wISS^^S^^*.?^ UC-NRLF B 3 33M Sb7 ! r ' '-0 ;-;:. '■YTH (21) and lyften, gentylmen, <^ All that now be here," To Lewys what Ihold nowe befall, Ynne (22) londe where that he were. Now is (23) Lewys went to the toun, Hys baird he ftrokyt wel ; And preftlye (24) chaunted of a fonge : ** Al rowynde my hatte," (25) yt felle. ii8 A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke. Then fpake that gentyll yeman : The teres ftand ynne hys eyen — " GoDAMARCEY ! (26) longe (27) yehone (28) Thilk manli heres of myne ! "Thys ylke (29) day Charlys Elyott (30) Sail (31) paynt wone blythe of blee: (32) And eke (33) we (34) envye dy nerly. That nere flike (35) baird hath hee." Thos pleaufantly hee recht Charlys, Woo (36) toke hym for fum noder : (37) "Ynne confeyuence, (38) neybor, wold you goo ? (39) I lyk not of your odour." Sone as Elyott kent (40) Lewys, Hym feyd : " Now, Lewys, doe Ynne pyte choppe (41) for hewman feem. Or call me frend ne mo." (42) " Alas !" then fayd good Lewys, " Alas, what have I do ! (43) What ys to me a flowynge baird, Yf Charlys ys my foo ?" (44) Now have Lewys ifwore hys othe. For home hee begond to serch: He was as will of rede, (45) ynne trouthe. As ever was hare ynne Merch. EXPLYCIT m LEWYS CLARKE AND CHARLYS ELYOTT: QUOTH JACQUES MAURICE. A Lytell Geste of Lewys Clarke. 119 1. Crowd up. 2. Could raise a laugh at his own expense. 3. In : not hotel. 4. Constructed. 5. One : half of two. 6. Morning before breakfast. 7. Own heart's queen. 8. Advice : gratis. 9. Give, or lend, according to disposition. 10. In fact, neither here nor there. The word is significant of bristles. 11. Savan. 12. The same without the n. 13. Cheek : in which Lewys was not lacking. 14, Lewys's wife's. 15. " Coming, Sir." 16. ^ Joy : not wine. 17. Much obliged to you : no aUuLsion to Parh of that name. 18. Now, if ever. 19. Mind : no great matter. 20. These : not silk. 21. Another way of spelling it. 22. The same house. 23. As : youWe one if you don't remember it. 24. Wretchedly, in this case. 25. The title of an ancient hymn. 26. God be thanked. 27. Along of. 28. Each one: not OchI Hone! 29. Very: very likely. 30. Pinxit. 31. Shall 3#no^ Sarah. 32. Of majestic countenance. 33. Also : sometimes Ezekiel. 34. With : as, will you drink we me ? 35. Such-Hke. 36. Who: thus, woo be you? 37. Other: not sonnambulist. 38. Conscience : a myth : a good joke, to talk of Lewys's con- science. 39. Go : (Of) 40. Kenned : in justice, caned. 41. Change : no small change here. 42. No more : Idng as nexxr as our ancestors thought it prudent to come. 43. Done : as, do brown : meaning, done to that tint. 44. Foe : not foo-foo. 45. Disturbed in mind : displeased : angry : mad. 46. " That's all, about," &c, mm MR. PEPPER'S MOURNFUL SIXTH. NOW for it. Brace yourself with a little cordial, and then take my hand. Feel along carefully, and — there ; stand still a moment. Mr. PoDD is speaking : "Demosthenes Four-Corners, July 20, 1854. " Mr. Clark. Editor. Sir : Since I favored you with my last, great changes have obscured the face of the sun of Liberty and Happines, which have been in the Habit of shining in favored spots regular. Despots continue to sway the aspect of things. But their reign is short, Sir. I repeat it : Short. Changes must come. As a significant fact, Mr. Pepper has changed. He is no longer playful. He is gloomy — gloomy. I am afraid his genus is about to sink in a blaze of glory and go out. Yes Sir : I be- gin to be alarmed for his Existence. His heart is too suscepti- ble : Altogether. It has been touched, Sir : Rudely touched. Many of the strings have I fear been snapped. But let the elo- quent and feeling letter he wrote upon the subject tell the tale. Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. 121 It will be seen that he is the combined victim of Affection and a Tyrant. But my hand is influenced by the emotions of my heart. It trembles. Adieu. '^ P. Pepped Podd." " ' Pepper's laik, guly 12. " ' Dere Feller : Hevin I's moar a opertoonity ov cendin you a few hns, i avail miself ov it to I'st, moar pertickeler as i hev much to inform you wich i cant berry into mi oan boosum. " ' Podd, Podd, w-ot hapines — wot misery — wot rapcher and goy — wot mizzery & Wo ive sufferd sens i rote be4. it semes moar like a dreme — oanly i no it aint, & a dreme woodent maik me loos so much in boddy. ime thin as a waifer, dere boy — & a good dele witer onto the serfis. mi apetite (wich you no wos alus precaris) hes now dwindeld into nothin, & i doant beleve ive ete a hanful in 4 days, i kepe insid the house & lay onto mi fais, a-groanin dredful, & a-syin al the time i doant groan, but i no it must be a speshy ov ageny to hev to wait long fur a explanashun ov this miss tery. ile releve you in but few werds. it wos the 21th ov gune. erly in the mornin. i o my felins is sech i doant no as i ken revele. wi did i comens the haroin tale ? but ile subdoo mi emoshuns & persede with camnes. rite pen ! — ^kepe a-ritin. paws not. " ' i hed jest got threw a-washing out side the doar, & wos a- wiping miself onto the toul, wen i herd a shrik giv by a butiful yung lady in ageny. i looct around in frensy, & saw nothin. in a instant a 1 hors wagon floo around the corner, drawed by a frantic anunel. in that wagon wos a man a-hoaldin ov the lins & a yung Lady, mi resolooshun wos tooc. i put a stun into 122 Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. the toul, & wen the hors caim up i spotted him. he dropt so cuick the man & yung lady boath picht forids, & wos a-pickin thayrselves up wen i turnd around, wot a Vizzion she wos I throo al the dert i cood se Buty I ' Mi preserver !' sed she, in a angihc vois, a-settin ov herselft onto a stun, i floo to her, & maid a faint ov folhn onto 1 ne. ' doant,' said she, ' youl derty your pans :' wich woa troo, besids bein considerit. so i dident, but i tooc her hand & sed she wos welcum to mi servis, wich wos no trubel, & ide be hapy to spot a hors fur her evry day. she smild hevinly, & sed i wos ' A- Jack' (a cmart ainshen.) 1 cald her Helin, wich she sed wos a mistaik, as her naim wos Hanah gane Walters, i then sed she hed also mistooc my cignacher, wich wos Mr. K. N. Pepper Esq. Youd orter seen the looc ov surpris & plesyour as her fechers wos spred with wen i opend onto her with that anounsment ! she tooc notis ov me for a' ninstant kind ov wild, then sudently giv way to her emoshuns & wept, in a short time the toul sacherated with her teres, & i wos a-thinkin ov gittin a dry 1, wen she dride up the fount, & she & the man wich she cald pa, as wos hirt onto his hed, staid with me severil days, i red al mi pomes to her, & we got pirty thic. al to I's the Faither rekiverd & anounst that thay must go hoam. ' Ken you leve ?' sed i, in broken ax cents & a thic vois. hers wos thic wen she sed she coodent no way. we then hugd. wot bliss ! but the crule Faither put in his ore, & Al wos ore. he hed to choak her of. as he wos a-levin he remarct that he wos werth $900 dolars, & he thougt it wos redic- kalus, raither. but ef it wos spoart to him, it wos deth to me & Mr. Pepper's Mournful Sixth. 123 her. She sed 2 or 3 times she shoodent ete eny thing ; & the onfelin Rech at last spoak & sed it wood saiv vittels. Wen thay disapeard roun the corner — she a-\vaivin her hankerchif, i a- hoaldin up mi hans in mewt dispair, — i sunc onto the floar, & in my ageny toar of al mi vest buttons in 1 gerk, & struc sumthin hard onto the floar. it wos 1 ov mi aingels puf-coams, as fel in the hart rending struggel. i dident mind the ile, but kist it al the rest ov the day. its be4 me now. its al as kepes me aliv. heres wot i rote wen i becum cam enuf to hoald a pen : "'TO THE AINGEL AS IS GON. ' ' o Hanah, Hanah, Han ah dere : GANE Walters I wers the vizzhun now ? Dispers fur ever moar i fere (bi) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " ' o Hannah ! ken i say youm gon ? To a onkind Fait must Pepper bow ? A. • then wele pile our cursis on — (to) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " * wot a load to carry round ! To fre hisself he donno how : A onhapy man now wock the ground — (its) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " ' but, lovly Hanah, doant dispair, doant talk on bad, doant rais no row ; 1 man '11 feel remors & cair — (its) Your Faither with the angry Brow. 124 ^^* Pepper's Mournful Sixth. " ' wot chaing hes cum it oar our dremes ! Wot Hap'nis I's, wot miz'ry now! But Grustis lay the blaim, it semes, (onto) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " ' in Graiv we mete, ef no waris els, Mi Hanah dere, i make a vow — Or sooner ef Deth the spirrit cuels (ov) Your Faither with the angry Brow. " ' o PoDD, PoDD — i wos afraid i shood di be4 i got that dun. but its dun now, & i doant no wether to send it to her or let it be found amungst mi efex. ef i doant hury it wil be the last. Dere Podd, good bi — ^peraps fur ever. Podd good bi, good bi. I's moar good bi, from your old fren K. N. Pepper. " ' n. b. encloased is a loc ov mi hair, ef i di, let my funerl be privit. let Hanah ganes puf-coam be berrid with me. tel her i wos troo, & dide fur her. "'FairweL k. n. p.' " ON NOSES. " Said Aaron to Moses, ' Let's cut off our noses. Said Moses to Aaron, * It's the fashion to wear 'em.' " HOW the above amnsing and authentic anecdote has been preserved to us, would be an interest- ing question for the antiquary. Considering the lapse of time since the date of that remarkable conversation, it ought not to surprise us that so little of the lighter chit-chat of these humorous High Priests should now remain, but rather that <2n?/*crap could have clung to the memory of man for so long a period. Where Aaron acquired a notion so absurd, cannot now be learned. It would appear that the influence of the 126 On Noses. more sensible Moses was sufficient to prevent tlie precipitate Aaron from ridding himself of a feature which, however unornamental, was certainly useful, if not indispensable. After reading a statement so dis- paraging, one cannot help losing somewhat of that respect for Aaron which, in a general way, attaches to the cloth. Ko matter if his nasal protuberance was as homely as that of the little boy who complained to his mother that his nose " grew pugger and pugger every day ;" he could on no principle be excused for sever- ing it from the face for which it was made. And if the act proposed would have been one of pure wan- tonness — which we suspect was the case — we cannot find words sufficiently energetic for the adequate ex- pression of our shocked — nay, horrified feelings. On the other hand, we honor Moses with peculiar homage for his manly and dignified stand upon the nose of his friend. Note his gentlemanly deference to the opi- nions and usages of the community. In his laconic but qpmprehensive reply he says only, " It's the fashion to wear 'em." It is propel to infer that this reply had the happiest effect upon Aaron. It presented to him the inconvenience of being without a nose, in connec- tion with the idea of singularity — of being " out of On Noses. 127 fashion ;" wliich, in those days — when a man at two or three hundred was still thought young — must have been the most terrible one that Moses could have sug- gested. "We may also believe that Moses had a rever- ence for the nasal feature, as a feature ; and that it pained his sense of fitness and proportion to imagine the human countenance as divested of it. It is this feeling with which we sympathize most deeply in the present article ; for the question of fashion has come to affect the shape, rather than the existence, of the nose. It may sound oddly to some io speak of the nose in this technical way ; but let them ask almost any mother to describe how, by innumerable pinches, she fashioned the noses of her offspring — redeemed them from "pug"-ness, or checked their banian-like tendency to turn toward the root — and they may be- gin to realize that the idea is not absurd. Beside the notion of mere servile imitation, in these artist-minded mammas — shaping a nose after the rich Mr. A's, or the fashionable Miss B's — two ideas may be mentioned, as having a particularly controlling effect. First, and most widely prevalent, is that of beauty. Few are insensible to the beauty or effect of a well-turned nose. After the eyes and mouth, per- 128 On Noses. haps the nose takes the first place in a description of features. " She's very pretty — ^that is, would be, were it not for that horrid nose ! " or, " what a fine nose Mr. C. has ! " are expressions familiar to every one. The other idea is that of character. There is a great deal of character in a nose. That is, the nose is often made qnite an index of character ; not always, or per- haps often, willingly — ^but insensibly^ and not the less surely. Both these ideas will be further illustrated in the following analysis. The Grecianf nose is usually considered the finest and most noble of all the varieties. It is distinguished by its being " well planted" between the brows, and straight upon the ridge, and by its firm, well-turned nostrils. It lends dignity and grace to the counte- nance, and is significant of truth, honor, purity, and delicacy of mind. JSTobleness, openness, and liberality of mind and heart are suggested by it. It may be mentioned here, however, that these signs are by no means infallible, and the same may be said in relation to those which follow. (My pocket was once picked by a Grecian-nosed thief) The Roman nose is also much admired, as being indicative of manliness and vigor of mind, and lofti- On Noses. 129 ness of purpose. The ridge, instead of being straight, is raised in the middle, generally so as to form an ob- tuse angle, though sometimes it has a continuous curve. This variety of nose is suggestive of strength rather than delicacy of mind, and of prudence than generosity. Both the varieties which have been men- tioned depend much for their favorable significance upon the purity of their " lines," and degree of per fection of " chisseling." The Aquiline nose is curved and hooked, like the bill of the eagle. It is usually accompanied by sharp- ness and activity of mind, but is indicative rather of acuteness than solidity. It is also an accompaniment of cunning, selfishness, and rapacity. (If the reader, or his wife, has such a nose, he will of course know the case is an "exception.") The Retrousse nose is vulgarly called the " turn-up." It is rarely accompanied by nobleness or greatness of mind, but rather signifies one absorbed by self The possessor of such a nose may be witty, sensitive, and " thin-skinned," but rarely generous, manly, or high- souled. On this kind of nose "hats" have been sus- pended. The "Pw^"-nose — the poor little pug-nose; what 6^ 130 On Noses. need be said of tlie pug-nose ? Everybody knows tbe pug-nose. Not " big enougli to pull," or small enough to be called a wart, it can neither be blown nor worn with satisfaction, and is only possessed by men as little in proportion as the excrescence itself Napo- leon gave small-nosed men a particularly wide berth — and there was reason. There are modifications of all these varieties ; and, indeed, a great portion of all the noses may be termed modifications. Then we have the " bottle-nose," the " carbuncle nose," the " rum-blossom nose," the " squab-nose," the ^'flat nose," and the nose with the knob at the end. The next to the last named- variety embraces the African nose. A wide nostril denotes a deep, full chest. A Yerj red and highly -inflamed nose is significant of " apple-jack," which is a " weak- ness." "Washington had a very fine, wide-ridged Grecian nose. The Greeks are generally supposed to have Grecian noses. Wellington had a remarkable Eoman nose, and most Eomans have them likewise. John Eandolph and Tristram Burgess had aquiline noses. ^^Turnrup," and "pug" noses are not commonly sported by great men. On Noses. 131 A race of people — fhank Heaven becoming extinct — called Yankees, have succeeded in converting tlie nose into a musical instrument, — of wondrous power, but somewhat deficient in sweetness. It is not com- monly considered so good as the natural organ, and, it is to be fervently hoped, will in time be disused. We have only to fancy the human countenance divested of the nose, to agree with Moses that the nasal appendage is " very good in its place." The ad- vocates of Aaron's theory are becoming rare. MR. PEPPER'S GREAT ODE. READEK, I have not tlie heart to add to the elo- quent words which follow, introducing to the world what seemed Mr. Pepper's last letter and poem : — ''The ' Or eat Pote^ has emerged from the desolateness of his transient rusticity into the light of society and 'frens.' But alas! Pepper is a wreck 1 Let his note 'revele.' Its sombre shadows disclose a ponderous ' wo ' which his sensitive dehcacy alone warns him to withhold, in all its magnitude and tragic horror, from a too-easily-affected community. Phcebus ! how much ' genus ' can suffer, and not ' cave I ' But the reader must not be kept longer in suspense • " *' Demosthenes proper, " Octoblr 1th, '54, " Mr. L. galerd Clark, esq. : " Mr. editer — after a long silens ov uperds ov 8 munths (in consekens ov bein fir remoov rum feverything bi a Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. 133 laik, a fishin fur mi helth) i hev now returnd hoam to Di. theres no resun wi i shoodent, as i hevent got nothin fur to liv fur, now. mi tale shel never be toald to no boddy — much les to hir. i hev only comunicatid the cecrit to 1 fren. no boddy els coodentbi it fur munny. but i mene to kepe a-ritin potry al the wile, til i cant hoald a pen. then ses i, Goast, go up ! ile welcum deth cuickly, onles a sertin oald tiren soon egspires, wich aint prob- ble, as meen men never di. But the Werld shel thine ime gay — mi pomes shel be rote so cairles. encloased is a noad to the grek Slaiv, wich plese cend to the comitty,* ef not too lait, as i feer. ef so, plees keep the saim, as a me Ment© ov the moril Kerig ov Yours fur a few days oanly, K. N. Pepper. "p. s. i doant cair about the $100 dollers. giv the munny to sum yung man as is gest marid to the objeck ov his chois & startin into biznes. wot doo i wont ov munny ? ide hk it per- aps ef that oald tiren but i say no moar. egskews my emo- shuns. thaym overpowrin & daingerus. k. n. p. "A NOAD TO THE GREK SLAIV. " I's moar, mi Pen, asoom I's moar the trasis ov blanc Yers : I's moar spring nt0%- into em. doant gerk. go cam & cuiet; but git on fire gradily, mi pen, & giv the subjeck Convulshuns I * The " Cosmopohtan Art Association " offered a prize for the best Ode to the Grreek Slave. Mr. Pepper had a mind to con- tend for it. 134 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. " Statoo ! (good hevins ! wers mi i's ? — ime blind !) STUN PicTER ! hail ! — ^in consekens ov your glory i shel be compeld to hev a operashun performd fur Cat a rack, immejitly. i thougt i cood go this slo ; But i se it cant be dun : youm al powrful : your influens is sech, ime al ov a trembel, & fele a sort ov sicnes a-crepin into mi stomic slo but shoor — like a gimblit into a board. wos you al sculp frum 1 pese ? say, Perfeckshun ! — hevent you got no goints maid ov putty, nor nothin ? But no ; i feel youm perfeck : i thine, at leest, that poWers's story otto be giv ear to — wich ses youm al hac out ov a marble stun, (imortel powrs ! wot a genus fur sculp !) distingguisht Femail ! a-standin thayr onto 1 leg — in silens admired bi hundreds, i supoas — you ken apreshait the felings ov her as went in swimmin, & soon aperin I's moar, discuverd nothin into the plais ov a good soot ov Cloas, as wos a-lyin thayr But 1 short minit previs — supoasd to be hern, (pardon me, grek, %r the alooshun.) But wot need hes Buty, fur menny artikels ov aparril ? how menny ladys you se wich sertinly thine Eve's fashion wos the handyest, but tliay parshelly giv in to custum, out ov the nateral kindnis ov thayr harts ! Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. 135 wos that the stile wen you wos animaitid ? then wot did you cawl makin ov a toy ht ? frum your compleckshun i shood thine peraps you dined prinsiply onto your natyv Air. it must hev ben ov a soHder maik than nited Staitsen air, wich is mity thin dyit wen used egscloosiv, as i otto no. o Slaiv ^but i leve you to ges wots hapend : oanly remarkin that 3 wekes ive Hvd onto it ; But at last poor ITacher hes cum round to vittels. " wot butiful hans — so delekit & wite I thats moastly dun bi activly a-doin nothin. i no a yung lady as hes got sech hans — oanly not cuite so very wite & teanty, oin to a crule Faither as maiks her were, her naim is hanah g. W. her feet air larger, But woodent be ef her shoos & stockins wos of. her arm, ef anything, is bigern yourn; & shes raither better lookin into the fais. firther comparrisuns wood be but ges were, owin to the present inconvenyent fashinsj But no dout thay wood be faverbel to hanah. i no her figers shorter, likewais her noas ; But in them fechers statoos must be pardond, fur sculpera hev inoomeribel rinkels. POWRS thincs Buty lays in hite & length — But 1 looc at HANAH wood chaing his hul idee. 136 Mr. Pepper's Great Ode. yet hoo wood hev al Buty ov a peese ? Statoo ! fur your stile youm perfeck ! your looc ov cam disgust is probbly rite, altho sum harts wood gladly se thee smiL your air is forin, sos your nashun too ; you air the verry Picter ov a grek in chains, & no dout a 1st chop sampel. it doant tan you much to traivil, i se : youm probbly well cloathed, exsep wen shoad ; then your dres is egstreemly lo in the nee : Bein a vizzionery Bloomer, without enny pans- or a full dress, posessiv cais under stood. " i must now bid you a abrupt adoo, fair Statoo 1 fehn al the distressin simtums ov a pereodikel atact ov pain into the bowls. Marble stun Enteepris 1 — Fair thee wel I ' PHRENOLOGY OF THE HEAVENS. A PAINTING. BY MR. PEPPER. ON the next page but two, will be found an engrav- ing from a " Shove Dover," by Mr. Pepper — wlio, like T. Buchanan Kead, is an artist-poet. The follow- ing extract from the remarks of J M , the eminent critic, it will be perceived, even from the engraving, are profound and lucid, as well as just : " This remarkable work is the first of its kind. We are at a loss where to place it. We cannot, perhaps, put it before the greatest of the ' Chef d'oeuvre Productions ' of Landis, the cele- brated apostle of 'High old Art and Literature,' — he of 'the 138 Phrenology of the Heavens. Capitol of this Commonwealth, contiguous to which, he ' is a native;' nor can it be placed behind that painting ; for then it could not be seen at all. It must take its own place." 4c 4: H< :K 4: * H< " The chiaro-'scuro effects, in this painting, are very fine : so fine that most unassisted eyes will not be able to perceive them. Mr. Pepper's handling is quite — nay, excessively, free ; and he works up his inspirations with — in short, his brush. His color- ing cannot be excelled, for intensity of blue ; while the general tone, considering the subject, is uncommonly moral. Were we hypercritical, it might be obvious to remark, that the best paint- ers of celestial scenery represent stars with five points instead of six ; but of course it does not become a liberal critic to notice such a trifling blemish : the artist may have seen stars with six points. " It is interesting to note those Httle inaccuracies which evince the carelessness of true genius. Thus, the left fore-leg of the bear is fore-shortened too much by about the thirty-second of an inch. But how amply is this oversight atoned for in the extra- ordinary amount of intelligence thrown into the /ace of the bear ! The tip of this celestial animal's nose is full of meaning. And the grace and repose of his figure — ^particularly the tail — chal- lenge the encomium of every lover of extremely High Art. " The accessories are well managed ; the artist has them under complete control. Indeed, they have never been managed in quite the same way before. On a careful inspection of certain marks, we cannot resist the impression that the picture was at Phrenology of the Heavens. 139 first intended as a mere skiagram ; but that the suggestiveness of the subject induced the artist to fill it up, with all that elabo- rateness of finish now observable in it. How exquisitely faith- ful are the claws of the bear ! How delicately pencilled are his ears !" * * * * * j(! *• " We understand that an engraving of this admirable pamtmg is being prepared, and impressions will be ready for subscribers by about the middle of September. Artists' proofs — with a gift- book — one dollar. Without the gift-book, four cents. The exquisite jokes, in parentheses, were invented by Mr. Podd — whose spirits went so high, on the final completion of the painting, that for the space of half an hour his gravity entirely forsook him." FRE NOLLIG OV THE HEVINS. FBOM THE OBIQIKAL PIOTtTEK, IN THE P08SBSBI0N Off P. PEPPER PODD, ESQ. Miiif'^' [Remarc] Heer we hev a picter ov the Hevins, as thay apeerd be4 the stars wos fixt acordin to Act ov congriss : fur "wich we caat be too graitful. Venous — al bloody — is seen onto the rite, gest a-settin — ^peraps fur to hach (wich goak is^pirfeckly arigenal) : G-rait Bair, rampan, with his tail a-flyin, is the prinsi- pal objeck into thefrunt — sed bi Connysoors to hev apecoolyerly sagashus looc out ov his left i : Moon, over the left — wich is a bad sine ; shood chaing with Yenous. (End ov the Remarc.) (Desined & painted, & the Remarc compoased, with grait expens — espeshelly the arigenal Goak — ^fur to be shoad bi Mr. Winter: wich^the pris he coodent pay: — remarkin that cheep Genus wos al he cood afoard to encurrig. n.b. no Solt must be put onto the Bairs tail.) THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN. OWI]S"G to tlie continued operation of those natural laws which govern the motions of the earth, and the impossibility of the sun's rays penetrating the bo(fc'es of the planets, it was night in Bugtown. I will conceal nothing : the hour was eleven, and it was dark ! for as yet there was no gas in Bugtown, and the moon was away that night, attending to a little business — ^in fact, pursuing her reflections in the groves of Persia, where she has been, from the ear- liest ages, afflicted with a passion for wandering. I am not prepared, of myself, to assert that it was very dark; but I firmly believe it was, because Eose Water, who had been standing for ten minutes on the steps of her father's house, trying to see her own hand, which she held before her face for that purpose, 142 The Little Frenchman. said it was ; and I have no intention of disputing a ladj. An insect — which, in flying about with unusual ardor, had covered itself with perspiration — happening to touch the hand of the lady, just as she had delivered the opinion ascribed to her, and light- ened herself of a ponderous sigh, she added, in a tone of considerable vexation, " And, I declare, it's rain- ing. How provoking !'" A sigh followed, compared with which, the other was as nothing, in point of weight and general dimensions — the latter being decidedly longer, while at least as broad and thick as its predecessor. She then went in. [It is probable that a portion of my readers are surprised that I do not lengthen the preceding sen- tence by the addition of the word "lemons;" sup- posing, of course, that our heroine immediately engaged in some unique employment, with consi- derable energy — all of which may be expressed in that brief and elegant phrase. No ; she went in, as I said — feeling sour enough, I dare say, but nothing near as acid as the fruit mentioned. Another intelli- gent and acute portion of my friends are, doubtless, ready to suggest the substitution, for ''went in," of the phrase " turned in," as more comprehensive, and The Little Frenchman. 143 savoring of probability, at that hour of the night. I confess I am not smitten with a mania for economy in words. In due time I should, perhaps, have alluded to Eose's going to bed ; though I doubt if I would have been quite so minute, in the description of that process, as Mr. Keats, in his "Eve of St. Agnes." Let all readers leave the narration of the story to me, and read on with child-like confidence in the excellence of its management.] Why had Koee Water for so long a time exposed herself to the night air of Bugtown — knowing full well, as she did, that fever-and-ague was prevalent in that section ? It is quite probable that Eose had her own reasons for it. It is no affair of ours. It may not be thought particularly impertinent, however, for me to mention that she was friendly to one Count La Yendre — or "Lavender, the little Frenchman," as he was good-humoredly termed by the boys of the village — who was spending the summer in the country, his home being, since his exile, in New York city. Every one except Eose seemed to think the count of no great account, and found it difficult to account for her preference. [I fancy a sneer of ineffable scorn to be wreathing 144 The Little Frenchman. the lips of some critical readers. Not for the titled foreigner do they feel that contempt. Oh no ! they already love the little Frenchman. That scorn is for me, the author. " A man who will pun,^^ they say, in tones of cutting severity, " or attempt the ringing of changes on words, merits the contempt of the general reading public, and the reprehension of his friends." All the same to him, if he don't get it. Losing sight of even the truth, in my devotion to a whim, I shall go on to say that — ] The little Frenchman could count on one good friend, at least, in Bugtown : one whose slightest taste never ran counter to his own ; one who delighted to hear him recount his Othello-nian adventures — the account of which would often make her heart beat faster than she could count ; one who, to all appear- ance, received the veracious narrative without any hesitation or mental discount : counting the count as honest as any he in the county, or, indeed, the coun- try — not mentioning the continent, as unwilling to countenance that wholesale manner of statement. There ! Kose went in. [Which makes the third time I have alluded to that sensible action, and lays me The Little Frenchman. 145 open to censure on the score of redundancy in lan- guage. No one but a fool would again repeat the assertion.] Leaving her to grope her way up to her room — muttering, as she went, that the various "stories" were "not so interesting as some she had gone through," I return to the count — whom, by the way, I do not remember to have left. The count was standing — no, I carUt lie : sitting — at his window in the village hotel, at the same hour (the reader will remember — eleven — how significant!) and also chiding, but in bad English, the unpropitious elements. To add to the horrors of his condition, the wretched little Frenchman was drunk. Like any other conquered son of Gaul, he did not seem to be aware of his situation, but conversed with the in- habitants of Pandemonium, and other low society, in a strain of energetic, but tipsy volubility, that must have disgusted even the lowest of that class, and estranged for ever the friendship of the more intelli- gent devils. " By gar ! zis is too bad !" he at length remarked — cooHng a little in both language and feeling. " Eose Yattare ! she vill say I am ze dem foo-00-ool ! I vill go, if it shall r-r-rain peech-fork I" So spake brave 7 146 The Little Frenchman. La Yendre, the httle Frenchman — adding the single expletive, "Sacre!" [The sagacious reader has, doubtless, already guessed — much to my surprise, and entirely contrary to my intention — that our Gallic friend, the vivacious La Yendre, and Kose Water had made some arrange- ment, probably clandestine, to be consummated that night: say running away, getting married, and coming back, repentant and forgiven, after many years, with a coach-and-six, six children and half-a- dozen servants. "It would be so nice!" murmurs some pretty blue-eyed creature in curls and 'teens. "Just the plot for a short novel," pronounces her literary and elderly sister. Ge-urls, it shall be as you say. That was the plan. I swear to you, that was the plan. Let us watch its fortunes.] The solemn tones of the village clock tinkled musi- cally and sadly as they tolled: no — struck: no — marked with feeling emphasis the hour of eleven. The hour-hand gravely pointed to the Koman charac- ters XL, on the dial-face, and, in conjunction with the more mercurial minute-hand, embraced affectionately the hour included between them. Soon the minute- hand, with ill-timed levity, offered to bet his brother The Little Frenchman. 147 that he would give him eleven-twelfths of the whole course the start, and overtake him in less than an hour and a half "Done!" said the self-conceited senior, forgetting his dignity in the excitement of the moment, and at once engaging in the race. Racing was no new thing to them ; in fact, they were old hands at it. While this undignified farce was acting in the steeple, the little Frenchman, all unconscious of that, and nearly everything else, pursued below his eccen- tric course towards the dwelling of his charmer. When he had arrived within a block or two of the house, continuing his recitations by the way, the shocked and distressed elements could no longer restrain their grief, and wept profusely. Notwith- standing this evidence of atmospheric agony the pro- fane Gaul continued to rail, until he stood beneath the window of Rose Water. It would seem that he felt a little disappointed at the general aspect of things on his arrival. Though straining his eyes to a dangerous degree of tension, he had not been able to discern the rope-ladder hanging from the window of his Dulcinea ; and it would have been a very singular discovery if he had, considering that there was none there. There was no sign of Rose ; no indication of a desire on her 148 The Little Frenchman. part to change her quarters, even though she should thus secure the " eligible, well- watered and every way desirable piece of property, soon to be sold." The count had thought he had known what sadness was, in days gone by. Indeed, he had often feelingly observed the same to Rose ; but now he was certain he knew. While his feelings were getting ready to cul- minate in some affecting speech, the window above him slowly raised, and two young ladies peered cauti- ously into the darkness. " There he is 1 — he has come, after all," whispered Rose to her companion, as a flash of lightning for a moment revealed the dripping and melancholy figure of the little Frenchman, now rush- ing to and fro in a state of dismal distress and un- healthy excitement. Was the elopement, then, to take place, and make a happy man of the count, not- withstanding the unpromising aspect of affairs ? We shall see. -^ At length, as the accumulative, blighting unhappi- ness of his state, without and within, came upon him with resistless force, he clasped his hands, and gave vent to his injured feelings. "By gar! zis is tr-r-riste diffecultee! I shall be mad I Rose Yattare I Yous make dem foo-00-ool The Little Frenchman. 149 of me ! It is not kind ! I shall str-r-rike mon head on ze wall! I vill now r-r-run!" — which intention was hardly called for, as he had been running all the while. Nevertheless, it served to quicken the speed of the unhappy Frenchman, who now made directly for the wall as though he were charging a battery. Suddenly he stopped and clapped both his hands to his stomach, losing at once both his color and anima- tion. The bad liquor, the excitement, the rain, and the melancholy had done their office. "I am zee-ee- eek!" whimpered the miserable Httle Frenchman. " I will go back to ze hotel !" He was too thorough- ly plunged in distress to be aware of the smothered laugh which stole down from Kose's window, and fol- lowed him merrily a good distance. Mightily glad to reach his destination was the Count La Yendre. Shutting his door on the world with its cares and troubles, including a portion of his share in both, the stiU unhappy Graul stood for a moment con- templating himself in the glass. Then, with a mut- tered " Sacrel" the little Frenchman, now thoroughly disgusted, rushed to the bed, threw himself on it, and groaned himself to sleep. A POEM (AND POET) CUT SHORT. " One dem*d grind." — Mantalini. SHADE of Mother G-oose : that long since fled (No one knows when, exactly,) to the sky : Bend, pr'ythee, bend thy venerable head — Look down, good Grhost, if with but half-an-eye, And see a struggling poet rhyming here. Oh I for a moment lay your knitting by For work more fitting : write, make blunders, cry- Drop but a line, a stitch — a pitying tear ; Do anything, to prove you sympathize In his distress ; so will you hush his sighs, Warm his cold heart, inspire his lazy pen — And make him yours devotedly. Amen. ANTISTROPHE. Methinks a voice, all thin and quavery, cracked, Steals down in whispers : " I am Mother Goose. A Poem (and Poet) cut short. 151 Take my advice : Unless bv Want attacked, Never again thy Pegasus unloose : For I should now be Uving on the earth, If Fate had with my genius made a truce, Consigned my well-known Melodies to the deuce. And spared those labouring pains which marlred their birth:" And here, a sob assaults my tender ear. So natural and " old," I think it queer Those vocal sounds should have the least existence, Just travelled, quavering, such an awful distance. EPODE. Good heavens 1 — can it be so — is " Mother" right? Is " G-oose" aufait in matters of this kind ? — Matron, Sage-ess, Wisdom's Shade I — this night I bend an old twig to your turn of mind. The world should know, that a tremendous poet Majestically leaves himself behind — Himself thus martyrs, whistles down the wind. 'Tis sad to have much genius (and to know it) — Compelled to choke it down, or lose a life ; But she was all unequal to the strife, — And I — my poems, or my breath resigning, Make now my choice — and straightway stop my whining. A PAUSE. PEEHAPS it is just as well, my tender-hearted reader, to postpone the shock of Mr. Pepper's harrowing next. Suffer yourself to be detained a little while by a few trifles. Try a crumb from the Orient : — FABLE FROM THE ARABIC. One morning the Sun said to himself: " This is the day I have fixed on for the annihilation of Raschid al Ferez, the bareheaded despiser of my power. The wretch must die ! I have said it." He then began to travel over the sandy plain, which soon was ready to fuse with the extraordinary heat. But what astound- ing sight has filled the sun with wonder, and checked his blazing progress across the heavens? Raschid al Ferez is no longer bareheaded! " Alas! " said the over-heated luminary, in a ter- rible perspiration, "why am I always a day too late? A friend A Pause. 153 to my intended victim has robbed me of my prey by sending him, from New York, one of ' Whang's Gossamer Hats.' I know them I They are proof against anything I can do in Arabia. When I get directly over the comer of Broadway and T'other Street, I will endeavor to burn up their establishment."* Or a sententious and oracular home-made tit-bit: — A HAPPY EXPEDIENT. One day, when Time was young, the Graces, clustering round him, desired to know how long he was to exist. Conscious of his ignorance, but, because his locks were already grey, wish- ing to be thought wise, he thus rephed : " For Man was I created. He dies : to him I exist no longer." (This is very funny.) Or a sentimental taste : — ,^ - UNREST. Alas 1 what strangers we are to sweet content I What trifles move us ! Geometricians tell us points have " neither length, breadth, nor thickness, but position only." Our school-days being over, how many of us — dwelling in blest obscurity, but lacking neither in length, breadth, nor thickness — are ever vainly sighing to be points ! * Picked up in the street: supposed to be intended as an advertisement 7* I 154 ^ Pause. Or a narrative and anecdotical morsel :— AUTHENTIC INCIDENT IN WASHINGTON'S LIFE. Washington was one day walking in his front yard, when who should come in, unperceived, but La Fayette. Bursting with the humor of his idea, the Marquis stole up to the General and slapping him on the back, roared out: " Wash 1 my old boy — ^how are you?" ''Tol'ble, Mac," said Washington, with that perfect self-possession which he always exhibited, — " I feel — but stop : I smell dinner ! Wait here a few minutes, and I'll fetch you out a bite." Or a biograpLical slice : — TORRICELLI. - This was the Italian gentleman who discovered the vacuum. While engaged in a busthng search for it, he originated a style of answer to impertinent inquiries, that has since become common. His inquisitive uncle observed the flurry he was in, and cried : "What are you looking for, Torry?" '■''Oh., nothing, ^^ was the reply, — which both incensed and silenced the old man. Torri- ceUi, being a man of genius, was modest, and did not make much of his discovery ; but modern scientific men affect to see a good deal in it. Nature is said to abhor a vacuum : but it is thought she resembles many other solid old women, who are remarkable for making a prodigious fuss about nothing at all. Or a jojjose sip or two : — A Pause. 155 A HEAVY JOKE. (expected to go the rounds.) The most amusing geological curiosity is a " G-rin' stone ! " ANOTHER. The most emblematical one (significant of a stupid cow-fight) is the greenish mineral '' Hornblende." CONUNDRUM. Why is this book like the Eussians at Sebastopol ? Because it is pretty well Pepper-ed. Or an epigrammatic final puff: — JENNY LIND's LAST NOTE. A-sighing in her garden, one damp morning, She looked where Groldy in the window sat — Who, dozing there, that moment dropped his hat. She picked it up, the act with song adorning. But stopped, in both, — that instant having warning Her sighs would hardly let her reach A flat. " But, soft : behold I " A Tribute to Genus. Thus Clark, with energy : '' Mr. U. C. Skippers sends us ' A Dress to K.N. Pepper,' from which we segregate the following. But, Mr. Skippers, Pepper can't be imitated — ^he can only be approached at a very great distance : " 156 A Pause. " Great Pepper I thou star ov 1st magnitude In the Utterrary cistern, receve mi offerinks In yur own stile ov blanc vers witch dont Yu nevr fursak. Youm eeny about the fust Poik livin witch kums up 2 mi idees. Wat a free an unparalel han yu strik the Kords with, dont yu ? Youm grat 1 youm punkins 1 ****** Yu ken sale on, grat barb, Hke the elektrik spare "Witch darts the hevinks thru an rips the klowds Considrable, an sumtimes strikes barns ; Jes so youl rip the klowds of ignerens & erer. Yu ken beet eny Hvin peek & not | tri He bet, with yur rite han tide behin ye." Si MR. PEPPER WALKS IN THE "VAL- LEY OF SHADOWS." THEKE is much, in Civil War, to justify our fears wlien threatened with it: much, very much, in Toothache. But when a man, and that man a poet : a man of imagination, feeling, sympathy, affection : has reasoned with himself, and come to the conclusion that Suicide is the only thing that can make existence supportable, we infer at once, that man has suffered^ and very likely been unable to sleep much for several nights. We know it I Keader I fancy yourself possessed of the organiza- tion of a Pepper. It is hard to do it, but — ^fancy it. Then, in imagination, overwhelm your gentle spirit with misfortune, neglect, enmity, disappointment, and the hereditary misery of Genius : go on, — ^goad- 158 Walks in the Valley of Shadows. ing yourself to that pitch of madness that life becomes " a burthen and a curse :" keep up this unpleasant "posture of affairs" a few days or weeks: — then cal- culate yourself up, and see what you come to. You will think (and Skippers will agree) that it is " not exactly the cheese" to be in, a great while. You may have desperate thoughts of — ^but no ; even then, com- pared with Peppee, you would be happy. For he must leave the angelic Hannah Jane. The "rub" was to rub himself out of her society; and not to yield up beefsteak and the light of day. That part cannot be imagined. The annexed correspondence, when it appeared in the Knickerbocker Magazine, spread (very evenly) a gloom over the continent of North America, from the Isthmus of Darien to 82° 50' ; which is giving Melancholy the largest latitude that can be afforded in the present state of our geographical knowledge : " Demosthenes Four-Corners, Jan. 10, 1866. "Mr. Clark: Editor: " Sir : After reading the inclosed letter which I have just had the melancholy Pleasure of receiving from our mutual friend Mr. K. N. Pepper, Esq., you will of course lay aside all other Con- siderations and weep with me. Sir : Tears are good. He was Walks in the Valley of Shadows. 159 worth rivers of them, or, if I am extravagant, creeks. I say was, for I consider him a Eehct. He was, but is not. He is dead to the world, although he may feel alive. He is a singular instance of the experimentwm Crucis. It is not too much to say that I regret his absence. He has left a void which I fear Aches. My children were wont to greet him playfully, and received Brazihan nuts at intervals. The three-cornered productions of South America may be supplied, but where is the Benefactor ? Perhaps you do not wonder that I am weeping ; perhaps you do not wonder that four children and an angelic Woman have streaks of dirt on their cheeks. You can feel for them. You have been in the same painful situation. " But a flood of emotion appears to be rising. I must close before I am carried away. " With consideration : Sir : Yours, " P. Pepper Podd. " P. S. As the Transaction will be unknown to Mr. Pepper, I will send you Part First of the Great Pome as soon as I receive it from him. p. p. p." "'Deer Feller: "<<^ive fled, fal to were a-makin up your mind as soon as you reed this, & resine yourself to the idee, i no it will hert your fehngs, but it wil soon be over. Pepper is a-goin to kil hisself. His fren Podd wont never, never be a witnes ov his ageny, & ketch his last breth. -His axcents must be waisted onto the desert air, &; his i's wil never be cuverd with smal coins, o the hapines ov a-sayin Fairwel to Wo, & a-lookin for'ids to l6o Walks in the Valley of Shadows. " ' A good time a-comin, Boys, onto the utlier side ov Gordon 1' But ive got a grait Were to finish — wich wont be under severil weeks (the saim as i aloodid to last summer wen i felt so gay & hapy). i am a-goin to dedecait it to you into 2 parts, the 1st i wil send soon, you air to kepe it al til you no i have deseized miself: after wich event you may egsersize your plesyour. amungst mi efex is severil smal pomes as i throo off bi od spels. if you ever colect mi wercs, they air to go in. Thers no use a- tryin to find me. ime invizzibel to the hewman Speshy ; ime effectooaily conseled by nothin. " * ef i doant git time to rite to you I's moar be4 i 'shovil up this mortel coal' (frum Shaik.) talk this fur the last. Podd, i fele distres. i cant rite. Fairwel. " ' frum your suferin but soon releved fren. "'KKPeppeb.'" LAGER BIER LYRIC. TAKEN FROM THE LIPS OF AN IMPORTED COCKNEY. Sense and reason show the door. Call for my bier, and point me to the dust. Night Thoughts, LovEL. How much. Sir, may a man with safety drink ; John. Sir, three half pints a day is reasonable ; I care not if you never exceed that quantity. y ,,:, / Lamb's John Woodvil-. YEN Hingland vos my dwelling-place, an' "boots's" vos my station, _. t I thought our hale an* porter vos complete in hopperation ; And not a Scotchman come to us but vos ableeged to hown, That vos the joUiest juice o' malt vich 'e 'ad hever known — The jolliest hever known. i62 Lager Bier Lyric. I couldn't think o' Halbion without a tear o' pride ; An' ven the day vos finished, with my pewter by my side, In 'appiness I'd smoke my pipe, a stoppink for to quaff My liquor, vether it vos porter, hale, or 'alf-an'-'alf — Or jolly 'alf-an'-'alf. And ven I vos aboard the ship, a-goink for to leave My native land so fur avay, I 'isted of my sleeve. An' finding of it vet with tears, I vent atween the decks, A-feeUn' wery mis'able without my Double X — My jolly Double X. But ven I'd j'ined the stars and stripes, and dropped my hac- cent too, I found a German custom 'ere, as vos a Httle new ; So now I takes my Lager Bier vith all the other fellers, And finds it hev'ry block or two in all the hoyster cellars — The jolly hoyster cellars. They keeps this precious " Lager " in the joUiest little kegs I And all the more you drinks of it the more you keeps your pegs; Vun man 'ad drunk five gallons, and vos takin' of another, Ven, feelin' werry generous, he give it to his brother — His dry and jolly brother. The Germans thinks the vorld of it, and veil the fellers may, For it is meat an' drink to 'em, and bed and clothes, they say Lager Bier Lyric. 163 And every child has Lager, too, it's fed to ev'ry babby- Por givin' of 'em milk would be to treat 'em rayther shabby — Too jolly mean and shabby. The papers they'm hall full of it, heach jolly writer too ; And many says hif you should give the inwentor vot's his due, You'd go and make a saint of him — a sort of Dutch re-Peter, To tell vot time our hale give in to somethink rayther better — ■ The Lager, vich is better. So, 'ere's my jolly Germans, vith their jolly yeUow 'air ; My spry and vitty Germans, hall so 'appy and so fair ; And 'ere's the 'uman Blessing as ve prinsiply 'old dear : The jolly, jolly German, as inwented Lager Bier — The jolly Lager Bier. ON THE CLAM. OTHOU queer creature — tliou mixture of meat 5 and drink, and miracle of oddity ; tliou that art neifher " animal, vegetable, nor mineral :" in a word, Bivalve ! — look up, and behold thy champion ! It was well thus to commence with an apostrophe to the genus. Let me now address myself to the sjpecies. Ineffable Clam ! — ^But hold ! what noise was that ? Why this fearM tension ? Startled Clam, allay your fears ; for here no sacrificial knife is thirsting for your vitals. The mouth may " water," the inner man may "yearn" — but shall they be satisfied? The fatal steel is far, indeed, from these bloodless haunts; so are the "pepper and vinegar." In the On the Clam. 165 liglit of these encouraging facts, dear Clam, dismiss your agitation; silence your "?," and be ca(Qm. What ! harm thee, dear Clam, after this brief and interesting acquaintance? Eather than see thee in- jured, I would see dozens, yea, bushels of oysters swallowed, and feel no pity. Let us be friends, then ; we are friends. There ! I knew you would be open and frank with me. Now please be quiet till I — • Shut again I " Still suspicious." Too-sensitive Clam. r ^ r \ But am I doing justice, either to the character of the Clam or of my own sentiments, by this untimely levity? Far from it; all Clam-dom shall bear me witness. ;^ ; It is impossible to contemplate these interesting objects without emotion — a watering of the eyes, and mouth. The genus Bivalve has many varieties, but in none other of these can we feel a tithe of the melancholy interest that attaches to the Clam. Spurned by his aristocratic relative, the oyster, and treated by humans with comparative indifference when both are subjects of contemplation, the Clam, by nature sensitive, feels his degradation deeply; and, although conscious of his many and decided l66 On the Clam. merits, submits meekly to be misunderstood and undervalued, and even to bave bis modesty mistaken for an ignorant and stupid acquiescence. Injured bivalve I Thy delicate organization must needs suffer many rude shocks during thy brief but troubled existence. While thy mental sufferings are of a character and intensity known only to Clams, thy body, after enduring the buffetings of many a rude wave, and the jealous attacks of the injurious oyster, is almost certain to undergo violent torture and a cruel death at the hands of the genus ''homo." Inoffensive and long-suffering creature! Is he responsible for the flavor of his flesh ? we indignantly ask ; must his amiable disposition change ? Must he become proud and haughty like his cousin, the oyster ? Must he sink his native dignity of charac- ter, and herd with his fellows, in schools, from a cowardly idea of safety ? Must he leave his modesty and the mud together? The meanest and most pusillanimous Clam in existence would spurn the idea with an indignation approaching to anger^ if Clams are capable of so gross a feeling. No ; thanks to the native independence of his race, each Clam is On the Clam. 167 to himself a king, and to his foes an armed republic ! To an equal he never yields ; to a proven superior he sabmits with a graceful dignity. In times of peace the Clam is a philosopher ; and, as far as possible, passes his even, quiet, and peaceful life in lofty meditation and the cultivation of the graces. How rational, how pleasing a life is this I Alas! that it should be perpetually disturbed by traditions of a ruthless foe in the upper world ! Ah I could these prove but airy visions whose fabric were baseless ! Alas ! that dread experience proves them but too true ! — A dire calamity cuts short the medita- tions of genius. Into those classic haunts the rake descends; and the peaceful philosopher, feeling that resistance were worse than useless, drops a silent tear — which, were he an oyster, would turn to a pearl — and sighing a tender farewell to his native mud, with Stoical firmness rises to untried scenes in another element. These " untried scenes " are gene- rally of a very harrowing description, and need not be enlarged upon — the single word hnife suggesting as much horror as a kind-hearted person would care to have expressed in words. Even when he escapes i68 On the Clam. this almost inevitable fate, it is only to die a more lingering and cruel death from exposure and neglect ; in fact, he pines away. How melancholy, then, is the compliment to human nature when we say, " As happy as a Clam I" Happy! He is never happy, even at "high-tide." Even upon his calmest reveries will intrude the painful thought, the fatal certainty, of final separation from all he holds most dear. Ha'ppy ! When a man is happy he mingles with his fellow men. But when he is wretched, does he not brood in silence over his woes, and cultivate retirement as his only solace ? Tis thus, ah ! yes — thus with the unhappy Clam ! " Wrapped in the solitude of hi^ own origi- nality," and giving his genius play, he may for awhile forget his woes; so do disconsolate mortals. But happy ! Kame it not, even in a jest. Let us not wantonly trifle with feelings doubtless more keen and sensitive than our own. There is hope that for the Clam a brighter day is dawning. Already a sense of justice inclines the lover of bivalves to victimize the callous oyster rather than his tender cousin. The oyster is gay On the Clam. 169 because he has no fine feelings. He looks down ■upon the modest Clam, who does not care to enter his circle, and while rightly judging his thoughtful connexion unfitted for hollow amusement, he affects to despise while iie really envies him. The oyster is light and trifling ; the Clam, sohd and practical. The latter may improve with time ; the former must retro- grade. If we must choose, then, let our cry be, "Death to the oyster r The question has been asked: "Do oysters ever fall in love?" I must answer, rarely, ifeYex] Clams, always. The ordinary oyster is incapable of the sentiment. There can be no more melancholy subject for contemplation than that of a Clam that is the victim of hopeless love. What could sooner check the violence of mirth, and subdue us to a state of trembling commiseration, than the thought of a Clam in tears? But there, I touch a too tender chord. In the ardor of defence I have gone too far. If, in the absence of oysters, we are ever reduced to the melancholy necessity of dining off Clams, let us treat them gently : disengaging them quickly from the shell, and, without mangling, effecting an instant 8 ^ lyo On the Clam. deglutition. Then let us invoke the Discontented Shade, and humbly ask forgiveness : pleading a dire necessity, and engaging to so regulate our taste for bivalves, and confirm our discrimination of the species, that we may come to look ijpon the Clam as sacred. MR. PEPPER'S EIGHTH UPHEAVING. READER, liow gladly would I spare tliee every tear thou must shed over the woes of Pepper ! But the stern duty of the faithful chronicler must be done. Read Mr. Podd's affecting note : DemostJienes Four Com&ra^ March 12, 1855. " Mr. Clark : Editor : " Sir : The Eepository of the most wonderful Poem of modern times has the pleasure of transmitting it to you. It came last night, enveloped in Mystery. If that is too poetical an expres- sion, allow me to substitute Brown Paper — which appeared to have been taken from a package of candles. " This will justify the expression. It is significant. No note or direction — explanation. Again significant. His name signed in his own Blood, which Skepticism would call red ink. Alas 1 significant ! A faint but perceptive odor of Lanterns. Signifi- cant! 172 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. " Is it not wonderful ? Was he ever equalled in Pathos by- even Ancient Authors — as, for instance, Gtulliver ? (And be- tween ourselves, Sir, were the Poems of Socrates so remarkable as to forbid the rising Impulse to honor the Descriptive powers of Pepper ?) Sir, in Sickness he is G-reat. All of his Poems show it. He never alludes to sickness without affecting me to tears : in fact, I often feel sick myself. You will not fail to notice his great improvement in Penmanship. I think he has Prac- tised. I know he has. If he did not spurn such things he would always speU as well as he writes. But what part of Genius is orthography ? " If he has gone — oh ! if he has ! — and the thought is Mad- ness — or at least unpleasant — ^let us be thankful that his Great Work is finished. It Lives ! And Posterity wiU not (I am con- fident) willingly allow it to Decease ! "From a surcharged heart. " Yours, P. PEPPER PODD." WEELBARER. INTO 2 parts: part the 1th. DBDEOATT TO P. PEPPEE PODD BI THE AUTHEE ME. K. N. PEPPEK. ESQ. Not that ime in eny thing ov a hurry, o muse, (its cumfertin to no youv got a muse,) Wood i adress Thee on the subjeck ov A large Pome. For varis is the oportoonitys ive giv Thee to wock up to the Captins ofis & their to settel or maik your frend a nofer ; Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. 173 But you hev slited al mi Overtoors. o is my preshus muse a-goin to leev & finelly be no moar herd ov enywers ? Ken nothin worm her (at present) coald shoalder ? Eeturn & smile on Pepper, his muse I Eemember hees desolved al pardnership With evry thing, & is a onhapy Berd as thincs ov flyin oanly a few days longer. cum & help smooth his delekit wite ploomig, & teech his poor vols oanly 1 moar song : So then he'll go in pese, & you may find consolashun in funerls & sech. (Now hevin be praisd — ^mi muse she is a-comin.) Go 4th & se the Yelow Berd so hapy I G-o witnes Blu-Gay, a-spoartin in the son I A. se the Ant a-piHn up the dert sereen & smilin, Ukewais industris. Behoald the Elefant, a-floppin ov his eers, Mindles ov Driver wot pecs onto his hed. Sech wos Abner. woshemoar? he wos. His Faither followd chopin, & his Grand Muther wos religis. His oan muther onfortinetly dide from the effecks ov Sassig. as she wos plus wen she thus did di, she tooc her oanly son & frely sed : 174 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. " Abner, your muther is egspected up, & reely cant stay & talk of her things. Abnek, mi preshus — ^youm a oanly son, & ov coars your bruthers aint noomeris. Wot i say you ken at last depend on. mi prinsipel last werds is, Never Cus. Your Faither, Abner, never did but I's, & he wos sic fur uperds ov 2 vi^ekes." so Abner cuicly swoar he woodent cus, & then she looct at him & the oald man : a-regrettin as the Sassig wos so harty : & a-sayin Grood Bi, in a febel vois, Wos a-travelin Hoamerds in about 1 minnit. " Abner, shes gon !" the oald man then remarct, Bi way ov comfortin his wepin son : "so she is, Faither," the yung man repHed; "she wos, a goodun, Abner," thenhesed; "so she wos, Faither," the son sed agin : & then the oald man fel I's moar to chopin. Abner gest then hed tooc a gob ov weelin Dert frum a seller as a man wos digin. Being wel paid, & very stout hisself, He dident loos no time in bein onhappy. He felt gest hke sum hefty Berd a-flyin, or wel-grode Ant a-bizzyin ov itself; Hede sing & wissel al the hv long day, Mr. 'Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. 175 & oanly stop fur vittels & terbacker, or at a Pig to gerc a stun so playful. o Hapines ! wot maid Thee up & leve ? o Fait I wy wos you so fixt that you coodent Help a I's deservin yung man cald Abner? Alas ! sech is Hewman Nater, i feer. Wen maid to go rite, wi shood it be pervers ? As wi shood Abner hev spile-t the pirrymid ov Blis bi a-settin ov it onto the cmal end ? But so he did, in an onfortinet moment, — As in the next Part we shel presently sho. PART THE 2th. MUSE, pervide a hankercher & weep I also, peraps it wil be rite to refews vittels & drinc as long as you ken stan it. Weer a-comin to the dare side ov the picter, Wair WO is roat in blac al round the fraim. Be cairful, muse, in a-roalin up the kertin, as it is maid ov Craip, & is cuite esy toar. o hev you seen the fond maternel Hen, With al ov her egs cmashed bi a roothles Fo ? Hev you discuverd Egel, a-cumin down on wings ov Nite, becos hers wos shot of bi a shot-gun ? & the astonished Dog Looe round with indignashun at his tale 176 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. severd bi crule Boy be4: his i's ? Wot Disapointment fur the helples Dog ! Wot straing Dissatisfacshun fur the Egel 1 Wot Wunder fur the long secloodid Hen I Al these hev felt the inflooens ov a chaing. (e-speshelly the onfortinet ca9 Dog.) Hen wos I's hapy — ^Egel wos — Dog wos : Wair air thay now ? at present Chaingd & gon 1 Abner wos a-weelin. as a Berd wos Abner ; (FeeUn, not weeUn — as a Berd doant weel ;) oft a-playin ov his oald gaim with the Pigs, & a-wissehn cairles, wen he dident sing, or a-thinkin ov Buty as wos fur away. But al to I's the hefty 'barer dropt, fur Abner felt a tiresum fit cum on. Wos Abner huffy ? ime afeerd he wos, Becos the fit wos sudent, onbenoanst-like. He set doun onto the 'barer with a gerk, & in a ninstan keched onto a nail «& toar his pans a gash wich say 3 inches. Wos thay a Nevil Spirit a-hangin round About that time, with nothin fur to do ? Wos this the Evil Our ? Wos Perteckshun G-on frum mortels fur about ^ minit ? no matter, now, wot wos gon : Abner Cussed I Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. 177 there wos comoshun amungst things direcly : the Hevins shoad simtoms ov a-turnin blac : the winds wos evidently a-prepairing fur to houl : erth giv a oder Hke rotten pertaters ; & wot wos wunderful — Weelbarer Gtroand I Evry thing seemd to be a-waitin fur sumthing. About that time, it seems, sumthing cum : Weelbarer Spoak I (Bi the way, Abner Wos a-feUn dredful, as you mite supoas, & altho he wonted to git up, he coodent.) "Abner!" sed the stern Weelbarer, " Abner [ Youm aweer as youv ben a-Cussin, Abner : You swoar to your oald mother how you woodent, & now you'U see L, Abner, perty cuic." so then it riz & pitched him of ov the trac : & the Hevins, as hed ben kindly a-waitin, Dide blac imejitly, & the winds roard cuite s^vig fur sech short notis. Eaither displeesd With the aspec things wos a-wairin jes then, He keched his breth, & put fur sumers els. But Egsersize ov runnin spiles the cistim, onles you feel Hke a-goin. So, as these onpleasant sercumstansis follered Abner, He dident engoy the goak. He felt insultid ; His fehngs hed ben teched with a rood hand : Besides, it hert wair he struc frum the 'barer, 8* 178 Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving. & he wosent wel hisself. He hed setteld into a nesy trot fur severil mild, a-beginnin fur to hoap fur plesenter wether ; Wen ScuEKE 1 Scueke ! Scueke ! he hears a sound behind Like a immens Weelbarer a-comin awful I o Abner, fli I & to your speed ad wings ! (frum Milton.) No need to tel him, fur the cus did fli. He cairn soon to a Kiver, (bangs wos hi,) & a-thinkin it mite be Gordon, wos afeerd. a HtteVsercumstans confermed his suspishins. He heerd the Scueke, & a awful rumbHn sound, & afoar bein cuite prepaired, wos buct in. this wos a noo cos for Dissatisfacshun ; So he swum acros the rifs cuite angry-like, But got out so refresht that he maid 2:40 With a ese unparaleld, considerin the straingness ov the kedentry. (al this wile the furis wind kep up 1 awful shrik, a-displayin "abilhty ov no common order ; Darcnes wos a-perspirin ov blac inc ; & the elemens generally wos onfrenly.) Soon anuther unplesent thing cum up. Abner smelt fire ! & a-lookin al around Saw into the frunt (gest rescuin ov hisself,) a HOAL I it smoakd sum, & hed a fire down in ! He smelt Brimstun I's in a wile ! He heerd Mr. Pepper's Eighth Upheaving, 179 Groanin ! He heerd Cussiri ! He lieerd Fites ! He wos a-thinkin ov a-goin away kind ov cairles, Wen a awful deep vois sed — Pich in, Abner I He heerd a rumblin ! Weelbarer cairn up & goind into the entrety I Go in, Abner, It sed, astonisht at his hangin of: & then, cuite axidentel, run agin him. He saw the mistaik wos a-goin to proov faitel, So he braist hisself, & giv a shrik as left the furis Wind seclooded into Ekos ; & a-feUn sertin as a nuther oath Woodent be ap fur to increas the expens, He indulged hisself as he wos a-goin doun. n. b. let us hoap the last Cus wosent notist in the confuzion. MORL IS OBVIS. AN ADVENTURE IN THE DARK. (calculated for the MERIDIAN OF SEVERAL SMALL PLACES.) Tuesday, August 18. ME. EDITOE : — There is not a quieter person in the village than I am : I rarely have an adven- ture, and do not often have the good fortune to be astonished into a new sensation. When I am thus favored, — when I really do have an adventure, — why, all my friends are pretty sure to hear of it, sooner or later. Last night — ■ It is really a wonder I have so commanded myself I Perhaps you'll not believe me, but actually I have not told a single person (nor any married ones) ; hav- ing determined to be strictly impartial, and tell every body at once. An Adventure in the Dark. 181 Last night — I am afraid people will not credit so strange a re- cital : it is rare, nowadays, to find any one who has seen the but stop I let me not anticipate. Last night — I am half a mind, now, to keep it to myself. Yes — no, people will call it an idle tale : yes, I will tell it. It may do some good ; at any rate it will be a relief to me. Last night I had occasion to visit the upper part of the town, and was going up the side-walk, in the direc- tion of a certain liberty-pole. It was quite dark, and the hour was late; so I was obliged to proceed with some caution. Notwithstanding qyqtj care, I ran against a post in front of the Doctor's office, and received such a shock as I don't care to experience again very soon. A little farther on, I damaged my- self by a full length contact with the fence, in my anxiety to avoid posts, and then conckided to avail myself of the guidance it afforded. At the corner by the pole, I had taken my bearings, and was about to strike out for the fence on the next corner, when a shrill, though faint feminine voice called out, as though from a distance : i82 An Adventure in the Dark. ''Hallo-o-o-o!" • I judged, from tlie tone, that the possessor of the voice was not so much in immediate danger, as in some sort of predicament, in the extrication from which she required aid ; but I had not the shghtest idea what direction I should take. " Hallo !" I shouted, in return. " Hallo-o-o-o I" again came from the distance. " All right, it's up the street," I muttered, starting on. I soon discovered I was mistaken. " Don't go^I am up he-e-e-re !" As true as I am writing here, Mr. Editor, it came from the top of the liberty-pole ! " What the d ^1 are you abo-o-o-ut?" I sang out, at the top of my lungs. (I am always a little profane when excited.) " Come up and I'll te-e-e-ell you !" replied the odd- ly-situated female. Eather provoked that she had not sense enough to come down, instead of inviting me up to break down with her — ^yet determined not to yell again, for obvi ous reasons — I commenced the ascent. I reached the " cross-trees " with some difficulty, tut to my surprise found no one there. An Adventure in the Dark. 183 "Hallo !" I barked, a little angrily " Oh ! how you frightened me !" said the female — apparently about twenty feet higher up. " Don't say another word," she went on, " and you shall soon know why I am here." " How do you stick there?" I asked. "Oh! I can't tell," she said, " it astonishes me, too. But I must hurry and tell you why I came here. I've been here at least two hours. I was going by that empty house on the corner, when I thought I saw a light shining under the door. ' Something going on here,' I said to myself; ' this must be looked into.' So I mounted the steps, and had just got my eye well to the key-hole, when the door flew open, and two horrible -looking objects, in black, seized me and ran through to the cellar door. A sort of bluish flame was coming up the stairs, and with it a smell of sul- phur that almost choked me. N"otwithstanding my shrieks and struggles, they hurried me down, and left me, half dead, on the ground or pavement of the cel- lar. When I had a little come to myself, I saw that the sulphurous flame came from a large, circular open- ing in the ground, by the side of which sat a being who I at once knew must be the d ^1 ! ! I canH 184 An Adventure in the Dark. describe him ! To use a common phrase — ' he must be seen to be appreciated.' Black, diaboHcal, terrible, ■^^iie seemed to chain me where I stood, by the very Inagic of his awful eye ! ' Ha I ha ! old woman I' said he, ' have I caught you at last ? — I don't know what to do with you, now I've got you. You'll set all my dominions by the ears, if I take you with me. Al- though you've done me an immense amount of good in this village, I can't make up my mind to think of you as you deserve. I positively can't keep from de- spising you.' " " Eather complimentary, from Am/" I re- marked. " Awful, — awful P'' she replied ; — " but don't inter- rupt me. ' Old woman !' said he, * you can't see me, by day-light ; but many a Sunday morning have I sat on the steps of those temples, in which I am so abused, in order to observe the people as they come in. You should see me skip nimbly aside, at times, to avoid being trampled on ; you should see me follow in some old fool who is soon to become my prey, — some sanctimonious hypocrite, grown grey in his whining habits of mock piety, — ^who has almost in- cluded himself in the list of converts to the belief in An Adventure in the Dark. 185 Hs holiness. At the cliurch up there on the hill, I have been better pleased at one thing, than I have been in all my travels — pretty extensive, too, they have been. Not even in the larger cities, like ISTew York, is spiritual snobbishness carried farther. They come in so laie^ sometimes, I can't contain myself, but skip about those ample steps for joy ; I climb the lightning-rod, and tap softly on the bell, in mock- ery of their tardiness. — Thafs reverence, is it ? — thais Christian regard for propriety, and the feel- ings of your fellow Christians? Aha! were it not for Fashion, and especially for the respect which those pay her who can't even claim acquaintance with her, I think I should despair of quite a large portion of your fellow creatures. (For the real truth is — ^it is not the fashion, except in some out-of-the- way place like this, to be late at church.) — But — I forget myself. I shall try and like you, old wo- man. It does me good to think of all you're doing for me here. The bickerings, jealousies, and general ill-feelings you create, incite, or circulate, — the mighty mountains you continually make of mole-hills — that kind of service saves me a world of trouble. There ! l86 An Adventure in the Dark. I have hored you long enough. You will stand by me, won't you ?" — What could I do but promise him ? I would have done any thing to get away from that horrid place. He let me go. Before I reached the top of the stairs I looked behind, such was my curio- sity, and he had vanished ; the ground was closed up, and all was smooth as before. Yet such was my fright and agitation, I rushed out, and, for safety, scarcely knowing what I did, climbed this pole, on which I have hung ever since." " Got through, have you ?" said I. "Yes," she replied, "and I'd thank you, now, to take me from this horrid pole." " Who are you?" I asked. " I would prefer not to tell you, till you have helped me down ; for I'm afraid my name will prejudice you against me. I may say that I have long resided here — as I find many congenial spirits, and am heartily welcomed to half the homes in town." "I ought to know you," I remarked, " for your voice is familiar enough; but I really don't recog- nise you, and I am resolved not to assist you till An Adventure in the Dark. 187 you make yourself known." I was thus severe, because, from all she had said, I was a little sus- picious of her. "Oh I well," she said, with forced resignation, "if you oblige me, of course I must tell ; for if you leave me here, I shall die — and I have many friends in this village who will weep for me. I belong, sir, to a nu- merous family, mostly daughters. My family name (it is one of great antiquity) is G-ossip. I am some- times called Innuendo (a pretty name, I think), and sometimes. Sneer; but my proper title is Scandal. I—" " You needn't go any further," said I ; " and you wonH^ if I can help it. Good night. Miss, and plea- sant dreams." "With that, I descended, unheeding the dismal howling of the hag (or the assurance that she had something interesting to communicate), and stum- bled along home — ^having run into five trees, two posts, and an old cow, besides filling my hands with slivers from the fence. Whether the "old woman" finally got down of herself, or was blown away in the night, I know not. She wasn't there this morning, and I discovered no i88 An Adventure in the Dark. "mangled remains" at tlie foot of tlie pole. I'll bet you a year's subscription she is ahve and well, and has made twenty calls since daylight. Your fatigued friend, Bored-to-Death, Chief of the Own-no-doggies, MR. PEPPER'S ASTONISHING NINTH. " Our noble Prince is found ! Let the woods with joy resound." — Cinderella. EooM there for Mr. Podd ! Demosthenes Four Corners, May 16. U "ITR. CLARK, EDITOR.— Sir: Although the emotion of joy is yet agitating this mortal Frame, I can at least compose myself sufficiently to inform you that the immor- tal Poet still lives ! My despairing search after the Body was changed into a joyful discovery of the Soul, still in connexion with that body. Just as I was giving up the search in despair, I found him recHning upon the summit of a Shed, in the attitude in which he composed that most affecting of Poems, the ' Address to a Bird on the Fence.' His eyes were closed : G-enus was sleeping. Having with some difficulty attained the elevation alluded to, I Joggled him. Over the next ten minutes, with your permission, I will drop a veil. ***** igo Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth. " Sir : He has suffered. He is now at my home, slowly re- covering from the exhaustion and Misery, which he assures me always follow a Great Effort. "He has even ventured upon another Poem, in which we discover strong traces of his master Hand. I am confident no other Poet — certainly no mere Philosopher — could so clearly explain his subject, and at the same time bathe it so effectually in the Eternal Waters of Genus. The Arcana of Nature are mere trifles to an Intellect like his. " I never shall forget the answer he once gave to the Proposi- tion of a shallow wise Acre. It was so philosophic and so Just. The intelligent Acre said he had no doubt that in digging to- wards the centre of the Earth, we get warmer as we go down. To which Genus (with a face like Stephenses) answered, like an Oracle : ' What makes water the coldest in deep wells ? ' " But my feehngs have carried me too far. I could write on this Theme (I think) a week — having, at stated times, a Meal and a few hours' sleep. "I send the Poem alluded to, warm from Pepper's Brain. " With consideration. Sir, Yours, "P. Pepper Podd." Mr. Clark received that Poem. What did he say — what could he have said of it but this : — " We thought so ! When we saw the moon in echpse pale her ineffectual Ught in the still mirror of the Tappaan-Zee, we Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth. 191 said, 'in'erdly,' 'Surely, surehj Pepper is looking at that pheno- mena ! ' We were right; for here is the proof of it. And what a perfect thing it is, in its way! — what a Torso of a glorious statue of Genus I " — EKLIPS. " Behoald the moon, diminisht into nothin I At I's hese chect, his brite career cut of. I's he wos rejoicin that he wos abel to afoard sech a good artikel ov hte, He bein smal & not yet got his groath. But the praises as wos lavisht onto him Hed the efect fur to onsettel his mind. He thougt ov his rivels as wos gellus, & wos afraid hade git hert ; or wots wers to a sensitiv loominery — squencht. "His wers feers, alas! air sadly realizd. Altho he wood shine, yet we se he cant : in consekens ov a peculer arraingment Al ov his eforts doant doo no good. Wi did Erth Step in so furis, & elbo of ov the trac The sweet moon as hed delited thousans ? Wi? did i say wi? i sed wi. Evidently becos he wos a-burnin too much ile. He wos a-exertin ov hisself in a onnateral maner. Good he expec to shine so alas? Dident Erth no it ? Dus Erth no eny thing ? 192 Mr. Pepper's Astonishing Ninth. lies he administerd a chec onto the occaishun ? Wi did the clowds cum up & complect the seen ? Wi ? Becos al nacher simpathizes. They regelates each uther. Wen 1 goas it too fast fur his helth, thay al resun with him, — 1st mild ; & ef that doant doo no good, then raither stronger, as we se. its supoasd that 2 or 3 sech corecshuns in a year is al as keeps him frum a-maikin a fool ov hisself. " But mi muse she is a-levin. Shese afeerd to trust her Pepper sens the Grait Pome, i expec it ivos raither hard on her, Grugin frum mi oan melancolly sitooashun, Wich is Bad. alas ! Hke unfortoonat Moon, the Pote wos too cairles in the yuse ov his ile. His firewercs wos fine, but too egspensiv : So Nacher steps in, noes G-enus concaiv, & he is presently a agerwaited Hewman Eklips ov the wers kind, sech is the misfortoons ov Genus." PHARAOH : A TALE OF BRICKS. THEEE unhappily exists a widely-extended preju- dice against Pharaoli. He is charged with hav- ing hindered the children of Israel from leaving their lodgings in Egypt on the first of May, thus forcing them, by construction, to stay another year. But how he can have incurred this charge, I cannot conceive, when it is well known that this good king would not lay a straw in their way. True, we are told, and believe, that he refused to let them go : but all hard feelings must melt away when it is known that he was here playing the part of the philanthropist, if the date of the transaction would hardly let him play the Christian. 9 194 Pharaoh. There is a game with cards called Poker, easily to he learned, hut wonderfully fascinating to those who engage in the practice of it. This enticing game was indulged in to a frightful excess hy the younger and even the older Israelites of that day. It is well known that amongst the phraseology peculiar to that game, is found the word ' Go,' which, perverted from its integrity, means to stay^ and stake more money. Now these youthful but sadly profligate Hebrews did nothing, in their leisure hours, but play at poker ; and the suburbs of the city, in which they principally re- sided, would at those times ring with the technical chanting : " I'll GO you three pieces better !" " I'll go you six pieces better !" etc., etc., the sound of which discordant tumult would often reach the ears of the king in his royal palace. Filled with solicitude for the welfare of his beloved people, the good and gene- rous Pharaoh questioned with his prime minister in regard to the best means of suppressing the game, and preventing the ruin of his subjects, speaking as fol- lows: — "I don't want to say. Children of Israel, d — ^n you, you must stop playing Poker! for that would perhaps hurt their feelings, and indeed might end in hurting mine, which you are well aware are . Pharaoh. 195 very tender. What are you forward enough to ad- vise ?" Upon which the prime minister bowed three times to the ground, each time casting a httle dirt on his head (which, having watched his opportunity, he took occasion to wipe carefully off on the skirt of the king's robe), and went on in the following tiresome manner : " Your Royal Highness is aware that your Royal Highness could put an end to those pernicious practices among a portion of your Royal Highness's subjects " " Stop there !" cried the king, with some irritation; " don't ' Royal Highness' me so much : it's annoy- ing !" " Yery well, your Royal " " D — n you!" shouted the now enraged king, " I'll have you drowned in my fish-pond if you say that word again !" "As your Majesty pleases," said the compliant ministei " As I was going on to say, when your Majesty cursed me " "Nor 'Majesty' either," interrupted Pharaoh, get- ting a little unreasonable, which is so very odd in a king. " Well, Sir— you old fool '' 1 96 Pharaoh. '' There, now — go on," said the pacified Monarch. " I think," pursued the minister, "I think " "First /'ve heard of it," said Pharaoh. " It's 50 !" said the minister, being the first record- ed use of that now common expression, of which he was undoubtedly the originator. " Ox at least I was thinking," pursued the conscien- tious minister. "Oh!" was the laconic interjection of the king. " I was thinking you might give out that there was one word in the Egyptian language, to hear which always afflicts you with a species of moral insanity, and " *' "What the d 1 is that ?" cried the profane but otherwise exemplary king. " Oh ! it's something you'll hear enough of, if you Hve long enough !" which was literally true. " Well, go on," said the impatient potentate. "You therefore decree that the obnoxious word shall be no longer used — that word being ' GO.' Now, if you rob a game " " Ketch me !" chuckled Pharaoh, using a popular phrase of the day. " I ain't like the common run of kings : I don't rob. I ' take' though." Pharaoh. 197 " So do I," added the minister. " I was going to say if you take from a game its technical phrases, you destroy it. Think of it, old boy I the abolition of one little word, of two letters, wilL save the twelve tribes of Israel from damnation !" "Eloquent, saucy, and correct," said the king. So the edict was issued; and unjust history records, without comment, that Pharaoh would not let the children of Israel go ! True, those unfortunate children " didn't like it much," as some of them remarked at the time; it was not in human nature for them to like it. But, at the same moment, they could not justly attach much blame to Pharaoh. Their feelings are perhaps sig- nificantly expressed in the following couplet, which, at jovial meetings of the grand-children of Israel, was wont to be given as a toast, and drunk with groans, and other more antique demonstrations of disapproval: " Let the toast ne'er vary, 0, ' Insanity' to Pharaoh I" in which amusing lines many affirm to discover only a playftd allusion to the innocent ruse of the king. 198 Pharaoh. Many other things might be mentioned of our hero ; as, for instance, his having given its name to the neighboring sea, from a bright expression of his little son, then just three years, ten months, and nine days old; who, being taken for the first time near the water, thought he detected a vermilionish shade in it, and in his laconic way cried out ; " Eed I See I" But Pharaoh was not one to be talked about like any common man. "We are apt to insult the shades of great men by " letting on" all we know about them. This is wrong. One other little incident may be mentioned, which, as it wound up Pharaoh, may serve to wind up this sketch of him. Pharaoh, it is well known, was drowned one fine winter, while skating on the Red Sea. He was follow- ing Moses, who had " dared" him ; but being a much " heftier man than what Moses was," unfortunately " went under" at a thin place, at the same going over Jordan; which (what with his skates, etc.) we may imagine to have been rather " a hard road to travel" than otherwise, particularly as that river was not yet frozen over. It is related that Moses went on, un- consciously, for a dozen miles or more, and then, Pharaoh. 199 thinking it was " mighty still behind," turns around, and finding a reason for it, says: "Where's Pha- raoh?" We may fancy the inimitable sly humor which Moses threw into this remark, as he undoubt- edly fancied he had " distanced him," and knew well enough where he was. He had " rather left him." Pharaoh was a good man. Let him requiescat if he wants to, selecting for the locality, C, or any other convenient Eed letter of the alphabet. Si ^ l&l^ S? DECEMBER IN THE COUNTRY. THESE falling flakes, which fill the street— With mud, Cover your cow, which slowly chews Its cud, "With such a coat! — so white, and neat! — In spite of this defence against the dews She must feel cold. She's old: You see it in the horn. That monstrous pig — So big And dirty it can well adorn " No place Hke home " — Trots forward in its known, invisible trail, (How that deep grunt its fat sides shook !) And sways its tail In agony. December in the Country. 20 1 You see How shivering bipeds look, And walk, And talk : And how they swear ! Good gracious ! Bob — see there I Mud two feet deep ! What's in it? Let's take a peep : I've seen it I What news ? Two overshoes 1 MR. PEPPER'S THRILLING LETTER FROM NEW YORK. THE thinness of the poet having become excessive, and, to the affectionate Podd, alarming, that gentleman . reasoned with himself, and finally and munificently concluded to send him to New York, for a change of air; hoping that he would return with health, both of body and mind. Soon after his arrival, he wrote to his benefactor the following letter, giving an account of his varied adventures: "St. Nickolas Hous, New York, Oct, 1855. "Fren Podd: "Deer Feller: Hevin got setteld into mi new corters, i imejitly remember mi oald reverens & Aw fur your karicter, wich is simular to Washingtons oanly you haint hed no clians to fite & develup ^oi;r talens. Youm a partickelerly mute Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. 203 Ham done & a raither ingloris Milton (wich tribyout plees acsept in remembrens ov me.) " altho we New Yorkers doant thine nothin ov it, praps a breef discripshun ov this sitj wood be interestin & instrucktiv 2 a kedentry feller like you. New York is comprised onto a Hand wich is sevral mild long & raither less brod. the prinsipel road is Brod way, besides wich their is as much as 19 or 20 uthers, be the saim moar or less, in varis plaisis is a liburty Poal, oald with aig. this is al i ken thine ov now. so ile giv you discripshun ov mi adventers sens i left your hospital Manshun. "It wos al rite onto the boat, dident you notis how the Captins i's sparkeld wen you introdoost me? So''thay did al the way down, he wos a-complainin ov soar i's wen we got heer. he giv me the 1st chop ov everything, &; i dident hev to pay a red sent. I heerd a lady wisper ' hoos that distingish furrin lookin individooal, a lenin so graisfuUy onto his elbo?' wen she found out, she coodent help fallin into luv imejitly. but as i discuverd her faither wos oanly a aldurman, i very properly looct coald onto her. (besides, how cood i furgit Hanah gane!) wen i wos a-comin of ov the boat, the yung lady stood thayr with her frens, & sed, ' heer cums the red- haird foo-foo agin !' wich wos verry kind ov her, as ime alus angshus to be noan. frum the ' red hair,' & not noin wot 'foo- foo ' ment, I thougt at 1st she wos mad a littel ; but a yung man wich i saw aflerwerds sed 'foo-foo' ment 'german Barren,' & that the germans (espeshelly the Barrens) wairs red hair out ov 204 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. . chois. how strong is womans afechshun ! she doant chaing fur nothin. "How they pull a feUer onto the docks I wen i got of, sum httel Bois cumd a-runnin up, & sed al to I's — 'cary your carpit-bag, mister I' — techt bi sech kindnes, i wos a-givin ov it to 1 ov em wen a nuther 1 sed — ^ ile cary it fur 5 sents ;' 1 moar yeld, with tears into his i's, '4 sents,' & so thaykep a-goin down, a-hunchin ov ech uther, til 1 sed, ' ile cary it fur nothin,' & as i coodent wait fur em to git to payin me fur the chans, i let the last boy hev it, fur wich privelig he seemd moar thankful than i wos to git it dun so cheep, as i wos a-goin to Nickerhocker Offis 1st, i askt a man with a wip wair Brodway wos, & he sed ' 4 mild further on,' & askt me ef ' ide hev a carrig — oanly a doler.' noin i coodent afoard it, i toald him i wos fond ov wockin, wich he sed it wos cuite lucky i wos. after goin 3 or 4 blocs i cum,d to a nice wide road & a L ov a nois. i askt a man wot it wos cald, wich looct at me a spel as ef struc with Astonishmeant, & sed — ' wair did you cum frum, greny ? that's Brodway ' — & then i noo the man with the wip hed ben a-lyin. i wos a-goin bac to lie him, but thougt i woodent. " wen ide got up a littel ways i met a wel drest yung man wich looct egzackly as i looc into a glass : it wos gest as ef a man wocks out & sees hisself a-comin along, i cood se Genus into his i. he notist i wos a-lookin at him, so he cumd up & sed he thougt he noo me. wen i toald him hoo i wos he went into rapchers, & sed he admird me so much he didnt no as hede be abel to expres hisself. he oferd to show me sum sites, Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. 205 BO we went along together, we soon cum to a plais dug out in the side wock wair thay wos a-buildin a cuppel ov uvens-Hke. he sed wede hev wor soon, & them wos to put Bums in, to bio up the British & French, he sed evry hous hed 1 or 2, reddy to tech of. wot a awful plais fur a horstil Army ! i thine i heer somethin go of now — & se about 1000 evacuatin ov the dty. i thine i se a hul Army fall bac ! i thine i heer em cus I & then i thine i doant. " Perty soon we cum to a corner, wen mi fren remarct that a man wonted to se him, a few dears down this street, & toald me to wait fur him. i ges hkely he found his fren, fur i waitid so long that foalks toald me to moov on, or els git mi feet out ov the way ; boath ov wich i finelly did. wen i got to 348 i found i hed to cros the road, & bi giminy ! how the drivers swoar at me ! i cum purty neer gittin run over, too, also ov a- fallin down & a-gittin mi pans derty. wen the Boy giv me mi carpit-bag, wot wos mi serpris to hev him put out his hand & say — cum, mister, hand over that shad-scaU ! ' Sech lyin /' i wos so astonisht i stood putrifide to the spot, i raisd mi bag to strike at him, wen he run of, observin — ^perajps i dident se no boddy a- handlin ov your oald silver watch nor noihin /' — wich alas ! Podd, wosent no goak. it wos gone ! i went up stairs with a hevy Hart, & a teer into mi i. " wen MR. Hewston discuverd hoo wos his visiter, he manifest deep emoshun ; & a-smoothin ov his gray & wite Baird, sed — *this is the prowdest moment ov mi life I' wich i thougt cuite likly. a yung man cald Sly fel onto his nee, & gaisd at me with 2o6 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. speecliles addorashun. ' Sly,' sed mr. Hewston, ' we woant were no moar to-day. mr. Pepper, air you fond ov Appel ? ' wen i replide i wos, he toald mr. Sly to go out & git me 1 : wich roas & went, i found how rite wos his naim, wen he cairn bac. the Appel hed a peese bit out. wen i remarct onto the goodnes ov proffidens in a-maikin ov the Appel, he sed Appel wos good, then he sed the Publishers Assosiashun, hevin herd 1 wos a-comin, wantid me to oner the cristel Palis with mi presens at a Feast ov Anthers, amungst wich i stood so elevatid. ' thayr,' sed he, 'you'll -git lots ov the produckshuns ov the Orcherd, ef you doant git nothin els ;' wich las part he spoak into a melon- colly toan, as i afterwords discuverd he hed resim for. he now giv me a wite card, about 2 foot wide, with ' G. P. P.' roat onto it in ritin, wich evidenly ment — Giv Pepper Plais. eny ways i no it hed that effect. " wile i wos a-settin thayr, hoo shood cum in but mr. Clark. he noo me bi instinc, imejitly, & in a Profetic vols sed — ' i noo as how Graitnes wos heer ! & now how doo you find yourself, o yooth ?' — to wich i replide into mi usooal graisful stile ; after wich we went down & hed Clamb onto the I shel. He sed i must go hoam with him, up the river, & inhail the patriotic air ov Washington's Hed |s, & John Anderson's gallus. no sooner sed than dun. at 3 p. m., wich wos a few ours after, we startid ; & into a incredibel short spais ov time we glided oar the lower part ov the Hudson, & found ourselves ^ way up a hill in Pier- mont, a-standin be4 a Butiful cottig, & a-engoyin a splendid vew ov the river, conseeld bi foor. i aint got time, & it woodent be Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. 207 fair te tell al about wot i saw, & did, & herd, & thougt, &c., but ile oanly remarc, that thay wos so kind it seemd as ef i wos bac to mi deer fren Podd's agin ! 1 thing as hapend next day efec- tid me to teers. wile we wos to dinner, in cum mr. N (wich is a fine man) with 3 red peppers, maid into a bokay, wich he sed his wife sent fur a triboot to Genus, mr. Clark got up & maid a Butiful speech, a-presentin ov em to me, & sot down I's moar to his Lam. i tooc the triboot with emoshun, & wen 1 roas to respon, mi teers run so, i coodent. i never wos so afectid into mi life — & i hoap i never shel be agin, at leest not into the saim way. mi apetite was compleetly spile' t. •' i thine i must rite about seein the Eelicts ov the Revoloo- shun sum futer time : but i cant help spekin ov mr. Folger, the gentelmanly oaner & proprietor ov the ' 76th Hous.' ef his i shood pirseeve this, may it hte onto it with plesoor & a smil : his wifes i also. "i am a-stoppin now at St. Nickolas Hous, becos it sounds so much like Nickerbocker. How different frum mi littel Hous a- fruntin onto the Laikl' altho i git the werth ov mi munny, i shant hev no munny to git the werth ov, ef i stay heer much longer : i shel hev to looc fur a hoam kep bi sum Benevolen femaO, wot gives you cheep vittels. " i went up to cristle Palis amungst the uther anthers, & hed a golly time, severil ov em sed how thay coodent thine ov ritin eny moar boocs, now ide commenst. mr. Briant (a pote) with a wite Baird, sed mi stile wos a long shot ahed ov hissen. he confest mi * Orek Slaiv ' cuite noct the spots of ov his ' Tanny- 2o8 Mr. Pepper's Thrilling Letter. topsy.'' he sed, oald as he wos he ment to beet me yet : but he ca-a-a-nt, you se ; no youst a-tryin. no dout he'll conclood to stic to his Poast, hke a sensibel man, & not tri to fli like Egul. " WAsraNGTON Irving shed teers wen he se me. he sed i re- minded nim ov somnolent Jo, in Pickwic. (wots that, i wunder ?) not to sho mi ignorens, i sed — ' so a grait menny hev toald me ;' wich seemd to pleese him. he sed he wisht he cood go out & drinc with me, but he supoasd hede hev to stay thayr, & droun hisself in the Aquis Elemen. i foun Appel their. Appel wos good. 1 long-windid feller, after hevin a pair ov tin Lungs maid (as i am creditably informd) ^but i must stop, ile tel you moar in mi next. " Yours wile the Vitel Sparc continoos to shine, "K. K Pepper. "To P. Pepper Podd, Esq., "Demosthenes: 4. C." TO VENUS. I T having been remarked, in the presence of Miss , that " Wean-us" was probably the evil star of infants, the justly indignant lady felt it incum- bent on her to issue a Yermillion Edict, commanding from the perpetrator of the unfeeling "joke," a Poem and retraction, on pain of perpetual banishment from her presence. Hastily seizing a pencil, the unfortu- nate youth commenced the following lines, just as the clock was striking seven : — Most lady-like and admirable Venus ! I call upon those worthy " coves" of old — That fifer, Pan, and his rare chum, Silenus, To aid me in a liquid measure, bold ; And I'm resolved the Afflatus sha'n't get cold Till we have hatched a poem up, between us. And let " some angel guide my pencil ;" (stamped — 210 To Venus. "Brookman and Langdon : Ko. 2 :") I'm cramped, But not for thoughts — only for skill to word 'em, They're all mixed up : his Majesty has stirred 'em. These Unes I pen for you ; and if I've blurred 'em. Please to remark : "redudio ad absurdum." I know it seems invidious to select, To other stars — who can "shine," for they prove it; But they forget. Ma'am, the profound respect I feel for you, and what there is to move it. For though you " cast reflections," as they say, And borrow splendor from old Father Sun, I'm sure the old man gladly lends a ray Or two, to such as you ; — and, now I'm on The subject, I may say, in all affection, That you, without this much abused " reflection," Would not be noticed ; even your connexion With some " First Families" were no protection. We're pleased with all your habits, Madame Yenua, And only laugh at this vague Stellar charge. We " view" you, oft ; — ^perhaps you may have seen us, With " naked eye" or telescope so large (How small we must look through the other end I) Admiring your proportions by the hour. We think a deal of you, celestial friend, And learn to hke your odd displays of power. To Venus. 211 When you ''get up," you are our " Morning Star" : And when you don't, our " Evening Star" you are. But, pardon me : I'm too familiar quite ; Allow me one verse more — ^and then, good night. Pale Goddess ! — Empress of the starry host ! Thy gaze serene, it hath a wondrous power : I dream at times thou hast a soul, almost. Thy beam doth so ensanctify the hour. And now, thou star, I could a paean raise, In measure grand, triumphant in its praise ! Sweet monitor : so, when I'm lost in sleep. Thy cold, pure beams upon my senses creep : I deem them rays, tinctured with love and truth, Strayed from the altar of immortal yonth ; They flood my soul with rapturous dreams of bliss, And seal each vision with a shadowy kiss. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. BY A QUONDAM EDITOR. THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT. TITILHELMINA ERNESTINA.— Will the Editor of the ' ' Prime Mover tell me what is to be done with a silly fel- low, who lives opposite us, and does nothing, all day, but sit in his window and stare at me and my sisters ? Is there no way of stopping his impertinence ? A way — and an effectual one — occurs to us at once. Let the sisters persuade their father to remove to some other quarter of the citj, without letting the young man know the new locality. It must be a serious annoyance to our fair (she must be fair) correspondent, and her (perhaps) equally fair sisters, to be bored throughout the whole of every day, in the manner Answers to Correspondents. 213 described. "We presume the young man is the son of wealthy parents ; that he has discovered the secret of living without food or exercise, and that news and knowledge come to him by intuition. We judge this from the described inveteracy of the youth's habits. We have not the right to suggest that Wilhelmina Ernestina and her sisters may look through some others of the (no doubt) numerous windows in their house, or else for a few days absent themselves from their accustomed and (it seems) habitual seats — that the enamored youth may either die of grief, or get the impression that they have gone to the country, and so go to the country too. We say we have not the right to make the above suggestions, because we fancy it would be impertinent. The sisters have doubtless long ago discovered and rejected all our plans in turn,* except, we think, the first — of which we take new oc- casion to remind them. Were we of a violent temper, " sudden and quick in quarrel," and much more to the same effect, we should perhaps have advised our correspondent to procure the assassination of the offender, or resort to some dreadful jdisplay of ven- geance more condign and signal. Doubtless the puU- ing-out of his nails with red hot pincers, would very 214 Answers to Correspondents. soon have occurred to us as extremely suitable — ^but perhaps not, on the whole, so significant as searing his eyeballs with a fiery instrument prepared for that purpose. But we are naturally phlegmatic, and are now very cool ; consequently we do not think a re- sort to these extreme measures quite the thing, how- ever just or beautiful in idea. We cling to our first suggestion ; with a last reference to which, we take our leave of the ladies — not forgetting our best bow and simper. FiTz James Fitz James. — I am an idler, for it is my disposi- tion — my nature, to be lazy. My excuse is, I can afford to be the drone I have described ; and, furthermore, I have an " aim in life," notwithstanding. I am an observer of men (and women) and manners. I am a philosopher ; I intend to be a novelist. I have been engaged making a study of three frights, who live op- posite, and have ogled me, by the half day, for many weeks. They appear to be eaten up with pride and vanity, and are so idle and worthless, not to say unornamental, they must certainly be a burthen, as they are a disgrace, to their parents. It has been their habit, till recently, to divide their attention between me and the passers-by in the street. Every young man, of more than passable appearance — especially if his apparent condition betokens wealth, is subjected to the battery of their glances, and sought to be enticed by their immodest charms. The young (?) Answers to Correspondents. 215 ladies seem at last to despair of any important impression on me, and have come to affect a prudish indignation whenever they catch my admiring gaze. As my studies in that quarter are now complete, I turn them over to you, Mr. Editor, and antici- pate at your hands such a management of their case as shall happily result (to all appearance) in a salutary reform. If Fitz James's description of tlie three (idle) graces be correct, we do not accept his offer to "turn them over " to ns. We should be in a sad case to know what to do with such unproductive property. Our plan is this : — Of course everybody, including every idle young lady, reads the Prime Mover. Let the three graces see Fitz James's letter. It will make them very indignant — perhaps, for a while, furious ; but it will do them^ood. They will then see themselves as others see them: a most desirable realization. But if F. J. F. J. has exaggerated his picture in any par- ticular, we warn him of perilous consequences. "We will not interpose to save him — ^he must miserably perish. SORROWS OF AN ORGAN-GRINDER. Dear Mr. Prime Mover : — I am a poor Itahan. The Italians, you are aware, are born in Italy : — Italy — my country 1 — shall I never, &c. 21 6 Answers to Correspondents. Forgive my emotion: I was once, sir, a Duke. I owned an island near Corsica, and was a man of considerable conse- quence. One day my island — ^witli castle, horses, cattle, domes- tics, fowls, wife, park, children, summer-house, servants — in fine, everything I had in the world, sunk in the sea, [which is very deep there ;] and when I came back at night in my boat, [I had been gone since breakfast,] I missed my possessions very much. I had a horse that I perfectly idohzed. I became exceedingly mad. " I will have some of them," I shouted, very loud ; and letting down a rope with a hook at the end, I drew up, at the third haul, the very organ which I now turn for you and my other friends. " It has been my plaything in happier days ; now it shall be my support and solace," I again spoke, [very loud,] to the surrounding sea. I rowed to the main-land quite cheerfully, and commenced my travels. I need not tell you I at last arrived at the Land of the Free, &c., for happily my presence confirms my story, and makes all further proof superfluous. I find, much to my sorrow and grief, [also astonishment,] that the organ is not reverenced in this land as it is in Italy. Oh, Italy ! when shall I see thee ? &c. I find, here, that to guide the delicate ventages of the Organ's sweet-toned stops, is not a dignified and respectable employment. Alas ! where is the taste of America ? in which land I am hailed with indecent familiarity by even pohcemen — whose savage tones, as they hoarsely shout ''move on ! " indicate contempt, and awaken the Italian blood in my Ducal veins. Are Answers to Correspondents. 217 they respectful enough to a Duke, even granting that Duke is in exile, and has lost his possessions? My talented countrymen Bellini, Eossini, Verdi and Doni- zetti^ [most melodious of them all ; you ought to hear me play his Finale to Lucia /] are not understood in this country by the mass of the people. When I interpret their divine melodies, even my sweetest cadences, my most graceful turns, are aU imheeded, unappreciated. A vulgar copper or two is all I get for Rossini! a curse may folio vv Bellini! a contemptuous "get out ! " is ahnost certain to' insult the name of Donizetti. Why is this ? Angelo Paesiello Gorgoni. Sure enougli — why is it? Gokgoni has ground out a pitiable case. "We are afraid the mischief lies deep (probably in the pedal-base) among the organic elements of society. Mankind have many wretched quips and cranks to answer for, and among them are prominent those which are turned at the expense of the organ-grinder. Some organs, we confess it, are intolerable; they are out of tune, and out of place, always. Their tone is squeaky, and their average harmony very inharmo- nious. But (how providential !) there are degrees in organic excellence, or perhaps we should say demerit ; and there are some we tolerate — nay, admire. To 10 21 8 Answers to Correspondents. this latter class we gladly believe Gorgonrs organ belongs. We think no one can reasonably include, in one sweeping denunciation, the whole class of these instruments, since Thalberg has seen fit to play on a French musical contrivance that cannot compare, in tone, with some street organs we have heard, and thus dignified an occupation which before, as Angelo Paesiello intimates, has not been in much repute among us. There may be a " brighter day dawning " for our Ducal correspondent and his fellows — for the common run of whom we sincerely wish better organs, more willing and liberal listeners, and the completest ex- emption from the sneers, taunts, kicks and general injurious and prejudicial treatment of the world. Selah. Mr. PEPPER'S AMAZING ELEVENTH. PEEHAPS it may be doubted by some over-saga- cious critics, whether Mr. Pepper — K. N. Pep- per, Esq. — is really the author of the subjoined great work. I see no other way but 'to let these people go on doubting. If the internal evidence of its authenti- city is not strong enough to satisfy them, I firmly believe that even a sight of the poet himself — swear- ing by a large-sized terrapin — would fail to convince them. Perhaps, in fact^ there is no real foundation for this fancy. I sincerely hope it is hut a fancy. TIRKEL : A POME. DEDEOAIT TO MR. HUESTON INTO 3 PARTS. PART THE 1th. DiBTiNGUiSHT Muse ! your humbel fren stil livs I Throo 1 yeres streem he lies sadly Navvigaited 10 220 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. & not ben swalerd by the bilos. Muse ! He hes ben coald — his clothe ben also wet, His helth verry poor. He hes hed inflooenzy & Alas ! soar throat. Biles hes contin- ued fur to maik pereodikel aperens, & his hart hes ben wel ni broak compleetly. Muse ! your humbel fren wil not complain : The glory ov his acheevments pays liim wel Fur evry thing inflicted onto him. The imortel pome wich gest 1 yeer ago You helpt him fur to rite, wil ever liv, & magnify his naim like telescoaps Wich maiks a grait Werld ov a litle star. o Muse 1 no fire, no wotter, pain in bowls, or even Hanah's Taither cant him stop ; Fur Potry is the spirrits as preserves His Soal frum a-spihn : talk Potry away, & onfortinet Pepper must dri up & Yannish. Ken you, o Muse, then hev the cruelty to hang of like you did be4, & peraps Not cum at al ? hkely you may thine, Becos i dident di wen i sed i wood, ime never a-goin to — wich is a mistaik. i feel this time, o Muse, as ef i coodent Deseev you ef i tride. besids, the goak (Ef youm onfeHn enuf to cal it sech) is raither stall j & wel you no i doant Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 221 Doo nothin twicet alike : beleve me, Muse, this time i di without reserv — to I's. i hev prepaired a loc to send to Hanah, tooc frum the moast conspicyous ov my hair — Shoin how i doant cair now fur loocs, & never did much — but now no moar — alas ! o Muse — as wos so offish about the Weelharer — Good Muse — without wich evry pote hes got A bad coald & cant sing : i talk my oath lie never cum to you fur help agin. Wot doo you doo fur egsersize wen you Aint a-puttin up ov potes fur to rite ? it seems you otto be thankful fur a opper- toonity fur to maik a yung man faimus. Now cum & help me, Muse, doant be a afeerd — Pepper mmt rite the pome — ^he feels his Our Hes cum, & wood be glad ov your assistens : o thine a minit ov the onborn Milions Mi gentle Muse, as '11 be ableeged to you 1 At last youv roas abuv your pregudis — i feel your fire a wormin up mi blud — i kech your breth so sweet & bamy too : Mi preshus Muse ! beleev me yourn til deth ! " Ambishun ! powerful soars ov Goody Nill" So sung the Copper pote with silver toung — (onhappy she, with sech a misabel faither 1) 222 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. How ken you be a-settin pepel up to dooin things wich soon thay find thay cant 1 its perfeckly yousles to deni the charg — & ime hapy to se you aint a-goin to. Fur shaim ! you otto be in beter biznes. You rooind Napolin — a cmart man, Also Ceser, Elick sanders, Mr. Crummel, & 100 uthers into the saim serkel — Al hkly men til you saild in & spilet em. it wos a onwarrantabel Libberty, &cus you fur it I & wen you leev the Hewman Speshy a minit, its oanly fur to insite a Resareckshun into the peesful brest ov sum onfortinet AnimeL i now alood to Tirkel : ded & gon — Wich his story i shel now perseed fur to sing. Fur away, bi shears ov the wild Oshun, Sitooaited about 20 rods frum the wotter, Lay a peesful pond — not larg, not deep, But a fair sise fur a moderat Tirkel. On it wos varis logs, good for to set on Wen the sun shines, & dive of wen Man Cums with stun or dubbel-barild shot gun. Nise tender frogs wos plenty & not shi : Evrything wos faverbel : & heer livd Hapy & contentid fur meny yeers — a Tirkel. He wos the kind cald Mud, becos he never Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 223 Mindid the dirt, but tooc to it wen persood. in cam Contentment he wood set fur days onto a log, a-dreemin in the Son. Ketch Mm a worryin ! wot shood he wory for ? He hed al he cood ete & drinc & wair — (Wich last sounds good, but doant signifi much ; Like haf the comon potry — ^but to perseed :) He wos satisfide he coodent doo no beter. the. sentiment ov Wor he never felt, Consekently wos mild & Lam-like : Peraps his oanly folt al that time wos His not hevin Energy enuf naterallyj & afterwords his not noin wen he wos wel of. the Berds, a-flyin over, wood say to thayrselves : " Hapy, hapy Tirkel I Thayr he sets, esy, With no cair onto his mind, no trubbel Fur to Hv ; wilst we, poor fethered Songsters, Must fli & look sharp wether we wonto or not." His mind rund moastly onto a femail Tirkel Wich hvd into a nuther pond like hisn & hedent no cruel faither fur to order her : Consekently thay wos together moast ov the time, o, hapy wos these 2 inosent Animels ! Like Bobby-lines as wissel al the day — Sweet Tirkel-Flowers, a-bloin side by side ! 224 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. PART THE 2th. (Hark! doo i heer a roar? — ^i heer a roar.) Go stand onto the shoar & vew grait Oshun ! Se the ships, skooners, & morfodite Brigs Wich carry such imens cuantitys ov every thing in varis direckshuns oar his boosum ! Se em leev the inteligent Shoars ov germeny Also ov ireland, Liverpool, Frans, afriky, A-caryin ov pepel, iern, wimmen, Umbrels, & salers, with uther things too tegus Fur to menshun : se clowds ov nite obscure sweet Moon, (Wich i I's adrest a pome to — & sed everything :) Behoald Darcnes kech evry 1 bi sirpris, & Ship pichin verry much : waivs roalin bad : in plais wair its 60 or 80 feet deep : Alas I sum a-cryin : captin raither afeerd : Waivs (as i sed be4) a-roalin awful ! I^^Se-Tirkel is cam. " he wocks the botom Like a thing ov Ufe." (frum byro^i.) wot cairs this awful Savig ov the briny Sees Fur eny sech smal maters ? cuite nothin ! Alus cam, he sleeps — dreems — etes minnys — Roams in feroshus mewsings throo the wotters. Wen he gits disgustid with 1 kind ov food, (Wich Se-Tirkels air raither apt fur to doo,) He goas & dyits onto sumthin els Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 225 Cuickly — becos Helth speeks & ses : " Tirkel ! Talk mi advis — he cairful, or youm gonf^ Wich consekently results into Eels & sech. Wen his feerful i gits set onto a Clamb, His inerds is Kegoised with it to I's ; Oister hkewais. nothin escaips his vizzhun : Wich pirsipitaits thq berth ov the yung Wail, the muther bein so confuged bi its glans — & maiks the faither trembil & bring tribyout ov ile. Wots mity Swoard-fish into his hans — wots Se-snaik, Conkerer ov Alegaiter ? Wacks ! Wot ef this mity objeck ses : " ile go ashoar ! " He dus so direckly, a-dispisin ov paspoarts. Wen he apeers abuv the Aquis Elemen, Wot dus he say ? Thees werds with Dignity : " Fairwel, oshun ! fur a few minits, Adoo ! ef i choos fur to talk fresh air, Hoos biznes is it ? Let eny ov these cussid land Animels Sho thayr fais : How i pitty em ef thay doo ! ile sho em how the magisty ov Se-Tirkels Hes got to be observed onto al ocazisns ! i woodent yous no pirsonel egzershuns : o no I ide depend onto mi i entirely ; — ^ide Wither em 1 i wish fur to hev these Egs preservd. thay shel be I & be the Mejum fur fewter Tirkels!" So sayin (& wot cood he ad to sech remarcs ?) He graisfly retirs like the meek-ide fon (frum moor). 10-^ 226 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. & leevs 2 or 3 mild ov the onhapy shoar A-moarnin fur his los. His Magestic tail Waivs a EKgant fairwel to everything, & he is seen a-goin doun like the settin Son, With splender & enthugyastic Aplos. PART THE 3. Ambishun ! remembring wot i sed to you into the 1st part, it wont be nessary to Ashoor you ov mi contemp ; but peraps Youm 2 bizzy a-rooinin ov pepel to go bac — in wich cais cus you, with immens disrespec. Cum forids & looc at sum ov your were I Stand & observ that silen pond thair — Dride up with Sorow almoast into nothin I Sise cum up frekently frum the cuiet mud: A vois moarns & ses, " Alas ! poor Tirkell taik fur away his meloncoly shel — Gether up the trankil inosent clos — & berry em in silens, cuietly. o, he wos al mi fansy panitid him : (frum moor) & he is gon — sweet, luvly Tirkel ! " ^that vois hes stopt — hes dride up like the pond- or wot is left ov boath is verry smal sise. the wind wos a-blowin worm frum the South-est, (it wos the time ov the Yelow feiver), Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 227 & brot the smel ov orangis & afrikens Frum the troppicks cuite fresh & saloobris. the pond ov the Mud-Tirkel wos cam — also His mind, maid trankil bi a good nites rest. Hevin servayd his fechers into the wotter, He adrest ov hisself into these few vsrerds : " TiRKEL 1 wil you taik a wock this fine mornin ? " To wich he repHde with plesyom* : " Sertinly, & much ableeged to you : " wich setteld ov the pint. o, se that graisful Animel a-wockin ! Wot dus he dreem ov ? Hapines, ov coars : A-winkin to the tre-toads as he goas — Wich resolvs fur to serenaid him bi nite, Pirformans to comens a 8 o'clock persisely. Alas ! — ^but Muse keep cuiet fur a few minits. Fait toald him fur to taik the bangs ov Oshun, (Wich he hed been thair, so thougt nothin straing — Bein a admirer ov grait boddys ov wotter :) So he went, wel pleesd with hisself & everything, A-hummin, also a-tryin fur to wissel. then he wocked fur a wile, a-lookin down, Wile WO set a-straddel ov his shel, A-lookin verry Meloncoly, & a-sheddin ov teers. o, ef sum 1 cood hev turnd him around imejitly, wot diferens it wood hev maid ! But noboddy dident — hens the Catastrofy. Sudently Mud-Tirkel cum fur to looc up : 228 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. Wot wos a-hed ? nothin ony a Se-Tirkel : As ef that wosent enuf — wich i raither thine it wos. he stood with Magisty — a-wunderin Wot that Httel cus wos thair, a-cumin. His douts wos soon dispeld bi actool facs. " Wen wos you horn f " sed he, wen " Mud " cum up : "J.-4 you wos ! " sed Mud-Tirkel, with Dignity — Not imejitly pirsevin ov his sise ; " Say that agin 1 " sed he. Mud-Tirkel sed it : & then thay roas & stood onto thayr hind legs. " Arize ! my son — strech evry nerv 1 " (frum wots) then sed Se-Tirkel, a-lookin doun & a-holerin so the uther 1 cood heer ; " o, i ken heer you, verry plain !" sed Mud: & imejitly discuverd he wos smal. With al his egzershuns, wich wos verry grait, He felt he wos a inferor kind ov Tirkel ; so, a-lettin ov hisself doun as esy as he cood, He cast his long & lingerin tail behind (frum gray,) & a-syin deeply, startid fur the pond. in goin bac he stopt fur 1 moar efert, Bein afeerd he hedent dun his best : He sweld so hard his shel begijnd fur to crac — & yet remaind a verry smal Tirkel. " How hard it is fur to swel much wen youv got A shell" he sed, in Considerbel ageny, A-givin away to the preshoor ov his feUngs. Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. 229 He felt bad. lie wos sory he tooc the wock : " Cus him," sed he, " fur a imens Humbug !" (Aloodin to the uther Tirkel). after wich His spirrits forsooc him, & he wos tooc sic. His femail fren did evrything she cood : " Cheer up 1" sed she, 1000 times per day : But no youst — he dident taik no interest. she begund fur to git scairt — & wel she mite — to se him a-sinkin in spirrits & in mind. At last he refewsd fur to hoald no moar Conversashun, & orderd her of ov the premisis. Wich persedings tooc her with serpris : " Mi sweet Tirk-y is a-gittin huffy, aint he ?" sed she, in a afectin vois, cuite sorowful — Wich maid worm wotter ov his isy hart, & cuverd ov his shel with perspirashun : ^^ Fargiv me, luv, & stay — He go miselff sed he : & then onfortinetly went. the settin sun went doun as he went up. He hed prepaird a few remarcs fur hir, Aloodin in onplesant terms to Ambishun — Wich Deth cut short in a onfeUn maner. the tre-toads sung — :but cuite a diferent song : (it wos a Disapointment to em al, Fur thay wosent verry fond ov miner mewsic :) it break the femail Tirkel's hart to heer it : Her Spirrit now hangs round the silen pond 230 Mr. Pepper's Amazing Eleventh. & speeks the werds aloodid to abuv. se Tirkel's egs wos al wosht away in a awful storm as hapend that saim nite ; & he wos finisht bewtfuly hisself, Bi a larg & splendid stroak ov Htenin Wich overtooc him wilst a-huntin fur em. Mi preshus Muse I your Pepper taiks his leef. He wont hev no moar ocaishun fur your servis. His WERO is finisht — ^also his poor Life, Neerly. he thanes you verry much fur al Your kindnes, wich hes bein the maikin ov him. He jaoaps the Warnin wich we se abuv Wont be cuite lost onto the Hewman Speshy — To wich, also to you & mi deer Hanah, i leev mi faim, & say at last : Fairwel I TO THE WORLD. AN ESSAYS- FOUNDED ON SENSE AND DR. CYRUS THOMSON. BY P. PEPPER PODD. THE "World is sometimes called tlie Earth. Some- times we ] ead of the Corners of the Earth : the earth being round has no Corners. The earth is * As it would be a pity, should any part of this valuable paper fail of its due effect, I will do what I can to elucidate it by annexing such portions of the note by which it was origi- nally introduced to the pubhc, as have a particular bearing on the subject. Mr. Podd " was recently much struck with a brief Uterary work entitled 'A irhort Treatise on the County of Onondaga/ and written exclusively by Dr. Thomson, of that county, botanic physician, probably with his left hand tied behind. Mr. 232 To the World. round, as we see : eclipses showing it, through smoked glass, at the proper seasons. The seasons are four, viz. : Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter, — the last being the coldest. People have been frozen to death in this season. Seasoning is used in Victuals. Victuals cannot be eat on a full Stomach. [What say the Gleologists : Bed Sandstone is the oldest Rock in P. reveres the world's Benefactor and Friend, now that he has perused the pamphlet I have mentioned, and in the effusion I annex has, in his humble way (as he modestly says), emulated the classic model afforded in the Doctor's style. Mr. Podd desires me, however, to disclaim for him any hopes of having attained to real excellence, in this composition ; and to say that all he really expects is some slight credit for having called the attention of men to one greater than he, and whom, he thinks, the world should not willingly let die — if herbs and praise can save him. " The Doctor's powerful essay is addressed to a reasonably large and somewhat comprehensive circle of acquaintance; thus : — '' 1st, To the Ladies. " 2d, Mechanics, Farmers, Lakes, Rivers, Mills, Soil, Roots Herbs, Crops, Rocks, G-ravel, Land, Clay, Brick [being a thoroughly-baked one himself], Lime, Plaster, and Salt.' *' Mr. Podd's is addressed simply * To the World.' " \ ■ \ . . . To the World. 233 the world. It is called Eed Sandstone because it is Eed and Sandy. Here we see its advantage over Hair. Hair never being Bed and Sandy at the snme time.] To return to the Stomach : This we could not do if the Stomach was full. FIRST FOR THE STOMACHS. Suppose a Man : This we have a Eight to do. Agree that he has a Stomach : Man being a Digestive Animal. Eeflect that this Stomach may be abused : Not by low Language, but by high Diet. Poor Stummy [which playful Term means Stomach], he gits Sick. Is not here a call for the healer ? No more (at present) for the Stomachs. AGAIN FOR HERBS. The World has places where vegetable Substances grows : These are Plants. Plants : Herbs. The transition is effected in a Minute, because there is no transition to make. Now, suppose an Herb. Agree that it has got into it a Juice : Which stands to Eea- son. Allow a Medicine in the Juice that hits Sto- machs. Grant there is one [or more] Physician with a name that he conceals : This Doctor not only being 234 To the World. " Death on Fits," — to use a playful expression — ^but Attentive to Stomachs. — Marh the effect I He sees the Eelation [a Blood Eelation]. He takes and gits the Medicine out of the Juice. In a commanding method, he says to the Stomach : Git Well I The tone of his Yoice gives tone to the Stomach, and he proposes to Heal all Diseases, at a very low Charge : Considering first the number of Stomachs. Next the World growing such immense quantities of Herbs: Which are for the Healing of the Nations. No more for the Herbs and Stomachs. ODE TO DISEASE. It is important that you should be cured. First, because you can't be endured. Again, people have been known to die : Therefore fly! fly! fly! fly! fly! fly! Disease leave ! No more deceive ! Disease I ring your Nell ! Sick people git well ! git well I Git well ! git well ! git well ! No more for Disease. To the World. 235 A TOAST TO THE LADIES. You are tlie Motherwort, Man Koot, Ladies' Shp- per, Angehca, Archangel, Fern, Queen of the Mea- dow, Ladies' Sorrel, Nanny Bush, Eose Willow, Squaw Weed, Lovage, and Sweet Flag of the World. Ko more for the Ladies. No more for the World. FINIS. PEPPER REDIVIVUS. IHAYE been told that, soon after tlie completion of tlie " Tirkel," a very happy accident prevented the sudden extinction of the fire in Mr. Pepper's breast, and consequent vainless sighing of the world for a few more poems " of the same sort." Having actually resolved on self-destruction, as intimated in his last work, he stood, tall in his desperation and stockings, on the brink of a fearful precipice — a terri- ble illustration of the lengths to which poor human nature may be driven. Swinging his arms with mournful energy, he began, with awful meaning, the well-known couplet : — " One, to begin ; two, to show ; Three, to make ready ; and " Pepper Redivivus. 237 " Four, not to go I" shouted Mr. Podd, wlio that in- stant arrived, in time to complete the thrilling extract and perform (himself being the only instrument) a thrilling extraction : viz., his fiiend from the jaws of Death ! (The best professional dentist in the world would have called for his forceps.) Seizing the des- perate Pepper, he made the glad announcement that old Walters was dead, and Hannah Jane free ! That the terrible revulsion of feeling produced in the poet's breast by this overwhelming news, should have caused him to swoon with joy — who can wonder? He did swoon. About the next thing he did, when he had revived, I should judge to have been some- thing that made the following note and poem possible, even in the natural cause of events : — * North-Demosthenes, Sept. 15, 1857. " Mr. diiARK : i supoas you doant need to be informd that ' i stil liv,' & am part ov the firm ov Pepper & Walters, delers in Domestic Hapines, & sech: ef you doo, heerbi taik notis to that efec : ime a ni naber ov fren Podds, wich livs at the 4 corners. " i raither giv out, in my last pome, that mi Muse hed ben set * Clark says. Pepper's long silence wos a consequence of his " disgust at the temerity of his puny tribe of imitators." I think it belonged to love and happiness. 238 Pepper Redivivus. fre, & coodent be cald on at site fur no moar inspiraslaun : wot may astonish you, i hev roat a littel pome without consultion ov her ; bein a adres to my infant Son, now severil munths & a number ov days oald, & constantly gitin oalder. ef you thine it wil doo to print fur mi frens, & isent entirely behind mi oald stile, plees insert & ablige yours, K. N. Pepper. N. B. : i coodent git it al into 14 hnes (wich maiks a sunnit), so ive roat the rest into proas. SUNNIT TO MI LITTEL SON PETER. * Welcum, sweet cus, to your faither's family-serkel I sech Httel Red republikens as you Wercs revolooshuns every wers, 't is troo. talk your oan faither, now, wich rote the " TirJcel" " Weelbarer,^^ & a few moar sech pomes : youv maid him hapy ; but youv sp'ilt his genus. No moar imortel Wercs 1 but pete, between us, i shel git up a practikel were, on Hoams, With cullerd cuts (youm 1) on evry sheet, ile cal it Pepper's last & graitest Aim, (1 wich i raither thine is hard to beet.) Domestic Hapines shel be the naim : inspird bi Hanah gane, your nateral muther, & roat bi your faither, onles youv got sum uther parrent, wich aint hkely. Peter ! gro up & maik a distinguisht man — ^is the prair ov your luving faither, K. N. Pepper. A WARNING: OE, THE EFFECT OF THE ABOLITION OF CAPITAL PUN-ISHMBNT. *' Here are a few of the unpleasant'st words That ever blotted paper." — Merchant of Venice. " Punster : A quibbler, a low wit." — Walker. I AM melancholy when I think how often time and ingenuitj are wasted, in efforts to distort words from their legitimate meanings and achieve a question- able popularity by the paltry trick of childish plays upon words. All such wretched stuff is foreign to the dignity of established writers. Entertaining these views, how was I pained and grieved, the other day, to receive a note which convinced me there ex- ists a person who finds his happiness in the very pur- suit my taste has condemned! How I pity that 240 A Warning. young man I How glad I am to know (as I liave lately learned) the vice is not so rooted in Ms nature, by the practice of a long life, that it may not in time be extirpated ! In that benevolent hope, I indulge the youth (for he is no more), and consent to the in- evitable disfigurement of this volume, both to please him, and afford the world the startling evidence of his present dreadful condition. It will be seen, that he rarely or never arrives at a good pun (if such an adjective may be coupled with so very common a noun), nor indeed does he seem to aim that way ; but contents himself with wretchedly lack-lustre quibbles and forced conjunctions of similar sounds. Below is his wretched effusion ; but I am not in haste to reach it. — I think he should never die : at least his shade (when he does) should "keep shady" when Dr. Johnson's approaches. (How true it is, that " evil ' communications' corrupt good manners" — and habits ! I have caught myself at last indulging in the pitiful luxury of a pun ! I am consoled by the reflection that it is a very good one, when compared with his, and by the resolution I herewith firmly make, never to attempt another). Indeed, from a horrible discovery I have this day made, I think he A Warning. 241 will never die. He called upon me, and in the course of our brief conversation confessed lie was once guiltv of an act still more criminal than the composing that piece. Then I said, commiserating the poor wretch, " Sir, if you are the Wandering Jew, heaven help you." His brief and melancholy reply was : " I am !" — and sighing deeply, he vanished with a sad grace. "TO TWO TOADS. " PKO-LOG. " Great, full, grateful sound : a nightly payment — though there is no pay meant — ^by my little customers, those cuss'd hum- mers of the pond. I owe them, now ; and soon my Muse shall '0' them. No strange topic to pick up, while those pond,erous tones, seemingly by tons, come forth, and forthwith shake all the air with their ' air' — which has no ' variation,' nor ' shadow of * turn'-ing,' nor shakes,' nor 't(h)riiring harmony. Come here, and hear ! That awful strain is an awful strain on my tympa- num. I should be pleased at the prospect- of being eased : seized by death : deceased — ^without being diseased. Open, pen ! in puny pun-y style, a stylish poem that I owe 'em ; ■which, in its witchery of numbers, may make numbers of others, m-others, br-others, and aU t'others) cut short, by a short cut, these 'winding bouts' in which they are winding about; and as these two 'come to,' let others come too, and 11 242 A Warning. all come to a stand — taking a standee, where they can ' stand easy' (say form into position), safe from interposition. "The Vir* says : " Songsters ! your song stirs my bosom. (Such a stir has your singing effected !) I'm affected — I soon shall ' boo-hoo' some, Not checked by your singing ' affected.' Your ' key' you keep pitched, when you pitch on it ; The reason was ever a mystery : To hold it so, do you keep pitch on it ? — A key were never amiss, tarry. ****** " But, Toads ! — to des-cribe this scribe's raptures, Must take (you must ' take !') two long chapters. Some salve ? — (Oh, that salvo !) — I've wrapped yours About a girl's hand (too long chapped, hers) ; "With the small box I plastered — then pitied her, As the small-pox soon mastered, then pitted her : Thus kin being wholly unfitting her — The skin being hole-y, and fitting her.' " Sweetness could no further go," the author adds, in a quotation. There is no need of it. " Sweetness" has gone quite far enough. Poor Jew I * The Hebrew knows Latin, Mr. PEPPER RE-" PETE" S HIMSELF. NO one can reasonably expect a happy man to be very sentimental. The poet is happy : hence the subjoined great Poem is cheerful in its general tone, and (like the denouement of a novel) very ap- propriately terminates the list of his remarkable achievements. Whether he will ever again court his Muse, is a question which time alone can determine : — PETE: AN AVERIG POME (fUR LENGTH :) DEDECAIT TO L. GALERD CLARK. BY MR. K. N. PEPPER, ESQ. Sing Pete, o Muse ! — ^he bein mi littel Boy — Mi oanly son — with short & strait wite hair, & (at present) the Mezels. wot he wil go into next, peraps you no, but i doant. His culler isent good, & the saim remaro 244 Mr- Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. Wil apli to his apetite. The Doctor ses Pete hes got the moast Mezels he ever see onto a boy. he hkewais ses, gudgin bi the stoc, He'll wip em, & giv em haf to start with. (Wairin i agre with doc, & go him sum better.) Now go it Muse — give us a good 1 on Pete. Paws, strainger, & talk a looc at a Cradel about li yeer ago. wot doo you se into it ? (as the man sed wen he saw the feller a-lookinintoPutoo- rity.) 1st observ that luvly Form, a-rockin ov it. thats Hanah gane, a mild wooman, week as a fool, & thinkin ov Baby, ile bet 50 sents. thairs a wooman, now, a man ken be proud ov. But talk a nuther looc into the littel Cradel I se suthin Red ? thats the present Pete — say 1 day oald ! hees a-yellin. taint much Fur a yel, but as good as moast yung yels. a-smihn kind ov plesent, Hanah settels him, & presently gits him so he doant even grunt. Wot a uncomon luvly thing is a yoothful infant! DrooHn doant spile it, for its pa & ma I its a kind ov Bud — a ignorant Bud — a no-nothin Flour, wich aint no Flour — a inosent Aingel, a-chaingin into a Man & a-gittin cuite smal wilst a-goin throo ! Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. 245 its littel hed is al smooth ; it haint no teth ; its fechers aint worth menshunin, thaym so teanty. different frum dog, it ken se to I's. (Cat doant se wel, long at 1st.) Wot is rich, youm releevd, the very 1st thing, about thayr bein born Dum, &c4th. How the littel cusses wil yel, sumtimes I Petes a good exampel ov the yellin kind. But thats pain in Bowls — Grenuses complaint : i hed it, this mornin, so i thougt ide dL thats wi ime a-ritin this minit. But to return, as the Comeck sed. Taik a nuther vew. | dozen at saim pris (as the man sed wen he giv his boy a Hckin.) Wot do you cal that, a-wiggUn onto the floar ? thairs the Potry ov Moshun, dun up smal. thats Pete, at 6 munths. How he creeps, tho I Few Babys are cmart at 6 munths. its nothin but yel, yel, yel, with moast on em. How different Pete ! Pete incuires. Pete lerns. Wots he a-lookin at now ? a hoal into the carpit He noas it otto be fixt. He almoast ses so. fix it Pete, wile your hand is in. (He Dus it throo Hanah ; heer she cums, with a nedel.) industry & Pete I — wot a site for a faither I the contemplaishun ov Babys at 6 munths is fine* 246 Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. How interestin, to se a littel rip gro ! How Astonishin that Milk is al he wonts ! Wots ham & egs, or sider, or a pipe, to him ? He thincs ov nothin but a-groin. wot a pity Hees got to go throo so much, incloodin Sicnes ! so much a-goin throo him at the saim time. Hanah gane sties to it Pete sed pa as plain as eny body, at 6 munths. His i's wos a kind ov blooish wite at that perid. not a hair onto his hed eny wers. Hanah sed his noas wos exacly like mine, or wil be wen he gits a noas, i replide — At wich Hanah laft moast mewsikel. But to cum agin, as the Collery sed. Looc I's moar, pervidin time aint presin. Wot doo you se now ? as the mise sed to the OwL in a corner ov the G-ardin (the north corner) a angelic Form, under a plum tre, a-hoaldin a Baby. (Pete at 12 munths.) looc twist; 2nd time a good wile, with both i's. aint the Bud a cumin on Grand ? Hanah too is uncommon wel, you se. everything is a-smilin, incloodin the cmal dog. Sorry to trubbel you, but looc gest over-hed. Without a-strainin ov your i'S mucli, youl probbly se Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. 247 A clowd blacker than wot scairt Abner, wen he cut. thats cuttin teth & canker Eash, boath raither haisty. the clowd cums down : you se nothin : but Mity ! how you ken Jieer, tho ! A rip with good lungs stans a good chans. Petes chans is uncomon good. 1st clas. Babys at 12 munths air plesent fur to looc at. thair is sumthin fine in a yeer oald Boy. Hair cums on good ; likewais teth & noas. thay begin for to swel ! sumtims wock 1 thay say ma & pa cuite distinct I thay Doant drool much ; thay ete masht tater : & engoy life pooty cumferbel, considerin. Wot a gurl dus at 1 yeer i doant reely no. ef Pete, now, wos a gurl, i supoas i shood. i doant taik no interist into gurls. But to leev that pint, as the man sed to the Bagnit. TAIK 1 moar looc, as the drowin man sed Wen he cum up fur the 3rd time, thairs a Vew ! (Pete at 18 munths.) Air you struc much ? as the litenin sed to the man. Wot a cus, at a yeer & i, aint he ? oanly 18 munths ! wot a chaing, in 6 ! taik away the Mezels, & wair is his ekal ! How the Mezels spots a boy tho ! How Hanah laft, wen i askt ef Godfrys Corjal wos good 248 Mr. Pepper Re-'' Pete" s Himself. fur the Mezels ! opodildoc maid her agin. i thine 1 tooc sulfer & mola§is, but aint shoor. Pete is pashenitly fond ov Caster ile I Becos i supoas it is sech an egspensive drinc. He raither prefers coald Prest ile. (Worm, with milk : i talk it coald without.) At 18 munths, Baby's air a rich site. With sum atenshun to noas, &c4th, (not moarn a minit in a day, at that,) You ken maik em shine ! thayr conversashun isent wot you may cal instructiv ; but it kind ov melts into a parrens felings, & pleses al but uther parrens, with yung I's — Wich thincs thay aint no grait shaiks after al, Compaird with sum thay v seen. (Hanah herd Missis Jefers say them verry werds to her husban, wen thayd ben a coUin hear, Be4 thayd fairly got to the gait ; thay Hevin 2 or 3 squockers ov thayr oan, i beleev. Youd thine twos i dozen, bi the nois.) Wen thay git a httel oalder thayr kind ov handy about a Hous ; fedin pigs &c4th, fechin wotter, Sphttin kindhn wood, & a duzen uther choars. i shel feel bad the 1st time i wail Pete. 1 reely doant no as i ever ken, hese so pooty. i ges ile let Hanah doo it wen nessary, & tri & keep onto the rite side. But Mr. Pepper Re-" Pete" s Himself. 249 enuf onto that hed, as the man sed wen hede kild his wife. Muse much ableeged. Fairwel. Wot doo you thine ov Pete ? I now dismiss the gifted Pepper : muttering, with an air of mingled confidence and timidity, this vener- able and deprecatory apothegm : — " MALA GRAMMATICA NON VITIAT CHARTAM." 11* A DELIBATION ON STYLE. Emanating from my Antre. AS I grow older — I am so old, now^ I am almost a fool, — my taste for really fine writing grows stronger and stronger. An elegant piece of composi- tion affects me mucli as a fine painting does. I pre- sume, reader, you are impatient to know my ideal of fine writing. I am not only impatient but anxious to lay tliat ideal before you. If you bave tbougbt but little on this subject, you will be amazed at the simplicity of my method of arriving at excellence, and charmed with the ease of attaining to heights quite inaccessible before. To show the wonderful grasp of my own unaided mind, I will now condense, into one sentence, everything in my system that is at all essential. The prime and A Delibation on Style. 251 ultimate desideratum, of him wiio aims at nothing below the mountain-peaks of excellence in style should be the shunning all common features. Thus, he should employ only unhacknied terms ; avoid all idioms ; and preserve, under every phase of subject- matter, a certain dignity, a quiet loftiness of tone, beyond the reach, or indeed comprehension, of medi- ocrity. Let the composition in hand be high-sound- ing in terms, and majestic in its general flow, — and whether you are likely to be understood or not, you may safely count on the admiration and respect of all your readers. Let me elucidate my system. I will suppose the case of an audience assembled to witness some per- formance at the Academy of Music — a delay — and an unexpected speech by a stranger. At the risk of offending you by associating, with excellence, a very uncomplimentary shadow, I will indulge myself in two reports of the affair ; the first, a humble approach to the style I worship, and the other, a re-cast of the subject, in a commoner mould. Among other and more important advantages of my system, you will perceive that, by it, length may be secured — which writers will allow is no slight advantage. 252 A Delibation on Style. FIRST REPORT, " An immense, luctating throng was collocated. All ages and conditions were there commingled; senile sires, and grandames long in drear senes- cence, alternated with unablac- tated infants and the interve- nient growths of humanity. Por a period there was some- thing quite lethargic in the quiet; but ere long the deferring began to commove the people, and ominated a general con- citation — the prognostic and final diagnostic of which was the now frequent allision of hands, opertaneous curses, and streporous, vague shouts with no apparent purpose. The catacoustic results of this re- sounding prolusion were as- tounding ; the reboation by the walls commingling and unsig- nificising the sounds, and dis- tracting as well as deafening the unfortunate being necessi- tated to be a listener. But at last the effect of this popular commotion was manifest. An orgillous, ponderous, englutted, oleaginous, atrabilarous indivi- dual with a cane, took his ope- rose way to the centre of the space before the curtain ; upon which, a seeming prolocutor among the people ejaculated ' Order !' and caused the tumult to subside. The obese stranger possessed rather a plebeian than aristocratic look ; and hie ver- SECOND REPORT. " A regular crowd was jam- med into the Academy. Old foozles, of both sexes, were there — so were squalling brats. In ten minutes from the time the affair was advertised to come oflf, the joHiest row could be confidently looked for. Yellg, hoots, claps, stamps, and groans shook the walls, and stunned everybody. Just in time to save a regular cav- ing-in of the building, a fat, pompous-looking old chap, with a solemn air, a cane, and a dull red face, appeared before the curtain, and waddled to the centre of the stage, — where he stood awhile, puffing and sweating : (like a bud) not yet ready to 'blow.' For a mo- ment his chances of being heard seemed rather slim; but all doubts were soon removed by A Delibation on Style. 253 meil countenance was bathed in that aqueous effusion which usually results from heat and excitement. He at once began indesinently to pour out a cataclysm of incoherent elo- quence, abounding in exple- tives and periphrasis, and ex- hibiting, throughout, a perplex- ing semidiaphaneity of mean- ing. His utterance soon be- came inspissate ; and his wan- derings, in body and mind, be- trayed his familiarity with loxodromics. He seemed en- gaged in a luctation with his emotions. Repeated indiscreet humectations of his whistle had evidently overpowered him. He had begun to hesitate for words, an ill-directed pty- aUsm was suffusing his hirsute appendage, and he was aiding his meaning with frequent grimaces and oeiliads (being threatened with complete ob- mutescence) — when his per- formances became unbearable to the people, who now indulg- ed in the frequent ejaculation, -'Exsiccate !-Exsiccate!' Hiss- es aided the dehortation. A humorous person in the throng denominated him ' that rare plant, the Anemone,' other- wise, the Windflower. They threatened, if he remained, to effect his forcible metathesis, and subject his fleece to inus- tion. One well-versed in phy- siognomy would have discover- ed in his countenance at this the mighty yell of 'Order!' from a pair of brazen lungs, which cry majestically shut down the noisy crowd at once. The fat Unknown commenced his remarks; but it soon be- came fully evident that he was drunk. Nobody could make head or tail of his speech, or give the remotest guess at what he was driving at. His voice grew thicker and thicker; he stumbled awfully, and gave other evidences of being well swizzled — such as making faces, and winking significantly, to aid his meaning. The crowd were soon disgusted. Cries of ' Dry up ! — dry up !' became frequent, and hisses, hoots, shrill noises of various kinds, effectually flabbergasted him. This effect was partly brought about by the apples, oranges, &c., that showered around him — one hit- 254 A Delibation on Style. moment strong indications of intimidation and alarm ; for the expressions of displeasure were now ecumenical. The defoe- dated atmosphere was resonant with the tumult. Projectiles were traversing the whole inte- rior — impinging freely against his person. He now digni- fiedly placed his zoophoric cane under his arm, salaamed with grace, and passed majestically from the field of vision. His stately avolation, conjoined with the simultaneous sibila- tion, afforded a diverting in- stance of the overwhelming power of the popular will. The ponderous quondam declaimer, being stricken in the sinister optic by a flying missile, pro- bably proceeded to negociate for a xerocollyrium." Is comment necessary ? ting him in the left peeper. So, concluding to tortle, he drew himself up, proud but disgust- ed, bowed sarcastically, and dignifiedly cut his lucky. No use trying to stem a crowd. The first thing the greasy vic- tim probably did, after leaving, was to buy a plaster for his bunged eye." L'ENVOI. "Honest Sancho — discreet Sancho — Christian and sincere Sancho, let us leave these phantoms, and go in quest of adven- tures more dignified and substantial." — Don Quixote. " What a case am I in, then, that am neither a good epi- logue, nor cannot insinuate with you in the behalf of a good play !" — As You Like it. GE:^^TLE EEADER:— Since you have foUowed me so far, I take it you are my friend. And I am yours. Believe me, I am not one of those in- sufferable persons who, to speak as a musician, delight to make a tedious solo of that which was expected to be a duet, and have the assurance to term their performance an harmonious conversation. For now the height of my desire is, that you might be with me here, in body, prepared to sustain, to the 256 L'Envoi. full, your part in that friendly chat which I should take the care to set going. I am ready, now, to lay aside, as a thing to be disused, this comic mask, with its exaggerated grin, from behind which I have some- times peeped for a moment, to set you thinking by the apparition of a sober countenance. I would love to listen, with a pleased and serious attention, to all you would kindly say : for the voice of a friend is a pleasant music to me, and is never wearisome. But this may not be. Much against my will, I must alone sustain the burden of this last commu- nion, if there be one ; — on me devolves the duty of reviewing our brief acquaintance, of expressing good wishes for the future, and bidding the final adieux. As we observe, in actual life, that they who are most affected by the nearness of a separation, are the least heartened to make a flourish with their protestations ; so it will become me to cultivate a brevity, in this place, and a manner chastened by subdued emotion, — ■ and not to weary you with prolonged and insincere assurances, or shock your nicer feelings by the display of an un^atural gaiety, '^ It is certain that good Humour do wonderfully heighten Beauty," is a cheerful sentiment found in L'Envoi. 257 Mr. Pips his Diary. Beauty not less of mind, fair reader, tlian person. How may we promote this \" good Humour," so justly valued by Mr. Pips ? Why, in no better way than by the reading of cheer- ful books. If Mr. Pepper and I have made a book of this kind, — if it should happen to have brightened some dull faces, or lightened for the moment a few heavy hearts — why, I cannot say I am sorry we allowed ourselves to write it. I might almost address my associate in the language of the warm-hearted Mrs. Gamp, who, at the termination of some alter- nated funereal labor, exclaims to Mrs. Harris with cordiality : " I hope it won't be long afore we works together, off and on, again." On second thought, it w^ould not be possible to make that classic language apply ; since Mr. Pepper will hardly lend himself again to the schemes of a literary speculator. But there is nothing to prevent me from again skimming the cream off a most prodigious quantity of the " milk of human kindness," and blessing the world with the oleaginous result. Stupid me ! where is my pet figure of the " Museum of Fancies?" You will remember I made a great flourish with it when I bowed you in. But every 258 L'Envoi. one, now and then, " misses his figure." So you have "seen everything," have you? And now, I suppose, you want your money back. " Don't yon wish you may get it!" I see I wrong you: you were but regretting the smallness of the collection. I could easily have made it larger ; but I thought it wise to err on the safer side. Perhaps, so far from being displeased, you have at times half allowed yourself to think it would be a fine recreation to "make such things" yourself. Strangle those fancies, my friend, as fast as they are born. Even the frailest, of the fabrics you admire, were not made without labor : and the artiste had not always a grin on his face. Be thankful you have the heart to laugh at conceits which to him have long outlived their point, if they ever seemed to have one. You " must be going ?" Well, good-bye : — did I hurt you ? Ah ! it has been remarked my grasp is hearty. I see one may be too cordial. Let me wave my hand, and say : Farewell. 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