THE WORKS DEAN SWIFT; EMBRACING GULLIVER'S TRAVELS, TALE OF A TUB, BATTLE OF THE BOOKS, ETl) WITH A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, BY REV. JOHN MITFORD; AND COPIOUS NOTES, BY W. C. TAYLOR, LL. D. NEW-YORK: LKAVITT & ALLEN, 27 DEY STREET. ISM PREFACE TO THE AMERICAN EDITION. GULLIVER'S TRAVELS, which are here presented in an accessible and attractive form, have been justly styled "a great moral romance." A grave and serious purpose is hidden under the disguise of the wildest invention and the most grotesque humour. The original design of the Voyage to Lalliput was to satirize the enemies of the author. The story is but the shaft and feathering of the arrow, whicu give force and direction to its barbed head. The Notes ap- pended to this edition point out, as far as possible after so many years, the immediate objects satirized. Had it, how- ever, only a personal aim, the book would have perished with the persons and events to which it owed its origin ; but as a keen and biting satire upon follies and vices of perennial growth, it has acquired a lasting reputation. Lilliput is not the only nation where high offices, lofty stations, and great employments are gained by creeping and crawling before the governing power, whether prince or populace. The petty game of court intrigue and state policy is none the less con- temptible because the players are six feet instead of as many inches high. The seven-inch monarch of Lilliput had as good a right to the passive obedience of his subjects as have his seven-feet brethren. Viewed from the height of a few 20268S2 IV PREFACE. hundred feet we are no larger than the Lilliputians. From the distance of the moon but a step into infinite space- kingdoms would seem less than ant-hills. The distinction between High-heels and Low-heels is quite as intelligible and important as many in respect to which party lines have been most strictly drawn. Our theological world has been con- vulsed by controversies Filioque, Homoousian, and Homoi- ousian, to say nothing of others of more recent date not a whit more essential than that of the Big-endians and the Little-endians, and which have been none the less fiercely waged because neither party was able to comprehend his own opinion or that of his adversary. But while follies and vices become ridiculous and odious when enlarged to Brobdingna- gian or contracted to Lilliputian dimensions, no noble deed, lofty purpose, or wise aim loses any thing of its worth or dignity. These arise not from our acts which are all, great as well as small, infinitely little but from the spirit in which they are performed. The Life of Swift presents a practical satire no less keen than his writings, and its perusal will furnish food for the considerate, and reproof to the wayward and reckless. CONTENTS. Mfi Pretece 3 Life of Swift 13 A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. CHAPTER I. The Author gives some Account of Himself and Family his first Inducements to Travel he is shipwrecked, and swims for his Life gets safe on Shore in the Country of Lillliput is made a Prisoner, and carried up the Country . . 81 CHAPTER II. The Emperor of Lilliput, attended by several of the Nobility, comes to see the Author in his Confinement the Em- peror's Person and Habit described learned Men ap- pointed to teach the Author their Language he gains Favour by his Mild Disposition his Pockets are searched, and his Sword and Pistols taken from him . 101 CHAPTER III. The Author diverts the Emperor, and his Nobility of both sexes, in a very uncommon manner the Diversions of the Court of Lilliput described the Author has his liberty granted him upon certain conditions . . . ' .118 CHAPTER IV. Mildendo, the Metropolis of Lilliput, described, together with the Emperor's Palace a conversation between the Author 1* VI CONTENTS. and a principal Secretary, concerning the affairs of that Empire the Author offers to serve the Emperor in his wars . -.'". 132 CHAPTER V. The Author, by an extraordinary stratagem, prevents an in- vasion a high Title of Honour is conferred upon him Ambassadors arrive from the Emperor of Blefuscu, and sue for Peace the Empress's Apartments on Fire by acci- dent; the Author instrumental in saving the rest of the Palace . . . " . ' 141 CHAPTER VI. Of the Inhabitants of Lilliput; their Learning, Laws, and Customs ; the manner of educating their Children the Author's way of living in that Country his Vindication of a great Lady 152 CHAPTER VII. The Author being informed of a design to accuse him of High Treason, makes his Escape to Blefuscu his Reception there . . .' - . - . . . *-.! -. .168 CHAPTER VIII. The Author, by a lucky accident, finds means to leave Blefus- cu ; and, after some difficulties, returns safe to his Native Country '.,,'. .181 Ode to Qulobus Flestrin, by Titty Tit, Esq. . .191 A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. CHAPTER I. A great Storm described ; the Long Boat sent to fetch Water, the Author goes with it to discover the Country he is left on Shore, is seized by one of the Natives,'and carried to a Farmer's House his reception, with several accidents that happened there a description of thb Inhabitants . 195 CONTENTS. Vll CHAPTER II. A description of the Farmer's Daughter the Author carried to a Market-Town, and then to the Metropolis the par- ticulars of his Journey 217 CHAPTER III. The Author sent for to Court the Queen buys him of his Master the Farmer, and presents him to the King he dis- putes with his Majesty's great Scholars an Apartment at Court provided for the Author he is in high favour with the Queen he stands up for the honour of his own Country his Quarrels with the Queen's Dwarf . 226 CHAPTER IV. The Country described a proposal for correcting modern Maps the King's Palace, and some account of the Metro- polis the Author's way of Travelling the chief Temple described 242 CHAPTER Y. Several Adventures that happened to the Author the Execu- tion of a Criminal the Author shows his skill in Naviga- tion 250 CHAPTER VI. Several contrivances of the Author to please the King and Queen he shows his skill in Music the King inquires into the State of England, which the Author relates to him the King's Observations thereon 265 CHAPTER VII. The Author's love ot his Country he makes a Proposal of much advantage to the King, which is rejected the King's great ignorance in Politics the Learning of that Country very imperfect and confined the Laws and Military Affairs, and parties in the State 2s2 CHAPTER VIII. The King and Queen make a progress to the Frontiers the Author attends them the manner in which he leaves the Country very particularly related he returns to England 291 LIST OF ILLUSTiUTIONS. PAOl Gulliver fastened to the Earth by ihe Lilliputians, . . 87 Gulliver throwing away the empty Wine Casks, . . 93 Gulliver terrifying a Lilliputian, . . . . . 105 Gulliver's Property removed to the Royal Stores. . . 116 Lilliputian Army passing under Gulliver's Lrgs, . 126 Gulliver walking in the Streets, ... 133 Gulliver iwiraming after the Enemy's Fke.. 142 Lilliputian Sempstresses measuring Gulliver, . . 162 Ingenious method adopted by his Tailors, .... 163 Cutting Timber to fit up his Vessel, .... 186 A Boy discovers Land, 200 Gulliver in the hand of the Brobdingnag Labourer, . 206 Gulliver struck with surprise at seeing two Dogs, . 211 GlumdaJclitch undressing Gulliver, 218 Apartment contrived for Gulliver, 233 Gullive.- cutting down Wasps, 24ft Gulliver in the mouth of the Gardener's Dog, . . 252 Gulliver carried off by an Eagle, ..... 295 Gulliver at Supper with the Captain . . 30J THE LIFE OF SWIFT LIFE OF SWIFT. BY THE REVEREND JOHN MITFORD. JONATHAN SWIFT, the Dean of St. Patrick's Dublin was descended from the younger branch of the family of the Swifts in Yorkshire. His grandfather was the Rev. Thomas Swift, vicar of Goodrich, in Herefordshire. Hfe died in the year 1658, leaving ten sons and three or four daughters, with no other fortune than a very small patrimonial estate, almost destroyed by the fines and sequestrations which he drew on himself for his activity in the cause of Charles I. Jonathan Swift, the father of our author, was the sixth or seventh son of the Vicar of Goodrich ; in consequence of his elder brother, Godwin, being appointed attorney-general of the Pala- tinate of Tipperary, under the Duke of Ormond, after the Restoration, Jonathan, who was also bred to the law, followed him into Ireland. There he married Abigail Ericke of Leicestershire, a lady of ancient family, but no fortune. In Ireland he had some employ- ments and agencies, and was appointed steward to the Society of the King's Inn, Dublin, in 1665. After having held his appointment two years, he died, leaving an infant daughter, and his widow then pregnant, in so destitute a situation as to be unable to defray the ex- penses of her husband's funeral. Her brother-in-law 9, 14 LIFE OF SWIFT. Godwin, was her chief support. On the 30th of No- vember, 1667, being St. Andrew's day, she was deliv- ered of a son ; and the house where the celebrated author, whose life we are now writing, was born is still pointed out. It is No. 7, of Hoey's Court, Dublin ; the appearance of its antiquity seems not to oppose the correctness of the tradition ; it is small, and was, not many years since, occupied by Mrs. JacKson, a dealer in earthen ware. The nurse to whom the care of the infant was en- trusted was a native of Whitehaven ; being summoned to attend the request of a dying relation, she clandes- tinely, but out of pure affection, carried away the child with her ; his mother was unwilling to risk the insecu- rity of a second voyage, and permitted it to remain with its faithful and affectionate protector for three years, when she returned to Ireland, and proved that she had been as careful of its education, as she was attached to its person. At the age of six, Swift was sent to the school ot Kilkenny, and at fourteen admitted into the university of Dublin. He was entirely dependent for his support upon the allowance made to him by his uncle Godwin ; this was hardly more than would cover the necessities o c life ; for his uncle had a numerous family of his own, and had much injured his fortune by imprudent specu- lations. Swift was either not awaie of his uncle's cir- cumstances, or if he were, the smallness of his benefi- cence was not sufficient to awaken his gratitude ; for when once questioned about it, rather roughly, at a visitation dinner, he answered the insulting question in a loud and bitter accent, " Yes ! he gave me the education of a dog." While he was at the university, he appears to have I,:FE OF SWIFT. 15 disliked and neglected the line of study which was at that time cultivated ; and a proficiency in which was necessary for the attainment of his degree. Instead of mastering the intricacies of the old Treatises on Logic, written by those great men, Smeglesius, Kecherman- nus, and Burgesdicius, he passed his time more agreea- bly in reading poetry and history, and he told his tutor that he could reason without the assistance of the artificial rules of logic. There is a proof, however, that though he turned aside from the path of academic study, his voluntary reading was extensive and various, for he had drawn up a rough sketch of the Tale of a Tub, which he communicated to his friend, Mr. Waryng. The first time he sate for his degree it was refused him ; and so pertinaciously did he adhere to his determination not to attend to the necessary line of studies, that when he went up a second time, he succeeded only through the interest of his friends. It was inserted in the College Register, that he attained his degree Speciali gratia. In going through the forms of disputation, he told Dr. Sheridan that he was utterly unacquainted even with the logical terms, and answered the argu- ments of his opponents in his own manner and words. His biographer adds, that there was one circumstance in the account which Swift gave him that surprised him with regard to his memory ; for he told him the several questions on which he disputed, and repeated all the arguments used by his opponents in their syllo- gistic forms. He remained, in the college, nearly three years after this, not through choice but necessity. Little known or regarded, by scholars he was esteemed a blockhead ; and as the lowness of his circumstances would not allow him to kee: company of an equal rank with himself, or on an equa footing, lie scorned to take 16 LIFE OF SWIFT. up with those of a lower class, or to be obliged to thoBe of a higher. He lived therefore much alone, and his time was employed in pursuing his course of reading in history and poetry, then very unfashionable studies for an academic ; or in gloomy meditations on his own unhappy circumstances. Soon after this time, his uncle Godwin was seized with a lethargy, which rendered him incapable of busi- ness, and the embarrassed state of his affairs became known. Another uncle, William, for a short period supplied to our author the place of his former benefac- tor ; and though he had not the means of enlarging the extent of his bounty, he bestowed it with so much more willingness and grace, as to receive that gratitude from Swift which he deserved. But Swift's chief hopes now rested on his cousin Willoughby. the eldest son of his uncle Godwin, a merchant at Lisbon : nor was he disappointed in his expectations ; a supply arrived at the very time when it was needed ; and the incidents attending it shall be related in the words of his biogra- pher. " Swift, without a penny in his purse, was de- spondingly looking out of his chamber window to gape away the time, and happened to cast his eye on a sea- faring man, who seemed to be making inquiries after somebody's chambers ; the thought immediately came into his head that this might be some master of a vessel, who was the bearer of a present to him from his cousin at Lisbon. He saw him enter the building with pleas- ing expectation, and soon after heard a rap at his door, which he eagerly opening, was accosted by the sailor with, ' Is your name Jonathan Swift ?' ' Yes.' ' Why then, I have something for you from Master Willoughby Swift of Lisbon.' He then drew out a large leather bag, and poured out the contents, which were silver THE LIFE OF SWIFT. 17 coins, upon the table. Swift, enraptured at the sight, in the first transports of his heart, pushed over a large number of them, without reckoning, to the sailor, as a reward for his trouble ; but the honest tar declined taking any, saying, That he would do more than that for good Master Willoughby. This was the first time that Swift's disposition was tried with regard to the man- agement of money ; and he said that the reflections of his constant suffering through the want of it. made him husband it so well, that he was never afterward without something in his purse." Soon after this, on the breaking out of the war in Ireland, Swift left that country to visit his mother at Leicester, and to consult with her on his future plans and prospects of life. He was now in his one-and-twen- tieth year, not qualified by particular study for any profession, except, perhaps, for the church ; his aca- demical reputation was not advantageous to him ; the recluseness of his life had rendered him little known ; and the spleen and severity of his temper had not at- tracted many friends. Without any letter of recommendation to introduce him in England, and without any acquaintance who could assist him, Swift left Chester on foot to visit a mother, who was herself dependent on the precarious bounty of her friends. With her he remained some months, and requested her advice as to the course which he should pursue. Most fortunately she recol- lected that the lady of Sir William Temple was her re- lation, that there had been an intimacy between the families, that Thomas Swift had been chaplain to Sir William Temple, and had been provided for by him in the church. She therefore recommended her son to go to Sir William Temple, and communicate to him hia 18 THE LIFE OF SWIFT depressed situation and gloomy prospects. When he arrived at Shene. the residence of the retired states- man, his story was listened to with compassionate at- tention ; he was cheerfully received into his house, and treated with kindness and generosity. Although he was not admitted to much personal familiarity with his illustrious kinsman, yet he found in his house what was of invaluable advantage, sound advice with regard to the prosecution of his studies, and a secure and elegant retirement where he could pursue them undisturbed. For eight years he followed a system of study, ac- cording to his own account, of not less than eight hours a day. Among other books, he is known to have read Cyprian and Irenaeus. The first interruption of this studious course of life, was occasioned by an illnesa produced by a surfeit of fruit, which brought on a cold- ness of stomach and giddiness of head that he never afterwards could shake off. At one time, his physician advised that he should try the effects of his native air. and he left Moor Park (to which Sir William had re- moved) for Ireland ; but finding himself worse, he re- turned, and when his illness abated, resumed with fresh vigour his interrupted studies. About this time, Sir William Temple began to dis- cover some of the valuable parts of his relative's char- acter ; and Swift says, that he then grew in confidence with him. He was present at the confidential interviews between King William and th'e statesman ; and when the latter was confined to his room with the gout, the duty of attending on the king devolved on Swift. It is said, that the king offered him a troop of horse ; and he showed him how to cut asparagus after the Dutch fashion. It is probable that he obtained some promise of preferment in the church \ for, in a letter dated 1692, THE LIFE OF SWIFT. 19 he says to his uncle, " I am not to take orders till the king gives me a prebend." In 1692, he went to Oxford to take his Master's de- gree, to which he was admitted on the 5th of July, 1692. From Oxford he paid a visit to his mother, and then re- turned to Moor Park. He now was anxious to establish himself independently in the world, and he looked for that preferment which had been promised. But suspi- cions grew in his mind, that Sir William Temple was not so forward in assisting him as he could wish, and feared that Swift would leave him when he was pro- vided for. Perhaps his society was become not only convenient and agreeable, but even necessary to one far advanced in life, declining in health, and afflicted with painful disorders. Besides, Temple was very anxious to have an accurate and correct copy ot' ail his writings ; and Swift's assistance in this respect was in- valuable. The work, however, which the aged and ex- perienced statesmen was to bequeath to posterity, ad- vanced but slowly, and Swift's impatience could ill bear any longer delay. After remaining two years longer at Moor Park, he determined to leave his patron, and take his chance in the world. Sir William received the com- munication with marks of displeasure ; but offered him a small place, worth about a hundred pounds a year, then vacant in Ireland : Swift replied, " That since he had now an opportunity of living without being driven tnto the church for a maintenance, he was resolved to go to Ireland to take holy orders." This answer conveyed his belief of the insincerity, and his feelings of the in- delicacy of Sir William's proposal ; and they parted with resentment at least on one side, and displeasure on froth. He procured a slight recommendation to Lord Capei 20 THE LIFE OF SWIFT. ther. lord deputy of Ireland, and was ordained in Sep- tember, 1694, being then almost twenty-seven years old. Soon after, Lord Capel gave him the prebend of Kil- root, in the diocese of Connor, worth about a hundred pounds a year. To this place Swift repaired to dis- charge the duties of his office, and taste, for the first time, the sweets of independence. But there were many serious drawbacks on his happiness ; he was placed in a very obscure situation and in a half-civilized country ; he enjoyed none of the charms of society, or the advan- tages of enlightened conversation : his mind looked back with regret to the delights which Moor Park had so long afforded ; he was also reluctant that his talents and his ambition should be buried in the seclu- sion of a distant and deserted place ; and having received a kind letter from Sir William himself, which proved that all animosities had subsided, and which contained an invitation to his house. Swift resigned his living, and hastened to England, after a little more than a year's absence. His residence with Sir William Temple was now voluntary ; and they appear to have lived in mutual confidence and esteem. Swift maintained his same diligent pursuit of study, and performed he duties of chaplain in the family. Swift took on himself the office of preceptor to a niece of Sir W. Temple, who resided in the house ; and, at the same time, Miss Esther Johnson, so well known as Stella, shared the benefits of the instructor. Miss Johnson was daughter of a gentleman of good family in Nottingham, by profession a merchant in London ; she was about fourteen years of age, very beautiful, possessing fine talents, and it is not to be wondered at, that Swift took peculiar pleasure in culti- vating and improving her mind, though he probably THE LIFE OF SWIFT. 21 little thought how closely their fortunes and their fame were hereatter to be united. He wrote his digressions in the Tale of a Tub and the Battle of the Books at this time. Sir W. Temple died in the year 1699, leaving Swift a legacy and the advantage to be derived from publish- ing his posthumous writings. He also obtained from King William a promise of a stall at Canterbury or Westminster for him. How much Swift esteemed him, may be seen in a part of the register which he kept of Sir William's illness, where he concludes : " He died at 1 o'clock in the morning, and with him all that was great and good among men." From another memoran- dum copied by Thomas Steele, Esq. jun. we have this further character of his patron : " He was a person of the greatest wisdom, justice, liberality, politeness, ele- gance, of his age and nation. The truest lover of his country, and one that deserved more from it, by his eminent public services, than any man before or since, besides his great deserving of the Commonwealth of having been universally esteemed the most accomplish- ed writer of his time." On the death of Sir W. Temple, Swift removed to London, and his first care was to discharge the trust reposed on him of publishing a full and correct edition of his patron's works. This he dedicated to the king. After waiting some time for the fulfilment of the promise made for his advancement in the church, he addressed a memorial to the monarch ; but it is said that Swift had reason to believe that the Earl of Romney, who promised to second it with all his interest, in fact sup- pressed it, and never mentioned it at all. After waiting some time in vain, he relinquished his hopes of prefer- ment and accepted the offer made to him by Lord 22 THE LIFE OF SWIFT. Berkeley of attending him to Ireland as his private secretary and chaplain. When they arrived at Dublin, he found himself supplanted in the former office by a person of the name of Bush, who had ingratiated him- self into his lordship's favour. Swift's indignation, ever ready to awaken at the first appearance of insult, took flame, and he lampooned without mercy the governor and his new made secretary, in a copy of Verses tfiat were widely circulated. The rich deanery of Derry now fell vacant, and Swift applied for it. Lord Berkeley said it had been promised to Bush for another, but that perhaps the affair might be arranged. Swift had an interview with the Secretary, who frankly told him that he was to have a thousand pounds for il. Swift knew this could not be done without Lord Berkeley's partici- pation, and made no other answer than " God confound you both for a couple of rascals." He then left the castle, resolving to see him no more. Lord Berkeley was, however, unwilling to exasperate a person who could so successfully revenge himself, and he therefore presented him to the rectory of Agher, and the vicarage of Laracor and Rath-beggin. in the diocese of Meath They were not worth, in value, a third of the deanery, but Swif . had experienced sufficiently the uncertainty of courtly promises to trust much to the chances of the future, he, therefore, accepted them, and kept on friend- ly terms with his lordship, one inducement to which was, the eespect he felt for the Countess, whose virtues and excellencies he has praised in his introduction to the Project for the Advancement of Religion. It was at this time that his talent in light and humor- ous poetry was first displayed, which he wrote for the amusement of his lordship's family ; but when the gov- ernment of Ireland devolved on another person, Swift THE LIFE OF SWIfcT. 23 etired to his living at Laracor, conscientiously dis- charging the duties of his office. It appears, from some letters which have found their way into the world, that he had been enamoured of a young lady of the name of Jane Waryng, sister of his chamber-fellow at col- lege. As she had but a slender fortune of about 100 a-year, and Swift at that time was in possession of no certain income, her good sense and prudence made her resolve to delay their union till they were in possession of an income competent to their support. A letter from Swift, dated April, 1696. is published, which is written in the usual style of a complaining lover, and which accuses his Varina of formality and coldness, and too great an observance of the customs and opinions of the world. He tells her, " that he has resolved to die as ae has lived all hers ; and that matrimony is a just and honorable action, which would furnish health to her." After he had obtained his preferment, which amounted to about 400 a-year. Varina. having her only objection removed, naturally looked forward to the fulfilment of their engagement ; but the fascination of a more attractive person had begun to show its influence over our faithless lover's heart. A second letter ap- pears, four years after the one mentioned (May, 1700), in which there is a very remarkable alteration of style and address. It is written in the terms of one anxious to escape from a connexion which he regrets ever to have formed. Every trifling excuse is found, and every imaginable impediment introduced, and there are de- mands made by him, and expressions used, which put their union on a footing so humiliating to the lady, that -ertainlyno female could for a moment have entertained the idea of acquiescing in such a proposal. Though I have had no experience in love myself, and am ignorant 24 THE LIFE OF SWIFT. of the sensibilities and feelings of the female heart, yw< I should think no lady could expect to be questioned by her lover concerning the state of her health and the cleanliness of her person ; but the true cause of Swift's declining affections were now to be more clearly seen. Stella, for so Esther Johnson must hereafter be called, was now eighteen ; after the death of Sir W. Temple she resided with a lady of the name of Dingley, who was related to the family of Temple. Stella's fortune consisted of one thousand pounds, bequeathed by Sir William, and Mrs. Dingley's annuity was exceedingly email. When Swift, therefore, proposed to both the ladies to come over to Ireland to reside, where the in- terest of money was greater, and the price of living much less, it is no wonder that the invitation was re- ceived with pleasure. Soon after their arrival they took a lodging at Trim, a town situated near Laracor, and their presence and conversation reconciled him to his obscure retirement. Of the softer and romantic qualities of the heart, which open the avenues of love, Swift was entirely devoid ; his mind was bent on higher objects, and interested in busier and more ambitious scenes. I have no doubt but that he regarded the blooming and beautiful Stella with the most sincere friendship, and with something more than a brotherly fondness and affection ; but women turn every thing into love. If Stella did not mistake the nature of Swift's attachment, she did not consider the other passions of his mind which might oppose or weaken it ; of most men she would probably have judged rightly ; but un- fortunately she had to speculate on the motives of a person eminently singular in his temper and thoughts, inclined to move out of the road which leads to general happiness, and to find one more congenial to his OWD THE LIFE OF SWIFT. 25 disposition. There is a kind of attachment which it is not always easy to distinguish from love, and which ia yet distinct from it ; either Stella's want of sagacity could not separate these, or her hopes and affections forced her to overlook the distinction. An event to'ok place a year or two after this time, which we might conjecture would one way or another have brought Swift's feelings to a decision, and cleared up all the past ambiguity of his conduct. Stella received an offer of marriage from the Rev. Dr. Tisdall, a friend and companion of Swift's. Swift was, of course, consulted by her, and, we may suppose, with no common anxiety as to the result of his opinion. That he could not wish the offer to be accepted must be obvious ; but the answer which he returned to Dr. Tisdall certainly left the field open to his solicitations ; he says, " In answer, 1 will, upon my honour and conscience, tell you the naked truth. If my fortunes and humour served me to think of that state, I should certainly, of all persons on earth, make your choice, because I never saw that person whose conversation I entirely valued but hers. This was ths utmost I ever gave way to. And, secondly, I must assure you sincerely that this regard of mine never once entered into my head to be any impedi- ment to you." The proposal was, however, declined by Stella, doubtless from her great attachment to Swift, and her hopes of seeing her happiness confirmed by his marriage with her. " Swift," says Scott, " main- tained a long acquaintance with Tisdall without ever liking him, and he certainly felt rivalry in the case of Stella." In 1701, Swift went to London, leaving his parish and his charming companions, in the hopes, it is said, of dia- sovering some opportunity of distinguishing himself 3 26 THE LIFE OF SWIFT. and advancing his fortune. He found the public mind in a ferment, occasioned by the impeachment of the Earls of Portland and Oxford, Lord Somers and Lord Halifax, by the House of Commons, on account of their share in the Partition Treaty ; on thie occasrioL i.e ~r-LC his first political tract ' ; A Discourse of the Contests and Dissensi us of Athene and Rome." Tfte na:r e ridicule the over-acted solicitude by which the ministers of George I. affected to protect the king from the plots of the Jaco- oites. The Tories who hasted to greet the king on his landing, were either refused admittance or harshly dismissed. " Lord Harcourt, who arrived with a patent for the peerage of the Princa of Wales, was abruptly dismissed ; the Duke of Ormond, wh w hastening to Greenwich, was forbidden to appear in the royal 9 98 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS was told ; for, while tho operation was performing, 1 lay in a profound sleep, by the force of that soporife- rous medicine infused into my liquor. Fifteen hun- dred of the emperor's largest horses, each about four inches and a half high, were employed to draw me towards the metropolis, which, as I said, was half a mile distant. About four hours after we began our journey, I awaked by a very ridiculous accident ; for the car- riage being stopped a while, to adjust something that was out of order, two or three of the young natives had the curiosity to see how I looked when I was asleep ; they climbed up into the engine, and ad- vanced very softly to my face ; one of them, an officer in the guards, put the sharp end of his half-pike a good way up into my left nostril, which tickled my nose like a straw, and made me sneeze violently ; whereupon they stole off unperceived, and it was three weeks before 1 knew the cause of my waking so suddenly. We made a long march the remaining part of the day, and rested at night with five hundred guards on each side of me, half with torches, and half with bows and arrows, ready to shoot me if I should offer to stir. The next morning at sun-rise we con. tinued our march, and arrived within two hundred yards of the city gates about noon. The emperor, nd all his court, came out to meet us, but his great presence ; and Lord Oxford, who had shown more joy In pro claiming the king, than his friends thought respectful towards the late queen, was barely admitted in the crowd to kiss the king'a hand." L retocn, . Wher. this inventory was read over to the emperor, he directed me, although in veiy gentle terms, to deliver up the several particulars. 1 He first called for my searches made by the whigs in the houses of persont suspected of Jacobitism and Popery, are scarcely cariatured in this whimsical account of the examination of Gulliver's pocket*. Sir Walter Scc*,t has given a similar description in his Peverilof 10* 114 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. scimitar, which I took out, scabbard and all. In the meantime he ordered three thousand of his choicest troops (who then attended him) to surround me at a distance, with their bows and arrows just ready to dis- charge; but I did nof observe it, for mine eyes were wholly fixed upon his majesty. 1 He then desired me to draw my scimitar, which, although it had got some rust by the sea-water, was, in most parts, exceeding the Peak, where the emissaries of the House of Commons, puz zled by the ordinary habits of life in the higher ranks, were dis- posed to find treason in a laced waistcoat, and Popery in a hooped petticoat. Writing m Ireland, Swift was likely to find an ample supply of searchers and alarmists, for the Cromwellian settlers, deriving their title to their estates from no better source than the English suspicion and hatred of Popery, were anxious to keep alive such feelings; and catalogues of suspicious articles, even more ludicrous than those in the text, may be found in the records of Dublin Castle. One of the objects of suspicion in those days, wearied out by constant requisitions to surrender his fire arms, and by the re- peated annoyances which he had experienced, sent his poker, tongs and shovel to the arsenal, and took a regular receipt for them from the officer in command. 1 There is exquisite humour in these formal preparations for security, which escaped the notice of the persons they were in- tended to intimidate. The satire is directed against the precau- tions taken by the whig ministers on receiving information of real or pretended plots of the Jacobites, particularly in May, 1722, when "orders were issued to all mil: tary officers to repair to their respective commands. General Macartney was despatched to Ireland, to bring over some troops into the west of England. Messengers were sent to Scotland to secure some suspected per- sons ; and the States cf Holland were directed to keep in readi- ness the guarantee troops, to be sent to England in case of need." Wade, 369. At the same time a proclamation was issued, commanding all Papists to depart from London and Westminster' lind for confining Papists to their habitations. A VOYAGE TO LILL1P17T. . 115 b ight. I did so, and immediately all the troops gave a v hout between terror and surprise ; for the sun shone clear, and the reflection dazzled their eyes, as I waved the scimitar to and fro in my hand. His majesty, who io a most magnanimous prince, was less daunted than I could expect : he ordered me to return it into the scabbard, and cast it on the ground, as gently as [ could, about six feet from the end of my chain. The next thing he deman'ded was one of the hollow iron pillars ; by which he meant my pocket pistols. I drew it out, and at his desire, as well as I could, expressed tc him the use of it ; and charging it only with pow- der, which, by the closeness of my pouch happened to escape wetting in the sea (an inconvenience against which all prudent mariners take special care to pro- vide), I first cautioned the emperor not to be afraid, and then I let it off in the air. The astonishment here was much greater than at sight of the scimitar. Hun- dreds fell down as if they had been struck dead ; and even the emperor, although he stood his ground, could not recover himself for some time. I delivered up both my pistols in the same manner as I had done rny scimitar, and then my pouch of powder and bullets ; begging him that the former might be kept from fire, for it would kindle with the smallest spark, and blow up his imperial palace into the air. I likewise delivered up my watch, which the emperoi was very curious to see, and commanded two of his tallest yeomen of the guards to bear it on a pole upon their shoulders, as draymen in England do a barrel of ale. He was amazed at the continual noise it 116 GULLIVER S TSAVELS. made, and the motion of the minute-hand, which he could easily discern ; for their sight is much more acute than ours . he asked the opinions of his learned men about it, which were various and remote, as the reader may imagine without my repeating ; although, indeed, I could not very perfectly understand them. I then gave up my silver and copper money, my purse with nine large pieces of gold, and some smaller ones ; my knife and razor, my comb and silver snuff-box, my handkerchief and journal-book. My scimitar, pistols, and pouch, were conveyed in carriages to his majesty's stores ; but the rest of my goods were re- turned me, I had, as I before observed, one private pocket, which escaped their search, wherein there was a pail of spectacles (which 1 sometimes use for the weak- ness of mine eyes), a pocket perspective, and some other little conveniences ; which, being of no conse- A VOTAGE TO LILLfiPUT. 117 quence to the emperor, I did not think myself bound tn honour to discover, and I apprehended they might be lost or spoiled, if I ventured them out of my po- session, CHAPTER III. The luthor diverts the Emperor, and his nobility of both sexes, in a very uncom- mon manner The diversions of the court of Lilliput described The authof hat his liberty granted him upon certain conditions. MY gentleness and good behaviour had gained so far on the emperor and his court, and indeed upon the army and people in general, that I began to con- ceive hopes of getting my liberty in a short time. I took all possible methods to cultivate this favourable disposition. The natives came by degrees to be less apprehensive of any danger from me. I would some- times lie down, and let five or six of them dance on my hand ; and at last the boys and girls would ven- ture to come and play at hide-and-seek in my hair. I had now made a good progress in understanding and speaking the language. The emperor had a mind one day to entertain me with several of the country shows, wherein they exceeded all nations I have known, both for dexterity and magnificence. I was diverted with none so much as that of the rope-danc- ers, performed upon a slender white thread, extended about two feet, and twelve inches from the ground. Upon which I shall desire liberty, with the reader's patience, to enlarge a little. This diversion is only practised by those persons wno are candidates for great employments and high A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 110 favour at court. They are trained in this art from their youth, and are not always of noble birth, or liberal education. When a great office is vacant, either by death or disgrace (which often happens), five or six of those candidates petition the emperor to entertain his majesty and the court with a dance on the rope ; and whoever jumps the highest without failing, succeeds in the office. Very often the chief ministers themselves are commanded to show their skill, and to convince the emperor that they have not lost their faculty. Flimnap, the treasurer, is allowed to cut a caper on the straight rope, at least an inch higher than any other lord in the whole empire. I have seen him do the summerset 1 several times to- gether upon a trencher fixed on a rope which is no thicker than a common packthread in England.* My 1 Summerset or summersaull, a gambol of a tumbler, in which he springs up, turns heels over head in the air, and comes down upon his feet. Orig. 8 Flimnap is intended for Sir Robert Walpole, from whom Swift at first had some expectations of promotion ; when these were disappointed, the dean became the bitter enemy of the minister, and his hatred was aggravated by the zeal with which Walpole persecuted Swift's great favourites, Lord Bolingbroke and Dr. A'terbury, bishop of Rochester. In an epistle to the poet Gay, the dean gives the following bitter description of Walpole And first to make my cbservation right, 1 place a statesman full before my sight, A bloated minister in all his geer, With shameless visage and perfidious leer; Two rows of teeth arm each devouring jaw, And ostrich-like, his all-digesting maw. My fancy drags this monster to my view, To show the world his chief reverse in you. 120 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. friend Reldresal, principal secretary for private af- fairs, is in my opinion, if I am not partial, the second after the treasurer ;' the rest of the great officers are much upon a par. These diversions are often attended with fatal acci dents, whereof great numbers are on record. I myself have seen two or three candidates break a limb. But Of loud unmeaning sounds a rapid flood Rolls from his mouth in plenteous streams of mud j With these, the court and senate-house he plies Made up of noise, and impudence, and lies. And again, alluding to Walpole's continuance in office under George II., and Sir Spencer Compton's refusal to form an ad- ministration. I knew a brazen minister of state, Who bore for twice ten years the public hate ; In every mouth, the question most in vogue Was, " when will they turn out this odious rogue V A juncture happen'd, in his highest pride : While he went robbing on, old master died. We thought there now remained no room to dubt ; His work is done, the minister must out. The court invited more than one or- two ; Will you, Sir Spencer? or will you? or you? But not a soul his office durst accept ; The subtle knave had all the plunder swept ; And such was then the temper of the times ; He owed his preservation to his crimes. The candidates observed his dirty paws, Nor found it difficult to guess the cause ; But when they smelt such foul corruptions round him, Away they fled, and left him as they found him. 1 Mr. Secretary Stanhope was most probably intended by Reldresal; he supplanted Walpole in 1717, and adopted a mora temperate and conciliatory course towards the Tories and Jaco- bites, with whom Swift was connected. A VOYAGE TO L1LLIPUT. 121 the danger is much greater when the ministers them- selves are commanded to show their dexterity ! for, by contending to excel themselves and their fellows, they strain so far that there is hardly one of them who has not received a fall, and some of them two or three. I was assured that, a year or two before my arrival, Flimnap would infallibly have broke his nee!*, if one of the king's cushions, that accidentally lay on the ground, had not weakened the force of his fall. 1 There is likewise another diversion, which is only shown before the emperor and empress, and the first minister, upon particular occasions. The emperor lays on the txble three fine silken threads of six inches long; one is blue, the other red, and the third green. These threads are proposed as prizes for those persons whom the emperor has a mind to distinguish by a peculiar mark of his favour. The ceremony is performed in his majesty's great chamber of state, where the candidates are to undergo a trial of dexteri- ty, very different from the former, and such as I have not observed the least resemblance of in any country of the new or old world. The emperor holds a stick in his hands, both ends parallel to the horizon, while 1 Walpole was compelled to resign his office in 1717, through the intrigues of Lord Sunderland and Mr. Secretary Stanhope, who, following the king to Hanover, sought and found a favour- able opportunity of supplanting Walpole and Townshend in the royal favour. After an exclusion of four years, which seemed politically " to have broken his neck," he was restored by hii interest with the Duchess of Kendal, the favourite mistress of George I.; and this was "the king's cushion that lay accident- ally or, the ground, and weakened the force of the fall." 11 122 GULLIVEfl's TRAVELS. the candidates advancing, one by one, sometimes leap over the stick, sometimes creep under it, backward and forward, several times, according as the stick is advanced or depressed. Sometimes the emperor holds one end of the stick, and the first minister the other ; sometimes the minister has it entirely to himself. Who- ever performs his part with the most agility, and holds out the longest in leaping and creeping, is rewarded with the blue coloured silk; the red is given to the next, and the green to the third, which they all wear girt twice around about the middle ; and you see few great persons about this court who are not adorned with one of these girdles. 1 The horses of the army, and those of the royal sta- bles, having been daily led before me, were no longer shy, but would come up to my very feet without start- ing. The riders would leap them over my hand, as I held it on the ground ; and one of the emperor's hunts men, upon a large courser, took my foot, shoe and ail , which was indeed a prodigious leap. I had the good fortune to divert the emperor one day after a very ex- traordinary manner. I desired he would order several sticks of two feet high, and the thickness of an ordina- ry cane, to be brought me ; whereupon his majesty commanded the master of his woods to give directions 1 The revival of the Order of the Bath by Sir Robert Walpole in 1726, as a cheap means of gratifying his political adherents, was fair game to a satirist like Swift. Walpole was distinguished not only by the Order of the Bath, but by that of the Garter, which was conferred on him in 1726. Coxe'a Life of WolpoU. It is scarcely necessary to mention, that blue is the cognizance f the Garter, red of the Bath, and green of the Thistle. A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 123 accordingly ; and the next morning six woodmen ar- rived, with as many carriages, drawn by eight horses lo each. I took nine of these sticks, and fixing them firmly in the ground in a quadrangular figure, two feet and a half square, I took four other sticks and tied them parallel at each corner, about two feet from the ground , then I fastened my handkerchief to the nine sticks that stood erect ; and extended it on all sides, till it was tight as the top of a drum; and the four parallel sticks, rising about five inches higher than the handkerchief, served as ledges on each side. When I had finished my work, I desired the emperor to let a troop of the best horse, twenty-four in number, come and exercise upon this plain. His majesty approved of the proposal, and I took them up, one by one, in my hands, ready mounted and armed, with the proper officers to exercise them. As soon as they got into order, they divided into two parties, performed mock skirmishes, discharged blunt arrows, drew their swords, fled and pursued, attacked and retired, and in short, discovered the best military discipline I ever beheld. The parallel sticks secured them and their horses from falling over the stage ; and the emperor was so much delighted, that he ordered this entertainment to be re- peated several days, and once was pleased to be lifted up, and give the word of command ; and, with great difficulty, persuaded even the empress herself to let me hold her in her close chair within two yards of the stage, when she was able to take a full view of the whole performance. It was my good fortune, that no ill accident happened in these entertainments ; only 124 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. once a fiery horse, that belonged to one of the captains, pawing with his hoof, struck a hole in my handker. chief, and his foot slipping, he overthrew his rider and himself; but I immediately relieved them both, and covering the hole with one hand, I set down the troop with the other, in the same manner as I took them up. The horse that fell was strained in the left shoulder, but the rider got no hurt ; and I repaired my handker. chief as well as I could ; however, I would not trust to the strength of it any more, in such dangerous en- terprises. Aboul two or three days before I was set at liberty^ as I was entertaining the court with this kind of feats, there arrived an express to inform his majesty that eome of his subjects, riding near the place where I was first taken up, had seen a great black substance lying on the ground, very oddly shaped, extending its edges round, as wide as his majesty's bed-chamber, and rising up in the middle as high as a man ; that it was no living creature, as they at first apprehended, for it lay on the grass without motion, and some of them had walked round it several times ; that, by mounting upon each other's shoulders, they had got to the top, which was flat and even, and stamping upon it, they found that it was hollow within ; that they humbly conceived it might be something belonging to the man- mountain; and if his majesty pleased, they would undertake to bring it with only five horses. I present- ly knew what they meant, and was glad at heart to receive this intelligence. It seems, upon my first reaching the shore after our shipwreck, I was in such A VOYAGE TO LILLIPTTT. 125 confusion, that before I came to the place where I went to sleep, my hat, which I had fastened with a string to my head while I was rowing, and had stuck on all the time I was swimming, fell off after I came to land ; the string, as I conjecture, breaking by some accident, which I never observed, but thought my hat had been lost at sea. I entreated his imperial majesty to give orders it might be brought to me as soon as possible, describing to him the use and the nature of it ; and the next day the wagoners arrived with it, but not in a very good condition ; they had bored two holes in the brim, within an inch and a half of the edge, and fast- ened two hooks in the holes ; these hooks were tied by a long cord to the harness, and thus my hat was drag- ged along for above half an English mile ; but the ground in that country being extremely smooth and level, it received less damage than I expected. Two days after this adventure, the emperor, having ordered that part of his army which quarters in and about his metropolis, to be in readiness, took a fancy of diverting himself in a very singular manner. He desired I would stand like a colossus, with my legs as far asunder as I conveniently could. He then command- ed his general (who was an old experienced leader, and a great patron of mine) to draw up the troops in close oHer, and march them under me ; the foot by twenty-four abreast, and the horse by sixteen, with drums beating, colours flying, and pikes advanced. This body consisted of three thousand foot, and a thou- sand horse. His majesty gave orders, upon pain of death, that every soldier in his march should observe 126 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. the strictest decency with regard to my person ; which however, could not prevent some of the younger offi- cers from turning up their eyes, as they passed under me ; and, to confess the truth, my breeches were at that time in so ill a condition, that they afforded some opportunities for laughter and admiration. 1 1 The author probably intends to ridicule the partiality of George I. for reviews and military pageantry, Hogarth's celebrated pic- A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 127 I had sent so many memorials and petitions for my liberty that his majesty at length mentioned the matter, first in the cabinet, and then in a full council ; where it was opposed by none, except Skyresh Bol- golam, who was pleased, without any provocation, to be my mortal enemy. 2 But it was carried against him by the whole board, and confirmed by the empeior. That minister \vasgalbet, or admiral of the realm, very much in his master's confidence, and a person well versed in affairs, but of a morose and sour complexion. However, he was at length persuaded to comply ; but prevailed that the articles and conditions upon which I should be set free, and to which I must swear, should be drawn up by himself. These articles were brought to me by Skyresh Bolgolam in person, attended by ture of the " March of the Guards to Finchly," belongs to a much later period, but its satiric touches would probably have been as applicable in the reign of the first as of the second George. 2 Skyresh Bolgolam is most probably the Duke of Argyle, who was greatly incensed at Swift's attacks on the Scottish nation, in his " Public Spirit of the Whigs." In an unfinished poem on himself, tne Dean alludes to the proclamation offering three hun- dred pounds for the discovery of the author of this pamphlet, which was issued at the demand rather than the request of the Duke of Argyle; he conducted all the Scotch lords in a body to demand an audience of the queen, and seek reparation. The queen incensed, his services forgot, Leaves him a victim to the vengeful Scot; Now through the realm a proclamation spread, To fix a price on his devoted head, While, innocent, he scorns ignoble flight; His watchful friends preserve him by a sleight. See also the character given of Argyll in Swift'a notes OB Macky Appendix to Lilliput. 1. 128 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. two under-secretaries and several persons of distlno tion. After they were read, I was demanded to ?wea to the performance of them ; first, in the manner of my own countiy, and afterward in the method prescribed by their laws ; which was, to hold my right foot in my left hand, and to place the middle finger of my right hand on the crown of my head, and my thumb on the tip of my right ear. But, because the reader may be curious to have some idea of the style and manner of expression peculiar to that people, as well as to know the articles upon which I recovered my liberty, I have made a translation of the whole instrument, word foi word, as near as I was able, which I here offer to the public. 1 GOLBASTO MOMAREM EvLAME GuRDILO SnEFIN MCLLY ULLY GDE, most mighty emperor of Lilliput, delight and terror of the universe, whose dominions ex- tend five thousand blustrugs (about twelve miles in cir- cumference) to the extremities of the globe ; monarch of all monarchs, taller than the song of men ; whose feet press down to the centre, and whose head strikes against the sun ; at whose nod the princes of the earth shake their knees ; pleasant as the spring, comfortable as the summer, fruitful as autumn, dreadful as winter. His most sublime Majesty proposes to the Man-moun- In his description of Lilliput, in the following Article?, Gul liver seems to have had England more immediately in view. In his decription ofBlefuscu, he seems to intend the people and king- dom of France. Orrery. It is perhaps in order to qualify this parallel that Swift has changed the relative description of the two countries, and made Lilliput the continent, Blefuscu the island. Sir Walter Scott. A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 129 tain, lately arrived at our celestial dominions, the fol- lowing articles, which, by a solemn oath, he shall be obliged to perform : I. The Man-mountain shall not depart from our do minions, without our license under our great seal. II. He shall not presume to come into our metropolis without our express order ; at which time, the inhabit- ants shall have two hours' warning to keep within doors. III. The said Man-mountain shall confine his walks to our principal high roads, and not offer to walk or lie down in a meadow or field of corn. IV. As he walks the said roads, he shall take the utmost care not to trample upon the bodies of any of our loving subjects, their horses or carriages, nor take any of our subjects into his hands without their own consent V. If an express requires extraordinary dispatch, the Man-mountain shall be obliged to carry, in his pocket, the messenger and horse a six days' journey once in every moon, and return the said messenger back (if so required) safe to our imperial presence. VI. He shall be our ally against our enemies in the Island of Blefuscu, and do his utmost to destroy their fleet, which is now preparing to invade us. VII. That the said Man-mountain shall, at his time of "leisure, be aiding and assisting to our workmen, in 130 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. helping to raise certain great stones, towards covering the wall of the principal park, and other our royal buildings. VIII. That the said Man-mountain shall in two moons' time, deliver in an exact survey of the circum- ference of our dominions, by a computation of his own paces round the coast. Lastly, That, upon his solemn oath to observe all the above articles, the said Man-mountain shall have a daily allowance of meat and drink sufficient for the support of 1724 of our subjects, with free access to our royal person, and other marks of our favour. Given at our palace at Belfaborac, the twelfth day of the ninety- first moon of our reign. I swore and subscribed to these articles with great cheerfulness and content, although some of them were not so honourable as I could have wished ; which proceeded wholly from the malice of Skyresh Bolgo- lam, the high-admiral ; whereupon my chains were immediately unlocked, and I was at full liberty. The emperor himself, in person, did me the honour to be by at the whole ceremony. I made my ac- knowledgments by prostrating myself at his majes- ty's feet : but he commanded me to rise ; and after many gracious expressions, which to avoid the cen- sure of vanity I shall not repeat, he added " that he hoped I should prove a useful servant, and well deserve all the favours he had already conferred upon me, 01 might do for the future." The reader may please to observe, that in the last A VOYAGE TO ULLIPUT. 131 article of the recovery of my liberty, the emperor stipulates to allow me a quantity of meat and drink sufficient for the support of 1724 Lilliputians. Some time after, asking a friend at court how they came to fix on that determined number, he told me that his majesty's mathematicians, having taken the height of my body by the help of a quadrant, and finding it to exceed theirs in the proportion of twelve to one, they concluded from the similarity of their bodies, that mine must contain at least 1724 of theirs, and con- sequently would require as much food as was necessary to support that number of Lilliputians. By which the reader may conceive an idea of the ingenuity of that people, as well a.- the prudent and exact economy of so great a prince. CHAPTER IV. Mi.dendo, the metropolis of Lillipnt, described, together with the emperor'* palae* A conversation between the author and a principal secretary, concerning th affairs of that empire The author offers to serve the emperor in his wars. LIBERTY having been granted me, my first request was for permission to see Mildendo, the metropolis ; which the emperor readily allowed me, but with a special charge to do no hurt either to the inhabi- tants or their houses. The people had notice, by proclamation, of my design to visit the town. The wall, which encompassed it, is two feet and a half high, and at least eleven inches broad, so that a coach and horses may be driven very safely round it ; and it is flanked with strong towers at ten feet distance. I stepped over the great western gate, and passed very gently and sidelong through the two principal streets only in my short waistcoat, for fear of damaging the roofs and eaves of the houses with the skirts of my coat. I walked with the utmost circumspection, to avoid treading on any stragglers who might remain in the streets ; although the orders were very strict, that all people should keep in their houses at their own peril. The garret windows and tops of houses were so crowded with spectators, that I thought in all my travels I had not seen a more populous place. The city is an exact square, each side of the wall being A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 133 five hundred feet long. Tho two great streets, which run across and divide it into four quarters, are five feet wide. The lanes and alleys, which I could not enter, but only viewed them as I passed, are frcm twelve to eighteen inches. The town is capable of holding five hundred thousand souls: the houses are from three to five stories : the shops and markets well provided. The emperor's palace is in the centre of the city, where the two great streets meet. It is enclosed by a wall of two feet high, and twenty feet distance from the buildings. I had his majesty's permission to step over this wall ; and the space being so wide between that and the palace, I could easily view it on every side. The outward court is a square of forty feet, and includes two other courts : in the iamiwt ar* iha 12 134 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. royal apartments, which I was very desirous to see, but found it extremely difficult ; for the great gates, from one square into another, were bu eighteen inches high, and seven inches wide. Now the build- ings of the outer court were at least five feet high, and it was impossible for me to stride over them with- out infinite damage to the pile, though the walls were strongly built of hewn stone, and four inches thick. At the same time the emperor had a great desire that I should see the magnificence of his palace ; but this I was not able to do till three days after, which I spent in cutting down with my knife some of the largest trees in the royal park, about a hundred yards distance from the city. Of these trees I made two stools, each about three feet high, and strong enough to bear my weight. The people having received notice a second time, I went again through the city to the palace with my two stools in my hands. When I came to the side of the outer court, I stood upon one stool, and took the other in my hand ; this I lifted over the roof, and gently set it down on the space between the first and second court, which was eight feet wide. I then stepped over the building very con- veniently from one stool to the other, and drew up the first after me with a hooked stick. By this contri- vance I got into the inmost court ; and, lying down upon my side, I applied my face to the windows of the middle stories, which were left open on purpose, and discovered the most splendid apartments that can be imagined. There I saw the empress and the young princes, in A VOYAGE TO LILLIPOT. 135 their several lodgings, with their chief alter dants about them. Her imperial majesty was pleased to smile very graciously upon me, and gave me out of the win- dow her hand to kiss. 1 But I shall not anticipate the reader with further descriptions of this kind, because I reserve them for a greater work, which is now almost ready for the press; containing a general description of this empire, from its first erection, through a long series of princes ; with a particular account of their wars and politics, laws, learning and religion ; their plants and animals ; their peculiar manners and customs, with other matters very curious and useful ; my chief design at present being only to relate such events and transactions as happened to the public or to myself during a residence of about nine months in that empire. One morning, about a fortnight after I had obtained my liberty, Reldresal, principal secretary (as they style him) for private affairs, came to my house at- tended only by one servant. He ordered his coach to wait at a distance, and desired I would give him an hour's audience ; which I readily consented to, on ac- count of his quality and personal merits, as well as of the many good offices he had done me during my solicitations at court. I offered to lie down that he might the more conveniently reach my ear ; but he chose rather to let me hold him in my hand during our conversation. He began with compliments on my liberty ; said " he might pretend to some merit in it j" 1 The character of the empress is manifestly taken from that of Queen Anne good-natured, but easily duped. 136 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. but however added, " that if it had not been for the present situation of things at court, perhaps I might not have obtained it so soon. For," said he, " as flour- ishing condition as we may appear to be in to foreign- ers, we labour under two mighty evils ; a violent fac- tion at home, and the danger of an invasion, by a most potent enemy, from abroad. As to the first, you are to understand, that for above seventy moons past there have been two struggling parties in this empire, under the names of Tramecksan and Slamecksan, 1 from the high and low heels of their shoes, by which they dis- tinguish themselves. It is alleged, indeed, that the high-heels are most agreeable to our ancient constitu- tion ; but, however this be, his majesty has determined to make use only of low-heels in the administration of the government, and all offices in the gift of the crown, as you cannot but observe : and particularly that his majesty's imperial heels are lower at least by a drurr than any of his court {drurr is a measure about the fourteenth part of an inch). The animosi- ties between these two parties run so high, that they will neither eat nor drink nor talk with each other. We compute the Tramecksan, or high-heels, to exceed us in number ; but the power is wholly on our side. We apprehend his imperial highness, the heir to the crown, to have some tendency towards the high-heels ; * High-church and Low-church, or Whig and Tory. As every accidental difference between man and man in person and circum- stances is by this work rendered extremely contemptible ; so specu- lative differences are shown to be equally ridiculous, when the aeal with which they are opposed and defended tco much exceeds their importance. Hawksworth. A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 137 at least, we can plainly discover that one of his heela is higher than the other, which gives him a hobble in his gait. 1 Now, in the midst of these intestine dis- quiets, we are threatened with an invasion from the island of Blefuscu, which is the other great empire of the universe, almost as large and powerful as this of his majesty. For as to what we have heard you affirm, that there are other kingdoms and states in the world inhabited by human creatures as large as yourself, our philosophers are in much doubt, and would rather conjecture that you dropped from the moon, or one of the stars; because it is certain that a hundred mortals of your bulk would in a short time destroy all the fruits and cattle of his majesty's dominions : besides, our histories of six thousand moons make no mention of any other regions than the two great empires of Lilliput and Blefuscu. Which two mighty powers have, as I was going to teH you, been engaged in a most obstinate war for six-and-thirty moons past. It began upon the following occasion : it is allowed on all hands, that the primitive way of breaking eggs, 1 George, Prince of Wales, afterwards George II., was at this time vehement in his hostility to his father's ministers ; like all heirs-apparent since the accession of the house of Brunswick, he chose his political friends among the parties most opposed to the court, calling around him both the discontented whigs and the displeased lories. We learn from a letter of Mrs. Howard, that the prince was greatly amused at this description of his hob- bling between the two political parties. On his accession to the throne, which took place shortly after the publication of Gulliver, he was easily induced by Queen Caroline to continue Sir Robert Walpole at the head of affairs ; an unexpec'.?d change, which grcately disappointed Swift and his friends. 12* 138 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. before we eat them, was upon the larger end ; but hia present majesty's grandfather, while he was a boy, going to eat an egg, and breaking it according to the ancient practice, happened to cut one of his fingers; whereupon the emperor, his father, published an edict, commanding all his subjects, great penalties, to break the smaller end of their eggs. 1 The people so highly resented this law, that our histories tell us, there have been six rebellions raised on that account ; where- in one -emperor lost his life, 9 and another his crown. 1 These civil commotions were constantly fomented by the monarchs of Blefuscu ; and when they were quell- ed, the exiles always fled for refuge to that empire. It is computed that eleven thousand persons have at several times suffered death, rather than submit to break their eggs at the smaller end. Many hundred large volumes have been published upon this contro- versy : but the books of the Big-endians have been long forbidden, and the whole party rendered incapable by law of holding employments. During the course of these troubles, the emperors of Blefuscu did fre- quently expostulate by their ambassadors, accusing us of making a schism in religion by offending against a fundamental doctrine of our great prophet Lustrog, .in the fifty-fourth Qhapter of the Blundecral, which i-s 1 The controversy respecting the sacraments between the Ro- mish and Anglican churches is humorously portrayed in the dispute about the proper end of breaking the egg. The emperor who cut his fingers is manifestly Henry VIII., who was so sadly perplexed by the sacrament of marriage, and the difficulty of divorce. * Charles I. 3 James II. A VOYAGE TO LILLIPTTT. 139 their Alcoran. This, however, is thought to be a mere strain upon the text ; for the words are these : that all true believers break their eggs at the convenient end ; and which is the convenient end seems, in my humble opinion, to be left to every man's conscience, or at least in the power of the chief magistrate to de- termine. 1 " Now, the Big-endian exiles have found so much credjt in the emperor of Blefuscu's court, and so much private assistance and encouragement from their party here at home, that a bloody war has been carried on between the two empires for six-and-thirty moons, with various success ; during which time we have lost forty capital ships, and a much greater number of smaller vessels, together with thirty thousand of our best seamen and soldiers ; and the damage re- ceived by the enemy is reckoned to be somewhat greater than ours.* However, they have now equipped 1 Swift appears to intimate that the great point at issue between the Romish and English churches, the sacrament of the eucha- rist, has been decided too positively by the theologians on both sides ; he intimates that the question of transubstantiation should be left open to the faith of the receiver, in accordance with the me- morable lines of Queen Elizabeth. Christ was the word that spake it He took the bread, and brake it, And what that word did make it; That I believe and take it. 8 This description of the Big-endian war is designed for the wars of the revolution, which were terminated by the peace of Utrecht, and the enumeration of the losses and slaughter occasioned by the war is intended to vindicate Harley and Bolingbroke for bringing it to a conclusion. 140 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. a numerous fleet, and are just preparing to make a descent upon us ; and his imperial majesty, placing great confidence in your valour and strength, has commanded me to lay this account of his affairs be- fore you." I desired the secretary to present my humble duty to the emperor ; and let him know, " that I thought it would not become me, who was a foreigner, to in- terfere with parties ; but I was ready, with the hazard of my life, to defend his person and state against all invaders."' 1 Gulliver, without examining the subject of dispute, readily engaged to defend the emperor against invasion ; because he knew that no such monarch had a right to invade the dominion! of another, for the propagation of truth. Hawkswortk. CHAPTER V. Th author, by an extraordinary stratagem, prevents an invasion. 4 high title of honour is conferred upon him. Ambassadors arrive from the Emperor tf Blefuscu, and sue for peace. The Empress's apartments on fire \sj accident ( the author instrumental in saving the rest of the palace- LILLIPUT is part of the continent, but the empire of Biefuscu is an island situated to the north-east of the mainland, from which it is parted only by a channel of eight hundred yards wide. I h&d not yet seen it, and upon this notice of an intended invasion, I avoided appearing on that side of the coast, for fear of being discovered by some of the enemy's ships, who had re- ceived no intelligence of me ; all intercourse between the two empires having been strictly forbidden during the war, upon pain of death, and an embargo laid by our emperor upon all vessels whatsoever. I com- municated to his majesty a project I had formed of sei/.ing the enemy's whole fleet ; which, as our scouts assured us, lay at anchor in the harbour, ready to sail with the first fair wind. I consulted the most experienced seamen upon the depth of the channel, which they had often plumbed ; who told me, that in the middle, at high water, it was seventy glum- gluffs deep, which is about six feet of European mea- sure ; and the rest of it fifty glumgluffs at most. I walked towards the north-east 'coast, over against Ble- 142 GULLIVE/l S TRAVELS. fuscu ; where, lying down behind a hillock, I look out my small perspective glass and viewed the enemy's fleet at anchor, consisting of about fifty men-of-war, and a great number of transports : I then came back to my house, and gave orders (for which I had a war- rant) for a great quantity of the strongest cable and bars of iron. The cable was about as thick as packthread, and the bars of the length and size of a knitting-needle. I trebled the cable to make it strong- er, and for the same reason, I twisted three of the iron bars together, bending the extremities into a hook. Having thus fixed fifty hooks to as many cables, I went back to the north-east coast, and putting off my coat, shoes, and stockings, walked into the sea in my leathern jerkin, about half an hour before high water. I waded with what haste I could, and swam in the middle abont thirty yards, till I felt ground. I ar- rived at the fleet in less than half an hour. The enemy was so frighted when they saw me, that they leaped out of their ships, and swam to shore, where A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 143 there could not be feWer than thirty thousand souls : I then took my tackling, and fastening a hook to the hole at the prow of each, I tied all the cords together at the end. While 1 was thus employed, the enemy discharged several thousand arrows, many of which stuck in my hands and face ; and, besides the exces- sive smart, gave me much disturbance in my work. My greatest apprehension was for mine eyes, which I should have infallibly lost, if I had not suddenly thought of an expedient. I kept, among other little necessaries, a pair of spectacles in a private pocket, which, as I observed before, had escaped the emperor's searchers. These I took out and fastened as strong- ly as I could upon my nose, and thus armed, went on boldly with my work, in spite of the enemy's arrows, many of which struck against the glasses of my spec- tacles, but without any other effect, farther than a little to discompose them. I had now fastened all the hooks, and taking the knot in my hand, began to pull ; but not a ship would stir, for they were all too fast held by their anchors, so that the boldest part of my enterprise remained. I therefore let go the cord, and leaving the hooks fixed to the ships, I resolutely cut with my knife the cables that fastened the anchors, receiving about two hundred arrows in my face and hands ; then I took up the knotted end of the cables, to which my hooks were tied, and with great ease drew fifty of the enemey's largest men-of-war after me. The Blefuscudians, who had not the least imagina- tion of what I intended, were at first confounded with astonishment. They had seen me cut the cables, and 144 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. thought my design was only to let the ships ran adrift, or fall foul on each other ; but when they perceived the whole fleet moving in order, and saw me pulling at the end, they set up such a scream of grief and despair as it is almost impossible to describe or con- ceive. 1 When I had got out of danger, I stopped awhile to pick out the arrows that stuck in my hands and face ; and rubbed on some of the same ointment that was given me at my first arrival, as I have for- merly mentioned. I then took off my spectacles, and waiting about an hour till the tide was a little fallen, I waded through the middle with my cargo, and ar- rived safe at the royal port of Lilliput. The emperor and his whole court stood on the shore, expecting the issue of this great adventure. They saw ihe ships move forward in a large half-moon, but could not discern me, who was up to my breast in water. When I advanced to the middle of the channel, they were yet more in pain, because I was under water to my neck. The emperor concluded me to be drown- ed, nad that the enemy's fleet was approaching in a hostile manner ; but he was soon eased of his fears ; for the channel growing shallower every step I made, I came in a short time within hearing, and holding up the end of the cable, by which the fleet was fastened, I cried, in a loud voice, " Long live the most puis- sant king of Lilliput !" This great prince received 1 The capture of the Blefuscudian fleet is intended to represent the efforts made by the tory ministry to secure the naval supre- macy of England in the negotiations at Utrecht, and particularly their success in procuring the demolition of Dunkirk, and tht cession of several French colunits. A VOY1G.E TO LILLIPUT. 145 me at my landing with all possible encomiums, and created me a nardac upon the spot, which is the high- est title of honour among them. 1 His majesty desired I would take some other oppor- tunity of bringing all the rest of his enemy's ships into his ports. And so unmeasurable is the ambition of princes, that he seemed to think of nothing less 1 The treaty at Utrecht was at first very popular with the Eng- lish people ; and it was regarded by Queen Arinc as a blessing to England and to Europe. The promised demolition of Dunkirk, and its surrender as a guarantee to General Hill, were regarded not only by the court, but by the nation, as an advantage scarcely inferior to what the capture of the Blefuscudian fleet would hava been to the emperor of Lilliput. Swift wrote a song on- the event, which was very popular. The following are the concluding stanzas : Our merchant ships may cut the line, And not be snapt by privateers ; And commoners who love good wine, Will drink it now as well as peers ; Landed men shall have their rent, Yet our stocks rise cent, per cent. ; The Dutch from hence shall no more millions drain ; We'll bring on us no more debts, Nor with bankrupts fill gazettes ; And the queen shall enjoy her own again. The towns we took ne'" did us good : What signified the Fi-ft^ch to beat 1 We spent our money and our blood To make the Dutchmen proud aad great: But the lord of Oxford swears Dunkirk never shall be theirs y. The Dutch-hearted whigs may rail and complaint But true Englishmen may fill A health to General Hill, For the queen now enjoys her own again. 13 146 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. than reducing the whole empire of Blefuscu into & province, and governing it by a viceroy ; of destroy, ing the Big-endian exiles, and compelling that people to break the smaller end of their eggs, by which he would remain the sole monarch of the whole world. But I endeavoured to divert him from this design, by many arguments drawn from the topics of policy as well as justice ; and I plainly protested, "that I would never be an instrument of bringing a free and brave people into slavery j" and when the matter was de- bated in council, the wisest part of the ministry were of my opinion. 1 This open, bold declaration of mine, was so oppo- site to the schemes and politics of his imperial majesty, that he C9uld never forgive me. He mentioned it in a very artful manner at council, were I was told that some of the wisest appeared at least, by their silence, to be of my opinion ; but others, who were my secret enemies, could not forbear some expressions which by a side-wind reflected on me ; and from this time began an intrigue between his majesty, and a junto of ministers, maliciously bent against me, which broke The conquest of France was seriously believed feasible by many friends of the Duke of Marlborough ; but when the siege of such a petty fortress as Bouchain occ.ipied the greater part of one campaign, the best English statesmen saw there was lit- ile chance of such a consummation. Mesnager, if the memoirs published in his name be not a forgery, declares that the lories used to annoy the whigs by asking " How long will it take to conquer France at the rate of a Bouchain per summer 7" In tho debates on the treaty of Utrecht (A. D. 1713), the advocates for peace had decidedly the best of the argument, so that Guiliver is Qualified in saying that (i the wisest were of his opinion." A' VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 147 out in less than two months, and had like to have ended in my utter destruction. Of so little weight are the greatest services to princes, when put into the balance with a refusal to gratify their passions. About three weeks after this exploit, there arrived a solemn embassy from Blefuscu, with humble offers of a peace ; which was soon concluded, upon condi- tions very advantageous to our emperor, wherewith I shall not trouble the reader. There were six ambas- sadors with a train of about five hundred persons : and their entry was very magnificent, suitable to the gran- deur of their master, and the importance of their business. When their treaty was finished, wherein I did them several good offices by the credit I now had, or at least appeared to have, at court, their excellen- cies, who were privately told how much I had been their friend, made me a visit in form. They began with many compliments upon my valour and generosi- ty, invited me to that kingdom in the emperor their master's name, and desired me to show them some proofs of my prodigious strength, of which they had heard so many wonders ; wherein I readily obliged them, but shall not trouble the reader with the partic- ulars. When I had for some time entertained their excel- lencies, to their infinite satisfaction and surprise, I desired they would do me the honour to present my most humble respects to the emperor their master, the renown of whose virtues had so justly filled the whole world with admiration, and whose royal person I re- solved to attend before I returned to my own country. 148 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. Accordingly, the next time I had the honour to see our emperor, I desired his general license to wait on the Blefuscudian monarch, which he was pleased to grant me, as I could perceive, in a very cold manner , but could not guess the reason, till I had a whisper from a certain person, " that Flimnap and Bolgolan had represented my intercourse with those ambassa- dors as a mark of disaffection ;" from which I am sure my heart was wholly free. And this was the first time [ began to conceive some imperfect idea of courts and ministers. 1 It is to be observed, that these ambassadors spoke to me by an interpreter, the languages of both empires differing as much from each other as any two in Eu- rope, and each nation priding itself upon the antiquity, beauty, and energy of their own tongue, with an avowed contempt for that of their neighbour : yet our emperor, standing upon the advantage he had got by the seizure of their fleet, obliged them to deliver their credentials, and make their speech, in the Lilliputian tongue. And it must be confessed, that from the great intercourse of trade and commerce between both realms, from the continual reception of exiles which is mutual among them, and from the custom, in each 1 The charge raised against Gulliver for his innocent intercourse with the ambassadors from Blefuscu alludes to the chief accu- sation brought against Bolingbroke (A. D. 1715), which was his treasonable intimacy with the French ministers during the nego- tiations of the peace at Utrecht. Bolingbroke's journey to France to negotiate a separate peace, and his clandestine intercourse with the agents of Louis, were, however, of such a suspicious nature^ that he did not think it prudent to wait for his trial. A. VOYAGE TO LILLIPITT. 149 empire, to send their young nobility and richer gentry to the other, in order to polish themselves by seeing the world, and understanding men and manners ; there are few persons of distinction, or merchants, or seamen, who dwell in the maritime parts, but what can hold conversation in both tongues ; as I found some weeks after, when I went to pay my respects to the emperor of Blefuscu, which, in the midst of great misfortunes, through the malice of my enemies, proved a very hap. py adventure to me, as I shall relate in its proper place. The reader may remember, that when I signed thost articles upon which I recovered my liberty, there were some which I disliked, upon account of their being too servile ; neither could any thing but an extreme necessity have forced me to submit. But being now a nordac of the highest rank in that empire, such offices were looked upon as below my dignity, and the emperor (to do him justice) never once mentioned them to me. However, it was not long before I had an opportunity of doing his majesty, at least as I then thought, a most signal service. I was alarmed at midnight with the cries of many hundred people at my door ; by which, being suddenly awaked, I was in sjme kind of terror. I heard the word burglum re. peated incessantly : several of the emperor's court, making their way t.irough the crowd, entreated me to come immediately to the palace, where her imperial majesty's apartment was on fire, by the carelessness of a maid of honour, who fell asleep while she wag reading a romance. I got up in an instant ; and or- 13* 150 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. ders being given to clear the way before me, and ft being likewise a moonshine night, I made a shift to get to the palace without trampling on any of the people. I found they had already applied ladders to the walla of the apartment, and were well provided with buck ets, but the water was at some distance. These buckets were about the size of a large thimble, and the poor peo- ple supplied me with them as fast as they could ; but tho flame was so violent that they did little good. I might easily have stifled it with my coat, which I unfortu- nately left behind me for haste, agd came away only in my leathern jerkin. The case seemed wholly des- perate and deplorable j and this magnificent palace would have infallibly been burnt down to the ground, if, by a presence of mind unusual to me, I had not suddenly thought of an expedient. I had the evening before drunk plentifully of a most delicious wine call- ed glimigrim (the Blefuscudians call it flunec), but ours is esteemed the better -sort, which is very diure- tic. By the luckiest chance in the world, I had not discharged myself of any part of it. The heat I had contracted by coming very near the flames, and by labouring to quench them, made the wine begin to operate by urine, which I voided in such a quantity, and applied so well to the proper places, that in three minutes the fire was wholly extinguished, and the rest of that noble pile, which .had cost so many ages in erecting, preserved from destruction. It was now daylight, and I returned to my house without waiting to congratulate with the emperor ; be. cause although I had done a very eminent piece of A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 151 service, yet I could not tell how his majesty might resent the manner by which I had performed it : for by the fundamental laws of the realm, it is capital in any person, of what quality soever, to make water within the precincts of the palace. But I was a little com- forted by a message from his majesty, " that he would give orders to the grand justiciary for passing my pardon in form ;" which however, I could not obtain ; and I was privately assured, that the empress, con- ceiving the greatest abhorrence of what I had done, removed to the most distant side of the court, firmly resolved that those buildings should never be repaired for her use ; and, in the presence of her chief con- fidents, could not forbear vowing revenge. 1 1 Swift, in this description of the empress's hostility on account of his indecency, and her forgetfulness of the essential service which he had rendered, alludes to the prejudices of Q.ueen Anne, Who was more indignant at the immorality of his writings than grateful for his support of her favourite ministry. The Queen had actually nominated Swift to an English Bishopric, when Dr. Sharp, archbishop of York, went to the Queen, showed her the "Tale of a Tub," and declared that the author of such a work could not be made a prelate without bringing disgrace on the church. Hence Swift, in the lines on himself, complains that be is By an old pursued, A crazy prelate and a royal prude. And again. York is from Lambeth sent to show the queen A dangerous treatise writ against the spleen, Which, by the style, the matter, and the drift, 'T is thought could be the work of none but Swift. The Archbishop was eagerly seconded by the Duchess of Som- erset, whom Swift had bitterly lampooned. The Queen could never afterwards be persuaded to revoke her determination, and Swift thenceforth always sooke of her in terms of contempt. CHAPTER VI. 1 K the inhabitants of Lillipnt ; their learning, laws, and custom* ; tne manect of educating their children. The author's way of living j> that ^untry. HM vindication of a great lady. QUARRELS and intrigues are so common in courts, .hat I need not dwell on the calumnies devised by the envious to prejudice the mind of the empress still further against me, and I shall therefore turn to a different subject. Although I intend to leave the de- scription of this empire to a particular treatise, yet, in the mean time, I am content to gratify the curious reader with some general ideas. As the common size of the natives is somewhat under six inches high, so there is an exact proportion in all other animals, as well as plants and trees; for instance, the tallest horses and oxen are between four and five inches in height, the sheep an inch and half, more or less ; their geese about the bigness of a sparrow, and so the sev- eral gradations downwards, till you come to the small. 1 In a German critique on Gulliver's Travels, this chapter has been rather severely censured, because the author has ne- glected to give any particulars of the Lilliputian climate and its effects ; a source from which the review avers, that many cir- cumstances might have been deduced which would give an ad- ditional plausibility to the narrative. It must be observed, however, in Swift's justification, that this neglect of observing climate and its peculiarities is common to all the early narratives of voyagers, and also that for the purposes of his satire it was necessary to identify the Lilliputian climate with that of Eng land. VOYAGE TO LILLIPTTT. 153 est, which, to my sight were almost invisible ; but nature has adapted the eyes of the Lilliputians to all objects proper for their view j- they see with great exactness, but at no great distance. A.nd to show the sharpness of their sight towards objects that are near, I have been much pleased with a cook pulling a lark, which was not so large as a common fly ; and a young girl threading an invisible needle with invisi- ble silk. Their tallest trees are about seven feet high , I mean some of those in the great royal park, the tops whereof I could but just reach with my fist clenched. The other vegetables are in the same proportion ; but this I leave to the reader's imagination. * rhall say but little at present of their learning, which for many ages has flourished in all its branchpi among them ; but their manner of writing is very peculiar, being neither from the left to the right, like the Europeans ; tsmnwtawe / tSM&>m/uwax*% nor from up to down, like the Chinese j w. ft. 154 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. but aslant, from one corner of the paper tc the other, like ladies in England. They bury their dead with their heads directly downward, because they hold an opinion that in eleven thousand moons they are all to rise again ; in which period the earth (which they conceive to be flat) will turn upside down, and by this means they shall, at their resurrection, be found ready standing on their feet. The learned among them confess the absurdity of this doctrine ; but the practice still continues, in compliance to the vulgar. There are some laws and customs in this empire very peculiar ; and if they were not so directly con- trary to those of my own dear country, I should be tempted to say a little in their justification. It is only to be wished they were as well executed. The first I shall mention, relates to informers. All crimes against the state are punished here with the utmost severity ; but if the person accused makes his inno- cence plainly to appear upon his trial, the accuser is immediately put to an ignominious death ; and out of his goods or lands the innocent person is quadruply recompensed for the loss of his time, for the danger he underwent, for the hardship of his imprisonment, and for all the charges he has been at in making his de- fence ; or, if that fund be deficient, it is largely sup- plied by the crown. The emperor also confers on him some public mark of his favour, and proclama- tion is n.ade of his innocence through the whole city. They look upon fraud as a greater crime than theft, and therefore seldom fail to punish it with A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 15ft death ; for they allege, that care and vigilance, with a very common understanding, may preserve a man's goods from thieves, but honesty has no fence against superior cunning ; and since it is necessary thai there should be a perpetual intercourse of buying and sell ing, and dealing upon credit, where fraud is permitted and connived at, or has no law to punish it, the honest dealer is always undone, and the knave gets the ad- vantage. I remember, when I was once interceding with the king for a criminal who had wronged his master of a great sum of money, which he receiveu by order, and ran away with ; and happening to tell his majesty by way of extenuation, that it was only a breach of trust, the emperor thought it monstrous in me to offer as a defence the greatest aggravation of the crime ; and truly I had little to say in return, farther than the common answer, that different nations h?i different customs; for, I confess I was heartily ashamed. 1 Although we call re wards and punishments the two hinges upon which all government turns, yet I could never observe this maxim to be put in practice by any nation, except that of Lilliput. Whoever can there bring sufficient proof that he has strictly observed the laws of his country for seventy-three moons, has a claim to certain privileges, according to his quality and condition of life, with a proportionable sum of money out of a fund appropriated for that use ; he likewise acquires the title of snilpatt, or legal, which 1 An act of parliament has since been passed, by which soma breaches of trust have been made capital. Orig. 156 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. is added to his name, but does not descend to his pos terity. And these people thought it a prodigous defect of policy among us wlrun I told them that our laws were enforced only by penalties, without any mention of reward. It is upon this account that the image of Justice, in their courts of judicature, is formed with six eyes, two before, as many behind, and on each side one, to signify circumspection with a bag of gold open in her right hand, and a sword sheathed in her left, to show that she is more disposed to reward than to punish. In choosing persons for all employments, they have more regard to good morajs than to great abilities ; for, since government is necessary to mankind, they believe that the common size of human understand, ing is fitted to some station or other ; and that Provi- dence never intended to make the management of public affairs a mystery to be comprehended only by a few persons of sublime genius, of which there sel- dom are three born in an age : but they suppose truth, justice, temperance, and the like, to be in every man's power ; the practice of which virtues, assisted by ex- perience and a good intention, would qualify any man for the service of his country, except where a course of study is required. But they thought the want of moral virtues was so fa from being supplied by supe- rior endowments of the mind, that employments could never be put into such dangerous hands as those of per. sons so qualified ; and at least, that the mistakes commit. ted by ignorance, in a virtuous disposition, would never be of sucj fatal consequence to the public weal, aa A V, ITAGE TO LILLIPUT. 151 the practices of a man whose inclinations led him t be corrupt, and who had great abilities to manage, tf multiply, and defend his corruptions. In like manner, the disbelief of a Divine Providenc renders a man incapable of holding any public sta tion ; for since kings avow themselves to be the depu ties of Providence, the Lilliputians think nothing can be more absurd than for a prince to employ such men as disown the authority under which he acts. In relating these and the following laws, I would only be understood to mean the original institutions, and not the most scandalous corruptions, into which ihese people are fallen by the degenerate nature of man. For, as to that infamous practice of acquiring great employments by dancing on ropes, or badges of favour and distinction by leaping over sticks and creeping under them, the reader is to observe that they were first introduced by the grandfather of the emperor now reigning, and grew to the present height by the gradual increase of party and faction. 1 Ingratitude is among them a capital crime, as we read it to have been in some other countries : for they reason thus ; that whoever makes ill returns to his benefactor, must needs be a common enemy to the rest of mankind, from whom he has received no obli- gation, and therefore such a man is not fit to live. Their notions relating to the duties of parents and children, differ extremely from ours. For since the conjunction of male and female is founded upon the l The author alludes to the prostitution of honours, and the la- riah distribvtion of titles, in the reign of James I. 14 158 GULL ER'S TRAVELS. great law of nature, in order to propagate and continue the species, the Lilliputians will needs have it, that men and women are joined together, like other animals, by the motives of concupiscence; and that their tender, ness towards their young proceeds from the like natu- ral principle ; for which reason they will never allow that a child is under any obligation to his father for begetting him, or to his mother for bringing him into the world ; which, considering the miseries of human life, was neither a benefit in itself, nor intended so by his parents, whose thoughts, in their love encounters, were otherwise employed. 1 Upon these, and the like reasonings, their opinion is, that parents are the last of all others to be trusted with the education of their own children ; and therefore they have in every town pub- lic nurseries, where all parents, except cottagers and labourers, are obliged to send their infants of both sexes to be reared and educated, when they come to the age of twenty moons, at which time they are sup- posed to have some rudiments of docility. These schools are of several kinds, suited to different quali- ties, and both sexes. They have certain professors well skilled in preparing children for such a condi- tion of life as befits the rank of their parents, and their own capacities, as well as inclinations. I shall first say something of the male nurseries, and then of the female. The nurseries for males of noble or eminent birth, 1 Sir Walter Scott is of opinion that this idea is borrowed from Cyrano Bergerac's Voyage to the Moon, where he finds a people with whom it was the rule that parents should obey their chil- dren. A. VOYAGE TO LILL1PUT. 159 are provided with grave and learned professors, and their several deputies. The clothes and food of the children are plain and simple. They are bred up in the principles of honour, justice, courage, modesty, clemency, religion, and love of their country ; they are always employed in some business, except in the limes of eating and sleeping, which are very short, and two hours for diversions, consisting of bodily ex- ercises. They are dressed by men till four years of age, and then are obliged to dress themselves, although their quality be ever so great ; and the women attend- ants, who are aged proportionably to- ours at fifty, perform only the most menial offices. They are never suffered to converse with servants, but go together, in smaller or greater numbers, to take their diversions, and always in the presence of a professor, or one of his deputies ; whereby they avoid those early bad im- pressions of folly and vice, to which our children are subject. Their parents are suffered to see them only twice a year ; the visit is to last but an hour ; they are allowed to kiss the child at meeting and parting ; but a professor who always stands by on those occa- sions, will not suffer them to whisper, or use any fond- ling expressions, or bring any presents of toys, sweet meats, and the like. The pension from each family for the education and entertainment of a child, upon failure of due pay- ment, is levied by the emperor's officers. The nurseries for children of ordinary gentlemen, merchants, traders, and handicrafts, are managed pro- portionably after the same manner ; only those de- 160 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. signed for trades are put out apprentices at eleven years old : whereas those of persons of quality con- tinue in their exercises till fifteen, which answers to twenty-one with us ; but the confinement is gradually lessened for the last three years In the female nurseries, the young girls of quality are educated much like the males, only they are dressed by orderly servants of their own sex ; but always in the presence of a professor or deputy, till they come to dress themselves, which is at five years old. And if it be found that these nurses ever pre- sume to entertain the girls with frightful or foolish stories, or the common follies practised by chamber, maids among us, they are publicly whipped thrice about the city, imprisoned for a year, and banished for life to the most desolate part of the country. Thus the young ladies there are as much ashamed of being cowards and fools as the men, and despise all personal ornaments, beyond decency and cleanliness : neither did I perceive any difference in their edu- cation made by their difference of sex, only that the exercises of the females were not altogether so robust ; and that some rules were given them relating to domestic life, and a smaller compass of learning was enjoined them : for their maxim is, that among people of quality, a wife should be always a reasonable and agreeable companion, because she cannot always he young. When the girls are twelve, years old, which among them is the marriageable age, their parents or guardians take them home, with great expressions of g.'atituds to th? professors, and A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 161 seldom without the tears of the young lady and hel companions. In the nurseries of females of the meaner sort, the children are instructed in all kinds of work propel for their sex, and their several degrees ; those intended for apprentices are dismissed at seven years old, the test are kept until eleven. The meaner families who have children at these nurseries are obliged, beside their annual pension, which is as low as possible, to return to the steward of the nursery a small monthly share of their gettings, to be a portion for the child ; and therefore all parents are limited in their expenses by the law. For the Lilliputians think nothing can be more unjust, than for people, in subservience to their own appetites, to bring children into the world, and leave the burden of supporting them on the public. As to persons of quality, they give security to appropriate a certain sum for each child, suitable to their condition : and these funds are always managed with good husbandry and the most exact justice. The cottagers and labourers keep their children at home, their business being only to till and cultivate the earth, and therefore their education is of little consequence to the public : but the old and diseased among them, are supported by hospitals ; for begging is a trade unknown in this empire. And here it may, perhaps, divert the curious reader, to give some account of my domestics, and my man- ner of living in this country, during a residence of nine months and thirteen days. Having a head me- U* 162 GULLIVER S TRAVELS. chanically turned, and being likewise forced by necessity, I had made for myself a table and chair convenient enough, out of the largest trees in the royal park. Two hundred sempstresses were em- ployed to make me shirts and linen for my bed and table, all of the strongest and coarsest kind they could get. which, however, they were forced to quilt together in several folds, for the thickest was some degrees finer than lawn. Their linen is usually three inches wide, and three feet make a piece. The sempstresses took my measure as I lay on the ground, one standing at my neck, and another at my mid-leg, with a strong cord extended, that each held by the end, while a third measured the length of the cord with a rule of an inch long. Then they measured my right thumb, and desired no more ; for by a mathematical compu- tation, that twice round the thumb is once round the wrist, and so on to the neck and the waist, and by the help of my old shirt, which I displayed on the ground A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 163 before them for a pattern ; they fitted me exactly. Three hundred tailors were employed in the same manner to make me clothes ; but they had another contrivance for taking my measure. I kneeled down, and they raised a ladder from the ground to my neck ; upon this ladder one of them mounted, ard let fall a plumb-line from my collar to the floor, which just answered the length of my coat ; but my waist and arms I measured myself. When my clothes were finished, which was done in my house (for the largest of (heirs would not have been able to hold them), they looked like the patchwork made by the ladies in England, only that mine were all of a colour. I had three hundred cooks to dress my victuals, in little convenient huts built about my house, where they and their families lived, and prepared me two dishes a-piece. I took up twenty waiters in my hand, and placed them on the table ; a hundred more at- tended below en the ground, some with dishes of 164 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. meat, and some with barrels of wine and othei liquors slung on their shoulders, all which the waiters above drew up, as I wanted, in a very ingenious manner, by certain cords, as we draw the bucket up a well in Europe. A dish of their meat was a good mouthful, and a barrel of their .iquor a reasonable draught. Their mutton yields to ours, but their beef is excellent. I have had a sirloin so large, that I have been forced to make three bites of it ; bul this is rare. My servants were astonished to see rno eat it, bones and all, as in our country we do the leg of a lark. Their geese and turkeys I usually ate at a mouthful, and I confess they far exceed ours. Ot their smaller fowl, I could take up twenty or thirty at the end of my knife. One day his imperial majesty, being informed of my way of living, desired " that himself and his royal consort, with the young princes of the blood of both sexes, might have the happiness," as he was pleased to call it, " of dining with me." They came accord, ingly, and I placed them in chairs of state upon my table, just over against me, with their guards about them. Flimnap, the lord high-treasurer, attended there likewise, with his white staff; and I observed he often looked on me with a sour countenance, which I would not seem to regard, but ate more than usual, in honour to my dear country, as well as to fill the court with admiration. I have some private reasons believe, that this visit from his majesty gave Flim- nap an opportunity of doing me ill offices to his mas- ter. That minister had always been my secret enemy, A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 165 (hough he outwardly caressed me more than was usual to the moroseness of his nature. He represented to the emperor " the low condition of his treasury ; that ne was forced to take up money at a great discount ; that exchequer bills would not circulate under nine per cent, below par ; that I had cost his majesty above a million and a half of sprugs (their greatest gold coin, about the bigness of a spangle) ; and, upon the whole, that it wo.uld be advisable in the emperor to take the first fair occasion of dismissing me." 1 I am here obliged to vindicate the reputation of an excellent lady, who was an innocent sufferer on my account. The treasurer took a fancy to be jealous of his wife, from the malice of some evil tongues, who informed him that her Grace had taken a violent af- fection for my person ; and the court scandal ran for some time, that she once came privately to my lodg- ing. This I solemnly declare to be a most infamous falsehood, without any grounds, farther than that her Grace was pleased to treat me with all innocent marks of freedom and friendship. I own she came often to my house, but always publicly, nor ever without three more in the coach, who were usually her sister and young daughter, and some particular acquaint- ance ; but this was common to many other ladies of the court ; and I still appeal to my servants round whether they at any time saw a coach at my door without knowing what persons were in it. On those 1 Sir Robert Walpole was often reproached with false economy, no uncommon topic of railing against the whigs. The par- simonious disposition of George I. has been already noticed. 166 GULLl ER'S TRAVELS. occasions, when a servant had given me notice, my custom was to go immediately to the door ; and after paying my respects, to take up the coach and two horses very carefully in my hands (for, if there were six horses, the postillion always unharnessed four), ajd place them on a table, where I had fixed a move- able rim quite round, of five inches high, to prevent accidents ; and I have often had four coaches and horses at once on my table, full of company, while I sat in my chair, leaning my face towards them ; and when I was engaged with one set, the coachmen would gently drive the others round my table. I have passed many an afternoon very agreeably in these conversations. But I defy the treasurer, or his two informers (I will name them, and let them make the best of it), Clustril and Drunlo, to prove that any per- son ever came to me incognito, except the secretary Reldresal, who was sent by express command of his imperial majesty, as I have before related. I should not have dwelt so long upon this particular, if it had not been a point wherein the reputation of a great lady is so nearly concerned, 1 to say nothing of my own ; though I then had the honour to be a nardac, which the treasurer himself is not ; for all the world knows that he is only a glumglum, a title inferior by one degree, as that of a marquis is to a duke in Eng- 1 The Dean probably alludes to the inquiries made into Boling- broke's intrigues by the Committee of 1715, and particularly thai which he was suspected of having formed with Madame Tencin. There are few passages in this work which can compete for grave and quiet humour with Gulliver's earnest defence of the lady's character. A VO/AGE TO LILLIPUT. 167 Inml ; yet I allow he preceded me in right of his post. These false informations, which I afterwards came to the knowledge of by an accident not propel to men- lion, made the treasurer show his lady for some time un ill countenance, and me a worse ; and although he was at last undeceived and reconciled to her, yet I lost all credit with him, and found my interest decline very fast with the emperor himself, who was, indeed, too much governed by that favourite. CHAPTER VII. The aulrw being informed of a design to accuse him of high-treason, make* bit escape to Blefuscu. His reception there. AN account of my leaving this kingdom may prop, erly be prefaced by some particulars of a private in- trigue which had been for two months forming against me. I had been hitherto, all my life, a stranger to courts, for which I was unqualified by the meanness of my condition. I had indeed heard and read enough of the dispositions of great princes and ministers ; but never expected to have found such terrible effects of them in so remote a country, governed, as I thought, by very different maxims from those in Europe. When I was just preparing to pay my attendance on the emperor of Blefuscu, a considerable person at court (to whom I had been very serviceable, at a time when he lay under the highest displeasure of his im- perial majesty), came to my house very privately at night, in a close chair, and, without sending his name, desired admittance. The chairmen were dismissed ; I put the chair, with his lordship in it, into my coat- pocket ; and giving orders to a trusty servant, to say I was indisposed and gone to sleep, I fastened the door of my house, placed the chair on the table, according to my usual custom, and sat down by it. After the oommon salutations were over, observing his lordship's A VOY.4GF TO LILLIPUT. 169 countenance full of concern, and inquiring into the reason, he desired " I would hear him with patience, in a matter that highly concerned my honour and my life." His speech was to the following effect, for I took notes of it as soon as he left me : " You are to know," said he, " that several com- mittees of council have been lately called, in the most private manner, on your account ; and it is but two* days since his majesty came to a full resolution. " You are very sensible that Skyresh Bolgolam (galbet, or high admiral) has been your mortal enemy, almost ever since your arrival. His original reasons I know not ; but his hatred is increased since your great success against Blefuscu, by which his glory as admiral is much obscured. This lord, in conjunction with Flimnap, the high treasurer, whose enmity against you is notorious on account of his la'dy, Lim- toe the general, Lalcon the chamberlain, and Balmuff the grand justiciary, have prepared articles of im. peachment against you, for treason and other capital crimes." This preface made me so impatient, being conscious of my own merits and innocence, that I was going to . interrupt him ; when he entreated me to be silent, and thus proceeded. " Out of gratitude for the favours you have dono me, I procured information of the whole proceedings, and a copy of the articles ;' wherein I venture my head for your service. 1 These articles are designed to ridicule the articles of impend*- meat against Oxford, Ormond, and Bolingbioke, in 1715. 15 i70 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. ARTICLES OP IMPEACHMENT AGAINST (1UINBUS FLESTRIN, THE MAN-MOUNTAIN. ART. I. { WHEREAS, by a statute made in the reign of his au- perial majesty Calin Deffar Plune, it is enacted, thai whosoever shall make water within the precincts of the royal palace, shall be liable to the pains and penalties of high-treason ; notwithstanding, the said Quinbus Flestrin, in open breach of the said law. under colour of extinguishing the fire kindled in the apartment of hia majesty's most dear imperial consort, did maliciously, traitorously, and devilishly, by discharge of his urine, put out the said fire kindled in the said apartment, lying and being within the precincts of the said royal palace, against the statute in that case provided, etc., against the duty, etc. There are many who believed, that in consequence of tho numerous victories obtained by the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, it would have been possible for the Allies to have inarched to Paris, and compelled Louis XIV. to purchase peaco by the sacrifice of a large portion of his dominion. Swift so far yields to popular prejudice as not to contest the possibility of such an exploit (here typified by the complete conquest of Ble- fuscu) ; he takes the higher ground of national justice, and in- sinuates that if the Allies had violated the integrity of France, they would have been guilty of the very crime which furnished n pretext lor their inveterate hostility to Louis XIV. The frivo- lous and vexatious character of some of the articles of Gulliver's impeachment is scarcely an exaggeration of the trivial nature ol many of the charges brought against Queen Anne's last cabinet fey the Walpole administration. A VOYAGE TO LliLIPUT. 171 . ' That the said Q,uinbus Flestrin having brought the imperial fleet of Blefuscu into the royal port, and being afterwards commanded by his imperial majesty to seize all the other ships of the said empire of Blefuscu, and reduce that empire to a province, to be governed by a viceroy from hence, and to destroy and put to death not only all the Big-endian exiles, but likewise all the peo- ple of that empire who would not immediately forsake the Big-endian heresy; he, the said Flestrin, like a false traitor against his most auspicious, serene, impe- rial majesty, did petition to be excused from the said service, upon pretence of unwillingness to force the con- sciences, or destroy the liberties and lives of an inno- cent people. 1 ' That whereas certain ambassadors arrived from the eaurt of Blefuscu, to sue for peace in his majesty's court; he, the said Flestrin, did, like a false traitor, aid, abet, comfort, and divert the said ambassadors, although he knew them to be servants of a prince who was lately an open enemy to his imperial majesty, and in an open war against his said majesty. That the said duinbus Flestrin, contrary to the duty of a faithful subject, is now preparing to make a voy- age to the court and empire of Blefuscu, for which he 1 A lawyer thinks himself honest, if he does the best he can for his client ; and a statesman, if he promotes the interests of hia country : but the Dean here inculcates a higher notion of right and wrong, and obligations to a larger community. Hateftt- worth. 172 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. has received only verbal license from his imperm majesty, and, under colour of the said license, does falsely and traitorously intend to take the said voyage, and thereby to aid, comfort, and abet the emperor of Blefuscu, so lately an enemy, and in open war with his imperial majesty aforesaid.' " There are some other articles ; but these are the most important, of which I have read you an ab- stract. " In the several debates upon this impeachment, '*. must be confessed that his majesty gave many mark of his great lenity ; often urging the services you had done him, and endeavouring to extenuate your crimes. The treasurer and admiral insisted that you should be put to the most painful and ignominious death, by set- ting fire to your house at night ; and the general was to attend with twenty thousand men, armed with poi- soned arrows, to shoot you on the face and hands. Some of your servants were to have private orders to strew a poisonous juice on your shirts and sheets, which would soon make you tear your own flesh, and die in the utmost torture. The general came into the same opinion ; so that for a long time there was a majority against you ; but his majesty resolving, if possible, to spare your life, at last brought off the chamberlain. " Upon this incident, Reldresal, principal secretary for private affairs, who always approved himself your true friend, was commanded by the emperor to deliver his opinion, which he accordingly did ; and therein justified the good thoughts you have of him. He al A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 173 lowed your crimes to be great, Dut that still there wa room for mercy, the most commendable virtue in a prince, and for which his majesty was so justly celebra- ted. He said, the friendship between you and him was so well known to the world, that perhaps the most hon- ourable board might think him partial : however, in obedience to the command he had received, he woulJ freely offer his sentiments. That if his majesty, in consideration of your services, and pursuant to his own merciful disposition, would please to spare your life, and only give orders to put out both of your eyes, he humbly conceived that, by this expedient, justice might in some measure be satisfied, and all the world would applaud the lenity of the emperor, as well as the fair and generous proceedings of those who have the honour to be his counsellors. That the loss of your eyes would be no impediment to your bodily strength, by which you might still be useful to his majesty : that blindness is an addition to courage, by concealing dangers from us : that the fear you had for your eyes, was the greatest difficulty in bringing over the enemy's fleet ; and it would be sufficient for you to see by the eyes of the ministers, since the greatest princes do no more. 1 1 The pretended merciful counsel of Reldresal, who proposed a commutation of punishment, which, however, was worse than death, appears to be a satire on those whigs who proposed that the Earl of Oxford and Lord Bolingbroke, instead of being impeached for high treason, and thus brought in peril of life, should orjly be accused of high misdemeanors, which would justify their being deprived of title and estate, and sentenced to civil death. 15* /74 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. " This proposal was received with the utmost dis approbation by the whole board. Bolgolam, the ad- miral, could not preserve his temper ; but rising up in a fury, said, he wondered how the secretary durst presume to give his opinion for preserving the life of a traitor : that the services you had performed were, by all true reasons of state, the grea. aggravation of your crimes ; that you, who was able to extinguish the fire by discharge of urine in her majesty's apart- ment (which he mentioned with horror), might, at an- other time, raise an inundation by the same means, to drown the whole palace ; and the same strength which enabled you to bring over the enemy's fleet, might serve, upon the first discontent, to carry it back : that he had good reason to think you were a Big-endian in your heart ; and, as treason begins in the heart before it appears in overt acts, so he accused you as a traitor on that account, and therefore insisted you should be put to death. " The treasurer was of the same opinion : he show- ed to what straits his majesty's revenue was reduced, by the charge of maintaining you, which would soon grow insupportable : that the secretary's expedient of putting out your eyes, was so far from being a reme- dy against this evil, that it would probably increase it, as is manifest from the common practice of blinding some kind of fowls, after which they fed the faster and grew sooner fat ; that his sacred majesty and the council, who are your judges, were, in their own consciences, fully convinced of your guilt, which was A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 175 a sufficient argument to condemn you to death with- out the formal proofs required by the strict letter of the law. 1 " But his imperial majesty, fully determined against capital punishment, was graciously pleased to say, that since the council thought the loss of your eyes too easy a censure, some other may be inflicted here- after.* And your friend the secretary, humbly desir- ing to be heard again, in answer to what the treasurer had objected, concerning the great charge his majesty was at in maintaining you, said, that his excellency, who had the sole disposal of the emperor's revenue, might easily provide against that evil, by gradually les- sening your establishment ; by which, for want of suffi- cient food, you will grow weak and faint, and lose your appetite, and consume in a few months ; neither would the stench of your carcass be then so danger- 1 There is something so odious in whatever is wrong, that even those whom it does not subject to punishment, endeavour to colour it with an appearance of right ; but the attempt is always unsuccessful, and only betrays a consciousness of deformity by showing a desire to hide it. Thus the Lilliputian court pre- tended a right to dispense with the strict letter of the law to put Gulliver to death, though by the strict letter of the law only he could be convicted of a crime ; the intention of the statute not being to suffer the palace rather to be burnt than so to be ex- tinguished. Hauksworth. 2 This appears to be directed against the partial pardon which was granted to Lord Bolingbroke. George I. could never be per- suaded to restore him to his rights as a peer, though Boling- broke bribed the Duchess of Kendal to use her powerful inter- cession, and actually induced her to place his memorial in tha king's own hand. 176 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. ous, when it should become more than half diminished ; and immediately upon your death, five or six thousand of his majesty's subjects might, in two or three days, cut your flesh from your bones, take it away by cart- loads, and bury it in distant parts, to prevent infection, leaving the skeleton as a monument of admiration to posterity. " Thus by the great friendship of the secretary, the whole affair was compromised. It was strictly enjoin- ed, that the project of starving you by degrees should be kept a secret ; but the sentence of putting out your eyes was entered on the books ; none dissenting, except Bolgolam, the admiral, who, be ng a creature of the em- press, was perpetually instigated by her majesty to in sist upon your death, she having borne perpetual malice against you, on account of that infamous and illegal method you took to extinguish the fire in her apartment. " In three days your friend the secretary will be directed to come to your house, and read before you the articles of impeachment ; and then to signify the great lenity and favour of his majesty and council, whereby you are only condemned to the loss of your eyes, which his majesty does not question you will gratefully and humbly submit to ; and twenty of his majesty's surgeons will attend, in order to see the operation well performed, by discharging very sharp- pointed arrows into the balls of your eyes, as you lie on the ground. " I leave to your prudence what measures you wil] ake ; and to avoid suspicion, I must immediately re turn in as private a manner as I came." A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 177 His lordship did so; and I remained alone, under many doubts and perplexities of mind. It was a custom introduced by this prince and his ministry (very different, as I have been assured, from the practice of former times), that after the court had decreed any cruel execution, either to gratify the mon- arch's resentment, or the malice of a favourite, the emperor always made a speech to his whole council, expressing his great lenity and tenderness as qualities known and confessed by all the world. This speech was immediately published throughout the kingdom ; l nor did any thing terrify the people so much, as those encomiums on his majesty's mercy ; because it was observed, that the more these praises were enlarged and insisted on, the more inhuman was the punish- ment, and the sufferer more innocent. Yet as to my- self, I must confess, having never been designed for a courtier, either by my birth or education, I was so ill a judge of things, that I could not discover the leni- ty and favour of this sentence, but conceived it (per- haps erroneously) rather to be rigorous than gentle. I sometimes thought of standing my trial ; for, although I could not deny the facts alleged in the several arti- cles, yet I hoped they would admit of some extenua- tion. But having in my life perused many state trials, which I ever observed to terminate as the judges 1 Sir Walter Scott supposes that a sarcasm is intended hert against the royal proclamations issued after the rebellion of 1715, but Swift more probably alludes to the king's speech at the open- ing of parliament, October llth, 1722, wherein he informed both Houses of the conspiracy to restore the Pretender, in which Atterbury was involved. 178 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. thought fit lo direct, I durst not rely on so dangerous a decision, in so critical a juncture, and against such powerful enemies. Once, I was strongly bent upon resistance : for, while I had liberty, the whole strength of that empire could hardly subdue me, and 1 might easily with stones pelt the metropolis to pieces ; but I soon rejected that project with horror, by remember, ing the oath I had made to the emperor, the favours I received from him, and the high title of nardac he conferred upon me. Neither had I so soon learned the gratitude of courtiers, to persuade myself that his majesty's present severities acquitted me of all past obligations. 1 At last I fixed upon a resolution, for which it is probable I may incur some censure, and not unjustly ; for I confess I owe the preserving of mine eyes, and consequently my liberty, to my own great rashness and. want of experience; because, if I had then known the nature of princes and ministers, which I have since observed in man} other courts, and their methods of treating criminals less obnoxious than my self, I should, with great alacrity and readiness, have 1 Gulliver's defence of himself for escaping to Blcfuscu is a covert apology for Bolingbroke's flight to France in 1715 ; a cir- cumstance which was frequently quoted as decisive proof of his guilt, and censured as an act of imprudence by many who believed in his innocence. The Dean insinuates that it was like that of Gulliver, rendered necessary by the malice of the ministers of the day ; and it must be confessed that the mode in which the arti- cles of impeachment were urged forward, gave too much reason to believe that Bolingbroke's death was pre-determined by his accusers A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 179 submitted to so easy a punishment. 1 But hurried on by the precipitancy of youth, and having his imperial majesty's license to pay my attendance upon the em- peror of Blefuscu, I took this opportunity, before the three days were elapsed, to send a letter to my friend the secretary, signifying my resolution of setting out that morning for Blefuscu, pursuant to the leave I had got ; and, without waiting for an answer, I went to that side of the island where our fleet lay. I seized a large man-of-war, tied a cable to the prow, and lift, ing up the anchors, I stripped myself, put my clothes (together with my coverlet, which I carried under my arm) into the vessel, and drawing it after me, between wading and swimming, arrived at the royal port of Blefuscu, where the people had long expected me ; they lent me two guides to direct me to the capital city, which is of the same name. I held them in my hands, till I came within two hundred yards of the gate, and desired them " to signify my arrival to one of the secretaries, and let him know I there waited his majesty's command." I had an answer in about an hour, " that his majesty, attended by the royal family, and great officers of the court, was coming out to receive me." I advanced a hundred yards. 2 This bitter stroke of irony is directed against the acts of par- liament by which Ormond, Bolingbroke, and the Bishop oi Ro- chester, were attainted. Swift gave rather a perilous proof of hia belief in the innocence of the Duke of Ormond, when, after that nobleman's attainder, the heralds from the Irish College of Amu went to remove his escutcheon from St. Patrick's Cathedral, Swif v . refused them admittance, and persevered in keeping the iuke's coat of arms in its ancient place of honour. 180 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. The emperor and his train alighted from their horses, the empress and ladies from their coaches, and I did not perceive they were in any fright or concern. 1 lay on the ground to kiss his majesty's and the em- press's hands. I told his majesty, " that I was come according to my promise, and with the license of the emperor my master, to have the honour of seeing so mighty a monarch, and to offer him any service in my power, consistent with my duty to my own prince ;" not mentioning a word of my disgrace, because I had hitherto no regular information of it, and might sup- pose myself wholly ignorant of any such design ; neither could I reasonably conceive that the emperor would discover the secret, while I was out of his power ; wherein, however, it soon appeared I was deceived. I shall not trouble the reader with the particular account of my reception at this court, which was suitable to the generosity of so great a prince ; nor of the difficulties I was in for want of a house and bed, being forced to lie on the ground, wrapped up in my coverlet. 1 1 The author probably alludes to the severe hardships endured by many of the Jacobite exiles in France. CHAPTER VIII. fbe author, by a lucky accident, finds means to leave Blefuscu ; and, aSterMMM difficulties, returns safe to his native country. THREE days after my arrival, walking out of curi- osity to the north-east coast of the island, I observed, about half a league off in the sea, somewhat that looked like a boat overturned. I pulled off my shoes and stockings, and wading two or three hundred yards, I found the object to approach nearer by force of the tide ; and then plainly saw it to be a real boat, which I supposed might by some tempest have been driven from a ship ; whereupon I returned immediately towards the city, and desired his imperial majesty to lend me twenty of the tallest vessels he had left, after the loss of his fleet, and three thousand seamen, under the command of his vice-admiral. This fleet sailed round, while I went back the shortest way to the coast, where I first discovered the boat. I found the tide had driven it still nearer. The seamen were all pro- vided with cordage, which I had beforehand twisted to a sufficient strength. When the ships came up, I stripped myself, and waded till I came within a hun, dred yards of the boat, after which I was forced tc swim till I got up to it. The seamen threw me the 16 182 GULIIVEE'S TRAVELS. end of the cord, which I fastened to a hole in the forepart of \he boat, and the other end to a man-of-war ; but I found all my labour to little purpose ; for, being out of my depth, I was not able to work. In this ne- cessity I was forced to swim behind, and push the boat forward, as often as I could, with one of my hands ; and the tide favouring me, I advanced so far that I could just hold up my chin and feel the ground. I rested two or three minutes, and then gave the boat another shove, and so on, till the sea was no higher than my arm-pits ; and now the most laborious pai t being over, I took out my other cables, which were stowed in one of the ships, and fastened them first to the boat, and then to nine of the vessels which at- tended me , the wind being favourable, the seamen towed, and I shoved, until we arrived within forty yards of the shore, and waiting till the tide was out, 1 got dry to the boat, and by the assistance of two thou- sand men with ropes and engines, I made, a shift to turn it on its bottom, and found it was but little dam- aged. I shall not trouble the reader with the difficulties I was under, by the help of certain paddles, which cost me ten days making, to get my boat to the royal port of Blefuscu, where a mighty concourse of people ap- peared upon my arrival, full of wonder at the sight of so prodigious a vessel. I told the emperor " that my good fortune had thrown this boat in my way, to carry me to some place whence I might return into my native country ; and begged his majesty's orBers for getting materials to fit it up ; together with his license A VOYAGE TO LILLIPUT. 183 Lo depart;" which, after some kind expostulations, he was pleased to grant. I did very much wonder, in all this time, not to have heard 1 of any express relating to me from our emperor to the court of Blefuscu. But I was after- wards given privately to understand, ihat his imperial majesty, never imagining I had the least notice of his designs, believed I was only gone to Blefuscu in per- formance of my promise, according to the license he had given me, which was well known at our court, and would return in a few days, when the ceremony was ended. But he was at last in pain at my long absence ; and after consulting with the treasurer and the rest of that cabal, a person of quality was dis- patched with a copy of the articles against me. This envoy had instructions to represent to the monarch of Blefuscu " the great lenity of his master, who was content to punish me no farther than with the loss of mine eyes; that I had fled from justice ; and if I did not return in two hours, I should be deprived of my title of nardac, and declared a traitor." The envoy farther added, " that in order to maintain the peace and amity between both empires, his master expected, that his brother of Blefuscu would give orders tc have me sent back to Lilliput, bound hand and foot, to be punished as a traitor." 2 1 ' I did very much wonder not to have heard,' etc. This sen- tence is ungrammatical ; it should have been, 'I did very much wonder, in all this tkue, at not having heard of any express," etc, Sheridan. 8 This embassy from L''liput is designed to satirize the fre 184 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. The emperor of Blefuscu, having taken three days to consult, returned an answer consisting of many civilities and excuses. He said, " that, as for sending me bound, his brother knew it was impossible ; that altviough I had deprived him of his fleet, yet he owed great obligations to me for many good offices I had done him in making peace. That, however, both their majesties would soon be made easy ; for I had found a prodigious vessel on the shore, able to carry me on the sea, which he had given orders to fit up, with my own assistance and direction ; and he hoped, in a few weeks, both empires would be freed from so insupport- able an incumbrance." With this answer the envoy returned to Lilliput, and the monarch of Blefuscu related to me all that had passed ; offering me at the same time (but under the strictest confidence) his gracious protection, if I would continue in his service ; wherein although I believed him sincere, yet I resolved never more to put any confidence in princes or ministers, where I could possibly avoid it , ana therefore, with all due ac- knowledgments for his favourable intentions, I humbly begged to be excused. I told him, that "since fortune, whether good or evil, had thrown a vessel in my way, I was resolved to venture myself on the ocean, rather than be an occasion of difference between two such mighty monarchs." Neither did I find the emperoi at all displeased ; and I discovered, by a certain ac quent remonstrances made to the French court by the English ministers in consequence of the protection granted to the Jaco- bitea. A VOYAGE TO L1LUPTJT. 185 cident, that he was very glad of my resolution, and so were most of his ministers. 1 These considerations moved me to hasten my depar- ture somewhat sooner than I intended to which the court, impatient to have me gone, very readily con- tributed. Five hundred workmen were employed to make two sails to my boat, according to my directions, by quilting thirteen folds of their strongest linen to- gether. I was at the pains of making ropes and cables, by twisting ten, twenty, or thirty, of the thickest and strongest of theirs. A great stone that I happened to find, after a long search, by the sea-shore, served me for an anchor. I had the tallow of three hundred cows, for greasing my boat, and other uses. I was at incredible pains in cutting down some of the largest 'This irony is directed against the jealousy with which Bol- ingbroke, during his exile, was regarded by the French minis- ters. His restless spirit of intrigue rendered him scarcely less formidable at Versailles than he had been at St. James's . Dur- ing his exile, Bolingbroke entered into the Pretender's service, but soon quarrelled with his master, and was formally attainted at the mock court of St. James's. It was a singular fortune to be secretary to and attainted by both governments. Swift has in- variably eulogized Bolingbroke as a pure patriot ; but he was far from deserving that character. " His life," says a recent wri- ter, " was chiefly spent in retirement, and though not nighly exemplary of practical wisdom, he was looked up to with oracu- lar veneration by contemporary wits and politicians. He was a fine speaker and highly accomplished man ; of great energy and decision of character ; but unscrupulous, and lacked the integrity of principle and singleness of purpose which inspire confidence and lead to unquestioned excellence. He was ambitious, envi- ous of superiority, resentful; lax in morals a partisan in politics and an infidel in religion. 16* 186 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. timber trees for oars and masts, wherein I was, how. ever, much assisted by his majesty's ship-earpentera, who helped me in smoothing them, after I had done the rough work. In about a month, when all was prepared, I sent to receive his majesty's commands, and to take my leave. The emperor and royal family came out of the palace ; I lay down on my face to kiss his hand, which he very graciously gave me ; so did the empress and young princes of the blood. His majesty presented me with fifty purses of two hundred sprugs apiece, together with his picture at full length, which I put immediate- ly into one of my gloves, to keep it from being hurt. The ceremonies at my departure were too many te trouble the reader with at this time. A VO1 LGE TO LILLIPUT. 187 I t,tored the boat with the carcasses of a hundred oxeii and three hundred sheep, with bread and drink "proportionable, and as much meat ready-dressed as four hundred cooks could provide. I took with me six cows and two bulls alive, with as many ewes and rams, intending to carry them into my own country, and propagate the breed ; and to feed them on board, I had a, good bundle of hay, and a bag of corn. I would gladly have taken a dozen of the natives, but this was a thing th<$ emperor would by no means per- mit ; and besides a diligent search into my pockets, his majesty engaged my honour " not to carry away any of his subjects, although with their own consent and desire." Having thus prepared all things as well as I was able, I set sail, on the twenty-fourth day of September 1701, at six in the morning ; and when I had gone about four leagues to the northward, the wind being at south-east, at six in the evening, I descried a small island, about half a league to the north-west. I ad- vanced forward, and cast anchor on the lee side of the island, which seemed to be uninhabited. I then took some refreshment, and went to my rest. I slept well, and as I conjecture at least six hours, for I found the day broke in two hours after I awaked. It was a clear night. I ate my breakfast before the sun was up ; and heaving anchor, the wind being favourable, I steered the same course that I had done the day be- fore, wherein I was directed by my pocket-compass. My intention was to reach, if possible, one of those islands which I had reason to believe lay to the north 188 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. east of Van Diemen's Land. I discovered nothing all that day; but upon the next, about three in the afternoon, when I had, by my computation, made twenty-four leagues from Blefuscu, 1 descried a sail steering to the south-east ; my course was due east. I hailed her*; but could get no answer; yet I found 1 gained upon her, for the wind slackened. I made all the sail I could, and in half an hour she spied me, then hung out her ancient, and discharged a gun. It is not easy to express the joy I was in, upon the un- exp'ected hope of once more seeing my beloved country, and the dear pledges I left in it. The ship slackened her sails, and I came up with her between five and six in the evening, September 26 ; but my heart leaped within me to see her English colours. I put my cows and sheep into my coat-pockets, and got on board with all my little cargo of provisions. The vessel was an English merchantman, retuining from Japan by the North and South Seas ; the captain, Mr. John Biddel of Deptford, a very civil man and an excellent sailor. We were now in the latitude of 30 degrees south ; there were about fifty men in the ship ; and here I met an old comrade of mine, one Peter Williams, who gave me a good character to the captain. This gentleman treated me with kindness, and desired I would let him know what place I came from last, and whither I was bound ; which I did in a few words, but he thought I was raving, and that the dangers I had underwent 1 had disturbed my head ; whereupon I took my black cattle and sheep out of 1 "I underwent," is not English ; it should haye been " I ha I vas placed upon a table in the largest roomol h inn, which might be near three hundred feet square. My little nurse stood on a low stool close to the table, to take care of me, and direct what I should do. My master, to avoid a crowd, would suffer only thirty peo. pie at a time to see me. I walked about on the table as the girl commanded : she asked me questions, as far as she knew my understanding of the language reached, and I answered them as loud as I could. I turned about several times to the company, paid my humble respects, said they were welcome, and used some other speeches I had been taught. I took up a thirnble filled with liquor, which Glumdalclitch had given me for a cup, and drank their health. I drew out my hanger, and flourished with it after the manner of fencers in England. My nurse gave me a part of a straw, which I exercised as a pike, having learnt the art in my youth. I was that day shown to twelve sets of company, and as often forced to act over again the same fopperies, till I was half dead with weariness and vexation ; for those who had seen me made such, wonderful reports, that the people were ready to break down the doors to come ii.. 1 My master, for his own interest, would not suffer any one to touch me except 1 The passion for shows and sight-seeing was never at a greater height in England than during the reign of George I. ; and the wags of the day derived great amusement from practising on the credulity of the people. Immense crowds assembled to see a man creep intc a quart bottle, and when they discovered that they had been deceived, were near destroying the house in their rage. Swift's works contain several amusing parodies of the puffing placards in which these exhibitions were announced. . A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 223 my nurse ; and to prevent danger, benches were set round the table at such a distance as to put me out of everybody's reach. However, an unlucky school-boy aimed a hazel-nut directly at my head, which very narrowly missed me ; otherwise it came with so much violence, that it would have infallibly knocked out my brains, for it was almost as large as a small pumpion; but I had the satisfaction to see the young rogue well beaten, and turned out of the room. My master gave public notice that he would show me again the next market-day ; and in the mean time he prepared a more convenient vehicle for me, which he had reason enough to do ; for I was so tired with my first journey, and with entertaining company for eight hours together, that I could hardly stand upon my legs, or speak a word. It was at least three days before I recovered my strength ; and that I might have no rest at home, all the neighbouring gentlemen from a hundred miles round, hearing of my fame, came to see me at my master's own house. There could not be fewer than thirty persons, with their wives and children (for the country is very populous) ; and my master demanded the rate of a full room whenever he showed me at home, although it were only to a single family ; so that for some time, I had but little ease every day of the week (except Wednesday, which is their Sabbath), although I was not carried to the town. My master finding how profitable I was likely to be, resolved to carry me to the most considerable cities of th< kingdom. Having, therefore, provided himself 224 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. with all things necessary. for a long journey, and set. tied his affairs at home, he look leave of his wife, and upon the 17th of August, 1703, about two months after my arrival, we set out for the metropolis, situate near the middle of that empire, and about three thou- sand miles' distance from our house. My master made his daughter Glumdalclitch ride behind him. She carried me on her lap, in a box tied about her waist. The girl had lined it on all sides with the softest cloth she could get, well quilted underneath, furnished it with her baby's bed, provided me witn linen and other necessaries, and made every thing as convenient as she could. We had no other company but a boy of the house, who rode after us with the luggage. My master's design was to show me in all the towns by the way, and to step out of the road, for fifty or a hundred miles, to any village or person of quality's house, where he might expect custom. We made easy journeys, of not above seven or eight score miles a-day; for Glumdalclitch, on purpose to spare me, complained she was tired with the trotting of the horse. She often took me out of my box, at my own desire, to give me air, and show me the country, but always held me fast by a leading-string. We passed over five or six rivers, many degrees broader and deeper than the Nile or the Ganges ; and there was hardly a rivulet so small as the Thames at London Bridge. We were ten weeks in our journey, and I was shown. in eighteen large towns, besides many villagesj and private families. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 225 On the 26th day of October we arrived at the me- tropolis, called in their language Lorbrulgrud, or Pride of the Universe. My master took a lodging in the principal street of the city, not far from the royal palace, and put out bills in the usual form, containing an exact description of my person and parts. He hired a large room between three and four hundred feet wide. He provided a table sixty feet in diameter, upon which I was to act my part, and palisadoed it round three feet from the edge, and as many high, to prevent my falling over. I was shown ten times a-day, to the wonder and satisfaction of all people. I could now speak the language tolerably well, and perfectly understood every word that was spoken to me. Besides, I had learnt their alphabet, and could make shift to explain a sentence here and there ; for Glumdalclitch had been my instructor while we were at home, and at leisure hours during our journey. She carried a little book in her pocket, not much larger than a Sanson's Atlas ; it was a common trea- tise for the use of young girls, giving a short account of their religion ; out of this she taught me my letters, and n.terpreted the words. CHAPTER III. The author seat for to court The queen buys him of his maste: the furmat, tn presents him to the king He disputes with his majesty's great scholars n apartment at court provided for the author He is in high favour with the queen He stands up for the honour of his own country His quarrels with the queen's dwarf. LABOURS such as I underwent every day, made, in "^ few weeks, a very considerable change in my health ; the more my master got by me the more insatiable he grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and was almost reduced to a skeleton. The farmer observed it, and concluding I must soon die, resolved to make as good a hand of me as he could. While he was thus rea- soning and resolving with himself, a sardral, or gen- tleman-usher, came from court, commanding my mas- ter to carry me immediately thither for the diversion of the queen and her ladies. Some of the latter had already been to see me, and reported strange things of my beauty, behaviour, and good senSe. Her ma- jesty, and those who attended her, were beyond measure delighted with my demeanour. I fell on my knees, and begged the honour of kissing her imperial foot ; but this gracious princess held out her little finger towards me, after I was set on the table, which I embraced in both my arms, and put the tip of it A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 227 with" the utmost respect to my lip. She made me some general questions about my country and my travels, which I answered as distinctly, and in as few words as I could. She asked " whether I would be contentto live at court ?" I bowed down to the board of the table, and humbly answered, "that I was my master's slave ; but if I were at my own disposal, I should be proud to devote my life to her majesty's service." She then asked my master, " whether he was willing to sell me at a good price ?" He, who apprehended I could not live a month, was ready enough to part with me, and demanded a thousand pieces of gold, which were ordered him on the spot, each piece being about the bigness of eight hundred moidores ; but allowing for the proportion of all things between that country and Europe, and the high price of gold among them, was hardly so great a sum as a thousand guineas would be in England. I then said to the queen, " since I was now her majesty's most humble creature and vassal, I must beg the favour that Glumdalclitch, who had always tended me with so much care and kindness, and understood to do it so well, might be admitted into her service, and con- tinue to be my nurse and instructor." Her majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the farmer's consent, who was glad enough to have *iis daughter preferred at court, and the poor girl her- self was not able to hide her joy. My late master withdrew, bidding me farewell, and saying he h_ad left me in a good service ; to which I replied not a word, only making him a slight bow. 22S GULLIVER S TRAVELS. The queen observed my coldness, and, when iha farmer was gone out of the apartment, asked me the reason. I made bold to tell her majesty, " that I owed no other obligation to my late master, than his no dashing out the brains of a poor harmless creature found by chance in his fields, which obligation wa amply recompensed by the gain he had made in show ing me through half the kingdom, and the price h* had now sold me for. That the life I had since led, was laborious enough to kill an animal of ten times my strength. That my health was much impaired by the continual drudgery of entertaining the rabble every hour of the day ; and that, if my master had not thought my life in danger, her majesty would not have got so cheap a bargain. But as I was out of all fear of being ill-treated, under the protection of so great and good an empress, the ornament of nature, the darling of the world, the delight of her subjects, the phoenix of the creation ; so, I hoped my late master's apprehensions would appear to be groundless ; for I already found my spirits revive, by the influence of her most august presence." This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great improprieties and hesitation. The latter part was altogether framed in the style peculiar to that people, whereof I learned some phrases from Glum- dalclitch, while she was carrying me to court. The queen, giving great allowance for my defec- tiveness in speaking, was, however, surprised at so much wit and good sense in so diminutive an animal. She took me in her own hand, and carried me to the A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. '229 .iing, who was then retired to his cabinet. His ma- jesty, a prince of much gravity and austere counte- nance, not observing my shape at first view, asked the queen, aftr a cold manner, "how long it was since she grew fond of a splacnuck ?" for such it seems he took me to be, as I lay upon my breast in her majes- ty's hand. But this princess, who has an infinite deal of wit and humour, set me gently on my feet upon the scrutoire, and commanded me to give his majesty an account of myself, which I did in a very few words, and Glumdalclitch, who attended at the cabinet door, and could not endure I should be out of her sight, being admitted, confirmed all that had passed from my arrival at her father's house. The king, although he be as learned a person as any in his dominions, had been educated in the study of philosophy, and particularly mathematics ; yet when he observed my shape exactly, and saw me walk erect, before I began to speak, conceived I might be a piece of clock-work (which is in that country arrived to a very great perfection) contrived by some ingenious artist. But when he heard my voice, and found what I delivered to be regular and rational, he could not conceal his astonishment. He was by no means satisfied with the relation I gave him of the manner I came into his kingdom, but thought it a story concerted between Glumdalclitch and her father, who had taught me a set of words to make me sell at a better price. Upon this imagination, he put several other questions to me, and still received rational answers, no otherwise defective than by a foreign ac- 20 230 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. cent, and an imperfect knowledge iii the language, with some rustic phrases which I had learned at the farmer's house, and did not suit the polite style of a court. His majesty sent for three great scholars, who were then in the weekly waiting, according to the custom of that country. These gentlemen, after they had awhile examined my shape with much nicety, were of different opinions concerning me. They all agreed that I could not be produced according to the regular laws of nature, because I was not framed with a capacity of preserving my life, either by swiftness, or climbing of trees, or digging holes in the earth. They observed by my teeth, which they viewed with great exactness, that I was a carnivorous animal ; yet most quadrupeds being an overmatch for me, and field mice, with some others, too nimble, they could not imagine how I should be able to support myself, un- less I fed upon snails and other insects ; which they offered, by many learned arguments, 1 to evince that I could not possibly do. One of these virtuosi seemed to think that [ might be an embryo, or abortive birth. But this opinion was rejected by the other two, who observed my limbs to be perfect and finished, and that I had lived several years, as it was manifest from my beard, the stumps whereof they plainly discovered 1 By this reasoning the author probably intended to ridicule the pride of those philosophers, who have thought fit to arraign the wisdom of Providence in the creation and government of the world ; whose cavils are specious, like those of the Brobdingnagian ages, only in proportion to the ignorance of those to whom they are proposed. ffawkemorth . A VOYAGE TO BROBPINGNAG. 231 through a magnifying-glass. They would not allow me to be a dwarf, because my littleness was beyond , all degrees of comparison ; for the queen's favourite dwarf, the smallest ever known in that kingdom, was near thirty feet high. After much debate, they con- cluded unanimously, that I was only relplum scal- clath, which is interpreted literally lusus natures; a determination exactly agreeable to the modern philoso- phy of Europe, whose professors, disdaining the old evasion of occult causes, whereby the followers of Aristotle endeavoured in vain to disguise their ignor- ance, hav8 invented this wonderful solution of all difficulties, to the unspeakable advancement of human knowledge. After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard a word or two. I applied myself to the king, and assured his majesty, " that I came from a country which abounded with several millions of both sexes, and of my own stature ; where the animals, trees, and houses, were all in proportion, and where, by consequence, I might be as able to defend myself, and to find sustenance, as any of his majesty's subjects could Jo here ; which I took for a full answer to those gentlemen's arguments." To this they only replied with a smile of contempt, saying, " that the farmer had instructed me very well in my lesson," 1 The king, who had a much better understanding, 1 This satire is levelled against all who reject those facts for which they cannot perfectly account, notwithstanding the ab- surdity of rejecting the testimony by which they are supported. Hawkesworth. 232 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. dismissing his learned men, sent for the farmer, who by good fortune was not yet gone ou^ of town. 1 Having, therefore, first examined him privately, and then confronted him with me and the young girl, his majesty began to think that what we told him might possibly be true. He desired the queen to order that a particular care should be taken of me ; and was of opinion that GlumdalcLitch should still continue in her office of tending me, because he observed we had a great affection for each other. A convenient apart- ment was provided for her at court ; she had a sort of governess appointed to take care of her"education, a maid to dress her, and two other servants for menial offices ; but the care of me was wholly appropriated to herself. The queen commanded her own cabinet- maker to contrive a box, that might serve me for a bed-chamber, after the model that GlunvJalclitch and I should agree upon. This man was a most in- genious artist, and according to my direction, in three weeks, finished for me a wooden chamber of sixteen feet square, and twelve high, with sash windows, a door and two closets, like a London bed-chamber. The board, that made the ceiling, was to be lifted up and down by two hinges, to put in a bed ready furnished by her majesty's upholsterer, which Glum- 1 Sir Walter Scott thinks that Swift has designedly introduced some traits of William III.'s character in the sketch of the king of Brobdingnag ; but if any thing more than the ideal of a patriot monarch is designed, it is probable that the Dean had an eye to the Prince of Wales, afterwards George II.. from whom the lories bad formed favourable anticipations. A VOYAGE TO BKOBD1NGNAG. 233 dalclitch took out every day to air, made it with her own hands, and letting it down at night, locked up the roof over me. A nice workman, who was famous for little curiosities, undertook to make me two chairs, with backs and frames, of a substance not unlike ivory, and two tables, with a cabinet to put my things in. The room was quilted on all sides, as well as the floor and the ceiling, to prevent any accident from the carelessness of those who carried me, and to break the force of a jolt, when I went in a coach. I desired a lock for my door, to prevent rats and mice from coming in. The smith, after several attempts, made ihe smallest that ever was seen among them, for I 234 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. have known a larger at the gate of a gentleman's house in England. 1 I made a shift to keep the key in a pocket of my own, fearing Glumdalclitch might lose it. The queen likewise ordered the thinnest silks that could be gotten, to make me clothes, not much thicker than an English blanket, very cumber^ some till I was accustomed to them. They were after the fashion of the kingdom, partly resembling the Persian, and partly the Chinese, and are a very grave and decent habit. The queen became so fond of my company, that she could not dine without me. 1 had a table placed upon trie same at which her majesty eat, just at her elbow, and a chair to sit on. Glumdalclitch stood on a stool on the floor near my table, to assist and take care of me. I had an entire set of silver dishes and plates, and other necessaries, which, m proportion to those of the queen, were not much bigger than what I have seen in a London toy-shop^ for the furniture of a baby-house : these my little nurse kept in her pocket in a silver box, and gave me at meals as I wanted them, always cleaning then, herself. No person dined with the queen but the twt princesses royal, the elder sixteen years old, and the younger at that time thirteen and a month. Her majesty used to put a bit of meat ijpon one of my dishes, out of which I carved for myself, and her diversion was to see me eat in miniature ; for the i Swift's frequent references to proportions, both here and in the Voyage to Lilliput, give an air of probability to his story Which none of his imitators have been able to attain. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 235 queen (who had indeed but a weak stomach) took up, at one mouthful, as much as a dozen English farmers could eat at a meal, which to me was for some time a very nauseous sight. She would craunch the wing of a lark, bones and all, between her teeth, although it were nine times as large as that of a full-grown turkey ; and put a bit of bread in her mouth, as big as two twelvepenny loaves. She drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead at a draught. Her knives were twice as long as a scythe, set straight upon the handle. The spoons, forks, and other instruments, were all in the same proportion. I remember when Glumdalclitch carried me, out of curiosity, to see some of the tables at court, where ten or a dozen of those enormous knives and forks were lifted up to- gether, I thought I had never till then beheld so terrible a sight. It is the custom, that every Wednesday (which, as I have observed, is their sabbath), the king and queen, with the royal issue of both sexes, dine together in the apartment of his majesty, to whom I was now be- come a great favourite ; and at these times, my little chair and table were placed at his left hand, before one of the salt-cellars. This prince took a pleasure in conversing with me, inquiring into the manners, religion, laws, government, and learning of Europe, wherein I gave him the best account I was able. His apprehension was so clear, and his judgment so exact, that he made very wise reflections and observations upon all 1 said. But I confess, that after I had been a little too copious in talking of my own beloved coun. 236 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. try, of our trade and wars by sea and land, of oui schisms in religion, and parties in the state, the pre- judices of his education prevailed so far, that he could not forbear taking me up in his right hand, and, stroking me gently with the other, after a hearty fit of laughing, asked me, whether I was a whig or tory ? Thtn turning to his first minister, who waited oehind him with a white staff, near as tall as the mainmast of the Royal Sovereign, he observed, " how contempti- ble a thing was human grandeur which could be mimicked by such diminutive insects as I ; and yet," says he, " I dare engage these creatures have their titles and distinctions of honour ; they contrive little nests and burrows, that they call houses and cities ; they make a figure and dress in equipage; they love, they fight, they dispute, they cheat, they betray." And thus he continued on, while my colour came and went several times, with indignation, to hear'our noble country, the mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France, the arbitress of Europe, the seat of virtue, piety, honour, and truth, the pride and envy of the world, so contemptuously treated.' But as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so upon mature thoughts I began to doubt whether I was injured or no. 2 For, after having been accus- 1 These boasts, which have been the common-places of party during the last two centuries, are rendered supremely ridiculous by their contrast with the speech of the king of Brobdingnag. 2 "Whether 1 was injured or no." '1 his vulgar and ungram- matical mode of expression has become almost universal; but instead of "no" the particle "not" should be used. The absurdi- ty of the former will appear by only repeating the word to which A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 237 tomed several months' to the sight and converse of thi people, and observed every object upon which I cast mine eyes to be of proportionable magnitude, the horror I had at first conceived from their bulk and aspect, was so far worn off, that if I had then beheld a company of English lords and ladies in their finery and birth-day clothes, acting their several parts in the most courtly manner of strutting, and bowing, and prating ; to say the truth, I should have been strongly tempted to laugh as much at them, as the king and his grandees did at me. Neither, indeed, could I for- bear smiling at myself, when the queen used to place me upon her hand towards a looking-glass, by which both our persons appeared before me in full view to- gether ; and there could be nothing more ridiculous than the comparison ; so that I really began to imagine myself dwindled many degrees below my usual size. Nothing angered and mortified me so much as the queen's dwarf; who, being of the lowest stature that was ever in that country (for I verily think he was not full thirty feet high), became so insolent at seeing a creature so much beneath him, that he would always affect to swagger and look big as he passed by me in the queen's antechamber, while I was standing on some table talking with the lords or ladies of the court, and he seldom failed of a smart word or two upon my littleness ; against which I could only revenge my self by calling him brother, challenging him to wrestle, it refers, and annexing to it, as thus " whether I were injured, or no injured," whereas, whether I were injured, or Twt injured," is good grammar. Sheridan. 238 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. and such repartees as are usually in the mouths of court pages. One day at dinner, this malicious little cub was so nettled with something I had said to him, that, raising himself upon the frame of her majesty'? chair, he took rne up by the middle, as I was sitting down, not thinking any harm, and let me drop into a large silver bowl of cream, and then ran away as fast as he could. I fell over head and ears, and if I had not been a good swimmer it might have gone very hard with me ; for Glumdalclitch in that instant happened to be at the other end of ihe room, and the queen was in such a fright that she wanted presence of mind to assist me. But my little nurse ran to my relief, and took me out, after I had swallowed above a quart of cream. I was put to bed ; however I received no other damage than the loss of a suit of clothes, which was utterly spoiled. The dwarf was soundly whipped, and as a farther punishment, forced to drink up the bowl of cream into which he had thrown me ; neither was he ever restored to favour ; for soon after the queen bestowed him on a lady of high quality, so that I saw him no more, to my very great satisfaction ; for I could not tell to what extremity such a malicious urchin might have carried his resentment. He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the queen a-laughing, although at the same time she was heartily vexed, and would have immediately cashiered him, if I had not been so generous as to in- tercede. Her majesty had taken a mar row- bone upon her plate, and, after knocking out the marrow, placed the bone again on the dish erect, as it stood A VOYAGE TO BRO3D1NGNAO. 239 Of fore; the dwarf, watching his opportunity, while Glumdalclitch was gone to the sideboard, mounted the stool that she stood on to take care of me at meals, took me up in both hands, and squeezing my legs to- gether, wedged them into the marrow-bone above my waist, where I stuck for some time, and made a very ridiculous figure. I believe it was neai a minu'.e before anv one knew what was become of me ; for I thought it below me to cry out. But, as princes sel- dom get their meat hot, my legs were not scalded, only my stockings and breeches in a sad condition. The dwarf, at my entreaty, had no other punishment than a sound whipping. I was frequently rallied by the queen upon account cxf my fearfulness ; and she used to ask me whether tfc.., people of my country were as great cowards as myself? The occasion was this ; the kingdom is much pestered with flies in summer ; and these odious insects, each of them as big as a Dunstable lark, hardly gave me any rest while I sat at dinner, with their continual humming and buzzing about mine ears. They would sometimes alight upon my victuals, and leave their loathsome excrement or spawn behind, which to me was very visible, though not to the natives of that country, whose larger optics were not so acute as mine in viewing smaller objects. Sometimes they would fix upon my nose or forehead, where they stung me to the quick, smelling very offensively ; and [ could easily trace that viscous matter, which, our na- turalists tell us, enables those creatures to walk with their feet upwards upon a ceiling. I had much ado ^40 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. to defend myself against these detestable animals, and could not forbear starting when they came on my face. It was the common practice of the dwarf, to catch a number of these insects in his hand, as school- boys do among us, and let them out suddenly under my nose, on purpose to frighten me, and divert the queen. My remedy was to cut them in pieces with my knife, as they flew in the air, wherein my dexter, ity was much admired. I remember one morning, when Glumdalclitch had set me in a box upon a window, as she usually did in A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 241 fair days to give me air (for I durst not venture to let the box be hung on a nail out of the window, as we do with cages in England), after I had lifted up one of my sashes, and sat down at my table to eat a piece of sweet cake for my breakfast, above twenty wasps, allured by the smell, came flying into the room, hum- ming louder than the drones of as many bagpipes. Some of them seized my cake, and carried it piece- meal away ; others flew about my head and face, confounding me with the noise, and putting me in the utmost terror of their stings. However, I had the courage to rise and draw my hanger, and attack them in the air. I despatched four of them, but the rest got away, and I presently shut my window. These insects were as large as partridges ; I took out their stings, found them an inch and a half long, and as sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all ; and having since shown them, with some other curi odities, in several parts of Europe ; upon my return to England I gave three of them to Gresham College, t ad kept the fourth for myself. CHAPTER IV. The country described A proposal for correcting modern maps Th* king'* palace, and some account of the metropolis The author's way of traTellinjj The chief temple described. JOURNEYS with Glumdalclitch having given me some knowledge of the country, I now intend to give the reader a short description of it, as far as I tra- velled, which was not above two thousand miles round Lorbrulgrud, the metropolis. For the queen, whom I always attended, never went farther when she ac- companied the king in his progresses, and there stayed till his majesty returned from viewing his frontiers. The whole extent of this prince's domi- nions reaches about six thousand miles in length, and from three to five in breadth ; whence 1 cannot but conclude, that our geographers of Europe are in a great error, by supposing nothing but sea between Japan and California ; for it was ever my opinion, that there must be a balance of earth to counterpoise the great continent of Tartary ; and therefore they ought to correct their maps and charts, by joining this vast tract of land to the north-west parts of America, wherein I shall be ready to lend them my assistance. The kingdom is a peninsula, terminated to the A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 243 %orth-east by a ridge of mountains thirty miles high, which are altogether impassable, by reason of the volcanoes upon the tops : neither do the most learned know what sort of mortals inhabit beyond those moun- tains, or whether they be inhabited at all. On the three other skies* it -is bounded by the ocean. There is not one seaport in the whole kingdom j and those parts of the coasts into which the rivers issue, are so full of pointed rocks, and the sea generally so rough, that tnere is no venturing with the smallest of their boats; so that these people are wholly excluded from any commerce with the rest of the world. 1 But the large rivers are full of vessels, and abound with ex- cellent fish : for they seldom -get any from the sea, because the sea-fish are of the same size with those in Europe, and consequently not worth catching ; whereby it is manifest, that nature, in the production of plants and animals of so extraordinary a bulk, is wholly confined to this continent, of which I leave the 1 This description of a sea that could not be safely navigated appears to have been taken from that veracious traveller, Sir J. Mandeville. " From the land of Bactry, men go many days' journey to the land of Prester John, that is a great emperor of Inde ; and men call his land the yle of Pantoxore. . . . There are many places in the sea where are many rockes of a stone that is called adamand, the which of his own kinde draweth all manner of yron, and therefore there may be no ships that hath yron nayles pass but it draweth them to him, and therefore they dare not go into that country with ships for fear of adamand. I went once into that sea, and saw along as it had been a great yle of treea stockes and branches growinge, and the shipman told me that those were of greate shippes that abode there through the vertua of the adamandes, and of things that were in the shippes, where- of those trees sprung and waxed." 244 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. reasons to be determined by philosophers. However now and then they take a whale that happens to be dashed against the rocks, which the common people feed on heartily. These whales I have known so large, that a man could hardly carry one upon his shoulders ; and sometimes, for curiosity, they are brought in hampers to Lorbrulgrud : I saw one of them in a dish at the king's table, which passed for a rarity, but I did not observe he was fond of it; for I think, indeed, the bigness disgusted him, although I have seen one somewhat larger in Greenland. The country is well inhabited, for it contains fifty, one cities, near a hundred walled towns, and a great number of villages. To satisfy my curious reader, it may be sufficient to describe Lorbrulgrud. This city stands upon almost two equal parts, on each side the river that passes through. It contains above eighty thousand houses, and about six hundred thou- sand inhabitants. It is in length three glomglungs (which make about fifty-four English miles), and two and a half in breadth; as I measured it myself in the royal map made by the king's order, which was laid .on the ground on purpose for me, and extended a hundred feet : I paced the diameter and circumference several times barefoot, and computing by the scale, measured it pretty exactly. The king's palace is no regular edifice, but a heap of building about seven miles round : the chief rooms are generally two hundred and forty feet high, and broad and long in proportion. A coach was allowed to GlumdalaUuib and me, whereic her governess fre. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINCN 4G. * 245 quently took her out to see the town, or go among the shops ; and I was always of the party, carried in my box ; although the girl, at my own desire, would often take me out, and hold me in her hand, that I might more conveniently view the houses and the people, as we passed along the streets. I reckoned our coach to be about a square of Westminster Hall, but not altogether so high : however, I cannot be very exact. One day the governess ordered our coachman to stop at several shops, where the beggars, watching their opportunity, crowded to the sides of the coach, and gave me the most horrible spectacle that ever an European eye beheld. There was a woman with a cancer in her breast, swelled to a monstrous size, full of holes, in two or three of which I could have easily crept, and covered my whole body. There was a 'fellow with a wen in his neck, larger than five wool- packs ;. and another with a couple of wooden legs, each about twenty feet high. But the most hateful sight of all was the lice crawling on their clothes. I could see distinctly the limbs of these vermin with my naked eye, much better than those of an European louse through a microscope, and their snouts with which they rooted like swine. They were the first I had ever beheld, and I should have been curious enough to dissect one of them, if I had had proper in- struments, which I unluckily left behind me in the ship, although, indeed, the sight was so nauseous, that it perfectly turned my stomach. Besides the large box in which I was usually carried, the queen ordered a smaller one to be made 21* 246 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. for me, of about twelve feet square, and ten high, fbf the convenience of travelling ; because the other was somewhat too large for Glumdalclitch's lap, and cumbersome in the coach : it was made by the same artist, whom I directed in the whole contrivance This travelling closet was an exact square, with a window in the middle of three of the squares, and each window was latticed with iron wire on the out- side, to prevent accidents in long journeys. On the fourth side, which had no window, two strong staples were fixed, through which the person that carried me, when I had a mind to be on horseback, put a leathern belt, and buckled it about his waist. This was al- ways the office of some grave trusty servant, in whom I could confide, whether I attended the king and queen in their progresses, or were disposed to see the gar- dens, or pay a visit to some great lady or minister of state in the court, when Glumdalclitch happened to be out of order ; for I soon began to be known and esteemed among the greatest officers, I suppose more upon account of their majesties' favour, than any merit of my own. In journeys, when I was weary of the coach, a servant on horseback would buckle on my box, and place it upon a cushion before him ; and there I had a full prospect of the country on three sides, from my three windows. I had, in this closet, a field-bed, and a hammock hung from the ceiling, two chairs, and a table, neatly screwed to the floor, to prevent being tossed about by the agitation of the horse, or the coach. And having been long used to eea voyages, those motions, although sometimes very violent, did not much discompose me A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 247 Whenever I had a mind to see the tow.i, it was always in my travelling closet : which Glumdalclitch held in her lap in a kind of open sedan, after the fashion of the country, borne by four men, and attended by two others in the queen's livery. The people, who had often heard of me, were very curious to crowd about the sedan, and the girl was com- plaisant enough to make the bearers stop, and to take me in her hand that I might be more conveniently seen. I was very desirous to see the chief temple, and particularly the tower belonging to it, which is reckoned ihe highest in the kingdom. Accordingly, one day my nurse carried me thither, but [ may truly say I came back disappointed ; for the height is not -above three thousand feet, reckoning from the ground to the highest pinnacle top ; which, allowing for the difference between the size of those people and us in Europe, is no great matter for admiration, nor at all equal in proportion (if I rightly remember) to Salis- bury steeple. But, not to detract from a nation, to which, during my life, I shall acknowledge myself extremely obliged, it must be allowed, that whatever this famous tower wants in height, is amply made up in beauty and strength ; for the walls are near a hundred feet thick, built of hewn stone, whereof each is about forty feet square, and adorned on all sides with statues of gods and emperors, cut in marble, larger than the life, placed in their several niches. I measured a little finger which had fallen down from one of these statues, and lay unperceived among some 248 GULLIVER S TRAVELS. rubbish, and found it exactly four feet and an inch in length. 1 Glumdalclitch wrapped it up in her hand- kerchief, and carried it home in her pocket, to keep among other trinkets, of which the girl was very fond, as children at her age usually are. The king's kitchen is, indeed, a noble building, vaulted at top, and about six hundred feet high. The great oven is not so wi.Je, by ten paces, as the cupola at Si. Paul's ; for I measured the latter on purpose, after rny return. But if 1 should describe the kitchen grate, the prodigious pots and kettles, the joints of meat turning on the spits, with many other particulars, perhaps I should be hardly believed; at least a severe critic would be apt to think 1 enlarged a little, as travellers are often suspected to do. To avoid which censure, 1 fear I have run too much into the other ex- treme, and that if this treatise should happen to be translated into the language of Brobdingnag (which is the general name of that kingdom), and transmitted thither, the king and his people would have reason to 1 Had Swift seen the colossal statuary of ancient Egypt, he would have found that it rivalled the imaginary sculpture of Brobdingnag. Belzoni has given the exact dimensions of the four stupendous figures which are seated side by side in front of the excavated temple of Ipsambul ; each of them, though seated, measures sixty-four feet from the ground to the top of the cap : the arm, from the shoulder to the elbow, measures fifteen feet and a half, the ear three feet and a half, and the chest, across the shoulders, twenty-five feet four inches. Yet the great Sphinx is half as large again as these. Among the Egyptian antiquities there is a colossal fist, probably belonging to a sphinx : were the hand opened, the finger would be nearly of the size of that which Glumdalclitch is said to have picked up. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 249 complain that I had done them an injury, by a false and diminutive representation. 1 His majesty seldom keeps above six hundred horses in his stables; they are generally from fifty-four to sixty feet high. But, when he goes abroad on solemn days, he is attended, for state, by a militia guard of five hundred horse, which, indeed, I thought was the most splendid sight that could be ever beheld, till I saw part of his army in battalia, whereof I shall find another occasion to speak. 1 Lord Orrery has directed attention to the air of probability which Swift's minute attention to proportions, and his reference to familiar objects as a standard, give to his account of Lilliput. The same tact is not less observable in the account of Brobding- nag, and particularly in the comparison of the royal kitchen with the cupola of St. Paul's; perhaps also Swift intended to hint that St. Paul's, however splendid as an edifice, does not, like the gothic cathedrals, immediately suggest that it was , how I did ; but I was so amazed and out of breath, that I could not speak a word. In a few minutes I A VOYAGE TO EKOBDINGNAG. 253 came to myself, and he carried me safe to my little nurse, who, by this time, had returned to the place where she left me, and was in cruel agonies when I did not appear, nor answer when she called. She severely reprimanded the gardener on account of his dog. But the thing was hushed up, and never known at court, for the girl was afraid of the queen's anger; and truly, as to myself, I thought it would not be for my reputation that such a story should go about. This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch never to trust me abroad for the future out of her sight. I had been long afraid of this resolution, and there- fore concealed from her some little unlucky adven- tures, that happened in those times when I was left by myself. Once a kite, hovering over the garden, made a stoop at me, and if I had not resolutely drawn my han- ger, and run under a thick espalier, he would have certainly carried me away in his talons. Another time, walking to the top of a fresh molehill, I fell to my neck in the hole, through which that animal had cast up the earth, and coined some lie, not worth re- membering, to excuse myself for spoiling my clothes. I likewise broke my right shin against the shell of a snail, which I happened to stumble over, as I was walking alone and thinking on poor England. I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mor- tified to observe, in those solitary walks, that the smaller birds did not appear to be at all afraid of me, but would hop about within a yard's distance, look, ing for worms and other food, with as much indiffer- ence and security as if no creature at all were near 22 254 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. them. I remember, a thrush had the confidence to snatch out of my hand, with his bill, a piece of cake that Glumdalolitch had just given me for my break- fast. When I attempted to eaten any of these birds, they would boldly turn against me, endeavouring to peck my fingers, which I durst not venture wrthin their reach ; and then they would hop back uncon- cerned, to hunt for worms or snails, as they did before. But one day, I took a thick cudgel, and threw it with all my strength so luckily, at a linnet, that I knocked him down, and seizing him by the neck with both my hands, ran with him in triumph to my nurse. How- ever, the bird, who had only been stunned, recovering himself, gave me so many boxes with his wings, on both sides of my head and body, though I held him at arm's-length, and was out of the reach of his claws, that I was twenty times thinking to let him go. But I was soon relieved by one of our servants, who wrung off the bird's neck, and I had him next day for dinner, by the queen's command. This linnet, as near as I can remember, seemed to be somewhat larger than an English swan. The maids of honour often invited Glumdalclitch to their apartments, and desired she would bring me along with her, on purpose to have the pleasure of seeing and touching me. 1 They would often strip me 1 Swift attributed his disappointment in his hopes of obtaining a bishopric from Queen Anne to the united influence f female intrigues and the remonstrances of Archbishop Sharpe. The Duchess of Somerset is said to have besought the queen on bet knees not to grant him promotion, in revenge for a bitter lam- poon, in which the character of the duchess was very roughly A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 255 naked from top to toe, and lay me at full length in their bosoms, wherewith I was much disgusted ; be- cause, to say the truth, a very offensive smell came from their skins ; which I do not mention or intend to the disadvantages of those excellent ladies, for whom I have all manner of respect ; but I conceive that my sense was more acute in proportion to my littleness, and that those illustrious persons were no more disa- greeable to their lovers, or to each other, than people of the same quality are with us in England. And after all, I found their natural smell was much more supportable than when they used perfumes, under which I immediately swooned away. I cannot forget, that an intimate friend of mine in Lilliput took the freedom in a warm day, when I had used a good deal of exercise, to complain of a strong smell about me, although I am as little faulty that way as most of my sex ; but I suppose his faculty of smelling was as nice with regard to me, as mine was to that of this people. Upon this point, I cannot forbear doing jus- tice to the queen my mistress, and Glumdalclitch my nurse, whose persons were as sweet as those of any lady in England. That which gave me most uneasiness among these maids of honour (when my nurse carried me to visit them) was, to see them use me without any manner of ceremony, like a creature who had no sort of con- cupiscence ; for they would strip themselves to the handled. Coarse as is the description here given of the maids of honour in the court of Brobdingnag, there is reason to believe that it has been much softened down from the original sketch. 256 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. skin, and put their smocks on in my presence, while I was placed on their toilet, directly before their naked bodies, which I am sure to me was very far from being a tempting sight, or from giving me any other emo- tions than those of horror and disgust ; their skins appeared so coarse and uneven, so variously coloured, when I saw them near, with a mole here and there as broad as a trencher, and hairs hanging from it thicker than packthreads, to say nothing farther concerning the rest of their persons. Neither did they at all scruple, while I was by, to discharge what they had drank, to the quantity of at least two hogsheads, in a vessel that held above three tons. The handsomest among these maids of honour, a pleasant frolicksome girl of sixteen, would sometimes set me astride upon one of her nipples, with many other tricks, wherein the reader will excuse me for not being over particu- lar. But I was so much displeased, that I entreated Glumdalclitch to contrive some excuse for not seeing that young lady any more. One day, a young gentleman, who was nephew to my nurse's governess, came and pressed them both to see an execution. It was of a man, who had mur- dered one of that gentleman's intimate acquaintance. Glumdalclitch was prevailed onto be of the company, very much against her inclination, for she was natu- rally tender-hearted ; and as for myself, although I abhorred such kind of spectacles, yet 'my curiosity tempted me to see something that I thought must be extraordinary. The malefactor was fixed on a chair upon a scaffold erected for that purpose, and his head A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. '257 c U off at one blow, with a sword of about forty feet long. The veins and arteries spouted up such a pro- digious quantity of blood, and so high in the air, that the great jet d'eau at Versailles was not equal 1 for the time it lasted and the head, when it fell on the scaf- fold floor, gave such a bounce as made me start, although I were at least half an English mile distant. The queen who often used to hear me talk of my sea- voyages, and took all occasions to divert me when I was melancholy, asked me whether I understood how to handle a sail or an oar, and whether a little exercise of rowing might not be convenient for my health ? I answered that I understood both very well : for although my proper employment had been to be surgeon or doctor to the ship, yet often, upon a pinch, I was forced to work like a common mariner. But I could not see how this could be done in their country, where the smallest wherry was equal to a first-rate man-of-war among us ; and such a boat as I could manage would never live in any of their rivers. Her majesty said, " If I would contrive a boat, her own joiner should make it, and she would provide a place for me to sail in." The fellow was an ingenious workman, and by my instructions, in ten days, finished a pleasure boat, with all its tackling, able conveniently to hold eight Europeans. When it was finished, the queen was so delighted, that she ran with it in her lap, to the king, who ordered it to be put into a cistern full of water, with me in it, by way of trial ; where 1 could not manage my two skulls, or little oars, fof 1 It should be " -vas not equal to it," etc, Sheridan. 22* 258 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. want of room. But the queen had before contrived another project. She ordered the joiner to make a wooden trough of three hundred feet long, fifty broad, and eight deep : which being well pitched to prevent leaking, was placed on ihS floor along the wall, in an outer room of the palace. It had a cock near the bottom to let out the water, when it began to grow stale ; and two servants could easily fill it in half an hour. Here I often used to row for my own diversion, as well as that of the queen and her ladies, who thought themselves well entertained with my sKill and agility. Sometimes I would put up my sail, and then my bus- iness was only to steer, while the ladies gave me a gale with their fans ; and when they were weary, some of their pages would blow my sail forward with their breath, while I showed my art by steering star- board or larboard as I pleased. When I had done, Glumdalclitch always carried back my boat into her closet, and hung it on a nail to dry. In this exercise I once met an accident, which had like to have cost me my life ; for, one of the pages having put my boat into the trough, the governess who attended Glumdalclitch very officiously lifted me up, to place me in the boat ; but I happened to slip through her fingers, and should infallibly have fallen down forty feet, upon the -floor, if, by the luckiest chance in the world, I had not been stopped by a corking-pir. that stuck in the good gentlewoman's stomacher ; the head of the pin passed between my shirt and the waist- band of my breeches, and thus I was held by the mid. die in the air, till Glumdalclitch ran to my relief. A VOYAGE TO BROB^INGNAG. 259 Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was to fill my trough every third day with fresh Water, was so careless 1 to let a huge frog (not per- ceiving it) slip out of his pail. The frog lay con- cealed till I was put into my boat, but then, seeing a resting-place, climbed up, and made it lean so much on one side, that I was forced to balance it with all my weight on the other to prevent overturning. When the frog was got in, it hopped at once half the length of the boat, and then over my head, backward and forward, daubing my face and clothes with its odious slime. The largeness of its features made it appear the most deformed animal that can be con- ceived. However, I desired Glumdalclitch to let me deal with it alone. I banged it a good while with one of my sculls, and at last forced it to leap out of the boat. But the greatest danger I underwent in that king, dom? was from a monkey, who belonged to one of the clerks of the kitchen. Glumdalclitch had locked me up in her closet, while she went somewhere upon business, or a visit. The weather being very warm, the closet window was left open, as well as the win- dows and the door of my bigger box, in which I usually lived, because of its largeness and con- veniency. As I sat quietly meditating at my table, I heard something bounce in at the closet-window, and skip about from one side to the other ; whereat, although I was much alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but not stirring from my seat ; and then I saw 1 It should be " was so careless as to let." Sheridan. 260 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. this frolicsome animal frisking and leaping up and down, till at last he came to my box, which he seemed to view with great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the door and every window. I retreated to the farther corner of my room, or box ; but the monkey looking in at every side, put me into such a fright, that I wanted presence of mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I might easily have done. Aftei some time spent in peeping, grinning, and chattering, he at last espied me ; and reaching one of his pawa in at the door, as a cat does when she plays with a mouse, although I often shifted place to avoid him, he at length seized the lappet of my coat (which being made of that country silk, was very thick and strong), and dragged me out. He took me up in his right fore-foot, and held me as a nunse does a child she is going to suckle, just as I have seen, the same sort of creature do with a kitten in Europe ; and when I offered to struggle, he squeezed me so hard, that I thought it more prudent to submit. I have good reason to believe that he took me for a young one of his own species, by his often stroking my face very gently with his other paw. In these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the closet door, as if somebody were opening it ; whereupon he suddenly leaped up to the window, at which he had come in, and thence upon the leads and gutters, walking upon three legs, and holding me in the fourth, till he clam- bered up to a roof that was next to ours. I heard Glumdalclitch give a shriek the moment he waa carrying me out. The poor girl was almost dis. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 261 traded ; that quarter of the palace was all in an up- roar ; the servants ran for ladders ; the monkey was seen by hundreds in the court, sitting upon the ridge of a building, holding me like a baby in one of his fore-paws, and feeding me with the other, by cram- ming into my mouth some victuals he had squeezed out of the bag on one side of his chaps, and patting me when I would not eat ; whereat many of the rabble below could not forbear laughing ; neither do I tnink they justly ought to be blamed, for, without question, the sight was ridiculous enough to every body but myself. Some of the people threw up stones, hoping to drive the monkey down ; but this was strictly forbidden, or else, very probably, my brains had been dashed out. The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several men ; which the monkey observing, and find, ing himself almost encompassed, not being able to make speed enough with his three legs, let me drop on a ridge tile, and made his escape. Here I sat for some time, five hundred yards from the ground, ex- pecting every moment to be blown down by the wind, or to fall by my own giddiness, and come tumbling over and over from the ridge to the eaves : but an honest lad, one of my nurse's footmen, climbed up, and putting me into his breeches-pocket, brought me down safe. I was almost choked with the filthy stuff the monkey had crammed down my throat ; but my dear little nurse picked it our of my mou h with a small needle, 262 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. and then I fell a vomiting, which gave me groat re lief. Yet I was so weak and bruised in the sides with the squeezes given me by this odious animal, that I was forced to keep my bed a fortnight. The king, queen, and all the court, sent every day to in- quire after my health ; and her majesty made me several visits during my sickness. The monkey was killed, and an order made that no such animal should be kept about the palace. When I attended the king after my recovery, to return him thanks for his favours, he was pleased to rally me a good deal upon this adventure. He asked me, " what my thoughts and speculations were while I lay in the monkey's paw ? how I liked the victuals he gave me ? his manner of feeding ? and whether the fresh air on the roof had sharpened my stomach ?" He desired to know t: what I would have done upon such an occasion in 'my own country ?" I told his majesty, " that ;n Europe we had no monkeys except such as were brought for curiosities from other places, and so small that I could deal with a dozen of them together, if they presumed to attack me. And as for that monstrous animal, with whom I was so lately engaged (it was indeed as large as an elephant), if my fears had suffered me to think so far as to make use of my hanger (looking fiercely, and clapping my hand upon the hift, as I spoke) when he poked his paw into my chamber, perhaps I should have given him such a wound, as would have made him glad to withdraw it, with more haste than he put it m." A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 263 This I delivered in a firm tone, like a person who was jealous lest his courage should be called in question. However, my speech produced nothing else beside a loud laughter, which all the respect due to his majesty from those about him could not make them contain. This made me reflect, how vain an attempt it is for a man to endeavour to do himself honour among those who are out of all degree of equality or comparison with him. And yet I have seen the moral of my own behaviour very frequent in England since my return ; where a little contemptible varlet, without the least title to birth, person, wit, or common sense, shall pre- sume to look with importance, and put himself upon a foot with the greatest persons of the kingdom. I was every day furnishing the court with some ridiculous story ; and Glumdalclitch, although she loved me to excess, yet was arch enough to inform the queen, whenever I committed any folly that she thought would be diverting to her majesty. The girl, who had been out of order, was carried by her gov- erness to take the air about an hour's distance, or thirty miles from town. They alighted out of the coach near a small footpath in a field, and Glumdal- clitch setting down my travelling box, I went out of it to walk. There was a cow-dung in the path, and I must need try my activity by attempting to leap over it. I took a run, but unfortunately jumped short, and found myself just in the middle, up to my knees. I waded through with some difficulty, and one of the footmen wiped me as clean as he could with 264 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. his handkerchief, for I was filthily bemired j and my nurse confined me to my box, till we returned home ; where the queen was soon informed of what had passed, and the footmen spread it about the court : eo that all the mirth for some days was at my expense. CHAPTER VI. rreral contrivances of the author to please the king and quta He showi bu tkill in music The king inquires into the state of E^gii.v.!, which the author relates to him The king's observations thereon. JOINED as 1 was to the court, I used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to behold ; for the razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the country, was only shaved twice a- week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of which 1 picked forty or fifty of the strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal dis- tances, with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife towards the points, that I made a very tolerable comb ; which was a seasonable supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless ; neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another. And this puts me in mind of an amusement, where- in I spent many of my leisure hours. I desired the 23 2(>6 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. queen's worn in to save for me the combings of her ma- jn sty's hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general orders to do little jobs for me, I di. reeled him to make two chair frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore little holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I designed the backs and seats : through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out, just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a present of them to her majesty, who kept them in her cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of every one that beheld them. The queen would have had me sit upon one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would rather die a thousand deaths, than place a dishonourable part of my body on those pre- cious hairs that once adorned her majesty's head. Of these hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty's name deciphered in gold let- ters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch by the queen's consent. To say the truth it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls are fond of. The king, who delignted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on the table to hear them ; but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets A VOY^GfE TO BROBDINGNAG. 267 of a royal array, beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box removed from the place where the per- formers sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it and draw the window curtains, ' after which I found their music not disagreeable. I had learned in my youth to play a litlle upon the spinet. Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a- week to teach her : 1 called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner A fancy came into my head that I would entertain the king and queen with an English tune upon this instru- ment. But this appeared extremely difficult: for the spinet was near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and to press them down required a good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived was this : I prepared two round sticks, about the bigness of common cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends with pieces of a mouse's skin, that by rapping on them I might neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sidelong upon it, that way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of both their ma. jesties ; but it was the most violent exercise I ever 268 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. underwent ; and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor, consequently, play the bass and treble to- gether, as other artists do ; which was a great disad- vantage to my performance. The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my box, and set upon the table in his closet ; he would then command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three yards' distance, upon the top of the cab- inet, which brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty, " that the contempt he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body ; on the contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least provid- ed with it ; that among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds ; and that, as inconsid- erable as ne took me to be, 1 hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service." The king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much bet ter opinion of me than he had ever before. He da sired " I would give him as exact an account of th government of England as I possibly could ; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their own cus- toms (for so he conjectured of other monarchs by my former discourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that migM deserve imitation." A VOYAGE TO BROEDINGNAG. 269 Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I (hen wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the praise of my own dear native country, in a style equal to its merits and felicity. I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions consisted of two islands, which com. posed three mighty kingdoms under one sovereign, besides our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke at large upon the constitu. tion of an English parliament ; partly made up of an illustrious body, called the House of Peers ; persons of the noblest blood, and of the most ancient and am- pie patrimonies. I described that extraordinary care always take*h of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king and kingdom ; to have a share in the legislature ; to be members of the highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal ; and to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned ancestor?, whose honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which their posterity were never once known to de- generate. To these were joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the title of bishops, whose peculiar business it is to take care of religion, and of those who instruct the people therein. These were searched and sought out through the whole na. 23* 270 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. tion, by the prince and nis wisest counsellors, among wuch of the priesthood as were most deservedly dis- tinguished by the sanctity of their life, and the depth i-f their erudition ; who were indeed the spiritual Bathers of the clergy and the people. 1 1 The doctrines of passive obedience and non-resistance, so strenuously maintained by many eminent English divines, render- t A the church an object of suspicion to the several whig cabinets, ft/id ministerial patronage was exerted to weaken the political influ- ence of the church by promoting persons not likely to maintain the claims of ecclesiastical power. Not only Swift, but many others complained that the church was betrayed by the state, and that the secular power was directly exerted to overthrow episco- pal authority. Bishop Warburton, in one of his letters, urges this complaint with his usual force, vulgarity, and mannerism; the passage is also remarkable for a Brobdingnagian image worthy of Swift himself. " You mention Noah's ark. I have really for- got what I said of it. But I suppose I compared it to the church, as many a grave divine has done before me. The rabbins make the giant Gog or Magog cotemporary with Noah, and convinced by his preaching; so that he was disposed to take the benefit of the ark. But here lay the distress; it by no means suited his dimensions. Therefore, as he could not enter in, he contented himself to ride upon it astride. And though you must suppose, that in that stormy weather he was more than half boots ove*r, he kept his seat, and dismounted safely when the ark landed on Mount Ararat. Image now to yourself this illustrious cnvalier mounted on his hackney; and see if it. does not bring before you the church bestrid by some lumpish minister of state, who turna and winds it at his pleasure. The only difference is, that Gog be- lieved the preacher of righteousness and religion." The former comparison of the church to the ark, which War- burton's correspondent appears to have noticed, is not less char acteristic. " The church, like the ark of Noah, is worth saving , not for the sake of the unclean beasts and vermin that almost filled It, and probably made most noise and clamour in it, but for the little corner of rationality, that was as much distressed by the stink within as by the tempc?: without." A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 271 That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly, called the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. A.nd that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe, to whom, in con- junction with the prince, the whole legislature is committed. I then descended to the courts of justice ; over which the judges, those venerable sages and interpret- ers of the law, presided, for determining the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the pun- ishment of vice and protection of innocence. I men- tioned the prudent management of our treasury ; the valour and achievements of our forces, by sea and land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how many millions there might be of each religious sect, or political party among us. I did not ornit even our sports and pastimes, or any other par- ticular which I thought might redound to the honour of my country. And I "finished all with a brief his- torical account of affairs and events in England for about a hundred years past. This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of vchat questions he intended to ask me. When I had put an end to these long discourses, 272 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. his majesty, in a sixth audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, and objections, upon every article. He asked, " what methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of out young nobil- ity, and in what kind of business they commonly spent the first and teachable part of their lives ? What course was taken to supply that assembly, when any noble family became extinct ? What qualifica- tions were necessary in those who are to be created new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum of money to a court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to the public interest, ever happened to be the motives in those advancements ?' What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws of their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide the properties of their fellow, subjects in the last resort? Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no place among them ? Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank upon ac- count of their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives ; had never been compilers with the times, while they were common priests ; or slav- ish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whoso 1 A bill for the Limitation of the Peerage was passed by the House of Lords in 1719; but after a long debate, was rejected by an overwhelming majority of the Commons. On this occasion, the lories joined with that section of the whigs vhich recognized Walpole as a leader. Swift unconsciously has adopted a portion of the reasoning of his great enet ay. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 273 opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted into that assembly?'" He then desired to know, "what arts were prac- I Swift very frequently assailed the Irish bench of bishops, as- serting that they were ignorant of the creed of their own church) In one of these attacks on the episcopal body, he says, Of whom there are not four at most Who know there is an Holy Ghost ; And when they boast they have conferr'dit, Like Paul's Ephesians, never heard it ; And when they gave it, 't is well known, They gave what never was their own. II mother political squib, we find the following bitter lines, Let prelates by their good behaviour, Convince us they believe a Saviour; Nor sell, what they so dearly bought, This country nor their own, for nought. The Bishop of Kilkenny was particularly obnoxious to the Dean, and bears the brunt of Swift's fierce attack on the Irish bench, for proposing to divide the church livings. Old Latimer, preaching, did fairly describe A bishop, who ruled all the rest of his tribe : And who is this bishop ? and where did he dwell? Why, truly, 'tis Satan, Archbishop of Hell : And he was a primate, and he wore a mitre, Surrounded with jewels of sulphur and nitre. How nearly this bishop our bishops resembles ! But he has the odds whobeiievesand who trembles. Could you see his Grim Grace for a pound to a penny You'd swear it must be the baboon of Kilkenny : Poor Satan will think the comparison odious ; I wish I could find him out one more commodious. But this I am sure, the most reverend old dragon Had got on the bench many bishops suffragan ; And all men believe he resides there incog, To give them by turns an invisible jog. 2 /4 GULLIVERS TRAVELS. tised in electing those whom I called commoners j whether a stranger with a strong purse, might not in. fluence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the neighbourhood ? How it came to pass, that people were so violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families, without any salary or pension ; because this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sin- cere?" 1 And he desired to know, "whether such 1 Considerable excitement was produced by Sir John Cope hav- ing charged Sir Francis Page, one of the barons of the Exchequer, with endeavouring to corrupt the borough of Banbury, in order to secure the return of Sir William C'odrington, at the next election. The charge was heard at the bar of the House of Commons, and though the ministers of the day exerted all their influence to shield the judge, he was acquitted by a majority of four only, the num- bers being 128 to 124. A bill for securing the Freedom of Elec- tions was about the same time rejected by the House of Lords, through the influence of the ministers, who had failed to strangle it in the Commons. This afforded the lories an opportunity of representing themselves as the friends and the whigs as the ene- mies of constitutional liberty, which they were too wise to neg- lect. During the debate in the Commons, Mr. Hutcheson, mem- ber for Hastings, used the following language, which seems to have suggested the king of Brobdingnag's queries to Swift " But what in God's name can all this tend to 1 What other con- struction can any man in common sense put upon all these things, but that there seems to have been a grand design of violence and oppression, first to humble you, and make your necks pliable to the yoke, and then to finish the work by tempting the poverty and necessities of the people to sell themselves into the most ab- ject and detestable slavery, for that very money which had been either unnecessarily raised, or mercilessly and unjustly plundered A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 275 zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding themselves for the charges and trouble they were at, by sacrificing the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction with a corrupted ministry ?" He multiplied his questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head, pro- posing numberless inquiries and objections, which ] think it not prudent or convenient to repeat. Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice his majesty desired to be satisfied in several points : and this I was the better able to do, having been for- merly almost ruined by a long suit in chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked, " what time was usually spent in determining be- tween right and wrong, and what degree of expense ? Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in and torn from their very bowels ? And thus you may be in a fair way of being beaten by your own weapons. Nor can 1 imagine what inducement men have who run from borough to borough, and purchase their elections at such extravagant rates, unless it be from a strong expectation of being well paid for their votes, and of receiving ample recompense and reward for the secret service they have covenanted to perform here .... It were very much to be wished, that gentlemen of eatates and families in the coun- try would heartily unite in this particular, of keeping the elections in the severa.' counties among themselves; that they would re- solve inviolably to support each other's interests against the en- croachments and corrupt applications of strangers, let them como from what quarter they will. If this were done, it would in a great measure put an end to those dangerous and infamous prac- tices that are now on foot, and we might hope once more to sea this House filled with gentlemen of free and independent fortunes euch as would be above making their court any where at the ex pense of their country, and would despise all manner of slavish concessions to men in power." 276 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, 01 oppressive ? Whether party, in religion or politics, were observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice ? Whether those pleading orators were per- sons educated in the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and other local customs ? Whether they*t>r their judges had any part in penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty of inter- preting, and glossing upon at their pleasure ? Whether they had ever, at different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and cited precedents to prove contrary opinions 1 Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation ? Whether they received any pecuniary reward for pleading, or delivering their opinions ? And particularly, whether they were ever admitted as members in the lower senate ?'" 1 In the session of 1720, Sir William Thompson, solicitor-gen- eral, charged Mr. Lechtnere, attorney-general, with breach of his oath, trust, and duty, as a privy councillor, saying that he acted as counsel, and received sums of money for his advice in matters to him referred by the privy council as attorney-general. The charge was investigated by a committee of the whole House ; if appeared that Mr. Lechmere had taken nothing but his usual fee* as chamber counsellor, and the accusation was declared by the House to be false, scandalous, and -nalicious. The lawyers ot Swift's day were for the most part whigs, and strongly attached to the Protestant succession ; they were on this account particu- larly odious to the Jacobites, and when individual satire failed, bitter attacks were made on the entire legal profession. It must, however, be added, that the whig lawyers were too read) to ex- tend the dangerous principle of constructive treason, and far too ardent in their prosecutions for libel. Swift was particularly hos- tile to lawyers on account of the vexatious prosecutions underta- ken against the printers and publishers of the Drapier's Letters, and he never omits an opportunity of venting his indignation. A VOY/'JE TO BROBDINGNAG. 277 He fell next upon the management of our treasury ; and said, " he thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or six millions a-year, and when I came to mention the issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more than double ; for the notes he had taken were very particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be use- ful to him, and he could not be deceived in his calcu- lations. 1 But, if what I told him were true, he was still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate, like a private person." He asked me " who were our creditors ; and where we found money to pay them ?" He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and expensive wars ; " that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must needs be richer than our kings !" He asked " what business we had out of our own islands, unless upon the score of trade or treaty, or to defend the coasts with our fleet ?" Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk 1 The National Debt was first incurred by the whig administra- tions in the reigns of William III. and Queen Anne, when the or- dinary revenue was found inadequate to the expenses of the great wars against France. It was a favourite topic of declamation with their tory opponents, and was not the least efficacious in de- priving the whigs of their popularity. In 1722, the lories pro- posed the following resolution in the Lords. " That the lessen- ing the public debt annually by all proper methods is necessary to the restoring and securing the public credit." The previous question was carried ; upon which, a spirited protest was enter- ed on the Journals, and copies of it industriously circulated through the country. 24 278 GULLIVEK'S TRAVELS. of a mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace and among a free people. He said, "if we were governed by our own consent, in the persons of our representatives, he could riot imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight ; and would hear my opinion, whether a private man's house might not better be defended by himself, his children, and family, than by half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a venture in the streets for small wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting their throats ?"> He laughed at my "odd kind of arithmetic," as he was pleased to call it, " in reckoning the numbers of our people by a computation drawn from the several sects among us in religion and politics." He said " he knew no reason why those, who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public, should be obliged 1 One of the most memorable debates in the reign of George I. was on the grant for maintaining a standing army of sixteen thousand men. Mr. Shippen and Mr. Jeffries resisted the propo- sal with great energy, and the former used such severity of lan- guage that he was committed to the Tower. The lories, both on this question and on the Debt, had a decided advantage in argu- ment over their adversaries, especially as they could appeal to a parliamentary resolution in the reign of Charles II., which de- clared, " That the continuance of standing forces in this nation, other than the militia, is illegal, and a great grievance and vexa- tion to the people." Mr. Shippen, in his speech, perplexed the whigs by referring to their own recorded principles. " It is," said he, " every year declared in the Act ol Mutiny and Desertion, that the keeping up a standing army in time of peace, is against law ; and as the freeing us from it was one of the ends of the Rev- olution, so, no doubt, the preserving us for ever from an attempt of the like nature, was one of those innumerable glorious advantage! proposed by the Aci of Succession. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 279 to change, or should not be obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any government to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second : for a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not to vend them about for cordials." 1 He observed, " that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry, I had mentioned gaming ; he desired to know at what age this entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid down ; how much of their time it employed : whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes ; whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might not arrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions ; wholly take from them the improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses they received, 8 to learn and practise that in- famous dexterity upon others ?" He was perfectly astonished with the historical ac- count I gave him of our affairs during the last cen- tury ; protesting it was only a heap of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions, banish- ments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction, 1 It is not easy to reconcile these intolerant sentiments with the opinions on toleration already noticed in the Voyage to Lilliput. There was at this time reason to fear that the Presbyterians would obtain the ascendency in the Irish parliament, and abolish epis- copacy ; hence probably arises Swift's bitterness against sectaries, which is very strongly manifested here, and in his celebrated Let- ter on the Sacramental Test. 8 Receiving a loss, is certainly not a good expression ; it enould be, " th losses they have sustained." Sheridan. 280 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madi.ei*?, hatred, envy, lust, malice, and ambition could produce. His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate the sum of all I had spoken ; com- pared the questions he made with the answers I had given ; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently, delivered himself in these words, which I shall never forget, nor the mannef"he spoke them in : " My little friend Grildrig, you have made a most admirable panegyric upon your country ; you have clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator ; that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied, by those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which in its original might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. Jt does not appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is required toward the procurement ol any one station among you ; much less that men are ennobled on account of their virtue ; that priests are advanced for their piety or learning ; soldiers, for their conduct or valour ; judges, for their integrity ; senators, for the love of their country; or counsellors for their wisdom. As for yourself," continued the king, " who have spent the greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered from your own relation, A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 281 and the answers I have with much pains wringed * and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth." Instead of " wringed." it should have been " wrung." Shtrt- dan. CHAPTER Vll. The avJhor's love of his country He makes a proposal of much advantage te the king 1 , which is rejected The king's great ignorance in politics The learn- ing of that country very imperfect and confined The laws and military af. fairs, and parties in the state. LOVE of truth could alone have hindered me from concealing this part of my story. It was in vain to discover my resentments, which were always turned into ridicule ; and I was forced to rest with patience, while my noble and beloved country was so injurious- ly treated. I am as heartily sorry as any of my read- ers can possibly be, that such an occasion was given ; but this prJnce happened to be so curious and inquisi- tive upon every particular, that it could not consist either with gratitude or good manners, to refuse giving him what satisfaction I was able. Yet thus much I may be allowed to say in my own vindication, that I artfully eluded many of his questions, and gave to every point a more favourable turn, by many degrees, than the strictness of truth would allow. For I have always borne that laudable partiality to my own coun- try, which Dionysius Halicarnassensis, with so much justice, recommends to an historian ; I would hido the frailties and deformities of my political mother, and place her virtues and beauties in the most advan- A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 283 tageous light. This was my sincere endeavour in those many discourses I had with that monarch, al- though it unfortunately failed of success. But great allowances should be given to a king, who lives wholly secluded from the rest of the world, and must therefore be altogether unacquainted with the manners and customs that most prevail in other nations ; the want of which knowledge will ever produce many prejudices, and a certain narrowness of thinking, from which we, and the politer countries of Europe, are wholly exempted. And it would be hard indeed, if so remote a prince's notions of virtue and vice were to be offered as a standard for all mankind. To confirm what I have now said, and farther to show the miserable effects of a confined education, I shall here insert a passage, which will hardly obtain belief. In hopes to ingratiate myself farther into his majesty's favour, I told him of " an invention, discov- ered between three and four hundred years ago, to make a certain powder, into a heap of which, the smallest spark of fire falling, would kindle the whole in a moment, although it were as big as a mountain, and make it all fly up into the air together, with a noise and agitation greater than thunder. That a proper quantity of this po'.vder rammed into a hollow tube of brass or iron, according to its bigness, would drive a ball of iron or lead, with such violence and speed, as nothing was able to sustain its force. That the largest balls thus discharged, would not only de- stroy whole ranks of an army at once, but batter the strongest walls to the ground ; sink down ships, with 284 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. a thousand men in each, to the bottom of the sea ; and when linked together by a chain would cut through masts and rigging, divide hundreds of bodies in the middle, and lay all waste before them. That we often put this powder into large hollow balls of iron, and discharged them by an engine into some city we were besieging, which would rip up the pavements, tear the houses to pieces, burst and throw splinters on every side, dashing out the brains of all who came near. That I knew the ingredients very well, which were cheap and common ; I understood the manner of compounding them, and could direct his workmen how to make those tubes, of a size proportionable to all other things in his majesty's kingdom, and the largest need not be above a hundred feet long ; twenty or thirty of which tubes, charged with the proper quantity of powder and balls, would batter down the walls of the strongest town in his dominions in a few hours, or destroy the whole metropolis, if ever it should pretend to dispute his absolute commands. This I humbly offered to his majesty, as a small tribute of acknowledgment, in return of so many marks that I had received of his royal favour and protection." The king was struck with horror at the description I had given of these terrible engines, and the proposal I had made. " He was amazed, how so impotent and grovelling an insect as 1 " (these were his expressions) " could entertain such inh iman ideas, and in so fa- miliar a manner, as to appear wholly unmoved at all the scenes of blood and desolation which I bad painted, as the common effects of those destructive machines ; A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAff. 285 whereof" he said " some evil genius, enemy to man- kind, must have been the first contriver. As for him- self, he protested, that 'although few things delighted him so much as new discoveries in art or in nature, yet he would rather lose half his kingdom than be privy to such a secret; which he commanded me, as I valued my life, never to mention any more." 1 A strange effect of narrow principles and views ! that a prince possessed of every quality which pro- cures veneration, love, and esteem ; of strong parts, great wisdom, and profound learning ; endowed with admirable talents, and almost adored by his subjects, should from a nice unnecessary scruple, whereof in Europe we can have no conception, let slip an oppor- tunity put into his hands that would have made him absolute master of the lives, the liberties, and the fortunes of his people. 2 Neither do I say this, with 1 It is scarcely necessary to expose the fallacious reasoning of this passage ; every body knows that wars have been far less san- guinary since the invention of gunpowder than they were before, and that every improvement in the arts of destruction has been followed by a saving of human life. Swift, however, knew that the glories of Marlborough's campaigns were the chief source of the popularity of the whigs, and as he could not deny the military merits of these victories, he hoped to weaken their influence by declaiming against wars in general. 2 It was more than hinted by the tories, that the House of Brunswick intended to make use of the standing army to subvert British liberty. Mr. Shippen, in the speech to which allusion has been already made, said, "that the second paragraph of the king's speech seemed rather to be calculated for the meridian of Gremany than Great Britain ; and that the king was a stranger to our language and constitution." It was for these expressions that he was committed to the Tower. 286 GULLIVER'S TKAVEI.S. the least intention to detract from the many virtues of that excellent king, whose character, I am sensible, will, on this account, be very much lessened in the opinion of the English reader ; but I take this defect among them to have risen from their ignorance, by not having hitherto reduced politics into a science, as the more acute wits of Europe have done. For, I remember very well, in a discourse one day with the king, when I happened to say, " there were several thousand books among us written upon the art of gov- ernment," it gave him (directly contrary to my in- tention) a very mean opinion of our understandings. He professed both to abominate and despise all mys- tery, refinement, and intrigue, either in a prince or a minister. He could not tell what I meant by secrets of state, where an enemy, or some rival nation, were not in the case. He confined the knowledge of gov- erning within very narrow bounds, to common sense and reason, to justice and lenity, to the speedy deter- mination of civil and criminal causes ; with some other obvious topics, which are not worth considering. And he gave it for his opinion, " that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground, where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essen tial service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together." 1 The learning of this people is very defective j con- 1 The lories were always anxious to identify themselves with the agricultural interest, to which Swift consequently loses no opportunity of paying a compliment. A VOOGE 10 BROBDINGNAG. 287 listing only in morality, history, poetry, and mathe- matics, wherein they must be allowed to excel. But the last of these is wholly applied to what may be useful in life, to the improvement of agriculture and all mechanical arts ; so that among us, ; t would be .ittle esteemed. And as to ideas, entities, abstrac- tions, and transcendentals, I could never drive the least conception into their heads. No law of that country must exceed in words the number of letters in their alphabet, which consists only of two-and-twenty. But indeed few of them extend even to that length. They are expressed in the most plain and simple terms, wherein those people are not mercurial enough to discover above one interpreta- tion : and to write a comment upon any law, is a capital crime. As to the decision of civil causes, or proceedings against criminals, their precedents are so few, that they have little reason to boast of any ex- traordinary skill in either. They have had the art of printing, as well as the Chinese, time out of mind : but their libraries are not very large ; for that of the king, which is reckoned the largest, does not amount to above a thousand vol- umes, placed in a gallery of twelve hundred feet long, whence I had liberty to borrow what books I pleased The queen's joiner had contrived in one of Glumdal- clitch's rooms, a kind of wooden machine five-and- twenty feet high, formed like a standing ladder ; the steps were each fifty feet long ; it was indeed a move- able pair of stairs, the lowest end placed at ten feet distance from the wall of the chamber. The book I 288 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. had a mind to read, was put up leaning against the wall : I first mounted to the upper step of the ladder, and turning my face towards the book, began at the top of the page, and so walking to the right and left about eight or ten paces, according to the length of the lines, till I had gotten a little below the level of mine eyes, and then descending gradually till I came to the bottom : after which I mounted again, and began the other page in the same manner, and so turned over the leaf, which I could easily do with both my hands, for it was as thick and stiff as a paste- board, and in the largest folios not above eighteen or twenty feet long. Their style is clear, masculine, and smooth, but not florid ; for they avoid nothing more than multiply- ing unnecessary words, or using various expressions. I have perused many of their books, especially those in history and morality. Among the rest, I was much diverted with a little old treatise, which always lay in Glumdalclitch's bedchamber, and belonged to her governess, a grave elderly gentlewoman, who dealt in writings of morality and devotion. The book treats of the weakness of human kind, and is in little esteem except among the women and the vulgar. However, I was curhus to see what an author of that country could say upon such a subject. This writer went through all the usual topics of European moralists, showing " how diminutive, contemptible, and helpless an animal was man in his own nature : how unable to defend himself from inclemencies of the air, or the fury of wild beasts : how much he was excelled by A VOYAGE TO BROBDING .\AG. 289 one creature in strength, by another in speed, by a third in foresight, by a fourth in industry." He added, " that nature was degenerated in these latter declining ages of the world, and could now produce only small abortive births, in comparison of those in ancient times." He said, " it was very reasonable to think, not only that the species of men were originally much larger, but also that there must have been giants in former ages : which, as it is asserted by history and tradition, so it has been confirmed by huge bones and skulls, casually dug up in several parts of the kingdom, far exceeding the common dwindled race of men in our days." He argued, that the very laws of nature absolutely required we should have been made, in the beginning, of a size more large and robust ; not so liable to destruction from every little accident, of a tile falling from a house, or a stone cast from the hand of a boy, or being drowned in a little brook." From this way of reasoning, the author drew several moral applications, useful in the conduct of life, but needless here to repeat. For my own pe.rt, I could not avoid reflecting how universally this talent was spread, of drawing lectures in moral- ity, or indeed rather matter of discontent and repining, from the quarrels we raise with nature. And I believe, upon a strict inquiry, those quarrels might be shown as ill-grounded among us as they are among that people. As to their military affairs, they boast that the king's army consists of a hundred and sevent3'-six thousand foot, and thirty-two thousand horse : if that 25 290 GULLIVER'S TKAVBLS. may be called an army, which is made up of trades, men in the several cities, and farmers in the country, whose commanders are only the nobility and gentry, without pay or reward. They are indeed perfect enough in their exercises, and under very good disci- pline, wherein I saw no great merit ; for how should it be otherwise, where every farmer is under the com- rnancl of his own landlord, and every citizen undef that of the principal men in his own city, chosen, after the manner of Venice, by ballot ? I have often seen the militia of Lorbrulgrud drawn out to exercise, in a great field, near the city, of twenty miles square. They were in all not above tw"enty-five thousand foot, and six thousand horse ; but it was impossible for me to compute their number, considering the space of ground they took up. A cavalier mounted on a large steed might be about ninety feet high. I have seen this whole body of horse, upon a word of com- mand, draw their swords at once, and brandish them in the air. Imagination can figure nothing so grand, so surprising, and so astonishing ! it looked as if ten thousand flashes of lightning were darting at the same time from every quarter of the sky. I was curious to know how this prince, to whose dominions there is no access from any other country, came to think of armies, or to teach his people the practice of military discipline. But I was soon in- formed, both by conversation and reading their his- tories ; for, in the course of many ages, they have been troubled with the same disease to which the whole race of mankind is subject : the nobility often A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 291 contending for power, the people for liberty, and the king for absolute dominion. All which, however happily tempered by the laws of that kingdom, have been sometimes violated by each of the three parties, and have more than once occasioned civil wars ; the last whereof was happily put an end to by this prince's grandfather, in a general composition, and the militia, then settled with common consent, haa been ever since kept in the strictest duty. CHAPTER VIII. The king and queen make a progress to the frontiers. The author attend* l.heia The manner in which he leaves the country very particularly related H returns to England. JUNCTURES of perilous circumstances, from which I had already escaped, inspired me with a strong impulse that I should some time recover my liberty, though it was impossible to conjecture by what means, or to form any project with the least hope of succeeding. The ship in which I sailed was the first known to be driven withia sight of that coast, and the king had given strict orders, " that if at any time another ap- peared, it should be taken ashore, and with all its crew and passengers brought in a tumbril to Lorbrulgrud." He was strongly bent to get me a woman of my own size, by whom I might propagate the breed ; but 1 think I should rather have died than undergone the disgrace of leaving a posterity to be kept in cages, like tame canary birds, and perhaps, in time, sold about the kingdom, to persons of quality, for curiosi- ties. I was indeed treated with much kindness ; I was the favourite of a great king and queen, and the de- light of the whole court ; but it was upon such a foot as ill became the dignity of human-kind. I could never forget those domestic pledges I had left behind A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 293 me. I wanted to be among people, with whom I could converse upon even terms, and walk about the streets and fields without being afraid of being trod to death like a frog or a young puppy. But my deliverance came sooner than I expected, and in a manner not very common ; the whole story and circumstances of which I shall faithfully relate. I had now been two years in the country ; and about the beginning of the third, Glumdalclitch and I at- tended the king and queen, in a progress to the south coast of the kingdom. I was carried as usual, in my travelling box, which, as I have already described was a very convenient closet of twelve feet wide. And I had ordered a hammock to be fixed, by silken ropes, from the four corners at the top, to break the jolts when a servant carried me before him on horse- back, as I sometimes desired ; and would often sleep in my hammock, while we were upon the road. On the roof of my closet, not directly over the middle of the hammock, I ordered the joiner to cut a hole of a foot square, to give me air in hot weather as I slept ; which hole I shut at pleasure, with a board that drew backward and forward through a groove. When we came to our journey's end, the king thought proper to pass a few days at a palace he has near Flanflasnic, a city within eighteen English miles of the sea-side. Glumdalclitch and I were much fa- tigued ; I had gotten a small cold, but the poor girl was so ill as to be confined to her chamber. I longed to see the ocean, which must be the only scene of my ape, if ever it should happen. I pretended to be 25* 294 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. worse than I really was, and desired leave to take the fresh air of the sea, with a page, whom I was very fond of, and who had sometimes been trusted with me, I shall never forget with what unwillingness Glum- dalclitch consented, nor the strict charge she gave the page to be careful of me, bursting at the same time into a flood of tears, as if she had some foreboding of what was to happen. The boy took me out in my box, about half an hour's walk from the palace, to- wards the rocks on the sea-shore. I ordered him to set me down, and lifting up one of my sashes, cast many a wistful melancholy look towards the sea. I found myself not very well, and told the page that I had a mind to take a nap in my hammock, which I hoped would do me good. I got in, and the boy shut the window close down to keep out the cold. I soon fell asleep, and all I can conjecture is, while I slept, the page, thinking no danger could happen, went among the rocks to look for birds' eggs, having before ob- served him from my window searching about, and picking up one or two in the clefts. Be that as it will, I found myself suddenly awakened with a violent pull upon the ring, which was fastened at the top of my box for the convenience of carriage. I felt my box raised very high in the air, and then borne forward with prodigious speed. The first jolt had like to have shaken me out of my hammock, but afterward the motion was easy enough. I called out several times as loud as I could raise my voice, but all lo no pur- pose. I looked towards my windows, and could see nothing but the clouds and sky I heard a noise just A VOYAGE TO BROBD1NGNAG. 295 over my head, like the clapping of wings, and then began to perceive the woful condition I was in j that 29U GCJLLIVER'S TRAVELS. some eagle had got the cord of my box in his beak, with an intent to let it fall on a rock, like a tortoise in a shell, and then pick out my body, and devour it ; for the sagacity and smell of this bird enable hiro to discover his quarry at a great distance, though better concealed thai. 1 could be within a two-inch hoard. In a little lime, I observed the noise and flutter of wings to increa-^e very fast, and my box was tossed up and down, like a sign in a windy day. I heard several bangs or buffets, as I thought, given to the eagle (for such I am certain it must have been that held the cord of my box in his beak), and then, all on a sudden, felt myself falling perpendicularly down, for above a minute, but with such incredible swiftness, that I almost lost my breath. My fall was stopped by a terrible squash, that sounded louder to my e p .rs than the cataract of Niagara; 1 after which, T was quite in the dark for another minute, and then my box began to rise so high, that I could see light from the tops of the windows. I now perceived I was fallen into the sea. My box, by the weight of my body, the goods that were in, and the broad plates of iron fixed for strength at the four corners of the top and bottom, floated about five feet deep in water. I did then, and do now suppose, that the eagle which flew away with my box was pursued by two or three others, and forced 1 This cataract is produced by the fall of a ccnflux of water (formed of the four v.ist lakes of Canada) from a rocky precipice, the perpendicular height of which is one hundred and thirty-sev- en feet ; and it is said to have been heard fifteen leagues. worth. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 297 to let me drop, while he defended himself against the rest, who hoped to share in the prey. The plates of iron fastened at the bottom of the box (for those were the strongest) preserved the balance while it fell, and hindered it from being broken on the surface of the water. Every joint of it was well grooved ; and the door did not move on hinges, but up and down like a sash, which kept my closet so tight that very little water came in. I got with much difficulty out of my hammock, having first ventured to draw back the slip- board on the roof already mentioned, contrived on purpose to let in air, for want of which I found my- self almost stifled. How often did I then wish myself with my dear Glumdalclitch, from whom one single hour had so far divided me ! And I may say with truth, that in the midst of my own misfortunes I could not forbear la- menting my poor nurse, the grief she would suffer for my loss, the displeasure of the queen, and the ruin of her fortune. Perhaps many travellers have not been under greater difficulties and distress than I wag at this juncture, expecting every moment to see my box dashed to pieces, or at least overset by the first violent blast, or rising wave. A breach in one single pane of glass would have been immediate death ; nor could any thing have preserved the windows, but the strong lattice wires placed on the outside, against ac- cidents in travelling. I saw the water ooze in at geveral crannies, although the leaks were not consid- erable, and I endeavoured to stop them as well as I could. I was not able to lift up the roof of my closet, 298 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. which otherwise I certainly should have done, and sat on the top of it ; where I might at least preserve myself some hours longer, than by being shut up (as I may call it) in the hold. Or if I escaped these dangers for a day or two, what could I expect, but a miserable death of cold and hunger ? I was for four nours under these circumstances, expecting, and in- deed wishing every moment to be my last. I have already told the reader that there were two strong staples fixed upon that side of my box which had no window ; and into which the servant who used to carry me on horseback, would put a leathern belt, and buckle it about his waist. Being in this discon- solate state, I heard, or at least thought I heard, some kind of grating noise on that side of my box where the staples were fixed ; and soon after I began to fancy that the box was pulled or towed along the sea : for I now and then felt a sort of tugging, which made the waves rise near the tops of my windows, leaving me almost in the dark. This gave me some faint hopes of relief, although I was not able to imagine how it could be brought about. I ventured to un- screw one of my chairs, which were always fastened to the floor ; and having made a hard shift to screw it down again, directly under the slipping-board that I had lately opened, I mounted on the chair, and putting my mouth as near as I could to the hole, I called for help in a loud voice, and in all the lan- guages I understood. I then fastened my handker- chief to a stick I usually carried, and, thrusting it up the hole, waved it several times in the air, that if any A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 299 boat or ship were near, the seamen might conjecture some unhappy mortal to be shut up in the box. I found no effect from all I could do, but plainly perceived my closet to be moved along ; and in the space of an hour, or better, that side of the box where the staples were, and had no windows, struck against something that was hard. I apprehended it to be a rock, and found myself tossed more than ever. I plainly heard a noise upon the cover of my closet, like that of a cable, and the grating of it as it passed through the ring. I then found myself hoisted up, by degrees, at least three feet higher than I was before. Whereupon I again thrust up my stick and handkerchief, calling for help till I was almost hoarse. In return to which, I heard a great shout repeated ,three times, giving me such transports of joy, as are not to be conceived but by those who feel them. I now heard a trampling over my head, and somebody calling through the hole with a loud voice, in the English tongue, " If there be anybody below, let them speak." I answered, "I was an Englishman, drawn by ill fortune into the greatest calamity that ever any creature underwent, and begged by all that was moving, to be delivered out of the dungeon I was in." The voice replied, " I was safe, for my box was fastened to their ship ; and the carpenter should immediately come and saw a hole in the cover, large enough to pull me out." I answered " that was needless, and would take up too much time ; for there was no more to bo done, but let one of the crew put his finger into ths ring, and take the box out of the 300 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. sea into the ship, and so into the captain's cabin." Some of them, upon hearing me talk so wildly, thought -i was mad ; others laughed ; for indeed it never came into my head, that I was now got among people of my own stature and strength. The carpen- ter came, and in a few minutes sawed a passage about four feet square, then let down a small ladder, upon which I mounted, and thence was taken into the ship in a very weak condition. The sailors were all in amazement, and asked me a thousand questions, which I had no inclination to answer. I was equally confounded at the sight of so many pigmies, for such I took them to be, after having so long accustomed mine eyes to the monstrous objects I had left. But the captain, Mr. Thomas Wilcocks, an honest worthy Shropshire man, observ- ing I was ready to faint, took me into his cabin, gave me a cordial to comfort me, and made me turn in upon his own bed, advising me to take a little rest, of which I had great need. Before I went to sleep, I gave him to understand that I had some valuable fur- niture in my box, too good to be lost : a fine ham- mock, a handsome field-bed, two chairs, a table, and a cabinet ; that my closet was hung on all sides, or 1 There are several little incidents which show the author to have had a deep knowledge of human nature, and I think this is one. Although the principal advantages enumerated by Gulliver in the beginning of this chapter, of mingling again among his countrymen, depended on their being of the same size with him- self, yet this is forgotten in his ardour to be delivered : and he is afterwards betrayed into the same absurdity, by his zeal to pre- serve his furniture. Hawkesworth. A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 301 rather quilted, with silk and cotton ; that if he would let one of the crew bring my closet into his cabin, I would open it there before him, and show him my goods. The captain, hearing me utter these absurd, ities, concluded I was raving ; however (I suppose to pacify me) he promised to give order as I desired, and going upon deck, sent some of his men down into my closet, whence (as I afterwards found), they drew up all my goods, and stripped off the quilting ; but the chairs, cabinet, and bedstead, being screwed to the floor, were much damaged by the ignorance of the seamen, who tore them up by force. Then they knocked off some of the boards for the use of the ship, and when they had got all they had a mind for, let the hull drop into the sea, which, by reason of many breaches made in the bottom and sides, sunk outright. And, indeed, I was glad not to have been a spectator of the havoc they made ; because I am confident it would have sensibly touched me, by bringing former passages into my mind which I would rather have forgot. I slept some hours, but perpetually disturbed with dreams of the place I had left, and the dangers I had escaped. However, upon waking, I found myself much recovered. It was now about eight o'clock at night, and the captain ordered supper immediately, thinking I had already fasted too long. He enter- tained me with great kindness, observing me not to look wildly, or talk inconsistently ; and when we were left alone, desired I would give him a relation of my travels, and by what accident I camo to be set 26 302 GULLIVER S TRAVELS. adrift in that monstrous wooden chest. He said, " that about twelve o'clock at noon, as he was looking through his glass, he spied it at a distance, and thought it was a sail, which he had a mind to make, being not much out of his course, in hopes of buying some biscuit, his own beginning to fall short. That upon coming nearer, and finding his error, he sent out his long boat, to discover what it was ; that his men came back in a fright, swearing they had seen a swimming house. That he laughed at their folly, and went himself in the boat, ordering his men to take a strong cable along with them. That the weather being calm, he rowed round me several times, observed my win- dows and wire lattices that defended them. That he A VOYAGE TO BIIOBDINGNAG. 303 discovered two staples upon one side, which was all of boards, without any passage for light. He then commanded his men to row up to that side, and fastening a cable to one of the staples, ordered them to tow my chest, as they called it, toward the ship. When it was there, he gave directions to fasten another cable to the ring fixed in the cover, and to raise up my chest with' pulleys, which all the sailors were not able to do above two or three feet. He said, they saw my stick and handkerchief thrust out of the hole, and concluded that some unhappy man must be shut up in the cavity." I asked, " whether he or the crew had seen any prodigious birds in the air, about the time he first discovered me ?" To which he answered, " that discoursing this matter ,vvith the sailors while I was asleep, one of them said, he had observed three eagles flying towards the north, but remarked nothing of their being larger than the usual size ;" which I suppose must be imputed to the great height they were at ; and he could not guess the reason of my question. I then asked the captain, " how far he reckoned we might be from land ?" He said, " by the best computation he could make, we were at least a hundred leagues." I assured him that he must be mistaken by almost half, for I had not left the country whence I came, above two hours before I dropped into the sea." Whereupon he began again to think that my brain was disturbed, of which he gave me a hint, and advised me to go to bed in a cabin he had provided. I assured him, " I was well refreshed with his good entertainment and company, 304 GULLIVER S TRAVELS. and as much in my senses as ever I was in jny life." He then grew serious, and desired to ask me freely v " whether I were not troubled in my mind by the con- sciousness of some enormous crime, for which I waa punished, at the command of some prince, by ex- posing me in that chest ; as great criminals, in other countries, have been forced to sea in a leaky vessel, without provisions : for although he should be sorry to have taken so ill a man into his ship, yet he would engage his word to set me safe ashore, in the first port where we arrived ?" He added, " that his suspicions were much increased by some very absurd speeches I had delivered at first to his sailors, and afterwards to himself, in relation to my closet or chest, as well as by my odd looks and behaviour while I was at supper." I begged his patience to hear me tell my story, which I faithfully did, from the last time I left Eng- land, to the moment he first discovered me. And as truth always forces its way into rational minds, so this honest worthy gentleman, who had some tincture of learning, and very good sense, was immediately convinced of my candour and veracity. But, farther to confirm all I had said, I entreated him to give order that my cabinet should be brought, of which I had the key in my pocket ; for he had already in- formed me how the seamen disposed of my closet. I opened it in his own presence, and showed him the small collection of rarities I made in the country from which I had been so strangely delivered. There was the comb I had contrived out of the stumps of A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 305 i'iu king's beard, and another of the same materials, but fixed into a paring of her majesty's thumb nail, which served for the back. There was a collection of needles and pins, from a foot to half a yard long ; four wasp stings, like joiners' tacks ; some combings of the queen's hair ; a gold ring which one day she made me a present of, in a most obliging manner, taking it from her little finger, and throwing it over my head like a collar. I desired the captain would please to accept this ring in return of his civilities ; which he absolutely refused. I showed him a corn that I had cut off, with my own hand, from a maid of honour's toe ; it was about the bigness of a Kentish pippin, and grown so hard, that when I returned to England, I got it hollowed into a cup, and set in silver. Lastly, I desired him to see the breeches I had then on, which were made of a mouse's skin. I could force nothing on him but a footman's tooth, which I observed him to examine with great curiosi- ty, and found he had a fancy for it. He received it with abundance of thanks, more than such a trifle could deserve. It was drawn by an unskilful sur- geon, in a mistake, from one of Glumdalclitch's men, who was afflicted with the tooth-ache, but it was as sound as any in his head. I got it cleaned, and put it into my cabinet. It was about a foot long, and four inches in diameter. The captain was very well satisfied with this plain relation I had given him, 'and said, " he hoped, when we returned to England, I would oblige the world by putting it on paper, and making it public." My an. 26* 306 GULLIVER'S TRAVELS. swer was, " that I thought we were overstocked with books of travels; that nothing could now pass which was not extraordinary ; wherein, I doubted some au- thors less consulted truth, than their own vanity, or interest, or the diversion of ignorant readers ; tha my story could contain little besides common events without those ornamental descriptions of strange plants, trees, birds, and other animals ; or of the barbarous customs and idolatry of savage people, with which most writers abound." However, I thanked him for his good opinion, and promised to take the matter into my thoughts. He said, " he wondered at one thing very much, which was to hear me speak so loud ; asking me, whether the king and queen of that country were thick of hearing ?" I told him, " it was what I had been used to for above two years past, and that I admired as much at the voices of him and his men, who seemed to me only to whisper, and yet I could hear them well enough. But, when I spoke in that country, it was like a man talking in the streets, to another looking out from the top of a steeple, unless when I was placed on a table, or held in any person's hand." I told him, " I had likewise observed another thing, that when I first got into the ship, and the sailors stood all about me, I thought they were the most contemptible little creatures I had ever beheld." For, indeed, while I was in that prince's country, I could never endure to look in a glass after mine eyes had been accustomed to such prodigious objects, because the comparisons gave me so despicable a conceit of myself. The cap- A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG. 307 ages. TALE OF A TUB, WRITTEN FOR THE UNIVERSAL IMPROVEMENT OF MANKIND. DID MULTUMQCE DESIDERATUM. TO WHICH ARE ADDED, AN ACCOUNT OF A BATTLE BETWEEN THE ANCIENT AND MODERN BOOKS 3n Qt. James's ibrars, AND A DISCOURSE CONCERNING THE MECHANICAL OPERATIONS OF THE SPIRIT. BY JONATHAN SWIFT, D. D., AND DEAN OF SAINT PATRICK'S, DUBLIN. WITH THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY, AND EXPLANATORY NOTES, BY W. WOTTON, D. D. AND OTHERS. Bat/ma cacabassa eanaa, irraumista diaraba cagota bafobor camelanthL IREN., lib. i. c. 18 Juvatque novos decerpere flores, Insignemque meo capiti petere inde corotiam, Unde priua nulli velarunt tempora muss, LUCBET. Ridentem dicere quid vetatl HORACE. NEW-YORK: LEAVITT & ALLEN, 27 DEY STREET. 1853. AN APOLOGY FOR THE AUTHOR. fp good and ill-nature equally operated upon mankind. I f eating lice, styled here creatures that feed on human gore. A TALE OF A TUB. 51 as the god of seamen, or on account of certain other mystical attributes, hath not been sufficiently cleared. The worshippers of this deity had also a system of their bplief, which seemed to turn upon the following fundamental. They held the universe to be a large suit of clothes, which invests every thing : That the earth is invested by the air; the air is invested by the stars ; and the stars are invested by ihe primum mobile. Look on this globe of earth, you will find it to be a very complete and fashionable dress. What is that which some call land, but a tine coat, faced with green ? or the sea, but a waistcoat of water-tabby ? Proceed to the particular works of the creation, you will find how curious journeyman nature hath been, to trim up the vegetable beaux : observe how sparkish a periwig adorns the head of a beech, and what a fine doublet of white satin is worn by the birch. To conclude from all, what is man himself, but a micro coat;* or rather a complete suit of clothes, with all its trimmings? As to his body, there can be no dispute. But examine even the acquirements of his mind, you will find them all contribute in-their order, towards furnishing out an exact dress. To instance no more; is not religion a cloak ; honesty a pair of shoes, worn out in the dirt; self-love a surtout; vanity a shirt; and conscience a pair of breeches, which, though a cover for lewdness as well as nastiness, is easily slipt down for the service of both 1 These postulata being admitted, it will follow in due course of reasoning, that those beings, which the world calls impro- perly suits of clothes, are in reality the most refined species of animals; or, to proceed higher, that they are rational creatures, or men. For is it not manifest, that they live, and move, and talk, and perform all other offices of human life 1 ? Are not beauty, and wit, and mien, and breeding, their inseparable properties ? In short, we see nothing but them, hear nothing but them. Is it not they who walk the streets, fill up parlia- ment , coffee , play , bawdy houses 1 It is true indeed, that these animals, which are vulgarly called suits of clothes, or dresses, do according to certain compositions, receive differ- ent appellations. If one of them be trimmed up with a gold chain, and a red gown, and a while rod, and a great horse, it is called a Lord Mayor: if certain ermins and furs be placed in a certain position, we style them a judge; and so, an apt conjunction of lawn and black satin, we entitle a bishop. Others of these professors, though agreeing in the mam * Alluding to the word microcosm, or a little world, aa man hath been called by philosophers. 52 A TALK OF A TUB. system, were yet more refined upon certain branch^ of if, and held that man was an animal compounded of two dresses, the natural and the celestial suit; which were the Lody and the soul; that the soul was the outward, and the body the in- ward clothing ; that the latter was ex traduce, but the former of daily creation and circumfusion. This last they proved by scripture ; because in them we live, and move, and have our being ; as likewise by philosophy, because they are all in all, and all in every part. Besides, said they, separate these two, and you will find the body to be only a senseless unsavoury carcass. By all which it is manifest, that the outward dress must needs be the soul. To 'this system of religion were tagged several subaltern doctrines, which were entertained with great vogue ; as, par- ticularly, the faculties of the mind were deduced by the learned among them in this manner. Embroidery was sheer wit; gold fringe was agreeable conversation ; gold lace was repartee : a huge long periwig was humour; and a coat full of powder was very good raillery. All which required abundance of finesse and delicatesse to manage with advantage, as well as a strict observance after times and fashions. I have, with much pains and reading, collected out of an- cient authors this short summary of a body of philosophy and divinity ; which seems to have been composed by a vein and race of thinking, very different from any other systems, either ancient or modern. And it was not merely to entertain or satisfy the reader's curiosity, but rather to give him light into several circumstances of the following story ; that knowing the state of dispositions and opinions in an age so remote, he may better comprehend those great events which were the issue of them. I advise therefore the courteous reader, to peruse, with a world of application, again and again, what- ever I have written upon this matter. And so leaving these broken ends, I carefully gather up the chief thread of my story, and proceed. These opinions therefore were so universal, as well as the practices of them, among the refined part of court and town, that our three brother-adventurers, as their circumstances then stood, were strangely at a loss. For, on the one side, ths three ladies they addressed themselves to, (whom we have named already,) were ever at the very top of the fashion, and abhorred all that were below it but the breadth of an hair. On the other side, their father's will was very precise ; and it was the main precept in it, with the greatest penalties annexed. Not to add to, or diminish from their coats, one thread, with- A TALE OF A TUB. 53 out a positive command in the will. Now, the coals their father had left them, were, it is true, of very gopd cloth ; and, besides, so neatly sewn, you would swear they were all of a piece; but, at the same time, very plain, and with little or no ornament.* And it happened, that, before they were a month in town, great shoulder-knots came up :f straight all the world was shoulder-knots ; no approaching the ladies ruelks, without the quota of shoulder- knots. "That fellow (cries one) has no soul; where is his shoulder-knot?" Our three brethren soon discovered their want by sad experience, meeting in their walks \yith forty mortifications and indignities. If they went to the play-house, the door-keeper showed them into the twelve-penny gallery ; if they called a boat, says a waterman, I am first sculler ; if they stepped to the Rose to take a bottle, the drawer would cry, Friend, we sell no ale; if they went to visit a lady, a footman met them at the door, with Pray send up your message. In this unhappy case they went immedi- ately to consult their father's will ; read it over and over, but not a word of the shoulder-knot. What should they do? What temper should fhey find? Obedience was absolutely necessary ; and yet shoulder-knots appeared extremely re- quisite. After much thought, one of the brothers who hap- pened to be more book-learned than the other two, said he had found an expedient. "It is true (said he) there is nothing here in this will, totidem verbis,^ making mention of shoulder- * The first part of the Tale is the history of Peter ; thereby Popery is exposed : every body knows the Papists have made great additions to Christianity ; that indeed is the great exception which the church of England makes against them ; accordingly Peter begins his pranks with adding a shoulder-knot to his coat. VV. Wotton. His description of the cloth of which the coat was made, has a farther meaning than the words may seem to import : " The coats their father had left them, were of very good cloth; and, besides, so neatly sewn, you would swear they had been all of a piece : but, at the same time, very plain, with little or no ornament." This is the distinguishing character of the Christian religion. Christiana religio absoluta et sim- plex, was Ammianus Marcellinus's description of it, who was him- self a heathen. W. Wotton. t By this is understood the first introducing of a pageantry, and un necessary ornaments in the church, such as were neither for conveni- ence nor edification ; as a shoulder-knot, in^which there is neither symmetry nor use. t When the Papists canr.ot find any thing which they want in scripture, they go to oral tradition. Thus Peter is introduced satisfied with the tedious way of looking for all the letters of any word which he has occasion for, in the will ; when neither the constituent syllables, nor much less the whole word, were there in terminis.- -VV. Wotton. E2 64 A TALE OF A TUB. knots; but I dare conjecture we may find them inclusive, or totidem syllabis." This distinction was immediately approved by all; and so they fell again to examine the will. But their evil star had so directed the matter, that the first syllable was not to be found in the whole writing. Upon which disap- pointment, he who found the former evasion, took heart, and said, "Brothers, there is yet hopes; for though we cannot find them tolidem verbis, nor totidem syllabis, 1 dare engage we shall make them out terlio modo, or totidem literis." This discovery was also highly commended : upon which they fell once more to the scrutiny, and soon picked out S,H,O,U,L,- D,E,R ; when the same planet, enemy to their repose, had wonderfully contrived that K was not to be found. Here was a weighty difficulty ! But the distinguishing brother, (for whom we shall hereafter find a name,) now his hand was in, proved, by a very ood argument, that K was a modern illegit- imate letter, unknown to the learned ages, nor any where to be found in ancient manuscripts. " It is true (said he) the word Calendai hath in Q. V. C.* f been sometimes wrote with aK, but erroneously; for in the best copies it is ever spelt with a C. And by consequence it was a gross mistake in our language, to spell knot with a K; but that from henceforward he would take care it should be written with a C." Upon this, all farther difficulty vanished; shoulder-knots were made clearly out to be Jure paterno; and our three gentlemen swag- gered with as large and as flaunting ones as the best. But as human happiness is of very short duration, so in those days were human fashions, upon which it entirely de- pends. Shoulder-knots had their time; and we must now imagine them in their decline: for :\ certain lord came just from Paris with fifty yards of gold-lace upon his coat . exactly trimmed after the court-fashion of that month. In two days, all mankind appeared closed up in bars of gold-lace . Who- ever durst peep abroad without his compliment of gold-lace, was as scandalous as a , and as ill received among the women. What should our three knights do in this moment- ous affair? They had sufficiently strained a point already, in the affair of shoulder-knots. Upon recourse to the will, nothing appeared there but altum silentium. That of the shoul- der-knots was a loose, flying, circumstantial point; but this [* Quibusdam veteribus cpdicibu*.] t Some ancient manuscripts. t I cannot tell, whether the author means any new innovation by this word, or whether it be only to introduce the new methods ot forcing and perverting scripture. A TALE OF A TUB. 59 of gold-lace seemed too considerable an alteration, without better warrant; it did allquo modo essenticeadIuErere,and there- fore required a positive precept. But about this time it fell out, that the learned brother aforesaid had read Jlristotelis Dialectica; and especially that wonderful piece de Interpreta- tione, which has the faculty of teaching its readers to find out a meaning in every thing but itself, like commentators on the Revelations, who proceed prophets without understanding a syllable of the text. "Brothers, (said he) you are to be in- formed, that of wills, duosunt genera, nuncupatory and scrip- tory. That in the scriptory will here before us, there is no precept or mention about gold-lace, conceditur; but si idem qffirmetur de nuncupatorio, negatur. For, brothers, if you re- member, we heard a fellow say, when we were boys, that he heard my father's man say, that he heard my father say, that he would advise his sons to get gold-lace on their coats, as soon as ever they could procure money to buy it." " By G that is very true," cries the other; " I remember it perfectly well," said the third. And so, without more ado, they got the largest gold-lace in the parish, and walked about as fine as lords. A while after, there came up all in fashion, a pretty sort of flame-coloured satin* for linings; and the mercer brought a pattern of it immediately to our three gentlemen. " Ain't please your Worships, (said he,) My Lord C and Sir J. W.f had linings out of this very piece last night. It takes wonder- fully ; and I shall not have a remnant left, enough to make my wife a pin-cushion, by to-morrow morning at ten o'clock." Upon this they fell again to rummage the will, because the present case also required a positive precept; the lining being * This is purgatory, whereof he speaks more particularly hereafter ; but here, only to show how scripture was perverted to prove it ; which was done, by giving equal authority, with the canon, to Apocrypha, called here a codicil annexed. It is likely the author, in every one of these changes in the brother's dresses, refers to some particular error in the church of Rome ; though it is not easy, I think, to apply them all. But by this of flame-coloured satin u manifestly intended purgatory ; by gold-lace may perhaps be understood the lofty ornaments and plate in the churches. The shoulder-knots and silver fringe are not so obvious, at least to me. But the Indian figures of men, women and children, plairtly relate to the pictures in the Romish churches, of God like an old man, of the virgin Mary, and our Saviour as a child. t This shows the time the author writ ; it being about fourteen years since those two persons were reckoned the fine gejatlemen of the town. 56 A TALE OP A TUB. held by orthodox writers to be of the essence of the coat. After long search they could fix up nothing to the matter in hand, except a short advice of their father's in the will, to take care of fire, and put out their candles before they went to sleep.* This, though a good deal for the purpose, and helping very far towards self-conviction, yet not seeming wholly of force to establish a command ; and being resolved to avoid farther scruple, as well as future occasion for scandal, says he that was the scholar, " I remember to have read in wills, of a codicil annexed ; which is indeed a part of the will ; and what it contains, hath equal authority with the rest. Now, I have been considering of this same will here before us ; and I can- nol reckon it to be complete, for want of such a codicil. I will therefore fasten one in its proper place very dexterously. I have had it by me some time. It was written by a dog- keeper of my grandfather's ;f and alks a great deal, as good luck would have it, of this very flame-coloured satin." The project was immediately approved by the other two ; an old parchment scroll was tagged on according to art, in the form of a codicil annexed, and the satin bought and worn. Next winter, a player, hired for the purpose by the corpo- ration of fringe-makers, acted his part in a new comedy, all covered with silver-fringe ;J and, according to the laudable custom, gave rise to that fashion. Upon which, the brothers consulting their father's will, to their great astonishment found these words : " Item, I charge and command my said three sons, to wear no sort of silver-fringe upon or about their said coats, &,c." with a penalty in case of disobedience, too long here to insert. However, after some pause, the brother so often mentioned for his erudition, who was well skilled in criticisms, had found, in a certain author, which he said should be nameless, that the same word, whfch in the will is called fringe, does also signify a broom-stick, and doubtless ought to have the same interpretation in this paragraph. This, an- other of the brothers disliked, because of that epithet silver; which could not, be humbly conceived, in propriety of speech, * That is, to take care of hell ; and, in order to do that, to subdue and extinguish their lusts. 1 1 believe this refer% to that part of the Apocrypha where mention is made of Tobit and his dog. J This is certainly the farther introducing the pomps of habit and ornament. _ $ The next subject of our author's wit is the glosses and interpreta- tions of scripture, very many absurd ones of which are allowed in the most authentic books of the church of Rome. W. Wotton. A TALE OP A TUB. 5? toe reasonably applied to a broom-stick. B it it was repued upon him, that this epithet was understood in a mythological and allegorical sense. However, he objected again, why their father should forbid them to wear a broom-stick on their coats; a caution that seemed unnacural and impertinent. Upon which, he was taken up short, as one that spoke irreverently of a mystery ; which doubtless was very useful and significant, but ought not to be over-curiously pried into, or nicely reasoned upon. And, in short, their father's authority being now con- siderably sunk, this expedient was allowed to serve ?s a lawful dispensation, for wearing their full proportion of silver-fringe. A while after, was revived an old fashion, long antiquated, )f embroidery, with Indian figures of men, women and chil- dren.* Here they had no occasion to examine the will. They remembered but too well, how their father had always abhor- red this fashion ; that he made several paragraphs on purpose, importing his utter detestation of it, and bestowing his ever- lasting curse to his sons, whenever they should wear it. For all this, in a few days, they appeared higher in the fashion than any body else in the town. But they solved the matter, by saying, that these figures were not at'all the same with those that were formerly worn, and were meant in the will. Besides, they did not wear them in that sense as forbidden by their father, but as they were a commendable custom, and of great use to the public. That these rigorous clauses in the will did therefore require some allowance, and a favourable interpretation, and ought to be understood cum grano sails. But fashions perpetually altering in that age, the scholastic brother grew weary of searching farther evasions, and solving everlasting contradictions. Resolved therefore, at all hazards, to comply with the modes of the world, they concerted matters together, and agreed unanimously, to lock up their father's will in a strong box,f brought out of Greece or Italy, I have forgot which ; and trouble themselves no farther to examine it, but only refer to its authority whenever they thought fit * The images of saints, the blessed virgin, and our Saviour, an infant. Ibid. Images in the church of Rome give him but too fair a handle, The brothers remembered, &c. The allegory here is direct. VV. Wotton. t The Papists formerly forbade the people the use of the scripture in a vulgar tongue ; Peter therefore locks up his father's will in a strong box, brought out of Greece or Italy. Those countries are named, because me New Testament is wrtten in Greek ; and the vulgar Latin, which is the authentic edition of the Bible in th church of Rome, is in the language of old Italy. W. Wotton. 58 A TALK OF A TUB. la consequence whereof, a while after, it grew a general mode to wear an infinite number of points, most of them tagged with silver. Upon wiich, the scholar pronounced ex cathedra* that points were absolutely jure paterno as they might very well remember. It is true indeed, the fashion prescribed some- what more than were directly named in the will ; however that they, as heirs general of their father, had power to make and add certain clauses for public emolument, though notdeducible, totidem verbis, from the letter of the will ; or else multa absurda aequerentur. This was understood for canonical ; and there- fore on the following Sunday they came to church all covered with points. The learned brother, so often mentioned, was reckoned the best scholar in all that or the next street to it; insomuch as, having run something behind-hand with the world, he obtained the favour from a certain lord,f to receive him into his house, and to teach his children. A while after, the lord died; and he, by long practice upon his father's will, found the way of contriving a deed of conveyance of that house to himself and his heirs. Upon which he took possession, turned the young squires out, and received his brothers in their stead. J SECTION. III. A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS. THOUGH I have been hitherto as cautious as I could, upon all occasions, most nicely to follow the-rules and methods' of * The Popes, in their decretals and bulls, have given their sanction 10 very many gainful doctrines, which are now received in the church of Rome, that are not mentioned in scripture, and were unknown to the primitive church. Peter accordingly pronounces ex cathedra. That points tagged with silver were absolutely jure paterno; and so they wore them in great numbers. VV. Wotton. tThis was Constantine the Great, from whom the Popes pretend a donation of St. Peter's patrimony, which they have been never able to produce. 1 Ibid. The bishops of Rome enjoyed their privileges in Rome at first by the favour of the emperors, whom at last they shut out of their own capital city, and then forged a donation from Constantina the Great, the better to justify what they did. In imitaiion of this, Peter, " having run something behind-hand in the world, obtained leave of a certain lord, &c." W. Wotton. A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS. 59 writing laid down by the example of our illustrious moderns; yet has the unhappy shortness of my memory led me into an error; from which I must immediately extricate myself, before I can decently pursue my principal subject. I confess with shame it was an unpardonable omission to proceed so far as I have already done, before I had performed the due discourses, expostulatory, supplicatory, or deprecatory, with my good lords the critics. Towards some atonement for this griev- ous neglect, I do here make humbly bold to present them with. a short account of themselves and their art, by looking into the original and pedigree of the word, as it is generally under- stood among us, and considering the ancient and present state thereof very briefly. By the word critic, at this day so frequent in all conversa- tions, there have sometimes been distinguished three very differ- ent species of mortal men, according as I have read in ancient books and pamphlets. For, first, by this term were under- stood such persons as invented or drew up rules for themselves and the world ; by observing which a careful reader might be able to pronounce upon the productions of the learned, from his tastetoa truerelish of the sublime and theadmirable,and divide every beauty of matter or of style from the corruption that apes it:' in their common perusal of books, singling out the errors and defects, the nauseous, the fulsome, the dull, and the im- pertinent, with the caution of a man that walks through Edinburgh streets in a morning; who is indeed as careful as he can, to watch diligently, and spy out the filth in his way ; not that he is curious to observe the colour and complexion of the ordure, or take its dimensions, much less to be paddling in, or tasting it; but only with a design to come out as cleanly as he may. These men seem, though very erroneously, to have understood the appellation of critic in a literal sense; that one principal part of his office was to praise, and acquit; and that of a critic, who sets up to read only for an occasion of censure and reproof, is a creature as barbarous as a judge who should take up a resolution to hang all men that came before him upon a trial. Again, by the word critic, have been meant the restorers of ancient learning from the worms, and graves, and dust of manuscripts. Now, the races of these two have been for some ages utterly extinct; and besides, to discourse any farther of them, would not be at all to my purpose. The third and noblest sort, is that of the TRUE CRITIC, whose originial is the most ancient of all. Every true critic is a hero 60 A TALE OF A TUB. born, decending iu a direct line from a celestial stem, by Momus and Hybris, who begat Zoilus, who begat Tigellius, who begat Etcaetera the elder, who begat B tley, and Rym-r, and W-tton. and Perrault, and Dennis, who begat Etcastera the younger. And these are the critics from whom the commonwealth of learning has in all ages received such immense benefits, that the gratitude of their admirers placed their origin in heaven, among those of Hercules, Theseus, Perseus, and other great deservers of mankind. But heroic virtue itself hath not been exempt from the obloquy of evil tongues. For it hath been objected, That those ancient heroes, famous for their combating so many giants and dragons, and robbers, were in their own persons a greater nuisance to mankind, than any of those mon- sters they subdued ; and therefore, to render their obligations more complete, when all other vermin were destroyed, should in conscience have concluded with the same justice upon them- selves; as Hercules most generously did; and hath, upon that score, procured to himself more temples and votaries than the best of his fellows. For these reasons, I suppose, it is, why some have conceived, it would be very expedient for the public good of learning, that every true critic, as soon as he had finished his task assigned, should immediately deliver himself up to ratsbane, or hemp, or from some convenient latitude; and that no man's pretensions to so illustrious a character should by any means be received, before that operation was performed. Now, from this heavenly descent of criticism, and the close analogy it bears to heroic virtue, it is easy to assign the proper employment of a true, ancient, genuine critic; which is, to travel through this vast world of writings; to pursue and hunt those monstrous faults bred within them ; to drag out the lurking errors, like Cacus from his den ; to multiply them like Hydra's heads, and rake them together like Augeas's dung; or else drive away a sort of dangerous fowl, who have a perverse inclination to plunder the best branches of the tree of knowledge; like those Stimphalian birds that eat up the fruit. These reasonings will furnish us with an adequate definition of a true critic ; that he is a discoverer and a collector of writer's faults. Which may be farther put beyond dispute by the follow- ing demonstration : That whoever will examine the writings in all kinds, wherewith this ancient sect has honoured the World, shall immediately find, from the whole thread and lenor 1 DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS. 61 of them, that the ideas of the authors have been altogether conversant and taken up with the faults, and blemishes, and oversights, and mistakes of other writers; and let the subject treated on be whatever it will, their imaginations are so entirely possessed and replete with the defects of other pens,, that the very quintessence of what is bad, does of necessity distil into their own; by which means, the whole appears to be nothing else but an abstract of the criticisms themselves have made. Having thus briefly considered the original and office of a critic, as the word is understood in its most noble and univer- sal acceptation, I proceed to refute the objections of those who argue from the silence and pretermission of authors ; by which they pretend to prove, that the very art of criticism, as now exercised, and by me explained, is wholly modern ; and con- sequently that the critics of Great Britain and France have no title to an original so ancient and illustrious as I have deduced. Now, if I can clearly make out, on the contrary, that the most ancient writers have particularly described both the person and office of a true critic agreeable to the definition laid down by me ; their grand objection, from the silence of authors, will fall to the ground. I confess to have for a long time borne a part in tLis general error; from which I should never have acquitted myself, but through the assistance of our noble moderns; whose most edifying volumes I turn indefatigably over night and day, for the improvement of my mind, and the good of my country. These have with unwearied pains made many useful searches into the weak sides of the ancients, and given us a comprehen- sive list of them. Besides, they have proved beyond contra- diction, that the very finest things, delivered of old, have been long since invented, and brought to light by much later pens;* and that the noblest discoveries those ancients ever made, of art or of nature, have all been produced by the transcending genius of the present age: which clearly shows how little merit those ancients can justly pretend to ; and takes off that blind admiration paid them by men in a corner, who have the unhappiness of conversing loo little with present things. Reflecting maturely upon all this, and taking in the whole compass of human nature, I easily concluded, that these ancients, highly sensible of their many imperfections, must needs have endeavoured, from some passages in their works, to obviate, soften, or divert the censorious reader, by satire or [* See Wotton of ancient and modern learning.] F 62 A TALE OF A TUB. panegyric upon the critics, in imitation of their master>, tht moderns. Now in the common places of both these,* 1 was plentifully instructed, by a long course of useful study in pre- faces and prologues; and therefore immediately resolved to try what I could discover of either, by a diligent perusal ol the most ancient writers, and especially those who treated of the earliest times. Here I found to my great surprise, that al- though they all entered, upon occasion, into particular de- scriptions of the true critic, according as they were governed by their fears or their hopes; yet whatever they touched of that kind, was with abundance of caution, adventuring no farther than mythology and hieroglyphic. This, I suppose, gave ground to superficial readers, for urging the silence of authors, against the antiquity of the true critic ; though the types are so apposite, and the applications so necessary and nat- ural, that it is not easy to conceive, how any reader of a mo- dern eye and taste could overlook them. 1 shall venture from a great number to produce a few, which I am very confident will put this question beyond dispute. It well deserves considering, that these ancient writers, in treating enigmatically upon the subject, have generally fixed upon the very same hieroglyph; varying only the story, according to their affections or their wit. For, first, Pausa- nius is of opinion, that the perfection of writing correct was entirely owning to the institution of critics; and that he can possibly mean no other than the true critic, is, I think, mani- fest enough from the following description. He says,f " They were a race of men, who delighted to nibble at the superfluities and excrescences of books ; which the learned at length ob- serving, took warning of their own accord, to lop the luxuriant, the rotten, the dead, the sapless, and the overgrown branches from their works. But now all this he cunningly shades under the following allegory : " That the Nauplians in Argia learn ed the art of pruning their vines, by observing, that when an ASS had browsed upon one of them, it throve the belter, and bore fairer fruit." But Herodotus,:f holding the very same hieroglyph, speaks much plainer, and almost in terminis. He hath been so bold as to tax the true critics of ignorance and malice ; tells us openly, for I think nothing can be plainer, that " in the western part of Lybia there were ASSES with HORNS." Upon which relation Ctesias$yet refines, men- tioning the very same animal about India, adding, " That [* Satire and panegyric upon critics.] [t Lib. ] [t Lib. 4 ] ft Vide excerpta ex eo apud Photium.] A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS. 63 whereas all other ASSES wanted a gall, these horned ones were so redundant in that part, that their flesh was not to be eaten because of its extreme bitterness." Now, the reason why those ancient writers treated this sub- ject only by types and figures, was, because they durst not make open attacks against a party so potent and so terrible, as the critics of those ages were ; whose very voice was so dread- ful, that a legion of authors would tremble, and drop their pens at the sound : for so Herodotus tells us expressly in ano- ther place,* how a "vast army of Scythians was put to flight in a panic terror, by the braying of an ASS." From hence it is conjectured by certain profound philologers, that the great awe and reverence paid to a true critic by the writers of Bri- tain, have been derived to us from those our Scythian ancestors. In short, this dread was so universal, that, in process oi time, those authors who had a mind t& publish their sentiments more freely, in describing the true critics of their several ages, were forced to leave off the use of the former hieroglyph, as too nearly approaching the prototype, and invented other terms instead thereof, that were more cautious and mystical. So, Diodorus,f speaking to the same purpose, 'ventures no farther than to say, that "in the mountains of Helicon there grows a certain weed, which bears a flower of so damned a scent, as to poison those who offer to smell it." Lucretius gives exactly the same relation : Est etiam in magnis Heliconis montibus arbos, Floris odore hominem retro consueta necare.J. lib. 6. But Ctesias, whom we lately quoted, hath been a great deal bolder. He had been used with much severity by the true critics of his own age, and therefore could not forbear to leave behind him at least one deep mark of his vengence against the whole tribe. His meaning is so near the surface, that I won- der how it possibly came to be overlooked by those who deny the antiquity of the true critics. For, pretending to make a description of many strange animals about India, he hath set down these remarkable words. " Amongst the rest, (says he,) there is a serpent that wants teeth, and consequently cannot bite; but if its vomit (to which it is much addicted) happens to fall upon any thing, a certain rottenness or corruption ensues. These serpents are generally found among the mountains [* Lib. 4.J [t Lib.] J Near Helicon, and round the learned hill, Grows trees, whose blossoms with their odour kill. 64 A TALE OF A TUB. where jewels grow; and they frequently emit a poisonous juice ; whereof whoever drinks, that person's brains fly out of his nostrils." There was also among the ancients a sort of critic, not dis- tinguished in specie from the former, but in growth or degree, who seem to have been only the tyro's or junior scholars; yet, because of their differing employments, they are frequently mentioned as a sect by themselves. The usual exercise of these yonger students was to attend constantly at theatres, *nd learn to spy out the worst parts of the play ; whereof they were obliged carefully to take note, and render a rational ac- ;ount to their tutors. Flushed at these smaller sports, like young wolves, they grew up in time to be nimble and strong fnough for hunting down large game. For it hath been ob- served, both among ancients and moderns, that a true critic hath one quality in common with a whore and an alderman, never to change his title or his nature; that a gray critic has been certainly a green one, the perfections and acquirements of his age being only the improved talents of his youth ; like hemp, which some naturalists inform us, is bad for suffocations, though taken but in the seed. I esteem the invention, or at least the refinement of prologues, to have been owing to these younger proficients, of whom Terence makes frequent and honourable mention, under the name ofnudevoli. Now, it is certain, the institution of the true critics was of absolute necessity to the commonwealth of learning. For all human actions seem to be divided like Themistocles and his company : one man can fiddle, and another can make a small town a great city ; and he that cannot do either one or the other, deserves to be kicked out of the creation. The avoiding of which penalty, has doubtless given the first birth to the nation of critics; and withal, an occasion for their secret de- tractors to report, that a true critic is a sort of mechanic, set up with a stock and tools for his trade, at as little expense as a tailor ; and that there is much analogy between the utensils and abilities of both ; that the tailor's hell is the type of a critic's common-place-book, and his wit and learning held forth by the goose ; that it requires at least as many of these to the making up of one scholar, as of the others to the composition of a man ; that the valour of both is equal, and their weapons near of a size. Much may be said in answer to these invid- ious reflections; and I can positively affirm the first to be a falsehood ; for, on the contrary, nothing is more certain, than that it requires greater layings out, to be free of the critic's company, than of any other you can name. For, as to be a A DIGRESSION CONCERNING CRITICS. 65 true beggar, it will cost the richest candidate every groat he is worth ; so before one can commence a true critic, it will cost a man all the good qualities of his mind ; which, perhaps, for a less purchase, would be thought but an indifferent bar- gain. Having thus amply proved the antiquity of criticism, and described the primitive state of it ; I shall now examine the present condition of this empire, and show how well it agrees with its ancient self. A certain author, whose works have many ages since been entirely lost, does, in his fifth book and eighth chapter, say of critics, that " their writings are the mirrors of learning."* This I understand in a literal sense ; and suppose our author must mean, that whoever designs to be a perfect writer, must inspect into the book of critics, and correct his invention there as in a mirror. Now, whoever considers that the mirrors of the ancients were made of brass, and five Mercurio, may presently apply the two principal qualifications of a true modern critic ; and, consequently, must needs conclude, that these have always been, and must be for ever the same. For brass is an emblem of duration ; and, when it is skilfully burnished, will cast reflections from its own superficies, without any assistance of Mercury from be- hind. All the other talents of a critic will not require a par- ticular mention, being included, or easily deducible to these. However, I shall conclude with three maxims, which may serve both as characteristics to distinguish a true modern critic rom a pretender, and will be also of admirable use to those worthy spirits who engage in so useful and honourable an art. The first is, That criticism, contrary to all other faculties of the intellect, is ever held the truest and best, when it is the very first result of the critic's mind ; as fowlers reckon the first aim for the surest, and seldom fail of missing the mark, if they stay not for a second. Secondly, the true critics are ku >wn by their talent of swarm- ing about the noblest writers ; to which they are carried merely by instinct, as a rat to the best cheese, or a wasp to the fairest fruit. So when the king is on horseback, he is sure to be the dirtiest person in the company ; and they that make their court oest, are such as bespatter him most. Lastly, A true critic, in the perusal of a book, is like a dog at a feast, whose thoughts and stomach are wholly set upon [* A quotation, after the manner of a great author. FwfeBentley'a Dissertation, &c.] F3 66 A TALE OF A TUB. what the guests fling away, and consequently is apt to snar, most when there are the fewest bones. Thus much, I think, is sufficient to serve by way of address to my patrons, the true modern critics ; and may very well atone for my past silence, as well as that which I am like to observe for the future. I hope I have deserved so well of their whole body, as to meet with generous and tender usage at their hands. Supported by which expectation, I go on boldly to pursue those adventures already begun. SECTION IV. A TALE OF A TUB. I HAVE now, with much pains and study, conducted the reader to a period where he must expect to hear of great revolutions. For, no sooner had our learned brother, so often mentioned, got a warm house of his ow over his head, than he began to look big, and take mightily upon him ; insomuch that unless the gentle reader, out of his great candour, will please a little to exalt his idea, I am afraid he will henceforth hardly know the hero of the play, when he happens to meet him; his port, his dress, and his mien, being so much altered. He told his brothers, he would have them to know that he was their elder, and consequently his father's sole heir; nay, a while after, he would not allow them to call him Brother, but Mr. Peter: and then he must be styled Father Peter: and sometimes, My Lord Peter. To support this grandeur, which he soon began to consider could not be maintained without a better fonde than what he was born to; after much thought, he cast about at last to turn projector and virtuoso; wherein he so well succeeded, that many famous discoveries, projects, and machines, which bear great vogue and practice at present in the world, are owing entirely to Lord Peter's invention. I will deduce the best account I have been able to collect of the chief amongst them; without considering much the order they came out in ; because, I think, authors are not well agreed as to that point. I hope, when this treatise of mine shall be translated into foreign languages, (as I may without vanity affirm that the labour of collecting, the faithfulness in recounting, and the great usefulness of the matter to the public, will amply desei ve A TALE OF A TUB. 67 that justice,) that the worthy members of the several academies abroad, especially those of Prance and Italy, will favourably accept those humble offers for the advancement of universal knowledge. I do also advertise the most reverend fathers the eastern missionaries, that I have purely for their sakes made use of such words and phtases, as will best admit an easy turn into any of the oriental languages, especially the Chinese. And so I proceed with great content of mind, upon reflecting how much emolument this whole globe of earth is like to reap by my labours. The first undertaking of Lord Peter was, to purchase a large continent,* lately said to have been discovered in terra australis incognita. This track of land he bought at a very great penny- worth from the discoverers themselves, (though some pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there;) and then retailed it into several cantons to certain dealers, who carried over colonies, but were all shipwrecked in the voyage. Upon which Lord Peter sold the said continent to other customers again, and again, and again, and again, with the same success. The second project I shall mention, was his sovereign remedy for the wormsf especially those in the spleen. The patient was to eat nothing after supper for three nights.J As soon as he went to bed, he was carefully to lie on one side ; and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other. He must also duly confine his two eyes to the same object; and by no means break wind at both ends together, without manifest occasion. These prescriptions, diligently observed, the worms would void insensibly by perspiration, ascending through the brain. A third invention was the erecting of a whispering-office, for the public good and ease of all such as are hypochondriacal, or troubled with the colic; as likewise of all eves-droppers physicians, midwives, small politicians, friends fallen-put, repeating poets, lovers, happy, or in despair, bawds, privy- * That is, purgatory. t Penance and absolution are played upon, under the notion of a sovereign remedy for the worms, especally in the spleen; which,. by observing Peter's prescription, would void insensibly by perspiration, ascending through the brain, &c. W. Wotton. t Here the author ridicules the penances of the church of Rome ; which may be made as easy as the sinner pleases, provided he wil; pay for them accordingly. $ By his whispering-office, for the relief of eves-droppers, physicians, bawds, and privy-counsellors, he ridicules auricular confession, and the priest who takes it is described by the ass's head. W. Wotton. 88 A TALE OP 4. TUB. counsellors, pages, parasites, and buffoons ; in short, of all such as are in danger of bursting with too much wind. An ass's head was placed so conveniently that the party affected might easily with his mouth accost either of the animal's ears ; which he was to apply close for a certain space, and, by a fugitive faculty, peculiar to the ears of that animal, receive immediate benefit, either by eructation, or expiration, or evomition. Another very beneficial project of Lord Peter's was, an office of insurance,* for tobacco-pipes, martyrs of the modern zeal; volumes of poetry, shadows, - -- and rivers; that these, nor of any these, shall receive damage by fire. From whence our friendly societies may plainly find themselves to be only transcribers from this original; though the one and the other have been of great benefit to the undertakers, as well as of equal to the public. Lord Peter was also held the original author of puppets and raree-shows ;f the great usefulness whereof being so generally known, I shall not enlarge father upon this particular. But .another discovery for which he was much renowned, was his famous universal pickle.J For, having remarked how your common pickle, in use among housewives, was of no far- ther benefit than to preserve dead flesh, and certain kind of vege- tables ; Peter, with great cost, as well as art, had contrived a pickle, proper for houses, gardens, towns, men, women, child- ren, and cattle, wherein he could preserve them as sound as insects in amber. Now this pickle, to the taste, the smell, and the sight, appeared exactly the same with what is in common service for beef, and buttei, and herrings, and has been often that way applied with great success; but for its many sover- eign virtues was quite a different thing. For Peter would put in a certain quantity of his powder pimperlin-pimp,|| after * This I take to be the office of Indulgences ; the gross abuses whereof first gave occasion for the Reformation. I 1 believe are the monkeries and the ridiculous processions, &c. among the Papists. t Holy water he calls, an universal pickle, to preserve houses, gar- dens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle ; wherein he could preserve them as sound as insects in amber. W. Wotton. $ This is easily understood to be holy water, composed of the same ingredients with many other pickles. II And because holy water differs only in consecration from common water, therefore he tells us, that his pickles, by the powder of pimper- lin-pimp, receives new virtues, though it differs not in sight nor smell, from the common pickles, which preserves beef, and butter, and her rings. W. Wotton. A TALE OF A TUB. 69 wi ell k never failed of success.* The operation was per- iort d by spar gef action,* in a proper time of the moon. Tht Calient who was to be pickled, if it were a house, would infa. fbly be preserved from all spiders, rats, and weazels ; if ttu party affected were a dog, he should be exempt from man>?, ind madness, and hunger. It also infallibly took away aU .scabs and lice, and scalded" heads from children ; never N. ; ti(Jering the patient from any duty, either at bed or board. But of all Peter's rarities, he most valued a certain set of bulls, | whose rac* was by great fortune preserved in a lineal descent from those that guarded the golden fleece : though some, who pretended to observe them curiously, doubted the breed had not been kept entirely chaste ; because they had degene- rated from their sncestors in some qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a foreign mixture. The bulls of Colchos are recorded to have brazen feet. But whether it happened by ill pasture and running, by an alloy from inter- vention of other parents, from stolen intrigues ; whether a weakness in their progenitors had impaired the seminal virtue, or by a decline necessary through a long course of time, the originals of nature being depraved in these latter sinful ages of the world : whatever was the cause, it is certain that Lord Peter's bulls were extremely vitiated by the rust of time in the metal of their feet, which was now sunk into common lead. However, the terrible roaring, peculiar to their lineage, was preserved ; as likewise that faculty of breathing out tire from their nostrils ; which notwithstanding many of their detractors took to be a feat of art, and to be nothing so terrible as it ap- peared ; proceeding only from their usual course of diet, which was of squibs and crackers,:}: However, they had two peculiar marks which extremely distinguished them from the bulls of Jason, and which I have not met together in the description of any other monster, besides that in Horace, Varias inducere plumas ; and Atrum desinit in piscem. * Sprinkling. t The Papal bulls are ridiculed by name ; so that here we are at no loss for the author's meaning. W. Wotton. Ibid. Here the author has kept the name, and means the Pope's bulls, or rather his fulminations, and excommunications of heretical princes ; all signed with lead, and the seal of the fisherman ; and are therefore said to have leaden feet and fishes' tails. t These are the fulminations of the Pope, threatening bell and dam nation to those princes who offend him. 70 A TALE OF A TUB. For thsse had fishes' tails ; yet, upon occasion could outfly any bird in the air. Peter put these bulls upon several employs. Sometimes he would set them a roaring, to frighten naughty boys,* and make them quiet. Sometimes he would send them out upon errands of great importance ; where it is wonderful to recount, and perhaps the cautious reader may think much to believe it; an appetitus sensibilis, deriving itself through the whole family, from their noble ancestors, guardians of the golden fleece; they continued so extremely fond of gold, that if Peter sent them abroad, though it were only upon a com- pliment, they would roar, and spit, and belch, and piss, and fart, and snivel out fire, and keep a perpetual coil, till you flung them a bit of gold ; but then, pulverit exigui jactu, they would grow calm and quiet as lambs. In short, whether by secret connivance, or encouragement from their master, or .out of their own liquorish affection to gold, or both; it is certain they were no better than a sort of sturdy, swaggering beggars; and where they could not prevail to get an alms, would make women miscarry, and children fall into fits ; who, to this very day, usually call spirits and hobgoblins by the name of bull- beggars. They grew at last so very troublesome to the neigh- bourhood, that some gentlemen of the north-west got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, and baited them so terribly, that they felt it ever after. I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter's projects, which was very extraordinary, and discovered him to be mas- ter of a high reach and profound invention. Whenever it happened that any rogue of Newgate was condemned to be hanged, Peter would offer him a pardon for a certain sum of money : which, when the poor caitiff had made all shifts to scrape up and send, his lordship would return a piece of paper in this form.f ' To all Mayors, Sheriffs, Jailers, Constables, Bailiffs, Hang- men, &c. Whereas we are informed that A. B. remains in the hands of you, or any of you, under the sentence of death ; \ve will and command you, upon sight hereof, to let the said prisoner depart to his own habitation, whether he stands con- demned for murder, sodomy, rape, sacrilege, incest, treason, blasphemy, &.C.; for which this shall be your sufficient war- * That is, kings who incur his displeasure, t This is a copy of a general pardon, signed Servus Servorum. Ibid. Absolution in articulo mortis, and thu tax camera apostclica re jested upon in Emperor Peter's letter. W. Wotton. A : VLE OF A TUB. 71 rant. And if you fail hereof, G d mn you and your's lo all eternity. And so we bid you heartily farewell. Your most humble Man's Man, EMPEROR PETER." The wretches trusting to this, lost their lives and money too. I desire of those whom the learned among posterity will ap- point for commentators upon this elaborate treatise, that they will proceed with great caution upon certain dark points, wherein all who are not vere adepti, may be in danger to form rash and hasty conclusions ; especially in some mysterious paragraphs, where certain arcana are joined for brevity's sake, which in the operation must be divided. And 1 am certain, that future sons of art will return large thanks to my memory, for so grateful, so useful an inuendo. It will be no difficult part to persuade the reader, that so many worthy discoveries met with great success in the world j though I may justly assure him, that I have related much the smallest number : my design having been only to single out such as will be of most benefit for public imitation, or which best served to give some idea of the reach and wit of the in- ventor. And therefore it need not be wondered, if by this time Lord Peter was become exceeding rich. But, alas! he had kept his brain so long and so violently upon the rack, that at last it shook itself, and began to turn round for a little ease. In -short, what with pride, projects, and knavery, poor Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest imaginations in the world. In the height of his fits (as it is usual with those who run mad out of pride) he would call himself God Almighty,* and sometimes monarch of the universe. I have seen him (says my author) take three old high crowned hats,f and clap them all on his head, three story high, with a huge bunch of keys at his girdle, J and an angling-rod in his hand. In which guise, whoever went to take him by the hand, in the way of salutation, Peter, with much grace, like a well- * The Pope is not only allowed to be the Vicar of Christ, but by several divines is called God upon earth, and other blasphemous titles. t The triple crown. t The keys of the church. The church here is taken for the gate of heavei.; for the keys of heaven are assumed by the Pope in conse- quence what our Lord said to Peter, " I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven." Ibid. The Pope's universal monarchy, and hi triple crown, and fisher's ring. W. Wotton. 78 A TALE OF A TUB. educated spaniel, would present them with his foot;* and if they refused his civility, then he would raise it as high as their chops, and give them a damned kick in the mouth ; which hath ever since been called a salute. Whoever walked by, without paying him their compliments, having a wonder- ful strong breath, he would blow their hats off into the dirt. Mean time his affairs at home went upside down, and his two brothers had a wretched time ; where his t.rst iowtadef was to kick both their wives one morning out of doors, and his own too ;J and in their stead, gave orders to pick up the first three strollers that could be met with in the streets. A while after, he nailed up the cellar-door; and would not a'low his broth- ers a drop of drink to their victuals. || Dining one day at an alderman's in the city, Peter observed him expatiating after the manner of his brethren, in the praises of his sirloin of beef. " Beef, (said the sage magistrate,) is the king of meat : beef comprehends in it the quintessence of partridge, and quail, and venison, and pheasant, and plum-pudding, and custard." When Peter came home, he would needs take the fancy of cooking up this doctrine into use, and apply the precept, in default of a sirloin, to his brown loaf. " Bread, (says he,) dear brothers, is the staff of life; in which bread is contained, inclusive, the quintessence of beef, mutton, veal, venison, partridge, plum-pudding, and custard : and to render all com- plete, there is intermingled a due quantity of water, whose crudities are also corrected by yeast or barm ; through which means it becomes a wholesome fermented liquor diffused through the mass of the bread." Upon the strength of these conclusions, next day at dinner was the brown loaf served up in all the formality of a city feast. " Come, brothers, (said Peter,) fall to, and spare not; here is excellent good mutton : or hold, now my hand is in, I'll help you." At which word, * Neither does his arrogant way of requiring men to kiss his slipper escape reflection. W. Wottpn. t This word properly signifies a sudden jerk, or lash of an horse, when you dp not expect it. t The celibacy of the Romish clergy is struck at in Peter's beating his own and brothers' wives out of doors. W. Wotton. II The Pope's refusing the cup to the laity, persuading them that the blood is contained in the bread, and that the bread is the real and entire body of Christ. $ Transubstantiation. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and, ac- cording to the Popish doctrine of concomitants, his wine too ; which. in his way, (he calls,) palming his dajaned crusts upon the brother* for mutton. W, Wotton. A TALE OF A TUB. 73 in much ceremony, with fork and knife, he carves out two good slices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to h is broth- ers. The elder of the two, not suddenly entering into Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language to examine the mystery. " My lord, (said he,) I doubt with grea* sub- mission, there may be some mistake." " What, (says Peter,) you are pleasant ; come then, let us hear this jest your head is so big with." "None in the world, my lord ; but unless I am very much deceived, your lordship was pleased a while ago, to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to see it with all my hear;." " How, (said Peter,) appearing in great surprise, I do not comprehend this at all." Upon which the younger interposing to set tne business aright, " JVTy lord, (said he,) my brother I suppose is hungry, and longs for the mutton your lordship hath promised us to din- ner." " Pray, (said Peter,) take me along with you. Either you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier than I approve of. If you there do not like your piece, I will carve you an- other, though I should take that to be the choice bit of the whole shoulder." "What then, my ford, (replied the first,) it seems this is a shoulder of mutton all this while." " Pray, Sir, (says Peter,) eat your victuals, and leave off your im- pertinence, if you please ; for I am not disposed to relish it at present." But the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected seriousness of Peter's countenance. " By G , my lord, (said he,) I can only say, that to my eyes, and fingers, and teeth, and nose, it seems to be nothing but a crust of bread." Upon which the second put in his word : " I never saw a piece of mutton in my life, so nearly resembling a. slice from a twelve-penny loaf." "Look ye, gentlemen, (cries Peter in a rage,) to convince you, what a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful puppies you are, I will use but this plain ar- gument : By G , it is true, good, natural mutton as any in Leaden-hall market; and G confound you both eternally, if you offer to believe otherwise." Such a thundering proof as this, left no further room for objection. The two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistake as hastily as they could. " Why, truly, (said the first,) upon more mature consideration" "Aye,says the other, (interrupting him,) now I have thought better on the thing, your lordship seems to have a great deal of reason." " Very well, (said Peter.) Here boy, fill me a beer-glass of claret ; here's to you both with all my heart." The two brethren much delighted to see him sc readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and said they would be glad to pledge his lordship. " That you shall, G 74 A TALE OF A TUB. (said Peter.) I am not a person to refuse you any thing that is reasonable. Wine moderately taken, is a cordial. Here is a glass a-piece for you ; it is true natural juice from the grape, ' none of your damned vintner's brewings." Having spoke thus, he presented to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bashful ; for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the usual office, in such delicate conjunctures, of staring a sufficient period at Lord Peter, and each other, and finding how matters were like to go, resolved not to enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the point as he pleased : for he was now got into one of his mad fits; and to argue or expostulate further, would only serve to render him a hundred times more untractable. I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its circum- stances ; because it gave a principal occasion to that great and famous rupture,* which happened about the same time among these brethern, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I shall treat at large in another section. However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his lucid in- tervals, was very lewdly given in his common conversation, extreme wilful and positive; and would at anytime rather argue to the death, than allow himself to be once in an error. Besides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpa- ble lies upon all occasions ; and swearing not only to the truth, but cursing the whole company to hell, if they pretended to make the least scruple of believing him. One time he swore he had a cow at home, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches ; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour.-f Another time he was telling of an old sign-post^ that belonged to his father, with nails and timber enough on it to build sixteen large men of war. Talking one day of Chinese wagons, which were made so light as to sail over mountains : " Z ds, (said Peter,) where's the wonder of that 7 ? By G , I saw a large house of lime and stone travel over sea and land (granting that it stopped some- times to bait) above two thousand German leagues."^ And * By this rupture is meant the Reformation. t The ridiculous multiplying of the Virgin Mary's milk among the Papists, under the allegory ol a cow, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches. VV. Wotton. I By this sign-post is meant the cross of our blessed Saviour; and if all the wood that is shown for parts of it, was collected, the quantity would sufficiently justify this sarcasm. $ The chapel of Loretto. He falls here only upon the ridiculous inventions of Fopery. The church of Rome intended by these things A TALE OF A TUB. 75 that which was the good of it, he would swear desperately all the while, that he never told a lie in his life; and at every word, " By G , gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the truth; and the d 1 broil them eternaHy that will not believe me." In short, Peter grew so scandalous, that all the neighbour- hood began in plain words to say, he was no better than a knave. And his two brothers, long weary of his ill usage, resolved at last to leave him. But first they humbly desired a copy of their father's will, which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he called them damned sons of whores, rogues, traitors, and the rest of the vile names he could muster up. However, while he was abroad one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and took a copia vera;* by which they presently saw how grossly they had been abused ; their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded, that whatever they got, should lie in com- mon among them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was, to break open the cellar-door, and get a little good drink, to spirit and comfort their hearts.f In copying the will, they had met another precept against whoring, divorce, and sepa- rate maintenance : upon which their next work was, to discard their concubines, and send for their wives.:}: Whilst all this.' was in agitation, there enters a solicitor from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged to-morrow. But the two brothers told him, he was a coxcomb to seek pardons from a fellow who deserved to be hanged much better than his client; and discovered all the method of that imposture, in the same form I delivered it a while ago; advising the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a pardon from the king.$ In the midst of all this clutter and revolution, in comes Peter with a file of dragoons to gull siJly superstitious people, and rook them of their money. Th world had been too long in slavery, but our ancestors gloriously re- deemed us from i hat yoke. The church of Rome therefore ought be exposed, and he deserves well of mankind that does expose it. \V. Wotton. Ibid. The chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Holy land to Italy. * Translated the scriptures into the vulgar tongues. t Administered the cup to the laity at the communion. t Allowed the marriages of priests. i Directed penitents not to trust to pardons and absolutions procured for money ; but sent them to implore the mercy of God, from whence alone remission is to be obtained: 76 A TALE OF A TUB. at his heeJs;* and gathering from all hands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after several millions of scurrilities and curses, not very important here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of doors,| and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this. SECTION V. A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND. WE whom the world is pleased to honour with the titie of modern authors, should never have been able to compass our great design of an everlasting remembrance, and never-dying fame, if our endeavours had not been so highly serviceable to the general good of mankind. This, O Universe ! is the ad- venturous attempt of me thy secretary. Quemvis perferre laborem Suadet, et, inducit noctes vigilare serenas. To this end, I have some time since, with a world of pains and art, dissected the carcass of human ffature, and read many useful lectures upon the several parts, both containing and contained; till at last it smelt so strong, I could preserve it no longer. Upon which I have been at a great expense to fit up all the bones with exact contexture, and indue symmetry ; so that I am ready to show a very complete anatomy thereof to all curious gentlemen and others. But not to digress farther in the midst of a digression, as I have known some authors enclose digressions in one another, like a nest of boxes ; I do affirm, that, having carefully cut up human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important discovery ; that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways, instruction and diversion. And I have farther proved in my said several readings, (which perhaps the world may one day see, if I can prevail on any friend to steal a copy, or on certain gentlemen of my admirers, to be very importunate,) that, as mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater advantage by being diverted than instructed ; his epidemical diseases being fasti- diosity, amorphy, and oscitation; whereas in the present uni- * By Peter's dragoons, is meant the civil power, which those princes who were bigotted to the Romish superstition, employed against the Reformers. t The Pope shuts all who dissent from him out of the church. A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND. 77 rersal empire of wit and learning, there seems but little matter left for instruction. However, incompliance with a lesson of great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the point in all its heights ; and accordingly throughout this divine treatise, have skilfully kneaded up both together with a layer of utile, and a layer of dulce. When I consider how exceedingly our illustrious moderns have eclipsed the weak glimmering lights of the ancients, and turned them out of the road of all fashionable*cotumerce, to a degree, that our choice town wits,* of most refined accom- plishments, are in grave dispute, whether there have been ever any ancients or no ; in which point we are like to receive wonderful satisfaction from the most useful labours and lucu- brations of that worthy modern, Dr. B tley : I say, when I consider all this, I cannot but bewail, that no famous modern hath ever yet attempted an universal system in a small port- able volume, of all things that are to be known, or believed, or imagined, or practised in life. I am however forced to ac- knowledge, that such an enterprise was thought on some time ago by a great philosopher of O. Brazil. f The method he proposed, was by a certain curious receipt, a nostrum, which, after his untimely death, I found among his papers; and do here, out of my great affection to the modern learned, present them with it ; not doubting it may one day encourage some worthy undertaker. " You take fair correct copies, well bound in calf-skin, and lettered at the back, of all modrrn bodies of arts and sciences whatsoever, and in what language you please. These you distil in balnea Marias infusing quintessence of popy q. s. together with three pints of lethe, to be had from the apoth- ecaries. You cleanse away carefully the sordes and caput mortuum, letting all that is volatile evaporate. You preserve only the first running, which is again to be distilled seventeen times, till what remains will amount to about two drams. This you keep in a glass vial hermetically sealed, for one and twenty days; then you begin your catholic treatise, taking every morning fasting (first shaking the vial) three drops of * The learned person here meant by our author, hath been endeav- ouring to annihilate so many ancient writers, that until he is pleased to atop his hand, il will be dangerous to affirm, whether there have been any ancients in the world. T This is an imaginary island, of kin to that which is called the Pain. ters' wives, island, placed in some unknown part of the ocean, merely at the fancy of the map-maker. 02 78 A TALE OF A TUB. this elixir, snuffing it strongly up your nose. It will dilate it self about the brain (where there is any) in fourteen minutes, ancTyou immediately perceive in your head an infinite number of abstracts, summaries, compendiums, extracts, collections, medulla's, excerpta qucedam's, storilega's, and the like, all dis- posed into great order, and reducible upon paper." I must needs own, it was by the assistance of this arcanum that I, though otherwise impar, have adventured upon so dar- ing an attempt 5 never achieved or undertaken before, but by a certain author, called Homer ; in whom, though otherwise a person not without some abilities, and for an ancient, of a tolerable genius, I have discovered many gross errors, which are not be forgiven his very ashes, if by chance any of them are left. For, whereas we are assured, lie designed his work for a complete body of all knowledge, human, divine, political, and mechanic ;* it is manifest, he hath wholly neglected some, and been very imperfect in the rest. For first of all, as eminent a cabalist as his disciples would represent him, his account of the opus magnum is extremely poor and deficient ; he seems to have read but very superficially either Sendivogus, Behmen, or Jinlhroposophia theoinagica.-\- He is also quite mistaken about the sphcera pyroplastica, a neglect not to be atoned for; and, if the reader will admit so severe a censure, vix crederem aut&rem Inmc unquam audivisse igJiis vocem. His failings are not less prominent in several parts of the mechanics. For, having read his writings wiih the utmost application usual among modern wits, I could never yet discover the least direction about the structure of that useful instrument, a save- all. For want of which, if the moderns had not lent their assistance, we might yet have wandered in the dark. But I have still behind a fault far more notorious to tax this author With ; I mean, his gross ignorance in the common laws of this realm, and in the doctrine as well as discipline of the church of England :J A defect indeed, for which both he and all the [* Homerus omnes res humanas poematis cow-plexus est. Xenoph. in conviv.] t A treatise written about fifty years ago by a Welch gentleman of Cambridge. His name, as I remember, was Vaughan, as appears by the answer to it, written by the learned Dr. Henry Moore. It is a piece of the most unintelligible fustian that perhaps was ever published in any language. t Mr. W tt n, (to whom our author never gives any quarter,) in his comparison of ancient and modern learning, numbers, divinity, law, &c. among those parts of knowledge wherein we excel the an* enie. A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND. 79 ancients stand most justly censured by my worthy and inge- nious friend Mr. W tt ii, Bachelor of Divinity, in his incom- parable treatise of ancient and modern learning: a book never to be sufficiently valued, whether we consider the happy turns and Mowings of the author's wit, the great usefulness of his sublime discoveries upon the subject of flies and spittle, or the laborious eloquence of his style. And I cannot forbear doing that author the justice of my public acknowledgments, for the great helps and liftings I had out of this incomparable piece, while I was penning this treatise. But, besides these omissions in Homer already mentioned, the curious reader will also observe several defects in that author's writings, for which he is not altogether so account- able. For whereas every branch of knowledge has received such wonderful acquirements since his age, especially within- these last three years, or thereabouts ; it is almost impossible, he could be so very perfect in modern discoveries as his advo- cates pretend. We freely acknowledge him to be the inventor of the compass, of gunpowder, and the circulation of the blood. But I challenge any of his admirers, to show me in all his writings a complete account of the spleen. Does he not also leave us wholly to seek in the art of political wagering? What can be more defective and unsatisfactory than his long dissertation upon tea? And as to his method of salivation without mercury, so much celebrated of late, it is to my own knowledge and experience, a thipg very little to be relied on. It was to supply such momentous defects, that I have been prevailed on, after long solicitation, to take pen in hand ; and I dare venture to promise, the judicious reader shall find no- thing neglected here, that can be of use upon any emergency of life. I am confident to have included and exhausted all that human imagination can rise or fall to. Particularly, I recommend to the perusal of the learned, certain discoveries that are wholly untouched by others ; whereof I shall only mention among a great many more, My new help of smat- terreis ; or, The ari of being deep-learned, and shallow-read ; A curious invention about mouse traps; An universal rule of Reason : or, Every man his own carver ; together with a must useful engine for catching of owls. All which the judi- cious reader will find largely treated on in the several parts of this discourse. I hold myself obliged to give as much light as is possible, into the beauties and excellencies of what I am writing ; be- cause it is become the fashion and humour most applauded among the first author* of this polite and learned age 80 A TALE OF A TUB. when they would correct the ill-nature of critical, or inform the ignorance of courteous readers. Besides, there have been several famous pieces lately published, both in verse and prose, wherein, if the writers had not been pleased, out of their great humanity and affection to the public, to give us a nice detail of the sublime and the admirable they contain, it is a thousand to one, whether we should ever have discovered one grain of either. For my own particular, I cannot deny, that whatever I have said upon this occasion, had been more proper in a preface, and more agreeable to the mode, which usually directs it there. But I here think fit to lay hold on that great and honourable privilege of being the last writer; I claim an abso- lute authority in right, as the freshest modern, which gives me a despotic power over all authors before me. In the strength of which title, I do utterly disapprove and declare against that pernicious custom, of making the preface a bill of fare to the book. For I have always looked upon it as a high point of indiscretion in monster-mongers, and other retailers of strange sights, to hang out a fair large picture over the door, drawn after the life, with a most eloquent description under- neath. This hath saved me many a three-pence; for my curiosity was fully satisfied, and I never offered to go in, though often invited by the urging and attending orator, with his last moving and standing piece of rhetoric, " Sir, upon my word, we are just going to begin." Such is exactly the fate, at this time, of Prefaces, Epistles, Advertisements, Introduc- tions, Prolegornenas, Apparatus's, To the Readers. This expedient was admirable at first. Our great Dryclen has long carried it as far as it would go, and with incredible success. He hath often said to me in confidence, that the world would have never suspected him to be so great a poet, if he had not assured them so frequently in his prefaces, that it was impossi- oie they could either doubt or forget it. Perhaps it may be so : however, I much fear, his instructions have edified out of their place, atid taught men to grow wiser in certain points, where he never intended they should : for it is lamentable to behold with what a lazy scorn many of the yawning readers in our age do now-a-days twirl over forty or fifty pages of preface and dedication, (which is the usual modern stint,) as if it were so much Latin. Though it must be also allowed, on the other hand, that a very considerable number are known to proceed critics and wits, by reading nothing else. Into which two factions, I think, all present readers may justly be divfded. Now, for myself, I piofess to be of the former sort: and there- fore, having the modern inclination to expatiate upon the beauty A TALK OF A TUB. 81 of my own productions, and display the bright parts of my discourse, I thought best to do it in the body of the work ; where, as it now lies, it makes a very considerable addition to the bulk of the volume; a circumstance by no means io be neglected by a skilful writer. Having thus paid my due deference and acknowledgment to an established custom of our newest authors, by a long digression unsought for, and an universal censure unprovoked; by forcing into the light, with much pains and dexterity, my own excellencies, and other men's defaults, with great justice to myself, and candour to them ; 1 now happily resume my subject, to the infinite satisfaction both of the reader and the author. SECTION VI. A TALE OF A TUB. WE left Lord Peter in open rupture with his two brethren : both for ever discarded from his house, and resigned to the wide world, with little or nothing to trust to. Which are cir- cumstances that render them proper subjects for the charity of a writer's pen to work on ; scenes of misery ever affording the fairest harvest for great adventures. And in this the world may perceive the difference between the integrity of a gene- rous author, and that of a common friend. The latter is ob- served to adhere close in prosperity, but, on the decline of fortune* to drop suddenly off: whereas the generous author, just on the contrary, finds his hero on the dunghill, from, thence by gradual steps raises him to a throne, and then im- mediately withdraws, expecting not so much as thanks for his pains. In imitation of which example, I have placed Lord Peter in a noble house, given him a title to wear, and money to spend. There I shall leave him for some time; returning where common charity directs me, to the assistance of his two brothers, at their lowest ebb. However, I shall by no means forget my character of an historian, to follow the truth, step by step, whatever happens, or wherever it may lead me. The two exiles, so nearly united in fortune and interest, took a lodging together; where, at their first leisure, they began to reflect on the numberless misfortunes and vexations of their life past ; and could not tell, on the sudden, to what failure in 82 A TALE OP A TUB. the.ir conduct they ought to impute them ; when, after some recollection, they called to mind the copy of their father's will, which they had so happily recovered. This was immediately produced, and a firm resolution taken between them, to alter whatever was already amiss, and reduce all their future mea- sures to the strictest obedience prescribed therein. The main body of the will (as the reader cannot easily have forgot) con- sisted in certain admirable rules about the wearing of their coats : in the perusal whereof, the two brothers, at every period, duly comparing the doctrine with the practice, there was never seen a wider difference between two things ! horri- ble, downright transgressions of every point. Upon which they both resolved, without farther delay, to fall immediately upon reducing the whole exactly after their father's model. But here it is good to stop the hasty reader, ever impatient to see the end of an adventure, before we writers can duly prepare him for it. I am to record, that these two brothers began to be distinguished at this time, by certain names. One of them desired to be called MARTIN,* and the other took the appellation of JACK.f These two had lived in much friendship and agreement, under the tyranny of their brother Peter ; as it is the talent of fellow-sufferers to do ; men in misfortune being like men in the dark, to whom all colours are the same. But when they come forward into the world, and began to display themselves to each other, and to the light, their complexions appeared extremely different; which the present posture of their affairs gave them sudden opportunity to discover. But here the severe reader may justly tax me as writer of short memory ; a deficiency to which a true modern cannot but of necessity be a little subject; because memory, being an em- ployment of the mind upon things past, as a faculty, for which the learned in our illustrious age have no manner of occasion, who deal entirely with invention, and strike all things out of themselves, or at least by a collision, from each other : upon which account, we think it highly reasonable to produce our great forgetfulness, as an argument unanswerable for our great wit. I ought, in method, to have informed the reader, about fifty pages ago, of a fancy Lord Peter look, and infused into his brothers, to wear on their coats whatever trimmings came up in fashion; never pulling off any as they went ouf of the mode, but keeping on all together; which amounted in time to a medley, the most antic you can possibly conceive ; and thia to a degree, that upon the time of their falling out, mere was * Martin Luther. t John Cah>i*. A TALE OF A TUB. 8d Hardly a thread of the original coat to be seen, but an infinite quantity of lace and ribbands, and fringe, and embroidery, and points ; (I mean only those tagged with silver,* for the rest i'ell of.) Now this material circumstance having been forgot in due place, as good fortune hath ordered, comes in very properly here, when the two brothers are just going to reform their ves- tures into the primitive state, prescribed by their father's will. They both unanimously entered upon this great work, look- ing sometimes on their coats, and sometimes on the will. Martin laying the first hand ; at one twitch brought off a large handful of points; and with a second pull, stript away ten dozen yards of fringe. But when he had gone thus far, he demurred a while. He knew very well, there yet remained a great deal more to be done. However, the first heat being over, his violence began to cool, and he resolved to proceed more moderately in the rest of the work; having already very narrow- ly escaped a swinging rent in pulling off the points, which, being tagged with silver, (as we have observed before,) the judicious workman had with much sagacity double sewn, to preserve them from falling. Resolving therefore to rid his coat of a huge quantity of gold lace, he picked up the stitches with much caution, and diligently gleaned out all the loose threads as he went ; which proved to be a work of time. Then he fell about the embroidered Indian figures of men, women, and chidren; against which, as you have heard in its due place, their father's testament was extremely exact and severe : these, with much dexterity and application, were, after a while, quite eradicated, or utterly defaced. For the rest, where he observed the embroidery to be worked so close, as not to be got away without damaging the cloth, or where it served to hide or strengthen any flaw in the body of the coat, contracted by the perpetual tampering of workmen upon it; he concluded the wisest course was, to let it remain; resolving in no case what- soever, that the substance of the stuff should suffer injury; which he thought the best method for serving the true intent and meaning of his father's will. And this is the nearest account I have been able to collect of Martin's proceedings upon this great revolution. But his brother Jack, whose adventures will be so extraor- dinary, as to furnish a great part in the remainder of this dis- course, entered upon the matter with other thoughts, and a * Points tagged with silver, are those doctrines that promote the greatness and wealth of the church ; which have been thereiore woven deepest in the bod* of Popery. 84 A TALE OP A TUB. quite different spirit. For the memory of Lord Peter's injuries produced a degree of hatred and spite, which had a much, greater share of inciting him, than any regards after his father's commands; since these appeared at best only secondary and subservient to the other. However, for this medley of humour, he made a shift to find a very plausible name, honouring it with the title of zeal; which is perhaps the most significant word that hath been ever yet produced in any language ; as, I think, I have fully proved in my excellent analytical discourse upon that subject; wherein I have deduced a histori-theo- physi-logical account of zeal, showing how it first proceeded from a notion into a word, and from thence, in a hot s-ummer, ripened into a tangible substance. This work, containing three large volumes in folio, I design very shortly to publish, by the modern way of subscription ; not doubting but the nobility and gentry of the land will give me all possible encouragement, having had already such a taste of what I am able to perform. I record therefore, that brother Jack, brimful of this miracu- lous compound, reflecting with indignation upon -Peter's ty- ranny, and farther provoked by the despondency of Martin, prefaced his resolutions to this purpose. " What, (said he,) a rogue that locked up his drink, turned away our wives, cheated ys of our fortunes, palmed his damned crusts upon us for mutton, and at last kicked us out of doors ; must we be in his fashions with a pox! a rascal, besides, that all the street cries out against." Having thus kindled and inflamed him- self as high as possible, and by consequence in a delicate tem- per for beginning a reformation, he set about the work imme- diately, and in three minutes made more dispatch than Martin had done in as many hours. For, courteous reader, you are given to understand, that zeal is never so highly obliged, as when you set it a tearing ; and Jack, who doated on that quality in himself, allowed it at this time its full swing. Thus it happened, that stripping down a parcel of gold-lace, a little too hastily, he rent the main body of his coat, from top to bot- tom, and whereas his talent was not of the happiest in taking up a stitch, he knew no better way, than to darn it again with packthread and a skewer. But the matter was yet infinitely worse (I record it with tears) when he proceeded to the embroidery for, being clumsy by nature, and of temper impatient ; wilhai beholding millions of stitches, that required the nicest hand, and sedatest constitution, to extricate ; in a great rage he tore off the whole piece, cloth and all, and flung it into the kennel; and furiously thus continuing his career, " Ah, good brother Martin, (said he,) do as I do, for the love of God ! strip, tear, A TALE OF A TUB. 85 pull, rent, flay off all, that we may appear as unlike that rogue Peter as it is possible. I would not- I'or an hundred pounds carry the least mark about me, that might give occasion to the neighbours, of suspecting I was related to such a rascal." But Martin, who at this time happened to be extremely phleg- matic and sedate, " begged his brother of all love, not to dam- age his coat by any means; for he never would get such ano- ther : desired him to consider, that it was not their business to form their actions by any reflection upon Peter's, but by observing the rules prescribed in their father's will; that he should remember Peter was still their brother, whatever faults or injuries he had committed ; and therefore they should by all means avoid such a thought, as that of taking measures for good and evil, from no other rule than of opposition to him : that it was true the testament of their good father was very exact in what related to the wearing of their coats; yet was it no less penal and strict in prescribing agreement, and friend- ship, and affection between them ; and therefore, if straining a point were at all dispensable, it would certainly be so, rather to the advance of unity, than increase of contradiction." Martin had still proceeded as gravely as he began ; and doubtless would have delivered an admirable lecture of mo- ralky, which might have exceedingly contributed to my reader's repose both of body and mind, (the true ultimate end of ethics ;) but Jack was already gone a flight-shot .beyond his patience. And as, in scholastic disputes, nothing serves to rouse the spleen of him that opposes, so much as a kind of pedantic af- fected calmness in the respondent; disputants being for the most part like unequal scales, where the gravity of one side advances the lightness of the other, and causes it to fly up, and kick the beam : so it happened here, that the weight of Martin's arguments exalted Jack's levity, and made him fly out and spurn against his brother's moderation. In short, Martin's patience put Jack in a rage. But that which most afflicted him> was, to observe his brother's coat so well reduc- ed into the state of innocence; while his own was either wholly rent to his shirt; or those places, which had escaped his cruel clutches, were still in Peter's livery : .so that he looked like a drunken beau, half rifled by bullies : or like a fresh ten- ant of Newgate, when he has refused the payment of garnisn, or like a discovered shoplifter, left to the mercy of exchange- women ;* or like a bawd in her old velvet petticoat, resigned * The galleries over the piazzas in the Royal Exchange were formerly filled with shops, kept chiefly by women ; the same use was made of H 80 -A TALE OF A TL'B. into the secular hands of the mobile. Like any, or like all ol these, a medley of rags and lace, and rents and fringes, unfor- tunate Jack did now appear. He would have been extremely glad to see his coat in the condition of Martin's, but infinitely more glad to find that of Martin's in the same predicament with his. However, since neither of these Avas likely to come to pass, he thought fit to lend the whole business another turn, and to dress up necessity into a virtue. Therefore, after as many of the fox's* arguments as he could muster up for, bringing Martin to reason, as he called it, or, as he meant it, into his own ragged, bobtailed condition; and observing he said all to little purpose; what, alas ! was left for the forlorn Jack to do, but after a million of scurrilities against his brother, to run mad with spleen, and spile, and contradiction! To be short, here began a mortal breach between these two. Jack went immediately to new lodgings, and in a few days it was for certain reported, that he had run out of his wits. In a short time after, he appeared abroad, and confirmed the report, by falling into the oddest whimsies that ever a sick brain con- ceived. And now the little boys in the streets began to salute him. with several names. Sometimes they would call him Jack the bald ;f sometimes, Jack with a lanthorn ;J sometimes, Dutch Jack ; sometimes French Hugh :|| sometimes Tom the Beggar ;H and sometimes, Knocking Jack of the North.** And it was under one, or some, or all of these appellations, which I leave the learned reader to determine, that he hath given rise to the most illustrious and epidemic sect of JEolists, who, with honourable commemoration, do still acknowledge the renowned JACK for their author and founder. Of whose a building called the New Exchange in the strand ; this edifice has been pulled down, the shopkeepers have removed from the Royal Exchange into Cornhill, and the adjacent streets ; and there are now no remains of Exchange-women but in Exeter-change, and they are no longer deemed the first ministers of fashion. * The fox in the fable, who having been caught in a trap and lost his tail, used many arguments to persuade the rest to cut off their's, that the singularity of his deformity might not expose him to derision. t That is, Calvin, from calvus, bald. I All those who pretend to inward light. Jack of Leyden, who gave rise to the Anabaptists. II The Hugonots. IT The Guiuses, by which name some protestants in Flanders wer called. ** John Knox, tbe reformer of Scotland A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS. 87 original, as well as principles, I am now advancing to gratify the world with a very particular account; -Melleo contingens cuncta lepore. SECTION VII. A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSIONS. I HAVE sometimes heard of an Iliad ia a nut-shell; but it hath been my fortune to have much oftener seen a nut-shell in an Iliad. There is no doubt that human life has received most wonderful advantages from both ; but to which of the two the world is chiefly indebted, I shall leave among the curious, as a problem worthy of their'utmost enquiry. For the invention of the latter, I think the commonwealth of learn- ing is chiefly obliged to the great modern improvement of digressions : the late refinements of knowledge running pa- rallel to those of diet in our nation, which, among men of a judicious taste, are dressed up in various compounds, consist- ing in soups and olio's, fricassees and ragouts. It is true, there is a sort of morose, detracting, ill-bred people, who pretend utterly to disrelish these polite innovations. And as to the similitude from diet, they allow the parallel ; but are so bold to pronounce the example itself, a corruption and degeneracy of taste. They tell us, that the fashion of jumb- ling fifty things together in a dish, was at first introduced in compliance to a depraved and debauched appetite, as well as to a crazy constitution; and to see a man hunting through an olio, after the head and brains of a goose, a wigeon or a wood- cock, is a sign he wants a stomach and digestion for more substantial victuals. Farther, they affirm, that digressions in a book are like foreign troops in a state, which argue the nation to want a heart and hands of its own ; and often either subdue the natives, or drive them into the most unfruitful corners. But, after all that can be objected by these supercilious cen- sors, it is manifest, the society of writers would quickly be re- duced to a very inconsiderable number, if men were put upon making books, -with the fatal confinement of delivering nothing beyond what is to the purpose. It is acknowledged, that were the case the same among us, as with the Greeks and Romans, when learning was in its cradle, to be reared, and fed, and ttS A. TALE OF A TUB. clothed by invention: it would be an easy task to fill up vol umes upon particular occasions, without farther expatiating from the subject, than by moderate excursions, helping to ad- vance or clear the main design. But with knowledge it has fared as with a numerous army, encamped in a fruitful coun- try ; which for a few days maintains itself by the product of the soil it is on ; till provisions being spent, they send to for- age many a mile, among friends or enemies, it matters not. Mean while, the neighbouring fields, trampled and beaten down, became barren and dry, affording no sustenance but clouds of dust. The whole course of things being thus entirely changed be- tween us and the ancients, and the moderns wisely sensible of it ; we of this age have discovered a shorter, and more prudent method, to become scholars and wits, without the fatigue of reading or of thinking. The most accomplished way of using books at present, is twofold : either, first, to serve them as some men do lords, learn their titles exactly, and then brag of their acquaintance; or, secondly, which is indeed the choicer, the prolbunder, and the politer method, to get a thorough insight into the index, by which the whole book is governed and turned, like fishes by the tail. For to enter the palace of learning at the great gate, requires an expense of time and forms; therefore men of much haste and little ceremony are content to get in by the back door. For the arts are all in a flying march, and therefore more easily subdued by attacking them in the rear. Thus physicians discover the state of the whole body, by consulting only what comes from behind. Thus men catch knowledge by throwing their wit on the posteriors of a book, as boys do sparrows with flinging salt upon their tails. Thus human life is best understood by the wise man's rule of regarding the end. Thus are the sciences found, like Hercules's oxen, by tracing them backwards. Thus are old scieuces unravelled like old stockings, by beginning at the foot. Besides all this, the army of the sciences hath been of late, with a world of martial discipline, drawn into its close order; so that a view or a muster may be taken of it with abundance of expedition. For this great blessing we are wholly indebted to systems and abstracts, in which the modern fathers of learn- ing, like prudent usurers, spent their sweat for the ease of us their children. For labour is the seed of idleness, and it is the peculiar happiness of our noble age to gather the fruit. Now, the method of growing wise, learned and sublime, having become so regular an affair, and so established in all A DIGRESSION IN PRAISE OF DIGRESSION. 89 zls forms; the numbers of writers must needs have increased accordingly, and to a pitch that has made it of absolute neces- sity for them to interfere continually with each other. Besides, it is reckoned, that there is not at thrs present a sufficient quantity of new matter left in nature, to furnish and adorn any one particular subject to the extent of a volume. This I am told by a very skilful computer, who hath given a full demonstration of it from rules of arithmetic. Thi* perhaps may be objected against by those who main- tain the infinity of matter, and therefore will not allow that any species of it can be exhausted. For an answer to which, let us examine the noblest branch of modern wit or invention, planted and cultivated by the present age, and which of all others hath borne the most, and the fairest fruit. For though some remains of it were left us by the ancients, yet have not any of those, as I remember, been translated, or compiled into system for modern use. Therefore we may affirm, to our own honour, that it has in some sort been both invented, and brought to a perfection by the same hands. What I mean, is that highly celebrated talent among the modern wits, of deducing similitudes, allusions, and applications, very sur- prising, agreeable, and apposite, from the pudenda of either sex,' together with their proper uses. And truly, having ob- served how little invention bears any vogue, besides what is derived into these channels, I have sometimes had a thought, that the happy genius of our age and country was prophetic- ally h.?M forth by that ancient typical description of the Indian pygmies ; whose stature did not exceed two feet; sed quorum pudenda erassa, et, ad talos usque pertingentia* Now, I have been very curious to inspect the late productions, wherein the beauties of this kind have most prominently appeared. And although this vein hath bled so freely, and all endeavours have been used in the power of human breath, to dilate, extend, and keep it open; like the Scythians, who had a custom, and an instrument to blow up the privities of their mares, that they might yield the more milk:f yet I am under an apprehension, it is near growing dry, and past all recovery ; and that either some newfonde of wit should, if possible, be provided, or else that we must e'en be content with repetition here as well as upon all other occasions. This will stand as an incontestable argument, that our mo- dern wits are not to reckon upon the infinity of matter, for a constant supply. What remains therefore, but that our last [* Cteties fragm, apud Photium.] [t Herodot. I. 4.] 90 A TALE OF A TUB. recourse must be had to large indexes, and little compendiums? Quotations must be plentifully gathered, and booked in alpha- bet. To this end, though authors need be little consulted, yeJ critics and commentators and lexicons, carefully must. Bui above all, those judicious collectors of bright parts, and flewers and observanda's, are to be nicely dwelt on, by some called the sieves and boulters of learning; though it is left unde- termined, whether they deal in pearls or meal; and conse quently, whether we are more to value that which passed through, or what staid behind. By these methods, in a few weeks, there starts up many a writer, capable of managing the profoundest and most univer- sal subjects. For what though his head be empty, provided his common-place book be full? And if you will bate him but the circumstances of method, and style, and grammar, and in- vention ; allow him but the common privileges of transcribing from others, and digressing from himself, as often as he shall see occasion ; he will desire no more ingredients towards fit- ting up a treatise, that shall make a very comely figure on a bookseller's shelf, there to be preserved neat and clean, for a long eternity, adorned with the heraldry of its title, fairly in- scribed on a label ; never to be thumbed or greased by students, nor bound to everlasting chains of darkness in a library ; but when the fulness of time is .come, shall happily undergo the trial of purgatory, in order to ascend the sky. Without these allowances, how is it possible we modern wits should ever have an opportunity to introduce our collec- tions, listed under so many thousand heads of a different nature? for want of which, the learned world would be deprived of infinite delight, as well as instruction, and we ourselves buried beyond redress in an inglorious and undistinguished oblivion. From such elements as these, I am alive to behold the day, wherein the corporation of authors can outvie all its brethren in the field: A happiness derived to us with a great many others, from our Scythian ancestors ; among whom the number of pens was so infinite, that the Grecian eloquence had no other way of expressing it, than by saying, That in the regions far to the north it was hardly possible for a man to travel, the very air was so replete with feathers.* The necessity of this digression will easily excuse the length; and I have chosen for it as proper a place as I could readily find. If the judicious reader can assign a fitter, I do here empower him to remove into any other corner he pleases. [* Herodot. I. 4.] A TALE OF A TUB. 91 And so I return with great alacrity to pursue a more important concern. SECTION VIII. A TALE OF A TUB. THE learned .ZEolists* maintain the original cause of all things to be wind, from which principle this whole universe was at first produced, and into which it must at last be resolv- ed; that the same breath which had kindled, and blew up the flame of nature, should one day blow it out. Quid procul a nobis selectat fortuna gubernans. This is what the adepti understand by their anima mundi; that is to say, the spirit, or breath, or wind of the world. For examine the whole system by the particulars of nature, and you will find it not to be disputed. For, whether you please to call the forma informans of man, by the name of spirilus, animus, afflatus, or anima ; what are all these but several appel- lations for wind? which is the ruling element in every com- pound, and into which they all resolve upon their corruption. Farther, what is life itself, but as it is commonly called, the breath of our nostrils? Whence it is very justly observed by naturalists that wind still continues of great emolument in certain mysteries not to be named, giving occasion for those happy epithets of turgidius, and inftatus, applied either to the emittent, or recipient organs. By what I have gathered out of ancient records, I find the compass of their doctrine took in two and thirty points, where- in it would be tedious to be very particular. However, a few of their most important precepts, deducible from.it, are by no means to be omitted ; among which the following maxim was of much weight, That since wind had the master-share, as well as operation in every compound, by consequence, those beings must be of chief excellence, wherein that primordiwn appears most prominently to abound ; and therefore man is in the highest perfection of all created things as having, by the great bounty of philosophers, been endued with three distinct anima's or winds, to which the sage -^Eolists, with much liberality, have added a fourth, of equal necessity, as well aa * All pretenders to inspiration whatsoever. 82 A TALE OP A TUB. ornament, with the other three; by this quartum principium taking in the four corners of the world; which gave occasion to that renowned Cabalist, Bumbastus* of placing the body of man in due position to the four cardinal points. In consequence of this, their next principle was, That man brings with him into the world a peculiar portion or grain of wind, which may be called a quintet essentia, extracted from the other four. This quintessence is of catholic use upon all emergencies of life, is improvable into all arts and sciences, and may be wonderfully refined, as well as enlarged, by certain methods in education. This, when blown up, to its perfec- tion, ought not to be covetuously hoarded up, stifled, or hid under a bushel, but freely communicated to mankind. Upon these reasons, and others of equal weight, the wise JEolists affirm the gift of BELCHING to be the noblest act of a rational creature. To cultivate which art, and render it more service- able to mankind, they made use of several methods. At certain seasons of the year, you might behold the priests among them in vast numbers, with their mouths gaping wide against a storm. f At other times were to be seen several hundreds linked together in a circular chain, with every man a pair of bellows applied to his neighbour's breech, by which they blew up each other to the shape and size ot a tun ; and for that reason, with great propriety of speech did usually call their bodies their vessels. When, by these, and the like performances, they were grown sufficiently replete, they would immediately depart and disembogue, for the public good, a plentiful share of their acquirements into their disciples' chaps. For we must here observe, that all learning was esteemed among them to be compounded from the same principle: Because, first, it is generally affirmed, or confessed, that learning puffeth men up : and, secondly, they proved it by the following syllogism : Words are but wind ; and learning is nothing but words; ergo, learning is nothing but wind. For this reason, the philosophers among them did, in their schools, deliver to their pupils all their doctrines and opinions by eructation, wherein they had acquired a wonderful eloquence, and of incredible variety. But the great characteristic by which their chief sages were best distinguished, was a certain position of countenance, which gave undoubted intelligence to what degree or propor- * This is one of the names of Paracelsus. He was called Christo- pkorus, Theophrastus, Paracelsus, Bumbastus. t This is meant of those seditious preachers who blow up the seedj f rebellion, &c. A TAIE OP A TUB. 03 tion the spirit agitated the inward mass. For, after certain gripings, the wind and vapours issuing forth ; having first, by their turbulence and convulsions within, caused an earthquake in man's little world; distorted the mouth, bloated the cheeks, and gave the eyes a terrible kind of relievo. At which junc- tures, all their belches were received for sacred, the sourer the better, and swallowed with infinite consolation by their meagre devotees. And to render these yet more complete ; because the breath of man's life is in his nostrils, therefore the choicest, most edifying, and most enlivening belches were very wisely conveyed through that vehicle, to give them a tincture as they passed. Their gods, were the four winds, whom they worshipped, as the spirits that pervade and enliven the universe, and as those from whom alone all inspiration can properly be said to pro- ceed. However, the chief of these, to whom they performed the adoration of latria* was the almighty North; an ancient deity, whom the inhabitants of Megalopolis in Greece had like- wise in the highest reverence : Omnium decorum Boream max- ime celebrant.^ This god, though endued with ubiquity, was yet supposed by the profounder JEolists to possess one peculiar habitation, or (to speak in form) a ecelum empyrceum, wherein he was more intimately present. This was situated in a certain region', well known to the ancient Greeks, by them called xo?ia, or the land of darkness. And although many controversies have arisen upon that matter; yet so much is undisputed, that from a region of the like denomination the most refined JEolists have borrowed their original; from whence, in every age, the zealous among their priesthood have brought ovenheir choicest inspiration ; fetching it with their own hands from the fountain head, in cenain bladders, and disploding it among the sectaries in all nations ; who did, and do, and ever will daily gasp and pant after it. Now, their mysteries and rites were performed in this man- ner. It is well known among the learned, that the virtuosos of former ages had a contrivance for carrying and preserving winds in casks or barrels, which was of great assistance upon long sea- voyages; and the loss of so useful an art at present is very much to be lamented, though, I know not how, with great negligence omitted by Pancirollus.% It was an invention ascribed to/Eolus himself, from whom this sect is denominat- * Jjilria is that worship which is paid to the Supreme Being, t Pausan I. 8. t An author who writ de Artibus Perdities, &c, of arts lost, and of Kit invented. 94 A TALE OF A TUB. ed ; and who, in honour of their founder's memory, have to this day preserved great number of those barrels, whereof they fix one in each of their temples, first beating out the top. Into this barrel, upon solemn days, the priest enters ; where, having before duly prepared himself by the methods already described, a secret funnel is also conveyed from his posteriors to the bottom of the barrel, which always admits new supplies of inspiration from a northern chink or cranny. Whereupon you behold him swell immediately to the shape and size of his vessel. In this posture he disembogues whole tempests upon, his auditory, as the spirit from beneath gives him utterance , which issuing ex adytis and penetralibus , is not performed without much paia and gripings. And the wind in breaking forth, deals with his face as it does with that of the sea ; first blackening, then wrinkling, and at last bursting it into a foam.* It is in this guise the sacred ^Eclist delivers his oracular belches to his panting disciples; of whom some are greedily gaping after the sanctified breath ; other's are all the while hymning out the praises of the winds ; and gently grafted to and fro by their own humming, do thus represent the soft breezes of their deities appeased. It is from this custom of the priests, that some authors maintain these ^olisls to have been very ancient in the world ; because the delivery of their mysteries, which I have just now mentioned, appears exactly the same with that of other an- cient oracles, whose inspirations were owing to certain subter- raneous effluvia of wind, delivered with the same pain to the priest, and much about the same influence on the people. It is true indeed, that these were frequently managed and direct- ed by female officers, whose organs were understood to be better disposed for the admission of those oracular gusts, as entering and passing up through a receptacle of greater capa- city, and causing also a pruriency by the way, such as, with due management, hath been refined from carnal, into a spirit- ual ecstasy. And to strengthen this profound conjecture, it is farther insisted that this custom of femalef priests is kept up still in certain refined colleges of our modern ^Eolists, who are agreed to receive their inspiration, derived through the receptacle aforesaid, like their ancestors the Sibyls. And whereas the mind of man, when he gives the spur and bridle to his thoughts, doth never stop, but naturally sallies * This is an exact descripiion of the changes made in the face bj enthusiastic preachers. t Quakers, who suffer their women to preach and pray. A TALE OP A TUB. 95 out into both extremes of high and low, of good and evil ; his first flight of fancy commonly transports him to ideas of what is most perfect, finished, and exalted ; till having soared out of his own reach and sight, not well perceiving how near the frontiers of height and depth border upon each other, with the same course and wing he falls down plump into the lowest bottom of things ; like one who travels the east into the west, or like a strait line drawn by its own length into a circle. Whether a tincture of malice in our natures makes us fond of furnishing every bright idea with its reverse ; or whether rea- son, reflecting upon the sum of things, can, like the sun, serve only to enlighten one half of the globe, leaving the other half by necessity, under shade and darkness ; or whether fancy, flying up to the imagination of what is highest and best, be- comes over-short, and spent and weary, and suddenly falls, like a dead bird of paradise, to the ground; or whether, after all these metaphysical conjectures, I have not entirely missed the true reason; the proposition, however, which hath stood me in so much circumstance, is altogether true, that, as the most uncivilized parts of mankind nave some way or other climbed up into the conception of . god, or supreme power, so they have seldom forgot to provide their fears with certain ghastly notions, which, instead of better, have served them pretty tolerably for a devil. And this proceeding seems to be natural enough : for it is with men whose imaginations are lifted up very high, after the same rate as with those whose bodies are so; that as they are delighted with the advantage of a nearer contemplation upwards, so they are equally terrified with the dismal prospect of the precipice below. Thus, in the choice of a devil, it hath been the usual method of mankind, to single out some being, either in act or in vision, which was in most antipathy to the god they had framed. Thus also the sect of ^Eolists possessed themselves with a dread, and horror, and hatred of two malignant natures, betwixt whom and the deities they adored, perpetual enmity was established. The first of these was the camelion,* sworn foe to inspiration, who, in scorn, devoured large influences of their god, without refund- ing the smallest blast by eructation. The other was a huge terrible monster, called Moulivanet, who with four strong arms waged eternal battle with all their divinities, dexterously turn- ing to avoid their blows, and repay them with interest. * I do not well understand what the author aims at here, any more than by the terrible monster mentioned in the following lines, called Moulinavent, which is the French word for a windmill. 96 A TALE OF A TUB. Thus furnisaed and set out with gods as well as devils, was the renewed sect of ^Eolists ; which makes at this day so illus- trious a figure in the world, and whereof that polite nation of Laplanders are beyond all doubt a most authentic branch : of whom I therefore cannot, without injustice, here omit to make honourable mention ; since they appear to be so closely allied in point of interest, as well as inclinations, with their brother ^Eolists among us, as not only to buy their winds by whole- sale from the same merchants, but also to retail them after the same rate and method, and to customers much alike^ Now, whether the system here delivered was wholly com- piled by Jack, or, as some writers believe, rather copied from the original at Delphos, with certain additions and emendations suited to times and circumstances; I shall noi absolutely de- termine. This I may affirm, that Jack gave it at least a new turn, and formed it into the same dress and model as it lies deduced by me. 1 have long sought after this opportunity of doing justice to a society of men for whom I have a peculiar honour, and whose opinions, as well as practices, have been extremely misrepresented and traduced by the malice or ignorance of their adversaries. For I think it one of the greatest and best of human actions, to remove prejudices, and place things in their truest and fairest light ; which I therefore boldly under- take, without any regards of my own, beside the conscience, the honour, and the thanks. SECTION IX. A DIGRESSION CONCERNING THE ORIGINAL, THE USE AND IMPROVEMENT OF MADNESS IN A COMMONWEALTH. NOR shall it any wise detract from the just reputation of this famous sect, that its rise and institution are owing to such an author as I have described Jack to he ; a person whose in- tellectuals were overturned, and his brain shaken out of its natural position ; which we commonly suppose to be a dis- temper, and called by the name of madness or phrenzy. For, if we take a survey of the greatest actions that have been per- formed in the world under the influence of single men ; which are, the establishment of new empires by conquest ; the ad- vance and progress of new schemes in philosophy ; and the contriving, as well as the propagating of new religions ; we .k DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS. 91 shall find the authors of them all to have been persons whose natural reason hath admitted great revolutions, from their diet, their education, the prevalency of some certain temper, to- gether with the particular influence of air and climate. Besides, there is something individual in human minds, that easily kindles at the accidental approach and collision of certain circumstances, which, though of paltry and mean appearance, do often flame out into the greatest emergencies of life. For great turns are not always given by strong hands, but by lucky adaption, and at proper seasons. And it is of no import, where the fire was kindled, if the vapour has once gone up into the brain. For the upper region of man is furnished like the mid- dle region of the air : the materials are formed from causes of the widest difference, yet produce at last the same substance and effect. Mists arise from the earth, steams from dunghills, exhalations from the sea, and smoke from fire ; yet all clouds are the same in composition, as well as consequences ; and the fumes issuing from a Jakes, will furnish as comely and useful a vapour, as incense from an altar. Thus far, I suppose, will easily be granted me ; and then it will follow, that as the face of nature never produces rain, but when is it overcast and disturbed ; so human understanding, seated in the brain, must be troubled and overspread by vapours ascending from the lower faculties, to water the invention, and render it fruit- ful. Now, although these vapours (as it hath been already said) are of as various original as those of the skies; yet the crop they produce, differs both in kind and degree, merely according to the soil. I will produce two instances to prove and expjain what I am now advancing. A certain great prince* raised a mighty army, filled his cof- fers with infinite treasures, provided an invincible fleet; ana all this, without giving the least part of his design to his great- est ministers, or his nearest favourites. Immediately the whole world was alarmed ; the neighbouring crowns in trem- bling expectations towards what point the storm would burst, the small politicians every where forming profound conjectures Some believed he had laid a scheme for universal monarchy : others, after muc.. insight, determined the matter to be a pro- ject for pulling down the Pope, and setting up the Reformed religion, which had once been his own. Some again, of a deeper sagacity, sent him into Asia, to subdue the Turk, and recover Palestine. la the midst of all these projects and pre- parations, a certain state surgeon.f gathering the nature of the * This was Henry the Great, of France. t Ravillac, who stabbed Henry the Great, in hia coach. W A TALE OF A TUB. disea.i b) vht^e symptoms, attempted the cure ; at one blow performed the operation, broke the bag, and out flew the va- pour. Nor did any thing want to render it a complete remedy, only that the prime unfortunately happened to die in the perform- ance. Now, is the reader exceeding curious to learn, from whence this vapour took its rise, which had so long set the nations at a gaze ! what secret wheel, what hidden spring, could put into motion so wonderful an engine. It was after- wards discovered, that the movement of this whole machine had been directed by an absent female, whose eyes had raised a protuberancy, and. before emission, she was removed into an enemy's country. What should an unhappy prince do in such ticklish circumstances as these? He tried in vain the poets never failing receipt of corpora quceque for, Idque qetit corpus r.nens unde est saucia amore ; Unde feritur, eo tendit, gestique coire. Liter. Having to no purpose used all peaceable endeavours, the collected part of the semen, raised and inflamed, became a dust, converted to choler, turned head upon the spinal duct, and as- cended to the brain. The very same principle, that influences a bully to break the windows of a whore who has jilted him, naturally stirs up a great prince to raise mighty armies, and dream of nothing but sieges, battles, and victories ; Cunnus teterrimi belli Causa. The other instance is, what I have read somewhere in a Tery ancient author, of a mighty king,* who, for the space of above thirty years, amustd himself to take and lose towns ; beat armies, and be beaten ; drive princes out of their domin- ions ; fright children from their bread and butter; burn, lay waste, plunder, dragoon, mnssacre subject and stranger, friend and foe, male and female. It is recorded, that the philosophers of each country were in grape dispute upon causes natural, moral, and political, to find aut whjere they should assign an original solution of this phenomenon. At last the vapour or spirit which animated the hero's brain, being in perpetual cir- culation, seized upon that region of human body, so renowned for furnishing the zibeta occidental!*,] and gathering there into * This is meant of the French King, Louis XIV. t Paracelsus, who was so famous for chemistry, tried an experi- ment upon human excrement, to make perfume of it ; which when he had brought to perfection, he called zibeta occidentals, or western civet, the back parts of man (according to its division mentioned b the author, p. 95) being the West. A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS. 09 a tumor, left th rest of the world for that time in peace. Of such mighty consequence it is, where those exhalations fix and of so little, from whence they proceed. The same spirits which, in their superior progress, would conquer a kingdom, descending upon the anus, conclude in a fistula. Let us next examine the great introducers of new schemes in philosophy, and search till we can find from what faculty of the soul the disposition arises in mortal man, of taking it into his head to advance new systems with such an eager zeal in things agreed on all hands impossible to be known ; from what seeds this disposition springs, and to what quality of human nature these grand innovators have been indebted for their number of disciples; because it is plain, that several of the chief among them, both ancient and modern, were usually mistaken by their adversaries, and indeed by all, except their own followers, to have been persons crazed, or out of their wits; having generally proceeded in the common course of their words and actions, by a method very different from the vulgar dictates of unrefined reason; agreeing, for the most part, in their several models, with their present undoubted successors in the academy of Modern Bedlam ; (whose merits and principles I shall further examine in due place.) Of this kind'were Epicurus, Diogenes, Apollonius, Lucretius, Para- celsus, Des Cartes, and others; who, if they were now in the world, tied fast and separate from their followers would, in this our undistinguishing age, incur manifest danger of phle- botomy and whips, and chains, and dark chambers, and straw. For what man, in the natural state or course of thinking, did ever conceive it in his power to reduce the notions of all man- kind exactly to the same length and breadth, and height of his own ? Yet this is the first humble and civil design of all in- novators in the empire of reason. Epicurus modestly hoped, that one time or other, a certain fortuitous concourse of all men's opinions, after perpetual justlings, the sharp with the smooth, the light and the heavy, the round and the square, would, by a certain cUnamina, unite in the notions of atoms and void, as these did in the originals of all things. Cartesius reckoned to see before he died, the sentiment of all philosophers, like so many lesser stars in his romantic system, wrapt and drawn within his own vortex. Now, I would gladly be in formed, how it is possible to account (or such imaginations as these in particular men, without recourse to my plicenamenon of vapou r s, ascending from the lower faculties tu overshadow the brain, and their distilling into conceptions, for which the narrowness of our mother-tongue has not yet assigned any 100 A TALE OF A TUB. other name besides that of madness or phrensy. Let us there- fore now conjecture how it comes to pass, that none of these great prescribers do ever fail providing themselves and their notions with a number of implicit disciples. And I think the reason is easy to be assigned : for there is a peculiar string is ihe harmony of human understanding, which in several indi- viduals is exactly of the same meaning. This if you can dex- terously screw up to its right key, and then strike gently upon it; whenever you have the good fortune to light among those of the same pitch, they will, by a secret necessary sympathy, strike exactly at the same time. And in this one circumstance lies all the skill or luck of the matter: for if you chariee to jar the string among those who are either above or below your own height; instead of subscribing to your doctrine, they will tie you fast, call you mad, and feed you with bread and water. It is therefore a point of the nicest conduct, to distinguish and adapt this noble talent, with respect to the differences of per- sons and of times. Cicero understood this very well, when writing to a friend in England, with a caution, among other matters, to beware of being cheated by our hackney-coachmen, who, it seems, in those days, were as arrant rascals as they are now, has these remarkable words : Est quod gaudeas te in ista loca venisse, ubi aliquid sapere viderere.* For, to speak a bold truth, it is a fatal miscarriage, so ill to order affairs, as to pass for a fool in one company, when in another you might be treated as a philosopher. Which I desire some certain gentlemen of my acquaintance to lay up in their hearts, as a very seasonable inuendo. This indeed was the fatal mistake of that worthy gentleman, my most ingenious friend, Mr. W tt n, a person, in ap- pearance ordained for great designs, as well as performances, whether you will consider his notions or his looks. Surely no man ever advanced into the public with fitter qualifications of body and mind for the propagation of a new religion. Oh! had those happy talents, misapplied to vain philosophy, been turned into their proper channels of dreams and visions, where distortion of mind and countenance are of such sovereign use, the base detracting world would not then have dared to report, that something is amiss, that his brain hath undergone an un- lucky shake ; which even his brother modernists themselves, like ungrates, do whisper so loud, that it reaches up to the very garret I am now writing in. Lastly, Whosoever pleases to look into the fountains of eo- l* Epi$t. ad Fam, Trebatio.} A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS. 101 thusiasm, from whence in all ages, have eternally proceeded such fattening streams, will find the spring- head to have been is troubled and muddy as the current. Of such great emolument is a tincture of this vapour, which the world calls madness, that, without its help, the world would not only be deprived of those two great blessings, con- quests and systems, but even all mankind would unhappily be reduced to the same belief in things invisible. Now, the former postulatum being held, that it is of no import from what originals this vapour proceeds, but either in what angles it strikes, and spreads over the understanding, or upon what species of brain it ascends; it will be a very delicate point, to cut the feathrr, and divide the several reasons to a nice and curious reader, how this numerical difference iu the brain can produce effects of so vast a difference from the same vapour, as to be the sole point of indiviiiuation between Alexander the Great, Jack of Leyden, and Monsieur Des Cartes. The pre- sejit argument is the most abstracted that ever I engaged in : it strains my faculties to their highest stretch : and I desire the reader to attend with the utmost propensity ; for I nowproceed to unravel this knotty point. Tl;ere is in mankind a certain * * * * * * * * * * # ** *** **#**#%# * * Hie MvJta * * * * ## # ^ * desiderantur. * # ## * # # * * * * (*.) And this I take to be a clear solution of the matter. Having therefore so narrowly passed through this intricate difficulty, the reader will, I am sure, agree with me in the conclusion, that, if the moderns mean by madness only a disturbance or transposition of the brain, by force of certain vapours issuing up from the lower faculties, then has this madness been the parent of all those mighty revolutions that have happened in empire, in philosophy, and in religion. For the brain, in its natural position and state of serenity, dis- poseth its owner to pass his life in the common forms, without any thoughts of subduing multitudes to his own power, his rea- sons, or his visions : and the more he shapes his understand- ing by the pattern of human learning, the less he is inclined * Here is another defect in the manuscript ; but I think the author did wisely, and that the matter which thus strained his faculties, was not worth a solution ; and it were well if all metaphysical cobweb problems were no otherwise answered. I 2 102 A TALE OF A TUB. to form parties after his particular notions ; because that in structs him in his private infirmities, as well as in the stubborn ignorance of the people. But when a man's fancy gets astride on his reason, when imagination is at cuffs with the senses, and common understanding, as well as common sense, is kicked out of doors, the first proselyte he makes, is himself; and when that is once compassed, the difficulty is not so great in bringing over others; a strong delusion always operating from without as vigorously as from within. For cant and vision are to the ear and the eye the same that tickling is to the touch. Those entertainments and pleasures we most value in life, are such as dupe and play the wag with the senses. For if we take an examination of what is generally understood by happiness, as it has respect either to the understanding or the senses, we shall find all its properties and adjuncts will herd under this short definition. That it is a perpetual possession of heing well deceived. And, first, with relation to the mind or understanding, it is manifest what mighty advantages fic- tion has over truth : and the reason is just at our elbow; be- cause imagination can build nobler scenes, and produce more wonderful revolutions, than fortune or nature will be at ex- pense to furnish. Nur is mankind so much to blame in his choice thus determining him, if we consider that the debate merely lies between things past, and things conceived. And so the question is only this : Whether things that have place in the imagination, may not as properly be said to exist, as those that are seated in the memory 1 Which may be justly held in the affirmative : and very much to the advantage of the former ; since this is acknowledged to be the womb of things, and the other allowed to be no more than the grave. Again, if we take this definition of happiness, and examine it with reference to the senses, it will be acknowledged wonder- fully adapt. How fading and insipid do all objects accost us that are not conveyed in the vehicle of delusion ! How shrunk is every thing as it appears in the glass of nature ! So that, if it were not for the assistance of artificial mediums, false lights, refracted angles, varnish, and tinsel, there would be a mighty level in the felicity and enjoyments of mortal men. If this were seriously considered by the world, as I have a certain reason to suspect it hardly will, men would no longer reckon among their high points of wisdom, the art of exposing weak sides, and publishing infirmities : An employment, in my opinion, neither better nor worse than that of unmasking; which I think has never been allowed fair usage, either in the world or the playhouse. A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS. 103 In the proportion that credulity is a more peaceful posses- sion of the mind than curiosity, so far preferable is that wis- dom which converses about the surface, to that pretended philosophy which enters into the depth of things, and then comes gravely back with informations and discoveries, that in the inside they are good for nothing. The two senses to which all objects first address themselves, are the sight and the touch. These never examine farther than t le colour, the shape, the size, and whatever other qualities dwell, or are drawn by art upon the outward of bodies ; and then comes reason officious- ly, with tools for cutting, and opening, and mangling, and piercing, offering to demonstrate, that they are not of the same consistence quite through. Now, I take ail this to be the last degree of perverting nature; one of whose eternal laws it is, to put her best furniture forward. And therefore, in order to save the charges of all such expensive anatomy for the time to come, I do here think fit to inform the reader, that, in such conclusions as these, reason is certainly in the right ; and that in most corporeal beings which have fallen under my cognisance, the outside hath been infinitely preferable to the in. Whereof I have been farther convincecfTrom some late experiments. Last week I saw a woman flayed, and you will hardly believe how much it altered her person for the worse. Yesterday I ordered the carcase of a beau to be stript in my presence ; when we were all amazed to find so many unsus- pected faults under one suit of clothes. Then I laid open his brain, his heart, and hte spleen. But I plainly perceived at every operation, that the farther we proceeded, we found the defects increase upon us in number and bulk. From all which I justly formed this conclusion to myself. That whatever philosopher or projector can find out an art to solder and patch up the flaws and imperfections of nature, will deserve much better of mankind, and teach us a more useful science, than that so much in present esteem, of widening and exposing them, (like hjm who held anatomy to be the ultimate end of physic.) And he whose fortunes and dispositions have placed him in a convenient station to enjoy the fruit of this noble art; he that can, with Epicurus, content his ideas with the films and images that fly off upon his senses from the superficies of things; such a man, truly wise, creams off nature, leaving the sour and the dregs for philosophy and reason to lap up. This is the sublime and refined point of felicity, called the pos- session of being well deceived ; the serene peaceful stale of being a fool among knaves. But to return to madness: It is certain, that, according ID 104 A TALE OF A TUB the system I ha^e above deduced, every species thereof pro- ceeds from a redundancy of vapour ; therefore, as some kinds of phrensy give double strength to the sinews, so there are other species, which add vigour, and life, and spirit, to the brain. Now, it usually happens, that these active spirits, get- ting possession of the brain, resemble those that haunt other waste and empty dwellings, which, for want of business, either vanish, and carry away a piece of the house, or else stay at home, and fling it all out of the windows. By which are mystically displayed the two principle branches of madness ; and which some philosophers, not considering so well as I, have mistook to be different in their causes ; over hastily as- signing the first to deficiency, and the othei to redundance. I think it therefore manifest, from what I have here advanc- ed, that the main point of skill and address, is, to furnish em- ployment for this redundancy of vapour, and prudently to ad- just the seasons of it; by which means it may certainly become of cardinal and catholic emolument in a commonwealth. Thus one man, chosing a proper juncture, leaps into a gulph, from thence proceeds a hero, and is called the saviour of his country : another achieves the same enterprise; but unluckily timing it, has left the brand of madness fixed as a reproach upon his memory. Upon so nice a distinction are we taught to repeat the name of Curtius with reverence and love; that of Empe- docles, with hatred and contempt. Thus also it is usually conceived, that the elder Brutus only personated the fool and madman for the good of the public. But this was nothing else than a redundancy of the same vapour, long misapplied, call- ed by the Latins, ingenium par negotiisf or, (to translate it as nearly as I can,) a sort of phrensy, never in its right element till you take it up in the business of the state. Upon all which, and many other reasons of equal weight though not equally curious, I do here glady embrace an op- portunity I have long sought for, of recommending it as a very noble undertaking, to Sir E d S r, Sir C r M ve, Sir J n B Is, J n H w, Esq. ; and other patriots concerned, that they would move for leave to bring in a bill, for appointing commissioners to inspect into Bedlam, and the parts adjacent; who shall be empowered to send for persons, papers, and records ; to examine into the merits and qualifications of every student and professor; to observe with the utmost exactness their several dispositions and behaviour; by which means, duly distinguishing and adapting their talents, they might produce admirable instru- ments for the several offices in a state,f * * [* Tacit.] tEcclesiastical. A DIGRESSION CONCERNING MADNESS. 105 rivil and military ; proceeding in such method as I shall here humbly propose. And I hope the gentle reader will give some allowance to my great solicitudes in this important affair, upon account of that high esteem I have ever borne that honour- able society, whereof I had sometime the happiness to be an unworthy member. Is any student tearing his straw in piece-meal, swearing and blaspheming, biting his grate, foaming at the mouth, and emp- tying his pisspot in the spectators' faces? Let the right wor- shipful the Commissioners of inspection gfve him a regiment of dragoons, and send him into Flanders among the rest. Is another eternally talking, sputtering, gaping, bawling, in a sound without period or article? What wonderful talents are nere mislaid ! Let him be furnished immediately with a green bag and papers, and three-pence* in his pocket, and away with him to Westminster-hall. You will find a third gravely taking the dimensions of his kennel; a person of foresight and insight, though kept quite in the dark ; for why, like Moses ecce cornuta^ erat ejus fades. He walks duly in one pace; entreats your penny with due gravity and ceremony ; talks much of hard times, and taxes, and the whore of Babylon ; bars up the wooden window of his c"ell constantly at eight o'clock ; dreams of fire, and shop- lifters, and court-customers, and privileged places. Now. what a figure would all these acquirements amount to, if the owner were sent into the city among his brethren ! Behold a fourth, in much and deep conversation with himself; biting his thumbs at proper junctures ; his countenance checquered with business and design ; sometimes walking very fast, with his eyes nailed to a paper that he holds in his hands; a great saver of time; somewhat thick of hearing; very short of sight, hut more of memory ; a man ever in haste, a great hatcher and breeder of business, and excellent at the famous art of whispering nothing; a huge idolator of monosyllables and procrastination; so ready to give his word to every body, that he never keeps it; one that has forgotten the common mean ing of words, but an admirable retainer of the sound ; extremely subject to the looseness, for his occasions are perpetually call- ing him away. If you approach his grate in his familiar in- tervals, " Sirj (says he,) give me a penny, and I'll sing you a * A lawyer's coach-hire, when four together come in an hackney- coach to Westminster-hall. t Cornutus is either horned or shining ; and by this terra Moses in described in the vulgar Latin of the Bible. 106 A TALE OF A TUB. song ; but give me the penny first." (Hence comes the com- mon saying, and commoner practice, of parting with money for a song.) What a complete system of court skill is here described in every branch of it, and all utterly lost with wrong application? Accost the hole of another kennel, first stopping your nose, you will behold a surly, gloomy, nasty, slovenly mortal, raking in his own dung, and dabbling in his urine. The best part of his diet, is the reversion of his own ordure; which, expiring into steams, whirls perpetually about, and at last re-infunds. His complexion is of a dirty yellow, with a train scattered beard, exactly agreeable to that of his diet, upon its first declination ; like other insects, who having their birth and education in an excrement, from thence borrow their colour and their smell. The student of this apartment is very sparing of his words, but somewhat over-liberal of his breath; he holds his hand out ready to receive your penny, and im- mediately upon receipt, withdraws to his former occupations. Now, is it not amazing, to think, the society of Warwick-lane should have no more concern for the recovery of so useful a member, who, if one may judge from these appearances, would become the greatest ornament to that illustrious body 1 Another student struts up fiercely to your teeth, puffing with his lips, half squeezing out his eyes, and very graciously holds you out his hands to kiss. The keeper desires you not to be afraid of this professor, for he will do you no hurt. To him alone is allowed the liberty of the anti-chamber ; and the orator of the place gives you to understand, that this solemn person is a tailor, run mad with pride. This considerable student is adorned with many other qualities, upon which, at present, I shall no farther enlarge, Hark in your ear* I am strangely mistaken, if all his address, his motions, and his airs, would not then be very natural, and in their proper element. I shall not descend so minutely as to insist upon the vast number of beaux, fiddlers, poets, and politicians, that the world might recover by such a reformation. But what is more ma- terial, besides the clear gain redounding to the commonwealth by so large an acquisition of persons to employ, whose talents and acquirements, if I may be so bold to affirm it, are now buried, or at least misapplied ; it would be a mighty advantage accruing to the public from this enquiry, that all these would * I cannot conjecture what the author means here, or how this chasm could be filled, though it is capable of more than one tation. A TALE OF A TUB. 107 very much excel, and arrive at great perfection in their seve- ral kinds ; which, I think, is manifest from what I have al- ready shown; and shall enforce by this one plain instance, That even I myself, the author of these momentous truths, am a person, whose imaginations are hard mouthed, and ex- ceedingly disposed to run away with his reason, which I have observed from long experience, to be a very light rider, and easily shook off: upon which account my friends will never trust me alone, without a solemn promise, to vent my specu- lations in this, or the like manner, for the universal benefit of human kind ; which, perhaps, the gentle, courteous, and can- did reader, brimful of that modern charity and tenderness usu- ally annexed to his office, will be very hardly persuaded to believe. ^ SECTION X. A TALE OF A TUB.* IT is an unanswerable argument of a very refined age, the wonderful civilities that have passed of late years between the nation of authors, and that of readers. There can hardly pop out a play, a pamphlet, or a poem, without a preface full of acknowledgments to the world, for the general reception and applause they have given it; which the Lord knows where, or when, or how, or from whom it received.f In due defer- ence to so laudable a custom, I do here return my humble thanks to his Majesty, and both houses of Parliament ; to the Lords of the King's Most Honorable Privy Council ; to the Reverend the Judges ; to the Clergy, and Gentry, and Yeo- manry, of this land ; but, in a more especial manner, to my worthy brethren and friends at Will's coffee-house, and Gres- ham college, and Warwick-lane, and Moorfields, and Scotland- yard, and Westminster-hall, and Guildhall; in short, to all inhabitants and retainers whatsoever, either in court, or church, or camp, or city, or country, for their generous and universal * This section has, in former editions, been entitled a Tale of a Tub, but the Tale not being continued till Section XI. and this being only a further digression, no appology can be thought necessary for making the title correspond with the contents. t This is literally true, as we may observe in the prefaces to moat )lays, poems, &c. 108 A TALE OF A TUB. acceptance of this divine treatise. I accept their approbation and good opinion with extreme gratitude; and, to the utmost of my poor capacity, shall take hold of all opportunities to return the obligation. I am also happy, that fate has flung me into so blessed an age for the mutual felicity of booksellers and authors, whom I may safely affirm to be at this day the two only satisfied par- ties in England. Ask an author how his last piece has suc- ceeded : " Why, truly, he thanks his stars, the world has been very favourable, and he has not the least reason to complain. And yet, by G , he wrote it in a week, at fits and starts, when he could steal an hour from his urgent affairs;" as it is a hun- dred to one, you may see farther in the preface, to which he refers you ; and for the rest, to the bookseller. There you go as a customer, and make the same question : " He blesses his God, the thing takes wonderfully ; he is just printing a second edition, and has but three left in his shop." You beat down the price: "Sir, we shall not differ;" and, in hopes of your custom another time, lets you have it as reasonable as you please; "and, pray, send as many of your acquaintances as you will, I shall upon your account furnish them all at the same rate." Now, is it not well enough considered, to what accidents and occasions the world is indebted for the greatest part of those noble writings which hourly start up to entertain it. If it were not for a rainy day, a drunken vigil, a fit of the spleen, a course of physic, a sleepy Sunday, an ill run at dice, a long tailor's bill, a beggar's purse, a factious head, a hot sun, cos- tive diet, want of books, and a just contempt of learning ; but for these events, I say, and some others, too long to recite, (especially a prudent neglect of taking brimstone inwardly,) I doubt, the number of authors, and of writings, would dwindle away to a degree most woful to behold. To confirm this opinion, hear the words of the famous Troglodyte philosopher. " It is certain (said he) some grains of folly are of course an- nexed, as part of the composition-of human nature ; only the choice is left us, whether we please to wear them inlaid or em- bossed : and we need not go very far to seek how that is usu- ally determined, when we remember, it is with human facul- ties as with liquors, the lightest will be ever at the top." There is in this famous island of Britain, a certain paltry scribbler, very voluminous, whose character the reader cannot wholly be a stranger to. He deals in a pernicious kind of writings, called second parts, and usually passes under the name of The author of the first. I easily foresee, that as soon as A TALE OF A TUB. 109 I lay down my pen, this nimble operator will have s;ole it, and treat me as inhumanly as he hath already done Dr. Bl re, L ge, and many others Avho shall here be nameless. I therefore fly for justice and relief, into the hands of that great rectifier of saddles,* and lover of mankind, Dr. B tley, beg- ging he will take this enormous grievance into his most modern consideration ; and if it should so happen, that the furniture of an ass, in the shape of a second part, must for my sins be clapped by a mistake upon my back; that he will immediately please, in the presence of the world, to lighten me of the bur- den, and take it home to his own house, till the true beast think fit to call for it. In the mean time I do here give this public notice, that my resolutions are, to circumscribe within this discourse the whole stock of matter I have been so many years providing. Since my vein is once opened, I am content to exhaust it all at a running, for the peculiai advantage of my dear country, and for the universal benefit of mankind. Therefore hospitably considering the number of my guests, they shall have my whole entertainment at a meal ; and I scorn to set up the leav- ings in the cupboard. What the guests cannot eat, may be given to the poor : and the dogs under the table may gnaw the bones.f This I understand for a more generous proceed- ing/than to turn the company's stomachs, by inviting them again to-morrow to a scurvy meal of scraps. If the reader fairly considers the strength of what I have ad- vanced in the foregoing section, I am convinced it will produce a wonderful revolution in his notions "and opinions; and lie will be abundantly better prepared to receive and to relish the concluding part of this miraculous treatise. Readers may be divided into three classes; the superficial, the ignorant, and the learned; and I have with much felicity fitted my pen to the genius and advantage of each. The superficial reader will be strangely provoked to laughter ; which clears the breast and the lungs, is sovereign against the spleen, and the most inno- cent x of all diuretics. The ignorant reader (between whom and the former the distinction is extremely nice) will find himself disposed to stare : whic i is an admirable remedy for ill eyes, serves to raise and enliven the spirits, and wonderfully helps the perspiration. But the reader, truly learned, chiefly for whose benefit I wake when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, will here find sufficient matter to employ hix * Alluding to the trite phrase, place the saddle on the right horse, t By dogs the author means common injudicious critics, and he ex- plains it himself before, in his Digression upon Critics. K 110 A TALE OF A TUB. speculations for the rest of his life. It were much to be wished, and I do here humbly propose for an experiment, that every prince in Christendom will take seven of the deepest scholars in his dominions, and shut them up close for seven years, in seven chambers, with a command to write seven ample com- mentaries on this comprehensive discourse. I shall venture to affirm, that whatever difference may be found in their seve- ral conjectures, they will be all, without the least distortion, manifestly deducible from the text. Mean time, it is my earnest request, that so useful an undertaking may be entered upon, if their Majesties please, with all convenient spee'd ; be- cause I have a strong inclination, before I leave the world, to taste a blessing, which we mysterious writers can s&ldorn reach, till we have got into our graves ; whether it is that fame, being a fruit grafted on the body, can hardly grow, and much less ripen, till the stock is in the earth; or whether she be a bird of prey, and is lured among the rest, to pursue after the scent of a carcase; or whether she conceives her trumpet sounds best and farthest, when she stands on a tomb, by the advantage of a rising ground, and the echo of a hollow vault. It is true, indeed, the republic of dark authors, after they once found out this excellent expedient of dying, have been peculiarly happy in the variety, as well as extent of their rep- utation. For, night being the universal mother of things, wise philosophers hold all writings to be fruitful in the pro- portions they are dark; and therefore the true illuminated* (that is to say, the darkest of all) have met with such num- ber'ess commentators, whose scholastic midwifery hath deliv- ered them of meanings, that the authors themselves perhaps never conceived, and yet may very justly be allowed the law- ful parents of them ; the words of such writers being like seed, which, however scattered at random, when they light upon a fruitful ground, will multiply far beyond either the hopes or imagination of the sower.f And therefore, in order to promote so useful a work, I will here take leave to glance a few innuendos, that may be of great assistance to those sublime spirits who shall be appointed to labour in an universal comment upon this wonderful discourse * A sect of the Rosycrucians. These were fanatic alchymists, who, in search after the great secret, had invented a means altogether pro- portioned to their end ; it was a kind of theological philosophy, made up of almost equal mixtures of Pagan Platonism, Christian Quietism, and the Jewish Cabbala. Warburton on the Rape of the Lock. t Nothing is more frequent than for commentators to force interpre- tations which the author never meant. A TALE OF A TUB. Ill And, first, I have couched a very profound mystery in the number of Os multiplied by seven, and divided by nine.* Also, if a devout brother of the Rosy Cross will pray fervently for sixty-three mornings, wilh a lively faith, and then trans- pose certain letters and syllables according to prescription, in the second and fifth sections ; they will certainly reveal into a full receipt of the opus magnum. Lastly, whoever will be at the pains to calculate the whole number of each letter in this treatise, and sum up the difference exactly between the several numbers, assigning the true natural cause for every such dif- ference ; the discoveries in the product will plentifully reward his labour. But then he must beware of bythus and sige,] and be sure not to forget the qualities of acamoth; a cujus la- crymis humecta prodit substantia, a risu lucida, a tristilia solida, et a timore mobilis ; wherein Eugenius Philalethes$ hath com- mitted an unardonable mistake. SECTION XI. A TALE OF A TUB. AFTER so wide a compass as I have wandered, I do now gladly overtake, and close in with my subject ; and shall * This is what the cabalists among the Jews have done with the Bible, and pretend to find wonderful mysteries by it. 1 1 was told by an eminent divine, whom I consulted on this point, that these two barbarous words, with that of acamoth and its qualities, as here set down, are quoted from Irenaeus. This he discovered by searching that ancient writer for another quotation of our author, which he has placed in the title-page, and refers to the book and chapter. The curious were very inquisitive, whether these barbarous words, Basima ecabasa, $-c. are really in Irenanis ; and upon inquiry it was found they were a sort of cant or jargon of certain heretics, and there- fore very properly prefixed to such a book as this of our author. [t Vid. Anima magica. abscondita.] $ To the above mentioned treatise, called Anthroposophia Theoma- gica, there is another annexed, called Anima Magica Abxcondila, written by the same author Vaughan, under the name of Eugenius Philalethes ; but in neither of those treatises is there any mention of acamoth, or its qualities : so that this is nothing but amusement, and a ridicule of dark, unintelligible writers ; only the words a cujus la- crymis, un never entered upon his diurnal progress, without missing a piece of it. He hired a tailor to * The papists and fanatics, though they appear the most averse to each other, yet bear a near resemblance in many things, as has been observed by learned men. Ibid. The agreement of our dissenters and the papists in that which Bishop Stillingfleet called the fanaticism of the church of Rome, is ludicrously described for sev< ral pages together, by Jack's likeness to IVier, and ihfir being ofien mistaken for each other, and their fre- quent meeting when they least in:et:ded it. W. Wotion. A TALE OF A TUB. 119 stich up the collar so close, that it was ready to choak him; and squeezed out his eyes at such a rate, as one could see no- thing but the white. What little was left of the main sub- stance of the coat, he rubbed every day, for two hours, against a rough-cast wall, in order to grind away the remnants of lace and embroidery ; but, at the same time, went on with so much violence, that he proceeded a Heathen philosopher. Yet, after all he could do of this kind, the success continued still to disappoint his expectation. For as it is the nature of rags, to bear a kind of mock resemblance to finery ; there being a sort of fluttering appearance in both, which is not to be distinguished at a distance, in the dark, or by short sighted eyes: so, in those junctures, it fared with Jack and his tatters, that they offered to the first view a ridiculous flanting ; which, assisting the resemblance in person and air, thwarted all his projects of separation, and left so near a similitude between them, as fre- quently deceived the very disciples and followers cf both. * * * * * * * Desuntnon- ******** nulkt. * # # * * * ##### The old Sclavonian proverb said well, That " it is with men, as with asses; whoever would keep them fast, must find a very good hold at their ears." Yet I think we may affirm, .hat it hath been verified by repeated experience, that, Effugiet tamen hcec sceleratus vincula Proteus. It is good, therefore, to read the maxims of our ancestors, with great allowances to times and persons. For, if we look into primitive records, we shall find, that no revolutions have been so great, or so frequent, as those of human ears. In former days, there was a curious invention to catch and keep them ; which, I think, we may justly reckon among the artes perditce. And how can it be otherwise, when, in these latter centuries, the very species is not only diminished to a very lamentable degree, but the poor remainder is also degenerated so far, as to mock our skilfullest tenure? For if the only slit- ting of one ear in a stag hath been found sufficient to propagate the defect through a whole forest, why should we wonder at the greatest consequences, from so many loppings and mutila- tions, to which the ears of our fathers and our own have been of late so much exposed ? It is true, indeed, that while this island of ours was under the dominion of grace many endea- Tours were made to improve th growth of eirs once more 120 A TALE OJP A TUB. among u, The proportion of largeness was not only looked upon as an ornament of the outward man, but as a type of grace in the inward. Besides, it is held by naturalists, that if there be a protuberancy of parts in the superior regions of the body, as in the ears and nose, there must be a parity also in the inferior. And therefore, in that truly pious age, the males in every assembly, according as they were gifted, ap- peared very forward in exposing their ears to view, and the regions abcrut them ; because Hippocrates tells us, that "when the vein behind the ear happens to be cut, a man becomes a eunuch. '** And the females were nothing backwarder in be- holding and edifying by them : whereof those who had alrea- dy used the means, looked about them with great concern, in hopes of conceiving a suitable offspring by such a prospect. Others, who stood candidates for benevolence, found there a plentiful choice ; and were sure to fix upon such as discovered the largest ears, that the breed might not dwindle between them. Lastly, the devouter sisters, who looked upon all ex- traordinary dilatations of that member as protrusions of zeal, or spiritual excrescences, were sure to honour every head they sat upon, as if they had been cloven tongues; but especially that of the preacher, whose ears were usually of the prime magnitude; which, upon that account, he was very frequent and exact in exposing with all advantages to the people ; in his rhetorical paroxysms, turning sometimes to hold forth the jne, and sometimes to hold forth the other. From which custom, the whote opinion of preaching is to this very day, among their professors, styled by the phrase of holding forth. Such was the progress of the saints for advancing the size of that member ; and it is thought the success would have been every way answerable, if, in process of time, a cruel king had not arose, who raised a bloody persecution against all ears above a certain standard.! Upon which, some were glad to hide flourishing sprouts in a black border ; others crept wholly under a periwig; some were slit, others cropped, and a great number sliced off to the stumps. But of this more hereafter in my General History of Ears; which I design very speedily to bestow upon the public. From this brief survey of the falling state of ears in the last age, and the small care had to advance their ancient growth in the present, it is manifest, how little reason we can have to [* Lib. de&re, locis, et aquis.] t This was King Charles II. who, at his restoration, turned out aJ! the dissenting teachers that would not conform. A TALE OF A TUB. lil rc-ly upon a hold so short, so weak, and so slipprry : anu iliat whoever desires to catch mankind fast, must have recourse 10 some otli-er methods. Now, he that will examine human na- ture with circumspection enough, may discover several hand- les, whereof the six* senses afford one a-piece, besides a great number that are screwed to the passions, and some few rivet- ed to the intellect. Among these last, curiosity is one, and, of all others, affords the firmest grasp; curiosity, that spur in. the side, that bridle in the mouth, that ring in the nose of a lazy, an impatient, and a grunting reader. By this handle it is, than an author should seize upon his readers; which, as soon as he hath once compassed, all resistance and struggling are in vain ; and they become his prisoners as close as he pleases, till wearinsss or dulness force him to let go his grip. And therefore I, the author of this miraculous treatise, hav- ing hitherto, beyond expectation, maintained, by the aforesaid handle, a firm hold upon my gentle readers; it is with reluct- ance that I am at length compelled to remit my grasp ; leav- ing them in the perusal of what remains to that natural osci- tancy inherent in the tribe. I can only assure thee, cour- teous reader, for both our comforts, that my concern is altogether equal to thine, for my unhappiness in losing, or mislaying among my papers, the remaining part of these memoirs ; which consisted of accidents, turns, and adventures, both new, agreeable, and surprising; and therefore calculated, in all due points, to the delicate taste of this our noble age. But, alas ! with my utmost endeavours I have been able only to retain a few of the heads. Under which there was a full account, how Peter got a protection out of the King's bench ; and of a recon- cilement between Jack and him, upon a design they had in a certain rainy night to trepan brother Martin into a spunging- house, and there strip him to the skin ;f how Martin, with much ado, showed them both a fair pair of heels ; how a new warrant came out against Peter; upon which, how Jack left him in the lurch, stole his protection, and made use of it him- self. How Jack's tatters came into fashion in court and city ; [* Including Scaligers.] t In the reign of King James II. the presbyterians, by the King's invitation, joined with the papists against the church of England, and addressed him for repeal of the penal laws and test. The King, by his dispensing power, gave liberty of conscience, which both papists and presbylerians made use of. But upon the revolution, the papists being down of course, the presbyterians freely continued their assem- blies, by virtue King James' Indulgence, before they had a toleration by law. This, I believe, the author means by Jack's stealing Peter's protection, and making use of it himself. 122 A TALE OF A TUB. how he got upon a great horse,* and ate custard.f But the particulars of all these, with several others, which have now slid out of my memory, are lost beyond all hopes of recovery. For which misfortune, leaving my readers to condole with each other, as far as they shall find it to agree with their several constitutions; but conjuring them by all the friendship that hath passed between us, from the title-page to this, not to pro- ceed so far as to injure their heaKhs, for an accident past rem- edy ; I now go on to the ceremonial part of an accomplished writer ; and therefore, by a courtly modern, lest of all others to be omitted. THE CONCLUSION. GOING too long is a cause of abortion, as effectual, though not so frequent, as going too short; and holds true especially in the labours of the brain. Well fare the heart of that noble JesuitJ who first adventured to confess in print, that books must be suited to their several seasons, like dress, and diet, and diversions : and better fare our noble nation, for refining upon this among other French modes. I am living fast to see the time, when a book that misses its tide, shall be neglected, as the moon by day, or like mackt rel a week after the season. No man hath more nicely observed our climate, than the book- seller who bought the copy of this work. He knows to a tittle what subjects will best go off in a dry year, and which it is proper to expose foremost when the weather-glass is fallen to much rain. When he had seen this treatise, and consulted his almanac upon it, he gave me to understand, that he had manifestly considered the two principal things, which were, the bulk and the subject ; and found it would never take, but after a long vacation ; and then only, in case it should happen to be a hard year for turnips. Upon which I desired to know, considering my urgent necessities, what he thought might be acceptable this month. He looked westward, and said, "I doubt we shall have a fit of bad weather; however, if you could prepare some pretty little banter, but not in verse, or a small treatise upon the , it would run like wild fire. But if it hold up, I have already hired an author to write some- * Sir Humphry Edwyn, a presbyterian, was some years ago Lord Mayor of London, and had the insolence to go in his formalities to a conventicle with the ensigns of his office. t Custard is a famous dish at a lard Mayor's feast. [I Pere d' Orleans.} THE CONCLUSION. 123 thing against Dr. B tl y, which I am sure will turn to account.* At length we agreed upon this expedient, That when a customer comes for one of these, and desires in confidence to know the author; he will tell him very privately, as a friend, na tning whichever of the wits shall happen to be that week in the vogue ; and if Durfey's last play should be in course, 1 had as lieve, he may be the person as Congreve. This I men- tion, because I am wonderfully well acquainted with the pre- sent relish of our courteous readers; and have often observed, with singular pleasure, that a fly, driven from a honey-pot, will immediately, with very good appetite, alight, and finish his meal on an excrement. 1 have one word to say upon the subject of profound writers, who are grown very numerous of late ; and I know very well the judicious world is resolved to list me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the business of being profound, th*t it is with writers, as with wells ; a person with good eyes may see to the bottom of the deepest, provided any water be there ; and that often when there is nothing in the world at the bot- tom, besides dry ness and' dirt, though it be but a yard and half under ground, it shall pass however for wonderous deep, upon no wiser a reason than because it is wonderous dark. I am now trying an experiment very frequent among mod- ern authors ; which is, to write upon nothing : when the sub- ject it utterly exhausted, to let the pen still move on ; by some called, "the ghost of wit, delighting to walk after the death of its body. And to say the truth", there seems to be no part of knowledge in fewer hands, than that of discerning when to have done. By the time that an author has wrote out a book, he and his readers are become old acquaintance, and grow very loth to part ; so that I have sometimes known it to be in writing, as in visiting, where the ceremony of taking leave has employed more time than the whole conversation before. The conclusion of a treatise resembles the conclusion of human lite, which hath sometimes been compared to the end of a feast ; where few are satisfied to depart, ut plenui vitas conviva: for men will sit down after the fullest meal, though it be only to doze, or to sleep out the rest of the day. But, in this latter, 1 differ extremely from other writers ; and shall be too proud, * When Dr. Prideaux brought the copy of his connexion of the Old and New Testament to the bookseller, he told him it was a dry sub- ject, and the printing could not safely be ventured, unless he could nliven it with a little humour. 124 A TALE OF A TUB. if by all my labours I can have any ways contributed to the repose of mankind, in times so turbulent and unquiet as these.* Neither do I think such an employment so very alien from the office of a writ, as some would suppose. For among a very polite nation in Greece,f there were the same temples built and consecrated to Sleep and the Muses, between which two deities they believed the strictest friendship was established. I have one concluding favour to request of my reader, That he will not expect to be equally diverted and informed by every line or every page of this discourse; but give some allowance to the authors' spleen, and short fits or intervals of dulness, as well as his own ; and lay it seriously to his con- science, ''whether, if he were walking the streets in dirty wea- ther or a rainy day, he would allow it fair dealing in folks at their ease from a window, to critic his gait, and ridicule his dress at such a juncture. In my disposure of employments of the brain, I have though' fit to make invention the master, and to give method and rea- son the office of its lacqueys. The cause of this distribution was, from observing it my peculiar case, to be often under a temptation of being witty, upon occasion where I coujd be neither wise nor sound, nor any thing to the matter in hand. And I am too much a servant of the modern way, to neglect any such opportunities, whatever pains or improprieties I may be at, to introduce them. For I have observed, that from a laborious collection of seven hundred thirty-eight flowers and shining hints of the best modern authors, digested with great reading into my book of common places, I have not been able, after five years, to draw, hook, or force into com- mon conversation, any more than a dozen. Of which dozen, the one moiety failed of success, by being dropped among unsuitable company ; and the other cost me so many strains, and traps, and ambages to introduce, that I at length resolved to give it over. Now, this disappointment, (to discover a secret,) I must own gave me the first hint of setting up for an author ; and I have since found among some particular friends, that it is became a very general complaint, and has produced the same effects upon many others. For I have remarked many a towardly word to be wholly neglected or despised in discourse, which hath passed very smoothly, with some consideration and esteem, after its preferment and sanc- tion in print. But now, since, by the liberty and encourage- * This was wrote before the peace of Ryswick. [t Trezenii, Pausan, I. 2.J THE CONCLUSION. 125 inent of the press, I am grown absolute master of the occasions and opportunities to expose the talents I have acquired, I al- ready discover, that the issues of my observanda begin to grow too large for the receipts. Therefore I shall here pause a while, till I find, by feeling the world's pulse, and my own, that it will be of absolute necessity for us both to resume my pen. EHD OF THE TALE OF A TUB. OF THE BATTLE FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY, BETWEEN THE ANCIENT AND THE MODERN BOOKS IN 0t. James' Cibrarg. 12T THE BOOKSELLER TO THE READER. THE following discourse, as it is unquestionably of the same author, so it seems to have been written about the same time with the former; I mean the year 1697, when the famous dispute was on foot, about ancient and modern learning. The controversy took its rise from an essay of Sir William Temple upon that subject ; which was answered by W. Wotton, B. D. with an appendix by Dr. Bentley, endeavouring to destroy the credit of ^Esop and Phalaris, for authors, whom Sir William Temple had, in the essay before mentioned, highly commended. In that Appendix, the Doctor falls hard upon a new edition of Phalaris, put out by the Honourable Charles Boyle, now earl of Orrery ; to which Mr. Boyle replied at large with great learning and wit; and the Doctor voluminous- ly rejoined. In this dispute, the town highly resented to see a person of Sir William Temple's character and merits rough- ly used by the two Reverend gentlemen aforesaid, and without any manner of provocation. At length, there appearing no end of the quarrel, our author tells us, that the BOOKS in St. James' library, looking upon themselves as parties principally concerned, took up the controversy, and came to a decisive battle ; but the manuscript, by the injury of fortune, or weather, being in several places imperfect, we cannot learn to which side the victory fell. I must warn the reader, to beware of applying to persons, what is here meant only of books in the most literal sense. So, when Virgil is mentioned, we are not to understand the person of a famous poet called by that name ; but only certain sheets of paper, bound up in leather, containing in print the works of the said poet : and so of the rest. 129 THE PREFACE OF THE AUTHOR. SATIRE is a sort of a glass, wherein beholders do generally discover every body's face but their own ; which is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets in the world, and that so very few are offended with it. But if it should happen otherwise, the danger is not great; and I have learned from long experience, never to apprehend mischief from those un- derstandings I have been able to provoke. For anger and fury, though they add strength to the sinews of the body, yet are found to relax those of the mind, and to render all its efforts feeble and impotent. There is a brain that will endure but one scumming ; let the owner gather it with discretion, and manage his little stock with husbandry. But of all things let him beware of bringing it under the lash of his betters ; because that will make it all nubble up into impertinence, and he will find no new supply : Wit without knowledge being a sort of cream, which gathers in a night to the top, and by a skilful hand may be soon whipt into froth ; but once scummed away, what appears undernratb. will be fit for nothing, but to be thrown to the hogs. 130 A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE, FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY, &c. WHOEVER examines with due circumspection into the an- nual records of Time, will rind it remarked, that War is the child of Pride, and Pride the daughter of Riches.* The for- mer of which assertions may be soon granted ; but one cannot so easily subscribe to the latter. For pride is nearly related to beggary and want, either by father or mother, and sometimes by both : and to speak naturally, it very seldom happens among men to fall out, when all have enough ; invasions usually travelling from north to south, that is to say, from poverty upon plenty. The -most ancient and natural grounds of quar- rels, are lust and avarice ; which, though we may allow to be brethren or collateral branches of pride, are certainly the issues of want. For to speak in the phrase of writers upon the po- litics, we may observe in the republic of dogs, fwhich in its original seems to be an institution of the many,) mat the whole state is ever in the profoundest peace, after a full meal ; and that civil broils arise among them, when it happens for one great bone to be seized on by some leading dog, who either divides it among the few, and then it falls to an oligarchy ; or keeps it to himself, and then it runs up to a tyranny. The same reasoning also holds place among them, in those dissen- sions we behold upon a turgescency in any of their females. For, the right of possession lying in common, (it being impos- sible to establish a property in so delicate a case,) jealousies and suspicions do so abound, that the whole commonwealth of that street is reduced to a manifest state of war, of every citizen against every citizen ; till some one of more courage, conduct, or fortune than the rest, seizes and enjoys the prize; upon which naturally arises plenty of heart-burning, and envy, and snarling against the happy dog. Again, if we look upon any of these republics engaged in a foreign war, either of in- [* Riches produceth pride ; pride is war's ground, &c. Vid. Ephem. de Mary Clark, opt. edit.] 131 132 THE BATTLE OP THE ?OOKS. vasion or defence, we shall find the same reasoning will serve, as to the grounds and occasions of each ; and that poverty, or want, in some degree or other, (whether real, or in opinion, which makes no alteration in the case,) has a great share, as well as pride, on the part of the aggressor. Now, whoever will please to take this scheme, and either reduce or adapt it to an intellectual state, or commonwealth of learning, will soon discover the first ground of disagreement between the two great parties, at this time in arms ; and may form just conclusions upon the merits of either cause. But the issue or events of this war are not easy to conjecture at : for the present quarrel is so inflamed by the warm heads of either faction, and the pretensions somewhere or other so ex- orbitant, as not to admit the least overtures of accommodation. This quarrel first began, (as I have heard it affirmed by an old dweller in the neighbourhood) about a small spot of ground, lying and being upon one of the two tops of the hill Parnassus ; the highest and largest of which had, it seems, been, time out of mind, in quiet possession of certain tenants called the An cients ; and the other was held by the Moderns. But these, disliking their present station, sent certainembassadors to the Ancients, complaining of a great nuisance, how the height of that part of Parnassus quite spoiled the prospect of theirs, especially towards the east; and therefore to avoid a war, of- fered them the choice of this alternative, Either that the An- cients would please to remove themselves and their effects down to the lower summit, which the Moderns would gra- ciously surrender to them, a-nd advance in their place; or else, that the said Ancients will give leave to the Moderns, to come with shovels and mattocks, and level the said hill as low as they shall think it convenient. To which the Ancients made answer, How little they expected such a message as this, from a colony whom they had admitted, out of their own free grace, to so near a neighbourhood : That as to their own Beat, they were Aborigines of it ; and therefore to talk with them of a removal or surrender, was a language they did not understand : That if the height of the hill on their side short- ened the prospect of the Moderns, it was a disadvantage they could not help ; but desired them to consider, whether that in- jury, if it be any, were not largely recompensed by the shade and shelter it afforded them : That as to the leveling or dig- ging down, it was either folly or ignorance to propose it, if they did, or did not know, how that side of the hill was an en- tire rock, which would break their toola and hearts without tny damage to itself: That they would therefore advise the THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 133 Moderns, rather to raise their own side of the hill, than dream of pulling down that of the Angients ; to the former of which they would not only give license, but also largely contribute. All this Avas rejected by the iVloderns, with much indignation ; who still insisted upon one of the two expedients. And so this difference broke out into a long and obstinate war ; maintained on the one party by resolution, and by the courage of certain leaders and allies ; but on the other, by the greatness of their number, upon all defeats affording continual recruits. In this quarrel, whole rivulets of ink have been exhausted, and the virulence of both parties enormously augmented. Now, it must here be understood, that ink is the great missile weapon in all battles of the learned, which, conveyed through a sort of engine called a quill, infinite numbers of these are darted at the enemy, by the valiant on each side, with equal skill and violence, as if it were an engagement of porcupines. This malignant liquor was compounded by the engineer who in- vented it, of two ingredients, which are gall and copperas; by its bitterness and venom, to suit in some degree, as well as to foment the genius of the combatants. And as the Grecians, after an engagement, when they could not agree about the victory, were wont to set up trophies on both,sides; the beaten party being content to be at the same expense, to keep itself in' countenance, (a laudable and ancient custom, happily re- vived of late in the art of war;) so the learned, after a sharp and bloody dispute, do on both sides hang out their trophies too, which ever comes by the worst. These trophies have largely inscribed on them the merits of the cause ; a full im- partial account of such a battle, and how the victory fell clearly to the party that set them up. They are known to the world under several names; as, Disputes, Arguments, Rejoinders, Brief Considerations, Answers, Replies, Remarks, Reflections, Objections, Confutations. For a very few days they are fixed up in all public places, either by themselves or their represen- tatives,* for passengers to gaze at: from whence the chiefest and largest are removed to certain magazines they call libraries, there to remain in a quarter purposely assigned them, and from thenceforth begin to be called books of controversy. In these books is wonderfully instilled, and preserved, the spirit of each warrior, while he is alive; and after his death, his soul transmigrates there, to inform them. This, at least, is the more common opinion. But I bt lieve, it is with libraries as with other cemeteries, where some [ hilosophers affirm, that [* Their title-pages, j M 134 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. a certain spirit, which they call brutum &onni,hoversovprthe monument, till the body is corrupted, and turns to dust or to worms, but then vanishes or dissolves: so we may say, a restless spirit haunts over every book, till dust or worms have seized upon it; which to some may happen in a few days, but to others later. And therefore, books of controversy, being 01* all others haunted by the most disorderly spirits, have al- ways been confined in a separate lodge from the rest ; and for fear of mutual violence against each other, it was thought prudent by our ancestors, to bind them to the peace with strong iron chains. Of which invention the original occasion was this. When the works of Scotus first came out, they were carried to a certain great library, and had lodgings ap- pointed them ; but this author was no sooner settled, than he went to visit his master Aristotle, and there both concerted together, to seize Plato by main force, and turn him out from his ancient station among the divines, where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred years. The attempt succeeded, and the two usurpers have reigned ever since in his stead. But to maintain quiet for the future, it was decreed, that all polemics of the larger size should be held fast with a chain. By this expedient, the public peace of libraries might certainly have been preserved, if a new species of controversial books had not arose of late years, instinct with a most malig- nant spirit, from the war above mentioned, between thelearned, about the higher summit of Parnassus. When these books were first admitted into the public libraries, I remember to have said upon occasion, to several persons concerned, how I was sure they would create broils wherever they came, unless a world of care were taken ; and therefore I advised, that the champions of each side should be coupled together, or otherwise mixed, that, like the blending of con- trary poisons, their malignity might be employed among them- selves. And it seems I was neither an ill prophet, nor an ill counsellor: for it was nothing else but the neglect of this caution which gave occasion to the terrible fight that happened on Friday last between the Ancient and Modern books in the King's library. Now, because the talk of this battle is so fresh in every body's mouth, and the expectation of the town so great, to be informed in the particulars ; I, being possessed of all qualifications requisite in an historian, and retained by neither party, have resolved to comply with the urgent impor- tunity of my friends, by writing down a full impartial account thereof. The guardian of the regal library, a person of great valour 1HE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 135 but chiefly renowned for his humanity,* had been a fierce champion for the Moderns; and, in an engagement upon Parnassus, had vowed, with his own hands to knock down two of the Ancient chiefs, who guarded a small pass on the superior rock: but endeavouring to cliiub up, was cruelly obstructed by his own unhappy weight, and tendency towards his centre : A quality to which those of the Modern party are extremely subject; for beinslisht-headed, they have in specula- tion a wonderful agility, and conceive nothing too high for them to mount; but in reducing to practice, discover a mighty pressure about their posteriors and their heels. Having thus failed in his design, the disappointed champion bore a cruel rancour to the Ancients; which he resolved tc gratify, by showing all marks of his favour to the books of their adver- saries, and lodging them in the fairest apartments ; when at the same time, whatever book had the boldness lo own itself for an advocate of the Ancients, was buried alive in some obscure corner, and threaiened, upon the least displeasure, to be turned out of doors. Besides, it so happened, that about this time there was a strange confusion of place among all the books in the library ; for which several reasons were assigned. Some imputed it to a great heap of learned dust, which a per- verse wind blew off from a shelf of Moderns into the keeper's eyes. Others affirmed he had a humour to pick the worms out of the shoolmen, and swallow them fresh and fasting; where- of some fell upon his spleen, and some climbed.up into his head, to the great perturbation of both. And, lastly, others main- tained, that, by walking much in the dark about the library, he had quite lost the situation of it out of his head ; and, therefore, in replacing his books, he was apt to mistake, and clap Des Cartes next to Aristotle; poor Plato had got between Hobbes and the Seven Wise Masters; and Virgil was hemmed in with Dryden on one side, and Withers on the other. Meanwhile, those books that were advocates for the Moderns, chose out one from among them, to make a progress through the whole library, examine the number and strength of their party, and concert their affairs. This messenger performed all things very industriously, sad brought back with him a list of their forces, in all fifty thousand, consisting chiefly of light horse, heavy-armed foot, and mercenaries : whereof the * The Honourable Mr. Boyle, in the preface to his edition of Phalaris, says, he was refused a manuscript by the library -keeper, 970 tolita humanitate sua. Doctor Bentley was then library keeper, \be two ancients were Phalaris and JEsop. 136 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. foot were in general but sorrily armed, and worse clad ; theit horses large, but extremely out of case and heart. However, some few, by trading among the Ancients, had furnished them- selves tolerably enough. While things were in this ferment, discord grew extremely high, hot words passed on both sides, and ill blood was plenti- fully bred. Here a solitary Ancient, squeezed up among a whole shelf of Moderns, offered fairly to dispute the case, and to prove, by manifest reasons, that .the priority was due to them, from long possession, and in regard of their prudence, antiquity, and, above all, their great merits towards the Moderns. But these denied the premises ; and seemed very much to wonder, how the Ancients could pretend to insist upon their antiquity, when it was so plain, (if they went to that,) that the Moderns were much the more Ancient* of the two. As for any obligations they owed to the Ancients, they renounced them all. " It is true, (said they,) we are informed, some few of our party have been so mean to borrow their subsistence from you. But the rest, infinitely the greater number, (and especially we French and English,) were so far from stooping to so base an example, that there never passed, till this very hour, six words between us. For our horses are of our own breeding, our arms of our own forging, and our clothes of our own cutting out and sewing." Plato was by chance upon the next shelf, and observing those that spoke to be in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago ; their jades lean and foundered, their weapons of rotton wood, their armour rusty, and nothing but rags underneath; he laughed loud, and, in his pleasant way, swore, By G , he believed them. Now, the Moderns had not proceeded in their late negocia- tion with secrecy enough to escape the notice of the enemy. For those advocates who had begun the quarrel by setting first on foot the dispute of precedency, talked so loud of coming to a battle, that Temple happened to overhear them, and gave immediate intelligence to the Ancients; who thereupon drew up their scattered troops together, resolving to act upon the defensive. Upon which several of the Moderns fled over to their party, and among the-rest Temple himself. This Temple, having been educated and long conversed among the Ancients, was, of all the Moderns, their greatest favourite, and became their greatest champion. Things were at this crisis, when a material accident fell out. For, upon the highest corner of a large window there dwelt [* According to the modern paradox.] THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 137 a certain spider, swoln up to the first magnitude by the destruc- tion of infinite numbers of flies, whose spoils Jay scattered before the gates of his palace, like human bones before the cave of some giant. The avenues to his castle were guarded with turnpikes and pallisadoes, all after the Modern way of fortification. After you had passed several courts, you came to the centre, wherein you might behold the constable himself in his own lodgings, which had windows fronting to each avenue, and ports to sally out upon all occasions of prey or defence. In this mansion he had for sometime dwelt in peace and plenty, without danger to his person by swahbws from above, or to his palace by brooms from below ; when it was the pleasure of fortune to conduct thither a wandering bee, to whose curi- osity a broken pane in the glass had discovered itself, and in he went; where expatiating a while, he at last happened to alight upon one of the outward walls of the spider's citadel ; which, yielding to the unequal weight, sunk down to the very foundation. Thrice he endeavoured to force his passage, and thrice the centre shook. The spider within, feeling the terrible convulsion, supposed, at first, that nature was approaching to her final dissolution ; or else, that Beelzebub, with all his legions, was come to revenge the death of many thousands of his sub- jects, whom this enemy had slain and devoured. However, he, at length, valiantly resolved to issue forth and meet his fate. Meanwhile the bee had acquitted himself of his toils, and, posted securely at some distance, was employed in cleans- ing his wings, and disengaging them from the ragged remnants of the cobweb. By this time the spider waadventured out; when, beholding the chasms, the ruins and the dilapidations of his fortress, he was very near at his wit's end. He stormed and swore like a madman, and swelled till he was ready to burst. At length, casting his eyes upon the bee, and wisely gathering causes from events, (for they know each other by sight,) " A plague split you (said he) for a giddy son of a whore. Is it you, with a vengeance, that have made this lit- ter here? Could you not look before you, and be d n'd? Do you think I have nothing else to do, (in the devil's name,) but to mend and repair after your arse "?" " Good words, (friend, said the bee, having now pruned himself, and being disposed to droll ;) I will give you my hand and word to come near your kennel no more : I was never in such a confounded pickle since I was born." " Sirrah, (replied the spider,) if it were not for breaking an old custom in our family, never to stir abroad against an enemy, I should come and teach you M 2 88 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS- better manners." I pray have patience, (said the bee,) or you will spend your substance ; and, for ought I see, you may stand in need of it all towards the repair of your house." "Rogue! Rogue! (replied the spider;) yet methinks you should have more respect to a person, whom all the world al- lows to be so much your betters." " By my troth, (said the bee,) the comparison will amount to a very good jest; and you will do me a favour to let me know the reasons that all the world is pleased to use in so hopeful a dispute." At this, the spider, having swelled himself into the size and posture of a disputant, began his argument in the true spirit of controversy, with a resolution to be heartily scurrilous and angry; to urge on his own reasons, without the least regard to the answers or objections of his opposite; and fully predetermined in his mind against all conviction. "Not to disparage myself (said he) by the comparison with such a rascal, what art thou but a vagabond, without house or home, without stock or inheritance ; born to no possession of your own, but a pair of wings and a drone pipe? Your live- lihood is an universal plunder upon nature; a freebooter over fields and gardens; and, for the sake of stealing, will rob a nettle as readily as a violet. Whereas I am a domestic animal, furnished with a native stock within myself. This large castle (to show my improvement in the mathematics) is all built with my own hands, and the materials Attracted altogether out of my own person." "I am glad (answered the bee) to hear you grant at least, that I am come honestly by my wings and my voice : for then, it seems, I am obliged to Heaven alone for my flights and my music ; and Providence would never have bestowed on me two such gifts, without designing them for the noblest ends. I visit indeed all the flowers and blossoms of the field and the garden : but whatever I collect from thence, enriches myself, without the least injury to their beauty, their smell, or their taste. Now, for you, and your skill in architecture and other mathematics, I have little to say. In that building of your's, there might, for ought I know, have been labour and method enough ; but, by woful experience for us both, it is too plain, the materials are nought ; and I hope you will henceforth take warning, and consider duration and matter, as well as method and art. You boast indeed of being obliged to no other crea- ture, but of drawing and spinning out all from yourself; that is to say, if we may judge of the liquor in the vessel by what issues out, you possess a good plentiful store of dirt and poison n your breast. And though I would by no means lessen or THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 139 disparage your genuine stock of either, yet, I doubt, you are somewhat obliged for an increase of both to a little foreign assistance. Your inherent portion of dirt does not fail of ac- quisitions, by sweepings exhaled from below ; and one insect furnishes you with a' share of poison to destroy another. So that, in short, the question comes all to this, Whether is the nobler being of the two, that which, by a lazy contemplation of four inches round, by an overweening pride, which, feeding and engendering on itself, turns all into excrement and venom, producing nothing at all, but flybane and cobweb; or that, which, by an universal range, with leng search, much study, true judgment, and distinction of things, brings home honey and wax?" This dispute was managed with such eagerness, clamour, and warmth, that the two parties of books in arms below, stood silent awhile, waiting in suspense what would be the issue. Which was not long undetermined : for the bee, grown impatient at so much loss of time, fled straight away to a bed of roseSj without looking for a reply ; and let the spider, like an orator collected in himself, and just prepared to burst out. It happened upon this emergency, that ^Esop broke silence first. He had been of late most barbarously treated, by a strange effect of the Regent's humanity,** who had torn off his title-page, sorely defaced one half of his leaves, and chained him fast among a shelf of Moderns. Where soon discovering how high the quarrel was like to proceed, he tried all his arts, and turned himself to a thousand forms. At length, in the borrowed shape of an ass, the Regent mistook him for a Modern; by which means, he had time and opportunity to escape to the Ancients, just when the spider and the bee were entering into their contest : to which he gave his attention with a world of pleasure ; and when it was ended, swore in the loudest key, that, in all his life, he had never known two cases so parallel and adapt to each other, as that in the window, and this upon the shelves. " The disputants (said he) have admir- ably managed the dispute between them, have taken in the fulf strength of all that is to be said on both sides, and exhausted the substance of every argument pro and con. It is but to ad- just the reasonings of both to the present quarrel, then to com- pare and apply the labours and fruits of each, as the bee has learnedly deduced them ; and we shall find the conclusion fall plain and close upon the Moderns and us For pray, gentle- men, was ever any thing so modem as the spider; in his air, * Bentley, who denied the antiquity of JEsop , eee note page 77. 140 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. his turns, and his paradoxes ? He argues in the behalf of you his brethren, and himself, with many boastings of his native stock, and great genius; that he spins and spits wholly from himself, and scorns to own any obligation or assistance from without. Then he displays to you his great skill in architect- ure, and improvement in the mathematics. To all tliis, the bee, as an advocate retained by us the Ancients, thinks fit to answer, That if one may judge of the great genius or invention of the Moderns, by what they have produced, you will hardly have countenance to bear you out in boasting of either. Erect your schemes with as much method and skill as you please; yet if the materials be nothing but dirt, spun out of your own entrails, (the guts of modern brains,) the edifice will conclude at last in a cobweb; the duration of which, like that of other spiders' webs, may be imputed to their being begotten, or neglected, jr hid in a corner. ' For any thing else of genuine, that the Moderns may pretend to, I cannot recollect; unless it be a large vein of wrangling and satire, much of a nature and substance with the spider's poison ; which, however, they pretend to spit wholly out of themselves, is improved by the same arts, by feeding upon the insects and vermin of the age As for us the Ancients, we are content with the bee to pre- tend to nothing of our own, beyond our wings and our voice; that is to say, our flights and our language. For the rest, whatever we have got, has been by infinite labour and search, and ranging through every corner of nature. The difference is, that instead of dirt and poison, we have rather chose to fill our hives with honey and wax ; thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of things, which are, sweetness and light." It is wonderful to conceive the tumult arisen among the books, upon the close of this long descant of ^9Esop ; both parties took the hint, and heightened their animosities so on a sudden, that they resolved it should come to a battle. The Moderns on their parts were in very warm debates upon the choice of their leaders ; and nothing less than the fear impend- ing from their enemies, could have kept them from mutinies upon this occasion. The difference was greatest among the horse, where every private trooper pretended to the chief command, from Tasso and Milton, to Dryden and Withers. The light-horse were commanded by Cowley and* Despreaux. There came the bowmen under their valiant leaders, Des Cartes, Gassendi, and Hobbes ; whose strength was such, .hat they could shoot their arrows beyond the atmosphere, " More commonly known by the name of Boileau. THE "ATTLE OP THE BOOKS. 141 never to fall down again, but turn, like that of Evander, into meteors, or, like the cannon-ball, into stars. Paracelsus brought a squadron of stink-pot flingers from the snowy mountains of Raetia. There came a vast body of dragoons of different nations, under the leading of Hervey,* their great Aga ; part armed with scythes, the weapons of death; part with lances and long knives, all steeped in poison ; part shot bullets of a most malignant nature, and used white powder, which infallibly killed without report. There came several bodies of heavy- armed foot, all mercenaries, under the ensigns of Guicciardini, Davila, Polydore, Virgil, Buchanan, Mariana, Camden, and others. The engineers were commanded by Regiomontanus and Wilkins. The rest were a confused multitude, led by Scotus, Aquinas, and Bellarmine ; of mighty bulk and stature, but without either arms, courage, or discipline. In the last place, came infinite swarms of calones,f a disorderly rout, led by L'Estrange; rogues and ragamuffins, that follow the camp for nothing but the plunder; all without coatsj to cover them. The army of the Ancients were much fewer in number. Homer led the horse, and Pindar the light-horse : Euclid was chief engineer ; Plato and Aristotle commanded the bowmen ; Herodotus and Livy the foot; Hippocrates the dragoons; the allies led by Vossius, and Temple brought up the rear. All things violently tending to a decisive battle, Fame, who much frequented, and had a large apartment formerly assign- ed her in the regal library, fled straight up to Jupiter, to whom she delivered a faithful account of all that passod between the two parties below. (For, among the gods, she always tells truth.) Jove, in great concern, convokes a council in the Milky Way. The senate assembled : he declares the occasion of convening them; a bloody battle just impending between two mighty armies of Ancient and Modern creatures, called books, wherein the celestial interest was but too deeply con- cerned. Momus, the patron of the Moderns, made an excel- * Dr. Hervey who discovered the circulation of the blood, a dis- covery much insisted on by the advocates for the Moderns, and ex- cepted against as false by Sir William Temple in his essay. t Calones, by calling this disorderly rout Calones, the author points both his satire and contempt against all sorts of mercenary scribblers, who write as they are commanded by the leaders and patrons of sedi- tion, faction, corruption and every evil work : they are styled Calonea because they are the meanest and most despicable of all writer?) ; aa the Calones, whether belonging to the army or private families, were the meanest of all slaves or servants whatsoever. t These are pamphlets, which are not bound or covered. 142 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. lent speech in t;ir favour; which was answered by Pallas, the protectress of the Ancients. The assembly was divided in their affections ; when Jupiter commanded the book of Fate to be laid before him. Immediately were brought by Mercury, three large volumes in folio, containing memoirs of all things past, present, and to come. The clasps were of silver, double gilt ; the covers of celestial turkey-leather, and the paper such as here on earth might almost pass for vellum. Jupiter, having silently read the decree, would communicate the im- port to none, but presently shut up the book. Without the doors of this assembly, there attended a vast number of light, nimble gods, menial servants to Jupiter. These are his ministering instruments in all Affairs below. They travel in a caravan, more or less together, and are fast- ened to each other like a link of galley-slaves, by a light chain, which passes from them to Jupiter's great toe. And yet in receiving or delivering a message, they may never approach above the lowest step of his throne, where he and they whis- per to each other through a long hollow trunk. These deities are called by mortal men, Accidents, or Events ; hut the gods call them, Second Causes. Jupiter having delivered his mes- sage to a certain number of these divinities, they flew imme- diately down to the pinnacle of the regal library, and, consult- ing a few minutes, entered unseen, and disposed the parties according to their orders. Mean while, Momus, fearing the worse, and calling to mind an ancient prophecy, which bore no very good face to his children the Moderns, bent his flight to the region of a malignant deity.- called Criticism. She dwelt on \\e top of a snowy mountair. in Nova Zembla. There Momus found her extended in her den, upon the spoils of numberless volumes half devoured. At her right hand sat Ignorance, her father and husband, blind with age ; at her left, Pride, her mother, dressing her up in the scraps of paper herself had torn. There was Opinion, her sister, light of foot, hood-winked, and head- strong; yet giddy, and perpetually turning. About her play- ed her children, Noise, and Impudence, Dulness, and Vanity, Positiveness, Pedantry, and Ill-manners. The goddess herself had claws like a cat; her heal, and ears, and voice, resem- bled those of an ass ; her teeth fallen out before ; her eyes turned inward, as if she looked only upon herself; her diet was the overflowing of her own gall ; her spleen was so large, as to stand prominent like a dug of the first rate; nor wanted ex- crescences in form of teats, at which a crew of ugly monsters were greedily sucking; and, what is wonderful to conceive. THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 113 the bulk of spleen increased faster than the sucking could di- minish it. " Goddess, (said Momus,) can you sit idly here, while our devout worshippers, the Moderns, are this minute en- tering into a cruel battle, and perhaps, now lying under the swords of their enemies ? Who then hereafter will ever sacri- fice, or build altars to our divinities? Haste therefore to the British isle, and, if possible, prevent their destruction ; while I make factions among the gods, and gain them over to our party." Momus, having thus delivered himself, staid not for an answer, but left the goddess to her own resentment. Up she rose in a rage ; and, as it is the form upon such occasions, began a soliloquy. " It is 1, (said she,) who give wisdom to infants and idiots ; by me children grow wiser than their parents ; by me beaux become politicians, and school-boys judges of philoso- phy ; by me sophisters debate, and conclude upon the depths of knowledge; and coffee-house wits, instinct by me, can cor- rect an author's style, and display his minutest errors, without jnderstanding a syllable of his matter or his language; by me striplings spend their judgment, as they do their estate before it comes into their hands. It is I who have deposed wit and knowledge from their empire over Poetry, and advanc- ed myself in their stead. And shall a few upstart Ancients dare to oppose me? But, come, my aged parents, and you my children dear, and tliou my beauteous sister; let us ascend my chariot, and haste to assist our devout Moderns, who are now sacrificing to us a hecatomb, as I preceive by that grate- ful smell which from thence reaches my nostrils." The goddess and her train having mounted the chariot, which was drawn by tame geese, flew over infinite regions, shedding her influence in due places, till, at length, she arrived at her beloved island of Britain. But, in hovering over its metropolis, what blessings did she not let fall upon her seminaries of Gresham and Covent garden ! And now" she reached the fatal plain of St. James's Library, at what time the two armies were upon the point to engage ; where entering with all her caravan unseen, and landing upon a case of shelves, now de- sert, but once inhabited by a colony of virtuosos, she staid a while to observe the posture of both armies. But here the tender cares of a mother began to fill her thoughts and move in her breast. For, at the head of a troop of Modern bowmen, she cast her eyes upon her son W tt n ; to whom the fates had assigned a very short thread ; W tt n, a young hero, whom an unknown father of mortal race begot 144 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. by stolen embraces with this goddess. He was the darling of his mother, above all her children ; and she resolved to go and comfort him. But first, according to the good old custom of deities, she cast, about her to change her shape ; for fear the divinity of her countenance might dazzle his mortal sigbt, and overcharge the rest of his senses. She therefore gathered up her person into an octavo compass. Her body grew white and arid, and split in pieces with dryness ; the thick turned into pasteboard, and the thin into paper ; upon which her pa- rents and children artfully strewed a black juice or decoction of gall and soot in form of letters; her head, and voice, and spleen, kept their primitive form ; and that whk h before was a cover of skin, did still continue so. In this guise she marched on towards the Moderns undis- tinguishable in shape and dress from the divine B ntl y, W tt n's dearest friend. " Brave W tt n, (said the goddess,) why do our troops stand idle here, to spend their present vigour, and opportunity of the day ? Away, let us haste to the general?, and advise to give the onset immediate- ly." Having spoke thus, she took the ugliest of her monsters, full glutted from her spleen, and flung it invisibly into his mouth; which, flying straight up into his head, squeezed out his eye-balls, gave him a distorted look, and half over-turned his brain. Then she privately ordered two of her beloved chil- dren, Dulness and Ill-manners, closely to attend his person in all encounters. Having thus accoutered him, she vanished in a mist; and the hero perceived it was the goddess, his mother. The destined hour of fate being now arrived, the fight began ; whereof, before I dare adventure to make a particular descrip- tion, I must, after the example of other authors, petition for a hundred tongues, and mouths and hands, and pens ; which would all be too little to perform so immense a work. Say, goddess, that presidest over history, who it was that first ad- vanced in the field of battle. Paracelsus, at the head of his dragoons, observing Galen in the adverse wing, darted his javelin with a mighty force ; which the brave Ancient received upon his shield, the point breaking in the second fold. * * * * * Hie pauca desunt. They bore the wounded Aga* on their shields to his chariot. ***** Desunt non- nullu. Then Aristotle, observing Bacon advance with a furious * Doctor Hervey, it was not thought proper to name his antagonist, bat only to imitate that he was wounded ; other Moderns are spared by the hiatus that follows probably for similar reasons. THE BATTLii OF THE BOOKS. 145 linen, drew his bow to the head, and let fly his arrow ; which missed the valiant Modern, and went hissing over his head. But Des Cartes is hit: the steel point quickly found a delect in his head piece ; it pierced the leather and the pasteboard, and went in at his right eye. The torture of the pain whirled the valiant bowman round, till death, like a star of superior influence, drew him into his own vortex. ****** * Ing-ens hiatus hie in MS. When Homer appeared at the head of the cavalry, mounted on a furious horse, with difficulty managed by the rider himself, but which no other morial durst approach. He rode among the enemy's ranks, and bore down all before him. Say, goddess, whom he slew first, and whom he slew last. First, Gondibert* advanced against him, clad in heavy armour, and mounted on a staid sober gelding, not so famed for his speed, as his docility in kneeling, whenever his rider would mount or light. He had made a vow to Pallas, that he would never leave the field, till he had spoiled Homer of his armour ;f madman ! who had never once seen the wearer, nor understood his strength. Him Homer overthrew, horse and man, to the ground ; there to be trampled and choaked in the dirt. Then, with a long spear, he slew Denham, a stout Modern; who, from his father's side, derived his lineage from Apollo, but his mother was of mortal race.J He fell r and bit the earth. The celestial part Apollo took, and made it a star ; but the terrestrial lay wal- lowing upon the ground. Then Homer slew W si y, with a kick of his horse's heel. He took Perrault by mighty force out of his saddle, then hurled him at Fontenelle ; with the same blow dashing out both their brains. On the left wing of the horse, Virgil appeared in shining armour, completely fitted to his body. He was mounted on a dapple-gray steed ; the slowness of whose pace was an effect of the highest mettle and vigour. He cast his eye on the ad- verse wing, with a desire to find an object worthy of his val- our ; when, behold, upon a sorrel gelding, of a monstrous size, appeared a foe issuing from among the thickest of the enemy's squadrons : but his speed was less than his noise; for his horse, old and lean, spent the dregs of his strength in a high trot ; which, though it made slow advances, yet caused * An heroic poem by Sir William Davenant. [t Vid. Homer.] \ Sir John Denham's poems are very unequal, extremely good, and very indifferent ; so that his detracters said, he waa not the real author of Cooper's Hill. N 146 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. a loud clashing of his armour, terrible to hear. The two cav aliers had now approached within a throw of a lance ; when the stranger desired a parley, and lifting up the vizard of his helmet, a face hardly appeared from within ; which, after a pause, was known for that of the renowned Dryden. The brave Ancient suddenly started, as one possessed with surprise and disappointment together: for the helmet was nine times too large for the head ; which appeared situate far in the hinder part, even like the lady in a lobster, or like a mouse under a canopy of state, or like a shrivelled beau from within the pent-house of a modern periwig : and the voice was suited to the visage, sounding weak and remote. Dryden, in a long harangue, soothed up the good Ancient, called him Father : and, by a large deduction of genealogies, made it plainly ap- pear, that they were nearly related. Then he humbly proposed an exchange of armour, as a lasting mark of hospitality be- tween them. Virgil consented, (for the goddess Diffidence came unseen, and cast a mist before his eyes,) though his was of gold, and cost a hundred beeves,* the other's but of rusty iron. However, this glittering armour became the Modern yet worse than his own. Then they agree to exchange horses ; but when it came to the trial, Dryden was afraid, and utterly unable to mount. ******** Jlller hiatus in MS. ##*#### Liican appeared upon a fiery horse, of admirable shape, but headstrong, bearing the rider where he nst, over the field. He made a mighty slaughter among the enemy's horse; which destruction to stop, Bl ckm re, a lamous Modern, (but one of the mercenaries,) strenuously op- posed himself; and darted a javelin with a strong hand, which, falling short of its mark, struck deep in the earth. Then Lucan threw a lance; but ^Esculapius came unseen, and turned off the point.f " Brave Modern, (said Lucan,) I per- ceive some god protects you ; for never did my arm so deceive me before. But what mortal can contend with a god ? There- fore let us fight no longer, but present gifts to each other." Lucan then bestowed the Modern a pair of spurs, and Bl ck- m re gave Lucan a bridle. ***** * * * * * * * Pauca desunt. Creech : but, the goddess Dulness took a cloud, formed into the shape of Horace, armed and mounted, and placed it in a flying posture before him. Glad was the cavalier to begin a combat with a flying foe, and pursued the image, threatening [* Vid Homer.} t His skill as a physician atoned for his dulness as a poet. THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 147 loud ; till al last it led him to the peaceful bower c f his lather Ogleby ; by whom he was disarmed, and assigned tc his repose. Then Pindar slew , and , and Oidharii, and , and Afra* the Amazon, light of foot; never advanc- ing in a direct line, but wheeling with incredible agility and force, he made a terrible slaughter among the enemy's light- horse. Him when Cowley observed, his generous heart burnt within him, and he advanced against the fierce Ancient, imi- tating his address, and pace and career, as well as the vigou* of his horse, and his own skill, would allow. When the two cavaliers had approached within the length of three javelins, first Cowley threw a lance; which missed Pindar, and passing into the enemy's ranks, fell ineffectual to the ground. Then Pindar darted a javelin, so large and weighty, that scarce a dozen cavaliers, as cavaliers are in our degenerate days, could raise it from the ground; yet he threw it with ease, and it went by an unerring hand singing through the air; nor could the Modern have avoided present death, if he had not luckily opposed the shield that had been given him by Venus.f And now both heroes drew their swords. But the Modern was so aghast and disordered, that he knew not where he was ; his shield dropt from his hands ; thrice he fled, and thrice he could not escape. At last he turned, and, lifting up his hands in the posture of a suppliant, " Godlike Pindar, (said he,) spare my life, and possess my horse with these arras, besides the ransom which my friends will give, when they hear I am alive, and your prisoner." " Dog, (said Pindar,) let your ransom stay with your friends ; but your carcase shall be left for the fowls of the air, and the beasts of the field." With that, he raised his sword, and, with a mighty stroke, cleft the wretched Modern in twain, the sword pursuing the blow ; and one half lay panting on the ground, to be trod in pieces by the horses' feet, the other half was borne by the frighted steed through the field. This Venus took, and washed it seven times in ambrosia ; then struck it thrice with a sprig of amarant : upon which the leather grew round and soft, and the leaves turned into feathers; and being gilded before, continued gilded still ; so it became a dore, and she harnessed it to her chariot. * ***#*** Hiatus in MS. Day being far spent, and the numerous forces of the Moderns half inclining to a retreat, there issued, forth, from a squadron of their heavy-armed foot, a captain, whose name was B nt- * Mrs. Afra Behn, author of many plays, novels, and poems. * His poem called the Mistress. 148 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 1 y ;* in person the most deformed of all the Moderns ; tall but without shape or comeliness ; large, but without strength or proportion. His armour was patched up of a thousand in- coherent pieces; and the sound of it as he marched was loud and dry, like that made by the fall of a sheet of lead, which an Etesian wind blows suddenly down from the roof of some steeple. His helmet was of old rusty iron, but the vizard was brass, which, tainted by his breath, corrupted into copperas, nor wanted gall from the same fountain ; so that, whenever provoked by anger or labour, an atramentous qualitv of most malignant nature was seen to distil from his lips. In his right handf he grasped a flail, and (that he might never be unprovided of an offensive weapon) a vessel full of ordure in his left. Thus completely armed, he advanced with a slow and heavy pace, where the Modern chiefs were holding a consult upon the sum of things; who, as he came onwards, laughed to behold his crooked leg and hurnp shoulder, which his boot and armour vainly endeavouring to hide, were forced to comply with, and expose. The generals made use of him for his talent of railing: which, kept within government, proved frequently of great service to their cause ; but at other times did more mischief than good ; for at the least touch of offence, and often without any at all, he would, like a wound- ed elephant, convert it against his leaders. Such at this junc- ture was the disposition of B ntl y, grieved to see the enemy prevail, and dissatisfied with every body's conduct but his own. He humbly gave the Modern generals to understand, that he conceived with great submission, they were all a pack of rogues, and fools, and sons of whores, and d n'd cow- ards, and confounded loggerheads, and illiterate whelps, and nonsensical scoundrels ; that if himself had been constituted general, those presumptuous dogs the Ancients would long before this have been beaten out of the field. J" You, said he, sit here idle ! but when I or any other valiant Modern kill any enemy, you are sure to seize the spoil. But I will not march one foot against the foe, till you all swear to me, that whom- soever I take or kill, his arms I shall quietly possess." B nt- 1 y having spoke thus, Scaliger bestowing him a sour look, "Miscreant prater, (said he,) eloquent only in thine own eyes, thou railest without wit, or truth, or discretion. The maligni- [* The episode of B ntl y and W tt n.] t The person here spoken of, is famous for letting fly at every body without distinction, and using mean and foul scurrilities. tt Fid. Homer, dt Tht-eite.} THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. I 40 ty of ihy temper perverteth nature, thy learning makes thes more barbarous; thy study of humanity, more inhuman; iby converse among poets, more grovelling, miry, and dulL Atf arts of civilizing others render thee rude and untractable courts have taught thee ill manners ; and polite conversatiot has finished thee a pedant. Besides, a greater coward burden- eth not the army. But never despond, I pass my word, what- ever spoil thou takest, shall certainly be thy own ; though I hope that vile carcase will first become a prey to kites and worms.' 1 B nil y durst not reply; but half choaked with spleen and rage, withdrew in full resolution of performing some great achievement. With him, for his aid and companion, he took his beloved W tt n ; resolving by policy or surprise, to attempt some neglected quarter of the Ancients' army. They began their march over carcases of their slaughtered friends ; then to the right of their own forces ; then wheeled northward, till they came to Aldrovandus's tomb; which they passed on the side of the declining sun. And now they arrived with fear towards the enemy's out guards, looking about, if haply they might spy the quarters of the wounded, or some strag- ling sleepers, unarmed, and remote from the rest. As when two mongrel curs, whom native greediness and domestic want provoke and join in partnership, though fearful, nightly to invade the folds of some rich grasier ; they, with tails de- pressed and lolling tongues, creep soft and slow. Meanwhile, the conscious moon, now in her zenith, on their guilty heads darts perpendicular rays ; nor dare they bark, though much provoked, at her refulgent visage, whether seen in puddle by reflexion, or in sphere direct; but one surveys the region round, while the other scouts the plain, if haply to discover at distance from the flock, some carcase half devoured, the refuse of gorged wolves, or ominous ravens : so marched this lovely loving pair of friends, nor with less fear and circum- spection ; when at distance they might perceive two shining suits of armour, hanging upon an oak, and the owners not far off in a profound sleep. The two friends drew lots, and the pursuing of this adventure fell to B nil y. On he went, and in his van Confusion and Amaze, while Horror and Affright brought up the rear. As he came near, behold two heroes of the Ancients' army, Phalaris and JEsop, lay fast asleep. B ntl y would fain have dispatched them both .; and stealing close, aimed his flail at Phalaris's breast. But then the goddess Affright interposing, caught the Modern in her icy arms, and dragged him from the danger she foresaw ; for both the dormant heroes happened to turn at the same in 150 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. slant, though soundly sleeping and busy in a dream.* Foi Phalaris was just that minute dreaming, how a most vile poetaster had lampooned him, and how he had got him roar- ing in his bull. And ^Esop dreamed, that as he and the Ancient chiefs were lying on the ground, a wild ass broke loose, ran about trampling and kicking, and dunging in their faces. B ntl y leaving the two heroes asleep, seized on both their armours, and withdrew in quest of his darling W tt n. He in the mean time had wandered long in search of some enterprise, till at length he arrived at a small rivulet that issued from a fountain hard by, called in the language of moital men, Helicon. Here he stooped, and parched with thirst, resolved to allay it in this limpid stream. Thrice with profane hands he essayed to raise the water to his lips, and thrice it slipt all through his fingers. Then he stooped prone on his breast ; but ere his mouth had kissed the liquid crystal, Apollo came, and in the channel held his shield betwixt the Modern and the fountain, so that he drew up nothing but mud. For although no fountain on earth can compare with the clearness of Heli- con, yet there lies at bottom a thick sediment of slime and mud ; for so Apollo begged of Jupiter, as a punishment to those who durst attempt to taste it with unhallowed lips, and for a lesson to all, not to draw too deep, or far from the spring. At the fountain head, W tt n discerned two heroes. The one he could not distinguish; but the other was soon known for Temple, general of the allies to the Ancients. His back was turned, and he was employed in drinking large draughts in his helmet, from the- fountain, where he had withdrawn himself to rest from the toils of the war. W tt n, observing him with quaking knees and trembling hands, spoke thus to himself. " Oh, that I could kill this destroyer of our army ! What renown should I purchase among the chiefs 1 But to issue out against him, man for man, shield against shield, and lance against lance,f what Modern of us dare? For he fights like a god ; and Pallas or Apollo are ever at his elbow. But, Oh, mother ! if what fame reports be true, that I am the son of so great a goddess, grant me to hit Temple with this lance, that the stroke may send him to hell, and that I may return in safety and triumph, laden with his spoils." The first part of his prayer the gods granted, at the intercession of his mother, and of Momus ; but the rest, by a perverse wind, sent from * This is according to Homer, who tells the dreams of those who were killed in their sleep, [t Vid. Bomsr.l THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. 151 fate, was scattered in the air. Then W tt n grasped his lance, and brandishing it thrice over his head, darted it with all his might ; the goddess, his mother, at the same time, add- ing strength to his arm. Away the lance went hissing, and reached even to the belt of the averted Ancient; upon which, Jghtly grazing, it fell to the ground. Temple neither felt the weapon touch him, nor heard it fall. And W tt n might have escaped to his army, with the honour of having emitted nis lance against so great a leader, unreyenged; hut Apollo, enraged, that a javelin, flung by the assistance of so foul a goddess, should pollute his fountain, put on the shape of, and softly came to young Boyle, who then accompanied Temple. He pointed first to the lance, then to the distant Modern that flung it, and commanded the young hero to take immediate revenge. Boyle, clad in a suit of armour which, had been given him by all the gods,* immediately advanced against the trembling foe, who now fled before him. As a young lion in the Libyan plains, or Arabian Desert, sent by his aged sire to hunt for prey, or health, or exercise; he scours along, wishing to meet some tiger from the mountains, or a furious boar; if chance a wild ass, with brayings importune, affronts his ear, the generous beast, though loathing to disdain his claws with blood so vile, yet much provoked at the offen- sive noise; which echo, foolish nymph, like her ill judging sex, repeats much louder, and with more delight than Philo- mela's song; he vindicates the honour of the forest, and hunts the noisy long-eared animal: so W tt n fled, so Boyle pur- sued. But W tt n heavy armed, and slow of foot, began to slack his course; when his lover B ntl y appeared, re- turning laden with the spoils of the two sleeping Ancients. Boyle observed him well ; and soon discovering the helmet and shield of Phalaris, his friend, both which he had lately with his own hands new polished and gilded ; rage sparkled in his eyes; and leaving his pursuit after W tt n, he furi- ously rushed on against this new approaches Fain would he be revenged on both ; hut both now fled different ways.f And as a woman in a little house, that gets a painful livelihood by spinning ;J if chance her geese be scattered over the com- - * Boyle was assisted in this dispute by Dean Aldrich, Doctor Atter- burry, afterwards bishop of Rochester, and other persons at Oxford, celebrated for their genius and learning then called the Christ church wits. [1 Vid. Homer.] \ This is also after the manner of Homer ; the woman's getting a 152 THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. mon, she courses round the plain from side to side, compelling here and there the stragglers to the flock ; they cackle loud, and flutter o'er the campa : gn : so Boyle pursued, so fled this pair of friends. Finding at length their flight was vain, they bravely joined, and drew themselves in phalanx. First, B ntl y threw a spear with all his force, hoping to pierce the enemy's breast. But Pallas came unseen, and in the air took off the point and clapped on one of lead, which, after a dead bang against the enemy's shield, fell blunted to the ground. Then Boyle, observing well his time, took a lance, of wondrous length and sharpness; and as this pair of friends compacted stood close side by side, he wheeled him to right, and with unusual force darted the weapon. B ntl y saw his fate approach ; and flanking down his arms close to his ribs, hoping to save his body ; in went the point, passing through arm and side : nor stopt, or spent itgjbrce, till it had also pierced the valiant W tt n ; who, going to sustain his dying friend, shared his fate. As when a skilful cook has trussed a brace of woodcocks, he, with iron skewer, pierces the tender sides of both, their legs and wings close pinioned to their ribs; so was this pair of friends transfixed, till down they fell, joined in their lives, joined in their deaths ; so closely joined, that Charon would mistake them both for one, and waft them over Styx for half his fare. Farewell, beloved, lov- ing pair; ..few equals have you left behind : and happy and immortal shall you be, if all my wit and eloquence can make you so. And now, * * Desunt Ccetera. painful livelihood by spinning, has nothing to do with the similitude, nc r would be excusable without such an authority. END OF THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS. A DISCOURSE CONCERNING THE JHecijamcnl pmttum rf t\)t IN A LETTER TO A FRIEND. A FRAGMENT. For T. H* Esq ; at his Chambers in the Academy of the Beau* Esprits in New- Holland. SIR, It is now a good while since I have had in my head something, not only very material, but absolutely necessary to my health, that the world should be informed in. For, to tell you a secret, I am able to contain it no longer. However, I have been perplexed for some time, to resolve what would be the most proper form to send it abroad in. To which end, I have been three days coursing through Westminster-hall, and St. Paul's church-yard, and Fleet-street, to peruse titles ; and I do not find any which holds so general a vogue, as that of A letter to a Friend. Nothing is more common than to meet with long epistles addressed to persons and places, where, at first thinking, one would be apt to imagine it not altogether so necessary or convenient; such as, a neighbour at next door, a mortal enemy, a perfect stranger, or a person of quality in the clouds ; and these upon subjects, in appearance, the least proper for conveyance by the post; as, long schemes in philosophy, dark and wonderful mysteries of state, laborious dissertations in criticism and philosophy, advice to parliaments and the like. Now, Sir, to proceed after the method in present wear: (for, let me say what I will to the contrary, I am afraid you * Supposed to be Col. Hunter, author of the Letter of Enthusiasm mentioned in the Apology for the Tale of a Tub. This discourse is not altogether equal to the two former, the best parts of it being omitted. Whether the bookseller's account be true, that he durst not print the rest, I know not. : nor iiKleed is it easy to determine, whether he may be relied on in any thing lie says of this, or the former treatises, only as to the time they were written in; which, however, appears more from the discourses themselves thaa his relation. 153 154 ON THE MECHANICAL will publish this letter, as soon as ever it comes to your hands :) I desire you will be my witness to the world, how careless and sudden a scribble it has been : that it was but yesterday, when you and I began accidentally to fall into discourse on this matter ; that I was not very well when we parted ; that the post is in such haste, I have had no manner of time to digest it into order, or correct the style : and if any other modern excuses, for haste and negligence, shall occur to you in read- ing, I beg you to insert them, faithfully promising they shall be thankfully acknowledged. Pray, Sir, in your next letter 10 the Iroquois virtuosi, do me the favour to present my humble service to that illustrious body ; and assure them, I shall send an account of those pha> nomena, as soon as we can determine them at Gresham. I have not had a line from the literati of Tobinambou these three last ordinaries. And now, Sir, having dispatched what I had to say of forms, or of business, let me entreat, you will suffer me to proceed upon my subject ; and to pardon me if I make no farther use of the epistolary style, till I come to conclude. SECTION I. IT is recorded of Mahomet, that upon a visit he was gc.ng to pay in Paradise, he had an offer of several vehicles to con- duct him upwards; as, fiery chariots, winged horses, and celestial sedans : but he refused them all, and would be borne to heaven upon nothing but his ass. Now, this inclination of Mahomet, as singular as it seems, hath been since taken up by a great number of devout Christians; and doubtless with good reason. For, since that Arabian is known to have bor- rowed a moiety of his religious system from the Christian faith, it is but just he should pay reprisals to such as would chal- lenge them ; wherein the good people of England, to do them all right, have not been backward. For though there is not any other nation in the world so plentifully provided with carriages for that journey, either as to safety or ease : yet there are abundance of us, who will not be satisfied with any other machine, besides this of Mahomet. For my own part, I must confess to bear a very singulai respect to this animal, by whom I take human na{ure to be most admirably held forth in all its qualities as well as opera- tions : and therefore, whatever in my small reading occurs OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 155 concerning this our fellow-creature, I do never iail to set it down, by way of common place ; and when I have occasion to write upon human reason, politics, eloquence, or know- ledge, I lay my memorandums before me, and insert them with a wonderful facility of application. However, among all the qualifications ascribed to this dis..nguished brute, by ancient or modern authors, I cannot remember this talent of bearing his rider to heaven, has been recorded for a part of his character, except in the two examples mentioned already; therefore I conceive the methods of this art to be a point of useful knowledge in very few hands, and which the learned world would gladly be better informed in : this is what I have undertaken to perform in the following discourse. For to- wards the operations, already mentioned, many peculiar pro- perties are required, both in the rider and the ass ; which I shall endeavour to set in as clear a light as I can. But, because I am resolved, by all means to avoid giving offence to any party whatever, 1 will leave off discoursing so closely to the letter as I have hitherto done, and go on for the future by way of allegory, though in such a manner, that the judicious reader may, without much straining, make his applications as often as he shall think fit. Therefore, if you please, I'rom hence forward, instead of the term ass, we shall make use of gifted or enlightened teacher; and the word rider, we will exchange for that of fanatic auditory, or any other denomination of the like import. Having settled this weighty point, the great subject of inquiry before us is, to examine, by what methods this teacher arrives at his gifts, or spirit, or light; and by what intercourse between him and his assembly it is cultivated and supported. In all my writings, I have had constant regard to this great end, not to suit and apply them to particular occasions and circumstances of time, of place, or of person ; but to calculate them for universal nature, and mankind in general. And of such catholic use I esteem this present disquisition : for I do not remember any other temper of body, or quality of mind, wherein all nations and ages of the world have so unanimously agreed, as that of a fanatic strain, or tincture of enthusiasm ; which, improved by certain persons or societies of men, and by them practised upon the rest, has been able to produce revolutions of the greatest figure in history ; as will soon ap- pear to those who know any thing of Arabia, Persia, India, or China, of Morocco and Peru. Farther, it has possessed as great a power in the kingdom of knowledge, where it is hard lo assign one art or science, which has not annexed to it some 150 ON THE MECHANICAL fanatic branch : Such are the philosopner's stone, the grand elixir,* the planetary worlds, the squaring of the circle, the summit in bonum, Utopian commonwealths, with some others of.less or subordinate note ; which all serve for nothing else, but to employ or amuse this grain of enthusiasm, dealt into every composition. But if this plant has found a root in the fields of empire and of knowledge, it has fixed deeper, and spread yet farther upon holy ground: wherein, though it hath passed under the general name of enthusiasm, and perhaps arisen from the same original ; yet hath it produced certain branches of a very differ- ent nature, however often mistaken for each other. The word, in its universal acceptation, may be defined, a lilting up of the soul, or its faculties, above matter. This description will hold good in general: but I am only to understand it as applied to religion ; wherein there are three general ways of ejaculating the soul, or transporting it beyond the sphere of matter. The first is, the immediate act of God, and is called prophecy or inspiration. The second is, the immediate act of the devil, and is termed possession. The third is, the pro- duct of natural causes ; the effect of strong imagination, spleen, violent anger, fear, grief, pain, and the like. These three have been abundantly treated on by authors, and therefore shall not employ my inquiry. But the fourth method of religious en- thusiasm, or launching out of the soul, as it is purely an effect of artifice and mechanic operation, has been sparingly handled, or not at all, by any writer; because, though it is an art of great antiquity, yet, having been confined to few persons, it long wanted those advancements and refinements which it afterwards met with, since it has grown so epidemic, and fal- len into so many cultivating hands. It is therefore upon this Mechanical Operation of the Spirit that I mean to treat, as it is at present performed by our British workmen. I shall deliver to the reader the result of many judicious observations upon the matter; tracing, as near as I can, the whole course and method of this trade; producing Earallel instances, and relating certain discoveries that have ickily fallen in my way. I have said that there is one branch of religious enthusiasm, which is purely an effect of nature; whereas the part I mean to handle, is wholly an effect of art; which, however, is inclined to work upon certain natures and constitutions, more than jthers. Besides, there is many an operation, which, in ita * Some writers hold them for the same, others not OPERATION- OF THE SPIEIT. 157 original, was pure! van anificp; but, through a long successioa of ages, hath gro;vn to be natural. Hippocrates tells us, thai among our ancestors the Scythians, there was a nation called Longheads,* which at first began by a custom, among ruid wives and nurses, of moulding, and squeezing, and bracing up the heads of infanta; by which means, nature, shut out atone passage, was forced to seek another, and finding room above, shot upwards, in the form of a sugar loaf; and being diverted that way, for some generations, at last found it out of herself, needing no assistance from the nurse's hand. This was the original of the Scythian Longheads; and thus did custom, from being a second nature, proceed to be a first To all which there is something very analogous among us of this nation, who are the undoubted posteriiy of that refined people. For, in the age of our fathers, there rose a generation of men in this island, called Roundheads.f whose race is now spread over three kingdoms; yet, in its beginning, was merely aa operation of art, produced by a pair of scissors, a squeeze oi the face, and a black cap. These heads, thus formed into a perfect sphere in all assemblies, were most exposed to the view of the female sex : which did influence their conceptions so effectually, that nature, at last, took the hint, and did it of her- self; so that a roundhead has been ever since as familar a sight among us as a longhead among the Scythians. Upon these examples, and others easy to produce, I desire the curious reader to distinguish, first, between an effect grown from art into nature, and one that is natural from its beginning; secondly, between an effect wholly natural, and one which has only a natural foundation, but where the superstructure is en- tirely artificial. For the first and the last of these, I understand to come within the districts of my subject; and, having obtain- ed these allowances, they will serve to remove any objections that may be raised hereafter against what I shall advance. The practitioners of this famous art proceed in general, upon the following fundamental, that the corruption of the senses in the generation of the spirit : because the senses in men are so many avenues to the fort of reason, which in this operation i wholly blocked up. All endeavours must be therefore used, * Macrocephali. t The fanatics, in the time of Charles I. ignorantly applying the text, "Ye know that it is a shame for men to have long hair, cat ihein very short. It is said, that the queen once seeling Pyra, a celebrated patriot, thus cropped, enquired who that roundheaded man was, and that from this incident, the distinction became general, and the put? were called roundheads. O 158 ON THE MECHANICAL either to divert, bind up, stupify , flutter, and amuse the senses, or else to jostle them out of their stations, and while they ar either absent, or otherwise employed, or engaged in a civil war against each other, the spirit enters, and performs its part. Now, the usual methods of manging the senses upon such conjunctures, are what I shall be very particular iu delivering, as far as it is lawful for me to do; but having had the honour to be initiated into the mysteries of every society, I desire to be excused from divulging any rites, wherein the profane must have no part. But here, before I can proceed farther, a very dangerous objection must, if possible, be removed. For it is positively denied by certain critics, that the spirit can by any means be introduced into an assembly of modern saints : the disparity being so great, in many material circumstances, between the primitive way of inspiration, and that which is practised in the present age. This they pretend to prave from the second chapter of the Acts, where, comparing both, it appears, first, that the apostles were gathered together with one accord in one place, by which is meant, an universal agreement in opi- nion, and form of worship; a harmony (say they) so far from being found between any two conventicles among us, that it is in vain to expect it between any two heads in the same. Secondly, the spirit instructed the apostles in the gift of speak- ing several languages ; a knowledge so remote from our dealers in this art, that they neither understand propriety of words, or phrases in their own. Lastly, (say these objectors,) the modern artists do utterly exclude all approaches of the spirit, and bar up its ancient way of entering, by covering themselves so close, and so industriously a-top. For they will needs have it as a point clearly gained, that the cloven tongues never sat upon the apostles heads, while their hats were on. Now, the force of these objections seems to consist in the different acceptation of the word spirit ; which if it be understood for a supernatural assistance, approaching from without, the objectors have reason, and their assertions may be allowed : but the spirit we treat of here, proceeding entirely from within, the argument of these adversaries is wholly eluded. And, upon the same account, our modern artificers find it an expedient of absolute necessity, to cover their heads as close as they can, in order to prevent perspiration ; than which nothing is observed to be a greater spender of mechanic light, as we may perhaps farther show in a convenient place. To proceed therefore upon the phaenomenon of spiritual mechanism, it is here to be noted, that in forming uu OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 159 op the spirit, the assembly has a considerable share, as well as the preacher. The method of this arcanum is as follows. They violently strain their eye balls inward, half closing the lids; then, as they sit, they are in a perpetual motion of see-saw, making long hums at proper periods, and continuing the sound at equal height ; choosing their time in those intermissions, while the preacher is at ebb. Neither is this practice in any part of it so singular or improbable, as not to be traced in distant regions, from reading and observation. For first, the Jauguis,* or enlightened saints of India, see all their visions by help of an acquired straining and pressure of the eyes. Secondly, the art of see-saw on a beam, and swinging' by session upon a cord, in order to raise artificial extacies, hath been derived to us from our Scythian ancestors,! where it is practised at this day among the women. Lastly, the whole proceeding, as I have here related it, is performed by the natives of Ireland, with a considerable improvement ; and it is granted, that this noble nation hath of all others admitted fewer corrup tions, and degenerated least from the purity of the old Tartars Now, it is usual for a knot of Irish, men and women, to abstract themselves from matter, bind up all their senses, grow visionary and spiritual, by influence of a short pipe of tobacco, handed round the company; each preserving the smoke in his mouth, till it comes again to his turn to take in fresh. At the same time, there is a concert of a continued gentle hum, repeated and renewed by instinct, as occasion requires; and they move their bodies up and down, to a degree, that sometimes their heads and points lie parallel to the horizon. Mean while, you may observe their eyes turned up in the posture of one who endeav ours to keep himself awake; by which, and many othei symptoms among them, it manifestly appears, that the reason- ing faculties are all suspended and superseded ; that imagina- tion hath usurped the seat, scattering a thousand deliriums over the brain. Returning from this digression, I shall de- scribe the methods by which the spirit approaches. The eyes being disposd according to art, at first you can see nothing; but, after a short pause, a small glimmering light begins to appear, and dance before you. Then, by frequently moving your body up and down, you perceive the vapours to ascend very fast, till you are perfectly dosed, and fluttered like one who drinks too much in a morning. Mean while the preacher is also at work : he begins a loud hum, which pierces you quite through ; this immediately returned by the audience ; and you [* Sarnier. mem. de Mogul.} [t Guagnini. tot, Sarmat-i 160 ON THE MECHANICAL find yourself prompted to imitate them, by a mere spontaneous impulse, without knowing what you do. The interstitia are duly filled up by the preacher, to prevent too long a pause, under which the spirit would soon faint and grow languid. This is all I am allowed to discover about the progress of the spirit, with relation to that part which is borne by the as- sembly ; but in the methods of the preacher, to which I now proceed, I shall be more large and particular. SECTION. II. You will read it very gravely remarked in the books of those illustrious and right eloquent penmen, the modern travellers, that the fundamental difference in point of religion between the wild Indians and us, lies in this ; that we worship God, and they worship the devil. But there are certain critics, who will by no means admit of this distinction : rather believing, that all nations whatsoever adore the true God, because they seem to intend their devotions for some invisible power, of greatest goodness, and ability to help them ; which perhaps will take in the brightest attributes ascribed to the Divinity. Others again inform us, that those idolaters adore two principles : the principle of good, and that of evil ; which indeed I am apt to look upon as the most universal notion that man- kind, by the mere light of nature, ever entertained of things visible. How this idea hath been managed by the Indians and us, and with what advantage to the understandings of either, may well deserved to be examined. To me the differ- ence appears little more than this, that they are put oftener upon their knees b/ their fears, and we by our desires: that the former set them a praying, and us a cursing. What I applaud them for, is their discretion, in limiting their devotions and their deities to their several districts ; nor ever suffering the liturgy of the white god, to cross or interfere with that of the black. Not so with us; who, pretending, by the lines and measures of our reason, to extend the dominion of one invisi- ble power, and contract that of the other, have discovered a gross ignorance in the natures of good and evil, and most horribly confounded the frontiers of both. After men have lifted up the throne of their divinity to the ecelum empyrcEum, adorned with all such qualities and accomplishments as them selves seem most to value and possess ; after they have sunk their principle of evil to the lowest centre, bound him with chains, loaded him with curses, furnished him with viler dis- OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 161 positions than any rake-hell of the town, accoutred him with tail, and horns, and huge claws, and saucer eyes ; I laugh aloud to see these reasoners at the same time engaged in wise disputes about certain walks and purlieus, whether they are in the verge of God or the devil; seriously debating, whether such and such influences come into men's minds from above or below, whether certain passions and affections are guided by the evil spirit or the good : Dum fas atque nefas exiguo fine libidinum Discernunt avidi. Thus do men establish a fellowship of Christ with Belial, and such is the analogy they make between cloven tongues and cloven feet. Of the like nature is the disquisition before us. It hath continued these hundred years an even debate, whether the deportment and the cant of our English enthusiastic preach- ers were possession or inspiration ; and a world of argument has been drained on either side, perhaps to little purpose. For I think it is in life as in tragedy, where it is held a conviction of great defect, both in order and invention, to interpose the assistance of preternatural power, without an absolute and last necessity. However, it is a sketch of human vanity for every individual, to imagine the whole universe is interested in his meanest concern. If he hath got cleanly over a kennel, some angel unseen descended on purpose to help him by the hand, if he hath knocked his head against a post, it was the devil, for his sins, let loose from hell on purpose to buffet him. Who, that sees a little paltry mortaj^ droning, and dreaming, and drivelling to a multitude, can think it agreeable to common good sense, that either heaven or hell should be pui to the trouble of influence or inspection upon what he is about? Therefore I am resolved immediately to weed this error out of mankind, by making it clear, that this mystery, of vending spiritual gifts, is nothing but a trade, acquired by as much instruction, and mastered by equal practice and application, as others are. This will best appear by describing and deduc- ing the whole process of the operation, as variously as it hath fallen under my knowledge or experience. * * * * * * # # # * # * * Here the whole scheme of spiritual me- * * chanism was deduced and explained, with an * * appearance of great reading and observation; * * but it was thought neither safe nor convenient * * to print it. Here it may not be amiss to add a few words upon the o2 162 ON THE MECHANICAL laudable practice of wearing quilted caps ; which is not a matter of mere custom, humour, or fashion, as some would pretend, but an institution of great sagacity and use. These, when moistened with sweat, stop all perspiration ; and, by reverberating the heat, prevent the spirit from evaporating any way, but at the mouth; even as a skilful housewife that covers her still with a wet clout for the same reason, and finds the same effect. For it is the opinion of choice virtuosi, that the brain is only a crowd of little animals, but with teeth and claws extremely sharp, and therefore cling together in the contexture we behold, like the picture of Hobbes' Leviathan, or like bees in perpendicular swarm upon a tree, or like a carrion corrupted into vermin, still preserving the shape and figure of the mother animal : That all invention is formed by the morsure of two or more of these animals, upon certain capillary nerves, which proceed from thence ; whereof three branches spread into the tongue, and two into the right hand. They hold also, that these animals are of a constitution extremely cold ; that their food is the air we attract, the excrement phlegm; and that what we vulgarly call rheums, and colds, and distillations, is noth- ing else but an epidemical looseness, to which that little com- monwealth is very subject, from the climate it lies under : Farther, that nothing less than a violent heat can desentangle th^se creatures from their hamated station of life, or give them v ; iiour and humour to imprint the marks of their little teeth : That if the morsure be hexagonal, it produced poetry ; the cir- cular gives eloquence ; if the bite hath been conical, the person, whose nerve is so affected, shall be disposed to write upon the politics ; and so of the rest. I shall now discourse briefly, by what kind of practices the voice is best governed, towards the composition and improve- ment of the spirit ; for wit.iout a competent skill in tuning and toning each word, and syllable, and letter, to their due cadence, the whole operation is incomplete, misses entirely of its effect on the hearers, and puts the workman himself to continual pains for new supplies, without success. For it is to be un- derstood, that, in the language of the spirit, cant and droning supply the place of sense and reason, in the language of men ; because, in spiritual harangues, the disposition of the words, according to the art of grammar, hath not the least use, but the skill and influence wholly lie in the choice and cadence of the syllables ; even as a discreet composer, who, in setting a song, changes the words and order so often, that he is forced to make it nonsense, before he can make it music. For this OIERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 163 reason it hath been held by some, that the art of canting ia ever in greatest perfection when managed by ignorance ; which is thought to be enigmatically meant by Plutarch, when he tells us, that the best musical instruments were made from the bones of an ass. And the profounder critics upon that passage are of opinion, the word, in its genuine signification, means no other than a jaw-bone ; though some rather think it to have been the os sacrum. But in so nice a case I shall not take upon me to decide ; the curious are at liberty to pick from it what- ever they please. The first ingredient towards the art of canting, is a compe- tent share of inward light; that is to say, a large memory, plentifully fraught with theological pollysyllables, and myste- rious texts from holy writ, applied and digested by those me- thods and mechanical operations already related ; the bearers of this light resembling lanthorns, compact of leaves from old Geneva Bibles; which invention, Sir Humphry Edw-n, dur- ing his mayoralty, of happy memory, highly approved and advanced ; affirming the Scripture to be now fulfilled, where it says, "Thy word is a lanthorn to my feet, and a light to my paths." Now, the art of canting consists in skilfully adapting the voice to whatever words the spirit delivers, that each may strike the ears of the audience with its most significant cadence. The force or energy of this eloquence is not to be found, as among ancient orators, in the disposition of words to a sentence, or the turning of long periods ; but, agreeably to the modern re- finements in music, is taken up wholly in dwelling and dilat- ing upon syllables and letters. Thus it is frequent for a single vowel to draw sighs from a multitude ; and for a whole as- sembly of saints, to sob to the music of one solitary liquid. But these are trifles, when even sounds inarticulate are observed to produce as forcible effects. A master workman shall blow his nose so powerfully, as to pierce the hearts of his people, who are disposed to receive the excrements of his brain, with the same reverence as the issue of it. Hawking, spitting, and belching, the defects of other men's rhetoric, are the flowers, and figures, and ornaments of his. For the spirit being the same in all, it is of no import through what vehicle it is con- veyed. It is a point of too much difficulty, to draw the principles of this famous art within the compass of certain adequate rules. However, perhaps I may one day oblige the world with my critical essay upon the art of canting, philosophically, physic- ally, and musically considered. But among all improvements 104 ON THE MECHANICAL of the spirit wherein the voice hath borne a part, there is none to be compared with that of conveying the sound through the nose, which, under the denomination of snuffling,* hath passed with so greac an applause in the world. The originals of this institution are very dark; but having been initiated into the mystery of it, and leave being given me to publish it to the world, I shall deliver as direct a relation as I can. This art, like many other famous inventions, owed its birth, or at least improvement or perfection, to an effect of chance; but was established upon solid reasons, and has flourished in this island ever since, with great lustre. All agree, that it first appeared upon the decay and discouragement of bagpipes ; which, having long suffered under the mortal hatred of the brethren, tottered for a time, and at last fell with monarchy. The story is thus related. As yet snuffling was not; when the following adventure happened to a Banbury Saint. Upon a certain day, while he was far engaged among the tabernacles of the wicked, he felt the outward man put into odd commotions, and strangely pricked forward by the inward : an effect very usual among the mod- ern inspired. For some think, that the spirit is apt to feed on the flesh, like hungry wines upon raw beef. Others rather believe, there is a perpetual game at leap-frog between both; and sometimes the flesh is uppermost, and sometimes the spirit : adding, that the former, while it is in the state of a rider, wears huge Rippon spurs, and when it comes to the turn of being bearer, is wonderfully headstrong and hard- mouthed. However it came about, the saint felt his vessel full extended in every part, (a very natural effect of strong inspiration ;) and the place and time falling out so unluckily, that he could not have the convenience of evacuating upwards, by repetition, prayer, or lecture, he was forced to open an in- ferior vent. In short, he wrestled with the flesh so long, that he at length subdued it, coming off with honourable wounds all before. The surgeon had now cured the parts primarily affected ; but the disease, driven from its post, flew up into his head : and as a skilful general, valiantly attacked in his trenches, and beaten from the field, by flying marches with- draws to the capital city, breaking down the bridges to prevent pursuit; so the disease, repelled from its first station, fled be- fore the rod of Hermes, to the upper region, there fortifying * The snuffling of men, who have lost their noses by lewd coir ics, is said to have given rise to that tone, which our dissenter? did o much affect. W. Wotton. OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 165 itself; but, finding the foe making attacks at the nose, broke down the bridge, and retired to the head quarters. Now, the naturalists observe, that there is in human noses an idiosyn- cracy, by virtue of which, the more the passage is obstructed, the more our speech delights to go through, as the music of a flagelet is made by the stops. By this method, the twang of the nose becomes perfectly to resemble the snuffle of a bagpipe, and is found to be equally attractive of British ears; whereof the saint had sudden experience, by practising his new faculty with wonderful success in the operation of the spirit : for, in a short time, no doctrine passed for sound orthodox, unless it were delivered through the nose. Strait, every pastor copied after this original; and those who could not otherwise arrive to a perfection, spirited by a noble zeal, made use of the same experiment to acquire it. So that 1 think it may be truly affirmed, the saints owe their empire to the snuffling of one animal, as Darius did his to the neighing of another ; and both stratagems were performed by the same art; for we read, how the Persian beast acquired his faculty by covering a mare the day before.* I should now have done, if I were not convinced, that what- ever I have yet advanced upon this subject, is liable to great exception. For, allowing all I have said to be true, it may still be justly objected, That there is in the commonwealth of artifi- cial enthusiasm some real foundation for art to work upon, in the temper and complexion of individuals, which other mortals seem to want. Observe hut the gesture, the motion, and the countenance of some choice professors, though in their most familiar actions, you will find them of a different race from the rest of human creatures. Remark your commonest pretender to a light within, how dark, and dirty, and gloomy he is without : as Janthorns, which, the more light they bear in their bodies, cast out so much the more soot, and smoke, and fuliginous matter to adhere to the sides. Listen but to their ordinary talk, and look on the mouth that delivers it; you will imagine you are hearing some ancient oracle, and your understanding will be equally informed. Upon these and the like reasons, certain objectors pretend to put it beyond all doubt, that there must be a sort of preternatural spirit possessing the heads of the modern saints ; and some will have it to be the heat of zeal, working upon the dregs of ignorance, as other spirits are pro- duced from lees by the force of fire. Some again think, that when our earthly tabernacles are disordered and desolatej [* Herodot.l 166 ON THE MECHANICAL shaken and out of repair, the spirit delights to dwell within them, as houses are said to be haunted when they are forsalTen and gone to decay. To set this matter in as fair a light as possible, I shall here very briefly deduce the history of fanaticism, from the most early ages to the present. And if we are able to fix upon any one material or fundamental point, wherein the chief professors have universally agreed, I think we may reasonably lay hold on that, and assign it for the great seed or principal of the spirit. The most early traces we meet with of fanatics in ancient story, are among the Egyptians; who instituted those rites known in Greece by the names of Orgira, Panegyres, and Dionysia ; whether introduced there by Orpheus or Melampus, \ve shall not dispute at present, nor, in all likelihood, at any time for the future. These feasts were celebrated to the honour of Osiris, whom the Grecians called Dionysius, and is the same with Bacchus.* Which has betrayed some superficial readers to imagine, that the whole business was nothing more than a set of roaring, scouring companions, overcharged with wine : but this is a scandalous mistake, foisted on the world by a sort of modern authors, who have too literal an understand- ing ; and because antiquity is to be traced backwards, do there- fore, like Jews, begin their books at the wrong end, as if learning were a sort of conjuring. These are the men who pretend to understand a book, by scouting through the index, as if a traveller should go about to describe a palace, when he had seen nothing but the privy ; or like certain fortune-tellers in Northern America, who have a way of reading a man's destiny, by peeping in his breech. For at the time of institut- ing these mysteries,! there was not one vine in all Egypt, the natives drinking nothing but ale; which liquor seems to have been far more ancient than wine, and has the honour of owing its invention and progress, not only to the Egyptian Osiris, J but to the Grecian Bacchus ; who, in their famous expedition, carried the receipt of it along with them, and gave it to the nations they visited or subdued. Besides, Bacchus himself was very seldom or never drunk : for it is recorded of him, that he was the first inventor of the mitre ; which he wore continually on his head, as the whole company of Bacchanals did, to prevent vapours and the headache after hard drinking. And for this reason (say some) tiie scarlet whore, when she [* Diod. Sic. I. 1. Plul, de hide ct Usyride.l p- Ht-.rod. 1. 2-1 [t Diot. Sic. l.l.et 3.] [$ Id. I. 4.J OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT 167 makes the kings of the earth drunk with her cup of aboiuina- tftm, is always sober herself; though she never balks the glass in her turn, being, it seems, kept upon her legs by the virtue of her triple mitre. Now, these feasts were instituted in imi- tation of the famous expedition Osiris made through the world, .and of the company that attended him, whereof the Bacchana- lian ceremonies* were so many types and symbols. From which account, it is manifest, that the fanatic rites of these Bacchanals cannot be imputed to intoxications by wine, but must needs have had a deeper foundation. What this was, we may gather large hints from certain circumstances in the course of their mysteries. For, in the first place, there was in their processions, an entire mixture and confusion of sexes ; they affected to ramble about hills and deserts ; their garlands were of ivy and vine, emblems of cleaving and clinging ; or of fir, the parent of turpentine. It is added, that they imitated Satyrs, were attended by goals, and rode upon asses, all com- panions of great skill and practice in affairs of gallantry. They bore for their ensigns, certain curious figures, perched upon long poles, made into the shape and size of the virga genitalis, with its appurtenances ; which were so many shadows and emblems of the whole mystery, as well as trophies set up by the female conquerors. Lastly, in a certain town of Attica, the whole solemnity, stript of all its types,f was performed in puris naturalibus ; the votaries not flying in covies, but sorted into couples. The same may be farther conjectured from the death of Orpheus, one of the institutors of these mysteries; who was torn in pieces by women, because he refused to com- municate his OrgiesJ to them ; which others explained, by telling us, he had castrated himself upon grief, for the loss of his wife. Omiting many others of less note, the next fanatics we meet with, of any eminence, were the numerous sects of heretics, appearing in the five first centuries of the Christian a&a, from Simon Magus and his followers, to those of Eutyches. I have collected their systems from infinite reading ; and comparing them with those of their successors in the several ages since, I find there are certain bounds set even to the irregularities of human thought, and those a great deal narrower than is com- monly apprehended. For as they all frequently interfere, even in their wildest ravings ; so there is one fundamental point, wherein they are sure to meet, as lines in a centre, and [* See the particulars in Diod. I. 1. et 3.] [t Pianysia, Brauronia.] [t Vid. Photium in excerplis e Conone.] 168 ON THE MECHANICAL that is the commuuily of women. Great were their solici- tudes in this matter ; and they never failed of certain articles in thsir schemes of worship, on purpose to establish it. The last fanatics of note, were those which started up in Germany, a little after the reformation of Luther; springing, as mushrooms do at the end of harvest. Such were John of Leyden, David George, Adam Neuster, and many others ; whose visions and revelations always terminated in leading about half a dozen sisters a-piece, and making that practice a fundamental part of their system. For human life is a continual navigation ; and if we expect our vessels to pass with safety, through the waves and tempests of this fluctuating world, it is necessary to make a good provision for the flesh, as seamen lay in store of beef for a long voyage. Now, from this brief survey of some principal sects ^mong the fanatics, in all ages, (having omitted the Mahometans and others, who might also help to confirm the argument I am about ;) to which I might add several among ourselves, such as the Family of Love, Sweet Singers of Israel, and the like ; and from reflecting upon that fundamental point in their doctrines about women ; wherein they have so unanimously agreed : I am apt to imagine, that the seed or principal which has ever put men upon visions in things invisible, is of a cor- poreal nature. For the profounder chemists inform us, that th^ strongest spirits may be extracted from human flesh. Be- sides, the spinal marrow, being nothing else but a continuation of the brain, must needs create a very free communication between the superior faculties and those below; and thus the thorn in the flesh serves for a spur to the spirit. I think it is agreed among physicians, that nothing affects the head so much as a tentiginous humour, repelled and elated to the upper region, found by daily practice to run frequently up into mad- nesb. A very eminent member of the faculty assured me, that when the Quakers first appeared, he seldom was without some female patients among them for the furor Persons of a visionary devotion, either men or women, are, in their com- plexion, of all others the most amorous. For zeal is frequent- ly kindled from the same spark with other fires, and from inflaming brotherly love, will proceed to raise that of a gallant. If we inspect into the usual process of modern courtship, we shall find it to consist in a devout turn of the eyes, called ogling ; an artificial form of canting and whining by rote, every interval, for want of other matter, made up with a shrug, or a hum ; a sigh, or a groan ; the style compact of insignifi cant words, incoherences and repetition. These I take to be OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 169 the most accomplished rules of address to a mistress ; and where are these performed with more dexterity, than by the saints? Nay, to bring this argument yet closer, I have been informed by certain sanguine brethren of the first class, that in the height and orgasmus of their spiritual exercise, it has been frequent with them * *; immediately after which, they found the spirit to relax and flag of a sudden with the nerves, and they were forced to hasten to a conclusion This may be farther strengthened, by observing with wonder, how unaccountably all females are attracted by visionary or enthusiastic preachers, though never so contemptible in their outward mien ; which is usually supposed to be done upon considerations purely spiritual, without any carnal regards at all. But I have reason to think, the sex hath certain charac- teristics, by which they form a truer judgment of human abili- ties and performings, than we ourselves can possibly do of each other. Let that be as it will, thus much is certain, that however spiritual intrigues begin, they generally conclude like all others ; they may branch upwards towards heaven, but the root is in the earth. Too intense a contemplation is not the business of flesh and blood; it must, by the necessary course of things, in a little time, let go its hold, and fall into matter. Lovers, for the sake of celestial converse, are but another sort of Platonics, who pretend to see stars and heaven in ladies' eyes, and to look or think no lower; but the same pit is pro- vided for both. And they seem a perfect moral to the story of that philosopher, who, while his thoughts and eyes were fixed upon the constellations, found himself seduced by his lower parts into a ditch. I had somewhat more to say upon this part of the subject; but the post is just going, which forces me in great haste to conclude, SIR, Your's, &c. Pray burn this letter as soon as it comes to your hands. THE EJO>. 168 ON THE MECHANICAL that is the community of women. Great were their solici- tudes in this matter ; and they never failed of certain articles in thejr schemes of worship, on purpose to establish it. The last fanatics of note, were those which started up in Germany, a little after the reformation of Luther; springing, as mushrooms do at the end of harvest. Such were John of Leyden, David George, Adam Neuster, and many others ; whose -visions and revelations always terminated in leading about half a dozen sisters a-piece, and making that practice a fundamental part of their system. For human life is a continual navigation ; and if we expect our vessels to pass with safety, through the waves and tempests of this fluctuating world, it is necessary to make a good provision for the flesh, as seamen lay in store of beef for a long voyage. Now, from this brief survey of some principal sects ^mong the fanatics, in all ages, (having omitted the Mahometans and others, who might also help to confirm the argument I am about;) to which I might add several among ourselves, such as the Family of Love, Sweet Singers of Israel, and the like ; and from reflecting upon that fundamental point in their doctrines about women ; wherein they have so unanimously agreed : I am apt to imagine, that the seed or principal which has ever put men upon visions in things invisible, is of a cor- poreal nature. For the profounder chemists inform us, that thv> strongest spirits may be extracted from human flesh. Be- sides, the spinal marrow, being nothing else but a continuation of the brain, must needs create a very free communication between the superior faculties and those below; and thus the thorn in the flesh serves for a spur to the spirit. I think it is agreed among physicians, that nothing affects the head so much as a tentiginous humour, repelled and elated to the upper region, found by daily practice to run frequently up into mad- ness. A very eminent member of the faculty assured me, that when the Quakers first appeared, he seldom was without some female patients among them for the furor Persons of a visionary devotion, either men or women, are, in their com- plexion, of all others the most amorous. For zeal is frequent- ly kindled from the same spark with other fires, and from inflaming brotherly love, will proceed to raise that of a gallant. If we inspect into the usual process of modern courtship, we shall find it to consist in a devout turn of the eyes, called ogling ; an artificial form of canting and whining by rote, every interval, for want of other matter, made up with a shrug, or a hum ; a sigh, or a groan ; the style compact of insignifi cant words, incoherences and repetition. These I take to be OPERATION OF THE SPIRIT. 169 the most accomplished rules of address to a mistress ; and where are these performed with more dexterity, than by the saints ? Nay, to bring this argument yet closer, I have been informed by certain sanguine brethren of the first class, that in the height and orgasmus of their spiritual exercise, it has been frequent with them * *; immediately after which, they found the spirit to relax and flag of a sudden with the nerves, and they were forced to hasten to a conclusion This may be farther strengthened, by observing with wonder, how unaccountably all females are attracted by visionary or enthusiastic preachers, though never so contemptible in their outward mien ; which is usually supposed to be done upon considerations purely spiritual, without any carnal regards at all. But I have reason to think, the sex hath certain charac- teristics, by which they form a truer judgment of human abili- ties and performings, than we ourselves can possibly do of each other. Let that be as it will, thus much is certain, that however spiritual intrigues begin, they generally conclude like all others; they may branch upwards towards heaven, but the root is in the earth. Too intense a contemplation is not the business of flesh and blood ; it must, by the necessary course of things, in a little time, let go its hold, and fall into matter. Lovers, for the sake of celestial converse, are but another sort of Platonics, who pretend to see stars and heaven in ladies' eyes, and to look or think no lower; but the same pit is pro- vided for both. And they seem a perfect moral to the story of that philosopher, who, while his thoughts and eyes were fixed upon the constellations, found himself seduced by his lower parts into a ditch. I had somewhat more to say upon this part of the subject; but the post is just going, which forces me in great haste to conclude, SIR, Your's, &c. Pray burn this letter as soon as it comes to your hands. THE EVD. University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. Quarter Loan Due REC'D CHfcM SEP 26 1994 'SEP 1 5 1994 A 000 031 992