EVERYDAY 
 
 MARION HARLAND

 
 
 L
 
 Everyday Etiquette 
 
 . or CALIF. LIBRARY. u

 
 Everyday Etiquette 
 
 A PRACTICAL MANUAL OF SOCIAL USAGES 
 
 By MARION HARLAND 
 
 and 
 
 VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER 
 
 " Manners must adorn knowledge and smooth its way through 
 the world." Chesterfield's Letters. 
 
 INDIANAPOLIS 
 
 THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY 
 PUBLISHERS
 
 Copyright 1905 
 The Bobbs-Merrill Company 
 
 October 
 
 PRESS OF 
 
 BRAUNWORTH & CO. 
 
 BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS 
 
 BROOKLYN, N. Y.
 
 Everyday Etiquette 
 
 21331B4
 
 DEDICATION 
 
 As mother and daughter, as author and amanuensis, we, 
 who have collaborated in the preparation of this book, have 
 had equal opportunities of knowing how much it is needed. 
 Thousands of letters have been received and answered by 
 us yearly, asking for just such information as we have 
 written down here. 
 
 One fact enlisted our sympathizing interest at an early 
 stage of the correspondence. Those who were most anxious 
 to learn the by-laws of polite society, and to order their 
 manners in accordance with what we long ago elected to 
 call the "Gospel of Conventionality," were not the illiterate 
 and vulgar. Men and women women, in particular to 
 whom changed circumstances or removal from secluded 
 homes to fashionable neighborhoods involved the necessity 
 of altered habits of social intercourse ; girls, whose parents 
 are content to live and move in the deep ruts in which they 
 and their forebears were born ; people of humble lineage 
 and rude bringing up, who yet have longings and tastes for 
 gentlehood and for the harmony and beauty that go with 
 really good breeding these make up the body of our 
 clientele. Every page of our manual was written with a 
 thought of them in our minds. We have tried to make the 
 lessons they would learn simple, and in all to show the 
 aptness of the phrase quoted above as descriptive of the 
 code made up of decorous and gracious ordinances. 
 
 We could ask no greater measure of success for the 
 volume we here and now dedicate to these, our correspond- 
 ents and their congeners, than that a copy of it may find 
 welcome and use in every home from which have come 
 to us requests for light and help upon EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE. 
 
 V 
 New York, August, 1905 /
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER PAOE 
 
 I SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS . 1 
 
 II CARDS AND CALLS 13 
 
 III LETTER- WRITING 24 
 
 IV "FUNCTIONS" 36 
 
 V THE HOME WEDDING .... 54 
 
 VI THE CHURCH WEDDING .... 66 
 
 VII THE DEBUTANTE 78 
 
 VIII THE CHAPERON 85 
 
 IX MAKING AND RECEIVING GIFTS . , 92 
 
 X BACHELOR HOSPITALITY . , . 103 
 
 XI THE VISITOR 114 
 
 XII THE VISITED 133 
 
 XIII HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY .... 145 
 
 XIV THE HOUSE OF MOURNING . . . 152 
 XV AT TABLE ...... 164 
 
 XVI ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME . , . 176 
 
 XVII IN PUBLIC 188 
 
 XVIII ETIQUETTE OF HOTEL AND BOARDING- 
 HOUSE LIFE 200 
 
 XIX ETIQUETTE IN SPORT .... 214 
 
 XX MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL 
 
 DUTIES . , 229
 
 CHAPTKE PAGE 
 
 XXI A DELICATE POINT OF ETIQUETTE FOR 
 
 OUR GIRL . . t , . . .245 
 
 XXII OUR OWN AND OTHER PEOPLE'S 
 
 CHILDREN 256 
 
 XXIII OUR NEIGHBORS . . . : . .268 
 
 XXIV ETIQUETTE OF CHURCH AND PARISH . 277 
 XXV COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD 288 
 
 XXVI MISTRESS AND MAID .... 300 
 
 XXVII A FINANCIAL STUDY FOR OUR YOUNG 
 
 MARRIED COUPLE .... 311 
 
 XXVIII MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES . . . 322 
 
 XXIX A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE 
 
 BIG THINGS . . . . . .327 
 
 XXX SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION . 344
 
 Everyday Etiquette
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS 
 
 The sending and receiving of invita- 
 tions underlies social obligations. It 
 therefore behooves both senders and rec- 
 cipients to learn the proper form in which 
 these evidences of hospitality should be 
 despatched and received. 
 
 It is safe to assert that in the majority 
 of cases an invitation demands an an- 
 swer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err 
 on the side of acknowledging an invita- 
 tion, rather than on that of ignoring it 
 altogether. 
 
 Those that we will consider first are 
 such as demand no acceptance, but which 
 call for regrets if one can not accept. 
 1
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Such are cards to "At Home" days, to 
 teas, and to large receptions. Unless any 
 one of these bears on its face the letters 
 "R. s. v. p." (Repondez, s'il vous plait 
 Answer if you please) no acceptance is 
 required. If one can not attend the func- 
 tion, one should send one's card so that 
 one's would-be-hostess will receive it on 
 the day of the affair. 
 
 The cards for an "At Home" are is- 
 sued about ten days before the function. 
 They bear the hostess' name alone, unless 
 her husband is to receive with her, in which 
 case the card may bear the two names, as 
 "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith." The aver- 
 age American man does not, however, 
 figure at his wife's "At Homes" when 
 these are held in the afternoon. The ex- 
 igencies of counting-room and office hold 
 him in thrall too often for him to be de- 
 pended on as a certainty for such an oc- 
 casion.
 
 INVITATIONS 
 
 The card bears in the lower right-hand 
 corner the address of the entertainer; in 
 the lower left-hand corner the date and 
 the hours of the affair, as "Wednesday 
 October the nineteenth," and under this 
 "From four until seven o'clock." 
 
 If the tea be given in honor of a friend, 
 or to introduce a stranger, the card of 
 this person is inclosed with that of the 
 hostess, if the affair be rather informal. 
 If, however, it be a formal reception 
 it is well to have engraved upon the card 
 of the hostess, directly under her own 
 name, "To meet Miss Blank." 
 
 The recipient, in sending her cards of 
 regret, also incloses a card for the guest 
 or friend whom she has been invited to 
 meet. 
 
 The cards for an evening reception may 
 be issued in the same style. If not, they 
 are in the form of a regular invitation, 
 and in the third person, as: 
 
 3
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 "Mr. and Mrs. James Smith 
 Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. 
 
 Brown's company 
 
 On Wednesday evening, October nine- 
 teenth, 
 
 From eight to eleven o'clock. 
 2 West Clark Street.'* 
 
 If this formal invitation bears "R. s. 
 v. p." in one corner, it should be accepted 
 in the same person in which it is written, 
 thus: 
 
 "Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with 
 pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation 
 for Wednesday evening, October nine- 
 teenth." 
 
 It is hardly to be supposed that any 
 person who reads this book will be guilty 
 of the outrageous solecism of signing his 
 or her name to an invitation written in the 
 third person. But such things have been 
 done! 
 
 Invitations to dances are often issued 
 in the same form as those to teas, with 
 4
 
 INVITATIONS 
 
 "Dancing" written or engraved in tHe 
 corner of the card. As with teas, so with 
 evening receptions, a declinature must be 
 sent in the shape of a card delivered on 
 the day of the function. The custom that 
 some persons follow of writing "Regrets'* 
 on such a card is not good form. 
 
 An invitation to a card-party, no mat- 
 ter how informal, always demands an an- 
 swer, as the entertainer wishes to know 
 how many tables to provide, and the num- 
 ber of players she can count on. 
 
 Cards to church weddings demand no 
 answer unless the wedding be a small one 
 and the invitations are written by the bride 
 or one of the relatives, in which case the 
 acceptance or regret must be written at 
 once, and thanks expressed for the honor. 
 A "crush" church wedding is the one 
 function that demands no reply of any 
 kind. If one can go, well and good. If 
 one does not go one will not be missed 
 a
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 from the crowd that will throng the edi- 
 fice. An invitation to a home-wedding or 
 breakfast demands an answer and thanks 
 for the honor. 
 
 While on the subject of invitations to 
 large or formal affairs, it may be well 
 to touch on the point concerning which 
 many correspondents write letters of ag- 
 onized inquiry, the addressing of en- 
 velops to the different members of the 
 family. The question, "Can one invita- 
 tion be sent to an entire family, consist- 
 ing of parents, sons and daughters?" is 
 asked again and again. To each of these 
 an emphatic "No!" should be the answer. 
 If any one is to be honored by an invita- 
 tion to a function, he should be honored by 
 an invitation sent in the proper way. One 
 card should be sent to "Mr. and Mrs. 
 Blank;" another to the "Misses Blank," 
 still another to each son of the family. 
 Each invitation is inclosed in a separate 
 6
 
 INVITATIONS 
 
 envelop, but, if desired, all these envelops 
 may be inclosed in a larger outer one ad- 
 dressed to the head of the house. 
 
 The most important of invitations, 
 that is, one demanding an immediate an- 
 swer, is that to a dinner or luncheon, be 
 this formal or informal. For very stately 
 and most formal dinners, engraved invi- 
 tations in the third person are sent. But 
 it is quite as good form, and in appear- 
 ance much more hospitable and compli- 
 mentary, for the hostess herself to write 
 personal notes of invitation to each guest. 
 These may be in the simplest language, 
 as: 
 
 "My dear Miss Dorr: 
 
 Will you give Mr. Brown and myself 
 the pleasure of having you at dinner with 
 us on Tursday evening, December the 
 sixth? We sincerely hope that you will 
 be among those whom we expect to see at 
 our table that night. Dinner will be at 
 seven o'clock. Cordially yours, 
 
 Luella Brown." 
 7
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 To a married woman the invitation 
 should always include herself and her hus- 
 band, but it is addressed to her because it 
 is the woman who is supposed to have 
 charge of the social calendar of the fam- 
 ily. This note may read: 
 
 "My dear Mrs. Aikman: 
 
 Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us 
 by being among our guests at dinner on 
 Thursday evening, December the sixth, 
 at seven o'clock? Sincerely hoping to see 
 you at that time, I remain, 
 
 Cordially yours, 
 
 Luella Brown." 
 
 A note of invitation to a single man is 
 written in the same way. If the dinner be 
 given to any particular guest or guests, 
 this fact should be mentioned in the in- 
 vitation. As, for instance, "Will you dine 
 with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows," 
 and so forth. 
 
 As soon as practicable after the receipt 
 of such an invitation, the recipient should 
 8
 
 INVITATIONS 
 
 write a cordial note of acceptance, express- 
 ing thanks and the pleasure she (or her 
 husband and she) will take in being pres- 
 ent at the time mentioned. 
 
 If a declinature is necessary, let it be 
 in the form of a recognition of the honor 
 conveyed in the invitation, and genuine 
 regret at the impossibility of accepting 
 it. This may be worded somewhat in the 
 following way: 
 
 "My dear Mrs. Brown: 
 
 Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely 
 that a previous engagement makes it im- 
 possible for us to accept your delightful 
 invitation for December the sixth. We 
 thank you for counting us among those 
 who are so happy as to be your guests on 
 that evening, and only wish that we could 
 be with you. 
 
 Cordially and regretfully yours, 
 
 Jane Aikman." 
 
 No matter how informal a dinner is to 
 be, if the invitation is once accepted, noth- 
 ing must be allowed to interfere with one's 
 9
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 attendance unless she is so ill that her phy- 
 sician absolutely forbids her leaving the 
 house. 
 
 Some wit said that a man's only excuse 
 for non-attendance at such a function is 
 his death, in which case he should send his 
 obituary notice as an explanation. Cer- 
 tain it is that nothing short of one's own 
 severe illness or the dangerous illness of a 
 member of the family should interfere 
 with one's attendance at a dinner. Should 
 such a contingency arise, a telegram or 
 telephone message should be sent immedi- 
 ately that the hostess may try to engage 
 another guest to take the place of the one 
 who is unavoidably prevented from being 
 present. 
 
 All the rules that apply to the sending 
 and receiving of invitations to a dinner 
 prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is as 
 important a function, and the acceptance 
 or declinature of a letter requesting that 
 10 

 
 INVITATIONS 
 
 one should attend it must be promptly 
 despatched. 
 
 The matter of invitations to pay visits 
 will be treated under the headings of 
 "The Visitor" and "The Visited." 
 
 Before closing this chapter we should 
 like to remind the possible guest that an 
 invitation is intended as an honor. The 
 function to which one is asked may be all 
 that is most boring, and the flesh and 
 spirit may shrink from attending it. But 
 if one declines what is meant as a compli- 
 ment, let him do so in a manner that shows 
 he appreciates the honor intended. To de- 
 cline as if the person extending the in- 
 vitation were a bit presumptuous in giv- 
 ing it, or to accept in a condescending 
 manner, is a lapse that shows a common 
 strain under the recently-acquired polish. 
 A thoroughbred accepts and declines all 
 invitations as though he were honored by 
 the attention. In so doing he shows him- 
 H
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 self worthy to receive any compliment that 
 may under any circumstances be extended 
 to him. Would that more of the strag- 
 glers up Society's ladders would appre- 
 ciate this truth 1 
 
 12
 
 II 
 
 CARDS AND CALLS 
 
 The styles of calling-cards change from 
 year to year, even from season to season, 
 so that it is impossible to make hard-and- 
 fast rules as to the size and thickness of 
 the bits of pasteboard, or the script with 
 which they are engraved. Any up-to-date 
 stationer can give one the desired informa- 
 tion on these points. 
 
 In choosing a card-plate it is well to se- 
 lect a style of script so simple yet elegant 
 that it will not be outre several seasons 
 hence, unless one's purse will allow one to 
 revise one's plate with each change of 
 fashion. It should not be necessary to 
 remark that a printed card is an atrocity. 
 Even a man's business card should be en- 
 graved, not printed, 
 is
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 It is no longer considered the proper 
 thing for one card to bear the husband's 
 and wife's names together, as was a few 
 years ago the mode, thus, "Mr. and Mrs. 
 Charles Sprague." Still, some persons 
 have a few cards thus marked and use 
 them in sending gifts from husband and 
 wife. As a rule, however, the husband's 
 card is inclosed in an envelop with that 
 of his wife in sending gifts, regrets, and 
 the like. 
 
 The card of a matron bears her hus- 
 band's full name unless she be a divorcee, 
 thus, "Mrs. George Williams Brown." 
 Even widows retain this style of address. 
 In the lower right-hand corner is the ad- 
 dress, and in the lower left-hand corner 
 one's "at home" days are named, as "Tues- 
 days until Lent," or "Wednesdays in 
 February and March," or "Thursdays un- 
 til May." 
 
 A young woman's cards bear her name, 
 
 14
 
 CARDS AND CALLS 
 
 "Miss Blank," if she be the oldest or only 
 daughter in the family. The address on 
 her cards is in the lower left-hand corner. 
 If she have an older sister the card reads 
 "Miss Mary Hilton Blank." 
 
 A man's card is much smaller than that 
 of a woman and often has no address on 
 it, unless it be a business card, which must 
 never be used for social purposes. The 
 "Mr." is put before his signature as, "Mr. 
 James John Smith." By the time a boy is 
 eighteen years of age he is considered old 
 enough to have his cards marked with the 
 prefix "Mr." 
 
 Perhaps there is no social obligation 
 that is more neglected and ignored than 
 that of calling at proper times and regu- 
 lar intervals. In the rush and hurry of 
 American life, it is well-nigh impossible 
 for the busy woman to perform her duty 
 in this line unless she have a certain degree 
 of system about it. To this end she should 
 15
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 keep a regular calling-list or book, and 
 pay strict heed to the debit and credit 
 columns. It will require much manage- 
 ment and thought to arrange her visits 
 so that they will always fall on the " At 
 Home" days of her acquaintances. When 
 a woman has an "At Home" day it is an 
 unwarrantable liberty for any one to call 
 at any other time unless it be on business, 
 or by special invitation, or permission. As 
 many women have the same day at home 
 one must limit the length of a call to fif- 
 teen or twenty minutes upon a casual ac- 
 quaintance, never making it longer than 
 half-an-hour even at the house of a friend. 
 Some persons seem to feel that there is 
 a certain amount of pomp and circum- 
 stance about calling on an "At Home" 
 day and the novice in society asks timidly 
 what she is to do at such a time. She is to 
 do simply what she would do on any other 
 day when she is sure of finding her hostess 
 16
 
 CARDS AND CALLS 
 
 in and disengaged. The caller hands her 
 card to the servant opening the door ; then 
 enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who 
 will probably introduce her to any other 
 guests who happen to be present, unless 
 there be a large number of these, in which 
 case she will probably be introduced to a 
 few in her immediate vicinity. The caller 
 will chat for a few minutes, take a cup 
 of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, 
 with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, 
 or decline all refreshment if she prefer. 
 At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, 
 she will rise, say "Good Afternoon" to her 
 hostess, murmur a "Good Afternoon" to 
 the company in general and take her de- 
 parture. If her card has not been taken 
 by the servant who opened the door for 
 her, our caller may lay it on the hall table 
 as she goes out. 
 
 When a woman is at home one day a 
 week for several months, she is expected 
 17
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 to make very little preparation in the way 
 of refreshment for her chance guests. The 
 tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one 
 side of the room, and upon it are cups and 
 saucers, tea-pot, canister, and hot water 
 kettle. A plate of thin bread-and-butter, 
 or sandwiches, or biscuits, and another of 
 sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this 
 table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon 
 complete the outfit. The kettle is kept 
 boiling that fresh tea may be made when 
 required, and a servant enters when needed 
 to take out the used cups. If there are 
 many callers, the services of this maid 
 may be required to assist in passing cups, 
 and sugar and cream. Otherwise the host- 
 ess may attend to such matters herself, 
 chatting pleasantly as she does so. It is 
 not incumbent on a caller to take any- 
 thing to eat or drink unless she wishes to 
 do this. When one attends half-a-dozen 
 such "At Homes" in an afternoon one 
 
 18
 
 CARDS AND CALLS 
 
 would have to carry a bag like that worn 
 by Jack the Giant-Killer of fairy-lore, if 
 one were to accept refreshments at each 
 house. The hostess should, therefore, 
 never insist that a guest eat and drink if 
 she has declined to do so. 
 
 In calling on a married woman a ma- 
 tron leaves one of her own cards and two 
 of her husband's. Her card is for the 
 hostess, one of her husband's is for the 
 hostess and the other for the man of the 
 house. If there be several ladies in the 
 family, as for instance, a mother and two 
 daughters, the caller leaves one of her 
 own and one of her husband's cards for 
 each woman, and an extra card from her 
 husband for each man of the household. 
 
 This is the general rule, but it must have 
 some exceptions. For instance, in a house- 
 hold where there are five or six women it 
 is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of 
 visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves 
 19
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 her card for "the ladies," and leaves it 
 with her husband's, also for "the ladies." 
 One of his cards is also left for the man 
 of the family. Or if there be several men 
 it may be left simply for "the gentle- 
 
 men." 
 
 If one knows that there is a guest stay- 
 ing at a house at which one calls, one must 
 send in one's card for this guest. Or, if 
 one have a friend staying in the same 
 town with one, and one calls on her, it is a 
 breach of good breeding not to inquire for 
 the friend's hostess and leave a card for 
 her whether she appear or not. 
 
 Custom clings to the black-edged card 
 for those in mourning. It has its uses 
 and surely its abuses. For those in deep 
 mourning it is a convenience to send in 
 the form of regrets, as the black edge 
 gives sufficient reason in itself for the non- 
 acceptance of invitations. It may also be 
 sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it 
 
 20
 
 CARDS AND CALLS 
 
 as a calling-card the border should be very 
 narrow. If one is in such deep mourning 
 that one's card must appear with a half- 
 inch of black around it, one is certainly 
 in too deep mourning to pay calls. Un- 
 til the black edge can be reduced to the 
 less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width, 
 the owner would do well to shun society. 
 
 Nor should a black-edged card accom- 
 pany an invitation to a social function. 
 Several seasons ago a matron introduced 
 to society in a large city a niece who had, 
 eighteen months before, lost a brother. 
 With the hostess' invitations to the re- 
 ception was inclosed the card of the young 
 guest, and this card had a black border 
 an eighth-of-an-inch wide. The recipients 
 of the invitations were to be pardoned if 
 they wondered a bit at the incongruity 
 of a person in mourning receiving at a 
 large party. Under the circumstances she 
 should have declined to have the social 
 
 21
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 function given in her honor, or should 
 have laid aside her insignia of dolor. 
 
 If, then, one has reached the point 
 where one is ready to reenter society, let 
 one give up the mourning-cards and again 
 use plain white bits of pasteboard. 
 
 In calling at a house after a bereave- 
 ment, it is well, except when the afflicted 
 one is an intimate friend, to leave the card 
 with a message of sympathy at the door. 
 One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with 
 the card. A fortnight after the funeral 
 one may call and ask to see the ladies of 
 the family, adding that if they do not feel 
 like seeing callers they will please not 
 think of coming down. Under such cir- 
 cumstances only a supersensitive person 
 will be hurt by receiving the message that 
 the ladies beg to be excused, and that they 
 are grateful for the kind thought that 
 prompted the call. 
 
 The rule that we have just given ap- 
 
 22
 
 CARDS AND CALLS 
 
 plies to the household in which there is 
 serious illness. A call may consist of an 
 inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. 
 This may be accompanied by some such 
 message as "Please express my sincere 
 hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, 
 and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of 
 any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall 
 be grateful if he will let me know." 
 
 One should always return a first call 
 within three weeks after it has been made. 
 After a dinner, luncheon, or card-party, a 
 call must be made within a fortnight. An 
 afternoon tea requires no "party call." 
 After a large reception one may call 
 within the month. After a wedding re- 
 ception one must call within a fortnight 
 on the mother of the bride, and on the 
 bride on her "At Home" day as soon as 
 possible after her return from the wed- 
 ding trip. 
 
 23
 
 Ill 
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 The writing of letters, of the good old- 
 fashioned kind, is rapidly becoming a 
 thing of the past. People used to write 
 epistles. Now they write notes. Before 
 the days of the stenographer, the type- 
 writer, the telegraph and telephone, when 
 people made their own clothes by hand, 
 wove their own sheets, and had no time- 
 saving machines, they found leisure to 
 write epistles to their friends. Some of us 
 are so fortunate as to have stowed away in 
 an old trunk some of these productions. 
 The ink is pale and the paper yellowed, 
 but the matter is still interesting. All the 
 news of the family, the neighborhood gos- 
 sip, the latest sayings and doings of the 
 children and of callers, an account of the 
 
 24
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 books read, of the minister's last sermon, 
 and of the arrival of the newest of 
 many olive branches, filled pages. What 
 must these same pages have meant to the 
 exile from home! And how much there 
 was in such letters to answer! 
 
 Still, even in this day and generation 
 there are a few people who have so far 
 held to the good old traditions that they 
 write genuine letters. And wonder of 
 wonders! they answer questions asked 
 them in letters written by their corre- 
 spondents. Only those who have written 
 questions to which they desired prompt 
 answers, appreciate how maddening it is 
 to receive a letter which tells you every- 
 thing except the answers to your queries. 
 And this ignoring of the epistle one is 
 supposed to be answering is a feature of 
 the up-to-date letter-writer. There is, 
 even in friendly correspondence, a right 
 and a wrong way of doing a thing. 
 25
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 The wrong, and well-nigh universal, 
 way of treating a letter is as follows : It 
 is read as rapidly as possible, pigeon- 
 holed, and forgotten. Weeks hence, in 
 clearing out the desk it is found, the hand- 
 writing recognized, and it is laid aside to 
 be answered later. When that "later" 
 comes depends on the leisure of the 
 owner. At last a so-called answer is has- 
 tily written without a second reading of 
 the letter to which one is replying. Such a 
 reply begins with an apology for a long 
 and unavoidable silence, an account of 
 how cruelly busy one is nowadays, a pass- 
 ing mention of the number of duties one 
 has to perform, a wish that the two corre- 
 spondents may meet in the near future, 
 and a rushing final sentence of affection 
 followed by the signature. Such is the 
 up-to-date letter. 
 
 If a correspondent is worth having, she 
 is worth treating fairly. Let her letter be 
 26
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 read carefully, and laid aside until such 
 time as one can have a half-hour of unin- 
 terrupted writing. Then, let the letter 
 one would answer be read, and the ques- 
 tions it contains be answered in order, and 
 first of all. This is common courtesy. 
 After which one may write as much as 
 time and inclination permit. If one has 
 not the time to conduct one's correspond- 
 ence in this way, let one have fewer corre- 
 spondents. It is more fair to them and to 
 oneself. 
 
 Colored letter-paper is in bad form un- 
 less the color be a pale gray or a light 
 blue. From time to time, stationers have 
 put upon the market paper outre in de- 
 sign and coloring, and the persons who 
 have used it were just what might be ex- 
 pected. It reminds one of what Richard 
 Grant White said of the words "gents" 
 and "pants" he noticed "that the one 
 generally wore the other." So, paper that 
 27
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 is such bad form as this is usually used by 
 persons who are "bad form." 
 
 Plain white paper of good quality is al- 
 ways in fashion. For social correspond- 
 ence this paper must be so cut that it 
 is folded but once to be slipped into an 
 envelop. At the top of the page in the 
 middle may be the address, as 123 West 
 Barrows Street, and the name of the city. 
 Just now, this is the only marking that 
 is used on the sheet, although some per- 
 sons have the initials or monogram, or 
 crest, in place of the address. It is no 
 longer fashionable to have the crest or 
 monogram and the address also. Except 
 for business purposes the envelop is un- 
 marked. 
 
 Letter-heads, such as are used for busi- 
 ness correspondence, should never be used 
 for social purposes. Even the business 
 man may keep in his office desk a quire or 
 two of plain paper upon which to write 
 28
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 society notes and replies to invitations. 
 Nor is it permissible for him to use the 
 type-writer in inditing these. All his busi- 
 ness correspondence may be conducted 
 with the aid of the invaluable machine, 
 and he may, if he ask permission to do so, 
 send letters to members of his own family 
 on the type-writer. But all other corre- 
 spondence should be done with pen and 
 ink. 
 
 Unfortunately, mourning stationery is 
 still in vogue, but the recipient of a black- 
 edged letter is often conscious of a dis- 
 tinct shock when she first sees the emblem 
 of dolor, and wonders if it contains the 
 notice of a death. For this reason many 
 considerate followers of conventionalities 
 do not use the black-edged stationery, but 
 content themselves with plain white paper 
 marked with the address or monogram in 
 black lettering. 
 
 A social or friendly letter is frequently 
 29
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 dated at the end, at the left-hand lower 
 corner of the signature. A business com- 
 munication is dated at the upper right- 
 hand corner. 
 
 The expression "My dear Mr. Blank" 
 is more formal than is "Dear Mr. Blank," 
 and is, therefore, used in society notes. 
 Business letters addressed to a man should 
 begin with the name of the person to 
 whom they are intended on one line, the 
 salutation on the next, as: "Mr. John 
 Smith" on the upper line, and below this, 
 "Dear Sir." In addressing a firm con- 
 sisting of more than one person, write the 
 name of the firm, as "Smith, Jones and 
 Company," then below, "Dear Sirs." 
 Never use the salutation "Gentlemen" in 
 such a case. 
 
 It should be unnecessary to remind 
 
 women not to preface their signatures 
 
 with the title "Mrs." or "Miss." Such a 
 
 mistake stamps one as a vulgarian or an 
 
 so
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 ignoramus. The name in full may be 
 signed, as : "Mary Bacon Smith." If 
 the writer be a married woman, and the 
 person to whom she writes does not know 
 whether she be married or single, she 
 should write her husband's name with the 
 preface "Mrs." below her signature, or in 
 the lower left-hand corner of the sheet, as 
 ("Mrs. James Hayes Smith.") 
 
 To sign one's name prefaced by the first 
 letter is no longer considered good form. 
 " J. Henry Wells" should be "John Henry 
 Wells." If one would use one initial let- 
 ter instead of the full name, let that letter 
 be the middle initial, as "John H. Wells," 
 or better still, "J. H. Wells." 
 
 I wish I could impress on all follow- 
 ers of good form that a postal card is a 
 solecism except when used for business 
 purposes. If it is an absolute necessity to 
 send one to a friend or a member of one's 
 family, as, when stopping for a moment 
 
 31
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 at a railroad station one wishes to send a 
 line home telling of one's safety at the 
 present stage of the journey, the sentences 
 should be short and to the point, and un- 
 prefaced by an affectionate salutation. 
 All love-messages should be omitted, as 
 should the intimate termination that is en- 
 tirely proper in a sealed letter. "Affec- 
 tionately" or "Lovingly" are out of place 
 when written upon a postal card. Expres- 
 sions such as "God bless you!" or "I love 
 you," or "Love to the dear ones," are in 
 shockingly bad taste except under cover 
 of an envelop. A good rule to impress on 
 those having a penchant for the prevalent 
 post-card is as follows: "Use only for 
 business, and then only when brevity and 
 simplicity are the order of the day; never 
 use for friendly correspondence unless 
 the purchase of a sheet of paper, envelop 
 and postage stamp is an impossibility." 
 The friendly letter may be as long as 
 
 32
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 time and inclination permit. The business 
 communication should be written in as 
 few and clear sentences as possible. Some 
 one has said that to write a model business 
 letter one should "begin in the middle of 
 it." In other words, it should be unpre- 
 faced by any unnecessary sentences, but 
 should begin immediately on the busi- 
 ness in hand, continue and finish with it. 
 For such letters "Very truly yours" is the 
 correct ending, unless, as in the case of a 
 man or firm addressing a letter to a per- 
 son totally unknown to the writer, when 
 the expression "Respectfully yours" may 
 be used. 
 
 Many people consider letters of con- 
 gratulation and condolence the most diffi- 
 cult to write. This is because one feels 
 that a certain kind of form is necessary 
 and that conventional and stilted phrases 
 are proper under the circumstances. This 
 is a mistake, for, going on the almost un- 
 33
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 failing principle that what comes from 
 the heart, goes to the heart, the best form 
 to be used toward those in sorrow or joy 
 is a genuine expression of feeling. If 
 you are sorry for a friend, write to her 
 that you are, and that you are thinking 
 of her and longing to help her. If you 
 are happy in her happiness, say so as cor- 
 dially as words can express it. 
 
 We can not close this chapter on letter- 
 writing without a word to the person who 
 writes a letter asking a question on his 
 own business, and fails to inclose a stamp. 
 This is equivalent to asking the recipient 
 on whom one has no claim, to give one 
 the time required for writing an answer 
 to one's query, and a two-cent stamp as 
 well. When the matter on which one 
 writes is essentially one's own business, 
 and not that of the person to whom one 
 writes and from whom one demands a re- 
 ply, one should always inclose a stamp or 
 
 84
 
 LETTER-WRITING 
 
 a self -addressed and stamped envelop, 
 thus making the favor one asks of the 
 least possible trouble to one's correspond- 
 ent. 
 
 In all business and society correspond- 
 ence a letter should be answered as soon as 
 possible after it is received. One may af- 
 ford to take a certain amount of liberty 
 with one's friends, and lay aside a letter 
 for some days before answering it. But 
 the acceptance or declinature of an invita- 
 tion, and the answer to a business com- 
 munication, should be sent with as little 
 delay as possible.
 
 IV 
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 In former chapters some of the laws 
 governing various social affairs have been 
 touched on, but it may not be amiss to 
 
 
 
 repeat some of them under the heading of 
 "Functions." Directions for invitations 
 to most of these "occasions," "affairs," or 
 by whatsoever name they are known, have 
 been given in the chapter on "Sending 
 and Receiving Invitations." We will not 
 touch on that subject in this. 
 
 One of the most formal of entertain- 
 ments, a dinner-party, demands that the 
 guest be not more than ten minutes early, 
 and not a half -minute behind the time 
 mentioned in the invitation. The servant 
 at the door directs the women to their 
 dressing-room, the men to theirs. In the 
 36
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 dressing-room the women leave their 
 wraps, but do not remove their gloves. 
 Each woman, accompanied by her escort, 
 descends to the drawing-room, greets the 
 hosts, and the man who is to take her out 
 to dinner is then introduced to her. All 
 chat pleasantly until dinner is announced. 
 Then the host offers his arm to the femi- 
 nine guest of honor, who is to sit on his 
 right, and the hostess takes the arm of the 
 man who is to sit on her right-hand. The 
 host goes first with his partner, followed 
 by the other couples, the hostess and her 
 escort bringing up the rear. When the 
 women are seated, the men sit down, the 
 host waiting until all the guests have 
 taken their chairs before he takes his. 
 
 There has been much discussion as to 
 who shall be served first at a large dinner. 
 The latest verdict is, according to some 
 authorities, that each dish shall be first 
 passed to the hostess, that she may show 
 87
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 by helping herself just how any viand 
 that may be an innovation is to be served. 
 For this reason the custom has its advan- 
 tages, especially in the eyes of those un- 
 accustomed to large dinners and new 
 dishes. Still many people continue to 
 prefer the old-fashioned method of pass- 
 ing each article first to the guest at the 
 right of the host. If there be two ser- 
 vants, as at a large dinner, the second ser- 
 vant begins his tour about the table by of- 
 fering his dish to the guest at the right of 
 the hostess. 
 
 Where there are many courses a guest 
 may, if he wish, sometimes decline one or 
 more of these. He may also show by a 
 gesture that he will not take wine, or, if 
 his glasses are filled, he may simply lift 
 them to his lips, taste the contents, then 
 drink no more. As a glass will be filled as 
 soon as emptied, the guest may say in a 
 low voice, "No more, please !" when he has 
 
 38
 
 "FUNCTIONS 
 
 had enough. None of these refusals 
 should be so marked as to attract the at- 
 tention of his entertainers. 
 
 It should not be necessary to give par- 
 ticular directions as to how one should con- 
 duct oneself at a dinner. After the ladies 
 have removed their gloves and the dinner- 
 roll or slice of bread has been taken from 
 the folded napkin and the napkin laid in 
 the lap, the dinner conducts itself. The 
 chapter headed "At Table" will answer 
 any doubtful questions as to the manner 
 of eating at home or abroad. 
 
 After the dinner is ended, the hostess 
 gives a slight signal, or makes the move to 
 rise. The gentlemen stand while the ladies 
 pass out of the room, then sit down again 
 for their cigars, coffee and liquors. Cof- 
 fee and cordials are served to the ladies in 
 the drawing-room, where they are later 
 joined by the gentlemen. 
 
 When the time for departure ap- 
 39
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 preaches it is the place of the woman who 
 goes first to rise, motion to her husband, 
 and then as soon as she and he have said 
 good night to the host and hostess, they 
 bow to the other guests, and retire to the 
 dressing-rooms. After this they go di- 
 rectly from the house, not entering the 
 drawing-room again. 
 
 In 'saying good night it is perfectly 
 proper, extremists to the contrary not- 
 withstanding, to thank the entertainers for 
 a pleasant evening. Such thanks need not 
 be profuse, but may be simply "Good 
 night, and many thanks for a delightful 
 evening!" or "It is hard to leave, we have 
 had such a pleasant time!" One need 
 never be afraid to let one's hosts know 
 that the time spent in their presence has 
 passed delightfully. 
 
 The rules that apply to a dinner hold 
 good at a luncheon, to which function 
 ladies only are usually invited, although 
 
 40
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 when served at twelve o'clock, and called 
 "Breakfast," men are also bidden. 
 
 At a luncheon the women leave their 
 coats in the dressing-room, wearing their 
 hats and gloves to the table. The gloves 
 are drawn off as soon as all are seated. 
 
 At an evening reception, the guests as- 
 cend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, 
 or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant 
 be there to take them. When one comes in 
 a carriage with only an opera wrap over 
 a reception gown, it is hardly worth while 
 to mount the stairs. But this must be de- 
 cided by the arrangements made by the 
 entertainers. Before one enters the draw- 
 ing-room one deposits one's cards on the 
 salver on the hall table. If there be a 
 servant announcing guests the new ar- 
 rival gives his name clearly and distinctly 
 to this functionary, who repeats it in such 
 a tone that those receiving may hear it. 
 The guest enters the parlors at this mo- 
 41
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and 
 after greeting her, speaks with each per- 
 son receiving with her. He then passes 
 on and mingles with the rest of the com- 
 pany. 
 
 An afternoon reception is conducted in 
 the same manner, the only difference be- 
 ing that, at an evening function refresh- 
 ments are more elaborate than at an after- 
 noon affair, and the guests frequently 
 repair to the dining-room, if this be large. 
 At some day receptions, this is also done, 
 but at a tea refreshments are usually 
 passed in the drawing-rooms. 
 
 The "coming-out" party or reception, 
 at which the debutante makes her entrance 
 on the world of society, is conducted as 
 is any other reception, but the debutante 
 stands by her mother and receives with 
 her. Each guest speaks some pleasant 
 word of congratulation on shaking hands 
 with the girl. Her dress should be exqui- 
 
 42
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 site, and she should carry flowers. These 
 flowers are usually sent to her. When 
 more are received than she can carry, they 
 are placed about the room. If the com- 
 ing-out party be in the evening, it is 
 often followed by a dance for the young 
 people. 
 
 In sending out invitations for such an 
 affair, the daughter's card is inclosed with 
 that of the mother. 
 
 One may leave such a function as has 
 just been described as soon as one likes, 
 and may take refreshments or not as one 
 wishes. Just before departing the guest 
 says good night to his hosts, then leaves. 
 
 The hour at which one goes to a recep- 
 tion may be at any time between the hours 
 named on the cards issued. One should 
 never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, 
 on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. 
 If the cards read "from half-after eight 
 to eleven o'clock," any time after nine 
 
 48
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 o'clock will be proper and one will then be 
 pretty sure not to be the first arrival of 
 the company. 
 
 A card-party is a function at which one 
 should arrive with reasonable promptness. 
 If the invitations call for eight-thirty, one 
 must try not to be more than fifteen or 
 twenty minutes late, as the starting of the 
 game will be thus delayed and the hostess 
 inconvenienced. After the game is ended, 
 refreshments are served, and as soon after 
 that as one pleases one may take one's de- 
 parture. 
 
 The same rule of promptness applies to 
 a musicale. After greeting the hostess, 
 guests take the seats assigned to them, and 
 chat with those persons near them until 
 the musical performance begins. During 
 the music not a word should be spoken. If 
 one has no love for music, let consideration 
 for others cause one to be silent. If this 
 is impossible, it is less unkind to send a 
 
 44
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 regret than to attend and by so doing mar 
 others' enjoyment of a musical feast. 
 
 At a ball or large dance, one may arrive 
 when one wishes. The ladies are shown to 
 the dressing-room, then meet their escorts 
 at the head of the stairs and descend to the 
 drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the 
 host and hostess greet one, after which one 
 mingles with the company. 
 
 At a formal dance, programs or orders 
 of dance are provided, each man and each 
 woman receiving one as he or she leaves 
 the dressing-room or enters the drawing- 
 room. Upon this card a woman has in- 
 scribed the names of the various men who 
 ask for dances. As each man approaches 
 her with the request that he be given a 
 dance, she hands him her card and he 
 writes his name on it, then writes her name 
 on the corresponding blank on his own 
 card. As he returns her program to her 
 the man should say "Thank you!" The 
 
 45
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 woman may bow slightly and smile or re- 
 peat the same words. 
 
 No woman versed in the ways of polite 
 society will give a dance promised to one 
 man to another, unless the first man be so 
 crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect 
 to come for it. Should a man be guilty of 
 this rudeness he can only humbly apolo- 
 gize and explain his mistake, begging to 
 be taken again into favor. If he be sin- 
 cere the woman must, by the laws of good 
 breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but 
 she need not give him the next dance he 
 asks for unless she believes him to be ex- 
 cusable. 
 
 The hostess at a dance must deny her- 
 self all dancing, unless her guests are 
 provided with partners or, at least, she 
 should not dance during the first part of 
 the evening if other women are unsup- 
 plied with partners. At a large ball the 
 hostess frequently has a floor committee 
 
 46
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 of her men friends to see that sets are 
 formed and that partners are provided 
 for comparative strangers. No hirelings 
 will do this so skilfully or with so much 
 tact as will the personal friends of the en- 
 tertainers. 
 
 A young girl may, after a dance, ask to 
 be taken to her chaperon, or to some other 
 friend. She should, soon after the dance 
 given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, 
 that he may ascertain the whereabouts of 
 his next partner before the beginning of 
 the next dance. 
 
 The etiquette governing weddings and 
 wedding-receptions will be explained in 
 the chapters on "Weddings." 
 
 In our foremothers' day the publicity 
 of the declared engagement was a thing 
 unknown. Now, the behavior of the af- 
 fianced pair and what is due to them from 
 society deserve a page of their own. 
 
 Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are 
 47
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 the newly-married, but the engaged 
 couple presses them hard in this line. To 
 behave well under the trying conditions 
 attendant upon a recently-announced en- 
 gagement demands tact and unselfishness. 
 It should not be necessary to remind any 
 well-bred girl or man that public exhibi- 
 tions of affection are vulgar, or that self- 
 absorption, or absorption in each other, is 
 in wretched taste. The girl should act to- 
 ward her betrothed in company as if he 
 were her brother or any intimate man- 
 friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seem- 
 ingly confidential conversation. The man, 
 while attentive to every want and wish of 
 the woman he loves, must still mingle with 
 others and talk with them, forcing him- 
 self, if necessary, to recollect that there 
 are other women in the world besides the 
 one of his choice. The fact that romantic 
 young people and critical older ones are 
 watching the behavior of the newly-en- 
 
 48
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 gaged pair and commenting mentally 
 thereon, is naturally a source of embar- 
 rassment to those most nearly concerned 
 in the matter. But let each remember that 
 people are becoming engaged each hour, 
 that no strange outward transformation 
 has come over them, and that all evidences 
 of the marvelous change which each may 
 feel has transformed life for him or her 
 may be shown when they are in private. 
 If they love each other, their happiness is 
 too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for 
 public view. 
 
 It is customary, when an engagement is 
 announced, for the friends of the happy 
 girl to send her flowers, or some dainty be- 
 trothal gift. She must acknowledge each 
 of these by a note of thanks and apprecia- 
 tion. 
 
 It is not good form for a girl to an- 
 nounce her own engagement, except to her 
 own family and dear friends. A friend 
 49
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 of the family may do this, either at a 
 luncheon or party given for this purpose, 
 or by mentioning it to the persons who will 
 be interested in the pleasant news. When 
 a girl is congratulated, she should smile 
 frankly and say "Thank you!" She 
 should drill herself not to appear uncom- 
 fortably embarrassed. The same rule ap- 
 plies to the happy man. 
 
 The conventional diamond solitaire ring 
 is not worn until the engagement is an- 
 nounced. 
 
 The happily married as a rule consider 
 the Great Event of their lives of sufficient 
 interest to the world-at-large to be com- 
 memorated by yearly festivities. 
 
 Cards for wedding anniversaries bear 
 the names of the married pair, the hours 
 of the reception to be given and the two 
 dates, thus: 
 
 June 15, 1880 June 15, 1905. 
 
 50
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 If the anniversary be the Silver Wed- 
 ding the script may be in silver; if a 
 Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wed- 
 ding invitations, engraved, or written on 
 paper in close imitation of birch bark, are 
 pretty. At one such affair all decorations 
 were of shavings, and the refreshments 
 were served on wooden plates. At a tin 
 wedding, tin-ware was used extensively, 
 even the punch being taken from small 
 tin cups and dippers. 
 
 The reception is usually held in the 
 evening, and husband and wife receive to- 
 gether, and, if refreshments are served at 
 tables, they sit side by side. It is proper 
 to send an anniversary present suitable to 
 the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied 
 by a card bearing the name of the sender, 
 and the word "Congratulations." It is 
 customary to send such a gift only a day 
 or two before the celebration of the anni- 
 versary. 
 
 51
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 An anniversary reception is just like a 
 reception given at any other time, and 
 rules for conducting such an one apply to 
 this affair. 
 
 In close sequence to weddings and wed- 
 ding anniversaries we give a few general 
 directions for the conduct of christening- 
 parties. 
 
 As the small infant is supposed to be 
 asleep early in the evening, it is well, when 
 possible, to have the christening ceremony 
 in the morning or afternoon. As it is not 
 always convenient for the business men 
 of the family to get off in the day-time on 
 week days, Sunday afternoon is often 
 chosen for such an affair. Whether the 
 celebration be in the daytime, or at night, 
 the modus operandi is about the same. 
 
 Every prayer-book contains a descrip- 
 tion of the duties of godfathers and god- 
 mothers, if one belongs to a church having 
 such. If not, the father holds the child, 
 
 52
 
 "FUNCTIONS" 
 
 and the father and mother take upon them 
 the vows of the church to which they be- 
 long. The baby, clothed in flowing robes, 
 is a passive participant in the ceremony. 
 After the religious service the little one 
 is passed about among the guests, and is 
 then taken by the nurse to the upper 
 regions, while those assembled in his honor 
 regale the inner man with refreshments 
 provided for the occasion. 
 
 The godfather and godmother make 
 a gift to the child usually some piece of 
 silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a 
 table in the drawing-room with any other 
 presents that the invited guests may bring 
 or send. It is the proper thing for the 
 guests to congratulate the parents on the 
 acquisition to the family and to wish the 
 child health and happiness. 
 
 Handsome calling gowns are en regie 
 at a christening, unless it be an unusually 
 elaborate evening affair. 
 
 53
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 To a home wedding, invitations may be 
 issued two weeks in advance. Their style 
 depends upon how formal the function 
 is to be. If a quiet family affair, the 
 notes of invitation may be written in the 
 first person by the bride's mother, as : 
 
 "My Dear Mary: 
 
 Helen and Mr. Jones are to be married 
 on Wednesday, October the thirteenth, at 
 four o'clock. The marriage will be very 
 quiet, with none but the family and most 
 intimate friends present. We hope that 
 you will be of that number. Helen sends 
 her love and begs that you will come to see 
 her married. 
 
 Faithfully yours, 
 
 Joanna Smith." 
 
 This kind of note is, of course, only 
 permissible for the most informal affairs. 
 14
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 For the usual home marriage, cards, 
 which read as follows, may be issued : 
 
 "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request 
 the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Blank's 
 company at the marriage of their 
 daughter on the afternoon of Wednesday, 
 the thirteenth of October, at four o'clock, 
 at One hundred and forty-four Madison 
 Square, Boston." 
 
 Or the invitations may read : 
 
 "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request 
 the pleasure of your company at the mar- 
 riage of their daughter, Helen Adams, to 
 Mr. Charles Sprague, on Tuesday after- 
 noon, October the thirteenth, at four 
 o'clock." 
 
 "R. s. v. p." may be added if desired. 
 
 (Rules regulating the answers to wed- 
 ding invitations will be found in the chap- 
 ter on "Invitations," those with regard to 
 wedding gifts, in the chapter "Making 
 and Receiving Gifts.") 
 
 At a home wedding, the bride often has 
 
 55
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 but one girl attendant, and that one is the 
 maid of honor. The bride tells her what 
 kind of dress she wishes her to wear, and 
 the groom provides her bouquet for her. 
 He also sends the bride her bouquet. 
 
 Right here it may be well to state that, 
 for a wedding, the expenses of the groom 
 are the flowers for the bride and her maid 
 of honor or bridesmaids, the carriage in 
 which he takes his bride to the train, the 
 carriages for best man and ushers, and the 
 clergyman's fee. Besides this, he usually 
 provides his ushers and best man with a 
 scarf-pin. In some cases he gives these 
 attendants also their gloves and ties; 
 sometimes he does not. The bride's 
 family pays all other expenses, including 
 the decorating of the house, the invitations 
 and announcement cards and the caterer. 
 If guests from a distance are to be met at 
 the train by carriages, the bride's father 
 pays for these. 
 
 56
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 We will suppose that at the house wed- 
 ding with which we have to do the only at- 
 tendants are the best man, two ushers and 
 the maid of honor, and that the ceremony 
 is at high noon, or twelve o'clock. 
 
 The matter of lights at this function is 
 largely a question of taste. If the day be 
 brilliantly clear, it seems a pity to shut the 
 glorious sunshine from the house. There- 
 fore many brides decline to have the cur- 
 tains drawn at the noon hour, thus shut- 
 ting out the sun's rays. Many persons 
 prefer the light from shaded lamps and 
 candles, as being more becoming than the 
 glare of day. 
 
 The wedding-breakfast is provided by a 
 caterer always when such a thing is pos- 
 sible. It may consist of iced or jellied 
 bouillon, lobster cutlets, chicken pates, a 
 salad, with cakes, ices and coffee. This 
 menu can be added to or elaborated, as in- 
 clination may dictate. Sweetbread pates 
 57
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 may take the place of the chicken pates. A 
 frozen punch may take the place of the 
 ordinary ices, and, if one wish, a game 
 course be introduced. A heavy breakfast 
 is, however, a tedious and unnecessary af- 
 fair. 
 
 The bride's dress, if she be a young girl, 
 must be white, with a veil. A train is ad- 
 visable, as it adds elegance and dignity 
 to the costume. The waist is made with a 
 high neck and long sleeves, and white 
 gloves are worn. The veil is turned back 
 from the face and reaches to the bottom 
 of the train where it is held in place by 
 several pearl-headed pins. A single fold 
 of tulle hangs over the face, being sep- 
 arate from the main veil. This is thrown 
 back after the ceremony. 
 
 The groom wears a black frock coat, 
 gray trousers, white waistcoat, white tie, 
 light gray or pearl gloves, and patent 
 leather shoes. His ushers dress in much 
 
 58
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 the same fashion, although white waist- 
 coats are not essential in their case. 
 
 The maid of honor wears a gown of 
 white or very light color, with a slight 
 train, and a picture hat, or not, as she 
 wishes. When becoming, an entire cos- 
 tume of pale pink, with a large hat 
 trimmed with long plumes of the same 
 shade, is very striking. The bouquet car- 
 ried by the bridesmaid will harmonize with 
 the color of her gown. Of course, the 
 bride's bouquet will be white, and is usu- 
 ally composed of her favorite blossoms. 
 
 The old fashion of ripping the third 
 finger of the bride's left-hand glove, so 
 that this finger might be slipped off for 
 the adjusting of the ring, is no longer in 
 vogue. Instead of this the left-hand glove 
 is removed entirely at that part of the 
 ceremony when the ring is placed on the 
 bride's finger by the groom. 
 
 At a house wedding the guests assem- 
 59
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ble near the hour named, leave their wraps 
 in the dressing-rooms, then wait in the 
 drawing-room for the wedding. The 
 whole parlor-floor is decorated with natu- 
 ral flowers, garlands of these being 
 twisted about the balustrades, and making 
 a bower of the room in which the marriage 
 is to take place. If one can afford to do 
 so, it is best to leave the matter of floral 
 decorations to an experienced florist, but 
 if one can not afford this luxury, friends 
 may decorate the rooms. A screen of 
 green, dotted with flowers, may stand at 
 the end of the room in which the marriage 
 is to be solemnized, and an arch of flowers 
 is thrown over this. Within this arch the 
 clergyman, the groom, and the best man 
 may await the arrival of the wedding 
 guests, as the wedding march begins. 
 
 The portieres shutting off the drawing- 
 room from the hall are closed when the 
 time arrives for the bridal party to de- 
 60
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 scend the stairs, and as they reach the hall 
 the strains of the wedding march sound. 
 
 One word as to the orchestra. This 
 should be stationed at such a distance from 
 the clergyman and bridal party that its 
 strains will not drown the words of the 
 service. Since Fashion decrees that music 
 should be played during the service, it 
 should be so soft and low that it accentu- 
 ates, rather than muffles the voices of the 
 participants in the ceremony. Loud 
 strains detract from the impressiveness of 
 the occasion, and cause a feeling of irri- 
 tation to the persons who would not 
 miss a single word of the solemn serv- 
 ice. 
 
 Through the door at the opposite end 
 of the room from that in which the groom 
 stands, enters the wedding procession. 
 The two ushers come first, having a mo- 
 ment or two before marked off the aisle, 
 by stretching two lengths of white satin 
 61
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ribbon from end to end of the room. Fol- 
 lowing the ushers walks the bridesmaid 
 alone, and, after her, on the arm of her 
 father, comes the bride. At the impro- 
 vised altar, or at the cushions upon which 
 the bridal couple are to kneel, the ushers 
 separate, one going to each side. The 
 maid of honor moves to the left of the 
 bride, and the father lays the bride's hand 
 in the hand of the groom, then stands a 
 little in the rear until he gives her away, 
 after which point in the ceremony he steps 
 back among the guests, or at one side, 
 apart from the bridal group. The best 
 man stands on the groom's left. It is he 
 who gives the ring to the clergyman, who 
 hands it to the groom, who places it on the 
 finger of the bride. 
 
 When the ring is to be put on, the bride 
 
 hands her bouquet to the maid of honor, 
 
 and draws off her left-hand glove, giving 
 
 that also to the maid of honor, who holds 
 
 62
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 both until after the benediction. After 
 congratulating the newly-wedded pair, 
 the clergyman gives them his place, and 
 they stand, facing the company, to receive 
 congratulations. The bride's mother 
 should have been in the parlor to receive 
 the guests as they arrived, and during the 
 ceremony stands at the end of the room 
 near the bridal party. She should be the 
 first to congratulate the happy couple, the 
 groom's parents following those of the 
 bride. The maid of honor stands by the 
 bride while she receives. 
 
 After congratulations have been ex- 
 tended, the wedding-breakfast is served 
 at little tables placed about the various 
 rooms. The bride and her party may, if 
 desired, have a table to themselves, and 
 upon this may be a wedding-cake, to be 
 cut by the bride. This is not essential and 
 has, of late years, been largely superseded 
 by the squares of wedding-cake, packed in 
 68
 
 dainty boxes, one of which is handed to 
 each guest on leaving. 
 
 When the time comes for the bride to 
 change her dress she slips quietly from the 
 room, accompanied by her maid of honor. 
 The groom goes to an apartment assigned 
 to him and his best man to put on his trav- 
 eling suit. Later, the maid of honor may 
 come down and tell the bride's mother in 
 an "aside" that she may now go up and 
 bid her daughter good-by in the privacy 
 of her own room. Afterward the young 
 husband and wife descend the stairs to- 
 gether, say good-by in general to the 
 friends awaiting them in the lower hall, 
 and drive off, generally, one regrets to 
 say, amid showers of rice. 
 
 I would say just here that the playing 
 of practical jokes on a bridal pair is a 
 form of pleasantry that should be con- 
 fined to classes whose intellects have not 
 been cultivated above the appreciation 
 
 64
 
 THE HOME WEDDING 
 
 of such coarse fun. To tie a white 
 satin bow on the trunk of the so-called 
 happy pair so that all passengers may take 
 note of them, is hardly kind. But this is 
 refined jesting compared to some of the 
 deeds done. A few weeks ago the papers 
 gave an account of a groomsman who 
 slipped handcuffs upon the wrists of bride 
 and groom, then lost the key, and the em- 
 barrassed couple had to wait for their 
 train, chained together, until a file could 
 be procured, by which time their train had 
 left. Such forms of buffoonery may be 
 diverting to the perpetrator; they cer- 
 tainly are not amusing to the sufferers. 
 
 65
 
 VI 
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 There is about a church wedding a for- 
 mality that is dispensed with at a home 
 ceremony. The cards of invitation may 
 be engraved in the same form as those de- 
 scribed in the last chapter, but the church 
 at which the marriage is to take place is 
 mentioned instead of the residence of the 
 bride's parents. If in a large city where 
 curiosity seekers are likely to crowd into 
 the edifice, it is customary to inclose with 
 the card of invitation a small card to be 
 presented at the door. Only bearers of 
 these bits of pasteboard are admitted. 
 With the invitations may be cards for the 
 reception or the wedding-breakfast to fol- 
 low the ceremony. These cards demand 
 acceptances or regrets. 
 66
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 The matter of wedding gifts will be 
 dealt with in the chapter on gifts in gen- 
 eral. 
 
 The decorations for a church wedding 
 are elaborate. As a rule, one color-scheme 
 is chosen, and carried out through all the 
 arrangements. For example, the coloring 
 is pink and white, and if the wedding is in 
 the autumn, chrysanthemums can be the 
 chosen flowers, if in the summer, roses. 
 The matter of decorations is usually put 
 into the hands of a florist. 
 
 White satin ribbon is stretched across 
 the pews to be occupied by the members of 
 the two families and to these pews the 
 destined occupants are conducted by the 
 ushers a short time before the bridal party 
 enters the edifice. 
 
 At a large and elaborate wedding six 
 or eight ushers are often needed. Besides 
 these there is an equal number of brides- 
 maids, a maid of honor and a best man. 
 67
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 The best man, the groom, and the clergy- 
 man enter the church by the vestry door, 
 and await at the altar the coming of the 
 bride and her attendants. The organ, 
 which has been playing for some moments, 
 announces the arrival of the wedding 
 party by the opening strains of the wed- 
 ding march. 
 
 When the carriages containing the 
 party arrive at the church door the ushers 
 go down the canopy-covered walk and 
 help the girls to alight, convey them into 
 the vestibule, and close the outer doors of 
 the church while the procession forms. 
 Then the inside doors are thrown open and 
 as the organ peals forth the wedding 
 march, the procession passes up the aisle 
 with the painfully slow walk that Fashion 
 decrees as the proper gait for funerals 
 and weddings. First, come the ushers, two 
 by two, next, the bridesmaids in pairs, then 
 the maid of honor, walking alone, and 
 68
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 the bride on the arm of her father, or other 
 masculine relative if her father is not liv- 
 ing. As the altar is reached the ushers 
 divide, half the number going to the right, 
 the other half to the left, then the brides- 
 maids do the same, passing in front of the 
 ushers and forming a portion of a circle 
 nearer the altar. The maid of honor stands 
 near the bride, on her left hand, and the 
 best man stands near the groom's right. 
 The groom, stepping forward to meet the 
 bride, takes her hand and leads her to their 
 place in front of the clergyman, the father 
 remaining standing a little in the rear of 
 the bride and to one side until that portion 
 of the service is reached when the clergy- 
 man asks, "Who giveth this woman to be 
 married to this man?" He then takes his 
 daughter's hand, and, laying it in the hand 
 of the groom, replies, "I do." After 
 this he steps quietly down from the 
 chancel and takes his place in the pew with 
 69
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 his wife, or the other members of the f am- 
 
 y. 
 
 The maid of honor, standing near the 
 bride, holds her bouquet and takes her 
 glove when the ring is put on, and con- 
 tinues to hold them until after the bene- 
 diction, which the bridal pair kneels to re- 
 ceive. Then the organ again sounds the 
 wedding march, and the guests remain 
 standing as the party assembled at the 
 altar moves down the aisle. First, comes 
 the bride on her husband's arm, then the 
 best man and the maid of honor together, 
 then the ushers and the bridesmaids, each 
 girl on the arm of an usher. After that 
 the family of the bride and groom leaves. 
 The bridal party is driven directly to the 
 home of the bride's parents where the wed- 
 ding-breakfast is served or, if a reception 
 follows the wedding, where the bride 
 awaits the arrival of her guests. 
 
 The dress for the bride married in day- 
 70
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 light is the same as for an evening wed- 
 ding, the trained white gown with lace or 
 tulle veil being the conventional garb for 
 a wedding at all times and places. The 
 same is true of the costumes of the brides- 
 maids and maid of honor. These are se- 
 lected by the bride. At one pink-and- 
 white wedding the bridesmaids wore pink 
 dresses with pink picture hats, while the 
 maid of honor wore a gown of palest 
 green with hat to match, hers being the 
 only touch of any color but pink in the as- 
 sembly, and serving to accentuate the gen- 
 eral rose-like scheme. The bridesmaids' 
 bouquets are of flowers to harmonize with 
 their costumes. The bride's bouquet is al- 
 ways white, bride roses being favorites for 
 this purpose. 
 
 At a day wedding the groom wears a 
 frock coat, light gray trousers, white 
 waistcoat, white satin or silk tie, and pat- 
 ent leather shoes. Of course, the only hat 
 71
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 permissible with a frock coat is a high silk 
 one. The gloves are white, or pale gray. 
 The ushers' dress is the same except that 
 their ties need not be white. 
 
 At an evening wedding full dress is, of 
 course, necessary. Then the groom wears 
 his dress suit, white waistcoat, white lawn 
 tie and white gloves. The ushers are 
 dressed in the same manner. 
 
 It is customary for the bride to give her 
 bridesmaids some little gift. This may be 
 a stick-pin or brooch bearing the inter- 
 twined initials of the bridal pair, and this 
 pin is usually worn by the recipient at the 
 wedding. 
 
 The bride and groom with the brides- 
 maids stand together at the end of the 
 drawing-room to receive the guests. An 
 usher meets each guest at his, or her ar- 
 rival, and, offering his arm, escorts the 
 new-comer to the bridal pair, asking for 
 the name as he does so. This name he re- 
 72
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 peats distinctly on reaching the bride 
 who extends her hand in greeting, and re- 
 ceives congratulations. The groom is then 
 congratulated, and the guest straightway 
 makes room for the next comer. 
 
 One is often asked what should be said 
 to the newly-married pair, what form 
 congratulations should take, and so on. 
 Stilted phrases are at all times to be 
 avoided, and the greeting should be as 
 simple and straightforward as possible. 
 It is good form to wish the bride happi- 
 ness, while the groom is congratulated. 
 Thus one says to the bride, "I hope you 
 will be very happy, and I am sure you 
 will." And to the groom one may say, 
 "You do not need to be told how much 
 you are to be congratulated, for you know 
 it already. Still I do want to say that I 
 congratulate you from my heart." 
 
 A pretty custom followed by some 
 brides is that of turning, when half-way 
 73
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 up the stairs, after the reception or break- 
 fast is over, untying the ribbon fastening 
 the bouquet together, and scattering the 
 flowers thus released among the men wait- 
 ing in the hall below. This disposes of the 
 wedding bouquet which one seldom has 
 the heart to throw away, and yet which one 
 can not keep satisfactorily. 
 
 If gifts are displayed at a reception, it 
 should be in an upper room, and all cards 
 should be removed. The bride may keep 
 a list of her presents and of the donors, 
 but to display cards gives an opportunity 
 for invidious comparisons. 
 
 The tables for the wedding-breakfast 
 may be placed about the drawing-rooms, 
 and the guests are seated informally at 
 them. The only exception to this rule is 
 the bride's table at which the bridal party 
 sits. As artificial lights are usually used 
 at elaborate functions, even at high noon, 
 pretty candelabra are upon each table - 
 74
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 Or, if preferred, fairy lamps may take 
 the place of the candelabra. 
 
 The menu for the wedding-breakfast 
 may consist of grape-fruit with Maras- 
 chino cherries, or of oyster cocktails, or of 
 clams on the half -shell, as a first course; 
 next, hot clam bouillon (unless clams 
 have already been served) or chicken 
 bouillon; fish in some form, as fish cro- 
 quettes with oyster-crab sauce ; sweetbread 
 pates with green pease ; broiled chicken or 
 French chops with potato croquettes or 
 with Parisian potatoes; punch frappe; 
 game with salad; ices, cakes, coffee. If 
 wines are used, champagne is served with 
 the breakfast. 
 
 The breakfast over, the bride slips away 
 quietly, to change her dress for the wed- 
 ding journey, and departs as after a home 
 wedding. 
 
 The guests at a wedding-breakfast 
 must call on the mother of the bride 
 76
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 within three weeks after the marriage. 
 They will, of course, call on the bride 
 on one of her "At Home" days, the dates 
 of which are given with the wedding in- 
 vitations or with the announcement cards. 
 Announcement cards are issued imme- 
 diately after the wedding, so must be 
 addressed and stamped ready to be mailed 
 several days before the ceremony. The 
 text usually used is this : 
 
 "Mr. and Mrs. William Edwin Burn- 
 ham announce the marriage of their 
 daughter, Eleanor Fair, to Mr. John 
 Langdon Morse, on Tuesday, the eighth 
 of December, one thousand nine hundred 
 and five, at St. Michael's Church, Daven- 
 port, Iowa." 
 
 Another form that is sometimes used is 
 the following : 
 
 "Married, Wednesday, October elev- 
 enth, 1903; Florence Archer and John 
 Staunton, 1019 Penn Street, Philadel- 
 phia." 
 
 76
 
 THE CHURCH WEDDING 
 
 This last form is seldom used except in 
 cases where the bride is so unfortunate as 
 to have no relatives in whose names she 
 may announce her marriage. 
 
 With the announcement cards may be 
 inclosed another card bearing the dates 
 of the bride's "At Home" days, and the 
 hours at which she will receive. Announce- 
 ment cards are usually issued after a small 
 or private wedding to which only a limited 
 number of guests have been invited. If 
 the wedding has been large or was fol- 
 lowed by a large reception to which all 
 one's calling acquaintances may be bid- 
 den, the announcement cards are unneces- 
 sary and the "At Home" cards are issued 
 with the invitations to the marriage, or are 
 sent out after the bride returns from her 
 trip. 
 
 77
 
 VII 
 
 THE DEBUTANTE 
 
 A clever young girl, when asked by an 
 acquaintance if she had "come out" yet, 
 answered, "I didn't come out. I just 
 leaked out." Doubtless this states the 
 case, in a somewhat slangy manner, for 
 a large number of young women who, 
 gradually and without any set function to 
 serve as introduction, take their places in 
 society. Even for them, however, the year 
 following the close of school duties marks 
 a change in their relation to the social 
 world, while the distinction is much em- 
 phasized in the case of young girls to 
 whom the affairs of balls, receptions, teas, 
 and calls are a novelty. The date of a 
 girl's formal entrance into the larger 
 world marks her individual recognition in 
 78
 
 THE DEBUTANTE 
 
 that world. Before this time she has been 
 a person without social responsibility, not 
 accountable in the social sense. She has 
 been considered in relation to her family, 
 perhaps. Now she stands for herself. She 
 is an object of some curiosity to the pub- 
 lic, and the pleasures and duties to which 
 she falls heir deserve some special men- 
 tion. 
 
 The age at which a girl makes her for- 
 mal appearance on the scene of society 
 varies in different places and with varying 
 conditions. It is rarely under eighteen, 
 seldom over twenty-two, the first being the 
 age at which a girl not desirous of ex- 
 tended education escapes, usually, from 
 the school-room, the second being the aver- 
 age age of graduation for the college girl. 
 A girl younger than eighteen is com- 
 monly too immature to be considered an 
 interesting member of society, and a cer- 
 tain degree of absurdity attaches to the 
 79
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 idea of introducing to the world a girl 
 older than the age last mentioned. 
 
 The special function by which a young 
 woman's family signalizes her entrance to 
 society varies little in different places. In 
 many cities the custom is for the family of 
 the debutante and also for the friends of 
 the family to give some entertainment in 
 her honor. A dinner, a luncheon, a tea, a 
 theater party, any one of these festivi- 
 ties is a proper manner of announcing 
 one's interest in the new member of so- 
 ciety and of emphasizing her arrival. 
 
 Everything should be done to facilitate 
 for her an extension of acquaintance 
 among those whom it is desirable she 
 should know. It is said that a number of 
 years ago when telephones were a luxury 
 instead of being, as now, a necessity, in 
 southern cities, the advent of the debu- 
 tante in a house meant always the addition 
 of a name to the telephone directory. This 
 80
 
 THE DEBUTANTE 
 
 is a somewhat extravagant and florid com- 
 ment on the idea advanced. But it will 
 serve as an illustration. Particularly is it 
 desirable that the debutante should become 
 acquainted with the older members of the 
 society in which she moves. She is now 
 not only a part of the particular set to 
 which her age assigns her; she is also a 
 part of that larger society to which many 
 ages belong. Her attitude on this ques- 
 tion distinguishes her as well-bred or ill- 
 bred. There is nothing more crass and 
 crude than the young girl who has no eyes 
 or ears for anybody out of the particular 
 set of young people to which she belongs. 
 It is the mark of the plebeian. 
 
 The clothes of the debutante are a mat- 
 ter of importance and her wardrobe 
 should be carefully planned. It is natural 
 that she should wish to look pretty and, as 
 youth itself makes for beauty, given good 
 health and the usual number of features 
 81
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 properly distributed, there is no reason 
 why she should not so appear, if some dis- 
 cretion be exercised in the selection of her 
 clothes. It does not lie within the province 
 of this book to stipulate in detail concern- 
 ing the outfit necessary for this happy re- 
 sult. The purpose of this paragraph is 
 to insist on simplicity of style in the 
 gowns chosen for a girl's first year in so- 
 ciety. Elaborate styles and heavy ma- 
 terials are opposed to the quality of a 
 young girl's beauty. They kill the loveli- 
 ness which it is their object to bring 
 out. All her clothes should be made with r 
 out perceptible elaboration. In ball- 
 gowns she should be careful to select 
 light, diaphanous materials, materials 
 that she can wear at no other time of life 
 to such advantage. Of party gowns she 
 should have a number. Three or four 
 frocks of thin, inexpensive materials are 
 far better, if a choice be necessary, than 
 82
 
 THE DEBUTANTE 
 
 one heavy silk or satin. They are more be- 
 coming and the number of them guaran- 
 tees to their owner perfect freshness and 
 daintiness of appearance. A soiled, be- 
 draggled ball-gown is a sorry sight on 
 anybody. It looks particularly ill on a 
 young person whose age entitles her to be 
 compared to lilies and roses. 
 
 If the truth be told, despite the gaiety 
 and the novelty of a girl's first year in so- 
 ciety, it is not usually so pleasant a year 
 as her second. She has much to learn, and 
 it is the exceptional girl who does not feel 
 a little awkward in her new position. She 
 is prone to exaggerate the importance of 
 small social blunders, and trifles, light as 
 air, occupy a disproportionate place in her 
 horizon. A certain timidity, the result of 
 her unaccustomed position, is characteris- 
 tic of her. This timidity shows itself 
 either in a stiffness that modifies consider- 
 ably her proper charm, or in an unnatural 
 88
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 bravado of manner, the reverse of pleas- 
 ing. "Why are you so down on debu- 
 tantes?" the writer of this chapter asked 
 of an accomplished young society man. 
 "Because they think it's clever to be rude," 
 was the answer. The desire to be very apt, 
 to be "on the spot" and "all there," as the 
 slang phrase has it, this is often at the 
 bottom of the apparent rudeness of the 
 young girl. She does not care to show her 
 newness. As a bride wishes it to seem that 
 she has always been married, so a debu- 
 tante likes to present the appearance of 
 thorough familiarity with the ground up- 
 on which she has just arrived. 
 
 Nothing will assist the debutante to 
 self-control and a surer footing so much 
 as contact with people who are somewhat 
 older than herself and who have gained 
 a proper perspective. From them she will 
 learn to be less self-conscious, and this 
 means to be happier and mope interesting. 
 84
 
 VIII 
 
 THE CHAPERON 
 
 In some parts of America the chaperon 
 is, like Sairey Gamp's interesting friend, 
 "Mrs. Harris," a mere figment of the 
 imagination. Nowhere in America does 
 she occupy the perfectly-defined position 
 that she holds in Europe; nowhere in 
 America are her duties so arduous as those 
 imposed on her in older countries. The 
 necessity of a chaperon for young people 
 on all occasions offends the taste of the 
 American. It is even opposed to his code 
 of good manners. That a young woman 
 should never be able in her father's house 
 to receive, without a guardian, the young 
 men of her acquaintance, is alien to the 
 average American's ideal of good breed- 
 ing and of independence in friendship. 
 85
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 In addition, his sense of humor sets down 
 constant attendance on the very young 
 as a bore and wearisome in the extreme. 
 
 Because of these prejudices current 
 concerning the idea of chaperonage, be- 
 cause of this flippant mode of considering 
 the subject, characteristically American, it 
 is all the more necessary that the line 
 should be sharply drawn as to the occa- 
 sions where the consensus of usage and 
 good sense declares a chaperon to be indis- 
 pensable. The sense of the best American 
 conventionalities, broadly speaking, is 
 that a young woman may have greater 
 liberty in her father's house than else- 
 where. A young man who frequents a 
 house for the purpose of calling on a 
 young woman should be on terms with the 
 members of her family, but it is not taken 
 for granted that he must spend every min- 
 ute of his visits in their presence, or that 
 the young woman should feel that she is 
 86
 
 THE CHAPERON 
 
 acting unconventionally in receiving his 
 calls by herself. It is unconventional, 
 however, for her to take with him long 
 evening drives without a chaperon, or to 
 go on any sort of prolonged outdoor ex- 
 cursion, be the party large or small, with- 
 out a chaperon. Driving parties, fishing 
 parties, country-club parties, sailing par- 
 ties, picnics of every kind, here the 
 chaperon is indispensable. ~No one can tell 
 what accidents or delays may occur at fes- 
 tivities of this kind that might render a 
 prolonged absence embarrassing and awk- 
 ward without the presence of the chap- 
 eron. 
 
 A personal and individual chaperon for 
 every young girl is not necessary at a ball. 
 It is expedient, however, that there should 
 be some one present who, on demand, can 
 act in that capacity for her, some mar- 
 ried woman with whom she may sit out a 
 dance, if she be not provided with a part- 
 87
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ner, or consult in any of the small difficul- 
 ties possible to the occasion. If a young 
 woman attend a ball in company with her 
 mother or some other friend directly re- 
 sponsible for her, she should return each 
 time, after a dance, to a seat occupied by 
 her chaperon and should direct her several 
 partners to find her there. In case she 
 dances with any one unknown to her chap- 
 eron, it goes perhaps without saying that 
 the man in the case should be presented 
 properly to the friend in charge of her. 
 
 The custom as to chaperonage at the 
 theater differs according to locality. In 
 the East a man who asks a young woman 
 to go with him to the opera or the play, 
 often invites her mother or some feminine 
 married friend to accompany them. In 
 the West this usage is not so common. 
 Those who do not observe it are not re- 
 garded as outside the pale of good form. 
 
 The duties of a chaperon are somewhat 
 
 88
 
 THE CHAPERON 
 
 various, and more or less arduous, accord- 
 ing to the quality of those chaperoned. 
 These duties depend so largely upon cir- 
 cumstances that they are not easily classi- 
 fied. It is, of course, the part of the chap- 
 eron to smooth over awkward situations, 
 to arrange and make smooth the path of 
 pleasure. It is the duty of the chaperoned 
 to agree without demur to whatever the 
 chaperon may suggest. On any debatable 
 point her decision must be regarded as 
 final. 
 
 In the case of outdoor excursions she 
 should fix the hour of departure to and 
 from the place of festivity; she should 
 group the guests for the journey there 
 and back, and should designate their po- 
 sitions at the table if a meal or refresh- 
 ments be served. The duty of the chap- 
 eroned, is, in return, to make the position 
 of chaperon as agreeable as possible, to de- 
 fer to her in every way. The favor, in the
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 case of chaperonage, is conferred by the 
 chaperon, though the actions of certain 
 crude young people are no recognition of 
 this fact. A case in point occurs to the 
 writer where a young man and his wife 
 were asked to chaperon a party of young 
 people to a popular rendezvous twelve or 
 fourteen miles from the city in which they 
 lived. The married people, after much 
 urging, consented with some reluctance, 
 thereby sacrificing a cherished plan of 
 their own. Going and coming they were 
 asked to take the back seat, which they 
 occupied by themselves, a seat over the 
 wheels of the large vehicle provided. Dur- 
 ing the country supper they sat at one end 
 of the table where their presence was con- 
 versationally ignored. When the time 
 came for returning home the married man 
 was approached by one of the originators 
 of the party, who said that the affair was 
 a "Dutch treat," and would he (the mar- 
 90
 
 THE CHAPERON 
 
 ried man) please pay his share of the bill. 
 This is, of course, an exaggerated case, 
 but in a gross way it is illustrative of the 
 lack of consideration often incident to the 
 relation between chaperon and chaper- 
 oned. That the obligation to the chaperon 
 should be properly recognized is an im- 
 portant part of social training.
 
 IX 
 
 MAKING AND RECEIVING GIFTS 
 
 Wedding gifts may be sent any time 
 after the wedding cards are issued. They 
 are sent to the bride, and may be as ex- 
 pensive and elaborate, or as simple and 
 inexpensive, as the means of the sender 
 make proper. An invitation to a church 
 wedding, and not to the reception, pre- 
 cludes the necessity of making a wedding- 
 present. Indeed the matter of wedding- 
 presents admits of more freedom each 
 year and many people make it a rule to 
 send gifts only to intimate friends and 
 relatives. Perhaps this state of affairs has 
 been brought about by the fact that 
 among a certain, or uncertain, class, 
 invitations were sometimes issued with the 
 special purpose of calling forth a number 
 92
 
 GIFTS 
 
 of presents, in fact, for revenue only. 
 Few persons acknowledged this of them- 
 selves, but sometimes a bride was met who 
 was so indiscreet or so void of taste as to 
 confess her hope that all the persons whom 
 she invited to her nuptials would be repre- 
 sented by remembrances in gold, silver, 
 jewelry or napery. The pendulum has 
 swung as far in the opposite direction, and 
 fewer wedding gifts than of old are sent 
 from politeness alone. 
 
 Suitable gifts for a bride are silver, 
 cut-glass, table-linen, pictures, books, 
 handsome chairs or tables, rugs, bric-a- 
 brac and jewelry. In fact, anything for 
 the new home is proper. It is not cus- 
 tomary to send wearing apparel, except 
 when this is given by some member of the 
 bride's family. A check made out to the 
 bride is always a handsome gift. The 
 parents of the wife-to-be frequently give 
 the small silver. 
 
 93
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 How the silver should be marked is 
 a disputed question. Good form demands 
 that if the donor wishes to have his gift 
 marked, it must be engraved with the 
 bride's maiden initials. Some persons are 
 so thoughtful that they send silver with 
 the request that it be returned after the 
 ceremony by the bride for marking as she 
 sees fit. She then returns it to the firm 
 from which it was bought, said firm hav- 
 ing received an order from the donor to 
 engrave it according to the owner's wishes. 
 
 Still, if silver must be given marked, it 
 is safe to have the initials of the bride put 
 upon it. Even should she die, good taste 
 and conventionality would forbid the use 
 of her silver by the second wife, should 
 there be one. While on this melancholy 
 side of the subject it would be well to state 
 that when a wife dies, leaving a child, 
 and the husband remarries, her silver is 
 packed away for the child's use in future 
 94
 
 GIFTS 
 
 years. This is demanded by custom and 
 conventionality. This rule is especially to 
 be regarded if the child be a girl, as she 
 then has a right to the mother's silver, 
 marked with that mother's name. 
 
 A wedding gift is accompanied by the 
 donor's card, usually inclosed in a tiny 
 card-envelop. As soon as possible, the 
 bride-to-be writes a personal letter of 
 thanks. This must be cordial, and in the 
 first person, somewhat in this form: 
 
 "425 Cedar Terrace, Milton, Pa. 
 My Dear Mrs. Hamilton : 
 
 The beautiful picture sent by Mr. 
 Hamilton and yourself has just arrived, 
 and I hasten to thank you for your kind 
 thought of me. The subject is one of 
 which I am especially fond, and the pic- 
 ture will do much toward making attrac- 
 tive the walls of our little home. It will 
 always serve to remind Mr. Allen and 
 myself of you and Mr. Hamilton. 
 Gratefully yours, 
 
 Mary Brown. 
 
 June nineteenth, nineteen hundred and 
 five," 
 
 95.
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 If a gift arrives so late that it can not 
 be acknowledged before the wedding, the 
 wife must write as soon as possible after 
 the ceremony, even during the first days 
 of her honeymoon. To neglect to do this 
 is an unpardonable rudeness. 
 
 The wedding gifts may be displayed in 
 a room by themselves on the wedding- 
 day, but must not be accompanied by the 
 cards of the donors. In spite of argu- 
 ments pro and con, it is certainly in better 
 taste to remove the cards before the exhi- 
 bition. If there are so many presents that 
 there is any danger of the bride's forget- 
 ting from whom the different articles 
 came, let some member of the family keep 
 a list, or take an inventory, before the 
 cards are taken off. Some persons attach 
 to each gift a tiny slip of paper bearing a 
 number. In a little book is a correspond- 
 ing number after which is written the 
 name of the sender. 
 
 96
 
 GIFTS 
 
 The rules that apply to wedding-pres- 
 ents apply also to the gifts sent at wed- 
 ding anniversaries, be they wooden, tin, 
 crystal, silver or golden anniversaries. 
 
 Engagement presents are frequently 
 sent to the fiancee, but this is entirely a 
 matter of taste or inclination, and is not 
 demanded by fashion or conventionality. 
 Contributions to linen showers may be 
 included among the engagement gifts. 
 The fashion of such "showers" is ephem- 
 eral, a fact not to be regretted. 
 
 A word or more is not out of place con- 
 cerning the kind of gifts that a young 
 man may make with propriety to a young 
 woman with whom he is on agreeable 
 terms. Flowers, books, candy, these are 
 gifts that he may make without offense, 
 and she may receive without undue or un- 
 pleasant sense of obligation. If he be an 
 old and intimate friend of her family, he 
 may offer her small trinkets, or orna- 
 97
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 mental, semi-useful articles, such as a 
 card-case, or a bonbonniere. Anything in- 
 tended solely for use is proscribed. If a 
 young man is engaged to a young woman 
 the possible choice of gifts is, of course, 
 much enlarged. Even then, however, very 
 expensive gifts are not desirable. They 
 lessen somewhat the charm of the relation 
 between the two. 
 
 When a baby is born, the friends of the 
 happy mother send her some article for 
 the new arrival. It may be a dainty dress 
 or flannel skirt, a cloak, cap, or tiny bit of 
 jewelry. These gifts the young mother is 
 not supposed to acknowledge until she is 
 strong enough to write letters without 
 fear of weariness. As a rule some mem- 
 ber of her family writes in her stead, ex- 
 pressing the mother's thanks for the 
 dainty gifts. 
 
 When a baby is christened, it is cus- 
 tomary for the sponsors to make the little 
 98
 
 GIFTS 
 
 one a present. This is usually a piece of 
 silver, as a cup, or bowl, marked with the 
 child's name ; or a silver spoon, knife and 
 fork may be given. The godparents give, 
 as a rule, something that will prove dur- 
 able, or a gift that the child may keep all 
 his life, rather than an article of wearing- 
 apparel. 
 
 A guest invited to a christening-party 
 may bring a gift, if he wishes to do so. 
 This may be anything that fancy dictates. 
 A pretty present for such an occasion is a 
 "Record" or "Baby's Biography," hand- 
 somely bound and illustrated, containing 
 blanks for the little one's weight at birth 
 and each succeeding year, for the record 
 of his first tooth, the first word uttered, 
 the first step taken, and so on, as well as 
 spaces for the insertion of a lock of the 
 baby-hair, progressive photographs, and 
 other trifles dear to the mother's heart. All 
 .christening gifts may be verbally ac- 
 99
 
 knowledged by the mother when the guest 
 presents them. 
 
 The custom of making Christmas pres- 
 ents is so universal that it would seem 
 superfluous to offer any suggestion with 
 regard to them, had not the dear old cus- 
 tom been so abused that the lovers of 
 Christmas must utter their protest. It 
 should be borne in mind that the only 
 thing that makes a Christmas gift worth 
 while is the thought that accompanies it. 
 When it is given because policy, habit, or 
 conventionality demands it, it is a dese- 
 cration of the good old custom. If we 
 must make any presents from a sense of 
 duty, let it be on birthdays, on wedding- 
 days, on other anniversaries, never on 
 the anniversary of the Great Gift to the 
 World. If the spirit of good-will to man 
 does not prompt the giving, that giving 
 is in vain. Nor should a present at this 
 time be sent simply because one expects to 
 100
 
 GIFTS 
 
 receive a reminder in the shape of a pres- 
 ent from a friend. A quid pro quo is not 
 a true Christmas remembrance. 
 
 Let us suppose then, that the making 
 of holiday presents is a pleasure. To sim- 
 plify matters we would suggest that 
 those who have a large circle of friends to 
 whom they rejoice to give presents retain 
 over to another year the list made the year 
 previous. Not only will this keep in mind 
 the person whom they would remember, 
 but it will prevent duplicating presents. 
 One woman learned to her dismay that for 
 two years she had sent the same picture, 
 a favorite with her, to a dear friend, 
 while another sent a friend a silver button- 
 hook for three consecutive Christmases. 
 
 All gifts, those of the holiday season 
 included, should be promptly acknow- 
 ledged, and never by a card marked 
 "Thanks." If a present is worth any ac- 
 knowledgment, it is worth courteous no- 
 
 101
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 tice. When one says "Thank you!" either 
 verbally or by letter, it should be uttered 
 with sincerity, and from the heart. To 
 omit the expression of cordial gratitude 
 is a breach of good breeding. 
 
 102
 
 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 
 
 The day is past when the bachelor is 
 supposed to have no home, no mode of en- 
 tertaining his friends, no lares and pen- 
 ates, and no "ain fireside." He is now an 
 independent householder, keeping house 
 if he choose to do so, with a corps of effi- 
 cient" servants, presided over by a compe- 
 tent housekeeper, or, in a simpler man- 
 ner having a small apartment of his own, 
 attended by a man-servant or maid, if he 
 take his meals in this apartment. Oftener, 
 however, he prefers to dispense with 
 housekeeping cares and live in a tiny 
 apartment of two or three rooms, going 
 out to a restaurant for his meals. He is 
 then the most independent of creatures. 
 If he can afford to have a man to take 
 
 103
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 jcare of his rooms and his clothes, well and 
 'good. If not, he pays a woman to come in 
 regularly to clean his apartment, and she 
 takes charge of his bed-making and dust- 
 ing or, if he be very deft, systematic 
 and industrious, he does this kind of 
 thing himself. 
 
 In any of the cases just cited he is at 
 liberty to entertain. He may have an aft- 
 ernoon tea, or a reception, or an after- 
 theater chafing-dish supper. Unless he 
 has his own suite of dining-room, kitchen 
 and butler's pantry, he can not serve a 
 regular meal in his rooms. But there are 
 many informal, Bohemian affairs to 
 which he can invite his friends. For the 
 after-theater supper, for instance, he may 
 engage a man to assist him and to have 
 everything in readiness when the host and 
 his party arrive at the apartment. The 
 host, himself, will prepare the chafing- 
 dish dainty, and with this may be passed 
 
 104
 
 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 
 
 articles supplied by a near-by caterer, 
 such as sandwiches, ices and cakes. He 
 may make his own coffee in a Vienna 
 coffee-pot. The whole proceeding is de- 
 lightful, informal, and Bohemian in the 
 best sense of the word. 
 
 A sine qua non to all bachelor entertain- 
 ing is a chaperon. The married woman 
 can not be dispensed with on such occa- 
 sions. The host may be gray-headed and 
 old enough to be a grandfather many 
 times over, but, as an unmarried man, he 
 must have a chaperon for his women- 
 guests. If he object to this, he must recon- 
 cile himself to entertaining only those of 
 his own sex. 
 
 The age of this essential appendage to 
 the social party makes no difference, so 
 long as the prefix "Mrs." is attached to 
 her name. She may be a bride of only a 
 few weeks' standing, but the fact that 
 she is married is the essential. 
 
 105
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 The would-be host, then, first of all, en- 
 gages his chaperon, asking her as a fa- 
 vor to assist him in his hospitable efforts. 
 She should accept graciously, but the man 
 will show by his manner that he is honored 
 by her undertaking this office for him. She 
 must be promptly at his rooms at the hour 
 mentioned, as it would be the height of 
 impropriety for one of the young women 
 to arrive there before the matron. If she 
 prefer she may accompany a bevy of the 
 girls invited. To her the host defers, from 
 her he asks advice, and to her he pays 
 special deference. If there is tea to be 
 poured, as at an afternoon function, it is 
 she who is asked to do it, and she may, with 
 a pretty air of assuming responsibility, 
 manage affairs somewhat as if in her own 
 home, still remembering that she is a 
 guest. In this matter tact and a know- 
 ledge of the ways of the world play a 
 large part. The chaperon is bound to re- 
 106
 
 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 
 
 main until the last girl takes her depar- 
 ture, after which it is quite en regie for 
 the host to offer his escort, unless she ac- 
 companies the last guest, or a carriage be 
 awaiting her. The host thanks her cor- 
 dially for her kind offices, and she in turn 
 expresses herself as honored by the com- 
 pliment he has paid her. 
 
 Perhaps the simplest form of enter- 
 tainment for the unmarried man to give 
 in his own quarters is the afternoon tea 
 in some of its various forms. For this 
 function the man must not issue cards, 
 but must write personal notes, or ask his 
 guests verbally. It is well for him to in- 
 vite several friends who will supply music, 
 as this breaks up the monotony. If he 
 have some friend who is especially gifted 
 musically, and whom he would gladly 
 bring before the eyes of the public, he may 
 make the presence of this friend an ex- 
 cellent reason for his afternoon reception. 
 107
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 After having secured the chaperon's ac- 
 ceptance he may write some such note as 
 the following: 
 
 "My dear Miss Brown: 
 
 I shall be delighted if you, with a few 
 other choice spirits, will take tea with me 
 in my apartment next Tuesday afternoon 
 about four o'clock. I shall have with me 
 at that time my friend, Mr. Frank Mer- 
 rill, who sings, I think, passing well. I 
 want my friends who appreciate music 
 and to whom his voice will give pleasure 
 to hear him in my rooms at the time men- 
 tioned. Do come! 
 
 Henry B arbour. 
 August 10, 1905." 
 
 There should, if possible, be a maid, or 
 a man in livery to attend the door at this 
 time, but, if this is not practicable, and the 
 affair be very informal, the host may him- 
 self admit his guests, and escort them to 
 the door when they leave. 
 
 The only refreshments necessary are 
 thin bread-and-butter, and some dainty 
 
 108
 
 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 
 
 sandwiches, small cakes and tea with 
 sugar, cream, and thin slices of lemon. 
 These things are arranged upon a prettily- 
 set table in one corner of the room, and 
 are presided over by the chaperon, who 
 also, when the opportunity affords, moves 
 about among the guests, chatting to each 
 and all as if she were in her own drawing- 
 room. If the man have several rooms, one 
 may be opened as a dressing-room in 
 which the women may lay their wraps. 
 The men-guests may leave their coats 
 and hats on the hall table or rack. 
 
 When the guests depart it is pretty and 
 deferential for the host to thank the 
 women for making his apartment bright 
 and attractive for the afternoon. It is 
 always well for a man to show by his man- 
 ner that his woman-guest has honored him 
 by her presence. 
 
 An evening reception may be conducted 
 along the same lines, but at this time 
 109
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 coffee and chocolate take the place of tea. 
 Or, if the host prefer, he may serve only 
 cake and coffee, or punch, or ices in ad- 
 dition to the cake and coffee. 
 
 If a bachelor be also a householder to 
 the extent of running a regular menage, 
 he may give a dinner in his home just as 
 a woman might. He first engages his 
 chaperon, then invites his guests. The 
 chaperon is the guest of honor, is taken 
 out to dinner by the host and sits at his 
 right. It is also her place to make the 
 move for the women to leave the men to 
 their cigars and coffee, and proceed to the 
 drawing-room. Here, after a very few 
 minutes, the women are joined by the men 
 or, at all events, by the host, who may, if 
 he like, give his men-guests permission to 
 linger in the dining-room a little longer 
 than he does. They will, however, not take 
 long advantage of this permission, but, 
 at the expiration of five or ten minutes, 
 no
 
 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 
 
 will follow their host to the drawing- 
 room. 
 
 The man who can not entertain in his 
 own rooms may return any hospitality 
 shown to him by giving a supper or dinner 
 at a restaurant or hotel. In this case he 
 must still have a chaperon, if the party 
 is to be made up of unmarried persons. 
 For such an affair as this he engages his 
 table and orders the dinner beforehand, 
 seeing for himself that the flowers and 
 decorations chosen are just what he wishes. 
 It is his place to escort the chaperon to 
 the restaurant and to seat her at his right. 
 Everything is so perfectly conducted at 
 well-regulated restaurants that the course 
 of the dinner will progress without the 
 host's concerning himself about it. This 
 is certainly the luxury of entertaining. 
 If, however, the host wishes to give an or- 
 der, he should beckon to a waiter, and, in 
 a low tone, make the necessary suggestion, 
 in
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 or give the requisite order. It is, at such 
 a juncture, the part of the chaperon to 
 keep the conversational ball rolling, in 
 short, to act as if she were hostess. 
 
 The dinner over, the host escorts his 
 guests as far as the door of the restaurant, 
 going to the various carriages with the 
 women, then calls up the chaperon's car- 
 riage and, himself, accompanies her to her 
 home. 
 
 At a bachelor dinner the host may pro- 
 vide corsage bouquets for the ladies and 
 boutonnieres for the men. It is also a 
 pretty compliment for him to send to the 
 chaperon at his afternoon or evening re- 
 ception, flowers for her to wear. But this 
 is not essential, and is a compliment that 
 may be dispensed with in the case of a man 
 who must consider the small economies of 
 life. 
 
 Of course, no dinner-call is made on 
 the bachelor entertainer. It is hardly 
 112
 
 BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 
 
 worth while to suggest that the women 
 whom he has honored make a point of soon 
 inviting him to their homes. In this day 
 there is little need to remind women of the 
 attentions they may with propriety pay to 
 an eligible and unattached man. 
 
 113
 
 XI 
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 An invitation to visit a friend in her 
 home must always be answered promptly. 
 The invited person should think seriously 
 before accepting such an invitation, and, 
 unfortunately, one of the things she has to 
 consider is her wardrobe. If the would-be 
 hostess has a superb house, and the guest 
 is to be one of many, all wealthy except 
 herself, all handsomely-gowned except 
 herself, and if she will feel like an 
 English sparrow in a flock of birds of 
 paradise, she would better acknowledge 
 the invitation, with gratitude, and stay at 
 home. If she does go, let her determine 
 to make no apologies for her appearance, 
 but to accomodate herself to the ways of 
 the household she visits. 
 
 114,
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 One woman, visiting in a handsome 
 home, was distressed to the point of weep- 
 ing by the fact that, on her arrival, her 
 hostess' maid came to the guest's room 
 and unpacked her trunk for her, putting 
 the contents in bureau-drawers and ward- 
 robe. It would have been better form if 
 the visitor had taken what seemed to her 
 an innovation as a matter of course, and 
 expressed neither chagrin nor distress at 
 the kindly-meant attention. 
 
 If, then, our invited person, after tak- 
 ing all things into consideration, decide 
 to accept the invitation sent to her, let her 
 state just when she is coming, and go at 
 that time. Of course she will make her 
 plans agree with those of her future host- 
 ess. The exact train should be named, and 
 the schedule set must not be deviated from. 
 
 It may be said right here that no one 
 should make a visit uninvited. Few per- 
 sons would do this, but some few have 
 
 115
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 been guilty of this breach of etiquette. 
 One need not always wait for an invita- 
 tion from an intimate friend, or member 
 of one's family with whom one can never 
 be de trop, but, even then, one should, by 
 telegram or telephone, give notice of one's 
 coming. If I could, I would make a rule 
 that no one should pay an unexpected visit 
 of several days' duration. If one must go 
 uninvited, one should give the prospective 
 hosts ample notice of the intended visit, 
 begging, at the same time, that one may 
 be notified if the suggested plan be incon- 
 venient. 
 
 When a letter of invitation is accepted, 
 the acceptance must not only be prompt, 
 but must clearly state how long one in- 
 tends to stay. It is embarrassing to a 
 hostess not to know whether her guest 
 means to remain a few days or many. As 
 will be seen in the chapter on "The Vis- 
 ited," the hostess can do much to obviate 
 116
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 this uncertainty by asking a friend for a 
 visit of a specified length. But, in accept- 
 ing, the guest must also say how long she 
 will remain. 
 
 An invitation should be received grate- 
 fully. In few things does breeding show 
 more than in the manner of acknowledg- 
 ing an invitation to a friend's house. She 
 who asks another to be a member of her 
 household for even a short time is paying 
 the person asked the greatest honor it is 
 in her power to confer, and it should be 
 appreciated by the recipient. He who does 
 not appreciate the honor implied in such 
 an invitation is unmannerly. When one 
 is so devoid of the sense of what is proper 
 as to accept this honor grudgingly, the 
 would-be hostess has cast her pearls be- 
 fore swine. 
 
 An invitation once accepted, nothing 
 but such a serious contingency as illness 
 must prevent one's f ulfilling the engage- 
 117
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ment. As has been said, one must never 
 arrive ahead of time. Once in the home 
 of a friend the guest makes herself as 
 much a member of the household as pos- 
 sible. The hours of meals must be as- 
 certained, and promptness in everything 
 be the rule. To lie in bed after one is 
 called, and to appear at the breakfast- 
 table at one's own sweet will, is often an 
 inconvenience to the hostess, and the cause 
 of vexation and discontent on the part of 
 the servants, for which discontent the host- 
 ess, not the guest, pays the penalty. 
 Unless, then, the latter is told expressly 
 that the hour at which she descends to the 
 first meal of the day is truly of no conse- 
 quence in the household, she must come 
 into the breakfast-room at the hour named 
 by the mistress of the house. 
 
 On the other hand, she should not come 
 down a half-hour before breakfast and sit 
 in the drawing-room or library, thus keep- 
 
 118
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 ing the maid or hostess from dusting these 
 rooms and setting them to rights. She 
 will stay in her own room until breakfast 
 is announced, then descend immediately. 
 
 If amusements have been planned for 
 the guest, she will do her best to enjoy 
 them, or, at all events, to show gratitude 
 for the kind intentions in her behalf. She 
 must resolve to evince an interest in all 
 that is done, and, if she can not join in the 
 amusements, to give evidence of an ap- 
 preciation of the efforts that have been 
 made to entertain. The guest must re- 
 member that the hosts are doing their best 
 to please her, and that out of ordinary 
 humanity, if not civility, gratitude should 
 be shown and expressed for these en- 
 deavors. 
 
 If the hostess be a busy housewife, who 
 
 has many duties about the house which 
 
 she must perform herself, the visitor may 
 
 occasionally try to "lend a hand" by dust- 
 
 119
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ing her own room or making her own bed. 
 If, however, she is discovered at these 
 tasks, and observes that the hostess looks 
 worried, or objects to the guest thus ex- 
 erting herself, it is the truest courtesy not 
 to repeat the efforts to be of assistance. 
 It disturbs some housewives to know that 
 a visitor is performing any household 
 tasks. 
 
 It is a safe rule to say that a guest 
 should go home at the time set unless the 
 hostess urges her to do otherwise, or has 
 some excellent reason for wishing her to 
 change her plans. To remain beyond the 
 time expected is very often a great mis- 
 take, unless one knows that it will be a 
 genuine convenience to the hosts to have 
 one stay. The old saying that a guest 
 should not make a host twice glad has 
 sound common sense as its basis. If a vis- 
 itor is persuaded to extend her visit, it 
 must be only for a short time, and she 
 
 120
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 must herself set the limit of this stay, at 
 which time nothing must in any way be al- 
 lowed to deter her from taking her de- 
 parture. 
 
 The visitor in a family must exercise 
 tact in many ways. Above all she must 
 avoid any participation in little discussions 
 between persons in the family. If the fa- 
 ther takes one side of an argument, the 
 mother the other, the wise guest will keep 
 silent, unless one or the other appeal to 
 her for confirmation of his or her asser- 
 tions, in which case she should smilingly 
 say that she would rather not express an 
 opinion, or laugh the matter off in such 
 a way as to change the current of the con- 
 versation. 
 
 Another thing that a guest must avoid 
 is reproving the children of the house in 
 even the mildest, gentlest way. She must 
 also resist the impulse to make an audible 
 excuse for a child when he is reprimanded 
 
 121
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 in her presence. To do either of these 
 things is a breach of etiquette. 
 
 If she be so fortunate as to be invited 
 to a house-party or a week-end party, she 
 should accept or decline at once, that the 
 hostess may know for how many people 
 to provide rooms. For such an affair one 
 should take handsome gowns, as a good 
 deal of festivity and dress is customary 
 among the jolly group thus brought to- 
 gether. A dinner or evening gown is es- 
 sential, and, if, as is customary, the house- 
 party be given at a country-home, the vis- 
 itor must have a short walking-skirt and 
 walking-boots, as well as a carriage cos- 
 tume. 
 
 Once a member of a house-party, the 
 rule is simple enough. Do as the others 
 do, and enter with a will on all the enter- 
 tainment provided by the host and hostess 
 for the party. 
 
 If you make a visit of any length you 
 
 122
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 must not fail to leave a little money for 
 each servant who has, by her services in 
 any capacity, contributed to your com- 
 fort. This will, of course, include the maid 
 who has cared for the bedroom, and the 
 waitress. By one of these servants send 
 something to the cook, and a message of 
 thanks for the good things w r hich she has 
 made and you have enjoyed. The laun- 
 dress need not be inevitably remembered, 
 unless she has done a little washing for 
 you; still, when one considers the extra 
 bed and table linen to be washed, it is as 
 well to leave a half dollar for her also. 
 The amount of such fees must be deter- 
 mined by the length of your purse; and 
 must never be so large as to appear lavish 
 and unnecessary. A dollar, if you can 
 afford it and have made a visit of any 
 length, will be sufficient for each maid. 
 The coachman who drives you to the train 
 must receive the same amount. 
 
 123
 
 EVERYDAY-ETIQUETTE 
 
 After the guest has returned to her own 
 home, her duties toward her recent hosts 
 are not at an end until she has written 
 what is slangily known as "the bread-and- 
 butter letter." This is simply a note, tell- 
 ing of one's safe arrival at one's destina- 
 tion, and thanking the late hostess for the 
 pleasant visit one has had. A few lines are 
 all that etiquette demands, but it requires 
 these, and decrees that they be despatched 
 at once. To neglect to write the letter de- 
 manded by those twin sisters, Convention- 
 ality and Courtesy, is a grave breach of the 
 etiquette of the visitor. 
 
 Hospitality as a duty has been written 
 up from the beginning of human life. 
 The obligations of those who, in quaint 
 old English phrase, "guesten" with neigh- 
 bors, or strangers, have had so little at- 
 tention it is no wonder they are lightly 
 considered, in comparison. 
 
 We hear much of men who play the host 
 
 124
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 royally, and of the perfect hostess. If 
 hospitality be reckoned among the fine 
 arts and moral virtues, to "guesten" aright 
 is a saving social grace. Where ten ex- 
 cellent hosts are found we are fortunate 
 if we meet one guest who knows his busi- 
 ness and does it. 
 
 The consciousness of this neglected fact 
 prompts us to write in connection with 
 our cardinal virtue of giving, of what 
 we must perforce coin a word to define as 
 "Guestly Etiquette." We have said else- 
 where that the first, and oftentimes a hu- 
 miliating step, in the acquisition of all 
 knowledge, from making a pudding to 
 governing an empire, is to learn how not 
 to do it. Two-thirds of the people who 
 "guesten" with us never get beyond the 
 initiatory step. 
 
 The writer of this page could give from 
 memory a list that would cover pages of 
 foolscap, of people who called themselves 
 
 125
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 well-bred and who were in the main, well- 
 meaning, who have deported themselves in 
 hospitable homes as if they were regis- 
 tered boarders in a hotel. 
 
 Settle within your own mind, in enter- 
 ing your friend's doors, that what you re- 
 ceive is not to be paid for in dollars and 
 cents. The thought will deprive you at 
 once of the right to complain or to criti- 
 cize. This should be a self-evident law. 
 It is so far, however, from being self-evi- 
 dent that it is violated every day and in 
 scores of homes where refinement is sup- 
 posed to regulate social usages. 
 
 Taking at random illustrations that 
 crowd in on memories of my own ex- 
 periences, let me draw into line the dis- 
 tinguished clergyman who always brought 
 his own bread to the table, informing me 
 that my hot muffins were "rank poison to 
 any rightly-appointed stomach"; another 
 man as distinguished in another profession 
 126
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 who summoned a chambermaid at eleven 
 o'clock at night to drag his bed across the 
 room that he might lie due east and west; 
 an author who never went to bed until two 
 o'clock in the morning, and complained 
 sourly at breakfast time that "your ser- 
 vants, madam, banked up the furnace fire 
 so early that the house got cold by mid- 
 night"; the popular musician who in- 
 formed me "your piano is horribly out of 
 tune"; the man and wife who "couldn't 
 sleep a wink because there was a mosquito 
 in the room"; the eminent jurist who sat 
 out an evening in the library of my coun- 
 try-house with his hat on because "the 
 room was draf ty" ; ah ! my fellow house- 
 mothers can match every instance of the 
 lack of the guestly conscience by stories 
 from their own repositories. 
 
 The guest who is told to consider him- 
 self as one of the family knows the in- 
 vitation to be a figure of polite speech as 
 17
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 well as he who says it knows it to be an 
 empty form. One man I wot of sings 
 and whistles in the halls and upon the 
 stairs of his host's house to show how joy- 
 fully he is at home. Another stretches 
 himself at length upon the library sofa, 
 and smokes the cigar of peace (to him- 
 self) at all hours, an ash-cup upon the 
 floor within easy distance. A third helps 
 himself to his host's cigars whenever he 
 likes without saying "by your leave." 
 Each may fancy that he is following out 
 the hospitable intentions of his entertain- 
 ers when, in fact, he is selfishly oblivious 
 of guestly duty and propriety. 
 
 One who has given the subject more 
 than a passing thought might suppose it 
 unnecessary to lay down to well-bred read- 
 ers "Laws for Table Manners While Vis- 
 iting." Yet, when I saw a man of excel- 
 lent lineage, and a university graduate, 
 thump his empty tumbler on the table to 
 
 128
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 attract the attention of the waitress, and 
 heard him a few minutes later, call out to 
 her "Butter please!" I wished that the 
 study of such a manual had been included 
 as a regular course in the college curric- 
 ulum. 
 
 A true anecdote recurs to me here that 
 may soothe national pride with the know- 
 ledge that the solecisms I have described 
 and others that have not added to the 
 traveled American's reputation for breed- 
 ing, are not confined to our side of the 
 ocean. 
 
 Lord and Lady B , names familiar 
 some years back to the students of the 
 "high-life" columns of our papers, were 
 at a dinner-party in New York with an 
 acquaintance of mine who painted the 
 
 scene for me. Lady B , tasting her 
 
 soup as soon as it was set down in front 
 of her, calls to her husband at the other 
 iend of the table: "B , my dear! Don't
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 eat this soup ! It is quite filthy! There are 
 tomatoes in it!" 
 
 We Americans are less brutally frank 
 than our English cousins. Yet I thought 
 of Lady B last week when my vis-a- 
 vis, a slim, pretty, accomplished matron 
 of thirty, or thereabouts at an admir- 
 ably-appointed family dinner, accepted a 
 plate of soup, tasted it, laid down her 
 spoon and did not touch it again, repeat- 
 ing the action with an entree, and with the 
 dessert of peaches and cream. She did not 
 grimace her distaste of any one of the 
 three articles of food, it is true, being, 
 thus far, better-mannered than our titled 
 vulgarian. In effect she implied the same 
 thing by tasting of each portion and de- 
 clining to eat more than the tentative 
 mouthful. 
 
 To sum up our table of rules : Bethink 
 yourself, from your entrance to your exit 
 from your host's house, of the sure way 
 
 130
 
 THE VISITOR 
 
 of adding to the comfort and pleasure of 
 those who have honored you by inviting 
 you to sojourn under their roof -tree. If 
 possessed of the true spirit of hospitality, 
 they will find that pleasure in promoting 
 yours. Learn from them and be not one 
 whit behind them in the good work. If 
 they propose any especial form of amuse- 
 ment, fall in with their plans readily and 
 cordially. You may not enjoy a stately 
 drive through dusty roads behind fat 
 family horses, or a tramp over briery fields 
 with the hostess who is addicted to berry- 
 ing and botanizing but go as if that were 
 the exact bent of taste and desire. A din- 
 ner-party, made up of men who talk busi- 
 ness and nothing else, and their over- 
 dressed wives, who revel in the discussion 
 of what Mrs. Sherwood calls "The Three 
 Dreadful D's" Disease, Dress and Do- 
 mestics may typify to you the acme of 
 boredom. Comport yourself as if you 
 
 131
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 were in your native element and happy 
 there. The self -discipline will be a means 
 of grace in more ways than one. 
 
 On Sunday accompany your hosts to 
 their place of worship with the same cheer- 
 ful readiness to like what they like. You 
 may be a High Church Episcopalian and 
 they belong to the broadest wing of 
 Unitarians or the straitest sect of Evan- 
 gelicals. Put prejudice and personal 
 preference behind you and find consola- 
 tion in the serene conviction of guestly 
 duty done and done in a truly Christian 
 spirit.
 
 XII 
 
 THE VISITED 
 
 It has been said, and with an un- 
 fortunate amount of truth, that the gra- 
 cious, old-fashioned art of hospitality is 
 dying out. Those who keep open house 
 from year's end to year's end, from whose 
 doors the latch-string floats in the breeze, 
 ready for the fingers of any friend who 
 will grasp it, are few. 
 
 The "entertaining" that is done now 
 does not compensate us for the loss of 
 what may be called the "latch-string-out" 
 custom of the days gone by. Luncheons, 
 teas, dinners, card-parties, receptions and 
 the like, fill the days with engagements 
 and hold our eyes waking until the morn- 
 ing hours, but this is a kind of wholesale 
 hospitality as it were, and done by con-
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 tract. Such affairs remind one ludicrously 
 of the irreligious and historic farmer-boy 
 who, reminiscent of his father's long- 
 winded "grace before meat," suggested 
 when they salted the pork for the winter 
 that he "say grace over the whole barrel" 
 and pay off a disagreeable obligation all 
 at one time. 
 
 Perhaps if our hostess were frank she 
 would acknowledge a similar desire when 
 she sends out cards by the hundreds and 
 fills her drawing-rooms to overflowing 
 with guests, scores of whom care to come 
 even less than she cares to have them. But 
 there seems to be a credit and debit ac- 
 count kept, and once in so often it is in- 
 cumbent on the society woman to "give 
 something." Florists and caterers are 
 called to her aid, and, with waiters and as- 
 sistants hired for the occasion, take the 
 work of preparation for the entertain- 
 ment off my lady's hands. 
 134
 
 THE VISITED 
 
 In speaking of hospitality in this chap- 
 ter, we refer especially to the entertain- 
 ing of a visitor for one, or many days in 
 the home. Let us put the blame where 
 it belongs and aver that there are reasons 
 for the decline of hospitality in this coun- 
 try, and that the greatest of these is 
 SERVANTS ! Not long ago we made a point 
 of asking several housekeepers why they 
 did not invite friends to visit them. Three 
 out of four interviewed on the subject 
 agreed that the servants were the main 
 drawback. The fourth woman, who was in 
 moderate circumstances, confessed that 
 she did not want guests unless she could 
 "entertain them handsomely." 
 
 To obviate the first-mentioned difficulty 
 every housekeeper should, when engaging 
 a servant, declare boldly that she receives 
 her friends at will, in her home, and have 
 that fact understood from the outset of 
 Bridget's or Gretchen's career with her. 
 
 135
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 As to the reason given by the fourth 
 housekeeper, it is too contemptible to be 
 considered by a sensible woman. Our 
 guests come to see us for ourselves, not for 
 the beauty of our houses, or for the ele- 
 gance of our manner of living. The 
 woman whose house is clean and furnished 
 as her means permit, who sets her table 
 with the best that she can provide for her 
 own dear ones, is always prepared for 
 company. There may be times when the 
 unlooked-for coming of a guest is an in- 
 convenience. It should never be the cause 
 of a moment's mortification. Only pre- 
 tense, and seeming to be what one is not, 
 need cause a sensation of shame. If a 
 friend comes, put another plate at the 
 table, and take him into the sanctum sanc- 
 torum the home. With such a welcome 
 the simplest home is dignified. 
 
 But as to the invited guest. The would- 
 be hostess knows when she wishes to re- 
 
 136
 
 THE VISITED 
 
 ceive her friend, and, in a cordial invita- 
 tion, states the exact date upon which she 
 has decided, giving the hour of the ar- 
 rival of trains, and saying that she or some 
 member of her family will meet the guest 
 at the station. One who has ever arrived 
 at a strange locality, "unmet," knows the 
 peculiar sinking of heart caused by the 
 neglect of this simple duty on the part of 
 the hostess. 
 
 The letter of invitation should also 
 state how long the visitor is expected to 
 stay. This may be easily done by writing 
 
 "Will you come to us on the twenty- 
 first and stay for a week?" or, "We want 
 you to make us a fortnight's visit, coming 
 on the fifteenth." If one can honestly add 
 to an invitation, "We hope that you may 
 be able to extend the time set, as we want 
 to keep you as long as possible," it may 
 be done. If not meant, the insincere 
 phrase is inexcusable. 
 
 137
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Elaborate preparations should be avoid- 
 ed preparations that weary the hostess 
 and try the tempers of servants. The 
 guest-chamber will be clean, sweet and 
 dainty. No matter how competent a 
 chambermaid is, the mistress must see for 
 herself that sheets, pillow-slips and towels 
 are spotless, and that there are no dusty 
 corners in the room. If the visitor be a 
 woman, and flowers are in season, a vase 
 of favorite blossoms will be placed on the 
 dressing-table. The desk or writing- 
 table will be supplied with paper, envelops, 
 pens, ink, and even stamps. Several in- 
 teresting novels or magazines should be 
 within reach. All these trifles add to the 
 home-like feeling of the new arrival. 
 
 A welcome should be cordial and hon- 
 est. A hostess should take time to warm 
 her guest's heart by telling her that she is 
 glad, genuinely glad, to have her in her 
 home. She should also do all she can to 
 
 138
 
 THE VISITED 
 
 make the visitor forget that she is away 
 from her own house. 
 
 All this done, the guest should be let 
 alone! We mean this, strange as it may 
 seem. Many well-meaning hostesses 
 annoy guests by following them up 
 and by insisting that they shall be "doing 
 something" all the time. This is almost as 
 wearing and depressing as neglect would 
 be. Each person wants to be alone a part 
 of the time. A visitor is no exception 
 to this rule. She has letters to write, or 
 an interesting book she wants to read, or, 
 if she needs the rest and change her visit 
 should bring her, it will be luxury to her 
 to don a wrapper and loll on the couch or 
 bed in her room for an hour or two a day. 
 The thought that one's hostess is noting 
 and wondering at one's absence from the 
 drawing-room, where one is expected to 
 be on exhibition, is akin to torture to a 
 nervous person. 
 
 139
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Provide a certain amount of entertain- 
 ment for the visitor in the way of out- 
 door exercise (if she likes it), callers, 
 amusements and so forth, and then 
 (again!) in plain English, let her alone! 
 
 One must never insist that a guest re- 
 main beyond the time set for her return, 
 if the guest declares sincerely that to re- 
 main longer is inadvisable. To speed the 
 parting guest is an item of true hospital- 
 ity. The hostess may beg her to stay 
 when she feels that the visitor can con- 
 veniently do so, and when her manner 
 shows that she desires to do so. But when 
 the suggestion has been firmly and grate- 
 fully declined, the matter should be 
 dropped. A guest who feels that she must 
 return to her home for business, family or 
 private reasons, is embarrassed by the in- 
 sistence on the part of her entertainers 
 that such return is unnecessary. 
 
 Of course, the visitor in one's house 
 
 140
 
 THE VISITED 
 
 should be spared all possible expense. The 
 porter who brings the trunk should be 
 paid by the host, unless the guest forestalls 
 him in his hospitable intention. Car- fares, 
 hack-hire and such things, are paid by the 
 members of the family visited. All these 
 things should be done so unobtrusively as 
 to escape, if possible, the notice of the per- 
 son entertained. 
 
 No matter what happens should there 
 be illness and even death in the family 
 a hospitable person will not allow the 
 stranger within her gates to feel that she 
 is in the way, or her presence an incon- 
 venience. There is no greater cruelty 
 than that of allowing a guest in the home 
 to feel that matters would run more 
 smoothly were she absent. Only better 
 breeding on the part of the visitor than is 
 possessed by her hostess will prevent her 
 leaving the house and returning to her 
 home. Should sudden illness in the family 
 
 141
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 occur, the considerate person will leave. 
 But this must be permitted only under 
 protest. To invite a friend to one's house, 
 and then seem to find her presence unwel- 
 come is only a degree less cruel than con- 
 fining a bird in a cage, where he can 
 not forage for himself, and slowly starv- 
 ing him. If one has not the hospitable in- 
 stinct developed strongly enough to feel 
 the right sentiment, let him feign it, or 
 refuse to attempt to entertain friends. 
 The person under one's roof should be, for 
 the time, a sacred object, and the host who 
 does not feel this is altogether lacking in 
 the finer instincts that accompany good 
 breeding. 
 
 We know one home in which hospitality 
 is dispensed in a way no guest ever for- 
 gets. From the time the visitor enters the 
 doors of this House Beautiful she is, as 
 it were, enwrapped in an atmosphere of 
 loving consideration impossible to de- 
 
 142
 
 THE VISITED 
 
 scribe. One guest, visiting there with her 
 children, was horrified at their being taken 
 suddenly ill with grippe, so ill that to 
 travel with them just then was dangerous. 
 She was hundreds of miles away from 
 home with the possibility of the children's 
 being confined to the house for some days 
 to come. The physician summoned con- 
 firmed her fears. The distressed mother 
 knew only too well what an inconvenience 
 illness is, especially in a friend's house 
 instead of in one's own home. 
 
 All the members of the household 
 united in making the disconcerted woman 
 feel that this home was the one and only 
 place in which the little ones should have 
 been seized with the prevailing epidemic; 
 that it was a pleasure to have them there 
 under any circumstances; that to wait on 
 them and their mother was a privilege. 
 The sweet-voiced, sweet-faced hostess, 
 herself an invalid at this time, drew the 
 
 143
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 anxious visitor down on the bed beside her 
 and kissed her as she said : 
 
 "Dear child! try to believe that you and 
 yours are as welcome here as in your own 
 dear mother's home." 
 
 Surely of such is the Kingdom of 
 Heaven!
 
 XIII 
 
 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 
 
 If ours were a perfect state of society, 
 constructed on the Golden Rule, ani- 
 mated and guided throughout by unself- 
 ish love for friend and neighbor, and 
 charity for the needy, there would be no 
 propriety in writing this chapter. Home, 
 domestic comfort and happiness being our 
 best earthly possessions, we would be ea- 
 gerly willing to share them with others. 
 
 As society is constructed under a state 
 of artificial civilization, and as our homes 
 are kept and our households are run, the 
 element of duty must interfere, or hos- 
 pitality would become a lost art. Even 
 where the spirit of this one of the most 
 venerable of virtues is not wanting, con- 
 science is called in to regulate the manner 
 
 145
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 and the seasons in which it should be ex- 
 ercised. 
 
 As a corner-stone, assume, once for all, 
 that a binding obligation rests on you 
 to visit, and to receive visits, and to enter- 
 tain friends, acquaintances and strangers 
 in a style consistent with your means, at 
 such times as may be consistent with more 
 serious engagements. 
 
 It may sound harsh to assert that you 
 have no right to accept hospitality for 
 which you can never make any return in 
 kind. The principle is, nevertheless, 
 sound to the core. 
 
 Those who read the newspapers forty 
 years ago will recall a characteristic inci- 
 dent in the early life of Colonel Ells- 
 worth, the brilliant young lawyer who was 
 one of the first notable victims of the Civil 
 War. His struggles to gain a foothold in 
 his profession were attended by many 
 hardships and humiliating privations. 
 
 146
 
 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 
 
 Once, finding the man he was looking for 
 on a matter of business, in a restaurant, 
 he was invited to partake of the luncheon 
 to which his acquaintance was just sitting 
 down. Ellsworth was ravenously hungry, 
 almost starving, in fact, but he declined 
 courteously but firmly, asking permission 
 to talk over the business that had brought 
 him thither, while the other went on with 
 the meal. 
 
 The brave young fellow, in telling the 
 story in after years, confessed that he suf- 
 ferred positive agony at the sight and 
 smell of the tempting food. 
 
 "I could not, in honor, accept hospital- 
 ity I could not reciprocate," was his simple 
 explanation of his refusal. "I might 
 starve, I could not sponge 1" 
 
 Sponging to put it plainly is pau- 
 perism. The one who eats of your bread 
 and salt becomes, in his own eyes not in 
 yours your debtor. For the very genius 
 147
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 of hospitality is to give, not expecting to 
 receive again. (This by the way!) 
 
 I do not mean if your wealthy acquaint- 
 ance invites you to a fifteen-course din- 
 ner, the cost of which equals your monthly 
 income, that you are in honor or duty 
 bound to bid her to an entertainment as 
 elaborate, or that you suffer in her estima- 
 tion, or by the loss of your self-respect. 
 But by the acceptance of the invitation 
 you bind yourself to reciprocation of some 
 sort. If you can do nothing more, ask 
 your hostess to afternoon tea in your own 
 house or flat, and have a few congenial 
 spirits to meet her there. It is the spirit 
 in such a case that makes alive and keeps 
 alive the genial glow of good-will and 
 cordial friendliness. The letter of com- 
 mercial obligation, like for like, in degree, 
 and not in kind, would kill true hospi- 
 tality. 
 
 Your friend's friend, introduced by 
 
 148
 
 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 
 
 him and calling on you, has a proved claim 
 on your social offices. If you can not 
 make a special entertainment for him, ask 
 him to a family dinner, explaining that it 
 is such, and make up in kindly welcome 
 for the lack of lordly cheer. If it be a 
 woman, invite her to luncheon with you 
 and a friend or two, or to a drive, winding 
 up with afternoon tea in some of the 
 quietly elegant tea-rooms that seem to 
 have been devised for the express use of 
 people of generous impulses and slender 
 purses. It is not the cost in coin of the 
 realm that tells with the stranger, but the 
 temper in which the tribute is offered. 
 
 "I do not 'entertain' in the sense in 
 which the word is generally used," wrote 
 a distinguished woman to me once, hear- 
 ing that I was to be in her neighborhood. 
 "But I can not let you pass me by. Come 
 on Thursday, and lunch with me, en tete- 
 a-tete"
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 I accepted gladly, and the memory of 
 that meal, elegant in simplicity, shared 
 with one whom my soul delights to honor, 
 is as an apple of gold set in a picture of 
 silver. 
 
 The stranger, as such, has a Scriptural 
 claim on you, when circumstances make 
 him your neighbor. In thousands of 
 homes since the day when Abraham ran 
 from his tent-door to constrain the thirst- 
 ing and hungering travelers to accept 
 such rest and refreshment as he could 
 offer them during the heat of the day, 
 angels have been entertained unawares in 
 the guise of strangerhood. 
 
 "Did you know the B 's before they 
 
 came to our town?" asked an inquisitive 
 New Englander of one of her near neigh- 
 bors. 
 
 "No." 
 
 "Then you won't mind my asking 
 you? why did you invite them to dinner 
 
 150
 
 HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 
 
 on Thanksgiving Day? It's made a deal 
 of talk." 
 
 Abraham's disciple smiled. 
 
 "Because they were strangers, and 
 seemed to be lonely. They are respect- 
 able and they live on my street." 
 
 Poetical justice requires me to add that 
 the B -'s, who became the lifelong 
 friends of their first hostess in the strange 
 land, proved to be people of distinction 
 whom the best citizens of the exclusive lit- 
 tle town soon vied with one another in 
 "cultivating." In ignorance of their ante- 
 cedents the imitator of the tent-holder of 
 Mamre did her duty from the purest of 
 motives. 
 
 Not one individual or one family has a 
 moral or a social right to neglect the prac- 
 tice of hospitality. Unless one is con- 
 fined to the house or bed by illness, one 
 should visit and invite visits in return. 
 
 We are human beings, not hermit crabs. 
 
 151
 
 XIV 
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 The observance of mourning is a diffi- 
 cult matter to treat, for individual feeling 
 enters largely into the question. Still, 
 there are certain rules accepted by those 
 who would not be made remarkable by 
 their scorn of conventionalities. 
 
 The matter of mourning-cards and sta- 
 tionery has been treated in the chapter on 
 "Calls and Cards," and on "Letter- Writ- 
 ing." A word may here be added with 
 regard to the letter of condolence. This 
 should be written to the bereaved person 
 as soon as practicable after the death for 
 which she mourns. It must not be long, 
 but should express in a few sincere words 
 the sympathy felt, and the wish to do 
 something to help alleviate the mourner's 
 
 152
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 distress. This letter does not demand an 
 answer, but some persons try, some weeks 
 after such letters have been received, to 
 reply to them. This is not really neces- 
 sary, except when the writer is a near 
 friend of the family. In many cases, a 
 black-edged card bearing the words, 
 "Thanks for your kind sympathy," is 
 mailed to the writer. 
 
 If one does not write a letter, one may 
 send to or leave at the house of mourning 
 a card, bearing the words, "Sincere sym- 
 pathy" upon it. 
 
 It is now customary to accompany the 
 funeral notice in the daily papers with the 
 sentence, "Kindly omit flowers." This is 
 especially customary when the deceased is 
 a well-known or popular person. To send 
 flowers after the appearance of such a 
 notice is the height of rudeness and shows 
 little respect to the dead and none for the 
 family. There are many funerals at 
 
 153
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 which flowers are a burden, there is such 
 a profusion of them. Not only is it neces- 
 sary to have a special coach to transport 
 the huge floral emblems to the cemetery, 
 but there they soon fade, leaving the wire 
 forms to rust and become an eyesore until 
 the caretaker of the section removes them. 
 It is far better, if one does send flowers, 
 to let them be bunches of loose blossoms, 
 which may be strewn over the grave, and 
 which, in fading, will not leave a hideous 
 skeleton of stained wire to torture the 
 sight of the first visitors to the newly- 
 made grave. If there are more of these 
 blossoms than can be taken to the cem- 
 etery, those left may be sent to the in- 
 mates of hospitals, who need not know 
 that they were intended for a funeral. If 
 the request "no flowers" is made publicly, 
 let outsiders leave to the members of the 
 family of the deceased the melancholy 
 privilege of supplying the few choice 
 
 154
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 flowers that accompany their dear one to 
 his last resting-place. It is surely their 
 privilege. 
 
 In attending a funeral, one should be 
 very prompt, and yet not so far ahead of 
 the hour set as to arrive before the final 
 arrangements are completed. At a church 
 or house funeral, one should wait to be 
 seated as the undertaker or his assistant 
 directs. Nor should one ever linger after 
 the services to speak to any members of 
 the family, unless one is particularly re- 
 quested to do so. 
 
 In churches of two denominations it is 
 not customary to have the coffin opened 
 to the public gaze. It is a pity that this 
 law is not universal, but it is becoming 
 more common to have the casket left 
 closed through the entire service. It cer- 
 tainly spares the mourners the agonizing 
 period during which the long line of 
 friends, and strangers who come from 
 
 155
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 vulgar curiosity, file past and look on 
 the unshielded features of the dead. Some 
 one has said that the custom of allowing 
 the curious who did not know the deceased, 
 and who cared nothing for him, to gaze 
 on his face after death, seems to be taking 
 an unfair advantage of the dead. 
 
 Many persons prefer a quiet house fu- 
 neral for one they love, for there are few 
 persons vulgar or bold enough to force 
 themselves into the house of mourning, 
 where only those who knew and loved the 
 departed are supposed to be welcome. 
 
 At a house funeral the clergyman 
 stands at the head of the coffin while he 
 reads the service, the audience standing 
 or sitting as the custom of the special serv- 
 ice used demands. 
 
 At a church funeral, the clergyman 
 meets the coffin at the door and precedes it 
 up the aisle, reading the burial service. 
 As he begins to read, the congregation 
 
 156
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 rises and stands as the procession moves 
 forward. When, after the services, the 
 coffin is lifted by the bearers, the congre- 
 gation again arises and remains standing 
 until the casket has been taken from the 
 church. A private interment, or one at 
 the convenience of the family, is now al- 
 most universal. Unless invited, no out- 
 sider, even if he be a friend of the family, 
 will go to the cemetery under such circum- 
 stances. 
 
 After the funeral, and when one's 
 friends have become accustomed to their 
 sorrow, is the time when grief is the hard- 
 est to bear. It is then that the sympathetic 
 person may do much toward brightening 
 the long and dreary days in the house of 
 mourning. Flowers left at the door oc- 
 casionally, frequent calls, an occasional 
 cheering note, a bright book lent, are a 
 few of the small courtesies that amount 
 to actual benefactions. Only those who 
 157
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 have had to learn to live with a grief 
 that is almost forgotten by others know 
 what such tokens of thoughtful sympathy 
 mean. 
 
 The heaviest mourning demanded by 
 conventionality is worn by a widow, but 
 even she is now allowed to dispense with 
 the heavy crape veil. In its place is the 
 long veil of nun's veiling, which is worn 
 over the face only at the funeral. With it 
 is a face-veil, trimmed with crape, and a 
 white ruche or "widow's cap" stitched in- 
 side of the brim of the small bonnet. The 
 dress is of Henrietta cloth, or other lus- 
 terless material, and may be trimmed with 
 crape. Black suede gloves and black-bor- 
 dered handkerchiefs, if these are liked, 
 are proper. The widow seldom discards 
 her veil under two years, some widows 
 wear it always. After the first year it is 
 shortened. 
 
 It is a matter for congratulation that 
 
 158
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 crape, that most expensive, unwholesome, 
 perishable and inartistic of materials, is 
 worn less and less with each passing year. 
 Surely to have to wrap oneself in its stiff 
 and malodorous folds adds discomfort to 
 grief. It is now seldom worn except by 
 widows, although a daughter may wear it 
 for a parent, a mother for her child. 
 
 The matter of the mourning-veil is one 
 each person must settle for herself, al- 
 though the strictest followers of fashion 
 deprecate its use for any women except 
 widows. Some bereaved daughters and 
 mothers wear it, but not for a long period, 
 seldom longer than six months. 
 
 Mourning for the members of one's im- 
 mediate family may be worn for a year, 
 then lightened. Mourning for a relative- 
 in-law is lightened at the end of three or 
 six months. 
 
 While on this subject it would be well 
 to call attention to the fact that one should 
 159
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 either wear conventional black, or no black 
 at all. For a widow to wear, as a well- 
 known woman did recently, a long veil 
 and gray suede gloves, borders on the 
 ridiculous. Nor should velvet, cut jet, 
 satin and lace be donned by those wearing 
 the insignia of grief. Nor are black-and- 
 white combined deep mourning. They 
 may be worn when the weeds are light- 
 ened, but not when one is wearing the 
 strictly conventional garb of dolor. Even 
 widows may wear all white, but not with 
 black ribbons, unless the heavy black has 
 been laid aside for what may be called the 
 "second stage" of bereavement. At first, 
 all materials either in black or white, must 
 be of dull finish. Dresses may be of nun's 
 veiling, Henrietta cloth, and other un- 
 shining wool fabrics, or of dull, lusterless 
 silks. Simple white muslins, lawns and 
 mulls are proper, but must not be trimmed 
 with laces or embroidered. 
 160
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 For men, black or gray suits, black 
 gloves and ties, and a black band upon the 
 hat, are proper. The tie should be of taf- 
 feta or grosgrain silk, not of satin or fig- 
 ured silk. I would lay especial stress on 
 the poor taste of the recent fad of wear- 
 ing a black band upon the sleeve of a tan 
 coat. If a man is too little grieved, or too 
 poor to buy a black or gray coat, or to 
 have the tan coat dyed black, let him wear 
 it, and dispense with the reminder that he 
 is an object for condolences. The same 
 rule applies to the would-be smart young 
 woman who sports a narrow black strip 
 upon the left arm of her tan rain-coat or 
 walking- jacket. If she can not wear con- 
 ventional and suitable mourning, she 
 would better wear none. 
 
 The matter of the period of time in 
 
 which a mourner should shun society is a 
 
 subject on which one may hesitate to 
 
 express an opinion, as there are too many 
 
 161
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 persons whose views would not coincide 
 with ours. In this case, as in others, one 
 must, to a certain extent, be a rule unto 
 oneself. One who is very sad shrinks nat- 
 urally from going into gay society for the 
 first few months after bereavement. The 
 contrast of the gaiety with the mourner's 
 feelings must, of necessity, cause her pain. 
 To such an one we need suggest no rules. 
 To those less sensitive or less unhappy, it 
 would be well to say that deep black and 
 festive occasions do not form a good com- 
 bination. While one wears crape and a 
 long veil one should shun receptions, opera 
 boxes, teas, and all such places. Later, as 
 one lightens one's mourning, one may at- 
 tend the theater, small functions, and in- 
 formal affairs. Even the very sad may go 
 to the theater when they would shrink 
 from attending an affair at which they 
 would meet strangers and where they 
 would be obliged to laugh and be gay. 
 162
 
 THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 
 
 After the first few months of conven- 
 tional retirement are past the sufferer 
 must decide for herself what she may and 
 may not do. We would add, rather as a 
 suggestion than as a law of etiquette, that 
 the onlooker forbear to judge of the be- 
 havior of the recently-bereaved. The heart 
 knoweth its own bitterness, and if that 
 bitterness can be sweetened by some genial 
 outside influence, let others hesitate to 
 condemn the owner of the heart from 
 seeking that sweetness. Those whom we 
 have lost, if they were worth loving, 
 would be glad to know that our lives were 
 not all dark. 
 
 163
 
 XV 
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 Rules for setting the table change from 
 year to year, so it is not possible to give 
 many directions for laying the board. 
 Fine table-cloth and napkins of pure 
 white are always en regie, and the great- 
 est care must be bestowed upon the proper 
 laundering of these. At the right of each 
 place stand the water glass and the wine 
 glasses, if these last are used. To the 
 right of the plate is the knife, to the left, 
 the fork. The folded napkin is laid on 
 the right-hand side of the knife. The 
 soup and dessert spoons may be placed at 
 the right of the knives, or horizontally 
 across the table at the upper side of the 
 plate. At breakfast and luncheon the 
 bread-and-butter plate, holding a small 
 
 164
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 knife, stands at the end of the forks on the 
 upper left hand side of the place. 
 
 The matter with which we have espe- 
 cially to do just now is the manners of the 
 eater. The table may be simply or elabo- 
 rately laid, as circumstances and taste dic- 
 tate. It goes without saying that every 
 housekeeper will have her board as at- 
 tractive in appearance as possible, and 
 that she will never omit the bowl or vase 
 of flowers from the center of it. If her 
 purse will not allow this decoration in 
 mid-winter she may substitute a potted 
 plant or a vase containing a few sprays 
 of English ivy, or Wandering Jew. 
 
 The men never sit down until the 
 women are seated. Each man draws out 
 for her the chair of the woman who sits 
 next him. Even in the quiet home-life 
 this practice should be observed, and hus- 
 band or sons must always draw from the 
 table the chair in which the wife or mother 
 
 165
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 is to sit, and remain standing until she is 
 seated. As soon as all are at the table the 
 napkin is unfolded and placed across the 
 knees. It need not be opened wide, unless 
 it is a small breakfast or luncheon servi- 
 ette. When the hostess begins to eat, the 
 others follow her example. All food must 
 be eaten slowly, and, above all, noiselessly. 
 Many a fastidious person has had her en- 
 joyment of her soup spoiled by the audi- 
 ble sipping of it by her vis-a-vis or her 
 next neighbor. The soup should be lifted 
 from the plate by an outward sweep of the 
 spoon, and taken quietly from the side, 
 not the tip, of the spoon. It is bad form 
 to break bread or crackers into the soup, 
 and the plate containing the liquid should 
 never be tipped in order to obtain every 
 drop of the contents. 
 
 Fish is not to be touched with the knife. 
 There is reason for this. The cutting of 
 some delicate sea-food with a steel knife 
 166
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 affects the flavor of it, and renders it less 
 delicate. The flesh is so tender that it may 
 be cut with a silver fork, and this is the 
 only implement permitted in its manipu- 
 lation. The same rule applies to salads, 
 which are never, by the followers of con- 
 ventionality, touched with the knife. Let- 
 tuce is, before serving, broken into bits of 
 a convenient size to be carried to the 
 mouth. If this is not done, the eater 
 should cut it with the side of the fork, or 
 fold each bit over into a convenient size 
 for eating. 
 
 It should not be necessary to remind 
 people in this day of decent behavior that 
 the knife must only be used for the pur- 
 pose of cutting the food. When it has 
 fulfilled this duty, being wielded by the 
 right hand, the food being held in place 
 by the fork in the left, the fork is then 
 taken in the right hand, and the knife 
 laid, with the edge turned outward, across 
 167
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 tHe back of the plate. It is generally sup- 
 posed that all classes know the use of the 
 knife, yet in a fashionable restaurant 
 there recently sat a handsomely-attired 
 woman carrying French pease to her 
 mouth with the blade of her knife ! 
 
 It is an atrocity to pile several kinds of 
 food upon the fork, mold them into a 
 small mound with the knife, and then 
 "dump" the load into wide-open jaws. 
 Each kind of viand should be lifted, a 
 small bit at a time, upon the fork. Masti- 
 cation should be absolutely noiseless, and 
 the process conducted with the lips closed. 
 
 Bread, even when hot, may be broken 
 off, a small piece at a time, buttered upon 
 the plate, then eaten. All hot bread should 
 be torn open or broken with the fingers, 
 never cut into bits. To butter a slice of 
 bread by laying it upon the table or, more 
 disgusting still, upon the palm of the 
 hand, is a relic of barbarism. 
 168
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 A mouthful must never be so large as 
 to make it impossible for the eater to 
 speak if a question be addressed to him 
 while he is disposing of it. Nor can too 
 great stress be laid upon the duty of slow 
 eating and thorough mastication of all 
 kinds of food. Not only does it add to the 
 grace of the table-manners, but it pre- 
 vents indigestion. 
 
 Never touch the food on the plate with 
 the fingers, to push it upon the fork. If 
 anything must be used for this purpose, 
 let it be a bit of bread, but, if possible, 
 dispense altogether with assistance of any 
 kind. The fork should be equal to getting 
 up all that is absolutely essential, and 
 comfort does not depend upon securing 
 every particle of meat or vegetables with 
 which the plate is supplied. 
 
 Every year the spoon has fewer uses, 
 and the fork has more. Now, when it is 
 possible, desserts are taken with the fork 
 169
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 where a spoon used to be employed. Pie, 
 cake, ice-cream and firm puddings, with 
 all kinds of fruit, are eaten with the fork. 
 Of course the spoon is still essential for 
 semi-solids, such as custards, creams, and 
 jellies. 
 
 There are a few things which one is al- 
 lowed to eat with the fingers, besides 
 breads of all varieties. Such are Sara- 
 toga chips, olives and small bird-bones, 
 these last to be taken daintily in the fin- 
 ger-tips. It is no longer considered good 
 form to eat asparagus with the fingers, 
 although some very well-bred persons still 
 do it. It is certainly an ugly sight to wit- 
 ness one's opposite neighbor eating as- 
 paragus in this manner. It is possibly not 
 so unattractive as to see him eat corn from 
 the cob. But no better way of disposing 
 of this last vegetable has as yet been in- 
 vented. 
 
 At breakfast, one may drink coffee 
 170
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 with sugar and cream, but when black, or 
 after-dinner coffee is served in a small 
 cup, which is known as a demi-tasse, 
 cream should be omitted. To ask for this 
 when it is not on the table is the height of 
 rudeness. One should learn to drink his 
 after-dinner coffee without cream. Sugar 
 is, of course, permissible. There is sense 
 in this dictate of fashion, as in many of 
 the other rules laid down by this dicta- 
 torial dame. The coffee taken at the end 
 of a hearty meal is intended to act as a 
 "settler" to the repast and to aid the work 
 of digestion. This it does much more 
 easily when clear than when "qualified" 
 with milk or cream. 
 
 After the salad course at a dinner, and 
 before the dessert is brought in, the wait- 
 ress removes the crumbs from the table, 
 using a tray and folded napkin for this 
 purpose. When she does this it is bad 
 form for the guest to lay in the tray any 
 171
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 bits of bread that may be left at his place 
 or to assist the waitress by moving his 
 glass, salt-cellar, or any other article that 
 may be left on the table. A good waitress 
 should remove salt-cellars, pepper-cruets, 
 and such articles, before crumbing the 
 table, leaving only the glasses at each 
 place. It is her business to do all this so 
 quietly and deftly that the guests are 
 scarcely conscious of it. To further this 
 end, let the whole affair be attended to by 
 the waitress, and do not seem to notice any 
 lapses on her part. 
 
 At the end of the meal the finger-bowls 
 are used. The ends of the ringers are 
 dipped in the water, and the lips touched 
 with these; then mouth and hands are 
 wiped upon the napkin which is left, un- 
 folded, at the side of the plate, if one is 
 taking only one meal in the house. If a 
 longer stay is expected, he may watch his 
 hosts to see what they do with their nap- 
 172
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 kins, and follow their example in dispos- 
 ing of his. 
 
 Dinner over, the hostess makes the 
 movement to rise, and she, with the other 
 ladies, proceeds to the parlor. There they 
 are joined later by the gentlemen. At an 
 informal or family dinner, the men and 
 women may leave the table together, the 
 men standing aside to let the women pass 
 out first, and in the drawing-room cigars 
 may be lighted by the men after they have 
 asked permission of the women to smoke. 
 
 All the above rules with regard to the 
 company dinner apply to the family din- 
 ner as well. One can not be too careful in 
 observing the laws of table etiquette in 
 the family circle if one would be at ease 
 in company. 
 
 One warning I would give to the 
 
 hostess or home-maker : Do not apologize 
 
 unless necessary! If a dish is a signal 
 
 failure, say with an apologetic smile that 
 
 173
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 you regret that such a thing was spoiled 
 in the baking, or that you fear the meat is 
 very rare, and, unless the matter can be 
 remedied, let it go at that. You but em- 
 barrass your guests and put them to the 
 disagreeable necessity of reassuring you, 
 if you dwell upon the matter. And if a 
 guest drop a cup, or upset a glass, or have 
 any other accident, he should apologize in 
 a few sincere words, and then say no more 
 about the matter. If he choose to do so, 
 he may, after dinner, speak in an aside to 
 his host, and express his regret at his care- 
 lessness. 
 
 The host should never insist that one be 
 served a second time to any dish after it 
 has been positively declined. To do this is 
 rude and no less disagreeable to the object 
 of the attention because it is kindly meant. 
 At a formal dinner one is not served a 
 second time to any dish, but at an infor- 
 mal dinner, what are called "second 
 
 174
 
 AT TABLE 
 
 helps," are quite permissible and convey 
 a subtle compliment to the hostess. When 
 a plate is sent back to the carver for a 
 fresh supply of meat, the knife and fork 
 should be laid side by side upon it, not 
 held in the hand, as some persons insist. 
 And when one has finished eating, the 
 knife and fork are laid in the same man- 
 ner upon the plate. 
 
 The napkin must never be tucked into 
 the neck of gown or shirt, nor must it be 
 fastened to the belt or the waistcoat-but- 
 ton. After one leaves the nursery one 
 should be able to eat without a bib. 
 
 175
 
 XVI 
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is 
 he," declares the Book of books. And as 
 a man is in his home, so will he be abroad, 
 when the "company manner" rubs off. 
 
 One frequently becomes involved in 
 some quite unexpected circumstance that 
 scratches off the beautiful surface-color- 
 ing, if it be only as deep as the hue on the 
 stained wood. 
 
 The manner that one puts on when one 
 goes into a friend's house, or dons when 
 one is "in company," is what may be called 
 "adjustable courtesy." If it is not made 
 of the best material it seldom fits well. 
 
 Not long ago a friend drove with us by 
 the house of a man whose society manners, 
 when first seen, call forth admiration. 
 176
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 Upon this particular spring afternoon, he 
 sat upon the veranda of his home. As we 
 approached, and he met our glance, he 
 sprang to his feet, bowed low, and re- 
 mained standing until we had passed. 
 
 "What a pretty attention to pay to two 
 women!" we exclaimed. 
 
 Our friend gave a significant shrug, 
 and called our notice to the fact that the 
 man's wife had, before we came by, driven 
 up to the end of the veranda, and that she 
 was, unaided, climbing from a high trap 
 in which she and her two little girls had 
 been driving, while her husband lolled at 
 ease in a steamer chair. It took the pres- 
 ence of a woman who did not belong to 
 him to bring him to his feet. Looking 
 back, after we had passed, we noted that 
 he had again resumed his lounging atti- 
 tude, and that his wife was lifting the 
 second child from the carriage. 
 
 Such is adjustable courtesy! It is not 
 177
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 an everyday garment, and is, conse- 
 quently, only worn to impress strangers. 
 
 No one can afford to do the injustice to 
 his better self of allowing himself to be- 
 come careless toward those with whom he 
 lives, or to neglect the small sweet courte- 
 sies that should be found in the home, 
 if anywhere. It is the home etiquette that 
 makes the public etiquette what it should 
 be. This reminder can not be repeated too 
 often. 
 
 In many houses the men forget to show 
 the respect due to the wife, mother 
 and sisters. Parents should train their 
 sons to stand when a woman enters the 
 room, and to remain standing until she sits 
 down. The considerate husband rises and 
 offers his wife the easy-chair in which he 
 is seated. She, knowing that he is weary 
 after a hard day at the office, will not take 
 the chair, but she will appreciate the little 
 attention, and love him the better for it. 
 178
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 In the same way it is always the place of 
 a man to stand aside and let a woman pass 
 out or into a room before himself. Going 
 down a flight of stairs, the man goes first, 
 so that in case the woman trips, he may 
 catch her. In ascending the steps, she 
 precedes him. 
 
 In the talk on table etiquette, we have 
 touched on many points, but not on 
 certain things that seem too petty to be 
 mentioned, as it is not supposed that per- 
 sons of polite breeding need to be re- 
 minded of them. It is only when one looks 
 in on the home-life of some so-called 
 "nice" people that one feels that perhaps 
 after all to call attention to these points 
 would not be superfluous. 
 
 One of these is the use of the toothpick. 
 To wield this in company is barbarous ; to 
 produce it at table is disgusting. The idea 
 of having a glass full of toothpicks upon 
 the family board is as disagreeably sug- 
 179
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 gestive, and more disgusting, than would 
 be the presence of a bowl of water, 
 flanked on one side by a cake of soap, on 
 the other by a wash-cloth. Cleansing of 
 all parts of the body should take place in 
 the privacy of one's own apartment or in 
 the bath-room. 
 
 Tipping back the chair at table or in 
 company is bad form. One small child 
 was broken of this habit when she lost her 
 balance while swaying backward from the 
 table on the two hind-legs of her chair, 
 and gave her head a furious bump on the 
 floor. Sobbing, she was lifted to her feet, 
 and met the stern gaze of her father. 
 
 "I am very glad," he said, "to see that 
 you are badly enough hurt to be reminded 
 never to tip your chair again. It is rude ! 
 If some grown persons I know had re- 
 ceived a similar lesson in childhood, they 
 might not offend the taste of others as 
 they now do." 
 
 180
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 Taking butter from one's butter-plate 
 with the tip of a fork that has been al- 
 ready in one's mouth is another disagree- 
 able trick. The like may be said of the 
 same way of helping oneself to salt. If a 
 small butter-knife and salt-spoon are not 
 provided, the tip of the knife may be used 
 in their stead. 
 
 Bolting food and pushing back one's 
 chair without the preliminary and apolo- 
 getic "Excuse me!" is the custom of some 
 otherwise estimable householders. It 
 would be better to eat less, if one's time be 
 limited, and eat slowly, as food thus 
 taken in a rush is of small use in the in- 
 ternal economy. A few mouth fids, well 
 masticated, will possibly do more good, 
 and certainly produce less discomfort, 
 than three times as much swallowed in in- 
 digestible chunks. And after the short 
 repast has been partaken of, let the mas- 
 ter of the house set the example of com- 
 
 181
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 mon decency by uttering the conventional 
 "Excuse me!" 
 
 One hopes that it would be a difficult 
 matter to find anybody so far oblivious of 
 ordinary good manners as to clean his 
 nails in the dining-room, but, let us blush 
 to say it! one does meet many men who 
 clean and pare their nails in the presence 
 of family and intimate friends. Perhaps 
 it is due to the fact that a woman does 
 not carry a pocket-knife that she is sel- 
 dom seen doing this. Her manicure in- 
 struments are kept upon her dressing- 
 table, and it is in her own room that she 
 performs this very necessary part of her 
 toilet. Not so her liege lord. After 
 washing his hands up-stairs, he descends, 
 open knife in hand, and, sitting down in 
 drawing-room or library, surrounded by 
 his family, proceeds to perform scaven- 
 ger-work upon his nails. He will some- 
 times file them also, oblivious of the fact 
 
 182
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 that the sound of the file produces a like 
 rasping effect on the nerves of some be- 
 holders. If a contingency arises that 
 makes it necessary for a man to clean his 
 nails in public, or in the presence of his 
 family, let him have the grace to murmur 
 an apology and turn his back during the 
 operation. 
 
 Another rudeness that a man will per- 
 petrate in his own home, from which he 
 would shrink in the home of another per- 
 son, is that of wearing his hat in the pres- 
 ence of women. Every mother should 
 train the small boy of the house to remove 
 his hat as soon as he enters the front (or 
 back) door. To do this will then become 
 second nature, and it would not be proba- 
 ble that he could ever be guilty of the 
 rudeness of standing in hall or parlor and 
 talking to mother, sister or other feminine 
 relative with his hat on his head. One 
 mother at least positively refuses to hear 
 
 183
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 what her little son has to say if he ad- 
 dresses her with his head covered. One 
 may regret that with older men other 
 women have not the like courage of their 
 convictions. A man's hat is so easily re- 
 moved we wonder just why he should 
 leave it on in the house, even if he is go- 
 ing out again in a moment. The man 
 whose courtesy is not of the adjustable 
 type will not do this, and these remarks 
 are absolutely superfluous as far as he is 
 concerned. 
 
 Nor will it be necessary to remind him 
 to pick up the handkerchief, thimble, scis- 
 sors or book that the woman in his pres- 
 ence lets fall, even if she be his wife. 
 To assist the feminine portion of human- 
 ity comes natural to the thoroughbred. 
 
 And just here I would say a word to 
 
 the young person of the so-called weaker 
 
 sex. It is to remind her that she, as well 
 
 as her brother, owes the duty of respect to 
 
 184
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 her elders. She is too prone to think that 
 the boys of the family should rise for the 
 older people, should remain standing un- 
 til parents are seated, and should always 
 be ready to run errands, or to deny them- 
 selves for their seniors. The duty to do all 
 these things is incumbent on the girl or 
 woman in the presence of those who are 
 her elders or superiors. The girl or young 
 matron who reclines in an easy-chair, 
 while her grandparent, mother, father, or 
 woman-guest stands, is as guilty of rude- 
 ness as her brother would be were he to do 
 the same. 
 
 It is not on the men alone that the 
 etiquette of the home depends. Indeed it 
 is the place of the mother to see that little 
 lapses in good breeding are not over- 
 looked. And she is the one who should, by 
 her unselfishness, her gentle courtesy, and 
 unfailing politeness in even the smallest 
 items, show forth the spirit of true kind- 
 
 185
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ness, on which all good manners are 
 founded. 
 
 One thing that makes for peace and 
 etiquette in the home is the recognition of 
 the rights of others. For this reason one 
 member of the family should never in- 
 quire into another's correspondence, into 
 his engagements, social or otherwise, or 
 ask questions even of his nearest and dear- 
 est. The fact that a man is one of a fam- 
 ily, every member of which is dear to him, 
 does not mean that he has no individual- 
 ity, or that he must share the secrets of his 
 friendships or business matters with any 
 one. He should always feel in the home 
 that any confidences he may care to give 
 are most welcome, but that such confi- 
 dences are never demanded or expected. 
 
 In recognizing these rights of others, 
 one must remember that each person's 
 own room is sacred to himself. It is inex- 
 cusably rude for one member of a family 
 
 186
 
 ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 
 
 to enter the room of any other member 
 without first knocking at the door and re- 
 ceiving permission to "come in." Each 
 human being should feel that he has one 
 locality that belongs to him where he can 
 be alone unless he decrees otherwise. To 
 further this end the wife should knock at 
 her husband's door before she enters his 
 room, and the husband should show her 
 the same consideration, while brothers and 
 sisters should always give the warning 
 tap, which is virtually a request for per- 
 mission to enter, before opening the door 
 that the occupant of the room has closed 
 behind him or her. 
 
 187
 
 XVII 
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 The subject of this chapter is so large 
 that we almost despair of doing more 
 than touch on a few of the many points 
 it should cover. 
 
 Perhaps it would be well to give first a 
 few rules for that most public of places, 
 the street. 
 
 The question as to the etiquette of rais- 
 ing the hat is one that demands attention, 
 and yet the rules are simple. 
 
 A man always uncovers his head com- 
 pletely when he returns a woman's bow. 
 He does the same when he meets a man he 
 knows walking with a woman, whether she 
 be known to him or not. When a man is 
 walking or driving with a woman and she 
 bows to a man or woman she meets, her es- 
 
 188
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 cort lifts his hat. On parting with a 
 woman he bares his head. If he stand and 
 talk with her, he should hold his hat in his 
 hand unless she asks him to cover his head, 
 or unless the day be cold, in which case 
 he says, "Will you pardon me if I put on 
 my hat?" Then, when he leaves her, he 
 again uncovers. 
 
 As a safe rule in whist is, "When in 
 doubt, lead trumps," so a safe rule for a 
 man in public would be, "When in doubt, 
 take off your hat." 
 
 When a man meets a woman on the 
 street, and wishes to talk with her for a 
 moment, he should, if time allow, turn 
 and walk a little way with her, rather than 
 stop and thus hinder her. If he have a 
 business engagement that makes this im- 
 possible, he should apologize for not do- 
 ing so, in a few words, as "Pardon me 
 for not walking with you instead of stop- 
 ping you, but my train leaves in fifteen 
 189
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 minutes," or, "I have an appointment in 
 ten minutes." 
 
 On a cold day, when a man stands talk- 
 ing with a woman with his head uncov- 
 ered, she should say, "Pray put on your 
 hat! I am afraid you will catch cold." He 
 should accede to her request, saying 
 "Thank you!" as he does so. 
 
 It is a woman's place to bow first, when 
 she meets a man. Unless they are old 
 friends, the man does not lift his hat until 
 he has received this sign of recognition 
 from a woman. 
 
 When men meet each other on the street 
 they may recognize each other as they 
 please, by a nod, a wave of the hand, or 
 by touching the hat. For a man to touch 
 his hat to a woman is an insult, unless he 
 be a servant as a coachman receiving 
 an order from his mistress when he ac- 
 knowledges the order by touching the 
 brim of his hat with his hand. Did more 
 190
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 men appreciate that they were giving the 
 "coachman's salute" to a woman, mortifi- 
 cation rather than courtesy might prevent 
 a repetition of the offense. 
 
 When a man is a woman's escort and 
 they board a street-car, she should, with- 
 out comment, allow him to pay her fare. 
 When they get on the same car by chance, 
 she should make the move to pay her fare, 
 but if the man hands the money to the con- 
 ductor before she does so, she should 
 simply bow and say "Thank you!" To 
 dispute about who shall pay car-fare is 
 bad form. 
 
 A man helps a woman on the car, put- 
 ting her on ahead of himself. In getting 
 off, he goes out first, and then helps her 
 out. 
 
 When all seats are taken in a car and a 
 
 woman enters, a gentleman will rise and 
 
 give her his seat, lifting his hat as he does 
 
 so, which courtesy she should always ac- 
 
 191
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 knowledge by saying "Thank you!" cor- 
 dially and audibly. 
 
 If the car be full and a woman enters 
 carrying a baby in her arms, any girl or 
 young matron present should resign her 
 seat to the burdened passenger, unless 
 some masculine passenger has manliness 
 enough to do so. To the credit of human 
 nature be it said that we have never seen a 
 mother with a child in her arms stand for 
 two minutes, no matter how crowded the 
 car might be. 
 
 Of course a young woman should re- 
 sign her seat to an elderly woman, as she 
 will do the same for a very old or infirm 
 man. 
 
 The custom of a man and a woman 
 walking arm-in-arm at night is rapidly 
 falling into disuse. For couples to walk 
 in this way in the daylight has not been 
 customary for years, unless the woman be 
 so aged or invalided as to need the sup- 
 192
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 port of her escort's arm. Now, even after 
 dark, there is hardly any need of a man's 
 arm for a woman's guidance in the bril- 
 liantly-lighted streets. If the couple be 
 walking through a poorly-illuminated 
 street, or on a country road, or climbing a 
 steep hill, the man offers the woman his 
 arm. He should also do this at night when 
 he holds an umbrella over her head. Even 
 in the daylight when they cross a crowded 
 thoroughfare together he should lightly 
 support her elbow with his hand to pilot 
 her over. He should never, unless they be 
 members of the same family, take her arm 
 in order to guide her. 
 
 In public a man must never attract a 
 woman's attention by clutching her arm, 
 or odious action ! by patting her on the 
 shoulder or back. If there is such a noise 
 about them that the mere speaking her 
 name in a low voice will not reach her ears, 
 he may respectfully touch her on the arm 
 193
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 saying at the same time, "Excuse me, 
 please!" Personal liberties are always in 
 poor taste, but never more vulgar than in 
 a place where they are noted by all ob- 
 servers. 
 
 If a man escort a woman home, she 
 may utter a brief "Thank you!" to him 
 on parting with him. Profuse expres- 
 sions of gratitude on such an occasion 
 are bad form. On parting from him 
 after he has taken her to the theater, 
 opera, or any other entertainment, she 
 may, when she bids him good night, say 
 cordially, "I am indebted to you for a 
 very pleasant evening," and, if she wish, 
 she may add, "We shall be glad to have 
 you call at any time." 
 
 A man must never linger at a woman's 
 door to utter his good-bys, or to speak a 
 few final sentences. Doorstep chats may 
 do for nurse-maids and their attendants. 
 They are out of place in higher circles. A 
 194,
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 man rings the bell for the woman he is ac- 
 companying, and, if it be too late for him 
 to enter the house for a few minutes, re- 
 moves his hat, says good night, and takes 
 his leave. 
 
 So much fun has been made of the cus- 
 tom that some women have of kissing each 
 other in public places on meeting and 
 parting, it is surprising that even gush- 
 ing girls still adhere to the ridiculous 
 fashion. If people must embrace, let it be 
 in the sanctity of the home, or where there 
 are no amused observers. If a kiss has no 
 meaning, then let Fashion do away with 
 it; if it means tender affection, it is too 
 sacred a token to be exchanged where doz- 
 ens of people may look on and comment 
 on it. It is hardly too sweeping an as- 
 sertion to make when one says that among 
 mere acquaintances, kisses are best omit- 
 ted altogether. Do let us have some 
 method of salutation for those we really 
 195
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 love that is not given as frequently and 
 freely to every chance acquaintance or 
 casual friend! One woman declares that 
 beyond her relatives there is no grown 
 person she willingly kisses, except two 
 women whom she has known for years, 
 and she respects them too much to em- 
 brace them in the presence of an unsym- 
 pathetic world. A warm hand-clasp will 
 suffice until the people who love each other 
 can be alone. 
 
 Of course there are exceptions to this 
 rule, as to many others. When a man puts 
 his family upon the train or boat which is 
 to carry them from him, he will uncover 
 his head, and kiss each one of the beloved 
 group. Many other such exceptions will 
 suggest themselves. Common sense and 
 good taste should keep one from making a 
 mistake in these matters. 
 
 It is in wretched form for a man to 
 speak of a woman by her first name when 
 196
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 talking to casual acquaintances. It is as 
 bad form, or nearly as bad, for a woman 
 to speak of a man by his last name, as 
 "Brown" or "Smith." It takes very little 
 longer to say "Miss Mary" or "Mr. 
 Brown," and the impression produced is 
 worth the extra exertion. Nor, unless they 
 be members of the same family, does a 
 man address a girl by her first name in a 
 crowd of outsiders. In her home, she may 
 be "Mary" to him. In public, let him ad- 
 dress her as "Miss Smith." 
 
 One of the most annoying of habits in- 
 dulged in in public is that of being late at 
 the theater. It is trying to have to lose 
 whole lines of a play while one rises, gath- 
 ering up bonnet and wraps to do so, to al- 
 low the belated person to pass who sits 
 beyond one. It is a pity that theater-goers 
 do not take more pains to show each other 
 the kindness of being in their places be- 
 fore the curtain rises. 
 197
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 In entering a theater, the man stands 
 aside to allow the woman to go into the 
 door ahead of him, then steps forward to 
 show his tickets to the usher, at the same 
 time taking two programs from the table, 
 or from the boy holding them. The cou- 
 pons are handed back to the man, and 
 kept by him, in case any mistake should 
 arise with regard to the seats. Then the 
 woman follows the usher down the aisle, 
 followed by her escort. It is well for both 
 men and women to remove their coats 
 and wraps, either in the vestibule of the 
 theater or before going into their seats. 
 After sitting down, the woman takes off 
 her hat and holds it in her lap through- 
 out the performance. 
 
 The same rules hold good with regard 
 to a musicale or a concert, except that at 
 these entertainments a woman does not re- 
 move her head-covering. 
 
 I wish there were any chance that any- 
 198
 
 IN PUBLIC 
 
 thing anybody might say could impress 
 on American women that their habit of 
 talking or, worse still, whispering, during 
 a musical performance is abominably 
 rude I Let those who have suffered by this 
 almost universal practice testify to the 
 misery it causes. To have one's favorite 
 passage from a beloved composer marred 
 by "Now this is where he dies, you know," 
 or "Just hear the thunder in that orches- 
 tra, and now just listen to the chirping of 
 the dear little birds!" or, "I don't think I 
 can lunch with you to-morrow, dear, but 
 perhaps the next day," "Do you think 
 those long coats are becoming to short 
 women? who that has undergone the 
 agony of being in the vicinity of such a 
 talker can fail to utter a fervent "Amen" 
 to the frenzied petition that they be sup- 
 pressed? 
 
 199
 
 XVIII 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF HOTEL AND BOARDING- 
 HOUSE LIFE 
 
 There is no better place than a hotel in 
 which to study the manners, or lack of 
 manners, of the world at large. It is here 
 that selfishness is rampant, and unselfish- 
 ness hides its diminished head. 
 
 Before we discuss the ethics of hotel 
 life it will be well to give a few general 
 directions as to what one does from the 
 time he enters the door of the building 
 which will, for a long or short time, he his 
 place of abode. He proceeds at once to 
 the office, makes known his desires with re- 
 gard to a room or rooms, and writes his 
 name in the register handed to him by the 
 clerk. He is then assigned to his room, 
 and a porter directs him thither, carrying 
 
 200
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 hand luggage. To this porter he hands 
 his trunk-check, and the trunk is soon 
 brought to his room. 
 
 Upon the inside of the door in every 
 hotel-room is tacked a set of rules of the 
 house, and these are in themselves suffi- 
 cient to instruct our uninitiated traveler in 
 what is expected of him. He here learns 
 that the hotel is not responsible for val- 
 uables left on the bureau or table of the 
 room, that the guest is requested to keep 
 his trunk locked, and to lock his door 
 upon going out, and to leave his key at 
 the office; that valuable papers and jew- 
 elry can be left in the safe of the hotel; 
 at what hours meals are served, and so on. 
 All these directions the considerate person 
 will observe. None of them is unreason- 
 able. There are many things for which 
 no printed rules are given which are none 
 the less essential to the correctness of de- 
 meanor on the part of a guest. 
 
 01
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Loud talking is one of the things to be 
 avoided. One must remember that in a 
 hotel more than in any other place is the 
 warning of the Frenchman likely to be 
 proved true, "The walls themselves, my 
 lord, have ears!" Each room has an- 
 other room next to it, and the partitions 
 are thin. The transoms all open upon a 
 general hall in which can be heard any 
 loud remark spoken in any one of the 
 rooms. If one does not discuss affairs 
 she wishes kept secret, she must bear in 
 mind the fact that other people may be 
 annoyed while resting, reading or talking, 
 by fragmentary bits of conversation 
 wafted to them. At the hotel table one 
 must also bear this in mind. Loud talking 
 in a public place stamps the speaker as a 
 vulgarian, or a person who has seldom 
 been outside of his own home, and has 
 never learned to modulate his voice. 
 
 On entering a hotel dining-room, the 
 
 202
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 traveler pauses until the head waiter, or 
 one of his assistants, indicates a table 
 at which he may sit. If this table be too 
 near the radiator or window, or otherwise 
 undesirable, the guest may courteously 
 ask if he can not be placed in another lo- 
 cality. When a man and a woman are to- 
 gether the man enters the room first, and 
 leads the way to the table, on the first 
 occasion of their taking a meal at the ho- 
 tel. After that, if they occupy the same 
 table each day, the woman enters the room 
 first and proceeds to her seat, followed by 
 the man. He, or the waiter, draws back 
 her chair for her and seats her. The man, 
 of course, remains standing until she is 
 seated. 
 
 The menu card is handed to the man, 
 with a pad or slip of paper and pencil. 
 Upon this, after discussion with the 
 woman, he writes his order. As a rule he 
 orders the entire meal, except the dessert, 
 
 203
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 at once. The sweets can be decided on 
 later. 
 
 I wish I could impress on the minds 
 of persons in a hotel that it is wretched 
 form to criticize audibly the viands set be- 
 fore them. The person sitting near you is 
 not edified to hear you remark that the 
 soup is wretched, the beef too rare, the 
 coffee lukewarm. If you have any fault 
 to find, do so to the waiter and in such a 
 tone that other guests can not hear it. 
 
 Above all, do not scold the waiter for 
 that for which he is not to blame. He does 
 not purchase the meat, nor does he fry the 
 oysters. Show him that you appreciate 
 this fact, and ask him politely if he can 
 not get you a better cut, or oysters that 
 are not burned. Some persons seem to 
 think that it elevates them in the opinion 
 of observers if they complain of what is 
 set before them. They fancy, apparently, 
 that others will be impressed with the idea 
 204
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 that they are accustomed to so much better 
 fare at home than that they now have that 
 it is a trial for them to descend to the 
 plane on which others are eating. The 
 fact of the case is that the person who is 
 accustomed to dainty fare, and to even- 
 threaded living, is too well-bred to call the 
 attention of strangers to the fact. 
 
 While we are on this subject it would 
 be well to remind the thoughtless person 
 that when he dines with a friend at that 
 friend's hotel, on his invitation, he is 
 a guest. It is therefore rude for him to 
 comment unfavorably on the dishes on 
 the table. When, under such circum- 
 stances, a guest says to his host pro tern., 
 "My dear fellow, they do not give you 
 good veal here!" or, "Are you not tired of 
 the mean butter you eat at this hotel?" he 
 is criticizing in an offensive manner the 
 best that his host can offer him, since he 
 has no house of his own in which to enter- 
 
 205
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 tain. The guest should act as if it were his 
 friend's private table, and forbear to criti- 
 cize fare or service. 
 
 One of the often-unconsidered items of 
 expense in hotel-life is the "tips" that one 
 must give. In no other place is one's hand 
 so often in one's pocket. A porter carries 
 a bag, and he must be tipped; another 
 carries up a trunk; he must be tipped; 
 one rings for iced water, and the boy 
 bringing it expects his ten cents; one 
 wants hot water every morning, and in 
 notifying the chambermaid of this fact, 
 must slip a bit of silver into her palm. The 
 waiter at one's table must be frequently 
 remembered, and the head-waiter will give 
 one better attention if he finds something 
 in his hand after he shows the new arrival 
 to a table, and, of course, on leaving, one 
 will also give a fee. So it goes! When, 
 however, one is staying by the week at a 
 hotel, "tips" need be given only once a 
 206
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 week, unless some unusual favor is 
 asked. We may rebel against the custom, 
 and with reason. But as not one of us can 
 alter the state of affairs, it is well to ac- 
 cept it with a good grace, or reconcile 
 oneself to indifferent service. 
 
 The matter of children in a hotel is 
 one on which so much has been said and 
 written that there is little left to say. At 
 the first glance one is tempted to resent 
 the fact that many hotel proprietors ob- 
 ject to having children accompany their 
 parents to the public table, and that some 
 even demur at their presence in the house. 
 Child-lovers have said bitterly that the 
 celestial "many mansions" seem to be the 
 only abodes in which the little ones are 
 welcome, and all these opinions have a 
 great deal of truth on their side. But it is 
 not until one has undergone the annoy- 
 ance of ill-governed children in a house 
 where there are no restrictions enforced 
 207
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 on them, that one sees the other side of 
 the shield. One large boarding-house at a 
 fashionable summer resort is popular to 
 mothers of large families because the pro- 
 prietor does not object to children. A 
 guest there last season decided that if that 
 were the case said proprietor had no 
 nerves. She soon learned that childless 
 guests declined to stay at the place. Chil- 
 dren raced up and down the long corri- 
 dors, screaming as they went ; they played 
 noisily outside of bedroom doors; they 
 ate like little pigs at the hotel tables. In 
 short, they made the house a purgatory 
 for all except other children and their 
 typical American mothers. 
 
 I say "typical," but there are two types 
 of mothers in this land of ours. One is the 
 mother who hands the management of the 
 children over to a nurse or several nurses, 
 and she is, of course, the rich woman 
 whose children see her seldom, and that 
 
 208
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 not often enough to bother her. The 
 other type is the woman who has nerves 
 toward all things except her own chil- 
 dren's noise. She is such a doting parent 
 that she is, to all appearances, blind and 
 deaf to the fact that her own offspring 
 drive to the verge of insanity other 
 "grown-ups" with whom they come in 
 contact. Verily the American youngster 
 is having everything his own way in pri- 
 vate and public nowadays! Dwellers in 
 hotels are to be pardoned if they beg that 
 he be kept in private until his parents 
 learn to govern him, and by thus doing, to 
 show mercy to other people. 
 
 While the rules that govern propriety 
 should be adhered to everywhere, there is 
 no other place where they should be more 
 strictly observed than at the summer hotel, 
 or the boarding-house of a fashionable 
 watering-place. It may not be an exag- 
 geration to state that there are few decent 
 209
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 places where they are more openly disre- 
 garded. With the trammels of city life 
 one seems to lay down an appreciation of 
 the fitness of things generally. The free 
 intercourse, the rapidly-made acquaint- 
 ances, the mingling of many sorts of peo- 
 ples in the huge caravansary tend to 
 make us cast aside conventionalities. Hus- 
 bands, running down from the city for a 
 Sunday with their wives, find them ab- 
 sorbed and happy in the gay life about 
 them, and quite sufficient unto themselves 
 when the husbands return to counting- 
 room and office on Monday morning. 
 There is always a class of men who, hav- 
 ing nothing else to do, are habitues of the 
 summer hotel, where they flirt with the 
 wives of other men and make themselves 
 generally useful and talked-about. 
 
 There may be no harm in all this sort of 
 thing, but it is well for the discreet 
 maiden and matron to avoid giving any 
 210
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 cause for the enemy to blaspheme, in 
 other words, for the gossip to make her- 
 self busy and dangerous. To this end, late 
 hours in shaded corners of verandas, 
 moonlight sails and walks, and beach- 
 promenades well on toward midnight, 
 are to be shunned. While these are inno- 
 cent per se, they give rise to scandal. The 
 young girl may always have a chaperon to 
 whom to refer as to the properties, but it 
 is not the young girl who is most talked 
 about. The married woman whose hus- 
 band lets her have her own way is a law 
 unto herself, and she must be careful 
 not to make that law too lax. It takes 
 very little to set silly tongues wagging ; it 
 takes months and years to check the com- 
 motion they have made. 
 
 Promiscuous intimacies at summer re- 
 sorts are a great mistake. Unless a woman 
 knows all about a fellow guest, she should 
 not get in the habit of running into her 
 211
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 room, or of talking with her as with a life- 
 long friend. She may be pleasant toward 
 all, and intimate with none. 
 
 It is a well-known fact that there is no 
 other hotbed of gossip equal to a hotel 
 or a boarding-house. Women, released 
 from the cares and anxieties of house- 
 keeping and home-making, turn their 
 time and thoughts to fancy work and 
 scandal. Each arrival runs the gantlet of 
 criticism and comment, and afterward be- 
 comes the subject of "confidential" con- 
 versations upon veranda and in parlors. 
 Here, as everywhere else, work that will 
 occupy the mind is a sovereign cure for 
 this habit. One can usually sit in one's 
 own room, but if one does not, there is 
 always a book to be read in parlors or 
 on the veranda, which will show the 
 would-be gossip or retailer of scandal that 
 one is too much occupied to engage in con- 
 versation, 
 
 212S
 
 BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 
 
 Certainly in a hotel no one lives unto 
 himself, but each must consider the com- 
 fort of his neighbor. Such a semi-public 
 life is at the best a poor substitute for a 
 home existence. Two rules to be observed 
 will make other rules of hotel or boarding- 
 house etiquette sink into insignificance 
 compared with their importance. 
 
 First: Do nothing that will make 
 others uncomfortable. 
 
 Second: Pay attention to your own 
 business, and pay no attention to that of 
 other people.
 
 XIX 
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 Sport, scientists tell us, is a relic of pre- 
 historic pursuits; and the so-called sport- 
 ing instinct is a stirring of the primeval 
 nature within civilized breasts. Perhaps 
 that is why more people forget the first 
 tenets of good breeding when competing 
 in various forms of outdoor exercise than 
 in nearly all the other walks of life put 
 together. 
 
 The man who would view with an amia- 
 ble smirk the spilling of a glass of Bur- 
 gundy over his white waistcoat at a dinner, 
 will often exhibit babyish rage at the 
 breaking of a favorite golf -club or the 
 stupidity of a caddie. The girl whose 
 self-control permits her to smile and mur- 
 mur: "It's really of no consequence!" 
 
 214,
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SP'ORT 
 
 when a dance-partner's foot tears three 
 yards of lace off her train, will seldom 
 show the same calm good-humor when her 
 opponent at tennis serves balls that are 
 too swift and too hard-driven for her to 
 return. 
 
 There are many concrete and a few 
 general rules for behavior in sport of all 
 sorts, the observance or neglect of which 
 denotes the "thoroughbred" or the boor 
 far more accurately than would a week 
 full of ordinary routine. 
 
 The general rules apply to every form 
 of sport. They are, briefly: 
 
 First, last and always keep your tem- 
 per! Remember the word "sport" means 
 "pastime." When it becomes a cause of 
 annoyance or impatience, or an occasion 
 for loss of temper, it misses its true aim 
 and you are not worthy to continue it. 
 
 Second ; the "other fellow" has quite as 
 much right to a good time as you have. 
 
 215
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Do not play selfishly, or vaunt your supe- 
 riority over him. In all contests, show no 
 elation at victory, or chagrin at defeat. 
 This is the first and great law. Its ob- 
 servance differentiates the true sportsman 
 from the mere sporting-man. 
 
 Third; play fairly. The man or girl 
 who will take an undue advantage of any 
 description over an opponent, not only 
 breaks the most sacred rules of good 
 breeding, but robs himself or herself of 
 the real enjoyment of the game. 
 
 Fourth; no sport in which people of 
 breeding can participate demands loud 
 talking, ill-bred language or actions, or 
 the abridgment of any of the small sweet 
 courtesies of life. 
 
 To sum up, good breeding, fairness, 
 self-control and patience are needful 
 equipments. Without any and all of 
 these no man or woman should take part 
 in sports. 
 
 216
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 Golf, perhaps, more than any other out- 
 door pastime, demands a thorough and 
 judicious blend of the foregoing qualities. 
 The old story of the Scotch clergyman 3 
 whose conscience would not allow him to 
 continue both golf and the ministry, and 
 who therefore abandoned the latter, was 
 of course an exaggeration. But the idea 
 it expresses is by no means absurd. When 
 a crowd of people throng the links, 
 when novice and adept, crank and mere 
 exercise-seeker are jumbled together in 
 seeming confusion it is not always easy 
 to keep a cool head, a sweet temper and a 
 resolution neither to give nor to take of- 
 fense. 
 
 Many a golf-player errs in behavior less 
 through ill-intent than through heedless- 
 ness and ignorance of what the etiquette 
 of the occasion demands. Such enthu- 
 siasts may profit by the ensuing rules 
 which cover the more salient points of de- 
 217
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 corum, and which may enable the beginner 
 to avoid many a pitfall : 
 
 When two players "drive off" from the 
 tee they should always wait until the 
 couple in front of them have made their 
 second shot and walked off from it. Thus 
 confusion is averted and the proper dis- 
 tance maintained. It is a simple rule, but 
 one often broken. 
 
 Three players should always let a pair 
 of players pass them. Not only should 
 they grant the desired position, but they 
 should offer to do so before the question 
 "May we pass?" can be asked. The pair in 
 question should (in case such permission is 
 not volunteered) ask politely to be allowed 
 to move forward. The yell of "Fore!" is 
 all the strict rules of the game demand, 
 but the rules of breeding should come first. 
 
 A single player must give way to all 
 larger parties. This is but fair, since golf 
 is, preeminently, a match; and those ac- 
 
 218
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 tively engaged in the contest should have 
 the right of way over a man who is merely 
 practising. The "single player" must 
 recognize and yield with good grace. If 
 he desires unobstructed practice, let him 
 choose some time when the links are va- 
 cant. 
 
 Never drive on the "putting green" 
 when other players are there "putting 
 out." Players should not forget to get 
 off the green the moment they have "holed 
 out." The place is not intended as an isle 
 of safety, or a club-house corner where 
 scores may be computed, gossip ex- 
 changed, or the work of others watched. 
 
 If you are at the tee waiting for others 
 to "drive off," never speak, cough, or in 
 any way distract the attention of the 
 player who is addressing the ball. Incon- 
 siderate or ill-bred people in this way spoil 
 hundreds of good drives and thousands 
 of good tempers every year. 
 219
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 When a man and a woman are playing 
 golf, the latter should always be allowed 
 to precede on the first drive off from the 
 first tee. 
 
 A man, playing against a woman, 
 should not allow himself to get too far 
 ahead of her. Do not leave her to plod on 
 alone. This same rule applies when play- 
 ing with another man. Do not go after 
 the ball after a drive until your opponent 
 drives. Then walk together in pursuit. 
 Never go ahead of your partner. 
 
 Use no undue haste in golf. Never 
 run! 
 
 If you are not employing a caddie, al- 
 ways offer to carry the clubs of the 
 woman with whom you are playing. In 
 the same circumstances offer to make the 
 tee from which she is to drive off. It is 
 optional with her whether or not to accept 
 your offer. 
 
 When you have no caddie allow players 
 
 220
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 who have caddies to pass you. They will 
 go faster than you and should have the 
 right of way. 
 
 Never make unfavorable criticisms of 
 others' play. Never, above all, laugh at 
 any of their blunders. 
 
 Automobiling has so increased in popu- 
 larity that it is almost a national pastime. 
 And with its growing favor has sprung 
 up a noxious and flourishing crop of bad 
 manners. There seems to be something 
 about the speed, the smell of gasolene or 
 the sense of superiority over slower ve- 
 hicles, that robs many an otherwise well- 
 bred automobilist of all consideration. 
 Yet the utmost consideration is due, not 
 only to mere mortals but to fellow "motor- 
 men." 
 
 Common humanity, as well as civility, 
 should always prompt a chauffeur to stop 
 at sight of a disabled auto and to ask if he 
 can be of assistance; to offer the loan of 
 
 221
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 any necessary tools or extra gasolene; or 
 even, if necessary, to volunteer a "tow." 
 
 Do not presume on the community of 
 interests to address the chauffeur or pas- 
 sengers of a passing auto, any more than 
 the passengers of one ordinary vehicle 
 would address those of another. Do not 
 stare at another's car, nor, if at a stand- 
 still, examine the mechanism. This is the 
 height of rudeness. The fact that you are 
 so lucky as to be an automobilist gives you 
 no license to investigate the workings of 
 another man's machine, or in other ways to 
 make yourself obnoxious. 
 
 When passing an auto of inferior horse- 
 power, do not choose that moment to ex- 
 hibit your own greater speed. Be careful 
 also not to give such a car your dust nor 
 (so far as you can avoid) to sicken its oc- 
 cupants with the smell of your motor's 
 gasolene. 
 
 Do not boast of the phenomenal runs 
 
 222
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 you have made. You are not a record- 
 holder. And when you become one, the 
 newspapers will gladly exploit the fact 
 without any viva voce testimony from 
 you. 
 
 When meeting or passing a horse-ve- 
 hicle never fail to shut down speed and, 
 whenever possible, to ascertain whether 
 or not the horse is afraid of automobiles. 
 
 Do not violate the speed ordinance. The 
 ordinance was made for public safety, 
 not to spite you. Do not frighten animals 
 or pedestrians, nor carelessly steer too 
 near to some farmer's live stock which may 
 happen to be in the road. Remember the 
 owners of the chickens or dogs you may 
 run over is helping to pay for the smooth 
 road you are traversing. The road is 
 partly his, and you are in a measure his 
 guest. 
 
 Tennis offers fewer opportunities for 
 "breaks" than do many other of the sports 
 
 223
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 of the hour. Yet good breeding is here as 
 necessary as when playing any other 
 game. 
 
 If you have a woman for a partner and 
 it is her "serve," do not neglect to pick 
 up and hand her the balls before each ser- 
 vice. Second her more carefully than if 
 she were a man, and take charge of the ex- 
 tra balls for her. 
 
 If a woman is your opponent, remem- 
 ber she has not the strength and endurance 
 of a man. Serve gently. Do not slam 
 balls over the net at cannon-ball speed and 
 force. Oppose only moderate strength to 
 her lesser power. Give her the benefit of 
 the doubt in the case of a "let," or when 
 the ball may or may not be over the back 
 line. 
 
 In "double service" do not serve the 
 second ball until she has recovered her po- 
 sition from pursuing the first. The choice 
 of rackets should also, of course, be hers ; 
 
 224
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 and any work, such as putting up the nets, 
 hunting the lost ball, and so on, devolves 
 on you. 
 
 The yachtsman is of two classes, the 
 man who delights in the dangers and sea- 
 manship incident on a cranky "wind-jam- 
 mer" in a heavy sea, and the man whose 
 boat is a floating club-house. Both types 
 are prone to forget at times thajt their 
 guests are not so enthusiastic as them- 
 selves; that they may be nervous or in- 
 clined to seasickness, and that the amuse- 
 ments of their host may not always ap- 
 peal to them. The man who would never 
 think of causing inconvenience to a guest 
 on land will show impatience or lack of 
 sympathy at that same guest's timidity or 
 mal de mer, when afloat. 
 
 The same rules of behavior that ob- 
 tain between host and guest ashore should 
 prevail on the yacht. The tastes of the lat- 
 ter should be as scrupulously considered, 
 
 225
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 and his or her likes and dislikes be as con- 
 siderately met. 
 
 Similar laws of social usages apply to 
 boating and canoeing. "The fool that 
 rocks the boat" has received so many warn- 
 ings and such just and wholesale con- 
 demnation that there is no use wasting 
 further words on him. No man who val- 
 ues the safety and comfort of his com- 
 panion will do anything to imperil either. 
 A man should always offer to row, but 
 should give the girl who is with him the 
 option of doing so if she wishes. He 
 should hold the boat steady for her and 
 assist her to embark, having previously 
 arranged the cushions in the stern and 
 made all other possible plans for her com- 
 fort. 
 
 The course they are to take should al- 
 ways be left to her choice, and her wishes 
 should be consulted in every way. A girl 
 would also do well to remember that the 
 
 226
 
 ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 
 
 man who has taken her boating is doing 
 all the work and is trying to give her a 
 pleasant time. She should meet him half- 
 way, and should try to repress any ner- 
 vousness she may experience in being on 
 the water and any resentment she may 
 feel at being occasionally requested by her 
 "skipper" to "trim boat." 
 
 Swimming is essentially a man's sport. 
 While many women are good swimmers, 
 they usually lack the strength and en- 
 durance to make them men's equals in this 
 line. A man should therefore be careful 
 to avoid overtaxing the strength of the 
 girl who is swimming with him ; should be 
 content to remain near the shore if she so 
 desire, and, in surf -bathing, should lift 
 her over the breakers, or try to shield her 
 from their force. 
 
 In teaching others to swim, infinite pa- 
 tience, good temper and tact are needful. 
 'Allow for the nervousness and awkward- 
 27
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ness which are the almost inseparable at- 
 tributes of beginners. 
 
 In driving always ask your companion 
 if she or he would prefer to handle the 
 reins. Do not, by bursts of speed, or by 
 "fights" with a fractious horse, endanger 
 the safety or composure of your guest. 
 
 In riding horseback, never remain 
 mounted when addressing some friend 
 who is on foot. If your initial salute is to 
 be followed by any conversation, dis- 
 mount and remain on foot until you take 
 your leave. In helping a girl to the sad- 
 dle, always adjust the curb and snaffle, 
 hand them to her and arrange her riding- 
 habit before you mount your own horse. 
 
 There are countless pitfalls for the un- 
 wary in all forms of sport ; but none that 
 can not be readily bridged by considera- 
 tion for others, by good temper, and by the 
 commonest rules of breeding. 
 
 228
 
 XX 
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL DUTIES 
 
 We have ridiculed our newly-rich wom- 
 an's fads, pretensions and failures so 
 sharply and for so long that we find it 
 hard to do justice to the solid virtues she 
 often possesses. The average specimen is 
 fair game, and we one and all, from the 
 gentlest to the most sarcastic unite in 
 "setting her down." 
 
 Except perhaps the mother-in-law, no 
 other woman supplies fun-makers with 
 such abundant and cheap material. 
 She might retaliate on her persecutors 
 more frequently than she does by attribut- 
 ing much of the ridicule, fine and coarse, 
 heaped on her, to envy, far meaner than 
 the meanest of her pretensions. 
 
 Thus much for the average specimen at 
 229
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 her worst. The exceptions to the ignoble 
 parvenu are numerous enough to form 
 a class by themselves. It is not a disgrace 
 in this country of dizzying down-sittings 
 and bewildering uprisings, for miner, 
 mechanic, merchant or manufacturer to 
 make money fast. It is to his credit when 
 he insists that the girl who was poorer 
 than himself when they were married, and 
 who has kept him at his best physical and 
 mental estate ever since by wise manage- 
 ment of their modest household making 
 every dollar do the work of a dollar-and- 
 a-quarter while feeding and clothing her 
 family should get the full benefit of his 
 changed fortunes. In house, furnijture, 
 clothing, company, and what he names 
 vaguely "a good time generally," he 
 means that she shall ruffle it with the brav- 
 est of her associates. He means also that 
 these associates shall be in accord with 
 his means. 
 
 230
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 The odds are all against the chances 
 that our worthy money-maker will con- 
 form his personal behavior to the new con- 
 ditions. Husbands of his type leave "all 
 that sort of thing" to wives and daugh- 
 ters, and make the social advancement of 
 these women harder thereby. Not the 
 least formidable obstacle in their upward 
 journey is the stubborn fact that "your 
 father is quite impossible." 
 
 Men, as a whole, do net take polish 
 readily. Unless John Newlyrich wore a 
 dress-coat before he was twenty-one, he is 
 not quite at ease in a "swallow-tail" at 
 forty. As a millionaire of fifty, he rebels 
 against the obligation to wear it to the 
 family dinner every evening in the week. 
 If he has read Dickens, which is hardly 
 likely, he echoes Mrs. Boffin's "Lor'! let 
 us be comfortable!" He butters a whole 
 slice of bread, using his knife trowel-wise, 
 and if busy talking of something that 
 
 231
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 interests him particularly, lays the slice 
 upon the cloth during the troweling. He 
 cuts up his salad, and makes the knife a 
 good second to the fork while eating fish. 
 Loyal to the memories of early life, he 
 never gets over the habit of speaking of 
 dinner as "supper," and observes in con- 
 versation at a fashionable reception, "As 
 I was eating my dinner at noon to-day." 
 In like absent-mindedness, he tucks his 
 napkin into his collar to protect the ex- 
 panse of shirt-front exposed by the low- 
 cut waistcoat of his dress suit. He says 
 "sir," to his equals, and addresses face- 
 tious remarks to the butler, or draws the 
 waitress into conversation while meals are 
 going on. Anxious wife and despairing 
 daughters are grateful if he does not put 
 his knife into his mouth when off-guard. 
 Trifles are they? Not to the climbers 
 who are exercised thereby. They are 
 gravel between the teeth, and pebbles in 
 
 282
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 the dainty foot-wear of Mrs. Newlyrich. 
 The history of her social struggles would 
 be incomplete without the mention of this 
 drawback. She has learned the by-laws of 
 social usage by heart, and, loving and 
 loyal wife though she is, she sometimes 
 loses patience with John for not doing the 
 same. 
 
 In this, and in many another perplexity, 
 more or less grievous, our heroine has our 
 sympathy and deserves our respect. We 
 use the word "heroine" advisedly. We 
 have put the wealthy, pushing vulgarian, 
 who is part of the stock company of cari- 
 cature and joke-wright, entirely out of the 
 question. She has her sphere and her re- 
 ward. Our business is with the woman of 
 worthy aspirations and innate refinement, 
 raised by a whirl of Fortune's wheel from 
 decent poverty to actual wealth. She has 
 a natural desire to mingle on equal 
 terms with the better sort of rich people. 
 
 233
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 She is glad of her wealth, but not purse- 
 proud. It has introduced her to another 
 world. Of her social life it may be truly 
 said that old things have passed away and 
 all things have become new. It would be 
 phenomenal if she fitted at once and easily 
 into it. Money has bought her fine house, 
 and for money the artistic upholsterer has 
 furnished it. Money has hired a staff of 
 servants, whereas up to now, a maid-of- 
 all-work was her sole "help." 
 
 Money does not enable her to master the 
 "shibboleth" that would be her passport 
 to the land she would possess. And to 
 mangle it into "sibboleth" as the least 
 sophisticated of us know means social 
 slaughter at the passages of Jordan. 
 
 Discarding Scriptural imagery for 
 modern common sense, let us begin with 
 the Newlyrich kitchen, in holding helpful 
 counsel with the nominal mistress there- 
 of. 
 
 234
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 Engage no servant who patronizes you. 
 Give her to understand at the outset that 
 you are the head of the house, and know 
 perfectly well what you want each one to 
 do, and how your household is to be run. 
 Be kind with all familiar with none. 
 They are your severest critics. Each is, in 
 her way, a spy, but in her own interest. An 
 employer who used to be poor, albeit she 
 was, at the poorest, far richer than any of 
 them will ever be, is a thing to be looked 
 down on and bullied. Accept this as a 
 basic truth and shape your course in ac- 
 cordance with it. Assert yourself with 
 dignity , never defiantly. They have noth- 
 ing to do with your past, or with any- 
 thing connected with your personal his- 
 tory beyond the present relation existing 
 between you as employer and hireling. 
 They will discuss and criticize you below- 
 stairs and on "evenings out," and, in 
 the event of "changing their place," to the 
 
 235
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 next mistress who will stoop to listen to 
 them. They would do the same were you 
 a princess with a thousand-year-old pedi- 
 gree. Stand in your lot and be philosoph- 
 ical. 
 
 You can not be too punctilious in not 
 questioning them about how "things" 
 were done in other houses in which they 
 have been employed. Every such query 
 will be construed into ignorance and diffi- 
 dence. Be a law unto yourself and unto 
 them. 
 
 Yet you must learn how the people live 
 whom you would meet upon common 
 ground as old to them as it is new to you. 
 You blush in confessing that you are be- 
 wildered as to the order in which the va- 
 rious forks are to be used that lie beside 
 your plate at the few state dinners you at- 
 tend. Entrees are many, and some appal- 
 lingly unfamiliar. You wonder mutely 
 what these people would think of you if 
 
 236
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 they knew that you were never "taken 
 in" to dinner by a man until to-night, and 
 how narrowly you watch the hostess, or the 
 woman across the way before you dare ad- 
 vance upon the course set before you. 
 Dreading awkward stiffness that would 
 betray preoccupation, you attract atten- 
 tion by a show of gaiety unlike your usual 
 behavior and unsuited to time and place. 
 Should you make a mistake such as us- 
 ing a spoon instead of the ice-cream fork 
 you are abashed to misery. Don't apol- 
 ogize, however gross the solecism! In 
 eighteen times out of twenty, nobody has 
 noticed the misadventure. In twenty cases 
 out of a score, if it were observed you are 
 the one person who would care a picayune 
 about it, or ever think of it again. 
 
 Another cardinal principle is to learn 
 to consider yourself as a minute fractional 
 part of society. When your name is 
 bawled out by usher or footman at a large 
 
 237
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 party, it sounds like the trump of doom 
 in your unaccustomed ears. To your ex- 
 cited imagination all eyes are riveted upon 
 you. In point of fact, you are of no more 
 consequence to the eyes, ears and minds 
 of your fellow-guests than the carpet that 
 seems to rise to meet your uncertain feet. 
 Stubborn conviction of your insignifi- 
 cance is the first step that counts in the 
 acquisition of well-mannered composure 
 among your fellows. 
 
 In forming new acquaintances, be 
 courteous in the reception of advances, 
 slow in making them until you have rea- 
 son to think that you are liked for your- 
 self, and not because your husband repre- 
 sents six, or it may be seven, numerals. 
 There are sure to be dozens of critics who 
 will accuse you of parading these figures, 
 as vessels fly bunting in entering a 
 strange harbor. Stamp upon your mind 
 that adventitious circumstance has noth- 
 
 238
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 ing to do with the worth of YOU, YOUB- 
 SELF! 
 
 For a long while after you embark up- 
 on your new lif e, be watchful and studious 
 yet covertly, lest your study be noted. 
 Return calls promptly, sending in the 
 right number of cards, and bearing your- 
 self in conversation with gentle self-pos- 
 session. Never be flattered by any atten- 
 tion into a flutter of pleasure. Above all, 
 do not be obsequious, be the person who 
 honors you by social notice a multi-mil- 
 lionaire, or the Chief Magistrate of these 
 United States. Servility is invariably vul- 
 garity. Familiarity is, if possible, a half- 
 degree more repulsive. Self-respect and a 
 wholesome oblivion of dollars and cents 
 are a catholicon amid the temptations of 
 your novel sphere. 
 
 When you begin to entertain in your 
 turn avoid, scrupulously, startling effects 
 and novelties of all kinds. Until you are 
 
 239
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 used to the task, be strictly conventional 
 in arrangements for your guests' recep- 
 tion and pleasure. Let floral decorations 
 and "souvenirs" be modest and tasteful. 
 Mantels banked with orchids, bouton- 
 nieres of hot-house roses at a dollar apiece, 
 and cases of expensive jewelry as favors, 
 may express a generous hospitality on 
 your part and a desire to gratify the ac- 
 quaintances you would convert into 
 friends. They will surely be set down to 
 ostentatious display of means that few 
 of the guests possess. 
 
 There are Manuals of Etiquette which 
 will keep you from open solecisms in so- 
 cial usages. Follow their rules obediently, 
 curbing all disposition to originality for 
 a while, at least. If possible, keep the 
 greedy society-reporter at a distance, 
 without angering her. Do not give away 
 the list of those invited, much less the 
 menu. As Dick Fanshawe's eulogist said 
 
 240
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 of men who "jump upon their mothers," 
 "Some does, you know!" 
 
 And thereby they give occasion to the 
 afore-mentioned cartoonists and joke-ven- 
 ders to deride the name of hospitality dis- 
 pensed by the Newlyrich clan. Let the 
 aforesaid Manual of Etiquette be fol- 
 lowed with obedience, but not with servile 
 and unthinking obedience. Unfortu- 
 nately it is true that the person unac- 
 customed to precise social regulations and 
 to a formal manner of living, is inclined to 
 consider the rules governing such life as 
 arbitrary, inexplicable and mysterious. If 
 the uninitiated woman will disabuse her- 
 self of this idea, she has taken a long 
 step in the right direction. Once you 
 make a conquest of the thought that there 
 is reason behind the forms employed by 
 society, it will not be long before you 
 will be searching for the reason itself. 
 The laws governing the conventional 
 
 241
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 world will then acquire for you a mean- 
 ing that will make adherence to them 
 simple and natural, instead of stiff and 
 mechanical. 
 
 The matter of discriminating properly 
 in questions of taste is a thing much more 
 difficult to learn than the set and defi- 
 nite rules governing definite exigencies of 
 social life. Yet taste, taste in clothes, 
 taste in the objects surrounding one, taste 
 in all matters with which expenditure is 
 concerned, this is a necessity in the at- 
 tainment of any social position worthy of 
 the name. In this direction something 
 may be gained by observation, though not 
 until the eye is sufficiently trained to make 
 it a trustworthy guide. The sense of 
 beauty is somewhat a matter of cultiva- 
 tion and its application to everyday life 
 is the result of experience and judgment. 
 Do not imagine that a color is becoming 
 to you merely because you happen to like 
 
 242
 
 MRS. NEWLYRICH 
 
 it. Do not buy a chair or a couch simply 
 because the one or the other may happen 
 to please your fancy. The color you wear, 
 the furniture you buy must have refer- 
 ence, the one to your appearance, the other 
 to its surroundings. 
 
 When one is unversed in these mat- 
 ters it is best to submit problems to an 
 authority. It is wiser to allow a clever 
 modiste to select the color, style and ma- 
 terial of one's gown than to do it oneself. 
 It is better to put the scheme of decora- 
 tion for your house into the hands of some 
 accomplished person, educated to that end, 
 than to attempt it yourself. In large cities 
 persons competent in this matter of house- 
 hold decoration may easily be found, peo- 
 ple whose business it is to act as paid 
 agents of the more beautiful and esthetic 
 way. Many architects have in their em- 
 ploy persons who are capable of ad- 
 vising as to interior decoration and of 
 
 243
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 superintending the work. If one is resi- 
 dent in a small place the difficulty is ob- 
 viated by the intelligent aid offered to the 
 questioner through the columns of the 
 better magazines devoted to esthetics as 
 applied to everyday living. The advice 
 given in the best of these publications is 
 conscientious, careful, expert advice. 
 
 I have said that it is not your fault that 
 you were not born in the purple. Neither 
 is it of your merit and to your honor that 
 you now walk in silk attire, and may 
 freely gratify dreams you would once 
 have considered wildly impossible. 
 
 The best of all books enjoins on the sud- 
 denly-exalted to be mindful of the pit 
 from whence they were digged. Purse- 
 pride is contemptible in its meanness and 
 folly. You are safe from ridicule if you 
 keep this fact in mind. Set up "me" and 
 mine" in "P^I- type, and not in capitals. 
 
 244 
 
 "
 
 XXI 
 
 A DELICATE POINT OF ETIQUETTE FOR OUR 
 GIRL 
 
 This chapter is, perhaps, rather a Fa- 
 miliar Talk with Our Girl on the pro- 
 prieties which she may not recognize as 
 such than the emphasizing of various 
 points of etiquette. But the violation 
 of the essentials of self-respect is so 
 common that a book of this character 
 should have a chapter devoted to a bit of 
 plain speaking to the young woman of 
 to-day. We may call her actions under 
 certain circumstances a violation of the 
 proprieties, or of etiquette, or of conven- 
 tionality. Or, perhaps, it is a sin against 
 all three. 
 
 We are accustomed to seeing the sign 
 "Hands off!" hung upon dainty fabrics, 
 
 245
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 pure, spotless materials that would be 
 injured and stained by the touching of a 
 gloved or bare hand. People who admire 
 the pure beauty of the article thus marked 
 do not resent the sign. They see the wis- 
 dom of it and are willing to obey the man- 
 date. For a fabric once soiled never looks 
 the same again. All the chemicals in the 
 country can not give it the peculiar pris- 
 tine freshness that was once its chief 
 beauty. 
 
 To those who appreciate the beauty of 
 youth, its pure freshness, the thought of 
 its being touched by indiscriminate hands 
 is abhorrent. 
 
 We have, happily, passed the Lydia 
 Languish age, the day in which the young 
 girl was a fragile creature, given to faint- 
 ing and hysterics, clothed in innocence that 
 was ignorance, good because she was 
 afraid to be naughty, or because she was 
 so hedged in by conventionalities that she 
 246
 
 A DELICATE POINT 
 
 did not have the opportunity to stray near 
 the outer edge of the pasture bars. In her 
 place we have a healthy, fearless, clear- 
 eyed young person, looking life and its 
 possibilities square in the face, good 
 because she knows from observation or 
 hearsay what evil is, and abhors it because 
 it is evil. She is a sister, a chum, a jolly 
 companion to the boy or man with whom 
 she associates. She rides, walks, golfs or 
 dances with him. She may do, and she 
 does, all these things and she still keeps 
 his respect. 
 
 Thus far we go, and then creeps in the 
 sinister question: Does she always do 
 this? 
 
 The answer comes promptly: It is her 
 own fault if she loses any man's respect. 
 
 To those of us who have outstepped 
 girlhood, who have begun to live deeply 
 these lives of ours that are full of potenti- 
 alities for good or evil, there comes a keen 
 
 247
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 insight, and, with that insight, our outer 
 sight becomes more clear; and sometimes 
 in looking at young people we find our 
 hearts, and almost our lips, crying out, 
 "DON'T!" 
 
 We would not be we are not prudes, 
 but the bloom of the peach is beautiful, 
 and once rubbed off it can not be replaced. 
 The snow-white fabric is too fair to be 
 carelessly handled. 
 
 Last winter I sat in a train-seat behind 
 a girl of eighteen and a young man a few 
 years her senior. She was pretty and 
 bright. She chatted gaily with her com- 
 panion, who, after a few minutes, threw 
 his arm over the back of her seat. To the 
 initiated, it was evidently done as a trial 
 as to whether that kind of thing would be 
 allowed. The girl, intent on the conversa- 
 tion, appeared not to notice the action. In 
 a few moments the hand resting against 
 the girl's shoulder was laid over the 
 
 248
 
 A DELICATE POINT 
 
 shoulder. The owner flushed, made some 
 laughing protest, but evidently adminis- 
 tered no rebuke, as the offending member 
 continued to rest where it was, then grad- 
 ually crept up toward her neck ; finally, at 
 some teasing remark of hers, it tweaked 
 her ear. Had the child been older, the 
 look in the man's eyes as he watched the 
 fluctuations of color in her pretty face, 
 would have warned her that she was play- 
 ing with fire; that his respect for her 
 would have been greater had she shown 
 in the beginning that the sign, "Hands 
 off!" was on her person, although invisi- 
 ble to the vulgar eye. 
 
 This is but one of the many instances 
 of the free-and-easy actions on the part 
 of men, permitted by well-meaning girls. 
 
 In nine hundred and ninety-nine cases 
 out of a thousand a man will not take a 
 liberty with a girl unless she allows it. 
 
 I wish girls would bear this fact in 
 49
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 mind! Men are what they make them, 
 what they allow them to be. When a 
 young fellow told a man in my presence 
 last week that such and such a girl was a 
 "jolly sort," and, while out driving, had 
 stopped at a roadhouse with him, gone 
 into the parlor of the house and taken a 
 glass of ginger ale while he had one of 
 whisky, I was not surprised that the man 
 of the world to whom he imparted this 
 fact, remarked, "Crooked, eh?" 
 
 That the young fellow (who, had he 
 been older or less easily flattered, would 
 not have related the occurrence) flushed 
 and laughingly denied the allegation 
 did not alter the fact that the conclusion 
 drawn was inevitable. The young girl 
 may not, probably did not, deserve the 
 stricture passed on her, but by her free- 
 and-easy behavior she lost something she 
 never can regain. 
 
 Men may pay attention to girls who ig- 
 
 250
 
 A DELICATE POINT 
 
 nore the conventionalities, who allow them 
 doubtful liberties, but they like them be- 
 cause they are what they term "fun." 
 Such girls are not those for whom men 
 live, for whom they sacrifice bad habits, 
 for whom they look in seeking a wife, and 
 for whom they w r ould bravely give up life 
 if necessary. The true love of a good man 
 is worth winning. It is not won by the 
 girl who lowers herself to a man's level. 
 To her might apply the time-worn toast 
 of man to "The New Woman, once our 
 superior, now our equal." 
 
 Another point to which I would draw 
 the attention of our girl is that the man 
 should make the advances, should do the 
 seeking and the courting. To this she 
 would reply, "Why, of course! All girls 
 know that." They may know it theoreti- 
 cally, but does every girl live up to that 
 knowledge? Does she always wait to be 
 sought, to be won, without taking a hand 
 
 251
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 herself at assisting destiny? I think ob- 
 servation will not prove that she does. 
 
 In this very free-and-easy age, when 
 men are too busy seeking the elusive 
 mighty dollar to be over-eager to show 
 marked attention to girls, it is often the 
 young woman who pays heed to some of 
 the preliminaries of the courting period. 
 It is frequently she who suggests to a 
 man, after meeting him several times, that 
 she would be glad to have him call. It is 
 she who, when he is going on a journey, 
 asks him if he will not write to her. It is 
 she who asks him for his picture and, on 
 occasion, offers him one of hers. 
 
 It is, and it has been through centuries, 
 the place of the man to take the initiative 
 in such matters. If he wants to call on 
 a girl, let him have the courage to ask her 
 if he may do so ; if he wishes to correspond 
 with her, he should ask her permission to 
 write to her. And if he does none of these 
 
 252
 
 A DELICATE POINT 
 
 things of his own volition, they may go 
 undone. The girl who, through love of 
 admiration, or the desire for men's atten- 
 tion, takes these initial steps, loses her 
 self-respect, and, unless the man in ques- 
 tion be an exceptional instance, awakens 
 in his breast a sensation of amused inter- 
 est. He is flattered, and a bit contemptu- 
 ous. As time goes on and he likes the girl 
 more and more, that feeling may be for- 
 gotten, but it is always lying there dor- 
 mant, and may arise sometime just when 
 the young woman would most wish for re- 
 spect and love. 
 
 Men prize that which they have had 
 difficulty in winning. The apple that 
 drops, over-ripe, at one's feet is never 
 quite so tempting as that which hangs just 
 beyond reach. 
 
 It is well for the matter of sex to be put 
 out of mind in many of the dealings be- 
 tween young men and young women, but 
 
 253
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 in the question of loverly attentions it can 
 not be ignored. And in this matter it is 
 the man, and the man only, who should 
 make advances. It is better for her peace 
 of mind that a girl should never have the 
 marked attention of any man, than that 
 she should forget her maidenly dignity in 
 order to acquire it. Such acquisition is cer- 
 tainly not worth the price paid for it. 
 
 A man must look up to that which he 
 loves. And a hard-and-fast rule is the 
 slangy one that declares that one does 
 not run after a car when he has already 
 caught it, or when it stands at the corner 
 waiting for him, and ready to start or 
 stand at his will. The girls for whom men 
 find life worth living are those who are 
 ideals as well as companions. 
 
 Dear girls, be happy, be merry, have all 
 the harmless fun that the good God, who 
 wishes you to be happy, sends your way. 
 But for the sake of the man who may one 
 
 254
 
 A DELICATE POINT 
 
 day seek you and win you for the sake 
 of the womanhood that he would honor 
 let all men know that you are labeled 
 "HANDS OFF!" and that you are not to be 
 cheaply gained. They will love you bet- 
 ter, respect and honor you more for that 
 knowledge. 
 
 255
 
 XXII 
 
 OUR OWN AND OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN 
 
 Constance Fenimore Woolson, in one 
 of her novels, thus describes a discourtesy 
 to which mothers of young children are 
 much given: 
 
 "Talking with a mother when her chil- 
 dren are in the room is the most trying 
 thing conversationally; she listens to you 
 with one ear, but the other is listening to 
 Johnnie; right in the midst of something 
 very pathetic you are telling her she will 
 give a sudden, perfectly irrelevant smile 
 over her baby's last crow, and your best 
 story is hopelessly spoiled because she 
 loses the point (although she pretends she 
 hasn't) while she arranges the sashes of 
 Ethel and Totsie." 
 
 There is a protest in the paragraph 
 
 256
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 quoted that will find an answering groan 
 in many a heart. Who of us does not wish 
 that mothers of small children would 
 adopt a few rules of ordinary politeness 
 and courtesy, and, when talking to a 
 guest, give attention that is not shared 
 and almost monopolized by the child who 
 happens to be present? 
 
 Parents make the mistake of thinking 
 that their children must be as absorbingly 
 interesting to all visitors and acquaint- 
 ances as they are to those to whom they 
 belong. This is a vast mistake. No matter 
 how fond one may be of the young of his 
 species, he does enjoy a conversation into 
 which they are not dragged, and talks 
 with more freedom if they are not pres- 
 ent. Certainly it is far better for the 
 child to learn to run off and amuse him- 
 self than to sit by, listening to talk not 
 meant for his ears. Those of us who were 
 children many years ago were not allowed 
 257
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 to make nuisances of ourselves to the ex- 
 tent that children of to-day do, and surely 
 we were happy. In one home there is a 
 small boy, very good, and very affection- 
 ate, whose mother can not receive a caller 
 without the presence of the ubiquitous in- 
 fant. He sits still, his great eyes fixed 
 upon the face of the caller, and she feels 
 ashamed for wishing that he would get 
 out of the room. Occasionally he varies 
 the monotony by saying, "Mother, don't 
 you want to tell Mrs. Blank about what I 
 said the other day when I was hurt and 
 did not cry?" Or, "Mother, do you think 
 Mrs. Blank would like me to recite my 
 new poem to her?" 
 
 This may be annoying, but it is still 
 more pitiful. To talk so much to a child 
 and of him in the presence of others that 
 he is a poseur at the early age of five, is 
 cruel to the little one himself. We frown 
 on the old adage which declared "chil- 
 
 258
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 dren should be seen and not heard," but 
 there are homes in which the guest wishes 
 that they might be invisible as well as in- 
 audible. 
 
 One mother defers constantly to her 
 fourteen-year-old son, and allows him to 
 be present during all chats she has with 
 her friends. She says, "You do not mind 
 Will, I am sure. You may say what you 
 like where he is, for he is the soul of dis- 
 cretion, and I talk freely with him." But 
 the visitor does not feel the same confi- 
 dence in "Will," and certainly objects to 
 expressing all her opinions with regard to 
 people and things in his presence. 
 
 Our own children are intensly inter- 
 esting; the children of other people are 
 not I Let us, once in a while, put ourselves 
 in the place of another person, and think 
 if we are willing to have that person's 
 child always in the room when we would 
 talk confidentially with her. I think if we 
 
 259
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 are frank we shall acknowledge that while 
 we do not mind the presence of our own 
 children, we do talk more freely when 
 other people's children are not present. 
 Said a man not long ago : 
 
 "Mrs. Brown is a marvelous woman. 
 She is one of the most devoted mothers I 
 know. Her children are with her a 
 great part of the time. Yet, whenever I 
 call there, alone or with a friend, a signal 
 from her empties the drawing-room or 
 library of the entire flock of five infants, 
 and she is just as much interested in what 
 her callers have to say as if she had no 
 youngsters cruising about in the offing." 
 
 It is not to be supposed that children 
 are never to be allowed to come into the 
 drawing-room. They should be trained to 
 enter the room, greet the guests politely 
 and without embarrassment, answer 
 frankly and straightforwardly, and to 
 speak when spoken to. Then, they should 
 260
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 be silent unless drawn into the conversa- 
 tion. The truest kindness is, after a few 
 moments, to let the little one run away and 
 play with his toys or in the outdoor air. 
 
 The child who hangs his head shyly, 
 and refuses to speak politely to any one 
 who addresses him, should be punished as 
 severely as for an impertinence. From 
 the cradle a baby may be taught to "see 
 people," and, as soon as he is old enough to 
 return a greeting, he must be trained to do 
 so. 
 
 The only way to make small ladies and 
 gentlemen of children is to teach, first of 
 all, perfect obedience. This is, in this 
 day, an unpopular doctrine, for there is 
 prevalent a theory that the child must be 
 allowed to exercise his individuality, in 
 other words, to do as he pleases. Why the 
 child should develop his individuality, and 
 the parents curb theirs, may be matter for 
 wonder to those not educated up to this 
 261
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 twentieth-century standard of ethics. If 
 "days should speak and multitude of 
 years should teach wisdom," the father 
 and mother are better fitted to dictate to 
 the child than the child to dictate to them. 
 And yet, in the average home, the last- 
 mentioned form of government prevails. 
 
 Nothing is more unkind than to allow a 
 child to do as he pleases, for, as surely as 
 he lives, he must learn sooner or later to 
 yield to authority and to exercise self- 
 control. The earlier the training begins, 
 the easier it will be. The child creeping 
 about the room soon knows that the gen- 
 tle, but firm "No!" when spoken by the 
 mother means that he must not touch the 
 bit of bric-a-brac within reach. And even 
 this lesson will stand him in good stead 
 later on. 
 
 The basic principle of home govern- 
 ment must be love enforced by firmness. 
 A punishment should seldom be threat- 
 
 262
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 ened, but if promised, must be given. The 
 time for threat and punishment is not in 
 public. In the parlor, on the train, or 
 boat, it is the height of ill-breeding to 
 make a scene and to threaten a whipping, 
 or a punishment of any kind. Were the 
 child properly trained in private, parents 
 and beholders would be spared the humili- 
 ating spectacle that too often confronts 
 them in visiting and traveling. 
 
 One word here as to the child on train or 
 boat. The person who is truly well-bred 
 will not turn and frown on the mother 
 of the tiny baby who, suffering with colic, 
 or sore from traveling, is wailing aloud. 
 Of course the sound is annoying, but it is 
 harder on the poor, mortified mother than 
 on any one else. I already hear the ques- 
 tion, "Why doesn't she keep the infant at 
 home then?" Frequently she can not do 
 this. The child may be ill, and be on its 
 way to seashore or mountains to gain 
 
 263
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 health; or the mother may be summoned 
 to see some ill relative, and can not go un- 
 less the baby goes, too. Whatever the 
 cause of her going, the fact remains that 
 she derives no pleasure from holding a 
 screaming baby, and her discomfort is 
 turned into positive anguish by the dis- 
 gusted looks of the women, and the mut- 
 tered imprecations of the men. 
 
 I saw once under such circumstances a 
 woman who was an honor to her sex. Op- 
 posite her in the train sat a young mother, 
 and in her arms was a fretful, wailing 
 baby. It was evidently the first baby, and 
 the poor girlish mother was white and 
 weary. At every scream the baby gave 
 she would start nervously, change the lit- 
 tle one's position, look about at the pas- 
 sengers with an expression of pathetic 
 apology, all the time keeping up a 
 crooning "Sh-h-h!" that produced no ef- 
 fect on the crying atom of humanity. 
 
 264
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 And, as is often the case, the more nervous 
 the mother became, the more nervous did 
 the baby grow, and the louder did he 
 scream. An exclamation of impatience 
 came from a woman seated behind the 
 suffering twain, and, at the same moment 
 a man in front threw down his paper with 
 a slam and rushed out of the car and into 
 the smoker. Then the woman who was an 
 honor to her sex came across from the seat 
 opposite, and laid a gentle hand on the 
 mother's shoulder, smiling reassurance in 
 the tear-filled eyes lifted to hers. 
 
 "My dear," said the soft voice, "you are 
 worn out, and the baby knows it. Let me 
 take him for a minute. No, don't protest ! 
 I have had four of my own, and they are 
 all too big for me to hold in my arms now. 
 I just long to feel that baby against my 
 shoulder! Give him to me! There, now! 
 you poor tired little mother, put your head 
 down on the back of the seat, and rest!" 
 
 265
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 She took the baby across the aisle, laid 
 him over her shoulder with his head 
 against her cheek, in the comforting way 
 known to all baby-lovers, and in three 
 minutes the cries had subsided and the 
 baby was asleep in the strong motherly 
 arms, where he lay until Jersey City was 
 reached. And the tired little mother fell 
 into a light slumber, too, comforted by the 
 appreciation that she was not alone, nor 
 an intolerable nuisance to all her fellow 
 passengers. 
 
 Was not such an act as this woman's the 
 perfection of true courtesy, the courtesy 
 that forgets itself in trying to make an- 
 other comfortable? 
 
 This same spirit spoken of by Saint 
 Paul as "in honor preferring one another" 
 can be inculcated in the children in our 
 homes. The small of the human species 
 are, like their elders, naturally selfish, and 
 must be taught consideration for others. 
 266
 
 CHILDREN 
 
 It is the grafting that makes the rose 
 what it is. You may graft a Jacqueminot 
 or Marechal Xeil upon the stump of the 
 wild rose. The grafting, the pruning, 
 and the training, are the work of the care- 
 ful gardener. The mother can never be 
 idle, for, while the stock is there, she does 
 the grafting. 
 
 Obedience must be taught in small 
 things as well as in great. The tiny child 
 must be taught to remove his hat when he 
 is spoken to, to give his hand readily in 
 greeting, to say "please" and "thank 
 you;" not to pass in front of people, or 
 between them and the fire ; to say "excuse 
 me!" when he treads on his mother's foot 
 or dress ; to rise when she enters the room ; 
 and to take off his hat when he kisses her. 
 The mother who insists that her child do 
 these things at home need not fear that 
 he will forget her training when abroad. 
 
 267
 
 XXIII 
 
 OUR NEIGHBORS 
 
 The fact that people live next door to 
 you does not make them your neighbors 
 in the higher and better sense of that 
 word. There may be nothing in their per- 
 sons or characters to commend them to 
 you, or for that matter, to commend you 
 to them. "Neighborhood" in literal inter- 
 pretation signifies nearness of vicinity. 
 You have the right to choose your asso- 
 ciates and to elect your friends. 
 
 Presuming on this truth, dwellers in 
 cities are prone to vaunt their ignorance 
 of, and indifference to, those who live in 
 the same street, block and apartment- 
 house with themselves. If newly come to 
 what is a kingdom by comparison with 
 their former estate, they make a point of 
 
 268
 
 OUR NEIGHBORS 
 
 seeking society elsewhere than among 1 res- 
 idents of their neighborhood. "Let us be 
 genteel or die!" says Dickens of Mrs. 
 Fielding's struggles to eat dinner with 
 gloves on. "Let us be exclusive or cease to 
 live in the best set!" says Mrs. Upstart, 
 and refuses to learn the names of her 
 neighbors on the right and left. 
 
 One of the hall-marks of the thorough- 
 bred is his daily application of the maxim, 
 "Live and let live." His social standing is 
 so firm that a jostle, or even a push from a 
 vulgarian who chances to pass his way, 
 can not disturb him. When the mongrel 
 cur bayed at the moon, "the moon kept on 
 shining." If he be a gentleman in heart as 
 well as in blood and name, he has a real 
 interest in people who breathe the same 
 air and tread the same street with himself 
 interest as far removed from vulgar 
 curiosity in other people's concerns as the 
 gentle courtesy of his demeanor is re- 
 269
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 moved from the familiar bumptiousness 
 of the forward and underbred. 
 
 Entering ourselves as learners in his 
 school and we could not study manners 
 in a better we recognize our neighbors 
 as such. If we live on the same block 
 and meet habitually on the street, a civil 
 bow in passing, a smile to a child, in 
 chance encounters in market or shop, a 
 word of salutation, be it only a "Good 
 morning," or "It is a fine day!" or, after 
 a few exchanges of this sort "I hope 
 your family keeps well in this trying 
 weather" are tokens of good-will and 
 appreciation of the fact that we are dwell- 
 ers in the same world, town and neighbor- 
 hood. 
 
 None of these minute courtesies which 
 you owe to yourself and to your neigh- 
 bor lays on you any obligation to call, 
 or to invite her to call on you. Failure 
 to comprehend this social by-law often 
 270
 
 OUR NEIGHBORS 
 
 causes heart-burnings and downright re- 
 sentment. You may thus meet and greet 
 a woman living near you every day for 
 twenty years, and if some stronger bond 
 than the accident of proximity do not 
 draw you together, you may know noth- 
 ing more of her than her name and ad- 
 dress at the end of that time perhaps the 
 address alone. Unless, indeed, casualty in 
 the way of fire, personal injury or severe 
 illness, make expedient and to the hu- 
 mane such expediency is an obligation- 
 further recognition of the tie of neighbor- 
 hood. In either of the cases indicated, 
 send to ask after the health of the sufferer, 
 and if you can be of service. If there be a 
 death in the house, a civil inquiry to the 
 same effect and a card of sympathy will 
 "commit" you to nothing. 
 
 We are working now on the assump- 
 tion that each of us has a sincere desire to 
 brighten the pathway of others, to make 
 271
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 this hard business of daily living more 
 tolerable. Of all the passive endurances 
 of life, strangerhood is one of the hardest 
 to the sensitive spirit. Your neighbor's 
 heart is lighter because you show that you 
 are aware of her existence and, in some 
 sort, recognize her identity. She may not 
 be your congener. Your bow and smile 
 remind her that you are her fellow human 
 being. Stranger ships meeting in mid- 
 ocean do not wait to inspect credentials be- 
 fore exchanging salutes. 
 
 If your neighbor be an acquaintance 
 whom you esteem, do not let her be in 
 doubt on this point. 
 
 In ante-bellum days at the South, 
 neighborhood was a powerful bond of 
 sympathy. Miles meant less to them in 
 this respect than so many squares mean to 
 us now. A system of wireless telegraphy 
 connected plantations for an area of 
 many miles. Joy or sorrow set the current 
 
 272
 
 OUR NEIGHBORS 
 
 in motion from one end to the other. What 
 I have called elsewhere being "kitch- 
 enly-kind," was comprehended in per- 
 fection in that bygone time. When the 
 house-mother sent a pot of preserves to 
 her neighbor with her love and "she would 
 like to know how you all are to-day," it 
 was the outward and substantial sign of 
 the inward grace of loving kindness, and 
 not an intimation that the recipient's pre- 
 serve-closet was not so well-stocked as the 
 giver's. When opening hamper and un- 
 folding napkin showed a quarter of lamb, 
 or a steak, or a roll of home-made "sau- 
 sage meat," enough neighborly love gar- 
 nished the gift to make it beautiful. 
 Out-of -fashion now-a-days? 
 
 *' 'Tis true : 'tis true 'tis pity, 
 And pity 'tis 'tis true." 
 
 Enough of the old-time spirit lives 
 among our really "best people" to justify 
 the "kitchenly-kind" in proffering gifts 
 
 273
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 that presuppose personal liking and ac- 
 tive desire to please a neighbor. A cake 
 compounded by yourself; a plate of 
 home-made rolls taken from your own 
 table; a dainty fancy dish of sweets of 
 home-manufacture, express more of the 
 "real thing" than a box of confectionery 
 or a basket of flowers "put up" by a flor- 
 ist. It is the personal touch that glorifies 
 the gift, the consciousness that your 
 neighbor thinks enough of you to give of 
 her time and service for your pleasure. 
 The home-made offering partakes of her 
 individuality, and appeals to yours. 
 
 Neighborliness does not, of necessity, 
 imply familiarity of manner and speech 
 that may become offensive, or a continu- 
 ous performance of visits, calls and 
 "droppings-in" that must inevitably be- 
 come a bore, however congenial may be 
 the association. Those friendships last 
 longest where certain decorous forms are 
 
 274
 
 always observed, no matter how close the 
 mutual affection may be. Mrs. Stowe, in 
 one of her New England stories, describes 
 the intercourse between two families as 
 "a sort of undress intimacy." Reading 
 further, we find that this dishabille com- 
 panionship involves visits by way of the 
 back door and at all sorts of unconven- 
 tional hours. 
 
 Such abandonment of the reserves that 
 etiquette enjoins on every household is a 
 dangerous experiment. The back porch 
 is for family use. Your next-door neigh- 
 bor may not meddle therewith. Person- 
 ally, I do not want my own son, or my 
 married daughters, to enter my house 
 through the kitchen. If you, dear reader, 
 would retain your footing in the house of 
 the friend best-loved by you, come in by 
 the front door, and never without an- 
 nouncing your presence as any other vis- 
 itor would. Steady persistence in this rule 
 275
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 will avoid the chances of divers unpleas- 
 ant possibilities. Your hostess or her hus- 
 band or grown son may be as much in 
 dishabille as the intimacy which, in your 
 opinion, warrants you in running in and 
 up, without knock or ring. You may hap- 
 pen on a love-scene, or a family quar- 
 rel, or a girl may be in the hands of the 
 treasure of a hair-dresser who shampoos 
 her twice a month with pure water that 
 looks like peroxide of hydrogen, and "re- 
 stores" the subject's dark brown tresses to 
 the guileless flaxen of her forgotten baby- 
 hood; or your clattering heels upon the 
 stairway may break the touchy old grand- 
 mother's best afternoon nap. 
 
 There is but one place on earth where 
 it is safe to make yourself "perfectly at 
 home," and that is your own house or 
 apartment or chamber. 
 
 276
 
 XXIV 
 
 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF CHURCH AND PARISH 
 
 Theoretically, the church is a pure de- 
 mocracy, a mighty family. There, if any- 
 where, the rich and the poor meet together 
 on terms of absolute equality. 
 
 In that least poetical of pious jingles, 
 
 "Blest be the tie that binds," 
 we declare that 
 
 "The fellowship of kindred minds 
 Is like to that above." 
 
 These and other Pietistic platitudes, 
 whether tame or tuneful, are technical, 
 and so nearly meaningless as not to pro- 
 voke debate. Every reasonable man and 
 woman knows and does not affect to con- 
 ceal his or her consciousness of the truth 
 that social distinctions are not effaced by 
 the enrolment of rich and poor, educated 
 277
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 and illiterate, refined and boorish, in im- 
 partial order upon the "church books." 
 True religion does refine feeling and en- 
 gender benevolence and charitable judg- 
 ment of our fellows. In doing this, it cre- 
 ates a common ground of sympathy, as of 
 belief. It elevates the moral and spiritual 
 nature. Of itself, it does not enrich the in- 
 tellect, or polish manners. One may have 
 a clean heart and dirty flesh-and-blood 
 hands ; may be a sincere and earnest Chris- 
 tian, yet double his negatives, shove his 
 food into his mouth with his knife, prefer 
 the corner of a table-cloth to a napkin, and 
 be an alien in the matter of finger-bowls. 
 
 It is possible that two women may 
 work together harmoniously in church 
 and parish associations, each esteeming 
 the other's excellent qualities of heart and 
 enjoying the fellowship of her "kindred 
 mind," and yet that both should be in- 
 tensely uncomfortable if forced into re- 
 
 278
 
 CHURCH AND PARISH 
 
 ciprocal social relations that have nothing 
 to do with church or charity. 
 
 These are plain facts no reasonable per- 
 son will dispute. In view of them the fact, 
 equally patent, that the Newlyrich clan 
 invariably resort to church connection as a 
 lever to raise them to a higher social plane, 
 is one of the anomalies of human inter- 
 course that may well stir the satirist to 
 bitter ridicule and move compassionate be- 
 holders to wonder. 
 
 "When they begin to feel their oats 
 they go off to you!" laughed the keen- 
 witted, sweet-natured pastor of a down- 
 town church to a brother clergyman whose 
 flock worshiped in a finer building and a 
 fashionable neighborhood. "The sheep 
 with the golden fleece always finds a 
 breach in our church-wall." 
 
 It takes him, his ewe and his lambs, a 
 long time to learn that pew-proximity 
 does not bring about social sympathy. It 
 279
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 is not a week since I saw a girl, a thor- 
 oughbred from crown to toe, flush in sur- 
 prise and draw herself up in unconscious 
 hauteur, when a flashily-dressed young 
 person greeted her across the vestibule of 
 a concert-room with "Hello, Nellie! didn't 
 we have a bully time last night?" 
 
 They had attended a Sunday-school an- 
 niversary, and as their classes were side by 
 side, had exchanged remarks in the inter- 
 vals of recitations, songs and addresses. 
 The parvenu's clothes were more costly 
 than "Nellie's;" her father was richer; 
 they were members of the same church! 
 To her vulgar mind these circumstances 
 gave her the right to take a liberty with a 
 slight acquaintance such as no well-bred 
 person would have dreamed of assuming. 
 
 First, then, I place among the maxims 
 of Church and Parish Etiquette: Do not 
 imagine that your next pew-neighbor 
 must be your acquaintance. If she be a 
 
 280
 
 CHURCH AND PARISH 
 
 new-comer and a stranger in the congre- 
 gation, bow to her in meeting in lobby or 
 in aisle, gravely and yet cordially, recog- 
 nizing her as a fellow -worshiper in a tem- 
 ple where all are welcome and equal. If 
 you can be of service to her in finding the 
 place of hymn or psalm, should she be at 
 a loss, perform the neighborly service 
 tactfully and graciously, always be- 
 cause you are in the House of the All- 
 Father, and are His children, not that 
 you seek to court a mortal's favor for any 
 ulterior purpose. 
 
 In meeting her on the street let your 
 salutation be ready, and pleasant, but not 
 familiar. Don't "Hello, Nellie!" her, then 
 or ever, while bearing in mind that non- 
 recognition of one you know to be a regu- 
 lar attendant at the same church with 
 yourself, yet a comparative stranger 
 there, is unkind and un-Christian. 
 
 The case is different if you are the 
 281
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 stranger. Friendly advances should come 
 from the other side. If they are not made, 
 there is nothing for you to do but to con- 
 tent yourself with the recollection that you 
 go to church to worship God, not to make 
 acquaintances. Never depend on your 
 church-connection for society. If you 
 find congenial associates there, rejoice in 
 the happy circumstance and make the 
 most of it. If you do not, do not rail at 
 the congregation as "stiff and stuck up," 
 at the church as a hollow sham, and the 
 pastor as an unfaithful shepherd. The 
 expectation on the part of some people 
 that he should neglect the weightier mat- 
 ters of the law and the gospel, and prosti- 
 tute his holy office by becoming a social 
 pudding-stick for incorporating into "a 
 jolly crowd" the divers elements of those 
 to whom he is called to minister, disgraces 
 humanity and civilization not to say 
 Christianity. 
 
 282
 
 CHURCH AND PARISH 
 
 Pew-hospitality has fallen into disuse 
 to a great extent of late years, principally 
 on account of the usher-service. The 
 tendency of this partial desuetude is to 
 make pew-owners utterly careless of their 
 obligation to entertain strangers. Re- 
 gard for the best interests of your partic- 
 ular church-organization should suggest 
 to you as a duty that you notify the usher 
 in your aisle of your willingness to receive 
 strangers into your pews whenever the 
 one or two vacant seats there may be 
 needed. If your family fills them all 
 every Sunday, you can not exercise the 
 grace of hospitality. 
 
 When one or two, or three, are to be ab- 
 sent from either service, however, take the 
 trouble to apprise the oft-sorely-per- 
 plexed official of the fact, and give him 
 leave to bring to your door any one he has 
 to seat. When the stranger appears, let 
 him see at once that you esteem his coming 
 
 283
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 a pleasure. Give him a good seat, a book 
 and a welcome generally. 
 
 By this behavior you commend to his 
 favor your church, human nature, and the 
 cause dearest to your heart. 
 
 If you are the visiting worshiper, and 
 it is evident that the other occupants of 
 the pew are the owners thereof, make 
 courteous and grateful acknowledgment 
 at the close of the service, of the hospital- 
 ity you have received. I hope the return 
 you get will not be the cold, supercilious 
 stare one true gentlewoman had from the 
 holder of a pew in the middle aisle of a 
 fashionable church in New York. The 
 guest put into Mrs. Haut Ton's pew, 
 thanked the latter simply and gracefully 
 for the opportunity given her of hearing 
 an admirable sermon. 
 
 "Who are you that dare address me!" 
 said the silent stare. "It is bad enough to 
 have my pew invaded by an unvouched- 
 
 284
 
 CHURCH AND PARISH 
 
 for stranger without being subjected to 
 the impertinence of speech !" 
 
 The last place upon God's earth where 
 incivility and the arrogance of self-con- 
 ceit are admissible is His house. "Be piti- 
 ful," writes the apostle who learned his 
 code of manners from One who has been 
 not irreverently called "the truest gentle- 
 man who ever lived." "Be pitiful; be 
 courteous !" 
 
 The relations of parishioner and the 
 pastor's family are often strained hard by 
 the popular misconception of the social 
 obligations existing or that should ex- 
 ist between them. In no "call" that I 
 ever heard of is the clergyman enjoined 
 to cater to the whims and vanities of ex- 
 acting members by visits that are not de- 
 manded by spiritual or temporal needs, 
 and which minister to nothing but the 
 aforesaid jealous vanity. Send for a 
 clergyman when his priestly offices are re- 
 
 285
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 quired. For the rest of his precious time 
 let him come as he likes, and go whither 
 he considers his duty calls him. He was a 
 man before he took orders, and the man 
 has social rights. Let him "neighbor," as 
 old-fashioned folk used to say, with his 
 kind. 
 
 The aforesaid "call" makes no mention 
 of his family. If you like to call on them 
 when they come to the parish, and if 
 you find them congenial your conge- 
 ners in fact keep up the association as 
 you would with your doctor's, or your 
 lawyer's family. That you belong to 
 Doctor Barnabas' parish, that you are the 
 wife or daughter of an officer in his 
 church, gives you absolutely no claim 
 on his wife or daughters beyond what you, 
 individually, possess. To demand that 
 Mrs. Barnabas, refined in every instinct, 
 highly-educated and with tastes for what 
 is best and highest in social companion- 
 
 286
 
 CHURCH AND PARISH 
 
 ship, should be bullied and patronized by 
 .Mrs. Million, a purse-proud vulgarian, 
 unlearned and stupid, is sheer barbarity. 
 Yet we see it and worse in every 
 American church. 
 
 Do you, sensible and amenable reader, 
 lead the way to better things; loosen at 
 least one buckle of the harness that bows 
 many a fine spirit to breaking, and makes 
 "the Church" a smoke in the nostrils of 
 unprejudiced outsiders. Separate ecclesi- 
 astical from social relations. Owe your 
 right to call a fellow parishioner "friend," 
 and to visit at manse or parsonage, or 
 rectory, to what you are not to the ad- 
 ventitious circumstance of being a mem- 
 ber in good standing in a fashionable, or 
 an unfashionable, church. Exact no con- 
 sideration from those who belong with 
 you to the household of faith on the 
 ground of that spiritual "fellowship." 
 
 The position is false ; the claim ignoble. 
 287
 
 XXV 
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD 
 
 The pessimist, reading the heading of 
 this chapter, would be inclined to ask if 
 one writes nowadays of a lost quantity. 
 While we do not consider the grace of 
 courtesy as entirely lost, we are at times 
 tempted to think that it has "gone before," 
 and so far before that it is lost sight of 
 by the rising generation. 
 
 The days have passed when the hoary 
 head was a crown of glory, as the royal 
 preacher declares. It is certain that if it is 
 a crown, it is one before which the youth 
 of the twentieth century do not bow. 
 
 Before we condemn the young unspar- 
 ingly for their lack of reverence, we must 
 look at the other side of the question. To- 
 day there are few old people. First, there 
 
 288
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 
 
 is youth. That lasts almost until one is a 
 grandparent; then one is middle-aged. 
 No one is old, at least few will acknow- 
 ledge it. The woman of forty-five is on 
 "the shady side of thirty," she of sixty- 
 five, is "on the down-slope from fifty." 
 And, even when the age is announced, one 
 is reminded that "a woman is only as old 
 as she feels." There is sound common 
 sense in all this. Can not we afford to 
 snap our fingers at Father Time and his 
 laws, when the law within ourselves tells 
 us that we are young in heart, in feeling, 
 in aims? So the principle that bids us 
 shut our eyes at the figure on the mile- 
 stone we are passing is a good one. As 
 long as we feel fresh still for the journey, 
 as long as every step is a pleasure, what 
 difference if the walk has been five miles 
 long or fifteen? We judge of the strain 
 by the effect it has had on us. If we 
 feel unwearied and ready for miles and 
 289
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 miles ahead of us, who shall say that 
 the walk has been ten miles long, when we 
 are conscious in our energetic limbs that it 
 has only been two delightful miles? 
 
 The fact that no one is now old has 
 its effect on the Young Person in our 
 midst. She hesitates to say to the matron, 
 "Take this seat, please!" when she knows 
 that in her soul the matron will resent the 
 insinuation that she is on the downward 
 grade. Not long ago I witnessed the 
 chagrin of a woman of thirty-five who 
 rose and gave her seat in a stage to a 
 woman who was, if one may judge by the 
 false standard of appearances, at least 
 fifteen years her senior. The elderly 
 woman flushed indignantly: 
 
 "Pray keep your seat, madam!" she 
 commanded in stentorian tones. "I may 
 be gray-headed, but I am not old or de- 
 crepit!" 
 
 She of thirty-five had cast her pearls of 
 290
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 
 
 courtesy before swine, and assuredly they 
 had been trampled underfoot. 
 
 I fancy that one reason gray hair is 
 becoming fashionable is this desire to 
 cling to youth. Every year more young 
 women tell us that they are prematurely 
 gray, and their sister-women add eagerly, 
 "So many women are, nowadays!" 
 
 Our Young Person must, then, be very 
 careful how she displays the feeling of 
 reverence for age which, we would like to 
 believe, is inherent in every well-regulated 
 nature. She must exercise tact, without 
 which no person shall have popularity. 
 
 One point in which Young America 
 displays lamentable vulgarity is in the 
 habit of interrupting older people. In- 
 terruptions, we of a former generation 
 were taught, are rude. That is a forgot- 
 ten fact in many so-called polite circles. 
 And when people do not interrupt they 
 seem to be waiting for the person speak- 
 291
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ing to finish what he has to say in order to 
 "cut in" (no other expression describes it 
 fitly) with some new and original remark. 
 That is, apparently, the only reason that 
 one listens to others, just for the sake of 
 having some one to answer. The world is 
 full of things, and getting fuller every 
 day, and unless one talks most of the time 
 he will never be able to air his opinions on 
 all points. And every one's opinion is of 
 priceless value, at least to himself. This 
 seems to be the attitude of Young Amer- 
 ica. Yet in courtesy to the hoary head one 
 should occasionally pause long enough to 
 allow the owner thereof to express an 
 opinion. Although one has passed fifty, 
 one may, nevertheless, have sound judg- 
 ment, and ideas on some subjects that are 
 worth consideration. I wish young men 
 and women would occasionally remember 
 this. 
 
 The woman of sixty, or over, can really 
 292
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 
 
 learn little of value from her grand- 
 daughter, even when that granddaugh- 
 ter is a college graduate, and has all the 
 arrogance of twenty years. Of course, 
 grandmother may need enlightenment 
 on college athletics, on golf, even, per- 
 haps, on bridge, although that is very 
 doubtful, if she lives in a fashionable 
 neighborhood. But, after all, these are 
 not the greatest things of life. She 
 would, perchance, be glad to listen to her 
 young relative's accounts of her sports if 
 she would take the trouble to tell the hap- 
 penings that interest her, in a loving, re- 
 spectful spirit. Our elderly woman does 
 not like to be patronized, to be told that 
 she dresses like an old fashion-plate, and 
 that she is, to use the slang of the day, a 
 "back number." The grandmother knows 
 better. She has lived and she is sure that 
 from her store of knowledge of life, 
 of men, women and things as they really 
 293
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 are, she could bring forth treasures, new 
 and old, that would be of great help to the 
 hot-headed, impulsive young girl about 
 to risk all on the perilous journey that lies 
 before her. 
 
 I would, therefore, suggest that Our 
 Girl practise deference toward her elders. 
 At first she may not find it easy, but it is 
 worth cultivating. It is, moreover, much 
 more becoming than the arrogance and 
 aggressiveness too common nowadays. 
 There is something wrong when a person 
 feels no respect for one who has attained 
 to double or treble her years. There is 
 something lacking. The collegians of 
 both sexes would do well to turn their 
 analytical minds on themselves, and, as 
 improvement is the order of the day, 
 add to their fund of becoming attain- 
 ments the sweet, old-fashioned attribute 
 of courtesy and reverence toward age. 
 
 It is easy, after all, if one will watch 
 294
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 
 
 carefully, to do the little kind thing that 
 makes for comfort, and not do it aggres- 
 sively. It is not necessary to adjust a pil- 
 low at the elderly person's back as if she 
 needed it. I saw a sweet woman put a 
 pillow behind an invalid with such tact 
 that the sufferer, who was acutely sensi- 
 tive on the subject of her condition, did 
 not suspect that her hostess had her ill- 
 ness in mind. 
 
 "My dear," said this tactful woman, 
 "if you are 'built' as I am, you must find 
 that chair desperately uncomfortable 
 without a cushion behind you! I simply 
 will not sit in it without this little bit of a 
 pillow wedged in at the small of my back. 
 I find it so much more comfortable so, 
 that I am sure you will." 
 
 And the cushion was adjusted. Could 
 even supersensitive and suspicious Old 
 Age have resented such attention? 
 
 Of course elderly people like to talk. 
 
 295
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Why should they not be allowed to do it? 
 iThe boy or girl listener is impatient of 
 what he or she terms inwardly "garrulous- 
 ness." Is not the prattle of youth as try- 
 ing to old people? But, to do them justice, 
 unless they are very crabbed, they listen 
 to it kindly. 
 
 Unfortunately one seldom sees a young 
 person rise and remain standing when an 
 old person enters the room. Yet to loll 
 back in a chair under such circumstances 
 is one of the greatest rudenesses of which 
 a girl or boy is capable. 
 
 Right here, may I put in a plea for the 
 old man? In the first place, he is not as 
 popular as the old woman. She is often be- 
 loved ; he, poor soul ! is too often endured. 
 In very truth he is not so lovable as his 
 lady-wife. He did not take the time while 
 he was young to cultivate the little nice- 
 ties of life as she did. Women have more 
 regard for appearances than men have, 
 296
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 
 
 and their life is not spent so often in count- 
 ing-room and office ; they are, in their daily 
 life, surrounded by refined persons more 
 than are their husbands ; they do not have 
 to talk by the hour with rough men, give 
 orders to surly underlings, eat at lunch 
 counters, and join in the morning and 
 evening rush-for-life to get a seat in the 
 crowded car or train where the law is 
 "Sauve qui pent!" or, in brutal English 
 "Every man for himself and" no matter 
 who "for the hindmost!" All these 
 things, after years and years, influence the 
 man or woman. It is inevitable. It even 
 affects the inner life. The Book of books 
 tells us that though the outward man per- 
 ish, the inward man is renewed day by day. 
 Sometimes the inward man is hardly worth 
 renewing at the end of a life of sucli rush 
 and mad haste after the elusive dollar that 
 there has been no place for the gentle 
 amenities of existence. Therefore, as the 
 297
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 man gets old, his nature comes to the 
 front, and, too often, the courtesies that 
 were pinned on him by a loving wife, and 
 kept polished up by her, drop off and he 
 does not want to bother to have them re- 
 adjusted. Consequently, he often has hab- 
 its that are not pretty. He is irascible ; he 
 is intolerant with youth, and, now that he 
 is laid aside, he likes to tell of what he did 
 when he was as active as the young men 
 about him. Dear young people, let him 
 talk! Listen to him, and remember that at 
 your age he was just as agreeable as you. 
 Consider, too, that if, when you are old, 
 you would escape being the self-absorbed 
 being you think him, you would do well 
 now to begin to avoid the selfishness and 
 self-absorption that you find make the old 
 man objectionable. Practise on him, and 
 he will in his old age still be doing a good 
 work. 
 
 It is not pleasant to feel old, to know 
 
 298
 
 COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 
 
 that you are set aside in the minds of 
 others as "a has-been." There are few 
 more cruel lessons given to human beings 
 to learn in this hard school we call life. 
 And this task has to be learned when 
 strength and courage wane, and the grass- 
 hopper is a burden. If young people 
 would only make it unnecessary for the 
 older person to acquire it! It lies with 
 youth to make the declining years of those 
 near the end of the journey a weary wait- 
 ing for that end, or a peaceful loitering 
 on a road that shall be a foretaste of a 
 Land in which no one ever grows old. 
 
 299
 
 XXVI 
 
 MISTRESS AND MAID 
 
 They were not foreordained from all 
 eternity to be sworn enemies. Could that 
 fact be impressed on the mind of each, 
 there would be less friction between them. 
 
 Where, in this day and in this country, 
 is found the family servant who follows 
 the fortunes of her employers through ad- 
 versity and evil report, asking only to be 
 allowed to live among those who have 
 shown her kindness, who have taught her 
 all she knows, and who have been kinder 
 to her than her own family have been? 
 She may exist in the imagination of the 
 optimistic novelist, but not in reality. 
 Once in a great while such a servant, well- 
 advanced in life, is found, but she is a 
 rara avis. 
 
 300
 
 MISTRESS AND MAID 
 
 It is trite to say that in this country the 
 servant matter is all askew. We know 
 that, and it is incumbent on us to make 
 the best of matters as we find them. To 
 do this both mistress and maid should be 
 impressed with the fact expressed in the 
 opening sentence of this chapter. As mat- 
 ters now are, the maid sees in the mistress 
 a possible tyrant, one who will exact the 
 pound of flesh, and, if the owner thereof 
 be not on her guard, will insist on a few 
 extra ounces thrown in for good measure. 
 The mistress sees in the suspicious girl 
 a person who will, if the chance be offered 
 her, turn against her employer, will do the 
 smallest amount of work possible for the 
 highest wages she can demand; break 
 china, smash glass, shut her eyes to dirt 
 in the corners, and accept the first oppor- 
 tunity that offers itself to leave her pres- 
 ent place and get one that demands fewer 
 duties and larger pay. 
 
 301
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 One of the great mistakes of the mis- 
 tress is that she lets the state of affairs 
 annoy her. Why should she? The 
 maid is not "her own kind," and the 
 woman is wrong who judges the unedu- 
 cated, ill-reared hireling by the rules 
 that govern the better classes. The ser- 
 vant and the employer have been reared in 
 different worlds, and to ignore this fact 
 is folly. How often do we see the 
 mistress "hurt" because of Norah's lack 
 of consideration for her and her time, and 
 vexed because the servant fails to ap- 
 preciate any kindness shown her? Let her 
 accept the condition of affairs as what the 
 slangy boy would call "part of the game," 
 and not waste God-given nerve and en- 
 ergy in worrying over it. If she gets 
 reasonably good return in work for the 
 wages she pays, she should be content. To 
 expect gratitude of the working-class is, 
 too often, but hunting for the proverbial 
 
 302
 
 MISTRESS AND MAID 
 
 needle in the stack of hay. Blessed is she 
 who does not seek it, for she will never be 
 
 % 
 
 disappointed. 
 
 Nor should the mistress expect a friend 
 and counselor in the maid. Once in a 
 while, one meets a servant who, by some 
 accident, is capable of discerning the re- 
 finement of nature in her employer, and of 
 respecting it. In this case, she may care 
 more for the employer for knowing that 
 she is trusted. The mistress who, ac- 
 knowledging this, makes a confidante of 
 her maid, is running a great risk. It is an 
 unnatural state of affairs, and unnatural 
 relations are never likely to be successful 
 or happy. 
 
 Yes! there is no doubt about it, the 
 system of domestic service is all wrong, 
 and it grows worse. Except in a few ex- 
 ceptional cases, the distrust of the house- 
 wife for the maid-of-all-work, the suspi- 
 cious attitude of said maid toward her 
 
 SOS
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 nominal mistress, increase with each pass- 
 ing year. 
 
 The evil is so great that the only remedy 
 lies in each household doing by itself the 
 best that lies within its power to change 
 the current. Were each housewife in the 
 country to strive to better matters, the 
 change would soon be apparent. 
 
 It is a fact that, by appealing to the 
 best in human nature be that nature 
 American, Irish, German or Scandina- 
 vian we elicit the best from our fellow 
 creatures. Let the mistress, then, try to 
 believe in the good intentions of her ser- 
 vant, or, if she can not really believe in 
 them, let her intend to do so. Her at- 
 titude of mind will, unconsciously to her- 
 self, make itself felt upon her hireling. 
 Let her take it for granted that the "new 
 girl" means to stay, is honest, trustworthy, 
 and anxious to please, and let her talk to 
 her as if all these things were foregone 
 
 304
 
 MISTRESS AND MAID 
 
 conclusions. She may show by gentle man- 
 ner and kindly consideration that Xorah 
 or Gretchen is a sister-woman, not a ma- 
 chine. If the washing or ironing happens 
 to be heavy, let her suggest a simple des- 
 sert of fruit, instead of the pudding that 
 had been planned. And if the maid's 
 heavy eyes and forced smile show that she 
 is not well, let the mistress, for a brief 
 moment, put herself in the place of the 
 hireling, and think what she would want 
 done for her under similar circumstances. 
 She will then suggest that some of the 
 work that can be deferred be laid aside un- 
 til the following day, or offer to give a 
 hand in making the beds or dusting the 
 rooms. 
 
 "But," declares the systematic house- 
 wife, "I do not hire a servant, and then 
 do my own housework 1" 
 
 No! Neither did you hire your maid-of- 
 all-work to be a sick nurse, but were you 
 
 305
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ill it would be she who would cook your 
 meals, carry up your tray and take care 
 of you, unless you were so ill as to need 
 the services of a trained attendant. Bear 
 this in mind, and show the maid that you 
 do bear it in mind. 
 
 It is a more difficult matter to get the 
 servant to look at the subject from this 
 standpoint. She has not been educated to 
 regard things from both sides. It is the 
 custom of her cult to meet and, in conclave 
 assembled, to compare the faults, foibles 
 and failings of their employers. And 
 when they do commend an employer for 
 kind treatment it is, as a rule, only to 
 make the lot of another servant look 
 darker by contrast with the bright one de- 
 picted. 
 
 "Oh, me dear!" exclaims Bridget on 
 entering Norah's kitchen at eight-thirty 
 in the evening and finding her still wash- 
 ing dishes. "And is this the hour that a 
 
 306
 
 MISTRESS AND MAID 
 
 poor, hard-working girl is kept up to 
 wash the dinner-things? There are no 
 such doin's in my kitchen, I tell ye! My 
 lady knows that I ain't made of iron, and 
 she knows, too, that I would not put up 
 with such an imposition!" 
 
 The fact that Norah's mistress has 
 helped her all day with the work, that she 
 is herself the victim of unexpected com- 
 pany; that she regrets as much as Norah 
 can that the unavoidable detention at the 
 office of the master of the house has made 
 dinner later than usual, does not deter 
 the suddenly-enlightened girl from feel- 
 ing herself a martyr, and the seed of hate 
 and distrust is quick to bear fruit in an of- 
 fensive manner and a sulky style of 
 speech. 
 
 She does not pause to take into con- 
 sideration that, while she may just now 
 be doing extra work, she also receives daily 
 extra kindnesses and consideration that 
 307
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 were not agreed upon in the contract of 
 her hire. 
 
 There are just two rules that make the 
 relations of mistress and maid tolerable or 
 pleasant. One is that everything be put on 
 a purely business basis an arrangement, 
 we may remark, that the maid would be 
 the first to resent. If she is willing to give 
 only what she is paid for, she must be 
 willing that no margin be allowed to her, 
 and that she be expected to live up to her 
 part of the contract, fulfilling every duty 
 as well as any servant possibly could, ex- 
 pecting no allowances or indulgences, and 
 receiving just the "times off" for which 
 she bargains. Only that, and no more! 
 She would soon weary of the bargain. 
 
 The other rule, and the better, is 
 that a little practical Christianity be 
 brought into the relationship, that the 
 maid do her best, cheerfully and will- 
 ingly, and that the mistress treat her in 
 
 308
 
 MISTRESS AND MAID 
 
 the same spirit, giving her little pleasures 
 when it is within her power to do so, trying 
 to smooth the rough places, and to make 
 crooked things straight. Then, let each 
 respect the other and make the best of 
 the situation. If it is intolerable, it may be 
 changed. If not intolerable, let each re- 
 member that there is no law, human or 
 divine, that demands that the contract 
 stand for ever and let each dissolve the 
 partnership when she wishes to do so. 
 Until this is done, mistress and maid 
 should keep silence as to the faults of the 
 other, trying to see rather the virtues than 
 the failings of a sister-woman. 
 
 I wish that some word of mine with re- 
 gard to this matter could sink into the 
 mind of the mistress. I fear that it will 
 never be possible to train the maid not to 
 talk of her mistress to her friends. But 
 the employer should be above discussing 
 her servants with outsiders. This is one 
 
 309
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 of the most glaring faults of conversa- 
 tion, one of the most flagrant breaches 
 of conversational etiquette among women 
 of refinement. The hackneyed warning 
 that the three D's to be banished from po- 
 lite conversation are Dress, Disease and 
 Domestics, has not been heeded by the av- 
 erage housewife, so far as the last D is 
 concerned. She will fill willing and un- 
 willing ears with the account of her ser- 
 vants' impertinences, of their faults, of 
 how they are leaving without giving 
 warning, and of how ungrateful all ser- 
 vants are, until one would think that her 
 own soul was not above that of the laun- 
 dress, chambermaid and cook, whose fail- 
 ings she dissects in public. Such talk re- 
 minds one of the conversation with which 
 Bridget regales an admiring and indig- 
 nant coterie. With the uneducated hire- 
 ling, it may be pardonable ; in the case of 
 the educated employer it is inexcusable. 
 
 310
 
 XXVII 
 
 A FINANCIAL STUDY FOR OUR YOUNG MAR- 
 RIED COUPLE 
 
 Thirty years ago I held a heart-to-heart 
 talk with reasonable, well-meaning hus- 
 bands on the vital subject of the mone- 
 tary relations between man and wife. 
 
 I quote a paragraph the force of which 
 has been confirmed to my mind by the ad- 
 ditional experience and observation of 
 three more decades than were set to my 
 credit upon the age-roll when I penned 
 the words: 
 
 "I have studied this matter long and 
 seriously, and I offer you as the result of 
 my observation in various walks of life, 
 and careful calculation of labor and ex- 
 pense, the bold assertion that every wife 
 who performs her part, even tolerably 
 
 311
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 well, in whatsoever rank of society, more 
 than earns her living, and that this should 
 be an acknowledged fact with both parties 
 to the marriage contract. The idea of her 
 dependence upon her husband is essen- 
 tially false and mischievous, and should 
 be done away with, at once and for ever. 
 It has crushed self-respect out of thou- 
 sands of women; it has scourged thou- 
 sands from the marriage-altar to the 
 tomb, with a whip of scorpions; it has 
 driven many to desperation and crime." 
 
 I have headed this chapter "A Finan- 
 cial Study for Our Young Married 
 Couple" because I have little hope of 
 changing the opinions and custom of 
 the mature benedict. One youthful wed- 
 ded pair should come to a rational mutual 
 understanding in the first week of house- 
 keeping as to an equitable division of the 
 income on which they are to live together. 
 
 If you our generic "John" shrink 
 
 312
 
 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 
 
 from coming down to "cold business" be- 
 fore the echoes of the wedding-bells have 
 died in ear and in heart, call the discussion 
 a "Matter of Marriage Etiquette," and 
 approach it confidently. And do you, Mrs. 
 John, meet his overtures in a straightfor- 
 ward, sensible way, with no foolish shrink- 
 ing from the idea of even apparent inde- 
 pendence of him to whom you have in- 
 trusted your person and your happiness. 
 It is, of course, your part to harken 
 quietly to whatever proposition your more 
 businesslike spouse may make as to the 
 just partition, not of his means, which are 
 likewise yours, but of the sums you are 
 respectively to handle and to spend. Do 
 not accept what he apportions for your 
 use as a benefaction. He has endowed you 
 with all his worldly goods, and the law 
 confirms the endowment to a certain ex- 
 tent. You are a co-proprietor not a pen- 
 sioner. If, while the glamour of Love's 
 
 313
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 Young Dream envelops and dazes you, 
 you are chilled by what seems sordid and 
 commonplace, take the word of an old 
 campaigner for it that the time will come 
 when your "allowance" will be a factor 
 in happiness as well as in comfort. 
 
 May I quote to John another and a 
 longer extract from the thirty-year-old 
 "Talk concerning Allowances?" 
 
 "Set aside from your income what you 
 adjudge to be a reasonable and liberal 
 sum for the maintenance of your house- 
 hold in the style suitable for people of 
 your means and position. Determine what 
 purchases you will yourself make, and 
 what shall be intrusted to your wife, and 
 put the money needed for her proportion 
 into her care as frankly as you take charge 
 of your share. Try the experiment of 
 talking to her as if she were a business 
 partner. Let her understand what you can 
 afford to do, and what you can not. If 
 
 314
 
 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 
 
 in this explanation you can say 'we' and 
 'ours,' you will gain a decided moral ad- 
 vantage, although it may be at the cost 
 of masculine prejudice and pride of 
 power. Impress upon her mind that a 
 certain sum, made over to her apart from 
 the rest, is hers absolutely, not a present 
 from you, but her honest earnings, and 
 that you would not be honest were you to 
 withhold it. And do not ask her 'if that 
 will do?' any more than you would ad- 
 dress the question to any other woman. 
 With what cordial detestation wives re- 
 gard that brief query which drops, like 
 a sentence of the Creed, from husbandly 
 lips, I leave your spouse to tell you. Also, 
 if she ever heard of a woman who an- 
 swered anything but 'Yes!' ' 
 
 Carrying out the idea of co-partner- 
 ship, should your wife exceed her allow- 
 ance, running herself, and consequently 
 you, into debt, meet the exigency as you 
 
 315
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 would a similar indiscretion on the part 
 of a young and inexperienced member of 
 your firm. Treat the extravagance as a 
 mistake, not a fault. Not one girl-wife 
 in one hundred who has not been a wage- 
 earner has had any experience in the 
 management of finances. The father 
 gives the daughter money when she (or 
 her mother) tells him that she needs it, or 
 would like to have it. When it is gone he 
 is applied to for more. She has been a 
 beneficiary all her life, usually an ir- 
 responsible, thoughtless recipient of what 
 is lavished or doled out to her, according 
 to the parental whim and means. 
 
 Teach her business methods, tactfully, 
 yet decidedly. 
 
 One young wife I wot of began keep- 
 ing the expense-book presented to her by 
 her husband with these entries : 
 
 "January fourth. Received $75.00 
 ( Seventy-five dollars) . 
 
 316
 
 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 
 
 "January sixth. Spent $70.25 shop- 
 ping, etc. 
 
 "Balance $4.75 set down to Profit and 
 Loss." 
 
 After fifteen years of married life her 
 husband died, bequeathing the whole of 
 a large estate to her, and making her sole 
 guardian of their three children, a con- 
 fidence fully justified by her conduct of 
 the affairs thus committed to her. 
 
 "My husband trained me patiently and 
 thoroughly," she said to one who compli- 
 mented her financial sagacity. "I was an 
 ignoramus when we were married." 
 
 Then laughingly she related the "profit 
 and loss" incident. 
 
 It is the fashion to sneer at women's 
 business methods. Who are to blame for 
 their blunders? 
 
 Should your wife play with her allow- 
 ance, as a child with a new toy, let cen- 
 sure fall upon those who have kept her 
 317
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 in leading-strings. Teach her gradually 
 to comprehend her responsibilities. The 
 sense of them will steady her un- 
 less she be exceptionally feather-brained. 
 Be she wasteful or frugal, the allowance 
 you have made to her is as honestly hers 
 to have, to hold or to spend, as the third 
 of your estate which the law will give her 
 in the event of your death. 
 
 "Settlements," according to the Eng- 
 lish sense of the word, are not yet com- 
 mon in the United States. One Amer- 
 ican father, whose daughter was on the 
 eve of marriage with an Englishman, or- 
 dered the prospective groom out of the 
 house when the foreigner queried inno- 
 cently as to the "settlements" the future 
 father-in-law intended to make upon his 
 child. 
 
 A man with a reputation for fortune- 
 hunting had nearly rid himself of the slur 
 by insisting that his fiancee's large estate 
 
 318
 
 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 
 
 should be settled absolutely upon herself. 
 Her quondam guardian put a different 
 complexion on the generous act by di- 
 vulging the circumstance that the hus- 
 band, by the same "settlement," had made 
 himself sole trustee of his wife's property 
 of every description. 
 
 While there are, perhaps, fewer purely 
 mercenary marriages in our country 
 than in any other, it can not be denied 
 that a large proportion of enterprising 
 young men act, consciously, or unwit- 
 tingly, on the advice of the Scotchman 
 who warned his son not to marry for 
 money, but in seeking a wife, "to gae 
 where money is." 
 
 "Is he marrying her fortune, or her- 
 self?" asked one gossip of another when 
 an approaching bridal was spoken of. 
 
 "They say he is very much in love with 
 her!" was the answer, uttered dubiously. 
 "I fancy, however, that he would have re- 
 319
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 pressed his passion, if she were a poor 
 girl." 
 
 Which brings us to a much more deli- 
 cate matter than the division of the in- 
 come earned, or inherited, by the bride- 
 groom. 
 
 It is a fact that may have much sig- 
 nificance or none that the bride makes 
 no mention of endowing her husband with 
 all, or any portion, of her worldly goods. 
 It is likewise significant that laws (of 
 man's devising) take it for granted that 
 her property goes with her, so that in most 
 of our states it is his without other act of 
 gift than the marriage ceremony. 
 
 The man who marries for money has 
 no scruples as to the acceptance and the 
 use of it. Sometimes it is squandered; 
 sometimes, but not often, it is hoarded; 
 most frequently "it goes into the hus- 
 band's business" and is invested by him 
 for the benefit of himself and his family. 
 
 320
 
 OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 
 
 The nicer issue with which we have to 
 do is how our conscientious John, who 
 would have married his best girl if she had 
 not possessed one penny in her own right, 
 is to comport himself with regard to the 
 fortune, modest or considerable, which she 
 brings to him as dowry. 
 
 Briefly and clearly as a trust not to be 
 committed to the chances and changes of 
 his individual ventures. No investment 
 should be made of his wife's money with- 
 out her knowledge and full consent. In 
 all that he does where her funds are in- 
 volved, he should be her actuary, and what 
 profits result from "operations" with her 
 funds should be settled on herself and 
 children. By this course alone can he re- 
 tain his self-respect, his reputation as an 
 honorable man, and certainly disabuse his 
 wife's mind of any possible suspicion that 
 his affection was not wholly for her. 
 
 SS21
 
 XXVIII 
 
 MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES 
 
 The arrangement between husband and 
 wife concerning money matters should be 
 no more definite and business-like than 
 that subsisting between father and chil- 
 dren. To be taught early the real value 
 of money is a distinct assistance to finan- 
 cial integrity in later life. To have in 
 one's possession, even as a child, a sum 
 wholly one's own, conduces to a feeling 
 of self-respect and independence. As 
 soon as a child is old enough to know what 
 money is and that, for money, things are 
 bought and sold, he should have an al- 
 lowance, be it only a penny a week. Sug- 
 gestions, but not commands, as to its ex- 
 penditure should accompany the gift. 
 Gradually the weekly or monthly amount 
 
 322
 
 MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES 
 
 should be increased, and instructions 
 should be given as to its possible use. 
 
 A child may be advised properly to di- 
 vide his small funds between pleasure and 
 charity, or between the things bought 
 solely for his own benefit and those for the 
 benefit of others, the value of the expendi- 
 ture, in each case, being dependent on the 
 freedom of his choice. As he grows older 
 he should be taught to expend money 
 for necessities. He should be trained to 
 buy his own clothes and other personal be- 
 longings. This sort of training, often 
 disastrously neglected, is of far more 
 practical value than many things taught 
 in the schools. The feeling of responsi- 
 bility engendered in children or young 
 people by trusting them with a definite 
 amount of money for certain general pur- 
 poses, can scarcely fail of a happy result. 
 It binds them to a performance of duty 
 while it confers, at the same time, a de- 
 
 823
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 licious sense of freedom. An allowance 
 for necessities gives its recipient liberty of 
 choice in expenditure, but the choice must 
 be judicious or the recipient suffers. This 
 it does not take him long to find out. 
 
 Many a man who refuses his sons and 
 daughters allowances, permits them to run 
 up large bills at the various shops where 
 they trade. Exactly what the amount of 
 these bills will be he never knows, except 
 that it is sure to be larger than he wishes. 
 The children of such a man never have 
 any ready money. They do not know 
 what to count on and, in consequence, 
 not being trusted, they exercise all their 
 ingenuity to outwit the head of the fam- 
 ily and to trick from him exactly as much 
 money as possible. A young woman with 
 somewhat extravagant tendencies, who 
 belonged to the class of the unallowanced, 
 begged her father for a new gown. She 
 pleaded and pleaded in vain. Finally, he 
 
 324
 
 MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES 
 
 said if she had anything that could be 
 made over, he would stand for the bill. 
 This word to the wise was sufficient. She 
 took the waist-band of an old gown to her 
 modiste who built upon it a beautiful 
 frock for which she likewise sent in a 
 beautiful bill. Fortunately this daughter 
 had a father who was a connoisseur in wit, 
 and who could appreciate a joke even at 
 his own expense. But the example will 
 serve, as well as another, to illustrate the 
 lengths to which a woman may resort 
 when not treated as a reasonable and rea- 
 soning creature about money matters. 
 
 "I would rather have one-half the 
 amount of money of which I might other- 
 wise have the use, and have it in the form 
 of an allowance," said a young woman 
 who was discussing, with other young 
 women, the subject of expenditures. "If 
 I know what I am to have, I can spend it 
 to much better advantage. I can exercise 
 9*1
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 some method in my purchases. If I don't 
 know, I am likely to spend a large sum 
 on some two or three articles with the 
 hope that more is coming. Suddenly and 
 unexpectedly father sets his foot down on 
 further bills, and there I am with a dream 
 of a hat but no shoes, or with a ball-gown 
 and not a coat to my back." 
 
 Money plays some part in the life of 
 every human being belonging to a civil- 
 ized nation. The question of successful 
 and skilful expenditure is a vital ques- 
 tion for the majority of people. It is not 
 a question that can be solved without 
 training. Yet we educate children in 
 various unimportant matters, and, for the 
 most part, leave this of money untouched. 
 In no way can a child or a young person 
 be taught so readily and so quickly the 
 proper use of money as by limiting his 
 expenses to a certain sum, which sum he 
 nevertheless controls. 
 326
 
 XXIX 
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE 
 BIG THINGS 
 
 Seeing the prevalence of rudeness in 
 human intercourse, one is forced to be- 
 lieve that the natural man is a cross- 
 grained brute. That breeding and cul- 
 ture often convert him into a creature of 
 gentleness and refinement speaks volumes 
 for the powers of such influence. The 
 average man seems to take a savage de- 
 light in occasionally giving vent to brutal 
 or cutting speech. To yield thus to a 
 primal and savage instinct is to prove that 
 breeding and refinement are lacking. 
 
 There are certain business men who, 
 during business hours, meet one with a 
 brusk manner that would not be par- 
 doned in a petty tradesman. If we visit 
 them on their own business, not as in- 
 
 827
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 truders, it is the same. They seem to 
 feel that a certain disagreeable humor is 
 an indispensable accompaniment to the 
 occasion. Such insolence is usually taken 
 as a matter of course by the recipient, who 
 immediately feels penitent at the thought 
 of his intrusion. 
 
 Too often the physician who is not a 
 gentleman-at-heart, trades on the fact 
 that his patients regard him as a necessity, 
 and is as disagreeable as his temper at the 
 moment demands that he shall be. He 
 intimates that he is so busy that he has 
 scarcely time to give his advice; that the 
 person he attends had no business to get 
 ill, and, in fact, makes himself generally 
 so disagreeable it is to be wondered 
 at that the sufferer ever calls in this man 
 again. Yet in a drawing-room, and talk- 
 ing to a well person, this man's manner 
 would be charming. One sometimes feels 
 that sick people and physicians might well 
 
 328
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 be classed as "patients" and "impatients." 
 It is but fair to remark that, to the 
 credit of physicians, it is not always 
 those who have had the largest experience, 
 or who stand at the head of their profes- 
 sion who deserve to come under the above 
 condemnation. The men to whom the 
 world looks for advice in the matters of 
 which they have made a study, and who 
 are sure of their standing, are often the 
 gentlest, the most courteous. 
 
 Our busy men have need to remember 
 that the man who is gentle at heart shows 
 that gentleness in counting-room and of- 
 fice as well as in drawing-room and din- 
 ing-room, and the fact that the person 
 calling on him for business purposes or 
 advice is a woman, should compel him to 
 show the politeness which 
 
 "is to do and say 
 The kindest thing in the kindest way." 
 
 329
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 On the other hand, common courtesy 
 and consideration for another demand 
 that the person who intrudes on a man 
 when he is busy should state his business 
 briefly, and then take his departure. Only 
 the busy man or woman knows the agony 
 that comes with the knowledge that the 
 precious moments of the working hours 
 are being frittered away on that which is 
 unnecessary, when necessary work is 
 standing by, begging for the attention it 
 deserves and should receive. Let him who 
 would be careful on points of etiquette re- 
 member that there is an etiquette of work- 
 ing hours as well as of the hours of leisure 
 and sociability. 
 
 Perhaps the lapse from good breeding 
 most common in general society is the ask- 
 ing of questions. One is aghast at the 
 evidence of impertinent curiosity that 
 parades under the guise of friendly in- 
 terest. Interrogations as to the amount 
 
 330
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 of one's income, occupation, and even as 
 to one's age and general condition, are 
 legion and inexcusable. Every one who 
 writes be he a well-known author or a 
 penny-a-liner knows only too w r ell the 
 query, "What are you writing now?" and 
 knows, too, the feeling of impotent rage 
 awakened by this query. Yet, unless one 
 would be as rude as his questioner, he 
 must smile inanely and make an evasive 
 answer. 
 
 To ask no question does not, of neces- 
 sity, mean a lack of interest in the person 
 with whom one is conversing. A polite 
 and sympathetic attention will show a 
 more genuine and appreciative interest 
 than much inquisitiveness. 
 
 While we are on this subject, it may be 
 well to mention that a lack of interest in 
 what is being told one is a breach of 
 courtesy that is all too common. Often one 
 sees a man or woman deliberately pick up 
 
 331
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 a book or paper, open it and glance over 
 it while his interlocutor is in the midst of 
 a story he means to make interesting. If 
 the conversation is interesting, it deserves 
 the undivided attention of both persons; 
 if what is being said is not worth atten- 
 tion, the listener should at least respect the 
 speaker's intention to please. There is 
 nothing more dampening to conversa- 
 tional enthusiasm, or more "squelching" 
 to eloquence, than to find the eyes of the 
 person with whom one is talking fixed on 
 a book or magazine, which he declares lie 
 is simply "looking over," or at whose 
 pictures he is "only glancing." 
 
 A good listener is in himself an inspi- 
 ration. Even if one is not attracted by the 
 person to whom one is talking, one should 
 assume interest. This rule also holds 
 good with regard to the attention given to 
 a public speaker. In listening to a 
 preacher or to a lecturer, one should look 
 
 332
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 at him steadily, not allowing the eyes to 
 wander about the building and along ceil- 
 ing and walls. This habit of a seemingly 
 fixed attention is easily cultivated. If 
 one is really interested in the address, 
 it aids in the enjoyment and compre- 
 hension of it to watch the speaker's facial 
 play and gestures. If one is bored, one 
 may yet fix the eyes upon the face of 
 the person to whom one is supposed to be 
 listening, and continue to think one's own 
 thoughts and to plan one's own plans. 
 And certainly the person who is exerting 
 himself for the entertainment of his au- 
 dience will speak better and be more com- 
 fortable for the knowledge that eyes be- 
 longing to some one who is apparently ab- 
 sorbed in his address, are fixed upon him. 
 
 Conditions under which otherwise polite 
 persons feel that they can be rude are 
 those attendant on a telephone-conver- 
 sation. With the first "Hello" many a 
 
 833
 
 man drops his courtesy as if it were a gar- 
 ment that did not fit him. And women do 
 the same. If the "Central" were to record 
 all that she (it seems to be usually a 
 "she") hears, and all that is said to her, 
 our ears would tingle. True it is, that she 
 often is surly, pert, and ill-mannered. 
 But if she is ill-bred, that is no reason for 
 the "connecting parties" to follow suit. 
 Were one really amenable to arrest for 
 profanity over the wires, the police would 
 be kept busy if they performed their 
 duty. 
 
 But putting aside the underbred who 
 swears, let us listen for a moment to the 
 so-called courteous person, for he is 
 courteous under ordinary circumstances: 
 
 "Hello! Central! how long are you go- 
 ing to keep me waiting? I told you I 
 wanted '3040 Spring.' Yes! I did say that! 
 and if you would pay attention to your 
 business you would know it! I never saw 
 
 834>
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 such a worthless set as they have at that 
 Central office. Got them, did you? It's 
 time! Hello, 3040, is that you? Well, why 
 the devil didn't you send that stuff around 
 this morning? Going to, right away, are 
 you? Well, it's time you did. What ails 
 you people, anyway? Noll Central!!! I'm 
 not through, and I wish to heaven you'd 
 let this line alone when I'm talking," and 
 so on, ad infinitum. 
 
 Is all this worth while, and is it neces- 
 sary? And must women, who, as they call 
 themselves ladies, do not give vent to ex- 
 pressed profanity, so far copy the man- 
 ners of the so-called stronger sex that 
 they scream like shrews over the tele- 
 phone? 
 
 Calling one day on a woman whom 
 I had met with pleasure half-a-dozen 
 times, I was the unwilling listener to 
 her conversation with her grocer. She 
 began by rating Central for not ask- 
 
 335
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ing "What number?" as soon as the re- 
 ceiver was lifted from the hook. Having 
 warmed up to business on this unseen 
 girl, she got still more heated with the 
 grocer at the other end of the wire. She 
 had ordered one kind of apples, and he 
 had sent her another, and the slip of paper 
 containing the list of her purchases had 
 an item of a five-cent box of matches that 
 she had not ordered. With regard to all 
 of which she expostulated shrilly and with 
 numerous exclamations that were as near 
 as she dared come to masculine explosives, 
 such as "Great Heavens!" "Goodness 
 gracious!" and so forth. After threaten- 
 ing to transfer her custom to another 
 grocer, and refusing to accept the apol- 
 ogy of the abject tradesman, she compro- 
 mised by saying that she would give him 
 another trial, and hung up the receiver, 
 coming into the parlor and beginning 
 conversation once more in the even society 
 
 336
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 voice I had invariably heard before from 
 her. 
 
 That the ways of telephones and the 
 persons who operate them are trying, no 
 one can deny, least of all, the writer of 
 this chapter, who lives in a house with one 
 of these maddening essentials to human 
 comfort. But the loss of temper that man- 
 ifests itself in outward speech is not a 
 requisite of the proper appreciation and 
 use of the telephone. It is nothing less 
 than a habit, and a pernicious one, this 
 way we have of talking into the trans- 
 mitter. Let us remember that courtesy 
 pays better than curses, and politeness 
 better than profanity. If not, then let u? 
 have poorer service from Central and pre- 
 serve our self-respect. 
 
 A rudeness of which people who should 
 
 know better are frequently guilty is that 
 
 of criticizing a dear friend of the person 
 
 to whom one is talking. This is not only 
 
 337
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 ill-mannered, but actually unkind, and 
 one of many flagrant violations of the 
 Golden Rule. If a man loves his friend, 
 do not call his attention to that friend's 
 failing, nor twit him on his fondness 
 for such a person. He is happier for not 
 seeing the failings, and if the friendship 
 brings him any happiness, or makes life 
 even a little pleasanter for him, do not be 
 guilty of the cruelty of clouding that 
 happiness. If the man does see the faults 
 of him he loves, and loyally ignores them, 
 pretend that you are not aware of the 
 foibles toward which he would have you 
 believe him blind. The knowledge of the 
 peccadilloes of those in whom we trust 
 comes only too soon; we need not hurry 
 on the always-disappointing, often bitter 
 knowledge. 
 
 Perhaps lack of breeding shows in 
 nothing more than in the manner of re- 
 ceiving an invitation. Should a man say, 
 
 388
 
 patronizingly, "Oh, perhaps I can ar- 
 range to come," when you invite him to 
 some function, write him down as un- 
 worthy of another invitation. He is lack- 
 ing in respect to you and in appreciation 
 of the honor you confer on him in asking 
 him to partake of the hospitality you have 
 devised. 
 
 "Really," protested one man plain- 
 tively, "I am very tired! I have been out 
 every night for two weeks, and now you 
 want me for to-morrow night. I am 
 doubtful whether I ought to come. I am 
 so weary that I feel I need rest." 
 
 The stately woman who had asked him 
 to her house, smiled amusedly: 
 
 "Pray let me settle your doubts for 
 you," she said, "and urge you not to neg- 
 lect the rest nature demands. Your first 
 duty is to her, not to me." 
 
 The man was too obtuse or too con- 
 ceited to perceive the veiled sarcasm, and 
 
 389
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 to know that the invitation was with- 
 drawn. 
 
 Unless one receives special permission 
 from the person giving an invitation to 
 hold the matter open for some good and 
 sufficient reason, one should accept or de- 
 cline a verbal invitation as soon as it is 
 given. If circumstances make this im- 
 possible, one should apologize for hesitat- 
 ing, saying, "I am so anxious to come that 
 I am going to ask your permission to send 
 you my answer later, after I ascertain if 
 my husband has no engagement for that 
 evening," or some such form. The 
 would-be hostess will readily grant such a 
 request. 
 
 It may seem far-fetched to speak of in- 
 gratitude as a breach of etiquette, but the 
 lack of acknowledgment of favors is very 
 much like it. The man who accepts all 
 done for him as his due, who forgets the 
 "thank you" in return for the trifling 
 
 340
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 favor, is not a gentleman in that respect, 
 at least. The young men and young wom- 
 en of to-day are too often spoiled or heed- 
 less, taking pretty attentions offered them 
 as matters of course, and as their right. 
 
 In this chapter on miscellaneous eti- 
 quette it may be well to enforce what is 
 said elsewhere with regard to the respect 
 every man should show to women. For 
 instance, every man who really respects 
 the women of his family will remove his 
 hat when he enters the house. There are, 
 however, men who kiss these same women 
 with covered heads. 
 
 In a well-known play acted by a travel- 
 ing company some years ago in a small 
 town, the hero, standing in a garden, told 
 the heroine he loved her, was accepted by 
 her, and bent to kiss her, without remov- 
 ing the conventional derby from his blond 
 pate. All sentiment was destroyed for the 
 spectators when irate Hibernian accents 
 
 341
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 sounded forth from the gallery with: 
 "Suppose ye take off yer hat, ye ill-man- 
 nered blokey!" 
 
 The Irishman was in the right. 
 
 Before closing this chapter on miscel- 
 laneous points of etiquette, I would say 
 a word to those who, through bashfulness 
 or self -consciousness, do the things they 
 ought not to do and leave undone those 
 things which they ought to do. They are 
 so uncomfortable in society, so afraid of 
 not appearing as they should, and so 
 much absorbed in wondering how they 
 look and act, and wishing that they did 
 better, that they are guilty of the very 
 acts of omission and commission they 
 would guard against. 
 
 If I could give one rule to the bashful 
 it would be, Forget yourself and your af- 
 fairs in interest in others and their affairs. 
 Be so fully occupied noticing how well 
 others appear and trying to make every- 
 
 34-2
 
 A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 
 
 body about you comfortable, that you 
 have no time to think of your behavior. 
 You will then not be guilty of any fla- 
 grant breach of etiquette. The most 
 courteous women I have ever known, those 
 whose manners were a charm to all whom 
 they met, were those who were self-for- 
 getful and always watching for oppor- 
 tunities to make other people comfortable. 
 Such are the queens of society. 
 
 343
 
 XXX 
 
 SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION 
 
 To the uninstructed, socially, the bare 
 rules and conventions regulating social 
 life seem often meaningless and arbi- 
 trary. A careful consideration of these 
 conventions, such as it has been the aim of 
 this book to give, shows that no one of 
 them is without a reason for its being. 
 The classification, however, of social 
 forms together with the reasons govern- 
 ing these forms, does not provide a body 
 of knowledge sufficient to serve as guide 
 in the matter of comporting oneself easily 
 and to advantage socially. There are 
 many situations and points of behavior 
 that it is impossible for a book of eti- 
 quette to cover. The laws laid down are 
 only a small social capital. They discuss 
 
 344
 
 SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION 
 
 the more obvious matters of social con- 
 tact. Numerous points, and these of 
 the finer sort, must be left without com- 
 ment. In the treatment of these points 
 and problems the person desirous of solv- 
 ing them properly must rely largely on 
 his own good sense. One must apply to 
 social exigencies the same methods of rea- 
 soning that one applies in meeting the 
 other exigencies of life. In a word, one 
 must resort to the principle of self-help. 
 
 Much, too, and this in the pleasantest 
 fashion, may be done to extend one's 
 knowledge of good form by observation 
 of people who have unusual tact and so- 
 cial discrimination. In every city, town 
 and village, there are such persons who are 
 distinguished above their fellow citizens 
 by social instinct, by the talent for per- 
 forming gracefully and acceptably the 
 offices of society. In differing degrees, 
 but still perceptibly, these people, like the 
 Ml
 
 EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
 
 painter, the musician, the poet, are 
 marked by a taste and a thirst for perfec- 
 tion. To render social life as interesting, 
 as charming, as beautiful as possible, to 
 make the social machinery run smoothly 
 and without friction, this is their aim. 
 Such people give quality to social inter- 
 course. They observe the little amenities 
 of life with grace. They know how to 
 enter a room and how to leave it. They 
 convey by the bow with which they greet 
 one on the street the proper degree of ac- 
 quaintanceship or friendship. They dress 
 with propriety. They take time by the 
 forelock in the adoption of new devices 
 for the entertainment of their friends. 
 Their parties are the prettiest; their 
 houses are the most popular. Not neces- 
 sarily clever of speech, they are clever in 
 small and charming activities. They have 
 a marked talent for all the little graces 
 that make social intercourse easy and de- 
 
 346
 
 S E L F-H ELP AND OBSERVATION 
 
 lightful. This talent, of course, can not 
 be communicated, but much may be 
 learned by watching its operation. Cer- 
 tainly one can gain from it a knowledge 
 of particulars, of how to perform certain 
 definite acts, even if the conquest of the 
 method is impossible. 
 
 It is not difficult in any community to 
 discover people who approach more or less 
 nearly the type described. They have a 
 recognized distinction. To watch them, 
 and, by this means, to wrest from them a 
 part at least of their secret, is the surest 
 way for the individual, timid or unversed 
 socially, to discover his own social power 
 and to increase it. 
 
 THE END 
 
 847
 
 Index
 
 INDEX 
 
 Accepting invitations 116 
 
 Accounts, keeping 316 
 Acknowledging gifts 95, 101 
 Acknowledging invitations 1,4,7, 9 
 
 Addressing invitations 6 
 
 Addressing letters 30 
 
 Afternoon receptions 42 
 
 Allowances, importance of 322 
 
 Allowances: children's weekly sums 322 
 
 Allowances, expenditure of 326 
 
 Allowances, value of 323 
 
 Anniversaries 50 
 
 Announcements, wedding 76 
 Answering letters 25, 35 
 
 Arrival at functions 43 
 
 "At Home" days 16 
 
 "At Homes" invitations to 2 
 
 "At Homes" of brides 77 
 Attendants, wedding 56, 67 
 
 Automobiling, etiquette of 221 
 
 Bachelor dinners 110 
 
 Bachelor hospitality 103 
 
 Bachelor hospitality : chaperon required 106 
 Bachelor hospitality : engaging chaperon for 106 
 
 351
 
 INDEX 
 
 Bachelor hospitality : form of entertaining 104 
 
 Bachelor hospitality : issuing invitations 107 
 
 Bachelor receptions 107 
 
 Bashfuliiess 342 
 
 Birthday gifts 98 
 
 Boarding-house, etiquette of 200 
 Bowing 188-191 
 
 Bouquets, bridal 74 
 Breakfast, wedding 57, 74 
 
 Bridal dress 70 
 
 Bruskness 327 
 
 Business courtesy 330 
 
 Calling cards 13 
 
 Calls 15 
 
 Calls: "At Home" days 16 
 
 Calls: leaving cards 19 
 
 Calls, returning 23 
 
 Calls, social obligation of 15 
 
 Calls to offer sympathy 22 
 
 Cards 13 
 
 Cards for matron 14 
 
 Cards for men 15 
 
 Cards for mourning 20 
 
 Cards for young women 14 
 
 Cards, style for calling 13 
 
 Cards: when calling 19 
 Ceremony, wedding 62, 69 
 
 Chaperon 85 
 
 Chaperon at theaters 88 
 
 352
 
 INDEX 
 
 Chaperon, duties of 85, 88 
 
 Chaperon, excursions with 89 
 
 Chaperon, necessity of 86 
 
 Chaperon, obligation to 90 
 
 Children 256 
 
 Children at hotels 207 
 
 Children, authority over 262 
 
 Children, behavior of 26 1 
 
 Children, indulgence to 257 
 
 Children, obedience of 267 
 
 Children, place of 260 
 
 Children, traveling with 263 
 
 Christening gifts 98 
 
 Christening parties 52 
 
 Christmas gifts 100 
 
 Church acquaintances 280 
 
 Church companionship 278 
 
 Church etiquette 277 
 
 Church etiquette : making friends 281 
 
 Church etiquette: pastor and parish 285 
 
 Church etiquette : pew hospitality 283 
 
 Church etiquette: visiting congregations 284 
 
 Church etiquette : welcoming strangers 284 
 
 Coming out 78 
 
 Coming-out parties 42 
 Condolence S3, 152 
 Conduct toward guest l .'><), 144 
 
 Congratulations 33 
 Congratulations, wedding 63, 73 
 
 353
 
 INDEX 
 
 Correspondence, value of 26 
 
 Courtesy 288 
 
 Courtesy: aged men 296 
 
 Courtesy : value of deference 296 
 
 Courtesy : value of discrimination 291 
 
 Courtesy due elders 288 
 
 Criticism, rudeness of 337 
 
 Dancing parties 46 
 
 Debutante 78 
 
 Debutante, age of 79 
 
 Debutante, apparel of 81, 83 
 
 Debutante, coming out 78 
 
 Debutante, conduct of 83 
 
 Debutante, significance of 79 
 
 Declining invitations 9> 1 1 
 
 Dinner, invitations to 9 
 
 Dinner parties 36, 39 
 
 Disagreeableness 328 
 
 Driving, etiquette of 228 
 Duty of hospitality 145, 151 
 
 Duty of maid 300 
 
 Duty of mistress 300 
 
 Duty to elders 288 
 
 Embracing 195 
 
 Engagements 49 
 
 Engagement gifts 97 
 
 Escorting women 19* 
 
 Evening receptions 41 
 
 Expenses, wedding 56 
 
 354
 
 INDEX 
 
 Finances of young married couples 
 
 Finances: accounts 
 
 Finances : advantages of agreement 
 
 Finances : advice to wife 
 
 Finances: allowance for wife 
 
 Finances : investing wife's money 
 
 Finances: marrying for money 
 
 Finances : wife earns allowance 
 
 Finger bowls, use of 
 
 Flowers for funerals 
 
 Fork, use of 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Functions 
 
 Funerals 
 
 Gentleness, value of 
 
 Gifts 
 
 Gifts, acknowledging 
 
 Gifts, appropriate 
 
 Gifts, birthday 
 
 355 
 
 afternoon receptions 
 anniversaries 
 announcing engagements 
 christening parties 
 coming-out parties 
 dancing parties 
 dinner parties 
 evening receptions 
 how to conduct oneself 
 leaving 
 luncheons 
 
 311 
 316 
 315 
 313 
 314 
 321 
 320 
 312 
 172 
 153 
 
 169, 175 
 36 
 42 
 50 
 49 
 52 
 42 
 46 
 
 36, 39 
 41 
 
 39, 46 
 
 40, 43 
 40 
 
 155 
 329 
 92 
 95 
 93 
 98
 
 INDEX 
 
 free and easy behavior 
 impropriety of advances 
 losing respect 
 maidenly dignity 
 permitting liberties 
 
 Gifts, christening 
 
 Gifts, Christmas 
 
 Gifts for engagements 
 
 Gifts for weddings 
 
 Gifts for young women 
 
 Gifts, lists of 
 
 Gifts, marking silver 
 
 Girls, etiquette for 
 
 Girls, etiquette for: 
 
 Girls, etiquette for: 
 
 Girls, etiquette for: 
 
 Girls, etiquette for: 
 
 Girls, etiquette for : 
 
 Girls, plain talk to 
 
 Golf, etiquette of 
 
 Guests at hotels 
 
 Hat, lifting of 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Home, etiquette in 
 
 Horseback riding, etiquette of 
 
 Hospitality 
 
 Hospitality, bachelor 
 
 Hospitality, duty of 
 
 Hospitality, mutual obligations of 
 
 356 
 
 breaches of manner 
 courteous attentions 
 family table 
 politeness essential 
 recognizing others' rights 
 respect necessary 
 
 145, 
 
 98 
 
 100 
 
 97 
 
 92 
 
 97 
 
 101 
 
 94 
 
 245 
 
 250 
 
 251 
 
 247 
 
 254 
 
 249 
 
 246 
 
 217 
 
 200 
 
 189 
 
 176 
 
 182 
 
 184 
 
 179 
 178 
 186 
 178 
 228 
 145 
 103 
 151 
 147
 
 INDEX 
 
 Hospitality, return of 148 
 
 Hospitality to strangers 150 
 Hostess at table 166, 173 
 
 Hotel, children in 207 
 
 Hotel etiquette 200 
 
 Hotel etiquette: conduct toward waiter 204 
 
 Hotel etiquette: criticizing 204 
 
 Hotel etiquette : dining-room conduct 203 
 
 Hotel etiquette : instructions for guest 200 
 
 Hotel etiquette : loud talking 202 
 
 Hotel etiquette : tipping 206 
 
 Hotel gossip 212 
 
 Hotel, summer 209 
 
 How to write letters 24 
 
 Indulgent parents 257 
 
 Ingratitude, display of 340 
 
 Interest, display of 331 
 
 Investing wife's money 321 
 
 Invitations 1 
 Invitations, acknowledging 1, 4, 7, 9 
 
 Invitations, addressing 6 
 Invitations, declining <), H 
 
 Invitations for an "At Home" 2 
 
 Invitations for card parties 5 
 
 Invitations for church weddings 5 
 
 Invitations for dinners 9 
 
 Invitations for evening receptions 3 
 
 Invitations for luncheons 10 
 
 Invitations in honor of friend 3 
 
 357
 
 INDEX 
 
 Invitations requiring no acceptance note 1 
 
 Inviting a visitor 137 
 
 Jokes, wedding 64 
 
 Leaving cards 19 
 
 Letter writing 24 
 
 Letters, addressing SO 
 Letters, answering 25, 35 
 
 Letters : colored letter paper 27 
 Letters of condolence S3, 152 
 
 Letters of congratulation 33 
 
 Letters : value of correspondents 26 
 
 Letters, dating 30 
 
 Letters: inclosing stamps 34 
 
 Letters, how to write 25 
 
 Letters: mourning stationery 29 
 
 Letters : plain white paper 28 
 
 Letters: postal cards 31 
 
 Letters: signatures 30 
 
 Letters: social forms 28 
 
 Listening, value of 332 
 
 Luncheons 40 
 
 Maid of honor 59 
 
 Maidenly dignity 254 
 Marriage, ceremonies of 54, 66 
 
 Marrying for money 320 
 
 Mistress and maid 300 
 
 Mistress and maid : duty to maid 305 
 
 Mistress and maid : duty to mistress 308 
 Mistress and maid : making confidant of maid 309 
 
 358
 
 INDEX 
 
 Mistress and maid : making friend of maid 303 
 Mistress and maid : relations between 800, 308 
 
 Mistress, conduct of 300 
 
 Mourning: attending funerals 156 
 
 Mourning, cards of 20 
 
 Mourning: church funerals 156 
 
 Mourning: conduct of bereaved 162 
 
 Mourning: extending sympathy 157 
 
 Mourning: flowers 153 
 
 Mourning: funeral notices 153 
 
 Mourning: home funerals 156 
 
 Mourning, house of 152 
 
 Mourning stationery, appropriate 29 
 
 Mourning, time of l6l 
 
 Mourning veil 159 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich, ambitions of 233 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich, apparel of 243 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich: conduct toward servants 236 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich: engaging servants 235 
 Mrs. Newlyrich: forming new acquaintances 238 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich, house of 243 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich, manners of 231 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich: mastering forms 241 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich: purse-pride 244 
 
 Mrs. Newlyrich, social duties of 229 
 
 Music, wedding 6l 
 
 Napkin, use of 175 
 
 Neighbors 268 
 
 Neighbors, addressing 270 
 
 359
 
 INDEX 
 
 Neighbors, courtesy to 270 
 
 Neighbors, familiarity with 274 
 
 Neighbors, higher significance of 268 
 
 Notices, funeral 153 
 
 Obedience, children's 267 
 
 Observation, value of 344 
 
 Paper, letter 27 
 
 Parents, indulgent 257 
 
 Parish, etiquette of 277 
 
 Parties, anniversary 50 
 
 Parties, christening 52 
 
 Parties, coming-out 42 
 
 Parties, dancing 46 
 
 Parties, dinner 36, 39 
 
 Parties, house 122 
 
 Pastor and parish 285 
 
 Politeness in home 178 
 
 Postal cards, use of 31 
 
 Public, addressing women in 193, 197 
 
 Public, assisting women in 193 
 
 Public, boarding a car in 191 
 
 Public, bowing in 188 
 
 Public, embracing in 195 
 
 Public, escorting women in 194 
 
 Public, etiquette in 188 
 
 Public, lifting hat in 189 
 
 Public, removing hat in 198 
 
 Public, resigning seat in 192 
 
 Public: theater conduct 197 
 
 360
 
 INDEX 
 
 Purse-pride 
 Receptions, afternoon 
 Receptions, evening 
 Receptions, invitations for 
 Returning calls 
 Rowing, etiquette of 
 Rudeness 
 Spoon, use of 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, etiquette in 
 Sports, general rules of 
 Summer hotel, etiquette of 
 Swimming, etiquette of 
 Sympathy, cards of 
 Sympathy, expressions of 
 Table, at 
 
 Table, at : drinking coffee 
 Table, at: eating 
 Table, at: salad 
 Table, at: second service 
 Table, at : the hostess 
 
 361 
 
 automobiling 
 
 driving 
 
 golf 
 
 horseback riding 
 
 politeness necessary 
 
 rowing 
 
 swimming 
 
 tennis 
 
 yachting 
 
 244 
 
 42 
 
 41 
 
 3 
 
 23 
 226 
 327 
 169 
 214 
 221 
 228 
 217 
 228 
 214 
 226 
 227 
 223 
 225 
 215 
 209 
 227 
 22 
 157 
 164 
 171 
 
 166, 168 
 
 171 
 
 174 
 
 166, 173
 
 INDEX 
 
 Table, at : use of finger bowls 
 
 Table, at : use of fork 
 
 Table, at : use of napkin 
 
 Table, at : use of spoon 
 
 Table, at: using fingers 
 
 Table, setting the 
 
 Table, sitting at 
 
 Telephoning, politeness of 
 
 Tennis, etiquette of 
 
 Tipping 
 
 Uninvited visitor 
 
 Ushers, wedding 
 
 Value of allowances 
 
 Visited, the 
 
 conduct toward guest 
 decline of hospitality 
 inviting a visitor 
 preparing for visitor 
 welcoming visitor 
 
 Visited, the: 
 Visited, the: 
 Visited, the: 
 Visited, the; 
 Visited, the: 
 Visitor, the 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 Visitor, the: 
 
 accepting invitations 
 assisting hostess 
 examples of misbehavior 
 house parties 
 keeping engagements 
 meal time 
 
 promptness essential 
 proper mode of conduct 
 thanking hostess 
 
 362 
 
 172 
 
 169, 175 
 175 
 169 
 170 
 164 
 165 
 333 
 223 
 
 123, 206 
 
 116 
 
 67 
 
 323 
 
 133 
 
 139, 144 
 133 
 137 
 138 
 138 
 114 
 116 
 119 
 126 
 122 
 117 
 118 
 115 
 131 
 124
 
 INDEX 
 
 Visitor, the: tipping servants 123 
 
 Visitor, the: what to avoid 121 
 
 Visitor, uninvited 116 
 Visitor, wardrobe of 114, 122 
 
 Weddings 54, 66 
 
 Wedding announcements 76 
 Wedding apparel, appropriate 58. 70, 72 
 
 Wedding at home 54 
 
 Wedding attendants 56, 67 
 
 Wedding bouquets 74 
 
 Wedding breakfasts 57, 74 
 
 Wedding calls 76 
 Wedding ceremony 62, 64, 69 
 
 Wedding, church 66 
 
 Wedding decorations 67 
 
 Wedding, evening 72 
 
 Wedding expenses, how divided 56 
 
 Wedding invitations, form of 54 
 
 Wedding jokes, impropriety of 64 
 
 Wedding music 6l 
 
 Wedding procession, order of 62, 68 
 
 Wedding ushers 67 
 
 Weddings: "At Home" days 77 
 
 Weddings: congratulations, expressing 63, 73 
 
 Weddings : maid of honor 59 
 
 Yachting, etiquette of 225 
 
 Young married couple 311 
 
 363
 
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