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 5 CENTS 
 
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 MJackson 
 
 
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 r ^|tomes| 
 
 Sayings 
 
 OF THE 
 SOUTHERN 
 
 Parities 
 
 ALL THE LATEST 
 g AH* BECT t ^ $ 
 
 THOS. W. JACKSpN, PUBLISHER, CHICAGO, ILL. 
 
THOMAS W. JACKSON. 
 
On a Slow Train 
 Through Arkansaw 
 
 By THOS. W. JACKSON 
 
 FUNNY RAILROAD STORIES SAYINGS OF THE 
 
 SOUTHERN DARKIES ALL THE LATEST 
 
 AND .BEST MINSTREL JOKES 
 
 OF THE DAY 
 
 THIS BOOK SENT POST PAID TO ANY 
 ADDRESS ON RECEIPT OF 25 CENTS 
 
 THOS. W. JACKSON, Publisher 
 CHICAGO, ILL. 
 ert- \ fa 3-9 
 
Copyright 1903 
 
 BY 
 
 THOS. W. JACKSON 
 
 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 
 
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 4 
 
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 tjt t A, DQNQMyE & CO t| PRIHT5R8 AND 0INOER3, 4Q7-4?9 ggAJtJQR^ ST., CHIQASQ, 
 
tfAl/J 
 
 On a Slow Train Through 
 Arkansaw 
 
 You are not the only pebble on the beach for 
 there is a little rock in Arkansaw. It was down 
 in the state of Arkansaw I rode on the slowest 
 train I ever saw. It stopped at every house. 
 When it come to a double house it stopped twice. 
 They made so many stops I said, ''Conductor, 
 what have we stopped for now ? ' ' He said, " There 
 are some cattle on the track.' ' We ran a little 
 ways further and stopped again. I said, " What 
 is the matter now?" He said, " We have caught 
 up with those cattle again.' ' We made pretty 
 good time for about two miles. One old cow got 
 her tail caught in the cow-catcher and she ran 
 off down the track with the train. The cattle 
 bothered us so much they had to take the cow- 
 catcher off the engine and put it on the hind end 
 of the train to keep the cattle from jumping up 
 in the sleeper. A lady said, " Conductor, can't 
 this train make any better time than this?" 
 He said, "If you ain't satisfied with this train, 
 you can get off and walk." She said she would, 
 only her folks didn't expect her till the train got 
 there. A lady handed the conductor two tickets, 
 one whole ticket and a half ticket. He said, 
 
 5 
 
 M151463 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 "Who is the half ticket for?" She said, "My 
 boy." The conductor said, "He's not a boy; 
 
 iTHE SLOW TRAIN 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 7 
 
 he's a man. Under twelve, half fare, over 
 twelve, full fare." She said, "He was under 
 twelve when we started.' ' 
 
 The news agent came through. He was an 
 old man with long gray whiskers. I said, "Old 
 
 ON THE SLOW TRAIN 
 
 man, I thought they always had boys on the 
 train to sell the pop corn, chewing gum and 
 candy/ ' He said he was a boy when he started. 
 They stopped so often one of the passengers tried 
 to commit suicide. He ran ahead for half a mile, 
 laid down on the track, but he starved to death 
 before the train got there. 
 
8 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 We had a narrow escape of being killed. Just 
 as we got on the middle of a high bridge the en- 
 gineer discovered it was on fire, but we went right 
 across. Just as the last car got over, the bridge 
 fell. I said, " Conductor, how did we ever get 
 across without going down?" He said, "Some 
 train robbers held us up." 
 
 We ran a little further and stopped again. Some 
 one asked the conductor what was wrong. He 
 said a cow had kicked the fireman in the jaw. 
 The engineer had stopped to tie the cow's foot up. 
 
 The conductor collected half fare from a lady 
 for her little girl. It made her so mad she asked 
 the conductor what that said on his cap. He 
 said, " Train conductor." She said it ought to be 
 "Train robber." He said he only took what 
 was fare. 
 
 There was a lady on the train with a baby. 
 When the conductor asked her for her ticket, she 
 said she didn't have any, the baby had swallowed 
 it. The conductor punched the baby. 
 
 There were three kinds of passengers who rode on 
 that train. First class, Second class and Third 
 class. I said, "Conductor, what is the difference 
 between the First class and Third class passengers, 
 they are all riding in the same car?" He said, 
 "Just wait a while and I will show you." We 
 ran a little ways and stopped again. The con- 
 ductor came in and said, "First class passengers, 
 keep your seats ; Second class passengers, get off 
 and walk; Third class passengers, get off and 
 push." 
 
 For a crooked road, she was the limit. In 
 order to get the engine around the curves they 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 9 
 
 had a hinge in the boiler. The fireman had a 
 wooden leg and was crossed-eyed, half of the 
 time he was shoveling coal in the headlight in- 
 stead of the fire-box. It was so crooked we met 
 ourself coming back. The curves were so short 
 they called them corners. The engineer had to 
 shave every day to keep the rocks from knocking 
 off his whiskers. 
 
 The conductor was the tallest man I ever saw. 
 I said, " Conductor, what makes you so tall?" 
 He said it was because he had had his leg pulled 
 so often. He said he was born in the top of a 
 ten story building. He came high, but they had 
 to have him. 
 
 He said he had been running on that road for 
 thirty years, and had only taken in one fare, 
 that was the World's Fair. 
 
 An old lady said to the porter, "Are you the 
 colored porter ?" He said, no, he wasn't colored 
 he was born that way. She said, "I gave you 
 a dollar, where is my change ?" He said, "This 
 car goes through; there is no change/ ' 
 
 There was a Dutchman on the train, he was 
 trying to ride on a meal ticket. The conductor 
 told him he would have to pay his fare. He said, 
 " How much does it cost to ride to the next sta- 
 tion ?" The conductor said, "Thirty cents.' ' 
 The Dutchman said, " I will give you twenty-five." 
 The conductor told him it would cost him thirty. 
 The Dutchman said, "Before I will give more 
 than twenty-five I will walk." The conductor 
 stopped the train and put him off. The Dutch- 
 man ran ahead of the engine and started to walk. 
 The engineer began to blow the whistle. The 
 
io On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 Dutchman said, " You can vissel all you vant, I 
 wont come back." 
 
 There was an old man and woman on the train 
 by the name of Jessup. There happened to be a 
 place where, the train stopped by the name of 
 Jessup's Cuv. The old man went to the car ahead. 
 When the brakeman came in and hollered, " Jes- 
 sup's Cut!" the old woman jumped up and holler- 
 ed, "My God! who cut Jessup?" 
 
 They ran a little ways further and stopped again. 
 Somebody said, "Conductor, what have we stop- 
 ped for now?" He said, "We have reached the 
 top of the hill. It is now down grade; we will 
 make a little better time and have an entire 
 change of scenery." And so we did. 
 
 "Are you married?" 
 
 "Yes, I married a spiritualist." 
 
 "How are you getting along?" 
 
 "Medium." 
 
 I hear they are going to vaccinate the entire 
 police force of Chicago. 
 
 I don't see what they want to do that for, 
 a policeman never catches anything. 
 
 "We had a big wooden- wedding over at our 
 house." 
 
 "How was that?" 
 
 "My sister married a blockhead." 
 
 " Do you know that my sister is a duchess now?" 
 "No. How did she come to be a duchess?" 
 "She married a Dutchman." 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw n 
 
 " I got a letter from father the other day. He 
 has gone in the hog business. I wrote and told 
 told him that there was lots of money in hogs, to 
 stay with it." 
 
 "What do you know about hogs?" 
 
 " I know all about hogs ; I was raised with them." 
 
 "You must be from Missouri." 
 
 " Do you think that Shakespeare wrote all those 
 plays that they say he did?" 
 
 " I don't know, I never thought much about it, 
 but when I die, if I am fortunate enough to go to 
 Heaven, I will ask him." 
 
 "In case he ain't there, then what?" 
 
 "Oh, well! then you ask him." 
 
 "My girl is a dressmaker; she makes wrappers 
 for cigars. There is just one thing wrong with 
 her; she is cross-eyed. She is a good girl; she is 
 honest but she looks crooked." 
 
 "Do you read the papers?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Have you noticed the number of railroad acci- 
 dents that have happened lately? Just the other 
 night at a wedding it so happened that Johnny 
 Carr was going to be married to a young lady of 
 the same name. Just as the preacher was pro- 
 nouncing the ceremony a rifle ball came through 
 the window, struck the preacher in the breast and 
 killed him." 
 
 "Well, what has that got to do with a railroad 
 accident?" 
 
 "They say he was killed while coupling cars. 
 
 " Only yesterday at the hotel I am stopping at, 
 
12 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 one of the chamber-maids was found lying in a 
 room dead ; her false hair had come down, wrap- 
 ped around her neck and choked her to death. 
 They say her death was caused by a misplaced 
 switch." 
 
 The only difference between you and a man 
 that takes the wool off a lamb's back and dyes 
 it is, he is a lamb's dyer and you are a d 1 . 
 
 What is the difference between that ten dollars 
 you owe me and Tennessee. 
 
 What is the difference? 
 
 Tennessee I will see. The ten you owe me I 
 will never see. 
 
 There was a little town on the line called Holder. 
 There was a newly married couple on the train. 
 They were holding hands and warming right up 
 to one another when the brakeman came in and 
 hollered, " Holder! Holder!" He said it was all 
 right if he did, they were married. 
 
 The conductor told a fellow that the next place 
 was where he got off. He said, " Which end of the 
 car shall I get off of?" The conductor said, 
 " Either one; both ends stop." 
 
 There was a young fellow on the train. He 
 couldn't get a seat. He was walking up and down 
 the aisle and swearing. There was a preacher in 
 the car. He said, " Young man, do you know 
 where you are going, sir? You are going straight 
 to Hell." He said, "I don't give a darn; I've 
 got a round trip ticket." 
 
 The brakeman came in and hollered, ''Twenty 
 minutes for dinner!" When the train stopped 
 we all rushed for the dining-room, I ordered two 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 13 
 
 soft boiled eggs. When the waiter brought them 
 in, she opened one and said, " Shall I open the 
 other?" 
 
 I said, "No, open the window." 
 
 She said, "Ain't the eggs all right?". 
 
 I said, " Yes, they are all right, but I think they 
 have been mislaid." 
 
 One fellow in the excitement drank a cup of 
 yeast thinking it was buttermilk. He rose im- 
 mediately. 
 
 &pe* 
 
 
 A FOUR MILE RUN 
 
 The waiter was handing me my coffee just as 
 the conductor was hollering, " All aboard." She 
 flipped and fell and spilled the coffee down my 
 
14 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 back. When she got up she said, " Excuse me, 
 will you have some more?" 
 
 I said, "No, you can bring me an umbrella." 
 
 When I looked out I saw the train was going. 
 It was down grade, I had to run it for four miles ; 
 caught the hind car; just as I pulled myself up 
 on the steps the train stopped, backed in on the 
 siding and laid four hours to take on wood. 
 
 When we started a young lady asked the con- 
 ductor if her uncle would meet her at the depot 
 when she got off. Of course he was supposed to 
 know. 
 
 At one place we stopped a fellow ran up to the 
 conductor and said, ' Is this my train ? ' ' He said, 
 "I don't think so. The company has got their 
 name on it." The fellow said, "I am going to 
 take it." The conductor said, "You want to be 
 careful about that, for there has been several 
 trains missed here lately." 
 
 The stations were so close together when they 
 stopped at one they had to back up to whistle for 
 the next. 
 
 There were some of the wealthiest ladies on 
 that train I ever saw. The train stopped, one lady 
 said to the other, " This is your town, and the next 
 one is mine." 
 
 Pretty soon they hollered out, " Skeetersville ! " 
 That was my town where I got off. I saw a sign 
 that read "Hotel." I went over and registered. 
 
 They gave me a room on the first floor, that is 
 from the roof. It was one of those rooms when 
 you rent it the roof uses it. When I went to bed 
 I had a creeping sensation come over me. I got 
 up and told the landlord that there were bugs in 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaiv 15 
 
 the bed. He said there wasn't a single bed- 
 bug in the house ! I told him that he was right 
 about it, they were all married and had large 
 families. 
 
 I remember the hotel was on the bluff and it 
 was run on bluff. Skeetersville was a very appro- 
 
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 HOTEL SCENE IN ARKANSAW 
 
 priate name for the place, for the musquitors was 
 all there. They would come around and look 
 on the register to see what room you had. The 
 landlord told me he had just adopted a new set of 
 rules. He. handed me a list of them. They read 
 something like this: 
 
 Rule One : In order to prevent the guests from 
 carrying fruit from the table, there will be no 
 fruit. 
 
1 6 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 Married men without baggage will leave their 
 wives in the office. 
 
 Old and feeble gentlemen will not be allowed 
 to play in the halls. 
 
 Guests will not be allowed to use Indian clubs 
 or dumbbells in their rooms. If they want exercise 
 they can go in the kitchen and beat the steak. 
 I set right up to the table and beat mine. 
 
 Guests will not be allowed to tip the waiters, 
 as it is liable to cause them to break the dishes. 
 (I promise you there was no dishes broken while I 
 was there.) 
 
 Guests at . this hotel wishing fine board, will 
 please call for saw dust. Biscuits found riveted 
 together can be opened with a chisel furnished 
 by the waiter. The use of dynamite is positively 
 prohibited. 
 
 Guests needn't mind paying their board, as 
 the hotel is supported by a good foundation. 
 
 Guests on retiring at night will leave their 
 money with the night clerk, for he will get it 
 anyhow. 
 
 If you want the bellboy, wring a towel. 
 
 If you get hungry during the night, take a roll 
 in bed. 
 
 Base-ball players wanting exercise will find a 
 pitcher on the table. 
 
 If you want to write take a sheet off the bed. 
 
 If you find the bed to be-a little buggy and you 
 have a nightmare, just hitch the mare to the 
 buggy and drive off. 
 
 The landlord took me out for a drive. There is 
 some fine farms down there. He showed me a 
 farm that you could raise anything on. He said 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 17 
 
 they could raise potatoes as large as your head. 
 They could raise cabbage that would weigh over 
 a hundred pounds. I said, "This is certainly a 
 remarkable country. How do you account for it 
 all?" 
 
 He said, " It is the climate. That is the secret 
 of it all. It is the climate.' ' I said, "Old man, 
 do you know that in the City of Chicago there is a 
 building that is twenty-two stories high that 
 hasn't got any stairs or elevator to it?" 
 
 "How do they get up in it?" 
 
 "They climb it." 
 
 He said, "Do you know, that all we need in 
 this country is a little more rain and a little better 
 society." I said, "That is all that Hell needs." 
 
 I had only been there about a week when the 
 landlord told me I had been bombarding against 
 his house. I told him I hadn't been doing any 
 bombarding, but I had been doing some bum 
 boarding. 
 
 You couldn't get a square meal. They fed us 
 on round tables. 
 
 CONUNDRUMS. 
 
 Did you ever hear the story about the black 
 crow? No, I never did. It's a bird. 
 
 Did you ever hear the story about the two holes 
 in the ground. No. Well, well. 
 
 What is the greatest neglected vegetable in the 
 world. A policeman's beat. 
 
 Why is a pocket handkerchief like a ship at sea ? 
 Because it gets many a hard blow and occasionally 
 goes around the horn. 
 
1 8 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 Why are eggs always cheaper on the docks? 
 Because the ships lay to. 
 
 Suppose you should break your knee, where 
 should you go to get another? To Africa, that is 
 where the negroes. 
 
 Can you tell me the difference between a pair of 
 pants and a pie? 
 
 What is the difference? 
 
 A pair of pants has to be cut before they are 
 made: a pie has to be made before it is cut. 
 
 Why is a horse with his head hanging down like 
 next Monday? 
 
 Because its neck's weak. 
 
 Why does a hen lay an egg? Because it is 
 beyond the power of Carrie Nation to hatch it. 
 
 Suppose a lady should break her knee, where 
 should she go to get another? To Jerusalem, 
 where the Shee-neys grow. 
 
 Why do the stars in the American Flag rep- 
 resent the stars in Heaven? Because it is be- 
 yond the power of any nation on earth to pull 
 them down. 
 
 What is the difference between Christian Science 
 and a lean woman? One is a humbug, the other 
 is- a bum hug. 
 
 If you kiss a young lady she calls it faith. If 
 you kiss a married woman she calls it hope. If 
 you kiss an old maid she calls it charity. 
 
 My next stop was Potts ville. When I got there 
 the county fair was going on. It looked like 
 Fourth of July. Talk about the streets of Cairo ! 
 they wasn't in it with Pottsville. I went out to 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 19 
 
 the fair grounds. I met a one-legged man selling 
 lead pencils. I asked him how business was. He 
 said he couldn't kick. 
 
 I saw a fellow turning a hand-organ with a sign 
 on his hat that said, "Help me, I am blind/ ' I 
 said to him, M How do I know you are blind? You 
 prove to me you are blind, and I will give you a 
 quarter/ ' He said, "Let me see the quarter.' ' 
 
 I went a little ways further; saw a sign that 
 said, " Fortunes told " ; went in and had mine told. 
 The fortune teller looked at my hand and told 
 mine. He said I was going to get married and 
 have lots of clothes. I asked him how he could tell. 
 He said by my clothes line. He told me I had 
 been eating onions. How do you suppose he 
 knew that? I told him I hadn't breathed it to a 
 soul except him. He said that I would be without 
 money until I was forty years old and then I 
 would be used to it. 
 
 I saw a lot of fellows throwing balls at babies. 
 You get a cigar for every baby you hit. I thro wed 
 for ten minutes, and never hit a baby. I began 
 to get homesick right away. I suppose it was 
 because I missed the children. 
 
 I went to the postoffice. There I saw some signs 
 that read, "Postoffice open from now till then." 
 "From here to there." "Pistol cards for sale." 
 "Leave your address with the undertaker." 
 "Stamp your letters and not your feet." "Lick 
 the stamps and not the Post Master." "Office 
 closes at six o'clock on the last Saturday of each 
 week." " By order of the Post Hole office man." 
 
 A man came in and said to the Post Master, " Is 
 there a letter here for me?" The Post Master 
 
20 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 said, "What is the name, please ?" He said, 
 4 'Louder." The Post Master said, "I want to 
 know your name." He said, " Louder. J. H. 
 Louder. If you wasn't working for Uncle Sam 
 I'd take a tooth pick and come around behind 
 there and clean your ears." 
 
 I went to the hotel, picked up a paper, read the 
 heading of a piece that said, "Big Railroad 
 Wreck. No one hurt! Ten Texas steers and a 
 brakeman killed I The heading of another piece 
 read like this, " Big shoe store burnt in the East. 
 One thousand soles lost, all the heels were saved." 
 I read another piece that said, "A man jumped in 
 the river and committed suicide ! They say there 
 was a woman at the bottom of it!" 
 
 I read some of the advertisements. 
 
 One read, "Wanted, young lady to work in a 
 bakery. She must be from the East and well bred 
 and she will get her dough every Saturday night." 
 
 Another read, "Wanted a man and wife to work 
 on a farm. They must speak German and French 
 and understand horses and cows." 
 
 "Young man wants position in bank handling 
 money. Has no objections to leaving town." 
 
 " A man that never done a day's work in his life 
 wants a position as night watchman." 
 
 " Large dog for sale Will eat anything. Very 
 fond of children." 
 
 While I was there I was arrested for gambling. 
 The judge fined me ten dollars. I said : " Judge, I 
 wasn't playing for money, I was playing for chips." 
 He said chips was just the same as money. So I 
 gave him ten dollars worth of chips. 
 
 In Arkansaw they believe in doing everything 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 21 
 
 right. I stopped at a place where there was one 
 doctor, two shoe makers and a blacksmith. The 
 doctor killed a man. They didn't want to be 
 without a doctor, so they hung one of the shoe 
 makers. 
 
 I stopped at one place where they had lost all 
 track of the day of the week. They were holding 
 church on Monday for Sunday. Some of the 
 people down there have a queer way of naming 
 their children. I stopped with a family that had 
 two twin boys. One was named Pete and the 
 other Repete. At another place they had two 
 twin girls. One they called Kate, the other Du- 
 plicate. I stopped with a family by the name of 
 Wind. They had a daughter. Her name was 
 Helen Augusta Wind. 
 
 We came to a sign in the forks of a road that 
 read like this, "Take the right hand road for the 
 distillery. If you can't read, ask the blacksmith. ' ' 
 At another place I was at they were going to have 
 an entertainment. It was to be home talent, of 
 course. I received an invitation and was also 
 asked to take part in the play, which I agreed to 
 do. They put my name on the program, and, of 
 course, I was expected to do something, I re- 
 member the first number on the program was a 
 young lady. She came out to sing. She had a 
 kind of a Montana voice. It was a beaut. It 
 was Hell-ena. She had it vaccinated but it didn't 
 take. 
 
 The next was a young fellow. He sang a song 
 that was dedicated to the milkmen of that place, 
 entitled, " Shall We Gather at the River." When 
 he started to sing the boys went out and got a lot 
 
22 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 of duck eggs and throwed them at him. You 
 ought to have seen him duck eggs. 
 
 They have a different way of encoring you down 
 there. They don't clap their hands when they 
 want you to come back. They all holler, " Come 
 back." When we got through they hollered, 
 "Come back! Come back!" One big fellow 
 dared him to come back. 
 
 It came my turn next. I said, "Ladies and 
 gentlemen, I will recite you a little poetry. I will 
 take for my subject, "The Lights.' ' 
 
 ' ' The lights that shine tonight in this grand theater 
 Are not as bright as the lights that shine tonight in 
 Denver, Colorata." 
 
 They wanted me to sing. I told them I had just 
 received a message saying I had a very bad cold. 
 They insisted I should sing anyhow. I agreed to 
 sing. I said the first part of the song is awfully 
 simple. The second part is simply awful. If you 
 have any tears to shed go to the wood-shed and 
 shed them. When I started to sing I received the 
 greatest ovation of eggs that anybody ever re- 
 ceived. I hollered "Fowl!" Before I got half 
 way through the song over half of the audience 
 was on the stage. They said if they could find a 
 rail they would show me a trick. They lifted me 
 up on their shoulders and escorted me to the city 
 limits and told me not to come back and I didn't 
 come back. I kept on going until I got to Fort 
 Smith. When I got there the first place I came 
 to was a saloon. I walked right in and called for 
 a glass of seltzer. The bartender poured it out 
 and set it on the bar. I heard a noise on the out- 
 side. I walked to the door to see what it was. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 23 
 
 When I came back my seltzer was gone. There 
 was no one there but the bartender and myself; 
 I knew he must have taken it. I hit him. In 
 came a policeman and arrested me. He took me 
 down to the jail, opened up a door and said, 
 "This is your cell, sir." 
 
 I found it to be a perfect sell. The windows, 
 they were great. I was just surrounded with bars 
 and couldn't get a drink. United States court is 
 held there for the Indian Territory. All the tough 
 characters are brought there for trial. They usu- 
 ally have a hanging about every Friday. There 
 are a great many people who leave Fort Smith by 
 the rope route. There is a scaffold in the jail yard 
 that accommodates ten at once. The hangman is 
 an old man. He has the distinction of being the 
 champion hangman of the world. He has sprung 
 the trap on eighty-seven men and has shot to 
 death seven. When he gets them on the scaffold 
 he hollers, "Get your feet up even!" When he 
 puts the rope around their necks he tickles them 
 under the chin and tells them he is going to make 
 angels out of them. 
 
 While I was in Fort Smith a policeman found a 
 man lying on the sidewalk who had fainted, he 
 took him to the police station. When he got 
 there he discovered the man was dead. They 
 searched him and found a six-shooter and forty 
 dollars. The policeman took the six-shooter; the 
 judge fined him forty dollars for carrying con- 
 cealed weapons. 
 
 Look at the condition of the working man to- 
 day, where is he? The tinners are continually 
 
24 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 going up the spout. The plumbers are always 
 in the gutter. The paper-hangers are up against 
 the wall. The bakers are compelled to raise the 
 dough. The police has to be on the beet in order 
 to live. The shoe-makers have to work on their 
 uppers and they get waxed in the end. The 
 clock-makers are run on tick and they are never 
 on time. The old washwoman is always in soak 
 and she is the only one you see hanging out on 
 the line. 
 
 When I left Fort Smith I remember it was on a 
 Friday night. The 13th day of the month. I 
 had berth 13, and there was a cross-eyed porter 
 on the car. There was a newly married couple 
 in the next berth to me. During the night she 
 wanted a drink of water." She said, " John, get 
 up and get me a drink of water." He said, " Dear, 
 you get up and get it." She said, "How will I 
 know what berth you are in when I come back?" 
 He said, "I will stick my foot out in the aisle." 
 When she came back every man in the car had his 
 foot sticking out in the aisle. 
 
 The next morning the porter brushed my clothes. 
 I thanked him. 
 
 He said, "Look hyer, boss! You is the sixth 
 man I'se brushed off dis mawnin' ; I ain't seen 
 any dust yet." 
 
 I said, " There has been over a hundred porters 
 brushed my clothes; none of them ever got any 
 dust out of them." 
 
 He said, "You shore carries de dust in your 
 pocket." 
 
 The next morning I was riding m the chair car. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 25 
 
 There was a fellow sitting along side of me. He 
 seemed to be mighty sleepy. I said, "Did you 
 take a berth last night?" He said, "Yes, but I 
 had an upper berth, and had to get up before I 
 went to bed." I said, "Do you see that scar on 
 my face? That is my berth mark." "How is 
 
 ALL FEET LOOKED ALIKE TO HER 
 
 that?" "I took a sleeper not long ago and got 
 in the wrong berth." 
 
 A boy fell over a lady's valise and said he was 
 just getting over the grip. 
 
 There were two brakemen on the train. One 
 was a new man making his first trip. The old 
 
26 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 brakeman said to the new one, "I will call the 
 station in one end of the car, and you call the 
 
 THE SLOW 'WESTON A DOWN GRADE NIGH LITTLE ROCK, 
 GWIEN A PERTY GOOD HICKERY 
 
 same in the other end." When the train whistled 
 for the station the old brakeman came in and 
 called out the name in the front end of the car. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 27 
 
 The new brakeman in the hind end hollered, " The 
 same in this end!" The old brakeman told him 
 the name of the next station and said, "When 
 we get there you call the name in both ends of the 
 car." When the train whistled for the station 
 the new man came in the car. He started to call 
 the station, but had forgotten .the name. He 
 stood for a moment, then said, " This is it, people ; 
 this is it." 
 
 There were several prisoners on the train bound 
 for the states-prison at Little Rock. When we 
 got there we all knew it. The brakeman came in 
 and hollered, "Little Rock! Change clothes. Four 
 years for refreshments. Free conveyance to the 
 state house with all the latest improvements." 
 
 When I got off the train I stepped into a hack, 
 and told the driver to take me to a good hotel. He 
 started off with a sudden jerk. After he had drove 
 several blocks I stuck my head out of the door and 
 told him not to drive quite so fast, as I had on a 
 pair of bad shoes. He said, "What has that got to 
 do with me driving fast, you having on a pair of bad 
 shoes ? " I told him that when he started the bottom 
 dropped out of the hack and I had been running ever 
 since. 
 
 Little Rock is a very interesting place. I started 
 out to see some of the sights. I got on a street car 
 to take a ride. The car was crowded. I was 
 standing up in the aisle holding on to a strap when 
 the car struck a short curve. I fell over on a big, 
 fat lady's lap. She gave me a shove and said, 
 "What are you, a Laplander or a Highlander?" 
 When the conductor came in I saw he was an old 
 friend of mine. I thought I would have a little chat 
 
28 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 with him. I said, "It is a nice day." He said, 
 "Fair." I had my nickel in my mouth. The car 
 came to a sudden stop and I will be darned if I 
 didn't swallow the nickel. I was in an awful fix. 
 I went to see a doctor. He made me cough up two 
 dollars. 
 
 I next visited the Court House. They were try- 
 ing a fellow for biting off a man's ear. The judge 
 bound him over to keep the piece. 
 
 The next one was arrested for stealing a peck 
 measure. The Judge asked him what his business 
 was. He said he was a tailor. The judge said, 
 " You are discharged. If you are a tailor you have 
 a right to take any man's measure." 
 
 They brought another fellow in charged with 
 stealing nine bottles of beer. The judge told him 
 he would have to go back and get the other three. 
 He couldn't make a case out of nine. 
 
 The next one came up had been fighting. The 
 judge said, " What is your name? " He said, "John 
 Smith." "What is your business?" He said he 
 was a locksmith. The judge said, "Ten dollars. 
 Locksmith up." 
 
 A policeman brought in three Chinamen and an 
 Irishman. The Chinamen had been smoking opium. 
 The Irishman was booked for getting drunk and 
 disturbing the peace. The judge said to the first 
 Chinaman, "What is your name?" He said, "Ah 
 Sin." "Thirty days." He said to the next China- 
 man, "What is your name?" He said, "Ah 
 Chung." "Thirty days." He said to the next 
 Chinaman, "What is your name?" He said, "Ah 
 Bung." "Thirty days." The judge said to the 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 29 
 
 Irishman, "What is you name?" He said, "Ah 
 Hell, I suppose it is thirty days anyhow." 
 
 I think a married woman should take her name 
 from the position her husband holds in life. You 
 take a baker's wife; she should be called Dora. A 
 shoemaker's wife should be called Peggie. A street 
 car conductor's wife you would call her Carrie. A 
 brewery man, he should have a wife with a cork 
 leg ; then he would get his hops for nothing. When 
 I marry I am going to call my wife muskmellon, 
 then she cantaloupe. 
 
 I had an old friend living in Little Rock by the 
 name of Work. I started out to find him. I was 
 standing on the street corner. A policeman asked 
 me what I was waiting for. I told him I was look- 
 ing for Work. He said, "If you are looking for 
 work go down to the City Hall and you can get a 
 job sweeping the streets if you are out for the dust." 
 I called him a lobster, then he pinched me. 
 
 I saw some funny things happen while I was in 
 Little Rock. I saw a runaway team come down the 
 street. It ran into a butcher wagon and knocked 
 the liver right out of it. Saw a fellow drive a team 
 over a man. After he got over him he stopped and 
 hollered, "Look out!" The fellow said, "What's 
 the matter? Are you coming back again?" I saw a 
 fellow running down the street. A policeman stop- 
 ped him and asked him if he was training for a race. 
 He said, "No, he was racing for a train." 
 
 Little Rock is noted for pretty girls. I met one 
 of the first girls of the town. That is, the first as 
 
3<d On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 you drive in. Her name was Auto. I think she 
 was from Mobile. There was one thing about her 
 I didn't like. That was her feet. They were just 
 as long behind as they were in front. You couldn't 
 tell which way she was going. She was the most 
 bashful girl I ever saw. She wouldn't go by a 
 
 THE BASHFUL GIRL 
 
 lumber yard where there was undressed lumber. 
 She wouldn't even wear a watch because it had 
 hands. She wouldn't look at a band playing where 
 they had a bass drum. She said she wouldn't stand 
 and see any man beat his bearskin. She wouldn't 
 wear undressed kids. She even had pants made for 
 the table legs. We were out one evening and she 
 exposed her ignorance. We went into where there 
 was a soda water fountain. I called for an egg 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 31 
 
 phosphate. She said she would take hers scram- 
 bled. We went to the theater. We were sitting 
 up in the gallery, a fellow came out on the stage 
 and began to roll up a carpet. All the boys began 
 to holler "Supe!" She said, "They are hollering 
 'soup,' let's go down and get some." After the 
 show I took her home. We started to play cards. 
 She held hearts and I held diamonds. Her father 
 came in. He wanted a hand. He held clubs. I 
 begged, he gave me one right across the head and 
 knocked me through the window. I sashed right 
 through. I took panes as I went out ; I went right 
 by the way of Glasgow. I asked the old man if 
 he didn't have a full hand. He said "Why, so?" 
 I said, "It beat me." 
 
 Speaking of love. There is an object lesson 
 shown in making love. Very few know the true art 
 of making love. The way a young man should 
 make love to his girl is like this : He should drop 
 down on his knees before her and say : 
 
 "My Josafine, my Kerosine, my Gasoline, my Benzine, my 
 Vaseline, I come from above my station without hesitation 
 or preservation to ask you to become my relation so as to in- 
 crease the population in this great nation." 
 
 CONUNDRUMS. 
 
 Did you ever hear the story about the dirty 
 window. 
 
 No. What is it? 
 
 No use to tell it; you couldn't see through it. 
 
 What is the best thing to tell a woman ? 
 
 Nothing. 
 
 It's all over the house. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 33 
 
 What? 
 
 The roof. 
 
 What is the best way to make a slow horse fast? 
 
 Tie him to a post. 
 
 Johnson got arrested for stealing a pig. 
 
 How did they know he stole it? 
 
 The pig squealed on him. 
 
 That sticks you. 
 
 What? 
 
 Pin. 
 
 That lets you out. 
 
 What? 
 
 The door. 
 
 I was invited to a party. I remember they played 
 several games, one they call, " Heavy, heavy hangs 
 over your head." Some one hung a baseball bat 
 over my head. They played a game called pins and 
 needles. There is a game you can get stuck at every 
 time. You can get lots of pointers. They played 
 a game called "Kissen." 
 
 Did you ever play that game? To kiss a young 
 lady it costs you fifty cents. To kiss a married lady 
 it costs twenty-five cents. Old maids three for ten. 
 Then we played that game called Christmas. That 
 is where everybody hangs up their stockings. The 
 first stocking belonged to a young lady from Boston. 
 She got in her stockings two lead pencils, and, 
 strange to say, they just fit. The next was a 
 young lady from Cincinnati. She got in her stock- 
 ings a bushel of potatoes. Strange to say, it just 
 fit. The next was a young lady from St. Louis. 
 She got in her stockings a barrel of flour, and, 
 strange to say, it just fit. The next one belonged 
 
34 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 to a Little Rock girl. She got in her stockings a 
 ton of coal, and strange to say, it just fit. Next 
 came me. I didn't know they were going to play 
 that game. I didn't have on any stockings, so 
 I hung up my pants. I must have got a man in 
 them, for I had to go home in a barrel, and I think 
 they just fit, for I haven't seen them since. 
 
 Everybody had to recite a piece of poetry. The 
 first one started off something like this: 
 
 " Tis sweet to see a bumble-bee 
 When ere you go a fishing, 
 But if you sit right down on him, 
 He will change your disposition." 
 
 And the next one: 
 
 "The rose is red, the violet's blue, 
 "Where you see three balls you will see a Jew." 
 
 The next took a young lady for a subject and said : 
 
 "Young lady enters car, 
 Ten men stands up, and thar you are." 
 
 The next one took an old maid for a subject: 
 
 "Old maid enters car, 
 Nary man stands up, and thar you are." 
 
 It came my turn next. I said: 
 
 "Whenever I marry it will not be for love or riches, 
 But I'll marry a girl that is six feet tall so she can wear the 
 breeches." 
 
 I met the Little family while I was down there. 
 There is Mr. Little and Mrs. Little, and they have 
 five children. Mr. Little only gets four dollars a 
 week, and I asked him how he managed to keep 
 such a large family on such a small salary, and 
 he said every Little helped. 
 
 I had an old friend living in Little Rock by the 
 name of Burnside. They said he lived over on the 
 North side. ,1 went over to the North side to see 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 35 
 
 Burnside. When I got over to the North side they 
 said Burnside had moved to the Southside. When 
 I got to the South side they said he had gone to the 
 West side. When I got to the West side they said he 
 had gone over to the East side. I went over to the 
 East side, they told me he had gone back to the 
 North side. I went to where he did reside and 
 knocked on the outside. They opened the door on 
 the inside, I inquired for Burnside. They said he 
 he had died. Then I cried. That's about all I 
 know about Burnside. 
 
 Me and your brother and another fellow were 
 choosing the other day what kind of wife we would 
 like to have in case we got married. Your brother 
 said when he got married he wanted a wife that was 
 like a Bible. 
 
 Why did he want a wife like a Bible? 
 
 Because she would be seldom looked at. 
 
 The other fellow said he wanted a wife that was 
 like a piano. 
 
 Why did he want a wife like a piano? 
 
 Because she would be upright and grand. 
 
 I said when I got married I wanted a wife that 
 was like an almanac. 
 
 Why did you want a wife like an almanac? 
 
 Because I could get a new one every year. 
 
 How is your brother, the one we used to call 
 Sponge? The reason we called him Sponge, he 
 used to be all the time soaked. 
 
 How is your brother, the one that steals? 
 
 I want you to understand, sir, that my brother 
 don't steal. 
 
 Yes he does steal, and I can prove it. 
 
36 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 Well, then, prove it. 
 
 The other night me and your brother was invited 
 down to the festival. We were awful hungry; your 
 brother was so hungry he couldn't wait ; at exactly 
 sixty minutes past seven he eight a clock. All the 
 nice silverware was spread out on the table. Your 
 brother stole a spoon and put it in his boot. They 
 kept watching so I couldn't get any ; determined not 
 
 AT THE CIRCUS 
 
 to be outdone by your brother, I picked up a spoon, 
 held it up in my hands and said, " Ladies and gentle- 
 men, I will show you a trick.' ' I put the spoon in 
 my inside pocket and said, " Now you will find it over 
 there in that nigger's boot." They caught your 
 brother and took the spoon away from him. 
 
 There was a circus in town while I was there. I 
 took my girl and went out to see it. All the boys 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 37 
 
 and girls were there. I saw one fellow take his girl 
 up to a lemonade stand and buy one glass of red 
 lemonade. He drank half of it, passed it over to 
 his girl she drank the other half. I saw another 
 fellow and his girl. He bought one dish of ice 
 cream and got two spoons. When we came to the 
 elephant my girl asked me what that big thing 
 was hanging down in front. I said, "That is his 
 trunk." She said, " It is a wonder he wouldn't open 
 it and put on a clean shirt." She said, "If that 
 big thing in front is his trunk, that little thing be- 
 hind (meaning his tail), must be his valise." There 
 was a lady and a little boy right next to me. When 
 they got to the cage where the baboon was the little 
 boy said, "Oh, mamma, look at papa." When I 
 came out a messenger boy came up to me and said 
 he was looking for L. E. Fant. I told him there were 
 several L. E. Fants in the tent. 
 
 When the circus got ready to leave town the rail- 
 road company refused to take the elephants because 
 they could not get their trunks checked. 
 
 I was standing on the street corner. There was 
 a funeral procession going by. It was an awful long 
 procession. There must have been at least fifty car- 
 riages in line. There was a couple of railroad men 
 standing along side of me. One was a brakeman the 
 other an engineer. The brakeman said to the en- 
 gineer, " Who is dead? It must be some prominent 
 person." The engineer said, "No, it is just a rail- 
 road man." He said, " It must be an official then." 
 The engineer said, "No, it is just one of our engi- 
 neers." The brakeman said, " Well, if he ever looks 
 back and sees all that string behind him he will 
 double into the cemetery." 
 
38 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 I met an old friend of mine I hadn't seen for a 
 good many years. We used to be boys together. It 
 was indeed a pleasure to talk of old times. When 
 we used to go out in the fields and see the grasshop- 
 pers making grass, and see the butterflies making 
 butter, see the caterpillars making cats and watch 
 the bumble bees making bums. He said, " Don't 
 you remember when you used to come by the old vil- 
 lage blacksmith shop and see me there shooing flies?" 
 I said, " Yes, don't you remember when we used to 
 go out and make mud pies and you used to eat 'em?" 
 I remember when we went to school the boys used 
 to call you big head. You came in the house one 
 day crying and told the teacher the boys had been 
 calling you big head. She said, "I wouldn't mind 
 that, Willie, there is nothing in it." 
 
 My friend looked as though he had seen better 
 days. He looked as though liquor had gotten the 
 best of him. I asked him in to have a drink with 
 me. We ordered our drinks. He poured his out 
 and held it up in his hand and said : 
 
 "This is what makes me wear old clothes, 
 Lie, beg and steal; 
 Get out in the street and much a meal ; 
 Dig down in my pocket and spend my last dime, 
 And wear my summer clothes in the winter time." 
 
 After we had talked over old times for a few min- 
 utes he said, " Well, have one with me." We called 
 for another drink ; he threw a dollar on the bar and 
 said: 
 
 " Bright silver dollar, gleaming there all alone, 
 All your boon companions have been spent and gone. 
 The most useful money ever issued, that is true; 
 All the rest has gone for liquor, so I will just spend you." 
 
 Me and my friend walked out and were strolling 
 leisurely along the street when the fire bell rang. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 39 
 
 People ran pell-mell from all directions. The fire 
 engine came tearing down the street. Only a short 
 distance away we saw a large building all in flames. 
 We rushed to the spot. I heard a scream ; I looked 
 up and saw standing in a window a young girl wring- 
 ing her hands and begging to be saved. Every 
 avenue of escape was gone. I was horrified. I fell 
 back dumbfounded and stared ; my friend he stared ; 
 that made a pair of stairers; the girl walked down 
 the stairs and went home. 
 
 When I left Little Rock my next stop was Hot 
 Springs. We made pretty good time on that road. 
 The waiter came in and hollered, " First and last 
 call for dinner in the dining car! The first car in 
 the rear. The only car. All those wishing to shake 
 hands with the knife and fork will please walk 
 back!" I proceeded to the dinner. There was a 
 fellow sitting at the table with me. It was very 
 evident from the way he acted he hadn't been ac- 
 customed to eating in a dining car. I looked over 
 the bill of fare. The waiter asked me what I would 
 have. I said, ' ' Immaterial. ' ' He said he would take 
 the same. A fellow sitting at the next table ordered 
 turkey. ^When the waiter brought it in he was 
 carrying it on a tray filled with dishes. The train 
 struck a sharp curve. He slipped and fell and broke 
 all the dishes. The colored waiter was lying on the 
 floor. The conductor said, " Look here, sir, you have 
 created an international disturbance. This is the 
 downfall of Africa, the spilling of Greece, the over- 
 throw of Turkey and the breaking up of China." 
 The waiter began to cry. He said it was the first 
 time he ever had a tray full beat. 
 
 The waiter brought me a steak. It was so tough 
 
40 On A Sloiv Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 I couldn't stick my fork in the gravy. I held it up 
 and said: 
 
 "Old ox, old ox! How came you here? 
 You have plowed the fields for many a year. 
 You have been kicked and cuffed with great abuse, 
 And now brought here for the railroad's use." 
 
 There was a gambler on the train. He was a 
 full-fledged gambler. He wanted to bet with every- 
 body. He wanted to bet with me. He said, " I will 
 
 BIG WRECK 
 
 bet you this train gets in late." I told him no, I 
 wouldn't bet. He said, " I bet you it gets in ahead 
 of time." I said, " No ! " Then he said, " I bet you it 
 don't get in at all." We ran a little way further and 
 had a big wreck. The car we were in was smashed 
 all to pieces. I went up in the air about fifty feet. 
 When I was coming down I met the gambler going 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 41 
 
 up with his valise in his hand. When he passed me 
 he said, " I bet you five dollars I go higher than you 
 did." 
 
 I had heard a great deal about Hot Springs before 
 I got there. Most everybody has heard of Hot 
 Springs. That is a great place to go and get cured 
 of rheumatism. Most everybody that comes to Hot 
 vSprings is a cripple in some way or the other, I 
 never saw so many crippled people in my life. 
 Twisted arms and legs. I met a cross-eyed man. 
 He looked crooked. I imagined I was in Cripple 
 Creek. At the hotel I stopped at they told me they 
 hadn't bought any wood for ten years. The crip- 
 ples that had come there and been cured had left 
 crutches enough to keep them in wood. 
 
 I was sick while I was there. I couldn't eat any- 
 thing. After I had gone to every house in town they 
 wouldn't let me eat. A particular friend of mine 
 came to me and advised me to leave town. He was 
 the chief of police. I felt so bad I went to see a 
 doctor. He said, " Do you want to be treated? " I 
 said, ' ' Yes. That is, if you have it here in the office. ' ' 
 He said, "You don't understand me. I will ex- 
 amine you thoroughly for twenty dollars." I said, 
 "All right, go ahead, but if you find it I want ten of 
 it." After he had examined me he said, " You want 
 to get glasses and wear them." I went down to a 
 place where they use glasses. I'd taken three, I 
 believe it was, when I'd started out. A fellow said, 
 V Have another one with me." I did and felt better, 
 too. The next day I felt sick again. Went to see 
 another doctor. He asked me what I had been 
 eating. I told him, "Nothing, only some honey." 
 
 He said, "You have got the hives/' 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 43 
 
 He would have been a good doctor but he didn't 
 have the patients. He told me that I would have to 
 take something. He said, " Go take something right 
 away." I went down the street. I saw a drunken 
 man. I took his watch. That was about all he had 
 with him. They had me arrested. When they 
 caught me the watch was still going. I went to see 
 a lawyer. He got the case; I got the works. 
 
 Hot Springs is a very warm place. You hear 
 everybody talk about coming there to get boiled out. 
 There is nothing under a hundred in the shade that 
 would interest a man there at all. The word zero is 
 unknown. It is so hot there in the summer time 
 the hens lay hard boiled eggs. I had a dream down 
 there. Dreamt I died, then the heat woke me up. 
 There are some peculiar things about the climate 
 there. You can't raise water melons. The vines 
 grow so fast it wears the little ones off on the 
 ground. I went out with a fellow to plant cucum- 
 bers. The first thing I knew I was all tangled up in 
 the vines. Ran my hand in my pocket to get a knife 
 to cut the vines and pulled out a cucumber a foot 
 long. 
 
 I was arrested for carrying concealed weapons. 
 They took me before the judge and searched me. All 
 they found was a yeast cake. They fined me ten 
 dollars. I said, " Judge, that isn't concealed wea- 
 pons." He said, "It's a kind of a raiser." I said 
 11 Give me the yeast cake and I will go out and see if 
 I can raise the dough." 
 
 I couldn't make the raise, so I wrote home for 
 money. I said: 
 
44 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaiv 
 
 Dear Father: 
 
 Roses are red, violets are blue, 
 
 Send me ten dollars and I will owe you. 
 
 The answer came something like this: 
 
 Roses are red, roses are pink, 
 
 Inclosed you will find ten dollars, I don't think. 
 
 They brought in a colored fellow for cutting 
 another colored man. The judge said, "What did 
 you cut that man for ? " He said, " I tell you, judge, 
 he had been sayin' some things 'bout me; when I 
 axed him 'bout it he said he was a hot coon from 
 Cynthy, but when I slit him up de back wif my 
 rahzar I don't think he was so warm." The judge 
 said, "A little louder." He said, "Yo heerd me." 
 The judge said, "Six months." He said, "What's 
 that?" The judge said, "You heard me." 
 
 They next brought in a tramp. He had been ar- 
 rested for sleeping in a coal house. The judge asked 
 him if he didn't find that a pretty hard bed. He 
 said no, it was soft coal. The judge said, " What is 
 your business?" He said he was a rough rider. 
 The judge said, "Where did you ever do any rough 
 riding? " He said on the Missouri & Pacific railroad. 
 The judge asked him if he ever worked. He said 
 once. "What did you do?" He said he "layed 
 over a s!:y light to keep the sun out." "Who are 
 you?" "My father was a hero, my mother was a 
 shero, and I am a hobo." The judge said, "I sen- 
 tenced you to jail for thirty days for setting fire to a 
 rock quarry." He said, " I refuse to go. Bring the 
 jail to me." 
 
 I received a letter from a cousin of mine in Klon- 
 dike. It read something like this: 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 45 
 
 Klondike, Septuber, 
 The 17th. Soktober, No Vonder, 
 
 My Dear Cousin: 
 
 I take my pen in hand to let you know that we 
 don't live where we did, but we live where we have 
 moved. Your uncle, whom you love so well, is dead. 
 Hoping this will find you just the same. When he 
 died he left you $15,000. We will send it to you 
 just as quick as we can find it. He also willed you 
 $50,000 you are to get when Dawson City dies. 
 They don't know the cause of his death, only that 
 all of his breath leaked out. The doctor gave up 
 all hopes of saving him when he died. Your aunt 
 is also dead. When she died she left $50,000 sewed 
 up in her bustle. What a lot of money to leave 
 behind. We have all got the mumps, we are having 
 a swell time. I sent you your black overcoat, and to 
 save the express charges I cut off the buttons. 
 You will find them in the inside pocket. Mother 
 is making sausages. All the neighbors are looking 
 for their dogs. Father is not in the pocket-book busi- 
 ness any more. He has gone into the stocking busi- 
 ness. They say there is more money in stockings these 
 days than pocket books. Your girl, whom you 
 thought was dead and in Heaven, is alive and in 
 Hell-ene, Montana. Her father said if you don't 
 send him that forty cents you owe him he will 
 scratch your nails out with his eyes. The Damn 
 family is still living at the same old place. Old 
 man Damn is sick. The old lady Damn is also 
 sick. The whole Damn family is sick. As I have 
 nothing more to write I will close my face. 
 
 P. S. If you don't get this let me know and I will 
 write again. 
 
4 6 
 
 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 A coon that has lost his home, in other words, 
 his meal ticket. He goes up and knocks on his 
 girl's door. 
 
 She says, "Who's dar?" 
 
 "It's me honey." 
 
 "Who's me?" 
 
 " It's yo' Charlie. Com open de door, hun. M 
 
 "What do yo' want?" 
 
 ^A^44^ 
 
 A COON THAT HAS LOST HIS HOME 
 
 " I just want to tell yo' how much I luv's yo\" 
 " Yo' had better tell it through de door den, fo' 
 I'se done got a good job cooking fo' de white folks. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 47 
 
 I gets three dollars a week. I ain't gwine to 'low 
 yo' to com between me and my work." 
 
 "Say, honey, let me in. It's cold out here, and 
 it's snowin'." 
 
 " Yo' knowed it was cold befo' yo' went out dar. 
 I tole yo' 'way long last summer when yo' was layin' 
 round here dat winter was comin' on." 
 
 "Say, honey, if yo' will just let me in I will git a 
 job and I'll work all de time." 
 
 "Niggah, I'se done tole yo' I wasn't gwine to let 
 yo' sip'rate me from my work." 
 
 "Just stick yo' head over de transom den, and let 
 me tell yo' how much I luv's yo'." 
 
 " I ain't gwine to stick my head out at no transom, 
 for I knows yo' is fixin' to bounce a rock on it." 
 
 "I tell yo' it is cold out here, and I wants in." 
 
 " If it is too cold out dar yo' had better make some 
 'rangements wif de wedder." 
 
 "Look here now, I'se gittin' mad. If yo' don't 
 open dat door I'se gwine to kick it down." 
 
 Another nigger on the inside says, "Say, Liza, 
 gimme my hat. I'se gwine to go." 
 
 "What yo' want to go for? It ain't nobody but 
 Charlie, and yo' is twice as big as him." 
 
 " Yes, but Charlie carries de diffunce 'round in his 
 pocket." 
 
 " Yo' better not jump out of dat window, niggah. 
 Dar's a bull dog in dat back yard." 
 
 "I doan' care if dar's a yard full of bull dogs." 
 
 "Why doan' yo' go out de front way? Dar's no- 
 body out dar but Charlie, and he's only one." 
 
 " Yo' ain't counted Charlie lately." 
 
 " Go on out de front way. Charlie ain't gwine to 
 bodder yo\" 
 
48 On A Slow Train Through Arhansaiv 
 
 " If I go out de front way de'll be walkin' slow be- 
 hind me tomorrow. " 
 
 " Look here, if yo' doan open this door I'll kick it 
 down, and I'll bust de nose off yo' face." 
 
 " I bet if yo' do, yo* will run ever' time yo' sees a 
 nose, and yo' will run so fas' yo' ankles '11 git so hot 
 dey will burn yo' legs up." 
 
 I was walking up the street. I heard a little 
 bird singing. I said to myself, "That little bird is 
 singing for me." A fellow behind me said it was 
 singing for him. I said, " No, it is singing for me." 
 He hit me and I hit him. A policeman arrested us ; 
 took us up before the judge. He asked me what 
 I had to say. I said I was walking up the street and 
 I heard a little bird singing. I said it was singing 
 for me. He said it was singing for him. He hit me 
 and I hit him. The judge said, "Ten dollars each. 
 It wasn't singing for either one of you. It was 
 singing for me." 
 
 I just had five dollars left ; went in a restaurant ; 
 bought a five dollar meal ticket; came out on the 
 sidewalk ; was counting up how many meals I could 
 eat when the fire bell rang. A big fellow ran against 
 me; knocked my meal ticket down on the side- 
 walk and stepped on it. He had nails in his boots 
 and punched out four dollars and eighty cents. 
 
 I was walking up the street. Saw a basket of 
 eggs setting in front of a store. I never wanted an 
 egg so bad in my life. I picked up an egg and started 
 up the street. The man that owned the egg saw me, 
 and was coming right behind me. Didn't want him 
 to catch me with the egg, so I put it in my mouth, 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansdw 46 
 
 He walked up and slapped me on the back. Well, 
 I'll be darned if I didn't swallow the egg. I was in 
 an awful fix. I was afraid to move around for fear 
 the egg would break. I was afraid to stand still for 
 fear it would hatch. 
 
 I went to church. Just as they arose to sing the 
 closing hymn somebody hollered fire. In the ex- 
 citement I jumped out of a window and was ar- 
 rested for making a dive out of a church. 
 
 A gambler went into a pawn shop to borrow 
 some money. He was well acquainted with the Jew 
 that ran the place. He told the Jew he would like to 
 borrow fifty dollars for a few days and would give 
 him his note. He let him have the money. When 
 the note became due the gambler went in and told 
 him that he had been playing in some hard luck and 
 didn't have the money at present, but would have it 
 in a few days and would come around and pay him. 
 The Jew said, "Veil, I haf your note, I vant my 
 money." The fellow said, " I haven't got it. I can't 
 pay you until I get it." The Jew said, "Veil, but I 
 haf your note. I vant my money. Here vas your 
 note." The fellow got mad, pulled out a pistol 
 pointed it at the Jew's head, and said, " You eat that 
 note or I will kill you." The Jew ate the note. In 
 a few days the gambler got the money; came 
 around and paid him. The Jew said, "You vas 
 a good fellow, you vas all right. Whenever you vant 
 any more money come to me." In a few days the 
 fellow wanted to borrow some more money. He 
 came to the Jew; told him he would like to give 
 his note for fifty dollars for a few days. He said, 
 all right. He started to write it out. The Jew said, 
 
50 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 "Mine friend, vait a minute. Vould you just as 
 soon write it on a ginger snap?" 
 
 I saw a fellow hit a Jew and knock him down. 
 The Jew got up and said, " Do it again.' ' The fellow 
 knocked him down again. The Jew got up and said 
 
 HE SAID 'HIT ME AGAIN" 
 
 *Do it again." The fellow knocked him down 
 again. A policeman came up and arrested them. 
 He said to the Jew, " What did you want that fellow 
 to keep knocking you down for?" The Jew said, 
 "Because every time he hit me I saw a diamond/' 
 
 I saw many comical things among the colored 
 people in Hot Springs. I was strolling through the 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 5 1 
 
 suburbs of the town one day and I heard an old col- 
 ored woman say, " Look here, 'Liza, you better come 
 away from that straw stack you will git de hay 
 fever. Cum in de house and scum dem lasses, yo' 
 
 A WAY DOWN SOUTH 
 
 better not spill any either. If yo' does I'll stomp 
 yo' in de ground 
 
 " Look heah, you George Washington, what I done 
 already tole you 'bout being round heah Sunday 
 mawnin' bar futed? Chile, yo' know don't who yo' 
 is named aftah. Yo' Authur cum heah and quit yp' 
 
52 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 playing wid dem poor white trash. Dey lick de 
 'lasses off your hand den call yo' nigger." 
 
 There was a young colored fellow coming down 
 the street. He had just got a new watch. He saw 
 another colored fellow he knew coming. He wanted 
 the other fellow to know he had a new watch. The 
 other fellow said to him, "Whar is yo' gwine?" 
 " Whar is I gwine? I'se gwine just whar I'se gwine, 
 dat whar I'se gwine. Ef yo' wants a watch, go buy 
 yo'se'f a watch and doan' cum foolin' wid a gentle- 
 man on de street." "Look hare. Yo' better hush 
 up and quit yo' foolin' and go on. De fust ting yo' 
 knows I'se gwine to cut yo' to de fat." 
 
 I overheard a conversation between two old col- 
 ored ladies that met on the street going in opposite 
 directions. Neither one stopped. They said : ' * Good 
 evenin', Mrs. Jones." "Good evening Mrs. Brown." 
 " How's all yo' folks?" "All our folks is well 'cept 
 Sam and Sam he's got de lumbago." " De lumbago? 
 De good God. Che-he-he-ha-ha-hah. Yo' all cum 
 down sometime." "We will, thank yo'. Yo' all 
 cum down too. ' ' ' ' Bough-hu-wah-hah-ge he he he. " 
 
 Down there the colored people have a new way of 
 learning their children at school. They just say, 
 ' ! Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-a. Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de- 
 b. Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-c. Ta-rar-rar-da-boom- 
 de-d." 
 
 I met a colored man there from Chicago. He said 
 he didn't like it down south. He said the people 
 there let you know you are colored. He said in 
 Chicago you don't know you are colored unless you 
 look in the glass. 
 
 I was sitting in front of a hotel when an old man 
 drove up and asked the landlord if he wanted to buy 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 53 
 
 some fresh country butter. He said, " Wait a min- 
 ute and I will ask my wife." He went to the tele- 
 phone and asked his wife if she wanted to buy some 
 butter. When he came back the old man said, " I 
 know I look pretty green, but if you think you can 
 make me believe your wife is in that little box you 
 are badly mistaken/' 
 
 I saw a tramp go up to a house and knock on the 
 door. When the lady opened the door the tramp 
 asked her if she would give him something to eat. 
 She brought out some dry bread and told him that 
 was all she had and would give it to him for God's 
 sake. He asked her if she wouldn't V Put some but- 
 ter on it for Christ's sake." 
 
 I stopped at a place where they were raising a sub- 
 scription for the purpose of fencing in a cemetery. 
 Every one had donated very liberally except one 
 fellow. He was opposed to fencing it in for two rea- 
 sons. He said, " In the first place there was no one 
 in the graveyard that could get out ; in the second 
 place there was no one out that wanted to get in." 
 
 There was a stuttering man running a blacksmith 
 shop. Another stuttering man went into the shop 
 who wanted to learn the blacksmith trade. The 
 blacksmith heated a horse shoe red hot He told 
 the other stuttering fellow to hit it. He said, " Wha- 
 wha-wha-wha-wha-when- nau - nau - nau - nau - now ? ' ' 
 The blacksmith said, " Nau-nau-nau-nau-nau-not- 
 now. It-it-it-is-is-is-co-co-co -cold. ' ' 
 
 Dr. Brown went out in the country. He fell in a 
 well and was drowned. They got him out and 
 brought him back to town. The people didn't show 
 him a bit of sympathy. They said he ought to have 
 been attending to the sick, and let the well alone, 
 
54 On A Slow Train Through Arkansatv 
 
 While I was down there a fellow accused me of 
 stealing his shirt and pawningit. "Yes," hesaid, "you 
 stole my shirt arid pawned it." I said, " No, I didn't 
 steal your shirt and pawn it, and I can prove it." 
 He said, "Well, then prove it." I unbuttoned my 
 vest and showed him his shirt, and I proved to him I 
 hadn't pawned it. 
 
 It is remarkable how many shirts you can get out 
 of one yard, providing you get in the right yard. 
 
 " I was down by your house today." 
 "Why didn't you come in?" 
 " I would, only I didn't know where you lived." 
 " I met you on the street today." 
 "Why didn't you speak to me?" 
 "I would, but I didn't know you." 
 "Who was that lady I saw you with?" 
 "That wasn't a lady, that was my wife." 
 "I never see you any more, where do you keep 
 yourself?" 
 
 "Up at the butcher shop." 
 
 "There ain't no fun at the butcher shop." 
 
 "They are all the time cutting up." 
 
 "How is your wife?" 
 
 "She's in good spirits." 
 
 "She is?" 
 
 "Yes, she's dead." 
 
 " I thought you just said she was in good spirits? " 
 
 "She is. She's preserved in alcohol." 
 
 "How is your wife?" 
 
 " She is sick lying at death's door. I went to see 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 55 
 
 a doctor; he said he thought he could pull her 
 through." 
 
 " Have you any children ?" 
 
 "Five." 
 
 "All living?" 
 
 "Three are." 
 
 "Where are the other two?" 
 
 "They are in Omaha." 
 
 " Have you any children? " 
 
 "One cute little boy, and he looks just like me." 
 
 " Well, I wouldn't let that worry me, if I was you. 
 The boy can't help it. Probably he will grow over 
 it." 
 
 " Do you remember that little dog of mine? He 
 is dead." 
 
 "I suppose he died the same old way, swallowed 
 a tape line and died by inches?" 
 
 " Oh, no. He went up the alley and died by the 
 yard." 
 
 " There has been a remarkable thing happened up 
 in our neighborhood. A little baby gained fifteen 
 pounds in three weeks." 
 
 "That isn't anything remarkable. Up in our 
 neighborhood a baby gained seventy-five pounds 
 in three weeks." 
 
 "That was remarkable." 
 
 "What did they feed that baby on?" 
 
 "Elephant's milk." 
 
 "Who did the baby belong to?" 
 
 "The elephant." 
 
 "Do you know that in San Francisco there is a 
 doctor that raises babies in an incubator ? Isn't that 
 a wonderful invention? Just think of it, raising 
 babies in an incubator." 
 
56 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 "Yes, just think of it. How would you like to 
 have to say your mother was an oil stove?" 
 
 "Speaking of inventions, some of the large cities 
 of the east have adopted a new method of sweeping 
 the streets. They use ladies' corsets. They say 
 that they gather in the waste better." 
 
 " 1 see by the papers that there has been a corset 
 trust formed. That's a trust you can't bust. It 
 has come to stay and it will squeeze the people." 
 
 Speaking of trusts. There is the beef trust; they 
 say it's a bully thing but we should steer clear of it. 
 They have raised the price of meat until it's getting 
 so a working man can't eat meat ; the nearest he can 
 come to eating meat is oxtail soup and beef tongue ; 
 that is the only way he can make both ends meet. 
 
 The working man will have to economize. He 
 should let his wife do the cooking, then he won't eat 
 half so much. 
 
 Just the other day my wife went downtown and 
 paid twenty dollars for an embroidered handker- 
 chief. I told her that twenty dollars was too much 
 to blow in. 
 
 "I saw a terrible thing happen as I was coming 
 down the street today. A trolley wire came down 
 and fell across a horse's neck and killed him in- 
 stantly." 
 
 "That's nothing. I was coming down the street 
 the other day, seven trolley wires came down and 
 fell across my neck and didn't kill me." 
 
 "Didn't you know that rubber was a non-con- 
 ductor?" 
 
 "I suppose you have traveled a good deal?" 
 
 "Yes all over the world. I crossed the dead sea 
 before it died," 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 57 
 
 'Have you ever been to Turkey?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "How did you like Turkey?" 
 
 "Stuffed with oysters." 
 
 " Have you ever been to China?" 
 
 "Yes, I just went over to Peek-in." 
 
 "Tell me something of China." 
 
 " Do you know that in China they take all the little 
 baby girls out in the middle of the river in a boat and 
 throw them overboard and let the lobsters get them? 
 It is different in this country. They wait till they 
 grow up. Then the lobsters get them." 
 
 I have a brother that looks just like me. We look 
 so much alike you can't tell one from the other. He 
 had a job down town working in a big store. He 
 started in at the bottom of the ladder. He worked 
 himself up round by round. When he reached the 
 top of the ladder they gave him the windows to 
 wash. He didn't like that job, so he quit. He 
 started out to hunt another job. He went to a place 
 and asked a man for a job. The man said, " I want 
 to see how much you know. I will just ask you three 
 questions. If you answer them I will give you a job. 
 The first question is, how many corners has the moon 
 got?" He couldn't answer that one. Then he 
 said, "How many stars are there?" He couldn't 
 answer that. Then he said, "What am I thinking 
 about ? ' ' He didn't know that one either. Then he 
 said, "I will give you until 10 o'clock tomorrow to 
 study on those questions. If you come back then 
 and answer them, I will give you the job. " He said, 
 " All right." He came home and told me about it. 
 I said, " I have got an idea. We look so much alike 
 he can't tell us apart. I will go down there and an- 
 
58 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 swer the questions. He will think it's you, and I 
 will get the job. He said, " All right.' ' Next day 
 I went down. He said, " Have you come to answer 
 the questions ? " I said, ' ' Yes. ' ' He said, 1 ' The first 
 question is, how many corners has the moon got?" 
 I said, " Six." I knew he didn't know, so he had to 
 take my word for it. He said, " How many stars are 
 there?" I said, "Four hundred and seventy-five 
 million, six hundred and eighty-three thousand, 
 seven hundred and sixty-five. If you don't believe 
 me, go out and count them yourself." Of course he 
 didn't want to do that. He said, "This is the last 
 one. I guess I have got you now. What am I 
 thinking about? " I said, " You think you are talk- 
 ing to my brother, but you ain't." I got the job. 
 My brother looks so much like me I put my money 
 in his pocket. 
 
 While walking along the street today I saw what 
 I call a disgusting sight; it was a woman that had 
 fallen so low as to come upon the public thorough- 
 fare wearing a motherhubbard with the four corners 
 blowing to the wind. Just think of a woman having 
 no more pride and self respect for herself than to 
 come upon the street wearing a motherhubbard. I 
 never struck a woman in my life but if I should ever 
 catch my wife on the street wearing a motherhub- 
 K bard, I think I would walk up to her and give her a 
 belt. 
 
 Women are very peculiar. You never can under- 
 stand them. Not long ago I went home. My wife 
 was gone and the door was locked. I went down 
 through the coal hole and up through the cellar, got 
 a ladder and crawled through the transom, found a 
 note on the table from my wife saying I would find 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 59 
 
 the key under the mat on the front door step. 
 My wife is a lovely cook. I have eaten several of 
 her dishes, such as cold shoulder and hot tongue. 
 She can't stand flattery though. I called her honey. 
 The next day she thought she had the hives. 
 
 WEARING A MOTHER-HTTBBARD ON THE STREET 
 
 The other day I was out in the alley and found a 
 twenty dollar gold piece. I came home and told my 
 wife about it. Now she is suing me for a divorce 
 and alley-money. 
 
 You take a woman and she will go around town all 
 day. She comes home in time to get the supper. 
 She has a lot of samples to show you. You take a 
 
60 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 man when he has been around town all day, he comes 
 home in the evening, just look at the samples he will 
 bring. That is about the only time his wife wants 
 to kiss him. She wants to see what kind of samples 
 he has been getting. 
 
 Women go to the theaters night after night just to 
 see what the other women wear. It is different 
 with the men. They go there just to see what they 
 don't wear. 
 
 I think women would make better soldiers than 
 men. They are more used to powder. One woman 
 told me she just used a little bit to keep away the 
 chaps. I think it is just to draw them on. 
 
 You take the women, they are always talking 
 about the men. 
 
 If you see two or three women talking on the 
 street corner they are talking about the men. 
 I went to church last Sunday. All the young la- 
 dies in the choir sang, "Only for a mansion in the 
 sky." That shun in the sky was all a bluff. All 
 they wanted was the man. When they got through 
 all the old maids said, " A-man." 
 
 When a girl laughs she always says "He-he-he." 
 You never saw a man laugh and say, " She-she-she." 
 
 Speaking of women. Boys let me give you a little 
 advice, never marry a harness-maker's daughter 
 for you never know how sadly will be your fate until 
 you have been led to the halter. If you try to hold 
 a tight rein on her something may come upon the 
 spur of the moment and you would get bit. She 
 may be a little sulky, her bed may be a little buggy, 
 and she may have a wagen tongue. She may not 
 be well spoken of. Other fellows may spring up 
 and you would soon tire of that. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 61 
 
 Whenever I go down town in the evening I al- 
 ways make it a point to get home at a reasonable 
 hour so as not to keep my wife up late. The last 
 evening I was down town I took home an awful big 
 load. I think it was the biggest load I ever carried 
 and I have carried some pretty big loads. When I 
 got home my wife met me at the door and said, 
 "What time is it?" I said, "Just eleven o'clock." 
 Just then the old clock struck two. She said, " You 
 have lied to me. You told me it was eleven o'clock 
 and the old family clock has contradicted you. It 
 has struck two and proved to me that you have lied. 
 Ain't you ashamed of yourself? To come home this 
 time of the night drunk and lie to your poor wife like 
 this? Yes, sir, you have lied to me. The old clock 
 has proven to me that you have lied." I couldn't 
 stand it any longer. I commenced to cry. I said, 
 "I'm not crying because you have scolded me. It is 
 not because I have come home drunk. It is not be- 
 cause my conscience hurts me. We have been mar- 
 ried nigh on to fifteen years. I have always been a 
 good, kind and loving husband, and to think after 
 all I have done for you, you believe an old three dol- 
 lar clock before you would your husband." 
 
 We have got a boy. His name is Harry. He don't 
 mind very well. The other day his mother started to 
 whip him. He ran out in the yard and crawled un- 
 der the house. She went out and tried to coax him 
 to come out. She told me about it. I went out and 
 crawled under the house to get him to come out. 
 He looked at me and said, "What's the matter, 
 papa, is mamma after you too?" 
 
 My wife sent our boy down to the butcher shop 
 to see if the butcher had pig's feet, He came home 
 
62 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 and told his mother he couldn't tell, as the butcher 
 had on his shoes. 
 
 I went down to the butcher shop, called for ten 
 cents' worth of dog meat. The butcher looked at 
 me and said, " Shall I wrap it up, or do you want to 
 eat it here?" 
 
 "What was all that old scrap iron I saw you 
 wearing the other day?" 
 
 " That was the medals I got for being in the war." 
 
 " This government don't give medals for running." 
 
 " I fought all through the war." 
 
 1 ' I was shot in the head over twenty years ago. It 
 was only yesterday I was seized with a severe spell 
 of coughirfg and coughed up the bullet." 
 
 "You say you were shot in the head over twenty 
 years ago and coughed up the bullet yesterday?" 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 "That goes to show me how long it takes any- 
 thing to go through your head." 
 
 "It is the first time I ever heard of your cough- 
 ing up anything." 
 
 " I was all through the war. I was at the battle of 
 Santiago. I was first sturgeon." 
 
 "You mean first sergeant." 
 
 " I was one of the brave soldiers. I was what they 
 call a picket soldier. I was doing picketing. I 
 picked so many chickens I was afraid to go to bed at 
 night. I was afraid I would lay there. While I 
 was fighting at the battle of Santiago fifteen balls 
 pierced my manly bosom." 
 
 "And didn't kill you?" 
 
 "No," 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 63 
 
 "How was that ?" 
 
 "They were codfish balls. One ball went right 
 through me and killed another man. They had me 
 arrested for murder. They said it was through me 
 the other man got killed. I was where the bullets 
 were the thickest. They were just rolling all over 
 me. There was a hole in the bottom of the ammu- 
 nition wagon." 
 
 "Supposing you had seen the enemy coming to- 
 wards you, would you have formed a line?" 
 
 "Yes, I would have drawn a line, a bee line for 
 home." 
 
 "In France the soldiers all wear armor for protec- 
 tion to save their lives. In this country Armour 
 killed all of our soldiers." 
 
 "What is you business?" 
 
 "I am a Life Saver." 
 
 " I would like you to tell me of a case where you 
 ever saved any lives." 
 
 "Only a short time ago I was strolling along the 
 beach at Boston, picking up a few shells." 
 
 " Did you pick up the right one?" 
 
 "I saw coming toward me three people. They 
 had their hands in their pockets." 
 
 "They were onto you." 
 
 " Presently I looked out into the Bay, just as I did 
 I saw a boat capsize. I saw the people struggling 
 in the water. I swam out and rescued them one by 
 one. When I had brought the last one, a lady, safely 
 to shore, I looked out in the Bay and saw floating 
 on top of the water what looked to me to be a lady's 
 head. I swam out to it, and to my surprise it was a 
 lady's switch. I brought it to shore and handed it 
 to the lady, She thanked me." 
 
64 On A Slow Train Through Arkansau) 
 
 "So you say you are a life saver. I would call 
 you a hair restorer.' ' 
 
 " Do you remember old Deacon Jones? He is still 
 living. Do you remember his son Abe? He was a 
 good-for-nothing sort of fellow. Abe gave the old 
 man a great deal of trouble. The deacon got terrible 
 
 THE PREACHERS 
 
 mad at Abe one day and told him to leave the house 
 and never come back. Yes, he told him to go to the 
 real place. He said, ' Go down there and never come 
 back. 1 Abe went away. They never heard any- 
 thing more from him until one night last winter. 
 The deacon had invited all the preachers in the sur- 
 rounding country to the house. It was a bitter cold 
 night. All the preachers were sitting around the 
 stove when they heard a knock at the door. The 
 deacon got up and went tc the door and there stood 
 poor Abe, cold and shivering. The deacon said, 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 65 
 
 'Where have you been?' He said, 'Where you 
 told me, down there/ 'How did you find things 
 down there?' ' Just like they are here at home, so 
 many preachers there I couldn't get to the fire/ 
 
 CONUNDRUMS. 
 
 Did you ever hear the story about the mountain ? 
 No, I never did. It's all bluff. 
 
 Did you ever hear the story about the cliff? It's 
 just bluff. 
 
 How is the best way to keep friends ? Treat them 
 kindly? No, often. 
 
 How is the best way to find a man out. Go to his 
 house when he ain't at home. 
 
 Why is a kiss over a telephone like a straw hat? 
 Because it isn't felt. 
 
 If you were hungry where would you go to get 
 something to eat? To the Sandwich Islands. 
 
 If the ice wagon weigfis two thousand pounds, 
 what does the man on the hind end of the wagon 
 weigh? He weighs ice. 
 
 Suppose you were out in the middle of theriver 
 in a boat, you had a box of cigars and you wanted to 
 smoke, you didn't have any matches, what would you 
 do for a light? I would take a cigar out of the box, 
 that would make the box a cigar lighter. 
 
 Do you know that the United States has a lot of 
 relations? England is the mother, George Wash- 
 ington is the father, New Jersey is an Aunt, Carry 
 Nation is another relation to this great nation. 
 
 Scotland grows the thistle, 
 
 England grows the rose, 
 Ireland grows the shamrock, 
 
 And the Sheney grows the nose. 
 
66 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 I am in a good business now ; I am in the chicken 
 business. At first I fed my chickens on cornmeal 
 and sawdust. They done fine, in fact they done so 
 well I cut out the cornmeal altogether and just fed 
 them on sawdust. Then they didn't do so well ; one 
 hen laid a knot-hole ; another laid a two-inch board ; 
 I thought they were going to lay out a whole set of 
 furniture. Every time I tried to eat any of the eggs 
 I would get my mouth full of splinters. 
 
 My brother he is very lucky. He was going down 
 the street and fell in a coal hole. He sued the city 
 for ten thousand dollars, and got it. I was going 
 down the street; I fell in a coal hole; got arrested 
 for stealing coal. 
 
 " Did you ever go to school? " 
 "Yes." 
 
 "I use to go to High School. The one upon the 
 hill." 
 
 "What branches did you study?" 
 " Most all of them. Hickory, ash and walnut." 
 "What class was you in?" 
 
 "I was in the B class. The reason they put me 
 in the B class was because I had the hives." 
 
 " I will see how you are on spelling. Spell ' Blind 
 
 Pig."' 
 
 "B-1-i-n-d p-g." 
 
 "Why did you leave the T out?" 
 
 "Because the pig was blind and didn't have any 
 eye." 
 
 "How are you on singing?" 
 
 "I used to sing in the queer." 
 
 "You mean the quire." 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 67 
 
 "I sang so queer they didn't 'quire me any 
 longer." 
 
 " Did you ever go out to Denver Colar and Elbow ? 
 That's a great place to go and get cured of con- 
 sumption. I know a lady that went out there. She 
 only had one lung. She stayed six months and 
 came home with two." 
 
 " That's nothing. I know a Dutchman that went 
 out there and he only had one lung. He stayed six 
 months; came home with three." 
 
 "How was that?" 
 
 "He got married out there and brought his wife 
 back. She had two lungs and he had one. That 
 made three." 
 
 "I suppose you have heard of the Rocky Moun- 
 tains?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "I painted them." 
 
 "I heard Pike's Peak about that." 
 
 " I have got a good job now/' 
 
 "What are you doing?" 
 
 "I am draughtsman in a bank." 
 
 "What do you have to do?" 
 
 "Open and shut the windows." 
 
 "My father used to run a bank. I was dealer." 
 
 " I have got a good job. I am doing short hand in 
 a livery stable. Am taking down hay for the 
 horses." 
 
 "Do you know that all great men are some kind 
 of a bug? You take President Roosevelt. He is a 
 big gold bug. You take Bryan, he is a big silver 
 bug. Hobson, he is a kissing bug. Dewey is a 
 lightning bug, and you are a humbug." 
 
 " I suppose you would call yourself a big bed bug." 
 
68 On A Stow Train Through ArkansaW 
 
 "I got into trouble the other day. I got Jimmy 
 Jinks to plead my case/' 
 
 " Jimmy Jinks ain't old enough to plead a case. 
 He is only sixteen years old." 
 
 "I know he is twenty-one.' ' 
 
 ! I say he is only sixteen, for I was up to his house 
 and looked in the old family Bible and saw written 
 in black ink where he was sixteen, and you can't 
 scratch that out." 
 
 * I know he has had the seven-year itch three dif- 
 ferent times and you can't scratch that out." 
 
 I used to know a girl her name was May. May 
 was a lovely girl. I took her to the theater one 
 night. And after the show we went into the res- 
 taurant to get something to eat. May she ordered 
 two birds. After supper we ordered something to 
 drink, she wanted me to give her a toast. I said, 
 11 I am just as happy as two birds in May." 
 
 I took her for a ride in an automobile. We had 
 only gone about three blocks when we ran into a 
 telegraph pole. We went up in the air about fifty 
 feet. We came down so fast we both changed our 
 nationality coming down. I came down a Russian. 
 She fell across a telegraph wire and came down a 
 pole. When she fell it didn't hurt her a bit. She 
 was full of safety pins. 
 
 I was down to her house one evening; we were 
 sitting in the parlor. She called me her little shin- 
 ing lamp. We said a few words, then she turned me 
 down. Her father came in; he wanted to put me 
 out. Her brother wanted to trim me. Just to 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 69 
 
 show them I was game, I went out smoking. Then 
 they said I was wicked. 
 
 Her father came right behind me. I ran up the 
 alley. The old man was right after me. I couldn't 
 see him, but I could feel his foot. I ran until I came 
 to a high board fence. I made up my mind I 
 
 HOW WE BOTH CAME DOWN 
 
 wouldn't run any further. I would turn around and 
 fight him. I put up my dukes. I was looking for 
 an opening ; that is, in the fence. He put his fist in 
 my eye. When he took it away my eye was black. 
 I told him he couldn't do that to the other eye. Well, 
 when I got out of the hospital I -was sorry I said it. 
 It was in St. Louis I started for the depot to catch 
 
70 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 a train. I looked at my watch and saw that I had 
 just time to get there. I jumped in a cab, told the 
 driver to take me to the depot. After he had gone 
 for some distance I looked out and saw he was going 
 by. I hollered and told him to stop. He stuttered, 
 
 THE OLD MAN RAN ME UP THE ALLEY 
 
 and before he could say " whoa," he was four blocks 
 by. When I got back to the depot I was ten min- 
 utes late. My train had gone. I sat down to wait 
 for the next one. I saw a Jew rush up to the ticket 
 agent and say, "Gimme a ticket to Springfield." 
 The ticket agent said, "What Springfield? Spring- 
 field, Illinois, or Springfield Missouri ?" The Jew 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 71 
 
 said, " Vitch is the sheapest?" An old man sitting 
 alongside of me said, "Are you acquainted here in 
 St. Louis?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you 
 know a man living here by the name of Smith?" I 
 said, "No, I never knew anybody by that name." 
 He said he used to know a man down in Georgia, up 
 nigh the Virginia line by the name of Smith. He 
 moved somewhere around here. There was an 
 Englishman sitting close to us. The old man asked 
 him if he lived in St. Louis. He said no, he lived in 
 London. The old man said, "London, London, 
 let's see, what part of Georgia is that in?" An old 
 lady rushed up to the depot master and said, "I 
 want to catch the 10 o'clock train." He said, " You 
 can't catch it. It has just pulled out." She said, 
 " It is too bad. There she goes." The depot master 
 said, the idea of her saying, 'there she goes.'" I 
 said, " She is perfectly right. She should say, ' there 
 she goes.'" He said, "Yes, but that was a mail 
 train." 
 
 I was riding on a street car, smoking a strong 
 cigar. A lady sitting alongside of me said, "Will 
 you please put out the cigar?" I put it out. I had 
 on a new shoe that was hurting my foot. I pulled 
 it off and began rubbing my foot. The lady said, 
 "Will you light the cigar?" 
 
 I was riding on a street car one time between Min- 
 neapolis and St. Paul. The car was crowded. There 
 was a lady standing in front of me with a pair of 
 skates hanging over her shoulder. I offered her my 
 
72 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 seat. She said she didn't care to sit down as she had 
 been skating all day. 
 
 " Do you know, that you look like Barnum's mon- 
 key ?" 
 
 " Look here, sir, I can stand to be called most any- 
 thing, but when you come to say I look like Bar- 
 num's monkey you will have to apologize. Yes, sir ; 
 you will have to apologize.' ' 
 
 " All right, I will apologize. " 
 
 "When?" 
 
 " Just as soon as I see the monkey." 
 
 " What do you take me for, a fool? " 
 
 " No, I never judge a man by his looks." 
 
 " Look here, sir, I want you to quit ridiculing and 
 making fun of me. I picked you up out of the gut- 
 ter and have tried to make a man out of you. I've 
 done everything I could to help you along. I have 
 even put up with your looks in order to make some- 
 thing out of you. I have went so far as to give up 
 my beer and free lunch routes in order to look after 
 you; and now, after all I have done for you, I un- 
 derstand that you said I wasn't fit to live with the 
 hogs. What have you to say for yourself?" 
 
 "I didn't say you wasn't fit to live with the hogs. 
 I didn't say that at all. I stuck up for you. I said 
 you was fit to live with the hogs." 
 
 While traveling through the state of Missouri a 
 few years ago, I stopped at a place where the old sol- 
 diers were holding a reunion. There was a crippled 
 soldier in the crowd. He was pretty badly crippled. 
 
74 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 Some grape shot had hit him in the face and knocked 
 all of one side of it off. He had lost one leg and 
 both arms. He had a hook on one arm and a basket 
 hung on it. He was passing it around among the 
 soldiers and they were donating very liberally. When 
 anyone would drop anything in the basket he would 
 say, "Thank you, comrade, thank you." He came 
 to where a fellow was reading a paper. The fellow 
 just ran his hand in his pocket, pulled out five 
 dollars and dropped it in the basket. He said, 
 " Thank you, comrade, take out your change.' ' He 
 said, "Keep it." He said, "What regiment do you 
 belong to ? " He said, "None." "Why are you so 
 liberal then?" He said, " Because you are the first 
 Yankee I ever saw that was trimmed up just to suit 
 me, and when I see one I am willing to pay for it." 
 
 Do you know that England outdoes every other 
 country. She has many things to boast of. 
 
 What have you in England that we haven't got in 
 this country? 
 
 We have got Lords. 
 
 What is that? 
 
 They are men that don't work. 
 
 We have got lots of them in this country. We 
 don't call them lords, though. 
 
 What do you call them? 
 
 Tramps. 
 
 We have got policemen in England that stand six 
 feet high in their stocking feet. 
 
 That is nothing. We have policemen in this 
 country that stand six feet high and never had a 
 sock on. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 75 
 
 In England we have got great trees that grow one 
 hundred feet high. There are deer that run through 
 them with horns ten feet across. 
 
 In this country we have got trees that grow three 
 hundred feet high and only two feet apart. There 
 are deers that run through these trees that have 
 horns twenty feet across. 
 
 How do they do it? 
 
 They wait until spring, then the trees leave. 
 
 In England we have parks that are so large that 
 it takes six weeks to go through them. 
 
 We have got, right here in Chicago, alleys that 
 the health officers never go through. 
 
 Speaking of remarkable things, Montana has 
 Great Falls. 
 
 I have got an uncle. He is an engineer on a 
 passenger train. He is an awful smart man. He 
 uses great judgment when anything happens and 
 always does the right thing. Not long ago while he 
 was running sixty miles an hour he looked out and 
 saw right ahead of the engine a little girl sitting 
 on the track. He knew he couldn't stop in time to 
 save her, so he took a big rope he had on the engine, 
 tied one end around the smoke stack, threw the 
 other end over a telegraph pole, jerked the train off 
 the track, saved the little girl's life, and killed fifty 
 Swedes. 
 
 My uncle had another thrilling experience not long 
 ago. He has got long gray whiskers. While he was 
 running seventy miles an hour he saw a little baby 
 
76 On A Slow Tram Through Arkansaw 
 
 sitting on the track just ahead of the engine. He 
 knew he couldn't stop in time, so he rushed out on 
 the front end of the engine. He crawled down on 
 the end of the cow catcher ; he held on with one hand ; 
 then he made a grab for the little baby, and what 
 do you suppose happened? The wind blew through 
 his whiskers. 
 
 A THRILLING ADVENTURE 
 
 You talk about fast riding. I have had some great 
 experience in that line. I remember one time I was 
 seated in the smoking room of the sleeper when the 
 question was asked how fast are we running. There 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 77 
 
 was a difference in opinions of the speed. One fel- 
 low said he thought the train was making sixty 
 miles an hour. He said it was the fastest he had 
 ever rode. Another fellow said he had rode a great 
 deal faster. He said that he had a girl living at a 
 little town on the line. He was to pass through 
 there on a certain date and wrote his girl to be at 
 the depot to meet him. He was on the train of that 
 date, but it was a fast train and didn't stop at his 
 girl's town. Just before he got there he went out on 
 the platform, got down on the bottom step so he could 
 kiss his girl as he went by. Just as he did the train 
 whistled. He saw his girl standing on the platform. 
 He swung out and tried to kiss her as he went by. 
 The train was running so fast that instead of kissing 
 his girl he kissed a cow five miles away. 
 
 Another fellow spoke up and said that wasn't as 
 fast as he had rode. He said he rode so fast that 
 he couldn't see the towns as he went through. We 
 said, "Was that because you were going so fast?" 
 He said, " No, it was because he was locked up in a 
 box car." I said, "You have told about your fast 
 trains, I will tell you about a long train I rode on. 
 Tt was so long the engine passed the depot on time. 
 It was running fifty miles an hour ; when the caboose 
 went by it was an hour and a half late." 
 
 CONUNDRUMS. 
 
 Did you ever hear the story about the bed? No, 
 I never did. That's where you lie. 
 
 When is a horse not a horse? When he is -turned 
 into a pasture. 
 
78 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 What is a pig doing when he is eating? He is 
 making a hog of himself. 
 
 Why do people in Kansas build their pig pens in 
 the north side of the yard? To keep the pigs in, of 
 course. 
 
 Why does a dentist put his teeth in a show case? 
 So the people can see the teeth. No, it is so they 
 can pick their teeth. 
 
 I know a man that shaves twenty times a day. 
 Who is it? The barber. 
 
 They are laying for you. Who? The hens. 
 
 I went out in the yard to get something. Picked 
 it up, looked for it, and couldn't find it ; came in the 
 house, put my foot down, picked it up again, looked 
 for it and found it. What was it ? It was a splinter. 
 
 Looks like a cat, walks like a cat, eats like a cat, 
 and it ain't a cat. What is it? It's a kitten. 
 
 What is a kiss? Nothing divided by two. 
 
 Kiss an old maid once she screams with delight, 
 Kiss her twice she will stay up all night, 
 Kiss her three times she hollers for more, 
 She knows how it is, for she has been there before. 
 
 I ain't coming over to your house any more. 
 
 Why so? 
 
 I was coming over to your house yesterday to 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 79 
 
 borrow your cook stove, and your bull dog ran me 
 up an apple tree. 
 
 My bull dog won't bite. He is fond of children. 
 
 I know he is, for I missed two of mine. 
 
 He will eat from your hand. 
 
 Yes, and he will eat from your leg, too. 
 
 I saw him when he was after you. He was actual- 
 ly wagging his tail. 
 
 Yes, and he was barking at the same time. I 
 didn't know which end to believe. 
 
 Do you remember that horse you sold me? 
 
 Yes, and I told you he was a good horse, but he 
 didn't look good. 
 
 I hitched him up to the buggy the other day and 
 he ran into everything he came to. I got out and 
 looked at his eyes and saw he was blind. 
 
 Don't you remember, I told you he was a good 
 horse, but he didn't look good? 
 
 Do you remember that hen you sold me ? There is 
 something wrong with her. Every day we find her 
 egg broken on the ground. 
 
 That is easily accounted for. While the other 
 hens are at work that hen gets up on the roost and 
 lays off. 
 
 Do you know that your brother is crooked ? 
 
 How is that? 
 
 Me and your brother went in the cattle business. 
 We only had ten dollars apiece. 
 
 You couldn't buy many cattle with only ten dol- 
 lars apiece. 
 
 We only bought one cattle. We divided our busi- 
 ness. The head part was to be mine, the hind part 
 
80 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 was to be his. I had to feed my part. He milked 
 his part and wouldn't give me any of the milk. I got 
 even with him. I killed my part and his part died. 
 That's why I say he's crooked. 
 
 That's a nice suit of clothes you've got on. Where 
 did you get it? 
 
 My tailor in New York made it. That's a nice 
 siut you've got on. Where did you get it? 
 
 Carrie Nation made it. 
 
 Carrie Nation isn't a tailor. 
 
 Yes she is, didn't she make all the saloon men 
 close? 
 
 My wife used to pick my clothes. 
 My wife used to pick my pants. 
 
 This morning I pumped for a half an hour and 
 couldn't get any water. Can you tell me what was 
 the matter? 
 
 The sucker was on the wrong end. 
 
 You ought to sleep good, you lie so easy. 
 
 How is your father? 
 
 He is dead. 
 
 How did he die, for want of breath? 
 
 He died a lying. 
 
 He kept up the same old business. 
 
 He knew within thirty minutes of the time of his 
 death. 
 
 Who told him, the sheriff? I remember your 
 father and some more men went out west to buy up 
 horses. The other men came back. Your father's 
 a hanging around out there somewhere yet. 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 81 
 
 My father was a lightning calculator. He could 
 figure up any sum in his head. He didn't have to 
 use a pencil and paper to figure up anything. All 
 he had to do was to scratch his head and he had it. 
 
 Didn't they ever get away? 
 
 My father was a very peculiar man. He wouldn't 
 eat fish. In fact he couldn't stand the smell of fish. 
 We couldn't have fish in the house where he was at 
 all. One morning he came down stairs and said to 
 mother, " I thought I told you not to cook any more 
 fish." She said, " I am not cooking fish." He said, 
 M I know you are, for I smell fish." She said, " That 
 isn't fish you smell, it's the perch in the bird cage." 
 
 Father had been reading a great deal in the papers 
 about Carrie Nation breaking up joints out west. 
 He thought he would go out and help her. He got 
 an ax and started down the street with it on his 
 shoulder. He slipped and fell and broke his leg right 
 next to one of the lowest joints in town. The ax 
 flew off the handle the same time father did. It went 
 up in the air and came down and stuck in the top 
 of his head. He was laying there on the sidewalk. 
 The people all gathered up around him. Some said 
 it was suicide ; some said it was an accident ; I said 
 it was the first time anything like that had ever en- 
 tered father's head. My father was a great wrestler. 
 He could throw most anybody down. He threw 
 his whole family down and everybody he owed. The 
 last wrestle he took was with a milk wagon. He 
 grabbed at the wagon and fell in the spring. He 
 went to see a doctor. The doctor told him if he 
 
&2 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 hadn't of fell in the spring the fall would have killed 
 him. 
 
 There was a terrible accident down at the railroad 
 the other day. 
 
 What was it? 
 
 A fellow was lying on the railroad track; a train 
 came along and cut all of his left side off. They 
 took him to the hospital and he got fixed up. Now 
 he is all right. 
 
 I was standing in the hotel office the other day 
 when a man rushed up to the proprietor and said, 
 ' ' I'll bet you ten dollars the next President is a repub- 
 lican." He wouldn't bet. The fellow rushed up to 
 the clerk and wanted to bet him that the next Presi- 
 dent would be a democrat. He wanted to bet me 
 that the next President would be a populist. I 
 wouldn't bet either. 
 
 Did he get taken up ? 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Who by? 
 
 The elevator boy. 
 
 A friend of mine got part of his hand cut off the 
 other day. He has a good job now. He is doing 
 shorthand. 
 
 Suppose you were out in a boat with your wife 
 and mother, and the boat should strike a snag and 
 sink. Who would you save, your wife or mother? 
 
 In that case I would save my mother. 
 
 That is right. The world is full of women. You 
 could easily get another wife, but where, oh where, 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 83 
 
 under the great canopy of heaven, could you ever 
 get another good, kind and loving mother? 
 
 Suppose you were out in a boat with your wife 
 and mother-in-law and the boat should strike a snag 
 and sink. Who would you save? Your wife or 
 mother-in-law? 
 
 I would save the snag. The world is r full of 
 women. You could easily get another wife and 
 mother-in-law, but where, oh, where under the great 
 tin can of New Hampshire, could you get another 
 good, kind and loving snag? 
 
 Not very long ago I was out boat riding. There 
 were seventeen people in the boat. The boat cap- 
 sized. We were all struggling in the water. I took 
 out a bar of soap and washed ashore. 
 
 People are getting very strong nowadays. I saw 
 two men go out in a boat and pull up the river. 
 
 Are you married? 
 
 Yes, I have been married three times. Next July 
 I am going to celebrate the Fourth. My last wife 
 has got black eyes. I give them to her fresh every 
 morning. I see your wife wears bloomers. 
 
 She has got a perfect right. 
 
 How about her left? 
 
 By the way, who were those two young ladies I 
 saw you on the street with? 
 
 Oh, did you see me? 
 
 I should say I did. You are a sly old fox. By 
 the way, do they paint? 
 
 One of them does; the other one gives music 
 lessons. 
 
84 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 Did you hear about the big fire? 
 
 What was it? 
 
 A rubber store burned. My brother was working 
 in it. He was in the tenth story when he discovered 
 it was on fire. My brother has great presence of 
 mind to act on the spur of the moment. He put on 
 a pair of rubber boots and another pair and another 
 pair until he had on twenty pairs. Then he went 
 to the front window and jumped out. When he 
 struck the ground he bounced up as high as the 
 building and came down and bounced up again. He 
 bounced up and down for twenty-four hours. We 
 had to get a gun and shoot the poor fellow to keep 
 him from starving to death. 
 
 That's nothing. My brother was working up in 
 the soap factory. He was up in the fifteenth story 
 when he discovered it was on fire. My brother, he 
 has great presence of mind to act quickly on the 
 spur of the moment. Just think of it. My brother 
 -up in the fifteenth story of the building with it all 
 on fire. What do you suppose he did? 
 
 What did he do? 
 
 He just picked up a bar of soap and came down 
 the lather. 
 
 I took a trip out west to the Pacific Coast. I went 
 out by the way of that big Mormon town. The one 
 they call Salt Lake City. That is a fine place to live 
 in. You can have just as many girls there as you 
 want to, and they don't get jealous. I would rather 
 be a lamp post in Salt Lake City than to be the 
 Mayor of Oklahoma City. If I had a ticket for 
 
On A Slow Train Through- Arkansaw 
 
 85 
 
 Salt Lake City and one for Heaven I think I would 
 go to Salt Lake. 
 
 While on my trip I met a young lady on the train. 
 She said she was from down in Knebrasky; said 
 she was going out nigh Seattle. She said her uncle 
 had writ her to come out. I told her that was a 
 
 IN SALT LAKE CITY 
 
 pretty nice country out here. She said that was 
 what she 'lowed; said she took the bed car one 
 night. She says, "We are running a pretty good 
 hick'ry now, you can't hardly count the trees.' ' About 
 that time the conductor came through and said, 
 "Let down your windows, we are coming to a tun- 
 nel." She wanted to know which side it was on? 
 
86 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 When we got to the tunnel she said, " What is the 
 rules out in this country? You take it back in Kne- 
 brasky when a girl is talking to a boy you had to 
 have a lamp burning or you was talked about. " I 
 said, "The rules is out here to blow it out." She 
 said, "You seem to understand the rules tolerably 
 well." I guess she thought I was going to talk love 
 to her. She said she was done already promised to 
 one man back in Knebrasky. 
 
 The next morning when I woke up I looked out 
 and said, " We are in Oregon." A fellow said, " How 
 do you know?" I said, "Because it's raining." I 
 looked to see if I had my umbrella with me. I knew 
 if they caught me in Oregon without an umbrella I 
 would be arrested. Speaking about umbrellas, that 
 is something everybody knows how to raise in 
 Oregon. 
 
 There was a fellow on the train from Tom Bean 
 County, Texas. He had never been shod, when- 
 ever he laughed he would shed Texas stears. He 
 said he came over that route by the way of Pieblo 
 and Pocotolo; said he had to change cars and lie 
 over night at Pieblo; said he didn't like the kind 
 of tavern rules they had in Pieblo. He said the 
 one he stopped at they made him write his name in 
 a big book, and there was some writing in the room 
 that said, "Don't blow out the gas" ; said he didn't 
 blow it out and they charged him two dollars for 
 letting it burn. 
 
 He said down whar he came from everybody car- 
 ried a pistol. He said his uncle came out to the 
 west on a emogrunt train in the early days and fit 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 87 
 
 FROM TEXAS. HE WAS THE LIMIT 
 HE WOULD QF DONE TO OF ROPE ON THE SLOW TRAIN 
 
88 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 the Indians at Tacoma. He said the people at Ta- 
 coma wanted his uncle to stay there and settle, he 
 said, after his uncle came back to Texas. They 
 liked him so well they rit him several letters asking 
 him to come back and settle. Said his pap had fit 
 all through the war. 
 
 I said, " The war is most all forgotten about now." 
 He said, "No, it wasn't forgotten about for his 
 pap had fit all through it." He said, "besides his 
 sister Samanthy had picked up with one of them 
 Yankee soldiers and married him and they moved 
 out here to a place called Spooken Falls. I don't 
 suppose you ever heard of that place before but it's 
 out here somewhere for Sister Samanthy writ a 
 letter and said it was in Washington up near the 
 Canadian line. He said he would like to know what 
 kind of a place it was. A gentleman sitting in the 
 next seat told him that Spokane was a good place to 
 go through after night, providing you don't stop 
 over ten minutes. 
 
 I used to think that all the funny things happened 
 in Arkansaw. But after seeing the man from Texas 
 I came to the conclusion that Arkansaw wasn't the 
 only pebble on the beach. For there is a round rock 
 in Texas. 
 
 The way they catch fish in the Columbia River, 
 mostly they club them to death. Men get two dol- 
 lars and a half a day for clubbing salmon. Some 
 places along the river they use what is called fish 
 wheels. They are big wheels that are turned by the 
 current of the water, but a great deal of the time the 
 wheels refuse to turn on account of the salmon 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 89 
 
 coming so thick that they block the wheels. I 
 thought that was a fish story, but they showed me. 
 There are many points of interest along that line. 
 I remember some of them. Multnomah Falls for 
 one. They are eight hundred and sixty feet high. 
 The train stopped right opposite the Falls so as to 
 
 THE WAY THEY CATCH FISH ON THE COLUMBIA 
 
 give all the passengers a chance to see them. While 
 we were stopped there gazing upon that marvelous 
 sight, the conductor was telling us all about them. 
 He said, " Do you all see that log running out from 
 the top of the falls V We could all see it. He said, 
 "Not very long ago, a young lady walked out on 
 
90 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 the end of that log; it broke off with her. She 
 fell to the bottom eight hundred and sixty feet be- 
 low.' ' An old lady said, "I suppose she was man- 
 gled?" The conductor said, "No, just a sprained 
 ankle was all." She said, "How was that?" He 
 said, "When she fell her dress just formed a para- 
 chute." 
 
 
 MULTNOMAH FALLS, 860 FEET HIGH 
 
 When the train started the conductor told the 
 young lady from Knebrasky that she would have to 
 change cars at Portland for Seattle. She said, "Is 
 that on the map?" The conductor got mad and 
 walked away, and wouldn't answer the question, 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 91 
 
 A gentleman sitting across the way that runs a 
 big brewery at Portland said, " Young lady, what 
 was it you wanted to know? " She said, " The con- 
 ductor told me that I would have to change cars at 
 Portland to go to Seattle. I would like to know 
 where that is." He said it was right next to his 
 brewery. 
 
 Then she cried I will Seattle, 
 As she arose Tacoma hair, 
 But her Butte was in Montana, 
 Beneath a Tombstone in Arizona. 
 Then she cried Walla Walla 
 I am going to the St. Louis fair, 
 But if I ware my New Jersey, 
 What will Delaware. 
 
 When the sun shines in Portland they always take 
 a photograph of it. When I was there the latest 
 picture of the sun was nine months old. I asked a 
 fellow in Portland what the people did when it 
 rained so much. He said they just let it rain. 
 
 I saw a lady with a cataract on her eye, a ripple 
 in her hair, a creek in her back, a spring in her dress 
 and a notion in her head. 
 
 While I was in Portland I met a friend of mine. 
 He invited me out to his house for dinner. He told 
 me he lived at 2^ Mud Street. 
 
 I asked him where that was. 
 
 He said it was 2.30 Clay after a heavy rain. 
 
 It rained so much while I was in Portland that 
 my money was wet. It was due in the morning and 
 missed in the evening. Yes, it does rain a great 
 deal in Portland, but with all the rain it is a beautiful 
 place. The sun is out of sight. 
 
 Mount Hood can be seen in the distance 
 reared in all her splendor, with her sky-piercing 
 
92 
 
 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 peak towering above the clouds capped with ever- 
 lasting snow, glittering and gleaming in all her 
 majestic grandeur, captivating and sublime. 
 
 While I was in Seattle a man- asked me how I 
 would like to go to Klondike and dig gold. I told 
 him I wouldn't mine. I thought I would go up there 
 and take the gold cure, only I was afraid the ice 
 
 PORTLAND, OREGON 
 
 would make funny cracks at me. I think all poor 
 people ought to go to Alaska. They can cut just 
 as much ice up there as anybody. They can walk 
 around with the seals. I went up there with a friend 
 of mine. He had been there before and located a 
 claim. He gave me half interest in it. We had lots 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 93 
 
 of money in our mind. I was in the mining business 
 in Alaska. I was mining my own business. Alaska 
 is the coldest place I ever saw. While I was there a 
 man set a bucket of boiling water outside to cool. 
 He left it for two minutes ; when he came back the 
 water was froze ; the ice was still warm. Whenever 
 a man goes to Alaska and makes any money he has 
 to come down to Seattle and get it thawed out. 
 While I was in Dawson City there was a man froze 
 to death. They decided they would cremate him. 
 They fired up the crematory. When it got red 
 hot they put him in the oven. After he had been 
 in there for several hours they supposed he had 
 been thoroughly cremated. They opened the door. 
 When they did they saw him sitting up in one cor- 
 ner of the oven with his coat on. He said, "Shut 
 that door. This is the first time I have been warm 
 since I have been in Alaska." 
 
 Me and my uncle left New York for Seattle. We 
 had three million dollars between us. That is, be- 
 tween us and Seattle. When we got to Seattle we 
 spent the three million the first night. Then we 
 woke up. 
 
 Seattle is a great place. It is different from any 
 place I ever saw. It gets so foggy there you can't 
 see attle. You can travel over there for miles and 
 miles without riding on a railroad train, street car 
 or hack. You can go from Seattle to Alaska by 
 sound. Seattle is a very pretty place. They say 
 it is a prettier place than Portland because it is 
 laid out nicer, but you wait till Portland has been 
 dead as long as Seattle and she'll be laid out just as 
 nice. Whenever the people in Seattle want to take 
 a trip to the country and have a nice quiet time, 
 
94 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 they go to Port Townsend. That is a good town to 
 sleep in. It is so quiet, no steam whistles or any 
 thing to bother you. 
 
 I went from Seattle to San Francisco by steamer. 
 It is a delightful trip going down. As I went down 
 everything seemed to be coming up. When you get 
 your ticket that includes a trip up and down between 
 Seattle and San Francisco ; you go up and down on the 
 same trip. I have always heard you couldn't get 
 full on water, but that is a mistake ; you can get just 
 as full on water as you can on land. The fellow that 
 was in the next cell to me I mean stateroom. I 
 was thinking about another trip I took one time. He 
 must have got terribly full from the way he coughed 
 up. If I had seen an island within five miles dis- 
 tance I think I would have jumped overboard and 
 took chances of swimming to it. The second day out 
 a young lady fell overboard. When she struck the 
 water a big shark came up and looked at her and 
 swam away and never bothered her. He was a man- 
 eating shark. After I landed at Frisco I lived on 
 sea-food for three days. I could see it through the 
 windows. I got so hungry I could have eaten the 
 cracker off a whip. The fourth day I was there I 
 stopped at the Palace Hotel. When the clerk 
 showed me my room I had a notion to eat the jam 
 off the door. The landlord insulted me the first day. 
 He accused me of eating the soap. He told me I 
 stole the soap out of the washroom and ate it. I 
 told him I didn't eat the soap. He said, " Yes you 
 did, for I can see the lye on your lips." I Went in 
 the caf6 and called for a drink. The bartender 
 asked me if I had any money. I told him that was 
 all right. When I poured out my drink the bar- 
 
On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 95 
 
 tender told me that I could buy whiskey cheaper 
 than the proprietor. 
 
 I went down to Frisco just for a little change and 
 a rest. The street-cars got the change and the hotels 
 got the rest. 
 
 I took a walk through China-town. I saw a China- 
 man fall down and break his arm just above the 
 opium joint. They picked him up and carried him 
 into the house. When they set him down he fell over 
 against the stove and hit the pipe. 
 
 I was walking along Market street without a thing 
 on my mind only my hat. When one of the prom- 
 inent men of the town spoke to me, he advised me to 
 leave town for my health. He said it wouldn't be 
 healthy for me if I stayed. So I decided I would go 
 and in order to see the scenery to a good advantage 
 I thought I would walk. As San Francisco is almost 
 surrounded by water I had no choice of routes. I 
 naturally went south. 
 
 My first stop was San Jose, the garden spot of 
 California, ten girls to every boy. Every day there 
 is either ladies' day or bargain day. Boys, if you are 
 a little slow and can't catch a girl go to San Jose ; 
 if you don't catch one there you are certainly a dead 
 one. I took a stroll through the park, I laid down 
 on the grass beneath a beautiful palm to rest, I fell 
 asleep, I had a sweet dream, I dreamt I saw a beau- 
 tiful maiden coming towards me, I could feel her 
 soft hands upon me, I could feel her winding her 
 golden net around me, I thought she was going to 
 steal me. When I awoke the dog-catcher had me. 
 
 When I got to Los Angeles I got insulted. As 
 quick as I stepped out of my special car they filled 
 it with sheep. I stayed there two years one sum- 
 
96 On A Slow Train Through Arkansaw 
 
 mer ; yes, it was all one summer, no winter. Every 
 day a holiday, one continual round of pleasure. 
 Now, as I have reached the land of sunshine, the ideal 
 spot, I will get a stop-over and take a rest. 
 
 In a little cemetery in a far western state lies a 
 brakeman who was killed in a wreck. Before start- 
 ing out on his last run he asked for rest, the company 
 being short of men his request could not be granted. 
 It was on a Decoration Day that myself and a few 
 more railroad boys went to the cemetery to place a 
 few flowers on his grave. When we came to it I saw 
 upon his monument this inscription: " Don't bother 
 me, I have kicked for rest." 
 
 This world is but a game of cards, 
 
 Which each one must learn to play; 
 
 When hearts are trumps we play for love, 
 
 No sorrow mars our game. 
 
 When diamonds are trumps 'tis then we play for gold ; 
 
 Great fortunes are won and lost, we are told. 
 
 When clubs are trumps look out for war 
 
 On both land and sea. 
 
 When spades are trumps our little game is played, 
 
 For the spade is saved to dig the gambler's grave. 
 
 Fare thee well, me lovely Arkansaw, 
 
 I bid thee adieu, adieu; 
 I may emigrate to Hell-ena, Montana, 
 
 But I'll never come back to you. 
 
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