LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 
LIBRARY JOKES 
 AND JOTTINGS 
 
 A COLLECTION OF STORIES PARTLY WISE 
 BUT MOSTLY OTHERWISE 
 
 BY 
 
 HENRY T. COUTTS 
 
 BRANCH LIBRARIAN, ISLINGTON 
 PRESIDENT OF THE LIBRARY ASSISTANTS* ASSOCIATION 
 
 LONDON 
 
 GRAFTON & GO. 
 
 69 GREAT RUSSELL STREET 
 
 1914 
 

 
 11BRARY 
 
PREFACE 
 
 EVERY phase of life has its humorous 
 aspect, and in every calling, no matter 
 how prosaic, there occur from time to 
 time amusing incidents that serve to re- 
 lieve the monotony of " the daily round." 
 Librarianship provides a varied fund of 
 humour, and it is remarkable that hitherto 
 no attempt has been made to collect and 
 arrange this kind of humour in book form. 
 
 The Public Library opens out a very 
 wide field for the study of mankind ; its 
 frequenters are comprised of all sorts and 
 conditions of men, drawn from all classes 
 of society, from the " seeker of work " to 
 the prosperous merchant, and from the 
 " do-no-work " to the person of fashion. 
 
 Generally speaking, a Public Library 
 
6 '" 'LIBRARY jote AND JOTTINGS 
 
 presents an impressive aspect. Its educa- 
 tional and recreative functions, the style 
 of its architecture and furniture, its rules 
 framed according to the law of the Medes 
 and Persians to say nothing of the dignity 
 assumed by many of its janitors combine 
 to invest it with a covering of solemnity. 
 It is the object of the present work to lift 
 this covering, and so reveal what may be 
 termed the lighter and more human side 
 of librarianship. 
 
 Many of the anecdotes related in the 
 following pages are original, i.e. the 
 subjects have come under the personal ob- 
 servation of the writer or his colleagues 
 during the course of their professional 
 duties. Other stories have been gleaned 
 from various publications, among which 
 The Library Journal, The Library World, 
 and Spofford's Book for All Readers may 
 be mentioned specially. The writer is 
 
PREFACE 7 
 
 indebted to his colleagues, especially of 
 the Islington and Croydon Libraries, and 
 particularly to Mr J. D. Stewart, who 
 has permitted him to reprint the sketch, 
 " Reformed Library Signs." 
 
 Most of the sketches are founded on fact, 
 although there is a certain amount of chaff 
 mingled with the grain. Oliver Wendell 
 Holmes has stated that "the foolishest 
 book is a kind of leaky boat on the sea of 
 wisdom ; some of the wisdom will get in, 
 anyhow." How much wisdom has leaked 
 into this book is a question for the reader 
 to decide. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE, PHILOSOPHER, AND 
 
 FRIEND . . . . . . . 11 
 
 LIBRARY SKETCHES . . . . . 24 
 
 CRANKS AND CROTCHETS . . . 37 
 
 TWISTED TITLES ...... 55 
 
 HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE . . . 71 
 
 TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR BORROWERS . . 84 
 
 THE JUVENILE READER . . . . . 87 
 
 THE (S)NEWSROOM . . . . . 99 
 
 REFORMED LIBRARY SIGNS . . . 105 
 
 ADVERTISING UP-TO-DATE . . . .111 
 
 BOOKS AS FURNITURE . . . . .118 
 
 PERVERTED PROVERBS . . . . . 125 
 
 EXAMINATION ANSWERS AND QUERIES . . 127 
 
 SAMPLES FROM A LIBRARIAN'S CORRESPONDENCE 131 
 
 POT POURRI . 141 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE, 
 PHILOSOPHER, AND FRIEND 
 
 " Everything to all men " 
 
 THE " man in the street " who frequents 
 our library talks to his pals about our 
 "libarian." "He's a decent sort o' chap, 
 eddicated and all that, but e's got a easy 
 crib, mates, reg'lar wages and no worry." 
 Our experience proves the truth of the 
 statement regarding the regularity of 
 wages ; as to the rest of the sentence 
 well, ask your " libarian." 
 
 It is well known that everyone, excepting 
 oneself, has a " soft job," and the layman 
 assumes very naturally that librarianship 
 is a " bed of roses." The simile is not 
 inappropriate, for there is no bed of roses 
 without thorns, and the librarian certainly 
 
 11 
 
12 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 does experience many pricks. He is daily 
 plagued, teased, bothered and vexed by 
 the public whom it is his privilege and 
 joy to serve. 
 
 The librarian is a guide to the earnest 
 inquirer ; he acts as a sign-post to the 
 knowledge to be found in books. There 
 is a great deal of truth in the statement 
 that " the librarian should know everything 
 about something, and something about 
 everything." The clergyman is called upon 
 to minister to the spiritual needs of the 
 people, and to give advice in times of 
 trouble ; the physician is requisitioned in 
 times of physical sickness and infirmity ; 
 the lawyer is asked to adjust legal diffi- 
 culties ; but the librarian is consulted about 
 every subject under the sun. 
 
 For the consolation of readers who may 
 be priests, physicians or lawyers, it may 
 be stated that the librarian is not always 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE 13 
 
 able to supply the needs of his clients, 
 and in such cases invariably advises them 
 to seek the counsel of experts on the subjects 
 in question. 
 
 Nowadays the public library is regarded 
 as a general information bureau. Some time 
 ago there appeared in the Boston (U.S.A.) 
 Transcript the following humorous sketch 
 of a reference librarian's day, which 
 cleverly intermingles truth with satire : 
 
 " At times behind a desk he sits, 
 At times about the room he flits. 
 Folks interrupt his perfect ease 
 By asking questions such as these : 
 4 How tall was prehistoric man ? ' 
 ' How old, I pray, was Sister Ann ? ' 
 4 What should you do if cats have fits ? ' 
 4 What woman first invented mitts ? ' 
 4 Who said, " To Labour is to Pray " ? ' 
 4 How much did Daniel Lambert weigh ? ' 
 4 Should you spell it " wo " or " woe " ? ' 
 4 What is the fare to Kokomo ? ' 
 
14 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 ' Is Clark's name really, truly Champ ? ' 
 6 Can you lend me a postage-stamp ? ' 
 4 Have you the rimes of Edward Lear ? ' 
 ' What wages do they give you here ? ' 
 ' What dictionary is the best ? ' 
 6 Did Brummel wear a satin vest ? ' 
 ' How do you spell " anemic," please ? ' 
 ' What is a Gorgonzola cheese ? ' 
 4 Who ferried souls across the Styx ? ' 
 ' What is the square of 96 ? ' 
 6 Are oysters good to eat in March ? ' 
 6 Are green bananas full of starch ? ' 
 ' Where is that book I used to see ? ' 
 6 1 guess you don't remember me ? ' 
 ' Haf you der Hohenzollernspiel ? ' 
 ' Where shall I put this apple-peel ? ' 
 ' Ou est, m'sieu, la grande Larousse ? ' 
 ' Do you say " two- spot " or the " deuce " ? ' 
 6 Say, mister, where's the telephone ? ' 
 6 Now, which is right, to " lend " or 
 
 " loan " ? ' 
 
 * How do you use this catalogue ? ' 
 ' Oh, hear that noise ! Is that my dog ? ' 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE 15 
 
 ' Have you a book called " Shapes of 
 
 Fear " ? ' 
 ' You mind if I leave baby here ? ' 
 
 This description is not so exaggerated as 
 it may appear at first sight. Among many 
 posers that librarians have been asked to 
 solve are the following : 
 
 What is the number of domestic servants 
 employed in England, and what is the 
 average rate of wages ? 
 
 Did Wellington and Nelson ever meet ? 
 
 What was the origin of Malmsey wine ? 
 
 Which of the Caesars was defied ? 
 
 Can a clergyman marry himself ? 
 
 What are the good points of a Chow-chow? 
 
 Wanted a list of election meetings of 
 cabinet ministers or leaders where they 
 were questioned with regard to women's 
 suffrage. 
 
 What was the origin of the lines com- 
 mencing " Jack and Jill went up the hill ? " 
 
16 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 In what position was the wart on Crom- 
 well's face ? 
 
 Who was Sweeney Todd ? 
 
 What was the origin of the proverb, 
 " A bird in the hand is worth two in the 
 bush ? " 
 
 In what part of the British Isles are the 
 tallest and heaviest people born ? 
 
 Who was Don John of Austria's monkey ? 
 
 If a train is late at a certain place, 
 can it, according to Board of Trade regula- 
 tions, go at indefinite speed to make up its 
 time ? What regulations are there regarding 
 curves ? 
 
 Such questions asked in good faith, it is 
 a pleasure and an education to answer, 
 but it sometimes happens that the librarian 
 is used as a tool by the merely curious and 
 the competition-solving seeker. Should the 
 latter be fortunate enough to win a prize, 
 he, like the butler of Joseph's time, has a 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE 17 
 
 poor memory, and herein lies the humour 
 of the situation. 
 
 The librarian must ever be a philosopher ; 
 he must preserve a calm and unexcitable 
 state of mind in all circumstances. If one 
 reader wants the windows opened wide, 
 and another wants them shut, the wise 
 librarian will compromise by opening them 
 half-way. The disputants will not be satis- 
 fied, but that is only to be expected. 
 They must necessarily go outside to fight 
 it out, and into the open air to air their 
 views. This is not an attempt to pun; 
 it is wisdom born of philosophy. 
 
 A very difficult person to deal with is 
 the ratepayer with an exaggerated sense 
 of his own importance. The books that 
 he requires are out. Why cannot pre- 
 ferential treatment be meted out to him ? 
 It is a scandal that ordinary people should 
 be allowed to use the library. Is the 
 
18 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 librarian aware that he is a ratepayer ? 
 Or it may be that his favourite periodicals 
 are being read by other people just at 
 the time when he wants to read them. 
 He naturally assumes that these persons 
 are neither ratepayers nor genuine readers. 
 Is the librarian aware that he pays for 
 the upkeep of the library, including the 
 librarian's salary ? If the librarian is a 
 philosopher he will find consolation in the 
 knowledge that what that particular rate- 
 payer spends on the upkeep of the library, 
 including his salary, is a very few shillings 
 a year, and there are thousands of other 
 ratepayers who pay more and do not 
 complain. 
 
 Before donning his office coat, the lib- 
 rarian must doff all political and religious 
 prejudices. If he is a churchman he must 
 be as broad-minded as the " Vicar of 
 Bray." If he is a Unionist he must 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE 19 
 
 listen with patient toleration to a eulogy 
 of the Insurance Act by a Liberal reader 
 who is quite unbiassed because he happens 
 to be exempt. If he doesn't believe in 
 women's suffrage but enough has been 
 said. 
 
 Generally speaking, the librarian follows 
 the counsel given in Lord Chesterfield's 
 Letters that " advice is seldom welcome, 
 and those who want it the most always 
 like it the least," but there are times 
 when it is necessary for the librarian to 
 act as counsellor. On one occasion a man, 
 obviously intoxicated, caused a disturbance 
 in a reading-room and was escorted by the 
 librarian as far as the hall of the library. 
 The official was of a kindly nature, and a 
 member of the Church of England Tem- 
 perance Society, and so he took advantage 
 of the opportunity to give the offender 
 some good, straightforward advice. The 
 
20 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 man apparently listened very attentively, 
 and then drawled out : " That's all ri', 
 ole chap, come and 'ave a drink." The 
 librarian declined with thanks, and went 
 back to his desk to meditate on the ways 
 of men. 
 
 The librarian has many friends, and 
 into his sympathetic ears are poured stories 
 of the joys and sorrows of family life, 
 general difficulties, and embarrassments, 
 which are usually of a financial character. 
 
 " I'm at loggerheads with my neighbour," 
 one will say ; " it's all about some repairs 
 that are needed to the fence that divides 
 our gardens. I say that the fence is his 
 property and I ought to know, for my 
 grandfather was a caretaker at a lawyer's 
 chambers but he says it belongs to me. 
 Now the palings are on this side, and the 
 cross-bars are on that. To whom does 
 the fence belong ? " 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE 21 
 
 Another has a son who, in a foolish 
 moment, has enlisted in the army. The 
 inquirer is a widow, and the soldier is her 
 only son. She has great difficulty in 
 making ends meet. If her son were only 
 earning money at his former trade she 
 could get along nicely. She cannot afford 
 to buy him out. What would the librarian 
 advise ? 
 
 Necessity, it is said, is "the mother of 
 invention," and the caller who is embar- 
 rassed financially is undoubtedly her son. 
 He is generally only embarrassed tempor- 
 arily ; he has relatives in a town about 
 fifty or sixty miles away ; if he could only 
 obtain the loan of his train fare to that 
 place he would be all right. He has seen 
 better days ; could the librarian assist 
 him ? Sometimes by a coincidence (and 
 the aid of a directory) he has the same 
 surname as the librarian ; if it be an 
 
22 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 uncommon name, so much the better for 
 his little scheme. 
 
 Well may the librarian enter into the 
 spirit of the psalmist of old, and say: 
 " Then would I flee away and be at rest." 
 Some years ago it was reported that a certain 
 subscription library had been closed the 
 length of time was not stated in order that 
 the new librarian might have an opportunity 
 of " mastering " the library before issuing 
 books to readers. In commenting upon this, 
 The Library World remarked : " This must 
 make many a librarian's mouth water. How 
 can a librarian answer the usual expectations 
 of the public, and know the contents of all 
 his books, when he is being constantly in- 
 terrupted by people coming in and out, by 
 the necessity of supervision, by cataloguing, 
 and committee work, etc., etc. Oh, if he 
 could only shut the doors, and hang up a 
 notice to this effect: 
 
THE LIBRARIAN AS GUIDE 28 
 
 SLOCUM PUBLIC LIBRARY 
 
 CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE 
 (N.B. It may be for years, and it may be for ever) 
 
 Please go away quietly, so as not to disturb the 
 Librarian, who is reading 
 
 The duties of a librarian require the 
 exercise of much patience, forbearance, 
 and tact, and although his work is seldom 
 recognised adequately it has its compensa- 
 tions, particularly if he be endowed with a 
 sense of humour. 
 
 A book that was thought to have been 
 stolen from a South London library 
 twenty-two years previously was returned 
 anonymously a few years ago. Presumably 
 it was merely borrowed for a prolonged 
 period, and the borrower did not wish to 
 give the librarian the trouble of calculating 
 the fine incurred. After this, can it be 
 doubted that librarians are, as a body, 
 optimistic ? 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 
 
 " All sorts and conditions of men " 
 
 AMONG the many qualifications needed by 
 the public librarian is the psychological, 
 or as it may be termed more appropri- 
 ately " sighcological " instinct. Public 
 libraries are frequented by all kinds of 
 men and in this sense, of course, man 
 embraces woman each of whom has 
 distinct peculiarities. In the following 
 sketches a few types are illustrated, and 
 it will be seen that librarians have unique 
 opportunities of studying, as well as 
 assisting, the genus homo. 
 
 I. THE LENDING LIBRARY 
 ACT I. SCENE: A circulating library; 
 several persons are standing at the 
 counter^ waiting to be served. 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 25 
 
 Would-be borrower enters and elbows her 
 way to the front. 
 
 Would-be Borrower. I want a ticket to 
 take out books. 
 
 Assistant Librarian. You will have to 
 fill in an application form, madam. Are 
 you a ratepayer or householder personally ? 
 
 Would-be B. Oh yes. (Assistant hands 
 out a ratepayer's form.) My husband is a 
 ratepayer. 
 
 Assist. Lib. (Inwtirdly : Just what I 
 expected changes form for that of a non- 
 ratepayer). Then you must fill in your 
 name on the front of this form and get your 
 husband to sign his name on the back 
 of it. 
 
 Would-be B. But can't I do it now ? I 
 can sign my husband's name. 
 
 Impatient Borrower. Can you attend to 
 me, please ? I can't wait here all day. 
 
 Asst. Lib. One moment, please. (Ad- 
 
26 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 dressing Would-be B.) No, we must have 
 your husband's own signature. 
 
 Would-be B. How perfectly ridiculous. 
 
 [Assistant attends to Impatient Borrower. 
 
 Another B. I'm sure there is no fine on 
 this book ; I know I did not take it out 
 last Monday fortnight, for I always go on 
 that day to the meeting of the Society for 
 Alleviating Distress among Snow-clearers. 
 
 Yet another B. I want " Oliver Twist." 
 
 Asst.Lib. Oh, go to the shelf "Dickens." 
 (Nearly omits " shelf") 
 
 Another B. (continuing conversation). 
 Besides, I have to pay twopence in tram 
 fares every time I come to the library. 
 
 Would-be B. (after taking time to formulate 
 a crushing reply). Do you call this a free 
 library ? 
 
 Asst. Lib. No, madam, a public library. 
 
 Would-be B. (leaving application form on 
 the counter, turns to depart). I never heard of 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 27 
 
 such impertinence in all my life ; and my 
 husband a ratepayer. You'll hear more of 
 this the idea ! 
 
 [The same person returns next day in a 
 subdued frame of mind, and asks for 
 another form. 
 
 BETWEEN THE ACTS 
 
 A borrower is found to be using another 
 person's ticket. On being asked if he had 
 noticed it before, he replies, " Oh, yes, I 
 have always had it ; I thought that was 
 the name I had to go under while I 
 belonged to the library." 
 
 Young Lady. Will you give me the 
 book my sister wants ? 
 
 Librarian. What book is it ? 
 
 Young Lady. Oh, I've forgotten. But 
 she wants it very much. 
 
 Elderly Gentleman. Could you let me 
 have Henty's Redskin and Cowboy, or 
 Reed's Fifth Form at St Dominic's? 
 
28 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Librarian. I'm sorry those are out 
 perhaps your son would like this (holding 
 out a book), by Herbert Strang. 
 
 Elderly Gent, (who has a partiality for 
 boys' books, and doesn't like to admit it). 
 A-ah ! Ye-yes ! I think he would. 
 
 Miss Pretty (meeting a friend in the 
 library who has just selected a book bound 
 in a brightly-coloured cloth). Oh ! what a 
 pretty cover ; I'nT sure you will like that 
 book. 
 
 The Friend. Yes, I find if they have 
 nice covers they are always good. 
 
 Old Lady (who is very conservative and 
 has taken a fancy to a particular assistant, 
 speaking very loudly). Where's my nice 
 young man ? (Nice young man appears 
 looking painfully conscious of the smiles and 
 whispered remarks of colleagues and readers). 
 I want you to choose me a nice book a 
 very nice book you know the kind I like. 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 29 
 
 Nice young man after much trouble 
 supplies the old lady with a suitable book, 
 inwardly hoping that she may compensate 
 him for the banter he receives from his 
 colleagues by remembering him in her will. 
 
 (One year later : Old lady, who was rich 
 in this world's goods, dies, and leaves nice 
 young man nothing !) 
 
 ACT 2. SCENE : The same Library, 
 a little later. 
 
 Ambiguous Borrower enters and approaches 
 the librarian. 
 
 Ambiguous Borrower. I want a book, 
 please ; I know it's in your library. 
 
 Librarian. What is the name of the book ? 
 
 Ambiguous B. I don't remember the 
 name. It is quite a small book. 
 
 Lib. Do you know the name of the author ? 
 
 Ambiguous B. Let me think it began 
 with a W. 
 
30 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Lib. That's rather vague. Perhaps 
 you can tell me what the subject of the 
 book was ? 
 
 Ambiguous B. I don't know what subject 
 you'd call it, but I'm sure you must know 
 the book ; it was bound in a bright red 
 cover. 
 
 Lib. Hem ! Did it contain any par- 
 ticular information ? 
 
 Ambiguous B. Yes, it was something 
 about the reign of Queen Elizabeth. (Lib- 
 rarian produces several biographies and 
 histories of the period.) No, it is none of 
 these ; it is a much smaller book. 
 
 Lib. Can you give me more definite 
 information, please ? 
 
 Ambiguous B. The book referred to the 
 standards of Queen Elizabeth. (Another 
 search, this time among works on national 
 flags.) No, this is not the kind of thing 
 at all ; what I want to find out is the 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 31 
 
 capacity of the ale gallon of Queen 
 Elizabeth's reign. 
 
 Lib. (repressing a desire to say what he 
 thinks, fetches a small look on British 
 Weights and Measures). Is this the book ? 
 
 Ambiguous B. That's it thanks ! sorry 
 to have given you so much trouble. 
 
 II. THE REFERENCE LIBRARY 
 ACT. 1. SCENE : A number of students are 
 reading at tables in the centre of the 
 room ; the librarian is seated at a desk 
 near the door. Notices requesting silence 
 are displayed prominently on the walls, 
 between the book-stacks. 
 Enter Elderly Gentleman who, after walking 
 round the room, approaches the librarian. 
 Elderly Gent, (in a loud voice). Nice 
 library you've got here. 
 
 Librarian. Yes, we have a very fair col- 
 lection of books. 
 
32 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Elderly Gent, (speaking loudly). How 
 many volumes did you say ? 
 
 Lib. Thirty thousand. (Noticing that the 
 readers are being disturbed) Can you speak 
 a little quieter, please ? 
 
 Elderly Gent, (speaking more loudly). 
 What did you say ? I'm a little hard of 
 hearing. 
 
 Lib. (momng towards the exit door). Silence 
 must be observed. (Trys to make himself 
 understood by signs). 
 
 Elderly Gent, (in a hissing whisper). 
 Quite so Quite so I beg pardon. 
 
 Lib. (getting nearer to the exit). The 
 architecture in the corridor is very fine. 
 
 Elderly Gent, (in a voice that gradually 
 increases in tone). I can't hear what you 
 say. I don't know how it is, but the 
 younger generation don't seem to speak 
 up like they did when I was a young man. 
 
 [Disappears with the librarian into the 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 38 
 
 vestibule, followed by the glances of the 
 readers, the voices gradually growing 
 less distinct.) 
 
 Enter Younger Man 
 
 Lib. (returning). Can I help you in 
 any way? 
 
 Younger Man. I want to find out in 
 what books the following characters are 
 mentioned : Becky Sharp ; Cordelia ; 
 Smike ; Sir Mulberry Hawk ; Enoch 
 Arden ; Abraham Adams ; John Silver ; 
 Mr Eden ; Lalla Rookh ; Dinah Morris ; 
 Miles Standish ; Caleb Balderstone. 
 
 Lib. (after much time spent in research). 
 I think that completes the list. 
 
 Younger Man. Thanks ! It's for a com- 
 petition in " Blank's Weekly," you know ! 
 
 BETWEEN THE ACTS 
 
 Lady enters accompanied by little girl. 
 The child is impressed by the solemn and 
 
34 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 quiet aspect of her surroundings, and, 
 looking up to her mother's face, she 
 whispers : " Mummy, is this church ? " 
 
 Very tall gentleman leans over the issue 
 counter and looks down upon junior attend- 
 ant, fourteen years of age and four-feet-six 
 high, and asks : " Are you the librarian ? " 
 
 The " librarian-in-embryo " is as smart 
 as he is small, and replies, " No, sir, I'm a 
 pocket edition." 
 
 Anxious Inquirer. If you please, where 
 can I see a directionary ? 
 
 Gentleman (who has fatten asleep over a 
 volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, and 
 is being awakened by an attendant). " Don't 
 worry, Eliza ; it's your turn to get up and 
 light the kitchen fire." 
 
 ACT 2. SCENE : The same library a little later. 
 
 Enter Lady. 
 
 Lady. Could you tell me the address of 
 the registrar of births and deaths ? 
 
LIBRARY SKETCHES 35 
 
 Lib. Certainly, madam. (Supplies the 
 information.) 
 
 Lady. Thank you. I wanted the in- 
 formation for a neighbour of mine she's 
 just lost her husband. Very sad case; 
 he was such a dear man ; baby was so 
 fond of him. Speaking of baby reminds 
 
 me of a little incident that 
 
 [Librarian tries to interpose^ but is un- 
 successful, and is compelled to listen 
 to a long story about the smart sayings 
 and doings of a very ordinary child. 
 
 Enter Gentleman 
 
 Gent. There's a factory in my neigh- 
 bourhood that is a great nuisance. 
 The smoke from the chimneys blackens 
 everything about the place. What would 
 you advise me to do in the matter ? 
 
 Lib. (fetching a book on law). This book 
 may help you. 
 
36 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Gent, (after perking the look). It says 
 here that a trade fireplace or furnace 
 must consume, as far as practicable, its 
 smoke ; now what does " as far as prac- 
 ticable " mean ? 
 
 Lib. It's rather a moot subject; if I 
 were in your place I should consult a 
 solicitor. 
 
 Lady re-enters 
 
 Lady. I think I must have left my 
 servant's insurance card on the desk. 
 Thank you ! What is your opinion of this 
 irritating act ? 
 
 Lib. A very good thing for some people ; 
 a bad thing for others. (Thinking of baby) 
 Excuse me, please, I'm rather busy to-day. 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 
 
 When Crank meets Crank then comes a tug-of-war 
 
 PERSONS with " bees in their bonnets " 
 either retire from society and live like 
 hermits, or remain in the company of their 
 fellow-men in order to demonstrate to the 
 world at large, and their little circle in 
 particular, that something is wrong some- 
 where and they are the persons appointed 
 to put it right. Many in the latter class 
 find in religious and social institutions a 
 convenient medium for advertising their 
 idiosyncrasies. It is, therefore, not sur- 
 prising that a large number of cranks 
 gravitate towards the public library. 
 
 The library crank is an interesting study ; 
 he ranges from the milder type whose 
 eccentricity takes the form of a particular 
 
 37 
 
38 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 whim, to the more dangerous though at 
 times less irritating class that must be 
 placed in the category of insanity. 
 
 First in order comes the theological 
 crank. Usually he is attached to some 
 obscure minor sect, and endeavours to use 
 the public library as a means of propagating 
 his religious doctrines. In his mistaken 
 zeal he trys to obtain publicity for his 
 cause by placing tracts and bills in books 
 and other convenient receptacles. How 
 shocked he would be if he knew how 
 quickly his missionary efforts are dis- 
 counted through the medium of the waste- 
 paper basket, or in providing shaving 
 papers for the male members of the 
 staff. 
 
 One of the patrons of a Scottish library 
 was in the habit of adding to the formal 
 application for books a Scriptural text. 
 There is no evidence that the staff benefited 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 39 
 
 thereby, although it is to be hoped that 
 they did so. 
 
 The zeal of the religious enthusiast often 
 consumes his sense of propriety. An illus- 
 tration of this is afforded in the following 
 case : A certain book was donated to a 
 library in North London, and shortly 
 afterwards handbills were circulated in 
 the district, as follows : 
 
 Read " Christendom Astray " in Free Library 
 
 THE BIBLE TRUE 
 
 " Man Mortal. Immortality a Gift to be bestowed 
 in the Near Future ! " 
 
 The above address will be given in the 
 
 HALL 
 
 On Sunday, May 15, at 7 p.m. 
 
 A similar, but more advanced, type of 
 fanatic is the " out-and-out " religious 
 maniac. In a town in Yorkshire a man 
 returned a library book that his wife had 
 
40 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 borrowed, and gave the following explana- 
 tion : " Knowing that Our Lord is soon 
 coming again, I desire to be ready, and 
 would not like a borrowed book in the 
 house, especially as the Scriptures are 
 sufficient." 
 
 Another instance is provided in a letter 
 that was sent several years ago to a well- 
 known librarian in South London : 
 
 " I return you a book which my boy has 
 had from your library. He joined it 
 without telling me, and I have forbid him 
 borrowing. I am a believer in the second 
 coming of our Lord (see 2 Peter iii. 
 10-12), and "think it likely that he will do 
 so shortly. How could I meet Him with 
 a clear conscience whilst I had borrowed 
 books in my house ? May I respectfully 
 urge upon you to read 1 Thessalonians 
 v. 2, and flee from the wrath to come, 
 for, sir, your business is sinful. Better be 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 41 
 
 a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord, 
 than dwell in the tents of wickedness." 
 (Psalm Ixxxiv. 10). 
 
 Next in order is the faddist with a pet 
 theory. If the library does not contain 
 all the books on his particular subject he 
 writes it down as a rubbish heap. Generally 
 the subject is a very specialized one, often 
 theological, and quite out of the way of 
 the ordinary reader's study ; but this is 
 not taken into account by the faddist ; 
 he is too self-centred in his pet theory. 
 The correspondence of the same librarian 
 affords a good illustration of this type. 
 
 "Sin, I beg to suggest the following 
 books for the Reference Department . . . 
 as I, and I have no doubt others, want 
 very badly to refer to these books, namely : 
 MaskelTs (W.) Monumenta Ritualia, last 
 and previous editions. 
 
42 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 " Now that is a most useful if not neces- 
 sary book for compiling a new Liturgy, 
 as I am doing at present, and indeed for 
 everyone wishing to study and understand 
 his prayer-book properly. 
 
 " Also as ye have only the old edition 
 of the companion work, viz. Ancient 
 Liturgy, I would suggest the last edition 
 should be obtained. . . . 
 
 " Also, as ye have only the old edition 
 of H. Blunt 's Annotated Book of Common 
 Prayer, I would strongly suggest that ye 
 should get the last edition also. . . . 
 
 " I would strongly recommend that ye 
 should get a most important liturgical 
 work by a theologian in the Established 
 Presbyterian Church of Scotland, called 
 The Church and her Services. I forget 
 the name of the author, but it is in the 
 Liturgies Catalogue of the British Museum, 
 under the head of ' Scotland.' 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 43 
 
 " 1 would also suggest that ye should 
 get ... The Book of Common Order of the 
 Presbyterian Church of England. I saw it 
 last Thursday. 
 
 " I would suggest that ye should get 
 duplicates of all the above works, and of 
 Daniel on the Prayer-Book, of which ye 
 have only one copy, and that ye should put 
 the latter in the same press with the others, 
 so that it could be obtained for reading 
 upon Sundays. I often have a great 
 difficulty in getting it, especially as it is 
 often lent out. 
 
 " I think it most inconvenient and in- 
 jurious that such books should be lent out, 
 when there are not duplicates for reference, 
 especially as there is such a plenty of 
 useless and injurious novels which only 
 truckle to the vitiated taste of the idle 
 and the silly, and encourage and pander 
 to their frivolity; whilst the best and 
 
44 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 most useful works in the Greek and Latin 
 classics and their translations, in Medicine, 
 Theology, and Law are nearly altogether 
 excluded. . . . 
 
 i; There is not so much use in having a 
 fine building when most of the books 
 which the sensible and educated part of 
 the public specially require are not to 
 be found there. . . . Social Science is not 
 there, nor translations of the classics and 
 modern languages . . . nor many Uni- 
 tarian and Free Thought works. Excluding 
 these is religious persecution. 
 
 " Surely it is most strange and sur- 
 prising that ye have not all these books 
 in the library, and carried out the other 
 suggestions I have given. . . . 
 
 Yours faithfully, 
 A CLERGYMAN. 
 
 " P.S. Surely ye ought to heat the 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 45 
 
 library more during this cold weather. 
 It is cruel treatment of the readers to 
 leave them nearly frozen. ... I think the 
 Sanatory Authorities should compel you to 
 heat them properly." 
 
 The librarian to whom this letter was 
 addressed, states that it is only one of 
 many similar epistles received by him 
 from the same correspondent. 
 
 As is indicated in the postscript of the 
 foregoing letter, the man with a pet theory 
 does not always concern himself with 
 books ; sometimes his crotchet takes a 
 more general form, such as heating or 
 ventilation. The ventilation crank is well 
 known in public reading-rooms. If the 
 windows are open he feels a draught ; if 
 they are closed the room is stuffy; the 
 thermometer is quite useless in such cases. 
 When, as it sometimes happens, an open- 
 
46 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 air faddist comes in contact with a crank 
 who feels a draught, then comes a tug- 
 of-war with a library official acting as 
 umpire. 
 
 There is more truth than literary merit 
 in the following plaint of a worried 
 librarian : 
 
 I surely am distracted. What is a man to 
 
 do? 
 I have just received a letter from Mrs 
 
 Timbuctoo ; 
 She writes to say the reading-room is quite 
 
 devoid of air, 
 And really, as a ratepayer, she will not 
 
 languish there. 
 
 But Mr Fad, who reads The Times till 
 
 nearly half -past one, 
 Is very much annoyed because the windows 
 
 are undone. 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 47 
 
 Against this gross injustice he protests with 
 
 all his might, 
 And thinks that he, a ratepayer, should 
 
 have them closed up tight. 
 
 Now there are those who want no air, and 
 
 side with Mr Fad, 
 And say an open window is enough to 
 
 drive them mad ; 
 But there again are many more like Mrs 
 
 Timbuctoo, 
 Who want the windows open ; well, what 
 
 is a man to do ? 
 
 Very innocent, but disfiguring from the 
 bibliographical point of view, is the pastime 
 of the faddist who presses ferns, flowers, 
 and botanical specimens generally between 
 the leaves of a volume. Most libraries 
 have among their readers a crank of this 
 order, and, unfortunately, he generally 
 uses as his instrument a very heavy and 
 
48 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 expensive type of book that is seldom 
 asked for by other readers, and so the 
 damage is not traced to its source without 
 much difficulty. 
 
 The bibliographical treasure crank is an 
 interesting type. He has discovered an 
 old book in the penny box of a second- 
 hand bookseller, and he brings it to the 
 librarian for valuation. He is surrounded 
 by an air of mystery as he approaches 
 the librarian, and carefully draws forth, 
 from a capacious pocket, a very dilapidated 
 volume. Usually the book, judged from 
 a bibliographical or literary aspect, is 
 worth about what he gave for it some- 
 times less. The librarian tries to break 
 the truth gently, but it is a dismal failure. 
 " Look at the date," he will say triumph- 
 antly, " 1785." The librarian explains that 
 an old book is not valuable necessarily ; 
 that it needs some special bibliographical 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 49 
 
 characteristic to give it a market value. 
 " But look," he continues, " the s is 
 printed like /." At last the librarian 
 gives it up in despair and, if humorously 
 inclined, refers the treasure-hunter to a 
 fellow librarian or bibliophile. 
 
 Somewhat similar is the crank with 
 an inventive mind. He creates the same 
 atmosphere of mystery as he produces 
 from an old bag a piece of very ordinary 
 rubber tubing. He explains to the lib- 
 rarian, in strict confidence, that this par- 
 ticular tube, if affixed to a gas point, will 
 reduce the gas bill by 75 per cent. ; if 
 fitted to a water tap it will filter the water ; 
 if laid on a carpet it will absorb the dust ; 
 and if fastened to the insides of pneumatic 
 tyres it will prevent punctures. He is 
 certain there is a fortune in the so-called 
 invention, but that is not his main object ; 
 he is striving to benefit humanity. He 
 
50 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 treats the librarian as a confidant, and the 
 latter promises not to divulge the secret 
 until either the inventor makes his fortune, 
 or dies. (The particular inventive genius 
 the present writer has in mind is dead.) 
 
 Another who is striving to benefit 
 humanity is the person who has discovered 
 some cure, unknown to the medical pro- 
 fession, for a specific malady. Does the 
 librarian suffer from the effects of indiges- 
 tion ? He thought so. Well, he will tell 
 him a little secret. And being a secret, he 
 whispers into the librarian's ear : " Take 
 cold water baths winter and summer, and 
 eat an apple morning and night." 
 
 The well-worn joke relating to young un- 
 married curates, infatuated lady members 
 of congregations, and embroidered slippers 
 is not without its paraUel in the library 
 world. An assistant librarian unmarried, 
 endowed with good looks and a distin- 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 51 
 
 guished bearing unconsciously sowed the 
 seeds of the tender passion in the heart 
 of a lady who frequented the library. 
 The gentleman, much against his will, 
 was the recipient of numerous neckties, 
 etc. Seeing that her feelings were not 
 reciprocated, the lady's love turned to 
 hatred, but the infatuation remained, and, 
 like the foolish moth, she continued to 
 flutter near the candle. She declared that 
 the gentleman in question possessed the 
 " evil eye " and had cast a spell over her. 
 Finally, she ordered him to remove his 
 evil influence from her, and threatened 
 him with sundry penalties if he failed to 
 do so. Of course, the poor lady's mind 
 was quite unhinged. 
 
 It was the custom of a regular reader 
 at a certain library to check the periodicals 
 systematically, with a view to reporting 
 any that were overdue or missing from 
 
52 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 their places. On one or two occasions he 
 reported that the ABC Railway Guide 
 was missing. This being a peculiar circum- 
 stance, the members of the staff were 
 instructed to keep a strict watch on the 
 readers, and in due time the thief was 
 discovered he was none other than the 
 crank himself. 
 
 Some years ago a reader amused himself 
 with a pair of scissors by snipping at his 
 fellow - readers. On a junior assistant 
 remonstrating with him, he straightway 
 snipped the assistant's fingers, causing 
 blood to flow. The humour of the situation 
 lay in the fact that the janitor was oft 
 duty at the time, and it fell to the lot of 
 the present writer to eject the maniac. 
 
 On another occasion a librarian was 
 called to a man who sat in the reading- 
 room, muttering audibly, and who refused 
 to keep quiet or leave the premises. The 
 
CRANKS AND CROTCHETS 53 
 
 librarian insisted on the man leaving the 
 building, and the following remarkable 
 dialogue took place : 
 
 Reader. Don't be hard on me because 
 I've only got one eye. 
 
 Librarian (noticing the truth of the 
 statement). I'm sorry, but I must ask 
 you to step outside. 
 
 Reader. I've been a soldier. Don't be 
 hard on an old soldier. 
 
 Librarian. Will you step outside, 
 please ? 
 
 Reader. All right. Am I to take the 
 sack, or leave the sack ? 
 
 Librarian (who sees a canvas sack under 
 the table and is now convinced of the man's 
 insanity). Bring the sack outside by all 
 means. 
 
 Reader. But I've come for my grand- 
 father's clock ! 
 
 The librarian ultimately pacified the 
 
54 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 man and persuaded him to leave the 
 building without the clock. 
 
 A man strolled into the reading-room, 
 sat down, pulled out his pipe, and lit it 
 for a quiet smoke. He was at once told 
 that this was quite contrary to all rules 
 and regulations. He sat quietly for a time, 
 but finding it rather dull commenced to 
 talk loudly. Again the assistant interfered 
 by directing his attention to the " Silence 
 is Requested " notice. Goaded beyond 
 endurance, the man sprang up, and ex- 
 claimed, " They won't let you smoke, and 
 they won't let you talk, but I suppose they 
 can't prevent you from pulling your eye 
 out," and, suiting the action to the word, 
 he took out one of his eyes and waved 
 it aloft in the air. It was glass ! 
 
TWISTED TITLES 
 
 " What's in a name ? " 
 
 MUCH humour is occasioned by peculiarities 
 of book titles. Such peculiarities are often 
 emphasized, and sometimes caused by the 
 twists given them by readers, although in 
 certain instances the authors themselves are 
 directly responsible. For example, Ruskin 
 is noted for the singularity of the titles 
 that he bestowed on many of his books, 
 and more than one person desiring a 
 book on garden plants have selected 
 Sesame and Lilies, an interesting study 
 on education. 
 
 A story is told of a farmer who, con- 
 templating the provision of better accom- 
 modation for his sheep, sent to the neigh- 
 bouring library for a book dealing with 
 
 55 
 
56 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 sheep and sheepfolds. The messenger 
 returned bringing with him Ruskin's Notes 
 on the Construction of Sheepfolds. The 
 language of the farmer can be better 
 imagined than described when, on opening 
 the book, he discovered the theme to be 
 the discipline of the Church and its con- 
 nection with the State. 
 
 Doubtless the English vocabulary was 
 also extended when the reader who wanted 
 a tide-table, received instead " letters on 
 the laws of work," having been deceived 
 by the title, Time and Tide. 
 
 Another illustration of the familiar say- 
 ing, '" Things are not always what they 
 seem," was provided by a library reader 
 who proved himself to be as witty as he 
 was dense. 4fter referring to the catalogue 
 he requisitioned Frederic Harrison's George 
 Washington and other American Addresses. 
 In a little while he brought back the book 
 
TWISTED TITLES 57 
 
 to the librarian and said : " This book 
 does not give me what I require ; I want 
 to find out the addresses of several American 
 magnates ; I know where George Washing- 
 ton has gone to, for he never told a lie ! " 
 
 " Have you A Joy for ever ? " inquired 
 a lady borrower. " No," replied the 
 assistant librarian, after referring to the 
 stock. " Dear me, how tiresome," said 
 the lady ; " have you Praed ? " " Yes, 
 madam, but it isn't any good," was the 
 prompt reply. 
 
 The principal character in the following 
 dialogue was not engaged in a flirtation, 
 but merely requisitioning a few novels. 
 
 Young Lady (reading from list). Engaged 
 to be married ? 
 
 Librarian (referring to shelf). No. madam. 
 
 Lady. Thou Art the Man ? 
 
 Lib. Yes, madam. 
 
 Lady. Thank you. Two Kisses? 
 
58 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Lib. Out, madam. 
 
 Lady. After Dark ? 
 
 Lib. Yes, madam. 
 
 Lady. Thanks ! Love Me for Ever ? 
 
 Lib. No. Wooed and Married? 
 
 Lady. No, thank you: Under Love's 
 Rule ? 
 
 Lib. No, madam. 
 
 Lady. Good-lye Sweetheart. Thank you 
 very much. 
 
 In another library a reader asked for 
 The Girl he Married (by James Grant). 
 This happened to be out, and the assistant 
 was requested to select a similar book. 
 Presumably he was a benedict, for he 
 returned triumphantly with His Better 
 Half (by George Griffith). 
 
 Have you LyalTs Won by Waiting? 
 said a borrower's messenger. The librarian 
 went to the bookshelf and came back with 
 the reply, " No, it's out ! " " Oh, well," 
 
TWISTED TITLES 59 
 
 said the messenger, " give me any other one 
 by Waiting." 
 
 A boy once handed to the assistant in 
 charge of a lending library a note requisi- 
 tioning the " History of Adam's Grand- 
 father," the " Autobiography of Ananias 
 and Sapphira," and the " Life of the Man 
 in the Moon." " Who sent you ? " said 
 the assistant. " My big brother ! " was 
 the reply, " he's too busy to come himself." 
 The assistant, seeing that the messenger 
 was the victim, and not the instigator, 
 of this foolish joke, sent back word that 
 the borrower would have to call personally 
 for the books. 
 
 The Public Library, however, is quite 
 equal to meeting demands of this kind, 
 and, in the instance quoted, the following 
 works would have met the case : 
 
 (1) Genealogical History of the Family 
 of Adams. 
 
60 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 (2) A work on ancient musical instruments, 
 containing an account of (liars) lyres. 
 
 (3) A treatise on lunar as(s)tronomy. 
 
 Librarians are often surprised by seem- 
 ingly startling requests. A borrower once 
 asked for a book On Nothing, which ulti- 
 mately proved to be something in the form 
 of a book of essays by Hilaire Belloc. A 
 reader of H. G. Wells' books made an 
 apparently impossible request when he 
 asked to see The Invisible Man. While 
 another, wishing to renew the issue of a 
 novel he had borrowed previously, offended 
 a lady librarian by saying : " Please extend 
 a book, Thou Fool." Equally disturbing 
 to the librarian was a request received 
 on a post-card from a male reader, " Kindly 
 reserve me A Damsel or Two." 
 
 A lady reader who had a passion for 
 country walks used to arrange visits to 
 charming rural spots and sought help in 
 
TWISTED TITLES 61 
 
 her choice of them at the library. She 
 asked the attendant to supply her with 
 Notable Hamlets. Until he pointed out 
 to her the portraits of Henry Irving, and 
 other famous actors included in the volume, 
 she could not believe that it had nothing 
 to do with rambles to famous villages. 
 
 A decidedly prepossessing young lady 
 walked into a public library, and said : 
 " I should like ' The Red Boat,' please." 
 The librarian searched the catalogue, and 
 then replied : "I don't think we have 
 such a book." The lady, blushing a little, 
 inquired : " May the title be The Scarlet 
 Yacht ' ? " Again the librarian referred to 
 the catalogue with the same result. After 
 a little time spent in exploring the contents 
 of her hand-bag, the lady produced a 
 slip of paper, and said : " Oh, I beg pardon, 
 I mean the Rubaiyat" 
 
 Somewhat similar was the request that 
 
62 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 came from another young lady, who asked 
 for " Pretty Rita." She could not remem- 
 ber the author, but thought it was a recent 
 novel. The librarian suggested Pretty Polly, 
 by Clark Russell, and Pretty Michal, by 
 Jokai ; but the lady insisted that the 
 heroine's name was Rita, and refused all 
 substitutes. At last the librarian had a 
 happy thought. " Was Ruskin the name 
 of the author ? " Yes, the lady thought 
 that it was, and Prceterita was produced, 
 but was quickly rejected by the borrower 
 as being too unromantic. Finally, the 
 young lady compromised by taking Gretchen, 
 by the novelist popularly known as " Rita." 
 Mistakes are frequently made by readers 
 in naming well-known books. Two of the 
 more common occur in connection with 
 Every Man's Own Lawyer and Hardy's Far 
 from the Madding Crowd. Nine out of 
 every ten persons will ask for " Far from 
 the Maddening Crowd," while ninety-nine 
 
TWISTED TITLES 63 
 
 out of a hundred will ask for " Every Man 
 His Own Lawyer." More original mistakes 
 were made by the readers who applied 
 respectively in writing for the History of 
 Animals, by Harry Stotle (Aristotle) ; Joe 
 Cephas' ( Josephus') Works ; and Dante's 
 " Infernal Comedy." 
 
 Humorous twists given to book titles 
 by library borrowers may be illustrated 
 by the following requests, which are but 
 a few of many : 
 
 I come for Mr A , will you please send 
 
 him " Indecent Orders " (In Deacon's 
 Orders) ? 
 
 Please renew the " Prisoner of Zena 
 Dare " (Prisoner of Zenda). 
 
 Have you a novel entitled, " She Combeth 
 not her Head " (He Cometh not, She 
 Said) ? 
 
 I want Braddon's " Trial of the Servant " 
 (Trail of the Serpent). 
 
 Please give me Canon Liddon's " Broken 
 
64 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Fowl " (The Broken Vow, by Canon Knox 
 Little). 
 
 Have you " Swanker's " (Scharwenka's) 
 Polish Dances ? 
 
 Is "Valentine's Fox" (Valentine Vox) 
 in? 
 
 Have you the "Essays of a Liar" 
 (Essays of Elia) ? 
 
 Please let me have the " Autograph on 
 the Breakfast Table" (Autocrat of the 
 Breakfast Table). 
 
 Where shall I find Feminine (Fenimore) 
 Cooper's works ? 
 
 I want "From Jessie to Ernest" (Jest 
 to Earnest). 
 
 Is the Scrapegoat (Scapegoat) in ? 
 
 Do you keep " With the Immorals " 
 (With the Immortals) ? 
 
 " Bunch of Screws " (Bunter's Cruise), 
 please ? 
 
 Is the "Stuck-up Mihister " (Stickit 
 Minister) in ? 
 
TWISTED TITLES 65 
 
 " Kiss Auntie " (Quisante) if you please? 
 
 A reader required one of Sir Walter 
 Besant's novels, and, being near closing 
 time, one of the staff went to the shelves 
 and called out several titles. The majority 
 were rejected with a negative, the borrower 
 having read them previously. Finally, the 
 assistant named the Alabaster Box. The 
 reader, being unacquainted with this title, 
 thought the assistant was having a joke 
 at his expense, and exclaimed: "No, sir, 
 nor Ointment Box either, and if I have 
 any more of your impudence, I'll report 
 you to the librarian." 
 
 It sometimes happens that readers lose 
 the books they borrow. On one occasion, 
 by a curious coincidence, the book lost 
 was Twice Lost. If this book had been 
 lost a thousand times, it would hardly 
 compare with the case of the borrower 
 who reported that he had lost Ten 
 Thousand a Year. 
 
66 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 The laugh is not always on the side of 
 the librarian ; the latter lapses occasionally 
 into unconscious humour. An application 
 for the return of an overdue book was 
 made by a librarian, who commenced : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I beg to inform you that 
 It is never too late to mend . . . 
 
 A similar application sent from another 
 library was worded as follows : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I beg to inform you that 
 unless the 1,000,000 Bank Note (Twain), 
 borrowed from this library on April 1st, 
 is returned within one week from this date, 
 further proceedings will be taken to recover 
 the same." 
 
 Another application was made for the 
 return of Helen's Babies ; the fine for their 
 detention amounting to fourpence, which 
 surely is a lenient penalty for so heinous 
 an offence as kidnapping. 
 
 Some years ago an assistant in the 
 reference department of a library in a 
 
TWISTED TITLES 67 
 
 northern town was seen to be making a 
 lengthy search among the biographical 
 books. He flitted about here and there 
 like a bee in a flower-garden, and at last 
 attracted the attention of a superior 
 officer. " What's the matter ? " inquired 
 the latter, " you appear to be very worried." 
 " A reader wants the life of Salvator 
 Mundi" said the assistant, " and I can't 
 trace it. I have looked in the dictionaries 
 under S and M, and can only find Salvator 
 Rosa." " Oh, well," was the reply, " go 
 to the theological section and get a life 
 of Christ." Thus did the assistant learn 
 that " Salvator Mundi " was equivalent to 
 " Saviour of the world." 
 
 Several tales reflecting on the intelligence 
 of the very junior library assistant are 
 recorded. It is said of one that on being 
 asked for a book on bells, he handed to 
 the astonished inquirer, Black's Shandon 
 Bells, with the information that it was 
 
68 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 " one of the most recent books on the 
 subject." Another, when a history of 
 Crustacea was requisitioned, looked very 
 wise and said, " Let me see, who was 
 Crustacea ? " While another, when asked 
 for a work on chickens, is credited with 
 suggesting the " Bantam Lectures." Evi- 
 dently he was confusing a species of chicken 
 with the Bampton Lectures, a series of 
 scholarly theological works. 
 
 The lad who went to the shelf containing 
 the books on optics to find George W. E. 
 Russell's essays entitled Seeing and Hearing, 
 has much in common with his colleague 
 who sought for Jerome's Three Men in a 
 Boat among the works on boating. The 
 prize for simple ignorance, however, must 
 be awarded to the " librarian-in-the-mak- 
 ing " who, when the Autobiography of 
 Sir Walter Besant was requisitioned, is 
 said to have replied : " Who is the author, 
 please?" 
 
TWISTED TITLES 69 
 
 A gentleman in Paris sent to the book- 
 binder two volumes of the French edition 
 of Uncle Tom's Cabin. The title in French 
 is UOncle Tom, and the two volumes 
 were returned to him marked on their 
 backs 
 
 L'ONCLE L'ONCLE 
 
 TOM. I. TOM. II. 
 
 It is alleged that many of the clergy 
 are underpaid for their good services to 
 the community, and the statement is con- 
 firmed by the following entry on a book- 
 seller's invoice : 
 
 1 FAITHFUL MINISTER . net 2s. 6d. 
 
 Evidently " faithfulness is its own reward." 
 A bookseller's assistant who was asked 
 for The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, a 
 book of imaginary conversations by Oliver 
 Wendell Holmes, came back with the 
 reply that the book was not in stock. 
 
70 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 " Are you quite sure ? " said the customer, 
 " it is a standard work." " Yes, quite," 
 replied the assistant, " we keep all the 
 cookery books together." 
 
 This story is matched by that of another 
 assistant to whom a lady addressed the 
 following request : " Have you Pepys* 
 Diary, please ? " " Sorry, madam," replied 
 the young man, " they've not sent us any 
 this season. The fact is, madam, I think 
 they've stopped publishing it." The lady 
 uttering a " Thank you so much ! " turned 
 to the door. The assistant, however, with 
 an eye to business, rapidly reeled off the 
 names of several well-known diary pub- 
 lishers, and concluded by asking if any 
 one of them would suit. " I am afraid 
 not," replied the lady, " I was advised to 
 get Pepys' as being the best " ; and with 
 that she left. 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 
 
 Mistakes will occur, even in the best regulated catalogues 
 
 A CATALOGUE of books is essentially utili- 
 tarian ; compared with a modern novel 
 it might even be described as dull and 
 uninteresting. On this account it occupies 
 a foremost place among sleep -compelling 
 literature, and can, therefore, be recom- 
 mended to persons suffering with insomnia. 
 Nevertheless, it has been ordained that 
 there should be gleams of humour even 
 in so serious a production as a catalogue, 
 and occasionally the dulness of its pages 
 is relieved by amusing errors that appear 
 in some of the entries. 
 
 It is a matter of difficulty to ascertain 
 precisely whether these errors are perpe- 
 trated by the compiler or the printer, 
 
 71 
 
72j LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 but it is advisable, when addressing the 
 former, to assume that the latter is re- 
 sponsible, and vice versa. 
 
 That the printer is not devoid of humour 
 is evident in the following entries selected 
 from the proof sheets of a library catalogue : 
 
 Baldwin, James. The Cook Lover. (Book.) 
 Boldrewood, Rolf . My Rum Home. (Run.) 
 Cervantes Saavedra. Exemplary Hovels. 
 
 (Novels.) 
 Darwin, C. R. The Origin of Speeches. 
 
 (Species.) 
 
 Fowler, E. T. Fuel off Fire, (of.) 
 Hole, S. R., Dean. A Book about Noses. 
 
 (Roses.) 
 Hutchinson, G. W. C. Some Pints on 
 
 Learning to Draw. (Points.) 
 
 Mahaffy, J. P. Old Greek File. (Life.) 
 Oliphant, M. 0. Cruet in Charge. 
 
 (Curate.) 
 Stables, Gordon. Our Friend the Fog. 
 
 (Dog.) 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 73 
 
 The facetiousness of the printer is again 
 shown in the alterations : " Lord Ormont 
 and his Aminta," to " Lord Ormont and 
 his Annuity " ; a " Harvest of Wild Oats " 
 to a "Harvest of Wild Cats"; The 
 " Golden Face " to the " Golden Fare " ; 
 the " Princess Aline " to the " Princess 
 Alive " ; and " Mrs Caudle's Curtain 
 Lectures " to " Mrs Candle's Curtain Lec- 
 tures." The domestic experience of the 
 printer may have taught him that the last- 
 mentioned lady could talk in the dark, but 
 it is to be hoped that the same experi- 
 ence did not prompt him when he changed 
 the "Tenth Muse" into the "Tenth 
 Nurse." 
 
 A suggestion of naughtiness is apparent 
 in the alteration of Le Gallienne's " Quest 
 of the Golden Girl " to the " Guest of the 
 Golden Girl," while the substitution of 
 "mirth" for "birth" in the case of a 
 
74 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 novel which was described as " dealing 
 with the struggle against the disadvantages 
 of illegitimate mirth " makes one think, 
 with Dr E. A. Baker, who records the 
 incident, that the compositor must have 
 been a choir-boy in the days of his youth. 
 
 Other instances are recorded where 
 Brigadier Gerard became Brigadier General ; 
 a Huguenot silk-weaver, a Huguenot silk- 
 worm ; a peasant boy, a pheasant boy; 
 the corn crops, the corn cross ; mind in the 
 lower animals, wind in the lower animals ; 
 and the transits of Venus, the transits of 
 Venice. Hughes' Scouring of the White 
 Horse was altered to Scouring of the 
 White House, the point of which will 
 be particularly obvious to our American 
 friends ; but the summit of absurdity was 
 attained in the case of a treatise on conic sec- 
 tions which appeared as " comic selections." 
 
 In all probability it was some such 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 75 
 
 blunders as these that caused Tom Hood 
 to pen the following skit : 
 
 " But it is frightful to think 
 
 What nonsense sometimes 
 They make of one's sense, 
 And what's worse, of one's rhymes. 
 
 It was only last week, 
 In my ode upon spring, 
 
 Which I meant to have made 
 A most beautiful thing. 
 
 When I talked of the dew-drops 
 From freshly-blown roses, 
 
 The nasty things made it 
 From freshly-blown noses. 
 
 And again, when to please 
 An old aunt, I had tried 
 
 To commemorate some saint 
 Of her clique who had died, 
 
 I said he had taken up 
 
 In heaven his position, 
 And they put it he'd taken 
 
 Up to heaven his physician" 
 
76 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 The printer is by no means infallible, but 
 it would be unfair to blame him for all errors 
 that appear in a catalogue. For example, 
 it is unlikely that he was responsible for 
 arranging a book on " Petrology " under 
 " Automobiles." Again, in the following in- 
 discriminate arrangement of author and title 
 entries, the compiler is surely to blame. 
 
 Castle (A) in Spain. 
 
 Castle (A) Story of my Little Lady Anne. 
 
 Day (A) Harmony. 
 
 Day (A) of my Life. 
 
 This mixed arrangement calls to mind the 
 ingeniousness of another cataloguer who 
 economised space, as follows : 
 
 Mill on the Floss, 
 do. on Liberty. 
 Punches, Dies, etc. 
 
 do. History, by Spielmann. 
 
 The last entry, it will be noted, refers to 
 the " king of humorous periodicals." 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 77 
 
 Mistakes are sometimes caused through 
 ignorance of printers' marks, or careless 
 proof -checking. In a certain catalogue, 
 the entry, 
 
 Proctor (R. A.) Mysteries of Time and 
 
 Space. 
 
 was incorrectly spaced, and the person who 
 checked the proof wrote in the margin, 
 "more space," omitting to enclose the 
 instruction in a circle. Consequently the 
 entry appeared : 
 
 Proctor (R. A.) Mysteries of Time and 
 More Space. 
 
 This incident reminds one of the story 
 of the amateur proof-checker who desired 
 to correct the entry, 
 
 KINGANDQUEEN. 
 
 He wrote in the margin, " Please put more 
 space between King and and and and and 
 Queen." Some little time elapsed before 
 
78 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 the worried look or the face of the printer 
 gave place to a gleam of intelligence. 
 
 Blunders in cataloguing are sometimes 
 made, and fortunately corrected before 
 they attain the dignity of print. In some 
 libraries junior assistants are employed in 
 writing the " rough copy," and such entries 
 as the following have been found : 
 
 Buchanan (Robert). Fleshy (Fleshly) 
 School of Poetry. 
 
 Days near Paris ; by Augutsus (Augustus) 
 Hare. 
 
 The Destruction of Fish by the Action 
 of Infernal (Internal) Parasites. 
 
 Harbottle (Thomas). Dictionary of His- 
 torical Illusions (Allusions). 
 
 The abbreviations used in the description 
 of books are often amusing when viewed 
 in the light of their context. For example : 
 
 Jack at Sea, ill. (meaning illustrated). 
 The nature of poor Jack's illness is apparent, 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 79 
 
 but it is necessary to enter into fuller 
 detail regarding that of : 
 
 A Wanderer in Holland, cold. ill. (coloured 
 illustrations). 
 
 The traveller may have been affected by 
 the waterways, but his complaint is not so 
 drastic as that indicated in a 
 
 Handbook on the Distillation of Alcohol, 
 ill. dia. (diagrams). 
 
 Modesty forbids a translation of the com- 
 plaint here suggested, but temperance 
 advocates may be able to point a moral. 
 On the other hand, their arguments may 
 be weakened slightly by such entries as 
 that respecting a biography of 
 
 Benjamin Disraeli, ill. port, (portraits). 
 
 In this case it would seem that port was 
 recommended as a tonic. 
 
 The examples quoted have been ex- 
 tracted from public library catalogues, 
 
80 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 but the bookseller's catalogue also provides 
 similar humorous instances, as in : 
 
 The Inn by the Shore. Pub. at 2s. 6d. 
 
 At first sight it appears that the recent 
 licensing legislation has reduced the com- 
 mercial value of public houses practically 
 to nil, but " pub. " is merely the abbrevia- 
 tion for " published." It is presupposed 
 that the reader has some knowledge of 
 slang, which will be necessary in order to 
 appreciate the following, as well as the 
 foregoing, example : 
 
 True Stories of Crime. Clean Cop. (Copy). 
 
 Many cataloguers append notes to the 
 main entries in their catalogues, and this 
 annotation considerably widens the field for 
 the humorist. Here are a few specimens : 
 
 A Consideration of the Question, Is Life 
 worth Living ? 
 
 Cannot fail to stimulate thought. The 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 81 
 
 author died soon after the book 
 was written. 
 An Ideal Husband. 
 
 Essentially a work of fiction, and 
 presumably written by a woman 
 (unmarried). 
 Insect Pests. 
 
 A useful book on a worrying subject. 
 Gives information concerning these 
 pests ; how to know them by illustra- 
 tions, and how to destroy the same. 
 (It will be noticed that there is some 
 doubt as to whether the insects or 
 the illustrations are to be destroyed.) 
 Aspects of Home Rule. 
 
 Political, not domestic. 
 New Vegetarian Dishes. 
 These dishes are of the edible kind, 
 and will be found in the cookery, 
 and not in the pottery, department 
 of the library. 
 An Angler's Season. 
 
 An interesting book on a doubtful 
 subject, whichever way it is viewed. 
 
82 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 The present work deals with fish, 
 and has no connection with the 
 marriage market. 
 
 There is another kind of humour to be 
 found in a catalogue of books that, curiously, 
 is not dependent upon the blunders or 
 design of either compiler or printer. This 
 type is illustrated in the following list of 
 apposite book-titles and authors, which 
 may be verified by reference to catalogues : 
 
 First Aid to the Injured ; by Drink water. 
 
 Hygienic Value of Colour ; by White. 
 
 One Thousand Salads ; by Green. 
 
 Lane and Field ; by Wood. 
 
 Where to find Ferns ; by Heath. 
 
 Scripture Zoology ; by Catlow. 
 
 Natural Evidence of a Future Life ; by 
 Bakewill. 
 
 Village Sermons ; by Church. 
 
 Money and its Relation to Prices ; by 
 Price. 
 
 The State and Pensions in Old Age ; by 
 Spender. 
 
HUMOURS OF THE CATALOGUE 83 
 
 The Liquor Problem ; by Wines. 
 
 Night Side of Nature ; by Crowe. 
 
 Rowing ; by Rowe. 
 
 Rod and River ; by Fisher. 
 
 Exmoor Streams ; by Wade. 
 
 Pheasants, Turkeys, and Geese ; by Cook. 
 
 Studies in Plant Form ; by Lilley. 
 
 Disturbing Elements ; by Birchenough. 
 
 Manufacture of Gas ; by Burns. 
 
 Studies from the Russian Ballet ; by 
 Hoppe. 
 
 A Tramp through Switzerland; by 
 Leggett. 
 
 White Wings; by Black. 
 
 From Post to Finish ; by Smart. 
 
 In the Permanent Way ; by Steel. 
 
 Poetical Works ; by Poe. 
 
 Many more instances could be quoted, 
 but enough have been mentioned to show 
 that the pages of a catalogue of books are 
 more productive of humour than many 
 readers suppose. 
 
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR 
 BORROWERS OF BOOKS 
 
 tf Who goetk a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing " 
 
 1. Thou shalt not buy what thou canst 
 
 borrow. 
 . Thou shalt take care of thine own 
 
 books, for thy babies and thy puppies 
 
 will find as much delight in borrowed 
 
 books as playthings. 
 
 3. Thou shalt not cut the leaves of 
 
 a book with a butter-knife, nor 
 decorate the margins with jam in 
 imitation of the old illuminated 
 manuscripts. 
 
 4. Remember that the most artistic form 
 
 of appreciation is to repair the 
 torn leaves of a book with postage 
 
 84 
 
TEN COMMANDMENTS 85 
 
 stamp edging, and to arrange the 
 red and green lines alternately. 
 
 5. Honour the opinions of an author as 
 
 expressed in his book, but shouldst 
 thou disagree with his views, pencil 
 thine own notes in the margins. By 
 so doing thou wilt not only give 
 evidence of thy vast learning, but 
 will irritate subsequent readers who 
 will, unmindful of thy superior know- 
 ledge, regard thee as a conceited 
 ass. 
 
 6. Thou shalt choose thy books 
 
 from amongst those most worn. 
 Shouldst thou be dissatisfied with 
 their contents thou wilt have the 
 pleasure of knowing that many of 
 thy neighbours have been " had " 
 likewise. 
 
 7. Thou shalt consult the librarian when 
 
 thou knowest not what thou re- 
 
86 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 quirest. Should he be unable to 
 assist thee, substitute " in " for 
 
 " con." 
 
 8. Thou shalt not pay fines on principle 
 
 (current cash is much to be preferred). 
 
 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness 
 
 against the library assistant, saying : 
 "He taketh the best books and 
 reserveth them for his friends." 
 10. Thou shalt not covet the books that 
 thy neighbour hath appropriated. 
 
THE JUVENILE READER 
 
 " Children and fooles speake true" 
 
 JUVENILE readers, like their elders, some- 
 times exhibit peculiar tastes in literature. 
 A little girl once asked for a nice book, 
 and was shown several that seemed to be 
 suitable. She did not appear to be satisfied 
 with the selection, however, and on being 
 asked what kind she liked, she replied : 
 " If you please I want a sad one with 
 something in it to make you cry." 
 
 On the other hand, many children will 
 reject books that savour of a goody-goody 
 character. Mr Spofford, in A Book for all 
 Readers, tells a story of a boy who, on 
 returning a certain book to a library, said : 
 " I don't want any more of them books. 
 The girls is all too holy." This boy illus- 
 
 8? 
 
88 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 trates a type of juvenile reader that is not 
 uncommon in public libraries. 
 
 Children often confuse the titles of 
 popular books, and will ask for such things 
 as Allsop's Fables, Buck and Deer Chief, 
 Good Liver's Travels, Helen's Dairy, Holly- 
 berry Finn, From Powder Admiral to 
 Monkey, Sweet Family Robinson Crusoe, 
 Jimmy's Screws, Old Friends with Clean 
 Faces, Rusty Diamonds, Through the Dark 
 Condiment, Turnip (Bunyip) Land, and 
 Sand-pits at Merton. 
 
 Most of these can be translated easily, 
 but a more difficult case occurred when a 
 girl requisitioned " Watercress." The 
 librarian told her that a book of that 
 name was not in the library, but the 
 girl persisted in her request. A school- 
 fellow, she said, had borrowed it only a 
 week or two ago, and had told her it was a 
 nice book. Eventually a solution of the 
 
THE JUVENILE READER 89 
 
 problem was found in Mrs Moles worth's 
 Lettice. 
 
 A lesson in perseverance was given 
 unconsciously by a girl who asked for 
 the Crown of Success, a tale by A.L.O.E. 
 On being told the book was out, she replied, 
 " Please give me one by the same author 
 Try Again." 
 
 The following story has been told before, 
 but it is worth repeating : A boy who 
 collected moths was in search of a book 
 on the subject. Having studied the 
 
 catalogue carefully, he asked for Dr 's 
 
 Advice to Young Mothers. This anecdote 
 is similar to that of the little girl, the 
 proud possessor of a new doll, who selected 
 a book on dolphins. 
 
 " If you please I want the Fool's Index," 
 said a young scholar. " The Fool's Index," 
 repeated the librarian, thinking that she 
 had not heard aright, or that someone 
 
90 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 was trying to make a fool of the child. 
 "Who told you to ask for it?" "My 
 teacher," was the reply. " I've got to 
 write an Essay, and teacher said the Fool's 
 Index would help me." The puzzled look 
 on the face of the librarian gave place to 
 a smile as she took from the shelf Poole's 
 Index to Periodical Literature. 
 
 Children are generally ready with excuses, 
 but some cannot produce such convincing 
 evidence as a certain small boy who was 
 reproved for keeping a book over the time 
 allowed. " If you please, miss," said he, 
 " I couldn't bring my book back on Friday. 
 I had my tooth out." He thereupon 
 opened his mouth to reveal the gap, but 
 all that the librarian could see was a length 
 of red tongue. 
 
 Juvenile messengers are responsible for 
 many amusing sayings. One of the most 
 common of peculiarly worded messages is : 
 
THE JUVENILE READER 91 
 
 " Please, father says, will you send him a 
 library ? " As a rule it is only a very 
 small part of the library that is sent. 
 
 In a recent issue of the Chicago Dial a 
 story is told of a small boy who rushed, 
 breathless, into a certain public library 
 and delivered the following message : 
 " Mother says, please, to send her Brown- 
 ing's pair o' scissors ! " The librarian trans- 
 lated this into a request for Paracelsus. 
 
 Somewhat similar is the story of the 
 boy who returned one of Hugo's works, 
 and said, " Father has sent back the 
 naughty dame (Notre Dame) and wants 
 one less miserable (Les Miser ables)" 
 
 A few years ag6 a child went to the 
 delivery desk at an American library, and 
 said to the lady librarian, " Please, teacher, 
 my school teacher says for me to get 
 something about Andromine." " Andro- 
 mme?" " Yes, ma'am." " Well, tell me 
 something about Andromine." " Oh, she 
 
92 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 was a lady chained to a rock and another 
 boy came and got her off." 
 
 In another library a youngster returned 
 two books that his elder brother had 
 borrowed, and expressed his message as 
 follows : " Here's the library books me 
 brother had out, and he wants you to stop 
 his circulation." 
 
 " Please, ma'am," said a small girl to 
 the lady assistant, " is The Blameless 
 Woman in the library ? Father has been 
 looking for her for a long time." 
 
 A writer in a recent issue of The Book 
 Monthly tells a story of a youthful mes- 
 senger who handed in a slip of paper 
 on which was written the following re- 
 quirement : " England's by-legends." This 
 proved to be a puzzle until the librarian 
 discovered its phonetic resemblance to 
 Ingoldsby Legends. 
 
 Another application was made for a 
 book, the title being given as " The In- 
 
THE JUVENILE READER 93 
 
 sanity of Jesus." At first sight this ap- 
 peared to be blasphemous, but it was only 
 another instance of a phonetic mistake 
 on the part of the juvenile applicant. The 
 book required was The Insanity of Genius, 
 by Nisbet. 
 
 The application form that has to be 
 filled in prior to the issue of a borrower's 
 ticket presents certain difficulties to the 
 child mind. As a general rule, the juvenile 
 reader must write his or her name, etc., 
 on the form provided, and submit a re- 
 commendation signed by a parent or 
 school teacher. On one occasion a girl, 
 foreseeing a difficulty in obtaining her 
 mother's signature, filled in both parts 
 of the form, writing on her parent's behalf 
 as follows : 
 
 I, Louisa Smith of 1 Blank Street, 
 being a Mother-in-law in terms of 
 Rule 14 or 8, desire to recommend 
 Louisa Smith for a Ticket. 
 
94 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 The legal touch, of course, revealed the 
 deception. 
 
 What was thought to be a similar case 
 of forgery occurred when a small boy 
 tendered a form, duly signed. The parent's 
 signature was written so badly that the 
 assistant queried it, thinking that the 
 boy had filled in both sides of the form. 
 A few days afterwards an indignant 
 mother came into the library and, pro- 
 ducing her marriage certificate, explained 
 that she had brought her " marriage lines 
 to show that she could write 'er own name 
 correct." As additional evidence she 
 produced a Christmas club card from a 
 local grocer to prove that she had lived 
 in the neighbourhood for some time, and 
 had " always bin reg'lar in 'er payments." 
 Needless to say, the boy was admitted a 
 library borrower without further question. 
 
 A lad returned a form that was en- 
 dorsed on the back by his mother. As 
 
THE JUVENILE READER 95 
 
 his father's name appeared in the direc- 
 tory he was told that his father must 
 sign the form. His reply was : " If you 
 please, sir, he's dead at present." 
 
 This story is supplemented by that of 
 the youngster who presented a similar 
 form to a library in North London, and 
 explained : " Father ain't filled in this 
 form as 'e don't know 'is resurrection 
 number." Of course, he should have 
 said " registration," for, in this instance, 
 father was alive at present, and, there- 
 fore, his resurrection number was not due. 
 
 On another occasion a small girl asked 
 for a form for mother. The assistant gave 
 the form to the child, at the same time 
 telling her that it would have to be signed 
 on the back by a ratepayer. The girl, 
 after a moment's reflection, said : " Did 
 you say it would have to be signed with 
 a red pen ? " Query : Was the child or 
 the assistant's enunciation at fault ? 
 
96 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 It is, of course, only a boy who could be 
 responsible for the following dialogue : 
 
 Messenger. Please, I want a nice novel. 
 
 Library Asst. Who is it for, a 
 lady or gentleman ? 
 
 Messenger. It ain't for neither. 
 
 Library Asst. Who is it for, then ? 
 
 Messenger (bluntly). My mother, o' 
 course ! 
 
 The librarian of a certain library was 
 once startled by a boy who, rushing into 
 the library, exclaimed : " Please, mister 
 librarian, a man wots workin' up on the 
 roof 'as bin and gorn an' dropped a 'ammer 
 through the skylark." The librarian, 
 however, quickly regained his composure, 
 being inured to shocks by the operations 
 of suffragette militancy. 
 
 To the child who has never before 
 seen such an article of furniture, the card 
 catalogue is a cabinet of mystery. It 
 
THE JUVENILE READER 97 
 
 presented no mystery, however, to a small 
 child who went with her mother into a 
 library in the United States. She begged 
 for a penny to put in the slot in the cata- 
 logue case so that she might get some 
 gum. 
 
 Another little patron of the same lib- 
 rary, who had been collecting labels from 
 spools, gave them to the librarian. On 
 being asked what they were for, he said : 
 " They are on the backs of all the books 
 in the library, and I thought you would 
 need them." 
 
 It is customary in most libraries to 
 insist on youthful borrowers having clean 
 hands before being allowed to handle 
 books. A boy was sent recently from a 
 London library to wash his hands. He 
 went out into the street, and in the course 
 of a very short time reappeared, wiping 
 
 his hands on his trousers ; he had made 
 G 
 
98 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 use of a neighbouring puddle. Similar, 
 but apparently more serious, was the 
 plight of another small boy to whom the 
 same request was made. After glancing 
 at his dirty hands, he looked up and said 
 to the lady librarian : "It ain't no good, 
 miss, it won't come off." We fancy 
 that his excuse likewise did not " come 
 oft." 
 
 Much less cute was the youngster who 
 entered another public library and asked 
 an assistant for a membership ticket. 
 "You must apply in the children's lib- 
 rary," said the assistant ; " walk down 
 that passage and enter the first door on 
 the right." Within an hour the small 
 boy, who believed that he had followed 
 the instruction implicitly, was telling his 
 story to the interested assistant in charge 
 of the juvenile department at the branch 
 library two miles away. 
 
THE (S)NEWSROOM 
 
 THE LOAFERS' LAMENT 
 
 Who mil bell the custodian ? 
 
 SOME years ago the question as to the 
 desirability of the newsroom as an ad- 
 junct to the Public Library was raised. 
 A few library authorities have been bold 
 enough to dispense with this department, 
 assuming that the room is used largely 
 by loafers, and deeming it inadvisable 
 to provide for that undesirable class at 
 the expense of the ratepayer. At the 
 present day the newspaper is so cheap, 
 and most people can, and do, buy copies 
 for themselves, that there seems to be a 
 good reason for this policy. 
 
 The abolition of the newsroom, however, 
 may be called in question by some, and by 
 
 99 
 
100 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 none more than the loafer, who feels out 
 of place in an ordinary reading-room, and, 
 therefore, has a grievance. In the in- 
 terests of justice and charity we think it 
 only fair that the point of view of Weary 
 William and Tired Timothy should be 
 stated. 
 
 SCENE : The hall of a library where the 
 newsroom has been transformed recently 
 into an extension of the reference 
 department. Advertisements of "situa- 
 tions vacant" are displayed on one of 
 the walls. Enter two gentlemen of no 
 occupation. 
 
 Weary W. Lookin' fur a job, mate ? 
 
 Tired T. Wot do you think ? Where's 
 the bloomin' snewsroom ? 
 
 Weary W. Think they've done away 
 with it. There's bin some halterations 
 since I come back from 'oppin'. 
 
THE (S)NEWSROOM 101 
 
 Tired T. Wot ! Done away with the 
 snewsroom ! Garn, who're yer gittin' at ? 
 
 Weary W. 'Ard, ain't it? Arter wot 
 the likes of us 'as done fur them insti- 
 tootions. That's gratitood, that is. 
 
 Tired T. Gratitood be blowed. If it 
 wasn't fur us they'd 'ave 'ad ter put up 
 their shutters afore this. Ain't we stuck 
 to 'em thro' thick and thin; goin' there 
 of a mornin' afore some of yer so-called 
 gentry is up, an' stayin' there till ten at 
 night ; just goin' out ter git a bit o' grub 
 and a little summat to wash it down. 
 
 Weary W. Yus, and we'd stay there 
 all the blessed night if they didn't chuck 
 us out. 
 
 Tired T. Wot der people pay rites for 
 if it ain't ter pervide light literatoor fur 
 us 'ard-workin' chaps, and it is 'ard work, 
 ain't it, tryin' ter keep awake and pertend 
 ter read? 
 
102 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Weary W. Them ritepayers is bloomin' 
 mugs. That's wot I sez. 
 
 Tired Tim. Not 'alf they ain't. See the 
 snewsroom fall down like a pack o' cards 
 afore their eyes, and keep their mouths 
 shut. 
 
 Weary W. Pity they can't keep their 
 noses shut. Only t'other day I 'eard 
 some swell say, " I wish ter goodness that 
 'ere newsroom didn't smell so hobjection- 
 able." 
 
 Tired T. In course they smell, and fur 
 why ? A bit o' bacca would improve 'em, 
 but bless yer, the orthorities won't allow 
 no smoking, let alone give yer a pipeful 
 o' shag. I ought ter 'ave bin a counciller, 
 and don't yer forgit it. 
 
 Weary W. Wot ! Then p'raps the 
 cheers 'ud be more comfortable, and we'd 
 'ave 'ot corfee an' rolls of a mornin', 
 Mister Counciller Timothy. 
 
THE (S)NEWSROOM 103 
 
 Tired T. I don't want none o' yer 
 sarcaticism. 
 
 Weary W. All right, mate, keep yer 
 'air on. Wot's the good of a snewsroom 
 if they don't give yer summat t' eat ? 
 
 Tired T. That's wot I sez. I told the 
 bloke in buttons abaht it t'other week, 
 and he sez, " I wonder what next you'll 
 want ; 'ungry, are yer," sez he, " why 
 don't yer git a job ; there's the hadvertise- 
 ments in the 'all." 
 
 Weary W. That's yer " Jack in Orfice." 
 'Spose 'e meant them patent food hadver- 
 tisements. Good job 'e didn't say it ter me. 
 
 Tired T. Well, I give 'im a piece of me 
 mind, an' told 'im wot I'd do if it wasn't 
 fur the braid on 'is coat. Them 'ere 
 offishals want takin' down a peg or two. 
 
 Weary W. You've 'it it, mate. You'd 
 think by the side that some of 'em put 
 on, that they pide us instead of " versy 
 
104 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 visa." Tain't so very long ago I was 
 a-sittin' readin' The Labourer's Friend 
 an' chewin' it over with me eyes shut, 
 when up comes one o' the starf, hoffishus 
 like, an' sez ter me, " Oi, git out o' that " 
 and it a rainin' cats and dawgs. There's 
 gratitood fur yer. 
 
 Tired T. Gratitood ! There ain't no 
 sich word. Libarians ain't got none 
 any'ow. Where would some o' them there 
 chaps be if it wasn't fur us ? Don't yer 
 common sense tell yer they wouldn't 'ave 
 so much ter do, and would git the chuck. 
 
 Weary W. Looks ter me, mate, as 'ow 
 they want ter give us the chuck, doin' 
 away with wot you may call a soshal 
 hinstitootion. Takes the bloomin' bis- 
 cuit, don't it ? Ask for a newspiper and 
 they gives yer a Encyclometer. 
 
 Tired T. So long, mate it's enuff 
 
 ter drive yer ter work. 
 
REFORMED LIBRARY SIGNS 
 
 "Eyes to the blind" 
 
 IT is a psychological commonplace that a 
 perfectly obvious notice becomes invisible 
 through custom, and sometimes even by 
 reason of its obviousness. This pheno- 
 menon can be observed any day in any 
 Public Library, and leads to a certain 
 amount of unpleasantness and friction. 
 Yet the remedy is simple enough : you 
 simply have to get people to read your 
 notices, and in order to do this, all you 
 have to do is to make them attractive. 
 I append a few examples of one way by 
 which this end may be attained. Let 
 us call on the aid of the Muses ! Surely 
 one of them at least will be disengaged 
 for a few minutes. 
 
 106 
 
106 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Take the notice most frequently used 
 in libraries and see what we can do with it. 
 
 Let Jack and Cora bill and coo 
 Like turtle-doves new-nested ; 
 But let them also keep in view 
 
 That SILENCE IS REQUESTED. 
 
 The parties mentioned really don't need 
 this reminder to keep quiet. But the 
 beauty of this notice is that it calls the 
 attention of everyone, in a gentle, in- 
 sinuating fashion, to the existence of the 
 regulation. Still, for the sake of variety 
 it might be advisable to have other 
 versions also placed in view. For ex- 
 ample : 
 
 Sit here and read, and read again, 
 
 Until you have been rested ; 
 But kindly don't forget to note 
 
 That SILENCE IS REQUESTED. 
 
 Rules against loud talking have always 
 
REFORMED LIBRARY SIGNS 107 
 
 been a source of worry. The awful ex- 
 perience of a now famous librarian should 
 give us pause. In his youthful days the 
 library in which he laboured was placarded 
 with the notice : " Audible Conversation 
 is not Permitted." Having occasion one 
 day to rebuke some obviously illiterate 
 delinquents, he sallied forth and (para- 
 phrasing for their benefit) enounced the 
 following amazing paradox : 
 
 " Talking aloud is not allowed ! " 
 We have taken warning from this, and will 
 leave the notice alone. Smoking, how- 
 ever, can be dealt with more safely. 
 " Fragrant cloud " and " not allowed " 
 are a great temptation ; but we will be 
 brave and try another : 
 
 Put out your " tuppeny," tap your pipe 
 
 Unless you would be gibbeted ; 
 For note, smokers ! young or ripe, 
 
 That SMOKING IS PROHIBITED. 
 
108 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 After all, why should we resist the 
 temptation : 
 
 Ah ! burn no more the " sovrane herb," 
 
 Dispel the fragrant cloud, 
 And while you're here your craving 
 curb 
 
 SMOKING is NOT ALLOWED. 
 
 Then here is a notice that should be 
 placed near the entrance to the building : 
 
 We'll lend you a volume for Sunday, 
 We'll answer all questions off pat ; 
 And all that we ask is that one day 
 
 You'll PLEASE WIPE YOUR FEET ON 
 THE MAT. 
 
 It will be noted that this sign recognises 
 the hopelessness of expecting anyone to 
 make a practice of it. That is the beauty 
 of most of these notices. They are plead- 
 ing rather than dogmatic. 
 
 Turning our attention to the " indi- 
 cator " for a moment (for the benefit of 
 
REFORMED LIBRARY SIGNS 109 
 
 the libraries using them), we suggest the 
 following notice : 
 
 RED IS OUT AND BLUE IS IN, 
 
 'Tis a paradox in paint : 
 For if it's red it can't be read, 
 And if it's blue you ain't. 
 
 The cheering value of a notice similar to 
 this one would be immense, and would 
 fortify readers in the task of compiling 
 gigantic lists of " wants." The example 
 given could be used, but it needs polishing 
 up, the fourth line is hardly literary. 
 
 It would never do to provide a notice 
 for the " indicator " and ignore the open 
 access library. How will this one do ? 
 
 The books I need 
 Are never " In " 
 
 (Am I accurst?) 
 " Who runs may read " 
 What truth herein ! 
 He gets there first. 
 
110 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 I think the foregoing are sufficient to 
 give a rough idea of the kind of thing 
 suggested. It need not be (and as a rule, 
 won't be) polished verse : the only essential 
 is that it should call attention to some 
 regulation or notice. In most of the above 
 examples, the moral is pointed ; but even 
 this is not absolutely necessary. For 
 example : 
 
 WAY IN^> 
 
 Enchanted path where hope runs high 
 With ne'er a doubt. 
 "What's that you say? ... < None 
 in to-day ! ' " 
 
 WAY OUT. 
 
ADVERTISING UP-TO-DATE 
 
 He who advertises not, is lost 
 
 AT the close of a busy day the librarian 
 returned home tired and worried. The 
 issues were satisfactory, indeed, more than 
 satisfactory, for the supply of books was 
 not equal to the demand. That day 
 borrowers had been clamouring insist- 
 ently for new books, and the book-fund 
 was at a very low ebb. The difficulty was 
 that the library rate of one penny in the 
 pound was quite inadequate, and the 
 ratepayers refused to sanction an increase. 
 The public wanted books, but the public 
 did not want to pay for them. There- 
 fore the librarian was worried. 
 
 The librarian leaned back in his well- 
 worn arm-chair and sought distraction 
 
 m 
 
LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 from his troubles by the aid of his favourite 
 books. A volume of The Library Journal 
 lay open before him, and his attention 
 was arrested by the following note : " An 
 advertising circular with a picture of the 
 New York Public Library has been re- 
 cently issued, and presents the following 
 interesting information : 
 
 " This notable example of the best in 
 architecture was officially opened on May 
 23rd. Of course you will visit it. You 
 cannot fail but note the beauty of it all, 
 and the thoroughness of its equipment. 
 Every possible aid for the comfort and 
 convenience of the public has been con- 
 sidered. All the attendants are equipped 
 with 
 
 O'Sullivan Rubber Heels. 
 
 Do you wear these comfortable and 
 healthful aids to 
 
 Quiet efficiency ? 
 
ADVERTISING UP-TO-DATE 113 
 
 " Ah ! " mused the librarian, " this is 
 an age of advertisement a capital idea 
 why didn't I think of it before? Per- 
 haps I could prevail on some enterprising 
 firm of publishers to supply books to the 
 library, free of charge, if advertisements 
 were inserted in them. Now, what is 
 wanted is a nice, artistic, unobtrusive 
 style of thing not big, glaring, ugly 
 advertisements . ' ' 
 
 Comfortably settling himself in his arm- 
 chair, the librarian continued to meditate. 
 
 In an absent-minded way the librarian 
 turned his revolving book-case, abstracted 
 a volume of Shakespeare, and opened it 
 at Hamlet " : 
 
 Marcellus. How is't, my noble lord ? 
 Horatio. What news, my lord ? 
 Hamlet. 0, wonderful ! 
 Horatio. Good, my lord, tell it. 
 Hamlet. No ; you'll reveal it. 
 
114 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Horatio. Not I, my lord, by heaven. 
 
 Marcellus. Nor I, my lord. 
 
 Hamlet. How say you, then; would 
 
 heart of man once think it ? 
 
 But you'll be secret ? 
 
 Horatio. ) 
 
 ,. [-Ay, by heaven, my lord. 
 
 Marcellus. } 
 
 Hamlet. There's ne'er a breakfast bacon 
 
 that can equal Hogg's. 
 Horatio. There needs no ghost, my lord, 
 
 come from the grave 
 
 To tell us this. 
 
 " Strange," muttered the librarian. 
 " I've read about the Shakespeare -Baconian 
 theory, but ! 
 
 The librarian closed the book and took 
 up the Works of Longfellow. Scanning 
 the pages, his eye lighted upon " Ex- 
 celsior," and he commenced to read : 
 
 The shades of night were falling fast, 
 As through an Alpine village passed 
 
ADVERTISING UP-TO-DATE 115 
 
 A youth who bore, 'mid snow and ice 
 A banner with this good advice 
 Buy Foots Corn-Cure. 
 
 And so on to the last verse : 
 
 A traveller, by the faithful hound, 
 Half-buried in the snow was found, 
 Still grasping in his hand of ice 
 That banner with the good advice 
 Buy Poofs Corn-Cure. 
 
 Rubbing his eyes to make sure he was 
 awake, the librarian re-read the poem. 
 Surely this version differed from the ori- 
 ginal ; how strange he had not noticed it 
 before. 
 
 " My knowledge of modern literature 
 must be getting rusty," thought the 
 librarian, as he replaced Longfellow's 
 Poems and took down a volume of Hood's 
 Works. Opening it at random he hap- 
 pened upon the well-known poem, "I re- 
 
116 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 member, I remember," and read as follows : 
 
 I remember, I remember, 
 
 The house where I was born, 
 Dad got the furniture, you know, 
 
 On hire system from Horne. 
 Home never came a wink too soon, 
 
 And if Dad couldn't pay, 
 He never would, like other firms, 
 
 Have borne the chairs away ! 
 
 (It will pay you to call at our com- 
 modious showrooms in High Street. 
 Walk in, please walk out, pleased.) 
 
 I remember, I remember, 
 The roses got from White's, 
 The vi'lets and the 
 
 " But I don't remember," murmured the 
 librarian " there's something wrong some- 
 where. However, I'll feed my mind a little 
 on Dickens before going to bed." 
 
 Taking up Oliver Twist, the libra- 
 rian read : 
 
 "In pursuance of this determination, 
 
ADVERTISING UP-TO-DATE 117 
 
 little Oliver, to his excessive astonish- 
 ment, was released from bondage, and 
 ordered to put himself into a clean shirt. 
 (Cotter's shirts at 3s. 6d. do not shrink, and 
 last longest.) He had hardly achieved this 
 very unusual gymnastic performance 
 (lessons in physical training are given each 
 evening at the Extension School) when Mr 
 Bumble brought him, with his own hands, 
 a basin of gruel (Scott's Oatmeal is the best) 
 and the holiday allowance of two ounces 
 and a quarter of bread (Baker's bread is 
 the staff of life)." 
 
 " Ah ! " mused the librarian, " this is 
 an age of advertisement how stupid of 
 me not to have thought of it before. Of 
 course, I have persuaded some enter- 
 prising firm of publishers to supply books, 
 with advertisements, free of charge. Oh ! 
 what a twist I've got in my neck." With 
 that he awoke, and a volume of Shake- 
 speare fell to the floor. 
 
BOOKS AS FURNITURE 
 
 " No furniture so charming as books, even if you never 
 open them or read a single word " 
 
 THE results of popular education are not 
 so disappointing as some pessimists would 
 have us believe. To-day every home that 
 is worthy of the name shows signs of 
 culture in the possession of a piano and 
 a library. The latter may be merely a 
 shelf of books in the general living room 
 the work of an amateur carpenter sup- 
 plemented by sundry visits to the penny 
 box of a second-hand bookshop or it 
 may be an elaborate collection of books 
 housed in one or more rooms. 
 
 Whether the inmates are readers or not, 
 the fashion of " culchaw " demands the 
 
 presence of books in every home. Books 
 11* 
 
BOOKS AS FURNITURE 119 
 
 are as necessary in the furnishing of a 
 house as a wardrobe or coal shovel ; they 
 give the finishing touch, and invest the 
 home with an air of refinement that even 
 a collection of bric-a-brac cannot supply. 
 
 Books are furniture not merely in the 
 sense that they can be used as cushions, 
 footstools or trouser-presses as occasion 
 requires for many can be purchased at 
 the present day on the hire system of 
 monthly payments, or the " you marry, 
 we do the rest " principle. When fur- 
 nishing a library it is desirable from a 
 decorative point of view to foster the 
 idea that the books are furniture, and to 
 subdue the contention of a few specialists 
 that books are literature. 
 
 Oliver Wendell Holmes, in The Poet at 
 the Breakfast Table, puts the matter very 
 clearly, thus : "Of course, you know there 
 are many fine houses where the library is 
 
120 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 a part of the upholstery, so to speak. 
 Books in handsome binding kept locked 
 under plate-glass in showy dwarf book- 
 cases are as important to stylish establish- 
 ments as servants in livery, who sit with 
 folded arms, are to stylish equipages. I 
 suppose those wonderful statues with the 
 folded arms do sometimes change their 
 attitude, and I suppose those books with 
 the gilded backs do sometimes get opened, 
 but it is nobody's business whether they 
 do or not, and it is not best to ask too 
 many questions." 
 
 A story is told of a millionaire who built 
 a palatial residence, and who desired to 
 impress the county gentry with his book- 
 lore. The architect was instructed to set 
 apart a large room as the library, and when 
 this was ready for the internal fittings, 
 he approached the millionaire on the 
 subject. " Measure up all the available 
 
BOOKS AS FURNITURE 
 
 space," said the millionaire, " get what 
 book-shelves are necessary, and order 
 from the bookseller so many yards of 
 books to fit, and mind they have pretty 
 covers." The architect did not pose as 
 a literary critic, and so he sent the order 
 to the bookseller, exactly as directed, leav- 
 ing the selection of books to the latter. 
 Now it happened that the bookseller had 
 just bought a large stock of remainders 
 of a third-rate novel, and, knowing some- 
 thing of the millionaire's literary pre- 
 tensions, he thought he saw a way of 
 making a good profit out of the trans- 
 action. He measured up the remainders 
 and found they came to the stipulated 
 number of yards ; he then had them 
 rebound in gorgeous bindings, lettered 
 with the names of authors and titles 
 of classical and modern standard works, 
 and duly despatched. The millionaire is 
 
122 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 exceedingly proud of his library, and it 
 is very unlikely that he will ever discover 
 the trick that was played upon him. 
 
 The moral of this story is obvious. 
 The objects of a library in a scheme of 
 furnishing a house are to secure artistic 
 effect and to impress casual visitors with 
 the seemingly vast learning of the owner. 
 
 " Through and through ' the inspired 
 leaves, 
 
 Ye maggots, make your windings ; 
 But, oh ! respect his lordship's taste, 
 
 And spare his golden bindings." 
 
 If possible, the number of books should 
 be sufficient to cover the walls of a room, 
 as a saving of wall-paper is thereby effected. 
 
 The books should be arranged on the 
 shelves according to their sizes and the 
 colours of their bindings. Librarians are 
 wont to group books under subjects and 
 authors, but this tends to destroy artistic 
 
BOOKS AS FURNITURE 123 
 
 symmetry, and serves no useful purpose 
 other than facilitating reference. To be 
 able to find a particular book when a 
 neighbour calls to ask for the loan of it, 
 is a doubtful advantage. 
 
 Due care should be exercised in the 
 selection of covering materials. A rich 
 man who dwelt north of the Tweed ordered 
 a quantity of books. The bookseller 
 knew that they were required for effect 
 rather than use, and so he asked his cus- 
 tomer whether he would like to have 
 them bound in " Morocco " or " Russia." 
 " Hang it all, man," said the book-buyer, 
 " get them bound in Glasgow ! " 
 
 The colours of the bindings should be 
 as bright as possible, and should har- 
 monize with those of the wall-paper and 
 upholstery generally. Rows and rows of 
 books in darkly covered bindings exert 
 a depressing influence on the mind, and 
 
184 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 it is possible that if this mattter had 
 been brought to the notice of the late Sir 
 W. S. Gilbert, he would have expressed it 
 somewhat in this way : 
 The books on the shelves of my library 
 
 (Said I to myself said I), 
 Shall be drest in light covers as bright 
 
 as can be 
 
 (Said I to myself said I). 
 No need, when one's gloomy, to go to a 
 
 rink, 
 Or when feeling mournful to take to 
 
 strong drink; 
 Try Darwin or Dickens in calf salmon 
 
 pink 
 (Said I to myself said I). 
 
 Bibliophiles will patch up old original 
 book-covers, and say that it is as wicked 
 to put new covers on old books as it is 
 foolish to put new wine into old bottles ; 
 but bibliophiles look upon books as books 
 and not as furniture. 
 
PERVERTED PROVERBS 
 
 " The price of wisdom is above rubies " 
 
 A BOOK in the hand is worth two on the 
 shelf. 
 
 It is an ill book that does nobody any 
 good. 
 
 Select books in haste and repent at your 
 leisure. 
 
 Be slow in choosing a book and slower in 
 reading it. 
 
 A book should not be judged by its binding. 
 
 Two books are better than one. 
 
 Returned in time saves " fine." 
 
 Fine books make " fined " borrowers. 
 
 A library book is better out than in. 
 
 It is easier to criticise a book than to 
 write one. 
 
 Better ill-fed than ill-read. 
 
 125 
 
126 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 It is a poor book that is not worth the 
 candle. 
 
 Many hands make dirty books. 
 
 Spare the puppy and spoil the book. 
 
 Never buy to-morrow the book you can 
 borrow to-day. 
 
 The reader proposes, the librarian dis- 
 poses. 
 
 It's a long tale that has no ending. 
 
EXAMINATION ANSWERS 
 AND QUERIES 
 
 " A little learning is a dangerous thing " 
 
 THE duties of an examiner are often 
 arduous, but his labours are sometimes 
 lightened by gleams of humour thrown 
 here and there among the answers to the 
 questions. This kind of humour is very 
 one-sided, for mercifully the much-tried 
 candidate responsible for it is generally 
 left in blissful ignorance of his misapplied 
 wit. The following are a few specimens 
 of blunders committed by candidates at 
 examinations in library lore : 
 
 " Bibliography is that science which 
 relates to the study of the Bible." 
 
 In a scheme of classification " Medicine 
 
 127 
 
128 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 would be classed as a sub-division of 
 Physics." 
 
 " Classification by form is to classify 
 formally, or as a matter of course." 
 
 " An epic is a literary form written in 
 verse and which teaches us some lesson 
 not necessarily of a moral nature." 
 
 " Chatterton was a very young poet who 
 discovered an old piece of poetry, entitled 
 the ' Death of Sir Charles Bawdin.' This he 
 gave to the world as his own poetry." 
 
 " Dickens had the dramatic function 
 (? faculty) well developed." 
 
 " Victor Hugo's best known work is 
 ' William Tell.' " 
 
 " Wilkie Collins deals with the novel of 
 sensation, but his characters do not live 
 long." 
 
 " Dante is an exceedingly bitter writer ; he 
 takes you into hell and describes Satan and 
 his angels. He wrote his play for the stage." 
 
ANSWERS AND QUERIES 129 
 
 The Divine Comedy is "a play which 
 could be acted by the priests on the steps 
 of a church for the benefit of the poorer 
 classes." 
 
 " Allegory is writing highly coloured, 
 as Pope's works." 
 
 " Common- sense school. A designation 
 applied to the school of poets of which 
 Dry den was the head and Pope the tail." 
 
 " Pedagogy is the study of feet." 
 
 Disraeli " foretold the occupation of 
 Cyprus. There seems little doubt but 
 that he made political events to coincide 
 with what he had foretold in his novels." 
 
 " Folklore is giving to animals and 
 things human sense." 
 
 Dickens " was saturated in the lower 
 ebbs of society." 
 
 Macaulay " grafted on many idiosyn- 
 crasies which he got from his delving in 
 German." 
 
130 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 " Anthology is the study of insects." 
 
 " Codex Vaticanus. Codex was the 
 name given to an edition of the Bible. 
 Thus we have the Psalmorum codex of 
 Fust and Shoeffer and many others. The 
 Codex Vaticanus was an edition of the 
 Bible, printed in Latin, for the use of the 
 Vatican in Rome. It was printed in the 
 sixteenth century." 
 
 " A collection of works of any author 
 is termed an Anthropology." 
 
 " In Beowulf the deep sonorous de- 
 scriptions of gloomy, desolate country is 
 graphically described." 
 
 " The pros and cons of Sunday opening 
 of libraries are that a few are open, and 
 many are closed." 
 
 " Watermarks are stains in paper 
 caused through the action of water or 
 damp. They can be removed by a 
 solution of warm water and alum," 
 
SAMPLES FROM A LIBRARIAN'S 
 CORRESPONDENCE 
 
 " The great art o' klter-writin' " 
 
 A FEW years ago a certain library was 
 undergoing a thorough cleaning at the 
 hands of the painters, and among the 
 librarian's correspondence at the time 
 was the following poetical effusion : 
 
 An intellectual centre : 
 
 Pagan or Apostolic, 
 Ought not to need a Mentor 
 
 To warn from risk of colic. 
 
 When of paint the air is full, 
 
 The precaution shouldn't fail 
 (Which everywhere should be the rule), 
 
 To have water in a pail. 
 
 w 
 
LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Placed in passages and rooms, 
 
 And floating therein straw, 
 T'absorb the noxious fumes, 
 
 And follow Hygeia's law. 
 
 P.S. If at your weathercock you look 
 
 (Accept the notice, please), 
 You'll see it Nature seems to mock ; 
 
 It's out forty-five degrees. 
 
 And up to the present time the libra- 
 rian has not decided whether his anony- 
 mous correspondent was right or wrong 
 in his statement regarding the weather- 
 cock. 
 
 The following letter is typical of many 
 that librarians receive, but the phrase- 
 ology is original : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I regret to report an acci- 
 dent to Library Book No. 13,693. Our 
 dog has unfortunately developed a taste 
 for learning and digested a few of the 
 
LIBRARIAN'S CORRESPONDENCE 133 
 
 leaves. Will you kindly let me know 
 the cost of same, and oblige." 
 
 An illustration of the need for super- 
 natural powers among librarians is shown 
 in the following : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, Please renew the book that 
 I took out about two weeks ago, or it 
 might be three. I forget the author and 
 title, but it was bound in blue with a 
 picture of a dolphin on the back." 
 
 In reply to an advertisement for an 
 assistant librarian, a pseudonymous wit, 
 doubtless impressed by the disparity 
 between the numerous qualifications re- 
 quired and the meagre salary offered, 
 submitted an application as follows : 
 
 " GENTLEMEN, I beg to apply for the 
 post of assistant librarian in your library. 
 
 " From my earliest years I have had a 
 pronounced taste for literature. Before 
 
134 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 I could talk, or walk with any degree of 
 accuracy or precision, I devoured Bunyan, 
 Thackeray, Dickens, the Family Bible, 
 and sundry picture books with an eager- 
 ness that would have put many an older 
 c bookworm ' to shame. In looking 
 through my father's diary recently, I 
 came across the following entry, written 
 when I was quite a small child : ' The boy 
 combines the taste of a literary connoisseur 
 with the digestion of an ostrich ; I wish he 
 would choose a less expensive hobby.' 
 
 " Through my own unaided efforts a great 
 impetus was given to the publishing trade, 
 and, were it not for the fact that a re- 
 straining hand fell rather heavily on me 
 at times, the output of books from the 
 publishing houses of this country would 
 have been much greater. 
 
 " During my schooldays this love of books 
 did not forsake me. I kept my books 
 
LIBRARIAN'S CORRESPONDENCE 135 
 
 very near to my person generally stowed 
 away under an accommodating coat or 
 jersey. I even hesitated to pry into the 
 mysteries contained within their covers, 
 until compelled to do so by an unsym- 
 pathetic teacher who wilfully misunder- 
 stood my motives. 
 
 " I relate these facts simply to show how 
 natural it is that I, having now come to 
 years of discretion, should seek to enter 
 the profession of librarianship. 
 
 " Although I am not a university gradu- 
 ate, I possess several educational certifi- 
 cates, and am learned in nearly every 
 4 ology ' and ' ography ' known to man. 
 Classification, cataloguing, and research 
 work would, therefore, present no diffi- 
 culties to me, and, without being unduly 
 modest, I think I could safely say that 
 I could paste a label in a book, or use a 
 dating stamp the right side up. 
 
136 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 "It is love of work rather than money 
 that induces me to make this application, 
 which I trust will receive the consideration 
 it deserves." 
 
 A more serious application for the posi- 
 tion of junior library assistant (female), six- 
 teen to twenty years of age, was received 
 from a lady of something past middle age : 
 
 " SIR, In answer to your advertisement 
 for a junior library assistant, I beg to 
 apply for the position. I admit I am not 
 young, but I know a lot more than silly 
 young girls who seem to spend most of 
 their time in giggling. I have been a 
 borrower from your library for some years, 
 and I am sure I could carry out your 
 duties." 
 
 The librarian dared not take this appli- 
 cation before his Committee for fear that 
 he might be superseded. 
 
LIBRARIAN'S CORRESPONDENCE 137 
 
 The following request was sent to a 
 college president in the United States, 
 who very wisely referred the seeker after 
 information to the nearest public library : 
 
 " DEAR FRIEND, I am trying to prepare 
 a lecture on the greatness of the United 
 States. I would like to have you or any 
 other member of the faculty kindly sug- 
 gest to me the best book on each of the 
 following series : The United States is 
 great spiritually, morally, intellectually, 
 aesthetically, historically, geographically, 
 scientifically, industrially, commercially, 
 financially, economically, politically, 
 legally in law internationally in its 
 internal relations socially, domestically 
 comforts in the home the American 
 family lives more comfortably than any 
 other family in any country. This may 
 be a little confusing, but I want to trea 
 
138 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 the subject fully. Thanking you in 
 advance." 
 
 In many libraries it is the custom to 
 sell periodicals that are not required for 
 filing purposes, as soon as they become 
 out-of-date. The writer of the following 
 letter evidently wanted to make sure of 
 getting full value for his outlay. His 
 offer, by the way, was declined. 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I beg to tender the follow- 
 ing offer for periodicals in Reading Room 
 after their withdrawal from use, viz. : 
 
 The Connoisseur (publ. at Is.) Id. per copy. 
 The Studio (publ. at Is.) Id. 
 Nineteenth Century (publ. at &s. 6d.) 
 
 Id. per copy. 
 
 Of course it is understood that the copies 
 shall be in a reasonably good condition." 
 
 The italics are ours. 
 
LIBRARIAN'S CORRESPONDENCE 139 
 
 The aspersion cast on the novelists 
 mentioned in the following note, was 
 quite unintentional : 
 
 " SIR, Please send me one of the follow- 
 ing Lady Audley's Secret, by Miss 
 Braddon; Trilby, by Du Maurier ; The 
 Manxman, by Hall Caine ; The Woman 
 in White, by Collins ; East Lynne, by 
 Mrs Wood. 
 
 " If these are out, please send me a good 
 novel." 
 
 There are bound to be dissatisfied 
 readers in every library, no matter how 
 well or how ill that library is stocked ; 
 but the writer of the following epistle, in 
 seeking to emphasize his protest, only 
 succeeds in weakening it : 
 
 " DEAR SIR, I believe you invite sug- 
 gestions from readers. May I suggest 
 
140 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 that on November 5th next you make a 
 bonfire of your books, and get in a stock 
 of new books. I have had out some works 
 of fiction that were written fifty years 
 ago." 
 
 We leave the reader to judge whether 
 this revolutionary policy would be quite 
 fair to the memory of such novelists as 
 Dickens, Thackeray, Scott, Lytton, Balzac, 
 Dumas, and other standard writers of the 
 nineteenth century. 
 
POT POURRI 
 
 " The piebald miscellany " 
 
 PUZZLING notice on outside of Entrance 
 Door of library : " Please keep this door 
 closed." 
 
 Elderly Lady (entering library and 
 thrusting her lap-dog into the arms of an 
 astonished attendant}. " Please hold my 
 dog while I go in to change my books ; 
 I see the notice says, ' Dogs are not 
 admitted.' " 
 
 Select " Guide Cards," in an open access 
 library : 
 
 About to Borrow. 
 Cable to Disraeli. 
 Page to Reade. 
 Reade to Steel. 
 
 141 
 
142 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Male Borrower (holding out to Lady 
 Assistant the latest novelty in bookmarks). 
 " Please, miss, I wish you would tell some 
 of your lady readers not to leave their 
 fringe-nets in the books. I found a hair- 
 pin in my last book, and a fringe-net in 
 this one, and my wife is getting a bit 
 suspicious." 
 
 At a library at Hull a young girl was 
 heard to whisper to her sister : " Don't 
 get one of Miss Braddon's books. Ma 
 will want to read it, and we shall have to 
 wash up the supper things." 
 
 It was the custom of a young woman, 
 employed in a hat factory, to borrow two 
 books from the library. On a certain 
 evening she selected only one, saying : 
 " I will only take one to-night, as I am 
 going to church, and I don't want to go 
 in looking like a librarian," 
 
POT POURRI 143 
 
 An ingenious and prophetic librarian 
 in the United States posted the following 
 notice over a collection of books : " Books 
 by our next President." The collection 
 included books by all three candidates. 
 
 FOB LIBRARIANS ONLY. School of Arts. 
 Written applications, with references, to 
 close 7 P.M. on the 7th instant, are invited 
 for the position of Caretaker, Librarian, 
 and Billiard Marker. Salary, 39 per 
 annum, fuel, light, and quarters. Married 
 couple preferred. 
 
 Borrower (addressing lady assistant). 
 " Will you please give me the book I left 
 here this morning. I forget the name 
 of it." 
 
 Assistant. " Who attended to you ? 
 The librarian ? " 
 
 Borrower. " Oh, no ! It was a gentle- 
 man ! " 
 
144 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Absent-minded Borrower. " Who is the 
 author of Scott's < Marmion ' ? " 
 
 Defaulting Borrower (coming from bank 
 into library). " How much interest have 
 I to pay on this book ? " 
 
 Another defaulter substituted for " fine " 
 the word " forfeit," which, although 
 similar in meaning, is suggestive of " bit- 
 ing an inch from the end of a poker," 
 and " measuring love-lace," rather than 
 hard cash. 
 
 A would-be borrower, on being asked 
 whether he wanted a fiction or non-fiction 
 ticket, replied quite seriously, " a con- 
 viction." 
 
 Notice " Will the gentleman who took 
 a horn-handled umbrella from the stand 
 on Wednesday kindly return it to the 
 librarian ? " Underneath was pencilled : 
 " Certainly not ; weather still unsettled." 
 
POT POURRI 145 
 
 In a reference library a reader filled in 
 a form for Calvin's Commentary on Job. 
 It is an old book rarely asked for, and is 
 kept in an out-of-the-way corner of the 
 building. Some time elapsed before the 
 assistant appeared with the book ; mean- 
 while the chief assistant, noticing the 
 man at the counter, asked him what he 
 wanted. " I'm waiting for a commen- 
 tary on Job, but the fellow appears to 
 have a job in getting it," was the 
 reply. 
 
 Fiction Reader. " Have you one of 
 0-u-i-da's books ? " 
 
 The library assistant is always oblig- 
 ing. If proof of this is needed it is to be 
 found in the following incident : 
 Borrower. "Have you Who's Who?" 
 Assistant. " No, sir ; but we have 
 Every Man's Own Lawyer" 
 
146 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Motto for a Reference Library. " Six and 
 eightpence saved at every consultation." 
 
 Librarian (to visitor who is infringing 
 the rules by smoking). " If you want to 
 smoke here you must go outside." 
 
 Begging-Letter Writer (who has been 
 plying his trade at the students' 1 table 
 and is interrupted). " Wot's free libraries 
 for, I should like ter know. I'll write 
 ter Mr Camejee abaht this." 
 
 Motto for Public Newsroom. " Abandon 
 soap ye may not enter here." 
 
 Lady (coming out of public reading 
 room, to friend). " What a relief, now 
 one can talk ! " 
 
 " Is that a picture of Bonaparte ? " 
 asked an inquiring reader. " Oh, no," 
 replied the new library assistant, " that's 
 a portrait of Napoleon." 
 
POT POURRI 147 
 
 Dignified sub-librarian, clean-shaven, 
 enters reference library and is approached 
 by lady. " Do you know anything of 
 my copy of Homer that I left here," said 
 the lady. "No," replied the dignified 
 official. "Oh, it doesn't matter," said 
 the lady, " I expect the other boy will 
 know." 
 
 Sub-librarian feels six inches shorter 
 in height. 
 
 Visitor at Seaside Resort (to librarian) : 
 " It may be a very nice book, but look 
 what an atrocious cover it has ; haven't 
 you one bound in saxe-blue to match my 
 costume ? I really couldn't take a 
 scarlet-covered book on to the promenade ; 
 people would mistake me for a salvation 
 army lassie." 
 
 Borrower. " Will you give me a good 
 author, please ? One with large print." 
 
148 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 SUGGESTED MENU FOR A LIBRARIAN'S 
 DINNER. 
 
 Savouries. 
 Devilled Brains. 
 
 Soups. 
 
 Red Pot(t)age a la Cholmondeley. 
 Thicker than Water a la Payn. 
 
 Fish. 
 
 Salmon (British Empire). 
 Hake (Paris Originals). 
 
 Entree. 
 Heart of Midlothian. 
 
 Removes. 
 
 Roast Lamb. Boiled Bacon. 
 Chateau(briand) Potatoes. 
 Greens (Short History). 
 
 Sweets. 
 
 Tremendous Trifles a la Chesterton. 
 Lemon (Mark) Cream. 
 
 Dessert. 
 
 Dead Sea Fruit (Braddon). 
 Fruit between the Leaves (Wynter). 
 
 Indigestion. 
 
POT POURRI 149 
 
 A Forecast. There was a knock at the 
 front door, and the young people slid up 
 the moving stairway, anticipating the 
 parcel of books delivered each morning 
 by the public library aeroplane service. 
 They returned disconsolate; it was only 
 the sterilized milk. " You youngsters 
 don't know what hardships are," said the 
 elderly uncle, " when I was a lad, back 
 in 1913, I used to get up at nine o'clock 
 in the morning, and walk the length of 
 the street to get a book from a Carnegie 
 library." 
 
 Country Gentleman (mistaking public 
 library for the post office, and dropping 
 Utter into box) to janitor. " I hope it 
 will go off to-night, young man." 
 
 Juvenile Messenger (to lady librarian). 
 " Please will you give father The Kiss of 
 Helen." 
 
150 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 " Half the books in this library are not 
 worth reading," said a disagreeable, hyper- 
 critical, novel-satiated woman. " Read 
 the other half, then," advised a bystander. 
 
 Novel Reader. " Have you any books 
 printed by Marie Corelli ? " 
 
 Applicant. " Please give me a joiner's 
 form." (This is not related in any way 
 to carpentry.) 
 
 It was the custom at a certain South 
 London public lending library to call out 
 the names of the borrowers as the books 
 were ready to hand out. A borrower 
 named Ellis failed to answer, whereupon 
 the assistant called out, " Ellis, where 
 art thou ? " The dilatory borrower then 
 came forward, greatly exasperated, and 
 reported the assistant. The chief libra- 
 rian, however, possessed the saving grace, 
 
POT POURRI 151 
 
 and the assistant was well, bidden to 
 be careful of his jokes. 
 
 Library Borrower (reporting damage). 
 " The cover on this book is damaged ; 
 my dog has torn it off and swallowed it ! " 
 
 A reader once asked for a book on 
 Early Britain. " Will Church's do," said 
 the librarian. "No," replied the bor- 
 rower, " general history, please." 
 
 Illiterate Borrower. " Where do you keep 
 the books on sickology (Psychology) ? " 
 
 In the suggestion box of a library, the 
 staff of which is mainly comprised of 
 members of the gentler sex, the following 
 modest proposal was placed : " That, as 
 a special favour, a grateful borrower might 
 be allowed to kiss all the members of 
 the staff." The suggestion was declined. 
 
152 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Query : Did " grateful borrower " enclose 
 his photograph. 
 
 Lady (who has come rather late to the 
 library lecture, and is unable to obtain 
 a seat). " Disgraceful ! They ought not 
 to be allowed to advertise them so much." 
 
 Hebrew Proprietor of Circulating Library 
 (inspecting volume returned). " See here, 
 there is a hole on page 19 of my beautiful 
 book and there's another on page 20 ! " 
 
 A PARALLEL 
 
 Life is a volume, so they say, 
 And each page in it is a day. 
 
 'Tween covers all our days we crowd ; 
 The blanket first, and last the shroud. 
 
 Glued to the " round " we crease and 
 
 fray, 
 Some leaves and sections break away. 
 
POT POURRI 153 
 
 In paper, cloth, or leather dressed, 
 The shoddiest binding looks the best. 
 
 Some but as pamphlets they go home, 
 And some a thick and heavy tome. 
 
 But few, or thick, or thin, I ween, 
 Show binding sound and pages clean. 
 
 Dog-eared and torn, and rubbed and 
 
 wan, 
 We meet the Great Librarian. 
 
 Ranged on his shelves, a battered crew, 
 Fit for the dust-heap, I and you. 
 
 M. Bantru, when travelling in Spain, 
 was presented to King Philip III., who 
 asked him if he had seen the Escurial. 
 "Yes, sire," replied Bantru. " Well, 
 what do you think of the library ? " the 
 
154 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 King asked. " I think, sire, that you 
 should make your librarian Minister of 
 Finances." " Why ? " inquired the King. 
 " Because," replied Bantru, " he has 
 never touched anything entrusted to his 
 
 care." 
 
 An American Hibernianism. " My ex- 
 perience with public libraries is that the 
 first volume of the book I inquire for is 
 out, unless I happen to want the second, 
 when that is out." Holmes. Poet at the 
 Breakfast Table. 
 
 Borrower (taking Brownings Poems in 
 error). " Here, take this back, please ; 
 a hymn book is no use to me." 
 
 A Paradox. Melvil Dewey, the well- 
 known American librarian, said : "To my 
 thinking, a great librarian must have a 
 
POT POURRI 155 
 
 clear head, a strong hand, and, above all, 
 a great heart. Such shall be greatest 
 among librarians ; and, when I look into 
 the future, I am inclined to think that 
 most of the men who will achieve this 
 greatness will be women." 
 
 Extract from Country Newspaper: 
 
 " The Library will close for two 
 
 weeks, beginning August 25th, for the 
 annual cleaning and vacation of the 
 librarians." 
 
 Reader (thinking of recent aeroplane 
 accident). " Have you Darwin's Descent 
 on Man?" 
 
 Proud Councillor (showing visitor over 
 library, and pointing to bookshelves). 
 " This is where we keep the books." 
 Visitor, to whom this fact is very obvious, 
 
156 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 tries to assume an expression of wonder- 
 ment. 
 
 Borrower (returning book). " Please give 
 me the same book by another author." 
 
 Patron of the Drama. " Can I see some of 
 Macbeth's works ? " (Shakespeare insulted 
 again.) 
 
 Printers' Errors. In a book of poetry 
 there occurred the line, " See the pale 
 martyr in a sheet of fire." In its printed 
 form it appeared as " See the pale martyr 
 with his shirt on fire." 
 
 One of the characters in a temperance 
 novel was intended by the author to say, 
 " drunkenness is folly " ; the printer 
 rendered it, " drunkenness is jolly." 
 
 Reader (returning " Tom Jones "). " This 
 book is not fit to be in the library. It's 
 
POT POURRT 157 
 
 disgraceful that it should be lent to 
 readers." 
 
 Librarian. " I'm sorry. We have one or 
 two other books by the same author." 
 
 Reader (eagerly). " Are they in ? Please 
 let me have one." 
 
 Borrower. " Is the Pilgrim's Progress 
 in?" 
 
 Librarian. " No, it's out." 
 
 Borrower. " Oh, well, give me one of 
 Mark Twain's or W. W. Jacobs'." 
 
 In a case tried recently before a London 
 magistrate, it was stated that a detective 
 disguised himself as a library assistant 
 in order to track down his quarry. The 
 character of the disguise was not revealed ; 
 it may have been that the detective merely 
 hid his feet behind a book- stack. 
 
 Binks. " Who's that nervous old man 
 over there with the worried look ? " 
 
158 LIBRARY JOKES AND JOTTINGS 
 
 Jinks. " That's Moneybags the richest 
 man in the town." 
 
 BinJcs. " What makes him look so 
 worried ? " 
 
 Jinks. " Why, he's afraid that Andrew 
 Carnegie will give us a library, and the 
 council will levy a penny rate to support it." 
 
 Love in the Library. The assistant in 
 charge of the reference department of a 
 certain library noticed that a particular 
 book was regularly perused, day after 
 day, by a young man and a young woman 
 alternately. They scarcely ever missed 
 putting in an appearance, but their visits 
 never coincided. The curiosity of the 
 assistant was aroused, and one day he 
 made a careful examination of the volume 
 in question. He then discovered that, 
 by the aid of what was evidently a pre- 
 arranged code, the couple had been using 
 
POT POURRI 159 
 
 the book as a medium of communication 
 with one another. Selected letters, words, 
 and (in some instances) whole sentences 
 had been underlined in such a way as to 
 spell out, when strung together, a very 
 good imitation of a regular love letter. 
 
PRINTED BT 
 
 TCRNBCLL AN1> SPSARS, 
 XDIXBCKGH 
 
14 DAY USE 
 
 RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED 
 
 I BRAR^ 
 
 This book is due on the last date stamped below, or 
 
 on the date to which renewed. 
 Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. 
 
 SENT ON ILL 
 
 AUG 1 9 1S5 
 
 l sgfrg 
 
 MOV 2: AUG8 1966 
 
 RECEiV-ED 
 
 AUG9 '66-lP 
 
 21J96S 
 
 MAR 1 n 1995 
 
 U. C. BERKELEY 
 
 LD 21-100r-6,'56 
 LD21-100 (B9311slO)476 
 
 General Library 
 University of Califon 
 Berkeley 
 
Y.B 66432 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY