THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
~*IJE on the last date stamped below
C32LJ2
,^C-^
'--*/ ^V<3fs
CDjr^t*. rse/&*
SCUT'
UNIVERS ;ALIF0RNIA,
Lit
CALIF.
C 0W TENTS
1. Richardson, Joseph. The fugi-
tive. 1792.
2. Golman, George. The jealous
wife. 1790.
3. Holcroft, Thomas. The road to
ruin. 1792.
4. Gowley, Hannah. A day in Turkey
1792.
5. Norton, Thomas. Columbus.
1792.
6. Inchbald, Elizabeth. I'll tell
you what. 1787.
/
TH8
FUGITIVE:
A
COMEDY.
AS IT IS PERFORMED AT THE
KING'S THEATRE, HAYMARKET.
\
,/Ethmas, lafcive cupis, volitare per aurM
J, FUGE, fed poteris, tutior cffe domi.
MAKTIAL.
48229
LONDON:
PRINTED TOR J. DEBRETT, OPPOSITE BURLINGTOK.
HOUSE, PICCADILLY,
MDCCXClt.
ADVERTISEMENT.
there is no expre/ion of gratitude at
once fo necejjary and fo fufpicious, as that which the
author of a dramatic performance pays to the fe-
veral Ladies and Gentlemen who fupported him in
its representation. He muft pojfefs much more confi-
dence in himfelf than belongs to the author of the
Fugitive, who believes he can infure fuccefs upon the
Stage, without the concurrence of their kindeft and
moft atJive exertions and yet in proportion as ac-
knowledgments are warmly and vividly given, they
are obnoxious to this pqffible imputation that they are
the infidious vehicle of furtive praife to the author^
and nothing more in their fubftance and intention^ than
a circuitous tribute to his own merits for, if all this
excellence was exhibited in the representation, what are
we to fay of the perfen who laid the foundation for it
by his Work ? Does not the author then introduce him-
felf among ft the Dramatis Perfonae and in compact
hut pithy dialogue, not lefs grateful to his ear, than
the happieft effufion which he may have allotted to
a others.
ADVERTISEMENT.
others, fay r , or feem to fay <l Tou bear what eulogies
<c have been pronounced upon the performance- ad-
" mirable character chafte but lively afting, &c.
" &c. Ecce homo ! look at me I am the man
" whofe compofition was the bajis of their merits, and
" to whofe fate writing, in the firjl inftance, they owe
" their fuccefsful performance in the laft." For ex-
ample, when it is affirmed, which is nothing more than
common jujlice andjlrift truth, that the performance of
Mifs FARREN, in tbf representation of the FUGITIVE,
was at once elegant and intelligent, feminine and fcnji-
ble t gracefully ferious and imprejjlvely gay that Mrs.
JORDAN completely demonjlrated to the town, that
parts of tender inter eft are as congenial to her powers,
end more cannot be faid y as charafters of the moft
Jivtly and effective comedy ; or that Mifs POPE with
an admirable dexterity peculiar to herfelf, /hewed
that Jhe could exhibit the humour of vulgar life,
unpolluted by the Jirained and offenjive vulgarity
of its manners that Mrs. HOPKINS, Mrs.
KEMBLE and Mrs. WARD, did ample jujlice to
their parts that, to ufe the words of a liv-
ing writer unrivalled in this department of literature
" no language could do jujlice to the merits of Mr.
KING
ADVERTISEMENT.
KING that the varied whim and rich luxuriance
of PARSONS have not been often more fuccefsfully dif-
flayed even by himfdf that the great and fuperior
powers of Meffrs. PALMER, DODD, BENSLEY,
W ROUGH TON and WEWITZER, fo 'well known in
the diftinft branches of their art, and fo juftly admired
by the Town, were exhibited with their ufual felicity 9
and that all the performers had the jujleft claims on the
approbation and kindnefs of the author when all
this has beenfaid, the queftion at lajl recurs, whether
or no the juft praife which the author has bejlowed
does not Jind Its four ce in injinuated egotijm, and that
under the prefentaticn of gratitude he has been con-
triving a crafty panegyric for himfelf.
The author will not contend with logicians of this
fufpicious caftt and as he cannot prove the opinion which
he entertains of himfdf, will reft content with the con-
fcicus encouragement of his own mind, which perfuades
and ajjures him, that it is poffible/0r an author to do
jujlice to others without the fubtlety of felj -adulation ;
and that there is at leaft one inflame of gratitude
which is not the irregular progeny of conceit,
32
ADVERTISEMENT.
author has a diftinft acknowledgment to
for the liberal attention, the criticifm, and the friendly
zeal of Mr. KEMBLE He has alfo to return his
beft thanks to the fame gentleman for the kind promp-
titude with which he undertook the performance of
Admiral Cleveland at a very fljort notice, and for the
cble manner with which he acquitted himfelf.
PRO.
PROLOGUE
WRITTEN BY RICHARD TICKELL, Esq.
SPOXN BT MR. ANNISTR t JUNIOR.
WHAT perturbation flutters in the breaft
Of the fair Novice, for St. James's dreft !
What almoft equal hopes and fears tranfport
The matron friend that chaperon's her to court!
Clofe to the Palace, as her chair draws near,
The very tafTels feem to quake with fear.
On moves her friend, amid the gathering bands
Of ftars, gold flicks, blue ribbons, and white wands j
With look that canvafs and with pleading air
Befpeaking favour for the ftpnger there ;
Who, clofe behind, while fearfully (he goes,
Peeps thro' her fan, and eyes the obferving beaux*
As, down the labyrinth of filk and lace,
They catch a vifta vifion of her face.
Such are the terrors untried bards difmay.
Thus to this Court, the Prologue leads the Play ;
Aftor and author in one panic join'd ;
I quake before the curtain ; he behind.
And yet, in modern times, the afpiring Wit
Braves but few perils from the well drefs'd pit,
Not as of old, when, train'd to frown and fret,
In murky ftate, the furly fynod met.
Vain of half learning and of foreign rules,
Vamp'd from the jargon of the antient fchools,
In black full-bottom'd wig, the Critic God
Shook his umbrageous curls, and gave the nod !
The pit was then all men how fhrunk the mufe
From thofe bleak rows of overhanging yews !
Unlike the gay parterre we now falute,
That fh.ines at once with bloflbms and with fruit ;
With chequer'd crowds that mingled tafte difpenfe ;
With female foftnefs join'd to manly fenfe.
Here, if ungenerous fpleen fhould ftrive for vent,
Some fair afTociate foothes it to content j
It's rage with promiflbry looks beguiles,
And checks the incipient hifs by well-tim'd fmiles
The
PROLOGUE.
The vanquifli'd critics frown, but foften faft ;
Hifs and look hifs and look hifs and look and clap
at latt.
Oh ! if each fterner judge thus mildly view
The poet's toils, what can he dread from you ?
From forms with fympathetic foftnefs join'd ;
From features fafhion'd to the lovlier mind ;
From eyes, where gentlenefs has fix'd her throne j
From rofeate lips, that move in fmiles alone-
Well may the Fugitive with hope appear,
When every blended grace gives refuge here.
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Lord Dartford
Sir William Wingrove
Mr. Wingrove
Old Manly -,
Young Manly
Admiral Cleveland
Mr. Welford
Jenkins
Larron
O'Donnel
William
Servant
WOMEN.
Mrs. Manly
Mifs Herbert
Mifs Julia Wingrove
Mifs Manly
Mrs. Larron
Mrs. Rachel Cleveland
Mr. DODD.
Mr. BENSLEY.
Mr. WROUGHTON.
Mr. PARSONS.
Mr. PALMER.
Mr. KING.
Mr. BARRYMORE.
Mr. MADDOX.
Mr. WEWITZER,
Mr. PHILLIMORE.
Mr. BENSON.
Mr. BANKS.
Mrs. HOPKINS.
Mifs FARREN.
Mrs. JORDAN.
Mrs. KEMBLE.
Mifs POPE.
Mrs. WARD,
THE
FUGITIVE
A
COMEDY.
ACT I.
SCENE I. An Apartment in Sir. WILLIAM
WING ROVE 'j Houfe.
Enter Sir WILLIAM and Mifs JULIA WINGROVE.
LET me intreat you, fir, to hear me let rea-
fon be my advocate.
Sir William. Reafon, Julia! You know 'tis
my delight, my glory. What conftitutes the
pre-eminence of man, but his reafon ? 'Tis, like
the facred virtue of high blood, a natural exalta-
tion, of which we can never lofe the advantage,
but by voluntary degradation, or perverfe mifufe
What but reafon is the foundation of my pre-
ference for Lord Dartford ? Is he not of a family
as ancient, even as my own ?
B Julia;
2 THE FUGITIVE:
Julia. Did Lord Dartford inherit any of the
virtues, which, probably, acquired thofe highly
valu'd honours of his anceftry, my father might
have iome caufc to regret that his daughter's incli-
nations were at enmity with her duty.
Sir William. And where, madam, have you
learnt, that the fplendor of Lord Dartford's family
fuffers any diminution in his own perfon ?
Julia. Where fome of the happieft years of my
life have been pafil-d, fir, at my dear deceafed
aunt's.
Sir William. Mr. Manly, now, I dare fay,
had not the leaft mare in producing this averfion to
Lord Dartford.
Jul.a. Mr. Manly, fir! Mr. Manly wou'd
fcorn nor can it ever be neceffary for him to
raife his own character by a ufelefs degradation of
Lord Dartford.
Sir William. Aye, aye, now we have it I
thought what (hare the eloquence of your aunt had
had in this apoftacy from the faith of your an-
ceftors Mr. Manly, it feems, has contrived to
make fo fuccefsful a monopoly of all the virtues,
that there does not remain even the leavings of an
accomplimment for any other perfon. But fince I
defpair of making you enter into the juft views of
your family, by dutifully confenting, as you ought,
to marry a man for the revered merit ot his blood,
your brother (hall try, whether your young fpark
be not compofed of more practicable materials.
Julia. For heaven's fake, dear fir, forego this
What muft be the confequence of their meeting?
Sir William. If you have any objection to the
interview, you know how to prevent it.
"Julia. Oh, fir, do not force me to fo dreadful
an alternative. I will, if you require it, bind
myfelf by the mcfl folemn engagements to give up
tl
A C O M E D Y. 3
all thoughts of Mr. Manly, only let me no more
be perfecuted with the addrefies of Lord Dartford.
Sir William. Nay, now I mud believe you ;
for where has it been recorded that an enamonr'd
damfel evr r broke a promife to an old father, when
given at the expence of a young lover ? For once,
however, you muft excufc rr.e, if I am a little
difobedient to the authority of precedent, and
endeavour to find fome better fecurity for the
honour of my family, even than your love-fick
renunciation of the object of your affections.
Julia. Yet, fir, hear me.
Sir William. I do hear you But firft tell me
why have I preferved you, fincethe deceafe of your
aunt, from all intercourfe with the world, with
the fingle exception of the friendfhip of Mil's Her-
bert, whofe approaching alliance with your bro-
ther, gives her a common intereft in the luftre of
our houfe r Why have I, like a fond parent, for-
bid you fociety ? Kept you facred from the arts of
our fex and the more dangerous follies of your own
-lock'd you up and guarded you, like the archives
of my own family, that you might increafe in value,
as you advanc'd in years? Why ? but to fecure
you from the contagion of a degenerate world
who feel more anxiety about the means of fupport-
ing new families, than awful reverence for the names
of old ones, and would meanly thrive by plebeian
indnftry, rather than diet on the rich recollection
of their immortal anceftry.
Julia. But my dear father, juft now, kindly
condefcended to lay he would luffer me to reafon
with him on this fubjedt. Can birth, alone, entitle
a man to the high diftinction you fpeak of ?
And furely Lord Dartford
Sir William. Grant me patience, heaven I Do
you call in queftion the prudence of my choice ?
Ungrateful Julia, never more will I hear you on
B 2 this
4 THE FUGITIVE:
|
this fubject and now attend my final determina*
tion To-morrow you marry Lord Dartford.
Julia. To-morrow, fir! You will not
Sir William. Pofitively to-morrow neither re
monftranccs, nor tears mail fway me from my
determin'd purpofe. I leave you now to your
reflections, and go to adjuft the neceflary prelimi-
naries of a ceremony, that will recall you, incon-
fiderate girl, to duty and to reafon. [Exit.
Julia. Is it poffible! Can my father thus mut
his heart to the diftrefies of his Julia My bro-
ther too, happy in his own affections, not only
abandons me to the interefted rigour of his cruel
ambition, butaffifts and animates him in the pro-
fecution of his views. Wretched ! friendlefs
Julia Whither wilt thou turn ! *Ah Manly,
that amidft the various excellencies of thy heart
there is yet a carelefs generofity in thy nature
an irregular, though not ungraceful excefs in thy
very virtues, which, though it neither forbids
efteem, nor damps affection! yet gives the alarm
to delicacy, and checks tr^e full pleaiure of a fearlefs,
unfufpeding confidence were it not for this, I
think I could not deny myfelf with rhee a willing
afylum from the feverities of this domeuic perfecu-
tion. [Exit*
SCENE II. Sir William's Garden,
Enter Young MANLY.
Young Manly. Thus far, I have atchicv'd my
purpofe without difcovery what a devil of a wall
have I had to icramble up *o obtain even the
chance ot an interview The fulky grandeur of
your ancient battlements was always the difficulty,
and the glory of an enamour'd hero But what can
the maddeft of the mcft venerable lads of chivalry
lay
A C O M E D Y. 5
lay claim to, that does not to the full as reafon-
ably belong to me ? I have all their hopes with all
their apprehensions, all their fears with all their
confidence All their weaknefs with all their for-
titude So I think it cannot be denied but that I
poflefs as many good, iound contradictions in my
character as the beft of them I have not indeed
the gift of waiting that thofe gentlemen had, for I
begin already to feel impatient at Julia's delay.
Would I cou'd gain but a diftant glimpfe of her,
or hear one ftrain of her enchanting voice dear
melodious voice ! foft as a lover's Ugh embodied
into mufic, and fweet as the infpired eloquence of
a confenting fmile But foft ! foft ! (he approaches,
and in tears! let me endeavour to learn the caufe
of them, before I make my appearance; what
muft he be compofed of, and what does he not
deferve, who has been prophane enough to excite
them. [Retires behind a tree.
Enter JULIA, and feats herfelf in an alcove.
Julia. Here let me reft awhile, and endeavour
to colled: my fcattered thoughts. Could it be be*
Jieved that my father, ftri<5t as his general notions
of honour are, Ihould think of forcing me to be-
come the wife of a man whom my foul abhors!
Toung Manly. Forcing thee !
Julia. When, too, he is convinc'd of my being
attach'd to another.
Toung Manly. To another !
Julia. I think he love* me.
Toung Manly. I am fure he does that is if I am
he.
Julia. He is kind and generous, capable of the
moft ardent, and difmterefted paffion.
Toung Manly. It muit be me.
Julia, But he has faults, great faults.
Toung
i THE FUGITIVE:
Young Manly. Now I am fure 'tis me.
Julia. I dread the levity of his nature Oh
Manly, Manly, why cannot 1 truft thee.
Young Manly. I am fure I can't tell. .
Julia. How gladly cou'd I owe the relief of my
prefent afflictions to thy kindnefs, but for the
dread of being afterwaids expofed to the feverer
calamity of thy indifference. Oh why, why,
Manly, canno' I confidein thee !
Young Manly [comes forward]. Why indeed!
Dear generous Julia, banifh thefe apprehenfions,
I never can injure truth, innocence, and beauty
like thine
Julia. Mr. Manly ! How you have alarm'd me!
What a rafh ftep is this But fly, I conjure you ,
if you have any regard for my happinels fly.
Young Manly. Fly, Julia ? Yes, fwiftcr than a
lover's thought ; but you muft be the partner of
my flight.
Julia. You cannot furely be ferious.
Young Manly. So ferious that I (hall not flir one
fingle ftep without you Julia, Julia, this is no
time for trifling or for ceremony. To be candid with
you, I have overheard you, and if I deferve pu-
nilhment for the involuntary offence, referve it
till the danger is over that threatens you.
Julia. Indeed, Mr. Manly, your generous con-
cern for me leaves me as little right, as I have in-
clination to be levere, but there-tore it is I intreat
you to quit this fcene of danger You know the
fury of my re'ations.
Young Manly. Nay, Julia, I care not how foon
J go As we depart together you cannot reafon-
ably fufpect me of being an advocate for delay.
Julia. What can you mean ?
Young Manly. Mean ! Why to decide my fate
on the iflftant Either to follow you as your
humble
ACOMEDY. 7
humble flave through the wide world of happinefs,
for it can have no place in it forbidden to delight
while you are with me, or meet with refignation,
on the fpot, the bittereft refentment of your vin-
dictive family.
Julia. Oh ! Manly, give me not fuch a fatal
proof of your affection I will confider of your
propofal by to-morrow but go now, I befeech you.
Toung Manly. Not a ftep If I am ftubborn,
Julia, you are my example. I have not often
fuch authority for my conduct I will not quit
you till I am affured of your deliverance from this
unnatural tyranny.
Julia. Hear me for a moment I do not wiih
to conceal from you how much my gratitude ia
interefttd in your fafety The embarrafiment of
my prefent fituation, added to this dangerous evii
dence of your attachment, will, I hope, in fome
meafure, excufe me for the confeffion I am about
to But indeed, Sir, indeed what mall I fay ?
A womanifh apprehenfion prevails over my tongue,
and fways it from the direction of my heart, in
fpite of me Indeed, I cannot go with you Cha-
racter, prudence, duty forbid it.
Toung Manly. I confefs, madam, I was prepared
to expect more candour, and more decifion from
the lips of Mifs Wingrove.
Julia. Dear Manly, I thank you for this rebuke
it brings me back to myfelf fomething muft
be allowed to the fond agitation of a woman'-s fears
but they are gone ; Love himfelf, unfriendly as
he is to truth, yet fmiles propitioufly upon a flow
obedience to it at laft. Meet me at one, in the
avenue before our houfe > and then with more fafety
to my Henry, as well as more fecurity to our en-
terprize, I will refign myfelf and all my hopes to
your faithful guidance.
Toung
8t THE FUGITIVE:
Toung Manly. Deareft Julia, on my knees 1
thank you I am opprefled at once with love and
gratitude It is needlefs to fay with what anxious,
vigilant punctuality, I will obey your mandate
with what idolatry of fubmifllve affe&ion, I will
watch over every rifing thought, and half- formed
object of your future life. [-Rifes.~\ From this
moment, then, difmifs all apprehenfion of your
Henry's levity, and be fatisfied that
Julia. I am fatisfied Surely, I have proved I
am fo But interefting as your converfation always
is, and on this theme fraught with peculiar en-
dearment, I muft deprive myfelf of it You muft
go pray obey me now My turn for obedience
approaches faft. Remember.
Young Manly. Can I forget the confecrated mo-
ment ! Adieu, ever deareft, till then.
Julia. Adieu, dear Manly. [Exeunt.
SCENE III. L ord Dartford's Houfe.
Enter LORD DARTFORD, followed by JENKINS*
Lord Dart ford. Jenkins, does Sir William know
of my arrival here ?
'Jenkins. He does, my lord,
Lord Dartford. Well, I fuppofe I muft: pay the
firft vifit But hold, mould not I brufh up my
ftyle a little, to enable me to undergo this en-
counter of genealogy ? No I believe there is no
occafio.i ; the fecret lies in a fhort compafs Pe-
digree's the word and one of your real accurate
lovers of hiftorical virtu will believe any thing
And fo, we'll truft to chance and the affiftance of
fuch convenient abfurdities-as may happen to ariie
[/* knocking at the door.'] But fee who's there,
Jenkins.
[Jenkins goes, and introduces Sir William Wingrovc.
Sir
ACOMEDY. 9
Sir William. I hope, my lord, my prefence, thus
unannounced, does not interrupt any of your lord-
fhip's weightier concerns.
Lord Dartford. It is impofiible that the favour
of Sir William Wingrove's company can ever be
felt as an intrufion.
Sir William. Your lordfhip is kindnefs itfelf
\Theyfit down~\ It is a doubtful point with me,
my lord, in the alliance which is upon the eve of
accomplifhment, by which party the honour will
be given or received.
Lord Dartf:rd. So he's off already there's but
one way for me I mould ill deferve my good
fortune, Sir William, were I not fenfible that the
honour and the happinefs are both eminently mine.
Sir William. Why, my lord, that is by no means
a clear cafe I perceive that your lordfhip pof-
fefles a very competent knowledge of the antiquity
of our family i but to deal candidly with you, I
believe yours takes its rife nearly about the fame
time pretty nearly, that is to fay I mean within
a century of us, or fome fuch trifle I dare fay it
does ; for the Dartford family may be very clearly
traced to the conqued.
Lord Dartford The conqueft, Sir William, is
modern It is not long fince I perufed a valuable
manufcripr, that makes very honourable mention
of the Wingroves, in one of the remoter reigns of
the Saxon Heptarchy.
Sir William. Could your lordlhip procure me a
fight of that manufcript ? The favour will be
infinite.
Lord Dartford. Sir William may rely upon it,
that if my friend can be prevailed upon to refign
the parchment, I mail be happy in promoting his
wifh. {Afide.~\ And if he does, his politenefs muft
C pofitively
io THE FUGITIVE:
pofitively be of a moft accommodating caft, to
enable him to part with what he never had.
Sir William. In one of the remoter reigns of the
Saxon Heptarchy ! Is it poflible ! But why not
pofiible ? To what times may not the family of
the Wingroves be traced by the laudable diligence
of learned enquiry ? Even up to the dark periods
of early nature, of rudenefs, ignorance, and bar-
barity, where Knowledge fails us, and Hiftory
herfelf is loll in the confufion of her materials.
[ Mtifes.
Lord Dartford. Now will he not be content till
he has purlued his high birth to the illuftrious
parentage of a favage, and drawn the boafted
ftream of his pure blood from the polluted leavings
of the deluge.
Sir William. Now, my lord, to bufinefs The
fifty thoufand pounds which I purpofe as my
daughter's dower, is but a fmall, and indeed in-
adequate compenfation for the honour of your
dignified alliance Happy, but too happy, mould
we all feel ourfelves, if her inclinations accorded
with our wifties, and acquiefced in the brilliant
provifion we have made for her But (he is pen-
verfr, my lord, unaccountably perverfe Yet fub-
mit me mail, and that without delay I am fixed,
immutably fixed But if your lordfhip will do me
the honour to accompany me to my houfe, I will
there explain to your lordfhip the difficulties we
have to encounter, and the expedients we have
provided to overcome them Nay, my lord.
[Contending on the etiquette of precedency.
Lord Dartfcrd. Impofiible, Sir William! mere
title is adventitious, birth inherent. [Exeunt.
SCENE
A COMEDY. ii
SCENE IV, The Road, with a diftant View of
Sir William Wingrovts Houfe.
Enter YOUNG MANLY, fmgitig.
Toung Manly. Was there ever fuch a happy,
unlucky dog as myfelf happy beyond the narrow
bounds of mortal imagination in the love of my
Julia but horribly unlucky, that the certainty and
near approach of my felicity has quite bereft me
of my fenfes Juft as I had abandoned myfelf to
defyair, to be raifed in one delicious half-hour to
the fummit of Oh ! egad there's no bearing
it ! 1 fhall run mad I am mad, that's certain.
[Sings and dances.
Enter ADMIRAL CLEVELAND,
Admiral. So, fo there's young Frolickfome in
his whirligigs What, 'Squire Madcap, are you
praclifing how to make a fool of yourfelf ?
Don't take fo much trouble, young man-, you can
fucceed pretty well without fo much pains.
Toung Manly. Ha ! my old man of war give
me your hand When mall you and I go upon a
voyage to the
Admiral. To the moon, Eh! young Frefli-
water? Why, you feem to be in her latitude al-
ready ; or have you been (lowing in a frelh lading
of champagne ?
Toung Manly. Your fir ft conjecture is perhaps a
little near the mark; for my underftanding, 1 be-
lieve, is rather upon the go ; but as for champagne
curfe champagne.
Admiral. What then you have been in a tight
engagement at play, and have brought the enemy
to A'nt that it, my young (hark ?
Tcung Manly. No, no, my heart of oak; I defy
the power of gold to diforder my fenfes But,
C 2 what
12 THE FUGITIVE:
what do you think, my noble commander, of gain-
ing the woman one loves. Can your old weather-
beaten fancy conceive any joy equal to that ?
Admiral. Why, I don't think I can ; unlefs it
be feeing an eremy's fliip ftrike , and that does
give the fenfes a whirl that none but a feaman can
be a judge of.
Young Manly. Why then, as I am a ftranger to
naval fenfations, the pleafure of being beloved by
an angel, muft ierve my turn When conquered
beauty prepares to yield when willing love itrikes
the n\-g that's the whirl for my money.
Admiral. Well, that's good-natured, however,
to rejoice at the thoughts of an engagement, where
you are lure to have the word on't ?
Toung Manly. Dear admiral, had I but known
you when I was a boy.
Admiral. What then ?
Toung Manly. Then? Do you afk me what
then? Oh, Julia!
" My foul hath her confent fo abfolute,
" That not another comfort like to this
" Succeeds in unknown fate."
Admiral. Poor young man Well, my lad, when
your wits are at anchor, though I fear the veffcl's
too crazy ever to fee port again, you and I may
drink a can together till then, your fervant.
Toung Manly. Nay, nay, don't go yet.
[Dancing,
Admiral. Why, darrjn you, you vere about fo,
one might as well look for anchorage in a whirl-
pool, as think to hold a parley with you.
Young Manly. Well, come then, 1 will be ferious
Do you ever pray at fea, admiral ?
Admiral. Why, what mould we pray for ? Ex-
cept, indeed, when there's danger in the wind, and
then, to be fure, that alters the cafe,
Young
fe
A C O M E D Y. 13
Manly* Well, now, there lies your error.
Admiral, Error ! meaning me. You ?
Young Manly. Aye! I hold it fuc'h an abomi-
nable ignorance of duty.
Admiral. Ignorance of duty! why, you pala-
vering whipper fnapper, am I to be taught my
duty, after having had the command of a fleet,
by fuch a freaking fon of a whore as you ?
Young Manly. Nay, but why fo hot, my good
friend ? You cannot think I meant to offend you ?
Admiral Not mtan to offend, when you tell me
I don't kn.:w how to command? Ignorance of
duty, indeed Out of my way, you live lumber-
Damn you, I only thought you were mad, but
now I find you're a fool. [Exit.
Young Manly. Ha! ha! ha! At any other
time I mould have been a good deal vexed to have
offended old True Blue, that's certain-, but at this
moment my heart's fo cronded with fenfations of
mirth and joy with fuch a confufed jumble of
contending raptures with fo much delighc at
what has already pafled, and fuch a maddening
anticipation of what is yet to come, that no thought
of apprehenfive care can obtain fanctuary in my
bofom. My dear Julia, my own Julia ! Oh !
that idea overpowers n e with transport Gad fb,
there's Sir William If I ftay here much longer,
playing the fool, I mail be obferved by fome of
the family, and then adieu to all my hopes-
What mail I do? I'll return to the Star Inn,
which is juft in view of the houfe, and deceive
the tedious interval with my companions whom I
left there, till my fair day ftar anfes, that leads
me to new life, to happinels and love. [Exit.
END OF ACT FIRST.
14 THE FUGITIVE:
ACT II.
SCENE I. A nearer View of Sin. WILLIAM WIN-
GROVE'S Houfe. (Moon-light.)
Enter JULIA. She opens the Door gently ; and after
an [Appearance of Irrefolution, Jluts it after her.
She (hen comes forward.
Ju'ia.
SO, now my fate's decided ! What have I done ?
I dare not think upon it If Manly now
deceives me, I am undone Shall I go back ? and
confent to be the wife of Lord Dartford thae
muft follow for but too well I know, that ten-
dernefs never yet prevailed upon the ftern am-
bition of my father's nature But why mould I
doubt my Henry's unftained honour ? Though
he is wild, whom did he ever wrong ? Pardon,
dear Manly pardon the unjuft fufpicion of thy
Julia and ice he comes to clear my heart of doubti
\Manly Jings without.
Oh, Gracious Heaven, is this the man I've chofen
to be the guardian of my honour Fly, fly, rny
feet let me but reach my father's The door is
faft ; I have now no hope left, unlefs the wild
confufion that wir.e has made in him, prevent his
obierving me. Heaven grant it may.
[Conceals herftlf he hind a tree> and
draws a veil over her face.
Enter YOUNG MANLY fwging.
<e Heighten every joy to-day, and never mind
*' to-morrow."
Aye, fo fay I The prefent the prefent is the
only time that's worth a wife man's concern why
fhould we give ourfelves any trouble about to-
morrow, when we don't know that to-morrow will
ever
A 00 M E D y. r 5
ever reach us ? or that we (hall reach it, which
is pretty nearly the fame thing, I take it j and then
there is juft fo much good care thrown away.
Fore Heaven, the man that wrote that fong muft
have been a molt profound perfon That fingle
line ought to have immortalized him It mall be
my motto. [SYwgj.
" Why the plague mould we be fad,
Whilit on earth we moulder;
Whether we're merry, or grave, or mad,
We every day grow older."
'Sdeath, the ground's full of rocks and quick-
fands, I think-, my feet either fink or (tumble at
every (tep What can be the reafon ? I that am
fo (teady a goer always, always was all my life
Egad, I believe the thickets are going to dance
May be, they miftake me for Orpheus Nay,
gentlemen, if you pay fuch a compliment to my
finging, I can do no lefs than take a turn with
you 1 am as froliclbme as you can be for the
foul of you So now, let me chufe my partner,
[Catches at a free, behind 'which Julia is
concealed, who Jhruks.
By all the fylvan powers, another Daphne. {Kneels.
Madam, behold a fwain, not altogether fo mufical
as Apollo, I grant you, but a good honeft fellow
for all that So, madam, fo p(ha, never mind
more words let us go.
'Julia. Oh, my hard fortune ?
Manly. What do you fay ? Speak out, my an-
gel I know that your voice is more tuneful than
Philomel's, or mine that your eyes are the fpark-
ling harbingers of love that your dimples are the
chofen hiding-places of all the Cupids and thofe
lips! But hold rot it I had forgot I can't
fee e'er a one of them Never mind no matter
for that I dare fay it's all true ; and if it isn't,
why then we muft mend the matter with thinking.
Julia.
16 THE FUGITIVE:
Julia Oh, heavens ! is it pofllble !
Toung Manly. No, certainly it cannot be pof-
fible it is'n't poffible Come, come, I know you
are kind as you are beautiful, and fo it is pof-
fible and fo, without more wafte of time, come
to my arms, and
Julia. It is in vain to reafon with him in this
ftate I muft endeavour to divert his attention,
and by that means efcape him if I can. If you
will permit me to be your guide
Toung Manly. Enough, my pretty pilot-, take
me where you will. We will never part any more,
fhall we ? No, never.
Julia. I dare fay not, fir.
Toung Manly, Not, fir ? Why to be fure not,
fir Never, never, never.
Julia. Let us walk quickly. [Afide.~\ Oh !
Heaven, aflift me.
Toung Manly > As quick as you pleafe, my
angel I'll fly, if you chufe, for I'm very fteady,
and very loving. [Exeunt.
SCENE II. A Wood.
Eyter JULIA.
Julia. At length, thank Heaven, I have efcaped
efcaped but is this a place of fafety ! What
will become of me ? Yet 'tis fome comfort, that
the day appears Oh, Manly, thou haft made life
hateful to me. Who comes here ? I've furely
feen his face. Oh ! I remember I have feen him
fometimes at my aunt's, with lace and gauzes If
he mould not know me, perhaps 1 may prevail on
him to conceal me He has a wife, I know. Let
me confider what I mail fay to him.
Enter LARRON (with bundles.)
Defe villain Cuftome-houfe Officers give von
honed man no refte You go to bed late you
rife
A C O M E D Y. 17
frife early pardie you fit up all night it make
ho difference, dey vii be vid you Ma foi, I bdieve
dey tink fleep contrabande \ fees Julia.] Ah! par
St. Dominique, here be von young ladi en great
agitation Ah! par hazard her equipage eft un
peu derange, and me be retire here till tout foit
ajufte a litte'l civilitie de ma parte, me produira
peutetre beaucoup de pratique on de ladi's En
verite de torough bred trader know how to faire
fon profit de chaque circonftance -Madame,
excuie but you feem beaucoup afflige fi Madame
if I can by de utmoft exertion of mine con-
tribuer en de fm all ell inftance to votre accomo-
dation, I mall confider de fortune vick led me dis
vay, as de plus grande felicite de ma vie, de greateft
happinefs of my life.
Julia. He fpeaks very civilly j I think I may
vemure to tell him fo much of my unhappy fitua-
tion, as may let him know how much I need his
affiftance.
Larron. Madam, you no anfere May I beg de
faveur to be informe, if I can merite 1'honneur de
vous rendre le moind re fervice? Your fervants,
Madame, ave you any littel meflage to convey to
dem ? May I hope you vill permit a me de vous
efcorter a votre carofle ?
Julia. Sir, you miftake the matter entirely I
have neither coach, fervants, nor friends at prefent
The cruelty of one in whom I moft confided,
has involved me in this calamity, and I muft.
thankfully avail myfelf of your obliging ofFtrs of
fervice, by entreating the flicker of your roof, till
I can difpofe of myfeif, fo as not to be an incum-
brance to a,ny one.
Larron. Eh, my dear vat you fay ? You no
coche, no fervantes, no friend, no houfe, no home,
you vant to come and live a vid me ? Non, non,
ma fille datvill not do non, non Dere be de
D vat
I* THE FUGITIVE:
vat do you call ? de maifon d'induftrie, de vork-
houfe for de poor girl Perfonne go to ray houfe,
but fuch as peut faire une belle depenfe.
Julia. [Afide.~\ Mercenary wretch f [Going.
Larron. Holla f you littel girl you tell me,
can you vorke? Suppofe dat I vas to take pitie
upon your condition, can you pay me velldere-
ibre?
Julia. What mall I fay ? I muft bear with his
low impertinence, to induce him to give me a
Ihelter. [70 Larron.] I can, fir, embroider neatly,
and make lace.
Larron. Oh pardie, you be von littel bufy beef
You can make love, too. Can you not, my dear ?
Julia. Infupportable ! If, Sir, you confider the
favour you feemed inclined to confer, as a fandlion
for your impertinent freedom, 1 muft beg you to
leave me to my misfortunes.
Larron. Comme vous voulez, ma fille dere not
be many dat vill take you in You may meet vicJ
fome, if you flay here long, dat vill make you
vorfe offer.
Julia. That's too true \ If I get to his houfe,
his wife will protect me from his odious fami-
liarity I muft try to make my peace. [ToLarrtx.l
Perhaps, Sir, I have been too hafty. If you will
conduct me to your houfe, I fliall confider it as an
obligation which I mail endeavour by my utmoft
induftry to repay.
Larron. Ha, hah! You fay fo ? Veil den I
viM tink about it. \Afide.~\ She poor, me pretty,
ihe vorke Mais elle eft fiere com me une princeffe
Veil, I vill have her She be von fille dat know
devorld; it fave fo much trouble She be von
pauvre innocente, my glory vill be de greater.
[To Julia.'} You be good girl, and I vill take you
I vill inform you vat you fay to my vife as ve
go along,
A C O M E D Y. * 9
Julia. How one rafh ftep has involved rne in a
labyrinth of difficulties I fee no end to it ; yet
dare not tread back the way I've gone. [To Lar-
wn.] Very well, Sir.
Larron. Veil, you hold up your head You not
be fo caft down. Tenez you carry dis bondel
you valk firft If you fee un homfne dat look like
von officer des cuftome, you run flraight forward
till you come to de ftile, and vait dere for me.
Julia. Excufe me, Sir ; I cannot confent to be
employed in any unfair tranfaclion.
Larron. Vat you not fmogel for me, petite in-
grate ? Muft 1 not fmogel for you ? Muft I not
run you upon my vife ? Are you not von littej
piece of contrabande vous meme? You fee, my
dear, you have to deal vid von bel efprit but
prenez courage, I vill not be too hard vid you
A ca you vill do ver veil by and by. \Exeunt.
SCENE III. SIR WILLIAM WINGROVE'J Houfe.
Enter Mr. WINGROVE.
Mr. Wwgrcye, How powerful is the influence
of prejudice. My reafon convinces me that there
is no other juft criterion for deciding upon the
merits of men, but fuch as grows out of their own
perfonal good or iU properties. If it were true,
that the qualities of the parent were tranfmitted to
the progeny, then, iadefd, it might be gs necefiary
to eftablifh the genealogy of a man, as to afcertain
the pedigree of a horfe, 3ut the properties of the
mind elude the frail laws of hereditary defcent,
and own no fort of obedience to their authority
How is it, then, tjiat with this diftincl: light before
me, I cannot help falling into my father's pre-
judices? I feel them to be unjuft; I know them
to be abfurd : and yet, unjuft and abfurd as they
, they influence my conduct in fpite of me.
P 2 I love
2D THE FUGITIVE:
I love my lifter I know her affections are engaged
to Young Manly I am fatisfied he is worthy of
her Yet I am adverfe to the match, and confpire
with my father in throwing every obltacle in the
way of its completion, and in favour of whom ?
Of Lord Dartford, a man void of feeling, fen-
timent, or fir.cerjty uniting in him every con-,
tradition of depravity; cold, gay, oftentatious,
and interefted But he is a man of birth Defpi,
cable diftinclion.
Enter O'DONNEL.
O'DonneL Oh, Sir, Sir ! my young matter--*
the houfe is in an uproar, Sir, Sir.
Mr. Wingrove. Well, Sir, what's the matter ?
(yDcnnd Oh ! I don't know what's the mat-
ter, Sir , my young lady's the matter, Sir We're
a'l undone, Sir -She's gone, Sir Nobody knows
where, Sir,
Mr. Wingrove* My fitter gene ! impofiible
Degenerate Julia! Is it thus you reward the kind,
the anxious zeal of your friends to place, you in
a ficuation woithy the exalted regard they enter-
tained for you ; to throw yourfelf away upon the
rman preunfn ns of a plebeain But where is
mv rather ? Let me fly to him with the news of
this difafter. [Exit.
Enter Sir WILLIAM, with fin; ants.
&r Willf'-nj. I'll not believe that me is gone
ccnc! What my daughter 'eloped at midnight!
Go ail ot you and iVurch again I am certain flie
is hid fomtwhere.
'O'Donnef. Suppofe your honour then was to
order tbe ta f 1 Jnd the fifh-poi.ds to be farched,
ft r I am crrtain if me be hid, ic muft be at the
bottom of one oi
A C O M E D Y. 21
Sir William. Be dumb, horrible brute WoulcJ
you have me think Did I ever give her caufe
Was I not ever the fondeft of 'parents ?
O'Donnel. Saninly, your honour meant it all for
her good. But when a young lady finds nothing
to plafe her in this world, me is apt fometimes
to take a peep into the other to try the difference.
Sir William. Begone I fay find her, or I'll dif-,
charge you all for your negligence in fuffering her
to eicape. [Extf. O'Donnel and fervanis:'] The
conjectures of this blundering blockhead terrify
me I hope Julia has not in a fit of rafli perverfeT-
fiefs Yet I think her piety
Re-enter Mr. WING ROVE.
Well, William, any news of your filler.
Mr. Wingrove, No, fir, no news but of her
dilhonour, difgraceful girl !
Sir William.' O*Donnel alarms me exceedingly
he thinks that in a phrenzy of difappointed paffion
(he has-
Mr. Wingrovc, No, my dear fir, Julia is not
fo weary of life The porter tells me he found all
the doors leading to the road unbarr'd this morn-
ing. Wou'd I cou'd difcover whether me had a
companion in her flight If fte be not recovered
fpeedily the difgrace will be indelible Lord
Dartford will be here foon. What (hall we fay to
him ? Oh ! mamelefs Julia.
Sir William. Forbear, my fan thefe violent
tranfports diftrefs me even more than your filler's
flight Confider that it is thro* you the pure blood
of oar family muft defcend to pofterity that
thro' you the name of Wingrove muft be tranf-
rrfctted to ages as diftant and unknown as thofe
from whence it fprung. Reflect a little, my fon,
bring reafon to your aid, and confider how trifling
and
K. THE FUGITIVE:
and infignificant are the misfortunes of your fifter,
compared to objects /o important, and fo facred as
theft Becalm then, William.
Mr. Wingrove. I will endeavour it, fir.
Sir. William. If you were to go toMifs Herbert's,
her acquaintance is fo extenfive, you perhaps may
obtain fome information of Julia there Go, go,
pray fon.
jWr. JFingrovc. I obey you, fir. [Exit.
JLntcr O'DONNEL.
Q*DomieL Lord Dartford, your honour.
Sir William. He has not been inform'd of my
daughter's abfence ?
O'Dotmel. No, your honour; not a fy liable has
keen fpoken to him fince he entered the houfe.
Sir William. Where is he now ?
O'Donnel. In the faloon, fir, in arneft difcourfe
with your honour's chaplain.
Sir William. Blockhead ! I'll go to him then.
[Exit.
O'Donnef. Oh ! 'tis a pretty blundering piece of
bufmefs fait. Devil burn me, but if I didn't tink
how it wou'd end. There's nothing fo fure to
make a young lady run away, as keeping her faft
by the heels O if I had a wife that I wanted to
get rid of, fait, I wou'd keep her fafe under lock
and key. [Exit.
SCENE IV. Mifs HERBERT'; houfe.
Enter Mifs HERBERT, and Mrs. RACHEL CLEVE-
LAND.
Mifs Herbert. Mifs W T ingrove elop'd aunt ?
Heaven grant it may be true ! and that thole to
whom me has fled for refuge may befenfible of her
rocrittho ? J think I can guefs the perfon.
A C OM E*D Y. 23
i
"Mrs. Racket. I have heard it fuppofed that
young Mr. Manly had a place in her affedions if
he is the protector (lie has made choice of, I fear the
lady's character, and the young man's life are in
equal danger.
Mifs Herbert. The adventure wears a much left
formidable afpeft to me, 1 confefs, provided fhe
efcapes her father's purfuit Oh how I (hall enjoy
the vexation of Sir William and his fon, at finding
all the views of their perfecuting ambition, thus
happily difappoimed.
Mrs. Rachel. Nay, Harriett, now I think yoa
do not fpeak with your ufual fincerity Mr. Win-
grove I am perfuaded is not indifferent to you.
Mifs Herbert. Dear aunt, you are partly right,
and partly wrong. Mr. Wingrove has, I acknow-
ledge, touch'd my heart a little, but the conta-
gion has not yet made its way to my head for
tho' the little god may have thrown away upon
me, an idle arrow, or fo, he has kept his bandage
as an embellishment to his own perfon : I can fee
the failings of my fwain as well as another.
Mrs. Rachel. You're a mad girl.
Enterafervant.
Servant. Mr," Wingrove, madam.
Mifs Herbert. Defire him to walk up
[Exit, fervant.']
Now I muft teaze him a little do not oppofe me
my dear aunt. I've a mind to lead him to be-
lieve, that his fifter is under my protection this
will ferve her, by flopping further purfuit for a
while, and at the fame time put him into a moft
entertaining rage with me.
Enter Mr. WINSROVE.
But dear madam, have you been kind enough to
fee
44 THE 'FUGITIVE:
fee that every avenue to the caft wing of the
houfe is fecur'd ? has good care been taken that
the poftern gate at the lower end of the weftern
panerre is properly faften'd ? Are the man traps
all ready for (napping? Are the fpikes new marp-
en'd on the fouth wall ? Have orders been give
that if any of the inquifitive family of the Win-
grove's Oh! Mr. Wingrove ! you come upon
one fo fuddenly but, I am ove'joyed to fee you,
fir.
Mr- Wingrove I am bound in politenefs, ma-
dam, to return the compliment-, yei after what I
heard at my entrance, there would perhaps have
been no grv = at offence- to truth, if the joy had been
fupprefs'd on-boih fides,
M.^s rcrbert You do well, fir, not to cxprefs
more than ycu feel.
Mr. Wi throve If I did, madam, it appears I
Ihou'd not want a precedent for my j unification.
Mifi Herbert. But why, Mr. Wingrove, if 33
you areconftantly telling one I ufe you fo very,
very ill, why will you throw yourfelt perpetually
in my way ? I don't recollect that I lent for you
Did I aunt ? Did any body go ro defire dear
Mr. Wingrove to corns to us ? I forget, I vow.
And yet perhaps I might for I know it does him
a world of good, poor dear man ! He is fond of
primitive times, and Irke all your good people of
thofe days, loves to throw himfelf in the way of a
little wholefome perfecution But now, fir, an-
iwer me this, you unjuft you ungrateful man,
you Did I ever difappoint you whenever you
came here for a little healthful mortification in a
morning? Was 1 ever the perfon to fend you
away without your errand ? No, fir, with all
your malice, I defy you to lay that to my charge.
Mr. Wingrove. Madam, I have many obliga-
tions to be fure to the gentlenefs of your nature ;
but
A C O M E D Y- 25
fcut I entreat you not to add one more to the
many kindnefies I to owe it, that of driving me to
diftraction will you have the good nefs to anfwer
me, madam Is not my fifter here ?
Mifs Herbert. Blefs me, fir, and fuppofe me is
But it is all of a piece You fet out with inform-
ing me you were very forry to fee me, and now
you would forbid me all intercourfe with the only
part of your family I have any defire to be ac-
quainted with.
Mr. Wingrove. Let me" conjure you, my dear
lovely tyrant not to play with my anxiety fuf-
pend a while the triumphs of your farcafm, you
cannot mifunderftand the agitations of my heart
at this moment you know the caufe of them
If you have given my fifter an afylum
Mifs Herbert. Then, fir, with equal folemnity,
I defire you to believe, that if I have given your
lifter the (helter you imagine, I mail not withdraw
it to gratify the prejudices of any of her relations;
befides, fir, were your fifter allured me mould be
fecure from the odious danger that threatens her
from a man fhe detefts, fhe would I am convinced
be happy to throw herfelf at her father's feet, and
on that condition
Mr Wingrovs. It is a condition, however, that
will not be granted her, madam. What, when
our honour, when the dignity of our houfe are
committed (hall all be facrificed to the frivolous
partiality of a difobedient girl.
Mifs Herbert. Give me leave, fir, to tell you,
that you feem to me to miftake this honour for
which you declaim fo warmly 1 ; honour holds no
fociety with injuftice.
Mr. Wingrove. Injuftice! madam!
Mifs Herbert. Yes, fir, there can be no injuftice
equal to that of compelling a woman to fo facred a
E con-
26 THE FUGITIVE:
connexion as a married union againft the known
and fettled preference of her heart. It is befides,
fir, acting a very ungenerous part towards Lord
Dartford himfelf.
Mr. Wingrcvs. Not at all, madam; Lord Dart-
ford knows of her averfion, and has fpirit enough
to difregard it.
Mifs Herbert. Does he, fir ; then indeed there
can be no doubt, with all due deference to his
fpirit, but he merits it But in the mean time
Mr. Wingrove, permit me to embrace the very
ea lieft opportunity of expreffing my gratitude for
this new philolophy you have been kind enough
to teach us. You are ths firft lover I believe that
-ever told his miltrefs to her face, that a union of
the affections was a fuperfluous ingredient in the
compofition of matrimony You made the difco-
very, fir. You will leave it to me, to make the
proper ufe of it. '
Mr. Wingrwe. Nay, madam, if you are deter-
mined to make no other ufe of what I fay, but to
pervert it into ridicule or injury, I know nothing
that's left me, but to ufe the only privilege
which I think you will not deny me, that of
making a fpeedy departure. I have long defpaired
of exciting any fympathy in you towards myfelf,
yet the diftrefies of an afflicted brother, I had
tondly believed, would have inclined you to forbear-
ance at leaft, if they had failed to produce any
more active effect upon your humanity. [Exit.
Mifs Herbert. Haughty to the laft Well,
thank heaven this interview is over. Julia, I have
fought hard for you.
Mrs. Rachel. Indeed, my dear neice, you carry
matters too far; you will certainly lofe Mr. Win-
grove fome of thefe days, if you perfevere in your
prefent treatment of him.
Mifs
A C O M E D Y. 27
Mifs Herbert. No, my dear madam certainly
no The fymptoms of love vary with the difference
of conftitution, and in a lively nature there is no
furer proof of it, than a little playful malignity -
and that the man ought to have fenfe enough to
underftand; or, wanting that, I am fure he has too
little to entitle him to become the lord and mafter
of a young woman of my fpirit and pretenfions.
Mr?. Rachel. Aye, but have a care, Harriet.
Mifs Herbert. Well, madam, I'll do my bett
but, indeed, if I cannot laugh and teaze him out
of fome of his faults, we mail make a miferable
couple. I can be a willing (lave to a gentle mafter,
but I mould prove a mod rebellious fubjeft to a
tyrant, I am certain. [Exeunt.
SCENE V. Mr. MANLY'*.
Enter Toung MANLY.
Toung Manly. Heigho ! What is't o'clock I
wonder ? My head aches horridly perhaps a
little tea timely adminiftered will fet all to rights ;
we'll try.
Enter WILLIAM.
William, how came I to have no better- accommo-
dation than the fopha laft night ? I fuppofe I was
a little gone, but you might have put me to bed,
firrah.
William. Sir, you know I was'nt at home, you
employed me elfewhere.
Toung Manly. Elfewhere ? Hang me if I re-
memberwhy, how did I employ you ?
William. You know, fir, when I called upon you
at the Star Inn, you fent me to hire a little veflel
to carry you and Mifs Wingrove to France.
E 2 Toung
2*8 THE FUGITIVE:
Young Manly. Mifs Wingrove and me to France \
peace you prophane rafcal.
William. Dear fir, I wonder you Ihould forget
You know you was almoft befide yourfelf for joy
yeftetday, and told me that Mifs had ccnfented to
be your's, and that you fhould marry her in
France firft, for fear of accidents, and then you
bid me hire a good tight veflel, and to tell the
mafter, that if he would bring to, in the weft
creek, and put to fea directly upon your getting
on board, you wou'd give him a hundred guineas
as foon as he had landed you upon the coaft of
France.
Mr. Manly. Eh! how ? Mifs Wingrove-
Coaft of France !
William. But it growing day-light, and the
captain getting fulky, thinking as I had made a
fool of him, 1 made the beft of my way home to
fee what was the matter, and now it's all the talk
this morning that Mifs Wingrove is run away.
Toung Manly. What's that ? Julia left her
father's! And where is fiie ? Tell me this in-
ftant.
William. Dear heart, fir ! why how mould I
know ! I thought me had been with you,
Toung Manly. This is moft unintelligible
"William, are you fure I am awake now? Don't
laugh you rafcal Speak, fool, are you certain I
am aw.-.ke I fay -I believe I had better convince
myfelf by beating the fellow handfomely, what fay
you, fir ?
William. Why, fir, only that if it be the
fame thing to your honour, I would as lieve you
would be Ib good as try feme other experiment.
Toung Manly. Heavens, what a confufion of
horrors breaks in upon my mind My Julia fled,
and
A C O M E D Y. 29
and I not the partner of her flight! Oh ! I dare
not fpeak my apprehenfioni even to myfelf!
If they are true, I am undone Wretch that I
am, were that all, it would be a trifle ; but, Julia,
my lift-, my foul, my love, I have ruined thee.
I feel it all come rufhing o'er my mind , yet ftill
it has the wildnefs of a dream -I recolledt fome-
thing of a fair creature weeping and entreating
me to let her goWas it poffible, that in any date
I could let her fue in vain.
Willam. I hope, Sir, you'll forgive me for being
fo bold, but I am afraid Mils and you have had
fome difference.
Young Manly. What's that to, you, Sir? Con-
temptible villain that I am, I blufh that my own
fervant mould guefs at my conduct Yet fhe has
cfcaped Lord Dartford --How know I what fhe
has efcaped, or what endured ? Thofe heavenly
charms of her's may have expofed her to worfe
than robbery ! Yet fnrely her melodious tongue
would fubdue a tyger! Did it foften thee, thou
more obdurate far than any other of thy kindred
favages in the foretl ?---And yet 'tis hard 'Twas
to her own dear health I facrificed my reafon
Oh ! Julia, if I had lov'd thee lefs, I had not
deferved to have loft thee Perhaps William might
get Ibnie intelligence I cannot let him know how
J have acled -Selfifh wretch, doft thou ftart at
fharne ? May he not bring word where me has
taken refuge- Foflibly I can ferve her Not for
myfelf I renounce all hope--Yet if I can but
ferve her William.
William. Sir.
Young Manly. I have behaved like a fcoundrel,
William worfe than a brute. I went to meet
Mifs Wingrove, and you find how J qualified
myfelf to be her protector.- Where fhe is, I
know
3d THE FUGITIVE:
know not-- Go, enquire, good William and be
fpeedy Go to her father's every where and
bring me word before I'm quite diftracled -Stay,
Til go too we'll divide, and meet at the poft-
boufe an hour hence.
William. Sir, you're fo much flurried, you had
better itay here till I come back.
Young Manly. Don't talk, Sir And do you
hear ? Take care you don't get drunk, Sir
I know your failing, rafcal ; but when matters of
importance are in agitation, none---no, none but
a icoundrel like myfelf would degrade his nature
by bafely unfitting it for all the functions which
render it either ufeful or refpectable. [Exeunt.
END OF ACT SECOND.
ACT III.
SCENE I. LARRON'J Hottft.
Enter Mrs. LARRON and JULIA.
Mrs. Larron.
SO, my pretty young madam, I have found you
out, have I. But I gueffed how it was from
the firft, hufley.
Julia. Is there any thing I can fay that will
convince you ?
Mrs, Larron. Why no, to be fure there an't
Don't you think as all you fays muft go for no-
thing, after all that fine mafquerading {lory trump-
ed up between my hufband and you ? He faid
you was juft com'd out of a nunnery. What fort
of a nunnery was it, I wonder ?
Jvlia.
A C O M E D ^. 31
Julia. Good Madam, let me prevail on you to
liften to my unhappy ftory.
Mrs. Larron, Well, child, you may go on, I
hears you
Julia. Your hufband found me this morning,
deprived (by a moft unlooked-for accident) of
friends, of home, of every thing.
Mrs. Larron. You mo ft be a good un by that
Well, let's hear go on, child.
Jul'a. I made him acquainted with mv diftrefs,
and he agreed to afford me fhelter, till I could
form fome plan, adapted- to my melancholy fnu-
ation.
Mrs. Larron. And fo you'd have me believe,
as you and my hufband know'd nothing of one
another before this morning? Hey ?
Julia. I can folemnly affure you, that this
morning was the firft of our acquaintance.
Mrs. Larron. Well, have a care that you doesn't
equivikit now If 1 finds you equivikiting, you
(hall dearly repent it, I promife you- And lo you
fays as you wants work- Why, if I thought you
would behave yourfelf as you mould do, may be
Fd find you a friend myfelf, that wou'dn't require
much of you ; and I fuppoie you don't care how
little yotl does -But I mould like to know how
you loft your laft friend.
Julia. Let me entreat you, Madam, to fpare
me upon that point.
Mrs. Lar'rcn. Aye, you none on -you likes to
tell I fuppofe it wa'n't for no good as he turn'd
you off. [Julia turns afide and -weeps.'] What a
poor little whimpering thing it is I wonders
where fhe can have been, as 1 have never feen her
afore- --If I can get her off to old 'Squire Manly,
who is a little like my hufband for goodnefs, ic
will be putting her out of Larron's way, and be
lomething
3* THE FUGITIVE:
fomething into my pocket -Well, well, adone
crying, do I fuppofe you're not fo dilliket as to
objed: to a middle-aged gentleman.
Julia. Has he any family, madam ?
Mrs. Larrcn, Oh, yes he's a fon and a daugh-
ter, and a wife into the bargain--- but you know
that's no hobfticle to the likes of you.
Julia. Quite the contrary, madam ; I am glad
to hear it.
Mrs. Larrcn, Well, that's as much as ever I
hard- But that's none of my bufinels.
'Julia. Is the gentleman an embroiderer ma-
dam, or what ?
Mrs. Larron. Embroiderer ? Nothe gentle-
man's a gentleman.
Julia. Then, madam. I mould prefer going into
a family where I might be ufeful, rather than to
become an idle dependent on any one.
Mrs. Larrcn. What the deuce is in the wind
now, I wonders ? Well, the gentleman is an
embroiderer; fo let's have no more of your hums,
and haws, but get up to your own room, and be
fure you doesn't ftir till I calls you. [Exit Julia.
If I can tell what to make of her, (he's fo full of
her fine words, and things As I lives, there's the
old 'Squire going by , I'll bring him back. Mr.
Manly, Mr. Manly-- It's a pity he's io old \ for
he has faults enough to make him agreeable to any
woman.
/
Enter OLD MR. MANLY.
So you forgets your old acquaintance, Sir; I
warn't worth thinking on , you goes by the door,
without ever axing how one does.
Old Manly. What, do you think I can ever for-
get my durable blolTom of five-and-forty.
Mrs*
A C O M E D Y. 33
Mrs. Larron. Forty ! Lord, fir, why you rec-
kons every body's years by your own lady's- I
Ihan't be the age you mention thefe five years.
Old Manly. You mean you hav'n't been the age
I mention thefe five years The regifter can add
nothing to the evidence of your face- which pro-
claims fifty as ftrongly as if it was in black and
white in the parifh books.
Mrs. Larron. Ah! you're a merry man. No
wonder Madam is fo jealous of you.
Cld Manly. To tell you the truth, Mrs. Larron,
I never thought of roving till me put it in my
head, by her doubts of my conftancy.
Mrs. Larron. Why, fir, contradiction's as na-
tural to gentlemen as to ladies, for any thing as I
fee Now there is up flairs
Old Manly. What, what is there up ftairs ?
Mrs. Larron As pretty a young creter as ever
you fet eyes on.
Old Manly. Let me go and look at her di-
reftly.
Mrs. Larron. Nay, but ftay She's as full of
freaks as (he can hold. I hardly knows how to
deal with her She fays fhe wants to work at em-
broidering But that's all a pertence Howlbever,
I muft tell her at firft you wants to employ her
that way. I'll bring her down in a minute.
[Exit.
Old Manly. Hang her I wifh fhe had not call'd
me in. I begin to be too old for thefe follies,
1 have half a mind to be off But when a man
has continued in a bad practice for a length of
time, it almoft cofts him as much fhame to make
good a reformation, as it did at firft to venture on
the tranfgreflion But I hear a lighter foot on the
flair- cafe than Dame Larron's; and fo for the
prefent good-bye, morality We'll call upon you
another time.
F Enter
34
THE FUGITIVE:
Enter Miss JULIA WING ROVE and MRS. LARROAT.'
'Old Many. By all that's lovely, an angel ! (jixrts)
Mils Wingrove.
Julia. Mr. Mar.ly !
Old Manly. Madam, you mud think it very odd
very ilrange, 1 lay, and very ocd --to lee me
here upon fuch an occafion Appearances, I con-
fefs, make againil me.- Yet upon a proper ex-
planation, madam, 1 don't fear being abk to let
all to rights.
^j
Juliet. Sir, to fee you here, was what indeed I
did not expeft- By forne means, I find the place
of my concealment is discovered Bur, fir, though
I cannot deem ic otherwife than amiable in you,
to attempt fome apology for 'the conduit of your
ion, yet I mull tell you, in the anguifh of my
heart, that I: would fooner become the wife of the
man I once moil abhorred, than unite myfelf to
him, or even liiten to the fmalleft palliation of his
perfidy Artd now, fir, excufe my abrupt de-
parture. [Exit.
Old Mavfy. Why, Mrs. Larron, are we awake
here? Is there nothing of enchantment in all
this ? Egad, I hope it's no trick of your's,
miftrefs.
Mrs. Lcrron. Trick ? Deuce take me if I
knows of any, I hav'n't been able to find what
you and fhe meant for my part.
'Old Manly. As to what me meant, that does not
appear fo difficult to unravel How fhc came here
is what puzzles me.
Mrs. Larron. Why, my hufband brought her-
He found her like a ftray'd (heep, and fo leiz'd her
for his own
Old Manly. Your hufband mud be a courageous
fort or" a man, I think, to fteal a young lady of her
pretensions And you're a pretty gcr.tlewoman,
A C O M E D Y. 35
to come and draw a man in to make. a fool of
himfclf---Here did I txpect to find a pretty little
good-humoured, good-natured, infignificant fort
of a good-for-nothir.o; piay-thing; when, inftead
of that, I am expofed to encounter the reproachful
glances of Mifs Julia Wingrove.
Mrs. Larron. Mifs Wingrove ! My ftars ! Why
is fhe the runaway lady that all the country's up
in anr.s ahout? [Afide 1 I am glad to hear this
-Well, fir, Fm a little in a hurry, and fo I knows
you'll excufe me.
Gld ivla'iny. Oh, with ail my foul--I can find
excufes enough for going away. The only dif-
ficulty is, how to difcover an apology for coming
in. [Exit.
Mrs. Larron. Well, fure fome luck'll come of
this at laft. Who'd have thought (he'd bten fuch
a proud man's daughter, fo as (he be-humbled
herfelf to me- I hope (he ha'n't giv'n me the flip,
though. --If me is fairly out of the houfe, I dares
not follow her. But I warrant (he's gone back to
the room She's too genteel to have lenfe enough
to take care of herfelf. [Exit."
SCENE II. MANLY'* Houfe.
Enter MRS. and Miss MANLY.
Mrs. Manly. Surely, Emma, it was very indif-
creet to, give Mr. Welford permiffion to wait on
you, at a time when your brother and he are at
variance.
Mifs Manly. Well, madam, let him be refufed
admittance. I find every caprice of Henry's is to
be complied with, however it may interfere with
any profpecls of mine. But I dare fay he will
have the goodnefs to repay your tendernefs with
his ufual gratitude-, for, if I miftake not, there is
fome new adventure in agitation.
Mrs. Manly. Don't fpeak with fo much afperity
F 2 of
36 THE FUGITIVE:
of your brother, Emma : if I feem to feel a par-
ticular intereft about him, it is not that I entertain
a greater affe&ion for Henry than I do for you.
But where a young man's imprudencies are con-
ftantly expofing him to danger, there the anxiety
of common humanity it, added to the apprehenfion
of motherly affection; fo that it is only the fame
regard more powerfully awakened, and pity taking
part with duty.- But what makes you imagine
that he is at prefent engaged in fome new ad-
venture ?
Mifs Manly. Indeed, my dear madam, I am
forry I fpoke fo harmly ; but my reafon for ap-
prehending that he has ibme wild fcheme on foot,
is, that yellerday evening his fervant told my
maid, that his matter would foon be a happy man.
William llaid out all night ; and this morning
they went abroad with a fort of myftery together,
when William told my woman, that his young
mafter had, according to cuftom, been cutting out
vexation for himfelf.
Mrs. Manly. Never, fure, had any woman fo
much to difturb her peace as I have ! What, with
Harry's imprudence, and Mr. Manly's neglect of
me, it is a miracle how I fupport it.
Mifs Manly. Dear Madam, your own appre-r
heniions create ail your affliction in that quarter.
Indeed, I have heard my father fay as much.
Mrs. Manly. What, could not he be fatisfied
with difregarding me himfelf, but he mull en-
deavour to prejudice your mind againft me ?
Mifs Manly. Oh, you miftake my father's mean-
ing entirely, madam. He was only lamenting
your want of confidence in him, and faying, that
had he never been caufelefsly fufpected, he mould
never have given you caufe of fufpicion.
Mrs. Manly. So then, he owns he has wronged
me ? He confeilcs his infidelity, and makes nq
fcrupls
A C O M E D Y. 57
fcruple of avowing it to you, too. This is beyond
even what I ever fuppofed. I did, indeed, think
there was a little inconftancy in his nature. I
confefs I had fome flight fufpicions of that fort.
Now I find I am juftifitd in all my conje&ures.
Oh, Mr. Manly, you have much to anfwer for
on my account.
Mifs Manly, I hope not my dear mother I am
fure he always fpeaks of you with great tender-
nefs.
Mrs. Manly. Does he, my dear Emma? Well,
and what does he fay ?
Mifs Manly. I have heard him fay, madam,
that could you but confide in him, you would be
one of the happieft couples in the world.
Mrs. Manly. And did he, indeed, my dear
girl, fay this ? Don't you flatter me now my
child?
Mifs Maitly. Be affur'd, madam, that he faid
every fyllable I have related to you.
Mrs. frfonfy. How could I ever make him un-
eafy
Enter old MANLY.
Old Manly. Mrs. Manly, my dear Emma,
my child, have you heard
Mifs Emma. Oh yes, fir, that Mifs Wingrove
has left her father's, and my mother is alarm'd,
left my brother.
Old Manly. No, no, my dear, I can eafe you
of your apprehenfions refpecling Henry : Mifs
Wingrove is not with him, i can aflure you.
Mrs. Manly, ^[ow do you know that, my dear
Mr. Manly.
Old Manly. Why I faw her about an hour ago.
Mrs. Manly. You faw Mifs Wingrove ! You
furprize me ! Where ?
Old Manly. At Mr. Larron's.
Mrs,
4 R '> 9 Q
-
38 THE FUGITIVE:
Mrs. Minly. And pray, Mr. Manly, what bufi-
nefs carried you there ?
Old Manly. No, 'twas not at Mr. Larron's nei-
ther yes, now I recoiled; it was there too.
Mrs. Manly. 'Tis very ftrange Mr. Manly, that
you fhould be at fuch a Jofs to know where it was
you faw her.
Old Manly. Why, I remember now very well
it was at Mrs. Larron's, I happened to be there,
and (lie came in. Piha ! how I blunder I
mean fhe went in there and
Mrs. Manly. You followed her yes, I begin
to guefs how it wis.
Old Manly. This is ever the way ! Perpetually
crois examin'd, and contradicted.
Mrs. Manly. It is you that contradict yourfelf,
Mr. Manly.
Old Manly. Why, will you give me leave to tell
my own ftory my own way.
Mrs. Manly. Another time, fir, it will be bet-
ter policy to determine what way you choofe to tell
your ftories before you begin to relate them: you
will be lefs perplexed lefs puzzled with the
variety of your inventions But pray let us hear
the iequel.
Old Manly. Nay you may gnefs the remainder,
if you will not liften to the beginning of my (lory,
I'll be curs'd if you fha!l hear the conclufion of
it, [Exit.
Mrs. Manly. Oh! Emma, child, what a life is
mine, juft to be relieved from one apprehention by
being plung'd into another Wno could have
believ'd your father would fo forget jiimfelf as to
feduce
Mifs Manly. Dear madam ; 'tis impoffible your
fears fhou'd be true If you will give me leave I'll
follow
A C O M E D Y. 39
follow my father I dare fay he will acquaint me
with the whole affair.
Mrs. Manly. Go, my dear Emma, go. [Exeunt.
SCENE III. An Inn.
Enter Young MANLY.
Toung Manly. No tidings to be gain'd of my
Julia ; Where can fhe be ? Wand'ring perhaps
perhaps -oh 1 I dare not truft myfelf with the
iuggeftions of my own thoughts ! How mail I
avoid them- -oh ! Manly ! thou wert to have met
a trembling angel kindly ready to have thrown
herfeif into thy arms for everand
Enter WILLIAM.
Will, what news ? does me live ? where is me ?
is fhe married ?
William. Sir, I hope at laft to bring fome com-
fort.
Toting Manly. Honeft William ! well, your news,
my good friend.
William. About half an hour ago I began to
be quite out of hope, but thinks I, 111 not return
to mafter till I've got fome account to carry him,
come on'c what will.
Toung Manly. That's a good fellow ; well.
William. And fo I went from barbers to barbers,
and from bakers to bakers, and from inn to inn,
and from alehoufe to alehoule.
Toung Manly. Are you fure you hav'n't been
drinking, Will ? If you have you know its what
I've fworn never to forgive.
William. Lord, fir, drinking? No, fir, no
more than in a reaionable way net to difguife
myfelf, an like your honour.
40 THE FUGITIVE:
Young Manly. Tell me of my Julia, you block-
head.
William. Why your honour's fo touchy you fee;
if you'd ha* been pleas'd to have heard me.
Young Manly, Well, well, that's a good Will
go on- go on.
William. Well, pray fir, be pacified Well,
and fo, fir, as I was fitting at the Fox and Grid-
iron in Weft-lane, who fhouldcome in promif-cu-
oufly, but Larron the fmuggler, as conceited as
you pleafe fo I never much cared for having any
talk with the fellow being as he's a foreigner and a
great rogue. However, thinks I, all your French
folk have woundy long tongues, and if he knows
any thing, fifty to one but he pops it out.
Young Manly. Pfha ! Curfe your tedious intro-
ductions.
William. So fays I Mr. Larron, have you
heard what a ftir there is in our village- --fuch a
to do.
Young Manly. Pifh-- goon I fay goon.
William. There there's a young lady loft fays
I "Wee" fays he, and there be young one ladie
found too.
Young Manly. What's that! go on good Wil-
liam.
William. What fays I, have you had the luck to
find her then, fays I. " Wee 1 * fays he again,
fpluttering out a French oath, and fhe have the
luck to find me as well- oh ho fays I, you'd
make me believe that (he run away for your fake,
would you ? Make a believe, fays he, fhe not be
the firft young ladi, that run away for my fake--
Young ladies have droll fancies then fays I
But mayhap (he may'nt be the fame that all the
rout is about fhe that I mean is a raw-boned
gawky girl, pretty round fhoulder'd (juft to fift
him
A C O M E D Y. 41
Ivim you fee, fir). Round flioulder, fays he,
round moulder. More blue- -She one model
Ihe von Venus fo then I knew we were right,
for I've heard your honour fay Mifs was as like
Venus as two peafe.
Toung Manly. Will, you have conducted the
whole affair like a complete orator, and profound
politician.
William. Very like, fir, but had'nt we better go
after Mifs for fear of her father's getting her back
again.
Toung Manly. Certainly yet now that my fears
for her fafety are fomewhat abated, the recollec-
tion of my offence places itfelf between us as an in-
^furmountable obftacie to our ever meeting again.
William. Lord fir, why to my thinking you had
better go and aik her pardon, and then there'll be
an end on't.
Toung Manly. Never I can never think of
afking her to pardon me.
William, Why, dear fir, how hard hearted you:
are.
Toung Manly. [Speaking to bimfelf without regard-,
ing the pretence of bis feruant.'] I have given her fuch
caufe of refentment, that it wou'd be an affront to
her juftice, as well as her delicacy, even to fuppli-
cate forgivenefs.
William. Aye, aye, fee what good '11 come of
thefe megrims.
Toung Manly. Any common penitent may look
with a rational confidence for pardon, but he who
has finned againft the fanctity of beauty, and the
religion of a fworn and plighted affection, cannot,
ought not, to expect forgivenefs. -
William. Nay fure, fir, do lift en to a
Young Manly. But come Tho' I muft now for
ever forego the dear hope of calling Julia mine,
G t yet
4 2 THE FUGITIVE:
yet if (he will but fuffer me to poffefs the Toothing
reflection of having refcued her trom the perfecu-
tions of her family, I will bear my lofs without a
murmur, and refign my future days to patent
fuffering and unavailing regret- Follow me,
Sirrah ! [Exit,
William. Certainly, fir how difficult it is to
make two people think alike in this world I can-
not bring myfclf to be of my mailer's mind for the
foul of me. [Exit.
SCENE IV. A Wood.
Enter Mr. W EL FORD.
Welford. What an unlucky fellow thou art,
Welford---Here have I by my Emma's order been
wandering this hour in purfuit of ManlyOne
wou'd think that he knew my intentions, and had
hid himfelf to avoid me---Ha ! who can this be
who's looks betray fo much agitation and diftrefs ?
The grief muft be of magnitude indeed that thus
prefents itfelf to the licentious comment of every
unfeeling pafTenger What can be the caufe that
has reduced lovelinefs like this [retires'] to fo cruel
an affliction ?
Enter JULIA.
Julia. Whither {hall 1 fly? What refuge is
there left me- injur'd --miulted---purfued-- per-
fecLUe'4 every w^y what more cou'd vice itfelf
endure ? And what indeed have I not fuftained of
its torments, faving only the pang of confciouf-
nefs, Yet that's fo.meining--- Whither fhall I now
direct my trembling feet ? Where, where hope
to meet a friend.
Welford. That friend is made, madam, if he's
happy enough to be accepted Pardon me for
thus
A COMEDY.
43
thus intruding on your griefs, and only rejoice me
by laying in what way I can be accefiary to your
fervice.
Julia. May I believe you, fir. I have of late
been Ib much the fport of cruelty, that I dare
hardly think any one fincere that approaches me
with the voice or kindnefs---Yet your countenance
indicates compaflion.
Welford. It would be falfe to my nature, ma->
dam, if it indicated any thing lefs on the prefent oc-
cafion. But madam, you talked of being purfued
If fo Permit me for the prefent to conduct you
to my houfe I have fome female relations there,
with whom a temporary refidence can reflect no
difgrace to your reputation- May I, madam, be
favour'd by your compliance.
Julia. My tears muft thank you, fir I have
no words to do it.
Welford. This way if you pleafe, madam.
[Exeunt.
SCENE V. Larron's Houfe.
Enter Mr. LA R RON, and Toting MANLY.
Larron. Sir, vat you vant ? Pardievat you make
noife in my houfe de houfe in England you call de
chateau, de caftel vat you mean, you befiege my
caftel, fir? Vat you vant, hey.
Young Manly. Want ! muft I repeat it to you
a hundred times, you blockhead ? I want Mifs
Wingrove where is fhe ? Mifs Wingrove, fir,
Mifs Wingrove, is the fellow dumb? Produce
Mifs Wingrove Produce the young lady you
brought home this morning let me fee her in-
ftantly.
Larron. De young ladi, qui m'acompagnoit ce
matin, vat right have you to make queltion of me,
G 2 fir?
44 THE FUGITIVE:
fir? I know noting of de young ladi I no
Jock de ladi up, Monfieur You fay fhe Mifs
Wingrove. If Mils Wingrove fhofe rader t
come to my houfe den go to her fader's ce n'eft
pas ma faute ; if fhe take into her head to go
away again, ce n'eft pas, ma faute neider.
Young Manly. I would advife you, fir, not to be
altogether fo indifferent upon this occafion You
may not perhaps be aware that I pofiefs a moft
excellent remedy for a certain complaint called in
your country, fang frcid and if your fymptoms
mould continue fo very alarming, 1 iancy I mall
feel myfelf under the neceffity of applying it.
[Shewing bis cane.
Larron. Monfieur ! you not take a me right
my deficience of de langue Angloife muft s'il vous
plait be mon excufe Veritablement, I not know
vere de young ladi be, more den yourfelf, fir.
Vous plait il you pleafe to make demande of my
vife.
Enter Mrs. LARRON.
Monfieur elle aura peutetre, fo much complaifance
for you to inform of de caufe of de ladi's de-
parture, but pour moi, me vil not have de conde-
fcenfion de m'inftruine pas u'n feul fyllable.
Toung Manly. Well, Mrs. Larron, you hear I
am referred to you, will you favour me with fome
account of Mifs Wingrove ?
Mrs, Larron. Dear heart a day Here's a
racket and a fufs indeed ! I wiflies (he'd been fur
enough before (he fet her foot within my doors, I
knows.
Toung Manly. Nay, but Mrs. Larron, I muft
know immediately where fhe is.
Mrs. Larren. Muft you, fir ? Why then you
muft
A C O M E D Y. 45
muft know more than I can tell you Your father
came to vifit her.
Young Manly. My father!
Mrs. Larron. Yes, fir and fo (he went away
that's all I knows.
Young Manly. Did me go with him ?
Mrs. Larron. Why yes, fir. I fuppofe fo
Lord you axes one fo many queftions.
Young Manly. My dear Mrs. Larron, why
wouldn't you make me happy fooner, by faying fo
at once.
Mrs. Larron. Lord one mould have a fine life
on't indeed, if one was to do nothing but make
every body happy.
Young Manly. Your ceconomy in that refpec"r,
madam, is at leaft good natured to your vifitors,
and as 1 have no inclination to difturb fo laudable
a cruelty I will wifli you a good morning. [Exit.
Mrs. Larron. And a good riddance of you then,
if you goes to that. This comes all along with
you Larron, I'm fure I may fay its a judgment
upon you for thinking to ferve me fo.
Larron. It be von judgment done upon ma
follie to keep in de houfe von termagante like
yourfelf De young ladi like ver well to come to
my houfe She beg, me pray to come I bring
her to you I leave her vid you Vat me do den ?
Ma foi, (he run away direclement.
Mrs, Larron. Was it fo indeed ? And fo I was
in madam's way was I ? Oh this is pretty ufage
indeed ! to me who have bqen the making of
you.
Larron. You not hold your tongue, b?gar, I
tourne you out of doors, tout de fuite.
Mrs. Larron. You turn me out doors Larron? I
dares you to do it You knows as I knows enough
to
4 5 THE FUGITIVE:
to hang you if I pleafes You forgets who broke
open
Larron Vat you keep quarrel, quarrel for ?
You know I not like the quarrel You and I be
good friend A ca Give me your hand pardie
I vill fet all right I vill make you my vife.
Mrs. Larron. Will you ? Hut I am grown a
little too wife for that now; I fees you aim well
enough, you only wants to get clear of my evi-
dence, and to have the law of your fide, for ufing
me ill No, no Lewis, I am not fuch a fool as you
thinks me.
Larron. Vill any ting pleafe you ? You jufte
now complain'
Mrs. Larron. Aye, but now d'ye fee, I will keep
my freedom as iVcurity for your good behaviour
You are in my power now, and fo I will keep you
I knows you have no love for me, but I will
make you fear me.
Ltrrcn. Eh bien, my dear, we underftand von
anoder now you now be ma maiftrefie en toute
chofes et pour toujours.
Mrs. Larron. What's that you are jabbering ?
Larron. I fay, my dear, dat you are fo convince
me of your great difcretion dat you now be my
miftrefs in all tings and for ever.
Mrs. Larron. Oh ! why that's very well come
into dinner then like a good creter as you are, and
never, my dear Lewis, never, never forger, that
it is in my power to hang you.
[Exeunt'
END OF ACT THIRD.
ACT
A C O M E D Y,
ACT IV.
SCENE I. Miss HERBERT'S
Enter M?fs HERBERT and Lord DARTFORD,
Mfs Herbert.
AM happy to fee your lordfhip I hope you
bring good tidings of Mifs Wingrove,
I.^rd Dtrtford, Indeed, my dear madam, you
flatter ynurfelf a >d mr. I was fent here, in purfuit
of good tidings, or of any tidings for after the
moft prodigal expence of bodily fatigue, we are
juft as much in the dark as ever.
A/*/} Herbert. What, no intelligence ?
Lord Dartfard. None none I have juft left
her fantaftic father, and her imperious brother, al-
moft as anxiouQy on the hunt for this modern re-
lation, as if they were perfecuting an old parch-
ment, to bring forth a lurking morfel of ancient
kindred in the reign of king Lud, or queen
Boaiiicea, It is very unaccountable.
Mifs Herbtrt Unaccountable indeed !
Lord Dartford. I mean every way unaccounta-
ble the motives that could have led to her efcape,
as well, as the fuccefs with which fhe has accom-
plifhed it. Women are not apt to mifunderftand
their happinefs in thefe matters I cannot lay that
to their charge, pofnively.
Mifs Herbert. (Afide.) Coxcomb! a thought
occurs to me, by which if I fucceed I mall be better
enabled to reconcile matters with my haughty
lover, and refcue Julia from her embarraflments
fhouid fhe be difcovered I'll make him believe
I haye
48 THE FUGITIVE:
I have a fancy for him myfelf. [to Lord Dartford.]
Indeed, my lord, as your lordfhip very juftly ob-
fervcs, women are but feldom guilty of fuch ex-
travagant inattention to their own interefts giddy
girl what would fhe have afpired to ? fuch rank
fuch accomplimments.
Lord Dartford. Yes and fuch a rooted fuch
a difinterefted, fuch an inviolable attachment.
Mifs Herbert. To be lure, my lord. Obdurate
Julia ! Where were your eyes ? Where was your
fenfibility ? Where had you miflaid your under-
ftanding ?
o
Lord Dartford. Very true ! Where indeed ? I
that lived but for her.
Mifs Herbert. That an affec~lion fo ardent a
conftancy fo noble, mould receive fo ill a return
unkind Mifs Wingrove. [Jtgbs heavily.']
Lord Dartford. Eh ! What's this ?- I begin
to perceive fomething here, and the beft on it is,
fhe has a better fortune than the other I wifh I
had not talked fo much of my conftancy. I mud
wheel about though, ["70 Mifs Herbert. ] And yet,
Mifs Herbert, I cannot help thinking that, latterly,
Mifs Wingrove hardly appeared to me to pre-
ferve that
Mifs Herbert. No, indeed, my Lord I have
partly thought fo too.
Lord Dartford, That kind of fuavity, as it were
that inexpreffible fomething.
Mifs Herbert. That plaintive delicacy that de-
precating eye thofe imploring fmiles that per-
fuafion which carried with it the authority of
conqueft, and that gentle command which turned
enforced captivity,into voluntary fubmiffion.fy^&fc. j
Dear girl, I cannot help doing her juftice in the
very heat of this feigned hoftility.
AGO M E D Y. 49
Lord Darlfor d. And then her fpirits havefome
how or other
Mifs Herbert. Yes, her fpirits too, haye loft that
elegant dejection, that penQve apathy that grace-
ful mope if one may fo exprefs it, that ufed to
fhed the foft benignant influence of an autumn
evening over every thing around her. How blind
have I been ! now tnat your lordihip fuggeds it,
I fee it all. {Af.de.~\ 1 am obliged to help him
out in his very abufe, for he knows too little of
love's rhetoric even to hate with eloquence.
Lard Dartford Now there is a perfon, in whofe
radiant eyes, and fparkling decorums, the majefty
of imperial Cupid (its in ftate, and difpenfes in-
nocuous glories with the carlefs profufion of a city
feaft, or the dazzling fplendorof a courtly gala.
There is a perfon
Mifs Herbert. Your lordfhip means Mifs
Manly ? ^Yes, indeed, me is a fine young woman
enough
Lord Dartferd. Mifs Manly ! Mifs Manly,
madam, is as a fcintillating link to the gorgeous
orb of day, compared to the ineffable divinity of
my proftrate adoration.
Mifs Herbert. Whom can your lordfhip mean ?
Lord Dartford. Mean ! whom mould I mean
whom muft I mean, whom can I mean, but the
celeftial Phoenix of her fex, the divine Mifs Her-
bert ?
Mifs Herbert. Me, my Lord ! Good heaven
I am fo confufed all on a fudden Did your lord-
fhip fay me ?
Lord Dartford. Yes, yes, your adorable, ever-
laftingfelf.
Mifs Herbert. If your lordihip really entertains
If your lordfhip has indeed, done me the honour
to have conceived a paffion
H Lord
50 THE FUGITIVE:
Lord Dartford. A paflion ! a flame a con-
flagration a volcano !
Mifs Herbert. Nay now, my Lord, I can no
longer doubt the plain fincerity of your profeflions
but as it is a fixed rule with me, rather to follow
than to lead, in events of this awful importance,
I mould wifti to avoid any further communication
with a perfon of your lordfh p's dangerous eloquence,
till the proper fandion of my relations has been pre-
vioufly obtained ; my aunt would be too happy
to receive any propofals of your lordfhip's -, till
then permit me to take iny leave. Succefsful
even beyond my hopes. [Afide.
[Exif.
Lord Dcrtford. Hah, hah. Now this I call
being in luck juft as one had loft fcent in one
quarter, to have a nobler game ftarted in another.
-Now gad take me, *tis very odd, but what a
blunderbuls I am at a fpeech I mean tn the love
way for on other fubjects I can deliver myfelf
with a becoming intelligibility enough; but we
higher order of beings that have fenfe enough,
never to be more than merely artificial lovers, as we
never underftand the real orthodox gibberifh of
the paffion, fo when we once get to talk upon it, we
never know when to flop Now that fcintillating
link---gorgeous orb conflagration, and volcano,
were not at all to my liking, but what could I do ?
I muft fay fomething but above all, what had I
to do with an allufion to a city feaft ? What has a
city feaft to do among the delicacies of a lover's
commons ? Well, I muft read for it at lead till
I am married, and then indeed, it will be full time
to difcard both the paffion and the language of it in
amicable indifference together. Well, 1 will lofe no
time in preparing my propofals. [Exif.
SCENE
A C O M E D Y. 51
SCENE II. Mr. MANLY'*.
Enter Mifs* MANLY.
Mifs Manly. Could I have fufpected Welford of
infidelity ! Happy, happy Mifs Wingrove. So
vanifh all my hopes!
Enter Young MANLY.
Young Manly. Emma, what means this agita-
tion ? Whence thefe tears ? Is my mother well ?
Where is my father-, fpeak dear Emma.
Enter Mrs. MANLY.
Mrs. Manly. Oh Harry ! what uneafinefs Jias
your abfence occafioned why will you pay fb
little attention to your family ?
Young Manly. Dear madam, I deferve more
reprehenfion that I ever meet with, yet let me en-
treat your prefent forbearance. My heart fince
Jaft I faw you has been torn by fucjh a variety of
anguim, that I have not been mafter of my con-
duct But why is Emma thus uneafy ?
Mrs. Manly. Dear girl, I believe her uneafinefs
refults from mine could you have thought it
Harry ? I fcarce know how to tell you, but your
father has feduced Mifs Wingrove from her
friends, where he has placed her I know not-
but
Young Manly. Thank heaven, then, I have been
truly informed, and me is with my father.
Mrs. Manly. Thank heaven, Henry ! Do you
thank heaven that your father wrongs me ? Your
behaviour fhocks me Harry It is even worfe
than his.
Young Manly. Dear mother, don't indulge fuch
fufpicions, my father fteal Mifs Wingrove from
her friends No, no, indeed he did not : that fhe
is with him truly rejoices me.
H 2 Enter
52 THE FUGITIVE:
Enter Old MANLY.
Young Manly. Dear fir, where is Mifs Wingrove ?
Where is my lovely Julia. Will fhe permit me
to behold her face again ? Yet how dare I hope it.
Old Manly. Ought I to permit you to behold
my face again, fir ; how dare you hope that ? In-
ftead of alking impertinent queftions about what
does not concern you, have the goodnefs to ac-
count for your own conduct, fir-.-you leave your
family fill them with apprehenfions for your
fafety, and at your return, inftead of meeting us
with proper fubmiffion, you begin by he&oring
your poor innocent father, and bullying him with
a long firing of faucy enquiries " Where is Mifs
Wingrove ? Where is my Julia ?" [mimicking
him.] W r hat have you to do with Mifs Wingrove ?
Who made her your Julia ?
Mrs. Manly. Who indeed ? She is differently
difpofed of.
Young Manly. Dear fir, how could I poffibly
imagine that what I faid would give the flighted
ground of offence ? the Larrons allured me (he
went away with you.
Mrs. Manly. There, Mr. Manly, there ! I am
jealous now without a caufe ! I have no founda-
tion for my fufpicions.
Mifs Manly. Dear madam, dear fir ! hear me
one moment, I can too certainly allure you where
Mifs Wingrove is.
Mrs. Meanly. Where Emma, where ?>
Young Manly. Dear, dear Emma, tell I
me inftantly. \all at once.
OldManly. Aye, let us hear child I
let us hear it.
Mifs Manly. The report we heard, madam, was
too well founded ; Mils Wingrove is indeed with
Mr. Welford.
Young
A C O M E D Y. 53
Young Manly. With Welford !
Mrs. Manly. Ridiculous child, mere jealous ap-
prehenfion.
Young. Manly Madam !
Mrs. Manly. Aflc your father whofe fufpicions
are the wildeft, hers or mine he can fet you right
at once if he choofes it but I'll (lay no longer
to endure fuch treatment.
Old Manly. Don't, my dear, don't.
Mrs. Manly. Your indifference, Mr. Manly, is
even more injurious than your infidelity. [Exit.
Old Manly. Before I go to appeafe your mother,
who is as abfurd as you are profligate, let me caution
you, young man, how you practife fuch another
frolic in a hurry the wicked ftory that you have
fb ingenioufly trumped up about my being at fuch
a place as Larrons' this excellent joke, 1 fay, fir,
which owes all its genius, to its being a falfehood,
and its wit to the certain mifchief it was fure to
produce in your family, won't be pafied over un-
punilhed, I afiure you have you no duty ? no
regard for truth ? But it was ever thus with you,
you prodigal The beft example I have ever been
able to fet you, either for truth or modelty, never
produced the flighted effect upon your vile, im-
penetrable nature, and the mildeft language, you
rafcal, was always thrown away upon you. [Retires.
Young Manly. Dear Emma, unravel if you can,
this knot of perplexities ; my father anfwers me
with anger, my mother with tears, aqfl you, my
dear fifter, ftart an idea, which is one of the laft
that would have entered my imagination ; yet, being
once prefented, love will not fuffer it to repofe in
idlenefs Tell me, my Emma Can Julia be with
Welford? Can me can he! can both be fo
inconftant ?
Mifs Manly. Oh Harry, why did I mention it
This
54 THE FUGITIVE:
This may be the fource of frefh affii&ion Think
if it is Tothat I endure enough, and do not en-
creafe my mifery- You know my fears.
Toung Manly. Lay them afide, dear Emma! be
allured I fn. 1 !! act with moderation- I know 1 fhall
- h Julia !- But you mult D 11 me all you know,
refpe&mg her, and the villain- I will not name
him that has ftolen her from me. Come to my
iludy, Emma ; nay, dry your eyes- you mail lee
what an example of patience I will exhibit I fhall
quarrel with no one but myfelf, for in myfelf
alone is the foundation of all the miferies I am
cxpofed to. [Exeunt Toung Manly and Emma.
Enter Servant to OLD MANLY.
Servant. Mifs Herbert, Sir, defires to know if
(he can have the pleafure of half a minute's con-
verfation with you.
Old Manly. Shew her in. Exit Servamt.
Enter Miss HERBERT.
Old Manly. This is indeed a kindnefs, my dear
Mils Herbert-, your vifks are valuable in propor-
tion to their rarety, like winter funs or or-
no like
Mifs Herbert. Never mind, my dear Mr. Man-
ly, wh.at they are like, we will fettle the im-
promptu upon more mature deliberation another
time.
OldMayty. Fgad, and fo we will, for nothing
requires fo much time as an off-hand fpeech.
Mifs Herbert. Now, Sir, to the object of my vifit
Report fays, that you have feen Mifs Win-
grove, and I am anxious to hear how the
charming creature endures her misfortunes.
Old Manly. Very true, madam 5 but where
ftiould I fee Mifs Wingrove?
Mifs
A C O M E D Y. $5
Mifs Herbert. Why, report does fay, fir, that
you met her at a place where it would have been
equally for her happinefs, and your reputation,
that you had never met at all at Mrs. Larron's.
Old Manly, Its a falfehood a confounded falfe-
hood I go to Mrs. Larron's ! but dear Mifs
Herbert, how can a young lady of your candour
and good fenfe give credit to fuch a thing, par-
ticularly when you had fuch good reafon for dif-
believing it, as its being the general report.
Mifs Herbert. Why, indeed Mr. Manly, as you
fay, what ihould you do at fuch places ? You
know you are fubfiding into the calm evening of
life, when the tempeftuous paffions gently fink
into a foft undiflurbed repole I dare fay now
you feel this fweet chearful twilight of your days-
to be attended with more fubftantial comfort, and
much more real happinefs, than the gaudier fcenes
of your meridian life, when every thing was bril-
liant, and nothing -folid ; every thing gay, but
nothing rational.
Old Manly, Twilight! Gadfo ! None of your
twilights neither Mifs This is the way there is
no fuch thing as purcrrafing impunity in this
world, for one offence,, but by pleading guilty to
a worfe Well, Mifs j and fuppofe I was at
Miftrefs Larron's ?
Mfs Herbert, [_Afde^\ O ho ! I thought I mould
bring him to confeffion he will acknowledge any
vice, but age So, fir, you were there, then, after
all,
Old Manly. Gads life, ma'am, don't alk lo
many queftions ; I undcrftand you well enough,
Mifs You would infinuate that I am a helplefs
old fellow that you can fee no great ufe in my
living, and that the fooner I am hang'd out of the
way
$6 T H E F U G I T I V E :
way, the better, but give me leave to tell you,
madam -
Enter Admiral CLEVELAND.
Admiral. Hey day ! What ftorms a brewing
now ? Why neighbour Manly this is a rough gale
upon fo fair a coaft what quarrelling with my
neice ?
Mifs Herbert. Dear uncle I'm quite rejoiced to
fee you, you never came fo feafonably to the
refcue of a poor littiedifabled frigate in your life
Mr. Manly here.
Old Manly. Your neice is an impertinent, for-
ward, malicious young woman, Mr. Cleveland,
and I defire never toiee her face again I'll never,
never forgive her No, if I were to live till I was
Cxty.
Mifs Herbert. What a formidable refentment !
Why the period of it has expired thefe five years.
Admiral. [AJide.'] Leave him to me, I'll teaze
the old fellow I came on purpofe.
. MJ/s Herbert. \ will.
Admiral. But how did the brum happen ? What
is the caufe of it ?
Mijs Herbert. Why, fir, I fpoke, I am afraid,
fomewhat too juftly of your friend's age, and ap-
peared to entertain too favourable an opinion of
his morality offences which a lively, determined
rover, in his climacteric, can never reconcile to his
forgivenefs.
Admiral. Oh, is that all.
Mifs Herbert. So good, Mr. gallant, gay Lo-
thario of fixty-five, a good morning to you.
[Exit. Mifs Herbert.
O'dMank. A faucy minx.
sldmiral. Come, Manly, you have too many of the
fubllantial afflictions of life to contend with at
prefent to be ruffled by little breezes of this fort
Rut I am your tricnd, and I thought it my duty,
as
A C O M E D Y. 57
as fuch to call upon you> and to do what a friend
ought, to comfort you.
Old Manly. Why that was very kind my old
neighbour, very kind indeed be feated I befeech
you Yes, indeed, 'tis very true, as you fay Ad-
miral, I am a wretched, miferable, unhappy man,
epprefs'd with forrows, laden with affliction
overtaken before my time, by many cares. Yet
'tis fomething, my worthy neighbour, to have a
trufty friend, to take a kind intereft in one's mis-
fortunes tofhare, as it were, the fad load of life
to ride and tye with one in the weary pilgrimage
'tis a charming thing to have a friend!
Admiral. I think fo indeed, and hope to prove
as much I have no other object but to comfort
you None, none, You are indeed very un-
happy.
Old Manly. Very, very !
Admiral. Why there's your wife, now*
Old Manly. Aye my wife Oh ! Oh !
{Along figh>
Admiral. Nay be comforted, my friend be
comforted Why me is of herfelf a fufficient load
of mifery for anyone poor pair of mortal moulders.
Always tretfull, her fufpicions never afleep ^and
her tongue always awake conftantly making her
obfervations, like a veflel fent out upon difcovery *
ever on the watch, like an armed cutter, to cut
off any little contraband toy, and to intercept any
harmlefs piece of fmuggled amufement.
Old Manly Oh ! 'tis dreadful, neighbour, quite
dreadful indeed.
Admiral. Take comfort, my friend What did
1 come here for ? take comfort, I fay There is
your fon too.
Old Manly. Yes, my fon too, an abandon'd
profligate.
I Admiral.
58 THE FUGITIVE:
Admiral, Nay, if that were all, there might be
hopes the early little irregularities that grow ouc
of the honeft pafiions of our nature, ure fometimes
an advanta^ to the ripened man ; they carry their
own remedy along with them, and when remedied,
they generally leave the perlbn wifer and better than
they found him wi'cr for his experience, and
bet r er for the indulgence which they give him to-
wards the infirmities of others but a canting,
whining, preaching profligate a fermon maker
at twenty a fellow that becomes a faint, before
he's a man a beard Id's hypocrite a fcoundrel
that cannot be content with common homely
finning, but rriuft give it a ri-lifh by joining a
prayer with it in his mouth of fucha fellow there
can be no hope? no hopes indeed.
Old Manly. None, none. Oh miferable that I
am, where will my affliction end ? Where fhall I
find confutation ?
Admiral. Confolation ! In me to be fure !
Whatelfe was the purpole of my vifit? I forbear
to fay any thing of your daughter, poor unhappy
girl.
Old Manly Conceal nothing from me. What
has happened to my poor child what has hap-
pened to her ? She was my favourite. Miferable
man! O miferable man!
Admiral Nay, if it will give you any comfort,
I will tell ypu It is my duty to do fo why, (he,
you know, was deiperatdy in love with Charles
Wtlford. He has turned her off, I find dif-
charged her the fcrvice, and has fallen in with
fomebody clfe-, fo that I fuppofe by to-morrow
morning we may look for her birih^ poor girl, in
the ambufh ot a willow, or the retirement of a fifh-
pond.
Old Manly. Now the fum of my calamities is
complete
A C O M E D Y. 59
complete \Weepi\. Now, indeed, the cup is full
poor undone man miferable hufband wretched
father! \,
Admiral. Aye, and all to come upon, you at your
time of life too Had your misfortunes reached
you when you were in the vigour of your days
[Old Manly dries bis eyes, and looks refent fully] when
you retained enough of bodily ftreagth and force
of mind to cope with them but at your time of
day, when the timbers are approaching fail to-
wards decay, when the lights of the under (land ing
are upon the glimmer, and the reckoning of life is
pretty nearly out Oh! 'tis too horrible. Faith,
after all, I don't know how to com'ort you.
Old Manly i j In a rage.] [Beth njtng.] I believe
not, indeed ; you fufty, mufly, old, foul-mouthed,
weather- beaten coxcomb timbers approaching
fall to decay. Whole timbers do you mean, old
jury-mad ? look at your own crazy hulk do
and don't keep quoting your damn'd log-book
criticifms upon your juniors and your betters.
Admiral. Nay, my good friend.
Old Manly. Damn your friend mip, and your
goodnefs too. I don't like friend (hip that only
wants me to hare mvfelf and goodnefs that only
goes to prove every thing bad about me. So, good
Mr. Yellow Admiral, fheer off da and till you
can fluff your old veflel with a cargo of more
commoditable merchandize, don't let me fee you
in my latitude again.
Admiral. Sir, let me tell you, you may repent
of this language ; and were it not for pity of your
age and your misfortunes
Old Manly. O curfe your pity, and as for mis-
fortunes, I know of none equal to your confo-
lation.
Admiral. You mall hear more of this, Mr. Manly.
1 2 Old
Co THE FUGITIVE:
Old Manly. Not for the prefent, if you pleafe
if you wane my life, take it take any thing-
only take yourfelf off.
Admiral. Very well, fir. You (ball hear from
me at a proper time. \_4fidt\ I have made the
old fool nobly miferable i that's fome comfort,
however.
Old Manly, [fetus.'] What an afs was I, to lif-
ten fo long to the hollow croakings of this melan-
choly fea monfter a rufty old weather cock ; al-
ways pointing oneway, and that to the quarter of
misfortune I miferable! What (hou'd make me
fo ? Is not my wife kind and faithful, and only a
little troublefome now and then for my good Is
not my fon generous and gay -and and like his
father as a fon fhou'd be and a'n't I ftout in bo-
dy, and found in mind, and is not every thing as
I would have it ? a difmal old now has he
given me a fample of the view with which advice
is always beftowed, and I him a proof of the efr-
fect with which it is always taken he came to
me to increafe my diftrefles by confolation, and I
have made ufe of his counfei as a new argument
for pleating myfelf. [Exit.
SCENE III. Mifs HERBERT'S.
Enter Mifs HERBERT, and Mrs. RACHEL.
Mifs Herbert. Well, my dear aunt, have you
been more fuccelsful in your enquiries after the
unfortunate Mifs Winsrove than I have been ?
Mrs. Rctchad. I don t know how to fay I have
been more fuccefsful but from your account, I
have collected more particulars I underftand Ihe
was accidentally encountered by Mr. Welford, who
kindly offered her the afylum of his houfe, which (he
accepted but learning, by converfationwith his re-
lations,
A C O M E D Y, 61
lat'ons, that her reception there had produced a
quarrel between him and his miftrefs, the gene-
rous girl fcorned to confult her own comfort at the
fxpence of her protector, and having contrived to
change her own clothes for thofe of a younger
brother of Mr. Welford's, me accompliihed her
cfcape.
Enter Servant.
Mr. Wingrove, Madam.
Mifs Herbert. Admit him. O, he fhall re-
ceive no mercy at my hands whilft he conti*
nues the periecutor of his fitter Will you give
me leave, madam, to receive him alone ?
Mrs. Rachel. Certainly, my dear. [#//
Enter Mr. WINGROVE*
Wingrove Will Mifs Herbert permit a penitent
to approach her?
Mils Herbert. Oh! by all means a real peni-
tent but are you quite fure that you come under
that delcription, or is yours like the common re-
pentance of the world, which confifts rather in a
prejudice againft puniHiment, than a fmcere con-
trition for the offence ?
l^mgro^e. Dear, charming Harriet, how can
you queftion it I am afaamed of the violence of
my behaviour at cur laft interview ; yet you muft
acknowledge that you drew me into that fufpicion
by your ambiguous deportment. Surely my Har-
riet could not find entertainment in the uneafinels
of the man who adores hert 1
Mifs Herbert. [Jfide.] Blefs me, if he conti-
nues in this drain of humility, I mall never bs
able to punifh h'm as hedeferves -ytt I mud.
Wingrove. What's that, my Harriet? You can-
not doubt the fincerity and devotion of my love.
Mifs
02 THE FUGITIVE:
Mils Ilerlert. Ap-opos Was it you that fell
in love with me, or your father ?
tPingrwe. My father! Harriet?
Mils Herbert. Aye, you or your father ; which
of you is it thac I have had rhe good fortune to
inlpire viith io favourable an opinion of me? I am
inclined to think it is to the elder gentleman I owe
the obligation.
Wingrove. Nay, now madam, I don't under-
ftand you.
Mils Herbert. In plain Englifh, then, had you
your intf ructions from your father to undergo the
labour of wooing, or did you come of your own
accord ?
Wwgrove. Can my Harriet entertain fo humi-
liating an opinion of me as to fuppofe 1 would be
actuated in fo dear a concern as that, by any
influence but the impulfe of my own affcdlion ?
Mifs Herbert. Take care, Mr. Wingrove take
care there is nothing fo tempting, I admit you, as
thofe pretty words that fall gracefully in to clofe
the proceffion of an ambitious fentence, but let me
afk you plainly, fir, Whether, if your father mould
now, even now, lay his commands upon you to
relinquifh the pafTion with which you affedt to re-
gard me, you would not inftantly obey hirn, and
leave me forfaken and forlorn, to transfer your
obedient ardours to any new lady of his choice ?
lingro-je. *Tis true, I feel the mod fincere re-
fpect for my father , yet had he thought proper
to interpofe his influence in a cafe where nature
claims a paramount authority, I had renounced
a fubmifiion which 1 mould have held to have
been unjuftly exacted.
Mifs Herbert. Are you fure of it ?
Wingrove. Quite fure.
Mifs
A C O M E D Y. 63
Mifs Herbert. Dear Mr. Wingrove. [Taking
bis hand.]
Wingrcve. [Kifling //.] My lovely, my adorable
Harriet ! Sure of it! am I fure of my exiftence ?
Ami fure of your being the moft lovely of your
own fex or I the happieft of mine [Ktffes her
hand]. "Am I fure that we mall never exchange
another harfh word, or another unkind look? Am
I f ure
Mils Herbert. Nay, now, fir, you are fairly
caught.
Wingrove. Hey-day! What frolic is in the wind
now ?
Mifs Herbert, If all this be-true, Mr. Wingrove,
tell me, fir, what it is that conftitutes the offence
of your fifter r Why is me driven out a difgraced
wanderer to encounter all the unknown hazards of
a mercilefs world, when one of her perfecutors not
only acknowledges that he fhares in all her guilt
if guilt it be but glories in the fympathy he feels
in her difobedience, becaufe he confiders it as a
juft tribute to the object of his affections, and a
proof of his independence?
IVingrove. My filter, ma'am, is a woman and
and
Mifs Herbert. My fifter, ma'am, is a woman -
and and that is, my fitter is an interdicted be-
ing difinherited by nature of her common boun-
ties a creature, with regard to whom, engage-
ments lofe their faith, and contracts their obliga-
tions. In your fictitious characters as lovers, you
endeavour to make us believe that we are exalted
above human weaknefles; but, in your real cha-
racters, as men, you more honeftly demonstrate to
us, that you place us even below your own level,
and deny us the equal truth and juftice that belongs
alike to all intelligent beings. This language, Pr, is
CCW,
$4 THE FUGITIVE:
new, at lead in the vocabulary of love, I vvifli T
could fay the fentiments it conveys were equally fo
in the hearts of your mod imperious lex.
Wingrow. Before I was interrupted, madam, by
this torrent of modeft rhetoric on the merits of
your mod unimperious fex; for fo, in particular,
I am bound to think them, 1 meant merely to
have faid, that I can aggrandize the woman with
whom it may be my fate to be united. whereas,
if my fifter joined hcrfelf with an inferior, fhe
would have become neceffarily degraded to the
rank of her hufband. But I find, madam, thefe
infuhs are calculated merely to gratify your pride,
by proving to what extremity of meanncfs your
power can reduce me. I blum at the fervilities to
which it has already expofed me, and now throw
off the yoke for ever. [Going.
Mifs Herbert. Stay, fir ; before you go, let me
beg you to favour this letter with a perufal. Read
it at yourleifure; and now" a long farewell to all
my greatnefs."
fFingrove. Damnation ! laugh'd at too Fare-
well, madam, and I fwear
Mifs Herbert. Nay, fir, don't fwear; or if thou
wilt fwear fwear by thy gracious felf !
d <ingrove. [In a fary of ptffon.] Madam, I go
for ever. {Exit.
Mils Herbert. To have convinced me of that,
vour conge, my rebellious captive, mould have
been taken with fomewhat lefs difturbance. I am
glad I had recoiled ion enough to give him
Lord Dartford's letter of propofals before he
went. He was in a terrible rage, to be fure fo
much the better---while a woman retains power
enough over a man to make him lofe his temper,
he is not yet in that date of healthy indifference
that intiilts him to bid defiance to a relapfe of af-
itclion. [Exit.
END OF THE FOURTH ACT.
A C O M E P Y. 65
SCENE I. The ADMIRAL'J Garden.
Enter JULIA (in boy's clothes > looking lack.)
* i t7"ONDER is my brother, and his fervant, as
JL I live , perhaps in purfuit of me ! I dare not
meet them Yet fure they cou'd not know me I
hardly know myfelf Their eyes feem directed this
way I'll fhut the gate till they have pafs'd. Ha!
who comes here ? perhaps the owner of this place.
From my long refidence with my aunt, I am al-
moft a ftranger in my native village Blefs me, he
has a (tern countenance ! I had beft conceal myfelf
till he quits the garden. [Retires.
Enter ADMIRAL.
Admiral. Why what a pack of idle fellows I
keep about me. When I'm laid up with the gout
thefe raicals do nothing- See what a fine jefia-
mine here is almoft fpoilt for want of tying up
let's try what I can do. [Goes to tie it> Julia /hifts
her place. ~\ What's that makes the leaves ib Hey,
is not that a man ? Oh ! oh ! there's the way my
nectarines fall fo fhort. [Goes and. brings Julia for-
ward] Here ! here ! no refiftance Come out, and
let us fee what we can make of you. Well, young
gracekfs, and what do you do here ? Come, let's
hear what account you can give of yourfelf.
Julia. I do aflure you, fir, I came in by acci-
dent.
Admiral. By accident ? Well that's a good be-
ginning enough , what do you fhut your eyes as
K you
66 T H E F U G I T 1 V E J
you go along, that you can't tell the highway from
an enclofure ?
Julia. I mean, fir, I juft ftepp'd in to avoid a
per Ion I wifh'd not to fee me.
Admiral. Very like, fir ;' but pray, fir, will yovi
have the goodnefs to tell us who you may happen
to be, fir ?
Julia. Pray, fir, excufe me.
Admiral. Indeed, fir, 1 mail do no fuch thing
Come, fir, who's your father ?
Julia. I cannot tell you, indeed, fir.
Admiral. Indeed, fir Well, after all, it might
puzzle a wifer head than your's to do that , but
pofiibly you may have better luck with regard to
your mother who is me ?
Julia. My mother, fir, is dead.
Admiral. Dead, is me ? But had me no name
when (he was alive ? Fgad you fhuffle fo, that I
fancy you've been longer at the trade than I at firft
imagined. You're a gay fpark for the profeflion
too If Racht 1 had been a young woman, I fhould
have fufpected fomething elfe; but perhaps the
coat may have been ftolen too ; thefe gentry now-,
a-days think nothing they can get too good for
them, and the finger is only an accomplice to the
felonious pride of the back, " win gold and wear
it" Hey, is that your maxim, my young poach-
er? Gadfo, now I remember, I have ften Sam.
Welford in thofe very clothes- I mail fecure you,
my lad ; you mall anfwer all this.
Julia. I befeech you, fir, not to expofe me.
Admiral. Not expofe you What! dr you think
I mail connive at felony ? Here, Tom, Simon,
Ralph attempt to move, and you're a dead man.
Here, will nobody help me to fecure this villain ?
Enter
A COMEDY. 67
Enter Mrs. RACHEL and Servants.
Admiral. Here, feize thnt fellow, and tie his
hands behind him Keep off, Rachel, I dare fay
he has got piftols in his pockets Lead him di-
rectly to a magi ft rate, I'll follow.
Julia. Dear madam, I implore you to plead for
me to that gentleman your looks fpeak benevo-
lence I entreat you, madam, to have pity
en me !
Admiral. There's a young artful dog now, be-
ginning to coax and flatter Rachel about her good
looks ; aye, that's the way with theie handfomer
fprigs of the fraternity, they are lure to attack the
'women; but 'tis fuch a fnivelling puppy why
hang it, my lad, you muft expect thefe rubs in the
way of your bufmefs, its only a misfortune in
trade Come man, behave yourfelf a little more
like a rafcal of fpirit.
Rachel. Brother, I entreat you to fend your
fervants in.
Admiral. Send 'em in, Rachel, why how's this ?
Do you want him to make his efcape ? Has he fofc-
ened you with his whimpering? You know if he
takes to his heels, I can't follow him.
Rachel. I have particular reafons for my re-
queft.
Admiral. Well, be k fo then wait in the houfe
till I call you. ["Ex//, fervants.} Dor.'t you think
to get off tho* if you attempt to ftir
Julia. You may rely upon it, fir, I will not
move. Oh, madam, may I hope that you will
befriend me in this dreadful exigency !
Admiral. No, no, my lad, You are dipping into
the wrong pocket there ; Rachel is not like moft of
her fex, to be won over by wheedling, you do but
K 2 fling
68 THEFUGITIVE:
fling away your (kill. But why was I to difmifs
thofe fellows, Rachel ?
Rachel. Brother, if what I've already faid has
jurpriz'd you, I mall encreafe your aftonifhment
(till farther, by defiring to have a fhort converfa-
tion with this ftranger, while you walk afide.
Admiral. What, leave you alone with a pick-
pocket, a houfebreaker ? I tell you, he has piftols
in his pockets, or a fwafhing cutlafs in his coat-
lining! Rachel, Rachel, you are a poor ignorant
woman, you can't tell what inftruments thefe fel-
lows may have about them.
Rachel. You are miftaken, brother, this is no
robber, I am perfuaded.
Admiral. Oh Rachel, Rachel, is it comes to this
after all ! I did think for your fake, that there
might be fuch a thing as a woman without folly or
frailty ; but you are determined that I mall not
die with too favourable an opinion of your fex
for fbame Rachel, for fliame 'tis too bad too
bad indeed.
Rachel. A few minutes will convince you
brother, that if I merited your good opinion before,
I mall not be likely to forfeit it on the prefent
occafion.
Admiral. May be fo, may be fo, Rachel, it has
an odd look however; have a care of yourfelf,
old girl ; if you mould do a foolifh thing, it won't
be taken as if one of your prudes had been guilty
of a little trefpafs, who prepare people for their
fall, by the fufs they make about their virtue.
You'll have a hot birth on't, my old lafs, you
will but however mind I give you fair warning.
[Retires.
Julia. Dear madam, vouchfafc to hear my
wretched ftory.
A COMEDY. 69
Rachel. As I know not what impreflion my bro-
ther's ftrange conje&ures may have made on your
opinion, fuffer me to gain a little credit, by fpar-
ing you the trouble of informing me that you are
Mifs Wingrove.
Julia. Madam !
Rachel. Dear young lady, be not alarm'd at this
difcovery, for never was there .more fincere com-
miferation than what your fuff'rings have pro-
duced in me.
Julia. Oh, madam, how has my wretched fitu-
ation been made known to you ? and by what
means may I obtain your friendfhip ?
Rachel. I have but one condition to propofe,
and that is an unreferved communication of the
circumftances that have involved you in this dif-
trefs that made, for I cannot admit an idea of
criminality in you, I can affure you not only of
my own prote6tion, but my brother's -, who is as
warm in his attach rhents, as he is rafh and hafty
in forming conclu lions from firft appearances; but
my brother returns , I would not meet him till I
can inform him of the whole. This way, dear
Mifs Wingrove. [Retire to an alcove.
Enter ADMIRAL.
Admiral. What isn't this tete-a-tete over yet!
what, they retire at the fight of me Oh! guilt!
guilt! I'll obferve you tho' why fne feems to be
courting him ! I'll be funk if it isn't fo Aye,
Rachel, now you have flung afide propriety, de-
cency, I fancy, will foon follow. Women, I find,
never love to do filly things by halves ; when once
they flip cable on a voyage of folly, let them
bring them to that can. Particularly your reafon-
70 THE FUGITIVE:
ing fort of fenfible, elderly gentlewomen- for
when they have fairly palled the equinox of life,
they know they fail with a trade wind, and the
devil can't flop them, till they are fnug in harbour
with a yoke fellow, after a tedious pillage of
difficult virginity. By all that's fcandalous
fhe takes his hand Oh fit down, fir down, my
gentle fwain Why he's weeping (till fink me if
ever I faw fuch a watry-ey'd puppy. Not but there
was fomething in his dittrefs that moved me if
circumrtanccs had not been fo ftrong againft him,
I mould no more have taken him for a thief than
for a failor What, rnuft he have your fmelling
bottle too why fhe has left him in the arbour,
and comes this way fhe looks as if the faw me
too can me face me ? will fhe brazen out her
folly? [Rachel advances.] Well, Mrs. Rachel
Cleveland.
Rachel. Well, brother, I come to clear up all
your doubts and difficulties.
Admiral Oh don't take fo much trouble,
mrdam, it is lufficiently clear already, I give you
my word.
Rachel. Nay, then I perceive you are under your
old miftake, fo I mall explain all at once. This
way, my dear. (To Julia.)
Admiral My dear! by heaven that's too much
what, no fhame, Rachel !
Rachel. Now learn your error, brother, and give
me leave to recommend to your protection [Julia
advances, Rachel fakes her hand, the admiral going
out in a rage] Mifs Julia Wingrove.
Admiral. What's that, Rachel! who did you
fay?
Rachel. This young lady, brother, whofe mis-
fortunes you have heard in part, is Mifs Julia
"Wingrove; I am convinced fhe deferves your
friendfhip,
A C O M E D Y. 71
friend (hip, and it is evident fhe is much in need
Of it.
Admiral. And (he fhall have it coft what it will.
Young lady ! why what a fool have I made of my-
felf Can you excufe an old fellow, madam, who
frequently lets his hafty temper run away with his
flow wits ?
Julia. Your prefent kindnefs, fir, infinitely
overpays the fears occafioned by your mifcon-
ception.
Admiral. You mud feal my pardon, mifs, by a
falute, or I fha'nt think we are fairly reconciled.
Rachel, I don't apologize to you, as I know your
forgivenefs is always clofe in tow of my repent-
ance ; but as for you, lady fair, fince you have
been forced upon my coaft, they muft fight
through fire and water for you that drive you out
to fea again.
Julia. Do not, I befeech you, fir, let your ge-
nerous compaflion for me lead you into danger;
the bare idea of fuch a confequence would com-
pel me to forego the comfort of your hofpitable
protection.
Admiral. Oh don't let your little fearful heart
begin conjuring up vexations, it'll do me a great
deal of good make my blood circulate I have
been too long out of action a vaft while too long
I am mere ftill water -fpoiling for want of
motion a little hurricane or two will make me
clear again. I want a bit of a dorm for the quiet of
my old days, and a little wholefome danger will
promote the fafcty of my health, fo away with
your fears, my little light fing 'Sblood 1 was
getting on rhe old tack again.
Julia. But, dear fir.
Admiral.
7 THE FUGITIVE!
Admiral. Do Rachel, tell her what an obftinate.
old fellow I am, and that it is only wafting, her*
ammunition to oppofe me.
Rachel. There is fo much generosity, brother,
in the fubftance of what you lay, that I have no
inclination to difpute about the expreflion of it*
Mifs Wingrove, if you pleafe, you {hall lay afide
this drefs.
Julia. Gladly, madam.
Admiral. Come, young lady, let me be your
conductor, and they that can make prize of Bri-
tifh beauty when under the convoy of a Britifh
admiral, muft have more weight of metal about
them than the whole bulk of your lubberly rela-
tions, faving your prefence, in a body -Ib cheerly,
my little angel-~bear up " Bleft ifle with
beauty, &c." (Singing). [Exeunt.
Scene changes to Lord Dartford ' s houfe. Lord Dart-
ford and Jenkins.
Lord Dartford. So this triumph of my attrac-
tions, as I had fo namrally believed, was a mam
after all Death, how dared this faucy baggage
venture to fet her pert wits on fo hazardous a
deception -but my turn may come, and if me
fhould marry this bouncer Wingrove, and grow
difgufted with him, which of courfe muft be the
cafe, it will be in vain that me turns her eyes to
me, I allure her But what's to be done in this
affair. ,
Jenkins. Can't your lordfhip difown having
fent any propofal to Mifs Herbert.
Lord Dartford. How can I do that ; you de-
livered the letter, did'nt you ?
Jenkins. Yes,' my Lord, but he muft be a very
indifferent
A COMEDY.' 74
Indifferent fervant whofe memory canrtot fail hira
a -little, for the advantage of his mifter.
Lord Dartford. Well, we muft confign that
difficulty to the ecclairciflement of time and better
fonune but in the interim this refufal of Mils
Herbert's makes it of importance to recover this
wandering nymph as foon as poffible. Did Thomas,
do you (ay, trace a young gen'lcnian, refembling
Mils Wingrove to Admiral Cievelands.
Jenkins. He did, my Lord/ and was almoft cer-
tain it v/is herfelf.
Lord Dartford. If it mould prove fo, and me
obtains fhelter there, I think it 'might be eafy to
watch for her in the garden, and lltal her thence,
but firft the Admiral muft be watched out though
remember that ;- there may be danger elfe.
Jenkins. That's one of the cafes, my Lord, in
which rny memory never fails me.
Lord Dartford. Well then, let's about it inftantly
> If I could meet with the lady, there is no harfh
treatment to her that the old Baronet will not in-
terpret into refpefl for him , and as for the fwag-
oerer, his Ton, let him know of my attempt upon
fcis m;ftrefs, when I am married to his lifter, with
all my heart Decency will prevent him from
killing me then, and as for his opinion, as that is
innocent of any effect upon the body, we muft
endeavour to endure it. [Exeunt.
SCENE III. Mifs HERBERT'S.
Mifs Herbert. I don't know how it is, but I
feel a fort of uneafmefs about me, as if fomething
had happened to vex me. What can it be ? for-
getful creature that I am Mifs Wingrove's dif-
rreflfcs, to be fure. Yet that is not a novelty at the
prefent moment , and then the perfevering ab-
iurdity of her lofty brother ha! ha! Sits the
wind in that quarter ? Well, I can't help it. I am
L afraid
7* THE FUGITIVE:
afraid he is not quite indifferent to me ; yet I rnuft
tame him out of this unreafonable h.iughtirels be-
fore marriage, that he may bs entitled to the jutt
pride of a Kufband when he becomes one.
Enter W IN GROVE.
Blefs me, how came you here ? Always ftealing.
upon one ?
Wingrove. I am- fo truly afham'd, madam I
cannot-
My} Herbert'. Come, fir, there is an eloquent
humility in your manner that fpeaks for you. I
Have once before to-day conftrued your meaning \.
and I begin to flatter myfelf I fhall not be a lefs
faithful intei preter now, when I fuppofe that you,
are indeed a penitent for the treatment to v.hich
you have expos'd your filler.
Wingrove Indeed, indeed, I am fo.
Mifs Herbert. I am rejoic'd to hear it. You
have read the letter I gave you ?
Wingfffo'L I have, madam.
Mifs Herbert. Well, in all this wide world of
caprice and uncertainty there is but one thing i in-
fallible.
Wingrove. What is that ?
Mifs Herbert. That! Why that a man of ranlc
never violates his plighted honour, and that birth-
involves in it every human virtue.
Wingrcve.- Perfidious fcoundrel I'll tear him
piece- meal.
- Mifs Herbert. Tear your own prejudices from
your heart, Mr. Wingrove.
WingroTe. They are gone, madam ; and I have
no other proof that they ever had an exiftence irk
my bofom, but the mortified ienfibility which they
have left behind them.
Mifs Herbert. Come, fir, keep up your fpirits ;,
you will do charmingly, I am. convinc'd.
Wingrove*
A C O M E D Y. 75
. Nay.; I am not now a convert to
your opinion, my Harrier.
A/;/} Herbert. What a rtlapfe.
Wmgr^e. No. 1 only n:ean to fay, this is not
the firlt time of my rile in which I have thought
as you do. Reaibn has had many ineffectual
Struggles with prejudice in my m-ind upon this fub-
ject before. But, henceforrK, I difclaim all re-
verence for fuch idle fuperftitions I defpife birth,
and all the vanities which attend it.
Mifs Herbert. Now, Mr. Wingrove, I do not
think io well of your cafe as I did. 1 am, myfelf,
110 peevifli, morole caviller at birth. It is always
graceful, and often ufeful; when it operates as a
motive to a kind and honourable emulation with
the illuftrious dead; but when thofe who poflefs
the advantage, ejideavour to make it a fubftitute
for every other excellence, then indeed I think the
offender is entitled to no gentter fcntim.ent than my
contempt, or my pity.
Windrow. My Harriet mall, from this time,
regulate my opinions in every thing- and now may
I hope
Mifs Herbert. Not now 1 not now Go home
and be upon the watch to avail yourfelf of the firft
opportunity to reconcile every thing. Let this be
the firft probation of your recovery ; and if, when
next we meet, I mould find matters in a way that
promifes general happinefs, perhaps I may not be
fo cruel to myfelf as to deny you the civility .of
partaking in it.
fFingrove. Charming Harriet. [Exeunt feparately.
SCENE IV. Tie ddmirar* Garden.
Enter Mrs. RACHEL, WELFORD, and YOUNG
MANLY.
Rachel. Excufe me, Mr. Mai>Jy, Mifs Win-
L 2 grove's
7 THE FUGITIVE:
grove's feelings have been lately too much ag'tared
for me to fufier h?r to be expo fed to new con-
flicts.
Icung Manly. Madam, I came here to fatisfy
my anxious doubts about Mils XVjngrovc's fafrty ;
being once afiurtd of that, I refign mylar" to the
defpair I have ib juitly merited.
{Walks off,
Welford. Nav, but madam, don't let your ge-
nerous compaffion for the fair fuifcrer entirely
prevail over the penitent mifery of the offender .
let them but meet, and leave the reft to chance.
Rachel Well, fir, if I can prevail, Mr. Manly
fhail iee Mifs Wingrove but let him understand
I will not have her urged upon any point, and the
length of the interview mutt be entirely left to her
own pleafure and difcretion.
WAfcrd. It (hall, madam I engage for. his
obedience in every thing. [Exit Racket.] Come,
Manly, throw away your defpair. Mrs. Cleave-
land is gone to bring in your Julia.
Tcung Manly. Call her back, I befeech you. I
dare not meet my injurfd Icve - Call her back, I
inrreat you ; though I fVel this kindntfs from you,
Welfcrd, with double force, after my late beha-
viour tO you -how could I fufpectycu?
welfbrd. No more of that- --here fhe comes
without my trouble, and with her (hall I ilncj
them back ?
{Enter Mrs. RACHEL, and JULIA.]
[y& foon as they fse each other Manly kneels, and Julia
ret lines en Mrs Rachel.]
Young Manly. Oh! Julia.
Juita. Mr. Manly \
Toung
A C O M E D Y. 77
Ycung Manly. Oh ! my lov'd Julia, I dare not
approach you ; yet let me furvey that form, where
every virtue claims its own imprefiion. Let me
fee anger aggravated by fweetnefs, and juftice
in her mod awful form, inverted in all the terrors
of offended beauty. Look on me but whiJft J de-
fcrihe the agonies I have endured for your fuffer-
ings, and the pangs I have undergone for my in-
expiable guilt. I do not expect to be forgiven
only fay you will endeavour not to hate me;
and I go, my Julia if you will have it fo, for
ever.
Julia. Mr. Manly, I cannot very eafily hate
nay, fir, I even forgive you but if your hopes,
which I can hardly fuppofe, mould ex eed this
prudent limit they decdve you.
Welford. Come, Mifs Wingrove, let me hope
you will confider this matter. I will not prefs it
now bur
Julia. My obligations to you, fir, have been
important indeed ; but this is not a topic even
for the claims of gratitude. Mr. Manly, I am
fure, will not oppofb the only plan of comfort that
is left me a quiet, peaceful leclufion.
Young Manly. No, my Juiia, no never will I
difturb your repofe.
'Julia. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Cleveland j
but indeed I am not well.
Rachel. Be feated, my dear. I intreat you to
take your leave for the prefent, gentlemen.
Young Manly. Rafcal that I am !
[Exeunt Manly and Welford.
Rachel. Keep up your fpirits. I'll ftep into the
houfe and fetch fomething for your relief, my dear.
(Exit.
'Julia. I am forry, madam.
Enter
78 THE FUGITIVE:
Enter Lord DARTFORD and JENKINS, with Servants
bibind.
Lcrd Hartford. There (he is and alone, by all
that's lucky. Lofe no time. Ypu are lure the ad-
miral is not at home ?
Jenkins. Quire fure, my Lord.
Lord Dertjord. Very well , lofe no time ; ad*
vsnce. \JTbey fcize Julia.
Julia. What means this rudenefs Help! help!
Oh help me, or I am loft.
Re-enter MANLY, WELFORD, and RACHEL.
Toinig Marly. My Julia's vuce !
[Jenkins rw;< w/>v
Lord Dartford. Take care, Mr. Manly We
are weii armed take care, I fay.
Toung Many. Daftardly villain a piftol.
[Strikes it out of bis ha;-;d.
\^lhe Dartfcrd pzrty efcape.
How is rny Julia? Thank Heaven that has af-
forded me an opporcuni;y of being ferviceable to
her in any thing.
Welfcrd.. How fare you, aiadam ?
Julia. Much beholden, gentlemen, to you both j
but weary of this life of alarms and relcues.
Enter /idmiraTs Servant.
Fcrvant. Your father, Sir William, madam, is
within, enquiring for you.
Julia. I 'will intrude upon you fo much further
as to lead me to my father infUntly.
Toting Manly. To your father ! Muft it be fo,
Julia?
Julia. Do not oppofe my requeft, Mr. Manly ;
I am re&lved to throw myfelf upon his meicy.
'My
A C O M E D Y. 72
My misfortunes may have foftcned him. WiH
you be kind enough, madam, to accompany me ?
I (Vail nes d your friendly offices.
Rarbet. Mifs Wingrove may command me in
any thing.
To '.ing Manly, Come then, my Julia, and let
me deliver you up to that father from whofe ca-
pricious cruelty I fo lately thought to have given
you a happy and a lading freedom. \Extunt.
SCENE V. The Admiral's Houfe.
Enter Sir WILLIAM, M'fs JULIA, Mrs. RACHEL,
YOUNG MANLY, and Mr. WELFORD.
Sir William. I am overjoyed at your fafety y Ju-
lia; hut yet your leaving me
Rachel. Nay, Sir William, if the Hep your
daughter took was imprudent, who forced her to
k? Who was it that compelled her to feek an un-
certain refuge among ftrangers?
Sir William. 'Sdeath, madam, what had my
conduct to do with her d;fobedience? 'Tis true,
Lord Dartford's proposals to Mifs Herbert render
him unworthy my alliance ; but is not this man a
plebeian a fellow of yefterday ?
Welford. Here, fir, you muft allow me the li-
berty of obferving, that Mr. Manly's recent fer-
vices to your daughter, which you have juft heard,
merit a more liberal return.
Sir William. That's very true, indeed very
true I am ferry, indeed. I beg you ten thou-
fand pardons, upon my word, .Sir.
Enter M.7. WJN GROVE.
s. Where, where 1 is (he?
[Rum to Julia.
Sir William. 'Gad, I muft retrieve -mydigmty
in
to THE FUGITIVE:
in time, or William will be in a tremendous
fury I fay, fir, for any thing I know, you may
be a very good fort of perfon, but you will ex-
cufe me if 1 decline difgracing my family by a con-
neftion wuh one of your condition.
fPitxreve. What's that ?
Sir William. I fay, young gentleman, you havef
done my family a fervice I acknowledge it I am
grateful for it but
Wingrove. Nay, fir, now let me '-nterpofe. I have
long been fenfible of Mr. Manly's merirs, and
have placed myfelf in the way or the accomplfh-
ment of his wimesftorn caufcs, which at this mo-
ment I fed no delight in contemplating.
SirJfillian. Why, what's all this ? Why, Wil-
liam, is it you ? Arc you fare it is you ?
Wingrove* If identity depends upon the mind,
fir, I glory in faying it is not but, permit me to
tell you, fir, we have been too long unjuft to
the merit of Mr. Manly, and to the preference of
the unhappy Julia -befides, fir, after what has
happened it will be necefifary, even to the pride of
your houfe, that an immediate union mould take
place between Julia and Mr. Manly.
A;> William. Well, if the nectrffiry of the cafe
forbids ths pofiTbility of a choice, I defire it to he
u n d cr flood 1 give my free confent.
Toung Manly. Do you hear this, my Julia ? Par-
don roe, but can I be blamed if I am aftonifhed
into audacious hope
Julia. Do not, Mr. Manly renew a felicitation
that may tend to plunge me into the guilt of dif-
obedience a fecond time.
Enter OLD MANLY, Mifs MANLY, and Mifs HER-
BERT.
Old Manly. Mrs. Cleveland, you will excufe
an
A C O M E D Y. gx
an impatient fet of people who have too much af-
fection for that inconsiderate frllow there, but
hearing fomething of a fkirmifh here, in which he
had borne a part, we could not refift a kind of cu-
riofity to know the particulars. I would have
come by myfelf, but though my wife was too much
frightened to be able to ftir abroad, my daughter
was too much alarmed to be able to flay at home,
and fo here we are together.
Wingrove. You are heartily welcome, fir, and
I hope we fhall all be betterfriends before we part.
Mr.Welford 'to Mifs Manly.'] Dare I hope,
now, that my Emma has difmiflcd her doubts ?
Mifs Manly. Name them not, 'dear Mr. Wei-
ford, I befeech you.
Enter ADMIRAL CLEVELAND.
Admiral. Why, Hollo Rachel ! What's all this:
There was I gone to attend the examination of
that fmuggling dog Larron, and the woman he
lives with, for receiving ftolen gocds, when in
comes a hue and cry after me, with a Canterbury
tale of your being run away with---I confefs I did
not give much credit to that part of the ftory, bt-caufe
thinks I, an old maid, whatever may be the value
of her lading, is a fort of neutral veflel, that all
nation?, to do them juftice, hold very facred from
attack. I am glad to lee you all at my houfe.
Well, Sir William, may an old feaman, who boafts
no larger ftore of arms than the fhort allowance
which nature gave him, prefume to ftrike hands
with a man whofe anceftry bore command while
Noah was a midfhipman, eh!
Sir William. I don't very well underftand the in-
tention of your fpeech, Admiral, but your kind-
nefs to my daughter fpoke a language that could
M not
82 THE FUGITIVE:
not be mifmterpreted. I hope you'll excufe our
breaking in upon you in this manner.
Enter O'DONNEL.
Who fent for you, fir.
O'Dcmiel. An plafe your honour they have fe-
cured the fmart little gantleman below, that made
fuch a dirdum about Mifs and we want to know
what your honour intends to do wid him ? Whe-
dcr your honour wou'd give him de liberty to be
let in de flocks, or wou'd like better that he
Ihou'd take a pritty little walk in de horfe pond,
your honour.
Sir William. Who is it the fellow means ?
Young Manly. Lord Dartford, I fuppofe.
YoVMgWingrffve. Oh, let him go [ExiiO'Donnel]
you cannot punifh himhe is above your ridi-
cule- for he is below your contempt.
Old Manly. Bur, I fay, Admiral
Admiral. Well, my friend.
Old Manly. I was only going to fay, that as
this lord cannot but feel himielf at this juncture in
a fort of an aukward kind of a taking it would be
good nqtured in you, and I am fure very agree-
able to the company, to go to him and give him a
little of your comfort he's only vex'd now at
his difappointment but go to him, worthy Ad-
miral do and conible him into perfect mifery.
Admiral. Nay, my worthy friend, no more of
that, I befeech you, it was only a fmall fplice of
forecaftle merriment- the laft faculty an old fea-
man parts with is a little fort of a fneaking fond-
ncfs for a joke and as it is often the only com-
fort that (licks to him after a life of lervice, it
would be hard to deprive him of that.
Old Manly. So, when ^ou are no longer fit for
duty, you kindly turn the hulk into a tender, and
make
A C O M E D Y. 83
make it a crazy receptacle for forced jokes, and
preffed witricifms. Well, I forgive you.
Admiral. \to Old Manly.~\ Thank you, thank
you and now, Manly, I give you joy.
Old Manly. Eh ! -what joy \ I entreat you
my good friend -joy from you
. Admiral. Nay, I am ferious now I heartily
congratulate on the approaching happinefs, I hope,
of this wicked, honell fellow of a fon of your's
the conduct of this lord has brought him into the
wind of my favour again- -well, they may fay
what they will about the degeneracy of the times,
and the falling off of our morals, and all that ;
but, to my thinking, we improve in every thing
except in fighting, and in that though we may
equal damn me, if we can better, the good old
model of our forefathers. I .remember in my
younger years, there were fome few fcattered rem-
nants of fuch chaps as his lordfhip fome remains
of your old fchool of beaux, who had been the
infects of the former century, and which I had
hoped were all extinct by this time , who, like him,
werefhewy anddangercus, fitterfor manceveringthan
action, and more guady in their tackle, than found
in their bottom whereas, for ought I fee, the
ftriplings of thefe days, like this pickle Manly,
have all the gaiety of their predeceffors, with not
a quarter of their foppery ; and with lefs vice in
their hearts, have more nature in their follies.
\_Mifs Wingrove advances.
Julia. I can deny nothing, madam, to the kind
eloquence of fuch an advocate, the more fo, when
all powerful as it is, it receives fome fmall affift-
ance, I fear, from the perfuafions of my own heart
and now, Manly, .may a poor, pcrfecuted fu-
gitive hope at laft for a happy afylum from the fe-
verities of her fortunes ? Shall I truft myfelf
M 2 again
84 THE FUGITIVE:
again to the precarious direction of fo fickle a
guide---yes, I will truft, moft confidently truft
thee, for where there is generofity as the founda-
tion virtue in a man's nature, the memory of a
woman's Iprrows will fecure her againft a repeti-
tion of the caufe of them, nor with fuch a
mind, can her affi.-dr.ion fondly beftowed ever be
quite hopeltfs of a return.
Tou;-'.g Many. Dc-areit Julia, I will not injure
cither my gratitude or my love, by any attempt to
convey iln-m through the feeble vehicle of words
let my life fpeak the fincerity of my repentance,
and the homage of my devoted affection : and as
for that vice in particular which has protradbd my
happinefs, and, but for the generous kindnefs of
your brother, might have intercepted it for ever, I
renounce it to the end of my life---l abjure it-
no never fhall 1 offend by intemperance again.
Unlefs
Julia. Unlefs, Manly!
Wingrove. Unlefs, Mr. Manly!
Tcung Manly* Unlefs one favouring fmile from
this company fhould hurry us all into an unex-
peclecl excels---? n intemperance of HONEST GRA-
TITUDE.
FINIS.
E PI L O CUE,
WRITTEN BY THE
Right Hon. LIEUTENANT GENERAL BURGOYNE.
Spoken by Mrs. JORDAN.
M.ANY a fliop hangs forth, in Wit's behalf,
Fugitive Pieces neatly bound in calf:
With better hopes infpir'd, our Author fues,
Refuge in this Afylum of the Mufe :
One little corner of this .ample fpace,
Where Fugitives by hundreds Jha/t have place.
For inftance, now each clafs in order due,
Fugitive Critics I begin to you.
To you, who migrate from that cruel fchool
Which tries an author, but to prove him fool ;
Who quit the path by partial rigour trod ;
More pleas'd to weave the bays than lift the rod ;
To you, our judges in the laft refort,
Wide fly our doors behold your fov'reign court ;
O'er Tragic rights, o'er Comic laws prelide,
Temper your monitor and tafte your guide.
To thofe who bear not from mere tril of tongue,
Words of foft nothing, by foft nothing fung,
[Sings."] But one dull chime in Solo, Duo, Trio,
Ah! M. io JBet, to Ah, Bel Idol Mio.
Who by no forcery of fafhion bound,
Liftcn for fenfe e'er they applaud the found ;
We offer fhelter in well-hearing feats,
And our beft promife of united treats.
Next for friend John, this country's ftrength and pride,
Plain, frugal, competent, and fatisfied.
Who flying alehoufe, ribaldry and ftrife,
Takes Sue in arm, for John ne'er flies his wife
And dedicates to an inviting play,
The extra gainings of a lucky day.
To yonder harbour may they prefs in crowds
Our faithful overfeers in the clouds !
Sometimes, 'tis true, for Mufic eager grown,
Wheugb goes an overture in notes their own ;
And fometimes fterling joke appearing fcarce,
They roar for hornpipe to eke out a farce ;
But
EPILOGUE.
But ftill true nature, be it laugh or tear,
Finds with eleftric touch its centre there.
The pregnant fenfe of right ciifdains controul,
And the rough hand reports the honeft foul.
Now for that fpeaking look of gay fixteen,
A look fo arch, what breadth of fan can fcreen ?
Tho' timid, curious innocent but fly T
It alks, in fpeech call'd Whifper of the Eye
Sifter dear me what what are we to fly? j
Man Monfter man in fpecious colours hid
I mean not all the race, no, Heaven forbid !
I mean the wretch who fighs but to betray,
Take flight before temptation checks your way.
Hard is the trial 'gainft a traitor's art,
A heedlefs moment and a tender heart "1
Take flight from thefeof the mere breeze beware, >
Start like the frighted dove that gains the air, 3
Nor trufts her wing to flutter o'er the fnare.
Welcome, fweet Fugitives ; there (to the boxes] fearlefs
fit,
Where Beauty's girdle binds the realm of wit :
And virtue breath' d from our bright forms. below,
Shall waft its eflence to our topmoft row.
Such are the Fugitives whom we invite,
To aid the humble brother of to-night.
He in your juftice may fecurely truft,
But my hopes tell me, you'll be more than juft ;
And fpare one precious moment of applaufe,
Fen to the FUGITIVE who pleads his caufe.
THE
JEALOUS WIFE,
COMEDY,
AS IT IS ACTED
At the Theatre-Royal in Drury-Lane,
By GEORGE COLMAN-
Servatd femper LEGE et RATIONE.' Juv.
__ : -
The FIFTH E D I T I O N.
LONDON:
Printed for S. BLADON, No. 13, Paterfjofler-Rgiv
MDCCXC.
ADVERTISEMENT,
THE ufe that has been made in this Comedy
of Fielding s admirable Novel of 'Tom Jones,
muft be obvious to the moil ordinary reader.
Some hints have alfo been taken from the account
of Mr. and Mrs. Freeman, in No, 212, and No. 216,
of the Spectator ; and the fhort fcene of Charles's
intoxication, at the end of the Third Act, is partly
an imitation of the behaviour of Syrus, much in
the fame circumftances, in the Adelfhi of Terence^
There are alfo fome traces of the character of the
Jealous Wife, in one of the latter papers of the
Connoiffeiir .
It would be unjuft, indeed, to omit mentioning
my obligations to Mr. Gar rick. To his inflection
the Comedy was fubmitted in its firft rude ftate ;
and to my care and attention to follow his advice
in many particulars, relating both to the Fable and
Characters, I know that I am much indebted for
the reception which this Piece has met with from,
the Public.
PROLOGUE.
WRITTEN by Mr. LLOYD.
SPOKEN by Mr. G A R R I C K,
THE Jealous Wife / A Comedy ! Poor Man ! .
A charming fubjeft ! but a ivretched plan.
His fkitii/b wit) o'er leaping the due bound)
Commits flat trefpafs upon tragic ground.
Quarrels, upbraidings, jealoujies, andfpleen,
Grow too familiar in the comic Jcene.
^inge but the language with heroic chime,
'Tis pajjion, pathos, character, fublime /
What round big words hadfweud the pompous fcene,
A King the hujband, and the wife a Queen !
Then might di/traftion rend her graceful hair,
Sec fightlefs forms, andfcream, and gape, and ftare.
Drawcanfir Death had rag'd without controul,
Here the drawn dagger, there the poifon'd bowl.
What eyes hadjlreamed at all the whining woe /
What hands had thunder* d at each Hah 1 and Oh !
But peace ! the gentle Prologue cuftom (ends,
Like drum andferjeant, to beat up for friends.
At vice and f oily, each a lawful game,
Our Author flies, but with no partial aim.
He read the manners, open as they lie
In Nature's volume to the general eye.
Books too he read, nor blujh'd to ufe their flare
He docs but what his betters did before.
Shakefpeare has done it, and the Grechnfage
Caught truth of character from Homer ' s page*
If -in his fcenes an boneji jkill isjhewn,
And borrowing little, much appears his own ;
If what a mafter' 's happy pencil drew
He brings more forward in dramatic view;
To your decijion he fubmits his caufe,
Secure of candour, anxious for applaufe.
But i^ all rude, his artlefs fcenes deface
Thefimple beauties which he meant to grace,
If, an invader upon others land,
He fpoi I and plunder with a robber's hand,
I)o juflice on him I As en fools before,
And give to Blockheads pajl one Blockhead more*
A 2
Dramatis Perfonse.
OaVy,
Major Oaklv,
Charles,
Ru/et,
Sir Harry Beagle,
Lord Trinket,
Captain 0'Cutter t
Paris,
William,
John,
Tom,
Servant to Lady Free love,
Mrs. Oakly,
Lady Freelove,
Harriot,
Toilet,
Chambermaid^
Mr. BENSLEY.
Mr. BADDELEY.
Mr. BARRYMORE.
Mr. AICKIN.
Mr. R. PALMER.
Mr. DODD.
Mr. MOODY.
Mr. PHILUMORE.
Mr. WILSON.
Mr. ALFRED.
Mifs FARREN.
Mrs. HOPKINS.
Mrs. KEMBLE.
Mils TIDSWELL.
Mrs. HEARD.
THE
JEALOUS WIFE,
ACT i.
SCENE, a Room in OaklyV houfe. Noife
heard within.
Mrs. Oakly, within.
DON'T tell me I know it is fb- It's mon-
ftrous, and I will not bear it*
Oak. .within. But, my dear \
Mrs. Oak, Nay, nay, &c, [Squabbling within.
Enter Mrs. Oakly, with a letter, Oakly following.
Mrs. Oak. Say what you will, Mr. Oakly, you
ihall never perfuade me, but this is fome filthy in-
trigue of yours.
Oak. I can aflure you, my love !
Mrs. Oak. Your love ! Don't I know your
Tell me, I fay, this inftant, every circumftance
relating to this letter.
Oak. How can I tell you, when you will not f
much as let me fee it ?
A 3
6 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Mrs. Oak. Look you, Mr. Oakfy, this ufage is
not to be borne. You take a pleafure in abufmg
my tendernefs and foft difpofition. To be per-
petually running over the whole town, nay, the
whole kingdom too, in purfuit of your amours !
Did not I difcover that you was great with Ma-
demoifelle, my own woman ? Did cot you con-
trae~l a fhameful familiarity with Mrs. Freeman .^~-
Did not I detect your intrigue with Lady Wealthy ?
Was not you
Oak. Oons ! madam, the Grand Turk himfelf
has not half fo many miflreffes You throw me
out of all patience Do I know any body but our
common friends ? Am I vifited by any body, that
does not vifit you ? Do I ever go out, unlefs you
go with me ? And am I not as conftantly by your
fide, as if I was tied to your apron firings ?
Mrs. Oak. Go, go, you are a falfe man
Have not I found you out a thoufand times ? And
have not I this moment a letter in my hand,
which convinces me of your bafenefs ? Let me
know the whole affair, or I will
Oak. Let you know ? Let me know what you
ttxDukl have of me You flop my letter before it
comes to my hands, and then expert that I Ihou'd
know the contents of it.
Mrs. Oak. Heaven be praifed ! I flopt it. I fuf-
pefted fome ofthefe doings for fome time pad-
But the letter informs me who fhe is, and I'll be
revenged on her fufficiently. Oh, you bafe man,
you !
Oak. I beg my dear, that you would moderate
your paflion 1 Shew me the letter, and I'll con-
vince you of my innocence.
Mrs. Oak. Innocence ! Abominable ! Inno-
cence ! But I am not to be made fuch a fool I am
convinced of your perfidy, and very fure that
Oak.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 7
Oak. 'Sdeath and fire ! your palfion hurries you
oUt of your fenfes-^ Will you hear me ?
Mrs. Oak. No, you are a bafe man ; and I will
not hear you.
Oak. Why then, my dear, fince you will neither
talk reafonably yourfelfj nor liften to reafon from
me, I fhall take my leave till you are in a better
humour. So, your fervant ! [Going.
Mrs. Oak. Ay, go, you cruel man ! -Go to
your miftrefTe.s, and leave your poor wife to. her
miferies. How unfortunate a woman am J i-
I could die with vexation
[Throwing h erf elf into a chair.
Oak- There it is Now dare not I ftir a ftep fur-
ther If I offer to go, fhe is in one of her fits in
an inftant Never fure was woman at once of fo
violent and fo delicate a conftitution ! What fhall
I fay to footh her ? Nay, never make thyfelf fo
uneafy, my dear Come, come, you know I love
you. Nay, nay, you lhall be convinced.
Mrs. Oak. I know you hate rne ; and that your
unkindnefs and barbarity will be the death of me.
\Whining.
Oak. Do not vex yourfelf at this rate I love
you moft paffionately Indeed I do This muft be
ibme miftake.
Mrs. Oak. O, I am an unhappy woman !
{Weeping.
Oak. )ry up thy tears, my love, and be com-
forted ! You will find that I am not to blame in
this matter Come, let me fee this letter Nay,
you (hall not deny me. [Toting the letter.
Mrs. Oak. There ! take it, you .know the hand,
I am fure.
Oak. To Charles Oakly, Efq ; (Reading.) Hand !
'Tis a clerk-like hand, indeed ! a good round
text ! and was certainly never penned by a fair
lady.
A 4 Mrs.
8 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Mrs. Oak. Ay, laugh at me, do !
Oak. Forgive me, my love, I did not mean to
laugh at thee But what fays the letter ?
[Reading.'] Daughter eloped -you muft be privy to it
-fcandalous dishonourable -Jatisfaftion revenge
urn, urn, um injured, Father*
Henry Ruflfet.
Mrs. Oak. [Rtfing.] Well, SirYou fee I have
detected you Tell me this inftant where fhe is
concealed.
Oak. So fo fo This hurts me I'm
fhock'd [To bimfelf.
Mrs. Oak. What are you confounded with your
guilt ? Have I caught you at laft ?
Oak. O that wicked Charles /To decoy a young
lady from her parents in the country ! The pro-
fligacy of the young fellows of this age is abomi-
,iable. [To bimfelf.
Mrs. Oak. [Half afide and mufing.] Charles! Let
me fee ! Charles ! No ! Impofllble. This is
all a trick.
Oak. He has certainly ruined this poor. lady.
[To him f elf.
Mrs. Oak. Art ! art ! all art ! There's a fud-
den turn now ! You have ready wit for intrigue,
I find.
Oak. Such an abandoned action ! I wifli I had
never had the care of him. [To bimfelf.
Mrs. Oak. Mighty fine, Mr. Oakly \ Go on, Sir,
go on ! I fee what you mean. Your aifurance
provokes me beyond your very falfhood itfelf.
So you imagine, Sir, that this affected concern,
this flimfy pretence about Charles, is to bring you
off". Matchlefs confidence '.But I am armed
againft every thing. 1 am prepared for all
your dark fchemes : I am aware of all your low
ftratagems.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 9
Oak. See there now ! Was ever any thing fo
provoking ? To perfevere in your ridiculous <~
For Heaven's fake, my dear, don't diftraft me.
When you fee my mind thus agitated and uneafy,
that a young fellow, whom his dying father, my
own brother, committed to rny care, (hould be
guilty of fuch enormous wickednefs ; I fay, when
you are witnefs of my diftrefs on this occafion, how
can you be weak enough and cruel enough to
Mrs. Oak. Prodigioufly well, Sir ! You do it very
well. Nay, keep it. up, carry it on, there's nothing
like going through with it. O you artful crea-
ture ! But, Sir, I am not to be fo eaiily fatisfied.
I do not believe a fyllable of all this Give me
the letter [Snatching the letter. ,] You lhall
forely repent this vile bufjnefs, for I am reiblved
that I will know the bottom of it. [Exif.
Oakly, Jolus..
Oak. This is beyond all patience. Provoking
woman ! Her abfurd fufpicions interpret every
thing; the wrong way. She delights to make me
wretched, becaufe fhe fees I am attached to her,
and converts my tendernefs and affection into the
inftruments of my own torture. But this ungra-
cious boy ! In how many troubles will he involve
his own and his lady's family 1 never ima-
gin'd that he was of fuch abandon'd principles.
O, here he comes !
Enter Major Oakly, and Charles.
Char. Good-morrow, Sir !
Maj. Good-morrow, brother, good-morrow !
What ! yon have been at the old v/ork, I find. I
heard you ding ! dong ! i'faith ! She has rung a
noble peal in your ears. But how now ? Why fure
you've had a remarkable warm bout on't. You
feem more ruffled than ufual.
Oak.
to The JEALOUS WIFE.
Oak. I am, indeed, brother ! Th?.nks to that
young gentleman there. Have a care, Charles! you
may be called to a fevere account for this. The
honour of a family, Sir, is no fuch light marter.
Char. Sir!
Maj. Hey-day ! What has a curtain-lecture
produced a lecture of morality ? What is all this ?
Oak. To a profligate mind, perhaps, thefe things
may appear agreeable in the beginning. But don't
you tremble at the confequences ?
Char. I fee, Sir, that you are difpleafed with
me, but I am quite at a lofs how to guefs at the
occafion.
Oak. Tell me, Sir! where \sMifs Harriof Ru/et ?
Char. Mifs Harriot Ruffet / Sir^-Explain.
Oak. Have not you decoy 'd her from her father!
Char. 1 ! Decoy'd her Decoy'd my Harriet !
-I would fooner die than do her the leaft injury.
What can this mean ?
Maj. I believe the young dog has been at her,
after all.
Oak. I was in Hopes, Charles, you had better
principles. But there's a letter juft come from
her father-
Char. A letter ! What letter ? Dear Sir, give
it me. Some intelligence of my Harriot, Major !
The letter, Sir, the letter this moment, for
Heaven's fake !
Oak. If this warmth, Charles, tends to prove-
your innocence
Char. Dear Sir, excufe me I'll prove any
thing Let me but fee this letter, and I'll
Oak* Let you fee it ? 1 could hardly get a
fight of it myfelf. Mrs. Oakly has it.
Char. Has Hie got it ? Major, I'll be with you
again directly. [Exit haftily.
Maj. Hey-day ! The devil's in the boy ! What a
fiery
JEALOUS WIFE. 11
fiery fet of people ! By my troth, I think the *hole
family is made of nothing but combuflibles.
Oak. I like this emotion. It looks well. It may
ferve too to convince my wife of the folly of her
fufpicions. Wou'd to Heaven I could quiet them
for ever !
Maj. Why pray now, my dear naughty brother,
what heinous offence have you committed this
morning ? What new caufe of fufpicion ? You
have been afking one of the maids to mend your
ruffle, I ruppofe, or have been hanging your head
out of window, when a pretty young woman has
paftby, or
Oak. How can you trifle with my diftreffes, M&-
jor ? Did not I tell you it was about a letter ?
Maj. A letter ! hum A fuipicious circtim-
ftance, to be fure ! What, and the feal a true*
iover's knot now, hey ! or an heart transfix! with
darts ; or poflibly the wax bore the induftrious im-
preflion of a thimble ; or perhaps the folds were
lovingly connected by a wafer, pricked with a pin,
and the direction written in a vile fcrawl, and not
a word fpeh as it fhould be ; ha ! ha I ha !
Oak. Pooh ! brother Whatever it was, the
letter, you find, was for Cbartes, not for me
this outrageous jealoufy is the devil.
Maj. Mere matrimonial blefiings and domeftick
comfort, brother ! jealoufy is a certain fign of love.
Oak. Love ! it is this very love that hath made
us both fo miferable Her love for me has con-
fined me to my houfe, like a ftate prifbner, with-
out the liberty of feeing my friends, or the ufe
of pen, ink, and paper; while my love for her
has made fuch a fool of me, that I have never had
the fpirit to contradict her.
Maj. Ay, ay, there you've hit it ; Mrs. Oakly
would make an excellent wife, if you did but
know how to manage her.
Oak.
22 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Onk. You are a rare fellow, indeed, to talk of*
managing a wife A debauch'd batchelor
a rattle-brain'd, rioting fellow who have
pick'd up your common-place notions of women
in bagnios, taverns, and the camp; whofe moft
refined commerce with the fex has been in order
to delude country girls at your quarters, or to
befiege the virtue of abigails, milliners or man-
tuamaker's prentices.
Maj. So much the better ! fo much the better !
women are all alike in the main, brother, high or
low, married or fmgle, quality or no quality*
I have found them fo, from a duchefs down to a
milkmaid.
Oak. Your iavage notions are ridiculous. What
do you know of a hufband's feelings ? You, who
comprife all your qualities in your honour, as you
call it ! Dead to all fentiments of delicacy, and
incapable of any but the groffefl attachments to
women. This is your boafted refinement, your
thorough knowledge of the world ! While with
regard to women, one poor train of thinking,
one narrow fet of ideas, like the uniform of the
regiment, ferves the whole corps.
Maj. Very fine, brother ! there's common-
place for you with avengeance. Henceforth, expeft
no quarter from me. I tell you again and again,
I know the fex better than you do. They all love
to give themfelves airs, and to have power :
every woman is a tyrant at the bottom. But they
could never make a fool of me. No, no ! no
woman fhould ever domineer over me, let her be
miftrefs or wife.
Oak. Single men can be no judges in thefe cafes.
They muft happen in all families. But when
things are driven to extremities to fee a
woman in uneafmefs a woman one loves too
one's wife who can withftand it? you
neither
The JEALOUS WIFE. 13
peither fpeak nor think like a man that has lov'd,
and been married, Major I
Ma). I wifli I could hear a married man fpeak
my language I'm a batchelor, it's true; but
I am no bad judge of your cafe for all that. I
know yours and Mrs. Qakly*s dilpoiition to a hair.
She is all impetuofity and fire. A very maga-
zine of touchwood and gunpowder. rYou are hoe
enough too upon occaiion, but then it's over in an
inftant. In comes love and conjugal affection, as
you call it; that is, mere folly and weaknefs
and you draw off your forces, juft when you fhou'd
purfue the attack, and follow your advantage.
Have at her with fpirit^ and the day's your own,
brother !
Oak. I tell you, brother, you miftake the mat-
ter. Sulkinefs, fits, tears ! thefe, and fuch
as thefe, are the things which make a feeling man
tmeafy. Her paflion and violence have not half
fuch an effecl: on me.
Maj. Why, then, you may be fure, fhe'll play
that upon you, which fhe finds does moft execution.
But you muft be proof againft every thing. If fhe's
furious, fet paffion againft paflion ; if you find her at
her tricks, play off art againft art, and foil her at
her own weapons. That's your game, brother !
Oak. Why, what wou'd you have me do ?
Maj. Do as you pleafe, for one month, whether
fhe likes it OF not ; and, I'll anfwer for it, fhe will
confent you fliall do as you pleafe all her life after,
Oak. This is fine talking. You c]b not confider
the difficulty that
Maj. You muft overcome all difficulties. Af-
fert your right boldly, man ! give your own or-
ders to fervants, and fee they obferve them ; read
your own letters, and never let her have a fight of
them ; make your own appointments, and never
be perfuaded to break them ; fee what company
you
14 The JEALOUS WIFE:
you like j go out when you pleafe ; return when
you pieafe, and don't iiiffcr ycuifelf to be call'd to
account where you have been. In fhort, do but
fhew yourfelf a man of ipiric, leave off whining
about love and tenderncfs, and nonfenie, and
the bufmefs is done, brother !
Oak. I believe you are in the right, Major I I
fee you're in the right. I'll do't, I'll certainly do't.
< But then it hurts me to the foul, to think what
uneafmefs I fhall give her. The firft opening of
my defign will throw her into fits, and the" purfuit
of it perhaps may be fatal.
Maj. Fits! ha! ha \ ha! ^Fits ! I'll en-
gage to cure her of her fits. Nobody under-
stands hyfterical cafes better than I do: befides,
my filter's fymptoms are not very dangerous.
Did you ever hear of her falling into a fit, when
you was not by ? Was (he ever found in con-
vulfions in her clofet ? No, no, thefe fits, the
more care you take of them, the more* you will
increafe the diftemper : let them alone, and they
will wear themfelves out, I warrant you.
Oak. True very true you're certainly in the
right I'll follow your advice. Where do you dine
to-day ? I'll order the coach, and go with you.
Maj. O brave ! keep up this fpirit, and you're
made for ever.
Oak. You fhall fee now. Major ! Who's there ?
[Enter Servant.] Order the coach directly. I {frail
dine out to-day.
Serv. The coach, Sir! Now ? Sir !
Oak. Ay, now, immediately.
Serv. Now ? Sir ! the the coach \ Sir <
v- -that is my miftrefs
Oak. Sirrah ! do as you're bid. Bid them put
to this inftant.
Serv. Ye yes, Sir yes, Sir* [Exit.
Oak* Well, where fhall we dine ?
I
The JEALOUS WIFE. t$
Maj. At the St. Attaris, or where you will.
This is excellent, if you do but hold it.
Oak. I will have my own way, I am deter-
mined.
Maj. That's right.
Oak. I am'ftcel.
Maj. Bravo !
Oak. Adamant.
Maj. BraviiTimo !
Oak. Jufl what you'd have me,
Maj. Why, that's well faid. But will you do it ?
Oak. I will.
Maj. You won't.
"Oak. I will. I'll be a fool to her no longer.*
But hark-ye, Major ! my hat and fword lie in my
iludy. I'll go and fteal them out, while Ihe ia
bufy talking with Charles.
Maj. Steal them ! for fhame ! Pr'ythee take
them boldly, call for them, make them bring them
to you here, and go out with fpirit, in the face of
your whole family.
Oak. No, no -. -you are wrong let her
rave after I am gone, and when 1 return, you
know, I fhall exert myfelf with more propriety,
after this open affront to her authority.
Maj. Well, take your own way.
Oak. Ay, ay* let me manage it, let me ma-,
nage it. \Exit.
Major Oakly, folus.
Maj. Manage it ! ay, to be fure, you're a rare
manager ! It is dangerous, they fay, to meddle
between man and wife. I am no great favourite
of Mrs. Oakly*s already ; and in a week's time I
expeft to have the door Ihut in my teeth.
Enter Charles.
How now, Charles, what news ?
Char* Ruin'd and undone ! flic's gone, uncle !
my Harriot's loit for ever.
Ma}\
16 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Maj. Gone off with a man r 1 thought fo ;
they are all alike.
C&zr, Q no ! Fled to avoid that hateful match
with Sir Harry Beagle.
.Maj. Faith, a girl of fpirit; ! Joy ! Charles , I
give you joy; fhe is your own, my boy! A fool
and a great eftate ! Devilifh ftrong temptations !
Char. A wretch ! I was fure fhe wou'd never
think of him,
Me.). No ! to be fure \ commend me to your
modefty ! Refufe five thoufand a year, arid a
Baronet, for pretty Mr. Charles Oakly ! It is true*
indeed, that the looby has not a fingle idea in his
head, befides a hound^ a. hunter, a five-barred
gate, and a horfe race ; but then he's rich, and
that will qualify his abfurdities. Money is a won-
derful improver of the underftariding.-r But
whence comes all this intelligence
Char. In an angry letter from her father.
How miferable I am ! If I had not offended my
Harriot, much offended her by that fooiifh riot
and drinking at your houfe in the country, fhe
wou'd certainly at fuch a time have taken refuge
in my arms.
Maj. A very agreeable refuge for a young lady
to be fure, and extremely decent !
Char. I am all uneafmefs. Did not fhe tell me,
that fhe trembled at the thoughts of having
trufted her affections with a man of fuch a wild
difpofition ? What a heap of extravagancies was
I guilty of!
Maj. Extravagancies with a witnete ! Ah, you
filly young dog, you woird ruin yourfelf with her
father, in fpite of all I cou'd do. There you fat,
as drunk as a lord, telling the old gentleman the
whole affair, and fwearin.g you would drive Sir.
Harry Beagle out of the country, though I kept
winking and nodding, pulling you by the fleeve.
and
The JEALOUS WIFE. iy
and kicking your fhins under the table, in hopes
of flopping you, but all to no purpofe.
Char. What diftrefs may fhe be in at this in-
ftant ! alone and defencelefs ! where ? where
tan fhe be ?
Maj. What relations or friends has fhe in
town ?
Char. Relations ! let me fee. Faith ! I have it.
If fhe is in town, ten to one but fhe is at her
aunt's, Lady Freelove's. I'll go thither imme-
diately*
Maj. Lady Freelove's, \ Hold, hold, Charles /
do you know her ladyfhip ?
Char. Not much; but I'll break through all
forms, to get to my Harriot.
Maj. I do know her ladyfhip.
Char. Well, and what do you know of her ?
Maj. O nothing ! Her ladyfhip is a woman
of the world, that's all- - fhe'll introduce Harriot
to the befl company.
Char. What do you mean ?
Maj* Yes, yes, I wou'd truft a wife, or a daugh-
ter, or a miftrefs with Lady Freelwe, to be fure !
I tell you what, Charles! you're a good boy, but you
don't know the world. Women are fifty times
oftener ruined by their acquaintance with each
other, than by their attachment to men. One
thorough-paced lady will train up a thoufand no-
vices. Thar. Lady Freelove is an arrant by the
bye, did not fhe, lafl fummer, make formal pro-
pofals to Harriot's father from Lord Trinket.
Char. Yes ! but they were received with the utmoft
contempt. The old gentleman, it feems, hates a
lord, and he told her fo in plain terms.
Maj. Such an averfion to the nobility may not
run in the blood. The girl, I warrant you, has no
objection. However, if fhe's there, watch her
narrowly, Charles I Lady Freelove is as mifchievous
B as
in The JEALOUS W I F E.
as a monkey, and as cunning too. Have a card
of her. I fay, have a care of her.
Char. If fhe's there, I'll have her out of the
houfe within this half hour, or fet fire to it.
Maj. Nay, now you're too violent. Stay a rno-^
ment, and we'll confider what's belt to be done^
Re-enter Oakly.
Oak. Gome, is the coach ready ? Let us be
gone. Does Charles go with us ?
Char. I go with you ! ~what can I do ? I am
fo vext and diftraded, and fo many thoughts croud
in upon me, I don't know which way to turn myfelf.
Mrs. Oak. [within. "} The eoach ! dines out \
where is your matter.
Oak. Zouns ! brother, here fhe is !
Enter Mrs. Oakly.
Mrs. Oak. Pray, Mr. Oakly, what is the matter
you cannot dine at home to-day ?
Oak. Don't be uneaiy, my dear ! 1 have ?
little bufmefs to fettle with my brother ; ib I am
only juft going to dinner with him and Charles to
the tavern.
Mrs. Oak. Why cannot you fettle your bufinefs
here as well as at a tavern ? But it is fbme of
your ladies bufmefs, I luppok, and fo you mud
get rid of my company this is chiefly your
fault, Major Oakly !
Maj. Lord ! fitter, what fignifies it, whether d
man dines at home or abroad ? [Coolly.
Mrs. Oak. It figniries a great deal, Sir ! and I
don't chufe
Maj. Phoo ! let him go, my dear fitter, let him
go ! he will be ten times better company when he
comes back. I tell you what, fitter you fit
at home till you are quite tired of one another, and
then
The JEALOUS WIFE* 19
then you grow crofs, and fall out. If you wou'd
but part a little now and. then, you might meet
again in good humour.
Mrs. Oak. I beg, Major Oakly, that you wou'd
trouble yourfelf about your own affairs ; and let
me tell you, Sir; that I
Oak. Nay, do not put thyfelf into a pafilon with
the Major , my dear ! It is not his fault - y and I
fhall come back to thee very foon.
Mrs. Oak. Come back ! -why need you go
Out ? I know well enough when you mean to de-
ceive rrtc : for then there is always a pretence of
dining with Sir John, or my Lord, or fomebodyj
but when you tell me, that you are going to a ta-
vern, it's fuch a barefaced affront
Oak. This is fo ftrange now ! Why, my
dear, I ftiallonlyjuft
Mrs. Oak. Only juft go after the lady> in the
letter, I fuppofe.
OaL Well, well, I won't go then. Will that
convince you ? I'll ftay with you, my dear ! *
will that latisfy you ?
Maj. For fhame ! hold out, if you!
are a man. Apart
Oak. She has been fo much vext | between.
this morning already, I mull humour ^ Oakly
her a little now.
Maj. Fie ! fie ! go out, or you're undone.
and the
Major.
Oak. You fee it's impoflible-
[To Mrs. Oakly.] I'll dine at home "with thee,
my love.
Mrs. Oak. Ay, ay, pray do, Sir ! - dine .at a
tavern indeed ! [Going.
Oak. [Returning.] You may depend on me ano-
ther time, Major.
Maj. Steel and adamant ! Ah !
Mrs. Oak. [Returning.'] Mr. Oakly !
Oak. O my dear ! [Exeunt.
B 2 Manent
20 The JEALOUS W I F E.
Manetrt Major Oakly and Charles.
Maj. Ha ! ha ! ha ! there's a picture of refolti-
tion. There goes a philofopher for you ! ha ! Charles !
Char. O uncle ! I have no fpirits to laugh now*
Maj. So ! I have a fine time on't between you
and my brother. Will you meet me to dinner at
the St. Alban's by four ? We'll drink her health,
and think of this affair.
Char. Don't depend on me. I fhall be running
all over the town in purfuit of my Harriot. I
have been confidering what you have laid, but at
all events I'll go directly to Lady Freelove's. If I
find her not there, which way I fhall direct myfelf,
Heaven knows.
Maj. Hark'ye, Charles ! If you meet with her,
you may be at a lots. Bring her to my houfe.
I have a fnug room, and
Char. Phoo ! pr'ythee, uncle, don't trifle with
me now.
Maj. Well, ferioufly then, my houfe is at your
fervice.
Char. I thank you : but I muft be gone.
Maj. Ay, ay, bring her to my houfe, and
we'll fettle the whole affair for you. You fhall
clap her into a poft-chaife, take the chaplain of
our regiment along with you, wheel her down to
Scotland, and when you come back, fend to fettle
her fortune with her father : that's the modern
art of making love, Charles! [Exeunt.
ACT
The JEALOUS WIFE. 21
ACT. II.
S C E N E a Room in the Bull and Gate Inn.
Enter Sir Harry Beagle, and Tom.
Sir Harry. 9 I ^EN guineas a mare, and a crown
the man ? hey, 'Tom !
Tom. Yes, your honour.
Sir H, And are you fure, Vain, that there is no
flaw in his blood ?
'Tom. He's a good thing, Sir, and as little be-
holden to the ground, as any horfe that ever went
over the turf upon four legs. Why, here's his
whole pedigree, your honour !
Sir tL Is it attefted ?
Tom. Very well attefted : it is figned by Jack
Spur, and my Lord Star tall. [Giving the pedigree.
Sir H. Let me fee [Reading] Tom come tickle
we was out of the famous Tantwivy mare, by
Sir Aaron Driver's chefnut horfe White Stockings.
White Stockings his dam, was got by Lord Hedge's
South Barb, full lifter to the Proferpine Filley, and
his fire 'Tom Jones-, his grandam was the Irijh
Ducbefsj and his grandfire 'Squire Sportlfs Trajan ;
his great grandam, and great, great, grandam,
were Nevamarkst Peggy and Black Moll, and his great
grandfire, and great great grandfire, were Sir Ralph
Regulus, and the famous Prince Anamaboo.
his
JOHN + SPUR,
Mark.
STARTALL,
B 3 font.
ftj The JEALOUS WIFE.
Tom. All fine horfes, and won every thing!
a foal ovt of your honour's Bald-faced Venus, by
this horfe, would beat the world.
Sir H. Well then, we'll think on't. -But pox
on't, 'Tom, I have certainly knock'd up my little
roan gelding, in this damn'd wild-goofe chace of
threefcore miles an end.
'Tom. He's deadly blown to be fure, your ho-
nour ; and J am afraid we are upon a wrong fcent
after all. Madam Harriot certainly took a-crofs
the country, inftead of coming on to London.
Sir H. No, no, we traced her all the way up
but d'ye hear, Tom, look out among the ftable
and repositories here in town, for a fmart road-
nag, and a ftrong horfe to carry a portman.tua.
Tom. Sir Roger Turfs horfes are to be fold I'll
fee if there's ever a tight thing there but J
fuppofe, Sir, you would have one fomewhat ftron-
ger than Snip- 1 don't think he's quite enough
of a horfe for your honour.
Sir H. Not enough of a horfe ! Snip's a power-
ful gelding ; matter of two ftone more than my.
weight. If Snip ftands found, I would not take a
hundred guineas for him. Poor Snip ! go into
the ftable, Tom ! fee they give him a warm malh,
and look at his heels and his eyes. -But where's
Mr. Ruffet all this while ?
Tom. I left the 'Squire at breakfaft on a cold
pigeon-pye, and enquiring after Madam Harriot
in the kitchen. I'll let him know your honour
wou'd be glad to fee him here.
Sir H. Ay, do : but hark'ye Tom, be fure you,
take care of Snip.
Tom. I'll warrant your honour.
Sir H. I'll be down in the ftables myfelf by
by. [Exit Tom,
Sir Harry
The JEALOUS WIFE, 23
Sir Harry fotus.
Let me fee out of the famous Tantwivy by
White Stockings : White Stockings 'his dam, full fifter
to the Proferpine Filley, and his firepox on't, how
unlucky it is, that this damn'd accident fhou'd
happen in the Newmarket week ! -ten to one I
lofe my match with Lord Choakjade, by not riding
myfelf, and I fhall have no opportunity to hedge
my bets neither ^-what a damn'd piece of work
have I made on't ! ^1 have knoc^'d up poor Snip,
fhall lofe my match, and as to Harriof, why, the
odds are that I lofe my match there too a
ikittifh young tit ! If I once get her tight in hand,
I'll make her wince for it. Her eftate join'd to
my ov/n, I would have the fined ftud, and the
nobleft kennel in the whole country but here
comes her father, puffing and blowing, like a
broken-winded horfe up hill.
Enter Ruflet.
Ruf. Well, Sir Harry > have you heard any
thing of her ?
Sir H. Yes, I have been afking T'om about her,
and he fays you may have her fo.r five hundred
guineas.
Ruf. Five hundred guineas ! how d'ye mean ?
where is fhe ? which way did fhe take ?
Sir H. Why firft fhe went to Epfom, then to. Lin-
toln, then to Nottingham, and now fhe is at York.
Ruf. Impoflible ! fhe could not go over half
the ground in the time. What the devil are
you talking of ?
Sir H. Of the mare you was juft now faying you
wanted to buy.
Ruf. The devil take the mare ! -who wou'd
think of her, when I am mad about an affair of
fo much more confequence ?
B 4 Sirh.
24 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Sir H. You feemed mad about her a little while?
ago. She's a. fine mare, and a thing of fhapc
and blood,
RuJ. Damn her blood ! Harriot ! my dear
provoking Harriot ! Where can flie be ? Have you
got any intelligence of her ?
Sir H. No, faith not I : we feem to be quite
thrown out here- ^but however I have ordered,
Tom to try if he can hear any thing of her among
the oftlers.
RuJ. Why don't you enquire after her yourfelf ?
why don't you run up and down the whole town,
after her ? r-t'other young rafcal knows where
fhe is, I warrant you^ what a plague it is to
have a daughter ! when one loves her to diftrac-
tion, and has toil'd and labour'd to make her happy,
the ungrateful flut will fooner go to hell her own
way but fhe Jhall have him 1 will make her
happy, if I break her heart for it a provoking
giply ! To run away, and torment her poor fa-
ther, that doats on her ! I'll never fee her face
again Sir Harry, how can we get any intelligence
of her ? Why don't you fpeak ? why don't you
tell me ?-r Zouns ! you feem as indifferent as if
you did not care a farthing about her.
Sir H. Indifferent ! you may well call me in-
different this damn'd chace after her will coil
me a thoufand if it had not been for her, I
wou'd not have been off the courfe this week,
to have fav'd the lives of my whole family
I'll hold you fix to two that
RuJ. Zouns ! hold your tongue, or talk more
to the purpofe 1 fwear, fhe is too good for you
you don't defer ve fuch a wife a fine, dear,
fweet, lovely, charming girl ! She'll break my
heart. -How (hall I find her out ? Do pr'y-r.
thee, Sir Harry, my dear honeft friend, eonfider
Jiow we may difcover where fhe is fled to.
2 Sir H,
The JEALOUS WIFE. 2$
Sir H, Suppofe you put an advertifement into
the news-papers, defcribing her marks, her age,
her height, and where fhe ftrayed from. I reco^
ver'd a bay mare once by that method.
Ruf. Advertife her N What ! defcribe my
daughter, and expofe her in the publick papers,
with a reward for bringing her home, like horfes,
ftolen or ftray'd !> recovered a bay mare ! .
the devil's in the fellow ! ?-he thinks of no-
thing but racers, and bay mares, and ftallions,
'Sdeath ! I wifh your
Sir H. I wifh Harriot was fairly pounded, I*
wou'd fave us both a deal of trouble.
Ruf. Which way fhall I turn myfelf ! -I am
half diftracted.-r <-If I go to that young dog's
houfe, he has certainly conveyed her fomewhere
out of my reach if (he does not fend to me
to-day, I'll give her up for ever perhaps
though, fhe may have met with fome accident, and
has nobody to affift her. No, fhe is certainly with
that young rafcal. I wilh fhe was dead, and I was
4ead-^ .fll blow young Oaklfs brains out.
Enter Tom,
Sir H, Well, Tom, how is poor Snip ?
'Tom. A little better, Sir, after his warm mafh :
but Lady, the pointing bitch that followed you all
the way, is deadly foot-fore.
Ruf. Damn Snip and Lady I have you heard
any thing of Harriot ?
Tom. Why I came on purpofe to let my rriafler
and your honour know, that John Ofller fays as
how, juft fuch a lady, as I told him Madam Har-
riot was, came here in a four-wheel chaife, and was
fetch'd away foon after by a fine lady in a chariot.
Ruf. Did fhe come alone ?
'Tom. Quite alone, only a fervant-maid, pleafe
your honour.
Ruf.
$6 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Ruf. And what part of the town did they go to ?
Tom. John Oftler fays as how, they bid the
coachman drive to Grofvenor Square.
Sir H. Soho ! pufs -Yoics !
Ruf. She is certainly gone to that young rogue
t_ he has got his atint to fetch her from hence
or elfe fhe is with her own aunt Lady Free-
l ove . .-they both live in that part of the town.
I'll go to his. houfe, and in the mean while, Sir
Harry, you fhall ftep to Lady Freelove's. We'll
find her, I warrant you. Ill teach my young
miftrefs to be gadding. She fhall marry you to-
night. Come along, Sir Harry, come along ! we
won't lo;fe a minute. Come along !
Sir ti, Soho ! hark forward ! wjncl 'em and
crofs "em ! hark forward ! Yoics ! Yoics ! [Exeunt.
S d E N E changes to QaklyV-r -Mrs. Ozklyfola.
Mrs. Oak. After all, that letter \^as certainly
Intended for my hufband. I fee plain enough
they are all in a plot againft me. My hufband
intriguing, the Major working him up to affront
me, Charles owning his letters, and fo playing into
each other's hands. -They think me a fool, I
find but I'll be too much for them yet 1
have defired to fpeak with Mr. Oakly, and expect
him here immediately. His temper is naturally
op-en, and if he thinks my anger abated, and my
fufpicions laid afleep, he will certainly betray
himfelf by his behaviour. I'll aflume an air of
good-humour, pretend to believe the fine flory
they have trumped up, throw him off his guard,
and fo draw the fecret out of him. Here
he comes. How hard it is to diffemble one's
anger ! O, I cou'd rate him foundly ! but I'll
keep down my indignation at prefent, though it
choaks me.
Enter
The JEALOUS WIFE. 27
Enter OakJy.
O my dear ! I am very glad to fee you. Pray
fit down. [They fit.'] I longed to fee you. It
feemed an age till I had an opportunity of
talking over the filly affair that happened this
morning. [Mildly.
Oak. Why really, my dear
Mrs. Oak, Nay don't look fo grave now. Come
it's all over. Charles and you have cleared up
matters. I am fatisfied.
Oak. Indeed ! I rejoice to hear it ! You make
me happy beyond my expectation. This dilpo-
fition will infure our felicity. Do but lay alide
your cruel unjuft fufpicion, and we fhou'd never
have the leaft difference.
Mrs. Oak, Indeed I begin to think fo. I'll en-
deavour to get the better of it. And really fome-
times it is very ridiculous. My uneafinefs this
morning, for inftance ! ha ! ha ! ha ! To be fo
much alarmed about that idle letter, which turned
out quite another thing at lail was not I very
angry with you ? ha ! ha ! ha ! \_Affefting a laugh*
Oak. Don't mention it. Let us both forget it.
Your prefent chearfulnefs makes amends for every
thing.
Mrs. Oak. I am apt to be too violent : I love
you too well to be quite eafy about you. [Fondly.]
Well no matter what is become of Charles ?
Oak. Poor fellow ! he is on the wing, rambling
all over the town in purfuit of this young lady.
Mrs. Oak. Where is he gone, pray ?
Oak. Firft of all, 1 believe, to fome of her
relations.
Mrs. Oak. Relations ! Who are they ? Where
do they live ?
Oak. There is an aunt of her's lives jufl in the
neighbourhood j Lady Freelove.
Mrs.
2& The JEALOUS WIFE.
Airs, Oak, Lady Freehve I Oho ! gone to lady
Freflove's, is he ? and do you think he will hear
any thing of her ?
Oak. I don't know j but I hope fo with all my
foul.
Mrs. Oak. Hope ! with all your foul ; do you
hope fo ? [Alarmed.
Oak. Hope fo ! ye-~yes why don't you hope
fo ? [Surprijed,
Mrs. Oak. Well yes [Recovering.'] O ay, to
be fure. I hope it of all things. You know a
my dear, it muft give me great fatisfaction, as
well as yourfelf, to fee Charles well fettled.
Oak. I Ihould think fo ; and really I don't know
where he can be fettled fo well. She is a moft de-
ferving young woman, I arTure you.
Mrs. Oak. You are well acquainted with her then ?
Oak. To be fure, rny dear ! after feeing her fq
often laft fummer at the Major's houfe in the
-xoyntry, . and at her father's,
tylrs'. Oak. So often !
Oak. -O ay, very often Claries took care of
that almoft every day.
Mrs. Oak. Indeed! But pray a a a I fay,
__a a \Confufed,
Oak. What do you fay ? my dear !
Mrs. Oak. I fay a a [Stammering^ Is fhe
handfome ?
Oak. Prodigionfly handfome indeed.
Mrs. Oak. Prodigioufly handfome ! and is fhe
reckoned a fenfible girl ?
Oak. A very fenfible, modeft, agreeable young
kdv r as ever I knew. You would be extremely
fond of her, I am fure. You can't imagine how
happy I was in her company. Poor Cbarle;.,' fhe
foon made a conqueft of him, and no wonder,
Ihe has fo many elegant accomplifhments ! luch
an
The JEALOUS WIFE. 9
an infinite fund of chearfulnefs and good-humour !
Why, fhe's the darling of the whole country*
Mrs, Oak. Lord ! you feem quite in raptures
about her.
Oak. Raptures ! not at all. I was only telling
you the young lady's character. I thought you
wou'd be glad to find that Charles had made fo fen-
iible a choice, and was fo likely to be happy.
Mrs. Oak. O, Charles ! True, as you fay,
Charles will be mighty happy.
Oak. Don't you think fo ?
Mrs* Oak. I am convinced of it. Poor Charles!
I am much concern'd for him. He muft be very
uneafy about her. I was thinking whether we cou'd
be of any fervice to him in this affair.
Oak. Was you, my love ? that is very good of
you. Why, to be fure, we mud endeavour to
aflift him. Let me fee ? How can we manage it ?
Gad ! I have hit it. The luckieft thought 1 and
it will be of great fervice to Charles.
Mrs. Oak. Well, what is it ? [Eagerly."] You
know I would do any thing to ferve Charles, and
oblige you. [Mildly.
Oak. That is fo kind ! Lord, my dear, if you
wou'd but always confider things in this proper
light, and continue this amiable temper, we fhou'd
be the happieft people
Mrs. Oak. I believe fo : but v/hat's your propofal ?
Oak. I am fure you'll like it. Charles^ you know,
may perhaps be fo lucky as to meet with this lady.
Mrs. Oak. True.
Oak. Now I was thinking, that he might, with
your leave, my dear
Mrs. Oak. Well !
Oak. Bring her home here
Mrs. Oak. How !
Oak. Yes, bring her home Jiere, my dear !
it will make poor Charles his mind quite eafy : and
you
30 The JEALOUS WIFE.
you may take her under your protection, till her
father comes to town.
Mrs. Oak. Amazing ! this is even beyond my
expectation.
Oak. Why ! what !
Mrs. Oak'. Was there ever fuch aflurance ?
Take her under my protection ! What ! wou'd
you keep her under my nofe ?
Oak. Nay, I never conceiv'd I thought you
wou'd have approv'd-
Mrs. Oak. What ! make me your convenient
woman ! ^ No place but my own houfe to
ferve your piirpofes ?
Oak. Lord, this is the ftrangeft mifapprehen-
fion ! I am quite aftonifhed.
Mrs. Oak. Aftonilhed ? yes confufed, de-
teCted, betrayed by your, vain confidence of im-
pofing on me. Why, fure you imagine me an
ideot, a driveller. Charles, indeed ! yes, Charles
is a fine excufe for you. The letter this morn-
ing, the letter, Mr. Oakly !
Oak. The letter ! why fure that
Mrs. Oak. Is fufficiently explained. You have
made it very clear to me. Now I am convinced.
I have no doubt of your perfidy. But I thank
you for fome hints you have given me, and you
may be fure I fhall make ufe of them : nor will
I reft, till I have full conviction, and overwhelm
you with the ftrongeft proof of your bafenefs
towards me.
Oak. Nay but
Mrs. Oak. Go, go ! I have no doubt of your
falfhood : away ! [Exit Mrs. Oak.
Oakly, folus.
Was there ever any thing like this ? Such an-
accountable behaviour 1 angry I don't know why !
jealous of I know not what ! pretending to be
fatisfied
the JEALOUS WIFE. ji
fatisfied merely to draw me in, and then creating
imaginary proofs out of an innocent converfa-
hon ! Hints ! hints I have given her !
What can fhe mean ? -
Toilet crojfing the Stage.
Toilet ! where are you going ?
'Toilet. To order the porter to let in no com-
pany to my lady to-day. She won't fee a fmgle
foul, Sir! [Exit.
Oak. What an unhappy woman ! Now will fhe
fit all day feeding on her fufpicions, till Ihe has
convinced h'erfelf of the truth of them.
John croffing tbe Stage.
Well, Sir, what*s your bufmefs ?
John. Going to order the chariot, Sir ! my
lady's going out immediately. [#//;
Oak. Going out ! what is all this ?- But every
way fhe makes me miferable. Wild and ungo-
vernable as the fea or the wind ! made up of
ftorms and tempefts ! I can't bear it ; and one
way or other I will put an end to it. [Exit.
SCENE Lady Freelove's
Enter Lady Freelove with a card Servant following.
L. Free, [Reading as fhe enters.]" And will
" take the liberty of waiting on her ladyfhip en
" Cavalier > as he comes from the Menege." Does
any body wait that brought this card ?
Serv. Lord Trinket's fervant is in the hall,
madam.
L. Free. My compliments^ and I fhall be glad
to fee his lordihip. Where is Mifs Rujfet ?
tierv. In her own chamber, madam.
L. Free.
5 4 The JEALOUS WIFE*
L. Free. What is fhe doing ?
Serv. Writing, I believe, madam*
L. Free. Oh ! ridiculous ! fcribbling to
Qakly, I fuppofe. [Jpart.] Let her know I fhouM
be glad of her company here. [Exit Servant*
Lady Freelove/0/0.
It is a -nighty troublefome thing to manage a
fimple girl, that knows nothing of the world*
Harriot, like all other girls, is fooliihly fond of
this young fellow of her own chufmg, her firft
love, that is to fay, the firft man that is parti-'
ctilarly civil, and the firft air of confequence
which a young lady gives herfelf. Poor filly foul 1
But Ofikly muft not have her pofitively. A
match with Lord Trinket will add to the dignity
of the family. I muft bring her into it. I will
throw her into his way as often as pofiible, and
leave him to make his party good as faft as he
can. But here me comes.
Enter Harriot.
Well ! Harriot, ftill in the pouts ! hay, pr'ythee, my
dear little run-away girl, be more chearful ! your
everlafting melancholy puts me into the vapours.
Har. Dear madam, excule me. . How can I be
chearful in my prefent fituation ? I know my fa-
ther's temper ib well, that I am fure this ftep of
mine muft almoft diftract him. I fometimes wifh
that I had remained in the country, let what wou'd
have been the confequence.
L. Free.. Why, it is a naughty child, that's cer-
tain ; but it need not be fo uneafy about papa, as
you know that I wrote by laft night's poft to ac-
quaint "him that his little loft fheep was fafe, and
that you are ready to obey his commands in every
particular, except marrying that oafj Sir Harry
Beagle,*
JEALOUS WIFE, 33
?. Lord ! Lord ! what a difference there is
between a country and town education ! Why, a
L,<wdon lafs would have jumped out of a window
into a gallant's arms, and without thinking of*
her father, unlefs it were to have drawn a few
bills on him, been an hundred miles off in nine
or ten hours, or perhaps out of the kingdom in
twenty-four*
Har. I fear I have already been too precipitate.
I tremble for the confequences.
L. Free. I fwear, child, you are a downright
prude* Your way of talking gives me the fpleen ;
Ib full of affection, and duty, and virtue, 'tis juft
like a funeral fermon. And yet, pretty foul ! it
can love. 'Well, I wonder at your tafte j a fneak-
ing fimple gentleman ! without a title ! and when
to my knowledge you might have a man of qua-
lity to-morrow.
Har. Perhaps foi Your ladyfhip muft exculd
me, but many a man of quality would make me
miserable.
L. Free, Indeed, my dear, thefe antediluvian
notions will never do now a-days ; arid at the
fame time too, thofe little wicked eyes of yours
fpeak a very different language. Indeed you
have fine eyes, child ! And they have made fine
work with Lord Trinket.
Har, Lord Trinket ! [Cant emptuottjly.
L. Free. Yes, Lord Trinket : you know it as
well as 1 do, and yet, you ill-natured thing, you
will not vouchfafe him a fingle fmile. But you
muft give the poor foul a little encouragement,
pr'ythee do.
-Har. Indeed I can't, madam, for of all man-
kind Lord Trinket is my averfion.
L. Free. Why fo ? child ! He is counted a well
bred, fenfible, young fellow, and the women all
think him handfome.
C
34 The JEALOUS WIFE,
liar. Yes, he is juft polite enough to be able to
be very unmannerly with a great deal of good
breeding ; is juft handfome enough to make him
moft exceflively vain of his perfon ; and has juft
reflexion enough to finifh him for a coxcomb - f
qualifications, which are a^l very common among,
thofe whom your ladylhip calls men of quality.
L. Free. A fatirift too ! Indeed, my dear, this
affectation fits very aukwardly upon you. There
will be a Juperiority in the behaviour of perfons
of fafhion.
Hars A fuperiority, indeed ! For his lordfhip
always behaves with fo much iniblent familiarity,
that I fhould almoft imagine he was iblliciting^
me for other favours, rather than to pals my
whole life with him.
L. Free. Innocent freedoms, child, which every
fine woman expects to be taken with her, as an
acknowledgment of her beauty.
Har. They are freedoms, which, I think, no in-
nocent woman can allow.
L. Free. Romantick to the laft degree !
V/hy you are in the country, ftill, Harriot 1 ,
Enter Servant.
Serv. My Lord I'rinkef, madam I [Exit Servant-
L. Free. I fwear now I have a good mind to tell
him all you have faid.
Enter Lord Trinket, in boots, &c. as from the-
Riding -houfe.
Tour lordfhip's moft obedient humble fervant.
L. 'Trinket. Your ladyfhip does me too much-
honour. Here I am *n bottine as you fee, juft
come from the menege. Mifs Rnfot y I am your
flave. 1 declare it makes me quite happy to find
vou
The JEALOUS WIFE. 3$
you together. Ton honour, ma'am [to Harriot]
I begin to conceive great hopes of you : and as
for you, Lady Freelove, I cannot fufficiently com-
mend your afliduity with your fair pupil. She
was before poffeft of every grace that nature cou'd
bellow on her, and nobody is fo well qualified as
your ladyfliip to give her the Bon Ton.
Har. Compliment and contempt all in a breath !
My lord, I am obliged to you. But waving my
acknowledgments^ give me leave to afk your
lordihip, whether nature and the Bon Ton (as
you call it) are fo different > that we muft give
tip one in order to obtain the other ?
L Trink. Totally oppofite, madam. The chief
aim of the Bon Ton is to render perfons of family
different from the vulgar, for whom indeed nature
ferves very well. For this reafon it has, at various
times, been ungenteel to fee, to hear, to walk,
to be in good health, and to have -twenty other
horrible perfections of nature. Nature indeed
may do very well fometimes. It made you, for
inftance, and it then made fomething very lovely,
and if you would fuffer us of quality to give you
the Ton, you would be abfolutely divine : but now
me madam me nature never made
fiich a thing as me.
Har. Why, indeed, I think your lordfhip has
very few obligations to her.
L. Trink. Then you really think it's all my
own ? I declare now that is a mighty genteel com-
pliment. Nay, if you begin to flatter already,
you improve a pace. Ton honour, Lady Freelove,
I believe we fhall make fomething of her at lad.
L. Free. No doubt on't. It is in your lord-
ihip's power to make her a complete woman of
falhion at once.
L. Trink. Hum ! Why ay -
G 2 Har.
36 The JEALOUS WIFE,
Har. Your lordfhip muft excufe me. I am of
a very taftelefs difpofition. I fhall never bear to
be carried out of nature.
L. Free. You are out of nature now, Harriet f
I am fure no woman but yourfelf ever objefted to
being carried among perfons of quality. Wou'd
you believe it ? my lord ! here has ihe been a
whole week in town, and would never fuffer me
to introduce her to a rout, an affembly, a con-
<fert, or even to court, or to the opera j nay,
wou'd hardly fo much as mix with a living foul
that has vifited me.
L. Trink. No wonder, madam, you do not
adopt the manners of perfons of fafhion, when
you will not even honour them with your com-
pany. Were you to make one in our little coteries?
we fhou'd foon make you fick of the boors and
bumpkins of the horrid country. By the bye, I
met a monfter at the riding-houfe this morning,
who gave me fome intelligence, that will furpni*
you, concerning your family.
Har. What intelligence ?
L. Free. Who was this monfter, as your lord-
fliip 'calls him ? A curiofity, I dare fay.
L. frink. This monfter, madam, was formerly
mv 'head groom, and had the .care of all my
running horfes, but growing moft abominably
furly and extravagant, as you know all thefe i
lows do, I turned him off; and ever lince my
brother Slouch Trinket has had the care of my ftud>
rides all my principal matches himfelf, and
Har. Dear my lord, don't talk of your groom
and your brother, but tell me the news. Do you
know any thing of my father ?
L. frivk* Your father, madam, is now in town.
This fellow, you muft know, is now groom to
Sir Harry Beagle, your fweet rural fwain, and in--
formed me, that his mafter, and your father,
were
The JEALOUS WIFE. 37
were running all over the town in queft of you ;
and that he himfelf had orders to enquire after
you; for which reafon, 1 fuppofe, he came to
the riding-houfe {tables, to look after a horfe,
thinking it, to be fiire, a very likely place to meet
you. Your father perhaps is gone to feek you at
the Tower, or Weftminfter- Abbey ^ which is all the idea
he has of London ; and your faithful lover is pro-
bably cheapening a hunter, and drinking ftrong
beer at the Horfe and Jockey in Smith field.
L. Free. The whole fet admirably difpofcd of!
Har. Did not your lordfhip inform him where
I was ?
. Trink. Not I, 'pon honour, madam : that
I left to their own ingenuity to difcover.
L. Free. And pray, my lord, where in this
town have this polite company beftowed them-
felves ?
L. Trink. They lodge, mada-n, of all places m
the world, at the Bull and Gate Inn in Holborn.
L. Free. Ha ! ha! ha ! The Bull and Gate ! In-
comparable ! What, have they brought any hay
or cattle to tov/n ?
L. Trink. Very well, Lady Freelove, very well,
indeed ! There they are, like fo many graziers ;
and there, it feems, they have learn'd that this lady
is certainly in London.
Har. Do, dear madam, fend a card direfbly to
my father, informing him where I am, and that
your ladyfhip wou'd be glad to fee him here.
For my part, I dare not venture into his prefence,
till you have in fome meafure pacified him ; bun
for heaven's fake defire him not to bring that
wretched fellow along with him.
Z, 'Trink. Wretched fellow ! Oho ! Courage,
Mtlor Trinket ! [dfide.
L, Free, I'll fend immediately. Who's there ?
C 3 Enter
tf The JEALOUS WIFE,
Enter Servant.
Serv. [Apart to L. Freelove.] Sir Harry Beagle
is below, madam.
L. Free. [Apart to Serv.] I am not at home.
Have they let him in ?
Serv. Yes, madam.
L. Free. HOW abominably unlucky this is !
Well, then fhew him into my drefling-room. I
will come to him there. [Exit Servant.
L. Trink. Lady Freelove ! No engagement, I
hope. We won't part with you, 'pon honour.
L. Free. The worft engagement in the world*
A pair of mufly old prudes J Lady Formal and
Mils Prate.
L. frink. O the beldams ! As naufeous as Ipe-
cacuanha, 'pon honour.
. L. Free. Lud ! lud ! what fhall I do with them ?
Why do theie foolifh women come troubling me
now ? I muft wait on them in the drefTmg-room,
and you mu ft excufe the card, Harriot, till they
are gone. I'll diipatch them as foon as I can, but
heaven knows when I fliall get rid of them, for
they are both everlafting goffips ; though the
words came from her ladyfhip one by one, like
drops from a Hill, while the other tirefome wo-
man overwhelms us with a flood of imper-
tinence. Harriot, you'll entertain his lordfhip
till I return. {Exit,
L. <Trink. Gone ! 'Egad, my affairs here be-
gin to grow very critical, the father in town !
lover in town ! Surrounded by enemies !
What fhall I do ? {to Harriot.} I have nothing
for it but a Coup de Mam. 'Pon honour I am not
forry for the coming in of thefe old tabbies, and
am much obliged to her ladyfhip for leaving us
fuch an agreeable
The JEALOUS WIFE. 39
Har. Yoiir lordfliip will find me extremely bad
company.
L. Frink. Not in the leaft, my dear ! We'll
entertain ourfelves one way or other, I'll war-
rant you. 'Egad, ^ I think it a mighty good
opportunity to eftablifh a better acquaintance
with you.
Har. I don't underftand you.
L. Trink. No ? Why then I'll fpeak
plainer. ~\Paufing and looking her full in the
faceJ\ You are an amazing fine creature, 'pon
honour.
Har. If this be your lordihip's polite con-
verfation, I ihall leave you to amufe yourfelf in
foliloqu.y. Ifoing.
L. Trink. No, no, no, madam, that muft nor
be. [Stopping her '.] This place, my paffion, the
opportunity ail confpire
Har. How, Sir ! you don't intend to do me
any violence.
L. "Trink. Ton honour, ma'am, it will be do-
ing great violence to mylelf, if I do not. You
muft excufe me. [Struggling with her.
Har. Help ! help ! murder ! help !
L. Trink. Your yelping will fignify nothing;
nobody will come. [/r*^//F,
Har. For heaven's fake! Sir! My lord!
- [Noife within,']
L. 'frink. Pox on't, what noife ? Then I
muft be quick. [Still Jlrugglmg.
Har, Help ! murder ! help ! help !
Enter Charles, haftily.
Char. What do I hear ? My Harriot's voice call-
ing for help? Ha! [Seeing them.] Is it poflible ?
Turn, ruffian ! I'll find you employment.
[Drawing.
C 4 L. T'rink.
4 e> The JEALOUS WIFE.
L. Trink. You are a moft impertinent fcoun-,
drel, and I'll whip you through the lungs, 'por*
honour,
[fbey fight > Harriot runs cut Jcv earning
help ! &c. Then
Enter Lady Freelove, Sir Harry Beagle, and
Servants.
L. Free. How's this r Swords drawn in my
houfe! Part them \Tbey are parted.'] This
is the moft impudent thing.
L, 'frink. Well, rafcal, I lhall find a time, I
know you, Sir !
Char. The fooner the better, I know your
lordlhip too,
Sir H. I'faithj madam, \to L. Free.] We had
like to have been in at the death.
L. Free. What is all this ? Pray, Sir, what is
the meaning of your coming hither to raife this
difturbance ? Do you take my houfe for a bro-
thel ? [To Charles,
Char. Not I, indeed, madam ! but I believe
his lordfhip does.
L. 'Trink. Impudent fcoundrel !
L. Free. Your converfation, Sir, is as infolent
s your behaviour, Who are you ? What brought
you here ?
Char. I am one, madam, always ready to draw
my fword in defence of innocence in diftrefs, and
more efpecially in the caufe of that lady I deli-
vered from his lordfhip's fury ; in fearch of
whom I troubled your ladyfhip's hqufe.
L- Free. Her lover, I fuppofe, or what ?
Char. At your ladyfhip's fervice ; tho' not quite
fo violent in my paflion as his lordlhip there.
L. Trink. Impertinent rafcal I
L. Free. You lhall be made to repent of this
infolence,
Z.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 41
. Vrink. Your ladyihip may leave that to me.
Char. Ha ! ha !
Sir H. But pray what is become of the lady
all this while ? Why, Lady Freelove, you told
me Ihe was not here, and, i'faith I was juft
drawing off another way, if I had not heard
the view-hollow.
L. Free. You fhall fee her immediately, Sir!
Who's there ?
Enter Servant,
Where is Mifs Ru/et ?
Serv. Gone out, madam,
L. Free. Gone out ! where ?
Serv. I don't know, madam : but Ihe ran
down the back flairs crying for help, crofled
the fervants hall in tears, and took a chair at
the door.
. Free.' Blockheads ! To let her go out in a
chair alone! Go, and enquire after her im-
mediately. \Exit Servant.
Sir H. Gone ! What a pox had 1 juft run her
down, and is the little pufs flole away at laft ?
L. Free. Sir, if you will walk in [to Sir Han]
with his lordftiip and me, perhaps you may hear
fome tidings of her j though it is moft probable
(he may be gone to her father. I don't know
any other friend flie has in town.
Char. 1 am heartily glad (he is gone. She is
fafer any where than in this houfe.
L. free. Mighty well! Sir. My lord! Sir
! 1 attend you.
Trink. You fliall hear from me, Sir !
[To Charles.
Char. Very well, my lord !
ir H. Stole away ! r-Pox on't ftole away.
[Exeunt Sir H. and L. Trink.
Manent.
4 i The JEALOUS WIFE.
Manent Charles and L<*dy Freelove.
L. Free. Before I follow the company, give me
Jeave to tell you, Sir, that your behaviour here
has been fo extraordinary
Char. My treatment here, madam, has indeed
been very extraordinary.
L. Free. Indeed ! Well no matter permit
me to acquaint you, Sir, that there lies your way
out, and that the greateil favour you can do me,
is to leave the houfe immediately.
Char. That your ladyihip may depend on.
Since you have put Mifs Rstffet to flight, you may
be fure of not being troubled with my company.
I'll after her immediately I can't reft till I know
what is become of he--.
L. Free. If Ihe has any regard for her re-
putation, lhe'11 never put herielf into fuch hands
as your's.
Char. O, madam, there can be no doubt of her
regard to that, by her leaving your ladyihip.
L. Free. Leave my houfe.
Char. Directly. A charming houfe ! and a
charming lady of the houfe too ! Ha ! ha ! ha !
L. Free. Vulgar fellow.
Char. Fine lady ! \TLxeuvt feverally,
ACT
The JEALOUS WIFE. 43
ACT III.
SCENE Lady Freelove'j.
Enter Lady Freelove, and Lord Trinket.
Lord Trinket.
T~\0ucement, Doucement, my dear Lady Freeh I
*-* Excufe me ! I meant no harm, 'pon
honour.
L. Free. Indeed, indeed, my Lord Trinket, this
is abfolutely* intolerable. What, to offer rudenefs
to a young lady in my houie ! What will the
world lay of it ?
L. Trink. Juft what the world pleafes. It
does not fignify a doit what they fay. How-
ever I afk pardon ; but, 'egad, I thought it was
fhe beft way.
L. Free. For fliame, for fhame, my lord! I
am quite hurt at your want of difcretion. Leave
the whole conduct of this affair to me, or I'll
have done with it at once. How ftrangely you
have adl'ed ! There I went out of the way on pur-
pofe to ferve you, by keeping off that looby Sir
Harry Beagle, and preventing him or her father
from feeing the girl, till we had fome chance of
managing her ourfelves. And then you chofe to
make a difturbance, and fpoilt all.
L. Trink. Devil take Sir Harry, and t'other
fcoundrel too ! That they Ihould come driving
hither juft at fo critical an inflant ! And thac
the
44 The JEALOUS WIFE.
the wild little thing fhou'd take wing, and fly-
away the lord knows whither !
L. Free. Ay ! And there again you was
indifcreet paft redemption. To let her know,
that her father was in town, and where he was
to be found too ! For there I am confident fhe
muft be gone, as fhe is not acquainted with one
creature in London.
L. Trink. Why a father is in thefe cafes the
pis-after I muft confefs. Ton honour, Lady
Freelow, I can fcarce believe this obflinate girl a
relation of yours. Such narrow notions ! I'll
fwear, there is lefs trouble in getting ten women,
of the premiere voice, than in conquering the fcru-
ples of a filly girl in that flile of life. -
L. Free. Come, come, my lord, a truce with
your reflections on my niece ! Let us confider
what is beft to be done.
L. Trink. E'en juft what your ladyfhip thinks
proper. For my part, I am entirely derangee.
L. Free. Will you fubmit to be governed by
me then ?
L. Trink. I'll be all obedience your la-
dyfhip's flave, 'pon honour.
L. Free. Why then, as this is rather an ugly
affair in regard to me, as well as your lordfhip,
and may make fome noife, I think it abfolutely
neceflary, merely to fave appearances, that you
fhou'd wait on her father, palliate matters as well
as you can, and make a formal repetition of your
propofal of marriage.
L. Trink. Your ladyfhip is perfectly in the
right. You are quke au fait of the affair.
It fhall be done immediately, and then your
reputation will be fafe, and my conducl jufti-
fied to all the world. But fhou'd the old
ruftick continue as ftubborn as his daughter,
your ladyfhip, I hope, has no objections to my
4 being
The JEALOUS WIFE. 4$
being a little rujee, for I muft have her, 'pon
honour;
L. Free. Not in the leaft.
L. Trink. Or if a good opportunity fhould
offer, and the girl fhould be ftill untraftable.
L. Free. Do what you will, I wafti my hands
of it. She's out of my care now, you know.
But you muft beware your rivals. One, you
know, is in the houfe with her, and the other will
loie no opportunities of getting to her.
L. Trink. As to the fighting gentleman,^ I fliall
cut out work for him in his own way. I'll fend
him a petit billet to-morrow morning, and then,
there can be no great difficulty in outwitting her
bumkin father, and the baronet.
Enter Servant.
Serv. Captain '0 Cutter to wait on your ladyfhip.
L. Free. O the hideous fellow ! The Irijh failor-
man, for whom I prevailed on your lordihip to
get the poft of a regulating captain. I fuppofe
he is come to load me with his odious thanks. I
won't be troubled with him now.
L. frink. Let him in, by all means. He is
the beft creature to laugh at in nature. He is a
perfed fea-monfter, and always looks and talks
as if he was upon deck. Befides, a thought
ftrikes me. He may be of ufe.
L Free. Well fend the creature up then.
[Exit Servant.
But what fine thought is this ?
L. frink- A coup de maitre, 'pon honour !
tend -but hufh ! Here the porpus comes.
Enter Captain 'O Cutter.
L. Free. Captain, your humble fervant! I am
very glad to fee you. , Q
46 The JEALOUS WIFE.
'0 Cut. I am much oblaged to you, my lady !
Upon my confcience, the wind favours me at all
points. I had no fooner got under way to tank
your ladyfhip, but I have born down upon my
noble friend his lordfhip too. I hope your
lordihip's well.
L. Trink. Very well, I thank you, captain I-
But you feem to be hurt in the fervice : ' what is
the meaning of that patch over your right eye ?
'O Cut. Some advanced wages from my new
poft, my lord ! This prefling is hot work, tho*
it entitles us to fmart-money.
L. Free. And pray in what perilous adventure
did yon get that fear, captain ?
y O Cut. Quite out of my element, indeed my
lady ! I got in an engagement by land. A day
or two ago I fpied three ftout fellows, belonging to
a merchant-man. They made down Waging. I
immediately gave my lads the fignal to chace,
and we bore down right upon them. They tacked,
and lay to. We gave them a thundering broadfide,
which they refaved like men ; and one of them
made ufe of finall arms, which carried off the
weathermoft corner of Ned Gage's hat ; fo I im-
mediately Hood in with him, and raked him, but
refaved a wound on my (larboard eye, from the
flock of the piftol. However, we took them all,
and they now lie under the hatches, with fifty
more, a-board a tender off the Tower.
L. Triak. Well done, noble captain! But
however you will foon have better employment,
for I think the next ftep to your prdent poft, is
commonly a fhip.
^ 'O Cat. 1 he fooner the better, my lord ! Honeft
Terence 'O Cutter lhall never flinch, I warrant you ;
and has had as much ieen-farvice as any man
in the navy.
L. Trink.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 47
L. Trink. You may depend on my good offices,
captain ! Bui; in the mean time it is in your
power to do me a favour.
'O Cut. A favour ! my lord ! your lordfhip
does me honour. I . would go round the world,
from one end to the other, by day or by night,
to farve your lordfhip, or my good lady here.-
Z. Trink. Dear madam, the luckiefl thought
in nature ! [sipart to L. Free.] The favour I
have to afk of you, captain, need not cany you
fo far out of your way. The whole affair is,
that there are a couple of impudent fellows at an
inn in Holbortt, who have affronted me, and you
wou'd oblige me infinitely, by preffing them into
his Majeily's fervice.
L. Free. Now I underfland you. Admi-
rable ! \Apmt to L. Trink.
'0 Cut. With all my heart, my lord, and tank
you too, fait. But, by the bye, I hope they are
not houfekeepers, or freemen of the city. There's
the devil to pay in meddling with them. They
boder one fo about liberty and property, and fluff.
It was but t'other day that 'Jack Trowfer was car-
ried before my Lord Mayor, and loft above a
twelvemonth's pay, for nothing at-all at-all.
L. Trink. I'll take care you fhall be brought
into no trouble. Thefe fellows were formerly
my grooms. If you'll call on me in the morning,
I'll go with you to the place.
'O Cut. I'll be with your lordfhip, and bring
with me four or five as pretty boys as you'd
wifh to clap your too lucking eyes upon of a
fummer's day.
L. 'Trink. I am much obliged to you. But, cap-
tain, I have another little favour to beg of you.
'O Cut. Upon my fhoul, and I'll do it.
L. Trink. What, before you know it ?
"Q Cut. Fore and aft, my lord !
L. Trink
4 3 The JEALOUS WIFE.
L. Trink. A gentleman has offended me in a
point of honour
'O Cut. Cut his troat.
L. Trink. Will you carry him a letter from me ?
'O Cut. Indeed and I will: and I'll take you in
tow too, and you fhall engage him yard-arm and
yard-arm.
L. Trink. Why then, captain, you'll come a
little earlier to-morrow morning than you pro-
pofed, that you may attend him with my billet^
before you proceed on the other affair.
'O Cut. Never fear it, my lord ! Your far-
rant ! My ladyfhip, your humble farvant !
L. Free. Captain, yours ! Pray give my fervicc
to my friend Mrs. 'O Cutter. How does fhe do ?
'O Cut. I tank your ladyfhip's axing The
dear creature is purely tight and well.
L. Trink. How many children have you,
captain ?
'0 Cut. Four, and pleafe your lordfhip, and
another upon the flocks.
L. Trink. When it is launched, I hope to be at
the chriflning. I'll (land godfather, captain !
'O Cut. Your lordfhip's very good.
L. Trink. Well, you'll come to-morrow.
'O Cut. O, I'll not fail, my lord! Little Te~
rence '0 Cutter never fails, fait, when a troat is to
be cut. [Exit.
L. Free. Ha ! ha ! ha ! But fure you don't intend
to fhip off both her father and her country lover
for the Indies ?
L. Tri>;k. O no ! Only let them contemplate the
infide of a fhip for a day or two.
L. Free. Well, but after all, my lord, this is
a very bold undertaking. I don't think you'll be
able to put it in practice.
L. Trink. Nothing fo eafy, 'pon honour. To
prefs a gentleman a man of quality one
of
the JEALOUS WIFE. 49
bfus -wou'd not be fo eafy, I grant you. But
thefe fellows, you know, have not half fo decent
an appearance as one of my footmen: and from
their behaviour, converfation and drefs, it is very
poflible to miftake them for grooms and oftlers.
L. Free. There may be fomething in that in-
deed. But what ufe do you propofe to make of
this ftratagem ?
L. Trink. Every ufe in nature. This artifice
muft at leaft take them out of the way for fome
time, and in the mean while meafures may be
concerted to carry off the girl.
Enter Servant.
Serv. Mrs. Oakly, madam, is at the door, in her
chariot, and defires to have the honour of fpeak-
ing to your ladyfhip, on particular bufinefs^
L. Trink. Mrs. Oakly ! what can that jealous-
pated woman want with you ?
L. Free. No matter what. I hate her mortally.
Let her in. \_Exit Servant.
Z. Trink. What wind blows her hither ?
L. Free. A wind that muft blow us fome good.
L. 'Trink. How ? 1 was amazed you chofe
to fee her.
L. Free. How can you be fo flow of apprehen-
fion ? She comes you may be lure on fome oc-
cafion relating to this girl : in order to afiift young
Oakly perhaps, to footh me, and gain intelligence,
and fo forward the match; but I'll forbid the
banns, I warrant you. Whatever fhe wants,
I'll draw fome fweet mifchief out of it. But
away ! away ! 1 think I hear her flip down the
back flairs or, ilay, now I think on't, go out
this way, meet her and be fure to make her a
very refpectful bow, as you go out.
L. Trink. Hufli ! here fhe is,
D Enttr
50 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Enter Mrs. Oakly.
[L. Trinket lows y and exit.
Mrs. Oak. I beg pardon for giving your lady-
fhip this trouble.
L. Free. I am always glad of the honour of
feeing Mrs. Oakly.
Mrs. Oak. There is a letter, madam, juft corrre
from the country, which has occafioned fome a-
larm in our family. It comes from Mr. Ruffet~
L.'Free. Mr. Ruffttl
Mrs. Oak. Yes, from Mr, Rujfet, madam ! and
is chiefly concerning his daughter. As (he has the
honour of being related to your ladyfhip, I took
the liberty of waiting on you.
L. Free. She is indeed, as you fay, madam, a
relation of mine ! but after what has happened,
I fcarce know how to acknowledge her.
Mrs. Oak. Has Ihe been fo much to blame
then ?
L. Free. So much, madam ? Only judge
for yourfelf.- Though flie had been fo indif-.
creet, not to fay indecent in her conduct, as to
elope from her father, 1 was in hopes to Irave
hufli'd up that matter, for the honour of our
family. But fhe has run away from me too,
madam ! went off in the moll abrupt man-
ner, not an hour ago.
Mrs. Oak. You furprife me. Indeed her father,
by his letter, feems apprehenfive of the worft
confequences. But does your ladyfhip imagine
any harm has happened ?
L. Free. I can't tell 1 hope not But in-
deed flie is a flrange girl. You know, madam^
young women can't be too cautious in their con-
duel. She is, 1 am forry to declare it, a very
dangerous perlbn to take into a family.
Mrs. Oak. Indeed ! [Alarmed.
L. Free.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 51
L. Free. If I was to fay all I know !
Mrs. Oak. Why fure your ladyfhip knows of
nothing that has been carried on clandeftinely be-
tween her and Mr. Qakly. \Jn dijorder.
L. Free. Mr. Oakly !
Mrs. Oak. Mr. Oakly no, not Mr. Oakly
that is, not my hufband I don't mean him
not him but his nephew young Mr. Oakly.
L. Free. Jealous of her hufband ! So ! fo !
Now I know my game. \_Afide.
Mrs. Oak. But pray, madam, give me leave
to afk, was there any thing very particular in
her conduct, while fhe was in your ladyfhip's
houie ?
L. Free. Why really, confidering flie was here
fcarce a week, her behaviour was rather myfte-
rious j letters and mefTages, to and fro, be-
tween her and I don't know who 1 fuppofe
you know that Mr. Oaklfs nephew has been here,
madam !
Mrs. Oak. I was not fure of it. Has he been
to wait on ' your ladyfhip already on this oc-
cafion ?
L. Free. To wait on me ! The exprefiion
is much too polite for the nature of his vifit.
My Lord Trinket, the nobleman whom you
met as you came in, had, you muft know,
madam, fome thoughts of my niece, and as it
wou'd have been an advantageous match, I was
glad of itj but I believe, after what he has
been witnefs to this morning, he will drop all
thoughts of it.
Mrs. Oak. I am forry that any relation of
mine fhou'd fo far forget himfelf
L. Free. It's no matter his behaviour indeed,
as well as the young lady's, was pretty extraor-
dinary and yet after all, I don't believe he is
the object of her affections.
Mrs. Oak. Ha ! \Mucb alarmed.
D 2 L. Free,
52 The JEALOUS WlFfc.
L. Free. She has certainly an attachment fome-
\vhere, a ftrong one ; but his lordlhip, who was
prefent all the time, was convinced, as well as
myfeJf, that Mr. Oakl}'s nephew was rather a
convenient friend, a kind of go-between, than
the lover. Blefs me, madam, you change
colour ! you feem uneafy : what's the matter ?
Mrs. Oah Nothing* -madam, no-
thing a little Ihock'd that my hufband ftiou'd
behave fo.
L. Free. Your hufband ! madam.
Mrs. Oak. His nephew, I mean. His un-
pardonable rudenefs but I am not well
I am forry I have given your ladylhip fo much
trouble 1*11 take my leave.
L. Free* I declare, madam, you frighten me.
Your being fo vifibly affected, makes me quite
uneafy. I hope I have not faid any thing
I really doii*t believe your hufband is in fault.
Men, to be fure, allow themfelves ftrange liber-
ties. But I think, nay I am fure, it cannot be fo.
It is impoffible* Don't let what I Have laid have
any erTe<5b on you !
Mrs. Oak. No, it has not *I have no idea
of fuch a thing Your ladyfhip's moft obe-
dient [Going, returns.] But fure, madam,
you have not heard or don't know any thing.
L. Free. Come, come, Mrs, Oakly y I fee how
it is, and it wou'd not be kind to fay all I know.
I dare not tell you what I have heard. Only be
on your guard ! There can be no harm in that.
Do you be againft giving the girl any counte-
nance, and fee what ejftbdt it has.
Mrs, Oak. I will- 1 am much obliged
But does it appear to your ladyfhip then that
Mr. Oakfy-
L. Free. No, not at all* nothing in't, I dare
lay I would not create uneafmefs in a family
but I am a woman myfel have been married,
and
JEAjuOUS WIFE. 53
and can't help feeling for yon. But don't be
uneafy, there's nothing in't, I dare fay.
Mrs. Oak. I think; ib. -Your ladyfhip's.
humble fervant 1
L. Free* Your fervant, madam! * Pray don't
be alarmed, I muft infift on your not making
yourielf uneafy.
Mrs. Oak. Not at all alarmed-^not in the leaft
uneafy, Your moft obedient ! [Exit.,
L. Free. Ha ! ha! ha ! There ihe goes, brim-
full of anger and jealoufy,. to vent it all on her
hufband. Mercy on the poor man {
Enter Lord Trinket.
Blefs me- ! my lord, I thought you. was gone,
L. *frink. Only into the next room. My curi-
ofity wou'd not let me ftir a ftep further. I heard,
it all, and was never more diverted iix my life >
'pon honour* Ha. ! ha ! h^ !
L. Free. How the fijly creature took it! Ha!
ha ! ha !
L. Prink. Ha ! ha ! ha !' My dear Lady Free-
loi-c, you have a deal of ingenuity, a deal of
efprity 'pon honour,
L. Free. A little Ihell thrown into the enemy's
works, that's all.
Both. Ha ! ha \ ha ! ha. !
L. Free. But I muft leave you,. I have' twenty
vifits to pay. You'll let me know how you fuc-
ceed in your fecret expedition.
L. Trink^ That you may depend on.
L. Free* Remember then that to-rac^row
morning I expecl to fee you. r-At present your,
lordlhip will excufe me.-^ -Who's there ? [&//-
ing to tbejervants.~\ Send Epingle into my drerTing-
room. [Exit*
Lord Trinket/0/#j-.
L. Trink. So ! If 'O Cutter and his myr-
midons are alert, I think I can't fail of fuccefs,
D 3 ar4
54 The JEALOUv WIFE.
and then prenez garde, Mademoifelle Harriot /
This is one of the drolleft circumftances in na-
ture. -- "-Here is my lady j Freelove, a woman of
fenfe, a woman that knows the world too, af-
fifting me in this defign. I never knew her la-
dyfhip fo much out, -- How, in the name of
wonder, can fhe imagine that a man of quality,
or any man elie 'egad, wou'd marry a fine girl,
after -- not I, 'pon honour. No no when,
I have had the entamure, let who will take the
reft of the loaf. [#/'/.
SCENE changes to Mr. Oakly 'j Enter Harriot
following afervant.
Not at home ! --- Art; you fure that
Mrs. Oakly is not at home, Sir ?
Serv. She is juft gone out, madam.
Har. I have fomething of confequence if
you will give me leave, Sir, I will wait till fhe
returns.
Serv. You wou'd not fee her, if yo.u did, ma-
dam. She has given pofitive orders not to be in-
terrupted with any company to-day.
Har. Sure, Sir, if you was to let her know
that I had particular bufmefs --
Serv. I ihou'd not dare to trouble her, indeed,
madam.
Har. How unfortunate this is ! What can I do ?
Pray Sir, can I fee Mr. Oakly then ?
Serv. Yes, madam : I'll acquaint my m after,
if you pleafe.
Har. Pray do, Sir.
Serv. Will you favour me with your name,
madam ?
Har. Be pleafed, Sir, to let him know that a
lady defires to fpeak with him.
Serv. I fhall, madam. [#// Servant.
Harriot
The JEALOUS WIFE, 55
Harriot Jola.
I wifh I cou'd have feen Mrs. Oakly ! What an
unhappy fituation am I reduced to ! What will the
world fay of me ? And yet what cou'd I do ? To
remain at Lady Freeloves was impoflible. Charles y
I muft own, has this very day revived much of
my tendernefs for him; and yet I dread the
wildnefs of his difpofition. I muft now, how-
ever, follicit Mr. Oakly's protection, a circumftance
(all things confidered) rather difagreeable to a de-
licate mind, and which nothing, but the abfolute
neceffity of it, cou'd excuie. Good heavens !
What a multitude of difficulties and diflrefles
am I thrown into, by my father's obftinate per-
feverance to force me into a marriage, which my
foul abhors !
Enter Oakly.
Oak. \_At entering."} Where is this lady ?
[Seeing her.~\ Blefs me, Mifs Rujef, is it you !
Was ever any thing o unlucky ? \_Afide^\ Is it
poflible, madam, that I fee you here ?
Har. It is too true, Sir ! and the occafion on
which I am now to trouble you, is fo much, in
need of an. apology, that
Oak. Pray make none, madam ! If my wife
fhou'd return before I get her out of the houfe
again ! r \Afide.
Har. I dare fay, Sir, you are not quite a ftranger
to the attachment your nephew has profeft to me.
Oak. I am not, madam 1 I hope Charles has not
been guilty of any bafenefs toward you. If he
has, I'll, never fee his face again.
Har. I have no caufe to accufe him. But
Oak. But what ? madam ! Pray be quick !
The very perfon in the world I would not have
feen ! D 4
56 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Har. You feem uneafy, Sir !
Oak. No, nothing at all Pray, go on
madam.
Har, I am at prefent, Sir, through a concur-
rence of ftrange accidents, in a very unfortunate
fituation, and do not know what will become of
me without your affiftance,
Oak. I'll do every thing in my power to ferve
you. I know of your leaving your father, by a
letter we have had from him. Pray, let me know
the reft of your ftory.
Har. My ftory, Sir, is very fhort. When I left
my father's I came immediately to I.ondon y and
took refuge with a relation, where, inftead of
meeting with the protection I expected, I was.
alarmed with the moft infamous defigns upon my
honour. It is not an hour ago, fince your ne-
phew refcued me from the attempts of a villain.
I tremble to think, that I left him actually engagecl
in a duel.
Qak. He is very fafe. He has juft fent home
the chariot from the St. Alban's tavern, where he
dines to-day. But what are your commands for
me, madam ?
Har. I am heartily glad to hear of his fafety.
The favour, Sir, I would now requeft of you is,
that you will fuffer me to remain for a few 4 a ys
in your houle.
Oak. Madam !
Har. And that in the mean time you will ufe
your utmoft endeavours to reconcile me to my
father, without his forcing me into a marriage
with Sir Harry Beagle.
Oak. This is the moft perplexing fituation !
Why did not Charles take care to beftow you
properly ?
Har. It is moft probable, Sir, that I fhould not
have confented to fuch a meafure myfelf. The
world is but too apt to cenfure, even without a
caufe
The JEALOUS WIFE. 57.
eaufe: and if you are fo kind as to admit me
into your houfe, I muft defire not to confider Mr.
Oakly in any other light than as your nephew j as
in my prefent circumftances I have particular ob-
jeftions to it,
Oak. What an unlucky circumftance ! -^ Upon
my foul, madam, I wou'd do any thing to ierve
you but being in my houfe^ creates a difficulty
that r-
Har. I hope, Sir, you do not doubt the truth
of what I have told you.
Oak. I religiouily believe every tittle of it, ma-
dam, but I haye particular family confidera-
tions, that
Har. Sure, Sir, you cannot fufpeft me to be
bafe enough to form any connections in your fa-
mily, contrary to your inclinations, while I am
Jiving in your houfe.
Oak. Such connections, madam, would do me
and all my family great honour. I never dreamt
of any fcruples on that account. What can I do ?
Let me fee let me fee fuppofe [Paufing*
f^nter Mrs. Oakly behind, in a capuchin, tippet, &c.
Mrs. Oak. I am fure I heard the voice of a
woman converfmg with my hufband Ha !
[Seeing Harriot.] It is fo, indeed ! Let me contain
myfelf I'll liften.
Har. I fee. Sir, you are not inclin'd to fervc
me good heaven ! what am I referv'd to ?
Why, why die} I leave my father's houfe to ex-,
pofe myfelf to greater diftreffes ? [Ready to weep.
Oak. I would do any thing for your fake : in-
deed I wou'd. So pray be comforted, and I'll
think of fome proper place to bellow you in.
Mrs. Oak. So ! fo !
Har. What place can be fo proper as your own
houfe ?
Oak,
$ The JEALOUS WIFE.
Oak. My dear madam, I 1
Mrs. Oak. My dear madam, mighty well !
Oak. Hufh ! hark ! what noife no
nothing. But I'll be plain with you, madam,
we may be interrupted. The family confide-
ration I hinted at, is nothing elfe than my wife.
She is a little unhappy in her temper, madam !
and if you was to be admitted into the houfe, I
tfon't know what might be the conference.
Mrs. Oak. Very fine
Har. My behaviour, Sir !
Oak. My dear life, it wou'd be impoffible for
you to behave in fuch a manner, as not to give
her fufpicion,
Har. But if your nephew, Sir, took every thing
upon himfelf
Oak. Still that would not do, madam ! Why
this very morning, when the letter came from
your father, though I pofitively denied any know-
ledge of it, and Charles owned it, yet it was almofl
impoffible to pacify her.
Mrs. Oak. The letter ! How I have been
bubbled !
Har. What fhall I do ? What will become of me?
Oak. Why, look'ye, my dear madam, fince my
wife is fo flrong an objeftion, it is abfolutely
impoffible for me to take you into the houfe.
Nay if I had not known fhe was gone out, jufl
before you came, I fhould be uneafy at your being
here even now. So we muft manage as well as
we can. I'll take a private lodging for you a lit-
tle way off, unknown to Charles or my wife, or
any body ; and if Mrs. Oakly fhould difcover it at
laft, why the whole matter will light upon Charles*
you know.
Mrs. Oak. Upon Claries !
Har. How unhappy is my fituation ! [Weeping.]
I am ruined for ever.
i Oak,
The JEALOUS WIFE, 59
Oak. Kuin'd ! Not at all. Such a thing as this
has happened to many a young lady before you,
and all has been well again. Keep up your
Ipirits ! I'll contrive, if I poffibly can, tov;fi,tyou
every day,
Mrs. Oak. [Advancing.] Will you fo ? O Mr.
Oakly ! have I difcovered you at laft ? I'll vifit you
indeed. And you, my dear madam, I'll
Har. Madam, I don't underftand
Mrs. Oak. I underftand the whole affair, ancj
have underftood it for fome time paft. You
fhall have a private lodging, mifs ! -tit is tha
fitted place for you, I believe.- How dare you,
look me in the face ?
Oak. For heaven's fake, my love, don't be fo
violent. You are quite wrong in this affair -
you don't know who you are talking to. That
lady is a perfon of fafhion.
Mrs. OaL Fine fafhion, indeed ! t;o feducc
Other women's hufbands !
ffar. Dear madam ; how can you imagine
Oak. I tell you, my dear, this is the young lady
that Charles -
Mrs. Oak. Mighty well t but that won't do, Sir I
Did not I hear you lay the whole intrigue to-
gether ? Did not I hear your fine plot of throwing
all the blame upon Charles ?
Oak. Nay, be cool a moment. You muft
know, my dear, that the letter which came this
morning related to this lady
Mrs. Oak. I know it.
Oak. And fmce that, it feems, Gbarfa has been
fo fortunate as to
Mrs. Oak. O you deceitful man ! That trick
is too ftale to pafs again with me. It is plain
now what you meant by your propofmg to take
her into the houfe this morning. But the.gen-
tlewomajj could introduce herfelf, I fee.
o The JEALOUS WI-FE.
Oak. Fie ! fie ! my dear, fhe came on purpofe
to enquire for you.
Mrs. Oak. For me !- better and better !
Did not fhe watch her opportunity, and come to
you juft as I went out ? But I am obliged to you
for your vifit, madam. It is fufficiently paid.
Pray don't let me detain you.
Oak. For fliame ! for fhame, Mrs. Oakly !
How can you be fo abfurd ? Is this proper beha-
viour to a lady of her character !
Mrs. Oak. I have heard her character. Go,
my fine run-away madam ! Now you've eloped
from your family, and run away from your aunt !
Go ! r You fhan'tftay here, I promife you.
Oak. Pr'ytjiee, be quiet. You don't know what
you are doing. She fnall flay.
Mrs. Oak. She fhan't ftay a minute,
Oak. She fhall ftay a minute, an hour, a day,
a week, a month, a year ! 'Sdeath, madam*
fhe fliall ftay for ever if J chufe it.
Mrs, Oak. How !
Har. For heaven's fake, Sir, let me go. I
am frighted to death.
Oak. Don't be afraid, madam ! *-<-- She (hall
ftay, I infift upon it.
Ruf. [within.'] I tell you, Sir, I will go up^
I am fure that the lady is here, and nothing fhaU
hinder me.
Har. O my father ! my father ! [Faints away.
Oak. See ! fhe faints. [Catching hsr.~\ Ring
the bell! Who's there r
Mrs. Oak. What ! take her into your arms
too ! I have no patience.
Enter RufTet, and Servants,
-Ruf. Where is this ha ! fainting ! [Run-
ning to her.] O my dear Harriot ! my child ! my*
child !
Oak
the JEALOUS WIFE. 61
Oak. Your coming fo abruptly fhocked her
fpirits. But fhe revives. How do you, madam ?
Har. ]Jo Ruffet.] O, Sir !
Ruf. O my dear girl ! How cou'd you run
away from your father, that loves you with fuch
fondnefs ! But I was fure I fhou'd find you
Mrs. Oak. There there ! fure he fhou'd
find her here ! Did not I tell you fo ? Are not
you a wicked man, to carry on fuch bafe under-
hand doings, with a gentleman's daughter ?
Ruf. Let me tell you, Sir, whatever you may
think of 'the matter, I fhall not eafily put up
with this behaviour. How durft you encourage
my daughter to an elopement, and receive her in,
your houfe.
Mrs. Oak. There, mind that ! The thing
is as plain as the light.
Oak. I tell you, you mifunderftand
Ruf. Look you, Mr. Oakly, I fhall expeft fa-
tisfa&ion from your family for fo grofs an af-
front. Zouns, Sir, I am not to be ufed ill by
any man in England.
Har. My dear Sir, I can allure you
Ruf. Hold your tongue, girl ! You'll put me
in a paflion.
Oak. Sir, this is all a miilake.
Ruf. A miftake ! Did not I find her in your
houfe ?
Oak. Upon my foul, fhe has not been in the
houfe above
Mrs. Oak. Did not I hear you fay you wou'd
take her a lodging ? a private lodging !
Oak. Yes, but that
Ruf. Has not this affair been carried on a long
time in fpite of my teeth ?
Oak. Sir, I never troubled myfelf
. 4 Mrs. Oak.
62 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Mrs. Oak. Never troubled yourfelf ! Did not
you infift on her flaying in the houfe, whether I
wou'd or no ?
Oak. No.
Riff. Did not you fend to meet her, when fhe
came to town ?
Oak. No.
Mrs. Oak. Did not you deceive me about
the letter this morning ?
Oak. No -no no 1 tell you, no.
Mrs. Oak. Yes yes yes 1 tell you, yes.
Ruf. Shan't I believe my own eyes ?
Mrs. Oak. Shan't I believe my own ears ?
Oak. I tell you, you are both deceived.
Ruf. Zounsj Sir, I'll have fatisfaclion.
Mrs. Oak. I'll flop thele fine doings, I war-
rant you.
Oak. 'Sdeath, you will not let me fpeak and
you are both alike I think. -I wifh you were
married to one another with all my heart.
Mrs. Oak. Mighty well ! mighty well !
RuJ. I fhall foon find a time to talk with you.
Oak. Find a time to talk ! you have talked
enough now for all your lives.
Mrs. Oak. Very fine ! Come along, Sir ! Leave
that lady with her father. Now fhe is in the
propereft hands. \Exit.
Oak. I wifh ! could leave you in his hands.
[Going, returns.'] I fhall follow you, madam !
One word with you, Sir ! The height of
your pafiion, and Mrs. Oakfy's ft range mifappre-
Kenfion of this whole affair, makes it impoffible
to explain matters to you at prefent. I will do it
when you pleafe, and how you pleafe. [Exit.
Manent RufTet and Harriot.
Ruf. Yes, yes : I'll have fatisfaftion. So,
madam ! I have found you at lafl. You have
made a fine confufion here.
liar.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 63
Har. I have, indeed, been the innocent caufe
of a great deal of confufion.
Ruf. Innocent ! What bufmefs had you to
be running hither after *
Har. My dear Sir> you mifunderftand the
whole affair. I have not been in this houfe half
an hour.
Ruf. Zouns-, girl> don't put me in a pafiion !
You know I love you but a lye puts
me in a paflion. But come along we'll leave
this houfe directly [Charles .finging without.'}
Heyday ! what now ?
Jlfter a noife without, Enter Charles, drunk.
Char. But my wine neither nurjes nor babies can bring,
And a big-bellied bottle's a mighty good thing.
[Singing.
What's here ? a woman ? Harriot ! impofTible !
My deareft, fweeteft Harriot ! I have been look-*
ing all over the town for you, and at laft
when I was tired- and weary and difap-
pointed why then the honeft Major and I fat
down together to drink your health in pint bum-
pers. [Running up to her.
Ruf. Stand off! How dare you take any
liberties with my daughter before me ? Zouns,
Sir, Fll be the death of you.
Char. Ha ! 'Squire Ruffet too ! You jolly
old cock, how do you ? But Harriot ! my
dear girl ! [Taking hold of her.'} My life, my
foul, my
Ruf. Let her go, Sir, come away Harriot!
Leave " him this inftant, or I'll tear you
afunder. [Pulling her.
Har. There needs no violence to tear me from
a man who could difguife himfelf in fuch a grofs
manner, at a time when he knew I was in the
utmoft diftrefs. [Difengages berfelf, and
Exit with Ruflet.
Charles
-$4 The JEALOUS W I E
. Charles y0/#j*
Only hear me, Sir, ^madam! My deaf
Harriot Mr. Rujfet. gone ! Ihe's gene !
and 'egad in very ill humour, and in very
bad company ! I'll go after her but hold !
I lhall only make it worfe as I did now I
recolledl once before. How the devil came
they here ? Who wou'd have thought of find-
ing her in my own houfe ? My head turns
round with conjectures. I believe I am drunk
very drunk fo 'egad, I'll e'en go and fleep my-
felf fober, and then enquire the meaning of all
tliis, For, / love Sue, and Sue loves me, &c.
\Exit fmging.
ACT
The JEALOUS WIFE* 65
ACT IV.
SCENE Oakfy's.
Enter Mrs. Gakly, and Major Oakly*
Major.
WELL well but fitter!
Mrs. Oak. I will know the truth of this
matter. Why can't you tell me the whole ftory ?
Maj. I'll tell you nothing. -There's nothing to
tell >*you know the truth already. Befides,
what have I to do with it ? Suppofe there was a
difturbance yefterday, what's that to me ? was
I here ? it's no buiinefs of mine.
Mrs. Oak. Then why do you ftudy to make it
fo ? Am I not well allured that this mifchief com-
menced at your houfe in the country ? And now
you are carrying it on in towm
Maj. This is always the cafe in family-fquab*
bles. My brother has put you out of humour,
and you chufe to vent your Ipleen upon me.
Mrs. Oak. Becaufe 1 know that you are the oc-
cafion of his ill-ufage. Mr. Oakly never behaved
in fuch a manner before.
Maj. ' I ? Am I the occafion of it ?
Mrs. Oak. Yes, you. I am fure on't.
Maj. I am glad on't with all my heart*
Mrs. Oak. Indeed !
Maj. Ay, indeed : and you are the more obliged
to me. Come, come, fitter, it's time you fhou'd
reflect a little. My brother is become a public jeft ;
and by-and-bye, if this foolifh affair gets wind, the
whole family will be the fubjeft of town-talk.
Mrs. Oak. And well it may> when you take fo
much pains to expofe us. The little difquiets
and uneafmefs of other families are kept fecret;
but here quarrels are fomented, and afterwards in-
E duttrioufly
66 The JEALOUS WIFE.
duftrioufly made public and you, Sir, you
have done all this you are my greateft enemy.
Maj. Your trueft friend, lifter.
Mrs. Oak. But it's no wonder. You have no
feelings of humanity, no ienfe of domeftick
happinefs, no idea of tendernefs or attachment
to any woman.
Maj. No idea of plague or difquiet no, no
and yet I can love a woman for ail that <
heartily as you fay, tenderly But then I
always chufe a woman Ihou'd fhew a little love
for me too.
Mrs. Oak. Cruel infinuation ! But I defy your
malice Mr. Oakly can have no doubt of my
affection for him.
Maj. Nor I neither ! and yet your affection,
fuch as it is, has all the evil properties of aver-
fion. You absolutely kill him with kindnefs.
Why, what a life he leads ! He ferves for nothing
but a mere whetftone of your ill-humour.
Mrs. Oak. Pray now, Sir!
Maj. The violence of your temper makes his
houfe uncomfortable to him, poifons his meals,
and breaks his reft.
Mrs. Oak. I beg, Major Oakly, that
Maj. This it is to have a wife that doats upon
one ! the leaft trifle kindles your fufpicion ; you
take fire in an inftant, and fet the whole family in
a blaze.
Mrs. Oak. This is beyond all patience no, Sir,
'tis yon are the incendiary. You are the caufe of
I can't bear fuch \ready to weep~\ from this in-
ftant, Sir, I forbid you my houfe. However Mr.
Oakly may treat me himielf, I'll never be made the
iport of all his infolent relations.
[Exit.
Major Oaklyfolus.
Yes, yes, I knew I fhould be turn'd out of doors.
There Ihe goes back again to my brother di-
rectly
The JEALOUS WIFE. 67
reftly. Poor gentlemTan ! 'Slife, if he was but
half the man that I am, I'd engage to keep Jier
going to and fro all day, like a fhuttlecock.
Enter Charles.
What Charles !
Char. O Major ! Have you heard of what hap-
pened after I left you yefterday ?
Maj. Heard ! Yes, yes, I have heard it plain
enough. But poor Charles ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! What
a fcene of confufion ! I wou'd give the world to
have been there.
Char. And I wou'd give the world to have been
any where elfe. Curled fortune !
Maj. To come in fo opportunely at the tail ot
an adventure ! Was not your miftrefs mighty
glad to fee you ? You was very fond of her, I
dare fay.
Char. I am upon the rack. Who can tell what
rudenefs I might offer her ! I can remember no-
thing 1 deferve to lofe her to make myfelf
a beaft! and at fuch a time too ! O fool !
fool ! fool !
Maj. Prithee, be quiet, Charles ! Never vex
yourfelf about nothing j this will all be made up
the firft time you fee her.
Char. I fhould dread to fee her and yet the
not knowing where fhe is diftrafts me her fa-
ther may force her to marry Sir Harry Beagle
immediately.
Maj. Not he, I promife you. She'd run plum
into your arms firft, in fpite of her father's teeth.
Char. But then her father's violence, and' the
mildnefs of her difpofition
Maj. Mildnefs! Ridiculous! Truft to the
fpirit of the fex in her. I warrant you, like all
the reft, fhe'll have perverfenefs enough not to do
as her father would have her.
E 2 Char.
68 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Char. Well well But then my behaviour to
her To expofe myfelf in fuch a condition to
her again ! The very occafion of our former
quarrel !
Maj. Quarrel ! ha ! ha ! ha ! What fignifies a
quarrel with a miftrefs ? Why, the whole affair
of making love, as they call it, is nothing but
quarrelling and making it up again. They quarrel
o'purpofe to kifs and be friends.
Char. Then indeed things feemed to be taking
a fortunate turn To renew our difference at
fuch a time ! Juft when I had fome reafon to
hope for a reconciliation ! - May wine be my
poilbn if ever I am drunk again !
Maj. Ay, ay, ib every man fays the next
morning.
Char. Where ! where can (he be ? her father
wou'd hardly have carried her back to lady Free-
love's., and he has no houfe in town himfelf, nor
Sir Harry 1 don't know what to think I'll
go in fearch of her, though I don't know where
to direct myfelf.
Enter Servant.
Serv. A gentleman, Sir, that calls himfelf Cap.
tain 'O Cutter defires to fpeak with you.
Char. Don't trouble me I'll fee nobody-
I'm not at home
Serv. The gentleman fays he has very particu-
lar bufmefs, and he muft fee you.
Char. What's his name ? Who did you fay ?
Serv. Captain 'O Cutter, Sir !
Char. Captain 'O Cutter \ I never heard of him
before. Do you know any thing of him, Major ?
Maj. Not I But you hear he has particular
bufmefs. I'll leave the room.
Char. He can have no bufmefs that need be
a fecret to you. Defire the Captain to walk
up. [Exit Servant.] What would 1 give if
this
The JEALOUS WIFE. 69
this unknown Captain was to prove a mefienger
from my Harriot!
Enter Captain 'O Cutter.
>
'0 Cut. Jontlemen, your faryant ! Is either of
your names Charles Oakly, Efq,
Cbar. Charles Oakley, Sir, is my name,., if you
have any bufinefs with it.
'O Cut. Avaft,. avaft, my dear ! I have a little
bufinefs with your name, but as I was to let no-
body know it, I can't mention it, tiil you clear the
decks, fait. [Pointing to the Major."]
Char. This gentleman, Sir, is my moft intimate
friend, and any thing that concerns me may be
mentioned before him.
'0 Cut, O, if he's your friend, my dear, we
may do all above board. It's only about your
deciding a deferance with my Lord trinket. He
wants to fhew you a little warm work -, and as I
was fleering this way, he defired me to fetch you
this letter. [Giving a letter.
Maj. How, Sir, a challenge !
'0 Cut. Yes, fait, a challenge. I am to be his
Lordfhip's Second; and if you are fond of a hot
birth, and will come along with that jontleman,
we'll all go to it together, and make a little line
of battle a-head of our own, my dear !
Char. \_ReadingJ\ Ha ! What's this ? This may
be ufeful. \_Afide. '
Maj. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you A rare
fellow this ! [Afide.~\ Yes, yes, I'll meet all the
good company. I'll be there in my waiftcoat and
pumps, and take a morning's breathing witli you.
Are you very fond of fighting ? Sir.
'0 Cut. Indeed and I am, I love it better than
fait beef or bifcuit.
Maj. But pray Sir, how are you interefted in
this difference ? Do you know what it is about ?
3 '0 Cut.
70 The JEALOUS WIFE.
'0 Cut. O the devil burn me, not I. What fig-
nifies what it's about, you know ? fo we do but
tilt a little.
Maj. What ! fight and not know for what ?
'0 Cut. When the fignal's out for engaging,
what fignifks talking ?
Maj. I fancy, Sir, a duel is a common bteakfaft
with you. I'll warrant now, you have been eu-
gag'd in many fuch affairs.
y O Cut. Upon my fhoul, and I have ; fea or
land, its all one to little Terence 'O Cutter When
I was laft in Dublin, I fought one jontleman for
cheating me out of a toufand pounds : I fought
two of the Mermaid's crew about Sally Mac-guire ;
tree about politicks ; and one about the play-houfe
in Smock- Alky. But upon my fait ! fince I am in
England, I have done noting at all, at all.
Char. This is lucky but my tranfport will dif-
cover me. \_Afide.~\ Will you be fo kind, Sir, \_To
'O Cutter] as to make my compliments to his
Lordfhip, and aflure him that I fhall do myielf the
honour of waiting on him.
'O Cut. Indeed, and I will.' Arrah; my dear,
won't you come too ? [To Maj. Oakly.
Maj. Depend upon't. We'll go thro' the whole
exercife : carte, tierce, and fegoon, Captain !
Char. Now to get my intelligence. [AJlde."] I
think the time, Sir, his Lordihip appoints, in hi,s
letter, is a
3 O Cut. You fay right Six o'clock.
Char. And the place a a is 1 think, be-
hind Montague houfe.
'0 Cut. No, my dear !-, Avaft, by the ring
in Uyde-Park,, fait 1 fettled it there myfelf for
fare of interruption.
Char. True, as you fay, the ring in Hyde-Park
I had forgot Very well, I'll not fail you, Sir.
'0 Cut. Devil burn me, not I. Upon my fhoul
little Terence '0 Cutter will fee fair play, or he'll
know
The JEALOUS WIFE. 71
know the reafon And fo, my dear, your
farvant.
Maj. Ha ! ha ! ha ! What a fellow ! He loves
fighting, like a game cock.
Char. O uncle ! the luckieft thing in th?
world !
Maj. What, to have the chance of being run
through the body ! I defire no fuch good fortune.
Char. Wifh me joy, wiih me joy ? I have found
her, my dear girl, my Harriot I She is at an
Inn in Holborn, Major !
Maj. Ay ! how do you know ?
Char. Why this dear, delightful, charming, blun-
dering Captain, has delivered me a wrong letter.
Maj. A wrong letter !
Char. Yes, a letter from Lord trinket to Lady
Freelove.
Maj. The devil ! What are the contents ?
Char. The news I told you juft now, that flic's
at an Inn in Holborn : ~ And befides,, an excufe
from my Lord, for not waiting on her Ladyihip
this morning, according to his promife, as he fhall
be entirely taken up with his defign upon Harriot.
Maj. So ! fo ! A plot between the Lord and
the Lady !
Char. What his plot is I don't know, but I fhall
beg leave to be made a party in it : So perhaps
his Lordthip and I may meet, and dende our de-
ferance, as the Captain calls it, before to-morrow
morning. There! read, read, man !
[Giving the letter.
Maj. [Reading."} Um um um Very fine!
And what do you propofe doing ?
Char. To go thither immediately.
Maj. Then you fhall take me with you. Who
knows what his Lordfhip's degns may be ? I be-
gin to fufpecl fou! play.
Char. No no ; pray mind your own bufinefs.
If I find there is any need of your afliftance, I'll
fend for you. E 4 Maj.
72 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Maj. You'll manage this affair like a boy now
Go on rafhly with noife and buftie, and fury,
and get yourfelf into another i'crape.
Char. No no Let me aione ; I'll go incog. -
Leave my chariot at ibrr.e diftance Proceed pru-
dently, and take care of myfelfj 1 warrant you.
I did not imagine that I fliou'd ever rejoice at re-
ceiving a challenge, but this is the molt fortunate
accident that cou'<l poffibly have happened. B'ye,
b'ye, uncle ! [Exit baftify.
Major Oakly, Jolus.
I don't half approve this and yet I can hardly
fufpect his Lordihip of any very deep defigns nei-
ther. Cbarles.mzy eafily outwit him. Harkye,
William ! [As feeing ajervant at fame diftance.
Enter Servant.
Serv. Sir !
Maj. Where's my brother !
Serv. In his ftudy alone, Sir !
Maj. And how is he, William ?
Serv. Pretty well, I believe, Sir ?
Maj. Ay, ay, but is he in good humour, or
Serv. I never meddle in family affairs, not I,
Sir ! [Exit.
Major Oakly, Joins.
Well faid, William ! No bad hint for me,
perhaps ! What a ftrange world we Ijve in !
No two people in it love one another better than
my brother and filter, and yet the bittereft enemies
cou'd not torment each other more heartily
Ah, if he had but half my fpirit ! And yet he
don't want it neither But I know his temper
He pieces out the matter with maxims, and fcraps
of philofophy, and odds and ends of fentences
I mull live in peace Patience is the bed re-
iredy Any thing for a quiet life ! and fo on
However, ycfterday, to give him his due, he be-
haved
The JEALOUS WIFE. 73
haved like a man. Keep it up, brother ! keep
it up ! or it's all over with you. Since mifchief
is on foot, I'll e'en fet it forwards on all fides,
I'll in to him directly, read him one of my morn-
ing lectures, and perfuade him, if I poflibly can,
to go out with me immediately j or work him up
to fome open act of rebellion againft the fove-
reign authority of his lady-wife. Zouns, bro-
ther, rant, and roar, and rave, and turn the houfe
out of the window. If I was a hufband ! --
'Sdeath, what a pity it is, that nobody knows how
to manage a wife, but a batchelor. [Exit.
SCENE changes to the Bull and Gate Inn.
Harriot, Jola.
What will become of me ? My father is en-
raged, and deaf to all remonftrances, and here I
am to remain by his pofitive orders, to receive this
booby Baronet's odious addreflfes. - Among all
my diftrefles, I muft confefs that Charles his be-
haviour yeflerday is not the lead. So wDd ! So
given up to exceffes ! And yet -- 1 am afhamed
to own it even myfelf - 1 love him : And
death itfelf fliall not prevail on me to give my
hand to Sir Harry. -- But here he comes ! What
{hall I do with him ?
Enter Sir Harry Beagle.
Sir H. Your fervant, Mifs ! -- What ? Not
fpeak I Bafhful mayhap Why then I will.
Look'e, Mifs, I am a man of few words. What
fignifies hagling ? It looks juft like a Dealer. --
What d'ye think of me for a hufband ? -- 1 am
a tidbit young fellow found wind and limb
from all natural blemifhes Rum all over,
damme.
Har. Sir, I don't underftand you. Speak Eng-
Itfhy and I'll give you an anfwer.
Sir
74 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Sir H. Englijh ! Why fo I do and good plain
Englijh too. What d'ye think of me for a hu-
band ? That's Englijh e'nt it ? 1 know none
of your French lingo, none of your Parlyvoos, not
I. What d'ye think of me for a hufband ? The
'Squire fays you fhall marry me.
liar. What fhall I fay to him ? I had heft be
civil. \_Afide. ~\ 1 think, Sir, you deferve a
much better wife, and beg .
Sir H. Better ! No, no, though you're fo
knowing, I'm not to be taken in fo. You x re a
fine thing Your points are all good.
Har. Sir Harry ! Sincerity is above all ceremo-
ny. Excufe me, if I declare I never will be your
wife. And if you have a real regard for me,
and my happinefs, you will give up all preten-
fion to me, Shall I befeech you, Sir, to perfuade
my father not to urge a marriage, to which I am
determined never to confent ?
Sir//. Hey! how! what! be off! Why
it's a match, Mifs ! It's done and done on
both fides.
Har. For Heaven's fake, Sir, withdraw your
claim to me. 1 never can be prevailed on
indeed I can't
Sir H. What make a match, and then draw
flakes ! That's doing of nothing Play or pay
all the world over.
Har. Let me prevail on you, Sir ! 1 am
determined not to marry you at all events.
Sir //. But your father's determin'd you fhatt,
Mifs ! So the odds are on my fide. I
am not quite fure of my horfe, but I have the
rider hollow.
Har. Your horfe ! Sir d'ye take me for but
I forgive you. I befeech you come into my pro-
pofal. It will be better for us both in the end.
Sir //. I can't be off.
liar. Let me intreat you.
Sir 77,
The JEALOUS WIFE, 75
Sir H. I tell you , it's unpoflible,
Har. Pray., pray do, Sir.
Sir //. I can't, damme.
Har. I befeech you.
Sir Har. \lVhijlles,
Har. How ! laugh'd at ?
Sir 11. Will you marry me ? Dear Ally, Ally
Croker ! \_Singing.
Har. Marry you ? I had rather be married to a
(lave, a wretch You ! \Walks about.
Sir H. A fine going thing. She has a deal
of foot treads well upon her patterns
goes above her ground
Bar. Peace ! wretch ! Do you talk to me as
if I were youa horfe ?
Sir H. Horfe ! Why not fpeak of my horfe ?
If your fine ladies had half as many good quali-
ties, -they wou'd be much better bargains.
Har. And if their wretches of hufbands liked
them half fo well as they do their horfes, they
wou'd lead better lives.
Sir H. May-hap fo. But what fignifies talk-
ing to you ? The 'Squire lhall know your
tricks He'll doctor you. I'll go and
talk to him.
Har. Go any where, fo that you go from me.
Sir H. He'll break you in If you won't go
in a fnaffle, you muft be put in a curb He'll
break you, damme. [Exit.
Harriot Jola.
A wretch ! But I was to blame to fuffer his
brutal behaviour to ruffle my temper. 1 cou'd
expecl: nothing elfe from him, and he is below my
anger. How much trouble has this odious
fellow caufed both to me and my poor father !
I never difobeyed him before, and my denial now
makes him quite unhappy. In any thing elfe I
would be all fubmifllon ; and even now, while I
dread
76 The JEALOUS WIFE.
dread his rage, my heart bleeds for his
nefs I wifh I cou'd refolve to obey him :
Enter RufTet.
Ruf. Are not you a fad girl ? a perverfe,
born, obftinate
. Har. My dear Sir --
Ruf. Look ye, Harriot, don't fpeak, - you'll
put .me in a paffion -- Will you have him? --
Anfwer me that ; Why don't the girl fpeak ?
Will you have him ?
Har. Deareft Sir, there is nothing in the world
Ruf. Why there! there! - Look ye there !
-- Zouns, you fhall have him -- Huffy, you
ihall have him -- You fhall marry him to-night
Did not you promife to receive him civilly ?
How came you to affront him ?
Har. Sir, I did receive him very civilly ; but his
behaviour was fo infolent and infupportable
Ruf. Infolent ! Zouns, I'll blow his brains
out. Infolent to my dear Harriot /-r A rogue ! a
villain ! a fcoundrel ! I'll but it's a lie I know
it's a lie He durft not behave infolent Will
you have him ? Anfwer me that. Will you have
him? -- Zouns, you fhall have him.
Har. If you have any love for me, Sir
Ruf- Love for you r You know I love you
You know your poor fond father doats on you to
madnefs. - 1 wou'd not force you, if I did not
love you Don't I want you to be happy ? - But
I know what you would have. You want young
Oakly, a rakehelly, drunken -
Har. Releafe me from Sir Harry, and if I
ever marry againft your confent, renounce me
for ever.
Ruf. I will renounce you, unlefs you'll have
Sir Harry.
Har
The JEALOUS WIFE. 77
Confider my dear Sir, you'll make me mi-
ferable. I would die to pleafe you, but cannot pro-
ftitute my hand to a man my heart abhors* *.
Abfolve me from this hard command, and in eve-
ry thing elfe it will be happinefs to obey you.
Ruf. You'll .break my heart, Harriot, you'll
break my heart Make you miferable ! Don'c
I want to make you happy ? Is not he the richeft
man in the county ? That will make you happy.
Don't all the pale-faced girls in the country
long to get him ? And yet you are fo perverfe,
and wayward, and ftubborn Zouns, you fhall
have him,
Har. For Heaven's fake, Sir >-
Ruf. Hold your tongue, Harriot ! I'll hear
none of yonr nonfenfe. You fhall have him, I
tell you, you fhall have him He fhall marry
you this very night : I'll go for a licenlc
and a parfon immediately. Zouns ] Why do I
Hand arguing with you ? An't I your father ?
Have not I a right to difpofe of you ? You fhall
have him.
Har. Sir !
Ruf. I won't hear a word. You mail have him.
[Exit*
Harriot fola*
Sir ! Hear me ! but one word ! He will not
hear me, and is gone to prepare for this odious
marriage. I will die before I confent to it. You
Jhall have him ! O that fathers would enforce their
commands by better arguments ! And yet I pity
him. while he afflicts me. He upbraided me with
Charles his wildnefs and intemperance Alas ! but
too juftly I fee that he is wedded to his excefTes ;
and I ought to conquer an affection for him, which
will only ferve to make me unhappy.
Enter
*a the JEALOUS WIFE.
Enter Charles in a Frock, &c.
Ha ! What do I fee ? [Screaming.
Char. Peace! my love ! My dear life, make
no noife ! I have been hovering about the houfe
this hour 1 juft now faw your father and Sir
Harry go out, and have feized this precious op-
portunity to throw myfelf at your feet.
Bar. You have given yourfelf, Sir, a great deal
of needlefs trouble. I did not expect or hope for
the favour of fuch a vifit.
Char. O my dear Harriot, your words and looks
cut me to the foul. You can't imagine what I fuf-
fer, and have fuffer'd fince laft night And yet
I have in fome fond moments fiatter'd myfelf, that
the fervice I was fo fortunate as to do you at lady
Freelove's, wou'd plead a little in my favour.
Har. You may remember, Sir, that you took
a very early opportunity of cancelling that ob-
ligation.
Char. I do remember it with fharr.e and defpair.
But may I perifli, if my joy at having delivered
you from a villain was not the caufe ! My tranf-
port more than half intoxicated me, and wine
made an eafy conqueft over me. 1 tremble to
think left I fhou'd have behav'd in fuch manner,
as you cannot pardon.
Har. Whether I pardon you or no, Sir, is a
matter of mighty little confequence.
Char. O my Harriot ! Upbraid me, reproach
me, do any thing but look and talk with that air
of coldnefs and indifference. Muft I lofe you for
one offence ? when my foul doats on you, when
I love you to diffraction !
Har. Did it appear like love, your conduct
yefterday ? To lofe yourfelf in riot, when I was
expofedto the greateil diftreffes !
Cha. I feel, 1 feel my fhame, and own it.
Har. You confeis that you don't know in what
manner you behaved. Ought not I to tremble
at
The JEALOUS WIFE. ft
at the very thoughts of 3. man, devoted to a vice
which renders him no longer a judge or mailer of
his own conduct ?
Char. Abandon me, if ever I am guilty of it
again. O Harriot ! 1 am diffracted with ten thou-
fand fears and apprehenfions of lofing you for
ever The chambermaid, whom I brib'd to
admit me to you, told me that when the two
gentlemen Went out, they talk'd of a licenfe. -
What am I to think ? Is it poffible that you can
refign yourfelf to Sir Harry Beagle? [Harriot
paufes.~\ Can you then confent to give your
hand to another ? No, let me once more deliver
you Let us feize this lucky moment ! My
chariot (lands at the corner of the next flreet
Let me gently force you, while their abfence al-
lows it, and convey you from the brutal violence
of a conftrained marriage.
Har. No! 1 will wait the event, be it what
it may. O Charles, I am too much inclin'd
They (han't force me to marry Sir Harry But
your behaviour Not half an hour ago, my
father reproach'd me with the loofenefs of your
character. \Wee-ping.
Char. I fee my folly, and am afham'd of it.
You have reclaim'd me, Harriot! On my foul,
you have. If all women were as attentive as
yourfelf to the morals of their lovers, a liber-
tine wou'd be an uncommon character. But
let me perfuade you to leave this place, while you
may Major Oakly will receive us at his houfe
with pleafure 1 am fhock'd at the thoughts of
what your (lay here may relerve you to.
Har. No, ! am determin'd to remain. To
leave my father again, to go off openly with a
man, cf whofe libertine character he has himfelf
fo lately been a witnefs, wou'd juftify his anger,
and impeach my reputation.
Char.
SO The JEALOUS WIFE.
Char. Fool ! fool ! How unhappy have I made
mylelf ! Confider, my Harriot, the peculiarity
of your fituation ; befides I have reafon to fear
other defigns againft you.
liar. From other defigns I can be no where fo
fecure as with my father.
Char. Time flies Let me perfuade you 1
Har. I am refolved to ftay here.
Char. You diffract me. For heaven's fake.
liar. I will not think of it.
Char. Confider, my angel !
liar. I do confider, that your conduct has
made it abfolutely improper for me to truft my-
felf to your care.
Char. My conduct ! Vexation ! S 'death !
But then, my dear Harriot, the danger you are in,
the neceflity
Enter Chambermaid.
Chamb. O law, Ma'am! Such a terrible
accident! As fure as I am here, there's a
prefs-gang has feized the two gemmin, and is
carrying them away, thof fo be one an 'em fays
as how he's a knight and baronight, and that
t'other 's a '{quire and a houfekeeper.
Har. Seiz'd by a prefs-gang ! Impofllble.
Char. O, now the defign comes out. But
I'll balk his lordfhip.
Chamb. Lack-a-dafy, Ma'am, what can we do ?
There is Mailer, and John Oftler, and Boot-
catcher, all gone a'ter 'em. There is fuch an
uproar as never was. [#//*
Har. If I thought this was your contrivance,
Sir, I wou'd never fpeak to you again.
Char. I wou'd feoner die than be guilty of it.
This is lord Trinket's doing, I am fure. I knew
he had fome fcheme in agitation, by a letter I
intercepted this morning.
Har. \JScreams.
I Char
Si
Char. Ha ! Here he comes ! Nay then, it's
plain enough. Don't be frighted, my love! I'll
protect you. - But now I muft defire you to
follow my directions.
Enter Lord Trinket.
L. Trink, Now, madam !-~- Poxon't, He here
again ! Nay then ! [Drawing.'} Cone, Sir !
You're unarmed, I fee. Give up the lady : Give
her up, I lay, or I am through you in a twinkling.
[Going to make a pafs at Charles,
Char. Keep your diftance, my lord ! I have
arms. [Producing a $iftol.~\ If you come a foot
nearer, you have a brace of balls thro' your lord-
fhip's head.
L. Trink. How ? what's this ? Piftols !
Char. At your lordfhip's fervice. ~ Sword
and piftol, my lord ! Thofe, you know, are
our weapons. =-If this mifles, I have the fellow
to't in my pocket. Don't be frighted, madam !
His lordfhip has removed your friends and relations,
but he will take great care of you. Shall I leave,
yon with him ?
Har. Cruel Charles! You know I muft go" with
you now.
Char. A little away from the door,, if your
lordihip pleafes. \_Wa<vingbis hand.
L. Trink. Sir! -S 'death ! .Madam!
Char. A little more round, my lord. ! Waving.
L. Trink. But Sir ! Mr. Oa'kfy !
Char. I have no leifure to talk with your lord-
ihip now.-^ A little more that way, if you
pleafe. [Waving.] You know where I live
If you have any commands for Mifs Ruffe f, you
will hear of her too at my houfe. Nay, keep
back, my lord ! [Prefenting.'\ Your lordfhip's
moft obedient humble fervant. [Exit with Harriot.
The JEALOUS WIFE.
Manet Lord Trinket.
[Looking after them* aud pauftng for a fhort time.'}
1 cut a mighty ridiculous figure here 'pon
honour.- So I have been concerting this deep
fcheme, merely to ferve him. Oh, the devil
take fuch intrigues, and all filly country girls,
that can give up a man of quality and figure,
for a fellow that nobody knows ! [Exit.
ACT
The JEALOUS WIFE. 83
A C T V.
SCENE Lady Freelove's.
Enter Lord .Trinket, Lady Freelove with a letter ,
^and Captain 'O Cutter.
Lord Trinket.
WA S ever any thing fo unfortunate ? Pox
on't captain, how cou'd you make fuch
a ftrange blunder ?
'0 Cut. 1 never tought of a blunder. I was to
daliver two letters, and if I gave them one a
piece I tought it was all one, fait.
L. Free. And fo, my lord, the ingenious cap-
tain gave the letter intended for me to young
Oakly, and here he has brought me a challenge.
L. ^rink. Ridiculous ! Never was any thing
fo mat-apropos did not you read the direction ?
captain !
'0 Cut. Who me ! Devil burn me, not I.
I never rade at all.
L. frink. 'Sdeath \ How provoking ! When I
had fecur'd the fervants, and got all the people
out of the way When every thing was en train.
L. Free. Nay, never defpair, my lord ! Things
have happened unluckily, to be fure ; and yet I
think I could hit upon a method to fet every
thing to right again.
L. 'Trink. How ? how ? My dear Lady Free-
love, how ?
L. Free. Suppofe then your lordlhip was to go
and deliver thefe country gentlemen from their
confinement ; make them believe that it was a
plot of young Oaklfs to carry off my niece; -and
ib make a merit of your own fervices with the
father.
* F 2 L, Trink*
84 The JEALOUS WIFE.
L. 'Trhik. Admirable ! I'll about it imme-
diately.
'O Cut. Has your lordfliip any occafion for my
farvice in this expedition ?
L. Trink. O no : Only releafe me thefe
people, and then keep out of the way, dear
captain !
'O Cut. With all my heart, fait ! But you are
all wrong ! this will not fignify a brafg farding.
If you wou'd let me alone, 1 wou'd give him a
fait col, I warrant you But upon my credit
there's noting to be done without a little
tilting. [Exit.
L. Free. Ha ! ha ! poor captain 1
L. *Trink. But where fhall I carry them, when I
have deliver'd them ?
L. Free. To Mr. Oaklys,^ by all means. You
may be lure my neice is there.
L. I'rink. To Mr. Oaklfs ! Why, does your
ladylhip confider ? 'Tis going directly in the fire
of the enemy : throwing the dementi full in
their teeth.
L. Free. So much the better. Face your ene-
mies : nay, you fhall outface them too. Why
where's the difference between truths and un-
truths, if you do but flick clofe to the point ?
Falfhood wou'd fcarce ever be detected, if we had
conftdenc enough to fupport it.
L.lrink. Nay, I don't want bronze upon oc-
cafion but to go amongft a whole troop of
people, fure to contradicl every word I fay, is fo
dangerous
L. Free. To leave Rujjet alone amongft them,
wou'd be ten times more dangerous. You may
be fure that Oakly's will be the firft place he will
go to after his daughter, where, if you don't
accompany him, he will be open to ail their
fuggefcions. They'll be all in one (lory, and
nobody there to contradict them : and then
their
The JEALOUS WIFE. 8$
their dull truth wou'd triumph, which muft not
be. No- - no - -pofitively, my lord, you
muft battle it out.
L. Trink. -- Well ! I'll go, 'pon honour --
and if I cou'd depend on your ladyfhip as a corps
de referee. --
L. Free. I'll certainly meet you there. Tufh !
my lord, there's nothing in it. It's hard, in-
deed, if two perfons of condition can't bear them-
felves out againft fuch trumpery folks as the fa-
mily of the Oaklys.
L. ifrink. Odious low people ! -- -But I lofe
time -- 1 muft after the captain - and fb, till
we meet at Mr. Oakfy's, I kifs your ladyfhip's
hands. -- You won't fail me*
L. Free. You may depend on me. [Exit L.
Lady Freelove, fola>,
So here is fine work ! This artful little huffy
has been too much for us all i Well ? what's to be
done r 1 Why, \vhen a woman of fafhion gets into
a fcrape, nothing but a fashionable aflurance can
get her out of it again. I'll e'en go boldly to
Mr. Oakly'Sj as I have promifed, and if it appears
practicable, I will forward Lord Trinket's match ;
but if I find that matters have taken another
turn, his lordfhip muft excufe me. In that cafe
) '11 fairly drop him 3 feem a perfect ftranger to all
his intentions, and give my vifit an air of con-
gratulation to my niece and any other hufband,
which fortune, her wife father, or her ridiculous
felf has provided for her. [Exit.
SCENE changes to Mrs. OaklyV Dre/ing-Room.
Mrs. Oakly, fola.
This is worfe and worfe ! - He riever held
me fo much in contempt before - To go out
without fo much as fpeaking to me, or taking the
F 3 leaft
86 The JEALOUS W I F E.
Jeaft notice ! 1 am obliged to the Major for
this How cou'd he take him out ? and how
cou'd Mr. Oakly go with him ?
Enter Toilet.
',
Mrs. Oak. Well, Toilet!
Toil. My mailer is not come back yet, ma'am I
Mrs. Oak. Where is he gone ?
Toil. I don't know, I can allure your ladylhip.
Mrs. Oak. Why don't you know ? You know
nothing But I warrant you know well enough, if
you wou'd tell You fhall never perfbade me but
you knew of Mr. Oaktys going out to-day.
Toil. I wifh I may die, ma'am, upon my ho-
nour, and I proteft to your ladyfhip, I knew no-
thing in the world of the matter, no more than
the child unborn. There is Mr. Paris> my maf-
ter's gentleman, knows
Mrs. Oak. What does he know ?
Toil. That I knew nothing at all of the matter,
Mrs. Oak.' Where is Paris? What is he doing ?
Toil. He is in my mailer's room, ma'am.
Mrs. Oak. Bid him come here.
Toil. Yes, ma'am. [Exif.
Mrs. Oak. He is certainly gone after this young
flirt. His confidence and the Major's info-
jence provoke me beyond exprefiion.
Re-enter Toilet isitb Paris.
Where's your m after ?
Par. II eft for ti.
Mrs. Oak. Where is he gone ?
Par. Ah, Madame ! Je rfen Jcai rien. I know
noting of it.
Mrs. Oak. Nobody knows any thing. Why
did not you tell me he was going out ?
Par. I drefs him Je we menjoiicie $as du plus'
He go where he will I have no bifnefs wis it.
Mrs. Oak.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 87
Mts. Oak. Yes, you fhou'd have told me
That was your bufinefs and if you don't mind
your bufmefs better, you fhan't ftay here, I can
tell you, fir.
Par. Voila ! quelque choje d* extraordinaire !
Mrs. Oak. Don't ftand jabbering and Ihrugging
your moulders, but go, and enquire go
and bring me word where he is gone.
Par. I don't know what I am do -I'll afk
John.
Mrs. Oak. Bid John come to me.
Par. De tout mon cceur. Jean ! id ! Jean
Speak my ladi ! [Exit.
Mrs. Oak. Impudent fellow ! His infolent gra-
vity and indifference is infupportable Toilet !
Toil. Ma'am !
Mrs. Oak. Where's John ? Why don't he come ?
"Why do you ftand with your hands before you ?
Why don't you fetch him ?
Toil. Yes, ma'am I'll go this minute "
O ! here ! John ! My lady wants you.
Enter John.
Mrs. Oak. Where's your mafter ?
John. Gone out, madam !
Mrs. Oak. Why did not you go with him ?
John. Becaufe he went out in the Major's cha-
riot, madam !
Mrs. Oak. Where did they go to ?
John. To the Major 's, 1 fuppofe, madam.
Mrs. Oak. Suppole ! Don't you know ?
John. I believe fo, but can't tell for certain, in-
deed, madam !
Mrs. Oak. Believe ! and fuppofe ! and don't
know ! and can't tell You are all fools .
Go about your bufmefs ! [John going."] Come
here! [Returns.] Go to the Majors No it
does not fignify go along- -[John going]
F 4 Yes >
88 The J E A L O U S WIFE.
Yes, hark'ye ! [Returns.] Go to the Majtf& > and
fee if your matter is there.
John. Give your compliments r Madam !
Mrs. Oak. My compliments ! Blockhead ! Get
along ! [John #'.] Come hither ! [Returns.]
Can't you go to the Majors, and bring me word
if Mr. OMy is there, without taking any further
notice ?
John. Yes, ma'am !
Mrs. Oak. Well ! Why don't you go then !
And make hafte back -- And dy'e hear ! John !
[John going, returns.}
John. Madam !
Mrs. Oak. Nothing at all -- go along --
[John gees.] - How uneafy Mr. Oakly makes'
me ! -- Hark'ye ! John ! [John returns.]
John* Madam !
Mrs. Oak. Send the Porter here.
John. Yes, madam! [E#//John.
'Toil. So ! She's in a rare humour ! I Ihall have
a fine time on't - \_4fide.~\- - Will your lady-
fhip chufe to drefs ?
Mrs. Oak. Prithee, creature, don't teaze me
with your fiddle-faddle fluff I have a thoufand
things to think of Where is the Porter ? Why has
not that booby fent him ? What is the meaning
Re-enter John.
John. Madam my mafter is this moment re-
turned with Major Oakly, and my young mafter,
and the lady that was here yefterday.
Mrs. Oak. Very well. [Exit John.] Returned!
- yes, truly, he is returned -- and in a very
extraordinary manner -- This is fetting me at
open defiance But I'll go down, and fhew them
I have too much fpirit to endure fuch ufage.
' Or flay - I'll not go amongft his
company -- I'll go out - foilet !
Ma'am !
Mrs. Oak.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 89
Mrs, Oak. Order the coach, I'll go out. [Toilet
going.] -- Toilet! ftay ! - I'll e'en go down to
them -- No -- -'Toilet /
Toil. Ma'am !
Mrs. Oak. Order me a boil'd chicken- I'll
not go down to dinner --- I'll dine in my own
room, and fup there- -- -I'll not fee his face thefe
three days. [ Exeunt*
S C EN E changes to another room.
Enter Oakly, Major Oakly, Charles, and Harriot.
Char. My dear Harriot, do not make yourfelf
fo
Hur. Alas ! I have too much caufe for my
uneafmefs. Who knows what that vile Loixl has
done with my father ?
Oak. Be comforted, madam ! We fhall fbon hear
of Mr. RuJJet, and all will be well I dare fay.
Har. You are too good tome, Sir! - But I
can atfiire you, I am not a little concerned on your
account as well as my own - 3 and if I did not flat-
ter myfelf with the hopes of explaining every
thing to Mrs. Oakty's fatisfaction, I fhould never
forgive myfelf for having difturbed the peace of
fuch a worthy family,
Maj. Don't mind that, madam! They'll be very
good friends again - This is nothing among
married people. -- 'Sdeath ! Here ilje is ! -- No
-- It's only Mrs. Toilet.
Enter Toilet.
Oak. Well, Toilet, what now ? [Toil, whifpers.]
Not well ? Can't come down to dinner ? Wants
to fee me above ? -- Hark'ye, brother, what
fhall I do ?
Maj. If you go, you're undone.
Bar. Go, Sir !- -- go to Mrs. Oakly -- Indeed
you had better -
Wf.
9 o The JEALOUS WIFE.
Maj. 'Sdeath, brother ! don't budge a foot
This is all fraclioufnefs and ill-humour
Oak. No I'll not go Tell her I have com-
pany, and we fhall be glad to fee her here.
{Exit Toilet.
Maj. That's right.
Oak. Suppofe 1 go and watch how Ihe pro-
ceeds ?
Maj. What d'ye mean ? You wou'd not go
to her ! Are you mad ?
Oak. By no means go to her I only want to
know how fhe takes it. I'll lie perdue in my
ftudy, and obferve her motions.
Maj. I don't like this pitiful ambufcade-work
This bufh-fighting Why can't you flay here ?
Ay ! ay ! 1 know how it will be She'll
come bounce in upon you with a torrent of an-
ger and paffion, or, if necefiary, a whole flood of
tears, and carry all before her at once.
Oak. You fhall find that your'e miftaken, Ma-
jor ! Don't imagine that becaufe I wifh not
to be void of humanity, that I am deflitute of
refolution. Now I am convinc'd I'm in the
right, I'll fupport that right with ten times
your fteodinefs.
Maj. You talk this well, brother !
Oak. I'll do it well, brother !
Maj. If you don't, you're undone.
Qak. Never fear ! never fear ! {Exit.
Maj. Well, Charles \
Char. I can't bear to fee my Harriot fo uneafy.
I'll go immediately in queft of Mr. Rujjet. Per-
haps I may learn at the Inn where his Lordfhip's
ruffians have carried him.
Ruf. {without, ,] Here ? Yes, yes, I know Ihe's
here well enough. Come along, Sir Harry, come
along.
Har. He's here ! My father ! I know his
voice. Where is Mr. Oakiy ? O now, good Sir,
[ft
The JEALOUS WIFE. 91
[To Major.] Do but pacify him, and you'll be a
friend indeed.
Enter RufTet, Lord Trinket, and Sir Harry Beagle.
L. Trink. There ! Sir I told you it was fo.
Ruf. Ay, ay, it is too plain O you pro-
voking flut ! Elopement after elopement ! And
at laft to have your father carried off by violence !
To endanger my life ! Zouns ! I am fo angry, I
dare not truft myfelf within reach of you.
Char. I can affure you, Sir, that your daughter
is entirely
Ruf. You afTure me ? You are the fellow that
has perverted her mind That has fet my own
child againft me
Char. If you will but hear me, Sir
Ruf. I won't hear a word you fay I'll have
my daughter 1 won't hear a word.
Maj. Nay, Mr. Rujfet, hear reafon. If you
will but have patience
Ruf. I'll have no patience I'll have my daugh-
ter, and Ihe fhall marry Sir Harry to-night.
L. Trink. That is dealing rather too much en
cavalier with me, Mr. Rujjet, 'pon honour. You
take no notice of my pretenfions, though my
rank and family
Ruf. What care I for rank and family ! I
don't want to make my daughter a rantipole
woman of quality. I'll give her to whom I
pleafe. Take her away, Sir Harry ! She fhall
marry you to-night.
Har. For heaven's fake, Sir, hear me but a
moment.
Ruf. Hold your tongue, girl ! Take her away,
Sir Harry, take her away.
Char. It muft not be.
Maj. Only three words, Mr. Riiffet.
Ruf. Why don't the booby take her ?
Sir Har. Hold hard ! hold hard ! You are all on
3. wrong fcent : Hold hard ! I fay, hold hard !-
Hark ye, Squire Ruflet*
9 2 The JEALOUS WIFE.
Ruf. Well ! what now ?
Sir Har. It was propofed you know, to match
me with Mifs Harriot But (he ean't take kindly
to me. When one has made a bad bet, it is beft
to hedge off, you know and fo I have e'en
fwopped her with Lord Trinket here for his brown
horfe Nabob, that he bought of Lord Wbiftle-
Jacksty for fifteen hundred guineas.
Riff. Swopped her ? Swopped my daughter for
a horfe ? Zouns, Sir, what d'ye mean ?
Sir Har. Mean ? Why I mean to be off, to be
fure It won't do -I tell you it won't do
^Firft of all I knocked up myfelf and my
horfes, when they took for London and now
I have been ilewed aboard a tender 1 have
wafted three ftone at leaft If I cou'd have
rid my match, it wou'd not have grieved me
And fo as I faid before, I have fwopped her
for Nabob.
Ruf. The devil take Nabob, and yourfelf, and
Lord Trinket, and
L. Trink. Pardon ! je vous demands pardon Mon-
fieur Rufiet ! 'pon honour.
Ruf. Death and the devil ! I fliall go diftra&ed.
My daughter plotting againft me the
Maj. Come, come, Mr. Rujjet, I am your man
after all. Give me but a moment's hearing, and
I'll engage to make peace between you and your
daughter, and throw the blame where it ought to
fall moft defer vedly.
Sir li. Ay, ay, that's right. Put the faddle
on -the right horfe, my buck !
Ruf. Well, Sir ! What d'ye fay ? Speak
1 don't know what to do
Maj. I'll fpeak the truth let who will be of-
fended by it. I have proof prefumptive and pofi-
tive for you, Mr. Ruffit. From his lordfhip's
behaviour at Lady Freelcvis, when my nephew
refcued her, we may fairly conclude that he
The JEALOUS WIFE. 93
ftick at no meafures to carry his point.
There's proof prefumptive. But, Sir, we can
give you proof" pofitive too proof under
his lordfhip's own hand, that he, likewife, was
the contriver of the grofs affront that has juft
been offered you.
Ruf. Hey ! how ?
L. Prink. Every fyllable romance, 'pon ho-
nour.
Maj. Gofpel, every word on't.
Char. This letter will convince you, Sir !
In confequence of what happened at Lady Free-
loves, his lordfhip thought fit to fend me a chal-
lenge : but the meflenger blundered, and gave me
this letter inftead of it. [Giving the letter.} i have
the cafe which inclofed it in my pocket.
L. Prink. Forgery, from beginning to end,
'pon honour.
Maj. Truth upon my honour. But read,
read, Mr. Ruffet, read and be convinced.
Ruf. Let me fee let me fee [Reading]
Um-^um um um fo ! fo ! um um
um damnation ! ^^Wi/h me Juccejs <-obcdient
Jlave Trinket. Fire and fury ! Row dare
you do this ?
L. Prink. W hen you are cool, Mr. Ruffei> I will
explain this matter to you.
Ruf Cool ? 'Sdeath and hell ! I'll never be
cool again I'll be revenged.- So my Harriot^
my dear girl is innocent at laft. Say fo, Har~*
riot, tell me you are innocent. [Embracing her.
Har. I am, indeed, Sir ! and happy beyond
expreffion, at your being convinced of it.
Ruf. I am glad on't 1 am glad on't I believe
you, Harriot ! You was always a good girl.
Maj. So Hie is, an excellent girl ! Worth
a regiment of fuch Lords and Baronets
.Come, Sir, finifh every thing handfomely at
once
94 The JEALOUS WIFE.
once. Come, Charles will have a hand-
fome fortune.
Ruf. Marry ! She durft not do it.
Maj. Confidcr, Sir, they have long been fond
of each other, old acquaintance faithful
lovers turtles and may be very happy.
Riif. Well, well fince things are ib 1
love my girl. Hark'ye, yonug Oakly, if you'
don't make her a good hufband, you'll break my
heart, you rogue.
Char. Do not doubt it, Sir ! my Harriot has re-
formed me altogether.
Ruf. Has fhe ? Why then there
Heaven blefs you both there now there's
an end on't.
Sir Bar. So, my lord, you and I are both
diftanced A hollow thing, damme.
L. Trink. N'impcrte.
Sir Har. \^Afide.~\ Now this ftake is drawn, my
Lord may be for hedging off mayhap. Ecod !
I'll go to Jack Speed's, and fecure Nabob, and be
out of town in an hour Soho ! Lady Free-
love ! Yoics ! [Exit.
Enter Lady Freelove.
L. Free. My dear Mifs RuJJet, you'll excufe
Char. Mrs. Oakly, at your Ladyfhip's fervice.
L. Free. Married ?
Har. Not yet, madam, but my father has been
fo good as to give his confent.
L. Free. I proteft, I am prodigioufly glad of it.
My dear, I give you joy and you, Mr. Oakly,
1 wi{h you joy, Mr. Ruffet, and all the good
company for I think they are moft of them
parties concerned.
Maj. How eafy, impudent, and familiar !
\4fi4t.
L. Free. Lord Trinket here too ! I vow I did not
fee your lordihip before.
L. Prink.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 95
L. Trink. Your Ladyfhip's moft obedient flave.
[Bowing.
L. Free. You feem grave, my lord ! Come,
come, I know there has been fome difference be-
tween you and Mr. Oakly You muft give me
leave to be a mediator in this affair.
L. Trink. Here has been a (mail fracas to be fure,
madam ! We are all blown, 'pon honour.
L. Free. Blown ! What do you mean, my
Lord?
L. tfrink. Nay, your Ladyfhip knows that I
never mind thefe things, and I know that they
never difcompofe your Ladyihip But things
have happened a little en tracers The little billet
that i fent your Ladyfhip has fallen into the hands
of that gentleman [Pointing to Char.] and
fo there has been a little brouillerie about it-
that's all.
L. Free. You talk to me, my Lord, in a very
extraordinary ftile If you have been guilty of
any mifbehaviour, I am forry for it ; but your ill
conduft can fatten no imputation on me. Mift
RuJJet will juftify me fufficiently.
Maj. Had not your Ladyfhip better appeal to
my friend Charles here ? The letter ! Charles !
. Out with it this inftant !
Char. Yes, I have the credentials of her lady-
fhip's integrity in my pocket. Mr. Rujet, the
letter you read a little while ago was inclofed in
this cover, which alfo I now think it my duty to
put into your hands.
Ruf. \ReadingJ\ 'fo the Right Honourable Lady
freelove 'Sdeath and hell ! and now I
recollect, the letter itfelf was pieced with fcraps
of Frenchy and Madam, and Tour Ladyjhip Fire
and fury ! madam, how came you to ufe me fo ?
I am obliged to you then for the infult that has
been offered me.
a Z* Free.
96 The JEALOUS WIFE.
L. Free. What is all this ? Your obligations to
rne, Mr. Riijj'ct, are of a nature that
RuJ. Fine obligations I I dare fay I am partly
obliged to you too for the attempt on my daugh-
ter by that thing of a Lord yonder at your houfe.
Zouns I Madam, thefe are injuries never to be for-
given They are the groffeft affronts to me and
my family All the world {hall know their*
Zouns !Fll
L. Free. Mercy on me ! how boillerous are thefe
country gentlemen ! Why really, Mr. Ruffet t you
rave like a man in Bedlam* I am afraid you'll beat
me and then you fwear moft abominably.
JIow can you be fo vulgar ? 4 fee the mean-
ing of this low malice But the reputa--
tions of women of quality are not fo eafily im-
peached My rank places me above the fcan-
dal of little people, and I ftiall meet fuch petty
infolence with the greateft eale and tranquillity.
But you and your fimple girl will be the fufferers.
< 1 had fome thoughts of introducing her into
o o
the firft company But now x madam, 1 lh.all nei-
ther receive nor return your vifits, and will entirely
withdraw my protection from the ordinary part of
the family. [Exit 1 .
RuJ. Zouns ! what impudence ! that's wo?fe than
all the reft.
L. I'rirk. Fine prefence of mind, faith ! The
true French Nonchalence But good folks, why
fuch a deal of rout and tap&ge about nothing at
all ? If Mademoifelle Harriot had rather be
Mrs. Oakly than Lady Trinket Why I wifh
her joy, that's all Mr. Rujjet^ I wifh you joy
of your fon-in-law Mr. Oakfy, I wifh you joy
of the lady and you, madam, [To Harriot.] o/
the gentleman 'And in fhort, I wifh you all joy
of one another, 'pon honour ! [Exit.
Ruf. There's a fine fellow of a Lord now ! The
devil's in your London folks of the firil fafhion^
The JEALOUS WIFE* 97
as you call them. They will rob you of your ef-
tate, debauch your daughter, or lie with your
wife = and all as if they were doing you a
favour-- y fon honour ! [Bell rings violently.
Maj. Hey ! what now ?
Enter Oakly.
Oak. D'ye hear Major, d'ye hear ?
Maj. Zouns ! what a clatter ! She'll pull
down all the bells in the houfe.
Oak. My obfervations fmce I left you have con-
firmed my refolution. I fee plainly, that her good-
humour) and her ill-humour, her fmiles, her tears,
and her fits, are all calculated to play upon me.
Maj. Did not I always tell you fo ? It's the way
with them all they will be rough, and fmooth,
and hot, and cold, and all in a breath. Any
thing to get the better of us.
Oak. She is in all moods at prefent, I promife
you 1 am at once angry and aftiamed of her j
and yet fhe is fo ridiculous I can't help laughing
at her there has Ihe been in her chamber,
fuming and fretting, and difpatching a meflenger
to me every two minutes fervant after fervant-
now fhe infifts on my coming to her now again
Ihe writes a note to intreat then 'Toilet is fent to
let me know that Ihe is ill, abfolutely dying-
then, the very next minute, flie'll never fee my
face again (he'll go out of the houfe directly.
[Bell rings.] Again ! now the ftorm rifes !
Maj. It will foon drive this way then now
brother, prove yourfelf a man You have gone
too far to retreat.
Oak. Retreat! Retreat! No, no! I'll
preferve the advantage I have gained, I am de-
termined.
Maj. Ay, ay '.keep your ground ! fear no*
thing up with your noble heart ! Good difcipline
G makes
9* The JEALOUS WIFE.
makes good foldicrs ; flick clofe to my advice,
and you may (land buff to a tigrefs
Oak. Here fhe is, by heavens now ! brother I
Maj. And now ! brother ! Now or never 1
Enter Mrs. Oakly.
Mrs. Oak. I think, Mr. Oakly , you might have
had humanity enough to have come to fee how I
did. You have taken your leave, 1 fuppofe, of
all tendernefs and affecbion but I '11 be calm
I'll not throw myfelf into a paffion you
want to drive me out of your houfe 1 fee what
you aim at, and will be aforehand with you
let me keep my temper ! I'll fend for a
chair, and leave the houfe this inftant.
Oak. True, my love ! I knew you wou'd not
think of dining in your own chamber alone, when
I had company below. You fhall lit at the head
of the table, as you ought to be fure, as you fay,
and make my friends welcome.
Mrs. Oak. Excellent raillery ! Look ye, Mr.
Oakly, I fee the meaning of all his affected cool*
nefs and indifference.
Oak. My dear, confider where you are
Mrs. Oak. You wou'd be glad, I find, to get
me out of your houfe, and have all your flirts
about you.
Oak. Before all this company ! Fie !
Mrs. Oak. But I'll difappoint you, for I fhall
remain in it to fupport my due authority as for
you, Major Oakly !
Maj. Hey-day ! What have I done ?
Mrs. Oak. I think you might find better em-
oloyment, than to create divifions between mar-
ried people and you, Sir !
Oak. Nay, but my dear !
Mrs. Oak. Might have more fenfe, as well as
tendernefs, than to give ear to fuch idle fluff.
i Oak.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 99
Oak. Lord! Lord!
Mrs. Oak. You, and your wife counsellor there,
I fuppofe think to carry all your points with me.
Oak. Was ever any thing
Mrs. Oak. But it won't do, Sir ! You fhall find
that I will have my own way, and that I will go-
vern my own family/
Oak. You had better learn to govern yourfelf
by half. Your paflion makes you ridiculous. Did
ever any body fee fo much fury and violence, af-
fronting your beft friends, breaking my peace, and
difconcerting your own temper ? And all for what ?
for nothing. 'Sdeath ! madam, at thefe years you
ought to know better.
Mrs. Oak. At thefe years ! Very fine I-
Am I to be talk'd to in this -manner ?
Oak. Talk'd to! Why not? You have
talk'd to me long enough almoft talk'd me to
death and I have taken it all in hopes of making
you quiet but all in vain, for the more one bears,
the worfe you are. Patience, I find, is all thrown
away upon you and henceforward, come what
may, I am refolved to be mafter of my own
houfe.
Mrs. Oak. So ! fo ! Mafter indeed ! Yes, Sir,
and you'll take care to have miftrefles enough too,
I warrant you.
Oak. Perhaps I may; but they fhall be quiet
ones, I can aiture you.
Mrs. Oak. Indeed! and do you think I am fuch
a tame fool as to fit quietly and bear all this ?
You {hall know, Sir, that I will refent this be-
haviour You fhall find that I have a fpirit
Oak. Of the devil.
Mrs. Oak. Intolerable! You fhall find then
that I will exert that fpirit. I am fure I have need
of it. As foon as the houfe is once cleared again,
I'll fhut my doors againft all company You fhan't
fee a fingle foul for this month.
G 2 Oak.
ioo The JEALOUS WIFE,
Oak. 'Sdeath ! madam, but I will. I'll keep
open houfe for a year I'll fend cards to the
whole town Mr. Oaklfs route ! All the world
will come and I'll go among the world too
I'll be mew'd up no longer.
Mrs. Oak, Provoking infolence ! This is
not to be endured. Look'ye, Mr. Oakly
Oak. And look'ye, Mrs. Oakly, I will have my
own way.
Mrs. Oak. Nay then, let me tell you, Sir
Oak. And let me tell you, madam, I will not
be crofled 1 won't be made a fool.
Mrs. Oak. Why, you won't let me fpeak.
Oak. Becaufe you don't fpeak as you ought
madam ! madam ! you lhan't look, nor walk, nor
talk, nor think, but as I pleafe.
Mrs. Oak. Was there ever fuch a monfter ! I
can bear this no longer. \Burfts into tears.} O you
vile man ! 1 fee through your defign you
cruel, barbarous, inhuman fuch ufage to your
poor wife ! You'll be the death of her,
Oak. She fhan't be the death of me, I am de-
termined.
Mrs. Oak. That it ftiould ever come to this !
To be contradicted [Sobbing.'] infulted
. abufed hated 'tis too much my
heart will burft with oh oh [Fal/s
into aft.
Harriot, Charles, &c. run to her afliftance.
Oak. [Interpq/ing.'] Let her alone.
Bar. Sir, Mrs. Oakly
Cbar. For Heaven's fake, Sir, fhe will be
Oak. Let her alone, I fay, I won't have her
touchtd let her alone if her paflions throw
her into fits, let the ftrength of them carry her
through them.
Har. Pray, my dear Sir, let us aflift her ! fhe
may Oak
The JEALOUS WIFE. 101
Oak. I don't care you fhan't touch her let
her bear them patiently fhe'll learn to behave
better another time. Let her alone, I fay.
Mrs. Oa%, {.Rifing.~\ O you monfter ! you
villain ! you bafe man ! -Wou'd you let
me die for want of help ? wou'd you
Oak. Blefs me ! madam, your fit is very vio-
lent take care of yourfelf.
Mrs. Orf., Defpifed ridiculed but I'll be re-
vengedyou fhall fee, Sir ;
Oak. Td-de-rol loll-de-rol loll-de-rol loll, [fmging.
Mrs. Oak. What, ami madeajeftof? Exppfed
to all the world If there's law or juftice '
Oak. fol-de-rol loll-de-rol loll-de-rol loll, [finging.
Mrs. Oak. I ftiall burft with anger Have a
care, Sir, you may repent this Scorned and made
ridiculous ! No power on earth fhall hinder my
revenge. [Going.
Har. [Interpofmg.] Stay, madam !
Mrs. Oak. Let me go. I cannot bear this place,
Har. Let me befeech you, madam !
Oak. What does the girl mean ?
Maj. Courage ! brother. You have
done wonders.
Apart.
Oak. I think, fhe'll have no more fits. ^
Har. Stay, madam! Pray flay! but one
moment. I have been a painful witnefs of your
uneafinefs, and in great part the innocent occafion
of it. Give me leave then
Mrs. Oak. I did not expeft indeed to have found
you here again. But however
Har. I fee the agitation of your mind, and it
makes me miferable. Suffer me to tell you the
real truth. I can explain every thing to your fatis-
faction,
Mrs. Oak. May be fo I cannot argue with you.
Char. Pray, madam, hear her for my fake-
for your own dear madam !
Mrs. Oak, Well well proceed.
Oak.
The JEALOUS WIFE.
Oak. I mall relapfe, I can't bear to fee <%
her fo uneafy. I Apart.
Maj. Hulh ! Hufh ! 1
Har. 1 underftand, madam, that your firft alarm
was occafioned by a letter from my father to your
nephew.
Ruf. I was in a bloody paflion to be fure, ma-
dam ! The letter was not over-civil I believe
J did not know but the young rogue had ruined my
girl. But it's all over now, and fo
Mrs. Oak. You was here yefterday, Sir !
Ruf. Yes, I came after Harriot. I thought I
fhould find my young Madam with my young Sir,
here.
Mrs. Oak. With Charles, did you fay ? Sir.
Ruf. Ay, with Charles, Madam ! The young
rogue has been fond of her a long time, and Ihe of
him, it feems.
Mrs. Oak. I fear I have been to blame. \_Afide.
Ruf. I a(k pardon, madam, for the diflurbance
I made in your houfe.
Har. And the abrupt manner in which I came
into it, demands a thoufand apologies. But the
occafion muft be my excufe.
Mrs. Oak. How have I been miftaken ! \_Afide, .]
But did not I overhear you and Mr. Oakly
[ To Harriot.
Har. Dear madam ! you had- but a partial hear-
ing of our converfation. It related entirely to this
gentleman.
Char. To put it beyond doubt, madam, Mr.
RuJJet and my guardian have confented to our mar-
riage ; and we are in hopes that you will not with-
hold your approbation.
Mrs. Oak. 1 have no further doubt I fee you
are innocent, and it was cruel to fufpeft you You
have taken a load of anguifh off my mind and
yet your kind interpofition comes too late, Mr.
Oaklfs love for me is entirely deftroyed. [Weeping.
Oak.
The JEALOUS WIFE. 103
Oak. I mnft go to her -
Maj. N ot yet ! Not yet !
Har. Do not difturb yourfelf with fuch appre-
henfions, I am fure Mr. Oakly loves you moft af-
fectionately.
Oak. I can hold no longer. [Going to her.~\ My
affection for you, madam, is as warm as ever.
Nothing can ever extinguifh it. My conftrained
behaviour cut me to the foul For within thefe
few hours it has been all conftrained and it was
with the utmoft difficulty that I was able to fup-
port it.
Mrs. Oak. O, Mr. Oakly, how have I expofed
myfelf ! What low arts has my jealoufy induced
me to practife ! I fee my folly, and fear that you
can never forgive me.
Oak. Forgive you ! 'You are too good, my
love ! Forgive you ! Can you forgive me ?
This change tranfports me. Brother ! Mr.
RuJJet ! Charles ! Harriot ! give me joy ! I am
the happieft man in the world.
Maj. Joy, much joy to you both ! though, by-
the-bye, you are not a little obliged to me for it.
Did not I tell you I wou'd cure all the diforders
in your family ? I beg pardon, filter, for taking
the liberty to prefcribe for you. My medicines
have been fomewhat rough, I believe, but they
have had an admirable effect, and fo don't be angry
with your phyfician.
Mrs. Oak. I am indeed obliged to you, and 1
fed
Oak. Nay, my dear, no mere of this. All
that's paft muft be utterly forgotten.
Mrs. Oak. I have not merited this kindnefs, but
it (hall hereafter be my ftudy to deferve it. Away
with all idle jealoufies ! And firvce my fulpicions
have hitherto been groundlefs, I am refolvcd for
the future never to fufpect at all.
FINIS.
EPILOGUE /
Spoken by Mrs. C L I V E.
J AD1ES ! Tve had a Squabble with the Poet
*-* About his Characters and you Jhall know it.
Young Man,faid I, rejlrainyour faucy Satire !
My Part's ridiculous -falfe out of Nature,
fine Draughts indeed of Ladies ! Jure you hate 'em f
Why, Sir! My Part is Scandalum Magnatum.
" Lord) Ma'am, fold he, to copy Life my Trade is,
And Poets ever have made free with Ladies ^:
One Simon "the Deuce take fuch Names astbefe !
A hard Greek Name O #y Simonides ~
Hcjkav'ji, our Freaky this Whim and that Defire^
Rofefirjl from Earth, Sea, Air, nay, fame from Fire ;
Or that we owe our Perfons, Minds, and Features
To Birds, forfotth, and filthy four- legg'd Creatures,
The Dame, of Manners various, Temper fickle^
Now alfor le a jure, now the Conventicle !
Wljo Prays, then Raves, now Calm, now all Commotion^
Rifes, another Venus y fra?n the Ocean.
Conjlant at every Sale, the Curious Fair,
Who longs for Dxefden, and old China Ware ;
Who doats on Pagods, and gives up vile Man
For niddle-noddle Figures from Japan ;
Critick in Jars and yoffes, Jhews her Birth
Drawn, like the brittle Ware itf elf, from Earth.
The flaunting Jhe,fojlately, rich, and vain,
Who gains her conquefts by her Length of Train $
While all her Vanity is under Sail,
Siveeps, a proud P eacockj with a gaudy Tail.
Hujbandand Wife, with Sweets ! and Dears! and Loves !
What arc they but a Pair of cooing Doves ?
But feiz' d with Spleen, Fits, Humours, and all that y
Tour Dove and Turtle turn to Dog and Cat.
The GoJJip, Prude, Old Maid, Coquette, and Trapes,
Are Parrots, Foxes, Magpies, Wafps, and Apes ;
But She, with ev'ry Charm of Form and Mind,
Oh ! She's fweet Soul the Phoenix of her Kind: 3
This his Apology! J Tis rank Abufe
A frejh affront, injiead of an Excufe !
His own Sex rather fuch Defcription fuits :
Why don't He draw their Characters The Brutes I
Ay, let him paint thofe ugly Mwjhrs, Men !
Mean time Mend We our Lives, Hill mend his Pen,
/r H E
ROAIV TO RUIN:
COMEDY,
THEATRE ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN,
THE SECOND EDITION,
BY
THOMAS HOLCROFT.
%
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR J. DEBRETT, OPPOSITE BUailNGTON-HOVSI,
PICCADILLY.
1792.
PROLOGUE.
Spo/ken by MR. FA w GET.
> >
nter t driving a lay acrofs thejlage.
A-W AY! 'Sblood! Run for the author ! We can do nothing
til! he appears.
Tell him in Ms than five minutes we ftiall have the houfe about
our ears !
70 the audience J\
Oh firs ! The prompter has miflaid the prologue, and we are all
a mort.
I fuppofe our friends above yonder will foon be making pretty
fport!
For pity's fake, fuffer us to go on without it Good, dear firs, do!
'Twas moil abominably dull Zounds ! There (lands the writer.
Well ! It's very true.
One of our ti_ turn ti heroes was to have fpoken it, who meafurc
out nonfenfe by the yard ;
And our chief hope, was you'd make too much noife for it to be
heard.
The author had mounted on the ftilts of oratory and elocution :
Not but he had a fmart touch or two, about Poland, France, and
the the revolution ;
Telling us that Frenchman, and Polimman, and every man is our
brother ;
And that all men, ay, even poor negro men, have a right to be
free ; one as well as another !
Freedom at length, faid he, like a torrent is fp read ing and fwell-
i"g
To fweep away pride and reach the moft miferable dwelling :
To eafe, happinefs, art, fcience, wit, and genius to give birth ;
Ay, to fertilize a world, and renovate old earth !
Thus he went on, not mentioning a word about the play ;
For he fays prologues are blots, which ought to be wiped away :
Agothic practice, and, in fpite of precedent, not the better for
being old ;
For, if we tell any part of the plot, it then becomes a tale twice
told ;
And fuch twice telling can rarely once excite our wonder :
Ergo, he that fays nothing is leaft likely to blunder.
Since therefore prologues are bad things at beft, pray, my good
friends,
Never mind the wajjt of one, but live in hopes the play will make
amends. [Exit*
DRAMATIS
Mr. Dornton
Harry Dorntoa
Mr. Sulky
Mr. vSIlky
Goldfinch
Mr. Milford
Mr. Smith
Hofier
Sheriff's Officer
Jacob
Waiter.
Clerks.
Servants.
Poftillions.
Tradefmen.
Tennis Markers, &c.
Mrs. Warren
Sophia :
Jenny
Mrs. Ledger
Milliner.
Manteau-maker.
V.
Mr. MuNDEN.
Mr. HOLM AN.
Mr. WILSON.
Mr. QUICK.
Mr. LEWIS.
Mr. HARLEY.
Mr. POWELL.
Mr. MAC CR.EADY,
Mr. THOMPSON.^-
Mr. REES.
Mr$. MATTOCKS,
Mrs. MERRY.
Mrs. HA R LOWE.
Mrs. POWELL.
'SCENE, London. Time not twenty-four Lours.
N. B. The paflages marked with double commas are omitted
in reprefentation.
THE
ROAD TO RUIN
COMEDY.
ACT I.
S C E N E I. The Houfe cf DORNTON.
Mr. DDR NT ON alone.
EAST two o'clock and not yet returned!
Well, well! It's my own fault ! Mr.
th!
Enter Mr. SMITH.
Mr. Smith. Sir.
Dornton. Is Mr. Sulky come in ?
Mr. Smith. No, fir.
Dornton. Are you fnre Harry Dornton faid he
thould return to-night ?
Mr. Smith. Yes, fir.
Dornton. And you don't know where he is
gone ?
Mr. Smith.
a THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Mr. Smith. He did not tell me, fir.
Dornton. [Angrily\ 1 afk if you know !
Mr. Smith. I believe to Newmarket, fir.
Dornton. You always believe the word ! I'll
fit up no longer Tell the fervants to go to bed
And do you hear, fhould he apply to you for
money, don't let him have a guinea.
Mr. Smith. Very well, fir.
Dornton. I have done with him , he is hence-
forth no fon of mine ! Let him ftarve !
Mr. Smith. He acts very improperly, fir, in-
deed.
Dornton. Improperly ! How ? What does he
do ? [Alarmed.
Mr. Smith. Sir !
Dornton. Have you heard any thing of ?
Mr. Smith. [Confufed] No No, fir Nothing
Nothing but what you yourfelf tell me.
Dornton. Then how do you know he has acted
improperly ?
Mr. Smith. He is certainly a very good-hearted
young gentleman, fir.
Dornton. Good-hearted ! How dare you make
fuch an affertion ?
Mr. Smith. Sir !
Dornton. How dare you, Mr. Smith, infult me
fo ? Is not his gaming notorious ; his racing,
driving, riding, and afibciating with knaves, fools,
debauchees, and black legs ?
Mr. Smith. Upon my word, fir I
Dornton. But it's over ! His name has this very
day been (truck out of die firm ! Let his drafts be
returned. It's all ended ! \Paffionatelf\ And, ob-
ferve, not a guinea ! If you lend him any your-
felf I'll not pay you. I'll no longer be a fond
doting father ! Therefore take warning ! Take
warning, I fay ! Be his diftrefs what it will, not a
guinea!
ACOMEDY. 3
guinea ! Though you ihould hereafter fee him
begging, ftarving in the ftreets, not fo much as
the loan or the gift of a (ingle guinea !
[With great pajfioti.
Mr. Smith. I (hall be careful to obferve your
orders, fir.
Dornton. Sir ! ['Terror'] Why, would you fee him
ftarve ? Would you fee him ftarve and not lend
him a guinea ? Would you, fir ? Would you ?
Mr. Smith. Sir .'Certainly not, except jn obe-
dience to your orders !
Dorntcn. [Amazement and compa/ion] And could
any orders juftify your feeing a poor unfortunate
youth, rejected by his father, abandoned by his
jfriends, ftarving to death ?
Mr. Smith. There is no danger of that, fir.
Dornton. I tell you the thing (hall happen !
He fhall ftarve to death ! [Horror at thefuppofition]
I'll never look on him more as a fon of mine ;
and I am very certain, when I have forfaken 1 him,
all the world will forfake him too. [Almoft in
tears.] Yes, yes ! He is born to be a poor
wretched outcaft !
Mr. Smith. I hope, fir, he ftill will make a fine
man.
Dornton. Will ? There is not a finer, hand-
fomer, nobler looking youth in the kingdom ; no
not in the world !
Mr. Smith. I mean a worthy good man, fir.
Dornton. How can you mean any fuch thing ?
The company he keeps would corrupt a faint.
Mr. Smith. Sir, if you will only tell me what
your pleafure is, I will endeavour to act like a
faithful fervant.
Dernton. I know you are a faithful fervant, Mr.
Smith [Takes his hand] I know you are But
you You are not a father.
B 2 Enftr
4 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Enter Mr. SULKY, and Mr. SMITH goes off.
Dornton. Well, Mr. Sulky, have you heard any
thing of him ?
Sulky. Yes.
Dornton. And, hay ? [Exceffively impatient']
Any thing confoling, any thing good ?
Sulky. No.
Dornton. No ? No, fay you ! Where is he ?
What is he about ?
Sulky. I don't know.
Dorntcn. Don't ? You love to torture me,
fir ! You love to torture me.
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. For heaven's fake tell me what you
have heard !
Sulky. I love to torture you.
Dornton. Put me out of my pain ! If you are
not a tiger, put me out of my pain !
Sulky'. \_Reluftantly drawing a new/paper out of bis
Docket.] There ; read !
Dornton. Dead !
Sulky. Worfe.
Dornton. Mercy defend me ! Where ? What ?
Sulky. The firft paragraph in the poftfcript : the
beginning line in capitals.
Dornton. [Reads'] * The junior partner of the
6 great banking houfe,- not a mile from the Poft-
' office, has again been touched at Newmarket,
' for upward of ten thoufand pounds' [Pauje]
It can't be !
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. Why, can it ?
Sulky. Yes.
Dorntcn. How do yon know ? What proof have
you that this is not a lie ?
4 Sulky.
ACOMEDY. s
Sulky. His own hand-writing.
Dornton. How !
Sulky. Bills at three days fight to the full
arhount have already been prefented.
Dornton. And accepted ?
Sulky. Yes.
Dornton. But ! Why ! Were you mad, Mr.
Sulky ? Were you mad ?
Sully. I foon (hall be.
Dornton. Is not his name ftruck off the firm?
Sulky. They were dated two days before.
Dorntcn. The credit of my houfe begins to
totter !
Sulky. Well it may !
Dcrnton. What the effecl: of fuch a paragraph
may be I cannot tell !
Sulky. I can Ruin.
Dornton. Are you ferions, fir ?
Sulky. I am not inclined to laugh A run
againft the houfe, ftoppage, difgrace, bankruptcy.
Dornton. Really, Mr. Sulky, you
Sulky. Yes, I know I offend. I was bred' in
your houfe, you ufed me tenderly, I ferved you
faithfully, and you admitted me a partner. Don't
think I care for piyfelf. No. I can fit at the deik
again. But you 1 You ! Firft man of the firft
commercial city on earth, your name in the
Gazette ? Were it mine only I would laugh at it.
What am I ?. Who cares for me ?
Dcrnton. " Where is the vile ?"
Sulky. " Who can tell ? With his lords and his
f( ladies, his court friends and his Newmarket
" friends, his women of wit and his men of foul,
f< his blue ftockings and his black legs !"
Dornton. [Calling] Mr. Smith ! Thomas ! -
"William !
Enter
6 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Enter Mr. SMITH.
Call all thefervants together, Mr. Smith; clerks>
footmen, maids, every foul ! Tell them their
young matter is a fcoundrel!
Mr. Smith. Very well, fir.
Dornton. Sir ? [His anger recurring] Bid them
fliut the door in his face ! I'll turn the firft away
that lets him fetfoot in this houfe ever again !
Mr. Smith. Very well, fir.
Dornton. Very well, fir ? Damn your very well,
fir ? I tell you it is not very well, fir. He (hall ftarve,
die, rot in the ftreet ! Is that very well, fir ?
[Exeunt Mr. Dornton and Mr. Smith.
Sulky, Has a noble heart. A fond father's heart.
The boy was a fine youth But he fpoiled him ;
and now he quarrels with himfelf and all the
\vorld, becaufe he hates his own folly. [Diftant
knocking heard at the ftreet- door. ~\ So ! Here is the
youth returned. [Knocking again."]
Enter Mr. DORJS j ox, followed fy Servants.
Dornton. Don't fiir ! On your lives, don't go to
the door! Are the bolts and locks all fattened ?
Servants. All, fir. [Knocking]
Dornton. Don't mind his knocking ! Go to bed
every foul of you inftantly, and fall faft afleep !
He (hall ftarve in the ftreets ! [Knocking again]
Fetch me my blunder buls ! Make hafte ! [Exeunt.
Scene changes to the Street before the Door.
HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, and Pojliliicns.
Poftillion. We fmoked along, your honour !
Harry. [Knocks'] I know you did. Had you
been lefs free with your whip you would have been
' 1 1lT
halt
A C O M E D Y. 7
half a crown richer. Your next ftep fliould be
to turn drummers, and handle the cat o* nine
tails.
Poftillion. It is very late, your honour !
Harry. Be gone ! I'll give you no more. [Knocks']
[Exeunt Poftillions.
Dornton. [Throwing up thefaflj and prefenting the
llunderbujs, Mr. Sulky behind.] Knock again, you
fcoundrel, and you fhall have the full contents
loaded to the muzzle, rafcal !
Harry. So ! I fufpecled dad was in his tantarums.
Mil/or d. You have given him forne caufe.
Harry. Very true. [To bis father] Confider, my
dear fir, the confequences of lying out all night !
Dornton. Be gone, villain !
Harry. Bad women, fir ; damps, night air !
Dornton. Will you be gone ?
Harry. Watch-houfes, pick-pockets, cut-throatsi
Sulky. Come, come, fir [Shutting down the win-
dow]
Milford. We (hall not get in.
Harry. Pmaw ! How little do you know of my
father ! The door will open in lefs than fifteen
feconds.
Milford. Done, for a hundred !
Harry. Done, done ! [They take out their 'watches
and the door opens] I knew you were had ; double
or quits we find the cloth laid and fupper on the
table.
Milford. No, it won't do. [Exeunt into the hcuje.
Scene changes to the former Apartment.
Enter HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, andFwtman.
Footman. My old matter is in a bitter paffion, fir.
Harry. I know it.
Fcotma}?.
8 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Footman. He is gone down to turn the fervant
out of doors that let you in.
Harry. Is he ? Then go you and let your fcliow-
fervant in again.
Footman. I dare not, fir.
Harry. Then I muft. [Exit.
Footman. He enquired who was with my young
matter.
Milford. Well!
Footman. And when he heard it was you, fir, he
was ten times more furious. [Exit Footman.
Re-enter HARRY DORNTON.
Harry. All's well that ends well. This has been
a curfed lofing voyage, Milford !
Milford. I am a hundred and fifty in.
Harry. And I ten thoufand out !
Milford. I believe I had better avoid your fa-
ther for the prefent.
Harry. I think you had. Dad confiders you as
my tempter, the caufe of my ruin.
Milford. And I being in his debt, he conceives
he may treat me without ceremony.
Harry. Nay, damn it, Jack, do him juftice ! It
is not the money you had of him, but the ill advice
he imputes to you that galls him.
Milford. I hear he threatens to arreft me.
Harry. Yes ! He has threatened to ftrike my
name out of the firm, and difinherit me, a thou-
fand times !
Milford. Oh, but he has been very ferious in
menacing me.
Harry. And me too.
Milford. You'll be at the tennis-court to-mor-
row ?
Harry. No.
Milford. What, not to fee the grand match ?
Harry. No.
Milford.
A C O M E D Y. 9
Milford. Oh yes, you will.
Harry. No. I am determined.
Milford. Yes, over night : you'll waver in the
morning.
Harry. No. It is high time, Jack, to grow pru-
dent.
Milford. Ha, ha, ha ! My plan is formed : I'll
foon be out of debt.
Harry. How will you get the money ?
Milford. By calculation.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha !
Milford. I am refolved on it. <e What ! Can't a
<e man of invention and genius out-wit a black-
"leg?"
Harry. " Yes, if he will be as great a fcoundrel."
Milford. " That's not neceffary. A keen eye,
<e a contriving head, a lucky moment and a little
" algebra will rout the whole hoft." How many
men of rank and honour, having loft their for-
tunes, have doubly recovered them !
Harry. And very honourably !
Milford. Who doubts it ?
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! Nobody ! Nobody !
Milford. But pray, Harry, what is it you find
fo att radii ve in my late father's amorous reluft ? '
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! What the widow Warren ?
Milford. She feems to think and even reports
you are to marry !
Harry. Marry ? Her ? A coquette of forty, who
ridiculoufly apes all the airs of a girl ! Fantaitic,
felfim and a fool ! And marry ? Difgufting idea !
Thou wert philofophifing as we drove on the con-
dition of a poft-horfe ?
Milford. Well?
Harry. I would rather be a poft-horfe, nay the
rafcal that drives a poft-horfe, than the bafe thing
thou haft imagined !
C Milfcrd.
io THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Milford. Then why are you fo often there ?
Harry. Becaufe I can't keep away.
Milford. What, it is her daughter, Sophia ?
Harry. Lovely, bewitching innocent !
Milford. The poor young thing is fond of you ?
Harry. I mould be half mad if I thought (lie
was not, yet am obliged to half hope (lie is not {
Milford. Why ?
Harry. What a queftion ! Arn I not a profli-
gate, and in all probability ruined r Not even
my father can overlook this lad affair! No!
Heigho !
Milford. The lofs of my father's will, and the
myftery made of its contents by thofe who wit-
neifed it, are ftrange circumftances !
Harry. In which the widow triumphs. And
you being a baftard, and left by law to itarve, (lie
willingly pays obedience to laws fo wife.
Mtiford. She refufes even to pay my debts.
Harry. And the worthy alderman, your father,
being overtaken by death in the fouth of France,
caretully makes a will, and then as carefully hides
it where it is not to be found ; or commits it to
the cuftody of fome mercenary knave, who has
made his market of it to the widow So ! Here
comes tjie luppofed executor of this fuppofed will,
Enter Mr. SCLKY.
My dear Mr. Sulky, how do you do ?
Sulky. Very ill.
Harry. Indeed ? I am very forry \ What's
your diforder ?
j
Sulky. You.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha !
Sulky. Ruin, bankruptcy, infamy !
Harry, The old (lory !
Sulky. To A new tune.
Harry.
A C O M E D Y. ii
Harry. Ha, ha, ha !
Sulky. You are
Harry. What, my good cynic ?
Sulky. A fafliionable gentleman.
Harry. \ know it.
Sulky. And fafhionably ruined.
Plarry. No' I have a father.
Sulky. Who is ruined likewife.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! Is the Bank of England
ruined ?
Sulky. I fay ruined. Nothing lefs than a mi-
racle can fave the houfe. The purfe of Fortu-
natus could not fupply you.
Harry. No; it held nothing but guineas. Notes,
bills, paper for me !
Sulky. Such effrontery is infufferable. For thefe
five years, fir, you have been driving to ruin more
ftirioufly than
Harry. An ambafladour's coach on a birth-night.
I faw you were ftammering for a fimile.
Sulky. Sir!
Harry. Youth mounts the box, feizes the reins,
and jehus headlong on in the dark ; Paffion and
Prodigality blaze in the front, bewilder the coach-
man, and dazzle and blind chepaflengers; Wifdorn,
Prudence, and Virtue are overfet and maimed or
murdered ; and at laft Repentance, like the foot-
man's flambeau lagging behind, lights us to dan-
gers when they are paft all remedy.
Sulky. Your name is (truck off the firm. I was
the advifer.
Harry. You were very kind, Mr. Sulky.
Sulky. Your father is at laft determined.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! Do you think fo ?
Sulky. You'll find fo ! And what brought you
here, fir ? [T0 Mitford}.
Milford. A cU-aife and four.
C 2 Sulky.
12 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Sulky. It might have carried you to a fafer place.
When do you mean to pay your debts ?
Miiford. When my father's executor prevails on
the widow Warren to do me juftice.
Sulky. And which way am I to prevail ?
Milford. And which way am I to pay my
debts ?
Sulky'. You might have more modefty than info-
lently to come and brave one of your principal
creditors, after having ruined his fon by your evil
counfel.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! Don't believe a word on't,
my good grumbler ; I ruined myfelf, I wanted no
counfellor.
Milfcrd. My father died immenfely rich ; and,
though I am what the law calls illegitimate, I
ought not to ftarve.
S'^ky. You have had five thoufand pounds, and
are five more in debt.
Milford. Yes, thanks to thofe who truft boys
with thoufands.
Sulky. You would do the fame now you think
yourfelf a man.
Milford. {firr.ily} Indeed I would not.
Sulky. Had you been watching the widow at
home, inftead of galloping after a knot of gam-
blers and pickpockets, you might perhaps have
done yourie'f more fervice.
Milford. Which way, /ir?
Sul-ky. The will of your late father is found.
Milford. Found ?
Sulky. I have received a letter, from which I
learn it was at laft difcovered, carefully locked
up in a private drawer ; and that it is now a full
month fince a gentleman of Monrpelier, coming
to England, was cntrufted with it. But no fuclr
gentleman has yet appeared.
Milford.
A COMEDY. 13
Milford. If it ihould have got into the hands of
the widow !
Sulky. Which I fufpecl: it has ! You are a
couple of pretty gentlemen ! But beware ! Mif-
fort^ne is at your -heels ! Mr. Dornton vows ven-
geance on you both, and juftly. He is not gone
to bed; and if you have confidence enough to look
him in the face, I would have you (lay where you are.
Miiford. I neither wifh to infult nor be infulted.
[Exit.
Sulky. Do you know, fir, your father turned
the poor fellow into the ftreet, who companion -
ately opened the door for you ?
Harry. Yes ; and my father knows I as com-
paffionately opened the door for the poor fellow
in return.
Sulky. Very well, fir ! Your fame is increafing
daily.
Harry. I am glad to hear it.
Sulky. Humph ! Then perhaps you have pa-
ragraphed youtfelf?
Harry. Paragraphed? What? Where?
Sulky. In the St. James's Evening.
Harry. Me ?
Sulky. Stating the exad amount.
Harry. Of. my lofs ?
Sulky. Yours You march through every ave-
nue to fame, dirty or clean.
Harry. "Well faid ! Be witty when you can ;
farcatiic yon mfift be, in fpite of your teeth. But
I like you the better. You are honeft. You are
my cruet of Cayenne, and a fprinkling of you is
excellent.
Sulky. Well, fir, when you know the ftate of
your own affairs, and to what you have reduced
the houfe, you will perhaps be lefs ready to grin.
Harry. Reduced the houfe ! Ha, ha, ha !
Enter
14 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Enter Mr. DORNTON, wifb the New/paper in bis
Hand.
Dornton. So, fir !
Harry. \Bowing] I am happy to fee you, fir.
Dorntcn. You are there, after having broken
into my houfe at midnight ! And you are here,
[Pointing to the paper'] after having ruined me and
my houfe by your unprincipled prodigality \ Are
you not a fcoundrel ?
Harry. No, fir : I am only a fool.
Sulky. Good night to you, gentlemen.
Dcrnton. Stay where you are, Mr. Sulky. I
beg you to ftay where you are, and h'e a witnefs to
my folemn renunciation of him and his vices !
Sulky. I have witneffed ir a thoufand times.
Dorntcn. But this is the lad. Are you not a
fcoundrel, I fay ?
Harry. I am your fon.
Dorntcn. [Calling] Mr. Smith ! Bring in thofe
deeds.
Enter Mr. SMITH.
You will not deny you are an incorrigible fquan-
derer ?
Harry. I will deny nothing.
Dcrnton. A nuifance, a wart, a blot, a (lain upon
the face of nature !
Harry. A ftain that will warn out, fir.
Dorvton. A redundancy, a negation ; a befotted
fophiflicated incumbrance ; a jumble of fatuity ;
your head, your heart, your words, your actions,
al! a iargon ; incoherent and unintelligible to your-
felf, abfurd and offenfive to others !
Sulky. The whirlwind is rifing.
Harry. I am whatever you pleafe, fir.
Dcrnton. Bills never examined, every thing
bought on credit, the price of nothing afced !
Confcious
A C O M E D Y. 15
Confcions you were weak enough to wifh for bau-
bles you did not want, and pant for pleafures you
could not enjoy, you had not -the effrontery to
affume the circumfpect caution of common fenfe !
And to your other deftruccive follies, you muft add
the deteftable vice of gaming !
Harry. Thefe things, fir, are much eafier done
than defended.
Dornton. But here Give me that parchment!
[fto'Mr. Smith'] The partners have all been fum-
moned. Look, fir ! Your name has been formally
era fed !
Harry. The partners are very kind.
Dornton. The fufpicions already incurred by the
known profligacy of a principal in the firm, the
immenfe fums you have drawn, this paragraph,
the run on the houfe it will occafion, the con-
fternation of tne whole city
Plarry. All very terrible, and fome of it very
true. [Half afide.
Dornton. [Pajfionately~\ Give me the will, Mr.
Smith ! Give me the will ! Fond and foolilh as I
have been, read, and you will find I am at laft re-
ftored to my fenfes ! If I fhould happily outlive
the ftbrm you have raifed, it (hall not be to fup-
port a prodigal, or to reward a gambler ' You
are difinherited ! Read !
Harry. Your word is as good as the Bank, fir.
Dornfon. I'll no longer ad tlie doting father,
fafcinated by your arts !
Harry. I never had any art, fir, except the one
you taught me.
Dornton. I taught you ! What ? Scoundrel !
What ?
Harry, That of loving you, fir.
Dornton. Loving me !
Harry. Mod fincerely !
Bornton.
j6 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Dorntcn. {Forgetting his prfjion] Why, can you
fay, Harry Rafcal ! I mean, that you love me ?
Harry. I fhould be a rafcal indeed if I did
not, fir.
Dornton. Harry ! Harry ! [Struggling with his
filings'] No! Confound me if I do! -Sir, you
are a vile !
Harry. I know I am.
Dornton. And I'll never fpeak to you more.
[Gain*.
t- o
Harry. Bid me good night, fir. Mr. Sulky here
will bid me good night, and you are my father !
Good night, Mr. Sulky.
Sulky. Good night. [Exit.
Harry. Come, Sir
Dornton. [Struggling with paffion] I won't ! If
I do!
Harry. Reproach me with my follies, ftrike out
my name, difinherit me, I deferve it all and more
But fay Good night, Harry !
Dornton. 1 won't ! I won't ! I won't !
Harry. Poverty is a trifle ; we can whittle it
off But enmity
Dornton. I will not !
Harry. Sleep in enmity? And who can fay how
fonndly ? Come! Good night.
Dorntcn. I won't ! I won't ! [Rims cff.
Harry. Say you fo ? Why then, my nobie-
hearted dad, I am indeed a fcoundrel !
Re-enter Mr. DORNTON.
Dorntcn. Good night ! [Exit- .
Harry. Gcod night ! And Heaven eternally blefs
you, fir ! Heigho ! " That's fomething. [Sings.]
' Time, would you let him wifely pafs,
1 Is lively brilk and jolly.'
"Ail
A C O M E D Y. , 7
f All is not quite as it mould be ; but [Sings.]
f Dip but his wings in the fparkling glafs,
6 And he'll drown dull melancholy.'
Heigho !" [arfA
END OF THE FIRST ACT,
ACT II.
SCENE I.
JENNY and Mrs. LEDGER.
JENNY.
ITELLr you, good woman, I can do nothing
for you.
Mrs. Ledger. Only let me fee Mrs, Warren'.
Jenny. And get myfelf fnubbed. Not J indeed.
Enter SOPHIA, Skipping,
Sophia. La, Jenny ! Tender's my mamma,
with a whole congregation of milliners, manteau-
makers, mercers, haberdafhers, lace-men, feather-
men, and and all the world, consulting about
fecond mourning !
Jenny. I know ir,
Sophia. It will be fix months to-morrow fince
the death of my father-in-law; " and me has
** t>een bufy giving orders for this fortnight that
J) every
i* THE ROAD TO RUIN:
" every thing might be brought home and triei
*' on to-day. I do believe (he'll fleep in her new
" clothes !"
Jenny. How you run on, mifs !
Sophia. What would my dear grandma' fay, if
(he faw her ? Why (he is even fonder of finery
than I am !
Jenny. Sure, mifs, you are not fond of finery ?
Sophia. Oh but 1 am I wonder why (he won't
let me wear high-heeled (hoes ! I am fure I am
old enough ! I (hall be -eighteen next Chriftmas
day at midnight, which is only nine months and
two days ! And fince (he likes to wear flips, and
fames, and ringlets and nonfenfe, like a girl,
why mould not I have high heels, and gowns,
and feftinis, and hoops, and trains, and fweeps
[Mimicking] and like a woman ?
Jenny. It's very true what your mamma tells
you, mifs ; you have been fpoiled by your old
fond grandmother in Gloucefterfhire.
Sophia. Nay, Jenny, I won't hear you call my
<3ear grandma' names ! Though every body told
the loving old foul (he would fpoil me.
Jenny. And now your mamma has fent for you
up to town to finifh your education.
Sophia. Yes. She began it the very firft day.
There was the ftay-majter fent for, to fcrew up my
jfhapes; the (hoe maker, to cripple my feet; the
hair-drefler, to burn my hair; the jeweller, to
bore my ears \ and the dentift, to file my teeth.
Jenny. Ah ! You came here fiich a hoyden ! [To
JArs. Ledger^ What, an't you gone yet, miftrefs ?
Sophia. La, Jenny, how can you be fo crofs to
people ? What is the matter with this good woman ?
Jenny. Oh ! Nothing but poverty.
Sophia. Is that all? Here [Rummaging her pocket']
give her. this half crown, and- make her rich.
A C O M E D Y. i0
%nny. Rich indeed !
Sophia. What, is not it enough ? La, I ani forry
I fpent all my money yefterday J I laid it out in
fweetmeats, cakes, a canary bird, and a poll par-
rot. But I hope you are not very, very poor ?
Mrs. Ledger. My hufband ferved the late alder-
man five-and-twenty years. His mafter promifed
to provide for him ; but his pitilefs widow can
fee him thrown with a broken heart upon the
parifh.
Sophia. Oh dear ! Stop ! Stop a bit ! [Run-
ning of] Be fure you don't go ! [Exif*
Enter Mr. SULKY.
Sulky. Where's your miftrefs, girl ?
Jenny. My name is Jane Cocket, fir*
Sulky. Where's your miftrefs ?
Jenny. Bufy, fir.
Sulky. Tell her to come down Don't ftare^
girl, but go and tell your miftrefs I want her.
Jenny. [Afide] Humph ! Mr* Black and gruff!
[Exit.
Re-enter SOPHIA, with great glee.
Sophia. I've got it ! Here ! Take this, good
woman ; go home and be happy ! Take it, I tell
you ! [Offering a purfe.
Sulky. Who is this ? Mrs. Ledger ! How does
your worthy hufband ?
Mrs. Ledger. Alack, fir, ill enough ; likely to
ftarve in his latter days.
Sulky. How ! Starve ?
Mrs. Ledger. The widow refufes to do any
thing for him*
Sulky. Humph !
Mrs. Ledger. Service, age, and honefty are poor
pleas, with affluence, eafe, and Mrs. Warren.
D * Sully
o THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Sulky. Humph !
Mrs. Ledger. You, fir, I understand, are the late
alderman's executor ?
Sulky. I can't tell.
Mrs. Ledger. Perhaps you may be able to fervc
my hufband ?
Sulky. I don't know However, give my re-
fpects to him. He (han't ftarvc : tell him that.
Sophia. Nay, but take this in the mean time.
Sulky. Ay ; take it, take it. [Exit Mrs. Ledger
much affe5led.~\ And who are you, mifs Charity ?
Styhia. Me, fir ? Oh ! 1 I am my grandma's
grand-daughter.
Sulky. Humph !
Sophia. Sophia Freelove.
Sulky. Oh ! The widow's daughter by her firft
hufband ?
Sophia. Yes, fir.
Re-enter JENNY.
Sulky. Where's your miftrefs ?
"fenny. Coming, fir. So ! You haveftolen your
iftamma's purfe, mifs ?
Sophia. La, don't fay fo ; I only ran away with
it ! She was bargaining for fome fmuggled lace
with one of your acquaintance, and I thought I
could difpofe cf her money to better advantage.
J-ettny. Without her confent ?
Sophia. Yes, to be Cure ! I knew I fliould never,
difpofe of it in that manner with her confent.
Jenny. Well ! Here comes your mamma. [Exit.
Enter the Widow WARREN, in a fantaftic girli/h
morning Mtefi, furrounded by Milliners, Manteau-/
makers, Furriers, Hatters, &c* with their attend"
ants with band boxes ; all talking as they come on.
Widow. So you'll be fure not to forget my cha-
pcau a la PruiTe, Mr. Mincing ?
Hatter.
A C O M E D Y. 21
Hatter. Certainly not, madam.
Widow. And you'll make a delicate choice of
the feathers ?
Hatter. The felection (hall be elegant, madam.
Widow. Yes 1 know, Mr. Mincing, you're a
charming man ! And you will let me have my
pierrof a la Coblentz by nine in the morning, Mrs.
Tiffany ?
Man feau- maker. To a minute, maim.
Sulky. Madam, when you have a moment's lei-
fure
Widow. Be quiet, you fright ; don't interrupt
me ! And my caraco a la luiffar, and my bava-
roifes a la ducheffe. And put four rows of pearl
in my turban.
Milliner. Ver veil, me lady (hip.
Widow. And you'll all come together, exactly
at nine ?
Omnes. We'll all be here ! [Going.
Widow. And don't forget the white ermine tip-
pets, and the black fox muffs, and the Kamfchatka
furs that you mentioned, Mr. Weazel !
Furrier. I'll bring a fine aiTortment, madam.
Widow. And, and, and No ; no you may all
go I can think of nothing elfe I (hall remember
more to-morrow.
\_Alltogetber*
"T ' ' ^ Thank you, madam!
Furrier. J
M */^-,l Verv much obliged to
maker and >
Girls.
Milliner. Dee ver good bon jour
to me ladyfhip.
Widow. What was it you were faying, Mr.
Sulky ? Pray, child, what have you done with
my purfe ?
Sofhia. Given it away, ma\
Widow.
2* THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Widow. Given it away, minikin ?
Sophia. Yes, ma*.
Widow. Given my purfe away ! To whom ?
For what purpofe ?
Sophia. La, ma', only only to keep a poor
woman from ftarving !
Widow. I proteft, child, your grandmother has
totally ruined you !
Sulky. Not quite, madam : (he has left the finifh-
ing to you.
Widow. What were you faying, Mr. Sulky ?
Sulky. You won't give me leave to fay any thing,
madam.
Widow. You know you are a mocking trouble-
fome man, Mr. Sulky ! I have a thoufand things
to remember, and can't bear teafing! It fatigues
my fpirits ! So pray relate this very urgent bufinefs
of yours in a (ingle word. What would you have ?
Sulky. Juftice.
Widow. Lord, what do you mean ? Do yoa
think I am in the commiffion ?
Sulky. Yes, of follies innumerable !
Widow. You are a fad favage, Mr. Sulky !
And who is it you want juftice for ?
Sulky. Your late hufband's fon, John Milford.
Widow. Now pray don't talk to me ! You are
a very intrufive perfon ! You quite derange my
ideas ! I can think of nothing foft or fatisfactory
while you are prefent !
Sulky. Will you hear me, madam ?
Widow. I can't ! I pofitively can't ! It is an
odious lubject !
Sophia. Nah, ma', how can you be fo crofs to
my brother Milford ?
Widow. Your brother, child ? Country educa-
tion ! How often, minikin, have I told you he
is no brother of yours !
Sophia.
A C O M E D Y. *3
Sophia. La, ma', he was your hufband's fon !
Widow. Yes, his Faugh ! Odious word !
Your brother ?
Sophia. Yes, that he is ! For he is in diftrefs.
Sulky. Humph !
Widow. And would you now, you who pretend
to be a very prudent ridiculous kind of a perfon,
wifh to fee me fquander the wealth of my poor
dear dead good man on Mr. Milford, and his pro-
fligate companions ?
Sulky. Not I indeed, madam ; though the pro-
fligate to whom you make love mould happen to
be one of them !
Widow. Ha, ha, ha ! Oh the monfter ! I make
love ! You have no eyes, Mr. Sulky ! \Walking
and exhibiting herfelf] You are really blind ! But
J know whom you mean.
Sulky. I mean young Dornton, madam.
Widow. To be fure you do! Whom could
you mean ? Elegant youth ! Rapturous thoughts!
Sophia. I am fure, fir, young Mr. Dornton is
no profligate !
Sulky. [Significantly'} You are fure ?
Sophia. Yes, that 1 am !
Sulky. Humph.
Sophia. And it's very fcandalous, very fcan-
dalous indeed, to fay he is my ma's lover !
Sulky. Humph.
Sophia. Becaufc he is a fine genteel young gen-
tleman ; and you know ma' is
Widow. Pray, minikin, be lefs flippant with
your tongue.
Sophia. Why la, ma', you yourfelf know you
are too !
Widow. Go up to your chamber, child !
Sophia. I am fure, ma', I fay it is very fcandal-
p;is to call the, handfome Mr. Dornton your lover!
[Exit flipping.
Sulky.
24 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
|
Sulky. Do you blufh ?
Widow. Blufh indeed ? BJufli ? Ha, ha, ha f
You are a very unaccountable creature, Mr.
Sulky ! Blulh at the babbling .of a child ?
Sulky. Who is your rival ?
Widow. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! My rival ? The
poor minikin ! My rival ? But I have a mef-
ifage for you ! Now do compofe your features to
foltnefs and complacency ! Look pleaiant if you
can ! Smile for once in your life !
Sulky. Don't make love to me ! I'll have no-
thing to fay to you !
Widow. Ha, ha, ha ! Love ?
Sulky. Yes, you make love to Dornton ! Nay
you make love to the booby Goldfinch ! Even I
am not fecure in your company !
Widow. Ha, ha, ha ! You are a mocking be-
ing, Mr. Sulky ! But if you fhould happen to
fee Mr. Dornton, do aftonim your acquaintance :
do a good-natured thing, and tell him I am at
home all day Love to you ? Ha, ha, ha ! Oh
ou figure ! You caricatura of tendernefs ! You
infupportable thing ! [Exit.
Sulky. [Sighs'] Ah ! All labour in vain ! [En-
ter Jenny] Stand out of the way, girl ! [Exit.
Jenny. There (he goes ! [Looking after the Widow]
That's lucky ! This way, fir !
Enter HARRY DORNTON, followed by bis own
Servant with bills in his hand. '
Jenny. My miftrefs is gone up to her toilette,
fir; but I can fend you Ibmebody you may like
better ! [Exit.
Harry. Obliging Abigail ! [Looking O'jer his
papers'] 'Sdeath ! What, all thefe tradefmen's bills?
Servant. All, fir. Mr. Smith fent me after you
with them.
Harry. When were they brought ?
Servant. Some laft night, batmoft this morning.
2
A C O M E D Y. i$
Harry. Ill news travels faft, and honefty is de-
viliQi induftrious. Go round to them all, return
their bills, and bid them come themfelves to-day.
Has Mr. Williams the holier fent in his bill ?
Servant. No, fir.
Harry. I thought as much Tell him to come
with the reft, and on his life not fail.
Servant. Very well, fir. [Exit.
Enter SopmAJoyoufly.
Sophia. Oh, Mr. Dornton, I am glad to fee
you ! Do you know, I've got the fong by heart
that you was fo good as to teach me !
Harry. And do you know, my charming So-
phia, you are the moft delightful, beautiful, be-
witching fcholar that ever took leffon !
Sfphia. La, Mr. Dornton, I'm fure I'm very
ftupid !
Harry. That you are all intelligence, all grace,
all wit !
Sophia. To be fure my ma* caught me finging
it, and (he was pettim ; becaufe you know it's all
about love, and ends with a happy marriage.
Harry. But why pettim ?
Sophia. La, I can't tell. I fuppofe flie wants to
have all the marriage m the world to herfelf ! It's
her whole talk ! I do believe (he'd be married
every morning that (he rifes, if any body would
have her !
Harry. Think not of her, ray fweet Sophia, but
tell me
Sophia. What ?
Harry. I dare notaik.
Sophia. Why ?
Harry. Left I (hould offend you.
Sophia. Nay now, Mr. Dornton, that is not
i ight of you ! I am never offended with any body,
E and
a6 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
and I am fure I fliould not be offended with you !
My grandma* always faid I was the beft-tempered
girl in the world. What is it ?
Harry. Were you ? ^Taking her hand~\ Did
you ever know what it is to love ?
Sophia. La, now, how could you afk one fuch a
queftion ? You know very well one muft not
tell ! Befides, you know too one muft not be in
love !
Harry. Why not ?
Sophia. Becaufe Becaufe I'm but a girl My
grandma' has told me a hundred times, it's a fin
for any body to be in love before they be a woman
grown, full one-and-twenty ; and I am not eigh-
teen !
Harry. Love they fay cannot be refitted.
Sophia. Ah, but I have been taught better ! It
may be refitted Nobody need be in love unlefs
they like : and fo I won't be in love, for I won't
wilfully do amifs. \lVitb great pofitivenefs'] No !
I won't love any perfon, though I mould love him
ever dearly !
Harry. [Afide] Angelic innocence ! [Aloud~]
Right, lovely Sophia, guard your heart againft
feducers.
Sophia. Do you know it is full five weeks fince
Valentine's day ; and, becaufe I'm not one-and-
twenty, nobody fent me a valentine !
Harry. And did you expect one ?
Sophia. Nah ! I can't fay but I did think !
In Giouccftermire, if any young man happen to
have a liking for a young woman f the is fure to -
hear of it on Valentine day. But perhaps Valen-
tine clay does not fall fo foon here as it does in the
country ?
Harry. Why, it is poflible you may yet receive a
valentine.
Sophia.
A C O M E D V. 17
Sophia. Nay now, but don't you go to think that
I am afking for one ; for that would be very wrong
of me, and I know better. ivly grandma' told me
I muft never mention nor think of fuch things till
I am a woman, full one-and- twenty grown ; and
that if I were to find fuch a thing at my window,
or under my pillow, or concealed in a plum-
cake -
Harry. A plum- cake ?
Sophia. Yes : I afiure you I have 1 heard of a va-
lentine fent baked in a plum-cake And fo " if
<c I had one that I muft (hew it to hen But you
f ' know (he is in Gloucefterfhire ; and I am fure I
(t would not mew it to ma', for though (he is all
(e out and above forty, (he would be as jealous as
ec the vengeance ! And indeed" I would not re-
ceive fuch a thing for the world, no not from the
fined man on earth, if I did not think him to be
a true and faithful, true, true lover !
Harry. But how muft he prove his faith and
truth ?
Sophia. Why fiKt he rrfuft love me very dearly !
-With all his heart and foul !-*-And then he
muft be willing to wait till I am one-and-twenty.
Harry. And would not you love in return ?
Sophia. N yes, when 1 come to be one-aod-
twenty^
Harry. Not footer ?
Sophia. Oh no ! I muft not !
Harry. Surely you might if you pteafecl ?
Sophia. Oh but you muft not perfuade me to
that ! If you do I {hall think you are a bad man,
fuch as my grandma' warned me of !
Harry. And do you think me fo ?
Sophia. Do I ? No! I would not tfank you
fo for athpufand thoufand golden guineas !
Harry. \_/ifide\ Fafciaating purity! What am
E 2 I about ?
*8 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
I about ? To deceive or trifle with fuch unfu
peeling affection would indeed be villany !
Goldfinch. [Without, at a dijlance~] Is (he above ?
Muft fee her !
Sophia. La, I hear that great, ridiculous, horfe
jockey oaf Goldfinch coming up! [Sighs'] Good
bye, Mr. Dornton J
Harry. Heaven blefs you, Sophia ! Sweet So-
phia, Heaven blefs you, my lovely angel ! Heigho !
Sophia. Heigho ! [Exit.
Goldfinch. [Without] Is fhe here ?
Servant. [Without] I don't know, fir.
Enfer GOLDFINCH in a high-collared coat, Jeveral
under waiftcoats, buck/kin breeches covering his
calves, Jhort boots, long fpurs, high- crooned bat,
.bair in the extreme, &c.
Goldfinch. Hah! My tight one!
Harry. [ Surveying bhn~] Well, Charles !
Goldfinch. How you flare! An'c I the go?
That's your fort !
Harry. Ha, ha, ha !
Goldfinch. Where's the widow ?
Harry. Gone up to drefs, and will not be down
thefe two hours.
Goldfytch. A hundred to eighty I'd fup up a
firing of twenty horfes in lefs time than me takes
to drefs her fetlocks, plait her mane, trim her ears,
and buckle on her body-clothes !
Harry. You improve daily, Charles !
Goldfinch. To be fure 1 That's your fort t
[Turning round to foevj bimjelf] An't 1 a genus ?
Harry. Quite an original ! You may challenge
the whole fraternity of .the whip to match you !
Goldfinch. Match me ! Newmarket can't match
me ! [Sbtwmg kimjelf] That's your fort !
Harry. Oh no ! Ha, Jia, ha ! You are harder
to-
A C O M E D Y. a 9
to match than one of your own pied ponies*-A
very different being from either your father or
grandfather !
Goldfinch. Father or grandfather ! Shakebags
both,
Harry. How ! . f ,
Goldfinch. Father a fugar-baker, grandfather a
flop-feller I'm a gentleman That's your fort !
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! And your father was only
a man of worth.
Goldfinch. Kept a gig ! \_Withgreat contempt]
Knew nothing of life ! Never drove four !
Harry. No, but he was a ufeful member of
fociety.
Goldfinch. A ufef ! What's that ?
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! A pertinent queftion.
Goldfinch. A gentleman like me a ufeful mem-
ber of fociety ! Bet the long odds nobody ever
heard of fuch a thing !
Harry. You have not acquired your character
in the world for nothing, Charles.
Goldfinch. World ! What does the world fay ?
Harry. Strange things It fays you have got
into the hands of jockeys, Jews, and fwindlers ;
and that, though old Goldfinch was in his day one
of the richeft men on 'Change, his fon will fhortly
become poorer than the pooreft black leg at New-
market.
Goldfinch. Damn the world !
Harry. With all my heart, damn the world, for
it fays little better of me.
Goldfinch. Bet you feven to rive the Eclipfe colts
againft the Highflyers, the fecond fpring meeting.
Harry. No. I have done with Highflyer and
Eclipfe too So you are in purfuit of the widow ?
Goldfinch. Full cry ! Muft have her !
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! Heigho ! You muft ?
Goldfinch.
30 THE ROAD TO Rtlltf:
Goldfinch. AM tip with me elfe ! If I don't
marry the widow I muft fmafh ! I've fecured the
knowing one.
Harry. Whom do you mean ? The maid ?
Goldfinch. Promifed her a hundred on the wed-*
ding day.
Enter JEN NT.
Jenny. My miftrefs can't fee you at prefent, gen
tlemen.
Goldfinch. Can't fee me ? [Vexed] Take Har-
riet an. airing in the phaeton !
Harry. What, is Harriet your favourite ?
. Goldfinch. To be fure ! I keep her.
Harry. You do ?
Goldfinch. Fine creature !
Harry. Well bred ?
Goldfinch. Juft to my tafte ! Like myfelf, free
and eafy. That's your fort !
Harry. A fine woman ?
Goldfinch. Prodigious ! Sifter to the Irifh
Giant! Six feet in her ftockings ! That's your
fort! Sleek coat, flowing mane, broad cheft, all
bone ! Dafhing figure in a phaeton ! Sky blue
habit, fcarlet fam, green hat, yellow ribbands,
white feathers, gold band and taflel ! That's your
fort !
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! Heigho ! Why you are
a high fellow, Charles !
Goldfinch. To be fure ! Know the odds !
Hold four in hand ! Turn a corner in ftile !-
Reins in form Elbows fquare -Wrift pliant
Hayait ! Drive the Coventry ftage twice a week
all fummer Pay for an infide place Mount the'
box Tip the coachy a crown vBeat the mail
Come in full fpeed ! Rattle down the gateway ! *
Take care of your heads ! Never killed but one
woman
A C O M E D Y. 31
woman and a child in all my ljf&- That's your
ion I [Going.
Jenny, \_4fide to Goldfinch'] Take him with you.
[Exif.
Goldfinch. Want a hedge ? Take guineas to
pounds Precipitate againft Dragon ?
Harry. No.
Goldfinch, [Afide'] Wifh I could have him a
few ! Odd or even for fifty ? [Drawing his hand
clenched from his "pocket.^
Harry. Ha, ha, ha 1 Odd enough !
Goldfinch. Will you cut a card, hide in the hat,
chuck in the glafs, draw cuts, heads or tails, gallop
the maggot, fwim the hedgehog, any thing ?
Harry. Nothing.
Goldfinch. I'm up to all That's your fort !
Get him with me and pigeon him. [Slfide] -Come
and fee my greys Been toTatterfall's and bought
a fet of fix Smokers ! Beat all England for
figure, bone, and beauty ! Hayait, charmers !
That's your fort ! Bid for two pair of moufc
ponies for Harriet.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! The Irifh Giantefs drawn
by moufe ponies !
Goldfinch. Come and fee 'em.
Harry. [ Sarcaftically'] No, I am weary of the
company of ftable-boys.
Goldfinch. Why fo ? Shan't play you any tricks
s-^-If they fquirt water at you, or make the colts
kick you, tell me, and I'll horfewhip 'em Arch
dogs! Deal of wit!
Harry. When they do I'll horfewhip them my-
felf.
Goldfinch. YourfelfP 'Ware that! Wrong
there !
Harry. I think I mould be right.
Goldfinch, po you ! What Been to fchool ?
5 Harry.
32 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
\ ,
Harry. To fchool ! Why yes I
Goldfinch. Mendoza ! Oh ! Good morrow !
[Exii.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha ! There goes one of my
friends ! Heigho !
I&iter MIL FORD in hafte, followed by GOLDFINCH
returning.
Goldfinch. What is it, Jack? Tell me! [Eagerly'}
Milford. Come, Harry ! We (hall be too late !
They are about to begin ! We may have what
bets we pleafe !
Goldfinch. Where ? What ?
Milford. The great match ! The famous French-
man and Will the marker ! A thoufand guineas
a fide !
Goldfinch. What, tennis ?
Milford. Yes. The Frenchman gives fifteen
and a bifque.
Goldfinch. To Will the marker ?
Milford. Yes.
Goldfinch. Will for a hundred !
Milford. Done !
Goldfinch. Done, done !
Harry. I bar the bet ; the odds are five to four
already.
Goldfinch. What, for the mounfeer ?
Harry. Yes.
Goldfinch. I'll take it, five hundred to four.
Harry. Done !
Goldfinch. Done, done !
Harry. No, I bar ! I forgot I have cut. I'll
never bet another guinea.
Milford. You do for a hundred !
Harry. Done !
Milford. Done, done ! Ha, ha, ha !
Harry. Pfhaw !
Golcffincb*
A COMEDY. .33
Goldfinch. What a cake !
Milford. But you'll go ?
Harry. No.
Milford. Yes, you wilU Come, come, the
match is begun I Every body is there ! The
Frenchman is the firft player in the world !
Barry. It's a noble exercife !
Milford. Ay ! Cato himfelf delighted in it !
Harry. Yes, it was much praftifed by the Ro-
mans.
Goldfinch. The Romans ! Who are they ?
Harry. Ha, ha, ha !
Milford. Ha, ha, ha ! Will you go or will you
not, Harry ?
Harry. I can't, Jack. My confcience won't let
me.
Milford. Plhaw ! Zounds, if we don't make
hade it will be all over !
Harry. \_In a hurry"] Do you think it will ?
[Stops fljort'] No I won't I mud not.
Milford. [Taking held of his arm'] Come along,
I tell you !
Harry. No.
Milford. They have begun !
Goldfinch. Have they ? I'm off! [Exit.
Milford. [Still ftruggling, and Harry retreating}
What folly ! Come along !
Harry. No. I will not.
Milford. [Leaving him and going] Well, well,
if you're fo pofitive
Harry. [Calling'] Stay, Jack ; flay I'll walk
up the ftreet with you, but 1 won't gQ in.
Milford. Double or quits the hundred that you
won of me laft night you do !
Harry. I don't for a thoufand !
Milford, No, no, the hundred.
F Harry.
34 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Harry. I tell you I won't. I won't go in with
you.
Milford. Done for the hundred !
Harry. Done, done ! [Exeunt.
SCENE changes to the Parlour of the Tennis-court.
Markers ptjjing and repajfing with Rackets and Balls.
Sheriff's Officer, two Followers , and one of the Markers.
[Shout.']
Marker. Hurrah !
Officer. Pray is Mr. Milford in the court ?
Marker. I'll bet you gold to filver the French-
man lofes ! Hurrah ! [Exit.
Enter Mr. SMITH from the Court.
Mr. Smith. He is not there.
Officer. Are you fure'?
Mr. Smith. The crowd is very great, but I can
neither fee him nor any of his companions.
Officer. Then he will not come.
Mr. Smith. I begin to hope fo !
Officer. [Examining his writ} tc Middlefex to
\vit One thoufand pounds Dornton againft John
Milford."
Mr. Smith. You mud take none but fubftantial
bail. [Shout] Whatafcene!
Officer. He will notHbe here.
Mr. Smith. Heaven fend !
Enter GOLDFINCH and a Marker running acrofs.
Goldfinch. Is the match begun ?
Marker. The firft game isjuft over.
Goldfinch. Who loft ?
Marker. The Frenchman !
Goldfinch,
A C O M E D Y. 35
Goldfinch. Hurrah !
Marker. Hurrah !
Goldfinch. Damn the mounfeers ! That's your
fort ! [Exit into the Court.
Mr. Smith. That's one of his companions. I
begin to tremble Stand afide ! Here they both
come !
Officer. Which is he ?
Mr. Smith. The fecond. [Shout.
Enter HARRY DORNTON and MILFORD, in hafte.
Harry. I hear them I I hear 'them ! Come
along !
Milford. Ha, ha, ha ! Harry ! You would
not go ! You were determined ! [Shout.
Harry. Zounds ! Come along ! [Exit in hafte.
[MUf or d follows him laughing.
Officer. [Stopping him'] A word with you, fir, if
you pleafe.
Milford. With me ? Who are you ? What do
you want ?
Officer. You are my prifoner.
Milford. Prifoner ! Damnation ! Let me go !
Officer. I muft do my duty, fir.
Milford. Here, here ; this is your duty.
[Pulling out his purfe.
Mr. Smith. [Advancing] It muft not be, fir.
Milford. Mr. Smith ! What, at the fuit of
Dornton ?
Mr. Smith. Yes, fir. 'Tis your own fault, for
leading his fon to thefe places. He heard you
were to bring him here.
Milford. Furies ! Marker ! [To a Marker pajf-
ing~] Tell Harry Dornton to come to rrie in-
ftantly !
Marker. Yes, fir. [Exit.
[Shout.}
' F 2 Mil/trd.
36 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Milford. Zounds ! Let me but go and fee the
match-
Mr. Smith. You muft not, fir.
Milford. [To another Marker] Marker!
Marker. Sir !
Milford. Who wins ?
Marker. The Frenchman has the beft on'c.
Milford. Tell Harry Dornton I am here in
trouble. Defire him to come this moment.
Marker. Very well, fir. [Shout.
Milford. [To the Officer'] I'll give you ten
guineas for five minutes !
Mr. Smith. Take him away, fir.
Officer. You muft come along, fir.
Milford. [To 'a Marker returning] Have you
told him ?
Marker. He can't come, fir.
Milfcrd. Very well, Harry ! Very well ! [To
thefecor.d Marker] Well, fir ?
Marker. He would not leave the court for a
thoiifand pounds.
Officer. Come, came, fir ! [To his two atten-
dants^ Bring him along !
Milford. Hands off, fcoundrels ! [Shout] Fiends !
[Exeunt.
SCENE changes to the Uouje of Mr. SILKY.
A Room ofBufnefs, Ledger, Letter-files, Ink-ftand, &:.
SILKY diftovered, and JACOB entering.
Silky. Ytell, Jacob ! Have you been ?
Jacob. Yes, fir.
Silky. Well, and what news? How is he?
Very bad ?
Jacob. Dead, fir.
Silky. [Overjoyed] Dead ?-
6 Jacob.
A C O M E D Y. 37
Jacob. As Deborah !
Silky. [Afidi] I'm a lucky man ! [Aloud} Are
you fure he is dead, Jacob ?
Jacob. I faw him with my own eyes, fir.
Silky. That's right, Jacob ! I'm a lucky man !
And \vhat fay the people at the hotel ? Do they
know who iie is ?
Jacob. Oh yes, fir ! He was rich ! A gentle-
man in his own country !
Silky. And did you take care they mould not
know you ?
Jacob. To be fure, fir ! You had given me
my leifon !
SHty. Ay, ay, Jacob ! That's right ! You arc
a fine boy ! Mind me, and I'll make a man of
you ! And you think they had heard nothing of
his having called on me ?
Jaccb. Not a word !
Silky. \_Afide~] It was a lucky miftake ! \Aloud]
Well, Jacob ! Keep clofe ! Don't fay a word, an4
I'll give you I'll give you a crown !
Jacob. You promifed me a guinea, fir !
Silky. Did I, Jacob ? Did I ? Well, well ? I'll
give you a guinea ! But be ciofe ! Did you call
at the widow Warren's ?
Jacob. Yes, fir.
Silky. And will me fee me ?
Jacob. She defines you will be there in an hour.
Silky. Very well, Jacob Keep clofe ! Not a
word about the foreign gentleman, or his having
been here a week ago, or his being taken fud-
denly ill and dying ! [Afidi\ It is a lucky ftroke !
-Clofe, Jacob, my boy !
Jacob. But give me the guinea, fir !
- Silky. What now, Jacob ?
Jacob* If you pleafe, fir. You may forget
Silky.
THJ, ROAD TO RUIN:
there, Jacob ; there ! You'll be a
rich man, Jacob ! A cunning fellow ! I read it
in your countenance, Jacob ! Clofe, Jacob, and
then !
Jacob. Perhaps you'll give me another ?
Silky. Well faid, Jacob ! You'll be a great man I
Mind what I fay to you, and you'll be a great
man ! Here's fomebody coming ! Go, Jacob !
Clofe! '
Jacob. And another gCTOea ? [Exif.
Silky. This is a lucky ftroke ! [Enter Goldfinch]
So, Mr. Goldfinch ? What do you want ?
Goldfinch. Money A thoufand pounds directly.
Silky. Fine talking, Mr. Goldfinch ! Money's
a fcarce commodity ! Times are ticklith !
Goldfinch. Tellee I mud have it.
Silky. Give me but good fecurity, and you know
I'm your friend.
Goldfinch. Yes ; good fecurity and fifty per cent !
Silky. Why look you there now ! For all you
know the laft annuity I had of you, I gave a full
hundred more than was offered by your friend
Aaron, the Jew !
Goldfinch. My friend ? Your friend ! You col-
logue together !
Silky. Hear you now ! For all you know I
have always been your friend ; always fupplied
you with money, have not I ? And when I faw
you running to ruin, I never told you of it, did
I ? I was willing to make all things eafy !
Goldfinch. Eafy enough ! You have pretty well
eafed me \
Silky. There is your companion, Jack Milford ;
I fhall be a heavy lofer by him !
Goldfinch. Ah ! It's all up with poor Jack ! He'*
fixed at laft !
Silky.
A COMEDY.
3t
Silky. What do you mean ?
Goldfinch. Old Dornton has fent the Nab -man
after him !
Silky. And arrefted him ?
Goldfinch. Yes, he's touched !
Silky. [Calling] Jacob ! [Enter Jacob} Run as
fad as you can to my good friend Mr. Strawmoe,
the attorney, and tell him to take out detainers for
all the debts I have bought up againft Mr. Mil-
ford ! Makehafte!
Jacob. Yes, fir. [Exit.
Goldfinch. I thought you were Jack Milford's
friend, too !
Silky.- So 'I am, Mr. Goldfinch j but I muft
provide for my family !
Goldfinch. Come, come ! The bit ! Tellee I
want the coal, directly ! Sale at Tatterfall's to-
morrow morning ! Three Pot eight O brood mares
with each an Eclipfe colt ! Would not lofe 'em for
all Lombard -ftreet ! So will you let me have the
bit ?
Silky. Dear, dear ! I tell you I can't, Mr, Gold-
finch.
Goldfinch. Then fome other Jew muft.
Silky. Jew ! Hear you ! Hear you ! This it is
to be the friend of an ungrateful fpendthrift ! Calls
me Jew ! I, who go to morning prayers every
day of my life, and three times to tabernacle on 1
Sunday !
Goldfinch. Yes ! You cheat all day, tremble all
night, and act the hypocrite the firft thing in the
morning. [Going.
Silky. Nay but ftay, Mr. Goldfinch ! Stay ! I
want to talk to you ! I have a fcheme to make
a man of you !
Goldfinch. What ? Bind me 'prentice to a
ufurer .?
Silky.
4 o THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Silky. Pfliaw ! You are in purfuit of the wido\r
Warren ?
Goldfinch. Well ?
Silky. Now what will you give me, and I'll
fecure her to you ?
Goldfinch. You?
Silky. I !
Goldfinch. Which way ?
Silky. I have a deed in my power, I won't tell
you what, but I have it, by w.iich I can make her
marry the man I pleafe, or remain a widow all her
life ; and that I am fure (lie will never do if (lie
can help it.
Goldfinch. You a deed ?
Silky. Yes, I.
Goldfinch. Shew it me !
Silky. Not for twenty thoufand pounds ! De-
pend upon me, I have it ! I tell you I'm your
friend, and you mall have Her ! That is on proper
conditions If not, Mr. Goldfinch, you (hall not
have her 1
Goldfinch. Indeed, old Judas ! Well, what are
your conditions ?
Silky. I find the late alderman died worth a
hundred and fifty thoufand pounds !
Goldfinch. Ay?
Silky. Every farthing, Mr. Goldfinch ! And
my confcience tells me that, rife and character
and all things confidered, I muft come in for my
thirds.
Goldfinch. Your confcience tells you that ?
Silky. Yes, it does, Mr. Goldfinch Fifty thou-
fand is a fair price.
Goldfinch. For the foul of a miier.
Silky. If you'll join me, fay fo.
Goldfinch. Fifty thoufand ?
A C O M E D Y. 4!
. Silky, Not a farthing lefs ! What, will there
not be a hundred thoufand remaining ?
Goldfinch, Why that's true ! It will cut a fine
dam!
Silky* To be fure it will ! Come with me ! I'll
draw up a fketch of an agreement. After which
we muft fight cunning The widow is a vain weak
woman You muft get her written promife !
Goldfinch. Written ?
Silky. Under her own hand ; with a good round
penalty in cafe of forfeiture !
Goldfinch. Well faid, old one !
Silky. Not lefs than twenty thoufand pounds !
A jury would grant half !
Goldfinch. Why you're a good one !
Silky. That would fecure fomething, and we
would fnack !
Goldfinch. Dammee you're a deep one !
Silky. Ah, ha, ha, ha ! Do you think I am,
Mr. Goldfinch ? Signed on a ftamp !
Goldfinch. You know a thing or two !
Silky. Ah, ha, ha ha ! Do you think I do, Mr.
Goldfinch?
Goldfinch. You can teach 'em to bite the
bubble !
Silky. Ah, ha, ha, ha! You joke, Mr. Gold-
finch, you joke !
Goldfinch. But the devil will have you at laft !
Silky. Lord forbid, Mr. Goldfinch! Don't ter-
rify me! I hate the devil, Mr. Goldfinch ; in-
deed I do ! I hate the name of him ! Heaven keep
me out of his fiery clinches !
Goldfinch. No : he has you fafe enough ! Bait
his trap but with a guinea, and he is fure to find
you nibbling !
Silky. Don't talk about the devil, Mr. Gold-
G finch !
4i THE ROAD TO RUIN:
finch ! Pray don't ! But think about the widow :
fecure her.
Goldfinch. I muft have the coal though this
evening ?
Silky. Don't lofe a moment, Mr. Goldfinch !
Goldfinch. Muft not lofe the Eclipfe colts !
Silly. Pmaw, Mr. Goldfinch, think Icfs of the
colts and more of the widow ! Get her promife in
black and white ! [Goldfinch going .
Goldfinch. [Tunis'] Tellee I mud have 'em !
Silky. All will then be fafe !
Goldfinch. Muft have 'em ! [Exeunt.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
ACT III.
SCENE I. Vbe Houft of the Widow WARREN,
JENNY and SOPHIA meeting.
JENNY.
OH, mifs ! I have got fomething for you !
Sophia. Something for me! What 'is it?
What is it ?
Jenny. [Ucr hand lebind her] What will you
give me ?
Scphia. Oh I'll give you [Feeling in her pccket]
La, I've got no money ! But I'll give you a kifs
and owe you llxpence.
Jenny. No. A (hilling without the kifs.
Sophia. Well, well, a (hilling,
Jenny.
A COMEDY.
43
Jenny. There then. [Giving her a fmall parcel.
Sophia. La! What is it? [Reads} * To Mifs
* Sophia Freelove.' And fuch a beautiful feal !
It's a pity to break ir. [Opening the paper} La !
Nothing but a plum-cake !
Jenny. Is that all ?
Sophia. \Confidenng\ Ecod ! Ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha! I do think As fure as fixpence it is! It
is!
Jenny. Is what ?
Sophia. Oh la, it is !
Jenny. What's the matter with the girl ?
Sophia. Ecod, Jenny, it is the mod curious
plum-cake you ever faw !
Jenny. I fee nothing curious about it !
Sophia. Oh but you mall fee ! Give me a knife I-
Oh no, that would fpoil all ! Look you, Jenny,
look ! Do but look ! [Breaks open the cake and
finds a valentine} Ha, ha, ha, ha ! I told you fo !
The fweet, dear ! [KiJJes it} Did you ever fee fuch
a plum- cake in your whole life, Jenny? And look
here ! [Opening the valentine} Oh, how beautiful !
The fhape of a honey-fwckle ! What mould
that mean ? And two doves cooing, ! But here !
Here's the writing*
The woodbine fweet and turtle dove
Are types of chafte and faithful love.
Ah ! Were fuch peace and truth but mine,
I'd gladly be your Valentine !
[Repeating} Were fuch peace and truth but mine !
La now, Mr. Dornton, you know they are yours!
Jenny. So, fo ! Mr. Dornton fends you valen-
tines, mifs?
Sophia. Oh yes, Jenny ! He is the kindeft,
fweeteft, handfomeft gentleman !
Jenny. You muft give me that valentine, mifs.
.Sophia. Give it you !
G 2. Jenny.
44 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Jenny. Yes ; that I may fhew it your mamma.
Sophia. Indeed but don't you think it ! I would
net give you this tiny bit of paper, no, not for a
diamond as big as big as the whole world !-
And if you were to tell ma', and (he were to take
it from use, I'd never love you, nor forgive you,
as long as I live !
Jenny. Oh but indeed, mifs, I'm not obliged to
keep lecrets for nothing !
Sophia. Nah, Jenny, you know I am very
good to you. And here ! Here ! Don't tell ma',
and I'll give you this filver thimble. [Exit Jenny*
Enter Widow WARREN and Mr. SULKY.
Widow. You are a very mocking perfon, Mr.
Sulky ! The wild man of the woods broke loofe !
Do return to your keeper, good Orang Outang ;
and don't go about to terrify children !
Sulky. I tell you, madam, Mr. Milford is ar-
refted .
Sophia. My brother ?
Sulky. Locked up at a bailiff's in the next
ftreet.
Sophia. Oh dear !
Widow. And pray now what is that to me ?
Sulky. Madam !
Widow. I am not arrefted.
Sulky. Would you were !
Widow. Oh the favage !
Sulky. The pitilefs only mould feel pain. The
ftony-hearted alone (hould be enclofed by walls
of ftone.
Sophia. Don't be crofs with ma', fir: I'm fure
fhe'll relcafe my brother.
Widow. You are fure, minikin !
Sopbia. Yes, ma' ; for I am fure no foul on
earth would fuffer a fellow creature to lie and
pine
A C O M E D Y. 45
pine to death, in a frightful dark dungeon, and
fed with bread and water !
Sulky. Your late hufband recommended the pay-
ment of his fon's debts.
Widow. Recommended ?
Sulky. Yes.
Widow. But leaving it to my own prudence.
Sulky. More's the pity.
Widow. Which prudence I fha!l follow.
Sulky. It will be the firft time in your life
You never yet followed prudence, you always
ran before it.
Sophia. Nay come, dear ma', I am fure you
have a pitiful heart ! I am fure you could not
reft in your bed if my poor brother was in pri-
fon!
Widow* Hold your prattle, child !
Sophia. Ah ! I'm fure you'll make him happy,
and pay his debts !
Widow. Why, Jenny ! [Calling.
Sulky. You won't'?
Widow. Jenny ! [Enter Jenny.
Scphia. La, dear fir, have patience
Sulky. You are an angel ! And you are !
[Exit,
Sophia. Nay pray, fir, do ftay ! [Exit following.
" Widow. I am glad the monfter is gone ! He is
a very intolerable perfon ! Pray, Jenny, how did
it happen that Mr. Dornton went away without
feeing me ?
Enter SERVANT and Mr. SILKY.
Servant. Mr. Silky, madam.
Widow. Leave us, Jenny. [Exit Jenny'] So,
Mr. Silky What is this very urgent bufinefs of
yours ?
Silky. [Locking round] Are we fafc, madam ?
Will
46 THE ROAD TO RUIN;
Will nobody interrupt us ; nobody over-hear
us ?
Widow. No, no But what is the meaning of
all this caution ?
Silky. [After f aft cnin<^ tks door and carefully draw-
ing the Will from Us pocket] Do you 'know this
hand-unt;-;-7, madam ?
Widow. Ah ! L i i r.iv poor old dear man's, I
fee.
Silky. You have heard of a will he left in
Fiance ?
Widow. Pfhaw! Will indeed? He left no
will !
Silky. Yes, he did, madam.
Widow. I won't believe it ! He loved me too
well to rob me of a fmgle g tinea ! Poor fitnple
foul ! I was his darling !
Silky. His darling, madam ? With your per-
miffion, I will juft read a fmgle claufe in which his
darling is mentioned ! Look, madam ; it is the
alderman's hand ! [Reads] ' But as 1 have fome-
' times painfully fufpe&ed the exceflive affection
' which my faid wife, Winifred Warren, profelied
' for me during my decline, and that the folemn
' protcftations (he made never to marry again,
' mould (he furvive me, were both clone with
* fmifter views, it is my will that, fhould (he
marry, or give a legal promife of marriage, writ-
( ten or verbal, that (lie (hall be cut off with an
' annuity of fix hundred a year ; and the refidue
< of my effects in that cafe to be equally divided
* between my natural fon, John Milford, and my
< wife's daughter, Sophia Freeiove.'
Widow. Six hundred a year ! An old dotard !
< c To imagine thai a woman of my elegant ideas
could exift on fix hundred a year!" Brute!
Monller ! I hate him now as heartily as when
7 he
A C O M E D Y. 47
he was alive ! But pray, fir, how came you by
this will ?
Silky. Why it was odd enough ! And yet eafy
enough ! My name is Silky, madam
Widow. Well?
Silky. And you know the executor's name is
Sulky
Widow. Well ?
Silky. The gentleman that delivered it only
made a miftake of a letter, and gave it to Mr.
Silky inftead of to Mr. Sulky !
Widow. And where is that gentleman ?
Silky. Ah, poor man ! He is dead !
Widow. Dead ?
Silky. And gone ! "Was taken ill the very
" night he parted from me, went to his hotel,
" was put to bed in a high fever, and carried off
" in lefs than a week."
Widow. And does Mr. Sulky know of this will
being delivered ?
Silky. Not afyllable ! It's all clofeand fmooth !
Widow. So much the better Come, give it
me, and
Silky. Excufe me there, madam ! I can't do that !
Widow. Why fo ?
Silky. - My confcience won't let me ! I muft
provide for my family !
Widow. And pray what provifion is this will to
make for your family, Mr. Silky ?
Silky. Why, Madam, I have a propofal You
know the power of your own charms !
Widow. Which I believe is more than you do,
Mr. Silky
Silky. Hah ! Don't fay fo, madam ! Don't
fay fo ! Would I were a handlbme, rich and well-
born youth ! But you know Mr. Goldfinch ?
Ah, ha, ha, ha ! I could tell you a fecret !
Widow*
48 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Widow. What, that he is dying for me, I fnp-
pofe ?
Silky. Ah ! So fmitten ! Talks of nothing
clfe !
Widow. And is that any fecret, think you ?
Silky. The alderman I find died worth more
than a plum and a half
Widow. Well ?
Silky. I have talked the matter over with my
friend, Mr. Goldfinch, and he thinks it but rea-
fonable, that for a fecret of fo much importance,
which would almoft fweep the whole away, 1 (hould
receive one third.
Widow. Fifty thoufand pounds, Mr. Silky r
Silky. I can't take lefs.
Widow. Why you are a greater rogue than even
I thought you !
Silky. Lord, madam, it's no roguery ! It's only
a knowledge of the world ! A young hufband
with a hundred thoufand pounds, or poor fix
hundred a year without any hufband !
Widow. You are a very mocking old mifer,
Mr. Siiky ! A very repulfive fort of a ptrfon !
What heart you had is turned to ftone ! You are
infenfible of the power of a pair of fine eyes ! But
I have made a conqueft that places me beycnd
your reach I mean to marry Mr. Dornton!
Silky. [Surprifed] What ! Old Mr. Dornton,
madam ?
WuUw. Old Mr. Dornton, man ? I never faw
the figure in my life ! No 1 The gay and gal-
lant young Mr. Dornton ! The pride of the city,
and the lawful monarch of my bleeding heart !
5%. Ha, ha, ha ! Young Mr. Dornton !
Widow. So you may take your will and light
your fires with it ! You will not make a penny
of it in any other way. Mr. Sulky, the executor,
is
A COMEDY. 49
i* Mr. Dornton's partner, and when I marry Mr.
Dornton he will never inflict the abfnrd penalty.
Silky. Ha, ha, ha ! No, madam ! When you
marry Mr. Dornton, that he certainly never will !
But if any accident fhould happen to prevent the
match, you will then let me hear from you ?
Widow. Lord, good man! Don't mention the
horrid idea ! Do leave me to my delightful me-
ditations ! I would indulge in fort fenfibility and
dreams of blifs ; and not be difturbed by dead
men's wills, or the fordid extortions of an avari-
cious old rogue !
Silky. Very well, madam ! The fecret for the
prefent remains between ourfelves ! You'll be
filent for your own fake ! Only remember, ha,
ha, ha ! If you mould want me, I live at Number
40. My name is on the door. Ha, ha, ha ! Mr,
Dornton ! Good morning, madam ! Mr. Dorn-
ton ! Ha, ha, ha 1 You'll fend if you mould
want me ? [Exit laughing.
Widow. Jenny ! [Calling.]
Enter JENNY.
Jenny. Ma'am !
Widow. As I was faying, Jenny, pray how did
it happen that Mr. Dornton went away without
feeing me ?
Jenny. Indeed, ma'am, I don't know.
Widow. Cruel youth !
Jenny. I'm fure, ma'am, I wonder how you can
like him better than Mr. Goldfinch !
Widow. Mr. Goldfinch is very well, Jenny
But Mr. Dornton ! Oh incomparable !
. Jenny. I am fure, ma'am, if I was a rich lady,
and a handfome lady, and a fine lady, like you,
I mould fay Mr. Goldfinch for my money !
H Widow-
$9 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Widow. Should you, Jenny ? Well, I don't
know [ Languishing. ~j
Goldfinch. [Without] Tellee I muft fee her.
Widow. As I live, here he comes ! He is fuch
a boifterous perfon ! [Goes to the glajs\ How do I
took, Jenny ? I proteft my face is of all colours !
Jenny. [Significantly after examining'] You had
netter go up to your toilette for a minute.
Widow. That fmooth-tongued old extortioner
has put me into fuch a flutter Don't let him e-o>
T
Jenny.
Jenny. Never fear, ma'am.
Widow. I'll not flay too long. [Exit.
Enter GOLDFINCH, his Clothes, Hat, and Boots dir-
tied by a Fall.
Goldfinch. Here I am All alive.
Jenny. Dear ! What's the matter ?
Goldfinch. Safe and found ! Fine kick up !
Jenny. Have you been thrown ?
Goldfinch. Pitched tive-and-twenty feet into a
ditch Soufe !
Jenny. Dear me !
Goldfinch. Pretty commence ! No matter
Limbs whole Heart found That's your fort !
Jenny. Where did it happen ?
Goldfinch. Bye road Back of Iflington Had
them tight in hand too Came to a (hort turn and
a narrow lane Up flew a damned dancing-mafter's
umbrella Bounce Oft' they went Road re-
pairing Wheelbarrow in the way Crafh Out
flew I Whiz Fire flamed Lay dunned Got
up Looked foolifh Shafts broke Snarler and
Blackguard both down Black-and-all-black pay-
ing away, pannels fmafhed, traces cut, Snarler
lamed.
Jcni-.y. Terrible !
Goldfinch.
A C O M E D Y. 51
Goldfinch. Damned mad! Curfed a few, cut
up Black- and-all-black, horfewhipped Tom, took
coach and drove here like a devil in a whirlwind !
Jenny. *Tis very well your neck's not broke !
Goldfinch. Little fliff No matter Damn all
dancing-mafters and their umbrellas !
Jenny. You had better have been here, Mr.
Goldfinch. You (land fo long, (hilly fhally, that
you'll be cut out at laft. If you had but a licence
now in your pocket, Pd undertake to have you
married in half an hour !
Goldfinch. Do you think fo ?
Jenny. Think ? I'm fure on't.
Goldfinch. Dammee, I'll poft away and get one
Muft not lofe her ; the game's up if I do !
Muft have her ! Be true to me, and I'll fecure you
the hundred ! I'll be back from the Commons in
a fmack !
Enter the Widow WARREN.
Goldfinch. Ah ! Widow ! Here am I ! [Runs up
to her, kijfcs her bolfteroujly, and dirties her clothes.']
Widow. I proteft, Mr. Goldfinch ! Was ever
the like ! [Looking at herfelf.~]
Goldfinch. Nevermind, brulh off I'm the lad!
Been to Hatchet's Befpoke the wedding- coach.
Widow. But Sir
Goldfinch. Pannels ftripe painted Hammer-
cloth fringed Green and white Curtains fef-
tooned Patent wheels Silver furniture All flafh
Light as a bandbox Trundle and fpin after
my greys like a Tandem down hill Pafs Shew
'em the road Whurr Whizz-gig ! That's your
fort !
Widow. It will be fuperb !
Goldfinch. Superb.? \Wlth contempt'] Tellee it
will be the thing ! The go the flare the gape
H 2 th
$2 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
the gaze ! The rich widow and the tight one !
There they go ! Away they bowl ! That's
yout fort !
Widow. " You have a tafte for thefe things,
"Mr. Goldfinch!"
Goldfinch. " Tafte ! Believe I have Who
"more ? Phaetons and Curricles, Parks and
<c Pleafure-grounds Up hill and down High-
<e ways and bye-ways*' I'm the boy that (hall
drive you !
Widow. Pardon me, Mr. Goldfinch ; if a cer-
tain event were by the wife difpofition of Provi-
dence to take place, I mould think proper to
drive.
Goldfinch. You drive ! If you do, damn me !
Widow. Sir !
Goldfinch. I'm chriftened and called Charles
Charles Goldfinch The knowing Lad that's not
to be had Winter and Summer Fair weather
and foul Low ruts or no ruts Never take a falfe
quarter No, no, Widow I drive Hayait !
Ah ! Ah ! Get on ! St St Touch White-
foot in the flank Tickle Snarler in the ear Cut
up the Yelper Take out a fly's eye Smack,
crack That's your fort \
Widow. I allure you, Mr. Goldfinch, yon en-
tertain very improper fuppofitions concerning
Goldfinch. Go for the licence [Going]
Widow. Nay but iurely, Mr.
Goldfinch. Go for the licence Refolved Tak-
en it here. [Pointing to his forehead']
Widow. If retrofped and and affedion thre\v
no other obftacles in the way Yet the the W r orld
Prudence.
Gtldfincb. The World \ Prudence! Damn the
World Damn Prudence.
Widow. Oh but, fir
Goldfnck.
ACOMEDY. 53
Goldfinch. The world nor nobody elfe has no-
thing to do with neither your prudence nor mine
We'll be married immediately
Widow. Immediately, Mr. Goldfinch ! I .
[Undecided]
Goldfinch. What, you won't ?
Widow. Nay, Mr. Goldfinch I do not ab-
folutely renunciate But I with
Goldfinch. It was over Know you do Go for
the licence
Widow. Pray Dear Mr. Goldfinch
Goldfinch. Go for the licence, I tellee.
Widow. Only a word
Goldfinch. To the wife I'm he- Go for the
licence That's your fort ! [Exit.
Widow. Mr. Goldfinch ! I declare
[Exit following*
SCENE changes to the Houfe of DOR N TON.
Mr. DOR N TON and Mr. SMITH.
Dornton. Still the fame hurry, the fame crowd,
Mr. Smith ?
Mr. Smith, Much the fame, ft'r : the houfe ne-
ver experienced a day like this ! Mr. Sulky thinks
we (hall never get through.
Dornton. Is Milford taken ?
Mr. Smith. Yes, fir.
Dornton. Unprincipled prodigal ! My fon owes
his ruin to him alone. But he fhall fuffer !
Mr. Smith. My young mailer's tradefmen are
waiting.
Dornton. Bid them come in. [Exit Mr. Smith]
All my own fault, my own fond folly ! Denied
him nothing, encouraged him to fpend j and no\v
" the unnatural father can coolly think of turning
" him on the wide pitilefs world ; there to ftarve,
" pine
54 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
" pine in a prifon, rot in dungeons, among agues,
" rheums and loathfomenefs !"
Re -enter Mr. SMITH followed by Tradejmen.
Mr. Smith. This way, gentlemen !
Dornton. Zounds ! What an army ! A vile
thoughtlefs profligate ! " Yes, yes, mifery be
<l his portion \ he merits it J"
Enter Servant.
Servant. [To Mr. Dornton'] You are wanted in
the counting-houfe, fir.
Dornton. Very well. I'll be with you in a mo-
ment, gentlemen Abandoned fpendthrift !
[Exit followed by Mr. Smith.
Fir/} T. I don't like all this ! What does it mean ?
Second T. Danger !
Third T. He has been a good cuftomer None
of your pundual paymasters, that look over their
accounts.
Firft T. Oh, a different thing ! Nothing to be
got by them Always take care to affront them.
Second T. Perhaps it is a trick of the old gentle-
man, to infpedt into our charges.
Third?. I don't like that Rather hear of any
tax than of" taxing my bill.
Firft T. Humph ! Tradefmen begin to under-
ft'and thefe things, and allow a reasonable profit !
Second T. Can't have lefs than fifty per cent,
for retail credit trade !
Third T. To be fure not ; if a man would live
in ftyle, and fave a fortune as he ought.
Firft T. Hum ! Mind All devilifla hard run !
Qmnes. Certainly !
Firft T. Not a guinea in the houfe ! To-mor-
r&w's Saturday Hem !
Re-enter
A C O M E D Y. 5S
Re-enter Mr. DORNTON.
Dornton. Your fervanr, gentlemen, your fer-
vant. Pray how happens it that you bring your
accounts in here ?
Firft y. We received notice, fir.
Dornton. You have none of you any demands
upon me ?
Firft T. Happy to ferve you, fir.
Second T. We fhall all be glad of your cuftom, fir.
Omrres. All, all !
Dornton. And do you come expecting to be
paid ?
Firft T'. Money, fir, is always agreeable !
Second T. Tradefmen find it a fcatce commo-
dity !
'Third 7*. Bills come round quick !
Fourth T. Workmen muft eat !
Second 7*. For my part, I always give a gentle-
man, who is a genrleman, his own time.
Dornton. I underftand you ! And what are you,
fir, who feem to (land apart from the reft ?
Hofier. A hofier, fir. I am unworthy the com-
pany of thefe honeft gentlemen, who live in ftyle.
I never affront a punctual paymafter, not I : and,
what they will think ftrange, I get more by thofe
who do look over their bills, than thofe who do
not !
Firft r. Humph ! ]
' Second T. Blab ! \ [Afide.
Third*. Shab! J
Dornton. And what may be the amount of your
bill, fir ?
Hofier. A trifle, for which I have no right to afk.
Dornton. No right ! What do you mean ?
Hofier. Your fon, fir, made me what I am ;
redeemed me and my family from ruin ; and it
would be an ill requital of his goodnefs to come
here,
5 6r THEROAD TORUIN:
here, like a dun, at fuch a time as this ; when I
would rather, if that could help him, give him
every (hilling 1 have in the world.
Dornton. Would you ? Would you ? \Greatly
offered] You look like an honeft man ! But
what do you do here then ?
Hofier. Mr. Dornton, fir, knew I fhould be
unwilling to come, and fent me word he would
never fpeak to me more if I did not; and, rather
than offend him, I would even come here on a
bufinefs like this.
Dornton. [Shakes him by the band] You are an
honeft fellow ! An unaccountable ! And fo Harry
has been your friend ?
Hofier. Yes, fir; a liberal-minded friend; for
he lent me money, though I was fincere enough
to tell him of his faults.
Dornton. Zounds, fir ! How came you to be a
\veaverofftockings ?
Hofier. I don't know, fir, how I came to be at
all ; I only know that here I am.
Dornton. A philofopher !
Hofier. I am not fond of titles, fir I'm a man.
Dornton. Why is it not a (harne, now, that the
foul of Socrates fhould have crept and hid itfelf in
the body of a (locking- weaver ? Give me your bill !
Hcfier. Excufe me, fir.
Dornton. Give me your bill, I tell you ! I'll
pay this bill myfelf.
Hofier. I cannot, mud not, fir.
Dornton. Sir, linfifton [Enter HARRY DORN-
TON] So, fir! \_Turning angrily round! Why have
YOU iiflembled thelc people into whofe debt you
have difhoneftly run, wanting the power to pay;
and who have as dilhoneftly trufted you, hoping
to profit exorbitantly by your extravagance ?
. Harry. Oh, fir, you don't know them ! They
6 are
A C O M E D Y. 57
are very complaifant, indulgent kind of people.
Are not you, gentlemen ?
Firfi T. Certainly, fir.
Omnes. Certainly.
Harry. Be kind enough to wait a few minutes
without, my very good friends. [Exeunt Trade/men.]
Mr. Williams ['Takes his hand]
Hofter. Sir [Exit.
Dornton. How dare you introduce this (warm
of locufts here ? How dare you ?
Harry, [With continued good humour] Defpair, fir,
is adauntlefs hero.
Dornton. Have you the effrontery to fuppofe
that I can or mall pay them ? What is it you
mean ?
Harry. To let you fee I have creditors.
Dornton. Cheats ! Bloodfuckers !
Harry. Some of them : but that is my fault
They muft be paid.
Dornton. Paid !
Harry. The innocent muft not fuffer for the
guilty.
Dornton. You will die in an alms-houfe !
Harry. May be fo ; but the orphan's and the
widow's curie (hall not meet me there !
Dornton. Harry ! Zounds ! [Checking his fond-
fiefs'] Paid ! Whom do you mean to rob ?
Harry. My name is Dornton, fir.
Dornton. Are you not ? [Wanting words. ~]
Harry. Yes, fir.
Dornton. Quit the room ! Begone !
Harry. You are the beft of men, fir, and I !
But I hate whining. Repentance is a pitiful fcoun-
drel, that never brought back a fingle yefterday.
Amendment is a fellow of more mettle But it is
too late Suffer I ought, and fuffer I muft My
I debts
58 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
debts of honour difcharged, do not let my tradef-
men go unpaid.
Dornton. You have ruined me !
Harry. The whole is but five thoufand pounds !
Dorntcn. But ?- The counter is loaded with the
deftrudlion you have brought upon us all !
Harry. No, no I have been a fad fellow, but
not even my extravagance can fhake this houfe.
Enter Mr. SMITH, in confternatlcn.
Mr. Smith. Bills are pouring in fo faft upon us
we (hall never get through !
Harry. [Struck] What ! What is that you fay ?
Mr. Smith. We have paid our light gold fo
often over that the people are very furly !
Dornton. Pay it no more! Sell it inftantly for
what it is worth, difburfe the lad guinea, and (hut
up the doors !
Harry. [^Taking Mr. Smith ajiae] Are you ferious ?
Mr. Smith. Sir !
. Harry. [Impatiently."] Are you ferious, I fay ?
Is it not fome trick to impofe upon me ?
Mr. Smith. Look into the mop, fir, and con-
vince yourfelf ! If we have not a fupply in half
an hour we mud flop ! [Exit.
Harry. {Wildly} Tol de rol My father ! Sir!
[Turning away"] Is it poffible ? Difgraced r-
Ruined ? In reality ruined ? By me? Are thefe
things fo ? Tol de rol
Dcrnton. Harry ! How you look ! You frighten
me !
Harry. [Starting] It mail be done !
.Dcrnton. What do you mean ? Calm yourfelf,
Harry !
Harry. Ay ! By heaven !
Dornton. Hear me, Harry !
Harry. This inftant ! [Going]
Dornton*
A C O M E D Y. 59
Dornton. {Calling] Harry!
Harry. Don't droop ! [Returning^ Don't de-
fpair ! I'll find relief [slfide] Firft to my friend-
He cannot fail? But if he mould ! Why ay, then
to Megsera ! I will marry her, in fuch a caufe,
were fhe fifty widows, and fifty furies !
Dornton. Calm yourfelf, Harry !
Harry. I am calm ! Very calm ! It (hall be
done ! Don't be dejected You are my father
You were the firft of men in the firft of cities
Revtred by the good and refpected by the great
You flourifhed profperoufly ! But you had a
fon ! I remember it !
Dornton. Why do you roll your eyes, Harry ?
Harry. I won't be long away !
Dornton. Stay where you are s Harry ! [Catching
his hand~\ All will be well ! I am very happy !
Do not leave me! I am very happy ! Indeed I
am, Harry ! Very happy !
Harry. Tol de rol Heaven blefs you, fir !
You are a worthy gentleman ! I'll not be long !
Dornton. Hear me, Harry ! I am very happy !
Enter a Clerk.
Clerk. Mr. Smith, fir, defires to know whether
we may fend to the Bank for a thoufand pounds
worth of filver.
Harry. \_Furioujly\ No, fcoundrel !
\_Ereaks away and Exit.
Dornton. [Calling and almoft fobbing] Harry!
Harry ! I am very happy ! Harry Dornton !
\ln a kind of Jlupor] 1 am very happy ! Very
happy ! [Exit following,
SCENE changes to the Houje of Mr. SILKY.
Mr. SILKY and JACOB.
Silky. Mr. Goldfinch not called yet, Jacob ?
I z Jacalf f
60 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Jacob. No, fir.
Silky. Nor any meflage from the widow ?
Jacob. No, fir. [Knocking beard.]
Silky. See who knocks, Jacob ! [Exit Jacob] I
dare fay it is one or t'other ! They muft come to
me at lafl !
Enter HARRY DORNTON in wild hafte> following
JACOB.
Harry. [Entering] Are you fure he is at home ?
Jacob. He is here, fir. [Exit.
Harry. Mr. Silky ! [Panting.~]
Silky. Ah ! My dear Mr. Dornton, how do
you do ? I hope you are very well ! I am ex-
ceedingly glad to fee you ! This call is fo kind,
fo condelcending ! It gives me infinite pleafure !
Harry. Mr. Silky, you muft inftamly grant me
a favour !
Silky. A favour ! What is it ? How can I
ferve you ? I would run to the world's end.
Harry. You muft exert your whole friendfhip !
Silky. Friendfhip, fir ? Say duty ! 'Twas you
that made a man of me ! I mould have been
ruined, in the Bench, 1 know not where or what,
had you not come forward and fupported me at
the critical moment ! And now I can defy the
world !
Harry. \Impatiently~] Hear me ! I know you
can.
Silky. Oh yes ! The fum you lent me, a
lucky fpeculation, five years of continual good for-
tune, and other little lifts have made me ! I
won't fay what But, your father and perhaps ano-
ther or two excepted, I fay perhaps, I'll (hew my
head with the proudeft of 'em.
Harry. Why then I am a fortunate man !
Silky. To be fure you are ! How can I ferve
yew ? What can I do ? Make me happy !
Harry.
A C O M E D V. ei
Harry. You can refcue me from phrenfy !
Silky. Can I ?-! am proud ! Infinitely happy!
What ? How ? I am a lucky fellow ! Tell
me which way ? Where can I run ? What can I
do?
Harry. [Dreading] The requeft is ferious
trying !
Silky. So much the better ! So much the bet-
ter ! Whom would I ferve, if not you ? You !
The fon of the firft man in the city !
Harry. [Wildly] You miaake !
Silky. I don't ! You are, you are ! Dornton
and Co. may challenge the world, the houfe c/
Hope perhaps excepted !
Harry. Woefully miftake !
Silky. Pooh !
Harry. Our houfe is in danger of flopping
payment !
Silky. Sir ? Stop payment !
Harry. My follies are the caufe !
Silky. Stop payment ?
Harry. I have not been ufed to afk favours
but
Silky. Stop payment !
Harry. Scorn me, curfe me, fpurn me, but fave
my father !
Silky. Stop payment ?
Harry. What means this alteration in your
countenance ?
Silky. Oh dear, no ! Ha, ha, ha ! Not in the
lead ! Ha, ha, ha, I affure you, I, I, 1
Harry. I have told you our fuuation. Yourfelf
and two other friends muft jointly fupport my
father, by your credit, to the amount of tifty thou-
fand pounds Mark me ! Muft !
Silky. Fifty thoufand pounds, Mr. LV.aton!
Fifty thoufand pounds! Are you d.r.v.nng?
Me?
6i THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Me ? Fifty thoufand pounds f Me ? Or half
the fum ? Or a fifth of the fum ? Me !
Harry. Prevaricating fcound ! Hear me-,
fir!
Silky. [In fear] Yes, fir !
Harry. 1 muft be calm [Burfting out\ Are
you not a ! I fay Sir You have yourfelf in-
formed me of your ability, and I muft infift, ob-
ferve, fir ! I infift on your immediate performance
of this act of duty !
Silly. Duty, and fifty thoufand pounds ! Are
you mad, Mr. Dornton ? Are you mad ? Or
do you think me mad ?
Harry. I think you the bafeft of wretches !
Silky. Nay, Mr. Dornton, I would do any
thing to ferve you ! Any thing, I proteft to Hea-
ven ! Would go anywhere, run
Harry. Of my errands, wipe my (hoes ! Any
dirty menial office that coft you nothing And
this you call (hewing your gratitude ?
Silky. Is it not, Mr. Dornton ?
Harry. [His anger rifing] And will you give
no help to the houfe ?
Silly. Nay, Mr. Dornton !
Harry. After the favours you have been for
years receiving, the profemons you have been
daily making, and the wealth you have by thefe
means been hourly acquiring ! Will you not,
fir?
Silky. [Retreating] Nay, Mr, Dornton !
Harry. Will you not, fir ?
Silky. Don't hurt a poor old man ! I can't !
Harry. [Seizing, Jhaking him t and throwing him
from him] Scoundrel ! [Exit.
Silky. Blefs my heart ! Stop payment ? The
houfe of Dornton ! Fifty thoufand pounds ? I
declare I am all of a tremble ! James ! William !
4 Enter
A C O M E D Y. 63
Enter two Clerks.
Have we any bills on the houfe of Dornton ?
Fir/1 Clerk. I have juft been examining the
books, fir. We have bills to the amount of
Silky. How much ? How much ? A thoufand
pounds ?
Firft Clerk. Three, fir.
Silky. Three ! Three thoufand > Blefs my
heart !
Firft Clerk. We heard the news the very mo-
ment after young Mr. Dornton came in !
Silky. Run, pay the bills away !
Firft Clerk. Where, fir ?
Silky. Any where ! Any body will take 'em!
Run with them to my dear friend, Mr. Smallware;
it is too far for him to have heard of the crafh.
Begone ! Don't leave him ! Give my very beft
refpe&s to him ! He will oblige me infinitely !
Fly ! [Exit Firft Clerk.] And go you, James,
to the clearing houfe, and get it whifpered among
the clerks. Then, if there are any of Dornton's
bills to be bought at fifty per cent, difcount, let me
know. I will buy up all I can [Exit Clerk] It's
a fafe fpeculation : I know the houfe : there muft
be a good round dividend. [Exit.
END OF THE THIRD ACT,
ACT
$4 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
ACT IV.
SCENE I. The Houfe of the Widow WARREN.
Enter JENNY followed by H A R R Y DOR NTON, who
with an opprejfed heart, but half drunk with wine
and paj/ion, affumss the appearance of wild and
fxcejtve gaiety.
HARRY.
A WAY, Handmaid of Hecate ! Fly !
/"X Jenny. Lord, iir, you don't mean as you
Sy i
Harry. Will you begone, Cerberea ? Invite my
Goddefs to defcend in a golden fliovver, and fud-
denly relieve thefe racking doubts.
Jenny. " Goddefs ! I knew you meant mifs
" Sophy !
Harry. " Prime tormentrix to the Furies, be-
" gone !
Jenny. " What, fir, to my old Miftrefs ?
Harry. " Hear you ? Yes ! I want an old
" Miftrefs, with her old gold, inftantly to relieve
'* an injured old man -Tol de rol Vanifh,
* 4 daughter of Nox ! Tell her what a gay and
O o 7
<( love-fick humour 1 am in Tol de rol."
Enter WIDOW, and Exit JENNY di/atisfed.
Widow. [Smiling] Mr. Dornton !
Harry. Widow ! Here am I ! Phaeton the
fecond hurled from my flaming car ! I come
burning with fierce defires, devoutly bent on com-
mitting the deadly fin of matrimony ! May thefe
things be ? Speak, my faving Angel !
Widow. " Fie upon you ! How can you throw
"one
A C O M E D Y. 65
" one into fuch an infuperable trepidation of
*< fpirits ?
Harry. " Will you have me ? Pronounce but
" theblefled Yes, and I am thine for ever and for aye.
IVtdow. <( Dear Mr. Dornton ! You I
Harry. " Ay, ay I know very well The for-
" mal No, the crimfon blum, the half-confenting
(e fide-glance, the hefitating Yes, the palpitation
" violent We'll fuppofe them all There, there !
" I have afted them over, and the parfon's
" tragical farce is going to begin !"
Widow. Nay, but ! Dear Mr. Dornton !
Harry. Do not imagine, amiable widow, that
I am mad ! No, no, no ! [With a byfleric laugh']
Only a little flighty Left my father furioufly,
drank three bottles of Burgundy franticly, flew in
amorous phrenfy to the attack, and will carry the
place or die on the fpot ! Powder and poifon
await my choice ; and let me tell you, fweet wi-
dow, I am a man of my word. So you'll have
me, won't you ?
Widow. Oh, Mr. Dornton !
Harry. Why you would not fee my father
perifh ! Would you ? And me expire ! Would you ?
Widow. Am I fo very cruel ?
Harry. Then fay Yes ! Yes or Piftols Dag-
gers Cannon balls !
Widow. Yes, fir, yes, yes !
Harry. Hold, fair widow ! Kind widow, hold !
Be not rath ! I am the verieft villain ! Avoid
me ! A ruined ! But that were indeed a trifle
My father ! Him ! Him have I ruined ! Heard
you that ? Bring forth your hoards ! Let him
once more be himfelf, and bid me kifs the dud !
Widow. [Afide] " Elegant youth ! [Aloud'} Ah
" you flatterer ! I own you have been a little
" wild, but
K Harry.
66 THE ROAD TO RUIN.
rt
Harry.- A little! Oh ! Ha, ha, ha ! Widow >
I am a fad fellow ! -A damned fad dog ! 1
" tell you I have ruined my father A prince of
" fathers'! Who, had I not been a rafcal, would
" have given me his foul ! And I have ruined
"him! Ruined him! Beware of me ! Fly
ff me ! Yet mould you ? Rife Imps of night !
" Deep have I fworn to find fome means to lave
" a father from deftruction, and I will keep my
" oath though !"
Widow. Oh fie ! How can you terrify one
fo?
Harry. And wilt thou, widow, be his fupport ?
[Eagerly'] Wilt thou ?
Widow, Cruel queftion ! How can I deny ?
Harry. Immortal bleffings be upon thee ! My
father !
Widbiy. Will be all rapture to hear !
' Harry. Will he ? Words of comfort ! Witt
" he ? A buxom, fair and bounteous dame, whofe
" treafures - can reftore his tottering fortunes to
" their wonted fplendour ! Ha ! Will he ? Will
" he ?
Widoiv. " Certainly, Mr. Dornton, he cannot
ec be difpkafed at fuch a choice."
Harry. [Shakes bis head] Ah, ha, ha, ha!
[Sigbs] You don't know my father ! A flrange,
a.Tcaionate ! That loves me! Oh! He *
And you fee. how I uie him! You fee how I ufe
him ! But no matter Tol de rol We'll be
married to-nSght
Widow. Oh fie !
Harry. Ay, my Mad on i ! Tonight's the day
The (boner the better 'Tis to refcue a father,
blithfome widow ! A father! To fave him have I
fallen in love Remember Sin with open eyes y
\vidow Money I muft have money Early in
the
A C O M E D Y. 67
the morn, ere counters echo with the ring of
gold, fifty thoufand mutt be raifed!
Widow* It (hall, Mr. Dornton.
Harry. Why, (hail it ? Shall it ? Speak again,
beatific vifion 9 fpeak ! Shall it?
Widow. Dear Mr. Dornton, it (hall.
Harry. Tol de rol " He (hall live! He (hall
cc fmile ! Again his heart (hall feel joy ! Oh my
<e bland and bonny widow j [Partly Jinging] My
" widow fair and debonair Keep thy word Let
*' but my father be himfelf, and I am thine I
" Body and foul thine }
Widow. " And are you really - ? Oh, no ! No
f Coquet ti/hly~\ You are not in love ?
Harry. " Fathom and half, poor Tom!*'
<f And we'll love by day, and we'll live by night
[Singing andfighing.
" With a hey and a ho and a heigho, widow 1
" I have drunk Burgundy To your health,
** aufpicious Amazon ! Burgundy!
" For I wanted the grace [Sings.
" Of a bold villain's face,
" To prevail, with heigho,
" On a buxom widow. [Ki/es her.
Widow. " [Coquetting'] Fie ! T (hall hate you?
" if you are fo fond of me ! I fhail indeed ! But
no You are man ! Roving, faithlefs man !
Harry. " No, no ! Fear not ! Thou, gracious'
" widow, art my overflowing cup of confolation
" What ! A father faved ?" Remember ^
Fifty thoufand the firft thing in the morning ?
Widow. And would not a part this evening 5
[Still coquetting.
Harrv. [Suddenly'] What fayed ' thou ? Oh,
no !_Whoo! Thoufands-
K 2 Widow.
68 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Widow. f( No : you are a naughty bad man,
" and I don't love you : I don't indeed Elfe" I
have a trifling fum.
Harry. [Eagerly] How much ?
Widow. Six thoufand
Harry. Six ?
Widow. Which! meant to havedifpofed of, but
Harry. No, no ! I'll difpo/e of it, dear widow !
[Kiffes her~] I'll difpofe of it in a twinkling!
[Elated] Thou art my Goddefs ! [Kiffes her
" again] By the/faith of my body but I will thank
" thee Yea thee will love exceedingly !
Widow. "Oh fie! No, you won't! Will
" you ? [Languijbingty.
Harry. "Will I? [Sighs] Shall I not be in
" duty bound ?
Widow. "No ! You can't love me. [More fondly .
Harry. " Ha, ha, ha ! My fair Pelican of
"Potofi! Queen of Pactolus !" Doubt not my
gratitude Let this and this [Kiffing.
Widow. Fie ! You are a fad man But I'll bring
you a draft !
Harry. Do, my blooming widow ! Emprefs of
the golden Hies, do
Widow. I tell you, yon are a very bad man !
But, remember, this trifle is for your own ufe.
Harry. No, my pearl unparalleled ! My fa-
ther's ! " My father's! My pocket is an infidi-
" ous gulf, into which I never more will guineas
' caft." Save but my father, and I will kifs the
ground on which thou treadeft, and live and
breathe but on thy bounty ! [Self indignation.']
[Exit Widow.
At leaft till time and fate mall means afford
Somewhat to perform, worthy of man and me.
Enter JENNY, peeping.
J:nny. St !
Harry.
A C O M E D Y. 69
Harry. Ah, ha ! My merry maid of May !
Jenny. I flippofe you are waiting to fee mifs
Sophy, now you have got rid of the old lady ?
Harry. Got rid of the old lady ? " Thou
" brazen pin-placer! Thou virgin of nine-and-
" twenty years occupation !" No. " I have not
" got rid of the old lady !" The old lady is to
be my blooming, youthful bride ! And I, happy
youth, am written and deftined in the records of
eternity her other half! " Before the ftars were
this marriage was decreed ! " Heigho !
Jenny. Lord, fir, what rapturation ! But ftay a
little, and I'll tell mifs Sophy her mamma wants
her, here; fo then Hum ! [Jenny retires, making
afign, and
Re-enter the Widow WARREN.
Widow. " A n't you a fad man ?" Here's the
draft.
Harry. Thanks, my Sultana! " Thou (halt
" find me very grateful Thou haft bought and
" paid for me, and I am thine ! By fair and honeft
"traffic thine!'* This halcyon night the prieft,
pronouncing conjurations dire
Widow. Fie ! I won't look at you !
Harry. Ay, to-night we'll marry; fhall we not?
Widow. I'll not anfwer you a word ! [Enter
Sophia ftippingly, but flops jhort ] " You are a
" dangerous man!" [Sifting flown and coquetting]
How dare you talk to me of to-night ?
Harry. To-night (hall be a night of wonder !
And we'll love like [Afide] like Darby and Joan !
Widow. [Languijhingly~\ I fhall hate you into-
lerably ! [Sophia advancing on tip-toe.
Harry. Hey for the parfon's permiflion ! Hay,
my fublime widow !
Widow. To fteal thus upon one at an unguarded
moment !
Harry.
75 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Harry. But here firft let me kneel, and thus to
Ceres pay [Going to kifs her hand in rapture, meets
the eye of Sophia . ]
Widow. fi I'll never forgive you! I hate you
<c now worfe than ever."
Sophia. ( Coming between them with burfting trepi-
dation, taking the valentine from her bofcm and pre-
Jenting */] There, fir !
Widow. Ah !
Sophia. There, fir ! Oh pray, fir, take it, fir ?
Widow. Why, minikin !
Sophia. I requeft, fir ! I defire, fir !
Harry. [Declining it~\ Tol de rol
Sophia. ['Tearing the paper piecemeal, and throw-
ing it Jpitefuily away] Why then there, fir and
there, fir and there, there, there, there, fir !
Widow. Poor minikin! I declare, (he is jealous!
Styhia. [Her Jobs rifmg] And I'll I'll
Wri-i-i-ite 10 my to -my grandma-a-a-a di-
rectly
. V/idov. Fie, child!
Sophia. And I'll go do-o-o-own into Glo-o-o-
' oftermire
Widow. Go up to your Chamber, child !
Sophia. And I'll tell my grandma-a what a falfe,
bale, bad man you are ; and (he (hall ha-ate you,
and defpife you ; " and every body (hall ha-ate
" you, and defpife you ;" and I'll ha-a-ate you,
and defpile you myfdi !
Widow. Poor thing !
Sophia. And moreover I'll hate and defpife all
mankind ! And for your fake [With great energy \
I'll live and die a maid I
Widow. Yes, child, that I dare be (worn you will I
Harry. Widow! I'm a fad fellow ! Don't have
me I'm a vile fellow ! Sophy! You are right to
defpife me ! I am going to marry your mother !
5 Sophia.
A C O M V Y. 71
Sophia. I'll go down into Glo-o-ofterfliire 1
wo-on't live in fuch a falfe-hearted city ! And you
ought to be amamed of yourfelf, ma', to make
yourfelf fo ridiculous !
Harry. No, no, fweet Sylph, it is .my fault !
All my fault !
Widow. [Enraged] Be gone, mifs !
Harry. [Interpofmg~] Sweet widow ! Gentle wi-
dow ! I've fold myielf, Sophy ! Six thoufand
pounds is the earneft money paid down, for the
reptile Harry Dornton ! I love you, Sophy !
Widow. How, Mr. Dornton ?
Harry. I do, by Heaven ! Take back your
money, widow ! [Offering the dmft~\ I'm a fad
fcoundrel !
Sophia. You are a bafe faithlefs man, you know
you are ! And you are a pitilefs woman, a merci-
lefs woman, for all you are my own mother, tp let
my poor brother Milford go to be flarved to death
in a dark dungeon !
Harry. Milford in prifon ?
Sophia'. Yes, fir ; arrefted by your cruel, old,
tigly father ! I'm fure he is ugly! Though I never
faw him in my life, Fm^fure he is an ugly,, hide-
ous, ugly monfter ! [Exit.
Harry. Is this true, widow ?
Widow. [Stammering] Sir
Harry. [Agitated'] Arrefted by my father ?
Squandering her money on a ruined reprobate,
and won't releafe her hufband's fon ?
Widow. Nay but, dear Mr. Dornton !
Harry. I'll be with you again prefently, widow;
prefently, prefently. [Exit.
Widow. [Speaking after him] " To-night, you
" know, Mr. Dornton-?"
Enter
7* THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Enter JENNY.
Jenny. Mr. Goldfinch is coming up, ma'am.
Widow. I have no time to wafte with Mr.
Goldfinch. I'll prefently fend him about his bufi-
nefs. Mr. Dornton talks I don't know how,
Jenny Says it muft be to-night.
Enter GOLDFINCH.
Goldfinch. Well, widow ?
Widow. Not fo free, fir ! [Walks up the ft age
diJdainfuHy~\
Jenny. \dfide to Goldfinch] Have yon got the
licence ?
Goldfinch. No.
Jenny. No !
Goldfinch. No Been to Tatterfall's.
Jenny. And not for the licence \
Goldfinch. Telleel've been to Tatterfall's !
Jenny. Ah ! It's all over I'
Goldfinch. Made fure of the Eclipfe colts!
Mud not lofe 'em !
Jenny. \Afide. ~\ Stupid booby !
Widow. [Advancing] What is your prefent bu-
finefs, fir ?
Goldfinch. My bufinefs ? Ha, ha, ha ! That's a
good one ! I'll tell you my bufinefs [Approach-
ing with open arms']
Widow. [^Haughtily'] Keep your diflance, fir'
Goldfinch. Diflance, widow ? No ; that's not the
way. I mould be double diftanced if I did.
Widow. Were you indeed a man of deportment
and breeding !
Goldfinch. Breeding ? Look at my fpurs !
Widow. Had you the manner, the fpirit, the !
But no You are no gentleman
Goldfinch.
A COMEDY.
73
Goldfinch. Whew ! No gentleman ? {Claps on
bis hat and takes a lounging impudent fwagger~\ Dam-
mee that's a good one ! Charles Goldfinch no
gentleman? Afk in the box^-lobby ! Enquire at
the fchool ! [In a boxing attitude.~\
Widow. Sir, you are a tedious perfon : your
company is troublefome !
Goldfinch. Turf or turnpike, keep the bed of
cattle Walk, trot or gallop Run, amble orcanter
Laugh at every thing on the road Give 'em
all the go-by Beat the trotting butcher ! Gen-
tleman? That's your fort !
Jenny. \_Afide to Goldfinch. ~\ Follow me. [Exit.
Widow. I beg, fir, I may not be intruded upon
with you or your horfe-jockey jargon any more.
[Exit.
Goldfinch. Here's a kick up. " What's all this ?
" Mud have her or fmafh ! Smirker [Pointing
' c after Jenny~\ will tell me what it means Smart
" thing for a light weight. Spirit, fhape, and
" form Carry a fine neck in a running martingale
" Shews blood W T in all the give and takes >
'* Take her into training Match her the Abing-
" don mile againft all England That's your
"fort!" [Exit.
SCENE changes to an Apartment at the Houje of a
Sheriffs Officer.
Enter HARRY DOR N TON in the fame hurry and
Officer.
Harry. Difpatch, man ! Difpatch ! Tell Jack
Milford I can't wait a moment ! Hold Write
an acquittal inftantly for the thoufand pounds.
But fay not a word to him of my intention !
Officer. A thoufand, fir ? It is almoft five thou-
fand!
l< ffany.
74 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Harry. Impoflible !
Officer. There are detainders already lodged to
that amount.
Harry. Five thoufand ?
Officer. Muft I write the acquittal for the Turn
total ?
Harry. No Yes, write it however. Have it
ready. Early to-morrow morning it (hall all be
paid.
Officer. In the mean time there may be more
detainders.
Harry. Damnation ! What (hall I do ? Run,
fend him ! And do you hear, a bottle of Cham-
paign and two rummers! Rummers! Mind!
Not a word to him ! [Exit Officer] Five thoufand ?
And more detainders.!
Enter WAITER with bottle and glajfcs, and MIL-
FORD following.
Milford. Mr. Dornton !
Harry. How now, Jack ! What's your won-
der ? I can't flay a moment with you, but I could
not pafs without giving you a call. Your hand,
my boy ! Cheer up !
Milford. Excufe me, fir!
Harry. Why, Jack ! " Pflhaw ! Caft away this
" gloom and be Honed Jack Milford ! You are
" now in tribulation ; what of that ? Why, man,
" the bleifed fun himfelf is fometimes under a
(f cloud ! Wait but till tomorrow" Where is
this wine ? [Fills the rummer^\ Come, drink, and
warn away grief! 'Sbiood, never look frofty and
afkaunce, man, but drink, drink, drink !
Milford. [Abruptly'] Sir ? I am not difpofed to
drink !
Harry. " Why what a tabernacle phrafe is
that!"
A C O M E D Y. 75
that !" Here's confufion to all forrow and think-
ing ! I could a tale unfold ! But I won't afflict
you " I mi.ft fly Yet I can do no good to-
-night " Hurrah, Jack ! Keep up your fpirits !
Be determined) like me ! I am the vileft of ani-
mals that crawl the earth Yet I won't flag ! I'll
die a bold-faced villain ! I have fold myfelf
Am difinherited Have loft Ah, Sophia ! Hur-
rah, Jack! Keep it up]->-Round let the great
globe whirl ; and whirl it will, though I mould
happen to Hide from its furface into infinite no-
thingnefs Drink, my noble foul !
Milford. Your mirth is impertinent, fir !
Harry. So it is, Jack Damned impertinent !
But ruin is around us, and it is high time to be
merry !
Milford. Sir ? I muft inform you that, though
I have been betrayed by you and imprifoned by
your father, I will not be infulted !
Harry. Betrayed by me ?
Milford. Ay, fir ! I have had full information of
your mean arts ! It was neceffary I (hould be out
of the way, that your defigns on Mrs. Warren
might meet no interruption !
Harry. Pfhaw ! Good day, Jack, good day !
Milford. And pray, fir, inform your father I
defpife his meannefs, and fpurn at his malice!
Harry. [Suddenly returning and darting on him, but
ftvpping Jhort] Jack Milford ! Utter no blafphemy
againft my father ! I am half mad ! I caint,
your friend
Milford. I defpife your friendmip !
Harry. That as you pleafe Think all that is
vile of me I defy you to exceed the truth But
utter not a word againft my father !
Milford. Deliberately, pitifully malignant !
Not fatisfied with the little vengeance he himfelf
L 2 could
76 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
could rake, he has fent round to all my cre-
ditors !
Harry. Tis falfe !
Milford. Falfe?
Harry. A vile, eternal falfehood !
Enter OFFICER with papers and writs.
Officer. Gentlemen ! Did you call ?
Harry. [Interrupting him'] Leave the room, fir !
Officer. But !
Harry. We are bufy, fir !
Officer. I thought !
Harry. I tell you we are bufy, and mud not be
interrupted ! [Exit Officer"] [Paiife of confederation]
Mr. Milford, you fhall hear from me immediately,
[Exit Harry.
Milford. [After ruminating] What were thofc
papers ? Surely I have not beeii ram ? Nobody
but his father could have brought my creditors
thus on me all at once ? He feemed half drunk
or half frantic ! Said he was ruined, difmherited
Talked fomcthing of to-morrow What could the
purport of his coming be ? [Enter Officer] Well,
iir?
Officer. Here is a note, fir.
Milford. From whom ?
Officer. The young gentleman.
Milford. [Reads afidi] ' I underftand you are at
liberty' How ! At liberty ? [The Officer bows']
[Reads'] 'I (hall walk up to Hyde Park : you will
' find me at the Ring at fix Exadtly at fix'
At liberty ?
Officer. Your debts are all difcharged.
Milford. Impoffible .'Which way ? By whom ?
Officer. Why, fir That is
Milford. No hefitation, but tell me by
whom ?
Officer.
A COMEDY.
77
Officer. Sir I thought I perceived fome anger
between you and the young gentleman ?
Milford. Afk no queftions, iir ; make no delays !
Tell me who has paid my debts ? Tell me the truth
Confequences you do not fufpeft depend upon,
your anfvver !
Officer. I perceive, fir, there has "been fome
warmth between you : and though the young gen-
tleman made me promife fiience and fecrecy
Milford. [Aftonijhment] What then it was Mr.
Dornton ? [Officer bows'} Madman ! What have
I done ! [Exeunt.
SCENE changes to the Houfe of DORNTON.
Etiter HARRY DORNTON, followed by Mr. SMITH.
Harry. And the danger not yet paft ?
Mr. Smith. Far from it ! Mr. Sulky has twice
brought us fupplies, and is gone a third time.
Harry. Brave fpirit ! He would coin his heart !
My father fupports it nobly ?
Mr. Smith. He is anxious only for you.
Harry. Wjell, well ! Ha, ha, ha ! Tol lol I'll
bring him relief Comfort him, allure him of it !
Ay, hear me heaven and ! To-night it is too
late, but to-morrow all (hall be well ! Excellent
we'll !
Mr. Smith. [_Significantly~] You will marry the
widow ?
Harry. Have you heard ? Ay, boy, ay !
We'll marry ! " I will go and prepare her We'll
marry !" Early in the morning that all may be
fafe.
Mr. Smith. " Will that be right ?
Harry. " I have told her the truth. She knows
" all : knows what a vile infernal I tell you (lie
ff knows me ! My father ag^ain (hall look upon
' the
78 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
* e the glare of day ! Firft to the proctor, next
" to the lawyer, and then ! Ha, ha, ha ! Ay
" then to my fail bride ! Heareft thou, my noble
" foul ? I fay my bride ! My fair, my blooming,
" thrice-bedded bride ! No novice (he, old true
" blue ! Tol de rol It will be a merry wedding !
Confole my father ! Cheer him! Enlighten
" his foul with hope ! I'll keep my word ! What,
" does he not know me ? Am I not his own fon ?''
Why, ay [Locking at his watch'] The proctor's,
the lawyer's, the widow's, and [Starts] at fix ?
[dfide} The Ring ? The Ring at fix ? Fiends !
Who can fay what may happen ? What, leave
my father to perim ? I'll not go ! Though all
hell mould brand me for a coward, I'll not go !
Mr. Smith, take care of my father ! Mark me,
1 recommend my father to you ! [Exit.
Enter Mr. DORNTON.
Dornton. Where is Harry ? Did not I hear his
voice ?
Mr. Smith. He is this moment gone, fir.
Dornton. Gone where ?
Mr. Smith. Do you not fufpect where, fir ?
Dornton. [Alarmed] Sufpe<5t ! What? Speak!
Mr. Smith. To the widow Warren's.
Dcrn.'on. For what purpofe ?
Mr. -Smith. To marry her.
Dornton. Marry ! The widow Warren !
Mr. Smith. And favc the.houfe by her fortune.
'Dcrnton. Generous Hairy ! Noble affectionate
boy ! I'd perim tirft I
Mr. Smith. He teems very refolute He has al-
ready had fix thoufand pounds of her.
Dorntcn Marry her ? 1 ihall go mad ! Where .
is Mr. Sulky ?
7 Mr. Smith.
A C O M E D Y. 79
Mr. Smith. He is jnft returned. I hear him in
the compting-houfe.
Dornton. Tell him I wifh to fpeak with him.
[jExit Mr. Smith'] Harry Dornton- and the widow
Warren? I ftiall die in Bedlam! [Enter Mr.
Sulky] Are we fafe, Mr. Sulky ?
Sulky. For to-day, perhaps.
Dornton. What bank have we to begin to-
morrow ?
Sulky. I can'c tell I fear not thirty thoufand.
Dornton. Mr. Sulky, you you have this day
fhewn yourfelf an adive partner, and a iincere
friend.
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. I have long efteemed you ; I efteem
you more and more.
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. My fon Harry {Hefitating] You are
a very good man, Mr. Sulky ; a compaffionatc
man, though you don't look fo.
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. 'Tis pity to fee fo noble a youth I
am fure you would not with him any harm, Mr.
Sulky ? I am fure you would not !
Sulky. Whom ?
Dornton. Harry Dornton. Would you ? Would
you ? Would you, Mr. Sulky ?
Sulky. A kind queftion.
Dornton. Nay, I did not mean to be unkind,
Mr. Sulky j you know 1 did not Shall we not
venture one (lep more to fave him ?
Sulky. Save ? Jmpoffible ! Ruin only can re-
form'hini ; total ruin.
Dornton. You miftake, Mr. Sulky. His own
misfortunes little affeded him, but mine ! He is
ftruck to the heart ! I know him !
Sulky. So do I.
Dcmlon.
8o THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Dornton. Struck to the heart ! I'm fure on't !
He'll be a good man ! A great man !
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. You. know the widow Warren, Mr.
Sulky ?
Sulky. Don't you ?
Dornton. I never faw her in my life I hear
me is full forty, her manners abfurd, 1 her character
cruel, and her morals
Sulky. Bad enough.
Dornton. Six thoufand pounds at this moment
is a grt;at fum ! I own it ! But do you think I
ought not to venture ?
Sulky. Venture what ?
Dornton. To To take it from our bank ?
Sulky. For what ?
Dornton. For For the the relief of Harry
Dornton ?
Sulky. What you pleafe ! Take all ! What is
it to me ?
Dcrntcn. Nay, but, Mr. Sulky, you furely don't
fee the thing in the right light ?
Sulky. I can ftarve, like the reft !
Dornton, [Snappijh bafte] Very well, Mr. Sulky !
Very well ! I perceive you can be interefted, and
and !
Sulky. And what ?
Dornton. Very well, Mr. Sulky ! Very well !
Sulky. 1 can itare bankruptcy in the face as
iledfaftly as you can.
Dornton. Ay, ay ! No doubt ! The world is
all alike! I am an old fool, and fo fhall live and
die !
Snlky. Why do you afk my advice ? Take the
money ! Empty the coffers ! Pour it all into
his hat ! Give him guineas to play at chuck
farthing, and bank bills to curl his hair !
Dorntcn.
A C O M E D Y. . 8r
Dornton. Very well, ' Mr. Sulky ! Friendship,
generofity, a fenfe of juftice ? Oh ! It's all a
farce !
Sulky. Humph.
Dornton. [Rings] Very well, fir ! Very jvell !
[Enter Servant] Is the carriage ready ?
Servant. It's at the door, fir. [Exif.
Dornton. [Going, turns back] So, Mr. Sulky,
you could fee him married to this widow, to
whom you have fo often as well as now given the
worft of characters, rather than incur a little more
rifk for your friend ?
Sulky. Marry ?
Dornton. Yes, marry !
Sulky. Whom ?
Dornton. The widow Warren, I tell you !
Sulky. And Harry Dornton ?
Dornton. Yes, and Harry Dornton !
Sulky. When ? Where ?
Dornton. Immediately 1 With unexampled af-
fection, to fave me who am old and worthlefs, he
would devote his youth, his great qualities, and
his noble heart, to all the torments which fuch
a .marriage and fuch a woman can inflict !
Sulky. Take the money !
Dornton. Are you ferious, Mr. Sulky ?
Sulky. Take the money ! Away ! Begone ! L
would indeed ftarve, inchmeal, rather than he
Qiould marry her !
Dcrnton. Mr. Sulky, you are a worthy man, a
true friend !
Sulky. Curfe compliments ! Make hade !
[Exeunt.
END OF THE FOURTH ACT.
M ACT
S2 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
A C T V.
SCENE,, the Widow WARREN'S,
SOPHIA and JENNY meeting.
JENNY.
SO, mifs! Here's your mamma juft coming
down.
Sophia. \_Mufh agitated'] Is (he drefled ?
Jenny. Oh yes ! I have decorationed her out
like any king's coach-horfe !
Sophia. It's very well.
Jenny. With her ribbands and ringlets ftuck
about and dangleating down her back and all
here
Sophia. It's very well.
Jenny. Tight laced " Thomas- called up to;
help."
Sophia. It's all very well ! But it will be no
wedding
'Jenny. [Afidi\ I hope not.
Sophia. He told her to her face that he loved
me, and offered to give her the money back
He'll never have her- 1 - And if he does I don't
care I know I (hall die broken-hearted, but 1
don't care I'll tell all to my clear grandma', for
I'll not flay in this wicked city- No ! He (han't
lee me pine away I know my ghoft will haunt
him ; but 1 can't help it. 1 never wiihed him
any harm, and had he but been true-hearted and
have waited for me, I would But it's no matter
He (han't fee a tear that I fhed, nor hear the Icaft
figh that I heave.
Enter
A C O M E D.t. 83
4.
Enter the Widow WARREN.
Jenny. [Looking, admiring, and walking round
her~l Well, ma'am ! 1 declare you're a pidur !
Widow. Do you think I look tolerably, Jenny?
\JWalkfag and Juru eying berfe/f] Shall I do exe-
cution ? What is the matter, child ?
Sophia, Mark my words, he'll never have you!
Widow. Poor thing !
So-phia. He never will!
[Knocking Iward at the ftreet- door*
Widow. Run, Jenny, fee who it is \ [Exit Jenny]
Go up to your chamber, child.
Sophia. No ! I will flay here.
Widow. Begone to your chamber, I fay, mifs !
Sophia. Beat me if you pleaie, kill me, but I
not i
Re-enter JENNY.
Jenny. Here's an elderly gentleman, ma'am,
aiks to fpeak to you.
Widow. Will you begone, mifs ?
Sophia. Since it is not he I don't want to (lay.
I only want to look him in the face once more.
[Exit.
Widow. How is he drefied ?
Jenny. In grey, ma'am.
Widow. In grey ? [Conftdering.
Jenny. Yes, ma'am.'
Widow. In dark grey ? [Hoping,
Jenny. Yes, ma'am.
Widow. [Earnejily'] Does he look like a parfon,
Jenny ?
Jenny. Why, ma'am, he is a foberly, fmug,
jobation-looking man enough.
Widow. Let him be flievvn in I dare fay it
is the Divine !
M 2 Footman
84 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
i
Footman introduces Mr, DORNTON.
Dornton. Your humble fervant, madam.
Widaw. Sir, your very mofb humble fervant.
[With great refpeft.
Dornton. I prefume you are unacquainted with
me ?
Widow. \_Sitnpering] I believe I can penetrate,
fir
Dornton. Can you, madam ?
Widow. \_With her fan before berface~] You You
come on the part of young Mr. Dornton ?
Dornton. [Surprifed] I do !
Widow. \_Afidi\ It is the parfon ! Would you
be fo indulgent as to be feated, fir ?
Dornton. Excufe me, madam.
Widow. Would you be pleafed to take any re-
fremment, fir ?
Dornton. Madam ! None, I thank you.
Widow. A morfel of feed-cake, a French bif-
cuit, a bit of orange-loaf, a glafs of Conftantia,
or a jelly ? I know thefe little cordial comforts are
agreeable confolations to gentlemen of your cloth.
Dornton. [Surveying himfelf~\ Cloth !
Widcw. No offence, 1 hope ? I participate in
them rnyfelf.
Dornton. Hem ! No doubt !
Widow. You are acquainted with Mr. Dornton ?
Dornton. Why Yes I am I believe one of his
oldeft acquaintance.
IPidow. Then I dare fay you have a great re-
gard for him ?
Dornton. Hem ! Yes I had a fort of a
friendfhip for him even before he was born.
Widcw. Sir! Oh ! You are intimate with the
family ?-
Dornton. Yes yes, madam !
Widow. And know his father ?
A C O M E D Y. 85
Dornton. Urn [Shrugs'] Why Though I
have kept him company from the day of his birth
to this very hour, they tell me I don't know him
yet !
Widow. Ay indeed ! Is he fo odd ?
Dornton. Sometimes To my great regret, I
have fometimes found him a very abfurd o!4
gentleman !
Widow. I am forry for it ! Becaufe as I am
foon to become hymeneally his intimate re-
lation I I ! [MaHdenh affettation.
Dornton. You would wi(h for a fenfible indul-
gent Papa [Smiles.
Widow. It's natural, fir. [Simpering.
Dornton. Ha ! I dare not fay too much in his
favour.
Widow. Nay though I have a vaft hum ha
regard for young Mr. Dornton I own I have
no great predilection of opinion for the father !
[Nodding very Jignificantly.
Dornton. [Suddenly"] Nor he for you, madam !
Widow. Do you think fo ?
Dornton. I am fure fo !
Widow. I warrant, fir, he is, as you fay, a very
precife acrimonious perfon ! A tetchy repugnant
kind of old gentleman !
Dornton. 1 faid no fuch thing, madam !
Widow. Ah ! A little caution, fir, to be fure,
becomes gentlemen of your cloth.
Dornton. Cloth again ! I don't know what you
mean by my cloth j but Mr. Dornton, madam,
is little older than yourfelf : nor does he think
himfelf half fo repugnant.
Widow. Sir !
Dornton. {Recolletting bimfelf] Madam 'I -I
beg your pardon ! I [Bowing.
6 * Widow.
86 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Widow. [Knocking heard'] Oh ! Here I dare fay
comes the bridegroom !
[Enraptured: crojfes to the door.
Dornton. \_Afidi\ My curft vivacity ! I can never
tell her after this who I am. [Walks up the ftage.
Enter HARRY DORNTON, in hafte.
Widow. Oh you rover !
Harry. Well, my kind widow ! [Mr. Dornton
turns quick round at hearing his Son's voice, and gra-
dually approaches'] My loving compaffionate wi-
dow ! I am come poft hafte to call myfeif once
more on your bounty !
Widow. Hu-fh!
Harry. To intreat inftant commifcration, and
aid!
Widow. Hem ! Hem ! [Aloud.
Harry. I have not a minute to (pare !
Widow. [Whifper] He's here ! He's come ! A
xvafpifli, tetchy! Hem ! \_Aloud~\ Your friend
has been here fome time, Mr. Dornton!
Harry. My friend ! What friend ?
Widow. Your friend the clergyman.
[Pointing to Mr. Dornton.
Harry. Clergyman ! You [Turning, fees his
Father at his elbow'] My father !
Widow. His fat her! \Paitfe.
Dornton. Well, Harry, why do you look ib
blank? I am glad you are here Your coming,
and the mutual linceiity with which this lady and
I have juft fpoken our fentiments, will fave all
circumlocution At prefent we underftand each
other.
Widow. Sir I -
Dornton. Oh, madam, never retraft Let us
continue the like plain honeit dealing
Widow. ButSir Mr. Dornton's affedion
s Dornton.
A C O M E D Y. g ?
Dornton. Ha, ha, ha! Affe&ion, madam!
[Pitying her delufion.
Ti r>
Harry. Sir
Dornton. Harry \ I know your motives J Will
never forget them ! But the caufc of them has
ceafed.
Harry. Sir? Beware! No falfe compaflion !
Remember not the vile reprobate that was your
ion f I fpurn at existence that is coupled with your
mifery !
Dornton. Harry ! Our danger is over.
Harry. Are you ? Are you ferious ?
Dornton. Mr. Sulky is a worthy man ! His rich
uncle is dead, and has left him fole heir. Our books
too have been examined, and exceed our beft
hopes.
Harry. Tol de rol !
Dornton. Here is your money, madam.
Harry , My father faved ? Tol de rol f
Widow. Nay but Mr. Dornton ! Sir !
[Ready to cry.
Dernton. I muft beg you will take it
Harry. Rejoice, widow ! Rejoice !" Sing, (hout !
Tol de rol f
Widow. I do not want the money , fir ! Filthy
money [Whimpering reftrained] And as to what
1 faid, though you have arrefted Mr. Milford
Harry. Ha ! [Starts, confidcrs, and 'looks at his watch.
. Widow. I am forry I beg your pardon And
if Mr. Dornron
Donttcn. Why don'c you fpeak, Harry ? Where
are you going ? [Harry Dcrnton crojjes hnftily to
the door] Come back, Harry ! Stay, I fav !
Harry. I cannot (lay !" I muilfly! My ho-
nour is at ftake ! [Exit.
Dornton. [Alarmed'] His honour ! His honour
at ftake ! Here, here, madam ! [Offering her
Bank bills.}
'
83 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Widow. Nay, fir
Dornton. 'Sdeath, madam, take your money.
[Exit.
Widow. Cruel ufage ! Faithlefs men
Blind Stupid ! I'll forfake and forfwear the
whole fex !
Enter JENNY with glee on tip-toe, as if Jhe had been
on the watch.
Jenny. Ma'am !
Widow. [Sobbing] Savage race !
Jenny. Ma'am ! Ma'am ! Mr. Goldfinch,
ma'am
Widow. Hay! Mr. Goldfinch? Was that what
you faid, Jenny ? [Brightens up~] Where ?
Jenny. Below, ma'am. I perfuaded him to come
up, but he is quite furly.
Widow. Oh ! He is coming ? Well ! I think
I will fee him Yes I think 1 will.
Jenny. I always told you, ma'am, Mr. Goldfinch
for me.
Widow. Did you ?
Jenny. But he fays he will have your written
promife this very night, or never fpeak to you
more I hear him. [Aljufting the widow's drejs\
Law, ma'am, you had better give a few touches
Hereabout ! Your eyes will have double the fpirit
and fire.
Widow. Will they ? [Exit.
Enter GOLDFINCH.
Goldfinch. Where's the dowager ?
Jenny. Hum ! Mind what 1 faid to you-^-It is
too late now for a licence, ib be fure get the
promife Don't flinch !
Goldfinch. Me flinch? Game to the back-bone !
Jenny. Hum !
Re- en tcr the Widow WARREN.
Goldfinch. Here I am once more, widow.
Widow.
ACOMEDY. 89
Widow. Ah, rambler !
Goldfinch. Are you cured of the tantarurns ?
Widow. Nay, Mr. Goldfinch!
Goldfinch. Muft I keep my diftance ?
Widow. Unkind !
Goldfinch. Am I a gentleman now ?
Widow. Killing !
Goldfinch. Look you, widow, I know your tricks
Skittifh ! Won't anfwer the whip ! Run out
of the courfe! Take the reft! So give me your
promife.
Widow. My promife i
Goldfinch. Signed and fealed.
Widow. Naughty man You (han't I won't
let you tyrannize over a palpitating heart 1
Goldfinch. Palpi [To Jenny'] What does me
fay? '
Widow. You (han't fteal on hymeneal tranf-
ports !
Goldfinch. What's that?
Widow. Connubial ecflaiies!
Goldfinch. Nu What?
Widow. Go, intruder !
Goldfinch. Oh ! What you won't ?
Widow. I'll never forgive you.
Goldfinch. I'm off.
Widow. Cruel man !
Goldfinch. I'm off.
Widow. Mr. Goldfinch ! [Calling]
Goldfinch. I'm off
Widow. You (hall have the promife !
Goldfinch. Oh, ho ! Why then I pull up
Widow. Barbarous youth ! Could you leave me ?
But I muft fend to Mr. Silky.
Goldfinch. No, no ! Let me have the promife
direftly ! I'll go myfelf to Silky.
Widow. Will you, Mr. Goldfinch ?
N Goldfixck.
go THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Goldfinch. Will I not ? Take a hack, mount
the box Hayait ! Scud away for the old fcoun-
drel ! I'm a deep one'! Know the courfe every
inch ! I'm the lad for a widow ! That's your fort !
Widow. Saucy man ! I'll be very angry with
you.
Goldfinch. Soon be back !
Widow. Adieu ! Fly fwiftly, ye minutes !
Goldfinch. But I muft have the promife firft !
Widow. I will go and write it Come, diflem-
bler, come ! {Exit langui/hing.
Goldfinch. She's an old courfer ! But I knew I
fhould take her at the double !
Enter MILFORD.
Milford. So, Charles, where's the widow ?
Goldfinch. The widow's mine !
Milford. Yours ?
Goldfinch. I'm the lad ! All's concluded Going
poft for old Silky. [Offers to go, at every Jpeech, but
is eagerly flopped by Milford.']
Mi'fcrd. Silky did you fay ?
Goidfnch. Am to pay the miferly rafcal fifty
thoufand pounds down ! But mum ! That's a
fecret !
Milford. You are raving !
Goldfinch. Tellee he has her on the hip ! She
can't marry without his confent !
Milford. But why ?
Goldfinch. Don't know. The clofe old rogue
won't tell. Has got fome deed, he fays Some
writing.
Miford. Indeed !
Goldfinch, Yes But it's all hum ! I (hall be a
higher fello v than ever, Jack ! Go to the lecond
fpnno meeting Take you with me Come down
a few to the Sweaters and Trainers The knowing
ones,
A C O M E D V, 9 t
ones The Lads Get into the fecret Lay it on
thick Seven hundred to five Favourite againft
the field ! Done ! I'll do it again ! Done !
Five times over ditto repeated ! Done, done !
Off they go ! Winner lays by Pretends to want
foot Odds rife high ! Take 'em Winner whif-
pered lame Lags after Odds higher and higher !
Take 'em Creeps up Breathes 'em over the
flat Works 'em up hill Pafles the diftance pod
Still only fecond Betting chair in an uproar !
Neck to neck ! Lets him out Shews him the
whip ! Shoots by like an arrow Oh dammee a
hollow thing ! That's your fort ! [Exit.
Milford. Fifty thoufand to Silky for his confent
becaufe of fome deed, fome writing ? If it mould
'be the ? It muft ! By heaven it muft !
[Exit haftily.
SCENE changes to the Ring in Hyde Park.
HARRY DORNTON looking at his watch.
Harry. How long muft I wait ? I fee nothing
of Milford I'll cut off that bailiffs ears if he have
betrayed me. \JValks about. ~\
Enter Mr. DORNTON out of breath.
Dornton. So, Harry !
Harry. My father again !
Dornton. [Panting'] What do you do here, Harry ?
Harry. Sir I I want air.
Dornton. So do I A pretty dance you have led
me What brought you hither ? [Sudden recol-
leftion~\ Where's the money you had of the widow ?
[Pauje Jeeming to dread an anfwff~\ Where is the
jnoney, Harry ?
Harry. [Relulantly~] Gone, fir.
Dornton, Gone !
Hxrry. Mod of it,
N 2 Doniton.
9* THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Dornton. And your creditors not paid ? [Another
paufe~] And your creditors not paid ?
Harry. No, fir.
Dornton. [Raijes his bands] I fufpecled I fore-
boded this ! [Harry Dornton 'walks up the ft age]
He has been at fome gaming-houfe, loft all, quar-
relled, and come here to put a miferable end to
a miferable exiftence ! Oh, who would be a fa-
ther ! [Extreme anguiflj.~]
Enter Waiter.
Waiter. I am fent on an April-day kind of
errand here. 1 think this is what they call the
Ring. [Locks round"] Hey ! Who is this? [Surveying
Mr. Dornion] Pray Sir Is your name Dorn-
ton ?
Dornton. It is.
Waiter. Then I am right Mr. Milford, fir,
has fent me with this note.
Harry. [Advancing] It is for me, fir !
Dornton. How do you know, Harry ?
Harry. Sir, I am certain ! I muft beg !
"Dornten. This is no time for ceremony ! [Reads]
f Dear Harry, forgive the provocation I have give/i
you ; forget the wrong I have done your father '
Me ! ' I will fubmit to any difgrace rather than
' life my hand againft your life 1 would have
' come and apologifed even on my knees, but am
' prevented J. Milford.' [Stands a moment crum-
pling up the letter] Why, Harry ! What ? What
is this ? Tell me Tell me Is it in paying Mil-
ford's debts you have expended the money ?
Harry. It is, fir.
Dornton. [sifter raifmg his clajped hands in rapture
as if to return thanks, Juddenly JuppreJJes his feelings']
But how had he wronged me ? Why dicj you
come here to fiht him ?
Harry.
o
A COMEDY. 93
Harry. Sir He hefpokedifrefpedfullyofyou.
\Paufe.-}
"Dornton. \WithUs eyes fixed on his f on, till unable
any longer to contain himfelf he covers them with one
band andftretches out the other'] Harry !
Harry. [Taking his father's hand, but turning his
back likewife to conceal his agitation] My father !
\Paufe.~]
Dornton. Harry ! Harry ! [Struggling afeftion']
[Paufe.-]
Harry. Dear fir, let us fly to confole poor Mil-
ford !
Dornton. What you will, Harry ! Do with me
what you will Oh who would not be a father !
[Exeunt.
SCENE changes to the Houfe of the Widow WARREN.
Enter MILFORD and Mr. SULKY.
Milford. The fool Goldfinch himfelf informed
me, fir, that Silky is to receive fifty thoufand
pounds for his confent !
Sulky. Fifty thoufand ! Zounds ! Why then the
old fcoundrel muft have got poiTeflion of the will.
Milford. Which is indubitably meant to be de-
ftroyed. Goldfinch is juft returned with Silky.
They are now with the widow, all in high glee,
and are coming up here immediately, no doubt
to fettle the bufmefs in private.
. Sulky. What can be done ?
Milford. We muft hide ourfelves fomewhere,
and fpring upon them.
Sulky. I hate hiding ! It's deceit, and deceit is
the refource of a rafcal.
Milford. But there is no avoiding it f We can-
not get legal afliftance in time ! Here are two clo-
fets ! Do you go into one, and Til (hut myfelf up'
2 irt
94 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
in the other. We (hall hear what they are about,
and can buril upon them at the proper moment.
Sulky. Well, if it muft be fo But it's a vile,
paltry refuge !
Milford. I hear them coming ! Make hafte !
[Exeunt Sulky and Milford into the clofets.
Enter SILKY, WIDOW, and GOLDFINCH.
Silky* Ha, ha, ha ! I told you, madam, I mould
hear from you when you wanted me ! I knew it
muft come to that ! But you are a lucky man,
Mr. Goldfinch, and I'm a lucky man ; ay and you
are a lucky woman too, madam ! We are all in
luck!
Goldfinch. Ay dammee, old one, you have been
concerned in many a good thing in your time !
Silky. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha ! To be fure I have !
I muft provide for my family, Mr. Goldfinch !
Widow. It is indeed a fortunate event ! Do
you not participate my raptures, Mr. Goldfinch ?
Goldfinch. To be fure It's a deep fcheme ! It's
knowing a thing or two ! Hay, old one ? Pigeon-
ing the Green-horns !
Silky. All fo fafe too, fo fnng ! I am fo pleafed,
and fo happy ! It's all our own ! Not a foul will
know of it but our three felves !
Goldfinch. Oh yes One more, old one
Silky. [Alarmed} Ay ! Who? Who?
Goldfinch. Your father Beelzebub !
Silky. Lord ! Mr. Goldfinch, don't terrify me !
Widow. To be fure, it muft be owned you are
a mocking old rogue, Mr. Silky ! But there is no
doing without you So make hafte with your
deeds and your extortions ; for really we ihould be
very glad to be rid of your company
Silky. Well, well, I'm ready I'll not long in*
tcrrupt your amorous hafte. I am a man of bufi-
nefs !
A C O M E D Y. 95
nefs ! I expected how it would be, and have a
legal inftrument here, ready drawn up by my
own hand; which, when it is figned and fealed
will make all fafe !
Widow. But where is the will ?
Silky. Oh I have it Firft however let us be
fecure. [Locks both the chamber doors : is going to
read, but looks round., fees the clofet doors, and with
great anxiety and cunning locks them too.]
Goldfinch. You're an old trader in fin ! There's
no being too deep for you !
Silky. Ah, ha, ha, ha ! Do you think fo, Mr.
Goldfinch ?
Goldfinch. But I mould like to fee you on your
death-bed ! [A blow from one of the clofets.
Silky. Blefs my foul! Whai's that?
Goldfinch. Zounds! Odd enough ! I believe
he's coming for you before your time !
Widow. It was very ftrange !
Silky. 1 declare I am all of a tremble !
Widow. Come, come, let us get the (hocking
bufmefs over ! Where is the will ?
Goldfinch. Don't (hake fo, man !
Silky. Well, well ! -Firft. fign the bond! [Widow
and Goldfinch going to fign, another knock beard]
Lord have mercy upon me !
Gddfincb. I fmell fulphur !
Widow. Save me, Mr. Goldfinch !
Silky. The candles burn blue ! [Paufe.
Goldfinch. Pihaw ! Zounds, it's only fome cat
in the clofet !
Silky. I heard it in both the clofets !
Goldfinch. Why then there are two cats!^
Come! I'll fign -
\_Widow and Goldfinch Jign the bond.
Silky. Where's the promife ?
Goldfinch. Here it is ! [Laying it on the table.
Silky,
9 6 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
Silky. And here is the will, which, that all may
be fafe, we will immediately commit to the
flames. [Is going to burn it at the candle. Four
Juccejjive loud knocks are heard, one from each of the
doors. Silky ft arts, drops one candle, and overturns
the other. The ft age dark.~]
Silky. Lord have mercy upon us!
Goldfinch. My hair (lands an end !
[ Violent knocking at both clojets and at the doors.
Widow. Save me, Mr. Goldfinch ! Protect me !
Ah ! [Shrieks.
[Sulky and Milford bur ft open the clojets andjeize
on the bond and promife : then open the chamber
doors, at one of which enter Jenny with lights, and
at the other Sophia, Harry Dornton, and Mr.
Dcrnton."]
Sophia. Dear, ma', what's the matter ?
Sulky. Where is the will ? [Silky recovers him-
Jelf and fnatches it up~] Give it me, you old
fcoundrel ! Give it me this inftant, or I'll throttle
you ! [Wrefts it from him.
Milford. So, gentlemen ! You are a pretty
pair of knaves !
Sulky. And you are a very worthy lady !
Widow. Don't talk to me, man ! Don't talk
to me! I (hall never recover my fenfes again !
Harry. What has happened, gentlemen ? How
came you thus all locked up together ?
Dornton. Are you here, Mr. Silky ?
Sulky, Yes ! There's the honed, grateful, friend-
ly Mr. Silky ! Who would betray his friends,
plunder the living, and defraud the dead, for the
eafe of his confcience, and to provide for his
family !
Goldfinch. Old one ! You're done up !
Sulky. And here is the girlifh old coquette,
who would rob her daughter and leave her huf-
band's
A COMEDY.
97
band's fon to rot in a dungeon, that (lie might
marry the firft fool flie could find !
Goldfinch. Widow \ You are difhed ! [Sully exa-
mines the 'will] Loft your lad chance !
Dornton. A broken gamefter, nurtured in idle-
nefs, ignorance, and diffipadon, whofe ridings,
racings, and drivings are over, and whofe whole
train of horfes, dogs, curricles, phaetons, and
fooleries muft come to the hammer immediately,
is no great lofs.
Sophia. Oh, la ! u And what is coming to the
" hammer ?
Dornton. " Oh, the hammer is an inftrument
by which Folly is publicly knocked down to the
" bed bidder ; after which me rifes, gambols,
ic whifks away, makes a fhort flying tour, and
" gallops back to be publicly knocked down
" again.
Sophia. " Dear ! Poor Mr. Goldfinch !"
Dornton. I knew your father, fir : 'tis happy for
him that he is dead ! If you will forfake thefc
courfes and apply to trade
Goldfinch. Damn trade ! Who's for the fpring
meeting ? Crofs 'em and wind 'em ! Seven to five
you don't name the winner ! I'm for life and a
curricle ! A cut at the cafter, and the long odds !
Damn trade ! The four aces, a back hand, and a
lucky nick ! I'm a deep one ! .That's your fort f
[Exit.
Sulky. And now, madam
Widow. Keep off, monfter ! You fin ell of ma-
lice, cruelty, and perfecution !
Sulky. No, madam : I fmell of honefty ! A
drug you naufeate, but with which you mufl
forcibly be dofed ; I have glanced over the will,
and find I have the power.
Let me go, goblin ! You are a hi-
O deous
9 THE ROAD TO RUIN:
deons perfon, and I hate the fight of you ! Your
breaft is flint ! Flint ! Unfeeling Gorgon, and
I abominate you ! [Exit into an inner chamber.
Sophia. Nah, you are a kind, good, crofs old
foul ; and I am fure you will forgive my poor ma' !
We ought all to forget and forgive F Ought not
we, Mr. Dor n ton ?
Harry. \_With rapture, and looking to his father]
Do you hear her, fir 2
Dornton. Harry has told me of your innocent,
pure, and unfufpefting heart I love you for hav-
ing called me an ugly monfter '
Sophia. [To Harry~\ La, Mr. Dornton, how
could you !
Sulky. Harry Give me your hand You hav
a generous and a noble nature \ But your generofity
would have proved more pernicious than even your
diilipation. No misfortunes, no not the beggary
and ruin of a father, could juftify fo unprincipled
a marriage !
Dornton. And now [To Mr. Sulky] my friend '
Milford. My father !
Harry. My I
Sully. Whoo ! If you wifli to get another word
from me to-night, have done. [Turning to Silky]
I hate fawning !
Silky. Ah, Mr. Sulky, you will have your hu-
mour.
Sulky. The undifcriminating generofity of this
young man fupported you in your day ot diftrefs ;
for which, ferpent-like, you turned to fling your
prefer ver.
Silky. Ah, you will have your humour.
Sulky. Yes ; and it is my humour to fee that
your villany (hall be expofed in its true colours.
Hypocrify, falfehood, and fraud, are your familiars.
To fcreen your avarice, you made it believed that
6 this
A C Q M E D Y. ^
this gentleman had been the caufe of lodging the
detainders, and had done the dirty work of which
even you were afhamed. But the creditors (hall
receive their full demand.
Dornton. The propofal is juft. Liften to that
worthy man ; and if you can, be honeft with a
good grace. Every thing will then be readily ad-
jufted, and I hope to the (atisfadtion of all parties.
[Exeunt cmnes.
Spoken by Mrs. MATTOCKS.
jVl Y fcenic faults and follies laid afide,
No widow now, nor difappointed bride,
My own plain felf I once again refume ;
Sent by the author here, to know his doom.
Would you condemn him ? Do, with all my heart.
To own the truth, I don't half like my part :
Through five long ats the butt of ridicule, T
A hard unfeeling heart, a flirt, a fool,
My daughter's tyrant and my lover's tool, j
I hoped the bitter pill he'd overcome,
By making up an epilogue fugar-plum.
But no ! Madam, faid he, take my advice, ")
And conquer feelings which are much too nice : >
Fear not to hold the mirror up to vice. 3
We, who paint human characters, muft (hew them
uch as they are ; or nobody would know them.
But, fir, the fex ! A woman ! Very true :
I'm forry fo many fat for me, while I drew.
Sure ! Really, fir ! Nay, don't be angry, madam :
Both ate the apple, Eve as well as Adam.
And, while through thick and thin the paffions goad,
Nor Eve uor Adaaa Hay to pici; their road.
And,
ioo EPILOGUE.
And, as for epilogue, I'll not defcend
Bad play by wcrfe buffoonery to mend.
Miller, faid I, you are too wife by half ;
Folks don't come here to learn, they come to laugh :
And, if they clipofe like Hottentots their meat,
You mu(t provide them what they pleafe to eat.
Lord, fir ! The beauties of proportion never pleafe
Such as delight in frippery and frieze !
Do we not fee, by man of travelPd tafte
In open hall on rifing pillar plac'd,
Griffon or Sphinx th' infulted eye before ;
While Plato's buft (lands hid behind the door ?
But good advice I find is thrown away !
Yes, good advice is like a rainy day j
"Which, though .it make our barns and coffers full,
I; often fplenetic, and always dull.
Our common caufe, then, let us fairly trull
With thofe who are to fenfe and nature juft.
' [Tc t'hs avd'ienct'.~]
<{ The richeft foil, and moft invig'rate feed,
e ' Will here and th-ere infeiled be with weed:
" The g.tudy poppy rears its broad bull head
*' Among the \vheat, ibmnif'rous dews to fhed :
" Then, wherefoe'er rank couch-grafs, fern, or tares arc
ind,
" 'T T to hand-weed, horfe-hoe, clear, and till the
inuv''
F I N I
A DAY IN TURKEY;
O R,
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES.
COMEDY,
AS ACTED AT THI
5> < 3
I N
COVENT GARDEN.
BY MRS. C O W L E Y.
THE THIRD EDIT ION.
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR G. G. J. AND J. ROBINSON, IX
PATER-NOSTER-ROW.
MDCC XCII.
ADVERTISEMENT.
All NTS have been thrown out, and the idea in-
duftrioufly circulated, that the following comedy is
tainted with POLITICS. I proteft I know nothing
about politics; will Mifs Wolftonecraft forgive
me whofe book contains fuch a body of mind as I
hardly ever met with if I fay that politics are unfe-
minine ? I never in my life could attend to their
difcuffion.
TRUE COMEDY has always been defined to be a
picture of life a record of paffing manners a mirror
to reflect to fucceeding times the characters and follies
of the prefent. How then could I, pretending to be
a comic poet, bring an emigrant Frenchman before
the
ADVERTISEMENT.
the public at this day, and not make him hint at the
events which had juft pafled, or were then paffing in
his native country? A character fo written would
have been anomalous the critics ought to have had
no mercy on me. It is A LA GREQUE who fpeaks,
not /; nor can I be accountable for his fentiments.
Such is my idea of tracing CHARACTER ; and were I
to continue to write for the ftage, I fliould always
govern mylelf by it.
THE illiberal and falfe fuggeftions concerning the
politics of the comedy I could frankly forgive, had
they not deprived it of the honour of a COMMAND.
The pafTages on which thofe mifrepreientations were
built, were on the fecond night omitted, but imme-
diately afterwards reftored ; and the DAY IN TURKEY
leaves the prefs exactly as it has continued to
be performed amidft the moft vivid and uninter-
rupted plaudits or interrupted only by the glitter of
foft tears ; a fpecies of applaufe not lefs flattering than
the fpontaneous laugh, or the voluntary collifion of
hands.
Some
ADVERTISEMENT.
SOME of the performers in this comedy have play'd
fo tranfcendently well, that their names ueievve to be
recorded ; but to particularife any, when all have
jum'd at perfection, would be invidious.
H. GOWLEY.
Feb. 17,
PROLOGUE.
SPOKEN BY MR. HARLEY.
IM O T from the prefent moment fprings our play,
Th' events which gave it birth are paft away
Five glowing moons have chas'd night's fhades from
earth,
Since the war fled which gave our Drama birth.
" Not failing peace o'er RUSSIA'S wide-fpread land
" Watfd gently then, her fceptre of command.
** No ! tboufands rujk'd at red ambition's call>
'* With mad'ning rage to triumph or to fall.
" 'Twos then our female bard from BRITAIN'S Jhore
" Was led by fancy to the dijtant roar"
'Twas then fhe faw fweet virgins captives made,
'Twas then ihe faw the cheek of beauty fade,
Whilft the proud foldier in ignoble chains,
.Was from his country dragg'd to hoftile plains.
Thus was her bold imagination fired
When battle with its horrid train retired j
Yet, fure the ftory which (he then combin'd,
Should not to drear oblivion be refign'd
No let it ftiil your various paflions raife,
And to have touch'd them, oft', has been her praife ;
Trading to candour, fhe folicits here,
Your fmile of pleafure, or your pity's tear ;
For tho' the time is paft, the FEELING true,
She dedicates to NATURE, and to YOU !
Note. The lines diflinguiflied by italics are from th pen of
DlLLA CxUSCAt
PERSONS OF THE DRAMA.
MEN.
IBRAHIM, MR. HOLMAN.
ORLOFF, MR. FAR REN.
A LA GREQJJE, MR. FAWCET.
MUSTAPHA, MR. MUNDEN.
AZIM, MR. CUBIT.
SELIM, MR. INCLEDON.
MULEY, MR. M'CREADT.
ISMAEL, MR. FARLEY.
OLD MAN, MR. THOMPSON.
SON, MR. CROSS.
2 d TURK, MR.EPATT.
MALE SLAVES, &c.
WOMEN.
ALEXINA, MRS. POPE.
PAULINA, MRS. ESTEN.
LAURETTA, MRS. MATTOCKS.
FATIMA, Mus.MARTTR.
I?PTV/T AT 17 CT AWTTC f MRS. F A WC E T, M*i.
FEMALE SLAVES, | ROCX} ^ Qthers>
DAY IN TURKEY.
A C T L
SCENE I. AForeJl.
IN THE BACK GROUND A TURKISH CAMP.
Several 'Turks are feen at a Dijlance faffing and repa/~
ing with Hajle ; fame of them look out from amidfl tbt
Trees, and then retire*
Enter PAULINA, precipitately.
At the Bottom
WPAU.
HER E O, where ihall we fly ? [Looking
round wildly.} Brother father come ! We are driven
from our cottage ; we have no longer a home let UP
run fame where to feek another.
Enter OLD MAN and SON.
SON. Come father lean on me, and let us walk fafter,
tr we lhall be pick'd up by fome of the turban'd gentry.
B They
2 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR.
They are out a foraging; and they always conlider
chriftians as ufeful cattle. Let us fly.
FATHER. Fly ! alas, with the load of feventy years
upon my moulders, how hard a tafk ! We {hall never
efcape them, child Thou'lt fee thy father murdered,
and worfe luck than that will be thy fate.
PAU. Worfe luck than to be murdered ! I fhould
be glad to fee the day What worfe can happen ?
OLD MAN. Thou'lt be made a flave, flave to a
Turk [CRIES] I mall fee thee in a vile Turk's fe-
raglio, no better, as it were, than the handmaid of a
Jew.
PAU. Well, I may out-live fuch a misfortune as
that ; but I never heard of out-living a throat cut So,
dear father, cheej up, and let us hurry on to the next
village. Peter, take care of that bag for it contains
all we have in the world.
SON. Aye j and if it hadn't been for feme of our
own foldiers, I had been a loft man They were fo
kind as to ftrip our cottage yefterday, and left us no
more than I can very conveniently move under.
PAU. Yes ; and more than all that, they took
away my very beft gown, and my new fur cap ! \_cry-
S] 7 es > an d ne wno to k them faid it was in friend-
fhip, for that otherwife my very beft gown and cap
Would certainly fall into the hands of the enemy.
SON. Yes ; it was truly a very friendly action, and
they perform'd it like gentlemen No words, but their
very looks were oaths, and the black eyebrows of one
of them fpoke louder curfes than I ever heard between
fifty Siberian boar-hunters \cla(hing offaords without.]
There there ! d'ye hear ? Our friends are coming
2 down
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 3
down upon us ; and our enemies are at hand ! Come,
let us run [with a hok of terror \-~Yrom friends and
enemies, holy Michael, defend us ! [Exeunt.
[Clajhing offaords; A LA GRE^UE enters running at
top, then JtopS) looks back and fpeaks.]
A LA GR. There it goes There it goes ! Nothing
can fave thee, my gallant mafter This comes of your
reconnoitering Had you not better have been in your
tent, quietly breaking your faft^ than here, breaking
the heads of the Turks So, now he's difarm'd -Well,
nobody bid ye 'tis all your own fault Now, how
comely he looks with his arms folded, and his fword in
the hands of that beetle-brow'd Turk ! Pardie ! I feel
now as great a man as my mafter.
Enter ORLOFF, furrounded by Turks.
MULEY. Courageous Ruffian, thou art ours ! Could
.valour have faved thee, captivity and you had never met
Your emprefs, we truft, has not many fuch foldiers
in the neighbouring camp. Come, droop not, Sir,
this is the fortune of war.
ORLOFF. Had I been made your prifoner, whilft on
a poft of duty, I could have borne my lot A foldier
can fupport not only death, but even flavery, when a
fenfe of duty gives dignity to his chains ; but my chains
are bafe ones, for I reconnoiter'd without command,
and have loft my liberty without glory.
A LA GR. Then / have loft my liberty too without
glory, for I attended you without command, and now-
Oh, le diable! I am valet de chambre to a Have !
TURK. Let not that affeft thee ! The fortune of
war, which has wounded your mailer's pride, ought to
B 2 elate
4 ADAtlNTURKEY, 0*
elate yours, for you are now his equal both flaves
alike.
A LA GR. [Eagerly.] Are we fo ? And has he
no farther right to command me, nor threaten me ?
Kind Sir, tell me but that tell me but that !
TURK. None, none.
A LA GR. Hum ! [Puts his bat on, takes out bis
fnuff-box^ takes fnuff^ then goes to his rnajler, and offers
his box.'] Take a pinch, don't be my.
ORLOFF. Scoundrel ! [Throws up the box with
bis arm.']
A LA GR. Nay, no hard names let us be civil to
each other, as brother flaves ought to be And now I
think of it Hark ye ! I fuppofe your flaves take rank
according to their ufefulnefs.
TURK. Certainly.
A LA GR. Well then, my mafter I mean that
man there, who was my mafter, can do no earthly
thing but fight, whilft I, on the contrary, am expert at
feveral.
MULEY. Your qualifications ?
A LA GR. They are innumerable I can fing you
pretty little French airs, and Italian canzonettas No
man in Paris, Sir for 1 have the honor to be a French-
man No man in Paris underftands th~e fcience of th
powder-puff better than rhyfelf I can frize you in a
tafte beyond Oh, what you are all CROPS, I fee fore
fronts, and back fronts Oh, thofe vile turbans, my
genius will be loft amongft you, and a frizeur will
be of no more ufe than an oyfter-woman. Why, you
look as though you had all been fcaJp'd, and cover'd
your crowns with your pillows.
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 5
TURK. Chriftian, our turbans are too elevated a
fubjet for your fport.
A LA GR. Dear Sir, [pointing to bis turban^ and
then to the ground} drop the fubjecl, it will be a proof
of national tafte.
MULEY. Thy fpeech is licentious and empty; but
in a Frenchman we can pardon it 'tis national Tafte
However, if your boafted qualifications end here, it is
probable, you will be a flave as little diftinguifh'd as
your mafter.
A LA GR. Pardonnez moi ! I can do things he
never thought of You have heard the ftory of the
bafket-maker amngft favages ? I do not defpair of
feeing my mafter my fervant yet Courage, Monfieur
le Compte ! I'll treat you with great condefcenfion, de-
pend on't, and eadeavour to make you forget in all
things the diftance between us.
MULEY. He feems too deeply abforb'd in melan-
choly, to be roufed by thy impertinence !
A LA GR. Poor young man ! Times are alter'd, to
be fure ; and at prefent he's a little down in the mouth 5
but he's fond of mufic, cheer him with a Turkifti air
Helas ! all the air we have will be Turkifh now.
ORLOFF. Ah no! forbear your mufic, and bring
me your chains ! Drag me to your dungeons ! The in-
tellectual bitternefs of this moment cannot be increafed
by outward circumftance.
A LA GR. Chains and dungeons ! Why fure the
ghoft of our dead baftille has not found its way hither
Hey, Meflieurs ! Have you lantern pofts too, and
hanging MarquifTes in this country ?
QRLOFF. [angrily.'] Peace !
B 3 A LA
6 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
A LA GR. Peace ! That's a bold demand. Your
Emprefs can't find it at the head of a hundred thoufcnd
men, and the moil fublime Grand Signior is obliged to
put on his night-cap without it, though he has a million
of thcfe pretty Gentlemen to aiiift him Belides, Eng-
land has engrofs'd the commodity.
ORLOFF. Come, Sir, let us not loiter here I would
have my fate determined, and my mifery compleat.
Alas! is it not already fo? Yes, my heart has been
long the property of forrow, and it will never relinquifh
its claims.
MULEY. I mall lead you to the palace of the Bafla
Ibrahim it is in the neighbourhood of yonder camp
which he commands, what your fate may then be } his
humour determines.
A LA GR. Then I hope we fhall catch him in a
good humour, and what care I whether a Turk or a
Ruffian has the honor to be my matter ? Now you fee
the misfortune of being born a Count ! Had he loft
no more than I have, he'd be as carelefs as I am Come,
brother Have no ceremony, no ceremony, I beg.
[Exeunt A LA GREQUE pulls back bis
and walks out before him*
SCENE II. ROCKS.
[Enter PETER runs acrofs the Stage y is folloiv'd by
PAULINA Jbrieking they go off Two Turks purfue
and bring them back.]
TURK. Stay, flay, young ones ! it is but manners
to wait for your father >You fee he is hobbling up as
faft as he can.
PAU,
THE RUSSIAN. .gX.A V E S/ ,7
PAU. Aye, very true Oh, Peter, how could we
run away, and leave our father ?
PETER. Why, we only took care of number one,
and we have a right to do that all the world over. So
we are captives now then, and Haves in downright
arneft? );^
TURK. Aye.
PAU. Look at my poor father ! If your hearts were
not harder than thofe very rocks, you could never make
a flave of him.
Enter the FATHER, guarded by two TURKS.
FATHER, O my dear children ! Thofe flints which
wound my feet are not fo fharp as the wounds which
gafh my heart for you.
PAU. There ! Do ye hear ? O the miferies of
war ! I wonder war is ever the fafhion Pray, Sir, what
made the King of the Turks and our old Emprefs agree
to go to war together?
TURK. To give brave foldiers an opportunity of
running away with fuch pretty girls as you.
PAU, O fye on them ! I think if they were now to
fee my father and brother Peter, and I in this condition,
they'd be both afham'd of themfelves.
PETER. Afliam'd of themfelves! Don't talk fo
jgn'r'ntly. Excufe her, gentlemen, fhe knows nothing
of the world. She thinks Kings and EmprefTes are
made of the fame fluff as other mortals.
TURK. [To the Father.] Come, Honefty, cheer
up ! at the next village there is a waggon, into which
you and your family (hall be put, and carried to the end
of your fhort journey.
PAU. Laws ! A waggon whofe is it ?
B 4 TURK.
f A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
TURK. It (hall be your own for the prefent.
PAU. Our own ! that's droll enough ; fo we are
made flaves in order to ride in our own carriage.
[Exeunt.
SCENE. The Gardens of the Ba/a^ decorated
with Palm*) Fountains^ &c. in the Eaftern Jlyle,
Enter MUSTAPHA.
Mus. Where is fhe ? Where is fhe ? I don't fee her
here She's generally leaning on that fountain, looking
like the nymph of the ftream, fwelling it with her tears.
AZIM. [without.'] But I fay no do you mark me,
I fay no ^
Entering with two SLAVES.
Mus. Then I fay yes, do ye mark me ? What a
bawling you make What are you coming here for,
hey?
AZIM. To look for that infolent female flave, that
Ruffian, that I may manage her a little.
Mus. You manage her ! Your ill humour towards
her is never to be fatisfied You are as malicious as you
are high Don't I know how to manage an obftinate
female as well as you ?
AZIM. Ha, ha, ha ! All the knowledge that nature
cou'd contrive to pack into that little carcafe of thine
wou'd be infufficient for fuch a purpofe Manage an
obftinate female ! The greateft generals in the world,
and the greateft tyrants have been foil'd at it Leave
her to me I have difcretion fhe fliall be kept on
bread and water.
Mus. Mark his difcretion ! Keep a pretty woman
n bread and water to make her contented and kind.
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 9
AziM. 'Tis right, I'll maintain it to her teeth for,
firft, me is a Ruffian and a bear-^-
Mus. The beautiful Alexina a Ruffian bear ! Well,
fecondly ?
AZIM. She is a chriftian, and thofe chriftians are
the moft unnaturalift creatures in the world --Why, man,
they betray their friends, and love their enemies, ha, ha !
Mus. Do they fo ? Then flic's no chriftian for as
to loving her enemies, I have heard her fay to thy face,
that fhe hates thee So, let her be treated like an honeft
Turk.
AZIM. So fhe mail an honeft Turk returns hate
for hate, and fo, d'ye fee, her feaft fhall be a faft.
* [Goes off" at the top.
Mus, Take care of the orders I gave ye When our
mafter arrives, let no one be over bufy to fpeak of this
Ruffian flave if pofiible, I would have him forget that
fte is in the Haram.
SLAVES. We fhall be careful. [Exeunt SLAVES.
Enter ALEXINA from the top, follow' d by AZIM.
ALEX. Purfue me not, thou inexorable flave ! You
invade my retirement, you drive me from folitude, though
folitude alone can mitigate my forrows.
AZIM. Nonfenfe Solitude and retirement ! they
were made for birds of night ; owls may rejoice in them,
but women mould feek day-light.
ALEX. Day-light gives me no joy. Through eleven
weeks have I dragg'd on a torpid exiftence See ! (going
to a tree] here is the fad regifter of my days of infelicity.
My bodkin on its tender rind hath mark'd the return of
unhallowed SABBATH j the wounds now but juft
4. difcernible
s
IO A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
difcernible will deepen as the tree advances to maturity,
and fpeak in another age, the miferies of Alexina.
[Takes up a folded paper from amongji the Jhrubs.^
A paper .'poetry ! ah, how dcfcriptive of my own
fenfations which of my companions hath thus melo-
dioufly fung her forrows ? [reads]
I a poor captive feel each day
That flowly creeps with leaden pace,
Blefl freedom here ne'er lends her ray-^.
Her bright ftcps here, we never trace,
Oh that wild on fome high mountain
I could catch the wand'ring winds,
Or ftarting from fome defart fountain.
Emulate the bounding hinds !
The clouds that fwim in air's foft ocean,
Seem to fcorn my prifon towers,
Zephyr's light unfetter'd motion,
Deeper, heavier, makes my hours.
AziM, [fnatching the paper from her hand.~\ Such
a wailing about freedom and liberty ! why the chriftians
"in one of the northern iflands have eftablifhed a flave-
trade, and proved by act of parliament that freedom is
n blefiing at all.
Mus. No, no, they have only proved that it does not
fuit dark complexions. To fuch a pretty creature as
this, they'd think it a blefiing to give every freedom
and take every freedom.
AZIM. Come, come, be gay and happy, like the reft
of the flaves. How ftands your mmd to-day towards a
handfome
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES.. U
handfome Bafla? Our mafter is returning from the
camp The cefiation of hoftilities will give him a (hort
leifure, which he will certainly devote to pleafure and
his haram.
ALEX, Muftapha, do not let that unfeeling flave
talk to me thou haft humanity.
Mus. Would I could adminifter to his difeafe, it is
a terrible one ! the love of talking is in him an abfoluta
frenzy ! To filence him is impofiible but as I have
power over him, I can oblige him to retire Go !
AZIM. Go ! What, mall an infolent chriftian ?
Mus. Go, go !
AZIM. She fliall repent. [Exit,
ALEX. Doth your mafter indeed return to-day ?
Mus. Yes ; and all the women of his haram are
preparing for his reception they, half frantic with joy,
wonder to behold your tears.
ALEX. / am not a woman pf his haram [with dif-
Mus. But, charming Alexina, can you hope longer
to efcape ? To-day he will fee you.
[ ALEXINA Jlands a moment as tbo' Jlruck ; then clafps
her hands -with an aftion of defpair ; then turns.~\
ALEX. Oh Muftapha ! behold a lowly fuppliant.
\Kneeli\ She is of np vulgar rank who thus kneels to
you for protection.
Mus, For protection ! I am myfelf a flave Rife,
dear lady.
ALEX. \Rifing\ But thou haft power with thy
mafter. Oh ! invent fome excufe fay fomething to
fave me from the interview.
Mus.
12 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
Mus. I will confider I \mufic at a dijlance] Nay,
if it muft be fo, conceal yourfelf at once, for I hear the
mufic which announces his approach 5 and he will pro-
bably haft en hither.
ALEX. O miferable fpeed ! I go Muftapha, on
thy eloquence depends my breath The moments of
my life are number'd by thy fuccefs Prefs fearlefsly the
caufe of virtue, and glow with the fainted fubjeft.
Thus, tho' a flave, thy foul's high ftate
Shall prove its origin divine,
Soar far above thy wretched fate,
And o'er thy chains fublimely fhine. [Exit.
&Tus. Why, as to chaftity, and all that, which you
make an orthodox article of, fweet one ! we Turks
are a fort of diflenters a woman's virtue with us, is to
CHARM, and her religion fhould be LOVE. Ah, ah !
here comes Ibrahim, and his whole haram His
creed is love, and there is not a more orthodox man in
the country.
Enter LAURETTA and FATIMA [ha/tily.]
LAUR. Ah ! Muftapha, the Bafla is arrived full of
triumph, full of wiflies, panting to behold Alexina
What will become of her ? Where is {he ?
Mus. She juft now run off on that fide, and I fhall
run off on this for I have not fettled what to fay about
her, and BASSAS and TYGERS are animals not made to
be trifled with. [Exit,
FAT. Well, let that pretty melancholy flave feel as
{he pleafes I, for my part, am half out of my wits, to
think how happy we fhall be now the BafTa is come
back we fhall have nothing but whim and entertain-
ment*
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 1$
merit. Have you been looking at the new pavilion to-
day ?
LAUR. No.
FAT. O dear ! it is almoft finifhed. The hang-
ings are gold tiflue, and when our beautiful fofa,
which we have been making for him is fet up, and the
Bafla fees it all together, he will be tranfported. Do
you not think fo ? Hark ! here he comes with all the
enfigns of war at his heels. O no they come firft
I proteft I'll ftand here, and take a view of the whole.
[A march .is play'd. Standard bearers advance firft;
they are followed by female Jlaves, who dance doivn.
the Jl age to light mujic^ and exit. The chorus Jingtrs
follow ; female flaves Jlrewing flowers from little baf-
kets fucceedi the Bajfa then appears at tht top witb
his principal officers.]
Chorus. SELJM, LAUR. FAT. &Y.
Hark ! found the trumpet, breathe the flute,
And touch the foft melodious lute :
To heav'n let ev'ry grateful found afcend,
Thanks for our prince reftor'd,
Our lover, and our friend.
Vi&orious hero ! blooming fage !
The fcourge and glory of our age !
Lt rofeate pleafures round thy footfteps twine,
i And lead thee on to joy,
And blefs thy valiant line !
Vain breathes the trumpet, and the flute,
And loft the foft melodious lute,
When, Ibrahim ! thy praife they wou'd difplay.
Sunk in the lofty theme,
As twilight yields to day !
IBRA-
14 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
IBRA. Enough of praife, and of triumph ! A fweeter
triumph than your fongs can beftow, awaits me Where
is the lovely Ruffian, who, tho' my captive more than
two moons, I have not yet beheld ?
AZIM. We rejoice in our lord's return, that her
pride may be humbled. The infolence of her carriage,
and the perverfenefs of her temper, are intolerable.
IBRA, Thou haft feen her, Muley, does fhe juftify
Azim's defcription ?
MULEY. She is referved, my lord, referved and
melancholy but fhe is too gentle to be infolent.
AZIM. Muley knows her not Canft thou believe
it, mighty Bafla, the idea of furrend'ring her charms to
thee, and of being raifed to the honour of thy notice,
has never once foften'd her ill humour, nor abated her
melancholy.
IBRA. Indeed ! [Angrily~\ Bring her to me in-
ftantly yes, inftantly bid her come to my prefence,
and tell her No hold I will receive her in my hall
of audience, dazzle her with my greatnefs, and aftonifh
her into love.
LAUR. Ha, ha, ha ! Ha, ha, ha !
IBRA. Why that laugh, Lauretta ?
LAUR. Ha, ha, ha ! at your new invention of afto-
niming people into love. -If you can contrive to do that,
you will be the mod aftonifliing Bajbaw in all Turkey.
IBRA. How then ?
LAUR. Grandeur and dignity to infpire love ! Ha,
ha, ha ! they may infpire your pretty captive with vene-
ration and refpedt but veneration and refpecl: is an at-
jnofphere fo cold, that love ftarves in it.
IBRA. What then mufti do to touch her heart with love?
LAUR.
TH E RU S SI AN S L AV E S, 1$
LAUR. Affect humility, not greatnefs. You muft
become a fuppliant, before you can hope to be a victor.
IBRA. Doft thou fpeak truth, my pretty Italian ?
Thy country is the country of love, and thou ihould'ft
be an adept in the fcience.
LAUR. Yes j I know the hiftory of the heart, and
do aflure you, that you muft become the flave of your
captive, if you ever mean to tafte the fublime excefles
of a mutual paffion.
AZIM. [contemptuoufly] Mutual paflion ! Sir, fhe is
your flave, command her ! Such bafenefs may befit an
Italian, but a muflfulman is more fenfible to his dignity.
IBRA. I will hear you both further on the fubjecl:
The iron labour of the war is for a few weeks fufpended
and during that ceflation, Pleafure ! I am thine. Pre-
pare your banquets, compofe new delights, let every
hour teem with frefli invented joys, till I forget the toils
of the fanguinary field, and bathe my wounds with rofy-
finger'd love. [Exit with part of bis train.
FAV." Well, he's in delightful fpirits But how
ftrange it is that the Ruffian flave mou'd not have pre-
fented herfelf to welcome her mafter, and to give him
an impreffion of her charms.
LAUR. Stranger if fhe had, when nothing frightens
her fo much as the idea of infpiring him with a paflion
I am interefted for her, and it is for this reafon I fhall
endeavour to make Ibrahim purfue a conduct not ufual
from a mighty muflulman to his flave. [Exit.
FAT. Hark ye, Azim ! What makes your lovely
countenance look fo grim, when we are all fo gay ? I
declare your glum face fuits the day as little as a black
patch upon a gold robe Change it, man, change it !
and
l6 A DAY IN TURKEY* C R
and don't be afraid of lofing any thing by it, for yoii
muft look carefully to pick up a worfe. [Exit*
MULEY. Azim, fmce I faw thee laft, I have trod
the paths of glory I have flumbered amidft the frofts
of the night, I have toil'd amidft the ftreams of burn-
ing day ; but I return and find thee the fame. With
me all things have chang'd, but thou art unalter'd.
Thy temper, like the deep fliadow of the foreft, is fome-
times chequer'd by the dart of the angry lightning, but
the ferene cheerfulnefs of the morning dwells not with thee.
AZIM. Well, and what then ? If you like me not,
thwart me not. There's room enough in Turkey for
thee and for me. Let the crow and the vulture reft on
the fame tree ; but may thou and I live as far apart as
the ftreams of Ilyflus, and the waters of the Bofphorus.
SELIM. Surely thy evil difpofition muft be a fcourgc
*o thy foul it muft be affiilion to thee.
S O N G, SELIM.
Ah ! teach thy breaft foft pity's throb.
And harmonize thy rugged mind,
Ah ! teach thy lid foft pity's tear,
That gem of fentiment refined.
Could'ft thou once know the tender blifs
The fympathizing bofom knows,
When at meek forrow's facred touch,
Refponfive fadnefs round it flows-
No more thy brow wou'd wear that frown,
Thy glance no more fo fternly dart,
But joys Would glitter in thy eye,
And peace cling gladly to thy heart. [Exeunt*
1END OF THE FIRST ACT.
tHE RUSSIAN SLAVES* I/
ACT II.
-SCENE An Apartment in the BASSA'J Palace*
JBRAHIM difcovered^feated under a Canopy^ Officers and
Slaves attending*
Enter MuLEY.
IBRA. IS AY, Valiant Muley, where are your pri-
foners ?
MULEY. Waiting at your threfhold for admittance*
IBRA. Are they of rank ?
MULEY. I fufpeft one of them conceals his rank
with the hopes of lowering his ranfom the other is his
fervant.
IBRA. Bring them before me. [Exit MULEY.
Re-enter MULEY with ORLOFF and A LA CREOLE*
IBRA. Who are you ?
ORLOFF. A foldier.
IBRA. The enemy of our faith.
ORLOFF. The enemy of thofe only who oppofe the
interefts of my fovereign To chaftize them I this
morning bore a fword which your flaves won from me,
hardly ! Let them confider it as the nobleft acquifition.
of the day.
IBRA. Chriftian, this air of intrepidity, when amidft
the foldiers of the Ruffian camp, might have fiuted thy
C con-
condition ; thou art now a flave thyfelf, acquire thea
that humility which becomes thy ftate.
ORLOFF. Dishonourable ! I demand my liberty.
A truce has been proclaimed, and
IBRA. Not till after thou wert captured j thou art,
therefore, by the laws of arms, fairly our prifoner.
Give him the ilave's habit, and fet him to labour. Who
art tbou ?
A LA GR. Not a Ruffian, dear Sir, 'pon my ho-
nour, nor the enemy of your faith; I believe it's a
very genteel faith, and I have all the refpect in the
world for Turkifti gentlemen. I never faw prettier be-
hav'd, prettier drefs'd people in my life they have as
much politenefs and good breeding as tho' they were
my own countrymen.
IBRA. Of what country are thou ?
A LA GR. Oh, Paris, Sir, Paris. I travell'd into
Rufiia to polifli the brutes a little, and to give them
fome ideas of the general equality cf man ; but my
generofity has been loft ; they ftill continue to believe
that a prince is more than a porter, and that a lord is a
better gentleman than his Have. O, had they but been
with me at Verfailles, when I help'd to turn thofe things
topfey turvey there !
IBRA. Did you find them equally dull in other
refpefts ?
A LA GR. Yes. Finding they would not learn
liberty, I would have taught them dancing, but they
feem'd as incapable of one blefling as the other ; fo,
now 7 am led a dance by this gentleman [turning to bis
' mafler'} iato your chains, in which, if I can but dance
myfelf
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 19
myfelf into your favour, I fliall think it the beft Jlep \
ever took.
IBRA. The freedom of thy fpeech does not difpleafe
me.
A LA GR. Dear Sir, I am your moft obedient
humble flave, ready to bow my head to your fandals,
and to lick the duft from your beautiful feet.
IBRA. Ha, ha, ha !
A LA GR. Ah, ah ! $a ira ! f a ira / [fpringingj.
IBRA. Go, take thy late mailer into thy protection,
and fee if thou canft infpire him with thy own good
humour ; his chains will be the lighter.
A LA GR. Oh Sir, as to chains, I value them not
a rum j if it is your highnefs's fweet pleafure to load
me with them, I fhall be thankful for the honour, and
dance to their clink Blefs ye, Sir, chains were as na-
tural t'other day to Frenchmen as mother's milk.
IBRA. Take them away.
[Exit RLOFF, A LA GREQUE, &c.
IBRA. Well, Azim, where is this lovely Ruffian ?
Enter AZIM.
AZIM. Mighty lord, thy fervant dares fcarce pro-
nounce his errand. She refufes to come.
IBRA. How !
AZIM. I delivered your commands, I ordered her
On pain of death to appear inftantly before you, yet
(he ftill refufes. She talks of her facred honour, and I
know not what.
IBRA. \Paufmg\ Cold, unimpaffion'd, not to be
>wed> ajid a facred regard for her honours-Then, at
C 2 length,
40 A BAV IN TURKEY, OR
length, I (hall tafte the joy of overcoming RESIST-
ANCE, [with an attlon of pie a fur e\
AZIM. What means my lord ?
IBRA. I am fatiated, I am tired with the dull ao
quiefcence of our eaftern flaves, and rejoice that I have
at length found one, who will teach me to hope and to
defpair.
AZIM. Mighty BafTa, fhe will have the infolence to
defpife equally your threats and your love Punimment
cught to be inflicted.
IBRA. Beware how thou endeavoureft to weaken
her hauteur ! I will abate nothing of her inflexibility,
I will be enamour 'd of fcorn, her cruelty (hall be my
triumph.
Enter LAURETTA.
AZIM. I fay then, my Lord.
IBRA. What ! am I to be oppofed - retire, flave !
LAUR. Why do you not go ? have you not leave t$
depart ? Come, try the frefh air, Goodman Whifkers.
[putting him out by the Jleeve] I declare, my Lord, that
bufy medling flave is not able to conduct an affair of
jthis fort but, Sir, if you will follow my advice 3 I'll
Engage
IBRA. I'll follow no advice My heart fpurns at
inftruflionS) and equally contemns both your leffbns and
his
LAUR. Upon my word, he's advanc'd a great way
in a fliort time follow no advice ! [afule}
IBRA. There is a tranfport which I have never yet
experienc'd, but which my foul longs to poflefs Yes,
*iny heart languifhes to remove the timid veil of coy-
efs, to fpften by fweet degrees, the ice of chaftity,
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 21
and to fee for once, referve facrificed at the altar of
tendernefs; tbefe^ cruel Love! are luxuries thou haft
never yet beftowed on me. [Exit.
LAUR. So, fo ! 'tis dangerous to give fome people
a hint, I find I thought to have held the mafter-fpring,
and to have managed him like a puppet ; but prefto ! he's
out of fight before I knew I had loft him, and leaves
his inftru&or groveling behind I muft feek fome other
field for my talents, I fee. [con/tiering] Yes, I think, I
think that may do Muley, and the other four, with
our little Muftapha Yes, yes; with thefe half dozen,
I'll weave a webb of amufement to crack the fides of a
dozen gloomy harems with laughter Mercy ! what a
fleepy life wou'd our valiant Baflk and his damfels lead,
but for my talents at invention. [Exit,
SCENE The Garden.
Enter MUSTAPHA, AZIM, and FATIMA.
Mus. All thy malice is not worth that, [/napping
bis fingers'].
FAT. That's right, my little Muftapha, [patting
him on the Jhoulder~\ don't mind him ; he's never happy,
but when he's plaguing fomebody What has the pretty
Ruffian done to you, that you fhould be fo fet on making
her wretched ?
Mus. I tell thee Alexina (hall not be made mifera-
ble whilft I have a hair in my beard.
FAT. There, do you hear, Mr. Sour-Chops ? I am
fure if all the flaves who have the care of us, had your
ill-nature, I had rather fink down into the condition of
a water-carrier, than live in a great man's harem.
C 3 AZIM,
22 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
AZIM. I tell thee, that mould (he become the fa-
vourite flave, thou will repent thy blind prejudice We
(hall then all be in her power tremble at her revenge.
Mus. Tremble thou, whofe perfecutions will make
thee a proper object of her revenue for me, what will
flie have to return me but offices of refpecl: and kind-
nefs ? Go, go, thy turbulent fpirit makes thee hateful.
Voice [without] Fatima ! Fatima !
FAT. I'll come inftantly And you fhall come with
me. [running up to AZIM] Nay, 'tis in vain to refift,
there is a dozen of us in 'the next walk, and we'll mould
you into a better temper'd monfter before we have done
with you, I warrant. Selima ! Bafca ! come and help
me.
Mus. Begone, I fay.
FAT. O, what you move, do you ? The creature is
mended already. [Exit, dragging out AZIM.
Mus. So, my Lord Bafla, that hafty ftep, and that
eager look proclaim thy errand I know thou wilt
catch the bird at laft ; but I will keep the little flutterer
from thee as long as I can.
Enter IBRAHIM, \haflily\.
IBRA. Where is the Ruffian flave ? the women tell
me me fpends her hours in my garden, but I cannot fee
her here, though her fragrant breath feems to falute me
from the rofe trees, and her melodious voice from amidft
the bumes, where the painted fongfters pour forth thefr
ftrains. Where is {he, Muftapha ?
Mus. I faw her awhile ago at the right there fome*
where, but may be {He's at the left by this tim
There's no guefling.
THE RUSSIA N" SLAVES. 23
IBRA. Azim complains that {he is an infolent and
fcornful beauty, not gentle, nor complaifant in the lead.
Mus. I'll follow the lead, and deftroy every wiih he
taiay have to behold her. [a/ide] Yes, yes ; as to info-
lence, match me her fellow if you can Blefs us, to
fee the difference I Why, my Lord, our Eaftern beauties
are fo gentle, fo complying, they fcarcely give you time
to wifh
IBRA. Thou fay'ft right [fmling\,
Mus. Pretty creatures ! if a man does but look at
them, they drop like a ripe cherry from the bough-
No coldnefs, no difdain ; but as to this proud Ruffian,
it would be eafier to march an army to St. Peterfburgh,
and whip the Emprefs through a keyhole into your
baggage waggon, than to fubdue her petulance.
IBRA. Doft thou think fo? Oh, ev'ry word thou
uttereft gives new ardor to my hopes, new impulfes to
my defires I adore her.
Mus, Alack ! alack ! {with furprize],
IBRA. Oh, Muftapha, my imagination paints her
her till my heart grows fick with love ! I fee the beau-
teous fcorner dart living lightnings from her eye, and
her cheek glow with chafte difdain ; I weep in anguifh
at her feet, I implore her companion Melted with m^
love, yet ftill rigid and referv'd, I behold the bewitching
conflict in her foul I triumph in the difcovery, yet
conceal my delight, ftill implore, ftill complain, then
feize fome happy inftant, when her whole foul is touch'd,
and boaft a victory indeed !
Mus. What then What then, my Lord, you are
jiot difpleas'd at her haughtinefs ^
IBRA. Difpleas'd! [fmiKng]*
C 4 Mus %
24 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
Mus, So, fo, fo ! I have been driving on when I
thought I had been pulling back ; fpurring a mettled
courfer, and negle&ing the check rein [a fide].
IBRA. Go on to paint her pencil her in all her
fafcinating. pride, deck her in the coldnefs which dwells
on the polar Alp ! My glowing foul {hall burn at the
defcription, and blaze with the fiercenefs of newly tafted
Jove.
Mus. Why, as to that to be fure as to that, flie is
as cold as the Alps, and all their fnow-balls (he per-
fectly make's one's teeth chatter at her. But then
IBRA. What? [impatiently'] then what?
Mus. Why, if truth muft be fpoke, there is, after
all, fomething oddifh about her.
IBRA. Oddifh!
Mus. Why now, my Lord, look at me pray look
at me Ay, my Lord Bafla, examine me well.
IBRA. To what purpofe ?
Mus. Why, the ladies of your harem fay that this
fame beautiful Ruffian is exceedingly like me,
IBRA. Ridiculous !
Mus. Particularly about the nofe. flbra. Jhews im-
patience'] Nay, there are handfome likenefles, my
ord I don't fay but that fhe may be rather hand-
fomer.
IBRA. Thou art mad,
Mus. Not that ever I fawthe likenefs myfelf ex-
cept fomething in the fhape indeed But there I have
the advantage, for her right {houldcr, and her right ear,
have too right an understanding, they are always together.
Then her hair, to be fure it may fuit fome people, but
according to my fancy, the colour is execrable.
IBRA.
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 25
IBRA. Wretch, wert thou a chriftian, I fhou'd be-
lieve thee intoxicated with wine But I'll this inftant
feek the charmer, and judge how far [going off]
Enter SELIM on the oppofite fide.
SELIM, My Lord, a Meflenger from the Divan,
IBRA. [turns and Jlamps'] What fay'ft thou ?
SELIM, A meflage from the Divan with weighty
difpatches.
IBRA, I wifti they had been weightier ; that his fpeed
might have been lefs- Let him wait and be refrefhed,
\Jiill going}
SELJM. He is order'd to hurry your reply, and to
return without delay to the Sublime Porte,
IBRA. Impofiible ! I fay I would the Sublime
Porte were funk beneath their own lumber. [Exit.
SELIM, What is all this? What does the wind
carry now ?
Mus. [angrily"] Whims and oddities of all forts and
colours The humours of BafTas I find it is as impofli-
ble to guefs at, as at the weight of moonftiine.
SELIM, See ! Alexina is weeping in that arbour.
Mus. Blefs her ! And her cheeks through the
fliining tear, look like carnations when they are firfl
warned in the dew of the morning, Retire for a mo-
ment, [Exit SELIM,
Enter ALEX, from an Alcove.
ALEX, O Muftapha ! I have witnefs'd thy kindnefs
trembling and grateful But, alas ! what will it avail ?
The darknefs of night hangs upon my foul Hope has
forfaken 'me !
Mus,
26 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
Mus. Ay, that's becaufe you did not grafp her faft
Treat Hope as you would a favourite lover, Lady !
never lofe fight of it.
ALEX. Thou art light !
Mus. Even fo is hope as light as one of your own
country rein-deer and to carry on the comparifon, it
will whifk you like a rein-deer over all the bitter frofts
of life : Buckle hope to your fledge, and you will travel
over the tirefome wafte, difdaining the blaft, and fmiling
at the tempeft.
ALEX. O that I could feize her ! But how is if
poflible within thefe walls ? Thefe walls, the temple
of loofe defires, the abode of a tyrant and his flaves ?
Muftapha ! could'ft thou effect my efcape ?
Mus. There indeed, hope will give you the flip
for I could as eafily efcape into the air, and pluck a
Feather from the flying eagle, as help you in that, and
to tell you the truth, my mafter will not much longer
be dallied with.
ALEX. Dreadful words ! Thou canft not guefs at
their weight a tumbling rock to crum this worthlefs
frame, would not, could not give me half the horror.
Mus. She frightens me her eye is wild !
ALEX. I do fwear to thee, THEE ! to whom my
fruitlefs vows were paid, never to forget that I am thine
never to fuffer the flighted violation of our facred
love. This {drawing a dagger} is thy furety. To
be ufed in that moment, when heav'n itfelf will approve
the fuicide, when applauding angels will nerve my arm
to ftrike the blow! and this vow, I call thee, heav'n,
from thy higheft throne, to witnefs and record !
[Exit.
Mus.
THE RUSSIAN SLATES, 27
Mus. By my turban, I hardly know where I ftand.
Women of different countries have different fouls, I
believe ; and I am fure this is the firft time this fort
of foul was ever in a harem [walks a little^ and con-
fideri\. Come hither, Selim.
Enter SELIM.
Mus. Go to the JanifTary Heli, he has fent me no-
tice, that he has captured fome flaves and other mer-
chandize. Tell him I lhall be directly there, to look at
his Women and his velvets.
SELIM. So ! then we fhall have fome other females,
fate willing to plague us. I fwear of all the merchandize
our traders deal in, that of women is the moft trouble-
fome and unprofitable And our wife and puiflant Bafla
is as much out in his chart of courtmip, as he would
be in that of the moon. Why, he's as melancholy as
a moping Spaniard on the outfide of his miftrefs's grate,
D U E T T E. SELIM and MUSTAPHA.
Deuce take whining,
Pouting, pining,
What jokes in all this pother,
If one wont do,
Nor let me woo,
I'd fit me with another.
If blue eyes frown,
I'd turn to brown,
Nor lofe an hour in fighing,
Shou'd all the fex
Combine to ver,
They'd ne'er fee me dying.
SCENE
28 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
SCENE A wide Court with fevtral unfru/bcd
Buildings,
[Slaves difcover^d at work at a diflance. Two Jlaves
drive barrows acrofi the Jlage^ and go ojf^ followed
ly A LA GREQUE.]
A LA GR. Aye, wheel away, comrades wheel
away ! Hang me if / do though. I'll wheel no more
of their rubbifh. Let the Bafla dig his own dirt [over-
Jetting the barrow]. Why, the fun here in Turkey
feems to mind nothing but how to keep himfelf warm
[feating himfelf on the ground]. The poets talk of his
being a coachman by trade ; but hang me if I don't
believe he was a baker, and his oven is always hot.
I wifli he'd make acquaintance with a north wind now,
for half an hour, or a good ftrong fouth wefter, Lud,
hid ! how I do long for a wind ! If I was in Lapland,
I'd buy all that the witches of that country have bottled
up for ten years to come [/ings],
Blow, ye pretty little breezes,
Buftle, huftle midft the treefes.
Enter AZIM.
AZIM. How now, you lazy boar ! What are you
feated for, and tuning your pipes in the middle of the
day ? To work to work, firrah !
A LA GR. Tuning my pipes ! Why, I like to
tune my pipes and I don't like to work, good Mr.
Muflulman I don't indeed !
AZIM. Then you {hall fmart, good Mr. Chriftian
[Jhaking his whip.]
A LA GR. What, would you take the trouble to
fceat me fuch a day as this ? My dear Sir, the fatigue
wou'd
fetJssiAtf SLAVES. 29
kill you I can't be fo unchriftian as to fuffer it
gives him ajlroke']. Nay, if you ftrike, [getting
up] I ftand. Pray, Sir, what may be your office ift
this place ?
AZIM. To keep you and your fellow-flaves to theif
duty.
A LA GR. And who keeps you to your duty ?
AziM. Who ? why, myfelf to be fure.
A LA GR. Then I chink yourfelf is a very ill-ia*-
Vour'd fcoundrel, to oblige you to perform a duty fo
diftrefling to your politenefs.
AZIM. You are an odd fim !
ALA GR. No, I am one of a pair I have a twin-
brother juft like me.
AZIM. The man who was taken with you ?
A LA GR. No he has not fuch good fortune ; he's
a Ruffian count, poor fellow ! and was my matter.-
Gad, I could make you laugh about him,
AZIM. Well!
A LA GR. About two months ago, Mr. Slave-
driver, he was married.
AZIM. Well !
A LA GR. A pretty girl faith, and daughter to one
f our great Ruffian boyards a boyard ranks as a mar-
quis did in France, and as a laird ft ill does in Scotland
I love to elucidate.
AZIM. Well !
A LA GR. So, Sir, a few hours after the ceremony,
before the fun was gone down, and before the mooa
.had thought about drefling. herfelf for the evening-
Whip ! his pretty bride was gone.
A SIM. Where?
A LA
3O A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
A LA GR. That's the very thing he would get at
Ma'am and he were walking like two doves in the
boyard's garden, which garden was border'd by trees,
which trees were border'd by the fea Out fprings from
the wood forty Turks with forty fabres, and forty pair
of great monftrous whilkers, which fo frighten'd the
bride, that, inftead of running away, (lie fainted away,
and ftaid there.
AZIM. Hah, hah ! then my countrymen had a prize.
A LA GR. That they had, worth two Jew's eyes.
Six of them hurried off with her to a Felucca, which
lay at the edge of the wood ; and all the reft employ'd
my matter. I fuppofe they would have bad him too,
but the boyard, with a large party of friends, appearing
at the top of a walk, they thought fit to make off with
what they had. Well, my matter's bridal bed was,
that night, the beach, where he ftaid raving and beat-
ing himfelf, as tho' he took himfelf for one of theTurk-
ifli ravifliers.
AZIM. Ha, ha, ha ! thy ftory is well fo, all that
night, he walk'd in the garden Oh, and the night-
ingales, I warrant, fung refponfes to his complaints,
and the melancholy wood dove cooed in fympathetic
forrow. It muft have been very pleafant.
A LA GR. O, a pleafant night as could be j but
jt coft him a fortnight's lying in bed j for a hifling hot
fever laid hold of him j and the do&ors, with all their
rank and file of phials and bolufies, could hardly drive
him out of his veins.
AZIM. Well, now go to your labour [twirling him
round],
A LA
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. JI
A LA GR. O, my dear domine, I have not finiflied
yet. I want to tell you how he join'd the army, to
have an opportunity of revenge, and how, in all the
fkirmifhes we have had, he has drawn more Turkifh
blood than
AZIM. Go ! you are an idle rafcal, and would ra-
ther talk an hour than work a minute Go, or I will
draw fome of thy French blood to balance accounts
with your matter.
A LA GR. Sir, you are extremely polite ; the moft
gentleman-like, civil, courtly, well-behav'd flave-dri-
ver I have ever had the felicity to encounter [takes up
the barrow] My fervice to your Lady, Sir! [dzim
lajbes him off.]
AZIM. The time he mentions, about two months,
is about the period when our Felucca landed Alexina,
and his account tallies exactly with the account of the
failors Aye, it muft be fo Now, would it add to her
mifery to know that lier hufoand is fo near her ? I muft
confider, and me (hall either know it, or not, according
to the effe& which I think it will produce. I know (he
Jiates me, and let her look to it.
Enter ORLOFF.
My good Lord Count, pray be fo good as to fake
this fpade in your hand Dig you muft, and (hall I
have had the honor to bring down as noble fpirits as
yours to the grindftone before now.
ORLOFF. Inflift your punifhments ! to thofe I can,
iubmit, but not to labour.
AZIM. Why not? Has Nature made any diftinc-
between you and the reft of the flaves ? Look at
yourfelf,
Jfc A DAY IN TURKEY, bit
yourfelf, Sir ! Your form, your limbs, your habit ! ar
they in aught different from the reft ?
ORLOFF* [haughtily] BIRTH has made a diftinc-
tion!
AZIM. That I deny The plea of birth is of all
others the moft fliadowy, There, at leaft, Nature has
been ftri&ly impartial : the fon of an Emprefs receives
life on the fame terms with the fon of a peafant,
ORLOFF. Pride then, and Fortune, make diftinc-
tions.
AZIM, True ; but Fortune has deferted you, and
pray recommend it to your pride to follow her, that you
may, without trouble, attend to your bufinefs, Here !
take the fpade.
ORLOFF. [fnatckes the fpade, and flings it dawn]
There, if you dare again to infult me, I'll hurl thee
there, and tread on thee.
AZIM. Now, if the BafTa had not commanded me
to be gentle to him, I would have beaten him with
thongs till his broken fpirit brought him to my feet for
mercy : but if I can't bend it, I'll torture it, [afide]
So, you think to matter me, do ye ?
ORLOFF. I think not of thee. *
AZIM, No, I fuppofe. -Ha, ha ! I fuppofe your
pretty wife is r ; f
ORLOFF. My wife my wife Oh, art thou ap-
priz'd that I had a wife ? [AziM grins] Oh ! fpeak tq
me, tell me if thou know'ft her Nay, turn not from
me ! All the lineaments of thy face become important
if thou wilt not fpeak to me> let; me gaze on the?n, an4
there gather my fate,
AZIM,
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES; 33
AfciM. Well, gaze and gaze ! Can'ft thou there read
tier ftory ? Doft thou know whether {he breathes, and
inhere ? Doft thou behold thy lovely wife triumphant
in a feraglio, or fubmiffive in a bathing houfe ?
ORLOFF* Oh, villain ! monfter ! neither. By every
glittering ftar in heaven, if fhe lives, flie's chafte!
[paufes, and Jlrikes his forehead] Had I gold and
jewels, I would pour the treafure at thy feet, but now
have mercy on me Oh, I befeech thee, tell me i
Alexina lives*
'AziM. Ha, ha, ha ! if Alexina lives ! [laughs again^
then walks Jlowly off.\
ORLOFF. Nay, thou fhalt not avoid me I will
purfue thee, kneel at thy feet, perform the moft menial
offices, fo thou wilt tell me of my Alexina!
AZIM. [turning] Now, where are the diftin&ions of
thy birth ? Do they prevent thy feeling like the vul*
gareft fon of Nature ?
ORLOFF. Thou fhalt chide long, if thou wilt at
length fbften the anguifh of my foul Oh, hear me,
hear rne ! [Follows him out.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
ACT
34 A DAY IN TURKEY, R
ACT III.
SCENE I. The Garden.
A
Enter MUSTAPHA.
V-/OME along, I fay Why, what do you ftand
there for ? O the difference of women ! This is a
ftubbcrn one, I warrant her Though fhe faw me pay
down the money for her, fhe has not the leaft notion
that fhe's a flave Well, if you won't come, Madam,
I'll fetch ye. [Goes out and re-enters with PAULINA,
new-drefs'd.~\
PAU. Law ! how you hawl one I tell ye, I don't
like to walk here Let me alone. [Trying to difengage
her band.]
Mus. Come, come, Madam, none of your airs
You mnft here be obedient and civil Come along.
The JanifTary of whom I bought you, told me you
Was a good natured, cotnplaifant creature.
PAU. Yes, but he was not fo rough as you are ;
he made me throw away my peafant weeds, and gave
me all thefe fine cloaths. See this tiffany, all fpotted
with filver ; look at this beautiful turban He gave it
me all !
Mus. Why, that was only to fet off your beauty,
that you might fetch a better price j but I bought you
for. your good humour only. Here is a fweet woman"
wha
THE RUSSIAN SLAVED 3
\vho pines and fighs till (he puts one in mind of a
myrtle bloflbm, all palenefs and fragrance*
PAU. [with quicknefs] What's that to I ? I fuppofe
I {hall be pale and flagrant too, if I am to be kept
down'by you.
Mus. Who wants to keep you down ? Behave
yourfelf prettily, and you may live as merrily here as
iparrows upon a may-bufti. The gentle creature for
whom I bought ye, is your countrywoman, and I
guefs'd you might divert her with your fenfible prattle.
PAU. Ah, did you fo ? Why, you guefs'd as though
it was your trade then for I am the moft divertingeft
creature in our whole village, and if I could but fee
my father, and brother Peter
Mus. Well, if you behave difcreetly I'll buy
your father, and brother Peter.
PAU. Buy ! buy I Why, you talk of buying us, as
though we were bafkets of eggs, or bales of cotton.
Mus. Yes, it is the mode here Every country
Has its fancies, and we are fo fond of liberty, that we
always buy it up as a rarity.
PAU. What, did you buy all thofe ugly men that
I fee at work yonder ?
Mus. Men ! Make no miftakes, child It would
be death for a man to be feen here. None ever ven-
ture a foot within thefe fhades.
PAU. No ! why then do you venture here ?
Mus. O, as for me, I I hold your tongue,
[angrily] and make no impertinent enquiries.
PAU. But I will make enquiries. What do all
$hem there ugly men do here, I fay ?
D 2 Mus,
36 A DAT IN TURKEY, O fc'
Mus. Why them there ugly men were bought to
keep you pretty women in order.
PAU. In order ! Why what controul have they
over us ?
Mus. Oh, they are guards and fpies ; and are now
and then convenient at taking off a lady's head, or
fuiting her neck with a bowftring, when the whim
happens to feize a great man, of amufing his feraglio
with a tragic gala.
PAU. Why, what wicked wretches you all are,
then ! Get out of my fight, do ! You look fo ugly I
can't bear ye, and if I was a great man, I'd firing you
all together upon a rope that fhou'd reach from here
to Saint Peterfburgh.
Mus. Ah, you have a fpirit, I fee Hark ye, huf-
fcy. [feizes her arm.~\
PAU. O, dear heart, do not look fo ferocious ! I
really believe you are a female tyger.
Mus. Dread my claws then ! See, here is the'
gentle creature for whom I bought thee had fhe had
thy impertinence, ihe might have pined infolitude for
me.
Enter ALEXINA, \haJKly. ~\
ALEX'. Nay, but it is Impoflible ! And yet it is
fo ! Art thou not Paulina, the daughter of my father'*
vaflal, ' Petrowitz ? Alas ! thou art. Unhappy girl ?
what
PAU. Goodnefs, goodnefs ! If it is not the Lady
Alexina, may I be whipt !
ALEX. Dear Paulina, what dreadful deftiny brought;
thee hither ?
PAU.
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 37
. Deftiny do you call him ? [looking at Mujla-
pha] Why, this place is all full of dreadful deftinies, I
think. Some with black whifkers, and fome with
grey ones. Was it this little odd deftiny who bought
you too ?
ALEX. Alas ! thy queftion brings back fuch a rufli
of forrows Oh ! thou can'ft not be ignorant that I
was torn from my hufband within the very hour that
made me his, [weeps] and dragg'd from blifs to flavery.
PAU. I did not know that you was here but I am
monftrous glad to meet you here It is the luckieft
thing I have always been in luck !
Mus. Yes, that compliment is a proof of it. You
are vaftly lucky there ! Well, go on, and amufe her,
child I fhall enlarge your party prefently. [Goes out.']
PAU. The little body is as pert as though it was
five feet high But, for all him, I will fay, my dear
lady, that I would not but have feen you here for the
beft gown I have< Not even for this, though it is fo
fine.
ALEX. Hah, Paulina ! I fear that this drefs is the
mark of thy difhonor I fear thou art undone !
PAU. Undone indeed ! I think we are both un-
done j to be brought into fuch an odd, out-of-the-way
country as this 4ia, ha, ha, ha. I have been here but
an hour, and it feems an hundred- In one place a
parcel of copper-colour creatures, without tongues,
pop out, glaring with their fawcer eyes, and if you
want to talk and be a little fociable, ba, ba, ba, is ail
you can get I believe they learnt their alphabet of
the fheep Then in another corner
D 3 ALEX,
38 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
ALEX, [impatiently] Pray refer ve your obfervationx
I have queftions to afk, which tear my heart-firings
to pronounce Speak to t me of Orloff Oh, my Or-
lofF! Speak to me of my parents. Did they fupport
the moment which dragg'd me from them ?
PAU. Truly as bad as you cou'd wifh.- At laft
*t was faid that my Lord, the Count, went into the
army, and there he has play'd about him valiantly ! I
warrant he'll pay the Turks for robbing him of you,
though, may be, they won't like his coin.
ALEX. Oh, preferve him THOU, in whofe hand
remains the fate of battles !
Enter MUSTAPHA, with LAURETTA.
Mus. Here, I have brought ye Lauretta ; (he is a
girl of enterprize, and I have a fancy which her in-
triguing fpirit will bring to perfection.
ALEX. Alas ! how can flie ferve me ? Can flic
reftore me to my country to my hufband ?
Mus. Fear her not me has as many plots as
dimples j fo I leave ye together. Stand on one fide.
[To Pau. who is in bis way*]
PAU. Aye, on any fide but your's, Mr. Deftiny
[crojfes] I hope you and I fhall be always at contrary
fides.
Mus. So hope I, Mifs Nimble Tongue ! For if
you were always befide me, I fhould foon be befide my-
fdf. [Exit.
/ LAUR. Dear madam, look a little cheerfully I
have a thought in my head Hark ye, my dear [to
Paulina] you are a Ruffian, I find What fort of
lovers do your countrymen make ?
PAU,
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 39
PAU. How fhould I know ? I never had but three
One was old enough to be my father, fo, I ufed to
kneel down and afk his bleffing So, one day, he gave
me a curfe, and walked off. The next was a fchool-
mafter, and he had fuch a trick of corre&ion, that,
had I married him, I fhould have been in conftant fear
of the birch. The third was a foldier but as I nei-
ther liked to follow the camp, nor to live a widow
bewitch'd, I made him beat his march.
LAUR. Brava ! you difpos'd of them all like a
girl of fpirit, and yet, I think, had the cafe been mine, I
fhould have taken a march with the foldier I do love
foldiers. A regiment on its march always makes mj
heart fhiver to pieces amongft a thoufaad Caefars and
Alexanders, [To Alexina.~\ Has the Baila feen you
yet?
ALEX. He fent by Muley to command me to m's
prefence, but I will firft rufh into the arms of death.
LAUR. Ha, ha, ha ! fuch a refolution in this coun-
try ! Rather rulh into the arms of death, than into
the arms of a handfome lover ! the notion is exotic
it is an ice-plant of the North and our hot fun will
wither its honours, depend on't.
ALEX. [Scornfully.] Are you the friend who
was to foothe my forrows ? Alas ! where {hall HONOR
be honor* d) if the mouth of WOMAN cafts on it con-
tempt !
LAUR, Ah, pardon my levity, for I mean to ferve
you.
ALEX. In you^ the contented inhabitant of a fe-
raglio, fuch profanation may be pardon'd ; but alas !
in thp world, the gra.ce of chaftitv is fcarcely longer
P 4 acknow*
acknowledged ! I have heard the wife and the daughter
affix ridicule to the name. O virtue ! where canft
thou expet worfhip, when the fpeech of the matron
and the virgin unhallows thy facred idea ?
LAUR. I am not fo loft, but I can feel and thank
you for your reproof j and as the firft fruits of it, I
will labour for your efcape from a fituation, which, to
you, muft be mifery indeed ! But, madam, we muft
confer alone I intreat you to retire with me.
ALEX. Alas ! fo miferable is my fituation, that I
am obliged to accept fervices from thofe whom the
feelings of my heart wou'd impel me to fhun.
[Exit.
LAUR. [To Paulina^ who is following.] Ah ! not
fo quick, mifs ! Do you ftay here 'till I return Stir
not, I charge you. [Exit.
PAU. Stay here, indeed ! There is pretty good
care taken that one fhou'dn't run away. The walls
are as high as a cathedral, and fuch frightful looking
oddities prowling about, that a moufe could not run
from one fhrub to another without obfervation How
they all ftare at me ! So ! there's another of them-
He looks rather better than the reft but I {hall have
nothing to fay to him. [Regards her drefs^ tec.]
Enter IBR AHIM,/ allow' 'd byjlaves. He turns andfpeaks
to them with impatience.
IBR A. No more, no more of bufinefs. Let not a
thought of public duty here obtrude itfelf I have al-
ready facrificed thofe hours to it, due to a dearer caufe.
[The Jlaves retire.] And now for my reward ! NOW
will I feek the charming obdurate, nor ever leave
Hah!
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES, 41
Hah ! fhe is there ! The lovely fugitive I have
found her I have found her !
PAU. Heighe ! what (hall I do with myfelf ! I'll
gather flowers for lady Alexina.
IBRA. Yes, fhe has a thoufand charms, and my
heart is already in her chains. How dared Muftapha
deceive me ? He talked of deformity her form is
fymmetry itfelf, and her hair which he decried, is fit
for the bow-ftrings of the god of love.
PAU. Hang this fharp thorn, it has made my finger
bleed.
IBRA. [Advancing.] But you, charming Ruffian !
dill more barbarous, are born to make hearts bleed.
PAU. looks at bint attentively^ then tojfis her headfcorn-
fully away.] What a true picture they have given me
of her fcorn ! Will you not fpeak to me ?
PAU. [Looks at him again,] I wonder at fome
people.
IBRA. What doft thou fay? Oh, that mouth is
too lovely to be clofed fo foon.
PAU. [Talking to her flowers.] You are very
pretty, and you are very fweet, but you are not com-
pleat yet Good Mr. What-d'ye-call reach me that
flower that grows fo high.
IBRA. With tranfport ! [prefents the flower.'} Shall
I arrange them for you ?
PAU. Get along, do !
IBRA. Teach me to do fomething that may not
difpleafe you. . ,
PAU. Get out of my way, I fay.
IBRA. Do you know me ?
PAU. Not I, nor never defire to know ye I wifh
I was
42 A AY IN TURKEY, OR
I was out of this wretched place altogether, I knew
that.
IBRA. It fliall be the bufmefs of my life to make
you happy in it.
PAU. You ! ha, ha, ha.
IBRA. You are furely unacquainted with my rank,
and my fituation.
PAU. No, no I know that. Do hold your nen-
fenfe.
IBRA. \Witb difpleafure.'] Your haughtinefs I was
prepared to bow to, but I know not how to meet your
contempt.
PAU. Don't begin to redden at me I mind ye no
more than 1 do this fallow leaf There fee I blovr
it, and away it flies go after it there lies your way.
IBRA. But not the attraction You bid me go,
vrhilft your eyes chain me here.
PAU. Then I'll fhut them There now how do
you like me ?
IBRA. In vain you fhut your eyes, unlefs you cou'd
likewife hide that rofy mouth, thofe teeth, thofe fea-.
tures, that form ! I could love you though you were
blind.
PAU. Love ! What, can you love ? Such a hard-r
hearted Turkijh creature as you love ?
IBRA. Can I ? yes, to diftraction ! It is not pof-
fible for me to tell you bow I could adore you
Whole days wou'd be loft in gazing on your charms !
I could hang on your breath like the humming-bird
on the vapour of the rofe, and I mould drink your
glances, 'till my foul, fide with exce(s of pleafure,
4 would
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES: 43
would leave me fcarce power to murmur forth my
blifs.
PAU. Now, what can he mean by all that ? I be-
lieve a bimop could not talk finer ! \_AJide\ I tell ye
what, miller, you may make grand fpeeches about
this and that ; but I hate both you and your love ;
^nd if ever you teize me with it any more, I'll make
you repent, that I will [ftngs],
SONG, PAULINA.
You think to talk of this and that,
And keep me here in filly chat,
But I know, I know better.
There clearly lies, kind Sir, your way,
Purfue it then I humbly pray,
And me you'll make your debtor.
Why, blefs my ftars, it's very odd,
That here upon this harmlefs fod,
I cannot ftay in quiet.
But now you' know fo clear my mind,
Mayhap you'll leave me here behind,
The path feems wide, pray try it.
IBRA. . Charming fongftrefs ! I dare not purfue
her. How well (he knows the power of love, to treat,
with difdain the man in whofe hands is her fate !
Hah ! would I fuffer her thus to leave me, but that
at laft me rnuft be mine ! Go then, lovely tyrant,
indulge thy fcorn, and treat me like a humble flave-*
A moment comes when thou (halt repay me ! [Exit*
PAU, [Corning down] So ! he's gone !
Enter
4-4 A DAY IN TURKEY, O 1>
Enter ALEXINA, MUSTAPHA, aud LAURETTA*
LAUR. Hah ! fee what fweet flowers I have ga-
ther'd for you ! Why did you ftay fo long ?
ALEX. Oh, let me embrace thee !
PAU. What, all this for the flowers ?
ALEX. No, for hope for foft returning hope!
Paulina, the powerful Bafla is thy flave .He loves
thee I have witnefled your interview, and blefs that
fortune which has done for me in an inftant, what, by
a train of artifices, we meant to have procured.
Mus. Ah, but, you little rogues, 'tis I that have
done it, 'tis I that have brought about all this, though
like fome other great actions, more is owing to chance
than (kill.
PAU. Why, what have you done to be fo full of
your brags ?
LAUR. What, are you not fenfible of your happi-
nefs ? To have fubdued the heart of one of the hand-
fomeft, and moft powerful men in the empire ?
PAU. Men! What are you talking about? Oh
then, that handfome man is not one of thofe odious
creatures who bowftring us ? Laws ! how could I treat
the gentleman fo ? I'll run after him, and make it up.
[running off.]
ALEX, [following and holding her] Stay ! or you
undo me.
PAU. Well then, the next time I fee him, I'll tell
him that I'm aftiam'd of myfelf j and I'll try by all due
civilities to appeafe his anger.
ALEX. Oh, not for worlds Still you will undo
me, my fate is in your hand*.
Mus.
45
Mus. Hark ye, my pretty maid, our Bafla, like all
great men, has his fancies, he does not like too much
honey on his bread.
PAU, Laws ! Ha, ha, ha !
LAUR. If you wifh to retain his heart, you mujft
plague it if you are tender you'll lofe him.
PAU. Why, that's the way in my country too ; as
foon as our ladies grow fond, their lovers grow cold ;
for all the world like the little Dutch painted man and
woman in the weather box, when one pops out, the
other pops in never in- a mind.
Mus. Keep the leflbn in your mind, and you may
be a great lady only take care not to begin your pops
too foon. You fee fhe is apt.
LAUR. O, as a parrot ! Come, my good girl, you
fhall go to my chamber, and I will give you the pret-
tieft lefibn you ever yet learnt I'll teach you in half
an hour all the arts of a fine lady, and you fhall be able
to play on your lover as you wou'd on an harpfichord.
The whole gamut of* his mind fhall be in your pofief-
iion, and every note of it obedient to your wifh.
ALEX. Be attentive to her leflbns, my dear Pau-
lina j perhaps my honor, and my felicity, depend on
your fuccefs O preferve your own innocence, and be
the guardian of mine !
PAU. Preferve my own innocence ! Ay, to be fure
I will for my father has read to me in many a good
book, which fays, that a woman, when {he lofes her
innocence, lofes her charms, and that, like a faded
rofe dropt from the tree, the foot of every paflenger
will tread on her in her decay. O, who would lofe,
I their
46 A t> A Y IN TURKEY, OR
their innocence ! My dear lady, why, youf eyes look aS
bright again as they did when I firft faw you.
ALEX. It is becaufe Hope hath fhed its luftre on
them. [LAUR. leads off PAULINA.] My heart is
full j my veins confefs a warmer flow, and the bright-
eft vifions glide before me. O, nature ! thou who
haft made us capable of fo much blifs, why as it thy
decree that we fhall fink in forrow? Why muft our
joys be fo often fhrivel'd by the cold touch of indu-
rating DESPAIR ! , [Exit.
Enter SELIM and FATIMA.
FAT. Selim, was not that the Ruffian flave wh
departed as we enter'd ? Surely it was, and with a look
of pleafure !
, SELIM. Pleafure ! I am glad to hear it. I am fure
her melancholy has thrown a gloom over the whole
harem.
FAT. What an odd whim it is in our mafter to
grow fond of the mind of a woman ! Did ever any
body hear of a woman's mind before as an objecT: of
paflion ?
SELIM. I don't underftand it.
D U E T T E. SELIM and FATIMA.
Give me (you) a female foft and kind,
Whofe joy 'twould be to pleafe me (ye) ;
The beauties of her precious mind,
Would neither charm nor teize me (ye).
THE RUSSIAK * LAVE 5, Ay
The dimpled cheek, and fparkling eye,
To me (you) are wit and found fenfe j
And better worth a lover's figh,
Than ftores of mental nonfenfe.
The touch of honied velvet lips
Is reafon and bright fcience,
And he who at that fountain dips,
May fcorn the Nine's alliance.
'/ 3tl} 3P;
OF TTHE THIRD ACT,
ACT
A J>AV IH TURKEY^ <5 A
ACT IV.
SCENE I. A <j%uadr)inglt0n one Side of the
Square is a very high Garden Wall ; behind which
are heard frequent Burjls of Laughter A LA
GREQUE is feen moving from Place to Place^ trying
to peep through*
A LA GREQUE.
JD EVIL take the workmen who built the wall !
Not a chink or cranny can I find to fend in the thou-
fandth part of an eye-beam [laugh within}. TJwrc
they go again ! Oh, you fweet tit$ you ! I wifli I
was one amongft ye. [Enter a Turk^ and cro/fes*]
Hark ye, Mr. Gravity f Is there no getting a peep at
thefe jolly girls ?
TURK. No.
A LA GR. What, are they never fuffer'd to be
feen by a handfome Chriftian young fellow like me ?
TURK. No.
A LA GR. D'ye think they'd take it amifs if a
man was to venture his neck over the wall, to get at
them ?
TURK. No.
A LA
TPHK RUSSIAN SLAVE Si 49
A LA GR; D'ye believe the BaiTa would forgive
fuch an innocent piece of euriofity ?
TURK. No.
A LA GR. Egad, you manage your words dif-
creetly Are you afraid your ftock won't laft the win-
ter, fliou'd you fpend too many thefe fummer months ?
TURK. No.
A LA GR. Well done, my boy ! Since you are ("
fond of the word, I'll give ye a fong on the fiibjeft.
SONG, A LA GREQJUE.
A pretty gemman once I faw,
The neighbours faid he ftudied law,
When full of grief,
In 's hand a brief,
A poor man canie,
Good Sir, he cried,
Plead on my fide,
The lawyer cdrclefs anfwer'd No !
A rich gown'd parfon wou'd you afk
To do a charitable talk
For Tom and Suej
A couple true,
Who'd fain be tied,
With eye elate,
And fbut of ftate,
The parfon furly anfwers No I
Should
50 A DA YIN TURKEY, OR
Should lab'ring honeft low-fed Dick,
In fpite of ftarving, very fick
To doctor fend,
By fome kind friend
To beg advice j
He ftrait will fee
No hope of fee,
And ten to one he anfwers No !
A fenator you afk'd to vote,
The dear red book he knows by rote,
His country's good
He underflood
You had in view,
But (hou'd he find
No place defigri'd,
His bow polite you know', "means No !
To a young beauty wou'd you kneel,
And talk of all the pangs you feel ?
With eye afkance
She'll fteal a glance,
And blufhing figh,
But fliou'd you prefs
Her power to blefs,
She'll whifper forth a trembling
*-.
TURK. I like your fong.
A LA GR. I like yourpraife.
TURK. And to reward ye, I'll fhew ye a place,
where, by the help of loofe bricks, and good climbing,
I fometimes get a fquint at the girls ; though if it
was
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 51
was Icnowfy I ihould never fquint on this fide paradife
A LA GR, You areanhoneft fellow, and 'tis pity
you are a Turk but it can't be help'd, and 'tis to be
hoped a man may travel to heaven at laft, though he
never leaves the country in which he was fwaddled.-
Come along * [hurries him of\
SCENE II. The Garden.
nter female Slaves^ finging and beckoning to their com-
panions^ who enter from oppofite wings all the way up,
During the fong others enter, dancing to the mufic.
CHORUSOF FEMALE SLAVES.
Come away ! come away !
Companions fo gay !
Come away ! Come away !
Companions fo gay ! &c.
SONG, AND CHORUS.
This is Freedom's precious hour,
Welcome, airy, fportive Mirth ! .
We'll enjoy thee whilft we've pow'r,
Give to all thy whimfies birth,
JLet the crofs ones burft with fpite,
We'll ne'er heed their drugs or frowns,
Yary ev'ry fweet delight,
While blythe Joy our labour crowns.
CHORUS.
Come away ! &c.
E 2 A LA
5JI A DAY IN TURKEY, OR.
A LA GR. [from the top of the wall} Hah ! hah !
you little merry rogues, you're there, are ye ?
[The women jfhfiek) and all go off^ except LAUR.
and FATIMA.
LAUR* What audacity! Prefuming flave, do you
know the confequence of your temerity ?
A LA GR. Yes, I can guefs at it, that you are all
fet a longing, and are ready to afk me to come down
amongft you.
LAUR. You are impertinent. [Exit.
FAT. Do you hear, young man ? " you are im-
pertinent" Yes, you are an infolent, prefuming, au-
dacious fweet fellow, hang me if he is not. [Exit.
A LA GR. Ah, you fweet little faucy jade, come
under the wall, and blow me a kifs You won't ! Why
get along then, you ill-humour'd baggages Hah !
what, you look back, do you ? You'd better think on't,
and turn What, the grapes are four, are they ? Ah,
ah ! I underftand you this is a fine place for the
gypfies, hang me if it is not Thefe Turks have a
life on't Such fine girls, and fuch fine gardens
Whu ! who comes here ? This is another Yes, yes,
I'll turn Turk There's nothing like it, I fee.
Enter PAULINA.
A LA GR. Hark ye, pretty maid come this way.
PAU. Gracious ! where can that voice come
from? I fee nobody, [running about}
A LA GR. \ fay, you little rogue, if Why, how
can this be ? If my eyes are my own eyes, and if her
eyes are hers, it is Paulina, the daughter of old Pe-
trowitz,
PAU.
THE RUSSIAN S L-A V E S> 53
PAU. [Clapping her bands, ] As fure as that im-
pudent head was once on the fhoulders of A la Greque ;
w ho ever thought of feeing it on the top of a Turkifli
wall ? How came you amongft them ? Did they buy
you too ?
A LA GR. Buy me ! No, I was taken fighting in
a little fkirmifh, where I had only time to difarm half
a dozen Turks, and kill a few BafTas ; and now the
cowardly rogues have fhut me up here, for fear I
fhould do them further mifchief I believe they think
I have a defign upon the crown.
PAU. Law ! onjy think of it.
A LA GR. Didn't you hear that the Grand Turk
had offer'd a reward for my head ?
PAV. Your head f Why, what could he do with
it?
A LA GR. Faith, I had no inclination to enquire,
fo I took to my heels and carried it off.
PAU. Then how came it there ? [pointing."]
A LA GR. Didn't I tell ye that a whole army fet
upon me and my mafter, and brought us
PAJJ. Mercy ! is your mafter here, count Orloff?
A LA GR. Is he ? aye, lock'd up within the brazen
gates of this
PAU. Why, if ever I heard the like Within the
fame gates is locked up lady Alexina, who was ftole
from him by thefe odious Turks.
A LA GR. She here too ! Why, this place is like
the fick lion's den, where all the beafts of the foreft
aflembled together. }
Voices [without] Help! help! here's a man talk-
ing to one of the female flaves,
3 A LA
54 *
A LA GR. I'll prove ye a liar in your teeth [goei
down],
SLAVES enter.
ISM. WHere is the man to whom you talked ?
PAU. Man ! -Do men grow on" the buflies in your
country ? There is no other way of a man's finding
himfelf in this garden, I fancy.
ISM. I heard his voice Let us dfag her before
the BafTa. Go you and fearch the gardens.
2d. SLAVE, [dpart] Take care what ye do
This is the new flave whom we were "commanded to
treat with fo much refpect We (hall bring mifchief on
ourfelves Her word will go further than ours as long
as (he's in favour.
ISM. I underftand you [turning] I thought I
heard the voice of a man, but founds deceive one
it might be a bullfinch perhaps beg pardon for
the miftake, lady. [Exeunt SLAVES.
PAU. A man a bullfinch, ha, ha s ha ! Thefe ftupid
creatures might be perfuaded, I dare fay$ that a cat
was a green flipper. Well, how oddly things turn
out ! Little does lady Alexina think her hufband is
fo near her.-^-Hift ! A la Greque ! A la Greque !
[Looking towards the top of the wall] Pma ! he's gone
now Well, I'll run and blefs her with the news,
&nd then take one more lefTon for my behaviour to the
Bafla. I mall be able, after that, to behave as proudly
as though my father were a noble of the land Let me
fee How is it to be a fine lady ? Firft, I muft dif-
guife all the feelings of my heart But how can I do
fo without telling fibs ? Well, fine ladies don't mind
that. Second^ when he kneels^ I muft turn from
him,
55
him, or hum a tune thus [hums] Did you fpeak
to me, Sir ? And when the charming man O Lord !
I fhall never do it, as though I were us'd to it
When he attempts to kifs me, I muft complain of
his infolence, and walk away in this manner. [Walks
iff" fcornf ally.]
*
S C E N E, The Buildings.
Enter AZIM, with other SLAVES.
AziM. . Shall we ftand by each other, brothers ?
Will you be faithful ?
ISM. Aye, that we will ; ,we muft do as you bid
us You are over us. By allowing that, we generally
come over him. [To another.]
AZIM. Well then, you fee how the cafe ftands $
fhe is come wonderfully into favour, and will, with-
out doubt, be reveng'd on us, for the feverities fhe
receiv'd in our lord's abfence, The Bafia has juft
now threaten'd vengeance to all who difpleafe her.
SLAVE. Will it not difpleafe her then to be put
into a prifon r
AZIM. 'Tis likely it may but what is that to us ?
We can, whenever we determine to do fo, connive at
her efcape ; and if we allow her to leave the palace,
{he'll readily pardon the prifon ; fo, fhe'll be gratified,
and we fhall be fkreen'd,
ISM. Well, well ; let her be locked up as you,
faid, and then perfuade him fhe has efcaped.
2d. SLAVE. We can dig down part of an old wall,
and drop a ladder at the bottom, and then it won't be
doubted.
E 4 AZIM.
56 A DAY IN TURKEY, *
AZIM. Yes ; and that old tower will be a proper
place to confine her in ; then, if need be, fhe can;
hereafter be produced, for I don't entirely approve of
poifoning her.
ISM. No, not at prefent it may be more con-
venient hereafter [drily] Where fhall we feize her ?
AZIM. She is generally in the garden, and alone
it will not be difficult if we watch for a moment
when Muftapha is abfent,
SLAVE. Here's fome one coming.
AZIM. Then let us difperfe feveral ways. People
who have a plot in hand fhould never be feen together
A flight of crows always proclaims a carcafe.
[Exeunt fever ally.
Enter ORLOFF, followed by A LA GREQUE.
ORLOFF. Purfue me not, thou contemptible wretch !
My forrows are too profound to be interrupted by re-
fentment at thy folly Oh, moft inhuman fate ! To
know that my Alexina lives, to know that fhe exifts
in this province, and not to know where My chains
are become heavy indeed ! They are infupportable !
A LA GR. Let me lift them for you, Sir I can,
make them jingle lighter.
ORLOFF. Begone, I fay.
A LA GR. Well, I'll go People often drive their
good fortune from them, like you. I fhall only fay,
as I was faying before, that this houfe has a garden,
and that this garden has a wall.
ORLOFF. Oh, my charming bride ! could I but
cheer thee by my voice, could I but leflen thy anguifh,
\>y fpeaking to thee my own,
A LA
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 57
A LA GR. Well, a wall What is a ;// to me ?
OR LOFT. Could I, each morning, when I greet its
behold but thee, I could bear to live even in this
>wretched ftate, and every heavy night 1 could creep
to my ftraw pallet with lefs defpondency, having firft
receiv'd from thy fweet eyes, farewell J
A LA GR. To be fure the wall is a high wall, and
a ftrong wall ; but it is but a wall.
ORLOFF. If thou dareft mention the wall again.
A LA GR. Well, I won't then j but was I to tell
you, my Lord, what that wall contains, I really believe
you'd forgive all my faucinefs for ten years to come.
ORLOFF. Surely thou haft a meaning ! What
yyould'ft thou fay ?
A LA GR. A meaning ! Aye, fuch a meaning !
ORLOFF. Oh, trifle not !
A LA GR. Why then, in two words, I have climbed
the garden wall, and who do you think I faw in the
garden Who do you think ?
ORLOFF. Oh fpeak ! [gt'afping his hand] Speak !
my foul hangs upon thy words Could'ft thou but
know what I feel !
A LA GR. Then, my Lord, there, as fure as you
loft your bride on the day of marriage, there J faw the
fair Paulina, daughter of old Pctrowitz,
ORLOFF. Oh ! [drops]
A LA GR. Mon Dieu ! if the joy of that has been
too much for him, how would he have borne it, if I
had feen his wife ? [goes to him] My Lord~my Lord !
Why he's as pale as death I dare not tell him now
fhat Alsxina is within a hundred yards of hiro.
ORLOFF.
58 A DAY IN fURKEY, OR
ORLOFF. Bitter, bitter difappointment ! it has been
a ftab to my heart Barbarous wretch ! [rijoig and
felting him] to raife and feed my hopes with fuch artful
cruelty, and then but why do I talk to thee ? - [Exit.
A LA GR. So ! what he is difappointed then ! Why
if he would but have had patience, I was juft going to
tell him that his wife but hang patience ! 'tis a fcurvy
virtue, and not fit for a gentleman. / have no pa-
tience to know there are fo many fine girls caged up
here for that greedy DOG the Bafla. I'll try to pick a
bone with him, though ; and. if I can once lay hold
ef one of his pullets, he mail find it as difficult to get
her out of my fangs, as it would be to make a judge
dan.ce> or a bifliop cut capers. [Exit.
SCENE, The Prifon*
[Foices are heard without, ALEXINA Jhrieks.']
AZIM. [entering] Stop her mouth, and drag her in*
is dragged in her hair diJhevelFd.']
ALEX. Menfrers ! if ye are of the human race, defift
O drag me not from day, and from my hufband !
AZIM. This is your habitation, Madam, make the
beft of it.
ALEX. At whofe command is it my habitation ?
What is my crime ? You act without the knowledge
of your Lord and if you do, doubt not his vengeance f
O, it is hot pciiible that he can authorize this cruelty !
AZIM. Come, come, Madam, a few weeks fpent
here will quiet you a little Your forrows won't be
half fo violent a fortnight hence as they are now Let
that comfort you-
ALEX.
?HE RUSSIANS LAVES* $9
ALEX. A fortnight ! Oh, it is an eternity ! Death
is nothing to this. Dragg'd at fuck a moment from
light, and health, and hope ! [ running %vild!y about} O,
Azim, my HUSBAND is here my HUSBAND is at hand !
AZIM. Then let him get ye out, if he can.
ALEX. O, beft of men, hear me! [kneeling] Tell
him only that his Alexina is here, that he may walk
round my prifon, that I may hear his fteps through the
chinks of thefe difmal walls, and my foul fhall blefs
thee.
AZIM. Oh, you are mighty humble now j yet you
know what infolence I have borne from you.
ALEX. I meant it not Oh, forgive me, forgive
me ! Here, take this ring, let it purchafe my forgive-
nefs. {r'ifing~\ It is rich, but not half fo rich as mail
be thy reward, if thou wilt be my friend" if thou wilt
pity me !
AZIM. Well, I am fo far foften'd that I permit thee
to ufe the apartment next to this It has more air and
light I'll unlock it its laft. inhabitant had it fourteen
years, [whilft he goes to unlock it, ALEXINA clafps her
hands, and fixes her eyes wildly'] There ! you fhall each
day have your allowance of food regularly brought ;
but whether you are. ever releafed or not, depends on
yourfelf Be patient ! That only can ferve you.
ALEX. Patient ! Oh yes, I'll try to be patient,
though much I fear my brain will be difturbed.
AZIM. Well, you'll be difturbed by nothing elfe
Your apartment will be quiet enough, whatever
your brain may be Come, Madam. [Puts her /,
and Jhuts the door.'] There, (he's fafe, and that makes
us
6O A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
us fafe. Now, let us go and fix the rope-ladder, and
then fwear flic has efcaped. Comrades ! They talk
of countries, where, what we have done, might be
puniflied by the law but we fear no punifhrnent while
we can deceive our matter. [Exeunt^ laughing.
CF THE FOURTH ACT.
ACT
THE RUSSIAN SLAVE 8. 6 1
A C T V.
SCENE,
. A fpacious Apartment in the Harem.
Enter PAULINA, running from the Top.
PAU. [Looking back,] THE fweet man follows me
ftill. Hah ! Lauretta little thinks the difficulty I have
had to behave to him as tho' I hated him How hard
it is when one fees a great gentleman, and fo hand-
fome withal, ready to die at one's feet, to be forced
to be fnappifh and ill-natur'd Laws ! he's coming
here Which way mail I run next ? [Looking about. ]
IBRA. [Entering] Oh, fly me not yet fly ! Even
the diftance you throw me at gives you a thoufand
charms, and whilft it tortures, it bewitches me.
PAU. [dfide] I do like to hear him talk.
IBRA. You fmile ! Ah, did you know the value
of thofe rofy fmiles, you would not beftow on me
more than one in a thoufand hours 'Each is worth a
diadem.
PAU. I fuppofe you hope by all this to make me
forget I am a captive, and a flave [pretending to cry,
then turning away, laughing],
IBRA. You can be neither It is I who am your
flave You hold the chains of my deftiny Ha ! let
me catch your tears !
PAU.
62 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
PAU. I tell you once again, that I ' can never be
happy here I hate the life people lead in harems All
is difmal, not even a window to the ftreet ! Nothing to
look at but trees, and fountains, and great whifkers,
and black flaves.
IBRA. Could I but have the tranfport to touch
your heart, all thofe objects would give you new im-
preflions This hated harem would feem transform'd,
$md would become an enchanted palace of pleafure.
PAU. But I tell you, I will never fuffer my heart
to be touch'd. It is very hard that I muft belie my
confcience fo, my heart leaps eyery time I look at
him. \_Afide.']
IBRA. Who knows what perfevering, conftant
love may do ? You may at length be foften'd, at
length Oh raptuf*e \ confefs the delicious pain !
PAU. \^Afide\ I long to confefs it now, if I might
fpeak out.
IBRA. Moft charming creature, deign but to look
on me, fay only that I am not hateful to you.
PAU. Aye, that would be the trueft word I ever
fpoke [aftde'}. But I will fay that you are hateful to
me, and I do declare, if you ever fpeak to me about
love again I I don't know what may be the con-
fequence I muft get away, -or all my fine leflbns will
be forgot \afide\. In that room yonder I fee ladies
finging and playing ; but don't you come to us now,
I charge you I will not have you come, or if you
<lo come in half an hour, not a word [looking back~\-
No, not one word about love. [Exit.
IBRA, Oh, if there is language in eyes, her words
are falfe Her lips forbid my love, but her eye in-
vites
IT HE RUSSIAN SLAVE*. 6j
vttes it Charming fex ! who know how to make re-
futed blifs ; and who can give delight even in denying ?
Half an hour did fhe banifli me Oh, I'll follow her
inftantly Every moment fpent where fhe is not, is a
moment not to be counted in my exiflence. [Going
Naif: behind.] Ha! what noife is that? [Puts his
band is bis fcymetar.] The founds of violence in the
bofom of my retirement !
ORLOFF. [fFjtkeut*] Bafe flaves, in vain you op-
pofe me ! Were your matter furrounded by inftru-
ments of torture, and minifters of vengeance, I wou!4
force my way.
[Fwasig fa, Slaves endeavouring to withhold him after
thezn^ MULEY enters.
IBRA. [Furatly.] Your way? What, here? Thofe
apartments, chriftian, are facred ; and did not I pay
fome regard to your fame as a foldier, and your rank
in the Imperial army, by Mahomet, your life's quick
fhream fhouid pay me for the infulk
ORLOFF. Talk not of life, dishonourable man!
Reftore to me my bride Reftore but canft tfyou re-
ftore her ? Oh, canft thou reftore to me the SPOT-
.LESS angel, whom heaven's mofl facred ordinance
made mine ?
IBR.A. Wretches ! allow a madman to invade my
retirement.
ORLOFF. Thy retirement ! Thy life, bafe Turk 1
ihall be invaded. No madman, but an injur'd huf-
!>and ftands before thee ! Reftore her ! Give her back
to me chafte as that morn, when trembling, blufhing
from the altar, I led her to parental fields That morn
.imbleft,
2
$4- A b A Y I tf TURKEY, O
IBRA. Slaves ! fpeak, declare whom 'tis he mean&
or dread my vengeance A fear hath feiz'd my foul}
that curdles all my blood Should it be fo -fpeak !
[Furioujly .]
MULEY. Mighty Bafla ! We fear he means thf
lovely Ruffian, who adorns your harem.
IBRA. Ah ! [wildly] Is {he his wife ? Chriftianj
art thou the bujband of the beauteous Have I love ?
ORLOFF* Love ! Dar'ft thou give birth to firch a-
phrafe ? Love ! Oh that the words had fcorpion's teetli
to tear the throat which utters them !
IBRA. And art thou O curft difcovery ! It is too
true My heart tells me it is true, and hates thee for
the conviction. Tear him from my prefence I dread
the energies of my own temper tear him away, left
I fhou'd ftain my honor with the blood of her hufband
whom I adore.
ORLOFF. I will not ftir Give way to all your
vengeance Vengeance would now be mercy*
IBRA. Amidft the agonies I fee thee in, thou art
my envy ! She is thy wife, fhe furely loves thee, and
pants to be reftor'd to thy arms By what tortures
Would I not purchafe with fuch a blifs Bear him off^
I command Yet hurt him not, but drag him from
the harem.
ORLOFF. At your peril, flaves.
[They drag htm off.]
IBRA. And now, oh wretched Ibrahim ! what fe-
mains for thee ? A moment fince, the fruit of felicity
bent down within thy reach ; the branches were loaden
with happinefs, and thy joys bloom'd forth in tender
bloffoms 5 but a hurricane is come, the tree is torn up
9 ty
f H E RUSSIAN SLAVES. 65
by the roots, and its fruits are devour'd by difappoint-
ment.
TURK. Mighty Lord ! is not the beauteous flav
Within thy power ?
IBRA. Within my power ! NOJ fhe is removed
from it for ever. As my Have, I have undoubted
fight over her; but us the wife of another, (he is
facred.
MULEY. Then remove her from yofar prefence,
and give her back to her adoring hufband.
IBRA. Never ! O virtue^ in exacting that, thy
commands are too rigorous. Never, never can I fend
her from me-^-1 will go this moment, and at her feet
~Oh, I dare not If I fee her I am loft All barriers,
human and divine, wou'd fink before me Beholding
her within my grafp, and the dread of lofing her,
would be a conflict in which / fhou'd be loft, and /he
Would be undbrte ! I fly from her I tear myfelf from
the fweet enchantment Oh wretch edhuiband, I aflume
voluntarily the miferies I have beftow'd on thee !
[Goes off iv'tldly ; en the fide oppoftte that, at which
PAULINA went.}
TURK. What ! run away from the woman he loves,
when me is in his power ! She is bis, and I would force
her to make me happy.
MULEY. His generous fpirit would abhor the
deed ! What, though his paflions are headftrong as the
mighty north, which ftiakes ths pyramid to its bafe, and
lifts the rooted foreft from the embracing earth, yet
will REFLECTION like a celeftial minifter arrive, and
courge from his foul each fpot and fordid tint, that
virtu* ought to fcorn, or manhood blufli at. [Exeunt.
F Enter
66 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR.
Enter FATIMA, and another Female Slave.
FAT. Ah ! this room is luckily empty. So, bring
in the Bafla's feat We'll fet it up here before it goes
to the pavilion i that we may judge of it Come,
make hafte. [fpeaking to tbofe without]
[Two or three bring in between them a light Jlool> on
which if a white fattin cover ing^ ornamented with
fejloons y another brings a fmall white fattin mat"
trafe, trimm'd with gold fringe."]
FAT. There, fet the ftool juft there Now put
on the covering Give me the mattrafs There, do
you' fee how nicely it fits ? Now bring the canopy.
[Slaves bring in a canopy ornamented with fef-
toons, gold fringe , and tajfils.]
Fix it juft here There that will do Is it not
pretty ? [walks round it~\
2d. SLAVE. It is delightful ! How charmed the
Bafla will be when he fees it in his pavilion at fupper ;
and he will praife both our induftry and our tafte.
FAT. Mercy ! what's that noife ? Why here-
comes that impudent flave who was hanging over the
garden wall.
fnter feveral female Slaves hajlily^ followed by A LA
GREQUE.
A LA GR. My dear pretty little creatures, why d
you fly from me at this rate ? Grant me one kifs to
fave my life, for I am famifh'd.
FAT. That kifs would coji thee thy life, fhould i
be known.
A LA
Tttt RUSSIA!* SLAVES. 6/
A LA GR. Known! [getting to a fmall dijlance i
and /peaking in rant] Madam ! what do you take me
for ? Do you think that I, Madam, am a man to betray
a lady's favours ? I, who have been well receiv'd by
duchefles and marchionefles ?
FAT* [interrupting him] Duchefles and Marchio-
nefles ! What are they ?
A LA GR. [in bis ufual tone"] They were a fort of
female creatures^ my dearj who once infefted Paris.
FAT. And where are they now ?
A LA GR. Now, my fweet eharmef, there is not
one in the country, I mean of native growth ; and if
the neighbouring nations do not now and then fend
them one for a fample, a duchefs will be as rare an
animal in France, as a crocodile,-^ You fweet fellow !
[throwing bis arm round FATIMA.]
FAT. You bold fellow ! [breaking from him] Why
you are quite at your eafe.
A LA GR. I always am; and I'll fit down on
this pretty feat, and be quite comfortable.
FAT* You muft not fit there -it is a feat made on
purpofe for the Bafia. [Two or three endeavour to pre-'
vent him.}
A LA GR* Well, can't you fancy me the BaflTa ?
[Sits.]
Enter LAURETTA.
LAUR. Mercy! mercy! What, a man amongft
ye ? are ye all bewitched ?
A LA GR. No; they have only bewitched me
Ah! you lively little rogue, [flying to her~\ Come-
here, and fit down by me, and you fhall be my Bafla-efs.
I like you beft of all.
F a LAUR,
3 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
LAUR. If you like- your own life Fly fwiftcr than
the light.
A LA GR. [rifing] With you any where.
LAUR. Stranger, this is no place for gallantry, or
for jefting j are you not afraid of death ?
A LA GR. Afraid of him ? No Death is an arif-
tocrate ! and I am bound, as a Frenchman, to hate
him.
AZIM. [without] Search every where, I fay He
muft be hereabout I faw him afcend. Come this
way.
LAUR. There ! Now your careleflhefs or your
courage will be equally ineffectual. Unhappy ftranger,
you are on the threfhold of death.
[TJie Jlaves clap their hands, and feem agonized.
ift. SLAVE. We too are loft !
A LA GR. Not unlefs / am found. What a dozen
women without a trick to fave one man ! Ah ! I am
fenfible of my imprudence too late. [Throws himfclf
on his knee*) turning firft to one, then to another.] Oh,
fave me ! fave me !
LAUR. What fignifies your kneeling? yet,' it
Jhall fignify Lower ! [pufhing him] Lower ftill ! reft
on your hands Reach that covering quick quick !
[They cover him with the drapery, mattrajs, &c.
and place the canopy behind him.
AZIM. [Without] Come this way then here he
muft have entered. [Enters, with others.'] Fly all
of ye hide yourfelves A man is fomewhere in the
harem.
LAUR. And what are we to fly for ? Is a man a
tyger, that we (hou'd be fo feared ? Who is he ?
AZIM*
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES.' 69
AziM. The new French flave Frenchmen, there
k no being guarded againft. They make free every
where.
LAUR, At leaft they have made themfelves free
AT HOME ! and who knows, but, at laft, the fpirit
they have raifed may reach even to a Turkifli harem,
and the rights of women be declared, as well as thofe
of men.
AZIM. Don't talk to me of the rights of women
you would do right to go and conceal yourfelves as
I order'd ye You, Ifmael, and Hafez go and fearch
the inner apartments, I'll wait here, with the reft, to
intercept him, {hould he efcape ye.
[Two Jlaves go off".
LAUR. O, we'll intercept him, never fear you'd
better follow the reft. \PuJhing him.']
AZIM. I choofe to wait here, and I'll fit down,
for I'm horridly tired.
LAUR. Pardon me, Mr. Azim I am going to fit
there myfelf. [Sits y on A la Greque*]
AZIM. I fay 7'11 fit there, Madam, fo get up.
LAUR. I wonder at your impertinence. Surely
we may keep our feats, though we have loft our 1U
berties.
AZIM. I have been walking ever fince fun-rife.
LAUR. Then walk till it fets-^-Motion is health-
ful.
AZIM. I fay I will fit down. Give me the feat.
LAUR. A fit-down I would give you with all my
heart, and fuch a one as you fliould never forget \ but
(his feat you (hall not have.
F 3 AZIM.
A DAY IN TURKEY, OR"
Say you fo I'll convince you in a mpment.
[Gees to LAURETTA, andfeizes her band to pull
her up.
ISM. \Hltbcut'] We have found him We have
found him There is a door faften'd on the inflde-r-
He muft be there,
AZIM. Hah! follow follow Now, we'll fhew a
Frenchman what liberty is in Turkey.
[Exit with fbe male Jlaves. LAURETTA rifes.
A LA GR. [Getting up with the covering about him]
That fellow is certainly defcended from Cerberus, or
an Englifli maftifF. My precious burden, how ihall I
thank you ! Jupiter, when loaded with Europa on his
back, was not half fo much charmed with her, as I
am with you. [Slaves fpeak without.
LAUR. Wafte not an inftant They are return-
ingBegone !
A LA GR. Well, good bye then, and heav'n blefs
ye all, and fend to each LIBERTY and a HUSBAND !
[They pujh him off.
ad,. SLAVE. What a kind man he is ! How happy
muft Frenchwomen be to have fuch lovers for huf-
bands.
LAUR. Yes, my dear, they wou'd be fo ; but un-
luckily hufbands forget to be lovers Let us run and
appeafe Azim, you hear he is loud, and his vengeance
may fall upon us Hafte hafte !
[gxtunt hajlily> all but FATIMA.
FAT. I'll make no hafte. about it. [Looking round
jrrefolutefy.J Hang me if I don't try to change a wojcd
or two with that agreeable Frenchman I fhou'd
like to know a little pf their cuftoms Such an op-
portunity
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 71
portunity can't happen above once in one's life So,
Monfieur Azim, ha, ha, ha ! What a fool he is
now. [Exit.
SCENE, The Garden.
Enter IBRAHIM from towards the Top, thoughtfully, fol-
low'd at a fmall Dijlance by MULEY. Hefighs deeply.
MULEY. Alas ! my Lord, dare your flave offer
you confolation ?
IBKA. I can receive none.
MULEY. I know that in afflictions like your's,
there can be but one fupport, that is in virtue- there,
my Lord
IBRA. [Interrupting"] Yes, I have refolv'd ! She
{hall be facred her chaftity for ever inviolate ! and
perhaps, \Jigbing\ perhaps I may hereafter reftore her
to her hufband,
MULEY. That will be a moment of triumph to
yaurfelf.-*-When magnanimity thus conquers affliction,
affliction may be envied. Such a moment is the im-
primature of heaven on the purified heart it is the
exaltation of virtue.
IBRA. O VIRTUE ! when I can do that, thou may'ft
boaft a victory indeed ! When I can refolve no more
to look on the foft radiance of her eyes When I can
refolve to behold no more the natural and unartfuj
graces that adorn her When I fhall feek thofe groves
in vain for that 4ear form j when I (hall liften, and
hear her voice no more then, then, O virtue * thou
may'ft boaji thy. triumph. [After a paufe.] Leave
F 4 me,
72 A DAY IN TURKEY, OR
me, for night and folitude beft fuit the colour of my
mind. [Exeunt.
[ORLOFF appears at the top of the wall, where A LA
GREQUE bad before been fee n^ and calls to him.~\
ORLOFF. Quick, pri'thee! mount, and give me
the rope O ! thou art as flow as if this moment were
not the moft precious of my life ! As though this gar-
den did not contain my Alexina.
A LA GR. [Appearing] Confider, I have but juft
had one efcape, my Lord, and another efcape may
efcape me There ; here's the rope, if you will be fo
venturefome but don't blame me if they mould make
you dangle at the end of it.
ORLOFF. [takes the end of the rape, and h let down]
There ! Environ'd with dangers as I am, this moment
is dear to me, and the firft, that for fucceeding months
has given my benighted foul one gleam of comfort.
A LA GR. Well, my Lord, I leave ye to your
comfort I am off The very moon over 'my head
feems to fay, " Sweet Monfieur A la Greque, your
' mafter is very little better than a lunatic ; fo, take care
of yourfelf" I am off [goes down]
ORLOFF. Ye confcious walks, which the feet of
my Alexina have fo often prefs'd, ye bending trees,
whofe boughs have given to her beauties your foft
(hade ; ye fountains, whofe murmurs have fometimes
lull'd her forrows to repofe, my full foul greets ye !
Hah ! furely her voice floated on that pafling breeze
No all is ftill. That pafling breeze may bear
upon it's wings a thoufand notes, but none like hers.
O, thou pale moon, thou art net deck'd to-night in
half thy glories ; (hine brighter, put on thy moft fe-
ducive
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 73
ducive rays, to tempt my angel from her fad retire-
ment ! [Soft mufic at a dljlance."\ Muiic In the gar*>
dens ! Near that fpot then I fhall not fail to find her
It is an adjuration her foul muft yield to, for her
foul is harmony. [xit. Mufic continues a few bars,
Enter PAULINA,
PAU. Where, where can the Bafla conceal him-
felf ? I am tired with feeking him Can he be offend-
ed with me, that he flies me thus? Alas! I feel I
could not bear to offend him Oh no, I could not I
[Enter MUSTAPHA.] Ah, Muftapha, haft thou feea
the Baffa ?
.Mus. -Not I-^-I have been taken up in watching
the motions of Azim, who, I am fure, has fome- plot
in hand, though I cannot divine what Where is the
gentle Alexina.
PAU. \PettiJhly] I don't know-^-I hav'n't feen
her a great while.
Mus. Nor I I'll go in queft of her Should the
Baifa have feen her, I would not give a cockle-fheU
for our fcheme. [Going.] But what's the matter?
Why, you look as difmally as a widow at the funeral
of her thirteenth hufband.
PAU. I can't find the Bafla I have been looking
for him 'till my eyes ach He flies me now, he does
indeed [.fighing].
Mus. Ay, ay, I underftand it You would put
too much honey bn his bread, though I gate ye the
caution You have been too kind to him.
PAU, \Wltb quicknefs] I am fure I have not.
Mus;
74 *
Mus. Pho ! pho ! I know better Have you not
learnt, child, that fondnefs is the moft cloying food
in the world ? Pafh your fweet fauce with acid, if
you would not have jt pall upon the palate.
PAU. [dngri/y] So I did then I was as crofs as
J could poilibly be I never treated a gentleman fo
bard hearted before. To be fure } muft fay, that at
leaving him, I told him -I told him he might follow
me . [ Confuted. ]
.Mus. Ay, there's the cafe You invited him, to
follow, and he in courfe runs away. [Angrily, ,]
PAU. Oh dear ! [Takes out a fan to bide her tears.]
Mus. If I were a woman, wou'd 7 tejl a man to
follow me ? [Snatches her fan.] This is the away you
fhou'd treat 'em" Keep your diftance, Sir how
*' can you be fo rude ? Fie ! my Lord, it is quite
** (hocking ! [fery affefted and extravagant with the
*' motions of the fan."] Oh, monftrous ! if you com$
* c nearer I fliall faint ! I hate you now, I do indeed
* I can't poflibly bear ye !" This, you fee, would
be graceful and captivating [throwing away the fan.]
PAST. Graceful and captivating ! [Withfurprize.]
Mus. I tell ye, th.e women are all fools ! and if
the fweet rogues knew what they loft by fubftituting
rouge for blulhing, and an undaunted look for modeft
timidity, we fliould foon fee all their affectations
fwallow'd by one ? and that would be the affectation of
modefty. [Exit.
PAU. I hate affectation For all he thinks he
knows fo much, the next time I'll follow my own
way I am. fure I l^now as much of the matter as he
Re- enter
THE RUSSIAN - *LAVE3y. ^C
Re-enter MUCTAPHA.
MUS. [Peeping in through the wing.~\ Remember
the hint I gave you-^-If our mafter fliou'd fee your
countrywoman, all your hopes are gone in a hurricane.
You may as well attempt to catch a hufband with
J)ird-ljme as to catch him after that ; fo prevent it.
[Exit,
PAU. How pan I prevent it ? Befides, Mr. Def-
tfny, I have good reafon to think, that, as far as the
jnatter of beauty goes, I am not behind hand with (he
Alack-a-day ! no, no, he has hit upon it ! As
fure as harveft is yellow, Lady Alexina has certainly
feen the Baffa, and he'l} now be her ADORER as he
palls it May be they are now together, and he is at
her feet fighing, as he did to-day at mine Oh, I
cannot bear it-r The fight wou'd crack my heart-
ftrings ! Now I do feel that I dearly, dearly love
him Oh mercy ! he is here he is here !
Enter IBRAHIM mvfing ; feeing
IRA. Oh Paulina, hide thee, hide thee ! At fight
of thee every refolution fades, and the altar of virtue
feems to blaze no more [gazing on her long]. Cruel
charmer !
PAU. Cruel ! Oh no ? my heart melts to fee your
diftrefs, and I ?m fure you have no occafion for it.
IBRA. Why didft thou not at firft tell me thot$
wert another's ! Why fuffer my heart to burn with
tumultuous love, to wafte itfelf in glov/ing flames,
whilft thine beats only for another,
J>AU. What other ?
76 A BAY IN TURKEY, OR
PAU. fmgs
Never 'till now I felt love's dart
" Guefs who it was that ftole my heart,
w 'Twas only you, if you'll believe me !" *
IBRA, O thou enchantrefs ! [Starting back."] Thou
wife of Orloff ! thou haft my foul in chains drag it
not to perdition !
PAU, Why mould you call me wife of Orloff? Oh,
forgive me if I fpeak too plain My heart, my whole;
heart is your's. You have awaken'd its firft tender
thought, and you mall fill it to the laft ! There can
be no other.
IBRA. Nay then, forewel to every dread ! Tho*
hell fhou'd gape beneath my feet, I Jkrink not. Rum.
on my foul, ALMIGHTY LOVE ! abforb each faculty and
thought, for I am thine ! [turning to PAU.] -for I
am thine ! [Throws himfelf prone \ then rifes and clafps,
iter.] Tranfcendent moment ! O, blifs too exquifite !
ORLOFF. [Rujhes tn] Bafe woman ! adulterous
villain ! [Prefents a dagger to IBRAHIM'S breaji.]
[PAULINA Jhrieks and runs off.
IBRA. Hah ! [wre/is the dagger] my life attack'd
Hot flaves! [Slaves rujb in from various wings.]
Twice to-day ! Once in the bofom of my harem,
and now in the facred walks of my garden Seize him
[to theJJaves, who obey]. Thy death mail expiate th^
Double crime.
* Tbcfe lines were introduced by Mrs. Efun. rShe fmgs
without inftruments, and they are always followed by rapturous ap-
plaufe.
ORLOFF,
THE RUSSIAN SLAVE S, 77
ORLOFF. Doft think to give me terror ? I wel-
come death I welcome it 'midft tortures !
IBRA. Chriftian, thou know'ft me not ! Whilft
left to myfelf, I could command myfelf ! My ardent
paffions I could hold in chains, and fupprefs that love
which honor could not fanclion But thou fhalt know
when thus oppos'd, I own no law but -will drag him
away. [Exit.
ORLOFF. Tyrant, I know that I fliall die; but
the bitternefs of death is paft To live after having
feen my wife embrace thee, and embrac'd Oh mad-
nefs ! fpeed your death, I rufh to meet it.
[Exeunt.
SCENE ThePrifon.
Enter ALEXINA through the Flat.
ALEX. Surely this is the darkeft hour of the night !
The dim light my folitary window afforded has long
been paft, and gloom and filence every where prevail.
No found, no footftep, no voice of foft confoling love,
or weeping friendfliip. Can I be her whom the beamy
finger'd morn, till lately, ever rous'd to joy ? I, her
who not a fliort hour fince glow'd with delight whofe
troubled fky felicity and freedom began to gild ? Oh,
the reverfe is too deep, too direful !
Voices [without'} This way make fure the outer
gate.
ALEX". Hah ! flaves and lights ! perhaps they come
to end my wretched being Ah ! nature (brinks at the
idea, and whilft I almoft dread to live, I fly frem
death, by impulfe irreliftible !
[Exit kajllly through the fat.
[ORLOFF.
^8 A tf A Y IN TURKEY, O It
[ORLOFF is brought in by faves.]
SLAVE. There, Sir ! Here you inuft ftay till ou/
mafter hath determined on the fort of death you are to
die, for we have great variety in this country. The
bowftring is the eafieft you can hope for. We'll leave
you a lamp though, to (hew the apartments, and make
your laft hours a little pleafant Wifli your honor a
good night. [Exeunt favers*
ORLOFF* May this hour of bitternefs be fhort !
Here, on the flinty earth I'll pafs it, and give to thee
dtfpair I the fleeting moments that remain.
[7 /'.rows himfelf on the ground*
ALEXINA enters^ fearful, from the fiatti
ALEX. What wretch can he be, who, in this
dreary place, is the vidtim of tyranny and defpotifm ?
[Advancing^ and looking over him.'] By every facred
power it is my hufband ! OrlofF [feizing his hand]
myOrloff! [He Ji 'arts up^ throws her off^ and flies
to the oppofite fide.~\ Doft thou diftruft thy fenfes ?
It is thy Alexina thy wretched happy Alexina !
ORLOFF. Abandon'd woman ! doft thou follow me
to my prifon to infult my laft moments ? Or doft thou
come to adminifter the bowl of death?
ALEX. Heavens ! what mean you ? (rujhing towards
htm with open arms.)
ORLOFF. Nay, touch me not By heav'n, rather
than be enfolded in thy adulterous embrace, I'll
[draws a dagger] O, my thoughts are defperate \
Avoid me if thou would'ft live.
ALEX. Alas ! affli&ion has made him mad.
ORLOFF. Oh ! [fings away the dagger. J
ALEX.
*f H fc R U S 3 I A tf SLAVfeS. 7$
ALX. Or if thou art not mad, to threaten death
Is needlefs. Be witnefs for me, ye celeftial fpirits,
that I'll not live an inftant to endure a hufoand's hate
All other miferies I've borne, but this laft fubdues
me. [fnatches up the dagger] Thou accufeft me of
crimes I fhudder at -Orloff, an adultrefs would not
dare this blow.
ORLOFF. [fprlngs forward, and feizet her arm]
Die ! Yes, thou ought'ft to die ; but let my fate come
firft It lingers not 'its minifters are at hand ! [gazing
tn her] O, had I not feen thee in his arms, had I
not heard thy vows of never-ending love to the tyrant.
ALEX. [Interrupting eagerly.] My vows ! ah, my
OrlofF, a beam of radiance once more breaks in on
my affli&ed foul. I have never feen the Baffa Nay,
look not thus incredulous this dungeon proves it
I am a prifoner here as well as you, and was this day
brought hither.
ORLOFF. [Gazing wildly.] Oh fate, fpare me a
moment ! Scarcely dare I give way to the overpower-
ing thought ! yet it muft be fo ! It was not thee,
my heaven I whom I beheld in Ibrahim's arms No,
it was another, and Alexina's pure !
ALEX. As pure as at that facred hour, when at the
altar you receiv'd my virgin vows ; and heaven is wit-
nefs, that this form has ne'er been prefs'd in any arms
but thine.
ORLOFF. [Clafping her.] Then art thou dearer
in thefe prifon walls, dearer in this thy faded beauty,
than when a blaze of charms o'erpower'd my fenfes,
fceneath the haughty dome where firft I woo'd thee.
ALEX.
80 A DAY IN TURKEY, K
ALEX. How matchlefs is the power of virtuous
lov"e ! Having thus feen thee, having thus once agairi
been prefsM to thy fond bolbm, I am prepar'd for
death.
OrtLof F. Behold ! they mean that we fhou'd die
together The minifters of death are entering.
[Going towards the wing,
Mus. [Without."] Make faft the outer gate
bring him along. [Entering* Slaves bring in AZIM$
in chains; they are fallowed by LAURETTA, FATIMA,
and females ; male Jlaves bearing torches.] I thought
we ihould nick you at laft. The lime twigs which
you have been fo bufily fpreading for another, have at
length entangled thyfelf.
LAUR. Yes, my friend Azim ; I promis'd you a
fet doivn^ and now I think you will have: it. Joy
joy to Alexina !
Mus. To Alexina and her lord.
ORXOFF. Ah ! what mean ye ? A fide of blifs
breaks in upon my foul, which yet I dare not yield to.
LAUR. Fear not to truft it F Our mafter hath
heard from Paulina your touching ftory, and hath fent
us to conduct you to his prefence.
Mus. Go, Madam ! and make room for your
perfecutor Azim ; he (hall take your place here.
ALEX. Farewel farewel, ye dreary walls ! We
fly to light, to liberty
ORLOFF. To love !
[Exit, leading ALEXIU A, folloiutd by part of the Jlaves.
Mus. [To Azim.'} Why you look a little ftrange ;
pray make free, Sir ; you are as welcome as though
you were at hpuie. [Bowing ludicroujly.]
LAUR.
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 8l
LAUR. Come, hold up your head, man ! and look
round your new apartments. Examine the furniture
is it not elegant ! Look through its fpacious win-
dows are you not charm'd with the prolpect ? Thou
monfter ! to this dreary abode thou wouldft have con-
fign'd innocence and virtue.
AZIM, O, that thofe curfed chains were off ! /
to be imprifon d in a dungeon !
Mus. Come, come " a few weeks fpent here
" will quiet you a little." I have heard every thing
from your accomplice there. " Your forrows won't
" be half fo violent a fortnight hence, as they are
" now let that comfort ye."
AZIM. [FuriouJJy.] Dogs!
Mus. Be civil, and " I'll permit thee to ufe the
" apartment next to this its lad inhabitant had it
" fourteen years," you know. [Tauntingly,] Nay,
it is in vain to ftruggle, drag him in ! i [Exit.
[Slaves drag AZIM in ; the door is Jhut.]
LAUR. Ah ! he's caught at laft. [Runs up to the
door.] Good night, my pretty Azim. [He rattles
his chains.] Good night I'll give ye a friendly call
once a month or ib, for the next ten years. [He
rattles.] Farewel pleafant fancies hang about your
dreams ! [Exit y followed by the flaves with torches j
AziM rattling his chains within.]
SCENE, The Bafa's Apartment.
Enter IBRAHIM at top, leading PAULINA.
IBRA. O, adored Paulina ! what wonderful events
are thefe ! Thou may*Jl be mine ! it is no crime to
G love
82 A DAY IN TURKEY, O*
love thee. I have ftruggled againft a paffion which
heaven had determin'd to reward.
PAU. It blefles my heart to fee you fo happy ! And
(hall my father and brother be releas'd from flavery
fhall they witnefs my happinefs ?
IBRA. They fhall partake it. Riches and honour
await thofe fo dear to thee. Lo ! they are here.
[The father and fon are introduced.
PAU. O, my dear father ! Peter ! what a day this
has been! Here am I going to be a great lady, and
not the handmaid of a Jew, as you told me this morn-
ing. [To her father.]
FATHER. My dear child, I cannot fpeak for joy.
Say fomething for us to the BafTa we Ihrink before
him.
ALEX. [JVithout.] Haften ! O, my OrlofF, let
us haften to his prefence. [Entering.] Mighty Ibra-
him, I no longer tremble to appear before thee ; in
the prefence of my hufband, I dare to look upon thee,
and to aik thy mercy.
IBRA. Mercy ! how poor the word ! I give ye
inftant liberty, and in giving ye that, I give ALL, for
ye love! What then remains to perfect your blifs !
ORLOFF. Heareft thou, ALEXINA ? Ah ! what
founds they rufh upon my foul in tranfport.
IBRA. Valiant Ruffian, I embrace thee ! The
poniard you directed to my breaft, had it enter'd
there, would have pierc'd a heart, which, arnidft the
turbulencies of war, and the infatuations of a court,
has yet preferV'd its OWN RESPECT ; accept its
friend/hip !
6 ORLOFF.
THE RUSSIAN SLAVES. 83
ORLOFF. With earneftnefs unfpeakable ; and I
return it with fuch gratitude and fervor, as becomes
a foldier and a hufband.
IBRA. Such charms, I could not have beheld in-
fenfibly, [to Alexina] had I known them before Pau-
lina engrofled my heart but now, that heart can
beat for her alone. To-morrow you mall be efcorted
to your camp, and I, to give that dignity to love,
without which it finks into loweft appetite, will make
this charmer mine, by facred rites.
ORLOFF. liluftrious Turk ! Love has taught thee
to revere marriage, and marriage fhall teach thee to
honour love.
A LA GR. Why what ups and downs there are in
this world ! My lord, [to Orloff] I am once again
your moft duteous fervant for fellow faves, I per-
ceive, we fliall be no longer So there goes my dig-
nity ! I'll make a bold pufli for a new one though.
Azim, I find .-pardon me, my lord, [to Ibrahim']
Azim, I find, is out of place, will your mi^htinefs
beftow it on me, and make me your principal Have-
driver ?
IBRA. [Laughing.] What wouldft thou do ?
A LA GR. Any thing, and every thing. I'd imi-
tate the fmack of Azim's whip, and roll my eyes as
he does, to frighten your male flaves, and transform
myfelf into a fattin feat, with a canopy over my head,
to amufe your female flaves.
IBRA. Transform thyfeif into a fattin feat, with a
canopy over thy head .thou art bewildered. [To
.] Pronounce, Madam, the fate of the pro-
fligate
84 ADAYINTURKEY, &C.
fligate flave, whofe villainy had nearly brought about
fuch difaftrous events Shall he perifh ?
ALEX. Ah, in this hour of felicity, let nothing
perifh but misfortune ! Be the benevolent Muftapha
rewarded, and let Azim have frank forgivenefs.
IBRA. Charming magnanimity ! if it flows from
your CHRISTIAN DOCTRINES, Rich doctrines muft be
RIGHT, and I will clofely ftudy them.
ALEX. [Stepping forward.'] And may our errors
have frank forgivenefs too ! Beftow on us your fa-
vour, and make the DAY IN TURKEY one of the hap-
pieft of this happy feafon !
THE END.
C 85 ]
EPILOGUE.
WRITTEN BY MRS. COWLEY.
SPOKEN BY MRS. POPE.
JL S C A P ' D from Turkey, and from prifon free,
Yet ftill a SLAVE you fhall behold in me ;
An Engli/b Have flave to your ev'ry pleafure,
Seeking your plaudits as her richeft treafure.
Whilft thus you feaft with cheering praife my ear,
For our foft poet I confefs fome fear.
Perhaps,you'll fay, " Two marriages for love !
" Thus foolifli female pens for ever rove ;
" But give us, Madam, give us, real life,
" Who goes to Turkey pray, to fetch a wife ?"
Critic ! a few months paft I wou'd allow
Your comment juft, but not, Sir Surly, now !
For now we know A PRINCE can crofs the feas
T' obtain a wife, a nation's hearts to pleafe.
" The age of chivalry" again returns,
And love, with all its ancient fplendor burns j
Yes
Tell the rapt Orator whofe magic pen
So late chaftifed the new found rights of men
Who fear'd that honor, courage, love were loft, .
And Europe's glories in the whirlwind toft j
9 Tell
86 EPILOGUE.
Tell him " heroic enterprife" ftiall ftill furvive,
And " loyalty to fex" remain alive ;
'* The unbought grace of life" again we find,
And " proud fubmijfion' "fills. the public mind ;
T'wards ber> now borne to BRITAIN'S happy coaft
A hufband's honor, and a nation's boafl,
" J u ft lighted on this orb the vifton Jhines
Scarce feems to touch" and as it moves, refines !
O, may fhe long adorn this chofen ifle,
Where the beft gifts of fate uncealing fmile !
When, " like the morning flar" at wond'rous height,
She foars at length beyond this world and night,
Still may your bleffings to her name be given,
While foft fhe fades into her native heaven !
THOSE who read will know, that in the above Epilogut
all the paffages diftinguifhed by italics are taken from an
effufion infpired by another royal lady ; agitating the
lightning pen of a man who in his head is all REASON, in
his heart all SENSATION. A man whom /c////a feized, and
feems to have dragged reluctantly from LOVE. Let the
women of future times weave to his memory the faireft gax-
lands, and twine amidft Jaurels and rofes the name of BURKI,
COLUMBUS :
O R
A WORLD DISCOVERED.
A N
AS IT rs PERFORMED AT THE
THEATRE -ROYAL, COVENT- GARDEN.
&Y THOMAS MORTON,
OF THE HONOURABLE SOCIETY OF LINCOLN*S-INN.
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR w. MILLER, OLD BOND-SRREST,
1792.
1 HE fpe6tator and reader of the follow-
ing performance, will find the manners and
cuftoms of Mexico and Pjm introduced, as
appertaining to the firft discovered natives of
the weilern world. This deviation afforded
the author an opportunity of introducing
manners and cuftoms, more congenial to
dramatic ufe, and rtiore particularly of pre-
fenting from MARMONTEL'S INCAS, the pa-
thetic tale of Cora and Alonzo.
To MR. HARRIS, the author offers his
acknowledgments for the extreme attention
he has paid to this performance, and the
magnificent decorations he has beftowed
on it,
For the zeal and talent, manifefted by the
performers, the author's beft thanks are
due.
PROLOG UK
WRITTEN BY W. T. FITZGERALD, ESQ*
SPOKEN BY MR* HOLMAN.
vV HEN famed Columbus nobly dared to brave,
The untry'd perils of the Weftern wave ;
Ten thoufand dangers in his paffage lay,
Dark was his night, and dreary was his day !
The rude companions of his bold defign,
Fatigued with toil, againft their chief combine t
When fudden burfting on th' aftonifh'd view !
A world difcovered, proved his judgment true.
" Yet black ingratitude, the Great Man's fate !
" Purfued Columbus with envenomed hate;
" But minds like his a bafe degenerate race,
" Might meanly perfecute but not difgrace :
" The noble foul its energy maintains,
" In fpite of dungeons, tyranny, and chains.'*
The fons of Europe found a guilelefs race,
No fraud was veiled beneath the fmiling face ;
Their manners, mild, benevolent, and kind,
Pourtrayed the cloudlefs funfhine of the mind l
Blefs'd in their Prince's patriarchal reign,
Whofe power relieved, but ne'er infliSed pain,
Their placid lives no fancy'd evils knew;
Their joys were many, and their wants were few*
One cuftom with their virtues ill agreed,
Which made Humanity with anguifh bleed ;
Compelled at Superftition's fhrine to bow,
The haplefs vidlims of a cruel vow !
Their
PROLOGUE,
Their fweeteft maids were often doomed to prove,
?o joy in friendship, nor no blifs in love !
Yet love and nature cannot be fupprelr,
The figh will heave, and palpitate the breaft ;
For fpite of vows, which Heaven's wife laws difown.
Love fits triumphant on the heart his throne !
And breaks thofe fetters bigots would impofe,
To aggravate the fenfe of human woes !
The rigid laws of time, and place, our bard,
In this night's drama, ventures to difcard :
Jf here he errs he errs with him whofe name,
Stands without rival on the rolls of Fame ;
Htm whom the paflions own with one accord.
Their Great Dictator, and defpotic Lord !
Who placed aloft on Infpiratio.n's throne,
Made Fancy's magic kingdom all his own,
Burft from the trammels which his mufe confined,
And poured the wealth of his exhauftlefs mind !
Though SHAKSPEARE'S flight no mortal (hall purfue-
COLUMBUS' ftory patronised by you,
Will yield an off'ring, grateful to his duft ;
$. Britifh laurel on a hero's buft I
DRAMATIS
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Columbus
Alonzo ~
Harry Herbert
Do6lor Dolores*
Bribon
Roldan
Valverdo
Mofcofo
Captain
Orozirnbo
Solafco
Catalpo
Cuto
Cora
Nelti
- Mr. POPE.
Mr. HOLMAN.
I ~ Mr. LEWIS.
Mr. QUICK.
Mr. MUNDEN.
* Mr. M'CREADY.
Mr. THOMPSON.
Mr. CUBIT.
Mr. FARLEY,
Adventurers and, Soldierss,
INDIANS.
Mr. FARREN,
' Mr. HARLEY.
Mr. POWELL.
Mr. EYATT.
INDIAN WOMEN.
Mrs. POPE.
Mrs. ESTEN,
Priefls, PrieftefTes, Warriors, &c.
** Thofe Lines with inverted Comma's are omitted in the
reprefentation.
A N
HISTORICAL PLAY.
SCENE I. On one fide af thejlage a flight ofjleps, with a
Portico leading to the Temple of the Sun, In the back-
ground the fea. Time^ fun-rife.
Catalpo and Priejls from the Temple, who range
themfelves then enter Orozimbo they bow to
him as he pafles.
OROZIMBO, projlratlng hlmfelf to the fun.
SOUL of the univerfe, who from thy glittering
throne beameft immortal fplendour, as thou
haft permitted the ftars for their appointed hour
to befpangle the veil of night, now o'erwhelm all
manner of glories in the greatnefs of thy efful-
gence, and be once more welcom'd by thy de-
Voted fervants to delight and blefs the world !
Catalpo, conduct hither the virgin deftined to re-
ceive a prieftefs' fa'cred office.
B CATALPO
2 COLUMBUS :
CATALPO exit, and re-enters with SOLASCQ, lead-
ing in CORA.
Sokfco 'kneels.} Mighty chief !
Orozimba. Rife, good Solafco.
Solafco. I here prefent the darling of my age to
be devoted to the fervice of our god. It will be
\vorfe than parting with my life to loft the com-
forts of her dear fociety -but the bright fun, our
glorious deity, demands fuch excellence to be
configned alone to do him honour. Pardon, my
king, an old man's tears; but nature will not al-
ways, without a ftruggle, yield to duty.
Orozimbo. Thou haft, indeed, devoted to thy
god a precious treafure ; but tell me, Cora, can
thy youthful mind freely reiign the livelier joys
of focial life, and reft contented in feclufion and
tranquillity ?
Cora. My father's will has ever fway'd my
thoughts, from the firft hour that infant fenfe
cou'd learn obedience : Should he doom my
death, his mandate would be met with equal re-
fignation.
Orozimbo. Thy pious mind, which knows to
yield fuch duty to a father, will well befit the fer-
vice of thy god. But hear the facred tenour of
the law which binds a prieftefs to her duty.
Should the heart, to heaven devoted, become the
prey of facrilegious love, our law configns its
prieftefs, and the accomplice of her guilt, to in-
ftant death. Her parents and their offspring are
pledges for her faith, and Ihould her flight elude
offended juftice, their forfeit lives muft expiate
her crime. [Cora bows to tte fun.'}- Now to the
altar, and record your vows ; then, as our cuftom
is, come forth to Ihine Queen of this feftive day,
the
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 3
the laft you are to know exempt from facred
duty.
[Exeunt Cora, Solafco, and Priefts, to the Temple.
[During the latter part of this fcene the fun becomes
obfcured by clouds, and thunder and lightning ijj'ut
from them the fea much agitated.
Catalpho. Great chief, behold what envious
clouds obfcure the glories of our god.
Orozimbo. Say, Catalpo, what mean thefe bo-
dings ! [AJhip appears from behind a projecting rock.
And lo i What monfter's that, whofe wings bear
it buoyant on the angry main ?
[A cannon is difcharged from thejhip.
Catalpo. See ! From its throat thunder and
fire burft forth, feeming to brave high heaven.
Orozimbo. Be not difmay'd fummon our war-
jriors. [to CutoJ Catalpo, let the priefls attend.
[Exeunt*
SCENE II. The Country.
Enter Orozimbo meeting Cuto, Warriors, and
Indians.
Orozimbo. My people, we'll to the fhore
Should they prove mortal foes, we'll meet their
thunders, or if the engines of infernal power,
what can virtue fear ? Truft me, the Deity we
ferve, will re-aflume his fplendour, and protect
his chofen people. [Exeunt .
SCENE III. 4 PifW of an Indian Country.
Enter in procejfion, Indian Officer Warriors Indian
Mufic Culo Archers- Standard of the Sun
Cora-~-PrieJls of the Sun Indians bearing pre-
fents and Banner* Neltl Indian Women bear-
B 2 'ing
4 COLUMBUS :
ing Prefents Warriors Orozimbo in a Car,
burnl/hed with Gold, fuppor ted on the Jhoulders of
Indians, and attended by Nobles with golden Staves
Warriors.
SCENE IV. Tve Sea Coajl.
7'kree Ships are feen at anchor, and Boats come to
Shore with martial Mufti and Colours ftying.
Enter from tie Boat, Columbus, Alonzo, Roldan,
Valverdo, Harry Herbert, and the reft of the
Spanijh Adventurers. Columbus lands firft, with
his Sword drawn he falls, and embraces the
Earth, during which 'Time there are three ( heers,
and a dlfcbarge of Artillery ; then the reft follozv
and come forward.
Columbus. Firft, to high Heaven, who thus, with
never-fading honour, hath crown'd its poorelt
fervant, let me pour forth a heart o'erwhelm'd
with gratitude. And now begin the important
work which heaven has delegated to us Eret
the facred banner of our faith.
| The Crofs is ereRed on one fide of theftage*
Alonzo. Brave arToci-ates ! join with me in praife
of him, who hath atchiev'd what ignorance, with
fapient flirug, and fatisfied, benumbing prudence
derided as the chimera of a madman's fancy :
falling at his feet, let us be proud in being firft to
pay due homage to fuch furpaffing excellence.
\_They all kneel.
Columbus. Rife, life; rather, my Aionzo, in
thefe arms receive my thanks, thou, next to
heaven, my firmed friend. Ye men of Spain,
let what has pafTed admonim you in what may
be to come keep in your minds the time when
we had gained the courfe which (hut out the
eaftern world ; how you beat your breafts, op-
preffed
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 5
prefled with fear and fuperftition How, with
womanifh tears, you bade adieu to life, and blub-
bered out a requiem for your fouls ; then em-
bracing defperation inftead of fortitude, I was to
be your facriiice ; and this body, which has been
your conduct to wealth and honour, you would
have given to the fea, and ignorance and cow-
ardice would have triumphed.
Valverdo. Mighty Sir, forgive us !
Columbus. Freely, good Valverdo Let the man
{land forth, who, at a time fo fraught with peril,
rlrft difcovered land.
Herbert. [Coming forward.] It was my good
fortune.
Columbus. Thou art not a Spaniard.
Herbert. No, your Excellency, I am an Eng*.
liftman; and tho' we Englifhmen are an odd,
whimfical fet of fellows, yet we generally con-
trive (and I truft ever lhall) to keep a good look
out a-head when our fuperior is in danger.
Columbus. Tell me your fortunes.
Herbert. My name is Harry Herbert ; I am de-
fcended from as refpectable and independent an
anceftor as the world can boaft, -an Englim yeo-
man ; but the civil wars leaving my family little,
which my imprudence foon made lefs, I thought
that, altho' King Henry was deprived of the
honour of this enterprize, that did not preclude
his fubjefts ; fo I (hipped myfelf off for Caftille,
where I had juft time and cafh enough to fall a
dozen times in love, and into other fcrapes, be-
fore I had the honour of embarking on board
your Excellency's fquadron.
Columbus. Herbert, thou doft honour to thy
country.
Herbert. Then, Sir, I am glad, that for once I
am
6 COLUMBUS :
am even with it ; for I am fure my country does
honour to me. [Indian mujic without,
Roldan. Behold a crowd of people, many of
whom feem clad in facred veftments Their drefs
and ftandards befpeak them greatly civilized, and
full of wealth.
Enter in procejjion Indian Warriors, bearing a Standard
of the Sun Orozimbo, Cora, &c.
Orozimbo. [Defcends from his carJ] Strangers,
who feem to be above the race of mortals, inltruct
us how to honour you If you be children of the
Sun, behold our priefts, who with perfumes and
libations, will welcome you to his holy temple ;
or, if human, here are fruits to feed you, dwell-
ings to Ihelter you, and garments to clothe you.
Columbus. Chief, you behold in us the children
of mortality ; but the power we ferve, in his high
jnercy, has beftowed upon us fuperior gifts ;
thus, thro' unknown feas to brave the imperious
furge, and to conftrud engines which can fweep
thoufands from the earth But that Deity com-
mands us to proclaim his name with peace The
King, our mafter, wifhes to enrich thee and him-
felf this hardy metal, ufeful in all the purpofes
of life, he will exchange for thofe thy country
may produce. [Prefents a hatchet.
Orozimbo. "Tis very ftrange Thy King much
wrongs himfelf all we have to render is our
gold, but that we find fo yielding, and fo ufelefs,
it were an injury to offer it Indulge the curiofity
of a ftranger.
[Orozimbo, with Columbus, Roldan, Her-
bert, Nelti, Catalpo, &c. move up theftage.
Alonzo. Oft has a tender glance efcap'd my eye,
impelled by Beauty's power, and from my bofom
the
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 7
the foft figh inilindively has ftolen Many a
fair Caftilian has enforced this teft of admiration,
but now my every fenfe feems drawn by power
magnetic to that lovely faint Permit me, faireft
creature, to exprefs my admiration at the charms
which now prefent themfelves tho' all the won-
ders of a new difcovered world difplay their rival
novelties, yet, now that I behold its firft of won-
ders, all elfe exacts from me as little notice, as I,
I fear, have power or merit to command from
you.
Cora. Strange you wrong yourfelf, and hold me
unskilful to diftinguiih, when you fuppofe defert
like yours can pafs unnoticed Your praifes of
the humble Cora, tho' they have caufed no vain
emotion, yet ever will the mind receive with plea-
fure, praife e'en unmerited, when 'tis beftowed by
thofe who claim our admiration.
Alonzo. All that the warm eft fancy can depidt
in the bright colours of ideal excellence, can
never reach that exquifite perfection nature ex-
hibits how muft I blefs mv happy fortune,
that bore me to a clime which boails an or-
nament like thee.
Cora. \_AJide.~] What new emotion rifes in my
breaft I fear to aik my heart from whence in
fprings. Oh, Cora ! think of thy facred duty
think of the vow which pafs'd thy lips-fo lately.
Stranger, tho' facred hofpitality commanded me
to pay this courtefy, yet now a higher duty en-
joins me to defift from further converfe.
Alonzo. Let me entreat one inftant
Cora. It muft not be my conduct is controlled
by rigid laws. Farewell. Oh Cora, what days
of wretchednefs art thou doom'd to fuffer !
asjhe retires to the pr lefts.
Alonzo.
S COLUMBUS:
Alonzo. What cou'd (he mean ? " Her con-
duel is controlled by rigid laws. "If (lie be def-
tined to another, my lot is mifery.
Orozimbo faith Columbus, coming forward."]
In harmony and peace I rule a free and happy
people, and I were unworthy of my kingdom,
did I not endeavour to the utmoft to convert the
name of ftranger into friend,.
[Exeunt Orozimbo and Columbus, hand in hand;
Priejls follow ; then Alonzo, Roldan, Val-
verdo, &c. and the Spanijh and Indian foldiers
One party bow to the crofs y the other to the
fun.-]
Mdnent Herbert and Nelti.
Herbert. And fo, my pretty Indian, you live
Very happily.
Nelti. Yes, all the day long.
Herbert. And have you no monks who pray for
you, difpute with you, and burn you alive when
you don't think as they do ?
Nelti. Oh ! no.
Herbert. Poor devils, what a way they muft
be in.
Nelti. Don't you come from the other world ?
Herbert. What, you fee fomething angelic
about me, eh ! Yes, my love, I come from a
little paradife, call'd England.
AW//. Is England a world ?
Herbert. A bit of one ; but, little as it is, it
fomehow contrives to manage all the reft.'-
Shou'd you like to live in England ?
Nelti. O yes ; I fuppofe Englifh women, arm'd
with fpears made of that pretty, hard iron, climb
the mountains, and deftroy the wild bull.
Herbert. Deflroy the wild bull 1 No, my dear ;
our Englifh women find prettier amufement in
ericou-
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 9
encouraging the breed of horned cattle the
ufe of tv pretty, hard iron is confined to the
iiM-ri, and no great favourite there ; for I know
m:. n y flourifhers of fpontoons, who have a curled
antipathy to cold iron. Who is that elegant
creature you were convcrfmg with ?
Nelti. Her name is Cora ; Ihe was this day ad-
mitted a prieftefs of the Sun. The. handfomeft
virgins are always felecieu to fuftain that lac red
office.
Herbert. The handfomeft ! you were then, on
that account", not-
Nelti. Did I fav the handfomeft ? Oh dear, I
mean they feledt the moft fcdate for, from this
day me muft never leave the temple, or convene
with any except the priefts.
Herbert. Except the priefts ! Go where you
will, you find thofe gentlemen always contrive
to be well taken care of would you like to be-
come a prieftefs ?
Nelti [fighing^ Lail night perhaps 1 ihould.
, Herbert. Charming fenfibility ! and may I,
myfweet girl, interpret that figh in my favour?
Nelti. Ah, you will not love me.
Herbert. Not love thee ! By Magnrt Charta, I'll
' refign my life, fortune, and liberty to thee.
befides, I'll bring thee beads, clouihes, murk
Nelti. Ah, that is not love. Tney only try
to pleafe the eye, who find their acYions cannot
touch the heart. no prefents or toys coul.1 in-
fluence Nelti. no, not if you were to give her
an iron javelin and a tame tiger.
Herbert. Indeed ! very delicate prefents for a
young lady.
Nelti [afide.~\ T wiflrl cou'd make him love me
how do women in England gain their lover's hearts?
Herbert. Generally by uling them like dogs.
for, when a- wpmajn ftudiotifly avoids looking at
C a man.
10 COLUMBUS ;
a man, abufes him on all occaiions,,and is kind
to every one clfe, we naturally conclude they love
each other to diftraction.
Nelti \afide.]. I never can find in my heart to
ufe him ill What ugly thing is that ?
Enter Dolores and Bribon, from a boat.
Herbert. A doctor of phyfic, who having killed
ail his patients in the old world, except his wife,
who wou'd never take his medicines, has ven-
tured hither, in purfuit of new patients, new fees,
and perhaps a new bed-fellow.
Nelti. And what's the other ?
Herbert. A lawyer and a coxcomb.
Nelti. What's a coxcomb ?
Herbert. A reptile, my dear, that is found in
abundance in all countries, and yet is not eafily
defcribed it is a kind of mongrel, which men
drive from them, becaufe they hardly confider it
as belonging to them, and the women won't re-
ceive, becaufe they think it won't breed.
Dolores. All feems pretty quiet. I fay, Bri-
bon
Bribon. What do you fay, Doctor Dolores ?
Dolores. This feems curfed mild, wholefome,
unprofitable air for a phyfician. But heaven is
merciful, wherever I go, patients increafe.
Bribon. There feems plenty of gold, and plen-
ty of gold, plenty of lav;, follows as naturally as
a bill of cofts. I fay, Doctor, do you fee that
iweet, pretty, wealthy-looking girl
Dolores. I fancy I ihall have fome pretty fe-
male practice here. I was a great favourite ia
Spain ; for my maxim was, always to flick to my
friends to the laft.
Herben. Doctor, welcome to the hew world.
Se, you kept on board till all was qniet.
Dolores,
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. n
Dolores. To be fure confidcr the importance
of my life to you all ; but my chief reafon was,
that the famous aftrologer, Doctor Diego Diab-
Jafco, told me fomething ill would happen if I
were rafh but there feems no danger that's a
very pretty girl, and I love, a fine young girl, al-
moit as much as I do fine old gold
Herbert. And have you, Doctor, fo foon forgot
your old helpmate in Valladolid ?
Dolores. Ah, poor old Dorothy ! But, Lord, 1
hate conftancy as much as I hate health [addrejjirig
Nelti A Permit me, fweeteft of favages, to enquire
after the ftateof your health how is your pulfe ?
let me feel how it beats -beats. [Takes her hand.
Nelti. Feel how it beats ? Perhaps it beats
harder than you think
Dolores. Then there's the more neceffity I
ihoulcl feel it, my pretty, pretty
Nelti. There, then. [Strikes him,
Dolores. Zounds ! a dozen fuch patients wou'd
do for me !
Herbert. Doctor, I hope to be honoured with
the hand of this charming girl.
Dolores. Oh, with all my heart I'm fure I've
had enough of it but you can't marry her.
Herbert. Why, thou profeflbr of the glorious
art of manflaughter ?
Dolores. Becaufe the Pope allows no religious
ceremonies with hereticks all dealings with them
muft be in the way of plunder and glorious in-
trigue.
Herbert. The Pope ! pfhaw - 1 (hall fit down
here for life, contented with a little I'll build a
neat, convenient houfe, after the fafhion of the
country, with a plain lilver door, and a diamond
jcnocker. The apartments Ihall be merely lined
C 1 with
f 2 COLUMBUS :
with plates of gold, neatly carved the fophas of
lilver tiffue, and fluffed with the ,ioun . f hum-
ming-birds As for ficfco-work of emeralds, lu-
bies, pearls, amethyfts, anrl fur'-* nicknacks, my
wife may ornament her d-'iy and drefling-" n
with them m J err I'll have everv t>
fhug, comfortable way, without iVik.u .
D oiores. Without {hew or expence! ; Pr?ty, ^rtat
Sir, will you allo^ a. poor man to ' -- ^ the
chips, and now and then take a peep into your
golden apartments ?
Herbert. Why, Dolores, by the time I b ill L I
fancy you'll have a fnug leaden apartmoit 01
own fo, go count bead? inftead of ducats, and
try not to cheat young Harry out of his miflrefs,
but old Harry out of your foul.
[Exeunt Herbert and Nelti.
Bribon. Zounds! let's follow ; for who knows,
but in a minute, thc.il: favnges may knock my
brains out, with one of your fhin-bones.
Dolores. Come jlong ;Oh, I wilh 1 had the
doftoring of you for a week, you Englilh maftiff.
\_Exettttt.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
ACT II.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 13
ACT II.
SCENE I, The Spanifli Camp.
JLr.ter Columbus, with a party offoldiers, guarding
others, chained, meeting Roldan and Valverdo.
Columbus.
UNGRATEFUL men, thus, in a moment,
) deftroy my brighteft hopes. fee them
clofei}' guaided.
[Exeunt Soldiers, guarded.
Roldan, would thou think it, thofe wretches
(dead to prudence as to honor) have damn'd the
name of Spaniard, they have reviled the Indian
priefts, and with unmanly outrage, have torn
away the golden ornaments that decked the love-
ly breafts of innocence. The men, exafperated,
call to the Cacique for vengeance ; I, at the ha-
zard of my life muft follow, and appeafe his
juft refentment. \Exit.
Valverdo. Shall then a brave Caftilian be dif-
y graced with bonds, for mewing difrefped: to vile
: idolatry ?
Roldan. No, Valverdo. Soon fliall this up-
ftart Genoefe, Columbus, feel the juft vengeance
of infulted Spain \jhewing a paper~\. My brother
in ambition, look on this paper.
Valverdo. What's this the royal fignature ?
Roldan. Mark me. When our gracious Queen
, embraced the fortunes of this foreign Viceroy,
and
j 4 COLUMBUS :
even proffered her regal ornaments to equip his
fleet, the minifter, Fonefca, jealous of the fame
that might attend this enterprife, worked on the
fears of the fufpicious Ferdinand, to execute this
commiffion of control, which, now Columbus'
conduct gives pretence, arrays me with the power
of crufhing his authority, and with difgrace re-
turning him to Spain.
Vafoerdo. Glorious hearing !
Roldan. Do thou, Valverdo, tamper with the
troops, prefs on their fuperititious minds the in-
jury our faith will fuffer by winking at idolatry ;
tell them, the way to fudden wealth is eafy, had
they a fit commander infmuate but we wafte
words about it, good Valverdo.
[Exit Valverdo.
'Twere prefumption to inftruct a monk in wiles
of glozing cozenage. [Retires up the jtage.
Enter Alonzo.
The fatal wound is given to all my hopes what
years of blifs'had my foul fondly pictured as Alon-
?o's lot Oh, lovely Cora, muft then thy beau-
ties never more beam their bright radiance on me ?
Had'ft thou been doom'd to fill another's arms,
I had indeed been curfed, but not fo deeply ; for
J might ftill have gazed upon thy heavenly form
have liftened to the fweet melody of thy loved
voice, and known delight even in mifery But all
js gloomy horror now before me.
Roldan. I hope I not untimely interrupt your
fneditations.
Alonzo- Roldan, the conduct of thefe Indians
obfcurcs our European virtues, and we are come
to be infiructed, not to teach The good Colum-
bus has appeafed their jail refentment, and, at
the requeil of Orozimbo, contents to liberate the
prifoners.
Roldan*
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 15
. 'Tis well [JJoews a plan of attack} but
as we muft iecure a place of fafety { for it
were madnefs to repofe confidence in favages)
here have I drawn a plan which muft render the
town an eafy capture.
Alonzo. The town a capture !
Roldan. Doft thou not underftand me ?
Alonzo. I hope I do not.
Roldan. There is no fafety but in their deftruc-
tion.
Alonzo. Roldan, thou furely can'ft not be fo
damn'd as think it What, flab the fond heart
which overflows with love and adoration for thee
trample down facred hofpitality, and erect the
throne of treachery and murder by the great
God of juftice, firft thro' this body thou muft
force thy way, thou traitor to humanity.
Roldan. Soft-hearted fool, thefe mawkifh vir-
tues have ever been the fainted garb of cowards.
Alonzo. Coward ! [They fight*
Enter Cuto, with Indians, who rujb in between 'em.
Cuto. Thanks to the God, this arm received
the ftroke that wou'd have flain thee. [To Roldan.
Alonzo. Good youth, thou bleed'ft Pray take
all care of him [binds his handkerchief round Cuto'jF
arm\ Roldan, if yet thou need'ft a ftirnulus to
virtue, look on that Indian, and in the name of
heaven, ftain not thy honour and thy man-
hood with treachery and ingratitude.
Roldan. Fortune permits thee now to fchool
me but, boy, thou malt feel my power ; go to
the Viceroy, tell him that Roldan lacketh bro-
therly affeftion for the poor Indians, and add (for
by the power of vengeance it is true) that Rol-
dan is his covenanted foe that he hath given
freedom
16 COLUMBUS :
freedom to thofe Caftilians he dared difgrace with
bonds, and that, by thee, he greets his Excellency
with defiance and contempt.
Alonzo. Perfidious, bloody villain ! Ch, my
friends, dangers I fear aw;:it you I blufh to fay
we have among us thofc whole vilenefs your pure
nature cannot image. Let us ;;npare to meet
the word fumrnon your warriors, while I in-
ftruct them how bell to guard each place of ' T *an-
tage and mould this Roklan attempt to execute
his villainous intent, depend on the protection
of Columbus.
[Exit Alonzo, with Indians,
SCENE II. A Retired Place.
Enter Columbus.
Columbus. All happinefs is mingled with alloy
I've triumphed over every cppolition malice and
folly raifed to check my gi r y * now, in Eu-
rope's eye fball ftand an. yed in all the honours
which fuccefs commands <c thofe, who if
" dent had thwarted my reafon-foundeo
" would with important ignorance ha vi : flx-iled at
(f the filly vague projector-- will now, with pane-
" gyric full as thoug^tleis, admirer: '. c >:'ragc,..nd
" applaud my prefcience" yet, when I have at-
tained the fummit of my wiihes, when I ihou'd
give fomc little reft to my care-worn miacu vhich
iong'has ilruggled with adverfity; whe.. 1 might
contemplate with joy, the virtues i have found
in this new world, virtues more rare than all the
riches it abounds in, 1 finJ I have conducted to
this haplefs fpot, hearts bUck with difcontent,
and factious jedoufy, thirfting for plunder and
for blood ! But if deterrniiivti ri^^ur virtuous
example
Enter
AN HISTORICAL PLAY, 17
Enter Herbert, running.
Herbert. May it pleafe your Excellency I
beg your excufe ; but I am fo choaked with
rage, and breathlefs with running, that I have
fcaice power to tell you your troops have mu-
tinied.
Columbus. Mutinied ! Explain.
Herbert. Roldan, Sir, that but I know a foU
dier's duty t o well, to fpeak ill of a fuperior
officer, or I'd tell your Excellency what a curfed
inhuman fcoundrel I think him Their villainy
and ingratitude is beyond belief they murmur
that you won't give them leave to cut the
throats of thefe innocent Indians They call for
Roldan to head them, and I'll do him the juitice
to fay, he would let them indulge in fuch pretty,
harmlefs diverfion, as long as there was a throat
left in the country.
Columbus. This demands my inftant prefence
Herbert, in half an hour, attend me at the camp.
[Exit.
Herbert. Oh, if I had that Roldan in England,
I'd hang him up without judge or jury tho', on
recollection, I have fixed on the worft place in
the world for hanging folks up, becaufe a great
man like me wills it " but now for vengeance
" and yet I don't know how it happens, that al-
ts tho* in fome things I am a tolerably active, in--
" duftrious fellow, yet when I have to feek re-
" venge, I grow fo infernally lazy I can fcarcc
" find in my heart to fet about it."
[Eerif.
D SCENE III.
iS COLUMBUS:
SCENE III. The Sea Coajl a boat Jlatlomd,
Enter Roldan, with Troops, meeting Valverdo.
Roldan. May I truft that look propitious Oh,
let thy words ;confirm it how haft thou prof-
pered with the foldiers ?
Valverdo. They more than met my wifiies,
and the daftard few, whom confcience kept in,
doubt,. I foon won over by the flimulus of plun-
der, fpiced with our Chinch's difpenfation in a
word, they have all fworn, that on a fignal given,
they will defert Columbus*
Roldan. And in an hour, to a fairer promifer,
vvou'd they abandon we. It mads me that I muft
climb the heights of proud ambition on the
fhoulders of fuch a crew of mongrels. My de-
fign is to fend Columbus, loaded with chains and
accufation, a prifoner to Spain, and with him-,
thofe hen-hearted fools, whofe fuperilitious fcru-
ples might prove troitblefome.
Falverdo. With deference to your happier po-
licy, do you not riik , by this the wrath of
Ifabella?
Roldan. Not a whit. For,, imlefs Valverdo,
thou haft made fome faint thy enemy, who, in
mere fpite, may work for them a miracle, they'll
not fatigue the royal ear with much complain-
ing. To be plain, the veffel which mall convey
them hence, is fo ftrained, crazy, and unfit for
fervice, fhe cannot weather out the flighted,
ilorm, therefore, .the firft rude wind that blows,
will fend them to explore another world. But
h.*rk, that trdmpet fpeaks Columbus. Now,
fortune, be my friend.
Enttr
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 19
Enter Columbus, Mofcofo, and Troops.
Columbus* Roldan, what means this outrage,
this treafon to thy King; ? Why fpur on to def-
peration and rebellion, your few miftaken fol-
lowers, whom my power, did I not abhor revenge,
could in an inftant fweep from the earth ?
Roldan. Columbus, on thee. let me retort .the
name of traitor. I ftand here, chofen by the
general voice, the avenger of their wrongs.
*Tis thee they charge with treafon to their King,
affert thou wink'rt at hercfy, and haft made them
the Haves of favages. How doft thou anfwer ?
Enter Herbert.
Columbus. Anfwer to thee ? Roldan, prefs not
my patience farther. But to convince thee, trai-
tor, how falfe are thy afperfions, and t'hat I
reign fovereign in my people's love mark me,
be this the teft. ['Takes afpear from one of the fol-
diers, and throws it between him and Roldan, di-
viding the JlageJj Let all, who do not in their
hearts believe I mean them fairly, and judge
thee worthier to command them, pals that jave-
lin without fear or doubt. Be that the barrier
Betwixt my influence and thine.
Roldan. Much it glads me thou haft proffered
fo fair a trial ; and I fwear, if they approve thee,
I will refign into thy hand my fvvord and life.
Columbus. Now, my brave foldiers, hear my
firm intent; I will lead you on to wealth, but
not by maffacre ; I'll make you all, the wonders
of the world, rich and beloved. Then, without
controul, decide your fate; but, remember, you
have but one ftcp to make from honor to dif-
grace. [Valverdo, and thofe on Columbus's Jide t
pafs over to Roldan.
D 2 Columbus.
aa COLUMBUS :
Columbus. Be it fo men with oat hearts are
not worth regretting.
[Herbert, who has been Jlanding on Roldan's
fide, after eyeing with contempt thofc wlo de-
ferted Columbus, -pq/fts between the front of
thejiage and Roldan, to Columbus.])
Herbert. Great Sir, accept my humble fervices.
' delpife not him, who honours you prayex-
cuie thefe tears let me embrace your knees.
[Falls, and embraces his knees.
Columbus. My heart ! my heart ! Herbert,
thy gratitude unmans me. [Embraces him.
Roldan. Now, Columbus, look on that paper ;
by it thou'lt find thy King diftrufted thee [givtMg
the paperJ] And pray you all remember, I ex-
erted not the high authority of which my fove-
reign thought me worthy, 'till he was deferted,
and defpifed.
Columbus. Peace, fiery indignation ; down re-
bel heart, and do not choak my utterance.
Well, Viceroy, [giving his jlaff to Roldan] where
are your racks, your inftruments of vengeance ?
Rcldan. Oh, do not fear we mean no torture.
Columbus. And think'fl thou, villain, the fub-
tileft inquifitor, who has out-damn'd his fellows
in inventive cruelty, could give a pang like that
I feel, in feeing thee poffelied of power to make
the happy wretched ? Oh my poor Indians, who
ihall now defend you, when this traitor, fit leader
of his band of dcemons, like the arch-fiend, new
lighted on a world of innocence, Ihall diffufe his
devilifh fpirit, and extend hell's empire.
Roldan. Bring forth his chains [Columbus is
claimi{\ for fo" the King enjoin'd he ihou'd be
fcnt to Spain whenever he proved unworthy.
Herbert*
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 21
Herbert. Chains ! Hell and fury [draws lis
fword, but is difarmed] Confufion i
Roldan. Captain, obferve that with Uriel: atten-
tion you obey your orders, [pointing to Herbert]
for that ftubborn rebel bear him to torture.
Columbus. Hold, Roldan thy vengeance
Hiuft be moil complete when I defcend to afk a
favour from thee let my humility glut thy vin-
dictive wrath, Allow that Englishman to fhare
rny fortunes,
Roldan. Bear him away.
Columbus. Roldan, a wretch like thee fhould
have a coward's caution. Doft thou not dread,
that in his dying moments, when, in defiance of
thy tortures, (for I can read his noble foul,) he
braves thee to the laft, and glories in a death of
honour, doft thou not fear he may infecl: this
ruffian crew with fome faint fparks of honefty,
and make them lefs fit inftruments for thee ?
Roldan. Bear him to death.
Herbert. Heaven preferve your Excellency. *
Will you, great Sir, condefcend to indulge the
laft wifh of vanity, and, when you have nothing
elfe to do, write to England the flory of my
fate ; that when my fortunes lhall be enquired af-
ter, my friends, with joy fparkling thro' a tear,
may fay, Herbert {luck to his commander to
the laft, and died as an Englilhman ought.
Columbus. My noble fellow, this hand ihall juf-
tify thy fame.
Herbert. Then I am eafy. May your portion
of happinefs be equal to your virtues farewell;
[To Roldan.] Perhaps, Sir, you never were at
the death of an English game-cock. -Will you
do me the favour of attending my execution ?
Roldan.
23 COLUMBUS:
Roldan. Take him from my fight.
Herbert. Hands off, reptiles ! [to Roldan.] That
you are the mofr. infernal fcoundrel the devil ever
made a friend of, all your worthy affociates about
you will, I dare fay, allow but I brand you with
the name of fool, for enabling an humble man
like me, thus to triumph over you, to defy you
fcorn you laugh at you Hands off, reptiles !
[Exit Herbert,
Columbus. \Jo Roldan] Is then my triumph for a
world's difcovery, and the trophies which I bear
to Spain, to tell attending crowds my glory, a
body bowed by ignominious fetters ?
Captain. Pardon me, Sir, if I prefume to beg,
that I may fo far mitigate their rigour, as when
on board, to free the noble pritbner from their
weight.
Columbus. You know not what you afk wifli.
me to forfeit the honours my King has heaped on
me no, thefe are his gracious gifts, and I've not
yet learnt to difobey him and here I vow before
that power who cheers the foul of faffed ng virtue,
tho' their cankerous rivets corrode my very bonfes^
no hand but Ferdinand's mall free me from them
By heaven, my foul pants for the moment, when
thus accoutered, I may meet his prefence, and
afk him how I have deferved thefe favours from
him.
Officer. All is ready.
Roldan. Bear him then on board.
Exeunt Roldan and Troops.
Columbus. Thou guardian of the innocent, to
-thy fupreme protection I commend the generous
natives of this haplefs land ; affift them to defend
their
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 23
their liberties from the fell grafp of this detefted
crew To them extend thy mercy ; and let me
pour my thanks for that celeftial fortitude which,
glows within my bread with it I can defy the
ftorms of fortune, fafe in the approval of aguilt-
lefs mind, which,' not deferving wrong, can never
feel difgrace.
[Exeunt Columbus and Attendants to the Boat.
Enter Orozimbo, Alonzo, and Indian Warriors*
Alonzo rufhes to the top of the Stage.
Alonzo. Great chief, your fuccours come too
late alas ! he's gone ! Oh ! for vengeance on
that traitor, Roldan ; may this arm drive him
from the earth, which groans at bearing fuch a
wretch, and hurl him to the infernal gulph, as
yet untenanted by any fiend fo corfed.
Orozimbo. Alonzo, dofl thou not blufh to
call thefe wretches, countrymen, who fpurn at
facred virtue, and feem to court pre-eminence
in perdition.
Alonzo. Spain, thou haft loft thy glory pride
and fanaticifm have rear'd their bloody banner,
and virtue flies to foreign climes for flicker
Orozimbo, to thee and to thy country 1 dedicate
my life Hark \ [Cannon difcharged] The cannon^s
ireful throat, wont proudly to proclaim defiance,
now throws along the wave a folemn found, as
knolling a departed friend.
Enter Herbert without his Ckak and Doublet.
Herbert. I have efcaped the blood-hounds
Zounds ! how I fcampered I never before knew
I was
4 COLUMBUS :
I was fo eminently gifted with that fafhionatrfe
military accomplifhment, retreating.
Alonzo. What means this ftrange appearance ?
Herbert. I'll tell you that cannibal, Roldan,
was, I believe, a little inclined to be dainty, and,
wifhing for a choice bit, configned me over to
Valverdo, who ftood man-cook on the occafion
he ordered me to be fcored like pork, and then
to be roafted ; and the humane prieft remarked,
there was not fo excellent a receipt for infuring
the love of heaven, as taking half a dozen here-
ticks and broiling them gently over a flow fire-
Acknowledge Roldan Viceroy, fays he I'd fee
you damn'd firft, fays I fo, watching my op-
portunity, I gave the prieft a Cornifh hug, {hewed
hisTcullions a fpecimen of Englilh wreftling, and
off I came, truffed for dreffing, as you fee me.
Alonzo. Well, my brave friend, thou then wilt
aid our caufe ?
Herbert. Do you fuppofe that I, who had my
forefathers chopped to arorns in deciding the pre-
ference between a red rofe and a white one, will
Hand idle in the caufe of humanity ? No, give
me a fword, and if 1 don't, without benefit of
clergy, execute that prieft, Valverdo, whom the
devil has fent hither as his plenipotentiary, make
me commander in chief to all the cowards in
Europe.
Alonzo. [_to Orozlmbo.~] Adi in purfuance of the
plan I gave, and with a rampart circle in the
town, then let but hunger, that harbinger of mu-
tiny once aflail them, they, like oppofing poifons,
will foon deftroy each other, and fave your darts
the labour.
Orozimbo,
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 25
QrozMo. Truft me, brave people, thefe gods
are vulnerable foon (hall you behold your ja-
velins brurniihed with their blood hunger and
thirft is their's as well as our's, and the foul of a
Spaniard takes its Sight from a wound, as fwiftly
asaa Indian's Lead on.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
*
ACT ILL
COLUMBUS:
ACT III.
SCENE 1. Ths Temple of tie Sfai.
(Jatalpo and Prlejls ajftmbled round tie Altar.
J&nter Orozmibo and Alonzo.
Orozlmbo.
MATCHLESS infamy ! how c^uld the vil-
lain Roldan think to poorly of me ? the
tender of his friendmip was fufficient infult,
without the terms on which he offers it. Refign
thee to him ! purchafe by treachery the friend-
fhip of a traitor, and for what ? Had he the
power to raife me above all the glories ambition
ever coveted, Ihould I not, after ftrch a crime^
fit pining 'midft my fplendour, the victim of ac-
cufing confcience, finding a curfe in every blefling.
Alonzo. My heart burns with impatience to
lead your valiant troops to juft revenge but let
vigilance and caution guide us.
Orozimbo. My friend, do thou direct us at thy
will [to the fnefls \ prepare the rites, the fa-
crifice for war, and let the prieftefs who wa's laft
received a fervant of the Sun, approach the altar
with her faered prelem*
The prlejls range round the altar folding-doors
open, and priejle^es enter and range on each fide *
Cora enters, bearing offerings in a golden bajket*
Alonzo.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 27
Alonzo. " *Tis flie-r-'tis Cora fupport me,
** heaven this unexpected fight o'erpowers
" me." [Afide.]
Cora, [not feeing Alonzo, advances and kneels at
the altar.] Thou, glorious Sun, accept our hum-
ble offerings receive with favour the righteous
Jiornage of our grateful hearts If thy children
e'er have broken the laws of hofpitality, if ever
they have failed to greet a ftranger with a Bro-
ther's love, they nor deferve, nor dare to hope
thy fatherly proteclion^-but if they have not
merited the wrongs they fuffer, prefer ve protect
them !
[Priefts and priefiejfes projlrate tbemfelves ;
Catalpo takes from the altar an Indian weapon,
and gives it to Cora.]
Catalpo. Prieftefs, bear to our chief this confe-
crated weapon, it ihall defend the Sun's infulted
glory, our fovereign's, and his people's rights.
j_Cora receives the weapon, and in bearing it to
Orozimbo, fees Alonzo exclaims, tf Oh,
heavens !" drops the weapon, and faints r-
Alonzo endeavours to ajjift her.]
Catalpo. [/0 Alonzo.] Forbear- the proffered
kindneis claims our thanks; but thy unhallowed
hand wou'd be a profanation to a prieftefs' facred
perfon,
Orozimbo. What means this tremor ? What
ihock fa fuddenly has ftruck that lovely frame ?
Cora. I know not a momentary weaknefs
[Cora is borne off by the priejlefles.
Orozirnbo. Let all attention wait her 'tis but
the effect of apprehenfion from her inexperience
}n her facred office
E 2. Alonzo*
a8 COLUMBUS :
Alonzo. She feemed much agitated- - Ho\v
{hall I bear this aggregate of mifery - my
agony I fear will fpeak, what fhou'd be hid from
all. .[^/fcfej
Orozimbo [to the priefts^] Conclude your rites ;
and may the power fupreme accept our fervent
prayers, and be our humble offerings .grateful to
him. {~The Seem clofes..^
SCENE II. An Indian
Enter Dolores wid Bribon.
Dolores. 1 tell you, this new world is crammed
with wizzards and aftrologers, that whiz about in
the night time, raifmg ftorms, tempefts, and
mifchief ; and can tell the day a man is to die,
\vith as much certainty as as
Bribon. As you can the death of your own pa-
tients.
Dolores. And can prolong your life year after
year as eafily - as you can a law-fuit.
Bribon. But what curfed luck it is to be cooped
up here with a parcel of favages, who know as
much of litigation, as I do of the war-whoop
here I fee gold enough to make me a judge ;
but I can't get a bit big enough to buy a fcrap
of parchment.
Dolores. Curfe the new world, 1 lay -there is
not a man in it wants a phyfician but myfelf
If I cou'd but have gone back vyith Columbus
he muft by this time be near Spain, and perhaps
old Dorothy's dead.
Enter Nelti.
Neltl [Jigbs.] Shall I never fee my dear En-
gliihman
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 29
glifliman again ? He pleafes my heart when pre-
fent, but ah, how he plagues it when abfent.
Bribon. Singular cafe always plagued my wife
when prefent, pleafed her when abfent. [addrefs-
ing AW//] Moft amiable and wealthy favage, be-
hold a lawyer and a chriftian, who will give you
the fee fimple of his heart, and receive in return,
all your love*, and [ajldi] all your money.' Doctor,
I wifh to join iffue here I'll employ you as
counfel, fay fomething for me.
Dolores. I will I will [apart to Nelti.] My
dear, beautiful goldfinch, that fellow is a wicked,
cheating lawyer.
Bribon. I fee he's doing my bufinefs for me.
Dolores. Look with an eye of commiferation
on one who loves thee. Oh, how I long to
kifs thofe pouting lips.
Nelti. You ngly creature, if you touch me,
I'll cry out.
Dolores. \_afide,~\ Cry out, ha, ha J when a wo-
man declares me will cry out, and when I fay I will
give a man a ducat to fave him from flarving, I
believe we are both apt to be curfedly worfe than
our words come, oae bufs Oh hid, oh lud !
how much in love I am !
Bribon. You old propagator of poifons, is this
the way you plead my caufe ? By heaven, my
dear, that old aflafim has killed more rlvmali the
bravoes in Spain.
Nelti. Is a Doctor a bravo ?
Bribon. Yes, my dear, with an univerfity edu-
cation why, you old idol of grave-diggers, have
not you confounded all diftinction between a pre-
fcription and a death-warranthad not you a re-
gular
30 COLUMBUS :
gular annuity from the undertakers have not
you cheated me out of thoufands, by making
people die fo fail, I had not time to make their
wills ? here's a pretty fellow to make love to a
fweet girl Why, he's as blind aa juftice, as un-
feeling as a whipping-poft, as difeafed as a -laza-
retto, and as old as a chancery fuit.
Dolores. Oh, you Janus-faced villain What,
traduce my fame ? was not I always a favourite
with the women ? when their huibands were ill,
did not the dear creatures always fend for me ?
had not I the honour of receiving a gold medal
from the inquifkion for keeping a man alive nine
days, during the moft excruciating torture ?
and did not I cure you of a crick in the neck,
which you got by {landing in the pillory, you
one-ear'd rafcal ?
Nelti. Yonder I fee Herbert, and (hou'd hf-
find you here
Bribon. He, I fuppofe, wou'd make his cane
join ifTue with my head I abfcond.
[Exit,
Dolores. Oh, you cowardly villgin ! what, run
away egad, I'll be off too.
[Exit.
NeltL [alone~\ Now I'm alone, I'll practice fuch
behaviour as, I am told, the women in the other
v/orld ufe, that I may win the heart of my dear
Engliihman. Firft then, I muft avoid him
certainly but that I'll do fome other time then
I muft abufe him true, but how ! Oh, were it
my talk to praife, how prodigal would this heart
be in pouring forth its ftore, which niggard now,
will not afford one harm idea. But I muft try -
ah, yonder he comes well, I'm quite indifferent
whether
A*ST HISTORICAL PLAY. 31
whether I fee him or not I'll not walk in his
way, I'm determined.
[Retires up tkejlage*
Enter Herbert.
Herbert* It's always my infernal luck to be in a
rage to think that thefe innocent people, who
lived as happily before the Spaniard's came, as
the people in a village do before an attorney
comes among them fhould now have gridirons
for beds and what they iiink worfe the Spa<-
niards ^lace on their bodies, which were as free
as Englimmens an indelible mark of flavery.
Oh, I hope nobody will contradic~t me to day~ I
wim I could fee Nelti- her foothing fondnefe
would
Nelti pajjes him [Jinging^]
Ah, Nelti* how do you do ? [/<W.J :My loVet
my love ! ! [louder.~]
Nelti. Is it you ? I declare I did not obferve
you.
Herbert. No *whaf might you be thinking of,
my dear ?
Nelti. That fuperior being, the elegant Alonzo*
Herbert. You were? and pray what might in-
duce you ?
Nelti. Heigho! [fight*]
Herbert. My fweet girl, I'll tell you what, t
have been in a mod infernal rage, and I am not
fure it is quite abated fo, to prevent miftakes,
kifs me, and, if you pleafe, we'll have no jokeas
at prefent ; for, tho' I love joking pretty well, I
love kiffing a devilifh deal better.
Nelti. [apart'] What a charming effect unkindnelf
has
32 COLUMBUS; ,
has I'll even give him plenty on't really, Sir,
you muft poflels a confiderable lhare of vanity, in
fuppoimg there is no objcdt worthy my regard but
you don't deceive yourfelf you, whom Do-
lores fays, kicked the women, and were kicked
by the men.
Herbert. He faid that, did he ? When I have
the honour of meeting him, I'll try whether I
have forgot my kicking. But zounds, did not
you tell me you adored me r
Nelti. But then I had fcarcely feen the elegant
Alonzo, the fage Dolores, befides, that was fomc-
time ago.
Herbert. Whew ! ! ! Oh, there muft be fome
miftake certainly one of the wizards old Do-
lores talks of muft have been bui'y here but
come, Nelti, have done with folly, and tell me
you love me iincerely.
Nelti. I wifh I cou'd but
Herbert. Damn "your buts, yon imp of mif-
chief, what do you mean ? have you encouraged
me one day, to make my mortifications greater
the next ? have I left the jilts of one world
to find the fame whirligig tricks in another
don't provoke me, or, by St. George and his
dragon, I'll damnation, that a man can't, with
honour, beat any woman but his wife.
Nelti. Oh dear, I have gone -too far Harry,
Harry ! "
Herbert. Keep out of my way, or by all the
heroes in England I Ihali never contain myfelf
do-'t come near me, talk of me, or think of me
Go to Alonzo, go to the doclor, or go to the
devil ; and as long as you are as mifera.ble as I
wifh you, dam'me if I care where you go -
[Exit.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 33
Ntlti [cryi'tg'~] I find I don't know how to ufe
a man ill I was a fool for trying it I can't tell
how Englifh women manage but I am very fure
I was made to ufe men kindly.
[*//.
SCENE IV. Vbe Spantfh Camp.
Enter Mofcofo and Spaniards, with booty. ,
Mofcofo. Our commander Roldan, muft not
think of fharing in this treafure damn fubordi-
nation are not we Chriftians fuperior beings ?
and have not we a right to murder as many In-
dians as we think fit ?
ijl Spaniard. Aye, to be fure ; if they won't be-
come Chriftians quietly, we muft broil them till
they do.
Enter Spaniards, pulling in Cuto.
id, Spaniard. This is the faucieft Indian we
have caught yet all good words are thrown away
upon him, fo, bring in the rack.
Mofcofo. Come, be content to work and become
a flave, and we'll fhew you how to live.
Cuto. No, give me your tortures, and I'll
ihew you how to die.
Enter Roldan.
Roldan. The hour feems big with horror, and
the vivid lightning, blazons the murky mantle ot
the night with awful Iplendour Mofcofo, why
are you abfent from your guard ? carry that
gold to my tent.
Mofcofo. I won't I tell you what, Viceroy, my
F maxim
34 COLUMBUS :
maxim is this, always to obey my commander
to the lad drop of my blood, while he lets me
have my own way why, you are not in Spain !
by St. Lucifer, 1 won't part with the gold, fo,
what fignifies. oppolition, when you know you
can't help yourfelf ?
Roldan. Oh, Columbus, how fully art thou
now revenged \afidi\ execrable wretch ! but
we are friends the common fafety requires obe-
dience, and only to preferve you ail from death,
I venture to oppofe your wills.
Mofiofo. AVell, well, I am fatisfied I am of a
fweet difpofition I have murdered many a man
without bearing him the lead ill will.
Roldan, Who is that Indian ?
Mojlofo. I don't know ; but he's a damned
faucv one, and minds no more dying, than we
do killing him.
Roldan. Has the torture extorted no fecrets
from him ?
Mofcofo. We have not began to pinch him yet.
f^ noife-is beard, with thunder and lightning.
Roldan. What means this horrid noife ? The
earth trembles.
Mcfcofo. Oh, mercy !
Roldan. Cowards, proceed to extort confefllon
from that reptile.
Mofcofo. I won't touch a hair of his head do
you think I am a iavage ? how the ground lhakes !
[Noife again.
Roldnn. This war of elements is aweful, and
may make theie half-formed villains fqueamifh.
[Aftde.
Mofcofo. Could you find in your' heart to tor-
ture
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 35
ture a poor fellow-creature ? We'll releafe that
Indian. [To Roldan.]
Roldan, Well, be it fo,
("Cuto Is releafe d, and exit,
ut let not fouls like yours be daunted ; 'tis not
the firft tempeft you have vvjtnefled cheerly, my
friends.
[JE*/V,
Mofcofo. I think its quite gone off bring that
rafcally Indian back, we'll
[Noife tncreafes,
Oh, mercy ! why, this is an earthquake,
ijl Spaniard. Earthquake aye, a terrible one,,
Mofcofo. The earth feems ready to open and
ftvallow us up-r-let us find the prieft and get ab-
folution Oh, mercy ! mercy !
[Exeunt,
SCENE V. A view of the Temple of the Sun. In
the back ground a mountain.
\T"bunder and lightning.}
Enter
Alonzo. Where'er I turn, 'tis ruin all and death,
The wrath of heaven, roufed at the crimes it views,
pours forth its mighty vengeance. " Oh God of
" juftice may thy awful power bury within that
" earth their fins incumber, all who for thirft of
" gold forget humanity, and dare to make thy fa-
" cred name a fanction for their crimes." In this
hour of horror, how does my anxious heart beat
fqr her fate, who never can be mine this tern.-
ple's hated walls" encircle all that on earth could
make me blcft but how can I approach her, and
F 2 ;Q
36 COLUMBUS :
to remain uncertain of her fafety, is worfe than
death [a barflj noife, and part of the mountain is dif-
lodged.j E'en now, perhaps, the earth entombs
its richeft treafure. \_A turret of the temple is thrown
down] The dreadful fhock increafes. Spare,
fpare my Cora !
[A violent crajh a part of the temple is thrown
down through the chafm Cora is feen clinging
to a column Alonzo runs in, and bears her out
jhe faints.
Alonzo. Revive, revive, my angel \ let no fears
afTail that fpotlefs bofom Turn not from him,
who, 'midft this fhock of nature, knows no ter-
ror but for thee.
Cora. Whither am I borne ? What art thou ?
Tell me 'tis he, 'tis he the conftant object of
my thoughts.!
Alonzo. Has Cora e'er beftowed a thought on
on her Alonzo/' Oh joy unhoped for. " In this
*' dread hour to ihare thy fate was all my utmoft
" wiflies could afpire to but now to hear thee
" own a mutual flame, is blifs which bears my
" raptured mind almoft beyond the check of
" reafon."
Cora. How my heart beats at this unlooked-for
meeting. How little couid I hope to be thus
blefs'd a few ftiort minutes fince, when I expected
death at every rude commotion yet, even then,
on thee my thoughts were fixed thee I im-
plored to aid me, and my laft figh would have
breathed bleffings on thee,
Alonzo. Oh my Cora, how {hall I tell thee
what I feel at this excefs of tendernefs.
[A violent foock, and a Volcano emits its fury.
Ha.'
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 37
Ha ! heaven ! my joy had banilhed from my
thoughts all fear ; and mult we, muft we, at a
time like this, glut the devouring earth, or drown
in floods of fire let's fly to feek for fafety.
Cora. Safety 'tis here ^throwing herfelf into his
armi\. within thy arms I dread no danger.
Alonzo. My heaven of blifs, to die in thy em-
brace, death would have no power to inflidl a
pang, but thy dear life is all I have to hope of
happinefs on earthy and heaven diredt me to
preferve it.
[Exeunt.
END OF THE THIRD ACT.
ACT IV.
COLUMBUS :
ACT IV.
SCENE I,* A rich country with an arbour*
Alonzo and Cora difcovered.
Alonzo.
MY Cora, methinks I never lived till now ?
all that has pafled of life, has been a dull
journey to this point of happinefs.
Cora. Alonzo Oh, how that name vibrates
thro' every nerve ; and maizes fuch fweer com-
motion in each pulfe, as tho* they fwelled tq
emulate my lips, and {trove to utter it.
Alonzo. How my fancy glows with all the hap-
pinefs which awaits us we'll fly together to the
dear retreats, where nature reigns with uncon-
trolled dominion there, free from every care
which dwells with bufy, artificial life, each day
fliall greet us with unclouded joy, and each new
hour (hall bring increafe of blifs there (hall the
dear delights of huiband and of father
Cora. Oh, Alonzo ! [y7;* is near fainting]
Alonzo. Why droops my love ?
Cora. Father, faid'ft thou ? that word has
from my lethargy roufed me to madnefs What
have I done ? Love has with tyrant power fub-
dued my foul, and forced from my fond mind
each fenie of duty and each tie of nature where
fhal}
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 39
{hall I fly ? where has the earth a place to hide
a wretch like me ?
Alonzo. Do not diftradt me, Cora explain thefe
terrors be quick to tell me, that my heart may
lhare in every pang of thine. -
Cora. Doom'd to the cruell'ft lot of human mi-
fery, hear all the horrors of my fate when I,
with heart which ne'er had felt one fenfe of paf-
fion which it glows with now, gave up my future
days to holy folitude, " that I by fuch afacrifice,
" might heap more honours on a father's head
" than e'en his virtues could procure him" I
then (Oh, heaven) fhould love e'er prove my con-
queror, configned myfelf to death, e'en thee,
Alonzo, that rafh oath condemned thee too.
Alonzo. Ceafe to bewail without a caufe a few
ihort hours will bear us from the dread of all the
terrors which opprefs thy fear-ftruck fancy
then hade, my love,
Cora. Whither, Alonzo ? What, leave my
haplefs father and my fitters to expiate my crime
they are fureties for me my flight would
doom their innocence to bleed for my offence.
Alonzo. What doft thou utter ? Am T am I
the author of fuch direful ruin am I the mur-
derer of thy guiltlefs race? did not affeclion
check my ireful arm did not my love command
me tq exift to lhare thy doom, whatever fate de-
cree it, no longer wou'd I ftruggle with the hor-
rors that I feel, but part with life and mifery to-
gether.
Cora. Is this the comfort thou canft give to
Cora ? Ah, why talk I of comfort comfort's
the lot of innocence fhall guilt like mine fhal!
blind diflracled paffion, hope to feel the dear
felicity
4<5 COLUMBUS :
felicity that virtue feels Leave me, Alonzo,
and preferve thyfelf ; then let me fly to meet the
worft of deaths, fo I may fpare my honoured fa-
ther's life, and lave the offspring which has not
difgraced him.
Jttonzo. Oh, ceafc, in pity ceafe let not thy
frantic defperation drive thee to certain ruin.
Cora. Alonzo, can'ft thou counfel parricide
wonld'fl thou receive a murderer to thy arms ?
Lead me to the temple. The tumult of the night
may have preferred my flight unknown then let
me hafte.
Alonzo. Muft I refign thee muft we part
[taking her hand~\ Oh, Cora, how hard a fate is
ours.
Cora. Alonzo, if parting thus with thee, or
inftant death were left me to decide on, how
fhould I fpurn exiftence fo dearly to bepurchafed.
But, oh, my father my fillers then let
defpairing love prey on my heart the anguifh of
remorfe fhail never reach it.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II. The outfide of the Temple*
Enter Alonzo and Cora, with great caution.
Alonzo. 1 have beheld no creature, all feems as
ftill, as if the late convulfive fhock of nature had
fpared no beings but ourfelves.
Com. For what a fate Alonzo, are we fpared :
let me not think, or all my reiblution will for-
fake me Leave me before I well can realize our
parting; for if I give fcope to the dire thought,
madnefs or death muft rob me of all thought.
Alonzo.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 4 i
Alonzo. 1 will not, cannot fay farewell ; for
yet, propitious heaven may blefs us with each
'other.
Cora. Oh i Alonzo, no more
j~ Alonzo leads her to the temple they embrace
jhe goes into the te mp'.e -He exit on one fide of
SCENE VI. T& town,
Enter Herbert and Nelti tvi'tb a
Herbert. " Forgive thee, my angel name
( not the word I like a woman to be a little
" whimfical in trifles, as long as ihe has the Ita-
(t mina of affection at bottom-^-I am for none of
'* your ftill, quiet, good fort of women, that
" make a man^ life one continued dead calm
<f no ho refrefhiiig breezes for me : when one
<e is fure not to be driven by them on the rocks
" of averfion^ they render the voyage of life free
** from languor and inlipidity "
Nelt'r. Reft 'allured every future breath of mine
fhall fpeak only affedtion and efteem -but, my
Herbert, to owe my life to thy protecting arm,
is fuch joy, as makes me, fpite of its awful hor-
rors, blefs laft night, which thus, reitor'd thee to
my aching heart.
Herbert. My charming girl ! Egad, I thought
it was all over with us.
" 'Nelti. Oh, Herbert ! what uneafy hours
ff have I palfecl, and what melancholy thoughts
*' have been put into my ' head -look here 1
[jbewing the ^tfc/j
G " Herbert.-
4-2 COLUMBUS:
" Herbert. Who gave you this what do you
" call it ?
" Nelti. One of our necromancers.
" Herbert. Necromancers ha ! ha ! ha !
" Nelti. Every body believes in them they
" fay they can raife florins and thunder can
" tell who'fe lives are joined together
" Herbert. Lives joined together a curious
" doctrine
" Nelti. But I'll never truft them again.
" Herbert. No, my dear, truft only to me,
ef and you'll certainly not have to deal with a
" conjuror."
Nelti. Here, come thofe frights, Dolores and
Bribon I fhou'd like to plague 'em dearly.
Herbert. Shou'd you, you rogue. Egad, what
you have told me about necromancers, and the
ftrange opinion of your country, that people's
lives are joined together, has given me an idea
which will plague them confoundedly, " for
tl their credulity in aftrology is equal to their
" profeflional ignorance." This way, and I'll
explain.
[Retire v.p the jlage.
Enter Dolores and Bribon, quarelting.
" Dolores. Why do you keep following me,
" and chattering your curfed jargon
" Bribon. I'll walk where I like, and talk what
"'I like
" Dolores. Very true as* nature here aflerts
f her rights, of couffe monkies have privilege
" to chatter without fear of correction, but" to
compare
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 43
compare your paltry profeflion with the noble art
of healing ?
Bribon. Why, to fay the truth, Doctors do put
people out of their mifei-y.
Dolores. Come, that's better than lawyers, who
put them into mifery, and leave them there.
Bribon. Call in a phyfician, he kills, or nature
cures.
Dolores. True ; but call in a lawyer, and egad,
kill or cure, right or wrong, is equally fatal
[ feeing Herbert.] Zounds ! there's Herbert
tufh, be quiet let's liften,
Herbert and Nelti come forward.
Herbert. You amaze me ! Can it be pofiible
that your necromancers are fo very potent ?
Nelti. True indeed, my love.
Herbert. This union of lives is very wonder-
ful, and doubtlefs very true If old Dolores
knew that his life depended on another's fate,
how anxious wou'd he be to know vvhofe
Dolores (ind Bribon run forward, and Interrupt
him.
Dolores. I am very anxious.
Bribon. I'd give half my eftate to know it.
Dolores. Lives linked together ! oh ! I've
heard of it.
Bribon. So have I it's a wonderful difcovery !
Dolores. To be fnre it is. Why, it accounts
at once for thofe'curfed unprofitable apoplexies.
"\Vhat's that cat-o-nine tails f
G % NeltL
44 COLUMBUS :
AV///. Thefe varied coloured braids explain
every thing as your books do.
Herbert. By thefe knotty hieroglyphics, the
necromancers expound the decrees of fate Ob-
ferve.
Dolores. Keep off I would not touch it for
the world the idea makes me paralytic. " I
" hope my partner for life is one of thefe fine
" healthy Indians long life to the worthy crea~
" tures I love them in my heart, and fo I ought
" are not all mankind a kin to one another ?"
" Herbert. So Roldan and his crew feem to
" think, for they treat the Indians exadly like
" poor relations. "
Bribon. I'm exceedingly alarmed wonder who
they could find to couple with a lawyer's foul.
Svveeteft of women if you would condefcend to
enquire.
Dolores. Oh, if you would obtain from the
necromancer one of thefe conjuring things, to
inform me who is interefted in my unhappy lot,
I'd pray for you I'd go to the devil for you*
I'd
Nelti. And never again teaze me with love ?
Bribon. Never never.
Dolores. I'll hate you as' long as I live.
Nelti. Then meet me prefently you fee yonder
cave.
Dolores. Yes.
Nelti. That's the dwelling of the necromancer.
Dolores. I won't go there I would not fee his
devillhip for the fame of JEfculapius.
Brifon.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 4 j
Bribon. Nor 1, to be the Lycurgus of the nevr
world. . $.'
Nelti. Well then, I'll take care you fliall not
fee him fo, follow me, and I'll get you infor-
mation will fet your hearts at eafe*
Bribon. I declare, what fhe has faid, has made
me fo ill, I can fcarce fland Oh, lord, I am
afraid my accomplice is going.
Dolores. Come, Bribon, forget and forgive
[gives him a phial] and, as you are ill, there's a
pretty, taftelefs medicine that I'm fure will do
you good, my dear friend Dam'me, but there's
a dofe for you, however.
[ Afide and exif.
Bribon. [to Herbert^] And does that old fool
think I'd enfure death by taking^ his curfed po-
tions ah, Sir, there is no way to deal with
doctors.
Herbert. I beg your pardon, give them fees'
while you are well, and nothing when you are ill,
and they are not the mifchievous animals you
think them.
Bribon. If the necromancer will-but fpeak the
truth -
Exit*
Herbert. Ha ! ha ! already I've perform'd a
miracle for there go a phyfic.ian and a lawyer,
wilhing to find among men health and fmcerity
This partnerfhip of lives is a whimfical kind of
doftrine, and yet, abfurd as it feems, I feel it
not altogether untrue, for were my Nelti to die, I
believe, Herbert, thy life wou'd not be worth
many davs.
[.r/V,
SCENE
46 COLUMBUS :
SCENE IV. The inftde of an Indian b
Enter Dolores.
Dolores. How anxious I am to know whom my
precious life is joined to Ah ! here comes Neki
Tell me, my dear girl
Enter Bribon.
Get out of my way
Bribon. I tell you what, old Hellebore, I'll
Ah, here fiie comes now for ic
Enter Nelti with a Quipos.
Dolores. Sweeteft meflenger of fate, tell me the
name of him, the chords of whofe heart are fo twift-
cd with mine, that one crack will diffever both.
Nelti. Now attend I faid to the necromancer,
Moft profound and Jearned fage, on whofe life
depends that of old Doctor Dominic Dolores ?
fays he, Has he not a decrepid form withered
face funk eyes pug-nofe paper lips leather
cheeks ftraggling teeth fays I, the defcription
fuits exaftly He then gave me this, which in-
forms me your life is joined to
Dolores. Whom ?
Bribon. I hope, fome rafcal, who will be hang'd
in a week,
Nelti. Very likely, for it is joined to a lawyer's,
and his name is -Bribon [with deliberation^ and
Deeming to expound the Qitipos~\ when one dies, the
other will inevitably expire.
Bribon. Oh,'lud ! Oh, lud !
Dot ms. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear !
Nelti.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 47
Neltt. I fee I've made you quite happy fo,
good bye.
\^Exit laughing.
Dolores. Oh, cruel fate ! that my precious life
muft depend on my mortal enemy I can't bear it.
Bribon. To be in the fame death-warrant with
that old fuprerannuated villain Oh, 'tis too
much !
[They each Jit down lamenting, look at each other
fome time firft, with fear and anxiety 9 then
they fmlle and draw nearer to each other. ^
l)o j ores. I think it was ridiculous enough in us
to quarrel about a filly girl, Eh, Bribon ?
Bribon. Very, Doctor ; juft as if there were not
unavoidable miferies enough in life, without mak-
ing them.
Dolores. True how do you do ?
Bribon. You don't look well.
Dolores. My dear friend, let me feel your pulfe
Oh, lord, 'tis very quich.
Bribon. Dear Doftor, fit down.
Dolores. I fay, Bribon, you did not, (may be,)
happen to fwallow the contents of the bottle I
gave you [with bejitation.\
Bribon. Oh, the fcoundrel ! [/7/&fc]-^Firft tell
ine how you are.
Dolores. Why, independent of my care for
you, I am very well fo, you did not take the
medicine ? Well, its no great matter I'm not
offended with you perhaps it is well as it is.
Bribon. What an old villain ! If I thought it
would hot endanger his life, I would plague hijn
heartily
48 COLUMBtf S :
heartily [afide.~\ I don't think, my dear Dodor,
you look ill.
Dolores. Ill ! I never was better in my life
Bribon. Egad I will I'll plague him [aftdi^
and, thank heaven, the cordial you gave me, and
which I have juft fwallowed
Dolores, [greatly ahirnid.] Why, you did not
take it, did you ?
Bribon. Every drop I dare fay it will do me
infinite good.
Dolores. Oh, I dare fay it will let me feel
your pulfe again perhaps it may give you a bit
of a twinge acrofs the ftomach -but don't mind
it.
Bribon. No you feem frightened.
Dolores. Not at all don't agitate yourfelf
let me feel your pulfe again- how lucky it is,
ray dear friend-r any thing the matter ? -How
lucky, I fay, that the lives of two men fliould be
linked together, who love eack other fo fmcerely
Eh, what's the matter ?
Bribon. Nothing 1 felt a little ugly pain, but
its gone off I can't help laughing to think we
Ihould quarrel about a girl Ha, ha ! ha, ha !
Dolores. Ha, ha ! Oh, Lord ! Ha, ha, ha
Are you fure the pain's gone off Ha, ha ! Oh,
Lord ! oh, dear !
Bribon. Oh, there again : they increafe
increafe Oh ! oh !
Dolores. I am a miferable old man !
again, Eh ?
Bribon. Have you any more of the bottle ?
Dolores. Oh, no 1 have a notion you have
had enough of that. [AJide.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY 49
Bribon. I'm torn to death pray preCcribe for
me.
, Dolores. Oh, Lord ! not for the world Leave
it to nature fhc's the beft phyfician Do you
feel better ? I think you look better.
Erlbon. ^fitting down en a chair.'] I feel I am
dying as a proof of my love for yon/ Dodtor,
1 bequeath you (Oh !) all my property what^-
ever, and wifh you a long and happy life.
Dolores. But, zounds ! you forget I (lia'n't out-
live you a minute {JSribon appears convulfedj
Oh i he's going help ! help !
Enter Herbert (after having been peeping.)
Herbert. What's all this bawling ?
Dolores. Can nothing fave my dear friend > >
my life is wound up in-his.
Herbert. Ah> poor Bribon ! what, he's going
now, is not it a mocking thing, Do&or, that, be-
caufe this fcoundrel is dying, fome amiable gen-
tleman won't live half an hour ?
Dolores. O, very mocking ! and between you
and I, Herbert, I am that amiable, miferable old
gentleman.
Herbert. How will you part with Nelti ?
Dolores. Pooh ! {luff- Do you think I mind
parting with Nelti, or you, or all the world ? r
No; all my ftrugglcs are, how to part with my
fweet felf, how to bid adieu to this dear, delicious
little body Oh 1 he's going he's going.
Herbert. Can you do nothing for him ?
Dolores. Bleeding, bleeding's all that's left
If my hand's Heady enough, I'll open a vein.
H Herbert.
50 COLUMBUS i
Herbert. Be fure you cut deep enough.
Dolores. I will I will but I hav'n't my in-
ftruments about me.
Herbert. Here's my fvvord.
Dolores. Give it me I'll bleed him
Bribon. [jumping up.~\ No, you don't don't
be frightened [to Dolores] blefs your foul, it was
all a fetch.
Dolores. Come to my arms [to Herbert] what
are you grinning at ?
Bribon. Ay, what are you
Dolores. I'll be revenged on him I'll trick him
out of Nelti yet.
Bribon. What?
Dolores. I'll marry Nelti.
Bribon. What, are you mad ? marry a young
mettlefome wench that pooh nonfenfe why,
arfenic wou'd not fend you to your grave with,
more expedition.
Herbert. True, Bribon I'll go to Nelti fo,
farewell, Doctor. [Going.
Dolores. You fha'n't you IhaVt I demand
fatisfaclion Oh, you cowardly
[Dolores attempts to follow him, which Bribon
prevents Herbert returns t in apparent anger ;
then Bribon fnatches up Dolores in his arms,
and runs off with him.
[Exit Herbert, laughing,
END OF THE FOURTH ACT.
ACT V.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 5 j
A C T V.
SCENE. I. Outjide of the Temple of the Sun.
Enter Alonzo.
Alonzo*
STILL, muft I wander near thefe awful walls,
uncertain of my fate.-" Though days and
Weeks pafs on, yet nought I gain from lengthened
time, but added woe. Still, ftill I tremble for
her life ! And were my mind relieved from that
diffracting fear, what comfort even then could
reach me The treafure of my foul's immured
in yon impenetrable ftrine buried for ever
in that grave of youth and beauty .-Where
can I find a thought of ought but wretchednefs
[Stands in a pofture of defpair.
Solafco comes from the Temple and obferves Alonzo.
Solafco. Alonzo !
Alonzo. What wou'd'ft thou ?
Solafco. I come from Cora.
Alonzo. From Cora fay'ft thou ? I dread
Solafco. Dread the worfl.-^-The haplefs victim
of unholy love fends to, Alonzo her dying bleffing.
Alonzo. Oh heaven !
Solafco. Her abfence from the temple was dif-
covered. She was feen with thee. She begged
Hz me
52 COLUMBUS:
me to conjure thee by her love, to fave thyfelf
from death by inftant flight obey her quickly
[Going.
AlonzQ. Stay, ftay I charge thee.
Solafco. I have performed my office ; urge not
my ftay, for I have feelings hard to be fuppreiTed,
and which, if not fuppreifed, might wound thee.
Alonzo. What can now wound me more ?
Solafco. We thought thee perfect, we adored
thee with reverence, fit only for the power whofe
worihip thou haft violated.
Alonzo. Forbear old man ; ceafe thy untimely
c hidings.
Solafco. My woes may furely juftify my chid-
ings. " I, who behold a race, in which each
44 virtue heaven could give, all honour human
<* power could beftow, has bloomed for ages,
r blafled with infamy, with infamy by thee.
Alonzc. " Forbear, forbear."
Solafco. I, who am doomed to view the deareft
.object of my doating fondnefs, whofe goodnefs
oft' has ftecped thete aged eyes in tears of joy,
to fee her branded with guilt, devoted to de-
flrudlion. Have not I full caufe, thus loudly to
complain, and to upbraid thee,-rl, her haplefs
father ?
Alonzo. Father fay 'ft thou ? [falling on bis knees']
Thou, the father of my Cora. " Oh forgive me;
1 yet how can'ft thou forgive fhe murderer of
1 thy child ? Strike, (hike this weapon in my
f guilty breaft Oh give me death; it will at
' cnce to thee be vengeance, and to me be
Solafco.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 53
Solafco. <( I feek not vengeance ; vengeance is
** for weaker woes. But tell me, how could'ft
<c thou heap fuch anguifh on a heart that never
*' injured thee ?
Alonzo. " Oh father, let me call-- thee fo
<e wring not my foul thus" I love thy daughter
with a flame pure as her virtues ; think then what
I muft feel, and even thou may'ft pity me.
Solafco. If thou doft truly love my haplefs
child, e'en in the rnidft of all my woes, my bo-
ibm owns one pang for thee The torments of
my Cora foon muft end. Thine, alas ! but let
me not encreafe the forroww I could wifli to foothe
Farewell obey my dying child, and grant
her all the joy fhe now can tafte to know that
thou art fafe.
Alonzo. Think'ft thou I am bafe enough to live
the monument of her deftruction, and my own
difgrace. No, if my life cannot alone appeafe
your violated laws, let me at leaft partake my
Cora's doom, and in a fond embrace expiring,
I'll blefs the fate, that e'en in death unites us.
Solafco. Our law allows no partial mitigation
leave her to meet the doom thou can'ft not fave
her from ; and do thou bear life a little longer,
to give unhappy Cora, in her dying pangs, one
ray of comfort.
Alonzo. Oh my father !
Solafco. Farewell, farewell my fon ; and if thou
can'ft be happy, heaven can tell I wifli thee fo.
[Exit.
Alonzo. Now then the fum of horror is com-
plete. r
[Indian inftrument founds.
Enter
54 COLUMBUS :
Enter Orezimbo attended.
Orozimbo. Alonzo, thy aid is now our chief
reliance Roldan prepares to attack us ; and fince
the good Columbus left our coaft, thro' many
tedious months of care and danger, thy counfel
and thy valour, ftili have been defence and lafety
to us. But, why droops the brave Alonzo?
If any tender fcruple of fhedding native blood
now check thy wonted ardour, freely avow the
generous weaknefs. On thee depends our fate-
yet would I welcome the lofs of empire and of
life, rather than fave them by Alonzo'S mifery.
Alonzo. No With koneft zeal I draw myfworcl
again ft the enemies of innocence, tho' the fame
clime hath bred us. He who regards his coun-
try^ real honour, owns for his countrymen, none
but the virtuous. Yet, Orozimbo, this heart is
burfting with its anguiih.
Orozimbo. Thy ibrrows, tho' I am unconfcious
of the caufe, have found their way into my kin-
dred breaft. Tell me thy griefs, that 1 may
foothe, perhaps relieve them.
Alonzo. Thou, thou alone haft power to do it.
Orozimbo. Then, by my kingdom, thou fhalt
find relief,
Alonzo. [Looking vound~] Command that all re-'
main at diftance.
Orozimbo. Retire !
[Troops retreat to tloe back ofthejlage.
Alonzo. [Points to the Temple^ Behold thofe
xvails ! does thy exalted mind, which owns the
nobleft energies of reafon, does it approve that
fr.rudture, reared by miftaken zeal, to glorify the
Deity, by the dire facrifice of all his deareft
bleffings ?
Orozimbo.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 55
Orozimbo. Say on.
Alonzo. Does me, who, in the prime of youth,
when every fine affection of the foul glows with
its nobleft fervour, when all the joys of life feem
decked with magic fplendour, does me defervc
the punifhment of guilt, who, buried in yon*
ruthlefs prifon, cafts a fond thought on the de-
lights (he has loft, dares to condemn the tyranny
which binds her, and claims her right to liberty
and love ?
Orozimbo. 1 would afpire to reign beyond the
limits of weak prejudice ; but reflect, Alonzo,
how facred are a country's cuftoms.
Alonzo. There, there's the fource of half the
mifery of human kind cuftom is the vile con-
founder of virtue and of vice. It checks the
operation of our godlike reafon, and makes the
greateft glory of creation, a being void of will
Oh, Orozimbo, foar fuperior to the miftsof error
when thy great fouldifplays unmanacled its glo-
rious attributes thou'lt ceafe to think that God
delights in cruelty, whofe bled infufion in the
human heart breathes mercy and benevolence.
Orozimbo. Oft have I admired thy wifdom and
thy virtue ; but, now methinks, in thee I hear
the voice of heaven, and it lhall be obeyed.
But I muft pr^ife thy wonderous goodnefs, which
can thus plead for orher's mifery.
Alonzo. There I am unworthy of thy praife
mine is a felfifh zeal 'I've fued for one whom I
adore ; nay for myfelf I've fued. Oh, Orozimbo,
in the repeal of an inhuman law, thou haft re-
ftored my forfeit life nay more the life of her
I love.
Orozimbo. What do I hear ?
Enter
56 COLUMBUS :
Enter Cuto.
Cuto. Great chief, the foe is on their inarch-
your warriors are affembled, anxious for your pre-
fence to lead them to victory.
Orozimbo. On my friends.
Alonzo. One moment (lay. Left the fell chance of
xvnr (which, heaven avert) fhou'd leave my lovely
Cora without the generous friend fhe has found in
thee ; firft let me bear your royal mandate to the
temple, ftrictly commanding, (whatever fate may
in the battle wait us) pardon and liberty for her.
Orozimbo. I mufl in perfon give the important
mandate Lead on the troops [/0 Alonzo^] and
I with fpeed will join you. [to the troops.] 1 leave,
you to the conduct of the brave Alonzo.
Orozimbo goes towards the temple, Alonzo beads.
the troops
[Exeunt.
SCENE III. A Battle.
Excurjlons Alonzo is feen fuccefsfully to attack
Roldan, who is relieved by a party of Spaniards
Alonzo retreats fighting Indians driven
acrofs the Jla-ge.~\
Enter Orozimbo, attended^ and Herbert.
Orozimbo. Alas ! our efforts arc, I fear, in
vain.
Herbert. We'll fight, my noble chief, 'till we
force victory to crown us our deeds lhall ihame
her for inclining to our daitard enemies- Alonzo
bears about him like an hungry lion.
Orozimbo. Heaven protect and aid him.
Herbert
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 57
Herbert. What an unlucky dog am I I was
within fix yards of that deftrcyer of innocents,
Roklan, and yet the villain had the good luck to
eicape me I have not had a bit of fighting fo
Jong, and this whet has given me luch an appe-
tite ha, ha ! here comes work for me now, my
boy, Herbert, flick to them.
Enter two Spaniards.
\ft Spaniard. Yield direclly, you Englifh de
ferter.
Herbert. Yes, I am a deferter; but there alone
\vhere an Englishman will be one, from villainy
and oppremon to honour and humanity Have at
yon, bloodhounds !
[Tbey fight, feize Herbert's fword-arm, and fores
him off tbe Jhge'j during tukicb Nelti enters in
tbe arep of a female warrior.']
Nelti. Herbert in danger [draws her bow] Aid
me, ye powers ! [bffitttts] Alas ! his manly
breaft prefents itfelf, and my erring hand may
Hay my love "-They overpower him now, heaven
diredt me {JheletsJlyanarr<K<i] he's fafe [falls
on her
Re-enter Herbert, driving a Spaniard acrofs the
Jlage.
Herbert. Saved by a woman's hand ! fhe faints
the fpirit which animated her to preferve me,
now finks beneath the weight of its own effort
Good heaven ! can it be ? Tis Nelti.
[Hugging her.
Nelti. Oh, Herbert, joy has almoft the fame
effect that terror had, and J am fcarce able to bear
the excefs of happinefs your fafety .gives me.
I Herbert
S 8 COLUMBUS :
Herbert. My dear angelic girl, I am in fu^h
tranfpoit, I fcarcely know, whether I am in carer*
or in heaven. \_/houts.~] But let me be (low you in
a place of fafety, for you hear I am wanted.
AW//. Then my bufmes is not done I came
here to watch your fafety, and I'll not leave you;
fo, obey me you are not the fir ft hero who has
had a female commander.
Herbert. Then ad:, my love, like a commander,
and get out of the reach of danger as fail as you
can See how the Indians fly Hah ! we are tur-
prized, and our retreat cut off This way this
way
Exeunt, [a troop of Spaniards purfu'.ng.']
SCENE THE LAST. A garden of the Temple of the
Sun at I he upper end an arc!:.
Enter Catalpo and prieft:.
Catalpo. Tho' I receiv'd, with ail apparent re-
verence, the mandate of the King, to fpare tha
impious prieftefs, I but diflembled, to prelcrve ;
ourfacred rites inviolate had I oppoLc! the 1
order, his power would have relcutd iioai our
grafp, the object of our vengeance.
" Prieft. But, fay,Caralpo, does no doubt re-
" mainof this young prieftefs' crime ! For, I
"chief's command to fpare her life, he fui\ly.
f( deems her innocent.
ft Catalpo. There can exift no doubt Or
" morn which followed that dreadful niglr, .
<l the dire war of elements ' diffufeci fucn general
tf horror, BleiTco, whofe truth none yet e'er douLt-
" ed, beheld her conducted to the temple by one
<l of thefe hated Grangers, \vi:h whom llie |>arted
" wich
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 59
" with every mark of fond endearment Long he
" concealed this, till at length his conference fore-
<f ly wounded by the guilt he fecreted, he on his
" oath declared to me this profanation." Inftant
condudt the offender to her doom.
Enter priejls, conducing Cora in procejjion, with ar-
chers and Solafco.
Solafco. [falling on his knees."] Oh, reverend
prieil, on my devoted head let fall the vengeance
of the offended lawthe crime was mine ; I
heeded not the tears which trickled down my
Cora's angel-face; I liftened not to the reproving
fighs, which forced their way from her lament-
ing bofoin ; but, deaf to nature's voice, com-
pelled her to dedicate her youth to folitude and
mifery.
Catalpo. Hence, nor offer further infult to of-
fended heaven, by pleading for a wretch who
braves its laws.
Solafco. Sure heaven will pardon a poor old
man, who pleads for mercy to his child the of-
fence was mine, then take my forfeit life, but
fave, O fave my Cora.
" Catalpo. Retire ; for tho' no pray'rs lhall urge
" me to negledt the duty which I owe to heaven,
" I do not wifh a father's eyds to view the fhed-
" ding of his daughter's blood.
" Solafco. And does thy piety, thy filial love,
" then doom thee to deftruftion ? Curfed Solafco !
** how worthlefs art thou of thy child thy injuf-
" tice devoted her to mifery, and in return fhe
" dooms herfelf to death, to fave her cruel fa-
" ther's life."
[Cora throws herfelf round his neck.
I 2. Catalpo.
60 COLUMBUS :
Catalpo. Dost thou ftill with impious dubborn-
nefs, perfift to keep concealed the partner of thy
guilt ? Say, who it was feduced thy innocence ?
Com. Oh, for mercy, fpare me ib dire a
thought Shall I be his accufer Oh blels, pre-
ferve him, Heaven.
Catalpo. This inllant meet thy fate.
Enter Cuto.
What ram foot dares, unbidden, to approach
the facrcd Temple ?
Cuto. I vvifh my tidings did not julTify in-
truijon Reverend Prieft, freedom is loll the
barbarous toe hath conquered.
" Catalpv. /o Corel] Thou haft armed the hand
S( of Heaven again ft us its indignation falls on
" ourheads in vengeance for thy crime*' Lead
to her death.
Cora, [as they felze ber] Hold doth Alonzo
live ?
Cuto. He was too brave for life With ardour
more than human he fought the fierceft dangers
of the fight, and hurled deftrudtion round him ;
but at length hemmed in bv numbers more than
"D *
mortal arm could force, he muft have fallen, to
fwtll the horrors of this dreadful day.
Cora. Then welcome, death [fixed in a pofture
of dcjpair~\
Catalpo. Ha ! it muft be fo the fecret is re-
vealed.
Cora. Lead me to mv fare Your cruelty will
now be mercy My foul's impatient to throw off
this load of life, eager to join the fpirit of my
lord, and foar in union to the realms of bills.
Cat a Ipo.
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 61
Catalpo. Silence this frenzy or if thou muft
be loud in exclamation, curfe with your dying
breath your impious violator.
Cora. Peace, monfter, dare not to breathe a
found reproachful to my Alonzo's memory, left
I forget the calm folemnity this awful moment
claims, and pour on thee my curies.
Catalpo. To death with her, and -thou, old
man, this inftant quit the Temple, or behold
thy daughter bleed.
Solafco. Farewell, my child, I'll weep no more.
This burfting "heart will foon force out a paf-
fage for my foul to take its flight and follow thee.
[^Embraces Cora and Exit.
'The ceremony takes place, the Archers range, and
Cora is led to the upper part of the Jl age 'The
Archers draw their arrows, then Alonzo rujhcs
dozvn, covers her with his Jhleld, and exclaims
Hold, monfters, hold ! They are aftonifoed
at the appearance of Alonzo and drop their bows
Cora faints, Alonzo bea^s her forward.
Alonzo. My life, my Cora Could their barba-
rian hands dare point their vengeance at thy love-
ly form ? And have I then the blifs to clalp thee
once again Tho* danger, and tho' death on
every fide furround us, ilill to enfold thee thus is
extacy.
Cora. My loved Alonzo They told me thou
wer't dead, and I was eager to efcape from life,
again to meet thee.
Alonfo. By miracle hath Heaven preferved me
But fay, what meant thofe bloody rites ? [to Ca-
talpo]
Catalpo. Think not thy frenzy lhall impede our
juftice.
*2 COLUMBUS;'
\QroxJmb(> without^
Make fa ft the Temple gates The foe wiif
fbon be here [comes forward] Alonzo doll thou?
live, my friend ?
Alonzo. The arm of heaven was furely ftretched
ro iave me I forced my way thro' the oppofing
multitude, and Icc-iro- all was loft, I came once
more to view this precious treafure, and die de-
fending it here I met death in all his dircft hor-
ror, cloathed in the garb of prieftly cruelty, not
even thy command their king's decree, could
Hop the torrent of their barbaro js zeal.
Orozimbo. Thou traitorhence from my fight
begone [Exit Catalp<>~] death waits us all
let's meet it us we ought.
[Tttftani jhouts.
Alonzo Oh ! what a moment of diftraction
muil I beheld thee [to Cora] finking beneath
the weight of butchering f words, or worfe, leave
thee the viclim of a brutal conqueror.
Cora. Can my Alonzo orudge me the blifs
to die with him fouls linked like ours, the call
of death Ihould never futnmon fingly. The hor-
rors of captivity, thou need'ft not dread for me.
-This fyndtf&ing Aloi^zo's pctgnard~\ if the fabres
of the foe {brink from iliedding a woman's blood^
this {hall prevent my lingering in life, when my
ccar lord has left it.
[Noife at tie gate of lb 'Temple and flout s<
Alonzo They come now then for death.
Orozimbo. [Embraces Alonzo land Cora] Fare-
l farewell.
They alt fan A in pofii'.rcs of Jcfynce ; a noife is
heard Like the burfting of a gat?, Herbert rujhes
in.
Herbert.
AN HISTORICAL FLAY. 65
Herbert. Huzza ! victory ! victory 1
Alonzo. Herbert !
Herbert, \_comes down] Vi&ory ! juftice hap-
pinefs. [embraces AlonzcT] huzza !
Alonzo. Inftant cafe this anxious heart.
Herbert. Give me brealh \JJiouts ivitlont~\ huz-
za ! now for it in our late overthrow, rinding
our retreat cut off, Nelti and I fcampered towards
the fhore, with a troop of the whiikered blood-
hounds at our heels. There, to my furprize I
beheld a fleet Spanifh colours they were land-
ing I hailed the firil boat Who's your admiral
lays I Columbus ! Columbus !
Orozimbo and Alonzo. Columbus
Herbert. I fay, Columbus
Aknzo. Then 5 Spain, thou haft retrieved thy
name.
i Herbert. Who*s your admiral, fays I Co-
lumbus.
: Alonzo. Say on.
Herbert. He landed, and when I had done
crying, I informed him what had happened.
On the inftant his troops flew to arms. But Rol-
dan's crew faved us the trouble of fighting they
fell on their coward knees [_J]jouts~\ but here they
come, and as they ought Roldan in chains, And
Columbus triumphant.
Alonzo. Hear'ft thou, my love let thefe de-
lightful founds difpel the hideous horrors which
oppreflcd thee, and elevate thy foul, like mine, to
heavenly blifs.
Cora. Blifs Alonzo! Can happinefs be ours?
Alonzo. Forever. [Embraces }:er.~]
Oroziwbo.
64 COLUMBUS :
Orozimbo. Receive, Alonzo, receive thy Cora
to tiiv arms, and mav the o-iver of all blifs Ihowcr
* f ' j
clown upon your faithful loves, his choiceft blel-
iings.
Enter in frocejjlon - Trumpeters Sf
diers Others bearing prcftnts Models of gum
Sadors with model of a /I no Monks bearing the
bible and crofs- Spanijh banners Dolores and
Bribon Spani/k Joldiers Roldan y Mofcefo, and
Spau'/k foldiers, chained Solafco'- Ndti y -uiilh
Indian women fcaitenng flowers Banner of'ilie
order of Alcantara Attendants bearing infiznia
nil J
Columbus.
Columbus. Oh, my dear country, for I muft
call thee mine, do I again behold thee ? This
happy hour o'erpays my utmofttoil. My friends,
much have I to enquire.
Alonzo. Great Columbus, till my heart is made
acquainted with thy fortunes, I cannot tell thee
of my happincfs. Has Spain redrefled thy in-
jurieshas Ferdinand
Columbus. Alonzo, my wrongs were enviable
captivity was triumph When amidil the ap-
plauding fnouts of thou lands, I approached the
royal pretence, the fuffering monarch ihrunk
from the light, and threw his mantle o'er his
face, crimfoned with fliame ; then railed me to.
his arms, (till my pride luitained me ; but when
I beheld the beauteous Ifabella, try to force from
their dire grafp my galling chains, and on each
wound drop a balmy tear, loyalty and love ruiht-d
on my foul, I embraced her royal feer, and gave
her tears for thanks ; then all the pride of pa-
geantry was decreed, but my foul languiihed for
the
AN HISTORICAL PLAY. 65
the time, when, Orozimbo, I might thus again
enfold thee, and reftore to thee thy kingdom,
freed from the gripe of ruthlefs tyranny,
Orozimbo. Created of men, in firmer! confi-
dence of thy excelling virtues, I repofe my peo-
ple's fafety.
Columbus. \jo Herbert] My noble Englifhman,
receive from my hand this lovely maid, and fuch
benefits as I can beftow, you may command.
[Talks apart with Orozimbo, Alonzo, and Cora,.
Nelti. Now, my dear Herbert, you will be-
come a great man, and live at your eafe.
Herbert. A great man, and be at eafe ! never
was fuch a thing heard of. This is the fort of
being which paifes for a great man, and I hope
you don't call this being at eafe \_Erefts his head,
and walks about ftruttingly.~] Ha, ha ! No, my
love, it requires a curled deal more hard la-
bour to impofe on the world, than fuits the tran-
quil indolence of my difpofition. And now, that
all may this day be happy, Doctor, a word with
you.
ttribon \_runnmg before Dolores.^ What do you
want, Sir, with my friend ?
Dolores. Aye, what do you want ?
Herbert. Only this, my excellent friends, I
have abufed your credulity.
Dolores. How ?
Herbert. Your lives are independent of each
other, and now you may hate again as heart-
ily as ever.
Dolores Did not the necromancer?
Nelti. I was the necromancer, old Dominic.
JC JDolores.
66 COLUMBUS, &c.
Dolores. You were Get out of my way, you
[Kicks at Bribon.
Bribon. Ha, ha!
[Snaps bis fagers at Doroles.
Columbus and the reft come forward.
Columbus. That was indeed a triumph. See
thofe wretches clofely guarded their punimment
muft not now damp the joy I fed. Oh, were I fa-
tisfied no future Roldans would alarm your peace,
I Ihould be bled indeed. Had I earlier known
that Englands monarch would have graced my
fortunes with his victorious banner, then would
your freedom have been firmly fixed. They only
who themfelves are free, give liberty to others.
BRITONS again behold Ccli'mbus fue
To have his fortunes patronized by you ;
To your fupport alone he trufts his caufe,
And refts his fame, on Engiifhmens applaufe.
FINIS.
EPILOGUE.
WRITTEN BY MILES P. ANDREWS, ESQ.,
SPOKEN BY MRS. POPE.
L D (lories done old times long fince forgotten,
Like mufty records, little read, and rotten,
Return we now, to periods founder grown,
To happier days, and readings of our own j
Where'er we ope the book, the ftile is clear,
The int'reft charming, the conclufions, dear;
Our means are flourifhing, our joys not fcant,
PofTefs'd of every good, the heart can want,
Old tales of conquefts, thrown on diftant (helves,
We've little left to conquer but ourfelves :
An arduous ta(k and yet to do us right,
We lofe no time in entering on the fight ;
Mifs, fcarcely in her teens, attacks Mama,
Already having routed fage Papa ;
" I'm not a chit I will turn up my locks,
" I will wear powder, and I won't wear frocks ;
" I hate to dance with boys, now I'm fo tall,
" I'm fit for any man, at any ball ;
" You want to keep me back, becaufe its known,
" When girls grow up, their mothers, they grow down.''
Pert Mafter Bobby too, releas'd from fchool,
Hectors at home, and early learns to rule j
The fplendid ftud, relinquifh'd by his fire,
In grand difplay, awaits the youthful Squire ;
And while to Cambridge he (hould ftudious <er >
Newmarket's courfe arrefts his gay caree*
There
EPILOGUE.
There he, long odds - r -Jh*rt bettSj pafi dice, 2\\ pat in,
Sticks to the Greeks, and disregards the Latin ;
?lown up to town, our fterce-cock'd, captious Bobby*
Drives to the play, and quarrels in the lobby j
" Sir, you're a fcoundrel ' damme Sir, you lie"
* Sir. here's my card, for damme I am I."-
Thus is the boy, intent to ape the man,
A puff of difco.rd, and a flafh in pan.
In married life, refolving each to drive,
A fvveet contention keeps the flame alive ;
" I know my province fo do I, my Lady
" You'll prove my torment you've proved mine al-
ready.
" To guard my rights, my Lord, I muft endeavour
" You're always out and you are out for ever
" Then both I truft are happy, fpofo cam (with ironical
tendernefs)
''* You throw at hazard, and I punt at .pharo ;
*' Each have their objecl: fb refentment finother
*' Hold out the o\\vz branch, or wear another."
Suffice this raillery enough to prove,
Our nobleft conqueft, is our own felf-love ;
The Author, who to night has greatly dar'd,
To brave the iflue of your high award ;
( Tho' old, the legend whence his fcencs he drew,
Humbly prcfumes, the inference may be new $
S!v-. Id then the efforts cf his untaught mufe^
't^flj tho' fmall defcrt, his flights excufe ;
Let
' eniov, for all his anxious toils.
. >
' v ht reward the triumph of your fmiles.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
COMEDY,
IN FIVE ACTS,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
COMEDY,
AS IT IS PERFORMED
AT THE THEATRE ROYAL,
HATMARKET.
By Mrs. INCHBALD.
THE SECOND EDITION.
LONDON:
Printed for G. G, J. and J. ROBINSON, Pater-nofter Row.
M DCC LXXXYII.
PROLOGUE.
Written by GEORGE COLMAN, Efijuitt*
Spoken by Mr. PALMER.
JL-MDIES and Gentlemen, TV/ tell you what /
Yet not, like antient prologue, tell the plot ;
But, like a modern prologue, try each way
To win your favour tow'rds the coming play.
Our Author is a woman that's a charm
Of power to guard herfelf and play from harm*
The Mufes, Ladies Regent ^f the pen,
Grant women Hull and force to write like Men.
Yet they, like the ^Eolian maid of old,
Their fex*s character will ever hold :
Not with bold quill too roughly ftrike the Jyrfr,
But with the feather faife a foft dfcfire.
Our Poetefs has gain'd fublimeft heights :
Not Sappho's felf has foar'd to nobler flights ;
For {he, bright fpirit, the firft Britifh fair,
Climb'd, unappali'd^ the unfuhflantial air ;
And here, beneath the changes of the moon,
Wond'ring, you faw her launch a grand Balloon * 5
While flie, with fteady courfe, and flight not dull t
Paid a fhort vifit to the Great Mogul.
Shrink not, Nabobs ! Our Poetefs to-night
Wakes not the genius of Sit Matthew Mite.
Beyond our heinifphere {he will not roam,
Keeps in the line, and touches nearer home ;
Nay, will not, as before, how e'er you fcorn her,
Reach e'en the Turnpike-gate at Hyde-park Corner.
But hold -I fay too much I quite forgot-
And fo I'll tell you No, SHE'LL tell you what.
* Alluding to the farce of " The Mogul Tale, or Defcen*
(f of the Balloon," produced the year before by the Authored.
A3 D R A-
DRAMATIS PERSONS.
Major Cyprus, Mr. PALMER.
Mr. Anthony Eufton, Mr. BENSLEY.
Colonel Downright, Mr. AICKIN.
Charles Eufton, Mr. BANNISTER, Jun.
Sir George Eufton, Mr. WILLIAMSON.
Sir Harry Harmlefs, Mr. R. PALMER.
Servants, Meflrs. LEDGER, GAUDRY, and
LYONS.
Mr. Eufton, Mr. PARSONS.
Lady Eufton, Mrs. BULKLEY.
Lady Harriet Cyprus, Mrs. BATES.
Bloom, Mrs. RILEY.
A Young I*dy, Mifs FARREN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
SCENE I. ,
A Room at Sir George Eufton',?.
Enter Mr. Eufton, followed by Sir George.
Sir George.
Jt>UT, my dear Uncle, why in fuch a paflion ?
Mr. Eujlon. I can't' help it I am out of all
patience ! Did not I leave you one of the hap-
pieil men in the world ?
Sir George. Well, and fo you find me, Sir.
Mr. Eufton. J Tis falfe you are not happy
you can't be happy 'tis falfe and you fhan't be
happy.
Sir George. If you are refolved to make me
otherwife, Sir
Mr. Eujlon. No, I am not refolved 'tis your-
felf that is refolved Did not I leave you one of
the happieft of men married to one of the
rnoft beautiful women in the world ; Did not
I give you my bleffing and a large fortune, and
did I not ftay and fee you father of a fine boy ?
A 3 Then
8 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Then only jufl went over to vifit my eftate in
St. Kitt's, and, now I'm conic back, here I find
you married to another woman and your fir ft wife
ftili living and, egad, Ihe is married to another
man.
Sir George. Bear Uncle, I mould certainly
have afked your opinion and my Uncle Anthony's
on the fubject, but your abfence put it out of my
power, and it was univerfally believed the Ihip in
which you failed was loft.
Mr. Eufton Well, you/11 hear what my bro-
ther will fay to it.
Sir George. I truft, Sir, when I have ex-
plained every thing, you will not only think me
worthy of your pardon, but even of being plead-
ed for to my Uncle.
Mr.' Eufton. Not I, indeed Nay, were it in
my power to do you any good, I would not I
lhan't forgive you myfelf much lefsafkhim But
you are right in fixing on me for a mediator; my
brother pays much regard to me truly I have
been of infinite fervice, to be fure, in reconciling
him to his own poor boy. Nay, did he not even
(for my brother Anthony would always be m af-
ter, although he was the yonngcft) when I went
to him to perfuade him to forgive poor Charles, his
fon, did he not even (inftead of my gaining him
over and getting fomething for the poor boy)
did not he even draw me into a promife never to
do any thing for him myfelf? My brother does
what he pleafes with me-r-but nobody elfe {hall
No, what I want in refolution, to him, I make
up in obftinacy, to other people.
Sir George. Sir, if you will but hear the juft
pleas I have to offer
Mr. Eufton. I will hear no pleas What do
you think my brother will fay ? Why you inconfi-
tierate boy ! He had defigned you for his heir !
j. Sir
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 9
Sir George. I (hould be as forry, Sir, to excite
his difpleafure as I am at incurring yours ; yet,
give me leave to add, I fhould derive very little
enjoyment from the poffemon of a fortune which
his fon, my poor coufin, (but for a fingle at of
imprudence) had a right to expect. And be af-
fured, Sir, that if this feeming irjdifcretion of
mine, when compared with that of his fon's,
Ihou'd be regarded fo unfavourably as to make his
offence appear lighter to my Uncle, and move
him to forgivenefs I will contentedly fupporc
the burden of his refentrnent.
Mr. Eujion. Why now that's well fpoken.
You filly young rogue, I am not angry with you
for getting rid of your wife (for that, I dare
fay, is what every fenfible man in the world wou'd
do if he cou'd) I am only angry with you for
getting another Cou'd not you know whea you
were well off, you blockhead ?
Sir George. Dear Uncle, as you are a bache-
lor, and can only fpeak of wives from theory, fup-
pofe v/e drop the fubjecl ? Is my Uncle Anthony
come to his houfe ? He knows nothing of the
alteration that has taken place in my family, you
tell me. Should I wait on him, or do you think
he will favour me with a vifit firft ?
Mr. Eufton. Now what a deal of ceremony !
'Tis a fine thing to look like a man of confequence.
My brother Anthony has had more privileges
from his looks than I ever had from being eldeft
fon even you, whom I love fo well, and have
given half my fortune to (and 'tis not long, you
know, that you have expected a fixpence from An-
thony) yet you never meet him without a low bow,
tc How do you do, Sir ? I hope you are well, Un-
" cle! I am glad to fee you !" And you Humble
" over/tfwith " So Uncle, how is it ? how is it,
" Uncle .'" And when you invite us both, * Uncle
'* Anthony,
io I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
" Anthony, I hope I fhall have the honour of your
" company" While you give me a nod, " Uncle,
I fhall fee you."
Sir George. Dear Sir
Mr. Eufton. Nay, with every other perfon
'tis the fame thing If we are fluffed into a coach,
with a little chattering pert Mifs, " Oh dear,
" Mr. Anthony Eufton, you mufl not ride back-
" wards, here is room forjy0# on this feat and Mr.
cf Eufton, I know, will like one feat as well as ano-
" ther" and then am I put with my back to the
horfes, though my head is whirling all the time
like one of the coach wheels. Then if any thing
be loft, or wanted, when no fervant is by, " Mr.
" Anthony Eufton muft not ftir for the world but
(e Mr. Eufton, they know, will be fokind as to go
" for it." And this is all becaufe I am good na-
tured. Egad ! if this is my reward, no wonder
there are fo few in the world of my temper.
Sir George. But, dear Sir, no jefting Does
my uncle intend to call on me or not ?
Mr. Eufton. Yes, I dare fay he did intend it;
and, if he does not hear of what you have been
doing, before he gets to your houfe, he will.
Sir George. Why then, my dear Uncle, will
you ftep home, and give orders that none of the
iervants mention any thing to him this morning r 1
Mr. Ei'.fton. There now ! " / ftep home and
give orders !" There 'tis, again ! Wou'd you afk
my brother to " ftep home, and give orders?"
No, I fancy not! --But I poor I will be fo good as
to do it you think But for once I won't Be-
fides, Anthony never afks qucftions cf fervants.
We inquired of our houfekeeper, indeed, how
vou did laft night; fhe told us both you and your
Lady were well, and fo we thought all iafe. An-
thony will alk no more queftions; therefore you
may
3
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. u
may have the pleafure of explaining matters to
him yourfelf, as you have to me.
Sir George. I fhou'd be forry if any imperfect
account ftiou'd reach him ; for, fo fincere is my
refpeft for him, I wou'd not even fufFer for a mo-
ment in his efteem. I will be with him in half an
hour ; but I am afraid
Mr. Eufton. No, no, he'll not be out, nor
have had any company in that time for my
brother is no failor, and he'll be too fond of the
exchange of a bed for a hammock to be ftirring fo
foon. However, I think I will ftep home and give
a caation to the fervants that they don't mention
your divorce to him. As for myfelf, I'll keep
out of his way I'll not go near him for I will
fay this for my brother, although it was never in
my power to perfuade him to forgive an injury
or an indifcretion in my life, yet I never faid to
him, " Brother Anthony, dotft forgive a thing,"
that he did not take my advice.
Sir George. But come, Uncle, walk into the
parlour before you go Let me introduce you to
Lady Eufton--Do ftep in and take your choco-
late with her.
Mr. Eufton. And, by the time I have ta-
ken a turn in the Park, and eaten a mouthful of
dinner, you'll, perhaps, have a new Lady Eufton
to introduce me to-, and I may drink tea with
her.
Sir George. Well, Uncle, whether you flay or
go, I muft bid you a good morning, for I am
obliged to attend a friend, who has a lawfuit
depending, and I fear I lhall be waited for
My prefence won't be required long, and I'll be
with my Uncle Anthony within halt an hour.
Mr. Eujlon. Very well [Going"] but you had
better take an hour Let me advife you to take
an hour. Anthony is devilrfh fharp he is not to
be
it IX L TELL YOU WHAT.
be impofed upon. Take an hour, or an hour and
half, before you fee him Anthony is a deep
man, he is not to be deceived for, I dare fay, in
his time, he has been as idle as yourfelf. And I
will go on your errand.
[Exeunt Mr. Euflon and Sir George, feparately.
SCENE II.
An Apartment at Major Cyprus'j.
"Lady Harriet Cyprus, and, Bloom waiting.
Lady Harriet. Married !
Bloom. Yes, my lady, asfure as death.
Lady Harriet. Amazing ! It cannot be.
Bloom. O yes, my Lady, I have known of it
thefe three months ; but, as they kept out of
town till within this fortnight, and your Lady-
fhip has been abroad moll of that time, I thought
I would not tell your Ladylhip till we returned to
London, when your Ladyfhip was fure to hear of
it. Why they live butjufl by, madam; and my
matter, I know, has been feveral times in com-
pany where they have been vifiting.
Lady Harriet. Ay, flie was your mailer's in-
tended.
Bio cm. O yes, my Lady, I know that.
I.afy Harriet. Infignificant girl I triumphed,
v k 'hcn I fnatched him from her, and now I fup-
jjofc, ilie thinks to triumph equally.
Blos>jj. No doubt, madam ;But, if I was
you, I wou'd let her fee I cared nothing about
hm .
Lady Harriet. And do you imagine I do care ?
No, indeed. Bloom ; my exchange is for the bet-
ter,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 13
ter, I am certain ; and \Jtghing] entirely to my fa-
tisfacYion.
Bloom. Indeed I think fo, madam : you cer-
tainly have changed for the betterand, bleis
me, I think, of all the hufbands I ever faw, my
prefent matter is fnre the fondeft.
Lady Harne-t. As for that no one cou'd be
fonder than Sir George at firft.
Bloom. Ay, my Lady, but Major Cyprus is
iiot fo flighty as Sir George.
Lady Harriet. Not fo flighty [Jighs.~\ I have
been envy'd Sir George's gaiety a thoufand times.
Bloom. Yes, my Lady, when your Ladyfhip
married firft, I fuppofe ; but you know, in a few
months, Sir George altered fo much, and feemed
fo miferable,, I proteft every fingle rap that came:
at the door made mv blood run cold, for I took
it for the report of a piftol.
Lady Harriet. You need not have feared him,
Bloom he is too fond of the pleafuresof this life.
Dear pleafures which he wanted to retrench me
in.
Bloom. More mamfe for him, madam. Now
my prefent mafter is a foldier; and, what is more,
I dare fay will foon be call'd on to go abroad.
Lady Harriet. Hah !
Bloom. Nay, I beg your Ladyihip's pardon I
thought perhaps your Ladymip wilhed to fee the
Major fliow himfelf a courageous gentleman m
the field ; and that was the reafon of your pre-
ferring him to Sir George.
Lady Harriet. I prefer 1 Did not my brother,
from Sir George's humiliating fufpicions and,
cruel treatment of me, compel us to a divorce ;
and then, as a defence for my weaknefs, forced
me into the arms of the Major ; being, I fup-
pofe, convinced that nothihg lefs than a foldier
ihould undertake the guard of a Lady's honour !
Bloom.
i 4 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Blocm. Very true, madam and I heard
the Major fay, this morning, as your Ladylhip
left the room, that " your Ladylhip's honour
would require the guard of a file of muf-
ketecrs."
Lady Harriet. Ungenerous man even worfe
to me than Sir George for poor Sir George,
from my indifcreet partiality to this ingrate, had
ibme pretence for his unkind apprehenfions ; but
Mr. Cyprus, who knows what proofs of affection
J have given him, even in preference to the man
I had fworn to love
Bloom. Nay, I fancy, that is what frightens
my matter ; for I believe he is a little fearful left
your Ladyfhip fhou'd chance to be forfworn again.
Lady Harriet. Infolent fuppofition He
knows the delicacy of my fentiments my ho-
nour to Sir George knows that, although his un-
wearied artifices conquered my too fufceptible
heart, and hurried me to indifcretions, I merited
not that fevere contumely I have endured.
Shorn. Blefs my foul ! Well, now I allure
you, you furprize me! And ib, my Lady, there
,was nothing at all in it when Sir George found
my mailer in the clofet ?
Lady Harriet. What did you fuppofe ?
Bloom. Oh, my Lady, nothing 1 hope
I did not diftrefs your Ladylhip by the mention of
Sir George's fecond marriage.
Lady Harriet. Ridiculous !
Bloom. Nay, indeed, I always thought, as
your Ladyfhip wou'd not live with him yourielf,
your Ladylhip did not wim to prevent them
that wou'd.
Lady Harriet. Don't mention that inlignifir
cant woman !
Bloom. If I was your Ladylhip, I am fure
I wou'd
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. * 5
I wou'd not care efpecially as I got married
before him.
Lady Harriet. Leave me.
Bloom. [Afide] She'll have another hufband
within half a year- and fo have three all alive
at once Well, I will fay, 'tis very hard that,
becaufe I am poor, I never can have above one
at a time. [Exit Bloom.
Lady Harriet. And fo Sir George has been
married thefe three months to another, and in-
tirely forgot me To be fo foon forgotten ! I
lhall never now forget him, I am certain. He has
behaved like a man of refolution and fpirit in
cafting me from his heart, and I feel the irre-
parable lofs. Why were we divorced ? I fhou'd
have difliked him flill had he been my hufband ;
and yet how tender, how patient to my failings
to what Mr. Cyprus is His cruel and unjufl
fufpicions of me are not to be borne. How
provokingly did he treat me laft night I was
too tame but the next time he infulrs me with
hisjealoufy, I will endeavour to augment rather
than pacify it I'll try a reverfe of conduct
Though, indeed, I am tolerably provoking in all
our wrangles : yes, thank heaven, I can fay as
qool fpiteful things as any woman in the world.
[Exit.
SCENE
j6 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
SCENE III.
'Another Apartment in Major Cyprus'.* Houfe.
Enter Colonel Downright, followed by the Major.
Colonel Downright. I allure you, Major, this
is the firft vifit I have made fince I fet my foot in
London. Nay, and faith, no great compliment
to you, neither ; for, as I parted with my fellow
pailengers at Portfmouth, I don't know that I
have a friend or acquaintance in the whole town
but yourfelf.
Major Cyprus. I am happy in your want of
friends, Colonel, if it gives you occafion to con-
fider me as one.
Colonel Downright. As for that, I don't want
friends neither, 1 believe; only they are not here,
at prefent. I have plenty of friends on the other
lide the Atlantic. Zounds, I think it wou'd be
hard for a man, who has been fo long in the army,
and borne a poft like mine in it, not to have a
regiment of friends, at leaft.
Major Cyprus. Which is a great confolation to
you, no doubt, Colonel.
Colonel Downright. The greateft in the world,
Major. But what ! you have changed your
houfe fince I was laft in Englandthis is not the
fame, I think, tho* near the fame fpot.
Major Cyprus. Yes I have changed my houfe
and, what is more, changed my flate too, Co-
lonel.
Colonel Downright. Why, you are not mar-
ried ?
Major Cyprus, What furprifes you ?
Colonel
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 17
Colonel Downright. Nay, I am not furprifed
at your marrying, only at your appearing fo eafy
about it.
Major Cyprus. And why not, Colonel ? A va-
luable woman
Colonel Downright. Very true very true
and fo I wiih you joy with all my heart. (Shaking
hands] But, who is the Lady, pray ? Do I know
her, or any of her family ?
Major Cyprus. Did you know Sir George
Eufton ?
Colonel Downright. I have heard of him.
Major Cyprus. She was his Lady.
Colonel Downright. A widow !
Major Cyprus. No Ihe was no widow.
Colonel Downright. Did not you fay me was Sir
George Eufton's wife ?
Major Cyprus. Very true but Sir George is
itill living.
Colonel Downright. What, the devil, is the
man living, and you married to his wife ?
Mdjor Cyprus. It was a divorce, Colonel.
Colonel Downright. A divorce ! Whu ! Now
I underftand you. Why that's marriage en mili-
taire. You might well appear fo eafy.
Major Cyprus. Fy, Colonel I allure you Lady
Harriet Cyprus and I are a mofl happy couple
and my having fnatchcd her from " a dull doat-
ing hufband" gives fuperior pleafure and triumph
to our blifs.
Colonel Downright. The hufband is much obli-
^ t_>
ged to you both.
Major Cyprus. Why, poor fell ;w, that is the
worft In fpite of the congratulations I receive
from my friends, and my natural defire of fame,
and propenfity to conquefl, I do feel, and cannoc
help it, a moft deep forrow and companion for
the thorns I have planted in his bofom.
B Colonel
18 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Colonel Downright. But, I fuppofe, he ufed his
Lady very ill, before he provoked her to the di-
vorce, and certainly preferr'd ibme other ?
Major Cyprus. Oh no, by no means ! He
doatcd on her, even to the day of their feparation,
notwithflanding it was be who fued for the di-
vorce.
Colonel Downright. He who fued for the divorce
Oh ! that was it ! I underllood you, that you
had planted thorns but you laid borns I fuppofe.
Major Cyprus. [Smiles'] Ha ! ha !
Colonel Doivnright. Oh ! I wifh you much joy.
Major Cyprus. Why ironically, Colonel ? De-
pend upon it, I am the envy of all the men in
town- Lady Harriet Cyprus is a perfect beauty.
Colonel Downright. I am glad {he is perfect in
iome refpect.
Major Cyprus. Oh ! \_WithJome inquietude] ri-
diculous, Colonel Divorces happen now every
day and the favoured lover is the rnoft admired
and envy'd of mortals, while the poor hufband be-
comes an object of general pity.
Colonel Downright. Ay, the hufband ?
Major Cyprus. Yes, the hufband.
Colonel Downright. Ay, andj0 are the hufband
now.
Major Cyprus. Pfhaw ! the forfaken hufband.
CoUncl Dowrigbt. You pity him ?
Major Downright. Certainly.
Colonel Downright. And if he is a tender-heart-
ed man, I fuppofe he pities you.
Major Cyprus. Ha, ha, ha Let me defcribe a
fcene to you, where poor Sir George's fkuation
inuft affect the mofl obdurate heart. Lady Har-
xiet fcufton Cnow Lady Harriet Cyprus) was,
when I fir ft became acquainted with her, a very
loving wife : (we are friends, Colonel, and I
will venture to recount a few anecdotes to you)
a, very
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. ig
a very loving wife indeed ; and, but for my infinu-
ations artful infinuations I may call them
had continued her conjugal regard fhe had been
to this hour an example to wives, if I had not
tempted her to ftray.
Colonel Dwnright. Ay, you !--- or fomebody elfe.
Major Cyprus. \T)iJlurbed~\ Hear me out, Co-
lonel fhe was long an example to wives fhe
was I affure you. But to defcribe to you Sir
George's pitiable fituation, and what was chiefly
the caufe of the divorce One evening we had
prolonged the tete a-tete rather beyond the ufual
time ; when, unexpectedly, Sir George and a party
of beaux and belles were rufhing up flairs,
<f Dear Major/' cried my wife
Colonel Downright. Your wife ? Sir George's
you mean.
Major Cyprus. Yes, Sir George's then -but
my wife now.
Colonel Downright* Ay, ay, arid I mofl fin-
cerely give you joy ! [Ironically]
Major Cyprus. Pfhaw, you put me put; :
tc Dear Major/'' cried my wife : or Sir Gedrge's !
if you will have it fo "What will become of us,"
(for Sir George had given Us forhe little proofs
of his jealoufy) " what will become of us !"
exclaimed the then Lady Harriet Eufrori-
" Put me into your thimble, into the eye of
your needle, madam/' faid I Iflftead of which >
cramm'd I was into that clofet.
Colonel Downright. That elofet !
MajorCyprus. That very identical clofet, which,
you fee there for Sir George never loved the
houfe after, and fo fettled it on her Ladymip
Screwed up in that clofet, I believe I remained
ten minutes; when old Lady Downfall, \vho was
of the party, called for drops, the door was open-
ed, and out dropt your humble fcrvant.
B z
r:o I'L L I K L L YOU WHAT.
Colonel Downright. Zounds, it was enough to
make you wifh yourfelf
Mrjor Cyprus. Nay, it was Sir George's place
fo \viih himielf away. Every beau in the room
was round me in a moment; and, whifpering,
(f Give you joy, Major" " The happieft man
in the world" " An Alexander" " A conqueror
every where." Even old Sir Samibn Sinews fhook
his head, and wiihed to be in my place.
Colonel JJownrigbf. Zounds I would have
thruft him into the clofet, and kept him there for
a month. But what did the hufoand lay all this
time ?
Major Cyprus. That is what I was going to tell
you What did he fay ? Whv, he laid nothing.
You may depend upon it, he heard and faw all
the hall-ftiikd laughs, and was wife enough to know
to whom they were directed ib poor fellow he
turned pale bit hislips^ looked at her Ladyfhip
looked at me looked at his fword and then
cried, 4t Heigh ho !"
Colonel Dow wig/: t. Heigh ho ! And what the
deuce did you fay ?
Major. What do you think, I faid ? Egad, I
"jcas a little ccnfufed.
Colonel Downright. Con fu fed !
Alajcr Cyprus. And do you know I &id Faith
it was an odd fpeech, and has been laughed at
iince in a thoufand fafhionable circles the con-
clufion of it has been particularly marked. " Dear
{f Sir George," faid I He was {landing where you
may be (here, a little more this way; and I jufl
where I am at prefent " Dear Sir George," laid
I (half {lifting a laugh, for by my foul I could
not help it, though I pitied the poor devil too)
" Dear Sir George," faid I, " I'll tell you what"
( \ you will fa&uobedy to blame in this affair I pro-
" tcil my being in that clofet was entirely owing to
' I'll
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. sn
<( I'll tell you what" In fliort to an an unde-
fail : ! fome thing" There I made a full Hop.
r, Dujuurigbt " An undefcribable iome-
Major C pfus. 'Tis true upon my foul; thole
were the very words.
Colonel Downright. Owing to an " Unde-
fcribable fomething," and " I'll tell you what,"
that I got into this clofet : and fo I fuppofe the
next day Sir George left both his wife and the
clofet, and you have ever fincc held poffeffion.
Major Cyprus. After fome other explanations,
and regular proceedings, I became the happy
hufoand he was never formed to be.
Colonel Downright. But I hope you keep the
key of the clofet.
Major Cyprus. You will have your joke, Colo-
nel ----- Sir George, out of defpair, isjuft mar-
ried again and Lady Harriet's affection for me
is fuch yet faith I muft confefs to you, too, Co-
lonel, that notwithstanding I am fo very happy
in my marriage and my wife fo very beautiful
and fo affectionate yet I am a fad wicked fellow ;
I have not forgot my old ways no, I am going
to-morrow evening to meet a Lady of untarnifhed
reputation a married lady Faith 'us wrong
I know it is but I cannot withftand the tempta-
tion no, I cannot forget my old ways.
Colonel Downright. And do you fuppofe her
Ladyfhip can forget her old ways either ?
[Tawning.
Major Cyprus. For fhame, Colonel but you
are fo fond of a joke egad I have a great mind
to make you laugh moft heartily at the bulinefs I
have now on my hands you wou'd fay it was the
moil impudent thing of me I'll tell you another
time,onpurpofetomake you laugh ; noother defign
B 3 what-
22 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
whatever. [_A bell rings] That is her Ladyfhip's
l?ell come, I will introduce you to her directly;
and, I flatter myfelf, you will admire my choice.
Cglonel Downright. It does indeed excite my
admiration molt prodigioufly. \Exeunt.
End of thefirjt A3.
ACT
YL L T E L L Y O U W H A T.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
A Room at Sir George Euflon'j.
Enter Mr. Anthony Eufton, and a Servant.
Servant.
I'LL let nty mailer know immediately, Sir.
[#//.
Mr. Anthony. Sir George has changed all his
fervants, I think, as well as his houfe, for I have
not feen one- that I know; and not one of them
feems to remember their old friend Anthony
Eufton.
Enter Servant*
Servant. I beg your pardon, Sir, I though
my matter had been at home ; but he is not. /
Mr. Anthony. Is not he ?
Servant, No, Sir ; he has been gone out this
half hour.
Mr. Antbony. He is gone to my houfe, then,
I dare fay Is your Lady at home ?
Servant. Yes, Sir.
Mr. Anthony. Be fo kind as to let her know I
fhould be glad to fee her.
Servant. What name, pray Sir ?
Mr. Anthony. Only fay a relation fhe will be
glad to fee. [Exit Servant. J Sir George may not
be gone to my houfe, neither; for, perhaps, my
B 4 brother
24 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
brother has not yet called on him, and he may be
ignorant of our arrival. This houfe is a hand-
forae one yet, I wonder Sir George fhou'd leave
his other for I remember my niece was remar-
kably fond of its iituation Poor girl if Ihe
knew it was Anthony, Anthony Eufton, I believe
ihe wou'd not be fo long in coming. (Goes to the
fide cf thejcem and calls) Gome, come, my dear !
'tis an old friend that wants to fee you (He walks
to the oppofitejide, and, when he hears Lady Eufton
entering, he returns and calls.'} Come, come -fure
you have kept me long enough !
Enter Lady Euflon.
(As Mr. Anthony is going with great eagsrnefs to
fa lute her he flops Jhort, and foe curtcjies.)
Mr. Anthony. I beg your pardon, madam ! I
thought I had been fpeaking to my niece.
Lady Eu ft on. Your niece, Sir?
Mr. Anthony. The Lady of the houfe, madam.
Lady Euflon. I have the honour to be miftrefs
of this honfe, Sir.
Mr. Anthony. Madam !
Lady Euflon. My name is Eufton, Sir.
Mr. Anthony. Good Heaven ! Is then my niece,
that beautiful young woman, dead ?
Lady Euflon. The Lady that was Lady Har-
riet Ogle, Sir ?
Mr. Anthony. Yes.
Lady Euflon. No, Sir, fiie is flill living, and
very well I law her the other morning.
Mr. Anthony. Madam, you rejoice me.
Lady Euflon. You are only miftaken in the
houfe, Sir ; that's all.
Mr. Anthony. Madam, you make me happier
than I can exprefs. But how cou'd the miftakc,
happen? They told me my nephew lived here
- ' T1J
Indeed,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 25
Indeed, I named no names at the door, but only
aik'd the man if his matter was within ; and your
name being Euflon, madam, I fuppofe, firft caufed
the mi flake.
Lady Eufton. Very likely, Sir.
Mr. Anthony. I beg pardon for the trouble I
have give you.
Lady Euflon. No apologies, Sir Permit me
to order one of my fervants to fhew you to Lady
Harriet's.
Mr. Anthony. No, I am much obliged to you.
If it is the fame houfe that Sir George Eufton
lived in, about two years ago, I know it very
well.
Lady Eufton. It is, Sir.
Mr. Anthony. Madam, I thank you and once
more beg pardon for the trouble I have given
you, through a miftake.
Lady Eufton. Dear Sir, no apology permit
the fervant to fhew you to Lady Harriet's.
Mr. Anthony. No, madam, I thank you; I
have been often there, and know the houfc very-
well. Madam, good morning to you I beg
your pardon good morning, madam.
[Exit Mr. Anthony.
Lady Eufton. Good morning to you, Sir
This is certainly an uncle of Lady Harriet's, who
is unacquainted with her divorce and I couM
not inform him of it ; 'twould have led to fuch.
difagreeable explanations, and fuch a long round-
a-bout ftory it muft have caufed " Sir, I am fc
5< cond wife to your prefent niece's^r/? hufband" -
Lud ! Lud ! how afhamed I fhou'd have been
Lady Harriet had better explain it by far.
[Exit Lady Eufton.
SECNE
a* FLL TELL YOU WHAT.
SCENE II.
A Room at Mojor Cyprus'*,
Enter Colonel Downright end Sir Harry Harmlefs.
Sir Harry. Now the Major is gone, Colonel
notwithstanding all he has been talking, of love,
and his vaft happinefs you will hardly believe it,
perhaps but he is not fo very happy.
Colonel Downright. No !
Sir Harry. No, poor man you will hardly
think it but he is jealous.
Colonel Downright. What already? And, for
Heaven fake, of whom ?
Sir Harry. Nay, I allure you he has no caufe
Nor is he jealous of one alone, he is fo of
every body and will be fo of you therefore, I
tell you, that you may be on your guard. I am
conflantly with his Lady and him, and, becaufe
the poor woman once fhut him up in her clofet, he
now fufpedts a lover concealed in ever)'' part of the
houfe and I have known him, when the mad fit
has been upon him, fearch for a fuppofed rival
even in her drawers and band-boxes.
Colonel Doivnrigkt. Pray Sir, do you live in
the houfe ?
Sir Harry. I have been on a vifit here thcfe
fix weeks.
Colonel Downright. And during that time
Sir Harry. I have feenfuch things! Enough to
terrify me from marrying for wives are fome-
times fo provoking, I am fure I cou'd not keep
my teipper Now, here is Lady Harriet Cyprus
yon cannot think how provoking fhe is fhe fome-
times fays fuch terrible things to her hufband,
that, I am fure, if fhe was my wife
Colonel Downright. Why you wou'd not beat
her, wqu'd you ? or lock her up ?
Sir
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 27
Sir Harry. No but perhaps I might kick her
lapdog, or do fome outrage to her drefs.
Colonel Downright. You wou'd make an admi-
rable foldier, Sir Harry.
Sir Harry. I muft own, Colonel, I fliou'd have
no objection to a commiffion, where the regimen-
tals were becoming.
Colonel Downright. Really !
Sir Harry. And indeed, Colonel, I am pofitive
you wou'd be obliged to prefs cornmiffioned offi-
cers, if it were not for the becomingnefs of fome
of their drcfles.
Colonel Downright. Give me your hand, Sir
Harry. I like you much and could I fee you
m after of a firelock, or a wife
Sir Harry. No. While my neighbours marry,
I never fhall.
Colonel Downright. Why fo, Sir Harry ?
Sir Harry. Their wives will do for me.
Colonel Downright. I am amazed, Sir Harry,
that the Major, jealous as you defcribe him, fhould
fuffer you to remain in his houfe !
Sir Harry. I have often been furprifed at it
rnyfelf.
Colonel Downright. You have !
Sir Harry. But he never was jealous of me,
founds it piques me fometimes. The ladies are
foncf of me, and yet the gentlemen are not jealous
of me But, indeed, my amours have all been
managed fo fecretly, that none of them have ever
yet come to light.
Colonel Downright. But who has been to blame
there, Sir Harry ?
Sir Harry. 1 have paid regard to the reputation
of the ladies, and none to my own. I exped: an
aflignation to-morrow evening, and I queftion
whether I fhall mention it to above three or four
of my acquaintance, notwithstanding the lady is
reputed
2 8 I'L L T E L L Y O U W H A T.
reputed a woman of honour, and is befldes a mar-
ried lady.
Colonel Downright. And would you divulge
the appointment iboner on that account ?
Sir Harry. Certainly ! Had I a wifh to build a
reputation.
Colonel Downright. Who have we here ? [Look-
ing out.~\
Sir Harry. The Major and her Ladyihip ! He
has been following her into the Park, and is now
conducting her home. I affure you their com-
pany at prefent will not be very defirable ; fo ftep
this way, dear Colonel, and I will indulge you
with a few more particulars. Egad, I can fur-
prife you* \JLxeunt Col. Downright andSii Harry.
Enter Lady Harriet Cyprus, followed ly Major
Cyprus.
Major Cyprus. So, madam, I have followed
you home, and now fhou'd be glad to know what
unufual whim brought you into the Park fo early ?
Lady Harriet. How can you be fo teazing as
to afk queftions ? Efpecially when you fee I am
too fatigued to anfwer.
Major Cyprus. Fatigued ! madam. How is it
poffible
Lady Harriet. Don't fpeak fo loud. Fin think-
ing of fomething elfe.
Major Cyprus. Zounds, Madam, I fay
Lady Harriet. How can you, Major ? Sir
George Eufton, with all his faults, never afked
me fuch impertinent queftions !
Major Cyprus. Sir George ! madam How
dare you mention his name to me, madam ? How
dare you mention to me that contemptible ?
Lady Harriet. Dear Major, do not be fevere
: confider you are a married man yourfelf now.
i Major
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 29
Major Cyprus. Heavens ! Madam, do not ima-
gine
Lady Harriet. And you know every gentleman
is liable to
Major Cyprus. What, madam ?
Lady Harriet. Be married. There is nothing
certain in this world.
Major Cyprus. Very well, madam ! Very
xvell I believe I underftand your inflnuation ; and
I deferve it. Ijuftly deferve it for venturing my
happinefs with a woman whofe principles I knew.
Lady Harriet. How dare you, Major Cyprus,
upbraid me, or think, becaule my unhappy par-
tiality for you once betrayed me into indifcretions,
I am not now an altered woman ? I am fure I
have mofl heartily repented of all my faults, and
wifhed a thoufand times I had never feen you.
Major Cyprus. Exceedingly well, indeed, ma-
dam ! Exceedingly well. Repent you ever faw
me ! What am I to exped: after fuch a declara r
tion ? And why repent you ever faw me ? What,
you won't fpeak ! I believe you are the only wo-
man who cou'd call me her hufband, and be infen-
fible of her happinefs. When you confider, too,
your releafe from Sir George What makes you
fmile, madam ? Surely', after all your feeming
contempt for Sir George, you wou'd not, even in
idea, put him in competition with me? Though,
by heaven, your continual mention of him is
enough to create a jcaloufy did I not know how
much you defpife him. -I am amazed how you
cou'd ever conient to marry fuch a being, and fo
I have told you a hundred times. -Not one ac-
complifhment.
Lady Harriet. Now you provoke mehe had
a thoufand !
Major Cyprus. That I am deftitute of ?
Lady Harriet. (&#&;.) Oh !
Major
Major Cyprus. Zounds, madam, what do you
mean by that figh ? And in what quality, pray,
did your/r/2 huiband, yourfirft hufband, madam
in what quality did he eclipfe your humble fervant ?
Lady Hartiet. [After a pauje.~\ He danced bet-
ter than any man I everfaw.
Major Cyprus. Danced better !
'^ I^ady Harriet. And his bow was exquifite.
Major Cyprus. [Bowing. \ O your molt obe-
dient !
Lady Harriet. Then, fometimes, he was the
mofl entertaining
Major Cyprus. You would have a hufband
entertain his wife then ?
Lady Harriet. Certainly and entertain him*
felf at the fame time.
Major Cyprus. I wilh to heaven you had kept
him, with ail his accomplifhments !
Lady Harriet. [Sighs and foakes her lead.']
Oh!
Major Cyprus. Damnation ! [After a paiife,
ccmes up to her with a fcftcned tone of voice.'] Come
hither. Come, tell me, wou'd you? and fo
you wou'd really prefer your old hulband to
me ?
Lady Harriet. Old ! He was the youngeft.
Major Cyprvs. Madam, madam, I'll hear no
more I'll fuficr no more. Since you can com-
pare that contemptible animalto me, 1 have done
with you you are below even my refcntment.
Lady Harriet. Dear Major, fay \vhat you will,
Sir George had his virtues He feldom aiked me
where I was goir/; or who vifited me in his ab-
fence? Where I hod been walking? What
made me fo remarkably cheerful, or why I looked
fo very ill-natured ? in fhort, he was truly and
literally, in every rcfpccl, a fafhionable hufband.
Majcr Qfrus. -You ars-*-
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 31
Enter Servant.
Servant. Sir, a gentleman below defires to
fee you ; I did not know whether you chofe to
be at home or not, fo I told him I believed you
were gone out, but that I would come and fee.
Major Cyprus. I, am g9ne out go and tell him
fo. \Exit Servant^ I am in too ill a humour to
fee any body my temper is fpoiled. I am neither
fit for company, pleafurc, bufmefs, nor any thing.
Lady Harriet. Nor I I am fpoil'd too.
Enter Servant.
Servant. The gentleman, madam, begs to fee
you. Do you chnfe I fliould Ihew him up ?
Lady Harriet. Yes, ftiew him up he may be
of fervice to my fpirits. Who is he ? What is
his name ?
Servant. I aik'd him, madam, but he would
not fay. He firft afk'd me if my mailer was with-
in ; and when I returned, and told him no, he laid,
tell your Lady, Lady Harriet, I defire to fee her.
' He fpoke as if he was acquainted with your
Ladyfhip.
Lady Harriet. Shew him up.
Major 'Cyprus. You will pleafe to take him
into another room.
Lady Harriet. It is not my intention to leave
this room till dinner.
Major Cyprus. Nor mine.
Lady Harriet. Then you'll have an opportunity
of afTuring the gentleman, yourfelf, you are not
at home.
Servant. Shou'd I fliew the gentleman into a-
nother room, madam ?
Major Cyprus. No. [Exit angrily,
Harriet. Shew the gentleman up-
[JEirlr
32 I'L L T E L L YOU WHAT.
[Exit Servant J] Who in the name of wonder
can it be, that wants both the Major aad me ? I
thought our acquaintance had been all feparate
vifitors.
Enter tie Strvant, with Mr. Anthony Euflon /<?/-
lowing.
Lady Harriet. Mr. Anthony Eufton ! (M-.
Anthony Jalutes her.} Is it poffible I fnou'd have
the honor of a villt from you ?
Mr. Anthony. My dear Lady, and why not ?
What you heard, I fuppofe, I was loft ; But have
cot heard again that I was found ?
Lady Harriet. No, upon my word, Sir, and
the light of you amazes me.
Mr. Anthony. Was not my brother here this
morning ?
Lady Harriet. No, Sir.
J\!r. Anthony. Nor did not your hufband ex-
pecl: me ?
Lady Harriet. No, indeed, Sir !
Mr. Anthovy. My brother not here to tell your
huiband of our fafety, after all the perils of fhip-
\vreck, irnpriibnment, and a ftory fit for a ro-
mance ! I am afloniihed !
iMdy Harriet. Is Mr. Eufton too return'd fafe ?
Mr. Anthony. Certainly. 'Tis ftrange he has
not been here before me ! Where is your hufband ?
Lady HarrLt. Did you afk for him when you
came in ?
Mr. Ar.thony. Yes, I afked the Servant if his
mailer was at home, but he returned and laid, no ;
fo I then alked him for his miftrefs and here I
find you, my dear Lady, as beautiful as ever !
But where is my nephew ? I am all impatience till
I fee him.
Lady
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
33
Lady Harriet. [Afidi] He does not know what
has happened, I find.
Mr. Anthony. What is the matter, my dear ?
Lady iZarriet. You are juft arrived from abroad,
Sir?
Mr. Anthony. Only left the fhip yefterday
morning, came to London late in the evening,
and, not having had a night's reft on Ihore for
many months, went to bed as foon as I arrived ;
and, as foon as I rofe this morning, came with
iny refpedts to you.
Lady Harriet. Then you have feen no acquaint-
ance fince you came to town ?
Mr. Anthony. You are the firft. Can you fup-
pofe I fliou'd vifit any one before I had feen you ;
or do you think any of my friends wou'd find me
out the very night of my arrival ?
Lady Harriet. And have you met with none
of your Engliih acquaintance while you have
been abroad nor read any of our Englifh news-
papers ?
Mr. Antheny. I have feen neither fince I left
England. Indeed, when I am at a diftance from
my friends, as I hate to be impofed on, I feldom
aik a queftion concerning them, and never read a
paragraph where their names are mention'd.
Enter Colonel Downright.
Colonel Downright. I beg your Ladylhip's par-
.don I thought the Major had been here ; he
promifed he wou'd go with me into the city on
ibme bufinefs He is not gone out, I hope ?
Lady Harriet. Mr. Eufton, you will excufe me
a moment I will fend [To the Colonel.'] the Major
to you immediately, Sir. [Afide.'] Let him explain
to Mr. Euflon the tafk wou'd be too much for
me. [Exit Lady Harriet
C Mr
34 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Mr. Anthony* My fellow traveller ! Have you
forgot me ? [Going up to the Colonel.
Colonel Downright. My good friend ! Is it
you ? I am heartily glad to fee you I thought
it was you ! anJ then again Where is my friend
your brother? Why, you got to town before me
I am glad to meet you, faith 1 So unexpedted-
ly too !
Enter Major Cyprus, and bows to Mr. Anthony.
Major Cyprus. Colonel, I beg your pardon, I
am afraid f have tired your patience ?
Colonel Downright. Not at all Sir Harry
HarmU f* has been an excellent companion, but
hehasjuft left me. [To Mr. Anthony. I fhou'd
have call'd on you in the afternoon Who wou'd
have thought of meeting you here ?
Mr. Anthony. Why faith, Colonel, I do not
know a more likely place to find* a man at, than
a relation's houfe.
Colonel Downright. What, are the Major and
you related ?
Mr. Anthony. Sir!
Major Cyprus. Have I the honour of bting re-
lated to you, Sir ? [Bowing.
Mr. Anthony. Not that I knoiv of, Sir.^-
[Bffwing.
Major Cyprus. If Lady Harriet has that honor,
^ir, I prefume to claim the fame.
Mr. Anthony. You are related to Lady Harriet
then, Sir?
Major Cyprus. By very clofe ties.
Mr. Anthony. Sir, I lhall be happy to be bet-
ter acquainted.
Colonel Downright. [Afide to the Major."] Tell
jhim the ftory of the clofet Egad 'twill make
him laugh.
Major
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, 35
Major Cyprus, \_dfide to the Colonel.'] Fy, fy !
He is a relation of my wife's.
Colonel Downright. [Afide~] He would not
like a good flory the worfe for that Wdu'd you,
Mr. Anthony, have any diflike to a good ftory ?
Mr. Anthony. A {lory, Sir ? -
Colonel Downright. Ay, a good flory of
a a zounds " I'll tell you what :" and " an
(( undefcribable fomething," > *
Major Cvprus. For fhame, for fhame, Colo-
pel !
Mr. Anthony.. Why, my fellow traveller, you
are at your jokes, the fame as ever^ I find. -What
is all this ?
Major Cyprus. Nothing, Sir ; nothing^ I aflure
you.
Colonel Downright. As good a flory as ever was
told. Tell it, Major; I wou'd, but I cannot
look it as you do. Egad you look it to the life;
Mr. Anthony. Well, gentlemen, I ihould be
very happy to hear this ftory, but I am obliged
to defer it till fome other time. I have waited
for Sir George as long as pofEble, and, as I find
he does not come, I'm refolved to go in fearch
of him So, gentlemen, your humble fervant
If I meet with Sir George, I fhall return, I dare-
fay;' immediately ; and, if not, I fliall certainly
call in the afternoonr-My compliments to her
Ladylhip Your fervant, gentlemen.
Major Cyprus. Pray, Sir, who did you expect
to meet here ?
Mr. Anthony. Only Sir George, Sir.
Major Cyprus. What Sir George, pray, Sir ?
Mr. Anthony. Sir George Euflon, Sir.
Major fyfrus. Sir George Eufton, Sir ! Did
expecl: to meet Sir George Eufton here ?
Mr. Anthony. Certainly I did, Sir.
Colonel Downright. That's all for want of heaf-
C 2
36 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
ing the ftory. Do, my good friend, come back
and hear the ftory of the " undefcribable fome-
" thing," and of the clofet that little clofet
and, " I'll tell you what!"
Major Cyprus. Colonel, permit me to fpeak
"ferioully to the gentleman. Sir, [To Mr. Antho-
ny.] ycu will never fee Sir George Eufton in this
houfe, ! am certain.
Mr. Anthony, How fo, pray, Sir ?
Major Cyprus. I am now mafter of this houfe,
and
Mr. Anthony. You are mafler of this houfe !
Major Cyprus. Y r es, Sir.
Colonel Downright . tie took pofTeffion of the
clofet, fome time ago.
Mr. Anthony. But pray, Sir, does not Lady
Harriet Eufton, then, live here ?
Major Cyprus. That Lady is no longer Lady
Harriet Eufton, Sir, but Cyprus fhe is my wife.
Colonel Doivnright. You have fpoiled the whole
ftory, by beginning at the wrong enJ.
Mr. Anthony. You aftonifli me! I beg yonr
pardon I came but lail night from the Weft-
Indies, where I have been for fome time, and
where not the fmalleft intelligence from England
has ever reached me ; therefore you will excufe
my ignorance. But I think her Ladyfhip, know-
ing how great a ftranger I was, ought to have
dealt a little more openly with me.
Major Cyprus. I dare fay, Sir, her Ladyfhip
Mr. Anthony. Yes, I "fuppofe her Ladylhip
v. T> ---i unwilling to be the firft to acquaint me with
the death -of Sir George.
Major Cyprus. The death of Sir George, Sir !
Mr. Anthony. Yes, Sir for, while I give you
joy on your marriage, give me leave to fay, that
mine is all damped by the lofs of him and my
grief is doubly poignant ; becaufe, till this mo-
i ment
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 37
ment, I was not only unacquainted with Lady Har-
riet's fecond marriage, but, till this moment, I
did not even know Sir George was dead !
' Major Cyprus. Sir George is not dead, Sir.
Mr. Anthony. What do you mean ? Did you
not tell me you were married to his wife ?
Major Cyprus. Very true, Sir but you know
that is no reafon, now-a-days, why the Lady's
firfl hufband fhou'd be dead.
Colonel Downright. Why, my brother meff-
mate, you arejufl like me I had forgot that a
man in England might marry his neighbour's
wife, and his neighbour living in the next flreet.
And 'tis not the wives of their neighbours,
only, thefe generous gentlemen aflail, but more
efpecially the wives of their friends*
Mr. Anthony. Shame on fuch friendihip !
Shame on fuch neighbourhood ! Let every ten-
der hufband and virtuous wife defert it ! [To
the Major.'] Sir, I wifh you joy ; and, though I
know not who are the parties to be cenfured in
this bufinefs, I wifli her Ladyfhip joy But more,
in particular, I wifh myfelf joy, with the lincerefl
congratulation, that, amidft the depravity of the
fimes, I have followed a beloved wife to her
peaceful grave, (mournful as the day was) with-
out feeing her wrefled from my arms by the infi-
nuations of a villain ; or being myfelf that vil-
lain to force her to feek a refuge from my per-
juries, in the protection of another !
Major Cyprus. Dear Sir, let me aflure you that,
however Lady Harriet's conduct may meet cen-
fure from the unfeeling prude, the woman of fen-
libility and tafte muft applaud her fpirit, which
could no longer fubmit to the tyranny of Sir
George.
Mr. Anthony. Did her Ladylhip then fue for
the divorce ?
C 3 ' Major
3 B I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Major Cyprus. No Sir George, on fome fri-
volous fufpicion, was pleafed to fue for it.
Mr. Anthony. Is Sir George married again ?
Major Cyprus. Yes, Sir, he is married He
has won the lady and he has won her fortune
but for her affe&ion there, I believe, we mud
excufe Sir George that is a flake now playing
for by many noblemen of falhion.
Mr. Anthony. I fufpedt Sir George is the dupe
of a fafhionable gallantry. I know his virtues
and am forry to find a man of merit fo betrayed.
Major Cyprus. Dear Sir, think on Lady Har-
riet, your relation.
Mr. Anthony. Thank heaven, all ties between
Lady Harriet and me were diflblved when fhe was
divorced from Sir George and fo they fhould,
Sir, had fhe been my own daughter, and Sir
George, with the principles I know he poflefies,
an utter flranger to me.
Colonel Downright. Why then, I believe, my
friend, you are not at a relation's houfe.
Mr. Anthony. Colonel, you will call on me
ihortly. Sir, (Mr. Cyprus I think you call
yourfelf) I affaire you, Sir, as a particular friend
of my nephew's, and of the family in general
J am, Sir, your moft obedient fervant your
humble fervant, Sir. \_Wilh contempt."]
[Exit Anthony.
Major Cyprus. For heaven's fake, who is this
man? I took him to be Lady Harriet's uncle!
Explain to me who the brute is.
Colonel Downright. He came paffenger from
the Weft-Indies in the.fame ihip with me, and
that was the firft of our acquaintance. As he
\vas no more referved than I, we foon became in-
timate; and I learnt from him that his fortune (a
pretty good one) was defigned for a nephew,
whom I now recollect (tho' the deuce take me if
I thought
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 39
I thought of it before) to be this very Sir George
Eufton and a fon,- an only' child, by that wife
he fpeaks ib tenderly of, he diiinherits.
Major Cyprus. This is the very favage I heard
Lady Harriet fay the other day was drown'd. -
What, has his fon been guilty of the criminality
of a divorce ?
Colonel Downright. No his guilt is in being
married married to fonie poor girl without
friends or fortune. Thank heaven I have neither
child nor wife to offend me; but, if I had, I
don't know which I wou'd make the moft obe-
dient.
Major Cyprus. And were you never a lover,
Colonel ? Never in the fervice of the ladies ?
Colonel Downright. O yes I have been in a
clofet before now and under a bed too but then
I was never pu'H'd out by a hujband\ and, on a
difcovery, I cou'd always defcribe the fomething
that brought me there.
Major Cyprus. By heaven you are fo taken
with that joke, I cannot referve that which I be-
fore hinted at from you any longer Rat me if I
have not an appointment for to-morrow evening
with Eufton's other wife ! Is it not the moft im-
pudent thing of me ?
Colonel Downright. I'll be ihot if I don't think
1O *^
Major Cyprus. The poor fellow thinks her as
chafte as Diana ; and fo fhe is at prefent, as far
as I know. I was happy in her favor a few years
ago but, marriage not being then convenient,
my paffion w'as poftponed On her becoming Euf-
ton's wife, I renewed my addrefles, and Ihe has
kindly allotted to-morrow evening for our firft
tete-a-tete.
Colonel Downright* Zounds, have a care, or
you will be obliged to marry her too.
C 4 Major
40 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Major Cyprus. No, no we fhall be very cir-
cumfped: in our condudt. But laugh ! Why the
devil don't you laugh ?
Colonel Downright. No, I was thinking
Major Cyprus. On what ?
Colonel Downright. Come, I muft t>e gone, or
I fhall be too late for my bufinefs.
Major Cyprus. I'll attend you immediately
But what were you thinking on ?
Colonel Downright. I was thinking on the hap-
pinefs of a married man.
\_Exeunt Colonel Downright and Major Cyprus.
End of the Stcond
ACT
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 41
ACT III.
SCENE I.
An Apartment at Sir George Eufton'j.
Enter Mr. Eufton and Sir George.
Mr. Eufton.
BLESS my foul ! Blefs my foul ! Why, what
did my brother Anthony fay ? Was not he in a
dreadful paffion ? Only think of his being made
fuch a fool of! It would not have fignified had it
been me. It had been a good joke if the miftake
had happened to me ; then you wou'd have had
fomething to have laughed at.
Sir George. Dear Sir, let us think no more
^bout it my Uncle has liftened to reafon, and
approves my conduct in every circumftance.
Mr. Eufton. Ay, ^tis very well, George 'tis
all very well but I know, had you been his fon,
he wou'd not have forgiven you he loved that
boy fo well he wou'd never forgive him the fmall-
eft fault.
Sir George. A very cruel proof his affection.
Mr. Eufton. 'Tis true, notwith Handing you
know it is Poor Charles ! George, you
muft do fomething for him You know your
Uncle won't and I am tied from it by a folemn
promife. Many a letter and petition came from
his wife to my brother and me, before we went
abroad, but all in vain; for I had but juft the^i
given
4* I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
given Anthony my word, and wou'd not equivo-
cate, by caufing the poor boy or his family to be
relieved, in any ihape, through my means ; and
therefore I forbore to mention their diftrefs to you.
However, now, though I have not forgot my
promife, I will not be fo particular about it and,
when the deviation from my word difturbs my
conference, I'll hum it to reft with having relieved
2 deftitute a family.
Sir George. Say no more, Sir I underftand
you and to find out my coulin and his family
lhall immediately be my care.
Mr. Eujlon. {Shaking hands with Sir George.}
That's right, George Poor Charles is a Lieute-
nant in the Eaft Indies. His wife muft be the
firft objedt of your bounty Jufl before I left
England fhe wrote me a letter from a village near
York where he left her, with two children, and
Ihe ftyles them, in her letter, " the offspring of
" want and wretched nefs." I was a hard-hearted
fellow not to liften to her complaint but, I think,
fince I have been at fea, I have been more com-
paffionate I never knew, before, what it was to
be cold or hungry.
Sir George. Can you tell me the name of the
village, Sir, where I am to feek her ?
Mr. Eufion. Write to her at the poft-office,
Selby If fhe fliould have left the place, they may
itili know where to fend her letters. I wifh fome
friend, that had not made a promife, would fpeak
to my brother Anthony about them at prefent;
perhaps, going to fea has changed his heart too.
Sir George. No, Sir, I touched on that fubjcd:
\vhen I was with him this morning.
Mr. Eujlon. Did you ? Did you ? And what
did he fay ?
Sir George. Afked if I meant to make him for-
bid me his fight and, on iny apologifing, com-
manded
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 43
manded me never to mention my poor coufin in
his hearing again.
Mr. Eufton. Ay, that is what I muft never do
Well, fo much the better for now, George,
neither you nor I can tell tales one of another.
fSVr George. You are right, Sir Had my Un-
cle Anthony an eflate to beftow on each of his fa-
mily, he could not exaft more obedience to his
will than he does at prefent.
Mr. Eufton. 'Tis very true, George. But
what keeps him fo long away > I expedted he
wou'd have been with your Lady before this time,
acknowledging her for his niece : tho* they have
had one meeting it feems.
Sir George. My Uncle cannot be introduced to
Lady Eufton till to-morrow, Sir. Lord Layton,
for whom he fettled fome buiinefs when he was
abroad, called on him juil as I came away, and,
as his Lordmip is going to Italy in a day or two,
he entreated my Uncle to accompany him imme-
diately to his country houfe (about ten miles from
town) m order to look over fome papers he has
there.
Mr. Eufton. Here comes your Lady, fo I'll
leave you.
Enter Lady Eufion.
Lady Eufton. Dear Mr. Eufton, I hope I do
not frighten you away Sir George will be of-
fended with me if I do.
Mr. Eufton. No, Madam I am fure no man
cdu'd be offended at being left in fuch charming
company. [Exit Mr. Eufton.
Sir George. My Uncle is grown a man of gal-
lantry !
Lady Eufton. Yes, I infpire all the men.
Sir George. I believe you do.
Lady
44 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Lady Eufton. Cou'd I only infpire you with
reafon to liften to my arguments
Sir George. 'Tis in vain. The Major fhall now
feel my refentment Did he imagine, becaufe I
was indifferent to the condudt of an undeferuing
woman, that I am not to be roufed at fuch an in-
jury as this ? An attempt on the principles of a
woman of virtue ! 'Tis done on purpofe to try
me, and, by Heaven, he mail find That
wretch too Sir Harry !
Lady Eufton. Oh, pray have pity on poor Sir
Harry.
Sir George. No, madam, I only defer my re-
fentment till I have fome converfation with my
Uncle Anthony.
Lady Eufton. Do, my dear Sir George, fuffer
me to revenge my own caufe this once and ever-
after
Sir George. I pofitivcly muft !
Lady Eufton. Nay, Sir George, in a year or
two, I may, perhaps, have no objection to your
fighting a duel but only three months married
I do wifhto keep you a little longer.
Sir George. Depend upon it, Lady Eufton,
death had never half the terrors I have beheld it
with fince I called you mine but that life you
have endeared to me
Lady Eufton. You wou'd throw away imme-
diately in my fervice No, no, Sir George, a
fond wife will never fuffer her hufband to revenge
her wrongs at fo great a rifk Befides, the exer-
tion of a little thought and fancy will more power-
fully vindicate innocence, than that brilliant piece
of fteel, I affure you.
Sir George. Perhaps you are right.
Lady Eufton. Certainly I am Now, fuppofe
a gentleman makes love to me I divulge the af-
front to you, you call my infulter to an account
1W
I'L L T E L L Y O U ,W H A T. 45
Tour ball mifTcs; he fires into the air; and, to
the fame of having dared to wound your honour,
he gains that of prefenting you with your life.
Sir George. But, why muft thefe circumftances
take place ?
Lady Eujlon. Well, then, we will fuppofe he
kills you ; how do you like that ?
Sir George. [Smiling.'] Hem !
Lady Eujlon. Or, we will fuppofe, you kill
him Even how do you like that?
Sir George. Well, I confefs that, if a fevere
punifliment could be thought of for fuch info-
lence
Lady Eujlon. There is as fevere a punilhment
to men of gallantry (as they call themfelves) as
fword or piflol ; laugh at them that is a ball
which cannot mifs ; and yet kills only their va-
nity.
Sir George. + You are right.
Lady Eufton. Let me fee we have been now
only three months married; and, in that Ihort
time, I have had no lefs than five or fix men of
falhion to turn into ridicule. The firft who ven-
tured to declare his paffion was Lord William
Bloomly his rank, joined to his uncommon
beauty, had infured him fuccefs ; and, wherever
I went, I was certain to hear his diflrefs whifpered
in my ear at every opportunity he fell even upon
his knees ; and, as a tender earnefl of my pity
for him, begged, with all the eloquence of love,
for " a fingle lock of my hair, which he wou'd
" value more than any other woman's perfon,
" the wealth of worlds, or (he is a great patriot,
" you know) even the welfare of his country."
Sir George. I am out of patience !
Lady Eujlon. You will be more fo For I pro-
mifed him this fingle lock.
Sir George. You did not!
Lady
45 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Lady Eufton. But I did and added, with a
bluih, that I muft iniift on a few hairs from one
of his eye-brows in return which he abfolutely
refufed j and, on my urging it, was obliged to
confefs, " he valued that little brown arch more
' than the lock he had been begging for; con*
tc fequently, more than any woman's perfon,
' the wealth of \sorlds, or even the welfare of
" his country." I immediately circulated this
anecdote, and exhibited my Lord both as a gal-
lant and a patriot ; and now his Lordfhip's eye-
-brow, which was once the admiration, is become
the ridicule of every drawing-room.
Sir George. Your Ladyihip then wou'd not
menace your lover ?
Lady fLufton. Certainly not " You are the
* { moft beautiful woman I ever faw," cried Lord
Bandy; ** and your Lordihip is pofitively the moft
^ lovely of mankind" " What eyes," cried he j
" what hair," cried I ; " what m>s," continued
he ; " what teeth," added I ; " what a hand and
" arm," faid he ; " and what a leg and foot"
faid I " Your Lady (hip is jefting," was his
Lord/hip's laft reply ; and he has never iince even
paid me one compliment. Prudes cenfure my
conduct I am to fiee while their favourite,
Lady Strenuous, in another corner of the ball-
room, cries \.<\her admirer-r-" Defi'ft, my Lord,
<e or my dear Sir Charles (hall know that you
" dare thus to wound my ears with your licen-
<' tious paffion if you ever prefurine to breath it
" again, I will acquaint him with it depend
*' upon it I will. [Sigbs and lang#i/bes.~} Oh J you
*' have deftroyed my peace of mind far ever."
Sir George. There .are too many fnch ladies,
but no fuch wou'd I hazard my life for that 1
have proved.
Lady
47
J^ady Eujicn. And, upon my word, Sir George,
eventhe virtuous wife, who wou'd not have fome
regard to her hufband's life, as well as his honour,
if I were a gentleman, 1 Ihould not feel myfelf
under many obligations to.
Sir George. ' You \vou'd protect both ?
Lady Eufton. And the guilty not elcape Noxv
(with your confent) what muit be the confuiion,
{name, and difappointnvnr, of my two maiked
lovers to-morrow eveningthe brutal audacity of
one, and insignificance of the other; both ber
neath _yor.refentment, yet deferving objects of
mine. And, indeed, Sir George, it is my fixed
opinion, that he who wou'd endeavour to wrong
a virtuous wife fhou'd'be held too defpicable for
the refentment of the hufband, and only worthy
the debafement inflicted by our fex. I have al-
ready fent a letter to Sir Harry with the appoint-
ment at the mafquerade, and the Major has my
promife of a meeting at the fame time Come,
come, Sir George, it is the firft petition 1 ever
prefented ; do not refufe me !
Sir George. Give me till the morning to con^
fider of it ? ,
Lady Eujlon. With all my heart and in the
mean time refied: on this that, in regard to your
terrible fex, whether as licentious lovers or valiant
champions women, of real honour, are not in
danger from the one ; and, therefore, like me,
ought to forego the affiitance of the other.
\Exeunt Lady Eufton and Sir George.
SCENE
48 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT*
SCENE II.
A Room at Colonel Downright'/.
Enter Colonel Downright and Air. Anthony
Eufton.
Colonel Downright. My good friend, I was juft
going to bed but I am glad of your company,
though I did not expert it.
Mr. Anthony. Colonel,, my errand at this time
xvas merely to afk a favour of you.
Colonel Downright. Command it, and you will
make me proud.
Mr. Anthony. Why then, Colonel, with Lord
Layton to-day (at whole houfe I dined) a circum-
llance happened on which account I expect his
Lordfhip will call on me to-morrow for a fafhion-
able fatisfaction ; and though, depend upon it, I
\viih for no fuch ram means of ending a difpute,
yet, if his Lordmipy7j0z<V call upon me, 'tis fit I
be prepared with a fecond; and I thank you for
the friendly afiurance you have now given me of
your fervice.
Colonel Downright. You are as welcome to it
I was going to fay, as my king but, zounds,
if I Ihou'd be killed in a pitiful quarrel at home,
I fhou'd blum even in my grave for, when I die,
I hope to have my knell rung by the groans of a
fcore or two of our country's treacherous foes.
Mr. Anthony. The fervice I mall put you to,
Colonel, will not prevent that hope.
Colonel Downright. But what, for Heaven's
fake, has brought you into a quarrel ?
Mr.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 49
Mr. Anthony. The caufe of our quarrel was
you will call it a very trivial one, I dare fay a
Woman
Colonel Downright. Why, my old friend, you
have not been quarrelling about a woman Oh, if
I ihou'd be kuTd for a woman, I ftiou'd cut a no-
ble figure indeed !
Mr. Anthony. Hear me, Colonel, hear me
and, as you may queftiort my prudence, let me
tqll you the whole adventure.
Colonel Downright. Nay, nay, I did not mean
to queflion your prudence, nor to fpeak againft
the women either. I like them as well as you
do.
Mr. Anthony. 1 own I have a refpedt for their
fex, which unites me to them as their father, their
friend, and admirer. Therefore I beg you will
give me your fentiments upon the character of
one, whofe behaviour, this day, has furprifed me
beyond meafure I will defcribe it to you, and
you will tell me whether you believe me im poled
upon, or whether you think fhe really claims that
extraordinary attention I have, fome how, been
compelled to give her.
Colonel Downright. Well, let me hear.
Mr. Anthony. Lord Layton and I had no fooner
plac'd ourfelves in his Lordfhip's coach than ho
exclairn'd, he had juft feen the moft beautiful giil
his eyes ever beheld, to whom he had given a
look of folicitation, and that fhe was returning
her anfwer by making up to to the coach He
begged a thoufand pardons, bur, with my per-
miffion, (as he expected no other company at his
country houfe) he wou'd take her down to dine
with us. 1, knowing his Lordihip well, (and the
girl being now arrived at the coach door) reluc-
tantly aflented, and me was immediately handed
in,
. D
50 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Colonel Downright. Zounds, he ihou'd have
taken a companion for you too !
Mr. Anthony. Don't interrupt me. When ihc
had been feated about a minute, I cafl my eyes
upon her.
Colonel Downright. 'Sdeath, I Ihou'd not have
{laid half fo long.
Air. Anthony. I was flruck with her beauty
Colonel Downright. And wilhed his Lordfhip
out of the way, I fuppofe ?
Mr. Anthony. No no. There was a fenfibi-
lity in her countenance that amazed me blulhes
on her cheeks tears in her eyes When his
Lordfhip fpoke to her, {he anfwer'd him with a
force4 fmile, and a tremor on her voice. She
avoided all converfation ; and, when we alighted,
I handed her out of the coach.
Colonel Downright. Ay, ay, I thought how it
was.
Mr. Anthony. You mifunderftand me. I per-
ceived her hand tremble
, Colonel Downright. And fo, I fuppofe, did
yours.
Mr. Anthony. If you interrupt me, Sir, you
{hall hear no more.
Colonel Downright. And, I believe, it will be
for your credit if I don't.
Mr.. Anthony. Let me tell you all that pafled.
Colonel Downright. With all my heart if you
don't blufh at it, I {han't.
Mr. Anthony. I believe her to be a woman of
virtue.
Colonel Downright. Then what the devil were
my Lord and you
Mr. Anihony. I have refcued her from him.
Colonel Downright. Why then the deuce take
me if you are not more in love than I thought you
were.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 5 j
Mr. Anthony. Oh, had you feen her counte-
nance, fo expreffive of anguilh! The hope with
which flie lifted up her eyes to me, for deliver-
ance ! The horror painted in her face, when I
left the room ! Heard her piercing cries, that
called me back to her protection ! The defpair
and earnejft fupplication that hung upon her tongue,
whilft Ihe entreated him to view her, not as an
object of love, but charity! The grief! the pa-
thetic tendernefs with which fhe declared herfelf,
"a virtuous though forfaken wife ! A poor, in-
" digent, forlorn mother; perifhing, with her
" children, for whofe fake fhe had been tempted
" by the firft lure that offered (prompted by more
" than common grief; to add the fenfe of guilt
" to all her other miferies !"
Colonel Downright. 'Sdeath
Mr. Anthony. Coifd I ? Ought I to have gone
and left her ?
Colonel Downright. Left her ! No. But what
did you do ?
Mr. Anthony. Returned to the chamber, and
inlifted on his Lordfhip's refigning her to me.
Colonel Downright* And did he ?
Mr. Anthony. She hung upon me ; and, in fpite
of his menaces, I led her to my coach, (which
was then come for me) and brought her fafeaway.
Colonel Downright. I hope flie got fafe home
too?
Mr. Anthony. Perfectly fo As her tears in-
terrupted her, whenever Ihe attempted to tell me
where Ihe lived, or explain any circumftance of
her life to me, I afked no queftions, but took
her to my own houfe defired my houfekeeper to
ihow an apartment, and treat her with attention
and, promifin-g to fee and fpeak with in the
morning, left her to the repofe which Ihe mult
greatly want.
D a Wind
f2 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Colonel Downright. And now you think his
Lordfhip will fend you to repofe, for all this.
Mr. Anthony. He may attempt it, for which I
wiih to be prepared.
Colonel Downright. Well then, here is my hand
and, though I muft acknowledge that you have
had too little of the man of the world about you
in this bufinefs, yet, as I faid before, command
me.
Mr. Anthony. Come then* Colonel, my coach
Is waiting for me at the door ; will you go with
me to the next coffee-houfe ? I have to meet a
gentleman there on a little bufinefs; and after-
wards we will enjoy half an hour's converfation
together.
Colonel Downright. With all my heart.
[Exeunt Mr. Anthony and Colons!.
End of
ACT
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 53
ACT IV.
S C E N E I.
A Room at Mr. Anthony Euiton's.
Enter Mr. Euftpn.
Mr. Eufton,
\VoNDERS will never ceafei Who wou'd
have thought it ! Why furely it cannot be !
My brother Anthony to bring home a girl ?
What wou'd he have faid to me if I had done fuch
a thing ? For my part, I never durft think of
fuch a thing. Perhaps it is fome neighbour's
child ! But if Ihe is the fervant tells me fhe is
very handfome, and Anthony wou'd not bring her
home without forne meaning; What wou'd my
nephew, George, fay to this ? Why he would
,not believe it ! He would a great deal fooner be-
lieve it of me. And yet I I! Lord blefs
me how people may be miftaken ! Here he
comes.
Enter Mr. Anthony.
Mr. Anthony. Brother, good morning to you.
. Have you feen George this morning ?
Mr. Eufton. No, brother..
Mr. Anthony. Are you going there ?
Mr. Eufton. I believe I ihall be prefently, bro-
ther.
Mr. Anthony. [Sit ting do-xn^] Perhaps he may
call here firft.
D Mr.
54
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Mr. Eufton. [Sitting down.'} Perhaps he may*
brother. [Mr. Anthony appears thoughtful, and
leans on the table.~\
Mr. Eufton. [After a long paufe, and with ftgnifi-
cant looks.'] It was a fine moon-lhining night, laft
night.
Mr. Anthony. Yes, a fine night.
Mr. Eujlon. [After another $aufe.~\ And 'tis a
very fine day, to-day.
Mr. Anthony. Yes it is.
Mr. Eufton. We have very fine weather, in-
deed.
Mr. Anthony. We have. You have break-
failed, I fuppofe.
Mr. Eufton. Yes and fo, I fuppofe, have
you ?
Mr. Anthony. Yes, fome time [He begins
writing."]
Mr. Eufton. I interrupt you, brother but I
amrgoing. ~ [Rifes.~]
Mr. Anthony. No, you do not. But tell Sir
George, if you fliou'd fee him, that I cannot call
on him this morning, becaufe I fliall be bufy.
Mr. Eufton. You (hall be bufy !
Mr. Anthony. Yes, I have got a little bufinefs
to fettle.
Mr. Eujlon. To be fure, lufinefs muft be
minded.
Mr. Anthony. But be particular in delivering
my apology, for I wou'd not have his Lady af-
fronted.
Mr. Eufton. One wou'd not affront a Lady to
be fure. No no flo !
Mr. Anthony. I wou'd not have her think I
flight her.
Mr. Euftcn. No! I am fure you wou'd not
flight a Lady ! [He coughs.] Good morning,
brother !
Mr.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 55
Mr. Anthony. Good morning.
Mr. Eufton* We lhall fee you, perhaps, when
your bujinejs is done ! Good morning, brother.
[Exit Mr. Eufton, coughing.
[Mr. Anthony pulls a letter out of bis pocket.]
Mr. Anthony. Yes here is the challenge ; and,
truly, fomething noble in it. He applauds my
taking away the Lady, but fays my manner was
too rough. I muft retract fome words. My
Lord, that cannot be. [Puts up the letter.'] And
now for a few bequefls to my relations, in cafe his
Lordftiip fhould prove victorious. It is well my
will is already made for he has fcarcely given
me time to [He writes, then throws down the
pn.~] What paternal weaknefs ! \_Rifes.~] How
llrange it is, that, although I have refilled, and
can, with manly firmnefs, refift every innate
pleading for that ungrateful boy I once called rny
fon; that carelefs prodigal of a father's peace, and
his* own welfare yet when I confider rnyfeif as
fhortly to be an inhabitant of another world, arid
without the power to affifl him I wifh I wifh
What ? Why, that heaven may then raife
him up a friend to deal more gently with than I
have done. A friend, whofe temper, whofe
place it better may become to forgive his faults
than an offended father. [He takes the paper.'] In
vain are the Smugglings of Nature. Juflice
example and my word, irrevocably paft, filence
its pretences. [He Jeals the paper, direftt it, and
looks at his watchJ] The time is almoft expired,
and I muft pay a Ihort viiit to my new lodger, and
be gone. John !
Enter Servant.
Mr. Anthony, Is not this the time that the
Lady gave me permiffion to wait on her ?
D 4
56 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Servant. The Lady fent word Ihe wou'd wait
on you, Sir. This is the time ; and, Sir, fhe is
coming.
Air. Anthony. Shew her in. {Exit Servant.
[Mr. Anthony walks two cr three turns, and
tben the Lady is jhewn in]
Mr. Anthony. I hope, Madam, my meifage
did not difturb you ?
Lady. Not at all, Sir. 1 had alked permif-
fion to fee you before I received it. [/& draws
chairs, and tbeyjtt.~\
Mr. Anthony. "Well, Madam Unlefs you
have inquired of the fervants, you are yet a
ftranger to my name and connections.
Lady. I am a ftranger to them, Sir. But
your humanity muft ever be engraved on my heart,
Mr. Anthony. Then, Madam, for the fervice
you are pleafed to acknowledge I have rendered
you, all I requeft, in return, is your confidence.
-^-Explain clearly to me the circumflances, the
temptations that brought you into the fituation
frprri whence I relcaicd you ! Declare them
with franknefs, and tax my humanity yet farther;
it (hall not forfajce you. To encpurage you to
this confcflion, my name is
Lady. Hold, Sir! That is an information I
cannot return therefore let us wave it and, as I
can remain grateful for your gopdnefs without
knowing to whom I am indebted, fo pity flill my
weak pel's, and my niiferies, without a farther
knowledge of the wretched fufferer.
Mr. Anthony. Madam, you have impofed on
me a taik too hard. 'Tis true you have won my
pity ; but 'tis fit you ftiou'dfecure it too. And
while explanations are referved, roubt, that har-
dener of the human heart, muft be your enemy.
La& Alas! [Rifes.]
Mr,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
57
Mr. Anthony. Come I wilh not to exaft too
much but I am a man, Madam, and with every
frailty incident to the fpecies : Jujpidon has its
place.
Lady. I know I am an object of fufpicion
but you are deceived in me indeed you are.
Guilt never harboured in, my heart. Maternal
tendernefs, for two helplefs infants, hurried me in
a moment to do I know not what, rather than
lofe them. A deed ! the horror of which (al-
thougn by the mercy of eternal Providence I have
efcaped its direft confequences) muft ever cover
me with blufhcs ; and, ihou'd indulgent heaven
referve me for a meeting with my hufband,
muft, with remorfe, damp every joy the fond,
fond, interview would give !
Mr. Anthony. Be comforted. [Leading her to
her feat. ] I mean not to increafe, but foothe your
grief. Tell me but who you are, and why thus
abandoned by all your relations, friends, and
hufband ? I can excufe the feelings of a mother
the fudden darts, or rather madnefs of refolu-
tion, formed by the exceffive anguiih of the foul.
Trufl me, I can deal tenderly with human
failings. No frivolous curioiity, but a defirc to
ferve yon, thus urges me to entreat you will unfold
yourfelf.
Lady. Oh, Sir, I have a hufband, I think t
who loves me. Once I am fure he did. My
heart has never flray'd from him, fince our fatal
union. What muft that poor heart fuffer, torn
with remorfe for the. rain ftep rny mad defpair
fuggefted to preferve my children ! Oh ! in my
bofom let his name lie hid, that none may know
Jiis wretched fortune in ahaplefs wife.
Mr, Anthony. Your reafons have fatisfied me.
I do not afk your name.- Tell me but the cir-
{uwftances that drove you to the ftate from whenct
Ire-
5 8 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I releafed you Be fo far explicit, and I will afk
no more.
Lady. Mofl willingly. When firfl my huf-
band faw me, I was friendlefs. Compaffion
caufed his love for me Gratitude mine for him,
Forlorn and deflitute, no kind relation, no
tender benefadtor taught my heart affe&ion.
Unufed to all the little offices of kindnefs, could
they but endear the objed: who bellowed them ?
Senfe of obligation, never before excited, pref-
fed on my thoughts, and foon was changed to
love. He fcorned to violate the heart that was
his own, and we were married.
Mr. Anthony. I find no room for accufation
here. Go on go on, Madam. What has alie-
nated yqur hufband from you, and left you thus
deflitnte at prefent ? If you can refolve me that
if you flill have adled with equal propriety, I
am your friend I have no cenfure for you.
Lady. But you will condemn my hulband
even I mud own be was to blame. Born of wealthy
parents, the heir to large poffeffions, and I to
none, when he married, all were given up, and
'he changed his ftate for mine. We had no friend
but in each other yet happy was that ftate to
yne, till poverty furprifed ns ; and the fond hope
(which once he cherimed) of paternal forgive-
nefs, vanifhed from my hufband. Then all our
days were bitter as they had before been happy
tears were my only food, and fighs were his-
even reproach I have endured from him, for mak-
ing him the friendlefs wretch he call'd himfelf.
Yet yet, at our parting, oh ! then he cancell'd
all for when the regiment, in which he ferved,
was ordered from the kingdom, he hung upon
me, clafped his poor children, begg'cl our for-
givencfs for the thouiand outrages dillrefs at, our
misfortunes had caufed him to commit fwore
that
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 59
that affection for us was the fource of his impa-
tience prayed heaven to blefs us, whatever might
be his fate nay; prayed that death might ipee-
dily be his doom, fo that it turned his father's
heart to us.
Mr. Anthony. And have you never apply 'd to
his father ?
Lady. Yes ; but all in vain ; and two months
fince, hearing my hufband was made prifoaer,
(and deftitute of every relief and every hope^
.while he remained fo) I left my children and
came to London, refolved, inperfon, to fuppli-
cate his father's bounty ; when I learnt (dire
news) his father, vifiting an eftate abroad, was
loft, and we left to defpair.
Mr. Anthony. What do you fay ?
Lady. Nay, do not blame him I pardon him
from my foul. And as my hufband, fpite of his
difobedience, loved him tenderly, I will ever give
a tear in tribute to his memory.
Mr. Anthony. Without hefitation ! without
the fmalleft reierve, tell me your hufband's name!
Is it Eufton ?
Lady. It is !
Mr. Anthony. His father is not dead ! He
Jives, and pardons him this moment !
[Embracing her.
Mrs. Eufton. Tou are his father ! I know it !
I fee it in your looks ! [Kneeling.
Mr. Anthony. And you ftiall henceforth fee it
in my actions ! Rife, rife, and behold [Taking
the paper from his pocket.'] where I this moment
again difown'd him for my fon, while the poor of
every kind (except himfelf) I ever flyled my
children. Oh ! charity, partially dealt, never
more receive that heavenly virtue's title. Here
[Pointing to the paper.~] I provide for you as a
poor ftranger, who never aiked, and might not
have
6a I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
have deferred my bounty ; while, as a daughter,
begging for an alms, I fhut my heart, and fent
your fupplications back. Where was the merit of
my thoufands given, while one poor wretch,
from proud refentment, petitioned me in vain ?
Mrs. Eufton. I dare not call myfelf your
daughter !
Mr. Anthony. You are my daughter and,
when I have fupplicated heaven to pardon my
neglect of you, I'll afk your pardon, too. You
are my daughter and let the infamy you have
efcaped ferveonly to make you more amiable
make you compaffionate compaffionate to your
own weak fex, in wbatfoever fufferjng ftate you
fee them They all were virtuous once, as well as
you and, had they met a father, might have
been fayed, like you. For me [Piills out his
ivatch~] Blefs me, how has the time flown ! My
dear, I have an engagement I cannot poftpone
above half an hour and that time I muft dedicate
to Now, methinks, I would wifh to live.
[Afide.~] Retire, to your chamber. I will, if pof-
fible, be with you fpeedily. Where your hufband
is, and in what poor place your children, I am
impatient till I know but now I cannot wait.
Retire, my child. May,we meet again in fafety.-
\He leads her to 'the door andfne withdraws.
Mr. Anthony. Now where's the Colonel ? I
have juft time to draw up a writing for him to
fign when he arrives,- and I'll about it inftantly.
Oh ! with what trapfport does the human heart
diflodge the unnatural guefls, Malice and Refent-
ment, to take to its warm receifes the mild inha-
bitant, peaceful Charity. Yet even more wel-
come is the returning virtue, when thus 'tis
ftrengthen'd by parental fondnefs. [Exit.
End of the Fourth A3.
i ACT
TLL TELL YOU WHAT. 6r
A G T V.
SCENE I. -o
An Apartment at Major CyprUs's
Enter Lady Harriet and Bloom meeting.
Lady Harriet.
VV HAT fuccefs ? Will Sir George come ?-
What a tedious time have you been gone !
Bloom. Dear madam, if you cou'd fuppofe
how obftinate Sir George was and how I had to
beg, and to pray
Lady Harriet. But will he come ?
Bloom. Yes, madam at lafl he faid he wou'd.
Lady Harriet. Thank Heaven Then I lhall
have the unfpeakable joy of giving him this I
[Pulling out a letter.
Bloom. What ! Sir George, madam ? Well,
I declare,.! was at rny^pit's ends to know what
you cou'd want with Sir George.
Lady Harriet. To give him this letter, Bloom,
from Lady Eufhm to the Major, which you
fo luckily found, and to have the extreme plea-
fure of informing him that I am not the only
object deferving his refentment but that even his
wife of a few months me whom the world fays
he doats upon, and who has driven me from his
remembrance, is indifcreet as I have been to fee
with my own eyes his confufion hear him re-
proach
62 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
proach her conduct, and make him own He
promifed he'd come ?
Bloom. Yes, ma'am but not till I knelt down
and fwore your Ladyfhip was dying ; fuddenly
taken ill ; and cou'd not leave the world in peace
till you had communicated fomething from your
own lips to him.
Lady Harriet. You did right juft as I or-
dered you And what did he lay to that ?
Eloom. \_Ajter a long paufe'] Why, he faid,
" I will come to the poor unhappy wretch !"
Lady Harriet. Wretch ! Are you fure he faid
fo?
Bloom. I am fure he faid, " Poor" and " un-
" happy," and then, you know, " wretch" fol-
lows of courfe.
Lady Harriet. Who will be mcft wretched, ia
a few moments, he or I ?
Bloom. Very true, madam I believe he'll find
he has not changed for the better.
Lady Harriet. [Looking at the letter.'] Confu-
fion ! What have you made me do? You told
me this letter was for the Major -it is directed to
Sir Harry Harmlefs.
Bloom. Oh, that I ftiou'd not look at the di-
reftion !
Lady Harriet. No matter this is even a greater
dilhonour to Sir George than were it to the Major^
and will wound him deeper But where is the
Major then ? He will not be engaged as I fuppo-
fed and may return.
Bloom. Oh, no, my Lady, that I dare fay he
won't you need not fear go into your chamber,
madam, and make yourfelf eafy till Sir George
comes, and make yourfelf eafy when he does
come too for, though the Major may not be.
with Lady Eufton, I dare fay he has his.appoint-
2 ments
63
merits in fome corner or another, as well as your
Ladyihip. [Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Mr. Anthony Eufton's.
Enter Mr. Anthony Eufton, and Colonel Down-
right.
Mr. Anthony. I have been waiting for you all
day -What meant the few words in your letter ?
Why is my meeting with his Lordftiip de-
ferred ?
Colonel Downright. I am juft come from Lord
Layton a friend of his Lordfhip's, knowing I
tvas acquainted with you, call'd and took me
there and, to tell you the truth, I think this
bufinefs between you and his Lordfhip might be
amicably and honourably fettled However, if
you don't fight with him, you muft fight with a
mad-headed fellow I have left below fo which
do you chufe ?
Mr. Anthony. What do you mean ?
Colonel Downright. Nay,you will have a
worfe chance than you wouldftf ave had with his
Lordlhip ; for this man is a foldier, one who has
been fighting for thefe four or five years pafl
befldes, he's defperate half mad ; and has fworn,
he'll either kill or be kill'd by you, inftantly.
Mr. Anthony. Let him come Who, and what
is he ? What has he to demand of me ?
[Angrily.
Colonel Downright. Nay, don't be too violent
neither He's a poor unfortunate lad, I fancy
and, notwithftanding all his bluftering he now
and
64 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
and then looks fo heart-wounded I can't help pity- '
ing him.
Mr. Anthony. But what's his bufinefs ? What
is his quarrel with me ?
Colonel Downright. Lord Layton is the inno-
cent caufe of it he told the young man, who
came to his Lordfhip's (fomewhat iboner than I
did) in fearch of the Lady whom you took away,
that the Lady had confefied herfelf poor and
even perifhing for fubfiftence and that, con-
fequently, Ihe was willing to refign herfelf to
the moft liberal which you proving, in fpite
of his Lordihip's generofity, you carried off the
prize and, egad, I owned it was what I had
iufpecled, notvviihftanding your grave countenance
laft night.
Mr. Anthony. You told him you thought fo ?
Colonel Downright. Yes for I wiihed to turn
the whole matter into a joke with his Lordihip
I did not think, at the time, that the young fel-
low would have been fo violent for till this was
explained he was as patient as a lamb ; and only
inquired, with trembling andjigbs, for the Lady
but, when he heard what I laid, egad, he laid hold
of me, and fwore, till I brought him to my
friend, the " unpitying, vile purchafer of inno-
" cence," (meaning you) he would not quit me
So here he has followed me through the flreets
and, on condition that he wou'ci be patient while
I came and announced him to you, I have pro-
mifed him you mall give him fatisfaction.
Mr. Anihony. What is this gentleman's name ?
[Anxioujly,
Colonel Dozvnright. He did not tell us.
Mr. Anthony. Does he know mine ?
Colonel Downright. No ; I thought it mofl
prudent not to tell him ; for, he'? fuch a madman,
ho
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 65
he might have bawled it as we came in the. ftreets*
Mr. Anthony. \_Much embarraj[ed.~\ What is he
to the Lady ? Her brother ? her couiin ?
Colonel Downright. Why, faith, I've a notion
(though he did not fay fo) I have a notion he is
her hulband.
Mr. Anthony. Indeed ! [Starting.
Colonel Downright. Why you don't like the
bufinefs the worfe for that ? Tis crim. con. now,
and you'll be quite in the famion.
Mr. Anthony. Let the young man come up -
I'll withdraw for a moment but do not give him
to fuppofe I have not injured him.
Colonel Downright. That you may depend
upon I never tell a falfehood for myfelf, much
lefs for another.
Mr. Anthony. Neither let him kn6w my name.
I'll firft fend the Lady to him, and then return
myfelf.
Colonel Downright. He's coming.
[Exit Mr. Anthony.
Charles. \W"itkouf\ Where is this gentleman ?
Colonel Downright. Walk in here, Sir*
Enter Charles Euflon.
Colonel Downright. The man you wifll to fee-
and whom you fay has injured you *will be herej,
and give you fatisfadtion immediately.
Charles. I thank him Then I fhall die, and
never fee her more. \_AJide.~] Oh, Sir ! cooled
with the reftraint you have thus long impofed on
me ! I wifh to aik a favour. I thought I was rc-
folved never again to behold the wretch I have
been deprived of; but, my rage for a moment
gone, I cannot think of, dying, and fhe fo near
me, without once looking on her I have come far
to fee her fullered much crofted half the Eaf-
E tern
66 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
tern clime in poverty have endured more pain,
more toil, to gain my freedom, but to ftarve with
her and, dying, comfort her, than, had a throne
been my \vaiting reward, my fpirits cou'd have
ftruggled with. And, after all, I feel, I feel I
could be repaid with a mere look Then, why
refufe me ? If I efcape my antagonift, I have
refolved on death ! Let me, then, fee her ! I will
not exchange a word with her will they refuiV
her coming ?
Colonel Downright. No for here fhe is
Enter Mrs. Eufton, and flops (with emotion) asfoon
as {he enters.
Mrs. Eu/ion. I ain commanded not to fly to
your arms I muft not run to you, and tell you
all I feel !
Charles. \_After a paufe.'] I faid I thought
I wou'd not fpeak to you but pity for your crimes
and miferies compel me And, I tell you, to al-
leviate your remorfe, \pardonyou nay, perhaps,
love you better, even in this agony of affliction,
than if we had been bleft with profperous, vir-
tuous days ! I know what you have fuffered !-
Your guilt convinces me ! I want no other plea
from a heart like yours. But where's your vile
purchafer ? My rage returns ! I muft die foon
but firft in his breaft ! [Draws hisfword*
Colonel Downright. He's here !
Enter Mr. Anthony.
Charles* Then to his heart [Going to flal him,
fees it is his father > and, after a paufe, falls on bis
knees.] My father !
Mr. dntbony. Yes, I am the man \vhofe life
you
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 67
you leek. And, as your father, you might pur-
fue your purpofe But, as your wife's friend and
preserver, ftill kneel to me j and receive her, vir-
tuous, from my hands.
Charles. [Embracing herC\ Virtuous ! Virtu-
ous ! O my father Even groaning under your
difpleafure, ever dear, and revered ! What are
you now, while heavenly confolation pours from
your lips ?
Colonel Downright. Father and fon ! Why
then there's to be no battle at laft !
Mr. Antbcny. No Hoftilities are pan> and
may their future days know only peace ! My
fon [Embracing him*
Charles. That tender name diftracts me ! Let
me be morecompofed prepared before I expe-
rience fuch unexpected happinefs. -Maria, lead
me from my father Hereafter I will thank him $
but now, I cannot.
Mrs. Eufton. Oh ! Yes, my hufband, kneel
to him again ! Kneel for me ! For your poor-
children ! Saved from want and wretchednefs ! -
From being orphans ! Kneel to him for us all 1
pieferved from infamy !
Charles. O fpare the recollection I feel too
much ! A poor forfaken, defperate, dying man,
reftored to love, to life, to him too whofe anger,
(even while bleft with thee) plung'd me in con-
ftant forrow. It is too much !
Mr. Anthony. I thought my heart had been-
but \Hefaultersandwipes his eyesJ]
Colonel Downright. What ? Do you weep ?
Now that affects me more than any thing that has
been faid or done yet. I don't like to fee a wo*
man cry, but I can't bear to fee a man a man's
tears flow from fo deep a fource rthey always ap-
pear to have come a longjourney, and therefore I
E a notice
68 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
notice them as Grangers, that have gone through
fatigue and trouble on their way While a wo-
man's tears I confider as mere neighbours, that
call upon yon when they like, and generally drop
in on all occafions. [Exeunt.
SCENE III.
Major Cyprus'.?.
Enter Lady Harriet and Bloom.
Lady Harriet. [A loud rap.~\ That is Sir
George Heavens !
Bloom. Yes, my Lady, that it is
Lady Harriet. Heavens ! What a fenfation
How am I agitated at his approach ! Could I
have thought, a few hours ago, I Ihou'd ever fee
him again? Speak to him again! Oh this
fhame
Bloom. Shame ! Blefs me ! One docs feel a
little aihamed 'fometimes on feeing a flranger ;
but, my Lady, Sir George is (as one may fay)
an eld acquaintance.
Lady Harriet. I muft retire for a moment
Do you receive him and, before I return, give
him to underftand that I am not dying ; but will
come to him immediately. [Exit.
Bloom. Well, now I declare I begin to be a-
ihamed myfelf Own all I {wore to him on my
knees was a falfehobd ? Why, what will he fay ?
Dear me, I'm quite alarmed ! I muft retire for a
moment too ! [Goes to the back of the ftage. A
fervanf Jbozvs Sir George in, and retires^}
Sir George. How itrange does it feem to me to
find myfelf. once more in this houfe, efpecially
when I confider who refines here Who ? Per-
haps,
I'LLTELLYOUWHAT. 69
haps, by this time, poor Lady Harriet is no more
How amiably did my dear Lady Eufton enforce
her dying requeft I doubted the rettitude of com-
plying with it but Ihe furmounted all my fcru-
ples, and her tendernefs and generofity have en-
deared her to me more than ever.
Bloom comes down.-
Sir George. How does Lady Harriet ?
Bloom. As well as can be expected, Sir.
Sir George. How !
Bloom. I hope you won't be angry, Sir but
ihe's a little better.
Sir George, Angry ! No ; I am very glad to
hear it!
Bloom. Are you indeed, Sir ? Why then I be-
lieve fhe is a great deal better.
Sir George. Indeed! I am very glad.; but
then, if my attendance can be difpenfed with I
may as well
Major Cyprus. (Without) Let the chariot wait
perhaps, I may go out again.
Bloom. Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh '.that's the
Majorthat's my matter ! my other mailer !
Oh, what will become of us all ?
Sir George. How unlucky >
Bloom. Sir ! Dear Sir, hide yourfelf !
Sir George. Hide !
Bloom. On my knees I beg Confider my
poor dying Lady !
Major Cyprus. [On the flairs."} Go with that
note immediately.
Bloom. Here! in here, Sir, for Heaven's fake.
[Opening the dojet door.
#r Georp. 'Sdeath '.What ihall I do ? See
E 3 bimf
70 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
him ? Damnation !-- And fee him fare too ?
I can't bear it I muft avoid him.
[Goi:;g towards tie clofet.
Bloom. Here, Sir here, quick! [Sbe puts Sir
George into the clofet andjhuts the door.~]
Bloom. There, there he is ! thank Heaven !
For, if my poor Lady had loft the Major, flie
might never have got a third hufhand. Lord blefs
me, I'm juft as terrified as if I had never been ufecl
to thefe fort of things ! [Exit to Lady Harriet.
Enter Major Cyprus.
Major Cyprus. Ridiculed, baffled laughed at
difappointed ! How Sir George will enjoy this !
A fine figure I cut on my knees to Sir Harry, when
the Colonel and his friends were {hpwri in ! And
then my ridiculous vanity in wishing him to be
unmafked, confidently expediting it was Euflon's
wife !-- Oh, damn it ! Ill think no more of it ;
but as lam deprived the fatisfadtion of revenge
on the Lady abroad, I'll e'en torment my Lady
at home \[Calls~] Lady Harriet Lady Harriet.
Enter Lady Harriet and Bloom.
Major Cyprus. What's the matter ? You trem-
ble you look pale !
Lady Harriet, [trembling."] Tremble ! Blefs me
I've been faft afleep and fuch a dream ! I
thought I was falling
Bloom. Ay, my Lady, I always dream of
falling too !
Lady Harriet. [Tawns and rubs her eyes.] How
long have you been come home ? What's o'clock?
How long do you think I have fle-pt, Bloom ?
Bloom. I dare fay, pretty near an hour and
half, my Lady.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. 71
Lady Harriet. A miferable dull book, fell out
of my hand ! and I dropp'd infenfibly.
Bloom. And with the candles fo near your
Ladyfhip ! I'm fure your Ladylhip was very lucky,
you did not fet yourfelf on fire !
Major Cyprus. Aye ; does your Ladyfhip con-
fider the danger with the lights fo near you ? You
might have caught fire, and I fhou'd have had all
my valuable pictures and library confumed in an
inftant !
Lady Harriet. And I confumed too.
Major Cyprus. Aye, and your Ladyfhip.
Lady Harriet. Very true but I am fond of
reading melancholy books, that fet me to fleep.
Major Cyprus. Then I defire for the future,
you wou'd not read.
Lady Harriet. And don't you defire I wou'd not
ileep too ? I'm very forry you difturbed me.
Bloom, come and difpofe the fofa, and the lights,
I'm refolved I'll finifh my nap.
Major Cyprus. But Mrs. Bloom, firft order the
French horns up I'm out of fpirits. [Exit Bloom.
Lady Harriet. And do you imagine your horns
will difturb my repofe ? I fhall like them of all
things, they lull me to fleep,
Major Cyprus* Like them or not, I will have
them.
Lady Harriet. You fhall you fhall have them,
[Significantly.]
Servant. Colonel Dowaright, Sir, with two
gentlemen, flrangers, defire to be admitted.
3 Major Cyprus, [Afide.~\ What can bring them
here ? They dare not come to laugh at me ! No
matterr-l'll fee them. [Aloud.] Shew them up.
E 4 Enter
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Enter Colonel Downright, Mr. Eufton,
Anthony Eufton.
Colonel Downright. Major, thefe gentlemen,
the Mr. Euftons, have begged me to introduce
them to you, late as it is, on bulinefs in which
they are materially-
Mr. Anthony. Sir Major Cyprus, I beg your
pardon but I have received intelligence that my
nephew, Sir George Eufton, is in this houfcj, and
I am come to conduct him.fafe out of it.
Major Cyprus. Sir !---
Mr. Anthony. In fhort, Sir Sir George Euf-
ton has been, by fome unwarrantable means, led
to pay a vifit here, and I cannot leave the houfe
until I fee him. ---If I fhould, my neice, Lady
Eufton, will be highly alarmed (knowing you are
at home) for her hufband's fafety.
Major Cyprus. Sir George in this houfe ! Ri-
diculous fuppdfition !
Mr. Enfton. Call her Ladyihip's woman -She
delivered the meflage of invitation I fhall know
her again, for I faw her and I faw Sir George
foon after follow her.
Major Cyprus. Bloom ! Bloom ! -Where's
Bloom ?
Enter Bloom.
Pray were you at Sir George Eufton's to-day, or
this evening ?
. Bloom. I! At Sir George Eufton's, Sir!
Mr. Eufton. Yes : I faw you there.
Bloom. Oh! Oh! Oh! [crying] Oh dear ! I
was not there indeed, Sir !
Major Cyprus. You fee Ihe denies it, and con-
firms the truth with her tears.
Mr. Anthony. I diftruit them both-*-both her
truth and her tears.
Major
TLL TELL YOU WHAT. 7 j
Major Cyprus. Come, come, Mr. Anthony
Eufton, confefs you were not brought hither to ,
feek Sir George Clear yourfelf, in your turn,
from the fufpicions I entertain of you. But, if
you dare to avow yourfelf the contriver, or even
abettor, of the affront offered me at the mafque-
rade
Mr. Eufton. Major Cyprus ! My brother An-
thony knew no more of the appointment at the
maiquerade than the child unborn. But, blefs
you, my niece and we meant you no ill by it ; we
only meant to have a joke at your and Sir Harry's
expence, that ^ as all.
Major Cyprus. Then give me leave to tell you,
Mr. Eufton., and you alfo Mr. Anthony, that your ^
prefent vifit
Mr. Anthony. We underftand you, Sir only
allure us that Sir George Eufton is fafe, and we'll
leave your houfe immediately.
Major Cyprus. I affure you that Sir George
Eufton is fafe !
Mr. Anthony. You feem fnrprifed Let me
then fpeak a word with Lady Harriet, whom the
fervants tell me is at home. Is Ihe or not ?
Itfajor Cyprus. [To a fervant without J] Defire
your Lady to come hither. -But have a care, gen-
tlemen, how far you provoke me by your fufpi-
cions ! For, by Heaven-
Mr. Anthony. I have no fears but for Sir
George, nor will now your utmoft rage induce
me to quit the houfe till I am afliired of his
fafety.
Major Cyprus. And pray, Sir, who in this
houfe is to affure you of it ?
Sir George. [Eurfting from tie clofet.~\ Him-
felf!
Major Cyprus. Confulion!
IT
Mr.
74 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Mr. Anthony. You fee, Sir, my intelligence
was good,
Sir George. Strange as my concealment may
appear, the caufe was fuch as I can with honour
reveal.
Major Cyprus. Then, pray Sir, with " ho-
" nour reveal it."
Sir George. Why then, I allure you, Major-
and I affure you all upon my honour and on
the word of a gentleman that my being here-
was entirely owing to to
Major Cyprus. [Warmly.] To what? To
what, Sir ?
Colonel Downright. ** I'll tell you what" to
t an undefcribable fomething" to be fure !
Major Cyprus. Damnation !
Colonel Dwnrigbt. Did not I tell you to keep
the key of the clofet ?
Major Cyprus, Colonel, I beg this is not a
time
Enter Bloom.
Bloom. \To tl?e Major.'] The horns are ready,
Sir wou'd you choofe to have them ?
Major Cyprus. No. [/a a fury.] Exit Bloom.
Enter Lady Eufton and Lady Harriet, at oppofite
doors.
Lady Eufton. Where is Sir George ?
Mr. Eujlon. Here, my dear juit ftept out of
the clofet.
Lady Eujlon. What clofet ?
Colonel Downright. That that very identical
clofet.
Major Cyprus. Heigh ho !
Mr. Eufton. Indeed, Lady pufton, you have
caufe to reproach him.
Lady
75
Lady Eufton, I fear he will rather reproach me
for this abrupt intrufion but my apprehenfions
for his fafety (hearing no tidings from his uncles)
have alone impelled me to it.
Lady Harriet. Had your Ladyfhip not written
this letter to the amiable Sir Harry Harmlefs,
(which I unfortunately fuppofed intended for
Major Cyprus) your Ladyftiip's alarming " appre-
' henfions" might have been fpared, as I fent for
Sir George but to ftiew Ijim this letter.
Mr. Eufton. And that letter was only a joke
a fcheme to mortify the Major and Sir Harry.
Lady Eufton. It was fo I own it. Arid the
confufion the fcheme has occafioned, Sir George,
needs all your forgivenefs.
Sir George. I fincerely pardon it and hope
the whole company will do me the juflice to be-
lieve, that my fole motive for entering this houfe
was a compliance with, what I then thought, the
.dyiftg requcfl of that Lady. And I now believe
that her Ladyfhip's fole motive for wifhing to fee
me was merely to fhew me the letter of which fhe
fpeaks a copy of which, not without my know-
ledge, but againft my opinion, was written by
Lady Eufton to Major Cyprus, appointing a ficti-
tious interview, in return for his having dared to
pffend her with the profeffion of a licentious paf-
fion !
Major Cyprus. Sir George, I am perfectly fa-
tisfied with this explanation. But, after what has
happened, the world may defpife me for being fo,
and therefore, Lady Harriet, from this moment
we feparate And we had been wifer, as well as
heppier, if we had never met.
Lady Harriet. Mofl willingly feparate Your
unkind treatment and my own conflant inquie-
tude have long iince taught a woman of the
xvorld too feelingly to acknowledge, (e No lafting
ff friendlhip is form'd on vice."
Mr.
;6 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
Mr. Anthony. Preach this, my dear Lady, to
all your fair countrywomen enforce your words
by your future condud:, and they fliall draw a
veil over the frailty of your pail life.
Lady Harriet. Oh ! Mr. Anthony, cou'd I but
retrieve my innocence, my honour, for ever loft !
Mr. Anthony. Yet, do not'defpair. You can
Hill poflefs one ineftimable good that inborn vir-
tue which never per ijhes which never leaves us
but to return. For, when you think it extin-
guifhed, feel but due remorie, and it rifes again
in the foul.
Mr. Eujion. That's right, brother Anthony
comfort her it is your duty. And we are all re-
lations, you know the whole company are related
to one another. Though it is in an odd kind of
a jumbled way I wiili fome learned gentleman
of the law would tell us what relations we all
are and what relation the child of a firfl hufband
is to his mother's fecond hufband, v\hile his own
father is living.
Mr. Anthony. Brother, you think too deeply.
Mr. Eufton. Not at all, brother Anthony !
And, for fear the gentlemen of the long robe
ihou'd not be able to find out the prefent com-
pany's affinity, let us appeal to the kindred ties of
each other's paffions, weaknefles, and imperfec-
tions ; and, thereupon, agree to part, this eve-
ning, not only near relations, but good friends*
THE END.
EPILOGUE.
Written by GEORGE COLMAN, Efq.
Spoken by Mifs FAR REN.
M,
.ALE Critics applaud to the fkies the male fcrib-
blers , ^u.
When a woman attempts, they turn carpers and nibblers;
But a true Patriot Female, there's nothing Co vexes,
As this haughty pre-eminence claim'd 'twixt the fexes,
The free fpirit revolts at each hard proposition,
And meets the whole fyftem with loud oppofi tion.
Men, 'tis true, in their noddles huge treafures may hoard*
But the Heart of a woman with pafiGons is ftor'd.
With paflions not copied from Latin or Greek, .
Which the language of Nature in plain Englifh fpeak.
Girls who grieve, or rejoice, from true feeling, as I do,
Never dream of Calypfo, or Helen, or Dido.
To the end of our life, from the hour we begin it,
Woman's fate all depends on the critical minute ;
A minute unknown to the dull pedant tribe :
And which, never feeling, they never defcribe.
*Tis no work of fcience, or fparkle of wit,
But a point which mere Nature muft teach us to hit ;
And which, in the changes and turns of my ftory,
A weak woman's pen has to-night laid before ye.
And fay, ye grave prudes ! gay coquettes too, ah fay,
What a critical minute was mine in the play !
Here poverty, famine, and fhame, and reproach ;
There plenty and eafe, and a Lord and a coach.
But perhaps our Bard held Mrs. Eufton too mean,
And conceiv'd her difgrace wou'd but lower the fcene:
Let us then, better pleas'd to acquit than convict her,
On the ground of high life (ketch the very fame piclure !
Imagine
EPILOGUE.
Imagine fome fair, plung'd in modi fh diftrefs,
Her wants not lefs than mine, nor her agony lefs.
At hazard, fuppofe, an unfortunate caft, .
Has fwept her laft guinea, nay, more than her lafc
Her diamonds all mortgag'd, her equipage fold,
Herhufband undone, genteel friends looking cold ;
At her feet his fweet perfon Lord Foppington throws,
The moil handfome of nobles, the richeft of beaux {
At once too his Love and his bounty difpenfes,
Sooths with thoufands her -grief, lulls with flatt'ry her
fenfes.
Alas, what a minute ! Ah! What can be done >
All means muft be tried, and our drama fhews one.
Let papa in that minute, that fo frowns upon her,
Redeem the vile debts that encumber her honour !
Let papa in that minute that teems with undoing,
Step in like my father, and marr a Lord's wooing !
Let her know, as I've known, all the horror that's in it,
And feel the true force of the critical minute!
Thus wimes our bard, as Ihe bids me declare;
And iuqh is my wiih, by my Honour I fwear.
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY
Los Angeles
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below.
OCT 2 2001
SRLF
QUARTER
*
JUN
315
3 1158 00754 2334
PR
R39f
UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY
A 000435952 7