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THE KING'S CLASSICS UNDER
THE GENERAL EDITORSHIP OF
PROFESSOR GOLLANCZ
THE FALSTAFF LETTERS
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THE FALSTAFF
LETTERS BY JAMES
WHITE
ALEXANDER MORING LIMITED
THE DE LA MORE PRESS
32 GEORGE STREET HANOVER
SQUARE LONDON W 1904
" GOLDEN LADS AND LASSES MUST,
AS CHIMNEY-SWEEPERS, COME TO DUST
JAMES WHITE IS EXTINCT, WITH HIM THESE SUPPERS HAVE LONG
CEASED. HE CARRIED AWAY WITH HIM HALF THE FUN OF THE
WORLD WHEN HE DIED OF MY WORLD AT LEAST."
" JEM WHITE, THERE NEVER WAS HIS LIKE. WE SHALL NEVER
SEE SUCH DAYS AS THOSE IN WHICH JEM FLOURISHED."
"A COPY OF THIS WORK SOLD AT THE ROXBURGH SALE FOR FIVE
GUINEAS. WE HAVE BOTH BEFORE AND SINCE THAT TIME PICKED
IT UP AT STALLS FOR EIGHTEEN PENCE. READER, IF YOU SHALL
EVER LIGHT UPON A COPY IN THE SAME WAY, WE COUNSEL YOU
TO BUY IT. WE ARE DECEIVED IF THERE BE NOT IN IT MUCH
OF THE TRUE SHAKESPEARIAN STUFF."
CHARLES LAMB.
The Present Edition. This edition of the
Original Letters, etc., of Sir John Falstaff has been pre-
pared from the editio prince-ps, published in 1796 :
" Original Letters, etc., of Sir John Falstaff and his
Friends ; now first made public by a gentleman, a
descendant of Dame Quickly, from genuine manu-
scripts which have been in the possession of the Quickly
family near four hundred years. London : printed for
the author; and published by Messrs. G. G. and J.
Robinsons, Paternoster Row; J. Debrett, Piccadilly;
and Murray and Highley, No. 32, Fleet Street." The
Dedication to " Master Samuel Irelande " is in black-
letter. 1
A second edition, or rather an issue of the old
1 ;'. e. Samuel Ireland, Junior, (William Henry Ireland,) the
forger of Shakespeare Manuscripts, then recently exposed by
Edmund (" Edmonde") Malone.
ix
2063808
copies, with a new title-page, appeared in 1797 ; " the
second edition. Dedicated to Master Samuel Irelande."
A reprint of the book was published in 1877, by B.
Robson, 43 Cranbourn Street, Leicester Square, dedi-
cated " to the dear and delightful memory of Charles
Lamb " " this new edition of a book which he loved
to praise." A monograph on the author was prefixed
to the edition. The original frontispiece was not
given. It is now reproduced for the first time.
The Author. James White, Charles Lamb's
schoolfellow and friend, born in 1775, his friend's
junior by a few weeks, entered Christ's Hospital in
1783, and remained at the school till 1790, when he
was transferred to a clerkship in the treasurer's office.
Later on he became a newspaper and advertising agent.
Southey records that when he first saw Lamb, at the
end of 1794 or early in 1795, "his most familiar friend
was White, who held some office at Christ's Hospital,
and continued intimate with him as long as he lived." *
Lamb, Lloyd and White were inseparable in 1798 ;
the two latter at one time lodged together, though
no two men could be imagined more unlike each other.
Lloyd had no drollery in his nature ; White seemed
1 Southey's Life and Correspondence, 1850, vol. vi. Letter
to Edward Moxon, Feb. 2, 1836.
x
to have nothing else. You will easily understand how
Lamb could sympathize with both.
White's friends have left affectionate glimpses of
the charm, buoyancy and goodliness of his character ;
his memory is for ever enshrined in Elia's description
of " that annual feast of chimney sweepers," instituted
by him, and " at which it was his pleasure to officiate
as host and waiter." l In another essay, " On some
Old Actors," Lamb tells a good story of " his merry
friend Jem White " and Dodd the comedian. From
another of White's schoolfellows, John Matthew
Gutch, we learn that he was familiarly called " Sir
John, from his fondness of personating Falstaff ; so
successful was his imitating the character at a masque-
rade that he excited the jealousy of some of the
company present, supposed to be hired actors for the
occasion ; who, with much ill-will, procured a rope
and held it across the room (at the Pantheon in
Oxford Street), and White was obliged to take a leap
over the rope to escape being thrown down." 2
Gutch notes that " White married a daughter of
Faulder, the bookseller, the fortunate purchaser of
the copyright of Paley's works. He died, I think, in
1 Cf. In Praise of Chimney Sweepers.
2 See Memoir, ed. 1877, p. xix.
xi
1822, leaving a widow and three children." But in
1822, the year of Lamb's contribution to The London
Magazine in Praise of Chimney Sweepers, White had
already been dead two years. The notice of his death
is duly recorded in the issue of The Gentleman's
Magazine, May, 1820, as follows :
" March 13. At his house in Burton Crescent,
Mr. James White, Agent of Provincial Newspapers.
He was justly endeared to his friends by the qualities
of his heart and endearments of his mind. He was
the author of an ingenious little work, called " Fal-
stafPs Letters,' published soon after the detection
of Ireland's celebrated Shakespearian forgery."
Charles Lamb and the Falstaff Letters.
" He (i.e. Jem White) and Lamb were joint
authors of the Original Letters of Falstaff " ; so
wrote Southey to Edward Moxon in 1836, and there
can be little doubt that White was not only indebted
to Lamb for his first introduction to Shakespeare's
Henry IV ', but owed to him more than one hint in
the composition of the Letters. The Dedication
and Preface (more especially the imprecation on the
rump of roast pig) are suggestive of the hand of Elia.
Most students of Lamb are inclined to assign these
passages to his pen. " Be that as it may," writes the
last of Lamb's scholarly editors, Mr. E. V. Lucas, " it
is probably true that White's zest in the making of
this book helped towards Lamb's Elizabethan-
izing." l
Lamb's enthusiasm for the Letters may be noted in
his own Letters, and in his efforts to win recognition
for the book. In his letters to Coleridge in 1796 we
find two interesting references :
" White is on the eve of publishing (he took the
hint from Vortigern ^ Original Letters of- Falstaff,
Shallow, etc., a copy you shall have when it comes
out. They are without exception the best imitations
I ever saw."
" White's Letters are near publication ; could you
review 'em, or get 'em reviewed ? Are you not con-
nected with the Critical Review ? His frontispiece is
a good conceit Sir John learning to dance to please
Madam Page, in dress of doublet, etc., from the upper
half, and modern pantaloons, with shoes, etc., of the
eighteenth century, from the lower half ; and the
whole work is full of goodly quips and rare fancies,
* all deftly masqued like hoar antiquity ' much
1 Cf. the Works of Charles Lamb, ed. E. V. Lucas, vol.
>> P- 467-
2 ;'. e. Ireland's pseudo-Shakespearian play.
xiii
superior to Dr. Kenrick's ' Falstaff's Wedding,' l which
you have seen."
Accordingly the following notice appeared in the
Critical Review for June 1797 :
" The humorous characters of Shakespeare have
seldom been successfully imitated. Dr. Kenrick
wrote a play called Falstaff's Wedding, in which he
introduced the merry knight and his companions ;
but the peculiar quaintness of the character was lost
by being sunk in modern wit. The author of the
little work before us has, we think, been somewhat
more successful, and must have given his days and
nights to the study of the language of Falstaff, Dame
Quickly, Slender, etc. His object, indeed, seems
to be, to ridicule the late gross imposture of Norfolk
Street ; and certain it is, that, had these letters been
introduced into the world, prepared in the manner
of the Ireland MSS., the internal evidence would
have spoken more loudly in their favour. But in
whatever esteem they may be held as imitations, they
argue no small portion of humour in the writer, who,
we understand, is a young man, and this his first
1 FalstafFs Wedding ; a comedy ; being a sequel to the second
part of the play of King Henry the 4th, by W. Kenrick, London,
1760 (Preface dated 1766).
attempt. Our extract shall be confined to the
Dedication."
A similar notice appeared in the November issue
of the Monthly Review.
" I hope by this time," Lamb writes to his friend
Manning, " you are prepared to say the Falstaff
Letters are a bundle of the sharpest, queerest, pro-
foundest humours of any these juice-drained latter
times have spawned. I should have advertised you
that the meaning is frequently hard to be got at ; and
so are the future guineas that now lie ripening and
aurifying in the womb of some undiscovered Potosi ;
but dig, dig, dig, dig, Manning ! "
Talfourd, in his " Letters of Charles Lamb, with a
Sketch of his Life " (London, 1837), notes tnat " tne
work was neglected, although Lamb exerted all the
influence he subsequently acquired with more popular
writers to obtain for it favourable notices, as will
be seen from various passages in his letters. He stuck,
however, gallantly by his favourite protege ; and even
when he could little afford to disburse sixpence, he
made a point of buying a copy of the book whenever
he discovered one amidst the refuse of a bookseller's
stall, and would present it to a friend in the hope of
making a convert. He gave me one of these copies
soon after I became acquainted with him, stating that
he had purchased it in the morning for sixpence, and
assuring me I should enjoy a rare treat in the perusal." l
Lamb's Notice in "The Examiner."
Happily, before his death, Jem White had proof of his
friend's unabated enthusiasm for the work ; above the
four asterisks, indicative of his contributions, Lamb
made another final effort to revive interest in the
Letters by a laudatory notice appearing in The Examiner
for September 5, 1819 :
" A copy of this work sold at the Roxburgh sale
for five guineas. We have both before and since that
time picked it up at stalls for eighteenpence. Reader,
if you shall ever light upon a copy in the same way,
we counsel you to buy it. We are deceived if there
be not in it much of the true Shakespearian stuff. We
present you with a few of the Letters, which may
speak for themselves."
******
1 Cf. vol. i. pp. 12, 13.
3 Reprinted by Leigh Hunt, in The Indicator, Jan. 24, 1821.
In his introductory remarks Leigh Hunt pays an affectionate
tribute to White. " Not the least, indeed, of his Shakespearian
qualities was an indifference to fame. He was also, like his
great inspirer, a gentleman." He adds a reference to their boy-
hood at school : " We remember, as he passed through the
cloisters, how we used to admire his handsome appearance, and
unimprovable manner of wearing his new clothes."
xvi
" How say you, reader, do not these inventions
smack of Eastcheap ? Are they not nimble, forgetive,
evasive ? Is not the humour of them elaborate,
cogitabund, farciful ? Carry they not the true image
and superscriptions of the father which begat them ?
Are they not steeped all over in character subtle, pro-
found, unctuous ? Is not here the very effigies of the
Knight ? Could a counterfeit Jack Falstaff come by
these conceits ? Or are you, reader, one who delights to
drench his mirth in tears ? You are, or, peradventure,
have been, a lover ; a ' dismissed bachelor,' perchance,
one that is ' lass-lorn.' Come, then, and weep over
the dying bed of such a one as thyself, weep with us
the death of poor Abraham Slender"
" Should these specimens fail to rouse your curiosity
to see the whole, it may be to your loss, gentle reader,
but it will give small pain to the spirit of him that
wrote this little book ; my fine-tempered friend, J. W.
for not in authorship, or the spirit of authorship,
but from the fullness of a young soul, newly kindling
at the Shakespearian flame, and bursting to be delivered
of a rich exuberance of conceits, I had almost said
kindred with those of the full Shakespearian genius
itself, were these letters dictated. We remember
when the inspiration came upon him ; when the plays
of Henry the Fourth were first put into his hands.
We think at our recommendation he read them, rather
late in life, though still he was but a youth. He may
have forgotten, but we cannot, the pleasant evenings
which ensued at the Boar's Head (as we called our
tavern, though in reality the sign was not that, nor
the street Eastcheap, for that honoured place of resort
has long since passed away) when over our pottle of
Sherris he would talk you nothing but pure Falstaff
the long evenings through. Like his, the wit of J. W.
was deep, recondite, imaginative, full of goodly figures
and fancies. Those evenings have long since passed
away, and nothing comparable to them has come in
their stead, or can come. We have heard the chimes
at midnight."
xviii
PAGE
Dedication xxiii
Preface xxix
I Falstaff to Prince Henry 3
II Falstaff to the Prince 5
III Falstaff to the Prince 10
IV The Bishop of Worcester to his Highness
of Wales 13
V The Prince to Falstaff 16
VI Falstaff to the Prince 18
VII Justice Shallow to Davy 21
VIII To the Right Honourable the Lord Shallow
Davy to Ditto 24
IX Antient Pistol to Sir John 27
X Falstaff to Antient Pistol 29
XI Corporal Nym to Sir John 31
XII Falstaff to Antient Pistol 32
XIII Antient Pistol to Sir John 35
XIV Deposition taken before Master Robert Shal-
low, and Master Slender at Windsor . . 36
XV Antient Pistol and Corporal Nym to Sir John 42
XVI Mrs. Ford to Sir John Falstaff 43
XVII Sir John Falstaff to Mrs. Ford 45
XVIII Falstaff to Brook 47
xix
FACE
XIX Falstaff to Brook 49
XX Mistress Quickly to Sir John Falstaff . . 51
XXI Mistress Quickly to Sir John Falstaff . . 54
XXII Sir John Falstaff to Mistress Ursula . . . 56
XXIII Master Slender to Ann Page 58
XXIV Sir Hugh Evans to Ann Page 62
XXV Ancient Pistol to Master Abram Slender . 65
XXVI Combination of the Windsor Innkeepers . 66
XXVII Sir John to Antient Pistol 68
XXVIII Sir John to Corporal Bardolph 71
XXIX Sir Hugh Evans of the goot town Windsor,
Priest, to Sir John Falstaff, greeting . . 75
XXX Sir John to Corporal Bardolph 79
XXXI Antient Pistol to Sir John Falstaff. ... 83
XXXII Davy to Shallow 86
XXXIII Shallow to Davy 90
XXXIV Davy to Shallow 93
XXXV Captain Fluellin to Mrs. Quickly . ... 97
Notes 103
Index 109
Original Hetters, &c.
OF
SIR JOHN FALSTAFF
AND
HIS FRIENDS;
NOW FIRST MADE PUBLIC BY A GENTLEMAN,
A DESCENDANT OF
DAME QUICKLY,
FROM
GENUINE MANUSCRIPTS
WHICH HAVE BEEN IN THE POSSESSION
OF THE
QUICKLY FAMILY
NEAR FOUR HUNDRED YEARS.
LONDON :
1796
Jtlaster (Samuel Irtlaunbe.
Curtis anfr ^rubitc
|tin0fa)Cn: unto gon it i0 tohatte maner of
menu* there be in thg0 age, toho fceeme theg hot
mankpnlie m0chel 0erbj>, tohan in thegre Unb
0orte tlteg make mocke at treto sc^tnct, tohgch
C0nsi0tetlt for the mxr0t parte, it 0holbe 0eeme,
in the notice0 toe habc idtt us at antiquitie.
'(Ehere be menne, toh0 thinke sconu of pagn0-
takeinQ OHight0 (like you 0r me) toho frxmt the
mgne0 xrf remote tyme bj) bjjnte of togle bo
brjmge forthe to bieto the ptetiou0 golbe anb
the 0ylbere, tohere-in it mag not be farce from
om bi0cottr0e to remarke after tohatte fa0hgone
the mgne0 I here bi0cu00e bo* biffer from mgne0
phg0ic or natural. In a0 moche a0 the0e latter
boe renberre uppe thegre trea0ure0 gettt being
rube, anb (as menne romonlg 0aicn) in the oarre ;
tohereas those mgnes intellectual, abounben in
a sorte of metal, tohgche cometh forthe on-
mgngleb togthe baser matter, anb beargnge en-
graben onne it the marke anb impresse, tohgche
t0 mettne skgtfttl in soche thguges, ani ranbtbe,
bothe notiffe ani assure its authentidtie. ^er-
abbentnre, neebe is I sholbe here fetthe instaunce
from thatte treh) mgne anb rgche bein of poesge
btujge out in these last bags bg that gotxnge
Jpristotogan, anb tohgche to all sounb mgnbes
bib ebibenre a genuine bgrthe. (^ho' there be,
toho stgcke notte to affgrme that the antio^ie
^Botoleg teas noe ober thanne the strgplinge
Chatterton, therein erring.) ^ote thps is a
magne bigressgone from the matter in honbe,
tho' therein 3E stanbe noite almie, habing notable
exemplar in thatte famose SSight of Jlntiquitie,
the Ratine poet 'Bergilius (as ^an Chaucer
'clepeth him argghte, tohom the mintgnge month
of after tgmes mgs-nameth Virgil). <^lsoe if
neebe toere, 5 might here rite the exemplar of
thatte grete (Elerke himself e, of tohom his pttpil
<penser toele affgrmeth thatte he is a " SHell of
(Englishe onbefgleb." <^fter thgs fashgone he
0peaketh. JUtb noto letten ns com* forthtoithe
to the main 0ubjecte of owe bi0ronr0e.
^ho&z rare ggfte0 of Jfortuna to meniu, the
Igghtjmge upon lost rerorbe0, anb the inben-
igone * of clt. habe in thgs our bag been farre
out-bonne bg thatte raw bisrobme bg gxmr0dfe
mabe. ^tll me, curteis Sgrre, toa0 it bg 0pabe
anb by mattocke thatte gott bgb fgnbe these
goobige thgngee ? cHere tho0e shretobe knabe0
caterer0 for gon, to ho bgb fat home a #rabe for
jTtt0tre00e phelia? c 9Tho0e mabbe rogne0 toho
bgb poke agagn0te the 0ntit of a broil Je0terre,
therebg afforbgnge mochc matter of mathema-
tgrale fonne for Jrta0ter fJDattrence ^teme?
Jrlethink0 gou boe call to tife agagne thatte
0toote 0toanne of ^.bonne, toho0e <Songe0 bgb
0otmbe 00 ptea0aunt in the earea of thatte peer-
Ie00e JHagben ^uene anb renotoneb bictrix of
<Spagn, Cti^ab^th. $ote bg the prgce 0ette
upon gottr Iabonr0 bg the tontte0 of the age, it
0holbe 0eeme lamentable matter of facte, hotoe
moche poe0g, anb the prgme phan0ie0 anb
ronreipt0 at toitngnge menne are fallen into
* Inventyone, or discoverie, from the Latin verbe,
invcnio.
xxv
contempt* in these the toorlbis last bages.
JJatheless, Jttaster Irelaunbe, letten us not be
fruitelesslge caste bourn Ullte tgme bothe faste
approche, nag eben nob) is dose at honbe, tohen
the oberchargeb doubes of sceptiigsme muste
incontinent Ige banish before tonbictione's serener
SBelkin, anb (Ebmonbe 0haU in bagne resume
hgs labottres. ^rreste thgnc ejjne tooke backc
atte the gooblue figure of the auntient ^inighte
najje, looke notte cursorge, it is the impresse
of a rghgte benerablc picture traunsmitteb
botonetoarbes thronghe oure house forre foure
honbrebbe geares. .Seest thou notte the antique
rharacteres ggrabeb onne the ^elte ? |ponbttesse
theg boe reflecte a lighte roltaterale nponne thg
derkish manttsrrgptes ; anbe boubtlesse bg a
ttoo-folbe operatgone boe theg coufgrme unto
the toorlbe bg thcgre ebibenre the truth of the
Jfalstaffe ^etteres. ^o conclube ; the matter of
fade (as soe it sholbe seeme) muste be pleasaunt
anb gratefull untoe thee, Jrtaster Irelaunbe, to
knob) thatte in the bages of the Jfifth ^enrg an
ancestor of thgne toas a maker of ^runke ^ose,
or as it is spoken of in these moberne tgmes, a
maker of $Jantaloones.
xxvi
thatte posteritie 0halt get remu-
nerate us far xrare unberiakgnge0 (tohjich are
simgtare) tojjthe a Ipke yont^ont of laub anb
pragse, 1 b0e rommenbe thee xmto thut be0te
fortunes.
feUotD-tabxmrer in the mgnes of
antiquttic, anb mo0te humble serbante
to jcommanbe,
******
PREFACE
OF all the valuable remains of antiquity, the world
has ever especially patronised those, which any ways
tend to develope the characters of men eminent in
their day. The curate's sermons we can subscribe
to from motives of humanity to his widow ; not to
hint at their utility, administered occasionally, as
narcotics. A similar impulse, perhaps a fellow-
feeling, endears us to the author, whose taylor is
importunate. But the familiar papers, and epistolary
tablets, of a man renown'd among his cotemporaries,
famous through succeeding centuries, happy be his
dole, who shall rescue from the Epicurean tooth of
vandal moth accurs'd ! The antiquarian shall ever
present him the right hand of fellowship ; nor less
esteem the yellow colourings ; laid on their nibbled
surface by the kindly hand of time, than the mellow
hues, with which the same friendly touch hath per-
fected some undoubted work of Guido or the Caracci.
I am happy in presenting the world with a series
of most interesting manuscript letters, etc. They
were found by Mrs. Quickly, Landlady of the Boar
Tavern in Eastcheap, in a private drawer, at the left
hand corner of a walnut-tree escrutoire, the property
of Sir John Falstaff, after the good knights death.
At Mrs. Quickly's demise, which happened in August,
1419, they devolved, among other Outlandish papers,
such as leases, title-deeds, etc., to her heiress at law,
an elderly maiden sister ; who, unfortunately for all
the world, and to my individual eternal sorrow and
regret, of all the dishes in the culinary system, was
fond of roast pig.
A curse on her Epicurean guts, that could not be
contented with plain mutton, like the rest of her
ancestors !
Reader, whenever, as journeying onward in thy
epistolary progress, a chasm should occur to interrupt
the chain of events, I beseech thee blame not me, but
curse the rump of roast pig. This maiden-sister, con-
ceive with what pathos I relate it, absolutely made
use of several, no doubt invaluable letters, to shade
the jutting protuberances of that animal from dispro-
portionate excoriation in its circuitous approaches to
the fire.
My friend Mr. ****, decypherer of ancient records,
on shewing him the manuscripts, and communicating
my misfortune, slily hinted at his possession of some
curious yellow papers. However gratified I might
feel at this instance of his friendship, however practic-
able I might conceive it to forge the mere manual
characters, how are the escapes, the bursts of humour,
of Sir John Falstaff to be delineated, his quips, and
his gybes ? No, Sirs, I might as well attempt, (with
every respect to Alchymists, Amalgamators, etc.
Gentlemen, I bow to you) I might as well attempt
to incorporate Solar-essence with Epping-butter.
It may be objected against the authenticity of my
manuscripts, that they do not appear in the proper
garb of their age. To this I answer, that I do not
make them public for the gratification of the virtuoso,
but for the amusement of the whole world ; three-
fourths of whom are too far advanced in life, to com-
mence their studies in the most noble science of
antient orthography. Far be it from me to shrink
from the investigation of the scholar, or the critic.
Gentlemen, my closet is open to you I very respect-
fully entreat your entrance. From your convictions
I anticipate, I already hear, the united commands of
the whole world vibrate in my ear, to bring forward
other manuscripts in my possession ; manuscripts,
which contain many very important traits, and features
of character, in Sir John Falstaff, but lightly touched
upon by Shakspere. What an immense acquisition
to the Theatres !
I had once, indeed, thought of giving them a
dramatic form, for the purpose of communicating
them to the manager of Covent-garden ; but the
splendid taste of the age, incessantly calling on him
for gaudes and shews, the very nature of which must
necessarily arrest his whole attention, I fear'd they
might be laid on the shelf " that Bourn whence no
Traveller returns ; " and thus, with other valuable
writings, be lost to the world. Superadded to this, a
species of delicacy I cannot describe, 'tis nearly allied
to pride, forbad my parting with them unsolicited.
Perhaps a respectful application from the manager,
Mr. Harris, through the medium of Mr. F*** or
any other distinguished performer, might conduce
But really this [is] so delicate a subject, that
It may be asked how they came into my possession ?
I beseech thee, good Mr. Inquisitive, urge not the
question. Of all the occupations subservient to the
views of man, none was ever to me so vituperative, as,
that of a publican. What the street- walker is in the
flesh, that is the publican in the spirit, amenable to
the caprice of ever)' unbridled passion. And yet,
that I should have emigrated from the loins of a
publican, be bred, no, not bred, born and begotten of
a publican ! Whence can the fatality arise ! Reader,
the manuscript came to me by direct inheritance.
Master Quickly, Master Quickly, amid thy daily
roar of subaltern base-born revelry, thou art little
conscious of the illustrious personages that once hon-
oured thy roof l ; of the memorials that yet remain of
their be[long]ing to an estranged branch of thy race.
The names of Falstaff, Hal, Corporal Bardolph, are
strange tothee. I do not marvel: for they have ceased,
Master Quickly, to be on thy score. Yet if thy blood
is not utterly degenerate, if any particle remains to
thee of the dignity of our house, put thy pipe into
thy mouth, and walk sedately with me.
A sage writer remarks, tho' time obliterateth, yet
not relentless in his ravages, he leaveth some slight
traditionary token to sooth the memory of past times.
Shut the door. Thou art now, where Sir John was
wont to solace himself, in the identical Pomegranate. 2
1 The Boar's-head in Eastcheap, now a common pot-house.
2 A room so called in the Boar Tavern, which Sir John was
partial to.
xxxiii c
Doth not the genius of the place silently rebuke thy
pride, that hath taken a flight so far beneath thy
ancestry ?
The Boar's-head, in days of yore the resort of every
quality proper and handsome, to become a rendezvous
for the many-specied scions of the mechanick-stock !
The Pomegranate, ancient receptacle of illustrious
wits, bloods, who " Daff'd the world aside, and bid
it pass," to be choak'd with the seeds of every baser
plant! It is not well By the fat Friar's scalp of
merry Sherwood, it is not well.
Thy grandam, Master Quickly, was a wight, in
whom the culinary attainments of man delighted to
reside. She mingled nectareous sack. Thou art
more. Thou art a pious householder. In the twelfth
hour of the night, when thy cattle, and the stranger,
and the ass, and all that is within thy gate, are
assembled to offer up their orisons, call thou aloud
upon the indignant manes of the departed Knight
confess thy degeneracy promise purgation of his
polluted haunts, and if so his shade will be pacified,
that the merry sackbut shall supersede the clanking
of pewter, throughout the Boar. At such an hour,
if there be any convexity in thy roofs, cxptct thou a
solemn answer.
I have yet a point to settle, and then I leave thee
to the bustle of thy domiciliary degeneration. Thou
hast misused me damnably, Master Quickly. Not
Zeno with all his stoics about him not Job with all
his oxen about him, would bear my wrongs patiently.
Had I blasted the Boar's good name, had I libidinously
approach'd mine hostess, and wound a recheat on thy
brow, thou hadst some shadow of reason ; but to
maltreat a kind, philanthropick, well-disposed gentle-
man, disinterestedly coming forward for the amuse-
ment of the whole world, all his own concerns stag-
nant! Oh ! 'tis very foul and unmannered. I desire
thou wilt go to Mr. Robinson's, and take six copies
of this my publication, paying the full price for each,
individually.
Thou seest, I am incontinently prone to lenity,
even to the very detriment of my fortunes. Canst
thou imagine, that any other writer of my merits,
elaborate, cogitabund, fanciful in the garnishment of
a quaint conceit, and reeking with my disappointments,
would be pacified with so trivial a concession ? I
look'd to have seen a smug, proper gentleman step
from his chair in the Pomegranate, and vote each
member a set of the Knight's adventures. I look'd
I should have received ten pounds ; and, by the
Martyrdom of holy Polycarp, thou hast no more club,
than is compounded of labouring smiths, circumcis'd
Anglo- Hebrews, and revolted apprentices ; such a
farrago of unhous'd Arabs, as Lazarus himself would
have scorn'd consortance with. Oh! thou hast much
misus'd me a' God's name, let the stable be cleansed
to work with Herculean brawn ! To work ! to
work ! to work !
There is a certain description of writers, whose
great volubility of genius cannot stop calmly and
soberly to look behind ever and anon, and gather up
the errors and absurdities of a warm imagination.
No 'tis too mechanical for your picked man of genius.
He blindly pushes forward for the goal, nor ever
even steps aside, unless indeed, Atalanta-like, to catch
at a golden apple. Cervantes seems to have been of
this class ; or he would certainly have never thought
of mounting Dapple on Panza, (I beg Sancho's pardon,
I mean) Panza on Dapple, when the rogue Gynes was
at the same time bestride him a dozen miles distant.
I thank Nature (I think it a blessing) for having
cast me in a more phlegmatic mould. Reader, the
Preface is but short look back. If thou hast caught
me tripping, if I am in aught accountable to thee,
I promise to explain or rectify in my next edition.
ORIGINAL LETTERS
/ Fat staff to Prince Henry
HERE, young gentleman, go you to the Prince.
Robert Shallow, esq. ; hath sent thee a haunch of
Gloucestershire venison, Hal ; with a good commodity
of pippins, carraways, commendations, and remem-
brances. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I tell thee what, Hal, thou
art most damnably down in the withers ; thou art, as
it were, a Prince without weight. An I don't plump
thee out like a Christmas turkey, then am I a rogue.
Oh ! I am sitting on a nest of the most unfledg'd
cuckoos that ever brooded under the wing of hawk.
Thou must know, Hal, I had note of a good hale
recruit or two in this neighbourhood. In other
shape came I not ; look to it, Master Shallow, that in
other shape I depart not. but I know thou art ever
all desire to be admitted a Fellow-Commoner in a
iest. Robert Shallow, esq., judgeth the hamlet of
Cotswold. Doth not the name of Judge horribly
chill thee ?
With Aarons rod in his hand, he hath the white
beard of Moses on his chin. In good-sooth his per-
petual countenance is not unlike what thou wouldst
3
conceit of the momentary one of the lunatic Jew,
when he tumbled God's Tables from the Mount.
He hath a quick busy gait, and a huge soldier-like
beaver, surmounted with a cockade. The valourous
Justice, at the head of some dozen or two domestics
and others, once apprehended a brace of deserters ;
and ever since doth he assume this badge Ha ! ha !
ha!
More of this upright Judge (perpendicular as a
pikeman's weapon, Hal,) anon.
I would dispatch with these Bardolph ; but the
knave's Hands (I cry thee mercy) his Mouth is full,
in preventing desertion among my recruits. An
every liver among them han't stood me in 3 and
40 shilling, then am I a naughty escheator. I tell
thee what, Hal, I'd fight against my conscience for
never a prince in Christendom but thee. Oh! this is
a most damnable cause, and the rogues know it
they'll drink nothing but sack of three and two-pence
a gallon, and I enlist me none but tall puissant fellows
that would quaff me up Fleet-ditch, were it filled with
sack pick'd men, Hal, such as will shake my lord of
York's mitre. I pray thee, sweet lad, make speed
thou shah see glorious deeds !
JOHN FALSTAFF.
4
IIFalstaff to the Prince
HA! ha! ha! support me, Hal! support me! An
I don't quake more than when the luna tick sheriff would
ha' carted me for Newgate, there's nought goodly in
a cup of sack. Oh! I am damnably provided here
Let me pawn as many points in my wind, as dame
Prodigal's whelp Necessity hath impress'd of my
chattels for centinel-service in Mistress Ursula's shop,
and never a stitch on 'em would that Bardolph redeem.
I might overwhelm myself, and rot on the ground.
An there was not a little smack of kind-heartedness
in sugar-candy, God help old Jack ! he might lie in
the glebe for brawn-feed. Here is master Robert
Shallow, with his rod of justice hath done what Sir
Colevile, or the Scotchman Douglas, aye, or young
Harry himself, would have given his ears to atchieve
he hath put me down, Hal. I would to God Cotswold
were in Spain, for there the gentlemen do never
laugh by the Lord, this uncomb'd hemp-stalk doth
breed more convulsive propensities in man, than is in
a whole fry of stricken Finsmen ; and yet it is all un-
wittingly ; though his countenance be as sharp as
5
the tweak of a bully, his wit is as benumbing too.
Here hath been a whoreson murderer brought before
him ; the Elder would enforce my assistance Ha !
ha ! ha ! mine, Hal ! who was never seated on
bench, except indeed at mine hostess's, in the way
of unbuttoning to my vespers after dinner ; and I
would to God every geminy of Nuns in his Majesty's
dominions had my dispossession of the frail creature in
their worship they'd not want for miracle-working I
can assure 'em. Well, Hal, when I look'd the rogue
should be committed for trial, lo ! Robert commanded
he should be immediately hung up by the gills !
'Twas not that Robert was unjust or cruel no.
Robert quak'd at the ferocious furrows on the rogue's
brow. There was a jail at hand ; the rogue was
gyv'd and yet Robert quak'd ha ! ha ! ha ! Master
Silence the Law-giver too savoured shrewdly of dismay
he thought the man might in conscience be hung
Davy might help his good coz. he'd take it upon
nis word Cotswold records had it in point ha ! ha !
ha ! Thou knowest, Hal, it was not for me to crop
the green ears of a goodly joke-harvest I am no
April scythesman with the alacrity of a shrewd
easer I gathered up the errant Gybelings of my
brow, and commended their Worships' quick ad-
6
ministration of justice An if the knave had swung,
what the goodger ! 'Stead of county yeomen on a
base bench, he had his jury of kites and daws to sit on
him, under the sweet canopy of the skies. But Davy,
Davy, Davy, dole'd him a longer life. This many-
specied subaltern of master Shallow's, being advised
of the matter, quickly halted in under the yoke of a
villainous tub of Jew's-bane, a pannier of newly-
stucken hog's-blood, or I'm the impotentest varlet
that ever tilted at lip. Wouldst thou believe it, Hal?
Barabbas was instantly commanded to prison Davy,
and his crimson fry, to Shallow were of more import
than the chariest bona-roba in all Eastcheap to thee,
thou naughty hip-o'-the-hawthorn lover. Oh ! thou
would'st have distill'd most damnably, to hear the
shrill judge and his man, like Judas and the
High-priest, pass busy question and answer upon
the price of blood ! Davy had transported the
reeking mass to Robin Pluck's coiner of puddings
Robin admitted the complexion of the commodity
'twas excellent but Robin thought half a noble a
long shot ha ! ha ! ha ! Master Pluck, let me
counsel thee. An the wrath of Robert Shallow esq.,
be not a commodity of July weather, master Pluck
look to thyself thou wilt be most damnably amerc'd
7
master Pluck, thou wilt be as bare as a drawn goose,
an thou dost not smooth thy ruffled feathers, and com-
pound, master Pluck, thou wilt be doubly amerc'd
Robert Shallow, esquire, hath said it ha ! ha ! ha !
I pray God, Bardolph be not whipt for a whoreson
knave He hath despatched a coop of trodden pullet
for Eastcheap rare living, Hal ! rare sperm for
Sherris ! but the rogue hath not advised master Shal-
low of their march, and Robert hath a most damn-
able yearning bowel toward his company. We must
be chary of their blood, Hal do not thou lead them
into action ere I do come. A plague upon all hurry,
say I. An it had not been for the overweening
hotbloods at York, who did madly join battle ere
valour could arrive to shew itself, I should have been
made a Duke, and now must I tarry till thou art King.
Well, I shall look to be accoutred forth to my dignities,
I can assure thee Some bright emblem to outshine
Courtier-hood a pretty slight model of Dame Venus
in her evening orbit, or the puissant Mars in the
moment of tilting. No little mad-cap shooting star
to twinkle in my portly firmament.
Here is mistress Quickly, mine hostess, doth indite
to me for monies. I am not a walking exchequer
she cannot draw upon my ribs. I would, my sweet
8
Hal, thou'dst send her to one Harry Monmouth, a
sprightly mad wag of some six foot high, who doth
much resort unto the Boar Tavern. He is much my
debtor.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
IlIFalstaff to the Prince
I PR'YTHEE, Hal, lend me thy 'kerchief. An thy
unkindness ha'nt started more salt gouts down my
poor old cheek, than my good rapier hath of blood
from foemen's gashes in 5 and 30 year's service, then
am I a very senseless mummy. I squander away
in drinkings monies belonging to the soldiery ! I do
deny it they have had part the surplus is gone in
charity accuse the parish-officers make them re-
store the whoreson wardens do now put on the
cloaca of supplication at the church doors, intercept-
ing gentlemen for charity, forsooth ! 'Tis a robbery,
a villainous robbery ! to come upon a gentleman
reeking with piety, God's book in his hand ! brim-
full of the sacrament ! Thou knowest, Hal, as I
am but man, I dare in some sort leer at the plate
and pass, but as I have the body and blood of Christ
within me, could I do it ? An I did not make an
oblation of a matter of ten pound after the battle of
Shrewsbury, in humble gratitude for thy safety, Hal,
then am I the veriest transgressor denounced in God's
code. But I'll see them damn'd ere I'll be charitable
again. Let 'em coin the plate let them coin the
holy chalice.
To say that I have not naturalized master Silence,
that I stand not on the debtor side of accounts with
him, would be horribly forgetful and incorrect to
say that he shall see my coinage in the way of honour-
able reimbursement, gentleman-like repayment, would
savour much of honesty, 'tis true, but more (I confess
it, I confess it, Hal) of leasing.
To say that I feel not a kind of tendre for master
Robert Shallow, while he hath sack, beeves, with
emanating bowels towards old Sir John, would be-
speak me the Infidel, the Jew but to confess (saving
a certain respect due to the asseveration of my sweet
Hal) that I love the man Shallow, or the man Silence,
in other shape or degree than as the leech loveth the
temple, much less that I have squandered monies on
these raw bare-brain'd yonkers, fit only to be worn on
bankrupt days by Uncertificated Wits to confess
that I have familiarized my person to their companies,
to the detriment of thy father's affairs, setting the
seemliness of gentlemanhood aside, would be lying in
my throat through the false passage of my mouth,
would render the base pander my tongue worthy
the center of a pewter dish, to be crimp'd with capon,
and engulph'd for a disobedient Jonas.
For thy father's sickness, I am not Esculapius, or I
would prune and restore the old oak but it hath
shed it's acorns, and now comes winter Is not the
progression natural ?
No more of the departed monies, Hal, an thou
lovest me. Wouldst thou rake up the ashes of the
dead ? Nay, an if that's thy humour, then must
Pluto become a child of sight.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
IV The Bishop of Worcester to his
Highness of Wales
IF to do away insinuations of disaffection be as
acceptable to a magnanimous prince, as it is indis-
pensable to the subtle honour of a representative of
Christ Jesus, I shall feel the less compunction in turn-
ing for a moment the current of your Highness's
weighty thoughts ; but they are already here ; they
must flow, my lord, with the channelled blood of the
thousands of unabsolved souls lately sacrificed at the
shrine of the Arch-deceiver Rebellion.
Among the many Lords, Knights, and Esquires,
resorting to Shrewsbury to render oblations for the
issue of this eventful contest, was the knight Sir John
Falstaff. This layman, who accuseth me to your high-
ness of disaffection, hath sullied his name in arms by
defiling the sacred temple of his God. He is excom-
municate; nor can aught, save the toe of the Almighty's
vice-regent, save him from everlasting perdition. My
lord, while other barons and knights, his majesty's
liege-subjects, were making rich oblations and en-
dowments for the maimed soldiery, while the priest-
'3
hood chaunted forth the excellencies of charity, and
the offertory laboured with costly gifts, the solemnities
were suddenly arrested by the clamours of Sir John
Falstaff, and a crew of disorderly retainers, for bread
and wine. The functionaries of the Highest were
blasphemously attacked with gross speech and uncouth
phrase, and the sacred wine riotously and tumult-
uously ravished from their hands. Menaces of your
highness's displeasure were muted from his unclean
lips, and the vassals of the holy Virgin excited
to irreverent demeanour by gesticulations more
seemly to the spontaneous soil of youth, than the
furrowed glebe of age. They were recreantly ex-
pelled, and solemn excommunication pronounced
against this impious man, who had profanely tendered
a copper groat as an oblation, and libidinously drank
with carnal appetite the blood of his Redeemer. If
here, my lord, be room for treason, if the anathema
of the Church weigh too heavily with this contempt
of its jurisdiction, I am content that imputed dis-
affection to my liege fill up the balance.
There is another matter, my lord. Sir John, as I
am well advised, is no purlieuman. By the statute of
his deceased majesty, none is to hunt unpossessed of
certain hereditary lands. This knight hath not the
M
substance of a pace; yet under the cloak of your
highness's sacred name, his hounds unleashed by
swain-motes, are loosed to every demesne. His
soldiers, the curbing yoke of discipline slipped from
their franchised necks, yerk at the imprescript, but
sacred laws of society, and bleed the unredressed
peasantry ; nay, himself standeth not unaccused of
certain enormities. In the ejectment of this unworthy
man, the sacred service of the altar was violated. God
forbid that suspicion should undeservedly call down a
two-fold infamy, and blend sacrilege with impiety ;
but the very precisian, my lord, hath here scope for
liberal conjecture : the silver candlesticks dedicated
to the service of the holy Virgin were stolen. True
the unhallowed theft may be ascribed to other than
the knight or his retainers, for the tainted wether
doth infect the whole flock ; but, my lord, when
Judas betrayed his master, the tumult of his followers
was but a cloak for the All hail !
Your Highness' liege-subject,
WORCESTER.
FThe Prince to Falstaff
AND so, Jack, thou didst piously offer up ten pound
in humble gratitude for my safety Ha ! ha ! ha !
Here is Ned Poins doth protest 'twas much more In
good truth, Percy was a lusty warrior. How long
didst lay, Jack ? Fifteen minutes, as thou say'st, by
Shrewsbury clock. By the mass, a very miser! Thou
should'st have sacrificed fifty times ten pound, and
covered a score rood with thy fat offerings. Had
Hotspur been the minion of the God, farewell Jack !
he had certainly mistaken thee for my grease-pot, yea,
dipped his sword in thy ribs, and sounded a retreat.
I pr'ythee hast ever beheld Satan, where the
Apostle hath placed him a tip-toe on the pinnacle
of the Temple ? not in Judea, Jack. Thou may'st
view him, sans optick, at thy own Jerusalem, Eastcheap,
on mine hostess's tapestry. What say'st thou to a
likeness of him, with me at thy side for a Saviour ?
Not the hoary Roman, whom the Gaul caught by the
chin, could show more ample reverence of beard than
doth the tempter (meaning thee), or more meekness
of carriage (that's myself, Jack), than the tempted.
My lord of Worcester, methinks, hath most ex-
16
cellent characters. See here his letter. By Harry
Percy dead, but he should be a pope. Why he would
rate rebellion, that not a Scot would dare to call us
Bolingbrokes, for very dread of his anathema. Canst
thou not help him to the triple crown, Jack ; thou,
and Bardolph, and Pistol ? a copper groat, marry,
and a pair of silver candlesticks, to bribe my lords
cardinals ha! ha! ha ! Well, Jack, thou art excom-
municate ; and whether the bosom of the church
ever receives thee again, no matter There's nobody,
I believe, cares less than thyself. For his holiness'
toe I pr'ythee hast good pig's trotters with thy
Shallow law-giver ? Which had'st rather muzzle ?
The barefoot is a pleasant pilgrimage to Rome.
Ned Poins doth insist thou art nine pounds nineteen
shillings eight-pence my debtor Why, thou vaunting
Pharisee, what is become of thy ten pound oblation ?
I tell thee what, Jack, Here is my father much sick
I may be a king, heaven knows how soon, perchance
to-night If ever thou dost cloak excess beneath the
name of Harry the Fifth if ever receive bribes to
conceal rebels, (and this thou knowest I am well
advised of) thy look'd-for exaltation shall be on the
gallows of Haman.
Farewell !
17 c
VIFalstaff to the Prince
HA ! ha ! ha ! And dost them think I would not
offer up ten pound for thee ? Yea, a hundred
more But take heed of displeasing in thy sacrifice.
Cain did bring a kid, yea, a firstling upon the altar,
and the blaze ascended not. Abel did gather simple
herbs, penny-royal, Hal, and mustard, a four-penny
matter, and the odour was grateful I had ten pound
for the holy offertory mine ancient Pistol doth know
it but the angel did arrest my hand. Could I go
beyond the word ? The angel which did stretch forth
his finger, lest the good patriarch slay his son.
That Ned Poins hath more colours than a jay, more
abuse than a taught pie, and for wit the cuckow's
dam may be Fool of the Court to him. I lie down at
Shrewsbury out of base fear ! I melt into roods,
and acres, and poles ! I tell thee what, Hal, there's
not a subject in the land hath half my temperance
of valour. Did I not see thee combating the man-
queller, Hotspur ; yea, in peril of subduement ? was
it for me to lose my sweet Hal without a thrust,
having my rapier, my habergeon, my good self about
It
me? I did lie down in the hope of sherking him in the
rib. Four drummers and a fifer did help me to the
ground. Didst thou not mark how I did leer upon
thee from beneath my buckler ? That Poins hath more
scurrility than is in a whole flock of disquieted geese.
For the rebels I did conceal, thou should'st give me
laud. I did think thou wert already encompassed
with more enemies than the resources of man could
prevent overwhelming thee ; yea, that thou wert the
dove on the waters of Ararat, and didst lack resting-
place. Was it for me to heap to thy manifold dis-
quiets ? Was it for me to fret thee with the advice of
more enemies than thou didst already know of ? I
could not take their lives, and therefore did I take
their monies. I did fine them, lest they should
'scape, Hal, thou dost understand me, without chas-
tisement ; yea, I fined them for a punishment. They
did make oath on the point of my sword to be true
men An the rogues foreswore themselves, and joined
the Welchman, let them look to it 'tis no 'peach-
ment of my virtue.
Thou didst conceit me a cherisher of rebellion I
must hang, forsooth, upon conception ! Fie, Hal,
Fie ! Didst thou ever know mother to wean upon
conception ? Fie !
'9
Mine host Shallow doth greet thee well ; he
doth protest " thou art a good backswordsman,
or the young earl's degree would never have been
lowered; the Northumbrians were ever good at
fence."
He doth remember the old duke at tournament,
Hal. Ha ! ha ! ha !
I do purpose entertaining the Justice at Eastcheap
a rare guest, Hal, Justice at mistress Quicldy's ; but
therefore the more welcome. Oh ! he will give thee
the dry laugh till thou art as much disjointed, yea,
as the gates of Gaza. He will be a very Sampson
unto thee He will pluck thee down.
I come, Master Shallow, I come. I am bidden to
supper, Hal. Let me hear of thee, but a' God's
name no more acrimony, an thou lovest
JACK FALSTAFF.
VII Justice Shallow to Davy
How do affairs go ? How do things go on, Davy ?
Are the sheep-stealers taken ? Marry, bid Robin
Bratton look to the deer, and let there be a fall among
the pollards that look to the cleys. We must have a
good prospect, Davy We don't look far enough A
lord should look far I must have a pedigree con-
ceived. Pelt, the tanner, must get some skins ready,
a large skin or two a new lord hath always a new
pedigree. Bid William take the streaked ram from
the ewes, and let the 14 acre headland be thrown
into the park marry, for the red wheat it must not
appear. A sad loss, Davy, but the rutting must have
scope. We must enlarge the deer-field Sir John loves
venison.
I hope, Davy, you comport yourself as becomes the
representative of one of the quorum. I would be
understood, that you keep up your dignity, and carry
your body discreetly, and soberly, and sedately, and
not prabble and drink at common houses. You are
too much given to it, Davy.
It may please his sacred majesty, that I yield up his
gracious commission I say, Davy, 'tis a thing that
possible ; and I could desire and wish, that my
cousin Silence should have a doughty helpmate, one
who knows the laws of the land, and could enforce
his Majesty's most gracious briefs and ordinances.
Your understanding is good, Davy, and you have an
indifferent knowledge in the statutes. I could wish
to see you in better provision ; but indeed you do not
comport yourself with that clean decency I could
desire. Whenever it pleaseth his most gracious
Majesty to call for my help and assistance at the
quorum, I ordinarily dine on slender pottage you
know it, Davy. It preserves me clear and compre-
hensible ; and, o' my conscience, you consume and
devour leeks, and cheese, and fat bacon, in lieu of your
morning hymns and prayers, and ruct at the mouth
and elsewhere, and belch, o' my conscience, as loud
as any Caliver, to the great detriment of every thing
seemly, and in defiance of good rule in society. You
must correct yourself, Davy you must correct
yourself Itis a difficult point in rooting up ancient
habits and customs, but it would not be kindly and
good to make you suddenly great with all your stains
and blotches upon you. No 'tis meet we first grub
up and eradicate the weeds, Davy ; and then the
soil, if indeed it be not too arid, will kindly receive
the germen, the seed, Davy of any thing good and
palatable.
Take my three-cornered beaver, in which I beheld
his last most gracious Majesty crowned, and see if you
can begin to look a little creditable. Marry, are the
Little Johns ploughed, and in proper and soft state
for sowing ? See that it be done, Davy 'tis more
than time it were done. Look to it, Davy.
Bless my heart and soul! 'twere simply a sufficiency
to slay any beast of burthen. A matter of six score
miles in half a score hours ! 'Tis four leagues by the
sixty minutes ! Measure it by ten, Davy, and it
amounts to a point.
VIII To the Right Honourable the
Lord Shallow Davy to Ditto
I WISH your good Worship many blessings. Marry,
I humbly thank your worship for the precepts, and
will, with our holy Mary's help, comport myself as
your Worship was wont, and speak as much as any
he at the quorum.
Clement Perkes, your Worship, was seen in the
park yesternight, when the castle was going twelve.
I humbly think he was knocking your Worship's deer
in the head, and had him secured and put in the stocks,
for the terror of all attempters. He's a great knave,
your Worship ; and I humbly think, with your Worships
leave, of giving him a good whipping. I'm sure if he
was not after the deer, he wanted to kill the old ram ;
for h'as got, marry, ever since he's been in the stocks,
he 'as got, as your Worship was wont to say, a sheep-
biting face.
What your Worship says of the weeds is very just.
I humbly thank your Worship for the beaver. I
humbly suppose, your Worship, it was fellow-mate to
the sun-coloured doublet your Worship was wont to
24
look so well in at the quorum ; tho'f it sits more
rinkled upon your Worship now than it did formerly ;
your Worships belly grows thinner and genteeler.
Your Worship would not think how it sits upon me
it's close as any mail. I've clean left off ructing, your
Worship.
That Clement Perkes has spoken flat burglary of
your Worship. A' says I'm a dog. Your Worship was
wont to say to a saucy malefactor, that his Majesty
was in you, and you in his Majesty good. And a'nt
I in your Worship, and your Worship in me ? A' says
I'm a dog ! I'll have him laid fast, till your Worship
shall come to give directions at the quorum, whether
he shall be hang'd or transported.
Would it please your Worship to give directions
about the ringers ? Ah ! your Worship, they did so
do it ! they drank a whole hogshead of your Worships
ale. William Visor has been of the peal two and
thirty years come Lammas, and I humbly beseech
your Worship he may have a crown above the rest.
The headland fences are all down, and the hens
are very busy at getting your Worship's crop in.
Fourteen acres of seedland's a great matter ; but your
Worship's pullets will thrive against the large Knight
shall accompany your Worship to town. A' loves
capon. Did your Worship mark how a' took all the
wings and thighs 'twixt his finger and thumb, and
put 'em in his great belly, an they had been so many
plumbs ?
Marry, your Worship, Robin has shot two deer for
the pedigrees, as your Worship was pleased to call
'em. Master Pelt has got the skins marry, will your
Worship say, whether they are to be tanned like your
Worship's buckler, or how ? I humbly wait your
Worship's directions in this point.
26
IXAntient Pistol to Sir John
Dated it seems, from Windsor.
SIR KNIGHT, lament be tristful me for Baw-
cockhood is dead extinct the maw of Majesty hath it
engulph'd Kinghood's a thing of nought, a 'scutcheon
damn'd, of blazonry most base. I hold it to my lip,
and from my portly lungs call up Sir ^olus to bid the
Lazar scoul. The King his memories hath grasped
by the heel, and dipp'd in Lethe Or he is mad be-
come ; the cur hath bit him he doth the thing
eschew, that senses most did love.
Thy letter, Knight, in spite of yeoman and base
hounds of Hesperus, which did him circumvent, I
did deliver to the quondam Hal. " The man of mickle
span unto his lovely bully " Thus Antient Pistol
whereon the Fry of Majesty, Herodian worms and
insects damn'd also, which Lucifer doth hatch upon
his morning crown, did mow and chatter like to apes
of Ind. Shall Pistol shoulder'd be, and shall he re-
creant flee before the elbow of base sycophant, and
shall good phrase be bastardis'd ? I will revenges
have, byRowen' and her chalice I will arouse and
woo the Fates, the sisters three concubinage is good
and they shall brooding on my pillow lay in consult
deep, how flint and steel a spark may strike to blow up
pandourship most base My heart's a heart of flint
My forefoot eke's most subtil Why then let fellow-
ship ensue, let heart and hand combine, and let the
web be spun Ulysses baffle all !
Sir John, thy Pistol and thy legate hath been
greeted foul Not Bardolph, filching wight, that
pluck'd the star to deck his nose, when blanketed unto
the welkin's height for chewing baker's roll, where
baker's roll should not be chewn Not Nym, whose
humour was in pillory to stand ycover'd o'er with
gold most potable for Yonker's silver whistle stol'n,
did feel reaction's force like Pistol. Shall goodly
phrase be yclept uncouth, and shall it bandied be like
base Aeolian bladder ? Why then come Rowens
chalice though bitter be the draught, I will avenge
or die.
THINE ANTIENT PISTOL.
XFalstaff to Antient Pistol
MY good Antient, I do condole with thee. The
King hath no more respect unto an embassy, than the
fox hath unto the sex of the goose. I am in myself
greater than a Prince, yea, in my personal right ; and
he doth make me out of myself less than a peasant,
marry, to my personal wrong.
There be more Deys in the court, than there be
seconds in the day I should have displayed my pre-
sents, and then would'st thou have had present audi-
ence. That Hal is become a very Ottoman but be
not thou discomfited We must rally, we must rally,
lads We have been twice trodden down in open
attack, and now to the sap-work. The King doth love
venison We will to Master Shallow's in Gloucester-
shire he hath a deep deer-feld 'tis a county of a
clamorous rut We did borrow his monies by day; but
we must make bold with his bucks by night. They
have horns, good mine Antient, they have horns 'tis
dangerous to meddle with Cuckoldom by day.
I grieve thou wert so sorely dealt with at the Court
I have salves for a bruise, an thou dost need them
salves which I did apply to mine our discolourments.
Thou knowest I was trodden down like sugars for an
export yea, I was made a convenience I was shap'd
into a promontory, which spectators of a subaltern
height did flock to for a sight of passing Majesty
They did ascend and course o'er my belly like pismires,
ants on a mole-hill, save that the compression was
greater. Bat 'twas ever the nature of Man to trample
on fallen greatness 'tis no marvel.
Let Nym be advised of our expedition Corporal
Bardolph and myself will speedily quit Eastcheap,
and rendezvous on the outskirts of Windsor We will
line our shambles with venison, and then, my lads, to
Windsor again Hal shall yet be our own.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
XI Corporal Nym to Sir John
I WILL no more with Pistol rob I do revolt My
fist is struck, and that's the humour on't his phrases
are known on the road. Venison hath mickle sweets
and sweets are luscious things, and luscious things do
fit the maw of Nym ; but thieves do hang, and their
accomplices ; and Nym would hang alone doth the
humour pass ? The Antient is abstruse he robs
not at a word. Travellers ken not his phrase, and
parley is not good on the road ; and that's the
humour on't. I do revolt, but mutiny is quell'd with
grants ; let Pistol utter couthly, and then come fellow-
ship again When speech will not bewray, then
Gloucestershire's the word But, pauca, Nym's a man
of few Sir John, I touch my brow my fist is flat.
NYM.
XIIFalstaff to Antient Pistol
WHAT at spurs, good mine Antient ? and an ad-
venture afoot too! By my troth, I'll no cock-fighting
Pullets, pullets, are your only encounter. We that
do assail are cannibals, indeed ; but Mistress Partlet
is frequent in her travail, and so society shall not lack
sperm.
I pr'ythee let Corporal Nym have his humour ;
thou art a shrewd linguist thou hast ever a throng
of goodly quips and conceits ; yea, more at thy tongues
beck, than he that doth refine from his brain with the
help of the still, Time ; but they are crude, they are
crude, mine Antient they do lack dressing they are
like to an unwrought commodity, which the handi-
craftsman can not utter, until it is shap'd to the
purposes of the consumer.
Here is Bardolph doth protest, 'twas thou who didst
slight him from foot to foot throughout the croud
at the installation : thou had'st robbed with him in
the purlieus of the town, and the knaves did recognise
thy quaintness of phrase ; thy Shibboleth, Antient,
thy Shibboleth. Oh ! 'tis most damn'd to be mark'd
3*
like a tupp'd ewe. A slenderness of heel was indeed
friendly to thy own retreat ; but the Corporal, Heaven
protect his parts ! was compell'd to borrow expedition,
marry, without pledge, and retire into himself like a
hedgehog, that so he might travel with the better ease
on the toes of the town Ha ! ha ! ha ! O' my con-
science, I marvel he blaz'd not like the Phoenix
he had fire and faggot on his side his nose for a
kindle, and his carcase for a fuel ; and both in close
league.
I entreat thee, mine Antient, to lay aside, yea,
altogether reform these fierce sallies of thy tongue,
and rob as a gentleman should do ; by the mass, thou
wilt hang us all thou wilt do it, mine Antient, thou
wilt do it. Rememberest thou not, how the lunatick
Bishop did rate me to the Prince ? An he had ever
taken my good name in vain, but for thy incontinent
flow of gall, then am I the grossest thief afoot. Marry,
I am not the most spare, for indeed I do empty me all
purses, yea be their bottoms as deep as Hell ; but I
do mean in my person, my reins, where there is less
specifick fat than is requisite to the peopling of a dozen
wicks Sack, spirit of burnt sack, doth make the belly
gasconade and swell.
I did purpose being at the rendezvous ere now ; but
33 D
I must tarry here a season longer ; do not thou and
Nym break out again I pr'ythee yield to him, mine
Antient It were a foul thing we should fledge, and
upon 'peachment too !
Farewell !
34
XIIIAntient Pistol to Sir John
Shall paucity of phrase and impotence also,
Curb manhood with the rein ?
And shall it chew the bit ?
Shall mutes and Asian dogs controul the tongue
And shall not man speak free ?
Why then Avernus roar !
Then Rhadamanth' his yawning floodgates ope,
And Rowen' brim her chalice !
W. hy then let icy death seize all,
Tea, upward from the foot unto the lungs,
And then the heart, perdy !
The Nym's a pauper vile I do retort he hath not
utterance to woo his dog to bite at badger I do re-
tort his rest is eadem, the semper eadem he cannot
cull his senses are most barren. Ah ! beeve-mouth'd
bleating Nym ! Ah ! bull-calf old ! I have and I
will hold the pristine tones of Man. The Nym doth
iterate, doth bay the echo with his " humour on't."
And shall he model be ? Then Pistol, bow thy knee
no more to Dagon Sir John, thy Philistine doth flee
Avaunt the flux of fellowship, and solus be the word !
35
XIV Deposition taken before Master
Robert Shallow, and Master Slender
at Windsor
SHALLOW.
Now, good man, what is your business ? What is
the matter that you would desire to disclose ? Marry,
I am of the Commission in the county of Gloucester ;
but if you have anything to depose, that is salutary,
and beneficial, and for the welfare and good of his
most gracious Majesty, I care not : Robert Shallow,
esquire, will take cognizance of it, though in the
county of Berks.
Fellow. May it please your Worship, I'se a goat-
herd ; and I'se a great matter to break. Marry, your
Worship, marry, when his Majesty's life's in danger
from a caitiff- monster, an't it the duty of every honest
subject to stand up and defend ? An't that law ? I
would know that of your Worship.
Shallow. 'Tis among the statutes. 'Tis the duty of
every tall fellow, or he's liable to be 'peach'd upon the
act as an abettor. Proceed, good man 'tis just, very
36
just marry, proceed. Trust me, a comprehensive
fellow, Cousin Abram. Marry, proceed.
Fellow. Being on the return yesternoon to dinner
'twas just about twelve o'clock ; for us poor folk, your
Worship, are hungry before your great-oneyers as
I was coming home, I say, to dinner, for tho' I am but
a simple lodger, mine host Thacker pays Scot and Lot
like a good subject. Does your Worship know him ?
A' sells trotters and Jews'-harps, opposite Gil. Sneke,
the weaver's
Slender. 'Tis a small shot from Ann Page's, Cousin
Shallow Is't not, good youth ?
Fellow. No, your Worship It's hard upon
where
Shallow. Aye, 'tis no matter, 'tis no matter. Marry,
go on briefly, good man.
Fellow. As I was saying, walking mainly on, think-
ing, God wot, what a mite a groat and a half a day is
for seven souls ! For there's my wife Nel, and Martin,
and Nich, and Jerome, and Dorcas, and Ruth it's a
wounded many teeth, and a teasterworth o' corn will
hardly set them all grinding ; and your Worship
knows, that quinces are very windy and griping to
the belly Body o' me, I thought our Jerome would
ha' been scoured
37
Shallow. Stand away further, fellow. By the mass,
a foul varlet. You smell, fellow get ye gone.
Slender. Truly, Cousin
Shallow. O' my conscience, 'tis the arrantest
Foh ! get ye gone, knave ; get ye gone
Slender. Truly, Cousin, our Gloucestershire quince
doth not reek thus Indeed, la, you do him wrong.
Have you no pippins for your children, good youth ?
My cousin could never away with a quince. Your
country hath good pears, too.
Fellow. I h'ant a single one, your Worship ; not
an atomy of any thing, only one quince-tree, as
lonesomely as any yew. As I was saying, our
Jerome
Shallow. Tell me not of your Jeromes and your
Chrysostoms be not so windy be brief Marry, to
the point
Fellow. I humbly beseech your Worship's pardon.
As I was saying, walking mainly on 'twas just in the
nick, where our Dorcas goes to bleach in Datchet.
Does your Worship know the place ? What does I
hear, but a great roaring an it had been any large bull
a neighing ; not a horse, your Worship and the river
bulg'd up and swell'd like any I humbly beseech
your Worship that our Nel have a pension
38
Shallow. Pension ! Why a pension, marry ? 'Ods
liggens ! Know you what you ask, knave ? Marry,
why a pension ?
Fellow. Truly, your Worship, 'twould be very
hard that my family should live upon all quinces for a
disease of mine caught in the King's affairs Truly,
your Worship, 'twould be very hard ; for the water
roll'd and wetted me, and I trembled, and trembled
I'm sure, an' please your Worship, I've an ague.
Shallow. O' my conscience, Cousin Abram, but
the man is a lunatick, or a mountebank, or something
as bad O' my conscience, I believe a mountebank ;
for indeed he moves from place to place and varies his
points very knavishly. Look you, friend there is
only one alternative shall serve ; marry, chuse ; and
do it deliberately, and discreetly, and soberly either
depose in a respectful manner, marry, without idle
prabble about pensions, and quinces, and bulls; either
utter with a proper and decent carriage and demean-
our, or else walk sedately out into the court-yard, and
pull off your doublet, and your shirt, and your coat.
An a shrewd flogging don't bring him about
Fellow. Oh! good your Worship, I've almost done
When the water swell'd and swell'd, I perceived
about a hundred paces a-head, a large creature rise up,
39
mainly big, your Worship, about the belly, and it came
slowly to the bank, an if it would land ; and just then
it roll'd over, and over, and over, of all the world
like a huge tub, and then it so beat about and roar'd
in the throttle ! An' your Worship will give me
leave, I'll try to
Shallow. Marry, go on proceed circumstantially
go on what saw you more ? Depose briefly.
Fellow. When a' had floundered, and flounc'd
about some five minutes under water, a' got on the
land, and stood on its legs, and drew a great dagger
and lifted in the air, and so shook it's weapon at the
castle, and roar'd ! Good your Worship, I'm certain
it hath a foul design against the King's life that I'll
be sworn of upon the book.
Slender. I protest, Cousin, the
Shallow. In the name of his Majesty's sacred person,
I command and bind you to answer all interrogatories
afore the Council Here is a great conspiracy come to
Hght.
Slender. Truly, Cousin, I
Shallow. Marry, it had the gait of a warrior I
would mean, it shewed a tall personable figure, did
it not ? Betook it to the water again ? And for its
complexion marry, you observed its countenance ?
40
Fellow. An your Worship means the hue of its skin,
truly it had a doublet and hose on : but the face was
all the world of a colour with the bubucle at the left
of your Worship's nose.
Slender. By yea and no, Coz
Shallow. 'Tis the Welchman Glendower, by my
hopes of salvation through the pious and holy Virgin
Mary! The Privy Council must know it. Here is a
great conspiracy I'll to the Council.
Fellow. Marry, your Worship, sure a' was not a
salamander ! The water smoak'd and smoak'd, that,
body o' me, you might ha' poach'd an egg !
Shallow. 'Tis Owen the Welchman, a very doughty
rebel Fellow, be in readiness you must depose at
the Council By the mass, a great traitor. Be at
hand.
Fellow. I humbly beseech your Worship that our
Nel
Shallow. Aye, aye be in readiness she shall be
look'd to.
XV Antient Pistol and Corporal
Nym to Sir John
Pistol, lament Sir Nym, the willow be,
And hang o'er Datchet's side ;
For chivalry is in, and unto Charon damn'd
Must, crouching, tender coin.
Pistol hath wrongs ; but Pistol eke hath pouch.
Sir Nym hath humours borne ; but Nym will pocket too.
Why then cast rancour forth ; yea, into utter night,
And let it gnash the tooth.
Sir John, arise thy knighthood is defam'd
At thee the Shallow ass and Slender foal do bray.
Thou art the mark of archery become
To Council wags oh ! damned Gloucester beasts,
That will not wince, when hinds do ride and spur !
We do inclose what goatherd hath depos'd.
The quip's afoot, and quips do amble fast.
Arise, Sir Knight, or Paeans will ensue ;
Yea, from the mouth of ballad-teeming harridans.
Pistol hath wrongs ; but he doth caution thee,
The River and the Ford also to flee.
Nym will have right ere he do say, avoid
But Scylla's deep, and that's the humour on't.
ANTIENT PISTOL,
CORPORAL NYM.
XVI Mrs. Ford to Sir John Falstaff
AH ! dear Sir John ! I tremble to think what you
have suffered. Tell me, has the wittolly wretch dis-
coloured your poor stomach ? But, alas ! I'm too
certain of it I felt it all, every blow; no wonder he
put you into such a territ and fright Mercy on me,
how shrewdly he handled his weapon !
Well, I always will say the stars were of a mouse-
colour when you were born. Think, if you had been
let into the Thames directly upon this exercise In-
deed, la', I won't call it beating all melting with heat
for, indeed, Sir John, I never beheld you run so
nimbly bruised, and frighted, as you were ! Mercy
on me, 'twould have been your death, quite a surfeit !
Yes, your stars are certainly of a mouse-colour ;
they are neither black nor white
Ah ! dear Sir John ! you little know the
but let the end speak. Well ; to think of the tears
that your mischances have cost me ! Heigho !
Beshrew my weak head, but I dreamt all last night
of horns. Oh ! I beheld a great calf fastened to a
stake, and he was baited, of all things in the world,
43
by such a sweet portly boar-pig, so plump and so sweet !
And he was so gored and tossed as often as ever he
came into the ring, (indeed, Sir John, it's ominous
you shan't enter my house again) that it quite sunk
my heart within me. La', and it was so whimsical !
for in caper'd a pretty youngish gentleman, and he
danced and played upon his kit round and round the
calf, till he stood quite dumfound ; and presently
there shot out of his head large horns, and soon they
grew larger, and larger, and larger, and spread, and
spread, till they looked of all the world like Herne's
Oak; and we all danced about him so merry, that it was
quite whimsical. La', Sir John, you shall meet me at
the Oak, and we'll have a revel there, and I'll directly
send Dr. Caius to cure your poor bruises. I will be
humoured in this a poor weak woman, that hazards
her reputation for your sake, and not to be pleased in
such a trifle ! Indeed, now, I will not be refused.
Dr. Caius shall immediately come to cure your knocks
and bruises, and then it will be so pure to dance at
midnight round the Oak ! La' now, indeed, it will.
In this I rest,
Your loving,
ALICE FORD.
44
XVII Sir John Falstaff to Mrs. Ford
I'LL caper I'll dance with thee. Anything, any-
thing, my Queen of Sheba, but no Doctor Caius. In-
deed, my hurts are not of that extent No I have
a surgeon of my own employ too No, I'll not see
him. Can I live to hear it bandied from mouth to
mouth, that the Knight Falstaff, he who hath nightly
taken his repose under the arch of more soldierlike
bruises than the spirit of the holy Stephen fled upon,
that he hath foregone his days of hardihood, and com-
menced glyster in the hands of a dole-dealing Escala-
pian ? Name it not : rather hang me by the gills
on Mistress Keech's stilliards, and mete me out by
halfp'worths to the parish poor. No ; I'll no Caius.
What, I'm to meet thee at Herne's Oak ? Well, I'll
be a Nimrod I'll personate any thing to encounter
my fair Camilla ; any thing, save an eunuch and a
wode-woman. I would, Mistress Ford, I might have
dealt him a fillip on the crown. I have one bruise
larger than a porter's shoulder-knot 'tis on my
cheek, I cannot sit, my nether cheek ; for, indeed, I
lack'd the habiliments of a woman I was sparely
45
coated. But I had determined to forget this Yea,
I'll forget it 'tis laudable in Man to be passive.
Shall I order my horses ? 'Twere best be fleet,
should the knave find us again. There is a pond at
hand, and I would be loth to reign over a subaltern
province : no an I am born to be deified, an I must
needs be a God of the waters, let me be immersed on
the point of a whaler's harpoon give me to preside
in Greenland, my natal soil. Ha ! ha ! ha !
Thou seest, Mistress Ford, I am incontinently given
to merriment, in despite of the fiery ordeals my flesh
and blood have undergone. But I love thee, I love
thee, and there is much endurance in affection.
Let me have advice of thy appointments with Herne
I will attend thee with the precision of the dial,
the dial of the night, which is Mistress Luna, the
moon, unto his Oak
And there we'll wanton caper on the plain,
And weave for Herne a horn to wind again.
Farewell, fair Mistress Ford ; and remember, I'll
no Leech Caius applied to me.
46
XVIII Falsfaff to Brook
COULD a gentleman foresee the many crosses, the
many mishaps, that await him that simply treadeth
within the sphere of a woman's habitation, (I speak
not of gross corporeal touch) he would use after-
lustration, as liberally as the pallid wretch, who had
escaped him from the ravages of a pestilential calen-
ture. There is a noisome rankness, to me more hateful
than the cleymes of unslacken lime, that imperceptibly
steals upon the whole man, who holds but even con-
verse with a woman. If the Box of Pandora was other
than a combination of villainous qualities in one
damn'd housewife, then am I a very box to contain
the freedom of every man's reproach in.
I informed thee, Master Brook, of my skilful ad-
vances, of my seeming successes. I likewise unfolded
to thee of my mishaps, of the depth of the Datchet,
and other localities. I blended them, Master Brook,
in order to preserve an equilibrium ; lest the avoir-
dupois of my successes might appear without dross,
and so thou be led to build on an uncertain tenure.
I told thee too, how I became proxy for one Mistress
47
Pratt, and in her behoof was compelled to gather up
nimbly my chitterlings, my reins, and escape from the
discipline of the knave Ford. Perpend further my
molten frame being a little consolidated, a most
soothing letter, tender withal, full of condolences,
comes from Mistress Ford. She assureth me, she felt
every blow I received. Master Brook, believe her
not the force of sympathy is faint, to the force
centered in Ford's hand. She lies in her throat. The
knave laid me out in such natural colours, I have every
shade pertaining to the Herald's art in my body.
I cannot extract, or I should make money. To love
compulsatorily is not in the nature of Man. I can be
beat into a mummy, but not into love ; but I'll woo
for thee: Expect her, Master Brook, expect her still.
I shall meet her at Herne's Oak Call upon me,
bring money thou shalt hear more.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
48
XIXFalstaff to Brook
MASTER BROOK, there is a point, which I did in
some sort forget to touch upon I will tell you ; but,
indeed, Master Brook, 'tis a subtle point, and I must
handle it discreetly for tho' it is not the needle s
point, Master Brook, yet may it goad ; yea, and hath
variations, and doth lay in a small compass.
I will tell you, Master Brook, and briefly, but you
must be secret I must play the light heel, flit to and
fro like a shadow, to swift nimble tunes Mistress Ford,
will have it so I must dance, caper in the air like a
tun of Molass' ; only my ascension will be heavier, in
regard I must rise without a crane, Master Brook.
I did never practise the art as a yonker, and now must
I take to it as an old man : but 'tis for your sake,
Master Brook. For mine own part, I had as lief
swell "out a weavers doublet, and compass my belly
from the navel round with a dozen wisps of hemp, and
manufacture twist-rope by the length. I am not
fashioned for the end of a pipe I had as lief, for
mine own part, bind myself to the common hangman,
Master Brook, and supply the gibbet with ropes, yea,
49 E
at a foul shirt per felon, Master Brook, for I am not
fond of liquoring the ground I was never a dancer,
Master Brook, it is not my art my soles do somehow
cleave to the ground I could never weigh them up
twain at a caper, save when I did personate Mistress
Pratt ; for as a witch, Master Brook, I can vault like
a roebuck but then I must step out of myself. I do
remember, the Welch Priest did protest 'twas bread
and cheese to him he might have added butter,
Master Brook I lacked but Mistress Paget's churn
to be shaped into pounds. But I do err from my
subject. In few, Master Brook, Ford's wife will have
me dance at the Oak, and you must commend me to
a minstrel-sounder the flitting knave must tutor me,
that so I appear not a stranger to the art I must be
conversant for women, Master Brook, are won by
the throng of good parts the simple display of coun-
tenance hath no more purchase, than is in the shell of
a boil'd lobster I do know it, I do know it, Master
Brook. I must write unto town for apparel ; for the
Thames hath somehow an antipathy to a good suit
I do smack of the haddock. Do thou on thy part
allow not the furlough to a moment ; but haste,
Master Brook.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
5
XX Mistress Quickly to Sir John
Falstaff
MERCY on me ! Fall ! I tell you what, Sir John
Dorothy must fall with it. I must have her warn'd to
quit, and you must take to her, Sir John, and put
some shifts to her back, you must. An honest trifling
gain of fivepence odd in the quart, and to be snatch'd
from a poor widow, as one might say, without an
atomy of reason ! Sir John, you must take to her
you must spend upon her body a fine shewy creature,
goodsooth, with silk gowns and kirtles for the first
lady in the land, and not a modest change next her
skin! Fie, Sir John! you ought to fit her, Sir John.
You know her nakedness I have bought for her, and
bought for her, and she hath pawn'd, and pawn'd,
that 'tis quite a shame to think on and I'm sure the
gains of a poor hostess in drinkings wont pay for it. Sir
John, I'll tell you what, Sir John Here's been a great
to do in my house, and all about you, Sir John I shall
be ruin'd and fracted I must break My customers
tell me you are gone, and I must charge sack a matter
cheaper, and there's no scarcity now you are away.
5 1
Here's Master Martlet, that you call'd the eves-
dropper, 'cause, goodsooth, he had a birds name
'twas no longer ago than yesterday says he, Good-
wife Quickly Goodzvife, Sir John for he always
names me so, altho' he knew my poor husband that's
dead ; and I tell him so, and then he says, I am your
Lemon and, indeed, Sir John, it's true enough ;
for you have squeez'd me, and squeez'd me, till I have
not a bit of sour left yea, I am too humoursome to
you, and you know it. Well, as I was saying, there
was Master Martlet says he, Goodwife Quickly,
who breeds, who lays your eggs ? Alice Plenesperm,
quoth I, and I take twelve dozen of a week when good
Sir John's here, and six dozen when he journs. Then,
says he, you must take half the price of sack away too,
for the knight's not here now to make a scarce And
with that, they all in a throng pertested I must 'bate
and come down, or my house would not hold it's own
And indeed, Sir John, it's grown quite a desert only
there are no beasts to be sure. You are far away, and
Bardolph, and Pistol, and there's no sport toward, as
there was wont to be, and I'm oblig'd to lower to
keep open house.
I beseech you, good Sir John, sweet Sir John, to
come back quick, that I may bring the liquors to a
5*
good creditable head again, and not let them dwindle,
and dwindle, that every flea-bitten rascal may perfume
his blood like a gentleman, forsooth ! I pray you now,
Sir John, and don't let 'em ride an honest body
Heres Dorothy and myself we have both been rode, Sir
John, that it were a shame to mention how, since you
have been at Windsor And don't let the Boar fall
away, Sir John. There's Master Rahab, that loved
Dol, thereby bringing you into Canaries, and Neighbour
Dumb our minister, that used to come disguised in
the green doublet, and Mr. 'Tolemy the Harlotry
Player, they have all forsook Eastcheap, and gone into
the suburbs, that we are quite, as one might say, no
better than lone penitents, and people of no character.
Dol sends her service, and holds her own marvellously
I beseech you, good Sir John, to delay no longer
than need.
S3
XXI Mistress Quickly to Sir John
Falstaff
A WHOLE suit in sattin ! Twelve and twelve's
twenty-four that's seven pound four and six is
thirty Sir John, I won't do it you think I'm spun
of sattin ; yea, a worm, goodsooth ! But you shall
see, Sir John, that I wont be trod on, as I have been
I wont credit it, Sir John you had a whole top-to-
bottom suit at my charge no longer ago than two days
before you 'journed 'twas the same day that you had
such a kind letter from the King and you can't have
worn them a pin's point. You want to give it to
women, Sir John, and I won't countenance such
vileness Here's one Mistress Ursula calls here about
you, and you ought to be 'sham'd to leave Dol in the
manner you have. I have tended you myself late and
early, and wash'd your flesh before and behind, and
help'd you to bed Yes, Sir John, when you could not
help yourself, that you'd have died of being senseless
and dead of liquor I've put salt on your belly o'
nights, or you'd have burst pounds and pounds of
salt, when you were swell'd, that I never got the tythe
54
of a dram for ; that nobody, not my own servants,
would touch, Sir John. 'Twas but at Allhallowmass
that I lent you money, thirteen pound odd that you
won at primero and was not paid You promised I
should have it on the morrow ; but you did not say
what morrow, and I wonder how you should, good-
sooth, when my own servants know you never won a
groat of it.
Come and discharge a poor hostess's dues, Sir John,
like an honest man, do and dont give kirtles away
and never pay for them Here's Mr. Dombledon had
well-nigh got Dol's body for a kirtle you gave her with
your own hands I can witness it, and the poor young
creature has been compell'd to part with her ear-
rings and bracelets to prevent an arrest. It's a shame,
Sir John, and you need not send any more for sattin
to me, Sir John, for I won't part with another yard's-
worth to you again, while my name's Quickly ; and so
you may get it where you can, Sir John.
XXII Sir John Falstaff to Mistress
Ursula
No, no, no thou art misadvised thou dost suffer
baker's wives, and barren gossips, who do conceive
upon the novelties of a stale world, get the rule over
thee. The King doth counsel with me in the chewing
of a Spanish Nut He knoweth not the height of
six foot himself I do prick his very yeomen for him
Even now hath there been with me a certain Welch
Priest in these parts, who would have access unto the
court Why he doth present me with a silver toaster,
as a bribe, a prologue to his induction. Take it
I do give it thee 'Tis nothing in respect of what thou
shalt possess. Thou art one of the first ladies in the
land, an thou wert but sensible of it. If 'twere as thou
say'st, that the King doth neglect me, and like the
wicked Rehoboam hath taken unto young counsellors,
why should I tarry at Windsor ? Let that suffice thee.
Thirty yards of fustian ! I may not hear of it.
Shall it be said, that Sir John Falstaff doth take his
seat among the nobles of the land in the vest of an
unbelieving Rabbi ? It may not be. Why, I must
do the King honour. Sattin, sattin, is your only
courtier's wear. Come, come 'tis only a pretty
provoking humour thou hast of giving the lustre to
thy favours. Let it be four and twenty yards then
Keep the remnant for new ruffs, and adorn thee for
thy advancement. Why, there it is now I have simply
more ductility than the nimblest quicksilver, and less
oppositions than a drove goose I am tractable to
anything, and thou seest it any thing that may add
to the excellent favour of thy countenance I have
not controul of my own will thou hast used spells
with me but thou know'st this, thou know'st this
I have told thee so before.
Let it be a quarter yard wider than I did at first
speak of. Let me have it speedily, for I may not
appear at court and indite, direct letters unto me of
thy desires chuse thy own dignity look out for
thyself be prodigal, be prodigal all is in my gift.
Thou may'st become the goddess Dian' an thou wilt,
and lead the chace Thou wilt look well with a
quiver for I do mean to preserve the rangership.
No more scruples, but be quick in my affairs, and so
shalt thou be procuress of thine own greatness.
Adieu !
JOHN FALSTAFF.
57
XXIII Master Slender to Ann Page
FAIR Mistress Ann, sweet Mistress Ann, Abraham
Slender craveth leave and liberty to salute thy white
hand He doth by these commend his worthlessness
unto thy grace and favour. He would be thy slave,
thy servant, to the height and extremity of all vow'd
service ; to wit, thy suitor and thy wooer. Yet not
so much of his own free motion, indeed la', as because
his friends desire it of him that is to say, his friends
will, that thus matters should stand. There is the
learned Doctor Sir Hugh Evans, and the wise and
worshipful Justice Shallow, my good friend and re-
lation, [to] stand by me in this relation. I will briefly
recount what words were uttered in my hearing no
longer ago than Thursday was a fortnight I do re-
member it was after a Christening, at which the afore-
said Welch Divine administered the Rites, the Cere-
monies, as are indeed appointed by the church in such
cases, as your fair self cannot but know. It is to be
found in the Rubric, and it followeth the Communion-
Service, and it is indeed a goodly ordinance, as is well
known to you, fair Mistress Ann. As I was saying, I
58
chanced to observe upon the sober and decent de-
meanour, with which our learned Pastor went through
the service ; as indeed the whole was notably well
performed, saving that he had not the gift of the
English speech so glib as one might desire (our Glou-
cestershire Divines have the best smack of it of any
I know). This did I remark, and the gossips did so
titter and laugh, and whisper, that indeed, la', I was
quite put to confusion ; and then Mistress Quickly
tapped me on the cheek, and sought of me, fair Ann,
if she should stand godmother to my first child ; and
whispered in my ear (loud enough, forsooth, for all the
company to hear) that it was rumoured all over
Windsor, that there was speedily to be a match be-
tween me and Mistress Ann Page and I bowed, and
stammered, and rejoined, that it was a promise above
my hopes and then the gossips fell to tittering and
whispering incontinently, that indeed la', I was quite
abash'd.
Fair Mistress Ann, it is not the fashion of Abram
Slender to disparage any. There be some among thy
suitors, that have very good gifts and graces. Im-
primis, or first of all, Mr. Fenton. He hath a good
leg and an indifferent breast, and is indeed a youth of
good conditions. He danceth, singeth songs without
59
book, and hath store of riddles and good nights, and
is, in sooth, a very dog at fence but he hath seen
wild days, Mistress Ann, and wild nights he hath
consorted with the loose, the idle, and the graceless
he hath kept more wassels, and spent more monies
upon riotings and chamberings, I think on my con-
science, than the mad, merry, fat knight himself. I
will not say much of myself it is not my way but
the learned Sir Hugh, and the wise Justice Shallow,
who is also my cousin (by my mother's side she came
of the Shallows of Gloucestershire, and spelt her name
with an e, Shallowe) these can vouch for me, that I
am not given to drinkings, and expences, and wasting
my patrimony folks did use to commend me there-
fore. I was call'd in mine own country, " Staid
Abram," sometimes " Sober Abram " ; good com-
mendations, as times go good commendations, if
rightly taken, fair Mistress Ann. I say again, I do
not mean to disparage any neither again will I run
comparisons with the French Leach Caius he is
suspected, yea shrewdly, fair Ann, of a plot he is
disaffected shun him he is thought to be a spy.
My Cousin Shallow hath also an eye upon him I do
repeat it, shun him.
For thy servant, it is not meet that he sound his
60
own praises let his friends, who also put him
upon this, answer for him. Thus much let me
say, that I fall not short of any of thy suitors in rare
gifts of body, mind, and fortune I am a very dog
at stew'd prunes ; and I have estates, and beeves,
and a goodly mansion in Gloucestershire, when I
come of age (nine months and odd days only I do
lack of coming to years of discretion) and I will settle
upon thee, and thy heirs lawfully begotten, five
hundred mark a year, if the thing might be brought
to bear I would it might, fair Mistress Ann ; for
folks would think it sin and shame, that the family of
the Slenders should perish for lack of heirs. And I
pray you, fair Ann, do not listen to the tales of the
slanderous. Jacob Perkins hath taken unto himself
the shame and the sin of the illegitimate base-born
offspring laid to my charge, and the youth and the
maiden are settled in a neighbouring hamlet.
I do send with these my servant Simple, an honest
knave, and of good wit.
Farewell, sweet Ann !
61
XXIV -Sir Hugh Evans to Ann Page
I DO peg and peseech you, and I do make requests,
moreover, and entreaties, look you, in the pehalf and
pehoof of Master Apram Slender, in the goot town
Windsor resident, that you would pestow your craces,
and your smiles, and your favours, upon the poor
youth. He is a youth of coot gifts and promises, and
it is the desire of your father, and withal of the sage
Justice Shallow, that you would look with an eye of
pity and compassion upon him. The case, look you,
is a desperate case the poor youth's knaggin is
primful of fancies, and melancholies, and despond-
encies ; that it would make any Christian heart pleed
to see. I do fear me his wits are going ; his judge-
ments and his memories, observe, which we are apt
to denominate and call his wits, or his faculties; they
are both approved words and phrases. He was 'ont
be a youth of coot parts, and of creat learning, and
now hath he forgot his moods, and his tenses and his
Quae-Genus withal. He did never fail give the
answers and the reponses, which are set down in the
Church Catechism, freely and with creat readiness,
61
and without pook, look you ; and now hath he no
judgement in these things. O' my conscience, he
hath clean forgot his outward and his risible signs
and his craces, and is a fery heathen in such matters,
which is a shame, and a sin, and a creat pity, moreover.
The pig fat Knight put him down the other day,
when he required of him who was the strongest man?
" By'r Lady," quoth Apram, " I cannot tell." Thy
memory is a thing of nought, rejoined the Knight.
Tell me, who lay in Dalila's lap, and had his poll
claw'd, and lo ! the enemy came upon him, and shaved
him with a razor of Gath ? and so fell to mockings
and vloutings ; for he hath a foul uncodly tongue, and
a fery infidel wit, look you. By the Mass, he will not
spare Cot's pook when it doth come in his way. Coot
Mistress Ann, I do counsel and exhort you to use the
poor young man tenderly, or he may pe triven to
desperations, and cholers, and lunacies you have
your visaments o' this matter look to it he is a
well-conditioned youth, and a pold ; and one more-
over, that hath quarter-staff' d with a Warrener, and
hath look'd a packsword in the face upon occasions,
marry.
As I can learn, he hath not proke the matter to you,
that is to say, verpally and py 'ord of mouth; but he
63
hath written, he tells me ; and, I hope, in a gentle-
manly phrase, and that he hath offered coot offers
and conditions, look you, for he cometh of gentle
plood. Coot Mistress Ann, give the youth lifts and
encouragements, for he is packward and shy in these
matters, and may need it, look you. Indeed, the
youth is a youth of coot parts, and creat motesty, and
hath an indifferent skill in the languages, and may come
to pe of the quorum, observe ; for his creat crand-
father and father, and his crandfather old Simon
Slender, have peen all of the quorum before him ;
and it is not meet nor fitting, look you, that there
should fail a man out of the House of the Slenders to
judgement the land.
Farewell, coot Mistress Ann !
H. EVANS.
XXV Ancient Pistol to Master Abram
Slender
LET doves and lambkins sigh. -Must Pistol verses write ?
Down, princely choler, down ! Shall Man of War turn pimp ?
Then ballad-monging thrive Pistol will nought indite.
Turn verse to prose for me turn day to night
And Chaos judge thy rhymes for prosody shall rue,
False concords halt pronoun and adverb limp
For parts of speech are none, when none can speech impart.
Be Slender therefore mute, for slender is his wit.
The fox shall cater for the silly goose,
And lordly lion eke for base jackail,
E'er true love woo by proxy.
Couragio, Lads, Mecaenas is the word
Poets their patrons have, and verses do ensue.
Why then let purses gape, for gratis is a Fool,
And golden wires make music.
Shall Phoebus threadbare go, the Muses nine also,
Those dainty Imps on top of high Parnasse,
Shall they undowried weep ? Then Spinster be the word
Wedlock is nought Pistol will single live.
Pistol Pistoles doth love like loveth like.
Let purse-strings crack Nan Page is thine, sweet boy,
She doth thee fly, but Cretan is her wing
The wax doth melt, when Pistol is the sun,
And thou shalt seal, go to contented be therefore
But let the labourer live, for he his wages earns.
Pistol Pistoles doth lack, who lacketh nought of wit.
Nan Page is thine, and Fenton he shall flee ;
Yea, be exhaled, like damned dog of dunghill ;
For Pistol he hath spoke by Rowen' and her Chalice.
65
XXVI Combination of the Windsor
Innkeepers
SIR KNIGHT, thy clarion Blow, Bully Rock ! Blow,
Robin Muns, Peter Pimple, and Arthur Swipes ! To
him of the cumbrous Womb the Recheat ! Sir Knight,
we greet thee. Thy fist of Chivalry, most radiant
Dad of Bacchus ! From Herne's Oak unto Datchet
Mead do our lintels swell to receive thee, most puissant
elve-queller ! Are our husbands pamper'd, do brows
inflame and itch ? Arise, Sir Knight, arise and woo
Quick ! Trot ! Jog ! Into the basket go, and dive
into the deep descend, Mistress Pratt, descend, and
to the forest speed with Herne the Hunter's Horns
Purge wittolly husbandhood of it's humours, and let
house-wifery appear most chaste. Thou art the
pumice-stone of philosophy in Windsor-quarry found :
our dace and our plaice, our venison, and our Samson,
our nether socks, and our upper shirts, our wode-
women, and our sack-master. We have no dragons,
bully ; we have no riddlemongers to gobble up our
unexpounders, no dainty Monster to breakfast on our
virginity, or thou should'st be our Harcles and our
champion too. Shall us lose thee, bully ? Shall
us lend thee horses ? Thou art big, thou art fat,
66
convex, rotund Thou wilt break their backs Spavins
and navel-galls do slacken paces Thou art rein-
swoln, pot-bellied diseases are catching, Knight,
fracted wind is foul candy is not good with horse-
flesh. Do we utter well, bully ? Speak we scholarly ?
We are confederate, join'd, men of compact. Thou
shalt not straddle our Nags they bear not double,
old Castor and Pollux. To the common go ascend,
Sir Galilean ; mount, and to the city trot We will
strew the way we will climb palms Will it do,
bully ? The ass doth trample most priestly 'twill
be pompous, Greekish.
We the caputs, and the heads of the merry Order
of Hosthood in King Harry's town Windsor resident,
do protest, that the Knight Falstaff shall not have
our, or any of our horses. Doth he tender coin for
hire ? He hath mickle weight, he's a mineral, a
fossil, a mine of Lead he will crush, overwhelm.
Do we ken his angels, will he purchase ? We have
bowels, we have bowels naghood's tongue doth utter
not it is ty'd We will not sell we are leagu'd.
Sign, seal, deliver quick, neighbours !
Signed,
BULLY ROCK. ROBIN MUNS.
PETER PIMPLE. ARTHUR SWIPES.
67
XXVII Sir John to Antient Pistol
HASTE, my good Antient, I would see thee Haste
to Mistress Quickly's I have misused thee I con-
fess it, I confess it; but be thou the good Samaritan
I have need of oil to my wounds I have been cozen'd,
revil'd, and whipt cozen'd by Woman, revil'd by
Man, and whipt by Child. I have been antler' d, my
good Antient, though not wedded. But I lie, I have
been wedded too ; to a buck-basket, to the hot fingers
of fairy-elves, to the frail promises of a woman. Yea,
I have had the spinster's ring I was sous'd into the
Thames, and wrung by mine Host's scullions ; cramp'd
'twixt hand and hand like a rinc'd doublet. I had
thought my swoln belly were but a mass of congealed
sack, beverag'd, indeed with a slight smack of distilla-
tion from the poppies of the drowsy god ; but I was
out, villainously mistaken I had more bucket-water
than sack: and for distillation, I'm a knave an there hath
been a scruple of it in my whole system for a matter
of eight and forty hours. There is no rest in a cart
Mine Host, and his fry of innkeepers all the lice of
Egypt lye in their quarters! did enter into confederacy
to unhorse me I broke their backs, forsooth ! 'Tis a
68
lie. The disciple Ananias leas'd not so largely 'tis
a lie But thou art at Windsor thou must be advised
of all this ; for the ballad-singing knaves did deal out,
circulate their protest 'twas a standing jest thou
must know it. I will briefly then unfold to thee,
mine Antient, how I escaped me away. I had note
of a commodity of hides being carted for London,
bucklers for Hal's, I would say the King's service. A
curse on Hal ! Would he were fellow-twin to the
giant, he with the vulture at his chitterlings ! To
Windsor went I for a reconciliation ; from Windsor
came I for a Tanner's yard ! Mark me, good mine
Antient : Having note that there were hides going
for London, I barter'd with the carter, brib'd the
boor to decamp at midnight without coil, for the
town was mad, would ha' kept me for sport, made
a Sampson of me, had I consorted with ox-hides
by day. In I got, unknowing of other passengers
there were myriads by night they did roost on the
morrow I was envelop'd, a lump of corruption ! a
very dunghill, with all it's suffocative smells ! The
buck-basket was a mansion to it, a Court would I
had been there again ! I'd submitted to be quoited
into the river I'd submitted to be stirred like a
boiled cabbage yea, by the cowl-staff. I was fifty
69
times in the mind to descend on the road, and trust to
dame Fortune for the rest ; but the rogue will'd it
not he had a jest in store for the goal I bargain'd,
and for the goal I must on. 'Twas not in my ability
to vault 'twas a precipice of five foot I should ha'
burst like a bladder, and with as much explosion too,
for I had fasted. The town did come in view, and I
was in a cart, drove like dung for a fallow ; a man of
my rank and parts ! I was compell'd to creep between
the horns of the teeming hides, and ensconce me
beneath. I was compell'd to forego the light of day,
or would I have lived, mine Antient, to be shotten like
a tale of bricks, from the nether end of a cart into a
Tanner's yard ? I'd rather roll'd and been dash'd
I'd rather have lain till the day of resurrection in the
paunches of fallow hounds. Had I been diminutive,
I must have into the pit but I o'ershadow'd it the
tan-pit, for the foul favour'd whipshot had made it
his mark.
Haste, good mine Antient, I have more to tell thee.
Mine Hostess did think I had risen from the dead
Would I had not been so much among the living !
But indeed I was much corrupted Let me see thee
Delay not.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
70
XXVIII Sir John to Corporal
Eardolph
WHY, them damn'd Mulciberian Cyclops-beaming
rascal thou recreant servitor to recreant Hinds ;
thou hast no more honourable aspirement in thee,
than is in a tail-abbreviated butcher's retainer.
Because the apostate Prince, the Eastcheap Iscariot,
commended the boy Francis, thou must, forsooth,
perpetually gibbet, gibbet, gibbet, up and down like
mine Hostess's pybald turnspit.
One would think, the only particle of Promethean
animation thy carcase was dowered with, had con-
center'd in thy perpetually verduring nasalities ; and
yet have I seen thee trail a pike most puissantly. Nay,
'twas thy gait, thy warlike deportment, procured thee
a halbert ; superadded indeed to a subtilty of ringer
thou wert egregiously endowed with.
Hast thou forgotten, when some thirty years ago
thou wert piously bawling out a rosary with good
Mistress Blurt, at Paul's ? Hast thou forgotten the
theft of her holy beads ? I saw it, and dubb'd thee
an officer upon the spot ; and now are these good
7'
gentlemanly acquirements shrunk to the service of a
pewter-pot ! By the Spirit of Cacus, 'tis an apostacy
more egregious than that of the betrayer Judas. To
see a fine dull, indifferent, dispassionate, pick-purse,
forego his laudable, his honourable avocation, and
commence waiting- varlet, 'mong the draff of society !
'Tis a breach, a perilous gap in the Holy Command,
which prescribes unto man to be duteous and content
in his ordained state of life. I shall live to see thee
damn'd, Bardolph. In the name of a soldier, I conjure
thee bestir thyself. Instant discharge me the knave
Tapster, and inlist me the tall recruit Ambition.
Think not I would that thou should'st forswear ale
Drink, drink an it's an angel a quart, I'll answer the
brewage.
If thou conceit'st, that the deep wassel is only to
be kept in common houses, thou art villainously mis-
taken. I was never a tapster, and yet hath my blood
kept a perpetual coronation. Sack, burnt sack, hath
preserv'd me an illuminated front ; but indeed 'twas
ever an emblem of the Falstaff loyalty. My grandam,
when he died bequeath'd to his son's portion a swoln
kidney. The young heir, a Roman of the true stamp,
increas'd the family estate it throve with him. For
myself, thou hast known me, Bardolph, thou hast
7*
known me. I am not like a many of these now-a-day
summer heirs, who prodigally lavish in civets the
estates of their ancestors. No I have religiously
kept up the inheritance Prove that the fires of my
liver have ever been extinct Prove that they have,
and scourge me with rods like the drowsy vestal.
In the most profound science of philosophy there
is a term, Corporal, and it is much used, called an
Axiom But I will not mispend the superrogatory
wind, with which the omnipotence of Candy hath
kindly bless'd me withal, by entering into verbose
definition, and perplexing thee with crude phrase
No ! am too well acquainted with thy indis-
criminate uncleanly appliances of papers. I will
briefly observe then, that it hath ever been es-
teemed a self-evident principle, that the sincerity
of returning allegiance is better expressed by deeds
than words. I know not whether the Apostle
Thomas had my belly ; but this I know, I have his
unbelief. Thou may'st have the faith and the suffer-
ance of Zopyrus more, more I deny it not. But,
Corporal, I'll see thee damn'd ere I'll trust to it, till
thou hast given the irrefragable proof. My horses
are under arrest Mine Host hath them in durance for
a credit of Ford's he that made a Yonker of the fat
73
Knight, under the semblance of Master Brook that
dealt him angels in his pocket, and blows on his skin
that flighted him into a ditch for a tadpole, and hunted
him through Windsor Forest for a buck that but
the breath of man is not sufficiently competent to great
revenge. I did never wish to control the south-west
wind till now I'd blister him, till the very beasts
trembled at his din Bardolph, bring off my beasts,
my horses. Steal Enter Ford's house there is a
fourth door but ill fortified ; and let me see thee
forty pounds the weightier for thy tapstership. I
shall be in Eastcheap Delay not the moments Mine
Antient Pistol doth await to greet thee by the fist.
I'll not bid thee adieu, but I'll bid thee farewell.
Nym faith, there is a stoop of excellent malt-liquor
in tap here.
JOHN FALSTAFF.
74
XXIX Sir Hugh Evans of the goof
town Windsor , Priest^ to Sir John
Falstaffl greeting
SIR JOHN, I emprace you fery affectionately I fold
you to my posom marry, not itentically and literally,
o'er my conscience you are too pig ; put py type and py
token, as Mistress Ford is 'ont [to] express her affection,
peradventure, in 'Indsor Forest. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Sir
John, why you are creat upon your own elections and
immunities Free Ranger in King Harry's park, and
Knight of the most respectable and good Order of the
Path ; invested, marry, in Datchet Mead. Pless my
soul ! why I did never know Christian rise to such
preferments without the assistance of Majesty save
and except hur own countrymen who, have, inteed,
been compell'd to crow creat of themselves since the
days of Llewellyn. Why, if the opinion of some
shrewd philosophers pe just and goot, which do afer,
that the soul of man (and the pody is conjunctive
and inseparable) doth processively crow nearer to
perfection, o' my conscience, you make such strides,
you will pe exalted apove the heads of all the people
75
fery shortly ; if py no other means, marry, at the
callows for stifling some poor 'oman to death with
that monstrous feather-ped in your pelly. Ha ! ha !
ha ! You see, Sir John, we of the Kubrick can be
fery merry, maugre a plack coat and doublet ; put
you must pear with a little (Pless my soul, what is the
'ord ? Galen hath it ) aye, 'tis a Retort you must
pear with a little retort, for the mockery and gybe
you did put upon me 'fore Master Ford, and his goot
friends.
Put all this is not my present pusiness. There is a
man, Sir John, marry, one Pandolph, or Pardolph, for
inteed he hath not, Got help, the appearance of a
Pope's Legate a sleepy, heavy-look'd man, with lifid
knots on his nose and cheeks you must recollection
the man he Jives with mine Host of the Garter, an
traws ale and peer in a greasy old red coat Well,
peing very illiterate and padly brought up, the more
the pity i he hath fery properly, look'e, made motions
to me, as his Pastor, to frame something goot by way
of answer to a tender made him. Got pless my heart
and soul, why you are 'orse than the Arch-Tevil in
Paradise! You tempt man and 'oman both. Look'e
Sir John, the intention may pe goot ; put I must pe
pold to declare, the man peareth himself with greater
76
order and principle, o' my conscience, than there is
reason to pelieve, and credit of him, aforetime. In-
teed, he is a little pit given to trowsiness ; put then
he doth not pilfer, and do dirty actions, as Abraham
Slender, Esquire, Got's Lords ! a creat Magistrate o'
the County o' Gloucester, can fouch. I do afer, Sir
John, the man is petter pe a door-keeper in the House
of the Lord, than a creat one in the tents o'the ungodly
so, take your 'visaments in this He 'ould altogether
remain with mine Host, who doth pleed him, and
physick him, and inteed 'ork with him as much dis-
cretions on his face to render somewhat like the image
of a man ; though more the misfortune, without effect.
Peradventure, he may have some private hankerings
after a prother soldier 'tis to pe expected Got's
Lord's ! Thirty years is a long shot to follow the
trum : put I do peseech, and desire of you, that he pe
not enticed nor spirited away; for, o' my conscience,
the man hath put little prain to help himself. Peseech
you, Sir John, look'e, as a shrewd turn.
I shall be glad to pe advis'd of your emparkation to
pull down the French King. Got send his Majesty
'ould make his peace with Glendower He's a prave
man, and 'ould atchiefe 'onders O' my life, you'll do
nought without him. An you have admittances to
77
his Majesty, make a prief o' the matter, and report it
he may be soon found depend, he's only among the
plack mountains.
Marry, Sir John, there is one matter peside. You
did porrow at my house a silver toaster. Mine
Host of the Garter hath it not. Peseech you, look
among your service of plate, and let me have it 'tis
a weight o' fourteen ounce Mine Host did merrily
say your plate was all carried off on your pack. Ha !
ha ! ha ! Pe you a pedlar, Sir John, or was it a
vlout, and a freak of the scald knave's ? O' my con-
science, one 'ould think you had enough to do to
pear away your own powels ; more especially after
the merry compination o' the inn-keepers. Peseech
you, Sir John, look among your service for my toaster.
I have a present of seese from Monmouth. Well !
Got's comfort go with you ! his Angels piddle down
plessings on your knaggin !
HUGH EVANS.
XXX Sir John to Corporal Bardolp/i
BARDOLPH, thou wilt make me call on Heaven to take
me to itself I shall regret having survived to witness
the degeneracy of gentlemen, my good friends. I
know not whether Dame Fortune will have it so for
some disservice I have done her, but my late passages
in life have been villanously wayward Pistol hath
play'd me the light heel Nym hath revolted thou
art a truant. Mine Antient, and Nym, indeed, unable
to procure forage without me, have come to confession
and received absolution ; and thou dost only with-
stand the affectionate tenders and remonstrances of
thy old master. Bardolph, have I wrong'd thee at
any time ? Have I not made mine own necessities
crouch to thy wants ? Nay, have I not, many a time
and oft, advanced thee monies when mine whole com-
pany were fain, out of very poverty, [to] quarter upon
the country ? Thrice have I rescued thy legs from
the stocks. When have I withheld my linen, when
thy body had else rotted in bed ? But that I saved
thee, thou had once been flogg'd from hamlet to
hamlet, been skinn'd for a fox, for pullet-stealing.
79
What matters it, that thou wert employed by me ?
Thy duty and fidelity to thy master would gain thee
laud at the latter day, I grant ye ; but would it have
pour'd in oil to thy wounds here ?
I had thought of retiring from the world, like a
good white-headed old man, surrounded by every
my antient, and approved good domestics. I had
thought of devoting a portion of my future days of
strength to the subduing of my juvenile passions I
was loth to put it off too long ; for know, Bardolph,
there is a certain point in the age of Man, when the
delights of the flesh do wax palsied in their govern-
ment. I mean not, that the accumulation of a
specifick number of years must of necessity blunt the
powers. No. God forbid that threescore should be
unprocreative ! Indeed, I am more than that myself.
No. There is a period, I say, which is more distant
or early, according to the strength of the fortress,
when our ally, Dame Nature, causeth the foe to with-
draw, and saveth us the merit of a self-conquest.
Hast thou never observ'd, good Corporal, (now can
I not call thee by any other name) hast thou never
observ'd in Eastcheap a spare acrimonious-looking
cannibal, feeding on his brethren, I would mean on
roast crabs ? Hast thou never observ'd the dewlap'd
So
elder, with finger trembling on the chords of old-age,
apply bestriding glasses to his well-contrived nose, and
view the figures on mine Hostess's tapestry ? His ocular
powers have grown dim by age in vain doth he look
out for the soft colourings that once pleas'd him
his eye can discern nought but the ordinary shades
his film, his film does it. Just so fares it with this
goodly landscape of the world -The Yonker admires
it's softer colourings, it's pleasures ; and by habit is
too prone to retain a smack for them, till the last
hour of actual enjoyment passethaway; till the blood,
it's uncheck'd spirit flagg'd in reaching the imaginary
goal, courseth along like a staid mule. This state of
incompetent imbecility would I provide against I
would have the merit of a forestall'd repentance.
There is a thing, Corporal, mentioned in Holy Writ,
and it is known to many in our land by the name of
mushroom Manna, I would say ; but indeed, 'tis
the same thing. This Manna, as Moses doth assert
in his Reports upon adjudged Cases, fell as the dew of
Heaven upon an hungry people. Now, if they had
possessed no teeth, good Corporal, God's Elect had been
lost, and the Manna remained unmasticate at this day.
Such another windfall is penitence, unprofitable to
him who findeth it too late.
81 G
For this cause had I thought of retiring timely with
my good domestics and retainers about me. Thyself,
Nym, Pistol, my faithful dogs, Mistress Dol, with thy
own Helen, good Corporal, all, all should embrace the
blessed moment of regeneration. For this did I
desire thee to bring off my horses. Is it for me, Cor-
poral, to abandon my gentle, my good cattle, to
the mercy of the ungodly, to the thong of a mun-
danely-minded hunt-counter, an inn-keeper ? I thank
my God, I have not yet the bowels of a Turk.
Mine Antient, who bears these, will inform thee
more fully. Advise with him ; and remember, Bar-
dolph, if thou still adherest to thy damnable heresy,
Sir John is no longer thy friend.
Farewell !
8z
XXXI Antient Pistol to Sir John
Falstaff
LET sack abound ! Be merry, Goodman Buff for
Bardolph, foul-engender'd wight, the mule of stubborn
rein, doth yield to Knighthood's proffers. Sir John
shall have the stud avaunt the stud of mushroom
growth, the Bardolph's nasal stud ! I mean the Bully
Rock's Bucephalus and Alexandrine nags ! Sir John
shall steed again Pistol hath said it. Shall deeds
proclaim, how garter'd Hosts, and Brazen Bulls were
charm'd ? Or will old CEson list, ere Jason doth
bring home the Golden Fleece ? I will unfold, for
since that Quorum-oneyers yearn to sack, Pauca's a
tatler grown.
When Pistol kenn'd the Lazar,he of spigot-puissance,
off-shogg'd the scouler like to Dutchman's pinnace.
And did not ancestry o'ertake ? Yea, and subdue ;
or Pistol's Caliber is not of England's mould.
Sir John, and master mine, thou art the kernel and
the core of Clerkish Knighthood. The apple of mine
eye is base Foh ! a Figo for the phrase ! Let paucity
be Nym's Pistol is quaint of quip. Thou art the
tree on Ida's top, whence golden apples grow to tempt
the maw of man. Bardolph will pluck, go to. Thy
schoolish letter, Knight, hath from the lees of ale
incorporate distill'd unmanly tear ; at scan of it, the
bashful Corporal did weep like she of Thebes. His
senses are most sap he hath been brew'd, and wort's
his age Doth the humour pass ? He is a child, go
to and from his swaddling-clothes will Pistol shape
the doublet, slops, and eke the short cloak hight, for
Knighthood's wear. Shall Dombledons and silk-
worms vile lay dead in sepulchre, and shall not man
be cloath'd ? Why then let Ford be spun. He shall
be robb'd ; for warriors must have Mark in body and
in breech. Clip we the Bardolph's snuff, when ser-
vices are done ? Or do we fuel add, for he is to the
socket burnt ? In niching time his eyelids do bow
down, and pawn'd he hath to weaver's man most
base, his goodly Caliver, for hose of second wear. He
must be sherk'd, or charges will ensue Come we to
the pauca one, or shall the Phoenix blaze ? We must
adopt, or Dian will become maid Marian to Lucifer,
and lead his mowing Imps, his damned apes of Hell.
We must succession have ; for lads and compeers,
wooers of the Moon, should never dwindle fellowship
Pistol will Jackall be unto the crew. Sir John, and
84
Lion mine, arrest thine eyes' epistolary progress, and
mark the Calf I mean the crural Calf. Seest thou
ought unsymmetried ? Now, by the lad that Vulcan,
he of antler' d brow, did catch like sparrow, his soul is
as well apportion'd Palm him the Nief of mickle
Fellowship, and from the tiding-bearer low bid boy-
hood rise the puissant Pick-purse. Ought, that Pistol
hath not utter'd, he will unfold. Bow down um-
brageous Manhood, and perpend unto him.
Thine Antient PISTOL.
Ford shall be robb'd Bardolph is Tapster to him,
and doth his threshold know. Thy nags shall forage
in Eastcheap ere bats do sleep again. Farewell !
XXXII Davy to Shallow
I BESEECH your good Worship to come quick. Here
is Master Abram very ill He goes about, and about,
lobs his head over this shoulder, and over that shoulder,
like, your Worship, as it were, just of all the world like
the large sun-flower of an afternoon by the tulip borders.
I'm afraid, and so's Robin, that he's bestraught; for
he sighs, and slobbers his beard, and Robin says, a'
sometimes looks, marry, just as your Worship did,
when your Worship went mad about the Coat of
Arms at old Sir Thomas's death. He went on the
Bench with your Worship's Cousin Silence, to commit
some vagrants, for stealing the nettles out of the ditch
in the Park to make broth, thereby hurting the fences ;
and he took no note of any thing, but look'd down
upon the ground, and sigh'd, and sigh'd and pre-
sently, when your Worship's Cousin Silence ordered
I should make out a mittimus for one Alice Page, a'
cried out Mum ! and said, she was in white and she
was an old gypsey, your Worship, in drab ; and so I
told Master Abram, but he call'd me a Post-boy. I
beseech your Worship to come quick, for a' heeds
86
nobody. Master Abram was wont speak very soft,
and play ball with the maids, and sing to us in the
Hall ; and now a' goes about, and pines, and pines,
and eats no not the tithe of a gooseberry. I got him
a dish of prunes, stew'd prunes, your Worship, that a'
was wont to delight in ; and a' touch'd them not ;
but said, Mr. Fentum, Mr. Fentum must have 'em.
But I told him there was no such a gentleman in
Cotswold ; then a' call'd out, " Nan Page was a
maid , " and so fell a gobbling them up with his hands,
both his hands, that your Worship, 'twas quite unlike
Master Abram, that was always so bashful to eat afore
any body at all. I beg your Worship to hasten, or a'
may come to a bad end. A' went out at twelve o'clock
last night, and said the fat Knight Falstaff, he that
robb'd your Worship's park, was under the elms
Robin and I took our calivers to shoot him, remember-
ing your Worship's directions ; but a' was not there
all was lonely, your Worship, and yet Master Abram
would not come in A' said, " Nan Page would
appear in white," and then a' call'd out, Mum !
Mum /
Good your Worship, I'll be bold to observe upon a
point : A matter has struck me, as your Worship was
wont to say marry, and very hard. I hope he be
8?
not, that is, I think a' would not, your Worship con-
ceits me, I should grieve that that our Master
Abram were in league with Truly, I have serv'd
your Worship very faithfully a matter of twelve years,
as serving-man, and steward, and butler, and I have
but six mark a year, your Worship and clerk, and
keeper of the stocks, and all for six mark, your Wor-
ship and cook, and cook's man, and hatch'd your
Worship's young turkies, worn all your Worship's cast
doublets and hose it's a long charge for one lone
man, and six mark's a short reckoning, and I hope
your Worship would make a friend of me in any great
matter An Master Abram be one on 'em, he may
have great reason for it and I'll be suppos'd he is ;
for a' walks back and back quite in thought, and
speaks to himself, and then answers, and does all just
as Percy the Duke's son did, afore he was kill'd Your
Worship may trust a worse man than me, and trust a
friend Master Abram may stand in Percy's shoes,
and yet wear them out, I can tell your Worship that.
There's much wool in Cotswold, altho' little cry.
The Stroud's a small shot over ; but a bullet won't
find the bottom soon. Would your Worship have the
bucklers and mails clean'd up, that hang in the Hall ?
Marry, and the Welch hooks new pointed ? Glen-
88
dower will teach us trail the hook. I would your
Worship would come among us. Here's William
Visor, and Ralph Rampant, and Phil. Snugges, and
Mark Maple-eye, and many more of us we exercise,
your Worship, every day ; and I deal out provisions
and ale from your Worship's cellar and I would your
Worship would give order for pay ; and some hops,
your Worship, for brewing ; and some hurdles for
the turnip-field ; and a new yoke for the oxen ; and
a word of comfort for Alice Shortcake ; she pines,
your Worship, about Master Abram.
With these matters I humbly take leave of your
Worship.
89
XXXIII Shallow to Davy
GOD bless my heart and soul! Disband the soldiers,
Davy Let 'em be disbanded. Bless my heart, I
shall be attainted of affection to his Majesty's enemies.
That Mark Maple-eye hath more colours than one
I have seen him a good subject. Marry, doth my
Cousin Silence know, is he advised of the matter ?
Let him not know it, Davy. How long hath Ralph
Rampant been a rebel ? Marry, he shall remain
Rampant he shall be quarter'd for their arms,
hung, drawn, and quarter'd. Let my Cousin Slender
be tended, Davy, closely, Davy a crook in love
should be in the hand of a good shepherd He hath
been cross'd, Davy. A fair sprag maiden of good
conditions and endowments, but come of the first
woman, yea, more fig-leaves to conceal her tendences
than Eve, Davy marry a Budget. Let John Coomb
widen the stocks Hath he sent his bill, Davy ? Let
my Cousin Silence have it for the Quorum. The
County must pay it 'tis a repair awarded for damages,
damages by the rebels in their retreat, Davy. A
new granary, and a dove-cot, indeed, on my own
90
lands, but that is nought, not awhit. Marry, we
examine we cast, and pay. Truly, an a Justice of
the Peace could not shift to edge any little tiny
matter in of his own, the Quorum would not hold
plural 'twould quick be in the singular number,
Davy, soon Qui, quae, quod. Ha ! ha ! ha I We
don't labour in the vineyard for nought, Davy Ha !
ha ! ha ! Marry, let the stocks be widened Bid
John Coomb look to it, and see that it be done. I'm
resolv'd, that William Visor shall not 'scape his legs
shall not bear him off again he hath a gross calf ; but
the stocks shall bind it he shall not get away yea
he shall be bound in calf. God bless my soul, Davy,
how could you assemble ; how encourage, marry, and
marshal, the foes of his gracious Majesty ? O' my
conscience, I might have been proclaim'd, yea, marry,
declared a rebel by attainder, and march'd against.
But indeed you have not been in love, Davy you
never lov'd. My Cousin Slender hath a great trial
look to him, Davy he hath much give him at-
tendance, Davy he may start, marry, and break out,
and 'tis love, Davy, look to him, a liege subject,
and a loyal, may do it. I could name you the day,
when the hear of a fine tall Bona-Roba would make
me, I should ha' hop'd you God bless my heart,
9'
why what, Davy it is not all brew'd hath become
of the Pocket from Hinchley market the Pocket of
Hops, new hops, Davy, bought at the wake, marry,
of Hugh Ryecrop ? You can't chuse want hops,
Davy certain you can't. Marry, for the yoke, let
it be had ; but the hurdles, Davy, must be stak'd
and bound You don't give range, you don't give
scope, Davy, to the flock. Let them have an half
acre turnip they'll not level fences. Look to my
Cousin Slender. I shall tend him myself, Davy, soon,
Davy.
ROBERT SHALLOW.
XXXIFDavy to Shallow
MASTER ABRAM is dead, gone, your Worship
dead ! Master Abram ! Oh ! good your Worship,
a's gone. A never throve, since a' came from Windsor
'twas his death. I call'd him a rebel, your Worship
but a' was all subject a' was subject to any babe,
as much as a King a' turn'd, like as it were the latter
end of a lover's lute a' was all peace and resignment
a' took delight in nothing but his book of songs and
sonnets a' would go to the Stroud side under the
large beech tree, and sing, till 'twas quite pity of our
lives to mark him ; for his chin grew as long as a
muscle Oh ! a' sung his soul and body quite away
a' was lank as any greyhound, and had such a scent !
I hid his love-songs among your Worship's law-books ;
for I thought, if a' could not get at them, it might
be to his quiet ; but a snuff'd 'em out in a moment.
Good your Worship, have the wise woman of Brentford
secured Master Abram may have been conjured
Peter Simple says, a' never look'd up, after a' sent to
the wise woman Marry, a' was always given to look
down afore his elders ; a' might do it, your Worship
93
knows it; but then 'twas peak and pert with him a'
was a man again, marry, in the turn of his heel. A' died,
your Worship, just about one, at the crow of the cock.
I thought how it was with him ; for a talk'd as quick,
aye, marry, as glib as your Worship ; and a' smiled,
and look'd at his own nose, and call'd " Sweet Ann
Page." I ask'd him if a' would eat so a' bad us
commend him to his Cousin Robert (a' never call'd
your Worship so before), and bade us get hot meat,
for a' would not say nay to Ann again. But a' never
liv'd to touch it a' began all in a moment to sing
" Lovers all, a Madrigal." 'Twas the only song
Master Abram ever learnt out of book, and clean by
heart, your Worship and so a' sung and smil'd, and
look'd askew at his own nose, and sung, and sung on,
till his breath waxed shorter, and shorter, and shorter,
and a' fell into a struggle and died. I beseech your
Worship to think he was well tended I look'd to him,
your Worship, late and soon, and crept at his heel
all day long, an it had been any fallow dog but I
thought a' could never live, for a' did so sing, and then
a' never drank with it I knew 'twas a bad sign yea
a' sung, your Worship, marry, without drinking a
drop.
Alice Shortcake craves, she may make his shroud.
94
Ah ! had your Worship but never ha' taken him to
Windsor ! I knew Mistress Alice's mind, marry, and
Master Abram's too they ha' coupled, your Worship,
and never dreamt of love, any more than all their
forefathers, and grandfathers did afore them.
Old Sir Simon's vault must be opened, I humbly
conceit, your Worship ; and Master Abram's effigy
placed by his side in the Chancelry, in armour, marry,
with his hands folded on his breast, by way of denoting
his death's-wound ! for I humbly think, with your
Worship's leave, it may tend to warn all such, as have
not shrewd heads, from entering into love-matters.
An your Worship will specify time and place, I'll bring
the horses to meet, and carry your Worship home, in
order to have directions about Master Abram's funeral.
Your Worship's serving man,
DAVY.
95
The following fragment appears among Sir John's
papers. // evidently formed part of a Letter to the
Prince; but being very mutilated \ the Editor was for
some time irresolute as to granting it admission among his
more perfect MS. However, an innate reverence to
every the most trifling relique of the good Knight, at
length determined him to present it to the publick.
* * made up of the shreds and clippings of the
several arts and sciences. He hath made much pro-
gress in Italian, doth begin to wax villainously nasal
in his pronunciation of French ; and for dancing,
Hal! he would flit ye to and fro like a shadow. * *
* * In height he is about 5 foot 1 1, or by'r lady,
inclining to six foot ; but the face, the face, is the
Trumpeter to this aspiring inclination of Master
Blender's ; the distance from chin to brow being a
common pace, or geometrically speaking, is to the
whole upright system as 4 to l6 one fourth, if we
omit fractions. With all this majesty of * * * *
*******
CCET. DESUNT.
96
XXXV Captain Fluellin to Mrs.
Quickly
GOT pless my heart! Captain Falstaff dead! Mis-
tress 'Ickly, I hope he departed with the fear of his
Majesty in poth his eyes, marry, and of Got too ?
His Majesty, to pe sure, was repukings and gallings
to him, when his Majesty, look'e, was King upon the
death of his father ; but that is nought If he used
his goot pleasures in the matter, look'e, Mistress 'Ickly,
he might degrade, and create a trummer, or a fifer,
or what is 'orse, the sutlers paggage-pearer o' the
camp, of me, or of any captain. Sir John was old,
most certain, and his preed might pe a matter pigger
than I can recollection to have seen ; put that, look'e,
should not kill him a whit the more sudden. 'hy, I
did have letters from him. when was the messenger
arrive ? Aye, yesterday is the week, 'tis in my pocket,
advising of a kind of intention, marry, to empark for
the enemy's coast with me and Captain Gower 'tis
a gypish and jokish, and as primful of the altogether
Knight, o' my conscience, as one graff'd pippin might
favour of another. Put Death is fery ill and moody in
97
his 'haviour and manners. He is not the Gentleman,
peradventure, in his intercourses, that I might observe
of other his relatifes. There was Ulysses the Greek
had occasions and matters to discuss with Pluto
'hy, he was received, look'e, pelow, as his rank merited
O, Death had a goot pattern in Pluto! I have had
readings apout Death you shall hear
And when he 'ould pe merry, he doth chuse
The gaudy champer of a dying King
O* then he doth ope wide his poney chaws,
And with rude laughter and fantastic tricks,
He claps his rattling fingers to his side ;
And when this solemn mockery
Put I will end with this solemn mockery. You see,
Mistress 'Ickly, that Death hath his vlouts, and his
freaks, and his merriments, maugre what all the
antient writers may afer ; tho' o' my conscience, I
cannot say, I did ever in any my patties and skirmishes
see him, look'e, so much as on a proad grin. I am
forget the lineage and family of the author ; put it
pe Irish.
Hath Captain Falstaff left any creat matters in the
way of estate ? Put that's no matter at all send me
the pill of his funeral charges, and I will pe three
crowns in his debt to puy him a pound of lead to lay
98
in. So Got me 'udge, I affection'd the man, as a man,
peradventure, might estimate of a prother, where there
was only one in the family, look'e, peside the father
and his ownself. He was the fery person of all the
'orld to keep th' universal army in goot glee, when the
athversary, o' my conscience, approach'd with his pike
as far off as the jerk of half a stone. Hath he left sons
and daughters to represent and typify him in the
'orld ? Let me pe advised o' this matter, Mistress
'Ickly. I will promotion and make them as pig men
under King Harry, as he that peget them of 'oman ;
that is, Mistress 'Ickly, upon the well fouchment, and
pelief, and credit too, that they pe honest and goot
subjects, and pe not given to porrowings and sackings.
O' my credit, there is three pounds Sir John did get
advance of me py way of possets, which is no petter
than dross Put that look'e, is a matter of affapility
petween us, that I 'ould not discuss to an own prother.
He is dead, and I am three crowns in his debt,
and there's the finish.
Got bless you, Mistress Quickly !
99
NOTES
Page 3, line i. The correspondence appeared to have com-
menced while Sir John stopped at Shallow's seat in Gloucester-
shire to pick up recruits in his way to York. Vide the Second
part of King Henry IV, , Act III.
4, 20. It is needless to observe that Mouldy, Bullcalf, Wart,
Feeble, and Shadow must have formed the able recruits Sir
John here alludes to.
5, 21. Sir John's conceit is here rather obscure. I submit, but
with great deference, whether he does not allude to the sensitive
nature of the torpedo, which is immediately convulsed on being
touched.
14, 7. I fear ancient Pistol was in this coil.
17, 4. Probably the contemptuous manner in which the
opposite party spoke of the house of Lancaster.
17, 24. Poor Sir John's views were rather confined ; only
fifty foot to look forward to for preferment.
24, 2. Davy, I suppose, anticipated the honours of his master.
24, 8. Davy could never away with this Clement Perkes.
Vide Henry IV^ Act V. sc. i.
35, 9. The editor most respectfully appeals to Mr. Malone
for the sense of this word so frequently in the Antient's mouth.
Having in vain ransacked Chaucer, Ben Jonson, Beaumont and
Fletcher, Middleton and Rowley, etc., he is at length compelled to
print it literatim from the MS. for the comments of more learned
men than himself.
41, 6. Shrewdly conceived, and profoundly, by Master Robert
Shallow. For a man, of whom Hollingshed and other writers
103
relate such wonders, to travel a score or two leagues fish-fashion,
were the most easy and consistent thing in the world. Take
water at Radnor, pass Brecknock and Monmouthshires, land
and cut across the country ; wet his fins again at Cirencester,
by Oxford, Wallingford, etc., bait at Marlow, and thus to
Datchet !
42, 20. It should be observed that Sir John had discarded Nym
and Pistol for refusing to become his emissaries in the design on
Ford's wife. See Merry Wives of Windsor, Act I. sc. iii.
46, 21. Dr. Caius had been present at the beating of Falstaff
when disguised as the Maid's Aunt of Brentford. This accounts
for his frequent cautions to Mrs. Ford. He dreads a discovery.
47, 9. Cleymes were artificial sores raised by the application
of unslacked lime on the legs of paupers, etc., for the purpose of
exciting compassion in passengers.
49, 20. Does Sir John mean as a pea blown by the breath of
school-boy ?
52, 7. Lemman, or mistress, I rather suppose to have been
Master Martlet's meaning.
57, 14. Sir John is determined not to lose by his boasted
acquiescence.
59, 9. This is not Mrs. Quickly of Eastcheap.
61, 5. For an explanation of this phrase, see note in First
part of Henry IF., Act. III. sc. i. Johnson's edit, of Shakspere.
65. Master Slender appears to have been tampering with
Pistol to write him some love-verses for Ann Page. How he could
suspect Mine Ancient of going to work without his accustomed
implements, his Aurum Durabile, etc., I can only attribute to
his very slight acquaintance with the Ancient.
71, 2. Perhaps the reader should be reminded that Bardolph
had left Sir John's service on account of the Knight's increased
expences, and engaged himself as tapster to mine Host of the
Garter.
" I sit at Ten pound a week."
FALSTAFF, Merry Wives of Windsor, Act I. sc. iii.
104
[72, 21. An erratum in the first edition corrects "grandam"
to "grandsire." Ed.]
75, 17. The last King of Wales.
75, 19. Sir Hugh, Sir Hugh, thou art schismatick, Sir Hugh.
83, 13. Antient Pistol must allude to the mirth of Master
Silence in his cups. Vide Second Part of Henry IV.
86, 12. Query. Was not this same Master Silence a descend-
ant of the Roman Tacitus ?
88, 19. Who could suspect Abraham Slender, Esq., of taking
part in National Commotions ? Davy's conceit is certainly a
little mirthful. Yet it should be remarked that the wild and
irregular starts of Percy may have been the subject of much talk
with the common people, and by such shrewd fellows as Davy
be considered the distinguishing mark, or (as Falstaff says) the
Shibboleth of a Rebel of Rank.
90, 17. Whether Shallow is intentionally witty, I cannot pre-
tend to affirm ; but this same word was to have been sweet Ann
Page's private answer to Master Slender's Quail-call in Windsor
Forest. Vide Merry Wives of Windsor, Act V. sc. i.
92, II. Here is an air of pleasantry throughout that I have
never observed in Shallow before. Through all his affected anger,
'tis easy enough to discover that his vanity is not a little fed by
Davy's anticipating ofBciousness. No matter to Robert in what
cause they had assembled, he had a corps of soldiers training in
his service.
94, 10. Vide Merry Wives of Windsor. Latter part of Act
I. c. i.
105
INDEX
Aaron's rod, 3.
Abel, 18.
Abraham or Abram : see Slender.
Aeolian bladder, 28.
Aeolus, 27.
Aesculapius, 12.
Aeson, 83.
Alexandrine nags, 83.
Ananias, 69.
Antient Pistol : see Pistol.
Ararat, 19.
Asian dogs, 35.
Avernus, 35.
Bacchus, 66.
Barabbas, 7.
Bardolph, Corporal (the tapster),
xxv, 4, 5, 8, 17, 28, 30, 52,
71 ff., 73, 79 ff. : letters to,
from Sir John Falstafif, 71-74,
79-82.
Beaumont, Francis, 35 (note).
Berks, county of, 36.
Blurt, Mistress, 71.
Boar Tavern, Eastcheap, xviii,
xxii, xxv ff., 9 ; 20, 53 : Pome-
granate room in, xxv-xxvii.
Bolingbrokes, 17.
Bratton, Robin, 21, 26.
Brecknock, 41 (note).
Brentford, Maid's Aunt of: see
Pratt, Mistress : Wise Woman
of: see Pratt, Mistress.
Brook, Master, 74 : letters to, from
Sir John Falstafif, 47-50.
Bucephalus, 83.
Budget, 90.
Bullcalf, 4 (no.'e).
Bully Rock : see Rock.
Cacus, 72.
Cain, 18.
Caius, Dr., 44, 45, 46, 60.
Camilla, 45.
Canaries (quandary), 53.
Castor and Pollux, 67.
Cervantes, xxviii.
Charles VI, King of France : see
French King.
Charon, 42.
Chaucer, 35 (note).
Chrysostoms, 38.
Cirencester, 41 (note).
Cleymes, 47.
Colevile, Sir John, 5.
Combination of the Windsor Inn-
keepers : see Innkeepers.
Coomb, John, 90, 91.
Cotswold, 5, 6, 87, 88.
Covent Garden Theatre, Manager
of, xxiv.
Dagon, 35.
Dalila : see Delilah.
Dapple, xxviii.
Datchet, 38, 41 (note), 42, 47, 66,
Davy, 67 : letters from, to Justice
Shallow, 24-26, 86-89, 88-91 :
letters to, from Justice Shal-
low, 21-23, 90-92.
I0 9
Delilah, 63.
Deposition taken before Master
Robert Shallow and Master
Slender at Windsor, 36-41.
Deys, 27.
Dian' (Diana), 57, 84.
Dol : see Tearsheet.
Dombledon, Mr., 35-
Dombledons, 84.
Dorcas, 37, 38.
Dorothy : see Tearsheet.
Douglas (Earl of), 5.
Dumb, Mr., the Minister, 53,
Eastcheap, 8, 16, 20, 30, 53, ji, 74,
80, 85 : Boar Tavern in, see
Boar Tavern.
Esculapius : see Aesculapius.
Evans, Sir Hugh (the Welch
Priest), 50, 56, 58: letters from,
to Ann Page, 62-64 : to Sir
John Falstaff, 75-78.
Falstaff, Sir John, ix, xi, xiv, xv,
21, 63, 67, 82, 83 : excommuni-
cation of, 14-15 : disguised as
Maid's Aunt of Brentford, 46
(note) : death of, 96-98.
Letters from, to Prince Henry,
3-4, 5-9, 10-12, 18-20, 96
(fragment) : to Pistol, 20-30,
32-34, 68-70 : to Mrs. Ford,
45-46 : to Mistress Ursula, 56-
57 : to Corporal Bardolph, 71-
74, 79-82 : to Brook, 45-46,
47-48.
Letters to, from Prince Henry,
16-17 : from Pistol, 27-28, 35-
41, 83-85 : from Corporal Nym,
31, 42 : from Mrs. Ford, 43-44 :
from Mrs. Quickly, 51-53, 54-
55 : from Sir Hugh Evans, 75-
78 : combined, from the Wind-
sor Innkeepers, 66-67.
Fates, the three, 28.
Feeble, 4 (note).
Fellow : see Goatherd.
Fenton, Mr., 59, 65, 88.
'Fentum': see Fenton.
Finsmen, 5.
Fleet-ditch, 4.
Fletcher, John, 35 (note}.
Fluellin, Captain, letter from, to
Mrs. Quickly, 97-99.
Ford, Master, 42, 48, 74, 76, 84,
85-
Ford, Mistress Alice, 39 (note),
48, 49, 75 : letters from, to Sir
John Falstaff, 43-44 : letter to,
from Sir John Falstaff, 45-46.
Francis, 71.
French King (Charles VI), 77.
Friar (Tuck), xxvi.
Galen, 76.
Galilean, Sir, 67.
Garter (Inn), host of, 78.
Gaul and Roman : see Roman.
Gaza, gates of, 20.
Glendower, Owen, the Welchman,
19, 41, 77, 88.
Gloucestershire, 31, 36 : Shallow's
seat in, 29, 60.
Goatherd, 36 : deposition by : see
Deposition .
Golden Fleece, 83.
Gower, Captain, 97.
Greenland, 46.
Gybelings (Ghibellines), 6.
Gynes, xxviii.
Haman, Gallows of, 17.
Harcles : see Hercules.
Helen, 82.
Hell, 84.
Henry (King), the Fourth, xii, 21,
22, 23, 29, 30, 39, 40, 54, 56,
57. 69. 75. 77. 97. 9 s -
Henry, Prince of Wales, xxv, 5,
29, 3-?, 71 : letters from, to Sir
John' Falstaff, 16-17 : letters
to, from Sir John Falstaff, 3-
4, 5-9, io-i2, 18-20, 06 (frag-
ment) : from the Bishop of
Worcester, 13-15.
no
Hercules, 66.
Herne's Oak, 44, 45, 46, 48, 50, 66.
Herne the Hunter, 66.
Herodian worms, 27.
Hesperus, 27.
High Priest, Judas and, 7.
Hinchley market, 92.
Hollingshed, 41 (note).
Hotspur : see Percy.
'Ickly, Mistress : see Quickly.
Imps of Parnasse : see Muses.
Ind, Apes of, 27.
'Indsor Forest : see Windsor
Forest.
Innkeepers, Windsor (Bully Rock,
Robin Muns, Peter Pimple,
Arthur Swipes), 67 : combined
letter from, to Sir John Fal-
staff, 66-67.
Iscariot : see Judas.
Iscariot, the Eastcheap, 71.
Jason, 83.
erome, 37.
ob, xxvii.
ohnson's edition of Shakespeare :
see Shakespeare.
!onas, 12.
onson, Ben, 35 (note).
udas Iscariot, 7, 15, 71.
udea, 1 6.
ustice, Lord Chief, of the King's
Bench, 20.
Keech, Mistress, 46.
King Henry the Fourth: see
Henry (King).
King of France : see French King.
King of Wales : see Llewellyn.
Lancaster, House of, 17 (note}.
Lazar, 27, 83.
Lazarus, xxviii.
Lethe, 27.
Little Johns, 23.
Llewellyn, King of Wales, 75.
Lucifer, 27, 84.
Maecenas, 61.
Maid Marian, 84.
Malone, Mr., 35 (note).
Manna, Si.
Maple-eye, Mark, 89, 90.
Marlow, 41 (note).
Marian : see Maid Marian.
Mars, 8.
Martin, 37.
Martlet, Master, 52.
Mecaenas : see Maecenas.
Middleton, Thomas, 32 (note).
Monmouth, Harry : see Henry,
Prince of Wales.
Monmouthshire, 41 (note).
Moses, 81 : Moses and the Mount,
Mouldy, 4 (note).
Muns, Robin : see Innkeepers.
Muses, the, 65.
Nel, 37, 38.
Newgate, 5.
Nich, 37.
Nimrod, 45.
Niobe, 84.
Nym, Corporal, 28, 30, 31, 32, 33,
74, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84: letters
from, to Sir John Falstaff,
31, 42.
Oak, the : see Herne's Oak.
CEson : see .<Eson.
Ottoman, 29.
Oxford, 38 (note).
Page, Ann, 37, 65, 86, 87, go(note\
94 : letters to, from Master
Abram Slender, 58-61 : from
Sir Hugh Evans, 62-64.
Paget, Mistress, 50.
Pandora, box of, 47.
Panza, see Sancho.
Parnasse, Imps of: see Muses.
Partlet, Mistress, 32.
Paul's (St.), 71.
Pelt, the tanner, 21, 26, 69, 70.
Percy, Henry, Earl of North-
umberland, surnamed Hot-
spur, 5, 6, 17, 18, 20, 88.
Perkes, Clement, 24, 25.
Perkins, Jacob, 61.
Phoebus, 65
Phoenix, 33, 84.
Pilgrimage to Rome, 17.
Pimple, Peter : see Innkeepers.
Pistol, 14 (note), 17, 32, 52, 65, 74,
79, 82, 83 : letters from, to
Sir John Falstaff, 27-28, 35,
42, 83-85 : to Abram Slender,
65 : letters to, from Sir John
Falstaff, 29^-30, 32-34, 68-70.
Plenesperm, Alice, 52.
Pluck, Robin, 7, 86.
Pluto, 12, 08.
Poins, Ned, 16, 17, 19.
Pollux : see Castor and Pollux.
Polycarp, xxviiu
Pomegranate Room : see Boar
Tavern.
Pratt, Mistress (Maid's Aunt, also
Wise Woman, of Brentford),
46 (note), 47, 66, 93.
Privy council, 41.
Suickly, Master, xxv, xxvi.
uickly. Mistress (Landlady of
the Boar Tavern, Eastcheap),
xxii, 8, 20, 68, 71 : letters
from, to Sir John Falstaff, 51-
53, 5^-55 : letters to, from
Captain Fluellin, 97-99.
Quickly, Mistress (not of East-
cheap), 59.
Radnor, 41 (note).
Rahab, Master, 53.
Rampant, Ra'ph, 89.
Rehoboam, 56.
Rhadamanth' (Radamanthus), 35.
Robin : see Pluck.
Rock, Bully, 83 ; see also Inn-
keepers.
112
Roman (Papirius, the) and the
Gaul, 16.
Rowen 1 (Rowena), 27, 28, 35, 65.
Rowley, William, 35 (note).
Ruth, 37.
Ryecrop, Hugh, 92.
Sampson, 66, 69.
Sancho Panza, xxviii.
Satan, 16.
Scot and lot, 37.
Scroop, or Scrope, Richard : see
York, Archbishop of.
Scylla, 42.
Shadow, 4 (note).
Shakespeare, xxiv.
Johnson's edition of, 61 (note).
References to Plays of, Henry
IV (Part I), 24 (note), 61
(note). Henry IV (Part II),
83 (note). Merry Wives of
Windsor, 42, 46, 71, 86, 90,
94 (notes).
Shallow, Justice Robert, 3, 4, 6,
7, 8, it, 17, 20, 21, 60, 62 :
deposition taken before, at
Windsor, 36-41 : letters from,
to Davy, 21-23, 90-92 ; letters
to, from Davy : 24-26, 86-89,
00-92.
Shallowe, Mistress, mother of
Slender, 60.
Sheba, Queen of, 45.
Sherwood forest, xxvL
Shortcake, Alice, 89, 95.
Shrewsbury, 13 : battle of, 10 :
clock of, 16.
Silence, Justice, 6, n, 22, 86, 90.
Simple, Peter, servant to Slender,
61, 93.
Slender, Justice Abram, 42, 61, 62,
64, 65 (note), 77, 86, 87, 88,
89, 90, 91 : deposition taken
before, at Windsor, 36-41 :
letters from, to Ann Page, 58-
61 : letters to, from Pistol, 61-
62 : death of, 93-95.
Slender, Sir Simon, 64, 95.
Sneke, Gil, the Weaver, 37.
Snugges, Phil, 89.
Stephen (St.). 45-
Stroud, 88, 93.
Swipes, Arthur : see Innkeepers.
Tacitus (play upon), 86 (note).
Tapster, the : see Bardolph.
Tearsheet, Dorothy, 51, 53, 54, 55,
82.
Thacker, 37.
Thebes, she of : see Niobe.
Thomas, the Apostle 73.
Thomas, Sir, 8b.
"Tolemy, Mr., 53.
Ulysses, 28, 98.
Ursula, Mistress, 5, 54.
Venus, 8.
Visor, William, 21, 25, ?9 91.
Vulcan, 85.
Wales, King of: see Llewellyn.
Wallingford, 41 (note).
Wart, 4 (note).
Welchman : see Glendower.
Welch Priest : see Evans.
William : see Visor.
Windsor, 30, 53, 56, 62, 66, 67, 69,
93: Forest of, 74, 75, 90
(note) : Innkeepers of: see
Innkeepers: Quarry of, 66.
Worcester, Bishop of, 15, 33 :
letter from, to Prince Henry
of Wales, 13-15.
York, Archbishop of (Richard
Scroop), 4 : battle of, 8.
Zeno, xxvii.
Zopyrus, 73.
113
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