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8
THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
Kenneth Macgowan
>
[ This play has been copyrighted at Washington^ and all its stage and
book rights ai-e fully secured. Anyone who infringes them will be
immediately prpsecuted^
MARY GOES FIRST
A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS AND
AN EPILOGUE
BY
"iHENRY ARTHUR JONES
Max Beerbohm writing in the " Siiturday Review" of Henry Arthur Jones's
work in comedy said :
"I should say in evaluating Mr. Henry Arthur Jones that his greatest asset is
his humour. The essence of humour is a tolerance for men and women as they
are. We are grateful that Mr. Henry Arthur Jones has that comfortable gift
which prevents him from dancing on us — that gift of humour whereby he is content
to take us just as we are, and to laugh not less with us than at us. He sees that
his duty lies in giving rein to the delight that he has in mere observation. No
playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, and none
observes more accurately in the milieu he has chosen. Other playwrights may
create more salient and lifelike figures. But none of them creates figures so lifelike.
Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of it while
the play is in progress. From the very outset we are aware merely of certain ladies
and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom and naturalness. It is only when
the play is over that we notice the art of it."
LONDON
G. BELL AND SONS, LTD,
1913
One Shilling net
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MARY GOES FIRST
>
(- ( ( i\j:j ( I ((trie ,Jcinl.)C.')t
a:, I (itinj GCiluA-hcilr
\This play ha^ been copyrighted at Washington, and all its
stage and book rights are fully secured. Anyone who
infringes them will be immediately prosecuted.']
MARY GOES FIRST
A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS AND
AN EPILOGUE
BY
HENRY ARTHUR JONES
Thus it appears that the Honours and Dignities adjudged
by the State, serve often but to varnish the Stratagems and
Pretences whereby they have been obtained ; and the Claim
to Precedency is shewn to be the Claim of those who have
no other Claim to our Admiration and Esteem. — Fettle-
worth's Credentials of Merit (1764), Chapter on Titles.
LONDON
G. BELL AND SONS, LTD.
1913
CHISWICK PRESS : CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO.
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON.
W3^
DEDICATION
i TO MISS MARIE TEMPEST
Dear Marie Tempest,
An author who has spent many months in the
perplexing business of constructing and writing a play
naturally grows tired of it as soon as, or even before,
it is produced. It is a tribute to your delightful per-
formance of Mary Whichello that, though I find a
decreasing interest in watching the play, I find an
increasing pleasure in watching your performance.
In every play it matters little what the author has
conceived and written, if it is not vitalized by the
actor. It is only that part of a play, or that part of a
character, which is thus vitalized by the acting — it
is only this which counts with an audience.
How wonderfully you have vitalized every moment
of Mary Whichello! How right is every accent, how
clearly cut every gesture, how significant every move-
ment, every glance, every look ! What a happy vivacity
of mischief, what a fascinating, busy energy there
is about it all, like that of some pretty butterfly, sud-
denly become industrious!
You seem to take a perpetual enjoyment in your
art. It isn't work; it is just a pleasurable activity,
which infects all who watch it. In these days of long
runs, how often does one notice a decline of the
actor's interest in his work after the first few weeks
372585
VI
of a successful play. The general performance is apt
to grow stale and perfunctory. If it is a comedy, it
is forced into a noisy farce; if it is a serious drama,
it loses its freshness and sincerity of feeling. But an
impersonation of yours continuously retains its first
bright, eager impulse; it remains spontaneous to the
end, and kindles a responsive sympathy of laughter
and emotion as surely on the last night as on the
first.
Gratefully and admiringly yours,
(y^Zs^^^^^/Ti^^^
i^r^i^^
The following is the cast of the comedy as it was first
performed at the Playhouse, Londott, under the
management of Miss Marie Tempest.
To-night, Thursday, September iSth, 191 3, at 7.30
apd every following Evening at 8.30
Miss M^IE TEMPEST will present, for the First Time, a
New and Original Comedy, called
MARY GOES FIRST
By HENRY ARTHUR JONES
Thus it appears that the Honours and Dignities adjudged
by the State serve often but to varnish the Stratagems and
Pretences whereby they have been obtained ; and the claim
to Precedency is shewn to be the claim of those who have no
other claim to our Admiration and Esteem. — Fettle-
\vorth's Credentials of Merit (1764), Chapter on Titles.
Sir Thomas Bodsworth . Mr. Kenyon Musgrave
Richard Whichello . . Mr. Charles V, France
Felix Galpin Mr. W. Graham Browne
Mr. Tadman Mr. George Shelton
Dr. Chesher Mr. Herbert Ross
Harvey Betts {one of the
Junior Liberal Whips) . . Mr. Richard Lluellyn
Pollard Mr. John Alexander
Dakin Mr. Horton Cooper
Lady Bodsworth .... Miss Hamley Clifford
Ella Southwood .... Miss Margaret Bruhling
Mrs. Tadman Miss Claire Pauncefort
and
Mary (Mrs.) Whichello . Miss Marie Tempest
The Play produced by Mr. W. Graham Browne
PERSONS REPRESENTED.
Sir Thomas Bodsworth, knight.
Richard Whichello.
Felix Galpin.
Mr. Tadman. ,
Dr. Chesher.
Harvey Betts, one of the Junior Liberal Whips.
Pollard.
Dakin.
Lady Bodsworth.
Mary Whichello.
Ella Southwood.
Mrs. Tadman.
The scene is laid throughout in Felix Galpin's house, at Saint
John's Hill, the "residential" suburb of the manufacturing town
of Warkinstall.
4
ACT I
SCENB: Drawing-room at FELIX Galpin'S, on an
evening in early January. At the back, left, is a
. wide opening, hung with curtains, which are open
and give a view of a further room. In the right
corner at back is a door. On the right side in the
centre is a large fireplace. On the left side down
stage is a bow window. The rooms are brightly
' and comfortably furnished in a 79iodern style. There
is an absence of feminine knick-knacks. Nothing
indicates very good or very bad taste in the occupier.
Everything is ordinary and unobtrusive ; the furni-
ture is such as would be carelessly chosen by a
young professional inati from the best shop in a
large provincial town. A card table open, with
packs of cards and bridge markers, is at the back.
A bright fire is burning and the room is well
lighted and looks cheerful. A few fiowers on the
shelf, and a large, handsome bouquet on a table, left.
Discover Dakin, the butler. Enter Dr. Chesher, a
Harley Street physician, about sixty, in evening
dress.
Chesher.
(R. GALPIN back from the office yet?
Dakin. Yes, sir. He arrived just after
you had gone up to dress. Here he is,
sir.
Enter FELIX Galpin, a good-looking young lawyer,
rather over thirty ; smart, amiable, good-tempered ;
B
ACT I] 2
a very engaging perso7iality . He is in evening
dress, with a very rare orchid in his button-hole.
Felix. [Advancing cordially to Chesher, shaking
hands^ Ah, my dear Uncle! How are you?
ChesJier. Excellent!
Felix. [To Dakin.] Dakin, get on to the cham-
pagne with the fish. Keep the glasses filled.
Dakin. Yes, sir. [Going.
Felix. And Dakin, when you announce Sir Thomas
and Lady Bodsworth, throw it up a bit [illustrating\
" Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth." Like that!
Dakin. Yes, sir. [Exit.
Felix. He only got his knighthood last week, and
she was a grocer's daughter; so they'll like to hear
their title rolled out. Well, my 'dear Uncle, it's
awfully good of you to run down to this hole
Chesher. How are things looking?
Felix. Thundering bad. The Warkinstall people
are too busy to go to law. They spend all their time
making portmanteaus and harness instead of going
to law, and doing me a good turn. I've only had one
job for a fortnight.
Chesher. But the practice was a good one when you
bought it.
Felix. It had gone down. And when my predecessor
died, old Tadman nipped in and collared the best part
of it.
Chesher. [Looking round.'] But you've taken this big
house in the best suburb — and you're giving dinner
parties
Felix. All the best people, such as they are, live in
St. John's Hill. So I took this house, dine them, go
to church regularly, fuss up all the old dowagers, play
cricket and lawn tennis with the young people, sub-
scribe to all their confounded charities, just to get in
with them all.
Chesher. In order to arrive, you show everybody
that you have arrived.
* 3 [act I
Felix. That 's it. But if I don't arrive very soon, I
shall have to change my point of view, chuck the
Tories and Church people, and go in a mucker for
dissent and radicalism.
Chesher. Will that be necessary?
Felix. It's absolutely necessary that I shouldn't
starve. My income last year was eighty-six pounds.
I've got seven pounds in the bank, and I haven't paid
for to-night's dinner party. Isn't it about time I
changed rfiy political principles?
Chesher. It is better to change one's political prin-
ciples than to starve.
Felix. Oh if it comes \.o principles, vay principles are
thoroughly Tory — so far as they go. Especially as in
Warkjnstall all the nicest people are Tories.
Chesher. The present Member is a Tory, isn't he?
Felix. Elkington? Yes, Elkington is a strong
Tory.
Chesher. The object of going into politics being to
get something out of it, the question for a sensible man
is which party he can get most out of.
Felix. Just so. And I should have turned over to
the Radicals before this only
Chesher. Only?
Felix. I've lately got very friendly with theWhich-
ellos.
Chesher. The Whichellos?
Felix. They're quite the best people in Warkinstall,
rather a different cut from the rest. He 's a big manu-
facturer here, and a very decent fellow. Mrs. Which-
ello is the leader of Warkinstall society — if you can
call it Society. She bosses everything in Warkin-
stall — or she has bossed everything up to now. But
now old Bodsworth has got this title — he 's another
big manufacturer and the Mayor of Warkinstall — he
has just built a barn of a sanatorium, and got this
knighthood for it
Chesher. Oh yes. I saw his name in the New Year's
honours last week — very low down.
ACT I] 4
Felix. Well, low down or not, he has got his knight-
hood. And jolly hard he and Lady Bodsworth have
worked to get it — out of a Liberal Government. I
don't think the Whichellos will quite like it, Mrs.
Whichello especially. She 's a delightful little woman,
but she does like to play first fiddle. Oh, doesn't she?
And now I expect Lady Bodsworth will want to have
a look in.
Cheshcr. They're coming to-night?
Felix. Yes, the Whichellos, the Bodsworths, the
Tadmans, and — Miss Southwood.
Chesher. Miss Southwood?
Felix. Mrs. Whichello's sister — such a charming
girl— in fact — well — I'm engaged to her.
Chesher. On eighty-six pounds a year?
Felix. Ella has a little money of her own. We
aren't formally engaged, except between our two
selves. But Mrs. Whichello is on our side, and I don't
think Whichello will stand out. Ella is only nineteen,
and Whichello is her guardian. That 's the reason I
haven't gone over to the Radicals.
Chesher. Why?
Felix. Whichello is a Tory, and very strong on
Tariff Reform, so I've got to keep in with him. And
I thought if only I can manage to hang on for a year
or two with the Tories and Church people — Tadman 's
getting old and groggy — he may pop off some
day
Chesher. What is the amount of Miss South wood's
fortune?
Felix. Five or six hundred a year. But I don't
want to sponge on her. And if you'd stand by me
for a bit — you've been such a good friend — I don't
like to ask you, but
Chesher. All right my dear boy, I'll see what I
can do.
Felix. Thanks. It's awfully good of you. And
now you're down here, you might give me a lift with
the Bodsworths.
5 [act I
Chesher. How?
Felix. Bodsworth's sanatorium is going to pot.
They've killed a patient with radium. He was a
favourite curate
Chesher. Seems a drastic measure to take — even
with a curate.
Felix. Then Bodsworth is very keen on hot water.
And he 's having ructions with the doctors about the
treatment^ Then just as he gets his knighthood,
there 's a blazing scandal about a young house sur-
geon and one of the nurses — I've asked him to show
you over the sanatorium to-morrow morning.
Chesher. Thank you. What for?
Feli,x. Well, as you're a leading London physician,
he'll be flattered. You might buck him up about his
hot water treatment — he may be having a law-suit
with the doctors
Chesher. In that case, I should probably be on the
side of the doctors.
Felix. But hot water must be a cure for some
diseases. Isn't it?
Chesher. As a panacea it's about equal to most
other cures.
Felix. Well, there you are. And you can praise the
situation — the salubrious air and the magnificent view
— miles and miles of heather — and I say, I've put you
next to Lady Bodsworth at dinner to-night — of course
I take her in — you sit next
Chesher. What subject of conversation would be
congenial to her?
Felix. Oh, the knighthood. You needn't talk about
anything else. She has only been " my lady " a week.
I'm giving this little dinner in honour of the event. I
got that bouquet down from Covent Garden to pre-
sent to her.
Chesher. \_Smelling.'\ Gorgeous!
Felix. Isn't it?
Chesher. Looks almost equal to a baronetcy.
Felix. {Listening, taking out watch.l There's a
ACT I] 6
motor just driven up. You haven't congratulated me
about Ella.
Chesher. I do, most heartily.
Felix. Wait till you see her. I wish for her sake I'd
gone in for politics instead of the law, especially now
there 's four hundred a year to start with. My old
Charterhouse chum, Harvey Betts, has just been
made Junior Whip to the Liberal Party.
Chesher. So I see in the papers this morning.
Felix. When Harvey was at Oxford he was the
fiercest young Tory. Russian despotism was too mild
for him.
Chesher. When a man talks that kind of nonsense
at twenty, you know he'll talk the other kind of non-
sense before he 's forty.
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. {Announces^ Miss South wood.
Ella enters in evening dress, an attractive modern
girl of nineteen. Exit Dakin.
Felix. How d'ye do? \_Shaki71g hands.
Ella. Oh, Mr. Galpin, Mary has sent me on to say
that she and Dick may be a few minutes late. Will
you excuse them?
Felix. Certainly. ^Introducing^ My uncle, Dr.
Chesher, Miss Southwood.
Chesher. How d'ye do? \^Shaking hands.
Ella. How d'ye do? Is this your first visit to Wark-
install?
Chesher. Yes. I've not been able to get away since
my nephew has settled here.
Ella. I hope you'll come again. \To FELIX.] Mary
has given me a message for you
[Slightly glancifjg at CheSHER.
Chesher. [Taking the hint.'] Felix, I've got a tele-
gram to send. Will you excuse me?
7 [act I
lExzt Chesher. Felix watches him off^
then goes quickly to ELLA and snatches a
kiss.
Felix. [Very admiringly^ You look charming!
Ella. Do I? I've been so rushed — I had to throw
my things on. Mary's terribly upset.
Felix. What about?
Ella. Lady Bodsworth.
Felix: What 's the matter?
Ella. I'he woman has become quite insufferable.
She dcfes nothing but wallow in this knighthood.
Felix. It is rather a dizzy honour. Give me another
kiss \theykiss'\ and tell me all about Lady Bodsworth's
wallowing.
Ella. Her head 's turned. She insists on patronizing
Mary. Fancy any one patronizing Mary! There was
quite a flare-up after the meeting this afternoon.
Felix. Meeting?
Ella. This Working Girls' Protection Society that
they are getting up.
ipelix. Oh yes — to look after the behaviour of the
factory girls.
Ella. Well, it has been rather shocking. And last
month the wives of the manufacturers met, and de-
cided to form a Girls' Protection Society, and let all
the factory girls know that they'd be expected to
join.
Felix. Kind of Mutual Moral Insurance Company.
Ella. Mary took a lot of trouble, and naturally she
expected to be made President.
Felix. And wasn't she?
Ella. No. Lady Bodsworth has worked the thing
and this afternoon at the meeting she was elected
President. And she positively gloated over Mary.
Felix. Did she? Give me another kiss [snatching a
kiss'] and tell me what Mary did when Lady Bods-
worth gloated.
Ella. She came home and nearly had hysterics.
Felix. Nearly? I wonder she didn't quite. How-
ACT I] 8
ever, I suppose we shall have to let Lady Bodsworth
gloat.
Ella. No. Mary sent me on to say that as the
knighthood has only been announced, and Mr. Bods-
worth hasn't yet got the title, she supposes in strict
etiquette you'll take her in to dinner to-night.
Felix. \^Aghasti\ Take her in to dinner ?
Ella. Mary wouldn't have raised the question with
anyone but you ; but as you want to be engaged to
me, she thinks you might oblige her.
Felix. But how can I ?
Ella. It's very hard on Mary. She has always
been taken in first at every dinner party in Warkin-
stall. Now Lady Bodsworth will always go first, so
this will be the last time for poor Mary.
Felix. Is she very keen on it?
Ella. Well she says she doesn't mind. But between
ourselves she is simply furious at Lady Bodsworth's
rudeness to her this afternoon.
Felix. What on earth am I to do?
Ella. He isn't actually knighted. It would be strict
etiquette, wouldn't it?
Felix. I don't know the strict etiquette of the
thing, but I'm giving this dinner in honour of the
knighthood. I've told Bodsworth so. And I've got
that bouquet for Lady Bodsworth.
Ella. Can't you explain to the Bodsworths?
Felix. Good Heavens, no. I should make them
enemies for life. No, I must take in the old Bods-
worth woman now!
Enter Dakin announcing ratJier loudly, a little over-
doitig it.
Dakin. Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth.
Enter SiR Thomas and LADY BODSWORTH. Exit
Dakin. Lady Bodsworth is about forty-five.
She is rather stout and made up to look young.
9 [ACT I
Her hair is obtrusively golden, very plentiful arid
puffed out. Her complexion is artificial, and her
cheeks bloom with a magenta tint. She is hand-
somely and showily dressed, with a good deal
of jewellery. She is patronizing, fussy, self-con-
scious, self-satisfied, and beaming with amiability.
BODSWORTH is a stolid, thick-set, rather pompous
man ^about fifty, with large immobile features ;
thick^oarse black hair turning gray ; he is quite
deMitute of humour. FELIX advances very cor-
dially to Lady Bodsworth as Ella shakes
hands with SiR TlIOMAS.
Felix. [Shakitig harids.] My dear Lady Bodsworth,
this is really good of you.
Lady B. We've been quite overwhelmed with in-
vitations since Sir Thomas received his honour.
Everybody seems so pleased that we have been re-
cognized. We are lunching at Petbury Park on
Tuesday.
Felix. I'm in luck.
Lady B. I really think you are. We had three
invitations for dinner to-night. But as we had ac-
cepted yours, we thought it wouldn't be honourable
to put you off.
Felix. Noblesse oblige!
Lady B. Quite so. Ah, Ella, my dear!
\(^oes to Ella and kisses her very affection-
ately, talks with her.
Felix. Sir Thomas, how are you?
Sir T. [Shaking hands?^ Run off my legs. My own
business — municipal business — churchbusiness — polit-
ical business — and now this honour — really if people
knew what it entailed they would scarcely envy me
the distinction which it has pleased His Majesty to
confer upon me.
ACT I] 10
Chesher has re-entered.
Felix. [Gz///«^(7^LadyB0DSW0RTH.] Lady Bods-
worth, let me present my uncle, Dr. Chesher of Harley
Street.
Lady B. I'm very pleased to meet you.
Chesher. [Shaking hands.'] Delighted.
Lady B. Sir Thomas has just given a sanatorium
to Warkinstall. From first to last it won't cost less
than
Sir T. Shush, my dear. Whether it costs thirty
thousand or forty thousand, what does it matter?
Felix. My uncle is very much interested in hot
water treatment
[ With a little wink and an imploring look
at Chesher.
Sir T. \^l7i teres ted.] Indeed ! I'm sorry to say my
present staff are very much prejudiced in favour of
their own methods.
Lady B. Sir Thomas has derived so much benefit
himself from hot water that he wishes all the patients
to be given a chance.
Felix. {^Looking anxiously at CHESHER.] My uncle
says that in certain diseases hot water — eh, uncle?
In certain diseases ?
ChesJier. It was extensively used by Gil Bias of
Santillane when he practised in Seville.
Sir T. How did it answer in his case?
Chesher. Several of his patients died. But that may
have been a natural predisposition, such as a doctor
often encounters in his patients. And Gil Bias stuck
to his treatment.
Sir T. Quite right. Is he in practice now?
Chesher. I'm afraid not — but his reputation remains.
Sir T. Because that 's the kind of doctor I want at
the head of my sanatorium.
1 1 [act I
E7iter Dakin.
Dakin. {Announcing^ Mr. and Mrs. Tadman.
Enter Mr. and Mrs. Tadman. Exit Dakin. Mrs.
Tadman is a pleasant^ motherly, middle-class
woman about sixty. Tadman is about seventy,
with ^straggling white hair a?id a shiny rosy com-
plexion — gouty — shaky — tremulous.
•
Felix. {Shaking handsi\ How d'ye do?
Mrs. T. How d'ye do?
Felix. So kind of you to come. \To Tadman.]
How are you? {SJiaking hands.
Tadmaji. First rate — just as good a man as ever
I was.
Felix. Then you'll be able to do justice to a bottle
of port.
Tadmafi. {His eyes brighten, and he briskly rubs his
decayed hands.'] I'll try! I'll try! There's only one
wine — {with a little anticipatory smack of the lips]
port! Sir Thomas, I hope you won't change your
principles on Tariff Reform.
Sir T. Change my principles on Tariff Reform? I
Tadman. Now the Liberal Government has hon-
oured you.
Sir T. The Liberal Government makes a very great
mistake if it supposes that I am to be bought by a
knighthood.
Tadman. {Comes closer to him, glances at ELLA who
is talking to Mrs. Tadman.] I hear that Whichello
is wobbling over the food taxes
Sir T. Yes, and he's siding with the Radicals
against me over the cemetery and the tramways
extension.
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. {Announcing^ Mr. and Mrs. Whichello.
{Exit Dakin.
ACT I] 12
Mrs. Whichello is a piqtiant, attractive little lady,
rather under thirty. She has the air of one accus-
tomed to be first in her own circle. She is clever
enough to get Jier own way by finesse and persuasion
when she catinot command it by authority — a very
determined little creature. She is charmingly but
very quietly dressed in a well made gown. Her
hair is done very plainly and neatly. She wears
one very handsome pearl and diatnond necklace,
and no other jewellery, except a wedding ring. She
shows suppressed excitement from the afternoon
quarrel with Lady Bodswort^j. She is evidetitly
full of mischief ripe for an explosion, and is pre-
serving her self-control zvitJi^ difficulty. DiCK
Whichello is a good looking, very ordinary
Englishman of the better middle classes ; rather
over thirty-five, getting stout and lazy ; something
of the sporting type ; very casual, amiable, and easy
going as a rule, but very obstinate and hot-tempered
whe?i he is provoked.
Felix. [ Very cordially to Mary.] Delightful of you
to spare me an evening. [Shaking hands.] How are
you? No need to ask. [Turning to DiCK, shaking
hands \ How are you?
Dick. Splendid.
Felix. [Introducing^ Dr. Chesher, Mrs. Whichello.
Mary. [Shaking hands with Chesher.] How d'ye
do?
Chesher. Very pleased to meet you.
Felix. [Introducing^ Mr. Whichello — Dr. Chesher.
[Dick and Chesher shake hands and talk.
Mary nods and smiles to Mrs. Tadman,
who returns the nod and smile.
Mary. [Z^? Tadman.] How d'ye do. ^
[Shaking hands.
Tadman. Growing younger every day.
Mary. [Bowing to SiR THOMAS.] Sir Thomas, I
have congratulated you on your honour, haven't I?
13 [ACT I
Sir T. [ Very stiffly.'] Thank you, you have con-
gratulated me three times during the past week.
Mary. Have I? [Very sweetly.'] Oh, I really must
give myself the pleasure of congratulating you once
more. May I?
Sir T. \_Shows resentment.] If you wish, but — really
I
[Turns to Lady Bodsworth, who stands
looking at Mary, maliciously triumphant.
^ There is an awkward pause as the two
^ wometi look at each other. MARY bows
very distantly to Lady Bodsworth.
Lady Bodsworth barely inclines her
head. FELIX watches apprehensively and
tries to smooth the unpleasantness.
Felix. [To Lady Bodsworth.] Mrs. Whichello,
like all of us, feels she cannot sufficiently express her
congratulations to her old friends, eh, Mrs. Whichello?
Mary. Yes, that 's it.
Fe/ix. [To Mary.] And I'm sure Lady Bodsworth
is equally pleased to receive your congratulations.
Lady B. Oh, I've no wish to be unfriendl}-. I'm
quite ready to forget our little tiff this afternoon if
she is.
Mary. Oh, quite.
Lady B. [Patronicingly.] You and Mr. Whichello
must come and lunch with us some day.
Mary. We shall feel honoured. Shan't we, Dick?
Dick. Yes, delighted.
Lady B. Shall we say Tuesday? No, I forgot. On
Tuesday Sir Thomas and I are lunching at Petbury
Park. The Countess saw me yesterday in the High
Street. She stopped her motor instantly, and gave
me the most pressing invitation.
Mary. The dear Countess!
Lady B. She was so hearty in her congratulations.
She said, " Come on Tuesday. Petbury and I shall
be quite alone, and we shall have you all to ourselves."
Mary. How delightful for you ! And for them !
ACT I] 14
Lady B. So it can't be Tuesday. Shall we say
Wednesday?
Mary. May I look at my book when I get home?
Lady B. Certainly. Name your own day, and
remember that for the future I shan't bear any ill-
feeling ; and I hope you won't.
Mary. Ill feeling? ! My dear Lady Bodsworth, I'm
only too thankful for your sake that this dreadful
scandal at the Sanatorium wasn't made public before
the New Year's honours were announced.
Sir T. Why? What difference would it have made?
Mary. Well, with such disgraceful behaviour going
on in your beautiful new building before the walls
were scarcely dry, it would have made it very difficult
for the Government to reward you Yor your noble gift
to the town.
Sir T. [ Very .'!tiffly.'\ I don't see that. We needn't
discuss the matter,
Mary. No. No. Better keep it quiet. I hope there 's
nothing more to come out
Sir T. We have made a thorough inquiry, and the
affair is terminated.
Mary. I'm so glad you've managed to hush it up.
[To Lady Bodsworth.] What have you done with
the nurse?
Sir T. [ Ve7y stiffly^ We have expelled her,
Mary. Quite right. Quite right. I hope you made
her feel that her shocking conduct has shed quite a
blight over the general rejoicing.
Sir T. Not at all ! Not at all !
Mary. It has shed a blight on my rejoicing, I can
never go by your beautiful sanatorium now without
dreading that the nurses and doctors are
Sir T. [Interrupting.'] We need not pursue the
subject.
Mary. No, No, The less said the better. But I
always distrusted her yellow hair, I've invariably
noticed that when a woman has that peculiar shade
of hair, and especially when she dresses it in that
*■ 15 [act I
ridiculous towzly fashion — [SAe sees the expression on
Sir Thomas's face and she makes a feigned gesture
of intense vexation?^ Oh, what have I said? What have
I said? My dear Lady Bodsworth! How could I be
so thoughtless! How could I ?
\Making little helpless appealing gestures of
apology to Lady Bodsworth and to
all the company.
Lady B\ ^Mtich offended.'] I hope you don't compare
me with a person of that class
J/rtrj^.*No! No! A thousand apologies! Now, do
say you forgive me!
Lady B. {Curtly?^ Oh, certainly.
Mary. Thank you. I can't tell you how much T
admire your hair, no matter how it 's done. By-and-
by I shall ask you to tell me how you get that effect.
Now you will tell me, won't you?
Lady B. [Curtly.] Oh, it's quite simple.
Mary. Ah, it may be easy to you
Felix. [ Who has been very anxiously watching, in-
terposes.] You mustn't discuss these delicate little
feminine secrets before us men. Mrs. Whichello,
you're passionately fond of flowers — what do you
think of these for early January?
{Draws Mary off to the bouquet.
Mary. [Goes into raptures^ Roses and carnations!
YTakes up the bouquet, smells it, admires it.] Aren't
they exquisite? [To ELLA, who has joined them.
Ella. Perfectly lovely!
Mary. [Putting down the flowers.] Did you give
my message to Mr. Galpin?
Ella. Yes. [Looking at FELIX.]
[They draw together and are see?i to be talking
eagerly. Mary is excited, and is mging
her point of etiquette. Felix is depre-
catory, apologetic, explanatory, and per-
suasive. Lady Bodsworth is talking
to Mrs. Tadman, witJi a?igry glances
at Mary. Mrs. Tadman is trying to
ACT I] l6
soothe her. SiR THOMAS, Tadman,
Chesher, and DiCK are grouped to-
gether.
Dick. You must join our golf club, Sir Thomas.
Sir T. [Shakes his head.] Too busy — and now I've
been recognized — it's a great burden — no time for
golf.
Dick. He must make time, mustn't he, Doctor?
Chesher. As a serious career golf is an excellent
substitute for politics.
Dick. By Jove, yes. [To SiR THOMAS.] I shall put
you up. We must have you. The fact is our present
course is rotten. We want you to let us have that
corner slope below the Sanatorium.
[Chesher y^/wi' Lady Bodsworth and
Mrs. Tadman.
Sir T. I am about to enclose that slope in the
Sanatorium grounds for the benefit of my patients.
Dick. Oh they can stroll about it. We really must
have that slope.
Sir T. It's quite impossible. I'm a little surprised
at your asking, after opposing me on the Town Council
with regard to the tramways and the cemetery,
Dick. Oh, we must give the new town a decent
cemetery.
Sir T. There is plenty of room in our venerable
old churchyard. And I hope, when it pleases Heaven
to call me to itself, that what is mortal of me will
repose in the shadow of our ancient parish church.
Dick. You don't want what is mortal of you to
drain down into my factory, do you?
Sir T. [Offended^ I consider that remark as quite
uncalled for — indeed profane. I intend to oppose the
cemetery and the tramways extension. Especially as
both proposals emanate from the Radicals.
Dick. What does it matter where they emanate
from, if they're for the good of the town?
Sir T. We must keep the control and administra-
tion of all these matters in our own hands. And I
< 17 [act I
trust that as Chairman of the Conservative Party I
may rely on your support.
[Dick utters a little discontented grumble.
Tadman. There's another thing, Whichello. We
must have a thorough, complete, well-considered
measure of Tariff Reform.
Dick. Oh, I'm a convinced Tariff Reformer, pro-
viding the leather trade is considered. But I'm hanged
if I see ho^ we're going to carry the food taxes.
TadinafA It 's absolutely necessary. It all hangs
togethenr I've worked out a complete scheme. I can
show you the figures.
Sir T. I hope, Whichello, you will re-consider your
entire attitude. You are going the right way to split
up the Conservative Party in Warkinstall.
[Dick titters another discontented little growl.
They go on discussing the ^natter.
Chesher has joined LADY BODSWORTH
and Mrs. Tadman. Felix, Mary, and
Ella have been talking amongst them-
selves.
Mary. I merely raised it as a point of strict
etiquette.
Felix. I wish I could — but
\_Looks helplessly at Ella.
Ella. I think you might have obliged Mary.
Mary. {Turyting to the bouquet^ It really doesn't
matter. Aren't these flowers perfectly exquisite?
Felix. I'm glad you like them.
Mary. I dote on roses and carnations. Now I'm
sure you must have got them especially to please me,
didn't you?
Felix. Yes, I did.
\Glances at Lady Bodsworth, whose back
is turned to them.
Mary. [To ELLA.] Wasn't it kind of him? He
knew how fond I was of roses and carnations.
[Smelling them.
Felix. [Glances again at Lady Bodsworth'S back
c
ACT I] 1 8
— hesitates — makes up his i)ii7id.'\ Will you accept
them? I sent up to Covent Garden especially to get
them for you, \Hands them to her.
Mary. How good of you! Dick! Look at these
flowers! Mr. Galpin sent up to Covent Garden to get
them especially for me.
{Goes to Mrs. Tadman and displays them in
frofit of Lady Bodsworth, who holds
herself enviojisly aloof
Tadman. [Who has been arguing tvith DiCK.] No!
No! My scheme is elastic. It tightens over bacon in
one place, and relaxes in another. The same with
cheese! That 's the beauty of it! It gives and takes.
[Felix has been talking to ELLA, looking at
his watch, and glancing anxiously at the
door.
Felix. Sir Thomas, will you take in Mrs. Whichello ?
Whichello— Mrs. Tadman. \To Tadman.] You'll
look after Miss South wood, won't you? Uncle, you'll
have to bring up the rear, [foining LADY BODS-
WORTH.] Lady Bodsworth, I am to have the privilege,
[ The couples sor-t tliemselves afid talk apart.
Lady B. [Enviously.] What a lovely bouquet you
presented to Mrs. Whichello.
Felix. Um, Not bad. [Dropping his voice and look-
ing cautiously round to see that they are not overheard?^
I don't care much for roses and carnations.
Lady B. They are rather vulgar.
Felix. One orchid is worth a ton of them. I wonder
if you'd do me the honour to wear this
[ Taking the orchid from his button-hole.
Lady B. I shall be pleased.
[Looking enviously at Mary'S bouquet.
Felix. Can you fasten it?
Lady B. Yes, I think,
Felix. An orchid is the aristocrat of flowers.
[She places it in the neck of her dress, which
is rather decolletee.
Felix. That 's a very rare variety. [ With a little
19 [act I
half-wink at ELLA, who is watchingi\ It 's the first
specimen to come to Warkinstall. {^Admiring it.'\ Ah,
now it shows to advantage!
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. Dinner is served, sir. \Exit.
Mary.\Replacing her bouquet in the vase.] I'll put
them ther^ till I go home.
Lady^B. [Going off arm-in-arm with Felix — speak-
ing loudly so that Mary can hear.] Yes, an orchid is
such an aristocratic flower — so very aristocratic.
[Exeunt Felix and Lady Bodsworth.
Sir T. [Goifig off' with MARY.] And he is also op-
posing me on the cemetery and the tramways.
Mary. Is he? [Turning to DiCK, who is just behind
her.] Dick, I'm surprised at you opposing Sir Thomas.
[To Sir Thomas.] I must talk to him very seriously.
[Exeunt Sir Thomas and Mary.
Mrs. T. [On Dick's arm?^ I don't quite understand
Tariff Reform, but Mr. Tadman has worked it all out
most carefully.
Dick. So have I, and I'm convinced that if we put
on food taxes
[Exit with Mrs. Tadman on his arm.
Ella. [On Tadman'S arm, turns round to Chesher.]
I wish there was another of me to come in with you,
Dr. Chesher. [ Goi?tg off.
Chesher. Ah! You'd be much safer with medicine
than you are with the law.
[He follows them off. The curtain falls for a
few seconds to signify the passing of the
dinner-time.
ACT I] 20
Scene II. The same, after dinner. The curtains be-
tween the rooms have been drawn closely together-
Lady Dodsworth ««^Mrs. Tadman are seated
7iear to each other, and apart from MARY and
Ella. Mary has her bouquet in her hand and is .
admiring it. Ella is turning over a book of
views.
Lady B. [Expansively.]
]K don't take it so much as an honour to our-
selves, as to the town.
Mrs. T. [Toadying.] That 's what Mr. Tad-
man and I feel.
Mary. [Solemnly.] That 's what we all feel. Don't
we, Ella?
Ella. Oh yes. Couldn't we have some fireworks
over it?
Mary. Ella, please put away that book, and listen
to Lady Bodsworth.
[Ella does so, and assumes an air of great
interest in Lady Bodsworth.
Mary. You were saying, dear Lady Bodsworth
Lady B. [Ignorifzg Mary, speaks to MRS. Tadman.]
That is how Sir Thomas and I wish it to be regarded
— as an honour to everybody in Warkinstall.
Mary. Will it go round?
Lady B. Go round?
Mary. There are forty thousand people in Warkin-
stall. It 's very unselfish of you, dear Lady Bods-
worth, to share your honour amongst us, but — well,
there won't be much for each of us, will there?
Lady B. [Getting angry.] Of course if you're an-
noyed
Mary. Annoyed?! My dear Lady Bodsworth! My
very dear Lady Bodsworth!
Lady B. [To Mrs. Tadman.] As it appears to
upset Mrs. Whichello perhaps we'd better change the
subiect.
21 [act I
Mary. Oh, I love it! I could keep on all the
evening.
Lady B. [To MRS. Tadman.] We shall have a
house in town for the season. Of course we shall
have to go up when Sir Thomas receives
[Mary touches Ella's arm with a solemn
look of reproof, as if calling her to pay
" ' reverential attention to Lady Bods-
woRTH. Lady BoDSv^ORTH j-/^/j, ?^/j-^/f.
Mary. [After a pause of mock expectancy^ When
does Sir Thomas expect to be commanded ?
Lady B. I should really be obliged if you would
choose some other topic of conversation.
Mdry. Certainly, dear Lady Bodsworth. [ Very
szveetly.] And what shall we talk about now? Oh
yes! So you are lunching at Petbury Park?
Lady B. We are lunching at Petbury Park.
Mqry. On Tuesday, isn't it?
Lady B. I believe I have already mentioned that
fact. ,
Mary. Yes, but why not mention it again, dear
Lady Bodsworth.-*
. Lady B. Because it might cause you pain.
Mary. Pain? My dear Lady Bodsworth! Why
should it cause me pain?
Lady B. You're not invited, I believe?
Mary. We couldn't expect it, as we dined there on
Saturday.
^LadyB. [Upset.] Dined! Oh! [Nonplussed:] Indeed!
Mary. [More sweetly than ever.] And what shall
we talk about now?
Ella. I do think somebody ought to organize some
fireworks
Mary. [Reprovingly.] My dear Ella, it is not for
you to choose a topic of conversation. We are wait-
ing for Lady Bodsworth
[Looking at Lady Bodsworth with an air
of reverent expectancy.
Lady B. [Looks at Mary with withering scorn, then
ACT I] 22
magnificently ignores her, and speaks to MRS. T AD-
MAN.] Of course it's only natural that small minds
should feel jealous when they see others selected for
honour, while they themselves are left out in the cold.
\^Just deigning to glance at MARY.
Mary. My dear Lady Bodsworth! My very dear
Lady Bodsworth!
Lady B. There 's no need to " Lady Bodsworth "
me quite so often.
Mary. No?
[Lady Bodsworth rises, draws herself up
and again looks at MARY with withering
: scorn.
Lady B. [To MRS. Tadman.] I feel, dear, that you
would be more comfortable in the next room.
[Going towards curtains.
Mrs. T. [Detaining her. '\ Oh, I shouldn't take any
notice. I'm sure Mary wishes to remain friends, don't
you, Mary?
Mary. Oh, certainly. But if Lady Bodsworth
doesn't wish me to call her Lady Bodsworth, what
am I to call her.-*
Mrs. T. You used always to call each other
" Fanny " and " Mary."
Lady B. It was quite at her own wish that I called
her " Mary."
Mary. If I remember rightly, dear Lady Bods-
worth, you asked me to call you " Fanny"; and said
might you call me " Mary." And I replied, " Oh,
certainly!" Everybody in Warkinstall calls me
" Mary."
Mrs. T. I don't suppose she'd mind if you called
her " Fanny."
Mary. [Looking mischievously at LADY BODS-
WORTH.] I don't think I could call her " Fanny " —
now! Dear Lady Bodsworth, would you think it
disrespectful if I called you "Fanny"?
Lady B. It 's quite immaterial to me what you call
me. Please yourself.
23 [act I
Mary. [ Very szc/eet/y.] Thank you so much. [A
little pause.'] And what shall we talk about now —
Fanny?
Lady B. \Enraged, is about to explode; controls her-
self; tries to tJiink of something very satirical, fails.]
I should much prefer that you didn't address any
further remarks to me.
Mary. Very well, Fanny — \checks herself] — Lady
Bodsworjh.
Ladv B. S^Seats herself with dignity and tiirns to
Mrs. Tadman with the greatest amiability, speaks at
Mary.] How very nicely the meeting for the Girls'
Protection Society passed off this afternoon !
Mrs. T. Yes — very.
[Mary admonishes Ella by a look to pay
reverential atte?ition to Lady Bods-
WORTH.
Lady B. I was so glad that they elected me as
President; because I do feel that in my new position
I shall be able to do so much to keep the poor girls
out of temptation
[Mary utters a little gaspy shriek, pulls her-
self up, and looks demurely in front of
her.
Lady B. Are you unwell, Mrs. Whichello?
Mary. Very nearly. Dear Lady Bodsworth, would
you permit me to address one single remark to you?
Lady B. [^Sjispiciously.] Oh, certainly.
Mary. [ Very respectful.] Don't you think, dear
Lady Bodsworth, that these poor factory girls, with
their love of finery and making the most of them-
selves — don't you think, if they are allowed to see
very much of you, they may be tempted to imi-
tate
Lady B. Imitate what?!
Mary. [Glaticing at Lady Bodsworth's coifftire.]
Those tresses
Lady B. [^Gathers herself up for a great burst of in-
dignation^ I have never been so insulted — I will not
ACT I] 24
endure these insinuations — \sphittcrs like a damp fire-
work\ Really I — ^just when everybody is so pleased
that we've been honoured — really I — \crying a little]
I will not — \_recovers herself\ But I can quite under-
stand your feeling so spiteful at not being elected
President
Mary. Spiteful, dear Lady Bodsworth?!
Lady B. But I wouldn't show it. It's so small, so
very small! I wouldn't be small if I were you!
Mary. Oh, if it comes to our figures, {^Glancing at
her own and Lady Bodsworth'S.] I'm very well
satisfied.
Lady B. \_Magnificently indigtiant^ I will thank you
not to make any further remarks to me or about me!
Mary. Very well, dear Lady Bodsworth!
Lady B. [To Mrs. Tadman.] I'm sorry you should
be exposed to all this annoyance. But we needn't put
up with it any longer. [Beckons to MRS. Tadman to
follow her off at curtains; then turns to Mary very
spitefully i\ But you weren't elected President, were you?
[Exit through curtains. MRS. Tadman has
risen, a little embarrassed.
Mrs. T. [In a low tone to MARY.] We all thought
as Sir Thomas had just been knighted, it would be
a pretty compliment to elect her as President. I hope
you don't mind
Mary. Mind?! My dear Mrs. Tadman! But those
poor factory girls! Keep them out of temptation?!
Why, with her powdered cheeks and her yellow hair,
she looks like an impropriety herself!
Lady B. [Comes through the curtains^ overwhelmed^]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Sir Thomas enters, followed at short intervals by
Chesher, Dick, Tadman, and Felix.
Sir T. What's the matter?
Lady B. I have never been so insulted
Sir T. Insulted?!
• ■ 25 [act I
Lady B. Mrs. Whichello called me
Sir T. What?
Lady B. \Crying a little^ She said I was — Mrs.
Tadman, you heard
Sir T. What did she call you?
Lady B. I couldn't repeat the word. We had better
go home at once. \Going towards door.
Felix. [Stopping her.'] No, Lady Bodsworth
4 [ Tries to soothe her.
Dick^ Mary, what's this?
Mary. Nothing. I made a remark to Mrs. Tadman.
Lady Bodsworth was in the next room. I didn't know
she was listening. I'm sorry.
Sir T. Sorry?! I wish to know what term you have
applied to Lady Bodsworth. [There is a pause.
Felix. Sir Thomas, Mrs. Whichello has said she
was sorry — I trust ^
Sir T. I insist on knowing the exact term which
has been applied to Lady Bodsworth. Fanny!
[Calls Lady Bodsworth aside, questiojis
her, and is seen to be shocked and in-
digtiaftt. Dick questions MARY, and is
seen to show ayuioyance. Tadman ques-
tions Mrs. Tadman. Felix waits to
question Tadman; when Tadman has
received the information, FELIX calls him
aside, and questions him. CHESHERybzwi"
them. Ella slips quietly between the
curtains into the next room.
Dick. [Having questiofied MARY, in a tone of annoy-
ance^ You oughtn't to have said it.
Mary. It slipped out.
Dick. Oh!
Mary. I tell you it slipped out.
Dick. Bodsworth, as an old friend I'm sure you
won't take any notice of this
Sir T. Not take any notice.?! Do I understand
Whichello that you approve of your wife calling Lady
Bodsworth an impropriety?
ACT I] 26
Dick. Certainly not, but-
Sir T. Then perhaps you will ask her to make a
full and ample apology.
{^Looks threateningly at Mary.
Dick. \_Projnpti)ig.'\ Mary!
Mary. I'm extremely sorry
Sir T. Sorry?! My wife an impropriety! The
thing's monstrous!
Felix. I'm sure Mrs. Whichello didn't use the word
in any objectionable sense. It is a term that is often
used in playful badinage — which I'm quite sure is all
Mrs. Whichello intended.
Sir T. I don't care what Mrs. Whichello intended.
I am waiting for her to apologize.
\^Looks threateningly at MARY. A longish
pause.
Mary. [ Very simply and sincerely^ I am extremely
sorry, Lady Bodsworth.
Lady B. "Sorry" isn't an apology, is it?
Felix. Oh yes, it's quite equivalent, especially as
Mrs. Whichello said it — with such genuine regret.
Now that 's passed over. Can we get up a rubber at
bridge? \^Moving towards the card table.
Sir T. I do not play bridge, and I do not consider
that it has passed over.
{^Looking at Lady Bodsworth.
Lady B. It's such a flagrant offence. I couldn't
pass it over without an apology.
Felix. Mrs. Whichello, may I offer your sincere
regrets, shall we say apologies, to Lady Bodsworth?
[Lady Bodsworth looks very triumphantly
at Mary — tJiere is again a long pause.
Mary. Certainly.
Felix. There, Lady Bodsworth! That is very satis-
factory, and we can all be friends again. Tadman, I
know you're longing for a rubber
\Again moving towards card table.
Lady B. \^Keeping her position, looking vialiciously
triumphant at Mary.] It 's so very flagrant. I should
* 27 [act I
prefer an apology in writing — in case it might happen
again. {Looking at SiR THOMAS.
Sir T. Certainly — you're quite right. An apology
in writing. \Looking at MARY.] Will that be forth-
coming?
Mary. [ Very decisively^ No.
Sir T. Oh! Then do I understand that you call
Lady Bodsworth an impropriety, and refuse to
apologizfef
Mary, i did not call Lady Bodsworth an impro-
priety, i said she looked like an impropriety. {Look-
ing intetitly at LADY BODSWORTH, speaking very
deliberately, slowly driving each word honiei] She does
not look like an impropriety — [looking LADY BODS-
WORTH up and down] not the least like an im-
propriety.
Lady B. Oh — Oh — Sir Thomas, will you please
have our motor called?
Sir T. One moment, Fanny. Tadman, I shall place
this matter in your hands. You will please draw up a
form of apology; make it very stringent and submit
it to me.
Tad)nan. Yes — yes. Sir Thomas — but as I am also
Whichello's legal adviser, I can act for both of you.
Sir T. You can act for me or for Mr. VVhichello;
but in this instance I prefer to have my own lawyer.
Tadman. You'd better let me arrange. I should
advise Mrs. Whichello to retract
Mary. Thank you, Mr. Tadman, we prefer to have
our own lawyer.
Dick. No, no Mary. [Ls seen to be arguing with her.
Sir T. You will oblige me, Tadman, by saying
whether you intend to act for Mr. Whichello or
for me.
Tadman. Oh for you, Sir Thomas, of course —
but
Sir T. Very well. If Galpin will kindly excuse you,
we will take our measures at once. Mrs. Tadman had
better come with us while the exact words that Mrs.
ACT I] 28
Whichello used are fresh in her mind. I'm sorry to
break up your party, Galpin
Felix. I'm sorry for the reason, Sir Thomas. \To
Lady Bodsworth.] But can't I persuade you
Lady B. I couldn't think of remaining in the com-
pany of [Looking indignantly at MARY.] I'll wait
downstairs, please, till our motor is ready.
Felix. \_Offers his arm.'] Allow me. I'm sure Mrs.
Whichello didn't intend [Going off.
Lady B. Oh, please don't mention her name.
[Felix takes off Lady Bodsworth. The
Tadmans are saying good-night and
shaking hands with DiCK and MaRY.
SirT. [r^CHESHER.] Good-night, Doctor. [Shak-
ing hands."] My wife an impropriety! What is your
opinion of that?
Chcsher. A very obvious error in classification.
Sir T. My wife an impropriety! [Getting more
angry.] The more I think of it, the more monstrous
it seems! [Impatiently.] Now, Tadman, if you're
ready [Exit.
Mrs. T. [To Chesher.] Good-night
Chesher. Let me see you to the motor.
[Takes off Mrs. Tadman.
Tadman. [Shaking hands with DiCK.] Very sorry
— but as Sir Thomas is my oldest client — I'm sure
you'll understand
Mary. Oh we quite understand. [Exit Tadman.
Dick. You've let me in for a pretty thing now
Mary. You surely don't want me to apologize
Dick, You'll have to one way or the other.
Mary. Indeed, I shall not. Sign an apology, for
that woman to take about Warkinstall and show all
my friends!
Dick. I'm not going to have a lawsuit. I shall go
round to Tadman in the morning and get him to
settle it.
Mary. Tadman?! He's on their side. You can see
that. I shall consult Mr. Galpin
29 [ACT I
Felix re-enters.
Oh, Mr. Galpin, I'm so sorry this has happened, but
you'll be able to get us out of it, won't you?
Re-enter Chesher.
A
Felix. I'll do my best, as a friend
Mary. No, we want you to act for us
Felix. Mr. Tadman is Mr. Whichello's lawyer
Mary. Then you'll have to be mine.
FeJ.ix. If Mr. Whichello wishes, but
Dick. I'm not going to have a lawsuit.
Felix. I'll take very good care you don't, if I handle
the case.
Mary. There Dick! And I'm not going to
apologize.
Felix. There will be no necessity, if I handle the
case.
Mary. There Dick! [DiCK utters a low, discon-
tented growl. Mary goes to him.'] Now Dick, don't
be unreasonable. Mr. Galpin will arrange it so
that I don't apologize, and that you don't have a
lawsuit! [/^ seen to be arguing with him.
Chesher. \In a low voice to FELIX,] How are you
going to manage it?
Felix. I'm hanged if I know. \To Mary.] It isn't
very late. Shall we have just one rubber?
Mary. Oh, do!
[Felix wheels the card table into the centre
of the room.
Felix. Uncle, you'll take a hand. I'm very sorry,
Mrs. Whichello, that you and Whichello have had
such an uncomfortable evening.
Mary. Oh, I've enjoyed it thoroughly. Haven't
you, Dick ? [DiCK growls very discontentedly in his arm-
chair.] Dick, come up to the table and behave your-
ACT I] 30
self. If you don't, I shall have to go and stay with
Aunt Henrietta again. You won't like that. She
won't have you near the place. [DlCK £-rozii/s again.
Felix. \^Sprcading out a pack?\ Shall we cut?
Mary. [Cuts.] Now Dick, come and cut, and think
of something that will make you look happy!
Dick. [Rises, growls, comes to table ^ What?
Mary. Think you've got to take me home in your
motor car, while poor Sir Thomas has got to take
Lady Bodsworth! [Q,YLYJ&YiY.V. has cut. DlCK lias cut.
Mary. [Ctits.] Two.
Felix. [Cuts.] Four. You and I, Mrs. Whichello.
Where will you sit? [Shuffling the cards vigorously.
Mary. Here.
[Felix puts the cards he is shuffling before
Dick, who cuts to Mary. Mary deals.
Dick. You're sure you can keep me out of a lawsuit,
Galpin?
Felix. [Vigorously shuffling the other cards!] If I
handle the case. " Never go to law," is the advice I
always give my clients. And up to the present I've
kept them out of it.
Mary. And I shan't have to apologize?
Felix. Never.
Chesher. How much are we playing for?
Dick. Five shillings a hundred?
Mary. Oh, say ten. I'm thirsting for somebody's
blood!
Dick. [Groans.] You're going to draw mine if you
don't take care!
Mary. Hold your tongue, Dick.
[Ella enters from curtai^is and comes up to
table.
Dick. You'd better come round and see me in the
morning.
Felix. Right. What time?
Dick. Ten. No, I've got to play golf. I'm full up
all day. [To MARY.] Why couldn't you keep your
mouth shut?
* 3 1 [act I
Mary. Keep your cards up.
Ella. What's the matter?
Dick. Mary is going to let me in for a lawsuit with
the Bodsworths.
Ella. What fun!
Mary. No trumps!
QUICK CURTAIN
Six weeks pass between Acts I and II
ACT II
Scene: The Same. About four o'clock on an afternoon
in late February. The curtains are closely drawn,
shutting out the further room. A bright fire is
burning.
Discover FELIX with four or five dictionaries on table
in front of him; one is open, -and he is bending
over it.
Enter DakIN showing in ELLA in pretty winter
outdoor dress. Exit Dakin. Felix rises, takes
Ella's hand, kisses her in silence.
Felix.
.OU'RE a little late. I hope Mrs. Whichello
won't be long. I've had to leave the office
and there's only the boy.
Ella. Mary 's coming on. Dick and she
are having another row.
Felix. Over the Bods worth business?
Ella. Naturally. There has been no other business
in our house since the night of your dinner. Dick and
Mary argue and argue and argue. Felix, when we're
married, we shan't be always arguing like that, shall we."*
Felix. Certainly not. I'll do all my arguing in
Court.
Ella. It would be so dreadful, if we got quarrelling,
just like ordinary married people.
Felix. How can they do it? How can they do it?
Ella. And Mary is so perfectly right, isn't she?
Felix. Perfectly right.
33 [ACT II
Ella. She can't give a written apology?
Felix. Out of the question.
Ella. If the Bodsvvorths take it into court, we shall
win, shan't we?
Felix. We've got to — somehow. This is my first
important case, and I can't afford to lose it. Especially
as I've just got the chance of another.
Ella. Have you.?
Felix. Bgrrodaile was in my office this morning.
He 's inclirted to fight the Church people over the
new cemetery and crematorium.
Ella. I hope he will. Did you encourage him?
Felix. I said, " Never go to law. But," I said, " in
this instance, I don't see how you can possibly lose."
Ella. Yes, that 's the way to put it.
Felix. Oh, by the way [Draivitig a letter from his
pocket and giving it to Ella] my uncle has promised
to tide me over another year.
Ella. Isn't he a brick? [Reading.'] " I am persuaded
that a young man with your flexible convictions is
bound to succeed."
Felix. He's a good judge of character. Read on.
He's called to a consultation at Barsfield, so he's
dropping in on his way back to town.
Ella. Oh yes. [Reading.] " So I shall be with you
a little after three."
Felix. Things are looking up at last
Ella. Yes, if you get the cemetery case — do you
think you will?
Felix. Well, Borrodaile is a stiff-necked old Radical.
He hinted pretty strongly that he couldn't employ a
Tory lawyer.
Ella. Couldn't you — manage to drop being a Tory
— just for the time?
Felix. I've a jolly good mind to drop being a Tory
altogether. Oh! I ought to have gone in for politics
at the start! Look at my old chum, Harvey Betts
Ella. Yes. Mary wants to talk to you about
him
D
ACT II] 34
Enter Dakin showing in MARY.
Dakin. [Announces.] Mrs. Whichello.
[Exit Dakin. Mary is smartly dressed in
winter clothes.
Felix. How d'ye do?
Mary. [Cnrtly.] How d'ye do? [Barely shakes
hands, and drops into a chair.'] I do think my hus-
band is the most stupid, obstinate man on earth!
Felix. Oh, not quite so bad as that, is he?
Mary. [Decisively.] Now, Mr. Galpin, this affair of
the Bods worths must be brought to a head.
Felix. Well, it seems to be shaping that way.
Mary. The question is whether you are on Dick's
side or mine?
Felix. On yours — certainly on yours.
Mary. Because Dick says you entirely agree with
him that a lawsuit must be avoided.
Felix. Oh no, oh no! My advice is, "Never go to
law if you can possibly avoid it." But there are
times when you can't possibly avoid it.
Mary. Well, Dick 's coming on here directly
Felix. I must talk to him.
Mary. I hope you will. Because I may tell you
plainly that if you wish to be engaged to Ella, you
will insist to my husband that it would be a fatal
step for me to apologize.
Felix. I'll put that strongly to him.
Mary. You'd better, if you wish to marry Ella.
Ella. Oh, I couldn't think of giving him up. Could
I, Felix?
Mary. My dear Ella, you couldn't possibly marry
Mr. Galpin if he gets your sister into a horrible mess,
and makes her cave in to that dreadful old impro-
priety.
Ella. But Felix won't, will you?
Felix. You may rely I shall do everything in my
power to convince Mr. Whichello.
Mary. Very well. If you bring Dick round to our
35 [act II
way of thinking, I'll take care he gives his consent to
your marriage with Ella, as soon as this has all blown
over.
Ella. There, Felix. You will stick to Mary, won't you?
Felix. I will, like a leech.
Mary. Then that 's settled. Now, Ella, I want to
talk to Mr. Galpin. The motor's outside. You go
on to Carrick and Green's, and get your dress tried
on. I'll be;ithere to try on mine as soon as you've
finished. .Send the motor back for me.
Ella. All right. \^Going to door. To FELIX.] Don't
comedown — no surrender! No apology! Down with
the Bodsworths! Down with impropriety! \Exit.
Mary. Have you seen Mr. Tadman?
Felix. Yes. He says the story is being repeated
all over the town, and Lady Bodsworth is obliged to
insist on the apology.
Mary. You told him I wouldn't sign?
Felix. I said I would submit it to you, but I feared
it would be useless. \Pra'ws a large blue envelope out
of his pocket., takes out a blue paper and gives it to
Mary, who reads it.] Tadman is calling on Sir
Thomas this afternoon for his final instructions. He
said he'd look in here on his way up.
Mary. [Having looked at the paper, gives a little
shriek, reads a little further, gives a louder shriek^
Sign this?! Why doesn't she ask me to sweep her
doorsteps? {About to tear it tip.
Felix. No, don't tear it. I must show it to Which-
ello.
Mary. No, he might want me to sign it.
Felix. Well, I must keep it for reference.
\^She gives him the paper.
J/rtr;/. " Undertake not to repeat "! When
she 's going about telling everybody the most dread-
ful — there's no other word — lies about it. The ac-
count she gave to the Petburys when they lunched
there! Never mind! I gave Lady Petbury my ver-
sion. I kept her laughing for an hour.
ACT II] 36
Felix. I wouldn't say anything about it while
there 's a lawsuit pending.
Mary. Not say anything about it? Oh yes I
shall! Every day I think of something fresh!
Felix. I hope you're careful to say nothing that
isn't strictly accurate.
Mary. Accurate? You don't expect me to be ac-
curate, after the awful things she is saying about me?
Felix. You must remember it will be all taken back
to her.
Mary. Yes! That 's exactly what I want. I thought
of two perfectly fiendish additions yesterday
Felix. You haven't used them, I trust?
Mary. Yes, I went round to Mrs. Bratwick and
told her. Mrs. Bratwick is her dearest friend, so I
knew she'd go straight and tell the impropriety.
Felix. You mustn't use that word
Mary. Oh, everybody calls her that now. She'll
never be known as anything else. Now, how soon
shall we have a General Election?
Felix. Within a few months — certainly within a
year. What has that got to do with it?
Mary. Mr. Elkington's majority was only seven-
teen. They say he'll lose the seat next time.
Felix. Most likely, I should say.
Mary. Dick has always been a Tory, but they're
having dreadful rows on the Town Council about the
new cemetery and the tramways. Dick is disgusted
with them. I'm persuading him to turn Liberal.
Felix. That wouldn't win us our lawsuit.
Mary. No, but — Mr. Harvey Betts, the Junior
Liberal Whip, is a great friend of yours?
Felix. Yes, we're old Carthusians. Harvey is a big
man now. I wish I'd gone in for politics!
Mary. Couldn't you invite Mr. Betts down for a
week-end?
Felix. Oh yes. But how would that serve us?
Mary. If Dick would only turn Liberal, and win
the seat for them
37 [ACT II
Felix. What then?
Mary. There was an old baronetcy in the Whichello
family. It has been extinct for over a hundred
years ■
Felix. They'd scarcely give Whichello a baronetcy
for winning the Warkinstall seat.
Mary. No, not for merely winning the seat. But —
aren't there other ways?
Felix. \Wiat do you mean?
Mary. ^Don't they give baronetcies and peerages to
people who subscribe to the party funds?
Felix. Yes — but they have to fork out pretty
heavily.
Mary. How much?
Felix. Heaven only knows — and the party leaders.
Mary. Couldn't you get Mr. Betts down and find
out from him how much?
Felix. Oh, I daresay Harvey would come. But to
get a title you have to be deserving in other ways.
Mary. How deserving?
Felix. Well, Bodsworth happened to be building a
sanatorium, and it came in just handy for the Insur-
ance Act.
Mary. {After a little thoughtful pause."] Dick shall
give the town the new cemetery and crematorium !
[Suddenly bursts into laughter.] Ha! Ha! Ha!
Felix. What's the matter?
Mary. Fancy Lady Bodsworth having to be cre-
mated in our crematorium ! Ha! Ha! Or even only
buried!
Felix. At the rate we're going on, it will cost us a
lot before we do get rid of her.
Mary. Never mind! It has got to be done!
Felix. I don't know what we're going to let Which-
ello in for.
Mary. We're going to let him in for a baronetcy.
Felix. Yes, but will he stand the racket?
Mary. He'll have to stand the racket. You aren't
going to turn on his side, are you?
ACT II] 38
Felix. No, but hadn't we better tot up before we
go any further? Now this lawsuit — suppose it goes
against us?
Mary. It wouldn't cost very much, would it?
Felix. Can't say. Some hundreds at least. A good
deal would depend upon the impression you make on
the jury.
Mary. Oh, I think I can manage that. Lady Bods-
worth will have to appear too?
Felix. Of course.
Mary. In that wig? Oh, we shall romp in!
Felix. Yes, but the other side will want to know
exactly what you meant by " impropriety."
Mary. Well, what did I?
Felix. Well, what did you?
Mary. You said you'd look me up a meaning.
Felix. \Going to the dictionaries i\ I asked McClintock
to lend me his big etymological dictionary. He sent
these in just before lunch.
Enter Dakin, showing in Chesher.
Chesher. How are you, Felix?
Felix. How are you?
Chesher. Mrs. Whichello — delighted to meet you
again ! \^Shaking hands.
Mary. You're paying us another visit?
Chesher. I've just looked in for an hour on my way
back to town. Everything going well? I hope that
little affair with the Bodsworths has quite blown over?
Felix. Not quite. Mrs. Whichello and I were just
talking it over.
Chesher. Then I'm in the way. {Preparing to go.
Mary. No, don't go. Perhaps you could help us.
Chesher. Delighted. But how can I be of any use?
Mary. If you were on the jury, would you think
"impropriety" a very dreadful word?
Chesher. Well, it depends upon the way it was used
— and who used it.
39 [act II
Mary. I used it. You remember that night of Mr.
Galpin's dinner party, and you remember how Lady
Bodsworth looked. Now, don't you think I was quite
justified? [Chesher does not answer.] Under the
circumstances?
Chesher. Well, I shan't be on the jury.
Mary. No, but if you were? Tell me candidly.
Chesher. What was the exact phrase?
Felix. ^Quoting.] " With her powdered cheeks and
her yellow hair, she looks like an impropriety."
Mary. Did I say that?
Felix. Those were the exact words.
^Referring to the blue paper.
Mary. Are you quite sure? I know I used the
word " impropriety," but, if I remember rightly, I
didn't use it in any derogatory sense.
Felix. Sir Thomas had the words taken down that
night. Mrs. Tadman will swear to them, and they are
prepared to subpcena Miss Southwood.
Mary. Ella? Ella doesn't remember exactly what
I said, but she's quite sure I didn't mean anything
horrid.
Felix. Unfortunately Miss Southwood won't have
•to decide what you meant. The other side claim
that " impropriety " means a — a — a lady of a certain
class.
Mary. Oh, no! Oh, no! I didn't mean that.
Felix. They will put it to the jury that you did.
Mary. Dr. Chesher, if you were on the jury, you
wouldn't say that " impropriety " means — a — a —
would you?
Chesher. Isn't it a useful variant for ?
Mary. For what?
Chesher. You know our English way. When we
want to escape from a fact we escape from a word.
When the fact turns up again, we escape to another
word. In the end, we find we haven't abolished the
fact. We have merely corrupted the English language.
Mary. I haven't corrupted the English language.
ACT II] 40
have I? We must have some word for a — that sort
of lady.
Chesher. We had a good Bible and Shakespearean
word, but it was too painfully exact to be applied, so
we escaped to more pleasing substitutes. The early
Victorian term was amiably descriptive, and carried a
mild reproof.
Mary, What was that?
Chesher. About eighteen-forty it was customary to
speak of a " Fie! Fie!"
Mary. I never heard the word.
Chesher. " Fille de joie " seems to be growing daily
more appropriate, judging from the appearances of
some of our fashionable restaurants. There are many
other more or less suitable terms. Those who are
curious in such lore may slake their thirst for know-
ledge in Parminter's " Dictionary of Polite Synonyms."
Felix. \_Has been busy over the dictionaries. \ We
haven't yet decided what Mrs. Whichello meant by
impropriety.
Mary. I meant — what do the dictionaries say it
means?
Felix. \Reading from a dictionary i\ "Impropriety:
the quality of being improper. An erroneous, or un-
suitable expression, act, etc." [Mary shakes her head.
Felix. \Turning to another dictio7iary.'\ " Impro-
priety: that which is improper." Quotation from Jane
Austen.
Chesher. Surely not!
Felix. " Elizabeth had never been blind to the
improprieties of her father's behaviour."
Mary. Well, I wasn't blind to the impropriety of
Lady Bodsworth's behaviour. What else?
Felix. \_Reading from another dictionary.'] "Impro-
priety: indelicacy, unseemliness "
Alary. [Jumps at it.] " Unseemliness ! " That 's
what I meant! No jury would give heavy damages
for " unseemliness."
Felix. You can never tell what a jury will do.
41 [act II
Mary. Dr. Chesher, if you were on the jury ?
Chesher. Ah, but I'm not.
Mary. But would you give heavy damages merely
because I said that Lady Bodsworth's way of dress-
ing her hair was unseemly?
Chesher. Pardon me, was that exactly what you
said?
Mary. Never mind what I said. That was what I
meant. ^[Chesher shows surprise.] Surely I must
know, what I meant. And if you were on the jury,
and I told you that all I meant was that Lady Bods-
worth's hair was unseemly, wouldn't you believe me?
Chesher. I'm very much afraid I should.
Mary. [To Felix.] We'll stick to unseemliness!
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. Mr. Tadman is below, sir,
Felix. I'll come down to him.
Mary. Couldn't he come up here?
Felix. [To Dakin.] Show Mr. Tadman up.
Dakin. Yes, sir.
Chesher. Felix, I shall be going up by the five-
thirty. I'll see you bye and bye. [To Mary.] If I
can't be of any further use
Mary. You might stay and tell Mr. Tadman that
if you were on the jury
Chesher. [Shakes his head with a chuckle^ Ah, but
I'm not going to be. [Pops off.
[Exit Chesher, leaving door open. A moment
later is heard to say " How d'ye do? "
Tadman'S voice responds, " How d'ye do,
doctor? "
Felix. [To Mary.] Now, you will be careful with
Tadman — don't repeat " impropriety."
Mary. No — " unseemliness."
Felix. We might try a bit of bluff
Mary. Yes. How?
Felix. Shush!
ACT II] 42
Enter Dakin, announcing Tadman. Enter Tadman.
Exit Dakin.
Tadman. How d'ye do, Mrs. Whichello?
Mary. How d'ye do?
Tadman. How do again, Galpin?
Felix. Take a seat, won't you?
Tadman. [Sitting:] I can't stay. Sir Thomas is
expecting me. I hope Mrs. Whichello consents to an
apology?
Felix. {Firmly.'] I don't think so, eh, Mrs. Whichello?
Mary. Certainly not.
Tadman. Then we must take it into Court.
Felix. I suppose Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth
fully realize what that means?
Tadman. Pretty heavy damages, I should say.
Felix. What for? Mrs. Whichello inadvertently
makes a playful little comment on Lady Bods-
worth
Tadman. Playful little comment!
Felix. For which she expresses her deep regret.
Lady Bodsworth refuses to accept our apologies, and
insists on bringing it before a jury. Well now Tad-
man, are you really going to allow Lady Bodsworth
to offer her hair and complexion to the contempla-
tion of a jury? [Mary^zWj- a little chuckle^ And so
justify Mrs. Whichello's playful little comment?
Tadman. I suppose Mrs. Whichello knows the im-
plied meaning of impropriety?
Mary. Yes, it means " unseemliness." [Tadman
gives a derisive little grunt.] It says so in the
dictionary. [TADMAN again gives a little grunt.
Felix. Mrs. Whichello will be delighted to explain
to the jury exactly what she meant.
[Tadman again gives a little grunt.
Mary. I'm longing to go into the box — simply
longing.
Felix. Our counsel will be instructed to treat the
atzent/y.] Tsh! Tsh! Tsh! [To Tad-
man.] I've just seen Monkhouse, and he tells me that
as an old friend of us both, he has got Sir Thomas to
promise to meet me and talk this over amicably.
Mary. Mr. Galpin and I have decided upon a
course of action-
Dick. Have you? Well, I have decided upon a
course of action.
[Mary in despair sits down, looks very ob-
stinate, taps the ground impatiently with
her feet, exchanges glances with Felix,
and makes contemptuoiis gestures as
Dick proceeds.
Dick. Now Tadman, will you tell Sir Thomas that
I shall be pleased to talk this over in a friendly
way?
Tadman. Certainly. When and where?
Dick. This is neutral ground. If he wouldn't mind
stepping round ?
Tadman. I'll suggest that to Sir Thomas.
Dick. And if he'll meet me over the apology, I'll
meet him over the tramways and the cemetery.
Mary. We must have a cemetery. And a crema-
torium.
Dick. Tsh! Tsh! Tsh! Bring him along. Galpin, I
hope I may rely on you to help me arrange this with
Sir Thomas.
Felix. Certainly. [Rings bell.
Tadman. [ Takes up his hat and is going."] I've no
doubt Sir Thomas will be ready to listen to any
proposal
Mary. I daresay he will! Rather than allow Lady
Bodsworth to go into the witness box with that very
unseemly hair and complexion!
Dick. [Angrily.] Mary! [DAKll curtains. Left alone DiCK shakes his
** head dubiously, as if dissatisfied with
• the situation, goes up to curtains, calls
out to Mary.
Dick. Now, Mary, please let me have a quiet five
minutes with Bodsworth, and don't interrupt.
■ Mary. [Within?^ All right, I'll look out of the
window.
Dick. [Suspicious.'] Galpin, just see that we're not
disturbed, there 's a good fellow.
[He shakes his head again, very doubtfully.
Enter Dakin, showing in SiR THOMAS and Mr.
Tadman. Exit Dakin.
Dick. [Goes to SiR Thomas very cordially, offers his
hand.] Ah, Sir Thomas, I'm delighted to meet you —
[Sir Thomas, stolid and rather cold, shakes hands.]
Our old friend Monkhouse wants us to make this up.
He says you are quite willing.
Sir T. I'm ready to discuss the matter. Mr. Galpin
is not here?
Dick. [Glancing nervously round at curtains^ I've
asked him to let you and me have a quiet five minutes
together. [Drawing SiR Thomas away from the
curtains and speaking in a low voice.] Now, you and I
are sensible men, Bodsworth, aren't we?
Sir T. I have always prided myself upon my good
sense, and the clear view I take of things,
Dick. iVnd I hope I'm not an utter ass. Well, let
us start from that platform, and work from that.
ACT II] 52
Tadman. An excellent platform! Two sensible
men! Work from that!
Dick. \G lancing nervously at curtains ; drawing SiR
Thomxs further away; dropping his voice still lower.]
Now, between ourselves, old friend, if our wives
choose to quarrel, there's no reason that you and I
should be fools enough to follow suit, and make our-
selves the laughing-stock of the town.
Sir T. I am not accustomed to regard myself as a
laughing-stock,
Dick. No! No! {Dropping his voice again, always
with a nervous eye on the curtains^ But folks are
laughing at us, aren't they, Tadman?
Tadman. They are taking that view of it.
Dick. I've never been so much chaffed in my life.
And they'll laugh more if we're fools enough to go
to law.
Sir T. I am quite prepared to arrange it.
Dick. Very well. Then {^dropping his voice] we
agree to settle it amicably.
Sir T. On a satisfactory basis.
Dick. Of course, on a satisfactory basis. [ Whisper-
ing^ The great thing is, we don't go to law. Let 's
shake hands on that.
{Offering hand; they shake /utnds, DiCK very
cordially.
Tadman. That 's what I advised on the night — ar-
range it amicably.
Dick. So you did, Tadman. Well, we have arranged
it amicably. Now [dropping his voice to a coaxing
whisper and drawing them towards him] let 's all meet
at the Club in an hour's time, and settle the details
over a bottle of champagne. I'll bring Galpin on.
Sir T. I have promised Lady Bodsworth that no
step shall be taken without her knowledge.
Dick. \Is upset.] Oh! {Dropping his voice.] I don't
think that's wise! {Coaxing.] Hadn't we better fix it
up at the Club, and tell our wives afterwards? You
can send Tadman on to tell Lady Bodsworth, and I'll
* 53 [ACT II
send Galpin on to tell Mrs. Whichello. And you and
I can stay on at the Club, and have a little friendly
dinner together, eh?
Sir T. [^Finnly.] I have given my pledge to Lady
Bodsworth to settle nothing without her. She is wait-
ing in the motor outside. I had better bring her
up [^Making a little movement towards door.
Dick. I don't think I would! {Coming up very cau-
tiously to SfR T., speaking in a nervous whisper.'] Can't
we all pop down to the Club ?
Sir T. {Getting very suspicious , speaks loudly. '\ Pop
down to the Club? Why should we pop down to the
Club? We are doing nothing to be ashamed of, I hope?
Dick. No, no
Sir T. Then why do you speak in whispers? Don't
you wish everything to be open and above-board?
Dick. Oh yes, oh yes
Sir T. Then as Lady Bodsworth is the insulted
party-:
Dick. Oh, not insulted
Sir T. Not insulted?! She is designated as an "im-
propriety," and she is not insulted?!
Dick. Well, we needn't go into that just now
. Sir T. But that is precisely what we must go into.
And if you wish to settle it amicably
Dick. I do, I do. But I do think that Lady Bods-
worth's presence — eh, Tadman?
Tadman. I don't see how we can arrive at any
understanding without Lady Bodsworth's sanction.
Sir T. Certainly not. Nor shall I be any party to
" popping into the Club," or any underhand negotia-
tions whatever. Lady Bodsworth and I are willing
to discuss the matter — without prejudice
Tadman. [To DiCK.] You won't get a better chance
to settle, Whichello.
Sir T. Then with Galpin's permission I will bring
her up. Where is Galpin?
Dick. He'll be here directly. He popped into the
next room at my request.
ACT II] 54
Sir T. \^Groiuing more suspicious. '\ " Popped into
the next room?!" I don't like all this "popping''
into next rooms, and " popping " into Clubs, Galpin
had better be present if we are to come to a settle-
ment. I'll fetch Lady Bodsvvorth, {Exit.
Dick. {Approaches Tadman in a cautious whisper."]
I got Galpin to take my wife into the next room
{Indicating curtain, i
Tadman. There? /
Dick. Yes. She 's better out of the way. Now
Tadman, you're an old friend ?
Tadman. Certainly.
Dick. {Glancing nervously round at cuj'tains.'] Well,
let 's look alive and fix this up amicably. You'll help
me, won't you?
Tadman. Certainly.
Dick. Thanks. And if Galpin can only manage to
keep her quiet for ten minutes
{The curtains are moved aside, and FELIX is
seen to be restraining MARY froin com-
ing in.
Felix. We can keep an eye on the situation in here.
Mary. {Entering in spite of him.] I prefer to keep
an eye on the situation in here. {Looks at DiCK for
two or three moments with an air of benevolent contempt
and a little shrug.] Well, my dear Dick, so you've
bungled it again!
Dick. {Getting angry ^ Bungled it! Oh no, I
haven't! I'm going to settle this amicably! {Tapping
the table emphatically with each word.] D'ye see?
Whether you like it or whether you don't, I'm going
to settle it amicably ! {Again tapping the table.
Mary. {Serene^ Very well, my dear Dick, settle it
amicably.
Dick. I'm going to!
[ With an emphatic nod of the head.
55 [act II
Lady Bodsworth entei's, followed by SiR THOMAS.
She has discarded her light wig, and her hair is
now plainly brushed, of a dark brown colour, with
a suspicion of being dyed. Her complexion is not
made up, and is rather pale and pasty. The result
is a startling change in her appearance. DiCK has
a little shock, and turns away to recover himself.
Feli^ has also a shock which he conceals as
quickly as possible. Mary has a gaspy little
chuckle, and turns to Felix, who admonishes Jier
into silence by a warning look. Mary immediately
controls herself into preternatural gravity, but
every now and then steals a sly look at FELIX and
nudges him very slightly with her elbow to look at
Lady Bodsworth.
Felix. \Offering hand^ How d'ye do, Lady Bods-
worth? [Lady Bodsworth takes his hand coldly^
Do please be seated.
[Lady Bodsworth remains standing.
Dick. How d'ye do. Lady Bodsworth?
Lady B. [ Very self-conscious, preserving a stern dig-
nity.] I am quite well, I thank you.
Dick. Sir Thomas and I have made up our minds
as old friends to settle this amicably.
Lady B. Of course, if you wish to apologize. \Look-
ing at Mary.] I was not aware, when I came up, that
I should be called upon to meet
Mary. [^Looking at her, nods a?id speaks very sweetly.^
How d'ye do? You'll pardon me for not recognizing
you at first, now that you're — [looking at her^ now
that you're not — not so blonde as you were.
[Lady Bodsworth gathers herself up with
wrathful dignity and looks at SiR
Thomas.
Sir T. Whichello, if you wish to settle this amic-
ably, you had better request Mrs. Whichello not to
make any further remarks.
ACT II] 56
Dick. Ye-es. \Looks imploringly at Mary, who is
demure and determined— looks at Tadman and FELIX
for support^ Hadn't we better pop down — adjourn to
the Club?
Lady B. I think as I have been insulted, I have a
right to be present. \Looks at SiR Thomas.
Sir T. Certainly. Now Whichello, Tadman and I
are ready to listen to what you propose.
Mary. One moment. Sir Thomas. Something has
just occurred to me — I should like to consult Mr.
Galpin — please excuse me
\^She draws Felix aside, and is seen to be
arguing a point ; he shakes his head and
demurs ; she urges the point more strongly
— he still endeavours to quiet her. DiCK
shows great irritatioH, and makes signs
to her and FELIX.
Mary. [To Felix.] Yes! Yes! [To SiR T.] Please
excuse us a moment. It's most important. [T^c Felix.]
Mr. Galpin, please ask Sir Thomas
Felix. We needn't raise that question at present
Mary. Yes. Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth
have a right to know
Dick. [ Very much irritated.'] Galpin, don't let 's mess
about with any trumpery details. Let's get on to the
main point, and settle it.
Mary. My dear Dick, this is the main point. Mr.
Galpin, please explain to Sir Thomas
[Felix again tries to dissuade her in dumb
show.
Sir T. Now Galpin, my time is precious. What is
this point that Mrs. Whichello has raised?
Felix. [Doesn't like the job?] Mrs. Whichello says
that if this case should unfortunately come into Court
— which we hope may be avoided — would Lady Bods-
worth appear before the jury as she is now, or as she
appeared on the night
[Lady Bodsworth utters an indignant ex-
clamation and looks at SiR THOMAS.
57 [ACT II
Mary. It wouldn't be fair not to give the jury an
opportunity of judging
Sir T. \Expmids and explodes.'] Really — upon my
word — I have never — Tadman, it's useless for us to
remain any longer. Fanny! [^Prepares to go.
Dick. \_S topping hini^ No, Bodsworth, no ! There 's
no need to get in a temper! You and I are sensible
men! Let's talk it over quietly, as sensible men!
Tadman, explain to Sir Thomas
'\^e urges T ADM AN to mollify SiR Thomas.
Tadman goes to Sir Thomas and
Lady Bodsworth, and is seen to be
soothing them. Dick goes to Felix and
Mary, and is seen to be arguing with
Mary, and begging her to keep quiet.
' The two groups hold a little conference
apart from each other, and are seen to be
talking it over.
Tadman. Now Whichello, Sir Thomas will hear
what you propose
Sir T. Without prejudice.
Dick. Well, first of all, I should be disposed to give
in to Sir Thomas over the tramways
Sir T. A very sensible determination.
. Dick. [Irritated by SiR T.'S tone.] You think so?
Well, I don't. Still, to avoid a row here, and a row
on the Council
Sir T. There need be no row, if you stick to your
principles, Whichello, instead of playing into the
hands of the Liberal Party.
Dick. [Getting a little angry.] Playing into the
hands of the Liberal Party?!
Sir T As you have been doing for the last six
months.
Dick. Good Heavens ! The town wants the tram-
ways badly enough
Tadman. Better leave that question, Whichello.
You wish to settle this matter amicably.
Dick. [Grudgingly?^ Well, I'll give in over the
ACT II] 58
tramways. And I'll give in over the cemetery and the
crematorium. And I call that a very handsome offer.
Especially as the old churchyard is only a quarter of
a mile above my factory, and a precious damp hole
into the bargain.
Sir T. I must ask you not to speak disrespect-
fully of the hallowed spot where I intend to be buried.
Mary. Dick, you ought not to object to Sir Thomas
getting buried where he likes.
Dick. [Turns round on her savagely^ Will you
please keep quiet. He may get buried whenever and
wherever he pleases — for all I care. It's a mouldy,
unwholesome bog, and it ought to be shut up. But
rather than keep on having these perpetual rows
over it, I'm willing to drop the new, cemetery.
Mary. May I ask a question?
Dick. [Fiercely^ No! For Heaven's sake be quiet
for five minutes, and let 's get this settled.
Mary. But, my dear Dick, if we don't have a new
cemetery, where are all the patients from Sir Thomas's
sanatorium to be buried?
[Sir Thomas and Lady Bodsworth show
great anger. Tadman quiets them down.
Dick. [Has turned fiercely on Mary.] Will you
please hold your tongue? You've got me into this
confounded muddle, and now you — [Sees Felix, who
has been standing quiet and impassive, turns savagely
on him'\ Galpin, are you acting for me in this matter,
or are you not?
Felix. Yes
Dick. Well, what are you standing there for? Why
on earth don't you back me up, and help me get this
settled?
Felix. If you'll give me your instructions
Dick. I have given you my instructions. Good
Heavens! If you're going to act for me, act for me,
and don't stand there with your hands in your pockets!
Act for me!
Felix. Tadman, Mr. Whichello has made very
59 [act II
liberal concessions over the tramways, and the ceme-
tery. I hope Sir Thomas considers them satisfactory.
Sir 7". Quite satisfactory, so far as they go.
[Dick g'z'ves an unconciliatory growl.
Felix. In return for these concessions, Mr. Whichello
expects certain concessions on your side — which he
will now formulate. {Looking at DiCK.
Tadman. Now, Whichello
Dick. ' Well, of course you'll agree to drop the law-
suit, and draw in over the apology; and I think Sir
Thomas might let us have the slope under the
sanatorium grounds for the golf club — at a valua-
tion.
Sir T. Quite impossible. I consider that English-
men-waste far too much time on golf
Dick. Oh, you do? I suppose I'm the best judge
of how I waste my time?
Sir T. Certainly. But if you were more often in
~ your place on the Town Council, supporting me
Dick. Supporting you ?!
Sir T. Instead of playing into the hands of the
Liberal Party when you do come
Dick. {ThorougJily roused.'] When I do come I'm
, going to vote for what I think right and proper,
and I'm going to support just whom I jolly well
please! [ Walking about, conies towards Mary.
Mary. \In a low tone to DiCK.] He 's walking over
you!
Dick. Support you? ! Good Lord, you walk about
like a little tin god, and you think you've got the
town in your pocket! Support you? ! I'll let you see
that you're not going to boss everybody and every-
thing any longer! Warkinstall doesn't belong to you,
does it? Support you? I'm going to support the
tramways, and I'm going to support the new cemetery;
so if you mean to be buried in that hole you'll have
to look sharp about it, or we shall cremate you before
you know you're dead !
Sir T, Very well. At the next meeting of the Con-
ACT II] 60
servative Association, I shall move that you are called
upon to explain your action, or resign.
Dick. Resign?! I do resign! I have resigned! Play
into the hands of the Liberal Party? By Jove, I will!
Galpin, will you see Borrodaile and the rest of them
on my behalf, and say that if they consider me a
suitable candidate, I shall be pleased to fight the
town at the next election on Liberal principles! And
a jolly stiff fight I shall put up, I assure you!
Sir T. Tadman, we needn't wait any longer —
Fanny!
Lady B. There 's nothing been said about the
apology.
Sir T. We shall not accept an apology. Tadman,
you will issue the writ at once. My wife an impro-
priety?! We will see what a British jury says to that!
Dick. {Fiercely?^ We will see!
Mary. [Sercne/y.] We will see!
Sir T. Good afternoon, Galpin. \^Bows to Mary.
Felix. Good afternoon, Sir Thomas. \^Rings bell.
Tadman. Good day, Galpin. Good day, Whichello.
[Dick nods curtly.] Good afternoon, Mrs. Whichello.
Mary. Oh, Mr. Tadman, one moment. [Appeals to
Felix.] Mr. Galpin, we shall have a right to demand
that the jury see the original coiffure
{Glancing at Lady Bodsworth, who utters
a little shriek, and makes a Jmrried exit.
Sir Thomas glares at Mary, and exit
after Lady Bodsworth.
Felix. Certainly. I'm afraid, Tadman, our counsel
will have to press Lady Bodsworth to oblige us on
that point.
Tadman. Oh, very well. Good day.
\Exit. Dick has seated himself and has grown
much calmer.
Mary. {Enthusiastically ?[ Well my dear Dick, I do
congratulate you ! {Kissing him heartily i\ You've
come to your senses at last!
Dick. Oh, I'm in for it now.
6 1 [ACT II
Mary. Yes. {Excitedly?^ Now, we mustn't waste
any time. Mr. Galpin, you'll be our election
agent
Felix. Delighted!
Mary. Write to Mr. Harvey Betts, and ask him to
come down for the first week-end he can spare.
Felix. Right.
Mary. Dick, you must join the Liberal Club
Dick. "Yes, of course. I'm in for it now.
Mary. "Vou'd better give them some weekly politi-
cal addVesses
Dick. Good Lord, what about?
Felix. Don't you worry. I'll write out your ad-
dresses.
Mary. Who 's the best counsel we can get for the
lawsuit?
Felix. Clapperton. He'll chaff Lady Bodsworth into
a fit, and chaff the whole case out of Court.
Mary. Wire and retain him. [FELIX sits down
and hurriedly writes a telegram.^ Look cheerful,
Dick!
Dick. [Getting very gloomy.'] Oh, I'm in for it now,
and I'm going to see it through.
Mary. Of course you are. Ella shall drop in on
Mrs. Bratwick, and mention that we're determined to
have Lady Bodsworth in full fig at the trial. Mrs.
Bratwick will take it to the impropriety, and then —
What 's the matter, Dick?
Dick. Nothing — nothing. I'm thinking it over.
Alary. Well, look cheerful.
Felix. [Having written telegram^ Yes, buck up,
Whichello — we'll see you through.
Dick. Oh, I'm in for it now — and I'm not going to
draw back.
Mary. Draw back?
Dick. I say I shan't.
Mary. I should think not! [Having glanced at tele-
gram which Felix has held out before her.] Yes — send
it off at once. [FELIX rings bell.] And please hunt up
ACT II] 62
all about Dick's pedigree and his claims to the
Whichello baronetcy.
Dick. Baronetcy?!
Mary. Yes. Look cheerful ! Look cheerful ! Look
cheerful, Sir Richard!
I
CURTAIN
Three weeks pass between Acts II and III
>
ACT III
The Same. About ten in the morning;.
Scene
room much as in tJie last act
The
Discover FELIX afid HARVEY Betts, each with a
local paper in his hand. Harvey Betts is an
alert, smart, youthful-looking aristocrat of thirty-
five, with very bright, easy-going manners, and
dressed in the very latest fashion.
Felix.
g!f^5§^ILLO, Harvey — they're tickling you —
';^^l/^^ 'i^ {^Reads from his paperl\ " Great interest
^'^•'4' ^ attaches to the visit to our ancient bor-
'^^ ough of Mr. Harvey Betts, the brilHant
young statesman, who has recently been appointed
one of the whips of the Liberal Party. His presence
amongst us sets the Government seal of approval
upon our esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Richard
Whichello, as Liberal Candidate at the next general
election." What does the Tory rag say?
Betts. \_Reading?^ " The desperate straits to which
the Liberal Party is reduced in Warkinstall may be
inferred from the fact that the blustering and blunder-
ing ratters, Whichello and Galpin [digging Felix] —
the blustering and blundering ratters — have been
obliged to summon to their aid the preposterous
dandy who has recently been pitchforked on to the
Treasury Bench as Junior Whip. We shall see what
the hard-headed, sturdy, commonsense working men
ACT III] 64
of Warkinstall have to say to this egregious ' nut '
without any kernel."
Felix. \Reading?[ " The reverend chairman, Mr.
Bloxam Borrodaile, opened the meeting with' a mag-
nificent display of Boanerges eloquence which some-
what overshadowed the cautious and modest oratori-
cal effort made by Mr. Whichello. Mr. Harvey Betts
then followed with a lively attack upon the whole
Tory position, which was left a crumbled mass of
ruins. No less damaging was the vigorous onslaught
made by Mr. Felix Galpin, who is rapidly becoming
one of the rising hopes of the Liberal Party in War-
kinstall. But the loudest cheers of the evening were
reserved for our own Mary, as all true Liberals delight
to call her. In a few terse and witty remarks she in-
dicated some local Tory leaders, who would have the
first claim to be accommodated in the new cemetery
and crematorium which Mr, Whichello is presenting
to the town."
Betts. l^Reading.'] " After the pitiable exhibition of
his muddle-headed views which the turncoat Which-
ello made last evening, every self-respecting Con-
servative must rejoice that this incapable and in-
coherent wobbler has left the honest party. Straight-
forward, clear-sighted patriots will no longer have oc-
casion to blush for this maundering renegade." I say
old man, you wrote me Whichello was a jolly good
candidate.
Felix. So he is. He has got six hundred workmen.
What's the matter with him?
Betts. He's the rankest duffer of a mugwump I
ever met. He 's shaky on Free Trade; he 's shaky on
Home Rule; he's shaky on Universal Suffrage; he's
shaky on the whole bally bag of tricks.
Felix. He has just ratted from the Tories, you
know.
Betts. Well, when a man rats, let him rat, and
make no bones about it. Now I call you a good
ratter.
^ 65 [act III
Felix. No mistake about me, eh? Rising hope of
the Warkinstall Liberals — eh?
\_Pointing enthusiastically to himself.
Betts. You're all right. But what a ghastly mess
Whichello made last night.
Felix. He was pretty awful.
Betts. I thought you had him in tow
Felix. I wrote out his speech and coached him all
yesterday afternoon. Then he never spoke a word
of it. 4
Bett^ Tell you what, old man, we shall have to put
some ginger into Whichello, or we shall come a
howling cropper.
Felix. Oh, he'll be right enough. You let Mrs.
Whichello know where you want to find Whichello,
and she'll take care he 's on the spot.
Betts. I wish we could run her. I'm in love with
ouf own Mary. If it weren't for our own Mary I
should drop Whichello like a hot potato. [Dropping
his iroice.] I say, old man, she keeps on digging at me
for a baronetcy.
Felix. You'll be able to manage it?
Betts. [Shakes his head.'] It rests with the Chief.
We've been chucking about a lot of peerages and
baronetcies lately. What 's this old Whichello baron-
etcy she keeps on bringing up? [FELIX gives a shrug
and grimace.] Nothing in it — eh?
Felix. Oh, there was one ; and she says Whichello is
the heir.
Betts. [Cunningly.] I suppose he'll plank down a
pretty big lump for the Party war-chest?
Felix. Oh yes. He 's pretty warm.
Betts. The question is, how much will he stand? 1
must have a chat with him.
Felix. I wouldn't. Take my tip. Settle the tariff
with her, and leave her to bring Whichello to the
scratch. [ With a little wink at Betts.
Betts. Right. Whichello will be here directly
[ Taking out his watch.
ACT III] 66
Felix. You're taking him on to meet Ben Chorley?
Betts. Yes, the Socialists mean to be nasty. Chorley
talks about running himself.
Felix. He stands no earthly chance.
Betts. No, but he can queer us. You may as well
come on with us and see Chorley.
Felix. Better not.
Betts. Why not?
Felix. I've been going about saying that the Liberal
Party is the only bulwark against Socialism.
Betts. What on earth made you say a damned silly
thing like that?
Felix. I had to say it. Socialism is a red rag to
Borrodaile. You'd better not get in too deep with
Chorley.
Betts. My boy, we've got to win the seat, haven't
we? You'll have to hedge over Socialism.
Felix. We must keep in with Borrodaile
Betts. We must muzzle Chorley.
Felix. Very well. You tackle Chorley, and I'll
butter Borrodaile.
Betts. Right ! Borrodaile, your pal — Chorley, mine.
Enter Dakin, showing in Mary. Exit Dakin.
Mary. [To FELIX, sJiaking hands.'] Good morning.
[To Betts.] Good morning, Mr. Betts.
[Shaking hands.
Betts. Good morning.
Mary. My husband will be here in a moment. I
must speak to you before he comes — no, don't go,
Mr. Galpin — it 's about the baronetcy
Betts. Yes, but you know I'm only an under-
strapper. I'm the little boy who blows the organ.
The Chief plays the tune. And the Chief is very
touchy about the way these things are done. We've
got to put on our moral frock coats and top hats,
and avoid scandals,
Mary. But couldn't you give me some idea ?
^ 67 [ACT III
Betts. Of what?
Mary. Of how much it costs — for a baronetcy.
Betts. Costs?! The Chief's hair would turn white
at the bare idea of any traffic in honours. There
must be no bargain. But if Whichello wins the seat
for us — and comes down handsomely for the Party
funds
Mary. Yes ?
Betts. TJie Chief is too good a chap to let his
patriotism'^o unrewarded.
Maryp But you must remember that we already
have a baronetcy in the Whichello family.
Betts. Just now I don't fancy that would appeal
so much to the Chief as hard cash. And if I could
mention a tidy good round figure
[ Watching her closely.
Mary. Oh, that will be all right. Quite all right.
But' Dick has got one of his stingy fits on. And he's
in a very bad temper this morning. He 's going to
question you about the exact amount. You will give
him some quite low estimate, so as not to upset him
prematurely?
Betts. But suppose he nails me to it afterwards?
Mary. Oh, he won't, will he, Mr. Galpin?
Felix. I don't think Whichello is going to have
much say in the matter.
Mary. Not when it comes to the crisis. You will
mention quite a low figure [BETTS demurs, and half
shakes his head.'] Dear Mr. Betts, you must allow me
to know him — Dick 's the best husband in the world,
but in money matters he always needs a — a — ^jumping
board, before he takes the plunge.
Betts. You're sure he'll jump when the time comes?
Mary. Oh yes, won't he, Mr. Galpin ?
Felix. Like an antelope. I've seen him do it.
Betts. Well, I'll put the matter before the Chief
when I get back. I'm afraid a baronetcy may be
doubtful. But the Chief might mention Whichello
for a knighthood
ACT III] 68
Mary. {^Offended.'] Knighthood?! They ijive knight-
hoods to persons Hke the Bodsworths, and railway-
directors, and actors, and all sorts of people. We
couldn't think of a knighthood.
Belts. Well, we've got to win the seat first. Then
we can talk about the trimmings.
Mary. And you will give Dick quite a low tem-
porary estimate as a jumping board? [Betts looks
doubtful^ He will jump when the time comes.
Betts. All right. Rely on me.
Enter Dakin, sJiowing in DiCK with paper in his
pocket. Enter DiCK. Exit Dak IN.
Dick. {To Betts.] Good morning.
Betts. [^Shaking hands?^ Good morning.
Dick, How are you, Galpin?
Felix. First rate.
Dick. [/« a state of great irritation, pulling out
paper.^ I say, I didn't go and make such a doddering
ass of myself last night, did I? {They are silent^ Did
I, Galpin?
Felix. You weren't quite in your best fighting form.
Dick. No. Your speech went clean out of my head.
But I got on very well, didn't I? [They are silent!\
Any way, I pulled up towards the end? Didn't I?
Well, at any rate, I didn't make such a blathering
idiot of myself as all this — {Pointing to paperi] Did I?
Mary. [ Trying to take the paper away from him.']
You got on very well indeed. I felt quite proud of
you
Dick. {Keeping the paper.] I don't want your opinion.
You've done nothing but Qgg me on from the first.
What I want to know is this — did I make a silly
jackass fool of myself last night, or did I not? I know
jolly well I didn't. {Throwing away the paper con-
temptuously?^ And I tell you this — I'm fed up with
the whole business and the whole gang. Now Mr.
6g [act III
Betts, before we go any further I want to know what
this is going to cost?
Betts. Hadn't we better postpone that?
Dick. No. I'm not going to land myself in deuce
knows what expense just for the pleasure of seeing
B-a-r-t. stuck after my name. [To Betts.] So if
you please, you and I will have two minutes in pri-
vate. Galpin, can we step in there?
Felix. Certainly.
Dick.^YFnrning to Mary.] And you kindly keep
out of this. If I am going to be fleeced, I'll know how
much. Now Mr. Betts
[Betts and Mary cxcJiangc a cheerful look
/ of ti?iderstanding as DiCK goes up to
curtaitis. Exeunt Betts aiid DiCK
through curtains.
Mary. [ Watching them off.'] That 's all right. I shall
have all the summer to get Dick to take the plunge.
Is there anything more from the Herald's College?
Felix. No. They're quite positive that your hus-
band's family has no connection with the Kellaton
Whichellos.
Mary. They haven't gone far enough back.
Felix. They've gone back to the Civil War.
Alary. They must go back to the Conquest. I think
I'll go up to London and see them myself
Felix. Yes, I would.
Mary. Who 's the right man to get hold of?
Felix. There's the Earl Marshal, three Kings at
Arms, six Heralds, and four Pursuivants
Mary. What do the Pursuivants do?
Felix. Oh, I suppose they hang about, and pursue
anybody who sports a wrong coat of arms.
Mary. I'll get to know them. I might ask the
Garter King at Arms and the Heralds to dinner
Felix. \Has a shock of surprise, shrugs his shoulders,
dubiously^ Yes. Well, the Garter King at Arms is
your pal. But before you tackle him, what are you
going to do about the Bodsworth lawsuit?
ACT III] 70
Mary. Do? Nothing. Mr. Tadman hasn't served
the writ yet?
Felix. Not on me. You've heard nothinor?
Mary. No. I don't believe they'll go on with it.
Ella shall call on Mrs. Bratwick and find out what 's
going on at the Bodsworths.
Felix. You're sure you can trust Mrs. Bratwick?
Mary. Oh yes. I'm her bosom friend.
Felix. I thought Lady Bodsworth was Mrs. Brat-
wick's bosom friend?
Mary. Yes, so she is, I'm her bosom friend, too.
Ella is Mrs. Bratwick's extra special bosom friend.
She tells Ella everything. " The impropriety " is rag-
ing like the heathen about the paragraphs in the
" Mercury." Have you seen it this morning?
Felix. Not that column. \_Picks up the Liberal
paper.'] "Warkinstall Society and Fashionable Gos-
sip."
Mary. What a dear young fellow that is on the
" Mercury " — so sympathetic.
Felix. [Readino^.] " We understand that bright
golden hair in large puffs will shortly become fashion-
able again, and will be extensively worn at the forth-
coming assizes "
Mary. \^Continuing.'\ "We trust, however, that this
attractive coiffure will not be carried to the point of
impropriety " — Shush!
\^The curtains are pushed aside, and DiCK's
voice is heard.
Dick. [ Within the curtains^ Very well, then ; that 's
clearly understood between us.
Mary. Don't show it to Dick. He 's got enough to
bear this morning, poor dear!
Dick and Betts enter through curtains.
Betts. [ To Dick.] Of course you've got to win the
seat first. Then I'll talk to the Chief, and tell him you
are anxious to replenish the Party war-chest
71 [act III
Dick. I'm not so anxious as all that. I've told you
my figure, and [nodding very emphatically at Mary]
I'm not going to be rushed for a penny more.
Mary. [Serenely?^ I'm so glad it's all arranged.
You shall tell me all about it when we get home.
Dick. I don't know that I shall. For once in a way
I'm going to manage my own affairs.
Betts. [Taking out watch.'] We must be getting on
to Chorl^.
Dick. [Plaintively.'] I haven't got to kow-tow to
Ben Chorley, have I?
Betts. We shall have to skip gently round the
mmimum wage.
Dick. Well, you skip gently round the minimum
wagd, and I'll skip gently round to the Golf Club. I've
promised to meet Monkhouse at the station at eleven,
and have a round on the Dunningtree course before
lunch. I shall give Mr. Ben Chorley just ten minutes,
/ no more.
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. [To DiCK.] Mr. Borrodaile is on the tele-
, phone, sir. He rang up at your house, and they told
him you were here.
Dick. [Disgusted.] What the nuisance is Boanerges
rampaging about now?
Dakin. He says he must see you this morning, sir.
Dick. Tell him to [bursts out] I'm not going to
voice any more burning questions. I've been voicing
burning questions for the last fortnight.
Felix. [Looking up from the paper which he has been
studying?^ I expect it 's about last night's meeting. He
rang me up an hour ago.
Dick. What did he say?
Felix. He said you'd have to buckle on your arm-
our, and gird up your loins.
Dick. Gird up my loins.?! Tell him to gird up his
own loins — with that fat stomach of his.
ACT III] 72
Felix. You'd better see him. He 's got a very sore
head,
Dick. Oh well, you poultice it.
Mary. We'll ask him and Mrs. Borrodaile to
dinner.
Dick. No, we will not ask them to dinner. Tea 's
their meal in my house. And I shan't be at home.
Dakin. [Listening offi\ I fancy Mr. Borrodaile 's
ringing up again. {Exit.
Felix. He won't be happy till he has heckled you.
Dick. [ Taking out watch.'] I shall give Boanerges
Bloxam Borrodaile, D.D., five minutes; and I shall
take it out of Ben Chorley's ten. Five minutes Chor-
ley, five minutes Borrodaile. And >then I'm off to
golf Now Mr. Betts — \_Cojnes up agaitist the Tory
paper, snatches it up angrily^ And there 's this black-
guard leading article — I know jolly well I never made
such an ass of myself — I
{Goes off muttering. Exit DiCK.
Betts. If he keeps on jibbing at everything like this,
we're dead certain to lose the seat. {Exit after DiCK.
Felix. {Has been looking gravely at the " Mercury."]
I say, don't you think you'd better stop this?
Mary. Stop my fashionable gossip? {Takes out a
little slip of paper from her bag ^ Listen to what I've
got for to-morrow — {Reads^^ " Ladies of a certain
age who have too freely indulged in cosmetics, should
not discontinue the practice too suddenly. A magenta
complexion, even if it is unseemly, may be less pain-
ful than a pasty ' au naturel.' "
Felix. Yes, that's very good fun — if it only
frightens Lady Bodsworth from going into Court.
But suppose it doesn't? And suppose we get the
wrong judge, and suppose it comes out that you've
inspired these paragraphs?
Mary. What then?
Felix. Well, then it won't be very good fun at all.
73 [ACT III
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. Mr. Tadman's clerk is here, sir, and he
wishes to see Mrs, Whichello.
Mary. See me? What for?
Dakin. He didn't mention his business, ma'am.
They sent him on from your house. If you're busy he
says he'll -wait.
Felix. S^nd him up, Dakin. \Exit Dakin.
Mary*V^\iy does Mr. Tadman send his clerk to
me?
Felix. Looks like a writ.
Mary. Then they are going on! And Mrs. Bratwick
told Ella that Lady Bodsworth wanted to throw up
the sponge and go abroad.
Dakin shows in Tadman's clerk. Exit Dakin.
Clerk. \_Bows to Mary, draws two sheets of paper
from his pockety goes to her, hands her one.] Mrs.
Whichello, I have to hand you this document which
is a writ for slander brought on behalf of Lady Bods-
worth. [Mary looks at Felix and reluctantly takes it.]
Here is the original if you wish to see it?
[Holding it out.
Felix. That 's all right, Pollard.
Clerk. Good morning, ma'am.
[Bows to Felix. Exit.
Mary. [Reading, slurri?ig the earlier words.] "High
Court of Justice. . . . Grace of God, United King-
dom of Great Britain and Ireland, British Dominions
beyond the Seas . . . Defender of the Faith ... to
Mary Sebright Whichello of The Cedars, St. John's
Hill, Warkinstall . . . County of . . . We cofumand
you, that within eight days after the service of this
writ on you, you do cause an appearance to be entered
for you " [Looking at FELIX.
Felix. That isn't the sort of command you want.
Mary. " In an action at the suit of Frances Louisa,
ACT III] 74
wife of Sir Thomas Bodsworth, Knight " We
shall have to go on now
Felix. If you do, that knocks your baronetcy on
the head.
Mary. You think it does?
Felix. If you want to get a baronetcy you mustn't
be the defendant in a risky slander suit. That 's pretty
plain, isn't it?
Mary. But how can I help it?
Felix. There 's only one way. We shall have to
back out and apologize.
Mary. Apologize? Never!
Felix. Then bang goes the baronetcy.
Mary. \Takes a desperate turn, looks again at the
writ.] " And take notice that in default of your so
doing, the Plaintiff may proceed therein, and judge-
ment may be given in your absence. Witness, Rich-
ard Burdon, Viscount Haldane of Cloan, Lord High
Chancellor of Great Britain " There must be
some way out of it.
Felix. I don't see any.
Mary. Give up the baronetcy? Go in after that
woman all my life? It's impossible.
Felix. You can have the baronetcy, or you can
have the lawsuit; but you can't have both. We must
chuck the lawsuit. If we lose it, where are we? We
shall all be discredited — Whichello for the seat, you
for the title, and I get a bad kick, both as lawyer and
election agent. We must draw out.
Mary. What had I better do?
Felix. I'll run up against Tadman, and find out if
they'll agree to a mild apology.
Mary. I won't apologize. [Felix shrugs his
shoulders^ You have got me into a horrible mess!
Felix. I've got you into a horrible mess?!
Mary. Well, haven't you? You've been advising
me all through
Felix. I've been trying to advise you
Mary. Yes, and see where you've landed me.
75 [-^CT III
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. Mr. Tadman is below, sir. He'd like to
speak to you and Mrs. Whichello.
Felix. [After a glance at Mary.] Show him up.
\Exit Dakin.] You'd better not say anything. Let
me arrange it if I can.
Mary.yVm. not going to apologize — at least, not
till the l^t moment.
Felix. We'll hear what he has to say. Shush !
Enter Dakin, showing in Tadman. Exit Dakin.
Felix. Good morning, Tadman.
Tadman. [ Very cordial.'] Good morning. [Goes to
Mary.] Good morning, dear Mrs. Whichello.
'Mary. Good morning.
Tadman. I must apologize for intruding, Galpin.
I've -been walking up and down outside your gate
for ten minutes
Felix. Taking exercise?
Tadman. No. I was coming down from Sir Thomas
when my clerk Pollard came out after doing his
duty [Tapping the writ in Mary's hand.] He
mentioned you were here. And I said to myself,
" Now, shall I do a rather unprofessional thing, and
make one last attempt to keep this out of Court?"
And I said, " I will, just for the sake of my old friend-
ship with Whichello."
Felix. That was kind of you. Sit down, won't you?
Tadman. No thanks. Can't stay. Got to be back
at my office.
Felix. Sir Thomas doesn't know you're here?
Tadman. Of course I shall tell him. And I'm sure
he'll see I'm not acting against his interest in taking
this upon myself. [A pause.] You've looked through
that? [Signifying writ.
Mary. Not all through. I don't understand law-
yers' language.
ACT III] 'j6
Felix. It was a long time coming, Tadman. We
began to think you'd forgotten all about it.
Tadman. I held it back, thinking that perhaps
Mrs. Whichello might be inclined to — a
Mary. I'm not going to apologize.
Tadman. If you've quite made up your mind — I'm
sorry. I hoped perhaps • {^Going towards door.
Felix makes an appeal to Mary behind his back.
Mary responds with a gesture of dissent?^ Good
morning. \Opens door, going.
Felix. Tadman, if I were to advise Mrs. Which-
ello
Mary. Oh, I couldn't! Not apologize!
Tadman. [Coming towards her.'] If I might suggest
— we're all old friends — we don't \Vant to wash our
dirty linen in public
Mary. Oh, it isn't my dirty linen. And I'm not
washing it.
Tadman. No, but you'll have to pay the laundry
bill. And you and Whichello will get thoroughly
splashed. He wants to go into Parliament, doesn't he?
Mary. Not very much. But I think I shall get him
there.
Tadman. [^Pointing to writ.] Won't that be rather
in your way?
Mary. Oh, no! I've been canvassing. The voters
love to talk about yellow hair and magenta cheeks.
They like it better than politics.
[Felix, behind Tadman 's back, shakes his
head severely at Mary and shows des-
pair.
Tadman. Well, I've done my best. It's a pity.
[Going towards door. FELIX snakes another appeal to
Mary.] Good morning.
Felix. What do you propose?
Tadman. Nothing. But whatever you propose I'll
ask Sir Thomas to consider favourably.
Felix. Hadn't you better get Sir Thomas's au-
thority?
Tj [act III
Tadnian. [^Shakes his head.'] In his present temper
he won't listen to anything but a definite apology.
If I could take him a form we had arranged upon
he might give way — I can't tell — I'm willing to
try it.
[Felix looks at Mary. Tadman looks from
one to the other.
Mary. [A/ter a longish pause^ I'll think it over.
Tadnihn. {^Shakes his head.~\ I'm on my way to en-
gage counsel. When that is done an apology will be
too late.
Mary. [ Very reluctantly, after a paiise.] I don't mind
saying I'm sorry.
Tadman. I daren't approach Sir Thomas with any-
thing but a formal apology, with an expression of
regret, and an assurance not to repeat.
, Felix. For publication?
Tadman. Except in case of necessity I should ad-
vise. Sir Thomas not to publish.
Mary. No, but the " impropriety " [FELIX shakes
his head at Mary] would show it all over the town.
Felix. What form do you suggest?
Tadman. I must just consider that. Let me run
down to the Club, and draw up the easiest terms I
can advise Sir Thomas to accept. Then if you and
Mrs. Whichello approve I can go straight to Sir
Thomas; we can sign it to-day and the matter's
ended.
Mary. [After a pause, very reluctantly^ Very well.
Tadman. I've done you and Whichello a good
turn. I'll be back soon.
Mary. \As Tadman is going off and is closing
door, calls after him.\ It must be very mild, not like
your other apology — just a tiny wee one.
[Exit Tadman.
Mary. There! You see what you've let me in for.
Felix. I've let you in?
Mary. You should have bluffed Mr. Tadman.
Felix. Yes, and bluffed you out of all chance of the
ACT III] 78
baronetcy. Now we've got to put some stiffening into
Whichello. He's going the right way to lose this
election. We must coax him to swallow the minimum
wage from Chorley. And above all we've got to keep
him good pals with Borrodaile.
Dick enters in a towering rage. They look at him.
Mary. Dick ! What 's the matter?
Dick. I've had twenty mortal minutes with Bloxam
Borrodaile.
Mary. [Alarmed.] You haven't quarrelled with
him?
Dick. Not outwardly and visibly. But inwardly
I have consigned him to bottoibless perdition.
And if he crosses my path within the next three
months
[Moves his fist slowly tip and down, threaten-
ing the absent BORRODAILE. Mary
and Felix look at each other in despair.
Felix shrugs his shoulders and goes
away.
Mary. What did he do ?
Dick. He boanerged all over his drawing-room,
like a bull of Basham; lathered me for my speech
last night, and wants me to take the chair next week
for some black chap who 's going to voice the wrongs
of India.
Mary. You said you would?
Dick. No, I did not. I sloped off to the station
and left him boanerging on his door-step. When I
got to the station the Dunningtree train had gone.
So he has done me out of my round with Monkhouse.
[Turns solemnly to Mary.] Now, don't you ask
Bloxam Borrodaile to my house. His tea's off.
Mary. But we must keep in with Borrodaile
[Appeals to Felix, who shrugs his shoulders
and grins.
Dick. You keep in with him if you like, but speaking
• 79 [ACT III
for myself, two penn'orth more of Borrodaile, and I
throw up the whole job.
Mary. \In despair.'] Throw up? You can't throw
up your Liberal principles now!
[A^ain appeals to FELIX, who shrugs his
shoulders and grins.
Dick. Can't I ? Two penn'orth more of Borrodaile
— one penn'orth — a ha'porth
* Enter Dakin.
Dakin. [To DiCK.] Mr. Borrodaile wants to speak
to you again on the 'phone, sir.
[Felix bursts into laughter. DiCK rises,
furious ; thinks better of it, and calmly
sits down.
Dick. Tell him I'll make an appointment with him
in the sweet bye and bye.
Mary. No — no — you must go and see what he
wants, mustn't he?
[Appeals to Felix, who merely shrugs his
shoulders and grins.
Dakin. He says it 's most important, sir, something
'he forgot to question you about
Dick. Tell him to heckle the telephone. I've had
enough of it.
Mary. [To Dakin.] Tell him Mr. Whichello will
be down to speak to him in a moment. [Exit Dakin.
Mary. [Trying to get DiCK out of his chair. 1 Now
Dick, we can't win the election without Borrodaile.
Dick. Then we'll lose it.
Mary. But if we lose the election we shan't get the
baronetcy. We can't lose it! [Tries again to get DiCK
out of the chair, appeals with a gesture to FELIX.] Mr.
Galpin, won't you ? Please!
Felix. I'll go and see what Borrodaile wants.
Mary. Tell him Dick agrees with every word he
says. [Felix goes off. She calls after him.'] And tell
him I'll take the chair for his black man. Now Dick,
ACT III] 80
this is disgraceful ! You knew what it meant when
you took up Liberal principles
Dick. By Jove, I didn't! or I'd never have gone in
for it.
Mary. But you have gone in for it. You said you'd
never draw back. You said you wouldn't let Bods-
worth walk over you.
Dick. Well, he isn't going to walk over me.
Mary. But he is walking over you. You must go
on now! You must fight it to the end!
Dick. Very well then, if you want me to see this
through, you keep Borrodaile out of my way, because
if he dares to boanerge over me, I shall gird up my
loins and I shall Good Heavens!
Mary. What's the matter?
Dick. Good Lord!
Mary. What is it?
Dick. I've lost my golf clubs. [Mary looks at him
in despair^ Now that 's all through jawing with Bor-
rodaile about his black man! Now where did I — I
must have left them at the station.
Re-enter Felix.
Mary. What does Mr. Borrodaile want?
Felix. It seems, two members of his congregation
saw Whichello playing golf on Sunday. He says no
man is fit to represent Warkinstall on Liberal prin-
ciples who plays golf on Sundays. And unless [to
Dick] you give a distinct pledge to abstain from
Sunday golf, he must request you to resign your
candidature.
Dick. That 's all right. I resign my candidature.
Mary. No! {Glancing nervously at DiCK.] Tell
him Mr. Whichello will abstain
Dick. \Junips up.'] Eh?
Mary. Tell him it will be all right. [Glancing
nervously at DiCK.] Ask him to bring Mrs. Borrodaile
to have din — [DiCK looks furious] tea with me
8 1 [act III
Dick. Not in my house.
Mary. Say it will be all right, and ask him and
Mrs. Borrodaile to dinner with you to-night.
Felix. Dinner with me?
Mary. Yes — I'll come too. Oh do go and pacify
him! do! {Getting him off at door, looks at DiCK, who
is placidly lighting a cigarette; can't quite make up
her mind. how to tackle liiin^ Dick, you deserve to be
shaken! {Rushes furiously at hint and shakes him.l
You caii't really mean to draw back now?
Dick. Yes, I do. I wash my hands of the whole
crew.
Mary. No. Not till you've won the seat. [ Wheed-
ling.] You will keep in with Borrodaile till after the
election? Yes — there 's a dear good boy! And I'll be
such a darling to you for a long while. I've always
said you were the best husband in the world -
Dick. {Has picked up the cigarette she has knocked
out of 'his hand.] Well, so I am.
Mary. Yes, if you'll only just let me, eh? —
{Stroking his chin and kissittg him'\ eh ? — phone to old
Boanerges that you'll give up the golf — eh? old
sonnie, eh?
' Dick. Give up my golf?! After sticking in the
House all the week, listening to their jaw half the
night, and voting just how I'm told for a lot of
hangnation things I don't know and don't care a cuss
about! No. We're in this world for a very short time.
Do let us be happy, do let us be comfortable while
we are here.
Mary. You'll be more chaffed than ever! You will
have a bad time {Goes to him again, throws her
arms round his neck.] Dick, old man, give it to me for
a birthday present next month, eh?
Dick. Give you what?
Mary. Let me see Borrodaile and Ben Chorley and
promise them everything they want. I'll do it all —
and get you safely into the House, and then as soon
as the Government have rewarded you, you can retire
G
ACT III] 82
from politics, and go round the world. And when you
come back, you can change your views and be a nice
old Tory again, and join your club — eh?
Dick. {Calm, good-humoured, very Jinn^ No. No.
No. No. No.
Mary. You mean that? You aren't going to fight
the seat after all? -
Dick. {Same tone.'] No. No. No. No. No. No.
[Mary hirsts suddenly into tears.
Mary. {Sobbing.'] And after all I've done for you !
And the Duchess of Gloucester is coming to open the
Maternity wing of the Sanatorium. And Lady Bods-
worth is going to present her with a bouquet! {Peep-
ing at him through her tears.] I shall go and stay with
Aunt Henrietta! You won't like, that! Remember
how you begged me to come home last time! I'll stay
away for a month! I will! {Peeping at him. He re-
mains ufimoved, placidly smoking. She rushes at him.]
Dick, you're a brute!
Dick. Now look here, old girl. I'm not going into
Parliament. That 's settled. But next month, when
your birthday comes, we'll go to the South
Mary. No, we won't,
Dick. Well, where shall we go? Don't you remem-
ber the jolly times we had at
Mary. No!
Dick. Well, we have had some jolly times together
[Mary dissents] oh yes, we have. {Trying to fondle
her.] And I'll give you that new Rolls Royce, and I'll
take you for the jolliest trip — now where shall we go?
Mary. I'm going to Aunt Henrietta the first thing
to-morrow morning.
Felix enters.
Mary. What did you tell Mr. Borrodaile?
Felix. They'd cut us off, and his line 's engaged.
What's the matter?
Mary. He has thrown it up! The maundering rene-
•• 83 [act III
gade! The turncoat! The incoherent and incapable
wobbler! The blustering and blundering ratter! Look
at him! [DiCK sits quietly smoking.
Felix. You aren't going to stand for Warkinstall?
Dick. l^Same tone.] No. No. No. No. No. No.
Felix. What 's to be done?
Mary. They ought to make him a baronet for the
cemetery.
Felix: Not much chance of that.
Mary. '^hen he must give the town something else
— a netv Town Hall!
Felix. We don't want a new Town Hall.
Mary. Well, what does the town want.? A peoples'
park with zoological gardens and tortoises and kan-
garoos and a monkey house
Dick. With land all round at two thousand pounds
an acre. No thank you!
Mary. Well — a picture gallery — a museum — an
/aqu
arium? The town must want something
fc>'
Enter Betts.
Belts. It's all right. I've nobbled Chorley. \To
Dick.] But you'll have to swallow the minimum wage
and the Osborne judgement.
Dick. I'm not going to swallow anything!
Mary. [Calling Betts to her.] Mr. Betts, my hus-
band thinks that perhaps the Liberal cause might not
be quite safe in his hands, so he has decided to become
a philanthropist to the town.
Betts. \_Looks all round, puzzled.] Oh! Has he?
Mary. {^Drawing Betts aside.] Rather than the
Liberal cause should suffer through him, he'll sacrifice
himself [Goes on talking to Betts.
Dick. I say, Galpin, I've lost my golf clubs
Felix. Have you?
Dick. I can't remember where I left them. I know
I had them in the cab when I left Borrodaile's. I be-
lieve I took them into the booking office. Would you
ACT III] 84
let your man ring them up at the station, and ask
them to look round?
Felix. Certainly,
Dick. I haven't had a round for a fortnight, ever
since this ghastly speeching and voicing has been
going on.
Betts. [To Mary.] Oh no, I couldn't suggest it.
We can't go chucking about titles for museums and
picture galleries. We're out to win the seat from the
Tories. Seats are what we want just now!
Mary. Then what 's to be done? [Sees FELIX, is
struck with an idea.] Mr. Galpin, you must stand for
Warkinstall!
Felix. Stand for Warkinstall?!
Betts. [Enthusiastically^ Goodbusmess! Good busi-
ness !
Mary. What do you say?
Felix. Oh, I'm on the job — emphatically on the job.
But I've got no money.
Mary. Dick and I will see to that.
Dick. What?!
Mary. Of course you will, Dick. You can't leave
the Liberal Party in the lurch now. You're bound to
see them through this election. [Turns to Betts.] If
Mr. Whichello lends his influence to Mr. Galpin, and
pays the election expenses, I suppose the Chief would
recognize his self-sacrifice?
Betts. I feel sure he would. I should explain
Whichello's self-denying action, and if he'll [looking
at Dick] send a tidy cheque to the war-chest, I'll put
it in the right light to the Chief
Mary. Then that 's settled.
Dick. I don't know so much about that.
Mary. Hold your tongue, Dick. [In a very low
pleading voice to Betts.] I suppose if my husband
sent in quite a large cheque — something very hand-
some indeed — the Government wouldn't consider him
for — a
Betts. For what?
85 [act III
Mary. [I^i a very timid, nervous whisper.^ For a —
peerage?
Betts. Peerage?!!
{By a gesture expresses horror too great to be
conveyed in words.
Mary. I said of course they wouldn't. Of course
not. We shall be quite satisfied with a baronetcy.
Dick. Mr. Betts, you know my figure \To
Mary.] j^ot a penny more. Now can I get on to
the station about my golf clubs?
Mary. [In a low tone to Betts.] It's all right. He
will jump. \To Felix.] Will Mr. Borrodaile accept
you as candidate?
Felix. Oh, yes. After my speech last night he
wrung my hand and said: "Ah, Mr. Galpin, you're
the sort of man we want to blow the Liberal trumpet
in AVarkinstall and Westminster! "
Betts. I say old man, you'll have to play a tune or
'two on the Socialist trumpet
Felix. Shall I?
Betts. I've promised Chorley
Felix. That 's awkward. I've been telling everybody
that the Liberal Party is the only bulwark against
•Socialism.
Mary. Well, isn't it?
Felix. I dunnow. That 's what I've been saying.
Mary. Never mind what you've been saying. You've
got to win the seat.
Felix. {After a perplexed gesture^ Well, after all it 's
only looking at things from a Socialist point ot
view
Dick. { Who has been quietly smoking and rumin-
ating, has just taken np the writ and glanced at it.]
Hillo, Galpin, what's this?
Felix. What?
Dick. You've told me all through I shouldn't have
a lawsuit with Bodsworth.
Felix. I hope I shall be able to arrange
Dick. You'd better, because if this comes into
ACT III] 86
Court I button up my pockets for the election ex-
penses. [Felix looks appealingly at Mary.
Dakin shows in ELLA, and exit.
Ella. \Dancing in^ She 's funked it! She's funked
it! She's funked it!
Mary. Who has? Funked what?
Ella. The " impropriety." She daren't go into
Court! She simply daren't!
Mary. How do you know?
Ella. Mrs. Bratwick has just called with the joyful
news, so I came on with it at once,
Mary. Yes — tell me
Ella. It seems they had a grand coyincil of war last
night
Mary. Who?
Ella. Sir Thomas, the " impropriety," and Mr. Tad-
man. Sir Thomas wanted to go on, but she daren't
face it, so they decided to withdraw from the lawsuit.
Mary. But they've sent me a writ.
Ella. Yes. The "impropriety " wants an apology.
So Tadman suggested he should serve the writ, and
then call upon you, as an old friend, and get an
apology out of you if he could.
Mary. The old fox ! We might have known he was
bluffing.
Ella. So he 's coming to see you this morning to
try it on.
Mary. Is he? Is he?
Ella. Don't you let him get round you.
Mary. Oh, I won't.
Ella. The " impropriety " has decided to have an
attack of rheumatism and be ordered to Aix. That 's
to be their reason for not going on with the lawsuit.
Enter Dakin showing in Tadman. Exit Dakin.
Tadman. Morning, Whichello.
Dick. Good morning.
4r.
87 [act III
Tadman. Good morning, Miss Southwood.
Ella. Good morning.
Tadman. \D rawing out a sheet of paper ?^ I'm de-
lighted we're going to settle this painful little affair.
Mary. So are we.
Tadman. {^Giving Felix the paper.~\ I've made it
quite easy for Mrs. Whichello. I think that will meet
the case.
Felix. \Gla7icing at paper ^ I don't think so, Tad-
man, ^don't think so.
Tadman. \Surprised?[ Eh?
,Mary. How is Lady Bodsworth this morning?
Tadman. Very well, I believe.
Mary. No symptoms of her old enemy, rheumatism ?
Tadman. No. Won't you look at the apology?
Mary. It won't be necessary, will it, Mr. Galpin?
'Felix. Not at all. You may tell Sir Thomas we
accept service of the writ.
f Tadma7i. {^Nonplussed.'] Oh. That is your final
decision?
Felix. Absolutely.
Tadman. I may warn you
Felix. No, don't, Tadman. \_Putti}ig his hand on
• Tadman's shoulder.] You go to Sir Thomas and
Lady Bodsworth, as an old friend, and say we shall
fight this out in Court.
Mary. Wigs on the green!
Tadman. Oh! {Looks round.] I'll tell Sir Thomas.
Good morning. {Exit Tadman.
Mary. {To Galpin.] Now you must get out your
election address.
Felix. Right.
Mary. Can I help you?
Felix. Rather. We must pitch it strong.
Enter Dakin with a set of golf sticks.
Dakin. {To DiCK.] The cabman who took you to
the station found these in the cab, sir.
ACT III] 88
Dick. {Taking his golf clubs lovingly^ Give him
half-a-crown. \Exit Dakin,
Mary. Dick, you must get out a farewell address
to the electors, recommending Mr. Galpin.
Dick. Eh?
Felix. Don't worry about that. I'll write it for
you.
[Mary, Ella, and Felix have had a hurried
talk. Felix sits down to write, MARY
over him.
Dick. {Strapping his clubs on his shoulder \ Now
look here, Galpin. I'm not going to be landed in
goodness knows what expenses over this confounded
election of yours
Mary. [ Waving him away.] Run away, you dear
thing! Run away, and play golf till after the election,
Felix. Fellow citizens of Warkinstall
[Dick is going off with his clubs on his
shoulder.
CURTAIN
Nearly two years and a half pass between Act ^ and
the Epilogue
EPILOGUE
Scene: TJie same. The room has been brightetied by
the addition of feminine belongings, and gives
evidence that there is a mistress in the house.
Time: Just before dinner on a summer evening. The
room is dimly lighted. The bli?td is up and the last
rays of the setting sun come through the window.
Discover FELIX afid Chesher in evening dress, as if
waiting for guests. Dakin is making the room
tidy, and turns tip additional electric lights.
Felix.
^O Ella and I thought we'd give a little
dinner, and get them to shake hands and
bury the hatchet.
Chesher. Then you're friendly with the
Bodsworths?
Felix. My dear uncle, I'm member for Warkin-
stall, and I intend to remain member for Warkinstall
so Ella and I are friendly with everybody.
Dakin. [Going off.] I beg pardon, sir — shall I throw
it up a bit?
Felix. Throw what up?
Dakin. {In a rather loud tone.] Sir Richard and
Lady Whichello.
Felix. No, Dakin, no. Keep that tone for knight-
hoods. The higher the title, the less it needs throw-
ing up.
epilogue] 90
Dakin. Yes, sir. \Exit.
Felix. Yes, Ella and I had been trying to bring
them together for months.
Chesher. Should have thought two years rowing
would have satisfied any reasonable people.
Felix. It was Lady Bods worth who held off.
Bodsworth is ready to make it up, because he and
Tad man are working Tariff Reform, and they want
Dick to join them in getting a stiff duty on leather
goods out of the Tory leaders.
Chesher. What are Whichello's politics just now?
Felix. Rather north-west south-east. Well, six
weeks ago Lady Bodsworth fortunately had a motor
accident about twenty miles out. Dick and Mary
fortunately came by and picked her ,up and carried
her to the nearest inn. Dick and Mary had just
got a note from the Prime Minister to say they
were to be included in the birthday honours. So
Mary was very kind ; stayed with Lady Bodsworth
all night, and nursed her up rather more than she
wanted to be nursed. Now Mary has got the
baronetcy, she feels rather friendly towards Lady
Bodsworth.
Chesher. There 's nobody we like quite so much as
the enemy we have thoroughly downed.
Felix. Well, that paved the way for a reconcilia-
tion. But Ella had no end of a job to persuade
Lady Bodsworth to come to-night. However, she is
coming; and we are going to have a jolly little family
dinner party. That 's why I invited you down. You'll
be in at the death.
Chesher. Doctor's chief function.
Enter Dakin, announcing Mr. and MRS. Tadman.
Enter Tadman and MRS. Tadman. Exit Dakin.
Felix. {To Mrs. Tadman.] How d'ye do?
\_Shaking hands.
Mrs. T. How d'ye do?
♦ 91 [epilogue
Felix. My wife will be down directly. We were
late in getting back from the Petbury garden party.
[Chesher and Tadman have shaken hands.
Mrs. Tadman shakes hands with
Chesher.
Felix. Tadman, how are you?
Tadi>ian. \Rosier, inore shaky. ^ Never felt so well
in my life.
Felix'. There 's a bottle of your own port for you.
Tadman. Then I shall feel better still.
FelTx. And you'll find a cocktail on that table.
{^Pointing to window.
Tadmafi. Thanks. \_Helping himself to cocktail.
Mrs. T. I'm so sorry the Bodsworths aren't com-
ing.'
Felix. \Taken adack.] Not coming.''
3frs. T. You haven't heard?
Felix. No, we're expecting them.
Mrs. T. Perhaps I oughtn't to have spoken.
Felix. Yes — please tell me.
Mrs. T. I was calling on Lady Bodsworth this
afternoon. She was very much upset.
Felix. What about?
Mrs. T. Sir Thomas and she were not invited to
the garden party at Petbury Park this afternoon.
Felix. I can't help that. There were only the
county people there.
Mrs. T. She feels it was a great slight, and she
couldn't possibly dine with you under the circum-
stances.
Felix. But good heavens! I can't tell Lady Petbury
whom to invite
Mrs. T. So I told her, but she wouldn't be per-
suaded. I left her writing a note to Mrs. Galpin, ask-
ing you to excuse them,
Felix. Well of all — it 's really too bad
Tadman. [Over his cocktail.] Never mind, Galpin!
If the dinner is up to your usual standard, we shall
get on very well without the Bodsworths.
epilogue] 92
Felix. But we're giving this dinner on purpose to
bring them and the Whichellos together again.
Chesher. Felix, my boy, }-ou don't seem quite to hit
it off with your dinner parties,
Felix. And Lady Bodsworth fixed the day herself
— they might have sent us word to say they weren't
coming — it 's too bad.
Tadman. \_Has been looking out of the window?^
Isn't that the Bodsworth motor just driven up?
Yes
[Mrs. Tadman and Chesher move toward
zvindozv.
Mrs. T. Sir Thomas is getting out.
Felix. Is he alone?
Tadman. No — there 's Lady BodswoVth — he 's help-
ing her out
lilrs. T. So they're coming after all.
Tadman. There's something the matter.
Mrs. T. Lady Bodsworth is crying.
Felix. I suppose we shall have a scene again.
Mrs. T. She is getting back into the motor.
Tadman. No, Sir Thomas won't let her. He's
arguing with her.
Mrs. T. Oh yes, she is coming in. Let's hope it
will all pass off pleasantly.
[Mrs. Tadman, Chesher, and Felix cotne
away from the window.
Felix. Uncle, I think Ella has arranged for you to
take her in.
Chesher. I scarcely feel equal to it.
Tadman. [^Has helped himself to another cocktail^
Oh, give her a glass or two of Galpin's champagne to
start with.
Felix. And keep off the Whichello baronetcy. And
the Petbury garden party.
Mrs. T. Yes, and she 's very touchy about — but
perhaps I oughtn't to mention it
Felix. Oh yes! Let's make her happy if we can.
What's she touchy about?
* 93 [epilogue
Mrs. T. Well, as you know, the last two years
since your dinner party everybody has been making
remarks about the way she does her hair, and it makes
her very sensitive. She had got a new transformation
for to-night, but Sir Thomas wouldn't let her wear it.
He insists that for the future she shall wear her own
hair.
Felix. Good Lord ! What will she look like now?
Mrs'. T. Well, I told her it suited her beautifully.
Felix. Oh! let's all tell her it suits her beautifully,
Mrs. T. No! She's sd fidgety, we'd better pretend
to take no notice.
' Felix. Oh, let us all pretend anything — if it will
only keep her quiet.
Enter Dakin, announcing SiR THOMAS BODSWORTH.
' Enter SiR THOMAS. Dakin waits. FELIX ad-
vances to shake hands with SiR THOMAS.
Felix. How d'ye do. Sir Thomas? We hope Lady
Bodsworth
Sir T. ^Shaking hands^ Lady Bodsworth is over-
taken with the heat. She is in the morning-room.
She asked me to come up and leave her to recover
herself. Please don't take any notice.
Felix. We are so sorry
Sir T. It 's nothing. She'll be here in a minute.
[Goes to Tadman, Mrs. Tadman, and
Chesher, ajtd shakes hands with them.
Felix. Dakin, will you send up to Mrs. Galpin and
say our guests are arriving.
Dakin. I beg pardon, sir, Mrs. Galpin was coming
downstairs, when she heard Lady Bodsworth upset-
ting herself. She is now in the morning-room pacify-
ing Lady Bodsworth.
Felix. Oh, all right.
{Much perplexed, looking anxiously at his
watch. Exit Dakin.
Tadman. [Has been talking with SiR Thomas.]
epilogue] 94
We'll ask Galpin. [Comes u/>, cocktail in hand.']
Galpin, now we're all tiled in, and all friends, how
much did Whichello stump up for his baronetcy?
Felix. [ Warningly.'] Shush-sh-sh-sh. Nobody can
say that he didn't richly deserve it.
Sir T. Oh, certainly. We are all delighted at the
honour, particularly Lady Bodsworth and myself.
Nobody who knows the burden of a title, the amount
of public duty it entails — and the subscriptions to
charities, would envy those whom it pleases His
Majesty to select for the honour.
CliesJier: My old fellow-student, Sir Robert Latimore,
got a baronetcy last year to please his wife. Bob de-
clares that if he hadn't been obliged to work so hard
for the title, he might have known something about
medicine.
Tadman. No, between ourselves, Galpin, how much
did Whichello
Felix. [ Warningly^ Shush-sh-sh. Shush-sh-sh.
Tadman. We shall get him again, Galpin — we shall
get him again!
Felix. Who?
Tadman. He's wobbling! He's wobbling! Bet you
a new hat we shall have him safe in the Tory fold
before he 's a year older.
Lady Bodsworth enters^ accompanied by ELLA.
Lady Bodsworth is wearing her own hair,
which is gray-white and rather scanty. She is re-
covering from a fit of crying, and has a little
smudged her complexion. ELLA is comforting and
supporting her.
Ella. There! There! You're better now.
[ Taking her to sofa, and seating her.
Lady B. I do hope everybody will excuse me
[ Weeping a little.
Ella. Oh, yes. Sit there a minute. We'll leave you
to come round.
95 [epilogue
S^Exchanges a look of co7nic distress with
Felix, who goes to Lady Bodsworth
and shakes hands with her. Ella goes
to Sir Thomas and the Tadmans, and
shakes hands. Lady Bodsworth re-
mains on sofa, weeping.
Ella. How are you, Sir Thomas? \^Shaking hands. \
Dear Mrs. Tadman. \Shaking hands.'] Mr. Tadman,
how ar^ you? \_Shaking hands.] Uncle, so glad you
could^ run down. [Shaking hands with Chesher.]
You must please forgive me being late. We could not
get away from the Petbury garden party
[A little choking sob from Lady Bodsworth,
who sits on sofa. Tadman, Mrs. Tad-
man, and Chesher admonish Ella to
silence by a look. SiR Thomas is vexed
r at Lady Bodsworth'S behaviour, and
frowns at her to be quiet.
Ella. [Can't understand the meaning of the look the
Tadmans ^;z(^ Chesher have given her — goes on.] It
was such a jolly party
[Lady Bodsworth has another rather louder
clioke. The TADMANS again admonish
Ella to silettce by a look. Ella doesn't
understand. The TADMANS and CHES-
HER draw her a little aside and explain
in dumb show. Felix has tried to comfort
Lady Bodsworth.
Lady B. [Between her sobs, to FELIX.] You're very
kind, but I really think I'd better go home.
Sir T. [Sternly.] Nonsense! Nonsense! We have
come expressly to congratulate Sir Richard and Lady
Whichello upon the honour which it has pleased His
Majesty to confer upon them.
[Goes to her and argues. FELIX is seen to be
comforting her.
Ella. [To Tadmans and Chesher.] I see. I won't
mention the garden party. And there 's another
thing. Sir Thomas has made her wear her own hair.
epilogue] 96
and she's fretting because she thinks it isn't be-
coming.
Tadman. It 's a eood deal more becoming than
Mrs. T. Shush — don't look at her — she'll guess
we're talking about it.
Tadman. Mum! Mum!
\He goes to table, puts down his second cock-
tail empty, hesitates whether he shall take
a third. SiR THOMAS has frightened
Lady Bodsworth into submission.
Felix looks impatiently at his watch
and comes to Ella.
Ella. [To Felix.] The dinner will be spoilt.
Lady B. {Plaintively, from sofa.] I suppose there
were a great many people at the garden party?
Felix. No. Just a few staunch Liberals like my-
self.
Ella. Mary and Dick ought to be here
Enter Dakin, anyiouncing SiR RICHARD and Lady
Whichello. Enter Mary and Dick. Exit
Dakin.
Mary. My dear Ella, we're terribly late. Ah, my
dear Sir Thomas! Now this is really good of you!
[Shaking hands.
Sir T. We are delighted to congratulate you and
Sir Richard
Mary. I'm sure you are
[Stops at seeing Lady Bodsworth, who,
upon Jier entrance, has had a renewed
little fit of tears.
Sir T. [In reply to an inquiring look from Mary.]
It's nothing — a little overtaken by the heat — please
take no notice.
Mary. You really must excuse us, Ella — the Pet-
burys would keep us till the last moment [Lady
Bodsworth Jias a louder choking sob — Tadman,
Ella, Chesher, and Mrs. Tadman admonish Mary
97 [epilogue
by a look to keep quiet.'] And as they were giving the
party in our honour [another look from the group,
which Mary doesn't zcnderstand] we felt bound to
stay till the last moment. [Another look from the
group. To Ella.] What 's the matter?
[Ella whispers to Mary.
Sir T. [Sternly, to Lady Bodsworth.] Now,
Fanny; >my dear, rouse yourself — and offer our sin-
cere cor1*gratulations to Sir Richard and Lady Which-
ello ftpon the honour which it has pleased His
Majesty
[Lady Bodsworth rises, still tearful, tries
to speak, bursts into tears.
Mary. Oh, never mind about the congratulations.
Dick and I are tired of them. [To Lady Bods-
worth.] Now this is very dear of you and Sir
Thomas. We're so glad to meet you again as old
friends [Shaking hands.
Lady B. [Still tearful, nerving herself to speak.]
I'm sure we're delighted — delighted
[Has a renewed little fit of tears.
Mary. Of course you are. And we shall see a great
deal of you, I hope. Lady Petbury sent you such a
sweet message.
Lady B. Did she?
Mary. Yes, she said : " How is our dear Lady Bods-
worth? I must call and see her the first time I'm in
Warkinstall."
Lady B. I think she might have invited [Sink-
ing on the sofa in renewed sobs?^ I do feel I've been
slighted.
Mary. No, no, no
[Lady Bodsworth continues sobbing. Mary
turns round with a gesture of helpless-
ness to the company.
Lady B. I'm sorry to upset your party
Ella. Oh, don't mention it. [To Felix.] The din-
ner 's spoiling.
SirT. [Sternly.] Fanny, this is unworthy the dignity
H
epilogue] 98
of our position. Even if we are not invited to Pet-
bury, we have still our rank in Warkinstall to main-
tain. Remember that, and don't let me have to
blush for you.
[Mary goes to Lady Bodsworth, and is
seen to be fussing over her and comforting
her.
Tadman. Oh, before I forget, Whichello, just put
that in your pocket and look at it when you get
home. [ Giving paper.
Dick. What is it?
Tadman. My revised scheme of Tariff Reform.
I've eased a bit on bacon, and tightened on rubber
and mackintosh.
Dick. So long as the leather trade gets a look
in
Tadman. Oh, it does. That 's a water-tight scheme.
I've sent it to the Party leaders.
Dick. Good!
Tadman. And we hope you'll attend the meeting
and say a few words
Dick. No thank you. I've chucked politics. Let
everybody have everything he hollers for. Then we
shall all be happy.
[Mary has taken Lady Bodsworth apart,
and is comforting her.
Lady B. You're quite sure it suits me?
Mary. Perfectly, perfectly. I've never seen you
look so charming. Don't change it in the least.
[Ella has whispered to SiR THOMAS and
Tadman about their partners.
Enter Dakin.
Dakin. Dinner is served, ma'am. \^Exit Dakin.
Mary. [To Lady Bodsworth.] There! You feel
better now.
Lady B. [A little tearful stilly Yes, but
[Gulps. Ella comes up to Lady Bods-
worth and whispers to her.
99 [epilogue
Lady B. {^Discontentedly \ Oh, Mr. Tadman takes
me in
Felix. [To Ella.] I thought my uncle-
Chesher. Oh, I give way and come in on my own.
Mr. Tadman
[Tadman, after niJich hesitation, is just
putting his third cocktail to his lips,
hurriedly puts glass on table, and goes
* to Lady Bodsworth, offers his arm.
Tadman. Delighted.
[Lady Bodsworth shows hesitation.
■ Ella. You'd prefer Dr. Chesher?
Lady B. No — I feel rather faint again.
[General consternation.
Lady B. [ Weeping copiously.'] And I have been so
slighted. But sooner than make things unpleasant, I
ffeel I'd better go home.
Mary. [Dropping Felix's ar^n, which she had taken.']
You take her in. [Felix demurs.] Yes, do. It will
please her. Lady Bodsworth, Mr. Galpin will take
you it.
Lady B. Oh no. It wouldn't be proper.
Mary. Oh, there's nothing improper [Stops,
remembering the word.] I insist. Give her your arm,
Felix, [Felix offers his arm to Lady Bodsworth.
Lady B. Oh no, it would be a breach of etiquette.
Mary. Etiquette? This is just a little family dinner
party. [To Felix.] Take her in.
Felix. Now Lady Bodsworth
Lady B. No, please. I couldn't dream of going in
before Lady Whichello — especially now she has been
created
[The thought causes a renewed fit of tears.
Felix turns in despair to ELLA.
Ella. Oh, take her, take her !
[Tadman manages to get to the table and
takes a sly sip of his third cocktail. FELIX
goes again to Lady Bodsworth and
offers arm.
epilogue] ioo
Lady B. Oh, no — it 's very kind — but I couldn't —
no, really.
Felix. Dear Lady Bodsworth, whom would you like
to take you in?
Lady B. I'm sure I don't mind — don't think of
me
Mary. What does it matter? We shan't get any
dinner. I'll take you in ! [ Taking Lady Bodsworth'S
arin.'\ Come along — Fanny!
[ Taking her to door. The door is too narrow
for them to go out together. They stand
there, each of them making way for the
other, and motiojiing each other to go
first. Mary resolutely takes Lady
Bodsworth'S arm and drags her off.
CURTAIN
[The author is threatened with an action for libel if he
publishes this comedy without revising it in a form that
will be acceptable to Mr. George Whichelow of Bermond-
sey. The author wishes to state that until the production
of the play he was unaware of the existence of Mr. George
Whichelow. He regrets if he has inadvertently given
any annoyance to that gentleman, but is quite unable
to understand the reason for that annoyance. It is ob-
vious that if Mr. George Whichelow's claim to revise this
play is not resisted, every author of a novel or a play
will in future be liable to a costly legal action from any
person who happens to have a similar name or trade to
any one of the characters in his work, j
MR. HENRY ARTHUR JONES'S PLAYS
THE DIVINE GIFT. A Play in Three Acts.
[^Recently published.
The Westmitister Gazette says: " 'The Divine Gift ' is admir-
able ; it contains real studies of character, and the people, without
being bookish, talk interestingly. The characters are finely,
solidly drawn, and Mr. Henry Arthur Jones succeeds in making
good his claim that the play is literary by an indisputable style in
the dialogue, which nevertheless is so human that no short,
effective extracts can be given. Regarded as a book, its one fault
is brevity ; regarded as a play, well . I hope that the managers
wiIl>soon give us an opportunity of judging and also that the
author's doubts about the existence of suitable leading ladies will
prove to be unfounded."
*The Pall Mall Gazette says: "The dialogue includes some of
the best Mr. Jones has ever written — witty, terse, graphic, full of
delightful suspenses and surprises. . . . The dramatic interest,
too, is of the tensest. . . . Mr. Jones has written a striking play ;
it is undoubtedly literature, with art and imagination."
(Duckworth and Co., 3^. dd.)
A NEW SHILLING EDITION OF MR. HENRY
ARTHUR JONES'S PLAYS.
' The Silver King.— Saints and Sinners.— The Middleman.—
Judah. — The Dancing Girl.— The Crusaders.— The Tempter. —
The Masqueraders. — The Case of Rebellious Susan. — The
■ Triumph of the Philistines. — Michael and his Lost Angel. — The
Rogue's Comedy. — The Physician. — The Liars. — The Manoeuvres
of Jane.- Carnac Sahib.— The Lackey's Carnival.— Mrs. Dane's
Defence. — The Princess's Nose. — Whitewashing Julia. — Joseph
Entangled. — The Hypocrites.— Dolly Reforming Herself.— Mary
Goes First.
{Will shortly be published by Samuel French, Ltd., is.)
TALKS WITH PLAYGOERS
No. I
MUNICIPAL AND REPERTORY THEATRES
A Lecture delivered to the Playgoers' Societies at Sheffield,
Manchester, and Leeds. With an introductory letter to
SIR JOHNSTON FORBES ROBERTSON
(G. Bell and Sons, Ltd., 6d.)
THE RENASCENCE OF THE ENGLISH
DRAMA. Lectures and Essays.
(Macmillan and Co., Ltd., 6s.)
THE FOUNDATIONS OF A NATIONAL
DRAMA. Lectures and Essays,
(Chapman and Hall, Ltd., ^s. 6d.)
AT ALL BOOKSELLERS
CHISWICK PRESS: CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO.
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE, LONDON.
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