UMJVERSIT* Ox- CALix-'u -DAVIS Jt POETICAL PETITION, &G.. T. Bensley, Printer, Bolt Court, Fleet Street. TERRIBLE TRACTORATIONU A POETICAL PETITION AGAINST GALVANISING TRUMPERY, AND THE PERKINISTIC INSTITUTION. IN FOUR CANTOS. MOST RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED TO THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS, BY CHRISTOPHER CAUSTIC,pse M.D. LL.D. ASS. FELLOW OP THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF PHYSICIANS, ABERDEEN, AND HONORARY MEMBER OF NO LESS THAN NINETEEN VERY LEARNED SOCIETIES* i i ss ^- ^ d[, v^ "TV^Q V ' YV V^S (JTV& SECOND EDITION, WITH GREAT ADDITIONS. LONDON: PRINTED FOR T. HURST, PATERNOSTER ROWj AND J. GINGER, PICCADILLY. 1803. INTRODUCTION. THE demand for a second edition of CAUS- TIC'S PETITION, within the short period of two months from the publication of the first, has excited so much vanity in the author as to induce him to believe that his efforts have not been altogether unacceptable, and to hope that his objects may ultimately prove not to have been altogether unaccomplished. With such a re- ward for former exertions, and such an incite- ment for future, it will be thought natural in him to have used his endeavour for a continu- ance of public favour. The present edition, which contains more than double the quantity of matter that composed \ the last, will plead the virtue of industry, even j ..should the merit of the new matter not justly lay claim to that indulgence with which the former was honoured. VI Besides enlargement, this edition will be found, especially in the first Canto, to be materially altered. The aim of the alteration^ has been to avoid, as much as the subjects necessarily enlarged upon would admit, every sentiment and expression, which could offend the heart of innocence, or the eye of delicacy. Addressed, as the poem origi- nally was, to professional men, there was, perhaps, little cause to complain of too great a licence in this particular. The circulation of the work proving, however, to be by no means con- fined to the medical profession, and promising to be still less so in future, it has been the au- thor's study to savour this to the more general palate, as well as to enlarge the scope of its objects. Of one, among other advantages, which may generally be derived for the improvement of second editions, viz. *the criticisms of monthly journals, the author is in a great measure de- prived. Two only (\hzAntijacobin andMo/z/A- ly Register) have yet committed the deeds of Dr Caustic to the test of their tremendous ordeal. The sweet drops of their approbation, which, in their great clemency, they have allowed hint to taste, instead of the bitter pill, which the Vll trembling poet feared might have been his dose, inculcates a hope of a survival of the affray, without a broken heart through his own chagrin, however great his danger of a Iroken head through the chagrin of others. Thus far I had proceeded in remarks, which are applicable to this second edition only, and hesitated some time, before I resolved on the expedience of pursuing my observations, and of- fering something like an explanation of the mo- tives, which led to the present publication. This delay has enabled me to mention a third review of the first edition (by the British Critic). Like the, former two it has indulged Dr. Caustic with encomiums on his ' ingenious burlesque/ his f humorous notes,' his ' happy ludicrous com- f pounded rhymes, and many other qualities to insure no trifling success in doggrel verse,' 8tc. but, like itsel/} it has honoured Mr. Perkins with a torrent of abuse and malicious falsehood. To have hoped, by any thing that might be said in this Introduction, to alter the conduct of those, against whom the animadversions contained in the Poem are directed, would be vain. Others, however, who seek after truth with more disin- terestedness, and with whom truth, when known, may be subservient to some good effect, may Till have their inquiries facilitated by a simple detail of a few plain facts. The discovery of Perkinism, and the ascertain- ment of its utility in the cure of diseases, have been objects of the author's most critical and cautious investigation. This investigation, ter- minating in a conviction of its great importance to mankind, and its high claims to a rank among the choicest blessings to humanity, has placed him on the alert to watch its progress, and to feel an anxiety for its success. He has of con- sequence been roused at the disgraceful attempts made by the combined energies of prejudice' and self-interest to prevent the use, nay even the trial 9 of the efficacy -of the Metallic Tractors. Opposition, honourable in its views, and fair in its means, to discoveries of great preten- sions, is not only commendable, but almost in- dispensably necessary to the developement of truth. Such opposition, like friction to the diamond, proves its hardness and increases its lustre. But when, as in the present instance, -every avenue to truth is defended by scorpions, who endeavour to frighten you back by their liisses, or assail you with their stings, it cannot be unjustifiable to attempt to clear the passage l>y whipping away the reptiles.. The author, 'however, would not presume to represent that he has accomplished this task. But, if he has failed in his attempt, he is not yet discouraged. They have thrown the gauntlet in an untenable cause, and, as his quiver is yet full of arrows, he will be justified in shooting folly, malice, and ignorance, whenever they appear in any guise to combine against this important discovery. The writer would, however, caution against any supposition that the whole medical profession, many of whom are stars of prime magnitude in the hemisphere of science, are enemies to Per- kinism, or would make use of any unjustifiable means to oppose an improvement in the art of healing. Indeed no person can hold the more honourable part of the profession in higher esti- mation than the author of the following Poem. A concise sketch of the history of Perkinism, -since its first introduction into this island, will render evident what has been the nature of the op- position to the Metallic Practice, inasmuch as it will show that it resolves itself into two heads 5 viz. Ridicule and Malicious Falsehood. These, when called into action even by men of moderate talent, who are compelled by interest to extraordi- nary exertion, are no impotent engines, employed against the weak, however inefficient they may prove with men of penetration and independence. I shall proceed to the proof of my assertion relative to the character of the opposition to Per- kinism. I shall draw my facts from the several writers own acknowledgments and Mr. Perkins's answers, both of which have long been the sub- ject of my attentive observation. At the head of that part of the opposition, to be classed under ridicule, may be men- tioned certain proceedings in the Bath and Bristol Infirmaries ; the former under the direc- tion of Dr. Haygarth, a physician of Bath ; and the latter conducted by Mr. Smith, a surgeon of Bristol. These have been the grand rallying points about which every minor assailant has taken his stand. But it is unnecessary to reca- pitulate them here, as they are sufficiently en- larged upon in the second and third cantos of the following Poem. Before quitting the sub- ject, however, I would briefly mention, in ad- dition to what is there stated, that 'Dr. Haygarth, who ^condemns Perkinism on his own experi- ments, does not appear to have ever used the Tractors a second time on a patient, and Mr. Smith, whose virulent observations and necro- XI mantle manoeuvres constitute three fourths of Dr Hay garth's evidence against the Tractors, admits, before he closes his communication, that he never tried them. This last Gentle- man candidly acknowledges that he f . played the ( part of a necromancer' in his ridiculous pranks in ridicule of Perkinistn. Next in order comes the writer of the article f PERKINISM' in the Encyclopaedia Britan~ nica. How far I am justified in ranking this attack under the head of ridicule, will be learnt from the remark of the writer himself, who says, 6 to treat this discovery with seriousness would ' disgrace the profession of a scientific critic. 5 The whole attack is accordingly a strain of ridi- cule, invective, misrepresentation, and misquo- tation, which, in the opinion of some, has not much honoured the profession of a f scientific critic.' This writer copies, among others, the attack of the Monthly Revieiv, which shall next claim our attention. None has enjoyed, in a higher degree than the author of this Poem, the effusions of wit, which sometimes decorate the pages of the Monthly Review; but still he regrets that a journal, which might so eminently promote the xu cause of literature, should so often sacrifice every thing to a good joke. They have certainly been very witty at the expence of the Tractors, and I have, myself, joined in the laugh, wherever it has appeared to be the object of the critics to utter a smart, but not a malicious thing. But I ap- prehend that no honestly disposed person has derived that lasting satisfaction from their f quips * and cranks,* which they would have experi- enced from a learned and candid investigation of the merits of Perkinism. In their last attack on Mr. Perkins, alluding to the consequences of an unlucky kick, they advise him to avoid the use of Ihe Tractors on horses, and wittily suggest the propriety of his confining their application to bipeds, and among others would beg to recommend geese to his polite at- tention. But whether the gentlemen intend to offer themselves, or some other bipeds of the same species, but of less hissing notoriety, as the subject of experiment, they have not informed us, But ridicule, as before observed, has not been the only weapon with which Perkinism has been assailed. Falsehoods, BASE, WILFUL, and MA- LICIOUS, have been propagated with the like Benevolent intention of extirpating this intrusive xin practice. I say lase, wilful, and malicious, be- cause they carry with them the marks of bar- barous design. At the head of this list should be named a masked writer, who has found access to the pages of the British Critic. Surely there will not be found many, among the more civi- lized inhabitants of this kingdom, who will approve of an attempt to brand with infamy those acts in a PERKINS, which immortalized a HOWARD. But such has been the attempt of the writer in question. Dr. Elisha Perkins, the inventor of the Me- tallig Tractors^ and the father of the present proprietor, it is known, like Howard, sacrificed his life in the cause of humanity. The latter ended his days with a malignant fever at Cher- son, while visiting the sick and in prison. The former lost his life with a malignant fever at New York, caught while engaged in the bene- volent office of hunting out, and offering medi- cal assistance to the poor, in their dreary and distressed habitations, during the rage of that dreadful scourge, the yellow fever. Both alike left the calm enjoyment of domestic ease in this godlike employment, and both equally pursued the object with rio other expectation, or wish for reward, than the consolation of relieving 3civ the distressed. But it was reserved for the con- ductors of the British Critic to offer their pages to a wretch, who could conjure up an infamous falsehood, with a view of casting a sneer at the philanthropist, and covering with disgrace his benevolent acts *. After such a specimen of the * Dr. Perkins entertained the opinion that powerful antiseptic remedies had not been sufficiently tried in that putrid disorder, and these it was that he was soli- citous to put to the experiment. The particulars of his death were (as appears from Mr. Perkins's corre- spondence with Messrs Rivingtons, since published) in possession of the Editors of the British Critic. That journal, however, gravely asserts in its preface to Vol. xx. 'it. is a curious fact, we have lately learned, ' that the American inventor fairly duped himself on ' the subject of his Tractors. He died, we are told, of ' the yellow fever, with this useless operation performed * on him at the moment.* The atrocity manifested in the invention of this falsehood is equalled only by the subsequent conduct of the Editors, in refusing, when convinced of its injustice, to correct their statement. After numerous applications on the part of Mr. Per- kins, they dismiss the affair by the following shuffle. Among the addresses to correspondents in the number for August 1800, is the following. * Mr. Perkins's let- f ter we have handed over to our correspondent, whom it * more immediately concerns.' The Editors were cautious to avoid mentioning what Mr. Perkins this was, or the subject of his letter ! But to close this specimen of the XV liberality of the conductors of this journal, with respect to the Metallic Tractors, it did not sur- prise me to find that, although they were so condescending as to grant that this Poem had merit, as an * ingenious burlesque, &c/ still they pronounced it an empirical puff, and the pro- duction of Mr. Perkins ; and had the knavery also to misquote the title, by printing it PRAC- TICAL, instead of Poetical Petition, &c. The next assailant of Perkinism, of whom I shall take notice, is Dr. James Anderson. This ingenious gentleman condescended to amuse the readers of his ( Recreations in Agriculture 9 with the following falsehood, in proof of the falling reputation of Perkinism. ' The price of the honesty and impartiality exercised towards the Metallic Tractors, the explanation or vindication of this ' corre- spondent^ although frequently demanded, has not only never been given, but from that time the Tractors were forbidden to be advertised for sale in that Review, with this pretence, on the part of the publishers, that they had just come to a determination of admitting no more advertisements of medicines (the Tractors then are me- dicines!!) It is necessary only to add, that soon after- wards, March 1801,. this Review was stuffed, as usual, with the advertisements of quack medicines. See the numbers of the British Critic, already mentioned, and Perkins's ' Cases of Successful Practice^ page 21, second edition, for the particulars of this nefarious attempt. XVI * Tractors Is now reduced to four guineas the set!!*' But perhaps a gentleman of Dr. Anderson's fertile imagination and inventive genius ought by no means to be confined within the bounda- ries of truth. Had the Doctor been obliged to state useful factSy and prolalle theories, mere- ly, his ' Recreations 9 might possibly have been published in a sixpenny pamphlet, instead of the tedious and voluminous work he has contrived to botch together. Another assailant of Perkinism is a Mr. Corry. One would, however, feel little disposition to censure this character, as his low situation in life exposes him to temptations, which, it is to be hoped, he would otherwise resist. This r however, is no excuse for his employers. In a book against Quackery, he attacks the Tractors most furiously, and in support of his opinion of their inutility, adduces a statement of a number of experiments, purporting to have been made by one Mr. Wilkinson, at Avondale, near Strat- ford upon Avon. Mr. Perkins has been at the trouble to ascertain the correctness of this state- ment, and has found that neither the said Wil- kinson nor Avondale ever had existence!! In short,, the whole is a fabrication. I have to mention only one more of these XV11 gentlemen assailants. The late Lord Henniker was a friend and promoter of the Metallic Trac- tors. He purchased at different periods, during three years, three sets for the use of his own family. Being a Fellow of the Royal Society, and considered a gentleman of superior judgment and talents, the zeal with which he supported them, it may well be imagined, gave pain to many. Accordingly, at the death of that noble- man, some person conceived the idea of oblite- rating from the mind of the public any im- pression, which might have existed in favour of the metallic practice, in consequence of his pa- tronage ; and for that purpose the following pa- ragraph was inserted in a biographical sketch of Lord Henniker, in the Monthly Register, for April 1803. * No" one sooner adopted -a prejudice, but no ' one more readily submitted it to that test, f which best suited it, and upon no one had art * original prejudice less effect in dazzling a sub- c sequent judgment. The numerous testimonies * in favour of a celebrated nostrum induced his 4 Lordship to become a purchaser; having ob- * tained it, he immediately put it to the proof, <" and discovered its absolute inefficacy. His '^Lordship immediately relumed the nostrum, b XV111 with a pecuniary present to its inventor. " You will consider as your own what I have ff already paid for your Tractors. Employ the " inclosed notes to embark in some more honest ef business, and no longer impose on the credu- " lity of the public." From another letter in the Monthly Register of the succeeding month (May), it appears there never occurred between Lord Henniker and Mr. Perkins any circumstance which could give the least colour for such a representation. To the time of his death he remained a firm advocate of Perkinism. Two more assailants might be mentioned, but their deeds are already alluded to in the fourth Canto of the Poem. I have now mentioned every public writer of 'whom I have a knowledge, against Perkinism, and given a specimen of their arguments. The more private opposers, who employ that unruly member the tongue, are a hundred fold more numerous, and not less deficient in malice. , Alter this exhibition of the spirit, which has influenced the opposition to the Metallic Tractors in Great Britain, can there be found one honest man who will say that they have met with such treatment, as ought to have besn expected from XIX a liberal and enlightened profession; or that the author of the present poem has commenced an unprovoked attack on honourable and de- serving characters ? Perkinism is supported by- no mean and common pretensions. Five years has it buffeted the storm of interest and prejudice, and all true friends to humanity, acquainted with its merits, will congratulate each other on the result. The three following facts will place the evi- dence in favour of this Discovery in a fair point of view. Not an individual of those persons, who have communicated their experiments and remarks in favour of Perkinism (among whom are eight professors in four different universities, twenty- one regular physicians, nineteen surgeons, and thirty clergymen) has publicly or privately, so far as my knowledge extends, retracted his good opinion of the Metallic Tractors. 2d. The contest respecting the merits of the Tractors has lain entirely between disinterested persons who have approved of them, after a cau- tious and faithful experiment, and interested or prejudiced persons, who have condemned them without any trial whatever, generally indeed who have never seen them. This fact is demonstrated XX by the Report of the committee of the Perkineari Society to their General Meeting, conveying the result of their application, indiscriminately made to the possessors of the Tractors in the metro- polis, for their concurrence in the establishment of a 'Public Institution, for the use of them, oa the poor. It was found that only five out of above an hundred objeeted to subscribe, on ac- count of their \v x ant of confidence in the efficacy of the "Practice, and these, the committee ob- serves, there is reason to believe, never gave them a fair trial, probably never used them in more than ene case, and that perhaps a case in which the Tractors have never been recommend- ed as serviceable. Purchasers of the Tractors would' be among the last to approve of them, if they had. reason to suppose themselves defrauded of five guineas. A third important fact will, on a moment's reflection, evince the entire superiority of tire evidence in support of Perkinism to that which has been produced against it. On. the one side, as has been suggested, the evidence comes from disinterested and honourable persons, who had made repeated, trials of the efficacy of the Trac- tors; and on the other, from persons interested, prejudiced, and \vho had condemned them XXI without putting them properly to the test of experiment. Mr. Perkins has never published any facts resting on his own authority, but on that of respectable and disinterested men ; on the contrary, every statement adduced to the discredit of Perkinism has proceeded from an interested quarter, and most of them, as we have already shown, are falsehoods. I am now willing to express a confidence that the candid and unbiassed reader will be persuaded that the author has been engaged in a cause not unworthy of his best exertions; and that every real friend to humanity and useful science will wish- him success. It remains to speak of the plan and design of the Poem. The author's ambition has been to produce an original performance, and avoid all e servile trick* and ' imitative knack' of ordi- nary dealers in rhyme. He had rather intro- duce indefensible eccentricities, and run the hazard of the lash of the critic, than to ' threat ' his reader, not in vain, with sleep .' Although the attacks upon the Metallic Trac- tors are the principal subject of the following Poem, still the Author has painted every idle thing That Fancy finds in her excursive flight j* XX11 and he is sorry to say that our modern philosophers furnish such a multitude of ' idle things/ which they call discoveries and inventions, that he need never lay his brush aside for want of proper sub- jects upon which to exercise skill in his voca- tion. Were the mere inutility-of their researches the only objection which could be urged against them, they might be permitted to follow their frivolous pursuits without molestation. But when, in addition to inutility, their experiments are accompanied with the grossest inhumanity, the indignation of the reflecting mind is roused at so wanton a misapplication of time, and prostitution of talent. It has given the writer no small satisfaction to find the opinion enter- tained by professional critics, who have examined the former edition, that e the attack on some of * the cruel and indecent experiments of certain * modern naturalists, which seem limited to the * gratification of a licentious curiosity, having for ' their object the attainment of no one practical good, is just and commendable. The author * has not merely rhyme, but very frequently rea* ' son on his side in his satyrical remarks/ (An- tijacobin Review of April, 1803, on the Jirst Edition of this Poem). In the present edition, another variety of this XX111 species of philosophers has received some atten- tion, although not fully equal to what their de- merits require. These are they whose atheistical theories and speculations appear to have no other object than to annihilate a belief in an over- ruling Providence, and cancel every religious and moral obligation. In this department I have dwelt upon the theories of a philosopher (Dr. Darwin) whose Sweet tetrandrian monogynian strains Pant for a pistil in botanic pains j On the luxurious lap of Flora thrown, On beds of yielding vegetable down j Raise lust in pinks \ and with unhallowed fire Bid the soft virgin-violet expire j v and whose writings have a direct tendency t'o> unhinge society, and reduce mankind to a state of nature, by giving a loose to those passions^ which of all others require restraint. It is to me a most surprising, as well as la- mentable circumstance, that pure intellect has so little to do with the affairs of mankind. Whim, folly, and fashion, predominate most deplorably even in this (which we pretend to stile an enlightened) age. The man who disco- vers an extra joint in the tail of a tadpole is im- XxiV niortalized for the discovery. He who gives relief to thousands, languishing on the bed of srcknessj is to be sure an empiric, and unworthy of countenance and protection. A 1 lad head generally indicates a lad heart. A fool nine times in ten, to the extent of his abi- lities, is a knave. And it is happy for mankind that knaves commonly are fools,> and generally too cunning for their own interest. Thus it has hap- pened with many of the opponents to the Tractors. Gross palpable lies,- which were easily detected, have been circulated to disparage Perkinism. The detection of those lies has served as an ad- vertisement in its favour, and evinced the mo- tives of its adversaries. It is wisely ordained by Providence, for the good of society, that knaves should be permitted to overreach themselves. Although many things, which I have enlarged upon in this performance, are intended to be stigmatised, others are introduced merely for the purpose of laughing with, but not laughing at y the inventors. The experiments of Aldini, as well as those of certain learned and respectable chemists, the discerning reader will perceive, from the manner in which they are treated, that I have introduced merely for the purpose of giving them publicity, and thus promoting the interest of science. Indeed it would he very ill judged in the author to discourage Galvanic experiments, when not attended with inhumanity. Every advance in that science is a step nearer the top of the eminence on which Perkimsni rests. I am not, however, very sanguine that Perkinism is likely to derive that immediate support from the step- by-step progress which Galvanism is making, that one would, on the first reflection, be led to imagine. I fear the Medical Profession will fail to support Galvanism the moment it is attempted to be applied to any useful purpose, 'that is, to an easy and cheap mode of curing diseases, for tli en it will become identified with the other of- fending practice. Perkins and Aldini I conceive go hand in hand; but the former cures diseases, (ay there's the rub) and thereby, ; encroaches on the province of the faculty; and, I apprehend, it will continue to .be. the province of too many of the medical profession to condemn iheslmericqri, while they bencl the knee to the Italian. . . In the third Canto, entitled 'MANIFESTO,' the author lias discussed the merits of every an- whjch, to his knowledge, has :xxvi adduced against the Tractors. Their ridiculous-, ness, like that of some of our Bond Street fops, is almost beyond the reach of caricature. For in- stance, when we perceive Dr. Haygarth attempting to persuade the public that the Tractors cure dis- eases by operating on the imagination of the patient^ although every possessor of them may have daily proof that infants and brute ani- mals are as much subject to their power as the most credulous ; and when incontestible proof is adduced by Mr. Perkins of their efficacy on those subjects, we see the Doctor attempt to show that, in those cases, ( it is not the patient, but * the observer, who is deceived by his own * imagination* when we next find that Dr. H. and his adherents whose duty it is to cure diseases in the most safe, cheap, and expe- ditious manner, anathematize the Tractors, because they cure diseases/ (as they pretend to suppose) by an operation on the imagi- nation (a pleasant remedy 1) when they exclaim against the Tractors, and assert that no confi- dence is to be placed in their effects, because the modus operandi is not explained and demon- strated, like a mathematical problem, although the modus operandi of the best and most approved Medicines in the Materia Medlca is even more XXVII inexplicable when we find it objected to the Tractors, that the testimony of those who sup- port the discovery is not admissible, nor satis- factory, although such testimony is, in every sense, preferable to that on the other side of the question, inasmuch as it is from learned and disinterested men, many of them MEDICAL CHARACTERS, RETIRED ON THEIR FOR- TUNES FROM BUSINESS it is difficult to show the ridiculous conduct of the party op- posed to Perkinism, in a more conspicuous manner, than by presenting a simple relation of facts. The author has merely endeavoured to give a ludicrous turn to such nonsensical arguments, and, by thus placing them in their just light, show them to be ridiculous as well as foolish. In the fourth Canto, after exhibiting some specimens of pure and unadulterated quackery, together with some other curious traits of cha- racter, the Poet has plunged headlong and head- strong into a battle, which is intended for the entertainment merely of your stout-hearted, roast-beef readers, who feast upon terrible images and horror- fraught descriptions. Ladies and ladies-men, and all other delicate, timid, and gentle readers, are respectfully informed, that xxyin vvill do well not to venture too incautiously upon the terrific scenes there introduced. Should it be objected against this Poem that the author is unnecessarily severe on some oc- casions, I shall reply, in addition to what has been before observed, respecting the provocations given, that he' lias founded his severity upon FACTS, and if he has nothing extenuated, he has set down nought in malice. Were men of real science to iroite in stripping the mask from ignorant and impudent pretenders to knowledge and acquirements, which they do not possess, society would no longer be imposed on by empirics, pseudo-philosophers, poetasters, and ether witlings, who puff themselves into conse- quence with the less enlightened, but more nu- merous part of mankind. If, by attacking some of that kiwd of scribblers, exposing to ridicule and contempt their whimsical and impracticable theo- ries and speculations, and supporting a discovery, which (although it has been treated with unme- rited obloquy) experience has proved to be useful^ the author has. been of service to society, and contributed his mite to the treasury of correct literature, his most ardent wishes .and expecta- tions will be amply gratified. XXIX The following LINES, relating to the excel- lent Institution, so frequently mentioned in this Poem, the Author conceives may be copied here, not improperly, as a conclusion to this Intro- duction. An Address delivered before the PERKINEAN SOCIETY, at their public Dinner, at the Crown and Anchor, July 15, 1803, by a Friend to the Institution. SAY, c SONS OF SOUL/ when erst th* Omniscient plan DefignM this globe the tenement of man, What ' firm, immutable, immortal laws, * ImprefsM on nature by the GREAT FIRST CAUSED Bade jarring atoms form one beauteous whole, Fitted to order's durable control ? SAGES OF SCIENCE, eagle-ey'd, disclose What aptitudes and appetencies those, Which world with world connect in one vast chain, CAVSE and EFFECT, a never ending train ? Can ye unfold what energies control The magnet, faithful to its kindred pole j Or render plain the philosophic WHY Th' electric fluid fires the cloud-roof d iky * Meek they reply 5 < These causes mock the ken ' Of human intellect. Short-sighted men, Vf \ti\finite views, as well might hope to trace * Infinity , and fathom boundless space j * With finite views, explain the links which bind The world of matter to the world of mind. ' Not Newton's self could look all nature through* ' His, though a wide, was still a partial view. ' Experience teaches, from EFFECTS alone, * The works of Deity in part are known. ' As time rolls on, with raptur'd eye, behold, The laws of nature constantly unfold ! ' Behold Gal vani's vivid, viewless flame, ' Bids mimic life resuscitate the frame * Of man deceas'd j the vital lamp to burn, * With tranfitory glow, in death's cold urn. 'See POINTED METALS, blest with power t'appease, * The ruthless rage of merciless disease, * O'er the frail part a subtil fluid pour, * Drench'd with invisible Galvanic fhower, * Till the arthritic, staff and ( crutch forego, " And leap exulting like the bounding roe I* * What, though the CAUSES may not be explained, * Since these EFFECTS are duly ascertained, * Let not self-interest, prejudice, or pride, * Induce mankind to set the means aside : * Means, which, though simple, are by Heav'n designed, * T* alleviate the woes of human kind j * Life's darkest scenes with radiant light to cheer, f Wipe from the cheek of agony the tear,* XXXI Blest be His Memory, who, in happy hour, Gave to humanity this wond'rous power; Friend to the wretched, time mall write thy name, A second Howard, on the rolls of Fame. When late the Fiend of Pestilence could boast His power resistless o'er the western coast, Poisoned the air with fell mephitic breath, Gave countless thousands to the realms of death : Unmov'd by fear, though relatives implore, Mov'd by no claim, save pity for the poor, Thou didst, humane, with god-like aim essay, By medicine's power, his fury to allay ; But soon COLUMBIA mourn'd a PERKINS' doom, Which swelled the triumph of the sateless tomb. Ye worthy, honoured, philanthropic few, The Muse shall weave her brightest wreaths for you, Who, in HUMANITY'S bland cause, unite, Nor heed the shafts by interest aim'd, or spite ; Like the great Pattern of Benevolence, Hygeia's blessings to the poor dispense ; And, though oppos'd by folly's servile brood, ENJOY THE LUXURY OF DOING GOOD, CANTO I. OURSELF* ARGUMENT. GREAT Doctor Caustic is a sage Whose merit gilds this iron age, And who deserves, as you'll discover. When you have conn'd this Canto over, For grand discoveries and inventions, A dozen peerages and pensions j But having met with rubs and breakers From Perkins' metal mischief makers j With but three halfpence in his pocket, In verses blazing like sky rocket, He first sets forth in this Petition His high deserts but low condition. FROM garret high, with cobwebs hung, The poorest wight that ever sung, Most gentle Sirs, I come before ye> To tell a lamentable story. What makes my sorry case the sadder, I once stood high on Fortune's ladder 1 ; From whence contrive the fickle Ji!t did, That your Petitioner should be tilted. And soon the unconscionable Flirt Will tread me fairly in the dirt, Unless, perchance, these pithy lays Procure me pence as well as praise. Already doom'd to hard quill-driving, 'Gainst spectred poverty still striving, When e'er I doze, from vigils pale, Dame Fancy locks me fast in jail. Necessity, though I am no wit, Compels me now to turn a poet ; 1 I once stood high on Fortune's ladder. Although Dame FORTUNA was, by ancient mytho- logists, represented as a whimsical being, cutting her capers on the periphery of a large wheel, I am justified in accommodating her Goddesship with a ladder, by virtue of a figure in Rhetoric called POETICA LICEN- TIA, (anglice) Poets 1 Licentiousness. Not lorn, but made, by transmutation, And chemic process, call 3 'd starvation! Though Poet's trade, of ajl that I know. Requires the least of ready rhino ; I find a deficit of cash is An obstacle to cutting dashes. For Gods and Goddesses, who traffic In cantos, odes, and lays seraphic ; Who erst Arcadian whistle blew sharp, Or now attune Apollo's Jews-harp, Have sworn they will not loan me, gratis, Their jingling sing-song apparatus, Nor teach me how, nor where to chime in My tintinalulum of rhyming, * What then occurs ? A lucky hit I've found a substitute for wit; a My tintirratwlum of rhyming. The clock-work tintinabulum of rhyme, Cow?& B 2 On Homer's pinions mounting high, I'll drink Pierian puddle dry. 3 Beddoes (bless the good Doctor) has Sent me a bag full of his gas, 4 Which, snufPd the nose-up, makes wit brighter, And eke a dunce an airy writer. 3 I'll drink Pierian puddle .dry. Pursuant to Mr. Pope's advice 5 Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring. 4 Sent me a bag full of his gas, This wondrous soul- transporting modification of matter is christened by chemists Gaseous oxyd ofwitrogeny and, as will be apparent, from the following fuhlime stanzas, and my judicious comments thereon (in which I hold the microscope of criticism to those my peculiar beauties, which are not visible to the naked eye of com- mon sense), is a subject worthy the serious attention of the poet and physiologist. Any * half- formed witling," as Pope says, (Essay on Criticism,} * may hammer crude 'Conceptions into a sort of measured nonsense, vulgarly called ( prose bewitched.' But the daring mortal, who aspires to ' build with lofty rhyme" an JEwi Monumenttim, before lie sets about the airighty enterprise, must be filled with a sort of incom- With which a brother bard, inflated, Was so stupendously elated, prehensible quiddam of divine inflation. Then, if he can keep clear of Bedlam, and be allowed the use of pen^ ink, and paper,, every line he scribbles, and every phrase he utters, will be a miracle of sublimity. Thus one Miss Sibyl remained stupid as a barber's block, till overpowered by the overbearing influence of Phcebus* But when -ea frasna furenti Concutit, et stimulos sub pectore vertit Apollo ; the frantic gipfey muttered responses at once sublime, prophetic, and unintelligible. Indeed this furor mentis, so necessary an ingredient in the composition of the genuine poet, sometimes ter- minates in real madness, as was unfortunately the case with Collins and Smart : Swift, Johnson, and Cowper, were not without dismal apprehensions of a similar fate. The wight, therefore, who wishes to secure to himself a sublunary immortality by dint of poetizing, and hap- pens not to be Poet a Nascitur, must, like Doctor Cau- stic, in the present instance, seek a sort of cow-pock- like substitute for that legitimate rabies, which charac- terises the true sons of Apollo. Although my own experiments with Dr. Beddoes's 6 He tour'd, like Garnerin's balloon,, Nor stopp'd, like half wits, at the moon. sublimating gas would not warrant me in pronouncing it superior to the genuine, frem-imported waters of Helicon, still I have no doubt but a person possessed, as Dr. Darwin expresses it, of a ' Temperament of in- creased irritability,' or, as Dr. Brown would have it, whose animal machine was accommodated with a fmaller quantity of * Excitability,' might receive astonishing be- nefits from the stimulus of this gaseous oxyd of nitro- gene. Mature deliberation and sedulous investigation of this important subject have led me to conclude, that the benefits which result from inhaling this gas have been, more widely diffused than has been generally imagined, and not at all confined to those persons in whom it pro- duced the singular effects detailed by Dr^Beddoes, in his ingenious pamphlet on a certain windy Institution, entitled, < Notice^ Sec. Most of the sublime specula- tions of our modern System-Mongers, from Doctor Burnet, who encompassed the earth with a crust, like the shell of a tortoise, and which, being unfortunately fractured, produced a Noah's flood, to Dr. Darwin, with his * omnia e conchis, 1 have arisen from immoderate po- tations of this wildering gas. But scarce had breath'd three times before he Was hous'd in heaven's high upper story, s Where mortals none but poets enter, Above where Mahomet's ass dar'd venture, Strange things he saw, and those who know him Have said that, in his Epic Poem, 6 To be complete within a year hence, They'll make a terrible appearance. 5 Was hous'd in heaven's high upper story. Brother Southey then made the important discovery that c the atmosphere of the highest of all possible hea- * vens was composed of this gas.' BedJoes* Notice. 6 Have said that in his Epic Poem. The same poem to which the gentleman alludes in his huge quarto edition of Joan of Arc, in the words fol- lowing c Liberal criticism I shall attend to, and I hope * to profit by, in the .execution of my MADOC, an epic < poem on the discovery of America, by that Prince, on ' which I am now engaged.' As liberal criticism appears a great desideratum with this sublime poet, I trust he will gratefully acknowledge the specimen of my liberality towards a worthy brother in my 4th canto. And now, to set my verses going, Like ' Joan of Arc ^ sublimely flowing, I'll follow Southey's bold example, And snuff a sconce full, for a sample. Good Sir, enough ! enough already ! No more, for Heav'n's sake! steady! steady! Confound your stuff! why how you sweat me ! I'd rather swallow all mount How swiftly turns this giddy world round, Like tortur'd top, by truant twirl 'd round; While Nature's capers wild amaze me, The beldam's crack'd or Caustic crazy ! 7 7 The beldam's crack'd or Caustic crazy. Or, it is possible, may it please your Worships, that I I for the matter of that am a little te te tipsey, or so . But as there may perhaps be, as it were, now and then, one of your Right Worshipful Fraternity, who has been in a similar predicament se se ipse, I hope I shall receive your worships permission to stagger on with a jug full of gas in my noddle, at least, through a stanza or two. I'm larger grown From head to tail Than Mammoth, elephant, or whale f Now feel a ' tangible extension' 8 Of semi-infinite dimension! Inflated with supreme intensity, I fill three quarters of immensity ! Should Phoebus come this way, no doubt, But I could blow his candle out ! ,This earth's a little dirty planet, And I'll no longer help to man it, 8 Now feel a ' tangible extension* Of semi-infinite dimension. Much in the same way was Mr. Davy affected in consequence of respiring this soul- elevating gas. He informs us, that after having been shut up in a breathing- box fr an hour and a quarter, ' A thrilling, extending e from the chest to the extremities, was almost immedi- * ately produced. I felt a tangible extension, highly ( pleasurable in every limb ; my visible impressions were < dazzling, and apparently magnified. 1 Davfs Rewarel/es Chemical and Philosophical, 10 But off will flutter, in a tangent, $ And make a harum scarum range on't! 9 But off will flatter, in a tangent, And make a harum scarum range on't ! Mr. Davy's dose had a similar operation. He says, ' I lost all connexion with external things. Trains of ' vivid visible images rapidly passed through my mind, * and were connected with words, in such a manner as to * produce perceptions perfectly novel. I existed in a * world of newly connected, and newly modified ideas. 4 I theorised, I imagined that I made discoveries.' (Per- haps, if the learned lecturer were to repeat the dose, he might in reality hit on something of little less im- portance than the grand discoveries of Dr. Caustic.) 4 When I was awakened from this semi-delirious trance, ' by Dr. Kinglake, who took the bag from my mouth, 4 indignation and pride were the first feelings produced- * by the sight of the persons about me. My motions 4 were enthusiastic and sublime, and for a minute I 4 walked round the room perfectly, regardless of what * was said to me. As I recovered my former state of ' mind I felt an inclination to communicate the dis- 4 coveries I had made during the experiment. I endea- * voured to recal the ideas ; they were feeble and in- * distinct. One collection of terms, however, presented 4 itself; and with the most intense belief, and prophetic ' manner I exclaimed to Dr. Kinglake, " Nothing ex- 44 ists but thought j the universe is composed of iin- II Stand ye appaird ! quake! quiver! quail! For lo I stride a comet's tail ! If my deserts you fail to acknowledge, I'll drive it plump against your college ! ! But if your Esculapian band Approach my highness, cap in hand, And show vast tokens of humility, I'll treat your world with due civility. As Doctor Young foretold, right soon I'll make your earth another moon, I0 " pressions, ideas, pleasures, and pains '.IT* Dait will be a matter of no consequence whether its face or back-side is turned towards us. In that case our new moon, as was judiciously observed by an Hibernian of my acquaintance, would be of more consequence than jeven.the sun itself, for that shines only in the daytime, when we can see very well without him. On the whole, after weighing the subject maturely, deliberately, and considerately, as its importance re- quires, I am disposed to think that we are indebted to the ladies for this lunary (not lunatic) speculation of Doctor Young. This opinion I ground on the exces- sive sensibility which that polite lecturer on many oc- casions shews and most undoubtedly feels for the fair sex. Leaving these moot points, however, to be decided by more competent judges, I cannot pass over one im- portant affair which I have just right to exclaim against, as an infringement on my rights as a free-bom British subject. Every proprietor of the Royal Insti- I 4 From heav'n, where thron'd, like Jove, I sat, I'm 'fal'n! fal'ii! fal'n'down! flat! flat! flat! " tution has two red tickets transferable, which admit the possessor into the lower part, or body of the house, and also one blue ticket, transferable, to take his servants into the gallery. I have said above that 1 obtained a seat in the gallery by the aid of one of these blue tickets. This ticket I borrowed of Sir Joseph's coachman. Could it be imagined that my presence should have caused so much alarm, that orders should be im^ mediately given that no person should thereafter be admitted by the blue ticket, which orders are in force to this day. Knowing that I could not contrive to possess myself of a red ticket, to admit me among ladies and gentlemen, this arrangement was intended for my par- ticular vexation. Being on good terms with the coachman aforesaid, I have been allowed to hold this blue ticket in posses- sion, and have frequently essayed, by virtue thereof, to enter the gallery. But that old Cerberus of a door- keeper has ever growled me back again, with a Gorgon- like aspect which would have petrified any heart, unless, like mine, it were previously rendered callous by ad- versity. Indeed it is apparent, from the conduct of the Ma- nagers, that the whole host of Literati, at the Royal In- stitution, would be more terrified at beholding the mea- gre phiz of Doctor Caustic stretched over the front seat Just so the ancient poets learn us That crows, which flew o'er lake Avernus^ Were so besteneh'd, in half a minute^ They giddy grew and tumbled in it. And so a blade, who is too handy To help himself to wine or brandy, At first gets higher, then gets lower, Then tumbles dead drunk on the floor ! Such would have been my sad case, if I'd taken half another tiff 5 And even now, I can not swear, I'm not as mad as a March hare ! of the gallery, to scrutinize their proceedings, than if the cloven-footed fiend should in reality make his per- sonal appearance in the midst of them. 11 < Imfal'n! fal'n! fal'n' down! flat! flat! flat! See Dryden's Feast of Alexander, where one King Darius has a terrible tumble down, beautifully described by half a dozen fallens.' But I think the Persian Monarch did not, after all, fall quite so fiat as Doctor Caustic. 3 i6 How these confounded gasses serve us ! But Beddoes says that I am nervous, And that this oxyde gas of nitre Is bad for such a nervous writer! Indeed, Sir, Doctor, very odd it is That you should deal in such cammoditresj Which drive a man beside "his wits, And women to hysteric fits! 12 Now since this wildering gas inflation Is not the thing for inspiration, I'll take a glass of cordial gin, Ere my sad story I begin. And then proceed, with courage stout, -From ' hard-bound brains' Co focurnmer out My case forlorn, in doleful ditty, To melt your worships heart to pity. ia And women to hysteric (its. See the lamentable case of the Lady, page i6th of Dr. Beddoes's pamphlet, who, taking a drop too much of this panacea, fell into hysterical fits, &c. Sirs, I have been in high condition, A right respectable PHYSICIAN.; And pass'd, with men of shrewd discerning, For wight of most prodigious learning; For I could quote^ with flippant ease, Grave Galen and Hippocrates, Brown, Cullen, Sydenham and such men, Besides a skoal of learned Dutchmen. Ia In all disorders was so clever, From toothach, up to typhus fever, That I by learned men was reckoned Don ^Esculapius the second ! No case to me was problematic^ Pains topical, or symptomatic, u Besides a shoal of learned Dutchmen. JBoerhaave, Steno, De Graaf, Swammerdam, Zimmer- man, cum multis a/iis. By the bye, Gentlemen, this epithet shoal is not always to be taken in a shallow sense; but, when applied to such deep fellows, must be considered as a noun of multitude, as we say a ft?o*j of Jierrings. C From aching head; to gouty toes, The hidden cause I could disclose. ' Minute examiner of Nature, And most sagacious operator, I could discern, prescribe, apply And cure ^ disease in louse's eye. ! ** discern, prescribe, apply, , And cure My learned friend, Doctor Timothy Triangle, per- using the manuscript of this my pithy Petition, disco- covered that my description of the modus operandi on the insect as above, compared with the celebrated " fude, humbly hoping to obtain a premium for having invented an optical instrument, which would display the wing of a fly, placed on the top of St. Paul's, and pored at from the street adjacent, as large as the main- sail of a man of war. It is well known that this distinguished, right ho- nourable body are little less noted, than the gentlemen of the Trinity House, for their discernment in appreci- ating true merit, and their liberality in rewarding those artists whose inventions or discoveries have any con- nexion with the improvement of navigation, especially if such artist happen to be as poor as he is ingenious. The said Board of Longitude were so astonishingly libe- ral in the present instance, that they offered to reward him with no less than thirty pounds sterling ; and I have no doubt but they would have paid the whole sum, either in cash, or accepted bills of a short date. This, indeed, was a huge sum, when it is considered that the inventor had laboured, with unremitting assiduity, in perfecting this instrument no more than seven years. But his indignant ingenuity spurned at that sum as trifling and inadequate, and he accordingly broke his glass before the faces of his noble patrons. But notwithstanding the unfortunate issue of this application, great men like Dr. Caustic, and my friend aforesaid, have always resources in their own minds, sufficient to enable them to force their way forward in- so'ciety. Improvements of such magnitude are now in- Would be as terrible to see as The hundred-handed Briareus. troduced in the mechanism of this instrument, princi- pally by my instrumentality, that we should be justified' an refusing any reward, as too trivial for our merits, which the united funds of all Europe could bestow. I shall only state to your Worships a few of the im- portant objects to -which our astonishing magnifier may be advantageously applied.- It has been supposed, by some people of little or no research, that certain persons (very ;;like the gentle- men of the Trinity House and the honourable Board above mentioned) have no souls. But by taking a squint at them through our instrument, which makes mhility visible, you may perceive that each has a soul ubout the size of a large lobster. A certain statesman had been thought to possess no talents, and to be sure they were not quite visible to the naked eye 5 but, when peered at through our peerless microscope, this same statesman not only appeared su- periour to Machiavel, as a politician, but his splendid abilities shed ineffable lustre on all his relations! ! This microscope is equally useful in magnifying ser- *vlce$> which have been rendered' community. Thus the uncles, aunts, cousins, sisters, brothers, and little chil- dren, of the aforesaid statesman, by virtue thereof, seemed to have rendered such services to community, that nothing short of the most princely revenues, clerk- ships of Pells, &c.&c. c. could reward them in propor- tion, to their deserts, or enable them to support, in 'a< . suitable manner, their newly-acquired dignity. A fish-boat seem a grand flotilla, To frighten Addington or Billy; Appear a dreadful French invasions T annihilate the British nation. ' Could tell, and never be mistaken, What future oaks were in an acorn \ And even calculate, at pleasure, The cubic inches they would measure. Discovered worlds within the pal$ Of tip end of a tadpole's tail, . X7 A soldier in my glass's focus. Somewhat similar to the microscope described by Mr. Adams. ' Leuwenhoek discovered in the eyes of the Libellula * 12544. triangular lenses, each forming a distinct image ' of the object placed before it. On turning your eye 4 towards a soldier, by the aid of the mirror of the mi- * croscope, you will have an army of pigmies, perform- * ing every motion in the same instant of time.' Adams on the Microscope, p. 339. My improvement of the glasses renders each of thess * pigmies 1 as big as a Polyphemus* B . ., 34 And took possession of the same In my good friend Sir JOSEPH'S name; ;'*; And soon shall publish; by subscription, A topographical description -Of worlds aforesaid^ which shall go forth In fool's cap folio; gilt; and so forth. Could tell how far a careless fly Might chance to turn this globe awry, If flitting round, in giddy circuit. With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it! I9 18 In my good friend, Sir JOSEPH'S name. This was immensely proper, as I propose colonising these hitherto Terr** Incagnit^ and kno\w of no person in existence, except myself, (who am now decrepiJ with age, and, alas, sadly poverty-stricken) whose scientific qualification &, knowledge of the coast and welt-known ardent zeal in the science of Tadpoiism, so well entitle him to command such an important ex- pedition. 19 With leg or wing, he kick or jerk it. Could I command the years of a Nestor, the ' inde- lible ink r of a Lettsom, and the diligence of a Dutch commentator, I should still readily acknowledge that 25 Could amputate with ease, I trow,. A puppy's leg in utero; 20 my powers were totally inadequate to the task of eulo* gising, in proportion to their merits, the philosophical and literary performances of that profound sageDr. James Anderson, LL.D. F.R.S. Scotland, &c. &c. &c. c. whose mysterious hints afforded a clue by which I have "Been enabled to add lustre to the present age, by many of my own sublime discoveries and inventions. In his deep work called ' Recreations in Agriculture and Natural History,* the Dr. says, among other things not Jess marvellous, ' The mathematician/ can demonstrate, ' with the most decisive certainty, that nojly can alight * on this globe which we inhabit, without communi- eating motion to it ; and he can ascertain, with the ' most accurate precision, if so he choose to do> (by the bye this sine qua non part of the sentence is very beau- tiful, and not at all redundant) * what must be the * exact amount of the motion thus produced," Vol.ii, P- 35- ao A puppy's leg in utero. More wonderful matter, perfected from hints of Dr. A. ! After telling the public how to propagate rabbits with one ear, which would be no less useful than the renowned Gulliver's breed of ' naked sheep,' the Doctor says, * I know another instance of a dog, which was ' brought forth with three legs only, the fourth being ^wanting:'' (which last curious circumstance might pos- sibly happen, if it had thret legs only.) * U chanced to And matters comical have moulded, For docking colts that were not foaled. 21 * be a female ; she has had several litters of puppies, and * among these several individuals were produced that * had the same defect with herself; but no pains were ' taken to perpetuate this breed by pairing them with 'others of the same kind.* To be sure a most lament- able circumstance! Vol. i. p. 68. 11 For docking colts that were not foaled. Another Andersonianism. * It has been several times," says the Doctor, taken notice of by naturalists, that in England, where the practice of docking horses * very short, for a long time prevailed, the horses na- * turally produced have fewer joints in their tails than r those of other countries; and though I have never ' heard it noticed, that any were produced, without * having a tail, that required to be docked, yet it may * have often happened without being remarked ; for as * it would not be known, when old, from one that had ' been docked, it might pass unobserved/ The Doc- tor afterwards appears surprised, (as well he might be, at such an extraordinary phenomenon) that many men, who have lost a leg, or an arm, have had children after the accident, and these, for the most part, free from any blemish ! I But the above quotations are but puny crackers, com- pared with some great guns this writer can occasionally kt off. Pray how then can the public withstand the Artillery of the indignant Doctor when plied against the '7 And could prepare a puny fry Of yet unborn homunculi Metallic Tractors, those petty instruments of pretended mighty power, which, as will hereafter more fully ap- pear, have been the fruitful source of woes unnumbered to Doctor Caustic ? At a time when I was all dismay for some new argu- ment against Perkinism, my ingenious friend, to shew its falling reputation, among other conceptions equally happy and equally well founded, published in one of his ( Recreations / * that the price of the Tractors was now * reduced to four guineas the set.', when, in fact, no such thing was ever in contemplation. On the con* trary, an advance has since taken place in their price to six guineas. Indeed I may challenge any son of Galen to exceed my worthy friend in intrepidity of this sort. As to any ill-natured report Mr. Knight* may raise against the integrity of this philosopher, or any notion the public may entertain respecting his collusive opera- tions with honest Forsyth, I shall merely assert that I would not believe a syllable to that effect, were it ever so true. I confess, however, if Forsyth were my par- ticular friend, I might whisper in the good man's ear> that so useful is it to preserve the good graces of that To chant the dulcifkd squeakissimo, And eke to trill the grand squalli-ssimo. By bare inspecting, though months a'ter, A place where patient had made water, I could divine, with skill unfailing, Of what disorder he was ailing! And you ? ll allow, sans hesitation, On score of vast accommodation, old vixen y'clept Public Opinion, I should rather prefer tp have my discoveries rest on their own merits, than on the credit of even so great a man as Doctor An- derson ! aa And eke to trill the grand syuallisfimo!' I anticipate the being idolized by amateurs of Italian operas for this my beautiful invention. Surely it must be allowed I have herein far exceeded even what my friend Doctor Anderson would have supposed possible. As soon as this my invention is made public (which shall take place whenever I have by patent, or parlia- mentary donation, secured to myself the emoluments thereunto belonging) John Bull may gratify his delicate taste for refined music, without the trouble and expence of importing from Italy those pretty things, whose deli- cious warblings compose the soul of true melody. 29 That few discoveries this can equal, When you have heard me through the sequeL For bottled urine has, no doubt, In public mails, been frank'd about; (A thing there must be mighty trouble in,) To London, as it were, from Dublin, ** That such a man as Doctor Mayersbach, .(Such things took place not many years back) 24 * 3 To London, as it were, from Dublin. 'Contemplate for a moment, gentlemen, the extreme inconvenience attending the present mode of conveying, for the purpose of medical scrutiny, the singular con- tents of these bottles, to and fro, from Dan to Beer- sheba. Besides, our patients cannot all be Lord Lieu- tenants f Ireland. They cannot all enjoy the privilege .of franking, per mail, all sorts of commodities, such as millstones and necklaces, bales of Irish linen and ladies slippers ; and unless by particular act of parliament, allowing bottles of urine, like stamped almanacks, 'a* free passage per mail, to any part of his majesty's do- minions, I confess I do not see how Dr. Mayersbach can exersise, so often as could be wished, his soothsay- ing sagacity on the precious contents of such bottles. a4 Such things took place not many years back. J was at the house of Dr. M, when the postman, be- 3 Might view this uric oxyd's basis, ts And rightly understand the cases. sides the usual budget of letters, brought a huge bottle franked from Dublin Castle. I have particular satisfac- tion, however, in stating, for the information of those JadieS and gentlemen who by the same mail may have received either lov letters, or state letters, that I have no reason to apprehend (as there was no apparent leak- age or fissure in the bottle) that those letters were ac- tually p d upon. , *s . , uric oxyd's basis. I wish it may not be inferred from my adopting the /term Uric Ojcyd, that I propose to take any part in the controversy between Doctor Pearson and that blustering Fourcroy ; though I have no hesitation in asserting (in -private) that my countryman is right. But I would submit to any brother poet, who knows that * Rhyme the rudder is of verses, ' By which, like ships, they steer their courses,' 4 and who sometimes, like myself, is non-plussed ^for want of a proper expression to convey an important idea, whether there need be any other proof of the ex- istence of the Uric Oxyd than the genteel gingle there- by introduced in this my incomparable poem, and the happy opportunity thereby afforded for mentioning an indelicate matter in so delicate a manner, that the most delicate person in existence, (myself for instance) may express the thing, and preserve his, or her cheek, as 'free from a blush as a snow-bail. Supposing I had said, * Lithic Acid, 1 as Scheeleand Fourcroy would have had me, not a soul would have understood, it. SBitt I've a plan by which our betters May make a few drops on their letters; * And though it be but ' monstrous little/ I'll tell what ails them to a tittle. And since I ought^ as well as Jenner, To have some pence to buy a dinner^ 1 shall solicit cash and thanks From Payment, for preventing franks. Oft have I quench'd man's vital spark : The Soul's old cottage,' cold and dark. Again, in spite of Death, our grand ill, Illum'd as one would light a candle. 2? 16 May make a few drops on their letters. You will please, gentlemen, to take particular no- tice, that my mode of consecrating e-pist-o\ary favour* intended the Esculapian fraternity, will effectually pre- clude the risk of any accident happening to a whole mail of letters, many of which are frequently neatly folded, and addressed to as modest and delicate persona as any in the kingdom. 17 Illum'd as one would light a candle. In my younger days I lived on terms of intimacy, itflth Doctor Franklin, highly honourable to both parties, I've shewn ,a mode, in Latin thesis, To pick man's frail machine to pieces, as it showed we were both men of discernment in choos- ing each a great man for his friend. In a letter from that venerable sage, afterwards ^printed, (See franklin's Works> p. 115, vol. ii. 3d edi- tion) he told me that toads buried in sand, shut up in hollow trees, &c. would live for ever, as it were^ and, among other things, informed me of certain curious *facts about flies, which I will relate in his own words. ' I have seen an instance of common flies preserved in a ' manner somewhat similar. They had been drowned * in Madeira wine, apparently .about the .time .whjen it * was bottled in Virginia, to be. sent to London. At *.the opening of one of the bottles, at the house of a * -friend where I was, three drowned flies fell into the < first glass which was filled. Having heard it remarked * that drowned flies were capable of being revived by * the rays of the sun, I proposed making the experi- -ment upon these. They were therefore exposed to * the sun upern a sieve, which had been employed to * strain them out of the wine. In less than three hours * two of them began by degrees to recover .life. They ^-commenced by some convulsive motions of the thighs, ' and at length they raised themselves upon their legs, * wiped their eyes with their forefeet, beat and brushed -* their wings with their hind feet, and soon after began * to fly, finding themselves in Old England, without -* knowing how they came thither. The third continued 33 And how the same again to botch, Just as an artist does a watch ! 2g ' lifeless until sunset, when, losing all hopes of him> ' he was thrown away. ( I wish it were possible, from this instance, to ia- * vent a method of embalming drowned persons, in such ' a manner that they might be recalled to life at any * period, however distant j for, having a very ardent * desire to see and observe the state of America a hun- * dred years hence, I should prefer to an ordinary death * the being immersed in a cask of Madeira wine, with a * few friends, until that time, then to be recalled to * life by the solar warmth of my dear country. But * since, in all probability, we live in an age too early, * and too near the infancy of science, to see such an art 'brought in our time to perfection, I must, for the ' present, content myself with the treat, which you are * so kind as to promise me, of the resurrection of a fowl * or turkey cock/ Now if your worships will be so obliging as to make me a present of a cask of Madeira to try the experiment, $ will certainly bury myself therein for a century or .two, and I have no doubt but I shall be awakened with as much facility as was Endymion, the famous sleeper of antiquity, who slept seventy years at one nap, a8 Just as an artist does a watch ! I do not arrogate to myself the whole merit of this noble invention. Dr. Price and Mr. Godwin, in divers 34 Thus brother Ovid said or sung once, The Gods of old folks could make young ones, 2 ? elaborate works, especially the latter, in his ' Political Justice,"* suggested some ideas which set my ingenuity in such a ferment, that I could not rest quietly till I had brewed a sublime treatise on the best mode of pulling down, repairing, and rebuilding, decayed and worn-out animal machines. I shall not attempt, in this place, to oblige your wor- ships with any thing like a table of the contents of this judicious and profound performance, I will, however, gratify your curiosity so far as to glance cursorily at a few of the leading topics therein discussed and illustrat- ed, and slightly mention some of the immense advan- tages which will be the result of this discovery. In the first place, I make it apparent, by a long series of experiments and scientific deductions, drawn therefrom, that it is very practicable to enlighten the mind of a stupid fellow, by battering, boring, or pull- ing his body to pieces. Mr. Pope's authority is here to my purpose, who tells us, that * The soul's dark cottage battered and decayed, * Lets in new ligH through chinks which time has made/ / "Mr. Grey, likewise, in his ' Hymn to Adversity,"* re- quests that * Daughter of Jove' to impose gently her iron hand,* and trouble him a little with her ' tortur- ing hour/ although he appears disposed to avoid, if 35 By process, not one whit acuter, Than making new pots from old pewter. possible, her more dismal accompaniments, such as her * Gorgonic frown,* and the ' funereal cry of horror.* The Spaniards, under Cortes and Pizzarro, managed, much in the same way, and enlightened the natives of the mighty empires of Peru and Mexico in the Great Truths of Christianity, by killing a part, reducing the remainder to a state of servitude, and battering their souls* cottages at their leisure. This process is in part expressed in a Poetical Epistle, which I received not long since from my correspondent settled at Terra del Fuego, in South America, who thus expresses the conduct of some of his acquaintance, in converting the Aborigines to Christianity, Good folks to America came To curtail old Satan's dominions ; The natives, the more to their shame, Stuck fust to their ancient opinions. Till a method the pious men find, Which ne'er had occur'd to your dull wits, Of making sky-lights to the mind, 33y boring the body with bullets. ;Like Pope with his process so droll, To illume an old ciod-pated noddy; They thought they might burnish tl*e soul, jBy beating a hole in the body. So fam'd Aldini, erst in France, Led dead folks down a contra-dance, I have read of a great mathematician, who was un- commonly stupid till about the age of twenty, when he accidentally pitched head first into a deep well, fractur- ed his scull, and rendered it necessary to trepan him. After the operation it was immediately evident that his wit was much improved, and he soon became a prodigy of intellect. Whether this alteration was caused by * new light let in through chinks, the trepanning chissel had made,* or whether the texture and position of the brain were materially changed for the better, in conse- quence of the jar and contusion of the fall, I shall leave to some future Lavater, or any other gentleman, who can gauge the capacity of a statesman, or a barrel of porter, with equal facility, to determine. ad. I proceed to .demonstrate tha : t man being, as our most enlightened modern philosophers allow, jumbled together by mere Chance (a blind capricious Goddess, who, half her time, does not know what she is about) it is extremely easy to understand the principles of his texture j because the mechanism of his frame is less in- tricate than that of a .common spit jack. Consequently a Solomon or a Brodum can mend this machine when deranged as well as a Harvey, a Sydenham, or a Mead. 3d. I proceed to prove, from analogy, with what facility this machine may be disjointed, pulled to pieces, and again botched together. My friend Mahomet had his heart taken out, a drop of black blood expressed Itlierefrom, and went about bis common concerns the 37 And made them rigadoon and chassee As well a& when alive, I dare say ! 3 next day, as well as ever. So when a sighing swain is taken desperately in love, he may lose all his in sides without any very serious inconvenience. This I caa attest from sad experience^ as, about forty years since, f. was terribly in for 't, with a sweet little sprig of divi- nity, whose elbow was ever her most prominent feature, whenever I had the audacity to attempt to approximate the shrine of her Goddesship. 4th. The important advantages, which will undoubt- edly arise from this invention, are almost too obvi- ous to require explanation. 1 shall however advert to a few. By taking the animal machine to pieces, you may divest it of such particles as clog its wheels, and render its motions less perfect.. A decayed worn-out gallant may have its parts separated, thoroughly burnished, botched together, and rendered as bright as a new- coined silver sixpence. Thus my venerable Piccadilly friend, who, as Darwin expresses it, sometimes ' clasps a beauty in Platonic arms, 1 if he should, fifty years hence, perceive that the mechanism of his frame is rather the worse for wear, may come to Doctor Caustic, and be rebuilt into as fine a young Buck as any in Christen- dom.- 5th. Hereditary diseases may be thus culled from the constitution, and gouty and other deleterious particles separated from those which are sound and healthful. Pride may be picked from the composition of an- up- 38 .And I once offer'd, very prettily, To patch up Frenchmen kill'd in Italy, start mushroom of a nobleman, impudence from a quack, knavery from a lawyer, moroseness from a monk, testiness from an old bachelor, peevishness from an old maid, in short, mankind altered from what they are to what they ought to be, by a method at once cheap, practicable, easy, and expeditious. The only difficulty which has ever opposed itself to my carrying this sublime invention to the highest pos- sible pitch of perfection, has been the almost utter im- possibility of procuring any man, woman, or child, who is willing to become the subject of operation. Now if either of your worships would loan me his carcase to be picked to pieces, and again botched together in the manner above stated, provided the experiment should not folly succeed, I will engage to pay all the damages thereby accruing to community out of one tenth part of the profits of this publication. * 9 The Gods of old folks could make young ones. stricto Medea recludit Ense senis jugulum : veteremque exire cruoremv Passa, replet succis. Quos postquam combibit JEson Aut ore acceptos, aut vulnere barba, comseque Canitie posita nigrum rapuere colorem, Pulsa fugit macies. This passage, with a condensation of thought and 39 Tho' shot, or stabb'd, or hack'd with fell blows, As wives patch coats when out at elbows! Profoundly vers'd in chemic science, I could bid matter's Uws defiange; felicity of expression peculiar to myself, I have thus happily bit into English. Medea cut the withered weasand Of superannuated Eson, Then fill'd him with the acrid juices Of nettle-tops and flower-de-luces ; Till from the defunct carcase, lo! Started a dashing Bond- Street beau ! ! 30 As well as when alive, I dare say! The feats which our daily and monthly publications have informed us were achieved in Paris by this ma- gician, before his arrival in England, must be fresh in the recollection of every person. The only reason why he did not exhibit dead people in hornpipes and epntra- dances, while in London, was the want of proper sub- jects for Galvanic experiments. The tedious operation of English gallowses in extinguishing life renders the bodies cold and unsusceptible of any excitement; where- as the clipping French Guillotine will instantly turn them over to the operator in a state susceptible of the slightest stimulus. This fact affords ^scientific and con- clusive argument in favour of the French Revolution. 40 Was up to Nature, or beyond her^ In mimic earthquakes^ rain, and thunder ! 3T 31 In mimic earthquakes, rain, and thunder r Chemistry furnishes us with a method of manufac- turing artificial earthquakes, which will have all the reat effects of those that are natural. The old-fashion- ed receipt for an earthquake, however, of iron filings and sulphur mixed in certain proportions and immersed in the earth, I shall not take the trouble to state to your worships ; as most of you have, perhaps, read Mr. Mar- tin's Philosophy nearly half through. But my plan is to make such an earthquake as no mortal, except Dr. Darwin and myself, ever supposed possible. The former gentleman made shift to explode the moon from the Southern Hemisphere of our earth, and I propose to- forward another moon, by an artificial earthquake of my own invention, from the Northern Hemisphere, unless Dr. Young's comet, as mentioned in Note 10, should render such moon unnecessary. I will give your wor- ships a specimen of Dr. Darwin's moon-producing earthquake, from * Botanic Garden^ Canto ii. * Gnomes ! How you shrieked ! When through the troubled air, ' Roar'd the fierce din of elemental war; * When rose the continents, and sunk the main, * And earth's huge sphere exploding burst in twain. * Gnomes I How you gazM 1 When from her wounded * side, Where now the south sea heaves its waste of tide, And by a shock of electricity (I tell the truth without duplicity) * Rose on swift wheels the MOON'S refulgent car, ' Circling the solar orb, a sister star, Dimpled with vales with shining hills embossed, ' And rolled round earth her airless realms of frost. r No man will say in this case, Parturiunt montes nascitur ridiculus raus-. The reaction, at the moment of explosion, of that mass of matter which now composes our moon, is the cause of the obliquity of the polar axis to the poles of the ecliptic, according to DrJDarwin j though Milton says. -Angels turn'd askance ' The poles of earth twice ten degrees and more c From the sun's axle, they with labour push'd * Oblique the centric globe.' Whether an explosion similar to that, so beautifully described by Dr. Darwin, from the north side of the equator, would not set all right, and a new era be announced, which will be, like that of old, when Spring ' Perpetual smii'd on earth, with vernal flowers, * Equal in days and nights,' is a problem worth the attention of our modern philoso- phers. But, at any rate, I Dr. Caustic will, positively, try the experiment. 43 I did (what won't again be soon done) E'en fairly knock the man in the moon down! 32 Could tell how Nature works her matters In making brutes and human creatures : Gave long, detail'd, authentic histories, Of all that lady's nameless mysteries. Now as to my c rain and thunder' I have only to in- form your worships that I have a wife, and she is the very essence of a Xantippe, the yoke-fellow of Socrates. You well remember the observation of that sage, when she supplied him with a vast quantity of those articles, purporting, that after such violent peals of thunder a shower of rain must necessarily follow. 31 E'en fairly knock'd the man in the moon down! This notable exploit I think to be a very great im- provement on electrical experiments made by a number of renowned French and English philosophers. [See Priestley s History of Electricity, page 94.] But for this, with many other matters equally interesting and magni- potent, I must refer the inquisitive to the Appendix of my Fool's Cap Folio Volume, on the Tadpolian Disco- very. It may, however, be necessary, in order to shew the extent to which I have surpassed those philosophers, just to state, that the Frenchmen communicated the shock only about two miles and an half, and our own countrymen, with the present bishop of Landaff at their head, about /our miles and an half. 43 I learnt these from as nice a rabbit | As naturalist could wish to nab at. 33 | With toads and tadpoles made as many Experiments as Spallanzani. 34 33 As naturalist could wish to nab at. Such a gentleman as he who honoured the Royal Sa- ciety with that most interefting comaiunication in the Philosophical Transactions^ vol. Ixxxvii. p. 197. I cannot express the degree of my contempt for an; obscure Ignoramus, who ; in a scurvy pamphlet called * Pursuits of Literature, 1 * has endeavoured to bespatter the above gentleman, and cast an obloquy on certain use- ful and diverting experiments by him instituted. I trust I need say nothing more to shew the great impudence and folly of this scribbler, than to simply adduce his own most absurd and unreasonable comments. ' Surely 1 to sit calmly, and watch with an impure, inhuman, and < unhallowed curiosity, the progress of the desires, and * the extinction of the natural passions of devoted ani- * mals, after such mutilations and experiments, is a prac- lice useless, wicked, degrading, and barbarous.' 34 Experiments as Spallanzani. I have been the more solicitous to eulogise this greafc Philosopher, that I might thereby establish my own re- putation as a polite and a fashionable writer. For thus J implicitly follow the laudable example of most of the. truly gentlemen literati in Europe, who have vied with, each other in doling out the incense of their admiratioa 44 But what surpasses, you'll admit, All former bounds of human wit^ at the altar of this derm-god of an Abbe. Such, how- ever, was the tendency to public utility, and to the mi- '*\ tigation of the sufferings of humanity, evident in the multifarious pursuits of this philosopher, that certainly the most rigid theologian would acknowledge that a... : , moderate adoration of Spallanzani is not the most atro- cious kind of idolatry. It is notorious that this said Abbe was a very pious as well as delicate, polite, humane,, gentle, genteel gentleman, &c. Now if my friend, Mr. Pope Pius VII. does not im- mediately canonize Saint Spallanzani, We, Doctor Caus- tic, will cannonade him, and blaze forth our Bull front our garret, well peppered with anathemas, and then his Pontifical Dignity- ship will be forced to doff his Tiara, and acknowledge that We have fairly out-thun- dered all the thunders of his own Vatican. But to return from \l\\s flaming digression. All lite- rary men (as before intimated) agree, (but the writer of the article * Spallanzani' in the Encyclopedia Britannica has more particularly enforced the idea), that the most pro- minent traits in the character of the Abbe, were huma- nity, modesty ) and delicacy of sentiment. Indeed these fea- tures are apparent from the Gentleman's own account of the numerous progeny, to which he was instru- mental in giving existence, among motley tribes of frogs* tadpoles, toads, silkworms, and salamanders. ' See 45 I forni'd, by chemical contrivance, A little homo all alive once ! 35 Spallanzanfs Dissertations on Animals and Vegetables,* vol. ii. But what most ravishes me is that famous experiment on one of the canine race, whose superb result was, as he himself tells us, a beautiful litter of * three whelps, two males, and one female!' For reason,s which appear to me satisfactory, I must deny myself the privilege of giving your worships a de- tail of the Abbe's curious manoeuvres in the course of this last experiment ; but your curiosity will be amply gratified, by turning to page 150, vol. ii. of the aforesaid work of Spallaozani. I would, however, most earnestly recommend to any resolute inquirer, who is determined to know the bottom of this business, to anticipate the operation which he may be assured the perusal of the said volume of Spallanzani will otherwise have on the animal system, by previously swallowing an emetic j as to be. engaged in such an operation, at the time of read- ing, must certainly be inconvenient. Indeed I have had it in contemplation to recommend the perusal of almost any page in any of the works of this great naturalist, as a succedaneum forTartar-emetic, Ipecac, and other drugs of similar qualities j but a sub- sequent weighty consideration induced me to suspend, for the present, any determination of that kind, to wit, that it might militate against the interest of our trade. That Dr. Darwin supposed that the researches of .Spailanzani would terminate in some wonderful Lusu$ And, gentlemen, myself I flatter, You'll think this last a mighty matter; Nature, is apparent from what his has informed us, Pbj- tologia, p. 119. It is not impossible, as some philoso* ' pher has already supposed, if Spallanzani should con- * tinue his experiments, that some beautiful productions * might be generated between the vegetable and the ' animal kingdoms, like the Eastern fable of the rose and nightingale !!!!!!!! I' 35 A little homo all alive once ! As soon as I shall have accomplished the all-important task of procuring your worships assistance in unclench- atig the ' hard hand of pinching poverty/ which, I assure you, most cordially gripes me at present, J intend to surprise the learned world with an elegant volume, de- corated with highly finished engravings, giving in detail a profoundly scientific history of the origin, progress, and consummation of this my ne plus ultra, this my most sublime of all sublime discoveries. And, gentlemen, if you do not, as Dr. JLettsom says, ( Dip your pens in * eetherial and indelible ink/ and puff away, I shall think you are a set of , but not to call names. Jn a civil, humble, and complaisant way, I intreat you to suspend for the present any idle curiosity relative to this my great achievement. Not a syllable relative to my new species of manufacture must escape before the whole is fairly laid open, to public inspection. Without this useful precaution, some bungling operator may iiazard the production of a new-fangled order of beings, 47 That, trac'd through all its consequences, The good resulting most immense is. r Tis of pre-eminent utility To all our gentry and nobility, Who have estates and things appendant, Without a lineal descendant. For they may come, and ope their cases > And I'll make heirs to noble races ; By process sure as scale of Gunter, On plan improved from surgeon Hunter. bearing no more affinity to the humah species, than a lap-dog to a wolf, a cat to a tiger, or a monkey to a man. And as I propose to Solicit his Majesty's Letters Patent for the exclusive right to all emoluments, &c. belonging, or anywise appertaining, to this my most curious invention, I could wish that no spurious wares might be palmed on the public to the prejudice of the patent. I think it right, in this place, to give notice, that unless I should be patronised in proportion to the merits of the great achievements herein announced, I will ab- solutely offer my services to Bonaparte, and manufacture an heir to the Deserves a feather in his, cap, For having boldly set his foot on The foolish trash of Isaac Newton; 36 36 The foolish trash of Isaac Newton. See ' Studies of Nature,* by St. Pierre, in which that scheming philosopher has, with wonderful adroitness, swept away the cobweb calculations of one Isaac New- ton. Indeed I never much admired the writings of the last mentioned gentleman, for the substantial reasons following: In the first place, the inside of a man's noddle must be better furnished than that of St. Pierre, or he will Rever be able to comprehend them. Secondly, it would be impossible to manufacture a system, like that of St. Pierre, accounting for the vari- ous phenomena of nature, in a new and simple method, if one were obliged to proceed, like Newton, in his * PrincipiaJ in a dull, plodding, mathematical manner, and prove, or even render probable, the things he as- serts. But by taking some facts for granted, without proof, omitting to mention such as militate against a favourite theory, we may, with great facility, erect a splendid edifice of ' airy nothings,' founded on hypo- theses without foundation. The said Isaac had taken it into his head that the earth's equatorial was larger than its polar diameter. This he surmised from the circumsUnce of a pendulum E 5 Contriv'd $ scheme, which very nice is, For making tides of polar ices, ^vibrating slower near the equator than near the pole, and finding that the centrifugal force of the earth would not fully account for the difference between 'the time of the vibrations at Cayenne and at Paris. This, with other reasons equally plausible, kd him to suppose that the earth was flatted near the poles, in the form of an oblate spheroid, and that a degree of la- titude would, of consequence, be greater near the pole than at the equator. Actual admeasurement coincided with that conclusion. The Abbe St. Pietre, however, possessing a most laudable ambition to manufacture tides from polar ices, and thus to overturn Sir Isaac's theory relative to the moon's influence in producing those phenomena, and finding it somewhat convenient for that purpose to place his poles at a greater distance from the center of gravity than the equator, accordingly took that liberty, He likewise had another substantial reason therefor. Unless his polar diameter was larger than his equato- rial, the tides, being caused by the fusion of polar ices, must flow up hill. He therefore drew a beautiful diagram with which a triangle would, (according to the scheme of the author of < The Lov-esoftbe Triangles," improved from Dr. Darwin's ' Loves of the Plants'"), certainly fall in love at first sight. (See page xxxiv. Pref. Studies of Nature.) In display- ing his geometrical skill in this diagram, however, he took care to forget that there was some little difference 5* And fed old Ocean's tub with fountains, From Arctic and Antarctic mountains. Though Godwin (bless him) told us how To make a clever sort, of plough, 3 ? Which would ev'n set itself to work, And plow an acre in a jerk. between an oblong and an oblate spheroid. That flatting the earth's surface, either in a direction perpendicular or parallel to the poles, would increase the length of a degree of latitude by decreasing the earth's convexity. That neither an oblate, nor an oblong spheroid was quite so spherical as a perfect sphere. This was very proper, because such facts would have been conclusive against his new Theory of the Tides. 37 To make a clever sort of plough. If you wish, gentlemen, to know any thing farther relative to this instinctive plough, you will take the trouble to consult Mr. Godwin's * Political Jttstice^ in which you will find almost as many sublime and practi- cable schemes for ameliorating the condition of man, as in this very erudite work 6f my own. Let it no^ be in- ferred, from my not enlarging upon the present and other schemes of this philosopher, that I would regard him as one whit inferior to any other modern philosopher existing, not even excepting his friend Holcroft; but the -necessity of expatiating on the redundancy of Mr, God- win's merits, is totally precluded by the unbounded fame 2 I* Though Price's projects are so clever, They shew us how to live for ever; 38 Unless we blunder, to our cost, And break our heads against a post ! Though Darwin, thinking to dismay us, Made dreadful clattering in chaos, And form'd, with horrid quakes t' assist him, His new exploded solar system. 3 ? which his chaste productions have at length acquired among the virtuous and respectable classes in commu- nity. 33 They shew us how to live for ever. The learned Dr. Price, in his Tracts on Civil Liber ty y * assures us that such sublime discoveries will be here- after made by men of science (meaning such as Dr. Caus- tic), that it will be possible to cure the disease of old age, give man a perpetual sublunary existence, and in- troduce the millennium, by natural causes. 39 His new exploded solar system. ' Through all the realms the kindling ether runs, 4 And the mass starts into a million suns ; * Earths round each sun with quick explosions burst, ' And second planets issue from the first; These wights, when taken altogether, Are but the shadow of a feather; ' Bend, as they journey with projectile force, * In bright ellipses their reluctant course ; * Orbs wheel in orbs, round centers centers roll, * And form, self-balanc'd, one revolving whole.* Botanic Garden, Canto i. This sublime philosopher has been most atrociously squibbed in the following performance, which I can as- sure you, gentlemen, is not mine 5 and, if I could meet with the author, I would teach him better than to be- spatter my favourite with the filth of his obloquy. * Lines on a certain Philosopher, who maintains * that all continents and islands were thrown from the * sea by volcanoes.; and that all animal life originally * sprang from the exuvia of fishes. His family arms * are three scallop shells, and his motto ** Omnia e * Conchis." * FROM atoms in confusion hurl'd, * Old Epicurus built a world j * Maintained that all was accidental, * Whether corporeal powers, or mental j That feet were not devis'd for walking, ' For eating teeth ; nor tongues for talking j 4 But chance, the casual texture made, * And thus each member found its trade. ' ' And in this hodge-podge of stark nonsense, * He buried virtue, truth, and conscience 54 Compared with Caustic, even as A puff of hydrogenous gas But T, in spite of my renown, Alas! am harass'd^ hunted down; Completely damn'd, the simple fact is, Bv PERKINS'S METALLIC PRACTICE!-** Darwin at last resolves to list Under this grand cosmogonist. He too renounces his Creator, And solves all sense from senseless matter j Makes men start up from dead iish bones, As old Deucalion did from stones ; Forms mortals quick as eyes could twinkle, From lobster, crab, and periwinkle Oh Doctor! Change thy foolish motto, Or keep it for some lady's grotto j Else thy poor patients well may quake, If thou can no more mend than make. 4 By PERKINS'S METALLIC PRACTICE. Here comes the HYDRA, which you Herculean gentlemen are requested to destroy j but the means, by which this great end is to be accomplished, will be fully pointed out in the succeeding Cantos, 55 Our should-be wise and learned 'Societies Are guilty of great improprieties, In treating me in manner scandalous, As if I were a very Vandal ; thus Determin'd, as I have no doubt, My sun of genius to put out, Which, once extinct, they think that so 'tis Their glow-worm lights may claim some notice. i Such hum-drum heads and hollow hearts Pretend, forsooth, t' encourage arts ! But that pretence, in every sense is, The flimsiest of all pretences. These noble-spirited Maecenasses To me have shewn the greatest meannesses j Have granted me for these things said all Not one halfpenny, nor a medal \ ! ! CANTO II. CONJURATIONS! '. ARGUMENT. THE Bard proceeds like one that's striving To practise Blackmore's art of diving ; Presents sublime and strange narrations Of wizards, ghosts, and conjurations j Next tours in Delia Cruscan stile Above old Homer, half a mile; And flutters round in airy region, Just like a wild-goose or a pigeon 5 /zW with the theme of Hay garth's praises Until his rapture fairly bla%esi Then in a Duel shews more prowess, Than Vandal that e'er was, or now is. JN o w I'm a man so meek and humble, I don't allow myself to grumble, Am loth your patience thus to batter, But starving is a serious matter! 4I 41 But starving is a serious matter ! Many a worthy London Alderman will most feelingly sigh a dolorous response to this pathetic complaint. Another reason too, may't please ye, Why thus I dare presume to tease ye ; If you my wrongs should not redress, We all must be in one sad mess! 42> The credit of our craft is waning, Then rouse at this my sad complaining $ 44 We all must be in one sad mess! The sound is here a most correct echo to the sense - 7 like the By Pc of HOMER ; the Quadrupedante putrem sonitu quatit ungula campum, of VIRGIL 5 the Many a lusty thwack and bang, of BUTLER; And ten low words oft creep in one dull line, of POPE, &c. Indeed, gentlemen, I shall almost bs tempted to pronounce that person a sorry sort of a sim- pleton, who does not see, or seem to see, the lengthened visage and hanging lip of our learned Esculapian Frater- nity, depicted with the phiz-hitting pencil of a Ho- garth, in these eight beautiful and appropriate mono- syllables. 59 For, though my fate now seem the rougher, Still you as well as / must suffer. Behold! A rising INSTITUTION, 4 3 To spread Perkinean delusion ; Supported by a set of sturdy men, Dukes, quakers, doctors, lords, and clergymen ! Unblushing at the knavish trick, I fear these fellows soon will kick (A thing of all things most uncivil) One half our physic to the d-v-1 ! And then, alas ! your worships may Be forc'd to moil the live long day, With hammer, pickaxe, spade, or shovel, And nightly tenant some old hovel. 43 Behold a rising INSTITUTION. The builders of this second edition of the Tower of Babel must be confounded j and that they will be, most certainly, provided the measures herein after recom- pxended, be fully and manfully carried into effect. 6o Or, destitute of food and lodging, Through dark and dirty lanes be dodging, Unless t' avoid such dismal lurkings, You put a powerful paw on PERKINS. Behold what ought to raise your spleen high, Peridns supported by Aldini ! 44 It must have been most sad, foul weather, From Italy to blow him hither. My wrath, indeed, is now so keen, I Ev'n wish, for sake of that Aldini, This ink were poison for the wizard, This pen a dagger in his gizzard! 44 Perkins supported by Aldini ! These two wonder-working wizards are said to effect their necromantic manoeuvres by the application of the same .principle to the animal machine. But the latter does not, in so great a degree, infringe on our privileges, for he begins where we leave off, that is, after the patient \sdead\ whereas Perkins, by his pretended easy and expeditious mode of curing those who ought to depend solely on * Death and the Doctor, 1 is a more formidable foe to our profession. 6i For he ('tis told in public papers) Can make dead people cut droll capers ; And shuffling off death's iron trammels, To kick and hop like dancing camels. To raise a dead dog he was able, 45 Though laid in quarters on a table, 45 To raise a dead dog he was able. c Dr. Aldini, now in London, lately exhibited, at the * house of Mr. Hunter, some curious experiments oil * the body of a dog newly killed, by which the company, ' then present, were exceedingly astonished at the powers ' of Galvanism. The head of the animal was cutoff. ' The head and the body were put beside each other on ' a table, previously rubbed with a solution of ammonia. ' Two wires, communicating with the Galvanic trough, * were then applied, the one in the ear, the other at the * anus of the dead animal. No sooner had those appli- ' cations been made than both head and body were ' < thrown into the most animated muscular motions. * The body started up with a movement, by which it * passed over the side of the table. The head equally ' moved, its lips and teeth grinning most violently !* Vide the Morning Post of January 6th, 1803* And led him^ yelping, round the town, With two legs up> and two legs down; 4 * And, in the presence of a posse Of our Great Men, and ANDREOSSI, He show'd black art, of worse description, Than e'er did conjuring Egyptian. He cut a bullock's head 5 I ween, Sheer off, as if by guillotine ; 46 With two legs up, and two legs down. Your worships will perceive that I have detailed some particulars relative to this famous experiment, which were omitted in the above statement from the Morning Post. But should any gentleman among you presume to in- timate that I have stated one syllable, which is not strictly and literally true, I shall embrace the fashion- able mode of resenting the affront. I have two pistols in my garret. Let him who dares dispute Dr. Caustic 4ake his choice. Then, unless ' Palias should come, in shape of rust, ' And 'twixt the lock and hammer thrust * Her Gorgon shield, and make the cock * Stand stiff as 'twere transformed to stock/ I will make it apparent that I am a man of honour, as well as veracity. Then (Satan aiding the adventure) He made it lellow like a Stentor! * And this most comical magician Will soon, in public exhibition, Perform a feat he's often boasted, And animate a dead pig roasted. With powers of these Metallic Tractors, He can revive dead malefactors $ 47 He made it bellonv like a Stentor! c Some curious Galvanic experiments were made on * Friday last, by Professor Aldini, in Doctor Pearson's * Lecture Room. They were instituted in the presence * of his Excellency the Ambassador of France, General * Andreossi, Lord Pelham, the Duke of Roxburgh, * Lord Castlereagh, Lord Hervey, the Hon. Mr. Upton, * &c. The head of an ox, recently decapitated, exhibit- ' ed astonishing effects 5 for the tongue being drawn out 4 by a hook fixed into it, on applying the exciters, in * spite of the strength of the assistant, was retracted, so * as to detach itself, by tearing itself from the hook j at x the same time, a loud noise issued from the mouth, * attended by violent contortions of the whole head and * eyes.' SeeM0r#*> Post of February i6th, 1803. I 64 And is reanimating daily, Rogues that were hung once, at Old Bailey ! * 8 Rogues that were hung oxce, at Old Bailey. ' The body of Forster, who was executed on Monday * last, for murder, was conveyed to a house not far dis- * tant, where it was subjected to the Galvanic Process, by Professor Aldini, under the inspection of Mr. ' Keate, Mr. Carpue, and several other Professional * Gentlemen. M. Aldini, who is the nephew of the dis- * coverer of this most interesting science, shewed the ' eminent and superior powers of Galvanism to be far * beyond any other stimulant in nature. On the first * application of the process to the face, the jaw of the * deceased criminal began to quiver 5 and the adjoining 'muscles were horribly contorted, and one eye was 'actually opened. In the subsequent part of the pro- * cess, the right band was raised and CLENCHED, and the 4 legs and thighs were set in motion. * It appeared te the uninformed part of the by- * standers, as if the wretched man was on the eve of * being restored to life. This however was impossible, Vas several of his friends, who were near the scaffold, * had violently pulled his legs, in order to put a more * .speedy termination to his sufferings/ Vide the Morning Post of January 22, 1803- It is to be hoped, in case this Mr. Professor under- takes any future operations of this nature, that some more choleric dead man vv'ill not only clench his fist like And sure I am he'll break the peace, Unless secur'd by our police;- For such a chap, as you're alive, Full many a felon will revive. And as he can (no doubt of that) Give rogues the nine lives of a cat; Why then, to expiate their crimes, These rogues must all be hung nine times. What more enhances this offence is, 'Twill ninefold Government's expences ; And such a load, in name of wonder, Pray how can JOHNNY BULL stand under! Then why not rise, and make a clatter, And put a stop to all this matter Why don't you rouse, I say, in season, And cut the wicked wizard's weasand ! Forster, but convince him, by dint of pugilistic demon- stratton, that he is not to disturb with impunity those- who ought to be at ' rest front their labours** 65 For, Gentlemen^ the devil J s to pay. That you forsake the good old way, And tread a path, so very odd, So unlike that your fathers trod. With what delight the poet fancies He sees their Worships plague old FRANCIS; 4 * * 9 He sees their Worships plague old FRANCIS. Dr.pRANCis ANTHONY. The author of the Bio- graphia Britannica relates a pitiful tale respecting the persecutions suffered by this obstinate old schismatic. ' He was,' says that writer, * a very learned physician < and chemist, the son of an eminent goldsmith in Lon- * don. Was born April i6th, 1550. In 1569 he was * sent to the university of Cambridge ; in 1574 took the * degree of A. M. &c. &c. He began soon after his ar- * rival (in London) to publish to the world the effects 4 of his chemical studies. But not having taken the * necessary precaution of addressing himself to the Col- ' lege of Physicians for their license, he fell under their * displeasure j and being, some time in the year 1600 * summoned before the President and Censors, he con- * fessed that he had practised physic in London for six ' months, and bad cured twenty persons or mere of several * diseases.'" [A most atrocious crime! I trust very few, if any, of your Worships would be justified in confessing or pleading guilty to a similar indictment.] ' About one * month after he was committed to the Counter prison, 6 7 While he, sad wight, woe-worn and pale^ Is dragg'd about from jail to jail! * and fined in the sum of five pounds propter illlcitam * praxin that is, for prescribing against the statutes of * the College j but, upon his application to the Chief * Justice, he was set at liberty, which gave so great an ' umbrage, that the President and one of the Censors ( waited on the Chief Justice, to request his favour in * preserving the College privileges : upon which An- * thony submitted, and promised to pay his fine, and was forbidden practice'. He was soon after accused * again for practising physic, and upon his own con- * fession was fined another five pounds, which fine, on * his refusing to pay, was increased to twenty pounds, ' and he was sentenced to be committed to prison till he < had paid it. Nor was the College satisfied with this, but ' commenced a snit at law against him, in the name of ( the Queen and College, in which they prevailed, and * had judgment against him. It appears that the learn-, * ed Society thought him weak and ignorant 5 but there * were others of a different opinion, since, after all * these censures, and being tossed about from prison to < prison, he became Doctor of Physic in our own Uni- * versitiesP This is the substance of the proceedings of our An- cestors against that Arch-Heretic ; from which we learn the absolute necessity of a still more rigorous prosecu- tion of those disturbers of society, who have the impu- dence to cure their patients without YOUR LICENSE. F2 68 For he was such a stubborn dragon, He would not down and worship Dagon; That is to say, would not acknowledge Supremacy of your Great College ! And what was worse, if worse could be. And rais'd their ire to such degree, That they to Tyburn swore they'd cart him ; He cur'd folks c non secundum artem.' His patients sav^d, from mere compassion, Though killing was the most in fashion! Then well your fathers ire might burn as Hot as the fam'd Chaldean furnace! Thus, when the heretic Waldenses, With their co-working Albigenses, Found what they thought they might rely on, A nearer way to go to Zion, Had this old fellow been hung, or * burnt off,' as he de- served, the business would have been finished at once, and none would afterwards have dared ever to call in ^question your supremacy J 6 9 Those saints, who trod the beaten path. Were filPd so full of godly wrath, They burnt them off, nor thought it cruel, As one would burn a load of fuel ! These things I note, to bring to view Some noble precedents for you r The chapter needs not any comment ; Then pray don't hesitate a moment. But, hark! what means that moaning sound! That thunder rumbling under ground ! What mean those blue sulphureous flashes^ That make us all turn pale as ashes! Why in the air this dreadful drumming, As though the devil himself were coming,. Provoked by magical impostors, To carry off a Doctor Faustus !'. Why scream the bats ! why hoot the owls ! While Darwin's midnight bull-dog howls! 5 Say, what portends this mighty rumpus, To fright our senses out of compass ! Radcliffe's sullen sprite now rising, 5I To warn you by a sight surprising, More solemn than a curtain lecture, Or Monk-y Lewis' Spanish Spectre! & 50 Why scream the bats! why hoot the owls? While Darwin's midnight bull-dog howls ! A delectable imitation of Doctor Darwin's delightful pair of lines * Shrill scream the famished bats and shivering owls, * And long and loud the dog of midnight howls. To prevent any post obit disputes among those, who may hereafter peruse this sublime passage, I have thought it advisable to designate the species of the dog which howls so horribly on this important occasion. 51 'Tis RadcliffVs sullen sprite now rising. This shows Pluto to be a God of correct calculation. Had he sent one of your water-gruel ghosts, it is a thousand to one if your Worships would have paid the least deference to the mandates of his sooty highness. If the ghost of old Dr. RadclifFe, so famed in the annals of bullyism, and who is said to have killed only one British Queen (her successor Queen Ann, choosing rather to evade a similar fate, dispensed with his at- tendance), be not sufficient to rouse you at this mo- mentous crisis, your cause is lost for ever. Now, in a sort of moody mutter, These awful sounds I hear him utter, Which make my heart to beat and thwack it, And burst the buttons off my jacket! c 'Tis not-from motives of endearment ' That I have burst my marble cearmentj* 5 * Or Monk-y Lewis' Spanish Spectre ! I would have no impudent slanderer insinuate that I mean to bestow on the Right Honourable M. G. Lewis, M. P. any opprobrious epithet. No, gentlemen, I did not say Monkey. The term which I use is an adjective, legally coined from the substantive MONK j and I affix it to this Gentleman's name as an honorary appellation, to which he is entitled for having written that celebrated romance called * THE MONK/ As to the Spanish Spec- tre, you will please to consult the Romance aforesaid, and you will find a most horrible ballad, by which it appears that a certain Miss Imogene was carried off on her bridal night, if I mistake not, by the Ghost of one Don Alonzo, to whom she had been betrothed, but proved false-hearted. I would, however, caution against reading this doleful ditty by candle-light, lest the story of * The worms they crept in, and the worms they-crept 'out, ' And they sported his eyes and his temples about/ might sport with the senses of the more timid reader. * No ; Pm from Hades, in a hurry, ' To make above ground one d d flurry ! & ( Arm'd, as the dread occasion urges, ' With Ate's borrowed snakes and scourges^ 6 I come to rouse ye into action, To crush the Perkinising Faction. f Why stand ye now, with stupid stare> * Hen-hearted cowards, as you are ? < Arise! and quickly gird your might on, * And into battle then rush right on ! 53 To make above ground one d d flurry ! I earnestly request that the learned College will not do me the injustice to suppose that a man of my deli- cacy and refined feelings would myself utter any phrase, which has so much the semblance of profanity. But as this personage, before he passed that fatal * bourne' (from which one traveller' has e returned"') had ever been accustomed, like most of our profession, to rheto- rical flourishes of this kind, it must be expected that, on such an important occasion, he would express himself with all his wonted energy ; and my veracity as an his- torian obliges me to give verbatim the speech which the sprite did in fact deliver. 73 f Go ! teach Perkinians their errors, < In tampering with the King of Terrors? ( Go 1 teach the varlets to defy ( Our great and terrible Ally ! ' Don't say to me, you stupid dunces, ' That you're not fond of broken sconces; ' Don't say to me, you've no delight in ' The dreadful, awful, trade of fighting. ' For you might chace them many a mile, and 6 E'en bid them, scampering, quit our island, e And still your carcases be strangers ( To troublous toils, and desperate dangers. ( Appear in field, the battle's won ; * Your phizzes show L d how they'll run ! f But you're like sheep, a sort of cattle,. * That one can't well drive into battle. ' O could I but affairs contrive * To be far one half hour alive, f What thunder-bolts of indignation ' I'd hurl at imps of Tractoration! 74 f Til batter ye with Pluto's bludgeon,. ' Unless to battle you now budge on, ( And make more bluster with your train^ c Than devils in a hurricane! ' I'll drive ye down' but dawning day Bids bullying phantom hie away; While horror makes each hair stand steadfast',. Like quill of hedgehog in our head fast! So stood the PREMIER of our Nation, When ROBSON bawl'd out ' DEFALCATION! * Government's robb'd by wicked men, f And cannot pay nineteen pounds ten ! ! ! s* 54 And cannot pay nineteen pounds ten! ! ! The terrible shock given not only to Mr. A , but to the credit of the British nation, by this famous sally of that teasing, testy, querulous, alarming, honorable, cidevant member of the House of Commons, is un- doubtedly fresh in the recollection of every person, who has the least smattering in parliamentary debates : and every true patriot and friend to the Peace of our Prime Minister, will congratulate the country on the failure of Mr. Robson's election, as well as that of his co-operator, Mr. Jones, into the new parliament. 75 So petrified stood bull and bear, Of Stock Exchange, when the Lord Mayor r With vile chagrin and terror quaking, Found Hawkesbury's Letter all a take-in. 5 $ Now should you slight the dire monition Of this ill-boding apparition, You truly will be well deserving The dreadful destiny of starving! O then, dread Sirs, brimful of rage, War ! horrid war ! is yours to wage, To extirpate the deadly schism, The heresy of Perkinism ! 55 Found Hawkesbury's Letter all a take-in. Now I know the man who cobbled up the famous humbug Peace with France, which, in my opinion, was a manoeuvre that did honour to its inventor. Pie te- nants a garret adjacent to mine. But Dr. Caustic is an honourable man, and twice the 5000!. offered by the Stock Exchange, with the 500!. by the Lord Mayor, for his apprehension, would not tempt him to expose the neck of his friend to the noose of justice. This I premise that the Bow- street officers may not misapply their time and talents in any futile attempts to wheedle or extort the secret. 3 Pursue the steps that learned sage hath, The most redoubted Doctor HAYGARTH> Who erst o'er Perkins' sconce at Bath, Broke a whole gallypot of wrath! 56 55 Broke a whole gallypot of wrath. I beseech you, gentlemen, to suspend your impa- tience relative to this wonderful achievement, till you have soared through a few stanzas. In the mean time, however, I wish that this my favourite hero, and bur- then of my song, should stand high with your worships, and be the object of the humble admiration, not only of your honourable body, but of mankind in general 5 and I myself shall take the liberty to trample on all those, who dare call in question his infallibility. I have a knowledge of but tew, who more deserve to be trodden upon on this occasion than the conductors of certain foreign Literary Journals, who, not aware of the inconceivable services which Dr. H. has rendered the medical host by his ar- 'dent zeal against their common enemy, Perkinism, have expressed their sentiments of him, and his works, with that indifference, which must have arisen from their want of knowledge of his achievements. Among the most prominent of this junto should be mentioned ihzMedical Repository, at NewYork, conducted by professors Mitchell and Miller, of that place, the former of whom I understand is a senator in the Con- gress of the United States, an eminent physician, and the celebrated author of what is usually termed the * Mitchellian. Theory of Contagion/ alterations in the 77 Oh! could I sing Haygarth's chef d* oeuvre y That mighty magical manoeuvre, French Chemical Nomenclature, &c. The latter, I am told, is likewise a physician of great respectability. Now that two such characters should presume to re- present Dr. H. as a man, whose vanity is more conspi- * cuous than his ability, 1 is a circumstance which, while it excites my surprise, rouses my resentment. How- ever, to accomplish their disgrace and his renown, I shall concisely state his magnanimous conduct to them, and their ungracious return. Dr. H. in great condescension to the poor wretches of the United States, who, through the ignorance and, inexperience of their medical practitioners, were likely to- be extirpated by the Yellow Fever, addressed them in an affectionate letter, and proclaimed the barbarity and unskilful ness of their physicians, in a very appropriate and becoming manner. He even kindly apprised the Academy of Medicine, at Philadelphia, that their pro- ceedings and reasonings on the disease among them were * frivolous, inadequate, and groundless,' and communi- cated many other facts equally useful and important. Now, whether his statements were true or false, those foreigners ought to have been grateful to Dr. H. for honouring them with the information. But, on the contrary, they say that a poison, which, in the city of * New York, has destroyed, within three months, the 4 lives of more than twenty practitioners of medicine, * \vell deserves to be traced and understood by the sur- vivors." 1 They even ,ha,ve the audacity to assert, that 78 That feat, than which, you'll own,, if candid,, None greater ever mortal man did ! * American Physicians and Philosophers who have view* < ed the nse and progress of pestilence $ walked amidst 1 it by day and by night, year after year ; and endured * its violence on their own persons, almost to the ex- ' tinction of their lives," ought to be as competent judges of the cause and cure of the disease as Dr. Hay- garth, who has never seen a case of it. After entering into a copious, (about 20 pages) and what they seem to think a learned, investigation of my great friend's theory and sentiments, they have dared to refute his reasoning, and turn it to ridicule. These presumptuous writers finally close their unrea- sonable account of Dr.Haygarth in quotations from Dr. Caldwell, who, it appears, is a Fellow of the College of Physicians of Philadelphia, and a very ungentleman-like Jello'-w too, for he has also had the rashness to descant on some of the works of Dr. Haygarth in terms fol- lowing. ' Perhaps he (Dr, Haygarth) may found the boldness 4 of his pretensions as an author on the maturity of his * years. Many writers less youthful are more modest ; * and it is to be lamented that grey hairs give no in- * fallible earnest of either wisdom or liberality. We * will not positively assert that he is not a man of pro- ' found erudition, but we have no reason whatever to ' convince us that he is. Perhaps he may pride himself * on being a native of the same country which produced 4 a Harvey, a Sydsnbain, a Cullen, -and a Hunter. We 79 But ere I f sweep the sounding lyre/ "Or tune Apollo's fiddle higher, I'll steal (although it cost a halter) A brand from Delia Crusca's altar. ( O THOU !' who soard'st to heights sublimer Than e'er before attaiivd by rhymer; Till even my good friend Apollo At distance gaz'd, but dar'd not follow. ' GENIUS, or MUSE/ who tiadst propensity To seem to strive to stretch immensity; Whose ' airy laysj quoth Bell's fraternity, Would last through more than one eternity; (Although it seemSj the deuce is in% Those very lays are out of print ! A proof this age does not inherit One ounce of true poetic spirit !) * intreat him to remember, that weeds may infest the ' same ground which has been over-shadowed by the * lordly Adansonia, and that the same clime gives birth ' to the lion and the jackal.' Medical Repository, vol. v. p. 333- Oh, fie! fiel! O come, and bring (delightful things) A pair of Delia Cruscan wings, That we, by sublimated flight, May ( STEM THE CATARACT OP LIGHT.* Then condescend to be my crony, And guide my wild Parnassian pony, Till our aerial cutter runs 57 Athwart ' A WILDERNESS OF SUNS !' & 37 Till our aerial cutter runs. My mode of commencing an airy tour, mounted, Muse and Co. on a poetical pony, which by the way is metamorphosed into a cutter, may, perhaps, be objected to by your fastidious critics, as a liberty even beyond a poet's licentiousness. But there is nothing which we Men of Genius more thoroughly detest, than any attempt to fetter our faculties with the frigid rules of criticism. Besides, sense or nonsense, poetry or gingling^ it is perfect- ly Delia Cruscan. 58 WILDERNESS OF SUNS! This * proud' passage, together with ' O THOU!' ' GENIUS or MUSE P and ' CATARACT OF LIGHT \" are the legitimate offspring of that Prince of Poets, who rose to such a towering pitch of poetry, That oft Hibernian opticks bright Belxld him fairly out of sight! Si But Gifford comes, with why and wherefore j 5 * And what the devil are you there for ? I should have been happy to have fascinated your Wor- ships with further specimens of the same sort of subli- mity, could I have retained them in memory. 1 have been so solicitous for your gratification in this particu- lar, that I have made a painful, though bootless search, throughout the Metropolis and its suburbs, for these more than sybiline oracles. Indeed I have reason to fear that all Delia Crusca's effusions are irretrievably lost, except the few fragments I have here pickled for the behoof of posterity. 5J> But Gifford comes, with why and wherefore. The admirers of your polite poetry can never suffici- ently anathematize the author of the ' Baviad and M&- You, who don't value being hung. I trust, gentlemen, you will not startle at my sup- posing a willingness among some of your honourable body to submit to this operation. You must believe enough of predestination to know that a -man who is born to be hung can never be drownM j and a little se- rious consideration will therefore shew that, as the ejvent must happen, it might as well be submitted to first as last, 88 But still I have some hesitation To recommend assassination ; Although I'm sure that you would do well, To pop off Perkins in a DUEL. For this you've precedents quite ample, Full many a glorious example, From Goths and Vandals, out of temper, or A certain crazy Russian Emperor. 63 For if the Conjuror were shot dead, By a rude harum-scarum hot-head ; Then might we quickly crush the flummery Of Tract'ring mischief-making mummery. 63 A certain crazy Russian Emperor. Czar Paul, Emperor of all the Russias, &c. who had" a very benevolent desire to settle the disputes, which' agitated Europe, by virtue of tilt and tournament, among those potentates, whose quarrelsome disposi- tions so often set their subjects by the ears. Had such combats taken place, I am positive that our George would have given the Russian bully a most tremendous threshing. Perkins destroyed, the INSTITUTION Will be o'erwhelm'd in dire confusion; And we shall easily be able To overturn this modern Babel. So, if a wolf should silent creep T' attack, by night, a flock of sheep, He would not "tempt the whole together, But first invade the old bell-wether. ^ Let not the thought of Jack Ketch scare ye, But at him, like brave Mac Namara, C4 But first invade the old bell-wether. This sublime simile, gentlemen, will meet the un- equivocal approbation of those, who are acquainted with the rustic manners and natural history of Kamtchatka. The leading wether of a flock of sheep is ever invested with a bell, pendent from his neck by a collar, not only as an honorary badge of distinction, but for the pur- pose of alarming the shepherd, in case of invasion by any of the merciless tenants of the forests. The wolf always makes it his first object to silence this jingler, that/ he may with the greater impunity destroy his fleecy companions, 90 Avenge our wrongs in mode as summary As he adopted with Montgomery. For if said Mac be crown'd with laurel, Who kiird a Colonel, in a quarrel, About two dogs, between two puppies, Most mighty Sirs, my trust and hope is, That nobody will think it is hard For us to shoot a conjuring wizard, Since all allow, sans hesitation, That we've received vast provocation. And if our champion's full of fury, When he kills Perkins, then the Jury, (Provided they are made to fit him) Will most assuredly acquit him. 65 6 ^ Will most assuredly acquit him. Why not, as well as acquit Capt. Mac, who evaded all harm, in consequence of his not permitting the 4 sun to go down on his wrath.* Mr. Justice Grose, however, appears to me to have proved himself to have And when the foe is sent to Our champion, among the ladies, Will be a favourite, for they want A bully always as gallant. 66 been a very gross justice, in telling the jury that the Jaw does not recognize certain nice distinctions which are adopted by men of honour. If, however, his assertion be true, it is proper that there should be an Act of Parliament passed immediately, giving us GEN- TLEMEN the privilege of killing each other, which would save government the expence of hemp, hang- men, Sec. 66 A bully always as gallant. The ladies will not suppose that I mean any reflec- tion on the beautiful part of creation, for they very well .know that none but the BRAVE deserve the fair/ CANTO IIL MANIFESTO. ARGUMENT. The Poet now, with Discord's clarion, Preludes the war we mean to carry on j And sends abroad a PROCLAMATION Against Perkinean conjuration ; Proves that we ought to hang the Tractors- On gibbet high, like malefactors, And with them that pestiferous corps, Who keep alive the paltry Poor j By reasons sound, as e'er were taken. From Aristotle, Locke, or Bacon. IJUT if you cannot find some one, As bold as Attila the Hunn, T' attack the conjuring tractoring noddy, And fairly bore him through the body; Collect a host of our profession, With all their weapons in possession; And vi et armis 9 then we'll push on, And crush Perkinean Institution. 94 But first, in flaming MANIFESTO, (To let John Bull and all the rest know, Why we should on these fellows trample, And make the rogues a sad example) Say to the public all you can say, Of magic spells, and necromancy; That Perkins and his crew are wizards, Conceal'd in sanctimonious vizards. Say to the public all you can say, Of wonder-working power of fancy : Tell what imagination's force is In crows and infants, dogs and horses : (y i 67 In crows and infants, dogs and horses. These are among the patients whose cures are attested in Perkins's publication, in which he has introduced them to show that his Tractors do not cure by an in- fluence on the imagination. The fallacy of any deduc- tions, drawn from such cases, in favour of the Tractors, will be apparent from the following most learned and elaborate investigation of the subject. There are no animals in existence, I shall incontes- tably prove, that are more susceptible of impressions from imagination^ than those abovementioned. 95 Tell how their minds but here you old men May trust the younkers under Coleman; 6a To begin with the crow. Strong mental faculties ever indicate a vivid imagination 5 and what being, ex- cept Minerva's beauty the owl, is more renowned for such faculties, than the crow ? Who does not know that he will smell gun-powder three miles, if it be in a gun, and he imagine it be intended for his destruction? These emblems of sagacity, besides c fetching and carrying like a spaniel,* and talking, as well or better than Colonel Kelly's parrot, (which by the bye I suspect to have been a crow) are, as Edwards assures us in his ' Natural History S the planters of all sorts of wood and trees/ * I observed,' says he, ' a great quantity of crows very * busy at their work. I went out of my way on purpose * to view their labour, and I found they were planting a ' grove of oaks.' Vol. V. Pref. xxxv. These geniuses always can tell, and always have told, since the days of Virgil, the approach of rain. That poet says, ' Turn Comix plena pluviam vocat improba voce,* They can likewise tell when bad news is coming, as we learn from the same writer, 4 Saspe sinistra cava prsedixit ab ilice CornixS Now I beg leave to know what mortal can do more ? and to suppose a crow not blessed with those more bril- liant parts, under which imagination is classed, is to do For graduates at horses' college, Most certainly are men of knowledge ! them a singular injustice, which I shall certainly resent on every occasion. Now as to infants. Whoever has been in the way of an acquaintance with some of the more musical sort of these little gentry, (like my seven last darlings for in- stance) and has been serenaded with the dulcet sonatas of their warbling strains, will not be disposed to deny their powers on the imagination of others. I have known the delusion practised so effectually by these young con. jurors, that I have myself imagined my head was actually aching most violently, even on the point of cracking open j but on going beyond the reach of their magic spell, that is, out of hearing, my head has been as free from pain as it necessarily must be at this moment while I am penning this lucid performance. Now I maintain it to be most unphilosophical, and totally opposite to certain new principles in ethics, which I shall establish in a future publication, to suppose that infants should be able to impart either pleasure or pain, by operating on the imagination, and not themselves possess a large share of that imagination, by the aid of which they ope- rate to so much effect upon others. Next come dogs. Dr. Shaw, in his c Zoology,* Vol. I, p. 289, informs us, ' that a dog belonging to a noble- * man of the Medici family, always attended his master's ' table, changed the plates for him, carried him his wine * in a glass placed on a salver, without spilling the small- * ejt drop.' The celebrated Leibnitz mentions another- 97 That though imagination cures, With aid of pair of patent skewers, -subject of the Elector of Saxony, who could discourse in an ' intelligible manner,' especially on ' tea, coffee, and chocolate;' whether in Greek, Latin, German, or Eng- lish, however, he has not stated; but Dr. Shaw, allud- ing to the same dog, says, undoubtedly under the in- fluence of prejudice, ( he was somewhat of a truant, and ' did not willingly exert his talents, being rather pressed * into the service of literature.' Indeed our greatest naturalists a.ssure us, that this animal is far before the human species in every ennobling quality. Buffon makes man a very devil compared with the dog 5 and had he come directly to the point, I pre- sume he would have told us that the dog is one link above man in the great chain from the fossil to the angel. Without the dog/ says Buffon, * how could man have * been able to tame and reduce other animals into sla- * very ? To preserve his. own : safety, it was neces- * sary to make friends among those animals whom he ' found capable of attachment. The fruit of associating * ivitb the dog was the conquest and the peaceable posses- * sion of 'the earth. The dog will always preserve his * empire. He reigns at the head of a flock, and makes * himself better understood than tl>e voice of the shep- * herd,' (well he might, for it appears he is more know- ing, more powerful, and more just). . ' Safety, order, * and discipline, are the fruits ..of his vigilance and ac- tivity. They are a people submitted to his manage- H 98 Still such relief cannot be real, For pain itself is all ideal ^ * ment, whom he conducts and protects, and against * whom he never employs force but for the preserva- * tion of peace and good order/ BARR'S BUFFON, Vol. V. p. 30*. It is to me somewhat remarkable that theorizing Frenchmen, many of whose discoveries are scarcely less important than my own, cannot make them apply, in such a manner, as to effect some practical good in society. Buffbn discovered that a dog was a species of demi-god, and appears on the point of worshipping this great Anubis of the Egyptians. Voltaire tells us, that French- men are half monkey and half tiger, and every body knows that the one is insufferably mischievous, and the other infinitely ferocious. Now it is surprising that these philosophers could not contrive to improve the breed by a little of the canine blood. Indeed I should advise them to import some of our Bond Street male puppies, to be paired with French female monkies, and I will venture to assert there will be very little of the tiger perceivable in their offspring. And since a dog, as Buffon says, ' reigns with so much dignity, ' at the * head of a flock, will always preserve his empire, never * employs Jorce but for tke preservation of peace and good * orderj and is endowed with so many other great qua- lifications, which seem to denote him to be a proper personage to wield the sceptre of dominion, I would se- riously advise the Abbe Sieyes, when he frames his 999^ 99 Say that friend Davy, when he was Inspired with his oraculous gas, constitution for the free French Republic, {which it is said he has already begun to manufacture), so to orga- nize the Executive branch, that at least one of the Consuls should be a true blooded English Bull-dog. After the ample proof I have now given of the infi- nite superiority of the dog to man, when his merits are fairly estimated, which it is very difficult for us, being interested, to do without prejudice, I shall take it for granted that he must possess all the brilliancy even of a poet's imagination, and therefore that he is far more likely to be cured by imagination than any man. It remains now to speak of horses, and these, (not to mention the Bucephalus of Alexander, or the Pegasus of Doctor Caustic) I shall show, in a very few words, can boast of performances and qualifications, to which a lively fancy in the comparison is but as the wit of an oyster to the wisdom of a philosopher. One of the most scientific nations that ever existed, renowned alike for its refinements in the arts, and prowess in war, has beeu compelled to yield the palm to the superior attainments of a horse, and acknowledge its inability to achieve what he most readily effected. Ten long years was the whole power of Greece engaged in an 'ineffectual siege of far-famed Troy. The bravest of armies, commanded by heroes allied to the gods, assailed the foe in vain. At this disheartening period stepped forth a wooden horse, and promised a victory, provided his plans were Ha IOO ) I Utter'd this solemn truth, that nought E'er had existence, only thought /? adopted. Aware of the horse's great capacity, which enabled him to comprehend a great number of subjects, the sagacious Greeks entered into his measures, and Troy was levelled in the dust. If all this could have been accomplished by a wooden horse, none but a Perkinite will be so absurd as to pre- tend that one composed of flesh and blood, like man, does ftot enjoy far greater privileges, among which are those 6f receiving as many cures by the influence of imagina- tion as he pleases. Now then, gentlemen, I trust that if any man will con over, digest, comprehend, and admit this my inge- nious and learned exposition of the fallacy of the argu- ments in favour of the Tractors, so much harped upon by our adversaries, which are drawn from the circum- stance of their having cured crows and infants, dogs and horses, he vvill with great facility be enabled to con- found and overthrow them on all occasions, provided Jie enforce and proclaim it with the ardency its im- portance deserves. 68 May trust the younkers under Coleman. Search the field of science, and you will not find la- bourers more in want of employment than the above gentry. For so prolific is this Alma Mater in qualifying the rising generation of veterinaries, that tl'iree months looking on, and twenty guineas fee to the ingenious pro- 101 What though they say, why to be sure, If we by Fancy's aid can cure ; fessor, will convert the veriest dunce into a veterinary of the first water, to the no small discomfiture of every farrier within many miles of his range. But I would by no means recommend your trusting to the Professor himself for any aid in this business. No, he has no interest in the affair. Let the Tractors cure all the infirm horses in England, and what cares the professor ? Why he has only to put up his petition, as he has done already several times, under the dome of 8t\ Stephen's, and all wants are satisfied. Fifteen hun- dred a year, besides cheese-parings to twice the amount, are no inconsiderable matters in the estimation of a garrete-r like Doctor Caustic. Were Parliament to re- ward me for my discoveries and labours, for the good of the human, in proportion to their munificence to the Professor for his services to the caballine race, I should have had a dozen Dukedoms, and the Clerkship of the Pells, which was lately given, by his $ruon that comes to hand, 127 The most insidious things in nature, Will e'en bewitch the operator ! 8 ? 87 Will e'en bewitch the operator. No part of the learned Doctor's management, in the Anti-Perkinistic cause, merits higher Eulogy than his most rational explanation of that most irrctional practice. So cogently does an innate principle of equity control me, that I am absolutely coerced to offer, at the shrine of the heroic Doctor, my tributary dole of the incense of admi- ration, for having presented our profession such a power- ful knock-me-down argument, wherewith to buffet the common enemy. The sagacious Doctor having published a scientific Treatise against the Tractors, demonstrating that ' they act on the patient's imagination/ Perkins came out in reply, with all the fury of an Irish Rebel, and declared that the Doctor deserved to be trounced for not suffer- ing his readers to know, that the Tractors pretended to cure infants and brute animals, though numerous cases to that effect had then been published j and in that reply proclaimed that Dr. H. purposely endeavoured to sup- press such facts, that he might, with greater facility, induce the public to swallow the deductions drawn from his magical manoeuvres in the Bath and Bristol hospitals.- Now, admitting the Doctor managed in this way, I am sure he was perfectly right in so doing. The end in. view, according to established principles of modern rno-* rality, will ever justify the means taken to accomplish that end. In this case, the e^d in view was most iin- 128 Will break down reason's feeble fences, And play the deuce with our five senses ! portant nothing less than the downfall of Perkinism, and the consequent aggrandisement of our profession. Should any of our opponents be so captious as to assert, that such principles and such motives of action should not he encouraged in society that they have a most perni- cious tendency, and other nonsense of that sort, I must take the liberty to refer them to the First Consul of the French Republic, whose conduct has ever been modelled according to the principles above stated, and who is cer- tainly the most powerful Logician of the age, perfectly able to confound those who shut their eyes against the light of conviction. But to revert to the Doctor's Treatise, and Perkins's impudent replication. The man who could raise the very old Gentleman himself, by the legitimate powers of necromancy, was not so easily defeated. According- ly he returns to the charge in another edition admits the existence of the numerous cases on infants, horses, &c. but lays them all level with the following unanswer- able argument. * The proselytes of Perkinism having 4 been driven from every ether argument, have, as a 4 last resource, alledged that the Patent Metallic Trac- tors have removed the disorders of infants and horses. 4 Even this flimsy pretence is capable of a satisfactory re- futation. In these cases it is not the Patient, but the '''.Observer, who is deceived by his own imagination! ! !' Book, page 4-0. Mirabik J)]tctnl . 139 And act a part, so very scurvy, They turn a man's brains topsy turvy ! Will so bewilder and astound one, They make a lame horse seem a sound one ! Appear 9 with but three legs to wag on, A Pegasus, or flying dragon ! ! Then quote his lady's ECCHYMGSIS, 88 Which rose an inch from where her nose is; 88 Then quote his lady's ECCHYMOSIS. The celebrated story of the lady's ecchymosis comes handed down to your Worships by five successive re- porters. The lady incog, who makes so conspicuous a figure in Dr. Kaygarth's narration, told another lady, who told a Medical Friend of Dr. H. who told Dr. H. who told Dr. Caustic, who tells your Worships this im* portant anecdote. Now as * in the multitude of coun- sellors there is safety ,' so in a multitude of reporters there is certainty. But to the story, which I shall give in the language of Dr. H.'s medical friend afore- said. * A lady informed me that a lady of her acquaintance, who had great faith in the efficacy of the Tractors, on * seeing a small eccbymosis, about the size of a silver pemy, at the corner of the eye, desired to try on it the effect K And was not bigger much, if any, He states, than puny silver penny.* * of her favourite remedy. The lady, who was intended * to be the subject of the trial, consented, and the other ' lady produced the instruments, and after drawing them * four or five times over the spot declared, that it chang- * ed to a paler colour j and on repeating the use of them * a few minutes longer, that it had almost vanished, and was scarcely visible, and departed in high triumph at her success. I was assured by the lady, who under- ' went the operation, that she looked in the glass im- * mediately after, and that not the least visible altera- tion had taken place ! T (From Haygartfrs Book, -page 40.) I had determined to exert my influence in all our Medical societies, that the above .case be read at the opening of each meeting, until there should not be left of the Tractors, in this island, ' a wreck behind.' But a far better plan of Dr. H. himself has precluded the ne- cessity of this measure, which, was to announce in all the advertisements of his book in the public papers, that * it explains why the disorders of infants and horses are c said to have been cured by the Tractors/ (See his daily advertisements in the papers.) Indeed, I am at a loss which to admire most, the pretty fanciful relation above cited, which is all the new- edition of the Doctor's Treatise against the Tractors contains, to justify the assertion in the advertisements before mentioned, or his singular skill in constructing such a fabric on this foundation. Did I possess ths *Twas then assail'd, with courage hearty, By juggling wench of Perkins* party, And soon, to her beconjur'd eyes, It seem'd a thousandth part its size. 4 And now,' quoth she, c I scarce can view It, ' These Tractors are the things that do it; 4 Oh la! T vow, it's taken flight, ' And vanish'd fairly out of sight ! !' taknts of the Doctor in the advertising department, I should announce this my pithy performance to the pub- lic, by publishing in all the papers, that the price of the Tractors was, in consequence of Dr. Caustic's opposi- tion, fallen to the price of old iron, and Perkiris' pamph- lets, having been proscribed by physicians, were con- demned, and actually burnt by the hangman, on execu- tion-day, at the Did Bailey, in the presence of every individual of the College of Physicians, and half the citizens of London. I would beg leave to add to this incomparable Hayi garthian demonstration an argument of my own, which I think is not less powerful. It is impossible that thest Tractors should perform any real cure, as they act solely on the Imagination either of the patient or the ops- rator. But cures performed by the power of imagina- tion must be imaginary cures, that is, no cures at all, K 2 But Madam Hoaxh6x, in her glass, Beholding what it truly was, Exclaim'd, ' My last new wig I'll burn up^ If 'tis not bigger than a turnip ! ! !' In public papers, more's his glory, The Doctor advertized this story; And you'll confound the tractoring folks By Haygarth's tale of Lady Hoax. ^ ** By Haygarth's tale of Lady Hoax. It .is not true, as some sagacious Coffee-house poli- ticians have asserted, that Madam Hoax (or more cor- rectly double Hoax) is the wife of a Chinese Mandarin, settled on the Mountains of the Moon, in Abyssinia, for the purpose of ascertaining the influence of imagina- tion in the cure of diseases. No, Gentlemen, she is a Baroness of true English breed, more sturdy than a Se- miramis, aPenthesilea, or a Joan of Arc, and will prove, in our .cause, a championess of pre-eminent prowess. Should your Worships wish for further acquaintance with this lady, which in my opinion would be for your mutual advantage, you will take the trouble to inquire at my garret, No. 299, Dyot Street, St. Giles's, (having removed from my former place of residence, third floor, 327, Grub Street, with a view of being nearer my friend, Sir Joseph, in Soho Square), and her address shall be at your service. Tell one more tale, from ancient sages> About the wondrous chain of ages, I am now preparing a most awful Tragedy for Druiy Lane Theatre (Mr. Sheridan's approbation being already obtained), to be ' intitled and called* the * DREADFUL DOWNFALL OF TERRIBLE TRACTORISING CON- FOUNDED CONJURATION j* in which I propose to in- troduce a New Song, that I have no doubt will be so ce- lebrated as to be the theme of every ballad-singer in the metropolis. I cannot forbear anticipating some small share of that applause, which I have reason to suppose will be piled on Dr. Caustic, as soon as he is publicly known, as the Author of such an inimitable production, by obliging your Worships with a fart of the chorus to the song aforesaid. Come now let us coax Haygarth and Dame Hoax, Like true hearts of oaks, To crack off their jokes, While dreading their strokes, Those sheep -hearted folks, The tractoring Perkinites, quiver $ O may they with knocks, * And shivering shocks,' Pound their jackets and frocks, Till dead as horse-blocks, ( O what a sad box ! ) They're thrown in the docks, i Or, just like dead cats, in the river) 134 Gold,, silver, brass, but not a link, Compos'd of copper, or of zinc. That, as it ever was the curse Of man to go from bad to worse, This age (the thought might e'en distract us) Is that of vile Metallic Tractors ! That your last sixpence you will bet all, Ages will follow of worse metal, Unless this wickedness you stop, To sweepings of a black-smith's shop! Say that the devil never fails 90 To eat a tiger, stufFd with nails; This song is to be set to Music by Mr. Kelly, in bis very best stile of pathos, sublimity, and crotchets, and to be delightfully demi-semi-quavered to the admiring audience by Mrs. Biliington. Then, if Box, Pit, and Gallery, should not, una f a certain Doctor of Mangel Wurzel memory, tell us that ' The importance of a * man to himself was never more conspicuous than in * this publication. Dr. Lettsom admits that he has been * anticipated by several distinguished authors, but mo- *-destly hints that some of his particular friends will * form no opinion (respecting the cow-pox) till they have * ascertained &> sentiments.* They then have the au- dacity to declare, that ' he merits no slight punishment * for his pompous inflated language, for his fulsome * flattery, and ridiculous exaggeration of every part of * the subject/ See how they speak of a late publication of the Doc- tor on certain charitable Institutions ' Unless to con- * nect these different Institutions, to lead .the different radii to a centre, while that centre is the Author and * the Editor^ who<:an boast, Qua ipse miserrima contains, At least, a thimble full of brains ! subjects discussed in the book, among which subjects, is the following, * Imposture of the Metallic Tractors,' page 277!! But this, as before intimated, was quite sufficient for a gentleman of such scientific pre-eminence. Why should he trouble himself to search for reasons, when he is sure to be believed ( within the periphery of * his associates,' although he has no reasons to give ? I must here be indulged in adducing an instructive dialogue, which actually took place, not many weeks since, between a renowned Physician, of the name of Dr. LEATHERHEAD, and a gentleman, who was no phy- sician at all, whom I shall call Mr. ROWLAND. Mr. ROWLAND. What is your opinion, Dr. Leather- head, of the Metallic Tractors ? Dr. LEATHERHEAD. Why I'll tell thee, friend Row- land ; I think them as gross an imposition as ever wa* attempted. Mr. R. But, Doctor, have you read the different cases which have been published ? Can you believe that such characters would give their names to false state- ments ? Dr. L. These Tractors, thee may be assured, friend R. never performed a cure in the world. 'Tis all trash all nonsense all imaginationand none but fools and knaves are among their supporters. Mr. R. How has Perkins become possessed of the cases he has published ? Come on, with lion heart, like Hector^ And phiz resembling monkey's spectre; Dr. L, Oh ! that I can tell thee, very easily, friend R . Has thee never heard of Dr. Godbold ? Mr. R. Certainly. Dr. L. Well, as he could neither read nor write, he kept two men in constant employ, one to write his cases, and one to swear to them. Sometimes, to be sure, a few guineas were scattered about- Strange things these guineas are,, friend R. ha? Now, friend R. can thee any longer query how Perkins comes by his cases ? ha I ha! ha! Mr. R. Have you ever seen, Doctor, any of the pub- lications of Mr. Perkins ? Dr. L. Not I, truly. Knowing they could contain nothing but lies, I should have been- but ill employed hi poring over such trash. Mr. R. Did you ever see the Tractors ? Dr. L. No, nor ever wish to see them j they are Mr. R. (raising bis voice, and taking a set of the Traetors from his pocket) Hear me, Sir ! Can you pre- tend to any credit as an honest Physician, as a man of humanity, when sordid self-interest and disgraceful pre- judice impel you to shut your eyes against investiga- tion, lest conviction should follow ? I am ashamed of your conduct. The facts in favour of the Metallic Practice are supported by testimony as honourable and disinterested as England can produce. Your hint that they are forgeries, or that they have been purchased, implies a supposition of depravity among men, which, 152 Prepare the batteries of thy Journal, I02 To blast with infamy eternal. let me tell you, Sir, reflects not very favourably on the virtue of the source whence the idea originated. With this set of Tractors (holding them out to view) I have cured above thirty indigent poor, and not by the power of imagination, but by the power of the 'Tractors. Dr. L. (In a tone of wonderful complacency and hu- mility) Really, friend R,, what thee says gives me great satisfaction. I always knew thee to be a very sensible man, and the information that thee approves of the Me- tallic Tractors entirely changes my opinion of them. Before thee took them out of thy pocket, I thought thee bad no belief in them. They certainly must be a very pleasant remedy, and incapable of doing harm ; and, as for myself, I am such a friend to humanity, I shall ever be ready to stand forward in support of every thing which can benefit the public. It really does my heart good to hear of the services the Tractors are now doing my poor afflicted fellow creatures, for whom my bowels have so often yearned. I am sure I shall be one of the greatest friends of Perkinisim in England j so farewell friend R. (Exit Dr. L. as pale as ashes.) In this dialogue I think there is great instruction. In case any of our Olivers chance to meet with a Row- land, and are involved in difficulties like those which threatened 'this champion, they may here learn the true way of becoming * all things to all men/ and sneak out of the scrape to very little disadvantage : for though I would by no means advise a retreat, where there is the least Jn medical Societies pour Forth att thy wonted learned lore : chance of success in fighting (which chance did not exist in this case, for Rowland was preparing himself to give Leatherhead a most terrible threshing, had he not yield- ed) still, c He who fights, and runs away, * May live to fight another day j' and the Doctor escaping with a whole skin is now left alive and mighty to assail the supporters of Perkinism in a more cautious, but not less decisive manner. IOZ Prepare the batteries of thy Journal. Here I can, with certainty, calculate on the most powerful co-operation. This , what shall I call it ? This Official Gazette of the Profession this Medico- Chemico-Cwwro- Repository, for the effusions of self- puffers, prescribing rules arid recipes, * How best to fill his purse, and thin the town ;* this powerful instrument of offensive and defensive war- fare has ever, with becoming vigilance, guarded its post against Perkinean Invaders, and suffered no occasion? to pass, without a squirt of the Gallic Acid of Satire, when there was deemed a possibility of blackening the common enemy. I can never sufficiently express my approbation of the Carthaginian cunning, with which this Journal has been 154 Tell the vile deeds by quackery done, By every nostrum, save thine own. 103 conducted. Dr. B. professing great impartiality, in an early number (see vol. ii. p. 85) invited communica- tions on the subject of the Tractors. Subsequent ma- nagement evidently showed a slight omission in the Doctor's notice, and that he meant communications on one side onlyi for he has omitted no pains to procure and publish whatsoever could be suggested against the Trac- tors : but, though reports of cases in their favour, and all the publications of the Patentee have been before him, not a syllable of these was ever noticed by that gen- tleman ; neither has it ever appeared by his Journal that such facts ever existed ! 103 By every nostrum, save thine own. I appeal to any of my brethren, who have been gra- tified, as I often have been, with the Demosthenes-like torrent, which has been so frequently poured forth, in. our Medical Societies, by this ' Child and Champion' of the Galenical Throng, against quackery, and all its appurtenances, whether it were fair to surmise, as some unconscionable rogues have done, that Dr. B. has abso- lutely himself become the proprietor of a quack medicine. The fire cf eloquence, with which Perkinism, that most atrocious kind of quackery, has been so frequently, and so effectually assailed by the learned Doctor, at the Me- dical Society at Guys, the Lyceum Medico Londonen- sis, &c. &c. &c. ought to have insured Dr. B. so much of the gratitude of the Profession, that, although he For thou didst play the hero rarely, At Westminster, when routed fairly; should himself choose to become one of the arrantest quacks in the kingdom, he might depend on your sup- port of his reputation, and your exertions to uphold him. No subsequent apostasy on his part, I maintain, will justify a dereliction of him. Recall to your recollection, Gentlemen, the denun- ciations he has so often made against every medical practitioner, who should presume, either directly or in- directly, to offer any patronage to remedies, which bore even the most distant resemblance to a nostrum. How often have the walls of the Medical Theatres of Saint Thomas' Hospital, and Windmill Street, echoed loud responses to his declamations against the varlets, who should dare to recommend means, in the profits of the consumption of which the whole profession could not participate ? How often have you received his invita- tions to send him your effusions and declamations against quackery, to receive an efficient publication in his Jour- nal, and what number of that Journal has appeared, without performing his promise, by honouring those effusions with a place in its immortal pages ? Lest even these most important considerations should still find you inexorable, I trust I can show, by ex- amining his conduct in regard to the quack medicine in question, that, if it be not praise-worthy, it is, at least, defensible. The title of the nostrum, which has had the assistance of Dr. B. in being introduced to the notice of a grateful Thy genius shew'd such vast resources, 'Gainst Belgraves > Colquhouns, Wilberforces ! I04 public is A NEW MEDICINE FOR THE GOUT.' The pretended discoverer of this specific is, for very com- mendable, or, which is the same thing, very prudent rea- sons, kept behind the curtain. I wish, however, to express my utter disbelief that either Dr. Brodum or Dr. Solomon is the happy mortal, however similar the stile of the pamphlet, announcing this New Medicine, may be to their erudite writings, and the pretensions of the said medicine to Balms of Gilead' and to ' Nervous Cordials.' That neither of these Gentlemen is the per- son at present incog, who invented Dr. B's new nostrum aforesaid, appears to me evident for three substantial reasons. i. Drs. Brodum and Solomon have never shrunk from a free exposure of their names, or evinced an in- clination to enjoy the emoluments of empiricism, with- out openly and boldly coming forward to endure the stigma, which is ever its inseparable companion. 2. They have never declined the public sale of their nostrums in the shops, nor pretended to offer it to the public without a remuneration ; whereas, in the present instance, the nostrum is not sold at all in the shops, but Is most generously given away, even two or three spoons- full at a time, by Dr. Bradley, to any person, who will call on him for advice, and leave with him a guinea for that advice. 3. Those two gentlemen , also, have never, honour- ably and honestly > saved the commissioners of the Stamp Though hunted down, thou wouldst not yield j Though trodden on, didst keep the field; Office the trouble of collecting a revenue for govern- ment, from the consumption of their quack medi- cines, as none can be collected on that which is given away. But why do I labour to prove that, which would be of no moment, were the reverse of my opinion found to be the fact, and that the medicine were in reality evea the joint property of that powerful trio, Brodum, Brad- ley, and Solomon, when I have a most conclusive and honourable document in favour of Dr. Bradley's honour- able and consistent conduct. This is no other than his Letter to the unknown proprietor of this Blessing to the human race. Unfortunately for the edification of your learned body, my limits will not allow of the insertioa of the whole of that precious communication ; you will* therefore, please to treasure up more eagerly the short extract I shall make* The letter begins with a * Sir/ which scarcely leaves a doubt that the happy mortal in question is not Mrs. Williams, the conjuress. As I approved of the manner in which you com- * menced your trials of the virtues and efficacy of your ' gout medicine, I can have no objection to giving an < opinion on the subject.' Now could any thing have been more proper ? Pro- vided Dr. Bradley * approved"* of the composition being kept a secret, however disposed he may be to trample &pon the Metallic Tractors on that very account, he 158 Thus Wifherington^ in doleful dumps. For lack of legs^ fought stout on stumps! had an undoubted right to express himself accordingly. I have another incontestible proof of the Doctor's /- comprehensible wisdom and discretion. He has ascertain- ed that this internal medicine, though powerful, ' is safe * and innocent,' which peculiar virtue is not possessed by any other internal medicine that ever was, and, I fear, ever will be discovered again , unless Dr. B, tries his skill a second time. ' This point,' says the Doctor, ' I as- * certained on first receiving a supply of it from you, by * taking it myself, and also by administering it to pa- * tients labouring under acute rheumatism (so now the gout medicine will cure other diseases !) in which cases * it always relieved pain, without producing any dis- 4 agreeable effect on the constitution ! ! !' But go on : * In acutely inflammatory and painful attacks of the ' gout, I have never seen it fail to produce the desired * effect/ (Vid. page 57.) Euge ! Euge ! Great Doctor Bradley ! Let no half-sighted mortal, who is aware of the achievements of this lordly chieftain and his impreca- tions so often poured forth against every supporter of a nostrum, who .values among mankind that deport- ment, denominated CONSISTENCY, exclaim at this modest account of the virtues of the present nostrum, * HOW ARE THE MIGHTY FALLEN!]' No ! but let him ponder well, and recollect, that Bradley ' is an honour- '.able man, and so are they all, all honourable men,' who have raised the standard of defiance against the en- croachments of Perkinism ! 159 And couldst thou, pertinacious B , But maul these mutton heads, most sadly, Soon might thy wig (the people staring) All in a chariot take an airing ! I0j * * 'Gainst Belgraves, Colquhouns, Wilberforces ! What business had these fellows to intrude their noses into the concerns of the Westminster Infirmary ? Brother B. had an undoubted right to manage, or mis- manage, the funds of a Medical Institution, as best suited his own convenience, without their troublesome inter- ference. 105 All in a chariot take an airing! I hereby enter a protest against any one of my com- mentators, whether he be Vanscanderdigindich the elder, or Hansvanshognosuch, his cousin German (two Dutch geniusses, who have promised to furnish the next edi- tion of this my pithy poem with a whole ass-load of an- notations), or any other Gentlemen Critics or Reviewers of equal profundity, presuming to intimate, that I in- tend, by this passage, the smallest disrespect to your pe- destrian Physicians. Far from that $ I know that many good and great men (like myself, for example) cannot even pay a shilling for hackney-coach hire. No, Gen- tlemen ; I have two great objects in view, to wit, i. To .encourage my brother B to persevere In his laudable attempt to kick Per kinism back to the country i6o Led on by chieftains so redoubted, These vile Perkineans must be routed ; whence it originated, by reminding him that, if the fieat were once performed, he might, perhaps, soon afford the expence of a chariot to transport, in a respectable manner, all that wig, without laying the entire burden on the curious sconce it now envelopes. 2. To remind Brother B , and the profession in general, how much more execution may be done by a Charioteer than by a, Pedestrian Physician. Although great men ^frequently differ, I am happy to find Mr. Addison 1 * opinion and mine, in this particular, perfectly consentaneous. ' This body of men,' says he, speaking of Physicians in our own country, * may be described like the British * army in Caesar's time. Some slay in chariots, and some * on foot. If the Infantry do less execution than the * Charioteers, it is because they .cannot be carried, so * soon, into all parts of the town, and dispatch so much e business in so short a time.' Spectator, No. 21. Not an individual, I will venture to assert, who knows my brother B , but must feel the really urgent necessity of elevating him, as soon as possible, from le ^puve, and giving those talents their full swing. Then indeed soon might our charioteer justly boast * London, with all her passing bells, can tell, * By this, right arm what mighty numbers fell. Then, if in future people be sick, They'll worship us, the Gods of Physic. Why stand ye now, like drones, astounded, The weapons of your warfare grounded ? Arm'd cap-a-pe, like heroes rush on, And crush this reptile Institution. But first, to make the bigger bluster, Join every quack that you can muster; Some place in rear, and some in front on, From Brodum down to gaseous T . Io5 Whilst others meanly ask'd whole months to slay, I oft dispatchM the patient in a day. With pen in hand, I push'd to that degree, I scarce had left a wretch to give a fee. Some fell by laudanum, and some by steel, And death in ambush lay in every pill 5 For save, or slay, this privilege we claim, Though credit suffers, the reward's the same.* 106 From Brodum down to gaseous T . I am fully sensible that many of my brethren, of less discernment than myself, would have assigned this fa- mous little genius a rank on the empirical list even above Doctor Brodum, Making puffing their criterion, M Now when the foe you first get sight on. Shout CA IRA, and then rush right on.; they will argue, that those acute half-guinea paragraphs, which we occasionally see at the fag-end of the Times and other morning papers, respecting that ' very learned ' Physician,' his * Great Discoveries, and Improve- ' ments in the medical application of the Gasses/ his * Grand National Botanical Work," and fifty others of the same strain, asserting the high claims of this airy writer on the gratitude of the public, are incontestible proofs of his s-uperior merits in the puffing department, which, say they, is one of the most necessary ingredients in the formation of a Charlatan. All this is specious reasoning ; but I trust I shall show its fallacy. Pre- eminence, in my opinion, must be founded on some in- trinsic excellence, original and independent of adventi- tious circumstances. If we closely examine the merits of this candidate, we shall find that there can be no great claim on this score. Let any man .enjoy the facilities and advantages of a general dealer in the airs, who must of course have puffs of all descriptions at hand 5 and where is the merit of occasionally letting cffone? If there be any thing like originality in this indus- trious little philosopher, and for the invention of which I should be inclined to allow him the credit of inge- nuity, it consists in his meritometer, which proposes to measure the merits of his fellow creatures by the degree of faith they can afford to bestow on the infallibility of his gasses as a panacea. See bis plan of this Instrument, 1 63 And make as terrible a racket, As ever did a woman's clack vet. 10 7 or rather the deductions drawn from his trials of it, in his large five volume compilation of ' Extracts,* vol. i. page 459. From this scale it appears, that 7\reny of mankind are either fools or knaves, as that proportion places no confidence in the efficacy of his catholicon. I hope, therefore, after the good reasons here assigned for my conduct, I sliall not be suspected of partiality to Doctor Brodum in retaining him at the head of the Quacks, nor ill-will to Doctor T. for not calling him up higher on. the list. 107 As ever did a woman's clack yet. Notwithstanding what Swift, and other gentlemen of the order of Cynics, have said or sung to the disparage- ment of the fair sex, and notwithstanding the many re- buffs I have myself received, whenever I have attempted to win the heart of any divinityship, above the order of a Billingsgate-lady, still I had supposed the fair sex, as being the weaker vessel, were entitled to a great share of our indulgence and protection ; and could not of consequence so well discover the motives actuating those philosophers, who have endeavoured to persuade us that the fairer half of mankind were made merely for the purpose of being a thorn in the side of the other half. But my wife, as before intimated, (page 42) being an intolerable scold, I have, at length, become a complete woman-hater , and have as great an antipathy to a female as ever a toad had to a spider. M 2 164 For should you sound a loud alarum, Perhaps you may go sadly scare 'em, I have, however, formerly had so much experience in love affairs, that, for twenty years past, I have thought myself amply qualified to set up for a sort of love casu- ist, have given much good advice respecting the best mode of adjusting all affairs of the heart, and have ac- quitted myself much to the satisfaction of those ladies and gentlemen, who have consulted me on the occasion. Now, as you are about to commence a most terrible combat, from which it is ten to one if one in ten of your honourable body ever return alive, I could wish, out of the superabundance of my humanity, that you should enjoy life as much as possible, before you are killed off,* or, as our best modern philosophers (Dr. Darwin and others) would have it, go to sltep, and there- fore regale you, for a moment, with the following titbit of sentimentality. A certain young gentleman of my acquaintance had read the * Sorrows ofV/erter? and other delicious novels of that kind, in which the passion of love is represented as irresistible, and of consequence its existence in the breast of any person would justify the commission of suicide, provided he could not obtain the lovely object of all his soul's desire. The impressions thus made were of such a nature, that the said gentleman was taken most terribly in love the very first opportunity, pined away, almost to a mere shadow of -a skeleton, wrote many a ' doleful ballad to his mistress' eye-brows,' and was'fully determined to Like frighted sheep, they'll huddle right in The Old Nick's den, without much fighting. shoot, hang, or drown himself, provided his delectable should not prove as kind as she was* fair. At this momentous crisis of his disorder I dosed my whining patient with the following poetical pana- cea, which completely removed his complaint, or, at least, gave it such a direction that it was perfectly harmless, and had a tendency rather to elevate than de- press his mental energies, A Poetical Epistle to a Friend of Doctor Caustic, who was uncommonly susceptible of the charms of the fair, and frequently fell desperately in love at the first sight of a fine lady. WITH mute attention lend your ear, To hear, * and reverence what you hear,' While truths more precious I unfold Than splendid gems incas'd in gold. I wish no friend of mine to own The nerve of steel, the heart of stone, But beauty's willing votary bow, Nor blush allegiance to avow. When doubts perplex, when cares annoy, And bar each avenue of joy j When the pale victim of disease, Which baffled art cannot appease, Torn by affliction's sharpest thong, Till hope has ceas'd her syren song, 1 66 Just so a gang of Indian savages, When they set out to make great ravages-, Beholds pale horror's spectred form Ride moaning in the midnight storm, The fairer sex possess the power To tranquillize the torturing hour, * And bid mild sympathy impart A cordial to the bursting heart. To cheer with smiles the vale of woe Is not the only power they know, But oft it is their sweet employ To light with love the lamp of joy. 'Tis theirs, in pleasure's brightest noon, The fibres of the heart to tune To tones of rapture, which might even Prelude the harmony of heaven. Then should you find a fair one true To love, to Nature, and to you ; What time a thousand tender arts Denote a unison of hearts ; When half express'd, half stifled sigh, And timid glance from downcast eye Appear, expressively unique, With crimson flush of beauty's cheek ; And all in tender tone proclaim, That hopes and wishes are the same : Unite assenting hearts and hands In gentle Hymeneal bands ; * If the heart of a man be opprrss'd with car?. The mist is dispell'U if a woman appear. Gafi Bfggar'j Cfcr*, 1 6; With war-whoop fright their foes (God help 'em) And then proceed to kill and scalp 'em. Then shall fresh rapture crown each day Till life and love at once decay. But ne'er commence in love's career, With silly plainings 'bout your dear 5 Nor sit on moss-grown bank, and snivel, Because Miss Sylva is uncivil 5 Nor tell to every brawling brook She petrified you with a look; Nor think it right to hang or drown In consequence of Laura's frown ; Nor make your fair, in prose or metre, A * monstrous pretty' sort of creature ; Ransack the store. house of dame Nature, To find some simile to mate her ; Nor conjure up, with deal of pains, From vasty deep of poets' brains, A heath'nish kind of wizard battery, To take her heart by dint of flattery j That Venus, Dian, and the rest, Compared with her, are second best. For if she's sense, a single grain, That sort of stuff will all be vain. She'll say your compliments so smart, Are from the head, but not the heart ; And with your wear and tear of brains, You've got ' your labour for your pains.' This is a specimen, Gentlemen, of my powers in ths i68 But now, ere further we proceed^ To set forth every mighty deed, We must exchange (tho j horror stiffen ye) Our Clio for a fell Tisiphone! For when we do these wretches batter, 'Twill be no water-gruel matter; And you'll agree then, I assure ye, My muse is well chang'd for a fury. Thou sprite! thouhag! thou witch! thou spectre! Friend Southey's crony and protector : Io8 sentimental and pathetic. What succeeds in this grand performance will be in regular gradation from the sublime to the dreadful, till I arrive to the acme of the horrid 3 where I hope to take leave of your Worships. 103 Friend. Sou they 's crony and protector! Nothing but the most urgent necessity could have induced me to have formed any intimacy with the hag- gard harridan, which my friend substituted for a Muse, in giving birth to the 9th book of his Epic Poem, called Joan of Arc? Wishing for some kind of celestial in- fluence, (as is customary on similar occasions) to assist in describing the dreadful battle we are about to com- Who led'st the bard, with Joan of Arc, Through death's deep, dreary, dungeon dark ! mence, I sought, in due form, the aid of Apollo, the Tuneful Nine, Delia Crusca's ' GENIUS or MUSE,' and all the Gods, Goddesses, Entities, or Nonentities, who were ever known to lift a poor poet from the bathos of profundity to the acme of sublimity. But not one of their Deity-ships would risk his or her neck and reputa- tion in our perilous rencontre. I was, of course, driven as my dernier resort, to this old Fury. If your Worships have any ambition for a further ac- quaintance with this poetical non-descript, you will turn to the aforesaid 9th 1 Book of * Joan of Arc,'' and between, the 2oth and 4oth lines, you will find a * female* guid- ing a < crazy vessel,* with a ' spread sail before the wind,* * that moans melancholy mournful to her' (Joato however ho- noured I should feel, on all other occasions, with your Worships company, after wishing your good Worships a stiff breeze, I must beg leave to be off. And though their insides you should call up, Still make the numsculls take it all up* Cram all the ninny-hammers gullets With pills as big as pistol bullets ; Then, Frenchman-like, give each a glister. And next go on to bleed and blister. Dash at them escharotics gnawing, Their carcases to pick a flaw in> Of nitrous acid huge carboys, FilPd to the brim, like Margate hoys. Thus when the Greeks with their commander, That fighting fellow, Alexander, et out one morning full of ire, To take and burn the Town of Tyre j A patriotic stout old woman Look'd out, and saw the chaps a coming j When on a sudden she bethought her To heat a kettle full of water j And as they went to climb the ladder^ (Sure never vixen could be madder^ But so the historian of the fray says) She fir'd her water in their faces ! But to return to our great battle; Now rant! rave! roar! and rend! and rattle! I0 ? Like earth-born giants when they strove To pull the ears of thundering Jove ! Pelt the vile foe with weapons missile; Make vials round their sconces whistle; Shower on them a tremendous torrent, Of gallypots and bottles horrent. And now make at 'em like Mendozas, Wjth forceps pinch and pull their noses^ 105 Now rant! rave! roar! and rend! and rattle! I Christopher Caustic, censured by critics, for my tfpt alliterations, though artfully allied, yet /resume it is policy for a /ennyless poet to polish his />uny lays to such a pitch of perfection, that posterity will place the pithy production paramount to the/eaked point of the /iimacle of Pierian .Parnassus. '73 With tournequet and dire tooth-drawers-, First gird their necks, then break both jaws* But lo ! They bid our dread alliance Of doctors, quacks, and drugs defiance; And, firm as host of cavaliers, Convert their Tractors, into spears! See 'host to host and man to man set! A Tractor each, and each a Lancet ! Each meets his foe, so fierce attacks him! That sure some God or Demon backs him! Fell Ate's shriek the world alarms! Beiloiia bellows ' A R M s ! T o A R M s ! ! ' War's Daemon dire, a great red Dragon, Drives, Jehu-like., Death's iron waggon ! ! " 1:0 Drives, Jehu-like, Death's iron waggon. A poet of less judgment than myself would have seated Mars io the Chariot of Victory, a Vauxhall car, or some other flimsy vehicle of that kind, which would be sure to be dashed to pieces in a conflict like this in which we are at present engaged. The carriage here ia- Loud shoots and dismal yells arise! Rend the blue c blanket' of the skies! IXI 'Grim Horror's scream and Fury's frantic Howl might be heard across the Atlantic ! ! Although a comet's tail should hap To give our globe a fatal slap, The ' crush of worlds 5 and c wreck of matter' Would make ten thousand times less clatter ! "Now to the wretches give no quarter, Pound them in indignation's mortar; troduced was made by Vulcan in his best stile of work- manship for the express purpose of this attack, and in point of strength and size, bears no more proportion to the chariot commonly used by the God of War, than one of those huge broad-wheeled Manchester waggons to the little whalebone tbinga?ny which the Duke of "Queensbury run at New Market. 111 Rend the blue blanket' of the skies. This is the same ' blanket' which Mr. Canning said was ' wet' when he exhibited it in the House of Com- mons. Since his use of it on that occasion it has been so frequently wrung by the wits, that it has now become a perfectly dry and almost thread bare article. Let not the women, nor the men chance To 'scape the pestle of your vengeance.'! IN lake cerebrum and cerebellum, To rattle like a roll of vellum, And occiput of every numhead To sound. as loud as kettle-drum head, With fell trepanning perforator, Pierce every rascal's stubborn pate, or With chissel plied with might and main,, 'Ope a huge hole in peri crane. And with a most tremendous process, With power of elephant's proboscis, At once crush dura pia mater, As one would mash a boil'd potatoe! Then, with harsh amputating saw, Slash frontal os from under jaw j And make a wound, by cutting slant Far Doctor Tasker to descant on. II2 IIZ For Doctor Tasker to descant on. I feel a very great solicitude -to mould and modify Attack Medulla, hight Spinalis, From where the head to where the tail is 3 I13 every part and parcel of this performance according to rules and regulations of the best master-builders of Epic Poems, Tragedies, and other great things of that kind. The judicious critic will perceive that all my wounds are^inflicted with anatomical accuracy, and I have no doubt but my friend Dr. Haygarth will do himself the honour to write a treatise upon this subject, and tell the world with what terrible propriety we have hewed and hacked our opponents in the field of battle. The Reverend William Tasker A. B. has furnished a model of this species of criticism in a f A series of Lei- tersy respecting ' The Anatomical Knowledge of Ho- * mer, &c/ Dr. Haygarth I expect will prove that the * death wounds' of Sarpedon, Hector, Ulysses' Dog, &c. as displayed in the Treatise of Dr. Tasker, were mere flea-bites compared with these of Dr. Caustic. 1X3 From where the head to where the tail is. Or more correctly where the tail was. Lord Mon- boddo tells us that men, as well as monkies, were for- merly dignified with long tails protruding from tlie place where (according to Butler) honour is lodged. Philosophers and antiquaries had never been able to dis- cover how man became divested of this ornament, till my friend Dr. Anderson furnished a clue to the mystery. (See Note 21.) From his discovery I am led to sOp- pose that your antediluvian bucks began the practice of cuR-ta//-ing these excrescences for gentility's sake, and Till with rude banging, thumping, thwacking, You break each bone each booby's back in ! Thus Virgil tells of sturdy fellows, Dares yclep'd, and old Entellus, Who, with a pair of iron mittens, Attack'd each other like true Britons. Entellus, stout as Hob the giant, Made horrid work, you may rely on't; Exceeding mightiest verse or prose deed, Knocked out two teeth, and made his nose bleed ! And now, with desperate trocar, Urge on the dreadful < tug of war ;' And, when you've stuck them in the crop, say You meant to tap them for the dropsy. what was at first artificial became in due time natural, till, at length, your right Tippies, as in modern times, were entirely disencumbered of that monkey-like ap- pendage j but our Bond Street loungers, although divest- ed of that exterior mark of the monkey, with a laudable desire to prevent the intentions of Nature from being defeated, have adopted all the orang-outang-ical airs^ which, she originally designed should discriminate that species of animals from men. N 1/8 With burning lapis infernalis, XI4 Convince them human nature frail is.; 114 With burning lapis infernalis. The use of this caustic and other escharotics on this momentous occasion, reminds me of an important era In my life, a succinct biographical sketch of which I shall shortly publish, in nineteen volumes folio ; a work which, in point of size, erudition, and interesting anecdotes, will be immensely preferable to the volumi- nous productions of Lord Orford. The event in question was of the greater conse- quence, as it gave rise to the present family name of ' CAUSTIC.' Just thirty-two years since, from the fourteenth day of last July, while I was prosecuting some of my che- mical researches, my eldest son, Tom, a burly-faced boy, since killed in a duel with a hot-headed Irish gentle- man, overturned a bench, on which were placed seven carboys full of acids, alkalies, &c. and broke them into inch pieces. The consequences of this accident may be more easily conceived than described. The whole neighbourhood was alarmed, and many most terribly causticised, in endeavouring to extinguish the conflagra- tion which ensued. In the consternation, and amid the exertion to subdue it, some one cried out that Dr. Crichton (for such was my -former name, being the lineal descendant from the celebrated Admirable Crichton') is fairly a Dr. CAUSTIC. Thus began my honorary name, of which, as it is /'- 179 And, taunting, tell them they're afflicted, Because they are to sin addicted, enttfic, I am not a little proud, especially as it was ac- quired by virtue of an explosion, similar to that, which gave the honorary appellation of Bronte, to my moral and modest friend, Viscount Nelson of the Nile. For further particulars respecting this important event, you will please to inquire at the Herald's College, where, I dare say, ' Garter Principal King of Arms,' Sir Isaac Heard, Knt. has done me the justice to register the occurrence. Instead of Lions, Bulls, Boars, Camels, Elephants, and such insignificant animalcule, my shield is decorated with insignia more appropriate to my great pretensions. On the left are seen broken carboys coucbant, implying that the secrets of science, lie prostrate before me. Oh the right are fumes rampant, indicative of my dis- coveries, which soar above those of all other pretenders. In the center are nine hedgehogs, with quills, stickant, an happy emblem of my peaceable disposition. My motto, which I trust Sir Isaac has also registered, is worthy of notice. Dr. Darwin was much pleased with it, and, desirous to emulate my fame in the art of motto- making, made ' OMNIA E CONCHIS.' But your Wor- ships will perceive that the Doctor's motto bears no comparison with mine, in point of erudition, as I prove myself versed in three languages, whereas he can boast of only one. Here it comes. O avVgUTros, or >j Lacessit never me impune 1 ! N 2 i8o With scalprum scrape off epidermis And cuticle (I think the term is) ; This, my beautiful and appropriate motto, for the sake of accommodating those among your Wor- ships, who are not versed in the lore of Greece and Rome, and cannot afford to subsidise men of erudition to officiate for you in that department of science, I shall render into our vernacular idiom, as follows t If I'm attacked by man or trollop I'll dose the knave with drastic jalap. Lest the more critical and polite reader should com- plain, that in order to let myself down to the level of your Worshipful capacities, I have anglicised my sublime motto in too vulgar and colloquial a stile, I shall take the liberty, politely, to parodise thereon, and, as Lord Bacon says, ' to bring it home to men's business and bosoms,' that is, to make the application to that particular kind of gentry, against whom my hedgehog quills, aforesaid, are pointed in terror em. Ladies and Gentlemen, REVIEWERS! You are a set of mischief brewers j A gang of scandalous backbiters, Who feast on us, poor murder'd writers. Now if you dare to throw the gauntlet, I tell you honestly I sha'n't let Your impudencies, with impunity, Impose in future on community* And all the nerves and muscles various, Because, say you, their bones are carious* With antimonials make 'em sweat away; Cram each snout full of assafoetida : If you dare say that greater wit Than Doctor Caustic ever writ j If you dare venture to suggest His every word is not the best ; If you dare hint that Caustic's noddle Is not improved from Homer's model If you dare think he has not treble The inspiration of a Sybil ; If you don't seem to take delight In puffing him with all your might j If you don't coin for him some proper lies To circulate through this Metropolis, To give eclat to this edition Of his Poetical Petition j If you don't sing the same tune o'er Which he himself has sung before, * Ancients and moderns, altogether, ' Are but the shadow of a feather, * Compar'd with Caustic, even as * A puff of hydrogenous gas,* He'll hurl ye to old Davy's grotto, As you'll imagine from his motto. JL x. ^r Then tell them, if they'll not be vicious, You'll give them castor oil, delicious. Dash at them nitrate, hight argentum, And tellthenv though it does torment r e That papists say that purgatory Is but a passport into glory. Just so, old Satan was quite merry, ns When erst, in Heaven, he rais'd old Harry; 115 Just so, old Satan was quite merry, &c. So said Milton, * Paradise LostJ B. vi. where the hero of the poem (whom I would propose as a model for your Worships imitation on all occasions) together with his merry companions ' in gamesome mood stand * scoffing,' and f quips, cranks/ powder, grape shot, puns, blunderbuss, jokes, and cannon-balls, flash, roar, and bellow in concert. But I am sure that every candid critic will be dis- posed to acknowledge that neither Homer nor Milton ever described a battle, fraught with such sublime images and similes, as this in which we are so desperately en- gaged. Your Worships will, however, defer any taunts, gibes, sneers, &c. till you are sure of victory. Then you will please to force them to swallow the pills of your With jokes and cannon, interrorem, He march'd and drove 'em all before him. Stick your keen penetrating probes Through right and left hepatic lobes; Although you pierce the diaphragm, You need not care a single damn. So Indians, when a captive's taken. And they resolve to fry his bacon, Their savage torture to refine, First stick him full of splinter'd pirie. In fine, your worships will contrive To leave not one vile wretch alive, raillery, steeped in the aquafortis of adversity, that others may be deterred by their exemplary fate, from infringing on our privileges, dignities, and immunities. There can 'be nothing unmanly or improper in tri- umphing over a fallen enemy. For thus did Achilles insult Hector, Patroclus Sarpedon, and so will Dr. Caustic serve Perkins, when lie has him fairly under foot. i8 4 Except those- dirty sons of - Whom nature meant to dig in ditches. But all who would not make most topping Fellows to work in docks at Wapping, Some way or other, Sirs, I'd have ye Give a quick passport to old Davy. But if with all this blood and thunder, The stubborn blockheads won't knock under, And e'en old women bravely wield Their jordans like Achilles' shield ; No more with these our weapons dabble, But raise a right Lord-Gordon rabble ; Pour on the rogues, that they be undone, The whole mobocracy of London ! Come on, brave fellows, quick surround 'em ; With canes and cudgels punch and pound 'em; Brick-bats and broom-sticks, all together, Like coblers hammering sides of leather. I 85 Brave Belcher, Lee, Mendoza, Bourke, Let loose your fists in this great work! Here's fine amusement for your paws, Without the dread of police laws. Let not one Perkinite be found Encumbering our British ground; But keep on pelting, banging, mauling, Until old Beelzy's den they're all in, I too'll be there and blow war's trumpet ; Or with Death's kettle-drum I'll thump it, Till all's f confusion, worse confounded,' Than e'er in Milton's hell abounded. Thus, when the Spartans were in trouble, Tyrtaeus help'd them through their hobble, By singing songs, to raise their courage, All piping hot, as pepper-porridge. These are the methods of c dead doing,' By which we'll work the wizard's ruin ; And when with Satan all such trash is, We'll rise, like Phoenix, on its ashes, o Now, Sirs, consent to my PETITION, And send these varlets to perdition ; So for your weal and welfare^ post hic y Will ever pray CHRISTOPHER CAUSTIC, ERRATA. Page 1 5, line 2 from top, insert a colon after ' bag.* . ' 15, for* him,* read It. + 34, 20, for < Pope,' read Poet WalLr. - 35, . 24, for < Pope with his,' read Waller with* 49, 27, for < larger,' read longer. _ 50, 21) for larger/ read 7ofr. _ 97, - 3, insert a before subject.' 162, i a, /or * is one, 1 read are some, -178, 17, for run/ read r*. THE ENDi T.Betuly, Printer, Bolt Court, flett Street, London. THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW RENEWED BOOKS ARE SUBJECT TO IMMEDIATE RECALL LIBRARY, UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, DAVIS Book Slip-Series 458 N2 333305 PS166U Fessenden, TG, F2 Terrible tractoration* T7 1803 LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA DAVIS