PiCC/VDILLY 
 
 Laurence Oliphant 
 
P I C C A D I LLY 
 
This Work originally appeared in '■ BlacJ-i'ooiV s Magaz'im, 
 and has been sin-ce revised and altered by the Anihor. 
 
PICCADILLY 
 
 A FRAGMENT 
 
 CONTEMPORARY BIOGRAPHY 
 
 BY 
 
 LAURENCE OLIPHANT C r^ 
 
 NINTH EDITION 
 
 ' Someilinke love in poetry, 
 .^nd sjimc iu — Piccadilly." 
 
 — Praed. 
 
 WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS 
 
 EDINBURGH AND LONDON 
 
"Faithful, — 'I say, then, in answer to what Mr Envy hath 
 spoken, I never said aught but this, That what rule, or laws, or 
 customs, or people, were flat against the Word of God, are dia- 
 metrically opposed to Christianity. If I have said amiss in this, 
 convince me of my error, and I am ready here, before you all, to 
 make my recantation.' " — Bunyan's 'Pilgrim's Progress,' 
 
PREFACE yi/^iri 
 
 Five years have elapsed since the following 
 pages were penned, and periodically issued, 
 under an impulse which seemed at the time 
 irresistible. I found myself unable, by any 
 conscious act of volition, to control either the 
 plot or the style. Nor from my present point 
 of view do I particularly admire either the 
 one or the other. At the same time, I have 
 reason to hope that the republication of this 
 sketch now, with all its defects, is calculated 
 to do more good than harm to the society it 
 attempts to delineate. 
 
 This conviction must be my apology for 
 again forcing upon the public a fragment so 
 hostile to it in tone and spirit. I would re- 
 iterate the observation made elsewhere in the 
 work, that none of the characters are intended 
 to represent any members of society who were 
 then, or are now, alive. 
 
 rj2Rr,48 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PART PAOR 
 
 I. LOVE, 1 
 
 II. MADNESS, 35 
 
 [II. SUICIDE, 81 
 
 IV. THE AVOr.LD, 128 
 
 V. THE FLESH, 171 
 
 VI. THE " ," 219 
 
 CONCLUSION— MORAL, . . .263 
 
PICCADILLY. 
 
 PART I, 
 
 LOVE. 
 
 Piccadilly, 2d Febniai'y 1805. 
 In a window, a few doors from Cambridge House, 
 the following placard some time since invited, 
 apparently without much effect, the notice of the 
 passers-by, — " To let, this desirable family man- 
 sion." After a considerable period the " desirable 
 family" seem to have been given up in despair, 
 and the words vanished from the scene ; but the 
 board in the window, beginning " to let " remained, 
 while the " mansion " itself was converted upon it 
 into " unfurnished chambers." 
 
 As, in the words of that "humble companion," 
 whose life was rendered a burden to her by my 
 poor dear mother, "Money was not so much an 
 A 
 
2 nCCADILLY. 
 
 o"bJGct as a coiTif.orca'hlfi home," I did not hesitate 
 to instal myself in the first floor, which possessed 
 the advantage of a bay-window, with a double sash 
 to keep out the noise, together with an extensive 
 view of Green Park, and a sailor without legs per- 
 petually drawing ships upon the opposite pavement, 
 as a foreground. My friend Lord Grandon, who is 
 an Irish peer with a limited income, took the floor 
 above, as I was desirous of securing myself against 
 thumping overhead; moreover, I am extremely fond 
 of him. When I say that the position which I 
 enjoy socially, is as well adapted for seeing life as 
 the locality I selected for my residence, most of my 
 more fashionable readers will intuitively discover 
 who I am; fortunately, I have no cause to desire 
 to maintain an incognito which would be impos- 
 sible, though, perhaps, I ought to explain the mo- 
 tives which induce me now to bring myself even 
 more prominently before the public than I have 
 been in the habit of doing. 
 
 Sitting in my bay-window the other evening, and 
 reading the ' History of Civilisation,' by my late 
 lamented friend Mr Buckle, it occurred to me that 
 I also would write a history of civilisation — after 
 having seen the world, instead of before doing so, 
 as was the case with that gifted philosopher. Hav- 
 ing for many years past devoted myself to the study 
 of my fellow-men in all countries, I thought the 
 
LOVE. 3 
 
 time had come when I could, with profit to myself 
 and the world, give it the benefit of my extended 
 experience and my quick observation. No sooner 
 had I arrived at this determination, than with char- 
 acteristic promptitude I proceeded to put it into 
 execution ; and singular though it may appear, it 
 was not until then that I found myself quite incom- 
 petent to carry out the vast project I had under- 
 taken. The reason was at once apparent — I had 
 seen and thought too much ; and was in the posi- 
 tion which my predecessor had failed to reach, of 
 experimentally discovering that the task was beyond 
 the human power of accomplishment. Not easily 
 vanquished, I then thought of subdividing it, and 
 dealing exclusively with a single branch of civilisa- 
 tion. Mr Thomas Taylor Meadows, thought I, has 
 
 ' written a very elaborate chapter upon the progress 
 of civilisation as regarded from a Chinese point of 
 view, why should not I look upon it from a purely 
 
 / Piccadillean ? — so I immediately looked at it. The 
 hour 11 P.M. ; a long string of carriages advancing 
 
 / under my windows to Lady Palmerston's ; rain pelt- 
 ing; horses with ears pressed back, wincing under 
 the storm; coachmen and footmen presenting the 
 crowns of their hats to it ; streams running down 
 their waterproofs, and causing them to glitter in the 
 gaslight ; now and then the flash of a jewel inside 
 the carriages ; nothing visible of the occupants but 
 
4 PICCADILLY. 
 
 flounces surging up at the windows, as if they were 
 made of some delicious creamy substance, and were 
 going to overflow into the street ; policemen in large 
 capes, and if I may be allowed the expression, 
 " helmetically " sealed from the wet, keeping order ; 
 draggled women on foot "moving" rapidly on. 
 The fine ladies in their carriages moving on too 
 — but not quite so fast. 
 
 This Piccadillean view of the progress of civil- 
 isation suggested to me many serious reflections ; 
 among others, that if I intended to go to Cam- 
 bridge House myself, the sooner I went to dress 
 the better. Which way are we moving ? I mused, 
 as I made the smallest of white bows immediately 
 over a pearl stud in my neck. I gave up the " his- 
 tory " of civilisation. I certainly can't call it " the 
 progress " of civilisation ; that does all very well for 
 Pekin, not for London. Shall I do the Gibbon 
 business, and call it " the decline and fall " of civil- 
 isation? — and I absently thrust two right-hand 
 gloves into my pocket by mistake, and scrambling 
 across the wet pavement into my brougham, drove 
 in it the length of the file and arrived before I had 
 settled this important question. 
 
 While Lady Veriphast, having planted me en 
 tete-d-tete in a remote corner, was entertaining nic 
 with her accustomed vivacity, I am conscious of 
 having gazed into those large swimming eyes with 
 
LOVE. 5 
 
 a vacant stare so utterly at variance with my usual 
 animated expression, that she said at last, rather 
 pettishly, " What are you thinking about ? " 
 
 " Civilisation," I said, abruptly. 
 
 "You mean Conventionalism," she replied; 
 " have you come to the conclusion, as I have, that 
 all conventionalism is vanity ? " 
 
 " No ; only that it is ' vexation of spirit ; ' that is 
 the part that belongs to us — we leave the ' vanity ' 
 to the women." 
 
 "Dear me, I never heard you so solemn- and 
 profound before. Are you in love ? " 
 
 " No," I said ; " I am thinking of writing a book, 
 but I don't see my way to it." 
 
 " And the subject is the Conventionalism which 
 you call civilisation. Well, I don't wonder at your 
 looking vacant. You are not quite up to it, Lord 
 ' Frank. Why don't you write a novel ? " 
 
 " My imagination is too vivid, and would run 
 away with me." 
 
 " Nothing else would," she said, laughing ; " but 
 if you don't like fiction, you can always fall back 
 upon fact ; be the hero of your own romance, 
 publish your diary, and call it ' The Experiences of 
 a Product of the Highest State of Civilisation.' 
 Thus you will be able to write about civilisation 
 and yourself at the same time, which I am sure you 
 will like. I want some tea, please ; do you know 
 
6 PICCADILLY. 
 
 you are rather dull to-niglit ? " And Lady Veri- 
 pliast walked me into the middle of the crowd, and 
 abandoned me abruptly for somebody else, with 
 whom she returned to her corner, and I went and 
 had tea by myself. 
 
 But Lady Veriphast had put me on the right 
 track : why, I thought as I scrambled back again 
 from my brougham across the wet pavement to my 
 bay-window, should I not begin at once to write 
 about the civilisation of the day ? ' The Civilisa- 
 tion of the British Isles, as exhibited in Piccadilly, 
 a Fragment of Contemporaneous Biography,' that 
 would not be a bad title ; people would think, if I 
 called it a biography, it must be true ; here I 
 squared my elbows before a quantity of foolscap, 
 dipped my pen in the ink, and dashed off the in- 
 troduction as above. 
 
 Next morning I got up and began again as 
 follows: Why should I commit the ridiculous 
 error of supposing that the incidents of my daily 
 life are not likely to interest the world at large ? 
 Whether I read the diary of Mr Pepys, or of Lady 
 Morgan — whether I wade through the Journal of 
 Mr Evelyn, or pleasantly while away an hour with 
 the memoirs of " a Lady of Quality," I am equally 
 struck with this traditional practice of the bores 
 and the wits of society, to write at length the 
 records of their daily life, bottle them carefully up 
 
LOVE. 7 
 
 in a series of ^IS. volumes, and leave them to their 
 grandchildren to publish, and to posterity to 
 criticise. Now it has always appeared to me that 
 the whole fun of writing was to watch the im- 
 mediate effect produced by one's own literary 
 genius. If, in addition to this, it is possible to 
 interest the public in the current events of one's 
 life, what nobler object of ambition could a man 
 propose to himself ? Thus, though the circle of my 
 personal acquaintances may not be increased, I 
 shall feel my sympathies are becoming enlarged 
 with each succeeding mark of confidence I bestow 
 upon the numerous readers to whom I will recount 
 the most intimate relations of my life. I will tell 
 them of my aspirations and my failures — of my 
 hopes and fears, of my friends and my enemies. 
 I shall not shrink from alluding to the state of my 
 affections ; and if the still unfulfilled story of my 
 life becomes involved with the destiny of others, 
 and entangles itself in an inextricable manner, that 
 is no concern of mine. I shall do nothing to be 
 ashamed of, or that I can't tell ; and if truth turn 
 out stranger than fiction, so much the better for my 
 readers. It may be that I shall become the hero 
 of a sensation episode in real life, for the future 
 looks vague and complicated enough ; but it is 
 much better to make the world my friend before 
 anything serious occurs, than allow posterity to 
 
S PICCADILLY. 
 
 misjudge my conduct when I am no longer alive 
 to explain it. Now, at least, I have the satisfac- 
 tion of knowing that whatever happens I shall 
 give my version of the story first. Should the 
 daily tenor of my life be undisturbed, I can always 
 fall back upon the exciting character of my 
 opinions. 
 
 As I write, the magnitude of the task I propose 
 to myself assumes still larger proportions. I yearn 
 to develop in the world at large those organs of 
 conscientiousness and benevolence which we all 
 possess but so few exercise. I invoke the co- 
 operation of my readers in this great work : I 
 implore them to accompany me step by step in the 
 crusade which I am about to preach in favour of 
 
 , the sacrifice of self for the public good. I demand 
 their sympathy in this monthly record of my trials 
 as an uncompromising exponent of the motives of 
 the day, and I claim their tender solicitude should 
 I writhe, crushed and mangled by the iron hand of 
 a social tyranny dexterously concealed in its velvet 
 glove. I will begin my efforts at reform with the 
 Church ; I may then possibly diverge to the 
 
 \ Legislature, and I will mix in the highest circles 
 of society in the spirit of a missionary. I will 
 endeavour to show everybody up to everybody else 
 in the spirit of love ; and if they end by quarrelling 
 with each other and with me, I shall at least have 
 
LOVE. 9 
 
 the satisfaction of feeling myself divested of all 
 further responsibility in the matter. In my 
 present frame of mind apathy would be culpable 
 and weakness a crime. 
 
 Candour compels me to state that when, as I 
 told Lady Veriphast, my imagination becomes 
 heated, my pen travels with a velocity which fails 
 to convey any adequate impression of the seething 
 thoughts which course through my brain. I lose 
 myself in my subject, and become almost insensible 
 to external sensations ; thus it happened that I did 
 not hear the door open as I v/as writing the above, 
 and I was totally unconscious as I was reading 
 fervently aloud the last paragraph, containing those 
 aspirations which I promised to confide to the 
 public, that I had already a listener. Judge of my 
 surprise — I may say dismay — when, just as I had 
 finished, and was biting the end of my pen for a 
 new inspiration, I heard the voice of Grandon close 
 r behind my chair. " Well done, my dear Frank," 
 \he said— and as he has known me from my boy- 
 hood, he can make allowances for my fervent 
 nature. " Your programme is very complete, but 
 I doubt your being able to carry it out. How, for 
 instance, do you propose to open the campaign 
 against the Church ? " 
 
 If there is one quality upon which I pride my- 
 self more than another it is readiness. I certainly 
 
lO PICCADILLY. 
 
 had not formed the slightest conception of how 
 these burning thoughts of mine should be put into 
 execution ; but I did not hesitate a second in my 
 answer. " I shall go down to a bishop and stay 
 with him in his palace," T replied, promptly. 
 
 " Which one ? " said Grandon, 
 
 I was going to say " Oxbridge," as he is the only 
 one I happen to know ; but, in the first place, I am 
 a little afraid of him ; and, in the second, I am 
 hardly on sufficiently intimate terms with him to 
 venture to propose myself— so I said, with some 
 effrontery, " Oh, to a colonial bishop, whom you 
 don't know." 
 
 "Nor you either, I suspect," laughed Grandon. 
 " Just at present colonial bishops are rather scarce 
 articles, and I have never heard of one in England 
 with a palace, though there are a good many of 
 them dotted about in snug livings, retaining only 
 their lawn sleeves, either to laugh in or remind 
 them of the dignity and the hardships of which 
 they did not die abroad. Their temptations are of 
 a totally different nature from theirs who are mem- 
 bers of the House of Peers, and they must be treated 
 apart ; in fact, you will have to take them with the 
 missionaries and colonial clergy. I quite agree 
 with you that if there is one thing that is more 
 urgently needed than a missionary to the ball-room, 
 it is a missionary to the missionaries ; and as you 
 
LOVE. 1 1 
 
 have had so much experience of their operations 
 abroad, you might become a very useful labourer in 
 the ecclesiastical vineyard." 
 
 I need scarcely say that my heart leaped at the 
 thought; it was a work for which I felt myself 
 specially qualified. " Why," I have thought, 
 " should there be a set of men who preach to 
 others, and are never preached at themselves ? 
 Every class and condition of life has its peculiar 
 snares and temptations, and one class is set apart 
 to point them out — surely there should be some- 
 body to perform that kind office for them which 
 they do for others. He who is paid to find out the 
 mote that is in his brother's eye, and devotes his 
 energies to its discovery, is of all men the one who 
 requires the most kind and faithful friend to show 
 him the beam which is in his own. I will be that 
 friend, and charge nothing for it," thought I. 
 
 Grandon saw the flush of enthusiasm which 
 mounted to my brow, and looked grave. 
 
 " My impulsive friend," he said, " this is a very 
 serious subject ; we must beware lest we fall into 
 the error which we blame in others. It is one 
 thing to see the need of the missionary, it is an- 
 other to rush headlong upon the work. However, 
 I am able to offer you an opportunity of beginning 
 at once, for I have just come to tell you that 
 Dickiefield has given us a joint invitation to go 
 
12 PICCADILLY. 
 
 down to-morrow to Dickiefield, to stay till Parlia- 
 ment opens; we shall be certain to find a choice 
 assortment of pagan and theological curiosities in 
 that most agreeable of country-houses, and you 
 may possibly meet the identical colonial bishop at 
 whose palace you proposed staying. The three 
 o'clock train lands us exactly in time for dinner. 
 Will you come?" 
 
 "Of course I will. Nothing would justify my 
 neglecting so promising a vineyard in which to 
 commence my labours;" and I rubbed my hands 
 enthusiastically, and sat down to write a series of 
 those " consecrated lies " by means of which dinner 
 engagements, already accepted, are at the last 
 moment evaded. 
 
 Dickiefield, 4(h Fehruary. 
 
 The party here consists of old Lady Broadhem, 
 with that very aspiring young nobleman, her son, 
 the young Earl (old Lord Broadhem died last year), 
 and his sisters, Ladies Bridget and Ursula Newlyte, 
 neither of whom I have seen since they emerged 
 from the nursery. 
 
 They had all disappeared to dress for dinner, 
 however, and Dickiefield had not come home from 
 riding, so that when Grandon and I entered the 
 drawing-room, we found only the deserted appa- 
 ratus of the afternoon tea, a Bishop, and a black 
 
LOVE. 13 
 
 man — and we had to introduce ourselves. The 
 Bishop had a beard and an apron, his companion 
 a turban, and such very large shoes, that it was 
 evident his feet were unused to the confinement. 
 The Bishop looked stern and determined; perhaps 
 there was just a dash of worldliness about the twist 
 of his mustache. His companion wore a subdued 
 and unctuous appearance ; his face was shaved ; 
 and the whites of his eyes were very bloodshot and 
 yellow. Neither of them was the least embarrassed 
 when we were shown in; Grandon and I both were 
 slightly. " What a comfort tliat the snow is gone," 
 said I to the Bishop. 
 
 " Yes," said his lordship ; " the weather is very 
 trying to me, who have just arrived from the Carib- 
 bee Islands." 
 
 " I suppose you have accompanied his lordship 
 from the Caribbee Islands," said I, turning to the 
 swarthy individual, whom I naturally supposed to 
 be a specimen convert. 
 
 " No," he said ; " he had arrived some months 
 since from Bombay." 
 
 " Think of staying long in England ? " said 
 Grandon. 
 
 " That depends upon my prospects at the next 
 general election. I am looking out for a borough." 
 
 " Dear me!" said Grandon; and we all, Bishop 
 included, gazed on him with astonishment. 
 
14 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " My name is Clmndango," he went on. " My 
 parents were both Hindoos. Before I was converted 
 my other name was Juggonath ; now I am John. I 
 became acquainted with a circle of dear Christian 
 friends in Bombay, during my connection, as cate- 
 chist, with the Tabernacle INIissionary Society, was 
 peculiarly favoured in some mercantile transactions 
 into which I subsequently entered in connection 
 with cotton, and have come to spend my fortune, 
 and enter public life, in this country. I was just 
 expressing to our dear friend here," pointing in a 
 patronising way towards the Bishop, " my regret at 
 finding that he shares in views which are becoming 
 so prevalent in the Cliurch, and are likely to taint 
 the Protestantism of Great Britain and part of Ire- 
 land." 
 
 " Goodness," thought I, " how this complicates 
 matters ! which of these two now stands most in 
 need of my services as a missionary ? " As Dickie- 
 field was lighting me up to my bedroom, I could 
 not resist congratulating him upon his two guests. 
 " A good specimen of the ' unsound muscular,' the 
 Bishop," said I. 
 
 " Not very," said Dickiefield ; " he is not so un- 
 sound as he looks, and he is not unique, like the 
 other. I flatter myself I have under my roof the 
 only well - authenticated instance of the Hindoo 
 converted millionaire. It is true he became a 
 
LOVE. 1 5 
 
 'Government Christian' when he was a poor boy 
 of fifteen, and began life as a catechist ; then he 
 saw a good mercantile opening, and went into 
 cotton, out of which he has realised an immense 
 fortune, and now is going into political life in 
 England, wdiich he could not have done in an 
 unconverted condition. Who ever heard before of 
 a Bombay man wanting to get into Parliament, 
 and coming home with a carte dii pays all ar- 
 ranged before he started ? He advocates extension 
 of the franchise, ballot, and the Evangelical Alli- 
 ance, so I thought I would fasten him on to Broad- 
 hem — they'll help to float each other." 
 
 " Who else have you got here besides ? " I asked. 
 
 " Oh, only a petroleum aristocrat from the oil 
 regions of America — another millionaire. He is a 
 more wonderful instance even than Chundango, 
 for he was a poor man three months ago, when he 
 'struck oil' You will find him most intelligent, 
 full of information ; but you will look upon him, 
 of course, as the type of the peculiar class to which 
 he belongs, and not of Americans generally." And 
 my warm-hearted and eccentric friend. Lord Dickie- 
 field, left me to my meditations and my toilet. 
 
 " I shall probably have to take one of these 
 Broadhem girls in to dinner," thought I, as I 
 followed the rustle of their crinolines down-stairs 
 back to the drawing-room. So I ranged myself 
 
l6 PICCADILLY. 
 
 near the one with dark hair and blue eyes — I like 
 the combination — to the great annoyance of Jug- 
 gonath, who had got so near her for the same pur- 
 pose that his great foot was on her dress. 
 
 " I beg your pardon, Mr Juggernaut," said [, 
 giving him a slight shove, " I think you are stand- 
 ing " 
 
 " Chundango, sir, if you please," said he, uncon- 
 sciously making way for me, " Juggonath is the 
 name which my poor benighted countrymen " 
 
 " Juggernaut still speaking, as they say in the 
 telegraphic reports from the House of Commons," 
 I remarked to Lady Ursula, as I carried her off 
 triumphantly; and the Indian's voice was lost in 
 the hum of the general movement towards the din- 
 ing-room. 
 
 I have promised not to shrink from alluding to 
 those tender sensibilities which an ordinary mortal 
 jealously preserves from the rough contact of his 
 fellow-men; but I am not an ordinary mortal, and 
 I have no hesitation in saying, that never in my life 
 have I gone through such a distinct change of feel- 
 ing in the same period as during the two hours we 
 sat at that dinner. Deeply versed as I am in every 
 variety of the sex, married or single, how was I to 
 / know that Lady Ursula was as little like the rest of 
 the species as our Bombay friend was to wealthy 
 Hindoos generally ? What reason had I to suppose 
 
LOVE. 17 
 
 tliat Lady Broadhem's daughter could possibly be a 
 aew type ? 
 
 Having been tolerably intimate at Broadhem 
 House before she was out, I knew well the atmo- 
 sphere which had surrounded her youth, and took 
 it for granted that she had imbibed the family 
 views. 
 
 "Interesting creature, John Chundango, Esq.," 
 said I, for I thought she had looked grave at the 
 flippancy of my last remark ; " he has quite the 
 appearance of a ' Brand.' " 
 
 " A what ? " said Lady Ursula, as she looked up 
 and caught him glaring fixedly at her with his great 
 yellow eyeballs from the other side of the table. 
 
 " Of course I don't mean of the ' whipper-in ' of 
 the Liberal party, but of one rescued from fire. I 
 understand that his great wealth, so far from having 
 proved a snare to him, has enabled him to join in 
 many companies for the improvement of Bombay, 
 and that his theological views are quite unexcep- 
 tionable." 
 
 " If his conversion leads him to avoid discussing 
 either his neighbours or their theology. Lord Frank, 
 I think he is a person whom we may all envy." 
 
 Is that a hit at her mother or at me ? thought I. 
 At Broadhem House, society and doctrine used to 
 be the only topics of discussion. My fair friend 
 here has probably had so much of it that she has 
 
1 8 PICCADILLY. 
 
 gone off on another tack ; perhaps she is a " still 
 deep fast " one. As I thought thus, I ran over in 
 my mind my young-lady categories, as follows : — 
 
 (The wholly worldly 
 and 
 The worldly holy. 
 
 In this case the distinction is very fine; but 
 though they are bracketed together, there is an ap- 
 preciable difference, which perhaps, some day when 
 I have time, I shall discuss. 
 
 Second, " The still deep fast." 
 
 This may seem to be a contradiction in terms ; 
 but the fact is, while the upper surface seems tran- 
 quil enough, there is a strong rapid undercurrent. 
 The danger is, in this case, that you are very apt to 
 go in -what is called a " header." The moment you 
 dive you get caught by the undercurrent, and the 
 chances are you never rise to the surface again. 
 
 Third, " The rippling glancing fast." 
 
 This is less fatal, but to my mind not so attractive 
 as the other. The ripples are produced by quanti- 
 ties of pebbles, which are sure to give one what is 
 called in America " a rough time." The glancing 
 is only dangerous to youths in the first stage, and 
 is perfectly innocuous after one season. 
 
 Fourth, " The rushing gushing fast." 
 
 This speaks for itself, and may be considered per- 
 fectly harmless. 
 
LOVE. 19 
 
 There are only two slows — the " strong-minded 
 blue slow," and the " heavy slow." 
 
 The " strong-minded blue slow " includes every 
 branch of learning. It is extremely rare, and alarm- 
 ing to the youth of the day. I am rather partial to 
 it myself. 
 
 The " heavy slow " is, alas ! too common. 
 
 To return to Lady Ursula : not " worldly holy," 
 that was quite clear; certainly neither of the 
 " slows," I covild see that in her eye, to say nothing 
 of the retort ; not " ripx^ling glancing," her eye was 
 not of that kind either ; certainly not " rushing 
 gushing." What remained ? Only " Wholly world- 
 ly," or " still deep fast." 
 
 These were the thoughts that coursed through 
 my mind as I pondered over her last remark. I 
 had not forgotten that I had a great work to accom- 
 plish. The missionary spirit was ever burning 
 within me, but it was necessary to examine the 
 ground before attempting to prepare it for seed. 
 I'll try her as " still deep," thought I. 
 
 " Did you go out much last season ? " I said, by 
 way of giving an easy turn to the conversation. 
 
 " No ; we have been very little in London, but 
 we are going up this year. We have always re- 
 sisted leaving the country, but mamma wants to 
 make a home for Broadhem." 
 
 " Ah ! it is his first season, and naturally he will 
 
20 PICCADILLY. 
 
 go out a great deal. Of course you know the three 
 reasons which take men into society in London," I 
 said, after a pause. 
 
 " No, I don't. What are they ? " 
 
 " Either to find a wife, or to look after one's wife, 
 or to look after somebody else's." 
 
 I was helping myself to potatoes as I made this 
 observation in a tone of easy indifference ; but as 
 she did not immediately answer, I glanced at her, 
 and was at once overcome with remorse and confu- 
 sion ; her neck and face were suffused with a glow 
 which produced the immediate effect upon my sen- 
 sitive nature of making me feel a brute ; her very 
 eyelids trembled as she kept them steadily lowered : 
 and yet what had I said which I had not repeatedly 
 said before to both the " slows," one of the " world- 
 lies," and all the "fasts"? Even some of the 
 " worldly holies " rather relish this style of conver- 
 sation, though I always wait for them to begin it, 
 for fear of accidents. Fortunately, however much 
 I am moved, I never lose my presence of mind ; so 
 I deliberately upset my champagne-glass into her 
 plate, and, with the delicacy and tact of a refined 
 nature, so worded the apologies with which I over- 
 whelmed her, that she forgave my first cjaucheric in 
 laughing over the second. 
 
 She can be nothing now, thought I, but " wholly 
 
LOVE. 21 
 
 worldly," but she should be ticketed, like broadcloth, 
 " superfine ; " so I must tread cautiously. 
 
 " I hear Lord Broadhem is going to make his po- 
 litical d6but in a few days," I remarked, after a 
 pause. " What line does he think of taking ? " 
 
 " He has not told me exactly what he means to 
 say, as I am afraid we do not quite agree in what 
 philosophers call ' first principles,' " she replied, with 
 a smile and a slight sigh, 
 
 "Ah !" I said, " I can guess what it is ; he is a 
 little too Eadical for you, but you must not mind 
 that ; depend upon it, an ambitious young peer can't 
 do better than ally himself with the Manchester 
 school. They have j)lenty of talent, but have failed 
 as yet to make much impression upon the country 
 for lack of an aristocrat. It is like a bubble com- 
 pany in the City ; they want a nobleman as chair- 
 man to give an air of respectability to the direction. 
 He might perhaps be a prophet without honour if 
 he remained in his own country, so he is quite right 
 to go to Manchester, I look upon cotton, backed 
 by Exeter Hall, as so strong a combination, that 
 they would give an immense start in public life to 
 a young man with great family prestige, even of 
 small abilities ; but as Broadhem has good nat- 
 ural talents, and is in the Upper House into the 
 bargain, the move, in a strategical point of view, 
 
22 PICCADILLY. 
 
 SO far as his future career is concerned, is per- 
 fect." 
 
 " I cannot tell you, Lord Frank," said Lady Ur- 
 sula, " how distressed I am to hear you talk in this 
 way. As a woman, I suppose I am not competent 
 to discuss politics ; and if Broadhem conscientiously 
 believes in manhood suffrage and the Low Church, 
 and considers it his duty before God to lose no op- 
 portunity of propagating his opinions, I should be 
 the first to urge his using all the influence which his 
 name and wealth give him in what would then be- 
 come a sacred duty ; but the career that you talk 
 about is not a sacred duty. It is a wretched Will- 
 o'-the-wisp that tempts men to wade through mire 
 in its pursuit, not the bright star fixed above them 
 in the heavens to light up their path. I firmly be- 
 lieve," she went on, as she warmed to her theme, 
 " that that one word ' Career,' has done more to 
 demoralise public men than any other word in the 
 language. It is one embodiment of that selfishness 
 which we are taught from our cradles. Boys go to 
 school with strict injunctions if possible to put self 
 at the top of it. They take the highest honours at 
 the university purely for the sake of self How can 
 we expect when they get into Parliament that they 
 should think of anything but self, until at last the 
 most conscientious of them is only conscientious by 
 contrast? Who is there that ever tells them that 
 
LOVE. 23 
 
 personal ambition is a sin the most hateful in the 
 sight of God, the first and not the last ' iniirmity of 
 noble minds ' ? I know you think me foolish and 
 unpractical, and will tell me mine is an impossible 
 standard ; but I don't believe in impossible standards 
 where public morality is concerned. At all events, 
 let us make some attempt in an upward direction ; 
 and as a first step I propose to banish from the 
 vocabulary that most pernicious of all words, ' A 
 Career.' " 
 
 She stopped, with eyes sparkling and cheeks 
 flushed ; by the way, I did not before remark, for I 
 only now discovered, that she was lovely — " wholly 
 worldly " — what sacrilege ! say rather " barely mor-. 
 tal ; " and I forthwith instituted a new category. 
 My own ideas, thought I, expressed in feminine 
 language; she is converted already, and stands in 
 no need of a missionary. Grandon himself could 
 not take higher ground; as I thought of him I looked 
 up, and found his eyes fixed upon us. " My friend 
 Grandon would sympathise most cordially in your 
 sentiments," I said, generously ; for I had fallen a 
 victim in preparing the ground ; I had myself tum- 
 bled into the pit which I had dug for her ; for had 
 I not endeavoured to entrap her by expressing the 
 most unworthy opinions, in the hope that by assent- 
 ing to them she would have furnished me with a 
 text to preach upon { 
 
24 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " Yes," she replied, in a low tone, and with a 
 slight tremor in her voice, " I know what Lord 
 Grandon's views are, for he was staying with ns at 
 Broadhem a few weeks ago, and I heard him upon 
 several occasions discussing the subject with my 
 brother." 
 
 " Failed to convert him, though, it would appear," 
 said I, thinking what a delightful field for mission- 
 ary operations Broadhem House would be. " Per- 
 haps I should be more successful. Grandon wants 
 tact. Young men sometimes require very delicate 
 handling." 
 
 " So do young women," said Lady Ursula, laugh- 
 ing. " Will you please look under the table for my 
 fan ? " and away sailed the ladies, leaving me rather 
 red from having got under the table, and very much 
 in love indeed. 
 
 I was roused from the reverie into which I in- 
 stantly fell by Dickiefield telling me to pass the 
 wine, and asking me if I knew my next neighbour. 
 I looked round and saw a young man with long 
 flaxen hair, blue eyes, and an unhealthy complexion, 
 dexterously impaling pieces of apple upon his knife, 
 and conveying them with it to his mouth, " Mr 
 Wog," said Dickiefield, " let me introduce you to 
 Lord Frank Vanecourt." 
 
 " Who did you say, sir ? " said ^Mr Viog, in a strong 
 
LOVE. 25 
 
 American accent, without taking the slightest notice 
 of me. 
 
 " Lord Frank Vanecourt," said Dickiefield. 
 
 " Lord Frank Vanecourt, sir, how do you do, sir ? 
 — proud to malve your acquaintance, sir," said Mr 
 Wog. 
 
 "The same to you, sir," said I. "Pray, where 
 were you raised V I wanted to show Mr Wog that 
 I was not such a barbarian as he might imagine, 
 and knew how to ask a civil question or two. 
 
 " Well, sir, I'm a Missouri man," he replied. " I 
 was a captain under Frank Blair, till I was taken 
 bad with chills and fever; then I gave up the chills 
 and kept the fever — ' oil-fever ' they call it down to 
 Pithole — you've heard of Pithole ? " 
 
 " Yes," I said, I had heard of that magical city. 
 
 " Well, just as I struck oil, one of your English 
 lords came over there for the purpose of what he 
 called ' getting up petroleum,' and we were room- 
 mates in the same hotel for some time, and got quite 
 friendly; and when he saw my new kerosene lamp, 
 and found I was coming to have it patented in this 
 country, he promised to help me to get up a Patent 
 Lamp Company, and gave me letters to some of 
 your leading aristocracy ; so, before leaving, I saw 
 the President, and told him I would report on the 
 state of feeling in your highest circles about our war. 
 
26 PICCADILLY. 
 
 We know what it is in your oppressed classes, but 
 it aint every one has a chance, like me, of finding 
 out how many copperheads there are among your 
 lords. My father, sir, you may have heard of by 
 name — Appollonius T. Wog, the founder, and, I 
 may say, the father of the celebrated ' Pollywog 
 Convention,' which was named after him, and 
 which unfortunately burst up just in time to be 
 too late to save our country from bursting up too." 
 
 I expressed to Mr Wog my condolences on the 
 premature decease of the Pollywog Convention, and 
 asked him how long he had been in England, and 
 whom he had seen. 
 
 " Well, sir," he said, " I have only been here a 
 few days, and I have seen considerable people ; but 
 none of them were noblemen, and they are the class 
 I have to report upon. The Earl of Broadhem, here, 
 is the first with whom I have conversed, and he 
 informs me that he has just come from one of your 
 universities, and that the sympathies of the great 
 majority of your rising youth are entirely with the 
 North." 
 
 " You may report to your Government that the 
 British youth of the present day, hot from the uni- 
 versity, are very often prigs." 
 
 " Most certainly I will," said Mr Wog ; " the last 
 word, however, is one with which I am not ac- 
 quainted." 
 
LOVE. 27 
 
 " It is an old English term for profound thinker," 
 I replied. 
 
 Mr Wog took out a pocket-book, and made a 
 note ; while he was doing so, he said, with a sly 
 look, " Have you an old English word for ' quite a 
 fine gurl ' ? " 
 , " No," I said ; " they are a modern invention." 
 
 " Well, sir, I can tell you the one that sat 'twixt 
 you and me at dinner would knock the spots out of 
 some of our ' Sent ' Louis belles." 
 
 In my then frame of mind the remark caused 
 me such acute pain that I plunged into a conversa- 
 tion that was going on between Grandon and Dickie- 
 field on the present state of our relations with Bra- 
 zil, and took no further notice of ]\Ir Wog for the 
 rest of the evening ; only, as my readers may pos- 
 sibly hear more of him in society during this season, 
 I have thought it right to introduce him to them at 
 once. 
 
 We all went to hear Broadhem's speech next day, 
 and whatever might have been our private opinion 
 upon the matter, we all, with the exception of Gran- 
 don and Lady Ursula, warmly congratulated him 
 upon it afterwards. John Chundango and Joseph 
 Caribbee Islands both made most effective speeches, 
 but we did not feel the least called upon to congratu- 
 late them : they each alluded with great affection to 
 the heathen and to Lord Broadhem. Chundango drew 
 
28 PICCADILLY. 
 
 a facetious contrast between his lordship and an 
 effeminate young Eastern prince, which was highly 
 applauded by the audience that crowded the town- 
 hall of Gullaby ; and Joseph made a sort of grim 
 joke about the probable effect of the " Court of 
 Final Appeal " upon the theological tenets of the 
 Caribbee Islanders, that made Lady Broadhem 
 cough disapprobation, and everybody else on the 
 platform feel uncomfortable. I confess I have 
 rather a weakness for Joseph. He has a blunt off- 
 hand way of treating the most sacred topics, that 
 you only find among those who are professionally 
 familiar with the subject. There is something re- 
 freshingly muscular in the way he lounges down to 
 the smoking-room in an old grey shooting-coat, and 
 lights the short black meerschaum, which he tells 
 you kept off fever in the Caribbee Islands, while 
 the smoke loses itself in the depths of his thick 
 beard, which he is obliged to wear because of his 
 delicate throat. There is a force and an ease in his 
 mode of dealing with inspiration at such a moment 
 which you feel must give him an immense ascend- 
 ancy over the native mind. 
 
 He possesses what may be termed a dry ecclesi- 
 astical humour, differing entirely from Chundango's, 
 whose theological fun takes rather the form of 
 Scriptural riddles, picked up while he was a cate- 
 chist. Neither he nor Broadhem smoke, so we had 
 
LOVE. 29 
 
 Wog and the Bishop to ourselves for half an hour 
 before going to bed. " You must come and break- 
 fast with me some morning in Piccadilly to meet 
 my interesting friend Brother Chrysostom, my 
 lord," said I. 
 
 I always like to give a bishop his title, particu- 
 larly a missionary bishop ; it is a point of ecclesi- 
 astical etiquette about which I have heard that the 
 propagators of Christianity were very particular, 
 
 " If you will allow me, sir, I will join the party," 
 said Mr Wog, before the Bishop could reply ; " and 
 as I don't know where Piccadilly is, I'll just ask 
 the Bishop to bring me along. There is a good deal 
 of law going on between your bishops just now," 
 our American friend went on, " and I should like 
 to know the rights of it. We in our country con- 
 sider that your Ecclesiastical Court is a most re- 
 markable institution for a Christian land. Why 
 sir, law is strictly prohibited in a certain place ; and 
 it seems to me that you might as well talk of a 
 good devil as a religious court. If it is wrong for a 
 layman to go to law, it must be wrong for a bishop. 
 What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander; 
 that proverb holds good in your country as well as 
 mine, don't it ?" 
 
 " The Ecclesiastical Court is a court of discipline 
 and doctrine rather than of law," said Dickiefield. 
 
 "Well, it's a court anyhow you fix it; and your 
 
30 PICCADILLY. 
 
 parsons must be a bad lot to want a set of lawyers 
 reg'larly trained to keep tliem in order." 
 
 " Perhaps Parson Brownlow would have been the 
 better of a court of some kind," said the Bishop. 
 " It seems to me that to be a minister of the Gos- 
 pel at one moment, a colonel at another, and the 
 Governor of a State at a third, illustrates the abuses 
 which arise when such courts don't exist. "With 
 us, now, when a man once takes orders, he remains 
 in them for the rest of his life." 
 
 " Even after he has concluded not to obey them, 
 ah?" asked Mr Wog. 
 
 " Ah, Mr Wog," I interrupted, " before you re- 
 turn to the oil regions, you must make yourself 
 acquainted with the enormous advantages connected 
 with a State Church. You must grasp the idea 
 that it is founded chiefly upon Acts of Parliament 
 — that the clergy are only a paid branch of the 
 Civil Service, exercising police function? of a very 
 lofty and important character. The 'orders' come 
 from the Queen, the ' Articles ' are interpreted by 
 the Privy Council, and 'England expects every 
 clergyman to do his duty.' As I think some of the 
 late doctrinal decisions of the judicial committee 
 are questionable, I am drawing up a bill for the re- 
 form of the Protestant religion, and for the addition 
 of a fortieth article to the existing thirty-nine. If 
 T can carry it through both Houses of Parliament. 
 
LOVE. 3 1 
 
 all the convocations in Christendom cannot prevent 
 the nation from accepting it as absolute divine 
 truth ; and I shall have the extreme satisfaction of 
 feeling that I am manufacturing a creed for the 
 masses, and thus securing a theological progress 
 commensurate with our educational enlightenment. 
 As long as the law of the land enables a majority 
 of the Legislature to point out the straight and 
 narrow way to the archbishops and bishops who 
 have to lead their flocks along it, I have no fear for 
 the future. It must be a comfort to feel, that if 
 the worst comes to the worst, you have, as in the 
 House of Commons, to lean upon ' my lord.' " 
 
 But the "dry ecclesiastical humour" of the 
 Bishop, to which I have referred, did not evidently 
 run in the same channel as mine. 
 
 " I don't think," he said, sternly, " that this is 
 either the place or the mode in which to discuss 
 subjects of so solemn a nature." 
 
 " I was only speaking of the system generally," 
 I retorted, " and did not propose to enter here upon 
 any doctrinal details of a really sacred character ; 
 those I leave to ecclesiastical dignitaries and learned 
 divines with initials, to ventilate in a sweet Chris- 
 tian spirit in the columns of the daily press." 
 
 But the Bishop had already lit his candle, and 
 with an abrupt " good night," vanished. 
 
 " Eeally, Frank," said Dickiefield, " it is not fair 
 
32 PICCADILLY. 
 
 of you to drive my guests to bed before they have 
 finished their pipes in that way. What you say 
 may be perfectly true, but there can be no sort of 
 advantage in stating it so broadly." 
 
 " My dear Dickiefield, how on earth is our friend 
 Wog here to understand what his southern country- 
 man would call ' our peculiar institution,' if some- 
 body does not enlighten him ? I want him, on his 
 return, to point out to the President the advantage 
 of substituting a State Church for the State rights 
 which are so rapidly disappearing." \Vliereupon 
 we diverged into American politics ; and I asked 
 Grandon an hour later, as we went to bed, what he 
 thought of my first missionary effort. 
 
 " If the effect of your preaching is to drive your 
 listeners away," he said, laughing, " I am afraid it 
 will not meet with much success." 
 
 " It is a disagreeable task, but somebody must do 
 it," I replied, feeling really discouraged. " It makes 
 me quite sad to look at these poor wandering 
 shepherds, who really mean to do right, but who 
 are so utterly bewildered themselves, that they have 
 lost all power of guiding their flocks without the 
 assistance of lawyers. Wlien did these latter bring 
 back 'the key of knowledge,' that one of old said 
 they had ' taken away ? ' or why are they not as 
 ' blind leaders of the blind ' now as they were then ? 
 If I speak harshly, it is because I fancy I see % 
 
LOVE. 33 
 
 ditch before them. I shall feel bound to trouble 
 the Bishop again with a few practical remarks. 
 There is no knowing whether even he may not be 
 brought to perceive that you might as well try to 
 extract warmth from an iceberg as divine inspira- 
 tion from the State, and that a Church without in- 
 spiration is simply a grate without fire. The clergy 
 may go on teaching for doctrine the commandments 
 of men, and stand and shiver in a theology which 
 comes to them filtered through the Privy Council, 
 and which is as cold and gloomy as the cathedrals 
 in which it is preached. But the congregations who 
 are crying aloud for light and heat will go and look 
 for them elsewhere." 
 
 " You are a curious compound, Frank," said 
 Grandon ; " I never knew a man whose moods 
 changed so suddenly, or whose modes of thinking 
 were so spasmodic and extreme ; however, I sup- 
 pose you are intended to be of some use in the 
 world" — and he looked at me as a philosopher 
 might at a mosquito. 
 
 " By the way, we must leave by the early train 
 to-morrow if we want to get to town in time for the 
 opening of Parliament." 
 
 "I think I shall stay over to-morrow," I 
 
 answered. " Broadhem is going up, but the ladies 
 
 are going to stay two days longer, and the House 
 
 can open very well without me ; besides, Chun- 
 
 c 
 
34 PICCADILLY. 
 
 dango and the Bishop are goiug to stay over Sun- 
 day." 
 
 "That is an inducement, certainly," said Gran- 
 don. " Come, you must have some other reason ! " 
 
 " My dear old fellow," said I, putting my hand 
 on Graudon's shoulder, " my time is come at last. 
 Haven't you remarked what low spirits I have been 
 in since dinner ? I can't bear it for another twenty- 
 four hours ! You know my impulsive sensitive 
 nature. 1 must know my fate at once from hei 
 own lips." 
 
 " Whose own lips ? " said Grandon, with his eyes 
 very wide open. 
 
 " Lady Ursula's, of course ! " I replied. " I knew 
 her very well as a child, so there is nothing very 
 sudden about it, 
 
 " Well, considering you have never seen her since, 
 I don't quite agree with you," he said, in a deeper 
 tone than usual. " In your own interest, wait till 
 you know a little more of her." 
 
 " Not another day ! Good-night ! " and I turned 
 from him abruptly. 
 
 " I'll pu.t myself out of suspense to-morrow, and 
 keep the public in it for a month," thought I, as I 
 penned the above for their benefit, after which 1 
 indulged in two hours of troubled sleep. 
 
35 
 
 PART II. 
 
 MADNESS. 
 
 Flityville, March. 20. 
 
 As the event which I am about to recount forms 
 the turning-point of my life — unless, indeed, some- 
 thing still more remarkable happens, which I do 
 not at present foresee, to turn me back again — I do 
 not feel that it would be either becoming, or indeed 
 possible, for me to maintain that vein of easy 
 cheerfulness which has characterised my composi- 
 tion hitherto. What is fun to you, my reader ! 
 may be death to me ; and nothing can be further 
 from my intention than to excite the smallest 
 tendency to risibility on your part at my misfor- 
 tunes or trials. You will already have guessed 
 what these are ; but how to recur to those agonis- 
 ing details, how to present to you the picture of 
 my misery in its true colours, — nothing but the 
 stern determination to carry out my original design, 
 and the conscientious conviction that " the story 
 
36 PICCADILLY, 
 
 of my life from month to month " may be made a 
 profitable study to my fellow-men, could induce me 
 in this cold-blooded way to tear open the still un- 
 healed wound. 
 
 I came down to breakfast rather late on the 
 morning following the events narrated in the last 
 chapter. Broadhem and Grandon had already van- 
 ished from the scene ; so had Mr Wog, who went 
 up to town to see what he called " the elephant," 
 — an American expression, signifying " to gain 
 experience of the world." The phrase originated 
 in an occurrence at a menagerie, and as upon this 
 occasion Mr "Wog applied it to the opening of 
 Parliament, it was not altogether inappropriate. I 
 found still lingering over the debris of breakfast 
 my host and hostess. Lady Broadhem and her 
 daughters, the Bishop and Chundango. The latter 
 appeared to be having all the talk to himself, and, 
 to give him his due, his conversation was generally 
 entertaining. 
 
 " My dear mother," he was saying, " still uncon- 
 verted, has buried all my jewellery in the back 
 verandah. After I had cleared a million sterling, 
 I divided it into two parts ; with one part I bought 
 jewels, of which my mother is an excellent judge, 
 and the other 1 put out at interest. Not forget- 
 ting," with an upward glance, " a sum the interest 
 of v/hicli I do not look for here." 
 
MADNESS. 37 
 
 "Then, did you give all your jewels to your 
 mother ? " asked Lady Broadhem. 
 
 " Oh no ; she is only keeping them till I can 
 bestow them upon the woman I choose for her 
 daughter-in-law." 
 
 " Are you looking out for her now ? " I asked, 
 somewhat abruptly. 
 
 "Yes, my dear friend," said John; "I hope to 
 find in England some Christian young person as a 
 yoke-mate." 
 
 There was a self-satisfied roll of his eye as he 
 said this, which took away from me all further 
 desire for the bacon and eggs I had just put on my 
 plate. 
 
 "Dear Mr Chundango," said Lady Broadhem, "tell 
 us some of your adventures as a catechist in the 
 Bombay Ghauts. Did you give up all when you 
 became one? Was your family noble? and did 
 you undergo much persecution from them ? " 
 
 " The Ptajah of Sattara is my first cousin," said 
 Chundango, unblushingly ; " but they repudiated 
 me when I became a Christian, and deny the 
 relationship." 
 
 " Are you going up to Convocation V said Dickie- 
 field to the Bishop, to divert attention from Chun- 
 dango's last barefaced assertion. " I hear they are 
 going to take some further action about the judg- 
 ment on the ' Essays and Reviews.' " 
 
38 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " Yes," said Joseph ; " and I see there is a chance 
 of three new sees being created. I should like to 
 talk over the matter with you. Considering how 
 seriously my health has suffered in the tropics, and 
 how religiously I have adhered to my Liberal opin- 
 ions in politics even in the most trying climates, it 
 might be w^orth while " 
 
 " Excuse me for interrupting you, my dear lord," 
 said Dickiefield, " but the present Government are 
 not so particular about the political as the theolo- 
 gical views of their bishops. AVhen you remember 
 that the Prime Minister of this country is held 
 morally accountable for the orthodoxy of its religious 
 tenets, you must at once perceive how essential it 
 is, not only that he should be profoundly versed in 
 points of Scriptural doctrine himself, but that he 
 should never appoint a bishop of whose soundness 
 he is not from personal knowledge thoroughly satis- 
 fied." 
 
 "I have no objection to talk over the more dis- 
 puted points with him," said the Bishop. " When 
 do you think he could spare a moment ? " 
 
 "The best plan would be," replied Dickiefield, with 
 a twinkle in his eye, "to catch him in the lobby of 
 the House some evening when there is nothing par- 
 ticular going on. What books of reference would 
 you require ? " 
 
 The Bishop named one, when I interrupted him, 
 
MADNESS. 39 
 
 for I felt Dickiefield had not put the case fairly as 
 regarded the first Minister of the Crown. 
 
 " It is not the Premier's fault at all," said I ; " he 
 may be the most liberal theologian possible, but he 
 has nothing to do with doctrine ; that lies in the 
 Chancellor's department. As the supreme arbiter 
 in points of religious belief, and as the largest dis- 
 penser of spiritual patronage in the kingdom, it is 
 evident that the qualifications for a Lord Chancellor 
 should be not so much his knowledge of law, as his 
 unblemished moral character and incapacity for per- 
 petrating jobs. He is, in fact, the principal veterinary 
 surgeon of the ecclesiastical stable, and any man in 
 orders that he 'warrants sound' cannot be objected 
 to on the score of orthodoxy. The Prime Minister 
 is just in the same position as the head of any other 
 department, — whoever passes the competitive ex- 
 amination he is bound to accept, but may use his 
 own discretion as to promotion, and, of course, 
 sticks to the traditions of the service. The fact is, 
 if you go into the Colonial Episcopal line you get 
 over the heads of a lot of men who are steadily 
 plodding on for home promotion, and, of course 
 they don't think it fair for an outsider to come 
 back again, and cut them out of a palace and the 
 patronage attached to it on the strength of having 
 been a missionary bishop. It is just the same in 
 the Foreign Office, — if you go out of Europe you 
 
40 PICCADILLY. 
 
 get out of the regular line. -However, we shall have 
 the judgment on the Colenso case before long, and, 
 from tlie little I know of the question, it is possible 
 you may find that you are not legally a bishop at 
 all. In that case you will have what is far better 
 than any interest — a grievance. You can say 
 that you were tempted to give up a good living 
 to go to the heathen on false pretences, and 
 they'll have to make it up to you. You could not 
 do better than apply for one of the appointments 
 attached to some cathedrals, called 'Peculiars.' I 
 believe that they are very comfortable and indepen- 
 dent. If you will allow me 1 will write to my soli- 
 citor about one. Lawyers are the men to manage 
 these matters, as they are all in with each other, 
 and every bishox) has one attached to him." 
 
 "Thank you, my lord — my observation was ad- 
 dressed to Lord Dickiefield," said the Bishop, veiy 
 stillly ; for there was an absence of that deference 
 in my tone to which those who love the uppermost 
 scats in the synagogues are accustomed, but which 1 
 reserve for some poor labourers who will never be 
 heard of in this world. 
 
 "Talking of committees," I went on, "how con- 
 fused the Lord Chancellor must be between them 
 all. He must be very apt to forget when he is ' sit- 
 ting ' and when he is being ' sat upon.' If he had 
 not the clearest possible head, he would be proving 
 
MADNESS. 41 
 
 to the world that Mr E was competent to leach 
 
 the Zulus theology in spite of the Bishop of Cape 
 Town, and that he was justified in giving Dr Colenso 
 a large retiring pension. What with having to quote 
 texts in one committee-room, and arithmetic in an- 
 other, and having to explain the law of God, the law 
 of the land, and his own conduct alternately, it is a 
 miracle that he does not get a softening of the hrain. 
 Depend upon it," said I, turning to the Bishop, who 
 looked flushed and angry, " that a ' Peculiar ' is a 
 much snugger place than the Woolsack." 
 
 " Lord Frank, permit me to say," broke in Lady 
 Broadhem, who had several times vainly endea- 
 voured to interrupt me, " that your manner of treat- 
 ing sacred subjects is most disrespectful and irrever- 
 ent, and that your allusions to an ecclesiastical stable, 
 ' outsiders,' and other racing slang, is in the worst 
 possible taste, considering the presenceof the Bishop." 
 
 " Lady Broadhem," said I, sternly, " when the 
 money-changers were scourged out of the Temple 
 there was no want of reverence displayed towards 
 the service to which it was dedicated ; and it seems 
 to me, that to sell 'the TemiDle ' itself, whether under 
 , the name of an ' advowson,' a ' living,' or a 'cure of 
 souls,' is the very climax of irreverence, not to use 
 a stronger term ; and when the Lord Chancellor 
 brings in an Act for the purpose of facilitating this 
 traffic in ' souls,' and ' augmenting the benefices ' 
 
42 PICCADILLY. 
 
 derived from curing them, I think it is high time, 
 at the risk of giving offence to my friend tlie Bishop, 
 and to the ecclesiastical establishment generally, to 
 speak out. What times have we fallen upon that 
 the priesthood itself, once an inspiration, has become 
 a trade?"* 
 
 Lady Broadhem seemed a little cowed by my vehe- 
 mence, which some might have thought amounted 
 to rudeness, but would not abandon the field. " The 
 result," she said, " of impoverishing the Church will 
 be, that you will only get literates to go into it ; as 
 it is, compared with other professions, it holds out 
 no inducement for young men of family. Fortun- 
 ately our own living, being worth £1200 a-year, 
 always secures us a member of the family, and 
 therefore a gentleman ; but if you did away with 
 them you would not have holier men, but simply 
 worse-bred ones. I am sure we should not gain by 
 having the Church filled with clergy of the class of 
 Dissenting preachers." 
 
 "I don't think you would, any more than the 
 Pharisees would have gained by being reduced to 
 the level of the Sadducees ; not that I would wish 
 to use either term offensively towards the conscien- 
 tious individuals who were, doubtless, comprised in 
 
 * "Let the Church," sa}'s the 'Times,' in a recent leading 
 article, " increase the number of her good things, and her ranks 
 ^1 be largely and worthily filled up." 
 
MADNESS. 43 
 
 the above sects in old time, still less as a reproach 
 to the excellent men who fill the churches and 
 chapels of this country now; but it has possibly 
 not occurred to them that the Churchianity of the 
 present day bears as little resemblance to the Chris- 
 tianity of eighteen hundred years ago, as the latter 
 did to the worship it came to supersede ;" and I felt 
 1 had sown seed in the ecclesiastical vineyard, and 
 would leave it to fructify. " Good fellow, Frank !" 
 I overheard Dickiefield say, as I left the room ; " it 
 is a pity his head is a little turned ! " " Ah," I 
 thought, " something is upside down ; perhaps it is 
 my head, but I rather think it is the world generally, 
 including always the religious world. It seemed to 
 have taken a start in the right direction nearly two 
 thousand years ago, and now it has all slipped back 
 again worse than ever, and is whirling the wrong 
 way with a rapidity that makes one giddy. I feel 
 more giddy than usual to-day, somehow," I solilo- 
 quised ; " and every time I look at Lady Ursula, I 
 feel exactly as if I had smoked too much. It can't 
 be really that, so I'U light a cigar and steady my 
 nerves before I come to the tremendous issue. She 
 is too sensible to mind my smelling of tobacco." 
 These were the thoughts that passed through my 
 somewhat bewildered brain, as I stepped out upon 
 the terrace and lit my cigar. So far from my nerves 
 becoming steadier, however, under the usually sooth- 
 
44 PICCADILLY. 
 
 ing influence, I felt my heart beating more rapidly 
 each time I endeavoured to frame the sentence upon 
 which was to depend the happiness of my life, until 
 at last my resolution gave way altogether, and I de- 
 termined to put upon paper, in the form of an inter- 
 rogatory, the momentous question. A glass door 
 opened from a recess in the drawing-room upon the 
 terrace on which I was walking, and in it, on my 
 former visits, I had been in the daily habit of writ- 
 ing my letters. It was a snug retreat, with a fire 
 all to itself, a charming view, and a 'portiere which 
 separated it or not from the drawing-room, accord- 
 ing to the wish of the occupant. The first ques- 
 tion I had to consider when I put the writing 
 materials before me was, whether I ought to begin, 
 " Dear Lady Ursula," or, " My dear Lady Ursula." 
 I should not have entertained the idea of beginning 
 " My dear," did I not feel that having known her as 
 a child entitled me to assume a certain intimacy. 
 However, on further consideration, I adopted the 
 more distant form, and then my real difficulty began. 
 While looking for an inspiration at the further end 
 of the avenue which stretched from the lawn, I be- 
 came conscious of a figure moving slowly towards 
 me, which T finally perceived to be that of Lady 
 Broadhem herself. In my then frame of mind, any 
 escape from my dilemma was a relief, and I in- 
 stinctively left the still unwritten note and joined hur. 
 
MADNESS. 45 
 
 "TJiis is a courageous proceeding, Lady Broad- 
 hem ; the weather is scarcely mild enough for 
 strolling." 
 
 " I determined to make sure of some exercise," 
 she replied, — " the clouds look threatening ; besides, 
 I have a good deal on my mind, and I can always 
 think better when I am walking alone" 
 
 She put a marked emphasis on the last word, I 
 can't imagine why, so I said, "That is just my case. 
 If you only knew the torture I am enduring, you 
 would not wonder at my wanting to be alone. As 
 for exercise, it would not be of the slightest use." 
 
 " Dear me," said Lady Broadhem, pulling a 
 little box like a card-case out of her pocket, " tell 
 me your exact symptoms, and I'll give you some 
 globules." 
 
 " It is not altogether beyond the power of 
 homceopathy," I said, with a sigh. " Hahnemann 
 was quite right when he adopted as the motto for 
 his system, ' Like cures like.' It applies to my 
 complaint exactly. Love will cure love, but not in 
 homoeopathic doses." 
 
 "How very odd ! I was thinking the very same 
 thing when you joined me. My dear girls are of 
 course ever uppermost in my mind, and I really 
 am troubled about Ursula. I think," she said, 
 looking with a sidelong glance into my face, " I 
 know who is on the point of declaring himself," and 
 
46 PICCADILLY. 
 
 she stopped suddenly, as though she had spoken 
 under some irresistible impulse. 
 
 I don't remember having blushed since I first 
 went to school, but if Lady Broadhem could have 
 seen the colour of my skin under my thick beard, 
 she would have perceived how just her penetration 
 had been. Still I was a good deal puzzled at the 
 quickness with which she had made a discovery I 
 imagined unknown, even to the object of my affec- 
 tions, to say nothing of the coarseness of her allud- 
 ing to it to me in that direct manner. What had I 
 said or done that could have put her on the scent 1 
 I pondered in vain over the mystery. My conduct 
 had been most circumspect during the few hours I 
 had been in love; nothing but the sagacity with 
 which the maternal instinct is endowed could 
 account for it. 
 
 " Do you think Lady Ursula returns the aflfec- 
 tion ? " said I, timidly. 
 
 " Ursula is a dear, well-principled girl, who will 
 make any man who is fortunate enough to win her 
 happy. I am sure she will be guided by my wishes 
 in the matter. And now. Lord Frank, I think we 
 have discussed this subject sufficiently. I have 
 said more, perhaps, than I ought ; but we are such 
 old friends that, although I entirely disagree with 
 your religious opinions, it has been a relief to me 
 even to say thus much. I trust my anxieties will 
 
MADNESS. 47 
 
 soon be at an end ; " with which most encouraging 
 speech Lady Broadhem turned towards the house, 
 leaving me overcome with rapture and astonish- 
 ment, sHghtly tinged with disgust at finding that 
 the girl I loved was thrown at my head. 
 
 I did not delay, when I got back to my recess in 
 the drawing-room, to tear up with a triumphant 
 gesture my note beginning " Dear," and to com- 
 mence another, " My dear Lady Ursula." 
 
 " The conversation which I have just had with 
 Lady Broadhem," I went on, " encourages me to 
 lose no time in writing to you to explain the 
 nature of those feelings which she seems to have 
 detected almost as soon as they were called into 
 existence, and which gather strength with such 
 rapidity that a sentiment akin to self-preservation 
 urges me not to lose another moment in placing 
 myself and my fortune at your disposal. If I 
 allude to the latter, it is not because I think such 
 a consideration would influence you in the smallest 
 degree, but because you may not suspect, from my 
 economical habits, the extent of my private re- 
 sources. I am well aware that my impulsive nature 
 has led me into an apparent precipitancy in writing 
 thus ; but if I cannot flatter myself that the short 
 time I have passed in your society has sufficed to 
 inspire you with a reciprocal sentiment, Lady 
 Broadhem's assurance that I may depend upon 
 
48 PICCADILLY. 
 
 your acceding to her wishes in this the most im- 
 portant act of your life, affords me the strongest 
 encouragement. — Believe me, yours most faithfully, 
 "Peank Vanecourt." 
 
 I have already observed that, when my mind is 
 very deeply absorbed in composition, I become 
 almost insensible to external influences : thus it 
 was not until I had finished my letter, and was 
 reading it over, that I became conscious of sounds 
 in the drawing-room. I was just thinking that I 
 had got the word " sentiment " twice, and was won- 
 dering what I could substitute for that expressive 
 term, when I suppose I must have overheard, for I 
 insensibly found myself signing my name " Jewel." 
 Then came the unmistakable sound of Chundango's 
 voice mentioning the name dearest to me. "Ee- 
 member. Lady Ursula," said that regenerate pagan, 
 " there are very few men who could offer their 
 brides such a collection of jewels as I can. Think, 
 that although of a different complexion from your- 
 self, I am of royal blood. You are surely too en- 
 lightened and noble-minded to allow the trivial 
 consideration of colour to influence you." 
 
 " Mr Chundango," said Lady Ursula, and I heard 
 the rustle of her dress as she rose from her chair, 
 " you really must excuse me from listening to you 
 any more." 
 
MADNESS. 49 
 
 " Stop one moment," said Chundango ; and I 
 suspect he tried to get hold of her hand, for I 
 heard a short quick movement ; " I have not made 
 this proposal without receiving first the sanction 
 of Lady Broadhem." " Deceitful old hypocrite,'' 
 thought I, with suppressed fury. " When I told 
 her ladyship that I would settle a million's worth of 
 pounds upon you in jewellery and stock, that my 
 blood was royal, and that all my aspirations were 
 for social distinction, she said she desired no higher 
 qualification. ' What, dear Mr Chundango,' she 
 remarked, ' matters the colour of your skin if your 
 blood is pure ? If your jewellery and your conver- 
 sion are both genuine, what more could an anxious 
 mother desire for her beloved daughter ? ' " 
 
 " Spare me, I implore you," said Ursula, in a 
 voice betraying great agitation. " You don't know 
 the pain you are giving me." 
 
 Whether Chundango at this moment fell on his 
 knees, which I don't think likely, as natives never 
 thus far humble themselves before the sex, or 
 whether he stumbled over a footstool in trying to 
 prevent her leaving the room — which is more pro- 
 bable — I could not discover. I merely heard a 
 heavy sound and then the door open. I think the 
 Indian must have hurt himself, as the next time I 
 heard his voice it was trembling with passion. 
 
 "Lady Broadhem," he said — for it appears she 
 
so PICCADILLY. 
 
 it was who had entered the room — " I do not 
 understand Lady Ursula's conduct. I thought 
 obedience to parents was one of the first precepts 
 of the Christian religion ; but when I tell her your 
 wishes on the subject of our marriage, she forbids 
 me to speak. I will now leave her in your hands, 
 and I hope I shall receive her from them in the 
 evening in another and a better frame of mind ; " 
 and Chundango marched solemnly out and banged 
 the door after him. 
 
 " What have you done, Ursula ? " said Lady 
 Broadhem, in a cold, hard voice. " I suppose some 
 absurd prejudice about his colour has influenced 
 you in refusing a fortune that few girls have placed 
 at their feet. He is a man of remarkable ability ; in 
 some lights there is a decided richness in his hue ; 
 and Lord Dickiefield tells me he fully expects to 
 see him some day Under-Secretary for India, and 
 ultimately perhaps in the Cabinet. Moreover, he 
 is very lavish, and would take a pride in giving you 
 all you could possibly want, and in meeting all 
 our wishes. He would be most useful to Broadhem, 
 whose property, you know, was dreadfully involved 
 by his father in his young days — in fact, he pro- 
 mised me to pay off £300,000 of the debt upon his 
 personal security, and not ask for any interest for 
 the first few years. All this you are throwing away 
 for some girlish fancy for some one else." 
 
MADNESS. 5 ' 
 
 Here my heart bounded. " Dear girl/' thought 
 [, " she loves me, and I'll rush in and tell her that 
 1 return her passion. Moreover, I will overwhelm 
 that old woman with confusion for having so 
 grossly deceived me." A scarcely audible sob 
 from Lady Ursula decided me, and to the as- 
 tonishment of mother and daughter I suddenly 
 revealed myself. Lady Ursula gave a start and 
 a little exclamation, and before I could explain 
 myself, had hurried from the room. Lady Broad- 
 hem confronted me, stern, defiant, and indignant. 
 
 " Is it righteous, — Lady Broadhem- — " I began, 
 but she interrupted me. 
 
 " ]My indignation ? Yes, Lord Frank, it is." 
 
 " No, Lady Broadhem; I did not allude to your 
 indignation, which is unjustifiable. I was about to 
 express my feelings in language which I thought 
 might influence you with reference to the deception 
 you have practised upon me. You gave me to 
 understand only half an hour ago that you ap- 
 proved of my attachment to your daughter ; you 
 implied that that attachment was returned — 
 indeed, I have just overheard as much from her 
 own lips; and now you deliberately urge her to 
 ally herself with — the thought is too horrible ! " 
 and I lifted my handkerchief to my eyes to conceal 
 my unaffected emotion. 
 
 " Lord Frank," said Lady Broadhem, calmlyj 
 
52 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " you had no business to overhear anything ; 
 however, I suppose the state of your feelings 
 must be your excuse. It seems that we entirely 
 misunderstood each other this morning. The at- 
 tachment I then alluded to was the one you have 
 ' just heard Mr Chundango declare. I did so, be- 
 cause I thought of asking you to find out some 
 particulars about him which I am anxious to know. 
 I was utterly ignorant of your having entertained 
 the same feelings for Ursula. What settlements are 
 you prepared to make ? " 
 
 This question was put so abruptly that a mixed 
 feeling of indignation and contempt completely 
 mastered me. At these moments I possess the 
 faculty of sublime impertinence. 
 
 " I shall make Broadhem a liberal allowance, 
 and settle an annuity upon yourself, which my 
 solicitor will pay you quarterly. I know the 
 family is poor ; it will give me great pleasure to 
 keep you all." 
 
 Lady Broadhem's lips quivered with anger ; but 
 ] the Duke of Dunderhead's second son, who liad 
 inherited all the Mityville property through his 
 mother, was a fish worth landing, so she controlled 
 her feelings with an effort of self-possession which 
 commanded my highest admiration, and said in a 
 gentle tone as she held out her hand with a sub- 
 dued smile, — 
 
MADNESS. 53 
 
 " Forgive the natural anxiety of a mother, Lord 
 Frank, as I forgive you for that last speech." Here 
 she lifted her eyes and remained silent for a few 
 moments, then she sighed deeply. She meant me 
 to understand by this that she had been per- 
 mitted to overcome her feelings of resentment 
 towards me, and was now overflowing with Chris- 
 tian charity. 
 
 " Dear Lady Broadhem," I replied, affectionately, 
 for I felt preternaturally intelligent, and ready for 
 the most elaborate maternal strategy, " how thank- 
 ful we ought to be that on an occasion of this 
 kind we can both so thoroughly command our 
 feelings ! Believe me, your anxiety for your 
 daughter's welfare is only equalled by the fervour 
 of my affection for her. Shall we say £100,000 in 
 stock, and Flityville Park as a dower-house ? " 
 
 "What stock. Lord Frank?" asked her lady- 
 ship, as she subsided languidly into a chair; "not 
 Mexicans or Spanish passives, I do most fervently 
 trust." 
 
 "No," said I, maliciously ; "nearly all in Con- 
 federate and Greek loans." 
 
 " Oh !" she ejaculated, with a little scream, as if 
 something had stung her. 
 
 "What is the matter, Lady Broadhem?" and 
 she looked so unhappy and disconcerted that I had 
 compassion on her. " T was only joking ; you need 
 
54 PICCADILLY. 
 
 be under no apprehension as to the securities — 
 they are as sound as your own theology, and ^YOuld 
 satisfy the Lord Chancellor quite as well." 
 
 " Oh, it was not that ! Perhaps some day when 
 you and dear Ursula are married, I will tell you all 
 about it ; for you have my full consent ; and I 
 need not say what an escape I think she has had 
 from that black man. Entre nous, as it is most 
 important you should understand exactly the 
 situation, I must correct one error into which you 
 have fallen; she is not in love with you, Lord 
 Frank; you must expect a little opposition at 
 first; but that will only add zest to the pursuit, 
 and my wishes will be paramount in the end. 
 The fact is, but this is a profound secret, your 
 friend Lord Grandon has behaved most improperly 
 in the matter. He came down on some pretence of 
 instilling his ridiculous notions into Broadhem, 
 who took a fancy to him when we were all staying 
 at Lady Mundane's, and I strongly opposed it, as I 
 fancied, even then, he was paying Ursula too much 
 attention ; but she has such influence with Broad- 
 hem that she carried her point, because, she said, 
 her brother could only get good from him. What 
 exactly passed at Broadhem I don't know; but I 
 was so angry at the idea of an almost penniless 
 Irish peer taking advantage of his opportunities as 
 a visitor to entrap my girl's affections, that T told 
 
MADNESS. 55 
 
 him I expected some people, and should want his 
 bedroom. lie left within an hour, and Ursula 
 declares he never uttered a word which warranted 
 this decisive measure ; but people can do a good 
 deal without ' uttering,' as she calls it ; and I am 
 quite determined not to let them see anything of 
 each other during the season. Fortunately Lord 
 Grandon scarcely ever goes out, and Broadhem, 
 whose eyes are opened at last, has pramised to 
 watch him. Whoever Ursula marries must do 
 something for Broadhem." 
 
 Although I am able to record this speech word 
 for word, I am quite unable to account for the 
 curious psychological fact, that it has become en- 
 graven on my memory, while, at the time, I was 
 unconscious of listening to it. The pattern of the 
 carpet, a particular curl of Lady Broadhem's 
 " front," the fact that the clock struck one, are 
 all stamped upon the plate of my internal per- 
 ceptive faculties with the vividness of a photo- 
 graph. The vision of happiness which I had 
 conjured up was changing into a hideous contrast, 
 and reminded me of the Diorama at the Colosseum 
 in my youth, where a fairy landscape, with a 
 pastoral group at lunch in the foreground, became 
 gradually converted into a pandemonium of flames 
 and devils. 
 
 I felt borne along by a mighty torrent which 
 
56 PICCADILLY. 
 
 was sweeping me from elysian fields into some 
 fathomless abyss. Love and friendship both 
 coming down together in one mighty crash, and 
 the only thing left standing — Lady Broadhem — 
 right in front of me— a very stern reality indeed. 
 I don't the least know the length of time which 
 elapsed between the end of her speech and when I 
 returned to consciousness — probably not many 
 seconds, though it seemed an age. I gasped for 
 breath, so she kindly came to my relief. 
 
 "My dear Lord Frank," she said, "after all it 
 might have been worse. Supposing that Lord 
 Grandon had not been your friend, or had not had 
 the absurd Quixotic ideas which I understand he 
 has of the duties of friendship, he might have given 
 you immense trouble ; as it is, I am sure he has 
 only to know the exact state of the case to retire. 
 I know him quite Avell enough for that. I look 
 upon it as providential. Had it been Mr Chun- 
 dango, Grandon would most probably have perse- 
 vered. Now he is quite capable of doing all he can 
 to help you with Ursula." 
 
 I groaned in spirit. How well had Lady Broad- 
 hem judged the character of the man to Avhom she 
 would not give her daughter ! 
 
 " I am so glad to think. Lady Broadhem," said I, 
 with a bitter laugh, "that you do not suspect me of 
 such a ridiculous exaggeration of sentiment. So fur 
 
MADNESS. 57 
 
 from it, it seems to impart a peculiar piquancy to 
 the pursuit when success is only possible at the 
 sacrifice of another's happiness ; and when that 
 other is one's oldest friend, there is a refinement 
 of emotion, a sort of pleasurable pain, which is 
 quite irresistible. To what element in our nature 
 do you attribute this ? " 
 
 " To original sin, I am afraid," said Lady Broad- 
 hem, looking down, for my manner seemed to puzzle, 
 and make her nervous. 
 
 " Oh, it is not at all ' original,' " said I. " What- 
 ever other merit it possesses, it can't claim original- 
 ity — it is the commonest thing in the world ; but I 
 think it is an acquired taste at first — it grows upon 
 you like caviar or olives. I remember some years 
 ago, in Australia, running away with the wife of a 
 charming fellow " 
 
 " Oh, Lord Frank, Lord Frank, please stop ! Have 
 you repented ? and where is she ? " 
 
 " No," I said, " I never intend to repent ; and I'll 
 tell you where she is after the marriage." 
 
 At this crisis the demon of recklessness which 
 had sustained me, and prompted the above atrocious 
 falsehood, deserted me suddenly, so I leant against 
 the mantelpiece and sobbed aloud. I remember 
 deriving a malicious satisfaction from the idea that 
 Lady Broadhem thought I was weeping for my ima- 
 ginary Australian. 
 
58 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " Plow very dreadful ! " said she, when I became 
 somewhat calmer. " We must forget the past, aud 
 try and reform ourselves, mustn't we ? " she went 
 on, caressingly ; " but I had no idea that you had 
 passed through a jeunesse orageuse. Do you know, 
 I think men, when they do steady, are always the 
 better for it." 
 
 " Well, I hope Lady Ursula may keep me quiet ; 
 nothing else ever has yet. I suppose you won't 
 expect me to go to church?" 
 
 "We'll talk about that after the marriage, to 
 use your own expression," replied Lady Broadhem, 
 with a smile. 
 
 " Because, you know, I am worse than Grandon 
 as regards orthodoxy. Now, Chundango is so thor- 
 oughly sound, don't you think, after all, that that is 
 the first consideration ? " 
 
 "To tell you the truth — but of course I never 
 breathed it to Ursula — I attach a good deal of 
 importance to colour." 
 
 "Ah, I see; you classify us somewhat in this 
 way : first, if you can get it, rich, orthodox, and 
 white ; second, rich, heterdox, and white ; third, 
 rich, orthodox, and black. Now, in my opinion, to 
 attach any importance whatever to colour is wicked. 
 ]\Iy objections to Mr Chundango do not apply to 
 his skin, which is as good as any other, but to his 
 heart, which I am afraid is black. T prefer a pure 
 
MADNESS. 59 
 
 heart in a dark skin to a black heart in a white 
 one," and I looked significantly at her ladyship. 
 "Supposing that out of friendship for Grandon I 
 should do the absurd thing of withdrawing my pre- 
 tensions, what would happen ? " 
 
 "I should insist upon Ursula's marrying Mr 
 Chundango. I tell you in confidence, Lord Frank, 
 that pecuniary reasons, which I will explain more 
 fully at another time, render it absolutely necessary 
 that she should marry a man with means within 
 the next six months. The credit of our whole family 
 is at stake; but it is impossible for me to enter 
 into details now." At this moment the luncheon 
 was announced. I followed Lady Broadhem me- 
 chanically towards the dining-room, but instead of 
 entering it went up-stairs like one in a dream, and 
 ordered my servant to make arrangements for my 
 immediate departure. I pulled an arm-chair near 
 my bedroom fire, and gazed hopelessly into it. 
 
 People call me odd. I wonder really whether the 
 conflicts of which my brain is the occasional arena 
 are fiercer than those of others. I wonder whether 
 other people's thoughts are as like clouds as mine 
 are — sometimes, when it is stormy, grouping them- 
 selves in wild fantastic forms ; sometimes chasing 
 each other through vacancy, for no apparent pur- 
 pose ; sometimes melting away in "intense inane ;" 
 and again consolidating themselves, black and lower- 
 
6o nCCADILLY. 
 
 ing, till they burst in a passionate explosion. What 
 are they doing now ? and I tried in vain to stop the 
 mental kaleidoscope which shifted itself so rapidly 
 that I could not catch one combination of thought 
 before it was succeeded by another ; but always the 
 same prominent figures dodging madly about the 
 chambers of my brain — Chundango, Ursula, Lady 
 Broadhem, and Grandon ; Lady Broadhem, Chun- 
 dango, Grandon, and Ursula — backwards and for- 
 wards, forwards and backwards, like some liorrid 
 word that I had to spell in a game of letters, and 
 could never bring right. Love, friendship, hate, 
 pity, admiration, treachery — more words to spell, 
 ever combining wrongly, and never letting me rest, 
 till I thought something must crack under the 
 strain. Then mockingly came a voice ringing in 
 my ears — Peace, peace, peace — and I fancied myself 
 lulled to rest in her arms, and I heard the cooing of 
 doves mingle with the soft murmur of her voice as 
 she leant wistfully over me, and I revelled in that 
 most fatal of all nightmares — the nightmare of those 
 who, perishing of hunger and thirst, die of imaginary 
 banquets. " Sweet illusion," I said, " dear to me as 
 reality, brood over my troubled spirit, deaden its 
 pain, heal its wounds, and weave around my being 
 this delicious spell for ever." Then suddenly, as 
 though my brain had been a magazine into which a 
 spark had fallen, it blazed up ; my hair bristled, and 
 
MADNESS. 6 1 
 
 drops stood upon my foreliead, for a great fear had 
 fallen upon nie. It had invaded nie with the force 
 of an overwhelming torrent, carrying all before it. 
 It said, " Whence is the calm that soothes yon ? 
 Infatuated dreamer, think you it is the subsiding 
 of the storm, and not rather the lull that precedes 
 it ? Beware of the sleep of the frozen, from which 
 there is no waking." What was this ? was my mind 
 regaining its balance, or was it going to lose it for 
 ever ? Most horrid doubt ! the very thought was so 
 much in the scale on the wrong side. Oh for some- 
 thing to lean upon — some strong stay of common- 
 sense to support me ! I yearned for the practical 
 — some fact on which to build. " I have got it," I 
 exclaimed suddenly. " There must be some osseous 
 matter behind my dura mater ! " I shall never for- 
 get the consolation which this notion gave me : it 
 relieved me from any further psychological respon- 
 sibility, so to speak ; I gave up mental analysis. I 
 attributed the keen susceptibility of my sesthetic 
 nature to this cause, and accepted it as I would the 
 gout, without a murmur. Still I needed repose and 
 solitude, so I determined to go to Flityville and 
 arrange my ideas, no longer alarmed at the confu- 
 sion in which they were, but with the steadfast 
 purpose of disentangling them quietly, as I would 
 an interesting knot. Hitherto I had been tearing 
 at it madly and making it worse ; now I had got 
 
62 PICCADILLY. 
 
 the end of the skein — " osseous matter" — and woiild 
 soon unravel it. So I descended calmly to the 
 drawing-room. 
 
 I found it empty, but it occurred to me I had 
 left my letter to Lady Ursula in the recess, and in 
 the agitation attending my interview with Lady 
 Broadhem, had forgotten to go back for it. I 
 pushed back the portiere, and saw seated at the 
 writing-table Lady Ursula herself. She looked 
 pale and nervous, M'hile I felt overwhelmed with 
 confusion and embarrassment. This was the more 
 trying, as many years have elapsed since I have 
 experienced any such sensations. 
 
 " Oh, you don't happen to have seen a letter lying 
 about anywhere, do you, Lady Ursula ? " said I. 
 " It ought to be under your hand, for I left it ex- 
 actly on that spot." 
 
 " No," she said ; " I found mamma writing here 
 when I came, and she took a packet of letters away 
 with her ; perhaps she put yours among them by 
 mistake. She will be back from her drive almost 
 immediately." 
 
 " I hope so," said I. " I should be sorry to leave 
 without seeing her." 
 
 " To leave. Lord Frank ! I thought you were 
 going to stay till Monday." She looked up rather 
 appealingly, I thouglit, as if my presence would 
 have been a satisfaction to her under the circum- 
 
MADNESS. 63 
 
 stances ; and I saw, as I returned her steady earnest 
 gaze, that she little guessed the purport of the 
 missing letter. 
 
 At that moment my head began to swim, and 
 the figures to dance about in my brain again. 
 Chundango and Grandou seemed locked in a death- 
 struggle, and Ursula, with dishevelled hair, trying 
 to separate them, while Lady Broadhem, in the 
 background, was clapping her hands and urging 
 them on. I seemed spinning round the group with 
 such rapidity that I was obliged to steady myself 
 with one hand against the back of Lady Ursula's 
 chair. 
 
 "What's the matter? what's the matter, Lord 
 Frank?" she exclaimed. 
 
 "Osseous matter, osseous matter," I murmured 
 mechanically, and it sounded so like an echo of 
 her words that I am sure she thought me going 
 mad. Should I throw myself at her feet and tell 
 her all ? If she would only trample upon me and 
 my feelings together, it would be a luxury com- 
 pared to the agony of self-control I was inflicting 
 upon myself. If I could only pour myself out in 
 a torrent of passionate expression, and wind up 
 with a paroxysm of tears, she was welcome to treat 
 me as a raving lunatic, but I should be much less 
 likely to become one. But how, knowing what I 
 did, could I face Grandon afterwards ? Before 
 
64 PICCADILLY. 
 
 that fatal conversation with Lady Broadhera, I 
 should have had the satisfaction of hearing my 
 fate from Lady Ursula herself, and I know that she 
 would have treated me so tenderly that rejection 
 would have been a thousand times preferable to 
 this. She would have known then the intensity 
 of my affection, she would have heard from my 
 own lips the burning words with which I would 
 have pleaded my cause, and, whatever might have 
 been the result, would have pitied and felt for me. 
 Now, if I say nothing, and Lady Broadhem tells 
 her when I am gone that she considers us engaged, 
 what will Ursula think of me ? Again, if Lady 
 Broadhem thinks I am really going to do what my 
 conscience urges, and sacrifice myself for Grandon, 
 then, poor girl, she will be sacrificed to Chundango. 
 Nothing but misery will come out of that double 
 event : if I do what is right, it will bring misery ; 
 if I do what is wrong, it will bring misery too, 
 — that is one consolation — it makes the straight 
 and narrow path easier. The only difficulty is, I 
 can't find it — and standing here with my hand on 
 her chair, my head swimming, and Lady Ursula 
 looking anxiously up at me, I am not likely to 
 find it. 
 
 " Lord Frank, do let me ring the bell and send 
 for a glass of water," she said at last. 
 
 " Thanks, no ; the fact is, that letter I have lost 
 
MADNESS. 65 
 
 causes me the greatest anxiety, and when I thought 
 what the consequences might be of its going astray 
 1 felt a little faint for a moment." 
 
 " Dear me," said Lady Ursula, kindly, "1 will make 
 mamma look for it at once, and I am sure if it is a 
 matter in which my sympathy could be of any use, 
 you will appreciate my motive in offering it ; but I 
 do think in this world people might be of so much 
 more use to each other than they are, if they would 
 only trust one another, and believe in the sincerity 
 of friendship. Although you did try to shock me 
 last night," she said, with a smile, " I have heard so 
 much of you from Lord Grandon, and know how 
 kind and good you are, although he says you are 
 too enthusiastic and too fond of paradoxes, but I 
 assure you I consider you quite an old friend. You 
 remember, years ago, when I was a little girl, how 
 you used to gallop about with me on my pony in 
 the park at Broadhem? You won't think me in- 
 quisitive, I am sure, in saying this, but there are 
 moments sometimes when it is a relief to find a 
 listener to the history of one's troubles." 
 
 " But when, by a curious fatality, that listener is 
 the cause of them all, these moments are not likely 
 to arrive," I thought, but did not say. Is it not 
 enough to love a woman to distraction, and be 
 obliged by every princix^le of honour to conceal 
 it from her, without her pressing upon you her 
 E 
 
66 FICCADILLY. 
 
 sympathy, and inviting your confidence ? and the 
 very tenderness which had prompted her speech 
 rose up against her in judgment in my mind. So 
 ready with her friendship, too ! Should I tell her 
 bitterly that she was the only being in the whole 
 world whose friendship could aggravate my misery ? 
 Should I congratulate her upon the ingenuity she 
 had displayed in thus torturing me? or should I 
 revenge myself by giving her the confidence she 
 asked, and requesting her to advise me how to act 
 under the circumstances? Then I looked at the 
 gentle earnest face, and my heart melted. My 
 troubles ! Do I not know too well what hers are ? 
 Perhaps it would be a relief to her to hear, that if 
 worse comes to worst, she can always escape Chun- 
 dango by falling back upon me. If she is driven 
 to begging me to offer myself up on her shrine, 
 what a very willing sacrifice she would find me ! 
 As she knows that I must have overheard what 
 passed between her and Chundaugo this morning, 
 shall I make a counter-proposition of mutual con- 
 fidence, and allude delicately to that most painful 
 episode ! If she is generous enough to forget her 
 own troubles and think of me, why should not T 
 forget mine and think of her? The idea of this 
 contradiction in terms struck me as so exquisitely 
 ludicrous, that I laughed aloud. 
 
 ' Ha ! ha ! lia ! Lady Ursula, if you only knev 
 
MADNESS. C; 
 
 what a comic aspect that last kind speech of yours 
 has given to the whole affair. Don't think me un- 
 grateful or rude, hut — ha ! ha ! ha ! " Here I went 
 off again. " When once my sense of humour is 
 really touched, I always seem to see the point of a 
 joke to quite a painful degree. Upon two occa- 
 sions I have suffered from fits after punning, and 
 riddles always make me hysterical ; but I assure 
 you, you unconsciously made a joke just now when 
 you asked me to tell you exactly what I felt, which 
 I shall remember as long as I live, for it will cer- 
 tainly be the death of me — ha ! ha ! ha ! " But 
 Lady Ursula had risen from her chair and rung the 
 bell before I had finished my speech, and I was still 
 laughing when the servant came into the room, fol- 
 lowed by Lady Broadhem and Lady Bridget. 
 
 " Dear me," said Lady Broadhem, with her most 
 winning smile, " how very merry you are ! — at least 
 Lord Frank is. You seem a little pale, dear," turn- 
 ing to Ursula ; " what is the matter ? " 
 
 "Oh, nothing, mamma. Lord Frank has been 
 looking for a letter in the recess. You don't happen 
 to have put it up with yours, do you ? " 
 
 " No, my dear, I think not," said Lady Broadhem, 
 looking through a bundle. " Who was it to, Lord 
 Frank, if you will pardon my curiosity ? I shall 
 find it more easily if you will give me the address." 
 
 " Nobody in particular," said I, " so it does not 
 
68 PICCADILLY. 
 
 matter; you can keep it and read it. It is a riddle; 
 that is what has been amusing us so much. Lady 
 Ursula has been making such absurd attempts to 
 guess it. Good-bye, Lady Broadhem. Here is the 
 servant come to say that my fly is at the door." 
 
 " Good gracious ! Why, where are you going ? " 
 said she, evidently imagining that her daughter and 
 I had had some thrilling episode, and that I was 
 going away in a huff, so I determined to mystify 
 her still more. 
 
 " Oh, only to Flityville to get everything ready ; 
 you know what a state the place is in. Now," and 
 I looked tenderly into the amazed face of Lady 
 Ursula, " I shall indeed have an object in putting it 
 in order, and I shall expect you and Lady Ursula to 
 come some day soon and suggest the improvements. 
 T have only one request to make before leaving, and 
 I do so, Lady Ursula, in the presence of your mother 
 and sister ; and that is, that until I see you again, 
 the subject of our conversation just now may never 
 be alluded to between yourselves. Trust in me, 
 Lady Broadhem," I said, taking her hand affection- 
 ately, " and promise me you will not ask Lady Ur- 
 sula what I have just told her ; if }ou do," I whis- 
 pered, " you will spoil all," and I looked happy and 
 mysterious. " Do you promise ? " 
 
 " I do," said Lady Broadhem. 
 
 " 4nd now, Lady Ursula," I said, crossing over to 
 
MADNESS. 69 
 
 her and taking her liaud, " once more good-bye, and " 
 — I went on in so low a tone that it was impossible 
 for Lady Broadhem to overhear it, but it made her 
 feel sure that all was arranged between us — " you 
 have got the most terrible secret of my life. I know 
 I can trust you. You have seen me " — and I formed 
 the word with my lips rather than uttered it with 
 my breath — " MAD ! Hush ! " for Lady Ursula gave 
 a quick exclamation, and almost fainted with alarm ; 
 " I am myself again now. Eemember my happiness 
 Is in your keeping " — this out loud for Lady Broad- 
 hem's benefit. "I am going to say good-bye to 
 Lady Dickiefield, and you shall hear from me when 
 I can receive you at Flityville." 
 
 I am endowed with a somewhat remarkable fa- 
 culty, which I have not been in the habit of allud- 
 ing to, partly because my friends think me ridicu- 
 lous if I do, and partly because I never could see 
 any use in it, but I do nevertheless possess the power 
 of seeing in the dark. Not after the manner of cats 
 — the objects which actually exist — but images 
 which sometimes appear as the condensations of a 
 white misty-looking substance, and sometimes take 
 a distinctly bright luminous appearance. As I gaze 
 into absolute darkness, I first see a cloud, which 
 gradually seems to solidify into a shape, either of an 
 animal or some definite object. In the case of the 
 more brilliant image, the appearance is immediate 
 
yo PICCADILLY. 
 
 and evanescent. It comes and goes like a flash, 
 and the subject is generally significant and beautiful. 
 Perhaps some of my readers may be familiar with 
 this phenomenon, and may account for it as being 
 the result of what they call imagination, which is 
 only putting the difficulty one step back ; or may 
 adopt the wiser course which I have followed, and 
 not endeavour to account for it at all. Whatever be 
 its origin, the fact remains, and I only advert to it 
 now, as it is the best illustration I can think of to 
 describe the mental process through which I passed 
 in the train on my way to Flityville. My mind 
 seemed at first a white mist— a blank sheet of paper. 
 My interview with Lady Ursula had produced this 
 effect upon it. Gradually, and quite unconsciously 
 to myself, so far as any mental effort was concerned, 
 my thoughts seemed to condense into a definite plan 
 of action ; now and then a brilliant idea would ap- 
 pear like a flash, and vanish sometimes before I could 
 catch it ; but in so far as the complication in which 
 Grandon, Ursula, the Broadhem family, and myself 
 were concerned, I seemed to see my way, or at all 
 events to feel sure that my way would be shown to 
 me, if I let my inspirations guide me. When once 
 one achieves this thorough confidence in one's inspi- 
 rations, the journey of life becomes simplified. You 
 never wonder what is round the next corner, and 
 begin to prepare for unknown contingencies ; but 
 
MADNESS. 71 
 
 yon wait till the corner is turned, and the contin- 
 gency arrives, and passively allow your mind to 
 crystallise itself into a plan of action. At this mo- 
 ment, of course, I have no more notion what is going 
 to happen to me than you have. Divest your mind, 
 my friend, that I know anything more of the plot of 
 this story of ray life which you are reading than 
 you do. I positively have not the slightest idea 
 what either I or any of the ladies and gentlemen to 
 whom I have introduced you are likely to do, or 
 how it is all going to end. I have told you the 
 mental process under which I act ; and, of course, 
 this is the mere record of those inspirations. Very 
 often the most unlikely things occur to me all of a 
 sudden : thus, while my mind was, as it were, trifl- 
 ing with the events which I have recounted, and 
 throwing them into a variety of combinations, it 
 flashed upon me in the most irrelevant manner that 
 I would send £4000 anonymously to the Bishop of 
 London's fund. In another second the unconscious 
 train of thought which led me to this determination 
 revealed itself. " Here," said T, " have I been at- 
 tacking this poor colonial bishop and the Establish- 
 ment to which he belongs, and what have I given 
 him in return ? I expose the abuses of his theolo- 
 gical and ecclesiastical system, but I provide him 
 with no remedy. I fling one big stone at the crystal 
 palace in which Protestantism is shrivelling away, 
 
T2 PICCADILLY. 
 
 and another big stone at the crystal palace in which 
 Catholicism is rotting, and I offer them in exchange 
 the cucumber-frame under which I am myself squat- 
 ting uncomfortably. I owe them an apology. Un- 
 fortunately I have not yet found either the man or 
 the body of men who do not prefer hard cash to an 
 apology — provided, of course, it be properly propor- 
 tioned to the susceptibility of their feelings or the 
 delicacy of their sense of honour. " Fairly, now," I 
 asked myself, " if it was put to the Bench of Bishops, 
 would they consider £5000 sufficient to compen- 
 sate the Church for the expressions 1 made use of 
 to one of their order ? " " More than sufficient," 
 myself replied. " Then we will make it four thou- 
 sand." But the whole merit of the action lies in the 
 anonymous, and so nobody knows till they read 
 this who it was made that munificent donation. 
 That I should have afterwards changed my mind, 
 and answered the advertisement of the committee, 
 which appeared in the " agony" column of the 
 ' Times,' who wanted to know how I wislied the 
 money applied, by a request that it should be paid 
 back to my account at the Bank, does not affect the 
 question ; I merely wished to show the nature of 
 my impulses, and the readiness with which I act 
 upon them. 
 
 Some days elapsed after my arrival at Flityville 
 before I felt moved to write to Grandon. The I'act 
 
MADNESS. 73 
 
 ia, I was writing this record of my trials for the 
 world in general, and did not know what to say to 
 him in particular. At length, feeling that I owed 
 him an explanation, T wrote as follows : — 
 
 "Flityville, March 10. 
 
 " You are doubtless surprised, my dear fellow," I 
 began, " at my turning myself into a hermit at this 
 most inopportune season of the year ; but the fact 
 is, that shortly after you left Dickiefield, I became 
 so deeply impressed with the responsibility of the 
 great work I had undertaken, that I perceived that a 
 period of retirement and repose was absolutely neces- 
 sary with a view to the elaboration of some system 
 which should enable me to grapple with the great 
 moral and social questions upon which I am engaged. 
 
 "Diverting my anxious gaze from Christendom 
 generally, I concentrated it upon my own country, 
 in the hope that I might discover the root of its 
 disease. Morbid activity of the national brain, 
 utterly deranged action of the national heart. 
 Those were the symptoms — unmistakable. Proxi- 
 mate cause also not difficult to arrive at. Due to 
 the noxious influence of tall chimneys upon broad 
 acres, whereby the commercial eflluvium of the 
 Plutocracy has impregnated the upper atmosphere, 
 and overpowered the enfeebled and enervated facul- 
 ties of the aristocracy ; lust of gain has supervened 
 
74 PICCADILLY. 
 
 upon love of ease. Hence the utter absence of 
 those noble and generous impulses which are the 
 true indications of healthy national life. Expe- 
 diency has taken the place of principle ; conscience 
 has been crushed out of the system by calculation. 
 The life-blood of the country, instead of bounding 
 along its veins, creeps sluggishly through them, till 
 it threatens to stagnate altogether, and congestion 
 becomes imminent. 
 
 " Looked at from what I may term ' externals,' 
 we simply present to the world at large the ignoble 
 spectacle of a nation of usurers trembling over our 
 money-bags ; looked at from internals, I perceive 
 that we are suffering from a moral opiate, to the 
 action of which I attribute the unhappy complaints 
 that I have endeavoured to describe. This per- 
 nicious narcotic has been absorbed by us for hun- 
 dreds of years unsuspected and unperceived under 
 the guise of a popular theology. We have become 
 so steeped in the insane delusion, now many cen- 
 , turies old, that we are a Christian nation, that I 
 anticipate with dread the reaction which will take 
 place when men awaken to the true character of the 
 religious quackery with which they have been 
 duped, and, overlooking in their frenzy the distinc- 
 tion which exists between ancient and modern 
 Christianity, will repudiate the former with horror, 
 v/hich, after all, does not deserve to be condemned, 
 
MADNESS. 75 
 
 for it has never yet been tried as a political system 
 in any country. Individuals only profess to be 
 theoretically governed by it. Nor would it be pos- 
 sible, as society is at present constituted, for any 
 man to carry out its principles in daily life. That 
 any statesman would be instantly ruined who 
 should openly announce that he intended to govern 
 the country on purely Christian principles, may be 
 made clear to the simplest comprehension. For 
 instance, imagine our Foreign Minister getting up 
 in the House of Commons and justifying his last 
 stroke of foreign policy upon the ground that we 
 should ' love our neighbours better than ourselves/ 
 or penning a despatch to any power that we felt 
 ' persecuted ' by blessing it. When do we even do 
 good to anybody in our national capacity, much 
 less to them ' that hate us ' ? We certainly pray 
 like Chinamen when we want to propitiate an 
 angry Deity about the cattle-plague ; but who ever 
 heard of ' a form of prayer to be used ' for nations 
 'who despitefully use us.' Fancy the Chancellor 
 of the Exchequer informing us that instead of laying 
 up for the nation treasures upon earth, he proposed 
 realising all that the country possessed and giving 
 it to the poor. Christian Churchmen and statesmen 
 do not therefore sufficiently believe in the power 
 and efficacy of the Christian moral code to trust the 
 nation to it alone. Hence they have invented 
 
76 PICCADILLY. 
 
 ecclesiastical organisations and theological dogmas 
 as anodynes ; and the people have been lulled into 
 security by the singular notion, that if they sup- 
 ported the one and professed to believe in the other, 
 they were different from either Mohammedans or 
 Bhuddists. In a word, it is the curse of England 
 that its intellect can see truths which its heart will 
 not embody. The more I think of it the more I am 
 disposed to risk the assertion, that if, as is sup- 
 posed, the moral code called Christian is divine, it 
 is only not practicable, literally, by the nation for 
 lack of national heart-faith. I tell you this in con- 
 fidence, for I am already considered so wild and 
 visionary upon all these matters, and so thoroughly 
 unsound, that I should not like it to be generally 
 known, for fear of its injuring my pohtical pro- 
 spects. In the mean time it will very much assist 
 me in arriving at some of my conclusions, if you 
 will kindly procure for me, from any leading mem- 
 ber of the Legislature, lay or clerical, answers to 
 the following questions : — 
 
 " First, Whether Jonah could possibly have had 
 anything to say to Nineveh which would not apply 
 with equal force to this Christian metropolis ? — and 
 if so. What ? 
 
 " Second, Specify the sins which were probably 
 committed in Chorazin or Bethsaida, but which 
 have not yet been perpetrated in London. 
 
MADNESS. ^^ 
 
 "Third, As statecraft (assisted by priestcraft) 
 consists not in making the State better but richer, 
 exphiin why it is easier for a collection of rich men 
 — called a nation— to be saved, than for a camel 
 to go throngli the eye of a needle, but not so easy 
 for one man. 
 
 " Fourth, Does the saying that the love of money 
 is the root of all evil apply to a nation as well as to 
 an individual ? — and if not, how does it happen that 
 the more we accumulate wealth, the more we in- 
 crease poverty and misery and crime ? 
 
 " That is enough for the present. But oh ! what 
 a string of questions I could propound to these 
 stumbling pagans, stupefied by the fatuous super- 
 stition that their country is safer than other coun- 
 tries which have come to judgment, because they 
 are called by a particular name ! Is there among 
 them all not the faintest consciousness of an im- 
 pending doom ? or is the potency of the drug such 
 that it is impossible to raise a cry loud enough to 
 rouse them? Why will they go on vainly trying 
 to solve the impossible problem of Government, 
 never seeing that whatever system is introduced is 
 merely a rearrangement of sinners ; that voters are 
 like cards — the more you shuffle them the dirtier 
 they get ; and that it is of no use agitating for a 
 reform in the franchise without first agitating for a 
 reform in the consciences of those who are to exer- 
 
yS PICCADILLY. 
 
 cise it, and in the fundamental principles of the 
 policy upon which we are to he governed. 
 
 " Wisely saith the greatest poet of tlie age, as 
 yet, alas ! unknown to fame : — 
 
 " Reformers fail because they change the letter, 
 And not the spirit, of the world's design. 
 Tyrant and slave create the scourge and fetter — 
 
 As is the worshipper, will be the shrine. 
 The ideal fails, though perfect were the plan, 
 World-harmony springs through the perfect man. 
 
 We burn out life in hot impatient striving; 
 
 We dash ourselves against the hostile spears : 
 The bale-tree, that our naked hands are riving, 
 
 Unites to crush us. Ere our manhood's years, 
 We sow the rifled blossoms of the prime, 
 Then fruitlessly are gathered out of time. 
 
 We seek to change souls all unripe for changes ; 
 
 We build upon a treacherous human soil 
 Of moral quicksand, and the world avenges 
 
 Its crime upon us, while we vainly toil. 
 In the black coal-pit of the popular heart 
 Eain falls, light kindles, but no flowers upstart. 
 
 Know this ! For men of ignoble afl"ection, 
 The social scheme that is, were better far 
 
 Than the orbed sun's most exquisite perfection, 
 Man needs not heaA'en till he revolves a star. 
 
 Why seek to win the mad world from its strife ? 
 
 Grow perfect in the sanity of life." * 
 
 * 'The Great Eepublic : a Poem of the Sun.' P)y Thomas 
 Lake Harris. Kew York and London : published by the "Thb 
 Brotherhood of the New Life." 
 
MADNESS. 79 
 
 '• Ah, my dear friend ! how often, from my hum- 
 ble seat below the gangway, have I gazed upon the 
 Treasury Bench, and wondered how it was that 
 right hon. gentlemen, struggling to retain their 
 dignity by sitting on each other's knees, did not 
 perceive that the reason why great reforms per- 
 petually fail is, not because they have not their root 
 in some radical injustice — not because the despot- 
 isms against which they rise are in themselves right 
 — but because those who attempt to inaugurate 
 new and better conditions upon the surfaces of 
 society are themselves, for the most part, desolate, 
 darkened, and chaotic within! I am under the 
 impression, therefore, that no reform-agitation will 
 ever do good which is not preceded by an agitation, 
 throughout the length and breadth of the land, iu 
 favour of the introduction, for the first time, of this 
 old original moral code, not merely into the govern- 
 ment of the country, but into the life of every in- 
 dividual. Unless that is done, and done speedily, 
 those who are now morally stupefied will die in 
 their torpor, and the rest who are harmless lunatics 
 will become gibbering and shrieking demoniacs.— 
 
 Yours afifectionately, 
 
 " F. V." 
 
 I had become so absorbed by the train of con- 
 siderations into which I had been led, that I never 
 thought of mentioning to Grandon the circum- 
 
8o PICCADILLY. 
 
 stances which attended my departure from Dickie- 
 field. It was not until after I had posted my letter 
 that it occurred to me how singular, considering the 
 last words which passed between us, this silence 
 would appear. If to be odd has its drawbacks, it 
 also has its advantages ; and I felt that Grandon 
 would be as unable to draw any conclusions from 
 my silence as from any other erratic act of my life. 
 After all, what could I have said ? It wiU be time, 
 I thought, to venture upon that very delicate ground 
 when I get his reply. But this I was destined 
 never to receive, and the questions I had pro- 
 pounded are likely to remain unanswered, for on 
 the very next day I received the following telegram 
 from Lady Broadhem : — 
 
 " Your immediate presence here is absolutely 
 necessary. Delay will be fatal. 
 
 " Mary Broadhem. 
 
 '• Gro.svenor Square. 20th March." 
 
8f 
 
 PART III. 
 
 SUICIDE. 
 
 Piccadilly, April. 
 
 CONSIUERING tlie extent to which I have been 
 digressmg, it will be perhaps desirable, before T 
 plunge again into the stormy current of my nar- 
 rative, to define in a few words what, in the lan- 
 guage of diplomacy, is termed " the situation." 
 After I have done so, I shall feel much obliged if 
 you will kindly "grasp" it. Briefly, it is as fol- 
 lows : I am telegraphed for in frantic terms by an 
 old lady who is under the firm impression that I 
 am engaged to be married to her daughter. I am 
 violently in love with that daughter, but for certain 
 reasons I have felt it my duty to account for my 
 extraordinary conduct by informing her confiden- 
 tially that I have occasional fits of temporary in- 
 sanity. That daughter, I am positively assured by 
 her mother, is no less violently attached to my 
 most dear and intimate friend. My most dear and 
 
 F 
 
82 PICCADILLY. 
 
 intimate friend returns the affection. j\famma 
 threatens that if I do not marry her daughter, 
 rather than allow my most dear and intimate friend 
 to do so, she will ally the young lady to an affluent 
 native of Bombay. So much is known. On the 
 following points I am still in the dark : — 
 
 First, What on earth does Lady Broadhem mean 
 by telling me to come immediately, as delay may 
 be fatal? — to whom? to me or to Lady Ursula, or 
 herself? My knowledge- of her ladyship induces 
 me to incline towards the latter hypothesis ; the 
 suspense is, however, none the less trying. 
 
 Second, Does Lady Ursula imagine that I know 
 how she and Grandon feel towards each other ? 
 
 Third, Is Grandon under the im]jre3sion that I 
 have actually proposed and been accepted by Lady 
 Ursula ? 
 
 Fourth, Does my conduct occasionally amount to 
 something more than eccentricity or not ? 
 
 Fifth — and this was very unpleasant — Shall I 
 find Grandon at our joint abode ? And if so, what 
 shall I say to him ? 
 
 Sixth, Have Grandon and Lady Ursula met, and 
 did anything pass between them ? 
 
 Thank goodness Grandon was at the House. So, 
 after a hurried toilet, I went on to Grosvenor 
 Square. The young ladies were both out. Lady 
 Bridget had taken advantage of the cJiapcronage of 
 
SUICIDE. 83 
 
 a newly-married rather fast female cousin, to go to 
 a ball. Lady Ursula had gone to a solitary tea 
 with a crabbed old aunt. Lady Broadhem was in 
 her own sitting-room, lying on a couch behind a 
 table covered with papers. She looked wearily up 
 when I entered, and held out a thin hand for me to 
 do what I liked with. " How good of you to come, 
 dear Frank ! " she said. It was the first time she 
 had ever called me Frank, and I knew she expected 
 me to acknowledge it by pressing her fingers, so I 
 squeezed them affectionately. " Broadhem said if 
 I wanted to make sure of you I ought to have 
 brought Ursula's name into the telegraph, but I 
 told him her mother's would do as well." 
 
 " What does the " I am afraid I mentally 
 
 said ' old girl ' — " want, I wonder ? It must be 
 really serious, or she would have shammed agita- 
 tion. There is something about this oily calm 
 which is rather portentous. Then she has taken 
 care to have every member of the family out of the 
 house. What is she ringing the bell for now ? " 
 
 " Tell Lady Ursula when she comes home that I 
 am engaged particularly, and will come up and see 
 her in her bedroom before she goes to bed," said 
 Lady Broadhem to the servant who answered it. 
 
 " Does not Lady Ursula know of my having come 
 to town in answer to your summons ? " I asked. 
 
 " No, dear child ; why should I inflict my troubles 
 
84 PICCADILLY. 
 
 upon her ? Even Broadhem, to whom 1 was obliged 
 to speak more openly, only suspects the real state 
 of the case. I have reserved my full confidence for 
 my future son-in-law." 
 
 I lifted up my eyes with a rapturous expression, 
 and played with a paper-knife. She wanted me to 
 help her on with an obvious remark, which I de- 
 clined to make ; so, after a pause, she went on, with 
 a deep sigh, — 
 
 " What sad news we keep on getting of those poor 
 dear Confederates, Frank ! " 
 
 " Let us hope they will recover," said I, encour- 
 agingly. 
 
 " Oh, but they do keep on falling so, it is quite 
 dreadful," 
 
 " There was no great number of them fell at Wil- 
 mington." 
 
 " How stupid I am ! " she said ; " my poor mind 
 gets quite bewildered, I was thinking of stock, not 
 men ; they went down again three more yesterday, 
 and my broker declines altogether to carry them on 
 from one account to another any more. I bought 
 at 60, and they have done nothing but go down ever 
 since. I generally go by Lord Staggerton's advice, 
 and he recommended me to sell a bear some months 
 ago ; but that stupid little Spiffy Goldtip insisted 
 that it was only a temporary depression, and now he 
 
SUICIDE. 85 
 
 says how coiilcl he know that President Davis would 
 replace Johnston by Hood." 
 
 " Very tiresome of Davis : but you should have 
 employed more than one broker," I remarked. 
 " Persons of limited capital and speculative ten- 
 dencies should operate mysteriously. Your right 
 hand should not know what your left hand is 
 doing." 
 
 " Hush, Frank ! you can surely be business-like 
 without being profane. I was completely in Spiffy's 
 hands; Lady Mundane told me she always let him 
 do for her, and" — here Lady Broadhem lowered her 
 voice — " 1 know he has access to the best sources of 
 information. I used to employ Staggerton, but he 
 is so selfish that he never told me the best things; 
 besides which, of course, I was obliged to have him 
 constantly to dinner ; and his great delight was 
 always to say things which were calculated to shock 
 my religious friends. Moreover, he has lately been 
 doing more as a promoter of new companies than in 
 buying and selling. Now Spiffy is so very useful 
 in society, and has so much tact, that although there 
 are all kinds of stories against him, still I did not 
 think there was any sufficient reason to shut him 
 out of the house. There was quite a set made 
 against the poor little man at one time — worldly 
 people are so hard and uncharitable; so, partly fol 
 
^'^ PICCADILLY. 
 
 the sake of liis aunt, Lady Spiffington, who was my 
 dear friend, and partly, indeed, because Staggerton 
 had really become useless and intolerable, I put my 
 affairs entirely into Spiffy's hands." 
 
 " And the result is?" I asked. 
 
 " That I must pay up £27,000 to-morrow," said 
 Lady Broadhem, with the impenitent sigh of a hard- 
 ened criminal. 
 
 " You should have kept his lordship to act as 
 a check on the Honourable Spiffington," I said ; 
 " but I cannot advise now, unless I know every- 
 thing." 
 
 A faint tinge suffused Lady Broadhem's cheek 
 as she said, " What more do you want to know ? " 
 
 " Exactly what money you possess, and exactly 
 how it is invested." 
 
 " I don't see that that is at all necessary. Here 
 is Spiffington's letter, from which you will see how 
 much I must pay to -morrow ; my assurance that I 
 cannot produce so large a sum at such short notice 
 is enough." 
 
 " You can surely have no difficulty in finding 
 some one who would lend you the money, provided 
 you were to pay a sufficiently high rate of interest." 
 
 The tinge which had not left Lady Broadhem's 
 cheek deepened as she answered me, " Frank, it was 
 on no hasty impulse that I telegraphed for you. I 
 do not feel bound to enter into all the details of my 
 
SUICIDE. 87 
 
 private affairs, but I do feel that if there is one man 
 in the world upon whom, at such a crisis, I have a 
 right to rely, it is he to whom I have promised my 
 daughter, and who professes to be devotedly attached 
 to her." 
 
 "In short, Lady Broadhem," said I, rising and 
 taking up my hat, " you are willing to part with 
 your daughter to me on condition of my paying a 
 first instalment of £27,000 down, with the prospect 
 of ' calls ' to an unlimited extent looming in the 
 background. I doubt whether you will find Chun- 
 daugo prepared to go into such a very hazardous 
 speculation, but I should recommend you to apply 
 to him." 
 
 At that moment T heard Lady Ursula's voice in 
 the hall, and the rustle of her dress as she went up- 
 stairs. I was on my way to the door, but I stopped 
 abruptly, and turned upon Lady Broadhem. She 
 was saying something to which I was not attending, 
 but now was suddenly paralysed and silenced as I 
 looked at her fixedly. If a glance can convey mean- 
 ing, I flatter myself my eyes were not devoid of ex- 
 pression at that moment. "What!" I thought, " is 
 it reserved for the mother of the girl I love to make 
 me call her * a hazardous speculation ' ? " It is im- 
 possible for me to describe the intensity of the 
 hatred which I felt at this moment for the woman 
 who had caused me for one second to think of Ursula 
 
88 PICCADILLY. 
 
 as a marketable commodity, who should be olFered 
 for purchase to an Oriental adventurer. The only 
 being I despised more than Lady Broadhem was 
 myself; — because she chose to take my angel off the 
 pedestal on which I had placed her and throw her 
 into the dirt, was I calmly to acquiesce in the pro- 
 ceeding ? The storm raging within me seemed grad- 
 ually to blind me to external objects; my great love 
 was battling with remorse, indignation, and despair; 
 and I stood wavering and distracted, looking, as it 
 were, within for rest and without for comfort, till the 
 light seemed to leave my eyes, and the fire which 
 had flashed from them for a moment became sud- 
 denly extinguished. 
 
 I was recalled to consciousness by an exclama- 
 tion from Lady Broadhem. " Heavens, Frank, don't 
 stare so wildly — you quite frighten me ! I have 
 only asked for your advice, and you make use of 
 expressions and fly off in a manner which notliing 
 but the excitability of your temperament can excuse. 
 I assure you I am worried enough without having 
 my cares added to by your unkindness. There, if 
 you want to know the exact state of my affairs, 
 look through my papers — you will find I am a w^o- 
 man of business ; and I have got an accurate list 
 which I shall be able to explain. Of course all 
 the more important original documents are at my 
 solicitor's." 
 
SUICIDE. 89 
 
 I sat moodily down without answering this semi- 
 conciliatory, semi-plaintive speech. I did not even 
 take the trouble to analyse it. I felt morally and 
 physically exhausted. The long journey, the sus- 
 pense, and this ddnoucment, had prostrated me. I 
 took up the papers Lady Broadhem offered me, and 
 turned them vacantly over. I read the list, but 
 failed to attach any meaning to the items over 
 which my gaze listlessly wandered. I felt that 
 Lady Broadhem was watching me curiously, but 
 every effort I made to grasp the details before me 
 failed hopelessly. At last I threw the packet down 
 in despair, and, leaning over the table, clasped my 
 bursting forehead with my hands. 
 
 " Dear Frank," said Lady Broadhem, and for the 
 first time her voice betrayed signs of genuine emo- 
 tion, " I know I have been very imprudent, but I 
 did it all for the best. You can understand now 
 why I hesitated to tell you everything at first. You 
 don't know how much it has cost me, and to what 
 means I am obliged to resort to keep up my cour- 
 age ; besides, I have got into such a habit of con- 
 cealment that I could not bear that even you should 
 know the desperate state of our affairs, though I had 
 no idea that in so short a time you could have un- 
 ravelled such complicated accounts and arrived at 
 the terrible result. Perhaps you would like me to 
 leave you for a few moments. I will go and say 
 
90 PICCADILLY. 
 
 good-niglit to Ursula, whom I lieard going up-staira 
 just now, 
 
 I beard Lady Broadhem leave the room, but did 
 not raise my head, and indeed only slowly compre- 
 hended the purport of her last speech. As it dawned 
 upon me, the hopelessness of the whole situation 
 seemed to overwhelm me. Chaos and ruin like 
 gaunt spectres stared me in the face ! What mat- 
 tered it if the Broadhem family were bankrupt in 
 estate, if I was to become bankrupt in mind ? What 
 matter if they lost all tlieir worldly possessions ? 
 Had I not lost all hope of Ursula since I had heard 
 of her attachment to Grandon, and with her every 
 generous impulse of my nature ? Why should I save 
 the family, even if I could ? Why in this desert of 
 my existence spend a fortune on an oasis I was for- 
 bidden ever to enter or enjoy? Why should I bring 
 offerings to the shrine at which I might never wct- 
 ship ? The whole temple that enclosed it was totter- 
 ing. Instead of helping to prop it up, why not, lilie 
 Samson, drag it down and let it bury me in its 
 ruin ? I threw myself on the couch from which 
 Lady Broadhem had risen, and, turning my face to 
 the wall, longed with an intense desire for an eter- 
 nal release. At that moment my hand, which I 
 had thrust under the pillow, came in contact with 
 something hard and cold. I drew it out, and was 
 etartled to find that it was a small vial labelled 
 
SUICIDE. 91 
 
 " rOISOISr." 1 am not naturally superstitious, but 
 this immediate response to my thoughts seemed an 
 indication so direct as to be almost supernatural. 
 I had hardly framed in definite terms the idea of a 
 suicide which should at once end my agony, when 
 the means thereto were actually placed in my very 
 hand. Even had I doubted, the inward sense, the 
 inspiration to which I trust, and which has never 
 yet failed me, said, Drink ! It even whispered aloud, 
 Drink ! From every corner of the room came soft 
 pleasant murmurs of the same word. Beautiful 
 sirens floating round me bade me drink. Every 
 thought of moral evil vanished in connection with 
 this final act. I looked forward with rapture to the 
 long sleep before me, and with a smile of the most 
 intense and fervent gratitude I raised the bottle 
 to my lips. I remember thinking at the moment, 
 " The smile is very important — it shall play upon my 
 lips to the end. Ursula, I die happy, for my last 
 thought is, that in the spirit I shall soon revisit 
 thee," and the liquid trickled slowly down my 
 throat. It was not until I had drained the last drop 
 that I suddenly recognised the taste. It was the 
 " pick-me-up " I always get at Harris's, the apothe- 
 cary in St James's Street, when my fit of nervous 
 exhaustion come on, but there seemed rather more 
 of the spirituous ingredient in it than usual. The 
 life -stream began to tingle back through all my 
 
92 PICCADILLY. 
 
 fibres — my miseries took grotesque forms. " lla ! 
 ha ! Lady Broadliem ! the means you take to keep 
 up your courage, which you so delicately alluded to 
 just now, have come in most opportunely. What a 
 fool I was to make mountains out of molehills, and 
 call the little ills of life miseries ! We will soon see 
 what these little imprudences are the old lady talks 
 of" And I took up the papers with a hand rapidly 
 becoming steady, and glanced over them with an 
 eye no longer confused and dim. Oh the pleasure 
 of the sensation of tliis gradual recovery of vigour of 
 mind and force of body ! 
 
 I was engaged in this task, and making the most 
 singular and startling discoveries, the nature of 
 which I shall shortly disclose, when I heard Lady 
 Broadhem coming down-stairs. I felt so angry 
 with her for having been the means of tempting 
 me to commit a great sin, and for the trouble she 
 was causing me generally, that I followed the first 
 impulse which my imagination suggested as the 
 best means of revenging myself upon her. Accord- 
 ingly, when the door opened, she found me stretched 
 at full length on the sofa, my form rigid, my face 
 fixed, my eyes staring, my hands clenched, and my 
 whole attitude as nearly that of a person in a fit as 
 1 had time to make it. 
 
 " Gracious, what is the matter ? " said she. 
 
SUICIDE. 93 
 
 My lips seemed with difficulty to form the word 
 " poison." 
 
 " Frank, speak to me ! " and she seized my hand, 
 which was not so cold as I could have wished it, but 
 which fell helplessly by my side as she let it drop. 
 
 " Poison ! " I this time muttered audibly. 
 
 " Where did you get it ? " said she, snappishly. 
 For it began to dawn upon her that I was not 
 poisoned at all, but had discovered her secret. I 
 turned my thumb languidly in the direction of 
 under the pillow. She hastily thrust in her hand 
 and pulled out the empty bottle. "You fool" — 
 she actually used this expression ; I have heard 
 other ladies do the same — " you fool," and she was 
 literally furious, "what did you go poking under 
 the pillow for ? You are no more poisoned than I 
 am ; it is a draught I am obliged to take for ner- 
 vous depression, and your imagination has almost 
 frightened you into a fit. I put ' poison ' on it to 
 keep the servants from prying. Come, get up, be a 
 man — do," and Lady Broadhem gave me her hand, 
 in consideration for my weakness to help myself 
 up by. 
 
 " Dearest Lady Broadhem," said I, pressing it to 
 my lips, " I cannot tell what comfort you give me. 
 I was just beginning to regret the world I thought 
 T was about to leave for ever, when your assurance 
 
94 PICCADILLY. 
 
 that I nave not taken poison, but a tonic, makes 
 me feel as grateful to you as if you had saved my 
 life. I confess that, when I found that you con- 
 sidered your affairs to be so desperate that you 
 had provided the most effectual mode of escape 
 from them, I envied the superior foresight which 
 you had displayed, and determined to repair my 
 error. If it is worth dear Lady Broadhem's while 
 to poison herself, I thought, it is surely worth 
 mine. But, after all, suicide is a cowardly act either 
 in a man or a woman ; better far face the ills of life 
 with the aid of stimulants, than fly for refuge in 
 the agony of a financial crisis to the shop of an 
 apothecary." 
 
 " You are an incomprehensible creature, Frank," 
 said Lady Broadhem ; " I am sure I hope for her 
 own sake that Ursula will understand you better 
 than I do ; but as your humours are uncertain, and 
 you seem able to go into these affairs now, I think 
 we had better not waste any more time ; only I do 
 wish" (with a wistful glance at the bottle) "you 
 would provide yourself with your own draughts in 
 future." 
 
 " How lucky," thought I, as 1 put on a business- 
 like air, and methodically began arranging the 
 papers according to their docquets. "Now, if it 
 had been just the other way, and her ladysliip had 
 taken the draught instead of me, how completely I 
 
SUICIDE. 95 
 
 should have been at her mercy 1 Now I am master 
 of the situation." 
 
 "'Greek loan, thirty thousand/" I read, going 
 down the list ; " I am afraid this is rather a losing 
 business. I see they have been already held over 
 for some months. I suppose some of the £27,000 
 is to be absorbed there." 
 
 " Yes," said Lady Broadhem ; " because if I can 
 carry on for another fortnight, I have got informa- 
 tion which makes it certain I shall recover on them." 
 "What is this? five hundred pounds' worth of 
 dollar bonds ? " I went on. 
 
 "Oh, I only lost a few pounds on them. 1 
 bought them at threepence apiece and sold them 
 at twopence. Spiffy got me to take them off his 
 hands, and, in fact, made a great favour of it, as 
 he says there is nothing people make money more 
 surely out of than dollar bonds." 
 
 "Bubbs's Eating-house and Cigar Divan Com- 
 pany, Holborn. Well, there is a strong direction. 
 How do you come by so many shares ? " 
 
 " Lord Staggerton was one of the promoters, and 
 had them allotted to me," said Lady Broadhem. 
 "He also was kind enough to put me into two 
 Turkish baths, a monster hotel, and a music-hall. 
 You will see that I lost heavily in the Turkish 
 baths and the hotel, but the music-hall is paying 
 well. Spiffy says I ought never to stay so long in 
 
96 PICCADILLY. 
 
 anything as I do; in and out again, if it is only 
 half a per cent, is his system ; but Staggerton used 
 to look after my interests, and managed them very 
 successfully. I am afraid that all my troubles 
 commenced when I quarrelled with him. He is 
 now promoting two companies which I hear most 
 highly spoken of, but he says I must take my 
 chance with others about shares, and he won't 
 advise me in the matter. One is ' The Metropolitan 
 Crossing-Sweeping Company,' of which he's to be 
 chairman, and the other is the 'Seaside Bathing- 
 Machine Company,' Spiffy says they will both 
 fail, because Staggerton has not the means of hav- 
 ing them properly brought out. Bodwinkle won't 
 speak to him, and unless either he or the Credit 
 Foncier bring a thing out, there is not the least 
 chance of its taking with the public. They don't 
 so much look at the merits of the speculation as at 
 the way in which it is put before them ; and with 
 this system of rigging the market, so many people 
 go in like me only to get out again, that it is be- 
 coming more and more difficult every day to start 
 anything new. Oh dear," said Lady Broadhem, 
 " how exhausted it always makes me to talk 
 ' City ! ' I only want to show you that I under- 
 stand what I am about, and that if you can only 
 help to tide me over tliis crisis, something will 
 surely turn up a i)rize." 
 
SUICIDE. 97 
 
 " I know you disapprove of cards, but perhaps 
 you will allow me to suggest the word ' trump ' 
 as being more expressive than ' prize,' " I said. 
 " Well, now we have got through the companies, 
 what have we here? Wliy, Lady Broadhem, you 
 have positively taken no less than seven unfur- 
 nished houses this year. What on earth do you 
 intend to do with them all ? 
 
 " My dear Frank, where have you been living for 
 the last few years ? Do with them ? Exactly what 
 dozens of smart people, with very little to live on, 
 do with houses — let them, to be sure. I made 
 £1100 last year in four houses, and all by adding 
 it on to the premiums. I don't like furnishing and 
 putting it in the rent. In the first place, one is 
 apt to have disagreeable squabbles about the fur- 
 niture, which, however good you give people, they 
 always say is shabby ; and in the second, you get 
 much more into the hands of the house-agents." 
 
 " Well, but," I said, " here is one of the largest 
 houses in London — rent, unfurnished, £1500 a- 
 year. That is rather hazardous: who do you expect 
 will take that? " 
 
 " Oh, that is the safest speculation of them all," 
 said Lady Broadhem. " I had an infinity of trouble 
 to get it. Spiffy first suggested the plan to me, 
 and we found it succeed admirably last year. It 
 was we who brought out Mrs Gorgon Tompkins and 
 Q 
 
98 PICCADILLY. 
 
 her daughters. She took the house from me al 
 my own rent on condition that Spiffy managed 
 her balls, and got all the best people in London to 
 go to them. This year we are going to bring out 
 the Bodwinkles. It will be much easier, because 
 she is young, and has no family. He, you know, 
 is a man of immense wealth in the City — in fact, 
 as I said before, his name is almost essential to the 
 success of any new company. I told his wife I 
 could have nothing to do with them unless he 
 came into Parliament, for they are horridly vulgar, 
 and they were bound to do what they could for 
 themselves before I could think of taking them up. 
 Lady Mundane positively refused to have anything 
 to do with them, and, in fact, I live so little in the 
 world, though I keep it up to some extent for the 
 sake of my girls, that it was quite an accident 
 my hearing of them. Now, however, he has got 
 into the House of Commons, and it is arranged 
 that she is to take the house, and Bodwinkle is to 
 help Spiffy in City matters, on condition that he 
 gets all Lady Mundane's list to her first party. 
 Poor Spiffy is a little nervous, as Bodwinkle actu- 
 ally wanted to put it in writing on a stamped paper; 
 but he is so immensely useful to society, that the 
 least people can do is to be good-natured on an 
 occasion of this kind." 
 
 " Xo fear of them," said I , "if Bodwinkle is the 
 
SUICIDE. 99 
 
 only man who can launch a company in the City, 
 no one can compete with Spiffy in launching a 
 snob in Mayfair. But I thought you never went to 
 balls." 
 
 " I never do ; but because I do not approve of 
 dancing, there is no reason why I should not let 
 houses for the purpose. You might as well say a 
 religious banker ought not to open an account with 
 a theatre, or a good brewer live by his beer, be- 
 cause some people drink too much of it. If any 
 one was to leave a gin-palace to me in a legacy, I 
 should not refuse the rent." 
 
 " Any more than you do the interest of your 
 shares in the music-hall. And now," said I, coolly, 
 gathering up all her papers and putting them in 
 my pocket, " as it is past one o'clock, and I see you 
 are tired, I will take these away with me, and let 
 you know to-morrow what I think had better be 
 done under the circumstances." 
 
 "What are you doing, Frank? what an unheard- 
 of proceeding ! I insist upon your leaving my 
 papers here." 
 
 " If I do, you must look elsewhere for the money. 
 No, Lady Broadhem " — I felt that my moral 
 ascendancy was increasing every moment, and that 
 I should never have such another opportunity of 
 establishing it — "we had better understand each 
 other clearly. You regard me at this moment in 
 
[00 PICCADILLY. 
 
 the light of your future son-in-law, and in that 
 capacity expect me to extricate you and your 
 family from your financial difficulties. Now I am 
 quite capable of ' behaving badly,' as the world calls 
 it, at the shortest notice. I told you at Dickie- 
 field that I was totally without principle, and we 
 are both trusting to Ursula to reform me. But I 
 will relinquish the pleasure of paying your debts, 
 and the advantage of being reformed by your 
 daughter, unless you agree to my terms." 
 
 " And they are? " said her ladyship, doggedly. 
 
 " Pirst, that from this evening you put the 
 entire management of your affairs into my hands, 
 and, as a preliminary measure, allow me to take 
 away these papers, giving me a note to your 
 lawyer authorising him to follow my instructions 
 in everything; and, secondly, that you never, under 
 any pretence, enter into any company or specu- 
 lation of any kind except with my permission." 
 
 A glance of very evil meaning shot across her 
 ladyship's eyes as they met mine after this speech, 
 but I frightened it away by the savageness of my 
 gaze, till she was literally obliged to put her hand 
 up to her forehead. The crisis was exciting me, 
 for Ursula was at stake, and it was just possible my 
 conditions might be refused ; but I felt the mag- 
 netism of my will concentrating itself in my eyes 
 as if they were burning-glasses. It seemed to dash 
 
s?Ji"Cj[j:/,F;. loi 
 
 itself upon the reefs 'arjd ;bao);iei'S.<)f': Lady Broad- 
 hem's rocky nature ;' the ihher forces of our organ- 
 isms were engaged in a decisive struggle for the 
 mastery ; but the held of battle was in her, not in 
 me. I had invaded the enemy's country, and her 
 frontier was as long and difficult to defend as ours 
 is in Canada. So I kept on pouring in mesmeric 
 reinforcements, as she sat with her head bent, and 
 her whole moral being in turmoil. Never before 
 Imd any man ventured to dictate to this veteran 
 campaigner. The late Lord had been accustomed 
 to regard her as infallible, and Broadhem has not 
 yet known the pleasures of independence. She 
 never had friends who were not servile, or per- 
 mitted herself to be contradicted, except by a few 
 privileged ecclesiastics, and then only in unctuous 
 and deprecatory tones. That I, of whom the world 
 was accustomed to speak in terms of compassion, 
 and whom she inwardly despised at this moment, 
 should stand over her more unyielding and imperi- 
 ous than herself, caused her to experience a sensa- 
 tion nearly allied to suffocation. I seemed instinc- 
 tively to follow the mental processes through which 
 she was passing, and a certain consciousness that 
 I did so demoralised her. Now, I felt, she is going 
 to take me to task in a " sweet Christian spirit " 
 about the state of m^' soul, and I brought up " will " 
 reinforcements which I poured down upon her brain 
 
102 PICCADILLY. 
 
 tlirou^li' the parnng )of •he^' ircnt, till she backed 
 suddenly but of the position, aiid took up a hostile, 
 I might almost say an abusive, attitude. Here 
 again I met her with such a shower of invective, 
 " uttered not, yet comprehended," that after a silent 
 contest she gave this up too, and finally fell back 
 on the flat rejection of me and my money altogether. 
 This, I confess, was the critical moment. She took 
 her hand down when she came to this mental re- 
 solution, and she looked at me, I thought, but it 
 might have been imagination, demoniacally. What 
 had I to oppose to it ? My love for Ursula ? No ; 
 that would soften me. My aversion to Lady 
 Broadhem ? No ; for it was not so great as hers 
 for me. For a moment I wavered ; my will seemed 
 paralysed ; her gaze was becoming fascinating, while 
 mine was getting clouded, till a mist seemed to con- 
 ceal her from me altogether. And now, at the risk 
 of being misunderstood and ridiculed, I feel bound 
 to describe exactly the most remarkable occurrence 
 of my life. At that moment I saw distinctly, in 
 the luminous haze which surrounded me, a fiery 
 cross. I have already said that objects of this 
 kind often appeared to me in the dark, apropos of 
 nothing ; but upon no former occasion had a lighted 
 room become dim, and a vision manifested itself 
 within which seemed to answer to the involuntary 
 invocation for assistance that T made when I found 
 
SUICIDE. 103 
 
 the powers of my own will beginning utterly to 
 fail me; and, what was still more strange, never 
 before had any such manifestation effected an im- 
 mediate revolution in my sentiments. Up to that 
 moment I had been internally fierce and overbear- 
 ing in my resolution to subdue the nature with 
 which I was contending, and I was actually de- 
 feated when I received this supernatural indication 
 of assistance. Before the dazzling vision had van- 
 ished, it had conveyed its lesson of self-sacrifice, 
 and created within me a new impulse, under the 
 influence of which I solemnly vowed that if I trium- 
 phed now I should use my victory for the good not 
 only of those I loved, but of her then sitting before 
 me. The demon of my own nature, which had 
 evidently been struggling with the demon of hers, 
 suddenly deserted me, and his place seemed occupied 
 by an angel of light, furnishing me with the powers 
 of exorcism, which were to be gained only at the 
 sacrifice of self. My very breath seemed instantly 
 charged with prayers for her, at the moment I felt 
 she regarded me with loathing and hate. 
 
 An ineffable calm pervaded my whole being. A 
 sense of happiness and gratitude deprived the con- 
 sciousness of the conquest which I had gained of 
 any sentiment of exultation ; on the contrary, I 
 felt gentle and subdued myself — anxious to soothe 
 and comfort her with that consolation I had just 
 
f04 PICCADILLY. 
 
 experienced. Ah, Lady Broadhem! at that moment, 
 had I not been in the presence of a " saint," I shoidd 
 have fallen upon my knees. Perhaps as it was I 
 might have done so, had she not suddenly leant 
 back exhausted. 
 
 " Frank," she said, " I seem to have been dream- 
 ing. I am subject to fits of violent nervous de- 
 pression, and the agitation of this scene has com- 
 pletely overcome me ; my brain seems stunned, and 
 all my faculties have become torpid. I can think 
 of nothing more now, do what you like ; all I want 
 is to go to sleep. If you ring the bell in that cor- 
 ner, Jenkins will come down. Good-night ; I shall 
 see you to-morrow. Take the papers with you." 
 
 I took Lady Broadhem's hand — it was cold and 
 clammy — and held it till her maid came down. 
 She had already fallen into a half-mesmeric sleep, 
 but was. not conscious of her condition. I saw her 
 safely on her way to her bedroom on the arm of her 
 maid, and left the house with my pockets full of 
 papers, more fresh and invigorated than I had felt 
 for weeks. A new light had indeed dawned upon 
 me. For the first time one of these " hallucina- 
 tions," as medical men usually term them, to which 
 I am subject, had contained a lesson. Not only 
 had I profited from it upon the spot, but it had 
 suggested to me an entirely new line of conduct in 
 the great question which most nearly affected my 
 
SUICIDE. 105 
 
 own happiness, and seemed to guarantee me the 
 strength of will and moral courage which should 
 enable me to carry it out. 
 
 As I walked home, with the piercing March wind 
 cutting me through, solemn thoughts and earnest 
 aspirations arose within me, and, struggling into 
 existence amid the wreck that seemed to strew the 
 disturbed chambers of my brain, came the prayer 
 of an old saint, which, in years gone by, had fixed 
 itself permanently in some vacant niche of my 
 mind : — 
 
 " Great God ! I ask Thee for no meatier pelf, 
 Than that I may not disappoint myself, 
 That in my actions I may soar as high 
 As I can now discern with this clear eye ; 
 And next in value what Thy kindness lends, 
 That I may greatly disappoint my friends, 
 Howe'er they think or hope that it might be, 
 They may not dream how Thou'st distinguished me ; 
 That my weak hand may equal my firm faith, 
 And my life practise more than my tongue saith ; 
 That my low conduct may not show, 
 
 Nor my relenting lines, 
 That I Thy purpose did not know, 
 Or overrated Thy designs." 
 
 Time alone will show whether the project I 
 formed under the new influences which were now 
 controlling me, will ever be realised. 
 
 There is one point which I have in common with 
 Archimedes, — my most brilliant inspirations very 
 
Io6 PICCADILLY. 
 
 often come to me in my tub, or while I am dressing. 
 On the morning following the scene above described, 
 I trusted to this moment to furnish me with an idea 
 which should enable me to put my plan into opera- 
 tion, but I sought in vain. 
 
 In the first place, though J assumed in the 
 presence of Lady Broadhem a thorough knowledge 
 of the peculiar description of the transaction in 
 which she was engaged, I feel bound not to conceal 
 from my readers that I have made it a rule through 
 life to confine my knowledge of business strictly to 
 theory, and though I am as thoroughly conversant 
 with the terms of the Stock Exchange as with the 
 language of the swell mob, I avoid, in ordinary life, 
 making use either of one or the other. Hence I 
 have always treated debentures, stock, scrip, 
 coupons, and all the jargon connected with such 
 money-making and money-losing contrivances, as 
 pertaining to the abstract science of finance ; nor do 
 I ever desire to know anything of them practically, 
 feeling assured that the information thus acquired 
 is of a character calculated to exercise an injurious 
 influence upon the moral nature. I do not for a 
 moment wish to reflect upon those honest indivi- 
 duals who devote their whole lives to the acquisi- 
 tion of money and nothing else. Had one of my 
 own ancestors not done so, I should not now be the 
 millionaire I am, and able to write thus of the pur- 
 
SUICIDE. 107 
 
 suit of wealth. But let no man tell me that the 
 supreme indifference to it which I entertain, does 
 not place me upon a higher platform than a gold- 
 hunter can possibly aspire to. When, therefore, I 
 looked forward to an interview with the Honour- 
 able Spiffington Goldtip, I felt that I incurred a 
 very serious responsibility. Not being versed in 
 the Capel Court standard of morality, or being in 
 the habit of treading those delicate lines upon 
 which Spiffy had learnt to balance himself so 
 gracefully, I might, instead of doing him good, be 
 the means of encouraging him in that pecuniary 
 scramble which enabled him to gain a precarious 
 livelihood. 
 
 "After all," I thought, "why not hover about 
 the City with one's hands full of gold, as one used 
 to after dinner at Greenwich, when showers of 
 copper delighted the ragged crowd beneath, and 
 have the fun of seeing all the mud-larking Spiffys, 
 fashionable and snobbish, scrambling in wild con- 
 fusion, and rolling fraternally over each other in 
 the dirt? If I can't convert them, if I must be 
 * done ' by them, I will ' do ' to them as I would 
 be ' done ' by ; and rather than leave them to 
 perish, will adopt an extreme measure, and keep on 
 suffocating them with the mud they delight to revel 
 in, till they cry aloud for help. What a pleasure it 
 would be to wash Spiffy all over afterwards, and 
 
108 PICCADILLY. 
 
 start him fresh and sweet in a new line of life ! " 
 As I said before, I was in my tub myself as I made 
 this appropriate reflection ; then my thoughts in- 
 voluntarily reverted to Chundango. When I had 
 threatened Lady Broadhem with the mercenary 
 spirit of that distinguished Oriental, I inwardly 
 doubted whether, indeed, it were possible for her 
 to propose any pecuniary sacrifice which he was 
 not prepared to make, in order to gain the social 
 prize upon which he had set his heart ; and 1 
 dreaded lest I should have driven her in despair 
 to have recourse to this " dark " alternative, — 
 whether, in order to save the Broadhem family from 
 ruin and disgrace — for I suspected that the papers 
 I had carried away contained evidence that the one 
 was as possible as the other — Ursula would accede 
 to the pressure of the family generally, and of her 
 mother in particular, whose wish none of her 
 children had ever dared to thwart, was a considera- 
 tion which caused me acute anxiety. I must pre- 
 pare myself shortly for a conversation on the 
 subject with Grandon. What should I say to him ? 
 Granting that the means occasionally justify the 
 end, which I do not admit, what would be the use 
 of making a false statement either in the sense that 
 r was, or that I was not, going to marry Ursula ? 
 I f I said I was, he would think me a traitor and 
 her a jilt; if I said I was not, I must go on and 
 
SUICIDE. log 
 
 tell him that the family would be ruined and dis- 
 graced, or that she must marry Chundango to save 
 it. He would obtain comfort neither way. He had 
 evidently not seen the Broadhems, and was there- 
 fore sure now to be in blissful ignorance that any- 
 thing has happened at all. Better leave him so. 
 If he is convinced that Ursula loves him, he would 
 never dream of her accepting me. Even had our 
 acquaintance been longer than it was, before I was 
 so mad as to think of proposing to her, the best 
 thing I can do is certainly to hold my tongue ; but 
 then, I thought, how will he account for my 
 reserve ? what can he think except that it arises 
 from an unworthy motive ? — and I brushed my 
 hair viciously. At that instant I heard a thump 
 at the door, and before I could answer, in walked 
 the subject of my meditation. 
 
 " Well, my dear old fellow," said Grandon, as he 
 grasped my hand warmly, "how mysterious and 
 spasmodic you have been in your movements ! I 
 was afraid even now, if I had not invaded the 
 sanctity of your dressing-room, that you would have 
 slipped through my fingers. I know you have a 
 great deal to tell me, of interest to us both, and we 
 are too fast friends to hesitate to confide in each 
 other on any matters which affect our happiness. 
 True men never have any reticence as between 
 themselves ; they only have recourse to that 
 
I 10 PICCADILLY. 
 
 armour when they happen to be cursed with false 
 friends." I cannot describe my feelings during 
 this speech. How on earth was I to avoid reti- 
 cence ? how show him that I loved and trusted him 
 when I had just been elaborately devising a speech 
 which should tell him nothing ? and I thought of 
 our school and then our college days — how I never 
 seemed to be like other boys or other men of my 
 own age — and how when nobody understood me 
 Grandon did, and how when nobody defended my 
 peculiarities Grandon did — how he protected ancj 
 advised me at first out of sheer compassion, until at 
 last I had become as a younger brother to him. 
 How distressed he was when I gave up diplomacy, 
 and how anxious during the five years that I was 
 exploring in the Far West and gold-digging in 
 Australia ! and how nothing but his letters ever in- 
 duced me to leave the wild reckless life that pos- 
 sessed such a wonderful charm for me ; and how he 
 bore with my wilfulness and vanity — for the faults 
 of my character at such moments would become 
 painfully apparent to me ; and how now I was 
 going to return it all, by allowing him to suppose 
 that I had deliberately plotted against his happi- 
 ness, and ruthlessly sapped the solid foundations 
 upon which our life's friendship had been built. 
 He saw these painful thoughts reflected but too 
 accurately upon my face, for he had been ac- 
 
SUICIDE. Ill 
 
 customed to read it for so many years, and he 
 smiled a look of encouragement and kindliness. 
 "Come," he said, "I will tell you exactly, first, 
 everything I suspect, and then everything I know, 
 and then what I think about it, so that you will 
 have as little of the labour of revelation as possible. 
 First of all, I suspect that you imagine that I had 
 proposed to Lady Ursula Newlyte before we met 
 the other day at Dickiefield : I need not say that in 
 that case I should have told you as much upon the 
 evening we parted ; I pledge you my word I have 
 never uttered a syllable to Lady Ursula from which 
 she could suspect the state of my feelings towards 
 her, and she has never given me any indication that 
 she returned my affection; I therefore did not 
 mention myself when you told me your intention 
 of proposing to her at Dickiefield ; I only do so now 
 in consequence of a letter which I received from 
 Lady Broadhem last night." 
 
 " A letter from Lady Broadhem ? " said I, aghast. 
 
 "Yes," he said, "in which she encloses a copy of 
 one of yours containing a proposal to Lady Ursula, 
 and informs me that you were aware, when you 
 made it, of the difficulties you might have to en- 
 counter through me. She goes on to say that, what- 
 ever may have been her daughter's feelings towards 
 me at one time, they have completely changed, as 
 she at once accepted you ; and she winds up with 
 
112 PICCADILLY. 
 
 the rather unnecessary remark that this is the less to 
 be regretted by me, as under no circumstances would 
 I have obtained either her consent or that of Lord 
 Broadhem. And so," my poor friend went on, but 
 his lips were quivering, and I turned away my eyes 
 to avoid seeing the eObrt it cost him — " and so, you 
 see, my dear Frank, it is all for the best. In the 
 first place, she never loved me. I have too high 
 an opinion of her to suppose that if she had, she 
 would have accepted you ; in the second, she would 
 never have married me against her mother's consent 
 — and so, even if she had loved me, we should have 
 both been miserable ; and thirdly, if there is one 
 thing that could console me under such a blow, it 
 is, that the man she loves, and the family approve, 
 is my dear old friend, who is far more worthy the 
 happiness in store for him than I should have been." 
 He put his hand kindly on my shoulder as his 
 strong voice shook with the force of his suppressed 
 amotion, and I bowed my head. I felt utterly 
 humiliated by a magnanimity so noble, and by a 
 tenderness surpassing that of women. I thanked 
 God at that moment that Lady Ursula did not love 
 me, and I vowed that Lady Broadhem should bit- 
 terly expiate her sins against us both. Here, then, 
 was the secret of her refusing to acknowledge that 
 she had stolen my missing letter at Dickiefield, and 
 this was the precious use she had made of it. The 
 
SUICIDE. 113 
 
 question now was, What was to be done ? But my 
 mind was paralysed — all its strength seemed ex- 
 pended in vowing vengeance against Lady Broad- 
 hem. When I tried to form a sentence of explana- 
 tion to Grandon, my brain refused its functions ; I 
 felt as if I were in a net, and that the slightest 
 movement on my part would entangle me more 
 inextricably in its meshes. The last resolution I 
 had come to before he entered the room was on no 
 account to tell him anything, and this resolution 
 had now become an icUe fixe. I had not clearness 
 of mind at the moment to decide whether it was 
 right or wrong. I felt that when my head was 
 clear I had come to the conclusion that it was 
 best, so I stuck to it now. True, it involved leav- 
 ing him in the delusion that Ursula and I were 
 engaged — but was it altogether certain to remain a 
 delusion ? Did Lady Ursula really care for him ? 
 I had only Lady Broadhem's word for it. Again, 
 had I anything better to give him ? would it be a 
 comfort to him to hear the Chundango alternative ? 
 These in a confused way were the thoughts which 
 flitted across my brain in this moment of doubt and 
 difficulty, so I said nothing. He misinterpreted my 
 silence, and thought me overwhelmed with remorse 
 at the part I had played, " Believe me," he said, 
 " I do not think one particle the worse of yon 
 for what you have done ; I know how difficult it 
 E 
 
114 PICCADILLY. 
 
 is to control one's feelings in moments of passion ; 
 and you see you were quite right not to believe 
 Lady Broadhem when she told you Ursula cared 
 for me." 
 
 " I had already written the letter," [ stammered 
 out. 
 
 " Of course you had : I never supposed you could 
 do the dishonourable thing of hearing she cared 
 about me first, and writing to her afterwards, al- 
 though Lady Broadhem said so. When you did 
 make the discovery that Lady Ursula's affections 
 were not already engaged, you were perfectly right 
 to win her if you could. I only bargain that you 
 ask me to be your best man." 
 
 This was a well-meant but such a very unsuccess- 
 ful attempt at resignation on Grandon's part, that it 
 touched me to the quick. " My dear Grandon," 1 
 said — and I saw my face in the glass opposite, look- 
 ing white and stony with the effort it cost me not 
 to fall upon his neck and cry like a woman — " I 
 solemnly swear, whatever you may think now, that 
 the day will come when you will find that I was 
 worthy the privilege of having been even your friend. 
 I was going to say. Till then, believe me and trust 
 me ; but I need not, for I know that, however 
 unnatural it seems for me to ask you not to allude 
 again to the subject we have just been discussing, 
 you will be satisfied that I would not ask it without 
 
SUICIDE. 115 
 
 having a reason wliicli if you knew you would 
 approve. On my conscience I believe that I am 
 right in reserving from you my full confidence for 
 the first time in my life ; but do not let the fact of 
 one forbidden topic alienate us — let it rather act as 
 another link, hidden for the moment, but whicli 
 may some day prove the most powerful to bind us 
 together." 
 
 Grandon's face lit up with a bright frank smile. 
 " I trust and believe in you from the bottom of my 
 soul, and you shall bury any subject you like till it 
 suits you to exhume it. Come, we will go to break- 
 fast, and I will discourse to you on the political and 
 military expediency of spending £200,000 on the 
 fortifications of Quebec," 
 
 "Well," thought I, as I followed Grandon down- 
 stairs, " for a man who is yearning to be honest, 
 and to do the right thing by everybody, I have got 
 into as elaborate a complication of lies as if I were 
 a Eussian diplomatist. First, I have given both 
 Lady Broadhem and Grandon distinctly to under- 
 stand that I am at this moment engaged to Ursula, 
 which I am not; and secondly, I have solemnly 
 assured that young lady herself that I am conscious 
 of being occasionally mad." 
 
 In this tissue of falsehoods, it is poor consolation 
 to think that the only one in which there may be 
 some foundation of truth is the last. Supposing I 
 
Il6 PICCADILLY. 
 
 was to go in for dishonesty, perhaps 1 could not 
 help telling the truth by the rule of " contraries." 
 I will go and ask the Honourable Spiffington whe- 
 ther he finds this to be the case, and I parted from 
 Grandon in the hope of catching that gentleman 
 before he had betaken himself to his civic haunts. 
 I was too late, and pursued him east of Temple 
 Bar. Here he frequented sundry "board-rooms" 
 of companies which by a figure of speech he helped 
 to " direct," and was also to be found in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Hercules Passage and the narrow streets 
 which surround the Stock Exchange, in the little 
 back dens of pet brokers upon whom he relied for 
 " good things." Spiffy used to collect political ncM's 
 in fashionable circles all through the night and up 
 to an early hour of the morning, and then come into 
 the City with it red-hot, so as to " operate." He 
 was one of the most lively little rabbits to be found 
 in all that big warren of which the Bank is the 
 centre, and popped in and out of the different holes 
 with a quickness that made him very difficult to 
 catch. At last I ran him to a very dingy earth, 
 where he was pausing, seated on a green baize 
 table over a glass of sherry and a biscuit, and 
 chaffing a rising young broker who hoped ulti- 
 mately to be proposed by Spiffy for the Piccadilly 
 Club. He was trying to establish a claim thereto 
 nt)\v, on the strength of having been at IMrs Gorgon 
 
SUICIDE. 117 
 
 Tompkins's ball on the previous evening. "It is 
 rather against you than otherwise," said Spiffy, who 
 was an extremely ofF-hand little fellow, and did not 
 interrupt his discourse after he had nodded to me 
 familiarly ; " I can't afford to take you up yet ; 
 indeed, what have you ever done to merit it ? and 
 Mrs Gorgon Tompkins has enough to do this season 
 to keep her own head above water without attempt- 
 ing to float you. I did what I could for her last 
 night, but she can't expect to go on with her suc- 
 cesses of last year. We had a regular scene at 6 
 A.M. this morning, 'in banquet halls deserted' — 
 tears, and all that sort of thing — nobody present 
 but self, Gorgon, and partner. We took our last 
 year's list, and compared them with the invitations 
 sent out this year. The results were painful ; only 
 the fag-end of the diplomatic corps had responded 
 — none of the great European powers present, and 
 our own Cabinet most slenderly represented. 
 Obliged to resort for young men to the byways 
 and hedges ; no expense spared, and yet the whole 
 affair a miserable failure." 
 
 " Have you tried lobsters boiled in champagne at 
 supper, as a draw ? " said I. 
 
 " No," said Spiffy, looking at me with admiration; 
 " I did not know this sort of thing was in your Kne, 
 Frank." He had not the least right to call me 
 Frank ; but as everybody, whetlier they knew him 
 
Il8 PICCADILLY 
 
 or not, called him Spiffy, he always anticipated this 
 description of familiarity. 
 
 " To tell you the truth, I could pull the Tomp- 
 kinses through another season, but I am keeping all 
 my best ideas for the Bodwinkles. Bodwinkles' first 
 ball is to cost £2000. He wanted me to do it for 
 £1500, and I should have been able to do it for that 
 if Mrs Bodwinkle had had any h's ; but the crenie 
 de la creme require an absence of aspirations to be 
 made up to them somehow. Oh, with the extra 
 £500 I can do it easily," said Spiffy, with an air of 
 self-complacency. " She is a comparatively young 
 woman, you see, without daughters ; that simplifies 
 matters very much. And then Bodwinkle can be so 
 much more useful to political men than Gorgon 
 Tompkins ; the only fear is that he may commit 
 himself at a late hour at the supper-table, but I have 
 hit on a notion which will overcome all these pos- 
 sible contretem'ps" 
 
 " What is that ? " said I, curiously. 
 
 " In confidence, I don't mind telling you, as you 
 are not in the line yourself ; but it is a master-stroke 
 of genius. Like all great ideas, its merit lies in its 
 simplicity." 
 
 " Don't keep us any longer in suspense ; T pro- 
 mise not to appropriate it." 
 
 "Well," said Spiffy, triumphantly, "T am going 
 to paij the aristocracy to come ! " 
 
SUICIDE. 119 
 
 " Pay them ! " said I, really astounded ; " how 
 on earth are you going to get them to take the 
 money ? " 
 
 " Ah, that is the secret. Wait till the Bodwinkles' 
 ball. You will see how delicately I shall contrive 
 it ; a great deal more neatly than you do when you 
 leave your doctor's fee mysteriously wrapped in 
 paper upon his mantelpiece. I shall no more hurt 
 that high sense of honour, and that utter absence of 
 anything like snobbism which characterises the best 
 London Society, than a French cook would offend 
 the nostrils of his guests with an overpowering odour 
 of garlic ; but it is a really grand idea." 
 
 "Worthy of Julius Caesar, Charlemagne, or the 
 first Napoleon," said I ; " posterity will recognise you 
 as a social giant with a mission, if the small men 
 and the envious of the present day refuse to do so." 
 
 " I don't mind telling you," SpifFy went on, " that 
 the idea first occurred to me in a Scotch donkey- 
 circus, where I won, as a prize for entering the show, 
 a red plush M^aistcoat worth five shillings. The fact 
 is, Bodwinkle is so anxious to get people, he would 
 go to any expense ; he has even offered me a com- 
 mission on all the accepted invitations I send out 
 for him, graduated on a scale proportioned to the 
 rank of the acceptor. I am afraid it would not be 
 considered quite the right thing to take it ; what do 
 you think ? " 
 
I20 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " I doubt whether society would stand that. Yoa 
 must bring them to it gradually. At i^resent, I feel 
 sure they would draw the line at a ' commission.' 
 Apropos of the Bodwinkles, I want to have a little 
 private conversation with you." 
 
 " I am awfully done," said Spiffy. " I never went 
 to bed at all last night. I got some information 
 about Turkish certificates before I went to the 
 Tompkinses ; then I stayed there till past six, and 
 had to come on here at ten to turn what I knew to 
 account. However, go ahead ; what is it in ? Jones 
 here will do it for you. No need of mystery between 
 us. ' Cosmopolitan district ' is the sort of thing I 
 can conscientiously recommend — I'll tell you why : 
 I went down to the lobby of the House last night on 
 purpose to hear what the fellows were saying who 
 prowl about there pushing what my wretched tailor 
 would call ' a little bill ' through Committee. It is 
 becoming a sort of 'ring/ and the favourites last 
 night were light Cosmopolitans." 
 
 " What on earth are they as distinguished from 
 heavy ? " I asked. 
 
 "Jones, show his lordship the stock-list," said 
 Spiffy, with a swagger. 
 
 The investigation of the " list " completely bewil- 
 dered me. Why a £10 share should be worth £19, 
 and a £100 share worth £99, 10s., in the same com- 
 
SUICIDE. 121 
 
 pany, was not evident on the face of the document 
 before me, so I looked into Spiffy's. 
 
 " Puzzling, isn't it ? " said Spiffy. 
 
 " Very," I replied. " Now tell me," and I turned 
 innocently towards Mr Jones, for Spiffy's expression 
 was secretive and mysterious — " explain to me how 
 it is that a share upon which only £10 has been 
 paid, should be so much more valuable than one 
 which has been fully paid up." 
 
 " Ask the syndicate," said Jones, looking at Spiffy 
 in a significant way. 
 
 I felt quite startled, for I expected to see a group 
 of foreigners composing this institution walk into 
 the room. It was not until I had looked again to 
 Spiffy for information, and was met by the single 
 open eye of that gentleman, that I drew an inference 
 and a very long breath. 
 
 " Spiffy," I said, " I am getting stifled — the moral 
 atmosphere of this place is tainted ; take me to the 
 sweetest board-room in the neighbourhood — I want 
 to speak to you on private business." 
 
 " Haven't time," said Spiffy, looking at his watch. 
 
 "Not to settle little Lady Lroadhem's little affair?" 
 said I, in a whisper. 
 
 Spiffy got uncommonly pale, but recovered him- 
 self in a second. " All right, old fellow ; " and he 
 poured a few hurried words in an incomprehensible 
 
122 PICCADILLY. 
 
 dialect into Jones's ear, and led the way to the 
 Suburban Washing-ground Company's board-room, 
 which was the most minute apartment of the kind I 
 had ever seen. 
 
 I shall not enter into the particulars of what 
 passed between Spiffy and myself on this occasion. 
 In the first place, it is so dry that it would boie 
 you; in the second place, it was so complicated, 
 and Spiffy's explanations seemed to complicate it 
 so much the more, that I could not make it clear to 
 you if I wished ; and, in the last, I do not feel jus- 
 tified in divulging all Lady Broadhem's money dif- 
 ficulties and private crises. Suf&ce it to say, that in 
 the course of our conversation Spiffy was obliged to 
 confide to me many curious facts connected with 
 his own line of life, and more especially with the 
 peculiar functions which he exercised in his capacity 
 of a "syndic," under the seal of solemn secrecy. 
 Without the hold over him which this little insight 
 into his transactions has given me, I should not be 
 able to report so much of our conversation as I have. 
 Nevertheless I thought it right to tell him how much 
 of it he would shortly see in print. 
 
 "Gracious, Frank," said Spiffy, petrified with 
 alarm, "you don't mean to say you are going to 
 publish all I told you about the Gorgon Tompkinses 
 and the Bodwinkles ? How am I ever to keep them 
 going if you do ? Besides, there are a number of 
 
SUICIDE. 123 
 
 other fellows in the same line as I am. Just con- 
 ceive tlie injury you will inflict upon society gene- 
 rally — nobody will thank you. The rich ' middles ' 
 who are looking forward to this kind of advance- 
 ment will be furious ; all of us ' promoters ' will 
 hate you, and 'la haute' will probably cut you. 
 Why can't you keep quiet, instead of trying to get 
 yourself and everybody else into hot water ? " 
 
 " Spiffy," said I, solemnly, " when I devoted my- 
 self to ' mission work,' as they call it in Exeter 
 Hall, I counted the cost, as you will see on refer- 
 ring back to my first chapter. I am still only at 
 the beginning. I have a long and heavy task 
 before me ; but my only excuse for remaining in 
 society is that I am labouring for its regeneration." 
 
 " You won't remain in it long," said Spiffy, " if 
 
 you carry on in your present line. What do you 
 
 want to do ? Eradicate snobbism from the British 
 
 breast ? — never ! We should all, from the highest 
 
 ' to the lowest, perish of inanition without it." 
 
 "Society," said I, becoming metaphorical, "is 
 like a fluid which is pervaded by that ingredient 
 which you call ' snobbism,' the peculiarity of which 
 \ is that you find it in equal perfection when it sinks 
 to the bottom and becomes dregs, and when it rises 
 to the surface and becomes creme — though of course 
 it undergoes some curious chemical changes, accord- 
 ing to its position. However, that is only one of 
 
124 PICCADILLY. 
 
 the elements wliicli pollute what should be a tran- 
 sparent fluid, I am subjecting it just now to a 
 most minute and careful analysis, and I feel sure I 
 shall succeed in obtaining an interesting 'precipi- 
 tate.' I do most earnestly trust both you and the 
 world at large will profit by my experiments." 
 
 "Frank, you are a lunatic," said Spiffy, with a 
 yawn, for I was beginning to bore him. " I sup- 
 pose I can't help your publishing what you like, 
 only you will do yourself more harm than me. 
 Let me know when society has ' precipitated ' you 
 out of it, and I will come and see you. Nobody 
 else will. Good-bye ! " 
 
 " He calls me a lunatic," I murmured, as I went 
 down -stairs; "I thought that I should be most 
 likely to hear the truth by applying to the Honour- 
 able Spiffington." 
 
 The same reasons which have compelled me to 
 maintain a certain reserve in relating my conversa- 
 tion with this gentleman prevent me fully describ- 
 ing the steps which I am at present taking to 
 arrange Lady Broadhem's affairs, and which will 
 occupy me during the Easter recess. Now, thank 
 goodness, I think I see my way to preventing the 
 grand crash which she feared, but I decline to state 
 the amount of my own fortune which will be 
 sacrificed in the operation. The great inconveni- 
 ence of the whole proceeding is the secrecy which 
 
SUICIDE. 125 
 
 it necessarily involves. Grandon is under the im- 
 pression that I am gambling on the Stock Ex- 
 change, and is miserable in consequence, because 
 he fancies I add to that sin the more serious one 
 of denying it. Lady Ursula, whom I have avoided 
 seeing alone, but who knows that I am constantly 
 plotting in secret with her mothei, is no doubt be- 
 ginning to think that I am wicked as well as mad, 
 and is evidently divided between the secret obliga- 
 tion of keeping the secret of my insanity, and her 
 dread lest in some way or other her mother should 
 be the victim of it. Lady Bridget is unmistakably 
 afraid of me. The other day when I went into the 
 drawing-room and found her alone, she turned as 
 pale as a sheet, jumped up, and stammered out 
 something about going to find mamma, and rushed 
 out of the room. Did I not believe in Ursula as in 
 my own existence, I could almost fancy she had be- 
 trayed me. Then there is Broadhem. He is utterly 
 puzzled. He knows that I am come to pull the 
 family out of the mess, and put his own cherished 
 little person into a financially sound condition; and 
 he is equally well assured that I would not make 
 this sacrifice without feeling certain of marrying his 
 sister. But, in the first place, that any man should 
 sacrifice anything, either for his sister or any other 
 woman, is a mystery to Broadhem ; and, in the 
 second, I strongly suspect that Ursula has said 
 
126 PICCADILLY. 
 
 something which makes him very doubtful whether 
 she is engaged to me or not. Poor girl ! I feel for 
 her. Was ever a daughter and sister before placed 
 in the embarrassing position of leaving her own 
 mother and brother in the delusion that she was 
 engaged to be married to a man who had never 
 breathed to her the subject of his love, much less of 
 matrimony? Then Spiffy and Lady Broadhem's 
 lawyer both look upon the marriage as settled : 
 how else can they account for the trouble I am 
 taking, and the liberality I am displaying ? There 
 is something mysterious, moreover, in the terms 
 upon which I am in the house. Lady Broadhem is 
 beginning to think it unnatural that I should not 
 care to see more of Ursula ; and whenever she is 
 not quite absorbed with considering her own affairs, 
 is making the arrangement known among mammas 
 by the expression, " bringing the young people to- 
 gether " — as if any young people who really cared 
 to be together, could not bring themselves together 
 without mamma or anybody else interfering. For- 
 tunately Lady Broadhem is so much more taken up 
 with her own speculations than with either her 
 daughter's happiness or mine, that I am always 
 able to give the conversation a City turn when she 
 broaches the delicate subject of Ursula. How 
 Ursula manages on these occasions I cannot con- 
 ceive, but I do my best to prevent Lady Broadhem 
 
SUICIDE. 127 
 
 talking about me to her, as I always say mysteri- 
 ously, that if she does, " it will spoil everything " — 
 an alarming phrase, which produces an immediate 
 effect. Still it is quite clear that this kind of thing 
 can't continue long. If I can only keep matters 
 going for a few days more, they will all be out of 
 town for Easter, and that will give me time to 
 breathe. As it is, it is impossible to shut my eyes 
 to the fact, that my best friend is beginning to doubt 
 me — that the girl I love dreads me — and that the 
 rest of the family, and those sufficiently connected 
 with it to observe my proceedings, either pity, 
 laugh at, or despise me. This, however, by no 
 means prevents their using their utmost endeavours 
 to ruin me. That is the present state of matters. 
 The situation cannot remain unchanged during the 
 next four weeks. Have I your sympathies, dear 
 reader ? Do you wish me well out of it ? 
 
us 
 
 PART IV. 
 
 THE WORLD. 
 
 Piccadilly, May. 
 The great difficulty which I find in this record of 
 my eventful existence is, that I have too much to 
 say. The sensations of my life will not distribute 
 themselves properly. It is quite impossible for me 
 to cram all that I think, say, and do every month 
 into the limited space at my disposal. Thus I am 
 positively overwhelmed with the brilliant dialogues, 
 the elevating reflections, and the thrilling incidents, 
 all of which I desire to relate. No one who has 
 not tried this sort of thing can imagine the chrono- 
 logical, to say nothing of the crinological, difficul- 
 ties in which I find myself. For instance, the in- 
 cidents which occupied the whole of my last chap- 
 ter took place in twenty-four hours, and yet how 
 could I have left out either the poison-scene, or my 
 interview with Grandon, or Spiffy's interesting 
 social projects ? j\Iuch better have left out the 
 
THE WORLD. 129 
 
 poison-scene, say some of my critical friends. It 
 was not natural — too grotesque; but is that my 
 fault ? If nature has jammed me into a most un- 
 natural and uncomfortable niche in that single step 
 which is said to lead from the sublime to the ridi- 
 culous, am I responsible for it? If, instead of 
 taking merely a serio-comic view of life, like some 
 of my acquaintances, I regard it from a tragic- 
 burlesque aspect, how can I help it ? I did not put 
 my ideas into my own head, nor invent the extraor- 
 dinary things that happen to me, — and this is the 
 reflection which renders me so profoundly indiffer- 
 ent to criticism. I shall have reviewers finding out 
 that I am inconsistent with myself, and not true to 
 nature here — as, for instance, when I fell violently 
 in love with Ursula in one evening ; or to the first 
 principles of art there — as when I wrote to propose 
 to her next morning : as if both art and nature 
 could not take care of themselves without my 
 bothering my head about them. Once for all, then, 
 my difficulties do not arise from this source at all ; 
 they are, as I have said before, of the most simple 
 character. In fact, they resolve themselves into 
 Kant's two great a "priori ideas, time and space. 
 Now I could quite easily run on in the moral re- 
 flective vein to the end of the chapter, but then 
 what should I do with the conversations which I 
 ought to record, but to which I shall not be able to 
 r 
 
130 PICCADILLY. 
 
 do justice, because I am so bound and fettered by the 
 chain of my narrative ? What an idea of weakness 
 it conveys of an author who talks of " the thread of 
 his narrative ! " I even used to feel it when I was 
 in the diplomatic service, and received a severe 
 " wigging " once for writing in one of my despatches, 
 " My lord, I have the honour to resume the 'tape' of 
 my narrative" — so wedded is the Foreign Office to 
 the traditions of its own peculiar style. I w^as glad 
 afterwards they kept me to " the thread," as when I 
 wanted finally to break it I found no difficulty. By 
 the way, after I have done with society, I am going 
 to take up the departments of the public service. 
 If I let them alone just now, it is only because I am 
 so desperately in love, and my love is so desperately 
 hopeless; and the whole thing is in such a mess, 
 that one mess is enough. At present I am setting 
 my dwelling-house in order. When that is done I 
 will go to work to clean out the " offices." 
 
 I may also allude here to another somewhat em- 
 barrassing circumstance which, had I not the good 
 of my fellow-creatures at heart, might interfere with 
 the progress of my narrative ; and this is the mor- 
 bid satisfaction which it seems to afford some 
 people to claim for themselves the credit of being 
 the most disagreeable or unworthy of those indi- 
 viduals with whom I am at present in contact. 
 They would pretend, for instance, that there is no 
 
THE WORLD. 131 
 
 sucli person in society as Spiffington Goldtip, but 
 that I mean him to represent some one else ; and 
 they take the ' Court Guide,' and find that no Lady 
 Broadhem lives in Grosvenor Square, so they sup- 
 pose that she too stands for some one else who does. 
 Now, if I hear much of this sort of thing I shall 
 stop altogether. In the first place, neither Spiffy 
 nor Lady Broadhem will like it ; and in the second, 
 it is very disagreeable to me to be supposed to cari- 
 cature my acquaintances under false names. The 
 cap is made a great deal too large to fit any par- 
 ticular individual, so there is no use in trying it 
 on ; but when, perchance, I find groups of people 
 acting unworthily, I should be falling into the same 
 error for which I blame the parsonic body of the 
 present day, if I shrank from exposing and cutting 
 straight into the sores that they are fain to plaster 
 and conceal. In these days of amateur preaching 
 in theatres and other unconsecrated buildings, I feel 
 I owe no apology to my clerical brethren for taking 
 their congregations in hand after they have quite 
 done with them. 
 
 People may call me a " physician " or any other 
 name they like, and tell me to heal myself ; but it 
 is quite clear that a sick physician who needs rest, 
 and yet devotes all his time and energies to the 
 curing of his neighbours, is a far more unselfish 
 individual than one who waits to do it till he is 
 
132 PICCADILLY. 
 
 robust. Therefore, if I am caught doing myself the 
 very things I find fault with in others, " that has 
 nothing at all to do with it," as Lady Broadhem 
 always says when all her arguments are exhausted. 
 Those of my readers who have taken an interest 
 in her ladyship's speculations and in my endeavours 
 to extricate her from her pecuniary embarrassments, 
 may conceive our feelings upon hearing of the sur- 
 render of General Lee. I regret to say that, in 
 spite of every device which the experience of Spiffy, 
 of Lady Broadhem's lawyer, and of Lady B. herself 
 could suggest, her liabilities have increased to such 
 an extent in consequence of the rapid fall of Con- 
 federate stock, that I was obliged to take advantage 
 of the Easter recess to run over to Ireland to make 
 arrangements for selling an extremely encumbered 
 estate which I purchased as a speculation some 
 years ago, but have never before visited. This trip 
 has given me an opportunity of enabling me tho- 
 roughly to master the Irish question, I need 
 scarcely say how much I was surprised at the 
 prosperous condition of the peasants of Connemara 
 after the accounts I had received of them. When 
 I " surveyed " my own estate, which consists of 
 seven miles of uninterrupted rock, I regarded with 
 admiration the population who could find the 
 means of subsistence upon it, and whose rags were 
 frequently of a very superior quality. I also felt 
 
THE WORLD. 133 
 
 how creditable it was to the British Government, 
 that by a judicious system of legislation it should 
 succeed in keeping people comparatively happy and 
 contented, whose principal occupation seemed to 
 me to consist in wading about the sea-beach look- 
 ing for sea-weed, and whose diet was composed of 
 what they found there. That every Irishman I 
 met should expect me to lament with him the de- 
 crease by emigration in the population of a nation 
 which subsists chiefly on peat and periwinkles, 
 illustrated in a striking manner the indifference 
 which the individuals of this singular race have for 
 each other's sufferings ; and it is quite a mistake, 
 therefore, to suppose that absentee landlords, who 
 are for the most part Irish, live away from their 
 properties because they are so susceptible to the 
 sight of distress that they cannot bear to look upon 
 their own tenantry. To an Englishman nothing 
 is more consoling than to feel that the Irish 
 question is essentially an Irish question, and that 
 Englishmen have nothing at all to do with it 
 — that the tenant-right question is one between 
 Irish landlords and Irish tenants — that the re- 
 ligious question is one between Irish Catholics 
 and Irish Protestants — and that the reason that no 
 Englishman can understand them is, because they 
 are Irish, and inverted brains would be necessary 
 to their comprehension. These considerations im- 
 
134 PICCADILLY. 
 
 pressed themselves forcibly upon my notice at a 
 meeting of the National League, which I attended 
 in Dublin, the object of which was to secure the 
 national independence of Ireland, and to free it 
 from the tyranny of British rule. One of the 
 speakers made out so strong a case for England, 
 that I could only account for it by the fact that he 
 was an Irishman arguing the case of his own coun- 
 try. " How," he asked, " is the English Parliament 
 to know our grievances, when out of 105 members 
 that we send up to it, there are not two who are 
 honest ? Why is not the O'Donoghue in the chair 
 to-day? he is the only real patriot, and we can't 
 trust him. Why are the Irish Protestants not true 
 to themselves and the cause ? Why, in fact, is 
 there not a single man of the smallest position and 
 influence either on the platform or in the body of 
 the house, except myself, who am a magistrate of 
 the county of Cork, and therefore unable to advo- 
 cate those violent measures by which alone our 
 liberties are to be gained ? Is it because we have 
 got them already ? No ; but because Irishmen do 
 not care a farthing about them. Shame on them 
 for their apathy," &c. It was pleasant to listen to 
 this Irish patriot inveighing against his country- 
 men, and finally making England responsible for 
 Irishmen being what they are. Bless them ! my 
 heart warmed towards them as I saw them at 
 
THE WORLD. 135 
 
 Queenstowii trooping on board an emigrant -ship, 
 looking ruddy and prosperous, bound on the use- 
 ful errand of propagating Fenianism, of exhibiting 
 themselves as choice specimens of an oppressed 
 nationality, and of devoting their brilliant political 
 instincts, their indefatigable industry, and their 
 judicial calmness, to the service of that country 
 which is at present in danger of suffering from a 
 determination of blood to the head in the person of 
 Andy Johnson. If anythicg can trim that some- 
 what crank craft " United States," let us hope that 
 it will be by taking in Irishmen at the rate of one 
 thousand per week to serve as ballast ; for most 
 certainly the best means of increasing the sailing 
 qualities of the leaky old tub, "British Constitu- 
 tion," will be by inducing the ballast aforesaid to 
 throw itself overboard. I was pitching and rolling 
 abominably between Kingston and Holyhead as I 
 drew this appropriate nautical parallel, and was not 
 in a mood to relish the following announcement, 
 which appeared in the pages of a fashionable organ, 
 that happened to be the first jouimal I bought in 
 England : — 
 
 "We are in a position to state that a marriage 
 is arranged between Lord Frank Vanecourt, M.P., 
 second son of the late Duke of Dunderhead, and 
 Lady Ursula Newlyte, eldest daughter of the late 
 Earl of Broadhem." 
 
136 PICCADILLY. 
 
 How I envied " our position," and what a very 
 different one mine was ! However, the notice served 
 its purpose, for it prepared me for what I sliould 
 have to encounter in London — the sort of running 
 fire of congratulation I must expect to undergo all 
 along Piccadilly, down St James's Street, and along 
 Pall Mall. Should I simper a coy admission, or 
 storm out an indignant denial ? On the whole, the 
 most judicious line seemed to be to do each alter- 
 nately. The prospect of puzzling the gossip- 
 mongers generally almost consoled me for the 
 feeling of extreme annoyance which I had experi- 
 enced. " The imbroglio must clear itself at last/' 
 thought I, " but it will be a curious amusement to 
 see how long I can keep it from doing so ; " and I 
 bought an evening paper as I approached London, 
 by way of distracting my mind. The first news 
 which thrilled me as I opened it was the announce- 
 ment of the assassination of President Lincoln. I 
 am not going to moralise on this event now, and 
 only allude to it as it affects the story of my own 
 life. It saved me that evening from the embarrass- 
 ment I had anticipated ; for even when I went to 
 the Cosmopolitan, I found everybody listening to 
 Mr Wog, so that nobody cared about my private 
 affairs, and it induced Lady Broadhem to make a 
 secret expedition into the City of a speculative 
 nature next morning, as T accidentally discovered 
 
THE WORLD. 137 
 
 from Spiffy. It is not impossible tliat the know- 
 ledge of this breach of faith on her part may prove 
 a valuable piece of information to me. 
 
 I sauntered into " the Piccadilly " on the follow- 
 ing afternoon, armed at all points, and approached 
 the bay-window, in which I observed Broadhem and 
 / several others seated round the table, with the ut- 
 most insouciance. They had evidently just talked 
 my matter over, for my appearance caused a mo- 
 mentary pause, and then a general chorus of greet- 
 ing. Broadhem, with an air of charming naivet4 
 and brotherly regard, almost rushed into my arms ; 
 but his presence restrained that general expression 
 of frank opinion on the part of the rest of the com- 
 pany, with reference to my luck, with which the 
 fortunate fianc4 is generally greeted. Still, the 
 characters of my different so-called " friends," and 
 their forms of congratulation, were amusing to 
 watch. There was the patronising, rather elderly 
 style — " My dear Vanecourt, I can't tell you how 
 happy the news has made me. I was just saying to 
 Broadhem," — and so on; then the free and easy 
 " Frank, old fellow " and " slap on the back " stylo ; 
 then the " knowing shot " and " poke in the ribs " 
 style ; then the " feelings too much for me " style — 
 severe pressure of the hands, and silence, accom- 
 panied by upturned eyes ; then the " serious change 
 of state and heavy responsibilities" style. Oh, I 
 
138 PICCADILLY. 
 
 know them all, and am thankful to say the peciiliar 
 versatility of my talents enabled me to give as 
 many different answers as there are styles. I am 
 not such a fool as not to know exactly what all my 
 friends said of the match behind my back : " Sharp 
 old woman, Lady Broadhem ; she'll make that flat, 
 Frank Vanecourt, pay all the Broadhem debts ;" or, 
 " Odd thing it is that such a nice girl as Ursula 
 Newlyte should throw herself away on such a 
 maniac as Frank Vanecourt ; " then, " Oh, she'd 
 marry anybody to get away from such a mother ; " 
 again, " I always thought Vanecourt a fool, but I 
 never supposed he would have deliberately sub- 
 mitted to be bled by the Broadhems." That is the 
 sort of thing that will go on with variations in every 
 drawing-room in London for the next few evenings. 
 Now I am striking out quite a new line to meet the 
 humbug, the hypocrisy, the scandal, and the ill-nature 
 of which both Ursula and myself are the subjects. 
 Thus, when Broadhem greeted me in the presence of 
 the company, after I had received their congratula- 
 tions with a good deal of ambiguous embarrassment, 
 I appeared to be a little overcome, and, linking my 
 arm in that of my future brother-in-law, walked him 
 out of the room. " My dear Broadhem," said I, " for 
 reasons which it is not necessary for me now to 
 enter into, but which are connected with the pe- 
 cuniary arrangements I am making to put your 
 
THE WORLD. 139 
 
 family matters straight, this announcement is a 
 most unfortunate occurrence — we must take mea- 
 sures to contradict it immediately," 
 
 " Why," said Broadhem, " if it is the case, as you 
 know it is, I don't see the harm of announcing it. 
 To tell you the truth, I think it ought to have been 
 announced sooner, and that you have been putting 
 Ursula lately in rather a false position, by seeming 
 to avoid her so much in society, because, you know, 
 it has been talked of for some time past." 
 
 " Ah, then, I fancy the announcement was made 
 on your authority," I said. " It is a pity, as I had 
 made up my mind to postpone the ceremony until 
 I had not only completed all my arrangements for 
 putting your family matters square, but could ac- 
 tually see my way towards gradually clearing off 
 the more pressing liabilities with which the estate 
 is encumbered. You know what a crotchety fellow 
 I am. Now, my plan is, clear everything off first, 
 and marry afterwards; and unless you positively 
 contradict the report of my marriage with your 
 sister, I shall immediately countermand the instruc- 
 tions under which my lawyers are acting, and take 
 no further steps whatever in the matter." I felt a 
 malicious pleasure in watching Broadhem's face 
 during this speech, as I was sure that he had done 
 his best to spread the report of my marriage with 
 his sister for fear of my backing out, and escaping 
 
I40 PICCADILLY. 
 
 from my obligations in respect to his financial em- 
 barrassments. It is only fair to him to state, tliat 
 these were none of his own creating — he had been 
 a perfect model of steadiness all his life. " It will 
 be pleasanter for us both/' I went on, " that the 
 world should never be able to say, after my marriage 
 with your sister, that you and your mother continue 
 to live upon us. Now, I tell you fairly, that, for 
 family reasons, this premature announcement ren- 
 ders it impossible for me to proceed with those ar- 
 rangements which must precede my connection with 
 your family." 
 
 Broadhem's face grew very long while he listened 
 to this speech. " But," he said, " it is not fair to 
 Ursula that everybody should suppose that you are 
 engaged to her, and refuse to acknowledge it." 
 
 " Pray, whose fault is it," said I, " that anybody 
 supposes anything about it ? I have never told a 
 soul that I was engaged to be married, and if you 
 and your mother choose to go spreading unauthor- 
 ised reports, you must take the consequences ; but" 
 — and a sudden inspiration flashed upon me — " I 
 will tell you what I will do, I will be guided en- 
 tirely by Lady Ursula's wishes in the matter. If 
 she wishes the report contradicted, I must insist 
 most peremptorily on both Lady Broadhem and 
 yourself taking the necessary steps to stop the 
 public gossip ; but if she is willing that the mar- 
 
THE WORLD. I4I 
 
 riage should be announced, I pledge you my word 
 that I will allow no preconceived plans to influence 
 me, or pecuniary difficulties to stand in the way, 
 but will do whatever she, your mother, and yourself 
 wish." 
 
 "Very well," said Broadhem, "that sounds fair 
 enough. I'll go and see Ursula at once." 
 
 " Not quite so fast ; please take me with you," 1 
 said. " As it is a matter most closely affecting my 
 future happiness, I must be present at the interview, 
 and so must Lady Broadhem." 
 
 " I don't think that is an arrangement which will 
 suit Ursula at all. In fact, both she and my mother 
 are so incomprehensible and mysterious, that I am 
 sure they will object to any such meeting. When- 
 ever I have spoken to my mother about it, she 
 always meets me with, ' For goodness' sake, don't 
 breathe a word to Ursula, or you will spoil all ;' and 
 when, in defiance of this injunction, I did speak to 
 Ursula, she said, in a lackadaisical way, that she 
 had no intention of marrying any one at present ; 
 and when I went on to say that in that case she 
 had no business to accept you, she asked me what 
 reason I had for supposing that she ever had done 
 so ; and when I said, ' tlie assurance of my mother's 
 ears in the drawing-room at Dickiefield,' she stared at 
 me with amazement, and burst into a flood of tears." 
 
 " Under these circumstances, don't you think you 
 
142 PICCADILLY, 
 
 would have done better not to meddle in the matter 
 at all ? " I remarked. " However, the mischief is 
 done now, and perhaps the best plan will be for you 
 to bring about a meeting between your sister and 
 myself. I suppose whatever we arrange will satisfy 
 you and Lady Broadhem ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't know," said Broadhem, doubtfully ; 
 " she does not seem to know her own mind, and I 
 don't feel very sure of you. However, you are 
 master of the situation, and can arrange what you 
 like. My mother is going to a May meeting at 
 Exeter Hall to-morrow to hear Caribbee Islands and 
 Chundango hold forth. I know the latter is to call 
 for her at eleven, so if you will come at half-past, I 
 will take care that you have an opportunity of 
 seeing Ursula alone." 
 
 This conversation took place as we were strol- 
 ling arm-in-arm down St James's Street on our way 
 to the House, thereby enabling the groups of our 
 friends who inspected us from divers club-windows 
 to assert confidently the truth of the report. 
 
 Just as I was parting from Broadhem at the 
 door of the lobby we were accosted suddenly by 
 Grandon, He looked very pale as he grasped my 
 hand and nodded to my companion, who walked 
 off towards " another place " without waiting for a 
 further greeting. " I suppose, now that your mar- 
 riage is publicly announced, Prank, it need no 
 
THE WORLD. I43 
 
 longer be a tabooed subject between us, and that 
 you will receive my congratulations." 
 
 My first impulse was to assure him that the 
 announcement was unauthorised so far as I was 
 concerned, but the prospect of the impending in- 
 terview with Ursula restrained me, and I felt com- 
 pletely at a loss. " Don't you think, Grandon," I 
 said, " that I should have told you as much as 
 gossip tells the public, had I felt myself entitled to 
 do so ? I only ask you to trust me for another 
 twenty-four hours, and I will tell you everything." 
 
 Grandon looked stern. " You are bound not to 
 allow the report to go one moment uncontradicted 
 if there is nothing in it ; and if there is, you are 
 now equally bound to acknowledge it." 
 
 " Surely," I said, in rather a piqued tone, 
 " Broadhem is as much interested in the matter as 
 you are, and he is satisfied with my conduct." 
 
 "I tell you fairly I am not," said Grandon. 
 "You will do Lady Ursula a great injustice, and 
 yourself a great injury, if you persist in a course 
 which is distinctly dishonourable." 
 
 At that moment who should come swaggering 
 across the lobby where we happened to be standing 
 but Larkington and Dick Helter ! " Well, Frank, 
 when is it to be ? " said the latter. " You were 
 determined to take the world by surprise, and T 
 must congratulate you on your success." 
 
144 PICCADILLY. 
 
 "Thanks," said I, calmly, for I was smaitlng 
 under Grandon's last words : " the day is not yet 
 fixed. What between Lady Broadhem's scruples 
 about Lent and some arrangements I had to make 
 in Ireland, there has been a good deal of delay, but 
 I think," I went on, with a slight simper, " that it 
 has nearly come to an end." 
 
 " There," said I to Grandon, when they had 
 favoured me with a few hanalites, and passed on, 
 " that is explicit enough, surely ; will that satisfy 
 you, or do you like this style better ? " and I turned 
 to receive Bower and Scraper, who generally hunt 
 tufts and scandal in couples, and were advancing 
 towards us with much cmpressement. 
 
 " My dear Lord Frank, charmed to see you ; no 
 wonder you are looking beaming, for you are the 
 luckiest man in London," said Bower. 
 
 " How so ? " said I, looking unconscious. 
 
 " Come, come," said Scraper, and he winked at me 
 respectfully ; " we have known all about it for the 
 last two months. I got it out of Lord Broadhem 
 very early in the day." 
 
 " Then you got a most deliberate and atrocious 
 fabrication, for I suppose you mean the report of 
 my marriage to his sister, and I beg you will con- 
 tradict it most emphatically whenever you hear it," 
 said I, very stiffly. And I walked on into tlie 
 
THE WORLD. I45 
 
 House, leaving Grandon more petrified than the 
 two little toadies I had snubbed. I can generally 
 listen to Gladstone when he is engaged in keeping 
 the House in suspense over the results of his arith- 
 metical calculations; but the relative merits of a 
 reduction of the tax on tea and on malt fell flat on 
 my ears that evening, and even the consideration of 
 twopence in the pound off the income-tax failed to 
 exercise that soothing influence on my mind which 
 it seemed to produce on those around. I looked in 
 vain for Grandon; his accustomed seat remained 
 empty, and I felt deeply penitent and miserable. 
 What is there in my nature that prompts me, when 
 I am trying to act honestly and nobly, to be im- 
 practicable and perverse ? Grandon could not 
 know the extent of the complication in which I am 
 involved, and was right in saying what he did ; yet 
 I could no more at the moment help resenting it as 
 I did, than a man in a passion who is struck can 
 help returning the blow. Then the fertility and 
 readiness of invention which the demon of perverse- 
 uess that haunts me invariably displays, fairly 
 puzzles me. And you too, I thought, as I looked 
 up and saw little Scraper whispering eagerly to 
 Dick Helter, who was regarding me with a be- 
 wildered look, quite unconscious that the Chan- 
 cellor of the Exchequer had become poetical in 
 K 
 
146 PICCADILLY. 
 
 regard to rags, and was announcing that we were 
 about 
 
 " To serve as model for the mighty world, 
 And be the fair begiiiuing of a time," 
 
 — "ah," thought I, as I gazed on that brilliant and 
 ingenious orator, " he is the only man in the House, 
 who, if he was in such a mess as I am, would find 
 a way out of it." 
 
 My first impulse on the following morning, be- 
 fore going to Grosvenor Square, was to go and 
 apologise to Grandon ; and I had an additional 
 reason for doing so after reading the following para- 
 graph in the ' Morning Post ' : — 
 
 " The Earl and Countess of Whitechapel had the 
 honour of entertaining at dinner last night the 
 Marquess and Marchioness of Scilly, the Countess 
 (Dowager) of Broadhem, the Earl of Broadhem and 
 Lady Ursula Newlyte, Mr and Lady Jane Helter, 
 Lord Grandon, the Honourable Spiffiugtou Goldtip, 
 and Mr Scraper." 
 
 To have made it thoroughly unlucky I ouglit to 
 have been there as a thirteenth. As it is, I 
 wonder what conclusion the company in general 
 arrived at in reference to the affair in which I am 
 so nearly interested, and I told them off in the 
 order in which they must have gone in to dinner. 
 The Scillys and Whitechapels paired off; Helter 
 took down old Lady Broadhem ; Broadhem took 
 
THE WORLD. 147 
 
 Lady Jane; Grandon, Lady Ursula; and Spiffy 
 and Scraper brought up the rear. I pictured the 
 delight with which Helter would mystify Lady 
 Broadhem, by allowing her to extract from him 
 what he had heard first from me and then from 
 Scraper, and how Spiffy and Scraper would each 
 pretend to have the right version of the story, and 
 be best informed on this important matter. All 
 this was easy enough, but my imagination failed to 
 suggest what probably passed between Grandon and 
 Ursula; so I screwed up my courage and deter- 
 mined to go up to Graudon's room and find out 
 We often used to breakfast together, and I sent up 
 my servant to tell him to expect me. Under the 
 circumstances I thought it right to give him the 
 opportunity of refusing to see me, but I knew him 
 too well to think that he would take advantage of it. 
 
 He was sitting at his writing-table looking pale 
 and haggard, as I entered, and turned wearily to- 
 wards me with an air of reserve very foreign to his 
 nature. 
 
 " My dear Grandon," I said, " I have come to 
 apologise to you for my unjustifiable conduct 
 yesterday, but you cannot conceive the worry and 
 annoyance to which I have been subject by the im- 
 pertinent curiosity and unwarrantable interference 
 of the world in my private affairs. When you told 
 me I was acting dishonourably, an impulse of 
 
148 PICCADILLY. 
 
 petulance made me forget what was due to Ursula 
 and answer my inquisitive friends as I did ; but I 
 am on my way to Grosvenor Square now, and will 
 put matters straight in an hour." 
 
 " The mischief is done/' said Grandon, gloomily, 
 "and it is not in your power to undo it. What- 
 ever may have been the motives by which you have 
 been actuated — and far be it from me to judge 
 them — you have caused an amount of misery 
 which must last as long as those whom you have 
 chosen as your victims live." 
 
 " I beseech you be more explicit," I said ; " what 
 happened last night ? — I insist upon knowing." 
 
 " You know perfectly well that as you stand in 
 no nearer relation to Lady Ursula than I do," and 
 Grandon's voice trembled, while his eye gleamed 
 for a second with a flash of triumph, "you have 
 no right to insist upon anything ; but I have no 
 objection to tell you that as Lady Ursula was 
 quite in ignorance of any such report having cur- 
 rency as that which has now received a certain 
 stamp of authority, by virtue of the conspiracy into 
 which you seem to have entered with her mother 
 and brother, she was overwhelmed with confusion at 
 the congratulations which it seems the ladies heaped 
 upon her after dinner last night, and finally fainted. 
 Of course all London will be talking of it to-day, as 
 the ITclters went away early on purpose to get to 
 
THE WORLD. 149 
 
 Lady Mundane's before Scraper could arrive there 
 with his version of the catastrophe." 
 
 "Did she tell you she did not care for me, 
 Grandon?" said I, very humbly. 
 
 " She told me to forgive you, and love you as I 
 used to, God help me ! " burst out Grandon, and he 
 covered his face with his hands. " Frank," he said, 
 "she is an angel of whom neither you nor I i« 
 worthy ; but oh, spare her ! Don't, for God's sake ' 
 hold her up to the pity and curiosity of London. I 
 would do anything on earth she told me ; but what 
 spell have you thrown over her that in spite of 
 your heartless conduct she should still implore me 
 to love and cherish you ? How can I obey her in 
 this when your acts are so utterly at variance with 
 all that is noble and honourable ? I have at least one 
 cause for gratitude," he continued, in a calmer tone, 
 " and that is, that the doubt which would force itself 
 upon me when I vainly tried to account for her con- 
 duct in accepting you so suddenly has been removed." 
 
 I had discovered what I wanted, for in spite of 
 every effort to conceal it, I detected a mixture of 
 jealousy and of triumph in Grandon's last speech. 
 Ursula, in her moment of agony, had unconsciously 
 allowed him to perceive that he alone was loved, 
 and had urged him still to love and cherish me, be- 
 cause as an irresponsible being she had thought me 
 more than ever in need of sympathy and protection. 
 
1 50 PICCADILLY. 
 
 For a moment T wavered in my resolution. Should 
 I open my heart and give my dearest friend a con- 
 fidence which should justify me in his eyes, at the 
 risk of destroying the project I had formed on that 
 night when, walking home from my interview with 
 Lady Broadhem, I had determined to devote my 
 energies to the happiness of others and not of my- 
 self? or should I maintain that flippant, heartless ex- 
 terior which seemed for the time necessary to the suc- 
 cess of my i)lans ? As usual, my mind made itself 
 up while I was doubting wliat to do, and in spite of 
 myself I said jauntily, "Well, now that you know that 
 she cares about you and not about me, I suppose you 
 have nothing to do but to return her affection ? " 
 
 "I have done that for some time," he replied, 
 " but you know how perfectly hopeless our love is ; 
 and yet," and his voice deepened and his face flushed 
 with enthusiasm, " I am happier loving hopelessly 
 and knowing that I am loved, than I have ever been 
 before. Forgive me, Frank, but I do not feel for 
 you as I should have done had you behaved differ- 
 ently. You had no right to let me suppose that 
 she had accepted you when the subject had never 
 been breathed between you. Your conscience must 
 tell you that you have acted in an unworthy manner 
 towards us both." 
 
 " Grandon," I said, sententiously, " my conscience 
 works on a system utterly incomprehensible to an 
 
THE WORLD. 151 
 
 ordinary intelligence, and I am quite satisfied with 
 it. I will have a metaphysical discussion with you 
 on the matter on some other occasion. Meantime 
 you think Ursula has decided on preferring the ruin 
 and disgrace of the Broadhem family to a mariage 
 de convenance either with me or any one else ? " 
 
 " I did not know it was a question of disgrace," 
 said Grandon, " and I am quite sure that Lady Ur- 
 sula will do the right thing. I would rather not 
 discuss the subject any further ; we shall certainly 
 not agree, and I am afraid that we might become 
 more widely estranged than I should wish. Here 
 is breakfast. It was you who last asked me to bury 
 this unhappy subject, it is my turn now to make 
 the same request. I wish to heaven it had never 
 arisen between us." 
 
 " What a lucky fellow you are ! " said I. looking 
 at him with the eye of a philosopher ; " now you 
 would never imagine yourself to be one of the most 
 enviable men in London, with the most charming 
 of women and the most devoted of friends ready to 
 sacrifice themselves at your feet — she inco7np'ise, I 
 incom'prisy' 
 
 " Don't trifle," said Grandon, sternly, interrupting 
 me ; " my patience is not inexhaustible." 
 
 " Luckily mine is," said I, with my mouth full of 
 grilled salmon, " otherwise I should not be the right 
 stuff for a social missionary. Apropos, you have 
 
152 PICCADILLY. 
 
 never asked me what I have been doing in that 
 line; nor told me what you thought of the long 
 letter I wrote you from Flityville, Did you get me 
 the answers to those questions ? " 
 
 " No," he replied, " I must honestly tell you, 
 Frank, that it pains me to discuss so serious a sub- 
 ject with one who makes so fair and earnest a pre- 
 tence of having deep convictions as you do, and 
 whose acts are so diametrically opposed to them ; 
 and now I must be off, for I have a committee of 
 the House to attend." 
 
 "And I a rendezvous of a still more interesting 
 character to keep ; " and as I left Grandon I ob- 
 served a shade of disgust and disappointment cross 
 his face at my last speech. I always overdo it, I 
 thought, as I walked towards Grosvenor Square, 
 but Grandon ought to make allowances for me. 
 He has known me all my life, but it was reserved 
 for us both to be in love with the same woman to 
 bring out the strong points in each of us. Lavater 
 says you never know whether a man is your friend 
 until you have divided an inheritance with him; 
 but it is a much more ticklish thing to go halves in 
 a woman's love. Never mind, I will astonish them 
 both yet. Now then, to begin with her ; and I 
 boldly knocked at the door. I found Broadhem in 
 his own little den. 
 
 " It is all right," he said, as I entered ; " I have 
 
THE WORLD. I 53 
 
 told Ursula you are coming, and she will see you in 
 the drawing-room." 
 
 I had not been for two minutes alone with Lady 
 Ursula since we parted at Dickiefield; indeed, when 
 it is remembered that my whole intercourse with 
 her upon that occasion extended over little more 
 than twenty-four hours, and that we had never been 
 on any other terms since than those of the most 
 casual acquaintances, the embarrassing nature of 
 the impending interview presented itself to me in 
 a somewhat unpleasant aspect. Now that it had 
 come to the point, I could not make up my mind 
 exactly what to say. I tried to collect my ideas and 
 go over the history of the events which had resulted 
 in the present predicament. Why was I in the sin- 
 gular position of having to make a special appoint- 
 ment with a young lady with whom I was des- 
 perately in love, whom I knew but slightly, but 
 who supposed me to be mad, for the purpose of 
 asking her, first, whether she considered lierself en- 
 gaged to be married to me or not; and secondly, if 
 not, whether she would have any objection to the 
 world supposing that such was the case ? Now my 
 readers will remember that the sudden impulse 
 which induced me in the first instance to delude 
 Lady Broadhem into believing that Lady Ursula 
 had accepted me, arose from the desire to save her 
 from the tender mercies of Chundango. Lady 
 
1 54 PICCADILLY. 
 
 Ursula had in fact owed the repose she had enjoyed 
 for the last two months entirely to her supposed 
 engagement to me. The moment that is at an end, 
 her fate becomes miserable. If she will but con- 
 sider herself drowning, and me the straw, I shall 
 only be too happy to be clutched. If I cannot pro- 
 pose myself as a husband, I will at least suggest 
 that she should regard me in the light of a straw. 
 
 I had got thus far when I found myself in her 
 presence. She looked very pale, and there was an 
 expression of decision about the corners of her mouth 
 which I had not before remarked. It did not detract 
 from its sweetness, nor did the slight tremor of the 
 upper lip as she greeted me detract from its force. It 
 is a great mistake to suppose that a tremor of the lip 
 denotes weakness ; on the contrary, it often arises 
 from a concentration of nervous energy. I am not 
 quite so sure about a tremor of the knees. That was 
 what I suffered from at the moment, together with 
 a very considerable palpitation of the heart. Now 
 the difficulty at such a moment is to know how to 
 begin. I have often heard men say that when they 
 have obtained an interview with a great statesman 
 for the purpose of asking a favour, and he waits for 
 them to begin without helping them out wath a word, 
 they have experienced this difficulty. That arises 
 from the consciousness that they are sacrificing their 
 self-respect to their " career." Tf they would never 
 
THE WORLD. 155 
 
 go near a statesman except when they wanted to 
 confer a favour upon him, they would have no difd- 
 culty in finding words. Fortunately the great ma- 
 jority of our public employes are not yet hardened 
 beggars like the Neapolitans, and are not, like them, 
 dead to any sentiment of shame upon these occa- 
 sions, though it is to be feared that they will soon 
 become so. The responsibility of demoralising the 
 servants of the public lies entirely with the heads 
 of the departments. In proportion as these gentle- 
 men are not ashamed of sacrificing their subordi- 
 nates in order to keep themselves in office, will 
 those subordinates become as unblushing place- 
 hunters as their masters are place-keepers. Once 
 accustom a man to being a scapegoat, and you de- 
 stroy at a blow his respect for himself and for the 
 man who offers him up. I could become very elo- 
 quent upon this subject, if I was not afraid of keep- 
 ing Ursula waiting. There are few men who n^ed 
 having their duties pointed out to them more con- 
 stantly than Cabinet Ministers. Attacks in the 
 House of Commons do them no good, as they are 
 generally the result of party tactics, and spring from 
 as unworthy a motive as does the defence. Men 
 who have got place do not pay much attention to 
 attacks from men who want it. Then, as I said 
 •before, the Church utterly ignores its duties in this 
 respect. Who ever heard of a bishop getting up 
 
156 PICCADILLY. 
 
 and pointing out to her Majesty's jNTinisters the 
 necessity of considering the interests of the country 
 before their own ? It would be immediately sup- 
 posed that he was bullying them, because he wanted 
 to be " translated ; " and this would be considered 
 the only excuse for the same want of " good taste " 
 which I, who am only desirous for their good, am now 
 displaying. I put it to you, my lords, in all humi- 
 lity, do you ever get up in your places, not in the 
 House of Peers, but in another House, and point 
 out to the rulers of the country that no personal 
 consideration should ever interfere with their doing 
 the right thing at the right moment ? Do you ever 
 explain to the noble lords among whom you sit, that 
 when a committee is chosen from both sides of the 
 House to inquire into a simple question of right 
 or wrong, the members of it are bound to vote upon 
 its merits and according to their consciences, rather 
 than according to the political parties to which they 
 belong ? and do you ever ask yourselves what you 
 would do in the same circumstances ? Do you ever 
 tell the lieads of departments that they are respon- 
 sible for the morale which pervades the special 
 services over which they preside ? that the tone of 
 honour, the amount of zeal and of disinterestedness 
 which subordinates display must depend in a great 
 measure upon the example set them by their chief ? 
 that you can no more expect an orchestra to play 
 
THE WORLD. 1 57 
 
 in tune with a leader devoid of a soul for music, 
 than a department to work well without the soul of 
 honour at its head ? Do you ever tell the leaders 
 of the party with which you " act " that it is wicked 
 openly to, collect funds to give candidates to bribe 
 with at general elections ? Do you ever faithfully 
 tell these "great men, that just in proportion as their 
 position is elevated, so is their power for good or 
 for evil ? and when you see their responsibilities sit 
 lightly upon them, do you ever take them to task for 
 trifling with the highest interests of the country, and 
 stifling the consciences of its servants ? If the fact 
 that in your ecclesiastical capacity you are beholden 
 to one or other of the political parties makes it deli- 
 cate for you to attack your opponents, then let the 
 Liberal Episcopacy jealously guard the honoiir of 
 the Liberal Cabinets, and the Tory bishops watch 
 over the public morality of their own side so soon 
 as it shall come into ofiice. 
 
 Of course I was not thinking of all this as I 
 entered the drawing-room, but I had thought it 
 often before, and feel impelled to mention it now. 
 What I actually did was to blush a good deal, 
 stammer a good deal, and finally make the un- 
 pleasant discovery that that presence of mind 
 which my readers will ere this have perceived I 
 possess to an eminent degree, had entirely de- 
 serted me. I think this arose from the extreme 
 
158 PICCADILLY. 
 
 desire I felt that Lady Ursula should not at that 
 moment imagine that I was mad. Perhaps, my 
 reader, it may have happened to you to have to 
 broach the most delicate of all topics to a young 
 lady who regarded you in the light of a rather 
 dangerous lunatic, and you can therefore enter into 
 my feelings. I was not sorry to find myself blush- 
 ing and stammering, as it might have the effect of 
 reassuring her, and making her feel that for the 
 moment at least I was quite harmless. 
 
 " I am glad. Lord Trank," she said, observing my 
 confusion, "that you have given me this oppor- 
 tunity of seeing you, as I am sure you would not 
 willingly inflict pain, and should you find that you 
 have unintentionally done so, will make all the 
 reparation in your power." 
 
 At this moment T glanced significantly at Broad- 
 hem, who left the room. 
 
 " Unfortunately it too often happens, Lady 
 Ursula," I said, "that it is necessary to inflict a 
 temporary pain to avert what might become a per- 
 manent misery." 
 
 '•' I cannot conceive," replied she, " to what per- 
 manent misery, as affecting myself, you can allude, 
 in which your intervention should be necessary, 
 more especially when exhibited in a form which 
 places me in such a false position. I need not say 
 
THE WORLD. 159 
 
 that the announcement which I saw for the first 
 time in a newspaper caused me the greatest annoy- 
 ance ; but when I found afterwards that my 
 mother, my brother, and even Lord Grandon, had 
 heard it from your own lips many weeks before, 
 and that in fact you had given my mother, under a 
 promise that she would not allude to the subject to 
 me, such a totally erroneous idea of what passed at 
 our interview at Dickiefield, — when I thought of 
 all this, I could only account for it by the last 
 revelation you made to me there." 
 
 She maintained her self-possession perfectly until 
 she was obliged to allude to my insanity, then she 
 dropped her eyelids, and the colour for the first 
 time rushed into her cheeks as she shrank from 
 touching on this delicate subject. At the moment 
 I almost felt inclined to tell her that I was as sane 
 as she was, but refrained, partly because I was not 
 sure of it myself, partly because I did not think 
 she would believe me, partly because, after all, it 
 might be the best justification I could offer for my 
 conduct, and partly because I was not quite ready 
 to enter upon an explanation of the ruse by which 
 I had hoped to save her from the persecution of her 
 mother to marry Chundango. This suddenly re- 
 minded me of my idea that she was in the position 
 of one drowning. I therefore said, in a careless way, 
 
l60 PICCADILLY. 
 
 for the purpose of showing her that her allusion to 
 my insanity had produced no unfavourable impres- 
 sion upon me, — 
 
 " Lady Ursula, would you have any objection to 
 regarding me in the light of a straw ? " 
 
 " A what ! " said Lady Ursula, in a tone in which 
 amazement seemed blended with alarm. 
 
 " A straw," I repeated ; " I assure you you are 
 drowning, and even an unworthy being like myself 
 may be of use to you, if you would but believe it. 
 Eemember Chundango's conduct at Dickiefield — 
 remember the view Lady Broadhem took of it, 
 until I interposed, or as I should more accurately 
 say, until the current swept me past her — re- 
 member that up to this moment she has never 
 recurred to the subject of Mr Chundango, who, 
 although he comes to the house constantly, now 
 devotes himself entirely to Lady Broadhem herself ; 
 and, allow me to say it, you owe it all to a timely 
 straw." 
 
 Lady Ursula seemed struck by the graphic way 
 in which I put her position before her, and re- 
 mained silent for a few moments. It had evidently 
 never occurred to her, that I had indirectly been the 
 means of securing her tranquillity. She little 
 thought it possible that her mother could have 
 talked her matrimonial prospects over with a com- 
 parative stranger in the mercantile terms which 
 
THE WORT.D. l6l 
 
 Lady Bioadlieiii had used in our interview at 
 Dickiefield. And I am well aware that society 
 generally would consider such conduct on the part 
 of her ladysliip coarse and unladylike. It showed 
 a disregard of les convenances which good society is 
 the first to resent. Those who have never secretly 
 harboured the designs which Lady Broadhem in 
 the agony of a financial crisis avowed, might justly 
 repudiate her conduct ; but " conscience does make 
 cowards of us all," and fashionable mothers will 
 naturally be the first to censure in Lady Broadhem 
 a practice to whicli, in a less glaring and obnoxious 
 form, they are so strongly addicted. If in silvery 
 accents she had confided her projects to Lady 
 Mundane, the world would have considered it 
 natural and ladylike enough ; tlie coarseness con- 
 sisted in her telling them to me. generation of 
 slave-owners ! why persist in deluding yourselves 
 into the belief, that so long as you buy and sell 
 your own flesh and blood in a whisper there is no 
 harm in it ? 
 
 My gentle critics, I would strongly advise you 
 not to place me on my defence in these mg,tters ; 
 I have every disposition to let you down as gently 
 as possible, but if you play tricks with the rope, I 
 sliall have to let you down by the run. Why, it 
 was only last year that all the world went to jNIrs 
 Gorgon Tompkins's second ball. Tliey no more 
 
 L 
 
l62 PICCADILLY. 
 
 cared than she did, that she had lost one of lier 
 daughters early in the season, just after she had 
 given the first. I remember Spiffy Goldtip taking 
 public opinion in the club about it, and ashing 
 whether an interval of four months was not enough 
 to satisfy the requirements of society in the matter, 
 as it would be so sad if, after having made such 
 good social running before Easter, Mrs Gorgon 
 Tompkins were to lose it all afterwards through an 
 unfortunate domestic contretemps of this kind. 
 Now I doubt whether Lady Broadhem could sur- 
 pass that. However, she is capable of great feats, 
 and I fully expect she will strike out a new line 
 soon ; there has been a lurking demon in her eye of 
 late which alarms me. Fortunately I am not yet 
 finally committed, financially. It is true it has 
 cost me a few thousands, which I shall never see 
 again, to tide the family over its difficulties thus 
 far, but I can still let it down with a crash if it 
 suits me. 
 
 "Lord Frank," said Lady Ursula, after a pause, 
 " I have already alluded to the circumstance which 
 has induced me to treat you with a forbearance 
 which I could not have extended to one whom I 
 regarded as responsible for conduct unwarrantable 
 towards myself, and certainly not to be justified by 
 any possible advantage which I might be supposed 
 to derive from it. I consented to see you now, be- 
 
THE WORLD. 1 63 
 
 cause I feel sure that when you know from my own 
 lips that I wish you at once to deny the rumour 
 you have been the means of originating, I may 
 depend upon your doing so." 
 
 "May I ask," I said, with much contrition in 
 my tone, " what explanation you gave Lady Broad- 
 hem on the subject ?" 
 
 " If you mean," said Lady Ursula, " whether I 
 accounted to mamma for your conduct as I do to 
 myself — in other words, whether I betrayed your 
 secret — I have carefully refrained from discussing 
 the subject with her. Fortunately, after dinner at 
 the Whitechapels' last night, Broadhem told me 
 that he had seen you, and that you were coming 
 here to-day, so I assured mamma that she would 
 hear from you the true state of the case ; though, 
 of course, I felt myself bound to let her understand 
 that, owing to a fact which I was unable to explain, 
 she had been completely misled by you." 
 
 " And what did Lady Broadhem say V I asked. 
 
 " She said that had it not been for a meeting she 
 was obliged to attend this morning, she would have 
 waited to see you to-day ; but that she was sure I 
 laboured under some strange delusion, and that a 
 few words of explanation from you would smooth 
 everything." 
 
 " Will you allow me to tell you what those few 
 words are?" said I. "Lady Broadhem little im- 
 
1 64 riCCADILLY. 
 
 agines the real state of the case, because she knows 
 what you do not know, that I am engaged in clear- 
 ing off her own pecuniary liabilities, and making 
 arrangements by which the old-standing claims on 
 the Broadliem estates may be met. You may 
 never have heard how seriously the family is em- 
 barrassed, and how unlucky all Lady Broadhem's 
 attempts to retrieve its fortunes by speculation have 
 been. I could only account to her for the pecuni- 
 ary sacrifices she knows I am making by allowing 
 her to suppose that I was incurring them for your 
 sake." I could not resist letting a certain tone of 
 pique penetrate this speech, and the puzzled and 
 pained expression of Lady Ursula's face afforded 
 me a sense of momentary gratification, of which I 
 speedily repented. As she looked at me earnestly, 
 her large blue eyes filled slowly with tears. " Is 
 she crying because this last speech of mine proves 
 me hopelessly mad ?" thought I ; " or does she feel 
 herself in a pecimiary trap, and is she crying be- 
 cause she does not see her way out of it?" and I 
 felt the old sensation coming over me, and my head 
 beginning to swim. Why, oh why, am I denied 
 that method in my madness which it must be such 
 a comfort to possess? It is just at the critical 
 moment that my osseous matter invariably plays 
 me a trick. I seemed groping for light and strength, 
 and mechanically put out my hand ; the soft touch 
 
THE WORLD. 165 
 
 of one placed gently in it thrilled through my 
 nerves with an indescribable current, and instan- 
 taneously the horrid feeling left me, and I emerged 
 from the momentary torpor into which 1 had fallen. 
 I don't think Ursula remarked it, for she said, and 
 her eyes were now overflowing, in a voice of sur- 
 passing sweetness, " Lord Frank, I have discovered 
 your real secret ; it is no longer possible for you to 
 conceal the noble motives which have actuated you 
 under your pretended " 
 
 " Hush ! " I said, interrupting her ; " what I did, 
 whether rightly or wrongly, I did for the best. 
 Now I will be guided by your wishes. What am I 
 to do ? " 
 
 " Allow no worldly consideration, however un- 
 selfish, either for myself or those dearest to me, to 
 induce you to swerve from the course which truth 
 and honour distinctly point out. Whatever may 
 seem to be the consequences, we are both bound to 
 follow this, and we have but to feel that, if need 
 be, we are ready to make great sacrifices to re- 
 ceive the requisite faith and strength. Believe 
 me," she concluded, and her voice trembled slightly, 
 "whatever happens, I shall feel that you have 
 given me proofs of a friendship upon which I may 
 depend." 
 
 I pressed the hand I still held, and I felt the 
 touch was sacred. " Ah," thought I, as I left the 
 
l66 PICCADILLY. 
 
 room, and was conscious that the gentle influence 
 of her I had parted from was still resting upon me, 
 "that is the right kind of spirit-medium. There 
 is a magnetism in that slender finger which sup- 
 ports and purifies." my hardened and material 
 readers ! don't suppose that because I know you 
 will laugh at the idea of a purifying or invigorating 
 magnetism I shall hesitate to write exactly what I 
 feel on such matters. If I refrain from saying a 
 great deal more, it is not because I shrink from your 
 ridicule but from your ignorance. You may not 
 believe that the pearls exist ; I honestly admit 
 that they are not yet in my possession, but I have 
 seen those who own them, and, unfortunately, also 
 I have seen the animals before whom they have 
 been cast. And you, my dear young ladies, do not 
 ignore the responsibility which the influence you 
 are able to exercise over young men imposes upon 
 you. You need not call it magnetism unless you 
 like, but be sure that there is tliat conveyed in a 
 touch or a glance which elevates or degrades him 
 upon whom it is bestowed, according as you pre- 
 serve the purity and simplicity of your inmost 
 natures. If you would only regard yourselves in 
 the light of female missionaries to that benighted 
 tribe of lavender-gloved young gentlemen who flutter 
 about you like moths round a candle, you would 
 send them away glowing and happy, instead of 
 
TFIE WORLD. 1 6/ 
 
 singeing their wings. If, when these butterflies 
 come to sip, you would give them honey in- 
 stead of poison, they would not forsake you as 
 they do now for the gaudy flowers which are too 
 near you. I know what you have to contend 
 against — the scheming mothers who bring you 
 up to the " Daughticultural Show," labelled and 
 decorated, and put up to competition as likely 
 prize-winners — who deliberately expose you to 
 the first rush of your first seasons, and merci- 
 lessly watch you as you are swept along by the 
 tearing stream — who see you without compunc- 
 tion cast aAvay on sandbanks of worldliness, where 
 you remain till you become as " hard " and as 
 " fast " as those you find stranded there before you. 
 Here your minds become properly, or rather im- 
 properly, opened. You hear, for the first time, to 
 your astonishment, young men talked of by their 
 Christian or nick names — their domestic life can- 
 vassed, their eligibility discussed, and the varied 
 personal experiences through which your " hard 
 and fast " friends have passed, related. 
 
 Then, better prepared for the rest of the voyage, 
 you start again, and venture a little on your own 
 account. What bold swimmers you are becoming 
 now ! How you laugh and defy the rocks and 
 reefs upon which you are ultimately destined to 
 split ! Already you look back with surprise to the 
 
1 68 PICCADILLY. 
 
 time when almost everything you heard shocked 
 you. Wliat an immense amount of unnecessary 
 knowledge you have acquired since then, and how 
 recklessly you display it ! Do you think it has 
 softened and elevated you ? Do you think the 
 moral contact which should be life-giving to those 
 who know you, benefits them ? 
 
 It is not true, because young men behave heart- 
 lessly, that you must flirt " in self-defence," as you 
 call it. When a warfare of this kind once begins, it 
 is difficult to fix the responsibility ; but if one side 
 left off, the occupation of the other would be gone. 
 If you want to revenge yourselves on these fickle 
 youths — strike ! as they do in the manufacturing 
 districts. Conceive the wholesome panic you would 
 cause, if you combined into " unions " like the 
 working-classes, and every girl in London bound 
 herself not to flirt for the entire season ! 
 
 Unless you do something of this kind soon, you 
 will reverse the whole system of nature. The men 
 will be the candles and you the moths ; they will 
 be the flowers, and you the butterflies. If all the 
 brothers in London persist in trying to imitate their 
 sisters, and all the sisters ape their brothers, what a 
 nice confusion we shall arrive at ! The reason I 
 preach to you and not to them now, is, because I 
 think I have a better chance with the mind of a 
 masculine young woman than with that of a femi- 
 
THE WORLD. 169 
 
 nine young man. If you only knew what a comfoit 
 it would be to talk sense instead of that incessant 
 chaff, you would read a little more. I don't object 
 to your riding in the Park — the abominable consti- 
 tution of society makes it almost the only oppor- 
 tunity of seeing and talking to those you like 
 without being talked about ; but you need not 
 rush off for a drive in the carriage immediately 
 after lunch, just because you are too restless to 
 stay at home. 
 
 First, the Park and young men, then lunch, then 
 Marshall and Snelgrove, then tea and young men 
 again, then dinner, drums, and balls, and young 
 men till three a.m. That is the tread-wheel you 
 have chosen to turn without the smallest profit to 
 yourself or any one else. If I seem to speak 
 strongly, it is because my heart yearns over you. I 
 belonged once to the lavender-gloved tribe myself, 
 and though I have long since abandoned the hunting- 
 grounds of my youth, I would give the world to see 
 them happy and innocent. Moreover, I know you 
 too well to imagine that I have written a word which 
 will offend you. Far from it. We shall be warmer 
 and closer friends ever after ; but I am strongly 
 afraid mamma will disapprove. She will call ' Pic- 
 cadilly ' " highly improper," and say that it is a book 
 she has not allowed any of " her girls " to read. I 
 don't want to preach disobedience ; but there are 
 
170 PICCADILLY. 
 
 modes well known to my fair young friends of 
 reading books wliich mamma forbids, and I trust 
 that they will never read one against her wish which 
 may leave a more injurious impression upon their 
 minds than ' Piccadilly.' 
 
171 
 
 PART V. 
 
 THE FLESH. 
 
 PiCCAniLLY, JuiU, 
 
 Somebody ought to compile a handbook for di- 
 hutants and dilutantes, setting forth the most ap- 
 proved modes of procuring invitations to balls and 
 parties during the London season. Not only would 
 it be a very invaluable guide now, but it would be 
 interesting for posterity to refer to as illustrating 
 the manners and customs of their ancestors, and 
 accounting for the hereditary taint of snobbism 
 which is probably destined to characterise in an 
 eminent degree the population of the British Isles. 
 " En Angleterre," said a cynical Dutch diplomatist, 
 " numero deux va chez numero un, pour s'en glori- 
 fier aupres de numero trois." Had he gone to the 
 Bodwinkle ball, he would have remarked a curious 
 inversion of his aphorism, for there it was numero 
 un who went down to numero deux. But I must 
 leave it to Van den Bosch (that, I think, was his 
 
172 PICCADILLY. 
 
 name) to discover what there was to boast about to 
 number three. He was evidently a profound philo- 
 sopher, but I doubt his getting to the bottom of 
 this great social problem. To do so he would have 
 to look at it free from all petty prejudice, recognis- 
 ing its sublime as well as its ridiculous features. 
 Why did Duchesses struggle to be asked to Bod- 
 winkle's ? I almost think a new phase of snobbism 
 is cropping out, and the rivalry will be to try, not 
 who can rise highest, but who can sink lowest, in 
 the social scale. The fashionable world is so hlasd 
 of itself that it has positively become tired of wor- 
 shipping wealth, unless its owners possess the charm 
 of extreme vulgarity. Its taste has become so 
 vitiated by being unnaturally excited and pandered 
 to, that we shall have to invent some new object of 
 ambition. Why, for instance, should not a select 
 clique of Oxford Street shopkeepers give a series of 
 parties which might become the rage for one season ? 
 They have only to get two or three leaders of ton to 
 patronise them at first, and be very exclusive and 
 select in their invitations afterwards, to insure suc- 
 cess. A year or two ago the thing to do was Cre- 
 morne ; why not have an Oxford Street year ? The 
 Bodwinkle tendency will result at last in its being 
 the great ambition of a man's life to get his daughters 
 asked to " a little music and a few friends " at his 
 bootmaker's. 
 
THE FLESH. 173 
 
 In Paris, which is becoming rapidly impregnated 
 with this spirit, that city being in a very receptive 
 ^ condition for everything bad from all parts of the 
 world— in Paris, I say, they have made a very good 
 start, as any of my fair friends who have patronised 
 Mr Worth's afternoon tea-parties in the Piue de la 
 Paix will readily acknowledge. They will bear tes- 
 timony to the good taste of the milliner, and I to 
 the bad taste of his customers. That vain women 
 in the highest circles of Parisian fashion can, in an 
 eager rivalry to display as much of their backs as 
 possible, endeavour to obtain the especial patronage 
 of a man-dressmaker, by accepting his invitations to 
 tea, should be a warning to you, gentle English 
 dames ! of what you may come to. Why sacrifice 
 self-respect and propriety to shoulder-straps ? Why 
 insist upon it that there is only one man in the 
 world who knows how to cut out a dress behind ? 
 Supposing he can bring it an inch lower down than 
 anybody else— if you give that inch, beware of the 
 ell. Why, oh why, advertise your clothes in the 
 newspapers ? Is it not enough to puff your dinner- 
 parties in the public journals at so much a " notice," 
 without paying 15s. apiece to your dressmaker to 
 put your names into the ' Morning Post,' coupled 
 with your wearing apparel, every time you go to 
 Court ? If you persist in the practice, let me re- 
 commend you, as a measure of economy, to put in 
 
174 PICCADILLY. 
 
 your own advertisements. The press charge is 
 1 Os. 6d. ; the dressmaker pockets the other 4s. 6d. 
 Or else be generous : why keep the whole advertise- 
 ment to yourself? let the poor dressmaker put her 
 name in as having furnished the raiment, and she 
 will, perhaps, let you off the 4s. 6d. ; otherwise, you 
 may do it still cheaper by bills on hoardings — 
 
 IMMENSE ATTRACTION ! 
 
 The Marcliioness of Scilly will appear at Court 
 
 on the inst. Train glace — poult de sole 
 
 bouillionee, &c, 
 
 I am not sure that to attend the professional 
 social gatherings of a Parisian " undressmaker " 
 and pay him twenty francs a " look " is not less 
 objectionable, but this is the British way of worship- 
 ping the same idol. This vein of reflection was 
 suggested to me by Bodwinkle's ball. Talk of ser- 
 mons in stones ! they are nothing to the sermons 
 contained in drums and balls. 
 
 First, I have already let my readers into the 
 secret history of that ball. I have told them how 
 Lady Broadhem and Spiffy Goldtip combined their 
 resources and launched the Bodwinkles in Vanity 
 Fair with a gorgeous mansion and Lady Mundanc's 
 invitation list. To describe all Spiffy 's exertions in 
 the Bodwinkle cause for some days prior to the ball 
 
THE FLESH. 175 
 
 would be impossible. To tell of the extraordinary 
 suggestions that Bodwinkle was continually making 
 with reference to the decoration of the banisters, the 
 arrangements for supper, and the utter ignorance he 
 displayed throughout of the nature of the enterprise 
 upon which he had embarked, would occupy more 
 space than I can afford. To give a list of the 
 guests would be superfluous, as they were very 
 accurately reported in the columns of the ' Morning 
 Post' In spite of all Spiffy could do, Bodwinkle 
 would insist upon inviting a nujnber of his own 
 friends, and nearly ruined the party irretrievably 
 by allowing one man to bring his daughters. How- 
 ever, as Mrs B. did not take the slightest notice of 
 them, and as they knew nobody, they went away 
 early. Nevertheless, as Lady Veriphast said, 
 " There were all kinds of people that one had 
 never seen in one's life before." This was the 
 great mistake. People don't yet humiliate them- 
 selves to get invitations to meet people they never 
 saw before. They may come to that, but at present 
 nothing is worth going to unless all society wants 
 / to go : then anything is. Now Spiffy had so man- 
 aged, that by a judicious system of puffing he had 
 excited immense interest in the Bodwinkle ball — 
 he had been morally bill-sticking it in all the clubs 
 for weeks past. He had told the most rSpandu 
 young dancing men that it would be impossible for 
 
175 PICCADILLY. 
 
 him to get them invitations. If Bodwinkle had been 
 General Tom Thumb, and Spiffy had been Barnum, 
 he could not have achieved a greater success. He 
 had insisted upon Bodwinkle having ]\Irs B. painted 
 by the most fashionable artist and exhibited in the 
 Academy, where the hanging committee, some of 
 whom were at the ball afterwards, gave it a good 
 place, and the ' Times ' critic gave it half a column. 
 Until then he had kept her dark. No one had ever 
 seen Mrs Bodwinkle, except three or four literary 
 men, who discreetly and mysteriously alluded to her 
 intellect, and a naughty duke, who indiscreetly and 
 less mysteriously alluded to her charms. People 
 began to want to make Mrs Bodwinkle's acquaint- 
 ance some time before the ball, but she resolutely 
 denied herself. The only men who were let into 
 the secret were Bower, Scraper, and a few others 
 skilled in the art of socially advertising. Their 
 principal function consisted in asking every one of 
 their friends for some time before whether they were 
 going to the Bodwinkle ball. It oozed out, through 
 Spiffy, that I knew something of Bodwinkle, and 
 the result was that I was bombarded with requests 
 to procure invitations. This was the style of note 
 that arrived incessantly. This is from IMary, 
 Marchioness of Pimlico : — 
 
 " Deaii Lord Frank, — Lady Mundane tells nie 
 
THE FLESH. 1/7 
 
 that you are one of the privileged few who can get 
 invitations to the Bodwinldes'. Please exert your 
 interest in my favour. You know this is Alice's 
 first season. — Yours truly, 
 
 " Maey Pimlico." 
 
 Here is another one : — 
 
 "Dear Lord Frank, — Do please get an invita- 
 tion for my very great friend. Amy Eumsort, for 
 the Bodwinkles'. She is most anxious to go, for 
 very ^particular reasons. I will tell you them when 
 we meet. Spiffy Goldtip sent mamma mine, but 
 declines to come to the front about Amy. — Yours 
 most sincerely, Hareiet Wylue." 
 
 " Wild Harrie " is the name by which this young 
 lady is usually known among her sporting friends. 
 She is a promising debutante, and very properly 
 calls herself " first favoiirite " of the season. 
 
 " Dear me," thought I, as I opened a series of 
 similar epistles, " if I were the head of a public de- 
 partment, who only recommended honours to be 
 given to those who applied for them oftenest, and if 
 all these were meritorious public servants wanting 
 C.B.'s, or gallant soldiers anxious for Victoria 
 Crosses, they could not beg more pertinaciously and 
 unblushingly." And I made a list of the petition- 
 M 
 
178 PICCADILLY. 
 
 ers, leaving out those who had written to me without 
 knowing me, and went to the club, where I in- 
 trusted them to Spiffy, with a peremptory request 
 that he would distribute the required invitations 
 upon pain of my financial displeasure. 
 
 Spiffy gave me some curious statistics about in- 
 vitations and the means employed to obtain them. 
 Three ladies who never asked him to their parties, 
 and whom he had therefore left out, though all 
 more or less leaders of the lean moncle, actually 
 wrote to Mrs Bodwinkle in various strains— one 
 was a threatening, the other an appealing letter, 
 and the third assumed that she had been omitted 
 by mistake. Two young gentlemen had the imper- 
 tinence, after trying every other mode in vain, 
 actually to call on INIrs Bodwinkle, and extract in- 
 vitations from that bewildered woman, who was 
 too much frightened to refuse them. Bodwinkle 
 was not idle in the House, and two Liberals and an 
 extreme Eadical, all young, unable to resist temp- 
 tation, voted against the Government on the pro- 
 mise of invitations. As for Spiffy, even he was 
 acquiring fresh social experience, and tells me he 
 can scarcely resist entering upon a pecuniary ex- 
 liloitation of his position in society. " There is,'' 
 said that enterprising and original individual, " so 
 much to be done by a man of genius. Just look 
 what is open to me in this line, — 
 
THE FLESH. 179 
 
 " ' Families in tlie country anxious that tlieir 
 sons should be well lands in the society of the 
 metropolis, are requested to apply to the Honour- 
 able Spiffington Goldtip. Invitations to the most 
 fashionable parties obtained at a reasonable amount. 
 Charges moderate for introductions to Clubs. No 
 charge whatever for introductions to noblemen.' 
 
 " Or in this line, — 
 
 " ' To Debutantes and Others in want of Chaper- 
 onage. — Young ladies whose mothers are invalids, 
 or are from some cause considered objectionable by 
 society, or who have only step-mothers, or who are 
 orphans with unkind or Evangelical relations, or 
 who are unexpectedly at the last moment deprived 
 of their natural protectors, on applying to the 
 vmdersigned will be provided with suitable chap- 
 erons. The undersigned begs to notify that his 
 stock of chaperons will bear the strictest examina- 
 tion as to character, and have all at one time oi 
 other moved in the highest circles of society. ISTc 
 debutante or young lady whose birth and anteced- 
 ents do not entitle her to the same privilege need 
 apply. Spiffington Goldtip.' 
 
 " Then the 'pendant to this would be, — 
 
 " ' To Married Women or Widows without 
 Daughters. — Married women, or widows without 
 daughters, who have either dropped out of society 
 or are in danger of dropping out, in consequence of 
 
l80 PICCADILLY. 
 
 there being no special reason why they should be 
 kept in, and who are capable of undertaking the 
 duties of chaperon, are requested to apply to the 
 Honourable Spiffington Goldtip. The Hon. S. G. 
 has a large stock of debutantes, and other young 
 ladies in want of chaperons, always on hand. The 
 strictest references given and required.' 
 
 " You may laugh," Spiffy went on, " but I assure 
 you the sort of successes I have in my own line are 
 quite astonishing. Look what a hit I've made with 
 Wild Harrie — her mother, Lady Wylde, you re- 
 member, was her husband's brother's governess. 
 Well, I said plainly to her, 'You will ruin that 
 girl's chances if you attempt to force her on society 
 in your own way. You can't afford to entertain 
 upon the right scale, and you won't be asked any- 
 where unless you do, for there is a set going to be 
 made against Harriet. If you will leave her to me, 
 I know her strong points, and will see her through 
 the whole business as if she was my own sister.' " 
 I must here remark en ;passant that Spiffy is appar- 
 ently capable of doing the most unselfish things, 
 and of taking an infinity of trouble upon himself 
 out of pure good-nature. 
 
 " What was your modus operandi V I asked. 
 " Oh, it was all plain sailing enough. The first 
 thing to provide was a popular chaperon, and the 
 second a special reputation. Now Harrie is a won- 
 
THE FLESH. l8l 
 
 derful rider, and knows a horse thoroughly. Then 
 she looks like a high-bred Arab herself, though her 
 mother was a governess, and I felt sure Dick Helter 
 would fall a victim. So I introduced her to the 
 Helters. As Lady Jane goes in for safeness, she 
 does not like married women, and always smiles 
 most kindly upon any girl that pleases her hus- 
 band ; so 1 knew if I could get Harrie by her side 
 on the top of Helter's drag, the next step was a 
 certainty, and that I had secured my chaperon. 
 The result has fully justified my expectations. 
 Harrie has secured the box-seat en permanence, 
 went down to the Derby on Helter's drag, and won 
 a pot on the French horse under his judicious 
 advice. Little Haultort, and all the other men who 
 lost to her, adore her of course, and all the girls in 
 London hate her; but whenever the mammas object 
 to asking her on account of 'that horrid Lady 
 Wylde,' I fioor all opposition by saying, ' Oh, Lady 
 Jane Helter will bring her.' I wonder," said Spifiy, 
 with a sigh, " when she has made her little game, 
 whether she will remember to whom she owed it?" 
 
 "Now, do you find much ingratitude of this 
 kind?" I asked, inquiringly. 
 
 " No," said Spiffy. " I must say on the whole 
 my experience of the world in this respect is, that 
 it is not so black as it is painted. It is true that I 
 attribute its gratitude chiefly to laziness. For in- 
 
1 82 PICCADILLY. 
 
 stance, in my own case, so long as I hold tlie posi- 
 tion I do in society, people who insisted upon being 
 ungrateful to me would find it hard work. By the 
 way, I observe you don't go out as much as you 
 used — how's that?" This was no business of 
 Spiff's, so I said sublimely, " Because the aristo- 
 cracy bore me, and the middle classes grate upon 
 my nerves. — But about this little girl : she is 
 rather an ally of mine, so you must see that her 
 friend, Miss Eumsort, has the card." 
 
 " It is too bad ! " broke out Spiffy. " The way 
 that girl and her married sister are trying to take 
 the world by storm is intolerable. It does not 
 matter whether they know the people they apply to 
 or not, it is always the saniie story. She pretends 
 she is tremendously in love with Larkington be- 
 cause he goes everywhere, and her sister looks 
 sentimental, and tries to work upon your feelings 
 about 'poor Amy,' whose only object in life is to 
 meet him ; but it is all a dodge to get asked. She 
 cares no more for Larkington than for me. Now, 
 I'll be bound Wild Harrie put something about 
 very particular reasons in her note to you." 
 
 " Well," said I, astonished at Spiffy 's penetration, 
 and at the new views of life he was placing before 
 me, " I must admit that that phrase did occur." 
 
 " Of course it did ; why, it is one of the regidar 
 forms of ' extorting invitations under false pretences.' 
 
THE FLESH. 1 83 
 
 I want the police to interfere, but it seems, altliough 
 they are doubtless begging-letters, containing fraud- 
 ulent misrepresentations, there is some difficulty 
 about bringing them within the terms of the Act." 
 
 "Never mind — live and let live — send hei the 
 invitation. It seems to me, my dear Spiffy, that 
 you and the Bodwinkles and Miss Eumsort are all 
 in the same line of life, so you should not be too 
 hard upon her. As a matter of policy, social adven- 
 turers should do what they can for each other." 
 
 Spiffy 's face flushed, for if he had lost the con- 
 science, he still retained the consciousness, of a gen- 
 tleman, and he felt the reproach. 
 
 Just at this moment, Mr Wog, who had been 
 elected an honorary member of the " Piccadilly," 
 and was standing, unconsciously to us, listening to 
 our conversation, struck in, and averted the retort 
 which was rising to Spiffy's lips. 
 
 " I guess." he said, turning to Spiffy, for whose 
 talents he evidently entertained a high admiration, 
 " that I could give you a few hints, from my own 
 experiences in New York, that might help you in 
 your line of business. My own, sir, in that city, 
 was quite similar to yours in this. You operate at 
 night in Mayfair, and by day ' On 'Change.' Well, 
 sir, I had two spheres of operation, one was on Wall 
 Street, and the other on Fifth Avenue. In fact, I 
 may say that Wall Street is the broad and flowery 
 
1 84 PICCADILLY. 
 
 road that leads to Fifth Avenue. The trouble with 
 operators in this country is, they don't understand 
 how to do things on a large scale. Now the first 
 thing I did when I went to do business in New 
 York, was to keep a judge." 
 
 "To keep a judge?" said Spiffy with amaze- 
 ment. 
 
 " Why, yes. How can you operate freely if you 
 are afraid of the law ? Besides his regular monthly 
 allowance, my judge gets a percentage on every one 
 of my financial enterprises which are fraudulent 
 according to the letter of the statute. Then it costs 
 me a good deal to manage to get all my lawsuits 
 tried in his court. Besides, I have to keep a number 
 of members of both the Houses of the Legislature 
 at Albany regularly retained, and to put a big pile 
 on one side for lobby operations at Washington, to 
 say nothing about keeping the pockets of police and 
 custom-house officers and other small fry well lined. 
 The press alone swallows up the fifth of all I make. 
 How do you suppose I could ever have accomplished 
 my celebrated combination by which I got four large 
 railroads under my control, and sold a secret issue of 
 twenty millions of stock for fifteen millions, without 
 ever paying one dime of it to any of the companies, 
 if I had not stopped the mouths of the lawyers, po- 
 liticians, and newspapers with greenbacks ? Why, 
 sir, I have ruined more whole families in one day by 
 
THE FLESH. 1 85 
 
 one of my financial operations, tlian any other man in 
 the United States has in a month ; and by the extra- 
 ordinary novelty, grandeur, variety, and success of 
 my undertakings, I have won the admiration, envy, 
 and respect of the majority of my countrymen." 
 
 Spiffy seemed deeply impressed by the superior 
 force and originality of conception displayed by Mr 
 Wog — no indication of these qualities appearing on 
 his calm exterior. " Of what nature are your opera- 
 tions in Fifth Avenue ?" he asked. 
 
 " Oh, purely social," Mr Wog replied. " You see 
 the aristocracy of New York require to be ap- 
 proached in a very special way. You can enter into 
 the ranks of the upper ten, either by becoming a 
 pillar of a fashionable church, or by driving the 
 fastest trotters and handsomest four-in-hand teams 
 in Central Park, or by the help of Mr Pink." 
 
 " By the help of Mr Pink ? " said I, interroga- 
 tively. 
 
 " Yes. He corresponds to our friend Spiffy here. 
 He is the sexton of St Grace's, the most fashionable 
 church in New York ; and when you have made 
 your pile, and want to start in fashionable life, and 
 don't know who to invite, he makes out your list, and 
 puts the invitations to your first ball in the prayer- 
 books of the congregation. It imparts a sort of 
 odour of sanctity to oiir entertainments, which is ex- 
 ceedingly gratifying to our most refined circles.'' 
 
1 86 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " T suppose," said I, " now that your social and 
 financial position are secured, you will run for Con- 
 gress." 
 
 " Sir," said Mr Wog, sternly, " when I explained 
 to you the nature of my commercial success, it was 
 to convey to you the idea of my smartness, not of 
 my meanness. I am not aware of having said any- 
 thing to lead you to suppose that I could so far de- 
 grade myself as to become a politician." 
 
 " What a comfort it will be," I remarked, " when 
 the rotten old despotisms of Europe, and the political 
 ambitions that belong to them, shall have crumbled 
 to the dust, and when we have instead the free and 
 glorious institutions of the West, which seem to 
 offer nothing to tempt a man from the ennobling 
 pursuit of hard cash ! " But llv Wog failed to ap- 
 preciate the force of my remark, as he was intently 
 endeavouring to catch the purport of a very private 
 conversation carried on by a group a few yards otf, 
 towards which he gradually edged, in the hope that 
 he might be able either to acquire or impart some 
 interesting information. 
 
 Spiffy looked more humbled and crestfallen than 
 I had ever seen him ; but remembering that he had 
 still a score unsettled, in consequence of the remark 
 which Mr Wog's arrival had interrupted, he said, 
 maliciously, — 
 
 " By the way, what is the real state of the case 
 
THE FLESH. 187 
 
 about you and Lady Ursula ? I don't apologise for 
 asking, as I am sure you must want the right ver- 
 sion to be known both for your sake and hers." 
 
 " The right version is simply that I neither am at 
 this moment nor ever have been engaged to Lady 
 Ursula." 
 
 " Then why did you tell Helter you were, and 
 why are you pulling the family through their diffi- 
 culties?" 
 
 " Because Helter was provoking me almost as 
 much as you are, though I admit that is no reason 
 why I should not have told the truth. As for the 
 motives which actuate me in meddling in those 
 pecuniary transactions in which you and Lady 
 Broadhem are implicated, I am afraid you would 
 not understand them if I were to attempt to explain 
 them. It is a complicated business altogether. We 
 shall get through it most satisfactorily by each mind- 
 ing our own share uf it," I said significantly, and I 
 walked off to a table where Broadhem was writing 
 letters. I had not seen him since my interview 
 with his sister. He looked gloomy and discon- 
 tented, and gave me a cold glance of recognition. 
 " How are you, Broadhem ? I suppose Lady Ursula 
 told you the result of our conversation," I said in a 
 low tone, and took a chair by his side. 
 
 He nodded sulldly, and showed a disposition to 
 cut me. My last few words with Spiffy had not 
 
1 88 PICCADILLY. 
 
 left me iu a mood to be cut unresistingly, so I said 
 sharply, " Well, I hope both you and Lady Broad- 
 hem will contradict the perfectly unfounded report 
 you were the means of spreading. I need not say 
 that I shall do my share, and I trust that you will 
 profit by the lesson you have received not to inter- 
 fere in matters of this sort again." 
 
 " I tell you what it is, Frank," said Broadhem, 
 who felt that somehow I was more to blame than he 
 was, but who was taken aback by my turning the 
 tables upon him so suddenly; "if it was not that 
 duelling is exploded, and that it would be against 
 my principles at any rate, I would shoot you." 
 
 " By way of helping to clear your property of its 
 encumbrances," I added. " Your mother has put 
 everything into my hands, and I can do pretty much 
 what I please with the whole family." 
 
 " Can you ? " said Broadhem, with a grim smile. 
 •' The only thing that consoles me in the whole affair 
 is, that you will find that you have got a little score 
 to settle with my mother. If you knew her as well 
 as I do, you would not anticipate the interview with 
 pleasure. As for Ursula, I suppose she knows her 
 own business best, but I don't envy her the life she 
 is likely to lead either." 
 
 " The alarming interview you threaten me with 
 gives me no uneasiness," I said, " but perhaps it may 
 be as well that you should let Lady Broadhem know 
 
THE FLESH. 1 89 
 
 that the fact of my not being engaged to her daugh- 
 ter will not interfere with the arrangements I am 
 making to put the money matters of the family 
 right." 
 
 " Why ! you can't mean that ! " said Broadhem, 
 thunderstruck at this unexpected announcement ; 
 and he looked at me with a glance of affectionate 
 interest. " You must be mad." 
 
 " Did your sister tell you so ? " I asked. 
 
 " Once she did make a mysterious speech, and I 
 really think she meant to imply something of the 
 sort. However, of course, I am only joking. I need 
 not say I hope, under the circumstances, it will be 
 long before you recover your sanity." 
 
 " Are you going to the Bodwinkles' to-morrow ? " 
 said I, doing a little of Bower and Scraper's work. 
 
 " Good gracious, no ! I am bored to death with 
 having to answer the question. The trouble my 
 mother has taken to get those people invitations is 
 something amazing. She even wanted me to go, 
 though she does not approve of balls, and never let 
 me learn to dance." 
 
 " Let me introduce you to Miss Geary, You are 
 not too old to begin." 
 
 " No," said Broadhem ; " I have started on the 
 other tack, and people would say it was inconsis- 
 tent ; besides, none of the young thinking men of 
 the day dance, even though they may not be reli- 
 
190 PICCADILLY. 
 
 gioiis. 1 don't suppose that there is a single man 
 in the Century dances." 
 
 This observation struck me as so preposterous 
 that I could only account for it by supposing that, 
 for the first time in his life, Broadhem had conde- 
 scended to " chaff." 
 
 " Not ' a man ' in the ideal sense, I daresay ; but 
 the boys are not more backward in this century than 
 in any former one." 
 
 " Boys ! " said Broadhem, indignantly ; " there are 
 no boys in the ' Century ; ' the ' Century ' is a club 
 that meets twice a-week. 1 don't go on Sunday 
 nights myself ; but some Thursday night I will take 
 you," and Broadhem plunged back into the corres- 
 pondence in which I had interrupted him, while I 
 strolled home down Piccadilly moralising on — the 
 Century. 
 
 I don't frequent balls now, but I went to Bod- 
 winkle's for a variety of reasons. One was, that I 
 knew I should see everybody, and have an opportu- 
 nity of informing the public correctly about my own 
 affairs. Another, that I should be able to talk over 
 some business matters with Bodwinkle, at a moment 
 when he might possibly be more pliant than I usu- 
 ally found him in the City. 
 
 Every soul was at Bodwinkle's — coroneted car- 
 riages filled the square ; a crowd of draggled men 
 and women formed a line six or eight deep on each 
 
THE FLESH. IQI 
 
 side of the awning, and between them fine ladiea 
 hurried across the pavement, encouraged and com- 
 plimented by familiar linkmen, and very particular 
 that the ' Morning Post ' reporter, seated at a table 
 in the hall, should take down their names accurately. 
 The stairs were so crowded that Bodwinkle, who 
 looked like one of his own footmen, and stood at the 
 top of them, facing his wife, was red and apoplectic 
 from pressure. His "lady," as I heard one of his 
 City friends call her, had achieved the greatest ob- 
 ject of her ambition in this life, which consisted in 
 grinning vacantly, and curtsying perpetually to peo- 
 ple she had never seen in her life before, and every 
 one of whom despised her for entertaining them. 
 
 " Curious idea of the climax of earthly enjoy- 
 ment," I remarked to Lady Veriphast, who was so 
 tightly wedged between the banisters and a rather 
 highly-scented ambassador from Central Asia, that 
 she spoke with difficulty ; " I suppose it must be a 
 pleasure to be at the top of one's own ladder, like 
 our hostess there, when so many are trying to climb 
 it." 
 
 ■' Do not philosophise in that ridiculous way; don't 
 you see I am suflfering agonies ? " said Lady Veri- 
 phast, in a tone of suppressed anguish. " Pinch this 
 horrid barbarian in front of me or I shall faint." 
 
 " Madam," I overheard a well-known voice say in 
 a nasal tone close to me, " allow me to remaik, that 
 
192 PICCADILLY. 
 
 for a hand, arm, and wrist, I have not seen anything 
 since I have been in England like that owned by 
 your daughter Mary ; " and Mr Wog complacently 
 edged himself from the side of Lady Mundane to 
 that of the daughter he had eulogised, and who aud- 
 ibly asked Scraper to get between her and that hor- 
 rid man. 
 
 "Just what one deserves for coming to such a 
 place," said Lady Mundane furiously, who, by the 
 way, had repeatedly asked AVog to her own parties. 
 
 '■ I have often remarked, sir," said ]\Ir Wog, who 
 I think overheard this observation, turning to me, 
 " that the ladies in your country allow quite a sin- 
 gular effect to be produced in their hair. If you 
 will cast your eye down the stair you will observe 
 a young person on the landing, the parting of whose 
 hair, for the space of one inch on either side, is black, 
 while the two large bunches on her temples are red. 
 That, sir, is a phenomenon I have not remarked in 
 my own country." 
 
 " Don't you know how it happens ? " said that 
 spiteful old Lady Catchpole, whose eyes twinkled 
 with malice as she explained to Mr Wog that, 
 when the hair had been thoroughly dyed it could 
 only recover its natural colour by this slow process, 
 but that usually the effect was concealed by a 
 postiche ; and she looked liard at Lady Veriphast, 
 whose hair was suspiciously crc.p6, and who wished 
 
THE FLESH. 193 
 
 it to be supposed tliat she bluslied because she was 
 still under the pressure of the Asiatic ambassador. 
 
 "What is the exact meaning of the term pos- 
 tiche?" asked Mr Wog, who observed Lady Veri- 
 phast's confusion, and whose thirst for information 
 seemed to increase with his powers of making 
 himself disagreeable ; " I guess it must mean some 
 kind of wig." 
 
 " No " said Lady Catchpole ; " anything false 
 which is well made up we call a postiche; it need 
 not be exactly a wig." 
 
 " Nor yet a Tory," interrupted Wog, with more 
 readiness than I gave him credit for. " I calculate 
 you should call a Liberal Conservative a posticJie. 
 It seems to me the most popular political platform 
 in this country at your next elections is going to be 
 
 "Look, my dear," said Lady Pimlico to Lady 
 Mundane, " there are tlie two Frenchwomen," and 
 she directed universal attention to the last im- 
 portations from the Continent, Madame la Princesse 
 de Biaisee a la Queue, and La Baronne de Colte, 
 whose fame had preceded them from Paris, and 
 who created such a sensation that the general hum 
 on the stairs increased, and the whole society col- 
 lected there audibly criticised the new-comers. 
 " V/liy,- positively the tall one has got her hair 
 done eii jjainllon — I thought it had gone out — I 
 
 N 
 
194 PICCADILLY. 
 
 suppose her face won't bear being coiffd a la 
 grecque; and the other is outrageously painted." 
 This remark was made so loud that both ladies 
 looked up, but failed to check the running fire of 
 comments which tlieir dress and appearance sug- 
 gested. 
 
 " They say the Princess makes up for her want 
 of looks by her legs," drawled out Larkington to 
 Lady Veriphast; "but I am afraid we shall not 
 have an opportunity of seeing them to-night, it is 
 so crowded." 
 
 " They are not worth looking at ; I saw them at 
 a fancy ball in Paris," said Lady Veriphast, " and I 
 assure you you would be disappointed. By the 
 way, have you the least notion who the Bodwinkles 
 are?" 
 
 " Not 1," replied Larkington. " I did not come 
 here to make their acquaintance, nor I hope did 
 you." 
 
 I think Mrs Bodwinkle heard the speech — for it 
 is customary in good society to make remarks 
 about one's neighbours in rather a loud tone — as 
 she coloured a little when she was pointed out to 
 Larkington by the fat butler as the person to 
 whom he was expected to bow. Poor woman ! she 
 probably thought he would be embarrassed when 
 he found out his proximity; but Larkington is 
 above any such weakness, and sauntered on after 
 
THE FLESH. 195 
 
 Lady Veriphast, with whom he has affichdd himself 
 for the last few weeks, to the great comfort of 
 Veriphast, who has long been desirous of making 
 his wife share the scandal which has attached to 
 his name for some time past. 
 
 " And it is for this, my dear Mrs Bodwinkle," I 
 thought, " that you have given up your villa at Clap- 
 ham, and the friends that respectfully worshipped 
 at the Bodwinkle shrine, who gazed upon you with 
 reverend upturned eyes, instead of irreverent up- 
 turned noses, like the present company ! Do you 
 think, when you have blazed for a moment and 
 gone out like a blue-light, that you will know how 
 to find your way in the dark back to Clapham, or 
 that you will be able to collect your old congre- 
 gation ? Will not new Bodwinkles have arisen 
 above the suburban horizon, or will the departed 
 glories of your rapid but bright passage across the 
 firmament of fashion always secure you an audience 
 who will gladly listen to your wonderful ex- 
 periences in the great world, to whom you will 
 recount the devotion manifested towards you by 
 certain noblemen, and the slights you received at 
 the hands of certain noblewomen, and who will 
 stare when you describe the Broadhem-Spiffy com- 
 bination which sent you up like a rocket, and the 
 sudden collapse of that combination which will 
 assuredly bring you down like a stick? Never 
 
196 PICCADILLY. 
 
 mind, Mrs B. ; whatever happens, nothing short of 
 a fire can deprive you of the basket of fashionable 
 cards which will be left upon you during the 
 season, and which, carefully treasured with your 
 dinner melius, will be a lasting evidence of the 
 reality of that social triumph which might otherwise 
 seem like the ' baseless fabric of a dream.' " 
 
 And this consideration reminds me that I possess 
 middle-class readers, who may positively doubt the 
 truth of the picture which I am endeavouring to 
 give them of the society in which Mrs Bodwinkle 
 now found herself. They will not have the ad- 
 vantage of hearing from the lips of that good lady 
 these wonderful traits of the manners and customs 
 of this, to them, mysterious class. And therefore 
 they will fail to see any particular merit in what 
 they may suppose to be merely a flippant de- 
 lineation of a purely ideal state of society. My 
 dear readers, I should be no more competent to 
 invent a state of society so eccentric in its habits 
 and constitution as this of London cream, than I 
 should be to write an account of lion-hunting like 
 the late lamented Jules Gerard. Tliat was a real 
 strain upon the imaginative and constructive 
 faculties ; I aspire to no such talent, but simply 
 contemplate hyperbolically a certain phase of con- 
 temporary civilisation. If, by way of a little 
 pastime, T put Mayfair into a fancy dress, it only 
 
THE FLESH. 197 
 
 appears in its true colours and becomes fancy-fair, 
 with a great deal of show and very little substance ; 
 so I dress it up as it pleases me, but I invent 
 nothing. I confine myself strictly to the stage 
 properties. You in the pit or gallery may be too 
 far off to see, but I assure you I have avoided any- 
 thing beyond the exaggeration permissible in a 
 caricature. As I know your imitative faculties, 
 dear middle classes, I can conscientiously assure 
 you that you may take ' Piccadilly ' as a guide 
 upon which to frame your own society. Take the 
 most successful costermonger of the neighbourhood 
 and erect him into a Bodwinkle, and fall down upon 
 your knees before the most opulent pawnbroker of 
 your parish; and you will feel that you are only 
 performing, on a humble scale, the same act of 
 worship as those above you. 
 
 Lady Jane Helter, followed by Wild Harrie, 
 came up while I was thus musing. "So, Lord 
 Frank," she said, "you are not to be congratulated 
 after all? I suppose you heard of our dinner at 
 the Whitechapels' ? We all thought your conduct 
 very incomprehensible. I assure you Lady Broad- 
 hem seemed as much in the dark as the rest of us." 
 
 " And you want to be enlightened ? " said L 
 " Well, it has been a social canard throughout, 
 which I did not at first think worth contradicting. 
 There must be a certain number every season." 
 
198 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " I am sure we waut them more than ever now," 
 said Wild Harrie. " Was there ever such an utterly 
 flat season? I only went to two balls last week, 
 and, as they say at 'the corner,' 'there was posi- 
 tively nothing doing.' " 
 
 " It is not the same in every corner," said I ; 
 " look opposite," and I pointed out Larkington and 
 Lady Veriphast snugly ensconced in a recess. 
 
 " Poor Amy ! I am afraid that won't suit her 
 book," said Wild Harrie. " She is really devoted 
 to Lord Larkington. I told her to hedge, but she 
 says she has too much heart. By the way, I want 
 to have a little private conversation with you. Take 
 me to have a cup of tea, or a quadrille, or some- 
 thing" — this in rather a low tone, not for Lady 
 Jane's benefit ; and we sidled off through the throng, 
 leaving Lady Jane at the doorway, which, in the 
 absence of her ladyship, does duty as chaperon. 
 
 " Do you know, Lord Frank," said my companion, 
 " that it really was very kind of you to get me the 
 invitation you did, and that I can appreciate kind- 
 ness ; can you guess how ? " 
 
 " By asking me to do something else for you," I 
 said. 
 
 "Exactly," she said, laughing; "but this time 
 it will not perhaps be quite so easy. I want you 
 to get me a card for Lady Broadheui's ou Thursday 
 week." 
 
THE FLESH. 199 
 
 " For Lady Broadhem's ! " said T, astounded. 
 " How on earth did you come to hear of it ? Why, 
 it is a meeting, not a party. A few Christian 
 friends are going to hear the Bishop of the Caribbee 
 Islands describe the state of mission-work in his 
 diocese. You would be bored to death." 
 
 "Indeed I should not," said Wild Harrie. "I 
 have a brother in India ; and I have heard so much 
 about the heathen. Besides, I want to make Lady 
 Ursula's acquaintance." 
 
 "I really don't think," said I, a good deal 
 puzzled, "that you will find it a very congenial 
 atmosphere, but I am sure nobody can know Lady 
 Ursula without deriving benefit, so I should feel too 
 glad to be the means of maldng you acquainted; 
 but Lady Jane will never take you." 
 
 " Oh, mamma will ; you know her brother was 
 a clergyman. Promise. Don't forget — one for me 
 and one for mamma. Now I must leave you; I 
 quite forgot I was engaged to little Haultort for 
 this dance, and there he is hunting for me every- 
 where," and she dragged me to the spot where that 
 young gentleman was stroking a fluffy mustache, 
 with an imbecile air. 
 
 " Do you call that hunting ? " said I ; "he must 
 be in chase of ideas." 
 
 "Of course he is. Now watch him catch his 
 ?W^e fixe" and she placed herself before him. Poor 
 
200 PICCADILLY. 
 
 youth ! how he coloured and stammered, as a ray 
 of intelligence illumined his countenance ! " So 
 that is the way you keep your engagements, Lord 
 Haultort, is it? Well, you have forfeited your 
 dance " — the ray went out — " but you may take me 
 back to Lady Jane." The ray came back again ; he 
 was sufficiently experienced to know what that 
 meant, and Lord Haultort disappeared into the 
 next room with his icUe fixe on his arm, and I 
 looked the other way half an hour after, when I 
 passed the corresponding recess in which Larking- 
 ton and Lady Veriphast were still sitting, and saw 
 who were there. 
 
 "I wonder what that little girl wants to know 
 the Broadhems for?" I ruminated, and for some 
 time I was positively fool enough to continue to 
 wonder. 
 
 "I tell you what it is, Goldtip," I overheard 
 Bodwinkle say, "that idea of yours about giving 
 presents is all humbug ; we've got the people here, 
 what do you want to give them presents for ? " 
 
 " In the first place," retorted Spiffy, " they will 
 never come again unless you keep faith with them 
 now, for I have been giving it out specially that no 
 expense was to be spared ; and in the second place, 
 as you have got all the presents made up in rib- 
 bons, &c., what else are you to do with them ? The 
 girls will be terribly disappointed." 
 
THE FLESH. 20I 
 
 Bodwinkle shook his head sulkily, and Spiffy, 
 seeing me, adroitly turned the conversation. " I 
 was talking over the prospects of the approaching 
 election, Erank, with Bodwinkle, and telling him 
 how much you could assist us with your influence 
 in Shuflleborough ; it seems to me that he is likely 
 to be turned out unless your brother-in-law, Sir 
 John Stepton, will come to the rescue. It would 
 be well worth your while, Bodwinkle, to let Lady 
 Broadhem's matter stand over until you have made 
 sure of your seat," said Spiffy, looking significantly 
 at me. 
 
 "Oh, certainly," said Bodwinkle, "if you will 
 secure your brother-in-law's adhesion to our plans. 
 You will find me very amenable in that unfortu- 
 nate affair of Lady Broadhem's. I know what an 
 interest you take in it, and I am sure, for your sake, 
 if not for hers — ahem," and Bodwinkle, quite un- 
 conscious that he was behaving like a scoundrel, 
 smiled upon me blandly. 
 
 " It seems to me," said I, " that, considering what 
 you owe to Lady Broadhem," and I looked round 
 the crowded room, " you ought not to be too hard 
 upon her." 
 
 " Ah, well, I must admit that her ladyship and 
 our friend Goldtip here are doing their best to bal- 
 ance the account ; but I have made it a principle 
 through life never to be satisfied with anything 
 
202 nCCADILLY. 
 
 short of my full money's worth ; and I don't even 
 feel now, if you make my election a certainty, that 
 we shall be more than square." 
 
 "What are your other principles besides that of 
 getting your full money's worth ? " said I, with a 
 sneer, that was lost upon Bodwinkle. 
 
 "High Tory," he replied, promptly. "None of 
 your Liberal Conservatives for me this time — that 
 did well enough last election." 
 
 " But Stepton is an absolute Radical," said I. 
 
 " Exactly : that is wdiy he is so important. You 
 see the fact is — here, Goldtip, explain our little 
 game ; it is all his idea, and he can put it better 
 than me." 
 
 I knew from the bold defiant w^ay in which Spiffy 
 raised his eyes to mine that his original and un- 
 scrupulous genius had conceived a coup cVetat of 
 some kind, so I listened curiously. 
 
 " I am going to stand for Shuffleborough, and it 
 is I who w^ant Sir John Stepton's vote and influ- 
 ence," he announced, calmly. 
 
 "You!" said I, amazed; "what are you going 
 to stand as? and who is going to pay your ex- 
 penses ? " 
 
 " I am going to stand as an extreme Liberal, and 
 Bodwinkle as a regular old Tory. He is going to 
 pay my expenses. We are going to strike out an 
 entirely new line, and have convictions. He can't 
 
THE FLESH. 203 
 
 come the Liberal Conservative this time, as one of 
 the Liberals who is very popular has gone in rather 
 extensively for the Moderate Conservatives. So 
 there is nothing for it but to come forward as an 
 ont-and-out Tory, and put me up as a Eadical ; by 
 these means we hope to floor both the fellows that 
 are trying the trimming game. Of course I am not 
 intended to come in — I only split the party." 
 
 " But if you stand, one of the others will retire. 
 Look at what has just happened at Westminster." 
 
 " Then Bodwinkle starts his wife's cousin Tom — 
 why, he is rich enough to keep all three Liberals in 
 the field to fight him if necessary; and you are 
 pluck to the backbone, aint you, old fellow ? " and 
 Spiffy slapped Bodwinkle on the back. 
 
 " Perhaps you would like to see our addresses," 
 he went on, — "here they are ; I wrote them both. 
 I shall issue mine first, and Bodwinkle's a day or 
 two after." 
 
 " ]\Iay I take them home to read ? " I asked. 
 "Oh, certainly, and frame your own on their 
 model if you like," said Spiffy, laughing ; " they'll 
 be the neatest thing out in addresses, I assure 
 you." 
 
 " Mr Goldtip, I wish you would exert yourself, 
 instead of talking politics with Mr B.," said Mrs 
 Bodwinkle, coming up ; " there are all sorts of 
 things to arrange, and T am sure T don't know who 
 
204 PICCADILLY. 
 
 is to take who down to supper;" and Spiffy was 
 carried away upon special service. 
 
 " Good-night, Bodwinkle," said I ; " yonr ball is 
 a great success, but I am an early man, and hot 
 rooms don't suit me. I understand the political 
 situation thoroughly now, and without pledging 
 myself to anything, will see what is to be done." 
 
 " Of course, all in the most perfect confidence ; 
 it would never do for Stepton to suspect what we 
 were at." 
 
 "Oh, it would be absolute ruin. There is just 
 one question I should like to ask, Can you give me 
 your solemn word that in all this you have no other 
 motive but the single one of being of use to your 
 country ? " 
 
 " Eh ! " said Bodwinkle, with his eyes rather wide 
 open. 
 
 " I repeat," said I, slowly, " Is your only object in 
 getting into Parliament that you may be of use to 
 the country? or is it that the country may be of use 
 to you ? " 
 
 " I must ask you one in return," said Bodwinkle : 
 " Will it depend upon my answer whether or not 
 you exert yourself in my favour ? " 
 
 " Entirely," said I. 
 
 "Then, my dear Lord Frank," said Bodwinkle, 
 affectionately grasping my hand, " believe me, that 
 so far as I am concerned, and I can say the same 
 
THE FLESH. 205 
 
 for Goldtip, our only single desire is to do that 
 which England expects of every man at such a 
 crisis, — our duty, entirely irrespective of all personal 
 considerations." 
 
 I wrung Bodwinkle's hand warmly (I could have 
 crushed every bone in it), and threw an expression 
 of tender interest into my glance as I said, " I won- 
 der, Bodwinkle, how many candidates are actuated 
 by these lofty views in the coming election ; but 
 you must not let yourself be too much carried 
 away by your Quixotic convictions. Eemember, 
 my friend, what you owe to your party." 
 
 " I never forget it," said Bodwinkle, readily. " I 
 have four things to consider — my country, my party, 
 my family, and my conscience. I begin by asking 
 my conscience what are the interests of my country. 
 My conscience replies promptly that my party 
 should be in power. I then ask my conscience 
 what are the interests of my family, and my con- 
 science invariably says the same thing. I then ask 
 my conscience whether it has any political views 
 of its own, and my conscience responds that it is a 
 mercantile conscience, which has always been ab- 
 sorbed in commerce, and that takes no interest in 
 abstract politics ; so that practically, you see, I have 
 no difficulty, so far as my conscience is concerned." 
 
 " Wog is right," I mused as I walked home — 
 " posliche is everywhere. We certainly do ' make 
 
206 PICCADILLY. 
 
 up' well. I suppose this country never looked 
 more fair and flourishing in the eyes of the world 
 in general than it does at this moment. We have 
 made a great succes by means of postiche — there is 
 no denying it. But we shall fall to pieces all of a 
 sudden like old Lady Pimlico; and the wrinkles 
 will appear before long in the national cheeks in 
 spite of the rouge. Ah, the taunts we shall have to 
 endure when the postiche is discovered, from the 
 rivals that have always been jealous and are still 
 under the prestige of our former charms ! Then the 
 kings of the earth with whom we have lived deli- 
 cately will turn against us, for they will remember 
 our greed and our pride and our egotism, in the 
 days when we sold our virtue for gold, and our 
 honour for a mess of pottage. Is there no one who 
 will cry aloud in the streets while there is yet time? 
 — will there not be one man in these coming elec- 
 tions who will have the courage to tell the people 
 that their senses are so drugged by prosperity that 
 they are blind to the impending doom, and that the 
 only way to avert it will be by a policy diametri- 
 cally opposed to that which has fascinated the 
 nation for the last few years, because it has con- 
 ducted them so pleasantly along those smooth and 
 flowery paths that lead to destruction? Be sure, 
 oh my countrymen, that for you collectively, as 
 well as individually, there is a broad and a narrow 
 
THE FLESH. 20; 
 
 way, and that as surely as a nation ignores its 
 duties towards God and its obligations towards its 
 neighbours, so surely will a swift judgment over- 
 take it ! " I was interrupted by a policeman at this 
 point, who kindly called my attention to the fact 
 that in my prophetic fervour I had myself been 
 crying aloud in the streets, and accompanying my 
 denunciations with appropriate action. " I will 
 throw off a few of these ideas for the benefit of my 
 constituents, while the sacred fire is still upon me," 
 thought I, as I stood at my bay-window, and watched 
 the grey dawn of the June morning breaking over 
 Green Park. Sleep at such a moment is impossible, 
 and I pulled the addresses of Spiffy and Bodwinkle 
 from my pocket. 
 
 " Gentlemen," says Spiffy to the independent 
 electors of Shuffleborough, " in soliciting the favour 
 of your suffrages at the approaching general elec- 
 tion, I am aware that I labour under the disadvan- 
 tage of coming before you as an untried man, but I 
 ask you all the more confidently on this account to 
 substitute me for one who has been tried and found 
 wanting. Still more painfully conscious am I of 
 the fact that I am open to the charge of causing a 
 fatal split in that Liberal party to which I have the 
 honour to belong. Gentlemen, I regret to say that 
 in some instances the members of that party have 
 not been true to the principles which they profess, 
 
20b' nCCADILLY. 
 
 and have issued addresses almost identical in the 
 terms they employ and in the measures they ad- 
 vocate with those of the Liberal Conservative party. 
 It is no satisfaction to me to be told that there are 
 as many false Conservatives as there are false 
 Liberals, As a friend of the people I am opposed 
 to all compromises, and will unflinchingly expose 
 treachery in the camp. You will find that my 
 political views are clear and decided. 
 
 " Though a member of the Church of England, I 
 am in favour of the total abolition of Church-rates, 
 as I believe that you will spiritualise the Church 
 precisely in proportion as you starve it. 
 
 " I am in favour of an extension of the franchise 
 to such an extent as will comprise all the working- 
 classes, and thus pave the way to that universal 
 suffrage in which I myself shall be included, and 
 for the first time enjoy the privilege of voting. 
 
 " Should I fail to be returned as your member 
 upon this occasion, I shall be in favour of a re- 
 distribution of seats. 
 
 " I believe that an era of universal peace is 
 dawning upon the world, and I am therefore an 
 advocate of the total suppression of our armaments 
 both by sea and land. 
 
 " I think that the Christian spirit disjilayed in 
 our foreign policy which has induced us to court 
 national insult for the purpose of setting an ex- 
 
THE FLESH. 20q 
 
 ample of forbearance, and which has enabled us 
 humbly but surely to extend our commercial rela- 
 tions, has procured for us the highest moral position 
 which has ever yet been accorded to a people. To 
 increase the wealth of the nation and to foster its 
 Christian spirit, will be recognised by me as a 
 primary duty, if I am honoured with the high 
 trust of being your representative in the Commons 
 House of Parliament." 
 
 Now comes Bodwinkle's address, written by the 
 versatile author of the last : — 
 
 " Gentlemen, — The appearance of a third can- 
 didate in the Liberal interest within the last few 
 days induces me to break the silence which I have 
 up to this time preserved. I have observed with 
 pain that in many instances the addresses issued 
 by gentlemen calling themselves Liberal Con- 
 servatives or Conservative Eeformers, are of the 
 most subversive tendency, and entirely opposed 
 to the spirit of that old and enlightened party to 
 which I have the honour to belong. I repudiate, 
 therefore, entirely that temporising language which 
 a large number of candidates calling themselves 
 Conservatives hold, and which it has suited one 
 of my opponents, who calls himself a Liberal, to 
 adopt. I believe I shall best recommend myself 
 to this constituency by an honest and unswerving 
 advocacy of those views which the Tory party of 
 
2IO nCCADILLY. 
 
 this country have invariably maintained. INfore 
 fondly attached, if possible, to the Church of Eng- 
 land than I was upon the occasion when I last 
 addressed you, I am more than ever convinced that 
 money is the only thing that keeps it going. I am 
 therefore entirely opposed to the abolition of those 
 rates which form the foundation of that pillar upon 
 which the State has been accustomed securely to 
 repose. 
 
 " I am opposed to the enfranchisement of the 
 working man, as, in tlie probable event of a com- 
 bination between the labouring classes and the 
 aristocracy, that middle class to which I have the 
 honour to belong would cease to direct the destinies 
 of the country. Any lateral measure of reform, 
 unattended, however, by a vertical movement, 
 which should exclude this possibility, will have my 
 entire concurrence. 
 
 " I am in favour of a measure which shall largely 
 increase the armaments of the country, and at the 
 same time reduce the cost of their maintenance. 
 
 " I have profound confidence in the policy of the 
 great Conservative party in their relations with 
 foreign nations. The fact that they have hitherto 
 declined to define what that policy is, renders it 
 impossible for me to enter more fully into this 
 subject at present. 
 
 " In a word, should you do me the honour to 
 
THE FLESH. 2TI 
 
 return me as your member, you will find me 
 Liberal only in my views as to the modes in which 
 money may be acquired, and Conservative always 
 when there is a question of expenditure." 
 
 It is a grand idea but a great experiment this 
 of having convictions, which Spiffy has just started, 
 thought I. I have been cursed with them all my 
 life, but never could turn them to account. Now 
 in this case, for instance, he is using convictions — 
 postiche convictions certainly — to get Bod winkle 
 into Parliament; the result of my convictions is, 
 that if I express them they will turn me out. A 
 prophet is without honour in his own country, 
 more especially when the whole constituency has 
 become sceptical and apathetic. I shall issue an 
 address to the free and independent electors of 
 Dunderhead. And under the inspiration of the 
 moment I wrote as follows: — 
 
 _" Piccadilly, J2me 20, 1865. 
 
 " Gentlemen, — In announcing my intention not 
 to solicit your suffrages at the approaching general 
 election, I feel that it is due to you that I should 
 state the reason why I do not again seek the high 
 honour which you have upon two previous occasions 
 conferred upon me, of representing you in Par- 
 liament. The prosperity of the country is now so 
 great that I feel it has no further need of my 
 services. In default of any great question of 
 
212 PICCADILLY. 
 
 national importance, the rival political parties ara 
 reduced to the lamentable predicament of having 
 nothing to fight for except office. As I have never 
 taken the slightest interest in the fortunes of either 
 party, except as embodying or representing the 
 triumph of certain principles, the disappearance of 
 those principles, and the difficulty of distinguishing 
 by their expressed opinions between one party and 
 the other, renders it quite impossible for me to follow 
 the example of the candidates on both sides, and 
 to stand upon — nothing ! Gentlemen, I have no 
 doubt that before very long something will turn up 
 for me to stand upon. I will wait till then. IMean- 
 time, I feel that to profess any decided convictions 
 upon matters either of home or foreign politics at 
 this juncture would be considered in bad taste, if 
 not impertinent, and I shall therefore reserve what- 
 ever I have to say for a future occasion, when the 
 exigencies of the country may render it absolutely 
 necessary that some individual in it should have an 
 opinion." 
 
 There, I don't think I need say anything more. 
 I meant to have written these Dunderheadians 
 something that would have made them remember 
 me after I was gone ; but I am getting sleepy, and 
 they would not have understood it. I will give 
 £1000 to be applied to the wants of the muni- 
 cipality instead. " In conclusion," I went on, " I 
 
THE FLESH. 213 
 
 beg to offer a tribute to the only article of political 
 faith in which you still believe, and to place £1000 
 at the disposal of the mayor and corporation, which, 
 in addition to the money spent in the contest that 
 my retirement will render inevitable, will, I trust, 
 not only be of substantial service to the borough, 
 but secure my re-election upon any future occasion. 
 " Tkank Vanecourt." 
 
 Good-night, Dunderheadians. If in spite of this 
 you send me a requisition to stand again, I will 
 decline on a ground simple enough even for your 
 comprehension — It is too hot ! 
 
 It was no business of mine, after the explanation 
 which I had had with Lady Ursula upon the sub- 
 ject of our rumoured engagement, to revert to the 
 topic with any of her family. If Lady Broadhem 
 was dissatisfied with the position of affairs, I sup- 
 posed that I should hear of it quite soon enough ; 
 my only anxiety was about Ursula herself. I 
 trembled for her domestic peace and comfort. 
 Broadhem's few words about his sister's happiness 
 under the altered circumstances were very signi- 
 ficant, and I determined therefore to get her lady- 
 ship as much in my power as possible, by exercising 
 to its utmost extent the right which I had wrung 
 from her of a full control over her pecuniary affairs. 
 If my wealth did not enable me to purchase my 
 
214 PICCADILLY. 
 
 own happiness, it should at least enable me to 
 secure the happiness of her whom I loved best in 
 the world. I had never wavered in my resolution 
 somehow or other to effect this great end, but my 
 plans must of necessity undergo some change now 
 that Lady Broadhem's eyes were opened to the real 
 state of the case. I was much puzzled what to do 
 about Grandon. Sometimes I felt a yearning to 
 take him fully into my confidence and consult with 
 him upon that delicate topic which touched us both 
 so nearly ; but though he was kind and considerate 
 as ever, there was a constraint about our intercourse 
 of which we were both painfully conscious. We 
 avoided all allusion to the Broadhems, and he never 
 called in Grosvenor Square, nor, so far as I know, 
 had met Lady Ursula since the memorable dinner 
 which had terminated so disagreeably for us all. 
 Under the circumstances, I had also thought the 
 wisest, and for many reasons the most proper, 
 course for me was, to abstain from going there until 
 I should hear from Lady Broadhem ; and although 
 I was anxious to consult her upon many business 
 matters, I preferred letting them remain in abey- 
 ance to courting an interview which I dreaded. 
 At last I began to think Lady Broadhem's silence 
 rather ominous. I felt tliat a thunder-cloud had 
 been gathering for some time past, and that the 
 sooner it burst the better. 1 occasionally found 
 
THE FLESH. 215 
 
 myself walking past the door of the house, and 
 wondering what was going on inside it. I felt that 
 there would be something undignified about pump- 
 ing Broadhem, and yet every time I met him I ex- 
 perienced an irresistible desire to do so. 
 
 At last one day he volunteered a remark, from 
 which I gathered that he was as anxious for infor- 
 mation as I was. " Have you seen my mother 
 lately?" he began. 
 
 " Not for weeks." 
 
 " Do you know she is carrying on a lot of things 
 just the same as ever ? " 
 
 " I don't think that possible," I said ; " she could 
 do nothing without my knowledge." 
 
 " She is, though," said Broadhem ; " I can't quite 
 make out what is going on, because, you know, she 
 never condescends to discuss her affairs with any of 
 us ; but I feel certain there is some new scheme 
 afloat." 
 
 " Is she kind to your sister ? " I asked. 
 
 " She is neither kind nor unkind : she is very 
 little at home, and seems to have lost all interest in 
 her own family. She wants us to believe that it is 
 the heathen ; but I must say that she never used to 
 neglect her daughters for them, and always said, 
 what so many good people forget, that the first duty 
 of a Christian woman was to attend to her own 
 family. I am getting very uneas}," said Broadhem, 
 
2l6 PICCADILLY. 
 
 with a sigh ; " I feel a presentiment that there i3 
 some sort of a crash coming ; I wish you would go 
 and see her." 
 
 " I did not intend going to her conversazione 
 next week, but as she has sent me a card I suppose 
 she wants to see me, I will come and hear my 
 friend Joseph Caribbee Islands hold forth. By the 
 way, I quite forgot I promised to ask Lady Broad- 
 hem for a card for Lady Wylde and her daughter ; 
 will you send one when you get home ? You don't 
 know Miss Wylde, do you ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Broadhem, and he coloured and 
 looked away ; " I have just met her, and that is 
 all. Did she ask you for the invitation?" 
 
 " What ! you have met her, and she did not tell 
 you the interest she takes in missions ? I see you 
 are half converted already. Take care, Broadhem ; 
 you are no great catch ; but she does not, perhaps, 
 exactly know that, and all is fish that comes to her 
 net. Nevertheless, don't forget to send her the 
 invitation ; " and I saw the flush of gratified vanity 
 mount to the brow of Broadhem, and no longer 
 wondered why Wild Harrie had expressed a wush 
 to make Lady Ursula's acquaintance. Poor Ursula ! 
 what Broadhem had said about his mother's change 
 of manner decided me not to neglect the oppor- 
 tunity which presented itself of going to her 
 " meetinff," and coming to a distinct understanding 
 
THE FLESH. 217 
 
 with Lady Broadliem upon the present position of 
 affairs. I had no douht that that veteran campaigner 
 had not been idle ; and I was afraid, under the cir- 
 cumstances, that too mucli time had already been 
 allowed her. 
 
 "Do you think Miss Wylde is going down to 
 Ascot?" asked Broadhem, who had maintained an 
 embarrassed silence during this interval. 
 
 " She went down yesterday with the Helters ; 
 she stays the week with them at their cottage/' 1 
 replied. 
 
 " I have never been to Ascot/' he said, awkwardly 
 — " in fact I never saw a race in my life. I think 
 a man, even though he does not approve of racing, 
 ought to have seen it once — don't you?" 
 
 "Certainly," said I, "especially when you can 
 see Wild Harrie at the same time." 
 
 " I say/' said Broadhem, and he stopped short. 
 
 "Well?" 
 
 " I wish to goodness there was some way of going 
 to Ascot without being seen. I suppose one is sure 
 to come across a lot of men one knows." 
 
 " Not if you go and stay with the clergyman of 
 the parish/' I said. 
 
 " I don't know him. It is not for myself, but I 
 don't think my mother would like my going." 
 
 " Then don't go." 
 
 " What an unsatisfactory fellow you are ! I shall 
 
21 8 PICCADILLY. 
 
 go and talk over the matter with Ursula — she always 
 helps me out of my difficulties." 
 
 " What does she know about Ascot?" I asked. 
 
 " Oh, she does not know about Ascot, but some- 
 how or other she always tells me what is the best 
 thing to do about everything." 
 
 " I suppose, then, j'-ou tell her everything ?" 
 
 "Almost," he said. 
 
 " Take my advice, and make a clean breast of it, 
 my dear boy ; " and I felt kindly towards him for 
 the way he spoke about his sister. " Depend upon 
 it, no half confidences do in such a case. Tell her 
 that I shall come to you on Thursday of next week;" 
 and I pressed his hand. I had never cared about 
 him for his own sake, but my heart warmed towards 
 him for hers. 
 
219 
 
 PART VI. 
 
 THE " 
 
 Piccadilly, July 1. 
 I AM now about to venture upon the very thinnest 
 ice upon which fool ever rushed. The fact is, I am 
 morally trembling like an aspen; but somebody 
 must do it. I have put it off for five months, and 
 tried to work up my courage by hammering away at 
 the fashionable world, but they take it like lambs. 
 Dear people, whatever their vices may be, they never 
 resent criticism. Whether their consciences tell 
 them they are superior to it, or whether they have 
 not got consciences, I don't know, but, on the whole, 
 the fashionable world is an easy, good-natured world; 
 but oh, not so that other world, which is still essen- 
 tially " the world," and very necessary to keep un- 
 spotted from, though it is thankful that it is not as 
 that other world is, from which in its humility it 
 takes care to distinguish itself by the self-applied 
 epithet of " religious." It grieves me to think of the 
 
220 PICCADILLY. 
 
 number of my friends whom I sliall pain by presum- 
 ing to touch upon this subject, to say nothing of the 
 righteous indignation I shall call down from those 
 whose function it has been to give, not take, reproof 
 The great art of the " worldly-holies " — not, I believe, 
 deliberately practised, but insensibly acquired — is 
 to confuse in the minds of the poor dear " whoUy- 
 worldlies " the sublime religion which they profess, 
 with their mode of professing it. So they would 
 have it to be understood that, when you find fault 
 with their practices, you are reflecting upon that 
 very religion, the precepts of which they seem to 
 some utterly to ignore. The " religious world " is 
 no more composed of exclusively good men and 
 women than the Episcopalian Church is. I will 
 even venture to go further, and say that the good 
 men and women in it are a very small minorit}^, 
 judging only from the public performances of the 
 " worldly-holies " in matters in which humility, sin- 
 cerity, self-sacrifice, and toleration, are concerned. 
 And if you want a proof of it, ask your friends in 
 the religious world if they agree in what I say of it. 
 and the very few you may find who do, will be that 
 small minority of whom I speak. 
 
 I am perfectly ready to admit that I have no 
 more right to preach to them than they have to 
 preach to me. I only ask those among them who 
 are sincere, to believe that I am actuated by the same 
 
THE " ." 221 
 
 desire to improve tliem that they are to do good to 
 me. It is not merely in their own interest, but in 
 the interest of their fellow-men, that I venture to 
 write thus, and to point out to them that, if they 
 " lived the life," instead of talking the talk, they 
 might attract instead of repelling that other world 
 which they condemn. It is not living the life to 
 form a select and exclusive society, with its vanities 
 and its excitements, and its scandals and its envy- 
 ings and jealousies, which keeps itself aloof from 
 the worldly world, on the ground that it professes 
 and represents a religion of love. Those who sit in 
 Moses' seat are not on that account examples of the 
 " life ; " on the contrary, " whatsoever they bid you 
 observe, that observe and do ; but do not ye after 
 their works, for they say and do not." 
 
 Above all, do not confound the Pharisee with the 
 religion, or suppose that an attack on the one in 
 any way implies irreverence towards the other. 
 This is a very important distinction to make, as I 
 am about to describe a religious entertainment at 
 Lady Broadhem's with the religion left out, which 
 will draw down upon me much odium. There is, in 
 fact, no stronger proof of the force and despotic 
 power of the Phariseeism of the present day, than 
 the unpopularity which one incurs by attempting 
 to expose it. Christians, in the real sense of the 
 term, were always told to expect persecution and 
 
222 PICCADILLY. 
 
 now, as ill old time, the quarter from wliicli it 
 comes is the religious world. It is a hard saying, 
 and one which, unfortunately, nobody has yet been 
 found worthy to x^i'ove ; but whenever he comes 
 into this city of London, who can embody in him- 
 self the life and live it, he will be repudiated by the 
 " worldly holies." 
 
 " The Countess of Broadhem requests the plea- 
 sure of Lord Frank Vanecourt's company at a con- 
 versazione on Thursday the 22d, at nine o'clock. 
 
 " The Bishop of the Caribbee Islands will give 
 some account of the mission-work in his diocese." 
 
 That was the form of the card ; and at nine 
 punctually I responded to the invitation which it 
 contained. 
 
 For the benefit of those of my readers who have 
 never been admitted within the sacred precincts of 
 the religious world, I should tell them that there is 
 nothing in their outward appearance to distinguish 
 them from the other world. The old ladies come 
 in, followed by trains of daughters, furbelowed and 
 flounced by the same dressmakers who clothe 
 worldly people; but there is a greater variety of 
 men — the older ones are often snuffy, and look 
 unwashed. They constantly wear thick boots, and 
 their black waistcoats are not embroidered, and 
 button higher up, which gives them a more staid 
 appearance. They are generally pervaded by an 
 
THE " " 223 
 
 air of complacency and calm superiority, and con- 
 verse in measured unctuous accents, checkered by 
 beaming smiles when they are not contradicted. 
 The youths, on the other hand, present in most 
 cases an intellectually weak aspect. They are quite 
 as much addicted to Hirting with the young ladies 
 as if they belonged to the other w^orld, but want 
 that hardihood, not to say impertinence, which 
 characterises the lavender-gloved tribe who are still 
 heathens. The arrangement of the room is some- 
 what that of a private concert, only instead of a 
 piano is a table, behind which are seated Joseph 
 Caribbee Islands, Chundango, and several other lay 
 and clerical performers. In the centre of this table 
 is a vase, which Joseph hopes to see filled with 
 subscriptions before the proceedings terminate. 
 There is a suspicion, however, that things may 
 not go off quite smoothly, as a lay member pre- 
 sent, who does a good deal of amateur preaching, 
 intends to take him to task about certain unsound 
 views which we knew our friend Joseph entertains. 
 I am sorry to say that some of the young gentlemen 
 leaning in the doorway, where I stand, anticipate 
 this encounter with apparent satisfaction. Among 
 them is Broadhem, who has never once taken his 
 eyes off Wild Harrie. That young lady is more 
 plainly dressed than anybody else in the room. Her 
 hair is neatly and modestly drawn back. She might 
 
224 PICCADILLY. 
 
 have risked a larger chignon, but she had uevei 
 been to an entertainment of this kind before, and 
 did not know how they dressed ; her eyes are only 
 now and then furtively raised, and she takes a quick 
 glance round the room, winding up with Broadhem ; 
 and a twitching at the corners of her mouth makes 
 me envy Amy Eumsort, who will, no doubt, receive 
 a most graphic and embellished report of the whole 
 affair.. There is a good deal of murmuring and 
 rustling and getting into places, and a few hardy 
 men manage to squeeze themselves next the crino- 
 line of their especial desire, and then they go on 
 whispering and tittering to each other, till Joseph 
 says in a very loud tone — Ahem ! 
 
 On which a general silence. It seems as impos- 
 sible and incongruous for me to write here what 
 now takes place, as it did at the time to take part 
 in it. It requires no stretch of imagination on the 
 part of my readers to divine what movement it was 
 which caused the next general rustle. Eemember 
 that a great proportion of these young ladies were 
 brought here by their mammas, and in their secret 
 souls would have rather been at a ball ; but their 
 mammas disapproved of balls, and made them do 
 this instead. Now, tell me, which was most wrong ? 
 I knew of one young lady, at least, whose object in 
 coming was not to do what she was then doing. 
 How many young men would have been there had 
 
THE " . 225 
 
 there been no young ladies? and what were they 
 all thinking about now ? And as I looked at the 
 subscription-vase, and listened to the monotonous 
 voice of a " dear Christian friend " behind it, who 
 had been called upon to open the proceedings, I 
 thought, Can it be possible that these are those of 
 whom it is said, " they devour widows' houses, and 
 for a pretence make long prayer " ? Can it be pos- 
 sible to put anything into that vase without the 
 right hand knowing what the left hand is doing, 
 and all the people seeing both hands ? Is not " the 
 trumpet " even now being " sounded " by " the 
 hypocrites" that they may have glory of men"? 
 Is there, in fact, any difference, practically, between 
 kneeling in Lady Broadhem's drawing-room, by way 
 of an after-dinner entertainment, and loving "to 
 pray standing in the synagogues, and in the cor- 
 ners of the streets, that you may be seen of men " ? 
 Is there any part of a clergyman's dress called a 
 phylactery ; and if so, when he becomes a bishop, 
 does the hem of it become broader ? and if it was 
 wrong for a priest in Jerusalem, eighteen hundred 
 years ago, to be called "Eabbi, Eabbi," is it less 
 wrong for one in London now to be called " My 
 lord. My lord " ? 
 
 I was thinking how much more usefully Bishop 
 Colenso would have been employed in pointing out 
 those anomalies in the practice of his religion, in- 
 2 
 
226 PICCADILLY. 
 
 stead of the discrepancies in its records, and what a 
 much stronger case the Zulu might have made out 
 against Christians if he had known as much of the 
 countries which they inhabit as I do, when the 
 rustling again became general, and the monotonous 
 voice ceased. 
 
 "Dear Christian friends," began Joseph — and 
 here I may remark that this epithet is only applied 
 by the worldly-holies to one another — one of the 
 chief characteristics of those who belong to the reli- 
 gious world being constantly to talk as though they 
 were a privileged few, a chosen flock, and as though 
 that new commandment, " that ye love one another," 
 was applicable only as among themselves, and con- 
 sisted chiefly in addressing one another in affec- 
 tionate and complimentary terms. Even these they 
 withhold, not merely from the wholly-worldlies, but 
 from those who differ from them upon all points of 
 doctrine which they assume to be vital. Hence, by 
 constantly toadying and flattering each other, they 
 insensibly foster that description of pride which 
 apes humility, and acquire that air of subdued arro- 
 gance which is so displeasing to society at large. 
 So when Joseph said, "Dear Christian friends," 
 there was clearly written on the self-satisfied faces 
 of most of the audience, " that is tlie least you can 
 say of us," or words to that effect. 
 
 Now let me in a little more detail tell who some 
 
THE " / 227 
 
 of these friends were. The religious world in 
 London being a very large and well-to-do world, 
 they want religious lawyers, and religious bankers, 
 and religious doctors ; they like to get their wine 
 from somebody who holds sound views, but I think 
 they cease to be so particular about the principles 
 of those from whom they get their bonnets. 
 
 However that may be about trades, the demand 
 is immediately met in all the professions, and 
 young men starting in life with a "connection" 
 in the religious world must belong to it if they 
 wish to succeed. This is another anomaly. In 
 former times it involved stripes, persecution, pov- 
 erty, and contumely to be a "Christian," but a 
 "dear Christian friend" of the present day need 
 be afraid of none of these things. He would never 
 be called mad for making a profession of the views 
 of the early Christians ; but he would if, with a 
 good religious opening in a professional point of 
 view, he declined to take advantage of it. Then 
 look what society it gets you into — you become a 
 sort of brother; and, I am sorry to say, I know 
 several young men who saw no chance of getting 
 into the fashionable world, and who took to the 
 other as a good introduction. In fact there was 
 one standing in the doorway with nie, the son of a 
 solicitor I knew at Dunderhead, who was in the 
 office of his uncle, who was Lady Broadhem's soli- 
 
228 PICCADILLY. 
 
 citor. Do you think either he or his uncle wers 
 sincere, or that he would have ever had the slight- 
 est chance of paying attention to Lady Bridget, 
 which he positively had the presumption to do, if 
 he had not enrolled himself in the band of " dear 
 Christian friends " ? He is a very good hand at the 
 doctrine of love when the people to be loved are 
 the aristocracy. He has just invited me on the 
 part of his uncle to a conversazione, at which will 
 be exhibited a converted Aztec, and at which that 
 Christian solicitor, whose wife is a fat wojaian fan- 
 ning herself in the front row, will positively induce 
 the great majority of those now here, including a 
 fair sprinkling of persons with titles, to be present. 
 
 Now far be it from me to imply that there are 
 not earnest, sincere, and to some extent self-sacri- 
 ficing, professors of the Christian religion, who I 
 know will persist in mistaking me, and imagine 
 that by writing this I bring the religion itself into 
 contempt. I say again that those who bring it 
 into the most contempt are those who profess it 
 most, and that it is to counteract their prejudicial 
 influence upon society that I venture to incur their 
 animosity. 
 
 I shall not report Joseph's speech at lengtli, still 
 less attempt to follow Chundango in his unctuous 
 remarks, in the course of which lie lavished flattery 
 upon his audience to an extent even beyond what 
 
THE " ." 229 
 
 they could bear; tlicy swallowed it, however, with 
 tea and ices, which were handed round, but I got 
 so worked up at last by a smooth-faced man who 
 was describing what he had gone through for the 
 sake of the heathen, while he was living luxuri- 
 ously in one of the most charming little mission 
 establishments which I have ever visited, that I 
 made the following remarks : — 
 
 "Ladies and Gentlemen, — AVhen I came here 
 this evening nothing was farther from my purpose 
 than to address you. I cannot allow, however, the 
 remarks of the Bishop of the Caribbee Islands, of 
 Mr Chundango, or of the Kev. Mr Beevy, to pass 
 unnoticed. 
 
 "The Bishop of the Caribbee Islands, in the 
 course of the very graphic account which he has 
 given you of the progress of conversion in his dio- 
 cese, and of the number of interesting and instruc- 
 tive deathbeds which he has witnessed, has entered 
 into a calculation by which it would appear that 
 the average cost of the conversion of a human soul 
 in those islands is a little over £6. Ladies, you 
 pretend to believe that, but you don't. It would 
 be impossible for you to sit there with strings of 
 lost human souls round your necks, and what would 
 keep an infant school in each ear, if you really be- 
 lieved that you could save a soul for £6. You come 
 here and listen to gentlemen who give you an ac- 
 
230 PICCADILLY. 
 
 count of the sacrifices they make for the heathen, 
 and of results which do not look so well on the 
 spot as on paper ; and because you throw a pound 
 into that vase in the presence of the company, you 
 think that you have done sometliing for them too. 
 ' They may give up all/ you say, ' but we can't 
 afford to save more than two or three souls per 
 annum.' 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen, as far as my experience 
 goes, you neither of you as a rule give up anything 
 for the heathen. I cannot, therefore, share in your 
 wonder at the barren results of your missionary 
 efforts. The Tabernacle Missionary Society, for in- 
 stance, offers to a young man of the lower middles " 
 (Mr Beevy's father was a butcher, so I did not like 
 to enter more fully into this part of the subject) 
 " the opportunity of becoming a reverend and a 
 gentleman, and thus advancing a step in society. 
 It gives him £300 a-year to begin with, £80 a-year 
 more with his wife, £20 a-year with his first child, 
 and £10 a-year with each succeeding olive-branch. 
 It educates these free of expense at Holloway, and 
 it pays an indefinite number of passages between 
 England and the ' mission-field,' according as the 
 health of the family requires it ; and permit me to 
 say that, if to receive between £400 and £500 a- 
 year in a tolerable climate, with a comfortable house 
 rent-free, and the prospect of a pension at the cud, 
 
THE " ." 231 
 
 is to give up all for the heathen, I have myself 
 made the experiment without personal discomfort. 
 Perhaps I speak with a certain feeling of bitterness 
 on this subject, for I cannot forget that upon one 
 occasion while residing among the heathen, a gen- 
 tleman who is now present, and who had sacrificed 
 his all for them, outbid me for a horse at an auction 
 after I had run him up to sixty guineas. With 
 such a magnificent institution as this for supplying 
 ' purse ' and ' scrip,' and for ' taking thought for the 
 morrow ' in the way of pensions, &c., tell me hon- 
 estly whether you think you deserve real, not nom- 
 inal conversions ? You have instituted a sort of 
 'civil service,' with which 'you compass sea and 
 land to make one proselyte.' You go to him with a 
 number of bibles, Armstrong guns, drunken sailors, 
 and unscrupulous traders, a combination which goes 
 to make up what you call 'civilisation,' and you 
 wonder that your converts are actuated by the same 
 motive which my own Hindoo servant once told me 
 induced him to leave his own religion, in which he 
 could not venture to get drunk, and become a Chris- 
 tian. 
 
 " Do you think it is the fault of the religion that 
 you don't make converts, or the fault of the system 
 under which it is propagated? If you gave up 
 ' the enticing words of man's wisdom,' and tried a 
 little of 'the demonstration of the spirit and of 
 
232 PICCADILLY. 
 
 power/ don't you think the result would be differ- 
 ent ? Tf you are only illumined by ' a dim religious 
 light' yourselves, how do you expect to dissipate 
 the gross darkness of paganism? You have only 
 got an imitation blaze that warms nobody at home, 
 and you wonder when you take it abroad that it 
 leaves everybody as cold and as dead as it finds 
 them, 
 
 " My dear Christian friends, in the face of the 
 living contradiction which we all present in our 
 conduct to the religion we profess, our missionaries 
 can only convince the heathen of the truth of Chris- 
 tianity by living the life upon which that religion 
 is based, by means of which it can alone be 
 powerful, and which is only now not lived by 
 Christians, because, as was prophesied, there is 
 no ' faith on the earth.' I have spoken to you 
 faithfully, even harshly, but, believe me, I have 
 done so in a spirit of love. If you can take it 
 in the same spirit, I shall feel I have done you a 
 great injustice." 
 
 I was so excited while delivering myself of these 
 observations that I was quite unconscious of the 
 effect I was producing. I remember there was a 
 deathlike silence, and that when I sat down the 
 gentlemen behind the table looked flushed and agi- 
 tated. Mr Beevy first rose to reply to observations 
 which, he said, reflected upon him personally, no 
 
THE " ." 233 
 
 less than upon the society to which he was proud 
 to say he belonged. He then explained the cir- 
 cumstances under which he had been induced to 
 give £65 for the horse ; and retaliated upon nie in 
 language which I will spare my readers now, as 
 they will see it in the ' Discord,' when that organ 
 of the " worldly-holies " does me the honour to re- 
 view this veracious history. The religious world 
 has a more choice catalogue of epithets for their 
 enemies than any other section of the community. 
 I need not therefore suggest " ribald " as appro- 
 priate to the present occasion. It was the term 
 applied to me by the amateur lay-preacher after Mr 
 Beevy sat down. Finally, the proceedings ter- 
 minated in some confusion ; before they did, how- 
 ever, I rose again to point out how completely the 
 conduct of those present had proved my case — 
 either the faults to which I alluded existed, and 
 there was nothing more to be said ; or I had buffeted 
 them without cause, and they had not " taken it 
 patiently," a course of conduct quite inexcusable in 
 a meeting composed exclusively of dear Christian 
 friends. If there is a thing I yearn for, it is the 
 love of my fellow-men. By making the " worldly- 
 holies " consider me an enemy, I ought to secure an 
 unusual share of their affection, llemember, now, 
 if you abuse me for tliis, it is unchristian ; if you 
 leave me alone, you will be treating me " with the 
 
234 PICCADILLY. 
 
 contempt I deserve," and tliat is unchristian too ; 
 the right thing for you to do is to take the chari- 
 table view, to admit that my motives may be good, 
 even if the means employed are injudicious. When 
 I am abruptly asked in an omnibus, by an entire 
 stranger, who may happen to belong to the " strait- 
 est sect," the most solemn question which one man 
 can put to another, I do not resent it. I believe he 
 is sincerely trying to " awaken me " with a " word 
 in season." I question the taste, but I respect the 
 motive. Do the same to me, dear friends. We are 
 all bad, and I am far worse than any of you ; but 
 still I may show how bad the best of us are. By 
 living in a fool's paradise here, we shall not qualify 
 ourselves for the other one to come. Depend upon 
 it, we are all a great deal too comfortable to be 
 safe. 
 
 " Lord Frank," said Lady Broadhem while Joseph 
 was emptying the vase and pocketing the contents, 
 and the rest of the world was beginning to circu- 
 late, " had I known that your object incoming here 
 this evening was to insult my guests, I certainly 
 should not have asked you." 
 
 "You do me an injustice. Lady Broadhem," I 
 said. " Nothing was further from my purpose when 
 I came here this evening than to have said any- 
 thing. I supposed by your sending me the card 
 thst you wanted to see me, and came ; but my con- 
 
THE " ." 235 
 
 science would not allow me to remain silent under 
 the circumstances." 
 
 "ISTotliing can justify sucli conduct," said her 
 ladyship, more angry than I had ever seen her. " I 
 cannot say how truly grateful I am that it is all at 
 an end between you and Ursula ; " and Lady Broad- 
 hem shuddered at the idea of having exhibited my- 
 self as I had done, if I had been her son-in-law. 
 
 " It was to show you what an escape you had 
 made, and reconcile you to the disappointment, 
 that I expressed my sentiments so strongly," I 
 said maliciously. All my better nature seemed 
 to leave me as I found myself involved in a fresh 
 encounter with this woman, who certainly possesses 
 the art of raising my devil beyond any one I ever 
 met. 
 
 " I can't talk to you now," said Lady Broadhera, 
 who did not wish to be too manifestly discovered 
 without her Christian spirit, though there was not 
 much of it left in anybody in the room, " I see 
 Mr Beevy coming this way, and to avoid any un- 
 pleasantness you had better not stay any longer 
 just now. Come to-morrow at twelve ; " and she 
 intercepted the missionary as he was advancing 
 towards me with a somewhat truculent air. All 
 this time I had seen, but not had an opportunity of 
 exchanging a word with Ursula, who occupied an 
 obscure corner, and seemed anxious to attract as 
 
236 PICCADILLY. 
 
 little notice as possible. I made my way to her 
 now. She looked careworn and nervons. 
 
 " I am afraid your remarks do not seem to have 
 given satisfaction, Lord Frank," she said ; " and if I 
 may venture to say so, I think you might have said 
 what you did in language less calculated to give 
 offence. I quite agreed with you in the main, but 
 do you think you will do good by thrusting truths 
 home with little ceremony ? " 
 
 " I caught the habit from the class I was attack- 
 ing, I suppose. They seldom realise the harm 
 they do by their disagreeable mode of inculcating 
 precepts they don't practise, and they never get 
 preached to, though they listen to sermons twice 
 every Sunday." 
 
 "But don't you think you fairly lay yourself open 
 to the charge of presumption in thus taking to task 
 men who have made theology their study, and in 
 condemning a whole set of people, who, if they 
 occasionally are indiscreet, are most of them sin- 
 cere, and certainly do a great deal of good ? Are 
 you sure your own religious opinions are suffi- 
 ciently formed to warrant you in commenting so 
 strongly on the views of others ? " 
 
 " I don't comment on their views, but on their 
 conduct. While we are not to judge others, we 
 are also told that by their fruits we shall know 
 them. It does not require a profound knowledge 
 
THE " ." 237 
 
 of the dogmas of a creed to perceive the effect it 
 has upon those who profess it. Fortunately I have 
 thought for myself, and have come at last firmly to 
 believe in the religion, but I should never have 
 done so had I continued to judge of it by its pro- 
 fessors." 
 
 " Then you think the form in which Christianity 
 is professed and practised prejudices the cause of 
 true religion ? " said Lady Ursula. 
 
 " I have not a doubt of it. Our friends here 
 ' bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and 
 lay them on men's shoulders, but they themselves 
 will not move them with one of their fingers.' If 
 you will substitute charitable bazaars for races, ora- 
 torios for operas, conversaziones like this for balls, 
 and otherwise conform to the ' letter' which they 
 have established, they accept you as a brother, but 
 there is very little difference in the ' spirit ' which 
 pervades the so-called religious, and that which 
 pervades the worldly excitements. The ' mint, anise, 
 and cummin' are there ; but the 'judgment' is per- 
 verted, the ' mercy ' limited, and the ' faith ' barren. 
 However, we are getting into rather too theological 
 a discussion, and Broadhem looks as if he was 
 anxious to interrupt us." 
 
 " I think he is quite happy where he is," replied 
 Lady Ursula. " You know Miss Wylde, whom he 
 got mamma to ask here to-night, don't you ? " 
 
2^S PICCADILLY. 
 
 " A little. By the way, did he go down to Ascot 
 after all, and did he tell you the especial motive he 
 had in view ? " 
 
 " Yes, I recommended him to go, as I think he 
 is too much accustomed to walk in the groove in 
 which he has always found himself, and as I do not 
 see much difference, in a matter of that kind, be- 
 tween wanting to go and going. He came back 
 thoroughly dissatisfied, having failed to do more 
 than exchange a few words with Miss Wylde, by 
 whom he seems quite infatuated. Can you tell me 
 something about her ? " 
 
 I gave Ursula an account of Wild Harrie, based 
 on Spifify's information, not very flattering, I am 
 afraid, to that young lady, and wound up with 
 something about putting Broadhem on his guard. 
 
 " I don't quite agree with you there," she re- 
 plied ; " opposition will not improve matters in his 
 case, and you must forgive me for not taking the 
 unfavourable view of Miss Wylde's character that 
 you have given me. I really think Broadhem has, 
 for the first time in his life, fallen in love, and the 
 best way to take care of him will be to know inti- 
 mately the lady of his choice, so I shall interrupt 
 their tete-a-tete with the view of cultivating Miss 
 Wylde." 
 
 " But what will Lady Broadhem say to such an 
 alliance ? Miss Wylde has not got a farthing/' 
 
THE " " 239 
 
 " I don't think he need anticipate any opposition 
 from mamma, — at all events not just now," said 
 Lady Ursula, with a sigh, and I knew there was a 
 secret grief which she could not tell hidden in her 
 words. " I am so glad that Broadhem is above 
 the consideration of money, and has really allowed 
 himself to be carried away by his feelings, that I 
 feel quite grateful to Miss Wylde, and inclined to 
 love her already." 
 
 " I think they are going to commence operations 
 of some sort again," I said, as I saw the enemies I 
 love, but who don't return the affection, ranging 
 themselves behind the table ; " part two is about to 
 begin, so I shall make my escape. Perhaps I shall 
 see you to-morrow ; I am coming to call on Lady 
 Broadhem," and I left Lady Ursula, and had to 
 squeeze past Broadhem and Wild Harrie. "You 
 seem interested," I said to the latter, " as you are 
 going to stay." 
 
 " I suppose you don't intend to show any more 
 sport. Lord Frank, as you are going, so the best of 
 the fun is over. I was just telling Lord Broadhem 
 how I enjoyed that brilliant burst of yours ; it was 
 worth anything to watch the expressions on the 
 countenances of all our friends here who have ' given 
 up the world,' and who thought they were having it 
 all their own way till you got up. I want Lord 
 Broadhem to follow your lead, but it seems he con- 
 
240 PICCADILLY. 
 
 «ders himself ' a dear Christian friend.' We musl 
 break him of that, mustn't we ? It is a very bad 
 ' form.' I suppose you don't know what that ex- 
 pression means," Wild Harrie went on, her eyea 
 dancing with mischief as she turned to Broadhem. 
 
 The struggles which that young gentleman's con- 
 science was having with his affections were mani- 
 festly portrayed on his countenance, and Wild 
 Harrie evidently was amusing herself by shocking 
 his feelings. I must do her the justice to say that 
 I don't think she could play the hypocrite if she 
 tried ; and I began to hope, as I looked at her frank 
 reckless face, that her sins were more on the surface 
 than in the heart. " I suppose you mean a form of 
 worship," said Broadhem ; " I wish you would not 
 talk in this way. Whenever I try to have a little 
 serious conversation with you, you turn it off with 
 a joke. I must say," he added, sententiously, " that 
 the style of young ladies' conversation in the pre- 
 sent day is open to great improvement." 
 
 " I tell you what. Lord Broadhem," she retorted, 
 " we will put each other through a course of train- 
 ing ; you shall improve my conversation and ' style 
 of going ' generally, while I try to bring you into 
 a little harder condition than you are at present. 
 You have no idea of his innocence. Lord Frank, 
 considering that he is a rising statesman upon 
 whom the hopes of the Liberal party are fixed. T 
 
THE " ." 241 
 
 asked him just now, apropos of the speech he 
 threatens us with, ' if he felt fit/ and he blushed to 
 that degree that I felt quite shy. There was no 
 harm in my saying that, was there ? " 
 
 "None that I know of," said I; "but we are 
 attracting general attention by talking so loud. 
 Good-bye, Miss Wylde. I am afraid I must dis- 
 turb you, Broadhem ; your sister can't hear where 
 she is, and wants your place ; " and I walked off 
 the young gentleman, to Wild Harrie's disgust, and 
 saw with satisfaction that Lady Ursula took his 
 vacated seat. 
 
 "What a curious thing it is," said Broadhem, 
 " that I should find in Miss Wylde something which 
 is to me so attractive ! I daresay you think it odd 
 my taking you so much into my confidence ; but, 
 except Ursula, I have no one to whom I can speak 
 opeidy, and it is such a relief sometimes." 
 
 " On these occasions specially," said I. 
 
 "Do you know, I think that if I had her all to 
 myself I could cure her faults, for I am quite alive 
 to them. Don't you think there is something very 
 fresh and natural about her ? " 
 
 "Fresh, certainly, in what she would call the 
 'skittish' sense. As for the natural part of it, I 
 should require to know her better before giving 
 my opinion." 
 
 "You know," he went on, "she is the last person 
 
242 PICCADILLY. 
 
 in the world witli whom I imagined it possible T 
 could have been in love: she says the most dreadful 
 things sometimes — and I am afraid they amuse me 
 more than they should ; there is no doubt about her 
 being immensely clever, but she is quite taken up 
 with the world as yet." 
 
 " Not more than you are, my dear Broadhem ; 
 come and walk home with me : you will be back in 
 time to put the Wyldes into their carriage, and I 
 want to speak to you." I led him unresistingly to 
 his coat and hat in the hall, and braved the stern 
 gaze of a butler who apparently dressed after INIr 
 Beevy, and who, when I arrived, had smiled blandly 
 upon me as being ' one of us,' for all the servants in 
 Lady Broadhem's establishment were guaranteed 
 converted. " No servants, whose principles are not 
 strictly Evangelical, and who are unable to produce 
 unexceptionable testimony as to their personal piety, 
 need apply " — that was the form of the advertise- 
 ment, and the consequence was, that every menial 
 in the house had brought a certificate of his or her 
 entire change of heart from their last place. Lady 
 Broadhem was also very particular about the theolo- 
 gical views of the family they had just left. 
 
 The butler frowned severely upon me now, for 
 he had been standing in the doorway with the 
 cura9oa when I was addressing the meeting, no 
 doubt sympathising keenly with ]\Ir Beevy (T found 
 
THE " ." 243 
 
 out afterwards that Lady Broadhem was educating 
 his son for the "work"), and said to Broadhem, 
 " Does her ladyship know you are going away, my 
 lord ? " 
 
 " No," said Broadhem, with some hesitation ; " I 
 don't think she does. I am coming back again 
 soon." 
 
 " I think, my lord, I shall have to let her ladyship 
 l^now — perhaps your lordship will wait. James, 
 mind the door." Tliis meant that James was not 
 to open it, 
 
 " Stop, my friend," I said ; " your conscience tells 
 you that you should not be a party to this irregu- 
 larity on the part of his lordship, — is not that so ? " 
 I asked. 
 
 " Yes, my lord," said the butler, rigidly. 
 
 " I will accompany you to Lady Broadhem, then, 
 to explain the circumstances. Be good enough to 
 follow me," and I led the way up-stairs. 
 
 Now it so happens that I have a remarkable 
 faculty of remembering faces, and I had been con- 
 scious for some weeks past of being familiar with 
 the particularly ill-favoured countenance of Lady 
 Broadhem's butler ; but it was not until now that 
 the cn^cumstances under which I had first seen it 
 flashed upon me. Not many years have elapsed 
 since I achieved considerable renown in Australia 
 as an amateur hunter of bushrangers. The sport 
 
244 PICCADILLY. 
 
 exhilarated me, combining, as it did, an exciting 
 physical with a wholesome moral exercise. I now 
 remembered distinctly having canght Lady Broad- 
 hem's butler with a lasso. Indeed I had good rea- 
 son not to forget it, for a shot he fired at me at the 
 moment killed my favourite horse. That he should 
 have failed to recognise in Lord Frank Vanecourt 
 the notorious Mr Francis who had been the means 
 of capturing not only himself, but a good many of 
 his fraternity, was not wonderful The discovery 
 tickled me, and restored my good temper, which had 
 been slightly ruffled. 
 
 " What a delightful change you must find it to be 
 in the society of all these good people after having 
 passed so many years in the bush ! " I said, and 
 my tone of anger suddenly became one of easy 
 familiarity, as I turned sharply upon him, and, 
 leaning against the banisters, benevolently scanned 
 his distorted physiognomy. The play of his facial 
 muscles, and changes of hue, interested me, so 1 
 continued — "But I will venture to say that you 
 have never since paid such attention to any sermon 
 as you did to mine that Sunday morning when I had 
 you and your seven friends strapped to eight trees 
 in a semicircle, and concluded my remarks, you 
 may remember, with a few strokes of ' practical ap- 
 plication.' I should like to hear the story of your 
 escape from prison." 
 
THE " ." 245 
 
 " Oh, my lord," lie groaned, and his teeth chat- 
 tered and his knees trembled, "I'm a reformed 
 character — I am indeed. Perhaps if your lordship 
 would kindly please to walk this way," and he 
 opened a side door off the landing. " Knowing your 
 lordship's generosity, and your lordship's interest in 
 the family, and my own unworthiness, your lord- 
 ship wouldn't be too hard upon a poor man whose 
 repentance is genuine, and I could tell your lordship 
 something of the very highest importance to her 
 ladyship, and to Lady Ursula, and to your lordship, 
 and to the whole family." 
 
 I knew the man to be a clever scoundrel, and saw 
 that he evidently had same information which might 
 prove of value. A mystery did exist — of that I had 
 had abundant evidence. Was I justified in refusing 
 to find the key ? — besides, if this man really pos- 
 sessed some secret, could it be in more dangerous 
 hands ? This last consideration decided me, and I 
 followed the returned convict to a little sanctum of 
 his own, which opened off the pantry, from which I 
 emerged five minutes later a wiser if not a better- 
 man. 
 
 " What a time you have been ! " said Broadhem. 
 " I suppose you have been arguing the point with 
 my mother ? " 
 
 "No, I left that to Drippings here." I did not 
 know his name, but my spirits were high, and I 
 
246 PICCADILLY. 
 
 gave him the first my imagination suggested. " You 
 have no idea what a treasure your mother has got in 
 this man. I assure you there is no knowing what 
 you may not owe to the influence for good of one 
 devoted Christian servant of this kind — the proof of 
 it is, as you see, that Lady Broadhem is perfectly 
 willing that you should do what you like for the 
 rest of the evening. Good-night, Drippings," and I 
 passed the bewildered James, who evidently thought 
 that both I and the terrified-looking butler had gone 
 suddenly mad. 
 
 " Broadhem," said I, " I have hit upon an entirely 
 new and original idea. I am thinking of trying it 
 myself, and I want you to try it too." 
 
 " Well," said Broadhem, " I am never surprised at 
 anything you say or do ; what is it ? " 
 
 " It has been suggested to me by what I have 
 seen at your mother's this evening — and you may 
 depend upon it there is a great deal to be said in 
 its favour ; it is an odd thing it has not occurred to 
 anybody before, but that leaves all the better open- 
 ing for you and me." 
 
 " Go on," said Broadhem, whose curiosity was 
 getting excited. 
 
 " Don't be in a hurry ; it is possible you may not 
 like the idea when you hear it, and under no cir- 
 cumstances must you tell it to anybody." 
 
 " All right," said Broadhem, " but I hope it has 
 
THE " ." 247 
 
 nothing to do with companies — I hate dabbling in 
 companies. I believe one does more harm to one's 
 name by making it common than one gets good 
 through the money one pockets." 
 
 " Well, there is more truth than elegance of ex- 
 pression in that remark : it needs not have to do 
 with companies unless yon like." 
 
 " Now, if it has anytliing to do with politics, I 
 am your man." 
 
 " You would make a great coup in politics with 
 it ; it is especially adapted for politics, and has 
 never been tried." 
 
 " You don't say so," said Broadhem, delighted ; 
 "don't go on making one guess as if it was a game. 
 Has it anything to do with the suffrage ? " 
 
 " It has to do with everything," I said ; " I don't 
 think I can do it myself ; I made a lamentable fail- 
 ure just now by way of a start," and I paused sud- 
 denly — "Who am I," I thought, "that I should 
 venture to preach ? What act have I done in life 
 which should give weight to my words ? " but the 
 fervour was on me, and I could no more check the 
 burning thoughts than the trumpet can control the 
 sound it emits. 
 
 " Well," he said impatiently. 
 
 "LIVE THE LIFE." 
 
 " I don't understand you," said Broadhem. 
 
 " If you did," I said, " do you suppose I should 
 
248 PICCADILLY. 
 
 feel my whole nature yearning as it is? What 
 better proof could I desire that the life has yet to 
 be lived than that you don't understand me ? Sup- 
 posing, now, that you and I actually put into 
 practice what all these friends of your mother pro- 
 fess, and, instead of judging people who go to 
 plays, or play croquet on Sunday, or dance, we 
 tried to live the inner life ourselves. Supposing, 
 in your case, that your own interest never entered 
 your head in any one thing you undertook ; sup- 
 posing you actually felt that you had nothing in 
 common with the people around you, and belonged 
 neither to the world of publicans and sinners, nor 
 to the -world of scribes and Pharisees, but were 
 working on a difterent plane, in which self was 
 altogether ignored— that you gave up attempting 
 to steer your own craft any longer, but put the 
 helm into other hands, and could complacently 
 watch her drive straight on to the breakers, and 
 make a deliberate shipwreck of every ambition in 
 life, — don't you think you would create rather a 
 sensation in the political world? Supposing you 
 could arrive at the point of being as indifferent to 
 the approval as to the censure of your fellow-men, 
 of caring as little for the highest honours which are 
 in their power to bestow now, as for the fame which 
 posterity might award to you hereafter ; supposing 
 that wealth and power appeared equally contempt- 
 
THE " . ' 249 
 
 ible to you for their own sakes, and tluat you had 
 no desire connected with this earth except to be 
 used while upon it for divine ends, and that all the 
 while that this motive was actuating you, you were 
 striving and working and toiling in the midst of 
 this busy world, doing exactly what every man 
 round you was doing, but doing it all from a diffe- 
 rent motive, — it would be curious to see where you 
 would land — how you would be abused and mis- 
 understood, and what a perplexity you wo\dd create 
 in the minds of your friends, who would never 
 know whether you were a profound intriguer or 
 a shallow fool. How much you would have to 
 suffer, but what a balance there would be to the 
 credit side ! For instance, as you could never be 
 disappointed, you would be the only free man 
 among slaves. There is not a man or woman of 
 the present day who is not in chains, either to the 
 religious world or the other, or to family or friends, 
 and always to self. Now, if we could get rid of 
 the bonds of self first, we could snap thfe other 
 fetters like packthread. What a grand sensation it 
 would be to expand one's chest and take in a full, 
 free, pure breath, and uplift the hands heavenward 
 that have been pinioned to our sides, and feel the 
 feeble knees strong and capable of enabling us to 
 climb upwards ! With the sense of perfect liberty 
 we should lose the sense of fear, no man could 
 
250 PICCADILLY. 
 
 make us ashamed, and the waves of public opinion 
 would dash themselves in vain against the rock 
 upon which we should then be established. The 
 nations of the earth are beating the air for freedom, 
 and inventing breech-loaders wherewith to conquer 
 it, and they know not that the battlefield is seK, 
 and the weapons for the fight not of fleshly make. 
 Have you ever been in an asylum for idiots, Broad- 
 hem?" I asked, abruptly. 
 
 " No," he said, timidly. 
 
 " Then you are in one now. Look at them ; 
 there is the group to which you belong playing at 
 politics. Look at the imbecile smile of gratified 
 vanity with which they receive the applause that 
 follows a successful hit. That poor little boy has 
 just knocked a political tobacco-pipe out of Aunt 
 Sally's mouth, and he imagines himself covered 
 with a lasting glory. There is another going to try 
 a jump : he makes a tremendous effort before he 
 gets to the stick, but balks, and carries it oS" in his 
 hand with a grin of triumph. Look, there is a man 
 with a crotchet ; he keeps on perpetually scratching 
 his left ear and his right palm alternately, and then 
 touching the ground with the tips of his fingers. 
 He never varies the process. Look at the gluttons 
 who would do nothing but eat if they were allowed, 
 like men who have just got into office, and see how 
 spiteful they are, and what faces they make at each 
 
THE " ." 251 
 
 other, and how terribly afraid they are of their 
 masters, and how they cringe for their favour, 
 and how naughty they are when their backs are 
 turned. Look, again, at these groups drawing, and 
 carpentering, and gardening, imagining that they 
 are producing results that are permanently to bene- 
 fit mankind ; but they are drawing with sticks, and 
 carpentering with' sham tools, and planting stones. 
 And see, there is a fire-balloon going up; how 
 delighted they all are, and how they clap their 
 hands as the gaudy piece of tissue-paper inflated 
 with foul gas sails over their heads. Is there one 
 of the noisy crowd that knows what its end will be 
 or that thinks of to-morrow ? Is there one of them, 
 I wonder, that suspects he is an idiot ? If you find 
 out, Broadhem, that you are not one of them, they 
 will call you an idiot— be prepared for that. The 
 life of a sound and sane man in such company cau- 
 not be pleasant. Every act of it must be an enigma 
 to those around him. If he is afraid of them, they 
 will turn and rend him ; if he is fearless, they will 
 hate him, because 'he testifies of the evO.' His 
 life will be a martyrdom, but his spirit will be 
 free, his senses new-born ; and think you he would 
 exchange the trials and labours which his sanity 
 must entail upon him for the drivelling pleasures 
 which he has lost ? Tell me, Broadhem, what you 
 think of my idea ' " 
 
252 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " It is not altogether new to nie, though I did 
 not exactly understand what you meant at first," 
 said Broadheni, who si^oke with more feeling than 
 I gave him credit for possessing. *' I have never 
 heard it put in such strong language before, but 
 I have seen Ursula practise it, and I was wonder- 
 ing all the time you were talking whether you 
 did." 
 
 " I never have yet," I said. " I began by telling 
 you that the idea only occurred to me lately in its 
 new form. I had often thought of it as a specula- 
 tion. I began by assuming that purely disinterested 
 honesty might pay, because an original idea well 
 applied generally succeeds ; but when I came to 
 work the thing out, I found that there was a prac- 
 tical difficulty in the way, and that you could not 
 be unselfish from a selfish motive a bit more than 
 you could look like a sane man while you were 
 really still an idiot. And so the fact is, I have 
 talked the notion out to you as it has been sug- 
 gested to me, though Drippings nearly drove it out 
 of my head. I think the reason I felt impelled to 
 do so was, that had it not been for your sister I 
 should never have thought upon such subjects as 1 
 do now. I know her love for you, and the value of 
 her influence over you. Even now she is devoting 
 herself to guarding your interests in the most im- 
 portant step of a man's life, and I seem instinctively 
 
THE " . 253 
 
 to leel how I can best please her. Dou't you thinli 
 she agrees in what I have said to-night, and would 
 approve of the conversation we have had ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Broadhem, " Do you know you are 
 quite a different sort of fellow from what I im- 
 agined. I always thought that you did not believe 
 in anything." 
 
 " That was because I lived exactly like my 
 neighbours, without adding to my daily life the sin 
 of professing belief in a religion to which it was 
 diametrically opposed. Most of the sceptics of the 
 present day are driven to their opinions by their 
 consciences, which revolt against the current 
 hypocrisy and glaring inconsistencies that charac- 
 terise the profession of the popular theology. As a 
 class I have found them honester, and in every way 
 better men than modern Christians." 
 
 "Do you know why ? " 
 
 " No," said Broadhem. 
 
 " Because modern Christians don't really believe 
 much more than sceptics — a man's life is the result 
 of his internal, not his external belief There can 
 be no life separate from internal belief, and the 
 lives of men are imperfect because their belief is 
 external. The right thing believed the right way 
 must inevitably produce the perfect life. Either, 
 then, the civilised world believes the wrong thing, 
 or it believes the right thing the wrong way. 
 
254 PICCADILLY. 
 
 Ill otlier words, faitli and charity are inseparable, 
 and when one is perfect the other is too. That is 
 what I mean by ' living the life.' " 
 
 " According to that, you would make out that 
 nobody rightly believes the Christian religion who 
 is not perfect; that, you know, is ridiculous," said 
 Broadhem. 
 
 " That is, nevertheless, exactly what I do mean. 
 To know the doctrine, it is necessary to do the will. 
 Christians of the present day adopt certain theological 
 dogmas intellectually and call them their religious 
 belief This has a superficial and varying influence 
 upon their lives, for it consists merely of opinions 
 which are liable to change. The only kind of faith 
 which is inseparable from life is a divine conviction 
 of truth imparted to the intellect through the heart, 
 and which becomes as absolute to the internal con- 
 science as one's existence, and as impossible of 
 proof. It may be added to, but what has once been 
 thus accepted can never be changed. Such a faith 
 cannot be selfish, for it has been derived from the 
 affections, hence the life must be charitable. But 
 the modern Christian belief, received by an effort of 
 pure reason directly through the intellect, is not a 
 divine intuition, which, if embodied, would result in 
 a perfect life and a united Church, but a theological 
 problem which professors of religion, unlike profes- 
 sors of mathematics, are at liberty to solve for tlieir 
 
THE " . 255 
 
 own benefit, according to their own taste, and to 
 quarrel about incessantly, thereby giving occasion 
 to the thoughtless to scoff, and to the thonghtful to 
 reject all revelation as 'foolishness' — since it is in- 
 capable of demonstration by the Baconian method, 
 — the only one known to these ' wise and prudent ' 
 philosophers, but one by which, fortunately for 
 them, ' babes ' are not expected to prove their re- 
 lationship before believing in their mothers." 
 
 " Then," said Broadhem, " you actually mean to 
 say that the whole of Christendom is wanting in 
 this faith?" 
 
 " I fear that almost universally they mistake a 
 bare belief for faith. Their theology thus becomes 
 an act of memory instead of a rule of life, and 
 Christianity is reduced to a superstition. The only 
 way of distinguishing superstition from true religion 
 is by an examination of results. But where are the 
 fruits of modern Christianity? If it be absolutely 
 true, and all-sufficient for purposes of regeneration, 
 how am I to account for the singular fact that there 
 is as much wickedness in London in the year 1865 
 A.D., as there was in Jerusalem in the year 1 B.C. ? 
 If the object of the last revelation was to take the 
 place of the one before it, and to reform the world, 
 why are the best modern Christians of my acquaint- 
 ance no holier than the best modern Jews whom I 
 have the honour to know ? " 
 
256 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " But the object of the last revelation was iiut to 
 reform the world, but to save it," he replied. 
 
 " Thanks, Broadhem, for having put in rather too 
 epigrammatic a form, perhaps, to please those who 
 believe it, the most diabolical sophism that was 
 ever invented to beguile a Church — the doctrine 
 that men can be saved by opinion without practice: 
 that a man's practice may be bad, and yet because 
 his faith is good his salvation is sure — that he can, 
 by such a miserable philosophy as would disgrace 
 the justice of the earth, escape the just sentence to 
 be passed upon all his deeds. The results of so 
 fatal a dogma must be a Church that tends to 
 atheism, and that loves corruption. There is in 
 every heart a something that speaks against this, 
 and speaks with a burning language that sweeps the 
 invisible chords of the inmost consciousness, and 
 awakens a torrent of indignant denial of the shallow 
 sophistry that a man can be saved if his thoughts 
 and life are bad. If he cherish self-love, and the 
 love of ruling others, though he intrench the intel- 
 lect in the midst of all creeds, and span the reason 
 with all faiths, making a sacred public profession 
 before all men, he but adds to the heinousness of 
 his crime, and makes more terrible the fast-coming 
 and final judgment." 
 
 Broadhem stopped suddenly in the street as I 
 finished in a somewhat excited tone, and gasped 
 
THE " . 257 
 
 rather than spoke, " Frank, you literally astound 
 me. I could never have believed it possible you 
 would have come out in that line. Are those your 
 own ideas or another's ? " 
 
 " Another's," I replied, coolly. " I believe they 
 are rather unsound, but I commend them to your 
 notice, because, if they are not correct, Christianity 
 will soon cease to exist, even in name ; but if they 
 are, then it contains within it a regenerating power 
 hitherto undeveloped, whereby the world may be 
 absolutely reformed. I will venture to assert that 
 Christian nations will make no moral progress so 
 long as they continue to cherish the pagan super- 
 stition that religion consists in trying to save them- 
 selves by virtue of a creed, instead of in trying to 
 save others by the virtues of a life." 
 
 " But that's works," said Broadhem, 
 
 " Yes," I repeated, " that's works, but of a kind 
 only possible when accompanied by intuitive living 
 faith, which I have just endeavoured to describe. 
 There is a promise that ' greater works than these 
 shall they do ' who * believe.' Why, I want to 
 know, have these ' works,' greater than any that 
 were then accomplished, and which would reform 
 the world, never been attempted ? Because people 
 don't believe in the tremendous power of disinter- 
 estedness, and they can't face the severe training 
 which the perfection of self-sacrifice involves. So 
 £ 
 
258 PICCADILLY. 
 
 one set of ' worldly-holies ' regard all persona! dis- 
 cipline as a tempting snare to be avoided, and 
 entertain a great horror of what they conceitedly 
 term ' their own merits.' This very superfluous 
 sentiment, combined with a selfish belief in certain 
 doctrinals (of which they usually do make a merit), 
 is enough, they imagine — the ' works ' will follow ; 
 and so they do, and take the form we have just seen 
 in your mother's drawing-room. Another set 
 delight in a mild aesthetic sort of training, to be 
 performed in a particular costume, according to the 
 obsolete ceremonial rules of a Church 'which is 
 divided against itself,' and their works take the 
 fatuous form of ecclesiastical high art. Others, 
 again, go to a still further extreme, and consider 
 discipline not the means but the end. Hence they 
 go through their drill in seclusion, exclusively for 
 their own benefit, and their works take the form of 
 scourgings and horse-hair shirts, and other mortifi- 
 cations of the flesh, which do no good to themselves 
 nor to anybody else. And then, in strong contrast, 
 are those who train enough in all conscience with 
 'gloves,' single-stick, sculls, and all suchlike appli- 
 ances, and whose works take the form of tubbing, 
 volunteering, and a general jovial philanthropy. I 
 am not sure that they are not the most hopeful set 
 after all ; they believe in severe muscular training 
 us necessary to produce great physical results. Get 
 
THE " " 259 
 
 them lo accept, tlie possibility of the world's re- 
 generation by a divinely-directed effort of heroic 
 spiritual discipline on the part of its inhabitants, 
 and you might convert them from ' physical ' into 
 -Lmoral force' Christians. They understand the 
 efl&cacy of ' a long pull, and a strong pull, and a 
 pull all together ; ' and they might be shown that 
 the real place for a * biceps ' is the will, not the 
 arms ; and instead of a body ' as hard as nails,' the 
 chief aim of one's life should be to bring one's spirit 
 to that condition — ' hard,' be it understood, in the 
 sense of being impervious to the influences which 
 weaken and demoralise it — hard in its resistance to 
 the tyranny of society, to the claims of family or 
 friends, and to the force of ' natural ' ties, where any 
 of these things interfere with the ' spiritual ' train- 
 ing. It is only by thus remaining in the world, and 
 yet refusing to concede a jot to it upon any pre- 
 tence, however plausible, that it is possible to 
 acquire the internal isolation and strength of will 
 necessary to the achievement of ' these greater 
 works.' Depend upon it, the task of perform- 
 ing them is not hopeless because it seems stu- 
 pendous. There are spiritual forces now latent 
 in humanity powerful enough to restore a fallen 
 universe; but they want to be called into action 
 by fire. They are in a cold fluid state, and must 
 be turned into stone. Sublime moment ! when, 
 
26o PICCADILLY. 
 
 conscious of the Titanic agency within them, and 
 burning with desire to give it expression, men 
 first unite to embody, and then with irresistible 
 potency to impart to others tliat ' Life ' wliich is 
 ' the Light of men.' " 
 
 As I was thus speaking, we turned into Picca- 
 dilly, and an arm was passed through mine. 
 
 "Why is it," asked Broadhem, "that men are not yet 
 at all conscious of possessing this spiritual agency?" 
 
 " Why is it, ask you ? " — and the clear solemn 
 voice of my new companion startled Broadhem, who 
 had not seen him join me, so that I felt his arm 
 tremble upon mine. " Ask rather why sects are 
 fierce and intolerant; why worship is formal and 
 irreverent; why zealots run to fierce frenzies and 
 react to atheistic chills ; why piety is constrained 
 and lifeless, like antique pictures painted by the 
 old Byzantines upon a golden ground ; why Pusey- 
 ism tries to whip piety to life with scourges, and 
 starve out sin with fasts ; why the altar is made a 
 stage where Pdtualists delight a gaping crowd, and 
 the pulpit a place where the sleek oflicial drones 
 away the sleepy hour ; why religious books are the 
 dullest ; why the clergyman is looked upon by the 
 millions as a barrel-organ, whom the sect turns like 
 the wandering Savoyard, unable to evolve a free- 
 born note. There is but one answer " and he 
 
 stopped abruptly. 
 
THE " ." 261 
 
 " What is it ? " I said, timidly, for I was over- 
 whelmed by the torrent of his eloquence. 
 
 " We have lost our God ! That is why men are 
 unconscious of His force within them. It is a 
 terrible thing for a nation to lose its God. History 
 shows that all nations wherein the religious inspira- 
 tion has gone down beneath formalism, infidelity, 
 a warlike spirit, an enslaving spirit, or a trading 
 spirit, have burst like so many gilded bubbles, most 
 enlarged and gorgeous at the moment of their close. 
 Think of the old Scripture, ' The wicked shall be 
 turned into hell, and all the nations that forget 
 God.'" 
 
 " Who is that ? " whispered Eroadhem. " I never 
 saw him before." 
 
 " I want to be alone with him," I replied. " Good 
 night, Broadhem, You had better go back now, or 
 you will find your friends gone. Think over what 
 I have said. Once realise the ' mystery of godliness,' 
 and the martyrdom which it must entail will lose 
 its terrors." 
 
 " Let him sacrifice us if He will," said he who 
 had before spoken. " The true man is but a cannon- 
 shot, rejoicing most of all when the Divine Artil- 
 lerist shall send him irresistible and flaming against 
 some foeman of the race risen from Pandemonium. 
 Man — the true man — is like the Parthian's arrow, 
 kindling into fiery flames as it leaves the bow. Man 
 
262 PICCADILLY. 
 
 — the true man — is the Spirit-sword, but the sword- 
 arm is moved by the heart of the Almighty." 
 
 Ah Piccadilly ! hallowed recollections may attach 
 to those stones worn by the feet of the busy idiots 
 in this vast asylum, for one sane man has trodden 
 them, and I listened to the words of wisdom as they 
 dropped from the lips of one so obscure that his 
 name is still unknown in the land, but I doubted 
 not who at that moment was the greatest man in 
 Piccadilly, 
 
26i 
 
 CONCLUSION. 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 Piccadilly, July 15. 
 It will be seen by the date at which I am writing 
 this, that I have been compelled to increase the pace 
 I have been keeping up during the season. The 
 fact is, my episode, like those of my neighbours, 
 seems likely to be prematurely concluded by the 
 course of political events, which will no doubt act 
 prejudicially this year upon the happiness of many 
 interesting members of society. Towards the close 
 of the London season it is only natural that every- 
 thing should culminate; but generally the actors 
 in the scenes of real life so calculate that the cur- 
 tain falls just at the right moment ; or rather, that 
 they shall be doing just the right thing when the 
 curtain falls. The artists insensibly group them- 
 selves for the grand tableau. All over the stage 
 episodes are occurring, any one of which taken 
 separately would make a good sensation finale. 
 
264 PICCADILLY. 
 
 There are wily mothers and desperate daughtera 
 throwing with unerring aim their nets over youths 
 who have become reckless or imbecile. And there 
 are unprincipled poachers setting snares for the 
 pretty game they hope to destroy. Look at the 
 poor victims, both male and female, trying to get 
 disentangled. What a rush, and shuffle, and con- 
 flict of feelings and affections it is! The hearts 
 that for the first time feel they have been touched 
 as the moment of separation draws near ; the " his- 
 tories " which in all future time will form the most 
 marked page in his or her life, and which have be- 
 gun and ended in the season ; the intimacies that 
 have been formed, and which are to last for ever ; 
 those that have been broken ; the fatal friendships 
 which have been cemented this year, and the dis- 
 astrous results of which, suspected on neither side, 
 we shall read of in the newspapers years to come. 
 What a curious picture would be the mind of Lon- 
 don society if we could photograph it in February, 
 and how strangely different would it be from a 
 photograph of the same subject taken in July, more 
 especially when, as now, the elections throw every- 
 thing into confusion ; and little Haultort gets so 
 bewildered, that he encloses, by mistake, his address 
 to his constituents to Wild Harrie, instead of his 
 proposal to her, which he has forwarded to his local 
 attorney for publication in the Liberal organ of that 
 
MORAL, 265 
 
 borough which is honoured by possessing him as a 
 representative ! 
 
 In these clays when good taste requires that our 
 affections should be as shallow as our convictions, 
 we are puzzled, at a crisis like this, to know which 
 we love most, our seats or our mistresses. There is 
 a general disposition on the part of the lavender- 
 gloved tribe to resent the extra wear and tear of 
 mind suddenly imposed upon them this hot weather. 
 Why should they unexpectedly be called away from 
 the corners devoted to tete-d-tetes, to stand on hotel 
 balconies, and stammer, in unintelligible language, 
 their views upon Eeform to crowds of free and inde- 
 pendent electors ? " For goodness' sake," says Lark- 
 ington to Lady Veriphast, " give me some ideas ; 
 I've got to go and meet these wretched constitu- 
 ents of mine, and I had promised myself a much 
 more agreeable occupation with you at Eichmond. 
 Couldn't you get Veriphast to go down ? I should 
 be delighted to retire in his favour ; and with his 
 abilities it is ridiculous his not being in Parlia- 
 ment." 
 
 " How absurdly you talk about my persuading 
 Veriphast to do anything ? the only person, as you 
 know, who has any influence over him is Mrs 
 Loveton," responds her ladyship, with a sigh — aris- 
 ing from dyspepsia. 
 
 " I have hit it ; " and for a moment Larkington 
 
266 PICCADILLY. 
 
 looks animated. " Squabbleton is close to the coast, 
 and we will make a party, and I will take you all 
 round in my yacht, the Lovetons and you and Yeri- 
 phast ; we'll go and do the electioneering business 
 together, and keep the yacht as a sort o^ pied a terre, 
 or rather pied a mcr ; " and Larkington chuckled, 
 partly at his joke, and partly at this brilliant solu- 
 tion of his dilemma. 
 
 And so, while all the world is trying to reconcile 
 their pleasure with what they are pleased to term 
 their duty, being always the duty they owe to them- 
 selves, my thoughts are diverted, into a very differ- 
 ent channel. I am beginning daily to feel, while in 
 the world, that I am less of it. Already I have cut 
 myself off from the one great source of interest 
 which Parliament afforded me, and I have not suc- 
 ceeded in my love as a compensation — that is why 
 Larkington's arrangement to secure both seemed a 
 sort of mockery of my misery. For it was impos- 
 sible to resist the occasional fits of depression which 
 reduced my miiid to the condition of white paper, 
 and the world to that of a doll stuffed with sawdust. 
 I was suffering in this manner the day following 
 the evening entertainment at Lady Broadhem's, 
 which I have already described. The interview 
 which impended inspired me with vague terrors. 
 The night before I had looked forward to it with 
 positive enjoyment. There is no greater bore than 
 
MORAL. 267 
 
 to get up morally and physically unhinged, upon 
 the very day that you expect an unusual strain 
 upon your faculties. The days it does not matter, 
 you feel up to anything ; but nature too often per- 
 versely deserts you at the most critical moment. 
 
 Now, upon the morning in question it was neces- 
 sary as a preliminary measure for me to go into the 
 City and acquire some information essential to the 
 success of my interview with Lady Broadhem, but 
 before starting I was anxious to gain a few par- 
 ticulars from Grandon, the knowledge of which 
 would materially aid me in disentangling the com- 
 plicated skein of our joint affairs. I therefore 
 looked in upon him for a moment en passa7it 
 
 " I went to Lady Broadhem's last night, Grandon," 
 I said, " and I have reasons for wishing to know 
 whether you have had any communication with the 
 family lately. I think the time is coming when I 
 shall be able to explain much of my conduct which 
 I can well understand has perplexed and distressed 
 you." 
 
 " It would be a relief to me to feel that there was 
 no more mystery between us," he replied. " You 
 have certainly at last most effectually contradicted 
 the report you were the means of originating, but 
 the reparation was tardy, and should never have 
 been rendered necessary. However, there is no 
 use in recurring to the past; but I am entitled 
 
263 PICCADILLY. 
 
 to ask what your object is in making your present 
 inquiries ? " 
 
 " I am to see Lady Broadhem this afternoon," I 
 said, " and I wish to be prepared on all points. I 
 heard something last night which may influence 
 your future far more seriously than mine ; and it is 
 in fact in your interests, and not in my own, that I 
 wish to be well informed." 
 
 " What do you want to know ? " 
 
 " I want to know whether you have ever actually 
 proposed to Lady Ursula, and, if so, what was the 
 result ? " 
 
 " Frank," said Grandon, " after what has passed 
 you are pushing my confidence in you, and my 
 friendship for you, to their utmost limits, in expect- 
 ing me to answer you in this matter. Still I can- 
 not believe your motives to be unworthy, though 
 they may be unintentionally perverted ; nor do I 
 think that it is in your power to affect the position 
 of affairs either for good or harm. The fact is, then, 
 that Lady Ursula does know precisely the state of 
 my feelings towards her, and I feel that, though 
 there may be insuperable obstacles to our union at 
 present, she would never consent to yield to any 
 pressure exercised by her mother in favour of an- 
 other." 
 
 " In other words, the situation is unchanged, for 
 I think I knew as much as that before. Have you 
 
MORAL. 269 
 
 never spoken to Lady Broadhem directly on the 
 subject?" 
 
 " No," said Grandon — " never." 
 
 " I think," said I, " the time is coming when you 
 will be able to do so with advantage. I cannot tell 
 you more now, but this afternoon I shall hope to 
 retrieve myself in your estimation by being the 
 bearer of some good news. By the way, what are 
 you going to do about your election? — they say 
 your prospects are getting cloudy." 
 
 " Say rather utterly obscured," he replied. " You 
 know the borough I sit for is in Lord Scilly's 
 pocket, and he says I have not sufficiently stuck to 
 my party. They have never forgiven me for under- 
 standing the Schleswig - Holstein question; and 
 Scilly has extracted a promise from his new no- 
 minee that he is never to inform himself upon any 
 question of foreign politics. The Government is so 
 weak in this department that they are more afraid 
 of their own en/ants terribles than they are of the 
 Opposition, which is not saying much for the 
 latter." 
 
 " Who is Scilly's new nominee ? " I asked. 
 / " No less a person than our old friend Chundango," 
 he replied. " It seems Lady Broadhem put pressure 
 upon his lordship in his favour, and he at last con- 
 sented, though I suspect it was with a bad grace." 
 "Well, I don't think the Government need be 
 
2/0 PICCADILLY. 
 
 afraid of Chundango on foreign policy, though he 
 probably knows as much as the others." 
 
 It required no little effort to reach Bodwinkle's 
 office at 10 A.M. I found that great millionaire in 
 a peculiarly amiable frame of mind. Though two 
 or three of his neighbours had been smashing around 
 him, his superior foresight had enabled him to escape 
 the calamities which had overtaken them ; and he 
 was sitting chuckling in that rather dingy alley, 
 from the recesses of which he had dug his fortune, 
 when I entered. 
 
 "Ah, Lord Frank," he said, affably; " come to give 
 me some of your valuable advice and assistance in 
 my election affairs, I feel sure. Don't forget your 
 promise about Stepton. I have already given the 
 necessary instructions about that matter of Lady 
 Broadhem's; there is nothing going to be done 
 about it for the present." 
 
 "It is just with reference to Lady Broadhem's affairs 
 that I have come to consult you," I said. " You have 
 a pretty extensive Indian connection, I think ? " 
 
 "Eather," said Bodwinlde, in a tone which meant 
 to imply gigantic. 
 
 " Now I have reason to believe that her ladyship 
 is interested in some Bombay houses, and I shall 
 be able to throw some light upon her affairs which 
 may be of use to us both, if you will give me the 
 benefit of a little of that exclusive information with 
 
MORAL. 271 
 
 reference to cotton and those who are embarked in 
 its trade which I know you possess." 
 
 Bodwinkle was loath at first to let me into those 
 mysteries which he speedily revealed to me on my 
 explaining more fully my reasons for requiring to 
 know them, and I jumped into a hansom and drove 
 off to Grosvenor Square, planning a little plot which 
 I completed ere I arrived, and the construction of 
 which had acted as beneficially upon my nerves as 
 one of Lady Broadhem's own " pick-me-ups." Drip- 
 pings let me in, and his countenance wore an expres- 
 sion of anxious consciousness. As he led the way up- 
 stairs he whispered, " I trust, my lord, that under 
 the circumstances your lordship will not betray me 
 — my own livelihood, not to say that of my wife 
 and little ones, depends upon my keeping this place ; 
 and I would not have mentioned what had come to 
 my knowledge with respect to her ladyship if it 
 had not been that, knowing the interest your lord- 
 ship takes in the family, and more especially when 
 
 I come to consider Lady Ursula " 
 
 " Hold your tongue," I interrupted, angrily. " If 
 you wish me to reduce you and your family to beg- 
 gary, dare to open your lips to me again unless 
 you're spoken to." I felt savage with him for ruf- 
 fling my temper at the moment when I desired to 
 have my faculties completely under control; and as 
 my readers will have perceived, though my inten- 
 
272 PICCADILLY. 
 
 tions are always excellent, my course is occasionally, 
 under any unusual strain, erratic. 
 
 I never saw Lady Broadliem looking better. One 
 or two wrinkles were positively missing altogether, 
 and an expression of cheerful benevolence seemed 
 to play about the corners of her mouth. She greeted 
 me with an empressement totally at variance with 
 the terms on which we had parted upon the previous 
 evening. I must say that, when Lady Broadhem 
 chooses, there is nobody of my acquaintance whose 
 manner is more attractive, and whose conversation 
 is more agreeable. She had been a hclle in her day, 
 and had achieved some renown among the " whoUy- 
 worldlies " when she first married the late lord. Her 
 " history," connected chiefly with another lord of that 
 period, is not yet altogether forgotten. The end of 
 it was, that the world looked coldly upon her lady- 
 ship for a few seasons, and she scrambled with some 
 difficulty into the society of the "worldly-holies," 
 among whom she has ever since remained. There 
 are occasions when a certain amount of coquetry of 
 manner betrays the existence of some of those 
 " devil's leavings " which she is still engaged in 
 sacrificing. Had it not been for the information I 
 had derived from Drippings, her cordial reception 
 and unembarrassed manner would have puzzled me. 
 As it was, I felt assured by the indications they 
 fui-nished, that the butler had told me the truth. 
 
MORAL. 273 
 
 " My dear Lady Broadliem," I said, with en- 
 thusiasm, "how well you are looking! I am 
 sure you must have some charming news to tell 
 me. Is some near and wealthy relation dead, or 
 what ? " 
 
 " For shame, Frank ! what a satirical creature 
 you are ! Do you know I only discovered lately 
 that irony was your strong point ? I am positively 
 beginning to be afraid of you." 
 
 " Come now," I said, " own frankly, what you 
 have to tell me to-day makes you feel more afraid 
 of me than you ever did before." 
 
 Lady Broadhem blushed — yes, actually blushed. 
 It was not the flush of anger which I had often seen 
 dye her cheeks, or of shame, which I never did ; 
 but it was a blush of maiden consciousness, if I 
 may so express it, though it is occasionally to be 
 observed in widows. It mounted slowly and suf- 
 fused her whole neck and face, even unto the roots 
 of her hair ; it was a blush of that kind which I 
 have seen technically described by a German philo- 
 sopher as a " rhythm of exquisite sweetness." 
 
 The effect of this hardened old lady indulging in 
 a rhythm of this description struck me as so ludi- 
 crous that I was compelled to resort to my pocket- 
 handkerchief and pretend to sneeze behind it. At 
 the same moment Lady Broadhem resorted to hers, 
 and applied it with equal sincerity to her eyea. 
 
274 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " Dear Frank," she said, and sobbed, " Dear Lady 
 Broadhem," I responded, and nearly choked -with 
 suppressed laughter, for I knew what was coming. 
 
 " All my money difficulties are at an end at last, 
 and if I am affected, it is that I feel I am not 
 worthy of the happiness that is in store for me," 
 and she lifted up her eyes, in which real tears were 
 actually glistening, and said, " What have I done to 
 deserve it ? " 
 
 "Well, really," I replied, "if you ask me that 
 question honestly, I must wait till I know what 
 ' it ' is ; perhaps you would have been better with- 
 out — * it.' " 
 
 " I assure you, Frank, one of the uppermost feel- 
 ings in my mind is that of relief. I fully appreciate 
 the warm-hearted generosity which has prompted 
 you to take so much interest in my affairs; but 
 when it was all over between you and Ursula, my 
 conscience would not allow me to let you make 
 pecuniary sacrifices on so large a scale for my sake. 
 When Broadhem told me that you had determined 
 to persevere in your munificence, notwithstanding 
 Ursula's most inexplicable conduct, I made up my 
 mind at once to adopt a course which, I am happy 
 to say, not merely my sense of propriety but my 
 feelings told me was the right one. I must there- 
 fore relieve you from all further anxiety about my 
 business matters. You have, I think, still got some 
 
MORAL. 275 
 
 papers of mine, which you may return to me ; and 
 I will see that my solicitor not only releases 
 you from any engagements which you may have 
 entered into for me, but will repay those sums 
 which you have so kindly advanced on my account 
 already." 
 
 There was a tone of triumph pervading this 
 speech which clearly meant, "Now we are quits. 
 I don't forget the time when you drank my ' pick- 
 me-up ' first, and biologised me afterwards. And 
 this is my revenge." 
 
 I must say I looked at Lady Broadhem with a 
 certain feeling of admiration. She was a woman 
 made up of " forces." Last night passionate and 
 intemperate under the influence of the society she 
 had called round her : to-day calm and wily, using 
 her advantages of situation with a judgment and 
 a moderation worthy of a great strategist. She is 
 only arrogant and insolent in the hour of disaster ; 
 but she can conquer magnanimously. I assumed 
 an air of the deepest regret and disappointment. 
 " Of course, Lady Broadhem, any change in your 
 circumstances which makes you independent, even 
 of your friends, must be agreeable to you ; but I 
 cannot say how deeply disappointed I feel that my 
 labour of love is over, and that I shall no longer 
 have the pleasure of spending my resources in a 
 cause so precious to me." The last words almost 
 
276 PICCADILLY. 
 
 stuck in my throat ; but I wanted to overdo it, to 
 see the effect, 
 
 " My dear Frank," she said, Laughing, and hei 
 eyes would have twinkled had they not become too 
 watery from age, " I shall never make you out ; I 
 am so stupid at reading character, and 1 suppose so 
 dull altogether, that sometimes I am not sure when 
 you're joking and when you are in earnest. Now I 
 want you seriously to answer me truly one ques- 
 tion, not as people of the world, you know, making 
 pledges to each other, but as old friends, as we are, 
 who may dispense "with mystery." She held out 
 her hand with an air of charming candour. " Tell 
 me," she said, as she pressed mine, — " tell me 
 honestly, what could possibly have been your 
 motive in being prepared to go on sacrificing 
 your fortune for me when you had no chance of 
 Ursula ? " 
 
 " Tell me honestly, Lady Broadhem," I said, and 
 pressed her hand in return, " how you are going to 
 render yourself independent of my assistance hence- 
 forward, and I will tell you the motives which have 
 actuated me in proffering it." 
 
 " It is only just settled, and T have not even told 
 it yet either to Broadhem or my daughters. I am 
 quite prepared for the sensation it will make when 
 it is known, and the ill-natured things people will 
 say of me ; but my mind is made up, and we are 
 
MORAL. 277 
 
 told to expect persecution. I am going to be married 
 to Mr Cliundango I" 
 
 Lady Broadhem evidently expected to stun me 
 with this announcement, but as I had already been 
 prepared for it by Drippings on the occasion of our 
 first private interview, which the reader will re- 
 member, I received it with perfect equanimity. 
 
 " I had no conception," her ladyship went on, 
 " of the sterling worth and noble character of that 
 man until I had an opportunity of observing it 
 closely. The munificence of his liberality, and the 
 good uses to which he applies his enormous wealth, 
 the cultivation of his mind, the excellence of his 
 principles, and the perfect harmony of feeling upon 
 religious subjects which exists between us, all con- 
 vince me that I shall best consult my own happiness 
 and the interests of my dear children by uniting 
 my fate to his. I suppose you know Lord Scilly 
 is going to put him into Parliament for the Scilly 
 boroughs instead of Lord Grandon ? " 
 
 " No one could congratulate you more sincerely 
 than I do, Lady Broadhem," I said. " I can con- 
 ceive no greater happiness than an alliance in which 
 that perfect harmony of thought and feeling you 
 describe reigns paramount ; and now it is my turn 
 to tell you why I have acted the part which seems 
 so incomprehensible to you. Grandon is, as you 
 know, my dearest friend, but he is poor. Ursula 
 
278 PICCADILLY. 
 
 cares for him more, if possible, than I do. And 1 
 need not tell you that my own attachment to 
 your daughter is the strongest sentiment of my 
 nature. Now, I determined to prove the depth of 
 my affection for these two people by making them 
 both happy, and when all my arrangements were 
 completed I intended to make a final stipulation 
 with you, that you should give your consent to their 
 marriage, and that I should play the part of a boun- 
 tiful prince in the Arabian Nights, and that we 
 should all live happy ever after." 
 
 " A very pretty little plot indeed," said Lady 
 Broadhem, with a sneer. " You are too good and 
 disinterested for this planet, Frank. So you thought 
 you could coerce me into giving my consent to a 
 marriage I never have approved, and never shall V 
 
 " Don't be too sure of that," I said, and I allowed 
 the faintest tinge of insolence to appear in my 
 manner, for the sentiments and the sneer that accom- 
 panied it both irritated me, and I felt that we were mo- 
 rally drawing our revolvers, and looking at the caps. 
 
 " "Why not ? "What do you mean ?" she said, 
 sharply. " Who do you suppose is to dictate to me 
 upon such a subject ? Ursula will be very well off, 
 and I shall take care that she marries suitably." 
 
 " I don't know where she is to get her money 
 from," I said, calmly. 
 
 "You need give yourself no anxiety about her 
 
MORAL. 279 
 
 fur the future, I assure you. Mr Cliundango has 
 been most liberal in his arrangements about both 
 my girls." 
 
 " But, unfortunately, it is not in Mr Chunclango's 
 power to make any such arrangements," I retorted. 
 " I am sure nothing will alter your feelings towards 
 a man you really love, and that your own personal 
 conduct will not be influenced by the fact that Mr 
 Chundango is a beggar. You could go back to 
 India with him, you know, and make a home for 
 him in a bungalow in the Bombay Ghauts." 
 
 Lady Broadhem's face had become rigid and 
 stony ; so had my whole nature. I did not feel a 
 particle of compassion or of triumph. I was cold, 
 hard, and judicial. Her hour was come, and I had 
 to pass the sentence. " Yes," I said, " there is no 
 doubt about it. I got it from Bodwinkle this mo- 
 ment. The Bombay mail arrived last night, and 
 you know the way everything has been crashing 
 there through speculations in Back Bay shares, cot- 
 ton, &c. Well, the great Parsee house of Burstup- 
 jee Cockabhoy has come down with a grand crash, 
 and all our friend Chundango 's jewels in the back 
 verandah, added to everything else he possesses 
 in the world, will fail to meet his liabilities. Ter- 
 rible thing, isn't it? but we must bear up, you 
 know." 
 
 But Lady Broadliem had done bearing up some 
 
280 PICCADILLY. 
 
 time ago, and had sunk gently back on the couuh, 
 in a dead faint. As there was not the slightest 
 sham about it, I rang the bell for Jenkins, and felt 
 under the pillow for the "pick-me-up," which I 
 failed to make her swallow ; so I slapped the soles 
 of her feet with her shoes, till her maid arrived, 
 followed by Drippings, who, I suspect, had spent 
 some portion of his time in the neighbourhood of 
 the keyhole. 
 
 " I will go and look for Lady Ursula," I said ; 
 " where shall I find her ? " 
 
 "In her own * boudwore,'" said Jenkins — "first 
 door on the right, at the top of the stairs," and I 
 left Lady Broadhem being ministered to with sal- 
 volatile, and went in search of her daughter. 
 
 Lady Ursula was writing, and as she looked up 
 I saw the traces of tears upon her cheeks, though 
 she smiled as she frankly gave me her hand. " 1 
 half expected you, Lord Frank, as I knew you were 
 to call on mamma to-day, and I thought you would 
 not leave without seeing me ; but I expected to 
 have been sent for. Don't you know that this is 
 very sacred ground, and that the privilege of tread- 
 ing upon it is accorded to very few ?" 
 
 " I have that to tell you," I said, gravely, " which 
 I can only talk of privately. I have left Lady 
 Broadhem down-stairs, and it is the result of my 
 interview with her that I want to communicate to 
 
MORAL. 281 
 
 you. Do you know tliat she contemplated taking 
 a very serious step ? " 
 
 I did not know how to approach the subject, and 
 felt embarrassed now that I found myself obliged 
 to explain to a daughter that her mother was going 
 to marry the man that daughter had rejected, as an 
 act of revenge. 
 
 " No," said Lady Ursula. " I have suspected by 
 her preoccupied manner for many days past that 
 mamma had decided upon something, but I have 
 shrunk from speaking to her of her own plans. In- 
 deed she seemed to have avoided me in a way which 
 she never did before." 
 
 " Before telling you what she intended doing, I 
 must premise that she has quite abandoned the 
 idea ; therefore don't let yourself be distressed by 
 what might have been, but won't be now." 
 
 I risked this assertion as, though Lady Broadhem 
 had not told me that she had abandoned the idea, 
 and was at that moment in a dead faint, I felt cer- 
 tain that her first impulse on " coming to " would 
 be to abandon it. " Well," said Lady Ursula, with 
 her lip trembling and her eye cast down, " if you 
 think it right that you should tell me, do so ; re- 
 member she is my mother." 
 
 " It was nothing so very dreadful after all," I 
 said, and tried to reassure her by a careless manner 
 — for I saw how much she dreaded the unknown. 
 
282 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " The fact is, Lady Broadliem lias "been driven ^o 
 despair by the family embarrassments, and we must 
 make allowances for her under the circumstances. 
 Then perhaps she was under the influence of pique. 
 At all events, she has made up her mind to accept 
 a proposal which Mr Chundango had the audacity 
 to make." 
 
 Lady Ursula raised her eyes in a bewildered way 
 to mine. It was evident that she had failed even 
 now to comprehend me. What business, I thought, 
 had I to come up here after all ? It is a piece of 
 impertinence in me ; and I trembled at my rash- 
 ness. What will she think ? I shall shock her, 
 and ruin myself in her estimation irretrievably ; 
 and I wished myself back again, slapping the soles 
 of Lady Broadhem's feet ; but Lady Broadhem was 
 already making use of those very soles, and was 
 marching up-stairs at that identical moment ; for 
 before I could find words to explain my meaning 
 more fully to Lady Ursula, and while I was yet 
 doubting whether I should not back out of the 
 whole subject, in stalked her ladyship, very white, 
 with lips compressed, and an expression on her face 
 which so terrified Ursula that she forgot my speech 
 in the amazement and alarm which her mother's 
 aspect caused her. "What are you doing in my 
 daughter's private sitting-room. Lord Frank ? " said 
 Lady Broadhem, between her teeth. 
 
MORAL. 283 
 
 " I came to tell her of your sudden illness, and 
 explain the cause of it," I replied, calmly. 
 
 "And have you done so ?" and I saw how much 
 depended on my answer by the nervous way in 
 which Lady Broadhem clenched her hand to control 
 her emotion : she has given me a good many mau- 
 vais quarts d'heui^es, I thought — I will give her one 
 now. 
 
 " I was just telling Lady Ursula," I said, " that 
 j\Ir Chundango had positively had the impudence 
 to propose to you " — Lady Broadhem gave a sort of 
 suppressed scream — " when you came in." 
 
 " Then you did not tell her what he proposed ? " 
 she said. 
 
 " No, I leave that to you," I said, maliciously. 
 
 " My dear Ursula, I would not tell you, because 
 I know you do not approve of speculations, and 1 
 feel myself that they are questionable, if not actu- 
 ally sinful. My dear child, I did it for the best ; 
 Chundango wanted me to join him in one of his 
 Lidian speculations, and proposed to me to" — Lady 
 Broadhem paused, coloured, looked me full in the 
 face, and then said slowly — " to unite my resources 
 to his. Fortunately, Lord Frank has just discovered 
 in time that he is a bankrupt, so of course all part- 
 nership arrangements between us are at an end, and 
 I am most thankful for the lesson. You know I 
 promised you once before that I would give up 
 
284 PICCADILLY. 
 
 trying to retrieve my own fortunes by commercial 
 speculation, even of tlie most legitimate description ; 
 and now, my dear Frank, and you, my sweet child, 
 forgive me for having even thought of yielding to 
 this temptation. You must have seen how much 
 it has weighed upon me, Ursula dear, for some time 
 past ; but let us be thankful that I have been saved 
 from it," and the handkerchief was again called into 
 requisition. 
 
 Well done. Lady Broadhem ! that was a triumph 
 of white-lying, and the best piece of acting you have 
 done in my presence; it so touched Lady Ursula 
 that she threw herself on her mother's neck. 
 
 " Never mind, mamma ; I know that whatever 
 you do is out of love for us ; but indeed we don't 
 want to be rich. Broadhem has no expensive tastes, 
 and I would only be too glad to get away from Lon- 
 don. Let us let the house, and take a little cottage 
 somewhere in the country, — we shall be so much 
 happier;" and Lady Ursula nestled herself on her 
 mother's cheek, little dreaming that she had nearly 
 had Chundango for a father-in-law, and evidently 
 much relieved at finding that this dreadful intelli- 
 gence, for which I was preparing her, was not some 
 horrid crime, but only another money affair. As I 
 looked at the mother and daughter, clasped in each 
 other's arms, and pictured to myself the thoughts 
 that were hidden in those hearts now palpitating 
 
xMORAL. 285 
 
 against each other, I felt that it would almost be a 
 righteous act to tear them asunder for ever. 
 
 Never mind, you have given me a hold over you 
 that I shall turn to account ; that lie was dexterously 
 worded, and evidenced infinite presence of mind ; 
 but you will have first to throw over Chundango, 
 and then to shut his mouth, and then you will have 
 to shut mine, and finally to shut DrijDpings his mouth. 
 Oh, my dear Lady Broadhem, what a very slimy 
 and disagreeable course you have marked out for 
 yourself ! 
 
 "Mr Chundango is in the drawing-room, my 
 lady," said Drippings, appearing at the door at this 
 critical juncture ; and he took a survey of the group 
 as one who should say within himself, "Here is 
 some new start which I am not yet up to, but which 
 I soon shall be," and he waited at the door to ob- 
 serve the effect of his intelligence. 
 
 " I shall be down immediately," said Lady Broad- 
 hem, coldly ; and Drippings vanished. " Perhaps, 
 under the circumstances, you had better leave Mr 
 Chundango to my tender mercies," I said, signifi- 
 cantly. " There can be no reason why you should 
 ever see him again." I emphasised the word " ever " 
 purposely, and assumed a tone of authority under 
 which Lady Broadhem winced. Our eyes met for 
 a moment, and then I looked at her nose, and I 
 am sure she read my thought, which was " I must 
 
286 PICCADILLY. 
 
 keep it on the grindstone," for she sighed and 
 acquiesced. 
 
 " How do, my dear Mr Chundango ? " said I, 
 gaily, to the Oriental, who seemed rather taken 
 aback when he saw me enter the drawing-room in- 
 stead of Lady Broadhem, and whose lips got paler 
 than was altogether consistent with their usual 
 colour. " I must congratulate you on the prospect 
 of becoming a legislator. I hear Lord Scilly is 
 going to put you in for his boroughs." 
 
 "Yes," said Chundango, affectedly. "His lord- 
 ship has been good enough to press them upon me, 
 but I have determined not to go in as any man's 
 nominee. The fact is, I wanted to ask Lady Broad - 
 hem's advice upon that very matter, and have come 
 here expressly to do so." 
 
 "She is not very well, and has deputed me to 
 consult with you instead. Come," I said, confiden- 
 tially. " What is it all about ? I shall be too glad 
 to assist you." 
 
 The puzzled expression of Chundango's face at 
 this moment was a study : " Has Lady Broadhem 
 told him everything or not ? — How much does he 
 know ? — What line shall I take ? " and he stroked 
 his chin doubtfully. 
 
 " Come, out with it," I said, sharply ; " I haven't 
 time to stand here all day waiting till you decide 
 how much you will tell me and how much you 
 
MORAL. 287 
 
 won't." Now this is the kind of speech which dis- 
 turbs a native more than any other, but which 
 would be inexcusable in polite society. I had lived 
 too much in the East to be trammelled with the 
 conventionalities of Europe, and my friend felt as 
 much, for he cringed at once after the manner of 
 his race, 
 
 " I have no intention of deceiving you," he said. 
 "I don't know whether Lady Broadhem has told 
 you that we are to be united in matrimony ? " 
 
 " Yes," I said, " she has." 
 
 " Well, I want to make an-angeraents by which 
 the ceremony may be accomplished without delay, 
 for I feel the suspense is trying. ]\Iight I ask you 
 to find out the earliest moment which would suit 
 her convenience ? I need not say that I hope you 
 will be present." 
 
 " I suppose you would prefer it, if possible, be- 
 fore the arrival of the next mail from Bombay ? " I 
 said. 
 
 Chundango, who is by no means deficient in 
 intelligence, saw at a glance that it was useless to 
 attempt to deceive me. " I see that you know," he 
 said, meekly, " the terrible misfortune by which I 
 have been overtaken, through no fault of my own. 
 I am quite sure it will not affect Lady Broadhem's 
 resolution." 
 
 " I am quite sure it will," I said ; " and the fact 
 
288 PICCADILLY. 
 
 is, as she did not want a scene, she sent me down 
 to give you to understand that everything is at an 
 end between you. You look surprised," I went on, 
 for Chundango was not yet so familiar with the 
 customs of polite society, as to believe such heartless 
 conduct on the part of Lady Broadhem possible ; 
 "but I assure you this is the usual form among 
 ladies in London. I am well aware no Hindoo 
 woman would have done it ; but you must remem- 
 ber, Mr Chundango, that you are in a Christian and 
 a civilised country, where money is essential to 
 make the pot boil — not in a tropical heathen land 
 where a pocket-handkerchief is sufficient for cloth- 
 ing, and a few plantains for sustenance. We don't 
 keep our hearts in a state of nature in this country 
 a bit more than our bodies — it would not be con- 
 sidered proper ; you'll soon get over it " — but 
 Chundango's eyes were gleaming with revenge. 
 
 " Ah ! " he said, drawing his breath with a sibi- 
 lant sound, " everybody in London shall hear how 
 I have got over it." 
 
 " Nobody would believe you, and you would only 
 be laughed at. Lady Broadhem would llatly deny 
 it. We always do deny those little episodes. My 
 good innocent Chundango, how much you have to 
 learn, and how simple and guileless they are in your 
 native country to what we are here ! No, no ! come 
 with me ; T will do the best for everyboely, and send 
 
 \ 
 
MORAL. 289 
 
 yoa back to your mother dutiful and repentant — 
 you had no business ever to desert her;" and 1 
 rang the hell. 
 
 " Tell Lady Broadhem," I said to Drippings, " that 
 I have gone with Mr Chundango into the City, 
 and will call again to-morrow." I took Chundango 
 straight to Bod winkle's, and found the millionaire 
 in close confabulation with Spiffy Goldtip. Between 
 them was the address to the electors of Shufflebor- 
 ough, with which my readers are already familiar. 
 
 "We must alter it slightly," said Spifiy as I 
 entered. 
 
 "AVhat ! haven't you issued it yet?" I asked. 
 
 " No," he said ; " we were just going to send it 
 out to-day." 
 
 " Then I am in time to stop you. Your address, 
 Spiffy, so outraged Stepton, that he has determined 
 to stand himself, and neither you nor Bodwinkle 
 have a chance ; so I would advise you to keep that 
 document back," I said, turning to Bodwinkle, who 
 looked dumbfounded and crestfalleru 
 
 "A nice mess you have got me into between 
 you," he said, sulkily gazing at us both. 
 
 " Spiffy has, but my turn has yet to come. Bod- 
 winkle, I think you know more of Mr Chundango's 
 alfairs than any one else; in fact, I suppose you 
 have what the tradesmen call 'a little account' 
 between you. He wishes to say a few words con- 
 T 
 
290 nCCADILLY. 
 
 fideutially to you, while I want to have a tuoineiit 
 alone witli Spifl'y." 
 
 "You know all about him?" I said, uodJiiig 
 towards Chundango. 
 
 "Collapsed, hasn't he?" said Spiffy, 
 
 " Yes," I said, " but it won't be known for a day 
 or two. At present he is Lord Scilly's nominee. 
 Bodwinkle wants a borough. He may either ignore 
 his last programme, as it is not yet issued, and 
 adopt Scilly's political views, or, if he is too con- 
 scientious, when Chundango retires at the last mo- 
 ment, he may snatch the seat. All that is your 
 affair — you know Scilly and Bodwhikle both better 
 than I do. Now I have reasons for wanting 
 Chundango shipped back at once to Bombay, and 
 for wishing to close this long-standing affair of 
 Lady Broadhem's with Bodwinkle. Make the best 
 terms you can for Chundango, and see what Bod- 
 winkle is disposed to do in the other matter ; and 
 let me know the result to-morrow. Keep Chun- 
 dango here now to refer to. Good-bye, Bodwinkle," 
 I called out ; " Spiffy has got some good news to 
 give you, but be merciful to our friend here," and 
 I passed my arm through Chundango's and drew 
 him to a, corner. "Now, look here," I said, in a 
 whisper, " if you will bury the recollection of what 
 has passed between you and Lady Broadhem, and 
 never breathe a word of it even in your dreams, I 
 
MORAL. 291 
 
 will get Bodwinkle to start you agaiu in Bombay, 
 but you must go back at once and stay there. Now 
 you may stay here, for you will be wanted." I saw 
 Spiffy meantime imparting to Bodwinkle his pro- 
 jects for turning to account the new prospects I had 
 been the means of opening out to him. 
 
 " Dear me," I thought, as I for the second time 
 that day threaded my way westwards from the City, 
 " all this is unravelling itself very neatly, consider- 
 ing how much dirt is mixed up in it, but it is not 
 quite far enough advanced to be communicated to 
 Grandon." The fact is, I had a sort of suspicion 
 that he would not altogether approve of my mode 
 of carrying my point, even when my only desire 
 was to secure his and Ursula's happiness. No, I 
 thought; he would have scruples, and object, and 
 bother. I won't tell him anything till it is all 
 done ; but I must tell him something, as T promised 
 him some good news to-day, and he is waiting at 
 home on purpose. 
 
 " Well, old fellow, I think I have got a borough 
 for you, after all. It stupidly did not occur to 
 me before, but you are just the man for the con- 
 stituency." 
 
 "I thought you had been to Lady Broadhem's, 
 and were to bring me back some good news," said 
 Grandon, with a disappointed air. 
 
 "So I have," I replied, "but I am bound to 
 
292 PICCADILLY. 
 
 secrecy for another twenty-four hours ; meantime, 
 listen ! I am going to retire from Dunderhead. ] 
 wrote my address a few days ago, but did not send 
 it. They are therefore quite unprepared. I will 
 retire to-morrow ; the nomination is to be in two or 
 three days; and what with the suddenness of the 
 affair and my influence, your return is certain." 
 
 "You going to retire !" said Grandon, astounded. 
 " Why, you never told me of this. When did you 
 make up your mind ? " 
 
 " It made itself up, as it always does," I said, 
 laughing. " It never puts me in the painful position 
 of having to decide, but takes its own line at once. 
 I am going to America by the next steamer." 
 Now, when I tell my readers that when I began to 
 talk to Grandon I had no intention whatever of 
 going to America, they will be able to form some 
 idea, if they have not done so already, of what a 
 funny mind mine is. It came upon me with the 
 irresistible force of an inspiration, and from that 
 moment I was morally booked and bound at all 
 hazards to go. 
 
 Grandon knew me so well that he was less sur- 
 prised than he might have been, and only sighed 
 deeply. He felt at that moment that there was 
 something hopelessly wrong about me. He had 
 been so often encouraged by a certain steadiness 
 which I maintained for some time, and which led 
 
MORAL. 293 
 
 him to tliink me cliangeJ, aud so often disappointed; 
 for wlien he least expected it I broke the slender 
 fetters of common-sense and conventionalism, which 
 he and society between them had woven round me, 
 and went off at a tangent. 
 
 " Never mind, old fellow," I said, laughing, 
 " there is no use sighing over me. I have pleasures 
 and satisfactions arising from within that I should 
 not have if I was like everybody else. Now, for 
 instance : " — and the eagerness and turmoil which 
 my new project excited within me seemed to reduce 
 every other consideration to insignificance, for I 
 began to feel conscious that, somehow or other, 
 though I had often been in America before, this 
 time it was to be to me a newer world than ever. 
 
 "Are you going alone ? " said Grandon; for I had 
 not finished my sentence. 
 
 " No," I said ; and I guessed who my companion 
 was to be, though no words had been exchanged 
 between us. 
 
 "Who is going with you?" he asked, wonder- 
 ingly, for my manner struck him, and I scarcely 
 heard his question, so wrapt at that instance seemed 
 all my faculties. I think I fell asleep and dreamt, 
 but I can't recall exactly what I seemed to see. 
 Grandon was shaking me, I thought, in the most 
 heartless manner, and I told him as much when I 
 opened my eyes. The fact was, I was a little 
 
294 PICCADILLY. 
 
 knocked up with excitement ; but I would not go 
 and lie down till lie promised me to stand for Dun- 
 derhead. Then I went to bed, and did not get up 
 till the lamps were being lighted in Piccadilly. 
 
 The result of such irregular hours was that I was 
 in bed next morning when Spiffy Goldtip knocked 
 at my bedroom-door. He had worked very hard in 
 Lady Broadhem's interest, and explained to me the 
 scheme which he had arranged with Bodwinkle, by 
 means of which, at a very considerable sacrifice of 
 my own capital, I could start Lady Broadhem and 
 her son afresh in the world, on a very limited 
 income, but devoid of encumbrances of a threatening 
 or embarrassing nature. I would far rather have 
 invested the same amount in securing a larger 
 income to Grandon and Ursula, if they were ever 
 destined to be united ; but I knew that, in the first 
 place, nothing would induce them to take it from 
 me ; and in the second, that I could only even now 
 hope to extort Lady Broadhem's consent to the 
 match by the prospect I was enabled to hold out to 
 her of a period of financial repose. After all, my 
 own wants were moderate, and £15,000 a-year satis- 
 fied them as well as £20,000. 
 
 " We accomplished great things yesterday," said 
 Spiffy, rubbing his hands gleefully, for he had him- 
 self benefited by the settlement above alluded to. 
 " When I showed Bodwinkle that we could mako 
 
MORAL. 295 
 
 tlie Scilly boronglis a certainty, he behaved like a 
 gentleman, and our friend Chundango is to go out 
 to Bombay by the next mail, under more favourable 
 conditions than he could have possibly expected. 
 Of course I shall retire from contesting Shufflebo- 
 rough to the more congenial atmosphere of Hom- 
 burg. Heigho ! " sighed Sj)iffy, " I have gone through 
 a good deal of wear and tear this season, and want 
 to recruit." 
 
 I got rid of Spiffy as soon as I had heard what he 
 had to say, and I was so satisfied with his intelli- 
 gence that I determined at once to see Grandon, 
 and to take him with me to Lady Broadhem's. 
 " Grandon," I said, abruptly entering his room, " I 
 want you to come with me at once to Grusvenor 
 Square." 
 
 " Did Lady Broadhem tell you to ask me ? " He 
 looked up with such a sad, wistful gaze as he said 
 this, that my heart melted towards him, for I felt I 
 had spoken roughly; so I drew a chair close to him, 
 and, sitting by his side, placed my arm in his as we 
 did in the old school-days. 
 
 " My dear old fellow, the moment is come for you 
 to prove your friendship by trusting me thoroughly. 
 I know how rudely Lady Broadhem has always be- 
 haved to you whenever you have met — I know how 
 my conduct has perplexed and grieved you. Well, 
 Uusv, I have come to ask you to forgive us both." 
 
296 PICCADILLY. 
 
 " I have nothing to forgive ; but it would be an 
 utter want of taste in me to go there unless she 
 expects me, and wishes to see me, and I can hardly 
 hope that," he said, with a forced smile. 
 
 For a moment I doubted whether I dared to risk 
 it, but I had placed Lady Broadhem in a position 
 upon which I could venture a good deal, and I 
 longed for the triumph and gratification of enjoying 
 the success of my own handiwork It would be a 
 triumph full of alloy, but I wanted to see how 
 much I could achieve and — bear ; so my hesitation 
 vanished. 
 
 " I will take the responsibility on myself," I said ; 
 " and believe me, I would not urge it if I was not 
 perfectly certain that I was doing what is right. 
 Eemember how many times I have blindly followed 
 your advice. I only ask you this once to follow 
 mine, and secure your own happiness." 
 
 The temptation was too strong, and Grandon 
 yielded ; but it was with a reluctant, doubtful step 
 that he approached the door he had not this year 
 ventured to enter. It was opened by Drippings, 
 and I took the opportunity of having a little private 
 conversation with him in the hall, in the course of 
 which it was arranged that he should exchange her 
 ladyship's service for mine, and accompany me to 
 America: the truth is, I proposed settling him 
 there, and making him send for his wife and family. 
 
MORAL. 297 
 
 He knew too much of Lady Broadhem's affairs to 
 be at all a desirable domestic either to herself or 
 to her friends in this country. 
 
 " Lady Broadhem is in her own sitting-room, my 
 lord," said Drippings ; " shall I show your lordship 
 up to her?" 
 
 " No ; if there is nobody in the drawing-room, 
 take us there first. Now, Grandon, I will send for 
 you when you are wanted ; keep quiet, and don't 
 get impatient;" and I left him and knocked at Lady 
 Broadhem's door. 
 
 The events of the last twenty-four hours had told 
 upon her, and the old wrinkles had come back, with 
 several new ones. She was at that critical age 
 when a great grief or anxiety can make an elderly 
 person antiquated in a night — just as hair will turn 
 grey in a few hours. She put out her hand without 
 speaking, but with an expression of resignation 
 which seemed to say, "I acknowledge myself 
 beaten; be a brute or anything else you like; 
 trample upon me, pray — I am down without the 
 possibility of retaliating, but you will get very 
 little sport out of me ; badger me if you like, I 
 don't mean to show fight." All this I read in her 
 face as plainly as if she had said it ; and I thought 
 this a moment when generosity on the part of the 
 victor will prove one to be a true strategist ; and 
 no one will appreciate it more than Lady Broad- 
 
298 PICCADILLY. 
 
 hem. With great gentleness, and without allowing 
 a shade of self-satisfaction to cross my face or to 
 penetrate my tones, I told her how I had propi- 
 tiated Bodwinkle, banished Chundango, provided 
 for Drippings, and succeeded at last in placing her 
 affairs generally on a sound footing. 
 
 " Your genius will never be appreciated by the 
 world, Frank," she said, smiling half ironically, 
 half sadly. 
 
 " I am quite aware of that," I replied ; " nor will 
 this record of my experiences in it — except by you 
 and one or two others who know how true it is. 
 And now. Lady Broadhem, you know the wish 
 which is nearest my heart, but which I don't ven- 
 ture to put in words," — and I held out my hand. 
 
 "Yes," she said — and I saw the slender nostril 
 dilate with the effort it cost her to yield the point 
 upon which she had been so long inflexible — 
 " you want my consent to Ursula's marriage with 
 Grandon. I give it." 
 
 " Wait a minute ; I should like Lady Ursula to 
 be present," I said ; for even now I did not feel that 
 I could tnist the old lady thoroughly, and I rang 
 the bell. It was delightful to see how submissively 
 Lady Broadhem sent for Lady Ursula, and how 
 kindly she greeted both son and daughter as they 
 eu^pred, for Broadhem accompanied his sister. 
 
 •' 1 have sent for you. my dear," she said, "to ti^ll 
 
MORAL. 299 
 
 you how much we owe to our kind friend here, who 
 has completely relieved my mind from all those 
 anxieties which have heen weighing upon it for the 
 last few years, by his noble and generous conduct. 
 Ursula, dear, you will never know really how much 
 you owe him, for he has shown me that I have not 
 done my duty to you as a mother;" and Lady 
 Broadhem's voice trembled. " Upon my word," I 
 thought, " I do believe the old woman is sincere ; " 
 and I looked at her fixedly. The tears were filling 
 her eyes. Now pray heaven that we have got to 
 heart at last — it is like sinking a well in a thirsty 
 desert, and coming on water. Yes, there they are 
 welling out, honest large drops, chasing each other 
 to the point of her nose. Oh, my dear Lady Broad- 
 hem, I am beginning to love you, and my eyes are 
 beginning to swim too ; and before she knew where 
 she was, I threw my arms round her neck and 
 kissed her — an example which was rapidly followed 
 both by Ursula and Broadhem, and which so over- 
 came their mother that she buried her face in a 
 pillow and sobbed out — in tears that might at first 
 have been bitter, but were assuredly sweet and 
 refreshing at last — her repentance. I don't think 
 Broadhem had any very definite idea why he wept, 
 beyond a feeling of sympathy with his mother, and 
 the fact, which I afterwards heard, that Wild Tlarrie 
 iiad taken Spiffy's advice, and refused him ; so he 
 
300 PICCADILLY. 
 
 mingled his tears with hers, but Lady Ursula's eye? 
 were dry and supernaturally brilliant. As I gazed 
 on the group, my own heart seemed to swell to 
 bursting. I do really believe and trust that Lady 
 Broadhem will give up the worldly-holies, and be- 
 come a pious good woman ; and that those talents 
 and that force of character which she possesses may 
 be dedicated to a higher service than they have 
 heretofore been. If I have been the humble instru- 
 ment of working the change, the sooner I send 
 Grandon here and vanish myself from the scene, 
 the better, or I shall become vain and conceited, I 
 thought ; and I rose from my seat. 
 
 " Good-bye, Lady Broadhem," I said, " you will 
 not see me again. I am going to America in three 
 days, and must go to Flityville to-morrow; but I 
 never thought I could have bid you all farewell and 
 felt so happy at the prospect of parting ; " and I 
 threw one yearning glance on Ursula in spite of 
 myself. "Your happiness is secured, I do most 
 firmly believe," I said to her ; "and as for you," and 
 I laid my hand on Broadhem's shoulder, "remember 
 the experiment I proposed to you the other night, 
 and try it;" and I was moving off when Ursula 
 seized my hand, and almost dragged me back to her 
 mother's side. She lifted up her eyes like one in- 
 spired, and the radiancy of her expression seemed 
 to dazzle and blind me. Then she knelt down, and 
 
MORAL. 30' 
 
 1 kiielt by her side, while lier mother lay before us, 
 her whole frame heaving with convulsive sobs, and 
 Broadhem stood by wondering and awestruck. I 
 can't repeat that prayer here, but there was a power 
 in those gentle accents which stilled the stormy 
 elements, as the waves of the sea were once stilled 
 before; and when the thrilling voice ceased there 
 was a great calm, and we knew that a change had 
 been affected in that place. Then the floodgates 
 were opened which had been to that moment barred, 
 and Lady Ursula threw herself on her mother's 
 bosom, and wept tears of gratitude, and I stole 
 silently away to the drawing-room, and led Grandon 
 by the hand, without uttering a word, to that room 
 into which a new atmosphere had descended, and a 
 new breath had called into existence a new nature. 
 He started back on the threshold at the picture 
 before him. Lady Broadhem, apparently scarcely 
 conscious, clasped in the arms of her weeping daugh- 
 ter ; and Broadhem — poor Broadhem — bewildered 
 at the sight of the strong woman he had dreaded 
 and worshipped thus suddenly breaking down, was 
 sitting on a footstool at his mother's side, holding 
 one of her hands, helplessly. 
 
 " Good God ! Frank," said Grandon, in a whisper, 
 for neither Lady Broadhem nor her daughter saw 
 us, " what have you been doing ? " 
 
 " Beginning the work which is left for you to 
 
302 PICCADILLY. 
 
 finish ; " and I gently disengaged one of Lady Ur- 
 sula's hands, and drew it towards me. " On you," 
 I said to her solemnly, " has been bestowed a great 
 gift ; use it as you have done, and may he share it 
 with you, and support you in the lifelong trial it 
 must involve, and in the ridicule to which you will 
 both be exposed. Eor myself, I go to seek it where 
 I am told I shall alone find it." I placed her hand 
 in Grandon's, kissed her mother on the forehead, and 
 hurried from the room. Then the strain on my 
 nervous system suddenly relaxed. I am conscious 
 of Drippings helping me into a cab, and going with 
 me to Piccadilly, and of one coming in and finding 
 me stretched on my bed, and of his lifting me from 
 it by a single touch, just as Drippings was going ofif 
 in quest of the doctor. It was he who had met me 
 that night when I was walking with Broadhem, but 
 his name I am unable to divulge. " Stay here, my 
 friend," he said to Drippings, " and pack your mas- 
 ter's things : there is no need for the doctor ; I will 
 take him to America." And my heart leaped within 
 me, for its predictions were verified, and the path 
 lay clear before me. 
 
 And now, on this last night in England, as I pen 
 the last lines of this record of my life during the 
 six months that are past, and look back to the spirit 
 in which it was begun, and examine the influences 
 which impelled me to write as I have, I see that I 
 
MORAL. 303 
 
 too have undergone a change, aud that the time has 
 come when, it 1 wished, I can no more descant as 
 heretofore on the faults and foibles of the day. 
 Among those who have read me there may be some 
 wlio have so well understood, that they will see why 
 this is so. If in what I have said I have hurt the 
 feelings of any man or woman in my desire to ex- 
 pose the vices of society at large, they will be of 
 those who have failed to detect why I have said 
 thus much, and needs must stop here ; but none the 
 less earnestly would I assure them that it has been 
 against my will and intention to wound any one. 
 As I began because I could not help it, so I end 
 because I am obliged. My task is done. The seed 
 which I found in my hand, such as it was, I have 
 sown. Whether it rots and dies in the ground, or 
 springs up and brings forth fruit, is a matter in 
 which I cannot, and ought not, to have the smallest 
 personal interest. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 PRINTED BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS, EDINBURfiH. 
 
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