EVERYDAY MARION HARLAND L Everyday Etiquette . or CALIF. LIBRARY. u Everyday Etiquette A PRACTICAL MANUAL OF SOCIAL USAGES By MARION HARLAND and VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER " Manners must adorn knowledge and smooth its way through the world." Chesterfield's Letters. INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS Copyright 1905 The Bobbs-Merrill Company October PRESS OF BRAUNWORTH & CO. BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS BROOKLYN, N. Y. Everyday Etiquette 21331B4 DEDICATION As mother and daughter, as author and amanuensis, we, who have collaborated in the preparation of this book, have had equal opportunities of knowing how much it is needed. Thousands of letters have been received and answered by us yearly, asking for just such information as we have written down here. One fact enlisted our sympathizing interest at an early stage of the correspondence. Those who were most anxious to learn the by-laws of polite society, and to order their manners in accordance with what we long ago elected to call the "Gospel of Conventionality," were not the illiterate and vulgar. Men and women women, in particular to whom changed circumstances or removal from secluded homes to fashionable neighborhoods involved the necessity of altered habits of social intercourse ; girls, whose parents are content to live and move in the deep ruts in which they and their forebears were born ; people of humble lineage and rude bringing up, who yet have longings and tastes for gentlehood and for the harmony and beauty that go with really good breeding these make up the body of our clientele. Every page of our manual was written with a thought of them in our minds. We have tried to make the lessons they would learn simple, and in all to show the aptness of the phrase quoted above as descriptive of the code made up of decorous and gracious ordinances. We could ask no greater measure of success for the volume we here and now dedicate to these, our correspond- ents and their congeners, than that a copy of it may find welcome and use in every home from which have come to us requests for light and help upon EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE. V New York, August, 1905 / CONTENTS CHAPTER PAOE I SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS . 1 II CARDS AND CALLS 13 III LETTER- WRITING 24 IV "FUNCTIONS" 36 V THE HOME WEDDING .... 54 VI THE CHURCH WEDDING .... 66 VII THE DEBUTANTE 78 VIII THE CHAPERON 85 IX MAKING AND RECEIVING GIFTS . , 92 X BACHELOR HOSPITALITY . , . 103 XI THE VISITOR 114 XII THE VISITED 133 XIII HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY .... 145 XIV THE HOUSE OF MOURNING . . . 152 XV AT TABLE ...... 164 XVI ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME . , . 176 XVII IN PUBLIC 188 XVIII ETIQUETTE OF HOTEL AND BOARDING- HOUSE LIFE 200 XIX ETIQUETTE IN SPORT .... 214 XX MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL DUTIES . , 229 CHAPTKE PAGE XXI A DELICATE POINT OF ETIQUETTE FOR OUR GIRL . . t , . . .245 XXII OUR OWN AND OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN 256 XXIII OUR NEIGHBORS . . . : . .268 XXIV ETIQUETTE OF CHURCH AND PARISH . 277 XXV COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD 288 XXVI MISTRESS AND MAID .... 300 XXVII A FINANCIAL STUDY FOR OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE .... 311 XXVIII MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES . . . 322 XXIX A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE BIG THINGS . . . . . .327 XXX SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION . 344 Everyday Etiquette EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS The sending and receiving of invita- tions underlies social obligations. It therefore behooves both senders and rec- cipients to learn the proper form in which these evidences of hospitality should be despatched and received. It is safe to assert that in the majority of cases an invitation demands an an- swer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invita- tion, rather than on that of ignoring it altogether. Those that we will consider first are such as demand no acceptance, but which call for regrets if one can not accept. 1 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Such are cards to "At Home" days, to teas, and to large receptions. Unless any one of these bears on its face the letters "R. s. v. p." (Repondez, s'il vous plait Answer if you please) no acceptance is required. If one can not attend the func- tion, one should send one's card so that one's would-be-hostess will receive it on the day of the affair. The cards for an "At Home" are is- sued about ten days before the function. They bear the hostess' name alone, unless her husband is to receive with her, in which case the card may bear the two names, as "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith." The aver- age American man does not, however, figure at his wife's "At Homes" when these are held in the afternoon. The ex- igencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often for him to be de- pended on as a certainty for such an oc- casion. INVITATIONS The card bears in the lower right-hand corner the address of the entertainer; in the lower left-hand corner the date and the hours of the affair, as "Wednesday October the nineteenth," and under this "From four until seven o'clock." If the tea be given in honor of a friend, or to introduce a stranger, the card of this person is inclosed with that of the hostess, if the affair be rather informal. If, however, it be a formal reception it is well to have engraved upon the card of the hostess, directly under her own name, "To meet Miss Blank." The recipient, in sending her cards of regret, also incloses a card for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet. The cards for an evening reception may be issued in the same style. If not, they are in the form of a regular invitation, and in the third person, as: 3 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Brown's company On Wednesday evening, October nine- teenth, From eight to eleven o'clock. 2 West Clark Street.'* If this formal invitation bears "R. s. v. p." in one corner, it should be accepted in the same person in which it is written, thus: "Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation for Wednesday evening, October nine- teenth." It is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will be guilty of the outrageous solecism of signing his or her name to an invitation written in the third person. But such things have been done! Invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to teas, with 4 INVITATIONS "Dancing" written or engraved in tHe corner of the card. As with teas, so with evening receptions, a declinature must be sent in the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function. The custom that some persons follow of writing "Regrets'* on such a card is not good form. An invitation to a card-party, no mat- ter how informal, always demands an an- swer, as the entertainer wishes to know how many tables to provide, and the num- ber of players she can count on. Cards to church weddings demand no answer unless the wedding be a small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the relatives, in which case the acceptance or regret must be written at once, and thanks expressed for the honor. A "crush" church wedding is the one function that demands no reply of any kind. If one can go, well and good. If one does not go one will not be missed a EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE from the crowd that will throng the edi- fice. An invitation to a home-wedding or breakfast demands an answer and thanks for the honor. While on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs, it may be well to touch on the point concerning which many correspondents write letters of ag- onized inquiry, the addressing of en- velops to the different members of the family. The question, "Can one invita- tion be sent to an entire family, consist- ing of parents, sons and daughters?" is asked again and again. To each of these an emphatic "No!" should be the answer. If any one is to be honored by an invita- tion to a function, he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way. One card should be sent to "Mr. and Mrs. Blank;" another to the "Misses Blank," still another to each son of the family. Each invitation is inclosed in a separate 6 INVITATIONS envelop, but, if desired, all these envelops may be inclosed in a larger outer one ad- dressed to the head of the house. The most important of invitations, that is, one demanding an immediate an- swer, is that to a dinner or luncheon, be this formal or informal. For very stately and most formal dinners, engraved invi- tations in the third person are sent. But it is quite as good form, and in appear- ance much more hospitable and compli- mentary, for the hostess herself to write personal notes of invitation to each guest. These may be in the simplest language, as: "My dear Miss Dorr: Will you give Mr. Brown and myself the pleasure of having you at dinner with us on Tursday evening, December the sixth? We sincerely hope that you will be among those whom we expect to see at our table that night. Dinner will be at seven o'clock. Cordially yours, Luella Brown." 7 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE To a married woman the invitation should always include herself and her hus- band, but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the fam- ily. This note may read: "My dear Mrs. Aikman: Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us by being among our guests at dinner on Thursday evening, December the sixth, at seven o'clock? Sincerely hoping to see you at that time, I remain, Cordially yours, Luella Brown." A note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way. If the dinner be given to any particular guest or guests, this fact should be mentioned in the in- vitation. As, for instance, "Will you dine with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows," and so forth. As soon as practicable after the receipt of such an invitation, the recipient should 8 INVITATIONS write a cordial note of acceptance, express- ing thanks and the pleasure she (or her husband and she) will take in being pres- ent at the time mentioned. If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form of a recognition of the honor conveyed in the invitation, and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the following way: "My dear Mrs. Brown: Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a previous engagement makes it im- possible for us to accept your delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank you for counting us among those who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we could be with you. Cordially and regretfully yours, Jane Aikman." No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once accepted, noth- ing must be allowed to interfere with one's 9 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE attendance unless she is so ill that her phy- sician absolutely forbids her leaving the house. Some wit said that a man's only excuse for non-attendance at such a function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice as an explanation. Cer- tain it is that nothing short of one's own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one's attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immedi- ately that the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present. All the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is as important a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that 10 INVITATIONS one should attend it must be promptly despatched. The matter of invitations to pay visits will be treated under the headings of "The Visitor" and "The Visited." Before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a compli- ment, let him do so in a manner that shows he appreciates the honor intended. To de- cline as if the person extending the in- vitation were a bit presumptuous in giv- ing it, or to accept in a condescending manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under the recently-acquired polish. A thoroughbred accepts and declines all invitations as though he were honored by the attention. In so doing he shows him- H EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE self worthy to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended to him. Would that more of the strag- glers up Society's ladders would appre- ciate this truth 1 12 II CARDS AND CALLS The styles of calling-cards change from year to year, even from season to season, so that it is impossible to make hard-and- fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard, or the script with which they are engraved. Any up-to-date stationer can give one the desired informa- tion on these points. In choosing a card-plate it is well to se- lect a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outre several seasons hence, unless one's purse will allow one to revise one's plate with each change of fashion. It should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity. Even a man's business card should be en- graved, not printed, is EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE It is no longer considered the proper thing for one card to bear the husband's and wife's names together, as was a few years ago the mode, thus, "Mr. and Mrs. Charles Sprague." Still, some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending gifts from husband and wife. As a rule, however, the husband's card is inclosed in an envelop with that of his wife in sending gifts, regrets, and the like. The card of a matron bears her hus- band's full name unless she be a divorcee, thus, "Mrs. George Williams Brown." Even widows retain this style of address. In the lower right-hand corner is the ad- dress, and in the lower left-hand corner one's "at home" days are named, as "Tues- days until Lent," or "Wednesdays in February and March," or "Thursdays un- til May." A young woman's cards bear her name, 14 CARDS AND CALLS "Miss Blank," if she be the oldest or only daughter in the family. The address on her cards is in the lower left-hand corner. If she have an older sister the card reads "Miss Mary Hilton Blank." A man's card is much smaller than that of a woman and often has no address on it, unless it be a business card, which must never be used for social purposes. The "Mr." is put before his signature as, "Mr. James John Smith." By the time a boy is eighteen years of age he is considered old enough to have his cards marked with the prefix "Mr." Perhaps there is no social obligation that is more neglected and ignored than that of calling at proper times and regu- lar intervals. In the rush and hurry of American life, it is well-nigh impossible for the busy woman to perform her duty in this line unless she have a certain degree of system about it. To this end she should 15 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE keep a regular calling-list or book, and pay strict heed to the debit and credit columns. It will require much manage- ment and thought to arrange her visits so that they will always fall on the " At Home" days of her acquaintances. When a woman has an "At Home" day it is an unwarrantable liberty for any one to call at any other time unless it be on business, or by special invitation, or permission. As many women have the same day at home one must limit the length of a call to fif- teen or twenty minutes upon a casual ac- quaintance, never making it longer than half-an-hour even at the house of a friend. Some persons seem to feel that there is a certain amount of pomp and circum- stance about calling on an "At Home" day and the novice in society asks timidly what she is to do at such a time. She is to do simply what she would do on any other day when she is sure of finding her hostess 16 CARDS AND CALLS in and disengaged. The caller hands her card to the servant opening the door ; then enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who will probably introduce her to any other guests who happen to be present, unless there be a large number of these, in which case she will probably be introduced to a few in her immediate vicinity. The caller will chat for a few minutes, take a cup of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, or decline all refreshment if she prefer. At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, she will rise, say "Good Afternoon" to her hostess, murmur a "Good Afternoon" to the company in general and take her de- parture. If her card has not been taken by the servant who opened the door for her, our caller may lay it on the hall table as she goes out. When a woman is at home one day a week for several months, she is expected 17 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE to make very little preparation in the way of refreshment for her chance guests. The tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one side of the room, and upon it are cups and saucers, tea-pot, canister, and hot water kettle. A plate of thin bread-and-butter, or sandwiches, or biscuits, and another of sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon complete the outfit. The kettle is kept boiling that fresh tea may be made when required, and a servant enters when needed to take out the used cups. If there are many callers, the services of this maid may be required to assist in passing cups, and sugar and cream. Otherwise the host- ess may attend to such matters herself, chatting pleasantly as she does so. It is not incumbent on a caller to take any- thing to eat or drink unless she wishes to do this. When one attends half-a-dozen such "At Homes" in an afternoon one 18 CARDS AND CALLS would have to carry a bag like that worn by Jack the Giant-Killer of fairy-lore, if one were to accept refreshments at each house. The hostess should, therefore, never insist that a guest eat and drink if she has declined to do so. In calling on a married woman a ma- tron leaves one of her own cards and two of her husband's. Her card is for the hostess, one of her husband's is for the hostess and the other for the man of the house. If there be several ladies in the family, as for instance, a mother and two daughters, the caller leaves one of her own and one of her husband's cards for each woman, and an extra card from her husband for each man of the household. This is the general rule, but it must have some exceptions. For instance, in a house- hold where there are five or six women it is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves 19 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE her card for "the ladies," and leaves it with her husband's, also for "the ladies." One of his cards is also left for the man of the family. Or if there be several men it may be left simply for "the gentle- men." If one knows that there is a guest stay- ing at a house at which one calls, one must send in one's card for this guest. Or, if one have a friend staying in the same town with one, and one calls on her, it is a breach of good breeding not to inquire for the friend's hostess and leave a card for her whether she appear or not. Custom clings to the black-edged card for those in mourning. It has its uses and surely its abuses. For those in deep mourning it is a convenience to send in the form of regrets, as the black edge gives sufficient reason in itself for the non- acceptance of invitations. It may also be sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it 20 CARDS AND CALLS as a calling-card the border should be very narrow. If one is in such deep mourning that one's card must appear with a half- inch of black around it, one is certainly in too deep mourning to pay calls. Un- til the black edge can be reduced to the less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width, the owner would do well to shun society. Nor should a black-edged card accom- pany an invitation to a social function. Several seasons ago a matron introduced to society in a large city a niece who had, eighteen months before, lost a brother. With the hostess' invitations to the re- ception was inclosed the card of the young guest, and this card had a black border an eighth-of-an-inch wide. The recipients of the invitations were to be pardoned if they wondered a bit at the incongruity of a person in mourning receiving at a large party. Under the circumstances she should have declined to have the social 21 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE function given in her honor, or should have laid aside her insignia of dolor. If, then, one has reached the point where one is ready to reenter society, let one give up the mourning-cards and again use plain white bits of pasteboard. In calling at a house after a bereave- ment, it is well, except when the afflicted one is an intimate friend, to leave the card with a message of sympathy at the door. One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with the card. A fortnight after the funeral one may call and ask to see the ladies of the family, adding that if they do not feel like seeing callers they will please not think of coming down. Under such cir- cumstances only a supersensitive person will be hurt by receiving the message that the ladies beg to be excused, and that they are grateful for the kind thought that prompted the call. The rule that we have just given ap- 22 CARDS AND CALLS plies to the household in which there is serious illness. A call may consist of an inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. This may be accompanied by some such message as "Please express my sincere hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall be grateful if he will let me know." One should always return a first call within three weeks after it has been made. After a dinner, luncheon, or card-party, a call must be made within a fortnight. An afternoon tea requires no "party call." After a large reception one may call within the month. After a wedding re- ception one must call within a fortnight on the mother of the bride, and on the bride on her "At Home" day as soon as possible after her return from the wed- ding trip. 23 Ill LETTER-WRITING The writing of letters, of the good old- fashioned kind, is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. People used to write epistles. Now they write notes. Before the days of the stenographer, the type- writer, the telegraph and telephone, when people made their own clothes by hand, wove their own sheets, and had no time- saving machines, they found leisure to write epistles to their friends. Some of us are so fortunate as to have stowed away in an old trunk some of these productions. The ink is pale and the paper yellowed, but the matter is still interesting. All the news of the family, the neighborhood gos- sip, the latest sayings and doings of the children and of callers, an account of the 24 LETTER-WRITING books read, of the minister's last sermon, and of the arrival of the newest of many olive branches, filled pages. What must these same pages have meant to the exile from home! And how much there was in such letters to answer! Still, even in this day and generation there are a few people who have so far held to the good old traditions that they write genuine letters. And wonder of wonders! they answer questions asked them in letters written by their corre- spondents. Only those who have written questions to which they desired prompt answers, appreciate how maddening it is to receive a letter which tells you every- thing except the answers to your queries. And this ignoring of the epistle one is supposed to be answering is a feature of the up-to-date letter-writer. There is, even in friendly correspondence, a right and a wrong way of doing a thing. 25 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE The wrong, and well-nigh universal, way of treating a letter is as follows : It is read as rapidly as possible, pigeon- holed, and forgotten. Weeks hence, in clearing out the desk it is found, the hand- writing recognized, and it is laid aside to be answered later. When that "later" comes depends on the leisure of the owner. At last a so-called answer is has- tily written without a second reading of the letter to which one is replying. Such a reply begins with an apology for a long and unavoidable silence, an account of how cruelly busy one is nowadays, a pass- ing mention of the number of duties one has to perform, a wish that the two corre- spondents may meet in the near future, and a rushing final sentence of affection followed by the signature. Such is the up-to-date letter. If a correspondent is worth having, she is worth treating fairly. Let her letter be 26 LETTER-WRITING read carefully, and laid aside until such time as one can have a half-hour of unin- terrupted writing. Then, let the letter one would answer be read, and the ques- tions it contains be answered in order, and first of all. This is common courtesy. After which one may write as much as time and inclination permit. If one has not the time to conduct one's correspond- ence in this way, let one have fewer corre- spondents. It is more fair to them and to oneself. Colored letter-paper is in bad form un- less the color be a pale gray or a light blue. From time to time, stationers have put upon the market paper outre in de- sign and coloring, and the persons who have used it were just what might be ex- pected. It reminds one of what Richard Grant White said of the words "gents" and "pants" he noticed "that the one generally wore the other." So, paper that 27 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE is such bad form as this is usually used by persons who are "bad form." Plain white paper of good quality is al- ways in fashion. For social correspond- ence this paper must be so cut that it is folded but once to be slipped into an envelop. At the top of the page in the middle may be the address, as 123 West Barrows Street, and the name of the city. Just now, this is the only marking that is used on the sheet, although some per- sons have the initials or monogram, or crest, in place of the address. It is no longer fashionable to have the crest or monogram and the address also. Except for business purposes the envelop is un- marked. Letter-heads, such as are used for busi- ness correspondence, should never be used for social purposes. Even the business man may keep in his office desk a quire or two of plain paper upon which to write 28 LETTER-WRITING society notes and replies to invitations. Nor is it permissible for him to use the type-writer in inditing these. All his busi- ness correspondence may be conducted with the aid of the invaluable machine, and he may, if he ask permission to do so, send letters to members of his own family on the type-writer. But all other corre- spondence should be done with pen and ink. Unfortunately, mourning stationery is still in vogue, but the recipient of a black- edged letter is often conscious of a dis- tinct shock when she first sees the emblem of dolor, and wonders if it contains the notice of a death. For this reason many considerate followers of conventionalities do not use the black-edged stationery, but content themselves with plain white paper marked with the address or monogram in black lettering. A social or friendly letter is frequently 29 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE dated at the end, at the left-hand lower corner of the signature. A business com- munication is dated at the upper right- hand corner. The expression "My dear Mr. Blank" is more formal than is "Dear Mr. Blank," and is, therefore, used in society notes. Business letters addressed to a man should begin with the name of the person to whom they are intended on one line, the salutation on the next, as: "Mr. John Smith" on the upper line, and below this, "Dear Sir." In addressing a firm con- sisting of more than one person, write the name of the firm, as "Smith, Jones and Company," then below, "Dear Sirs." Never use the salutation "Gentlemen" in such a case. It should be unnecessary to remind women not to preface their signatures with the title "Mrs." or "Miss." Such a mistake stamps one as a vulgarian or an so LETTER-WRITING ignoramus. The name in full may be signed, as : "Mary Bacon Smith." If the writer be a married woman, and the person to whom she writes does not know whether she be married or single, she should write her husband's name with the preface "Mrs." below her signature, or in the lower left-hand corner of the sheet, as ("Mrs. James Hayes Smith.") To sign one's name prefaced by the first letter is no longer considered good form. " J. Henry Wells" should be "John Henry Wells." If one would use one initial let- ter instead of the full name, let that letter be the middle initial, as "John H. Wells," or better still, "J. H. Wells." I wish I could impress on all follow- ers of good form that a postal card is a solecism except when used for business purposes. If it is an absolute necessity to send one to a friend or a member of one's family, as, when stopping for a moment 31 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE at a railroad station one wishes to send a line home telling of one's safety at the present stage of the journey, the sentences should be short and to the point, and un- prefaced by an affectionate salutation. All love-messages should be omitted, as should the intimate termination that is en- tirely proper in a sealed letter. "Affec- tionately" or "Lovingly" are out of place when written upon a postal card. Expres- sions such as "God bless you!" or "I love you," or "Love to the dear ones," are in shockingly bad taste except under cover of an envelop. A good rule to impress on those having a penchant for the prevalent post-card is as follows: "Use only for business, and then only when brevity and simplicity are the order of the day; never use for friendly correspondence unless the purchase of a sheet of paper, envelop and postage stamp is an impossibility." The friendly letter may be as long as 32 LETTER-WRITING time and inclination permit. The business communication should be written in as few and clear sentences as possible. Some one has said that to write a model business letter one should "begin in the middle of it." In other words, it should be unpre- faced by any unnecessary sentences, but should begin immediately on the busi- ness in hand, continue and finish with it. For such letters "Very truly yours" is the correct ending, unless, as in the case of a man or firm addressing a letter to a per- son totally unknown to the writer, when the expression "Respectfully yours" may be used. Many people consider letters of con- gratulation and condolence the most diffi- cult to write. This is because one feels that a certain kind of form is necessary and that conventional and stilted phrases are proper under the circumstances. This is a mistake, for, going on the almost un- 33 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE failing principle that what comes from the heart, goes to the heart, the best form to be used toward those in sorrow or joy is a genuine expression of feeling. If you are sorry for a friend, write to her that you are, and that you are thinking of her and longing to help her. If you are happy in her happiness, say so as cor- dially as words can express it. We can not close this chapter on letter- writing without a word to the person who writes a letter asking a question on his own business, and fails to inclose a stamp. This is equivalent to asking the recipient on whom one has no claim, to give one the time required for writing an answer to one's query, and a two-cent stamp as well. When the matter on which one writes is essentially one's own business, and not that of the person to whom one writes and from whom one demands a re- ply, one should always inclose a stamp or 84 LETTER-WRITING a self -addressed and stamped envelop, thus making the favor one asks of the least possible trouble to one's correspond- ent. In all business and society correspond- ence a letter should be answered as soon as possible after it is received. One may af- ford to take a certain amount of liberty with one's friends, and lay aside a letter for some days before answering it. But the acceptance or declinature of an invita- tion, and the answer to a business com- munication, should be sent with as little delay as possible. IV "FUNCTIONS" In former chapters some of the laws governing various social affairs have been touched on, but it may not be amiss to repeat some of them under the heading of "Functions." Directions for invitations to most of these "occasions," "affairs," or by whatsoever name they are known, have been given in the chapter on "Sending and Receiving Invitations." We will not touch on that subject in this. One of the most formal of entertain- ments, a dinner-party, demands that the guest be not more than ten minutes early, and not a half -minute behind the time mentioned in the invitation. The servant at the door directs the women to their dressing-room, the men to theirs. In the 36 "FUNCTIONS" dressing-room the women leave their wraps, but do not remove their gloves. Each woman, accompanied by her escort, descends to the drawing-room, greets the hosts, and the man who is to take her out to dinner is then introduced to her. All chat pleasantly until dinner is announced. Then the host offers his arm to the femi- nine guest of honor, who is to sit on his right, and the hostess takes the arm of the man who is to sit on her right-hand. The host goes first with his partner, followed by the other couples, the hostess and her escort bringing up the rear. When the women are seated, the men sit down, the host waiting until all the guests have taken their chairs before he takes his. There has been much discussion as to who shall be served first at a large dinner. The latest verdict is, according to some authorities, that each dish shall be first passed to the hostess, that she may show 87 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE by helping herself just how any viand that may be an innovation is to be served. For this reason the custom has its advan- tages, especially in the eyes of those un- accustomed to large dinners and new dishes. Still many people continue to prefer the old-fashioned method of pass- ing each article first to the guest at the right of the host. If there be two ser- vants, as at a large dinner, the second ser- vant begins his tour about the table by of- fering his dish to the guest at the right of the hostess. Where there are many courses a guest may, if he wish, sometimes decline one or more of these. He may also show by a gesture that he will not take wine, or, if his glasses are filled, he may simply lift them to his lips, taste the contents, then drink no more. As a glass will be filled as soon as emptied, the guest may say in a low voice, "No more, please !" when he has 38 "FUNCTIONS had enough. None of these refusals should be so marked as to attract the at- tention of his entertainers. It should not be necessary to give par- ticular directions as to how one should con- duct oneself at a dinner. After the ladies have removed their gloves and the dinner- roll or slice of bread has been taken from the folded napkin and the napkin laid in the lap, the dinner conducts itself. The chapter headed "At Table" will answer any doubtful questions as to the manner of eating at home or abroad. After the dinner is ended, the hostess gives a slight signal, or makes the move to rise. The gentlemen stand while the ladies pass out of the room, then sit down again for their cigars, coffee and liquors. Cof- fee and cordials are served to the ladies in the drawing-room, where they are later joined by the gentlemen. When the time for departure ap- 39 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE preaches it is the place of the woman who goes first to rise, motion to her husband, and then as soon as she and he have said good night to the host and hostess, they bow to the other guests, and retire to the dressing-rooms. After this they go di- rectly from the house, not entering the drawing-room again. In 'saying good night it is perfectly proper, extremists to the contrary not- withstanding, to thank the entertainers for a pleasant evening. Such thanks need not be profuse, but may be simply "Good night, and many thanks for a delightful evening!" or "It is hard to leave, we have had such a pleasant time!" One need never be afraid to let one's hosts know that the time spent in their presence has passed delightfully. The rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon, to which function ladies only are usually invited, although 40 "FUNCTIONS" when served at twelve o'clock, and called "Breakfast," men are also bidden. At a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room, wearing their hats and gloves to the table. The gloves are drawn off as soon as all are seated. At an evening reception, the guests as- cend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant be there to take them. When one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a reception gown, it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs. But this must be de- cided by the arrangements made by the entertainers. Before one enters the draw- ing-room one deposits one's cards on the salver on the hall table. If there be a servant announcing guests the new ar- rival gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary, who repeats it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it. The guest enters the parlors at this mo- 41 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and after greeting her, speaks with each per- son receiving with her. He then passes on and mingles with the rest of the com- pany. An afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner, the only difference be- ing that, at an evening function refresh- ments are more elaborate than at an after- noon affair, and the guests frequently repair to the dining-room, if this be large. At some day receptions, this is also done, but at a tea refreshments are usually passed in the drawing-rooms. The "coming-out" party or reception, at which the debutante makes her entrance on the world of society, is conducted as is any other reception, but the debutante stands by her mother and receives with her. Each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking hands with the girl. Her dress should be exqui- 42 "FUNCTIONS" site, and she should carry flowers. These flowers are usually sent to her. When more are received than she can carry, they are placed about the room. If the com- ing-out party be in the evening, it is often followed by a dance for the young people. In sending out invitations for such an affair, the daughter's card is inclosed with that of the mother. One may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as one likes, and may take refreshments or not as one wishes. Just before departing the guest says good night to his hosts, then leaves. The hour at which one goes to a recep- tion may be at any time between the hours named on the cards issued. One should never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. If the cards read "from half-after eight to eleven o'clock," any time after nine 48 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE o'clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the first arrival of the company. A card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable promptness. If the invitations call for eight-thirty, one must try not to be more than fifteen or twenty minutes late, as the starting of the game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced. After the game is ended, refreshments are served, and as soon after that as one pleases one may take one's de- parture. The same rule of promptness applies to a musicale. After greeting the hostess, guests take the seats assigned to them, and chat with those persons near them until the musical performance begins. During the music not a word should be spoken. If one has no love for music, let consideration for others cause one to be silent. If this is impossible, it is less unkind to send a 44 "FUNCTIONS" regret than to attend and by so doing mar others' enjoyment of a musical feast. At a ball or large dance, one may arrive when one wishes. The ladies are shown to the dressing-room, then meet their escorts at the head of the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the host and hostess greet one, after which one mingles with the company. At a formal dance, programs or orders of dance are provided, each man and each woman receiving one as he or she leaves the dressing-room or enters the drawing- room. Upon this card a woman has in- scribed the names of the various men who ask for dances. As each man approaches her with the request that he be given a dance, she hands him her card and he writes his name on it, then writes her name on the corresponding blank on his own card. As he returns her program to her the man should say "Thank you!" The 45 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE woman may bow slightly and smile or re- peat the same words. No woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance promised to one man to another, unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apolo- gize and explain his mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sin- cere the woman must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be ex- cusable. The hostess at a dance must deny her- self all dancing, unless her guests are provided with partners or, at least, she should not dance during the first part of the evening if other women are unsup- plied with partners. At a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee 46 "FUNCTIONS" of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are provided for comparative strangers. No hirelings will do this so skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the en- tertainers. A young girl may, after a dance, ask to be taken to her chaperon, or to some other friend. She should, soon after the dance given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his next partner before the beginning of the next dance. The etiquette governing weddings and wedding-receptions will be explained in the chapters on "Weddings." In our foremothers' day the publicity of the declared engagement was a thing unknown. Now, the behavior of the af- fianced pair and what is due to them from society deserve a page of their own. Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are 47 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE the newly-married, but the engaged couple presses them hard in this line. To behave well under the trying conditions attendant upon a recently-announced en- gagement demands tact and unselfishness. It should not be necessary to remind any well-bred girl or man that public exhibi- tions of affection are vulgar, or that self- absorption, or absorption in each other, is in wretched taste. The girl should act to- ward her betrothed in company as if he were her brother or any intimate man- friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seem- ingly confidential conversation. The man, while attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves, must still mingle with others and talk with them, forcing him- self, if necessary, to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one of his choice. The fact that romantic young people and critical older ones are watching the behavior of the newly-en- 48 "FUNCTIONS" gaged pair and commenting mentally thereon, is naturally a source of embar- rassment to those most nearly concerned in the matter. But let each remember that people are becoming engaged each hour, that no strange outward transformation has come over them, and that all evidences of the marvelous change which each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when they are in private. If they love each other, their happiness is too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for public view. It is customary, when an engagement is announced, for the friends of the happy girl to send her flowers, or some dainty be- trothal gift. She must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks and apprecia- tion. It is not good form for a girl to an- nounce her own engagement, except to her own family and dear friends. A friend 49 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE of the family may do this, either at a luncheon or party given for this purpose, or by mentioning it to the persons who will be interested in the pleasant news. When a girl is congratulated, she should smile frankly and say "Thank you!" She should drill herself not to appear uncom- fortably embarrassed. The same rule ap- plies to the happy man. The conventional diamond solitaire ring is not worn until the engagement is an- nounced. The happily married as a rule consider the Great Event of their lives of sufficient interest to the world-at-large to be com- memorated by yearly festivities. Cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair, the hours of the reception to be given and the two dates, thus: June 15, 1880 June 15, 1905. 50 "FUNCTIONS" If the anniversary be the Silver Wed- ding the script may be in silver; if a Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wed- ding invitations, engraved, or written on paper in close imitation of birch bark, are pretty. At one such affair all decorations were of shavings, and the refreshments were served on wooden plates. At a tin wedding, tin-ware was used extensively, even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers. The reception is usually held in the evening, and husband and wife receive to- gether, and, if refreshments are served at tables, they sit side by side. It is proper to send an anniversary present suitable to the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of the sender, and the word "Congratulations." It is customary to send such a gift only a day or two before the celebration of the anni- versary. 51 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE An anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other time, and rules for conducting such an one apply to this affair. In close sequence to weddings and wed- ding anniversaries we give a few general directions for the conduct of christening- parties. As the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening, it is well, when possible, to have the christening ceremony in the morning or afternoon. As it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get off in the day-time on week days, Sunday afternoon is often chosen for such an affair. Whether the celebration be in the daytime, or at night, the modus operandi is about the same. Every prayer-book contains a descrip- tion of the duties of godfathers and god- mothers, if one belongs to a church having such. If not, the father holds the child, 52 "FUNCTIONS" and the father and mother take upon them the vows of the church to which they be- long. The baby, clothed in flowing robes, is a passive participant in the ceremony. After the religious service the little one is passed about among the guests, and is then taken by the nurse to the upper regions, while those assembled in his honor regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion. The godfather and godmother make a gift to the child usually some piece of silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a table in the drawing-room with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send. It is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and happiness. Handsome calling gowns are en regie at a christening, unless it be an unusually elaborate evening affair. 53 THE HOME WEDDING To a home wedding, invitations may be issued two weeks in advance. Their style depends upon how formal the function is to be. If a quiet family affair, the notes of invitation may be written in the first person by the bride's mother, as : "My Dear Mary: Helen and Mr. Jones are to be married on Wednesday, October the thirteenth, at four o'clock. The marriage will be very quiet, with none but the family and most intimate friends present. We hope that you will be of that number. Helen sends her love and begs that you will come to see her married. Faithfully yours, Joanna Smith." This kind of note is, of course, only permissible for the most informal affairs. 14 THE HOME WEDDING For the usual home marriage, cards, which read as follows, may be issued : "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Blank's company at the marriage of their daughter on the afternoon of Wednesday, the thirteenth of October, at four o'clock, at One hundred and forty-four Madison Square, Boston." Or the invitations may read : "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request the pleasure of your company at the mar- riage of their daughter, Helen Adams, to Mr. Charles Sprague, on Tuesday after- noon, October the thirteenth, at four o'clock." "R. s. v. p." may be added if desired. (Rules regulating the answers to wed- ding invitations will be found in the chap- ter on "Invitations," those with regard to wedding gifts, in the chapter "Making and Receiving Gifts.") At a home wedding, the bride often has 55 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE but one girl attendant, and that one is the maid of honor. The bride tells her what kind of dress she wishes her to wear, and the groom provides her bouquet for her. He also sends the bride her bouquet. Right here it may be well to state that, for a wedding, the expenses of the groom are the flowers for the bride and her maid of honor or bridesmaids, the carriage in which he takes his bride to the train, the carriages for best man and ushers, and the clergyman's fee. Besides this, he usually provides his ushers and best man with a scarf-pin. In some cases he gives these attendants also their gloves and ties; sometimes he does not. The bride's family pays all other expenses, including the decorating of the house, the invitations and announcement cards and the caterer. If guests from a distance are to be met at the train by carriages, the bride's father pays for these. 56 THE HOME WEDDING We will suppose that at the house wed- ding with which we have to do the only at- tendants are the best man, two ushers and the maid of honor, and that the ceremony is at high noon, or twelve o'clock. The matter of lights at this function is largely a question of taste. If the day be brilliantly clear, it seems a pity to shut the glorious sunshine from the house. There- fore many brides decline to have the cur- tains drawn at the noon hour, thus shut- ting out the sun's rays. Many persons prefer the light from shaded lamps and candles, as being more becoming than the glare of day. The wedding-breakfast is provided by a caterer always when such a thing is pos- sible. It may consist of iced or jellied bouillon, lobster cutlets, chicken pates, a salad, with cakes, ices and coffee. This menu can be added to or elaborated, as in- clination may dictate. Sweetbread pates 57 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE may take the place of the chicken pates. A frozen punch may take the place of the ordinary ices, and, if one wish, a game course be introduced. A heavy breakfast is, however, a tedious and unnecessary af- fair. The bride's dress, if she be a young girl, must be white, with a veil. A train is ad- visable, as it adds elegance and dignity to the costume. The waist is made with a high neck and long sleeves, and white gloves are worn. The veil is turned back from the face and reaches to the bottom of the train where it is held in place by several pearl-headed pins. A single fold of tulle hangs over the face, being sep- arate from the main veil. This is thrown back after the ceremony. The groom wears a black frock coat, gray trousers, white waistcoat, white tie, light gray or pearl gloves, and patent leather shoes. His ushers dress in much 58 THE HOME WEDDING the same fashion, although white waist- coats are not essential in their case. The maid of honor wears a gown of white or very light color, with a slight train, and a picture hat, or not, as she wishes. When becoming, an entire cos- tume of pale pink, with a large hat trimmed with long plumes of the same shade, is very striking. The bouquet car- ried by the bridesmaid will harmonize with the color of her gown. Of course, the bride's bouquet will be white, and is usu- ally composed of her favorite blossoms. The old fashion of ripping the third finger of the bride's left-hand glove, so that this finger might be slipped off for the adjusting of the ring, is no longer in vogue. Instead of this the left-hand glove is removed entirely at that part of the ceremony when the ring is placed on the bride's finger by the groom. At a house wedding the guests assem- 59 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ble near the hour named, leave their wraps in the dressing-rooms, then wait in the drawing-room for the wedding. The whole parlor-floor is decorated with natu- ral flowers, garlands of these being twisted about the balustrades, and making a bower of the room in which the marriage is to take place. If one can afford to do so, it is best to leave the matter of floral decorations to an experienced florist, but if one can not afford this luxury, friends may decorate the rooms. A screen of green, dotted with flowers, may stand at the end of the room in which the marriage is to be solemnized, and an arch of flowers is thrown over this. Within this arch the clergyman, the groom, and the best man may await the arrival of the wedding guests, as the wedding march begins. The portieres shutting off the drawing- room from the hall are closed when the time arrives for the bridal party to de- 60 THE HOME WEDDING scend the stairs, and as they reach the hall the strains of the wedding march sound. One word as to the orchestra. This should be stationed at such a distance from the clergyman and bridal party that its strains will not drown the words of the service. Since Fashion decrees that music should be played during the service, it should be so soft and low that it accentu- ates, rather than muffles the voices of the participants in the ceremony. Loud strains detract from the impressiveness of the occasion, and cause a feeling of irri- tation to the persons who would not miss a single word of the solemn serv- ice. Through the door at the opposite end of the room from that in which the groom stands, enters the wedding procession. The two ushers come first, having a mo- ment or two before marked off the aisle, by stretching two lengths of white satin 61 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ribbon from end to end of the room. Fol- lowing the ushers walks the bridesmaid alone, and, after her, on the arm of her father, comes the bride. At the impro- vised altar, or at the cushions upon which the bridal couple are to kneel, the ushers separate, one going to each side. The maid of honor moves to the left of the bride, and the father lays the bride's hand in the hand of the groom, then stands a little in the rear until he gives her away, after which point in the ceremony he steps back among the guests, or at one side, apart from the bridal group. The best man stands on the groom's left. It is he who gives the ring to the clergyman, who hands it to the groom, who places it on the finger of the bride. When the ring is to be put on, the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor, and draws off her left-hand glove, giving that also to the maid of honor, who holds 62 THE HOME WEDDING both until after the benediction. After congratulating the newly-wedded pair, the clergyman gives them his place, and they stand, facing the company, to receive congratulations. The bride's mother should have been in the parlor to receive the guests as they arrived, and during the ceremony stands at the end of the room near the bridal party. She should be the first to congratulate the happy couple, the groom's parents following those of the bride. The maid of honor stands by the bride while she receives. After congratulations have been ex- tended, the wedding-breakfast is served at little tables placed about the various rooms. The bride and her party may, if desired, have a table to themselves, and upon this may be a wedding-cake, to be cut by the bride. This is not essential and has, of late years, been largely superseded by the squares of wedding-cake, packed in 68 dainty boxes, one of which is handed to each guest on leaving. When the time comes for the bride to change her dress she slips quietly from the room, accompanied by her maid of honor. The groom goes to an apartment assigned to him and his best man to put on his trav- eling suit. Later, the maid of honor may come down and tell the bride's mother in an "aside" that she may now go up and bid her daughter good-by in the privacy of her own room. Afterward the young husband and wife descend the stairs to- gether, say good-by in general to the friends awaiting them in the lower hall, and drive off, generally, one regrets to say, amid showers of rice. I would say just here that the playing of practical jokes on a bridal pair is a form of pleasantry that should be con- fined to classes whose intellects have not been cultivated above the appreciation 64 THE HOME WEDDING of such coarse fun. To tie a white satin bow on the trunk of the so-called happy pair so that all passengers may take note of them, is hardly kind. But this is refined jesting compared to some of the deeds done. A few weeks ago the papers gave an account of a groomsman who slipped handcuffs upon the wrists of bride and groom, then lost the key, and the em- barrassed couple had to wait for their train, chained together, until a file could be procured, by which time their train had left. Such forms of buffoonery may be diverting to the perpetrator; they cer- tainly are not amusing to the sufferers. 65 VI THE CHURCH WEDDING There is about a church wedding a for- mality that is dispensed with at a home ceremony. The cards of invitation may be engraved in the same form as those de- scribed in the last chapter, but the church at which the marriage is to take place is mentioned instead of the residence of the bride's parents. If in a large city where curiosity seekers are likely to crowd into the edifice, it is customary to inclose with the card of invitation a small card to be presented at the door. Only bearers of these bits of pasteboard are admitted. With the invitations may be cards for the reception or the wedding-breakfast to fol- low the ceremony. These cards demand acceptances or regrets. 66 THE CHURCH WEDDING The matter of wedding gifts will be dealt with in the chapter on gifts in gen- eral. The decorations for a church wedding are elaborate. As a rule, one color-scheme is chosen, and carried out through all the arrangements. For example, the coloring is pink and white, and if the wedding is in the autumn, chrysanthemums can be the chosen flowers, if in the summer, roses. The matter of decorations is usually put into the hands of a florist. White satin ribbon is stretched across the pews to be occupied by the members of the two families and to these pews the destined occupants are conducted by the ushers a short time before the bridal party enters the edifice. At a large and elaborate wedding six or eight ushers are often needed. Besides these there is an equal number of brides- maids, a maid of honor and a best man. 67 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE The best man, the groom, and the clergy- man enter the church by the vestry door, and await at the altar the coming of the bride and her attendants. The organ, which has been playing for some moments, announces the arrival of the wedding party by the opening strains of the wed- ding march. When the carriages containing the party arrive at the church door the ushers go down the canopy-covered walk and help the girls to alight, convey them into the vestibule, and close the outer doors of the church while the procession forms. Then the inside doors are thrown open and as the organ peals forth the wedding march, the procession passes up the aisle with the painfully slow walk that Fashion decrees as the proper gait for funerals and weddings. First, come the ushers, two by two, next, the bridesmaids in pairs, then the maid of honor, walking alone, and 68 THE CHURCH WEDDING the bride on the arm of her father, or other masculine relative if her father is not liv- ing. As the altar is reached the ushers divide, half the number going to the right, the other half to the left, then the brides- maids do the same, passing in front of the ushers and forming a portion of a circle nearer the altar. The maid of honor stands near the bride, on her left hand, and the best man stands near the groom's right. The groom, stepping forward to meet the bride, takes her hand and leads her to their place in front of the clergyman, the father remaining standing a little in the rear of the bride and to one side until that portion of the service is reached when the clergy- man asks, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" He then takes his daughter's hand, and, laying it in the hand of the groom, replies, "I do." After this he steps quietly down from the chancel and takes his place in the pew with 69 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE his wife, or the other members of the f am- y. The maid of honor, standing near the bride, holds her bouquet and takes her glove when the ring is put on, and con- tinues to hold them until after the bene- diction, which the bridal pair kneels to re- ceive. Then the organ again sounds the wedding march, and the guests remain standing as the party assembled at the altar moves down the aisle. First, comes the bride on her husband's arm, then the best man and the maid of honor together, then the ushers and the bridesmaids, each girl on the arm of an usher. After that the family of the bride and groom leaves. The bridal party is driven directly to the home of the bride's parents where the wed- ding-breakfast is served or, if a reception follows the wedding, where the bride awaits the arrival of her guests. The dress for the bride married in day- 70 THE CHURCH WEDDING light is the same as for an evening wed- ding, the trained white gown with lace or tulle veil being the conventional garb for a wedding at all times and places. The same is true of the costumes of the brides- maids and maid of honor. These are se- lected by the bride. At one pink-and- white wedding the bridesmaids wore pink dresses with pink picture hats, while the maid of honor wore a gown of palest green with hat to match, hers being the only touch of any color but pink in the as- sembly, and serving to accentuate the gen- eral rose-like scheme. The bridesmaids' bouquets are of flowers to harmonize with their costumes. The bride's bouquet is al- ways white, bride roses being favorites for this purpose. At a day wedding the groom wears a frock coat, light gray trousers, white waistcoat, white satin or silk tie, and pat- ent leather shoes. Of course, the only hat 71 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE permissible with a frock coat is a high silk one. The gloves are white, or pale gray. The ushers' dress is the same except that their ties need not be white. At an evening wedding full dress is, of course, necessary. Then the groom wears his dress suit, white waistcoat, white lawn tie and white gloves. The ushers are dressed in the same manner. It is customary for the bride to give her bridesmaids some little gift. This may be a stick-pin or brooch bearing the inter- twined initials of the bridal pair, and this pin is usually worn by the recipient at the wedding. The bride and groom with the brides- maids stand together at the end of the drawing-room to receive the guests. An usher meets each guest at his, or her ar- rival, and, offering his arm, escorts the new-comer to the bridal pair, asking for the name as he does so. This name he re- 72 THE CHURCH WEDDING peats distinctly on reaching the bride who extends her hand in greeting, and re- ceives congratulations. The groom is then congratulated, and the guest straightway makes room for the next comer. One is often asked what should be said to the newly-married pair, what form congratulations should take, and so on. Stilted phrases are at all times to be avoided, and the greeting should be as simple and straightforward as possible. It is good form to wish the bride happi- ness, while the groom is congratulated. Thus one says to the bride, "I hope you will be very happy, and I am sure you will." And to the groom one may say, "You do not need to be told how much you are to be congratulated, for you know it already. Still I do want to say that I congratulate you from my heart." A pretty custom followed by some brides is that of turning, when half-way 73 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE up the stairs, after the reception or break- fast is over, untying the ribbon fastening the bouquet together, and scattering the flowers thus released among the men wait- ing in the hall below. This disposes of the wedding bouquet which one seldom has the heart to throw away, and yet which one can not keep satisfactorily. If gifts are displayed at a reception, it should be in an upper room, and all cards should be removed. The bride may keep a list of her presents and of the donors, but to display cards gives an opportunity for invidious comparisons. The tables for the wedding-breakfast may be placed about the drawing-rooms, and the guests are seated informally at them. The only exception to this rule is the bride's table at which the bridal party sits. As artificial lights are usually used at elaborate functions, even at high noon, pretty candelabra are upon each table - 74 THE CHURCH WEDDING Or, if preferred, fairy lamps may take the place of the candelabra. The menu for the wedding-breakfast may consist of grape-fruit with Maras- chino cherries, or of oyster cocktails, or of clams on the half -shell, as a first course; next, hot clam bouillon (unless clams have already been served) or chicken bouillon; fish in some form, as fish cro- quettes with oyster-crab sauce ; sweetbread pates with green pease ; broiled chicken or French chops with potato croquettes or with Parisian potatoes; punch frappe; game with salad; ices, cakes, coffee. If wines are used, champagne is served with the breakfast. The breakfast over, the bride slips away quietly, to change her dress for the wed- ding journey, and departs as after a home wedding. The guests at a wedding-breakfast must call on the mother of the bride 76 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE within three weeks after the marriage. They will, of course, call on the bride on one of her "At Home" days, the dates of which are given with the wedding in- vitations or with the announcement cards. Announcement cards are issued imme- diately after the wedding, so must be addressed and stamped ready to be mailed several days before the ceremony. The text usually used is this : "Mr. and Mrs. William Edwin Burn- ham announce the marriage of their daughter, Eleanor Fair, to Mr. John Langdon Morse, on Tuesday, the eighth of December, one thousand nine hundred and five, at St. Michael's Church, Daven- port, Iowa." Another form that is sometimes used is the following : "Married, Wednesday, October elev- enth, 1903; Florence Archer and John Staunton, 1019 Penn Street, Philadel- phia." 76 THE CHURCH WEDDING This last form is seldom used except in cases where the bride is so unfortunate as to have no relatives in whose names she may announce her marriage. With the announcement cards may be inclosed another card bearing the dates of the bride's "At Home" days, and the hours at which she will receive. Announce- ment cards are usually issued after a small or private wedding to which only a limited number of guests have been invited. If the wedding has been large or was fol- lowed by a large reception to which all one's calling acquaintances may be bid- den, the announcement cards are unneces- sary and the "At Home" cards are issued with the invitations to the marriage, or are sent out after the bride returns from her trip. 77 VII THE DEBUTANTE A clever young girl, when asked by an acquaintance if she had "come out" yet, answered, "I didn't come out. I just leaked out." Doubtless this states the case, in a somewhat slangy manner, for a large number of young women who, gradually and without any set function to serve as introduction, take their places in society. Even for them, however, the year following the close of school duties marks a change in their relation to the social world, while the distinction is much em- phasized in the case of young girls to whom the affairs of balls, receptions, teas, and calls are a novelty. The date of a girl's formal entrance into the larger world marks her individual recognition in 78 THE DEBUTANTE that world. Before this time she has been a person without social responsibility, not accountable in the social sense. She has been considered in relation to her family, perhaps. Now she stands for herself. She is an object of some curiosity to the pub- lic, and the pleasures and duties to which she falls heir deserve some special men- tion. The age at which a girl makes her for- mal appearance on the scene of society varies in different places and with varying conditions. It is rarely under eighteen, seldom over twenty-two, the first being the age at which a girl not desirous of ex- tended education escapes, usually, from the school-room, the second being the aver- age age of graduation for the college girl. A girl younger than eighteen is com- monly too immature to be considered an interesting member of society, and a cer- tain degree of absurdity attaches to the 79 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE idea of introducing to the world a girl older than the age last mentioned. The special function by which a young woman's family signalizes her entrance to society varies little in different places. In many cities the custom is for the family of the debutante and also for the friends of the family to give some entertainment in her honor. A dinner, a luncheon, a tea, a theater party, any one of these festivi- ties is a proper manner of announcing one's interest in the new member of so- ciety and of emphasizing her arrival. Everything should be done to facilitate for her an extension of acquaintance among those whom it is desirable she should know. It is said that a number of years ago when telephones were a luxury instead of being, as now, a necessity, in southern cities, the advent of the debu- tante in a house meant always the addition of a name to the telephone directory. This 80 THE DEBUTANTE is a somewhat extravagant and florid com- ment on the idea advanced. But it will serve as an illustration. Particularly is it desirable that the debutante should become acquainted with the older members of the society in which she moves. She is now not only a part of the particular set to which her age assigns her; she is also a part of that larger society to which many ages belong. Her attitude on this ques- tion distinguishes her as well-bred or ill- bred. There is nothing more crass and crude than the young girl who has no eyes or ears for anybody out of the particular set of young people to which she belongs. It is the mark of the plebeian. The clothes of the debutante are a mat- ter of importance and her wardrobe should be carefully planned. It is natural that she should wish to look pretty and, as youth itself makes for beauty, given good health and the usual number of features 81 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE properly distributed, there is no reason why she should not so appear, if some dis- cretion be exercised in the selection of her clothes. It does not lie within the province of this book to stipulate in detail concern- ing the outfit necessary for this happy re- sult. The purpose of this paragraph is to insist on simplicity of style in the gowns chosen for a girl's first year in so- ciety. Elaborate styles and heavy ma- terials are opposed to the quality of a young girl's beauty. They kill the loveli- ness which it is their object to bring out. All her clothes should be made with r out perceptible elaboration. In ball- gowns she should be careful to select light, diaphanous materials, materials that she can wear at no other time of life to such advantage. Of party gowns she should have a number. Three or four frocks of thin, inexpensive materials are far better, if a choice be necessary, than 82 THE DEBUTANTE one heavy silk or satin. They are more be- coming and the number of them guaran- tees to their owner perfect freshness and daintiness of appearance. A soiled, be- draggled ball-gown is a sorry sight on anybody. It looks particularly ill on a young person whose age entitles her to be compared to lilies and roses. If the truth be told, despite the gaiety and the novelty of a girl's first year in so- ciety, it is not usually so pleasant a year as her second. She has much to learn, and it is the exceptional girl who does not feel a little awkward in her new position. She is prone to exaggerate the importance of small social blunders, and trifles, light as air, occupy a disproportionate place in her horizon. A certain timidity, the result of her unaccustomed position, is characteris- tic of her. This timidity shows itself either in a stiffness that modifies consider- ably her proper charm, or in an unnatural 88 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE bravado of manner, the reverse of pleas- ing. "Why are you so down on debu- tantes?" the writer of this chapter asked of an accomplished young society man. "Because they think it's clever to be rude," was the answer. The desire to be very apt, to be "on the spot" and "all there," as the slang phrase has it, this is often at the bottom of the apparent rudeness of the young girl. She does not care to show her newness. As a bride wishes it to seem that she has always been married, so a debu- tante likes to present the appearance of thorough familiarity with the ground up- on which she has just arrived. Nothing will assist the debutante to self-control and a surer footing so much as contact with people who are somewhat older than herself and who have gained a proper perspective. From them she will learn to be less self-conscious, and this means to be happier and mope interesting. 84 VIII THE CHAPERON In some parts of America the chaperon is, like Sairey Gamp's interesting friend, "Mrs. Harris," a mere figment of the imagination. Nowhere in America does she occupy the perfectly-defined position that she holds in Europe; nowhere in America are her duties so arduous as those imposed on her in older countries. The necessity of a chaperon for young people on all occasions offends the taste of the American. It is even opposed to his code of good manners. That a young woman should never be able in her father's house to receive, without a guardian, the young men of her acquaintance, is alien to the average American's ideal of good breed- ing and of independence in friendship. 85 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE In addition, his sense of humor sets down constant attendance on the very young as a bore and wearisome in the extreme. Because of these prejudices current concerning the idea of chaperonage, be- cause of this flippant mode of considering the subject, characteristically American, it is all the more necessary that the line should be sharply drawn as to the occa- sions where the consensus of usage and good sense declares a chaperon to be indis- pensable. The sense of the best American conventionalities, broadly speaking, is that a young woman may have greater liberty in her father's house than else- where. A young man who frequents a house for the purpose of calling on a young woman should be on terms with the members of her family, but it is not taken for granted that he must spend every min- ute of his visits in their presence, or that the young woman should feel that she is 86 THE CHAPERON acting unconventionally in receiving his calls by herself. It is unconventional, however, for her to take with him long evening drives without a chaperon, or to go on any sort of prolonged outdoor ex- cursion, be the party large or small, with- out a chaperon. Driving parties, fishing parties, country-club parties, sailing par- ties, picnics of every kind, here the chaperon is indispensable. ~No one can tell what accidents or delays may occur at fes- tivities of this kind that might render a prolonged absence embarrassing and awk- ward without the presence of the chap- eron. A personal and individual chaperon for every young girl is not necessary at a ball. It is expedient, however, that there should be some one present who, on demand, can act in that capacity for her, some mar- ried woman with whom she may sit out a dance, if she be not provided with a part- 87 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ner, or consult in any of the small difficul- ties possible to the occasion. If a young woman attend a ball in company with her mother or some other friend directly re- sponsible for her, she should return each time, after a dance, to a seat occupied by her chaperon and should direct her several partners to find her there. In case she dances with any one unknown to her chap- eron, it goes perhaps without saying that the man in the case should be presented properly to the friend in charge of her. The custom as to chaperonage at the theater differs according to locality. In the East a man who asks a young woman to go with him to the opera or the play, often invites her mother or some feminine married friend to accompany them. In the West this usage is not so common. Those who do not observe it are not re- garded as outside the pale of good form. The duties of a chaperon are somewhat 88 THE CHAPERON various, and more or less arduous, accord- ing to the quality of those chaperoned. These duties depend so largely upon cir- cumstances that they are not easily classi- fied. It is, of course, the part of the chap- eron to smooth over awkward situations, to arrange and make smooth the path of pleasure. It is the duty of the chaperoned to agree without demur to whatever the chaperon may suggest. On any debatable point her decision must be regarded as final. In the case of outdoor excursions she should fix the hour of departure to and from the place of festivity; she should group the guests for the journey there and back, and should designate their po- sitions at the table if a meal or refresh- ments be served. The duty of the chap- eroned, is, in return, to make the position of chaperon as agreeable as possible, to de- fer to her in every way. The favor, in the EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE case of chaperonage, is conferred by the chaperon, though the actions of certain crude young people are no recognition of this fact. A case in point occurs to the writer where a young man and his wife were asked to chaperon a party of young people to a popular rendezvous twelve or fourteen miles from the city in which they lived. The married people, after much urging, consented with some reluctance, thereby sacrificing a cherished plan of their own. Going and coming they were asked to take the back seat, which they occupied by themselves, a seat over the wheels of the large vehicle provided. Dur- ing the country supper they sat at one end of the table where their presence was con- versationally ignored. When the time came for returning home the married man was approached by one of the originators of the party, who said that the affair was a "Dutch treat," and would he (the mar- 90 THE CHAPERON ried man) please pay his share of the bill. This is, of course, an exaggerated case, but in a gross way it is illustrative of the lack of consideration often incident to the relation between chaperon and chaper- oned. That the obligation to the chaperon should be properly recognized is an im- portant part of social training. IX MAKING AND RECEIVING GIFTS Wedding gifts may be sent any time after the wedding cards are issued. They are sent to the bride, and may be as ex- pensive and elaborate, or as simple and inexpensive, as the means of the sender make proper. An invitation to a church wedding, and not to the reception, pre- cludes the necessity of making a wedding- present. Indeed the matter of wedding- presents admits of more freedom each year and many people make it a rule to send gifts only to intimate friends and relatives. Perhaps this state of affairs has been brought about by the fact that among a certain, or uncertain, class, invitations were sometimes issued with the special purpose of calling forth a number 92 GIFTS of presents, in fact, for revenue only. Few persons acknowledged this of them- selves, but sometimes a bride was met who was so indiscreet or so void of taste as to confess her hope that all the persons whom she invited to her nuptials would be repre- sented by remembrances in gold, silver, jewelry or napery. The pendulum has swung as far in the opposite direction, and fewer wedding gifts than of old are sent from politeness alone. Suitable gifts for a bride are silver, cut-glass, table-linen, pictures, books, handsome chairs or tables, rugs, bric-a- brac and jewelry. In fact, anything for the new home is proper. It is not cus- tomary to send wearing apparel, except when this is given by some member of the bride's family. A check made out to the bride is always a handsome gift. The parents of the wife-to-be frequently give the small silver. 93 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE How the silver should be marked is a disputed question. Good form demands that if the donor wishes to have his gift marked, it must be engraved with the bride's maiden initials. Some persons are so thoughtful that they send silver with the request that it be returned after the ceremony by the bride for marking as she sees fit. She then returns it to the firm from which it was bought, said firm hav- ing received an order from the donor to engrave it according to the owner's wishes. Still, if silver must be given marked, it is safe to have the initials of the bride put upon it. Even should she die, good taste and conventionality would forbid the use of her silver by the second wife, should there be one. While on this melancholy side of the subject it would be well to state that when a wife dies, leaving a child, and the husband remarries, her silver is packed away for the child's use in future 94 GIFTS years. This is demanded by custom and conventionality. This rule is especially to be regarded if the child be a girl, as she then has a right to the mother's silver, marked with that mother's name. A wedding gift is accompanied by the donor's card, usually inclosed in a tiny card-envelop. As soon as possible, the bride-to-be writes a personal letter of thanks. This must be cordial, and in the first person, somewhat in this form: "425 Cedar Terrace, Milton, Pa. My Dear Mrs. Hamilton : The beautiful picture sent by Mr. Hamilton and yourself has just arrived, and I hasten to thank you for your kind thought of me. The subject is one of which I am especially fond, and the pic- ture will do much toward making attrac- tive the walls of our little home. It will always serve to remind Mr. Allen and myself of you and Mr. Hamilton. Gratefully yours, Mary Brown. June nineteenth, nineteen hundred and five," 95. EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE If a gift arrives so late that it can not be acknowledged before the wedding, the wife must write as soon as possible after the ceremony, even during the first days of her honeymoon. To neglect to do this is an unpardonable rudeness. The wedding gifts may be displayed in a room by themselves on the wedding- day, but must not be accompanied by the cards of the donors. In spite of argu- ments pro and con, it is certainly in better taste to remove the cards before the exhi- bition. If there are so many presents that there is any danger of the bride's forget- ting from whom the different articles came, let some member of the family keep a list, or take an inventory, before the cards are taken off. Some persons attach to each gift a tiny slip of paper bearing a number. In a little book is a correspond- ing number after which is written the name of the sender. 96 GIFTS The rules that apply to wedding-pres- ents apply also to the gifts sent at wed- ding anniversaries, be they wooden, tin, crystal, silver or golden anniversaries. Engagement presents are frequently sent to the fiancee, but this is entirely a matter of taste or inclination, and is not demanded by fashion or conventionality. Contributions to linen showers may be included among the engagement gifts. The fashion of such "showers" is ephem- eral, a fact not to be regretted. A word or more is not out of place con- cerning the kind of gifts that a young man may make with propriety to a young woman with whom he is on agreeable terms. Flowers, books, candy, these are gifts that he may make without offense, and she may receive without undue or un- pleasant sense of obligation. If he be an old and intimate friend of her family, he may offer her small trinkets, or orna- 97 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE mental, semi-useful articles, such as a card-case, or a bonbonniere. Anything in- tended solely for use is proscribed. If a young man is engaged to a young woman the possible choice of gifts is, of course, much enlarged. Even then, however, very expensive gifts are not desirable. They lessen somewhat the charm of the relation between the two. When a baby is born, the friends of the happy mother send her some article for the new arrival. It may be a dainty dress or flannel skirt, a cloak, cap, or tiny bit of jewelry. These gifts the young mother is not supposed to acknowledge until she is strong enough to write letters without fear of weariness. As a rule some mem- ber of her family writes in her stead, ex- pressing the mother's thanks for the dainty gifts. When a baby is christened, it is cus- tomary for the sponsors to make the little 98 GIFTS one a present. This is usually a piece of silver, as a cup, or bowl, marked with the child's name ; or a silver spoon, knife and fork may be given. The godparents give, as a rule, something that will prove dur- able, or a gift that the child may keep all his life, rather than an article of wearing- apparel. A guest invited to a christening-party may bring a gift, if he wishes to do so. This may be anything that fancy dictates. A pretty present for such an occasion is a "Record" or "Baby's Biography," hand- somely bound and illustrated, containing blanks for the little one's weight at birth and each succeeding year, for the record of his first tooth, the first word uttered, the first step taken, and so on, as well as spaces for the insertion of a lock of the baby-hair, progressive photographs, and other trifles dear to the mother's heart. All .christening gifts may be verbally ac- 99 knowledged by the mother when the guest presents them. The custom of making Christmas pres- ents is so universal that it would seem superfluous to offer any suggestion with regard to them, had not the dear old cus- tom been so abused that the lovers of Christmas must utter their protest. It should be borne in mind that the only thing that makes a Christmas gift worth while is the thought that accompanies it. When it is given because policy, habit, or conventionality demands it, it is a dese- cration of the good old custom. If we must make any presents from a sense of duty, let it be on birthdays, on wedding- days, on other anniversaries, never on the anniversary of the Great Gift to the World. If the spirit of good-will to man does not prompt the giving, that giving is in vain. Nor should a present at this time be sent simply because one expects to 100 GIFTS receive a reminder in the shape of a pres- ent from a friend. A quid pro quo is not a true Christmas remembrance. Let us suppose then, that the making of holiday presents is a pleasure. To sim- plify matters we would suggest that those who have a large circle of friends to whom they rejoice to give presents retain over to another year the list made the year previous. Not only will this keep in mind the person whom they would remember, but it will prevent duplicating presents. One woman learned to her dismay that for two years she had sent the same picture, a favorite with her, to a dear friend, while another sent a friend a silver button- hook for three consecutive Christmases. All gifts, those of the holiday season included, should be promptly acknow- ledged, and never by a card marked "Thanks." If a present is worth any ac- knowledgment, it is worth courteous no- 101 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE tice. When one says "Thank you!" either verbally or by letter, it should be uttered with sincerity, and from the heart. To omit the expression of cordial gratitude is a breach of good breeding. 102 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY The day is past when the bachelor is supposed to have no home, no mode of en- tertaining his friends, no lares and pen- ates, and no "ain fireside." He is now an independent householder, keeping house if he choose to do so, with a corps of effi- cient" servants, presided over by a compe- tent housekeeper, or, in a simpler man- ner having a small apartment of his own, attended by a man-servant or maid, if he take his meals in this apartment. Oftener, however, he prefers to dispense with housekeeping cares and live in a tiny apartment of two or three rooms, going out to a restaurant for his meals. He is then the most independent of creatures. If he can afford to have a man to take 103 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE jcare of his rooms and his clothes, well and 'good. If not, he pays a woman to come in regularly to clean his apartment, and she takes charge of his bed-making and dust- ing or, if he be very deft, systematic and industrious, he does this kind of thing himself. In any of the cases just cited he is at liberty to entertain. He may have an aft- ernoon tea, or a reception, or an after- theater chafing-dish supper. Unless he has his own suite of dining-room, kitchen and butler's pantry, he can not serve a regular meal in his rooms. But there are many informal, Bohemian affairs to which he can invite his friends. For the after-theater supper, for instance, he may engage a man to assist him and to have everything in readiness when the host and his party arrive at the apartment. The host, himself, will prepare the chafing- dish dainty, and with this may be passed 104 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY articles supplied by a near-by caterer, such as sandwiches, ices and cakes. He may make his own coffee in a Vienna coffee-pot. The whole proceeding is de- lightful, informal, and Bohemian in the best sense of the word. A sine qua non to all bachelor entertain- ing is a chaperon. The married woman can not be dispensed with on such occa- sions. The host may be gray-headed and old enough to be a grandfather many times over, but, as an unmarried man, he must have a chaperon for his women- guests. If he object to this, he must recon- cile himself to entertaining only those of his own sex. The age of this essential appendage to the social party makes no difference, so long as the prefix "Mrs." is attached to her name. She may be a bride of only a few weeks' standing, but the fact that she is married is the essential. 105 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE The would-be host, then, first of all, en- gages his chaperon, asking her as a fa- vor to assist him in his hospitable efforts. She should accept graciously, but the man will show by his manner that he is honored by her undertaking this office for him. She must be promptly at his rooms at the hour mentioned, as it would be the height of impropriety for one of the young women to arrive there before the matron. If she prefer she may accompany a bevy of the girls invited. To her the host defers, from her he asks advice, and to her he pays special deference. If there is tea to be poured, as at an afternoon function, it is she who is asked to do it, and she may, with a pretty air of assuming responsibility, manage affairs somewhat as if in her own home, still remembering that she is a guest. In this matter tact and a know- ledge of the ways of the world play a large part. The chaperon is bound to re- 106 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY main until the last girl takes her depar- ture, after which it is quite en regie for the host to offer his escort, unless she ac- companies the last guest, or a carriage be awaiting her. The host thanks her cor- dially for her kind offices, and she in turn expresses herself as honored by the com- pliment he has paid her. Perhaps the simplest form of enter- tainment for the unmarried man to give in his own quarters is the afternoon tea in some of its various forms. For this function the man must not issue cards, but must write personal notes, or ask his guests verbally. It is well for him to in- vite several friends who will supply music, as this breaks up the monotony. If he have some friend who is especially gifted musically, and whom he would gladly bring before the eyes of the public, he may make the presence of this friend an ex- cellent reason for his afternoon reception. 107 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE After having secured the chaperon's ac- ceptance he may write some such note as the following: "My dear Miss Brown: I shall be delighted if you, with a few other choice spirits, will take tea with me in my apartment next Tuesday afternoon about four o'clock. I shall have with me at that time my friend, Mr. Frank Mer- rill, who sings, I think, passing well. I want my friends who appreciate music and to whom his voice will give pleasure to hear him in my rooms at the time men- tioned. Do come! Henry B arbour. August 10, 1905." There should, if possible, be a maid, or a man in livery to attend the door at this time, but, if this is not practicable, and the affair be very informal, the host may him- self admit his guests, and escort them to the door when they leave. The only refreshments necessary are thin bread-and-butter, and some dainty 108 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY sandwiches, small cakes and tea with sugar, cream, and thin slices of lemon. These things are arranged upon a prettily- set table in one corner of the room, and are presided over by the chaperon, who also, when the opportunity affords, moves about among the guests, chatting to each and all as if she were in her own drawing- room. If the man have several rooms, one may be opened as a dressing-room in which the women may lay their wraps. The men-guests may leave their coats and hats on the hall table or rack. When the guests depart it is pretty and deferential for the host to thank the women for making his apartment bright and attractive for the afternoon. It is always well for a man to show by his man- ner that his woman-guest has honored him by her presence. An evening reception may be conducted along the same lines, but at this time 109 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE coffee and chocolate take the place of tea. Or, if the host prefer, he may serve only cake and coffee, or punch, or ices in ad- dition to the cake and coffee. If a bachelor be also a householder to the extent of running a regular menage, he may give a dinner in his home just as a woman might. He first engages his chaperon, then invites his guests. The chaperon is the guest of honor, is taken out to dinner by the host and sits at his right. It is also her place to make the move for the women to leave the men to their cigars and coffee, and proceed to the drawing-room. Here, after a very few minutes, the women are joined by the men or, at all events, by the host, who may, if he like, give his men-guests permission to linger in the dining-room a little longer than he does. They will, however, not take long advantage of this permission, but, at the expiration of five or ten minutes, no BACHELOR HOSPITALITY will follow their host to the drawing- room. The man who can not entertain in his own rooms may return any hospitality shown to him by giving a supper or dinner at a restaurant or hotel. In this case he must still have a chaperon, if the party is to be made up of unmarried persons. For such an affair as this he engages his table and orders the dinner beforehand, seeing for himself that the flowers and decorations chosen are just what he wishes. It is his place to escort the chaperon to the restaurant and to seat her at his right. Everything is so perfectly conducted at well-regulated restaurants that the course of the dinner will progress without the host's concerning himself about it. This is certainly the luxury of entertaining. If, however, the host wishes to give an or- der, he should beckon to a waiter, and, in a low tone, make the necessary suggestion, in EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE or give the requisite order. It is, at such a juncture, the part of the chaperon to keep the conversational ball rolling, in short, to act as if she were hostess. The dinner over, the host escorts his guests as far as the door of the restaurant, going to the various carriages with the women, then calls up the chaperon's car- riage and, himself, accompanies her to her home. At a bachelor dinner the host may pro- vide corsage bouquets for the ladies and boutonnieres for the men. It is also a pretty compliment for him to send to the chaperon at his afternoon or evening re- ception, flowers for her to wear. But this is not essential, and is a compliment that may be dispensed with in the case of a man who must consider the small economies of life. Of course, no dinner-call is made on the bachelor entertainer. It is hardly 112 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY worth while to suggest that the women whom he has honored make a point of soon inviting him to their homes. In this day there is little need to remind women of the attentions they may with propriety pay to an eligible and unattached man. 113 XI THE VISITOR An invitation to visit a friend in her home must always be answered promptly. The invited person should think seriously before accepting such an invitation, and, unfortunately, one of the things she has to consider is her wardrobe. If the would-be hostess has a superb house, and the guest is to be one of many, all wealthy except herself, all handsomely-gowned except herself, and if she will feel like an English sparrow in a flock of birds of paradise, she would better acknowledge the invitation, with gratitude, and stay at home. If she does go, let her determine to make no apologies for her appearance, but to accomodate herself to the ways of the household she visits. 114, THE VISITOR One woman, visiting in a handsome home, was distressed to the point of weep- ing by the fact that, on her arrival, her hostess' maid came to the guest's room and unpacked her trunk for her, putting the contents in bureau-drawers and ward- robe. It would have been better form if the visitor had taken what seemed to her an innovation as a matter of course, and expressed neither chagrin nor distress at the kindly-meant attention. If, then, our invited person, after tak- ing all things into consideration, decide to accept the invitation sent to her, let her state just when she is coming, and go at that time. Of course she will make her plans agree with those of her future host- ess. The exact train should be named, and the schedule set must not be deviated from. It may be said right here that no one should make a visit uninvited. Few per- sons would do this, but some few have 115 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE been guilty of this breach of etiquette. One need not always wait for an invita- tion from an intimate friend, or member of one's family with whom one can never be de trop, but, even then, one should, by telegram or telephone, give notice of one's coming. If I could, I would make a rule that no one should pay an unexpected visit of several days' duration. If one must go uninvited, one should give the prospective hosts ample notice of the intended visit, begging, at the same time, that one may be notified if the suggested plan be incon- venient. When a letter of invitation is accepted, the acceptance must not only be prompt, but must clearly state how long one in- tends to stay. It is embarrassing to a hostess not to know whether her guest means to remain a few days or many. As will be seen in the chapter on "The Vis- ited," the hostess can do much to obviate 116 THE VISITOR this uncertainty by asking a friend for a visit of a specified length. But, in accept- ing, the guest must also say how long she will remain. An invitation should be received grate- fully. In few things does breeding show more than in the manner of acknowledg- ing an invitation to a friend's house. She who asks another to be a member of her household for even a short time is paying the person asked the greatest honor it is in her power to confer, and it should be appreciated by the recipient. He who does not appreciate the honor implied in such an invitation is unmannerly. When one is so devoid of the sense of what is proper as to accept this honor grudgingly, the would-be hostess has cast her pearls be- fore swine. An invitation once accepted, nothing but such a serious contingency as illness must prevent one's f ulfilling the engage- 117 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ment. As has been said, one must never arrive ahead of time. Once in the home of a friend the guest makes herself as much a member of the household as pos- sible. The hours of meals must be as- certained, and promptness in everything be the rule. To lie in bed after one is called, and to appear at the breakfast- table at one's own sweet will, is often an inconvenience to the hostess, and the cause of vexation and discontent on the part of the servants, for which discontent the host- ess, not the guest, pays the penalty. Unless, then, the latter is told expressly that the hour at which she descends to the first meal of the day is truly of no conse- quence in the household, she must come into the breakfast-room at the hour named by the mistress of the house. On the other hand, she should not come down a half-hour before breakfast and sit in the drawing-room or library, thus keep- 118 THE VISITOR ing the maid or hostess from dusting these rooms and setting them to rights. She will stay in her own room until breakfast is announced, then descend immediately. If amusements have been planned for the guest, she will do her best to enjoy them, or, at all events, to show gratitude for the kind intentions in her behalf. She must resolve to evince an interest in all that is done, and, if she can not join in the amusements, to give evidence of an ap- preciation of the efforts that have been made to entertain. The guest must re- member that the hosts are doing their best to please her, and that out of ordinary humanity, if not civility, gratitude should be shown and expressed for these en- deavors. If the hostess be a busy housewife, who has many duties about the house which she must perform herself, the visitor may occasionally try to "lend a hand" by dust- 119 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ing her own room or making her own bed. If, however, she is discovered at these tasks, and observes that the hostess looks worried, or objects to the guest thus ex- erting herself, it is the truest courtesy not to repeat the efforts to be of assistance. It disturbs some housewives to know that a visitor is performing any household tasks. It is a safe rule to say that a guest should go home at the time set unless the hostess urges her to do otherwise, or has some excellent reason for wishing her to change her plans. To remain beyond the time expected is very often a great mis- take, unless one knows that it will be a genuine convenience to the hosts to have one stay. The old saying that a guest should not make a host twice glad has sound common sense as its basis. If a vis- itor is persuaded to extend her visit, it must be only for a short time, and she 120 THE VISITOR must herself set the limit of this stay, at which time nothing must in any way be al- lowed to deter her from taking her de- parture. The visitor in a family must exercise tact in many ways. Above all she must avoid any participation in little discussions between persons in the family. If the fa- ther takes one side of an argument, the mother the other, the wise guest will keep silent, unless one or the other appeal to her for confirmation of his or her asser- tions, in which case she should smilingly say that she would rather not express an opinion, or laugh the matter off in such a way as to change the current of the con- versation. Another thing that a guest must avoid is reproving the children of the house in even the mildest, gentlest way. She must also resist the impulse to make an audible excuse for a child when he is reprimanded 121 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE in her presence. To do either of these things is a breach of etiquette. If she be so fortunate as to be invited to a house-party or a week-end party, she should accept or decline at once, that the hostess may know for how many people to provide rooms. For such an affair one should take handsome gowns, as a good deal of festivity and dress is customary among the jolly group thus brought to- gether. A dinner or evening gown is es- sential, and, if, as is customary, the house- party be given at a country-home, the vis- itor must have a short walking-skirt and walking-boots, as well as a carriage cos- tume. Once a member of a house-party, the rule is simple enough. Do as the others do, and enter with a will on all the enter- tainment provided by the host and hostess for the party. If you make a visit of any length you 122 THE VISITOR must not fail to leave a little money for each servant who has, by her services in any capacity, contributed to your com- fort. This will, of course, include the maid who has cared for the bedroom, and the waitress. By one of these servants send something to the cook, and a message of thanks for the good things w r hich she has made and you have enjoyed. The laun- dress need not be inevitably remembered, unless she has done a little washing for you; still, when one considers the extra bed and table linen to be washed, it is as well to leave a half dollar for her also. The amount of such fees must be deter- mined by the length of your purse; and must never be so large as to appear lavish and unnecessary. A dollar, if you can afford it and have made a visit of any length, will be sufficient for each maid. The coachman who drives you to the train must receive the same amount. 123 EVERYDAY-ETIQUETTE After the guest has returned to her own home, her duties toward her recent hosts are not at an end until she has written what is slangily known as "the bread-and- butter letter." This is simply a note, tell- ing of one's safe arrival at one's destina- tion, and thanking the late hostess for the pleasant visit one has had. A few lines are all that etiquette demands, but it requires these, and decrees that they be despatched at once. To neglect to write the letter de- manded by those twin sisters, Convention- ality and Courtesy, is a grave breach of the etiquette of the visitor. Hospitality as a duty has been written up from the beginning of human life. The obligations of those who, in quaint old English phrase, "guesten" with neigh- bors, or strangers, have had so little at- tention it is no wonder they are lightly considered, in comparison. We hear much of men who play the host 124 THE VISITOR royally, and of the perfect hostess. If hospitality be reckoned among the fine arts and moral virtues, to "guesten" aright is a saving social grace. Where ten ex- cellent hosts are found we are fortunate if we meet one guest who knows his busi- ness and does it. The consciousness of this neglected fact prompts us to write in connection with our cardinal virtue of giving, of what we must perforce coin a word to define as "Guestly Etiquette." We have said else- where that the first, and oftentimes a hu- miliating step, in the acquisition of all knowledge, from making a pudding to governing an empire, is to learn how not to do it. Two-thirds of the people who "guesten" with us never get beyond the initiatory step. The writer of this page could give from memory a list that would cover pages of foolscap, of people who called themselves 125 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE well-bred and who were in the main, well- meaning, who have deported themselves in hospitable homes as if they were regis- tered boarders in a hotel. Settle within your own mind, in enter- ing your friend's doors, that what you re- ceive is not to be paid for in dollars and cents. The thought will deprive you at once of the right to complain or to criti- cize. This should be a self-evident law. It is so far, however, from being self-evi- dent that it is violated every day and in scores of homes where refinement is sup- posed to regulate social usages. Taking at random illustrations that crowd in on memories of my own ex- periences, let me draw into line the dis- tinguished clergyman who always brought his own bread to the table, informing me that my hot muffins were "rank poison to any rightly-appointed stomach"; another man as distinguished in another profession 126 THE VISITOR who summoned a chambermaid at eleven o'clock at night to drag his bed across the room that he might lie due east and west; an author who never went to bed until two o'clock in the morning, and complained sourly at breakfast time that "your ser- vants, madam, banked up the furnace fire so early that the house got cold by mid- night"; the popular musician who in- formed me "your piano is horribly out of tune"; the man and wife who "couldn't sleep a wink because there was a mosquito in the room"; the eminent jurist who sat out an evening in the library of my coun- try-house with his hat on because "the room was draf ty" ; ah ! my fellow house- mothers can match every instance of the lack of the guestly conscience by stories from their own repositories. The guest who is told to consider him- self as one of the family knows the in- vitation to be a figure of polite speech as 17 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE well as he who says it knows it to be an empty form. One man I wot of sings and whistles in the halls and upon the stairs of his host's house to show how joy- fully he is at home. Another stretches himself at length upon the library sofa, and smokes the cigar of peace (to him- self) at all hours, an ash-cup upon the floor within easy distance. A third helps himself to his host's cigars whenever he likes without saying "by your leave." Each may fancy that he is following out the hospitable intentions of his entertain- ers when, in fact, he is selfishly oblivious of guestly duty and propriety. One who has given the subject more than a passing thought might suppose it unnecessary to lay down to well-bred read- ers "Laws for Table Manners While Vis- iting." Yet, when I saw a man of excel- lent lineage, and a university graduate, thump his empty tumbler on the table to 128 THE VISITOR attract the attention of the waitress, and heard him a few minutes later, call out to her "Butter please!" I wished that the study of such a manual had been included as a regular course in the college curric- ulum. A true anecdote recurs to me here that may soothe national pride with the know- ledge that the solecisms I have described and others that have not added to the traveled American's reputation for breed- ing, are not confined to our side of the ocean. Lord and Lady B , names familiar some years back to the students of the "high-life" columns of our papers, were at a dinner-party in New York with an acquaintance of mine who painted the scene for me. Lady B , tasting her soup as soon as it was set down in front of her, calls to her husband at the other iend of the table: "B , my dear! Don't EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE eat this soup ! It is quite filthy! There are tomatoes in it!" We Americans are less brutally frank than our English cousins. Yet I thought of Lady B last week when my vis-a- vis, a slim, pretty, accomplished matron of thirty, or thereabouts at an admir- ably-appointed family dinner, accepted a plate of soup, tasted it, laid down her spoon and did not touch it again, repeat- ing the action with an entree, and with the dessert of peaches and cream. She did not grimace her distaste of any one of the three articles of food, it is true, being, thus far, better-mannered than our titled vulgarian. In effect she implied the same thing by tasting of each portion and de- clining to eat more than the tentative mouthful. To sum up our table of rules : Bethink yourself, from your entrance to your exit from your host's house, of the sure way 130 THE VISITOR of adding to the comfort and pleasure of those who have honored you by inviting you to sojourn under their roof -tree. If possessed of the true spirit of hospitality, they will find that pleasure in promoting yours. Learn from them and be not one whit behind them in the good work. If they propose any especial form of amuse- ment, fall in with their plans readily and cordially. You may not enjoy a stately drive through dusty roads behind fat family horses, or a tramp over briery fields with the hostess who is addicted to berry- ing and botanizing but go as if that were the exact bent of taste and desire. A din- ner-party, made up of men who talk busi- ness and nothing else, and their over- dressed wives, who revel in the discussion of what Mrs. Sherwood calls "The Three Dreadful D's" Disease, Dress and Do- mestics may typify to you the acme of boredom. Comport yourself as if you 131 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE were in your native element and happy there. The self -discipline will be a means of grace in more ways than one. On Sunday accompany your hosts to their place of worship with the same cheer- ful readiness to like what they like. You may be a High Church Episcopalian and they belong to the broadest wing of Unitarians or the straitest sect of Evan- gelicals. Put prejudice and personal preference behind you and find consola- tion in the serene conviction of guestly duty done and done in a truly Christian spirit. XII THE VISITED It has been said, and with an un- fortunate amount of truth, that the gra- cious, old-fashioned art of hospitality is dying out. Those who keep open house from year's end to year's end, from whose doors the latch-string floats in the breeze, ready for the fingers of any friend who will grasp it, are few. The "entertaining" that is done now does not compensate us for the loss of what may be called the "latch-string-out" custom of the days gone by. Luncheons, teas, dinners, card-parties, receptions and the like, fill the days with engagements and hold our eyes waking until the morn- ing hours, but this is a kind of wholesale hospitality as it were, and done by con- EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE tract. Such affairs remind one ludicrously of the irreligious and historic farmer-boy who, reminiscent of his father's long- winded "grace before meat," suggested when they salted the pork for the winter that he "say grace over the whole barrel" and pay off a disagreeable obligation all at one time. Perhaps if our hostess were frank she would acknowledge a similar desire when she sends out cards by the hundreds and fills her drawing-rooms to overflowing with guests, scores of whom care to come even less than she cares to have them. But there seems to be a credit and debit ac- count kept, and once in so often it is in- cumbent on the society woman to "give something." Florists and caterers are called to her aid, and, with waiters and as- sistants hired for the occasion, take the work of preparation for the entertain- ment off my lady's hands. 134 THE VISITED In speaking of hospitality in this chap- ter, we refer especially to the entertain- ing of a visitor for one, or many days in the home. Let us put the blame where it belongs and aver that there are reasons for the decline of hospitality in this coun- try, and that the greatest of these is SERVANTS ! Not long ago we made a point of asking several housekeepers why they did not invite friends to visit them. Three out of four interviewed on the subject agreed that the servants were the main drawback. The fourth woman, who was in moderate circumstances, confessed that she did not want guests unless she could "entertain them handsomely." To obviate the first-mentioned difficulty every housekeeper should, when engaging a servant, declare boldly that she receives her friends at will, in her home, and have that fact understood from the outset of Bridget's or Gretchen's career with her. 135 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE As to the reason given by the fourth housekeeper, it is too contemptible to be considered by a sensible woman. Our guests come to see us for ourselves, not for the beauty of our houses, or for the ele- gance of our manner of living. The woman whose house is clean and furnished as her means permit, who sets her table with the best that she can provide for her own dear ones, is always prepared for company. There may be times when the unlooked-for coming of a guest is an in- convenience. It should never be the cause of a moment's mortification. Only pre- tense, and seeming to be what one is not, need cause a sensation of shame. If a friend comes, put another plate at the table, and take him into the sanctum sanc- torum the home. With such a welcome the simplest home is dignified. But as to the invited guest. The would- be hostess knows when she wishes to re- 136 THE VISITED ceive her friend, and, in a cordial invita- tion, states the exact date upon which she has decided, giving the hour of the ar- rival of trains, and saying that she or some member of her family will meet the guest at the station. One who has ever arrived at a strange locality, "unmet," knows the peculiar sinking of heart caused by the neglect of this simple duty on the part of the hostess. The letter of invitation should also state how long the visitor is expected to stay. This may be easily done by writing "Will you come to us on the twenty- first and stay for a week?" or, "We want you to make us a fortnight's visit, coming on the fifteenth." If one can honestly add to an invitation, "We hope that you may be able to extend the time set, as we want to keep you as long as possible," it may be done. If not meant, the insincere phrase is inexcusable. 137 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Elaborate preparations should be avoid- ed preparations that weary the hostess and try the tempers of servants. The guest-chamber will be clean, sweet and dainty. No matter how competent a chambermaid is, the mistress must see for herself that sheets, pillow-slips and towels are spotless, and that there are no dusty corners in the room. If the visitor be a woman, and flowers are in season, a vase of favorite blossoms will be placed on the dressing-table. The desk or writing- table will be supplied with paper, envelops, pens, ink, and even stamps. Several in- teresting novels or magazines should be within reach. All these trifles add to the home-like feeling of the new arrival. A welcome should be cordial and hon- est. A hostess should take time to warm her guest's heart by telling her that she is glad, genuinely glad, to have her in her home. She should also do all she can to 138 THE VISITED make the visitor forget that she is away from her own house. All this done, the guest should be let alone! We mean this, strange as it may seem. Many well-meaning hostesses annoy guests by following them up and by insisting that they shall be "doing something" all the time. This is almost as wearing and depressing as neglect would be. Each person wants to be alone a part of the time. A visitor is no exception to this rule. She has letters to write, or an interesting book she wants to read, or, if she needs the rest and change her visit should bring her, it will be luxury to her to don a wrapper and loll on the couch or bed in her room for an hour or two a day. The thought that one's hostess is noting and wondering at one's absence from the drawing-room, where one is expected to be on exhibition, is akin to torture to a nervous person. 139 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Provide a certain amount of entertain- ment for the visitor in the way of out- door exercise (if she likes it), callers, amusements and so forth, and then (again!) in plain English, let her alone! One must never insist that a guest re- main beyond the time set for her return, if the guest declares sincerely that to re- main longer is inadvisable. To speed the parting guest is an item of true hospital- ity. The hostess may beg her to stay when she feels that the visitor can con- veniently do so, and when her manner shows that she desires to do so. But when the suggestion has been firmly and grate- fully declined, the matter should be dropped. A guest who feels that she must return to her home for business, family or private reasons, is embarrassed by the in- sistence on the part of her entertainers that such return is unnecessary. Of course, the visitor in one's house 140 THE VISITED should be spared all possible expense. The porter who brings the trunk should be paid by the host, unless the guest forestalls him in his hospitable intention. Car- fares, hack-hire and such things, are paid by the members of the family visited. All these things should be done so unobtrusively as to escape, if possible, the notice of the per- son entertained. No matter what happens should there be illness and even death in the family a hospitable person will not allow the stranger within her gates to feel that she is in the way, or her presence an incon- venience. There is no greater cruelty than that of allowing a guest in the home to feel that matters would run more smoothly were she absent. Only better breeding on the part of the visitor than is possessed by her hostess will prevent her leaving the house and returning to her home. Should sudden illness in the family 141 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE occur, the considerate person will leave. But this must be permitted only under protest. To invite a friend to one's house, and then seem to find her presence unwel- come is only a degree less cruel than con- fining a bird in a cage, where he can not forage for himself, and slowly starv- ing him. If one has not the hospitable in- stinct developed strongly enough to feel the right sentiment, let him feign it, or refuse to attempt to entertain friends. The person under one's roof should be, for the time, a sacred object, and the host who does not feel this is altogether lacking in the finer instincts that accompany good breeding. We know one home in which hospitality is dispensed in a way no guest ever for- gets. From the time the visitor enters the doors of this House Beautiful she is, as it were, enwrapped in an atmosphere of loving consideration impossible to de- 142 THE VISITED scribe. One guest, visiting there with her children, was horrified at their being taken suddenly ill with grippe, so ill that to travel with them just then was dangerous. She was hundreds of miles away from home with the possibility of the children's being confined to the house for some days to come. The physician summoned con- firmed her fears. The distressed mother knew only too well what an inconvenience illness is, especially in a friend's house instead of in one's own home. All the members of the household united in making the disconcerted woman feel that this home was the one and only place in which the little ones should have been seized with the prevailing epidemic; that it was a pleasure to have them there under any circumstances; that to wait on them and their mother was a privilege. The sweet-voiced, sweet-faced hostess, herself an invalid at this time, drew the 143 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE anxious visitor down on the bed beside her and kissed her as she said : "Dear child! try to believe that you and yours are as welcome here as in your own dear mother's home." Surely of such is the Kingdom of Heaven! XIII HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY If ours were a perfect state of society, constructed on the Golden Rule, ani- mated and guided throughout by unself- ish love for friend and neighbor, and charity for the needy, there would be no propriety in writing this chapter. Home, domestic comfort and happiness being our best earthly possessions, we would be ea- gerly willing to share them with others. As society is constructed under a state of artificial civilization, and as our homes are kept and our households are run, the element of duty must interfere, or hos- pitality would become a lost art. Even where the spirit of this one of the most venerable of virtues is not wanting, con- science is called in to regulate the manner 145 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE and the seasons in which it should be ex- ercised. As a corner-stone, assume, once for all, that a binding obligation rests on you to visit, and to receive visits, and to enter- tain friends, acquaintances and strangers in a style consistent with your means, at such times as may be consistent with more serious engagements. It may sound harsh to assert that you have no right to accept hospitality for which you can never make any return in kind. The principle is, nevertheless, sound to the core. Those who read the newspapers forty years ago will recall a characteristic inci- dent in the early life of Colonel Ells- worth, the brilliant young lawyer who was one of the first notable victims of the Civil War. His struggles to gain a foothold in his profession were attended by many hardships and humiliating privations. 146 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY Once, finding the man he was looking for on a matter of business, in a restaurant, he was invited to partake of the luncheon to which his acquaintance was just sitting down. Ellsworth was ravenously hungry, almost starving, in fact, but he declined courteously but firmly, asking permission to talk over the business that had brought him thither, while the other went on with the meal. The brave young fellow, in telling the story in after years, confessed that he suf- ferred positive agony at the sight and smell of the tempting food. "I could not, in honor, accept hospital- ity I could not reciprocate," was his simple explanation of his refusal. "I might starve, I could not sponge 1" Sponging to put it plainly is pau- perism. The one who eats of your bread and salt becomes, in his own eyes not in yours your debtor. For the very genius 147 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE of hospitality is to give, not expecting to receive again. (This by the way!) I do not mean if your wealthy acquaint- ance invites you to a fifteen-course din- ner, the cost of which equals your monthly income, that you are in honor or duty bound to bid her to an entertainment as elaborate, or that you suffer in her estima- tion, or by the loss of your self-respect. But by the acceptance of the invitation you bind yourself to reciprocation of some sort. If you can do nothing more, ask your hostess to afternoon tea in your own house or flat, and have a few congenial spirits to meet her there. It is the spirit in such a case that makes alive and keeps alive the genial glow of good-will and cordial friendliness. The letter of com- mercial obligation, like for like, in degree, and not in kind, would kill true hospi- tality. Your friend's friend, introduced by 148 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY him and calling on you, has a proved claim on your social offices. If you can not make a special entertainment for him, ask him to a family dinner, explaining that it is such, and make up in kindly welcome for the lack of lordly cheer. If it be a woman, invite her to luncheon with you and a friend or two, or to a drive, winding up with afternoon tea in some of the quietly elegant tea-rooms that seem to have been devised for the express use of people of generous impulses and slender purses. It is not the cost in coin of the realm that tells with the stranger, but the temper in which the tribute is offered. "I do not 'entertain' in the sense in which the word is generally used," wrote a distinguished woman to me once, hear- ing that I was to be in her neighborhood. "But I can not let you pass me by. Come on Thursday, and lunch with me, en tete- a-tete" EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE I accepted gladly, and the memory of that meal, elegant in simplicity, shared with one whom my soul delights to honor, is as an apple of gold set in a picture of silver. The stranger, as such, has a Scriptural claim on you, when circumstances make him your neighbor. In thousands of homes since the day when Abraham ran from his tent-door to constrain the thirst- ing and hungering travelers to accept such rest and refreshment as he could offer them during the heat of the day, angels have been entertained unawares in the guise of strangerhood. "Did you know the B 's before they came to our town?" asked an inquisitive New Englander of one of her near neigh- bors. "No." "Then you won't mind my asking you? why did you invite them to dinner 150 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY on Thanksgiving Day? It's made a deal of talk." Abraham's disciple smiled. "Because they were strangers, and seemed to be lonely. They are respect- able and they live on my street." Poetical justice requires me to add that the B -'s, who became the lifelong friends of their first hostess in the strange land, proved to be people of distinction whom the best citizens of the exclusive lit- tle town soon vied with one another in "cultivating." In ignorance of their ante- cedents the imitator of the tent-holder of Mamre did her duty from the purest of motives. Not one individual or one family has a moral or a social right to neglect the prac- tice of hospitality. Unless one is con- fined to the house or bed by illness, one should visit and invite visits in return. We are human beings, not hermit crabs. 151 XIV THE HOUSE OF MOURNING The observance of mourning is a diffi- cult matter to treat, for individual feeling enters largely into the question. Still, there are certain rules accepted by those who would not be made remarkable by their scorn of conventionalities. The matter of mourning-cards and sta- tionery has been treated in the chapter on "Calls and Cards," and on "Letter- Writ- ing." A word may here be added with regard to the letter of condolence. This should be written to the bereaved person as soon as practicable after the death for which she mourns. It must not be long, but should express in a few sincere words the sympathy felt, and the wish to do something to help alleviate the mourner's 152 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING distress. This letter does not demand an answer, but some persons try, some weeks after such letters have been received, to reply to them. This is not really neces- sary, except when the writer is a near friend of the family. In many cases, a black-edged card bearing the words, "Thanks for your kind sympathy," is mailed to the writer. If one does not write a letter, one may send to or leave at the house of mourning a card, bearing the words, "Sincere sym- pathy" upon it. It is now customary to accompany the funeral notice in the daily papers with the sentence, "Kindly omit flowers." This is especially customary when the deceased is a well-known or popular person. To send flowers after the appearance of such a notice is the height of rudeness and shows little respect to the dead and none for the family. There are many funerals at 153 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE which flowers are a burden, there is such a profusion of them. Not only is it neces- sary to have a special coach to transport the huge floral emblems to the cemetery, but there they soon fade, leaving the wire forms to rust and become an eyesore until the caretaker of the section removes them. It is far better, if one does send flowers, to let them be bunches of loose blossoms, which may be strewn over the grave, and which, in fading, will not leave a hideous skeleton of stained wire to torture the sight of the first visitors to the newly- made grave. If there are more of these blossoms than can be taken to the cem- etery, those left may be sent to the in- mates of hospitals, who need not know that they were intended for a funeral. If the request "no flowers" is made publicly, let outsiders leave to the members of the family of the deceased the melancholy privilege of supplying the few choice 154 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING flowers that accompany their dear one to his last resting-place. It is surely their privilege. In attending a funeral, one should be very prompt, and yet not so far ahead of the hour set as to arrive before the final arrangements are completed. At a church or house funeral, one should wait to be seated as the undertaker or his assistant directs. Nor should one ever linger after the services to speak to any members of the family, unless one is particularly re- quested to do so. In churches of two denominations it is not customary to have the coffin opened to the public gaze. It is a pity that this law is not universal, but it is becoming more common to have the casket left closed through the entire service. It cer- tainly spares the mourners the agonizing period during which the long line of friends, and strangers who come from 155 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE vulgar curiosity, file past and look on the unshielded features of the dead. Some one has said that the custom of allowing the curious who did not know the deceased, and who cared nothing for him, to gaze on his face after death, seems to be taking an unfair advantage of the dead. Many persons prefer a quiet house fu- neral for one they love, for there are few persons vulgar or bold enough to force themselves into the house of mourning, where only those who knew and loved the departed are supposed to be welcome. At a house funeral the clergyman stands at the head of the coffin while he reads the service, the audience standing or sitting as the custom of the special serv- ice used demands. At a church funeral, the clergyman meets the coffin at the door and precedes it up the aisle, reading the burial service. As he begins to read, the congregation 156 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING rises and stands as the procession moves forward. When, after the services, the coffin is lifted by the bearers, the congre- gation again arises and remains standing until the casket has been taken from the church. A private interment, or one at the convenience of the family, is now al- most universal. Unless invited, no out- sider, even if he be a friend of the family, will go to the cemetery under such circum- stances. After the funeral, and when one's friends have become accustomed to their sorrow, is the time when grief is the hard- est to bear. It is then that the sympathetic person may do much toward brightening the long and dreary days in the house of mourning. Flowers left at the door oc- casionally, frequent calls, an occasional cheering note, a bright book lent, are a few of the small courtesies that amount to actual benefactions. Only those who 157 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE have had to learn to live with a grief that is almost forgotten by others know what such tokens of thoughtful sympathy mean. The heaviest mourning demanded by conventionality is worn by a widow, but even she is now allowed to dispense with the heavy crape veil. In its place is the long veil of nun's veiling, which is worn over the face only at the funeral. With it is a face-veil, trimmed with crape, and a white ruche or "widow's cap" stitched in- side of the brim of the small bonnet. The dress is of Henrietta cloth, or other lus- terless material, and may be trimmed with crape. Black suede gloves and black-bor- dered handkerchiefs, if these are liked, are proper. The widow seldom discards her veil under two years, some widows wear it always. After the first year it is shortened. It is a matter for congratulation that 158 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING crape, that most expensive, unwholesome, perishable and inartistic of materials, is worn less and less with each passing year. Surely to have to wrap oneself in its stiff and malodorous folds adds discomfort to grief. It is now seldom worn except by widows, although a daughter may wear it for a parent, a mother for her child. The matter of the mourning-veil is one each person must settle for herself, al- though the strictest followers of fashion deprecate its use for any women except widows. Some bereaved daughters and mothers wear it, but not for a long period, seldom longer than six months. Mourning for the members of one's im- mediate family may be worn for a year, then lightened. Mourning for a relative- in-law is lightened at the end of three or six months. While on this subject it would be well to call attention to the fact that one should 159 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE either wear conventional black, or no black at all. For a widow to wear, as a well- known woman did recently, a long veil and gray suede gloves, borders on the ridiculous. Nor should velvet, cut jet, satin and lace be donned by those wearing the insignia of grief. Nor are black-and- white combined deep mourning. They may be worn when the weeds are light- ened, but not when one is wearing the strictly conventional garb of dolor. Even widows may wear all white, but not with black ribbons, unless the heavy black has been laid aside for what may be called the "second stage" of bereavement. At first, all materials either in black or white, must be of dull finish. Dresses may be of nun's veiling, Henrietta cloth, and other un- shining wool fabrics, or of dull, lusterless silks. Simple white muslins, lawns and mulls are proper, but must not be trimmed with laces or embroidered. 160 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING For men, black or gray suits, black gloves and ties, and a black band upon the hat, are proper. The tie should be of taf- feta or grosgrain silk, not of satin or fig- ured silk. I would lay especial stress on the poor taste of the recent fad of wear- ing a black band upon the sleeve of a tan coat. If a man is too little grieved, or too poor to buy a black or gray coat, or to have the tan coat dyed black, let him wear it, and dispense with the reminder that he is an object for condolences. The same rule applies to the would-be smart young woman who sports a narrow black strip upon the left arm of her tan rain-coat or walking- jacket. If she can not wear con- ventional and suitable mourning, she would better wear none. The matter of the period of time in which a mourner should shun society is a subject on which one may hesitate to express an opinion, as there are too many 161 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE persons whose views would not coincide with ours. In this case, as in others, one must, to a certain extent, be a rule unto oneself. One who is very sad shrinks nat- urally from going into gay society for the first few months after bereavement. The contrast of the gaiety with the mourner's feelings must, of necessity, cause her pain. To such an one we need suggest no rules. To those less sensitive or less unhappy, it would be well to say that deep black and festive occasions do not form a good com- bination. While one wears crape and a long veil one should shun receptions, opera boxes, teas, and all such places. Later, as one lightens one's mourning, one may at- tend the theater, small functions, and in- formal affairs. Even the very sad may go to the theater when they would shrink from attending an affair at which they would meet strangers and where they would be obliged to laugh and be gay. 162 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING After the first few months of conven- tional retirement are past the sufferer must decide for herself what she may and may not do. We would add, rather as a suggestion than as a law of etiquette, that the onlooker forbear to judge of the be- havior of the recently-bereaved. The heart knoweth its own bitterness, and if that bitterness can be sweetened by some genial outside influence, let others hesitate to condemn the owner of the heart from seeking that sweetness. Those whom we have lost, if they were worth loving, would be glad to know that our lives were not all dark. 163 XV AT TABLE Rules for setting the table change from year to year, so it is not possible to give many directions for laying the board. Fine table-cloth and napkins of pure white are always en regie, and the great- est care must be bestowed upon the proper laundering of these. At the right of each place stand the water glass and the wine glasses, if these last are used. To the right of the plate is the knife, to the left, the fork. The folded napkin is laid on the right-hand side of the knife. The soup and dessert spoons may be placed at the right of the knives, or horizontally across the table at the upper side of the plate. At breakfast and luncheon the bread-and-butter plate, holding a small 164 AT TABLE knife, stands at the end of the forks on the upper left hand side of the place. The matter with which we have espe- cially to do just now is the manners of the eater. The table may be simply or elabo- rately laid, as circumstances and taste dic- tate. It goes without saying that every housekeeper will have her board as at- tractive in appearance as possible, and that she will never omit the bowl or vase of flowers from the center of it. If her purse will not allow this decoration in mid-winter she may substitute a potted plant or a vase containing a few sprays of English ivy, or Wandering Jew. The men never sit down until the women are seated. Each man draws out for her the chair of the woman who sits next him. Even in the quiet home-life this practice should be observed, and hus- band or sons must always draw from the table the chair in which the wife or mother 165 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE is to sit, and remain standing until she is seated. As soon as all are at the table the napkin is unfolded and placed across the knees. It need not be opened wide, unless it is a small breakfast or luncheon servi- ette. When the hostess begins to eat, the others follow her example. All food must be eaten slowly, and, above all, noiselessly. Many a fastidious person has had her en- joyment of her soup spoiled by the audi- ble sipping of it by her vis-a-vis or her next neighbor. The soup should be lifted from the plate by an outward sweep of the spoon, and taken quietly from the side, not the tip, of the spoon. It is bad form to break bread or crackers into the soup, and the plate containing the liquid should never be tipped in order to obtain every drop of the contents. Fish is not to be touched with the knife. There is reason for this. The cutting of some delicate sea-food with a steel knife 166 AT TABLE affects the flavor of it, and renders it less delicate. The flesh is so tender that it may be cut with a silver fork, and this is the only implement permitted in its manipu- lation. The same rule applies to salads, which are never, by the followers of con- ventionality, touched with the knife. Let- tuce is, before serving, broken into bits of a convenient size to be carried to the mouth. If this is not done, the eater should cut it with the side of the fork, or fold each bit over into a convenient size for eating. It should not be necessary to remind people in this day of decent behavior that the knife must only be used for the pur- pose of cutting the food. When it has fulfilled this duty, being wielded by the right hand, the food being held in place by the fork in the left, the fork is then taken in the right hand, and the knife laid, with the edge turned outward, across 167 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE tHe back of the plate. It is generally sup- posed that all classes know the use of the knife, yet in a fashionable restaurant there recently sat a handsomely-attired woman carrying French pease to her mouth with the blade of her knife ! It is an atrocity to pile several kinds of food upon the fork, mold them into a small mound with the knife, and then "dump" the load into wide-open jaws. Each kind of viand should be lifted, a small bit at a time, upon the fork. Masti- cation should be absolutely noiseless, and the process conducted with the lips closed. Bread, even when hot, may be broken off, a small piece at a time, buttered upon the plate, then eaten. All hot bread should be torn open or broken with the fingers, never cut into bits. To butter a slice of bread by laying it upon the table or, more disgusting still, upon the palm of the hand, is a relic of barbarism. 168 AT TABLE A mouthful must never be so large as to make it impossible for the eater to speak if a question be addressed to him while he is disposing of it. Nor can too great stress be laid upon the duty of slow eating and thorough mastication of all kinds of food. Not only does it add to the grace of the table-manners, but it pre- vents indigestion. Never touch the food on the plate with the fingers, to push it upon the fork. If anything must be used for this purpose, let it be a bit of bread, but, if possible, dispense altogether with assistance of any kind. The fork should be equal to getting up all that is absolutely essential, and comfort does not depend upon securing every particle of meat or vegetables with which the plate is supplied. Every year the spoon has fewer uses, and the fork has more. Now, when it is possible, desserts are taken with the fork 169 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE where a spoon used to be employed. Pie, cake, ice-cream and firm puddings, with all kinds of fruit, are eaten with the fork. Of course the spoon is still essential for semi-solids, such as custards, creams, and jellies. There are a few things which one is al- lowed to eat with the fingers, besides breads of all varieties. Such are Sara- toga chips, olives and small bird-bones, these last to be taken daintily in the fin- ger-tips. It is no longer considered good form to eat asparagus with the fingers, although some very well-bred persons still do it. It is certainly an ugly sight to wit- ness one's opposite neighbor eating as- paragus in this manner. It is possibly not so unattractive as to see him eat corn from the cob. But no better way of disposing of this last vegetable has as yet been in- vented. At breakfast, one may drink coffee 170 AT TABLE with sugar and cream, but when black, or after-dinner coffee is served in a small cup, which is known as a demi-tasse, cream should be omitted. To ask for this when it is not on the table is the height of rudeness. One should learn to drink his after-dinner coffee without cream. Sugar is, of course, permissible. There is sense in this dictate of fashion, as in many of the other rules laid down by this dicta- torial dame. The coffee taken at the end of a hearty meal is intended to act as a "settler" to the repast and to aid the work of digestion. This it does much more easily when clear than when "qualified" with milk or cream. After the salad course at a dinner, and before the dessert is brought in, the wait- ress removes the crumbs from the table, using a tray and folded napkin for this purpose. When she does this it is bad form for the guest to lay in the tray any 171 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE bits of bread that may be left at his place or to assist the waitress by moving his glass, salt-cellar, or any other article that may be left on the table. A good waitress should remove salt-cellars, pepper-cruets, and such articles, before crumbing the table, leaving only the glasses at each place. It is her business to do all this so quietly and deftly that the guests are scarcely conscious of it. To further this end, let the whole affair be attended to by the waitress, and do not seem to notice any lapses on her part. At the end of the meal the finger-bowls are used. The ends of the ringers are dipped in the water, and the lips touched with these; then mouth and hands are wiped upon the napkin which is left, un- folded, at the side of the plate, if one is taking only one meal in the house. If a longer stay is expected, he may watch his hosts to see what they do with their nap- 172 AT TABLE kins, and follow their example in dispos- ing of his. Dinner over, the hostess makes the movement to rise, and she, with the other ladies, proceeds to the parlor. There they are joined later by the gentlemen. At an informal or family dinner, the men and women may leave the table together, the men standing aside to let the women pass out first, and in the drawing-room cigars may be lighted by the men after they have asked permission of the women to smoke. All the above rules with regard to the company dinner apply to the family din- ner as well. One can not be too careful in observing the laws of table etiquette in the family circle if one would be at ease in company. One warning I would give to the hostess or home-maker : Do not apologize unless necessary! If a dish is a signal failure, say with an apologetic smile that 173 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE you regret that such a thing was spoiled in the baking, or that you fear the meat is very rare, and, unless the matter can be remedied, let it go at that. You but em- barrass your guests and put them to the disagreeable necessity of reassuring you, if you dwell upon the matter. And if a guest drop a cup, or upset a glass, or have any other accident, he should apologize in a few sincere words, and then say no more about the matter. If he choose to do so, he may, after dinner, speak in an aside to his host, and express his regret at his care- lessness. The host should never insist that one be served a second time to any dish after it has been positively declined. To do this is rude and no less disagreeable to the object of the attention because it is kindly meant. At a formal dinner one is not served a second time to any dish, but at an infor- mal dinner, what are called "second 174 AT TABLE helps," are quite permissible and convey a subtle compliment to the hostess. When a plate is sent back to the carver for a fresh supply of meat, the knife and fork should be laid side by side upon it, not held in the hand, as some persons insist. And when one has finished eating, the knife and fork are laid in the same man- ner upon the plate. The napkin must never be tucked into the neck of gown or shirt, nor must it be fastened to the belt or the waistcoat-but- ton. After one leaves the nursery one should be able to eat without a bib. 175 XVI ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he," declares the Book of books. And as a man is in his home, so will he be abroad, when the "company manner" rubs off. One frequently becomes involved in some quite unexpected circumstance that scratches off the beautiful surface-color- ing, if it be only as deep as the hue on the stained wood. The manner that one puts on when one goes into a friend's house, or dons when one is "in company," is what may be called "adjustable courtesy." If it is not made of the best material it seldom fits well. Not long ago a friend drove with us by the house of a man whose society manners, when first seen, call forth admiration. 176 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME Upon this particular spring afternoon, he sat upon the veranda of his home. As we approached, and he met our glance, he sprang to his feet, bowed low, and re- mained standing until we had passed. "What a pretty attention to pay to two women!" we exclaimed. Our friend gave a significant shrug, and called our notice to the fact that the man's wife had, before we came by, driven up to the end of the veranda, and that she was, unaided, climbing from a high trap in which she and her two little girls had been driving, while her husband lolled at ease in a steamer chair. It took the pres- ence of a woman who did not belong to him to bring him to his feet. Looking back, after we had passed, we noted that he had again resumed his lounging atti- tude, and that his wife was lifting the second child from the carriage. Such is adjustable courtesy! It is not 177 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE an everyday garment, and is, conse- quently, only worn to impress strangers. No one can afford to do the injustice to his better self of allowing himself to be- come careless toward those with whom he lives, or to neglect the small sweet courte- sies that should be found in the home, if anywhere. It is the home etiquette that makes the public etiquette what it should be. This reminder can not be repeated too often. In many houses the men forget to show the respect due to the wife, mother and sisters. Parents should train their sons to stand when a woman enters the room, and to remain standing until she sits down. The considerate husband rises and offers his wife the easy-chair in which he is seated. She, knowing that he is weary after a hard day at the office, will not take the chair, but she will appreciate the little attention, and love him the better for it. 178 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME In the same way it is always the place of a man to stand aside and let a woman pass out or into a room before himself. Going down a flight of stairs, the man goes first, so that in case the woman trips, he may catch her. In ascending the steps, she precedes him. In the talk on table etiquette, we have touched on many points, but not on certain things that seem too petty to be mentioned, as it is not supposed that per- sons of polite breeding need to be re- minded of them. It is only when one looks in on the home-life of some so-called "nice" people that one feels that perhaps after all to call attention to these points would not be superfluous. One of these is the use of the toothpick. To wield this in company is barbarous ; to produce it at table is disgusting. The idea of having a glass full of toothpicks upon the family board is as disagreeably sug- 179 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE gestive, and more disgusting, than would be the presence of a bowl of water, flanked on one side by a cake of soap, on the other by a wash-cloth. Cleansing of all parts of the body should take place in the privacy of one's own apartment or in the bath-room. Tipping back the chair at table or in company is bad form. One small child was broken of this habit when she lost her balance while swaying backward from the table on the two hind-legs of her chair, and gave her head a furious bump on the floor. Sobbing, she was lifted to her feet, and met the stern gaze of her father. "I am very glad," he said, "to see that you are badly enough hurt to be reminded never to tip your chair again. It is rude ! If some grown persons I know had re- ceived a similar lesson in childhood, they might not offend the taste of others as they now do." 180 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME Taking butter from one's butter-plate with the tip of a fork that has been al- ready in one's mouth is another disagree- able trick. The like may be said of the same way of helping oneself to salt. If a small butter-knife and salt-spoon are not provided, the tip of the knife may be used in their stead. Bolting food and pushing back one's chair without the preliminary and apolo- getic "Excuse me!" is the custom of some otherwise estimable householders. It would be better to eat less, if one's time be limited, and eat slowly, as food thus taken in a rush is of small use in the in- ternal economy. A few mouth fids, well masticated, will possibly do more good, and certainly produce less discomfort, than three times as much swallowed in in- digestible chunks. And after the short repast has been partaken of, let the mas- ter of the house set the example of com- 181 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE mon decency by uttering the conventional "Excuse me!" One hopes that it would be a difficult matter to find anybody so far oblivious of ordinary good manners as to clean his nails in the dining-room, but, let us blush to say it! one does meet many men who clean and pare their nails in the presence of family and intimate friends. Perhaps it is due to the fact that a woman does not carry a pocket-knife that she is sel- dom seen doing this. Her manicure in- struments are kept upon her dressing- table, and it is in her own room that she performs this very necessary part of her toilet. Not so her liege lord. After washing his hands up-stairs, he descends, open knife in hand, and, sitting down in drawing-room or library, surrounded by his family, proceeds to perform scaven- ger-work upon his nails. He will some- times file them also, oblivious of the fact 182 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME that the sound of the file produces a like rasping effect on the nerves of some be- holders. If a contingency arises that makes it necessary for a man to clean his nails in public, or in the presence of his family, let him have the grace to murmur an apology and turn his back during the operation. Another rudeness that a man will per- petrate in his own home, from which he would shrink in the home of another per- son, is that of wearing his hat in the pres- ence of women. Every mother should train the small boy of the house to remove his hat as soon as he enters the front (or back) door. To do this will then become second nature, and it would not be proba- ble that he could ever be guilty of the rudeness of standing in hall or parlor and talking to mother, sister or other feminine relative with his hat on his head. One mother at least positively refuses to hear 183 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE what her little son has to say if he ad- dresses her with his head covered. One may regret that with older men other women have not the like courage of their convictions. A man's hat is so easily re- moved we wonder just why he should leave it on in the house, even if he is go- ing out again in a moment. The man whose courtesy is not of the adjustable type will not do this, and these remarks are absolutely superfluous as far as he is concerned. Nor will it be necessary to remind him to pick up the handkerchief, thimble, scis- sors or book that the woman in his pres- ence lets fall, even if she be his wife. To assist the feminine portion of human- ity comes natural to the thoroughbred. And just here I would say a word to the young person of the so-called weaker sex. It is to remind her that she, as well as her brother, owes the duty of respect to 184 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME her elders. She is too prone to think that the boys of the family should rise for the older people, should remain standing un- til parents are seated, and should always be ready to run errands, or to deny them- selves for their seniors. The duty to do all these things is incumbent on the girl or woman in the presence of those who are her elders or superiors. The girl or young matron who reclines in an easy-chair, while her grandparent, mother, father, or woman-guest stands, is as guilty of rude- ness as her brother would be were he to do the same. It is not on the men alone that the etiquette of the home depends. Indeed it is the place of the mother to see that little lapses in good breeding are not over- looked. And she is the one who should, by her unselfishness, her gentle courtesy, and unfailing politeness in even the smallest items, show forth the spirit of true kind- 185 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ness, on which all good manners are founded. One thing that makes for peace and etiquette in the home is the recognition of the rights of others. For this reason one member of the family should never in- quire into another's correspondence, into his engagements, social or otherwise, or ask questions even of his nearest and dear- est. The fact that a man is one of a fam- ily, every member of which is dear to him, does not mean that he has no individual- ity, or that he must share the secrets of his friendships or business matters with any one. He should always feel in the home that any confidences he may care to give are most welcome, but that such confi- dences are never demanded or expected. In recognizing these rights of others, one must remember that each person's own room is sacred to himself. It is inex- cusably rude for one member of a family 186 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME to enter the room of any other member without first knocking at the door and re- ceiving permission to "come in." Each human being should feel that he has one locality that belongs to him where he can be alone unless he decrees otherwise. To further this end the wife should knock at her husband's door before she enters his room, and the husband should show her the same consideration, while brothers and sisters should always give the warning tap, which is virtually a request for per- mission to enter, before opening the door that the occupant of the room has closed behind him or her. 187 XVII IN PUBLIC The subject of this chapter is so large that we almost despair of doing more than touch on a few of the many points it should cover. Perhaps it would be well to give first a few rules for that most public of places, the street. The question as to the etiquette of rais- ing the hat is one that demands attention, and yet the rules are simple. A man always uncovers his head com- pletely when he returns a woman's bow. He does the same when he meets a man he knows walking with a woman, whether she be known to him or not. When a man is walking or driving with a woman and she bows to a man or woman she meets, her es- 188 IN PUBLIC cort lifts his hat. On parting with a woman he bares his head. If he stand and talk with her, he should hold his hat in his hand unless she asks him to cover his head, or unless the day be cold, in which case he says, "Will you pardon me if I put on my hat?" Then, when he leaves her, he again uncovers. As a safe rule in whist is, "When in doubt, lead trumps," so a safe rule for a man in public would be, "When in doubt, take off your hat." When a man meets a woman on the street, and wishes to talk with her for a moment, he should, if time allow, turn and walk a little way with her, rather than stop and thus hinder her. If he have a business engagement that makes this im- possible, he should apologize for not do- ing so, in a few words, as "Pardon me for not walking with you instead of stop- ping you, but my train leaves in fifteen 189 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE minutes," or, "I have an appointment in ten minutes." On a cold day, when a man stands talk- ing with a woman with his head uncov- ered, she should say, "Pray put on your hat! I am afraid you will catch cold." He should accede to her request, saying "Thank you!" as he does so. It is a woman's place to bow first, when she meets a man. Unless they are old friends, the man does not lift his hat until he has received this sign of recognition from a woman. When men meet each other on the street they may recognize each other as they please, by a nod, a wave of the hand, or by touching the hat. For a man to touch his hat to a woman is an insult, unless he be a servant as a coachman receiving an order from his mistress when he ac- knowledges the order by touching the brim of his hat with his hand. Did more 190 IN PUBLIC men appreciate that they were giving the "coachman's salute" to a woman, mortifi- cation rather than courtesy might prevent a repetition of the offense. When a man is a woman's escort and they board a street-car, she should, with- out comment, allow him to pay her fare. When they get on the same car by chance, she should make the move to pay her fare, but if the man hands the money to the con- ductor before she does so, she should simply bow and say "Thank you!" To dispute about who shall pay car-fare is bad form. A man helps a woman on the car, put- ting her on ahead of himself. In getting off, he goes out first, and then helps her out. When all seats are taken in a car and a woman enters, a gentleman will rise and give her his seat, lifting his hat as he does so, which courtesy she should always ac- 191 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE knowledge by saying "Thank you!" cor- dially and audibly. If the car be full and a woman enters carrying a baby in her arms, any girl or young matron present should resign her seat to the burdened passenger, unless some masculine passenger has manliness enough to do so. To the credit of human nature be it said that we have never seen a mother with a child in her arms stand for two minutes, no matter how crowded the car might be. Of course a young woman should re- sign her seat to an elderly woman, as she will do the same for a very old or infirm man. The custom of a man and a woman walking arm-in-arm at night is rapidly falling into disuse. For couples to walk in this way in the daylight has not been customary for years, unless the woman be so aged or invalided as to need the sup- 192 IN PUBLIC port of her escort's arm. Now, even after dark, there is hardly any need of a man's arm for a woman's guidance in the bril- liantly-lighted streets. If the couple be walking through a poorly-illuminated street, or on a country road, or climbing a steep hill, the man offers the woman his arm. He should also do this at night when he holds an umbrella over her head. Even in the daylight when they cross a crowded thoroughfare together he should lightly support her elbow with his hand to pilot her over. He should never, unless they be members of the same family, take her arm in order to guide her. In public a man must never attract a woman's attention by clutching her arm, or odious action ! by patting her on the shoulder or back. If there is such a noise about them that the mere speaking her name in a low voice will not reach her ears, he may respectfully touch her on the arm 193 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE saying at the same time, "Excuse me, please!" Personal liberties are always in poor taste, but never more vulgar than in a place where they are noted by all ob- servers. If a man escort a woman home, she may utter a brief "Thank you!" to him on parting with him. Profuse expres- sions of gratitude on such an occasion are bad form. On parting from him after he has taken her to the theater, opera, or any other entertainment, she may, when she bids him good night, say cordially, "I am indebted to you for a very pleasant evening," and, if she wish, she may add, "We shall be glad to have you call at any time." A man must never linger at a woman's door to utter his good-bys, or to speak a few final sentences. Doorstep chats may do for nurse-maids and their attendants. They are out of place in higher circles. A 194, IN PUBLIC man rings the bell for the woman he is ac- companying, and, if it be too late for him to enter the house for a few minutes, re- moves his hat, says good night, and takes his leave. So much fun has been made of the cus- tom that some women have of kissing each other in public places on meeting and parting, it is surprising that even gush- ing girls still adhere to the ridiculous fashion. If people must embrace, let it be in the sanctity of the home, or where there are no amused observers. If a kiss has no meaning, then let Fashion do away with it; if it means tender affection, it is too sacred a token to be exchanged where doz- ens of people may look on and comment on it. It is hardly too sweeping an as- sertion to make when one says that among mere acquaintances, kisses are best omit- ted altogether. Do let us have some method of salutation for those we really 195 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE love that is not given as frequently and freely to every chance acquaintance or casual friend! One woman declares that beyond her relatives there is no grown person she willingly kisses, except two women whom she has known for years, and she respects them too much to em- brace them in the presence of an unsym- pathetic world. A warm hand-clasp will suffice until the people who love each other can be alone. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, as to many others. When a man puts his family upon the train or boat which is to carry them from him, he will uncover his head, and kiss each one of the beloved group. Many other such exceptions will suggest themselves. Common sense and good taste should keep one from making a mistake in these matters. It is in wretched form for a man to speak of a woman by her first name when 196 IN PUBLIC talking to casual acquaintances. It is as bad form, or nearly as bad, for a woman to speak of a man by his last name, as "Brown" or "Smith." It takes very little longer to say "Miss Mary" or "Mr. Brown," and the impression produced is worth the extra exertion. Nor, unless they be members of the same family, does a man address a girl by her first name in a crowd of outsiders. In her home, she may be "Mary" to him. In public, let him ad- dress her as "Miss Smith." One of the most annoying of habits in- dulged in in public is that of being late at the theater. It is trying to have to lose whole lines of a play while one rises, gath- ering up bonnet and wraps to do so, to al- low the belated person to pass who sits beyond one. It is a pity that theater-goers do not take more pains to show each other the kindness of being in their places be- fore the curtain rises. 197 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE In entering a theater, the man stands aside to allow the woman to go into the door ahead of him, then steps forward to show his tickets to the usher, at the same time taking two programs from the table, or from the boy holding them. The cou- pons are handed back to the man, and kept by him, in case any mistake should arise with regard to the seats. Then the woman follows the usher down the aisle, followed by her escort. It is well for both men and women to remove their coats and wraps, either in the vestibule of the theater or before going into their seats. After sitting down, the woman takes off her hat and holds it in her lap through- out the performance. The same rules hold good with regard to a musicale or a concert, except that at these entertainments a woman does not re- move her head-covering. I wish there were any chance that any- 198 IN PUBLIC thing anybody might say could impress on American women that their habit of talking or, worse still, whispering, during a musical performance is abominably rude I Let those who have suffered by this almost universal practice testify to the misery it causes. To have one's favorite passage from a beloved composer marred by "Now this is where he dies, you know," or "Just hear the thunder in that orches- tra, and now just listen to the chirping of the dear little birds!" or, "I don't think I can lunch with you to-morrow, dear, but perhaps the next day," "Do you think those long coats are becoming to short women? who that has undergone the agony of being in the vicinity of such a talker can fail to utter a fervent "Amen" to the frenzied petition that they be sup- pressed? 199 XVIII ETIQUETTE OF HOTEL AND BOARDING- HOUSE LIFE There is no better place than a hotel in which to study the manners, or lack of manners, of the world at large. It is here that selfishness is rampant, and unselfish- ness hides its diminished head. Before we discuss the ethics of hotel life it will be well to give a few general directions as to what one does from the time he enters the door of the building which will, for a long or short time, he his place of abode. He proceeds at once to the office, makes known his desires with re- gard to a room or rooms, and writes his name in the register handed to him by the clerk. He is then assigned to his room, and a porter directs him thither, carrying 200 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE hand luggage. To this porter he hands his trunk-check, and the trunk is soon brought to his room. Upon the inside of the door in every hotel-room is tacked a set of rules of the house, and these are in themselves suffi- cient to instruct our uninitiated traveler in what is expected of him. He here learns that the hotel is not responsible for val- uables left on the bureau or table of the room, that the guest is requested to keep his trunk locked, and to lock his door upon going out, and to leave his key at the office; that valuable papers and jew- elry can be left in the safe of the hotel; at what hours meals are served, and so on. All these directions the considerate person will observe. None of them is unreason- able. There are many things for which no printed rules are given which are none the less essential to the correctness of de- meanor on the part of a guest. 01 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Loud talking is one of the things to be avoided. One must remember that in a hotel more than in any other place is the warning of the Frenchman likely to be proved true, "The walls themselves, my lord, have ears!" Each room has an- other room next to it, and the partitions are thin. The transoms all open upon a general hall in which can be heard any loud remark spoken in any one of the rooms. If one does not discuss affairs she wishes kept secret, she must bear in mind the fact that other people may be annoyed while resting, reading or talking, by fragmentary bits of conversation wafted to them. At the hotel table one must also bear this in mind. Loud talking in a public place stamps the speaker as a vulgarian, or a person who has seldom been outside of his own home, and has never learned to modulate his voice. On entering a hotel dining-room, the 202 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE traveler pauses until the head waiter, or one of his assistants, indicates a table at which he may sit. If this table be too near the radiator or window, or otherwise undesirable, the guest may courteously ask if he can not be placed in another lo- cality. When a man and a woman are to- gether the man enters the room first, and leads the way to the table, on the first occasion of their taking a meal at the ho- tel. After that, if they occupy the same table each day, the woman enters the room first and proceeds to her seat, followed by the man. He, or the waiter, draws back her chair for her and seats her. The man, of course, remains standing until she is seated. The menu card is handed to the man, with a pad or slip of paper and pencil. Upon this, after discussion with the woman, he writes his order. As a rule he orders the entire meal, except the dessert, 203 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE at once. The sweets can be decided on later. I wish I could impress on the minds of persons in a hotel that it is wretched form to criticize audibly the viands set be- fore them. The person sitting near you is not edified to hear you remark that the soup is wretched, the beef too rare, the coffee lukewarm. If you have any fault to find, do so to the waiter and in such a tone that other guests can not hear it. Above all, do not scold the waiter for that for which he is not to blame. He does not purchase the meat, nor does he fry the oysters. Show him that you appreciate this fact, and ask him politely if he can not get you a better cut, or oysters that are not burned. Some persons seem to think that it elevates them in the opinion of observers if they complain of what is set before them. They fancy, apparently, that others will be impressed with the idea 204 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE that they are accustomed to so much better fare at home than that they now have that it is a trial for them to descend to the plane on which others are eating. The fact of the case is that the person who is accustomed to dainty fare, and to even- threaded living, is too well-bred to call the attention of strangers to the fact. While we are on this subject it would be well to remind the thoughtless person that when he dines with a friend at that friend's hotel, on his invitation, he is a guest. It is therefore rude for him to comment unfavorably on the dishes on the table. When, under such circum- stances, a guest says to his host pro tern., "My dear fellow, they do not give you good veal here!" or, "Are you not tired of the mean butter you eat at this hotel?" he is criticizing in an offensive manner the best that his host can offer him, since he has no house of his own in which to enter- 205 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE tain. The guest should act as if it were his friend's private table, and forbear to criti- cize fare or service. One of the often-unconsidered items of expense in hotel-life is the "tips" that one must give. In no other place is one's hand so often in one's pocket. A porter carries a bag, and he must be tipped; another carries up a trunk; he must be tipped; one rings for iced water, and the boy bringing it expects his ten cents; one wants hot water every morning, and in notifying the chambermaid of this fact, must slip a bit of silver into her palm. The waiter at one's table must be frequently remembered, and the head-waiter will give one better attention if he finds something in his hand after he shows the new arrival to a table, and, of course, on leaving, one will also give a fee. So it goes! When, however, one is staying by the week at a hotel, "tips" need be given only once a 206 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE week, unless some unusual favor is asked. We may rebel against the custom, and with reason. But as not one of us can alter the state of affairs, it is well to ac- cept it with a good grace, or reconcile oneself to indifferent service. The matter of children in a hotel is one on which so much has been said and written that there is little left to say. At the first glance one is tempted to resent the fact that many hotel proprietors ob- ject to having children accompany their parents to the public table, and that some even demur at their presence in the house. Child-lovers have said bitterly that the celestial "many mansions" seem to be the only abodes in which the little ones are welcome, and all these opinions have a great deal of truth on their side. But it is not until one has undergone the annoy- ance of ill-governed children in a house where there are no restrictions enforced 207 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE on them, that one sees the other side of the shield. One large boarding-house at a fashionable summer resort is popular to mothers of large families because the pro- prietor does not object to children. A guest there last season decided that if that were the case said proprietor had no nerves. She soon learned that childless guests declined to stay at the place. Chil- dren raced up and down the long corri- dors, screaming as they went ; they played noisily outside of bedroom doors; they ate like little pigs at the hotel tables. In short, they made the house a purgatory for all except other children and their typical American mothers. I say "typical," but there are two types of mothers in this land of ours. One is the mother who hands the management of the children over to a nurse or several nurses, and she is, of course, the rich woman whose children see her seldom, and that 208 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE not often enough to bother her. The other type is the woman who has nerves toward all things except her own chil- dren's noise. She is such a doting parent that she is, to all appearances, blind and deaf to the fact that her own offspring drive to the verge of insanity other "grown-ups" with whom they come in contact. Verily the American youngster is having everything his own way in pri- vate and public nowadays! Dwellers in hotels are to be pardoned if they beg that he be kept in private until his parents learn to govern him, and by thus doing, to show mercy to other people. While the rules that govern propriety should be adhered to everywhere, there is no other place where they should be more strictly observed than at the summer hotel, or the boarding-house of a fashionable watering-place. It may not be an exag- geration to state that there are few decent 209 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE places where they are more openly disre- garded. With the trammels of city life one seems to lay down an appreciation of the fitness of things generally. The free intercourse, the rapidly-made acquaint- ances, the mingling of many sorts of peo- ples in the huge caravansary tend to make us cast aside conventionalities. Hus- bands, running down from the city for a Sunday with their wives, find them ab- sorbed and happy in the gay life about them, and quite sufficient unto themselves when the husbands return to counting- room and office on Monday morning. There is always a class of men who, hav- ing nothing else to do, are habitues of the summer hotel, where they flirt with the wives of other men and make themselves generally useful and talked-about. There may be no harm in all this sort of thing, but it is well for the discreet maiden and matron to avoid giving any 210 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE cause for the enemy to blaspheme, in other words, for the gossip to make her- self busy and dangerous. To this end, late hours in shaded corners of verandas, moonlight sails and walks, and beach- promenades well on toward midnight, are to be shunned. While these are inno- cent per se, they give rise to scandal. The young girl may always have a chaperon to whom to refer as to the properties, but it is not the young girl who is most talked about. The married woman whose hus- band lets her have her own way is a law unto herself, and she must be careful not to make that law too lax. It takes very little to set silly tongues wagging ; it takes months and years to check the com- motion they have made. Promiscuous intimacies at summer re- sorts are a great mistake. Unless a woman knows all about a fellow guest, she should not get in the habit of running into her 211 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE room, or of talking with her as with a life- long friend. She may be pleasant toward all, and intimate with none. It is a well-known fact that there is no other hotbed of gossip equal to a hotel or a boarding-house. Women, released from the cares and anxieties of house- keeping and home-making, turn their time and thoughts to fancy work and scandal. Each arrival runs the gantlet of criticism and comment, and afterward be- comes the subject of "confidential" con- versations upon veranda and in parlors. Here, as everywhere else, work that will occupy the mind is a sovereign cure for this habit. One can usually sit in one's own room, but if one does not, there is always a book to be read in parlors or on the veranda, which will show the would-be gossip or retailer of scandal that one is too much occupied to engage in con- versation, 212S BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE Certainly in a hotel no one lives unto himself, but each must consider the com- fort of his neighbor. Such a semi-public life is at the best a poor substitute for a home existence. Two rules to be observed will make other rules of hotel or boarding- house etiquette sink into insignificance compared with their importance. First: Do nothing that will make others uncomfortable. Second: Pay attention to your own business, and pay no attention to that of other people. XIX ETIQUETTE IN SPORT Sport, scientists tell us, is a relic of pre- historic pursuits; and the so-called sport- ing instinct is a stirring of the primeval nature within civilized breasts. Perhaps that is why more people forget the first tenets of good breeding when competing in various forms of outdoor exercise than in nearly all the other walks of life put together. The man who would view with an amia- ble smirk the spilling of a glass of Bur- gundy over his white waistcoat at a dinner, will often exhibit babyish rage at the breaking of a favorite golf -club or the stupidity of a caddie. The girl whose self-control permits her to smile and mur- mur: "It's really of no consequence!" 214, ETIQUETTE IN SP'ORT when a dance-partner's foot tears three yards of lace off her train, will seldom show the same calm good-humor when her opponent at tennis serves balls that are too swift and too hard-driven for her to return. There are many concrete and a few general rules for behavior in sport of all sorts, the observance or neglect of which denotes the "thoroughbred" or the boor far more accurately than would a week full of ordinary routine. The general rules apply to every form of sport. They are, briefly: First, last and always keep your tem- per! Remember the word "sport" means "pastime." When it becomes a cause of annoyance or impatience, or an occasion for loss of temper, it misses its true aim and you are not worthy to continue it. Second ; the "other fellow" has quite as much right to a good time as you have. 215 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Do not play selfishly, or vaunt your supe- riority over him. In all contests, show no elation at victory, or chagrin at defeat. This is the first and great law. Its ob- servance differentiates the true sportsman from the mere sporting-man. Third; play fairly. The man or girl who will take an undue advantage of any description over an opponent, not only breaks the most sacred rules of good breeding, but robs himself or herself of the real enjoyment of the game. Fourth; no sport in which people of breeding can participate demands loud talking, ill-bred language or actions, or the abridgment of any of the small sweet courtesies of life. To sum up, good breeding, fairness, self-control and patience are needful equipments. Without any and all of these no man or woman should take part in sports. 216 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT Golf, perhaps, more than any other out- door pastime, demands a thorough and judicious blend of the foregoing qualities. The old story of the Scotch clergyman 3 whose conscience would not allow him to continue both golf and the ministry, and who therefore abandoned the latter, was of course an exaggeration. But the idea it expresses is by no means absurd. When a crowd of people throng the links, when novice and adept, crank and mere exercise-seeker are jumbled together in seeming confusion it is not always easy to keep a cool head, a sweet temper and a resolution neither to give nor to take of- fense. Many a golf-player errs in behavior less through ill-intent than through heedless- ness and ignorance of what the etiquette of the occasion demands. Such enthu- siasts may profit by the ensuing rules which cover the more salient points of de- 217 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE corum, and which may enable the beginner to avoid many a pitfall : When two players "drive off" from the tee they should always wait until the couple in front of them have made their second shot and walked off from it. Thus confusion is averted and the proper dis- tance maintained. It is a simple rule, but one often broken. Three players should always let a pair of players pass them. Not only should they grant the desired position, but they should offer to do so before the question "May we pass?" can be asked. The pair in question should (in case such permission is not volunteered) ask politely to be allowed to move forward. The yell of "Fore!" is all the strict rules of the game demand, but the rules of breeding should come first. A single player must give way to all larger parties. This is but fair, since golf is, preeminently, a match; and those ac- 218 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT tively engaged in the contest should have the right of way over a man who is merely practising. The "single player" must recognize and yield with good grace. If he desires unobstructed practice, let him choose some time when the links are va- cant. Never drive on the "putting green" when other players are there "putting out." Players should not forget to get off the green the moment they have "holed out." The place is not intended as an isle of safety, or a club-house corner where scores may be computed, gossip ex- changed, or the work of others watched. If you are at the tee waiting for others to "drive off," never speak, cough, or in any way distract the attention of the player who is addressing the ball. Incon- siderate or ill-bred people in this way spoil hundreds of good drives and thousands of good tempers every year. 219 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE When a man and a woman are playing golf, the latter should always be allowed to precede on the first drive off from the first tee. A man, playing against a woman, should not allow himself to get too far ahead of her. Do not leave her to plod on alone. This same rule applies when play- ing with another man. Do not go after the ball after a drive until your opponent drives. Then walk together in pursuit. Never go ahead of your partner. Use no undue haste in golf. Never run! If you are not employing a caddie, al- ways offer to carry the clubs of the woman with whom you are playing. In the same circumstances offer to make the tee from which she is to drive off. It is optional with her whether or not to accept your offer. When you have no caddie allow players 220 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT who have caddies to pass you. They will go faster than you and should have the right of way. Never make unfavorable criticisms of others' play. Never, above all, laugh at any of their blunders. Automobiling has so increased in popu- larity that it is almost a national pastime. And with its growing favor has sprung up a noxious and flourishing crop of bad manners. There seems to be something about the speed, the smell of gasolene or the sense of superiority over slower ve- hicles, that robs many an otherwise well- bred automobilist of all consideration. Yet the utmost consideration is due, not only to mere mortals but to fellow "motor- men." Common humanity, as well as civility, should always prompt a chauffeur to stop at sight of a disabled auto and to ask if he can be of assistance; to offer the loan of 221 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE any necessary tools or extra gasolene; or even, if necessary, to volunteer a "tow." Do not presume on the community of interests to address the chauffeur or pas- sengers of a passing auto, any more than the passengers of one ordinary vehicle would address those of another. Do not stare at another's car, nor, if at a stand- still, examine the mechanism. This is the height of rudeness. The fact that you are so lucky as to be an automobilist gives you no license to investigate the workings of another man's machine, or in other ways to make yourself obnoxious. When passing an auto of inferior horse- power, do not choose that moment to ex- hibit your own greater speed. Be careful also not to give such a car your dust nor (so far as you can avoid) to sicken its oc- cupants with the smell of your motor's gasolene. Do not boast of the phenomenal runs 222 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT you have made. You are not a record- holder. And when you become one, the newspapers will gladly exploit the fact without any viva voce testimony from you. When meeting or passing a horse-ve- hicle never fail to shut down speed and, whenever possible, to ascertain whether or not the horse is afraid of automobiles. Do not violate the speed ordinance. The ordinance was made for public safety, not to spite you. Do not frighten animals or pedestrians, nor carelessly steer too near to some farmer's live stock which may happen to be in the road. Remember the owners of the chickens or dogs you may run over is helping to pay for the smooth road you are traversing. The road is partly his, and you are in a measure his guest. Tennis offers fewer opportunities for "breaks" than do many other of the sports 223 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE of the hour. Yet good breeding is here as necessary as when playing any other game. If you have a woman for a partner and it is her "serve," do not neglect to pick up and hand her the balls before each ser- vice. Second her more carefully than if she were a man, and take charge of the ex- tra balls for her. If a woman is your opponent, remem- ber she has not the strength and endurance of a man. Serve gently. Do not slam balls over the net at cannon-ball speed and force. Oppose only moderate strength to her lesser power. Give her the benefit of the doubt in the case of a "let," or when the ball may or may not be over the back line. In "double service" do not serve the second ball until she has recovered her po- sition from pursuing the first. The choice of rackets should also, of course, be hers ; 224 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT and any work, such as putting up the nets, hunting the lost ball, and so on, devolves on you. The yachtsman is of two classes, the man who delights in the dangers and sea- manship incident on a cranky "wind-jam- mer" in a heavy sea, and the man whose boat is a floating club-house. Both types are prone to forget at times thajt their guests are not so enthusiastic as them- selves; that they may be nervous or in- clined to seasickness, and that the amuse- ments of their host may not always ap- peal to them. The man who would never think of causing inconvenience to a guest on land will show impatience or lack of sympathy at that same guest's timidity or mal de mer, when afloat. The same rules of behavior that ob- tain between host and guest ashore should prevail on the yacht. The tastes of the lat- ter should be as scrupulously considered, 225 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE and his or her likes and dislikes be as con- siderately met. Similar laws of social usages apply to boating and canoeing. "The fool that rocks the boat" has received so many warn- ings and such just and wholesale con- demnation that there is no use wasting further words on him. No man who val- ues the safety and comfort of his com- panion will do anything to imperil either. A man should always offer to row, but should give the girl who is with him the option of doing so if she wishes. He should hold the boat steady for her and assist her to embark, having previously arranged the cushions in the stern and made all other possible plans for her com- fort. The course they are to take should al- ways be left to her choice, and her wishes should be consulted in every way. A girl would also do well to remember that the 226 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT man who has taken her boating is doing all the work and is trying to give her a pleasant time. She should meet him half- way, and should try to repress any ner- vousness she may experience in being on the water and any resentment she may feel at being occasionally requested by her "skipper" to "trim boat." Swimming is essentially a man's sport. While many women are good swimmers, they usually lack the strength and en- durance to make them men's equals in this line. A man should therefore be careful to avoid overtaxing the strength of the girl who is swimming with him ; should be content to remain near the shore if she so desire, and, in surf -bathing, should lift her over the breakers, or try to shield her from their force. In teaching others to swim, infinite pa- tience, good temper and tact are needful. 'Allow for the nervousness and awkward- 27 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ness which are the almost inseparable at- tributes of beginners. In driving always ask your companion if she or he would prefer to handle the reins. Do not, by bursts of speed, or by "fights" with a fractious horse, endanger the safety or composure of your guest. In riding horseback, never remain mounted when addressing some friend who is on foot. If your initial salute is to be followed by any conversation, dis- mount and remain on foot until you take your leave. In helping a girl to the sad- dle, always adjust the curb and snaffle, hand them to her and arrange her riding- habit before you mount your own horse. There are countless pitfalls for the un- wary in all forms of sport ; but none that can not be readily bridged by considera- tion for others, by good temper, and by the commonest rules of breeding. 228 XX MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL DUTIES We have ridiculed our newly-rich wom- an's fads, pretensions and failures so sharply and for so long that we find it hard to do justice to the solid virtues she often possesses. The average specimen is fair game, and we one and all, from the gentlest to the most sarcastic unite in "setting her down." Except perhaps the mother-in-law, no other woman supplies fun-makers with such abundant and cheap material. She might retaliate on her persecutors more frequently than she does by attribut- ing much of the ridicule, fine and coarse, heaped on her, to envy, far meaner than the meanest of her pretensions. Thus much for the average specimen at 229 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE her worst. The exceptions to the ignoble parvenu are numerous enough to form a class by themselves. It is not a disgrace in this country of dizzying down-sittings and bewildering uprisings, for miner, mechanic, merchant or manufacturer to make money fast. It is to his credit when he insists that the girl who was poorer than himself when they were married, and who has kept him at his best physical and mental estate ever since by wise manage- ment of their modest household making every dollar do the work of a dollar-and- a-quarter while feeding and clothing her family should get the full benefit of his changed fortunes. In house, furnijture, clothing, company, and what he names vaguely "a good time generally," he means that she shall ruffle it with the brav- est of her associates. He means also that these associates shall be in accord with his means. 230 MRS. NEWLYRICH The odds are all against the chances that our worthy money-maker will con- form his personal behavior to the new con- ditions. Husbands of his type leave "all that sort of thing" to wives and daugh- ters, and make the social advancement of these women harder thereby. Not the least formidable obstacle in their upward journey is the stubborn fact that "your father is quite impossible." Men, as a whole, do net take polish readily. Unless John Newlyrich wore a dress-coat before he was twenty-one, he is not quite at ease in a "swallow-tail" at forty. As a millionaire of fifty, he rebels against the obligation to wear it to the family dinner every evening in the week. If he has read Dickens, which is hardly likely, he echoes Mrs. Boffin's "Lor'! let us be comfortable!" He butters a whole slice of bread, using his knife trowel-wise, and if busy talking of something that 231 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE interests him particularly, lays the slice upon the cloth during the troweling. He cuts up his salad, and makes the knife a good second to the fork while eating fish. Loyal to the memories of early life, he never gets over the habit of speaking of dinner as "supper," and observes in con- versation at a fashionable reception, "As I was eating my dinner at noon to-day." In like absent-mindedness, he tucks his napkin into his collar to protect the ex- panse of shirt-front exposed by the low- cut waistcoat of his dress suit. He says "sir," to his equals, and addresses face- tious remarks to the butler, or draws the waitress into conversation while meals are going on. Anxious wife and despairing daughters are grateful if he does not put his knife into his mouth when off-guard. Trifles are they? Not to the climbers who are exercised thereby. They are gravel between the teeth, and pebbles in 282 MRS. NEWLYRICH the dainty foot-wear of Mrs. Newlyrich. The history of her social struggles would be incomplete without the mention of this drawback. She has learned the by-laws of social usage by heart, and, loving and loyal wife though she is, she sometimes loses patience with John for not doing the same. In this, and in many another perplexity, more or less grievous, our heroine has our sympathy and deserves our respect. We use the word "heroine" advisedly. We have put the wealthy, pushing vulgarian, who is part of the stock company of cari- cature and joke-wright, entirely out of the question. She has her sphere and her re- ward. Our business is with the woman of worthy aspirations and innate refinement, raised by a whirl of Fortune's wheel from decent poverty to actual wealth. She has a natural desire to mingle on equal terms with the better sort of rich people. 233 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE She is glad of her wealth, but not purse- proud. It has introduced her to another world. Of her social life it may be truly said that old things have passed away and all things have become new. It would be phenomenal if she fitted at once and easily into it. Money has bought her fine house, and for money the artistic upholsterer has furnished it. Money has hired a staff of servants, whereas up to now, a maid-of- all-work was her sole "help." Money does not enable her to master the "shibboleth" that would be her passport to the land she would possess. And to mangle it into "sibboleth" as the least sophisticated of us know means social slaughter at the passages of Jordan. Discarding Scriptural imagery for modern common sense, let us begin with the Newlyrich kitchen, in holding helpful counsel with the nominal mistress there- of. 234 MRS. NEWLYRICH Engage no servant who patronizes you. Give her to understand at the outset that you are the head of the house, and know perfectly well what you want each one to do, and how your household is to be run. Be kind with all familiar with none. They are your severest critics. Each is, in her way, a spy, but in her own interest. An employer who used to be poor, albeit she was, at the poorest, far richer than any of them will ever be, is a thing to be looked down on and bullied. Accept this as a basic truth and shape your course in ac- cordance with it. Assert yourself with dignity , never defiantly. They have noth- ing to do with your past, or with any- thing connected with your personal his- tory beyond the present relation existing between you as employer and hireling. They will discuss and criticize you below- stairs and on "evenings out," and, in the event of "changing their place," to the 235 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE next mistress who will stoop to listen to them. They would do the same were you a princess with a thousand-year-old pedi- gree. Stand in your lot and be philosoph- ical. You can not be too punctilious in not questioning them about how "things" were done in other houses in which they have been employed. Every such query will be construed into ignorance and diffi- dence. Be a law unto yourself and unto them. Yet you must learn how the people live whom you would meet upon common ground as old to them as it is new to you. You blush in confessing that you are be- wildered as to the order in which the va- rious forks are to be used that lie beside your plate at the few state dinners you at- tend. Entrees are many, and some appal- lingly unfamiliar. You wonder mutely what these people would think of you if 236 MRS. NEWLYRICH they knew that you were never "taken in" to dinner by a man until to-night, and how narrowly you watch the hostess, or the woman across the way before you dare ad- vance upon the course set before you. Dreading awkward stiffness that would betray preoccupation, you attract atten- tion by a show of gaiety unlike your usual behavior and unsuited to time and place. Should you make a mistake such as us- ing a spoon instead of the ice-cream fork you are abashed to misery. Don't apol- ogize, however gross the solecism! In eighteen times out of twenty, nobody has noticed the misadventure. In twenty cases out of a score, if it were observed you are the one person who would care a picayune about it, or ever think of it again. Another cardinal principle is to learn to consider yourself as a minute fractional part of society. When your name is bawled out by usher or footman at a large 237 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE party, it sounds like the trump of doom in your unaccustomed ears. To your ex- cited imagination all eyes are riveted upon you. In point of fact, you are of no more consequence to the eyes, ears and minds of your fellow-guests than the carpet that seems to rise to meet your uncertain feet. Stubborn conviction of your insignifi- cance is the first step that counts in the acquisition of well-mannered composure among your fellows. In forming new acquaintances, be courteous in the reception of advances, slow in making them until you have rea- son to think that you are liked for your- self, and not because your husband repre- sents six, or it may be seven, numerals. There are sure to be dozens of critics who will accuse you of parading these figures, as vessels fly bunting in entering a strange harbor. Stamp upon your mind that adventitious circumstance has noth- 238 MRS. NEWLYRICH ing to do with the worth of YOU, YOUB- SELF! For a long while after you embark up- on your new lif e, be watchful and studious yet covertly, lest your study be noted. Return calls promptly, sending in the right number of cards, and bearing your- self in conversation with gentle self-pos- session. Never be flattered by any atten- tion into a flutter of pleasure. Above all, do not be obsequious, be the person who honors you by social notice a multi-mil- lionaire, or the Chief Magistrate of these United States. Servility is invariably vul- garity. Familiarity is, if possible, a half- degree more repulsive. Self-respect and a wholesome oblivion of dollars and cents are a catholicon amid the temptations of your novel sphere. When you begin to entertain in your turn avoid, scrupulously, startling effects and novelties of all kinds. Until you are 239 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE used to the task, be strictly conventional in arrangements for your guests' recep- tion and pleasure. Let floral decorations and "souvenirs" be modest and tasteful. Mantels banked with orchids, bouton- nieres of hot-house roses at a dollar apiece, and cases of expensive jewelry as favors, may express a generous hospitality on your part and a desire to gratify the ac- quaintances you would convert into friends. They will surely be set down to ostentatious display of means that few of the guests possess. There are Manuals of Etiquette which will keep you from open solecisms in so- cial usages. Follow their rules obediently, curbing all disposition to originality for a while, at least. If possible, keep the greedy society-reporter at a distance, without angering her. Do not give away the list of those invited, much less the menu. As Dick Fanshawe's eulogist said 240 MRS. NEWLYRICH of men who "jump upon their mothers," "Some does, you know!" And thereby they give occasion to the afore-mentioned cartoonists and joke-ven- ders to deride the name of hospitality dis- pensed by the Newlyrich clan. Let the aforesaid Manual of Etiquette be fol- lowed with obedience, but not with servile and unthinking obedience. Unfortu- nately it is true that the person unac- customed to precise social regulations and to a formal manner of living, is inclined to consider the rules governing such life as arbitrary, inexplicable and mysterious. If the uninitiated woman will disabuse her- self of this idea, she has taken a long step in the right direction. Once you make a conquest of the thought that there is reason behind the forms employed by society, it will not be long before you will be searching for the reason itself. The laws governing the conventional 241 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE world will then acquire for you a mean- ing that will make adherence to them simple and natural, instead of stiff and mechanical. The matter of discriminating properly in questions of taste is a thing much more difficult to learn than the set and defi- nite rules governing definite exigencies of social life. Yet taste, taste in clothes, taste in the objects surrounding one, taste in all matters with which expenditure is concerned, this is a necessity in the at- tainment of any social position worthy of the name. In this direction something may be gained by observation, though not until the eye is sufficiently trained to make it a trustworthy guide. The sense of beauty is somewhat a matter of cultiva- tion and its application to everyday life is the result of experience and judgment. Do not imagine that a color is becoming to you merely because you happen to like 242 MRS. NEWLYRICH it. Do not buy a chair or a couch simply because the one or the other may happen to please your fancy. The color you wear, the furniture you buy must have refer- ence, the one to your appearance, the other to its surroundings. When one is unversed in these mat- ters it is best to submit problems to an authority. It is wiser to allow a clever modiste to select the color, style and ma- terial of one's gown than to do it oneself. It is better to put the scheme of decora- tion for your house into the hands of some accomplished person, educated to that end, than to attempt it yourself. In large cities persons competent in this matter of house- hold decoration may easily be found, peo- ple whose business it is to act as paid agents of the more beautiful and esthetic way. Many architects have in their em- ploy persons who are capable of ad- vising as to interior decoration and of 243 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE superintending the work. If one is resi- dent in a small place the difficulty is ob- viated by the intelligent aid offered to the questioner through the columns of the better magazines devoted to esthetics as applied to everyday living. The advice given in the best of these publications is conscientious, careful, expert advice. I have said that it is not your fault that you were not born in the purple. Neither is it of your merit and to your honor that you now walk in silk attire, and may freely gratify dreams you would once have considered wildly impossible. The best of all books enjoins on the sud- denly-exalted to be mindful of the pit from whence they were digged. Purse- pride is contemptible in its meanness and folly. You are safe from ridicule if you keep this fact in mind. Set up "me" and mine" in "P^I- type, and not in capitals. 244 " XXI A DELICATE POINT OF ETIQUETTE FOR OUR GIRL This chapter is, perhaps, rather a Fa- miliar Talk with Our Girl on the pro- prieties which she may not recognize as such than the emphasizing of various points of etiquette. But the violation of the essentials of self-respect is so common that a book of this character should have a chapter devoted to a bit of plain speaking to the young woman of to-day. We may call her actions under certain circumstances a violation of the proprieties, or of etiquette, or of conven- tionality. Or, perhaps, it is a sin against all three. We are accustomed to seeing the sign "Hands off!" hung upon dainty fabrics, 245 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE pure, spotless materials that would be injured and stained by the touching of a gloved or bare hand. People who admire the pure beauty of the article thus marked do not resent the sign. They see the wis- dom of it and are willing to obey the man- date. For a fabric once soiled never looks the same again. All the chemicals in the country can not give it the peculiar pris- tine freshness that was once its chief beauty. To those who appreciate the beauty of youth, its pure freshness, the thought of its being touched by indiscriminate hands is abhorrent. We have, happily, passed the Lydia Languish age, the day in which the young girl was a fragile creature, given to faint- ing and hysterics, clothed in innocence that was ignorance, good because she was afraid to be naughty, or because she was so hedged in by conventionalities that she 246 A DELICATE POINT did not have the opportunity to stray near the outer edge of the pasture bars. In her place we have a healthy, fearless, clear- eyed young person, looking life and its possibilities square in the face, good because she knows from observation or hearsay what evil is, and abhors it because it is evil. She is a sister, a chum, a jolly companion to the boy or man with whom she associates. She rides, walks, golfs or dances with him. She may do, and she does, all these things and she still keeps his respect. Thus far we go, and then creeps in the sinister question: Does she always do this? The answer comes promptly: It is her own fault if she loses any man's respect. To those of us who have outstepped girlhood, who have begun to live deeply these lives of ours that are full of potenti- alities for good or evil, there comes a keen 247 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE insight, and, with that insight, our outer sight becomes more clear; and sometimes in looking at young people we find our hearts, and almost our lips, crying out, "DON'T!" We would not be we are not prudes, but the bloom of the peach is beautiful, and once rubbed off it can not be replaced. The snow-white fabric is too fair to be carelessly handled. Last winter I sat in a train-seat behind a girl of eighteen and a young man a few years her senior. She was pretty and bright. She chatted gaily with her com- panion, who, after a few minutes, threw his arm over the back of her seat. To the initiated, it was evidently done as a trial as to whether that kind of thing would be allowed. The girl, intent on the conversa- tion, appeared not to notice the action. In a few moments the hand resting against the girl's shoulder was laid over the 248 A DELICATE POINT shoulder. The owner flushed, made some laughing protest, but evidently adminis- tered no rebuke, as the offending member continued to rest where it was, then grad- ually crept up toward her neck ; finally, at some teasing remark of hers, it tweaked her ear. Had the child been older, the look in the man's eyes as he watched the fluctuations of color in her pretty face, would have warned her that she was play- ing with fire; that his respect for her would have been greater had she shown in the beginning that the sign, "Hands off!" was on her person, although invisi- ble to the vulgar eye. This is but one of the many instances of the free-and-easy actions on the part of men, permitted by well-meaning girls. In nine hundred and ninety-nine cases out of a thousand a man will not take a liberty with a girl unless she allows it. I wish girls would bear this fact in 49 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE mind! Men are what they make them, what they allow them to be. When a young fellow told a man in my presence last week that such and such a girl was a "jolly sort," and, while out driving, had stopped at a roadhouse with him, gone into the parlor of the house and taken a glass of ginger ale while he had one of whisky, I was not surprised that the man of the world to whom he imparted this fact, remarked, "Crooked, eh?" That the young fellow (who, had he been older or less easily flattered, would not have related the occurrence) flushed and laughingly denied the allegation did not alter the fact that the conclusion drawn was inevitable. The young girl may not, probably did not, deserve the stricture passed on her, but by her free- and-easy behavior she lost something she never can regain. Men may pay attention to girls who ig- 250 A DELICATE POINT nore the conventionalities, who allow them doubtful liberties, but they like them be- cause they are what they term "fun." Such girls are not those for whom men live, for whom they sacrifice bad habits, for whom they look in seeking a wife, and for whom they w r ould bravely give up life if necessary. The true love of a good man is worth winning. It is not won by the girl who lowers herself to a man's level. To her might apply the time-worn toast of man to "The New Woman, once our superior, now our equal." Another point to which I would draw the attention of our girl is that the man should make the advances, should do the seeking and the courting. To this she would reply, "Why, of course! All girls know that." They may know it theoreti- cally, but does every girl live up to that knowledge? Does she always wait to be sought, to be won, without taking a hand 251 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE herself at assisting destiny? I think ob- servation will not prove that she does. In this very free-and-easy age, when men are too busy seeking the elusive mighty dollar to be over-eager to show marked attention to girls, it is often the young woman who pays heed to some of the preliminaries of the courting period. It is frequently she who suggests to a man, after meeting him several times, that she would be glad to have him call. It is she who, when he is going on a journey, asks him if he will not write to her. It is she who asks him for his picture and, on occasion, offers him one of hers. It is, and it has been through centuries, the place of the man to take the initiative in such matters. If he wants to call on a girl, let him have the courage to ask her if he may do so ; if he wishes to correspond with her, he should ask her permission to write to her. And if he does none of these 252 A DELICATE POINT things of his own volition, they may go undone. The girl who, through love of admiration, or the desire for men's atten- tion, takes these initial steps, loses her self-respect, and, unless the man in ques- tion be an exceptional instance, awakens in his breast a sensation of amused inter- est. He is flattered, and a bit contemptu- ous. As time goes on and he likes the girl more and more, that feeling may be for- gotten, but it is always lying there dor- mant, and may arise sometime just when the young woman would most wish for re- spect and love. Men prize that which they have had difficulty in winning. The apple that drops, over-ripe, at one's feet is never quite so tempting as that which hangs just beyond reach. It is well for the matter of sex to be put out of mind in many of the dealings be- tween young men and young women, but 253 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE in the question of loverly attentions it can not be ignored. And in this matter it is the man, and the man only, who should make advances. It is better for her peace of mind that a girl should never have the marked attention of any man, than that she should forget her maidenly dignity in order to acquire it. Such acquisition is cer- tainly not worth the price paid for it. A man must look up to that which he loves. And a hard-and-fast rule is the slangy one that declares that one does not run after a car when he has already caught it, or when it stands at the corner waiting for him, and ready to start or stand at his will. The girls for whom men find life worth living are those who are ideals as well as companions. Dear girls, be happy, be merry, have all the harmless fun that the good God, who wishes you to be happy, sends your way. But for the sake of the man who may one 254 A DELICATE POINT day seek you and win you for the sake of the womanhood that he would honor let all men know that you are labeled "HANDS OFF!" and that you are not to be cheaply gained. They will love you bet- ter, respect and honor you more for that knowledge. 255 XXII OUR OWN AND OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN Constance Fenimore Woolson, in one of her novels, thus describes a discourtesy to which mothers of young children are much given: "Talking with a mother when her chil- dren are in the room is the most trying thing conversationally; she listens to you with one ear, but the other is listening to Johnnie; right in the midst of something very pathetic you are telling her she will give a sudden, perfectly irrelevant smile over her baby's last crow, and your best story is hopelessly spoiled because she loses the point (although she pretends she hasn't) while she arranges the sashes of Ethel and Totsie." There is a protest in the paragraph 256 CHILDREN quoted that will find an answering groan in many a heart. Who of us does not wish that mothers of small children would adopt a few rules of ordinary politeness and courtesy, and, when talking to a guest, give attention that is not shared and almost monopolized by the child who happens to be present? Parents make the mistake of thinking that their children must be as absorbingly interesting to all visitors and acquaint- ances as they are to those to whom they belong. This is a vast mistake. No matter how fond one may be of the young of his species, he does enjoy a conversation into which they are not dragged, and talks with more freedom if they are not pres- ent. Certainly it is far better for the child to learn to run off and amuse him- self than to sit by, listening to talk not meant for his ears. Those of us who were children many years ago were not allowed 257 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE to make nuisances of ourselves to the ex- tent that children of to-day do, and surely we were happy. In one home there is a small boy, very good, and very affection- ate, whose mother can not receive a caller without the presence of the ubiquitous in- fant. He sits still, his great eyes fixed upon the face of the caller, and she feels ashamed for wishing that he would get out of the room. Occasionally he varies the monotony by saying, "Mother, don't you want to tell Mrs. Blank about what I said the other day when I was hurt and did not cry?" Or, "Mother, do you think Mrs. Blank would like me to recite my new poem to her?" This may be annoying, but it is still more pitiful. To talk so much to a child and of him in the presence of others that he is a poseur at the early age of five, is cruel to the little one himself. We frown on the old adage which declared "chil- 258 CHILDREN dren should be seen and not heard," but there are homes in which the guest wishes that they might be invisible as well as in- audible. One mother defers constantly to her fourteen-year-old son, and allows him to be present during all chats she has with her friends. She says, "You do not mind Will, I am sure. You may say what you like where he is, for he is the soul of dis- cretion, and I talk freely with him." But the visitor does not feel the same confi- dence in "Will," and certainly objects to expressing all her opinions with regard to people and things in his presence. Our own children are intensly inter- esting; the children of other people are not I Let us, once in a while, put ourselves in the place of another person, and think if we are willing to have that person's child always in the room when we would talk confidentially with her. I think if we 259 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE are frank we shall acknowledge that while we do not mind the presence of our own children, we do talk more freely when other people's children are not present. Said a man not long ago : "Mrs. Brown is a marvelous woman. She is one of the most devoted mothers I know. Her children are with her a great part of the time. Yet, whenever I call there, alone or with a friend, a signal from her empties the drawing-room or library of the entire flock of five infants, and she is just as much interested in what her callers have to say as if she had no youngsters cruising about in the offing." It is not to be supposed that children are never to be allowed to come into the drawing-room. They should be trained to enter the room, greet the guests politely and without embarrassment, answer frankly and straightforwardly, and to speak when spoken to. Then, they should 260 CHILDREN be silent unless drawn into the conversa- tion. The truest kindness is, after a few moments, to let the little one run away and play with his toys or in the outdoor air. The child who hangs his head shyly, and refuses to speak politely to any one who addresses him, should be punished as severely as for an impertinence. From the cradle a baby may be taught to "see people," and, as soon as he is old enough to return a greeting, he must be trained to do so. The only way to make small ladies and gentlemen of children is to teach, first of all, perfect obedience. This is, in this day, an unpopular doctrine, for there is prevalent a theory that the child must be allowed to exercise his individuality, in other words, to do as he pleases. Why the child should develop his individuality, and the parents curb theirs, may be matter for wonder to those not educated up to this 261 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE twentieth-century standard of ethics. If "days should speak and multitude of years should teach wisdom," the father and mother are better fitted to dictate to the child than the child to dictate to them. And yet, in the average home, the last- mentioned form of government prevails. Nothing is more unkind than to allow a child to do as he pleases, for, as surely as he lives, he must learn sooner or later to yield to authority and to exercise self- control. The earlier the training begins, the easier it will be. The child creeping about the room soon knows that the gen- tle, but firm "No!" when spoken by the mother means that he must not touch the bit of bric-a-brac within reach. And even this lesson will stand him in good stead later on. The basic principle of home govern- ment must be love enforced by firmness. A punishment should seldom be threat- 262 CHILDREN ened, but if promised, must be given. The time for threat and punishment is not in public. In the parlor, on the train, or boat, it is the height of ill-breeding to make a scene and to threaten a whipping, or a punishment of any kind. Were the child properly trained in private, parents and beholders would be spared the humili- ating spectacle that too often confronts them in visiting and traveling. One word here as to the child on train or boat. The person who is truly well-bred will not turn and frown on the mother of the tiny baby who, suffering with colic, or sore from traveling, is wailing aloud. Of course the sound is annoying, but it is harder on the poor, mortified mother than on any one else. I already hear the ques- tion, "Why doesn't she keep the infant at home then?" Frequently she can not do this. The child may be ill, and be on its way to seashore or mountains to gain 263 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE health; or the mother may be summoned to see some ill relative, and can not go un- less the baby goes, too. Whatever the cause of her going, the fact remains that she derives no pleasure from holding a screaming baby, and her discomfort is turned into positive anguish by the dis- gusted looks of the women, and the mut- tered imprecations of the men. I saw once under such circumstances a woman who was an honor to her sex. Op- posite her in the train sat a young mother, and in her arms was a fretful, wailing baby. It was evidently the first baby, and the poor girlish mother was white and weary. At every scream the baby gave she would start nervously, change the lit- tle one's position, look about at the pas- sengers with an expression of pathetic apology, all the time keeping up a crooning "Sh-h-h!" that produced no ef- fect on the crying atom of humanity. 264 CHILDREN And, as is often the case, the more nervous the mother became, the more nervous did the baby grow, and the louder did he scream. An exclamation of impatience came from a woman seated behind the suffering twain, and, at the same moment a man in front threw down his paper with a slam and rushed out of the car and into the smoker. Then the woman who was an honor to her sex came across from the seat opposite, and laid a gentle hand on the mother's shoulder, smiling reassurance in the tear-filled eyes lifted to hers. "My dear," said the soft voice, "you are worn out, and the baby knows it. Let me take him for a minute. No, don't protest ! I have had four of my own, and they are all too big for me to hold in my arms now. I just long to feel that baby against my shoulder! Give him to me! There, now! you poor tired little mother, put your head down on the back of the seat, and rest!" 265 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE She took the baby across the aisle, laid him over her shoulder with his head against her cheek, in the comforting way known to all baby-lovers, and in three minutes the cries had subsided and the baby was asleep in the strong motherly arms, where he lay until Jersey City was reached. And the tired little mother fell into a light slumber, too, comforted by the appreciation that she was not alone, nor an intolerable nuisance to all her fellow passengers. Was not such an act as this woman's the perfection of true courtesy, the courtesy that forgets itself in trying to make an- other comfortable? This same spirit spoken of by Saint Paul as "in honor preferring one another" can be inculcated in the children in our homes. The small of the human species are, like their elders, naturally selfish, and must be taught consideration for others. 266 CHILDREN It is the grafting that makes the rose what it is. You may graft a Jacqueminot or Marechal Xeil upon the stump of the wild rose. The grafting, the pruning, and the training, are the work of the care- ful gardener. The mother can never be idle, for, while the stock is there, she does the grafting. Obedience must be taught in small things as well as in great. The tiny child must be taught to remove his hat when he is spoken to, to give his hand readily in greeting, to say "please" and "thank you;" not to pass in front of people, or between them and the fire ; to say "excuse me!" when he treads on his mother's foot or dress ; to rise when she enters the room ; and to take off his hat when he kisses her. The mother who insists that her child do these things at home need not fear that he will forget her training when abroad. 267 XXIII OUR NEIGHBORS The fact that people live next door to you does not make them your neighbors in the higher and better sense of that word. There may be nothing in their per- sons or characters to commend them to you, or for that matter, to commend you to them. "Neighborhood" in literal inter- pretation signifies nearness of vicinity. You have the right to choose your asso- ciates and to elect your friends. Presuming on this truth, dwellers in cities are prone to vaunt their ignorance of, and indifference to, those who live in the same street, block and apartment- house with themselves. If newly come to what is a kingdom by comparison with their former estate, they make a point of 268 OUR NEIGHBORS seeking society elsewhere than among 1 res- idents of their neighborhood. "Let us be genteel or die!" says Dickens of Mrs. Fielding's struggles to eat dinner with gloves on. "Let us be exclusive or cease to live in the best set!" says Mrs. Upstart, and refuses to learn the names of her neighbors on the right and left. One of the hall-marks of the thorough- bred is his daily application of the maxim, "Live and let live." His social standing is so firm that a jostle, or even a push from a vulgarian who chances to pass his way, can not disturb him. When the mongrel cur bayed at the moon, "the moon kept on shining." If he be a gentleman in heart as well as in blood and name, he has a real interest in people who breathe the same air and tread the same street with himself interest as far removed from vulgar curiosity in other people's concerns as the gentle courtesy of his demeanor is re- 269 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE moved from the familiar bumptiousness of the forward and underbred. Entering ourselves as learners in his school and we could not study manners in a better we recognize our neighbors as such. If we live on the same block and meet habitually on the street, a civil bow in passing, a smile to a child, in chance encounters in market or shop, a word of salutation, be it only a "Good morning," or "It is a fine day!" or, after a few exchanges of this sort "I hope your family keeps well in this trying weather" are tokens of good-will and appreciation of the fact that we are dwell- ers in the same world, town and neighbor- hood. None of these minute courtesies which you owe to yourself and to your neigh- bor lays on you any obligation to call, or to invite her to call on you. Failure to comprehend this social by-law often 270 OUR NEIGHBORS causes heart-burnings and downright re- sentment. You may thus meet and greet a woman living near you every day for twenty years, and if some stronger bond than the accident of proximity do not draw you together, you may know noth- ing more of her than her name and ad- dress at the end of that time perhaps the address alone. Unless, indeed, casualty in the way of fire, personal injury or severe illness, make expedient and to the hu- mane such expediency is an obligation- further recognition of the tie of neighbor- hood. In either of the cases indicated, send to ask after the health of the sufferer, and if you can be of service. If there be a death in the house, a civil inquiry to the same effect and a card of sympathy will "commit" you to nothing. We are working now on the assump- tion that each of us has a sincere desire to brighten the pathway of others, to make 271 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE this hard business of daily living more tolerable. Of all the passive endurances of life, strangerhood is one of the hardest to the sensitive spirit. Your neighbor's heart is lighter because you show that you are aware of her existence and, in some sort, recognize her identity. She may not be your congener. Your bow and smile remind her that you are her fellow human being. Stranger ships meeting in mid- ocean do not wait to inspect credentials be- fore exchanging salutes. If your neighbor be an acquaintance whom you esteem, do not let her be in doubt on this point. In ante-bellum days at the South, neighborhood was a powerful bond of sympathy. Miles meant less to them in this respect than so many squares mean to us now. A system of wireless telegraphy connected plantations for an area of many miles. Joy or sorrow set the current 272 OUR NEIGHBORS in motion from one end to the other. What I have called elsewhere being "kitch- enly-kind," was comprehended in per- fection in that bygone time. When the house-mother sent a pot of preserves to her neighbor with her love and "she would like to know how you all are to-day," it was the outward and substantial sign of the inward grace of loving kindness, and not an intimation that the recipient's pre- serve-closet was not so well-stocked as the giver's. When opening hamper and un- folding napkin showed a quarter of lamb, or a steak, or a roll of home-made "sau- sage meat," enough neighborly love gar- nished the gift to make it beautiful. Out-of -fashion now-a-days? *' 'Tis true : 'tis true 'tis pity, And pity 'tis 'tis true." Enough of the old-time spirit lives among our really "best people" to justify the "kitchenly-kind" in proffering gifts 273 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE that presuppose personal liking and ac- tive desire to please a neighbor. A cake compounded by yourself; a plate of home-made rolls taken from your own table; a dainty fancy dish of sweets of home-manufacture, express more of the "real thing" than a box of confectionery or a basket of flowers "put up" by a flor- ist. It is the personal touch that glorifies the gift, the consciousness that your neighbor thinks enough of you to give of her time and service for your pleasure. The home-made offering partakes of her individuality, and appeals to yours. Neighborliness does not, of necessity, imply familiarity of manner and speech that may become offensive, or a continu- ous performance of visits, calls and "droppings-in" that must inevitably be- come a bore, however congenial may be the association. Those friendships last longest where certain decorous forms are 274 always observed, no matter how close the mutual affection may be. Mrs. Stowe, in one of her New England stories, describes the intercourse between two families as "a sort of undress intimacy." Reading further, we find that this dishabille com- panionship involves visits by way of the back door and at all sorts of unconven- tional hours. Such abandonment of the reserves that etiquette enjoins on every household is a dangerous experiment. The back porch is for family use. Your next-door neigh- bor may not meddle therewith. Person- ally, I do not want my own son, or my married daughters, to enter my house through the kitchen. If you, dear reader, would retain your footing in the house of the friend best-loved by you, come in by the front door, and never without an- nouncing your presence as any other vis- itor would. Steady persistence in this rule 275 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE will avoid the chances of divers unpleas- ant possibilities. Your hostess or her hus- band or grown son may be as much in dishabille as the intimacy which, in your opinion, warrants you in running in and up, without knock or ring. You may hap- pen on a love-scene, or a family quar- rel, or a girl may be in the hands of the treasure of a hair-dresser who shampoos her twice a month with pure water that looks like peroxide of hydrogen, and "re- stores" the subject's dark brown tresses to the guileless flaxen of her forgotten baby- hood; or your clattering heels upon the stairway may break the touchy old grand- mother's best afternoon nap. There is but one place on earth where it is safe to make yourself "perfectly at home," and that is your own house or apartment or chamber. 276 XXIV ETIQUETTE OF CHURCH AND PARISH Theoretically, the church is a pure de- mocracy, a mighty family. There, if any- where, the rich and the poor meet together on terms of absolute equality. In that least poetical of pious jingles, "Blest be the tie that binds," we declare that "The fellowship of kindred minds Is like to that above." These and other Pietistic platitudes, whether tame or tuneful, are technical, and so nearly meaningless as not to pro- voke debate. Every reasonable man and woman knows and does not affect to con- ceal his or her consciousness of the truth that social distinctions are not effaced by the enrolment of rich and poor, educated 277 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE and illiterate, refined and boorish, in im- partial order upon the "church books." True religion does refine feeling and en- gender benevolence and charitable judg- ment of our fellows. In doing this, it cre- ates a common ground of sympathy, as of belief. It elevates the moral and spiritual nature. Of itself, it does not enrich the in- tellect, or polish manners. One may have a clean heart and dirty flesh-and-blood hands ; may be a sincere and earnest Chris- tian, yet double his negatives, shove his food into his mouth with his knife, prefer the corner of a table-cloth to a napkin, and be an alien in the matter of finger-bowls. It is possible that two women may work together harmoniously in church and parish associations, each esteeming the other's excellent qualities of heart and enjoying the fellowship of her "kindred mind," and yet that both should be in- tensely uncomfortable if forced into re- 278 CHURCH AND PARISH ciprocal social relations that have nothing to do with church or charity. These are plain facts no reasonable per- son will dispute. In view of them the fact, equally patent, that the Newlyrich clan invariably resort to church connection as a lever to raise them to a higher social plane, is one of the anomalies of human inter- course that may well stir the satirist to bitter ridicule and move compassionate be- holders to wonder. "When they begin to feel their oats they go off to you!" laughed the keen- witted, sweet-natured pastor of a down- town church to a brother clergyman whose flock worshiped in a finer building and a fashionable neighborhood. "The sheep with the golden fleece always finds a breach in our church-wall." It takes him, his ewe and his lambs, a long time to learn that pew-proximity does not bring about social sympathy. It 279 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE is not a week since I saw a girl, a thor- oughbred from crown to toe, flush in sur- prise and draw herself up in unconscious hauteur, when a flashily-dressed young person greeted her across the vestibule of a concert-room with "Hello, Nellie! didn't we have a bully time last night?" They had attended a Sunday-school an- niversary, and as their classes were side by side, had exchanged remarks in the inter- vals of recitations, songs and addresses. The parvenu's clothes were more costly than "Nellie's;" her father was richer; they were members of the same church! To her vulgar mind these circumstances gave her the right to take a liberty with a slight acquaintance such as no well-bred person would have dreamed of assuming. First, then, I place among the maxims of Church and Parish Etiquette: Do not imagine that your next pew-neighbor must be your acquaintance. If she be a 280 CHURCH AND PARISH new-comer and a stranger in the congre- gation, bow to her in meeting in lobby or in aisle, gravely and yet cordially, recog- nizing her as a fellow -worshiper in a tem- ple where all are welcome and equal. If you can be of service to her in finding the place of hymn or psalm, should she be at a loss, perform the neighborly service tactfully and graciously, always be- cause you are in the House of the All- Father, and are His children, not that you seek to court a mortal's favor for any ulterior purpose. In meeting her on the street let your salutation be ready, and pleasant, but not familiar. Don't "Hello, Nellie!" her, then or ever, while bearing in mind that non- recognition of one you know to be a regu- lar attendant at the same church with yourself, yet a comparative stranger there, is unkind and un-Christian. The case is different if you are the 281 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE stranger. Friendly advances should come from the other side. If they are not made, there is nothing for you to do but to con- tent yourself with the recollection that you go to church to worship God, not to make acquaintances. Never depend on your church-connection for society. If you find congenial associates there, rejoice in the happy circumstance and make the most of it. If you do not, do not rail at the congregation as "stiff and stuck up," at the church as a hollow sham, and the pastor as an unfaithful shepherd. The expectation on the part of some people that he should neglect the weightier mat- ters of the law and the gospel, and prosti- tute his holy office by becoming a social pudding-stick for incorporating into "a jolly crowd" the divers elements of those to whom he is called to minister, disgraces humanity and civilization not to say Christianity. 282 CHURCH AND PARISH Pew-hospitality has fallen into disuse to a great extent of late years, principally on account of the usher-service. The tendency of this partial desuetude is to make pew-owners utterly careless of their obligation to entertain strangers. Re- gard for the best interests of your partic- ular church-organization should suggest to you as a duty that you notify the usher in your aisle of your willingness to receive strangers into your pews whenever the one or two vacant seats there may be needed. If your family fills them all every Sunday, you can not exercise the grace of hospitality. When one or two, or three, are to be ab- sent from either service, however, take the trouble to apprise the oft-sorely-per- plexed official of the fact, and give him leave to bring to your door any one he has to seat. When the stranger appears, let him see at once that you esteem his coming 283 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE a pleasure. Give him a good seat, a book and a welcome generally. By this behavior you commend to his favor your church, human nature, and the cause dearest to your heart. If you are the visiting worshiper, and it is evident that the other occupants of the pew are the owners thereof, make courteous and grateful acknowledgment at the close of the service, of the hospital- ity you have received. I hope the return you get will not be the cold, supercilious stare one true gentlewoman had from the holder of a pew in the middle aisle of a fashionable church in New York. The guest put into Mrs. Haut Ton's pew, thanked the latter simply and gracefully for the opportunity given her of hearing an admirable sermon. "Who are you that dare address me!" said the silent stare. "It is bad enough to have my pew invaded by an unvouched- 284 CHURCH AND PARISH for stranger without being subjected to the impertinence of speech !" The last place upon God's earth where incivility and the arrogance of self-con- ceit are admissible is His house. "Be piti- ful," writes the apostle who learned his code of manners from One who has been not irreverently called "the truest gentle- man who ever lived." "Be pitiful; be courteous !" The relations of parishioner and the pastor's family are often strained hard by the popular misconception of the social obligations existing or that should ex- ist between them. In no "call" that I ever heard of is the clergyman enjoined to cater to the whims and vanities of ex- acting members by visits that are not de- manded by spiritual or temporal needs, and which minister to nothing but the aforesaid jealous vanity. Send for a clergyman when his priestly offices are re- 285 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE quired. For the rest of his precious time let him come as he likes, and go whither he considers his duty calls him. He was a man before he took orders, and the man has social rights. Let him "neighbor," as old-fashioned folk used to say, with his kind. The aforesaid "call" makes no mention of his family. If you like to call on them when they come to the parish, and if you find them congenial your conge- ners in fact keep up the association as you would with your doctor's, or your lawyer's family. That you belong to Doctor Barnabas' parish, that you are the wife or daughter of an officer in his church, gives you absolutely no claim on his wife or daughters beyond what you, individually, possess. To demand that Mrs. Barnabas, refined in every instinct, highly-educated and with tastes for what is best and highest in social companion- 286 CHURCH AND PARISH ship, should be bullied and patronized by .Mrs. Million, a purse-proud vulgarian, unlearned and stupid, is sheer barbarity. Yet we see it and worse in every American church. Do you, sensible and amenable reader, lead the way to better things; loosen at least one buckle of the harness that bows many a fine spirit to breaking, and makes "the Church" a smoke in the nostrils of unprejudiced outsiders. Separate ecclesi- astical from social relations. Owe your right to call a fellow parishioner "friend," and to visit at manse or parsonage, or rectory, to what you are not to the ad- ventitious circumstance of being a mem- ber in good standing in a fashionable, or an unfashionable, church. Exact no con- sideration from those who belong with you to the household of faith on the ground of that spiritual "fellowship." The position is false ; the claim ignoble. 287 XXV COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD The pessimist, reading the heading of this chapter, would be inclined to ask if one writes nowadays of a lost quantity. While we do not consider the grace of courtesy as entirely lost, we are at times tempted to think that it has "gone before," and so far before that it is lost sight of by the rising generation. The days have passed when the hoary head was a crown of glory, as the royal preacher declares. It is certain that if it is a crown, it is one before which the youth of the twentieth century do not bow. Before we condemn the young unspar- ingly for their lack of reverence, we must look at the other side of the question. To- day there are few old people. First, there 288 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG is youth. That lasts almost until one is a grandparent; then one is middle-aged. No one is old, at least few will acknow- ledge it. The woman of forty-five is on "the shady side of thirty," she of sixty- five, is "on the down-slope from fifty." And, even when the age is announced, one is reminded that "a woman is only as old as she feels." There is sound common sense in all this. Can not we afford to snap our fingers at Father Time and his laws, when the law within ourselves tells us that we are young in heart, in feeling, in aims? So the principle that bids us shut our eyes at the figure on the mile- stone we are passing is a good one. As long as we feel fresh still for the journey, as long as every step is a pleasure, what difference if the walk has been five miles long or fifteen? We judge of the strain by the effect it has had on us. If we feel unwearied and ready for miles and 289 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE miles ahead of us, who shall say that the walk has been ten miles long, when we are conscious in our energetic limbs that it has only been two delightful miles? The fact that no one is now old has its effect on the Young Person in our midst. She hesitates to say to the matron, "Take this seat, please!" when she knows that in her soul the matron will resent the insinuation that she is on the downward grade. Not long ago I witnessed the chagrin of a woman of thirty-five who rose and gave her seat in a stage to a woman who was, if one may judge by the false standard of appearances, at least fifteen years her senior. The elderly woman flushed indignantly: "Pray keep your seat, madam!" she commanded in stentorian tones. "I may be gray-headed, but I am not old or de- crepit!" She of thirty-five had cast her pearls of 290 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG courtesy before swine, and assuredly they had been trampled underfoot. I fancy that one reason gray hair is becoming fashionable is this desire to cling to youth. Every year more young women tell us that they are prematurely gray, and their sister-women add eagerly, "So many women are, nowadays!" Our Young Person must, then, be very careful how she displays the feeling of reverence for age which, we would like to believe, is inherent in every well-regulated nature. She must exercise tact, without which no person shall have popularity. One point in which Young America displays lamentable vulgarity is in the habit of interrupting older people. In- terruptions, we of a former generation were taught, are rude. That is a forgot- ten fact in many so-called polite circles. And when people do not interrupt they seem to be waiting for the person speak- 291 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ing to finish what he has to say in order to "cut in" (no other expression describes it fitly) with some new and original remark. That is, apparently, the only reason that one listens to others, just for the sake of having some one to answer. The world is full of things, and getting fuller every day, and unless one talks most of the time he will never be able to air his opinions on all points. And every one's opinion is of priceless value, at least to himself. This seems to be the attitude of Young Amer- ica. Yet in courtesy to the hoary head one should occasionally pause long enough to allow the owner thereof to express an opinion. Although one has passed fifty, one may, nevertheless, have sound judg- ment, and ideas on some subjects that are worth consideration. I wish young men and women would occasionally remember this. The woman of sixty, or over, can really 292 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG learn little of value from her grand- daughter, even when that granddaugh- ter is a college graduate, and has all the arrogance of twenty years. Of course, grandmother may need enlightenment on college athletics, on golf, even, per- haps, on bridge, although that is very doubtful, if she lives in a fashionable neighborhood. But, after all, these are not the greatest things of life. She would, perchance, be glad to listen to her young relative's accounts of her sports if she would take the trouble to tell the hap- penings that interest her, in a loving, re- spectful spirit. Our elderly woman does not like to be patronized, to be told that she dresses like an old fashion-plate, and that she is, to use the slang of the day, a "back number." The grandmother knows better. She has lived and she is sure that from her store of knowledge of life, of men, women and things as they really 293 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE are, she could bring forth treasures, new and old, that would be of great help to the hot-headed, impulsive young girl about to risk all on the perilous journey that lies before her. I would, therefore, suggest that Our Girl practise deference toward her elders. At first she may not find it easy, but it is worth cultivating. It is, moreover, much more becoming than the arrogance and aggressiveness too common nowadays. There is something wrong when a person feels no respect for one who has attained to double or treble her years. There is something lacking. The collegians of both sexes would do well to turn their analytical minds on themselves, and, as improvement is the order of the day, add to their fund of becoming attain- ments the sweet, old-fashioned attribute of courtesy and reverence toward age. It is easy, after all, if one will watch 294 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG carefully, to do the little kind thing that makes for comfort, and not do it aggres- sively. It is not necessary to adjust a pil- low at the elderly person's back as if she needed it. I saw a sweet woman put a pillow behind an invalid with such tact that the sufferer, who was acutely sensi- tive on the subject of her condition, did not suspect that her hostess had her ill- ness in mind. "My dear," said this tactful woman, "if you are 'built' as I am, you must find that chair desperately uncomfortable without a cushion behind you! I simply will not sit in it without this little bit of a pillow wedged in at the small of my back. I find it so much more comfortable so, that I am sure you will." And the cushion was adjusted. Could even supersensitive and suspicious Old Age have resented such attention? Of course elderly people like to talk. 295 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Why should they not be allowed to do it? iThe boy or girl listener is impatient of what he or she terms inwardly "garrulous- ness." Is not the prattle of youth as try- ing to old people? But, to do them justice, unless they are very crabbed, they listen to it kindly. Unfortunately one seldom sees a young person rise and remain standing when an old person enters the room. Yet to loll back in a chair under such circumstances is one of the greatest rudenesses of which a girl or boy is capable. Right here, may I put in a plea for the old man? In the first place, he is not as popular as the old woman. She is often be- loved ; he, poor soul ! is too often endured. In very truth he is not so lovable as his lady-wife. He did not take the time while he was young to cultivate the little nice- ties of life as she did. Women have more regard for appearances than men have, 296 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG and their life is not spent so often in count- ing-room and office ; they are, in their daily life, surrounded by refined persons more than are their husbands ; they do not have to talk by the hour with rough men, give orders to surly underlings, eat at lunch counters, and join in the morning and evening rush-for-life to get a seat in the crowded car or train where the law is "Sauve qui pent!" or, in brutal English "Every man for himself and" no matter who "for the hindmost!" All these things, after years and years, influence the man or woman. It is inevitable. It even affects the inner life. The Book of books tells us that though the outward man per- ish, the inward man is renewed day by day. Sometimes the inward man is hardly worth renewing at the end of a life of sucli rush and mad haste after the elusive dollar that there has been no place for the gentle amenities of existence. Therefore, as the 297 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE man gets old, his nature comes to the front, and, too often, the courtesies that were pinned on him by a loving wife, and kept polished up by her, drop off and he does not want to bother to have them re- adjusted. Consequently, he often has hab- its that are not pretty. He is irascible ; he is intolerant with youth, and, now that he is laid aside, he likes to tell of what he did when he was as active as the young men about him. Dear young people, let him talk! Listen to him, and remember that at your age he was just as agreeable as you. Consider, too, that if, when you are old, you would escape being the self-absorbed being you think him, you would do well now to begin to avoid the selfishness and self-absorption that you find make the old man objectionable. Practise on him, and he will in his old age still be doing a good work. It is not pleasant to feel old, to know 298 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG that you are set aside in the minds of others as "a has-been." There are few more cruel lessons given to human beings to learn in this hard school we call life. And this task has to be learned when strength and courage wane, and the grass- hopper is a burden. If young people would only make it unnecessary for the older person to acquire it! It lies with youth to make the declining years of those near the end of the journey a weary wait- ing for that end, or a peaceful loitering on a road that shall be a foretaste of a Land in which no one ever grows old. 299 XXVI MISTRESS AND MAID They were not foreordained from all eternity to be sworn enemies. Could that fact be impressed on the mind of each, there would be less friction between them. Where, in this day and in this country, is found the family servant who follows the fortunes of her employers through ad- versity and evil report, asking only to be allowed to live among those who have shown her kindness, who have taught her all she knows, and who have been kinder to her than her own family have been? She may exist in the imagination of the optimistic novelist, but not in reality. Once in a great while such a servant, well- advanced in life, is found, but she is a rara avis. 300 MISTRESS AND MAID It is trite to say that in this country the servant matter is all askew. We know that, and it is incumbent on us to make the best of matters as we find them. To do this both mistress and maid should be impressed with the fact expressed in the opening sentence of this chapter. As mat- ters now are, the maid sees in the mistress a possible tyrant, one who will exact the pound of flesh, and, if the owner thereof be not on her guard, will insist on a few extra ounces thrown in for good measure. The mistress sees in the suspicious girl a person who will, if the chance be offered her, turn against her employer, will do the smallest amount of work possible for the highest wages she can demand; break china, smash glass, shut her eyes to dirt in the corners, and accept the first oppor- tunity that offers itself to leave her pres- ent place and get one that demands fewer duties and larger pay. 301 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE One of the great mistakes of the mis- tress is that she lets the state of affairs annoy her. Why should she? The maid is not "her own kind," and the woman is wrong who judges the unedu- cated, ill-reared hireling by the rules that govern the better classes. The ser- vant and the employer have been reared in different worlds, and to ignore this fact is folly. How often do we see the mistress "hurt" because of Norah's lack of consideration for her and her time, and vexed because the servant fails to ap- preciate any kindness shown her? Let her accept the condition of affairs as what the slangy boy would call "part of the game," and not waste God-given nerve and en- ergy in worrying over it. If she gets reasonably good return in work for the wages she pays, she should be content. To expect gratitude of the working-class is, too often, but hunting for the proverbial 302 MISTRESS AND MAID needle in the stack of hay. Blessed is she who does not seek it, for she will never be % disappointed. Nor should the mistress expect a friend and counselor in the maid. Once in a while, one meets a servant who, by some accident, is capable of discerning the re- finement of nature in her employer, and of respecting it. In this case, she may care more for the employer for knowing that she is trusted. The mistress who, ac- knowledging this, makes a confidante of her maid, is running a great risk. It is an unnatural state of affairs, and unnatural relations are never likely to be successful or happy. Yes! there is no doubt about it, the system of domestic service is all wrong, and it grows worse. Except in a few ex- ceptional cases, the distrust of the house- wife for the maid-of-all-work, the suspi- cious attitude of said maid toward her SOS EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE nominal mistress, increase with each pass- ing year. The evil is so great that the only remedy lies in each household doing by itself the best that lies within its power to change the current. Were each housewife in the country to strive to better matters, the change would soon be apparent. It is a fact that, by appealing to the best in human nature be that nature American, Irish, German or Scandina- vian we elicit the best from our fellow creatures. Let the mistress, then, try to believe in the good intentions of her ser- vant, or, if she can not really believe in them, let her intend to do so. Her at- titude of mind will, unconsciously to her- self, make itself felt upon her hireling. Let her take it for granted that the "new girl" means to stay, is honest, trustworthy, and anxious to please, and let her talk to her as if all these things were foregone 304 MISTRESS AND MAID conclusions. She may show by gentle man- ner and kindly consideration that Xorah or Gretchen is a sister-woman, not a ma- chine. If the washing or ironing happens to be heavy, let her suggest a simple des- sert of fruit, instead of the pudding that had been planned. And if the maid's heavy eyes and forced smile show that she is not well, let the mistress, for a brief moment, put herself in the place of the hireling, and think what she would want done for her under similar circumstances. She will then suggest that some of the work that can be deferred be laid aside un- til the following day, or offer to give a hand in making the beds or dusting the rooms. "But," declares the systematic house- wife, "I do not hire a servant, and then do my own housework 1" No! Neither did you hire your maid-of- all-work to be a sick nurse, but were you 305 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ill it would be she who would cook your meals, carry up your tray and take care of you, unless you were so ill as to need the services of a trained attendant. Bear this in mind, and show the maid that you do bear it in mind. It is a more difficult matter to get the servant to look at the subject from this standpoint. She has not been educated to regard things from both sides. It is the custom of her cult to meet and, in conclave assembled, to compare the faults, foibles and failings of their employers. And when they do commend an employer for kind treatment it is, as a rule, only to make the lot of another servant look darker by contrast with the bright one de- picted. "Oh, me dear!" exclaims Bridget on entering Norah's kitchen at eight-thirty in the evening and finding her still wash- ing dishes. "And is this the hour that a 306 MISTRESS AND MAID poor, hard-working girl is kept up to wash the dinner-things? There are no such doin's in my kitchen, I tell ye! My lady knows that I ain't made of iron, and she knows, too, that I would not put up with such an imposition!" The fact that Norah's mistress has helped her all day with the work, that she is herself the victim of unexpected com- pany; that she regrets as much as Norah can that the unavoidable detention at the office of the master of the house has made dinner later than usual, does not deter the suddenly-enlightened girl from feel- ing herself a martyr, and the seed of hate and distrust is quick to bear fruit in an of- fensive manner and a sulky style of speech. She does not pause to take into con- sideration that, while she may just now be doing extra work, she also receives daily extra kindnesses and consideration that 307 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE were not agreed upon in the contract of her hire. There are just two rules that make the relations of mistress and maid tolerable or pleasant. One is that everything be put on a purely business basis an arrangement, we may remark, that the maid would be the first to resent. If she is willing to give only what she is paid for, she must be willing that no margin be allowed to her, and that she be expected to live up to her part of the contract, fulfilling every duty as well as any servant possibly could, ex- pecting no allowances or indulgences, and receiving just the "times off" for which she bargains. Only that, and no more! She would soon weary of the bargain. The other rule, and the better, is that a little practical Christianity be brought into the relationship, that the maid do her best, cheerfully and will- ingly, and that the mistress treat her in 308 MISTRESS AND MAID the same spirit, giving her little pleasures when it is within her power to do so, trying to smooth the rough places, and to make crooked things straight. Then, let each respect the other and make the best of the situation. If it is intolerable, it may be changed. If not intolerable, let each re- member that there is no law, human or divine, that demands that the contract stand for ever and let each dissolve the partnership when she wishes to do so. Until this is done, mistress and maid should keep silence as to the faults of the other, trying to see rather the virtues than the failings of a sister-woman. I wish that some word of mine with re- gard to this matter could sink into the mind of the mistress. I fear that it will never be possible to train the maid not to talk of her mistress to her friends. But the employer should be above discussing her servants with outsiders. This is one 309 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE of the most glaring faults of conversa- tion, one of the most flagrant breaches of conversational etiquette among women of refinement. The hackneyed warning that the three D's to be banished from po- lite conversation are Dress, Disease and Domestics, has not been heeded by the av- erage housewife, so far as the last D is concerned. She will fill willing and un- willing ears with the account of her ser- vants' impertinences, of their faults, of how they are leaving without giving warning, and of how ungrateful all ser- vants are, until one would think that her own soul was not above that of the laun- dress, chambermaid and cook, whose fail- ings she dissects in public. Such talk re- minds one of the conversation with which Bridget regales an admiring and indig- nant coterie. With the uneducated hire- ling, it may be pardonable ; in the case of the educated employer it is inexcusable. 310 XXVII A FINANCIAL STUDY FOR OUR YOUNG MAR- RIED COUPLE Thirty years ago I held a heart-to-heart talk with reasonable, well-meaning hus- bands on the vital subject of the mone- tary relations between man and wife. I quote a paragraph the force of which has been confirmed to my mind by the ad- ditional experience and observation of three more decades than were set to my credit upon the age-roll when I penned the words: "I have studied this matter long and seriously, and I offer you as the result of my observation in various walks of life, and careful calculation of labor and ex- pense, the bold assertion that every wife who performs her part, even tolerably 311 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE well, in whatsoever rank of society, more than earns her living, and that this should be an acknowledged fact with both parties to the marriage contract. The idea of her dependence upon her husband is essen- tially false and mischievous, and should be done away with, at once and for ever. It has crushed self-respect out of thou- sands of women; it has scourged thou- sands from the marriage-altar to the tomb, with a whip of scorpions; it has driven many to desperation and crime." I have headed this chapter "A Finan- cial Study for Our Young Married Couple" because I have little hope of changing the opinions and custom of the mature benedict. One youthful wed- ded pair should come to a rational mutual understanding in the first week of house- keeping as to an equitable division of the income on which they are to live together. If you our generic "John" shrink 312 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE from coming down to "cold business" be- fore the echoes of the wedding-bells have died in ear and in heart, call the discussion a "Matter of Marriage Etiquette," and approach it confidently. And do you, Mrs. John, meet his overtures in a straightfor- ward, sensible way, with no foolish shrink- ing from the idea of even apparent inde- pendence of him to whom you have in- trusted your person and your happiness. It is, of course, your part to harken quietly to whatever proposition your more businesslike spouse may make as to the just partition, not of his means, which are likewise yours, but of the sums you are respectively to handle and to spend. Do not accept what he apportions for your use as a benefaction. He has endowed you with all his worldly goods, and the law confirms the endowment to a certain ex- tent. You are a co-proprietor not a pen- sioner. If, while the glamour of Love's 313 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE Young Dream envelops and dazes you, you are chilled by what seems sordid and commonplace, take the word of an old campaigner for it that the time will come when your "allowance" will be a factor in happiness as well as in comfort. May I quote to John another and a longer extract from the thirty-year-old "Talk concerning Allowances?" "Set aside from your income what you adjudge to be a reasonable and liberal sum for the maintenance of your house- hold in the style suitable for people of your means and position. Determine what purchases you will yourself make, and what shall be intrusted to your wife, and put the money needed for her proportion into her care as frankly as you take charge of your share. Try the experiment of talking to her as if she were a business partner. Let her understand what you can afford to do, and what you can not. If 314 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE in this explanation you can say 'we' and 'ours,' you will gain a decided moral ad- vantage, although it may be at the cost of masculine prejudice and pride of power. Impress upon her mind that a certain sum, made over to her apart from the rest, is hers absolutely, not a present from you, but her honest earnings, and that you would not be honest were you to withhold it. And do not ask her 'if that will do?' any more than you would ad- dress the question to any other woman. With what cordial detestation wives re- gard that brief query which drops, like a sentence of the Creed, from husbandly lips, I leave your spouse to tell you. Also, if she ever heard of a woman who an- swered anything but 'Yes!' ' Carrying out the idea of co-partner- ship, should your wife exceed her allow- ance, running herself, and consequently you, into debt, meet the exigency as you 315 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE would a similar indiscretion on the part of a young and inexperienced member of your firm. Treat the extravagance as a mistake, not a fault. Not one girl-wife in one hundred who has not been a wage- earner has had any experience in the management of finances. The father gives the daughter money when she (or her mother) tells him that she needs it, or would like to have it. When it is gone he is applied to for more. She has been a beneficiary all her life, usually an ir- responsible, thoughtless recipient of what is lavished or doled out to her, according to the parental whim and means. Teach her business methods, tactfully, yet decidedly. One young wife I wot of began keep- ing the expense-book presented to her by her husband with these entries : "January fourth. Received $75.00 ( Seventy-five dollars) . 316 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE "January sixth. Spent $70.25 shop- ping, etc. "Balance $4.75 set down to Profit and Loss." After fifteen years of married life her husband died, bequeathing the whole of a large estate to her, and making her sole guardian of their three children, a con- fidence fully justified by her conduct of the affairs thus committed to her. "My husband trained me patiently and thoroughly," she said to one who compli- mented her financial sagacity. "I was an ignoramus when we were married." Then laughingly she related the "profit and loss" incident. It is the fashion to sneer at women's business methods. Who are to blame for their blunders? Should your wife play with her allow- ance, as a child with a new toy, let cen- sure fall upon those who have kept her 317 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE in leading-strings. Teach her gradually to comprehend her responsibilities. The sense of them will steady her un- less she be exceptionally feather-brained. Be she wasteful or frugal, the allowance you have made to her is as honestly hers to have, to hold or to spend, as the third of your estate which the law will give her in the event of your death. "Settlements," according to the Eng- lish sense of the word, are not yet com- mon in the United States. One Amer- ican father, whose daughter was on the eve of marriage with an Englishman, or- dered the prospective groom out of the house when the foreigner queried inno- cently as to the "settlements" the future father-in-law intended to make upon his child. A man with a reputation for fortune- hunting had nearly rid himself of the slur by insisting that his fiancee's large estate 318 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE should be settled absolutely upon herself. Her quondam guardian put a different complexion on the generous act by di- vulging the circumstance that the hus- band, by the same "settlement," had made himself sole trustee of his wife's property of every description. While there are, perhaps, fewer purely mercenary marriages in our country than in any other, it can not be denied that a large proportion of enterprising young men act, consciously, or unwit- tingly, on the advice of the Scotchman who warned his son not to marry for money, but in seeking a wife, "to gae where money is." "Is he marrying her fortune, or her- self?" asked one gossip of another when an approaching bridal was spoken of. "They say he is very much in love with her!" was the answer, uttered dubiously. "I fancy, however, that he would have re- 319 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE pressed his passion, if she were a poor girl." Which brings us to a much more deli- cate matter than the division of the in- come earned, or inherited, by the bride- groom. It is a fact that may have much sig- nificance or none that the bride makes no mention of endowing her husband with all, or any portion, of her worldly goods. It is likewise significant that laws (of man's devising) take it for granted that her property goes with her, so that in most of our states it is his without other act of gift than the marriage ceremony. The man who marries for money has no scruples as to the acceptance and the use of it. Sometimes it is squandered; sometimes, but not often, it is hoarded; most frequently "it goes into the hus- band's business" and is invested by him for the benefit of himself and his family. 320 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE The nicer issue with which we have to do is how our conscientious John, who would have married his best girl if she had not possessed one penny in her own right, is to comport himself with regard to the fortune, modest or considerable, which she brings to him as dowry. Briefly and clearly as a trust not to be committed to the chances and changes of his individual ventures. No investment should be made of his wife's money with- out her knowledge and full consent. In all that he does where her funds are in- volved, he should be her actuary, and what profits result from "operations" with her funds should be settled on herself and children. By this course alone can he re- tain his self-respect, his reputation as an honorable man, and certainly disabuse his wife's mind of any possible suspicion that his affection was not wholly for her. SS21 XXVIII MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES The arrangement between husband and wife concerning money matters should be no more definite and business-like than that subsisting between father and chil- dren. To be taught early the real value of money is a distinct assistance to finan- cial integrity in later life. To have in one's possession, even as a child, a sum wholly one's own, conduces to a feeling of self-respect and independence. As soon as a child is old enough to know what money is and that, for money, things are bought and sold, he should have an al- lowance, be it only a penny a week. Sug- gestions, but not commands, as to its ex- penditure should accompany the gift. Gradually the weekly or monthly amount 322 MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES should be increased, and instructions should be given as to its possible use. A child may be advised properly to di- vide his small funds between pleasure and charity, or between the things bought solely for his own benefit and those for the benefit of others, the value of the expendi- ture, in each case, being dependent on the freedom of his choice. As he grows older he should be taught to expend money for necessities. He should be trained to buy his own clothes and other personal be- longings. This sort of training, often disastrously neglected, is of far more practical value than many things taught in the schools. The feeling of responsi- bility engendered in children or young people by trusting them with a definite amount of money for certain general pur- poses, can scarcely fail of a happy result. It binds them to a performance of duty while it confers, at the same time, a de- 823 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE licious sense of freedom. An allowance for necessities gives its recipient liberty of choice in expenditure, but the choice must be judicious or the recipient suffers. This it does not take him long to find out. Many a man who refuses his sons and daughters allowances, permits them to run up large bills at the various shops where they trade. Exactly what the amount of these bills will be he never knows, except that it is sure to be larger than he wishes. The children of such a man never have any ready money. They do not know what to count on and, in consequence, not being trusted, they exercise all their ingenuity to outwit the head of the fam- ily and to trick from him exactly as much money as possible. A young woman with somewhat extravagant tendencies, who belonged to the class of the unallowanced, begged her father for a new gown. She pleaded and pleaded in vain. Finally, he 324 MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES said if she had anything that could be made over, he would stand for the bill. This word to the wise was sufficient. She took the waist-band of an old gown to her modiste who built upon it a beautiful frock for which she likewise sent in a beautiful bill. Fortunately this daughter had a father who was a connoisseur in wit, and who could appreciate a joke even at his own expense. But the example will serve, as well as another, to illustrate the lengths to which a woman may resort when not treated as a reasonable and rea- soning creature about money matters. "I would rather have one-half the amount of money of which I might other- wise have the use, and have it in the form of an allowance," said a young woman who was discussing, with other young women, the subject of expenditures. "If I know what I am to have, I can spend it to much better advantage. I can exercise 9*1 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE some method in my purchases. If I don't know, I am likely to spend a large sum on some two or three articles with the hope that more is coming. Suddenly and unexpectedly father sets his foot down on further bills, and there I am with a dream of a hat but no shoes, or with a ball-gown and not a coat to my back." Money plays some part in the life of every human being belonging to a civil- ized nation. The question of successful and skilful expenditure is a vital ques- tion for the majority of people. It is not a question that can be solved without training. Yet we educate children in various unimportant matters, and, for the most part, leave this of money untouched. In no way can a child or a young person be taught so readily and so quickly the proper use of money as by limiting his expenses to a certain sum, which sum he nevertheless controls. 326 XXIX A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE BIG THINGS Seeing the prevalence of rudeness in human intercourse, one is forced to be- lieve that the natural man is a cross- grained brute. That breeding and cul- ture often convert him into a creature of gentleness and refinement speaks volumes for the powers of such influence. The average man seems to take a savage de- light in occasionally giving vent to brutal or cutting speech. To yield thus to a primal and savage instinct is to prove that breeding and refinement are lacking. There are certain business men who, during business hours, meet one with a brusk manner that would not be par- doned in a petty tradesman. If we visit them on their own business, not as in- 827 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE truders, it is the same. They seem to feel that a certain disagreeable humor is an indispensable accompaniment to the occasion. Such insolence is usually taken as a matter of course by the recipient, who immediately feels penitent at the thought of his intrusion. Too often the physician who is not a gentleman-at-heart, trades on the fact that his patients regard him as a necessity, and is as disagreeable as his temper at the moment demands that he shall be. He intimates that he is so busy that he has scarcely time to give his advice; that the person he attends had no business to get ill, and, in fact, makes himself generally so disagreeable it is to be wondered at that the sufferer ever calls in this man again. Yet in a drawing-room, and talk- ing to a well person, this man's manner would be charming. One sometimes feels that sick people and physicians might well 328 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS be classed as "patients" and "impatients." It is but fair to remark that, to the credit of physicians, it is not always those who have had the largest experience, or who stand at the head of their profes- sion who deserve to come under the above condemnation. The men to whom the world looks for advice in the matters of which they have made a study, and who are sure of their standing, are often the gentlest, the most courteous. Our busy men have need to remember that the man who is gentle at heart shows that gentleness in counting-room and of- fice as well as in drawing-room and din- ing-room, and the fact that the person calling on him for business purposes or advice is a woman, should compel him to show the politeness which "is to do and say The kindest thing in the kindest way." 329 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE On the other hand, common courtesy and consideration for another demand that the person who intrudes on a man when he is busy should state his business briefly, and then take his departure. Only the busy man or woman knows the agony that comes with the knowledge that the precious moments of the working hours are being frittered away on that which is unnecessary, when necessary work is standing by, begging for the attention it deserves and should receive. Let him who would be careful on points of etiquette re- member that there is an etiquette of work- ing hours as well as of the hours of leisure and sociability. Perhaps the lapse from good breeding most common in general society is the ask- ing of questions. One is aghast at the evidence of impertinent curiosity that parades under the guise of friendly in- terest. Interrogations as to the amount 330 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS of one's income, occupation, and even as to one's age and general condition, are legion and inexcusable. Every one who writes be he a well-known author or a penny-a-liner knows only too w r ell the query, "What are you writing now?" and knows, too, the feeling of impotent rage awakened by this query. Yet, unless one would be as rude as his questioner, he must smile inanely and make an evasive answer. To ask no question does not, of neces- sity, mean a lack of interest in the person with whom one is conversing. A polite and sympathetic attention will show a more genuine and appreciative interest than much inquisitiveness. While we are on this subject, it may be well to mention that a lack of interest in what is being told one is a breach of courtesy that is all too common. Often one sees a man or woman deliberately pick up 331 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE a book or paper, open it and glance over it while his interlocutor is in the midst of a story he means to make interesting. If the conversation is interesting, it deserves the undivided attention of both persons; if what is being said is not worth atten- tion, the listener should at least respect the speaker's intention to please. There is nothing more dampening to conversa- tional enthusiasm, or more "squelching" to eloquence, than to find the eyes of the person with whom one is talking fixed on a book or magazine, which he declares lie is simply "looking over," or at whose pictures he is "only glancing." A good listener is in himself an inspi- ration. Even if one is not attracted by the person to whom one is talking, one should assume interest. This rule also holds good with regard to the attention given to a public speaker. In listening to a preacher or to a lecturer, one should look 332 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS at him steadily, not allowing the eyes to wander about the building and along ceil- ing and walls. This habit of a seemingly fixed attention is easily cultivated. If one is really interested in the address, it aids in the enjoyment and compre- hension of it to watch the speaker's facial play and gestures. If one is bored, one may yet fix the eyes upon the face of the person to whom one is supposed to be listening, and continue to think one's own thoughts and to plan one's own plans. And certainly the person who is exerting himself for the entertainment of his au- dience will speak better and be more com- fortable for the knowledge that eyes be- longing to some one who is apparently ab- sorbed in his address, are fixed upon him. Conditions under which otherwise polite persons feel that they can be rude are those attendant on a telephone-conver- sation. With the first "Hello" many a 833 man drops his courtesy as if it were a gar- ment that did not fit him. And women do the same. If the "Central" were to record all that she (it seems to be usually a "she") hears, and all that is said to her, our ears would tingle. True it is, that she often is surly, pert, and ill-mannered. But if she is ill-bred, that is no reason for the "connecting parties" to follow suit. Were one really amenable to arrest for profanity over the wires, the police would be kept busy if they performed their duty. But putting aside the underbred who swears, let us listen for a moment to the so-called courteous person, for he is courteous under ordinary circumstances: "Hello! Central! how long are you go- ing to keep me waiting? I told you I wanted '3040 Spring.' Yes! I did say that! and if you would pay attention to your business you would know it! I never saw 834> A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS such a worthless set as they have at that Central office. Got them, did you? It's time! Hello, 3040, is that you? Well, why the devil didn't you send that stuff around this morning? Going to, right away, are you? Well, it's time you did. What ails you people, anyway? Noll Central!!! I'm not through, and I wish to heaven you'd let this line alone when I'm talking," and so on, ad infinitum. Is all this worth while, and is it neces- sary? And must women, who, as they call themselves ladies, do not give vent to ex- pressed profanity, so far copy the man- ners of the so-called stronger sex that they scream like shrews over the tele- phone? Calling one day on a woman whom I had met with pleasure half-a-dozen times, I was the unwilling listener to her conversation with her grocer. She began by rating Central for not ask- 335 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ing "What number?" as soon as the re- ceiver was lifted from the hook. Having warmed up to business on this unseen girl, she got still more heated with the grocer at the other end of the wire. She had ordered one kind of apples, and he had sent her another, and the slip of paper containing the list of her purchases had an item of a five-cent box of matches that she had not ordered. With regard to all of which she expostulated shrilly and with numerous exclamations that were as near as she dared come to masculine explosives, such as "Great Heavens!" "Goodness gracious!" and so forth. After threaten- ing to transfer her custom to another grocer, and refusing to accept the apol- ogy of the abject tradesman, she compro- mised by saying that she would give him another trial, and hung up the receiver, coming into the parlor and beginning conversation once more in the even society 336 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS voice I had invariably heard before from her. That the ways of telephones and the persons who operate them are trying, no one can deny, least of all, the writer of this chapter, who lives in a house with one of these maddening essentials to human comfort. But the loss of temper that man- ifests itself in outward speech is not a requisite of the proper appreciation and use of the telephone. It is nothing less than a habit, and a pernicious one, this way we have of talking into the trans- mitter. Let us remember that courtesy pays better than curses, and politeness better than profanity. If not, then let u? have poorer service from Central and pre- serve our self-respect. A rudeness of which people who should know better are frequently guilty is that of criticizing a dear friend of the person to whom one is talking. This is not only 337 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE ill-mannered, but actually unkind, and one of many flagrant violations of the Golden Rule. If a man loves his friend, do not call his attention to that friend's failing, nor twit him on his fondness for such a person. He is happier for not seeing the failings, and if the friendship brings him any happiness, or makes life even a little pleasanter for him, do not be guilty of the cruelty of clouding that happiness. If the man does see the faults of him he loves, and loyally ignores them, pretend that you are not aware of the foibles toward which he would have you believe him blind. The knowledge of the peccadilloes of those in whom we trust comes only too soon; we need not hurry on the always-disappointing, often bitter knowledge. Perhaps lack of breeding shows in nothing more than in the manner of re- ceiving an invitation. Should a man say, 388 patronizingly, "Oh, perhaps I can ar- range to come," when you invite him to some function, write him down as un- worthy of another invitation. He is lack- ing in respect to you and in appreciation of the honor you confer on him in asking him to partake of the hospitality you have devised. "Really," protested one man plain- tively, "I am very tired! I have been out every night for two weeks, and now you want me for to-morrow night. I am doubtful whether I ought to come. I am so weary that I feel I need rest." The stately woman who had asked him to her house, smiled amusedly: "Pray let me settle your doubts for you," she said, "and urge you not to neg- lect the rest nature demands. Your first duty is to her, not to me." The man was too obtuse or too con- ceited to perceive the veiled sarcasm, and 389 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE to know that the invitation was with- drawn. Unless one receives special permission from the person giving an invitation to hold the matter open for some good and sufficient reason, one should accept or de- cline a verbal invitation as soon as it is given. If circumstances make this im- possible, one should apologize for hesitat- ing, saying, "I am so anxious to come that I am going to ask your permission to send you my answer later, after I ascertain if my husband has no engagement for that evening," or some such form. The would-be hostess will readily grant such a request. It may seem far-fetched to speak of in- gratitude as a breach of etiquette, but the lack of acknowledgment of favors is very much like it. The man who accepts all done for him as his due, who forgets the "thank you" in return for the trifling 340 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS favor, is not a gentleman in that respect, at least. The young men and young wom- en of to-day are too often spoiled or heed- less, taking pretty attentions offered them as matters of course, and as their right. In this chapter on miscellaneous eti- quette it may be well to enforce what is said elsewhere with regard to the respect every man should show to women. For instance, every man who really respects the women of his family will remove his hat when he enters the house. There are, however, men who kiss these same women with covered heads. In a well-known play acted by a travel- ing company some years ago in a small town, the hero, standing in a garden, told the heroine he loved her, was accepted by her, and bent to kiss her, without remov- ing the conventional derby from his blond pate. All sentiment was destroyed for the spectators when irate Hibernian accents 341 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE sounded forth from the gallery with: "Suppose ye take off yer hat, ye ill-man- nered blokey!" The Irishman was in the right. Before closing this chapter on miscel- laneous points of etiquette, I would say a word to those who, through bashfulness or self -consciousness, do the things they ought not to do and leave undone those things which they ought to do. They are so uncomfortable in society, so afraid of not appearing as they should, and so much absorbed in wondering how they look and act, and wishing that they did better, that they are guilty of the very acts of omission and commission they would guard against. If I could give one rule to the bashful it would be, Forget yourself and your af- fairs in interest in others and their affairs. Be so fully occupied noticing how well others appear and trying to make every- 34-2 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS body about you comfortable, that you have no time to think of your behavior. You will then not be guilty of any fla- grant breach of etiquette. The most courteous women I have ever known, those whose manners were a charm to all whom they met, were those who were self-for- getful and always watching for oppor- tunities to make other people comfortable. Such are the queens of society. 343 XXX SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION To the uninstructed, socially, the bare rules and conventions regulating social life seem often meaningless and arbi- trary. A careful consideration of these conventions, such as it has been the aim of this book to give, shows that no one of them is without a reason for its being. The classification, however, of social forms together with the reasons govern- ing these forms, does not provide a body of knowledge sufficient to serve as guide in the matter of comporting oneself easily and to advantage socially. There are many situations and points of behavior that it is impossible for a book of eti- quette to cover. The laws laid down are only a small social capital. They discuss 344 SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION the more obvious matters of social con- tact. Numerous points, and these of the finer sort, must be left without com- ment. In the treatment of these points and problems the person desirous of solv- ing them properly must rely largely on his own good sense. One must apply to social exigencies the same methods of rea- soning that one applies in meeting the other exigencies of life. In a word, one must resort to the principle of self-help. Much, too, and this in the pleasantest fashion, may be done to extend one's knowledge of good form by observation of people who have unusual tact and so- cial discrimination. In every city, town and village, there are such persons who are distinguished above their fellow citizens by social instinct, by the talent for per- forming gracefully and acceptably the offices of society. In differing degrees, but still perceptibly, these people, like the Ml EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE painter, the musician, the poet, are marked by a taste and a thirst for perfec- tion. To render social life as interesting, as charming, as beautiful as possible, to make the social machinery run smoothly and without friction, this is their aim. Such people give quality to social inter- course. They observe the little amenities of life with grace. They know how to enter a room and how to leave it. They convey by the bow with which they greet one on the street the proper degree of ac- quaintanceship or friendship. They dress with propriety. They take time by the forelock in the adoption of new devices for the entertainment of their friends. Their parties are the prettiest; their houses are the most popular. Not neces- sarily clever of speech, they are clever in small and charming activities. They have a marked talent for all the little graces that make social intercourse easy and de- 346 S E L F-H ELP AND OBSERVATION lightful. This talent, of course, can not be communicated, but much may be learned by watching its operation. Cer- tainly one can gain from it a knowledge of particulars, of how to perform certain definite acts, even if the conquest of the method is impossible. It is not difficult in any community to discover people who approach more or less nearly the type described. They have a recognized distinction. To watch them, and, by this means, to wrest from them a part at least of their secret, is the surest way for the individual, timid or unversed socially, to discover his own social power and to increase it. THE END 847 Index INDEX Accepting invitations 116 Accounts, keeping 316 Acknowledging gifts 95, 101 Acknowledging invitations 1,4,7, 9 Addressing invitations 6 Addressing letters 30 Afternoon receptions 42 Allowances, importance of 322 Allowances: children's weekly sums 322 Allowances, expenditure of 326 Allowances, value of 323 Anniversaries 50 Announcements, wedding 76 Answering letters 25, 35 Arrival at functions 43 "At Home" days 16 "At Homes" invitations to 2 "At Homes" of brides 77 Attendants, wedding 56, 67 Automobiling, etiquette of 221 Bachelor dinners 110 Bachelor hospitality 103 Bachelor hospitality : chaperon required 106 Bachelor hospitality : engaging chaperon for 106 351 INDEX Bachelor hospitality : form of entertaining 104 Bachelor hospitality : issuing invitations 107 Bachelor receptions 107 Bashfuliiess 342 Birthday gifts 98 Boarding-house, etiquette of 200 Bowing 188-191 Bouquets, bridal 74 Breakfast, wedding 57, 74 Bridal dress 70 Bruskness 327 Business courtesy 330 Calling cards 13 Calls 15 Calls: "At Home" days 16 Calls: leaving cards 19 Calls, returning 23 Calls, social obligation of 15 Calls to offer sympathy 22 Cards 13 Cards for matron 14 Cards for men 15 Cards for mourning 20 Cards for young women 14 Cards, style for calling 13 Cards: when calling 19 Ceremony, wedding 62, 69 Chaperon 85 Chaperon at theaters 88 352 INDEX Chaperon, duties of 85, 88 Chaperon, excursions with 89 Chaperon, necessity of 86 Chaperon, obligation to 90 Children 256 Children at hotels 207 Children, authority over 262 Children, behavior of 26 1 Children, indulgence to 257 Children, obedience of 267 Children, place of 260 Children, traveling with 263 Christening gifts 98 Christening parties 52 Christmas gifts 100 Church acquaintances 280 Church companionship 278 Church etiquette 277 Church etiquette : making friends 281 Church etiquette: pastor and parish 285 Church etiquette : pew hospitality 283 Church etiquette: visiting congregations 284 Church etiquette : welcoming strangers 284 Coming out 78 Coming-out parties 42 Condolence S3, 152 Conduct toward guest l .'><), 144 Congratulations 33 Congratulations, wedding 63, 73 353 INDEX Correspondence, value of 26 Courtesy 288 Courtesy: aged men 296 Courtesy : value of deference 296 Courtesy : value of discrimination 291 Courtesy due elders 288 Criticism, rudeness of 337 Dancing parties 46 Debutante 78 Debutante, age of 79 Debutante, apparel of 81, 83 Debutante, coming out 78 Debutante, conduct of 83 Debutante, significance of 79 Declining invitations 9> 1 1 Dinner, invitations to 9 Dinner parties 36, 39 Disagreeableness 328 Driving, etiquette of 228 Duty of hospitality 145, 151 Duty of maid 300 Duty of mistress 300 Duty to elders 288 Embracing 195 Engagements 49 Engagement gifts 97 Escorting women 19* Evening receptions 41 Expenses, wedding 56 354 INDEX Finances of young married couples Finances: accounts Finances : advantages of agreement Finances : advice to wife Finances: allowance for wife Finances : investing wife's money Finances: marrying for money Finances : wife earns allowance Finger bowls, use of Flowers for funerals Fork, use of Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Functions Funerals Gentleness, value of Gifts Gifts, acknowledging Gifts, appropriate Gifts, birthday 355 afternoon receptions anniversaries announcing engagements christening parties coming-out parties dancing parties dinner parties evening receptions how to conduct oneself leaving luncheons 311 316 315 313 314 321 320 312 172 153 169, 175 36 42 50 49 52 42 46 36, 39 41 39, 46 40, 43 40 155 329 92 95 93 98 INDEX free and easy behavior impropriety of advances losing respect maidenly dignity permitting liberties Gifts, christening Gifts, Christmas Gifts for engagements Gifts for weddings Gifts for young women Gifts, lists of Gifts, marking silver Girls, etiquette for Girls, etiquette for: Girls, etiquette for: Girls, etiquette for: Girls, etiquette for: Girls, etiquette for : Girls, plain talk to Golf, etiquette of Guests at hotels Hat, lifting of Home, etiquette in Home, etiquette in Home, etiquette in Home, etiquette in Home, etiquette in Home, etiquette in Home, etiquette in Horseback riding, etiquette of Hospitality Hospitality, bachelor Hospitality, duty of Hospitality, mutual obligations of 356 breaches of manner courteous attentions family table politeness essential recognizing others' rights respect necessary 145, 98 100 97 92 97 101 94 245 250 251 247 254 249 246 217 200 189 176 182 184 179 178 186 178 228 145 103 151 147 INDEX Hospitality, return of 148 Hospitality to strangers 150 Hostess at table 166, 173 Hotel, children in 207 Hotel etiquette 200 Hotel etiquette: conduct toward waiter 204 Hotel etiquette: criticizing 204 Hotel etiquette : dining-room conduct 203 Hotel etiquette : instructions for guest 200 Hotel etiquette : loud talking 202 Hotel etiquette : tipping 206 Hotel gossip 212 Hotel, summer 209 How to write letters 24 Indulgent parents 257 Ingratitude, display of 340 Interest, display of 331 Investing wife's money 321 Invitations 1 Invitations, acknowledging 1, 4, 7, 9 Invitations, addressing 6 Invitations, declining <), H Invitations for an "At Home" 2 Invitations for card parties 5 Invitations for church weddings 5 Invitations for dinners 9 Invitations for evening receptions 3 Invitations for luncheons 10 Invitations in honor of friend 3 357 INDEX Invitations requiring no acceptance note 1 Inviting a visitor 137 Jokes, wedding 64 Leaving cards 19 Letter writing 24 Letters, addressing SO Letters, answering 25, 35 Letters : colored letter paper 27 Letters of condolence S3, 152 Letters of congratulation 33 Letters : value of correspondents 26 Letters, dating 30 Letters: inclosing stamps 34 Letters, how to write 25 Letters: mourning stationery 29 Letters : plain white paper 28 Letters: postal cards 31 Letters: signatures 30 Letters: social forms 28 Listening, value of 332 Luncheons 40 Maid of honor 59 Maidenly dignity 254 Marriage, ceremonies of 54, 66 Marrying for money 320 Mistress and maid 300 Mistress and maid : duty to maid 305 Mistress and maid : duty to mistress 308 Mistress and maid : making confidant of maid 309 358 INDEX Mistress and maid : making friend of maid 303 Mistress and maid : relations between 800, 308 Mistress, conduct of 300 Mourning: attending funerals 156 Mourning, cards of 20 Mourning: church funerals 156 Mourning: conduct of bereaved 162 Mourning: extending sympathy 157 Mourning: flowers 153 Mourning: funeral notices 153 Mourning: home funerals 156 Mourning, house of 152 Mourning stationery, appropriate 29 Mourning, time of l6l Mourning veil 159 Mrs. Newlyrich, ambitions of 233 Mrs. Newlyrich, apparel of 243 Mrs. Newlyrich: conduct toward servants 236 Mrs. Newlyrich: engaging servants 235 Mrs. Newlyrich: forming new acquaintances 238 Mrs. Newlyrich, house of 243 Mrs. Newlyrich, manners of 231 Mrs. Newlyrich: mastering forms 241 Mrs. Newlyrich: purse-pride 244 Mrs. Newlyrich, social duties of 229 Music, wedding 6l Napkin, use of 175 Neighbors 268 Neighbors, addressing 270 359 INDEX Neighbors, courtesy to 270 Neighbors, familiarity with 274 Neighbors, higher significance of 268 Notices, funeral 153 Obedience, children's 267 Observation, value of 344 Paper, letter 27 Parents, indulgent 257 Parish, etiquette of 277 Parties, anniversary 50 Parties, christening 52 Parties, coming-out 42 Parties, dancing 46 Parties, dinner 36, 39 Parties, house 122 Pastor and parish 285 Politeness in home 178 Postal cards, use of 31 Public, addressing women in 193, 197 Public, assisting women in 193 Public, boarding a car in 191 Public, bowing in 188 Public, embracing in 195 Public, escorting women in 194 Public, etiquette in 188 Public, lifting hat in 189 Public, removing hat in 198 Public, resigning seat in 192 Public: theater conduct 197 360 INDEX Purse-pride Receptions, afternoon Receptions, evening Receptions, invitations for Returning calls Rowing, etiquette of Rudeness Spoon, use of Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, etiquette in Sports, general rules of Summer hotel, etiquette of Swimming, etiquette of Sympathy, cards of Sympathy, expressions of Table, at Table, at : drinking coffee Table, at: eating Table, at: salad Table, at: second service Table, at : the hostess 361 automobiling driving golf horseback riding politeness necessary rowing swimming tennis yachting 244 42 41 3 23 226 327 169 214 221 228 217 228 214 226 227 223 225 215 209 227 22 157 164 171 166, 168 171 174 166, 173 INDEX Table, at : use of finger bowls Table, at : use of fork Table, at : use of napkin Table, at : use of spoon Table, at: using fingers Table, setting the Table, sitting at Telephoning, politeness of Tennis, etiquette of Tipping Uninvited visitor Ushers, wedding Value of allowances Visited, the conduct toward guest decline of hospitality inviting a visitor preparing for visitor welcoming visitor Visited, the: Visited, the: Visited, the: Visited, the; Visited, the: Visitor, the Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: Visitor, the: accepting invitations assisting hostess examples of misbehavior house parties keeping engagements meal time promptness essential proper mode of conduct thanking hostess 362 172 169, 175 175 169 170 164 165 333 223 123, 206 116 67 323 133 139, 144 133 137 138 138 114 116 119 126 122 117 118 115 131 124 INDEX Visitor, the: tipping servants 123 Visitor, the: what to avoid 121 Visitor, uninvited 116 Visitor, wardrobe of 114, 122 Weddings 54, 66 Wedding announcements 76 Wedding apparel, appropriate 58. 70, 72 Wedding at home 54 Wedding attendants 56, 67 Wedding bouquets 74 Wedding breakfasts 57, 74 Wedding calls 76 Wedding ceremony 62, 64, 69 Wedding, church 66 Wedding decorations 67 Wedding, evening 72 Wedding expenses, how divided 56 Wedding invitations, form of 54 Wedding jokes, impropriety of 64 Wedding music 6l Wedding procession, order of 62, 68 Wedding ushers 67 Weddings: "At Home" days 77 Weddings: congratulations, expressing 63, 73 Weddings : maid of honor 59 Yachting, etiquette of 225 Young married couple 311 363 University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. JAN 16 19^6 OCT 2 4 1995 ARTS LIBRARy NQN-RENElhABLE MAR 3 lOQI DUE I WKI nm OfTI BiCllVEO