OOPS AN' DOONS, 
 
 AN' 
 
 SAVIN'S AN' DOIN'S 
 
 0' 
 
 MOTHY GOORKRODGER, 
 
 HIS AUDDEEAMF, AN' DARTER MEARY, 
 
 A' 
 
 BONNYBECK 
 
 SCARBRO' 
 
 HARROGAIT 
 
 KNARESBRO 5 
 
 LEEADS 
 
 FOONTIN'S ABBEY 
 
 Y ARK 
 
 DONCAASTER 
 
 SHEVVILD 
 
 AN' ITHIR PLEEACES 
 
 WITH A 
 
 COPIOUS GLOSSARY. 
 
 
 
 
 CON, KNAIi 
 
 PRICE ONE SHILLING. 

 
 OOPS AN' DOONS, 
 
 AN' 
 
 SAYIN'S AN' COIN'S 
 
 TIMOTHY GOORKRODGER, 
 
 HIS 
 
 AUD DEEAME, AN' DARTER MEARY. 
 
 A' WHOAME AN' ABKOAD. 
 
 ENTERED AT STATTONERS' HALL. 
 
 PRINTED FOB THE AUTHOE, F. M. FETHEBSTON, JtNABESBBO', 
 YOBKSHIBE. 
 
 PEICE ONE SHILLING.
 
 INTRODUKSHUN. 
 
 ADDRESS TIT EEEADEE. 
 
 Asia iwer been i' t' village o' Bonny^ecTi ? Iv thou hast, thou'lt 
 know a' aboot it ; iv thou hasna, thou'lt know naught. Jist as 
 thou com'st intul t' pleeace, thur's a' broo o' t' left hond, an' a neeat 
 staan-built cot or twea perched heigh oop, wi' pratty gardens an' a 
 few aud elm treeas aroond 'em t' shelter 'em loike. A lahtle further 
 on, thur's a varry aud church, wi' a low square toor an' a graave- 
 yerd roond aboot wi' mony a staan aboon mony a guid an' mony a 
 lad Christian ; an' oft t' moast praaise is poot ower t' bad mair's 
 t' pity. 
 
 Weel, yoh mun goa acrass kirkyerd, alang graavel paath, an' throf 
 white yat. T' rest o' t' village, an' t' chaapel where t' Methodises 
 meeat, ligs further doon t' rooad, by t' pooblic hoose ; bud iv ony 
 yan waants t' sea mah ferme, he mun, as ah saaid, goa oot o' yat 
 an' intul pasthur. Yoh mun folly paath mebby hawf a mahle, tull 
 yoh coom tit Beck Tallymen toombled in : bigow, ah laf a' it noo ! 
 Meend hoo ye crass plaank its none o' t' strangest an' smoothest ; 
 then gang alang paath reight straait forrad, an' t' aud weeather- 
 beeten ferm wi' t' lairs, wi' lichens an' moss growin' atop, is mah 
 whoame. Iv yoh sea Deame or Meary, they'll tell 'ee thou'rt welcome as 
 t' floors o' May ; bud iv it be na moorn, or neight, or feedin' toime 
 a' nean, yoh'll no sea ma ! 
 
 Ah've spoken oot, ah knaw, i' mah buk ah meeans no offence t' 
 ony yan ah'm neea greeat scholard ; bud ah knows reight fra 
 wrang, an' iv ah sea wrang taakin' t' pleeace o' reight, ah mun cree 
 oot, " Coom oot o' that ! ah'll no staand still an' sea that !" An' ah 
 whope t' deay'll coom whin iwery Englishmen wull do t' saame ! 
 
 Yours t' command, 
 
 TIMOTHY GOORKEODGEB. 
 
 TAAKE NOTIDGE. 
 
 Iv t' pooblic loike mah buk, ah wull wreet agin, an' gie some more 
 o' mah nooations an' oops an' doons i' this waarld o' oors. 
 
 T. G. 
 
 2108776
 
 CONTINTS OV MAH BUK, 
 
 Paage. 
 
 Meary an' t' Melisha Chap I 
 
 Oor Ootin' at Scarbro' 7 
 
 Aud Deeame an' Tallymen 20 
 
 Mah Cloob Deay a' Foontain's Abbey..., 24 
 T' Noorsesarry Goovertess a' Fermer 
 
 Yapham's 31 
 
 A Weeak at Harrogait .... 38 
 
 Aud Knaaresbro T' Droppin' Well 
 
 Caastle an' Ugin Aram's Cav' .... 50 
 Ah Goa Tiv Doncaaster Raaces, an' Git 
 
 Mobbed an' Robbed Treein' t' Foot 
 
 Wrang Reight ... .... 59 
 
 Meary Gangs Mooshroomin' an' t' Ind 
 
 ov it 70 
 
 Ah Visit Smooaky Leeads, an' Mak mah 
 
 Reflekshims on mony Soights an' mony 
 
 Things ... 76
 
 CONTINTS. 
 
 Yark Stattis 87 
 
 Mah F eight wi' T' Greeat Boreal * .... 96 
 Lawyer Graaball an' Blaack Dick's Tom 
 
 Cat 103 
 
 Ah Git Amang t' Shevvild Blaades .... 106 
 Ah Goa Doon intul a Bairnsla Cooal Pit, 
 
 an' Git Weel Paaid fer mah Fond 
 
 Laark 123 
 
 Hoo Squeer Foot t' Quaacks oop an' 
 
 Foots a Quaack doon 133 
 
 Ah'm Taen an' Taen in by a Fotty- 
 
 graapher 135 
 
 Bonnybeck Penney Reeadin's 140 
 
 A Hit at T' Waakfield Foaks 144 
 
 T' Pooet Lawihaate's " Proputty, Proputty, 
 
 Proputty" 146 
 
 g^tfijttpn Ah Tree t' Cauld Watter 
 
 Sistim at Bin Rhyddin', Whaarfe- 
 
 daale, an' Git Cuered by a Maad 
 
 Attindint again mah Wull ... .. 150 
 A Few Remairks aboot Hallifax an' 
 
 Hoodersfield 160 
 
 NOTE. The chief occurrences mentioned in this article are facts.
 
 CONTINTS. 
 
 Langrick's Letter fra Hool 163 
 
 Mah Noations on a' soarts ov Subjix, 
 naamely : 
 
 Reights ov Womon lOjf 
 
 Oor Doomed Saillers lOo 
 
 Waar an' Felghtin' .... 169 
 
 Emnilgraashun ... ... >. > I */O 
 
 Baacl Traade 1 7^ 
 
 Pooir Foaka an' Traamps 17* 
 
 Mah Laast Wards tiv Mah Reeaders .... 172 
 Mah Varry Laast Wards 173 
 
 POASTE SKRIPT. 
 
 Foaks tell ma ah doan't allus spill t' saame waay. Ah 
 knaw that weel enuf. Ah canna at a' toimes wret aloike- 
 Noosepappers, buks, Penney Reeadins, skeulmeaster, 
 sarmons gie ma freash wards an' freash spellin', an' ah'v 
 beein i' mony pairts ov Yarkshure, an' ha' possed oop t' 
 lingo a bit, ah daare saay ; bud doant'ee leuk oot fer 
 mistaakes ; leuke oot fer t' sinse : that'll poot a' t' wrang 
 wards reight, ah'm seer ! Gooid bye ! 
 
 N.B. ONY WUN CON HA' MAH BUK POASTE IEEE FER 14 QUEEANS YEDS. 
 
 HEIGHT OV TRAAXSLASHUN RESARVED.
 
 OOPS AN' BOONS, 
 
 AN' SAYIN'S AN'DOIN'S 0' TIMOTHY GOORIEODGEB. 
 
 MEARY AN' T' MELISHA CHAP. 
 
 A ] 
 
 H donna disloike sogers and sogerin' i' thur proper 
 pleeace. Ah loikes t' see 'em marchin' an' paradin' 
 aboot thur own barrax, or on a laarge common, mebbe, 
 loike Harrogaate Stray, bud whin you've gotten foive or six 
 fellows i' red cooates, who eat loike Fussikers i' yer oon 
 hoose, why then ah say it isna noice or pleeasant. 
 
 Weel, t' Melisha wur oot last May twelvemoonth, an' 
 Aunt Bessie (she keeps a potshop, an' canna abear t' ha' 
 her pleeace ony waays oot o' order), bein' a lone widdy 
 wi' twea big bairns o' boys t' feead, thinks she con git a 
 lahtle brass takin' a few o' t' chaps t' lodge, an' vittal. 
 They hadna room i' t' toon for a' t' men, soa sum cam' 
 t' Bonnybeck. They mad' a bargaan t' paay at moonth's 
 indfor lodgin', weshin', an' cookin' ; an' varry glad Aunt 
 Bessie wur t' git 'em t' coom, bud she wur a precious 
 soight gladder for 'em t' goa ; for, what wi' roisterin', 
 an' feightin', an' smashin' o' crockery, an' laate hoors, an' 
 eeatin' an' drinkin' a' deay, her whoame wur no whoame 
 at a', an' she'd no peeace neight or deay, or pleeace tiv 
 hersel. Them Melisha chaps sang ivery blessed Lunnun 
 sang they'd gotten hod ov sin they wur babbies, an' as 
 lood as iver they cud ; yoh'd ha' heerd 'em a mahle off, 
 ah'll be bund. Then they'd feigbt jist for feightin's saake, 
 an' then they'd mak' it oop an' git gallons o' yal, an' git 
 droonk and feight agin, tull Aunt Bessie wur fairly kraised 
 loike wi' 'em ; an' bud for her brass a' moonth's ind, wud 
 ha' sooin ha' sint t' whole lot oot a' deers. 
 
 Weel, sum o' t' chaps wur not soa bad as t' rest, one o' 
 them i' partickular wur a noice free speakin' chap, an' he 
 oops tiv oor Meary fra t' furst deay, an' he says : " Ah'v
 
 a crooel Feyther, mees ; he's rollin' i" muney, an' he'd gie 
 ma gowpins o' gowd if ah'd marry as he loikes ; bud ah'll 
 nivir wed whur mah heart isna ;" an' he soighed an' 
 leuked sheeap's eeys at Meary. " She's and an' ugly as 
 ah'm t' marry ; an' ah'v roon awa' t' larn sogerin' ; an' 
 sum deay, when ah knaws mah dooty, mah sister wi' 
 mak' it oop for ma wi' Feyther ; an' he'll git ma mad' an' 
 officier i' t' army." 
 
 Weel, mah conshunce, Meary tuk' tiv him quite sudden 
 loike ; he didna drink an' feight loike t' others ; he'd walk 
 sentimental loike (as skeualmeaster said) ov an' evenin', 
 an' he spake weel enuf, an' he leuked weel enuf i' his red 
 coaat, t' cotch ony coontry lass. 
 
 Mah aud Deeame didna loike him tho', and gat lungus 
 ower him, an' ah spoke caushus loike t' Meary; hud 
 lawkes, its na use speeakin' t' giddy yung coofs, who 
 think "foine feeathers mak' foine hirds," an' that they'v 
 gat mair sinse in thur yeds than a' t' aud foaks i' t' warld. 
 Meary 'd git donned oot in her bonny breead-ratch'd 
 gownd, an' goa alang t' lones an' field paaths wi' her 
 sweeataart be mooinleight, an' coom whoame lik' a feeol, 
 prattin' o' officiers, an' ginerals, an' field marshuls. Thin 
 she'd leuk oot ony sang she cud feend i' t' sang buk 
 aboot sogers, an' sing " T Soger's teear," "Adoo! adoo! mah 
 only luv, mah honour caws ma fra thee" T Captain wC f 
 whiskers" an' ah donna know how mony mair. Whoile 
 them Melisha chaps wur at Aunt Bessie's, a' t' weshin 1 
 an' hoose cleeanin' wur lift t' Deeame an' oor lass Nancey ; 
 Meary did naught bud floornt aboot an' sing. 
 
 Wun daay, whin t' fire wint oot fer waant o' eldin, 
 an' Meary sittin' by it, Deeame caw'd her a big, idle 
 gawvison, an' banged her soondly. Ah didna loike this 
 at a'. Meary wur dree an' dowly ower it, and varry 
 lahtle wi' mak a yung donnot gang wrang ; soa ah tould 
 Deeame my nooations aboot Meary. Says ah, " Deeame, 
 steyk t' deer whin yoh skeual Meary, an' dinna let foaks 
 heer yoh, an' fleer at her. Eeight's reight, and wrang's 
 wrang, bud you're misteean, Deame, iv yoh think t' fleet 
 oor Meary fra wrang t' reight ; mebby yoh'd mitch 
 sooner wind her oop gently loike. She's coom'd o' age, (says
 
 8 
 
 ah), an' a prood yung lass she be, an' she weeant be drove 
 oot o' any yat loike a tike. Nivvir baang t' lass, Deeame, 
 ah donnat hod wi' baangin' big bairns, or mebby she'll 
 leeave whoame wi' her soger, an' we'll freeat loife-lang 
 tull we dee aboot her." 
 
 Ali'm nobbut a small fermer, mah kye's milk addles 
 moast o' mah brass. Ah'v hed lahtle eddicashun at 
 skeual ; bud ah knaws wheeat fra whoates, an' a slam 
 pieace o' waark whin ah sees it, an' ah'v used t' eeys and 
 sinsis God has gien ma ; an' whin ah sees t' cleear, 
 straaight paath o' dooty, ah'll tree t' walk i' it. Weel, ah 
 saaid mitch mair t' Deeame aboot Meary, an' she let her 
 a bee a bit, a' bud coomin' whoame sooin a' neights ; an' 
 Deeame an' ah wur o' wun moind aboot this, fer ah 
 wudna let a lass o' moine gang oot o' neights. Meary 
 saw we wur reight, an' gave in. 
 
 Weel, t' coortship wint on. Meary saaid, " ony wun 
 cud sea her sweeataart war wun o' t' better soart ; an (says 
 she) he'll congker his crooel Feyther soom deay, an' ha' 
 his reights, an' wed ma instead o' t' aud woman." Meary 
 did booast a bit aboot bein' an officier's leedy " when 
 Charley," as she caw'd him, " made it oop a' whoame." 
 Ah thought it part mud be true ; ah'd yeard o' yung 
 fellows roonin' awaay fra whoame, an' listin', an' a' sorts 
 o' things ; bud Deeame shook her yed, an', says she, " Thy 
 Charley's been a' Lunnun, an' has gotten a bit o' polish 
 loike ; he con talk loike a nanpie, an' is heigh i' his boots, 
 but donna be meead a feeol of, Meary. Ah'd sooiner see 
 thee haanged on rekken creeak than shed rahves ower 
 thee as t' fleer o' a fause teeastrill." 
 
 Meary, hooivir, wur confident i' hursel, an' giggled wi' 
 consait loike ; an' says, " Nivir heed, mither, ah'll ha' t' 
 gowd ring on at t' kirk seer enuf ; an' afore coorn's ripe. 
 Charley's gien ma his trooth, an' he's fand enuf o' ma t' 
 mak ma his woife ony deay ! Maund iv ah donna ha' a' 
 fortoon wi' gowd raain' on ma i' clusters, an' get t' laf 
 yet at a' t' foak," an' t' pooir thing raan oop t' broo t' 
 meet her soger laddie, as she caw'd him, loike a young 
 filly fresh i' t' pasthur. 
 
 Pooir William Oakworth, her aud sweeathert, wur
 
 quite put oot noo. He's a decent chap is William, an' as 
 clivir a bond at leea or ploo, an' con addle as mitch as 
 ony mon i' t' West Keedin'. His feyther, aud Oakworth, 
 has a' his loife been puttin' stoof oot tiv t' best advantaage, 
 an' he's gaained a guid bit o' brass. He's t' best ind o' a 
 hoondred sheeap, three coos, an' twinty acres o' lond ; he's 
 a dry coostumer, an' taks care o' t' odd ind, he doa. 
 Meary sint William away sharp, an' wud floornt aboot 
 wi' her " soger laddie " reight past pooir William's 
 whoame. This wasna reight, an' ah toold Meary soa, bud 
 she says, " it sarred him reight t' late her, an' be crack 
 on her, whin she didna waant him, or ony coontry ploo-boy 
 loike him." "Ha! puir thing," says ah, "you may 'gang 
 foorther an' faare wus' than hovin' an honest coontrymon 
 like yer feyther for a husband. Think o' t' aud sang yer 
 grond dad used t' sing tiv yob whin a wee bairn : 
 
 " T' collyer had a darter, 
 
 An' she wur wondrous bonny, 
 A laird he wur that soort her, 
 
 Eich baith i' londs an' muney. 
 
 She wadna ha' a laird, 
 
 Nor wad she be a ladie, 
 Bud she wad ha' a collyer, 
 
 T' coollur o' her daddie." 
 
 " That wur a sinsible lass," says ah, " ah wish thou'st 
 copy her, Meary." "Hoo yoh talk, Feyther," says she, 
 " ah wadna let mesel doon. Iv ah con be a ladie ah 
 wull." 
 
 " Weel, weel," says ah, " you mun gang yer own gate, 
 bud git t' gowd ring on t' finger onyhow ; donna breeak 
 puir aud mither's heart, or leeave whoame for ony pleeace 
 bud kirk," an' t' teear wur i' mah ee. Meary saw it, an' 
 kissed ma, an' promised she'd be caushus loike ; ah know 
 she's a guid lass at bottom, but a bit yedstraang, loike 
 mony other lasses these deays 
 
 Weel, t' inspecshun o' Melisha cam' on, an' Giueral saaid 
 they wur a' foine fellows, an' nearly equal t' rig'lars. 
 Aunt Bessie gaet moast o' her brass ; she'd to tak' sum 
 shirts, hose, an' boots t' rnak' oop, bud they paaid 
 honorable, an' she gat rid o' her sogers jist before she wur
 
 5 
 
 fit for Waakfield .* Meary wur heart brack leavin' her 
 " soger laddie." He sed he mun be off t' caatch early 
 traain by 4 o' t' clock i' t' moorn, an' wished her guid bye 
 t' neight afore. He sed he'd wreet tiv her, an' coom an' 
 fetch her wun deay wi' a coaach an' paair tiv his Feyther's 
 coontry hoose. A' that deay an' nixt, Meary wur acreein' 
 an' singin' " Oh whoor, an' oh whoor is mah soger laddie 
 gaen ?" tull Deeame took oop t' dolly t' baang at her 
 behoind winterhedge, whur she wur sittin', an' mad' her 
 stoppin'. Then Meary sang, 
 
 " Twea hearts thur's breeakin', 
 Twea sowls thur's shaakin', 
 This dowly moorn ; 
 No mair koind learkin', 
 They'v fled whoile speeakin', 
 Whoapes newly boorn. " 
 
 "Meary, thoult drive ma niaad," says Deame, "weeant 
 thee hod thy tongue ? ah'll breeak thy beeans iv thou 
 dostna !" An' Meary says, " Ah carena iv thou dost, 
 mither, noo mah tru luv he is gaen." "Hang thee tru 
 luv, an' thee too, for a paair of donnots," says Deeame ; 
 " Asta windered t' coorn." " Noa," says Meary, " dusta 
 think ah con waark t' deay whin mah tru luv he is gaen?" 
 Deeame oop wi' t' dolly stick an' mad' a hit forrad. 
 Meary bobbed her yed, an' dolly wint baang through t' 
 windy, wi' a lood smash. A' t' foaks roond aboot cam' 
 runnin' t' sea t' foon. 
 
 Ah bleemed Deeame soondly fer her bonny fling. 
 " Prethe," says she, " hod thy tongue, thou'rt as bad as 
 she, and noo mah temper's oop, mebby ah'll gie thee a 
 toorn." Ah says t' Meary, " Gowa till yer mither's a bit 
 cool loike. Ah a'most think wi' Ned Hazleyed, he's best 
 off who's not bothered wi' no womin koind, they sa sane 
 git sit oop ;" an' ah took mah rooad an' wint off oot o' t' 
 hoose. Ah loike peeace in mah whoame better nor a 
 feeast, an' iv ah'v nubbot a loomp o' brid, as ah tell 'urn, 
 gi ma peeace tiv it. Ah nivvir quarrel wi' Deeame, its nae 
 use, we mun mak' it oop agin ; iv she's lungus, ah leeave 
 her tull she's sweeat timpered agin. 
 
 * The West Eiding Lunatic Asylum is at Wakefield.
 
 6 
 
 Weel, hahvist toime cam' roond, but nae gowd ring on 
 Meary's finger, an' nae letter, an' nae cooach an' horses 
 t' fetch her. Bud she held oop ; it wur t' poastmon's 
 mistaake, or Charley wur at whoame makin' it oop wi' 
 his Feyther ; an' wud coom yet, an' soa forth. Weel, 
 Meary wur so sad a' whoame at last, ah thought a 
 chaange wud doa her guid, an' ah tuk her an' Deeame t' 
 Leeads by 'xcurshun. Ah'd bizness thur as ah ha' 
 soomtoimes. We wur a walkin' aboot roond new 
 Infirmary ; an' it is a foine buildin' nae doubt, an' cleean 
 leukin', but it'll sooin be as blaack as its neebours, ah 
 think, the smoak spoils a'. We had toorned oop a sma' 
 streeat t' waay tiv moor, whin ah yeard a voice ah knew 
 creein' oot, " Ony and raags an 1 boones ;" an' oh mah eeys ! 
 ah cud'nt believe mah senses, thur wur Meary's " soger 
 laddie" in a dirty raaged cooat, a broken aud beaver haat, 
 an' a stinkin' seek acrass his shoolders, a creein' oot 
 looder an' looder, " Ony and raags or boones." 
 
 Meary saw him ; Deeame didna ; an' t' chap didna sea 
 us. Meary squeedged mah aarm, as much as to saay, 
 " Donna speeak, Feyther," an' ah didna ; ah pitied her too 
 mitch, poor thing, she leuked sae paale an' wae begone ; 
 bud she bore oop weel, an' better efter ah asked Pollis, 
 an' they telled ma Charley had a woife and twea bairns, 
 oop a coort i' Kirkgate ; an' were a low, lazy sort o' chap, 
 who mud doa beeater, an' wur t' biggest lear i' Leeads ; an' 
 thur's mony a big on' thur ! That luv' affair chaanged 
 an' sobered Meary a guid bit ; she dropped a' her soger 
 Bangs an' a' mention o' Charley, t' Deeam's greeat wonder- 
 ment an' ah'v whoapes sum deay William Oakworth 
 an' her wull mak it oop, an' be mad' one ; bud ah keeaps 
 mah thoughts t' mesel, an' leeaves toime t' wark a' things 
 roon an' straaight for t' best. Ah found oot Charley, 
 whin t' Melisha left, wint off at 4 o'clock i' t' moorn, i' 
 aud raags sike as we saw him in i' Leeads. He's a 
 raank teeastrill.
 
 OOK OOTIN' AT SCABBED', 
 
 Aud Deeame gat seeapoot oot by oor Meary's coortship, 
 an' felt seea weeak loike i' t' insoide, she says one deay, 
 "Ah'll tell'ee what, Tim, ah mun goa t' seasoide loike 
 ither foaks, or ah'll nivir see fog floors agin. John 
 Foggathorpe reeads Leeads Murkry, an' he says we con 
 goa t' Scarbro' an' back by 'xcurshun, for a matter o' 
 six shillins', an' one or twea weeaks gin us. We con lock 
 oop best raams, an' git aud Bob Shuttleworth an' his 
 Deeame t' moind ferm an' kye for a bit, whoile we goa 
 tiv seasoide." This clash'd on ma a bit ; Deeame had 
 gotten it a' seea pat an' plain, an' ah telled her it wur 
 na' t' preece o' t' 'xcurshun, it wur t' eeatin', an' drinkin', 
 an' lodgin' brass, as wad mak a whole i' mah pocket. 
 Bud what woman ivvir listened t' reeason, whin her 
 moind wur mad oop on onything i' t' wide waarld ? an' 
 aud Deeame says, "Ah tell'ee what, Tim, thou art a 
 selfish mon ; yer think naethin' o' spendin' a pund or mair 
 a' Cloob Feeast, or Barnaby, an' noo yoo're testy ower a 
 few shillins ah'v helped t' yearn, t' saave mah loife. 
 Weel, ah'll stop whoam, an' yer con paay t' doctor yer 
 brass, instead o' spendin' it on sea-soide !" What cud ah 
 do ? Ah wur forced t' gie in, an' let Deeame ha' her own 
 waay. An' then, wud yer believe it ! ah'd t' persuaade her 
 t' goa, an' her mad' it quite a faavor t' leeave whoam at a' ! 
 " Oh ! ah donna caare a bit," says she, " ah'm jist as weel 
 a' whoame ; ah care naught for spooart an' pleasurin', an' 
 nivir did, tho' thou'rt allus sayin' ah'm calin' an' gaddin' 
 aboot t' tea fuddles, an' sick loike. Ah con sit by mah 
 own heearth, an' daarn yer aud hose. Thur's plinty for a 
 woman t' doa a' whoame, wioot gangin' by 'xcurshuns t' 
 seasoide ; ah'll waark tull ah dee, an' then thou can'st 
 poot ma i' t' kirkyerd ; bud thou'lt nivir poot a staane 
 ower mah graave, it'll cost thee tu mitch brass, loike 
 Ealf Mackfield poot ower his woife, wi' these loines on it : 
 " A loovin' woife, a mither deear, 
 A faaithful frind a' ligeth heear." 
 
 Thou'lt nivir poot that ower ma, ah know ! An' ah'v
 
 8 
 
 wrought twice as haard as Margery Mackfield ivir did. 
 Ah'v been married an' been a slaave tiv yoh, an' Meary, 
 an' t' bairns gaeu afore, for thirty yeear. Thou know'st 
 ah helped t' git in a tun o' cooals t' deay arter ah 
 wur wed, an' ah'v been waarkin' haard ivir sin'. Bud 
 thou nivir heed'st or caarest what ah goa through ; ah'v 
 nae thaanks fra naebody ! Ance gaen a' forgot, as t' aud 
 sayin' is, an' ah niun dee, an' then thou'lt cree a bit t' let 
 neebours sea, an' i' twelvernoonths Betty Murgatroyd '11 
 be i' mail pleeace, an' pun* aud haard waarkin' Deeame 
 be nae mair thought o'. Nivir moind, ah'll dee a' whoame, 
 ah'll no goa abrooad t' dee." 
 
 Noo, whin Deeame gaes on this waay, it rnak's ma feeal 
 queerish loike ; she's been a guid woife t' ma, an' ah luv 
 her weel enuf t' doa aught for her ah con. As to Betty 
 Murgatroyd, that's a flam. Ah dusna caare a bootton for 
 her, an' t' taalk that cam' oop aboot mah bein' thick wi' 
 her, wur set aflooat by sum gooid-for-nowts, a' aboot a bit 
 o' fond gaame a' Whisunteed. Ah'll tell'ee a' aboot it sum 
 deay. Weel, ah begged an' praayed Deeame " not t' think 
 o' deein', bud t' goa to t' sea-soide." Bud she says, " Noa, 
 ah's not waanted i' t' warld," an' " she wad dee." Lord 
 a blessee t', trouble ah had t' git her t' promise ma not t' 
 dee ! At laast she did saay soa, an' says she, "Weel, Tim, 
 for thy saake an' Meary's, ah'll tree not t' dee this toorn. 
 Ah'll goa, as thou wish'st soa mitch, t' sea-soide, bud 
 Meary an' ah mun goa decent loike ; we mun ha' new 
 muslin gownds an' haats." "Haats!" says ah, "wullna 
 a new bonnet doa, sam' as thy mither an' grondmither 
 wore afore thee ? thou art only a plaain former's woife. 
 Ah whoape thou'lt keep, Deeame, t' aud waays an' aud 
 fashuns, they beeat a' t' new-fangled wuns ; haats are for 
 yoong foak." "Hoo thou talk'st," saays Deeame, "iviry 
 wun a' t' sea-soide weears haats. Mrs. Ruth Eillingham, 
 who keeaps t' groacer's shop, weears yan, an' she's foive 
 yeears older thon ma coom next Collop Monday. They'll 
 leuk varry neeat wi' feeathers and ribbons, an' t' chignon 
 wi' keeap 'em oop behoind." 
 
 " Chignons !" says ah, " surely a deacent woman, mither 
 o' a family, wull na weear them beeastly things." " Why
 
 not ?" says she, " its fashun, an' Meary an' ah ha' bought 
 oors, not t' be singular loike i' a graand pleeace loike 
 Scarbro'." 
 
 " Oh ! thou'st got em," says ah, an' opened mah eelids 
 raather woide. " Yea," says Deeame, " laast weeak whin 
 Kitty Stixwould wint a' Braadfurth, she gat us twea 
 buties." 
 
 Weel, in for a lamb, in for a sheeap, thinks ah, she 
 mun goa t' whole hog noo, an' ah only said, "Weel, Deeame, 
 git thysel an' Meary reeady, an' ah'll tak' ee t' Scarbro'," 
 an' ah wint mah waay t' mah haaymakkin, thinkin' 
 Deeame cudna ha' been i' eearnest aboot deein', whin she 
 cud send t' Braadfurth for a chignon ; bud who con git tiv 
 t' bottom o' a woman's moind ? Ah donna think t' mon 
 who laaid Tilegraaph tiv Americy cud, an' he mun a been 
 a cute on'. Weel, they mun ha' a dressmakker, one o' t' 
 pooir things who waark a' thur best deays for mere brid, 
 an' what they mun doa whin they git aud, an' eesight 
 faails, ah canna comprehend. Ah do pity t' puir yung 
 things, ah doa, an' ah pity em moast iv theyre guid leukin. 
 I' this lond o' gowd an' misery, sair want maks moniiy an 
 honest lass shaame her mither, an' rooin hersel mairs t' 
 pity, mairs t' disgraace ! 
 
 Weel, a' t' deay wur takin' oop cuttin' oot,makkin' oop, 
 an' rneasurin', an' calin' aboot gownds, an' trimmins, an' 
 ribbons, an' things ah knawed naught aboot ; an' it wur as 
 mitch as ah cud doa t' git a bit, or a soop, wi' thur sewin' an' 
 treein' on. At laast a' wur got reeady, an' twea greeat boxes 
 an' no ind of boondles paacked for Scarbro'. Ah brooshed 
 up mah Soonday cleeas, an' mah brooad brimmed beeaver 
 haat, an' mad' mesel respectaable loike. They waanted 
 ma t' git a new Frinch haat an' fashunable cooat, but 
 says ah, " Yoh dress as yoh loike, an' ah'll dress as ah 
 loike ; let ma aloon pleease," an' ah hed mah own waay, 
 an' they'd thur own waay ; bud ah nivvir see sike froights 
 as Deeame an' Meary had mad' o' thurselves ! 
 
 Them jimcrackery musliuds may do varry weel whin 
 yoh con bespeeack t' sunshine ; but they donna doa i' 
 Yaarkshire wi' a wet drippin' sky an' a soo-eeaster blooin', 
 an' them woide third claass wi' winders open a' roond, an'
 
 10 
 
 men sittin' neear 'em, who wearnt shut 'em for onyone. 
 Puir things ! Deeame an' Meary began to shiver an* 
 shaake afore they wur twinty mahles, an' they axed for 
 mah bottle oftener than ah liked afore soa mony. And 
 thur haats loike a pooff o' doon, an' a handful o' sti*aaw, 
 poot tegither wi' fether roond 'em ; they did leuk feeols 
 in 'em, thof ah say it, an' they knawed it, and wur 
 uncomfertaable loike ; and whin foaks staared at 'em (an* 
 foaks wi' eeys wull staare t' ind o' t' warld) they leuked 
 saavage loike, as mitch as t' say, " Weel, then, what do yoh 
 sea extra i' ma ?" By t' time we'd gotten t' Malton, 
 the raain cam 1 doon i' pelters, an' whin traain ran intul 
 Scarbro' staashun thur wur quite a gale o' wind, an' wet 
 cam' doon i' caats an' dogs. 
 
 What t' doa, whur t' goa, ah knowed na mair than a 
 gawvison. All lift Deeame an' Meary i' t' waaitin' raahm, 
 an' wint t' leuk fer lodgins. I gat alang a rooade ower a 
 pratty plantaation koind o' a pleace, wi' slopin' soides an' 
 waalks, an' seeats ; this tuk mah ower what they ca' a 
 s'penshun brig, whur they mad' ma paay, an' then ah 
 waalked on alang a lot o' new streeats wi' a foine kirk o' 
 twea, an varry big hooses. T' hooses wur a' sae big an' 
 graand, ah felt shamed loike t' ask fer lodgins at 'em, thof 
 ah seed apaartments as large as loife i 1 sum o' t' winders ; 
 bud t' raain poored sae, an' ah thought o' Deeame an' 
 Meary waatin', an' ah mad bould t' goa oop an' knock at 
 one o' smallest hooses ; it wur foor stories heigh. A big 
 laad wi' bootons cam t' deer, an' whin ah tould him ah 
 waanted lodgins, he staared at ma loike a new stoock 
 sheeap, an' then flung a deer open, an' showed ma intul 
 a great raahm wi' glasses, an' paintins, an' pictures i* 
 graand gowd frames, an' foine taables an' cheers wi' red 
 velvet tops, an' a bright green an' orange caarpet mah 
 mooddy boots soonk haalf in, it wur so flooffy loike. 
 
 Ah felt uneeasy loike coomin' intul sike a pleeace, an' 
 guid laack ! ah'd brought mah aud oombrella drippin' wet 
 i' wi' ma, an' thur it wur makkin' a pool i' t' corner, an' 
 runnin' ower a butifool heearth roog, worth iwir sae mony 
 punds ! Ah wur aboot t' move it whin a graand leedy 
 cam' in a' dressed oot i' silks, wi' a toorban on, or
 
 11 
 
 Bummat o' t' soart, an' a gowd chaain a' acrass her 
 breeast. She staared at naa, an' ah staared at her, and 
 then her axed ma t' be seeated ; an' ah says, " Mum, 
 ah an' mah Deeame an' darter ha' coom t' sea-soide fur a 
 toime fur oor heealths." An' then her axed ma iv ah 
 wur leukin' oot for apaartments, an' ah saaid, " Yea, by mah 
 trooly its weeather t' git settled soomwhur." Then her 
 axed ma " iv ah'd ony sweet ?"* Ah wur poot oot by sike 
 a questshun, bud ah saaid, " Mah teeath wearnt let ma 
 eeat 'em, mum, bud Meary's varry fond on 'em, an' she 
 speends a vaast o' brass i' toffy an' lemon drops." " Oh ! 
 ah meeant sarvents," saaid leedy, " ah thought yoh mud 
 be a coontry gintleman ; we've queear coostomurs soom- 
 toimes fra moors an' wolds," an' she did laf, an' then saaid, 
 " Mah apaartments are ten guinees a weeak, wi' sarvents, 
 an' attindance, an' ivvirythin' i' foirst raat style." " Ten 
 guinees !" says ah, staartin' oop, " ah donna waant foirst 
 raate style ; its only for mesel, an' Deeame, an' darter 
 Meary ; yan bedraahm for aud woman an' ah wull doa ; 
 Meary con sleeap on a soffy, or wi' yer darter mebby. 
 We've coom by 'xcurshun," says ah. "Iv ah didn't think 
 soa !" says she, taart loike, a' at onst, " an' who recom- 
 mended yoh t' mah establishment ?" " Why," says ah, 
 " t' caard i' yer winder, bud ah canna paay ten guinees ; 
 ah donna moind ten shillin' ; Deeame wull mak' her own 
 bids an' cook ma a chop or steeak now an' thin. We donna 
 eeat mitch meeat i' yat weeather, and we'll be on t' saands 
 moast o' oor toime ; ony small raahm wi' doa for oos." 
 " Oh," says she, " yoh ha' coom t' wrang pairt, only t' 
 hairystockcrazy coom here." 
 
 "Weel, ah beg pardin', Mum," says ah. "Oh! no 
 offinse, 1 ' says she; "bud t' nixt toime yoh goa intul a 
 deacent boose wi' a caarpet, leave yer oombrella i' t' 
 passaage ;" an' she raang t' bell, an' t' big laad wi' t' bootons 
 cam in, soa suddent, ah'm seer he wur ootsoide deer 
 listenin', as ah know mony a servin' laad an' lass doa, 
 an' its a mean, paltry thing for ony one t' doa, ah think ! 
 
 * Sirite. In the Visitors' List, I've seen " Mrs." or " Miss Dash 
 and suite" down more than once. The suite being a servant girl 
 and a boy in buttons !
 
 12 
 
 "Adolf," says slie, "show this gintlemon oot," an' iv 
 buttons wearn't a'most bustin' wi' laffiii' as ah tuk mah 
 oombrella, an 1 saaid, " guid deay, mum, sorry ah'v troobled 
 yoh," an' followed him oot. Ah longed t' gie t' ower-fed, 
 oonder-brid whippersnaapper, a guid cloot i' t' eear ! Whin 
 he steyked t' deer arter ma, an' ah stood t' open mah 
 oombrella, iv tlmr wearnt three sarvin' lasses at t' kitchin' 
 winder a laffin loike foon, an' pressin' thur poog nooases 
 flat agin t' paanes t' ha' a guid leuk at ma. 
 
 "Weel," says ah, "this is a bad beginin'," an' ah wint 
 on oop an' doon yan streeat an' anither ; bud t' hooses 
 seeamed a' o' a bigness ; some o' them wur pratty enuf 
 wi' gaardins i' front, an' graass plots slopin' doon tit cliffs, 
 wi' t' white horsemen oot at sea raagiu' an' foamin' fool 
 i' view. Says ah, " Its a' varry noice an' graaiid, bud a 
 mon niun be mad o muney t' coom an' loive here. Ten 
 guinees a weeak ! Why, a' whoame that'll paay hawf a 
 yeear's rent, an' then t' loivin', an' waast, an' sarvents, why 
 you mun ha' a theasand a yeear t' clear yer waay." Weel, 
 efter hoontin' a' aboot toathree hoors, ah wint baack 
 ower brig tit staashun. 
 
 Deeame an' Meary wur hawf ded wi' cowld, an' tired 
 oot wi' waitin', an' they fand faut enuf wi' ma for bein' 
 sae lang. " Git a caab at onst," says Deeame, " an' let us 
 goa ; ah sooppose thou'st ordered a coop o' tea to be gotten 
 ready ?" Whin ah tould 'em " ah'd gotten naething, 
 lodgin' or tea." " Gotten naething?" creed Deame, " an' 
 thou hast been three hoors by t' clock ; Tim, thou hast 
 been drinkin', ah's seer ?" " Not a soop," says ah, an' then 
 ah telled her t' trooble ah'd had an' what they waanted 
 for lodgin's. " Fiddle-de-dee," says she, " ah'd ha' sooin 
 ha' beeat 'em doon ; they ask ten toimes mair nor they'll 
 tak', as Mrs Bootterwick foond oot as kips draaper shop 
 a' Bonnybeck. Thou'rt not hawf a mon, Tim, t' bring ma 
 t' sea-soide against mah wull, an' then kip ma i' t' cawld 
 i' these thin things o' muslinds, boor after hoor, becas 
 thou wiltna speeak oot." " Weel, ah'll goa agin," wur a' 
 ah spoak baack ; an' ah axed a porter whur ah'd better 
 goa. " Donna think yoh'll git a lodgin' onywhur neear 
 here to neight, Sir," saays he ; " t' voloonteers is here, an'
 
 13 
 
 no ind o' 'xcurshuns, and the circoos foaks. Ali'v known 
 traavellers glaad t' sleeip i' t' baathin' masshins, sike 
 toimes as these." Deeaine an' Meary grooaned ! 
 
 Weel, it wur gettin' daark, an' despraat loike ah wint 
 oot agin a 1 through raain doon a lang streeat fooll o' shops ; 
 ah axed an' ah axed, tull at a laarge Inn they telled ma 
 they cud 'commodaate oos, iv ah an' aud Deeame cud 
 poot oop \vi' a maatrass o' t' fleer o' a spaar raahm. An' 
 t' obleege ma, bein' a straanger, they'd only chaarge ma 
 foive shillins a neight. 
 
 " Ony poort i' a storm," says ah to mesel, an' ah paaid 
 foirst Height's lodgin' to secure t' pleace, an' brought 
 Deeame an' Meary doon. They leuked loike draahnded 
 raats coomin' through raain an' mood, an' sum lahtle 
 fisher laads followed on us, creein oot, " Mak raahm, mak 
 raahm, here's soom o' t' royal familee a coomin' !" At laast 
 we got tit inn, an' hed t' sit doon t' oor teea in a pooblic 
 raahm, wi' men drinkin' an' smooakin' a' roond. Hoo 
 diff rent fra oor snoog lahtle parlour a' whoame ! Ah 
 hadna draaiik a coop o' teea or eeaten a morsel, tired oot 
 as ah wur, whin Meary poot her haand behoind her yed, 
 an' toorned as paale as a ghaist. " Oh ! mither, mither," 
 says she, " ah'v been an' lost mah chignon ; ah mun ha' 
 dropped it i' waaitin raahm at staashun ; ask feyther t' goa 
 for it ; ah's flay'd foak'll pick it oop." An' ah'm blessed, 
 fer t' saake o' peeace an' quietness, iv ah hadna t' gang 
 a' throogh poorin' raain t' staashun, for that beeastly 
 thing, afore ah'd a bit or a soop !" "Oh! praay mak 
 haste," says Deeame an' Meary i' a breeath, " or sum wun 
 wull foiud it." "Ah whoape they may," says ah t' 
 mesel, an' off ah goes. Whin ah got t' staashun, thur 
 wur t' oogly thing, reight doon i' t' graate o' t' sittin' 
 raahm ; ah poot it i' mah pocket, an' cam' baack wi' it. 
 Meary kissed ma, an' saaid, " Thankee, feyther ;" bud a' 
 t' best o' t' teea wur gane, an' naught bud hot watter 
 an' leeaves left ! " Weel," thinks ah, u ah'll consider a 
 bit afore ah cooms t' sea-soide agin." Meary wur tired 
 oot, soa wur aud Deeame, an' soa wur ah ; soa we caw'd 
 for neight cannal, an' wint early t' bed. 
 
 Ah nivvir waant ony rockin', an' ah wur sooin soond
 
 14 
 
 asleep as a poast. Hoo lang ah slept, ah donna knaw, 
 bud it cudna be varry lang, whin ah heeard, " Tim ! 
 Tim !" shaated i' mah eear. " Tim ! Tim ! get oop, ah'm 
 deein' ;" an' aud Deeame, seer enuf, wur that bad wi' 
 craamps, ah thought she'd dee. " Ah donna knaw mah 
 weay oot, mair nor a blind fiddler," says ah, ' whur'st 
 lussifurs ?" " We hav'nt ony," says Deeame; " oh Tim ! 
 Tim ! mak' haaste, ah'm doobled oop loike." " Weel," 
 says ah, " they're moving aboot still. Ah seed bell pool 
 by bed soide last neight, ah'll pooll it and ax for sum yat 
 brandy an' watter." " There's a string here," says she, 
 an' she poo'd it haard, and, wud yoh believe it, a deluge 
 o' cawld watter cam' poorin' on us enuf t' droownd us. 
 Lord hoo we shaated an' screamed ! an' ah poo'd bell 
 pooll neear ma, fierce loike, for ah wur maad, an' wet t' 
 mah skin, an' Deeame wur wus, an' mooanin' an' 
 grooanin' enuf t' freet a basteel noorse. Weel, as ah poo'd 
 an' poo'd, doon cam' anither deluge; bud this toime it 
 wur yat watter, an' i' gallons, ah's seer ! Yoh cud noo ha' 
 yeard us a mahle off, creein' for help. Soon a roosh o' 
 peuple cam' wi' laamps an' cannals o' a' soarts ; an' they 
 tore intul t' rooam, Meary wi' 'em i' her neight dress an' 
 aud cloak. 
 
 A pratty soight we wur ! They'd put us i' t' Baath 
 raahm, an' this wur t' ind. T' sarvant lasses (lafiin t' 
 thursens, ah cud sea) wraapped aud Deeame i' a 
 blaanket, an' carried her t' thur raahm, an' lit a big fire. 
 Ah hed t' dry mesel by kitchen fire, sittin' i' front o' t' 
 winterhedge, an' thin git what sleeap ah cud i' a big 
 airm cheer. " Nea mair sea-soide fer ma," says ah, 
 " iv ah knaws it !" 
 
 Next moorn Deame wur better than yoh'd ha' thought ; 
 she'd no cold, naythur had ah, an' as sun wur shinin' 
 brightly, an' pleace leukin' pratty, we wint oot. 
 Certainly Scarbro' is a foine pleace, an' it beeats aught 
 as ivvir ah sea fer greeat hottels an' lines o' big hooses. 
 Thur's one hottel Graand Hottel they caw it a pallis 
 loike, fit for Kings, an' Queeans, an' Imperors, an' Loord 
 Maires, perched heigh oop on t' cliffs faacin' sea. A 
 giant o' a hoose it is. Ah canna tell hoo mony stories it
 
 15 
 
 mun be ; an' thur's toores aboon t' garrets heigher oop 
 still It do leuk splendid loike ; thof ah pity t' pooir 
 sarvent lasses who ha' t' gang oop t' staairs t' top o' that 
 hoose, an' t' toores, wi' shaavin' watter o' a moorn. Ah 
 know it wud weer oot mah legs varry sooin ! 
 
 An 1 they've gotten anither spenshun brig, heigher than 
 t' one ah crossed, fra cliff tiv cliff ; reight acrass saands, 
 fra Graand Hottel, tiv a' t' big hooses, i' hawf roonds an' 
 squaares, ligging hoondreds o' fit aboon t' sea. Ah do 
 think that spenshun brig one o' t' foinest things i' 
 Scarbro' ; it leuks noice an' noable fra ony point, it doa. 
 JBeyaut brig, they've coot waalks i' t' cliffs, an' plaanted 
 trees, an' floors, an' ivir greens, an' built lahtle summer 
 hooses here an' there, oop an' doon, an' lang Hitallyon 
 terrasses, as they caw 'em, wi' pratty pleaces fer musik 
 paarties an' baand t' plee ; wi' plaashin' o' t' waaves 
 helpin' t' sweet soonds. If yoh're tired, thur's seeats 
 iviry where, an' hoondreds o' leedies an' gintlemen, 
 donned oot i' thur best, taalkin' an' makkin luv loike, an 
 paassin' remarks aboot t' walkers by. That ah think's 
 t' warst pairt. Ah paaid saxpence eeach fer us tiv a mon 
 i' a wee box or hoot, neear top o' cliff, an' doon an' 
 roownd t' waalks ah wint wi' Deeame an' Meary, foine 
 enuf noo i' t' sunshine ; foine enuf t' think aud Feyther 
 not hawf foine enuf for 'em ! I saw they leuked a' mah 
 breead-brimmed beeaver haat an' mah cleas, an' wad 
 rayther waalk by thursens ; soa, says ah, " Ahll sit doon 
 o' this seeat a bit, yoh con goa t' Hittalyon Terrasse an' 
 heear t' musik, an' coom baack t' ma arter a bit." 
 Weel, off they wint, an' whur ah wur sittin', ah cud see 
 ^m waalkin' oop an' doon, an' foaks quizzin' an' gigglin', 
 an' makkin' remarks ah's seer aboot 'em a' saame 
 toime ah felt 'shamed an' heurt fur 'em ; bud they didna 
 seeam t' notidge what ah did. Arter a while, they sot 
 doon by t' sea wall ; an' a tall, whiskered chap near 'em 
 began taalkin' tiv 'em, explaainin' t' musik tiv Meary. 
 
 She wur varry wise arter aboot Hittallyon musik ; she 
 cud tell ma t' naames o' neearly ivviry mon who pleed. 
 Thur wur Beeatovven, an' V&rdy, an' Mendels' son (f 
 yoong fellow, ah suppose, wi' key bugle), and ither chaps
 
 16 
 
 ah forget ; mebby Mosheart wur mm (ah think he wur), 
 bud neea makkins, Meary knows 'em, an' cud tell what 
 they pleed too. " Hoo ah luv that sweeat musik," says 
 she, " fra t' soonny sooth, as gintlemon said," Meary 
 brook oot t' ma arterwards, " Ah wur deein' at ' Lah 
 Me-ei/e Ler-tish-e-arJ* an' ' Spar-guy Dame-a-row^ an' 
 1 Hah Voes Jews Mess A-mees,'^ set ma i' raptures o' 
 deloight. Ah'll nivvir gie a Jarmin baand a hoppenny 
 noo ; ah'll nivvir agin listen tiv "em." Gintleman towed 
 Meary, Mad-a-morsel Christeen, Nils' son, (ah think it 
 ought t' be Nils' darter) wur a coomin', an' iwirywun 
 ought to heer her. 
 
 Weel, ah cud fill a' mah buk, ah cud, wi' a' ah saw and 
 did a' Scarbro', "f Queean o' watterin' pleaces," as they 
 caw it. We wint oop Moont Oliver. Thur's waalks coot 
 roond an' roond, an 1 yoh con git t' top wi'oot ony trooble; 
 t' view fra thur is foine, an' beeats amoast t' view fra mah 
 baack winder ower Bonnybeck broo. A' Scarbro' ligs 
 below yoh, an' t' cliffs, an' sea fooam breeakin' o' t' shore 
 i' soight for mahles and mahles. We'd a blew an' soonny 
 sky, t' deay we wint oop ; t' laarks wur singin' a' roond, 
 an' t' keen, pure aair braaced ma oop, an' mad' ma feeal 
 quite yoong agin, it did ! Ah donna know a foiner 
 pleace for a mornin's stroal onywhur ; bud iv Oliver 
 Cromwell battered that aud caastle thur reight acrass t' 
 toon, an' saands, an' haarboor, a' ah con say is he'd 
 precious guid goons, an' we'd better (as ah yeard a soger 
 sort o' chap say) dig sum o' 'em oop an' copy 'em, when 
 next we goa feightin' ! 
 
 Wun deay we wint t' aud caastle, ah'v been speaakin' 
 aboot. T' wind wur blooin' greeat goons, an' Deeame 
 had a baad rnisfortin'. She wur hooldin' her muslind 
 dress doon wi' one haand, an' keepin' her haat on wi' 
 tither, an' forgot a' aboot her chignon ; an' i' t' Caastle 
 yerd a trimmenjus poof o' wind cam' an' carried it reight 
 awaay ower t' rocks intul Jarmin Oshun. Sum voloon- 
 teers seed it goa, an' they did mak' foon o' it ! " Hawf-a- 
 
 * " La Mia Letizia " of Verdi. 
 t " Spargi d'amaro " in Lucia. 
 t " A vos jeux mes amis."
 
 17 
 
 croon rewaard \vull be offered," saays one. " Maan t' 
 leef-boat, a leedy's chignon's droonin',' 1 creed anither ; an', 
 says an officier, " Ah wish a' t' naasty things wud folly 
 suet."* " Yoh dirty fella," saays aud Deeamee tull him, 
 " ah'd let yoh knaw ah poot na greease on maah haair bud t' 
 best o' oil!" " Ah daare saay," saays Meary, helpin' mither, 
 " whin he's gotten his foine cleeas off, he's nobbut a 
 butcher, or he wudna taalk aboot sut." Hoo a' t' 
 voloonteers chaps did laf, an' they says, " Gie it him agin, 
 Mees, it saarves bun reight !" 
 
 Weel, ah drew 'em awa' t' anither paart, fu aud Deeame 
 wur lungus aboot her chignon, an' t' fellows makin' 
 gaame, an' ah donna loike bein' mad a show ov. 
 
 It's a pratty scene fra aud Caastle t' harboors, an' 
 shippin', an' piers, an' toon, an' Graand Hottel t' 'spen- 
 shun brig, t' cliffs, an' gaardins, an' terrasses, a' below 
 an' before yoh, an' t' ivir-moovin' Oshan spreeadin' oot 
 loike a' image o' t' greeat Creeator's poor an' majesty. 
 A'tegithur it is graand, an' leeaves mony guid thoughts i' t' 
 moind o' mon : at a' events, it did mak ma think o' God's 
 waarks, an' might, an' greeatness, an' oor weeakness an' 
 littleness before Him ! who rules t' waaves an' t' winds. 
 T' gaale wur too strang fer oos oop thur, soa we cam' 
 baack throf t' churchyerd an' by aud ruined kirk; 
 Deeame grumblin' an' fraaighin' wi' Meary for bein' soa 
 gaumless i' teein' her chignon on, an' Meary snappin' 
 aboot aud foaks aapin' yung ones. Ah let 'em alane ; 
 they're often at it, an' iv yoh donna poot eldin on a feer, 
 it'll goa oot o' itsel ! 
 
 We'd taen lodgins i' yan o' t' small streats lift o' t' 
 Eailwaay staashun, an' had oor boxes mooved thur. 
 Deeame kipt a shaarp leuk oot ; bud she foond t' booter, 
 an' teea, an' sugar goa faaster nor she loiked, an' t' caat 
 a puir toothless aud totershell had it x a' poot tiv her 
 'coont ! Deeame tayed it varry mitch t' heart ; she alms 
 wur a saavin' body, an' pooir foakes mun saave, iv they 
 wud paay thur waay, an' kip fra waarkhoose; bud ah 
 tould her noo, "donna be mezzerin' hances, an' coontin' 
 
 * Stvit, he must have said. P.D.
 
 18 
 
 graains ; we mun poot oop wi' sum lodgin' Loose keeapers 
 takin' a lalitle ; they expect t' booard wi' thur visitus ; 
 they cleem welly eaght moonths o' t' yeear, an' donna, fu t 1 
 saake o' a shillin' o' twea, mak yersel unhaappy. Tak' 
 things as they coom, its only a weeak or twea at moast ; 
 they canna tak mitch i' that toime ; its a baad haabit nae 
 doot, an' mak's thur bairns grow oop wi' pilferin' fingers ; 
 bud poot oop wi' it, Deeame, an' tak caare nivir agin t' 
 goa tit foakes hooses who've cheeated yoh yance." Iv 
 t' visitus wud a' doa this, petty steealin' wud sooin be 
 poot a stop tiv. Ah donna think mony Scarbro' foaks 
 plaay these tricks, bud sum doa, an' ah whoape they'll 
 repint by nixt seeason ! 
 
 Wun deay it wur that yat, yoh cud haardly abeer yohsel 
 i' yer cleeas. Deeame an' Meary had t' laf a' nia noo, 
 fer ah hed braid cloath, an' them muslinds. Ah tuk mah 
 cooat an' haat off, an' sot by a cliff, wi' an oombrella t' 
 kip sun off; an' that's a sinsible, noice waay a' sea-soide, 
 for thur's no treeas, or shaade on t' beeach, an' peuple 
 lose heealth sittin' an' walkin' i' t' sunshine, at t' varry 
 pleace they coom tiv t' gaain it. 
 
 Naethin' wud doa, bud Deeame an' Meary mun ha' a 
 baath. Masshins wur goin' in an oot ivviry miuut, an' 
 ah saays, "Varry weel, ah'll sit here, an' leuk a' them 
 fisher booats, an' yoh con paddle aboot loike mermaaids, 
 only donna stop too lang i' t' watter ; it spoils hawf t' 
 baathing, ah'm tould, an' maks mony foaks baad who's 
 not used tiv it." In they wint, an' t' masshin were taen 
 oot to sea. Ah heerd sum lahtle scrimmin' arter i' that 
 quaarter, an' they tould ma arter they kipt pootin" thur 
 fit i' t' watter, an' pootin' them oot agin, an' daaredna goa 
 in sea. At laast they wint doon steps, an' Deeame says 
 she'll niwir forget that ploonge tiv her deein' deay. A 
 waave cam' teearin' oop jist as they gat in, an' daashed 
 reight ower 'em ; they boath scrimmed fer help ; bud t' 
 watter wur soa waarm they boath gat used tiv it, an' 
 paddled aboot sum toime. Meary had gotten intul 
 masshin, Deeame wur followin' oop t' steeaps, whin t' 
 masshin boy hooked t' horse on, an' giein' a knock a' deer 
 fer a toaken, whipped t' animal oop. Oot t' masshin wur
 
 19 
 
 dragged; pooir Deeame wur jerked off t' steeaps, an' fell 
 flaat intul sea, an' shaated loike maad, " Help ! help ! 
 ah'm droonin'." Masshin wimmin an' ithers rooshed in ; 
 ah raan doon t' pleace, an', wi' gigglin' fra sum an' koind 
 words fra ithers, Deeame wur dragged' oot scrimmin' 
 looder an' looder, wrapped oop i' baathin' dress, an' 
 caarried tit masshin. Ah did gie it that horse boy, ah did ; 
 he saaid he thout they wur in, they'd been soa lang ; 
 hud he seemed jist t' moonkey t' plaay sike a trick. 
 Thur wur nae mair baathin' arter this, an' we spint t' 
 rest o' oor toime a' Scarbro' waalkin' on iron peeir, tither 
 soide o' caastle, haavin' a row i' t' harboor, an' fishin' ; ah 
 caught naethin' bud a could ! 
 
 Ah wint yance t' drink watter at Spaw, as they caw 
 it ; bud la ! its naethin' bud watter wi' a salty, inky 
 taaste. They say thur's iron i' it, an' mabbe thur is ; ony 
 one con poot an' aud rousty ploo-shaare doon a well, an' 
 add a few punds o' saalt, an' thats hoo they mak hawf t' 
 spaws i' mah beleef, an' Deeame thinks sae too. Weel, 
 oor toime wur oop, an' baack we wint t' Bonnybeck. 
 Deeame an' Meary did hoould oop thur yeds a bit 
 amaang t' neebours, whin they taalked o' Scarbro', an' t' 
 Spaw, an' Graand Hottel, an' Hittallyon Terreasses, an' a' 
 they saw an' did a' sea-soide ; an' ah doa think t' 
 chaange did 'em boath guid, an' sweeatened thur timpers 
 for a whole weeak !
 
 20 
 
 AUD DEEAME AN' TALLYMON. 
 
 A weeak or twea arter oor ootin' t' sea-soide, ah wint 
 fra whoame fer a deay, t' leuk at a horse as neeboor 
 Eaistrick wur ahoot t' sell. Ah waanted sike an' animal, 
 an' as it wur a lang waay t' Kirby-blow-haard, ah tould 
 aud Deeame ah wouldna be whoame tull neight. Weel r 
 ah gat saafe t' Raistrick's yaamsted, leuked at his kye, 
 an' wint ower his wheeat, an' whoats, an' turmets, an' 
 poot aud Tyke through his paaces, an' then mad a 
 bargaain, which saaved ma one pund ten shillin's, fer ah'd 
 nearly taen anither aud horse fer mair muney, an' ah'd 
 gotten a better wun fra Raistrick (as ah'v been saayin') 
 fer less brass. Ah wur merry enuf coomin' whoame wi r 
 mah bargaain. "That one pund ten," says ah t' mesel, 
 " wull paay mah pocket baack part o' oor ootin' brass a r 
 Scarbro' !" 
 
 Ah wur that leight o' heart a' mah saavin' soa mitch, 
 ah saang as ah coomed alang, jinglin' mah brass i' mah 
 pockets t' help t' tuune. " Deeame," creed ah, whin ah'd 
 gotten t' deer, " ah'v mad' a goodly bargaan, an' saaved 
 wun pund ten." "Ah'v mad' a goodly bargaan, toa," 
 saays Deeame, " coom in, Tim, coom in ; Meary, bring 'em 
 doon." " What's oop noo ?" saays ah. " Weel," saays she, 
 " thou hadna been gaue hawf-an hoor, whin a noice yung 
 chap, dressed loike t' betterin' soart, wi' a gowd chaain 
 roond his neck, cam' here wi' a paircel o' goods, a baank- 
 roopt stock (he caw'd it), an' saaid he'd sell 'em a' moock 
 cheeap, an' ah'v boought twea loovly cherry-cooloured 
 silk dreasses, jist what leedies weear a' Scarbro', for mesel 
 an' Meary, an' a greeat cooat for thee ; a' tegither it isna 
 bud sax punds, eaghteen shillin', an' foorpence !" " An' 
 whur i' t' warld," says ah, " did'st thou feend t' brass ? By 
 mah heart, bud this licks ma, it doa !" " Oh," saays 
 Deeame, quite cheerfool loike, " he'll coom for it a 
 lahtle at a toime, mebbe iwiry weeak, an' ah con lig it 
 by fer him, oot o' mah markettin' brass." 
 
 Weel, " born donnot," an' hawf a dozen ithir pratty
 
 21 
 
 -words wur a' tip o' mah tongue ; bud ah kipt mail timper 
 doon, an' ah took oop t' cherry -cooloured silk, an' t' braid 
 clooath for mah cooat, an' o' a' t' stoof yoh ivir seed, 
 that silk an' clooath beeat it ; t' silk wur braid-ratched 
 wi' white, an' sooiled, an' nobbut what mah caoof o' a 
 Became wud a boought a' ony preece ! A deacent sarvent 
 lass wud ha' toorned her nooase oop at it, ah'll be bund ; 
 an' t' think o' mah gooid brass gaein' for sike roobish, it 
 did mak ma maad, it did ; an' then t' cooate claath, it 
 wur mad o' shoddy, an' ah cud a'most sea through it i' 
 soom pleeaces. " Thou'rt simple as a soockin' doock," 
 says ah,' " that Tallymen's been an' doon yoh." "Oh! 
 he's nae tallymen," says Deeame an' Meary i' a 
 breeath ; " he's jist sellin' t' cleeas t' help a pooir bank- 
 roopt, an' ha mak's naethin' by it : he saaid soa, an' we 
 boought paartly t' help t' pooir mon who's bankin'." 
 "Tell that stooary t' nanpie," says ah; "dusta think 
 he'll goa aboot fer luv o' his neeboor ? we've not mony 
 sike saaints i' these deays i' Yarkshur. Its luv o' t' brass 
 brings yon chap roond ; bud he'll ha' nun o' moine ; ah 
 wunnot paay him fahve faarthin's for a' t' cleeas ; thur guid 
 fer naught. Hasta a bill ?" says ah, sharp loike, t' Deeame, 
 fer ah wur awful lungus. Deeame an' Meary wud ha' 
 it ah wur mistean ; bud Tallymen had gien a bill, an' it 
 wur saemthin' loike this ah forget t' streeat : 
 
 LEEDS. 
 
 BOUGHT o' Messrs. MCALPINE, MALCOLM, & Co. 
 2 Lyons Silk Dreeasses, an' Cloath for Cooat - - 6 18 4J 
 
 Weeakly paayments taen. 
 
 "Weel,"says ah, " didsta sign onythin' ?" "Only a 
 Ttit o' paper," saays Deeame, " t' let 'em know ah'd gotten 
 t' gooids, an' wud paay for 'em sum deay." " Then ah'm 
 dun," says ah, " bud ah'll tree it." Deeame an' Meary 
 beegged an' preed ma t' kip t' cleeas, an' paay for 'em, t' 
 saave trooble ; bud ah wudna gie waay t' cheeatin' iv its 
 only a saxpence ; ah'll staand mah groond tull t' last, 
 whin ah'm i' t' reeight. Neeboors cam' in, an' saaid as ah 
 saaid. Isaac Barraclough, oor skeualmeaster, tould us
 
 he wur .agin a' these weeakly paayments ; he said he- 
 knew a mon poot his naame doon fer a History o' 
 Englaand, or summat o' t' soart, an' they brooght him 
 paarts oopon paarts, as they caw'd 'em, a hawf-a-croon 
 eeach, an' when he wudna tak' 'em he wur bud a 
 daytlemon they coorted him, an' mad' him paay fer ivviry 
 wun o' t' buks, sum punds i' a', an' he yearnin' only 
 fifteen shillin' a weeak, wi' woife an' foor bairns. T' 
 pictures took him, an' he con reead a bit, bud he'd nae 
 noation o' paayin' punds fer a buk. 
 
 Weel, taalk wint on, an' Deeame an' Meary yeard soa 
 mony taales o' Scotch paackmen an' ithers, they wur 
 poot oot o' consait o' thur " goodly bargaan." Tallymon 
 cam' neext weeak for his brass, a' smilin' loike, donned 
 i' foine cleeas, wi' his gowd chaain, an' a braan new 
 Frinch haat. " Quid moornin', marm," says he t' 
 Deeame ah kipt back a bit : " deloightfool weeather, 
 marm, for t' haarvest," an he rubbed his honds, an* 
 smiled agin : " onythin' mair t' deay, marm ? Ah'v sum 
 foine henkerchers, raal bandannas, dirt cheeap ;" soa he 
 wint on. Deeame saaid, " Mah aud mon donna loike 
 strap, bud here he coomes." Then ah coom oot wi' t r 
 things, an' ah says, "Air yoh t' mon who seld thees 
 cleeas t'mah Deeame ?" "Yea sir," says he, smilin' agin, 
 " ony thin' else, sir ; ah'v sum foine stoof for trooserin." 
 " Yoh've plinty o' stoof" nae doobt, saays ah, " an' plinty o' 
 brass too ; bud yoh mun git off mah preemises dooble 
 quick, an' tak that roobbish baack wi' ye, fer ah'll nivir 
 paay yoh a penny, yoh cheeatin' teeastrill ;" an' ah floong 
 t' cherry-cooloured silk an' braid cloath on his paack. 
 Mah ee ! his smoiles wur gane i' a twinkle ! " Ah'll not 
 tak' a fraacshun baack, " says he, " they're sold faair, an r 
 varry cheeap. That ere silk is best Lee-on." " Lee-onl" 
 saays ah, "that's jist what yoh're doin' a' deay." "An* 
 that cloath," saays he, takkin nae notdige, "is best 
 West o' Englaand, hawf preece ; i' faact, a'moast gien awa." 
 " Tak it baack tiv West o' Englaand," saays ah, " we're 
 not sike gawvisons i' t' north as t' paay guid brass fer 
 roobbish. Ah's Yarkshur, iv yoh be Scotch ; an' ah'll 
 not be robbed wi' mah ees open, yoh brassy- faaced
 
 23 
 
 roague." "Yoh may goa on, and mon," saays tallymen, 
 "bud its nae use, ah'v yoh woife's agreeament, an' that's 
 guid as yourn; yoh'd better paay an' saave trooble." 
 " Agreeament be haanged !" saays ah, " ah'v agreead t' 
 naethin'." " It's nae consequince," saays he, " yoh'll ha' 
 t' paay, or we'll Coort yoh." " What ! !" saays ah. " Coort 
 yoh," saays he, " an' expoase yoh i' t' ' Leeads MurtfryJ 
 an' ' Yarkshur Poast,' an' i' a' t' paapers as a mon who 
 weant paay his lawfool honest debts." 
 
 " Ali'll Coort yoh," says ah, " yoh theeavish raascal ; git 
 off mah preemises," an' ah roon at him. Tallymen 
 snaatched oop his paack, floong silk an' cloath throo 
 oor open winder (ah didna sea this thof), and wint off 
 doon paath loike a shot. Deeame an' Meary wur 
 houldin' ma, an' t' fellow toorned roond, an' mad' faaces, 
 an' caw'd oot, " Gooid bye, and leeather breeaches." Ah 
 wur mad ! Ah dragged oot o' mah cooat, an' left it wi' 
 Deeame, an' arter him ah wint. Ah let oor mastiff, 
 Jowler, lose ; ah wur i' a timper ! Tallymen wur agangin' 
 quick as leightnin' doon field paath. Hawf waay alang 
 thur's a beck, an' a plaank brig t' crass it. Ah shaated, 
 " Git off mah preemises, yoh cheeatin' scaamp." Ah 
 raan, dog raan, Tallymen raan ; he'd gotten on plaank ; 
 Jowler gav' a growl, Tallymen toorned t' sea whur we 
 whur, plaank wur slippy, an' ower Tallymen what intul 
 beck, wi' his boondle o' roobbish. It wasna deeap, bud 
 thur wur watter enuf t' wet him weel throo ; his new 
 silk haat wur bent reight in, his foine cleeas a' moocky, 
 an' his troosers tore reight oop t' leg. He did cree oot 
 fer help, an' begged fer massy, an' t' kip dog off ! Mb 
 passhun had cooled a bit noo. Ah fasten'd Jowler oop, 
 an' helped Tallymen oot o' beck, an' he wur a seight wi' 
 moock, an' watter, an' freight. An' as he wint doon t' 
 rooad, oot o' mah field, ah thought tiv mesel, ah'd nivvir 
 seen a mair doon-leukin' meeaan chap i' a' mah loife. 
 
 Tallymen nivvir cam' agin for his brass, bud Messrs. 
 McAlpine & Co. sint ma a soomons, an' ah hed t' paay 
 ivviry penny/ an' mair nor twea pund ten coasts. Soa 
 ah think ah'd a better stopped a' whoam t' deay ah' mad' 
 mah goodly bargaain a' neerboor Kaistrick's !
 
 24 
 
 MAH CLOOB DEAY A' FOONTAIN'S ABBEY, 
 
 We've gotten a cloob a' Bonnybeck, an' a foine wun it 
 be. We paay soa mitcb a moonth, and whin a mimber 
 dees, his widely gits t' braass t' bury him, an' iv she dees, 
 he gits t' braass, an' iv a bairn dees, its t' saame. Ah 
 think oor Cloob, an' t' Odd Fellers, an' Forresters, an' 
 Drooids, an' t' ither societees o' traadesmen an' waarkin- 
 men, air raal guid things. They saave t' paarish iwir 
 soa mitch, an' mak' a mon prood o' his coontry. Mair's 
 t' pity soa mony Cloobs isna saafe, an' a mon, arter 
 paayin' in moonth arter moonth, an' yeear arter yeear, 
 an' pinchin' hissel t' doa it, feends at laast he's naethin' 
 t' git baack i' sickniss or deeath i' his family, a' t' braass 
 gane lang agoa. 
 
 Ah'd troonce wi' caat-o'-neen-taails, ah wud, thoase 
 meean thievish teeastrills i' a' societees, big and lahtle, 
 who tak a mon's haard yearnins t' varry brid, ah may 
 saay, o' his lahtle ones an' i' toime o' need gie him 
 baack a staane ! Sike roagues degraade humon nattur, 
 an' mak' iviry yan flay'd o' puttin' by his braass fer a 
 raainy deay, an' sit doobt an' mistroost ivirywhur. 
 Who con tell t' haarm them rich chaps i' Lunnun doa, 
 wi' thur booble compaanees an' dishoonest waays ? They 
 rooin t' pockets o' monny, bud they rooin mair the sowls, 
 an' hearts, an' faaith o' thersends. Foaks are bringin' 
 oop aud coostooms ivirywhur : let 'em bring oop, an' poot 
 oop t' Pillory (ah'v yeard feyther speeak ov) agin i' t' 
 citty o' Lunnun, an' sit a' t' cheeatin' baankers, an' 
 secretaarees, an' directurs i' it ! Mah woord, it 'ud mak 
 a chaange varry sooin " on 'chaange" as they caw it i' 
 paapers ! 
 
 We el, onst a yeear we had a Cloob ootin' sumwhur or 
 ither, an' t' deay ah'rn speeakin' ov we wint t' Foontairfs 
 Abbey, the foinest aud rooin, ah'll be bund, i' a' Englaand. 
 We mad' reeady t' goa eearly i' t' moorn, an' drew oop i' 
 proceshun i' t' villaage. T" shops wur a' shoot, bud
 
 25 
 
 pooblic hoose taaps open. We cam' alang doon broo, an' 
 paast choorch i' fust raate style, wi' oor bannir fioatin' 
 aboon oor yeads, an' oor baand pleein' 
 
 " Ah'm off fer Chaarls-toon, eearly i' t' moornin 1 ; 
 Ah'm off t' Charles-toon afoor t' breeak o' deay !" 
 
 an' sooin we gat tiv railwaay stashun. It wur a graand 
 deay, an' ah wur pleeased enuf t' ha' an ootin' t' freesh 
 pleaces, an' sea t' waarks o' God a' roond, an' t' anshunt 
 waarks o' mon, mad' i' t' honoor an' praaise o' t' guid 
 Creeator. Ah wint happy enuf, an' ah wished t' sea a' 
 ithers happy aroond ma, innocent loike, wi' cleear yeads 
 an' waarm heearts, an' een open t' a' things bootifool. 
 Bud drink ! drink ! forgie ma ! that coorsed drink 
 spoild it a'. 
 
 Moast o' mah freends an' neeboors had gotten drink i' 
 t' villaage afoor they staarted ; sum had taen greeat 
 bottles i' t' traain (not swanky yoh maay be seer), an' 
 draank a' t' waay ; an' t' foirst thing mony did whin we 
 gat t' Eipon, an' passed ower lang brig (oor baand pleein' 
 " Rory O'More " intul toon) wur t' goa t' pooblic hooses, 
 an' drink jacks an' yal agin. Baand gat moast o' a'. 
 Wun saays, " It mun be dhry waark whiselin' throo that 
 big thing tak' a soop." Anither caw's oot, " Its waarm 
 to deay wi' that heavy droom ha' a drew ;" an' soa on fra 
 Bonnybeck t' Eipon. We paassed oot o' Kipon a' reight, 
 an' on t' Stoodley Kooad, baand pleein', bud varry 
 squeaky loike, " T Flaaxen-yeaded Plooboy." Weel, on 
 we wint, an' a' t' foaks cam' oot t' leuk a' oos, as we 
 waalked in processhun (sum o' oos not varry straaight) 
 alang heigh rooad. Arter a toime we toorned off t' goa 
 throo Stoodley Royaal Pairk. We haalted insoide iron 
 yats, an' sat on graass, an' thin mair drinkin' oot o' big 
 bottles, an' baand agin gettin' mair than enuf, an' mitch 
 ower its shaare. Oor baand wur a Feef, a Droom, a 
 Troompit, an' a lang Brass Thing gangin' in an' oot, wi' 
 a lahtle wee troompit at t' ind ov it. We gat oop arter a 
 toime, an' wint on by twea's and three's ; bannir wint 
 foirst, thin baand. Troompit saays, "Noo laads, streek 
 oop, ' And Lang Syne. 1 " " Noa," saays Lang Brass Thing,
 
 26 
 
 " ah'll plee ' T Leight o' ither Deays.'" " It wasna leight r 
 bud daarkaess, i' thim deays ; thou'rt a Kooaman 
 gooise," saays Troompit. " Nivvir thee moind what ah 
 be," saays Lang Brass Thing, " ah'll plee what ah loike." 
 " An' ah'll plee what ah loike," says Feef; " ah'll plee ' T 
 Deays whin ah wint gipsyiri, a lang toime agoa.' " An' at it 
 they a' wint, i' thur own waays an' toones ; an' Droom 
 mad' a' t' noise he cud t' droond 'em a' ! 
 
 An' that wur t' waay we maarched oop t' graand avenue 
 o' Stoodley Pairk Royaal t' drink kip waarkin'! Arter a 
 lahtle while, Lang Brass Thing says t' Troompit, " Yer 
 aud feol, yer noa fit t' plee a penny whisel, or Jew'a 
 haarp ! Ah pleed a' Dewsbre Braas Baand conteest.'* 
 " Ah con beeat thee ony waay," saays Troompit, " at 
 musik or fisty coofs." " Hod thy din, thou fond 
 gawvison, ah'm gaen t' gie t' coompany, ' Slaap Baang t 
 Here we air agin, Jolly dogs air we," 1 " creed oot Lang Brass 
 Thing. " Thou wert contraary, an' ah'll be contraary," 
 saays Troompit ; " ah'll plee ' Not fer Joseph, iv he knaws 
 it /' " " An' ah," saays Feef, " wull plee A Cure ! a Cure ! a 
 perfect Cure? fer yoh're a' a set o' cures." "Am ah a 
 cure ?" saays Droom, leukin' vicious loike. " Yea," 
 saays Feef, "A Cure! a Cure! a perfect Cure !" an' he 
 pleed toon weel as he cud. Droom oop an' hits him 
 a craack acraass yed wi' droomstick. Feef fell tiv kickin', 
 an' mak's big whoales i' droomsoides. Troompit caw's 
 Lang Brass Thing, " a waall-eed donnot ;" Lang Brass 
 Thing aaimes a blaw at Troompit ; Troompit hods oop his 
 instreament t' waard it off, an' thur wur a reg'lar free 
 foight a' roond. Troompit doobled oop Lang Brass Thing /" 
 Lang Brass Thing knocks mooth pieece off Troompit f 
 Feefldps kickin' soides o' Droom in, an' Droom waacks 
 reight an' leeft wi' droomsticks ! Cloob numbers had t r 
 roosh i' wi' keeapers an' separaate 'em. Then they 
 waalked on sneerin' an' jeerin' at eeach ither, an' treein* 
 i' vaain t' mak musik i' a varry wheeazy soart o' waay. 
 Feef wax t' only wun who cud mak' onything loike ; he 
 pleed " Sea f Congkerin 1 Hearo coomes .'" an' maarched 
 i' sike a consaited waay loike, t' ithers rooshed on him, 
 gat hod o' feef an' floong it intul big laake. Soa drink
 
 27 
 
 spoiled a' oor musik that deay ! An' noo oor bannirmen 
 begaan t' roister ! Oor bannir wur a foine laarge blue 
 wun, wi' yellow fringe, an' o' wun soide thur wur writ i' 
 big gowd letters, "BONNYBECK FRIENDLY SOCIETY," wi' 
 twea hawf neaked men a-shaakin' bonds, wi' " United 
 we stacmd, divided we faall," oonderneeath. On t' ither 
 soide, i' gowd toa, an' varry big, wur thease woofds, 
 "BROOTHERLY Luv, CONCOORD, AN' UNITY." 
 
 Boath bannirmen staagered loike wi' drink, bud wudna 
 let onny wun tak' tbur pleaces. Saays Taall Bannirmon t' 
 Slioart Bannirmon, " Waalk straaigbt, yer aud fussiker, 
 doant yer sea thim leedies a leukin' at oos fra t' bonk 
 yonder ?" Leedies !" saays Sboart-un, " thim's lillies ! 
 waalk straaigbt yersel ; ah cen waalk weel enuf, bud its 
 mah belief, freend, thou'rt droonk." " Saay that agin," 
 saays Taall-un ! " an' bigow, ah'll kick tbee doon t' bonk." 
 " Thee dustna," creed Shoart-un. " Waait a wee, tull ah 
 git a mon i' mah pleace wi' t' bannir, an' ah'll show thee, 
 thou straackle-braained idyot," saaid Taall-un agin. 
 " Ah'm not afeerd o' thee, thof thou art a big bully ; ah'll 
 feight tull ah dee," saays Shoart-un. " Ah'll waalk nae 
 mair wi' t' loikes o' thee, thou Saatan's kin," shaated 
 Taall-un, an' he dug his pole i' t' groond. Shoart-un did t* 
 saame, an' thin wi' " Brootherly Luv, Concoord, /' Unity" 
 floppin' ower thur yeads, at it they wint loike tigers ! An' 
 it wur a' throo drink, fer ah knawed 'em t' beest o' 
 freends, an' quiet, respectaable foaks, whin sober. 
 Taall-un hit Shoart-un i' t' brid baas'ket (as thim poogalists 
 caw it). Shoart-un rooshed in an' stroock oot, an' brout 
 claaret fra Taall-un's sneezer. Then Taall-un boonged oop 
 Shoart-un's reight peeper ; an' soa it wint on, giv' an' taake, 
 tull ah an' ithers gat roond a piece o' watter, an' stopped 
 t' foon. 
 
 Pratty freights they wur wi' bluid, an' sweeat, an' mud;; 
 for they'd fall'n an' rowl'd ower eeach ither i' t' moock. 
 An' noo, loike feeals, they boath begaan t' cree, an' 
 shaake bonds, an' taalk a' soarts o' silly things, tull 
 disgoost mad' ma toorn awaay. Soa drink mak's a 
 strang mon weeak, an' a weeak mon a idyot ! Ah saay, 
 whin a mon's droonk, he's miraculus an' maad! an' iv
 
 28 
 
 -we've asyloonas fer foaks maad wi' religin, or luv', or wi' 
 prood thouts, all saay we neead asylooms fer foaks maad 
 wi' drink ! That soart o' maadness mak's mair haarm 
 than a' soarts o' ither maadness poot tegither ! Iviry 
 Juge, ivery majistraate, ivery ministear i' t' lond '11 saay 
 t' saame, ah knaw ! Ah sea a' roond ma what a evil 
 thing drink is ! Ah con point oot a doozen whoames i' 
 Bonnybeck mad' writched by it ; an' soom deay ah'll 
 tell'ee mair aboot thease whoames, iv yoh loike ! 
 
 Whin ah think what Englaand mud be iv it wur bud a 
 sober lond ; whin ah sea what oor waarkmen con doa ; 
 whin ah goa tiv pleaces loike smooaky Leeads an' 
 Braadforth, an' sea t' factorees, an' massheen shops, an' 
 iron waarks, an' weirhooses, an' a' t' moades an' meeans 
 o' makkin' braass, an' then sea hoo sum men waaste it, 
 arter yearnin' it soa haard, oopon stoof that yeats t' 
 braain, an' weears oot t' heealth an' stringth, an' mak's 
 woives writched, an' bairns raagged, an' whoames lahtle 
 hells oopon eearth ; whin ah seas a' this, ah soighs an' 
 ah crees oot, " Only git Yarkshurmen an' Englishmen t' 
 giv' oop drink, an' they'll beeat t' waarld i' ony weay yoh 
 loike !" 
 
 Bud ah mun coom baack t' Foontain's Abbey. Arter 
 gettin twea ither men i' pleeace o' droonken feools wi' 
 bannir, we wint on throf Pairk an' by a greeat laake tiv 
 a lahtle cot, whur an' aud deeame tak's t' shillin's fer 
 Loord dur Graay an' Eipon, an' then rings a bell. A 
 gide cooms at this an' shows foaks a' aboot. Ah 
 strooled aboot wi' sum soober freends alang butifool 
 shaady waalks, wi' foine treeas o' a' soarts an' sahzes, 
 sum foiner than ony ah'd ivir seean onywhur afoore i' 
 mah leef reeal gyants. 
 
 It's a graand pleace that Stoodley Pairk Eoyaal, an' t' 
 groonds roond it. They're laaid oot wi'oot a thout o' 
 t' braass it coast. Laakes, an' shroobberees, an' floor beds 
 o' a' coolers, an' oop, an' doon, an' roond aboot paaths, 
 wi' mahles o' coontry oonder yer een, an' ivvirythin' i' 
 order loike, an' neeat an' cleean as a new pin. Yoh con 
 waalk fer hoors through t' gaardins, an' foind ivvirywhur 
 .sumthin' freash an' pleeasin'. Oop wun steeap waalk, we
 
 29 
 
 cam' tiv a koind o' soommer hoose (Hanna Bollen's seeat 
 they caw it). T' gide floong oopen t' deer, and creed oot 
 " Foontains Abbey" An' thur, faar doon belaw, acrass a 
 pratty streeam, a' amid graass plots, an' treeas, an' 
 booshes, loike a pictur' i' a noable fraame, wur t' foine 
 and rooins o' famus Foontain's Abbey. T' squaare heigh 
 toor, an' roond an' poointed aarches (gide saaid they wur 
 Normon an' Guthic, an' t' beast contraast i' Englaand), 
 an' oopen winder ceills, air whoite an' cleean as a weel 
 kipt skeeleton, t' fleesh, an' soul, an' sperit a' gane, bud 
 t' foarm an' boanes still compleete an' perfeect. Ah 
 leuked sum tonne at this, t' iioablest pleace o' aud deays ; 
 an' ah canna think o' a better whoame fer a mon who 
 whishes t' pree an' pree a' his deays, far fra t' waarld an' 
 a' mortaal soonds, in solitoode an' peeace. Ah canna 
 think o' a better pleeace for sike a mon than Foontain's 
 Abbey, wi' t' gifts an' graaces o' Natter a' aroond, an' 
 silence deay an' neight, shaarin' t' vaales an' woods wi' t' 
 saangs o' t' birds o' heeaven ! 
 
 We wint doon t' broo, an' had a neear leuk a' aud 
 Abbott's hoose an' choorch, an' chaapels, a' neearly 
 perfeect bud t' glaass an' roofs ; ah foond mony o' oor 
 foaks thur alreeady. Baand had gotten moast drink, bud 
 reest had been driiikin' toa, an' whin they'd gotten 
 insoide rooins, they mad' Troompit an' Lang Brass Thing 
 tree a poker, they saaid, t' daance tiv on t' graass. 
 Thur wur sum lassies wi' oos, an' they seeamed willin' 
 enuf ; but ah oop tiv 'em, an' says, " If yoh mun daance, 
 daance i' anither pleace ; t' pooir aud moonks who'v pred 
 soa oft atween thease broaken an' fallin' staanes, an' 
 mony o' whose boones, mebbe, air oonderneath oor fit,, 
 wull moove i' thur graaves, iv ye daance i' sike a wholy 
 pleace." " Its nae a wholy pleace," saays Bill Halliwell, 
 oor blaacksmith's soon, " that's only Poapish sooper- 
 stishun." " Weel," saays ah, " whuriwir men woorship 
 God wi' honest heearts, an' ha' built timples to "f honor 
 o' His naame, ah saays that pleace is nae pleace fer foon 
 or spoart. Iv ah wur t' goa intul a Jews' chaapel 
 (synagoog, ah think they caw's it), ah'd behaave deacent 
 loike, an' not hoort t' feealins o' onny wun ; an' oonder
 
 80 
 
 t' shaade o' thease graand rooins, ah'd ha' a' behaave t' 
 saame." "Whoas feealin's con we hoort, and thirty 
 stun," saays anither yoong chap, an' t' lassies a' tittered 
 loike, " whin they're deead, an' rotten lang agoa. Ah'll 
 daance." " Soa wull ah," saays anither ; " soa wull ah," 
 wint roond amaang t' yoong an' thoutless. Sum o' 
 mah neehoors saaid, " Goorkrodger, thou'rt reight, mon ; it 
 isna proper t' daance whur foaks ha' preed i' aud toimes, 
 an' ower whur oor forefeythers lig hurried." An' we a' 
 treed t' mak' t' yoongsters gie oop, hud it wur na goa. 
 Drink mad' 'em eaqual t' onnythin', an' they toorned 
 oopon ma an' mah freends, an' saaid, "Yoh as donna 
 waant t' daance, mun goa oot." " Leuk at yer hannir," 
 saays ah, " let oos aact oop tiv it." " Dang t' bannir," 
 saays a droonken cawf, " oot ye mun goa." T' gide had 
 lift oos fer a toime ; ah an' ithers wi' ma wur looathe t' 
 f eight i' sike a pleace, soa we wint oot o' lahtle deer, an' 
 lift t' silly laads an' laassies t' thursens. 
 
 Weel, ah saw a' ah cud o' aud pleace ; gide shoowed oos 
 sum aud yew treeas, varry big an' spreeadin', whur 
 moonks sleapt oonder, wahle abbey wur a bildin', an' 
 they mun ha' had guid ploock, an' graand heealth, t' 
 sleeap i' t' oopen air fer moonths.* Gide tould ma he'd 
 seean doozens oopon doozens o' boadies o' moonks dug 
 oot o' groond, an' neearly ivviry wun, yoong an' aud, had 
 t' foinest an' whitest teeath he ivir saw ; an' saays he, 
 "Mah yoong bairns, an' mony yoong bairns an' foaks 
 roond aboot, ha' a' thur teeath rotten." " Hoo's that ?" 
 saays he, ah cudna tell ! Moast o' oos gat baack t' 
 Bonnybeck i' guid toime ; bud sum wur left behoind 
 drinkin', an' sum wint whoame mirackulous droonk, an' 
 a' oor toime wur taen oop leukin' arter t' beeasts, an' 
 kippin' 'em fra haarmin' thursens an' ithers. We 
 a'moast sneeaked intul Bonnybeck, ah maay saay, we 
 wur soa ashaamed o' oor droonken maates ! Ah wint 
 whoame, an' t' bead, wishin' drink an' droonkaards fur 
 enuf, an soa ended " Mah Cloob deay a 1 Foontain's Ab/iey." 
 
 41 They tould us t' moonks wur caw'd Sitter- She-tins ; ah think 
 Erother-He-uns wud be better.
 
 31 
 
 T NOOBSESABBY GOOVENESS A' FEBMEB 
 YAPHAM'S, 
 
 Iv ah pity onny pooir creeature i' t' woide warld, 
 iv ah feeal for onny humon bein' o' t' yearth, ah'v pity 
 an' feealin' fer a Noorsesarry Gooveness I An iv ah'v 
 contimpt, iv ah'v ill thout fer onybody, it is fer thoase 
 seelfish, haardharted, feeolish mortaals, who ill-treeat 
 pooir yoong heelpless creeatures they've taen intul thur 
 whoames, t' teeach thur faamilies, an' tre t' degraade 
 'em i' thur awn ees, an' t' ees o' ithers. Whin ah leuk 
 aroond ma, ah'v often nae paashense t' sea hoo things 
 goa agin reight an' reaason. Leuk at pooir Nelly 
 Hoyland ! Ah knawed her feyther yeears agane ; an' a 
 better or faairer mon nivvir stepped i' shoo leeather. 
 He'd a deacentish ferine neear t' wild, woide-streeatchin' 
 mooars o' nor-eaast Yarkshur soa graand i' thur 
 saavage-loike solitood ; an' seeamed weel enuf t' doa ; 
 an', o' coorse, had plinty o' freends. 
 
 Bud 'lecshun cam'. Squeer wint wun weay, Fermer t' 
 ither. Squeer saays, "Ah expects mah tenants t' voat 
 as ah voat." Fermer saays, " Ah'v taen yer lond, sir, 
 an' ah paay yoh a faair rint fer it ; ah owe yoh that, an' 
 ah paay it. Ah donna owe yoh onnythin' eelse, bud 
 proper civility as mah londloord. Mah conshunce an' 
 mah principles air mah own. Ah'll voat as a free 
 Englishmen, an' ah shall allus voat as ah think reight 
 an' best fer mah coontry !" Noo iv ah wur a rich mon, 
 an' hed plinty o' braass, an' lond o' mah own, ah should 
 rispect a tenant loike honest Hoyland 1 He wur worth 
 twinty lick spittles, ah saay, but Squeer thinks this 
 " doctrene," as he caw'd it, " daang'rus," an' he gies 
 Fermer six moonths' noatice t' quit. He wur saadly poot 
 aboot t' gat a frish ferme. His Deeame cudna abear t' 
 leeave aud whoam, an' fell sick an' deed. Iwiry wun 
 cooms on him a' at onst ; Fermer seells off at' greeat loss, 
 An' paays a'. He has wun hoondred an' fifty punds left,
 
 82 
 
 an' taakes groacer's shop at Whitby ; a noice pleeace, 
 Nelly tould ma, wi greeat cliffs, an' a foine saandy 
 beeach, an' rooined Abbey o' Saaint Hilda oop a' top o' 
 wun soide, an* rows o' big hooses fer visiters on t' ither, 
 wi' toon an' haarboor doon atween. 
 
 Weel, Fermer Hoyland mad' a pooir adoo o' bizness ; 
 thur's mony loike him, they canna tak' tiv a new loine a' 
 at onst. He wur honest, toa, an' gav' guid weeight, an' 
 sold his sugaar, an' teay, an' coffy, an' ivvirythin' wi'oot 
 'doolteraatin 1 'em, as they caw it. An' ah'd flog (an' 
 loike t' job vaastly) wi' a rod o' neettles t' mon who 
 cheeats t' pooir wi' faalse meeasure, an' mak's t' food 
 God seends oos fer oor heealth an' streength intul 
 pooison i' oor booels. Ah think t' heighwaay robber (t' 
 mon who steeals, mebbe, t' satisfy his hoongry faamily) 
 nae sinner at a' besoide thoase smirkin', smilin', 
 hoombooggin' fellers behoind a coonter, who gie yoh a 
 staane whin ye ax fer brid, an' mix, an' chaange, an* 
 'doolteraate ivvirythin', t' git mair braass oot o' yoh, tull 
 yoh donna knaw iv onnythin' yoh eeat or drink is guid 
 or baad. T' seeads ah bout baack ind o' laast yeear, 
 wur hawf o' 'em deead. They've mad' Act o' Parl'rnent, 
 ah heer, agin pooisonin' and chaangin' seeads. What 
 villaains men mun be t' rooin t 1 increease o' mon's food 
 fer profit ! An' t' deein' mon's droogs air of teen (oor 
 Bonnybeck dochter saays) nae guid, thur weeakened soa 
 by t' drooggisters, to gaain mair. Oot on sike raascals, 
 ah saay, evin iv they sit i' t' froont bench a' kirk or 
 chaapel o' Soonday, weear braaid clooath, an' gowd 
 waatches, an' gie pairt o' thur ill-gat braass t' skeuals an' 
 misshuns ! Oot on 'em, laads, ah'd loike t' set Jowler at 
 'em better nor Talleymon, ah wud ! * 
 
 Weel, Fraank Hoyland wur an' honest mon, an' gay' 
 perhaaps toa mitch strap, thinkin' ithers loike hissel ; 
 onnyhoo he baanked, an' t' baankin' brack his heeart. 
 He cudna beear t' ha' it saaid he owed monny t' onywun, 
 an' whin he faailed, a' faailed moind, an' sperrits, an' 
 poor o' waark. His boady ligs on that cliff ah spoak o', 
 
 *Ah meean this fer braid Englaand; not fer Whitby, or onny toon 
 aloane.
 
 33 
 
 beneeath t' shaade o' t' aud abbey, an a' t' stoorms o' t' 
 Jarmin Oshun sweeap ower his pooir graave wi'oot a 
 staane or maark, oanly a loo graass mound t' shoow 
 his reestin' pleeace. Pooir Nelly had nae meeans t' doa 
 mair than burry her feyther ; bud thoase stoorms, an' 
 thoase winds as they sough a' roond oor cooast, 
 donna blaw onnywhur ower t' graave o' a mooar 
 honest mon, or trooer English heeart, than pooir Fermer 
 Hoyland ! 
 
 Pity it is t' raace is deein' oot ! ah con sea it deay by 
 deay ! Munny is gettin' a' praaise, a' dooty, dmoast 
 a' woorship i' Englaand, an' t' aud virtues, t' aud sperrit 
 o' 't' peuple is sinkin' oonderneeath t' looad ! Ah con sea 
 it, ah greeave at it, ah doa ! 
 
 Weel, pooir Nelly mun doa sumthin' ; she'd noa toime 
 t' spind weeapin' an' lamentin', loike monny betterin' 
 foaks doa, makkin', as paarson saaid i' t' poolpit, a 
 looksarry o' sorrow ! Her feythur had gien her a pratty 
 deacent eddicashun, an' she noo treed t' toorn it t' 
 accoont teeachin' ithers. She cam' t' stop wi' oos at 
 Bonnybeck whilst she advurtysed fer a situaashun. An' 
 what that pooir laass wint throf cawin' oopon foine 
 leedies an' stook oop foaks, and pootin' oop wi' thur 
 insoolts, ah canna tell ! Ah'm ashaamed o' wimmin 
 koind whin ah sea 'em wi'oot heeart or feelin' fer t' 
 sooft'erin's an' misfertoons o' thur own sex. Monny 
 feeamales deloight i' shaamin' an' crooshin' thoase who 
 air crooshed enuf alreeady, God knaws, by powerty an' t' 
 greefs o' humon loife ! 
 
 Ah beleeve ah knaw leedies, or thoase who caw 
 thursels leedies, who answer advurtysements, an* 
 git pooir creeaturs anxious aboot gettin' ony pleeace 
 i' t' woide waarld t' traavel lang mahles fer mere 
 paastoime, an' foon, t' fill oop idle hoors o' t' moorn. 
 Wun foine creeature, fra neear Halifax, wroat t' Nelly, 
 an' axed her aage, an' ither things. Nell wroat baack, 
 saayin' she wur eaghteen. Leedy sint fer her a' t' 
 waay ; an' off Nelly wint fool o' whoape an' joy. Leedy 
 wur donned oot i' crimson silk an' gowd chaains, an' 
 arter a quesshun or twea, she saays, " Ah donna waant 
 
 o
 
 34 
 
 onny wiin oonder twinty-fahve." That is trooth ! an' 
 why did she sind fer Nelly, an' tak' oop her whoale deay, 
 an' deceive an' plee wi' her feelin's, whin she knawed 
 she wur oanly eaghteen ! Ah saay sike things air crooel, 
 an' they're doon ivviry deay, becas pooir gooveness 
 lasses air moastly defeenceless, an' offen ha' nae freends. 
 Ah'd loike t' tell that paarty she's nae reeal leedy ! 
 a bit o' mah moind, ah shud, wi' a' her crimson silk an' 
 gowd chaains ! 
 
 Weel, Nell treed iwirywhur, an' paaid fer advurtyse- 
 ments, an' wroat t' advurtysenients, an' a' nae guid. She 
 wur a'moast brocken heearted, fer she knew ah wur- a 
 pooir mon, an', willin' as ah an' aud Deeame wur, cudna 
 kip her fer iwir. At laast she heeard o' a pleace as 
 Noorsarry Gooveness, t' teeach foor bairns, at a ferine 
 hoose neear Wetherby, an' mak' hersel ginerally usefool. 
 She wroat aboot it, an' Mrs Yapharn, the former's woife, 
 agreead t' tak' Nelly a' foorteen punds a yeear, an' paay 
 her own weshin'. 
 
 Weel, pooir Nelly wished oos " guid bye," an' wint tiv 
 her pleeace, happy enuf t' be doin' sumthin' i' t' waarld fer 
 hersel, fer she wur an active, willin' laass, an' wudna be a 
 boorden t' onny wun, if she cud heelp it. Meary had a 
 latter noo an' agin fra her, an' ah didna loike t' waay 
 they wur wroat in; they seeamed (whin Meary red 'em 
 tiv oos) t' be foarced loike, an' not i' Nelly's natteral 
 waay. 
 
 Moonth arter moonth wint on, an' wun deay, ah'd been 
 gittin' tatees i' t' cloase, an' wur staandin' wi' mah foark 
 i' mah hond, an' thinkin' hoo t' groobs had beean amang 
 mah crop, draat 'em, whin ah seed a leedy coomin' alang 
 t' paath oop t' mah hoose* Ah wint in t' tell Deeame 
 an' Meary, an', saays Deeame, " Ah'll be bund its t' traact 
 leedy, an' ah'v been an' lit t' fire i' t' daark wi' t' wun 
 she left. It wur, thou knawest, 'A Deealog atween a 
 Baarber's block an' a Minister;' what mun ah doa." 
 " Paay fer it," saays ah. " Ah mun gie saxpence tit leedy, 
 fer pooir skeuals," saays Deeame, " ah'll paay that waay," 
 an' she'd gotten her purs reeady t' foind wun, whin who 
 shud coom in bud pooir Nelly Hoyland, leukin' soa
 
 85 
 
 paale, an' soa weeak ! She kissed oos, an' then ah saays, 
 " What's matter, laass ? ah think thou heant coomfort- 
 aable loike wur thou art." T' pooir thing, fer answer, 
 boorst intul teears. An' it wur a sorroofool taale she 
 tould oos. She'd only a Ketoorn Ticket fer the deay, an' 
 they'd haardly let her git that, an' she'd t' mak' a lang 
 stooary shoart. 
 
 She tould oos she had foor bairns, fra three years aud 
 t' neen, t' eddicaate, an' they wur oonrooly, wilfool 
 childre, an' t' mither tuk thur pairts i' a' things. Iv 
 Nelly treed t' mak' 'em doa aught i' t' warld, mither wur 
 oop an' saays, " Ah wullna ha' t' sperrits o' mah bairns 
 brocken by t' loikes o' yoh ; yoh mun be koind tiv 'em or 
 goa !" as if Nelly cud be onnything bud koind t' a' aroond 
 her ! Then t' bairns wud mock, an' mak' gaame o' thur 
 skeulmistriss, an' gang thur own gate, an' doa jist as 
 they'd a moind t' doa i' spite o' Nelly ; an' then mither wud 
 boorst in agin, creein' oot, " Ah'll noa paay goovenesses 
 fer helpin' bairns plaay ; yoh mun teeach 'em an' mak' 
 ''em leearn, or goa." An' Nelly treed her best deay arter 
 deay, bud it wur seead caast oopon rock, an' didna sink 
 in ; an' they leearnt lahtle or naught, an' only what 
 they pleeased, an' that wur preesheus lahtle ! Mither 
 allus taakin' thur pairt, an' makkin' gooveness "kip her 
 pleeace," as she cawd it. 
 
 Arter teeachin' a' deay, an' keeapin' t' foor oonroolly 
 braats i' oorder fra moorn tull neight ; gettin' 'em oop, 
 weshin' 'em, coorlin' thur yair, (that wur bein' ginerally 
 usefool !) servin' 'em a' meeals, waalkin' 'em oot at 
 toimes, an' haappy releease ! poottin' 'em t' bed, Nelly 
 had t' sit oop makkin' an' mendin' thur cleas, oft an' 
 oft tull paast twelve o' t' clock ! 
 
 Onst whin a ferme lassie fell sick, Deeame Yapham 
 axed Nelly t' tak' her pleace, an' goa tiv market wi' eggs, 
 an' bootter, an' foules. Nelly saaid, " That isna t' dooty 
 o' a noorsesarry gooveness " "Aye bud it be," saays 
 mistress, "yoh're t' be 'ginerally usefool, 1 an' yoh mun 
 doa it or goa !" An' pooir Nell wi'oot whoame, wi'oot 
 freends, an' wishin' t' git a charaktur fer a better pleace, 
 walk'd foive mahles t' market i' t' raain, an' cowld, an'
 
 36 
 
 mad' hersel " ginerrally usefool " i' fifty waays She 
 had t' toorn chaamber maaid, hoose maaid, noorsesarry 
 gooveness, an' maarket lass. " Ah shudna moind soa 
 mitch," saaid pooir lass, " iv they wur koind wi' it a', 
 an' treed t' mak' ma coomfortable, bud they think ah'm 
 better toort an' aboon 'em soa far, an' they tak' preed i' 
 woondin' mah feealins. Iv onny body coomes t' sea 'em, 
 they mak' ma shaamed loike : its allus, " Donna moind 
 her, she's only oor noorsesarry gooveness ;" an' mistress 
 oorders ma aboot, an' chides ma loike a bairn afoor 
 onywun. Ah oust spoake aboot leeavin', ah wur soa 
 heurt ; an' she saaid, " Yoh remimber thur's sax moonths 
 notidge atween oos, ah ha' it i' yoor haand wreetin', an iv 
 yoh leeave, ah'll stap yoor mooney, an' mebbe prison, 
 yoh, an' whur wull yoor charakturbe then !" 
 
 " T' aud vixen," saays ah. staartin' oop ; " niwer moind 
 'em, Nelly, ah'll staandt' raacket; stop here wi' oos, mah 
 pooir bairn." Deeame an' Meary saaid t' saame, an' preed 
 Nelly " not t' goa baack t' sike a baad lot ;" but she wur 
 firm to goa, an' saaid, " Hoo ah thaank yoh, Mister 
 Goorkrodger, an' yoor koind woife an' darter ; ah shall 
 allus feeal graatfool t' yoh, bud ah mun goa baack, an' 
 gie sax moonths' notidge ; ah'v agreead tiv it, an' ah rnun 
 keeap mah woord." As an honest mon, ah cud saay 
 naethin' 'gaainst this, bud ah saaid, " Moind, an r gie 
 notidge at onst, an' coom here whin toime's oop ; an', 
 Nelly, tell Mistress Yapham that yoh ha' freends who'll 
 tak' yoor pairt, iv they treeat yoh baadly onny niair." 
 She wint baack, an' letters cam' fra her, bud nae 
 coomplaints. She'd telled oos t' letters wur taen t' poast 
 office by t' maister, an' she knew mistress red 'em ; an T 
 trooly t' wuns we gat leuked as iv they'd been opened, 
 an' plaaistered oop agin. We a' felt a greeat deeal fer 
 pooir Nelly, her sperits seeamed soa broken, (thof 
 Yapham's bairns wur not t' ha' thur's broken !) an' whin 
 t' heeart is sair, t' body sooin follas ; a moind ooneaasy 
 mak's a fraame oonheealthy ; an' its nobbut worrit kills 
 hawf t' waarld afore thur toime, ah's seer ! 
 
 Weel, weeak arter weeak passed, an' noa letter fra 
 Nelly. Meary wroate an' wroate, an' noa answer. At
 
 37 
 
 laast wun moorn a greeat scrawly letter cam'. 1" teears 
 fell faast as Meary reead it. It wur as follars : 
 
 " T' MISTER TIMOTHY GOORKKODGEB, 
 
 " FEEMER, BONNYBECK. 
 
 " Sur, As ah larnt fra t' laate Ellen Hoyland that yoh 
 wur a freend o' hers, ah wrete t' saay that she wur taen 
 ill sum weeaks ago wi' feaver, an' we sint her thof a lang 
 waay off tit Infermarry, as ov coorse we cudna kip her 
 i' t' hoose wi' hairns. She deed thur twea deays ago, an' 
 wull be burred to-morrow moorn. She'd been ailin' sum 
 toime, an' cudna teeach as agreead, an' we had a docter's 
 bill t' paay, soa thur's naethin' owin' tiv her. Her cleas 
 yoh con ha' by sendin', or we wull sind 'em by traain. 
 " Yoor Sarvent, 
 
 " GREGORY YAPHAM." 
 
 An' this wur t' ind o' pooir Nelly ! Ah canna troost 
 mesel t' say what ah think aboot t' brootes, (an' thur's 
 monny sike i' t' warld aroond,) who ill-treeated, an' ah 
 may saay, moordered her ! Bud fer her, an' fer a 
 thoosand ither dealy an' hoorly maartyrs, thur is a 
 woord that canna lee, an' it written " Vengeance is 
 moine, saayeth f Loord, cm' ah wull repaay"
 
 88 
 
 A WEEAK AT HAEROGAIT, 
 
 Wun toime ah wur troobled varry mitch wi' rhooniatiz,. 
 an' mah cloob docter saays, " Iv yoh con manidge it, 
 Mister Oroorkrodger, ah'd advahse yoh t' goa tiv Harro- 
 gait a bit ; t' watter thur is guid fer rhoomatiz, an' yoh 
 con git t' beast advahce thur." Ah'd gat soa mony akes, 
 an' twinges, an' nae releeaf deay or neight, ah mad' oop 
 mah moind ah wud goa tit watters by mesel, an' Deeame 
 an' Meary t' coom arterwaards, fer a deay or twea, an' goa 
 baack wi' ma. Soa ah gat mah traaps an' changes tegither, 
 an' wint by traain t' Harrogait. Ah'd gotten oot o' traain 
 at stastmn, an' wur leukin' arter mah baag an' box, whin a 
 mon cooms oop, an' stairin' quite haard at ma, caws oot 
 lood, " Pat Lee this waay !"* Ah saays, " Mah naame isna 
 Pat Lee, ah's not Irish, ah's Yaarkshure, an' mah 
 naame's Timothy Goorkrodger, an' ah'm not gaein' yoor 
 waay." Mah ee, what wur thur fer them big porturs t' 
 laf at ? bud they did laf, an' a' t' peuple roond aboot, an' 
 ah wur glaad t' tak' oop mah baag an' sma' box, an' git 
 oot o' stashun. 
 
 Weel, ah wint oot, an' axed a chap staanding by a 
 carridge t' waay tit Jordge, Harrogait. "Is it Heigh 
 or Low ?" saays mon. " Its naythur," saays ah. " It 
 mun be wun," saays he. " Noa," saays ah agin, " ah'v 
 noa braass fer t' Heigh, an' ah'll not goa tit Low ; its a 
 Middle pleeace ah want." "Weel," saays mon, " thur's 
 only Heigh an' Low here." " Jim," saays he t' a chap 
 at a hoarse's yed " Jim, here's a gent as waants Middling 
 Harrogait ; whur is it ?" An iv a' them cooachmen an' 
 fellows waaitin' aboot stashun didna laff loike guid uns, 
 an' mad ma quite shaamed loike ! Soa ah wint on an' 
 tuk noa notidge, which is t' beast waay offen whin foaks 
 mak' gaame o' yoh ! Ah wint straait acrass by sum big 
 
 * Ah foond oot arterwaard, Portur meeant Pateley Brig Stashun.
 
 89 
 
 red Looses an' shops, an' cam' t' a noable Poast Offis, 
 wi' V. B. an' a Croon i' gowd i' a' t' Aviiiders. 
 
 Poast Offis foaks wur that busy, ah pittid 'em. A. boy 
 creed, " A penney staamp, pleease 1" a leedy saays, 
 " Ah'm coom t' paay dooty fer this pooppy dog ; is he 
 and enuf?" a girl waanted t' poot hawf-a-croon i' t' 
 saavin's bonk ! thin a' aud mon axed aboot annooities ! 
 agin, a gintlemon saays, " This tilligraam mun goa 
 immeadiately ! hoo mitch is it ?" Thin foaks had letters 
 fer Americy, an' Ingia, an' Hostrallyer, an' noa ind o' 
 quesshuns t' ax ; ithirs had taaxes t' paay, poast offis 
 oarders t' git an' send, staamps t' bye an' sell ; an r 
 altegither its haard waark fer braains o' maist foaks. 
 
 Ah axed Postmeaster, a varry civel aud gintlemon, t* 
 waay t' Jordge Hottel. " Furst toornin' reight," saays 
 he, " jist by Kally-be-ate-Spaw." Soa ah wint as he toold 
 mah, an' found the pleeace weel enuf. Arter a Height's 
 rest, ah wint t' sea t' toon, an' a' t' soights, an' ax aboot 
 docters an' t' watters. 
 
 Harrogait is built on a greeat common chiefly, caw'd t' 
 Straay, wi' hooses faacin' twea waays ; wun soide is Heigh 
 Harrogait, tither Low Harrogait. On t' biggest pairt o* 
 t' Straay, faacin' Heigh Harrogait, thur's t' aud wells, 
 Too Hits an' Saaint John's, an' in Low Harrogait, thur's 
 a' t' soolphur wells, an' ither Kally-be-at-wells, or spaws. 
 It mun be a varry airy pleeace in winter, ah think, wi' a 
 nor-eeaster a blowin' ; fer a' t' hooses ha' plenty o' spaace 
 roond 'em, an' thur's naethin' t' stop t' wind, onnywhur, 
 eeast, weest, nor, or sooth. An' it'll allus be the saame, for 
 Act o' Parl'ment saays, Straay o' twea hoondred akers, 
 mun be kipt free o' hooses fer ivvir. Ah think a few 
 mair treeas mud be plaanted, fer shaade is a reeal blessin' 
 i' t' soommer. 
 
 Thur's monny graand Hottels i' Harrogait. T' 
 Queean's is t' audest, ah'v been tould ; it staands neear 
 whur t' furst pooblic hoose o' t' saame naame onst 
 stood. It has pratty gaardins i' t' froont, an' a foontin', 
 an' leuks a raare neeat pleeace fer them as lies plinty o' 
 braass ; bud t' insoide isna fer t' loikes o' ma. Thur's 
 wooden seeats ootsoide moast o' t' hottels, an hoo foaks
 
 40 
 
 con sit tliur hoor arter hoor, i' t' soon, wi' lioondreds o' 
 paassers by leuken at em, ah canna mak oot ! Ah loike 
 a quiet pleeace t' sit an' smoak mah peep. Thur's 
 plinty o' seeats, an' paaths here an' thur an' ivvirywhur 
 for pooblic, wi' pratty lahtle white yats, bud naane toa 
 woide fer a mon o' mah sahze ! ah stoock faast i' wun ! 
 All toorned roond by t' Prince o' Whales, anither big 
 hottel foorther on than Queean's, an' wur reeadin' aboot 
 a saale an' a consoort ; t' bills wur paasted oopon a big 
 heigh staane by rooadside ; whin a yoong gintlemon who 
 wur reeadin' saame bills, spoak t' ma. Saays he, "Its 
 a foine deay." " A graand deay, thank God," saays ah. 
 " Noice weeather fer t' crops," saays he. " Jist whot'll 
 bring t' wheeat an' wheats on," saays ah, pleeased enuf 
 t' ha' sum wun t' speeak to i' mah solitood ! " Yoor 
 gangin' mah waay, ah sea," saays yoong gintlemon ; an' 
 he wur dressed neeat an' i' t' beast o' cleas, an' wur a 
 gintlemon ah cud seea. " Ah'm gangin' doon Parl'ment 
 streeat," he wiut on, "we con waalk tegither." We 
 waalked alang by sma' straay, an' whin we gat faacin' 
 Prospect Pleeace, gintlemon saaid, " Yoh seeam tired." 
 Ah wur tired wi' hoors o' waalkin'! " Sooppoase we sit 
 doon a few minutes." Ah agreead, an' we sot doon o' a 
 white seeat. " Pratty pleeace this, "saaid yoong gintlemon ; 
 " Heigh Harrogait remoulds ma varry mitch o' Claapham 
 Common, Lunnon : thur's a church i' ' middle o' t' 
 graass, a bit o' a pond, hooses an' villas a' roond, 
 donkeys an' pleeasure coompany ; iv thur wur a few 
 boosses, ah mud think mesel at whoam." " Yoor fra 
 Lunnun, sir," saays ah. " Lunnun laast," saays he, 
 " bud ah'm a cityzen o' t' waarld ; ah'v seean mony londs, 
 an' breeathed t' perfoomed air o' mony climes. Ah'v 
 coom t' far faamed Harrogait fer mah heealth ; are yoh, 
 mah freend, i' poorsoot o' t' saame blessin' ?" Ah tould 
 him, " Yea," an' axed him "whur ah cud git advahce 
 cheeap." " Why," saays he, " thur's a Baath Hospitaal 
 ower the bogs yonder, bud ah wudna advahse yoh t' goa 
 thur. Yoh git advahce, an' med'cin, an' watter grattis, 
 bud yoh mun live i' t' hoose, an' mak' yoorsel usefool, 
 an' doa a' t' waark they gie yoh. Ah'm tould wun
 
 41 
 
 paashent (an' he wur mair paasJient thin ah'd be), had 
 saxty-eaght paair o' moody boots t' cleeau eeach moorn, 
 an' he only gat off, arter a weeak's waark, by shaammin' 
 he'd a greeat rhoomatiz in his reight aarm an' shoolder. 
 Ah'v seean t' Eooles o' t' Hospitaal, an' they say, ' Iv 
 yoh ax onny questshuns o' onnybody, or goa aboot wi' 
 yoor shoon on, or whistle, or blow yoor noase too haard, 
 or smooake, or tak' mair nor wun peace o' brid at dinner, 
 yoh'll be leable t' instaant dismissall.' " " Ah'll noa goa 
 thur," says ah ; "ah'm not coom t' that yet 1 !" 
 
 " Weel," saays yooiig gintlemon, " ah'v a seacret : con 
 yoh kip it?" "Ah think ah con," saays ah, "noo 
 Deame isna here t' git it oot o' ma !" " Yoh knaw," 
 saays he, " t' pooir Yarkshur foaks o' docters canna be 
 suspected t' ken aboot fissick loike t' Lunnun ones wi' t' 
 Queean, an' t' Hoose o' Loords, an' a' t' Hairystockrazy 
 roond 'em ! Weel, ah yeeard a greeat fissishun saay 
 a'moast a' complaaints cud be cured by t' Harrogait 
 watters ; bud t' pooir feeols o' Yarkshur docters donna 
 knaw hoo t' presscribe 'em. Whur is yoor mah leedy, 
 mah freend ?" and he toorned t' ma. Ah thout it a 
 straange queshun ; bud ah saaid, " She's a-whoam, bud 
 she's neea leedy, bud a plaain fermer's woife, is mah aud 
 Deeame !" He smoiled an' said, " Ah meean yoor 
 dissease, what yoh ha' t' maatter wi' yoh ?" " Oh," 
 saays ah, " its a plaggy rhoomatiz, an' ah canna mooave 
 it." " Jist t' thing," saays he, <l it's kill or cuer, an' 
 cuer a'moast certaain. Natter gies oos mony blessin's, 
 i' t' shaape o' natteral gifts, iv we only know hoo f use 'em ; 
 that's t' seacret ! Thur's hoondreds o' things we 
 caw weeads, bud they're guid fer mony complaaints." 
 " That's troo, sir," saays ah, " ah knaw mony an aud 
 woman a' Bonnybeck maks stooff oot o' warm wood, an' 
 agrimonny, an' ither wild herbs, which beeats a' t' 
 docters' fissick." "Yea," saays he, "ah folly natter; iv 
 docters folly natter, ah folly 'em, bud gie ma natter foirst. 
 
 ' Dear Natter is t' koindest Hither still,' 
 
 as t'immoortal Byron saays," saays he. "Ahwhoap t' docters 
 o' Harrogait folly natter ; bud here we con git t' gifts o'
 
 42 
 
 natter wi'oot 'em. We mun goa to t' root o' t' evil i' a v 
 disseeases ' ploo deeap] as yoh wud saay, mah freend. Iv 
 yoh goa tiv a docter, he'll kip yoh weeak arter weeak wi' 
 a glaass fool o' this, an' hawf a glaass fool o' that : he'll 
 begin at Sweeat Well (John's they caw it), an' i' a' 
 moonth git yoh t' Moontpellyer, or Cheltenham, or Aud 
 Soolphur, an' jist as yoh're gaangin' awaay, he'll begin t' 
 tooch yoor coomplaint. That's varry weel fer rich foaks, 
 bud ah sooppose yoh canna waaist weeak arter weeak?" 
 " That ah canna," saays ah, " ah mun be whoame i' 
 a weeak t' seea t' hahvest." " Weel thin," saaid yoong 
 gintlemon, " noo ah coom to t' point Thease watters 
 are happyarant, deeoretik, sedaateev, haltaraateev, 
 deeaforeetick, tonick, steamoolaant, hexhitant, an r 
 deeobstrooent." "Air they a' that?" saays ah, poot 
 oot a bit wi' t' breeak-jaw neeames. " Yea," saays he, 
 " an' mair coom neearer, an' waait tull that yoong leedy 
 gaes by, she mud heear ; mah seacret is this, an yoh 
 mun promise t' kip it fra f docters 'specially, an' ivviry 
 one !" an' he waaited fer mah woord. Ah promised him 
 "ah'd nivir saay a woord t' moortal mon, womon, or 
 bairn, iv he'd be soa koind as t' tell mah t' seacret." 
 
 "A mon," saaid he, "in Paaris mad' a fortoon gittin' 
 a' koinds o' snoof, an' mixin' 'em, an' caw'd 'em Tabaac 
 dur med floor snoof o'a thoosaand smeels, an' ivviry wun 
 wud ha' it, an' foond it beeat a' t' snoof i' t' warld ! 
 Coompoondin' is t' greeat art i' ivvirything. What is 
 goonpaahder ? goonpaahder which rivals t' thoonder o' t' 
 hivens ! it is coompoonded o' simple chaarcool, soolphoor, 
 an' saaltpitter ; coompoondin is t' premoom mobbilly* o r 
 med'sin, an' its t' foontin' yed o' mah receet," saays he. 
 " Ah'v mad' a greeat discoovery fer t' hoomon raace, an* 
 iv ah hadna seean summut honest loike i' yoor faace, 
 mah freend, ah wudna ha' toold yoh a woord!" "Ah'm 
 varry mitch obleeged, sir," saays ah ; " ah'll keeap yoor 
 confidence. This plaggy rhoomatiz is a greeat hindraance 
 fer a fermer. Ah'd gie a'moast onny thing t' git rid o' it. 
 
 " Weel, mah freend," saays he, " folly what ah tell yoh 
 ezzaktly. Iv wun o' t' spaw watters doos soa mitch 
 * Primum mobile the main spring. P. D.
 
 48 
 
 ichat mun they doa a 1 coompoonded tegither ? Iv drinkin' 
 wun spaw wull cuer a mon i' a moonth, drinkin 1 'em a 1 at 
 onst mun cuer him in a deay or twea. Its plaain an' cleear 
 as a maaxhim o' Hugh Clyd."* Ah niwir yeard o' that 
 chaap ; bud ah kipt mah peeace, an' ah whoaped t' mesel 
 he wur a Yaarkshurmon. "Hoo mun ah sit aboot 
 coompoondin' t' watters," saaid ah ; " mun ah begin 
 onnywhur i' pertickooleer ?" " Yoh mun git a big staane 
 bottle t' hoold a gallon an' a hawf, at leeast," saaid 
 gintlemon, " an' a hawf pint tin can, an' sum string ; yoh 
 mun git oop varry early, goa t' bogs foirst, an' thin iwiry 
 well an' spaw i' Heigh an' Low Harrogait (iv yoh miss 
 wun it wull mebbe spoil it a') ; tak' a meeasure fool at 
 eeach, noa mair an' noa less, an' thin drink twea toombles 
 fool o' t' mixtoor a' moorn, neean, an' neight. Mind not 
 a ward o' this greeat seacret f a sowl. An' noo, mah freend, 
 whoapin' yoh'll git yoor heealth sooin, an' ha' a saafe 
 joorney baack t' Bonnybeck, ah'll wish yoh guid deay." 
 An' yoong giutlemon shook haands wi' ma, an' wint off. 
 Ah wur pleeased t' think ah cud cuer mah coomplaint 
 soa sooin an' soa eeasy, an' ah* wint baack t' mah hottel 
 fool o' mah greeat seacret. Ah gat a big staane bottle, 
 an' a can, an' sum string, an' nixt moorn, by sivin 
 o' t' clock, oot ah slipped fra hottel, an' mad' mah waay 
 acrass straay, through a lahtle white yat, alang a field 
 paath, t' a maarshy piece o' groond o' aboot twea akers, 
 caw'd the Bogs. Foaks saay it wur onst t' cratter o' a 
 volcanno, an' they toold ma aboot a Moont Vessoovyoos 
 i' Hittally, wi' soolphoor a' roond it. Ah whoap chaps 
 weant sit fire t' this cratter agin. Iv ah wur livin' i' 
 Harrogait, ah'd gang awaay on Bon-Fire Deay, ah wud T 
 Thur's sulphoor ivvery where, an' the cratter mud 
 boorst oot agin wi' thur fire-waarks an' goonpaahder t 
 Thur's wells a' ower t' Bogs, an' traap deers i' t' 
 groond wi' iron rings. Ah pood oop foirst wun pah ! 
 faugh ! Ah wur a'moast stoonk oot ! T' watter wur 
 coovered wi' a thick black scoom, an' as mitch loike ditch 
 watter as onythin' ah iwir seed ; bud ah knelt doon an' 
 dipped a can fool. Then ah wint tiv anither well ; t' 
 * Euclid. P. D.
 
 44 
 
 waiter seeamed a diff'rent shaade o' color, bud it smelled 
 warse and warse. Ah wint tiv a' t' Bog wells, fifteen 
 or mair, ah beleeve, an' gat a drap o' eeach i' mah 
 staane bottle. Ah didna know that a' t' whoile a paack 
 o' sawcy laads wur leukin' at ma fra behoind a sma' 
 brick pleeace, ower some o' t' better soort o' watter. 
 " Wilta gie a drap ?" saays wun. "Its foine Harrogait 
 mixture," saays anither big un. " Moind t' bottle dustna 
 blow oop, t' soolphoor's varry straang." " Tee t' cark," 
 creed a third yoong vagaboon ! Ah took noa notidge. 
 Ah knawed oor greeat English hobbledeehoys air t' 
 warst brid, an' t' warst maannered i' t' waarld ; an' t' 
 wards they use, an' t' naames they caw eeach ither i' t' 
 streeats, air disgoostin', an' beeastly. Ah whoap wun 
 deay, better eddicashun wull mak oor common foak 
 speeak an' taalk tiv wun anither wi'oot takkin God's 
 naame i' vaain, an' shockin' a' deacent peuple wi' filthey 
 wards, iwiry moament. Ah doa whoap that, ah doa ! 
 
 Weel, arter ah'd finished a' t' loo doon wells, ah wint 
 oop broo t' a lahtle cot w H a taap behoind it fer t' foaks t' 
 git Magerneshear watter, as they caw it. Ah wur toornin' 
 t' taap, whin a traadesmon-loike mon saays, " What ha' 
 yoh gotten i' that bottle ? it mun be quiet cleean for this 
 watter !" An' afoor ah cud stop him, he tilted t' staane 
 bottle reight ower, an' let a' mah watter roon oot ! 
 " That dirty stoof wi' niwer doa t' mix wi' this foine 
 broight watter ? hoo is it yoh didna knaw it ?" saays he. 
 Ah wur riled ! a' mah trooble gaen fer naethin'. " Ah 
 nivvir axed yoh yoor opinyon," saays ah t' mon ; " ah 
 wish yoh'd leeave ither peuple's things aloane." He only 
 whistled, an' wint awaay. 
 
 Weel, thur wur naethin' for it, bud t' begin agaain, an' 
 gang baack t' bog wells. Mah shoolders did ake a bit, 
 stooping for t' dirty stoof twice ower. Bud ah'm not a 
 mon t' be beeat varry sooin. Ah often think o' what t' 
 skeual bairns sing : 
 
 " Iv at foirst yoh don't sooeceed, tree, tree agin ;" 
 an' treein- agin has maade hawf t' greeat men, an' greeat 
 coontrys (Englaand amang 'emj what they air ! Ah gat 
 mah fifteen cans fool agin, an' thin wint t' Kally-a-bit
 
 45 
 
 waiter at a poomp i' Hospital gaardins. Yat wur slioot r 
 soa ah had t' git ower a wall ; a mon shooted jist as ah'd 
 gat t' watter, an' ah had t' roon pratty shaarp, an' git 
 baack agin ower wall not an eeasy thing fer a mon o' 
 mah soize. Thin ah wint baack to And Soolphoor Well, 
 as they caw it, t' greeat glory o' Harrogait ; the timple o' 
 Heigh-gee-ar, whativvir that mabbe, wi' a roond top, an' 
 eaght dolfins kippin' oop a croon. T' well-hoose has 
 mony soides loike, an' staands i' t' middle o' t' streeat, 
 an' behoind thur's a free taap, fer foaks as donna loike t' 
 gae insoide poomp-raahm. An' o' a' t' taastes an' smeels, 
 ah nivvir taasted an' smeeled warse thon t' watter o' that 
 well. Foaks saay, mix rotten eggs an' goonpaahder, an' 
 yoh'll coom neear it. 
 
 Weel, ah paaid threepens, an' gat a glaass ; ah mad' 
 beleave t' drink it, an' poot it i' mah bottle. They've 
 writ oop ower deer, " Fer a shillin 1 a weeak, yoh maay drink 
 as mitch as ivvir yoh loike o' this here watter." Ah think 
 they maay weel saay that, they'll gain i' t' lang roon ; fer 
 aud Nick hissel wudiia wish t' git mair nor his shaare o' 
 t' dirty, nasty, smeelin' stoof. Bud it does sum foaks 
 guid, nae doobt, an' they mun poot oop wi' t' naastiness- 
 o' t' watter. Thin ah wint t' Criscent Hottell, cloas by, 
 an' gat strang Sail Hine watter, an' agin t' spaw booard 
 ootsoide they poot oop, " Wines an' speerits o' beast 
 quality ;" so foaks con mix t' watter. From thur ah wint 
 t' Cheltenham Consort Raalim ari Spaw, neear mah hottel, wi' 
 sax pillars i't' froont, an' pratty gaardins behoind Docter 
 Moosespraafs Kally-be-ate, they caw it, t' strangest iron 
 watter i' t' warld ; whin it freezes it mun hoold a vaast a' 
 top o' it ! Ah a'moast sneeaked in here, fer feear o' foaks 
 at Jordge. Leedy at coonter leuked at ma an' mah 
 bottle varry haard, an' neearly coort ma smooglin' sum 
 o' t' Kally-be-ate. 
 
 Ah suppoase it's sam' as i' cooak shop i' Leeads : thur, 
 it's " eeat a' an' poacket noane;" heear, it's "drink a' 
 an' bottle noane !" Ah shudna loike t' meeat that 
 leedy's ee agin ! ah'm seer she thinks ah stoale soom o' 
 her Kally-be-ate. Off ah goas noo, bottle plaggy heeavy, 
 t' Moontpellyer Spaw, a des'prate strang un, they saay,
 
 46 
 
 neearly equal t' and Soolphoor, an' beeatin' a' tithers i' 
 Sall-hine Kally-be-ate. Thur's foine gaardins roond this 
 well-hoose, too. Sum foaks, whin they drink at t' well, 
 saay its kissiri gin ; ah saay its kissirf saalt waiter, mair 
 loike ! Thur wur mony peuple aboot heere i' thtir beast 
 duds, an' ah had t' waait mah chaance afoore ah cud 
 add boath koinds t' mah mixture ; bud ah did it at laast. 
 Then ah wint on draggin' mah bottle reight oop 
 Parl'ment streeat, a' t' foaks a staarin', an' ma a 
 sweeatin', paast Prospect an' ither hottels, an' roond 
 coorner on t' greeat Straay. Bud ah mun here gie 
 
 AN ANN-ALL-Is-His o' HARKOGAIT WATTEKS. 
 
 Graains to the Gaallon. 
 
 Cow-Eide o' Shall-see-um - 8001 
 
 Mag-Knee-see-um - - 55000 
 
 Pot-Hash-e-um - - - 111000 
 
 So-dee-um- - - - - 886000000 
 
 Kar-bo-Natty o' Lime ----- 6960065075J 
 
 Mag-Knee-see-her - 41050 
 
 ,, Mag-her-Knee-see - Traace. 
 
 Pot-Hash-see-um - 12207000000030 
 
 Soder ----- 15 
 
 Plu-o-Eiddy o' Shall-see-um - - - 2500000010; 
 
 So-did-He o' So-dee-um- - - - - Traace. 
 
 Sail-Fatty o 1 Mag-Knee-see-her - - 799084760000421 
 Silly- Sick Assid ------- 200 
 
 Broom-Hide o' So-dee-um - - - - Ah foorget hoo 
 
 mitch thur wur o' this soart 6' stooff figgurs roobed oot. 
 Tootal Yoh mun aadd oop yoorsel. 
 
 Kubic Inchees o' Gazes f f Waiters f a Gaallon. 
 Kar-bon-Nick Assid --------- 189'60 
 
 Kar-Bonnetted Assid- -------- 2501 
 
 Sall-for-Hetted-He-drew-Gin ------ 5 
 
 He-Ox-Gin. Noa, ah's wrang 
 
 Ox-He-Gin _______ 724 
 
 Nee-tro-Gin --- -- 10840 
 
 Tootal as afoore.
 
 47 
 
 Ah canna tell whur ah gat thease figgurs. Ah cudna 
 sea sum o' 'em varry weel ; a big boy reead sum off fer 
 ma, an' spelled ma t' neames. Ah wur hurried loike, 
 an' mah pencil hadna a point, an' ah'v gat 'em possed 
 oop mabbe a bit. Ah wudna taake t' saay thur ezzackaly 
 correckt, bud they're neearly reight. Onnyhoo foaks 
 wi' oonderstaand mah Ann-all-is-his as weel as onny 
 ithirs ! Noa wun mun sneeaze at Harrogait watters : 
 thur's iron enuf t' mak' plooshaares fer a' t' fermers i' 
 Yarkshur ; soolphoor enuf t' mak' brimstaane an' trikkle 
 fer a' oor skeul bairns ; an' saalt enuf t' pikkle a' oor 
 beeaf an' poork ! Weel, ah draagged acrass straay t' 
 Too-hits well, a roond lahtle pleace i' middle o' t' graass. 
 Sum foaks telled ma this wur t' foinest watter o' a' ; it 
 wur foond oot by Caaptaain Slingsby twea hoondred 
 yeears agane, an' betterin' soart o' peuple cam' an' 
 caamped o' t' common, thur bein' noa hooses onnywhur. 
 
 Weel, ah gat t' watter bright spaarklin' stooff fra a 
 noice pratty civill yoong lass. She gav' ma a glaass, 
 an' poot sum i' mah bottle, an' only axed ma a penney ! 
 That's cheap, an' it's Kally-be-ate, too ! Ah crassed 
 raailwaay brig, an' waalked ower straay t' anither lahtle 
 roond staane hoose a desarted soart o' a pleeace caw'd 
 John's well. Ah added t' mah store, an' then ah wur 
 fair staalled wi' mah bottle an' t' yeat on t' woide oapen 
 common, oonder a blaazin' soon ; an' thin ah saaid t' 
 leedy a' John's spaw, " Thur isna ony mair wells, ah 
 whoape, this waay, mum ?" " Thur's wun a' Staarbeck" 
 saays she. " Hoo for mud it be ?" saays ah. " Aboot a 
 mahle straaight alang Knaarsbro' rooad," saaid leedy. 
 
 Ah'd poised mah heels enuf fra spaw tiv spaw ; bud ah 
 saays t' mesel, " Yoh mun caarry it oot t' git a' t' vartue o' 
 t' watters. Gintlemon saaid yoh mun git sum o' eeach, 
 soa yoh mun gang on." Soa, arter a bit o' rest o' a 
 whoite braaid-baacked seeat, (thur's noice coomfortable 
 wuns a' ower Straay), ah wint on t' Staarbeck, a lahtle 
 haamlet soart o' pleeace, wi' a stashun, a spaw, an' 
 baaths. Ah gat mah watter free, wi'oot axin' onny wun, 
 an' thin ah saays t' a mon who keeaps a sma' shop, an' 
 sells ginger beear, toffee, an' bacca, sweeat oil, noots, an'
 
 48 
 
 maatches, saays ah, " Ah sooppose thur isna onny spaws 
 ootsoide Harrogait, bud t' wun yonder ?" Mon saaid r 
 " Noa, not this waay, bud thur's wun tither soide, at 
 Haarlow Car." " Whur mun that be?" saays ah. "Its 
 only aboot three mahles fra here ; its amang woods 
 thuraboots, an' staands heigh oop, an' is a varry pratty 
 pleeace." " Thaankee," saays ah ; " ah donna think ah'll 
 sea it t' deay." An' ah wint baack t' Straay, mah bottle 
 quite fool ; bud ah wasna fool. It wur noo three o'clock ; 
 ah'd been oot sin' afore eaght i' t' moorn, an' hadna a bit 
 or a soop i' mah mooth, bud watter, a' thim hoors. Soa 
 ah mad' mah waay t' Jordge Hottel, an' mad' oop mah 
 moind t' ha' a guid dinner, arter takkin' mah watter. Ah 
 wur doon oop, bud ah wur 'prood o' mah sooccess, an f at 
 ha'in' a perfeect cuer fer a' mah akes an' paains. Ah 
 wint oop intul mah bed-raahm, took a big toombler oof 
 weshin' staand, an', arter shaakin' mah bottle weel oop, 
 ah poored oot a glaass fool, an' draank it ah wur gaeing 
 t' saay cleean off draank it a' off. Oh guidness! oh 
 graachus ! ! oh marcy ! ! ! oh hivins ! ! ! ! Ah'll niwir forgit 
 that glaass-fool tull mah deem' deay ! Ah joomped, ah 
 roaared, ah staamped, ah'm a'maist afeard ah swoare ; ah 
 roon aboot hawf maad, mah noase, mah mooth, mah ees, 
 mah stoomach a 1 seeamed oop soide doon loike, an' fool 
 o' eevil steenches an' moock ! 
 
 " Waaiter ! waaiter !" ah caw'd ; " Braandy an' watter; 
 ah'm pisoned !" An' laandloord, an' laandleedy, an' 
 waaiters, an' booats, an' chaambermaaids, an' lots o' 
 coompaany, cam' roonin' at mah crees, an' they sint 
 acrass fer a docter, an' he brout a stoomack poomp, as 
 they caw it ! Arter a whoile ah gat roond, bud ah 
 didna git t' taaste oot o' mah mooth fer a weeak ; an' o' 
 t' beeastly taastes that iwir mortaal mon taasted sin' he 
 cam' o' this yearth o' oorn, t' taaste o' that beeastly 
 stoof beeat a' ! An' t' warst wur, whin ah foond it dun 
 mah noa guid, an' tooled o' t' gintlemon who gav' mah 
 receet, they a' bust oot laffin'. "That's wun o' yoong 
 Arthington's tricks !" saays laandloord; "he's doon here 
 fra Lunnun w' his brother, Sur Thomaas, an' he's oop t' 
 a' soarts o' foon." " Ah'll stop his foon, iv ah nieeat
 
 49 
 
 him," saays ah ; "it's a disgraacefool trick t' plee onny 
 mon, an' he's noa gintlemon : ' manners mak's t' mon,' " 
 saays ah ; " an' a foine dreassed fellar who plees praanks 
 o' this soart, ah think looer an' less respecktabal nor a 
 chimler sweeap !" Ah wur raal riled an' lungus, ah 
 wur ! an' con tell yoh, iv ah'd a met yoong Arthington, 
 ah donna knaw hud ah shud ha' shook him weel. 
 Bud ah's gat ower an' forgean it noo, an' con laf as 
 lood as onny wun at mah Harrogait mixture ! T' warst 
 paart o' it, at t' toime, wur that mah deay's waark gat 
 abrooad amang foaks, an' whinivvir ah wint oot, a' soarts 
 an' seizes o' deacent peuple had t' toorn awaay, t' kip 
 thur coonternaance ; ithers mad' foon t' mah faace, an' 
 t' laasses, ivin a' Hottel, craammed henkerchers i' thur 
 pratty mooths ivviry toime ah paassed 'em, to kip fra 
 laffin reight oot ! 
 
 Weel, " expeerience mak's feools wise," an' ah wint t' 
 a foirst raate docter, an' honest loike he saays, "Mah 
 mon, yoh'll doa as weel i' Bonnybeck as here ; gae whoam 
 an' sav' thy braass." That docter wur a foine fellar, an' 
 iwirywun loovedhim, he wur soa troothfool, an' soa cliver, 
 an' soa guid, reeady t' heelp onny mon, at onny hoor, day 
 or neight. He's deead noo, bud ah whoape thur's ither 
 docters wull folly i' his footsteps. Mony, ah'v na doobt, 
 doa, an' ah think a faaithfool, oonselfish, lamed docter 
 wun o' t' greeatest blessin's maankoind con ha' i' thur 
 eeartbly pilgreemaage. He's paaid mair i' benedicshuns 
 than i' gowd, bud his best rewaard wi' be in inither waarld. 
 Deeame an' Meary cam' t' ma, as promised, an' we wint 
 t' sum pleeaces roond aboot, an' thin at weeak's ind baack 
 agin t' Bonnybeck.
 
 AUD KNAARESBRO' T' DEOOPIN' WELL 
 CAASTLE AN' UGIN ARAM'S CAT. 
 
 Three maliles aboot fra Harrogait Straay, alang a 
 varry pleeasant rooad, throf t' lahtle pleeace caw'd 
 Staarbeck, (ah'v spoken o' afore), yob. coom to t' aud toon 
 o' Knaaresbro'. Iv yoh air not tired, an' t' deay be foine, 
 ah advabse yob., whin yoh com' t' brig, t' toorn oop left 
 bond t' Bilton Baanks a wee bit. Yoh con git a graand 
 view o' a' t' toon fra the paaths aboon t' rivvir Nidd ; 
 an' ah'll be bund, yoh'll not ha' seean a prattier pleeace 
 iv yoh'v beean a' ower t' gloabe, fra eeast t' weast, an' 
 gat t' Waaiid's End,* at Knaaresbro' Brig. Thur's twea 
 brigs ower streeam, one low doon, tither heigh oop, fer 
 raailway, wi' foine boald woide aarches. T' treeas an' 
 booshes a' rooud t' watter's eadge, t' aud rooined caastle, 
 at top o' t' craags, t' choorches an' skeuals, an' cots wi' 
 red tiles, an' slaate, an' thaatch, perched here an' thur, 
 oop an' doon, altigethir mak' a sceane ah wur that 
 pleeased wi', that ah toorned t' Deeame (who wur leukin' 
 a' t' whoile at a leedy's new gownd an' bit o' a bonnett), 
 an' saays ah, " Iv ah ivvir leeavo Bonnybeck, an' ah 
 whoape that deay maay nivvir coom, ah'll moave t' this 
 bonny pleeace, this Knaaresbro', by mah trooly wull ah." 
 Deeame saays, " It is a varry pratty toon seerly ;" an' 
 Meary saaid, " Ah'v seean a lot o' picturs o' foine 
 pleeaces abrooad, i' Mees Denholm's Halboom, whin ah 
 wur helpin' t' mak' weddin' cleeas a' viceraage. Sum o' t' 
 forreen toons ha' jist a leuk loike this aud pleace." " Yees," 
 saays ah, " iv Knaaresbro' wur i' Fraance, or Jarminny, or 
 Hittally, they'd think mair ov it ; oor English foaks wud 
 * A Pooblic Hoose soa naamed.
 
 51 
 
 be deein' t' sea it, an' pooets, an' paainters, an' greeat men 
 o" buks wud be gaangin' to draaw, an' paaint, an' wrete 
 aboot it ; bud noo canny and Knaaresbro' mun be lift 
 oot i' t' cowld, t' pooir relashun loike o' Harrogait ; an' i' 
 a poorse-prood lond loike this, whin yoor pooir an' and, an' 
 ha' seean better deays, yoh mun leuk oot fer t' sneear, an' 
 t' jeear, an' t' paassin' by o' t' faashunaable croowd. 
 Sooccess, an' weealth, an' a foine show air ivvirythin' i' 
 thease deays ; bud gie ma t' aud English laand, t' aud 
 English waays, t' aud English foaks o' mah boyhood. Ah 
 luv 'em better nor a' t' graandeur, an' splender, an' mak'- 
 beleave o' this munny-makkin' an' munny-speendin' aage, 
 ah do a ! 
 
 Thur's a notidge reight hond soide o' rooad by a big 
 white yat, an' it saays, '' This waay t' Droopin' Well." 
 We wint in an' alang baanks o' Nidd oonder foine treeas, 
 wi' watter mills doon belaw an' Caastle heigh aboon ; an' 
 t' shaade, an' t'burds singin' a' aroond, mad' t' waalks varry 
 pleeasant loike. At laast we coom t' a rooad an' inither brig 
 an' a sma' pooblic-hoose wi' a paaintin' o' Mithur Shipton 
 fer a seen poast. We wint intul t' hoose : they show'd 
 oos sum pettrifackshuns, as they cawd 'em, o' eggs, an' 
 burds' uists, an' sike loike ; an' thin a yoong laass tuk 
 oos tit well, throf a lahtle wooden deer cloase by riwir. 
 T' watter droops fra a big rock haangin' heigh oop ower 
 yed, an' kips on drop, drop, droppin' allus, winteer an' 
 soommer. It toorns a' things t' staane : thur's a hoontin' 
 caap o' Sir Chaarles Slingsby's, blaackburds' nists, an' 
 ither things, as haard as t' roack itsel. Ah saays t' 
 Deeame, "Ah thinks sum foaks' haarts mun ha' been 
 plaaced here : they're haard an' staaney enuf tiv t' 
 soofferin's o' thur feller creeatures !" Cloas by well is 
 Mithir Shipton's Cav' ; she used t' fooretell what 'ud 
 coom t' paass. She saaid oust, " Caarridges wud wun 
 deay goa wi'oot hoarses;" that's coom troo i' t' 
 raaihvaays ! She alsoa saaid, " T' deay is coomin' whin 
 tin wiinniin wull be feightin' fer wun moil." Ah whoape 
 ah shanua be aloive i' that toime ; ah'v epuf t' doa t' 
 manidge aud Deeame an' Meary ! Ah paaid saxpince 
 eeach, an' then axed t' waay t' Ugin Aram's Cav'. It
 
 52 
 
 wur by t' riwir baank agin, soa we crassed brig an' wint 
 oop paathwaay by waiter soide oonder what they caw 
 Foart Moont Ague, thof why they caw'd it this ah 
 donna knaw, 'cept a' t' sogers git agueish fra t' da amp ! 
 An' what guid it con doa fortyfying that pleeace, ah 
 canna seea ; bud iv Frinch or Rooshins coom oop riwir 
 t' tak' Droopin' Well, Foart Moont Ague mud stoap 'em 
 mabbe ! We noo saw a greeat craag staandin' oot, hawf 
 coovered wi' ivy. Faacin' it is a sma' yat, an' a booard 
 wi' this writ on it. Meary red it 
 
 SAAINT EGBERT'S CHAAPLE. 
 
 Far fra t' booisy sceanes o' loife, 
 Far fra t' warld, its caares an' stroife, 
 I' Solitood mair pleeased t' dwell, 
 T' Heamit caws yoh t' his cell. 
 Beneeath yon ivy's spreeadin' shaade, 
 Fer lonely contemplaashun maade, 
 An anshient chaaple staands complete, 
 Ance t' Hearmit's caalm retreeat 
 Fra warldly poomp an' soordid caare, 
 To hoomble penitence an' praayer. 
 T' soight is pleeasin' a' agreea, 
 Do gintle straanger toorn an' seea. 
 
 Noo ah's noa a gintle straanger, an' thur's lahtle or 
 naethin' t' seea ! Thur's a sma' cav' i' t' craag, wi' a 
 bench an' a staane pleeace fer t' saaint t' sleeap o', an' o' 
 wun soide ower deer thur's a figgur o' a Neight Timplar 
 coot oot o' roack ; them's saaints who Avaatched t' 
 timple o' Jaroosalem a' neights, t' kip Rooamans oot, ah 
 suppoase. A lahtle lass towld oos this cav' wur t' saaints' 
 hoose ; t' ithir heigher oop wur his ressidance. Ah donna 
 knaw t' diff'rence, ah's seer. Lass saaid that " Chaaple 
 wur eaght hoondred yeears aud." "Hoo dost thoo 
 knaw that ?" saaid Deeame, " an thoo a wee bairn." 
 " I wiry wun saays soa, an' it mun be troo," saaid lahtle 
 wun. Ah axed whur t' ithir cav' wur. " It's a lang 
 waay," saays she, " fra wun cav' t' ithir, an' thur's a 
 paassage oondergroond, mahles lang, fra wun t' ithir, 
 an' Saaint Robert cam' that waay soomtoimes." " Weel, 
 that's soorpreesin'," saays ah, "bud ah'll goa aboon 
 groond." Preechus cowld it mun ha' beean i' that caave
 
 58 
 
 o' a chaaple o' winter Heights ! T' saaint mun ha' had a 
 greeat deeal o' faaith , ah think, t' kip him waarm ! We 
 donna seea sike saaints i' oor deays ! Preeasts, an' 
 Paarsons, an' Ministers o' a' soarts wud think twice 
 afoore sleeapin' i' a cav' ! They loike noice feeather 
 beds, an' dooble blaankits, bettir nor cawld staanes t' 
 lig on : an' a drap o' yale, an' woine, an' speerits mabbe, 
 an' guid rooast beeaf an' mootton afoor nettle beer, an' 
 dry brid, an' wattercreases ! Ah doant bleeam 'em ! Ah 
 cudna lig i' a. cav' mesel; ah'd git t' rhoomatiz 
 warse nor iwir, ah knaw, t' varry foirst neight ! 
 
 Weel, we wint alang t' riwir soide, an' t' sceane war as 
 bootiful as iwir jist as ah saaid aboot it afoor. Foine 
 shaady woods, an' craags, an' graassy broos, an' ferms, 
 an' cots, an' gaardins oop an' doon, an' a' aroond an' 
 t' river flaashin' by yoor soide, an' watter wheeals gaein' 
 roond, an' makkin' raainboos i' t' soonbeeams it wur a 
 faairy pictur', as Meary saaid, an' wun ah wull nae sooin 
 forgit. Arter soom toime, we cam' opposit' t' a greeat 
 peeace o' roack, staandin' heigh oop, wi' booshes an' 
 treeas a' top. Its cawd "Grim Baald Craag," or "Baald 
 Grim Craag," fra a big giunt, o' aud deays, who'd noa 
 wool on his yed. T' view thur is foine, wi' t' woods, an' 
 t' streeam, an' t' roacks. A lahtle foorther on we cam' tiv 
 a cot, wi' a notidge oot, that t' key o' Ugin Aram's Cav' 
 wur t' be had thur, an' bits o' paaper i' t' winder wi' 
 varses aboot t' pooir mon an' cav'. Ah oop t' cot deer, 
 an' ah saays, " Con we sea this famus cav' ?" An' a 
 cevil aud mon coomed oot, an' he saays, " Yea, sir, yoh 
 con ; ah'll show'ee." Ah, an' Deeame, an' Meary follered 
 him a wee bit alang lone to a yat, aboon which thur wur 
 a boord wi' "Ugin Aram's aleeus St. Eobert's cav'" on 
 it. Mon oapened a lahtle wicket loike, an' we wint doon a 
 paath intul a koind o' sma' thicket, wi' staane fleer, o' a 
 hawf mooin shaap', jist aboon riwir. Thur's a koind o' 
 alter wun soide, an' o' ither a sma' sooiik graave, cut i' 
 t' staane, wi' rests fer a coffin. A deer, cowerd wi' 
 neeams o' foaks loike English boobies doa iwirywhur 
 leeads to t' cav'. It is a sma' pleeace coot oot o' roack. 
 " Saaint Bobert,'.' mon saaid, " used t' liv' here, an' saay
 
 54 
 
 his praayers. Nidd offen owerflows, an' he mun ha' lied 
 a daamp toime i' winter. Ah'v doog oop quaantities o' 
 chaarcoal ; soa he boornt lots o' wood. King loiked him 
 foirst o' a', an' gaav' him, t' kip him, as mitch loud as 
 twea boocks cud ploo i' a deay ; bud saaint lost faver 
 arterwaards, an' wur drivven oot." " Hoo aboot t' 
 moorder," saaid ah. Mon saaid (Eapen is his naame, 
 an' he's beean 36 years showin' cav' t' Loord Lytton, 
 an' ither greeat men, an' a' soarts o' foaks. " Ah'm an 
 odd charaktur, sir," saays he, "bud ah'm not ashaamed t' 
 sea mah naame i' print," soa ah'v poot it doon.) Mon 
 saays, "Cloas by that deer to reight, wur t' pleeace whur 
 t' moordered Daniel Clarke wur hurried. T' cav' wur 
 filled oop thin wi' soil, an' they doog it oot, an' fooud t' 
 boanes o' Clarke, wi' his skool droove in by a pickax'." 
 " Yoh muu know," saays he, " Ugin Aram wur a skeual- 
 measter a' Knaaresbro'. He wur boorn a' Eaamsgill, 
 neear Pateley Bridge, an' wur a raal cliver fellar ; bud 
 t' Deevil gits hoold o' raal cliver fellars foirst o' a' soom- 
 toimes, an' soa he did wi' Ugin Aram. 
 
 "He wurpooir, an' remarried t' a fond soart o' body, who 
 mad' his whoame not t' whoame t' larn'd mon ueeads. 
 He luved buks, an' quiate, an' toime fer stoody, an' he saw 
 he mun ha' munny t' git thease ; an' he mad' oop his 
 moind he'd git munny soomhoo. He saw feools an' roges 
 wi' plenty ; he saw droonkern beeasts throwin' awaay 
 thur braass, reight an' left ; braass he waanted fer 
 laarnin' an' dooin' guid i' t' waarld, an' Satan poot it i' 
 his yed t' git t' munny o' Daniel Clarke, t' shoornaaker, 
 soomhoo ! 
 
 " It wur i' t' yeear 1745, i' t' moonth o' Febrewarry. 
 Clarke wur a thief, an' a teeastrill na doobt. He 
 maarried a woife, Jenewarry saame yeear, an' gat twea 
 hoondred punds wi' her. Nae content wi' this, he mad' 
 a plaan wi' Ugin Aram, Eichard Hoosemon, an' Henry 
 Terry t' git a' he cud fra t' traadesmen o' Knaaresbro', 
 an' thin gaang awaay fra toon, arter shaarin' t' ploonder. 
 Soa he wint t' waark ; they a' knawed he'd jist been wed, 
 an' had gotten soom braass. Fra wun he gat linnin, an' 
 woollen goods, fra anither silk, fra ithers boght on
 
 55 
 
 strap or borrowed silver taaukards, an' milk pots, an' 
 spoons, rings, waatclies, snooff boxes ; twea Tarry big 
 buks caw'd ' Cliaambers' Dickshonarry,' an' sax small-uns 
 i' ' Popes' Homer," nae doobt Ugin Aram had his ee on 
 thease- an' nae ind o' ither things, becas Clarke saaid he 
 wur jist maarried, an' fettlin' oop a hoose. 
 
 " Weel, t' neiglit o' t' seventh o' Febrewarry wur fixed 
 on by t' foor theavish chaaps fer Clarke t' leeave t' toon. 
 He wint t' Ugin Aram's hoose wi' Eichard Hoosemon, 
 an' they three wint oot a' neight ; bud arter soom hoors 
 oanly twea cam baack ! Ivvirywun thout Clarke had 
 roon awaay, an' thin t' Scots ribels cam' tliroo' 
 Englaand, an' mony things haappened t' poot him oot o' 
 moind. Ugin Aram left Kuaaresbro', leeaviii' his woife 
 behoind. He spint his deays i' stoodying laanguadges ; 
 he knoo ivyiry wun that they spaake i' Urope, Asshur, 
 Africkar, Amerrykey, an' Hoarsestraayliur, an' he alsoa 
 teeached skeuls, an' wur iverywhur a quiate guid mon i' his 
 waay graave an' soilent loike, as he weel mud be wi' 
 sike a seacret i' his breeast ! Toime wint on ; foive 
 yeears, tin yeears, fifteen yeears, an' noa ward o' Daniel 
 Clarke ! Wun deay a mon wur diggin a' Thissel Hill, 
 neear Knaaresbro', an' he foond soom boanes. Saays he, 
 " Thease mun be t' boanes o' Daniel Clarke," an' he wint 
 tit magistraates. Magistraates had Eichard Hoosemon 
 oop, an' saays he, ' Thease air nae mair t' boanes o' 
 Daniel Clarke than moine !' ' Oh !' saays magistraates, 
 ' yoh mun knaw soomthin' mair aboot t' mon, or yoh 
 wudna be soa possiteev asta his boanes,' an' they sint 
 Hoosemon t' gaaol- He trimmeled an' gat freetened loike, 
 an' then he toorned King's evidence, (as t' greeatest 
 teeastrills offen doa,) an' toold his taale." 
 
 Mon tuk breeath here, an' a drink fra a big staane 
 bottle loike mah Harrogait yan ! thin he wint on : 
 
 " Hooseman saaid that he, an' Ugin Aram, an' Daniel 
 Clarke had gaen t' cav' by Grimbald's brig t' heed plaate 
 an' ither things Clarke had gotten, whin Ugin Aram an' 
 Clarke querelled ; an' Ugin Aram killed him, an buried 
 him i' t' cav' wi' his yed t' reight o' entraance. Magis- 
 traates ordered cav' t' be doog oop, an' thur, seer enuf,
 
 56 
 
 they foond t' boanes o' Daniel Clarke, wi' t' skool brokkin 
 in. Mrs. Aram noo toold her taale ; an' it wur mitch 
 agin her hoosband, an' ither things leuked black. Soa 
 magistraates sint pollis t' foind Ugin Aram. He wur 
 teeachin' a skeual a' Lynn, i' Norfolk, an' at foirst said 
 ' He'd never beean a' Knaaresbro';' bud they tuk him t' 
 Yark Caastle. He toold mony taales, an' saaid he knew 
 Daniel Clarke meeant t' rogue t' peuple, bud he had na 
 haand i' slaayin' him, an' nivvir knew he wur ded tull 
 his boanes wur foond. He owned he'd beean t' cav' wi' 
 him an' Hoosemon, an' saw t' plaate brout baack. Weel, 
 at Asseyesis o' 1759, Ugin Aram was poot on his treeal a' 
 Yark, an' Eichard Hoosemon wur witness agin him. 
 Aram maade a graand an' cliver speeach ; too cliver, ah 
 mun think, whin ah reead it. He goos roond an' roond a' 
 t' waarld, an' taalks o' Booamaiis, an' Sexons, an' 
 moonks ; o' a' toimes an' a' pleeaces, an' mony men, 
 an' mony things, bud he leeaves oot a'maist a' ward o' 
 Knaaresbro' an' Eichard Hooseman. He meeant t' show 
 off, na doobt ; bud he wur speeakin' t' plaain, semple 
 Yarkshur joorymen, an' iv he had a coom to t' point, 
 an' saaid, " Hooseman is a rogue an' a thief by his own 
 showin', con yoh beleave sike a teeastrill ?' he'd a faared 
 better, ah think. Hooseman wur a soolky, dooncaast 
 leukin', thickset, heeavy, brooard shooldered mon, an' few 
 loiked him. Iv Aram had pitched intul him, an' hit him 
 haard an' he wur as faair a maark as ivvir stood he 
 mud ha' gotten off. Bud noa, he mad' a foine speeach, 
 not wun i' ten i' t' coort cud oonderstaand, an' he wur 
 foond guilty, an' haanged i' chaains, aboon low brig, 
 Ploompton Eooad, Knaaresbro'. Onny wun con show 
 yoh t' pleeace. 
 
 " Ugin Aram wur fifty-foive yeears aud at t' toime o' 
 his treeal. He wur aboot foive feeat eaght hinches heigh, 
 wi' blue een, leight hair, an' hackweleen noase ; streeight 
 an' weel mad', cleean an' neeat, a greeat scholard, 
 speeakin' lahtle an' thinkin' mitch. T' peuple o' 
 Knaaresbro' thout Hoosemon warst, an' mobbed him, an' 
 he wur foorced t' roon ; an' t' this deay monny think
 
 57 
 
 Ugin Aram wur noa t' raal moorderer, thof he gat his 
 shaare o' t' ploonder." Mon stoapped speeakin' he wur 
 weel contint wi' a shillin' fra oos three ; an' as ah leaft ah 
 saaid, " Ugin Aram's taale shoows a mon mun tree t' 
 be guid as weel as.woise, or he canna whoape fer t' 
 blessin' o' God !" 
 
 We leaft cav' an' wint straaight intul Weatherby rooad, 
 an' thin ower brig it's pratty leukin' doon intul t' 
 riwir Nidd fra that saame brig ! an' toorned by baank 
 o' streeam agin tither soide. We cud sea t' pleeace o' 
 cav' acraas t' watter, bud t' booshes hid t' cav' itsel. 
 Taalkin' o' Ugin Aram an' t' dreeadfool moorder, we 
 wint alang paast an' aud mill, an toorned oop a pasthur 
 baack o' Grimbaald's Craag. 
 
 Thur wur a rid flaag a-fleein' top o 1 roacks, an' whin we 
 gat oop t' broo, baang wint a shot ! Deeame scrimmed 
 oot ! Meary toorned paale ! they wur soa fool o' t' 
 moorder ! Saays Deeame, " They're moorderin' sum wun 
 else, let's roon !" an' awaay they wint baack doon t* 
 steeap broo Meary first, Deeame arter. Meary stoom- 
 bled an' fell ; Deeame wint ower her. Meary thout 
 moorderer wur on her, an' creed oot, " Marsy ! marsy ! 
 oh marsy !" an' Deeame saays, " Tak' a' we ha', an' let 
 oos goa ! we're oanly pooir foaks, praay doan't moorder 
 oos !" Ah caame roonnin' fool speead t' stop 'em, an' 
 whin they fell ah wint ower 'em ; an' treein' t' kip mah fit, 
 ah strooggled doon t' broo loike a droonkin mon, tull ah 
 fell forwaards agin a treea hawf waay doon. That 
 stoapped ma, bud it raaised a big boomp o' mah croown, 
 broak mah braaid haat brim, an' maade mah noase bleeid. 
 Ah wint oop agin hawf stoonned loike, wi' mah hand- 
 kercher t' mah faace, an' caw'd oot t' Meary an' Deeame, 
 who had gat oop noo, " Its oanly t' riafles a shootin' ; 
 coom baack, coom baack." Ah blooed 'em oop foinely fer 
 beein' sike cowhaards. " Yea," saays Deeame, " yoh tak' 
 mah t' a' soarts o' moorderin' hoales, an' thin ah mustna 
 be flaayed ! That Ugin Aram's Cav's enuf t' scaare aud 
 un hissel." We waalked oop broo agin, whin baang 
 wint inither shot ; ah'd hoold o' the wimmin foak toight, 
 or by ma trooly they'd beean off agin ! We noo yeard a
 
 58 
 
 bugle soond. " Mak' haaste, mak' haaste !" saays a big 
 baairn gaangin' alang ; " they're a feerin' a' yon rid flaag, 
 an' a' t' baalls that gae ower coom this rooad." Hoo we 
 raan t' git oot o' t' waay ! tull a cevil chaap i' t' 
 riaflemon's graay dreass oops an' saays, " Noa feear, noa 
 hoory, we've soonded 'ceease feerin' !' we niwir feer whin 
 onny wun is atweean thim twea yats." 
 
 Weel, we gat on, an' throf a big wood, an' by pratty 
 waalks an' paaths t' low brig agin, an' thin oop a steeap 
 streeat broo, wi' noombers o' sma' hooses eeacli soide, an' 
 on t' AUD CAASTLE. This is oanly a rooin noo, heigh oop 
 on rivvir baank, wi' mahles o' faair coontry londs t' be 
 seean belaw : thur's bits o' t' aud waalls heare an' thur, 
 staandiu' by thursels, aroond a big graass plot. T' Don 
 Joan, as they caw it, or Keeap, is t' oanly pairt yoh con 
 git insoide ov. Yoh mun paay soommat, an' they'll 
 tell'ee what they toold oos. Ali'll poot it doon heare as a 
 gide fer ithirs. Yoh mun knaw, thin, Knaaresbro' 
 Caastle wur bilt by Surly der Bugg, Barren o' Tonsbug, 
 o' Normandee a freend o' William the Congkerror 
 Anny Dominy, 1100. It wur nokked doon by Croomwell, 
 (he loiked nokkin' aud staanes aboot, he did !) 20th Dec., 
 1644. Konstance o' Kasteel, deeame o' John o' Grant, an' 
 t' moorderers o' Thomas a Beckhitt, fled here ; an' 
 Richard t' Sekund wur i' preeson heare. 
 
 They show yoh staane coffins, cannun baalls, an' 
 armer o' t' Slingsby faamilee i ' t' toimes o' t' Griks an' 
 Eooamons ! Pooir Sir Chaarles, who loived a' Scriven, 
 neear Knaaresbro', wur o' t' saame raace ; he who roade 
 t' raace o' deeath tit baanks o' Ure. He wur a foine 
 fellar o' hoarsebaack wi' his doag paack a' roond him. 
 He wur not aboon thaankin' a pooir mon who oapened 
 a yat fer him ! Ah gat tired a' laast leukin' at aarches, 
 an' pillars, an' daark hoales, an' steaps leeadin' noawhur, 
 an', saays ah, " Deeame, we mun mak' haaste or we'll 
 looase traane." Soo we wint throf neeat oapen maarket 
 pleeace, an' lang cleean Heigh streeat, wi' mony weel- 
 leukin' shoaps, an soa t' staashun. We wur a' pleeased 
 wi' aud Kuaaresbro', an' mad' oop oor moinds t' coom an' 
 seea it agin soom deay !
 
 AH GOA T' DONCAASTER RAACES, AN' 
 
 GIT MOBBED AN' EOBBED, TEEEIN' T' 
 
 FOOT WHANG EEIGHT, 
 
 Ah loike a hoarse ; ah think he's a noable hanuimal ! 
 Ah consider he's gat mair sense than mony a mon, iv 
 he hasna onny sowl ! Ah knaws a bit aboot a hoarse, 
 fer ah's Yarkshur. All knaw his guid pooints an' bad 
 uns ; an' t' blooid an' pedigree o' mony a famus raacer 
 brid i' t' Noarth. All wunce lied a chesnoot meare fra 
 Clevelaand, ah'd noot a taen twea hoondred ginneas fer. 
 She wur a canny bonny thin' ; bud ah wur better off i' 
 thoase deays. Ah donna loike t' sea doomb critturs ill- 
 treeated ; or pooir miseraable haacks wi' thur boanes 
 hawf throf thur skin, draaggin' looads aboon t' lahtle 
 striiigth o' aud aage an' diseease. 
 
 A mon who floags a willin' hoarse, (an' yoh con maake 
 maist o' 'em willin' wi' faair treeatment), desarves t' be 
 floagged hissen. Iv ah'd t' makkin' o' Aacts o' Parl'ment, 
 ah'd maake that wun be seer, ah wud ! A guid sarvent, 
 be he mon or hoarse, who has gien his beast deays t' 
 haard waark, an' t' brin' grist t' oor mill, shud ha' tinder 
 hondlin' i' his aud aage. Ah think its a sin t' sea, as 
 yoh oft doa, pooir aud hoarses an' pooir aud men a 
 waarkin' deay waark, whin past waark. Gie 'em soom 
 loight job iv yoh loike, t' kip 'em heealthy, bud donna 
 saarve 'em loike t' Paarish saarves pooir Flushdyke. He's 
 beean a deacent, soaber mon a' his loife, an' brout oop 
 ten bairns, an' they've gaen a' ower waarld maistly, an' 
 monny o' 'em deead, na doobt. They wur a' sint t' waark, 
 as they doa ivvirywhur mair's t' pitty sooin as they
 
 60 
 
 cud waalk a'maist burd shooin' an' staane pickin', an' 
 hed nae koind o' eddicashun, or they mud ha' gat on, an' 
 heelped thur pooir feyther. Flushdyke hed a pund an' a 
 neaw paair o' breeaches gien him onst, wi' a graand 
 speeach fra a graand chaap o' a Loord, on his vartue an' 
 Boaber, usefool loife, an' cheears cam' a' roond fra 
 loiidloords, an' squeers, an' formers o' t' Soceeaty ; bud 
 he's saventy-sax noo, an' breeakin' fleent staanes a' deay 
 lang, weet or shoine, yat or cowld, oonsheltered, by t' 
 rooad soide his pooir graay haairs an' hoonest 
 soonboornt faace aaskin' pitty o' ivviry paasser by. Ah 
 saay, an' ah'd oophoold it afore Queean, an' Loords, an' 
 Parl'ment, that's a shaame an' a disgraace! 
 
 Sike men as Flushdyke ha' mad' Englaand what she 
 is ; an' i' aud aage air we t' treeat 'em warse than 
 squeer's doags, who've a waarm sheeltered kennel, an' 
 guid foud, an' waaitin' on, an' caare ? A' alang oor 
 pooblic rooads, i' t' warst o' weeather, yoh con seea pooir 
 aud fellars staane brekkin' ; an' yoong chaps ov laboorers 
 meetin 1 'em iwiry hawf hoor, loike mahle staanes on t' 
 waay tit Basteel. "Nea makkin's," (thoase aud gray 
 yeds seeam t' saay tiv paasserby,) " Nea makkin's hoo 
 eoaber, hoo indoostrious, hoo steeady, hoo froogaal yoh 
 maay be, to this yoh mun coom at toast!" What woonder 
 oor yoong coontry fellars grow caareless loike, wi'oot 
 whoape o' this loife, an' wi' this faate afoor 'em ! Evin 
 Pagaans respeact aud aage an' gray haairs. 
 
 Thur's Arms Hooses, as they caw 'em, here an' thur an' 
 neeatprattypleeaces they be, an' varryhaappyt' pooir loockly 
 aud foaks what's in 'em. Bud ah think thur munny enuf i' 
 t' lond t' mak' hoondreds o' Arms Hooses for raal aud 
 soaber hoanest peuple, who've paaid raates a' thur loives, 
 an' lit t' Union Basteel (as soom caw it) be fer laazy, 
 droonken, ne'er-do-weel blaackgards, ruffs, an' roages. 
 That's mah nooation. Ah think men loike aud Flushdyke 
 has a reight t' better treeatment, ah doa ! Bud ah's 
 forgittin' aboot t' Raaces. 
 
 Weel, ah'd been t' Waakfield maarket ; an' thur's not a 
 better wun i' t' noarth, ah knaws, fer fermers. Ah'd a 
 lahtle earn t' sell, an' ah'd gat a guid preece for it, an'
 
 61 
 
 wur thinkin' o' gangin' whoame, whin who shud ah meeat 
 bud fermer Langrick, who used t' he mah neehour. 
 " Halloo, aud fellar," saays he, " wur bee'st gain' tiv ?" 
 " Whoame," saays ah. " Naay," saays he, " its t' Leger 
 deay a' Doncaaster ; yoh mun coom wi' ma, aud freend." 
 " Thur's noa toime," saays ah. " Flinty," saays Langrick; 
 " yoh con spaare t' braass fer a retoorn teecket, ah think. 
 We needna spind mitch ; we con sea cheaf raace, an' coom 
 baack i' guid toime." "Doon," saays ah, slappin' mah 
 hond i' hissen, an' arter a glaass o' yal tegither, off we wint 
 t' stashun, an' gat tickets fer Doncaaster. 
 
 We wurnt lang a gaeiii'. A chaap i' traain treed 
 t' thimbel rig doadge, bud it wudua doa wi' Yark- 
 shur foak, they're too faar noarth fer that ! Thay 
 only laffed an' jeeared at t' raagged, haang-dog leukin' 
 fellar. We got oot o' traain wi' a lot o' chaaps ah didna 
 altegithir loike horsey, joackey soart o' fellars, soom o' 
 thim, wi' spindle shaanks, an' greeat neckherchers roond 
 an' roond thur throoats, an' weeazen'd-oop faaces. Ithers 
 wi' roogh cooats, an' roogher taalk, an' shaarp knawin' 
 leuks, an' bits o' buks i' t' haand. Ithers agin wur preeze 
 feightin' leukin' fellars. Soom wur donned loike gintle- 
 men ; bud they wurna gintle in onny waay ah cud sea ; 
 an' soom wur baadly poot on, a' waays, an' wur noa better 
 nor thur duds i' leuks an' manners. Ah didna loike 
 beein' i' sike coompany ; an' saays ah t' mah freend 
 Langrick, " Let's .waait a wee, tull crood gangs on." 
 
 Weel, arter a bit, we toorned intul streeat o' sma' 
 hooses, an' wint t' lift haand. Ah saaw a lahtle hole o' a 
 pleace, wi' " Guid Woman Draam Shop" on it, fool o' 
 foaks drinkin'. " Guid woman," saays ah, as iv ivviry 
 guid woman didna haate sike pleeaces ! T' ind o' sma' 
 streeat led intul bigger wun, wi' greeat cloack faace 
 heigh aboon t' rooad, stickin' oot o' garrit winder o' a 
 drooggister's. We axed waay t' Eaace Coorse. "Eeight 
 haand, streight oop Heigh Streeat," saays a mon, an' we 
 toorned an' wint on. It's a neeat, cleean, pratty toon is 
 Doncaaster, wi' monny guid shoaps an' hooses ; an' they 
 maistly lig tegither i' a foine lang streeat. We paassed 
 a big whoite hottel, " Eeen Deear " its caw'd ; an' its a
 
 62 
 
 foonny thing, bud they've poot iron raales ootsoide 
 iv\iry winder, t' hinder, ah sooppose, droonken fellars 
 fra faallin' oot a varry guid plaan, ah think. We wint 
 paast anither greeat whoite inn, Sail Utashun sum 
 noated leedy, ah daare saay, bud ah niwir yeard o' her, 
 o' Langrick eathur. On we wint paast foine hooses'wi' 
 boo winders, an' gaardens, an' treeas; an' a' t' waays, 
 an' rooads, an' gaardin's, an' hooses choock fool o' 
 peuple. This pairt o' Doncaaster, we wur toold, wur 
 caw'd Haall Crooss Hill ; an' thur's a big piller i' 
 t' middle o' paath wi' weeather cock a' top an' raales 
 roond. Ah seed a foine kirk speere o' left haand; 
 it wur Christ Choorch, a mon toold ma. Thin we 
 paassed a lang waall, wi' heigh treeas, an' notidges poot 
 oop, i' big letters, preein' foaks not t' goa t' sinfool raaces, 
 an' rooin thur preeshus sowls. They're poot oop wi' 
 a guid intenshun, nae doobt ; bud maist o' t' foaks 
 gaangin' alang laffed at 'em, an' soom mad' taargits 
 o' t' beells wi' staanes an' mood. This mad' neeboor 
 Langrick an' ah convaarse a bit aboot raaces an' raacin'. 
 " Ah've niwir beean a bettin' mon," saays ah, "an' ah 
 niwir meeans t 1 be. Sum wun saaid onst, as didna loike 
 troot fishin', that a mon wi' a rod wur a fish a' wun ind 
 an' a feeol a' tither. Noo ah thinks maistly, wi' a bettin' 
 buk wi' t' odds, as they caw 'em, its a roage a' wun iud 
 an' a feeol a' tither." " That's troo, Goorkrodger," saays 
 Langrick, " ah've knoown monny a foine fellar rooined on 
 t' Toorf monny a heeart broakin, an' nionny a woife au' 
 her baairns mad' pawpers, by keeapin' a buk ; an' ah'v iiae 
 doobt monny a pooir yoong chaap i' prison ooes his 
 disgraace an' poonishment t' hoarse raacin' an' bettin'.'' 
 " Yoh're reight, aud freend," saays ah, " thur's honest an' 
 jist men on t' Toorf, nae doobt, bud its saadly ower 
 crooded wi' scaamps, an' blaack legs, an' shaarpurs; an' 
 ah think (fra a' ah heear) raacin' is gettin' leass o' a 
 spooart an' mair o' a traade, an' a baad gaamblin' traade, 
 iwiry year. Mair's t' pitty, for its a noable soight t' sea 
 t' bonny, slim, graacefool critturs, fool o' blooid an' foire, 
 fleein' loike t' woind eeach agin t' ithir ; t' coloors 
 o' t' reeders flaashin' i' t' soonbeeams ; t' croods cheerin'
 
 63 
 
 an' rooshin', as iv loife an' deeatli depinded on it ; an' iv 
 t' beeast hoarse allus won, an' they didna owerwaark 
 t' willin' critturs, weeak arter weeak, a' ower t' lond, 
 t' mak' munny oot o' thur caaroasses, ah'd loike t' 
 sea a raace noo an' agin, weel enuf." " Yea," saays 
 Langrick, " they've poot t' faactory baairns, i' this pairt 
 o' t' waarld, on hawf toime, an' mitcli guid its doon t' 
 pooir paale-faaced things ; let t' loords an' gintlemen o' 
 t' Toorf poot thur coalts an' fillees on hawf toime too, an' 
 t' breead wi' be a' t' better an' stranger I" Taalkin' this 
 waay, lood enuf, ah knaw fer soom joackey chaaps 
 chaaffed oos mair nor wunst, an' saays, " Thur's twea aud 
 paarsons gaangin' t' preeach, wi' a toob fer a poolpit !" 
 taalkin' this waay, we wint alang rooad, paast a row 
 o' sma' neeat hooses, iwiry winder fool o' bonny Yarkshur 
 laasses, an' they beeat moast fer roasy cheeaks an' broight 
 ees ! Then cam' raws o' foine ealm treeas each soide fool 
 o' noisy rooiks, wi' seeats heare an' thur, an' fields crooded 
 wi' foaks, an' shoaws, an' booaths, an' hoarses, an' 
 carridges', an' thin we cam' to t' noable EAACE COOBSE, 
 smooath an' leavel as a taable t' foinest coorse mebbe i' 
 Englaand ! Thur's a greeat white Graand Staand an' a rid 
 Deef an' Doomb Asshiloom cloase by. Saays ah, oot 
 lood ah allus speeak oot lood, varry lood " Freend 
 Langrick," thur wur doosens o' chaps a' roond shaatin' 
 oot noombers an' rid i' t' faace wi' makkin' a noise, an' 
 raacin', an' teearin', an' flingin' thur airmes aboot ; wun 
 fellar i' plaaid teights an' white owercooat lied a paair o' 
 thick clog shoon on t' mak him bigger, an' he wur 
 scrimmin' oot loike mad, an' pootin' doon summat i' a 
 buk arter iwiry scrim seein' a' this exheightment, ah 
 saays, " Freend Langrick, noo they've been an' beilt a 
 Deef an' Doomb Asshiloom wun soide o' Graand Staand, 
 doan't yoh think they'd better beild a Loouatick Asshiloom 
 a' tithir ? Yon chaps wud sooin fill it !" Ah cudna help 
 saayin' it, bud it wurna woise t' speeak soa lood i' sike 
 coompany ! Ah wur coort oop i' a minnit. " Yoh'd 
 better goa tit Loonatick Asshiloom yersel, yoh aud 
 porpoos," saaid a slim, poog-nooased, cockney soart o' 
 chap ; " Does yoor mither knaw yoor oot, aud bloke ?"
 
 64 
 
 an' he stooad afoor ma grimmacin' loike a moonkey, an' a 
 crood roond laffin. Ah gat lungus pratty sooin, an'., 
 saays ah, " Iv yoh donna git oot o' mah waay, mah foine 
 fellar, ah'll let yoh feeal t' weaght o' a Yarkshur fist !" 
 " Goa on, yoh Welshur," creed he, quite lood ; " Ah's noa 
 forgot hoo yoh swinnel'd ma oot o' fifty pund a' Not- 
 tin'ham meeatin' !" " Ah's noa Weelsh, or Scots, or Irish," 
 saays ah, as lood as he ; " ah's raal Yarkshur, an' ah'm 
 prood o' mah own lond an' naativ' pleeace ; as fer Not- 
 tin'ham, ah wur niwir thur i' mah loive, yoh vaagabond I 
 Whur i' t' naame o' marsy did yoh iwir git fifty pund 
 t' loose i' bettin' ?" 
 
 Ah wur riled, ah wur, bud neeboor Langrick begged ma 
 t' coom on oot o' crood. They mad' waay fer oos as we 
 cam' on, bud chap kipt callin' oot t' a paack o' durty 
 ill-leukin' blaackgaards loike hissel, "That's a Welsher ! 
 a Welsher ! tak' caare, gintlemen, ah knaw him ;" an' 
 iv' t' mob did'nt shaat an' hoot arter oos acraass t' 
 coorse, an' iwiry ee wur toorned on oos. We gat 
 awaay quick as we cud amang t' booaths, an' shows, an* 
 spice staalls, " Welshur ! Welshur !" soondin' i' mah 
 eears. Ah'v noa noose t' tell aboot soights o' Kaace 
 Cooarse. Maist foak knaw what thim lang Ipines o' 
 booaths air fer ivvirythin' oor best men air eddicatin' 
 an' treein' t' mak' t' peuple roise aboon. Loo, degraaded, 
 voile poorsoots, an' beeast- loike indoolgence, an' a' oonder 
 t' maask o' innoacent pleashur an' amusemeant, an' 
 thur's t' pitty, an' that mak's it warse ! Ah'v seean 
 pratty moadest-leukin' coontry lasses oot fer a deay's 
 hollidaay a'maist draagged intul soom o' them loo 
 booaths, an' we maay seea t' ind i' t' streeats o' Leeads, 
 or i' sooisoide a few moonths laater ! Why canna foaks 
 enjoay hoarse-raacin' an' it's a noable spoart " wi'oot 
 makkin' ivviry raace groond a Pandymoneyhum ?" as 
 paarson saays. Iv ah wur Toon Cooncil an' Maagis- 
 traates, ah wudna let onny wun poot oop a booath o' 
 raace coorse, iv ah didna knaw 'em t' be deacent an' 
 respecktaable. Foaks 'specially English foaks mun 
 eeat an' dreenk, bud ah'd doa a' ah cud t' poorge awaay 
 t' raascals an' blaackgaards who disgraace oor noable
 
 65 
 
 spooart, an' mak' hoonest men a'maist fooresweear 
 raaces an' raacin' altegithir ! 
 
 Weel, neeboor Langrick an' ah wur waalkin' aboot 
 amang t' gorse booshes i' t' center o' t' famus coorse, 
 whin we seed a nion moonted o' a steul, an' 
 shaatin' oot t' a crood aroond. We stoapped t' lissen. 
 He wur eellin' silvir lokkets. " Yoh sea, mah freends," 
 saays he he wur a weel-leukin' an' neeatly-donned 
 chaap " ah'm sellin' thease bootifool silver lokkets t' 
 poot yoor sweeatheeart's bonny haair in- worth hawf-a- 
 croon at leeast becas o' a waager atweean Loord 
 Watterpairk an' t' Markiss o' Laangdaale. Thease noable 
 loords ha' mad' a bett o' 500 ah canna seel twea 
 hoondred an' feefty lokkets mad' by Hoont an' Eoskill, 
 t' foirst silversmeeths i' Lunnon, or t' waarld afoor 
 raaces air ower. Ah'm t' ha' a poaney iv ah doa, fer 
 mesel : that's f alive punds. Ah'm boond t' poot a shillin' 
 i' eeach yoh sea ah doa it an' sell it fer saam' munny ; 
 soa ah gie the locket a bootifool silvir lokket, worth 
 hawf-a-croon grattis, free, fer naethin'. Mah Loord 
 Watterpairk saays, 'Yarkshur foaks air soa canny, 
 they'll saay its a flaam ;' an' soa he thinks he'll 
 win his waager. Bud it isna a flaam ; ah pleadge 
 mah ward an' honoor, as a gintlemon, this is a raal 
 troo genuwin silvir lokket, an' a troo coapy o' Her 
 Graashus Maajesty insoide ; sea fer yoorsels. Who'll 
 buy foirst ? ah'm bund t' tak' a shillin' an' gie itbaack !" 
 Ah thout it a Lunnon trick, an' soa did Langrick, 
 an' we laffed ; bud a coontrymon, i' smoock froack, 
 cam' oop, an' saays, " Ah donna believe it, bud ah'll tree 
 wun." Mon gav' him wun ; he oopened it, an', seer 
 enuf, thur wur a broight new shillin', which coontrymon 
 bit wi' his teeath, an' haanded roond: it wur a 
 raal guid wun, an' lokket wur a pratty, neeat, illigant 
 leukin' artikle ! Anither nion bout wun ; it wur t' 
 saame, raale silver ootsoide an' in ; they shoowed 'em a' 
 roond crood, an' thin thur wur a roosh fer t' lokkets, an' 
 shillins pooshed oop i' a' direckshuns by aud an* 
 yoong coontrymen, lads, wimmin'. an' laasses, wi' " Saarve 
 ma foirst, plees," "Ah axed afoor ithirs ;" an' a' wur
 
 66 
 
 anxshus t' tak' advaantage o' sike a guidly chaance 
 o' gettin' soommat fer naethin' : an' ah've foond a' 
 t' waarld aloike i' this saame thing ; iwirywun loikes 
 t' git soommat fer naethin', fra t' heighest tit looest ! 
 
 Weel, mony a haard-yearned shillm', kipt mony a 
 deay fer this ootin', wint intul mon's pockket ; an' doozens 
 o' lokkets wur haanded doon quick as mon cud gie 'em. 
 Bud whin foaks luiked at 'em an' oapened 'em, thay 
 foond t' lokkets wur nae t' saame as foirst wuns, an' 
 thur wur a meadal insoide wi' oapenin' Kristal Pallis on, 
 insteead o' a shillin' : altegither t' roobbishin' things wur 
 nae werth foorpence. A mon stood oop an' saays, " This 
 here thing is a swinnel ; ah'v seean them twea chaps as 
 boort foirst, drinkin' i' a taap raahm wi' t' mon as is 
 sellin' !" A pooir faactory lad cam' oop t' ma, an' saays 
 he, " Ah'v spint a' mah braas ah'd saaved fer a bit o' 
 spoart a' raaces, an' ah'v oonly gotten this thing an' a 
 meadal ; ah meeant lokket fer mither, an' ah thout ah'd 
 git mah shillin' baack agin." Noo, iv thur's wun thing i' 
 t' woide waarld ah haate, its beein' doon, iv- its oanly 
 oot o' a hawfpenny; an', nixt t' haatin' bein' doon 
 mesel, ah haate t' sea ithers doon, an' 'specially iv 
 they're wimmin or bairns. Soa ah oops.t' mon, an' 
 saays ah, " Its a shaame an' a peeace o' roggery t' 
 tak' peuple's munny this waay. Gie t' laad his shillin' 
 baack !" " Noa munny retoorned at this shop," saays 
 mon, laffin' an' winkin' t' soom o' his fellars ; an' thin 
 he tuk a soight, an' toorned an' orgaan loike i' t' air 
 wi' ither hond ! " Ah thout yoh Yarkshur bites cudna 
 be taen in, no hoo," saays he, paackin' oop his roobbish. 
 "Yoor a swinnler," saays ah. "Tak' caare," saays 
 he, " ah've a broother, a laawyer, i' t' citee o' Lunnon, 
 an' thoase wards air acktshunaable." " Ah daare saay 
 yoh ha' a broother a laawyer," saays ah, " an' as big 
 a roage as yoorsel." Langrick wur as riled as ah 
 wur at sike knaavish waays ; an' we kipt pootin' jaw 
 intul mon, an' he baack agin. Maist o' foaks roond, 
 loike simpel soockin' doocks, or better, loike greeat 
 gooises, held thur toongs, baashfool loike, an' left 
 oos t' feight it oot. Ither men cam' oop, an' crooded
 
 67 
 
 roond ; fellars wi' bloobber lips, bool-necks, blooid-shot 
 ees, an' ligs nokkaneed. "What's yoor lab. tie gaame," 
 saays an ill-leukin' specinran t' ma ; " ha' yoh loast 
 onnythin', aud fellar ?" " Noa," saays ah, "yoong 
 fellar, ah knaws mah coompaany, an' ah tak' caare o' 
 that ! ah hasna loast onnythin'." " Weel, thin," saays 
 he, " moind yoor awn bussiness, or it wull be warse fer 
 yoh." <l It is mah buziness," saays ah, baack agin; 
 " its t' buziness o' ivviry hoanest mon t 1 shoaw oop 
 sike cheeates an' roages, an' poot wraang reight. Gie 
 t' lad his shillin'," ah shaated t' lokket mon, who wur 
 sneeakin' off. Langrick baacked ma ; ithirs didna. Lad 
 wur creein' ; we treed t' foliar mon, bud t' dirty jale- 
 boird-leukin' gaang cloased roond oos. " What's oop 
 noo," creed a big boolly o' a fellar, wi' a booldog faace, 
 wi' a deeap scaar acraass his noase not altegithir t' 
 soart o' mon ah'd loike t' meeat i' a snicket a' twalve 
 o' neight who cam' rooshin" oop, " What's t' preshus roo 
 aboot ?" " Why," saays ah, " this pooir lad's beean 
 swinnled oot o' his braass by that chaap gangin' ower 
 yander ; bud ah'll foliar him, an' gie him i' chaarge ;" an' 
 ah mad' a poosh t' goa. "Wull yoh, yoh aud buffer?" 
 saays wun. " Yoh waant soom o' yoor cheeak taakin' 
 oot o' yoh," saays anithir, shoovin' ma : ah shooved 
 baack agin. " Goa intul t' Johnny Eaaw," creed t' 
 big-un ; " hit him haard, he's gat na freends ;" an' he 
 strook ma i' t' faace. Ah gav' it him baack a lahtle 
 haarder, ah think ; an' thin a lot o' blaackguards set on 
 ma an' Langrick. " Bonnet 'em ! bonnet t' cooutry 
 yokels !" was noo creed; an' i' t' twinklin' o' a beadpoast, 
 mah Soonday braard- brimmed haat wur smaashed ower 
 mah ees, an' they pitched intul ma reight an' left ! Ah hit 
 oot a' roond, an' gav' soom o' 'em enuf, ah knaw ! Peuple 
 wur creein' oot, " Polis ! Polis !" bud nane cam'. Ah gat 
 soom haardish brods ; haat saaved mah faace an' yed a 
 bit. Ah felt mah hoontin' waatch gaein' : it wur mah 
 feyther's an' graandfeyther's, an' ah held toight to 
 t' aud steeal chaain ; bud they broak it off, an' waatch 
 wint. They noo coort mah aarms behoind, an' cleeared 
 oot mah pokkets ; ah did a' ah cud, bud they wur too
 
 68 
 
 > 
 
 monny, an' they kicked ma shaamefool. At a cree, " T' 
 bobbees ! t' bobbees !" wun gav' ma a kuoock doon bloe, an' 
 left ma. It wur a faalse alaarm ; noa polls cam'. They 
 wur gittin' cooarse cleear, foaks saayed ; an' on gittin' man 
 haat oop agin, ah foond Langrick by mah soide, an' t' 
 raascals gane. " Ah gie thee credit, Goorkrodger," saays 
 he ; " yoh hit straaight oot fra t' shoolder ! Ah gat a 
 guid 'un i' t' ribs by mistak', as ah wur helpin' yoh." 
 " Ha' they robbed yoh ?" saays ah. " Yea," saays he, 
 " all bud t' retoorn tickkits ; ah'vt'heni saafe, thaank good- 
 ness ; ah'm hoort an' sair a' ower ; ah think we'd beast 
 gangwhoame ; what dusta saay, Goorkrodger ?" " Haang 
 t' raaces," saays ah, " ah con haardly staand; ah'm fer 
 whoarne, soopper, an' bed." They wur gettin' reeady fer 
 Greeat Kaace noo, an' bell raang fer cooarse t' be cleeared 
 a lang job that deay. " We mun seea that," saays ah, 
 " arter coomin' soa faar ; ah'm robbed an' woorn oot, bud 
 ah mun seea t' Ledger," Langrick wur warked oop too 
 by t' soights an' soonds aroond. " Let's staay," saays he, 
 "ah con leean agin this poast; it'll sooin be ower." 
 Certaainly thur's summat varry fasseenaatin' (oor skeul- 
 measter offen uses that ward,) i' hoarse raacin' ; we forgat 
 oor sair skins an' impty pockkets, an' wur discoosin' aboot 
 this hoarse an' that hoarse, an' ah wur laayin' doon t' laaw 
 aboot t' merrits o' t' faavorite ; whin who shud coom oop 
 bud oor cockney freend wi' a doazen ithirs. " Noa wel- 
 shurs allowed heeare !" creed they; "Off! off! they're a' 
 expelled t' cooarse by oarder o' t' Committee ! send t' 
 welshurs off! send t' welshurs off!" An' t' mob tuk' oop 
 t' cree, an' iv a paarcil o' bairns didna pelt oos wi' rotten 
 appels, an' noots, an' bits o' paarkin', an' ginger beer 
 bottels ! " Goa intul toon an' git shaampooed," whativer 
 is that? creed cockney; "Noa welshurs heeare !" Ah 
 cud foight noa mair nor Langrick nayther, soa we thout it 
 beast t' goa. We draaged oorsels alang by t' big rows o' 
 staables, wi' a hootin' set o' blaackligs, an' a lot o' bairns 
 kippin' oop t' cree, "Welshurs! Welshurs!" an noo an' 
 agin sendin' a staane arter oos. Cockney-leukin' mon 
 creed oot t' his gaang, " Iv Sallinger wearnt a- 
 coomin' off, we'd folly t' faat hoomboogs, an' doock
 
 69 
 
 'em i' t' hoarse pond acrass rooad yander !" We 
 gat off t' cooarse at laast, an' sot doon on a seeat t' 
 taalk maatters ower. We wur boath raythur doon i' t' 
 mooth. We agreead we mun goa whoame, an' mak' t' 
 beast o' it ; soa we wint baack intul toon, weeary enuf. 
 We paassed foine new choorch, jist loike an aud wun bilt 
 ivvir soa mony yeears, wi' a greeat toor an' big winders a' 
 roond fool o' staained glaas, loike Yark Minster, we wur 
 tould, bud we'd noa haarts t' stoody it. We gat t' Bail- 
 waay Stashun, coort a traane, an' wur sooin baack i' 
 Wak'field Ah borrowed enuf munny thur t' tak' oos 
 whoame, an' arter pairtin' wi neeboor Langrick wi' a 
 " bettir looik nixt toime," ah foond ma waay whoame. 
 Deeame mad' oot ah'd beean drinkin', an', saays she, 
 " Ah donna hawf believe yoor fond taale. What biziness 
 had yoh t' goa tit Sallinger at a', wi'oot lettin' ma knaw 
 afoorhond?" "Ah hadna toime, Deeam," saays ah, "it 
 wur a' setteld i' a moament." " Fiddle-de-dee," saays 
 she, " it leuks varry mitch loike a mad' oop thing atween 
 yoh an' that Langrick, it doa ; ah'd Langrick him, iv ah 
 had him heere, ah wad ! Bud, Tim, yoh nivvir con saay 
 ' Noa ' tiv onnywun ; or cree ' Bo ' tiv a gooise ! Yoh lit 
 onny gawvison leead yoh by t' noase, an' ha' noa wull ov 
 yoor awn loike ithir men." " 'Specially whin thou goest 
 on," thinks ah t' mesel ; " thou art gray maare too offen, 
 ah knaw !" bud ah held mah tung, kipt eeatin' mah 
 soopper, an' lit aud Deeame fire awaay ! She wur poot oot, 
 too, at mah loass, an', saays she, " That's a varst warse 
 than Tallymen, ah think." Weel, ah canna help t' baad 
 thouts o' peuple ; a' ah knaw is, ah'v spoaken t' trooth, 
 an' neeboor Langrick wull baack ma oop i' ivviry 
 ward!
 
 MEAKY GANGS MOOSHROOMIN', AN' T f 
 IND 0V IT. 
 
 It wur jist t' toime o' yeear whin t' hedges is coovered 
 wi' caat-haws, an' hips, an' bummelkites, an' maass 
 webbs, an' cock webbs, loike daainty laace, haang a' 
 alang t' booshes ; an' at evintoide t' blaackclocks 
 
 " Wheeal thur droony floight," 
 
 as they saaid a' Beeadins, an' t' lones git sodden wi' 
 t' raain, an' t' sough o' t' wind soonds a lahtle wintrey 
 loike, an' t' moorn gits laater, an' t' neight draaws 
 i' soonner it wur jist this seeason oor Meeary wint 
 mooshroomin'. 
 
 Deeame wur allus a guid haand at makkin' Ketchoop, 
 an' monny o' t' quaality cam' fer bottels, an' it wur 
 woorth whoile makkin' it. Meary poot on an aud rid 
 shaawl an' ivviry-deay bonnet, an' tuk oor bootter baasket, 
 an' wint her waay ; Deeame cawin' oot, " Moind, Meary, 
 donna bring onny taedsteals this toime ! thou'lt foind 
 fermer Nankivell's fields beast pleeace." Off wint Meary ; 
 it wur jist arter breeakast. Deeame sit t' wark t' 
 battledeer t' cleas ; its set pot an' battledeer ivviry weeak, 
 an' ah haate thim deays, ah doa ! ah'v nae meeals i' 
 coomfort, yat or cowld. 
 
 Weel, ah wint off t' ploo, an' whin ah cam' whoame a' 
 neean t' dinner, Deeame saays, " Hasta seean Meary ?" 
 " Noa," saays ah, " yoh doant meean t' saay her's noat 
 coom whoame?" "Ah, bud ah doa," saays she, "an' 
 varry flay'd ah'm aboot her ! Yoh mun goa an' seeak 
 her." Weel, ah hadna had a bit o' a soop sin' hawf-paast 
 sivin o' t' moorn, an' it wur noo paast neean ; an' plooin's 
 a famus thing t' gie a mon a squeese o' t' stoomark ! Ah
 
 71 
 
 wur moortaal hoongry, ah wur ; an' t' smeall o' t' stew 
 Deeame had maade, wur enuf t' mak' onny mon's mooth 
 watter ! bud ah wint off t' leuke fer Meary. Ah wint 
 alang by t' Beeas, an' oop t' broo, an' acrass fermer Coult- 
 hard's an' aud doctor Poppleton's paasthurs ; (ah'v a 
 foonny taale aboot thoase chaps t' tell soom deay !) an' ah 
 caw'd, " Meary ! Meary ! Meary !" as lood as ah cud, 
 an' mad' din enuf a'maist t' wakken t' deead. Ah met 
 wun o' fermer Nankivell's daytle men, an' ah axed him iv 
 he hadna seean oor Meary. " Noa," saays he, " ah'v 
 nivvir sot ees on her." 
 
 Thin ah toorned oop a lone, an' kipt a shaatin' oot, 
 " Meary ! Meary ! Meary !" an' a paarcel o' oonroolly 
 baairns, gaein' whoame fra t' skeual, mad 1 foon o' mah, 
 an' caw'd oot lood a' doon t' lone, " Meary ! Meary ! 
 Meary!" Skeualmeaster shud teych 'em better, ah 
 think ! manners maks t' bairn an' lad, as weel as t' 
 mon ; an' ah donna knaw onnythin' mair vexin' than t' 
 ha' t' doa wi' a lot o' sawsy, ill- bred, bawld-leukin, an' fool 
 speeakin' lads an' laasses : yoh canna beeat bairns 
 ither foaks bairns 'specially an' .they laf at guid wards 
 an' correkshun o' the tonge. What wull t' warld cum to, 
 iv oor skeual bairns dizzened git proaper eddicashun. 
 Keeadin' an' wreetin', ah think, air oanly pairt o' 
 eddicashun ! Ah shud loike f sea ? heeart eddicated, as 
 weel as t 1 yed. Wi'oot this, bairns groo oop forrad, prood, 
 an' consaited loike, an' despise aud foak. It mak's ma 
 saad, it doa, t' sea soa monny feeals coom oot o' skeuals, 
 an' guid skeuals too. Ah think, wi' a' t' taalk aboot 
 eddicashun, t' raal trooth is t' eddicaters want eddicatin'. 
 MaK skeualmeaster's pleeace mair honooraable loike; paay 
 him better ; fer ah hoold a guid, conshyhenshoose 
 Skeualmeaster, who trees his beast t' bring oop bairns t' 
 feear God, honoor thur paarents, respeact aud aage, an' 
 luv thur neeboors an' naative lond, is woorth his weeight 
 i' gowd, onny deay. Shoo yoor yoong-uns yoh leuk oop t' 
 him, an' then we may whoape fer men o' laarnin', wi' t' 
 genus, bud not t' vice, o' Ugin Aram, t' tak' teeachin' i' 
 haand, an' refoorm oor bairns' maanners as weel as fill 
 thur yeds. That's t' oanly waay t' chaange oor stook oop
 
 72 
 
 yoong shaavers intul deacent chaaps au' hoanest men. 
 Ah yeard pairson saay onst, 
 
 " A labile larnin' is a dang'rous thing ; 
 
 Drink deeap or taast noat t' pie herring spring." 
 Thof what that maay be, ah donna knaw ; an' foaks mun 
 begin wi' a drew, ere they impty t' raoog Bud 
 ah'm forgittin' Meary ! Ah wint oop wun laane, an' doon 
 anither, an' alang wun field, an' alang anither, an' i' t' 
 tatee clooas, an' by t' bit o' moorlond Blaacksmith wint 
 spoartin' ower laast baack ind : that's anither foonny taal 
 t' tell ! Ah shoo'd a' t' burds awaay wi' mah " Meary ! 
 Meary ! Meary !" an' thoase durty, lahtle, oogly, blaack- 
 gaard lads an' laasses, ivvir soa faar off, mockkin' ma 
 wi' teeny vices, creein' oot, " Meary ! Meary ! Meary 1" 
 Weel, ah spint an' oor or mair leukin' fer mah laass, an 1 
 ah wur that doon oop an' hoongry, ah wur fain t' teeak 
 an' eeat t' berris off t' hedges an' rest awhoile on t' bonk. 
 Jist i' t' pleeace ah wur gain t' sit doon on, thur wur sum 
 coosh-a coo-leedies ; ah caarefoolly poot t' pooir things on 
 Wun soide, fer ah donna hoold wi' killin' onny thing bud 
 what ah'm obleegated t' kill, an' ah thinks as ah canna 
 poot loife intul t' mee.anest insect, ah ought t' let "^em liv' 
 thur lahtle deay. Mony things t' Almighty has mad' air 
 usefool, thof we canna, wi' oor pooir eesoight, mak' it oot 
 cleear. 
 
 Ah wur dooin' an' thinkin' thoos, whin ah yeard, a 
 feeld or twea off, a Bool bellooin', an' thin sooin wun 
 greet faaint loike. Mah ward, ah wasna lang crassin' t' 
 headge ; an' thur ah seed Squeer Scamodeen's greeat 
 Bool a teearin', an' roisterin', an' traamplin' soommat 
 oonder his fit. Hoo ah trimbled, yoh maay be seer, whin 
 ah seed it wur pooir Meary's bonnet a' i' peeaces, an' her 
 bootter baasket crooshed quoite flaat by t' foorioos broot ! 
 Ah had coom behoind a lair, an' t' bool wur i' t' field 
 beyant. Ah cud sea him roon at t' lair deer, an' drive 
 his horns agin it, an' thin ah leuked oop, an' thur wur 
 mah pooir Meary on t' lair roof, hooldin' on fer deear 
 loife to t' thaatch, an' bool cloas oonderneeath ! " Oh 
 mah laass," ah creed, " ah'm heare, hoold faast fer God's 
 saake! ah'll git thee doon." " Oh feyther ! feyther !"
 
 78 
 
 grooaned t' pooir thing, " ah'm a'maist ded ; t' bool has 
 kipt ina heare sin' t' moorn, an' ah'v haad graand wark t' 
 git awaay fra him." " 'Tis thy rid shaawl, Meary," saays 
 ah, " gie it ma iv thou canst." An' arter mitch trooble 
 ah gat it fra her. Ah thin toold Meary t' hoold toight 
 fer a lahtle langer ; an' arter ah'd gatten a boo off a tree, 
 ah poot rid shaawl ower it, an' wint tit headge, waavin' it 
 loike. 
 
 Mah ee, hoo t' beeast toor an' raaged arter it ! Hoo he 
 rooared saavage loike, tull ah wur afeared he'd teear throf 
 hedge at ma ; bud it wur gooid sycamoore trees an' thick 
 braahs, an' beeast cudna mak' a rooad. On ah wint 
 leeadin' him foorthur an' foorthur t' ind o' field ; an' thin, 
 whin he wur chargin' loike oor West Eeedin' Yomen 
 Cavalry at a Eevue, as ah'v seen 'em on Knaavesmire, 
 fool speead loike, wi' his baack t' Meary, ah creed oot : 
 " Noo, lass, 1100 ! drap an' roon fer yat." It wur hawf 
 waay crass paasthur, an' iv bool had toorned he'd a' coort 
 her ; bud ah kipt him i' plaay, an' pooir thing she drooped 
 doon off lair. Ah thout she'd a gotten saafe acrass, bud 
 oh, marsy, she grooaned an' saaid, " Oh feyther ah'v poot 
 mah foot oot, an' ah canna moove a bit! ah'm in sike 
 paain !" Ah saaid, "fer Hivin saake, tree t' crawl onny- 
 hoo t' git t' yat." She begaan t' doa as ah saaid, bud 
 vaary slaw an' mooanin', an' she saaid, " Oh feyther, 
 ah'm i' sike paain, an' soa weeak, ah shall faaint." Bool 
 noo stood an' listened loike ; he kipt rooshin' noo an' agin 
 at rid shaawl ; bud he seeamed ristless an' ooneeasy, an' 
 waanted t' toorn roond. Ah did a' ah cud t' mak' him 
 kip at mah soide o' field, shook shaawl, shaated at him, 
 an' treed t' fix his raage on ma. Ah leuked agin fer 
 Meary bool wur i' mah leight fer a moament an' caw'd 
 her, bud oh mah haart an' sowl ! she'd gane i' a swoond, 
 an' wur liggin' flaat on t' groond hawf waay acrass t' yat. 
 Feythers an' mithirs wull knaw what ah sooffered 
 keeapin' t' furioos beeast fra mah cheeld, an' expectin' 
 iwiry moament he wud toorn an' kill her ! Ah canna 
 tell mah feealin's ; ah offen woonder mah haair didna 
 toorn gray a' at onst wi' freight an' greeaf ! Ah wur 
 woorn oot, mah airms soa stiff ah cud haardly hoold oop
 
 74 
 
 t' rid shaawl, an' ah begun t' shaate loostily fer help. Ah 
 wur flay'd t' leeave bool t' goa t' Meary ; he wud reeach her 
 foirst. Ah cudna git throf headge, an' iv ah cud, ah cudna 
 measter bool. Ah'd nobbut a weeak stick, bud ah's seer, i' 
 mah laass's froightfool keeas, ah shud ha' gaen t' 
 gaainest waay tiv her, iv thur wur onny rooad. Ah did 
 tree t' foarce throf braahs, bud cudna ; bool this moaraent 
 toorned an' raaced loike maad roond feeld. Oh mah 
 braain ! t' blooid seeamed t' boorst mah veeins ! Bool 
 haad raaced roond onst, thin he saaw Meary ; he wint oop 
 tiv her an' smealt her ; thin he baacked t' ha' a guid roon 
 at her a' toss her, whin, wi' lood shaats, yoong William 
 Oakworth cam' roonin' oop wi' soom o' his daytlemen, wi' 
 roapes an' peetchfoarks. In a moament they'd roapes ower 
 bool's hoarns an' neack, an' mad' him faast tiv a treea. 
 Pooir Meary wur taen oop ; ah saaw teears i' yoong William 
 Oakworth's een. Ah wur greetin', too, an' a'maist reeady 
 t' swoon loikewoise. Meary sooin cam' roond; she 
 leuked varry graatefool at yoong Oakworth ; an' weel she 
 mud, fer he saaved her loife, nae doobt ! 
 
 We loaned a cairt, an' gat whoame aboot foor o' t' 
 clock. Deeame hawf deead wi' froight ; she'd beean oop 
 an' doon a' t' feelds roond aboot, an' roosin' foaks t' 
 helppin' her t' leuk fer oos. Meary toold oos hoo it wur 
 she cam' acrass bool. She'd gane fra pasthur t' pasthur, 
 an' haad gatten her maarket baasket hawf fool, mebbe, o' 
 mooshrooms, whin she yeard a bellooin' i' t' nixt feeld, 
 an' seed bool raacin' loike maad tiv her. Thur wur a yat 
 i' t' feeld, an' she didna feeal timmid coontry lasses 
 sealdom doa bud beeast droave fool at yat, an' yat wur 
 rotten, loike monny fermer's yats, an' teed wi' roape jist 
 as rotten. Bool broak his waay throf. Meary ran fer 
 her loife ; she droapt baasket ; that stoapped bool a 
 moament. Meary raan fer lair, foond deer steyk'd, an' 
 paadlock on it. Bool cam' tearin', roorin' beyant ; Meary 
 mad' desp'raate roosh, poot foot on paadlock, an' gat oop 
 on loo rooaf o' baarn ; she cud baarely hoold on t' 
 thaatch, an' bool jist beloo. Her boannet droapt off 
 gettin' oop, an' t' foorioos beeast toare an' traampled it t' 
 peeaces.
 
 75 
 
 Weel, t' pooir lass sooffered a guid deeal fra that deay's 
 wark, an' offen staarted i' her sleeap fer weeaks, creein* 
 oot, "Oh, feyther! feyther ! t' bool ! t'bool!" Ah doa 
 saay that its mah nooation, that a' that keeap saavage 
 beeasts o' onny koind shud keeap 'em saafe, or be fined 
 enuf t' mak 'em doa it. Meary has niwir gaen moosh- 
 roomin' agin ; bud ah donna think yoong William Oak- 
 worth be altegither sorry fer that deay's wark ! He wur 
 quite a hearo wi' a' t' lasses, an' Meary, ah think, isna 
 oongraatefool I Onny hoo, t' Sweeat-William i' t' gaardin' 
 is noo mair tended an' leuked arter than a' t' ithir floors 
 poot tegither, an' ah think that mun meean summat 1 
 Bud ah mun ax noa queshuns !
 
 AH VISIT SMOOAKY LEEADS, AN' MAF MAH 
 
 KEFLEKSHUNS 0' MONY SOIGHTS, AN' 
 
 MONY THINGS. 
 
 As ah ha' saaid, ah soomtoimes goa t' Leeads on 
 bissiness, an' soomtoimes ah'v taen Deeame an' Meary ; 
 thof Meary donna loike t' pleeace mitch arter seein' her 
 Melisha chap thur. Bud he's cleean gane oot o' her yed 
 noo, an' ah wadna be i' his shoon iv he wur t' tree t' git 
 in agin ! ah wudna ! 
 
 "Weel, nae doobt Leeads is a foine toon, wi' foine 
 streeats an' bildin's, bud a' spoilt t' mah taaste, by t' 
 cloods o' smooak. T' foirst laarge hoose yoh seea, whin 
 yoh leeave Sintraal Stashun, is caw'd Queean's Hottel ; 
 an' a' its pillaars, an' winders, an' balloostraades (a mon 
 tould ma t' naame o' them things,) air begreemed wi' 
 moock an' soot ; an' it's t' saame wi' ivvirythin' big an' 
 lahtle i' Leeads. "Smooak," ahyeard a' engineerin' mon 
 saay onst, " is loast yeat ;" an' why donna they saave this 
 "loast yeat," an' mak' t' sky leighter, an' t' pokkets o' 
 faactory measters heeavier ? 
 
 An' aboot t' dirt an' feelth in an' aroond Leeads, an' 
 ither big pleeaces, ah knaw ah sud be glaad enuf t' ha' 
 soom o' t' moock o' mah feelds they fool the watter wi'. 
 T' groond taks tiv it natterally loike. Ah saay t' y earth 
 is mad' fer moock, an' moock is mad' fer t' yearth ; thin 
 why not bring 'em tegithir ? Why, i' t' naame o 1 
 common sinse, pooison yoor streeams wi' it ? Ah think 
 soom deay, whin woiser an' happier foaks liv' i' t' warld, 
 they'll saay, " What boom donnots oor foorbears wur t 1 
 kip a stink oonder thur noases, an' waast thahsands 
 oopon thahsands o' punds, whin they mud ha' mad'
 
 77 
 
 moock a blessin' as we doa." That's jist hoo they'll 
 speeak o' oos a sentry t' coom, ah knaw ! 
 
 Con thur be onnythin' i' Natter mair bootifool thon a 
 booblin', rooshin', spaarklin' streeamlet, coomin' freash 
 doon fra t' fells or t' moontains, a' broightness an' puritty 
 an' pooir ? an' con thur be onnythin' mair clisgoostin' to t' 
 een, an' t' noase, an' t' feealins, than t' saarue streeam as 
 it flows throf t' smooaky streeats o' a faactory toon ? T' 
 watter blaack as ink, an' reeakin' wi t' feelth o' mills, 
 an' dye-hooses, an' drooggisters' warks, an' t' beeastly oot- 
 falls an' boominashuns o' hoondreds o' thahsaands ; wi' a 
 naasty scoom, an' a cloody steeam, enuf t' pooison and nick 
 hissel ; an' wi' deead caats an' dogs' flooatin', insteead o' 
 watter lillees an' crasses ! Ah canna fer mah loife think, 
 whin ah knaw what fortoons air maade i' traade doant 
 we heeare ivviry deay a'maist o' men leeavin' yeaps o' 
 gowd, mad' i' oor laarge toons ! ah canna think why 
 they doant mak' t' soorroondin's o' traade mair pleeasant 
 an' 'tractive loike, fer thursens an' warkpeuple, an' a' t' 
 warld ! Thur wur a mon i' a laarge waay o' 
 buziness i' Braadfurth, an' he foond a big toon wurna 
 t' pleeace fer t' heealth or moraals o' his warkpeuple, 
 or his awn coomfort an' traade. Soa he wint soom 
 mahles oot intul t' coontry, an' beilt a graand new 
 pleeace, a toon i' itsel, by t' Rivvir Aire ; an' as his 
 naame wur Salt Titus Salt he caw'd t' freash 
 warks Saltaire. Ah've beean thur ; an' onny wun con 
 sea at onst t' warkfoaks air a diffrent raace fra 
 thoase i' t' cloas, dirty, oonwholesoom streeats o' t' 
 faactory toons. They're heealthy : leukin', neeatly donned, 
 thur bairns roasy an' fool o' cheeldhood's plaay as a' bairns 
 shud bea an' thur whoames cleean, an' wi' deacent 
 foorniture i' 'em ; an' thur's Skeuls, an' Baaths, an' Wesh- 
 hooses, an' Eeeadin' Eaahms, an' Arms Hooses, an' 
 caare o' warkfoaks' morals, an' coomforts, an' sooffrins, 
 an' aud aage. That's t' waay fer manufacterrers t' yearn 
 brass an' blessin's at t' saame toime ! 
 
 Ah wish thur wur feefty Saltaires coot oot o' Leeads 
 an' Braadfurth, ah doa. Whin oor grashus Queean God 
 bleass her ! gav' Titus Salt a haandle tiv his naame (he's
 
 78 
 
 Sir Titus noo), ah donna think t' biggest Eaadical i' 
 Yarkshur wud saay it wurna reight t' honoor sike a mon. 
 Ah wish a' teetles an' honoors wur as weel desaarved, ah 
 doa ! Warkfoaks air not masshins, an' iv they wur, 
 they'd neead oil a' toimes ; they waant freash aair, an' 
 leight, an' whoalesoom whoames, an' propper fooid fer 
 moind an' boady. Foaks air emigraatin' t' Ameriky ; 
 ah'd loike t' sea a lahtle emigraashun a' whoame 
 emigraashun fra t' crooded, smooaky toons to t' freea 
 freash coontry vaales, an' sloapes, an' hill soides. That's 
 what Englaand neeads noo. 
 
 Weel, ah'v saaid enuf aboot this ; ah'll leuk aroond ma 
 a bit. T' cheaf streeat o' Leeads is caw'd Briggaite. Its 
 a laang oop-hill rooad wi' hooses o' a' shaapes an' sizes ; 
 soom air graand, soom toomble doon, soom wi' pointed 
 roofs, soom wi' flaat wuns, soom laanky, soom brooad, 
 soom cottaige loike, soom loike pallises, giunts, an' 
 dwaarfs, and an' new feshioned, whoite, rid, gray, blaack ; 
 bud a'maast a' wi' noable an' bonny shows o' guids i' t' 
 winders, wi' iwerythin' a mon can waant fer t' iusoide 
 an' t' ootsoide, an' enuf an' t' spaare o' a' ! 
 
 Thurs a new streeat, Boar Lone, they'v caw'd it, by 
 Briggaite, thof it noa mair leuks loike a lone than ah leuks 
 loike a taylyer. Thur air soom splindid shoaps thur. 
 Ah think that lone beeats onny streeat or gait i' Leeads ; 
 an' iv they goa on soa, an' mak' sike lones, ah woonder 
 bigow what thur beeast streeats wull bea soom deay ! 
 
 T a big streeat, leeading doon fra inither lone, Pairk 
 Lone, ah think, thur's a Royaal Feelosoffical Museeum, an' 
 its oanly a penney eeach t' goa in. " Wilta goa ?" saays 
 ah t' Deeame an' Meary. " Yea, iv thou loikest," saaid 
 they; soa in we wint. Thur's a turnsteel koind ov a 
 thing yoh'v t' poosh throf ; by gum, ah etoock faast ! it 
 isna mad' fer coontry fermers, ah think ! Aud mon insoide 
 haad t' pool, Deeame an' Meeary haad t' shoove, an' at 
 laast ah wint throf ; bud ah fell on, an' a'maist crooshed, 
 aud mon, an' ah yeard him saay t' hissel, " Ah whoape 
 ah'll not ha' monny mair sike coostomers as yon chaap ; 
 he's as big an' heeavy as oor stooffed booffaloo !" Ah tuk 
 noa notidge, fer ah'd mad' him flaat as a pancaake ; an'
 
 79 
 
 we toorned to glaass caases. Thur's a' soarts o' things 
 fra a' soarts o' pleeaces, wi' tikkets on 'em a'. Thur's 
 speears, an' daaggers, an' sheelds, an' thoonderin' big 
 waar cloobs o' New Zeealand saavages : mah ee, thim 
 things wud gie a craack ower yoor yed ; wun o' cheef 
 Shoongie's is a stoonner, an' noa misteak. Thur's kannus 
 an' paaddles, an' an oombrellow thahrty fit heigh ; ah 
 shud loike t' sea t' chaap who waalks oot wi' thaat 
 aartikle, ah shud ! Then thur's a moommy, as they caws 
 it a soart o' pikkled boady fra Egipt wlmr they kipt 
 thur deead relaashuns i' greeat cav's an 1 peerhymeeds, 
 insteead o' burryin' ov 'em as we doa. Meary red what 
 waas rit on it. It saaid, " Ah'm Eukasiv Amun, Freest, 
 boom 1722, B.C." Leedy staandin' by saaid B.C. meeans 
 "Befoor Christ;" she saaid, too, she'd nivvir seean a 
 moommy wi' graander paaintin' an' gealdin' on it. 
 
 Them Egiptshuns mun ha' bin queear foaks t' pikkle 
 eeach ithir i' this faashun ; an' t' foonny thing is they 
 pikkled caats an' crookadyles, an' ithir varmints saame 
 waay. They mun ha' had plinty o' vinnegaar, ah think, 
 an' lots o' spaare toime i' them aud deays ! A bit farthur 
 on thur's a caase wi' a loomp o' summat wi' baanes, 
 staanes, chaarcoal, fleent, an' ithir things a' mixed oop 
 tegither; thur's writ on a caard, " Prehistorick mon 
 Beccia o' Calcarious cintur." Ah treed t' mak' it oot, an' 
 cudna ; ah '11 leeave it t' woiser yeds than moine. Thur's 
 a pictur o' Leeads wi'oot onny faactorees mony yeears 
 agoa, an' Leeads cooat o' airmes, twea daancin' ools, twea 
 troonchshuns, an' a laamb haangin' by t' middel. Thur's 
 bottels an' joogs wi' haardly onny mooth, an' odd inds o' 
 bricks an' brokken crockenly artickles : ah cud pick oop 
 bettir o' onny doost heeap ! an' heeare they air poot i' 
 foine caases an' kipt loike gowd an' silver ! On t'. staairs 
 thur's fottygraafs mony fit lang o' t' Forhum, Saaint 
 Pitturs, an' Kolly-see-um, Eoome. Them Eooamons knaw 
 hoo t' bild graand pleeaces, onnyhoo ; bud that Kolly-see- 
 um doa waant repaairin' a bit, an' a rooaf t' kip raain oot. 
 Ah seed nixt a bonny model o' Jaroosallem ; Deeame an' 
 ah leuked lang toime at it whoile Meary stoodied 
 t' picturs.
 
 80 
 
 A leedy an' gintlemon wur reeadin' what they caw'd 
 " Magnur Kart-Her ;" " Oor greeat beell o' reights," 
 saays they. Wun paart mad' gintlemon laaf ; it saays, 
 " A'o mon con be convickted on f oaath o' a wommun." " No 
 wommun's reights thin," saaid he tiv leedy. I' t' raahms 
 oop staairs thur's birds, an' beeasts, an' repteels, an' 
 feeshes, an' otocyps ; aud mon wur shawin' foaks t' beast, 
 bud he fout shy o' ma. T' Torgons, an' Parots, an' 
 Cockatoos, an' Paroquettes, an' Peeacocks, an' birds o' 
 Paaradise air bootifool ; it mun be graand t' sea 'em 
 fleein' i' t' aair wi' a' t' coolers o' t' raainboo on thur 
 daainty wings an' breeasts. Thur's a laang rid-neacked 
 thing caw'd a Flaammingo, an' a big whoite bird, wi' a 
 mooth woide enuf t' taake in onny feesh bud a whaale or 
 a shaark. He mun be a laawyur amang t' birds, ah think, 
 wi' sike a swaaller ; Pellicon, he's caw'd. Thur's a foine 
 Scots bird, too ; Mac-caw, its naamed. 
 
 T' shealls i't' Museeum air noice pratty things ; soom loike 
 foire waarks an' caathereen wheeals. Frotoezoher,* they're 
 caw'd, ah think, an' thur's caases fool o' Hacktineehers^ 
 Sea-Ann-Hemmonees ; varry coorios, wi' ootlaandish 
 shaapes an' luvly coolers. Bud beeasts tuk mah faancy 
 maist. Thur's lots o' wild caats, an' beeastly things 
 thim woild caats air. Ah con teel a taale or twea aboot 
 'em on aud Hebblethwaite's Moorelaand Ferme. Thur's 
 Booffaloos mon saaid ah wur loike Lions, a noable 
 Tiager he beeats t' king o' boeasts, he doa he's tin fit 
 lang fra taal t' snoot, an' a braave Englishmen, Kurnal 
 Eeid, kill'd him. Thur's Beers, Zeabras, Deears, 
 Moonkees, an' Aapes beatter leukin' than monny foaks 
 ah knaw ; wun caw'd Presbiteus Nasalleys Probosses,l a 
 moonkey o' Borneo, has a famus noase ; aud leeather 
 snoot, ah caw'd him ! 
 
 Thur's lots o' ithir things ah canna disremember jist 
 
 noo ; skeuls, skeletoons, caases fool o' aud baanes, loomps 
 
 o' staane big as yoor yecl poor stoof, ah think, fer beildin' 
 
 or t' rooads ; ah wadna gie saxpence fer t' whooale lot ! 
 
 Bud thur's mony woonderfool things we nivvir dreeampt 
 
 * Protozoa. f Actinia. 
 
 J Presbytes Nasalis Probocis.
 
 81 
 
 ov afoor, an' ah think yoong foaks wi' plinty o' toime 
 mud spind mony an hoor i' sike pleeaces, an' poot sum- 
 mat i' thur yeds t' help mak' 'era laarned chaps soom 
 deay ! Ah'd fergat t' poast a letter ; soa ah tould Deeame 
 an' Meary ah wud goa t' Poast Offis an' coom baack t' 
 'em. We waalked t' toornsteel ; ah saw a crookled soart 
 o' a kneeafe, wi' Goorka swooard writ on it. " Leuk," saays 
 ah, " ah dussaay them's oor foorbeears," fer t' naame 
 stroock ma. Aud mon had kipt awaay oot o' mah 
 reeach, bud noo he caame oop, an' saays he, "Ah beg 
 paardin', sir, bud ah think ah yeard yoh speeak o' yoor 
 foor beears ?" " Yea, ah did," saays ah ; " an' what thin 
 yoh'v foor beears as weel, ah think ?" " Yea, sir," saays 
 he, roobbin' his haands, " an' foine wuns ; ah whoape 
 yoh'll sea oor Cure-eeator ?" " Yoor what," saays ah 
 " cure-eeator ? what mun he bea ?" " Oh, feythur ! 
 feythur ! donna waait !" creed Meary, " that cure-eeator 
 may bea a monstur o' a woild beeast aloive, an' eeat oos 
 oop!" Mon haad gaen off; he noo cam' baack wi' a 
 gintlemon a paarson soart o' a chaap, wi' a whoite 
 choaker on. " Ah'm tould," saays he, varry ceevil loike, 
 " that yoh'v foor beears ; mud ah ax thur coolor ?" 
 " That's a comikel queshun," thout ah; " does he tak' ma 
 fer a moongrel, whin ah'm Yarkshur brid an' boorn, an' 
 a' mah raace ? does he faancy wun o' mah graand-daads 
 wed wi' a nigger ?" Soa ah saaid, shaarp loike, " Mah 
 foorbeears wur naythur blaack nor broon, bud whoite." 
 " Jist t' thing," saays cure-eeator; " we waant a whoite 
 Poalar beear ; whur con ah sea yoor foor beears ?" " In 
 t' kirkyaard o' Bonnybeck !" saays ah. Whin he foond he 
 wur mistean, an' it wur mah aancesturs ah wur taalkin' 
 aboot, cure-eeator did laf aboon a bit ; ah left him laffin', 
 an' wint to poast mah letter. Leeads Giniral Poast 
 Offis is i' t' saame streeat as Museeum, an' a big pleeace it 
 be. Ah wint oop soom steeaps oonder soom laarge pillers. 
 Faacin' me wur three big whoales ; wun had writ on it, 
 
 " TOO LAATE Box; A' i' THIS BOX WULLNA GOA." What's t' 
 
 use on it, thon, saays ah t' mesel. Tither soide thur wur 
 
 Writ "A' I* THIS BOX WULLNA GOA Wl'oOT EXTRA STAAMP;" 
 
 an'i' t' middel it wur writ " NOOSEPAAPERS." Ah wur
 
 82 
 
 faairly poozzled aboot thim three boxes, ah wur ! an', 
 seein' soom chaps insoide a glass deer, ah pooshed it 
 oapen. "Wur mun ah poast a letter fer Bonnybeck," 
 saays ah tiv a chap tithir soide o' a coonter, pickin' his 
 teeath wi' a steeal pin. " Ootsoide, ootsoide fool direck- 
 shuns ootsoide !" saaid he, shoart loike, an' ah wint oot 
 agin. A poastmon wur coomin' i', an' saays ah, " Wur 
 air t' direkshuns fer poastin' letters ?" I' thim fraames, 
 sir," saays he. Ah leuked ower twea fraames wi' glaas ; 
 thur wur a hoondred pleeaces, mebbe, doon, bud noa 
 Bonnybeck. Thin ah toorned tiv anither fraame, wi' 
 blaack stoof oonderneeath, an' bits o' buks paasted a' 
 ower it; t' print wur that sma' ah cudna mak' it oot 
 wi'oot poottin' mail noase cloase agin t' paaper ; it wur a 
 job, ah con tell'ee. Ah red, ah dussay, a thahsand 
 naames, an' soom o' thim wur raale breeak-jaw wuns. 
 Leuk heare ! Thur wur 
 
 BOOHAKNOISE, AuD CALLABAB, 
 
 NASSAGIWIGS, YAYNAGALLAK, 
 
 NlMITYBELLA, YACKANDANDAH, 
 
 an' hoondreds o' ither ootlaandish naames, bud noa Bonny- 
 beck. Ah did git lungus, ah did ; an hoor or mair gane, 
 an' Deeame an' Meary waaitin' ! Ah oops tiv chap insoide 
 agin, an', saays ah, " Ah canna mak' yed or taal ov yoor 
 direckshuns; ah canna foind mah pleeace onnywhur." 
 " Whur is yoor letter t' goa tiv ?" saaid chap, smootherin' 
 a laf. "Bonnybeck," saays ah. "Oh!" saays he, "yoor 
 too laate ; letters on that loine wint hawf-an-hoor agoa." 
 " Its a creein' shaame," saays ah, " not to poot Bonnybeck 
 doon wi' ithir pleeaces." "Yoh con wreet it yoorsel," 
 saays he, poottin' pin an' ink afoor ma; "thur's raahm 
 enuf o' t' booard." " Ah'll not tak' t' trooble," saays ah. 
 Thur wur ithir chaps behoind t' coonter, an' foaks buyin' 
 staamps; an' they wur a' gigglin', t' gawvisons ! " Ah'll 
 not be poot doon," thout ah ; " ah'll ha' mah reight, an' 
 saay mah saay 1" " Mah letter," saays ah, " is aboot 
 sellin' soom Kye ; its t' Mister Ebbenezzer Sheeapshaanks, 
 an' it mun goa foirst poaste, or ah'll looase t' mairket." 
 Chap saw ah wur determeened loike, an' chaanged his
 
 83 
 
 toone, he did. " Ali'm varry sorry, Sir," saaid he ; 
 " praps if yoh wur t' wreet t' Poaste Maister Grineral i' 
 Lunnun, he'd alter t' hoor ;" an' he pooshed paaper an' pin 
 mah waay agin foaks a' laffin i' fits. " Ah'v bout a 
 Queean's yed," saays ah, varry lood, " an' poot it on mah 
 letter ; wiltna a Queean's yed tak' a letter onnywhur i' Eng- 
 laand ?" " Yea," saays he. " Then," saays ah, " it mun 
 tak' mah letter t Bonnyleck ! ah'll not leeave this offis tull 
 it doa !" An ah brout mah fist doon on t' coonter an' 
 mad' it soond agin, ah did ! Mah ee, ah poozzled 'em an' 
 freeghtened 'em a bit, ah knaw ; an' poast chap saaid, 
 " Is yoor letter, Sir, o' varry greeat konsiquence ?" " 0' t' 
 varry greeatist konsiquence," saays ah. " Mister Ebben- 
 ezzer Sheeapshaanks mun git it i' toime t' sell mah Kitty 
 an' Boottercoop, mah coos ! an' ah'll looase noa ind o' 
 braass iv mah letter dusna goa." "Weel," saays poast 
 chap, " oonder thim circoomstaances, ah think we mun 
 streeatch a point ; leeave yoor letter, Sir, ah'll tillygraf 
 t' Poast Measter Gineral at Lunnun, an' iv he saays ' Yea,' 
 an' ah dussaay he wull, ah'll oorder oot a Eid Poast Offis 
 Caart, an' sind yoor letter expriss t' Bonnybeck !" Weel, 
 ah didna altegither beleeve him, bud Deeame an' Meary 
 wur waaitin', an' what cud ah doa ? soa ah haanded him 
 mah letter, an' pooshed oapen glaass deer an' wint oot ; 
 an' ov a' t' shoots o' laftur ah ivvir yeard, t' laftur o' thim 
 darks an' foaks beat a' ! Ah'd dun naethin' t' laf at, as 
 ah knawed ; bud ah didna loike it t' mair for that, an' ah 
 mad' quick maarch an' gat baack t' Museeum. 
 
 A TOON HAALL CONSOKT. 
 
 Deeame blooed ma oop skee heigh fer keeapin' her 
 waaitin' ; an', t' mak' a' reight agin, saays ah, "Ah'v seean a 
 Bill o' a Toon Haall Consort ; ah'll tak'ee iv thou'lt hod thy 
 tung. Seetha a' t' foaks air leukin' ; they'll think ' graay 
 meer is t' better hoarse!" "An* they'll think reight," 
 saaid aud Deeame ; " what a pooir thing thou wud'st bea 
 wi'oot thy healpmeeat, aye, Tim ! Whativvir thou did'st i' t' 
 waaiid afore ah wed thee, ah cud niwir mak' oot ; thou 
 mun ha' beean loike a sheearlin' laamb i' t' cawld woind, 
 an' noo thou aart as waarm an' coomfortaable as a hog
 
 84 
 
 sheeap i' winter neights ; a' yoor waants proveeded fer, 
 naught t' think aboot, an' faat an' roond as a woolpaack," 
 Thur noo earn' a boorst o' laffin beyant, an' a lot o' 
 sarsey yoong chaaps mad' foine gaame o' oos. " Fer 
 marsy saake," saays ah, " donna speeak as iv ah wur 
 deeaf an' doomb ; thur'll bea a crood arter oos afore 
 lang !" " Ah donna caare a pin iv thur bea," saays 
 Deeame ; " iv thou aart ashaamed o' thy oown woife, thou 
 aart not hawf a mon, Tim. Lit t' geeise caackle ; its t' 
 oanly waay the pooir things con shoaw thur meeanin' ;" 
 an' she toorned tiv yoong chaaps, who chaaffed her, an' 
 creed oot, " Goa it, mither, gie it him ; pitch intul him, 
 aud wommon !" an' thur wud ha' beean a roo i* noa toinie, 
 bud Meaiy an' ah got aud Deeame oop a soide streeat, 
 an' lit t' blaackguaards paass on. Ah thin tould Deeame 
 ah wudna bea caw'd an' blaack'd i' t' pooblic streeats ; 
 that t' wimmin's gift o' t' gaab' wur t' rooat o' a' eavil ; 
 an' we a'maist caame t' wards, bud ah indid it by 
 saayin', " Nivvir moind, we'll goa an' hav' sooni 
 haarmonny, an' lit's droap jaanglin', an' not git oot o' 
 timper aboot triafles." Soa we' mad' it oop, as we allus 
 doa; an', as ah saaid afore, ah donna sea t' use o' mon an' 
 woife quaarrelin' at a', fer they're bund t' mak' freends 
 agin. 
 
 Weel, we had soom tay, an' brid an' bootter, an' 
 cauld meeat, an' thin we mad' fer Toon Haall. At 
 Bonnybeck, we've a pratty pictur' o' it i' coolers ; it wur 
 gien awaay wi' soom 'loostraated noosepaaper i' Lunnon. 
 Ah beleave its a leight yellar, i' t' soonshine, wi' a blew 
 skee oweryed, an' treeas an' booshes beyant. Bud t' 
 leight yellar is sootty blaack, t' blew skee is dool wi' 
 cloods o' smooak, an' t' treeas an' booshes air twea mahles 
 off. Bud that Toon Haall is raalely a foine pleeace, thof 
 thur's moock enuf on it t' tak' a' t' chimley sweeaps o' 
 Leeads a weeak t' cleean it. Fer a' that its a graaiul 
 bildin', an' rnun ha' coast a mint o' braass. We moontecl 
 oop soom braaid, lang steeps, twinty or mair, ah think, 
 wi' greeat lions at eeach iud, an' wint oonder t' pillers, 
 ivvir soa heigh aboou yoor yed, intul t' haall. An' ah 
 con teel a' mah Yarkshur freends its weel woorth seaiu'
 
 85 
 
 is that saame insoide, iv they tak' soorn trooble an' a bit 
 o' a joorney t' coom. A' t' seealin' is gowd an' coolers, 
 an' marbel pillers, wi' aarches o' breight shiney stoof, 
 an' glaass cannelsticks aboon fer leights They've 
 gat immaages o' Baains an' Rob Haall insoide ; they've 
 better off thon Queean an' Prince Albert, whoase boosts 
 .air poot i' t' paassage, or vestibool, as ah yeard a 
 daandy soart o' chaap naame it ; an' agin, Queean an' 
 Prince air better off than pooir aud Dook o' Wellington : 
 he's oot i' t' froont o' Toon Haall, wi' his yed baare, an' 
 haat i' his hond, an' blaack as a nigger wi' t' smooak. 
 Ah'd t' haart t' saay, " Poot thee haat on, an' thee aarm 
 doon, Dook ; thou mon bea stiff, an' welly staarved oot." 
 Thur's seeats an' cheers by thahsands, an' a monstur o' a 
 oargan, wud mak' twinty o' oor Bonnybeck kirk oargans 
 reight oot, ah knaw. 
 
 Weel, Deeame, an' Meary, an' ah saat doon wi' 
 hoondreds o' ithirs, t' heer Docter Spaark an' Tommy 
 Dodd plaay : thof why a docter shud plaay t' oargan, 
 ah donna knaw ; iv he fissicks an' leuks arter men's 
 oargans as weel as he plaays on that oargan, he mun 
 cure a vaast. Tommy Dodd is soa weel loiked i' Leeads, 
 t' bairns ha' gatten a saang aboot him : 
 
 " Yeds or taales, he's seer t' win, 
 Tommy Dodd, Tommy Dodd!" 
 
 They did plaay butifool, an' t' foaks claapped thur honds, 
 an' ah claapped mah honds, an' knokked wi' mah big 
 stik, tull a mon sittin' neear saays, " Donna knok a 
 whole i' t' fleer, mah freend," an' ah coollered oop, an' 
 stoapped. Nixt a yoong leedy cam' forard, an' we a' 
 cheeared agin, an' she saang loike a noightingaale 
 
 Oh ! mah haart is a free an' a fetterless thing ; 
 A waaive o' t' oshun, a burd o' t' wing, 
 A riderless steead o' t' desart plaane boondin', 
 A peeal o' t' stoorm o'er t' vaalley resoondin'. 
 
 Hoo we a' clapped an' shaated tull we mad' her coom 
 an' show her pratty faace agin ! Thin a mon saang 
 anithir peeace aboot "Ithir lips an' ithir haarts," an 
 "taals o' luv," an a lot mair loike that ; an' it seeamed t'
 
 86 
 
 pleease a' t' yoong foak 'maazingly, bud ah loiked better 
 anither peeace by t' saame mon. It wur : 
 
 " Vartue, mah sowl shall still embraace, 
 
 Gooidness shall raak' ma greeat ; 
 Who beilds oopon this steeady baase 
 Feears no evint o' faate." 
 
 Ah loike that ! that soonds noable ! an' whin ah lift 
 Toon Hall, ah felt better fer heearin' that mussick an' 
 thini saangs, ah did. 
 
 Ah thinks t' peuple o' Leeads air doin' reight : thur 
 foine Toon Haall cudna be better mad' use ov, an' ah 
 whoape they'll goa on, an' gie t' Leeads warkin' foaks an' 
 ithirs iwiry chaance o' leeavin' drink, an' spindin' thur 
 toime i' sike pleeaces. Foot Toon Haall Consorts agin 
 Pooblic Hoose Consorts, wi' thur durt, an' nooise, an' 
 beeastliness, an' mah ward ah knaw which wull conker i' 
 t' lang roon. In t' wards o' t' bairns saang, ah saay, 
 " Soocces t' Tommy Dodd (an' Docter Spaark too) ; he's 
 seer t' win t' daay !" An' soa "guid bye" t' smooaky 
 Leeads tull ah wreet anither buk !
 
 YARK STATTIS. 
 
 At t' baack hid o' t' yeear, mah liind gat wid an' lift 
 ma ; soa ah wint t' Yark Stattis, or Hirein', t' git anithir 
 loikely yoong chaap. It wur a daark, daamp Novembur 
 daay, wi' t' raain poorin' doon, an' t' paavemint as 
 slippury as iv yoh'd beean poottin' punds o' greease a' 
 alang t' stanes moock an' pooddles laayin' traaps fer 
 yoor fit iwiry seccund steap, an' altegithir a maist 
 ooncoomfertaable staate o' things fer onnywun, evin Avi' t' 
 beast o' cleas, a guid oombrellar, an' munny i' t' pokket. 
 Faancy what it mun ha' beean wi' pooir laasses, 
 straangers, an' wi' leight dreasses on, soaked i' t' wet, 
 staandin' on t' cowld stanes, hoor arter hoor, waaitin' fer 
 thur " God's penney !" Ah think monny a laass gits her 
 deeath at t' Stattis, ah doa ; its a' ower oor coonty, bud 
 its a baad coostom. An' iv pooir laass gits tired o' t' 
 streeats, an' t' impoodent leuks an' queshuns o' monny 
 who aught t' knaw beatter aud men air offen t' warst, 
 wi' t' guid leiikin' wuns, an' pester 'em enuf iv she gits 
 tired, whur mun she goa ? Why, to t' pooblic-hoose taap 
 raahm, an' draam shoap. Thur's nae ithir shealter ; an' 
 thur's plinty o' laads an' men t' ax her in t' ha' a drew ; 
 an' thin cooms t' daance, an' evinin' appoointmints agin ; 
 an' onnywun o' sinse con sea t' ind o' it. Ah wud aask, 
 what wud feythurs an' mithers ov t' beatterin' or middel 
 claass saay t' lettin' thur neeat, pratty, innercent darters 
 staand oot i' t' pooblic streeats ridin' t' staanes they 
 caw it fer yoong an' gray-yedded sinners t' pick oot fer 
 thur leuks, as is offen dun ; toornin' 'em roond an' roond, 
 t' sea iv they're braid shooldered, loike slaaves i' 
 Ameriky used t' be sarved ? Hoo wud they loike fer 
 thur lasses o' saxteen an' sivinteen t' be floong amang a'
 
 88 
 
 soarts o' chaarackturs, wi' timptaashuns a' aroond 'em, 
 an' t' pooir, simpel, giddy things loike moaths neear t' 
 flaame o' a cannel gangin' roond an' roond, an' at laast 
 fleein' intul daanger an' destroockslmn '?* Ah aask mithers 
 an' feythers, iv they cudna an' wudna let thur oan fleash 
 an' blooid goa t' sike pleeaces, hoo con they staand by 
 an' sea hoondreds o' pooir foaks' baairns rooined ivviry 
 yeear, boady an' sowl, at thease hireins, an' not tree t' 
 aalter t' whoale wreached sistem ? Yark, 'specially, is 
 fool o' clargy, an' gintry, an' weealthy foaks o' traade ; 
 why canna they sit an exaample, an' gie t' yoong an' 
 simpel-moinded soom proteckshun fra t' weeather, an' 
 timptation ? Ah think it is wun o' t' greeatest blessin's 
 o' t' yearth, fer innercent yoong laasses t' graw intul 
 vartuous wimmin an' luvin' woives. Saave an' eddicate 
 t' yoong, an' yoh'll refoorm t' warld ! Ah'v saaid too 
 mitch fer soom foaks, who'll stick, throf thick an' thin, 
 t' and coostoms, ah daare saay ; bud ah canna sea oor 
 yoong Yarkshur laasses, wi' thur natty haats an' bonnets, 
 an' petticoats toocked oop, trippin' it to t' Stattis, wi' thur 
 heealthy, roasy faaces, an' t' soonlight o' joy beeamin' in 
 thur een guid timper coomin' fra guid blooid wi'oot 
 feealin' fer t' delicaate, bonny critturs, an' treein' t' mak' 
 t' pooblic feel too. Ah whoape they wull; an' poot 
 wraang reight. Nae doobt thur's plinty o' roof 
 coostomers, maale an' female too, who loike t' foon, an' 
 noise, an' drinkin', an' goins on at the Hireins. Yoh 
 con sea thease soart o' laads an' laasses a' roond. 
 They're indepindint enuf i' a' conshunce, an' bide 
 naewhur lang ; soom chaange measters ivviry yeear, tull 
 maist air glaad t' git shut on 'em at onny preece. 
 " Hoigh, Bess !" saays wun o' thease bowld'uns, oot lood 
 acrass t' streeat, " hoigh, laass, hoo beest thoo ? hoo solid 
 thoo leukest ! thou'rt a reight straanger ! gotten hired 
 yit ?" " Noa," shaats ither baack agin, "ah'm not 
 guid-leukin' enuf, loike thee, Maggie;" an' thur's a laf 
 
 * Men, almost universally, hire their female servants. A farmer's 
 wife, by chance, engaged a girl at York ; the farmer, when he saw 
 her, would not let her return with them. " She was too ugly," he 
 said !
 
 89 
 
 &' fjoond. " Holloa, Dick !" crees anitlier, "hoo doo ? is 
 that thee ?" " Yea, Susey, its a' 'at's lift omma," saays 
 Dick ; " hasta taen fist munny yet ?" " Noa," saays she, 
 " ah'v haad wun or twea aud gawvisons poottin' t' ward 
 tiv mea, an' axin' iv ah con milk, an' fother, an' beeak ; 
 bud ah waant a yoong measter, an' not an aud wun, an' 
 noa misstress ower ma." " That's yoor gaame," saays 
 Dick, " yoh waant t' wid a rich nion ; bud moind, ' thur's 
 monny a slip 'tweean t' coop an' t' lip !' " "Git oot wi' 
 yoh ; doant bea soa fond, yoh lang-eeared fussiker," 
 crees laass ;" an' a laf gaes roond agin. Ah loike t' sea oor 
 coontry chaps coomin' i' t' toon, joakin', an' twirllin' thur 
 steecks aboot. They're foine straapin' fellars, firm on 
 thur fit, braid i' t' shoolders, straait i' t' aarm, wi' guid 
 woind, an' straang narves, an' haard as noots, an' tooff as 
 pin woire. Jist t' soart o' chaaps yon recrooatin' sarjunt, 
 wi' t' gaay ribbuns, wud loike t' git hod ov, t' mak' 
 sodgers ov, t' caarry oor English Union Jaack a' ower t' 
 waarld ; an' ah wish Englaand haad mair o' sike men ; 
 oor breeid is saadly faallin' off i' t' laarge toons mair's t' 
 pitty. Thease coontry chaps coom t' Stattis t' kick oop a 
 bit ov foon ; an' it tak's varry lahtle t' pleease foaks who'v 
 liv'd, mabbe, t' yeear roond i' t' solitood o' t' moors or 
 wolds an' it is solitood thur, ah con tell yoh ! Bud ah'd 
 loike t' seea ah's allus groomblin', as aud Deeame saays ; 
 bud ah saays, "groomble an' git on" ah'd loike to seea 
 at oor faairs, an' feeasts, an' hirein's soomthin' doon t' 
 instrooct t' peuple, an' ammuse 'em in an innercent soart 
 o' waay. Why shud a'maist a' t' spoarts o' t' peuple be 
 lift i' t' Divil's honds ? an' a' soarts o' roages, scheemers, 
 an' ootcaasts, an' vagabones, ha' iwiry pooblic merry 
 makkin' as a pleeace fer preyin' on, an' cheeatin' an' de- 
 graadin' t' yoong; t' aud con tak' caare o' thursens. 
 Mony honnist foaks git a livin' at sike pleeaces, ah knaw ; 
 bud they're saadly ootnoombered by t' blaackligs an.' 
 cheeats : this waants mendin'. T' greeat squaare caw'd 
 t' Paavement, an' mony ithir pleeaces i' Yark, wur coovered 
 wi' shows, an' booaths, an' spice staalls, wi' ivvirythin' 
 timptin' to t' ee an' t' taaste. Thur wur plinty ov 
 chaffin' gaein' on atween toon an' coontry foaks. A
 
 90 
 
 jockkey soart o' a chap gits hod ov a big coontrymon, an' 
 crees oot, " Tree yoor stringth, mah mon, afoor yoor 
 heered ; tree hoo fur yoh con sind mah buffer in : fermer'll 
 raaise yoor waages whin he knaws t' poor ov yoor airm." 
 " Git oot," saays big coontrymon, flingin' jockkey chap o' 
 wun soide ; " iv yoh poot yoor jaaw intul ma, ah'll poot 
 mah fist intul yoh." " Goa on," saays jokkey chap, " goa 
 on, yoh yokel ; ah wudna heer yoh fer naethin' a weeak an' 
 yoor groob ; yoh doa mair wark wi' yoor teeath thon yoor 
 honds, ah'll be bund !" An' soa t' foon gaes on. 
 
 Thur's a graand Mennadgaree cooms aboot " t r 
 eddicaate t' peuple i' Natteral Hist'ry," t' bills saay. 
 They've a paintin' ootsoide ov a porkkupine as big as a 
 lion, shooatin' greeat quills loike Eobin Hood's yaard 
 shafts at twea Bengaal Tigars who air staandin' on thur 
 heend ligs, fool o' quills, an' fear an' trimellin' ! A gintle- 
 mon did laf at this waay ov " eddicaatin' t' peuple !" 
 Saays he tiv woild beeast mon, " Ah'd gie fahve punds t' 
 sea t' porkkupine as did that ; ha' yoh him insoide ?" 
 "Noa, Sir," saays mon, "he deed ov ower exershun; 
 we did a' we cud t' saave him : gav him coords an' whaay 
 neight an' moornin', an' a feeathur bed to sleeap on, bud 
 he nivvir gat ower t' exershun o' shootin' thim tigars !" 
 " Ah sud think not !" saaid gintlemon. Mon he wur a 
 hairy, oogly chap, he wur tould oos, an' it wur on bills, 
 hoo they'd cout twea monstur blue-faaced Gorillers by 
 leeavin' jaars o' hooney an' oppioom i' t' wooads, an' 
 taakin' t' brootes naappin', an' pootin' straait waaistcoats 
 on 'em. He saaid alsoa, we cud sea " Steeaple chaasin' 
 ower hoordles by elephaants ; boilin' scorpiuns ; an' a 
 collony o' chacmas, wi' yoong uns soocklin', who'd fit a 
 terribool feight wi' t' crew ov a steeamer." " That's 
 teeachin' Natteral Hist'ry wi' a vengaance !" saaid gintle- 
 mon; an' whin mennadgeree mon poointed oot an 
 aape, a gooid deeal loike hissel, gintlemon saaid : 
 
 "Wun tootch o' Natter mak's t' hoale warld kin," 
 an' wint off laffin'. "Why shud men who mud teeaeh 
 pooir foak summat, tree t' hoomboog t' pooblic i' this 
 waay ? " Speeak t' trooth an' shaame t' divil !" ah saay. 
 As ah wint throf t' shows an' booaths, ah wur sit oopon
 
 91 
 
 by a noomber o' fellars, " Tree thy poor o' loongs !" saays 
 wun, shaatin' loike a troompit. " Thur's noa neeead t' 
 tree t 1 poor o' yoor loongs," saays ah ; " they're a' reight !" 
 " Tak' yoor fottygraf, Sir," crees anither, " fer yoor sweeat- 
 haart ; truer an' better thon natter, saxpence, fraame 
 glaass an' a' coompleeat, Sir!" " Ah'll be contint \vi' 
 natter," saays ah. " Tree yoor weaght !" shaats a thurd. 
 "Noa! noa! donna let him," bawls oot a showtnon 
 neear ; L< he'll tak' a' yoor weaghts an' breeak yoor masshine 
 doon !" an' thin a lot o' gawvisons roond laffed loike guid 
 uns ! Thin a quaack soart o' a fellar caw'd alood, " This 
 waay ! this waay ! t' greeat woonder o' t' yeearth 
 Medikal Galvanhisum !" " Ha' a shoack, Sir?" saays he t' 
 ma. " Noa," saays ah, " ah'm shoacked enuf t' seea foaks 
 paayin' thur haard yearned braass t' quaacks an' moonte- 
 baanks ;" an' ah paassed on, an' did not tree what &too 
 he'd gotten i' his glaass bottles, an' braass coops. 
 
 Ah noo leuked at t' shows. Thur wur a Big Pig 
 " Moost be seean t' be beleeved !" it saaid ootsoide ; ah 
 paaid a penny t' seea that, an it wur a big 'un ! bud not 
 hooalsoom, as thim ower faat things seldoom air. Nixt 
 tiv Pig wur a Greeat Blue Affrikin Booar Hoond t' pictur' 
 mad' it as big as a hoarse wi' twea men on its baack. 
 Nixt wur a Sheeap wi' sax ligs arU twea yeds ; ah paaid a 
 penney t' seea that sheeap ! it's a natteral cooriosity. 
 Thin coomed a show wi' t' Smaallest Mon t" the Warld, wi 1 
 three ligs, foor fit, an' twinty toes: thin a Skiliton Wummon; 
 an' nixt a Rid Injian jire-eeatiri 1 King fra f Bermurder- 
 Eelaands. Ah yeeard a saaylor soart o' chap saay tiv his 
 freend, "Ah'm blow'd, Jaack, thur's a tak' in! ah'vbeean 
 tiv Bermurder ! an' thur's noa mair rid Injians or kings 
 thur, thon thur's oaraange an' cokka noot treeas growin' 
 on t' Yark Knaavesmeer !" Waax Wark wur i' t' nixt 
 show ; moorderers, heighwaaymen, ginerals, an' ithir 
 noated foaks wi' craacks acrass thur faaces, an' noases a 
 bit flaat fra traavellin' soa mitch, ah sooppoase. Thur 
 wur a moddel o' t' Seeameese Twins, too ; ah'd a smooth- 
 ered 'em, ah wud ! sike monsturs air beast oot o' t' warld 
 fer thur awn saake, an' t' saake ov ithirs ! Ah noo cam' 
 oopon a crood roond a hawf droonken mon an' wummon,
 
 92 
 
 singin' saangs ah wudna loike rnah Meary t' heeare ; an* 
 thur wur plinty ov galls, a'maist bairns, takkin' in ivviry 
 loo, vile ward an' sintiment. 
 
 Cloas by wur beggin' saaylors an' colyers saaylors wi' 
 a paaintin' o' a ship i' flaames ; a colyer leein' doon i' t' 
 rooad, an' pikkin' awaay at nout, chaantin' a koind o' ditti 
 a' t' toime. Ah'd loike t' knaw hoo ruony caadgin' saaylors 
 an' colyers ivvir saw a waa^ 7 e o' t' oshun, or a cooal pit 
 bottom ? Roond t' coorner, ah cam oopon a lot o' niggar 
 chaps, an' varry dree an' dowley ah thout 'em, an' soom- 
 toimes not ower deacent. Ah think thim blaack fellars air 
 a'rnaist plaayed oot ; they had better goa whoame an' sit 
 thur wool t' wark, hoo t' grow cottun fer oor mills. T' 
 nixt soight pleeased ma better ; it showed stringth an' 
 actively, an' thur wur noa tom-feeollery aboot it. A 
 woiry yoong chap gat a mon i' t' crood he axed onny- 
 wun t' tee him roond an' roond, haands an" fit, wi' 
 eaghteen yaards o' roape, an' mak' a' faast wi' big knoats, 
 Thin he saaid, iv they'd throw a "bob," as he caw'd a 
 shillin', i' t' ring; he'd loose hissen i' tin minnits. 
 An he did it varry nately an' clivirly. Ah gav' him 
 tuppense. 
 
 Weel, ah canna tell hawf ah saaw thot deay. Thur 
 wur roondaboots an' pooppy shows fer bairns ; Ant 
 Saally's; Shooitin' Gaalleries, " Paatroonized by His 
 Koyaal Heeniss t' Prince o' Whaales ;" an' a' soarts o' 
 waays o' gettin' braass oot o' foaks poackets. Wun 
 chaap haad a lot o' Shewild waasters* doog intul an aud 
 box oopsoide doon ; an' yoh cud tree t' throaw three 
 rings ower 'em fer a penney. Iv wun wint ower, it wur 
 yoorn. Ah, an' a noomber o' ithir feeols, treed oor loock, 
 an' a' missed. Ah seed thot chaap tak' twinty pense, an' 
 not loase a singel knoife, i' a quaarter o' an hoor. Ah 
 think sike a traade, an' beggin' beeats maist, as t' saang 
 aays : 
 
 " 0' a' t' traades thot's gaein', 
 
 Seer beggin' is t' beast ; 
 
 Fer whin a mon is toired, 
 
 He con sit him doon an' reast." 
 
 * Cheap common knives.
 
 93 
 
 As ah wur leeavin', ah saaw a durty, shaabby soart o' a 
 booath, wi' paatches, an' moock a' ower it. A loo, 
 coonnin', leearin', Lunnon chaap wur ootsoide on a steul, 
 speeakin' t' crood. "Ah saay agin," creed he, "this 
 soight is not t' bea maatch'd i' t' Univarse. T' 
 nondisscript ! gintlemen, t' nondisscript ! gintlemen, beeats 
 iwirythin' yoh iwir saaw i' yoor loives; an' ah saay 
 agin, noa femaales admited ; ah wudna lit gaalls or 
 wimmin i' fer tin pund ! Doant loase this chaance o' 
 seein' this maarvel o' creashun ! waalk in, waalk in, 
 gintlemen, oanly tuppense." Thur wur a roosh o' men 
 an' laads ; an', loike a sheeap i' a flock, wun feeol 
 mak's monny, ah wint i' too. Whin we cam' oot, 
 Lunnon fellar shaated, " Weel, gintlemen, what doa yoh 
 think o' t' ' raraw homo in terrer,' as ah caw him ? air yoh 
 saatisfied ?" They wur a meean-leukin' lot, an' maist 
 saaid "Yea," an' sneeak'd off. Mon toorned t' ma, an' 
 saaid, "Air yoh saatisfied, sir?" "Yea," saays ah, 
 " ah'rn saatisfied." "Gintlemen, leuk heare," creed t' 
 Lunnon chaap, " heare' s a respectaable Yarkshur fermer 
 beean an' seean mah exhibishun, an' he's saatisfied !" 
 "Yea, ah'm saatisfied," saays ah, oot varry lood " quoite 
 saatisfied that yoh're a hoomloog, an' yoor show too, an' t' 
 pollis aught t' poot yoh doon ;" an' ah wint off, crood 
 lafnn', an' mon sweearin' an' coorsin' loike a baad'un, as 
 he wur, arter ma. 
 
 Ah noo wint amang hierin' lads an' lasses They'd 
 thinned varry mitch, an' t' pooblics wur fool o' a' soarts. 
 Ah cud sea decoy burds i' gaay cleas, wi foine haats, an' 
 ribbons, an' feeathers, t' catch t' simpel dooves o' coontry 
 laasses, an' leead 'em i' t' wraang paath ; mairs t' pity ! 
 Ah paaid God's-penney t' a' loikely yoong chap fra 
 Pickerin' ; an' thin ah wint t' sea aboot Yark a bit, as 
 ah'd nivvir beein thur afore, an' ah'd yeard a greeat deeal 
 aboot t' Minstur an' ithir raare soights. 
 
 Yark is a foine citty, wi' choorches i' ivviry streeat 
 a'maist, an' waalls roond, an' waalks insoide ; bud yoh 
 mun tak' caare i' wet weeathur, or froast, or mebbe yoh'll 
 slip doon intul toon, fer thur's nae raal, an' a mon o' mah 
 soize con eeasily tip ower, makkin' waay an' giein' waall 
 tiv leedees, as ah allus doa. On foor diff'rent soides o'
 
 94 
 
 Tark thur's greeat yats wi' toors ower 'em, jist loike it 
 wur i' t' aud toimes o' t' anslmnt Brittaains, whin boos 
 an' aarroos wur t' faashun. T' toors ha' breight 
 spaarklin' cooats o' aarms i' t' froont, an' doa reeally leuk 
 graand an' noable. T' Rivvir Oose flooes throf Yark, 
 an' thur's twea brigs ower it. By t' iron pratty wun 
 thur's t' rooins o' an aud Eooman Caastle an' Abbey, an' 
 a Museeum. Ah didna goa i' this wun ; ah'd seean enuf 
 o' aud staanes an' stooffed things a' Leeads, an' this 
 pleeace wur a shillin' t' goa in. Ah think thot's a pitty : 
 fer pooir foak canna gie soa mitch, an' theaase Museeums 
 aught t' bea mad' wun meeans o' eddicaatin' t' peuple. 
 Its varry selfish keeapin' 'em fer t' rich, who neead 'em 
 leeast. Ah saay, mak' 'em a' free, an' librayreys too, an' 
 yoh'll saave mony foaks fra spendin' thur toime i' taap 
 raahms. That's t' beast waay. " 'Tice 'em, 'tice 'em," 
 loike ah 'tice mah kye whoame at neights wi' a feead o' 
 waarm graains, or new haay, or cloaver. Shaatin' an' 
 drivin' isna hawf soa pooerfool as loorin' an' 'ticein'. 
 7 Tice V peuple, ah saay, wi' Toon Haall Consorts, an' Free 
 Librayreys, an' Museeums, an' cheeap usefool exhi- 
 bishuns, an', loike mah coos, they'll coom arter a toime, 
 natterally, tiv 
 
 " T' feeast o' reeason, an' t' floo o' sowl," 
 
 as lecktoorer saaid at oor Penney Eeeadin's. Paassin' 
 Museeum, oop alang Bleeak Streeat, ah cam' i' soight o' 
 t' greeat gloary o' Yark an' ah maay saay t' greeat 
 gloary o' a' Englaand t' aud graay 
 
 MINSTUE. 
 
 Ah wint insoide at a deer oonder t' big toors. Bless 
 mah haart an' sowl ! ah niwir seed sike a soight i' a' mah 
 loife, or i' a' mah dreeams ! It wur a whoale toon mad' 
 intul a kirk ! winders as laarge as a hoose soide, an' fool 
 o' daainty glaass o' a' coollers, showin' aangils, an' 
 saaints, an' pattryarks, an' apostils, an' Christ himsel, o' a' 
 soides, i' mony shaapes, an' mony luvly groops an' 
 cloosters hoondreds o' big pillers a' aroond, gangin' oop 
 an' oop, heigher an' heigher, an' smaaller an' srnaaller, 
 tull they wur a'maist loast t' soight aboon yer yed ; an'
 
 95 
 
 ivvirythin' o' a peeace splindid, an' vaast, an' butifool ; 
 naethin' meean, or low, or warldloike ! Ah heerd a leedy 
 saay ootsoide, 
 
 " A thing o' buty is a joy fer iwir !" 
 
 Noo, ah cudna think o' sike wards, or mak' sike wards, bud 
 ah felt 'em troo j an' whin ah heerd 'em, they didna seeam 
 straange t' ma, they spoake mah feealins soa weel ! An 
 thin, whin t' graand oargan peealed oot loike a thoonder 
 stoorm amang t' Eibbledaale moontaains, an' araay o'laate 
 soonshoine sint blu, an' greean, an' oraange, an' krimson 
 leight a' alang mah paathwaay bless mah haart an' 
 sowl ! as ah waalked oop an' doon t' noable hoiles, ah filt 
 twinty fit neearer hivin ! an' mah kneeas seeamed draawn 
 doon loike, an' a' warldly thouts poot oot ov mah moind, 
 an' ah kneealt an' praayed tiv t' Almighty who brout 
 this " Joy fer iwir" oot o' t' puny braain o' a mortaal 
 mon! 
 
 Ah' 11 niwir fergit Yark Minstur. They saay nae wun 
 knaws who mad' oor greeat Catheedrals. They luv'd thur 
 waark ; they did thur waark ; they left thur waark t' 
 speeak t' thahsands oopon thahsands, aage arter aage, 
 an' deed wi'oot a sign or effort t' mak' a neame. We 
 neead sike men, ah think, i' oor deays. Self-deeneein', 
 self-fergittin', treein' t' healp monkoind, an' leead 'em t' 
 puir an' hoaly thouts, an' caareless iv onny wun bud 
 God Almighty knaws thur guid deeads an' guid 
 intenshuns. Ah praay t' ha' sike men i' t' waarld agin, 
 ah doa ! Ah'll niwir i' mah loife fergit Yark Minstur ! 
 T' hoor or twea ah spint thur has mad' ma a better mon ; 
 at leeast ah whoape soa ! Iv men con mak' sike hivinly 
 pleeaces on t' yearth, whaat mun t' aangels mak' i' 
 Hivin ?
 
 MAH FEIGHT WI' T' GEEEAT BOBEAL 
 
 Mah laandloord is Squeer Spennithorpe, an' a raal guid 
 feller he be. Alt feeal quoite saafe wi' him, thof I shud 
 loike a bit o' a leease i' caase o' accidints. Squeer wun 
 deay saays, " Goorkrodger, ah con poot a thing i' yer 
 waay, ah think. Sum o' mah tinnents ha' coom t' ax ma 
 t' git 'em seeads fer turmets an' Spring sowin' o' wheeat 
 an' ithir things ; an' iv yoh git 'em, an' sooply 'em, yoh 
 wull mak' a few punds profit fer yer trooble," saays he. 
 "Thankee, Sir," saays ah; "bud whur mun ah git 'em 
 t' mak' a profit ?" " Fra Maark Lone, Lunnun," saays 
 Squeer; "that's t' addriss; git saamples o' a' soarts, an' 
 show 'em aboot, an' it'll paay yoh." 
 
 Weel, ah got Meary t' wreet fer ma, an' gat a letter 
 baack sayin' saamples had beean sint off by Greeat 
 Boreal Raailwaay t' Bonnybeck Stashun. Ah tould 
 neeboors Eoundhay, Burley, Scarcroft, Sheeapshaanks, 
 an' ithirs aboot, that ah'd ha' mah saamples i' a deay or 
 twea ; an' they a' saaid they wad be glaad t' sea 'em, an' 
 wad buy o' ma. 
 
 Weel, ah wur leukin' oot fer mah saamples iwiry hoor 
 o' t' deay, an' weeary wark it be waaitin' an' waaitin' fer 
 onnythin' yoor anxshus aboot. Hawf t' misery o' t' warld 
 cooms fra waitin', an' expectin', an' bein' disaappointed ! 
 Wun deay paased, twea deays paassed, an' noa saamples. 
 Its a lang weay tit Staashun, bud ah waalked it mony 
 toimes axin' aboot mah paircel. Staashun Measter saaid 
 he'd yeard naught aboot it ; ah'd better wreet t' 
 Lunnun. Weel, Meary writ, an' we gat a letter 
 baack, noomber A 326, 481. Meary saays that mun be 
 mair nor a quarter ov a million, an' ah saays, " What
 
 97 
 
 heeaps o' lost paircels they mun ha' at Greeat Boreal ! 
 they mun be wreetin' an' wreetin' aboot 'em deay an' 
 neight !" Letter saaid as paircel wur sint off fra 
 Lunnun i' guid toime, an' they'd mak inqueeries' aboot it. 
 Ah cudna mak' oot t' neame at botham o' letter ; Deeame 
 cudna, Meary cudna, Pairson cudna, Cleerk cudna ! Ah 
 doa wish foak wud wreet plaain ! Lunnun foak i' offises tak' 
 preed, ah beleave they doa, i' makkin' a' soarts o' heero- 
 gliffiks (as pairson saays), oot o' thur neames, as iv they wur 
 'shamed ov 'em loike ! At laast skeulmeaster leuks at 
 letter, an' mak's neame oot t' be Famus CocJcshot. " Weel," 
 saays ah, "iv he's ' a famus cockshot,' ah wish he'd sind 
 mah paircel straait tit mairk ! bud ah think they mun be 
 makkin' gaame o' ma wi' sike ootlaandish neames." 
 Weeak arter weeak passed, an' noa paircel ! Neeboors 
 saays they're varry sorry, bud they canna waait ; an' wun 
 arter anither gat thur seeads fer thursens at ither 
 pleeaces. 
 
 Ah tvur mad ! an' ah gat Meary t' wreet saavage loike 
 t' Greeat Boreal an' Famus Cockshot, Esqueer. Ah gat 
 an answer, promisin' " t'mak' mair inqueeries ;" an' wud 
 yoh beleeave it ? arter sivin weeaks ah gat mah paircel, 
 an' it wur thin o' noa use o' ony koind t' ma. T' thick- 
 yedded gawvisons at t' Greeat Boreal had beein an' sint 
 mah paircel to 
 
 " MISTER TIMOTHY, 
 
 ' ' GOORKROD(JER RAILWAAY STASHUN," 
 
 an' nivir tuk t' trooble to reead " BONNYBECK " at a'. It 
 had beein kipt at " GOOEKEODGEK " Kailwaay Stashun, an' 
 nivvir leuked at a' thim sivin weeaks t' bloind boozzards I 
 Ah lost punds an' punds. Ah'd beein traampin' baack- 
 ards an' forrads tit Eailwaay Stashun, an' t' neeboors 
 makkin' excuses ; ah'd beein woorried, an' floostered, an' 
 poot aboot varry mitch ivvery waay, an' ah wroate tiv 
 Famus Cockshot, Esqueer, axin' fer foive punds t' coover 
 mah daamaage an' loss. Ah gat a letter baack, saayin' 
 mah paircel wur wrangly direckted, an' Coompanny wur nae 
 responsible ; bud as ah'd beein poot oot, they sint ma 
 hawf-a-croon i' poastaage staamps (" wi'oot prejew- 
 dice) whativvir that may meean ! which they thout 
 
 a
 
 98 
 
 plinty. T' sliaabby chaps ! Ah did goa on a bit, ah did ! 
 an' ah thout onst o' gittin' Lawyur t' wreet tiv 'em, bud 
 neeboors saaid it wur nae use. Its ither peuple's munny 
 they've gat t' deeal wi', an' they donna caare aboot Law 
 a bootten ; a' t' expinse fa's oopon widders an' ither pooir 
 foaks who've gotten shaares. Mah paircel had on it 
 
 " MISTER TIMOTHY GOORKRODGER, 
 
 "KAILWAAY STASHUN, 
 " Tull caw'dfer." " BONNYBECK. 
 
 an' it wur wroate plaain enuf fer onny donnot t' mak' 
 oot ; ah wish railwaay foak wud wreet as plaain. 
 
 Weel, moonth arter moonth wint on, an' noa ind o' 
 letters on boath soides, whin Famus Cockshot, Esqueer, 
 sint waard he wur coomin' t' cheef Greeat Boreal 
 Stashun i' mah neeboorhood, an' ah cud meeat him, an' 
 taalk aboot mah paircel, onny toime fra 9 tull 12. Ah'd 
 bizziness a' whoame, an' ah'd trooble enuf t' git off, bud 
 ah did mannidge it, an' wint. Ah mad' seer ah'd h' mah 
 caase seein' to, an' faairly settled. By t' soide o' t' 
 Greeat Boreal Stashun thur's a monstur hottel, neearly 
 as big as the Graand wun at Scarbro' ; an' ah'd t' goa 
 thur t' sea Famus Cockshot, Esqueer. Mah ee ! what a 
 pleeace it is insoide ! graand staircaases, wi' flooffy 
 caarpits, fra top tit botham, noable raahms wi' 
 furnitoore fit fer a pallis lofty, wide, an' cleean, an' 
 fool o' leight an' splindoor ; bootlers an' footmen waaitin' 
 ivviry nod an' beck o' t' Greeat Boreal Pottintaates ; 
 smells o' a' t' guid things o' t' yearth coomin' oop fra 
 beloo ; an' wine i' daainty bottles taen intul Direckturs, 
 offen enuf t' mak' a teetooatul shaareholder gae raavin' 
 maad ! Thur wur a Booard Meetin' t' deay ah wint. 
 Famus Cockshot wurna to be seean. Floonkeys o' 
 hottel fleered at ma, behoind mah baack, an' tuk ma 
 oop an' doon staairs t' foind him ; an' thin waard wur 
 sint he wur a' stashun. Ah wint thur ; an' bed t' waait 
 agin fer t' greeat mon. Ah wint intul seccund claass 
 waaitin' raahm : an' oh ! t' differunce atween hoo t' 
 pooblic, an' t' sarvents o' t 1 pooblic, (fer whot air 
 Direckturs, big as they bea, bud sarvents o' t' pooblic who
 
 99 
 
 paays 'em ?) air lodged an' proveeded fer ! That waaitin' 
 raahm is a raal blaack whoale ; it wur mid-deay, an' ah 
 cud baarely sea who wur sittin' on t' haard lang bincbes, 
 it wur that daark an' dowly, an' t' fleer thick wi' laashins 
 o' moock an' seccund claass leedies air sarved noa 
 bettur they ha' a miseraable lahtle raahm wi' noa 
 caarpit, bud an' aud maat, an' soom brokken-doon, 
 haard wood cheers, an' t' fleer here tu wur as blaack as 
 ink. Oh t' contraast atween t' hottel an' t' stashun it 
 wur loike gaein' oot o' a pallis intul a cooal pit. T' 
 pooir feeols o' seccund an' thurd claass find maist a' t' 
 braass t' kip oop t' graandeur o' t' Booard, an', fussikers as 
 they air, poot oop wi' onny dirty, meean 'comniodashun 
 fer thursens. That's wrang t' f pleace o 1 reight ! an' ah 
 whoape, sum deay, seccund an' thurd claass wull demand 
 t' be treeated better nor pigs an' coos. 
 
 Weel, Famus Cockshot, Esqueer, wur soa engaaged 
 ah cudna sea him, mair thon iv he'd beein Proime Minis- 
 teer as ah tould him arter. Porturs seed ah'd bizziness 
 wi' t' greeat mon, an' it wur raare foon t' sea hoo civhill 
 they wur a' at onst. Ah hadna t' caw three toimes, as i' 
 aud deays ; they cam' twea tegither at a roon, an' it wur 
 " Sir this," an' " Sir that," tiv ivviry waard ! Aa' hoo t' 
 pooir fellars seeamed scaared loike, an' cript tegither i' 
 coaruers i' cloosters, whin great Boreal Pottintaates cam' 
 oot ov Booard Eaahm, a' maarchin' oop an' doon plaat- 
 foorm, loike pooffed oop Kursmas Turkey Coacks, fool ov 
 feeid an' cwffsikense ! Ah did pity thim poorturs, bud 
 mah pity had a lahtle of contimpt ; fer God Almighty has 
 gien 'em t' foorm ov men, an' they cud obay an'" obay we 
 a' mun wi'oot showin' sike a slaavish un-English feear o' 
 thur fellar mortaals ! Bud as ah saaid afoor, it is 
 Munny ; Munny is gettin' a' worship i' Englaand, an' 
 dreevin' oot oor anshient maanhood, an' anshient 
 vartue mair or less we air a' t' bleeam fer makkin' weealth 
 t' hidol it is. That's wrang f pleeace ov reight agin ! 
 Yeds oop, Yarkshuremin, Englishmin ; noa booin' t' gowden 
 cawf or cawves \ Wun Pottintaate ah saw let 'xpriss 
 tniain goa afoor his ees whoile he wur a chattin', an' 
 thin he gies Famus Cockshot oarders t' oarder Speecial
 
 100 
 
 Traain oot, an' he gaes off loike a loord by hissen ! 
 Thin Farnus Cockshot caw'd ma intul Staashun 
 Measter's raahm, and saays he, " Weel, Mister Bonny- 
 beck, hoo aboot this paircel ?" " Mister Cockshot" (he's 
 a lanky, leeight-haaired mon o' forty, mabbe) " Mister 
 Cockshot," saays ah, "mah neame isna Bonnybeck" 
 Weel. thin, Mister Timothy .'" saaid he. " Its nae Mister 
 Timothy ather," creed ah, " an' ah think yoh ought t' 
 knaw by this toime, arter mah booshel o' letters, that 
 mah neame is Timothy Goorkrodger /" Oh, ah disreinem- 
 ber ma," saays he, " ah'v gat a' yoor letters here ;" an' he 
 tuk a boondle oot ov his pokket. " Yoh mak a claaim 
 agin t' Coompanny, bud ah con tellee yoh havena a leg 
 t' staand oopon ; yoor paircel wur wraangly an' impir- 
 fectly direckted." "Why," saays ah, "thur's t' addriss, 
 an' its plaain as a pike staaf!" an' ah red it. "Noa," 
 saays he, " that wullna doa ; oor chaaps o' clarks air nae 
 t' bleeam fer sindin' paircel t' Goorkrodger Stashun in- 
 teead o' Bonnybeck." " Not t' bleeam !" saays ah, " hoo 
 else cud it be direckted ?" " Why," saays Famus 
 Cockshot, " it shud a beein Timothy Goorkrodger, Esqueer" 
 " Ah'm uoa Esqueer," saays ah, " thof yoh may be ; ah 
 wadna be Esqueer iv ah cud; iwiry coonter joomper an' 
 deerkeeaper is an Esqueer i' thease deays !" "Or," saays 
 Cockshot, ."it mud ha' beein Mr. T. Goorkrodger, or evin 
 plaain' Timothy Goorkrodger, or Goorkrodger wi'oot t' 
 Timothy or T. at a' ; foaks mud be contint wi' wun 
 neeame, ah think !" " Them's a' poot offs an' mak' 
 shifts," saays ah, "f git oot ov t' hobble yer thick-yedded 
 clarks ha' gatten yoh intul t' bloind boozzards. Iv yoh 
 air honnest min ov conshunse, yoh'll paay ma fer mah 
 trooble an' loss." "Ah doan't leuk t' conshunse at a'," 
 saays he ; " its t' interist o' t' Coompaanny ah leuk tiv, an' 
 ah'Il oanly paay t' claaims ah canna help paay." " Eeight 
 an' wrang air naethin' tiv yoh, ah sea," saays ah ; " bud 
 ah'll niwir gie oop ; ah'll staand t' mah reight tit laast." 
 " Thin," saays Famus Cockshot, roisin' oop oot ov his 
 cheer he nivvir offered ma wun an' toornin' his sleeave 
 coof pairtly baack, " We mun feight it oot ! we mun 
 feight it oot !" " That's it, is it ?" saays ah ! " Weel,
 
 101 
 
 iv ah mun feight, ah mun ! heere gaes !" an' ah offs wi' 
 mah cooat, doobles oop mah fists, an' mak's plee wi' mah 
 honds, as iv t' gie Famus Cockshot a brod i' t' faace. 
 
 Mah ee, bud thur wur a shindy i' a moamint ! Famus 
 Cockshot gat oonder big taable, middle o' t' ofiis, paale as 
 deeath, an' trimmelin' a' ower loike an aaspin leeaf. 
 Stashun Measter gat t' greeat ledger, an' heeld it oop 
 loike a sheald; an' clark rooshed oot, creein', " Pollis ! 
 Pollis !" Thur wur a set oot i' noa toime, ah con tellee ! 
 " Coom oot o' that yer lang-caatchin' cooward, an' feight 
 loike a mon !" ah creed t' Farnus Cockshot. " Oh, Mister 
 Goorkrodger, mah deer Sur .'" squeeaked t' Greeat 
 Boreal Sooperintindint fra oonder taable, as saft as Jooly 
 bootter ; " ah didna meean that koind o' feightin' at a' ; 
 ah meeant at feight a' Law, i' t' Coorts. " Did yoh, yoh 
 teeastrill ?" saays ah, " becas ah'm a pooir mon yoh 
 think yoh con doa as yoh loike wi' ma, wi' Coompanny's 
 heeavy poorse ; to Law wi' ithir foaks' munny is eeasy 
 enuf. Bud ah've confedence t' deay'll coom an' a' shud 
 tree t' haasten it whin joostice wull bea oapen t' pooir, as 
 weel as rich ; an' iv that deay shud nivvir coom o' yearth, 
 remimber thur's anither pleace aboon whur weealthy roages 
 wull git thur desarts ; an' yoh canna saave yoorsel thur 
 by pleedin' yoh aacted wrangfoolly, an' agaainst 
 conshunce t' sarve yoor measters t' Coompanny. Git 
 oop, ah'll leeave yoh noo. Yoh an' yoor Pottintaates 
 o' Direckturs spind mair i' an hoor or twea eeatin' 
 an' drinkin', at yon hottel, than the moddest soom 
 ah ax, an' canna git ; bud sooiner or laater yoh'll git 
 joostice iv ah canna ; an' noo ah'll goa." Ah lift offis jist 
 as three pollismen an' sax porturs, wi' lang brums an' 
 poales, wur coomin' t' help Famus Cockshot ; an' t' this 
 deay ah've gat naught' fra Coompanny. Soom saay 
 "Goa t' Law, goa t' Law !" Bud ah saays, "Law is a 
 lottery that has mair blaanks thon preezes ; iv ah gaain 
 t' deay, lawyur wull taake moast ivviry penney ; an' " a 
 freash treeal " that new faangled plaan o' foindin' waark 
 fer lawyurs, an' giein' t' lang poorse iwiry chaance t' 
 shortun wull mebbe oopset mah verdict, an' leead tiv 
 nao ind o' expinse. Noa, t' Pottintaates o' t' Greeat
 
 102 
 
 Boreal air shaabby chaaps, noa doobt, i 1 mail caase, 
 bud ah'll git t' verdict o' t' Pooblic aloane an' be 
 oontint wi' it. 
 
 NOTTEB BENNY.* Ah wudna menshun mah caase, iv 
 ah didna heer o' monny foaks sarved as baad. Oanly 
 laast weeak Meary red o' a railwaay, a lang waay off, who 
 paaid wun shillin 1 intul Coort ; an' joory gav' siven 
 hoondred punds damaages ! Ah saay, shaareholders, leak 
 oot ! coot doon yer Law expinses ; an' paay yer lawyur 
 by t' yeear, an' not by t 1 caase. That's t' waay ah con 
 tell'ee wi' sike chaaps ! 
 
 * Note. Ah axed skeualmeaster whot N.B. meeant, botham o' 
 bills an' ithir things ; he saays, its Lattin, an' meeans Notter Benny, 
 or Taake Notidge ; soa ah'll be larnt fer oust, an' wreet Lattin.
 
 LAWYUR GRAABALL, AN' BLAACK DICK'S 
 TOM CAAT, 
 
 Ah donna loike Lawyur Graaball, an' Lawyur Graaball 
 doan't loike ma. Ah think soa mony lawyurs iwirywhur 
 air at t' beast bud oonnecessarry eavils ; thur air guid an' 
 honnist min amang 'em, nae doot ; bud varry neear t' all 
 lot mud emmigraate, iv we wur Christian loike tiv wun 
 anithir ; an' oor greeat min i' Lunnun wud mak' laws i' 
 plaain English, an' foonded on commuii sinse ! T' warst 
 koind o' mon o' law, ah think, is a pettifoggin' soart o' 
 fellar i' emaall toons an' pleeaces, wi' lahtle or naethin' t' 
 doa ; reeady t' stooip t' onny meeanness ; an' allus on t' 
 leuk oot t' knoack neeboors yeds tegithir, t' mak' waark 
 fer hissen. At 'Lecshun toimes thease chaps mak' a raare 
 hahvist : they git mad' Aagints. 
 
 Pooir mon who waants t' be Mimber o' Parl'mint oop 
 i 1 Lunnun, an' show off his pow'r o' taalk gift o' t' gaab, 
 ah caw it mun paay doosens o' sike fellars oop an' doon, 
 t' leuk arter voaters : soomtoimes threeatenin' honnist 
 min, broibin' ithirs, an' dooin' onnythin' an' ivvirythin' 
 fer thur braass. Iv ah wur Preem Minister o' Parl'mint, 
 ah'd poot a stop tiv this ploonder fer doorty waark, by 
 mah trooly wud ah ! Leeave voaters, ah saay, t' thur- 
 sens, iv they've t' ploock an' spirit o' Englishmen, 
 they'll coom tit scraatch, wi'oot canvaassin', or pressin', 
 or persuaadin' !
 
 104 
 
 Weel, atween his wun hoondred poonds an' anithir as 
 aagint, Lawyur Graaball had naught a'maist t' doa, soa 
 he mak's hissen a lungus cockmadoor t' iwiry wun he 
 dusna feear. Pooir foaks 'specially he tormints, an' poota 
 t' reights. He's a sma' bit o' gaardin groond, roond baack 
 o' sooin pooir cots, an' grows peeas, an' beeans, an' 
 cabbaages, an' tatees. Noo, if boys wull be boys, caats 
 wull be caats ; an' iv yoh con kip a caat oot o' a gaardin', 
 its man: thon ah, or maist foak con doa. Lawyur 
 Dewdrop tould pooir foaks a' roond he'd prossikute onny 
 wun who let thur caats gae intul his gaardin, or 
 mah-yow an' caatterwaul on his treeas or finces. " We 
 canna help 'em, sir," saays foaks; " caats wull climb ower 
 waall ; we canna tee 'em oop loike doags." " Weel," 
 saays Lawyur, " ah'll help it, an' yoh'll sooin sea hoo." 
 An' iv he didna gae an' git a greeat heeavy paavmint 
 staane, an' set it oop on edge, wi' a stick t' kip it oop, 
 an' a big loomp o' leets teed t' stick, t' tirnpt t' poossies 
 t' coom. 
 
 Pooir aud Tabby o' Widder Bubwith t' only thing 
 she caared fer a'most, an' t' only thing as seeamed to 
 caare fer her wint oot a-neight, smelled leets, an' pool'd 
 an' pool'd, an' doon cam' staane an' crooshed Tabby 
 oonderneeath. Bud ony wun cud tell she didna dee a' at 
 onst ; mabbe t' pooir creeature wur hoors a-deein', an' 
 this mad' t' thing warse an' mair crooel. Lawyur 
 Graaball draaged pooir Tabby oot, an' laffed tiv hissen 
 pooir foaks aroond a' spitefool loike, bud afeeard t' saay 
 aught or blaack Lawyur t' his faace, as they'd loike t' 
 doa an' he desarved. 
 
 Lawyur cam' t' nixt moorn t' sea what freeash gaame 
 he'd cotched, an' thur wur Blaack Dick, t' cooalmon's, 
 greeat Tom caat cought by t' taail an' heend leg : string 
 had gotten roond an' roond, an' helped t' hould him 
 toight. 
 
 Lawyur smoiled, an' saays, " Ah'll cleear a' t' vaar- 
 mints at this raate ; ah'll stoon an' braain this wun, 
 an' settle him reight off." Lawyur tuk oop laarge brick 
 ind, an' mad' aaim at Tom caat's yed ; bud his foot 
 slipped intul peease trench, an' he fell forrads. His haat
 
 105 
 
 flew off, an' lie toombled oonder a big gooiseberry boosh, 
 wi' wun leg doobled oop, an' tither saank i' t' yearth. T' 
 prickles o' t' gooiseberry boosh wur ower him, an' Tom 
 caat's claaws jist i' froont o' his faace. Lawyur treed t' 
 poosh oot ; Tom caat seized hod o' his noase, an' 
 claawed his faace reight an' left tull he rooared agin ; an' 
 he wur foarced t' git baack oonder boosh, oot o' Tom's 
 waay. 
 
 Wiclder Bubwith an' ithir foaks saaw t' foon, an' heerd 
 lawyur caw oot, " Hilp ! hilp ! coom an' hilp ma oot !" 
 bud they tuk noa notidge ; an' Blaack Dick saays, " Lit 
 'em alone, lit 'em bide; lawyur an' Tom mun feight it 
 oot ; ah'll baack Tom i' a tussik agin lawyur onny deay." 
 An' they a' laffed. Lawyur's faace wur a' blooid ; bud he 
 treed agin, an' noo-itwur " blarney,^ as Hirish saay: 
 " Pooir poos ! pooir feller ! tit ! tit ! tit /" an' he poot oot 
 hond t' stroke Tom ; bud it wur noa goa ! Tom got 
 hoold o' his finners, an' maulled 'em raarely ; an' 
 lawyur drawed baack an' cawed oot agin loostily, " Am 
 ah t' be moordered i' mah awn gaardin ? ah'v poot mah 
 leg oot; wi' naebody coom ?" Noa wun did coom ; noa wun 
 felt enuf fer him t' coom ; they hid an' kipt quiate. 
 Lawyur stoapped faacin' Tom caat, treein' a' soarts o' 
 waays ; staanes, sticks, blarney an' a', bud it wur nae 
 gooid. Tom caat beeat him at a', an' drave lawyur baack 
 oonder gooiseberry boosh ivviry toime. Ah daare saay 
 t' skirmidge wint on fer hawf-an-hoor or mair, whin 
 lawyur gat desp'raate loike, toorned his baack, poot his 
 honds ower his faace, an' pooshed oot beyeant waay. 
 Tom caat seeazed hod o' lawyur' s cooat collaar wi' wun 
 paaw, an' claawed awa' loike maad wi' tithir. 
 
 Lawyur draaged an' draaged, an' at laast pooled Tom 
 free fra staane an' string ; he joomped off Lawyur's 
 baack on t' wall, an' wur off loike a laamp-leeter I 
 Lawyur wint off, limpin', baack waay whoame, t' blooid 
 a' ower his faace an' honds, an' his haat an' cleeas 
 a' moocky. He didna show oot o' hoose fer a weeak or 
 twea. Widder Bubwith saw his lass goa tit shop fer 
 saxpennorth o' stickin'-plaaster an' sarve, an' ah think he 
 gat sarved, an sarved reight !
 
 AH GIT AMANG T' SHEVVILD BLAADES. 
 
 Squeer saaid, " it wur varry haard" ali'd loast a' mah 
 proffit on t' seeads, throf Greeat. Boreal's bloonderin' 
 elarks ; an' saays he, " Goorkrodger, ah waant soom guid 
 coottin, mowin', an' reeapin' masshines ; an', as ah'm not 
 varry weel fer a joorney, wilta goa fer ma, an' pick 'em 
 oot fer ma ? Ah'm tould soom guid cootters air t' be had 
 at Shevvild ; thur's t' addriss : onnyhoo yoh con goa an' 
 leuk at 'em ; ah'll paay a' expinsis, an' gie yoh t' discoont 
 hallowed mah fer caash, fer yoor trooble." Ah tould 
 Squeer ah didna waant onny discoont, bud ah'd goa, an' 
 be glaad t' obleege him. 
 
 Brooshin' oop an' makkin' mesel reeady, off ah wint 
 wun moorn tit stashun, an' buked fer Shevvild. Ah wur 
 taen t' a new stashun they've beilt ; soomthin' loike a 
 staashun, not a hawf-an'-hawf jaale soart o' pleace, loike 
 Greeat Boreal ah've spoaken off afore. Ah canna git t' 
 Coompanny oot o' mah yed ! 
 
 This stashun is caw'd t' New Midlaand ; an' it's airy, 
 leight, laarge, an' neeat, an' coomfortaable, an' a' that t* 
 pooblic has a reight t' expict. Whin ah gat oot, " Mah 
 ees," saays ah, " whot a dool, dowly, dismaal toon ah've 
 gotten intul ; it beeats Leeads oot an' oot i' t' smoakin' 
 loine, it doa." 
 
 Eeight fornint staashxm thur's doosens oopon 
 doosens o' Foondries, an' Faactories, an' Foorges, an' 
 Roallin' an' Grindin' Mills, an' Steeam Haammers, an' Iron 
 an 1 Steeal Waarks ; wi' taall chimlers, an' shoart chimlers,
 
 107 
 
 an' laanky chimlers, an' doompy chimlers, an' chimlers 
 o' a' soarts an' seizes, giein' oot smooak, smooak, smooak, 
 enuf t' choake a pig ! Smooak aboon, smooak alangsoide, 
 smooak doon beloo ! Thur's blew smooak, an' whoite 
 smooak, an' broon smooak, an' blaack smooak; smooak 
 thick as a Lunnon Novimbur fog ; smooak thin as a 
 feeld vaaper i' Appril ! Yoh git smooak i' yoor ees, 
 smooak i' yoor noase, smooak i' yoor mooth ! smooak 
 that smealls, smooak that taastes, smooak that blinds I 
 Iv yoh sea a yoong guid leukin' laass an' thur's monny 
 t' be seean i' Shevvild, ah con tell'ee ah'll laay tin t' 
 wun she's a greeat blaack smoodge o' smoot on her 
 ploomp cheeaks, or acrass her daainty noase; an' soot 
 spoats air noa buty spoats, as iwiry vnin knaws. 
 Naethin' con be ld.pt cleean lang i' sike a aatmossfeer; 
 streeats, choorches, shoaps , guids, cleeas, faaces, ribbons, 
 shurts, honds, iwiry thin' in deers an' oot gits moocky 
 aloike ! 
 
 As ah saaid a' Leeads " Smooak is loast yeat ;" an' iv 
 Shevvild blaades wud boom it oop i' thur foornaaces, they 
 wud saave iwiry waay, i' eldia', clothin', heealth, an' 
 leuks ; why wilna they tree ? They've munny enuf, an' 
 inergy enuf (ah saw soigns ov Shewilders' greeat 
 inergy on iwiry soide) why mak' thur whoames pig- 
 styes, an' thur daaily loife warse thon an oouder- 
 groond collyer's ? 
 
 It is a soight t' sea t' waarkfoaks coom oot at dinner 
 hoor i' thahsands, neearly a' as blaack as tinkers, bud still 
 maistly wi' a leuk o' manliness an' indepindince i' thur 
 sooty faaces ah loiked weel t' sea ! 
 
 A deacent warkin' mon gav ma t' neames o' monny o' 
 thur traades. Thur's Plaaters, an' Foorgers, an' Cootlers, 
 an' Poodlers, an' Moolders, an' Boornishers, an' Wier 
 Rollers, an' Shaaft Toorners, an' Chaasers, an' Grinders, 
 an' ither opperaateevs who waark at makkin' files, an' 
 saws, an' knives an' forks, an' razers, an' sissers, an' leas, 
 an' teapots, an' iron plaates, an' kannons, an' a' soarts o' 
 things fra penknives t' sax hoondred poonders fer iron- 
 claad war ships. 
 
 " They're famus raw mattereal, yon chaps," saays ah
 
 108 
 
 tiv mah warkin' freend by mah soide ; " pitty mair 
 paains isna taen to foarm 'em intul noable shaapes !" 
 " Yea, they're straang fellars," retoorned he, " haard as 
 noots, an' shaarp as t' razers they mak' ; bud ah donna 
 loike a' they doa. Yoh'll sea fra paapers they're oop to 
 Ratfning agin, an' ah doan't hould wi' that." " Rattin' !" 
 saays ah ; "what doa they goa rattin' fer ?" "Oh!" 
 saays warkin' mon, " whin they canna git thur ' Natty 
 munny!'" "Pooir fellars !" saays ah, "its haard wark, 
 thof yoh'v plinty o' watter, an' they lig aboot streeams. 
 "Whin ah goa rattin', ah'v ferrits t' toorn t' varmints oot 
 o' wheeat ricks, an' we staand roond wi' goons and shoot 
 'em, iv doogs miss 'em, bud Jowler seldoom doos. 
 1 Rattin' !' pooir fellars oot o' wark canna git mitch that 
 waay, ah think!" Mon did laf, an' saays he, " Its nae 
 caatchin' raats we caw Ratt'ning i' Shevvild, bud taakin' 
 baands off wheeils t' stoap wark. They saay ' Mary Ann 1 
 sits t' gaame a-goin'." " Yea," saays ah, " iv thur's ony 
 mischeef gaein' on, foaks saay a womon is seer t' be at t' 
 botham ov it !" Glaad ah wur aud Deeame wurna neear 
 to heear mah speeach ! We boath laffed, an' mon wished 
 ma " gooid deay !" 
 
 Oh, the smooak ! the smooak ! it seeamed t' coom 
 warse an' warse. Ah spoak tiv a shopkeeaper aboot t' 
 cloods o' smooak, an' hoo bad it mun be fer peuple's 
 heealth. Shopkeeaper saaid, " T' smooak wullna kill 
 Shewild foaks iv thur wur naught ealse, iv they wur 
 soaber, an' kipt guid hoors, an' leuked tiv thur whoames 
 mair." " Bud," saays ah, " what whoames ha' they ? 
 ' Things air i' a vishus cirkel,' as ah yeard a gintlemon 
 saay. ' Cleenliness is nixt t' Godliness ;' an' gie t' pooir 
 cleean streeats, an' cleean hooses as far as yoh con to 
 begin wi' ; taackle thur vices too : ah'll niver oophold 
 droonkaards or neight-revellers, rich or pooir !" 
 
 " Yoh've steeal refahners an' convarters i' Shewild i' 
 plinty; tree a lahtle mair to convart yer warkpeuples' 
 moinds, an' refahne thur manners ; munny-makkin' isna 
 iwirythin' !" We saaid mair, bud 'that's t' pith o' oor 
 discoorse. Ah'd gat in earley, an', thinks ah, ah'll ha' a 
 stroale afoor buzziness, an' leuk aboot a bit, an' git oot o'
 
 109 
 
 smooak iv ah con. Ah axed a pooir, paale, raagged, 
 hawf-staarved leukin' laad, waaitin' aboot wi' ithirs loike 
 hisseu fer a job, whur t' rooad reight oop broo by stashun 
 led to ! " Tit Pairk, Sur," saays he. " Jist whur ah'd 
 loike t' goa," saays ah t' mesel, " an' git a moothfool o' 
 freeash air." Weel, ah wint oop by brick waall aboon 
 raailwaay, bud ah seed nea PairJc ! " What pleeace mud 
 this be caw'd ?" saaid ah tiv a mon wi' blaack streeaks a' 
 doon his cheeaks, loike a niggar hawf white-weshed. 
 " It's t' Pairk, Sur," saays he. " Weel, ah'm blessed," 
 thinks ah, " this is a Pairk !" Eoond ma wur loines o' 
 sma' oop an' doon streeats, an' lones, an' coorts, an' alleys 
 roonnin' oot ov 'em, paaved wi' brokken bits o' staanes, 
 an' a' aloike, oogly, dingy, an' moocky. T' hooses soa 
 sma', twea gooid barras fool o' foorniture wud ha' filled 
 'em fra groond tit rooaf ; shoaps wi' unwhoalesooni- 
 smellin' fooid an' sassages ;* meean, uncanny leukin' 
 pooblic-hooses, warkshoaps wi' a' t' winders brokken, 
 toomble-doon sheds, brickyeards, doost heeaps, pools o' foul 
 watter, waaste bits o' groond, wi' rotten raales an' waals 
 capped wi' foornaace coak, fool o' reffoose, deead caats 
 an' doags, an' cindars, an' pooir-leukin' maingy coacks an' 
 bins diggin' oop t' moock, treein' t' foind a meeal ; roapes 
 acaass soom streeats wi' hawf-durty, paatched oop cleas 
 haangin' oot t' dree ; an' a leuk o' whoaplessniss an' noa- 
 haartedniss ivvirywhur. Mony o' t' wimmin seeamed 
 slatterns, an' wur as durty as thur streeats an' whoames ; 
 ithirs hadna loast a' t' cooller o' t' coontry i' thur cheeaks, 
 or thur aud cleeanly waays, an' wur treein' t' mak' thur 
 hooses deacent loike : they wur moppin' paavemint, an' 
 weshin' deer steeaps ; bud t' cloods o' soot wud mak' t' 
 pleeace blaack as ivvir in an hoor or twea, an', loike t' 
 rest, they'll loase whoape at laast ! 
 
 An' t' bairns, oh C pooir bairns ! mah haart wur sail-, 
 an' t' teears cam' offen intul mah ees, as ah saaw t' pooir 
 thing^, wi' noa plaay groond bud t' streeats, noa sky bud 
 a paall o' smooake, noa floors bud t' faaded mak'-beleeves 
 
 *A mon wur laately taen oop i' Shewild fer sellin' sassages mad' 
 o' disseased hoarse fleeash. Ah'd mak' him liv' on his awn sassages 
 fer a weeak.
 
 110 
 
 i' mithir's bonnit, noa birds bud t' oonbaappy drooapin' 
 hoose spaarrows, as durty, roof, an' ooncaared fer as 
 thursens ! Oh t' bairns, t' pooir bairns ! paale, raagged, 
 aud, an' coonnin' leukin' ; deay by deay loosin' t' print 
 o' God an' hivin i' thur lahtle faaces, an' gettin' t' caares 
 o' t' waarld intul tbur yoong haarts, t' sins o' t' waarld 
 oopon thur yoong yeds ; whin heealthy, innercent plaay, 
 an' loovin' caare, an' eddicashun, shud fill oop a' thur 
 paassin' boors, an' mak' 'em fit t' doa t' waark o' noable 
 min an' wimmin heare on yearth, i' Toime, an' fill t' pleeace 
 o' saaints an' aangils in Eternity ! 
 
 Oh t' bairns, t' pooir bairns ! wull noa wun tree t' 
 saave 'em ? Wull noa greeat mon rise oop i' oor graand, 
 gineroos Englaand, an' saay, " This rooin, this 'bommer- 
 nashun, this distruckshun o 1 yoong sowls, t' f naame o' f' 
 MOST HIGH, shall ceease ?" We air waaitin', t' Waarld is 
 waaitin', fer sike a mon t' appeear, an' poot wrang reight 
 oopon t' yearth ; an' oh ! hoo oor haarts wud leeap, an' 
 goa oot tiv him, an' oor moinds boo tiv him, iv we saw 
 his footstips paass alang oor waay ! 
 
 Ah'd bed enuf o' t' Pairk whot a naame fer sike a 
 neeboorhood an' ah axed, "Whur mud that rooad, 
 liggin' doan thur, (pointin' t' reight), leead to, oot o' 
 toon?" "Its t' gaainest waay t' Victorria Staashun, 
 Sur," saaid t' bairn ah axed, " an' beyant, oot o' toon, is 
 Broightsoide." " Thaank'ee," saays ah, " that'll doa." 
 " Ah'v beean on t' daarksoide a lang toime," thinks ah, 
 " ah'll goa t' broightsoide willin' enuf." Soa ah wint 
 alang by Iron Waarks an' Steeal Waarks, an' a' soarts o' 
 waarks, tiv a koind o' mairket pleeace, an' inch deeap i' 
 cooal moock. "Wull that rooad," saays ah tiv a mon 
 sellin' tatees, "tak' ma t' Broightsoide ?" "Yea," saays 
 he, " oop broo, an' foirst toorn lift." 
 
 Weel, oop ah wint, an' foond ah'd t' toorn oop Blaast 
 Lone a varry pratty naame fer a varry pratty pleeace, 
 ah'll asseer yoh doost heeaps, an' cinder heeaps, moock, 
 an ? waarks a' roond, an' a cannal, loike a sewer ditch, 
 reight alangsoide. " It isna Broightsoide yet," thinks ah. 
 Ah wint roond an' roond tull ah cam' tit Voolcan Taavern, 
 an' thin gat throf an aarchwaay, an' reight agin sooin
 
 Ill 
 
 mair waarks monstroos waarks baith soides o' rooad, 
 caw'd Cycloops Iron Waarks, wi' smooak that thick it 
 a'maist bloinded ma. "What mud Cycloops naeean, 
 Sur ?" ah axed ov a gintlemon at deer o' waarks ; " is it a 
 mon's neame ?" He smoiled, an' saaid, "I' t' aud toimes 
 they caw'd Voolcan t' God o' blaacksmiths, an' t' Cycloops 
 wur his waarkmen i' t' booels o' Moont Hetner ; they'd 
 oanly wun ee i' t' middle o' thur foryeds." " Thaank'ee, 
 Sur," saays ah, " ah'm allus glaad t' pick oop onny freash 
 laarnin', bud ah doan't think t' naame quoite reight !" 
 " Why not ?" saays he. " Becas," saays ah, baack agin, 
 " yoh Shevvild foaks ha' twea ees, an' boath woide oapen, 
 t' mak' braass an' yoor waay i' t' waarld." Gintlemon 
 laffed, an' saaid, " Weel, we're Yarkshur, an' ah think 
 yoh're Y arkshur, tu ; an' maist Yarkshurmin ha' thur yeds 
 screwed on reight, an' soa we git on." Ah booed tiv 
 gintlemon, an' wint on. 
 
 Warse an' warse ! waarks ! waarks ! waarks ! smooak ! 
 smooak ! smooak ! thicker an' thicker ! 
 
 Ah seed writ oop Bessemer s Steeal Waarks ; an' it is a 
 big pleeace. A foremen koind o' chaap tould ma they'd 
 " A new proacess fer makkin' steeal." " Ah wish," saays 
 ah, " yoh'd git a newer proacess, an' consoom yer oan 
 smooak." " Yea," saays foremon, "its a greeat nooisance, 
 bud we git used tiv it i' toime." "Bud t' bairns, t' 
 pooir bairns, in thoase thaahsands o' hooses reight 
 faacin' a' this moock an' smooak, what ov them ?" ah 
 axed foremon. " Its baad fer them," saays he ; " they 
 doan't live hawf thur proaper loives ; monny ha' beean 
 caarried off this winter wi' Scaarlitteener, an' ithir 
 coomplaaints." " Ah woonder yoh reear onny bairns at 
 a', ah doa," saays ah, " wi' thur dellicat labile loongs 
 pisoned deay an' neight." " Childer air a greeat trooble 
 an' annoyince i' sike pleeaces," saays foremon, " an' ah'm 
 sorry t' saay monny foaks git rid ov 'em." " Moorder 
 'em ?'' axed ah. " Yea," saays he; " Infaantiseed, as they 
 caw it, is an ivviry-deay thing heare, an' ah sooppose i' 
 ithir big toons. Ded babbies air offen discoovered i' oor 
 pootids, an' waaste groonds, an' streeams; an' t' 
 moorderers air seldom or niwir foond oot." " That's
 
 112 
 
 horribil 1" saays ah. " It is horribil," saays foremen, 
 "an'wewaarkin'min feeal it(t' tkinkin' ww??samangoos),an r 
 wish fer a mair natteral staate o' things i' t' lond, we doa ; 
 bud thease laarge toons, ' whur,' as oor and pooet Elyot 
 saays 
 
 ' Whur liv' t' sons o' toil, 
 
 Whoase sowls toorn graay ! 
 0' a' creeated things, 
 
 T' maist oonblest air they,' 
 
 mun grow laarger, an' increease. Ah wish chaarity, an' 
 fellar-feealin', an' guidness wud increease at saame toime, 
 ah doa! bud buzzar is soondin', ah mun goa." " Ah 
 wish t' saame, mah freend," saaid ah t' foremon, "bud 
 remimber yoor saalvashun is in yoor oan pooer ; t' 
 prommissed lond is afore yoh ; self-deneal, unety, an' 
 eddicashun wull chaange yoor faate, an' t' faate o' tins 
 o' thaahsands ! Gie ma yoor hond, an' noo guid 
 deay." Ah shuk his blaack hoarny hond, an' wint mah 
 waay. 
 
 All noo cam' tiv anither warks, bigger thon onny ah'd 
 seein i' Shewild yet ; it mun ha' taen oop akers o' 
 groond, ah think, an' t' smooak wur blaacker an' blaacker, 
 cooverin' ivvirything wi' a clood loike a plage o' Egipt ! 
 " Ah think ah'm gaein' wrang fer Brightsoide ?" saaid 
 ah tiv a smootty-faaced womon gittin' a blaack oot ov 
 a squarlin' bairn's ee. " Noa, thou'rt reight," saays she ; 
 "this be Broightsoide a' alang here." " Weel," thinks 
 ah, " ah'll gae nae foorthur, or ah'll git intul lower 
 reguns ! It's weel t' mak' beast o' a baad baargin, bud 
 noat t' tell lees an' deceeave foaks. Brightsoide indeed !" 
 Ah toorned baack intul toon throf a brooad streeat 
 they caw Wicker, smooak an' warks oopon warks a' alang 
 eeach soide, an' pooblic-hooses t' suit 'em, sike as 
 "Anvils," " Locomoteevs," " Coarner Pins" Foornaaces" etc. 
 By Raailwaay Aarch is a maarbil Foontin', pratty an' 
 neeat ; bud it wur dree, an' baasin.fool o' doost an' soot ! 
 A' illigance, a' loife aboon loife deein' oot ! Ah paassed soom 
 foine mairkets ; foaks tould ma they belanged an' nearly 
 all Shewild tit Dook o' Norfolk ; he gies a greeat deeal i' 
 chaarity, thaahsands soomtoimes : ah yeard saay, ah larnt
 
 113 
 
 too, he's mad' a raal >Patrk oot o' toon, o' 90 akers, an' 
 kips it oop hissen. A mon naamed Bailey has gien 
 anither Pairk, ah'm tould, tit peuple o' Shevvild, an' ah'm 
 varry glaad t' heeare it, ah's seer. 
 
 1" main streeats o' Shevvild airna brooad or strait, an' 
 air a' oop an' doon, in an' oot loike ; bud they've gotten 
 monny foine shoaps fool o' splindur, an' thur's plinty o' 
 traade an' boostle. Ah settled mah bizziness fer Squeer, 
 an' thin toorned intul Aangil Inn fer a bit o' loonch an' a 
 glass o' paale yale. Thnr's a figger o' an aangil oop oot- 
 soide Inn, a blaack fallin 1 aangil, sooty fra yed t' fit, wings 
 an' a'. Ah wud cleean that aangil wunce a yeear at 
 Kursmas, (whin a' gooid aangils leuk thur beast !) 
 ah wud ! 
 
 Arter mah took oot, ah leaft inn fer a raamble, as ah 
 wur to stoap tull nixt deay, an' loike t' sea a' ah con 
 i' straange pleeaces. Arter ah'd gaen oop wun durty 
 streeat an' doon anither durty streeat, an' alang monny 
 durty streeats, ah axed a mon, " Is thur nae oapen 
 spaaces i' Shevvild, nae squaares whur a mon con git a 
 moothfool o' freash air ?" " Faaith an' be shure thur 
 is, Sur," saaid mon, "thur's a moighty foine 
 squaare Paaradise Squaare they caw it ower fornint aud 
 choorch ; they hould nae ind o' pooblic meeatins thur." 
 Off ah wint t' foind it. Ah wint paast aud choorch wi' 
 heigh blaack speer, and kirkgaarth a' roond, oop St. 
 Jaames's Pleeace, doon a lahtle broo, an' ah cam' 
 t' Paaradise Squaare a noice pleeace fer a mon 
 who'd jist left t' Aangil Inn ! an' a noice pleeace 
 it bea. Its a durty, oonevin, oapen spaace, aboot a 
 hoondred fit eeach waay, hawf t' groond baadly paaved, 
 an' hawf yearth, wi'oot a sign ov a treea, or a blaade ov 
 graass, or a shroob, or a boosh, or a plaant. 
 
 Thur's a laamp-poast i' t' middel, wi' soom brokken 
 atips aroond it, an' fornint it ithir heigh oop stips 
 leeadin' tiv a skeual fer boys. Thur's foor or fahve pot 
 shoaps i' t' squaare, an' aboot hawf-a-doosen hawf ginteel 
 hooses, soom wi' braass plaates, air roond aboot, an' a 
 stook oop Laand an' Agency Offis, on wnn soide ; 
 scaattered a' ower, air lots o' pot sheads, straaw inds, 
 
 H
 
 114 
 
 brick baats, brokken crockkenly, an' moock, moock, 
 moock ; an' this is Paaradise Squaare ! 
 
 " What neames," thinks ah, " Shevvild blaades gie 
 thur oogly plaaces." Ah'd yeard ov Fig Tre.ca Lone, an' 
 Orcliaard Streeat, bud ah didna goa t' leuk at 'em, or 
 seeak ferfrooitl loike ded sea aapples (Meary red aboot 
 i' a buk), dootless its laang agoa toorned tiv doost an' 
 aashes ! an' " Jericho"* ah kipt awaay fra, fer feear ah 
 mud fa' amang robbers. Ah lift Paaradise wi'oot bein' 
 drivven oot, an' wint intul cheeif streeats agin. Ah 
 leuked at a statty ov a blaack mon sittin' doon, faacin' 
 Poast Offis. ''That's poot oop fer soom greeat Afrikan, 
 ah 'spose," saaid ah t' a caab rnon, chaaffin' mabbe a bit. 
 " Afrikan be haanged," saays he, " yoh mun be a coontry 
 boompkin noat t' knaw that's oor pooet Elyot !" " Weel," 
 saays ah, " he's blaack enuf !" " An' yoh'd be blaack i' t' 
 faace, aud fellar," saaid Cabby, " iv yoh'd sit oop thur as 
 laang as he has wi'oot onny groob !" an' a lot o' chaaps roond 
 did laf. Thur's anither ruonumint ah saw. Its a piller 
 insoide a raailiu', wi' a wunimon at top, wi' an' iron 
 hoop i' wun hond, an' a swoard i' t' ithir, an' twea kannuns 
 at bothara. It's poot oop in mimory ov Shevvild min 
 who fell i' feightin' Eooshins i' Krimmeah war. 
 
 Gaein' oop Norfolk an' Aroondil streeats, ah gat tit 
 Theatur Eoyaale, wi' warks an' warks agin a' aroond ma ; 
 ah toorned a coorner intul Sorry streeat, an' cam' fornint 
 a big, blaack, staane bildin', wi' 
 
 AES LONGA. VITA BREVES, 
 
 writ oop i' laarge letters i' froont. Ah'm varry curious 
 loike ; ah wishes ailus t' knaw t' yed an' taail ov a' ah 
 seeas, an' ah axed twinty blaades what thim letters 
 naeeant, an' they cudna tell ma ! Ah willna saay what t' 
 foirst chap'tould ma; he wur a blaackgaard ! Anither 
 saaid it wur Grik aboot fissick an' oor vitals ; " VITA " mud 
 meean that ! At laast ah axed a mon wi' a durty whoite 
 choker on, a deacent soart ov fellar, an' saays he, it 
 meeans "oor haart is lang, oor loife is skoart." Thinks 
 ah, "that's commikal, laarge-haarted men shud liv' 
 
 * Part of Sheffield so named.
 
 115 
 
 langest ; bud it may meean complaaint ov t' haart." Ah 
 wint on t' a lahtle deer i' t 1 bildin', an' oapened it, an' 
 wint in. Agin t' waall wur paasted oop this notidge, or 
 summat loike it : 
 
 PEEEZES OV 5. 
 
 FEE MED'SIN AN' CLEENIKAL MED'SIN 5 
 
 SERJtJRRY AN' CLEENIKAL SERJUERY - - - - - 5 
 
 HANNAH TOMMIKAL FRYNOLLODQY - - - - - 5 
 
 MlDWOIPPERY AN' MEDDIKAL JOOEYS' PEOODINCE - 5 
 
 BOTTANNY AN' MATTERIAH MEDDICAH - - - - 5 
 
 N.B. All and Baanes V be taen awaay. 
 
 " What's t' meeanin' o' that Hotter Benny ?" saaid ah, 
 tiv soom stoodent chaps roond aboot ah let 'em seea 
 ah Imawed soom Lattin ! " Them's oor preezes fer 
 coottin' oop an' baane settin'," saays wun ; an' noo lots o' 
 t' stoodents gat roond ma, an' blocked oop rooad tit deer. 
 " Wud yoh loike, Sur, t' seea oos disseckt a boddy ? we've 
 a foine toof and wummun oop staairs ! It's haard t' git 
 boddies noo t' coot oop ; resserreckshunnests, an' boddy- 
 snaatchers fra choorch yeards, used t' git copses lang 
 agoa ; noo we-'ve oanly chaance wuns, warkhoose foaks, 
 an' straaugurs wi'oot frinds." " Doa yer reeally coot oop 
 foaks ?" saays ah, an ah treed t' git neear deer. "Yea," 
 saaid stoodent, " bud, as ah saaid, they're varry leean uns ; 
 ah'd loike noo t' git a gooidfaat weel-fed-un fer a chaange. 
 Wilta waalk oop staairs?" "Noa thaankee," saays ah, 
 " Gooid deay ;" an' ah pooshed fer deer : loockily a mon 
 loike an' aud docktur cam' in saame moament, an' ah gat 
 oot, glaad enuf ! Ah didna loike t' taalk aboot coottin' 
 oop, an' faat uns at a' ! Iv ah'd gane oop staairs, mabbe 
 ah'd nivvir seean Bonnybeck agin ! Who knaws ?
 
 116 
 
 Cloase by Coottin'-oop-Haall, as all caw'd it, tliur's 
 anither laarge pleeace or twea, mad' o' staane. At wun 
 ah seed numbers o' foaks gangin' in an' oot. "What's 
 oop noo ?" thinks ah, an' ah waaited aboot leukin' on. 
 Ah seed yoong gals an' wimmin wi' approons an' shaawls 
 ower yed, an' soom mail- neeatly poot on ; pooir mither- 
 less leukin' bairns o' boys, mecannicks, 'prentise loike 
 chaaps, aud totterin'min an' wimmin, leedies an' gintlemin, 
 a' gaeiii' in wi' buks o' a' seizes i' thur honds, an' coomin' 
 oot wi' buks agin. " What con it be," thinks ah ; " it isua 
 a choorch, or chaapel, or meeatin' hoose ; fer foaks coom 
 oot as shaarp as they goa in. What pleeace con it be ?" 
 Thin ah leuks oop at big laamp ower deer, an' it had writ 
 on it, "FREE LIBRAYRY." "Oh!" thinks ah, " they're 
 giein' buks awaay, ah'll gae an' git wun fer Meary ; she 
 tak's mortaal t' reeadin'." Ah oops intul a pleeace wi' a 
 foine pictoor o' Rooame, wi' a big caastle feerin' awaay ; 
 Saaint Angillow mon caw'd it. " Ah wish they'd leeave 
 goonpahder aloane !" tliinks ah. Koond t' raahm wur 
 hoondreds o' thahsands o' buks o' a soizes; an' yoong 
 chaps haanded 'em oot tit foaks. " They maay weel gie 
 'em awaay," saays ah, " whin they've gat soa rnonny." 
 Ah let yoong chaps sarve wun or twea foaks, whin ah 
 oops, an' saays ah, " This is t' Free Librayry, ah think ?" 
 " Yea," saays chap. " Weel, thin," saays ah, " yoh con 
 hond ma soom noice buk o' pooetry, or taales fit fer a 
 lass a neeat pratty vollom ; bud ah donna caare fer that 
 shiney stoof roond t' leeaves." " What's yoor neame ?" 
 saays chap. " Timothy Goorkrodger, Fermer, Bonny- 
 beck, Yarkshur," saays ah. "Whur'is yoor tikket ?" 
 saays chap. " Ah ha' nae tikket," saays ah. " We 
 nivvir lind buks wi'oot a ticket signed by a raate-paayer, 
 bud thur's a raahm opposit, whur yoh con sit an' reead 
 what yoh loike ;" an' yoong fellar toorned t' ithers. 
 Foaks roond begaan t' giggle a bit ; soa ah thaanked yoong 
 chap, an' wint acrass intul REEADIN' RAAHM, as they caw 
 it ; an' a noice pleeace it be, thof they bang t' deer a 
 lahtle too mitch, an' a mon loikes quiate whin he's a 
 stoodyin'. Thur wur twea gooid foires, sax lang taables 
 an' binches eeach soide ; an' oshuns o' pappers an' buks
 
 117 
 
 lift on ^taables fer onnywuu t' reead. Thur wur Poonch 
 an' ither foouny Perryoddicawls (as a rnon caw'd 'em) ; 
 Reveus, Maggerzeens, Joornaals, Boys' buks, Katterlogs, 
 Dickshonnarries, Gides, an' ah donna knaw what. Ah 
 gat oop i' a cooarner neear a maap ov Shevvild, an' soom 
 gloobes ; an' as thur wxirna onny wun else neear, an' a 
 noice foine leukin' mon smoiled at ma, ah tuk t' libberty 
 o' axin' him soom queshuiis i' a loo doon vice loike. 
 Thur's boosts a' roond on winder sills ; an' ah axed thur 
 neeames. " That aud mon wi' beeard an' nao ees," saays 
 mah koind freend, " is Hommer, t' greeat Grik pooet. That 
 yoong haandsoom chap wi' t' flooin' haair is Happollow, 
 god o' musick an' t' foine aarts. That sollid-leukin' mon, 
 wi' thout sittin' o' his broo, is Jaames Watt, who mad' t' 
 steeam engin." "He niud weel ha' hed thout settin' on 
 his broo, an' insoide his braain alsoa, t' mak' that woonder 
 o' t' yearth, steeam poor; what wud Shevvild doa 
 wi'oot it ?" saaid ah. " Yoor reight," saays mah in- 
 stroocter, an' he thin wint on aboot t' boosts. " Thoase 
 twea ower thur air in honner o' twea sons ov Shevvild, 
 Elyot an' Moontgonamery, boath pooets," saays he. " It 
 mun be dowly wark," saays ah, " t' wreet pooetry oonder 
 yoor smooak ; ah'd sooner groind raazers, ah wud !" 
 " T' sowl tak's nae noate ov soorroondin's," saaid mah 
 koind freend an' teeachur ; " soom ov oor best an' maist 
 noable warks ha' beean coompoased i' prisson ; an' t' ee 
 ov ginneus con sea buty, an' hollyness, an' puritty, an' 
 God's luv an' gooidness, amid t' croods ov min, as weel 
 as in t' luvliest scenes ov Natter. Mon is t' rooler ov t' 
 univarse, an' t' stoody, an' gie shaape, an' ootterrance t' 
 mon's thouts, an' whoapes, an' aspirashuns, is t' heighest 
 pooetry. The true pooet con foind 
 
 " Sweeatness an' leight," 
 
 as MetJiew Arnuld saays, evin amid oor smooak an' glooim ; 
 an' what doos glorius aud Joan Million wreet i' his greeat 
 wark 
 
 " The sowl is its oan pleeace, 
 
 An' ov itsel con mak' 
 
 A Hivin ov Hell, 
 
 A Hell ov Hivin !"
 
 118 
 
 An', agin, hoo foine thoase loines ov t' dreeamer, 
 Cooalridge : 
 
 " We recee've bud what we gieve, 
 An' in oor loives aloane doth Natter live ; 
 Oor's is her weddin' gaarmiut, 
 Oor's her shrood ; an' wud we aught acqueer 
 0' heigher woarth, thon this inanimaate cauld warld alloos 
 To t' pooir luvless", ivvir anxshus crood ; 
 Oh,/V-fl t' sorvl itnel inun thur proceead 
 'A leight, a gloary, a faair loominus clood, 
 Bnvelloppin' t' yearth; an'/m f sowl itsel 
 Mun thur be sint a sweeat an' poatent voice ov its oan berth, 
 Ov a' sweeat soonds t' loife an' illimint." 
 
 " That's varry foine an' graand," saays ah, " thof ah 
 canna oonderstaand hawf ov it ; bud ah stick tit aud 
 saayin', " GOD MAD' T' COONTKY, MON T' TOON." T' woisest 
 an' t' beast air woiser an' better wi' t' luvly an' grashus 
 warks o' t' Almighty aroond 'em. By choise nae wun, 
 ah think, wud liv' i' glooim an' moock. Ah nivvir cud 
 mak' 
 
 " A Hivin ov Hell," 
 
 as pooet saays, ah's seer ! Foaks tell rna thur's plinty or 
 Free Theenkers a' Shevvild ; what woonder peuple ceease 
 t' beleeve i' Hivin, whin they con nivvir see it !" saays ah. 
 " Ma freend," saaid gintlemon, " we mun mak' t' beast ov 
 prisent circoomstaances ; we munna owerleuk humaanity, 
 becas it dwells i' masses i' poovitty, durt, an' vice ! Iv 
 a' t' gooid, an' larned, an' rispicktaable seeak whoarnes 
 awaay fra oor laarge toons, (an' too mony who ha' mad' 
 thur fortoons by t' laboor ov ithirs doa this noo,) what 
 wull becum ov t' thahsands an' tins ov thahsands ov 
 pooir, hignoorant, an' helpliss beeings i' sike pleeaces aa 
 Shevvild ? - 
 
 "Thur is waark, noable waark, amid sike pleeaces. 
 It will be toime enuf fer mon t' gie mon oop whin God 
 gies mon oop." Ah foond ah'd noa coammon mon t' taalk 
 tiv, (he's weel knawn an' luv'd, ah'v larnt, by thaahsands 
 i' Yarkshur) ; an' glaad ah wur t' lissen tiv him. He 
 wint on, " That seveer, foine-leukin' faace is t' boost or 
 Markus Brutus, who killed Ceesar." "What hed he dun?" 
 axed ah; "hed he gaen maad ?" "Noa," saaid mah
 
 119 
 
 teeachur, "he wur a greeat teerant, who distroyed t' 
 libberttees ov his coontry, i' t' aud Rooamon toinies." 
 Ah thout he wur a doag ! Ah'd nivvir yeeard ov onny 
 Ceesars bud doags ; bud ah heald mah peeace. Giritlemon 
 thin saaid, " That's anithir Eooamon, ower thur, t' 
 Imperor Vittillyus." "Air not Eooamons, an' Griks, an' 
 English possed oop a bit?" saays ah." " T' librayry is i' 
 its infaancy," saays he ; " thur'll be mair boosts an' mair 
 oarder Boom deay." 
 
 "Ah wur glaad t' sea," saays ah, " a' soarts ov foaks 
 coomin' fer buks ; " it mun be a greeat deloight fer thim 
 as is fond o' reedin' ; iv mah darter Meary wur heear, she'd 
 reead maist o' yoor buks, ah'm seer !" " She'd ha' soom 
 trooble," saaid gintlemon, sniilin', " an' tak' soom toime ; 
 we've mair thon 30,000 volloms !" " Do yoh nivir lose 
 'em ?" saays ah, " lendin' 'em oot ?" " Soomtoimes," 
 saays he ; " bud naethin' t' speeak ov oot ov soa inonny." 
 "Is it t' waarkin' men, or middlin' soart ov foaks, who 
 tak' buks cheeafly ?" " We've a' raanks an' claasses," he 
 retoorned, " an' ah'm glaad, an' prood t' saay, we've 
 waarkin' min who con reead an' oonderstond oor foirst 
 buks o' sciance an' litteratshure." " Ah'm varry pleeased 
 t' heear it," saaid ah ; " thur wur noathin' loike this i' 
 mah yoong deays. Thur's whoape fer Englaand i 1 sike 
 institooshuns. Bud is it sollid buks or novvils yoh ha' t' 
 maist ov ?" axed ah. "Heare's a Katterlog," saaid mah 
 instroocter, " an' iv yoor toime isna taen oop, ah'll jist goa 
 throf it a bit." " Ah'm noa pressed," saays ah, " an' ah'll 
 tak' it varry koind o' yoh, Sur, iv yoh'll gie ma onny 
 infoormashun yoh con ; ah'm alias reeady t' larn, an' 
 iwiry deay ah feeal t' waant ov a gooid eddicashun, 
 ah doa." 
 
 Mah gooid freend tuk a pleeasure, ah cud sea, i' tellin' 
 ma things, fer ah wurna aboon axin' an' enqueerin' ; an' t' 
 oanly waay fer an hignoorant mon t' larn, is t' ax, an' ax, 
 an' kip on axin'. Gintlemon tuk oop vollom wi' t' list o' 
 buks ; an' saays he, " We're varry Katholick i' oor seleck- 
 shun." " Rooamon Katholick ?" saays ah. " Noa," saays 
 he, " ah meean univarsal, not confoined, loike, t' onny 
 skeul, or creeid, or teeachin' ; 'we let a' ha' faair
 
 120 
 
 plaay.' In HISTORY we've gooid edishuns ov a' t' anshent 
 oarthers, sike as Jossephoos, Herrodditoos, Livvy, Salloost, 
 an' t' moddern wuns ov Gibboon, Robertsun, Hume, ffallum, 
 doon tiv t' warks ov Boockley, Looey Blong, Maccoolley, 
 Hallisun, Frood, Lingaerd, an? Kinglaake. Thin cooms 
 BEHOGGRAFFY, or loives o' t' greeat min ov t' warld ; thur's 
 neeaiiy thurty paages of thease, incloodin' PlootarKs 
 Loives, Rosckoe's Leeho f Tinth, Talleyroond, etsetterah. 
 A varry attraacteev teetle coomes nixt : VOYAAGES AN' 
 TRAAVILS ; we've a lang list o' thease, fra Cooake an' 
 Moongo Pairk tiv Caatlin, an' Doo Shallhoo an' Livinstaane. 
 In MAATHEMATTICKS AN' FISSICAL SCEEANCES, we've Hugh 
 Clyd" " Ah'v yeeard o' him," saays ah! " an' monny 
 greeat neeames doon : Newtin, Cuveehair, Arahgoa, Farro^ 
 deay, Leeal, an 1 Hooxley." Ah'd beein taen' neeames doon 
 fer Meary an' mah huk i' pincil ; ah'v lift oot soom o' t' 
 Fissical min, ah foind; bud nea makkins. Gintlemon 
 wint on taalkin'. "Nixt we ha', yoh sea, NATTERAL 
 HISTORRY AN' FISSYOLLOGY, twinty paages or mair ; 
 Gowdsmeeth, Booffong, Whotte, Coom, Spoorshim, an' ithirs. 
 Thin THEOLLOGY ; noat monny paages, fer we're noat 
 greeat theollogeeuns i' She wild ; bud thur's t' Feythurs ov 
 f Choorch, Saaint Thomas Acquinnus ; an' imparshall loike, 
 we gie Whaately, Strass, Collinso, an' ithirs, fer a' creeids 
 an' waays o' thinkin'." " T' greeat thing," saays ah, " is 
 t' teeach oor English foaks Chaarity, an' mak 'em act 
 loike Christiaans wun tiv t' ithir Doa yoh think yoh're 
 doin' that, wi' a' this larnin' ?" " We've mitch t' doa yit 
 t' poot aud Englaand's hoose in carder," saaid mah 
 teeachur ; " bud, thenk God, we've mad' a beginnin', we've 
 mad' a beginnin' !" 
 
 " Ah'll toorn ower," he wint on, " tiv MINTAL AN' MORRAL 
 FEELOSSOOPHY a sma' bud rich collickshun ; Baacon, 
 Watts'" " Him as foond oot steeam poor," saays ah, to 
 show ah'd taen summat in ! " Noa," saays gintlemon, 
 "DOCTER Watts." "Ah whoape he cuered t' peuple 
 weel," saays ah. "Not a docter ov Med'sin," saays he, 
 "bud a docter ov Divinnitty." "Oh!" saays ah, as 
 mitch i' t' daark as ivvir ; bud ah lit him goa on. 
 " Thur's Watts, Dooghall Stooart, Smeeath, Reeid, Lewis,
 
 121 
 
 Mills, an' ithirs fer mintal stoodents. RHETTORRICK an' 
 EDDICASHUNAL WAARKS cooms nixt, wi' Million, Poapc, 
 Booms." Noa all's wrang, gintlemon didna saay that 
 ah'v possed mah nooates oop "POOETRY" cooms foiret, 
 wi', ah think, BROOM, BLAACKSTAANE, DICKENS, COOAK, 
 THAAKERRY. Noa, all's wrang agin ! he didna poot it that 
 waay ; thoase chaaps coom oonder JURRYSPRUDINSE. 
 Ah'v mad' a tengle altegithur ov what gintlemon saaid ; 
 an' ah canna git it oot. Ah'v gat heare POLLITIKAL 
 ECCONNOMY, an' thin cloas by thur's t' naames ov Riynolds, 
 Pttgin, Flaaxmon, Toorner, Rooskin, an' soom ithir chaaps 
 ah'v gat on an aud enveloop o' Meary's. Thin ah'v gat 
 writ FEEN AARTS, wi' Adaam Smeeath, Riccaddo, an' 
 Cobdin, i' wun cornir ; bud they doan't seeam t' belang 
 tiv Feen Aarts. USEFOOL AARTS cooms nixt on mah 
 papper, wi' Shaakespeear ; bud that canna be, thof his 
 aart wur a usefool wun fer oor haarts an' braains ; ah'v 
 yeard ov Shaakespeear afoor. Ah'v gat POOETRY an' 
 DRAMMAH, wi' 20 paages agin it ; an' 80 paages agin 
 NOVVILS, EOMAANCES, an' MISSELLANNEUS. As gintlemon 
 gat tit ind ov kattalog he laffed, an' saaid, " We've gat evin 
 A SLAANG DICKSHONNARRY fer oor roofs, an' BUKS FER T' 
 BLOIND : a whoal paage fool o' Histories, Taales, an' 
 guid waarks." " That's noable," saays ah ; " ah'v seein 
 bloind min reeadin' wi' thur finners, an' its varry gooid 
 t' foind 'em buks ; bud ah doan't loike that Slaang 
 Dickshonnarry , It isna quoite t' thing ; bairns an' bits o' 
 boys larn slaang sooin enuf, wi'oot havin' that buk t' 
 goa tiv." 
 
 Ah thin thaanked gintlemon moast sinceerly, an' tould 
 him hoo pleeased an' prood ah wur t' sea Shevvild foaks 
 treein' t' spreead eddicashun, an' gie innercent meeans o' 
 amoosemint tit peuple, an' weean 'em awaay fra pooblic- 
 hooses, an' drinkin' plaaces ; an' ah saaid ah whoaped 
 soom deay ivviry toon i' Englaand wi' ha' a Free 
 Librayry." " Ah whoape soa too, mah freend," saaid 
 gintlemon, " an' we shall advaance, noa doot. tiv a better 
 futoor. We're noo oapenin' braanches o' t' Librayry i' t' 
 ootskirts ; fer monny foaks canna coom intul toon t' 
 chaange thur buks." "Caapital!" creed ah, "yoh'v
 
 122 
 
 soom greeat idees oonder a' yoor smooak ; an* ah'll 
 leeave Shevvild better pleeased thon ah intered it." An' 
 we wished eeach ithir " gooid deay." Arter gintlemon 
 lift, ah stoapped reeadin' a bit. Ah gat hoold ov a foonny 
 buk wi' a' soarts o' daates an' noates aboot Shevvild. 
 Heare's wun or twea : 
 
 A.D. 1160. " Foirst Iron Waarks 1 f Shevvild:' That's 
 a lang whoile agoa ! 
 
 A.D. 1571. " Toon Troosteas Sot oop a Pillor //."" Sit 
 it oop agin," thinks ah, " an' poot sassage mon in foirst 1" 
 
 A.D. 1696. " Foirst Brick Hoose f Shevvild." An' noo 
 they've tins ov thahsands ; bud they're pooir, poaky, 
 wholes maistly ; an' noa yaards t' swing a caat evin. 
 Ah doan't think we mun booast too mitch ov t' increease ! 
 Thur's noa coomfert or heealth wi'oot raahm t r 
 breeath ! 
 
 A.D. 1749. " Cootler'sFeeast, coast 42/9, hawfpaaid oot ov 
 stock." Themwurt'raal gooid aud toimes ; noo Cootlers ha' 
 gat a graand Haall i' Shevvild fer feeastin', which coast 
 thahsands oopon thahsands; an' voate '200 a yeear t' 
 thur rneaster fer groob. Ah whoape they'll lit t' croombs 
 o' thur taable goa tiv pooir ! 
 
 Ah lift Librayry, an' wiiit tit Pooblic Baaths, sit oop by 
 t' Corperashun. Ivvirythin' is noice an' weel arraanged 
 thur ; bud whur i' t' warld they git thur cleean watter 
 fra ah donna knaw ; that poozles ma ! Thin ah wint 
 tiv man Inn an' mah bid, eearly enuf, as ah wur teerd 
 oot. Nixt moorn off ah goas tiv Staashun ; an', rnarsy 
 on ma ! who shud ah meeat bud aud Langrick agin ; 
 bud ah'll leeave him, an' oor adventoores tegithur, fer 
 anithir artikcle.
 
 AH GOA DOON INTUL A BAIRNSLA COOAL 
 PIT, AN' GIT WEEL PAAID FEE MAH ' 
 FOND LAARK. 
 
 " Holla, Langrick," saays ah, shaakiii' his hond nearly 
 off ; " Lord-a-blessee, who'd a thout ov rneeatin' thee at 
 Shewild ?" " Why," saays he, " ah've coom tit funiral 
 ov mah nevvy : bud ah'm reight glaad t' sea thee, aud 
 fellar. Did aud womon gie it thee aboot Doncaaster, 
 aye ?" an' he poaked ma i' t' ribs ! " Aye, bud she did !" 
 saays ah, " an' she'll neer forgit it, ah think ; she laays 
 it on pratty thick aboot drinkin', an' raaces, an' low 
 coonipany whinivvir ah gie her a chaance, or poot her 
 oot " " T' saame heare," saays Langrick; "ah copped 
 it, ah did ! bud we're free men noo, aye, Goorkrodger ? 
 an' con goa an' doa as we loike !" " Noa," saays ah, 
 "ah mun be whoame t' moorn; ah promessed aud 
 Deeajne, an' ah kip mah ward far as ah con." 
 
 "Pettycoate goovernmint !" saays he ; " whot differ con 
 it mak' soa as yoh git whoame afoor neight ? Its varry 
 eearly noo, coom wi' mah tiv Bairnsla ah'v bizziness 
 thur an' yoh con goa on by anithur eearly traain; aud 
 freends loike oos ha' varry mitch t' taalk aboot, an' 
 sildom meeat." 
 
 Weel, he parswaded ma t' buk oanly tiv Bairnsla, an' 
 off we wint. Langrick had gotten soom bizziness aboot 
 cooals t' doa, soa we wint fra Stashun t' Collyerrees.
 
 124 
 
 " Asta ivvir beein doon a Cooal Pit, Goorkrodger ?" saaid 
 he tiv ma, ,whin we gat neear wun. " Noa," saays ah, 
 " an' donna waant t' goa." " Yoor noat afeeard o' t' 
 daark ?'' saays he. " Ah'm noat afeeard at a','' saays ah ; 
 " bud what use con it be bud t' git cooals ?" " Monny 
 foaks goa doon," saays Langrick, " oot ov curiossity, an' t' 
 saay they've beein. It's a curius soight, ah'm tould, 
 an' ah loike t' sea a' ah con i' t' warld." " Oh ! soa doa 
 ah fer that faact," saays ah ; " bud what's t' use ov 
 moockin' yoor cleas fer sike a soight ?" " Noa neead ov 
 that," saays he ; " we con chaange oor cleas an' poot 
 a collyer's duds on, an' chaange agin whin we coom oop. 
 Mah broothur wint doon, an' he tould ma it tak's varry 
 lahtle toime, an' it's a raare oot ov t' waay koind ov pic- 
 tur t' sea an' taalk aboot arterwaards." 
 
 Weel, arter a lang discooshon loike, we baith agreead t' 
 goa doon intul pit. " Bud," saays ah, " who'll gae foirst ?" 
 We'd agreead t' tak' it i' toorns, an' fer wun t' stoap at 
 top an' moind tithers cleas. " We'll toass," saays Lang- 
 rick, an' oop he sint saxpinse. " Yed," saays ah. "Taal," 
 saays he ; it wur a taal, an' ah hed t' goa foirst. We wint 
 intul ingine hoose, aboon shaaft o' pit ; an ah poot on a 
 collyer's greeasy moocky duds, wi' an aud caap ; ah mun 
 ha' leuked a gui fox, ah mun ; Langrick an' collyers roond 
 did laf a bit ! Mah new cooat an' troosers wur a mahle 
 too sma', an' cam hawf waay oop mah ligs an' airms ; bud 
 they'd nae ithirs, an' ah wur fooarced t' tak' 'em. Ah 
 cudna bootten' waaistcooat nae hoo, soa ah teed a bit ov 
 string tiv boottens an bootten hoales, an' kip 'em tegither 
 that waay ! 
 
 " A' reeady," a mon creed oot noo ; " shift's gaein' 
 doon;" an' ah wint oot an' gat intul caage, as they caw 
 a koind ov iron box faastined wi' roapes an' chaains 
 heigh oop tiv a soart ov gallus " Yed geear," they caw 
 it. Ah saays, " Gooid bye, Langrick ! yoor toorn nixt !" 
 an' mon set windin' ingine a-moshun ; an' doon we wint 
 intul t' booels ov t' yearth ! Lower an' lower, t' shaaft 
 haardly bigger thon a gooid-soized well; t' leight oop 
 aboon growin' less an' less, oor laamps growin' breighter 
 an' breighter, an' mah maates, iwiry noo an* thin,
 
 125 
 
 shewin' thur whoite teeath varry wlioite wi' thur 
 blaack faaces aii' thinkin' it foine foon, noa doobt, t' ha' 
 sike a comraade. 
 
 Lower an' lower ! Ah'd uoa noshun it wur sike a waay 
 doon ! Collyer chaaps grimmaacin' , an' makkin' sly 
 joakes on mah cleas an' leuks. 
 
 Lower an' lower ! Ah treed t' leuk ower soide. 
 " Moind ! moind ! thou'll owerset caage !" creed a mon 
 they caw'd Bootty ; an' he wur as faat as bootter, wi' a 
 faace loike a Chesshur cheeis. They'd poot him in t' 
 baalance ma ! 
 
 Lower an' lower ! tull ah thout ah wur mahles doon i' 
 t' yearth. " Ah donna relish this at a'," saays ah t' 
 niesel ; "ah wish ah wur weel oot ov it ; bud ah munna 
 show t' whoite feeathur ; ah mun caarry it throf noo, 
 an' mak' beast ov it !" an' ah taalked oonconsarned loike 
 tiv Bootty an' ithirs. 
 
 Doon! doon! lower! lower! " Whin wull ah git tit 
 botham," thinks ah. " Ah wish aud Deeame cud sea ma 
 noo. Ah'v yeard Meary reead aboot foaks i' Horsetrallyer 
 beein' oor Hanttippodees, which meeans oonder oor fit, 
 tithir soide o' t' waarld. Iv they goa on diggin' an' 
 diggin' this waay, they'll git tit Hanttippodees, an' we 
 con goa tiv Melboorne, t' geeeat gowd toon ah'v yeard 
 aboot, slaap baang throf t' booels ov t' yearth !" 
 
 Lower an' lower still ! " Mah ee, bud this pit's a deeap 
 uu," saays ah tiv Bootty. " Kaythur," saays he, " bud 
 uoathin' tiv t' Oaaks wun, wur 360 min an' boys loast 
 thur loives soom. toime agoa." " Hoo ?" saays ah. "By 
 an' exploshun," saays he; " ah expict we'll ha' an 
 exploshun i' oor pit soom deay ; it's a varry fierry wun, 
 an' onny thing maay sit gaass afoire, an' thin aftur- 
 daamp wi' finish oos a' off i' nae toime." " Ah wish ah'd 
 a knawn that afoor," saaid ah. " Weel," saaid Bootty, 
 " we're i' daanger deay an' neight, an' git used tiv it ; bud it 
 dusna seeam reight that a thahsand pooir fellars shud be 
 killed ivviry yeear i' oor pits, gittin' cooal fer foaks' cooni- 
 fert." "A thahsand a yeear!" saays ah ; "we've wun 
 monny a greeat baattle wi' less loass o' min than that ; its 
 a shaame an' a sin ; bud con it bea hindered ?" " Yea, it
 
 126 
 
 con, i' greeat measshur," saaid mon, " by haavin 1 mair 
 shaafts, bettur riggulashuns, an' gooid inspeckshun l>nd 
 heare we air at botham." 
 
 Glaad ah wur t' git oot ov caage, an' stritch mab ligs a 
 bit ; bud ab badna rnitcb raabni or toime. Bootty wint 
 on tbrof laaug narrer paassaages, wi' shoiney blaack 
 deeamons a' roond, an' blaack deenaons a gettin' 'eni ! 
 In soom woider pleeaces greeat loomps ov cooal loike pil- 
 lers bild oop t' rooif, an' collyer cbaps wur a' roond wi' 
 laamps an' picks, soom staandin', soom sittin', soom 
 kneealin', soom ivin Hggin' doon. " Staand by," mon 
 saaid i' wun pleeace, " corves air coomin'." " Cawves ?" 
 saays ah ; " doa yob kip coos doon heeare ?" " We've 
 hoarses," saays he, " i' soom pits, bud noa coos, as ah 
 knaw ov." He shewed ma oopcaast shaaft an' foornaace 
 drift, an' explaained hoo t' fooul air is sint oot an' freeash 
 gat in. " Ventilaashun, that's t' greeat thing i' a' 
 collyerees, an' it's a' a matter ov expinse," saaid Bootty. 
 " Measters soomtoimes saave thur brass, an' pooir fellars 
 loase thur loives." We gat foorthur an foorthur intul t' 
 booels ov t 1 yearth. Ah cud soomtoimes baarely breeath. 
 " Ah whoape thur's nae aftur-daamp heeare," thinks ah ; 
 "it's a feearfool thing t' ha' deeath neear yoh deay an' 
 neight, an' meeat it i' sike a pleeace, far fra a' humaan 
 aaid !" T' git t' gaainest waay tit biggest pairt ovmoine, 
 thur wur a narrer paassaage loike, coot throf t' cooal, an' 
 it wur soa loo, collyers had t' creeip on bonds an' kneeas. 
 Ah wint foirst, an' ah hadna gaen twinty fit, whin ah 
 stoock faast, an' cudna goa baackards or forrards ! 
 
 Bootty beyant saays, " Yoh mun git on." Ah saays, 
 " Ah canna !" He saays, " Bud yoh'll bloack oop pit, 
 an' kip nixt shift waaitin' ; an' mabbe they'll toorn 
 staark giddy, as they saay i' mah pairt that's aangry 
 maad oor collyer chaaps air not t' beast timpered--au' 
 gie it thee m' thur picks." " Oh marsy," saays ah, ' iv 
 ah'd known ov this jubblemint afoor ma, ah'd beean noau 
 soa keen coomin' doon ; ah canna moave aither waay. 
 Oh graashus ! ah'll be boorried aloive !" an' ah did git 
 flay'd a bit, ah oan it ; ah treed an' treed t' git throf, or 
 poosh baack ; t' sweeat an' moock fra t' cooals raan a'
 
 127 
 
 doon mah faace, bud all cudna stir. " Iv ah git oot ov 
 this mess, ah'll nivvir gang doon a cooal pit agin i' mah 
 loife," thinks ah. Ah cudna moave ! ah wur doon 
 oop, an' faair staalled ; an' ah laay doon, ah did, an' 
 paanted fer breeath loike a jaack haare wi' t' doags 
 beyant. Bootty ah cud heear sweearin' tiv hissel ; an' 
 saays he, " This wullna doa; let's pool thee baack !" an' 
 he toogged at mah ligs tull ah thout they'd coom oot ov 
 joints, an' ah gerned alood ! " "Weel," saays Bootty, 
 " this is a noice goa. stoappin' t' ventillashun, an' an 
 exploshun reeady t' coom onny minnit !" Ah gerned 
 agin ! ah cudna healp it ; ah'd t' yed-waark baad enuf, 
 an' ah thout ov whoame, an' Deeame, an' Meary. " Iv 
 ah wur thee," saays Bootty, " ah'd poosh throf toom hoo, 
 an* snoin. We've soom desp'raate chaaps i' this shift; 
 an', iv thee dizzant inoind, they'll think naught o' pootin' 
 soom blaastin' paahder roond thy boady, an' blooin' thee 
 oot." " Oh hivins !" saays ah, an' ah gerned ower agin ; 
 " doan't saay that, ah'm dooin' mah beast." Ah noo 
 mad' a greeat draag forrad, an' aftur teearin' mah collyer 
 cleas, an' makkin' mah noase an' boath mah kneeas 
 bleeid, ah foarced mah waay oot. 
 
 Ah'd noo gat iutul a laarge raahm loike, wi' pillers ov 
 cooal an' timber heeare an' thur t' kip oop rooif. 
 Noombers ov collyer chaps wur gaen aboot, an' warkin' 
 loike sperits ov daarkniss. A laad who cam' doon wi' ma 
 i' t' caage, tould who ah wur ; an' sooin' they cam' roond 
 ma i' cloosters, grimmacin', an' showin' thur teeath ; an' 
 it wur, " Fuottin" 1 brass! Foottin 1 brass! plaze, Sur, noo 
 yoftre loomed collyer .'" a' roond ; an' they hild oot thur 
 inoocky paws fer munny ! " Ah'm hawf deead," saays ah, 
 " an' ah've gat naught wi' ma ; mah duds air aboon, whur 
 ah wish ah wur ! Ah'll goa noo !" " Noa," saays a big 
 oogly boolly ov a fellar, " that wullna doa wi' oos ; yoh con 
 sind oop, an' we'll git a gallon ov yale doon.-" " Ah saay 
 Ezra,'' saaid he tiv anither collyer, bigger thon hissen, 
 " doa ye moiud t' aud fellar who wadna paay his 'foottin' 
 brass ' laast moonth, hoo we kipt him doon i' t' pit twea 
 deays an' neights ? we'll be obligaated t' doa saame 
 noo, ah think !" Collyers a' roond ma did leuk visshus
 
 128 
 
 loike, shaakin' thur laamps an' sliaatin', " Foottin' brass, 
 Foottin' brass ! gie oos oor Foottin' brass !" 
 
 Ah reeally think they'd a poised ma, or shoot ma oop, 
 Whin Bootty cam' forrad, an' saays he, "Ah'll lind 
 gintlemon hawf-a-craawn." All gav' it t' grinnin' chaaps 
 roond, an' they gav' ma three cheears, an' poot a pick i' 
 mah hond ; an' ah doog soom cooal oot, " foirst raate," 
 they saaid. 
 
 Ah thin mad' mah waay t' shaaft botham. Caage wur 
 reeady t' goa oop ; ah gat in glaad enuf, an' wur sooin at 
 .top, haawf bloinded wi' t' soon-leight, bud thaankfool 
 enuf t' sea it agin. Ah leuked roond fer Langrick, bud 
 cudna sea him ; ah caw'd an' caw'd bud gat noa aanswur. 
 T' pleeace at toap seeamed dissaarted loike. Soom waay 
 off thur wur a greeat crood shaatin', an' grooanin', an* 
 thrawin' staanes. "What's oop ?" saays ah tiv a collyer 
 roonnin' tiv crood. " Thur's a skermaage gaein' on," 
 saays he ; " thim gooid-fer-nowts ov blaack sheeap wull cop 
 it ; ah allus saaid they'd doa thursens a mischeef at 
 laast." An' off he wint, shaatin' " Noa blaack sheeap ! 
 doon wf blaack sheeap!" All shaated, too, " Langrick ! 
 Langrick !" bud nae Langrick cam'. " Hasta seein a 
 mon moindin' soom cleeas ?" saaid ah tiv a collyer bairn 
 staandin' by. " Thur's a mon ower thur roonnin' 
 awaay wi' a boondle ov cleas, ah think," saays bairn ; 
 " he's roabbed 'em." An' seer enuf a mon wur gangin' 
 awaay doon heigh rooad, wi' a big boondle. " They've 
 sot oopon an' roabbed pooir Langrick," thinks ah; "ah 
 mun git mah cleas, an' thin coom baack an' seeak him." 
 An' off ah wint arter mon; he seeid mah cooniin', an' off 
 he wint faaster, (this maade ma certaain he'd gat mah 
 cleeas). He wur gaein' alang pike; whin ah raan, he 
 raan ; whin ah waalked, he waalked ; whin ah reasted 
 an' ah wur that winded, ah wur foarced soomtoimes t 1 
 stoap he reasted. This wint on fer mahles, an' ah kipt 
 him i' soight, bud ah gaained varry lahtle on him. Ah 
 gat oonder a raailwaay brig, an' thin t' rooad tak's a 
 greeat roond by a pleeace they caw Kixbroof, ah think. 
 Foaks wur oot alang rooad, wimmin an' bairns, an' they 
 shaated, " Blaack sheeap ! blaack sheeap !" arter ma ; an*
 
 129 
 
 soom sint staanes at ma. Ah mun a leaked a blaack 
 sheeap, ah think. " Oh, t' weeary deay ah caame t' 
 Bairnsla !" thinks ah; "pooir Langrick ! they'v taen him, 
 an' roabbed him, an' praaps moordered him ! Weeas ma ! 
 weeas ma !" 
 
 Foaks that met ma did staare at ma, an' tvvea pollis- 
 rnin waaitin' an' waatchin', seeamed dispoased t' tak' ma 
 oop. " That chap's a ringleeder, ah doa beleeave," saays 
 wun tit ithir. " We've nae prooif," saays tither, " an' it 
 isna saafe t' tak' him wi' that crood coomin' on ; bud leuk 
 at him, an' mark his faace weel." Ah meeant t' ask thur 
 hilp, bud what they saaid flay'd ma. " They'll nivvir be- 
 leeave ma; they tak 1 ma fer a collyer i' thease things," 
 saays ah t' mesel, an' soa ah wint on arter mon. He wur a 
 thin, woiry fellar, an' kep' a yed o' ma a' alang. At laast he 
 toorned roond, savaage loike, an' saays he, "What air yoh 
 a-follerin' ov ma fer ? It's a free lond. Iv ah chuse t' wark 
 oot ov Uniyon, ah wull ! Ah've gat yoh awaay fra ithir 
 chaaps, an'noo ah'llfeight or caw pollist'yoh!" " Ah'll caw 
 pollis !" saays ah ; " 'gie ma that boondle !" "Ah wullna," 
 saays he. "Thin ah'll tak' it," saays ah. " Wilta ?" 
 saays he. " Ah knaw hoo monny beeans mak' foive, an' 
 ah doan't think thoo wilt !" At it we wint tooin' at 
 paircil. Arter a toog or twea, papper cam' off, an' oot 
 dropped a greeat looaf, a loomp ov baccon, a paair ov and 
 booats, a durty shurt, an' warse soacks, an' a raagged 
 waaistcooat ! Ah wur doomfoonded ! " Iv ah'm a blaack 
 sheeap," saays he, " ah'll let thee sea a blaack sheeap con 
 boot;" an' afoor ah knawed it, he poot doon his yed an' 
 raan intul mah stoomark. Ah wur woinded afoor, an' 
 noo ivviry blessed breeath seeamed broded oot o' ma ! 
 Ah sot doon on bonk-soide, whoile mon picked oop his 
 things, an' wur off agin loike a laampleightur. " Gooid 
 bye, aud chap," saays he ; " ah think yoh've had enuf ! Goa 
 whoame an' leeave blaack sheeap aloane !" Ah didna 
 ansur him ; ah wur too oot ov woind, an' fool ov thout. 
 "What mun ah doa," thinks ah. "Ah've coom foive 
 mahles, mabbe, arter nout ; ah mun noo goa baack ! 
 Oh, weeas ma ! weeas ma !" As ah wur toornin 1 t' gang 
 baack t' Bairnsla, a collyer chaap caame roonuin' oop, an' 
 
 i
 
 130 
 
 saays he, " Sodgers air oot, an' makkin' reeady t' foire; 
 staanes air gaeiu' loike haale ; roon, roon fer yoor loife ! 
 they're coomin' this waay ! they're coornin' this waay ! 
 we'll be moordered !" an' off he wint. Ithirs caame 
 raaciii', too, an' ah, loike a sheeap, raaced off wi' em. Ah 
 raan tull ah gat neear a staashun. Hoo ah langed fer a 
 shillin' or twea t' taake traain. Ah seearched i' t' beeastly 
 collyer duds ah'd gat on. This is a' ah foond i' t' durty 
 pokkets : 
 
 1. A tikket fer a Eaaffel fer a poopp bool doag ; "foirst raate 
 breeid" it saaid. 
 
 2. A shoart claay poipe. 
 
 3. A saang aboot t' " Jooavil Pooachurs. " 
 
 4. A bit ov aud roape, soom cooal doost, brid croombs, an' cheease 
 paarrin's 
 
 an'thatwur a'. " Weel," saays ah, " ah'm in fer it ! Oh that 
 cooal pit ! that wreatched cooal pit. They've moordered 
 pooir Langrick, an' stoalen rnah cleeas, nae doobt ; an' noo 
 ah mun waalk whoame i' thease beeastly things ! Thur's 
 naethin' else fer it." Soa ah teed bit ov roape toight 
 roond mah waaist, t' kip hoonger doon, an' off ah wint 
 fer Bonnybeck on Shenk's poany. 
 
 T' mak' a lang stoary shoart arter draaggin' alang 
 mahles arter mahles, faaint, an' a'maist droappin' wi' 
 hoonger an' thoirst pollis an' peuple leukin' at ma loike 
 a maad doag ah gat intul Bonnybeck at twea o'clock i' 
 t' moorn, that dun oop ah cud baarely drag wun lig arter 
 tithir. Ah gat oop t' broo soomhoo, an' maade fer mah 
 deer, Jowler growlin' loike maad. As ah knoacked at 
 deer, aud Deeame leuked oot ov winder, an', ha\vf 
 scrimmin', dreaw baack agin. " Theeaves ! theeaves ! 
 moorder ! moorder !" Meary an' her begaan shaatin' ; an' 
 she caw'd oot, " Goa awaay, goa awaay, or ah'll foire 
 bloonderboos !" an' ah yeard her click t' coack, t' maake 
 reeady. I' a moament winder wur pooshed ooapen, an' 
 aud Deeame she's graand ploock, she lies lit's fly. 
 Shot caame jist ower mah yed ; an' ah did shaat oot, ah 
 did. 
 
 Meary had let Jowler loase ; he cam' an' rooshed oop
 
 131 
 
 tiv ma, bud he smilt ma, an' his quiateniss an' mah 
 nooise tould who ah wur. They oapened deer, an' thin 
 ah did cop it ! " It's a rnarsy,"' saaid aud Deeame, ' ah 
 didna shooit thy hraains oot, iv thou hast onny i' thy 
 skool ! What dost thoo meean coomin' whoame at this 
 hoor, an' i' thease filthey moocky cleeas ?" " Fer marsy 
 saake," saays ah, "gie ma summat t' eeat an' drink ; ah'm 
 welly clammed oot ; an' ah'll explarain it a' tiv thee i' t' 
 moorn." Bud she wad git it oot ov ma at onst ; soa arter 
 a few moothfools, an' a drew o' yale, ah tould Deeame an' 
 Meary mah taale. Ah indid by saayin', " Ah'll nivvir goa 
 doon a cooal pit agin, as lang as ah liv' ; that ah'll proo- 
 mise thee, Deeame !" il It's eeasy enuf t' taalk that waay 
 noo," saays she ; " bud nae wun wi' a nounce o' sinse 
 wud gae doon a cooal pit at a'. It's mah beleef, Tim, 
 thou'rt beean foodlin', an' gat intul loo coompaany." 
 " Nobbut Langrick," saays ah. " T' haangmint tak' that 
 Langrick," creed aud Deeame ; " ah havna forgotten Don- 
 caaster yit, an' yoor foand gaame tegither ; he shaall 
 nivvir daarken mah deer agin, iv ah knaws it ; he'll git t' 
 thible stick iv he doa, or warse. Yoor noat a drinkin' 
 mon, Tim, bud that Langrick has led yoh intul soom 
 room coompaany, an' yoh've beean oop tiv yoor laarks ; 
 he con staand mair yale thon yoh : ' whin t' yale's in, 
 t' wit's oot ;' an' yoh've chaanged cleas wi' a durty, 
 naasty, moocky collyer ! Ah whoape yoor ashaamed ov 
 yoorsel, an' yoor foand spreeas ! A noice bran new cooat, 
 an' troosers, an' waaistcooat, swapped fer thim filthey 
 things a raag mon wudna pick oop. Yoh maay goa 
 aboot, an' tit choorch i' yoor collyer's duds ; ah'm seer ah 
 donna knaw whur yoh'll git new wuns." Ah wur riled a 
 bit, an' ah saays, " Pra Talleymon !" bud as ah saw a 
 stoorm abrewin', ah saaid, " let ma eeat an' drink i' 
 peeace, fer ah'm faair staalled ; an' yoh maay pitch intul 
 ma i' t' moorn, fer ah knaws ah desarve it. Ah've beean 
 a feeol, ah awn it ! Thur, wull that doa ?" That 
 paacified aud Deeame ; she saw ah wur doon oop, an' she 
 hasn a a baad haart at botham. She's a timper ov her 
 awn ; bud she wad goa tit warld's ind fer ma or Meary. 
 Ah gat t' bid, an' wur faast asleeap whin t' poastmon
 
 182 
 
 caame i' t' moorn wi' a letter fer ma. Ah oapened it, an' 
 this is what ah red insoide : 
 
 " MAH DEEAK GOORKRODGEK, 
 
 "Hoo i' t' waarld did ah miss yoh this moorn? Yoh kipt ma 
 soa lang waaitin', ah gat toired ov leukin' doon shaaft, an' cooutin' 
 t' Icoads ov cooals that cam' oop ; soa ah toorned intul t' Joally 
 Collyer Pooblic Hoose, an' tould a rnon at pit baank t' lit yoh knaw 
 whur all wur. It seeams thur wur a' roo amang t' Collyers, an' mou 
 raau off t' sea t' foon. Foaks hed seein yoh roonnin', an' saaid yoh 
 wur flayed at t' noise. Ah canna mak' it oot. Yoor cleas an' 
 rnuimy air a' saafe, an' ah'll sind 'em, iv yoh wreet an' saay yoh've 
 gat whoame. Iv yoh did wi' them beeastly duds on, ah 'spects yoh 
 copped it fra aud womaan ! an' noa misteeak ! She knaws hoo t' use 
 her rid raag, she doa ! Nivvir moind, aud freend, we'll meeat agin 
 soom deay, an' whur thur's uae wimmin koind t' look oos oop, an' 
 spoil oor pleeasure wi' thur catterwaulin'. 
 
 " Yoors trooly, 
 
 " ABRAAM LANGRICK." 
 
 " ' Aud womaan? ' rid mag,' ' catterwaulin'' ;' thim noice 
 waards t' be used tiv yoor woife, Tim! Iv yoh're a mon 
 yoh'll lit that Langrick knaw yoh'll noat poot oop wi' 
 sike insoolts !" saaid Deeame. An' iv Meary an' her 
 didnt maake oop a letter fer Langrick, an' gat ma t' soign 
 it ; enuf t' maake a' saaint oot ov timper. It hoort pooir 
 Langrick's feealins, ah knaw, an' fra that deay tiv this 
 ah'v nivvir seein him, thof ah'v gotten a noice letter fra 
 him, as a few paages niair wull shew. Ah gat mah cleeas ; 
 an' mah sooit ov Collyer's duds air i' t' loaft noo. Onny 
 wun who con descraihe 'em, is quiate welcoom tiv 'em. 
 Ah'd be varry glaad to be shut ov 'em.
 
 HOO SQUEEK FOOT T' QUAACKS OOP 
 FOOTS A QUAACK DOON. 
 
 At wun toime a' oor pleeace roond ivviry blaank 
 waall, ivviry yat poast fer mahles aboot Bonnybeck, 
 wur coovered wi' beeastly bills ov soom shaam doctur i' 
 Leeads. T' papper wur that thin, an' t' paaste that 
 straang, yoh cudna git bills off wi'oot a vaast ov trooble ; 
 an' iv yoh did git 'em off wun deay, t' nixt oop freash 
 wuns wud bea agin ! It wur a raare noosance, ah con 
 tellee ; fer yoong an' aud, bairns, an' lasses evin, wud 
 reead t' beeastley things, an' they wur nae fit fer onny 
 deacent foaks t' leuk at. Ah eout fellar a loo, impudint 
 toon chap paastin' 'em oop on a waall, an' saays ah, 
 " We're noat agaein' t' ha' thim filthey bills i' oor 
 village ; tak' 'em awaay ; goa baack tiv Leeads." " Is it 
 yoor waall ?" saays he, bould as braass. " Noa," saays ah, 
 " or ah'd sooin ha' yoor bills an' paaste pot, an' yoor 
 oogly caarcass off t' groond !" " Thur's twea wards t' 
 that baargaain," saays mon, gaein' on paastin' ; " this is a 
 free lond ; thur's nae law aginpoottin' bills oop, an' advar- 
 tysin'." Weel, we foond we cud dca nout agin him ; 
 treeas, brigs, waalls, yats, wur kipt -coovered wi' t' docters 
 bills ; an' his mon, ah think, cam' twoice as oft t' oor 
 pleeace as onny, bacas ov oor objickshuns. Squeer saays, 
 " Ah'll noat ha' this ; ah'll poot yon fellar doon, by mah 
 trooly wull ah !" An' he wint to printurs, an' gat soom 
 Doocks mad', wi' "Quaack! Quaack! Quaack ! ! !" on a 
 tung coomin' oot ov doock's mooth. 
 
 Squeer gat soorn thahsands o' thease, on lang slips ov
 
 134 
 
 thin papper ; an' whinivvir mon paasted ooop sliaam 
 docter's bills, off soom .o' oos Bonnybeck chaaps wint, an' 
 paasted Doocks wi' "Quaack! Quaack ! ! Quaack ! ! !" reight 
 acrass, an' oonder sliaam docter's naame. 'Mali ee! mon 
 wur i' a raage. " What doa yoh meean," saays he, 
 " a-spoilin' man bills ? Ah'll lit yoh knaw iv yoh donna 
 gie it oop !" Ah saays, " Its a free lond ; thurs na^e. laaw 
 agin paastin' picters oop /" an' at it we wint. He paasted, 
 we paasted ;. Bills wint oop, Doocks wint oop ; thin Bills 
 ower Doocks, an' Doocks ower Bills ; bud we beeat him, 
 an' arter a weeak's feight, Quaack ! Quaack ! ! Quaack ! ! ! 
 droave t' Quaack oot ov Bonnybeck, an' he nivvir caame 
 agin. Ah'll rickommind foaks a' ower Yarkshure t' doa 
 t' saame. Eoages a' pretinders ov a' soarts con staand 
 onnythin' bud bein' laffed at. That wull shoot 'em oop, 
 iv naught else wull !
 
 AH'M TAEN, AN' TAEN IN BY A 
 FOTTYGMAPHEB. 
 
 Yan simmer, a chaap wi' a soart ov vaan poot on a 
 sma' peeace ov waaist graass, by t' rooad soide at 
 Bonnybeck, an' sint arooiid bills wi' this on 'em : 
 
 X 
 
 Begs to infoorm t' Nobillity, Gintry, an' Pooblic OY this y 
 Loocallity, that he wull tak' thim 
 
 . 
 
 IIST IPTJEIRIS 3ST^.TTEK,-A-LLIBOOS , ^ 
 
 THAT IS, Y 
 
 o 
 
 "ACCORDIN' TO NATTUR," X 
 
 y 
 
 as the greeat Grik pooet saays ; an' at t' sma' chaarge o' WUN g 
 SHILLIN' each, or FOIVE AN' SAXPINCE fer a Doozen splindid, A 
 foirst-raate 
 
 CAIRTS DU R VISSIT. 
 
 N.B. Noa connixshun mV onny ither Smiths.
 
 136 
 
 Mearj 7 saays, " Oh, feythur, doa ha 1 yoor loikeness 
 taen ; yoh knaw mitlier an' ah ha' oors. Yoh allus 
 objick, bud ah think yoh wull noo, as t' mon is cloase tiv 
 oos; doa, feythur, t' pleease wa." " Hoo doa ah knaw 
 he's a guid un at it ?" saays ah. " Leuk, feythur !" saays 
 she, " thur's t' Eoyaal Cooat ov Airms a' toap." " That 
 coonts fer noathin'," saays ah ; " ivviry baaker's baag, 
 ivviry 'baacca papper has t' pooir aud Lion an' Unecoorn 
 on 1100 ; they're makkin' thim annimals saadly too 
 cheeap, ah think. Whin ah wur a bairn, yoh hed t' paay 
 aguid roond soom t' use Koyaal Cooat ov Airms ; an' 
 foaks thout 'em soommat graand an' noable, staandin' 
 fer t' King loike, bud noo they're thout lahtle or naethin' 
 ov ; they're too cheeap, too cheeap. Meary." " Bud thin, 
 feythur, he taakes t' loikeness," Meary wint on, " ov t' 
 Kaam ov Tartarry, an' t' Imperor ov Morrocko." " Ah 
 nivvir yeard ov thim chaaps," saays ah. ' " An' thur's t' 
 Prince ov "Whaales," saays she. " Ah whoape, ah doa 
 whoape, fra t' varry botham ov mah hart," saays ah, 
 " fer t' saake ov his greeat an' worthy feythur, who has 
 gaen afore ; fer t' saake ov his excillint, an' greeaf- 
 crooshed mithir, t' Prince wullna niaake hissel too cheeap. 
 Ah sea soigns ov it ; an' as a loyaal mon, ah'm sorrey fer 
 it. Thease air noat toimes t' mak' royaalty too cheeap" 
 " Weel, feythur, t' pleease ma wilta ha' thy loikeness 
 taen ?" saays Meary, an' she cooddles intul ma loike ; ah 
 cudna wi'staand that hoog, an' that kiss ! an' ah gaave 
 mah ward. Ah wint nixt deay bud wun tiv fottygraaph 
 mon, an' saays ah, "Ah'v coom t' ha' mah loikeness 
 taen." "Varry weel, sur," saays he, "sit doon, splindid 
 toime, soon shinin' glorioosly." Ah didna loike chaap; 
 ah mad' seer ah'd seein him, an' yeard his vice afoor, bud 
 ah cudna teel whur ; he wur donned oot foine, wi' big 
 chaain an' reengs, an' hed a Cockney Jewish leuk aboot 
 him. " Ah'll sooin git mah apperatoos i' oarder, sur," 
 saays he ; " wull yoh be taen soide faace or. froont ? 
 His Eoyaal Heeness ah allus taake i' froont, bud t' 
 Imperor ov Morrocko loikes t' profeel steeal beast." 
 " Ah'm loike an ool," saays ah, "fool i' t' stoomack, fool 
 i' t' faace, fool a' ower; yoh'd bettir taake ma fool."
 
 137 
 
 "Varry weel, sur," saays he, "ah loike sike a soobjict 
 as yoh ; a doosen o' cairts, ah sooppoase, sur." " Yea," 
 saays ah, " mah darter wull weant soom fer frinds an' 
 relashuus." 
 
 He thin plaaced ma i' an aud-fashuned heigh-baacked 
 cheer, wi' a toiny piller by mah soide, an 1 a voos ov 
 flooers on it, an' a coortain wi' tassils haangin' doon 
 beyant ma. Ah'd a loiked bettir t' ha' beean taen wi' a 
 plooshaare, or leea, by mah soide, an' a haay foark i' 
 mah hond ; " bud nea makkins," thinks ah, "lit chaap 
 tak' ma as he loikes." He fixed soommat reight faacin' 
 ma, as iv he wur gaein' t' shooit at ma, an', saays he, 
 " Eeeady, sur?" "Yea," saays ah. At that varry 
 moament ah cudna healp it fer mah loife ah wur 
 foarced t' .yorn, an' whin ah doa yorn, ah mak' a famus 
 mooth, ah doa. " Spoilt !" saays mon, " why didna yoh 
 kip still ? ah'll maake reeady agin; noo, sur, noo ?" Ah 
 wur beweetched that moorn, ah think, all's seer. A 
 beeast ov a fly sittled on mah noase; ah cudna staand 
 it ! ah poot t' ind ov mah thoomb quiate gintly loike t' 
 mah noase, an' fingers spreead loike a faan t' keeap 'em 
 awaay fra mah faace. Mon shaated agin, " Thur, noo ! 
 ah tould yoh t' kip quiate still; thur's anithir dun 
 wraang ; ah mun fix yer yed, ah sea." An' he poot mah 
 yed i' a masshin loike a pillory. " Ah mun roob t' 
 apperatoos wi' gowd noo, t' maake it goa reight," saays 
 mon ; " jist lind ma a sov'rin, sur, t' saave gaein' t' caash 
 box, an' kippin' yoh waaitin'." Ah haanded mon a 
 pund ; he mad' hissel hussy, an' gat a' reight agin. 
 Ah'd tied Jowler oop ootsoide ; he did howl a bit, an' 
 noo he broake looase, an' caame roonnin' an' joompin' t' 
 ma, jist as mon saays, " Steeady ! kip quiate still this 
 toime." That plaggy doag joomped intul mah laap, 
 poot his paaws on mah shoolders, an' licked mah faace. 
 " Has t' broot spoilt mah loikeness ?" saays ah t' mon ; 
 " git doon, Jowler, git doon." Mon treed t' coom neear 
 ma ; bud Jowler shoawed his teeath an' he's gat 
 twea rows o' foine uns, ah con tell'ee an' groawled soa, 
 mon drew baack. " Has he spoilt ma ?" saaid ah agin ; 
 " ah'm faast ; yoh mun loosen ma soomhoo !" " Hould
 
 138 
 
 t' doag teight," saays mon, " or ah durstna coom !" Ah 
 heald him, bud ah had a job ; mon sit mah yed free, an' 
 ah draagged Jowler oot. Mon steyked t' deer, an' creed 
 oot fra winder, " Ah'll sind yoor cairts an' t' chaange t' 
 yoor hoose, sur; whur mun it bea ?" Ah tould him, an' 
 wint off wi' Jowler. Ali'd a' t' trooble i' t' waarld t' git 
 him alang ; he'd gat soom noation i' his yed mon had 
 saarved ma baadly ; an' he treed an' treed t' git baack, 
 t' ha' it oot ov mon's baacon. Ah draagged him whoame 
 at laast, an' teed him oop ; an' wint t' mah waark, arter 
 tellin' Meary mah loikeness wud sooin be whoame. 
 
 A lahtle whoile arter, a durty soart o' a laad cam', an' 
 saays he, " Is this Mr. Goorkrodger's ?" " Yea," saays 
 aud Deeame ; " what dusta waant wi' him ?" " Mr. Smith 
 tould ma t' gie this tull him," saays laad, haandin' in a 
 paircil ; an' he wur off afoor aud Deeame cud oapen it. 
 Thur wur three doozin Cairts dur Vissit insoide, an' 
 three shillin's an' saxpinse wi' this accoont : 
 
 GOORKRODGER, EsQUEER, 
 
 Tiv ESAIAS SMITH. 
 
 s. d. 
 To 3 doozin Cairts dur Vissit a' 5/6 - - - 16 6 
 
 Keceived, 
 
 ESAIAS SMITH. 
 
 " I' t' neeame ov fortoon what's this ?" saays aud Deeame, 
 " three doozin Cairts dur Vissit ! why, Tim, yoh nivvir 
 cud ha' beean sike a feol !" " Ah nivvir oardered bud 
 wun doozin!" saays ah; "it's a mistaake." "Bud thou 
 hast paaid fer 'em," creed she ; " hoo can'st thoo staand 
 ma i' t' faace ov that ?" Ah explaained things tiv her, an' 
 she did git lungus ; " troostin' yoor haard-yearned braass 
 tiv a straanger ; yoh sea he's doon yoh ; why didna thou 
 git t' chaange at onst ?" "Why," saays ah, " ah didna 
 loike t' let him think ah cudna troost him ; ah doan't 
 loike t' heurt t' feealin's ov onny wun, iv ah con hilp it." 
 " Yoh heurt mah feealin's offen enuf," saays aud Deeame, 
 " wi' thy extravagaance an' feoolish waays ; yoh mun tak'
 
 139 
 
 twea doozin baack, Tim, an' git t' brass." " Let's leuk 
 at 'em," saays ah : we tuk 'em oop, an' o' grashus hivins ! 
 ah wur taen, an' taen in sam' toime. Foirst doozin mad' 
 ma wi' a mooth woide oapen, big enuf t' tak' a lig o' 
 mootton doon, whoale. Nixt doozin, ah wur taen a 
 soight ; mah thoomb on rnah noase, an' mah finners oot 
 loike a faan ! Thurd doozin, Jowler mad' t' yed an' 
 shoolders, wi' mah ligs oonderneeath. Hoo Deeame did 
 goa on ! It wur nae use explaainin', she wur that poot 
 oot ! " Ov a' feools," saays she, " an aud feool's t' warst ; 
 thy fond tricks wull leead thee tit galloos at laast ! ' Ah 
 wur poot oot a vaast mesel ! I' a raage ah tuk oop t' 
 Cairts an' mah haat, an' rooshed oot t' foind mon, an' git 
 mah braass baack agin. 
 
 Ah foond t' pleeace impty whur he'd beean, an' foaks 
 saaid he'd gaen off eearly ov t' moorn. Ah think an' be- 
 leeve noo t' teeastrill is t' sam' mon who cheeated foaks 
 wi' lokkets at Doncaaster. Ah'v yeard nae mair ov 
 Fottygrapher abrooad ; bud ah niwir heeare fc' laast ov 
 him a' whoame !
 
 BONNYBECK PENNEY REEADIN'S, 
 
 Ah'v spoaken onst or twoice, or mabbe mair, aboot oor 
 PENNEY BEEADIN'S ; au ! noo ah'll gie a specinaint ov 
 'em. 
 
 Maist ov oor Bonneybeck foak who've had onny koind 
 ov eddicashun, join in 'em. We're a varry uneted vil- 
 laage ; Choorch ov Englaand, Dissinturs, Katholicks, 
 Quaakers, Moormons, (we've yan o' thim queear chaps 
 heeare ; bud he's an' honnist mon, an' that's a' we o' 
 yearth con leuk tiv ; t' Creator ov oos a' wull settle t' rist 
 i' anither warld) : nivvir querrel aboot religun ; an' ah 
 think it shows min ha' varry lahtle vital religun t' querrel 
 ower it ! Let's stoody t' doctreen preeached on t' Itoorns ov 
 Hattin, THE SARMON ON T' MOONT that foondashun ov 
 a' morallity an' troo Christianitty ! an' indivoor, a' ov 
 oos who ha 1 t' meeans an' pow'r, t' doa what gooid we con 
 i 1 oor ginerashun, an' " heave f warld better nor we foond 
 it." Noo an' agin Paarson, Ministeer, Freest, Skeul- 
 measter, an' Traadesfoak, poot thur yeds tegither an' gie 
 oos a treeat at a varry cheeap raate. He mun be a 
 coodmoodgin who'd begroodge a penney fer a neight's 
 amoosemint, an' that paays gaas. Yan neight we had a 
 raare treeat : Katholick precast lint a new haarmonnium, 
 which Miss Denholm, Paarson's neece, pleed. Reverund 
 Mr. Scott, Wesleyaan Ministeer, an' Mr. Eoundhay, cheeaf 
 soopporter ov t' Indepindints, an' lots ov a' soarts wur 
 thur, an' hilped t' amoose an' instrooct t' peuple. Ah 
 wur haappy nuf t' sea t' chaarity an' fellowfeealin' 
 amang oos ; an' ah whoape an' praay it maay continue. 
 T' oogliest fellar i' oor villaage soong t' foirst peeice ;
 
 141 
 
 he's gat a rid yed, goggle ees, an' a toorn oop uoase. Ah 
 wudna mins'hun this ; bud he's soa consaaited, an' thinks 
 ivvirywun mun fa' i' luv' wi' him at foirst soight. He 
 toorned sheeap's ees at ivviry laass i' t' raahm, an' 
 begaan 
 
 " Oh ! meeit ma by moonleigbt aloaue, 
 
 An' thur ah wull tellee a taale, 
 Moost be tould by t' moonleight aloane, 
 In t' groave at t' ind ov t' vaale." 
 
 " Ah'd be varry sorry," thinks ah, " t' 
 ' iJeeat thee by moonleight aloane,' 
 
 ir ah wur a laass !" bud he saang weel, an' ah cheeared 
 him. 
 
 Then Skeualmeaster red 
 
 " Mrs. Bardel versus Mr. Pickwick;" by Dickins. 
 
 Ah loike that Piciwick, ah doa ! he's a joally, straait- 
 forrard chaap, an' ah loike him beast ov a' fer pitchin' 
 intul lawyur. He dooes tooch him on t' raaw ! Lawyur 
 tak's doon a' t' neames aud Pickwick caws him, an' saays, 
 " Praaps yoh'd loike t' kick ma doon staairs ? it'll a' add 
 t' mah ackshun fer daamages." Ah'd a taen him at his 
 waard, bleassed iv ah wudna ! an' sint him fleein' ower 
 bannisturs, t' teeastrill ! They saay thur's tin thahsand 
 ov 'em on t' "Roll" as they caw it, i' Englaand; ah 
 wish they'd roll, an' roll, an' roll ower oor cliffs, oot or 
 t' coontry, all doa. Con we woonder at t' tatee diseease, 
 caattel plaage, an' baad traade, \vi' tin thahsand sike 
 fellars amang oos ? 
 
 Emmigraashun is a' t' goa noo ; why canna 'goovemint 
 fooud a coliinny, i' a varry yat pairt, caw it New Pandy- 
 moneeum, an' sind hawf ov t' divils oaii thur ! Bud ah'ru 
 gaein' awaay fra Penney Eeeadin's. 
 
 A noice yoong chaap, i' t' draapery loine, noo cam 1 
 forrard, an' saang whoile Miss Denholm pleed 
 
 " T' leight ov ithir deays is faaded, 
 
 An' a' its gloary paast ; 
 Fer greeaf wi' ebon wing hath shaaded 
 T' whoapes too breight t' laast,"
 
 142 
 
 an' a lot mair loike that. We encoored an' encoored 
 him, an' he caame agin, an' gaave oos 
 
 " Ah'd be a bootterfly, 
 Boorn i' a booer." 
 
 " Crissen'd i' a coffy poat, 
 An' deed i' liawf-an-hoor," 
 
 soom yoong vaagabund neear ma squeeaked oot ; an' sit 
 a' t' foaks laffin'. " Oarder ! oarder !" cheermon creed ; 
 " its disgraacefool t' interroopt a gintlemon singiu' a 
 saang." Bud draaper chaap cudna finish, " Ah'd be a 
 bootterfly;" he wur soa poot oot wi' t' laffin'. 
 An' cheermon caw'd Mr. Eoundhay t' reead 
 
 "T Baashfool Mon" 
 
 This wur aboot a chaap gaein' tiv a dinner pairty, an' 
 missbehaavin' hissen. He pooled a librayry ov buks on 
 his stoopid yed ; dipped his henkercher in t' inkstaand, an' 
 roobbed it a' ower his faace ; an' squirted braandy oct 
 ov t' coorners ov his oogly mooth ower t' ledees at taable. 
 He wur a feeol, an' a beeast, an' noa mistaak. Roundhay 
 red weel, an' a' t' foaks laffed at it ; bud ah fealt 
 disgoosted ! 
 
 Miss Denholm thin favoored t' coompany wi' 
 " Bid ma discoorse, an' ah wull enchaant thy eear." 
 
 An' thin oor Poastmeaster red soommat fra 
 " Thaackkerry 's BuTc ov Snobs," 
 
 aboot an aud coontry hawf-paay officier, who leuked 
 doon on t' pooir, an' leuked oop to an' aaped t' reech ; 
 an' gat snoobed ivviry deay fer his paains, as saarved t' 
 fond pretinder reight. It inded wi' thease waards ; an' 
 ah think 'em foirst raate, ah doa ! 
 
 " Yoh who despoise yoor neeboor air a SNOB. Yoh who fergit 
 yoor can freends, mearly t' foliar arter thoase ov heigher degreea, 
 air a SNOB. Yoh who air ashaamed ov yoor povirty, or bloosh fer 
 yoor honnist caallin', air a SNOB. Soa also air yoh who booast ov 
 yoor peddigree, or air prood ov yer weealth." 
 
 Braavo Thaackkerry ! ah think thou'll foind a foine 
 riggimint o' SNOBS i' Englaand ! bud mair's t' pitty. 
 God has mad' oos a' ov wun blooid, wun sma' spaace ov
 
 143 
 
 yeartli mun coover t' rich an' t' pooir, t' teetled an' t' 
 poaper aloike ; an' why canna we be broothurs in oor 
 shoart pilgrimaage beloo ? Ithir peeices wur soong an' 
 saaid mah faavoorit " Baccon an 1 Greeins" foirst raate 
 varses amang 'em ; bud ah canna gie 'em noo. We 
 finished oop loike loyaal foaks, wi' Nashunal Anthum i' 
 fool choorus 
 
 GOD SAAVE T' QUEEAN. 
 
 God saave oor graashus Queean, 
 
 Lang maay Victoria rein, 
 
 God saave t' Queean ! 
 
 Sind her vietorrius, 
 
 Haappy an' gloarius ; 
 
 Lang to rein ower oos, 
 
 God saave t' Queean ! 
 
 Lord oor God arise, 
 Scaatter her inimies, 
 An' mak' 'em faall ; 
 Confoond thur polliticks, 
 Froostraate thur knaavish tricks ; 
 On Thee oor whoapes we fix ; 
 God saave oos all ! 
 
 Thy choicest gifts in stoare, 
 On her be pleeased to poour, 
 Lang maay she rein ! 
 Maay she defind oor laaws, 
 An' ivvir gie oos coase 
 To singwi' haart an' voice, 
 God saave t' Queean ! 
 
 "We thoondered laast varse oot, gaave a lood cheear, an' 
 thin whoame t' bid.
 
 A HIT AT T' WAAK'FIELD FOAKS. 
 
 Waak'field is a noice toon, a varry noice toon, wi' a 
 foirst-raate mairket, an' fool ov foine beildin's ov a' 
 soarts. Thur's t' Coarn 'Xchaange, a noable pleeace, 
 woide an' oapen, wi' raalim fer hoondreds ov faat coontry 
 fermers loike ma. Ah loike plinty ov elboo raahm ; all 
 allus did, ah an' allus shall. Ah canna abeear t' be 
 squeedged oop onnywhur ; an' hawf t' seeats i' hawf t' 
 choorches, an' chaapels, an' pooblic pleeaces air maade t' 
 tormint pooir foaks who air a lahtle bigger than thur 
 neeboors. That waants alterin', it doa ; an' ah think 
 Paarsons, an' Ministurs. an' Foon Proveeders o' a' 
 soarts, wild foind they'd git mair listeners iv they'd niak' 
 oos mair coomfertaable. All think soa, ah doa. Thin 
 thur's a graand Coort Hoose at Waak'field, wi' statty at 
 toap ; an' it leuks splindid whin t' royaal flaag is fleein' 
 Thur's a Choorch Institoot, monny laarge Choorches an' 
 Chaapels, a Bool Hottel, an' lots ov ithir beildius ov a' 
 soarts ; caapped wi' a Loonatick Assyloom, which, ah'iu 
 soarry t' saay, gits mair foaks, an' waants mair raahm 
 iwiry yeear. Munny groobbin' is a raare thing fer 
 oopsettin' mon's intellicks ! an' ah think muuny- 
 groobbin' has soommat t' doa wi' oor increease ov maad 
 chaaps, ah doa ! Munny, loike foire, is "a varry guid 
 sarvent, bud a varry baad measter." 
 
 Weel, bud ah'v gat t' foind faut wi' Waak'field foaks 
 a lalitle bit, an' ah'll tell'ee t' reeason why. 
 
 Whin ah wur cooniin' laast toime fra Kaailwaay
 
 145 
 
 Stashun intul Waak'field, ah saaw poot oop ootsoide a 
 Theeatur koind ov pleeace t' followin' NOTIDGE : 
 
 ROYAAL ALLAAMBRA MUSICK HAAL. 
 
 ROOLS FEK T' AUDIANCE I 1 T 1 GAALLEKY. 
 
 1st. That onny persun spittin, throwirf caaps, paaper, 
 oraange peeal, or onny ithir missil intul f Boxes, Pit, 
 or Prominaard, wull be immediaately expilled. 
 
 2nd. That onny persun shaatin' at, or insoolting paarties, or 
 staampin\ whistlin\ or malckiri onny oonseeamly noise, 
 wull be saarved t saame. 
 
 3rd. Onny persun leightin' his poipe or ceegar at t y gaass, 
 ditto, ditto. 
 
 4th. Persuns querrellin 1 an 1 feightin', or makkiri 1 distoorbance, 
 wull be taen intul coostody. 
 
 5th. Noa munny retoorned tit paarties expilled. t 
 
 Ah reead that i' a maain streeat whur hoondreds ov 
 straangers mun paass daaily fra Staashun. Ah axed a 
 briggaand soart ov chaap, maarchin' oop an' doon, 
 who belaanged tit Haall, " Is that Notidge reeally 
 nicissarry ?" " Nicissarry !" saays he ; " why they'd pool 
 t' pleeace doon wi'oot it. They mak' a rigular beear 
 gaardin' ov oor Haall ; an' t' laanguidge an' condooct ov 
 soom is disgoostin' ; enuf t' droive a' deacent foaks 
 awaay." " Its disgraacefool," saays ah ; " soom ov oor 
 English chaaps air raale paagans, 'specially whin they've 
 hed a soop ov drink. Whur abrooad wud yoh sea sike a 
 notidge ootsoide a pooblic pleeace ov anmsemint ?" 
 " Noawhur," saays mon. " Ah whoape Waak'field chaaps 
 wull refoorm," ah saaid ; an' ah saay soa noo !
 
 T' POOET LAWIHAATE'S 
 "PROPUTTY, PROPDTTY, PKOPUTTY. 
 
 "Wun deay Meary cam' rocmin' intul ma, houldin' oop a 
 foine-leukin' buk, an' saays she, '* Feyther, feyther, seetha 
 what a noice volljm Miss Denholm's beein an' lint ma !" 
 " What is it," saays ah. " 7" \\'hoalli/ Graaynl,'" saays 
 she. "T Whoally what?' 1 saays ah. < T \Vhoally 
 Grani/al," saays she agin ; " by t' Pooet Lawihaate." 
 "Ah wish," saays all " wreetin' chaps wud caw thur huts 
 by neeames a mou con oonderstaand ; bud who mud 
 Pooet Lawihaate be ?" ' Oh !'' saays Meaiy, " he's t' yed 
 ov a* t' Pooets, an' Queean paays him foive hoondred 
 punds a yeear ; an' lie's bund t' mak' a new pooetery 
 buk ivviry toime a yoong prince or princess is boom. Ah 
 yeard Miss Denholn? talkin' aboot it." " Weel," saays ah, 
 " he's gat noa sinicuer, (as they saay aboot Choorch 
 Paarsons,) fer ivvivy toime a'rnaist ah tak' oop a noose- 
 papper, thur's a tilly^raam aboot a new boomed prince or 
 princess ! Pooir Pooet Lawihaate mun poozzle his 
 braains, ah think, t' wreet a new buk fer each on 'em, he 
 mun !" " An', Feyther," Meary saays, " Miss Denholm 
 saays thur's sum mat i' t 1 buk yoh'll loike." " Doan't 'ee 
 be fond laass," saays ah ; " hoo con ah reead an' oonder- 
 staand new-faauglod pooetry ?" " Bud it's a' i' oor 
 waay ov speeakin', Feyther ; it's neear iud ov buk ah'll 
 foind it;" an' i' a lahbla whoile Meary foond it, an' saays,
 
 147 
 
 " Mun ah reeadit t' thee, Feyther?" "Iv thoo loikeet, 
 deear," saays ah. An' she begaan : 
 
 THE NORTHERN FERMER. 
 
 Dosn't thou 'ear my 'erse's legs, as they canters awaay ? 
 Proputty, proputty, proputty that's what I hears 'em saay. 
 Proputty, proputty, proputty Sam, thou'sfc an ass fer thy paains : 
 Theer's moor sense i' one o' 'is legs nor in all thy braains. 
 
 Woa theer's a craw to pluck wi' tha, Sam : yon's parson's 'ouse 
 Dosn't thou knaw that a man mun be either a man or a mouse ? 
 Time to think on it then ; fer thou'll be twenty to weeak. 
 Proputty, proputty, woa then woa let me 'ear mysen speak. 
 
 He an' th' muther, Sammy, 'as bein a-talkin' o' thee ; 
 Thou's been talkin' to muther, an' she beaan a tellin' it me. 
 Thou'll not marry fer munny thou's sweet upo' parson's lass 
 Noa thou'll marry fer luvv an' we boath on us thinks tha an ass. 
 
 Seea'd her to-daay goa by Saaint's-daay they was ringing the bella. 
 She's a beauty thou thinks an' soa is scoors o' gells, 
 Them as 'as munny an' all wot's a beauty ? the flower as blaws. 
 But proputty, proputty sticks, an' proputty, proputty graws. 
 
 Doa'n't be stunt : taake time ; I knaws what maa'ks tha sa mad, 
 Warn't I craazed fer the lasses mysen when I wur a lad ? 
 But I knawed a Quaaker feller as often 'as tow'd ma this : 
 " Doan't thou marry fer munny, but goa wheer munny is !" 
 
 An' I wint wheer munny war : an' thy muther coom to 'and, 
 
 Wi' lots o' munny laai'd by, an' a nicetish bit o' land. 
 
 Maabe she warn't a beauty : I niver giv' it a thowt 
 
 But warn't she as good to cuddle an' kiss as a lass as 'ant nowt ? 
 
 Parson's lass 'ant nowt, an' she weant 'a nowt when 'e's dead, 
 Mun be a guvness, lad, or summat, an' addle her bread ; 
 Why ? fer 'e's uobbut a curate, an' weant nivir git naw 'igher ; 
 An' 'e maade the bed as 'e ligs on, afoor 'e coom'd to the shire. 
 
 An' thin 'e coom'd to the parish wi' lots o' 'Varsity debt. 
 Stook to 'is taail they did, an' 'e 'ant got shut on 'em yet. 
 An' 'e ligs on 'is back i' the grip, wi' noane to lend 'im a shove. 
 Woorse nor a far-welter'd yowe ; fer, Sammy, 'e married fer luvv. 
 
 Luvv ! what's luvv ? thou can luw thy lass an' 'er munny, too, 
 Maakin' 'ein goii togither as they've good right to do ; 
 Could'n I luvv thy muther by cause o' 'er munny laa'id by ? 
 Naay fer I luvv'd 'er a vaast sight moor fer it : reason why. 
 
 Ay an' thy muther says thou wants to marry the lass, 
 Cooms of a gentlemen burn : an' we boath on us thinks tha an ass. 
 Woa then, proputty, wiltha? an' ass as near as mays novrt 
 Woii then, wiltha ? dangtha ! the bees is as fell aa owt.
 
 148 
 
 Break ma a bit o' the esh fer 'is 'ead, lad, out o' the fence ! 
 Gentleman burn ! what's gentleman burn ? is it shilliii's an* pence f- 
 Proputty, proputty's ivrything 'ere, an', Sammy, I'm blest 
 If it isn't the saame oop yonder, fer them as 'as it's the best. 
 
 Tis'n them as 'as niunny as breaks into 'ouses an' steaals 
 Them as 'as coats to their backs an' taiikes their regular meals. 
 Noa, bud it's them as nivir knaws wheer a meal's to be 'ad. 
 Taake my word fer it, Sammy, the poor in a loomp is bad. 
 
 Them or thir feythurs, tha sees, mun 'a bean a laazy lot, 
 Fer work mun 'a gone to the gittin' whiniver munny was got. 
 Feyther 'ad ammost nowt ; leastaway's munny was 'id. 
 Bud 'e tued an.' moiled 'issen dead, an 'e died a good un, 'e did. 
 
 Look thou theer wheer Wrigglesby beck conies oot by t' 'ill ! 
 Feyther run up to the faarm, an' I runs up to the mill ; 
 An' I'll run up to the brig, an' that thou'll live to see, 
 And iv thou marries a guid un, I'll leave the land to thee. 
 
 Them's my uoations, Sammy, wheerby I meeans to stick; 
 Bud iv thou marries a b.i-l un, I'll leave the land to Dick. 
 Coom oop, proputty, proputty that's what I 'ears 'im saay 
 Proputty, proputty, proputty canter an' canter awaay. 
 
 Arter Meary hed doon reeadin', "What doost thoo 
 think ov it, feythur ?" saays she. " Oh, ah loike t' 
 pooetry weel enuf ; its a varry noicely-written peeace or 
 varse," saays ah, " bud ah donna agreea wi' t' sintimint 
 ov it." "Hoo?" saays she. "Why," saays ah, " it a' 
 roons to t' toone ov t' and womon's coonsil, ' Git 
 munny, Jaack, honistly iv thoo canst, bud onny hoo git 
 munny.'' Son waants t' wed a womon a preshus deeal too 
 gooid an' weel eddicated fer sike a faamily, ah daare 
 saay. Feythur waants son t' wed a munny baag. Its t' 
 aud folly, t' aud sin, t' aud coorse ov makkiri munny 
 ivvirytliiri confeermed an' mad' mair poppular, an' mair 
 'tracktive loike, by a rnon ov moind an' genus. Thur's 
 t' pitty, Meary ! Min tak 1 natterally t' munny-groobbin'. 
 They doan't waant ouny urgin' t' that ; bud they waant 
 urgin' t' sealf-deneeal, t' chaarity, an' guidness, an' 
 vartue. Pooets, an' rain ov haart an' sowl, shud goa 
 agin t' vices, an' faailins, an' meeannesses ov t' aage, 
 an' not incoorage 'em ! Thur's enuf ov this o' a' soides i' 
 ivvirydeay loife, mairs t' pitty." " Yea, feythur," saays 
 Meary, " ah git sick ov t' penney paaper ah tak' in, fool 
 ov taales They mak' yooth, an' buty, an' fashun, an'
 
 149 
 
 heigh-loife, an' munny, ivvirythin'. They doan't reead 
 reeal loike to ma." " Noa," saays ah, " they're noat 
 reeal ; bud trooth, chaarity, an' luv', an' self-saacrefice 
 air reeal; an' thease air what Englaand waants maistnoo. 
 Proputty ! Proputty ! Proputty ! PROBUTTY ! PROBUTTY ! 
 PROBUTTY ! that's what ah saay, an' what ah'd loike 
 ivviry noorthern fermer t' heear his hoarse's hoofs soond, 
 deay by deay. Honisty an' troothfoolness afoor a'. We 
 doan't waant yer toon munny-groobbin' sperit t' git hould 
 ov oos i' oor coontry pleeaces. What has, it doon fer yer? 
 mad' roages an' fellons by doozins amang t' betterin' 
 soart ; an' brout t' faair faame an' characktur ov 
 Englaand doon intul t' moock an' mire ! An' noo, 
 Meary, they'd mak' t' whoalliest thing i' loife marridge 
 a thing ov rnuniiy. Takkin' a woife, a coompanyun fer 
 a' yer daays an' neights, fer t' braass her feythur has 
 scraaped tegithir by cheeatin', speculaatin', or bettin', 
 mabbe : takkin' her noat fer her vartue, her heealth, her 
 buty, her luv, an' koindness bud fer her caash buk, 
 an' munny, an' hooses, an' lond. Hoo con God's blissin' 
 coom doon on sike a uniun ? Bud ah've confeedence i' 
 English laasses kickin' agin sike a skeem ; an' wi' monny 
 an Englishmen, heigh an' low, Luv conkers a', an' soa it 
 iwir wull be, i' spoite ov munny-groobbin' feythurs an' 
 Pooet Lawihaates. Ah'v seein maarryin' fer munny, an' 
 t' ind ov it. Thoo knawest, Meary, yoong Hebblethwaite, 
 who raan awaay wi' t' baankur's darter ? What a loife she 
 lid that pooir mon ! pooshin' her weealth an' his povirty 
 intul his faace, neight an' moorn ; an' indin' by eloapin' 
 wi' a gaay Draagoon officier fra Yark. An' skeualmeaster 
 saays Divoorse Coorts air fool ov sike caases. What a 
 mon haankurs arter is Haappiness ; an' munny canna gie 
 this, bud A/eckshun ; moind that Meary ! Ah've saaid 
 a vaast, bud ah cud saay a vaast mair. Ah think t' 
 foirst things in a mither ov a faamily ort t' be gooid 
 heealth, faairish leuks, an' a sweeit timper /" 
 
 " Tim ! Tim ! ah'll noat be call'd an' blaacked i' mah 
 oan hoose ; doant'ee sit mah bairn agin her mither !" 
 creed aud Deeame, coomin' suddant loike fra oor baack 
 raahm ; an' this stoapped mah preeachin' I
 
 AH TREE T' CAULD WAITER SISTIM AT 
 
 BIN RHYDDiF, WHAARFEDAALE, AN' 
 
 GIT CUERED BY A MAAD ATTINDINT 
 AGIN MAHWULL! 
 
 Mah akes an' paains Idpt on ; ah cudna niak' yed nor 
 taale ov 'em. Soom saaid it mun be Bheumatiz ; ithers 
 saaid it mun be t' Livvir ; ithers it wur an obstroockshun 
 i' t' blooid ; an' ah .wur faairly poozled amang t' lot. 
 
 Ah knowed a chap i' Braadfurth who'd summat t' 
 saame soart o' thing aboot him, an' he advahsed ma t' 
 tree cauld watter cuer : he saaid it hed doon him gooid, 
 an' wad ma. So ah off t' Braadfurth on mah rooad ; aud 
 Deeame giein' ma noa ind ov corshuns agin makkin' a 
 feeol ov rnesen, an' ah listeuin' as meeak as a soockin' 
 doock ; fer ah'd hed t' persuaade her t' lit ma goa, an' she 
 mud ha' chaanged her moind (as t' leeadies offen doa) at 
 t' laast moamint. Ah promissed a' she axed, an' kissin' 
 her an' Meary sat off. Ah lahtle thout that soonny 
 moorn what ah'd gat t' goa throf ! 
 
 BRAADFURTH is yan ov t' smooakiest toons ov t' Noorth, 
 thof Shevvild beeats it oot an' oot i' that waay ; bud its 
 a famus pleeace fer bizziness an' toornin' braass. Foaks
 
 151 
 
 coom fra a' pairts t' hilp toorn an honnist penney ; an' 
 wreet thur breeak-jaaAV naames oop, yaards lang, i' gowd 
 letturs, on woppin' greeat waarehooses, loike pallises. Its t' 
 shoiney soart ov stooff, Alpackur, they caw it, has mad' 
 Braadfurth groaw soa, an' its groawin' mair an' raair 
 ivviry deay. They've sum foine beildins i' this toon. 
 Saaiut Jordge's Haall is a raare graand loomp ov staane; 
 an' they're makkin' greeat improavemints i' t' streeats, 
 an' they neead it varry mitch. Soom deay ah wull, 
 pleease God, wreet a vaast rnair aboot this busy pleeace ; 
 noo ah'll goa on by raail t' Bin Rhyddin' Staashun. 
 That loine roons by t' moontaains, an' a few mahles oot 
 ov Braadfurth yoh begin t' feeal t' puer air fra t' moors 
 an' fells. 
 
 Whin ah gat oot ov traain, ah saaw a noable soart ov 
 beildin' heigh oop t' moontaain soide, wi' toors, an' lang 
 loines ov winders, an' terrises, jist loike a Loord's coontry 
 seeat. " Who oans that pleeace ?" saays ah. " Docter 
 Macclood," saays poartur ah'd spoaken tiv. " A gooid 
 naame," saays ah, " as he lives oop i' t' cloods." Ah'd 
 noa ideea ah wur t' coorn t' sike a foine pleeace ; an' ah 
 filt jist a trifel poot oot as ah wint oop waalk by 
 plantaslnms, an' flooer bids, an' graass ploats, tit Cauld 
 Watter Hoose. Ah wint oonder twea poorches, as they 
 caw 'em, an' axed fer docter. Ah wur taen alang 
 corrydeers, as they caw 'em, tiv docter's raahm. He wur 
 yarry koind ; an' arter soondin' mah cheast, an' poottin' 
 a troompit koind ov a thing ower mah haart ; saays he, 
 " Mr. Goorkrodger, ah think yoh con saafely begin mah 
 sistim i' t' moorn. Ah'll gie instroockshuns aboot yer> 
 caase. Coom this waay pleease." Docter shoawed ma 
 ower pairt ov hoose, an' t' groonds' ; an' t' leuk-oot fra 
 t 1 winders, an' fra t' laawn, an' terris, is a raale graand 
 an' luvly yan. Thur's sloapes oopon sloapes, reight doon 
 t' bonks o' Whaarfe ; an' thin t' sloapes gae oop an' oop 
 agin tithir soide ov rivvir. Thur's mahles oopon mahles 
 ov coontry t' be seein ; haamlits, fermes, choorches, 
 woods, manshuns a' afoor yoh. Its a pratty sceane, nae 
 doobt, an' t' keean, braacin' moorlaand air mak's yoh 
 feeal joavil, an' varry mitch inclined fer a took-oot !
 
 152 
 
 Docter left ma wi' a lot ov coompanny i' a big raahm 
 weel filled wi' haandsoom cheers, taables, sofiys, an' ither 
 foornitoor it seeamed a sliaame t' use, they wur soa shiney 
 an' noice-leukin' ; and Deeame wud ha' coovered 'em oop 
 wi' canvaas, an' locked deer on 'em. Thur wur a' soarts 
 o' foaks i' t' raahm. Ah sooin gat a-whoame talkin' tiv a 
 fermer fra Eichmond, i' t' Noorth Keediii', aboot turmets 
 an' preece o' wheeat. They've a noosepapper raahm at 
 Bin Ehyddin', an' fermer had beein reeadin', he saaid, 
 sax or aight Joornals, to paas awaay his toime ; soa he 
 wur choock fool ov noose, an' he tould ma it a', glaad 
 enuf t' ha' foond a lissener. Ah sooin arter yeard a 
 greeat bell soondin' "What's that?"saays ah; " is t' 
 hoose on foire ?" " Noa," saays fermer, " that's t' 
 waarnin' bell fer dinner," " Keight glaad ah am," saays 
 ah, " ah'm faairly claammed, gowa!" "Its a quaarter 
 yit," saays he ; " anithir bell rings at 2." " Grashus !" 
 Baays ah, " ah haardly think ah con staand that quaarter 
 oot ;" an' we boath laffed. Ah'd coom laast, soa ah wur 
 poot laast at taable; that's t' roole, an' as foaks goa, 
 yoh mooave oop heigher. 
 
 Arter dinner, ah wint a waalk to t' cleean, pratty 
 villaage ov ILKLEY, a noice pleeace fer thoase who luv 
 quiate, an' freash air, an' foine boald sceanery. It is 
 increeasin', ah con tell'ee ; choorches, hottels, villers, 
 shoaps, springin' oop a' aroond t' hill soides. It mun be 
 cauld i' winter, bud i' soommer it is deloightfool 
 stroallin' alang Whaarfe soide, leukin' doon fra aud 
 weeathur beeaten brigs intul t' eddyin' streeam beloo, 
 or moontin' hill soides, amang t' goarse an' heeathur, an' 
 hoontin' fer craanberries, an' ivviry noo an' thin sittin' 
 doon t' gaaze at t' noable picter spreead aroond an' 
 doon beloo. 
 
 Ah gat baack t' Bin Ehyddin' i' toime fer a gaame at 
 draafts, an' tea ; an' thin, as ah'd a koind ov deeafness 
 coomin' fer soom toime, Docter recomminded ma t' goa 
 fer a toime wi' soom ithir foaks intul Comprissed Air 
 Baath, as he caw'd it. They've gat a greeat hollar thing, 
 loike t' boiller ov a steeam ingine, wi' cloase-fittin' 
 dooble iron deers, an' sma' winders ov plaate glaass. T'
 
 158 
 
 pleeace has seeats roond, air whin yoh git in they steyk 
 t' deer, an' sit a sivin hoarse pooer ingine at waark, t' 
 poomp fooul air oot, an' freash air in. Its varry 
 pleeasant an' soothin' sittin' thur, bud t' gintle roosh ov 
 yat dry air mak's yoh droosy loike, an' ah fell off asleeap. 
 Ah'd a dreeam. Ah wur i' cooal pit agin. A crood ov 
 collyers wur roond ma ; an' yan saays, " Yoh'll stoap i' 
 t' mine noo, mah foine fellar, tull moorn !" an' ah 
 thout he caut hould o' ma. "Wull ah !" saays ah ! an' 
 ah stroock oot. Mah ee ! thur wur a shaat, an' a scrim, 
 an' a tooxzel ; an', as ah woake oop, ah yeard Docter's 
 vice saayin', " Carn't alloo this ; carn't alloo sike condukt 
 i' mah estaablishmint !" An' ah foond, t' mah shaame, 
 ah'd stroock oot. an' hit anithir paashent's noase ; an' 
 he wur bleeidin' loike a pig, he wur ! Ah explaained : 
 moast ov t' foaks i' t' hoose hed gat roond, an' they did 
 laf aboon a bit. Ah axed gintlemon's paardin ; an' 
 saays he, " Ah wish ah lied yoor pooer ov airm, ah doa ! 
 bud ah woan't sit nixt yoh agin onnywhur, iv yoh 
 pleease." 
 
 Nixt moorn ah had t' tree t' Rooamon or Toorkish Baatk, as 
 they caw it, t' mooave mah paains. Ah gat oop eearly, 
 an' had mah breeakfaast, an' a lang walk ower mooar- 
 laands, an' thin ah wint intul doctur's raahm, an' he wint 
 wi' ma intul a laarge beildin' by t' hoose, wi' pillers, 
 pottyco, an' noicely dun oop. Doctur saaid it had coast 
 him twea thahsand punds, makkin' Rooamon Baath. 
 Foirst raahm ah wint intul, they caw t' Fridgeedarryoom.* 
 It's a big squaare pleeace, wi' tyles fer fleer, an' soom 
 pratty roack wark, fearns an' moasses i' t' middle, wi' a 
 tiny foontin : thur's cooches a' roond, an' coompairt- 
 mints wi' coortains fer foaks t' oondress. Ah had t' tak' 
 off mah cleas, an' poot on a paair ov draawers, an' 
 soom wooden shoon wi' saandles ; ah cud baarely kip 
 'em on mah fit. Thin ah poot a sheeit roond ma, an' 
 doctur saaid ah wur loike an' ainshent Rooamon ! 
 " Mair loike a feeolish shiverin' ghaist oot at twea o' 
 t' moorn !" thinks ah, i' this " claassic gaarb" as doc- 
 
 * Frigidarium P. D.
 
 154 
 
 tur caw'd it. Ah wint intul a smaller raahm, t 1 Teppy- 
 darryoom ;* haang thur breeak-jaw neeames ! It wur 
 joally yat, it wur, i' that raahm ! T' perspurrashun 
 did roon doon man faace, an' ah had t' wesh mesel i' 
 cauld watter, an' poot a wet tooel on mah yed. Ah 
 mun ha' leaked a buty, ah mun ! Thin they mad' ma 
 drink gaallons o' cauld watter ; mah ee, it did gie ma 
 t' moollygroobs, it did ! Arter ah'd beean soom toime 
 i' this yat pleeace, they tuk ma intul t' Cullydarr>joom.\ 
 Grasshus ! it wur ivvir soa mitch yatter, ah cud baarely 
 etaand it ; greeat beeads loike, boorst oot a' ower 
 ma. 
 
 " Ah'll niwir be able t' stoap heeare," saays ah t' mon 
 who leuks arter baaths. " Och share," saays he, "yer 
 maay be i' a yatter pleeace wun deay ; bud coom heere ;" 
 an' afoor ah knawed it, he sint a lot ov watter ower 
 ma fra a poipe. It wint doon mah throoat, an' ah wur 
 welly chooacked ! Thin mon poointed tiv a booard a-top 
 or a mairble taable, an', saays he, " Yoh mun stritch 
 yersen oot on that booard." "What fer?" saays ah; 
 " ah '11 not lig on a booard afoor mah toime is coom."J 
 " Bud yoh mun noo," saays he ; " it's pairt ov t' sistim : 
 doan't be afthur keeapin' ma waaitin' ; ah'm not t' beast 
 or timpers " An' mon, a greeat sax-fit-twea Hirishmon, 
 wi' rid whiskers, an' beeard, an' yed, an' airms loike 
 oak saaplins, leuked saavaage at ma. "It's mesel, 1 ' 
 saays he, "is torminted oot ov mah loive wi' pashents 
 an' pashents, an' weshin an' weshin'. Ah wish cauld 
 watter sistim, an' cauld watter peuple wur a' at blaazes ; 
 noo, be quick wid yer, wull yoh ?" Ah thout it beast t' 
 doa as mon saaid, he leuked soa woild loike ; an' arter 
 a good toog an' a hoist fra Hirishmon, ah gat on booard. 
 " Noo thin," saays he, " leuk oot !" an' afoor yoh cud 
 saay Jaack Robinson, he imptied a boocket-fool ov sooap 
 soods reight i' mah ees, nooase, an' mooth ! Ah wur 
 a'maist smoothered, ah wur! ah treed t' scrim oot an' 
 cudna. Ah pairtly gat oop, doon he sint ma agin, an' 
 
 * Tepidarium. P. D. f Calidarium. P. D. 
 
 t The dead are placed on boards till buried, in Yorkshire.
 
 155 
 
 dooshed ma wi' anither boocket-fool. " Ah'll not staand 
 it," saays ah, "let ma goa !" ah tuanidged t' git oot 
 thease wards i' gulps. " Arrah non, be asy wid yer," 
 saaid mon ; ' doctur's gane oot wi' ithers ; ah'v gat yer 
 aloane, an' ah'll mak' yer goa throf t' whoale ; divil 
 boom ma iv ah doan't, yer spalpeen." " Let ma goa," 
 saays ah ; " ah nivvir baargained fer this sistim!" "Noa, 
 hooney, ah knaw yer didna," saays Hirishmon ; " bud 
 by t' piper that pleed afoor Moases, yoh'll goa throf it 
 a'. Ah'm gaein noo t' shaampoo yer ; bud thur'll be 
 iioa sliaam aboot it, ah con tell yer ;" an' t' mon drove 
 his fists intul mall ribs, pooled mah ligs an' airnis, an' 
 roobed mah skin oop an' doon, tull ah wur a'maist 
 moommied. "Let ma aloane," saays ah, "or it wull 
 be warse fer thee !" " Shoot oop, yer aud bletherumskite !" 
 saays mon, an' he sinds anither boocket ov sooap soods 
 reight doon mah oapen mooth ; an' at ma agin he 
 goas shaampooin'. "Is it moorderin' ma yoh'd be," 
 creed ah, a'maist doon oop. " Not a tarl ! nof; a tarl !" 
 saays he; "it's mesel is a'maist moordered wi' t' loikes 
 o' ye ; yat watter, cauld watter, teppid watter, nioorn, 
 an' neean, an' neight. Tare an' hoonds ! it's enuf t' 
 mak' a saaint sweear !" 
 
 Ah felt a lahtle bettir, an' saays ah, " Yoh mun be a 
 Finnyun, ah think, yoh're soa mitch amang watter ;" an' 
 ah laffed at mah oan joake ! Mon gat i' a terribool raage" ; 
 an' saays he, " Saay that agin', an' by t* poors ah'll 
 smoothur yer i' sooap soods !" " Noa offince," saays ah, 
 " bud ah doan't think yoh speeak quait reight t' ma"- 
 (ah saw he wur ' not-a'-tlnir,' an' treed t' smooth him 
 ower) " ah'm a rispictaable Yarkshure fermer." " Saay 
 yer t' Impiror ov Chiney," creed mon, "mah darlint, 
 an' ah'll belave yer, t' plaze yer ; saay it, that's a' 
 dacint aud boy !" an' mon begaan t' daance aroond, an' 
 sing : 
 
 " Oh cooslila machree. 
 Hoo t' roage he sarved me : 
 He broke mah pitchur, an' spilt t' watter, 
 He kissed mah woife, an' married mah darter. 
 Oh cooshla machree, 
 Hoo t' roage he sarved me."
 
 156 
 
 Ah gat oop noo ; mon shook haands wi' ma, an' saays 
 he, " Noo fer t' Eaain Baath !" " Ah'v hed enuf ; ah'm 
 faair stalled," saays ah. " Not a tarl, not a tarl !" saays 
 mon agin ; " doan't poot ma oot, or it maay be warst fer 
 yeh " "Ah wur t' waalk arter baaths," saays ah 
 thinkin' ah mud git oot ov t' maad fellar's waay " t' 
 waalk tiv Coo an' t' Cawf."* " An' wur wull ye foind a 
 coo an' a cawf, yer taziu' aud fellar ? Is it a coo shed 
 yer tak' t' maistur's hoose fer ? Yer'll git no milk there ; 
 or crame o' t' vaally aythur, as they wreet oop ower t' 
 whiskey shoaps ov Coark. Its watter, watter, watter 
 heare, an' nout else. Nabocklish! ah knaw hoo t' mix it 
 wi' a drap o' t' crature. Faix, ah'd be drooned oot iv ah 
 didn't;" an' mon fetched a bottle oot ov cornir, an' 
 saays, " Heare's sooccess t' aud Hirelaand, an' t' sky 
 ower it. Ha' a drap, aud boy ?" an' arter drinkin' hawf- 
 a-pint ov t' stoof or mair, he offered ma t' bottel. " Noa 
 thaank'ee," saays ah, " ah'm yat enuf wi'oot that stoof, 
 an' its o'er eearly t' drink." " O'er eearly !" saays he, 
 " ah tell'ee what, aud boy, yoh'll be glaad ov a soop afoor 
 yoor gane throf yer ithir baaths." An' he tuk anithir 
 swill at t' bottel. an' thin began a staaggerin' soart ov a 
 daance, singin' oot : 
 
 " Sweeat Dooblin Baay 
 Lies by t' saay ; 
 Its a noable pleeace surely. 
 Lit Hittallyons boast 
 Ov thur Naaples coast, 
 T' Dooblin its a' me eye." 
 
 A' this toime ah wur liggin' on a cooch, an' varry 
 caalm an' noice ah fealt, jist reeady t' goa intul a 
 coomfertable, dreeamy soart ov sleeap. T' cleeanin' hed 
 doon ma guid, roof as it wur ; bud ah didna loike this 
 maad fellar bein' wi' ma. Ah wur aloane. Docter hed 
 tould ma he wur gaein' oot ; an' t' daay wur soa foine, a' 
 t' pashents hed gane too. It wurna a pleeasant thing 
 bein' shoot oop wi' a maad, whisky-drinkin' giunt ; an' 
 t' fool ov t' mooin oanly t' neight afoor ! " Coom," saays 
 ah, " ah mun goa ; ah'll gie thee soommat extra fer a' 
 
 * Two noted rocks above Hkley.
 
 157 
 
 thy trooble ; gowa." " Doan't be tippin' t' blaarney, yer 
 omadawn," saays mon ; " tliur's hawf-a doozin mair baaths 
 yit. Sliure is it loasin' mah sittyvashun an' characktur, 
 yoh'd ha' ma, yer thafe o' t' warld. Thur's t' Sits Baath, 
 t' Deuce Baath, t' Kaain Baath, an' ithers yoh mun ha' 
 afoor yer leeave. Docter saaid yoh mun goa throf t' 
 coorse." " Ah'll ha' nae mair," saays ah, " ah'v hed enuf 
 fer wun moorn ; ah'v poot oop wi' a greeat deeal, bud ah' II 
 pool oop ivC nae mair T " Woan't yer, mah jewil ?" saays 
 Hirishmou, " ah'll sooin be afthur seein' aboot that !" an' 
 he draank rist ov whiskey off, gav' a lood whoop, an' cam' 
 oop tiv ma. Ah treed t' git tit deer ; mon faastened it, 
 an' poot, key i' his pockit. An' thin began a rigular oop 
 an' dooii feight ; he treein' t' foarce ma intul a koind ov 
 box, ah treein' t' kip oot. Brooms, moaps, paails, watter, 
 sooap soods, wint fleein' aboot i' ivviry direckshun ! Ah 
 doadged him roond an' roond ; t' whiskey, mad' him noat 
 ower straang i' t' ligs, bud he mad' oop i' straang 
 languidge, an' caw'd ma ivvirythin' he cud laay his 
 toong tiv. He gat hod ov ma at laast, an' arter a 
 desp'raate toozzle, draaggin' eeach ithir oop, an' doon, 
 an' alang t' fleer, an' monny a gooid poise an' brod he 
 pooshed ma intul a koind ov sentry hoax, an' shoot ma 
 in. Ah wur that doon oop ah cud haardly breeathe ; 
 whin a' at onst t' strtickle-braained chaap lit t' watter fly 
 at ma. It cam' oot ov thahsands ov lahtle poipes, an r 
 soaked ma agin, fra t' soales ov mah fit, tit toap ov mah 
 yed. It wur loike millyons ov pins an' neeadles roonnin' 
 intul ma a' ower. Ah did caw oot, ah did ! " Hoo doa 
 yer loike t' Eaain Baath, mah darlint ?" creed mon; "by 
 t' whoally poakur ah'll kip yer in a' daay, iv yoh doan't 
 proamise t' behaave loike a gintlemon. Wool yer be asy 
 noo, iv ah lit yer oot ?" " Yea," saays ah, three 
 quaarters moordered. Ah cam' oot mair ded than aloive. 
 Saays ah, " Ah'm welly staarved wi' that cauld watter. 
 Lit ma goa intul hoose, tit foire." "Noa," saays he, 
 " not tull yer've hed t' Wet PaacL" " T Wet Paack .'" 
 saays ah, " ah'm wet, an' drippin' a' ower ; ah'll git mah 
 deeath ov cauld." " Not a tarl, not a tarl," saays mon ; 
 an' he took oop a sheeit, soaked it i' watter, an' saays he,
 
 158 
 
 " Wraap that roond yer." " Not a bit ov it," aaays ah; 
 " ah'v lied enuf fer a moonth." ' Thin ah'll mak' yer, 
 yer and shingawn," saays he. " Wull yer," saays ah, 
 " yoh maad teeastrill ! ahll noat be killed ootright 
 wi'oot anithir i'eight;" an' we cloased fer a wrissel. 
 Mali baath things wur toorn t' raags Jang agoa, an' noo 
 t' strooggle wur t' git sheeit ower mah yed. Ah'd noa 
 faaitli bud mon niud sooffoocaate ma ; an' ah foort loike 
 a lion, thof ah saay it mesen, ah did ! Hirishmon 
 staampecl, an' toor, an' swoore "by t' pooers ov Moll 
 Killy," he'd mak' mincemeeat ov ma. Ah stood mah 
 groond, an' gave him wun or twea dooners ; bud he wur 
 oop i' a moament, an' at ma agin wi' t' wet sheeit. 
 
 At laast, arter a lang, feace battle, he gat it ower ma, 
 draaged ma to a koiud ov bed, wraaped sheeit (mah yed 
 had mad' a whoale throf it) roond an' roond ma, floong 
 ma upon t' maatrass t' bed had naught else on it an' 
 poot sax blankits an' feathur beds atop ov ma. Ah 
 kicked loike a gooid un, bud it wur nae use. He 
 meastered ma, an' kip ma oonder bed fer hawf-an-hoor, 
 ah daar saay, tull ah wur deein' a'maist wi' t' yeat. 
 Thin he pooled ma oot loike a seek ov tatees, draaged 
 ma tiv a cauld baath, an' sint ma in, yed ower heeals ! 
 Mah ee ! by this toime ah wur weshed an' knoocked oot 
 ov mesen ; an' ah a'maist thout ah wur soomboady ealse, 
 ah did, by mah trooly ! Thin mon roobed ma doon as he 
 wud a cairt hoarse ; an', saays he, " Hoo doa yer feeal 
 noo ? Ah'll ha' a draam afoor ah tree t' ithir foive 
 baaths on yer." As mon toorned t' git his whisky, ah saw 
 a sma' deer neear ma ; ah raan fer it, shoot it, an' boalted 
 it, an' gat oot intul pleeace wur ah lift mah cleas. Ah 
 poot 'em on, gat intul hoose an' t' mah bid raahm ; an' 
 thur ah laay, ah daare saay, three or foor hoors on soffy 
 asleeap ! Whin ah woak oop, ah cudna beleeve mesel ! a' 
 mah akes an' paains wur gaen, an' ah seeamed t' ha' new 
 loife, fool ov strinth an' innergy ! T' watter an' t' toozzle 
 had dun it a', an' it wur a toozzle ! Ah've plood a daay 
 in, an' a' daay oot ; ah'v beean haaymakkin' fra foive i' t' 
 moorn tull tin a' neight ; ah'v doog tatees by t' aker i' 
 a' soarts ov weeather ; ah'v caarried a pig neearly as
 
 159 
 
 big as mesel mair nor a mahle ; ali'v poomped a foire 
 ingin' a' neigh t lang; yoh ha' seean hoo ah fout at 
 Doncaaster, an' what a raare peeace ov wark ah had i' 
 t' cooal pit ; bud a' ah ha' dun i' mah loive, an' a' ah 
 ivvir maay doa, wull nivvir coom oop t' mah toozzle 
 wi' that woild, maad, raavin', Hirishmon ! 
 
 Ivviry baane, ivviry moosel, ivviry narve i' mah boady, 
 wur twisted, an' jearked, an' shaaken; an' ah wax 
 wrang as cleean oot ov moistoore as aud Deeame wrings 
 her sheeits on weshin' deay. Onny hoo, ah wur cuerd ; 
 thof ah doan't think monny wud loike t' goa throf saame 
 proacess as ah did, ah doan't ! 
 
 NOTTER BENNY. 
 
 Foaks nmnna be flay'd aboot maad attindint at Bin 
 Rhyddin' ; they wilna foind him thur. He beggid haard 
 nixt moorn, an' ah forgav him, an' gav him hawf-a-croon. 
 " Shure," saays he, "it wur a' t' whisky; t' thafe ov t' 
 warld doon beloo thur gav ma t' wrang soart bad cess 
 tiv him !" Ah think t' whisky may ha' hed summat to 
 doa wi' it ; bud soa hed t' fool o' f inooin ! Onny hoo, 
 thof stalled enuf, ah wur cuerd, an' ah mun be thaankfool 
 fer that !
 
 A FEW KEMAIRKS ABOOT HALLIFAX 
 AN' HOODDEKSFIELD. 
 
 Ah'v monny relaashuns, doon tiv a neenth coosin, i' 
 Hallifax, thof soom ov 'em spill tlmr neames a treffle 
 diffrint, as onny wun con reead aboon shoaps an' waare- 
 hooses. Whin aud Nol Ooomwell an' his caaptins sint 
 foaks pratty shaarp, i' t' wards o' t' anshent oarder, 
 
 " t' H , Hool, or Hallifax !" soom ov mah foorbeears 
 
 wur amang t' noomber who wint tit laast-naamed pleeace 
 i' prifferince tit ither twea. They sittled thur, an' thur 
 they remaain. They coom to sea ma soomtoimes, at 
 Kursmas, mabbe, an' ah'v eeatin' mah caake an' cheeis, 
 an' fruminty, an' sit roond t' laang hoosband's cannal 
 -wi" 'em,* an' foond 'em varry noice soart ov peuple. 
 
 Meary wint t' sea soom ov oor coosins i' retoorn. 
 They're pratty weel t' doa, an' ha' warked thur waay 
 oop hill a bit ; bud they're noat stoock-oop foaks loike 
 soom feeols who've mad' a lahtle munny i' traade, an' 
 thin begin t' leuk doon oopon t' pooir, an' expict ivviry 
 wun belangin' tiv 'em t' a'maist worship 'em fer thur 
 greeat an' woonderfool cliverniss in gettin' a heeap ov 
 brass tegither. Wae betide thoase who wilna boo t' 
 kneea to t' new-mad' greeat foaks ; they mun leuk oot 
 fer naught bud insoolt, an' scoorn, an' neglict. Loike 
 Thaackerry's Snob, sike foaks forgit aud freends, aud 
 faaces, aud relaashuns, an' roon arter rich an' teetled 
 peuple ; an' git laffed at an' sneer'd at behoind thur 
 
 * In Yorkshire, cake and cheese are eaten and given away at 
 Christmas ; also wheat and milk, or frumenty ; and a long candle is 
 lit by the master of the house, which all sit around.
 
 161 
 
 baacks famusly. Ah'v seein sike condooct i' monny 
 famillees ; mair's t' pitty ! It's wuii ov t' inaist feeolish 
 an' stoopid things i' t' warld this bein' prood ov a munny 
 bag. Ah con oonderstaand bein' prood ov buty ; it's 
 natteral, an' it's God's gift : ah con inter intul bein' 
 prood ov braain poor ; it rools t' warld a'maist : ah con 
 weel comprehind bein' prood ov stringth ; t' gooid aud 
 Buk tells oos, " The gloary ov a yoong mon is his 
 stringth :" bud bein' prood ov a munny bag filled oop 
 by sellin' sperits an' yale, an' tay, an' coffy, an' cannals, 
 an' trikkle, or by deealin' oot yeards ov cottin, an' wool, 
 an' silk, an' ither things i' traade (an' offen giein' shoart 
 wait an' bad messure !) bein 1 prood o' brass mad' i' this 
 waay, ah nivvir cud mak' oot, an' nivvir shall ! Ah mud 
 as weel be prood ov growin' tatees, an' turmets, an' 
 whoats, an' toorn cockmadoor whin ah gat a gooid preece 
 fer 'em. 
 
 Bud soom foaks who've mad' rnunny i' traade air 
 diffrint fra this ; they're oanly prood ov doin' gooid. I' t' 
 neeat aud toon ov Hallifax, thur's a varry rich mon ah 
 wullna gie his neame ; its knawn oop aboon, an' that's 
 enuf who spinds his gowd loike a prince i' aaidin' t' 
 sick ; lendin' loans tit indoostrious pooir, traadesmin, an' 
 ithers ; soopportin' aud aage, an' spreeadin' blessin's a' 
 aroond. He's a noable chap ; an' boo mitch bettir is this 
 waay ov invistin' munny i' oor loife toime an' seein' wi' 
 oor oan ees t' gooid it dooes, thon leavin' it fer ithers 
 to spiud, mabbe feeolishly an' wickedly, arter we air 
 gaen ! 
 
 Loike Braadfurth, ah shall leeave Hallifax an' Hood- 
 dersfield fer anither toime. Ah wull oanly saay ah think 
 they air boath varry noice toons fer factorry pleeaces ; 
 open, cleean, wi' foine laarge pooblic beildins' o' a' 
 soarts, an' big graassy hill sloapes a' aroond each toon. 
 T' coontry by thur is varry pratty, a' oop an' doon loike ; 
 t' soart ov scinnerry that sooits mail ee t' beast. Whin, 
 soom deay, ah wreet aboot Bolton Abbey, an' 
 
 " Ingleboro' Wharnsoide Pennygint, 
 T' heighest hills fra Tweeid t' Trint,"
 
 162 
 
 ah'll saay inair aboot Moontains. Thur, amang thim, we 
 con exclaaim wi' pooet Meary red tiv ma : 
 
 " Ah live uoat i' mesel, 
 Bud ah becoom porshun ov that aroond ma, 
 An' t' ma, heigh moontains air afeeliri 1 /" 
 
 Ah think peuple amang a hilly coontry air freer an' 
 mair indepindint i' thur moinds thon ithirs, ah doa. Ah 
 wur glaad t' sea plinty ov weel-filled bukshoaps i' Hallifax 
 an' Hooddersfield. Ah whoape t' waarkfoaks wull reead 
 a' they con, an' mak thursens fitted fer bein' gooid an' 
 usefool mimbers ov soceaty ; a greeat distiny, an' Eng- 
 laand's faate, an' poor, an' gloary air in thur honde fer 
 iwirmair ! What con they noat doa t' raaise thursens iv 
 they wull bud unete an' tree ? What greeat advantaages 
 they ha' 1100 that thoase who ha' gaen afoor hed no thout 
 or noashun ov ! Eddication is (or wull be sooin) oapen 
 t' iwiry wun, an' thur wull be no excuse fer min an' 
 wimmin ov t' coomin' toime saayin' they're no scholards, 
 as monny doa noo. I' mah yoong deays, it wur " ivark, 
 wark, wark!" naught ealse ; bud noo t' skeulmeaster is 
 becoomin' stranger thon a troop ov hoarse ! an' knollege 
 an' braain poor rools t' warld. Think o' that, warkin' 
 min, an' poot less drink intul yer mooths, an' mair 
 larnin' intul yer yeds ! That's gooid advise, thof it 
 cooms fra oanly an aud Yarkshure fermer !
 
 LANGKICK'S LETTER ERA HOOL. 
 
 Wun deay Poastmon brout ma this letter ; aud Deeame 
 wur oot, an' ah hed it a' t' mesen. Mighty glaad ah wxu- 
 t' heear fra t' aud fellar agin ! an' saays ah, " Iv ah giv 
 oop an aud freend loike Langrick, that ah'v knawn an' 
 luv'd sin' ah wur a bairn, by gum may ah be hoong, 
 draawn, an' quattered ! an' that poonishment wud be 
 hawf too good fer ma, iv ah cud be sike a teeastrill ; by 
 mah trooly wud it !" 
 
 Heare's aud Langrick's letter : 
 
 "Ax ME. 's, 
 
 " LOND ov GBEEIN GINGEE,* 
 
 " HOOL. 
 " MAH DEEAE GOOEKBODGEE, 
 
 " Whin ah foirst gat thy letter, ah con tell'ee ah wur poot 
 oot an' mighty lungus aboot it. Ah hawf mad' oop mah moind 
 ah'd nivvir wreet t' thee or speeak t' thee agin, ah did. Ah 
 tell'ee, Goorkrodger, fer a deay or twea ah poot thee oot 
 ov mah heeart, ah did ; bud ah cudna Icip thee oot ! Aud 
 feealin's cam' ower ma. Aud frinds, thinks ah, con 
 nivvir be replaiced. Hoo con onny wun tak' t' int'rist in 
 oor saayin's an' dooins loike thoase who've knawn oos fra 
 bairns oopwards, an' seein oor oops an' doons an' goin's 
 on, an' ha' join'd in oor merry tricks an' joovial spoarts 
 fra yeear tiv yeear ? Nae wun ! Ah thout ov oor yoong 
 deays whin we pleay'd marbils, an' tops, an' knaw an' 
 spell tegithur ; ov t' toime whin we twea stoal oot t' goa 
 burd nistin', an' bummelkite gittin', an' fishin' wi' an aud 
 willow stick an' mither's pins an' cottin. It a' cam' 
 baack tiv ma ! an' t' lang simmer hoors tu, whin we wud 
 
 * A street so named in Hull Land of Green Ginger. P.D.
 
 164 
 
 lig by a lair, or pike stack, an' mak' caastles i' t' air ov 
 t' passin' cloods, an' ov oor deays t' coom ! An' thin 
 agin t' wards ov aud Bob Booms' noable sang cam' intul 
 mah moind : 
 
 ' Shud aud acquaintance be forgot, 
 An' niwir brout t' moind ; 
 Shud aud acquaaintance be forgot, 
 An' t' deays ov aud Lang Syne.' 
 
 An', ah'm not ashaamed t' oan it, a teear cam' intul mah 
 ee, an' saays ah, ' Dang it, ah'll wreet tit aud fellar onst 
 mair,' an' heare ah am doin' it ! 
 
 " Ah dussay thy deeame, Groorkrodger, thinks ma a 
 scaamp ov a chap fer roos, an' raaces, an' loo coompanny ; 
 bud that's not mah chaaractur, as thou knawest. Ah'm 
 seer her moateevs air gooid, an' ah rispict 'em : ah 
 rispict a' t' feeamales as trees t' be gooid woives an' dooes 
 thur dooty, an' Mrs. Goorkrodger dooes her's, ah knaws. 
 Not monny hoosbands, Goorkrodger, ha' gotten t' woif 
 that thou hast, an' ah whoape that thou'll allus 'preciate 
 her. 
 
 ["A bit ov blarney that, aye Laiigrick?" thinks ah; 
 " bud thou knawist hoo monny beeans mak' foive, thou 
 dost ! thou wurna boorn yisterdeay an' con weel sea 
 hoo t' groond ligs at Bonnybeck !" Arterwaards, whin 
 Meary red t' letter tiv Deeame, she saaid at this pairt, 
 " He's a sinsible mon ! he's gottin mair sinse thon thou 
 hast, Goorkrodger ! Ah nivvir thout thy frind, Langrick, 
 had soa mitch in him ; ah wish a' thy frinds wur loike 
 him, ah doa !"] T' letter wint on : 
 
 " Thou'll waant t' knaw what has brout ma tiv this 
 pleeace, an' ah'll tellee, an' summat aboot this greeat 
 seapoort, as thou loikest, ah knaw, to heer aboot straange 
 toons. 
 
 " Weel, thou hast a gooid laandlord, an' ah'v a bad'un. 
 T' hangmint ov t' whoale ferni sistim noo is, thur is nae 
 saafety or security fer t' brass an' laboor a mon poots 
 intul t' lond. Saay thou hast a gooid fealin' laandlord : 
 he may dee as we a' mun soom deay an' his hair may 
 be a spindthrif, an' a haard, crooel mon. ' Paay mair 
 rint, or tak' sax moonths' notidge,' he may saay, -an' it /.<?
 
 165 
 
 saaid ivviry noo an' agin by laandlords an' laandlord's 
 agints ; an' ah'm varry mitch afeeard it wull be saaid to 
 ma soom deay : they're addin' ferm tiv ferm, drivin' oot 
 a' t' sma' min ; ' mairs t' pitty,' thou wudst saay ! Weel, 
 ah mun leuk oot fer mah famillee. Mah eldist son, 
 Isaac, mad' oop his moind soom toim agoa to emmigraate, 
 an' ah raaised a' t' munny ah cud spaare, an' wint t' Hool 
 t' sea him off t' New Zeealand. 
 
 " We tuk steeamer fra Yark doon rivir Oose, an' a foin 
 lang voyaage we hed. Thou knawest Selby ; a foirst- 
 raate mairket it be. Weel, we passed it an' Goole, an' 
 ithir pleeaces, an' soom varry pratty an' soom varry 
 oogly bits ov coontry reight doon intul t' Hoomber. It 
 does leuk a foin, brooad, open peeace ov watter, an' it 
 spreeads oot woider an' woider, an' yoh sea noombers ov 
 steeamers, sailin' ships, collyurs, an' fishin' booats ov a' 
 soarts an' soizes gaein oop an' doon wi' t' flaashin' 
 waaves, thur saails baagin' oot, or floppin' doon, an 1 
 offen wi' coollers ov a' nashuns fleein' oop aboon thur 
 dainty maasts ! " Roole JBrittanniah" seems to coorn at 
 onst intul yer rnoind at t' noable soight, an' t' aud sang 
 we used t' sing tegithur whin laads, whin we mad' oop 
 oor moinds t' be sailyers an' goa robnd t' warld 
 
 1 T' sea, t' sea, t' oapen sea ! 
 T' blue, t' freash, t' ivvir free !' 
 
 T' Hoomber is freash enuf, bud it isna blue. T' Oose isna 
 loike oor Noarth Yarkshur rivvirs, t' cleear, broight Ure, 
 an' Swaale, an' Whaarfe ; noa, its mood, mood, mood, 
 an' soa is t' Lincolnshure Trint, an' boath tegithur mak' 
 t' Hoomber mooddy an' moocky. 
 
 "Its a noice pratty pictur a' alang Yarkshur soide fer 
 mahles doon Hoomber wi' villaages, an' hamlits, an' 
 choorches, an' gintlemin's seeats a-peepin' oot ov treeas, 
 an' lahtle graassy dells, an' snoog ferms, an' foine fields 
 fool ov ivvirythin' fer t' feedin' ov mon an' beeast. ' Oh, 
 feyther,' saays mah son, ' why wull they not let oos stoap 
 in oor oan lond ? ,Is thur wun we con luv mair ony- 
 whur ? It is crooel t' mak' foaks breeak oop thur aud 
 whoames an' drive 'em acrass t' oshun. Ah feeal it mair
 
 166 
 
 thon iwir noo. 1 ' An' soa doa ah, mah bairn,' saaid ah r 
 ' bud it canna be helped jist noo ; wun deay an' ah 
 praay fer it we'll sea a mair natteral staate ov things 
 praps.' 
 
 " We sooin cam' abreeast ov lang kays ov staane an' 
 brick, an' wint ashoar. Ivviry sekund chap yoh meeat 
 seeams a Jarmin, a Sailyer, a Jew, or a Dootchmon. 
 Thur's a greeat pillar poot oop i' honnor ov Wilberfoss ; 
 it staands by watter soide whur t' ships lig. We've 
 yeard ov Wilberfoss afoor noo, aye, Goorkrodger ? He 
 roosed, thou knawest, a' Yarkshure, an' a' Englaand, 
 agin t' 'boomernashuns ov t' slaave traade. Bud thur's 
 ither slaaves besoides niggers, an' ah whoape soom deay 
 greeat Yarkshure the empire coonty ov aud Englaand, 
 ah yeard a Mericy chap caw it wall roose oop agin an' 
 poot a 1 slaavery doon. Praay wi' ma fer that deay t' coom, 
 Goorkrodger ! Thur's anithur statty, an' this wun is ov 
 a King on hoarse-baack i' t' mairket pleeace ' Dootch 
 William, t' Oraangemon,' a chap caw'd him. 
 
 " Hool has monny foine hooses, an' pleeaces fer gooids, 
 an' bizziness, an' is a boosy, boostlin', munny-malddn' 
 an' munny-spendin' toon, wi' traade to a' pairts ov t' 
 warld gettin' mair an' mair, an' waantin' mair raahm fer 
 shippin' iwiry yeear. It ligs loo doon, an' that's a 
 pitty ; fer it mak's it daamp an' oonwhoalesum. Ah'll 
 leeave rist tull ah sea thee, which ah whoape, aud frind, 
 wull be afoor varry lang, an' that we'll shaake honds loike 
 we allus doa, an' let byganes be byganes. 
 
 " Ah seed pooir Isaac off ; we wipt tegither, bud ah'v 
 dun fer t' beeast, ah whoape. Thur's lahtle chaance noo 
 fer sma' fermers an' thur sons i' Englaand ; ah'm afeeard 
 they'll sweeap oos a' awaay t' mak' big peeaces ov lond 
 fer men ov munny. It's a shaame ! bud ah'll saay nae 
 mair noo. Gie mah beeast rispicts t' Mrs. Goorkrodger 
 an' Mees Meary, an' ah'll sign mesel, aud boy, 
 
 " Yer iwir affectionate Frind, 
 
 " ABRAAM LANGBICK."
 
 MAH NOOATIONS ON A' SOARTS 
 0V SOOBJIX. 
 
 T' EEIGHTS 0V WOMON. 
 
 As ah wur sittin' at mah eease reeadin' mah papper, 
 soom greeat quistshun they'd beein wreetin' a vaast aboot 
 t' reight ov wimin t' voate an' dea ithir things kipt 
 coomin' intul mah moind, an' ah'll saay a bit aboot it. 
 
 Monny yeears agoa, whin foaks cudna speeak or wreet 
 as they doa noo, an' we wur a' kipt doon pratty shaarp 
 an' teight by big chaps oop i' Lunnun, feythur tould ma 
 thur wur a greeat cree aboot a mon neamed Tom Paane. 
 He'd wretten twea buks, caw'd " Reights ov Mon,'" an* 
 " Common Sinse," an' Goovermint wur afeeard warkin' 
 foaks wud git hould ov 'em, an' be mad' Looddites,* an' 
 Livellers, an' a' soarts o' things ; soa they oardered 
 coonstaables t' seaze a' t' buks they cud foind. Wun 
 fellar hoonted far an' woide, an' cam' intul magistrates' 
 raahm at Leeads, an' saays he oot lood afoor a' t' Pooblic, 
 " Pleease yer Wer ships, ah've gaen ower hawf t' West 
 Keedin', an' ah canna foind onny reight* ov mon or common 
 sinse onnywhur." A' t' foaks laffed; fer it hit t' trooth 
 varry neear. 
 
 Noo, as t' reights ov womon, ah wud gie 'em a' that is 
 joost, an' faair, an 1 proaper, an' goa a stip beyand t* 
 pleease t' bonny canny critturs, t' coornfort o' mon's leef ; 
 bud ah'd kip oop t' aud traadishun fra Adaam ov mon's 
 bein' t' yed o' t' hoosehould, an' measter i' his oan 
 
 * Ah'v soom raare taales aboot Looddites fer anithur deay.
 
 168 
 
 * 
 
 faamilee. Ad'd stick tiv that. Wimmin maay voate, an' 
 maist ov 'em wud voate bettir an' purer thon monny a 
 mon; bud noa "Pettycooat Groovermint," as Langrick 
 saays, fer ma, bud oor grashus Queean's. Ah think, as 
 laang as babbies air i' fashun an' they doan't seeam 
 gaein' oot whoame mun be t' cheef pleeace fer wimmin, 
 an' ah think she wull be happiest an' maist luved thur. 
 T' greeat evil i' Englaand noo is, we've tu monny leeades 
 an' tu few wimmin. Womon is an aulder an' foiner 
 neame thon leeady by far ! Eve wur a womon, bud not 
 varry feshionaable i' driss or mannirs, ah dursaay ! All 
 quiate agreea wi' that stoordy aud Englishmen, Cobbitt, 
 aboot femaales. He saays . 
 
 " Wimmin, soa ameable i' thursens, air niwir soa ameable as 
 whin they air usefool ; an' as fer buty, thof min maay fall i' luv wi' 
 girls at plaay, thur is naethin' t' mak' 'em staand tiv thur luv loike 
 seein' 'em at wark." 
 
 That's tru enuf. Min doan't waant dolls, bud healpmaates 
 fer woives. Squeer mak's a joake ; he saays, "Womon's 
 misshun is t' soockle feeols an' kronicul sma' beear !" 
 Squeer mun forgit that he wur a feeol hissen onst ; an' 
 sma' beear is varry gooid at haaymakkin' an' hahvist ! 
 Ah certaainly donna goa soa far as Squeer ; bud ah saay, 
 an' wull oophould it, womon's ordaained pleeace is t' luv, 
 honnor, an' obbey her hoosbaand, an' she mun doa it. 
 She's mon's healpmaate ; bud she's t' weeaker vessil, an' 
 mun gie waay t' her loord an' maister. " Tim !" -'Tim !" 
 By gom, thur's aud Deeame a cawin' ma ! Thur she is 
 agin " Tim, Tim, thou dost naught bud reead that 
 stoopid papper ; coom this moamint an' help ma wi' t' 
 dolly i' t' peggy toob. Ah'm faair stalled weshin' ; poot 
 thy papper doon, an' coom at onst." Weel, ah'll goa 
 this toime, as aud Deeame wishes it ; bud ah'll not mak' 
 a pracktise ov it. Eeights ov Womon mun waite tull ah've 
 doon dollyin' ! 
 
 OOR DOOMED SAILLERS. 
 
 Monny a pooir white boady floong baackards an' 
 forards by t' breeakurs, an' caast at laast a' naaked on t' 
 saands or rocks, wi' its cauld faace ooptoorned t' Hivin,
 
 169 
 
 as iv creein' fer vengeeance ; monny a pooir sailler laad, 
 an' mon wi' weeapin' woife an' bairns ashoar, is as mitch 
 MOOKDERED ivviry gaale that blows as iv a kneef had 
 beein doog in thur throoats, or a ball beein fired intul 
 thur braains ! 
 
 Whin ah wur roond t' cooast, ah yeard onst t' bells 
 gaein' merrylee i' a sea-poort toon. Ah axed what wur 
 oop ? " Oh t' greeat Mister Soomboady's son he who 
 cans soa monny ships is a gaein " t' be wed," a womon 
 answer'd ma. "Ah wish him joy, an' a' t' fammilee, 
 ah's seer," saays ah. " That' mair thon ah doa," saaid 
 a sailler chap staandin' by ; " he's groan rich oopon t' 
 loives o' pooir seeamin. He sinds oot ships t' seea not 
 fit fer a caalm rivvir flooatin' coffins, we caw 'em an' 
 iwiry stoarm t' rottin things goa doon a' alang t' shoar. 
 Mr. Soomboady donna caare ; he's munny on 'em, an' he 
 gaains whoivvir looses." 
 
 Noo, ah've a nooation that min who sind rottin ships 
 oot t' seea air teeastrills ; an' ah whoape they'll mak' Act 
 ov Parl'mint t' chaange sike shipoaners' villers an' graand 
 hooses fer a cell i' neearest jale. That's mah nooation I 
 
 WAAR AN' FEIGHTIN'. 
 
 T' feight fer meer feightin' saake ; t' feight t 1 kongker 
 
 anithur coontry, or t' git a bit ov lond far awaay ; or t' 
 
 feight onnytoime whin i' honnor yoh con doa wi'oot 
 
 feightin', ah saay is a creem ! Ah've yeard Meary reead, 
 
 " Wun moorder mak's a villan, millyons a hearo ;" 
 
 ah' ah whoape t' deay'll coom whin min wull ha' tu mitch 
 sinse t' haate an' slootter thur feller- crttturs becas they 
 speeak a diff'rint toonge, an' loive a few mahles acrass t' 
 oshun ! Iv ah'm sit oopon loike ah wur at Doncaaster, 
 ah mun feight, an' soa mun Englaand ; that's self-diffinse, 
 an' reight an' lawfool ; an' ah'm prood t' sea thahsands 
 oopon thahsands ov oor loosty yoong min coomin' oot as 
 Voloonteers, wi' 
 
 " Diffinse, not Defianse," 
 
 ower thur yeds. That's it ! We'll attaack nane ; we 
 waant t' congker nane ; an' wae t' thoase who attack an'
 
 170 
 
 tree t' congker oos ! Thim's mah noations aboot Waar 
 an' Feightin' ! 
 
 EMMIGRAASHUN. 
 
 Iv ah'v tu monny foules atop ov t' bawk, mun all pick 
 oot an' sind awaay t' yoongist an' beast t' mak' raahm, 
 an leeave naught bud aud roosturs which canna laay an 
 egg, an' air as toof as leeathur, behoind ? Noa ! iv mah 
 foules air tu thick, ah mun poot oop anithur bawk ; ah'v 
 plinty ov raahm, an' ah think thur's plinty ov raahm on 
 t' lond i' Englaand fer thahsands ov yoong abil foaks 
 we're sindin' awaay loike pooir aud Langrick's son 
 agin thur wull. Yoong peuple, full ov adventoor an' 
 longin' fer a chaange, ah'd let goa ; bud not drive foaks 
 fra thur naative lond ! That wilna paay i' t' lang roon, 
 all's seer. Ah waant t' knaw whur t' min air t' coom fra 
 iv we iwir ha' t' feight hond, an' fit, an' mooth fer deear 
 loife, as we hed agin aud Bonnyparty ? Iv we sind a' 
 oor beast blooid, an' bane, an' sinnew abrooad, whur shall 
 we foind yooth an' stringth fer sodgers ? They'll saay 
 thin, "Feight fer yoor aalters an' yoor wlioames:" bud 
 what whoames ha' t' maist ov Englishmin ? Dins i' 
 smooaky, moocky baack streeats ! It's mah nooation 
 Englaand con feend wark fer monny mair, an' grow fooid 
 fer monny mair ! Ah knaw laarge ferms not hawf 
 cooltivaated fer waant ov brass, an' lond roon oot an' 
 loast i' t' wet an' deeaf soil, an' akers oopon akers fermed 
 i' onny slam soart ov waay, an' creein' oot fer mon's 
 laboor, an' gaein' tit baad fer waant ov mon's laboor, an' 
 naethin' ealse ; an' they saay we're tu thrang i' Englaand ! 
 Ooot on sike nonsinse. Englaand is not roon oot yet ; 
 let's ha' faaith i' t' aud lond, an' mak' her smoilin' 
 vaales, an' frooitfool meddows, an' breezy hill soides t' 
 whoames ov freesh thahsands who lang t' poot t' ploo t' 
 eearth ! Thim's mah nooations on Emmigrashun ! 
 
 BAAD TRAADE. 
 
 Peuple offen cree oot afoor they're hoort, an' mak' a 
 foine noise aboot oor traade gaein' awaay, an' Foreeneers 
 beeatin' oos oot ov t' mairkit. It's mah nooation we con
 
 171 
 
 staand oor groond agin onny wun iv we air jist, an' faair, 
 an' honnoraable in oor deealins. Iv, loike Tallymen, we 
 sell Shoddy an' Divil's-doost clooath fer gooid stoof, we 
 canna expict t' sind agin tit saame pleeace a-whoame or 
 abrooad. Ah beleeve this cheeatin' waay i' cottin an' 
 woollin gooids hes doon oos mitch injoory. Whin ah 
 wur at Leeads laast, ah tould a foirst-raate gintlemon i' 
 t' wool traade that ah wur aboot t' wreet a buk, an' 
 speeak mah moind aboot a' soarts o' things. '' Grie it t' 
 roages," saays he, " who spoil honist min's traades, an' 
 thin cree oot aboot foreen competishun. Ah'v coot 
 summat oot ov a papper ; poot that i' yoor buk," saays 
 he ; an' heare it be : 
 
 COUNTERFEITING IN THE WOOL TRADE. In their monthly circular, 
 just issued, Messrs. Perkins and Eobinson say: "Although the 
 manufacturing interest is well engaged, trade on the whole is not at 
 the present time progressive ; many counterfeits for the real article 
 issue from the looms, involving substitutes, mixtures, and com- 
 pounds, the introduction of modern artifice, and hidden from the 
 knowledge of the retail purchasers. Cheapness has led to adulterated 
 manufactures of an injurious tendency, and the question will be 
 whether the manufactures will improve in quality, or further 
 deteriorate. Should the latter be in the ascendency, foreign com- 
 petition will make rapid strides in introducing better goods to the 
 exclusion of our own." 
 
 Mali noation on that is, " Yance bit, twice shy ;" an' iv 
 we cheeat, we mun expict baad traade an' fer foaks t' goa 
 tit honist deealers ealsewhur. An' sarve oos reight, 
 ah saay ! 
 
 POOIE FOAK AN' TRAAMPS. 
 
 T' Pooir mun loive ; they mun ha' soom spoart, soom 
 chaange i' thur dree an' writched loives. We blaame t' 
 traamps, bud we a' loike traampin' at toimes. It's t' oanly 
 thing, ah think, kips loife i' thahsands o' paale miserable 
 critters, to coom oot ov thur filthey whoales, an' baack 
 streeats, an' crooded dins (whur they mun breead feavur 
 o' a' soarts), intul t' deayleight, an' soonshine, an' freesh 
 air. Soom wud kip 'em crooded i' t' laarge toons loike 
 t' slaaves aboord a ship saillers tell on, an' what wud be 
 t' consikense ? Thahsands deein', insteead ov hoondreds,
 
 172 
 
 ov tiphus feavur an' chollerah, an' ivviry wun runnin' 
 fra t' big toons fer feear ov thur loives. It's a marsy, ah 
 thinks, t' traamps coom an' shaake thur dirty raags i' t f 
 woide oapen rooads an' feelds, Ah doan't loike 'em loorkin' 
 aboot an' leukin' at mah Kessicks soomtoimes, bud ah 
 mun poot oop wi' it, an' waait an' praay fer jist laws t' 
 mak' traamps loike lawyurs, " few an' far betweein !" 
 
 MAH LAAST WAEDS TIV MAH KEEADEES. 
 
 Ah'v pitched intul Pooet Lawihaate a bit ; soa ah'U 
 noo saay, Meary red ma soom wards ov hissen ah'U not 
 sooin forgit. They're noable an' troothfool. They 
 saay : 
 
 " Koind haarts air mair nor corrynits, 
 An' simple faaith thon Norman blooid." 
 
 An' soa saay ah ! Ah whoape ivviry Yarkshurmon an' 
 womon who hes red mah buk wull tree to be koind, an' 
 luvin', an' charitaable t' a' aroond ; bud aboon a' tiv t* 
 pooir, t' writched, an' t' soofferin'. "Luv is THE FOOL- 
 FILMINT ov THE LAW;" an' whin we luv wun anithur, an' 
 caare fer wun anithur, an' seeak t' happiness ov wun 
 anithur, what a gloarius nashun this greeat an' woonder- 
 fool Englaand wull becoom ! Ah shall not loive t' be- 
 hoold t' broight deays drawin' neear ; bud ah con sea thim 
 loike t' eearly raays ov dawnin' soonleight afoor t' soon 
 ooprises ! T' mists ovsin, an' woe, an'povetty wull faade 
 awaay, an' a' monkoind rejoice i' peeace, an' vartue, an' 
 indoostrious plinty. What shud kip raaces an' classes ov 
 rain assoonder ? " GOD HAS MAD' ov WUN BLOOID A' T' 
 NASHUNS ov MIN." We air a' aloike traavellers alang a 
 rooad, havin' bud wun ind aloike fer a' ! Why, thin, 
 shud mon leuk doon oopon his feller mon becas, rnabbe, 
 he's mair weealthy, mair poorfool, mair lamed, mair 
 gooid-mannered ? At oor Bonnybeck Penny Eeadins, ah 
 heeard onst " Graay's Illigy" red. Ah wull in con- 
 clushun ask a' mah reeaders t' larn by haart, an' think 
 weel ower thease foine loines fra that saame Illigy. 
 They wull mak' 'em (as they did ma) reflick oopon a deay
 
 173 
 
 which is coomin' fer oos a', an' which we con beast meeit 
 wi' faaith, an' whoape, an' luv i' oor haarts ! 
 
 " T' booast ov herildry, t' poomp ov poor, 
 An' a' that buty, a' that weealth ere gaave, 
 Awaait aloike t' inivitaable hoor : 
 T' paaths ov gloary leead bud to t' Graave !" 
 
 MAH VARRY LAAST WARDS. 
 
 Ah'v red soom ov mah buk tiv a gintlemon, an' he 
 saays ah'm tu haard oopon t' lawyurs. Weel, ah'v saaid 
 thur air honist wun's, and, to pleease a frind, ah 
 wilna objict t' repeeat it. A lawyur chap i' Leeads onst 
 gav ma soom gooid advise grattis. He did, by gom ! 
 Grattis ! think ov that ! A Yarkshure lawyur giein' gooid 
 advise, an' grattis ! ! He's an honist fellar, an' ah dare 
 saay thur's a doosen or twea mair loike him oop an' doon 
 Uneted Kingdom. Ah'll not denee that ! 
 
 Ah mun saay a few laast wards, tu, aboot Cfreeat Boreal. 
 All shud be sorry iv mah buk shud jaack oop Coompanny, 
 or kip foaks fra travellin' on that 'loine. Ah'v naught 
 t' foind faut wi', excipt stoopid waay they sint mah 
 paircil, an' shabby waay they treeated ma and offen 
 treeat sekund an' thurd claas foaks. Famus Cockshot 
 an' Pottintaates ov Direckturs air gintlemin ov respicta- 
 billity an' honor, ah knaw, an' monny i' Yarkshure 
 knaw. Ah'll not saay a ward agin thur characktur fer 
 honisty an' vartue. Bud t' hangmint is, noa sooner 
 dooes a mon git intul a pooblic pleeace thon he thinks 
 his offis, his coompanny, his depairtmint infallibul ; he 
 mun be reight an' t' pooblic wrang ! Noo, aboot that 
 paircil, ah wur reight an' Greeat Boreal wrang ; an' 
 they're shabby chaps, ah'll saay agin, an' stick tiv it tull 
 mah deein' deay ! Thim's mah laast wards. Paircil 
 sticks i' mah throoat, it doa. 
 
 IND OV MAH BUK.
 
 GLOSSARY 
 
 YORKSHIRE WORDS, 
 
 A. 
 
 Aage, age. 
 
 Aangil, angel. 
 
 Aboot, about. 
 
 Aboon, above. 
 
 Acktly, actzially. 
 
 Addle, to earn, bring in. 
 
 Adjitate, agitate. 
 
 Addidge, adage. 
 
 Advahsed, advised. 
 
 Aflooat, afloat. 
 
 Afoor, before. 
 
 Agate, going, moving, working. 
 
 Ageean, again. 
 
 A go a, ago. 
 
 Ah, A 
 
 Airm, arm. 
 
 Ainshent, ancient. 
 
 Akcydent, accident. 
 Allus; always. 
 Alloo, alloiv. 
 Alloor, to allure. 
 A'maist, almost. 
 Amazin', amazing. 
 An', and. 
 Approon, apron. 
 Aroose, arouse. 
 Asseer, assure. 
 Assoonder, asunder. 
 Asta, hast thou. 
 Asteed, instead. 
 And, old. 
 Awa', away. 
 Awaake, awake. 
 Ax, ask. 
 
 B. 
 
 Baat, without. 
 Baan, booan, bone. 
 Babtahzed, baptised. 
 Badly put on, ill clad. 
 Backard, backward?, 
 Bagnits, bayonets. 
 Bairns, children, 
 Baabe, babe. 
 Bank, to break, to fail. 
 Barefaaced, barefaced. 
 Barra, barrow. 
 Barrax, barracks. 
 Baashfool, bashful. 
 Basteel, workhouse. 
 Battledeer, to mangle with a heavy 
 s fade- like piece of wood. 
 
 Bawk, roost. 
 Bawld, bold. 
 Beeach, beach. 
 Beeak, to bake. 
 Beeath, both. 
 Beeas, ox stall. 
 Beeans, beans. 
 Beeams, beams. 
 Beeaf, beef. 
 Beeadle, beadle. 
 Beeast, beast. 
 Beeat, beat. 
 Becoom, become. 
 Beilt, built. 
 Befool, befoul. 
 Befrind, befriend.
 
 B. 
 
 Behaave, behave. 
 
 Behawf, behalf. 
 
 Beneeath, beneath. 
 
 Benoomed, benumbed. 
 
 Beseeach, beseech. 
 
 Besam, broom. 
 
 Bettering sort o'foak, gentlefolk. 
 
 Bilyoos, bilious. 
 
 Bit, by thee. 
 
 Bizness, business. 
 
 Bide, to wait, stay. 
 
 Black-clocks, beetles. 
 
 Blackin', scolding, abusing. 
 
 Blahthe, blythe. 
 
 Blash, to splash. 
 
 Blooid, blood. 
 
 Bleeam, blame. 
 
 Bleeak, bleak. 
 
 Blooid puddins, black pudding. 
 
 Blooid-thoirsty, blood-thirsty. 
 
 Blooated, bloated. 
 
 Bloonder, blunder. 
 
 Bloont, blunt. 
 
 Bloostroos, bhistrous. 
 
 Boath, both. 
 
 "Bonny, pretty, neat. 
 
 Bon Fire Daay, Gunpowder Plot. 
 
 Booath, booth affairs. 
 
 Booast, boast. 
 
 Boonce, bounce. 
 
 Boomp, bump. 
 
 Booer, bower. 
 
 Bool, bull. 
 
 Boon, going. 
 
 Boondarry, boundary. 
 
 Boom, born. 
 
 Booels, bowels. 
 
 Boontifool, bountiful. 
 
 Botham, bottom. 
 
 Boun, bounded, forced. 
 
 Bootter-boomps, butter cups. 
 
 Bootten, button. 
 
 Braahs, briars. 
 
 Brack, broke. 
 
 Brass, money, wages. 
 
 Brast oot, burst out. 
 
 Bray, to pound, punch, beat. 
 
 Breead ratch'd, broad striped. 
 
 Breeach, a gap, opening. 
 
 Breeath, breath. 
 
 Breeak, break. 
 
 Brocken, broken. 
 
 Brooard, broad. 
 
 Broo, brow. 
 
 Brout, brought. 
 
 Brussen, bursted. 
 
 Brun, brown. 
 
 Buk, book. 
 
 Bummelkites, blackberries. 
 
 Buzzar, a steam call to work. 
 
 C. 
 
 Caapur, to dance. 
 Caast, cast, thrown. 
 Caancil, council. 
 Caancillor, counseller. 
 Cabbish, cabbage. 
 Call, to find fault with. 
 Cannal, candle. 
 Canny, nice, pleasant. 
 Capped, surprised, astonished. 
 Cawld, cold. 
 Caw'd, called. 
 Cawf, calf. 
 Cairt, cart. 
 Cayak, cake. 
 Cashuu, occasion. 
 Cam', came. 
 
 Chaange, change. 
 Cheeap, cheap. 
 Cheeat, cheat. 
 Cheearfool, cheerful. 
 Chimler, chimney. 
 Claack, noisy talk. 
 Cleeas, clothes. 
 Cleean, clean. 
 Cloob, club. 
 Cloomsy, clumsy. 
 Clooster, cluster. 
 Cloot, clout. 
 
 Clootch, to gripe fast hold of. 
 Coar, corps. 
 Coit, Cooat, coat. 
 Coinfots, comforts.
 
 c. 
 
 Confoond, confound. 
 Congker, conquer. 
 Consolashuu, consolation. 
 Consait, conceit. 
 Contrahved, contrived. 
 Consoolt, consult. 
 Convoolse, convulse. 
 Coo, cow. 
 Cooil, cool. 
 
 Cooltivaate, cttltivate. 
 Coonnin', cunning. 
 Coontry, country. 
 Coom, come. 
 Coonter, a shop table. 
 
 Coop, cup. 
 
 Coort, court. 
 
 Coot, cut. 
 
 Coot-throoat, a nairderer. 
 
 Coostom, custom. 
 
 Crack on, thinking 'veil of. 
 
 Craawn, croon, crown. 
 
 Craad, crood, crowd. 
 
 Creeara, cream. 
 
 Creeaks, hinges. 
 
 Creead wheat, furmenty. 
 
 Creeat, create. 
 
 Crep, creep. 
 
 Cubbat, cupboard. 
 
 D. 
 
 Dahnards, downards. 
 Daytle mon, day labourer. 
 Debaate, debate. 
 Dee, die. 
 Deer, door. 
 Deea, doa, do. 
 Deealin', dealing. 
 Deean, done. 
 Deeame, dame, -wife. 
 Deeap, deep. 
 Deefea^e, defeat 
 Desarves, deserves. 
 Desauned, disozvned. 
 Din, noise, row. 
 Ding, to dash violently. 
 Direckshuns, directions. 
 Disgoost, disgust. 
 Distroost, distrust. 
 Doant, donnat, dorft. 
 Dolly, used in washing. 
 Donned, dressed. 
 Donnot, fool. 
 
 Dooble, double. 
 
 Dool, dull. 
 
 Doon, down. 
 
 Doot, doubt. 
 
 Doom, dumb. 
 
 Doomps, sitllenness. 
 
 Dowly, dismal. 
 
 Dout, piit out. 
 
 Drahve, drive. 
 
 Draahnded, drowned. 
 
 Dree, dreary. 
 
 Dreead, dread. 
 
 Dreeadfool, dreadful. 
 
 Drew, a little drop. 
 
 Droven, drove. 
 
 Dry spirits, raw spirits. 
 
 Dubbed, losing all at a game. 
 
 Ducks, faggots. 
 
 Duds, clothes. 
 
 Dusteh, dusta, dost thou. 
 
 E. 
 
 Eatage, pasturage. 
 Een, eyes. 
 
 Eddicaskun, education. 
 Efter, after. 
 
 Elekshun, election. 
 Eneeaf, enough. 
 Extreeam, extreme.
 
 F. 
 
 Faade, to fade. 
 Faiu, glad. 
 
 , fine. 
 
 Fardin, farthing. 
 Fashun, fashion. 
 I 'aut, fault. 
 Fause, false. 
 Fawu, fallen. 
 Fearce, fierce. 
 Feeal, yW. 
 Feeat.yW. 
 
 Fettle, //// /' <?rc/<?r. 
 Fer,for 
 Yiii, fifth. 
 Fin, /</. 
 Fit.jfe/.. 
 Flayed, afraid. 
 Fleight, to scold. 
 Fleer, a laugh, the floor. 
 Flitted, removed.^- 
 Flummery, nonsense. 
 Foafe, fallow land. 
 Foak, people. 
 Fog, aftermath. 
 
 Fog flowers, pretty delicate field 
 
 flowers, abundant in Autumn. 
 Folks, yW/Wr. 
 Fond, foolish. 
 Foonder , founder. 
 Foon./ien. 
 
 Fooul, fool. 
 
 Fottygraaph, photograph. 
 
 Forgean, forgiven. 
 
 Forrad, fonvard. 
 
 Fortoon, fortune. 
 
 Fowet, fought. 
 
 Fraame, to work, do things. 
 
 Fra,/rom. 
 
 Fratcb, to quarrel. 
 
 Freeat, to fret. 
 
 Freetened, frightened. 
 
 Foos,fass. 
 
 Frooit, fruit. 
 
 Froon, froiun. 
 
 Froostraate. frustrate. 
 
 Frumenty, wheat boiled in milk. 
 
 Fuddle Tay, tea party. 
 
 Furst, first. 
 
 Fussiker, a donkey. 
 
 Gaet, got. 
 Gainest, nearest. 
 Gang, goa, go. 
 Gam, game. 
 
 Gaumless, helpless, stupid. 
 Gawrison, fool, idiot. 
 Gemmen, gentlemen. 
 Gerse, goose. 
 Gesst, guest. 
 Gerned, greaned. 
 Gien, given. 
 Giggle, to laugh. 
 
 Gie a clash, startle. 
 Giue oot o' t' yed, crazed. 
 Gleean, to glean. 
 Goonpaahder, gunpowder. 
 Goost, gust. 
 Go^Ya, let us go. 
 Gowpin, a handful. 
 Graand, great, fine. 
 Grit, greet, to cry, sigh. 
 Greeat, great. 
 Groond, ground. 
 Grund, grind. 
 
 t, harvest. 
 Hances, ounces. 
 Harstaaue, hearthstone. 
 
 H. 
 
 Hawf, half. 
 
 Hawpoth, halfpenny-worth. 
 
 Ha'liev, have.
 
 H. 
 
 Haunded, handed. 
 Hearin', herring. 
 Heeap, heap. 
 Heer, hear. 
 Heeame, home. 
 Helds, heels. 
 Heigh, high. 
 
 Henkercher, handkerchief. 
 Hing, hang. 
 Hazzant, hasrft. 
 
 Hissen, hizsen, himself. 
 
 Hooar, hoar. 
 
 Hoor, hour. 
 
 Hooivir, soomivir, however. 
 
 Hod, hold. 
 
 Hoont, hunt. 
 
 Hooney, my dear. 
 
 Hoorn, horn. 
 
 Hoosey, hussy. 
 
 Hopnin', opening. 
 
 I, J. 
 
 Indoostrious, industrious. 
 Indewoors, endeavours. 
 Indocile, indulge. 
 Intul, into. 
 
 Inspecshun, inspection. 
 Instrooct, instruct. 
 Imbroydarry, embroidery. 
 
 Insoolt, insrdt. 
 Intarmined, determined. 
 Iwir, ever. 
 
 Iwirythin', everything. 
 Joavil, jovial. 
 Joorney, journey. 
 Jubblement, trouble, bother. 
 
 . K. 
 
 Kabslaps, cowslips. 
 Kahud, kind. 
 Keeas, case. 
 Keeap, keep. 
 Keeald, cooled. 
 Kirk, church. 
 
 Knaave, knave. 
 
 Knaw, know. 
 
 Knock on, to walkjaster. 
 
 Kraized, crazed. 
 
 Kye, cow s . 
 
 Kursmas, Christmas. 
 
 Lahtle, little. 
 Lair, barn. 
 Lancli, launch. 
 Lated, sought. 
 Laazy, lazy. 
 Leame, lame. 
 Leea, a scythe. 
 Leead, lead. 
 Leeaf, leaf. 
 Leeaii, lean. 
 Leeatly, lately. 
 Leeftoime, lifetime. 
 Lei^bt, light. 
 
 Leightnin', lightning. 
 
 Leuk, look. 
 
 Lig, lie. 
 
 Loif e o' ma, life of me. 
 
 Loike, like. 
 
 Lone, lane 
 
 Looad, load. 
 
 Lood, loud. 
 
 Loo doon, low down, whispering 
 
 Lowped, leaped. 
 
 Lowsed, loosed, set free. 
 
 Lug, to pull, the ear. 
 
 Lungus, ;// tempered.
 
 M. 
 
 Maantain, mountain. 
 Mair. more. 
 Mah, my. 
 Mahle, mile. 
 Mahn, mine. 
 Mak', make 
 Mannish, manage. 
 Massy, mercy. 
 Mauky, full of~i>/uis. 
 Maund, mind. 
 Meave, move. 
 Measter, master. 
 Mebbe, may be. 
 Meeak, meek. 
 Meer, a marc. 
 Meead, made. 
 Meean^ cross, ill-tempered. 
 Meeat, meat. 
 Meil, meal. 
 Melisha, militia. 
 Mengle, mangle. 
 Mensed oop, tidied up. 
 Mesel, myself. 
 Mezzered, measured. 
 
 Mirackulas, wild, fantastical. 
 
 Misfotten, misfortune. 
 
 Misteean, mistaken. 
 
 Mitch, much. 
 
 Mishun, mission, 
 
 Mizar, miser. 
 
 Monny, money. 
 
 Moog, mug. 
 
 Mooin, moon. 
 
 Moonterbonks, mountebanks. 
 
 Moorn, morn. 
 
 Moorder, murder. 
 
 Mooth, mouth. 
 
 Moommy, mummy. 
 
 Moonch, to eat eagerly. 
 
 Moongrel, a cur. 
 
 Moonk, monk. 
 
 Mooslin, muslin. 
 
 Moock, dirt. 
 
 Mootton, mutton. 
 
 Moozzle, muzzle. 
 
 Mud, might. 
 
 Mun, must. 
 
 Hunnot, must not. 
 
 Nanpie, magpie. 
 
 Natteral, natural. 
 
 Nashernel, nation:* 1 . 
 
 Nauther. neither. 
 
 Neeanie. name. 
 
 Neea, no. 
 
 Neea makkins, no consequence* 
 
 Neead, need. 
 
 Nean, noon. 
 
 Neen, nine. 
 
 Neight, night. 
 
 Nevy, iitp/ien.'. 
 
 Niwer, never 
 Noab'dy, nobody. 
 Noan, none. 
 Noase, nose. 
 Nobbut, only. 
 Nokkaneed, knock-kneed. 
 Noo, now. 
 Nooates, notes. 
 Nooations, notions. 
 Noomber, number. 
 Nootmeg, nutmeg. 
 Not a' thur, halfwitted. 
 
 0. 
 
 Oand, <ni>ned. 
 Oninia, of inc. 
 Ommiiist, almost 
 Onnywhere. am- 
 Oor, our. 
 
 Ootraage. outrage. 
 Ootsoide, outside 
 
 Ootcaast, outcast. 
 Ootcry, outcry. 
 Ootlaudish, outlandish. 
 Ooverpoor, overpower. 
 Ov, of. 
 Ower, over. 
 OWB, ox.
 
 p. 
 
 Paddin' can, cheap lodging-house. 
 
 Pairk, park. 
 
 Pairt, part. 
 
 Pankin pan, pan. 
 
 Payshint, patient. 
 
 Peeal, peal. 
 
 Peerceave, perceive. 
 
 Peicod, peashell. 
 
 fetyms, purpose. 
 
 Pikkald, pickled. 
 
 Pleead, plead. 
 
 Pleease, please. 
 
 Plpo, plough. 
 
 Plbom, plumb. 
 
 Ploomp, plump. 
 
 Pooachur, poacher. 
 
 Poaste, post. 
 
 Poised, kicked. 
 
 Pooblick, publk. 
 Poor, power. 
 Pooddin', pudding. 
 Pooilpit, pulpit. 
 Pooff./wjfl 
 
 ,. 
 
 Poorsooit, pursuit. 
 Pot shop, crockery shop. 
 Prahz, praaise, praise. 
 Pratty, pretty. 
 Pretliee, prithee. 
 Preeaches, preaches. 
 Prisance, presence. 
 Prissant, present. 
 Prood, proud. 
 Prognostikkashuns, prognostica- 
 
 tions. 
 Pund, pound. 
 
 B. 
 
 Baaces, races. 
 
 Baate, rate. 
 
 Backet, noise, confusion. 
 
 Bahve, tear. 
 
 Beead, read. 
 
 Beetiousness, righteousness. 
 
 Beean, reign. 
 
 Befahnd, refined. 
 
 Befoormed, reformed. 
 
 Beight, right. 
 
 Bekcreeashun, recreation. 
 
 Bekken creeak, chimney hook for 
 
 pots. 
 Befoorm, reform. 
 
 Beprooach, reproach. 
 Bepoort, report. 
 Bepoolse, repulse. 
 Biddy, ready. 
 Big'lar, regular. 
 Bist, rest. 
 Boboost, robust. 
 Boobbish, rubbish, 
 Booad, road. 
 Bood, rude. 
 Boond, round. 
 Books, rucks. 
 Boosh, rush. 
 Bowl, roll. 
 
 S. 
 
 Saaint, saint. 
 
 Saave, save. 
 
 Sad brid, heavy bread. 
 
 Sal, shall. 
 
 Sair, sore. 
 
 Sang, song. 
 
 Sannot, shall not. 
 
 Sarhtin, certain. 
 
 Sarmon, sermon. 
 
 Sarred, served. 
 
 Saxpenflorth, sixpenceworth. 
 
 Scaad, scold. 
 Scrat, scratch. 
 Scroolin', scrawling. 
 Seek, sack. 
 Sealdom, seldom. 
 Seeafly, safely. 
 Seea, so. 
 Seeaven, seven. 
 Seead, seed. 
 Seer, sewer, sure. 
 Seetha, see thau.
 
 s. 
 
 Set pot, a copper. 
 
 Shap', shape. 
 
 Shoon ; shoes. 
 
 Sike, such. 
 
 Shaake, shake. 
 
 Shaame, shame. 
 
 Shaated, shouted. 
 
 Shenk's mere, our own legs. 
 
 Sheeap, sheep. 
 
 Shooitin', shooting. 
 
 Shoolder, shoulder. 
 
 Sho, she. 
 
 Shoo'd, frightened by shouts. 
 
 Shogs, runs, comes. 
 
 Shroob, shrub. 
 
 Shrood, shroud. 
 
 Skets, skirts. 
 
 Skeual, school. 
 
 Skoor, score. 
 
 Skoolk, skulk. 
 
 Slaave, slave. 
 
 Slaw, slow. 
 
 Sleeip, sleep. 
 
 Sleeik, sleek. 
 
 Sleeit, sleet. 
 
 Snack, latch. 
 
 Snaake, snake. 
 
 Snatigkt, snout. 
 
 Snicket, a narrow path between 
 
 walls. 
 Scat, salt. 
 Soide, side. 
 Soo, so?v, south. 
 Soondly, soundly. 
 Soor, sovr. 
 
 Sout, sought. 
 
 Spake, spoke. 
 
 Spint-oop, done up. 
 
 'Speshally, especially . 
 
 Sperits, spirits. 
 
 Spleean, spleen. 
 
 Splindid, splendid. 
 
 Spreead, spread. 
 
 Sproot, sprout. 
 
 Staage, stage. 
 
 Stalled, tired, worn out. 
 
 Steal, stool. 
 
 Stean, stone. 
 
 Steeam, steam. 
 
 Stead, stood. 
 
 Steeadfaast, steadfast. 
 
 Steeal, steel. 
 
 Steilin', stealing. 
 
 Steyk t'deer, shut the door. 
 
 Stooary, story, 
 
 Stoof , stuff. 
 
 Stoordy, sturdy. 
 
 Straange, strange. 
 
 Straaite, straight. 
 
 Strackle-braained, hot-headed. 
 
 Strap, getting credit for goods. 
 
 Strucken, stmck 
 
 Sum'dy, somebody. 
 
 Summat, something, 
 
 Sumtahms, sometimes. 
 
 Sumwa', somewhat. 
 
 Surproize, surprise. 
 
 Susy, Susan. 
 
 Swanky, sivipes, small beer. 
 
 Sweeat, sweet. 
 
 T. 
 
 Taedsteals, toadstools. 
 Taen, taken. 
 Tayhts, tarts. 
 Tahard, towards. 
 Tahm, time. 
 Tak', take. 
 Tayed, took. 
 Taylyer, tailor. 
 Teed, tied. 
 Teeastrill, a villain. 
 Teeathwark, toothache. 
 
 Tell'd, told. 
 
 Tengs, tongs. 
 
 Te-moorn, the morrow. 
 
 Teych, teach. 
 
 Tike, an old horse or mare. 
 
 Tit, to the, a horse. 
 
 Tiv, to. 
 
 Tha, tkou. 
 
 Thahsand, theresenz, thousand. 
 
 Thayfoore, therefore. 
 
 Theare, there.
 
 T. 
 
 Tbeigli, thigh. 
 Thoase, those. 
 Thof, though. 
 Thosty, thirsty. 
 Tliranged, thronged. 
 Threeatened, threatened. 
 Thuimered, thundered. 
 Toatliree, t^oo or three. 
 Toime, time. 
 Toon, ttn^n. 
 Tooing, pulling about. 
 Took-oots hearty feeds. 
 
 Tommy, dry bread. 
 Towple, to tumble. 
 Towser, black hole. 
 Traases, troiisers. 
 Treeas, trees. 
 Treid, tread. 
 Trekkle, treacle. 
 TrimmePd, trembled. 
 Trooble, trouble. 
 Twea, two. 
 Twitters, teazes. 
 
 Uts, t hats'. 
 Varry, wry. 
 
 U, V. 
 
 Vast a, a great number. 
 Villhosipede, velocipede. 
 
 W. 
 
 Waay, way. 
 
 Wail, to weep 
 
 Warse, worse. 
 
 Waaken, waken. 
 
 Warld, world. 
 
 Wad, would. 
 
 Wake, weak. 
 
 Warkmates, workmates. 
 
 Wai it gate, till it got. 
 
 Webbs mass, and cock, gosamer. 
 
 Weeas mail, woes inc. 
 
 Weeak an' fond, weak and foolish. 
 
 Weeant, wont. 
 
 Weel, well. 
 
 Weesome, handsome, winning. 
 
 Weshen, washing. 
 
 Wersel, ourselves. 
 
 Whisunteed, Whitsuntide. 
 
 Whoame, home. 
 
 Whoor, our. 
 
 Whoape, hope. 
 
 Wboates, oats. 
 
 Wholly, holy. 
 
 Widder, widow. 
 
 Winder, window. 
 
 Winterhedge, clothes-horse. 
 
 Wire into, beat or scold. 
 
 Withaglit, wi'oot, without. 
 
 Wi', with. 
 
 Wod, would. 
 
 Wodaiit, wuddent, wadna, woula 
 
 Hot. 
 
 Wonl, whole. 
 Woorn, worn. 
 Worant, was not. 
 Wun, one. 
 Wunce, once. 
 Wiir, was. 
 
 Yal, ale. 
 
 Yftlhoose, alehouse. 
 Yan, one. 
 Yance, once. 
 Yar, yoor.jsw;-. 
 
 Y. 
 
 Yat, a gate. 
 YeTcAs, yards. 
 Yewn, an oven. 
 Yond, yonder. 
 Yov', you have.
 
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