f BERKELEYA 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVdWITY OF 
 
 Superior to anything of the kind that has yet appeared, 
 Handsomely Bound in Cloth, Bevelled Boards, Price 2s. 6d. 
 
 The Book that every Family Needs. 
 
 CONSULT ME, 
 
 TO KNOW HOW TO COOK 
 
 Meats, Poultry, Fish, Game, Vegetables, Soups, Gravies, Sauces, 
 Meat Pies, Puddings, Food for the Sick, &c. 
 
 CONSULT ME ON CONFECTIONERY: 
 
 How to make Biscuits, Cakes, Pies, Tarts, Creams, Cheesecakes, 
 
 Jellies, &o., to Preserve, &c., and the Art of Sugar Boiling, 
 
 Candying, to make Sweetmeats, &c. 
 
 CONSULT ME, 
 
 And I will teach you how to Brew, to make Wines, Cordials, 
 Tinctures, to Pickle, &c. 
 
 CONSULT ME ON HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT 
 AND ECONOMY ; 
 
 I will tell you how to Wash, get up Linen, Polish Furniture 
 
 to keep the House Clean and Sweet to Beautify 
 
 the Person, &c. 
 
 CONSULT ME ON DISEASES & THEIR REMEDIES, 
 
 And I will point out their symptoms, their causes, and their 
 cure ; based chiefly on the Medico-Botanical System, 
 
 so Safe, Effectual, Cheap, and Rational. 
 
 How to cure Colds, Coughs, Asthma, Consumption, Aches, Pains, 
 
 Bruises, Burns, &c., &c. To make Bitters, Decoctions, Extracts, 
 
 Electuaries, Fomentations, Gargles, Infusions, Injections, 
 
 Lotions, Ointments, Pills, Plasters, Salves, &c. 
 
 CONSULT ME ON THE GAMES OF CHESS, DRAUGHTS, &c. 
 CONSULT ME HOW TO DYE 
 
 In Modern Style and the Newest Colours. Arranged so that you 
 
 may dye at home a pair of stockings, a yard of ribbon, a pair of 
 
 gloves, a bit of wool, cotton, or silk, &c., by a Practical Dyer. 
 
 CONSULT ME ON THE COLD WATER CURE, which has benefited 
 
 thousands, and which will benefit you. 
 
 CONSULT ME ALSO ON A THOUSAND OTHER THINGS, 
 
 MANY OF THE RECEIPTS ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD. 
 
 HALIFAX : Published by W. Nicholson and Sons. 
 
BO O 
 
 PUBLISHED BY 
 
 W. NICHOLSON & SONS, HALIFAX. 
 
 THE BIBLE COMPANION, 
 
 SCRIPTURE PRONOUNCER & EXPOSITOR; 
 
 CONTAINING AN HISTORICAL AND GEOGRAPHICAL 
 
 ACCOUNT OF THE PERSONS AND PLACES 
 
 MENTIONED IN THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. 
 
 With a solution of many Scriptural Difficulties. 
 
 The Bible Companion is designed to assist the Sabbath 
 School Teacher in the instruction of youth, and to be a Pocket 
 Companion for Biblical Students. The great amount of matter it 
 contains, the lowness of its price, and its intrinsic excellency, 
 must commend it to the patronage of the Religious Public. 
 
 "I -wish," writes a gentleman to the publisher, "that every 
 Christian and Sunday School Teacher in Great Britain had one 
 of these Books." 
 
 SWEET HOME; 
 
 OR, THE CHRISTIAN'S RESIDENCE IN THE 
 
 CHURCH MILITANT, 
 AND HIS ANTICIPATED RESIDENCE IN THE 
 
 CHURCH TRIUMPHANT: 
 
 WITH NUMEROUS PRAYERS ADAPTED TO EACH SUBJECT. 
 To which is prefixed a MEMOIR of a Beloved Wife. 
 
 The Church of God resembles a City built on both sides of 
 a river. The river is death ; the Militant Church is on the one 
 side, and the Church Triumphant is on the other. 
 
 "Sweet Home" is descriptive of the various scenes in a 
 Christian's journey to the Heavenly Home. 
 
 The following are a few of the divisions: The City of God 
 the Christian's home on earth. The New Jerusalem. The 
 City of the Great King. The Builder of the City Inhabitants 
 of the City. Profession Town. Mount Sinai. Mount Cal- 
 vary. Sufferings and Death of Christ. Gates of the City.- 
 Gate of Conversion. Gate of Communion. Gate of Death. 
 Walls of the City. Watchmen of the City. Streets of the 
 City Broad Street of Obedience. Schools of the City. 
 Palaces of the City. The Bank of the City. The Armory of 
 the City. The River of the City. The Light or the City. 
 Anticipated departure from the City below to the City above. 
 No Continuing City. The Hope of Heaven. Foretastes of 
 Heaven. The River of Death. The River triumphantly 
 crossed. Entrance into the Heavenly City. Scripture Pic- 
 tures of Heaven. Heaven a Piace.--Why was Heaven cre- 
 ated ?<fec., &c. 
 
THE 
 
 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
-m 
 
 m 
 
 
THE 
 
 MERRY COMPANION 
 
 FOR ALL READERS; 
 
 CONTAINING A CHOICE SELECTION OF 
 
 THE MOST HUMOUEOUS ANECDOTES, 
 
 DEOLL SAYINGS, WIT, 
 
 FUN, AND COMICAL INCIDENTS, 
 
 BOTH IN PEOSE AND POETET. 
 
 CALCULATED TO ENLIVEN DULL HOURS. 
 
 BY DR. MERRY. 
 
 HALIFAX: 
 
 WILLIAM NICHOLSON AND SONS. 
 LONDON: S. D. EWINS, JR. & CO., 22, PATERNOSTER ROW. 
 
 1863. 
 
LOAN STACK 
 
COMPANION, 
 
 BACHELOE HOUSEKEEPING. 
 
 MR. BROWN. Pray, Jane, what on earth is the reason I am kept 
 waiting for my breakfast in this way ? 
 
 JANE. Please, sir, the rolls isn't come, and there's no bread in the 
 house. 
 
 MR. BROWN. Now, upon my word ! How can you annoy me with 
 such trifles? 
 
 No bread ? then bring me some toast. [Exit Jane in dismay. 
 
 I thing I see him! Bagged dressing gown ; beard two clays 
 old ; depressed dickey ; scowling face ; out at elbows, out of sorts, 
 and out of ' toast !' Poor thing ! Don't it make my heart ache ? 
 How should he be expected to know that bread was the forerunner 
 of toast, without a wile to tell him ? 
 
 Bachelors never cut their ' wisdom teeth !' It is astonishing how 
 people can make themselves merry at their expense. I consider 
 their case calls for the deepest commiseration. It is not toast they 
 want it is a wife ! Toast will naturally follow, and in fine order 
 too ! But, bless your soul ! the poor creatures don't know half the 
 time what ails them. They have a general undefined feeling of 
 discomfort which they cannot account for ; never can find their 
 winter or summer clothes when they want them ; moths eat up all 
 their woollens ; the washerwoman ruins their flannels, letting them 
 soak in the water ; scorches their Sunday dickey, and irons off their 
 shirt-buttons ; stockings get mis-mated ; if you pulled oft' their 
 boots you would find they were ; Odd Fellows !' Silk neck-ties 
 want hemming ; when they run their arm into a coat-sleeve, it gets 
 
 657 
 
6 MERRY COMPAQ lOtf. 
 
 tangled in a ragged lining; lose their portemonnaies, because the 
 day-light shines through their pockets ; fingers all peeping out of 
 their gloves ; miss half their duds, moving from one boarding-house 
 to another ; chambermaids thumb their nice books with greasy fin- 
 gers, use all their Cologne, and make acquaintance with their head 
 and tooth-brushes; let all their letters and notes every thing but 
 their tailors' bills stay down stairs a week before they are deliv- 
 ered. 
 
 Poor things ; they feel themselves perfect cyphers, every time 
 they see a family man go strutting past, like chanticleer with his 
 hen and chickens 1 Afraid to ask a woman to have them, for fear 
 she will say ' No !' Ain't their sufferings intolerable ? 
 
 MARYLAND WIT. A gentleman with a glass eye was about to 
 exercise the right of suffrage the other morning, when he was ac- 
 costed by a political opponent, with ' I say, master, what are you 
 doing here? you can't vote, you're not natural-eyes' d? The joke 
 was taken in good part, and created general merriment 
 
 MISCONCEPTION. The following conversation is said to have 
 
 taken place between Mrs. , of Boston, and her maid : * Leah, 
 
 bring me some water with the chill taken off.' 4 Yes, ma'am, di- 
 rectly.' ' Leah, what on earth keeps you ?' * I've been looking 
 ever since for the chill, ma'am, and I can't find it.' This reminds 
 us of the boy sent to boil some eggs soft; when questioned as to 
 what detained him, he answered, ' Rot the things, it aint no use, 
 they won't bile soft. I've been at 'em more than an hour, and the 
 more I bile 'em the harder they gets.' 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, whose nose and chin were both very long, and 
 who had lost his teeth, whereby the nose and chin were brought 
 together, was told, 4 1 am afraid your nose and chin will fight before 
 long: they approach each other very menacingly.' 4 I am afraid 
 of it myself,' replied the gentleman, 4 for a great many words have 
 passed between them already.' 
 
 USEFUL HAT. ' Ta'nt a werry good 'un to look at,' said Sam, 
 'but it's an astonishin' 'un to wear ; and afore the brim went, it 
 was a werry handsome tile. Hows'ever, its lighter without it, that's 
 one thing, and every hole lets in some air, that's another vventi- 
 latioii gossamer I calls it.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION". 7 
 
 THE VALUE OF A WIG. A Southern paper relates the following 
 story of an officer of the army, who, having lost his hair during an 
 illness contracted at New Orleans, provided himself with a hand- 
 some wig before starting on a late campaign in Florida. In an 
 engagement with the Seminoles, he was wounded, and fell to the 
 ground, where he lay without the power to rise. Trie red enemy, 
 who wounded him, came up for his scalp. The officer feigned to 
 he dead, and breathed as low and softly as possible. The Indian 
 stood over him, drew his knife, passed it fearfully and quickly round 
 the head of his victim ; and then, with a ' whoop !' bounded with 
 his bloody trophy into an everglade. The officer afterwards got 
 back in safety to his camp, and relates with much glee the story 
 of the loss of his wig ! 
 
 A RAILWAY RHYME. 
 
 There was a little milliner, 
 
 Whose name was Charlotte Dunne, 
 Though there was nought of ill in her, 
 
 She loved a bit of fun. 
 
 And on an Easter holiday, 
 With mind all free from care 
 
 (Though 'twas a melancholy day), 
 She went from Euston Square 
 
 By train; in whlo'i beside her sat 
 
 A man who seem'd polite, 
 Talk'd, smiled, and looked quite wisely at 
 
 Another opposite 
 
 ***** 
 
 Onward, onward sped the train 
 O'er hill, and dale, and moor; 
 
 The wind sped after it in vain, 
 And could not get before. 
 
 The whistle sounded long" and shrill, 
 
 A tunnel now they near'd, 
 Which near a lofty snow-clad hill 
 
 Its dismal entrance rear'd. 
 
 Young Charlotte saw her vis-a-vis 
 
 Rise slyly from his place, 
 And by her side, right closely, he 
 
 Sat with a smiling face. 
 
 Thought she, * These men look for a treat 
 Unless I judge amiss, 
 
MERRY COMPANION, 
 
 And think 'twill be an easy feat 
 To snatch a stolen kiss.' 
 
 So when they in the tunnel got, 
 She changed her place unseen ; 
 
 Yet neither of the men did wot 
 But she was still between. 
 
 Then soon a dismal cry arose 
 
 And raised a great alarm ; 
 For each had knock'd his neighbour's nose, 
 
 And done him grievous harm. 
 
 Right fearfully they both did swear, 
 
 And swift their chatter ran, 
 When each of them became aware 
 
 That he had kiss'd a man ! 
 
 * * * * * 
 
 The train soon pass'd the tunnel through, 
 
 And came again to light 
 Exposed their faces all in view 
 
 It was a sorry sight ! 
 
 With swollen nose and watery eyes, 
 Each vow'd in right good sooth 
 
 He would the other well chastise, 
 And beat him without ruth. 
 
 The train soon to a station came, 
 
 At which the lass got out, 
 And, having much enjoyed the game, 
 
 Said, with a pretty pout; 
 
 ' Good night, kind sirs ; to you I witih 
 
 A very pleasant ride ; 
 And counsel you, when next you fish, 
 
 To see how runs the tide. 
 
 *Let this to you a warning be 
 
 As to each loving spark 
 If girls won't kiss you when they see, 
 
 Don't try it in the dark !' Diogenes. 
 
 BAD SPELLING. A gentleman wrote Dr. Francis the following 
 note : ' Dear Doctor, I caught cold yesterday, and have got a 
 little horse. Please write what I shall do for them. J. P.' 
 
 We annex the answer : ' Dear P., For the cold take half a 
 pound of sugar candy. For the little horse, buy a saddle and bri- 
 dle, and ride him out of town the first time we have pleasant wea- 
 ther. Yours, Dr. F.' 
 
MEBRY COMPANION. U 
 
 A DIGRESSION. The celebrated Henderson, the actor, was sel- 
 dom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day 
 debating with a fellow student, who not keeping his temper, threw 
 a glass of wine in his face. Mr. Henderson took out his handker- 
 chief, wiped his face, and coolly said, ' That, sir, was a digres- 
 sion ; now for the argument/ 
 
 THE BASHFUL MAN. 
 
 AMONG the various good and bad qualities incident to our nature, I am 
 that unfortunate kind of being over stocked with the one called bashful- 
 ness : for you must know, I inherit such an extreme susceptibility of shame, 
 that on the smallest subject of confusion my blood rushes into my cheeks, 
 and I appear a perfect full-blown rose ; in short, I am commonly known 
 by the appellation of 'The Bashful Man.' 
 
 The consciousness of this unhappy failing, made me formerly avoid that 
 social company I should otherwise have been ambitious to appear in ; till 
 at length becoming possessed of an ample fortune by the death of an old 
 rich uncle, and vainly supposing that ' money makes the man,' I at last de- 
 termined to conquer my timidity, and three days ago accepted of an invita- 
 tion to dine this day with one, whose open easy manner left me no room 
 to doubt a cordial welcome. 
 
 Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles distant, is a baronet, 
 with about two thousand pounds a year estate, adjoining to that I pur- 
 chased : he has two sons, and five daughters, all grown up, and living with 
 their mother and a maiden sister of Sir Friendly's, at Friendly Hall, depen- 
 dant on their father. Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have for some 
 time past taken private lessons of a professor, who teaches 'grown gentle- 
 men to dance ;' and though I at first found wondrous difficulty in the art 
 he taught, my knowledge of the mathematics was of prodigious use, in 
 teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the due adjustment of the 
 centre of gravity to the five positions. Having now acquired the art of 
 walking without tottering, and learned to make a bow, I boldly ventured to 
 obey the baronet's invitation to a family dinner, not doubting but my new 
 acquirements would enable me to see the ladies with tolerable intrepidity : 
 but, alas ! how vain are all the hopes of theory, when unsupported by hab- 
 itual practice. As I approached the house, a dinner bell alarmed my fears, 
 lest I had spoiled the dinner by want of punctuality : impressed with thh 
 idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced 
 by the several livery servants, who ushered me into the library, hardly 
 knowing what or whom I saw. 
 
 At my first entrance, I summoned all my fortitude, and made my new- 
 
10 
 
 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 learned bow to Lady Friendly; but unfortunately, in bringing back my left 
 foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of Sir Thomas, who 
 had followed close at my heels, to be the Nomenclator of the family. The 
 confusion this occasioned in ME is hardly to be conceived, since none but 
 bashful men CAN judge of my distress, and of that description the number 
 1 believe is very small. The baronet's politeness by degrees dissipated my 
 concern, and I was astonished to see how far good breeding could enable 
 him to support his feelings, and to appear with perfect ease, after so pain- 
 ful an accident. 
 
 The cheerfulness of her Ladyship, and the familiar chat of the young 
 ladies, insensibly led me to throw off my reserve and sheepishness, till at 
 length I ventured to join in conversation, and even to start fresh subjects. 
 The library being richly furnished with books in elegant bindings, I con- 
 ceived Sir Thomas to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my 
 opinion concerning the several editions of the Greek classics, in which the 
 Baronet's opinion exactly coincided with my own. To this subject I was 
 led, by observing an edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, which (as I 
 had never before heard of such a thing) greatly excited my curiosity, and I 
 rose up to examine what it could be. Sir Thomas saw what I was about, 
 and (as I suppose) willing to save me trouble, rose to take down the book, 
 which made me more eager to prevent him, and, hastily laying my hand 
 on the first volume, I pulled it forcibly ; bui lo ! instead of books, a board, 
 which by leather and gilding had been made to look like sixteen volumes, 
 came tumbling down, and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgewood ink-stand, 
 on the table under it. In vain did Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm ; 
 I saw the ink streaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and, 
 scarce knowing what I did, attempted to stop its progress with my cambric 
 handkerchief. 
 
 In the height of this confusion, we were informed that dinner was served 
 up, and I with joy perceived that the bell, which at first had so alarmed my 
 fears, was only the half-hour dinner bell. 
 
 In walking through the hall and suite of apartments to the dining-room, 
 I had time to collect my scattered senses, and was desired to take my seat 
 betwixt Lady Friendly and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall 
 of the wooden Xenophon, my face had been continually burning like a fire- 
 brand, and I was just beginning to recover myrelf, and to feel comfortably 
 cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my beat and blushes. 
 Having set my plate of soup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Miss 
 Dinah, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled 
 the whole scalding contents into my lap. In spite of an immediate supply 
 of napkins, to wipe the surface of my clothes, my black silk breeches were 
 not stout enough to save me from the painful efl'ects of this sudden fomen- 
 tation, and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed stewing in a boil- 
 ing cauldron ; but recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture 
 
MEEEY COMPANION 11 
 
 when I trod upon his toe, firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my 
 lower extremities parboiled, amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and the 
 servants. 
 
 I will not relate the several blunders which I made during the first course 
 or the distress occasioned by my being desired to carve a fowl, or help to 
 various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce-boat, and knocking 
 down a salt-cellar ; rather let me hasten to the second course, * where fresh 
 disasters overwhelmed me quite.' 
 
 I had a piece of rich sweet pudding on my fork, when Miss Louisa 
 Friendly begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me. In my 
 haste, scarcely knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth, 
 hot as a burning coal ; it was impossible to conceal my agony my eyes were 
 starting from their sockets. At last, in spite of shame and resolution, I 
 was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir Thomas and the 
 ladies all compassionated my misfortune, and each advised a different appli- 
 cation : one recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was 
 best tor drawing out fire ; and a glass of sherry was brought me from the 
 sideboard, which I snatched up with eagerness : but oh ! how shall I tell 
 the sequel? whether the butler by accident mistook, or purposely de- 
 signed to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy, with which 
 I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to ardent 
 spirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate, as raw as beef, what could 1 do? 
 I cculd noi swallow, and, clapping my hands upon my mouth, the cursed 
 liquor squirted through my nose and fingers liko a fountain, over all the 
 dishes ; and I, crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did 
 Sir Thomas reprimand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daugh- 
 ters : for thp measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete, 
 To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which the accident 
 caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated 
 handkerchief, which was still wet from the consequences of the fall of Xeno- 
 phon, and covered all ray features with screaks of ink in every direction. 
 The Baronet himself could not support this shock, but joined his lady in 
 the general laugh ; while I sprang from the table in despair, rushed out of 
 the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace, which the 
 most poignant sense of guilt conld have excited. 
 
 Thus, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am 
 suffering torments like a ' goblin' damned.' The lower half of me has been 
 almost boiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, and 1 bear the mark of Cain 
 upon my foiehead ; yet these are but trifling considerations, to the ever- 
 lasting shame which I must feel, whenever this adventure shall be men- 
 tioned. Perhaps by your assistance, when my neighbours know how much 
 I FEEL on the occasion^ they will spare a BASHFUL MAN, and (as I am just 
 informed my poultice is ready) I trust you'll excuse the haste in which I 
 retire. 
 
12 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 HUME. Hume was once crossing a temporary bridge, which 
 connected the new with the old town of Edinburgh, when it unfor- 
 tunately gave way, and he fell into the swamp. He called loudly 
 for assistance, when an old woman hastened to the spot ; but per- 
 ceiving who it was that thus invoked aid, she refused to give him 
 any assistance, on the ground that he was an Atheist. ' Oh no, 
 no,' said the philosopher, ' I am no Atheist, I assure you, good wo- 
 man, you are quite mistaken.' * If you are not an Atheist/ returned 
 she, ' you can say your belief; and if you cannot do that, I will be 
 no aid to save an infidel/ Mr. Hume finding no other person ap- 
 proaching to his assistance, distinctly repeated the apostles' creed, 
 and having convinced the good woman of his Christian education 
 at least, was charitably afforded that relief, which otherwise she 
 would have thought it a duty of religion to deny him. 
 
 * CATO, what do you suppose is the reason that the sun goes to- 
 wards the south in the winter? 'Well. I don't know, massa, un- 
 less he no stand de 'clemency of de norf, and so am 'bliged to go 
 to de souf, where he 'speriences warmer longitude,' was the philo- 
 sophic reply. 
 
 WHEN THY RINGLETS ARE STREAMING. 
 
 Oh ! 'tis thus when thy ringlets are streaming 
 
 Thou'rt ever most lovely and bright: 
 And while merrily, merrily beaming-, 
 
 Thine eye, love, is laughing in light. 
 Oh ! 'tis thus when thy heart seems o'er flowing, 
 
 And each thought is as fond as 'tis free ; 
 Like sunbeams form'd only for glowing, 
 
 Oh ! 'tis thus thou art dearest to me. 
 
 Let them sparkle 'mid diamonds who may, love, 
 
 True beauty requires not their aid ; 
 Oh ! to me 'tis a far sweeter ray, love, 
 
 Which reflects from thy ringlets or braid. 
 The world ! what's the world, should it smile, love, 
 
 The world ! who could think on't with thee 1 
 Away, let it praise or revile, love, 
 
 Thou'rt a world in thyself still to me. 
 
 Oh I 'tis thus when thy ringlets are streaming, 
 Thou'rt ever most lovely and bright ; 
 
 And while merrily, merrily beaming-, 
 Thine eye, love, is laughing in light.' 
 
MEEEY COMPANION. 13 
 
 A DOCTOR lately went to bleed a dandy, who languidly remarked, 
 * Oh, doctor, you're a great butcher!' On which the doctor re- 
 joined, ' Yes, and I've been sticking a great calf.' 
 
 Mother. ' Thy gown's not long enough, nor near.' 
 Daughter. ' True's thy remark, my mother ; 
 
 But then it will be long too long I fear 
 Before I get another.' 
 
 MARRIAGE. A RECEIPT. 
 
 A new ' Family Cookery Book' is about to appear. We give a 
 capital receipt for a ' Dish for two/ called ' Marriage.' Catch a 
 young gentleman and lady. The young gentleman will be best 
 raw, and the young lady quite tender ; set the gentleman at the 
 dinner table ; take a bottle of wine, claret is good, port is better, a 
 little dish of champagne will give it a briskness ; let him soak in 
 this mixture for a couple of hours ; if no signs of boiling, try ano- 
 ther bottle. When getting red in the gills, take him into the 
 drawing room ; if in winter, set him at the fireside by the lady, 
 throw in a dash of green tea, of about three cups to each, and let 
 them simmer together ; if in the summer time, place them in a 
 current of air, as near the window, and as much out of sight as you 
 can ; stick the lady all over with flowers, and place them near the 
 piano, and keep stirring them till the lady sings. When you hear 
 the gentleman sigh, it is a good sign ; as, whether winter or sum- 
 mer, they are sure to be growing warm. Then take them off, and 
 put them in a corner of the room on a sofa, near a chess-table, if 
 possible ; leave them together simmering for the rest of the even- 
 ing. Repeat this for three or four times, taking care to keep them 
 as close to each other as you can. Great care must be taken about 
 the degree of heat; if too warm, they will explode and fly off; if 
 too little, they will turn into a jelly, or perhaps an ice. The best 
 heat is the moderate, regular, and constant. The length of time 
 during which it is applied must be according to circumstances. 
 For a gentleman and lady under fi ve-and-twenty, three months, 
 three weeks, or three days, sometimes are sufficient ; but, in every 
 instance there must be great precaution to avoid a broil. A cer- 
 tain quantity of the Queen's coin put in during cooking will have 
 great effect in keeping up the heat ; the dish will look remarkably 
 well if garnished round with bank paper ; it may then be served 
 up at table, and make an excellent meal for two. Care should be 
 taken that no vinegar is used, as the dish is remarkably apt to 
 turn sour. 
 
14 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 'AHEM ! Ephraim, I heard something about you.' 'La, now, 
 Miss Sophrina, you don't say so.' 
 
 v Yes, indeed, that I did, and a great many said it, too.' t La, 
 now, what was it, Miss Sophrina ?' 
 
 4 O, dear, I can't tell you,' (turning away her head). ' 0, la, do 
 row.' 
 
 fc 0, no, I can't.' * Oh, yes, Miss Sophrina/ 
 
 ' La, me, Ephraim, you do pester a body so.* ' Well, do please 
 to tell me, Sophrina.' 
 
 ' Well, I heard that 0, 1 can't tell you.' * Ah ! yes, come, now 
 do/ (taking her hand). 
 
 ' Well, [ didn't say it but I heard that ' ' What ?' (putting 
 an arm around her waist) 
 
 4 Oh, don't squeeze me so I heard that that (turning her blue 
 eyes full upon Ephraim' s) that you and 1 were to be married, 
 Ephraim !' 
 
 THE BARBER AND CHIMNEY SWEEPER. 
 
 Young- Nick, within a barber's shop, 
 
 A chimney had been sweeping-, 
 And having- done his swarthy job, 
 
 Again was downward creeping*. 
 While tying- up his bag of soot, 
 
 The waggish shaving- blade 
 Exclaim'd, * may I presume to ask, 
 
 What was your father's trade ?' 
 
 ' What trade?' quoth sweep, * why to my shame 
 
 And chagrin, be it spoken 
 My father was a barber, sir, 
 
 How cursedly provoking ! 
 I might have been a barber, too, 
 
 And his own sphere have played in : 
 But did not like to say the truth, 
 
 A business so degrading !' 
 
 A SPIRIT PERPLEXED. Medium: All is now ready; what 
 question do you wish to put? Widow: Why, ma'am, I must ex- 
 plain that I gave to my dear departed one (he was many years 
 younger than myself) 200 to pay off a claim ; and now he's gone 
 they've had the audacity to apply again for the money! Pray, 
 therefore, ask my dear Augustus, what he did with the icceipt? 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 15 
 
 * WHAT is a rebus ?' innocently asked a lovely miss of a black- 
 eyed lad. Imprinting a kiss on her breathing lips, he replied, 4 If 
 you now will return the compliment, that will be a re-buss ?' She 
 was satisfied with the information. 
 
 AMERICAN EETURN. * The English will never get back their 
 gold from America,' said a disputant on the commercial crisis ; 
 4 How could they expect it,' observed a Yankee, * the English know 
 we have not a Sovereign to send/ 
 
 A CERTAIN REMEDY. In a small village near Preston resides 
 a worthy itinerant vender of tea and coffee, whose 4 better half ' had 
 been in so precarious a state of health, that her husband as well as 
 the doctors well nigh despaired of her convalescence. At length, 
 however, after all other sanative means had failed, the good man 
 thought he would try what he could do either by way of killing or 
 curing. He arrived at home one evening, after his day's journey 
 in the country, and drawing his chair to the fire, close to his wife, 
 he accosted her as follows : * Jane, love, ar to any better ?'' No, 
 William, I dinna think I am/ l Well, Jane, it'sloikely ar time's 
 short i' this world together/ 'Ay, William, I think t' same/ 
 ' Well, Jane, I never did deceive thee, and I'll not naa. I met 
 wi' a woman to-day i' Brotherton, just like thee, and I towel her 
 tha was ill, and likely to dee, and hoo hod just suit me, and hoo 
 said as soon as tha be deed I moon let her know, and hoo'd ha me/ 
 Jane was aroused by this announcement, and starting from her 
 seat, declared * She'd never dee to suit him nor hor/ From that 
 time she continued to improve in health and strength daily. 
 
 THE CHARGE OF AN AMERICAN JUDGE. Murder, gentlemen, 
 is where a man is murderously killed. The killer in such a case is 
 a murderer. Now murder by poison is as much murder as mur- 
 der with a gun. It is the murdering which constitutes murder in 
 the eye of the law. You will bear in mind that murder is one 
 thing and manslaughter another; therefore, if it is not manslaugh- 
 ter it must be murder. Self-murder has nothing to do with this 
 case. One man cannot commit felo-de-se on another ; that is 
 clearly my view. Gentlemen, I think you can have no difficulty. 
 Murder 1 say is murder. The murder of a brother is called frat- 
 ricide ; but it is not fratricide if a man murders his mother. You 
 will make up your minds. You know what murder is, and I need 
 not tell you what it is not. I repeat, murder is murder. You can 
 retire upon it if you like. 
 
16 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 THERE happened to grow up between Patrick and a bragging 
 down-easter, a very fierce contest as to the comparative size of dif- 
 ferent animals and insects, in this and the ' ould counthry,' when 
 Mr. O'Flaherty declared that in Ireland the * baes were as big as 
 a sheep.' ' Very well,' interrupted Icabod, ' how big are the hives ?' 
 4 As big as yourn, be jabers !' * Then how do the bees get into 
 their hives ?' Paddy scratched his head, and after a few moments' 
 reflection, replied, * that's their look-out!' 
 
 * ARE you an Odd Fellow ?' ' No, sir: I've been married fora 
 week !' * I mean, do you belong to the order of Odd Fellows ? 
 4 No, no ; I belong to the order of Married Men/ * Mercy, how 
 dull! Are you a Mason?' 4 No: I'm a carpenter by trade/ 
 * Worse and worse ! Are you a Son of Temperance P* 4 Bother 
 you ! no ; I am a son of Mr. John Gosling.' The querist went 
 away. 
 
 CAUGHT IN HIS OWN TRAP. 
 
 A girl, young- and pretty, but above all gifted with an air of adorn 
 able candour, lately presented herself before a certain Parisian lawyer, 
 (we translate the incident from the French journals for the benefit of 
 our home-made attorneys,) and thus addressed him : * Monsieur, I 
 come to consult you upon a grave affair. I want to oblige a man I 
 love, to marry me in spite of himself; how shall I proceed T 
 
 The gentleman of the bar had of course a sufficiently elastic con- 
 science. He reflected a moment ; then, being- sure that no third per- 
 son overheard him, replied unhesitatingly, * Mademoiselle, according- 
 to our law you already possess the means of forcing- a man to marry 
 you. You must remain on three occasions alone with him ; then you 
 caii swear before a judge that he is your lover/ 
 
 ' And that will suffice, Monsieur?' 
 
 ' Yes, Mademoiselle, with one further condition, which is, that you 
 will produce witnesses who will make oath to their having- seen you 
 remain a good quarter of an hour with the individual said to have tri- 
 fled with you affections/ 
 
 'Very well, Monsieur. I will retain you as counsel in the manage- 
 ment of this affair. Good day/ 
 
 A few days afterwards the young girl returned. She is mysteriously 
 received by the lawyer, who, scarcely giving her time to rest herself, 
 questions her with the most lively curiosity. * Well, Mademoiselle, 
 how do matters prosper ?' 
 
 * Oh ! all goes on swimmingly. I have passed a half-hour with my 
 intended. I have been seen to go up stairs and come down again. I 
 have four witnesses who will affirm this under oath/ 
 
MERRY COHPA^IOtf. 17 
 
 ' Capital ! capital! Persevere in your design, Mademoiselle; but mind, 
 the next time you consult me you must tell me the name of the young 
 man we are going to render happy in spite of himself/ 
 
 ' You shall have it without fail.' 
 
 A fortnight afterwards, the young person, more naive and candid 
 than ever, knocked discreetly at the door of her counsel's room. No 
 sooner was she within, than she flung- herself hastily into a chair, say- 
 ing- that she had mounted the stairs too rapidly, and that emotion made 
 her breathless. Her counsel endeavoured to re-assure her; and made 
 her inhale salts, and even proposed to unlace her garments. 
 
 * It is useless, monsieur/ said she, * I am much better.' 
 
 * Well, now, do tell the name of the fortunate mortal you are going 
 to espouse?' 
 
 * Are you very impatient to know it?' ' Exceedingly so.' 
 
 ' Well, then, the fortunate mortal, be it known to you, is yourself !' 
 said the young beauty, bursting into a laugh. * I love you; I have 
 been three times tete-a-tete with you, and my four witnesses are below, 
 ready and willing to accompany us to the magistrate,' gravely contin- 
 ued the narrator. 
 
 The lawyer, thus fairly caught, had the good sense not to get angry 
 The most singular fact of all is, that he adores his young wife, who, bv 
 the way, makes an excellent housekeeper. 
 
 A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION. 
 
 You ask me, love, how many times 
 
 I think of you a-day ; 
 I frankly answer, only once, 
 
 And mean, just what I say. 
 
 You seem perplex'd, and somewhat hurt, 
 But wait, and hear the rhyme : 
 
 Pray, how can one do more than once 
 What one does all the time f 
 
 ONE of the 14t!i was singularly lucky in what appeared a cnance 
 mode of saving his life, in one of the actions in which the regiment 
 was engaged. The drum beating to arms before he had finished . 
 his dinner, he thrust a piece of bacon, too precious a morsel'm such 
 precarious times to be wasted, into the breast pocket of his coat 
 Alter the battle was over, he discovered a bulletin the bacon , and 
 ever afterwards, when thankfully recounting the tale of his mirac 
 ulous escape, he used to say that he was doubly fortunate, for that 
 he had ' not only saved his bacon, but that his bacon had saved 
 him.' 
 
 B 
 
18 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 DIVISION OF TIME. ' Murphy, 'said an employer the other morn- 
 ing to one of his workmen, ' you came late this morning ; the other 
 men were an hour before you.' * Sure and I'll be even wit 'em to- 
 night, then/ ' How, Murphy ?' ' Why, faith, I'll quit an hour 
 before 'em all, sure.' 
 
 A LETTER WRITER. *I say, Pat, what are you writing there 
 in such a large hand?' "Arrah, honey, an' isn't it to my poor 
 mother, who is very deaf, that I'm writing a loud letther.' 
 
 CARRYING A MESSAGE. 'John,' said a man to his Dutch ser- 
 vant, 'go to Mr. Robin's house and tell him that if there is any 
 law in the land, I will prosecute him. Tell him not to bring his 
 dog here, for the animal is rabid ; and that if he comes here in my 
 absence to scold, and bawl, and pick quarrels, I will send for Mr, 
 Jarvis and have him taken care of.' John went and delivered his 
 message ' My master says that you sha'n't bring your dog to his 
 house, for he is a rabbit, and if you go there in a bow to pick squir- 
 rels, he will send you to the barber's and take your hair off.' 
 
 THE PRICE OF POSSESSIONS. A friend from childhood of 
 Marshal Lefevre, Duke of Dantzick, who had not run so brilliant 
 a career as himself, came to see him at Paris : the marshal received 
 him warmly, and lodged him in his hotel, when the friend could 
 not cease his exclamations upon the richness of the furniture, the 
 beauty of the apartments, the goodness of the table, always adding, 
 ' Oh ! how happy are you !' ' I see you are envious of what I have,' 
 said the marshal ; ' well, you shall have these things at a better 
 bargain than 1 had ; come into the court, I'll fire at you with a gun 
 twenty times, at thirty paces, and, if I don't kill you, all shall be 
 
 your own What! you won't! Very well ; recollect, then, that 
 
 I have been shot at more than a thousand times, and much nearer, 
 before I arrived where you found me.' 
 
 MILTON, when blind, married a shrew. The Duke of Buckin 
 gham called her a rose. ' I am no judge of colours,' replied Mil- 
 ton, ' but I dare say you are right, for 1 feel the thorns daily/ 
 
 FRIENDLY ADVICE. Never lend an umbrella, or your name to 
 a bill : the chances are the one will not be returned, and that the 
 other will. 
 
MEEEY COMPANION. 19 
 
 SIR ISAAC NEWTON AND VOLTAIRE ON RAILWAY TRAVELLING. 
 Sir Isaac Newton wrote a book upon the prophet Daniel, and 
 another upon the Book of Revelation ; in one of which he said 
 that, in order to fulfil certain prophecies before a certain date was 
 terminated namely, 1260 years there would be a mode of tra- 
 velling of which the men of his time had no conception ; nay, the 
 knowledge of mankind would be so increased, that they would be 
 able to travel at the rate of fifty miles an hour. Voltaire, who did 
 not believe in the inspiration of the Scriptures, got held of this, 
 and said : * Now look at that mighty mind of Newton, who dis- 
 covered gravity, and told us such marvels for us all to admire. 
 When he became an old man, and got into his dotage, he began 
 to study that book called the Bible ; and it seems that, in order to 
 credit its fabulous nonsense, we must believe that the knowledge 
 of mankind will be so increased, that we shall be able to travel at 
 the rate of fifty miles an hour. The poor dotard!' exclaimed the 
 philosophic infidel, Voltaire, in the self-complacency of his pity. 
 But who is the dotard now ? Rev. J. Craig. 
 
 RAILWAY TRAVELLING. 
 
 I vow I'll go, and it shall be so, and I've said it, Master Snip 
 This very day, come what come may, I'll have my railway trip, 
 There's Mistress King 1 has been to Tring-, and thinks herself so know- 
 ing-" 
 I'm tired of waiting- your debating, and it's time that we were g'oing. 
 
 Well, Duck, though I never did dabble in foreign parts, Law, 
 
 Ma ! how I shall squeal when the engine starts. For shame, 
 
 child! as to fear, it's nothing but a notion ; I declare I always 
 
 feel the better for a little motion. Pray, mister, do you call this 
 
 a first-class carriage because it goes double fast ? No, ma'am, it's 
 because we puts it behind to be blown up last. See, they're pull- 
 ing us along with a rope ! very odd upon my word. Vy, you can't 
 
 expect the hingins to go on their own ac-cord. But just look 
 
 round at Hampstead and Highgate, while they slacken their pace. 
 And see, they hook on the locomotive ! What's that, Pa ? A 
 
 thing they've a motive for hooking on at this place. Here's 
 
 Chalk Farm, where some run down a hill, and some run up a score ! 
 
 And there's the famous tunnel ! it looks like a bit of a bore. 
 
 Oh dear ! Oh dear! how dreadful dark ; I think I'm going to die. 
 And I'm so hot I can't say my prayers ! but here's the light of 
 
 the sky. See what a hole in my parasol, burn't by a red hot 
 
 spark ! I only wish I knew who it was that was kissing me in the 
 
20 MEERY COMPANION. 
 
 dark. Save ! I vender, Sare ! ven dey vill put on de horses to 
 
 draw ! Oh ! horses don't draw here, they're all hors d' emploi. 
 
 But how the hedges run past, and the trees and the bridges, 
 
 and the posts, and the cattle and the people! This is just like 
 
 ploughing the air. Yes, and there goes Harrow Steeple. On, 
 
 on we spin, with a clack and a din, like a mighty courser snorting, 
 blowing : Well, how do you like the railroad now ? Oh ! I think 
 
 it's the wonderful'st thing that's going. Ladies, here's Watford ; 
 
 we can stop if you've had enough of your ride ; But perhaps you'd 
 
 rather go on ; there's a long tunnel on the other side. Oh ! I'm 
 
 so frighted at the thought I can scarcely speak ! Gracious ! I'm 
 
 so delighted ! I hope we shall stay in for a week. Well, if that's 
 
 the case, as you came out for a little pleasure, I shall leave you at 
 the tunnel, and you can go through at your leisure. 
 
 RAILWAY RIDING. 
 
 Sing-ing 1 through the forests, 
 
 Rattling over ridges, 
 Shooting- under arches, 
 
 Rumbling 1 over bridges : 
 Whizzing" through the mountains, 
 
 Buzzing- o'er the vale 
 Bless me ! this is pleasant, 
 
 Riding* on a rail ! 
 
 DR. ABERNETHY once saved an Irishman's leg from being am- 
 putated, as the other doctors had recommended. The doctor was 
 afterwards going over the wards of the hospital with a number of 
 students, when the poor fellow, with all his country's eloquence, 
 poured out a torrent of thanks, making pantomimic displays of his 
 leg. 4 That's the leg, yer honor! Glory be to God ! Yer honor's 
 the boy to do it ! May the heavens be your bed ! Long life to yer 
 honor! To the divole with the spalpeens that said yer honor 
 would cut it off!' &c. With some difficulty the patient was got 
 into bed, and Abernethy took the opportunity of giving a clinical 
 lecture. Every sentence Abernethy uttered, Pat confirmed. 4 Thrue, 
 yer honor divole a lie in it! His honor's the grate docther in- 
 tirely !' While at the slightest allusion to his case, off' went the 
 bed-clothes, and up went the leg, as if he were taking aim at the 
 ceiling with it. ' That's it, by gorra ! and a bitther leg than the 
 villin's that wanted to cut it off 1 ' 
 
MERET COMPANION. 21 
 
 A MAN with a red face, and looking rather shabby, called at a 
 house in the country on Sunday, and asked for a drink of cider. 
 The good lady of thy house refused, telling him that she would 
 not. He urged, telling her that she bad better for some persons 
 had entertained angels unawares. 'Yes/ said she, 'I know that' 
 But angels don't go about drinking cider on Sunday !' 
 
 THACKERAY says a woman's heart is just like a lithographer's 
 stone what is once written upon it can't be rubbed out. This is 
 so. Let an heiress once fix her affections on a stable boy, and 
 all the preaching in the world \\ill not get her thoughts above 
 oat-boxes and curry-combs. ' What is \\ ritten on her heart can't 
 be rubbed out.' This fact shows itself not only in love, but in reli- 
 gion. Men change their gods a dozen times a woman never. 
 To convert a sister of charity to Methodism would require a 
 greater amount of power than you would have to make use of to 
 overturn the Pyramids. 
 
 A PERSIAN MERCHANT complaining heavily of some unjust 
 sentence, was told by the judge to go to the cadi. 'But the cadi 
 is youv uncle !' urged the plaintiff. ' Then you can go to the grand 
 vizier.' ' But his secretary is your cousin !' ' Then you may go 
 to the sultan !' ' But his favourite sultana is your niece !' * Well, 
 then, go to the devil!' 'Ah, that is a still closer family connec- 
 tion !' said the merchant, as he left the court in despair. 
 
 ANGELS AND SAINTS. Madame la Comtesse de D , one of 
 
 the wittiest women in Paris, had a daughter, who, by fasting, and 
 an over-strict exercise of the duties of the Catholic religion, seriously 
 injured her health. 'My dear child/ said her mother, 'you have 
 always been an .angel of goodness ! why endeavour to become a 
 saint P Do you want to sink in the world ?' 
 
 ABSENCE OF MIND. A Mr. Abner Bennett, of Buffalo, being 
 more than ' common tall/ and having held a long conversation with 
 a ' Jacky-thin soul' merchant there, actually at parting made a bow 
 to his cane in the corner, and, seizing the merchant by the head, 
 walked off with him instead of the stick. 
 
 MOCK TURTLE. Calling a husband 'my dear* in public, and 
 ' you brute' in private. 
 
22 MEftRY COMPANION. 
 
 A COMPARISON. ' Jack,' said a gay young fellow to his com- 
 panion, ' what possibly can induce those two old snuff-taking dow- 
 agers to be here to-night at the ball ? I am sure they will not add 
 in the least to the brilliancy of the scene.' 'Pardon me,' replied 
 the other gravely, ' for not agreeing with you, but for my part I 
 really think that where there are so many lights of beauty, there 
 may be some occasion for a pair of snuffers.'' 
 
 HOLDING A HORSE. 'Here, fellow hold this horse.' 'Dues 
 he kick ?'' Kick ! No! Take hold of him/ ' Does he bite?' 
 4 Bite ! No ! Take hold of the bridle, I say !' ' Does it take two 
 to hold ?' ' No !' ; Then hold him yourself.' 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF A TRUMPETER. 
 
 A student in one of the academies in Fiance was spending- his vaca- 
 tion at the house of one of his relations, whom we will call Madame 
 
 T , She was a very captivating woman beautiful, witty, and, 
 
 withal, a widow. 
 
 At the close of a pleasant autumnal evening, this young- man and 
 his cousin, for so Madame T. v/as, returned to her mansion after along 
 and probably very pleasant walk. 
 
 It happened that during' the absence of the lady of the house, the 
 nook had invited a relation of hers, who was a trumpeter in the hussars, 
 and besides, fond of good living, never refusing a chance at a good 
 meal to spend a sociable hour with her. Our couple were, therefore, ta- 
 ken by surprise at the return of madame, especially as there was but one 
 way of exit from the house. The cook, therefore, as quickly as possi- 
 bly, hid all that she could which might expose them; the only trouble 
 was, what to do with the unfortunate trumpeter; and after finding 
 every closet and cupboard too small, she advised him to hide under the 
 bed of Madame T., which seemed to be the only safe place of refuge. 
 
 Madame T. soon retired to her room after having bade good-night 
 to her cousin, and just putting on her * robe de nuit,' when she beheld, 
 upon suddenly turning round, our student upon his knees in the 
 same position that Jean Jaques made his silent declaration to Madame 
 Basile. 
 
 "Good Heavens!" exclaimed Madame T., perfectly astonished, 
 "what, cousin, are you doing here? Go away immediately; what 
 would be said if it were known that you were in my chamber at this 
 hour ? Consider your situation and my own." 
 
 "My dear cousin," replied the student, almost, if not entirely be- 
 side himself, " I cannot help loving you, and no human power can 
 force me hence even till the last trumpet shall sound.* 
 
MEKET COMPANION. 23 
 
 At these words our trumpeter, with some considerable effort to be 
 sure, put his instrument to his mouth arid sounded the charge : Terra, 
 la, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta 
 
 Madame T. screamed, the student fled, and in the midst of the gen- 
 eral confusion the trumpeter reached his post, from which he had had 
 leave of absence for a short time. The affair, however, soon became 
 known to the officers ; and the next day, as Mons. R., colonel of the 
 hussars, was amusing 1 the ladies, during one of his morning 1 visits, with 
 his many stories, a friend requested him to relate the adventure and 
 the mishap ; he did so. 
 
 'Tell us the names! tell us the names!' exclaimed the ladies in a 
 breath, being' desirous to obtain any new piece of scandal. 
 
 * Upon my word, ladies,' replied the colonel, ' I am entirely ignorant 
 of them; but I would have given the world to have seen the face of 
 the lady at the moment; it must have presented a very ridiculous ap- 
 pearance.' 
 
 * Not half so ridiculous as the student's did !' replied a soft female 
 voice. 
 
 One can hardly imagine with what shouts of laughter this involun- 
 tary confession of Madame T. was received, thus acknowledging her- 
 self to be the heroine of ' The Last Trump.' 
 
 THE PLEASURE OF READING THE DAILY 
 NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 Oh, the pleasures of reading are 
 
 all smoke and vapour, 
 Unless 'tis of reading the daily 
 
 newspaper, 
 
 That, indeed, is a mental repast, 
 Oh, ye gods ! how I like, as I sup 
 
 down my tea, 
 The Chronicle, Post, Times, or 
 
 Herald to see 
 'Tis a pleasure that ca'nt be sur- 
 
 past : 
 
 As the eyes rove along, 
 What a various throng, 
 Of articles, charming, 
 Pleasing, alarming, 
 Fill the breast with a sweet palpi- 
 tation ; 
 
 Of accounts from Spain 
 Turks defeated again, 
 And fables fresh from every na- 
 tion ; 
 Accounts from Portugal and 
 
 Prussia, 
 
 Turkey, Austria, and Russia ; 
 With all the common council 
 
 say, 
 A fine green turtle dress'd to 
 
 day; 
 Faujc-pas in high life, and crim 
 
 con, 
 
 My lady with her footman John; 
 Elopements, weddings, loving 
 
 words, 
 Divorce bills in the house of 
 
 lords ; 
 
 Suicide and lottery puffers, 
 Gas-lights and patent-snuffers ; 
 Births, and deaths, extraordi- 
 nary, 
 Notice, that my wife, call'd 
 
 Mary, 
 
 Has run off on some little pets, 
 And I, John Cole, wo'nt pay he.r 
 
 debts. 
 
MEEET COMPANION 
 
 Going 1 on a little further 
 
 Long 1 account of horrid murder: 
 
 Balls and routs in Portman- 
 equare, 
 
 And masquerades, the Lord 
 knows where ; 
 
 With all, in short, you can de- 
 sire, 
 
 Enlivened with a dreadful fire, 
 
 Quacking- doctors, barking 
 Proctors ; 
 
 Money lenders blacking ven- 
 ders ; 
 
 Pidcock's monkies ladies don- 
 kies, 
 
 Daring- robberies early straw- 
 berries ; 
 
 Watering- places poney races: 
 
 Farn'd Decoction sales b^ auc- 
 tion ; 
 
 Surprising- pills cure all ills: 
 
 Runaway tailors Vauxhall 
 galas, 
 
 Famous catches walking 
 matches ; 
 
 Wanted to lend, and puffs with- 
 out end. 
 
 Dancing' taught hops caught 
 
 Co vent garden Mrs. Cardyn 
 
 Miss O'Neal make you feel; 
 
 Drury-lane Kean again; 
 
 New wigs rum riggs ; 
 
 Old stories rank tories ; 
 
 Scale jokes new Hoax; 
 
 Price of Stocks Dutch clocks; 
 
 Fresh eggs wooden legs ; 
 
 Bow-street Bench Fleet ; 
 
 Teeth drawn fine lawn ; 
 
 Law report Chancery Court ; 
 
 Strange wagers old stagers ; 
 
 Want places Epsom races ; 
 
 Ship news cheap shoes: 
 
 Common pleas great fees ; 
 
 New books old cooks ; 
 
 Coalition exhibition ; 
 
 Situation education ; 
 
 Abdication emigration ; 
 
 Pills, bills law, flaw; 
 
 Mayor, stare plays, bays; 
 
 Snuffs, Puffs hoax, jokes ; 
 
 Bawls, squall 
 Oh, the pleasure of reading are all 
 
 smoke and vapour, 
 Unless 'tis the reading a daily 
 
 newspaper, a daily newspaper. 
 
 THE SCARLET FEVER. During the legal absence of Mr. 
 Campbell, (now Sir John Campbell,) on his matrimonial trip with 
 the ci-devant Miss Scarlett, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a 
 cause was called on in the Bench, ' 1 thought, Mr. Brougham, that 
 Mr. Campbell was in this case.' 'Yes, my lord/ replied Mr. 
 Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own ; ' he was, 
 my lord, but I understand he is ill.' ; I am sorry to hear that, 
 Mr. Brougham,' said the judge taking snuff. 'My lord,' replied 
 Mr. Brougham, ' it is whispered here that the cause of my learned 
 friend's absence is the Scarlet fever/ 
 
 A FRIEND IN NEED. A gentleman, * unaccustomed to public 
 speaking,' becoming embarrassed, whispered to his friend, 'Quick, 
 quick, give give me a word !' upon which the other replied, ' Yes, 
 yes : what word do you want ?> 
 
MEERY COMPANION. 25 
 
 MILITARY PUNISHMENTS. A military correspondent of the 
 Times tells a story, showing how soldiers can be kept in order 
 without flogging. I had in my company a man whose name was 
 Conolly a clean, smart, good-humoured, and hrave soldier ; hut 
 he had an inveterate passion for selling his shoes. One evening 
 my pay-sergeant came to me, and said: * Conolly has sold another 
 pair of shoes.' My answer was : 'Parade the company to-morrow 
 morning, at six o' clock, without arms, and in fatigue jackets but 
 let Conolly parade in heavy marching order, but no shoes/ I 
 marched the company out on the road four miles and back, poor 
 Conolly all the way under the laughter of the men ; while his only 
 remark was : ' Faith and truth, the captain has the right way of it ! v 
 He never sold another shoe, and he escaped with sore feet, but a 
 sound back. This was part of a system, and the writer says : 'If 
 I could do this successfully with 120 rank and file as a company, 
 with 900 as a regiment, I think 100,000 might be governed in the 
 same way. Let officers young men remember that if a soldier 
 gets twenty-five lashes with a cat-o'nine-tails he is a marked man 
 for life, and dare not take off his shirt, for fear of showing his shame.' 
 
 BUONAPARTIANA. 
 (Translated from various French Authorities.) 
 
 "WHAT a period was that, in which the all powerful will of the man- 
 who now sleeps the sleep of death on the rock of St. Helena, assembled, 
 as if by a stroke of the wand, emperors, king's, and most of the gran- 
 dees of the earth!. ...Napoleon had called to Erfurth the principal 
 actors of the French theatre: Talma, Mille. Duchesnois, Mille. Mars, 
 the captivating 1 Georges, the ' charrnante' Bourgoin, appeared several 
 times in the course of a week to play their finest parts before the august 
 assembly; and a little theatre that had been found in the ancient col- 
 leg-e of the Jesuits had been fitted up with a promptitude and elegance 
 really French. 
 
 Immediately before the stage were placed two arm-chairs for the 
 two emperors, and on either side, common chairs for the king's and the 
 reigning 1 princes. The space behind these seats began to fill rapidly 
 (says Mme. de Schopenhaner) ; we saw statesmen and generals from 
 most of the powers of Europe enter, men whose names were then cele- 
 brated and have since become historical. There were Berthier, Soult, 
 Cttulaincourt, Savary, Larmes, Duroc, and many others equally 
 renowned ; it appeared as if the greatness of the master was reflected 
 on the features of each : Goethe with his calm and dignified phisiog- 
 iiomy, and the venerable Wieland, the Grand Duke of Weimar had 
 called them to Erfurth. The Duke of Gotha and several German prin- 
 ces grouped round the two veterans of German literature. 
 
26 MEEET COMPANION. 
 
 A rolling- of the drums was heard, ' It is the Emperor!' said every- 
 one. ' Fools, what are you about ?' cried the drum-major ; ' don't you 
 see it is but a king-?' And, effectively, it was a German sovereign who 
 entered the saloon ; and three other king's soon after made their appear- 
 ance. It was without noise, without any show at all, that the King's 
 of Saxony, Bavaria, and Wirtemberg, entered ; the King- of Westpha- 
 lia, who came later, eclipsed them all by the splendour of his rich em- 
 broidery and jewels. The Emperor Alexander with his majestic figure 
 came next. The grand box, in front of the stage, dazzled one's eyes 
 with the glittering' brilliancy it threw around. The queen of West- 
 phalia, covered with diamonds, was seated in the centre; and, near 
 her, the charming- Stephanie, grand duchess of Baden, attracted atten- 
 tion more by her captivating graces than by her dress. A few German 
 princesses were seated near the reigning- ones ; the gentlemen and la- 
 dies of their court occupying the back part of the box. 
 
 Just at this moment, Talleyrand appeared in a sort of box, contrived 
 for him on a level with the parquet, because the infirmity of his feet 
 did not allow him to sit in the parquet itself. The emperor and the 
 kings stood conversing with the minister who was comfortably seated. 
 Everybody was at the rendezvous; he, alone, who had convoked all 
 these grandees was missing he made them wait some time. 
 
 At length another rolling- of the drums was heard, but much louder 
 than the first ; all eyes were directed with an anxious curiosity towards 
 the entrance-door. He appeared at last, this most extraordinary man 
 of that inconceivable epoch. Dressed in the most simple manner, as 
 usual, he slightly bowed to the sovereigns present, whom he had kept 
 waiting- so long, and filled the chair on the right of the Emperor Alex- 
 ander. The four kings took their seats in the chairs without backs, 
 and the spectacle began. 
 
 Immediately after the performance of the trag-edy, which he had 
 seen acted some hundreds of times, Napoleon, having 1 made himself 
 quite comfortable in his chair, fell asleep. Every one knows that it 
 depended entirely on his will to sleep, and that he always awoke at the 
 time he appointed. On that day he had fatigued himself exercising 
 troops in the country for several hours together. It was a singular 
 spectacle to see the man, on whose nod hung the fate of nations, thus 
 given up to a peaceful slumber. 
 
 MORE ABOUT KISSING. The World of this week says that when 
 a Bergen girl gets kissed, she very calmly remarks, ' Hans, tat ish 
 good ;' and when a Black Island girl receives a buss, she exclaims, 
 with considerable animation, ' Well, John, you've wiped my chaps 
 off beautiful/ New York Evening Star. 
 
 4 Sambo, what am your 'pinion ob rats ? ' * Why, I tink de one 
 dat hab de shortest tail will get in de hole de quickest.' 
 
MEK11Y COMPANION. 27 
 
 A YOUNG gentleman who was in the act of popping the question 
 to a young lady, was interrupted by the father entering the room, 
 who inquired what they were about. ' Oh,' replied the fair one, 
 
 4 Mr. was just explaining the question of annexation to me, 
 
 and he is for immediate annexation.' ' Well,' said papa, ' if you 
 can agree on a treaty, I'll ratify it.' 
 
 A CELEBRATED Evangelical preacher once told us (Liverpool 
 Albion), pleasantly, that when he was unmarried the young ladies 
 of his congregation were indefatigable in hemming cravats, hand- 
 kerchiefs, &c., for him ; but, he added, with marked emphasis, 
 ' Since I have had a wife I have not even had one to do it for me. 
 
 WELCOME AT AN INN. The following lines were written by the 
 poet Shenstone on the window of an inn at Henley-on-Thames: 
 
 Whoe'er has travell'd life's dull round, 
 Where'er his sttig-es may have been, 
 
 Must sigh to think he still has found 
 The warmest welcome at an inn. 
 
 A wag, observing the lines, wrote beneath them the following verse . 
 
 Whoe'er has travell'd much about, 
 
 Must very often Gig-h to think, 
 That every host will turn you out 
 
 Unless you've plenty of the cshink. 
 
 CARDINAL POINTS FOR A DRUNKARD. The five cardinal points 
 for a drunkard are a face of brass, nerves of steel, lungs of leather, 
 a heart of stone, and an incombustible liver. 
 
 A worthy citizen of Kentucky, sitting, for the first time, at the 
 great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel in New York, took up 
 the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its, to him, un- 
 known dishes ' Soupe a la flamande ' * Soupe a la Creci ' ' Lan- 
 gue de BceufPiquee' 'Pieds de Cochon a la Ste. Menehould' 
 'Pates de Sanglier* 'Pates a la Gelee de volailles' ' Les 
 Cannelons de Creme glacee.' It was too much for his simple heart. 
 Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the 
 waiter, 4 1 guess I shall go back to first principles give us some 
 beans and bacon !' 
 
28 MEllEY COMPANION. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, taking an apartment, said to the landlady, *I 
 assure you, ma'am, I never left a lodging but my landlady' shed 
 tears/ ' I hope, sir,' said she, 'it was not because you went away 
 without paying.* 
 
 A YANKEE journal states, that there is a man in Vermont who 
 is so tall that he cannot tell when his toes are cold ! This is prob- 
 ably the person who never allows his servant to sit up for him, as 
 he can put his arm down the chimney to unbolt the street door. 
 
 ' SISTER, are you happy ?' ' Yes, deacon, I feel as though I was 
 in Beelzebub's bosom.' c Not in Beelzebub's!' * Well, some one 
 of the patriarch's ; I don't care which.' 
 
 AN Englishman observed a stone roll down a staircase. It 
 humped on every stair till it came to the bottom ; there of course, 
 it rested. * That stone.' said he, resembles the national debt of my 
 country ; it has bumped on every grade of the community, but its 
 weight rests on the lowest.' 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY CAPTURE. The Hampshire Independent 
 makes merry at the expense of a contemporary, at whose office, it 
 is alleged, the following telegraphic despatch was found posted up : 
 'Great Naval Victory gained by the combined fleets of England 
 and France ! The British and French fleets have just captured 
 the Dardanelles, and sent them prisoners to Malta ! The City of 
 Constantinople has been illumined in honour of the victory.' 
 
 ONE famous for hunting up enigmas, philosophised thus : * What 
 strange creatures girls are. Offer one of them .q;ood wages to work 
 for you, and ten chances to one if the old woman can spare any 
 of her girls but just propose matrimony, and see if they don't 
 jump at the chance of working a lifetime for their victuals and 
 clothes?' A queer way of estimating things. 
 
 If you wish to know whether a clergyman is really good or not, 
 don't consult his congregation, but his servant girl. If a man lias 
 the det'il in him, there is nothing that will so promptly bring it out 
 as a badly-cooked sirloin. It is not the pulpit that tries a man's 
 piety, but his kitchen-range. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 29 
 
 Do not trust thy body with a physician. He'll make thy fool- 
 ish bones go without flesh in a fortnight, and thy soul walk without 
 a body a se'nnight after. Shirley. 
 
 A SERENADE. 
 
 The sun has sunk in the crimson west, 
 
 The twilight hour is o'er, 
 And the rnoon displays her silvery crest. 
 
 Where the fleecy cloudlets soar. 
 The midnight stars in beauty peep 
 
 From their emerald of blue; 
 Oh ! lady awake ! shake off dull sleep, 
 
 And wander the wild woods thro'. 
 
 The zephyrs are kissing- each dewy flower 
 
 Which sparkles on the lea; 
 And the ivy which clings to the festoon' d bower, 
 
 Reminds my soul of thee ! 
 The nightingale in the shady grove 
 
 Pours forth its midnight lay 
 Oh ! lady awake ! smile on thy love, 
 
 And wander with him away ! 
 
 'Tis sweet in the stillness of night to wreathe 
 
 Love's garland fresh and pure; 
 'Tis sweet in that silent hour to breathe 
 
 Fond vows that shall endure ! 
 Hark! lady, hark! from the distant wood 
 
 Soft voices call for thee ; 
 Oh ! leave thy chamber's solitude, 
 
 And wander forth with me ! 
 
 A FORTUNE-TELLER. A fortune-teller was arrested at his 
 theatre of divination, alfresco, at the corner of the Kue de Bussy, 
 in Paris, and carried before the tribunal of correctional police. 
 ' You know to read the future ?' said the president, a man of great 
 wit, but t(?o fond of a joke for a magistrate. ' 1 do, M. le President,' 
 replied the sorcerer. 'In this case,' said the judge, 'you know the 
 judgment we intend to pronounce.' 'Certainly/ 'Well, what will 
 happen to you ?* 'Nothing.' 'You are sure of it?' 'You will 
 acquit me.' 'Acquit you!' 'There is no doubt of it.' ' Why ?' 
 ' Because, sir, if it had been your intention to condemn me, you 
 would not have added irony to misfortune.' The president, dis- 
 concerted, turned to his brother judges, and the sorcerer was 
 acquitted. 
 
30 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A BROTHE a critic tells an author that ' although a certain volume 
 shows neither sound criticism, brilliant style, nor deep research, it 
 may yet k be made useful, if not ornamental.' ' I saw an excel- 
 lent thi^g in your last essay,' said O'Connell to a pamphleteer who 
 was dull enough to have written the 'Lives of the Laureates.' 
 ' What was it ? what was it ?' eagerly cried Scriblerus. ' It was 
 a mutton pie !' replied the other. 
 
 To MAKE HOME HAPPY. Six things are requisite. Integ- 
 rity must be the architect, tidiness the upholsterer. It must be 
 warmed by affection, lighted up with cheerfulness ; and industry 
 must be the ventilator, renewing the atmosphere, and bringing in 
 fresh salubrity day by day ; while, over all, as a protecting canopy 
 and glory, nothing will suffice except the blessing of God. 
 
 CUBE FOR QUINSEY. 
 
 DR. Radeliffe was remarkable for his expediency in all extraor- 
 dinary cases He was once sent for into the country, to a gentle- 
 man who was dangerously ill of a quinsey ; and perceiving that 
 no application, external or internal, would be of any service, he 
 desired the lady of the house to order the cook to make a large 
 hasty-pudding ; and when it was done, to let his own servants 
 bring it up. While the cook was getting the pudding ready, he 
 took his men aside and instructed them what to do. In a short 
 time up came the pudding, piping hot, and was set upon the table 
 in full view of the patient. ' Come, 'John and Dick,' said the doc- 
 tor, ' you love hasty-pudding, eat this as quick as possible, for I 
 believe you both came out this morning without your breakfasts/ 
 Both then commenced operations with their spoons; but John's 
 dipping twice for Dick's once, Dick took occasion to quarrel with 
 him, and threw a spoonful of the hot hasty-pudding in his face. 
 This John immediately resented by returning the compliment in 
 nearly a double dose, which almost blinded Dick, and so exasper- 
 ated him, that he took the pudding by hand fuls and pelted his 
 fallow servant, who battled him again in the same manner. The 
 patient, who had been an eye-witness to this hasty rencontre between 
 Radcliffe's men, could not refrain from the most hearty burst of 
 laughter : so much, in fine, was his fancy tickled, that the quinsey 
 burst and discharged its contents. Radcliffe completed the cure ; 
 and both the servants were amply rewarded after the joke had had 
 its effect.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 31 
 
 DIBUIN hart a horse which he called Graphy. 'Very odd 
 name !' said Oxhury. ' Not at all,' responded Tom ; ' when I 
 bought him it was Buy-a-Graphy ; when I mount him it's Top-o- 
 Graphy ; and when I want him to go, it's Gee-ho-Gmphy? 
 
 SAMIVIL, SAMIVIL, bevare of the vimmin that reads no news- 
 papers ! Your father married a voman that read none, and you're 
 the sad consequence! You're as h ignorant as a 'orse. H ignorant 
 people say it's throwing away money to take papers, and foolin' 
 away time to read 'em.' Sam Slick. 
 
 I MUST tell you a good story which is very apropos here. An 
 old lady in Cincinnati had a quantity of bacon to ship to New 
 Orleans, where she was going herself to buy supplies. She stipu- 
 lated with the captain of a steamer that he should have her freight, 
 provided he would not race during the trip. The captain consen- 
 ted, and the old lady came aboard. After the second day out, ano- 
 ther steamer was seen close astern, with which the captain had been 
 racing all the time, and would every now and then come up to the 
 old lady's boat, and then fall back again. The highest excitement 
 prevailed among the passengers, as the two boats continued for 
 nearly a day almost side by side. At last, the old lady, partaking 
 of the excitement, called the captain and said, ' Captain, you aint 
 agoin' to let that thai 1 old boat pass us, are you?' * Why, I shall 
 have to, madam, as I agreed not to race.' 'Well, you can just try 
 it a little, that wont hurt.' ' But madam, to tell you the truth, I 
 did.' 'Gracious! but do try it a little more ; see, the old boat is 
 almost even with us' and a loud cheer arose from the passengers 
 on the ' old boat.' ' I can't raise any more steam, madam, as all 
 the tar and pine-knots are burnt up. 7 ' Good gracious! what shall 
 we do ? See, the old boat is passing us. Is there nothing else on 
 board that will make steam !' 4 Nothing, madam eh, eh' (as if a 
 new idea struck him), 4 except your bacon.' ' Throw in the bacon !' 
 shrieked the old lady ; ' throw in the bacon, captain, and beat the 
 old boat !' American Paper. 
 
 AN INTELLIGENT CRITIC. Booth's Othello was much liked 
 in America. An old Yankee, who had never seen a play, was 
 taken to witness Booth's performance of the Moor ; and on being 
 asked, at the termination of the piece, if he liked it, he replied, 
 ' Yes, amazing ; but cus me if I don't guess that little nigger 
 (Othello) played as well as any o' the white fellors if not better !' 
 
32 ME RET COMPANION". 
 
 THE REV. ROBERT HALL AND A DULL BROTHER. A min- 
 ister preaching* a sermon one afternoon for Mr. Hall, (who had 
 performed service in the morning), which was ludicrous and tri- 
 fling, while Hall's was solemn, instructive, and energetic ; at the 
 close of the day hoth parties met round the social hearth. Mr. 
 Hall became lively and extremely amusing. ' Brother Hall, 1 said 
 the old gentleman, ' I am surprised at you/ ' Surprised at me, 
 sir ; surprised at me, sir. Why are you surprised at me ?' ' Why, 
 brother Hall, it appears inconsistent for you to indulge in frivolous 
 conversation, after delivering so serious a discourse.' * Indeed, 
 sir,' replied Mr, Hall, ' I don't think I am by any means incon- 
 sistent, sir ; the truth is, brother , I keep my nonsense for the 
 
 fireside, while you publish yours from the pulpit.' 
 
 THE LAST FISH STORY. 
 
 We don't know who wrote the folio wing wonderful narrative, but 
 the author is certainly a man of rare faculties. It is said to have 
 been taken from the logbook of a vessel which arrived in New 
 York ; but the reader is not called upon to believe it unless he 
 pleases, 
 
 In the course of the voyage, that dreadful disease, ship fever, 
 broke out among the crew. One of the sailors, among the first 
 victims, was accompanied by his son, a lad of fourteen years, who 
 was strongly attached to his father, and remained with him day 
 and night, and never could be persuaded to leave his sick father 
 for a moment. 
 
 A large shark was seen every day following the vessel, evidently 
 for the purpose of devouring any one who should die and be com- 
 mitted to the deep. 
 
 After lingering a few days, the sailor died. As was the custom 
 at sea, he was sewed up in a blanket, and for the purpose of sinking 
 him an old grindstone and a carpenter's axe were put in with him. 
 The very impressive service of the Episcopal Church was then read, 
 and the body committed to the deep. 
 
 The poor boy, who had watched the proceedings closely, plunged 
 in after his father, when the enormous shark swallowed them both. 
 The second day after this dreadful scene, as the shark continued 
 to follow the vessel for there were others sick in the ship owe of 
 the sailors proposed, as they had a shark hook on board, to make 
 an effort to take him. 
 
 They fastened the hook to a long rope, and baited it with a pieco 
 of pork, threw it into the sea, and the shark instantly swallowed it. 
 
ME llll Y COMPANION. 33 
 
 Having thus hooked him, by means of a windlass they hoisted him 
 on board. After he was dead they prepared to open him, when 
 one of the sailors, stooping down for that purpose, suddenly paused, 
 and after listening 1 a few moments, declared most solemnly he 
 heard a low guttural sound, which appeared to proceed from the 
 shark. The sailors, after enjoying a hearty laugh at his expense, 
 proceeded to listen for themselves, when they were compelled to 
 admit they heard a similar sound. They then proceeded to open 
 the shark, when the mystery was explained. 
 
 It appears the sailor was not dead, but in a trance ; and his son, 
 on making this discovery when inside the shark, had, by means of 
 a knife, ripped open the blanket. Having thus liberated his father, 
 they both went to work and righted up the old grindstone the boy 
 was turning, the father was holding on to the old ship carpenter's 
 axe, sharpening it for the purpose of cutting their way out of their 
 Jonah-like prison, which occasioned the noise heard by the sailor. 
 As it was the hottest season of the year, and very little air stirring 
 where they were at work, they were both sweating tren 
 
 THE EXCISEMAN OUTWITTED. 
 
 An exciseman once in taking his round, 
 
 Call'd at a, friends for a whet ; 
 After chatting- awhile he soon found, 
 
 What he thought would prove lish to his net. 
 
 It appears that the good dame had let out, 
 (The biter she thought should be bit,) 
 
 That her cellar was half full of liquor. 
 Which came there without a permit. 
 
 The exciseman without more ado, 
 
 To make his day's journey the shorter, 
 
 Groping down to the cellar his way, 
 Soused up to the middle in water. 
 
 Having 1 groped his way out as he could, 
 
 Perhaps it is needless to say, 
 He did not feel greatly inclined, 
 
 To carry the liquor away. 
 
 LITTLE PEOPLE. The littler folks be, the bigger they talk. 
 You never seed a small man that didn't wear high heeled boots 
 and a high crowned hat, and that wara't ready to light almost any 
 one, to show he was a man every inch of him. Sam Slick. 
 
 C 
 
34 MERHY COMPANION. 
 
 THE CUT DIRECT. A Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady 
 of some attractions, and something of a fortune into the bargain. 
 After a liberal arrangement had been made for the young lady by 
 her father, Mr. Mewins demanded a little brown mare, to which 
 he had taken a particular fancy, and this being positively refused, 
 the match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties ac- 
 cidentally met at a country ball ; Mr. Mewins was quite willing 
 to renew the engagement ; the lady appeared not to have the 
 slightest recollection of him. * Surely you have not forgotten me?' 
 said he.' ' What name, sir?' she inquired. 4 Mewins,' he replied ; 
 * I had the honour of paying my addresses to you about two years 
 ago.' ' I remember a person of that came/ she rejoined, 4 who 
 paid his addresses to my father's broivn mare.' 
 
 FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips 
 to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever 
 been at Cork. ' No, sir,' replied Foote, ' but I have seen many 
 drawings of it/ 
 
 REAL TRAGEDY. The history of Sweden records a very extra- 
 ordinary incident, which took place at the representation of the 
 Mystery of the Passion, under King John II., in 1513. The ac- 
 tor who performed the part of Longinus, the soldier, who was to 
 pierce the Christ on the cross in the side, was so transported with 
 the spirit of the action, that he really killed the man who person- 
 ated our Lord ; who falling suddenly, and with great violence, 
 overthrew the actress who represented the holy mother. King 
 John, who was present at this spectacle, was so enraged against 
 Longinus, that he leaped on the stage and struck of his head. The 
 spectators, who had been delighted with the too violent actor, be- 
 came infuriated against their king, fell upon him in a throng, and 
 killed him. 
 
 FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in 
 rich men's houses, aud rich men never to be seen in those of the 
 learned. ' Why,' said he, ' the first know what they want, but the 
 latter do not/ 
 
 FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman 
 asked, 4 Why he hated that nation so much/ ' You are mistaken/ 
 said Foote, * I dont hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but 
 I would have everything keep to its native element/ 
 
MEKRY COMPANION. 35 
 
 AMONGST the private instructions to me by Buonaparte, (says 
 M. de Bourrienne,) was the following rather singular order : 'At 
 night/ said he, ' you will enter my bed-chamber as seldom as 
 possible. Never awaken me when you have good news to an- 
 nounce: with good news there is no necessity to hurry. When, 
 on the contrary, you are the depositary of evil tidings, rouse me 
 instantly ; for on such occasions there is not a moment to be lost.' 
 
 COLONEL CROCKETT'S fondness for fun gave rise to many anec- 
 dotes ; among others I have heard this : Colonel Crockett, while 
 on an electioneering trip, fell in at a gathering, and it became 
 necessary for him to treat the company. His finances were rather 
 low, having but one coon skin about him ; however, he pulled it 
 out, slapped it down on the counter, and called for its value in whis- 
 key. The merchant measured out the whiskey and threw the skin 
 into the loft. The colonel, observing the logs very open, took out 
 his ramrod, and, upon the merchant turning his back, twisted his 
 'coon skin out and pocketed it: when more whiskey was wanted, 
 the same skin was pulled out, slapped upon the counter, and its 
 value called for. This trick was played until they were all tired 
 of drinking. 
 
 BENSLEY'S WIG. One evening at the Dublin Theatre, when 
 Bensley came on for his first soliloquy in Richard the Third, a 
 nail at the wing caught the tail of his majestic wig, and, dismount- 
 ing his hat, suspended the former in the air. An Irish gallery 
 know how to laugh, even in tragedy. Bensley caught his hat as 
 it fell by a feather, and replacing it on his head, ' shorn of its 
 beams/ advanced to the front, and commenced his soliloquy, 
 amidst a volley of importunities to resume his wig. 4 Mr. Bens- 
 ley, my darling, put on your jasey bad luck to your politics will 
 you suffer a whig (wig) to be hung ?' &c. The tragedian, however, 
 considering that such an act would have compromised, in some 
 measure, his dukely dignity, continued his meditations in despite 
 of their advice, and stalked off at the conclusion as he stalked on. 
 An underling then made his appearance, and released his captured 
 hair, with which he exited in pursuit of Richard, to as loud a 
 demonstration of approval as Richard himself. 
 
 ' I SAY, Jim, what mechanical work did you first do?* said one 
 darkey to another. ' Why, why, cut teeth, ob course/ replied the 
 other. 
 
86 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 SHORTLY after Buonaparte's elevation to the imperial throne, 
 meeting his mother in the gardens of St. Cloud, he, halt' playfully, 
 half seriously, held out his hand for her to kiss. She flung it back 
 indignantly, and presenting her own, in the presence of his suite, 
 said, * It is your duty to kiss the hand of her who gave you life.* 
 We observed, (says Lady Morgan,) on visiting this illustrious 
 lady, pictures of all her handsome children in the room she occu- 
 pied (and where we generally found her spinning, with her prayer 
 book beside her ;) there were four of them when they sat for her, 
 with the emperor, their brother, at their head ; namely, the kings 
 of Spain, Holland, Westphalia, and Naples (her son-in-law, Mu- 
 rat). ' You see,' she said one day, as I was looking on Napol- 
 eon's picture, fc when my son Napoleon sat for me, I made him 
 lay aside his crown.' 
 
 A PRETTY LITTLE MAIDEN. 
 
 A pretty little maiden bad a pretty little dream, 
 
 A pretty little wedding was its pretty little theme ; 
 
 A pretty little bachelor to win her favour tried, 
 
 And asked her how she'd like to be his pretty little bride. 
 
 With some pretty little blushes, aud a pretty little sig-h, 
 And some pretty little glances from her pretty little eye, 
 With a pretty little face behind her pretty little fan, 
 She smiled on the proposals of this pretty little man. 
 
 Some pretty little Moves,' and some pretty little 'dears,' 
 Some pretty little smiles, and some pretty little tears, 
 Some pretty little present, and a pretty little kiss, 
 Were the pretty little preludes to some pretty little bliss. 
 
 This pretty little lady and her pretty little spark 
 Met the pretty little parson and his pretty little clerk 
 A pretty little wedding-ring- united them for life, 
 A pretty little husband had a pretty little wife. 
 
 COOKE was announced one evening to play the Stranger at the 
 Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks 
 of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures ; this, by 
 the generality of the audience, was called vine acting ; but those 
 who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly un- 
 der the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with 
 difficulty he pronounced ' Yonder hut yonder hut/ pointing to 
 
ME RUT COMPANION". 37 
 
 the cottage ; then beating 1 his breast, and striking his forehead, he 
 paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this 
 was taken as the chef d'ceuvre of fine acting, and was followed by 
 loud plaudits, and ' Bravo, bravo !' At length he cast many a men- 
 acing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave 
 him the word, he came forward, and with overacted feeling, thus 
 addressed the audience: ' You are a mercantile people you know 
 the value of money a thousand pounds, myall, lent to serve a 
 friend, is lost for ever. My son too pardon the feelings of a pa- 
 rent m y only son as brave a youth as ever fought his country's 
 battles, is slain not many hours ago I received the intelligence, 
 but, thank God, he died in the defence of his king !' Plere his 
 feelings became so powerful, that they choked his utterance, and, 
 with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst 
 the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situa- 
 tion. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed 1000 in his life, 
 nor had he ever the honour of being a father; but too much in- 
 toxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only 
 way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the 
 business was that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another 
 actor played his part. 
 
 THE BRITISH STENTOR. The most powerful voice in the 
 country is that of the man who can utter most money. 
 
 'I WONDER what makes my eyes so weak,' said a loafer to a 
 gentleman. 'Why, they are in a weak place,' said the latter. 
 
 A MISER being dead, and fairly interred, came to the banks of 
 the river Styx, desiring to be ferried over along with the other 
 ghosts. Charon demanded his fare, and was surprised to see the 
 miser, rather than pay it, throw himself into the river and swim 
 over to the other side, notwithstanding all the clamour and oppo- 
 sition that could be made to him. All Tartarus was in an uproar ; 
 and each of the judges was meditating some punishment suitable 
 to a crime of such dangerous consequence to the infernal revenues. 
 44 Shall he be chained to the rock along with Prometheus ? or trem- 
 ble below the precipice in company with the Dannides? or assist 
 Sisyphus in rolling his stone?'' "No," said Minos, "none of 
 these ; we must invent some severer punishment. Let him be 
 sent back to the earth, to see the use his heirs are making of his 
 riches." 
 
38 MEllEY COMPANION. 
 
 MY N.E\V COOK. 
 
 My new cook was fresh from the Emerald Island. When she pre- 
 sented herself, I saw in her but small promise. Having learned on 
 inquiry that her name was Alice Muhony, I said * How long' have 
 you been in this country, Alice?' 
 
 She hesitated for a moment, then answered * Sax months, rnnm.' 
 
 I learned afterwards that she had arrived only three days before. 
 
 'Can you cook?' I inquired. 'Och, yes! Ony thing-, from a rib of 
 bafe down till a parate.' 
 
 * You're sure of that, Alice?' l Och! shure mum.' 
 
 * Can you give me a reference?' * I've got a chu-rac-ter from Mrs. 
 Jordan, where I lived in Cork. I've only been here a few days. 
 Biddy Jones knows me.' 
 
 And she produced a written testification of ability, signed, * MARY 
 JORDAN, No. William Street, Cork.' There was a suspicious look 
 i< bout this cha-rac-ter ;' but of course I had no means of deciding 
 whether it were a true or false document. 
 
 After some debate with myself, I finnlly decided to give Alice a trial. 
 
 It so happened that on the very day she came, an old lady friend of 
 my mother's, accompanied by her two daughters, both married and 
 housekeepers, called to spend the afternoon and take tea. As they 
 lived at some distance, I ordered tea rather early, riot waiting for Mr. 
 Browne, whose business kept him away pretty lute. 
 
 During- the afternoon my ' butterman' came. Occasionally he brings 
 some very nice country sausag-es, and I always make it a point to se- 
 cure some when he does so. He had some on this occasion. 
 
 * Alice,' said I, as I entered the kitchen about iive o'clock, *I want 
 you to hurry and g-et tea ready as quickly as you can.' 
 
 * Yes, mum,' was the prompt reply. 
 
 * And Alice,' I ndded, * we'll have some of these sausag-es with the 
 tea. They are very tine ones better than we usually get. Be sure 
 to cook them very nicely.' 
 
 * Yes, mum,' readily replied the girl, looking quite intelligent. 
 
 A few more directions as to what we were to have were given, and 
 then I went back to my company. 
 
 It was not my intention to leave all to the doubtful skill of my new 
 cook, but either the time passed on very rapidly, or she was more 
 prompt and active, than is usual among cooks, for the tea was announ- 
 ced before I expected it. 
 
 'Ah,' said I, * that is something like expedition;' and I arose, adding, 
 'will you walk into the front parlour, ladies?' 
 
 The words were no sooner uttered than a doubt as to all being as I 
 could wish crossed my mind ; and I regretted that I hud not first re- 
 paired to the next room alone. But it was too late now; or, rather, 
 I did not happen to have suilicient presence of mind to recall my invi- 
 tation to the ladies to walk in to tea, until I had preceded them a few 
 minutes. 
 
 Well, we were presently seated at the tea-table. My practised eye 
 
MEE11Y COMPANION. 3D 
 
 instantly saw that the cloth was laid crookedly, and that the things 
 were placed in a very slovenly manner. 
 
 I was obliged to inakn sin apology, on the ground of a new domestic, 
 and then proceeded to the business of making and pouring out the tea. 
 The cups were handed round, and I soon noticed that my guests were 
 sipping from their spoons in a very unsatisfactory manner. I was in 
 the act of filling rny own cup from the tea-urn, when I missed the 
 plate of sausages, about which I had boasted to my lady friends as 
 something a little better than were usually to be obtained. So I rung 
 the bell, and Alice presently made her appearance. 
 
 ' Alice,' said I, * where are those sausages I told you to cook ? You 
 surely haven't forgotten them.?' * Och, no indade, mum. They're 
 there.' 
 
 * Where? I don't see them.' And my eyes ran around the table. 
 4 They're wid the tay, mum, shure !' 
 
 1 With the tea!' 'Sure, mum, they're wid the tay. Ye towld me 
 yees wanted the sassages wid the tay; and sure they're there. I foiled 
 'em well.' 
 
 A light now flashed over my mind. Throwing up the lid of the tea- 
 urn, I saw the fat floating on the surface ; I thrust in a fork, which 
 immediately came in contact with a hard substance; I drew it forth, 
 and exhibited a link of 4 well-biled' sausages! 
 
 Let me draw a veil over what followed. 
 
 SIMON PURE AND PADDY THE SWABBER. 
 
 WE sail'd from the Downs in a ship called the Liou, 
 With fifty brass guns, our crew could rely on; 
 Larboard and starboard we had a bold crew, 
 Whfoh no equal number of foes could subdue. 
 
 * Besides we'd some passengers bound for the West, 
 One was a Quaker most curiously dress' d; 
 
 And altho' quite demure, he was a stiff joker, 
 
 You'd have sworn his backbone, was made of a poker. 
 
 We'd an Irishman, too, form'd one of the crew, 
 
 Who never before had wore Jacket of Blue : 
 
 He was butt for the ship, and did each dirty job 
 
 Such as emptying a bucket, or wringing a swab. 
 
 For several days, we had a fair wind, 
 
 The white cliffs of Albion, we left far behind ; 
 
 Till early one morning, the man at the mast, 
 
 Cries, * YE ! a strange sail bears down on us fast.' 
 
 * Prepare then for action,' cried the captain, abaft ! 
 
 ' Up hammcck, down chest, clear the ship fore and aft !' 
 
 Then spying the Quaker,* Come, old Buckram and Starch ! 
 To one of those guns, sir, immediately march, 
 
40 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 And help tlio.se brave fellows to fight for our Queen. 
 
 * I'll tell thee, friend captain, I'll do no such tiling, 
 
 If thee and thy crew are come here to slay, 
 
 Thou canst not compel me to take life away. 
 
 Thou may stay at thy murderous work if thou will, 
 
 But Scripture says plainly, 'Thou shalt not kill ;' 
 
 All the blood that is spilt, will fall upon thee; 
 
 And at the last day, 'grdnst thee witness I'll be.' 
 
 Never mind that, Old Barebones, we'll show you some fun, 
 
 You shan't leave the deck till the battle is done. 
 
 The Frenchman was then bearing 1 down on our quarter, 
 
 But when she came to us she found us a Tartar. 
 
 There was one daring 1 Frenchman had just got his hand in, 
 
 To leap on the deck where the Quaker was standing-; 
 
 Simon, nipt up an axe, and chopt of his hand clear, 
 
 Saying-, * keep thy own ship, friend, what do'st thou want here?' 
 
 We foug-ht and we conquer'd, our victory was sure, 
 
 And partly 'twas owing to stiff Simon Pure. 
 
 Now during 1 the action, Poor Paddy the Swabber, 
 
 Was kick'd about deck, and call'd a land-lubber, 
 
 But Paddy did'nt care, how much they deride him, 
 
 If he only could find a snug- place to hide in. 
 
 At last he found one, 'mongst barrels of butter, 
 
 Where he lay conceal'd, with his heart in a flutter, 
 
 Till a ball from the French, who pour'd a broadside in, 
 
 Slap bang- in the butter where Paddy was hiding. 
 
 This rather took Paddy by way of surprise, 
 
 And pelted the butter right into his eyes. 
 
 Paddy ran upon deck, and he flourished his hat, 
 
 (The sailors all stared at the courage of Pat,) 
 
 Then seizing a gun, cries, we'll soon make them steer hence ? 
 
 The sailors all laugh' d at Pat's greasy appearance 
 
 Fight on, boys, says Pat, yees need be a tiring' 
 
 For be Jasus, it's nothing but BUTTER they're firing ! 
 
 THE RULING PASSION. Mr. Charles Wesley, the celebrated 
 organist, died a short time since. Until within ten days of his 
 death, he played from recollection many of the pieces and choruses 
 of the immortal Handel ; and, perhaps, there was scarcely a piece 
 that Handel wrote, with which he was unacquainted. Even on 
 his deathbed, Mr. Wesley would say, 4 I must go down and amuse 
 myself with my organ ;' or, 'I must have my pianoforte in my 
 bedroom.' That being impossible, he was continually humming 
 Handel's music ; and, fancying he had his pianoforte before him, 
 worked his fingers on his bedclothes, as though he were playing 
 on the instrument, and that even within two days of his decease. 
 
MERUT COMPANION. 41 
 
 * IN VINO VE RITAS.' A clergyman and a magistrate residing 
 not very far from the shores of the Sol way were recently returning 
 home one evening, after having worshipped largely at the shrine 
 of Bacchus. His reverence's onward course was, as may he ima- 
 gined, somewhat tortuous ; but he was greatly assisted by the con- 
 siderate endeavours of one of his parishioners. After along silence 
 the following instructive dialogue ensued : 
 
 Clergyman: You're a very decent fellow, George ; but I've a 
 little fault to find witb you, George. Parishioner : Indeed, Mr. 
 , I am sorry to hear you say so pray what is it? 
 
 Clergyman . Why, you see, George, you don't come to church 
 on Sunday quite so regularly as you should do, George. Parish- 
 ioner : Well, perhaps not ; but then, you see, Mr. , I always 
 
 pay you your church-rates and Easter dues the very day they he- 
 come due. 
 
 Clergyman : Well, well, George you do you do. And after 
 all, George, that is the principal part of the of the the business. 
 
 CUT IT SHORT. A gentleman having his hair cut, and being 
 annoyed with the operator's stories, in the middle of each, he said, 
 'Cut it short.' At last, the barber, in a rage, exclaimed, 4 It can- 
 not he cut shorter, for every hair of your head is off'.' 
 
 BYRON'S OPINION OF NAPOLEON. During the voyage we dis- 
 cerned Corsica and Elba from the deck which changed the con- 
 versation to the subject of the life of Napoleon, exclaiming that 
 he had been woefully deceived in his estimate of the character of 
 that wonderful man; repeating the pain and mortification which 
 he endured whenever he chanced to glance his eye on either of 
 these islands, as they recalled to his recollection the humbling 
 conviction of the weakness of human nature. ' I at one period/ 
 he said, 'almost idolized that man, although I could not approve 
 of many of his actions : regarding other potentates as mere pig- 
 mies when weighed in the balance against him. \Vhen his for- 
 tune deserted him, and all appeared lost, he ought at once to have 
 rushed into the thick of the fight at Leipsic or Waterloo, and nobly 
 perished, instead of dying by inches in confinement, and affording 
 to the world the degrading spectacle of his petty billious conten- 
 tions with the governors to whose custody he was confided at St. 
 Helena. Even if he bad maintained a dignified silence amid the 
 persecutions to which in his latter days he complained of being 
 subjected, I could almost have forgiven him ; yet this man's fame 
 will descend to, and be revered by posterity, when that of numbers 
 more deserving of immortality shall have ceased to be remembered.' 
 
42 MEllttY COMPANION. 
 
 THERE is a severe legend against tailors, who must have 
 Buffered long under the reproach of cabbaging. Tailors hare 
 riot been equitably dealt with in the sayings of our ancestors. 
 They say in some parts of North Germany, " If it rains while 
 the sun shines, a tailor has gone to Heaven." 
 
 THE WITLESS WITLING. 
 
 For his nephew the Vicar a fortune had serap'd, 
 
 And Tom was his heir by his will, 
 But Tom's flippant tongue not his parent escap'd, 
 
 And his clack-rattle never stood still. 
 
 For Tom was a wit, and his uncle's red face, 
 
 He to Bardolph's was wont to compare, 
 And he'd plagu'd the old priest for his long winded grace, 
 
 Or mimic'd his mumbling at prayer. 
 
 Thf-n to pose and perplex him with quibbles one day. 
 
 Being wantonly seized with a fit, 
 Prithee, parson,' says Tom, 'What's the difference, I pray, 
 
 Between a wise man and a wit.' 
 
 * Why, Tom, the whole difference lies here, quoth the priest, 
 
 * A mere wit is to folly so prone, 
 
 * That to gall his best friend, he'll let fly his worst jest, 
 
 4 But a wise man will let it alone. 
 
 ' Thus yon, for your sport my complexion deride, 
 
 * And a carbuncle make of each pimple, 
 
 ' For which, you must know, I've my will set asUe, 
 1 But have left yon, TO WIT, &fee simple. 1 
 
 ECCENTRIC REBUKES FROM THE PULPIT. The late Rev. 
 Rowland Hill was remarkable for his eccentric rebukes from 
 the pulpit. He once said, on observing some persons enter 
 his chapel to avoid the rain that was falling, * Many people 
 are to be blamed for making their religion a Cloak ; but I do 
 not think those are much better who make it an umbrella ! 
 Again, after receiving some anonymous letters from some of 
 his congregation If you wish me to read your anonymous 
 letters, you must inclose a 5 note in them for some good 
 charity !' On another occasion ' I do not wish the walls of 
 separation between different orders of Christians to be des- 
 troyed, but only lowered, that we may shake hands a little 
 easier over them.' 
 
MERUT COMPANION. 43 
 
 MILITARY ANECDOTES. 
 
 The Emperor Alexander was accustomed to travel with the utmost 
 rapidity. On a certain occasion, his Majesty, fatigued by having re- 
 mained a long- time in his carriage, alighted, and unaccompanied by 
 any of his suite, pursued his way on foot through a village that lay 
 before him. The Ernperor was attired in his usual travelling costume, 
 a military great coat without any particular mark of distinction. De- 
 sirous of obtaining some information respecting the road he was pur- 
 suing, he accosted a military-looking personage who stood smoking a 
 cigar at the door of a house. To each of the Emperor's questions, the 
 stranger replied in the most uncourteous manner ; and by way of 
 terminating the ungracious parley, 'Allow me to ask,' said Alexander, 
 'what may be your military rank?' 'Guess.' 'Perhaps, sir, you 
 may be a lieutenant?' 'Higher, if you please.' 'Captain?' 'An- 
 other step.' 'Major?' 'Go on, Go on.' 'Lieutenant-colonel I pre- 
 sume?' 'You have hit it at last, though riot without effort.' These 
 words were pronounced in a tone of arrogance, and the several answers 
 in the preceding dialogue were accompanied by a cloud of smoke puf- 
 fed full in the Emperor's face. 'Now comes my turn, good Mr. Tra- 
 veller,' said the officer; 'Pray, what may be your military rank?' 
 * Guess.' 'Well then, at first glance I should say Captain.' ' Higher, 
 if you please.' 'Major?' 'Go on, if you please.' 'Lieutenant-co- 
 lonel?' ' Pray, go on.' 'Colonel?' 'A little higher, if you please.' 
 (The officer upon this threw away the stump of his cigar.) 'Ma- 
 jor-general?' 'Another step, if you please.' (The officer now stood 
 immoveable as at 'attention.') 'Your Excellence is then Lieutenant- 
 general.' 'You are not quite up to the mark.' 'In that case I have 
 the honour to address myself to his Serene Highness the Field Mar- 
 shall !' 'Do me the favour, Lieutenant-colonel, to make another 
 effort.' 'Ah, sire !' cried the officer with emotion, 'will your Majesty 
 deign to pardon me? But could I imagine that the Emperor ' * I 
 am not offended,' replied Alexander, 'and to prove it, if you have a 
 favour to ask, I will grant it with pleasure.' 
 
 AT the storming of Warsaw, the principal battery was defended by 
 only two battalions, but with such bravery as history can hardly paral- 
 lel. When it was evident that it could no longer hold out, several 
 privates of the artillery seated themselves on powder- barrels and blew 
 themselves up. But the conduct of General Sowinski was truly heroic ; 
 having lost one foot, he was, at his earnest request, seated in a chair, 
 and placed on the altar of the desperately defended church, where he 
 continued to give orders until the last of his comrades were cut down, 
 when drawing forth two pistols, he, with one, shot a Russian who was 
 rushing upon him, and with the exclamation 'So dies a Polish gene- 
 ral!' fired the other through his own heart. 
 
 ONE evening, after a great battle, Frederic II. approached a fire, 
 which had been lighted by some of the grenadiers of his own regiment. 
 
41 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 The soldiers began to ask him where he had been during- the battle. 
 * Generally,' said they, 'you lead us yourself where the tire is hottest; 
 but this time nobody saw you, and it is not right to abandon us so.' 
 The King, in a good-humoured manner, explained to them in what 
 part of the field he had been, and his reasons for being- there, which 
 had prevented him from being at the head of his own regiment. As 
 he began to grow warm, he unbuttoned his great coat, and a ball 
 dropped out winch he had received in his clotlies. The hole the ball 
 ha.d made in the great coat and coat was perceptible. Upon this the 
 enthusiasm of the soldiers knew no bounds. They cried out, with all 
 the tenderness of expression belonging in the German tongue to the 
 singular pronoun. ' You are our own good old Fritz ; you share in all 
 our dangers with us we will all die for you!' and the conversation 
 concluded with three cheers, and their entreaties to the King to take 
 more care of his own safety. 
 
 VISCOUNT DE BEAULIEU having declared Antwerp in a state of 
 siege, and ordered all the wine-houses to be closed, on the very first 
 day a grenadier was found on his post desparately drunk. The com- 
 mander, who, before condemning him to be shot, gave him an oppor- 
 tunity of explaining. The muddled soldier stammered out, 'Why, 
 General, your proclamation says, the refractory are to be fired on with 
 grape-shot, and as I had none, I thought it my duty to provide my- 
 self with, ammunition' Beaulieu laughed, and the grenadier escaped 
 with a reprimand. 
 
 WILT THOU FORGET ME? 
 
 May the remembrances of affection never depart. 
 
 May trifling with another's feelings be fur from our fair; so that they may fairly 
 demand consideration for their own. 
 
 May the wretch who to gratify his vanity trifles with the affections of a woman, 
 have remorse for his companion through life, and despair his associate (if unrepen- 
 ted of) in death. 
 
 Wilt thou forget me when thou shalt depart, 
 And give to another that hand and that heart? 
 Wilt thou, rejecting the tear and the sigh, 
 Leave her who loves thee, in sadness to die? 
 Wilt thou forget me when thou shalt depart, 
 And give to another that hand and that heart ? 
 
 Wilt thou forget me when strangers are near, 
 Breathing soft music of love in thine ear ! 
 Oft hast thou spoken of vows sweet to share, 
 Will they be broken when I am not there 1 
 
 1 You look as if you were beside yourself,' as the wag said to a 
 fellow who stood by a donkey. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 45 
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. At a funeral of an individual, noted for 
 being- a brutish husband, a severe father, and a mean man in gen- 
 eral, it was observed that nobody shed tears ; whereupon the sexton 
 said that he had officiated in that capacity for forty-five years, and 
 that an instance of the kind had never happened before, and, that 
 it might not disgrace the village, he seized a little boy and pulled 
 his ears most se\erely, speedily producing the desired eilcci. 
 
 A MODERN SAMPSON. 
 
 JACK, eating 1 rotten cheese, did say 
 Like Sampson, I my thousands slay : 
 I vow, quoth ROGER, so you do, 
 And with the self-same weapon too. 
 
 DREAMING. 
 
 Soon after Sir William Johnson had been appointed superin- 
 tendent of Indian affairs in North America, while the states were 
 still colonies of Britain, he wrote to England for some suits ot 
 clothes, richly laced. When they arrived at Sir William's, Hen- 
 drick, king of the five nations of the Mohawks, was present, and 
 particularly admired them, but without saying anything at that 
 time to Sir William. In a few days, Hendrick called on Sir 
 William, and acquainted him that he had had a dream. On Sir 
 William's inquiring what it was, he told him that he had dreamed 
 that he had given him one of those fine suits which he had lately 
 received over 4 the Great Water.' Sir William took the hint, and 
 immediately presented him with one of the richest suits. Hendrick, 
 highly pleased with the generosity of Sir William, retired. Sir 
 William, some time after this, happening to be in company with 
 Hendrick, told him that he also had had a dream. Hendrick 
 being very solicitous to know what it was, Sir William informed 
 him, that he (Heudrick) had made him a present of a particular 
 tract of land (the most valuable on the Mohawk River,) of about 
 5000 acres. Hendrick presented him with the laud immediately, 
 with this shrewd remark * Now, Sir William, I will never dream 
 with you again ; you dream too hard for me/ The above tract of 
 land is called to this hour. Sir William's Dreaming land. 
 
 A PERSON being asked what a ghost said to him, which he pre- 
 tended to have seen, answered, 4 How should I know what he said? 
 I am not skilled in the dead languages.' 
 
46 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A GOOD TURN OFF. William IV, seemed in a momentary di- 
 lemma one day when, at table with several officers, he ordered 
 one of the waiters to * take away that marine there,' pointing to an 
 empty bottle, 'Your Majesty?' inquired a colonel of Marines, 
 4 Do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of 
 the service ?' 4 Yes,' replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought 
 had struck him ; 4 1 mean to say it has done its duty once, and is 
 ready to do it again.' 
 
 ANALIZA.TION! 
 
 May we not only analize, but purify our minds. 
 
 May we analize our own faults before we examine our neighbours. 
 
 In auaiizing amusement may we throw away folly. 
 
 What are mortals made of? 
 By analization I've tried all the nation, 
 Defined each gradation, and proved every station, 
 With Sir Humphrey's best new chemical test, 
 
 And found what mortals are made of! 
 
 What are our dandies made of? 
 Of whiskers and snuff, of padding- and puff 
 A glass to the eye when a pretty girl's nigh 
 Sham collar, false calves, and hair, 
 Stays tight-laced a head like a bear, 
 
 And such are our dandies made of! 
 
 What are our fiddlers made of? 
 Of crotchets and quavers and great people's favours; 
 Catgut to teaze horsehair to please, 
 Gamut and rosin, airs and fine graces, 
 Flats and sharps, and lots of grimaces, 
 
 And such are. our .-fiddlers made of! 
 
 W r hat are our doctors made of? 
 A fee and a cane, " must visit again," 
 Rhubarb and manna ipecacuanha : 
 Powders, draughts, lotions, and pills, 
 Patients, pulses, and precious long bills ; 
 
 And sucb are our doctors made of! 
 
 What are old bachelors made of? 
 Of bread a:nd cheese, and very weak knees ; 
 Drivelling nose; rheumatic in toes ; 
 Hoarded riches,, and landed estate, 
 Worn-out smalls, and a very bald pate ; 
 
 And such are old bachelors made of! 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 47 
 
 What are our soldiers made of? 
 Scarlet and lace, and a brazen face ; 
 Pipe-clay and drill, the foeman to kill ; 
 Alehouse scores, trumpets and drams, 
 Oaths and scars, and bullets and bombs ; 
 
 And such are our soldiers made of! 
 
 What are our sailors made of? 
 Of pitch and tar, pig'tail and soar ; 
 Powder and smoke, and hearts of oak ; 
 Lots of prize-money, and cash galore, 
 A fiddler, grog-, and sweethearts on shore ; 
 
 And such are our sailors made of! 
 
 What are young- ladies made of! 
 Of concerts and dances sanctified glances; 
 Dresses and bonnets -ribbons and sonnets; 
 Boarding-school graces flounces and laces, 
 And sweet pretty faces, when kept in their places, 
 
 And such are young ladies made of! 
 
 What are our actors made of? 
 Of masquerade speeches, and other men's breeches; 
 Ranting and raillery, box, pit, and gallery ; 
 Plenty of friends on a benefit night, 
 And lots of applause whene'er they act right! 
 
 And such are our actors made of! 
 
 * I WISH to know if you called me an ass?' * I did, sir, but I 
 qualified it.' ' You qualified it, did you ? so much the better for 
 you, sir ; but pray how did you qualify it ?' 'I said you were an 
 ass, sir, all but the ears.' 
 
 THE PARISH CLERK AND THE PEDAGOGUE. A parish clerk 
 overheard a schoolmaster giving- lessons in grammar. ' You can- 
 not place a, the singular article,' said the preceptor, ' before plural 
 nouns. No one can say a pigs, a women, a ' ' Nonsense !' 
 cried the clerk ; 4 the prayer-book knows better than you, I should 
 think ; and doesn't it teach me to say every Sunday, a-meu ?' 
 
 ' PLEASE, sir,' said a little boy to a milk vendor, ' mamma says 
 she don't like to buy milk of you.' ' Why not? don't 1 give you 
 good measure ?' ' Yes sir ; but mamma says you feed your cows 
 on such watery turnips !' 
 
48 MEBilY COMPANION. 
 
 THE REVENGE OP AN INDIAN BROTHER. 
 
 AN Indian, known as the lotan, was despoiled of his nose in the 
 following- manner : Several Otoe Indians, by dint of paying- fifty 
 times their value, had become possessed of a number of kegs of whis- 
 key. As this was rather a rarity, a council was called, and a general 
 carousal of the male portion of the village resolved upon. The females 
 were excluded, it being- deemed necessary that they should remain 
 sober, to excercise a conjugal care over their husbands, when so ine- 
 briated as to be unable to take care of themselves. In the meantime, 
 a person was appointed as guard, whose business it was to keep watch 
 over the liquor, and drive off all interlopers who might be inclined to 
 test its quality before the time appointed. After three long, and to 
 them lingering 1 days, the time came round ; and at the appointed hour 
 not a soul was behind-hand. The signal was given, and the revel 
 commenced. As the liquor began to work upon the passions of the 
 drunken revellers, they all grew furious. They howltd, yelled, and also 
 fought. The females fled from the building. All weapons had been 
 removed beforehand ; for they knew their own ungovernable nature 
 when under the influence of liquor, and therefore had taken precau- 
 tions to prevent the occurrence of mischief. But when the whiskey 
 commenced its work, the savage was changed to a demon, and the 
 lodge resounded with their screams and bowlings: there was a hell 
 within its bosom. The giant warrior fixed his gripe upon the trem- 
 bling frame of the aged ; brother smote brother ; friends fought with 
 bitter fury ; and the weak and decripit were trampled under foot. It 
 was in this stage of the riot that the lotan and his brother had a fu- 
 rious scuffle. They grappled and rolled upon the ground. In the 
 frenzy of strife and intoxication, his brother bit oft' the end of his nose, 
 and instantly extricating himself, rushed out of the lodge. The lotan 
 was perfectly sobered : he paused for a moment, looking intently on 
 the fire, without uttering a word ; then drawing his blanket over his 
 head, walked out of the building, and hid himself in his own lodge. 
 On the following morning he sought his brother, and told him that 
 he had disfigured him for life; 'To-night,' said he, 'I will go to my 
 lodge and sleep ; if I can forgive you when the sun rises, you are safe ; 
 if not, you die.' He kept his word ; he slept upon his purpose ; but 
 sleep brought not mercy. He sent word to his brother that he bad 
 resolved upon his death, that there was no further hope for him ; at 
 the same time he besought him to make no resistance, but to meet his 
 fate as a warrior should. His brother received the message, and fled 
 from the village. An Indian is untiring in his pursuit of revenge, and 
 though years may elapse, yet he will obtain it in the end. From the 
 time that it became the fixed purpose of the lotan to slay his brother, 
 his assiduity never slept ; he hunted him for months. He pursued 
 his trail over the prairies ; he followed his track from one thicket to 
 another ; he traced him through the friendly villages, but without 
 success j for although he was untiring, his brother was watchful, and 
 
MEREY COMPANION. 49 
 
 kept out of his way. The old warrior then changed his plan of action, 
 lie laid in wait for him in the forest, crouching 1 , like a tiger, in the 
 paths which he thought he might frequent in hunting-, but he was for 
 a long time unsuccessful. At length, one day, while seated on a dead 
 tree, he heard the crackling- noise of a twig- breaking- beneath a cau- 
 tious footstep. He instantly crouched behind the log 1 , and watched 
 the opposite thicket. Presently an Indian emerged from it, and gazed 
 cautiously around. The lotan recognized his brother instantly. His 
 careworn face and emaciated form evinced the anxiety and privations 
 that he had suffered. But this was nothing: to the lotan ; as yet his 
 revenge was unsatiated, and the miserable appearance of his brother 
 touched no chord of his heart. He waited until he was within a few 
 feet of him, then sprang from his lurking place, and met him face to 
 face. His brother was unarmed, but met his fiery look with calmness 
 and without flinching. 'Ha ! Ha! brother,' cried the lotan, cocking 
 his rifle, 'I have followed you long, in vain now I have you you 
 must die.' The other made no reply, but throwing off his blanket, 
 stepped before him, and presented his breast. The lotan raised his 
 rifle, and shot him through the heart. His revenge was gratified, but 
 from that hour a change came over him. He became gloomy and 
 morose ; shunned the society of his fellow-men, and roamed the woods, 
 where he was nearly driven to suicide by the workings of his feelings, 
 and the phantasies of his brain. It was not until many years had 
 elapsed, that he recovered from the deep anguish caused by this un- 
 natural act of vengeance. 
 
 LIGHT BE AROUND THEE. 
 
 May the excitement of the world never corrupt the heart. 
 
 May persona] enjoyment never make us forget those who depend on us for peace 
 
 May our wishes be for the happiness of those we love, and our actions secure it. 
 
 Light, be around thee, Hope be thy guide, 
 Gay be thy bark, and smooth be the tide, 
 Soft be the wind that beareth thee on, 
 Sweet be thy welcome, thy wonderings done. 
 Bright be the earth, may the eyes you love best, 
 Greet the long absent again to his rest, 
 Be thy life like sweet music that floateth away 
 Or the breeze ling'ring o'er the rose-tree in May. 
 
 But still whilst thy moments in melody roll, 
 Be one sad remembrance left on thy soul ; 
 Be the song of the ev'riing thrice sweet on thine ear, 
 Then think how thy twilights were pass'd away here. 
 And yet let the shadow of sorrowing be, 
 Soft as the winds of Autumn to thee ; 
 One faint recollection, one best sigh of thine, 
 May be granted to Jove so devoted as thine. 
 D 
 
50 MERRY COMPA^IOtf. 
 
 PUNCTUALITY. 
 
 One of the most notable instances which at present occurs to 
 our memory of a high possession of this quality was found in a 
 Mr Scott, of Exeter, who twenty years ago continued to travel in a 
 commercial capacity till his eightieth year. An anecdote illustra- 
 tive of this we have heard told in the following manner : 
 
 For a long series of years, the proprietor of every inn he fre- 
 quented in Devon and Cornwall knew the day and the very hour 
 he would arrive. On one occasion, a gentleman, who was travel- 
 ling through Cornwall, stopped at a small inn, at Port Isaac, to 
 dine. The waiter immediately presented him with a bill of fare, 
 which he did not approve of; but observing a fine duck roasting, 
 * I'll have that/ said the traveller. ' You cannot, sir/ replied the 
 landlord ; ' it is for Mr. Scott of Exeter.' I know Mr. Scott very 
 well/ rejoined the gentleman ; ' he is not in your house.' ' True, 
 sir/ said the landlord ; ' but six months ago, when he was here 
 last, he ordered a duck to be ready for him this day, precisely at 
 two o'clock.' And to the astonishment of the traveller, he saw the 
 old gentleman, on his Rosinante, jogging into the inn-yard about 
 five minutes before the appointed time ! 
 
 LAST WORDS AT PARTING. 
 
 Her last words at parting 1 , how can I forget ? 
 
 Deep treasur'd, through life, in my heart they shall stay, 
 Like music, whose charms in the soul lingers yet, 
 
 When its sounds from the ear have long melted away. 
 Let Fortune assail me her threat'nings are vain: 
 
 These still-breathing words shall my talisman be 
 " Remember, in absence, in sorrow, and pain, 
 
 There's one heart, unchanging, that beats but for thee." 
 
 From the desert's sweet well though the Pilgrim must hie, 
 
 Never more of that fresh-springing fountain to taste, 
 He hath still of its bright drops a treasur'd supply, 
 
 Whose sweetness lends life to his lips through the waste. 
 So, dark as my fate is still doom'd to remain, 
 
 These words shall my well in the wilderness be 
 " Remember, in absence, in sorrow, and pain, 
 
 There's one heart, unchanging, that beats but for thee." 
 
 Thomas Moore. 
 
 * SHALL I cut this loin of mutton saddlevvise/ said a gentleman. 
 * No,' said one of his guests, 'cut it bridlewise, for then I may 
 chance to get a bit in my mouth.' 
 
MEBRT COMPANION. 51 
 
 THE CONFESSION. 
 
 THERE'S somewhat on my breast, father, 
 
 There's somewhat on my breast ? 
 The livelong day I sigh, father, 
 
 At night I cannot rest ; 
 I cannot take my rest, father, 
 
 Though I would fain do so ; 
 A weary weight oppresseth me 
 
 This weary weight of woe ! 
 
 'Tis not the lack of gold, father, 
 
 Nor lack of worldly gear ; 
 My lands are broad and fair to see, 
 
 My friends are kind and dear ; 
 My kin are leal and true, father, 
 
 They mourn to see my grief ; 
 But, oh ! 'tis not a kinsman's hand 
 
 Can give my heart relief! 
 
 'Tis not that Janet's false, father, 
 
 'Tis not that she's unkind ; 
 Though busy flatterers swarm around, 
 
 I know her constant mind. 
 'Tis not her coldness, father, 
 
 That chills my labouring breast 
 It's that confounded cucumber 
 
 I've ate and can't digest ; 
 
 PERSEVERANCE ESSENTIAL TO SUCCESS. 
 
 One of the most extraordinary and the best attested instances 
 of enthusiasm, existing in conjunction with perseverance, is rela- 
 ted of the founder of the F family. This man, who was a 
 
 fiddler, living near Stourbridge, was often witness of the immense 
 labour and loss of time caused by dividing tbe rods of iron, neces- 
 sary in the process of making nails. The discovery of the process 
 called splitting, in works called splitting-mills, was first made in 
 Sweden; and the consequences oi this advance in art were most 
 disastrous to the manufacturers of iron about Stourbridge. F , 
 the fiddler, was shortly missed from his accustomed rounds, and 
 was riot again seen for many years. He had mentally resolved to 
 ascertain by what means the process of splitting bars of iron was 
 accomplished ; and, without communicating his intention to a 
 single human being, he proceeded to Hull, and, without funds, 
 worked his passage to the Swedish iron port. Arrived in Sweden, 
 he begged and fiddled his way to the iron-foundries, where he, 
 
52 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 after a time, became a universal favourite with the workmen ; and 
 from the apparent entire absence of intelligence, or anything- like 
 ultimate object, he was received into the works, to every part of 
 which he had access. He took the advantage thus offered, and, 
 having stored his memory with observations, and all the combina- 
 tions, he disappeared from among his kind friends as he had ap- 
 peared, no one knew whence or whither. On his return to England, 
 he communicated his voyage and its result to Mr. Knight and 
 another person in the neighbourhood, with whom he was associa- 
 ted, and by whom the necessary buildings were erected, and ma- 
 chinery provided. When at length everything was prepared, it 
 was found that the machinery would not act ; at all events, it did 
 not answer the sole end of its erection it would not split the bar 
 
 of iron. F disappeared again ; it was judged that shame and 
 
 mortification at his failure had driven him away for ever. Not so; 
 again, though somewhat more speedily, he found his way to the 
 Swedish iron-works, where he was received most joyfully, and, to 
 make sure of their fiddler, he was lodged in the splitting -mill itself. 
 Here was the very aim and end of his life attained, beyond his 
 utmost hope. He examined the works, and very soon discovered 
 the cause of his failure. H e now made drawings, or rude tracings ; 
 and having abided an ample time to verify his observations, and 
 to impress them clearly and vividly on his mind, he made his way 
 to the port, and once more returned to England. This time he 
 was completely successful, and by the results of his experience 
 enriched himself and greatly benefited his countrymen. 
 
 MATRIMONIAL SWEETS. 
 
 May matrimonial jars never end in a dissolution of partnership. 
 
 Bear and Forbear. 
 
 Way matrimony teach patience where the bosom has to be leariit. 
 
 He. Do cease your clack and hold your tongue. 
 You're always teazing-, squalling-, bawling 
 
 She. You're always quarreling- all day long, 
 And ug-ly names are calling-. 
 
 He. You know you near can be at peace 
 
 She. Now pray do let your passion cease ; 
 
 He. You're never quiet, 
 
 She. I deny it ! 
 
 He. Madam, you'll my rapre increase, 
 
 She. dear! dear! 'tis the plague of my life, 
 That ever I became your wife, 
 
 He. dear, dear, &c. 
 
MERCY COMPANION . 53 
 
 He. You know your always gadding- about, 
 Dancing-, walking, chatting-, talking, 
 
 She. You know from morn till night you're out 
 With other ladies walking. 
 
 He. You know you're always after fellows 
 
 Site. 'Tis only you're so very jealous 
 
 He. You'll own you do it 
 
 She. Oh, you shall rue it ! 
 
 He. We're a happy pair, so people tell us, 
 
 Both. dear, dear, &c. 
 
 He. You'll own your temper's very bad, 
 
 Looks so flouting, always pouting 
 She. Your's is enough to drive one inad, 
 
 Suspicious, jealous, doubting. 
 He. You know my passion don't remain, 
 She. But soon as off begins again, 
 He. Oh ! how vexing ! 
 She. How perplexing ! 
 He. You'll put me in a rage again 
 Both. dear, dear, &c. 
 
 He. Madam, we had better part 
 
 Than be living constant dinning 
 She. Oh, I'll agree with all my heart, 
 
 Let's be the task beginning, 
 He. I hereby bid a last adieu 
 She. And now I take a final view 
 He. North 
 She. South 
 He. East 
 She. West 
 
 He. Take which corner you like best. 
 He. dear, dear, I now (for life) 
 
 Am rid of my tormenting wife, 
 She. O dear, dear, I now (for life) 
 
 Forsake the office of a wife. 
 
 [Spoken.] Well then Madam, as you are determined to go, good 
 Dye. Good bye, sir ! You'll recollect, madam, 'tis all your own fault. 
 I beg your pardon, sir, 'tis all your own fault; I say 'tis your's, 
 sir ! Zounds, madam ! I say, 'tis your's You know I never was in a 
 passion ! 
 
 He. My dearest love, don't leave me so, 
 
 \V ithout measure you're my pleasure 
 
 She. You know, my love, I could not go, 
 For you're my darling treasure. 
 
 He. Then for the future let's agree, 
 
 She. And live in sweetest harmony. 
 
64 MEKBY COMPANION. 
 
 He. Nor let to-morrow, 
 
 She. Bring forth sorrow, 
 
 He. To crush our sweet felicity, 
 
 She. dear, dear, 'tis the joy of my life, 
 
 That ever I became your wife ! 
 He. dear, dear, 'tis the joy of my life, 
 
 That ever you became my wife ! 
 
 MILITARY ANECDOTES. 
 
 IN one of the battles fought by the Duke of Enghien, two French 
 noblemen were left wounded among the dead on the field of battle. 
 One complained loudly of his pains ; the other, after a long silence, 
 thus ottered him consolation : 'My friend, whoever you are, remem- 
 ber, that our God died on the cross, our king on the scaffold ; and if 
 you have strength to look at him who now speaks to you, you will see 
 that both his legs are shot away.' 
 
 CHARLES XII, King of Sweden, was riding near Leipsic, when a 
 peasant came and knelt before him to request justice from a grenadier, 
 who had carried away his family's dinner. The king ordered the sol- 
 dier to appear. 'Is it true,' said he, with a stern countenance, 'that 
 you have robbed this man?' 'Sire,' said the soldier, 'I have not done 
 him so much injustice as your majesty has done my master ; you have 
 taken from him a kingdom, and I have taken only a turkey from this 
 fellow.' The king gave the peasant ten ducats, and pardoned the 
 soldier for the boldness of his don mot, saying to him, * Remember, if 
 I have dispossessed Augustus of a kingdom, I have kept nothing for 
 myself.' 
 
 COLONEL KEMYSS, of the 40th regiment, was remarkable for the 
 studied pomposity of his diction. One day, observing that a careless 
 man in the ranks had a particularly dirty face, which appeared not to 
 have been washed for a twelvemonth, he was exceedingly indignant 
 at so gross a violation of military propriety. 'Take him,' said he to 
 the corporal, who was an Irishman, * take the man and leave him in 
 the waters of the Gnadiana.' After some time, the corporal returned. 
 * What have you done with the man I sent with you?' inquired the 
 colonel. Up flew the corporal's right hand across the peak of the cap 
 'Sure an't plaise y'r honour, and din't y'r honour tell me to lave 
 him in the river ? and sure enough I left him in the river, and there he 
 is now, according to y'r honour's orders.' The bystanders, and even 
 the colonel himself, could hardly repress a smile at the facetious mis- 
 take of the honest corporal, who looked innocence itself and wondered 
 what there could be to laugh at. 
 
 AN old colonel, who used to be invited with us to dine at Luna's 
 house, (says Mr. Hardy,) had such a propensity to laughter, that, 
 
MEBRY COMPANION. 55 
 
 after having- once yielded to its influence, he could not restrain him- 
 self as long as any thing remained to excite it. I used to make him 
 burst into a horse-laugh whenever I chose, only by winking at him 
 ridiculously. Upon one occasion, when a great number of persons 
 were assembled at table, a fancy came across me to try whether a grin, 
 and an odd remark would have the same effect upon him in company. 
 It answered marvellously well. He could not restrain a burst of laugh- 
 ter, which rather startled the rest of the party ; to whom, however, 
 I managed to convey a hint, and they immediately entered into the 
 spirit of the joke. Each in his turn, told some extraordinary anec- 
 dote, or made some odd remark, at which the colonel burst out anew, 
 till at last his laughter became alarming. The consequence was that he 
 did not swallow one mouthful during dinner ; for, no sooner did he 
 attempt to introduce a bit of food into his odd mouth, which even then 
 was distorted by a suppressed grin, than some one made a laughable 
 observation, which again excited the poor man's risible propensity, 
 and the meat was suffered to return to his plate untasted. He after- 
 wards complained that, in addition to his having lost his dinner, his 
 sides were quite sore with the exertion. 
 
 WHAT TO EAT, DRINK, AND AVOID. 
 
 I never peruse a newspaper, 
 
 But what I am daily annoyed, 
 With that doctor's advertisement caper, 
 
 Headed 'what to eat, drink, and avoid.' 
 It's all gammon and quack imposition, 
 
 And as times are so so, I'll agree 
 To be your own stomach's physician, 
 
 Without charging the regular fee. 
 Don't imagine I'm going to sell you, 
 
 I like to see victuals enjoy'd 
 So listen to me while I tell you, 
 
 What to eat, drink, and avoid. 
 
 Avoid eating mince pies with mustard- 
 If you do it you ought to be kick'd 
 
 Don't turn up your nose at a custard, 
 To seize on a bone that's been pick'd. 
 
 Avoid alamode beef it's true, sirs 
 (I'm not one that's given to fibs,) 
 
 They introduce bushels of glue, sirs, 
 To make it well stick to your ribs ! 
 
 Avoid drinking table beer swizzle, 
 
 Rather of gin take a dram 
 After real pain never grizzle, 
 
 While you can get lots of cham 
 
56 MERKY COMPANION". 
 
 At dinner don't mind it a button, 
 
 If your wife should be snappish or cross 
 
 Help yourself to the lamb, my young- mutton, 
 And civilly hand her the sauce. 
 
 Don't cry after cold toast and water, 
 
 While you can get crusted port 
 Prefer a long draught of mild porter, 
 
 To a black draught, though ever so short. 
 Put chicken and ham in your tupper, 
 
 'Cause, my ducky, it am werry light 
 Avoid eating pork for your supper, 
 
 Or you'll have the Lord May'r in the night. 
 
 Sausages don't eat remember 
 
 The man that was chopp'd up so small, 
 In his sausage machine one December, 
 
 Boots, toggery, buttons and all. 
 Never buy pies for your babbies, 
 
 Or yourself in the street, Mrs. Jones, 
 For a great many bow-wows and tabbies, 
 
 Have lately been smugg'd from their homes. 
 
 When you're eating a basket of peaches, 
 
 Avoid ever bolting the stones 
 After fish, flesh, or fowl, I beseeches 
 
 You never to swallow the bones. 
 Avoid cracking filberts by dark now 
 
 I'd bet you a shilling to ten ! 
 If you crack a fat maggot, my spark, now, 
 
 You wouldn't be nutts on it then. 
 
 Eat roast beef, my jolly first-raters, 
 
 But avoid, if you're fond of good feed, 
 The new Buckland starch from queer taturs, 
 
 Or you'll soon be a stijf'un indeed. 
 Avoid taking water and Curry, 
 
 To pinch your inside (foolish elf) 
 Let the Jockey of Norfolk and Surrey, 
 
 The experiment try on himself. 
 
 Avoid eating sprats, while you're able 
 
 To dine otf a turkey or duck 
 When asparagus graces your table, 
 
 Remember which end you should suck. 
 Keep continually eating and drinking, 
 
 And don't even stop to take breath, 
 And in spite of your doctors, I'm thinking, 
 
 You'll live to the day of your death. 
 
MERTIT COMPANION. 57 
 
 HANDEL. At the coronation of George II., the Bishops having 
 selected the words for the anthem, sent them, for composition, to 
 Handel, who returned them, observing, that he read his bible, and 
 could choose a subject for himself. He fixed on the lines 4 My 
 heart is inditing a good matter.' It was a remark of Mrs. Cibher, 
 the actress, justified by the fact, that with the hand of a giant, he 
 had the finger of a child: his knuckles were concave, and dimpled 
 as those of an infant; but his touch was so smooth and impercep- 
 tible, that his fingers seemed to grow to the instrument. He had 
 a favourite Rucker harpsichord, the keys of which, by incessant 
 practice, were hollowed like the howl of a spoon. 
 
 THE first pair of buckskin breeches seen in the South Sea Is- 
 lands were so little understood, that the natives stuffed them with 
 seaweed, and had them ' biled' for dinner. Genteel diet for a 
 small tea-party that! 
 
 ALDERMAN BANGS remarked to his wife one day * I can't ima- 
 gine why my whiskers turn grey so much sooner than the hair on 
 my head.' 'Oh, la,' said Mrs. Bangs, 'it is because you have 
 worked so much harder with your jaws than your brains.' 
 
 I 
 
 TRUE NoBiLixy. A noble saying is recorded of a member of 
 our British House of Commons, who by his own industry and 
 perseverance had won his way to that high position. A proud 
 scion of the Aristocracy one day taunted him with his humble ori- 
 gin, saying, *I remember when you blacked my father's boots/ 
 'Well, sir,' was the noble response. ''Did I not do it well?' 
 
 At the storming of Badajoz, in April 1812, one of our officers 
 got a musket-ball in the right ear, which came out at the back of 
 the neck: and though after a painful illness, he recovered, yet his 
 head got a twist, and he was compelled to wear it, looking over 
 the right shoulder. At the Battle of Waterloo, in 1815, (having 
 been upwards of three years with his neck awry,) he received a 
 shot in the left ear, which came out within half an inch of his for- 
 mer wound in the back of the neck, and it set his head straight t 
 again! Kincaird's Random Shots. The narrator adds: 'This \ 
 is an anecdote which I should scarcely have dared to relate were 
 it not that, independent of my personal knowledge of the facts, the 
 hero of it still lives to speak for himself, residing on his property, 
 in Nottingshire. 
 
58 MERRY COMPANION 
 
 PRICE OF A WATCH. During the war, (1796,) a sailor went 
 to Mr. MacLaren, a watchmaker, and presenting a small French 
 watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would 
 come to. Mr. MacLaren, after examining it, said, * It will he 
 more expense repairing than its original cost.' 'I don't mind 
 that,' said the tar : ' I will even give you double the original cost : 
 for I have a veneration for the watch.' 4 What might you have 
 given for it?' said the watchmaker, 'Why,' replied the tar, 'I 
 gave a fellow a blow on the head for it; and if you repair it, I 
 will give you two.' 
 
 ADVENTURE OF AN OFFICER IN ITALY. 
 
 A British officer travelling in Italy, arrived one evening at a 
 small village, much fatigued and in need of refreshment. Apply- 
 ing for it at the door of a capanna, provisions were set before him 
 and a bed prepared for the exhausted wanderer, for which hospi- 
 talities he paid little or nothing. Next day, his host offered to put 
 him in the right road to the place he next intended to visit ; and, 
 during their walk, the officer asked him several questions respect- 
 ing the state of Italy, Italian towns, Italian government and 
 police, &c., concluding by inquiring the profession of his guide, 
 and how he maintained himself and family : * Signor,' replied 
 the man, ' Sono rubatorebandito* and he plucked from his vest 
 a concealed stiletto, advising the astonished traveller to hasten 
 forwards, lest he should meet with ladri less honourable than him- 
 self; assuring him, however, that all who confided in him for pro- 
 tection and kindness, were sate, and certain of receiving it. 
 
 THE SOLDIER'S BOUQUET. 
 
 A few years since, a young officer in a Maltese regiment, who 
 had but lately entered the service, and was not much accustomed 
 to the smell of gunpowder, appeared one morning on parade with 
 a rose in his button-hole, with the fine perfume of which he ever 
 and anon regaled his olfactory nerves- Upon observing this, his 
 
 commanding officer, Count G , a veteran who had seen much 
 
 service, ran up to the young man, tore the rose from his bosom, 
 and trampled it under foot, exclaiming, as he broke one of the 
 soldier's cartridges under his chin, and actually thrust the powder 
 into his nostrils, That, sir, is the only bouquet for a soldier !' 
 
MERBY COMPANION. 59 
 
 MIGHTY HARD. A Ministerial acquaintance of ours, who had 
 lost his wife, and become wearied of his second edition of the sin- 
 pie state, was once instructing a congregation from the passage, 
 4 Use this world as not abusing it/ &c. In the course of his re- 
 marks, he took occasion to mention some thing, which a Christian 
 could dispense with in this world. In this category he placed a 
 wife. He had, however, scarcely said, ' A man may do without a 
 wife,' when his own experience stoutly protested, and he finished 
 this branch of the subject by saying, in the simplicity of his heart, 
 ' but its mighty hard/ 
 
 LOVE AND HOPE. Love and hope are both rascals. I don't 
 pity any folks that is cheated by hope, it sarves 'em right, for all 
 naiur is agin hope. * Good and evil seldom come where they 
 are expected.' We hante no right to rely on any body but on 
 providence and ourselves. Sam Slick. 
 
 SIAMESE SOUP. 
 
 QUIN, in his old age, became a great gourmand ; and, among 
 other things, invented a composition which he called his Siamese 
 Soup, pretend ing that its ingredients were principally from the East. 
 The peculiarity of its flavour became the topic of the day. The 
 rage at Bath was Mr. Quin's soup ; but as he would not part with 
 the receipt, this state of notice was highly inconvenient ; every 
 person of taste was endeavouring to dine with him ; every dinner 
 he was at, an apology was made for the absence of the Siamese Soup. 
 His female friends Quin was forced to put off with promises ; the 
 males received a respectful but manly denial. A conspiracy was, 
 accordingly, projected by a dozen bon vivants of Bath, against his 
 peace and comfort. At home he was flooded with anonymous let- 
 ters : abroad beset with applications under every form. The pos- 
 session of this secret was made a canker to his enjoyments. At 
 length, he discovered the design, and determined on revenge. Col- 
 lecting the names of the principal confederates, he invited them to 
 dinner, promising to give them the receipt before they departed 
 an invitation which was joy fully accepted. Quin then gave a pair of 
 his old boots to the housemaid to scour and soak, and, when suffi- 
 ciently seasoned, to chop up into fine particles, like minced meat. 
 On the appointed day, he took these particles, and pouring them 
 into a copper pot, with sage, onions, spice, ham, wine, water, and 
 other ingredients, composed a mixture of about two gallons, which 
 was served up at his table as Siamese Soup. The company were 
 in transports at its flavour ; but Quin, pleading a cold, did not taste 
 it. A pleasant evening was spent, and when the hour of depar- 
 ture arrived, each person pulled out his tablet to write down the 
 
60 MERRY COMPANION-. 
 
 receipt. Quin now pretended that he had forgot making the prom- 
 ise ; but his guests were not to be put off, and, closing the door, they 
 told him in plain terms, that neither he nor they should quit the 
 room till his pledge had been redeemed. Quin stammered and 
 evaded, and kept them from the point as long as possible; but when 
 their patience was bearing down all bounds, his reluctance gave way. 
 "Well, then, gentlemen,' said he, 'in the first place, take an old 
 pair of boots ' What ! an old pair of boots !'- ' The older the 
 better.' (They stared at each other.) * Cut off their tops and soles, 
 and soak them in a tub of water (they hesitated) chop them into 
 fine particles, and pour them into a pot with two gallons and a half 
 of water.' * Why, Quin,' they simultaneously exclaimed, ' you do 
 not mean to say that the soup we have been drinking was made of 
 old boots ?' * I do, gentlemen,' he replied, ' my cook will assure you 
 she chopped them up.' They required no such attestation ; his cool, 
 inflexible expression was sufficient ; in an instant horror was depicted 
 in each countenance. 
 
 Swift had some whimsical contrivances to punish his servants for 
 disobedience of orders. The hiring of his maid-servants he left to 
 his house-keeper, and that form being over, he acquainted them that 
 he had but two commands to give them one, to shut the door when- 
 ever they came into a room ; the other, to shut the door whenever 
 they went out of a room. One of these maid-servants requested per- 
 mission of the dean to go to her sister's wedding, which was to take 
 place about ten miles' distance from Dublin. Swift not only con- 
 sented, but lent the servant one of his horses, and directed that a 
 man-servant should ride before her. The maid, in her joy at this 
 favour, forgot to shut the door when she left the dean's room. 
 About a quarter of an hour after she had left the house, Swift ordered 
 a servant to saddle another horse, to overtake the maid and her escort* 
 and oblige them to return immediately. This was done, and the 
 girl went into the dean's presence with the most mortified counte- 
 nance, and begged to know his honour's commands. " Only to shut 
 the door after you," was the reply. Not to carry the punishment 
 too far, he then permitted the girl to resume her journey. 
 
 A MATRON dwelling on the banks of the Tees, when under cross- 
 examination as a witness at the Durham assizes, turned up her nose 
 at the insinuation that her daughter was inclined to wed a widower. 
 * Very likely, indeed,' said she, with a toss of the head, that her 
 daughter should marry a second-hand man.' 
 
MEERT COMPANION. Gl 
 
 No RESPECTER OF PERSONS. A correspondent of the New 
 York Knickerbocker says : * After the passengers had retired to 
 their berths, on board the Hendrick Hudson, the following dia- 
 logue ensued in the ladies' cabin, of which the door was left partly 
 open for air. A rheumatic lady and an asthmatic old lady could 
 not each be satisfied with reference to the door. They kept sing- 
 ing out in alternate strains from their night caps : the rheumatic, 
 4 Chambermaid, shut that door I shall die!' the asthmatic, * Cham- 
 bermaid, open that door I shall die '/ So the contention went on 
 for some time, and the yellow maid, with a bandanna handkerchief 
 on her head, was fairly flustrated. At last an old gentleman, who 
 was disturbed by the altercation, sung out from his own berth 
 * Chambermaid, for heaven's sake open that door, and kill one of 
 those ladies, and then shut it, and kill t'other.' 
 
 A GENT, while being measured for a pair of boots, observed, 
 ' Make them cover the calf/ ' Heaven '/ exclaimed the astounded 
 artist, surveying his customer from head to foot, 4 1 have not got 
 leather enough.' 
 
 GENEROSITY. A gentleman praising the generosity of a friend* 
 observed : * He spends his money like water !' ' Then of course 
 he liquidates his debts!' rejoined a wag. 
 
 QUAKER HUMOUR. When the Prison Association of New York 
 petitioned to be incorporated, Hopper went to Albany on business 
 therewith connected. He was then a stranger at the seat of gov- 
 ernment, though they afterwards came to know him well. When 
 he was seated in the senate chamber, a man came to him and told 
 him to take off his hat. He replied, ' 1 would rather not ; I am 
 accustomed to keep it on/ ' But it is contrary to the rules,' re- 
 joined the officer. ' I am ordered to turn out any man who refuses 
 to uncover his head/ The Quaker quietly responded, 'Very well, 
 friend, obey thy orders.' ' Then, will you please to walk out, sir?' 
 said the officer. ' No,' replied friend Hopper. 'Didst thou not 
 tell me thou wert ordered to turn me out ? Dost thou suppose I 
 am going to do thy duty for thee ?' The officer looked embarrassed, 
 and said, half smiling, ' But how am I to get you out?' ' Carry 
 me out, to be sure,' replied friend Hopper ; ' I see no other way/ 
 The officer went and whispered to the speaker, who glanced at the 
 noble-looking old gentleman, and advised that he should be let 
 alone. 
 
62 MEERY COMPANION. 
 
 IMPORTANT FROM THE GOLD REGIONS. 
 
 Sackrymento Diggins, Oct. 20th, 1848. 
 
 To TIM FLAHERTY: Arrah thin, Tim, as soon as you read 
 this bit of a note come out at wonst. Rite forenenst me 'where I 
 sit composing this letther there's a fortune to be got for the mere 
 sifthing. The sands is all goold powder. Och ! if you could only 
 see how beautiful it shines in the sun. An* thin the depth of it. 
 It goes clane down to the centre ov the world. The mountains, 
 Tim, has vains, and ivvery vain is full of the circulatin' majium. 
 Wouldn't you like to bleed them vains, ould boy ? We've no horses 
 here, 'cepting mules, and as soon as one ov the boys gets a load 
 he puts it on the back ov the donkey and carries it to the ass say- 
 ers. The ass sayers, ye see, is the jintlemen as informs ye whether 
 the goold's the rale stuff, or only iron pitaties. You see there's a 
 desavin' kind o' goold they call pitaties. It's an iuvenshun ov the 
 ould sarpint, and iv you put it in the fire it vanishes in a thick 
 shmoke wid an enfarnel smell ov sulfir. Heaven be about us! 
 
 It's a fine healthy rejin is the Sackrymento. There's no disease 
 'cept the shaking ager ; and the fits come on first rate whin there's 
 any sifthing to be done. As soon as one o' the boys gets the shake 
 on him he just puts the sifther in his fists, and he'll make a small 
 fortiu afore the trimble's off ov him. 
 
 We're all rale demmicrats out here, Tim. While I'm writing 
 ov this letther on the side ov my hat bad luck to the crown there's 
 to it I can see one of the eaptins ov the New York melisha wash- 
 ing the goold in the Sacrymento with hardly a rag on him, savin' 
 your presence. Even the mishinaries dig like bogthrotters all the 
 week, and deliver mighty improvin' discoorses to -the hay then on 
 the unrighteousness of mammon on a Sunday. The Injuns is 
 incensed in this way wid the sinfulness of riches, and sells it chape 
 to save their sowls. 
 
 Remember me to Biddy, the darlin', an' tell her if she'll put on 
 the jacket and throusers, she can make hapes of money here, for 
 she knows how to use a spade, an' it's easier diggin' the goold than 
 cutting turf in Kilkenny. But she'd better not be afther comin' 
 in her natural duds, for the site ov a petty coat might breed a 'ruc- 
 tion in the sittlement. 
 
 Intendin' to address you agin shortly on the state of picay unary 
 affairs in this country. 
 
 I remain, yer affeckshynit couzen, 
 
 TERRENCE MAHONY. 
 
 BARNUM being asked one day the secret of his success, simply 
 laughed and said, * Printer's ink.' 
 
ME RUT COMPANION. C3 
 
 THE Cow AND CALF. A dandy who wanted the milk passed 
 to him at a country tavern, thus a^ked for it: ' Landlady, plejise 
 pass your cow this way ;' To whom the lady thus retorted ; 
 ' Waiter, take the cow down there where the calf is bleating! 
 
 GENERAL MEADOWS being on a reconnoitring party in the My- 
 sore country, a large shot struck the ground at some distance from 
 him, and was passing in such a direction as would have exposed 
 him to danger had he continued his route. Quick as lightning he 
 stopped his horse, and pulling of his hat, as the shot rolled past, 
 good humouredly said, * I beg you to proceed, sir ; I never dispute 
 precedence with gentlemen of your family.' 
 
 WHEN Sir Thomas Lawrence painted the portrait of the 
 Hon J. W. Croker, Canning remarked to Peel that Sir Thomas 
 had 4 caught the very quiver of Croker' s lip.' 4 H e has,' truly, said 
 Peel, 'and it is well for him to have missed the venom of its ar- 
 
 THE man who thinks he can talk a girl out of love, has gone 
 South to stop the Mississippi with a chip. 
 
 FINDING FAULT WITH HIS OWN WORK. Amusing himself 
 one evening in shopping, Haydn entered a music-seller's shop in 
 London, and inquired of the proprietor if he had any select and 
 beautiful music, ' Certainly,' replied the man ; * I have just printed 
 some sublime music of Haydn's.' 'Oh,' returned Hadyn, 'I'll 
 have nothing to do with that.' ' What ; sir,' said the music-seller, 
 overwhelmed nearly with disgust ; ' you will have nothing to do with 
 Haydn's music; And, pray, what fault have you to find with it? 
 'Oh, plenty; but it is useless talking about it, since it does not 
 suit me ; show me some other.' The shopkeeper, who was an en- 
 thusiastic admirer of Haydn, replied ' No, sir, ' I have music, it 
 is true, but not for such as you.' He then turned his back upon 
 his customer. As Haydn was going away, smiling, a gentleman 
 of his acquaintance entered, and accosted him by name. The 
 music-seller, still out of humour, turned round at the name. * Hay- 
 dn ;' exclaimed he, addressing the person who had just entered the 
 shop : ' Haydn ; ay, here's a fellow who says he does not like that 
 great man's work/ The Englishman laughed; an explanation 
 took place, and the music-seller was made acquainted with the 
 man who found fault with Haydn's music. 
 
64 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 WHILE the celebrated Major Collhurst was dining in a tavern 
 at Cork, a squire, who had arrived at the acme of drunken pre- 
 eminence, challenged every one in the room, exclaiming, 4 He 
 would fight any one in the room ; of none was he apprehensive.' 
 The major, regardless of this bombastic ehullition, addressing him, 
 said, 4 By your own account, sir, you are a man of spirit, and men 
 of spirit seldom fight any person but their match.' ' Undoubtedly ! 
 exclaimed the squire. ' Then,' said the major, 'lose no time; fight 
 seven duels in Ireland and five in England, shoot two or three men 
 in each country, and get a wound in every limb of your body, and 
 then return, and I will fight you, for then you will be my match ; 
 till then, I must esteem you a green lad. When you have done 
 this, I will order a gross of bullets and two or three cases of pis- 
 tols ; we will begin early in the morning, and depend upon it we 
 will have fighting enough.' This rebuke, gravely delivered, struck 
 the squire dumb, and relieved the company from his very idle, pre- 
 posterous bombast. The major was one of the most fashionable 
 and well-bred men in Ireland ; and when he had the misfortune 
 of falling into a dispute, it was from a disposition to correct imper- 
 tinence, rather than personal impropriety. 
 
 JOHN AND JOAN. 
 
 PETER. PINDAR. 
 
 HAIL, wedded love ! the bard thy beauty hails ! 
 
 Though mix'd at times with cock and hen-like sparrings . 
 But calms are very pleasant after gales, 
 
 And dove-like peace much sweeter after warrings : 
 
 I've written I forgot the page, indeed : 
 
 But folks may find it, if they choose to read 
 
 * That marriage is too sweet without some sour 
 
 Variety recommends &.flow'r. 
 
 1 Wedlock should be like punch, some sweet, some acid ; 
 Then life is nicely turbulent and placid. 
 
 ' A. picture that is all in light 
 Lord, what a thing- ! a very fright! 
 No, let some darkness be displayed ; 
 And learn to balance well with shade.' 
 
 John married Joan they frown'd, they smil'd, 
 Now parted, and now made a child : 
 Now tepid show'rs of love, now chilling snows; 
 Much like the seasons of the year; 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 65 
 
 Or like a brook now thick, now clear; 
 Now scarce a rill, and now a torrent Hows. 
 
 One clay they had a desperate quarrel, 
 
 About a little small-beer barrel, 
 
 Without John's knowledge slily tapp'd by Joan ; 
 
 For Joan, t' oblige her old friend Hodge, 
 
 Thought asking 1 leave of John was fudge ; 
 And so she wisely left the leave alone. 
 
 It happen'd that John and Joan had not two beds 
 To rest their angry, frowning- brace of heads: 
 
 Ergo, there was but one 
 
 To rest their gentle jaws upon. 
 
 * I'll have a board between us,' cried the man 
 
 * With all my spirit, John,' replied the wife: 
 A board was plac'd according to their plan : 
 Thus ended this barrier at once the strife. 
 
 On the first night, the husband lay 
 
 Calm as a clock, nor once wink'd over 
 Calm as a clock, too, let me say, 
 
 Joan never squinted at her lover. 
 
 Two, three, four nights, the sulky pair, 
 Like two still mice, devoid of care, 
 In philosophic silence sought repose ; 
 On the fifth morn, it chanc'd to please 
 John's nose to sneeze 
 
 * God bless you, dear!' quoth Joan at John's loud noise. 
 
 At this Joan gave a sudden start, 
 And popping o'er the edge, his head 
 
 1 Joan, did you say it from your heart? 1 
 Yes, John, I did, indeed, indeed !' 
 
 4 You did?' 'Yes, John, upon my word' 
 
 4 Zounds, Joan, then take away the board!* 
 
 Thus it will be with you and Pitt again. 
 
 Love will beam forth, that ev'ry love surpasses; 
 The grocers be themselves, sweet temper 1 d men, 
 
 And souse him in a hogshead of rnollasses. 
 Thus will contention take away the bone, 
 And you and Pitt kiss friends, like John and Joan. 
 
 SOCIETY is divided into two great parties those who have more 
 dinners thaii appetites, and thuse who have mure appetites than 
 dinners. 
 
 E 
 
66 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 JAW RELAXERS. 
 
 ' It's all over with me !' as the pancake said, when it was turned. 
 
 An incorrigible old maid, living- upon slender means, cut the acquain- 
 tance of a friend because he advised her to * husband 1 her resources. 
 
 An old gentleman, being- asked what he wished for dinner, replied, 
 * An appetite, good company, something- to eat, and a napkin.' 
 
 Why are kisses like creation ? Because they are made out of nothing-, 
 and all " very good." 
 
 ' So far so good,' as the little boy said when he had finished tne 
 first pot of his mother's jam. 
 
 ' I wonder (said a Scottish maiden) what my brother John sees in 
 the lasses that he likes them sae well ; for my part I wad na gie the 
 company o' ae lad for twenty lasses.' 
 
 Beggar Woman : ' Please, sir, give me a penny to keep me from 
 starving-.' Gent: ( Can't stop in a great hurry I've got to make 
 a speech at the Society for the Relief of the Destitute.' 
 
 An itinerant preacher, who rambled in his sermons, when requested 
 to stick to his text, replied that * scattering- shot would hit the most 
 birds.' 
 
 A young- gentleman the other day asked a young- lady what she 
 thought of the married state in general? * Not knowing-, I can't tell,' 
 was the reply ; * but if you and I were to put our heads together. I 
 could soon give you a definite answer.' 
 
 There is a Quaker in Philadelphia so uprig-ht that he won't sit down 
 to his meals; and so downright in all his acts, that he never goes up 
 stairs, but lodges on the basement. 
 
 A gentleman was awakened in the night and told that his wife wns 
 dead. He turned round, drew the coverlet closer, pulled down his 
 night-cap, and muttered, as he went to sleep again, ' Oh, how grieved 
 I shall be in the morning !' 
 
 An elderly miss was heard to exclaim, while sitting at her toilet the 
 other day, ' I can bear adversity, I can encounter hardship, and with- 
 stand the changes of fickle fortune; but 0, to live, and droop, and 
 wither, and die like a single pink, I can't endure it, and what's more, 
 I won't!' 
 
 CROSS-EXAMINING A WITNESS. A barrister tormented a poor 
 German witness so much with questions, that the old man declared 
 he was so exhausted that he must have a drink of water before he 
 could say another word. Upon this the judge remarked, ' I think, 
 Sir, you must have done with the witness now, for you have pumped 
 him dry.' 
 
JMEitRY COMPANION. 07 
 
 A TRAIN OF THOUGHT. An ignorant Dutchman, passing a 
 number of railroad tracks in the course of a day's journey, and 
 never having- seen any before, was non-plussed to account for their 
 use. At length, after examining one of them for about twenty- five 
 minutes, and scratching his head quite bald, he ejaculated ' Tey 
 musht pe iron clamps, to keep der ertquakes from preaking up der 
 road/ 
 
 SIMPLE SCIENCE. Juvenile ; Papa, IVe spilt the butter all 
 over the new table-cover. Papa : Hub the soiled portion briskly 
 with some woollen fabric my dear. Juvenile: But what good will 
 that do, papa ? Papa (clearing his throat): Why, friction gener- 
 ates caloric, which volatises the oleaginous particles of the stearine 
 matter. 
 
 IT is one of the choicest friends (says the Knickerbocker) who 
 writes us as follows : ' How are you ? I came to town on Saturday. 
 A nigger sat next to me in the cars a pretty spruce gentlemanly 
 * Pancko' as 4 ever you see/ The sun shining directly through 
 the window, I was forced to lean away from him, like the leaning 
 tower of Pisa. At last he took umbrage. Said he, looking very 
 black in the lace, ' Is my presence disagreeable to you ?' 4 Not 
 at all,' said I ; ' I was getting out of the sun, not out of the shade.' 
 He said that 4 altered the case very much.' " 
 
 DIVISION OF LABOUR. A certain preacher was holding fortn 
 to a somewhat wearied congregation, when he lifted up his eyes to 
 the gallery, and beheld a youngster pelting the people below with 
 chesnuts. Dominie was about to administer ex-cathedra a sharp 
 and stringent reprimand for this flagrant act of impiety and dis- 
 respect, but the youth anticipating him, bawled out at the top of 
 his voice: ' You mind your preaching, daddy, and /'// keep 'em 
 awake.' 
 
 THERE is a place in New Hampshire where they have never 
 any old maids. When a girl reaches twenty -nine, and is still en 
 the ladder of expectation, the young fellows club together, and 
 draw lots for her. Those who escape pay a bonus to the one who 
 gets her. 
 
 STUTTERING. Why are people who stutter unsafe to rely on? 
 Because they're always breaking their word. 
 
68 MERRY COMPANION 
 
 COMPLIMENTARY. Dr. Bushy, whose figure was much under 
 the common size, was one day accosted, in a coflcc room by an 
 Irish baronet of colossal height. ' May I pass to my scat, O G iant ?' 
 When the Doctor, politely making way, replied, k Yes, O Pigmy!' 
 4 Oh, sir,' said the baronet, 4 my expression referred to the size *of 
 your intellect.' * And my expression, sir, to the size of yours/ 
 said the Doctor. 
 
 THE Deseret News (Mormonite) has the following story. *A 
 woman was walking, and a man looked at her and followed her. 
 The woman said, 4 Why do you follow me?' He answered, ' Be- 
 cause I have fallen in love with you.' The woman said, 4 Why 
 are you in love with me? My sister is much handsomer than 1 ! 
 she is coming after me, go and make love to her.' The man turned 
 back and saw a woman with an ugly face. Being greatly dis- 
 pleased, he went again to the other woman and said, 4 Why did 
 you tell a story?' The woman answered, 4 Neither did you speak 
 the truth ; for if you are in love with me, why did you go after an- 
 other woman? The man was confounded.' We should rather 
 think he was. 
 
 POPPING THE QUESTION. 
 
 MRS. CORNEY, hurrying into the room, threw herself in a breathless 
 state on a chair by the fire-side, and covering- her eyes with one hand, 
 placed the other over her heart, and gasped for breath. 
 
 * Mrs. Corney,' said Mr. Bumble, stooping- over the matron, ' what 
 is this, ma'am ? has any thing happened, ma'am? Pray answer me; 
 I'm on on ' Mr. Bumble in his alarm could not immediately think 
 of the word * tenterhooks/ so he said, 'broken bottles.' 
 
 'Oh, Mr. Bumble !' cried the lady, *I have been so dreadfully put 
 out!' 
 
 'Put out, ma'am!' exclaimed Mr. Bumble; 'who has dared to ? 
 I know!' said Mr. Bumble, checking- himself with native majesty, 
 *this is them wicious paupers !' 
 
 'It's dreadful to think of!' said the lady, shuddering. 
 
 'Then don't think of it, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Bumble. 
 
 'I can't help it,' whimpered the lady. 
 
 'Then take something-, ma'am,' said Mr. Bumble, soothingly. 'A 
 little of the wine.' 
 
 4 Not for the world!' replied Mrs. Corney. 'I couldn't oh! The 
 top shelf in the right-hand corner oh !' Uttering 1 these words, the 
 good lady pointed distractedly to the cupboard, and underwent a con- 
 vulsion from internal spasms. Mr. Bumble rushed to the closet, and 
 
ME BUY COMPANION. 69 
 
 snatching a pint green glass bottle from the shelf thus incoherently in- 
 dicated, filled a tea-cup with its contents, and held it to the lady's lips. 
 
 I'm better now,' said Mrs. Corney, falling 1 back, after drinking half 
 of it. 
 
 'Mr. Bumble raised his eyes piously to the ceiling in thankfulness, 
 and, bringing them down again to the brim of the cup, lifted it to his 
 nose. 
 
 * Peppermint,' exclaimed Mrs. Corney in a faint voice, smiling- gen- 
 tly on the beadle as she spoke. 'Try it, there's a little a little some- 
 thing- else in it.' 
 
 Mr. Bumble tasted the medicine with a doubtful look ; smacked his 
 lips, took another taste, and put the cup down empty. 
 
 ' It's very comforting,' said Mrs. Corney. 
 
 ' Yery much so, indeed, ma'am,' said the beadle. As he spoke, he 
 drew a chair beside the matron, arid tenderly inquired what had hap- 
 pened to distress her. 
 
 * Nothing,' replied Mrs. Corney. ' I am a foolish, excitable, weak 
 creel ur.' 
 
 * Not weak, madam,' retorted Mr. Bumble, drawing his chair a little 
 closer. * Are you a weak creetur, Mrs. Corney ?' 
 
 * We are all weak creeturs,' said Mrs. Corney, laying down a gene- 
 ral principal. 
 
 ' So we are,' said the beedle. 
 
 Nothing was said on either side for a minute or two afterwards ; and 
 by the expiration of that time Mr. Bumble had illustrated the position 
 by removing his left arm from the back of Mrs. Corney 's chair, where 
 it had previously rested, to Mrs. Corney's apronstring, round which it 
 gradually became entwined. 
 
 * We are all weak creeturs/ said Mr. Bumble, 
 Mrs. Corney sighed. 
 
 ' Don't sigh, Mrs. Corney,' said Mr. Bumble. 
 
 ' I can't help it,' said Mrs. Corney ; and she sighed again. 
 
 * This is a very comfortable room, ma'am,' said Mr. Bumble, looking 
 round. 'Another room and this, ma'am, would be a complete thing.' 
 
 'It would be too much for one,' murmured the lady. 
 
 'But not for two, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Bumble in soft accents. 
 'Eh, Mrs. Corney?' 
 
 Mrs. Corney drooped her head when the beadle said this, and the 
 beadle drooped his to get a view of Mrs. Corney's face. Mrs. Corney 
 with great propriety turned her head away, and released her hand to 
 get at her pocket-handkerchief, but insensibly replaced it in that of Mr. 
 Bumble. 
 
 'The board allow you coals, don't they, Mrs. Corney?' affectionately 
 inquired the beadle, pressing her hand. 
 
 'And candles,' replied Mrs. Corney, slightly returning the pressure. 
 
 'Coals, candles, and house-rent free,' said Mr. Bumble. *0h, Mrs. 
 Corney, what a angel you are !' 
 
 The lady was not proof against this burst of feeling. She sunk into 
 
70 ME BET COMPANION. 
 
 Mr. Bumble's arms ; and that gentleman, in his agitation, imprinted 
 a passionate kiss upon her chaste nose. 
 
 'Such parochial perfection!' exclaimed Mr. Bumble, rapturously 
 ' You know that Mr. Slout is worse to-night, my fascinator ?' 
 
 ' Yes/ replied Mrs. Corney, bashfully. 
 
 'He can't live a week, the doctor says,' pursued Mr. Bumble. 'Ha 
 i8 the master of this establishment ; his death will cause a wacancy ; 
 that wacancy must be filled up. Oh, Mrs. Corney, what a prospect 
 this opens ! What a opportunity for a joining- of hearts arid house- 
 keeping-.' 
 
 Mrs. Corney sobbed. 
 
 'The little word ?' said Mr. Bumble, bending over the bashful beauty. 
 'The one little, little, little word, my blessed Corney?' 
 
 'Ye ye yes!' sighed out the matron. 
 
 'One more,' pursued the beadle ; 'compose your darling feelings for 
 only one more. When is it to come off?' 
 
 Mrs. Corney twice essayed to speak, and twice failed. At leng-th, 
 summoning up courage, she threw her arms round Mr. Bumble's neck, 
 and said it might be as soon as ever he pleased, and that he was "a 
 irresistible duck.' 
 
 Matters being thus amicably and satisfactorily arranged, the con- 
 tyact was solemnly ratified in another tea-cup-full of the peppermint 
 mixture, which was rendered the more necessary by the flutter and 
 agitation of the lady's spirits. 
 
 SINGULAR SAGACITY OF A WASP. A wasp had caught a fly 
 almost as big; as herself, with which she attempted in vain to rise 
 in the air. Concluding that the weight of her prey was the im- 
 pediment, she alighted, and sawed off the head and tail before she 
 again took to flight. The weight was now no obstacle to her pro- 
 gress, but she had not calculated upon the wind catching the wings 
 of her victim, and thus retarding her ; which however, she no soon- 
 er observed to be the case, than she again alighted, and, having 
 deliberately removed first the one wing and then the other, carried 
 it off triumphantly to her nest. 
 
 THE Two FOOLS. In a fashionable city of the West of Eng- 
 land, there were two idiots; one, belonging to a family of note, 
 held himself much superior to the other, who was of low degree. 
 One day they met in the street, when the aristocratic idiot exclaim- 
 ed, ' to the other : 4 Lezer ! Lezer ! you are a fool !' 4 1 know I 
 am a fool,' answered Eleazer, drawing in his hanging tongue ; 
 ' but, Philemon, you are a fool, and don't know it.' Philemon be- 
 longed to an extensive genus. 
 
MER11T COMPANION. 71 
 
 ' WOTEVER is, is right, as the young nobleman sweetly remarked 
 ven they put him down in the pension list 'cos his mother's uncle's 
 vife's grandfather vunce lit the king's pipe with a portable tinder 
 box/ 
 
 ALMANACKS. The following anecdote serves to exemplify how 
 necessary it is upon any important occasion to scrutinize the ac- 
 curacy of a statement before it is taken upon trust. A fellow was 
 tried (at the Old Bailey if I remember rightly) for highway rob- 
 bery, and the prosecutor swore positively to him, saying, he had 
 seen his face distinctly, for it was a bright, moonlight night. The 
 counsel for the prisoner cross- questioned the man, so as to make 
 him repeat that assertion, and insist upon it. He then affirmed 
 that this was a most important circumstance, and a most fortunate 
 one for the prisoner at the bar : because the night on which the 
 alleged robbery was said to have been committed was one in which 
 there had been no moon ; it was during the dark quarter ! In 
 proof of this he handed an almanack to the bench, and the pri- 
 soner was acquitted accordingly. The prosecutor, however, had 
 s:ated every thing truly ; and it was known afterwards that the 
 almanack with which the council came provided, had been pre- 
 pared and printed for the occasion. 
 
 In Peter Hopkin's time, the clogg was still found in farm-houses. 
 He remembered when a countryman had walked to the nearest 
 large town, thirty miles distant, for the express purpose of seeing 
 an almanack, the first that had been heard of in those parts. His 
 inquiring neighbours crowded round the man on his return. ' Well 
 well/ said he, 4 I know not! it maffles and talks. But all I 
 could make out is, that Collop Monday falls on a Tuesday next 
 year.' 
 
 SINGULAR WILL. An inhabitant of Montgaillard left the fol- 
 lowing testament : ' It is my will that any one of my relations who 
 shall presume to shed tears at my funeral shall be disinherited ; he 
 on the other hand, who laughs the most heartily, shall be sole heir. 
 I order that neither the church nor any house shall be hung with 
 black cloth ; but that on the day of my burial, the house and 
 church shall be decorated with flowers and green boughs. Instead 
 of the tolling of bells I will have drums, iiddles, and fifes. All 
 the musicians of Montgaillard and its environs shall attend the 
 funeral. Fifty of them shall open the procession with hunting 
 tunes, waltzes, and minuets/ This will create the more surprise, 
 as the deceased had always been denominated by his family the 
 Misanthrope, on account of his gloomy and reserved character. 
 
72 MEEET COMPANION. 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. ' One day,' said a fanner, 'just before harvest, 
 I met a fashionable gentleman with a large handful of ears of 
 wheat taken from my fields. I saluted him respectfully, and ex- 
 pressed my admiration of the beauty of the wheat. * Yes/ said he, 
 'it is truly a fine sample, and does the farmer great credit who 
 grew it.' I acknowledged the compliment, and asked him from 
 which of my fields he took it. After he had pointed it out, he 
 assured me he always liked to take a good sample home, as it 
 amused the ladies. Upon this, noticing with admiration the beau- 
 ty of his dress-coat, I asked him to allow me to look at the skirt. 
 He readily did so, and I quietly took out my pen-knife and cut a 
 large piece from the tail. The gentleman bounced and swore, but 
 I told him I always took samples of cl<>th, as I found they greatly 
 interested my wife. I added, that he had no more right to take 
 my wheat than I had his coat, and that I wished the public to be 
 impressed with this truth ; for when thousands of people visited 
 one's fields, and each took away some ears, the losses annually 
 were very great.' 
 
 LAURA Bridgman, who is deaf and dumb and blind, keeps a 
 diary. In one of her recent entries, she refers to her devoted friend, 
 Miss Sarah White ' I had,' she writes, ' a very pleasant day. I 
 have been very hilarious. My mind is very full of drollery and 
 mirthfulness. I wish that my dear teacher would have a little 
 share of my mirthfulness. She does not like fun as well as I do. 
 1 love fun so much.' 
 
 TAKING CARE OF No. 1. A negro having purchased a hat, 
 was observed to take it from his head on the fall of a shower of 
 rain, and to manifest particular anxiety to preserve it from the wet. 
 On being remonstrated with for his supposed stupidity in thus 
 leaving his head exposed, he wittily observed, ' Hat belong to me 
 head beloug to massa.' 
 
 COLERIDGE ON HORSEBACK. Coleridge was a remarkable awk- 
 ward horse-man, so much so as generally to attract notice. He 
 was once riding along the turnpike-road in the county of Durham, 
 when a wag, approaching him, noticed his peculiarity, and (quite 
 mistaking his man) thought the rider a fine subject for a little sport, 
 when, as he drew near, he thus accosted Mr. 0. ' I say, young 
 man, did you meet a tailor on the road ?' ' Yes,' replied Mr. C., 
 who was never at loss for a rejoinder, ' I did ; and he told me, if 
 I went a little further, I should meet a goose !' The assailant was 
 struck dumb, while the traveller jogged on. 
 
MERRY COMPA-NIOK. 73 
 
 MRS. CAUDLE'S CURTAIN LECTURES. 
 
 All matrimonial men, who would dwell on wedlock's miseries ; 
 
 Prepare to hear a few remarks, and profit by the quizzuries: 
 
 Remember all I sing or say, while at ease at home you daudle ; 
 
 On the legacy left, Lectures compos' d by Mistress CAUDLE. 
 
 1 Do go to sleep, ma ami Well, indeed, I must confess I never 
 
 My very flesh begins to creep no doubt you're monstrous clever : 
 
 A pretty time of night, I'm sure, with grief I'm getting thinner, 
 
 Tho' in ev'ry way I try to save, yet you'll go out to dinner; 
 
 Yes, you'll subscribe to charities and lib'rally no doubt, 
 
 When the liquor's in such, people know that all the wit is out. 
 
 1 Where's your Watch ?' Upon the mantel piece I've sav'd it from 
 
 the wreck ; look, 
 You've a family, and thank your stars, I took away your cheque book. 
 
 Each spouse attend, 
 
 For I'm your friend, 
 
 And right in my conjectures ; 
 
 You'll own it just, 
 
 Improve you must, 
 
 By CAUDLE'S Curtain Lectures. 
 
 LECTURE II. 
 
 1 There that's enongh\ Pray what d'ye mean? Indeed it's no 
 
 such thing 1 ; 
 
 Your conduct 'tis but proper I should to your mem'ry bring 
 'A button off your shirt,' forsooth AVith rage how right to bristle 
 I will be heard be quiet folks don't come to bed to whistle. 
 Sir, threads and shirts will both wear out You're wearing out my life, 
 A pretty thing to storm aboutthe years I've been your wife! 
 
 ' Yes' What d'ye mean by 'yes,' Sir? If a button's off you'll chatter, 
 But if you saw me all in rags, I'm sure it would'nt mutter. 
 
 LECTURE III. 
 
 * Was there ever such a woman ?' Now what do you mean by that 
 I'm not a 'Mermaid,' but we'll wash to-morrow and that's flat, 
 'Then you'll not dine at home* Poor soul ! You hate the soap and 
 
 steam, 
 They'll say your wife 'twas drove you out the cause they little dream: 
 
 * Put the washing out, Oh, yes ! perhaps A very likely story 
 When a shilling ev'ry week is sav'd. No, * I'm not in my glory.' 
 
 * A paltry shilling !' ' Comfort /' In a year it will amount 
 But worry me and send me, do, to my last long account. 
 
 LECTURE IV. 
 
 ' No dinner, and no supper T Was that any fault of mine ? 
 Enough on that cold shoulder was for man and wife to diae ; 
 
74 MEllRY COMPANION. 
 
 You cannot blame me, I am sure, you can't be such a sinner, 
 AVas it I who ask'd you to invite six hungry men to dinner? 
 
 * You might have had a supper, little trouble 'twas you gave /' 
 The poor girl went to bed; she had work'd hard like a slave ; 
 
 But some folks have no conscience. * No!' now don't be so provoking 1 
 You're getting-, CAUDLE, quite a brute I'm sure you've been smoking 
 
 LECTURE V. 
 
 'Not gone eleven ? } Yes it has : How can you put that face on ? 
 
 Don't talk to me a pack of stuff. So you've been made a Mason ; 
 
 A pretty set, no doubt, well regulated lives, 
 
 It is very proper, very, to have secrets from their wives! 
 
 You'll have a latch-key! yes, of course, as I've often said, 
 
 You'd like to come some nig-ht and find me murder'd in my bed! 
 
 ' You are never after nine !' ' I'm a hedge-hog !' What d'ye mean? 
 
 Then here I must be troublesome. what a fool I've been! 
 
 LECTURE VI. 
 
 Well, how's your cough? Don't go to sleep let's have a little talk, 
 
 I know you're better, but I fear you've been too long awake, 
 
 He coughs.} There, all my nursing's thrown away Don't add to my 
 
 distress, 
 I've seen a charming satinet Some people want a dress. 
 
 * Don't bother /'CAUDLE, what a temper you have come to bed in' 
 Remember that to-morrow's th' anniversary of our wedding. 
 
 He snores.} Don't go to sleep that snore ! you're vex'd on me 
 
 don't reek your spite out. 
 
 Wake up, my love get up, my dear and go and put the light out. 
 All those who've heard, 
 May take my word, 
 I'm right in my conjectures; 
 Come own it just, 
 Improve you must, 
 By MRS. CAUDLE'S LECTURES. 
 
 EFFECTS OF ELOQUENCE. A country clergyman, preaching a 
 very dull sermon, set all his congregation asleep, except a poor 
 fellow who was generally considered deficient in intellect. At 
 length the reverend orator, looking round, exclaimed, 'What, all 
 asleep but this poor idiot!' 'Ay/ quoth the fellow, ' and if I had 
 not been an idiot I should have gone to sleep too.' 
 
 SPEEDY JUSTICE. ' Guilty, or not guilty?' asked a Dutch jus- 
 tice. ' Not guilty i* * Den, what do you want here ? Go about 
 
MEHRY COMPANION. 75 
 
 SCENE AT THE BATTLE OF EYLAU. 
 
 Never was spectacle so dreadful as the field of battle presented 
 on the following morning. About fifty thousand men lay in the 
 space of two leagues, weltering in blood. The wounds were, for 
 the most part, of the severest kind, from the extraordinary quan- 
 tity of cannon-balls which had been discharged during the action, 
 and the close proximity of the contending masses to the deadly 
 batteries which spread grape at half-musket shot through their 
 ranks. Though stretched on the cold snow, and exposed to the 
 severity of an arctic winter, they were burning with thirst, and pit- 
 eous cries were heard on all sides for water, or assistance to extri- 
 cate the wounded men from beneath the heaps of slain and load 
 of horses by which they were crushed. Six thousand of these noble 
 animals encumbered the field, or, maddened with pain, were shriek- 
 ing aloud amidst the stifled groans of the wounded. Subdued by 
 loss of blood, tamed by cold, exhausted by hunger, the foeman lay, 
 side by side, amidst the general wreck. The Cossack was to be 
 seen beside the Italian ; the gay vine-dresser from the smiling 
 banks of the Garonne, lay athwart the stern peasant from the plains 
 of the Ukraine. The extremity of suffering had extinguished alike 
 the fiercest and the most generous passions. After his usual cus- 
 tom, Napoleon, in the afternoon, rode through this dreadful field, 
 accompanied by his generals and staff, while the still burning piles 
 of Serpallen and Suassgarten sent volumes of black smoke over 
 the scene of death : but the men exhibited none of their wonted 
 enthusiasm ; no cries of Vive V Empereur were heard ; the bloody 
 surface echoed only with the cries of suffering, or the groans of 
 wo. 
 
 THE YORKSHIREMAN AND HIS FAMILY. 
 
 SEATED one day inside the Leeds Mail, a Yorkshireman came up 
 and saluted the guard of the coach, with, * I say Mr. guard, have you 
 a gentleman for Lunnun in coach?' * How should I know?' said the 
 guard. ' Well,' said he, * I arn ganging about four miles whoam, and 
 I'll gang 1 inside if you please, and then I can find him out my sen.' 
 On being: admitted into the coach, when seated, he addressed himself 
 to the gentleman opposite, and said, * Pray Sir, arn't you for Lunnun?' 
 * Yes,' said the gentleman. * Pray Sir, arn't you sumrnut at singing 
 line?' * What makes you ask?' said the gentleman. * I hope no de~ 
 fence] said he, 'only, Sir, you mun know I'm building a mill, and in 
 about three weeks I wants to have a sort of a house warming; and, as 
 we are very musical in our parts I plays the fiddle at church mysen, 
 
76 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 and my brother plays on a great long thing like a horse's leg painted, 
 with a bit of brass crook stuck in the end, and puffs away like a pig in 
 a fit; and as we have a vast of music meetings in our parts, I should 
 like to open my mill with a rory tory, and wanted to ax you to come 
 and sing at it.' 
 
 He then related a family anecdote : you mun know, Sir, that my 
 feyther died all on a sudden like, and never gave any body notice he 
 wur going to die, but he left his family in complete profusion ; and 
 when I found he wur dead, as I wur the eldest son, I thought I'd a 
 right to all the money. I told neighbour so, but he said, that tho* I 
 wur the eldest son, I had no right to all the brass; but I said I wur 
 not only the eldest, but that I wur the handsomest into the bargain, 
 for you never seed five such ugly, carrotty-headed devils among any 
 litter of pigs, as my five brothers and sisters. So when I found they 
 wanted to diddle me out of my intarnel estate, I determined to take 
 the law at the top of the regicides.' * And you applied to counsel no 
 doubt,' said the gentleman. * Na, I didn't,' said he * for I don't know 
 him, I went to one Lawyer Lattitat and paid him six and eight-pence, 
 all in good half-pence, and he wrote me down my destructions.' The 
 gentleman read his destructions, as he called them, which were as fol- 
 lows: 'You must go to the Temple, apply to a Civilian, and tell him 
 that your father has died intestate, or without a will, that he has left 
 five children, all infantine, beside yourself; and that you wish to know 
 if you can't be his executor.' * Well, what did you do?' said the gen- 
 tleman. ' Why, sir,' said he, ' I went to the Temple, and knock 'd at 
 the door, and the gentleman cum'd out himsen ;' and I said, * Pray 
 sir, arn't you a silly villain ? and he ax'd me if I cum'd to insult him; 
 and I said, why yes, I partly cum'd on purpose : I cum'd to insult you 
 to know what I am to do, for my feyther died detettedand against his 
 will, and left five young infidels beside mysen, and I am cum'd to know 
 if I can't be his executioner.' 
 
 LOOKING AFTER BUSINESS. Two Spanish officers recently met 
 to fight a duel outside the gate of Bilboa, after the seconds had 
 failed to reconcile the belligerents. At this moment, a poor fellow 
 approached the seconds, and in a lamentable voice said, 4 Gentle- 
 men, I am a poor artisan with a large family, and if you would 
 
 ' ' My good man, don't trouble us now,' cried one of the 
 
 officers; ' don't you see my friends are going to spit each other ? 
 We are not in a charitable humour.' ' It is not alms I ask for,' 
 said the man ; 4 I am a poor carpenter with eight children, and 
 my wife is sick; and having heard that those gentlemen were 
 about to kill each other, I thought of asking you to let me make 
 the coffins.' At these words, the individuals about to commence 
 the combat burst into a loud fit of laughter, and, simultaneously 
 throwing down their swords, shook hands with each other, and 
 walked away. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 77 
 
 DISTRIBUTION OF POETICAL JUSTICE. The grand father of Ben 
 Abon, the present governor of Riff, when Caid of Tangier, made 
 a great feast at the marriage of his daughter. One of his friends, 
 Caid Mohammed Widden, observed a man in mean attire in the 
 court, and ordered him out ; and, he not obeying, pushed him so 
 that he fell. That same night the keeper of an oven (there are 
 no sellers of bread, every one makes his own bread at home and 
 sends it to the oven) had barred his door and retired to rest, when 
 some one knocked at the door. ' Who is there ?' asked he. 'The 
 Guest of God,' was the answer.* ' You are welcome/ said the 
 oven-keeper ; and he got up and unfastened the doors. Having 
 nothing but remnants of the koscoupoo for his supper, and the piece 
 of mat upon which he lay, he warmed the koscoupoo in the oven, 
 and, after bringing water to wash his guest's hands, he set it before 
 him. He afterwards conducted him to the mat, and himself lay 
 on the bare ground. In the morning when he awoke, he found 
 the door unbarred, and the poor man gone. ' He had business, 
 and did not wish to disturb me ; and he went away modestly, being 
 ashamed of his poverty,' said the oven -keeper to himself. On taking 
 up the mat, he found under it two doubloons. This made him 
 afraid, and he put the money by, determining not to touch it, lest 
 it had been forgotten, or lest the poor man had stolen it, and put 
 it there to ruin him Some time afterwards an order came from 
 Fez for Mohammed Widden and the baker to repair thither. They 
 were both conducted to the place before the palace to await the 
 Sultan's coming forth. When he appeared they were called before 
 him. Addressing the first, he asked him if he recollected the feast 
 at the marriage of the daughter of the Caid of Tangier, and a poor 
 man whom he had pushed with his left hand, and lacked with his 
 right foot. The Caid Mohammed knew whom he had thus treated, 
 and trembled. The Sultan said ' The arm that struck me, and 
 the leg that kicked me, are mine, and cut them oft'.' The baker 
 now said to himself ' If he has taken the leg and the arm off this 
 Caid, he will surely take my head ;' so he (ell down upon the earth, 
 and implored the Sultan to have mercy upon him. The Sultan 
 said to him ' My son, fear not : you were poor, and took in the 
 beggar when he was thrust forth irom the feast of the rich. He 
 has eaten your bread and slept on your mat. Now, ask whatever 
 you please ; it shall be yours.' The Caid returned to Tangier 
 maimed and a beggar, and his grandson was lately a soldier at the 
 gate of the Sicilian consul. The baker returned riding on a line 
 mule, richly clothed, and possessed of the wealth of the other ; and 
 the people used to say as he passed by ' There goes the oven- 
 keeper the Sultan's host !' 
 
78 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 PAT AND THE MAGISTRATE; 
 
 OB, ALL A MISTAKE. 
 
 A PATLANDER with a pole as red as the Red Lion at Brentford 
 and rendered still more red by a copious discharge of blood, which 
 oozed through a dirty rag tied over a recent wound on his scalp, ap 
 plied to a magistrate for a warrant, when the following dialogue took 
 place : 
 
 Mag. Well, Pat, (for his countenance appeared as a sort of finger- 
 post, pointing to the road whence he came) what do you want? 
 
 Pat. I'd be wanting a warrant, your worship's glory. 
 
 Mag. Against whom ? 
 
 Pat. Agin Barney O'Leary, plaise your rivirince. 
 
 Mag. For what ? 
 
 Pat. For murther, your grace. 
 
 Mag. Whom did he murder ? 
 
 Pat. Murther! Och, the devil a crature but myself your excel- 
 lency. 
 
 Mag. Indeed! has he really been guilty of that? 
 
 Pat. By rny soul he has ! Bad luck to him ! He has made a hole 
 in rny napper big enough to bury a cat in. 
 
 Mag. He has not killed you outright, I see. 
 
 Pat. Och sure, it isn't his fault that he has'rit, for he intended 
 it, and nothing surer. 
 
 Mag. I supposd an assault warrant will suit yon ? When did he 
 assault you? 
 
 Pat. He 'saulted me last night, about two o'clock this morning, 
 your serene highness. 
 
 Mag. Did he strike you with a stick? 
 
 Pat. No, my lord, it was a small taste of a poker. 
 
 Mag. A poker ? ,what a dreadful murderous weapon. 
 
 Pat. Arrah ! sure your holiness, it is indeed, indeed. 
 
 Mag. Where were you when this happened? 
 
 Pat. Where was I ? sure I was in bed. 
 
 Mag. Asleep or awake. 
 
 Pat. As sound as a roach, your mnjesty. 
 
 Mag. And what provocation had you given him ? 
 
 Pat. Divil a provocation at all, most noble. How could I when 
 I was dead drunk asleep ? 
 
 Mag. What ! do you mean to say he came to your bedside, and 
 struck you in this dreadful manner without cause? 
 
 Pat. Yes, your mightiness barring he came to his own bedside 
 instead of mine, 
 
 Mag. His own bedside! were you in his bed? 
 
 Pat. Faith, you have just guessed it, your rivirince. 
 
 Mag. And what brought you there? 
 
 Pat. That's more than I can tell, your honour, barring it was the 
 liquor. 
 
MEEET COMPANION. 79 
 
 Mag. Was this all you did to provoke his anger? 
 
 Pat. Divil a thing- else. 
 
 Mag. Was there any other person present? 
 
 Pat. Not a crature independent of his wife, that was in bed with 
 me, your grace. 
 
 Mag His wife ! were you in bed with his wife? 
 
 Pat. In course I was, your worship ! 
 
 Mag. And don't you think you deserved what you got? 
 
 Pat. Is it me? Not I, indeed, it was all a mistake. 
 
 Mag. Mistake ! 
 
 Pat. Yes, I thought it was my own wife in the dark, I went into 
 the room in a mistake ! 
 
 Mag. Well, I hope you committed no other mistake. You must 
 be careful in future. I connot grant you a warrant. 
 
 Pat. Thank your majesty. If he hits me again it shall go for 
 something. By my soul, I will give him a crack that will knock him 
 into the middle of next week. So an illigant good day to your might- 
 iness. 
 
 Pulling up his unmentionables, he hopped oft* in a real Irish trot. 
 
 It turned out that Paddy went into the bed unconscious of where 
 he was, till Barney gave him a gentle hint with the Poker, and fortu- 
 nately his skull was thick enough to resist the intended finisher. Bar- 
 ney's sleeping beauty was also awakened by the shock, who gave her 
 tender assistance in larruping the intruder out of the chamber of her 
 lord and master. 
 
 ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. .Philip the Second, 
 walking one day alone in one of the cloisters of the convent of the 
 Escurial, an honest tradesman, seeing the door open, went in. 
 Transported with admiration of the fine paintings with which that 
 religious house is adorned, he addressed himself to the king, whom 
 he took for one of the servants of the convent, and desired him to 
 show him the paintings and explain the subjects of them. Philip, 
 with all the humility and condescension of a lay brother, conducted 
 him through the apartments, and gave him all the satisfaction 
 he could desire. At parting, the stranger took him by the hand, 
 and squeezing it affectionately, said, 4 1 am much obliged to you, 
 friend ; I live at St. Martin's and my name is Michael Bombis ; 
 if you should chance to come my way, and call upon me, you will 
 find a glass of good wine at your service.' 'And my name/ said 
 the pretended servant, ' is Piiilip the Second, and if you will call 
 upon me at Madrid, I will give you a glass of as good.' 
 
 DEFINITION OF MAN. 'Man,' says Adam Smith, 'is an animal 
 that makes bargains. No other animal does this no dog ex- 
 changes bones with another.' 
 
80 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 IIUSH ECHOES. Beauty and gaiety, vvit, wine, and worth, made 
 that day's dinner the most charming of domestic convivialities, and 
 it was succeeded by many equally delightful. The custom was 
 (when the elements were propitious) after the removal of the cloth, 
 to enjoy the dessert and wine at fresco^ in the portico. One of the 
 pastimes on such occasions was the remarkable echo, mentioned 
 early in our story, and which the rector called his oracle, the mode 
 of consulting it being to frame the question so that the last word 
 or syllable would be a plausible answer, on the plan of a well-known 
 dialogue of Erasmus. ' Now you shall hear, Mr. Vivyan, how well 
 our echo understands the state of Ireland/ Then he proceeded 
 to catechise the nymph as follows, taking care to pronounce the 
 final words of each sentence in a sufficiently loud tone: * What is 
 the chief source of the evils of Ireland ?' Land ' What is the state 
 of Minister?' Stir. 4 What are they doing in Connaught?' Naught. 
 ' 'Why don't they reclaim their morasses?' Asses. ' Should we 
 not excite them to industry ?' Try. 4 Inform us what the deriva- 
 tion of Erin is ?' Erinnys. (The ancient name of the Furies.) 
 Then the curate, with his stentorian lungs, uttered the following 
 interrogatories, shaped with a view to show that the echo was of his 
 way of thinking. " What would you give the Catholics ?' Licks. 
 4 Who best deserves a fat rectory ?' Tory. But the echo answered 
 questions of another kind equally to the satisfaction of the company ; 
 for, on being asked 4 In what wine shall we drink the health of 
 Colonel Dabzac ?' the airy tongue replied, with the same prompti- 
 tude and sharp distinctness, Sack. 
 
 A WELL-KNOWN Leicester alderman now dead, on being urgently 
 pressed to accept the civic office, replied, ' Well, if I inun, I 
 mun ; there's no eternity,' which being interpreted into radical 
 English, means, ' Well, if I must, I must ; there's no alternative.' 
 
 AN ACTION OF THE BEAUTIFUL. I have said a great deal 
 about prospect and landscape ; I will mention an action or two, 
 which appear to me to convey as distant a feeling of the beautiful 
 as any landscape whatever. A London merchant, who, I believe, 
 is still alive, while he was in the country with a friend, happened 
 to mention that he intended, the next year, to buy a ticket in the 
 lottery ; his friend desired he would buy one for him at the same 
 time, which of course was very willingly agreed to. The conver- 
 sation dropped, the ticket never arrived, the whole affair was en- 
 tirely forgotten, when the country gentleman received information 
 that the ticket purchased for him by his friend had come up a prize 
 of 20,000. Upon his arrival in London he inquired of his friend 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 81 
 
 where he had put his ticket, and why he had not informed him 
 that it was purchased. ' I bought them both the same day, mine 
 and your ticket, and I flung them both into a drawer of my bureau, 
 and never thought of them afterwards.' ' But how do you distin- 
 guish one ticket from the other? and why am I the holder of the 
 fortunate ticket more than you? 7 4 Why, at the time I put them 
 into the drawer, I put a little mark in ink upon the ticket which I 
 resolved should be yours, and upon re-opening the drawer I found 
 that the one so marked was the fortunate ticket.' Now this action 
 appears to me perfectly beautiful ; it is the beau ideal in mortals, 
 and gives that calm, yet deep emotion of pleasure which every one 
 so easily receives from the beauty of the exterior world. SYDNEY 
 SMITH. 
 
 MIRTH CREATORS. 
 
 ' Come here, my little man,' said a gentleman to a youngster of four 
 years of age, when sitting in a parlour where a large company were 
 assembled ; * do you know me?' ' Yes, sir, I think I do.' ' Who am 
 I, then -let me hear?' 'You are the man what kissed sister Jane 
 last night in the parlour.' Jane fainted. 
 
 What is the difference between a Puseyite and a Baptist? One 
 uses wax candles, and the other dips. 
 
 A publican's wife, in Suffolk, whilst in church fell asleep, and let 
 fall her bag, in which she carried a large bunch of keys. Aroused by 
 the noise, she jumped up and exclaimed, 'Sally, there's another jug 
 broke!' 
 
 An exemplary young lady up town is very particular about closing 
 the window-curtains to her room before retiring for the night, in order 
 to prevent ' the man in the moon' from looking in. 
 
 There is a young man in Toledo who has grown round shouldered 
 through bending over so much to kiss the girls, who nre rather short 
 in his neighbourhood. 
 
 A buxom Parisian widow recently married a youthful poet. After 
 the wedding she took him aside, and, in a penitential tone, begged his 
 forgiveness for having deceived him in declaring that her income 
 amounted to two thousand francs a year. ' And you haven't it?' ask- 
 ed the poet ; adding, after a pause, ' Well it's of no consequence 
 don't trouble your head about such a trifle!' ' But, you misunder- 
 stand me,' said the bride, ' I only mis-stated the amount it is twenty 
 thousand !' The account states that the poet pardoned her, the other 
 way, with equal facility ! 
 
 1 Confusion to the man,' said a carpenter, 'that invented working by 
 candlelight.' 'Ay, or by daylight either,' ivjoiiied his apprentice. 
 
 F 
 
82 MEBRT COMPANION. 
 
 Louis XIV. A robber, who had managed to effect his way 
 into one of the royal apartments of Versailles, and was in the act 
 of placing a small ladder against the wall, to possess himself of a 
 beautiful time-piece, when the king came in and disturbed his 
 plans. The robber, however undaunted, made a low bow, saying, 
 ' I was going to take that time-piece down, but I am afraid the 
 ladder will slip.' His majesty thinking the man had orders to re- 
 pair the clock, offered his assistance, and held the foot of the lad- 
 der, while the fellow took it down. A few hours afterwards the 
 general talk was of a most beautiful time-piece having been stolen, 
 which the king happening to overhear, said, ' Hush ! I am one of 
 the parties, I held the ladder to help the man to get it down/ 
 
 A man being brought before a magistrate for knocking down 
 and stamping on a man named Matthew, his lawyer said they 
 could not blame a man for wiping his feet on a Mat. 
 
 ALL MUST LOVE. 
 
 THE high-crown'd Queen on her canopied throne, 
 
 Of love must the anguish bear; 
 She feels it a sadness to reign alone, 
 
 And her king'dom fain would share. 
 The noble fair, in her warded tower 
 
 Must passion's votary prove ; 
 And the jewelled dame, in her courtly bower, 
 
 Resigns her gold for iove ! 
 Can then a simple heart go free ? 
 
 No ! 'twas decreed by heaven above, 
 That high or low, whoe'er they be, 
 
 All must love ! 
 
 The mailed knight, from the armed throng, 
 
 Must to love, a vassal bow ; 
 The minstrel, most renown* d in song, 
 
 Must to beauty pay his vow ! 
 The solemn judge, and the schoolman grave, 
 
 Can neither exist alone. 
 The pedant sage, yields woman's slave ; 
 
 Love's power they all must own ! 
 Can then a simple heart go free ? 
 
 No ! 'twas decreed by heaven above, 
 That high or low, whoe'er they be, 
 
 All must love ! 
 
MEEEY COMPANION. 83 
 
 HE VOS A VERY JONTEEL MAN FOR ALL DAT. 
 
 MAIS ! I am Monsieur Jean Francois Marie Louis Grenoble. In 
 Angletere here, I vas vat you call de emigrant: because in the revo- 
 lution, ma foil ven my countree, dat I love so much, vanttocut off my 
 head, I take to my feet, and ran avay very fast, so dat de guillotine, 
 by gar, can no cut short my valk over de sea not at all. Here I 
 make de montre, vat you call de vatch. I am de horloger, de clock 
 maker, and get de living by de tick. Mais dans Paris in my own 
 countree I vas very large man indeed, vas nobleman, vas son altesse 
 de Prince Grenoble, and stood very high indeed (though I am but a 
 little man now) in de grand Armee Royal. 
 
 De other day I vas valk in vat you call your High Park, vere dere 
 are no bucks vid de horns, but de bucks dat come from de Londres de 
 city, and leaves dere wives to valk here ; and no deer, but the pretty 
 little girls, and parbleu, dey are very dear indeed, pretty indeed, very. 
 Veil, I vas valk dere, and see sit on de bench for vast de call to dine 
 vid dey Duke Humphrey, un pauvre homme ; he seem very hungry, 
 very cold; he looked very dirty, very ragged, and very poor indeed 
 but he appear a very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 I go to him, and I say to him for I see him in de twinkle of de 
 eye he vas von Frenchman vas my countreman mon ami, my friend, 
 my countreman, for vat you sit on dis bench here, to dine vid de Duke 
 Humphrey ? vy you no go to de cook-shop, de restaurateur, vere dey 
 eat de beef and de mouton, and de sallad, and de pomme de terre? 
 
 He say to me, ' I am brave Francois I am jontilehornme I am 
 one of de first men in all France but I am sans souis, point d'argent ; 
 I have not one single farthing dans tout le moiide ; not a halfpenny 
 in all de world, and no credit at all. 
 
 Den he show me his pockets filled vid very large holes, but nothing 
 else; but he appear very jonteel man for all dat; and all at once, 
 immediately, directly, instammenty in de half second, I recollect to 
 have seen him in Paris, dress in all de silver and de gold lace. Jon- 
 tilhomme or noble, I forgot which, but it vas all de same. I look at 
 him again ma foi! he have no lace but de rags, and no silver but de 
 grey hair dat grow out of de great hole in de crown of his hat, like 
 you see de pigeon's claw out of de top of de pie but he vas a very 
 jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 He make de graceful bow to me ; mon Dieu ; his knee come out of 
 de pantaloon, and I see his great toe look at me out of de end of his 
 pump but he vas a very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 I say to him, my sGuritrernan, mon ami, no 1'argent, no credit, no 
 dinner; vat for you leave your lodgement den? vy you no take de re- 
 freshment, de sleep in your bed ! 
 
 He say to me, * Ah, mon ami ! I have no lodgement, no bed ; I lodge 
 in de open air, vere I pay no rent, and I sleep here; de bench is my 
 mattrass, and de tree dat hang over rny head de curtain, and sometime 
 de seminal he come and tuck me in vid de butt-end of his bayonet; 
 
84 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 for de Jean Bull no have de politesse todeautrefoisjontilhommeatall! 
 but 1 am a very jonteel man for all dat.' 
 
 Sacre bleu! no lodgement, no bed; pauvre homme, my heart is all 
 melt vid de great big- pity for you, my friend, my countrernan, I shall 
 take you home to my maison, and give you de dinner and de sleep for 
 de night ; for though you have no money, no credit, no dinner, no 
 lodgement though your hair grow out of de top of de hat, your knee 
 valk out of de pantaloon, and your great toe peep out of de end of your 
 pump your shoe, I see you are a very jonteel man for all dat. My 
 landlady she is particulaire, she no like de stranger sleep in her do- 
 micile, so ve vill vait and get de bon appetite till it is dark den you 
 sail pull off your shoe, and ve vill steal up de stair, and nobody sail 
 know ve are dere. 
 
 So he pay de great compliment, give me de grand thanks : for though 
 his beard vas like de great black shoe brush stuck on his chin, and 
 had no been shave for one month, he vas very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 Veil, ve valk under de tree, and talk of de grand restaurateur, vere 
 dey have de five hundred dishes for dinner, and de splendid palace of 
 de great monarque a Versailles, till at last it grow to de dark night 
 den ve steal home to my lodgement, and I open de door vid de little 
 key vot I have in my pocket ; den I rub my shoe on de mat, and I 
 leave de dirt mon ami, my countreman, he rub his shoe on de mat 
 and he leave de sole dere but he vas very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 Ve have de littel joke on his lose de sole ; den I pull off my shoe 
 and dere is my stocking mon ami, my countreman, he pull off his 
 shoe, and dere is only his foot, he have no stocking at all but he vas 
 very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 Veil, ve have de little joke because he no have de stocking, and ve 
 creep up de stair, light as de feather, vidout any body hear ; for rnori 
 ami, my countreman, pauvre homme, he have no flesh, only de bone, 
 for vant of de something to eat very often but he vas very jonteeJ 
 man for all dat. 
 
 Veil, ve get into my room, mon apartment, mon chambrealit; dere 
 I strike de light, make de fire, lay de cloth, and get my dinner from 
 de cupboard. I pull out de large piece of bread, de neck of de mouton 
 dat was boiled yesterday, and de great dish of soup maigre, dat I make 
 hot; and I say, now mon ami, my countreman, ve vill have de dinner; 
 but before I commence I say de grace. ParbleuJ my friend he com- 
 mence, and no say de grace at all but he vas very jonteel man for 
 all dat. 
 
 I got up for de cloth to put under my chin, dat I may no grease my 
 frill vid de soup maigre ; begar, ven I came back to help myself, begar, 
 dere is none ! mon ami, my countreman, he have swallowed it all up 
 but he vas very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 Veil, ve have de littel joke about de soup maigre, sure not to grease 
 de frill den, and I go to take some mouton ! begar ! dere is only de 
 bones mon ami, my countreman, he have eat up all de meat but he 
 vas very jouteel man for all dat. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 85 
 
 Veil, ve have de littel joke, and I laugh a littel on de wrong- side of 
 my mouth, about my friend eat all de meat and leave me de bone, and 
 I go to make a shift wid de crust of de bread, but by gar, dere is no 
 bread at all ; mon arni, my countreinan he eat all de bread vile I eat 
 de soup but he vas very jonteel man for all dat. Ve not have de 
 littel joke dis time, and I content myself vid de cheese paring and de 
 bit of salt. 
 
 At last it came time to go to bed and I say, mon ami, mycountre- 
 nian, ve vill aller coucher, put our heads in de night-cap : veil, I pull 
 off my coat, dere is my vaistcoat mon ami, my countreman pull off 
 his coat, by gar, dere is no vaistcoat at all but he vas very jonteel 
 man for all dat. 
 
 I pull off my vaistcoat dere is my shirt ; mon ami, my countreman, 
 have no vaistcoat to pull off, and, by gar, dere is no shirt at all but 
 he vas very jonteel man for all dat. 
 
 I say, mon ami, my countreman, dere is de old sack dat de garden- 
 er bring vid de pomme de terre, you sail make de shift vid dat. Veil, 
 he lay on de potatoe sack for his shirt, and I go to sleep : in de matin 
 I vake and look for mon ami, rny countreman, and by gar, he is no 
 dere ! I look for my breeches, and by gar, dey are no dere. 
 
 Veil, 1 say I vill put on rny vaistcoat and my coat, and see if he is 
 gone down stair. By gar, dey are no dere ; nor more is my hat nor 
 my stocking, nor my shoe, nor my anything; but dere is de chapeau, 
 vid de hole in de top, de pantaloon out of de knee, de shoe dat have 
 no sole, and very little body, and de dam greasy, rusty, ragged habit 
 of mon ami, my countreman. 
 
 Veil, I say, he has dress himself in all my tings by mistake ; he 
 have no money, no credit, no lodgement, his hair grow out de top of 
 his hat, his knee valk out of his pantaloon, his toe look out of his pump, 
 his sole come out of his shoe ; he eat my supper vile I turn my head, 
 and no leave me none he have no vaistcoat, no shirt he make a shift 
 and sleep in my potatoe sack he get up vile I sleep and run avay vid 
 all my clothes, it is all bad, ma foi but he vas very jonteel man for 
 all dat. 
 
 So I make de fire vid his old clothes, as dey were too bad for de 
 Jew wrap myself in de blanket, arid I think I vill go to my vork 
 again ; ven, by gar, I find all the vatch les montres dat vas left by my 
 customers, because dey would not go, had all go vhile I vas asleep ; 
 mon ami, rny countreman, had taken them vhile I vas dormi, and I 
 vas ruin, and obliged to run avay but he vas very jonteel man for 
 all dat. 
 
 A woman in New Hampshire, who had been ill used by her 
 husband, on finding him sound asleep, one day, quietly sewed him 
 up in the bed clothes, and then gave him a tremendous thrashing. 
 
 DID the " Heat of Passion" ever cook anybody's goose? 
 
8(5 MEKEY COMPANION. 
 
 SPARKS OF FUN. 
 
 FAMILY RECKONING. Two Irishmen lately met who had not seen 
 each other since their arrival from Dublin's fair city. Pat exclaimed, 
 * How are you, my honey; how is Biddy Sullivan, Judy O'Connell, 
 and Daniel O'Keefe?' ' Oh ! my jewel,' answered the other, * Biddy 
 has got so many childer that she will soon be a grandfather; Judy 
 has six, but they have no father at all, for she never was married. 
 And, as for Daniel, he's grown so thin, that he is as thin as us both 
 put together.' 
 
 'This must be a very inconvenient town to live in,' said a Cockney 
 to an inhabitant of Ryde ; * for I understand you have to get all your 
 milk from Cowes?' * Not so bad as London,' replied the Isle of Wight 
 wag, * for they tell me you get all your milk from Wells !' 
 
 A young lady was told by a married lady, that she had better pre- 
 cipitate herself oft' Niagara Fall into the basin beneath than marry. 
 The young lady replied, 4 1 would if I thought I could find a husband 
 at the bottom.' 
 
 It was a favourite saying of Wilberforce's, or Deaf Burke' s The 
 man who pledges his health too often, will soon be left with nothing 
 else to pledge/ 
 
 Adam Smith was at times very absent. He was told he had sent a 
 letter to a lady unsealed. He called on her the following day and said, 
 4 My dear madam, I have brought you the wafer I forgot to put in 
 your letter.' 
 
 At the time Lord John Russell was defeated at two elections, an anony- 
 mous writer sent him a sixpenny drum, with the inscription, / am 
 beaten on both, sides. 
 
 A conceited coxcomb called out to an irish labourer, * Here, you 
 bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you 
 to a jug of whiskey-punch,' 4 My troth ^ returned Pat, 4 an* yer hon- 
 our's a gintlemau.' 
 
 A person well known in Wellington, has assured us that he has in 
 his possession the identical knife with which Napoleon 'cut his stick' 
 from the field of Waterloo. 
 
 A widow once said to her daughter, * When you are at my age it 
 "will be time enough to dream of a husband.' ' Yes, mamma,' replied 
 the thoughtless fair one, 4 for a seconb time.' 
 
 An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman 
 observed that he had read it in a book several years ago. 4 Confoumi 
 those ancients,' said the Irishman, 4 they are always stealing one's good 
 thoughts.' 
 
 4 How beautiful,' said a lady, not remarkable for her cleanliness, 
 * the face of nature looks after a shower!' 4 Yes, madam, and bo 
 would yours, after undergoing a similar process.' 
 
MEltttY COMPANION. 87 
 
 HENRI IV. As bis majesty was one day hunting in the Ven- 
 domois, he lost sight of his retinue, and was about to return alone, 
 when he saw a peasant seated under a tree ; * Well, and what are 
 you doing here, my good man ?' said the king. ' Faith/ I am 
 waiting to see the king go by, sir.' ' Oh, is that all,' replied 
 Henri, ' then get up behind me, and I will take you somewhere 
 where you will be able to see the king at your ease.' The boor 
 mounted, and held himself on the horse, by twining his arms round 
 the monarch. * But, I say, sir, how shall I be able to know the 
 king from the others ?' 4 Very easily ; he will be the only one who 
 will not take his hat off. Presently they were discovered by the 
 gentlemen of the suite, who all uncovered themselves, and paid 
 their respects to the monarch. ' Well, and who now is the king ?' 
 said Henri, mildly. 'Why,' replied the peasant, 'it must be 
 either you or I ; for I don't see any but we two with our hats on.' 
 
 THE TORTOISE-SHELL TOM-CAT. 
 
 OH, what a story the papers have been telling us, 
 
 About a little animal of mighty prize, 
 And who ever thought but an Auctioneer of selling us, 
 
 For near three hundred yellow boys, a trap for mice ; 
 Of its beauties and its qualities, no doubt he told them fine tales, 
 But for me, I should as soon have bought a cat of nine tails ; 
 I wouldn't give for all the cats in Christendom so vast a fee, 
 No to save 'em from the catacombs of Catalani's catastrophe; 
 Kate of Russia, Katterfelto's cat, and Cataluni, 
 Are every one 
 By Tom outdone, 
 As you shall hear. 
 
 [Spoken.] We'll suppose Mr. Cat's-eye, the Auctioneer, with his 
 catalogue in one hand, and a hammer like a Catapulta in the other, 
 mounted in the rostrum at the great room in Cateaton-street. 
 
 * Hem ! Leds and Gemmen Cats are of two distinctions : Thomas 
 and Tabby This is of the former breed, and the only instance in 
 which I have seen beauty monopolized by a male ! Look at him, ladies! 
 what a magnificent mouser ; meek though masculine ! The curious 
 concatenation of colour in that Cat, calls Categorically for your best 
 bidding. Place a proper price on poor Pussy ; consult your feline 
 bosoms, and bid me knock him down. 
 
 Ladies and Gentlemen, a-going, going, going 
 
 Any sum for Tommy Tortoise-shell you can't think dear.' 
 
 Next I shall tell ye, the company around him, 
 
 They emulously bade as if they were all wild ; 
 Tom thought them rnad, while they King of Kittens crown'd him. 
 
 And kiss'd, caress'd, and dandled him just like a child : 
 
88 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 Lady Betty Longwaist, and Mrs. Martha Griskin, 
 Prim Polly Pussey-love, Miss Scratch, and Biddy Twiskin, 
 Solemn Sally Solus, who to no man yes had ever said, 
 Killing Kitty Crookedlegs, and neat Miss Nelly Neverwed, 
 Crowding, squeezing, nodding, bidding, each for Puss so eager. 
 
 Have Tom they would, 
 
 By all that's good, 
 As you shall hear. 
 
 [Spvken in different voices."] Irish LadyOcli, the dear crater, 
 how beautiful he looks when he shuts his eyes! beautiful indeed! 
 He'd even lure the mice to look at him. 
 
 Auctioneer. Forty-five guineas in twenty places 
 
 By different Ladies. Sixty-five ! Seventy ! Eighty ! Ninety ! 
 
 Auctioneer. Go on Ladies; nobody bid more? It's enough to make 
 a Cat swear to think he should go for so little. If the Countess of 
 Catamaran was here, she'd outbid ye all. Miss Grimalkin, you are a 
 
 connoiseur in Cats, what shall I say? Ninety-five guineas, sir. 
 
 (In an old tremulous tone.) 
 
 Auctioneer. Thank you, Miss Mem, it does not signify, you 
 
 may bid as you will, but he shall be mine, if I bid all day. One hun- 
 dred and twenty, sir. 
 
 Auctioneer. Thank you, Lady Letty. Take a long, last lingering- 
 look, Ladies. What a wonder! The only Tortoise-shell Tom the 
 world ever witnessed ! See how he twists his tail, and washes his 
 whiskers! Tom, Tom, Tom ! (Cat mews.) How musically and Hi- 
 vinely he mews, Ladies! One hundred and seventy guineas, sir. 
 
 Auctioneer. Thank you, Miss Tabby, you'll riot be made a cat's 
 paw of, depend on it. (Ladies laugh.) Glad to hear you laugh, Ladies: 
 I see how the Cat jumps now; Tommy's going. 
 
 Ladies and Gentlemen, a-going, going, going, 
 
 Any sum for Tommy Tortoise-shell you can't think dear. 
 
 Now louder and warmer the competition growing, 
 
 Politeness nearly banish'd in the grand fracas. 
 Two hundred two hundred and thirty-three a going 
 
 Gone t Never cat of talons met with such eclat : 
 Nay nine or ten fine gentlemen were in the fashion caught, as well 
 As ladies in the bidding for this purring piece of Tortoise-shell. 
 The buyer bore him off in triumph, after all the fun was done, 
 And bells rung as if Whittington had been Lord Mayor of London. 
 Mice and rats flung up their hats, for joy that cats so scarce were, 
 And mouse-trap makers rais'd the price full cent, per cent, I swear, sir. 
 
 A LOVE-SONG. I've seen her out a walking, in her habit de la 
 rue, and it ain't no use a talking, she's pumpkins and a lew. She 
 glides along in beauty, like a duck upon a lake. * Oh ! I'd be all 
 love and duty, if I only was her drake. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 89 
 
 AMUSING BITS. 
 
 'Mr. Smith, don't you think Mr. Skeesicks is a young man of 
 parts?* 4 Decidedly so, Miss Brown, he is part numskull, and 
 part knave, and part fool !' 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght makin a hoyle e ther mariners, wha it ad be 
 a good job if thay nobbat wod, and fill it up we sum better. 
 
 A lady, upon taking up Shelly's novel, The Last Man, threw it 
 down very suddenly, exclaiming, ' The Last Man ! Bless me ! if 
 such a thing were ever to happen, what would become of the 
 women ?' 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght bein tiard a ther life, an weel thay may ta 
 see ther daily carryin on. 
 
 Its been discuvard at a sarvant lass can hear t'saand ov hur 
 sweetheart's whissal raand t' corners a fifteen hauses, an't fall ov 
 hiz fooit t'length ov a street, 
 
 4 Did you ever go to a military ball?' asked a lisping maid of 
 an old veteran. 4 No, my dear/ growled the old soldier, * in those 
 days I had a military ball come to me ; and what d'ye think ? It 
 took my leg off!' 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght bein up ta snuff, ay an sic like ar offance 
 fun we empty cannisters. 
 
 An Irish lady wrote to her lover, begging him to send her some 
 money. She added, by way of postscript, *I am so ashamed of 
 the request I have made in this letter, that I sent after the post- 
 man to get it back, but the servant could not overtake him.' 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght takiu t'shine aght e ther nabors, that may 
 be, an noan be sa verry breet thersenze after all. 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght cheatin the dival, when 'truth iz heze win- 
 nin them e ivvery wurldly gam thay play. 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght hevin a clear conscience, hey, so clear it's 
 ta be feard, wal sum hez noan at all. 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght bein born ta trubble, hey, an likely en if 
 reard to bring trubble ta uthers, at caant be borne. 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght bein poor, when at same time, ther gold iz 
 sinkin em knee-deep intut fat at land. 
 
 SLIGHT MISTAKE. A premium was lately offered by an agri- 
 cultural society for the best mode of irrigation : and the latter word, 
 by a mistake of the printer, having been changed into ' irritation,' 
 a farmer sent his wife to claim the prize ! 
 
90 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 * I must g-et married,' said a bachelor to his married friend, * for I 
 can never find a button on a clean shirt.' * Take care,' said the Ben- 
 edict, with a sigh,' or you may chance upon a -wife who will not find 
 you a clean shirt to a button.' 
 
 I give lessons in music and drawing-, as the donkey said, when he 
 began to bray and drag a cart after him. 
 
 * I see through it,' as the old lady said, when the bottom of her tub 
 fell out. 
 
 THE GENEALOGICAL SERMON. 
 
 AN ANECDOTE. 
 
 ' I had,' says a clergyman, ' for a co-curate, a very impulsive and ra- 
 ther democratic man. Our rector was an aristocrat. One Sunday 
 he had delivered himself of a sermon in which he incidentally justified 
 family pride, and spoke in a manner that must have been offensive to 
 any poor person present, of any intelligence or independance ; and as 
 we were leaving the church, my brother curate exclaimed, with unaf- 
 fected indignation, * Well, that crowns 's toadying discourses. 
 
 Such things are intolerable. But I'll administer an antidote next Sun- 
 day ; see if I don't. Like Herod's worms, our rector's pride is eating 
 him up.' I did not attempt to dissuade him. Our rector treated both 
 both of us with a condescension that was anything but flattering ; and 
 he thought more of being a ' gentleman' (upon which he was always 
 indirectly vaunting himself) than of being a Christian, forgetting what 
 Coleridge said, that there was no real gentleman without he was a 
 Christian. 
 
 * Next Sunday morning my brother curate carried out his threat. 
 He told me nothing about how he proposed to manage or mould his 
 course ; so judge my surprise when, mounting the pulpit, he gave out 
 as his text, the third chapter of Luke, part of the 23rd, and the whole 
 of the 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st, 32nd, 33rd, 34th, 
 35th, 36th, 37th, and 38th verses; 'in which' (he continued) will be 
 found the following words;' and then, to the marvel of the whole con- 
 gregation, who turned towards the pulpit with eyes and mouth open, 
 lie read the whole of the sixteen verses, beginning with * Joseph, 
 which was the son of Heli,' and ending with, * which was the son of 
 Enos, which was the son of Seth, which was the son of Adam, which 
 was the son of God.' Every one is familiar with the peculiar and 
 strange effect upon the ear of the repetition of the words, * which was 
 the son,' even when occurring in the reading-desk ; but in the pulpit, 
 as a prefix to a sermon in the shape of a text, they sounded oddly. 
 The rector looked to me for an explanation, and I did not know where 
 to look ; while the principal person of the parish manifestly came to 
 the conclusion that my brother curate was gone mad. But if he were, 
 he soon showed them that there was method in his madness ; for he 
 ingeniously evolved out of these sixteen verses a discourse that might 
 have served as an essay on the Republican legend of Liberty, Equality, 
 
ME11RY COMPANION. 91 
 
 and Fraternity.' The reader has probably anticipated me in the use 
 he made of his long- text. 
 
 * Here,' said he, * we have a genealogical tree, not traced by the flat- 
 tery of sycophants, nor the uncertainty of heralds, but by the unerring 
 Evangelist, whose inspiration enabled him to mount from branch to 
 branch, a genealogy beginning with God, and ending, as far as my 
 text goes, with a poor Galilean carpenter. Here is a lesson and a re- 
 buke for the pride of descent. The poorest carpenter, in the poorest 
 village in England, can trace his lineage through the same unbroken 
 succession ; and the proudest peer can do no more, unless the latter, 
 in his presumption, should be disposed to ignore his divine origin. 
 But it would be no use ; by whatever different branches, they arrive 
 at the same root ; the noble and the peasant, if both had the power 
 of going back over their ancestry, would both meet at the 38th verse 
 of the 3rd chapter of Luke : * Which was the son of Enos, which was 
 the son of Seth, which was the son of Adam, which was the son of 
 God.' 
 
 * Here* (he continued, looking at the rector's and the squire's pews) 
 * here we all meet on equal terms. Disown them as we like in other 
 degrees, here we are brought face to face with, and can no longer re- 
 fuse to acknowledge, our poor relations.' 
 
 ' Then, looking to some forms on which a group of alms-house people 
 eat, he continued, 
 
 " Here, too, my poor friends, you, and your ' superiors,' meet in the 
 presence of your common parent, the great God of heaven and earth, 
 in whose eyes the factitious distinctions of the world are nought. 
 Cold-shoulder you as they like through life, they cannot ignore their 
 relationships when they come to this ; they can no longer speak of 
 you, spurn you, as though you were formed of different clay. The 
 carpenter and the king are one ; and how little importance St. Luke, 
 who was no sycophantic genealogist, attaches even to the reg'al office, 
 may be seen from the manner in which he passes through the 31st 
 verse, where no pause is made to mark the proud title of David, which 
 was merely the son of Jesse, which was the son of Obed, and so on.' 
 
 " In conclusion, he urged the poor man to live up to his great origin, 
 and not disentitle himself to that great share in the inheritance of 
 which his heavenly Father had laid up for his children who truly 
 serve him. They need not care for the proud man disowning them 
 now ; the thing to be feared was God disowning them on the last day. 
 The rich he enjoined to feel for the poor as for brothers, if they would 
 not offend that great Being who has a father's interest for all. 
 
 ' I thought the rector would never forgive my co-curate ; but the 
 only notice he took of the eccentric discourse was, to cease for ever 
 after preaching to the * humbler orders,' of the deferance they owed 
 their * superiors.' It was before so bad, that a neighbouring clergy- 
 man said to me ; * If your rector had to put on an eleventh command- 
 ment, it would run thus : Thou shalt not neglect to take off thy hat 
 to myself and the squire. 
 
92 MEllEY COMPANION. 
 
 WIT OF THE ANCIENTS. 
 
 PHILIPPIC, a greedy and unprincipled fellow at Rome, being 
 attacked by Catulus the orator, asked him why he barked? ' Be- 
 cause,' replied Catulus, ' I see a thief.' 
 
 As Diogenes was one day washing herbs for his dinner. Aristip- 
 pus passed by, * Ah,' cried Diogenes, * if you knew how to wash 
 herbs, you would not be a dependant on kings.' 'And if you/ 
 replied Aristippus, ' knew how to be a dependant on kings, you 
 would not wash herbs.* 
 
 THALES used to say that the oldest of all things is God, for he 
 is unborn ; that the most beautiful of all things is the world, for it 
 was made by God ; that the greatest of all things is space, for it 
 contains all things ; that the swiftest of all things is thought, for 
 it runs over all things ; that the strongest of all things is necessity, 
 for it conquers all ; that the wisest of all things is time, for it dis- 
 covers all. 
 
 THALES, on a certain occasion, observed that death differed little 
 from life. 'And why do you not die then?' asked one of his 
 hearers. ' Because it would make little difference,' was the reply. 
 
 THALES being asked which was the elder of the two, night or 
 day, * Night/ replied he, 'by one day.' 
 
 BEING asked what was most difficult, he said, ' To know ones 
 self,' 
 
 Being asked what was most easy, he said, ' To give advice to 
 another.' 
 
 Being asked what was the most extraordinary thing that he had 
 seen, he said, 'An old tyrant.' [He meant that it was wonderful 
 that tyrants were not assassinated before they reached old age. 
 
 AULUS Sempronius was candidate for an office, and went, accom- 
 panied by his brother Marcus, to a certain Vargula, who had a 
 vote. The brother saluted Vargula, and offered to embrace him, 
 * Boy,' cried Vargula, calling to a slave, 'drive away the flies.' 
 
 PHILIP THE GOOD. As Philip, Duke of Burgundy, was walk- 
 ing through the streets of Bruges, he found on his path a drunken 
 man, sound asleep. He had him removed and carried to the ducal 
 palace, where having caused him to be stript of his rags, he was 
 placed in one of the richest beds, with a costly night-shirt on his 
 body, and a perfumed night-cap on his head. As may be supposed, 
 
MEftRY COMPANION. 93 
 
 the poor drunkard was not a little amazed when be awoke, to find 
 himself in such strange circumstances he was much more so when 
 he saw several fine gentlemen approach him with low bows, in- 
 quiring what dress his 'highness would be graciously pleased to 
 wear on that day. This question, of course, completed the poor 
 fellow's astonishment ; he was, he said, nothing more than a 
 wretched cobbler but it was all to no purpose, the attentions paid 
 to him were redoubled, and he at length fonnd himself compelled 
 to submit to all their officiousness. When he was dressed, the 
 transformed cobbler was conducted in state to the chapel, to hear 
 mass; at the end of which ceremony, he good naturedly allowed his 
 hand to be kissed, which, however, as may be supposed, was not 
 one of the fairest. After this pantomine, he was sumptously fared, 
 then taken for an airing in a superb chariot, then to the opera, 
 and to wind up all, to a magnificent ball, where the most lovely 
 creatures he ever beheld, vied with each other to please and to amuse 
 him. A substantial supper followed the dance ; bottle after bottle 
 passed before the eyes of the enraptured cobbler, glassfuls after 
 glassfuls followed each other in rapid succession down his throat ; 
 till at length, completely overwhelmed by liquor and excitement, 
 he dropped of into a sound sleep, during which he was once more 
 reinstated in his old clothes, and carried to the spot whence he 
 was conveyed to the Duke's palace. The next morning he could 
 not find words enough to relate to his wife with sufficient effect, 
 the delightful dream he had had 
 
 WHEELING POETRY MAKING THE BEST OF IT. A Yankee, 
 out a-walking in Virginia, at Wheeling, while to himself a talking, 
 experienced a feeling strange strange, painful, and alarmin' ; 
 from his cap up to his kness, as he suddenly discovered, he was 
 covered o'er with bees.' They rested on his eyelids, and perched 
 upon his nose, they colonized his peaked face, and swarmed upon 
 his clothes. They explored his swelling nostrils, and dived deep 
 in his ears, they crawled up his ' trowsers,' and filled his eyes with 
 tears. Did he yell like an hyena? Did he holler like a loon? 
 Was he scar' I, and did he * cut and run ?' or did the critter swoon ? 
 Ne'er a one. He wasn't scar't a mite ; he never swoons, or hollers, 
 but he hived 'em in nail-keg tight, and sold 'em tor two dollars. 
 
 THE heart of woman draws to itself the loves of others as the di- 
 amond drinks up the sun's raysonly to return them in tenfold 
 (strength and beauty. 
 
94< MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A SCOTCHMAN IN DISGUISE. The following 1 anecdote was told 
 at a meeting in Edinburgh, the other day, by Sir A. Alison, the 
 historian. * Marshal Keith had the command of the Austrian army, 
 which long combated the Turkish forces on the Danube, under 
 the Grand Vizier, and after a long and sanguinary combat, the 
 two generals came to a conference together. The Grand Vizier 
 came mounted on a camel, with all the pomp of Eastern magnifi- 
 cence. The Scotch Marshal Keith, from the neighbourhood of 
 Turriff, in Aberdeenshire, at the head of the Austrian troops, had 
 a long conference, and, after the conference, the Turkish Grand 
 Vizier said to Marshal Keith that he would like to speak a few 
 words in private to him in his tent, and he begged that no one 
 should accompany him. Marshal Keith accordingly went in, and 
 the moment they entered, and when the conference in the tent had 
 closed, the Grand Vizier threw off his turban, tore of his beard, 
 and, running to Marshal Keith, said : ' Ou, Johnnie, foo's a' wi' 
 ye, mon !' And he then discovered the Grand Vizier of Turkey 
 was an old school-companion of his own, who had disappeared 
 thirty years before, from a parish school near Methlie.' 
 
 THE EMPRESS CATHERINE. 
 
 Jegur's embassy at the Russian imperial court, in the reign of 
 Catherine the II., a stranger of the name of Sunderland filled the 
 office of treasurer to the empress. One morning he was informed 
 that his house was surrounded by soldiers, that the commanding 
 officer requested an audience. 
 
 This officer, whose name was Relieu, then came in with an ap- 
 pearance of the utmost consternation ; ' Mr. Sunderland/ said he, 
 'it is with indescribable grief that I see myself called upon to per- 
 form on you an execution of a most horrible nature, oh ! horrible 
 in the extreme ! and I am totally ignorant of what crime you can 
 have been guilty, to have incurred the mighty displeasure of her 
 most gracious majesty." " I ! what have I done ?'' replied tho 
 treasurer, in amazement. " What in the world do you mean ? I 
 know no more than you do, what I can have done. And what is 
 that dreadful execution you speak of?' ' Sir,' answered the officer, 
 fetching his breath,' I really have not courage to mention it it is 
 fearful.' 
 
 4 Have I then lost the confidence her majesty trusted in me?' 
 
 ' Oh, if that were all, you would not see me so affected. Con- 
 fidence may be regained : an office may be restored.' 
 
 4 Well,' nsked Sunderland, ' am I to be banished banished to 
 Siberia; oh, tell me, is that my dreadful fate?* 
 
ME RUT COMPANION. 95 
 
 ' It might be possible for you to return from there. That is not it.' 
 
 'Am I then to be cast into a dungeon?' 
 
 ' That were preferable/ 
 
 ' Gracious Heavens! am I then to suffer the knout P 9 
 
 ' It is a dreadful torture ; but you might recover it is not that.' 
 
 ' Oh ! for the mercy of heaven, no longer keep me in doubt 
 am I then to die?' 
 
 'My gracious sovereign/ replied the officer, trembling v/ h 
 emotion, ' ordered me to have you good heavens ! how dreadful 
 to have you stuffed !'* 
 
 *To be stuffed !' exclaimed the astonished treasurer, 'to be stuff- 
 ed!' Either you must have lost your senses, or her majesty must 
 be in a dream. Surely, you never received this order without re- 
 monstrating on its barbarity ?' 
 
 4 Alas! my poor friend, it was all to no purpose. * Go/ said her 
 majesty, 'and recollect that it is your duty to execute what orders 
 I deign to give you!'* 
 
 It would be impossible to depict the amazement, the anger, the 
 fear, the despair of the poor treasurer, that one short quarter of an 
 hour was granted him to put his affairs in order; and it was with 
 extreme difficulty that permission was given him to write a short 
 note to Earl Bruce. His lordship having read this note, stood 
 transfixed, as may be supposed, with astonishment ; he lost no 
 time in requesting an audience of the empress, to whom he re- 
 vealed the contents of Sunderland's note, 
 
 Catherine, hearing this strange recital, was at a loss to imagine 
 what it could be that had given rise to this extraordinary circum- 
 stance. ' Good heavens !' she exclaimed, ' run, run, my lord, and 
 be in time to deliver my poor treasurer from his terror/ 
 
 The earl hastened to Sunderland's house, fortunately, in time 
 to save him ; and on his return, found the empress laughing to 
 her heart's content ; her majesty had discovered the cause of this 
 estrangement. ' I see now,' said she, ' how it is ; my poor little 
 favourite dog, that I had christened Sunderland, after my treasurer, 
 who had made me a present of it, lately died, aud I gave orders 
 to have it stuffed this morning/ 
 
 Foaks tawks abaght killin time, hey, and if it wor hengin, wun 
 Irtiuf at country ad hev ta swing for it. 
 
 A man with one eye laid another a wager that he (the one eye) saw 
 more than the other. The wager was accepted. * You have lost,' 
 said one-eye, * I can see two eyes in your face, and you can see only 
 one in mine ' 
 
 * To impale and to stuff are expressed by the same word in Russian.' 
 
96 MERRY 
 
 Louis XIV. The Grand Monarch once said to one of his 
 courtiers, whose simplicity he was well aware of: 'Do you know 
 Spanish ?' ' No, sire.' ' I am very sorry for it.' ' I will learn it,' 
 replied the courtier, whose imagination was immediately fired 
 with the thought of the possibility that he might be appointed 
 ambassador to the Spanish court. He accordingly applied him- 
 self with the utmost assiduity to his task, and in a short time again 
 presented himself to the king ; 'Sire,' said he, ' I now know Span- 
 ish well, and can talk and read it with ease/ 'Indeed,' answered 
 Louis, 'I am very glad of that you can now read Don Quixote 
 in the original.' 
 
 WONDERFUL DEVELOPEMENT OF INTELLECT. 'You see, 
 grandma,' said a hot-bed specimen of juvenile precocity, 'that 
 when I suck this egg, or more properly speaking, when I extract 
 the nutritive matter by a sudden and peculiar action of the muscles ' 
 of the throat, I first make an incision in the apex, and then a cor- 
 responding aperture in the base.' ' Mercy on me ! O how things 
 do change!' exclaimed the old lady, in such surprise that her old 
 spectacles dropped off at the flashing of her almost sightless eyes ; 
 ' when I was a gal, all we did was to make a hole in each end and 
 down it went. My stars ! this 'ere child haint got long to live, J 
 know.' 
 
 PREACHING FOR BACON 
 
 A Methodist paraon, whose name it was George, 
 A jolly brisk tinker just come from the forge, 
 A virtuous woman, who was George's friend, 
 He often went to her, her soul for to mend. 
 
 This good woman's husband no metfaodist he, 
 But a true honest churchman, jovial and free, 
 He lov'd his brown jug, like a true honest man, 
 His house was hung round with bacon and ham. 
 
 George lov'd this man's wife, and often went to her, 
 And would of a slice of good bacon make sure, 
 Till at length her husband great notice had taken. 
 And found that his friend came a preaching for bacon. 
 
 Then he look'd round the house with an eager intent, 
 For he was determined to know how it went; 
 He went out, as usual, they thought, to his work, 
 But this cunning sly boots stepp'd a^ide to lurk. 
 
MERRY COMPANION 97 
 
 By and bye he came in, and he found them at prayer; 
 They look'd very earnest, devout and sincere ; 
 Then he look'd round the house he'd reasons to guess, 
 For he plainly could see that his bacon grew less. 
 
 He look'd round once more, so cunning- and sly, 
 And in George's pocket he cast a quick eye : 
 He saw something: in it tied up in a rag, 
 Says he, ' honest man, what's that in thy bag?' 
 
 * then,' replied George, * it is God's holy word, 
 The sacred scriptures we have from the Lord ; 
 For when I'm at home I never am idle, 
 
 But make it my duty to read in my Bible/ 
 
 * Then pull out thy Bible,' the churchman replied, 
 
 * Or else, by the devil, I'll bible thy hide ! 
 
 I will beat thee within half-an-inch of thy life : 
 For thy Bible is bacon thou'st stole from my wife !' 
 
 WHEN SOLON was entertained by Thales at Miletus, lie ex- 
 pressed some wonder that he did not marry and raise a family. 
 To this Thales gave no immediate answer ; but some days after 
 he instructed a stranger to say, 'That he came from Athens ten 
 days before.' Solon inquiring ' What news there was from Athens ?' 
 the man, according to his instructions, said, ' None, except the 
 funeral of a young man. which was attended by the whole city ; 
 for he was the son, as they told me, of a person of great honour, 
 and of the highest reputation for virtue, who was then abroad upon 
 his travels.' "* What a miserable man is he!' said Solon: 'but 
 what was his name?' 'I have heard his name,' answered the 
 stranger, ' but do not recollect it ; all I remember is, that there 
 was much talk of his wisdom and justice.' Solon, whose appre- 
 hensions increased with every reply, was now much disconcerted, 
 and mentioned his own name, asking, ' Whether it was not Solon's 
 son that was dead ?' The stranger answering in the affirmative, 
 he began to beat his head, and to do and say such things as are 
 usual to men in a transport of grief. Then Thales, taking him by 
 the hand, said with a smile, 'These things that strike down so 
 firm a man as Solon, kept me from marriage and from having 
 children : but take courage, my good friend, for not a word of what 
 Las been told you is true.' 
 
 * Gang through the wood, laddie,' as the wright sang to the saw. 
 G- 
 
98 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 THE following anecdote appeared a short time since in an 
 American paper: Clem and Dinah went to a magistrate in Vir- 
 ginia to be married. Clem asked the magistrate his price. * It is/ 
 said he, l two dollars for marrying coloured people/ Clem 
 asked how much he had to marry white people ; 4 Five dollars,' 
 replied the magistrate. * Well,' said Clem, ' you marry Dinah 
 and I as you do white people, and I will give you five dollars.' 
 After the ceremony, the magistrate demanded his fee ; but Clem 
 objected to the payment, saying, ' no, massa, you no come up 
 U/de agreement you no kiss de bride;' at which the magistrate 
 said in a rage, l get out of my office, you rascal ;' so Clem got 
 married for nothing. 
 
 FUNNY BOOK-TITLES. 
 
 I DARE say you have heard of the book entitled 'Crumbs of 
 Comfort for Zion's Chickens.' I have before me a few titles in- 
 dited in a similar strain. In the reign of Elizabeth, great atten- 
 tion was excited by a series of pamphlets, directed against the ec- 
 clesiastical measures of the time, by an author who was never dis- 
 covered ; but who wrote under the assumed name of Martin Mar- 
 prelate. They called forth numerous replies; of which I shall 
 quote three. The first is entitled, ' An Almond for a Parrot ; or 
 an Alms for Martin Mar-prelate. By Cuthbert Curry-knave." 
 The next is a short specimen of a practice very prevalent in old 
 books ; in which it was often attempted to combine title, preface, 
 and table of contents all in one. It runs thus : ' Pasquii's Apo- 
 logy. In the first part whereof he renders a reason of his long 
 silence; and gallops the field with the treatise on Reformation. 
 Printed where I was; and where I shall be ready, by the help of 
 God and my muse, to send you a Maygame of JVIartinism.' The 
 last has no less than four titles, all strung together ; thus, 
 'Pappe with a Hatchet ; alias, a Fig for my Godson ; or Crack 
 me this Nut ; that is, a sound Box on the Ear for the idiot Mar- 
 tin, to hold his Peace. Written by one that dares call a dog, a 
 dog. Imprinted by John Awake, and to be sold at the sign of 
 the Crab-Tree Cudgel, in Thwack- Coat Lane. 
 
 I have a few more titles, which belong to the age of Cromwell ; 
 and have mostly a devotional character. The first is entitled, 
 4 A most delectable sweet-perfumed Nosegay, for God's Saints to 
 smell at,' The next is, 'High-heeled Shoes for Dwarfs in Ho- 
 liness.' The third is, ' Salvation's vantage ground ; or a Leaping 
 Stand for Heavy Believers.' We then have one of a martial 
 character; being entitled, * A Shot aimed at the Devil's Head- 
 
MEERY COMPANION 99 
 
 Quarters ; by the tube of a Cannon of the Covenant;' and then 
 comes one of a more plaintive description: 'A Sigh of Sorrow 
 for the Sinners of Zion ; breathed in a Hole of the Wall, in an 
 Earthen Vessel, known among men by the name of Samuel Fish.' 
 A still sadder tone pervades the next : Seven Sobs of a Sorrow- 
 ful Soul for Sin ; or Seven Penitential Psalms of the Princely 
 Prophet David ; whereunto also are annexed William Hamnis's 
 Handful of Honeysuckles ; and divers Godly and Pithy Ditties, 
 now newly augmented/ The next is a continued string of alle- 
 gories ; heaped, in merciless profusion, one upon the other : ' A 
 Reaping-Hook well tempered, or the Stubborn Ears of the Coming 
 Crop ; or Biscuits baked in the Oven of Charity ; carefully conser- 
 ved for the Chickens of the Church, the Sparrows of the Spirit, and 
 the Sweet Swallows of Salvation.' You will perceive that the au- 
 thors of those days (who evidently thought there was a great deal 
 ' in a name,') resorted to every possible quarter for a taking title. 
 In their search for quaintness, they did not disdain even to visit 
 the kitchen ; so that we have ; * A pair of Bellows, to blow off the 
 cast upon John Fry;' 'The Snuffers of Divine Love;' and an 
 author seems to have reached the acme of outre-ism, when he gives 
 us the delectable title of, ' The Spiritual Mustard-Pot, to make 
 the Soul sneeze with Devotion.' 
 
 AN ASPIRATION FOR PLACE. 
 
 If kisses be the coin of love : 
 
 The die, sweet woman's rosy mouth 
 Found still on earth, where'er we rove, 
 
 Or east, or west, or north, or south ; 
 Let statesmen on to glory plod, 
 
 And climb ambition's path of flint, 
 I only wish the little god 
 
 Would make me master of his mint. 
 
 MRS. PARTI NGTON'S LAST. " Well, 1 ' said the old lady, the 
 other day, as she was engaged with her knitting work, " I wonder 
 if I ever shall be able to express myself correctly. It seems to 
 me I never can use the right word. Every time I undertake to 
 say anything, I make some blunder or other. Whenever I open 
 my mouth I am sure to put my foot into it /" and she drew a 
 deep sigh as she spoke, indicating that her mortification was in- 
 expressible. 
 
100 MERKT COMPANION 
 
 THE DELIGHTS OF A CHRISTENING. 
 
 GUSTAVUS FREDERIC RICHARD'S young Newcpme's name, 
 The sponsors have promised that while he is young 
 
 They'll teach him the devil and his works to shame 
 And when he grows up, the vulgar tongue ! 
 
 And see, the procession from church the street fills, 
 
 Led on by the parson with his rosy gills ; 
 
 And now they're come home, and the wit flies about, 
 
 Old niggardly Care by Good-humour kicked out. 
 
 Spoken.] Let me look at the pretty creature. Oh, bless his inno- 
 cent heart; mammy's eyes and daddy's nose to a T. I never saw- 
 such a sensible creature in my life. Why yes, I think he'll make a 
 very good match for my Georgina Carolina Helena Virgina Grideiina 
 Cosmopolita Maria Mopsey. La! madam, why what a vast quantity 
 of children you must ha' got. Goth, Vandal aud Hottentot. What's 
 that more of 'ern? No, no, neighbour, that's my wife's only daughter. 
 What, with all that string ? why, if I was a girl, and people were to go 
 through such a catalogue with me, I wish I may die, if I shouldn't 
 think they were calling me names. Liddle, liddle, liddle, liddle ! Oh, 
 the dear creature ! Oh, I wish I was married, and had such a sweet 
 child as you. 
 
 So at it go the clacks, not a tittle heard that's spoke, 
 And he's the greatest wit that can crack the loudest joke ; 
 All talking away, and nobody listening, 
 "Who so merry and so cheery as people at a christening ? 
 
 Now the fiddles are tuning, and up stands the throng, 
 
 Miss calls a cotillion, her Ma ALAMONG ; 
 
 In a jig, Madam Lump wants her limbs to reveal, 
 
 And Alderman Ninepin would fain take a reel. 
 
 "Widow Hobble a minuet begs she may walk. 
 
 Thus they glide, and they hop, and they skip, and they stalk, 
 
 Till, silence, there ! silence, they twenty times bawl, 
 
 And a country-dance quickly reconciles all. 
 
 Spoken.] Stay, stay, stay; before the dance begins, I move that 
 all the gentlemen salute the ladies. La! now, what a parcel of non- 
 sense ! how can you be so stupid? I beg you won't come near me. 
 Well, then, better give a fool a kiss than be troubled with him. My 
 dear Miss, shall I have the inexpressible and indescribable pleasure, 
 honour, felicity, delight, and satisfaction ? No, sir ; I desire you'll 
 go about your business; I didn't know I came here to be affronted. 
 La! Miss, how can you be so frumpish? the Captain only asked for 
 a civil salute : I assure you J shall not make such a fuss about it. 
 Places ! places ! 
 
 Figure in hands across right and left, and now hey, 
 So they skip, and they jump, and they foot it away ! 
 Nor to fiddles, nor themselves, nor to anything listening, 
 Who so merry and so cheery as people at a christening 1 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 101 
 
 Now the fans and the handkerchiefs soon go to pot : 
 
 I'm all in a muck; I'm prodigiously hot; 
 
 Some hartshorn and water; I'm fainting, I vow; 
 
 So they give her the brandy. Well, how are you now? 
 
 I'm prodigiously better; you are a good soul, 
 
 Wash it down with some negus Well, give me the bowl 
 
 And now the gay dance to the supper gives place, 
 
 The guests take their seats, and the parson says grace. 
 
 Spnken.~\ I move that every gentleman sits next his partner. Come, 
 Miss Clack, what shall 1 help you to? Shall I add a little to your 
 abundance? Now, you think I have a great deal of tongue. Oh, no, 
 my love, I meant brains. Miss Jazey, the Doctor drinks your health. 
 Lord ! how could you do so, pulling- me by the sleeve, I have thrown 
 the mustard into the gooseberry tart. Thank you, Doctor. Pray, sir, 
 is there any public news? I tell you, it's all a parcel of nonsense and 
 stuff: eighteen thousand men killed! for my own part I have too 
 much charity to believe it. Well, these are excellent puffs. Oh, sir, 
 the newspapers are full of them. Upon my word, ma'am, you make 
 capital punch. I propose a toast. Here's the young- Christian's 
 health, and may he give us as good punch as this at the christening- of 
 his first boy, and as handsome a fee. That of course. And now, Doc- 
 tor Drencher's health and song-. I'll give you, g-entlemen, Death and 
 the Lady. And thus the song-, and the glass and the jest go round, 
 
 Till in Old Care, begone Hearts of Oak Derry down 
 And if love's a Sweet Passion, their cares they all drown ; 
 Singing, bellowing, and laughing, and nobody listening, 
 Who so merry and so cheery as people at a christening 1 
 
 A SCENE IN COURT. "I call upon you," said the counsel- 
 lor, * to state distinctly upon what authority are you prepared to 
 swear to the mare's age?' "Under what authority? 7 said the 
 hostler interrogatively. " You are to reply, and not to repeat the 
 question put to you/' " I doesn't consider a man's bound to 
 answer a question afore he's time to turn it in his mind." 
 "Nothing can be more simple, Sir, than the question put. I again 
 repeat it. Under what authority do you swear to the animal's 
 age?" "The best authority/' responded the witness gruffly. 
 Then why such aversion ? Why not state it at once ?' ; " Well, 
 then, if you must have it " "Must! I will have it," vociferated 
 the counsellor, itnerrupting the witness. " Well, then, if you 
 must and will have it," rejoined the hostler with imperturbable 
 gravity, "why, then, 1 had it myself from the mare's own mouth." 
 A simultaneous burst of laughter rang through the court. The 
 judge on the bench could with difficulty confine his risible muscles 
 to judicial decorum. 
 
102 MEBET 
 
 FREDERICK IT. A page who had not been long in his majes- 
 ty's service, one morning early made his appearance in the king's 
 chamber, he had been ordered to awake him at that hour. 'Your 
 majesty,' said he, 'it is time to get up/ *0h ! I am tired,' replied 
 the king, * wait a little longer/ 'Your majesty ordered me to 
 awake you early/ 'Only a quarter of an hour more, and then I 
 will rise/ said the sleepy monarch. 'No, sire, not a minute! and 
 you must get up/ 'Well done!' cried Frederick, leaping off the 
 bed, 'you are a fine fellow ! That's the way to do your duty !' At 
 the close of seven years' war, Frederick, in company with his bro- 
 ther Henry, made a progress through Silesia. They visited, 
 amongst other places, a convent for men. The prior, as a parti- 
 cular favour, begged permission to take young novices. The king 
 graciously granted it, but, turning to his brother, he said in French, 
 a language he did not suppose the prior to be conversant with, 
 'We will send him a pair of donkies ; I have a couple of very fine 
 ones.' 'I am exceedingly obliged to you,' observed the prior, with 
 inimitable coolness, ' and my first duty will be to christen them 
 Frederick and Henry.' 
 
 MR. G . AND JERVAS. 
 
 Mr. G. Ha ! Jervas, how are you, my old boy ? now do things 
 go on at home ? 
 
 Steward. Bad enough, your honour, the magpie's dead. 
 
 Mr. G. Poor Mag ? so he is gone. How came he to die ? 
 
 Steward. Over ate himself, Sir. 
 
 Mr. G. Did he? a greedy dog ! Why what did he get that 
 he liked so well ? 
 
 Steward. Horse-flesh, Sir; he died of eating horse-flesh. 
 
 Mr. G. How came he to get so much horse-flesh ? 
 
 Steward. All your father's horses, Sir. 
 
 Mr. G What ! are they dead too ? 
 
 Steward. Ay, Sir, they died of over-work. 
 
 Mr. G. And why were they over-worked, pray? 
 
 Steward. To carry water, Sir. 
 
 Mr. G. To carry water ! And what were they carrying water for? 
 
 Steward. Sure, Sir, to put out the fire. 
 
 Mr. G. Fire ! what fire ? 
 
 Steward. Oh, Sir, your father's house is burnt down to the 
 ground. 
 
 Mr. G. My father's house burnt down ! and how came it to be 
 set on fire ? 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 103 
 
 Steward. I think it must have been the torches. 
 
 Mr. G. Torches ! what torches ? 
 
 Steivard. At your mother's funeral. 
 
 Mr. G. My mother dead ! 
 
 Steivard. Ah, poor lady ! she never looked up after it. 
 
 Mr. G. After what ? 
 
 Steward. The loss of your father. 
 
 Mr. G. My father gone too ! 
 
 Steivard. Yes, poor gentleman ! he took to his bed as soon as 
 he heard of it. 
 
 jf r . G. Heard of what? 
 
 Steward. The bad news. Sir, and please your honour. 
 
 Mr. G. What! more miseries ? more bad news? 
 
 Steward. Yes, Sir, your bank has failed, and your credit is lost, 
 and you are not worth a shilling in the world. I made bold, Sir, 
 to come to wait on you to tell you about it, for I thought you woultf 
 like to hear the news. 
 
 MATTHEWS AT EDINBURGH. 
 
 SIR Walter, the Magician of the North, and all his family, were 
 there. They huzzaed when he came in, and I never played with 
 such spirit, I was so proud of his presence. Coming out, I saw 
 him in the lobby, and very quietly shook his hand. ' How d'ye do, 
 Sir Walter?'' Oh, boo are ye? Wall, hoo have ye been enter- 
 tained ?' (I perceived he did not know me.) * Why, sir, I d'ont 
 think quite so well as the rest of the people.' ' Why not! I have 
 \)eer\just delighted. It's quite wonderfool hoo the deevil he gets 
 through it all.' (Whispering in his ear,) * I am surprised too ; but 
 I did it all myself!' Lockhart, Lady Scott, and the children, quick- 
 ly perceived the equivoque, and laughed aloud, which drew all eyes 
 upon me : an invitation for to-morrow followed, which I accepted 
 joyfully. 
 
 CONJUGAL APPRAISEMENT. A coach-trimmer at Glasgow was 
 recently fined 5s. at the police court, for having instigated two dogs 
 to fight and the fine not being forthcoming, he was locked up. 
 A short time afterwards his wife called to know if she could get 
 the dog, which had been taken to the office along with her husband. 
 The officer on duty suggested that she had better pay the fine, and 
 so release her husband and the dog, together. * Husband !' she 
 exclaimed : * I would give 50s. for my dog, but I would not give 
 6d. for him ! 
 
104 MERRY COMPANION". 
 
 A MAN in Ohio, well mounted, urging forward a drove of fat 
 hogs towards Detroit, met a charming lot of little girls, as they 
 were returning from school, when one of them, as they passed the 
 4 swinish multitude' made a very pretty courtesy. ' What, my little 
 gal,' said the man, 4 do you courtesy to a whole drove of hogs?' 
 4 No, sir,' said she, with a most provoking smile, * only to the one 
 on horseback !' 
 
 MRS. Partington's niece, upon being told by a young lawyer 
 that in the country where he resided they held court four times a 
 year, exclaimed, " La me ! why you aint half up to the buisiness 
 the young fellows here come a courting three times a week." 
 
 FEOM THE JOURNAL OF A BALLOONIST. 
 
 PASSING a cloud, I put out my hand and took a piece of it, and 
 squeezed it like a sponge, and the water ran out. The sun went 
 north about, but never set. At the distance of about fifty leagues 
 above the earth, we saw a white swan sitting on the corner of a 
 cloud. If we had had a gun we could have shot it. Passing by 
 the moon, we saw a fellow selling land at auction. He wished us 
 to give a bid, but we told him we had not come to buy lands in the 
 moon. We came across a comet, but it was asleep. It looked 
 like a terrapin, but had a tail like a fox. We came near a hail- 
 bank, and filled a hat to bring down with us. The hailstones were 
 about as large as a pigeon's egg. A thousand miles above the earth 
 we passed through a field of turkey buzzards. This would seem to 
 be their region, and accounts for the circumstance, that no one has 
 ever found a nest of one of these. These rookeries are out of sight 
 in the atmosphere. As we approached one of the heavenly bodies, 
 it appeared like an island. We struck upon a planet, but Garnerin 
 got out, and pushed off the balloon. We supposed it to be Mer- 
 cury, as we heard orators haranguing, and a multitude of tongues. 
 There were marriages going on in Venus, and in Mars we heard 
 the drums beat. We meant to have a pull at one of Saturn's rings, 
 but we were blown off the coast, and found ourselves in the latitude 
 of Herschel. Provisions failing, we thought proper to shape our 
 course towards the earth again. The first thing we saw was the 
 forest of Ardennes, which appeared like a shamrock. The Pyren- 
 nian mountains seemed like a bed of parsley ; and the Atlantic 
 Ocean about as large as Loch Svvilley. Within a furlong of the 
 earth, Garnerin gave me a parachute, and I came down. 
 
MERET COMPANION. 105 
 
 MATTHEWS AS CURRAN. 
 
 MR. PLUNKET, and about forty other gentlemen, after dinner 
 one day, had grown rather warm upon Queen Caroline, when Mr. 
 Shehan since editor of a Dublin paper, wishing to turn the conver- 
 sation and to draw out Matthews, proposed the health of John 
 Philpot Curran. ' Pooh, Pooh !' said Mr. Plunket, ' the man's 
 dead!' ' I differ with you entirely,' replied Mr. Shehan, ' and re- 
 turn to my toast.' ' Then, may be, you'll back your assertion with 
 a bet!' 'With all my heart; how much?' * I'll bet you five 
 pounds that John Philpot Curran is dead.' * Done !' added Mr. 
 Shehan ; 4 I'll bet five pounds that he is not. 9 The health of Mr. 
 Curran was accordingly drunk with cheers ; upon which, Mat- 
 thews rose and returned thanks in the tone, look, and manner of 
 Mr. Curran, for the 'honour done him ;' delivered a speech on the 
 trial of Queen Caroline, a subject on which Curran could never 
 have spoken ; and gave, altogether, such a personification of Ire- 
 land's celebrated wit, that his hearers were impressed with the act- 
 ual presence of the man : and Mr. Plunket, in an enthusiasm of 
 wonder, pushed over the bank notes to Mr. Shehan, exclaiming, 
 4 I've lost! fairly lost! Curran is not dead, nor will die, while 
 Matthews lives !' 
 
 THE WIFE TO THE WOOER. 
 
 WELL, then, since scorn has failed to cure 
 
 The love you press so blindly, 
 For once your reasons I'll endure, 
 And answer follies kindly. 
 
 I'll grant that you, more fair and gay 
 
 Than Luke to some may be ; 
 But light itself, when he's away, 
 
 Is never gay to me ! 
 Then go - then go ; for whether or no 
 He's fair, he's so to me ! 
 
 Its woods your summer-love may wreathe 
 
 In florid smiles and gladness ! 
 His lips, more often, only breathe 
 The trouble and the sadness 
 But ah ! so sweet a trust to truth, 
 
 That confidence of care ! 
 More joy, one grief of his to soothe 
 
 Than all your bliss to share. 
 Then go then go ; for whether or no 
 He grieve* 'tis bliss to share ! 
 
106 MEEBY COMPANION. 
 
 You say that he can meet or leave 
 Unmoved content without me ; 
 Nor recks what snares neglect may weave- 
 Too heedless ev'n to doubt me. 
 
 Ah ! jealous cares are poor respect ! 
 
 He knows my heart, my guide; 
 And what you deem is to neglect, 
 
 I feel is to confide ! 
 
 Then go then go; for whether or no, 
 I'll think he does confide. 
 
 And Luke, you say, can sternly look, 
 
 And sometimes speak severely ; 
 Your eyes, your vow, could ne'er rebuke 
 Your whispers breathe austeerly. 
 How know you of the coming cares 
 
 His anxious eyes foresee? 
 Perhaps the shade his temper wears 
 
 Is thought for mine and me ' 
 Then go then go; for whether or no 
 His frown has smiles for me. 
 
 But Luke, you hint, to others gives 
 
 The love that he denies me , 
 And hard, you say, in youth to live, 
 Without one heart to prize me ! 
 Well, if the parent rose be shed, 
 
 The buds are on the stem ; 
 My babes ! his love cuu ne'er be dead 
 
 Its soul has fled to them. 
 Then go then go! His rival? No: 
 His rival lives in them. 
 
 SIR E. L. BDLWliK. 
 
 A CONSPIRACY. Captain Marryatt relates the following story - 
 There were, and I believe still are, two lawyers in partnership 
 in New York, with the peculiarly happy names of Catchem and 
 Chetuni. People laughed at seeing these two names in juxta-po- 
 sitioi) over the door; so the lawyers thought it advisable to separate 
 them by the insertion of their Christian names. Mr. Catchem s 
 name was Isaac, Mr. Chetum's, Uriah. A new board was ordered, 
 but when sent to the painter, it was found to be too short to admit 
 the Christian names at full length. The painter, therefore, put only 
 the initials before the surnames, which made the matter still worse 
 than before, for there now appeared 4 1. Catchem and U. Chetum.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 107 
 
 STRANGE, Moore, and Wright, three notorious punsters met, 
 and dined together one day. After dinner Moore said, * There's 
 only one fool amongst us three, and that's strange.' ' Oh ! (cried 
 Wright) there's one more. 1 ' Ah ! (said Strange) that's right! 
 
 * HALLO, steward,' exclaimed a passenger in an American steam- 
 boat, after having retired to his bed, ' hallo, steward !' ' Plere, 
 massa.' ' Bring me the way-bill.' * What for, massa?' ' I want 
 to see if these bugs put down their names for this birth before I 
 did. If not, I want 'em turned out.' 
 
 THE HONOURABLE MOOR. 
 (A Spanish Anecdote.) 
 
 A SPANISH cavalier, in a sudden quarrel, slew a Moorish gen- 
 tleman, and fled. His pursuers soon lost sight of him ; for he had, 
 unperceived, thrown himself over a garden-wall. The owner, a 
 Moor, happening to be in his garden, was addressed by the Span- 
 iard, on his knees, who acquainted him with his case, and implored 
 concealment. * Eat this/ said the Moor, ' you now know that you 
 may confide in my protection.' He then locked him up in his 
 garden apartment, telling him, that as soon as it was night, he 
 would provide for his escape to a place of safety. The Moor then 
 went into his house, where he had but just seated himself, when a 
 great crowd, with loud lamentations, came to his gate, bringing 
 the corpse of his son, who had just been killed by the Spaniard. 
 When the first shock of surprise was a little over, he learnt, from 
 the description given, that the fatal deed was done by the very 
 person then in his power. He mentioned this to no one ; but as 
 soon as it was dark, retired to his garden, as if to grieve alone, 
 giving orders that none should follow him. Then, accosting the 
 Spaniard, he said ' Christian, the person you have killed is my 
 son, his body is now in my house. You ought to surfer ; but you 
 have eaten with me, and I have given you my faith, which must 
 not be broken.' He then led the astonished Spaniard to his sta- 
 bles, and mounted him on one of his fleetest horses, and said, 
 * Fly far while the night can cover you, you will be safe in the 
 morning. You are indeed guilty of my son's blood: but God is 
 just and good, and I thank him I am innocent of yours, and that 
 my faith given is preserved !' 
 
 This point of honour is most religiously observed by the Arabs 
 and Saracens, from whom it was adopted by the Moors of Africa, 
 and by them was brought into Spain. 
 
108 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 AMUSERS. 
 
 1 KITTY, where's the frying 1 pan ?' ' Johnny's got it, carting- mud 
 and oyster shells up the alley, with the cat for a horse.' ' The dear 
 little fellow! what a genius he'll yet make; but go and getit. We're 
 going to have company, and must fry some fish for dinner.' 
 
 * What makes the milk so warm !' said Betty to the milkwoman when 
 she brought her pails to the door one morning. * Please, murn, the 
 pump handle's broke, and missus took the water from the biler.' 
 
 The Persians have a saying that * ten measures of talk were sent 
 down upon the earth, and the woman took nine.' 
 
 The matrimonial blacksmith at Gretna Green, being asked why old 
 women were so fond of matrimony, replied. * You know that old wood 
 catches fire in an instant.' 
 
 An old count paid his addresses to one of the richest heiresses of 
 Paris. In asking her hand in marriage, he frankly said to her, 'Miss 
 B., I am very old, and you are very young: will you do me the hon- 
 our to become my widow?' 
 
 A gentleman was lately inquiring for a young lady of his acquaint- 
 ance. ' She is dead,' very gravely replied the person to whom he ad- 
 dressed his inquiries. * Good God ! I never heard of it what was her 
 disease ?' ' Vanity,' returned the other ; ' she buried herself alive in 
 the arms of an old fellow of seventy, with a fortune, in order to have 
 the satisfaction of a gilded tomb.' 
 
 * Ma, that nice young man, Mr. Sauftung, is very fond of kissing?.' 
 * Mind your seam, Julia; who told you such nonsense?' * Ma, dear, 
 I had it from his own lips!' 
 
 ' It's very well,' said Mr. Dodd's helpmate, ' for the moral papers 
 to keep saying, don't get in a passion; but, for my part, when Mr. D. 
 goes to bed with his rnuddy boots on, I kind of bile over !' 
 
 ' How these shopkeepers will fib it ;' said Mrs. Parting-ton, with an 
 expression of pain on her venerable features ; * that young man I bought 
 those needles of said they were good-tempered, and only see how piti- 
 fully this one has masecrated my finger.' 
 
 " Susan, I will commit suicide if you wont have me." " Well, John, 
 as soon as you have given me that proof of your affection, I will believe 
 that you love me." 
 
 The Chronicle tells of a man meeting two attorneys, one of whom 
 he did not kuow, but asked his friend to be introduced to his brother- 
 in-law. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 109 
 
 THE Count of Alb having occasion to go from Versailles 
 
 to Paris, heard in company that the Marquis of M , whom he 
 
 did not know, was about to perform that little journey. He accos- 
 ted him, and said, 4 Sir, I understand you are going to Paris; in 
 your carraige, no doubt.' 'Yes, sir; could I do any thing for 
 you ?' ' You would do me a great favour if you would take charge 
 of my great coat.' ' Certainly, sir ; and where shall I leave it?' 
 'Oh, don't trouble yourself on that score, sir, I shall be in it 
 myself.' 
 
 CONJUGAL HARMONY. 
 
 A MAN in Germany advertised that he had an organ that would 
 play any tune out of an enumerated set at the command of any 
 one of the audience ; this made a great noise at the time, and 
 puzzled all the conjurors and philosophers of the place. The organ 
 was placed on a table with its back against the wall, the company 
 were invited to examine it, then ask for a tune, which was imme- 
 diately played, and if any one desired it to stop it was instantly si- 
 lent ! This went on for a long time, and the ingenious inventor 
 was making a rapid fortune, and the secret would have been bur- 
 ied with him, had he not behaved most inharmoniously towards 
 his loving wife one day, just before the performance was about to 
 commence. The room was crowded, as usual, and a tune was 
 called for, but not a note was heard ; the owner became uneasy, 
 and said, in a soothing coaxing tone, 4 do blay. my coot organs ;' 
 still not a sound was heard : he got out of patience, and threaten- 
 ed to smash the instrument to pieces, when a hoarse female voice 
 was heard to growl out 4 Ay, do, you tyvel, preak de organs, as 
 you broke my head dis morning.' This was too much for the 
 cholerick German ; he took a chair, and gave the instrument such 
 a whack, that it drove it through a paper partition in the wall, car- 
 rying with it another organ, which had been placed close at the 
 back of the sham one, at which sat the obstinate grinder his wife 
 
 AN honest Irishman, fresh from Hibernia, caught a humble-bee 
 in his hand, supposing it to be a humming-bird. 4 Och,' he ex- 
 claimed, ' how hot his little fut is !' 
 
 MARSHAL SAXE. 'Here's peace concluded,' said the marshal ; 
 'we shall now be laid aside and forgotten : we are like cloaks 
 only wanted in rough weather. 
 
110 
 
 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 HOOT AND BRANCH. Sarah, Duchess of Maryborough, was 
 accustomed to make an annual feast, to which she invited all her 
 relations. At one of these family meetings she drank their health, 
 adding, " What a glorious sight it is to see such a number of bran- 
 ches flourishing from one root !" but observing Jack Spencer laugh, 
 insisted on knowing what occasioned his mirth, and promised to 
 forgive him, be it what it would. " Why then, madam," said he, 
 " I was thinking how much more the branches would flourish if 
 the root were under ground. 5 ' 
 
 BURNING THE BREECHES, 
 OR, LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP. 
 
 John Gosling was a homely man, 
 
 And seldom went astray ; 
 His dame was faithful, good arid kind, 
 
 And with him had grown gray. 
 
 He sang his song before the lark, 
 
 And rose before the sun, 
 And yet when Sol had gone to bed, 
 
 John's work was oft undone. 
 
 Three score years the pair had told, 
 Two score she'd been a bride: 
 
 They'd had more children and less 
 
 words, 
 Than many had beside. 
 
 She had less faults than many have, 
 More virtues too could boast: 
 
 John knew all this but yet he knew 
 She'd one, greater than most. 
 
 John gave her all his hard earned gains 
 And though not very small, 
 
 Yet 'twas her wont when John did sleep, 
 His clothes to overhaul ! 
 
 He felt hard, and justly felt, 
 
 By her to be suspected 
 Of guilt which in her whole life 
 
 She ne'er had once detected. 
 
 Once on a time, more than his wont. 
 He labour'd night and day, 
 
 And yet his dame did not receive 
 More than his usual pay. 
 
 By dint of perseverance, John 
 
 A pound-note had put by, 
 And for the first time in his life, 
 
 He'd done it on the sly ! 
 
 The dame suspecting something hid, 
 Knew from her fingers' itches : 
 
 Got up one morn before her time, 
 To search her good man's breeches. 
 
 She'd hardly got the fire a-light, 
 When Johnny Gosling woke, 
 
 And starting up his head, he saw 
 Her hand was in his poke. 
 
 Then tiger like, he cried in rage, 
 " I'll stop your prying games ;" 
 
 Then seizing on the breeches, he 
 Did thrust them in the flames. 
 
 But when the dame had wept and 
 
 groaned, 
 
 And brought her husband round: 
 " Ne'er mind the breeches, dame," cried 
 
 John, 
 " But give me back the pound." 
 
 " I have no pound, John, if I had, 
 
 I'd show it in a minute ; 
 If thee'dst a pound, John, in thy poke 
 
 Thee'st burnt that and all in it !" 
 
 SOFT WATTAR. A luv tear. A QUIAT ANIMAL. A cloaze-horse. 
 
MEE11Y COMPANION 111 
 
 TEARS OF THE HERO OF AUSTERLITZ. Who forgets the anec- 
 dote of Napoleon and the village bells of Brientz ? He was riding 
 late one day over a battle-field, gazing stern and unmoved on the 
 dying and the dead that strewed the ground by thousands about 
 him, when suddenly "those evening bells" struck up a merry 
 peal. The Emperor paused to listen ; his heart was softened ; 
 memory was busy with the past ; he was no longer the conqueror 
 of Austerlitz, but the innocent, happy school-boy at Brientz ; and 
 dismounting from his horse, he seated himself on the stump of an 
 old tree, and to the astonishment of Rapp, who relates the circum- 
 stance, burst into tears. The rock was smitten, and the living 
 waters came gushing from it. 
 
 MACMILLAN THE VENTRILOQUIST. 
 
 THE following- racy story is told of Macmillan, the ventriloquist. 
 Dropping by accident into the shop of John Penny, an honest, straight- 
 forward bootmaker, who, like many an honest man in these times, had. 
 little cash, many mouths, and much trouble, he was being 1 measured 
 for a pair of boots, when John was blessed with the presence of a hard, 
 unpaid landlord with his broker. The following- scene then occurs. 
 
 " Well, Mr. Penny," said the Squire, blandly, advancing to the 
 counter, " you know of course, the cause of my visit ?" Here a hug-e 
 flaring- Poll Parrot, who, with its cage, formed one of the feAV articles 
 of furniture in the shop, began to whistle, " call again to-morrow," to 
 the astonishment of all present, except Macmillan. She followed this 
 by, " J know a bank." The Squire and broker started. The Squire, 
 however, resumed, "you are, of course, provided, Mr. Penny?" 
 " Alas ! no, sir," replied poor Penny, "it's useless to deceive you any 
 further, I cannot pay you at this moment, neither do I know when I 
 can ; take my little property, sir, let it pay as far as it will, I will do 
 the best I can ; Providence will not forsake rne." " What's o'clock 9" 
 interrupted the parrot, "Polly wants her breakfast'' 1 The children, 
 who had by this time stolen covertly in, curious to know what was 
 going- forward, were as much surprised as their father at Polly's sud- 
 den loquacity. Their little eyes dilated with wonder, and twinkled 
 with delig-ht, but the awful presence of the great man, for whom they 
 felt an instinctive awe, somewhat repressed them. " Well, well," con- 
 tinued the prudent man of cotton, after a short pause, "if that's the 
 case, I may as well have the things as any one else. John Bioadman, 
 you do what is necessary." u Polly , Polly, Polly, Polly," here ex- 
 claimed Poll. "That's a fine bird," observed the Squire, his attention 
 arrested. "I must leave a man in possession," said the broker, " but 
 before I go I may as well make out the inventory, for I suppose there's 
 no chance of matters being- settled without a sale, Mr. Penny?" 
 "None," replied the shoemaker. "Then I'll proceed to my work at 
 
112 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 once. Item, one Dutch clock." " What's o'clock ! Whafs o'clock?" 
 exclaimed Poll. Poor Penny looked stupified. The children, who 
 regarded the scene, as we have said, half with curiosity and half with 
 fear, now could not help clapping- their little hands at Poll's apropos 
 speeches ; but a look from their father restrained them. Broadman 
 continued, " one high desk and counter, one slate, one shoemaker's 
 bench and tools, three chairs, two tin candlesticks, six boot-trees," 
 " Woodman spare that tree," sung- Polly. "Clever bird that," ex- 
 claimed the Squire, his attention now being- greatly attracted, "you'll 
 put the parrot down, I suppose, Mr. Broadman?" " Oh, no, we never 
 mention her," sung out the parrot. 
 
 " Very odd,' 1 exclaimed the Squire, " I should like to have that 
 bird; what's your name, Polly?" Pretty, pretty Polly Hopkins,' 
 sung- Polly, cocking her head very knowingly. " Answers quite like a 
 Christian," remarked the Squire. " What's o'clock' 1 cried Poll. 
 " Amazing," ejaculated the Squire " Now I think of it," said he, "my 
 daughter Cecilia, wishes to buy such a bird as this; one that can talk, 
 and sing, and whistle. I'll tell you what I'll do, Penny ; let me have 
 the parrot, give me a note of hand for 5 balance, and I'll withdraw 
 the distress, and give you a receipt for the 15 due." " Don't you 
 wish you may get it 9" saucily replied Poll, as if she understood what 
 the landlord was talking about. " Such a bird as that is worth more 
 money," observed Macmillan, "I would not mind giving that much 
 for it myself." " Oh, whistle and I'll come to thee my lad," whistled 
 Poll. " Wonderful !" said the ventriloquist, " I think the fairest way 
 would be to let Poll come to the hammer, and bring whatever she is 
 knocked down for." " The woodpecker tapping the hollow beech tree. ' ' 
 sung Poll. The Squire was electrified. " I must have that bird ; I'll 
 take it as payment of the rent in full, Penny will that suit you ? 
 That's not enough? Well, then, I'll make it 20. Here's a receipt 
 for the rent, and there's five sovereigns. Will that do for you ? Broad- 
 man, withdraw your man." " You don't lodge here, Mr. Ferguson, 
 with your niiiepence" added Polly. The Squire was delighted. Mac- 
 millan thought the arrangement honourable to all parties, and poor 
 Penny, apparently unwilling, resigned possession of the bird. " I shall 
 take my prize home at once," said he. " Good bye, Poll," cried nil 
 the children. " Good bye, my native land, good bye" sang Poll, look- 
 ing very grave. The signal seemed given for her departure. " Now, 
 John," cries Poll, as the cortege began to move, " Drive on gently over 
 the stones. John, does your mother know you're out?" John grinned 
 like a Cheshire cat. The Squire looked enchanted, and the children 
 shrieked again with surprise and delight. As for poor Penny he 
 seemed perfectly satisfied. Highly elated that Penny had got so well 
 through his difficulties, the good ventriloquist did not intrude, but 
 considerately took his leave. He was, however, a punctual visitor at 
 John's the following morning, and, whilst selecting materials for his 
 boots, the Squire suddenly made his appearance, followed by his foot- 
 man bearing 1 Poll. Penny was surprised, and so, too, seemed Mac- 
 
MEREY COMPANION. 113 
 
 rnillan. "Well, Mr. Penny," said the great cotton lord, "we have 
 brought you back your parrot it is very extraordinary, but it has 
 never spoken a single word since I took it away never sung- a single 
 song-, or whistled a sing-le tune ; it has done nothing- but squark, squark 
 scream, scream, till my head has been fit to split ; in fact, she is a 
 perfect nuisance. I wouldn't keep her in the house if any body would 
 give me a hundred a year to do so. It threw my daughter into hys- 
 terics upset the glass globe, spilt all the gold and siver fish a rare 
 chance for the cat. Return rne the 5 I paid you, and I'll forfeit the 
 rent." "Stay, stay," cried Macmillan, "parrots seldom talk in a 
 strange place at first put Poll in her usual place, and then see." The 
 cage was accordingly restored to its former position, when, to the as- 
 tonishment of all present, Poll immediately began to sing " Home^ 
 sweet Home." "Well," said the Squire, "this is incredible, but I've 
 heard of such things before What a sensible intelligent creature she 
 is ! I must give her another trial ; take her back, John." '* P II gang 
 no mair to yon town" whistled Poll, but, however, to no effect, for 
 she was borne off, considerably stultifying John by crying, " What's 
 o'clock ? There you go with your eye out," &c. "You appear to be 
 surprised at my amazement, Mr. Macmillan," said honest Penny, when 
 the party was out of sight, "but you will not be long so, when I tell 
 you that until yesterday, I never heard that bird utter a single sylla- 
 ble.*' Macmillan had no doubt of it, " but I must leave you," said he, 
 " so work away, my boy. I shall look in to-morrow, as I pass, to see 
 how you are getting on." He called next morning, and, while giving 
 his final directions, Squire Summer again unexpectedly made his ap- 
 pearance, accompanied, as on the previous day, by John with Poll. 
 "Bless me, Sir," said Penny, "is it you?" "Yes, Mr. Penny, I've 
 come again," returned the Squire, "with this diabolical bird not a 
 moment's peace have we had." "What, do you find her talk too 
 much?" inquired the shoemaker, with great simplicity. "Talk too 
 much !" said the Squire, "the obstinate brute, confound her, she has 
 never talked at all. Put her in her old place, John." "Dorit I took 
 spruce on my neddy]' whistled Poll. "Oh, hang you! you've found 
 your tongue,'' said the Squire, "have you? but I am not to be done a 
 third time ; keep your bird, Mr. Penny, I wish you joy of her." Poll 
 was therefore again restored to her former situation, looking very wise, 
 and, as the disappointed landlord departed with his man John, she 
 could not help giving him a fling as he went, as if to quicken his 
 movements, by singing out with great glee, " Go to the d / and 
 shake yourself" following the exhortation with a loud laugh. " Well," 
 snid Mr. Penny, as soon as they were fairly out of hearing, "it's an ill 
 wind that blows nobody good ; had I not been seized for my rent, my 
 parrot might never have spoken. Pretty, pretty polly pretty polly. 
 AY hat's o'clock, what's o'clock ?" cried he, coaxingly. Poll was, how- 
 ever, deaf to the call of the charmer. "Bless me," cried John, "it 
 wont talk now." " It will talk now as much as ever," said Macmillan, 
 laughing. " The fact is, to prevent her speaking by rote, or, rather, 
 
 H 
 
114 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 not speaking at all, I spoke for her, and, as it appears, to very good 
 purpose." "I see it all," said John, upon whose mind the truth now 
 flashed lightning- ; " I must not be unthankful. I wont take a half- 
 penny for the boots." Macmillan, however, would consent to no such 
 understanding 1 . Honest John made the boots of that superior descrip- 
 tion, that it appeared they would never wear out, but endure as lon^ 
 as would the fame of the wonderful parrot, who paid poor John Penny's 
 rent. 
 
 TULIPS AND ROSES. 
 
 MY Rosa from the latticed grove, 
 
 Brought me a sweet bouquet of roses, 
 
 And asked, as round my neck she clung-, 
 If tulips I preferred to roses ? 
 
 " I cannot tell, sweet wife," I said, 
 " But kiss me ere I see the posies," 
 
 She did "Oh, I prefer," I cried, 
 " Thy two-lips to a dozen roses !" 
 
 A FRENCHMAN'S EXPERIENCES. 
 
 I find de English tonge vary tuff, and I am hard to understand 
 it. De meaning of de words is so scattered, it is not easy for to 
 gadare dem, all at de same time to chuse dat wot fits de best to 
 de right place. Dere is 'look out,' which is to put out your head 
 and to see ; and 'look out/ which is to haul in your head and not 
 for to see just contraire. To-day, steward took hold of de sky- 
 light, and said " Look out !" well, I put up my head for to " look 
 out," and he shut clown de sash on it, and gave me a cut almost 
 all over my face with pains of glass, and said, ' Dat is not de way 
 to " look out," you should have took your head in." Dat is beat- 
 ing de English into de head wid de devil to it likewise. It keeps 
 me in de boiling watare all de time. When I make in de En- 
 glish tong mistake, de company all laugh in my countenance, which 
 is very disagreeable and barbare ; hut to avoid consequence hos- 
 tile I join in de laugh meself, and bark out too at my own blun- 
 dares, so loud as de loudest of dem all, but dere is no much plea- 
 sure in de practice ; but when you shall find yourself in a Rome, 
 you must do as it is done in de Rome. Politeness cannot be hoped 
 hare on ship board, where dere of men are many kinds, for you 
 cunnot look to make a silk purse out of de ear of one big pig. 
 
MEREY COMPANION. 115 
 
 LAUGH MAKERS. 
 
 JUDAIC NOTION OP HEAVENLY ARITHMETIC. A certain cunning 
 old Jew had lent a large sum of money, and charged interest upon it 
 at nine per cent, instead of six, which was the legal rate, the borrower 
 remonstrated ; and at last asked the usurer if he did not believe in a 
 GOD, and where he expected to go when he died? * Ah/ said the old 
 Hebrew, with a pleased twinkle of the eye and a grin * I have thought 
 of that too but when GOD looks down upon it from above, the 9 will 
 appear to HIM like a 6.' 
 
 * A dreadful little for a shilling,' said a penurious fellow to a physi- 
 cian, who dealt out an emetic, ' can't you give more?' 
 
 A lady asked Mr. Jekyll what was 'the difference between a solicitor 
 and an attorney ?' * Prt cisely the same,' he answered, * as between a 
 crocodile and an alligator/ 
 
 AN ELECTION PUN. At an election dinner lately, a voter said he 
 had never received a bribe to the extent of a farthing. ' Oh ! Smith, 
 how can you say so?' observed another voter ; * when I know that Mr. 
 W. sent you a hare.' * Ay, that's true enough ; but it was full of mag- 
 gots.' * Well, then, was the rejoinder, * if it were not bribery, it was 
 corruption.' 
 
 A chemist in Albany, a few days ago, expatiating on the late dis- 
 coveries in chemical science, observed that snow had been found to 
 possess a considerable degree of heat. An Irishman present, at this 
 remark observed, * that truly chemistry was a valuable science/ and 
 (anxious that the discovery might be made profitable,) inquired of the 
 orator, what number of snow-balls would be sufficient to boil a tea- 
 kettle ? 
 
 Some years ago a person opened a shop on Fish Street Hill, and 
 being in the immediate neighbourhood of the docks, the sailors were 
 good customers. However, he was rivalled in trade, another shop 
 was opened directly opposite, by a person of the name of Fa IT, who 
 placed a flaming sign-board over his window, " The best tobacco bi/ 
 Farr.!' 1 The sailors now flocked to the new shop. Upon this the 
 original vendor had a new sign put up at his door inscribed, " Farr 
 better tobacco than best tobacco by Farr.' 9 He carried his point and 
 ran his rival out of breath. 
 
 * Doctor,' said a lisping fashionable belle, who had graduated at half 
 a dozen boarding-schools, to a friend of ours, who had just been intro- 
 duced to her at an evening party, * Doctor, which do you prefer, tho- 
 lidity of intellect or brillianthy ? Thum admire tholidity ; but ath for 
 me, ath Thakspeare thayth, in hith Bride of Aby dot fl, I prefer tholidity 
 and brilianthy combined.' The doctor sank into the nearest chair, 
 and fainted away us dead as a log. 
 
116 MEIUIY COAIPANIOK. 
 
 ' MANY things happen between the cup and the lip.' This pro- 
 verb arose from the late of Antinous, one of Penelope's suitors, 
 who was shot by an arrow from the bow of Ulysses as he was 
 going to drink. 
 
 SPERRIT RAPPIN. Wha wun had think really at sperrits do 
 rap, an saandly too, for thay knock many a man daan at times. 
 
 A LASTIN DRESS. If a womman gets into a borrain Aafo', de- 
 pend on it shool wear it az long az ivver sho lives. 
 
 "TEARS," said a Persian poet, "are the scouring drops with 
 which lovely woman washes out the stains in her conduct." 
 
 POLITE METHOD OF TORTURING A PATIENT. 
 
 But stop, just look at that poor wretch near the wheel, how 
 white he looks about the gills, sitting wrapped up in his cloak, like 
 patience on a monument, waiting for his turn to turn in next, and 
 not caring how soon it comes either. He is too ill to talk, and 
 hates to be spoken to, and for that very reason I will address him. 
 4 How do you find yourself now, sir? I hope you are better.* He 
 dreads to open his mouth, for fear he should give vent to more 
 than he wishes. He shakes his head only. ' Can I give you any 
 thing?' Another shake is the only reply. * A little sago ?' He 
 is in despair, and gives two shakes. 'A little arrowroot, with 
 brandy in it it is very good ?' He is angry ; he has lost his 
 caution, and attempts to answer, but suddenly placing both hands 
 to his mouth, runs to the taffrail ; poor fellow ! he is very ill very 
 ill indeed. He returns and takes his seat, and his head falls on 
 his bosom, but he must be rough-ridden before he will be well 
 trained, so here is at him again. 'Pray let me send you a little 
 soup with cayenne ?' He gives half-a-dozen angry shakes of the 
 head. ' But the only thing to be relied upon is a slice of fat pork 
 fried with garlic, it is a specific.' He makes a horrible mouth, 
 as if the very idea would kill him ; shuts his eyes close, as if it 
 would prevent his hearing, and folding his cloak over his head, 
 turns round and lies down on the deck in despair. The officer of 
 the watch and I exchange winks, and I pass on to the saloon for 
 a glass of (what the navy had gone to the devil without, since it 
 has become too fashionable to use it as Nelson did,) for a glass 01 
 grog/ 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 117 
 
 THE LUCKY CALL. 
 
 A country curate, visiting- his flock, 
 
 At old Rebecca's cottage gave a knock, 
 
 "Good morrow, dame, I mean not any libel, 
 
 But in your dwelling have you got a bible?" 
 
 44 A bible, sir !" exclaim'd she in a rage, 
 
 "D'ye think I've turned a Pagan in my age? 
 
 Here, Judith, and run up stairs, my dear, 
 
 'Tis in the drawer, be quick and bring it here." 
 
 The girl return'd with bible in a minute, 
 
 Not dreaming 1 for a moment what was in it ; 
 
 When lo ! on opening it at parlour door, 
 
 Down fell her spectacles upon the floor. 
 
 Amazed, she started, was for a moment dumb, 
 
 But quick exclaimed, "dear sir, I'm glad you're come, 
 
 'Tis six years since these glasses first were lost, 
 
 And I have miss'd 'em, to my poor eyes' cost !" 
 
 Then as the glasses to her nose she raised, 
 
 She closed the bible saying, "God be praised !" 
 
 RECEIPT TO BREW A STORM. 
 
 Husband. Woman ay ? 
 
 Wife. You are always railing 1 at our sex. 
 
 Husband. And without reason ? 
 
 Wife. Without either rhyme or reason ; you'd be miserable 
 beings without us, for all that. 
 
 Husband. Sometimes ; there is no general rule without an ex- 
 ception. I could name some very good women 
 
 Wife. Without the head, I suppose? 
 
 Husband. With a head, and with a heart too. 
 
 Wife. That's a wonder ! 
 
 Husband. It would be a still greater if I could not; for in- 
 stance, there's Mrs. Dawson, the best of wives ; always at home, 
 whenever you call, always in good humour, always neat and clean, 
 sober and discreet. 
 
 Wife. I wish you were tied to her. Always at home ! the 
 greatest gossiper in the parish ; she may well smile, she has nothing 
 to ruffle her temper ; neat and clean she has nothing else to do ; 
 sober she can take a glass as well as her neighbours ; discreet 
 that's another word, she can tip a wink but I detest scandal; I 
 am surprised you didn't say she was handsome ? 
 
 Husband. So she is, in my eye. 
 
118 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 Wife. You have a fine eye, to be sure; you're an excellent 
 judge of beauty ; what do you think of her nose ? 
 
 Husband. She's a fine woman in spite of her nose ! 
 
 Wife. Fine feathers make fine birds ; she can paint her with- 
 ered cheeks, and pencil her eyebrows. 
 
 Husband. You can do the same, if you please. 
 
 Wife. My cheeks don't want paint, nor my eyebrows pencilling. 
 Husband. True; the rose of youth and beauty is still on your 
 cheeks, and yonr brow is the brow of Cupid. 
 
 Wife. You once thought so ; but that moving mummy, Molly 
 Dawson, is your favourite. She's, let me see, no gossip, and yet 
 frhe's found in every house but her own ; and so silent, too, when 
 she has all the clack to herself; her tongue is as thin as a sixpence 
 with talking ; with a pair of eyes burned into the bargain ; and 
 then as to scandal but her tongue is no scandal. 
 
 Husband. Take care, there's such a thing as standing in a 
 white sheet ! 
 
 Wife. Curse you! you would provoke a saint. 
 
 Husband. You seem to be getting into a passion. 
 
 Wife. Is it any wonder ? A white sheet ' you ought to be toss d 
 in a blanket. Handsome! I can't forget that word: my charms 
 are lost on such a tasteless fellow as you. 
 
 Husband. The charms of your tongue. 
 
 Wife. Don't provoke me, or I'll fling this dish at your head. 
 
 Husband. Well, I have done. 
 
 Wife. But I hav'n't done; 1 wish I had drown' d myself the 
 first day I saw you. 
 
 Husband. It's not too late. 
 
 Wife. I'd see you hung first. 
 
 Husband. You'd be the first to cut me down. 
 
 Wife. Then I ought to be tied up in your stead. 
 
 Husband. I'd cut you down. 
 
 Wife. You would ? 
 
 Husband. Yes, but I'd be sure you were dead first. 
 
 Wife. I cannot bear this any longer. 
 
 Husband. Then 'tis time for me to withdraw ; I see by your 
 eyes that the storm is collecting. 
 
 Wife, And it shall burst on your head. 
 
 Husband. I'll save my poor head, it' I can. A good retreat is 
 better than a bad battle, 
 
 [Husband flies, the dish flies after him. 
 
 LEGAL. The proverb says, 'A fool keeps his own counsel ;' and 
 Briefless says, * He only wishes some fool would keep him.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 119 
 
 WIDOW'S Briefs are short-lived. Once upon a time, runs an Orien- 
 tal story, a young and lovely woman was called upon to mourn the 
 death of her lord. As she loved him in life with all the fervour of ad- 
 oration, her grief at his decease was violent and inconsolable. She 
 filled the air with plaints ; declared herself the most wretched of wo- 
 men ; and in the intensity of her grief, made a vow that she would wed 
 no new lord till the stream which ran by her bower should reverse its 
 course. A few weeks after, she was observed busily engaged in dam- 
 ming- up the stream. Goldsmith, in the * Citizen of the World,' relates 
 a similar story. A lady, on the death of her husband, vowed that 
 she would not marry another till the grave of her first lover, peren- 
 nially moistened by her own and the tears of heaven, should become 
 dry. Not many days after, the dear creature was seen vigorously 
 fanning the grave, in order that it might become the sooner dry. 
 
 NIL DESPERANDUM. No never! Every cloud has a silver lining; 
 and He who wove it knows when to turn it out. So, after every night, 
 however long or dark, there shall yet come a golden morning. Your 
 noblest powers are never developed in prosperity. Any bark may 
 glide in smooth water, with a favouring gale ; but that is a brave, 
 skilful oarsman who rows up the stream, against the current, with ad- 
 verse winds, and no cheering voice to wish him "God speed!" Keep 
 your head above the wave; let neither sullen despair nor weak vacilla- 
 tion drag you under. Heed not the poisoned arrow of sneaking treach- 
 ery that whizzes past you from the shore. Judas sold himself when 
 he sold his Master : and for him there dawned no resurrection morn- 
 ing ! Tis glorious to battle on with a brave heart, while cowering pu- 
 sillanimity turns trembling back. Dream not of the word ' surrender !' 
 When one frail human reed after another breaks or bends beneath you, 
 lean on the * Rock of Ages.' The Great Architect passes you through 
 the furnace but to purify. The fire may scorch, but it shall never con- 
 sume you. He will yet label you 'fine gold.' The narrow path may 
 be thorny to your tender feet; but the * promised land' lies beyond ! 
 The clusters of Hope may be seen with the eye of faith : your hand 
 shall yet grasp them ; your eyes revel, from the mountain-top, over 
 the green pastures and still waters of peace. You shall yet unbuckle 
 your dusty armour, while soft breezes shall fan your victor temples. 
 I'fil Desperandum \ 
 
 A man bought a gownpiece at a sale by auction, in Louth, Lincoln- 
 shire, on Thursday week, and jestingly said that the first woman who 
 would give him a kiss, should have the dress as a gift. A woman im- 
 mediately stepped forth, kissed him, and carried off the gownpiece, to 
 the utter discomfiture of the confounded joker. 
 
 PROPER DIGNITY. Stand no sauce from any servant but your cook. 
 
120 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 JERRY SNEAK. 
 
 Was ever man like me, 
 So drove alone, d'ye see, 
 Or any one by woman so abused, 
 As I am by a wife, 
 
 The torment of my life? 
 dear ! dear ! I cruelly am used ! 
 I must not look nor speak, 
 Or else 'tis, Jerry Sneak, 
 What mischief are you now about to do? 
 Then must my tongue be tied, 
 Aud live in fear, beside, 
 Of Cuckoo ! cuckoo ! cuckoo ! cuckoo ! coo ! 
 Then she calls me a lazy dog, though, 
 I'm out and in, Fetch the gin, 
 Open shop, Squeeze the mop, 
 Toast the bread, Make the bed, 
 Gut the fish, Wash the dish, 
 Scrub the stairs, Read the prayers, 
 Shell the peas. Hunt the fleas, 
 And all through the dread white sergeant. 
 
 Then sure I must, for ease, 
 Eat bread and smell the cheese, 
 Or else her paws are up to comb my head : 
 With strong beer she'll regale, 
 While I drink Adam's ale, 
 Or else a mug of swipes, a long time dead. 
 Then, while on pig she'll dine, 
 A stale polony's mine, 
 Besides a mouldy crust for breakfast too : 
 And if I ask for more, 
 Must stand behind the door, 
 
 For fear of cuckoo ! cuckoo ! cuckoo ! cuckoo coo ! 
 And then I must 
 
 Rub the brass, Feed the ass, 
 Boil the rice, Drown the mice, 
 Sweep the street, Baste the meat, 
 Clean the shoes, Read the news, 
 Lay the cloth, Skim the broth, 
 Beat the mat, Cornb the Cat, 
 And all through the dread white Serjeant. 
 
 MAN MUST LIVE. A man whom Dr. Johnson reproved for follow- 
 ing a useless and demoralising business, said, in excuse: * You know, 
 doctor, that I must live !' To this the brave old hater of every thing 
 mean and hateful coolly replied, that * he did not see the least neces- 
 sity for that !' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 121 
 
 HOW THE LADIES LIKE THEIR BRANDY 
 AND WATER. 
 
 BY CATO MIGNIONETTE, 
 Man of Colour, and Steward of the Great Western. 
 
 De ladies, cle dear critturs I do lub em, and likes to tend on em, 
 dey is so helpless, poor tings ! But one ting I must say, and dat 
 is, de white ladies do lub werry stiff grog, werry stiff indeed, Mr. 
 Labender, you ab no notion of it no more den a child. Steward, 
 a leetle, werry leetle weak brandy and water, but mind and let him 
 be werry weak. Yes ma'am I say, and away I goes to mix it. 
 Poor leetle tings ! J knows werry well what werry weak means 
 it means half and half, jist as I likes him myself. Well, when I 
 takes it to de lady, she make a face like de cabbage leaf, all puckery, 
 puckery, wrinckely, wrinckely, and arter eber so leetle of a swig at 
 it, she gives him back again to me. Oh steward, she says, how 
 could you! dat is too trong, put in a drop more water, dat is a 
 good steward. Well, I knows what dat means too, so I goes back 
 and puts in one glass brandy more, and two lumps of de sugar 
 more, and stir him up well wid de spoon, and gib him a little nut- 
 meg for de flavour. Try dat, marm, I say, see how you like him, 
 I most fear he too weak now. No, Steward, she say, and she smile 
 werry sweet, de little dear, dat will do werry well, dat just right 
 now always take care to mix my brandy and water weak, for I 
 isn't used to him strong, and he gets into my head. Yes, marm, 
 I say, now I know your gage, I fit you exactly to a T., marm. 
 De dere leetle critturs, de grog he do warm em hearts and brighten 
 de eye, and make em werry good-natured. I knows dat by myself, 
 I always feels better for de stiff glass of grog. Poor leetle tings ; 
 but dey do like him werry stiff, werry stiff indeed, it is actiliv as- 
 tonishing how stiff they do takes him. 
 
 CATO'S CRAFT IN CHANGING WINE. 
 
 As to de men passengers, I always let dem shift for demselves, 
 for dere isn't werry few of dem is real superfine gentlemen, but jist 
 refidge a leetle varnished over de surface like, all pretence. Dey 
 all make believe dat dey know wine, when dam um, dere isn't 
 hardly none of em know him by name even. One bnccra says, 
 steward, I can't drink dis wine, it is werry poor stuff; what de clebil 
 do you mean by giving me such trash as dis, he no fit to drink at 
 all ? Change him directly, and gib me some dat is fit for a 
 gentleman. Well, I takes up de wine, and looks at um werry 
 
122 MEEllT COMPANION. 
 
 knowing', and den whisper in his ear not to speak so loud lest ebery 
 body hear : and I put de finger on my nose and nods, and I goes 
 and brings him anocler bottle of de werry identical same wine, and 
 he taste him, smack his lip, and say, Ah, dat is de wine, steward, 
 always bring me dat wine, and I remember you when I leab de 
 ship.* Hush, I say, massa, not so loud, sir, if you please, furdere 
 is only a werry few bottles of dat are wine, and I keep him for you, 
 for I sees you knows de good wine when you sees him, which is 
 more nor most gentlemen does. Dey is cussed stupid is dem 
 whites, and werry conceited too, Mr. Labender; but dere is noting 
 like letting him hab his own way. 
 
 TWO WAYS OF " FORKING OUT." 
 
 Toder day I sell some small ting to de outlandish Jew, who no 
 speak werry good English, and I goes into his cabin, and 1 say, 
 41 Come, massa, I say, our voyage over now, him pilot on board, 
 so you fork out, massa, if you please." Well, he stared like a shy 
 horse. " What dat you say ?" says he. " You fork out n;>w, 
 massa," I say. Den he go round, and he bolt de door, and den 
 he say, I give you one sovereign, steward, if you no mention it. 
 " Oh,'' I say, " I neber mention him, rnassa, neber fear ; and I's 
 werry much obliged to you, sir, werry much indeed." Den he 
 says, " Here is de forks," and he give me back three silver forks ; 
 " I tookt um by mistake," he say, " and I hope you no mention 
 him." Oh, ho, says I to myself, is dat de way de cat jump ? now 
 I see how de land lay I come Jew over you, my boy my turn 
 come now. Four sovereigns more, massa, and steward he keep 
 mum, and if you no pay de money, I go bring captain, passenger 
 and ebery one. Well, him sovereign break um heart amost, but 
 he show him out for all dat afore I go one two three four 
 five sovereigns. " All's right now, massa," I say, " dat is wat I 
 calls * forking out/ * Jist as I turns for to go, he says, " How you 
 know I ab um, steward, any body tell you ?" " Oh, massa," I say, 
 " I know de tief so far as I see him. When I clap eyes on you 
 fust, by Gosh, I knew you for one of dem dam rascals. No mis- 
 take, massa, face neber tell um lie he always speaky de truth." 
 
 As a comet smites a planet with his tail, so did Mrs. Jones whip her 
 husband with a cowskin when he kissed Betty Prim. 
 
 What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Ab- 
 sence of body. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 123 
 
 A LESSON FOB THE WORLD. To push on in the crowd, every 
 male or female straggler must use his shoulders. If a better place 
 than yours presents itself just beyond your neighbour, elbow him and 
 take it. Look how a steadily-purposed man or woman at court, at a 
 ball, or exhibition, wherever there is a competition and a squeeze, gets 
 the best place ; the nearest the sovereign, if bent on kissing the royal 
 hand ; the closest to the grand stand, if minded to go to Ascot ; the 
 best view and hearing of theRev. Mr. Thumpington, when all the town is 
 rushing to hear that exciting divine ; the largest quantity of ice, cham- 
 pagne, and seltzer, cold pate, or other his or her favourite flesh-pot, if 
 gluttonously-minded, at a supper when hundreds of people come empty 
 away. A woman of the world will marry her daughter and have done 
 with her, get her carriage, and be at home and asleep in bed; whilst 
 a timid mamma has still the girl in the nursery, or is beseeching the 
 servants in the cloak-room to look for her shawls, with which some one 
 else has whisked away an hour ago. What a man has to do in society 
 is to assert himself. Is there a good place at table ? Take it. At the 
 Treasury or the Home Office ? Ask for it. Do you want to go to a 
 party to which you are not invited? Ask to be asked. Ask A., ask 
 B., ask Mrs. C., ask everybody you know; you will be thought a bore; 
 but you will have your way. What matters it if you are considered ob- 
 trusive, provided that you obtrude? By pushing steadily, nine hun- 
 dred and ninety-nine people in a thousand will yield to you. Only 
 command persons, and you may be pretty sure that a good number 
 will obey. How well your shilling will have been laid out, gentle 
 readers, who purchase this ; and, taking the maxim to heart, follow it 
 through life! You may be sure of success. If your neighbour's foot 
 obstructs you, stamp on it; and do you suppose he won't take it away ? 
 
 FREDERICK DOUGLASS AND HIS MASTER'S PIG. When twelve 
 years old, Frederick was under strong religious impressions; and, 
 therefore, although he was often very hungry, he dared not to make 
 free with the food that he might have stolen to satisfy the cravings of 
 hunger. On the plantation there was a slave named Sandy Figging, 
 to whom, in his hunger, he applied for advice. " Well," said Sandy, 
 "you must take something to eat (taking is not considered stealing 
 among the southern slaves) ; you must be hungry. I could take a 
 pig, blessed be God, and shout Hallelujah!" "How do you justify 
 that, Sandy?" asked Frederick. " Well," answered Sandy, " do you 
 see that pig?" '"Yes." " Isn't that pig master's property?" 
 "Yes." " Well, and are not you master's property too?" " Yes." 
 '* Very well, suppose you put some of that property into this, it would 
 only, in the language of General Jackson be a removal!' 1 Ever 
 after that Frederick had plenty of pig ! 
 
 * You're doing a smashing business,' said the gardener to the hail- 
 stones. 
 
124 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 AN old lady in the West of England, for 20 successive years has 
 darned stockings with the same needle ; in fact, so used was the 
 said needle to its work, that frequently on the lady's leaving the 
 room it would continue darning without her! When the old lady 
 died, the needle was found by her relatives, and for a long time no 
 one could thread it, nor could they discover what obstructed the 
 threads, when, by microscopic observation, they observed a tear in 
 the eye of it! 
 
 THE CANON AND THE VICAR. 
 
 A canon of Windsor enjoying a stroll, 
 
 One day when the evening- was fine, 
 Met one of his vicars, a right jolly soul, 
 
 Now rather elated with wine. 
 
 * Ah ! sir,' said the latter, a little dismay'd, 
 
 * To see me, you wonder no doubt ; 
 I've stay'd over long with my friend, I'm afraid 
 Indeed we've been spinning it out.' 
 
 * From your manner of walking, your tale I don't doubt, 
 
 Though 'tis wrong in these follies to roam ; 
 I see,' he replied, * you've been spinning it out, 
 And now you are reeling it home. 
 
 ENVIABLE POSITION OF A FURNACE STOKER 
 
 No wun would no me now, for I am as black as the ace of 
 spades as was, and so is my shurt, and for clene shetes, how long 
 wood they be clene and me in them ? and my skin is cracked like 
 roastid pig, when there be not fat enough to baste it, or yu tu lazy 
 to du it, which was often your case, and well you cort it for it tuo 
 when 1 was out of sorts, which was enough to vex a man as risked 
 his like to get it ; and then my eyes is soar with dust as comes 
 from the cole, and so stiff, I arent power to shute them, because 
 they be so dry, and my mouth tastes sulfur always, as bad as them 
 as go to the devil in earnest, as Sally Mander did. I have no 
 peace at all, and will not be sorry when it's over ; if I survive it, 
 blow me if I will. I smells like roste beaf, and the rats cum 
 smelling round me as if they'd like to have a cut and cum agin, 
 but they will find it a tuf business and no gravy, as the frenchman 
 said who lived tuo hull weakes on his shuse, and dide when he cum 
 to the heles, which he said was rather tuo much. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 125 
 
 AN AFRICAN preacher, speaking from 'What is a man profited 
 if he gain the whole world, and lose his own soul ?' mentioned 
 among other things, that they lost their souls hy being too chari- 
 tahle ! Seeing the congregation astonished beyond measure at his 
 saying, he very emphatically repeated it, and then proceeded to 
 explain his meaning. * Many people/ said he, 'attend meeting, 
 hear the sermon, and, when it is over, they proceed to divide it 
 among the congregation this part was for that man, and that 
 part for that woman ; such denunciations for such persons, these 
 threats for you sinners and so,' continued the shrewd African, 'they 
 give away the whole sermon, and keep none for themselves ' 
 
 " MY dear Sir, don't disturb my feelings," said Garrick to John- 
 son, one night, behind the scenes, " consider the exertions I have 
 to go through." "As to your feelings, David," replied Johnson, 
 " Punch has just as many; and as to your exertions, those of a 
 man who cries turnips about the street are greater." 
 
 CHICK! CHICK! CHICK! 
 
 "Lord bless you!" said Zeb, "I thought that everybody that 
 know'd mother, know'd that story. Five years ago, come next sum- 
 mer, the old lady made a trip to Halifax, in one of our Dig-by coasters, 
 to see sister Susannah, that is married in that city to Ted Fowler, the 
 upholsterer, and took a whole lot of little notions with her to market 
 to bear expenses ; for she is a saving- kind of body, is mother, and likes 
 to make two ends meet at the close of the year. Among- the rest, was 
 the world and all of eggs, for she was a grand hand in a poultry-yard. 
 Some she stowed away in boxes, and some in baskets, and some in tubs, 
 so that no one accident could lose them all for her. Well, under the 
 births in the cabin were large drawers for bedding; and she routed 
 that out, and packed them full of eggs in wool, as snug as you please, 
 and off they started on their voyage. Well, they had nothing but 
 calms, and light airs, or head winds, and were ever so long in 'getting 
 to town ; and, when they anchored, she got her duds together, arid 
 began to collect her eggs all ready for landing. The first drawei- she 
 opened, out hopped ever so many chickens on to the cabin floor, 
 skipping arid hopping about, a-chirping, ** Chick, chick, chick !'' like 
 anythink ! 
 
 " ' Well, if that don't beat all !" said mother, and she looked the 
 very picture of doleful dumps. ' I hope there is no more of them a 
 corning into the world that way, without being sent for !' and she 
 opened a second, and out came a second flock, with a * Chick, chick, 
 chick ! ' and another and another, till she pulled them all out. The cabin 
 
126 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 floor was chock full of them ; for the heat and confined bilge air had 
 hatched all the eggs that were in the close and hot drawers. 
 
 "Oh, the captain, and passengers, and sailors, they roared with 
 laughter. Mother was awful mad, for nothing makes one so angry as 
 accidents that set folks off a tee-hee-ing in that way. If any body had 
 been to blame but herself, wouldn't they have caught it, that's all? 
 for scolding is a great relief to a woman; but there warn't nothing 
 left but to cry, and scolding and crying are two safety-valves that have 
 saved may a heart from busting. 
 
 * Well, the loss was not great, though she liked to take care of 
 her coppers, too; it was the vexation that worried her. But the worst 
 was to come yet. When she returned home, the boys at Digby got 
 hold of the story, and, wherever she went, they called out after her, 
 * Chick, chick, chick!' I skinned about a half-a-dozen of the little 
 imps of mischief for it, but it only made them worse, for they hid in 
 porches, and behind doors, and gates, and fences, as soon as they seed 
 her a-coming, and roared out, 'Chick, chick, chick!' and nearly 
 bothered her to death. So she gave up going out any more and never 
 leaves home now. It's my opinion, her rheumatism is nothing but the 
 effect of want of exercise, and all comes from that cursed * Chick, 
 chick, chick!" 
 
 LOVE WILL FIND A WAY A young gentleman fell in love with 
 the daughter of his employer; but from certain ideas of wealth, a 
 match was opposed by the father. The consequence was, that the 
 young man was forbidden to visit his employer's house. The old 
 gentleman was in the habit of weaving a cloak, and the young 
 couple made him the innocent bearer of their correspondence. 
 The young lady would pin a letter inside the lining of the old man's 
 cloak, and when the father returned to the counting-house and threw 
 off his cloak, the young lover would go and take out the lady's 
 epistle, read it, and send the reply back in the same manner. Love 
 and ingenuity were finally successful. 
 
 A BLUNDER. One day, a servant-girl was sent by her mistress 
 to a stationer's shop, in Barnsley, for a memorandum-book. The 
 anxious maid, on reaching the spot, very politely asked the shop- 
 man to send her mistress a Merry Andrew Book. The order, or 
 course, was readily complied with, and a great number of pleasing 
 and witty ones were turned over and admired; one more gay than 
 the rest was fixed upon, viz. ' Jack the Giant-killer/ with which 
 Mary hastened home. Her arrival soon filled the house with 
 laughter ; poor Mary blushed, but hurried hack to the shop again, 
 to rectify the blunder into which she had fallen. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 127 
 
 CHARMING WASPS. 
 
 ONE Saint Monday, two country-cobblers, well known at Thurl- 
 stone, and famous in the art of angling, being short of baits, va- 
 cated their waxy thrones, and out they strolled into the fields, 
 Tite with his stick, and Ned with his fiddle, for the purpose of 
 charming wasps, by which they imagined they would become sting- 
 less, and their nests be easily taken ; they had not proceeded far 
 before Tite called out, 4 Ned here's a strong un here' lad ; bring 
 up tha fiddle.' Tite having got himself ready for the charm, viz., 
 armed with a stick, wrapped round with red cloth, Ned tuned 
 his fiddle, and down he sat close by the nest, and struck up that 
 well-known tune called Paddy Carey, and Tite commenced qua- 
 vering the stick over his head. This performance had not gone on 
 more than a second, before out rushed the whole host of stingers, 
 and fixed themselves about the ears and faces of their assailants. 
 Tite bowled out, ' Change the tune ! change the tune !' ' Oh ! I 
 can't; oh! I can't;' responded Ned, who threw down his fiddle 
 and started off, Tite following and fighting with all his might scores 
 of wasps, which were about his head. After running some two or 
 three hundred yards, they got quit of their foes, and sat down, a 
 perfect pair of charming creatures. Ned had his left eye completely 
 made up, and his nose about three times the ordinary size, while 
 poor Tite could only just discern day-light. After a little moral- 
 izing, they agreed to charm no more wasps. 
 
 TAKING THE CENSUS. 
 SCENE. A House in the Country. 
 
 Inquisitor. Good morning, madam, is the head of the family 
 at home ? 
 
 Mrs. Touchwood, Yes, sir ; I am at home. 
 
 Inq. Hav'n't you a husband? 
 
 Mrs. T. Yes, sir; but he a'n't at the head of the family, I'd 
 hav e you know. 
 
 Inq. How many persons have you in your family ? 
 
 Mrs. T Why, bless me, what's that to you? You are mighty 
 inquisitive, I think. 
 
 Inq. I am the man that takes the census. 
 
 Mrs. T. If you was a man in your senses you wouldn't ax sucn 
 impertinent questions. 
 
 Inq. Don't be offended, old lady, but answer my questions as 
 I ask them. 
 
128 MERIIY COMPANION. 
 
 Mrs. T. Answer a fool according 1 to his folly, you know what 
 Scripter says. Old lady, indeed ! 
 
 Inq. I beg your pardon, madam ; but I don't care about hear- 
 ing Scripture just at this moment. I am bound to go according 
 to law, and not according to gospel. 
 
 Mrs. T. I should think you went neither according to law nor 
 p-ospel. What business is it to you to inquire into folk's affairs, 
 AI r. Thingumbob ? 
 
 Inq. The law makes it my business, good woman, and if you 
 don't want to expose yourself to its penalties, yon must answer my 
 questions. 
 
 Mrs. T. Oh, it's the law, is it? That alters the case. But I 
 should like to know what business the law has with other people's 
 household matters. 
 
 Inq. Parliament made the law, and if it don't please you, 
 you must talk to them. 
 
 Mrs. T. Talk to a fiddle-stick ! Why parliament is a fool, 
 and you're another. 
 
 CRAFTINESS OF MB. SLICK'S PHRENOLOGY. 
 
 So now, when I enter a location, arter a little talk about this, 
 that, or the other, I looks at one of the young grow'd up gals, air- 
 nest like, till she says, Air. Slick, what on airth are you a-lookin' 
 at ? Nothin', says I, my dear, but a most remarkable development. 
 A what? says she. A remarkable development, says I, the most 
 remarkable, too, I ever seed since I was raised. Why, what in 
 Nature's that? says she. Excuse me, Miss, says I, and I gets 
 up, and puts my finger on her crown. What benevolence! says 
 1, and firmness of character ! did you ever? and, then, says I, 
 a-passin' my finger over the eyebrow, you ought to sing well, posi- 
 tive/^ ; it's your own fault if you don't, for you have uncommon 
 particular powers that way. Your time is large, and tune great ; 
 yes, and composition is strong. Well, how strange ! says she, you 
 have guessed right, I declare, for I do sing, and am allowed to have 
 the best ear for music in all these clearin's. How on airth can 
 you tell? If that don't pass! Tell, says I, why it's what they call 
 phrenology, and a most beautiful study it is. I can read a head 
 as plain as a book; and this I will say, a finer head than yourn, 
 I never did see, positively. What a splendid forehead you have! 
 it's a sight to behold. If you was to take pains, you could do 
 anything a'most. Would you like to have it read, Miss? 
 
MEEUT COMPANION. 
 
 129 
 
 Well, arter hearin' me pronounce aforehand at that rate, slic is 
 nure to want it read, and then I say I won't read it aloud, Miss; 
 I'll whisper it in your ear, and yon shall say if I am right. Do, 
 says she, I should like to see what mistakes you'll make, for I can't 
 believe it possible you can tell ; it don't convene to reason, does it? 
 Nothin', squire, never stops a woman when her curiosity is once 
 up, especially if she be curious to know soaiethin' about herself. 
 Only hold a secret out in your hand to her, and it's like a bunch 
 of catnip to a cat ; she'll jump, and frisk, and frolic round you like 
 anything, and never give over purrin' and coaxin' of you till she 
 gets it. They'll do anything for you a'most for it. So I slides 
 out my knee for a seat, and says, it's no harm, Miss, you know, for 
 Ma is here, and I must look near to tell you ; so I draws her on 
 my knee, without waiting for an answer. Then, gradually, one 
 arm goes round the waist, and t'other hand goes to the head, bump- 
 ologi/in', and I whispers wit, pain tin', judgment, fancy, order, 
 music, and every good thing a'most. And she keeps a-sayin', 
 Well, he's a witch ! well, how strange! lawful heart! Well, I 
 want to know! now I never! do tell! as pleased all the time 
 as any thing. Lord ! squire, you never see anything like it it's 
 Jerusalem fine fun. Well, then, I wind up by touchin' the back 
 of her head, hard, (you know, squire, what they call the amative 
 humps, are located there) and then whisper a bit of a joke to her 
 about her rriakin' a very very loving wife, and soon , and she 
 jumps up a-colourm', and a-sayin' its no such thing. You missed 
 that guess, anyhow. Take that for not guessin' better! and pre- 
 tendin' to slap me, and all that; but actilly ready to jump over the 
 moon for delight. Don't my clocks get fust admired, and then 
 bough ten, after this readin' of heads, that's all? Yes, that's the 
 beauty of phrenology. You can put a clock into their heads when 
 you are a-puttin' other fine things in, too, as easy as kiss my hand. 
 1 have sold a nation lot of them by it. 
 
 TToM(EOPATHY. The following is an American recipe for aqua 
 fvrtissinta on the principles of Hahuemann: 
 
 Take a little rum 
 
 The less you take the better; 
 Aiix it with the Lakes 
 
 Of Wener and of Wetter. 
 
 Dip a spoonful out 
 
 Mind you don't get g'l'Og'g 1 }* 
 Pour it into Lake 
 
 Winnipiseo^ee. 
 
 Stir the mixture well, 
 Lest it prove inferior; 
 
 Then put half a drop 
 Into Lake Superior. 
 
 Every other day, 
 
 Take a drop, in water! 
 You'll be better ROOD ; 
 
 Or, at least, you ought to. 
 
130 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 PAST AND FUTURE JOYS. 
 
 Oh ! take me back to my early days, 
 When faith and love were young, 
 
 And rainbow Hope, with a thousand rays, 
 O'er my future prospects hung. 
 
 Oh ! take me back to those early dreams- 
 That state so pure and bright 
 
 Like spirits blest, array 'd in beams 
 From the spirit's house of light. 
 
 Oh ! for those glad and happier hours, 
 
 When, innocent and free, 
 I thought to rove among gay flowers, 
 
 Through all eternity. 
 
 Fair sunny spot ! where my childhood dwelt, 
 Scarce knowing aught of pain ; 
 
 A tear might fall like an April shower, 
 But the sunshine came again. 
 
 Yet why repine ? though the joy-lit morn 
 Of childhood's sunk in gloom, 
 
 There's an azure sky above the storm, 
 A light beyond the tomb. 
 
 And my spirit points her drooping wing, 
 
 Oh ! land of bliss ! to thee 
 There she shall ever soar and sing 
 
 In endless ecstasy ! 
 
 THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD. 
 
 THE Baltimore Clipper tells a good story, of which the following is 
 the substance : A board of ' School Commissioners,' who encumber a 
 consequential little village in Maryland, being in want of a teacher, 
 advertised in the newspaper for 'a well-disposed, moral man, who 
 could teach the dead languages, and did not drink whiskey, or chew 
 tobacco.' After a fortnight of this advertising had elapsed, a raw- 
 boned Yankee made his appearance, with a knife and a pine-stick in 
 one hand, and a Cape Cod protection, alias a cake of gingerbread, in 
 the other, and held the following dialogue with the committee afore- 
 said : 
 
 * Well, sir,' said the chairman, eyeing the candidate from head to 
 foot, 'do you possess the necessary requisites for a public school-teacher?' 
 
 * I guess I do,' said Slick,' whittling his stick. 
 
 ' Do you understand Latin,' asked one of the committee-men, a Dutch 
 farmer. 
 
MERKY COMPANION. 131 
 
 ' I guess I do,' replied Slick, again rounding the end of the stick 
 with the knife. 
 
 * Well, let's hear some of your Latin,' said the chairman. 
 
 * Quambo hie squashium et punkmitum lingum,' said Slick, drawing 
 his coat sleeve slowly under his nose. 
 
 4 Humph !' exclaimed the Dutchman, *ist dat Latin?' Who s te 
 author?' 
 
 ' Josephus,' replied Slick ; * he says in his life of Governor Hancock, 
 Sic transit gloria Monday morning Hancockibus quad crat demon- 
 strandum.' 
 
 * Dat's goot,' exclaimed the Dutchman, rubbing his hands, * ten* 
 never was better Latin !' 
 
 * Now, sir,' said the chairman, * I suppose you understand geo- 
 graphy ?' 
 
 * I guess I do,' said Slick, sharpening the end of his stick. 
 ' How far have you been ?' 
 
 'As far as the Deestrict of Columby.' 
 
 * What state is it in ?' 
 'A state of desperation.' 
 ' What latitude are we ?' 
 
 * According to the thermometer we're ten degrees below zero.' 
 ' Which is the most western part of North America?' 
 
 ' Cape Cod.' 
 
 f Good. Now, sir, let us see how far you have studied mathematics. 
 What's the area of a square acre of land ?' 
 
 * That depends upon the quality,' replied Slick, snapping the blade 
 of his knife. 
 
 4 Well, suppose it to be good corn land?' 
 
 'W r hy, then, it depends upon the number of hills.' 
 
 * Say five hundred.' 
 
 * Guess, you mought as well tell a feller how many grains you plant 
 to the hill ?' 
 
 * Five.' 
 
 * Then according to Euclid, it would be seven hundred and forty two 
 feet horizontally perpendicular.' 
 
 'Excellent. Pray where are you from?' 
 
 * Staunton, down in the bay state and I can do most anything.' 
 
 * No doubt; but there is one thing which you cannot do you can- 
 not humbug us ; you may go.' 
 
 A stupid youth having got his skull severely fractured, was told by 
 the doctor that the brain was visible, on which he remarked: 'Do 
 write to tell my father, for he always vowed I had none.' 
 
 A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of ag - e), 
 told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. 
 The little urchin replied, * Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the 
 plum-pudding to night.' 
 
'132 MERRY 
 
 THE COUNSELLOR OVERMATCHED. At the Donegal Assizes, 
 the following cross-examination, by Mr. Doherty, of a sharp-witted 
 witness, is still well remembered in that country : Mr. I). What 
 business do you follow ? Witness. None at present ; I was at that 
 time a schoolmaster. Mr. D. Did you turn off your scholars, or 
 did they turn you off? Witness. I don't wish to be asked irrelevant 
 questions (laughter). Mr. D. Were you a great favourite with 
 your pupils? Witness. Ay, troth was I a much greater favourite 
 than you are with the public. Mr. D. Where were you, sir, on 
 this night? Witness. This night! Oh, you're a learned man! 
 this night is'nt come yet; I suppose you mean that night. (Here 
 the witness looked at the judge, and winked his eye, as if in tri- 
 11 ID ph.) Mr. D. I suppose ' the schoolmaster* was abroad that 
 night, doing nothing. Witness. Define nothing, that I may know 
 what you mean. The barrister did not attempt a definition. After 
 a short silence, the witness said,' Well, if you can't define it, T can, 
 it is a footless stocking, without a leg.' ' You may stand down sir,' 
 said the counsel. This he did, amidst roars of laughter, in which 
 the judge joined. 
 
 THE CORBEILLE OF LOUISE; 
 
 OR. A SACRIFICED MARRIAGE. [A TRUE TALE.] 
 
 A PARISIAN gentleman, son of a very wealthy banker, was about 
 to marry a young lady of high rank, and every thing was prepared 
 The bridegroom had sent in the corbeille^ which was extremely 
 rich, the diamonds alone worth above one hundred thousand francs. 
 Wishing to enjoy the gratification of his bride, the rich bestower 
 followed close on the heels of his present, and finding no one in 
 the parlour, ensconced himself in a window, behind the curtains. 
 Presently a whole bevy of girls fluttered into the room, and all 
 began talking at once. " Oh, did you ever see such a beautiful 
 corbeille? Louise is lucky, what a generous husband she will 
 have !'' " She ought to be happy, to be sure, but do you know 
 what she told me just now? why, that she had rather have the 
 corbeille without the gentleman." " It can't be, she never said 
 so." u She certainly did, and there she is, you can ask her your- 
 self. Louise, didn't you tell me you would rather have the corbeille 
 alone, without Mr. P" "Yes; I do say so; but that's be- 
 tween ourselves.'' " Much obliged to you, mademoiselle, 1 ' said 
 Mr. , coming forward," you shall not have either." So say- 
 ing, he coolly put the splendid present under his arm, and walked 
 off, leaving the ladies in embarrassment " easier conceived than ex- 
 pressed.*' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 133 
 
 HINTS FOR SHERIFFS' OFFICERS. All the cunning drivers of 
 the process server I narrated with a gusto that smacked of my early 
 training how sometimes my crafty parent would append a sum- 
 mons i the collar of a dog, and lie in wait till he saw the owner 
 take it off and read it, and then emerging from his concealment, 
 cry out, ' Sarved!' and take to his heels ; and again, how once he 
 succeeded in 4 sarving* old Andy himself, by appearing as a beg- 
 gar-woman, and begging him to light a bit of paper to light her 
 pipe. The moment, however, he took the bit of twisted paper, the 
 assumed beggar-woman screamed out, * Andy, ye're sarved: that's 
 a process, my man !' The shock almost took Andy's life. 
 
 SOME ten years since, a man living near Wedmore was sus- 
 pected of poaching, and received a summons to appear before the 
 magistrates. Puzzled what to do, his wife took out the baby from 
 the cradle, and rocked him in it ; he then went before the magis- 
 trates, and swore he had not touched a gun or a wire since he was 
 rocked in the cradle, and got clear off. 
 
 THE MATRIMONIAL CIRCUS. The only ring in which the whip 
 should not be used, is the wedding-ring. 
 
 A Frenchman having frequently heard the word press made use 
 of to imply persuade, as 4 Press that gentleman to partake of some 
 refreshment ;' or, * Let me press you to stay to-night;' and under- 
 standing that press and squeeze were synonymous terms, thought 
 he would display his talent, and therefore had no scruple one evening 
 to cry out in company, ' Pray, squeeze dat lady to sing.' 
 
 AMERICAN FEASTING. When Mr. Gallot went through the 
 United States with Madlle. D'Jeck, the celebrated elephant, he 
 was one evening warm in his praises of the hospitalities and soci- 
 alities of the mother country ; amid other instances, he quoted one 
 of the Rutland punchbowl, which, on the christening of the young 
 marquis, was built so large that a small boat was actually set sail- 
 ing upon it, in which a boy sat, who ladled out the liquor. * I 
 guess,' said one of the company, * I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat 
 that to immortal smash ; for at my brother's christening, the bowl 
 was so deep, that when we young 'uus said it warn't sweet enough, 
 father sent a man down in a diving bell to stir up the sugar at the 
 bottom. 
 
LI! MERttY COMPANION. 
 
 A CELEBRATED divine, who was remarkable in the first pe- 
 riod of his ministry for a loud and boisterous mode of preach- 
 ing, suddenly changed his whole manner in the pulpit, and 
 adopted a mild and dispassionate mode of delivery. One of 
 his brethren observing it, inquired of him what had induced 
 him to make the change? He answered, "When I was 
 young I thought it was the thunder that killed the people ; 
 but when I grew wiser, I discovered that it was the lightning 
 so I determined to thunder less and lighten more in future." 
 
 DR. JOHNSON, when asked to give his opinion on the pro- 
 duction of a lady, who told him 'that, when he hnd finished 
 that, she had other irons in the fire,' replied, ' Madam, put 
 this with your other irons.' 
 
 ' Stocks are firm,' as the rogue said when he had his feet 
 in them. 
 
 SAGACITY OF A MONKEY. The servant of a medical gen- 
 tleman, who was some time in India, caught a young monkey, 
 and brought it to his tent, where every care was taken of it ; 
 but the mother was so greatly distressed with the loss of her 
 progeny, that she never ceased uttering the most piteous 
 tone, night or day in the immediate vicinity of the tent. The 
 doctor at length tired out with incessant howling, desired the 
 servant to restore the young one to its mother, which he did, 
 when the poor animal cheerfully retired, and sped its way to 
 the community to which it had belonged. Here, however, 
 she found she could not be received. She and her progeny 
 had lost caste, and like the hunted deer, were beaten and re- 
 jected by the flock. A few days after, our medical friend was 
 greatly surprised to see the monkey return to his tent, bring- 
 ing the young one along with it. It entered his tent of its 
 own accord, apparently very much exhausted; and having 
 deposited its young one, it retired a few yards from the tent, 
 and there laid itself down and died. On examining the car- 
 case of the poor animal, it was found in a most emaciated 
 state, starved, wounded, and scratched all over, so that there 
 can be no doubt that it had been dreadfully maltreated by 
 its comrades ; and, finding no safety for itself or its offspring, 
 returned the little one into the hands of those who were the 
 cause of its misfortunes, 
 
MEE11T COMPANION. 135 
 
 A green one, who had a great desire to possess a goose * alive/ 
 set of to a neighbouring town, resolved to buy one and feed it up 
 for himself. Having made a successful bargain, he was returning 
 home, when he was met by a friend, to whom he showed his pur- 
 chase. ' Why,' said his friend on seeing the goose, * they have 
 given you no giblets with him; you have been cheated.' The 
 smiling countenance of the Irishman was turned to a look of utter 
 dismay ; he reflected for a moment, then turned back, and actually 
 walked a distance of two miles to ask the market woman for the 
 giblets to the LIVE goose. 
 
 THE DUKE AND THE SENTINEL. 
 
 The late Duke of Brunswick used to relate the following anec- 
 dote with great glee : On a certain occasion, one of the heaviest 
 of German soldiers had the duty of mounting guard at one of the 
 ducal hunting seats, and not to perplex the poor fellow with more 
 ideas than he could conveniently carry, one single 'notion' was with 
 some difficulty rammed into his noddle, viz., that he must present 
 arms to the duke, should his highness pass that way. He was leit 
 to his cogitations, which, we need hardly say, were of that class 
 described by the renowned author of Knickerbocker's History of 
 New York, as appertaining to the plot of the ' Good Vrow,' who, 
 we were informed, sat at the helm, thinking of nothing, either 
 past, present, or to come. Tired at last of this transcendental 
 monotony, our sentinel had recourse to the universal German so- 
 lace his sausage and schnapps. Whilst thus agreeably employed, 
 he saw an unpretending-looking person approach the place where 
 he was seated, dressed in the common German hunting-dress, a 
 sort of queer smock-frock, leather breeches, and continuations. 
 * Good appetite to you/ said the new comer; ' what is that you're 
 eating ?' ' Guess,' gruffly answered the peasant soldier. { Oh, 
 perhaps rothwurst ?' said the duke, for it was no less a personage. 
 4 No, something better than that/ ' Then, I suppose it is lebber- 
 wurst ?' ' No, something better than that.' * Probably, then, it 
 is metterwurst ?' ' Yes.' (The three terms, rothwurst, lebberwurst, 
 and metterwurst, are the positive, comparative, and superlative de- 
 grees of the German sausage.) ' And now that you know all about 
 my sausage, pray who are you ?' ' Guess, 'said the duke. * Oh, 
 perhaps you're one of the duke's pages?' 'No! something better 
 than that.' Then you're probably one of the duke's aide-de-camps?' 
 4 No ! something better than that.' ' Perhaps you're the duke him- 
 self?' ' Yes.' * Ter Teufel ! hold that sausage for mv orders are 
 to present arms to you.' 
 
136 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 FUNNY-UNS. 
 
 * Bill, you young- scamp, if yon had your due, you would get a good 
 whipping 1 .' ' I know it, daddy, but bills are not always paid when 
 due.' The father was dumb-foundered. 
 
 *I goes through my work,' as the needle said to the idle boy. * But 
 not till you're hard pushed,' as the idle boy said to the needle. 
 
 A gentleman calling- for some beer at another gentleman's tahl* 1 , 
 finding- it very bad, gave it again to the servant without drinkinir. 
 What!' said the master of the house, * don't you like the beer?' * It 
 \ not to be found fault with,' answered the other, ' for we should never 
 epeak ill of the dead.' 
 
 SEEING THE ELEPHANT. When Cousin Tchabod first saw him at 
 the show, he exclaimed, with mute astonishment, 'Then that's the rale 
 rnenag-erer the identical critter itself! Wouldn't tew of 'em make a 
 team to draw stun with ! Aint he a scrog-er!' Ichabod went hum, and 
 related what he had seen. * I have seen,' said he, * the genewine menag- 
 erer the biggest lump of flesh that ever stirred. He had tew tails 
 one behind and t'other before. Philosofiers call the fore'un apronob- 
 seus. He put one of his tails in my pocket, and hauled out all the 
 iring-erbread every hooter. What d'ye think he done with it?' Why 
 he stuck it in his own pocket, and began to fumble for more/ 
 
 The forward young lady of fifteen, who would meet a lover a little 
 more than half-way, is not much to my taste. I would go a mile or 
 two out of my way rather than meet her at all. But that blue-eyed 
 girl with brig-ht hair, who, at nineteen, feels herself too young to listen 
 to a lover's vow, is is what ? No matter what : but she is not for you, 
 sir, if I can prevent it. 
 
 1 Dey does say, that way down in Georgia they makes poor nigg-a 
 work twenty -five hours ebbery day. Now, looke hea, ]'se been told 
 that day hasn'd got no more nor twenty-four hours, an' I wants you, 
 Mr. Johnsing, to 'splanify to dis chile, how they make 'em work 
 twenty-five hours.' 'Golly mighty, what ignoramus nig-ga you is, 
 Scipio ; why, way down dare, they make poor nigga get up one hour 
 afore day doesn't that make 'em twenty-five?' Scipio was convinced. 
 
 A blind fiddler, on crossing a narrow bridge, let fall his instrument 
 into the stream. One of the by-standers, after assisting in vain for its 
 recovery, told the unfortunate musician that he pitied his case. * 01), 
 hang the case!' cried Scrape, * 'tis the fiddle I want.' 
 
 * Don't you understand me, Jim?' thundered the old man. * Why, 
 you must be quite u fool.' * True I am very near one,' meekly replied 
 Jim. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 137 
 
 ACOUSTICS. 'John Brown, what do you understand by acoustics ?' 
 * Why, a stick to drive cows with I 'spose.' 
 
 * Get out, you young- vagabone ! did I not just see you reading- about 
 the science of sound?' Guess not that was about Sylvester Sound, 
 the Somnambulist.' 
 
 ' It was, eh? Sarah, you are John's youngest sister?* Yeth thir.' 
 
 * What is acoustics?' * I know thir it ith it ith the art of making 
 a noith, and hearing a noith.' 
 
 * You are right explain it.' ' Yeth thir. If you stick your finger 
 into your mouth, and then pull it out thudenly, the cold air ruihetii 
 into the vakkum and produtheth a thound, thriketh on the tympan of 
 the ear, whith maketh the thound audible, and it ith called tliience of 
 a couthtixth.' 
 
 * You are quite right, Sarah/ 
 
 MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF ENGLISH LADIES 
 
 IN THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY. 
 
 THE following is an extract from the journal of Elizabeth Woodville 
 (afterwards Queen of Edward the Fourth), written before her first 
 marriage with Sir John Grey, of Groby. As it furnishes an excellent 
 lesson to modern ladies, it may not, changing- the orthography, be un- 
 interesting nor out of place in these pages: 
 
 " THURSDAY MORNING (May 10, 1451 .) Rose at four o'clock, and 
 helped Katherine to milk the cows: Rachael, the other dairy-maid, 
 having scalded one of her hands in a very sad manner last night. Made 
 a poultice for Rachael, and gave Robin a penny to get her something 
 comfortable from the apothecary's. 
 
 " Six o'clock. Breakfasted. The buttock of beef rather too much 
 boiled, and the ale a little the stalest. Memorandum, to tell the cook 
 about the first fault, and to mend the second myself, by tapping a fresh 
 barrel directly. 
 
 '* Seven o'clock. Went out with the Lady Duchess, my mother, info 
 the court-yard ; fed five-and-thirty men and women ; chid Roger very 
 severely for expressing some dissatisfaction in attending us with the 
 broken meat. 
 
 " Eight o'clock. Went into the paddock behind the house with my 
 maiden Dorothy : caught Stump, the little black pony, myself, and rode 
 a matter of six miles, without either saddle or bridle. 
 
 '* Ten o'clock. Went to dinner. John Grey one of our visitants 
 a most comely youth but what's that to me? A virtuous maiden 
 should be entirely under the direction of her parents. John ate very 
 little stole a great many tender looks at me said a w oman never 
 could be handsome, in his opinion, who was not good tempered. I 
 hope my temper is not intolerable ; nobody finds fault with it but 
 Roger, and lioger is the most disorderly serving man in our family. 
 
138 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 John Grey likes white teeth my teeth are a pretty good colour, I 
 think, and my hair is as black as jet, though I say it and John, if I 
 mistake not, is of the same opinion. 
 
 " Eleven W0e&. Rose from table, the company all desirous of walk- 
 ing- in the fields. John Grey would lift me over every stile. ^ and twice 
 he squeezed my hand with great vehemence. I cannot say I should 
 have any aversion to John Grey : he plays prisonbars as well as any 
 gentleman in the country, is remarkably dutiful to his parents, and 
 never misses church of a Sunday. 
 
 " Three o'clock. Poor farmer Robinson's house burnt down by ac- 
 cidental fire. John Grey proposed a subscription among the company, 
 and gave a matter of no less than five pounds himself to this benevolent 
 intention. Mem. Never saw him look so comely as at that moment. 
 
 " Four o'clock. Went to prayers. 
 
 " Six o'clock. Fed the poultry and dogs. 
 
 " Seven o'clock. Supper at the table ; delayed on account of farmer 
 Robinson's fire and misfortune. The goose pie too much baked, and 
 the loin of pork almost roasted to rags. 
 
 4< Nine o'clock. The company almost all asleep. These late hours 
 are very disagreeable. Said my prayers a second time, John Grey 
 disturbing my thoughts too much the first time* fell asleep about ten, 
 and dream' t that John had come to demand me of my Father. 
 
 CHEER UP. 
 
 Never go gloomily, man with a mind, 
 
 Hope is a better companion than fear; 
 Providence, ever benignant and kind, 
 
 Gives with a smile what you take with a tear 
 All will be right, 
 Look to the light; 
 
 Morning was ever the daughter of night; 
 All that was black will be all that is bright, 
 Cheerily, cheerily, then ! cheer up. 
 
 Many a foe is a friend in disguise, 
 
 Many a trouble a blessing most true, 
 Helping the heart to be happy and wise, 
 
 VVith love ever precious, and joys ever new ! 
 Stand in the van, 
 Strive like a man ! 
 
 This is the bravest and cleverest plan ; 
 Trusting in God while you do what you can. 
 Cheerily, cheerily, then ! cheer up. 
 
 M. F. TUPPER. 
 
 AN APPEAL TO THE FEELINGS. Treading on a person's corns. 
 
MERRY COMPANION". 139 
 
 A WOMAN'S SMILE. " She liacl just time to look up ami smile. 
 And oh ! what a sight there is in that word smile it changes 
 colour like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a 
 smile of hate, a satiric smile, an affected smile, a smile of appro- 
 bation, a friendly smile but, above all, a smile of love. A wo- 
 man has two smiles that an angel might envy the smile that 
 accepts the lover after the words are uttered, and the smile that 
 lights on the first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love." 
 
 GEOGRAPHICAL. The c State of Matrimony* has at last been 
 bounded and described by some out- West Student, who says : ' It 
 is one of the United States. It is bounded by hugging and kissing 
 on one side, and cradles and babies on the other side. Its chief 
 productions are population, broomsticks, and staying out late o' 
 nights. It was discovered by Adam and Eve, while trying to find 
 a north-west passage out of Paradise. The climate is sultry till 
 you pass the tropics of house-keeping, when squally weather sets 
 in with such power as to keep all hands cool as cucumbers. For 
 the principal roads leading to this interesting state, consult the first 
 pair of blue eyes you run against/ 
 
 PRINTING PRESS, PULPIT, AND PETTICOATS. These are the 
 three great levers that govern the world. Without them the bottom 
 would fall out, and society would become chaos again. The press 
 patriotic, the pulpit religious, but women answer all things. There 
 would be no going to church if there were no girls there ; neither 
 would there be any going to war were the soldiers to meet with no 
 applause but from the masculines. Without the shunshine shed 
 by women, the rosebud of affection would never grow, nor the flowers 
 of eloquence germinate. In short, she is the steam-engine of life, 
 the great motive power of love, valour, and civilisation. In proof 
 of this truth all history speaks trumpet-tongued. 
 
 ELOQUENCE. Different styles of eloquence, each producing the 
 desired effect : 
 
 'Contribute liberally, my brethren; give such a sum as you 
 would not be ashamed to place on the altar of heaven in presence 
 of an assembled universe.' Bishop Griswold. 
 
 ' Contribute generously, my friends ; not fourpence half-pennies, 
 but run your hand into your pocket up to the elbow, and bring out 
 a handful, as a sailor would if you needed his aid.' Rev. Mr. 
 Taylor. 
 
140 MEIUIY COMPANION. 
 
 < FAST; YET STILL * FASTER: 
 
 Tom Nicholson, the well-known wit of Houghton, dropped in 
 one day at a Village Tavern, in the nighbourhood of Barnsley, for 
 the purpose, as the saying goes, to cool his copper. In the room 
 which Tom entered, a llirty young fellow, the son of a farmer, was 
 swaggering lustily to the company, what a fast horse he had ; ' six- 
 teen miles an hour,' said he, * is nothing, it was only a donkey 
 speed.' l Hey ! said Tom, working the muscles of his face, * Yes, 
 Sir! its the fastest horse in this country is mine.' ' Do yo mean 
 ta say so?* squeaked out Tom, bounding from his chair as if kicked 
 by a spring. * Yes, I do P 4 Then al just bet ye a nod craan bowl 
 a punch at yo Levant a faster than mine, an wil Lev t'punch in be- 
 fore we start.' 'Very good,' said the young farmer, 'agreed on. 1 
 As good as you like/ replied Tom, sucking his lip at the idea, and 
 down they sat together, making no small noise about the superior 
 fastness of their horses. The bowl being emptied, up they both 
 jumped as fierce as crickets, especially Tom, who began to button 
 his coat, and fix his hat firmly, as though he was ' going to go" 
 at a speed something like flying. This, however, appeared not to 
 daunt the anxious farmer, who mounted his horse immediately, 
 and called upon his opponent to bring out his. Tom, who was in 
 the house putting his face into as grave a form as he possibly couid 
 make it, came running out all in a bustle. ' Now, then, where is 
 this tit ?' asked the farmer. ' Mine, Sur ?' said Tom. ' Yes, 
 yours !' ' Ha ! bless ye, get aff wea ; yo tawk abaght this being a 
 last tit,' striking it on* the snout, ' wha mun its nowt of a fastan, 
 mines been two days an two neets stuck ovvert head e clay nearly, 
 e Little Houghton dyke. Nah, then, if that beant a faster than 
 yor's, I've dun.' Having said this, Tom kicked up his heel, and 
 into the house he popped. The farmer not only reddened up, but 
 appeared terribly chagrined at being so smartly outwitted ; never- 
 theless, he paid the wager, and through the village he dashed at 
 a rate not less than sixteen miles an hour. 
 
 ' Why is the letter D like a ring ?' said a young lady to her ac- 
 cepted one day. The gentleman, like the generality of his sex in 
 such a situation, was as dull as a hammer. ' Because,' added the 
 lady, with a very modest look at the picture at the other end of the 
 room, 4 because we can't be wed without it.* 
 
 IN Illinois a young lady offered the following toast: "the 
 young men of America their arms are our support our arms 
 their reward." 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 1-11 
 
 A Yankee student being asked how many genders there were, 
 said ' three masculine, feminine, and neutral / and defined them 
 as follows : 'Masculine, men; feminine, women; and neutral, 
 old bachelors.' 
 
 THE TRULY HAPPY MAN. A complete miser is said to he a 
 happy man ; but Dr. Johnson remarks truly, that a man who both 
 spends and saves money is the happiest man, because he has both 
 enjoyments. 
 
 YANKEE INQUISITIVENES*. One of the last stories of Yankee 
 inquisitiveness makes the victim give his tormentor a direct cut, 
 in telling him he wished to be asked no further questions. The 
 inquisitor fell back a moment to take breath and change his tac- 
 tics. The half-suppressed smile on the faces of the other passen- 
 gers soon aroused him to further exertions ; and, summoning up 
 more resolution, he then began again : * Stranger, perhaps you are 
 not aware how almighty hard it is for a Yankee to control his cu- 
 riosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would like to know 
 your name and residence, and the business you follow. I expect 
 you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you, just obleedire 
 me ?' This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up to the 
 extremest height allowed by the coach, and, throwing back his 
 shoulders, replied : ' My name is General Andrew Washington. 
 I reside in the State of Mississippi. I am a gentleman of leisure, 
 and, I am glad to be able to say, of extensive means. 1 have 
 heard much of New York, and I am on my way to see it : and if 
 I like it as well as I am led to expect, / intend to buy it' Then 
 was heard a shout of stentorian laughter throughout the stage- 
 coach ; and this was the last of that conversation. 
 
 A NEGRO PREACHER'S PRAYER. A gentleman passing near 
 the meeting-house of coloured people of Whitestown, New York, 
 heard what he describes as follows : 'A long favoured gentleman 
 from Africa was closing up a prayer, and some white boys in a 
 corner had the manners to laugh, so that the praying member 
 heard them. He had a moment before said very earnestly : ' We 
 pray dut de Lord will bress all ilesh dat is human,' when the laugh 
 occurred, and commencing again just before the amen, the pious 
 negro said : ' O Lord, we is not in de habit of adding postscripts 
 to our prayers, but if de 'spression bress all dat is human wouldn't 
 take in dese white fellers dare, den we pray dat you will bress some 
 what airit human, a/so, besides f ' 
 
142 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 REMARKABLE NEETS. That, when t'man ran home, freetand 
 aglit ov hiz sensas at seein t'dead haar at neet. 
 
 That, when t'watchman distinctly heard a hallo raand t'mooin. 
 
 That, when t'dog star wor seen ta bite a piece aglit at northern 
 leets. 
 
 That, when t'owd womman heard t'breik a day. 
 
 That, when t'lad wackaud hizsen wefallin asleep. 
 
 PROVERBS FOR Wi MM IN. Sum wimmin are fond of tellin what 
 rnhs thave gien their nabor: egshacktly, an wot a thing it ud be, 
 if ther chairs cud say t'irame be them. 
 
 Sum wimmin are fond of publishin ther huzband's folts ; but 
 forget at thare printin ther awn at same time. 
 
 Sum wimmin are fond of tellin hah little ther hause costs em ; 
 but tacks care not ta say a wurd wot their backs costs their huz- 
 bands 
 
 AN IRISH WAGER. 
 
 ' Nate hand you are then, my darlint/ said one bricklayer to 
 another. ' You mount the ladder wid yer hod full of stones, and 
 scatter them on the head if us as ye go, sir/ 
 
 4 Be me sowl, I'd carry yer own swate self up from de flags to 
 de roof, an' down, wiclout yer being spilt.' 
 
 * You couldn't do it, sir I'd lay a thrifle ye couldn't/ 
 ' For a noggin I would den d'ye take me bet ?' 
 
 ' Done ! the noggin on't ye can't, sir ' 
 
 4 We'll thry that ! bundle in !' 
 
 Fearful as the experiment may seem, it was successful, and 
 Jerry, once more landing the adventurous Pat on the pavement, 
 said, triumphantly, 
 
 ' The price of me stuff, if it's aguel t'ye! Haven't I won it?' 
 
 * Ye have, sir, admitted Pat, reluctantly, lugging out his half- 
 pence ; 4 as it happens, I'm bate. I'd rather lose any thing than 
 my wager, an' just as we were coinen by the secor-i story I was in 
 great hopes. 
 
 One day philosopher Bias found himself in the same vessel with 
 a crowd of sorry scoundrels. A tempest came on ; and instantly 
 the whole band began to invoke the succour of their gods. 4 Be 
 quiet, you wretches !' said the sage ; ' if the gods perceive that you 
 are here we are lost !' 
 
MEERT COMPANION. 143 
 
 PRESENTATION AND ANSWER. A moon-struck wooer the other 
 day, presented a rose to a lady, accompanied with the following 
 lines : 
 
 PRESENTATION. 
 
 Accept, dear maid, this beauteous rose, 
 
 To deck thy breast most fair; 
 Observe its hue, nor wonder why 
 
 It blushes to be there ! 
 
 ANSWER. 
 
 I will accept thy beauteous rose, 
 
 And on my breast enslave it ; 
 But should it blush, I should suppose 
 
 Tis for the fool who gave it ! 
 
 SAM SLICK AND THE QUAKER. 
 
 WHEN I fust went out in the clock line, up Huron way, I used to 
 be subject to the cramp, violent fits of the cramp, and nothin' a' most 
 gave me relief but holdin' up a roll of stick brimstone in my hand, and 
 I used to place it every night under the pillow of my bed to have it 
 handy. Well, one night, (and most sincerely cold it was too) I was 
 a-bed along with Plato Frisk, a jumpin' quaker, a terrible cross-grain- 
 ed, cantankersorne crittur, as ever I seed. He had a beard like a goat, 
 it hung down to his waist a'most, and he had the power of raisin' it 
 up with his chin, and whiskin' it as an ondocked crittur does its tail. 
 A switch of it across your face was as bad as a blow from a bunch of 
 stingin' nettles ; it made it smart again like all wrath. It was a cau- 
 tion to look at. His nose was long, thin, and rounded, like the shape 
 of a reapin' hook, and his eyes as black and small as a weasel's; they 
 looked like two burnt holes in a blanket, they was so deep. He actilly 
 was an awful-lookin' crittur, as shaggy as a two-year old, and jist 
 about as ontamed too. Well, I woke up in the night, half dead with 
 the cramp, and screamin' like mad, and I jist put out fin and felt for the 
 brimstone, and I no sooner seized it, than Frisk he roared like a bull 
 too, and folks came runnin' and troopiri' in from the other room, to 
 see what on airth all the hubbub was about ; and I hope I may die this 
 blessed minit if I hadn't got him by the nose in mistake for the brim- 
 stone (a'most an endless one it was too) and was a-squeezin' away and 
 a-hangin' on it like grim Death to a dead nigger. It made me larf so, 
 when the lights came in, and I seed the ugly faces the goney made, 
 that it cured the cramp, hang me if it didn't. 
 
 ' Genius will work its way through/ as the poet remarked, when he 
 Baw a hole in the elbow of his coat. 
 
1-14 MEHKT COMPANION. 
 
 DETECTING THE HYPOCRITES. Murray's 'Handbook for South 
 Italy' has been published, and contains some curious stories respec- 
 ting Fra Rocco, the celebrated Dominican preacher and the spi- 
 ritual Joe Miller of Naples. On one occasion, it is related, he 
 preached on one occasion a penitential sermon, and introduced so 
 many illustrations of terror, that he soon brought his hearers to 
 their knees. While they were thus showing every sign of contri- 
 tion, he cried out : ' Now all you who sincerely repent of your sins, 
 hold up your hands 1* Every man in the vast multitude immediate- 
 ly stretched out both his hands.' * Holy Archangel Michael/ ex- 
 claimed Rocco, ' thou who with thine adamantine sword standest 
 at the right of the judgment-seat of God, hew me off every hand 
 which has been raised hypocritically !' In an instant every hand 
 dropped, and Rocco of course poured forth a fresh torrent of elo- 
 quent invective against their sins and their deceit. He had a great 
 dislike to tobacco, and when once preaching to a crowd of Spanish 
 sailors, he astounded them by telling them that there were no Span- 
 ish saints in heaven. A few, he said, had been admitted, but they 
 smoked so many cigars that they made the Holy Virgin sick, and 
 ttt. Peter set his wits to work to get them out. At length he pro- 
 claimed that a bull-fight was to be held outside the gate of Para- 
 dise. Thereupon every Spanish saint, without exception, ran off 
 to see the fight, and St. Peter immediately closed the gate, and 
 took care never to admit another Spaniard. 
 
 A poor Paddy, who was on his death-bed, and who was not quite 
 reconciled to the long journey before him, was consoled by a friend 
 with the common observation, that we must all die once. 4 Why, 
 honey,' answered Paddy, 'that is the very thing that vexes me ; if 
 I could die half-a-dozen times I should not mind it.' 
 
 * I'll bet a sheep,' said old Jones to his other half, * that our boy, 
 Tom, is guing crazy. He is grinning at the plough, and grinning 
 at the barn, and grinning at himself, wherever he goes.' ' Pooh :' 
 replied the old woman, ' don't you know he got a love-letter this 
 morning.' 
 
 SECRETS. We've heard of a secret down in Portland which 
 was so big that it required all the women in the town to keep it ; 
 and then they could not do so without the help of their husbands. 
 
MEEKY COMPANION. 14:5 
 
 JOVIALITIES. 
 
 4 Och !' says raddy, ' I'll never be able to put these boots on until 
 I have worn them a week or two.' 
 
 WHY cannot a gentleman legally possess a short walking- stick? Be- 
 cause it can never be-/o//^r to hirn. 
 
 One swallow does not make a summer, but one lion can make a spring-. 
 
 My son is remarkably clever; even immediately after lie was horn, 
 he turned his attention to, and became conversant with the principal 
 globes of the Milky Way. 
 
 Naomi, the daughter of Enoch, was 580 years old, when she mar- 
 ried. Courage, ladies. 
 
 If dull weather affects you, marry a warm-hearted girl, and make a 
 sunshine for yourself. Bachelors will find this far superior to either 
 billiards or Burgundy. 
 
 LOST IN A FOG. " Suppose you are lost in a fog," said Lord C 
 
 to his noble relative, the Marchioness, " what are you most likely to 
 be ?" " Mist, of course," replied her ladyship. 
 
 WOMAN. The last and best of all the series. If we may have her 
 for a toast, we won't ask for any to-her. 
 
 A man in Michigan, not long since, committed suicide by drowning. 
 As the body could not be found, the coroner held an inquest on his hat 
 arid jacket found on the bank of the lake. Verdict, " found empty." 
 
 " Were you ever baptised?" inquired an earnest minister of a green 
 candidate. " N-n-no, sir! never, on'y once't, and then I fell in." '. 
 
 A worthy minister, noted for his wit, on being asked what kind of a 
 person the wife of Mr. was, replied, "I will give you her gram- 
 matical character. She is noun substantive, seen, felt, and heard." 
 
 ** I wish you would pay a little attention, sir," exclaimed a stage- 
 manager to a careless actor. " Well, I urn paying- as little as I can," 
 was the calm reply. 
 
 PROVERBS. T'saand ov a scrubbin-brush e sum foaks' hause, ad be 
 a deal more musical tlien't tinklin ov a pea n no. 
 
 A door plate we a man's name on iz a varry good thing, but a table 
 plate we a man's dinner on it iz a gool deal better. 
 
 The man who * fell into raptures' with a pretty girl, was got out with 
 considerable difficulty. 
 
 MAN'S Two QUESTIONS. Man asks two questions, * Can you love 
 me?' and * Will you marry me?' If woumn is too quick in answering 
 the first, he seldom asks the second. 
 
 J 
 
146 MERRY COMPA:NTOK. 
 
 SONG FOR THINKERS. 
 
 TAKE the spade of Perseverance, 
 
 Dig 1 the field of Progress wide ; 
 Every rotten root of faction 
 
 Hurry out, and cast aside 
 Every stubborn weed of Error; 
 
 Every seed that hurts the soil ; 
 Tares, whose very growth is terror 
 
 Dig* them out, whate'er the toil ! 
 
 Give the stream of Education 
 
 Broader channel, bolder force; 
 Hurl the stones of Persecution, 
 
 Out, where'er they block its course; 
 Seek for strength in self-exertion ; 
 
 Work, and still have faith to wait; 
 Close the crooked gate to fortune ; 
 
 Make the road to honour straight \ 
 
 Men are agents for the Future ? 
 
 As they work, so ages win 
 Either harvest or advancement, 
 
 Or the product of their sin ! 
 Follow out true cultivation, 
 
 Widen Education's plan; 
 From the majesty of Nature 
 
 Teach the Majesty of MAN ! 
 
 Take the spade of Perseverance; 
 
 Dig 1 the field of Progress wide ; 
 Every bar to true instruction 
 
 Carry out and cast aside ; 
 Feed the plant whose fruit is Wisdom ; 
 
 Cleanse from crime the common sod ; 
 So that from the throne of Heaven 
 
 It may bear the glance of GOD. 
 
 How MEN SHOULD TREAT WOMEN. A Persian poet gives the 
 following instruction on this important point: 'When thou art 
 married seek to please thy wife ; but listen not to all that she says. 
 From man's right side a rib was taken to form the woman, and 
 never was there seen a rib quite straight. It breaks but bends not. 
 Since, then, it is plain that crooked is woman's temper, forgive 
 her faults, and blame her not, nor let her anger thee, nor correction 
 use, as it is in vain to straighten what is crooked.' 
 
MEERT COMPANION. 117 
 
 A MARRIAGE NEATLY ACCOMPLISHED. Lizst the pianist, hud 
 taken a fancy to a jeweller's daughter, and thus is the courtship de- 
 scribed: One morning 1 the jeweller coming to the point with German 
 frankness, said to Lizst, * How do you like my daughter?' ' She is an 
 angel.' * What do you think of marriage?' *I think so well of it, 
 that I have the greatest possible inclination to try it.' * What would 
 you say to a fortune of three millions of francs ?' * I would willingly 
 accept it.' * Well, we understand each other. My daughter pleases 
 you; you please my daughter; her fortune is ready be my son-in- 
 law. 1 * With all my heart.' The marriage was celebrated the follow- 
 ing week. And this, according to the chronicles of Prague, is a true 
 account of the marriage of the great pianist Lizst 
 
 THE WIDE-AWAKE SLEEPER. 
 
 The Worcester Herald records the following trick : Some time after 
 dinner, a stranger walked into one of the inns; he was genteelly 
 dressed, and professed to be tired. Having taken refreshment, he said 
 he would take a nap for an hour. To sleep he went, in a very business- 
 like style, in his chair, and a long nap he appeared to enjoy. Before 
 it expired, the usual srnoke-a-pipe company began to drop in ; and 
 among others, two strangers made their appearance. One of the com- 
 pany remarked that it was unpleasant to have a man sleeping in a 
 public room with valuable property about him, such as the sleeper, 
 who had a fine-looking gold guard chain displayed on his waistcoat, 
 and apparently connected with a watch in one of his pockets. To this 
 remark, one of the strangers replied ' Pooh ! that's no gentl'man, 
 I'm sure ; he's more likely one of them ere swell mob as is alwas a 
 taking of people in. I dare say he has no watch at all ; but I'll soon 
 see.' Suiting the action to the word, the stranger softly drew forth 
 out of the sleeping man's pocket a piece of wood, round, and about the 
 size of a watch. * I thought so,' said he, ' there's a pretty watch for 
 you,' holding it up that the company might see it; and then he re- 
 turned it to the owner's pocket. 
 
 By-and-bye the sleeper awoke, and called briskly for a glass of 
 brandy-and- water. He assumed quite a patronising air to tlie farmers, 
 which soon raised a desire to put him down. Accordingly, one of 
 the seniors required to be informed of the time of day ? 
 
 * Why,' said the gentleman, * the fact is, I had a drop too much last 
 night, and forgot to wind up my watch.' 
 
 * Just so!' ejaculated the senior, * you forgot to wind up, did you? 
 You'd be puzzled to do that, I dare say, wouldn't you, now? 
 
 * Well, sir, you seem to take more notice of such a trifle than there 
 is any call for ; but the truth is I have not a watch-key about me, and 
 mine is rather a peculiar watch.' 
 
 Here a burst of laughter ensued, and a number of jokes were passed 
 
148 MERRY COMPAyiOlST. 
 
 about tho very peculiar style of the watch. At last one of the company 
 roundly told him that he had no watch at all about him; whereupon 
 the amazed individual hastily clapped his hand to his waistcoat pocket, 
 having- declared that, unless the watch had been stolen since he had been 
 in the room, he had one. Satisfied, apparently, by the external ap- 
 plication to his pocket, he said * It's all right; my watch is here. I 
 thought you had been playing a trick upon me.' 
 
 * I'll bet you 5 as you've no watch,' bawled out one of the tormen- 
 tors; another offered to bet him 10; and one of the strangers saiil 
 he hadn't 5, but there were two sovereigns which he should like to 
 double by betting in the same way. 
 
 The awakened sleeper looked at them with astonishment, and asked 
 if they were serious ; they all stuck to it that he had no watch ; and 
 then he took out his purse and produced five and ten pound notes equiv- 
 alent to the bets offered against him. The stakes were posted ; and 
 then the thoroughly-awakened sleeper coolly pulled out the piece of 
 wood, at which a horse laugh arose against him ; but the laughter was 
 soon on the other side, when, touching a spring in the bit of wood, it 
 flew open and displayed a very handsome gold watch snugly encased 
 within it ! The gentleman gave a plausible reason for preferring so 
 odd-looking a case for his watch, with which his dupes might either 
 feel satisfied or not. He had received their money to the extent of 
 20; and they had bought a knowledge of " the time of day." 
 
 Of course the very suggestive strangers lost nothing by the business 
 they, in fact, were accomplices of this clever sharper ; and it is pos- 
 sible that more than one attempt may be made to repeat the exueri- 
 incnt. 
 
 Miss M , a young lady of considerable attractions, chanced to 
 
 be seated at a dinner-party next a gentleman remarkable for tiie bril- 
 liancy of his wit, who had long made one of her train of admirers. 
 The conversation turning on to the uncertainty of human life. * I 
 mean to insure mine,' said the young lady, archly, ' in the Hope.' * In 
 the hope of what?' said her admirer ; 'a single life is hardly worth 
 insuring ; I propose we should insure our lives together, and if you 
 have no objection, I would prefer the Alliance.' 
 
 * You are from the country, are you not, sir?' said a dandy young 
 bookseller to a homely-dressed Quaker who had given him some trou- 
 ble. * Yes.' * Well, here's an Essay on the Hearing of Calves.' 
 * That,' said Aminidab, as he turned to leave the shop, * thee had better 
 present to thy mother.' 
 
 Young gentlemen who would prosper in love, should woo gently. 
 It ie> not fashionable for young latiu-s to take ardent spirits 
 
ME SHY COMPANION. 149 
 
 WHEN Baron Platt, was on the assize circuit in Somersetshire, 
 a week or two ago, he called at an inn on the road, in the night- 
 time, for refreshment. Having finished his meal, the learned judge 
 was proceeding from his room to his carriage, and met* mine host.' 
 ' What have I to pay ? inquired his lordship. * Oh, nothing, no- 
 thing/ replied Boniface, with a significant look, * we don't charge 
 butlers when they bring their masters.' The worthy justice shook 
 his sides with laughter at the idea of her Majesty's representative 
 being taken for a butler ; and the sides of the generous host shook 
 under very different emotious when he discovred that he had made 
 so great a mistake. 
 
 A RARE PATRIMONY. A young man of Nuremburg (says the 
 journal of that city) who had no fortune, requested a lawyer, a friend 
 of his, to recommend him to a family where he was a daily visitor, 
 and where there was a handsome daughter who was to have a 
 large fortune. The lawyer agreed ; but the father of the young 
 lady, who loved money, immediately asked what property the young 
 man had. The lawyer said he did not exactly know, but he would 
 inquire. The next time he saw his young friend he asked him 
 if he had any property at all. 4 No,' replied he. ' Well,' said the 
 lawyer, ' would you suffer any one to cut off your nose if he would 
 give you 20,000 dollars for it?' (What an idea;) 'Not for all 
 the world!' *'Tis well,' replied the lawyer; 4 1 had a reason for 
 asking.' The next time he saw the girl's father, he said, 4 1 have 
 inquired about this young man's circumstances. He has, indeed, 
 no ready money, but he has a jewel for which, to my knowledge, 
 he has been offered, and he refused, 20,000 dollars.' "This induced 
 the old father to consent to the marriage, which accordingly took 
 place ; though it is said that in the sequel he often shook his head 
 when he thought of the jewel. 
 
 A SILLYBUS. A Leckterin chap ridein up a wun at railways e 
 Yorksher, tuck it into hiz head, when goin' throo a tunnel, ta gie 
 a nice young woman a cus, for which he wor tain befoar Injustices 
 and fined : well, if he wor a leckterer, that wor hiz silly-buss, then 
 hey, an wun ah sud say, at he woddant a publish't if he'd a nawn. 
 
 * How seldom it happens,' remarked one friend to another, ' that 
 we find editors bred to the business !' ' Quite as seldom,' replied 
 the other, * that we find the business bread to the editors.' 
 
150 ME BEY COMPAKLCXS". 
 
 Swift once attempted, in a humourous mood, to prove that all 
 things were governed by the word led. He said, ' Our noblemen 
 and hard-drinkers are -pimp-led physicians and pulses are iee-led 
 their patients and oranges are p\\-led a new married man and 
 an ass are bride-/e(/ an old married man and a packhorse are 
 sad-led cats and dice are rat-led swine and nobility are sty 'led 
 a maid and a tinder-box are spark-lief. 
 
 A DREAM OF FAIRY-LAND. 
 
 I dreamt last night I had left thee, love, 
 
 To wander in elfin bowers ; 
 I had left this dull and sorrowful earth 
 
 For a life in a world of flowers 
 Fair and fresh the roses grew, 
 
 Bright as the stars above; 
 Yet I'd leave them all, if my dream were true, 
 
 In this world to be near thee, love ! 
 
 Then I thought in a sparkling palace I dwelt ; 
 
 Around me an elfin band ; 
 And the loveliest forms around me knelt 
 
 I was Queen of their Fairy-land ! 
 Though they brought me a crown of violets blui 
 
 As the azure skies above, 
 I'd have left them all, had my dream been true. 
 
 For a smile from thee, my love, 
 
 When lull'd by music, far more sweet, 
 
 Than to mortal's ear e'er sounded, 
 On a pillow of roses I sank to sleep, 
 
 By fairy guards surrounded, 
 I awoke, and thought of the sweet music, 
 
 That seern'd wafted from above ; 
 But I'd leave them all, were my vision true, 
 
 For the music of thy voice, love 1 
 
 WHEN George IV, went to Ireland, one of the * pisantry,' de- 
 lighted with his affability to the crowd on landing, said to the toll- 
 keeper as the king passed through, ' Och now! and his Majesty, 
 God bless him, never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?' 'Oh! 
 kings never does, we let's 'em go free,' was the answer. * Then 
 there's the dirty money for ye,' says Pat. * It shall never be said 
 the king came here, and found nobody to pay the turnpike for him.' 
 
1EKRY COMPANION. 151 
 
 A GARDENER'S LOVE LETTER 
 
 The following- amusing 1 letter has actually fallen in our way. "VVe 
 give it insertion, believing it will interest and amuse some of our read- 
 ers particularly our horticultural friends : 
 
 1 , Sun-blower Terrace, Primrose Hill. 
 
 ' My Rose-Mary, As you are the Pink of perfection and the Blos- 
 som of May, I wish to tell Yew that my Heart' s-ease has been torn 
 up by the Roots, and the Peas of my Holm entirely destroyed since I 
 began to Pine after Yew. Yew will perceive that I am a gardener. 
 My name is William Bad. At first I was poor, but by Shooting in 
 the Spring, and driving a Car-nation fast, I obtained a Celery, and 
 by a little Cabbaging, &c., I Rose to be master (though something like 
 a Creeper) of the whole garden. I have now the full command of the 
 Stocks and the Mint ; I can raise Ane-mone, from a Penny Royal to 
 a Plum, and what my expenditure Leaves I put in a Box for Yew. 
 If I may, as a Cock's- comb, speak of myself, I should say that I was 
 in the Flower of manhood that I was neither a Standard nor a 
 Dwarf, a Mushroom nor a Maypole ; my nose is of the Turnup- Red- 
 dish kind, and my locks hang in clusters about my Ears. I am often 
 in the company of Rakes, and rather fond of Vine and Shrub which 
 my Elders reprove me for ; so I had better Berry all this, and as I 
 am a Branch of a good Stock, with a portly Bearing, I well know when 
 and where to make my Bough. So Lett-uce act for ourselves, and fix 
 an early day for engrafting your fate with mine which might be made 
 a Pop-tar measure ; but I think it had better be Privet, for Jon-quil 
 the lawyer says that your old Crab of a father, who did never a Li- 
 Lack, when he wanted to part us, means to take the Elm in his own 
 hands in this matter, but if he does, and Bullace me at all, I will not 
 be Slow in settling his Ash, and I will be such a Thorn in his side that 
 the day he does it shall be one of the worst Days-he ever saw. But 
 I must sow no seeds of discord ; for I am certain that we should make 
 a very nice Pear, and never repent even when we became Sage by 
 Thyme. You would be the Balm of my Life, and I should be the 
 Balsam of yours ; so that people who might call us Green now would 
 call us Evergreen hereafter. And now Sweet Peas be with you ; and 
 if he who tries at it Tares me from Yew, I shall become a Melon- 
 Cauli-flower, and wither away. My tongue will always be ^Scarlet- 
 Runner in your praise ; for I have planted my Hops in Yew, and now 
 I only live for the Thyme when I may hear from your own Tu-lipa 
 that I am your Sweet William, and not your Weeping Will-0* 14th 
 February, 1851." 
 
 " To Miss Mary Gold, who in prospect I hold, 
 To make my new garden like Eden of old." 
 
 Ladies are like violets; the more modest and retiring: they appear, 
 the better you love them. 
 
152 MEEKT COMPANION 
 
 SPRIGHTLY BITS. 
 
 A drunken north countryman returning- from a fair, fell asleep by 
 the road side, where a pig- found him, and begun to lick his mouth. 
 Sawney roared out, * Who's kissing- me noo ? Ye see what it is to be 
 weel liket amang- the lasses.' 
 
 ' Be moderate in all thing-s,' as the boy said to the schoolmaster when 
 whipping 1 him. 
 
 An Irishman trying- to put out a gas-light with his fingers, cried out, 
 ' Och murder ! the devil a wick's in it !' 
 
 * Do you know,' said a cunning- Yankee to a Jew, ' that they hang- 
 Jackasses and Jews tog-ether in Portland?' 'Indeed, brother, then it's 
 well that you and I are not there.' 
 
 Judg-e Peters, of Philadelphia observed to another Judge on the bench 
 that one of the witnesses had a vegetable head. ' How so ?' was the 
 inquiry. ' He has carotty hair, reddish cheeks, a turnup nose, and a 
 sage look.' 
 
 Old maids are the real g-old of womankind, says a modern saw ; to 
 which an old bachelor rejoins, * Arid the young- maids are the real dia- 
 monds.' 
 
 Mr. Squibbs has invented a Macassar Oil of such powerful virtue, 
 that a few drops put upon kittens makes hares of them directly. 
 
 'Well, Mary,' said Thesig-er once to a witness, 'if I may credit 
 what I hear, I may venture to address you by the name of Black Moll.' 
 * Faith, you may, Mr. Lawyer,' said she, ' for I'm always called so by 
 the blackguards.' 
 
 A 'cute Yankee has invented a nest, in the bottom of which there 
 is a kind of trap door, through which the egg, when laid, immediately 
 drops ; and the hen, looking round and perceiving- none, soon lays 
 another.' 
 
 A facetious old lady, describing- the rambling sermons of her minis- 
 ter, said : If his text had the small-pox his sermon would never catch 
 it.' 
 
 There is a man in Philadelphia so thin that it is thought he will 
 never pay the debt of Nature, but will dry up and be blown away ! 
 
 Somebody, who writes more truthfully than poetically, says 'An 
 angel without money is not thought so much of now-a-days as a devil 
 with a bag full of guineas.' 
 
 ' How fortunate I am in meeting a rain-beau in this storm !' said a 
 young lady who was caught in a shower the other day, to her ' beau 
 of promise,' who happened to come along with an umbrella. ' And I,' 
 said he gallantly, ' am as much rejoiced as the poor Laplander when he 
 has caug-ht a rain-dear.' These are the beau ideal of wet weather com- 
 pliments. 
 
MEERY COMPANION 163 
 
 VULGAR. 
 
 If I had a donkey as wouldn't go, 
 Do you think I'd wollop him? no! no 
 I'd give him some corn and cry Gee wo ! 
 Gee up, Neddy. 
 
 REFINED. 
 
 If I had an animal averse to speed, 
 Do you think I'd chastise him? no indeed! 
 I'd give him some oats and cry, Proceed ! 
 Go on, Edward. 
 
 TONY Lee, a player in Charles the Second's reign, being killed 
 in a Tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear coughing 
 as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioning much laughter 
 and noise in the house, he lifted up Lis head, and, addressing 
 himself to the audience, said, ' This makes good what my poor 
 mother used to tell me, for she would olten say that I should cough 
 in my grave.' This set the house in a roar, and every one pardon- 
 ed the solecism he had before committed. 
 
 NAPOLEON'S hat once fell off at a review, when a young lieuten- 
 ant stepped forward, picked it up, and returned it to him. ' Thank 
 you, Captain,' said the Emperor. ' In what regiment, sir?' retor- 
 ted the Sub, quick as lightning. Napoleon smiled, passed on, and 
 forthwith had the lucky youth promoted to the step of his ambition. 
 
 JOHN NEWTON. ' I see in this world,' said John Newton, ' two 
 heaps of human happiness and misery ; now if I can take but the 
 smallest bit from one heap, and add to the other, I carry a point. 
 If, as I go home, a child dropped a half-penny, and i by giving 
 it another I can wipe away its tears, I feel that I have done some- 
 thing, and I should be glad indeed to do greater things, but I will 
 not neglect this.' 
 
 THE EQUIVOQUE. An attorney named Else, rather diminutive 
 in his stature, and not particularly respectable in his character, 
 once met Mr. Jekyll. * Sir,' said he ' 1 hear you have called me 
 a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, Sir ?' ' Sir/ replied 
 Jekyll, with a look of contempt, ' I never said you were a petti log- 
 ger or a scoundrel ; I said that you were LITTLE ELSE !' 
 
154 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 STORY OF A FIRST KISS. 
 
 TN the University of Upsala, in Sweden, lived a young- student, a 
 lonely youth, with a great love for studies, but without any means of 
 pursuing- them. He was poor and without connexions ; still he studied 
 en, living in great poverty, but keeping up a cheerful heart, and try- 
 ing not to look at the future, which looked so grimly at him. His good- 
 humour and good qualities made him beloved by his young comrades. 
 Once he was standing with some of them in the great square of Upsala, 
 prating away an hour of leisure, when the attention of the young men 
 became arrested by a very young and elegant lady, who, at the side 
 of an elderly one, walked slowly over the place. It was the daughter 
 of the Governor of Upland, residing in the city, and the lady with her 
 was her governess. She was generally known for her beauty, and for 
 her goodness and gentleness of character, and was looked upon with 
 great admiration by the students. As the young men now stood silently 
 gazing at her, as she passed on like a graceful vision, one of them ex- 
 claimed * Well, it would be worth something to have a kiss from such 
 a month !' The poor young student, the hero of our story, who was 
 looking intently at that pure and angelic face, exclaimed, as if by in- 
 spiration * Well, I think I could have it.' * What!' cried his friends 
 in a chorus, * are you crazy ? Do you know her?' &c. * Not at all,' 
 he answered ; * but I think she would kiss me, just now, if I asked her.' 
 * What ! in this place, before all our eyes?' * In this place, before your 
 eyes.' * Freely ?' * Freely.' * Well, if she will give you a kiss in that 
 manner, I will give you a thousand dollars !' * And I !' cried three or 
 four others, for it so happened that several rich young men were in 
 the group, and bets ran high on so improbable an event ; and the chal- 
 lenge was made and accepted in less time than we take to relate it. " 
 Our hero my authority tells not whether he was handsome or plain ; 
 I have my peculiar reasons for believing that he was rather plain, but 
 singularly good-looking- at the same time our hero walked off to meet 
 the young lady. He bowed to her and said ' My lady (min froleen), 
 my fortune is in your hands.' She looked at him in astonishment, but 
 arrested her steps. He proceeded to state his name and condition, his 
 aspirations, and related simply and truly what had just passed between 
 him and his companions. The young lady listened attentively, and 
 when he had ceased to speak, she said, blushing, but with great sweet- 
 ness * If by so little a thing so much good could be effected, it would be 
 very foolish in me to refuse your request,' and she kissed the young 
 man publicly, in the open square. 
 
 Next day the young student was sent for by the governor. He wanted 
 to see the young man who had dared to ask a kiss of his daughter in 
 that way, and whom she had consented to kiss so. He received him 
 with a severe and scrutinizing brow ; but, after an hour's conversation 
 was so pleased with him that he invited him to dine at his table during 
 the course of his studies in Upsala. 
 
 Our young man now pursued his studies in a manner which soon 
 
MEHEY COMPANION. 155 
 
 made him regarded as the most promising scholar at the university. 
 Three years had not passed since the day of the first kiss, when the 
 young man was allowed to give a second one to the lovely daughter 
 of the governor, as his betrothed bride. 
 
 He became, later, one of the greatest scholars in Sweden, as much 
 respected for his learning as for his character. His works will endure 
 for ever among the works of science ; and from his happy union sprung 
 a family well known in Sweden in the present day, and whose wealth 
 of fortune and high position in society are regarded as small things, 
 compared with its wealth and goodness of love. 
 
 I'VE SOMETHING SWEET TO TELL YOU. 
 
 I've something sweet to tell you, 
 
 But the secret you must keep, 
 And remember, if it is'nt night, 
 
 J am ' talking in my sleep.' 
 
 For I know I am but dreaming, 
 When I think your love is mine ; 
 
 And I know they are but seeming, 
 All the hopes that round me shine. 
 
 So remember, when I tell you 
 
 What I can no longer keep, 
 We are none of us responsible 
 
 For what we say in sleep. 
 
 My pretty secret's coming ! 
 
 Oh, listen with your heart, 
 And you shall hear it humming 
 
 So close 'twill make you start. 
 
 Oh, shut your eyes so earnest, 
 
 Or mine will wildly weep; 
 I love you ! I adore you ! but 
 
 " I am talking in my sleep." 
 
 M. Lalande dined one day at the house of Recamier, the banker; 
 he was seated between the celebrated beauty, Madame Recamier, 
 and Madame de Stael, equally distinguished for her wit. Wish- 
 ing to say something agreeable to the ladies, the astronomer ex- 
 claimed, l How happy am I to be thus placed between wit and 
 heauty.' * Yes, M. Lalande/ sarcastically replied Madame de Staeli 
 4 and without possessing either.* 
 
1G3 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a 
 wag observed to a friend, ' Those two are just equal to one high- 
 wayman/ Why so?' was the response. * Because,' re-joined the 
 ttag, ' it is a lawyer and a doctor your money or your life.' 
 
 RATHER FOOLISH. Two young ladies hating each other on 
 account of a gentleman who does not care a fig for either of them 
 
 THE VALUE OF MARRIED MEN. * A little more animation, my 
 
 dear,' whispered Lady B to the gentle Susan, who was walking 
 
 languidly through a quadrille. ' Do leave me to manage my own 
 business, mamma/ replied the provident nymph ; ' I shall not 
 dance my ringlets out of curl for a married man/ ' Of course not, 
 my love ; hut I was not aware who your partner was.' 
 
 THE SHIP'S FIDDLER'S INDEX. 
 
 When I was in the Isis frigate up the straits, it was an invariable 
 custom of our old Commodore, Sir Thomas Staines, to tui'^i the hands 
 up to dance and skylark during- the dog watch ; and many a happy 
 hour was thus whiled away; all ennui and monotony seemed at once 
 dispelled. Dancing 1 , singing 1 , jumping 1 , or anything 1 fancy dictated, 
 helped to enliven the din ; here two or three sets were reeling 1 and jig- 
 ging 1 away their hardest here, between the guns, was going on a trial 
 of strength; in another part three or four tars might be seen trying 
 who could hang highest and longest head downwards by their toes, on 
 a ratline; but with one group chock for'ard I have now most to do; 
 and here, without palaver, it is : * Come, Jack, give us a song surn- 
 mut with a chorus; and while we chant, you can think of the next 
 verse.' * I can't sing ; that is, I can sing werry well, 'cos I got plenty 
 'o wind; but just as I clears out, and ought to strike up, either the 
 tune or the words sneaks out o' my mind ; and blow'd if I arnt took 
 all abach.' 'Then,' said a messmate, 'why don't ye do as the Ship's 
 Fiddler does in a like quandary V ' What's that?' said Jack, ' 1 should 
 like to larn.' 'Why, when you axes him to play, he thinks of a yarn 
 he's got by heart, so made up that one line sails into another ; and 
 afore he's done you'd make sure he could jabber all the tunes in the 
 world, in a quarter less than no time; but here he comes, axe him to 
 give us what he calls his index, whatever that means.' And up came 
 the fiddler, who, as requested, at once repeated the following, which 
 was quite enough to awaken Jack's memory : ' God save the Queen' 
 and * Nancy Dawson ;' may they never want * Drops of Brandy' to 
 drink ' A Health to all Good Lasses.' So come, 'My Jolly Waggoner/ 
 and, as we go 'Over the Mountains,' we'll call on the 'Unfortunate 
 Miss Bailey/ and her cousin, ' Lucy Long/ who wear those pretty 
 
MEKEY COMPANION. 157 
 
 ' Bonnets so Blue ;* and then * We Won't go Home till Morning 1 ,' but 
 call on * Captain Mulligan* and Paddy Carey,' on * St. Patrick's Day,' 
 and get ' Biddy the Basket Woman,' to go with us. * Still so Gently' 
 let us * March on, March on,' like * Hearts of Oak,' and call on 'The 
 LHSS of Richmond Hill.' I kissed under * The Mistletoe Bough,' so often 
 
 * Coming through the Rye ;' then, if ' The Fine Old English Gentleman,' 
 and * Tekeli' will persuade * Uncle Ned' to * Rosin the Bow,' we'll have 
 a * Country Dance.' ' Gentle Zitella* and * The Maid of Lodi 1 can dance 
 
 * The Bath Waltz,' while * The Highland Laddie' and * Alice Gray' can 
 show off in 'The Cacoucha;' then we'll send 'The Plough Boy,' in 
 the * Low-backed Car,' to 'Kelvin Grove,' to fetch ' Jeannette and 
 Jeannot,' and get * Sally in our Alley' to bring * The Cabin Boy.' ' Oh, 
 Susannah,' tell me ' In the Dead of the Night,' when 'We're all a Nod- 
 din,' 'Will you Come to the Bower,' and hear 'The Woodpecker,' 
 close by our ' Cottage near a Wood ;' for, oh, ' Remember Love,' what 
 I told 3'ou ' On the Banks of Allan Water.' Oh, ' Drink to me only 
 with thine Eyes,' for ' Life let us Cherish,' as 'The Post Captain' said, 
 'When Pensive he Thought on' ' Katty Darling.' Oh, * Don't you 
 Remember,' Miss, ' The Days when we went Gipsying,' by ' The Brave 
 Old Oak,' when ' Robin Adair* said to ' Peggy Bawn's mother, ' Pray 
 Goody,' let me and my ' Young Love,' that sweet ' Girl I left Behind 
 Me,' dance ' The Tarentella,' for ' The Beating of my Own Heart,' like 
 ' The Thorn' in the ' Last Rose of Summer,' makes ' Home Sweet Home* 
 like a ' Coal Black Rose ;' so I say ' Begone Dull Care,' and ' Away 
 with Melancholy.' So will you ' Meet Me by Moonlight,' my dear, for 
 
 * Is there a Heart that Never Loved' ' Kate Kearney,' that duck of an 
 ' Exile of Erin?' Do come, and bring 'Jenny Jones' with you, for I 
 know ' All's Well,' particularly ' When the Rosy Morn Appearing' 
 
 * Round the Huge Oak.' It will be so nice ; ' Darby Kelly,' and ' Sweet 
 Kitty Clover' on her ' Cork Leg' can meet us ' Within a mile of Edin- 
 burgh,' and 'Dame Burden' will sing 'The Bay of Biscay;' then, 
 when you ' See the Conquering Hero Comes' whistling ' The Canadian 
 Boat Song,' or ' Green Grow the Rushes, oh,' never mind ; if ' My 
 Lodging is on the Cold Ground,' the ' Copenhagen Waltz' among the 
 ' Banks and Braes' will soon warm us ; as for 4 Poor Mary-Ann,' I 
 don't like her 'Oh, no, we never Mention Her;' but if 'The Bevil 
 among the Tailors' plays ' Blue Beard's March,' we'll think of ' Auld 
 Lang Syne,' although there'll be 'Nae Luck about the House' if Paul 
 and Virginia' don't sell us some more ' Brooms, Green Brooms.' Yes, 
 for sure as ' Britannia Rules the Waves,' there will be ' Such a Gettin' 
 up Stairs' such a ' Clare de Kitchen,' that you won't know ' Who's dat 
 Ivnoc-kitig at the Door ;' and when 'The Wandering ministrel' plays 
 ' The Sicilian Mariner's Hymn,' he won't be heard. ' Oh, Dear ! What 
 can the Matter be?' said ' Mary Blane;' if you don't have me 'Jessy 
 the Flower of Dumblane* will ; and as ' Slow Broke the Light' 
 ' Mynheer Von Dunck* was singing ' Here's a Health to those far 
 Away,' he fell into ' The Sea, The Sea,' and then cried out, ' Oh, Think 
 of Me-! oh, Think of Me!' 
 
158 MERRY COMPAKION. 
 
 AN Irish recruit was asked by his officer, ' What's your height ?' 
 To which Pat replied, ' The man that measured me told me it was 
 five foot ten, or ten foot five ; I am not exactly sure which but it 
 was either one or the other.' 
 
 'Mr son,' said an affectionate mother to her son (who resided 
 at a distance, and expected in a short time to be married,) 'you 
 are getting very thin.' 'Yes, mother,' he replied, ' I am, and when 
 I come next, I think you may see my rib.' 
 
 'Mr dear Polly, I am surprised at your taste in wearing another 
 woman's hair on your head,' said Mr. Smith to his wife. ' My 
 dearest Joe, I am equally astonished that you persist in wearing 
 another sheep's wool on your back. There now !' 
 
 GETTING UP IN THE WORLD. ' I worn't always a boots, sir, 
 said Weller, with a shake of his head. ' I was a waggoner's boy 
 once.' ' When was that?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. ' When I was 
 first pitched neck and crop into the world, to play at leap frog with 
 its troubles,' replied Sam. ' I was a carrier's boy at startin' : then 
 a waggoner's, then a helper, then a boots. Now I'm a gen'lm'ns 
 servant. I shall be a gen'l'm'n myself one of these days perhaps, 
 with a pipe in my mouth, and a summer house in the back garden. 
 \Vho knows ? I shouldn't be surprised, for one.' 
 
 A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper 
 
 the following question : ' Mr. M , if a man gives you 500 
 
 to keep for him, and dies, what do you do ? Do you pray tor him ?' 
 ' No, sir,' replied Mr. M , ' I pray for another like him.' 
 
 MASTER OF A PARISH. As a lame country schoolmaster was 
 hobbling one morning upon two sticks to his noisy mansion, he 
 was met by a nobleman, who inquired his name, and the means 
 by which he procured his livelihood ? ' My name,' answered he, 
 is B. T. and I am master of this parish.' This answer increased 
 the curiosity of his lordship, and he desired to know how he was 
 master of the parish ? ' I am,' replied the pedagogue, ' the master 
 of the children of the parish ; the children are masters of their 
 mothers ; the mothers are the rulers of the fathers ; and conse- 
 quently I am the master of the whole parish' His lordship was 
 pleased with this logical reply, and made the schoolmaster a 
 present. 
 
ME RET COMPANION 159 
 
 Madame D. had a magnificent cat. M. de C. amused himself 
 one day by killing it, for want of something else to do. 
 Madame D. caused to be set in her own house, and in the houses 
 of her friends, all sorts of mouse-traps; and when three or four 
 hundred mice were caught, she had them put in a box, which was 
 forwarded to Madame de C. at her country house. The lady 
 eagerly opened the box herself, expecting to find in it some new 
 modes; the mice jumped out and presently filled the house; while 
 at the bottom of the box was found a note directed to Madame de 
 C.: 'Madame, your husband has killed my cat I send you my 
 mice.' 
 
 SARCASTIC. 'Did you present your account to the defendant ?' 
 inquired a lawyer of a client. 'I did, your honour.' 'And what 
 did he say?' 'He told me to go to the devil.* -And what did 
 you do then ?' Why then I came to you.' 
 
 TIT FOR TAT. 
 
 SOME few years since, in the county of Penobscott, there lived 
 a man by the name of H , whose greatest pleasure was in tor- 
 menting others. His own family were generally the butt of his 
 sport. One cold and blustering night he retired to bed at an early 
 hour, his wife being absent at a neighbour's. Some time after, 
 she, on returning, finding the door closed, demanded admittance. 
 
 4 Who are you?' cried Mr. H . ' You know who I am ; let 
 
 me in, it's very cold.' ' Begone, you strolling vagabond ! I want 
 nothing of you here.' * But I must come in.' 'What is your 
 
 name?' 'You know my name, it is Mrs. H .' 'Begone! 
 
 Mrs. H is a very likely woman ; she never keeps such late 
 
 hours as this.' Mrs. H replied, ' if you don't let me in I will 
 
 drown myself in the well.' 'Do, if you please/ he replied. She 
 then took a log and plunged it into the well, and returned to the 
 
 side of the door. Mr. H hearing the noise, rushed from the 
 
 house, to save as he supposed his drowning wife. She at the same 
 
 time slipped in, and closed the door after her. Mr. H , almost 
 
 naked, in turn demanded admittance. ' Who are you ?' she de- 
 manded. ' You know who I am ; let me in, or I shall freeze.' 
 ' Begone, you thievish rogue ! I want nothing of you here.' ' But 
 I must come in.' ' What is your name ?' ' You know my name, 
 
 it is Mr. II .' 'Mr. H is a very likely man; he don't 
 
 keep such late hours.' Suffice it to say, she, after keeping him in 
 the cold until she was satisfied, opened the door and let him in.' 
 
160 MEJRRY COMPANION. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN complimented a lady on her improved appear- 
 ance.* You are guilty of flattery,* said the lady. 4 Not so,' replied 
 the gentleman, 'for I vow you are as plump as a partridge.' ' At 
 first,' replied the lady, ' I thought you guilty of flattery only, but 
 now I find you actually making game of me.' 
 
 FANNY'S ATTACK UPON MAN. 'The weakest part of the alli- 
 gator is his stomach. Man is an alligator.' Fact ! Give him 
 enough to eat, and you are sure of him ! Make a straight path to 
 the dinner table ; kick the children out of the way ; put his knife 
 and fork where he won't loose a minute in getting 'em ; then,, set 
 Lis favourite dish before him, and don't wink till he has eat his 
 way through it, and thens your time to ask for the ' half of his 
 kingdom,' or the whole of it ; keep your ' alligator' tame with vic- 
 tuals^ my dear, and his lite will never be dangerous. But if 
 you've a villainous cook (and don't know how to cook yourself), 
 you may be as beautiful as Venus, as intellectual as Madame de 
 Stael, and as chaste as Diana but your matrimonial death-war- 
 rant is signed, sealed, and delivered ; you can take your piano for 
 firewood, and your French books for kindling, and study how to 
 make the pot boil, if you don't want a divorce quicker than you 
 got your license . I know a man who is bound to his wife by no 
 other tie on earth but her good dinners ! he always adores her at 
 dinner time! Whenever he gets savage, she runs to the pantry, 
 and gets him something to eat, and he'll be as quiet as a young 
 lamb till next feeding time ? Fanny Fern. 
 
 A GOOD STORY. One day, a sturdy peasant in the environs 
 of Evreux was at work in the field, amidst storm and rain, and 
 went home in the evening thoroughly tired, and drenched to the 
 skin. He was met at the house door by his loving wife, who had 
 been at home all day. ' My dear,' said she, ' it has been raining 
 so hard that I could not fetch water, and so I have not been abie 
 to make you any soup. As you are wet through, I shall be ob- 
 liged to you to fetch me a couple of buckets of water ; you will not 
 get any wetter.' The argument was striking; so the man tuik 
 rhe buckets and fetched some water from the well, which was at a 
 considerable distance. On reaching the house, he found his wife 
 comfortably seated by the fire ; then, lifting one bucket after the 
 other, he poured both over his kind and considerate partner. * Now 
 wife,' said he, ' you are quite as wet as I am, so you may as well 
 fetch water for yourself; you can't get any wetter.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 161 
 
 How TO GET FORWARD IN SOCIETY. I know the ins and outs of 
 life from the palace to the log-hut ; and I'll tell you now what I call 
 general rules for society. First, it ain't one man in a hundred knows 
 any subject through; and, if he does, it aint one time in a thousand he 
 has an opportunity or knows how to avail it. Secondly, a srnatterin* 
 is better nor deeper knowledge for society ; for one is small talk, and 
 the other is lecturin'. Thirdly, pretendin' to know, in half the time is 
 as good as knowin', if pretendin' is done by a man of the world 'cutely. 
 Fourthly, if any crittur axes you if you have been here or there, or 
 seen this sight or t'other sight, always say yes, if you can without ly- 
 ing' ; and then turn right round to him, and say, ** What's your opin- 
 ion on it? I should like to hear your views, for they are always so origi- 
 nal.' That saves you makin' a fool of yourself by talking nonsense, for 
 one thing ; and when a room aint overly well furnished, it's best to keep 
 the blinds down in a general way; and it tickles his vanity, and that's 
 another thing. Most folks like the sound of their own voices better 
 than other people's, and every one thinks a good listener arid a good 
 laugher the pleasantest crittur in the world. Fifthly, lead where you 
 know; where you don't foller: but soft sawder always. Sixthly, 
 never get cross in society, especially where the gals are; but bite in 
 your breath, and swaller all down. Sam Slick. 
 
 LOVE AND CARE. 
 
 LOVE sat in his bower one summer day 
 
 And Care, with his train, came to drive him away: 
 
 * I will not depart,' said Love ; 
 And, seizing his lute with silvery words, 
 He ran his bright fingers along the chords, 
 And play'd so sweet, so entrancing an air, 
 That a grim smile lit up the face of Care. 
 
 * A way a way ! ' said Lo ve. 
 
 * Nay, nay ! I have friends !' grim Care replied; 
 ' Behold, here is one and his name is Pride !' 
 
 * I care not for Pride,' said Love. 
 Then touching the strings of his light guitar, 
 Pride soon forgot his lofty air ; 
 
 And seizing the hand of a rustic queen, 
 
 Laugh 'd, gumboil 'd, and tripped it o'er the green. 
 
 * Aha, aha !' said Love. 
 
 1 Away with your jeers!' cried Care, * if you please, 
 Here's another lank, haggard and pale Disease!' 
 
 1 I care not for him/ said Love. 
 Then touch 'd a strain so plaint 1 ' ve and weak, 
 
162 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 That a flush pass'd over his pallid cheek ; 
 And Disease leap'd up from his couch of pain, 
 And smiled, and re-echoed the healing- strain. 
 
 * Well done, for disease!' said Love. 
 
 * Pshaw ! pshaw !' cried Care * this squalid one, see ! 
 How lik'st thou the gaunt look of Poverty? 1 
 
 ' I care not for him,' said Love. 
 Then struck such a sound from his viol's string, 
 That Poverty shouted aloud, * Tm king ! 
 The jewell'd wreaths round my temples shall twine, 
 For the sparkling 1 gems of Golconda are mine !' 
 
 ' Ay, ay very true V said Love. 
 
 Nay boast not,' said Care * There is fretful Old Age, 
 Beware of his crutches, and tempt not his rage!' 
 
 * I care not for Age !' said Love. 
 Then swept the strings of his magic lyre, 
 
 Till the glazed eye sparkled with youthful fire; 
 And Age dropp'd his crutches, and, light as a fay, 
 Laugh'd, caper' d arid danced, like a child at play ! 
 4 Bravo, Sir Eld!' said Love. 
 
 ' A truce,' cried wrinkled Care, * with thy glee ! 
 Now, look at this last one 'tis Jealousy!' 
 
 * Ah me ! ah me !' said Love. 
 
 * Her green eye burns with quenchless fire 
 
 * I die ! I die !' Then, dropping his lyre, 
 Love flew far away from his cherish'd bower, 
 And never returned from that fatal hour ! 
 
 Alas, for thee, blighted Love! 
 
 A STRIKE. The Commander of the General Ernout (Frencii 
 sloop of war) hailed the Reynard sloop, Capt. Coghlan, to strike. 
 * Strike !' replied the Briton, 'that I will, and very hard!' He 
 struck so very hard, that in thirty-five minutes his shot set the 
 enemy on fire, and in ten minutes more she blew up ! Captain 
 Coghlan now displayed equal energy in endeavouring to rescue his 
 vanquished foe ; and by great exertions, fifty-five out of a crew of 
 one hundred were saved. 
 
 An aged Quakeress, the other afternoon, was seen intently gazing 
 upon a piece of brocaded silk, displayed in a linendraper's shop in 
 Fleet Street. A cockney passer-by observed, that it was Satin 
 tempting Eve. 
 
ME11UY COMPANION. 1G3 
 
 KING JAMES I. IN LANCASHIRE. On the way from Preston his 
 attention was attracted by a huge boulder stone which lay in the road- 
 side, and was still in existence not a century ago. * my saul (cried 
 he), that meikle stone would build a braw chapping block for my Lord 
 Provost. Stop; there be letters thereon; unto what purport?' Sev- 
 eral voices recited the inscription : 
 
 4 Turn me o'er and I'll tel thee plainc! 
 
 'Then turn it ower,' said the monarch ; and a long- and laborious toil 
 brought to light the following satisfactory intelligence: 
 
 * Hot porr itch makes hard cake soft, so turn me o'er again* 
 
 * My saul (asiid the kin^) ye shall <ran,ur roun to yonr place again ; these 
 country gouks mauna ken the riddle without the labour/ 
 
 A BASHFUL LOVER. 
 
 A Green Mountain boy fell in love with a very pretty girl, and de- 
 termined to court her. To that end he dressed himsefttn his Sunday- 
 go-to-meetings, went to her father's house, and found her alone. 
 
 * How d'ye du 1' said Jonathan. ' I'm nicely take a chair, Jonathan/ 
 says the girl. Jonathan took a chair and seated himself in the furthest 
 corner of the room, as though the beauty was a thing to be feared 
 rather than loved. ' Ain't you cold? hadn't you better sit up to the 
 fire?' says Sally, supposing he would, of course, if he was going to 
 make love at all, do so in a proper manner. * No, I thankee, I reckon 
 I'm comfortable,' returned Jonathan. * Howe's poor marm?' said 
 Sally. * Well she's cornplainin a leetle,' said Jonathan. Here a pause 
 of ten minutes ensued, during which time Jonathan amused himself by 
 whittling a stick. * There's nothing new up your way, is there?' said 
 Sally, which Jonathan might understand as applying to his present 
 situation, or his father's domicile. * Here ? oh yis, you mean to 
 hum; well no, that is, his our spotted cow has got a calf/ said Jon- 
 athan. Sally would undoubtedly have laughed at his queer piece of 
 information, only she was too much vexed at the bashfulness of the 
 speaker. At length, after another protracted silence, Sally got up a 
 small edition of a scream, and in a loud voice exclaimed, * Let me 
 alone!' ' Why/ says Jonathan, dropping his knife and stick in as- 
 tonishment, ' I ain't a touchinin' on ye/ * Well,' said Sally, in a voice 
 which might be indicative of fear, but sounded very like request 
 
 * Well, ain't you goin' to?' Jonathan thought a moment of this equiv- 
 ocal reply, and then, after placing his knife in his pocket, and blowing 
 his nose, he drew his chair by the side of pretty Sally, and the next 
 week they were married. 
 
 A SHOWERY day is damp, but the refusal of a young lady is a dam- 
 per. 
 
164 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A DEFINITION OF DARKNESS. 
 
 Dr. Twiggm. * Indeed, for his age, sir, he's a wonderful child. 
 Come now, Fred, ray dear, give your papa a nice lucid definition 
 of of darkness.' 
 
 Fred, (after a little thought, and with much sagacity) ' Please 
 sir, 'a blind Ethiopian in a dark cellar at midnight looking 
 for a black cat." 
 
 " Tom, tell the biggest lie you ever told, and I'll give you a glass 
 of stout." "A lie!" I never told a lie in my liie." ''Draw the 
 stout, boy." 
 
 ' I am afraid of lightning,' murmured a pretty woman during a 
 thunder storm. ' Well you may,' sighed a despairing adorer, 
 4 when your heart is steel.' 
 
 AN Irishman remarked to his companion, on observing a lady 
 pass, ' Pat, did you ever see as thin a woman as that?' * Thin,' 
 replied the other, ' Bathershune, I seen a woman as thin as two 
 of her.' 
 
 VALUE OF A PENNY. The compound interest of a penny, from 
 the commencement of the Christian Era till the end of the present 
 year (I860,) at 5 per cent, per nnnum interest payable yearly 
 is such that it would purchase more than three thousand millions 
 of solid globes of gold^ each as large as the earth, supposing that 
 the mean distance of the earth is 7,912 miles, and the weight of a 
 cubic foot of gold 17,591 ounces troy weight, the gold being valued 
 at the Mint price of standard gold, viz., 3 17s. lOjd. per ounce. 
 
 THE SWORD AND THE PEN. A FABLE. The sword of the 
 warrior was taken down to brighten ; it had long been out of use. 
 The rust was soon rubbed off, but there were spots that would not 
 go ; they were of blood. It was on the table, near the pen of the 
 secretary. The pen took advantage of the first breath of air to 
 move a little further off. ' Thou art right,' said the sword ; ' 1 am 
 a bad neighbour.' ' I fear thee not,' replied the pen, 4 1 am more 
 powerful than thou art ; but 1 love not thy society.' ' I extermi- 
 nate,' said the sword. 'And I perpetuate,' said the pen; 'where 
 were thy victories if I recorded them not ? even where thou thyselt 
 shalt one day be in the Lake of Oblivion. 
 
MEREY COMPANION. 1G5 
 
 GARRICK and Hogarth, sitting together at a tavern, mutually 
 lamented the want of a picture of Fielding. ' I think, said (Gar- 
 rick) I could make his face,* which he did accordingly. * For 
 Heaven's sake hold, David, (said Hogarth) remain as you are for 
 a few minutes.' Garrick did so while Hogarth sketched the out- 
 lines, which were afterwards finished from their mutual recollec- 
 tion, and this drawing was the original of all the portraits we have 
 at present of the admirable author of Tom Jones. 
 
 THE Rev. Dr. P. visiting a country clergyman, requested permis- 
 sion to preach to his congregation, which his friend consented to, 
 on condition that he adapted the language of his sermon to the il- 
 literate capacities of his parishioners, and that he used no hard 
 words. After the sermon was over Dr. P. asked his friend whether 
 he had not strictly observed his conditions ? The other replied that 
 he had used several words beyond the comprehension of his hearers, 
 and instanced the word felicity^ for which he should have substi- 
 tuted happiness. Dr. P. contended that one word was as plain as 
 the other ; and to prove it, proposed calling in the ploughman, and 
 putting it to him, which was done. ' Well, Robin, do you know 
 the meaning of the w Old felicity /" ' Ees, Sir, said Robin, (scratch- 
 ing his head, and endeavouring to look wise.) 4 Ees, Sir, I thinks 
 as how I does.' Well, Robin, speak up. 7 ' Why, Sir, I doesn't 
 know disactly, but I thinks it's sorne'at inside of a pig.' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF DR. SMOLLETT. A lad was apprenticed to a 
 chirurgeon in Glasgow, and with whom he had been engaged in 
 frolic on a winter's evening, was receiving a good reprimand from 
 his master for quitting the shop ; and having alleged his excuse 
 that he had been hit by a snow-ball, and had gone out in pursuit 
 of the person who had thrown it, was listening to the taunts of 
 his master on the improbability of such a story. ' How long/ said 
 the son of JEsculapius, with the confident air of one fearless of 
 contradiction, ' might I stand here, and such a thing not happen 
 to me?' when Smollet, who stood behind the pillar of the shop 
 door, and heard what passed, snatched up a snow-ball, and quickly 
 delivered his playmate from the dilemma in which this question 
 had placed him, by an answer equally prompt and conclusive. 
 
 To such an extent is veneration for the fair sex carried in San 
 Francisco, that a party of Oiegonians stopped to have a dance 
 round an old cast-off bonnet. 
 
160 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 THE CHARLATAN. A Charlatan once said he could tell a person's 
 thoughts. One of the Company laughing, desired him to +11 his. 
 ' Why,' said he, * you think what I asserted impossible.* The gentle- 
 man was forced to acknowledge the truth of the answer. * Besides 
 this,' continued the man, * if you get into the other room and shut the 
 door, I'll tell you what you are doing 1 .' The gentleman did so, and 
 balanced a chair on his head, thinking it would be impossible for the 
 charlatan to guess th : s curious occupation. Finding he continued si- 
 lent for some time, the gentleman called out, * what am I doing.' 
 ' Asking me what you are doing,' said the charlatan. The gentleman 
 then tried another method, finding himself thus foiled, and took a com- 
 panion with him into the room, who asked aloud, * what is the gentle- 
 doing?' * Something foolish,' said the man, and his opponent became so 
 chagrined at these answers, that he ceased tormenting the charlatan. 
 
 THE LAWYER AND CLIENT. 
 
 Two lawyers, when a knotty case was o'er, 
 Shook hands and were as good frends as before. 
 
 * Faith,' said the client, * how came you 
 
 To be such friends, who were such fops just now ?' 
 
 * Thou fool, said one, * we lawyers, though so keen, 
 Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between \ f 
 
 CROSS READINGS. 
 
 Last night a gang of notorious villains were apprehended the Earl 
 of S spoke half an hour in his own defence. 
 
 Lady A. M. S has engaged to eat a leg of mutton and turnips at 
 
 one sitting. 
 
 Yesterday a man was branded in the hand none are genuine but 
 those that have this mark. 
 
 On Friday, a man was whipped at the cart's tail ceremony was per- 
 formed by his Grace the Archbishop of York. 
 
 Yesterday, a chimney-sweeper's boy, under seven years attended 
 & Cabinet Council in Downing street. 
 
 Yesterday, the five condemned malefactors appeared in court with 
 the collars of their respective orders. 
 
 This morning Lady D was delivered of a prince to be continued 
 
 annually. 
 
 Yesterday, being the last day of term the villains made off, after 
 doing all the mischief, and escaped. 
 
 The most audacious robberies are daily committed by his Majesty's 
 royal letters patent. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 167 
 
 THE FIRST OF APRIL. 
 Or Arte perire sua> 
 
 8 A.M. Looked out of bed-room window into Gracechurch-street, 
 and called * Sweep' to a boy with a soot-bag 1 . Saw him stop, look 
 about him at the corner of White Hart-court, and then walk on. 
 Halted him three times in the same way. Tried a fourth, and popped 
 my head out at the wrong- moment. Boy, in a great passion, threw a 
 turnip, which broke me a half-crown pane, and woke my wife. Swore 
 I knew nothing about it, and sneaked down to breakfast. 
 
 9 A. M. Went to table-drawer and slily pocketed three lumps of 
 alabaster. Returned and took my seat at breakfast-table, as if nothing 
 had happened. Put alabaster at top of blue sugar bason, and, to my 
 great delight, saw Kitty put one into each of the children's cups. 
 Children hammered and pushed and wondered sugar would not melt. 
 Thought I should have died : three of my best silver tea-spoons bent 
 as crooked as rams' horns. Very demure when Mrs. Gander came 
 down to breakfast. Never attack wife (harpooners have some reason 
 for not meddling- with a certain species of whale, as being too fierce.) 
 So says Guthrie's Grammar. 
 
 10 A. M. Went behind counter to serve. Asked Jack Mitten, my 
 foreman, if any body had blacked his face. Jack answered, * iiot to 
 my knowledge,' and went to looking-glass. I replied, * nor to mine 
 either.' Laughed very much, but Jack did not see much in it. 
 
 1 1 A. M. Saw Jack Mitten serving- a lady with a red elastic purse, 
 at the other counter. Took up a newspaper and read loud enough for 
 her to hear, * Dreadful depravity! an Irish fruit-woman in Dyot-street, 
 St. Giles's, scraped her child to death with an oyster-shell.' Lady 
 screamed and went into hysterics. Gave her a glass of water, and told 
 her * it was a shame that oyster-shells were suffered to lie about the 
 streets.' Thought I should never have done laughing-. 
 
 12. Sent Molly to Spa-fields to see a live radical. Told her to buy 
 me a straight hook in her way home, at Peter Pull-gill's in Crooked- 
 lane. Told her I should also want a glass ink-horn ; and that a male 
 Mermaid was expected tj swim down Fish-street-hill at two. Wife 
 overheard, and called me an old fool. Did not see much in it, but 
 Molly laughed. 
 
 1 p. M. Asked Jack Mitten who was the father of the sons of Noah ; 
 where Moses was when the candle was blown out ; and which was most, 
 half-a-dozen dozen, or six dozen dozen. The poor fellow could not 
 answer one of them. 
 
 3 P. M. Took a walk over London bridge to Horsemonger-lane ses- 
 sions. Looked over sessions-paper, and saw indictment, the King a- 
 g'ainst O'Bludgeon, about thirty off. Went into front yard, and bawled 
 out, * the King against O'Bludgeon is just called on.' Such a rush of 
 Barristers, bar-keepers, and witnesses into court ! Two apple-barrows 
 upset, and a barristers' wig trampled under foot. Roared out * April 
 fools.' Dodged off through Guy's Hospital, and walked homeward 
 
168 MEEEY 
 
 chuckling-. Halted on London-bridge. Tide running up. Looked 
 through balustrades towards Custom-house: clasped my hands in 
 agony, exclaimed, * They'll every one of them be drowned.' and ran 
 across to look through balustrades on opposite side. Mob in a fever: 
 all traffic at a stand-still: hundreds of necks craned out to peep at 
 the sufferers. Bawled out * April fools,' and dodged round one of 
 Meux's drays. 
 
 4 p. M. Dinner. Asked Jack Mitten to take a glsss of sherry, and 
 poked vinegar-cruet into his paw. Made him sputter out liquid, like 
 lion's head at Aldgate pump. Swore it was all his own doing, and for 
 once in a way got believed. Told wife I had been at Batson's ; was 
 asked by her what news? Answered the French had taken umbrage. 
 More fools the Spaniards, replied Mrs. Gander, for not fortifying it 
 better. 
 
 5 P. M. Polite note from Lawyer Lynx, telling me that hoaxing an 
 attorney was felony at common law, and that he meant to indict me 
 at the ensuing Old Bailey sessions, unless I paid the costs in Dobbs v. 
 Shuffle, according to inclosed account. Perused bill: * Attending 
 plaintiff by appointment, when he asked me how I did, six and eight- 
 pence : attending, answering him, pretty middling, six and eightpence. 
 &c. &c : total five pound eighteen.' Cursed all pettifoggers, and 
 gave bearer a check for the amount. 
 
 11. P. M. Bed candles. One made by me, consisting of a round 
 pole of cut turnip, tipped with charcoal, unluckily selected by my wife. 
 Much poking with snuffers before trick detected. Glance of ven- 
 geance; exitwife up stairs, husband following. 
 
 12 p. M. Listened to curtain lecture fifty-nine minutes, and then 
 fell asleep. 
 
 ROMANCE OF ADVERTISEMENT. 'I wish, mister, you'd be so 
 good as to stop the press and put this in a good place (rea<U): 
 4 Hemily, Don't delay, but return to your broken-arted Adolplms, 
 or there's no knowing what may be the consequence !" 
 
 A CLERK'S BLUNDER. A parson reading the first or so of a 
 chapter of the bible, the clerk by some mistake or other read it 
 after him. The parson read as follows : 
 
 Moses was an austere man, and made atonement for the sins of 
 his people. 
 
 The clerk misunderstanding him, spoke thus: 
 
 Moses was an oyster-man and made ointment forthes/tmsoflas 
 people. 
 
 AN IRISHMAN'S DESCRIPTION OF MAKING A CANNON. Take 
 a long hole, and pour brass round it. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 1GQ 
 
 EISING GENIUSES IN AMERICA. Scene in a School-room. % 
 Master. 'Fuss class 'n jegrafee !' Scholars. 'Yeth'er/ Mas- 
 ter. 'Tummas, what's the biggest river in Ameriky ?' 'The 
 Tombigbee, zar : Ike keeps a pinchin' on me.' ' Take yer seats ; 
 fuss class in parsin'!' 'Yeth'er.' * Moses, parse 'Arkansas' 
 sixth line from the top.' ' A-r-k ark, a-n-s arkans, a-s ass, Arkan- 
 sas.' ' Pronounce it Arkansaw ; but, Moses, you ain't spellin' 
 yer parsin', child.' ' O, yeth'er, Harkandsaw is a noun, object! v* 
 case, indicativ' mood, coinparativ' degree, third and in nominative 
 case to scissars.' 'You haven't said what gender, Moses/ 'Femi- 
 nine gender.' 'Why ?' ' Corzitz ' 4 Nexi !' ' Donno.' ' Next .' 
 ' Corzitz a female/ 'Next!' ' Forgotten, zar.' 'Come, David, 
 you know?' 'Yeth'er/ 'Well, why is Arkansas of the feminine 
 gender, David ?' 'Corzitz, why corzitz got Miss Soury on the 
 north, Louisa Anna on the souf, Mrs. Sippy on the east, and ever 
 so many more she-females on the west/ 'Very well, David, you 
 may go the head ; you're a rising genius, and '11 make a man be- 
 fore yer mother/ ' Yeth'er/ 
 
 A DIFFICULT QUESTION. 
 
 CLODPOLE, as sleeping in his cart he lay, 
 Some waggish pilferers stole his team away ; 
 He waking cries, ' Why, how now, what ! 
 Why be I clod, or be I not? 
 If he, I've itst six geldings, to my smart, 
 If not, oddsboddikins, I've found a cart." 
 
 ROUNDABOUT EVIDENCE. Mother Hopkins told me, that she 
 lieard Green's wife say, that John Glarrie's wife told her, that 
 granny Hopkins heard the widow Basham say, that Captain 
 Weed's wife thought Colonel Hodkin's wife believed that old Miss 
 Lamb reckoned that Samuel Dunham's wife had told Spalding's 
 wife that she heard John Friuks say, that her mother told her, old 
 Miss Jinks heard granny Cook say, that it was a matter of fact ! ! 
 
 MODESTY. An Irishwoman once called upon an apothecary 
 with a sick infant, when the apothecary gave her some powder, of 
 which he ordered as much as would lie on a sixpence to be given 
 every morning; the woman replied, 'perhaps your honour would 
 lend me a sixpence the while, as I havn'nt got one at all.' 
 
170 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A CERTAIN lawyer bad his portrait taken in his favourite atti- 
 tude standing with one hand in his pocket. His friends and cli- 
 ents all went to see it, and everybody exclaimed, ' Oh, how like ! it's 
 the very picture of him !' An old farmer only dissented l 'Taint 
 like!* Everybody exclaimed, l Just show us wherein 'taint like.' 
 * 'Taint no, 'taint!' responded the farmer. ' Dont you see, 
 he has got his hand in his own pocket ; l twould be as like again if 
 he had it in somebody else's.' 
 
 ' The summer is no time to try the strength of affection/ said 
 Mrs. Partington ; 'though it is pretty well to sing love songs be- 
 nejith a window at midnight in a rain storm, or stand billing and 
 cooing on the door step till two o'clock in the morning. The win- 
 ter season is the time. Many's the time my poor Paul has rid five 
 miles to see me, the coldest weather ; and often the dear cretur has 
 been found in the morning fast asleep in the middle of the cow- 
 yard, with the saddle on his own shoulders, from fatigue of courting 
 rne and riding a hard trotting horse. There was devotion. I 
 never see a cow without thinking of poor Paul; and saying which 
 the old lady hobbled to bed. 
 
 A RHYMING RASCAL. In a city well known to every-body (if 
 they can find out the name,) a poetical genius was hauled up be- 
 fore a magistrate for kissing a girl, and kicking up a dust, and 
 the following dialogue ensued: 
 
 Magistrate Is your name John Jay? 
 
 Prisoner Yes your honour, so the people say. 
 
 Magistrate Was it you that kissed the girl, and raised the 
 alarm? 
 
 Prisoner Yes your honour, but I thought it was no harm. 
 
 Magistrate You rascal! did you come here to make rhymes? 
 
 Prisoner No, your honour, but it will happen sometimes. 
 
 Magistrate Be off, you scamp ! get out of my sight. 
 
 Prisoner Thank'e, your honour ; then I'll bid you good night. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN passing through Fleet market, was surprised at 
 being hailed from the well-known college by a friend, who was in 
 durance vile. ' Ah! Tom, why come you there?' asked the gen- 
 tleman. ' Oh, a very rascally piece of business; I am imprisoned 
 for telling a lie.' ' For telling a lie: impossible! there must he 
 some mistake. No it's true enough, I promised to pay my 
 tailor's bill and I didn't/ 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 171 
 
 THE FARMER AND THE COUNSELLOR 
 
 A Counsel in the Common Pleas, 
 
 Who was esteem'd a mighty wit, 
 
 Upon the strength of a chance hit 
 Amid a thousand flippancies 
 
 And his occasional bad jokes 
 
 In bullying 1 , bantering-, brow-beating 1 , 
 
 Ridiculing 1 and maltreating, 
 Women or other timid folks, 
 In a lute cause resolved to hoax 
 A clownish Yorkshire farmer one, 
 
 Who by his uncouth look and gait, 
 
 Appear'd expressly meant by Fate 
 For being quizz'cl and play'd upon. 
 So having tipp d the wink to those in the bsick rows, 
 Who kept their laughter bottled down 
 
 Until our wag should draw the cork, 
 He smiled jocosely on the clown, and went to work, 
 
 * Well, Fanner Numscull, how go calves at York !' 
 
 ' Why not, sir, as they do wi' you, 
 
 But on four legs, instead of two.* 
 'Officer !' cried the legal elf, 
 Piqued at the laugh against himself, 
 *Do pray keep silence down below there. 
 Now look at me, clown attend, 
 Have I not seen you somewhere, friend ?* 
 'Yees very like I often go there.' 
 ' Our rustic's waggish quite laconic,' 
 The counsel cried, with grim sardonic; 
 *I wish I'd known this prodigy, 
 This genius of the clods, when I 
 
 On circuit was at York residing, 
 Now, farmer, do for once speak true, 
 Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you 
 Who doubtless think yourself so clever, 
 Are there as many foois as ever in the West Riding?' 
 * Why no, sir, no ; we've got our share, 
 But not so many as when you were there. 
 
 A Clergyman being indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent 
 his servant to see what hour it was by a sun dial, which was fas- 
 tened to a post in the garden. The servant went there, hut being 
 at a loss how to find it out, thought that the shortest way was, to 
 pluck up the post ; which he accordingly did, and carried it to his 
 master, with the sun dial ; saying to him, ' bless me, Sir, look to 
 it yourself, it is indeed all a mystery to me/ 
 
172 MEEltY COMPANION. 
 
 DELIGHT-GIVERS. 
 
 A MERRY PLACE. ' Which, my dear lady, do you think the mer- 
 riest place in the world?' * That immediatley above the atmosphere 
 that surrounds the earth, I should think.' * And why so?' * Because 
 I am told that there all bodies lose their gravity* 
 
 A MAN in California, under sentence of death by hanging 1 , asked 
 the Sheriff the evening- previous to his execution ' I say, Sheriff, what 
 hour is that little affair of mine to come off?' 
 
 WHERE is THE KNAVE. Sheridan was one day much annoyed by 
 a fellow-member of the House of Commons who kept crying- out every 
 few minutes, ' Hear, hear.' During- the debate he took occasion to de- 
 scribe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only 
 sense enough to act fool. * Where,' exclaimed he, with great empha- 
 sis, ' where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool 
 than he?' ' Hear .' hear V was shouted by the troublesome member. 
 Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, 
 sat down amid a general roar of laughter. 
 
 FIVE FROM FIVE. A class of very small boys and girls, in a certain 
 school-room, were reciting- a lesson in arithmetic. It was about their 
 first lesson. * Five from five leaves how many ?' asked the teacher of 
 a little girl of some six years of age. After a moment's reflection, she 
 answered, * Five.' 4 How do you make that out?' said the teacher. 
 Holding- her little hands out towards him, she said, * Here are five fin- 
 gers on my right hand, and here are five on the other. Now, if I take 
 the five fingers on my left hand away from the five on my right, won't 
 five remain?' The teacher was, as they say in America, 'stumped,' 
 and was obliged to ' knock under.' 
 
 A CHAUKER. It's sed at a publican naws better hah ta figure than 
 onnyboddy else ; an so he duz, for if he trusts a man a pint or two ov 
 ale, he chauks him up a score. 
 
 A MAN OF PEACE. A Quaker said to a gunner : * Friend, I counsel 
 no bloodshed ; but if it be thy design to hit the little man in the blue 
 jacket, point thine engine three inches lower.' 
 
 It is not a little singular that the letters that spell debt are the initi- 
 als of the sentance, ' Dun Every Body Twice ;' and the letters which 
 spell credit are the initials of the eentance, ; Call Regularly Every Day 
 I'll Trust.' 
 
 MEEKNESS. A boy was asked what meekness was. He thought a 
 moment, and said * Meekness gives smooth answers to rouyh ques- 
 tions.' 
 
 ' I say,' cried a fashionable youth to an old usurer, ' the ready is 
 needful.' * Yes,' said the other, ' but the needful is'n't ready.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 173 
 
 A REGULAR * STICK.' C. was a cute * Down-Easter' a real 
 live Yankee always ready for a joke, and hard to beat. He was 
 one day in a country bar-room 'down South,' where several per- 
 sons were assembled, when one of them said : 
 
 'Mr. C., if you go out and stick your pen-knife into any thing, 
 when you come back I'll tell you what it's sticking in.' 
 
 ' Yer can't do no such a thing,' responded C. 
 
 Til bet ten dollars of it,' said the other. 
 
 'Wall, I rayther guess I'll take that ere bet; here, capting, 
 (turning to the landlord,) hold stakes, and I'll e'en jest make half 
 a saw-horse in less than no time.' 
 
 The parties deposited the cash, and C. went on his mission, but 
 in a short time returned, saying 'Wall, nabor, what is it stickin* 
 in ?' ' In the handle,' replied the Southerner, as he reached out 
 liis hand for the stakes. 
 
 'Guess not; jest wait a while,' said the Yankee, as he held up 
 the handle of his knife, minus the blade. 'I kalkilate the blade 
 can't be in the handle, when it's driv clean up in a old stump 
 aside of yer road out thai'.' 
 
 Jonathan of course won the wager, and the Southerner sloped 
 to parts unknown, amid roars of laughter. 
 
 TIGER DUFF, 
 
 LIEUTENANT DUFF of the Honourable East India Company's Ser- 
 vice, was dining with some brother officers a few miles from Bengal ; 
 while in the height of pleasure and mirth they were interrupted by an 
 immense tiger, who Springing among them seized Mr. Duff by the leg, 
 and throwing him across his shoulders, made off with the rapidity of 
 lightning. The transaction was so instantaneous that long before his 
 companions recovered their consternation, Duff was borne from their 
 eight. 
 
 On consulting together, they agreed to take their pieces and proceed 
 in search cf their unfortunate comrade, tracking him by the progress 
 of his destroyer through the fern and bushes. In the meanwhile Mr. 
 Duff was carried at that rapid rate for near half a mile, when the tiger 
 began to relax in his progress and proceed much more leisurely. As 
 they went along they came to a piece of wood that had been used as M 
 wedge, Duff snatched it up, for at that moment an idea seized him that 
 with it he might conquer his foe. They had gone a little farther when 
 the soldier cautiously extending his hands with their united strength, 
 dashed the wedge into the tiger's mouth, and succeeded in driving- it 
 so far in that he could see the animal's tongue. The tiger howled and 
 raged most fearfully, but Mr. Duff aware that this was his only hope 
 of life and liberty was equally desperate; at length the tiger mad with 
 
174 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 pain and rage relinquished his opponent's leg 1 , and he sprung from his 
 back. It was now a most appalling- crisis, for Duff had urged the wedge 
 in and seized the animal's tongue; his howls and cries of pain were 
 dreadful, and was heard by Mr. Duffs companions, who were unable 
 to guess the reason. At length, with a last and desperate effort, the 
 lieutenant tore out his antagonist's tongue by the root, and then, though 
 exhausted and almost breathless, he took his pen-knife out and suc- 
 ceeded in stabbing the tiger to his heart. Shortly after his companions 
 came up, and were struck with horror and surprise at beholding Duff 
 apparently dead deluged with blood, and the tiger lying by stretched 
 out at length with the wooden wedge upright in his mouth. 
 
 They made a litter of boughs for him and bore him to the next In- 
 dian village, where they procured medical aid, and he shortly after re- 
 covered from his wounds and scratches, and was always afterwards de- 
 nominated * Tiger Duff.' His friends went and skinned the tiger, and 
 then having had the spotted covering beautifully dressed, presented it to 
 him as the strongest instance of their admiration .'it his courage. 
 
 Duff was killed on the continent a few years after, when he hacl at- 
 tained to the rank of colonel. 
 
 WAIFS AND STRAYS. 
 
 The prettiest lining for a bonnet is a sweet face. 
 
 Blushes are flying colours, which maidens carry becomingly. 
 
 In love, the heart is the pupil of the eye. 
 
 If a man waits patiently while a woman is * putting her thing's on,' 
 or * shopping,' he will :nake a good husband. 
 
 Marriage always begins, and sometimes ends in a ' union* (work- 
 house.) 
 
 The bride's orange blossom often bears bitter fruit. 
 
 Don't reckon too much on the honeymoon ; it may prove all moon- 
 shine. 
 
 Royal lovers exchange portraits; their simple subjects, hearts. 
 
 Flattery is more dangerous masked then barefaced. 
 
 The heart that beats for no woman, is a niche without an image. 
 
 There is no man so deep but that he has a shallow place. 
 
 She that marries a man because he is * a good match,' must not be 
 surprised if he turn out ' Lucifer.* 
 
 Misfortune's a filter which separates sincere friends from the scum. 
 
 When a woman makes you a pair of slippers, you have put your foot 
 in it. 
 
 Kisses are like grains of gold or silver found upon the ground, of 
 no value themselves, but precious as showing that a mine is near. 
 
 MARRIAGE. Marriage between persons of the same age is an insti- 
 tution of God. Marriage between an old man arid a young woman is 
 an institution of man. Marriage between ail old woman and a young 
 man is an institution of the devil. 
 
COMPANION. 175 
 
 COURTSHIP OF A BASHFULCLERGYMAN. The Rev. John Brown, 
 of Haddington, the well-known author of the Self Interpreting 
 Bible, was a man of singular bashfulness. In token of the truth 
 of this statement, it need only be stated that his courtship lasted 
 seven years. Six years and a halt' had passed away, and the reve- 
 rend gentleman had got no further forward than he had been the 
 first six days. This state of things became intolerable. A step 
 in advance must be made, and Mr. Brown summoned all his 
 courage for the deed. 4 Janet,' said he, as they sat in solemn si- 
 lence, 'we've been acquainted now for sax years an* mair, and I've 
 ne'er gotten a kiss yet. D'ye think I might tak yan, my bonnie 
 girl ?' 'Just as you like, John ; only be becoming and proper wi* 
 it.' 'Surely, Janet, we'll ask a blessing/ The blessing was asked, 
 the kiss was taken, and the worthy divine, perfectly overpowered 
 with the blissful sensation, most rapturously exclaimed, 'O! wo- 
 man, but it is gude. We'll return thanks.' Six months made 
 the pious couple man and wife ; and, added his descendant, who 
 humorously told the tale, a happier couple never spent a long and 
 useful life together. 
 
 PRESIDENTIAL ANECDOTE. During the American President's 
 stay at Pittsburgh, the ladies paid their respects to him at the 
 Monongahela House. A gentleman introduced a very pretty girl, 
 but added, playfully, 'She is a democrat, general.' The old gen- 
 tleman kissed her on both cheeks, adding, with great glee, ' I always 
 kiss the democratic ladies twice there are so few of them. Why, 
 had it not been for ladies, I should not have been where I am. 
 I owe my success to them.' ' General,' said a gentleman standing 
 by, ' I wish you would appoint me chairman of the kissing commit- 
 tee.' ' Colonel,' replied he, don't you know the old saying if we 
 \vant a thing done, we send our man to do it; but if we want it 
 well done, we do it ourselves.' 
 
 KIEN Long, Emperor of China, inquired of Sir G. Staunton, 
 the manner in which physicians were paid in England ; when 
 after some difficulty, his Majesty was made to comprehend the 
 system, he exclaimed, ' Is any man well in England that can 
 a fiord to be ill ? Now I will inform you how I manage my physi- 
 cians; I have four to whom the care of my health is committed; 
 a certain weekly salary is allowed them ; but the moment I am ill, 
 their salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you 
 iny illnesses are very short/ 
 
176 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 THREE WONDERS OF WOMEN. The daughter of a respectable 
 gentleman, aged twenty, and possessed of no small share of perso- 
 nal attraction, said the other day, 4 She wonder* d why she had not 
 got married.' This put us in mind of the three wonders of beau- 
 tiful women. First, at fifteen they wonder who they shall take ; 
 second, at twenty-five they wonder why they are not taken ; and 
 third, at thirty-five they wonder who they can find that will take 
 them. 
 
 Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his 78th year, having observed to 
 Lord Mansfield, in his 87th, ' Your lordship and myself are now 
 at sevens and eights;' the younger chief replied, 'Would you 
 have us be always at sixes and sevens ?' 
 
 WHAT IS LOVE. 
 
 OH ! what is love I prithee tell 
 Say, gives it pain or pleasure? 
 
 This much I know alas ! to well- 
 Hearts can't be bought with treasure 
 
 Oh ! yes the treasure of the mind 
 
 Is richer far than gold ; 
 Pure sentiments, and thought refined, 
 
 These chains my heart would hold. 
 
 SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS. The day before yesterday a per- 
 son dropped down in an appoplectic fit, immediately in front of 
 the Municipal Guard and was immediately carried into the guard- 
 house. In a minute after, a woman forced her way in through 
 the crowd gathered round the door, exclaiming 'My husband! 
 my poor husband! Clear the way, and let in the air.' She then 
 busied herself by taking off the man's cravat, and performing 
 other little offices about his person till a surgeon arrived and bled 
 the patient, who gradually recovered his senses. On this the offi- 
 cer of the guard observed that it was a happy relief for his distres- 
 sed wife as well as himself. 'My wife !' exclaimed the man, 'why, 
 1 am a bachelor/ 'She may be your mistress, then, for she wept 
 bitterly/ On seeking for her, however, it was found that she had 
 disappeared, and with her the watch and purse of the patient, 
 which she had adroitly abstracted, under the very eyes of the 
 guard. 
 
HE1UIY COMPANION. 177 
 
 SCRAPS OF THE LIVELY. 
 
 MOORE in his Diary, mentions an anecdote told by Croker, as 
 one of the happiest things he ever heard. Fenelon, who had often 
 teased Richelieu ineffectually for charitable subscriptions, was one 
 day telling him that he had just seen his picture. ' And did you 
 ask it for a subscription?' said Richelieu sneerin^ly. 'No, I saw 
 there was no chance,' said Fenelon, ' it was so like you.' 
 
 A SAGE was asked, ' Which is the best time to dine?' He re- 
 plied, * For the rich man, when he is hungry ; for the poor, when 
 he can get it." 
 
 'I wonder,' says a woman of humour, 'why my husband and 
 I quarrel so often, for we agree uniformly in one point he wishes 
 to be master, and so do I.' 
 
 Milton was asked by a friend, if he would instruct his daughters 
 in the different languages; to which he replied, 'No, sir, one 
 tongue is sufficient for a woman.' 
 
 The Germans call a thimble a finger-hat, and a glove a hand- 
 shoe. 
 
 ' This can't be beat,' (beet) as the farmer said when he pulled 
 up a large carrot. 
 
 What word may be pronounced quicker by adding a syllable to 
 it? Quick. 
 
 Which is the pleasantest county in England during winter ? 
 BEDS. 
 
 'Ah! you don't know what muthical enthuthiathm ith/ said a 
 music-mad miss to Tom Hood. ' Excuse me, madam/ replied 
 the wit, 'but I do. Musical enthusiasm is like turtle-soup: for 
 every quart of real, there are niuty nine gallons of inock, and 
 calves'-head in proportion/ 
 
 Mrs. Partington came into the room in a state of great excite- 
 ment. ' Do you know,' said she, ' they have found another of these 
 coa/itions? Well, I declare it is too bad. The price of coals will 
 be up to I don't know what.' 
 
 The principal of an academy, in his advertisement, mentioned 
 his female assistant, and the ' reputation for teaching which she 
 bears;' but the printer careless fellow left out the 'which/ so 
 the advertisement went forth commending the lady's reputation for 
 4 teaching she-bears.' 
 
 L 
 
178 MERRY COMPANION". 
 
 BE?* JOHNSON. The following- anecdote of this immortal poet is so 
 little known that it deserves to be inserted here. Lord Craven once in- 
 vited him to dine at his house. At the appointed time, Ben trudi-t <l 
 off in his usual poor clothes, patched all over, and knocked at his lord- 
 ship's door. The astonished porter scratched his head, and before lit- 
 conducted the stranger in, sent to inform Lord Craven that a shabby 
 clod-hopper, who called himself Ben Johnson, desired to see him. Hit 
 lordship flew to the door to welcome the poet, and started back in sur- 
 prise when he saw such an odd figure, * j'ou Ben Johnson,' said lu j , 
 4 you Ben Johnson, indeed! shouldn't care for your clothes, but your 
 face, zounds, you couldn't say bo to a goose.' * Bo/ said Ben. Ilta 
 lordship burst into a hearty laugh, and satisfied by the joke of the per- 
 sonal identity of his famous guest, conducted him in. 
 
 THE SAILOR AND THE ACTRESS. 
 
 ' When I was a poor girl/ said the Duchess of St. Albany 
 'working very hard for my thirty shillings a- week, I went down to 
 Liverpool during my holidays, where I was always well received. 
 I was to perform in a new piece, something like those pretty little 
 affecting dramas they get up now at our minor theatres, and in 
 my character I represented a poor friendless orphan girl, reduced 
 to the most wretched poverty. A heartless tradesman prosecutes 
 the sad heroine for a heavy" debt, and insists on putting her in 
 prison unless some one will he bail for her. The girl replies, ' Then 
 I have no hope ; I have not a friend in the world.' 4 What ! will 
 no one be bail for you, to save you from going to prison ?' asked 
 the stern creditor. ' I have told you I have not a friend on earth,' 
 was the reply ; but just as I was uttering the words, I saw a sailor 
 in the upper gallery springing over the railing, letting himself 
 down from one tier to another, until he bounded clear over the 
 orchestra and footlights and placed himself beside me in a moment. 
 * Yes, you shall have one friend, at least, my poor young woman,' 
 said he, with the greatest expression in his honest, sun-burnt coun- 
 tenance, ' I will go bail for you to any amount. And as for you,' 
 turning to the frightened actor, * if you don't hear a hand and shift 
 your moorings, you lubber, it will be worse for you when I get 
 athwart your hows/ Every creature in the house rose ; the uproar 
 was indescribable peals of laughter, screams of terror, cheers 
 from his tawny messmates in the gallery, preparatory scrapings of 
 violins from the orchestra, and amidst the universal din there stood 
 the unconscious cause of it, sheltering me, and breathing defiance 
 and destruction against my mimic prosecutor. He was only per- 
 suaded to relinquish his care of me by the manager pretending to 
 arrive and rescue me with a profusion of theatrical bank notes.' 
 
ME BUT COMPANION. 179 
 
 A DIALOGUE. * Look here, Sambo, you got dat quarter dollar 
 you owes me ?' Sambo : 4 La ! Cuff, no ; money so scarce, so many 
 stopperages in Mobile, there ain't no money in circumlation.' 
 Cuff: ' O sho, Sambo, what de nashun you got to do with Mobile ? 
 Nigger, pay up ! pay up !' Sambo : ' Well, look here Cuff, me 
 hear massa tell more dan twenty men dat same tale ; and I ain't 
 see no gentleman treat him like you me. Act like a gentleman if 
 you is a niggar/ 
 
 CURE FOR THE GOUT. * The gout, sir,' said Mr. Weller,' the 
 gout is a complaint as arises from too much ease and comfort. If 
 ever you're attacked with the gout, sir, jist marry a widder as has 
 got a good loud woice, with a decent notion of usin* it, and you'll 
 never have the gout again. It's a capital prescription, sir. I 
 takes it reg'lar, and I can warrant it to drive away any illness as 
 is caused by too much jollity.* Having imparted this valuable 
 secret. Mr. Welier drained his glass once more, produced a la- 
 boured wink, sighed deeply, and slowly retired. ' Well, what do 
 you think of what your father says, Sam ?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, 
 with a smile. * Think, sir!' replied Mr. Weller; 'why, I think 
 he's the vvictim o' connubiality, as Blue Beard's domestic chaplain 
 said, with a tear of pity, vhen he buried him/ 
 
 VERY LIKELY. The late Mr. Isaac Slocum,of S coun., post- 
 master of that place, formerly of Boston, was distinguished for his 
 wonderous alienation of mind, which was a source of great annoy- 
 ance to him. In addition to holding an egg in his hand, and boil- 
 ing his watch for five minutes, and many others, the last instance 
 of his absence of mind is supposed to have been the cause of his 
 death. One night he retired to his chamber, and after undressing 
 placed his pantaloons carefully between the sheets, and threw him- 
 self across the back of a chair, in which situation he was exposed 
 during the night. American paper. 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY CROW. A native of Kentucky imitates the 
 crowing of a cock so remarkably well, that the sun, upon several 
 occasions, has risen two hours earlier by mistake. 
 
 * WELL Pat, Jim didn't quite kill you with that bwckbat, did he?' 
 ' No ; but I wish he had.' ' What for ?' ' So 1 could a seen him 
 hung, the villain !' 
 
180 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A QUACK'S THEORY. Jaundice proceeds from many myriads 
 of little flies of a yellow colour, which fly about the system. Now, 
 to cure this, I make the patient take a certain quantity of the ova 
 or eggs of spiders. These eggs when taken into the stomach, by 
 the warmth of that organ, vivify, and being vivified, of course they 
 immediately proceed to catch the flies ; thus the disease is cured, 
 and I then send the patient down to the sea-side, to wash all the 
 cobwebs out of the system. 
 
 THE LOVER'S WREATH. 
 
 WITH tender vine-leaves wreathe thy brow, 
 
 And I shall fancy that I see, 
 In the brig'ht eye that laughs below, 
 The dark grape on its parent tree. 
 'Tis but a whim but, oh ! entwine 
 Thy brow with this green wreath of mine. 
 
 Weave of the clover-leaves a wreath, 
 
 Fresh sparkling- with a summer-shower, 
 And I shall, in my fair one's breath, 
 Find the soft fragrance of the flower. 
 'Tis but a whim but, oh ! do thou 
 Twine the dark leaves around thy brow. 
 
 Oh, let sweet-leaved geranium be 
 
 Entwined amidst thy clustering- hair, 
 Whilst thy red lips shall paint to me, 
 How bright its scarlet blossoms are. 
 'Tis but a whim but, oh ! do thou 
 Crown with that wreath thy blushing brow. 
 
 Oh, twine young rose-leaves round thy head, 
 And I shall dream the flowers are there, 
 The red rose on thy rich cheek spread, 
 The white upon thy forehead fair. 
 'Tis but a whim but, oh ! entwine 
 My wreath round that dear brow of thine. 
 
 AN Irishman, on seeing an acquaintance reading, exclaimed, ' Arrah, 
 honey ! an' whose the arther o' that work?' * Fait, my jewel, an' how 
 can I tell that same? * Why, my dear, look to the ind ori't, an' ye'll 
 see that.' ' 'Tis Finis !' rejoined the other, * A clever fellow, that said 
 Finis ; why, he's the arther of every book.' 
 
MERKY COMPANION. 181 
 
 A LANDLORD GRATIFIED. 
 
 A Yankee but whether he was a trader or not, I can't say stop- 
 ped at a tavern * away up north' in the State of New York, called for 
 fixins,' and after swallowing- a pretty considerable bill, retired. Mean- 
 while the landlord and interlopers were busily engaged in conversation. 
 By-and-bye, Yankees and Yankee tricks were discussed. The landlord 
 informed his bar-room company there was a live yankee in the house, 
 and if 'twere possible, he would have a trick or two out of him before 
 he left, while the aforesaid * hangers on' or * lingerers' were to be wit- 
 nesses. After a ' pleasant smile' all around at the landlord's expense, 
 they mizzled. 
 
 Next morning landlord and company were ready to snap at Mr. Yan- 
 kee as soon as he made his appearance. Breakfast being over, in walks 
 Jonathan, with an air peculiar to folks * deoun east,' paid his bill, and 
 was about to depart, when the landlord accosted him with, * You, it's 
 plain to be seen that you're a Yankee. Can or will you oblige us with 
 a trick or two 1 for I can assure you we are ready to be tricked if you 
 can do it.' 
 
 * Wall dunno 'bout that. Hev dun a few in my time, but dunno* 
 as I kill dew any thin' smart this mornin'.' 
 
 * Oh do. Let's have a trick,' exclaimed the eager crowd. 
 
 ' Wall, seen' it's yeou, I'll dew it jest to please you. But I swow 
 you nrusn't git mad.' 
 
 * Oh no, not at all,' says landlord. 
 
 * I'll go his security,' chimed in old Rumnose. 
 
 ' I reckon,' says Jonathan, * yew sell a prodigious sight of licker in 
 these parts, and good at that. Yeou have a pipe of wine in the cellar 
 eh ?' 
 
 1 Oh, yes, rale stuff, too, I tell you.' 
 
 'Wall,' says Jonathan, * come along all yeou that want to behold 
 the miracle performed ;' and down they went in the cellar. The said 
 pipe was pointed out. * Neow,' says the Yankee, * gentlemen, you see 
 that pipe of wine, dew you?' A nod of assent went the rounds of the 
 crowd. ' Wall, now, I kin take brandy out of one end and gin out of 
 tother.' 
 
 * Do it, and you can take my head for a football,' exclaimed the 
 landlord. 
 
 Jonathan coolly drew from his pocket a small gimlet and bored a 
 small hole in one end of the pipe, which hole the landlord was request- 
 ed to cover with his thumb. He did so, and soon a hole was bored in 
 * tother end.' Jonathan kept a sober phiz during the operation and 
 requested the landlord to stop the tother hole while he went after 
 somethin tew put the darned stuff in. The landlord complied with his 
 request, and, stretched across the pipe, resembled a man-of-war's man 
 about to receive a dozen with the cat. Jonathan meanwhile decamped, 
 he did. The landlord's back ached, and he began to think the Yan- 
 kee was a long time getting 1 vials to put the licker in. Soon the vials 
 
182 MERKY COMPANION. 
 
 of his wrath began to boil over, and words too deep for human ears 
 were struggling 1 for utterance, and he, holding- on, endeavoured to 
 keep the wine from leaking out. The hoax now began to leak from 
 the heads of the * outsiders.' By-and-bye one gave a laugh, and gues- 
 sed the landlord was done a leetle the brownest of anything he'd ever 
 seen ; and didn't the walls of the old cellar ring again with bursts of 
 laughter? Well, they did. 
 
 The landlord raved and swore almost he was a deacon in the church ! 
 and at last he broke forth with, * Dog my etarnal cats, if I hain't a 
 been tricked by that confounded Yankee.' 
 
 He tried to get some one of the crowd to supply his place, but old 
 Rumnose 'never let a good opportunity slip;' he thought 'twould be 
 well, inasmuch as the landlord had allowed himself to be tricked by- 
 Mr. Yankee Doodle, that he (the landlord) should treat all hands, 
 which the landlord did, and was released from his tiresome position, 
 after losing his patience and some of his wine. 
 
 CROMWELL 
 
 After the battle of Marston, Cromwell, returning from the pur- 
 suit of a party of the royalists, purposed to stop at Bipley ; and, 
 having an officer in his troop, a relation of Sir William Ingilby's, 
 that gentleman was sent to announce his arrival. The officer was 
 informed, by the porter at the gate, that Sir William was absent, 
 but that he might send any message he pleased to his lady. 
 Having sent in his name, and obtained an audience, he was ans- 
 wered by the lady that no such person should be admitted there ; 
 adding, she had force enough to defend herself and that house 
 against all rebels. The officer, on his part, represented the ex- 
 treme folly of making any resistance, and that the safest way would 
 be to admit the general peaceably. After much persuasion, the 
 lady took the advice of her kinsman, and received Cromwell at the 
 gate of the lodge, with a pair of pistols stuck in her apron-strings, 
 and having told him she expected that neither he nor his soldiers 
 would behave improperly, led the way to the hall, where, silting 
 each on a sofa, these two extraordinary personages, equally jealous 
 of each other's intentions, passed the whole night. At his depar- 
 ture in the morning, the lady observed, ' It was well he had beha- 
 ved in so peaceable a manner ; for that, had it been otherwise, he 
 would not have left that house with his life. 1 
 
 A wit said that cold cheese is better than cold steel because it 
 is miyktie* than the sword. 
 
MEBRY COMPANION. 133 
 
 A SAD ALTERNATIVE 
 
 IN one of the border feuds of the Scottish lairds, during: the 
 reign of James VI., a young gentleman had the misfortune to he 
 taken prisoner hy his hereditary enemy. He was brought into 
 the castle, when the lady of his conqueror inquired of her husband 
 what he intended to do with his captive. " Hang him, dame," 
 said the laird, " as a robber." His lady, who was more considerate, 
 though less humane, advised him to compel the prisoner to marry 
 their youngest daughter, " with the meikle (large) mouth without 
 any tocher," (without any portion.) The laird consented, as the 
 daughter was blessed with so unpromising an exterior that there 
 was not the least chance of her finding a husband under any other 
 circumstances; and in fact, when the alternative of such a 
 marriage or death by the gallows was proposed to the prisoner, 
 he was for some time disposed to choose the latter, and no doubt 
 felt strongly tempted to exclaim, in the words of an old song 
 
 " Oh no," said he, " I'd rather gib, 
 Than to be tied to a woman's crib, 
 Drive on the cart, bold fellows.'* 
 
 He yielded at last to the instinct of self-preservation, and married 
 the daughter of his conqueror, and it is said that she proved to be 
 an excellent and affectionate wife ; though the unusual size of the 
 mouth, for which she was distinguished, was supposed to be dis- 
 cernible in her decendants through several generations. 
 
 IRISH BLUNDERS. 
 
 The following is a copy of a letter written during 1 the rebellion by 
 Sir , an Irish Member of Parliament, to his friend in London : 
 
 * MY DEAR SIR, Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit 
 down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and confusion we are in 
 from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, thank God ! killed 
 and dispersed. 
 
 4 We are in a pretty mess ; can get nothing to eat, nor any wine 
 to drink except whisky ; when we sit down to dinner, we are 
 obliged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this letter, I 
 hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded 
 from the beginning that this would be the end of it. and I see I 
 was right, for it is not half over yet. At present there are such 
 goings on that every thing is at a stand. 
 
 * I should have answered your letter a fortnight asro, but I only re- 
 ceived it this morning. Indeed hardly a mail arrives safe without 
 being robbed ; no longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails 
 from Dublin was robbed near this town: the bags had been judiciously 
 
MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 left behind for fear of accidents, and by good luck there was nobody in it 
 but two outside passengers, who had nothing 1 for the thieves to take. 
 
 'Last Thursday, notice was given that a gang of rebels was advan- 
 cing 1 here under the French standard ; but they had no colours, nor 
 any drums, except bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, 
 including women and boys, ran out to meet them. We soon found 
 our force much too little, and they were far too near for us to think 
 of retreating. Death was in every face ; but to it we went, and by 
 the time half our little party was killed we began to be all alive. 
 Fortunately the rebels had no guns but pistols, cutlasses, and 
 pikes : and as we had plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them 
 all to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were 
 drowned in an adjacent bog ; and in a very short time there was no- 
 thing to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all different co- 
 lours, but mostly green. After the action we went to rummage a 
 sort of camp they had left behind them ; all we found was a few pikes 
 without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of 
 blank French commissions filled up with Irishmen's names. 
 
 * Troops are now stationed everywhere round the country, which 
 exactly squares with my ideas. 
 
 * I have only leisure to add, that I am, in great haste, yours truly. 
 *P.S. If you don't receive this in course it must have miscarried : 
 
 therefore I beg you will immediately write to let me know.' 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Quoth Docter Squill of Bonder's End: 
 " Of all the patients I attend, 
 
 Whate't-r their aches or ails, 
 None ever will my fame attack,' 
 
 ' None ever can,' retorted Jack: 
 ' For dead men tell no tales.' 
 
 NEGROES' HEIR LOOM. Some years ago, the boiler-men ne- 
 groes on Huckenfield estate were overheard by the book-keeper 
 discoursing on this subject, (the superiority of the whites,) and 
 various opinions were given, till the question was thus set at rest 
 by an old African : 4 When God Almighty make de world, him 
 make two men, a nigger and a buckra ; and him give dem two 
 box, and him tell dem for make dem choice. Nigger, (nigger 
 greedy from time,) when him find one box heavy, him take it, and 
 buckra take t'other: when dem open de box, buckra see pen, ink, 
 and paper; nigger box full up with hoe and bill, and hoe and bill 
 for nigger till this day.' 
 
MERBT COMPANION". 
 POETICAL LOVE-LETTER. 
 
 185 
 
 The sweeper of New Haven Colleg-e, in New En^lnnd, latetly be- 
 coming a widower, conceived a violent passion for the relict of his de- 
 ceased Cambridge brother, which he expressed in the following- strain 
 
 MISTRESS A y, 
 
 To you I fly, 
 You only can relieve me ; 
 
 To you I turn, 
 
 For you I burn, 
 If you will but believe me. 
 
 Then, gentle dame, 
 
 Admit my flame, 
 And grant me my petition : 
 
 If you deny, 
 
 Alas ! I die 
 In pitiful condition. 
 
 Before the news 
 Of your poor spouse 
 
 Had reached our New Haven, 
 My dear wife died, 
 Who was my bride, 
 
 In anno eighty-seven. 
 
 Then being free, 
 
 Let's both agree 
 To join our hands for I do 
 
 Boldly aver 
 
 A widower 
 Is fittest for a widow. 
 
 You may be sure 
 
 'Tis not your dow'r 
 I make this flowing version ; 
 
 In those smooth lays 
 
 I only praise 
 The glories of your person. 
 
 For the whole that 
 Was left to Mat, 
 
 Fortune to me has granted 
 In equal store, 
 Nay, I have more, 
 
 What Mathew always wanted. 
 
 No teeth, 'tis true, 
 
 You have to shew 
 The young think teeth inviting 
 
 But, silly youths, 
 
 I love those mouths 
 Where there's no fear of biting. 
 
 A loaky eye, 
 
 That's never dry, 
 These woeful times is fitting ; 
 
 A wrinkled face 
 
 Adds solemn grace 
 To folks devout at meeting. 
 
 A furrow'd brow, 
 "Where corn might, grow 
 
 Such fertile soil is seen in't 
 A long hook nose, 
 Though scorn'd by foes, 
 
 For spectacles convenient. 
 
 Thus to go on, 
 
 I could pen down 
 Your charms from head to foot 
 
 Set all your glory 
 
 In verse before you, 
 But I've no mind to do't. 
 
 Then haste away, 
 
 And make no stay, 
 For soon as you come hither 
 
 We'll eat and sleep, 
 
 Make beds and sweep, 
 And talk and smoke together. 
 
 But if, my dear, 
 
 I must come there, 
 Tow'rd Cambridge strait I'll set me 
 
 To touze the hay 
 
 On which you lay, 
 If, madam, you will let me. 
 
1S6 MEEBT COMPANION. 
 
 MERRY-UNS. 
 
 Giving a woman a ring is a natural consequence of her giving 1 you a 
 li earing-. 
 
 The remains of a bachelor who * burst into tears* on reading a des- 
 cription of married life, have been found. 
 
 The other day an old lady rushed into the g-arden in search of her 
 daughter upon being- told that the young- lady had gone there with a 
 
 * rake.' 
 
 Mrs. Partington reading the death of a distinguished lawyer, who 
 who was stated to be the father of a bar, exclaimed 'Poor man! he 
 had a dreadful noisy set of children.' 
 
 If a man reap * whatsoever he sowethf what a harvest of coats and 
 breeches the tailors will have one of these days. 
 
 ' "Daddy, I want to ask you a question. Why is a gin-palace like a 
 bad shilling?' * I can't tell, my lad 1' * Because you can't pass it,' 
 said the boy. 
 
 A Dutchman being- called upon for a, toast, said, * Here ish to de he- 
 roes who fyth, pleed, and died mit the patties of Punker Hill of 
 whom I am one.' Drank standing. 
 
 The most interesting sig-ht is that of a young lady, with eyes like a 
 
 * g-azelle,' a voice like- a ' silver trumpet,' ' lips like rubies,' and * cheeks 
 that have stolen the carnation of the deathless rose,' with her mouth 
 full of gingerbread. 
 
 The following anagram on the well-know bibliographer, William 
 Oldys, may claim a place among' the first productions of this ci<tss. 
 It was written by Oldys himself, and found by his executors in one of 
 his manuscripts: 
 
 * In word and WILL I AM a friend to you, 
 And one friend OLD IS worth a hundred new.' 
 
 Mrs. Parting-ton having heard of men having a knit brow, and bc'r^ 
 a prodigy at knitting stockings, wants a little yarn, thinking' that t.he 
 can do something that way. 
 
 A little boy having been to a church where he had seen a man play- 
 an organ, on returning home said to his mother, * I wish you had be<-n 
 to church to-day to see the fun, a man pumping- music out of an oid 
 cupboard.' 
 
 A man asked celebrated balloonist what he would do for refresh- 
 ment in his aerial voyage, as there were no hotels. He instantly 
 replied he should have no occasion for them j he would stop at 
 some of the ' castles in the air.' 
 
MEEliY COMPANION. 187 
 
 ECCENTRIC CHARACTER. The Rev. Mr. Hagamore of Cats- 
 hoge, Leicestershire, was a very singular character. He died the 
 1st of January 1776, possessed of the following effects, viz. 700/. 
 per annum, and WOOL in money, which, as he died intestate, fell 
 to a ticket-porter in London. He kept one servant of each sex, 
 whom he locked up every night. His last employment of an 
 evening was to go round his premises, let loose his dogs, and fire 
 his gun. He lost his life as follows: Going one morning to let 
 out his servants, the dogs fawned upon him suddenly, and threw 
 him into a pond, where he was found dead. His servants heard 
 his call for assistance, but being locked up, they could not lend 
 him any. He had 30 gowns and cassocks, 100 pair of breeches, 
 100 pair of boots, 400 pair of shoes, 80 wigs, yet always wore his 
 own hair, 58 dogs, 80 waggons and carts, 80 ploughs, and used 
 none, 50 saddles, and furniture for the menage, 30 wheelbarrows, 
 so many walking-sticks, that a toyman in Leicester-fields offered 
 8/. for them, 60 horses and mares, 200 pickaxes, 200 spades and 
 shovels, 74 ladders, and 249 razors. 
 
 THE TWO SHERIDANS. 
 
 TOM SHERIDAN had a good voice, and true taste for music, which, 
 added to his intellectual qualities and superior accomplishments, caused 
 his society to be sought with the greatest avidity. 
 
 The two Sheridans were supping- with me one nig-ht after the opera, 
 at a period when Tom expected to get into Parliament. 
 
 * I think, father,' said he, * that many men who are called great 
 patriots in the House of Commons, are great humbugs. For my own 
 part, if I get into Parliament, I will pledge myself to no party, but 
 write upon my forehead, in legible characters, 'To be let." 
 
 * And under that, Tom,' said his father, write, 'Unfurnished." 
 Tom took the joke, but was even with him on another occasion. 
 Mr. Sheridan had a cottage about half a mile from Hounslow Heath. 
 
 Tom being- very short of cash, asked his father to let him have some. 
 
 * Money I have none,' was the reply. 
 
 ' Be the consequence what it may, money I must have,' paid Tom. 
 
 'If that be the case, my dear Tom,' said the affectionate parent, 
 'you will find a case of loaded pistols up stairs, and a horse ready sad- 
 dled in the stable the night is dark, and yon are within half a mile 
 of Hounslow Heath.' 
 
 'I understand what you mean,' said Tom, 'but I tried that last 
 nig-ht. I unluckily stopped Peake, your treasurer, who told me that 
 you had been beforehand with him, and had robbed him of every 
 tdxpence in the world.' 
 
188 3IEEET COMPANION. 
 
 NOTHING AT ALL 
 
 IN Derry Down Dale, when I wanted a mate, 
 
 I went wi' rny dad a courting: to Kate ; 
 
 Wi' a nose-gay so fine, and my holiday clothes, 
 
 My hands in my pockets, a courting I goes. 
 
 The weather was cold and my hosom WHS hot, 
 
 My heart on a gallop, fold meare on a trot, 
 
 IN aw 1 wur so uuainui anu luving \viumi, 
 
 My tongue stuck to my mouth ; I said nothing at all. 
 
 * Heigho !' ' Dang it/ says feyther, * what for doesn't thoti talk ; 
 one might as weel hae naebody wi* them as thee' ' Why,' says I, 
 ' I's sure, I talk'cl plenty as we com ower t'lang meadow.' 'Aye,' 
 says he, 'what about?' 'About,' says I, why about about 
 
 Nothing at all ! 
 
 Vv T hen we came to the door, I lumpish and glum! 
 The rapper I held 'twixt my finger and thum ; 
 Tap went the knocker, and Kate shew'd her chin: 
 
 She chuckled and duckled 1 bow'd and walked in; 
 
 Now I wur as bashful as bashful could be, 
 
 And Kitty, poor lass ! wur as bashful as me ; 
 
 So I bowed, and she grinned, and let my hat fall; 
 
 Then I smiled scratch'd my head and said 
 
 1 1 I I's cum'd' ' Yes, sur,' says she, ' I see ye's com'd, what's 
 your business wi' I?' 'Why (says I) I hean't much business, I's 
 com'd to to to' ' To what?' says she 'Why, (says I) to to 
 to' ' Dang it,' seys feyther, and he hits me a great drive ower't 
 chops, ' tell her thou's com'd to make love till her atyance' ' Eees,' 
 says I, ' Feyther says as how I's com'd to make to make' ' To 
 make what? says she, ' Why,' says I, ' to make 
 
 Nothing at all ! 
 
 If bashful wur I, no less bashful the maid, 
 
 For she simper'd, and blush'd, wi' her apron strings play'd; 
 
 Till the old folks, impatient to have the thing done, 
 
 Agreed that Kitty and I should be one. 
 
 In silence us young folks just nodded consent; 
 
 Hand in hand to the church to be married we went; 
 
 Where we answered the parson, in voices so small, 
 
 Love honour obey and a 
 
 Ecod, I shall never forget, it wur so comical. Parson turns to 
 me wi' a face as grave as a church yard, and he says to me, Wull, 
 says he to me, will tua hae this young woman to be thy wedded 
 wife? Ees, says I, I brought her here o' purpose. So he turns 
 to Kitty, and he says, Kitty, will you hae this young man to be thy 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 1S9 
 
 wedded husband? Dung me, if Kitty wam't quite shocked, she 
 blush d, and she stammer'd, and she twitter'd, and wur quite in a 
 state of conflammery gastuation, as a body may say; and so she 
 says to the parson, says she, sur I 1 
 
 Nothing at all ! 
 
 But mnvk what a change in the course of a week; 
 Now Kate left off blushing, and Wully could speak, 
 Could play wi* my deary, laugh loud at a jest, 
 She could coax too, and fondle as well as the best. 
 Now we laugh at past follies, and since we've declar'd 
 To encourage young folks who at wedlock are scar'd, 
 
 That if once to your aid some insurance you call, 
 
 May kiss and get married, and get married, and 
 
 Ecod, it wor nought when it wor over, just like hanging. But 
 I shall never forget that day, there were sic fiddling, sic feasting, 
 and sic dancing. But when it began to get rather late, I gi'es 
 Kate a nudge, and says I, Brush! and then I made a bit of a 
 speech to the company ; says I, Nybours bridemaids, bridegroom, 
 I'll thank you all to make a clean sweep ; and I hope you'll all 
 
 come again this day nine moths, when I will shew you a Shew 
 
 us what, says yaii. Why, says I, I'll shew you a a a 
 
 Nothing at all ! 
 
 THE FIRST SPREE. Niver vos drunk but vunce in the whole 
 corse o' my life ; niver means to be agin. The street seem'd to 
 be wery steep, and I lifted my leg at ewery step as if I was gettin' 
 up stairs ; seweral cart veels vos makin* conwolutions in my brain, 
 and at one time I fancied my head vos a large carvin' and turniu' 
 establishment, the lathes of vitch I vos keepin' in motion vith my 
 feet. I couldn't conceive vot vos the reason town vos turn'd into 
 sich an enormous high hill ; and vot made it vorserer vos, that it 
 seem'd all the time growin' higher, and threatenin' to pitch over 
 on me. Stop, stop, tho't I, and I'll head this old hill yet, or at 
 least it shan't head me ; so I turned to go round, and go to the 
 bottom, and hang me if the town didn't turn round vith me, 
 headin' me all the time, and presentin' the high bluff right in front 
 on me. Well, sure enough, the ground soon flew up and struck 
 me in the forehead ; and as soon as the stars clear'd away I com- 
 menced climbin* up with my hands and knees. The next thing 
 I saw vos a big brick house come full split round the corner, and 
 I believe it went right over me. but I don't remember any more. 
 
100 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 KITCHEN CONUNDRUM. 
 
 * COME Thomas,' says Kitty, ' pray make us a pun, 
 
 * You're good-natured and never refuse ;' 
 
 * Ask coachee,' says Tom, 'he's the fellow for Fun, 
 
 * For he knows the way to a-mews. 
 
 Says coachee, * Why, Thomas, you puzzle my brains, 
 
 * For you never can bridle your wit ; 
 
 * But how comes it, that I, tho' exposed to the reins 
 
 4 Ev'ry day, never suffer a lit?' 
 
 HOW TO LEARN FRENCH. 
 
 I learnt French at the night-school one winter of our minister, 
 Joshua Hopewell (he was the most learned man of the age, for he 
 taught himself e'en almost every language in Europe) ; well, next 
 spvinor, when 1 went to Boston, I met a Frenchman, and began 
 to jabber away French to him. 
 
 * .folly wous a Jbioug say," says I. 
 
 " I don't understand Yankee yet," says he. 
 
 ' You don't understand !' says I, ' why, it's French. I guess 
 you didn't expect to hear such good French, did you, away down 
 east here? hut we speak it real well, and it's generally allowed we 
 speak English, too, better than the British/ 
 
 4 Oh !' says he, 'you one very droll Yankee ; dat very good joke, 
 sare ; you talk Indgian and call it French/ 
 
 4 But/ says I, ' Mr. Mountshear, it is French, I vow ; real mer- 
 chantable, without wainy edge or shakes all clear stuff; it will 
 pass survey in any market it's ready stuck and seasoned. 
 
 4 Oh ! very like/ says he, bowin', as polite as a black waiter at 
 New Orleans ; 4 very like, only I never heard it afore ; oh ! very 
 good French, dat clear stuff, no doubt, but I no understand it s 
 my fault, I dare say, sare.' 
 
 Thinks I to myself, a nod's as good as a wink to a blind horse. 
 I see how the cat jumps: minister knows so many languages he 
 hasn't been particular enough to keep 'em in separate parcels, and 
 mark 'em on the back, and they've got mixed ; and sure enough 
 I found my French was so overrun with other sorts, that it was 
 better to lose the whole crop than to go to weedin', for, as fast as 
 I pulled up any stranger seedin', it would grow right up agin as 
 quick as wink, if there was the least bit of root in the world left in 
 the ground, so I left it all to rot on the field. Sam Slick. 
 
MEEBT COMPANION 191 
 
 DEAF AS A POST. Maria Therese had often expressed a desire 
 to see Madame de Bautru, wife of the celebrated wit of that name, 
 but without effect. One day she told Bautru that she was resolved 
 to see her. Bautru, finding he could no longer avoid complying 1 , 
 promised to introduce her after dinner. 'But is it fit,' said he, a 
 droll thought entering his head, ' I inform your majesty that my 
 wife has the misfortune to be deaf, insomuch that those who ad- 
 dress her are obliged to shout with all their force/ ' Indeed !' 
 said the queen. 'Well, well, I shall be careful.* Away went 
 Bautru to inform his wife that the queen insisted upon seeing her ; 
 at the same time intimating, in order to effect his whimsical de- 
 sign, that her majesty was exceedingly deaf, and that she must 
 talk very loud. In the evening he escorted her to the Louvre ; 
 the queen no sooner saw her than she began talking in her highest 
 key ; and Madam Bautru likewise commenced, if possible, an 
 octave higher. The king, and some of the courtiers, who had 
 been let into the secret, laughed to their heart's content. At 
 length, the queen, perceiving the joke, said to Madame Bautru, 
 4 Prithee tell me, madam, did not Bautru lead you to imagine I 
 was deaf?' 'Yes, your majesty, as deaf as a post!' 'Ah ! the 
 rogue,' continued the queen, 'he told me the very same thing of 
 
 THE NEGRO AND THE SERPENT. 
 
 SOME time since, two negroes belonging to the estate of J. Hopkin- 
 soii, Esq. were sent by their overseers to cut grass for the cattle, and 
 were each of them supplied with a cutlass for that purpose. They pro- 
 ceeded till they came to a large savanna, where after cutting- as much 
 us they could carry, they fell asleep. 
 
 One of them, named Martin, was awoke from his slumber by a most 
 extraordinary and painful sensation in his legs, which from their 
 weight he was unable to move. He glanced at them, and to his aston- 
 ishment and horror found them nearly as far as the thighs in the mouth 
 of a tremendous serpent. 
 
 His shrieks and cries awoke his companion who, struck with terror 
 at the monstrous reptile before him, fled. Martin felt himself absorbed 
 more and more every instant, without a seeming possibility of escape, 
 however, urged by despair, he caught up the cutlass that lay by 
 his side, and resting himself on his hand, gave the serpent several sev- 
 vere cuts. The monster annoyed and alarmed at this assault, with a vio- 
 lent effort disgorged the courageous slave, but his legs were dreadfully 
 lacerated and torn by the serpent's saw-like teeth in their passage out. 
 
 The reptile now perceiving his enemy more distinctly, folded himself 
 up and prepared to dart at Martin. Aware of his intention the slave 
 
192 MERRY COMPANION, 
 
 though smarting with agony, got up and prepared to meet his adver- 
 sary, who considerably weakened by the wounds he had received, dash- 
 ed foward with a faint and languid spring. Martin stepped aside and 
 his opponent fell without injuring him in the least. Before the serpent 
 recovered himself, the gallant negro rushed round, and with one blow 
 severed his tail off, and thereby mortally wounded him. The trium- 
 phant conqueror finished his feat by cutting off his antagonist's head. 
 
 Shortly after he was found by his runaway comrade, who had brought 
 assistance, senseless by the side of the bleeding serpent. He had fain- 
 ted with pain and the loss of blood, but medical assistance soon restored 
 him to health, and healed his wounds. 
 
 In consideration of this wonderful preservation, Martin was presented 
 with his freedom by Mr. Hopkinson, through whose exertions and kind- 
 ness he is now in a good way of business as a trader, in Jamaica. 
 
 SAMBO'S SERMON. 
 
 * STRATE is de rode an narrer is de paff which leadeffto glory.' 
 ' Brederen believers ! You semble dis nite to bar de word, and 
 hab it splained and monstratecl to you ; yes, an 1 tend for splain it 
 clear as de lite ob de libin day. We're all wicked sinners bar be- 
 low it's fac, my brederen, and I tell you how it cum. You see, 
 my friends, 
 
 ' Adam was de fus man, 
 Ebe was de todder, 
 Cane was a wicked man, 
 Kase he kill he brodder. 
 
 * Adam and Ebe were bole black men, and so was Cane and 
 Able. Now I spose it seem to strike you a understandin how de 
 fus wite man cum. Why I let you no. Den you see when Cane 
 kill de brodder de Massa cum, and he say, 4 Cane, \vhar you a 
 brodder Able?' Cane say, ' I don't know, Massa.' He cum gin 
 an say, ' Cane, whar you a brodder Able ?' Cane say, 4 1 don't 
 know, Massa ;' but de nigger noe'd all de time. Massa now git 
 mad cum gin peak mity sharp dis time, * Cane, whar your 
 brodder Able, you nigger?' Cane now git friten, and he turn 
 wite : and dis is de way de fus wite man cum pon dis arth! an if 
 it had not been for dat dare nigger, Cane, we'd neba been troubled 
 wid dese sassy wites pon de face ob dis circumlar globe. Now sing 
 de forty lebenth hym, ticular meter.' 
 
 ' How well he plays for one so young,' said Mrs. Partirigton, as the 
 boy and his monkey performed near her door; * and how much his lit- 
 tie brother looks like him, to be sure !' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 193 
 
 ORIGIN OF LOVE. 
 
 CUPID one day, in luckless hour, 
 Observed a bee from flow'r to flow'r, 
 
 Hurrying 1 on busy wing- : 
 Thinking 1 to gain the honeyed prize, 
 He strove the insect to surprise, 
 
 But quickly felt its sting. 
 
 Fired with revenge, he flew away 
 To where asleep my Julia lay 
 
 On mossy bank reclin'd ; 
 And while he sought relief to sip, 
 By kisses from her balmy lip, 
 
 He left the sting behind. 
 
 Thus if I now, in hours of bliss, 
 
 From her sweet mouth should steal a kiss, 
 
 I after feel the smart ; 
 For when her rosy lips I've press'd, 
 And tlwn-k myself supremely blest, 
 
 I bear the sting at heart ! 
 
 A CELEBRATED Comedian dining at a tavern in tlie neighbour- 
 hood of Covent-gaiden, after asking the waiter several times for a 
 glass of water without obtaining it, rang the bell violently, and 
 swore 4 He would knock his eye out, if he did not immediately 
 bring some.' A gentleman present remonstrated, and said, ' He 
 would be less likely of getting it, if be did so.' ' Oh dear, no, sir ; 
 ibr if you take eye (i) from waiter, you will get water directly/ 
 
 PIETORTS ON BARRISTERS. Sergeant Coclde, who was a rough 
 blustering fellow, once got from a witness more than he gave. In 
 a trial of a right to a fishery, he asked the witness, * Do'st thou 
 love fish ?' ' Ay/ replied the witness, with a grin, 4 but I dunna 
 like cockle sauce with it!' The roar of laughter which echoed 
 through the court, rather disturbed the learned sergeant. 
 
 THE Eev. Paul Hamilton, on receiving the presentation to the 
 church and parish of Broughton. near Edinburgh, preached a fare- 
 well sermon to the ladies of Ayr ; and not a little to the surprise 
 ot his fair auditry, gave out his text 'And they fell upon Paul's 
 neck, and kissed him/ 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A STRONG HINT. A young lady once hinted to a gentleman 
 that her thimble was nearly worn out, and asked what reward she 
 should receive for her industry. He made answer the next day 
 by sending her a new one, with the following lines: 
 
 I send a thimble for fing-ers nimble, 
 Which I hope will fit when you try it , 
 
 It will last you long, if it's half as strong, 
 As the hint which you gave me to buy it. 
 
 POLITELY 'CuTE A thin-faced, sable looking lady stepped 
 into a store in Washington Street, a few days ago, to buy a steel 
 reticule. The clerk handed out a variety of sorts, sizes, and prices 
 all of which the lady deliberately viewed, handled, and com- 
 mented upon ; until at length, having made her selection of one, 
 at two dollars and a half, she gave the clerk a ten-dollar note, to 
 deduct that amount. The clerk went to the desk, and returning, 
 gave the lady her change. ' Why, here's but two dollars and a 
 half,' says she. * Exactly, madam,' replies the clerk. ' Well, but 
 I gave you a ten-dollar bill, sir !' ' Precisely, madam,' said the po- 
 lite clerk. ' This bag is two dollars and a half, is it not ?' says the 
 lady, holding forth the purchased reticule. ' Two dollars and a 
 half is the price, madam.' 'Then why do you deduct seven dol- 
 lars and a half, sir?' ' Why, madam, this reticule is two dollars 
 and a half ' 'Very well, sir,' said the lady. ' And that one at- 
 tached to your dress, beneath your cardinal, five dollars morel' 
 said the complaisant clerk, raising up the lady's cardinal, and dis- 
 playing a very handsome steel-bead reticule there secreted. The 
 lady became quite agitated, but the humane clerk assured her that 
 it was all perfectly right. ' You don't for a moment suppose, sir i' 
 said the lady, in a low and husky voice, ' that 1 intended ' ' Oh ! 
 certainly not, madam !' said the clerk. 'Oh, it's all right, mad- 
 am perfectly correct,' continued the clerk. ' Good morning, sir!' 
 said the lady!| bowing and grinning a ghastly smile. ' Good morn- 
 ing!' responded the gentlemanly clerk, bowing' the lady safely on* 
 of the premises. No fancy sketch this. 
 
 FINE WEATHER. Hey, an al tell yo wot, there wor a chap at 
 Bairnsla goin ta Lunnan, and they tell'd him, did his friends, at 
 he must try ta tawk fine, and not sa vulgar az Bairnsla foaks did. 
 Well, he thowt id tack their advice, and when he gat az far az 
 PiMtherham, he wor foarst ta cum boam agean, for they cuddant 
 understand a word he sed, he elip't em sa fine. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 195 
 
 SHARP SIGHT. An American describing the prevalence of 
 duelling, summed up with, "They even fight with daggers in a 
 room pitch dark .'" " Is it possible ?" was the reply. " Possible, 
 sir?" returned the Yankee, " why I have seen them.'* 
 
 DR. RADCLIFFE. The best anecdote told of this excellent phy- 
 sician is that which shows how well he could bear misfortune. 
 When in a speculatian with Betleton the actor, he lost G,000/., 
 while the latter suffered to the amount of 2,000/., he condoled with 
 his friend on his misfortune, but said for himself, ' he had only to 
 trot up 6,000 pairs of stairs, and all would be right again." 
 
 MAN MADE OF MUD. During an examination of a black ser- 
 vant in the Catechism, he was asked by the clergyman what he 
 was made of. ' Of mud, massa,' was the reply. On being told he 
 should say, ' Of dust,* he answered, ' No, rnassa, it no do, no tick 
 tegeclder. 1 
 
 DANGER OF TAPPING. After a consultation, several physicians 
 decided that a dropsical patient should be tapped. Upon hearing 
 of the decision of the doctors, a son, remarkable for his devotion 
 to John Barleycorn, approached and exclaimed, 'Father! don't 
 submit, for there was never anything tapped in our house thatlasted 
 more than a week.' 
 
 DEMISE OF A MUMMY. An honest countryman, anxious to 
 explore the wonders ot the British Museum, obtained a special 
 holiday, a short time since. Accordingly, taking with him a couple 
 ot lady friends, he presented himself at the door for admittance; 
 'No admission to-day, sir!' said the keeper. 'No admission to- 
 day ! But I must come in I've a holiday on purpose !' ' No mat- 
 ter this is a close day, anjj the Museum is shut I* ' What!' said 
 John, ' ain't this public property ?* ' Yes, but one of the mummies 
 died a few days ago, and we're going to bury him !' 4 Oh, in that 
 case, we won't intrude !' said John and so he retired. 
 
 'Yer drunk agaie, hey?' 'No, my love (hiccup), not drunk, 
 but slippery (hiccup). The fact is, my dear, somebody has been 
 rubbing the bottom of my boots (hiccup) till they are so smooth as 
 a dim pane of glass.' 
 
196 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 AN OBVIOUS INFERENCE. An Iowa stump orator, wishing' to 
 describe his opponent as a soulless man, said, 4 1 have heard some 
 persons hold the opinion, that just at the precise moment after one 
 human being dies another is born, and the soul enters and ani- 
 mates the new-born babe. Now, I have made particular and ex- 
 tensive inquiries concerning my opponent thar, and I find that for 
 some hours before he drew breath nobody died. Fellow-citizens. 
 I Jeave vou to draw the inference !' 
 
 AN ORIGINAL LOVE STORY. 
 
 HE struggled to kiss her. She struggled the same 
 To prevent him, so bold and undaunted; 
 
 But, as smitten by lightning, he heard her exclaim, 
 * Avaunt, sir !' and off he avaunted. 
 
 But when he returned, with t\ie fiendish est laugh, 
 
 Showing clearly that he was affronted, 
 And threatened by main force to carry her ajf. 
 
 She cried * Don't !' and the poor fellow donted. 
 
 When he meekly approached, and got down at her feet, 
 
 Praying loud, as before he had ranted, 
 That she would forgive him, and try to be sweet, 
 
 And said, ' Can't you?' the dear girl re-canted. 
 
 Then softly he whispered, * How could you do so? 
 
 I certainly thought I was jilted; 
 But come thou with me to the parson we'll go; 
 
 Say, wilt thou, my dear T and she wilted. 
 
 Then gaily he took her to see her new home 
 
 A shanty by no means enchanted 
 ' See ! here we can live with no longing to roam !' 
 
 He said, * Sha'n't we, my dear?' so they shantied 1 
 
 A COUNTRY girl riding past a turn-pike gate without paying the 
 usual fee, the toll-man hailed her and demanded it, ; she tsked him 
 l>y what authority he demanded toll of her. He answered, 4 the 
 eign would convince her that the law required Un^ciice for a 
 man and horse.' ' Well,' replied the girl, ' this is a woman and 
 mare, therefore you have no claim !' and she rode oif, leaving him 
 the laughing-stock of the bystanders. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 197 
 
 GunoLQGY.Shillaber, of the ' Carpet Bag,' tells us the follow- 
 ing outrageous gun story : Speaking to-day with the son of a gun 
 regarding some gunning exploits, he told me of a singular instance 
 of a gun hanging fire, which, were it not for his well-known ve- 
 racity, I should feel disposed to doubt. He had snapped his gun 
 at a grey squirrel, and the cap had exploded, but the piece not 
 going off he took it from his shoulder, looked down into the barrel, 
 and saw the charge just starting, when, bringing it to his shoulder 
 again, it went off and killed the squirrel ! 
 
 At a wedding the other day, one of the guests, who is often a 
 little absent, observed gravely, 'I have remarked that there have 
 been more women than men married this year/ 
 
 MR. ETHAN SPIKE'S SPEECH FOR GENERAL TAYLOR. * Who's 
 Gineral Taler?' says I. ' He's one of the people/ says I 4 He 
 haint a loky foky,' says I, ' nor a Whig, nor a free syler, nor else, 7 
 says I. 4 He can lick Mexicuns faster'n you can say Jack Robin- 
 son,' says I ; 4 an hates niggers more'n he does pi son. I go for 
 him,' says I, ' neck or nothin, now and henceforth, and if there's 
 an individual in the saound of my voice as isn't a Taler man, an 
 darst to own it,' says I, ' I'll lick him, darn him !' says I : When 
 I got this off, the cheerin and stampin was dredful, an father 
 who was a leetle groggy sung aout as laoucl as he could ball,' 
 Them's um ! Go it, Ethan, give it to 'em ! Hooray ; Hooray !' 
 An then he throwed off his hat an stomped on it, and kicked 
 raound, an screech't an squalled in such an onairthly way, that 
 they had to tie him an carry him hum/ 
 
 THE following notification was published in the Springfield 
 (Ohio) Republican, of the 26th October: 'To DICK LOGAN. If 
 you want my girl, why don't you come and ask me, like a gentle- 
 man, and not be making a fool of her? She can get plenty of 
 better looking men then you. I want you to send back the land- 
 lady's trunk, for the landlady thinks hard of me about it. If my 
 daughter, Lila Maclin, wants to marry as black a man as Dick, 
 let her come home and do the thing right. Lila, your mother, feels 
 very bad, after doing so much for you, to have you do this way. 
 Do come home. There's a fellow in Zenia now nearly dying for 
 you, and wants to marry you. He's a great deal better than Dick, 
 and you'd better come home. ELIZA MACKLIN, Zenia, Ohio.' 
 
198 MEREY COMPANION. 
 
 RISIBLES. 
 
 Which are the four most corpulent letters in the alphabet? 0, B. 
 
 T fnhfieit-K^ 
 
 C, T, (obesity) 
 
 The Rev. Sydnev Smith, in speaking- of the prosy nature of some 
 sermons, said, 'Thev are written as if sin were to be taken out of man 
 like Eve out of Adam, by putting him to sleep.' 
 
 'Did your fall hurt you?' said one Patlander to another, who had 
 fallen from the top of a two story house. * Not in the laste, honey, 
 'twas stoppin* so quick that hurt me.' 
 
 The Conversation at Holland House turning- upon first love ; Tom 
 Moore compared it to a potatoe, ' because it shoots from the eyes.' 
 * Or rather (exclaimed Byron), because it becomes all the less by paring.' 
 
 Blessed is the man who has no money, as he is not obliged to mend 
 the holes in his pockets. 
 
 An Irishman, recommending- a cow, said she would give milk year 
 after year, without having- calves: * because,' said he, 'it runs in the 
 breed, for she came of a cow that never had a calf!' 
 
 "WHOSE pigs are these, my lad?" "Whoy, they belong- to that 
 there big 1 sow." "No! I mean who is their master?" "Whoy,' f 
 again answered the lad, " that little 'un there he's a rare 'un to feight." 
 
 'Say, Csesar Augustus, why am your legs like :m organ grinder?' 
 'Don't know, Mr. Sugarloaf; why is they?' 'Cos they carries a 
 monkey about the streets.' 
 
 NONSENSE. Dr. Johnson being asked to give a definition of non- 
 sense, replied, " Sir, it is nonsense to bolt the door with a boiled carrot." 
 
 ' Sambo, why is a chimley sweep one ob de happiest men alibe?' 
 * I 'spose, kase he knows de joys ob de fireside !' ' No ! dat aint it. 
 Do you gib it up? Well, den, kase he'es suited (sooted).' 
 
 A FLOWER FOR A LOVER'S BUTTON-HOLE. A lady's cheek is des- 
 cribed as the poetical abode of the rose ; but we are not told what kind 
 of rose. When the ardent lover steals a kiss, we suppose it is a ' cab- 
 bage-rose ! 
 
MERRY COMPANION". 199 
 
 NOTHING LIKE PRUDENCE. 
 SCENE A Juvenile Parti/ of Thir teeners. 
 Maria 'My dear Charles, before we think of marrying 1 , 1 must 
 ask you what you have ?' 
 
 Charles 'My dear Maria, I will tell you frankly that all I have 
 in the world is a drum and a cricket-bat; but Papa? has promised 
 me a bow and arrows, and a pony, if 1 am a good boy.' 
 
 Maria' Oh ! my dear Charles, we could never live and keep 
 house upon that!' 
 
 The Cornovian has the following joke on a farmer, who was ac- 
 customed fo come home late at night in a ' barleycorn* state, taking 
 a cold bite, which was usually set for him by his kind and forgiving 
 wife. One night, beside the usual dish of cabbage and pork, she 
 left a wash-bowl filled with caps and starch. The lamp had long 
 been extinguished when the staggering sot returned home, and by 
 mistake, when proceeding to satisfy his hunger, he stuck his fork 
 into the wrong dish. He worked away at his mouthful of caps for 
 some time, but, being unable to masticate them, he sang out to 
 his wife, ' I say, old woman, where did you get your cabbages, they 
 are so stringy I can't chew 'em?' 'Gracious me!' replied the 
 i""d lady, 4 if the stupid fellow isn't eating my caps, strings and 
 all!' 
 
 ANECDOTE OF FORREST, THE AMERICAN ACTOR. The fol- 
 lowing story is told of Forrest the American tragedian, and an 
 eminent judge. When they were both young, and unknown to 
 fame and each other, they met at a modern inn, by chance they 
 were put to sleep in the same room. Both retired in the dark, each 
 suspicious of the other. They slept pretty comfortably, so well 
 that they refused to rise in the morning. They were lying, eyeing 
 each other with ferocious looks until noon, when Forrest, making 
 a desperate effort, calle7l out, ' Stranger, why don't you get up ?' 
 * What is that to you?' 4 I have a particular reason for asking,' 
 muttered Forrest, and plunged his head beneath the clothes. 
 Presently the other raised his head and said, ' I say, my friend, 
 perhaps you will answer me, if I put the question, to which I re- 
 fused to reply to yourself?' ' Well, then,' said Forrest, rolling the 
 clothes off slowly, and striking his heels upon the floor, 4 1 have 
 DO shirt, and did not care to expose my poverty.' ' Oh !' said the 
 other, leaping with a greyhound-like bound into the middle of the 
 anartment, 4 why didn't you say that before? that is just my pre- 
 dicament. 7 
 
200 MERUY COMPANION. 
 
 SNEEZING MAL-APROPOS. The following laughable incident is 
 related in a New York Paper: In the new melodrama, recently 
 got up at the Chatham Theatre, a famous robber is taken and be- 
 headed, and his head is exhibited to the audience by being placed 
 on a table in the centre of the stage. To accomplish this to lite, 
 the robber's body is fixed to the table, and his neck fitted to a hole 
 in the centre of a leaf, so that to the audience it looks precisely as 
 though the man's head had been cut off and stood up in a pool of 
 his own blood upon the table. On the filth night of the exhibition, 
 a wag got into the third tier of stand boxes, and by some unex- 
 plained manceuver, managed to blow a lot of Scotch snuff over the 
 stage, just at the time the head was placed on the table. As soon 
 as the snuff had begun to settle down the head commenced sneez- 
 ing, to the no small amusement of the audience ; and as the sneez- 
 ing could not be stopped, the curtain fell amidst roars of laughter 
 and confusion. 
 
 AN ALARMED TRIO. 
 
 A few months since, a son of Erin, about nine o'clock one evening, 
 called at a country inn, and demanded lodgings for thn night. It was 
 evident from his appearance and actions that he and liquor had been 
 quite jolly companions throughout the day. 
 
 The landlord was a lazy, good-natured soul, and had imbibed rather 
 freely that day himself. * If I give you a light, and tell you whiTo 
 the room is, you can find the place,' said the landlord. 
 
 'Och, an' it's meself that can do that most illegantly. Jlst show me 
 the way, an' I'll find it azy,' rejoined the Irishman. 
 
 The directions were given him, and also a candle. He was direct', d 
 to go to a room in the second story of the house. By the time he had 
 reached the top of the stairs his light had become extinguished, and 
 he had forgotten in what direction he was to go. Seeing rays of light 
 issuing from a room, the door of which stood slightly ajar, he recon- 
 noitered the inside of the room, and found it to contain a bed, in which 
 lay a man, and a stand with a small lighted lamp upon it. Feeling 
 disinclined to make any further search for the room to which he had 
 been directed, he divested himself of his clothing and quietly crept into 
 the back part of the bed. 
 
 He had been in the bed but a few minutes, when a young lady and 
 gentleman entered the room. The Irishman eyed them closely. They 
 seated themselves on chairs in close proximity to each other, and after 
 chatting- merrily for a short time, the young man threw his arm around 
 her waist in a cousinly manner, and imprinted a kiss upon her tempt- 
 ing lips. There was a witchery in it which demanded a repetition. 
 The vscene amused the Irishman vastly, and being free from selfishness, 
 he concluded that his sleeping companion should be a participant with 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 201 
 
 him in the enjoyment of the scene, and to this end he nudged him ; 
 but his companion stirred not. He then put his hand upon him, 
 and found that he was tightly locked in the cold embrace of death. 
 
 Synonymous with this discovery he bounded out of bed, exclaim- 
 ing " Murfher ! Murther ! Howly saints of Hiven, protect me !" 
 
 He had scarcely touched the floor with his feet, before the young 
 lady and gentleman were making rapid strides towards the stair way, 
 terror being depicted on their countenances. They had just reached 
 the top of the stairs when the Irish man came dashing along as though 
 all the fiends of Erebus were close at his heels, intent on making him 
 their prey, and the whole three' went tumbling down stairs, and it is 
 hard to determine which of the three reached the foot oi'the stairs first 
 
 The landlord stood ugiiac>c as the in.-umiun rushed into tiie bar-room, 
 with nothing 1 on between him and nudity but a garment vulgarly styled 
 a shirt, the hair on his head standing upon end, his eye-balls ready to 
 start from their sockets, and he gasping for breath. It was a sight 
 that would have made a man laugh who had worn a vinegar face from 
 tbp day of his birth. Nothing could induce him to seek a bed that night 
 again. 
 
 When the young lady and gentleman found that it was not the 
 corpse that had so unceremoniously bounded from the bed, they re- 
 turned to the room (they being the watchers for the night), and, doubt- 
 less, commenced their courting at a point where it was so suddenly 
 broken oil*. 
 
 I LOVE TO SCAN THY. ARTLESS FACE. 
 
 1 love to scan thy artless face, 
 
 And watch those signs thou can'st not smother; 
 And fondly strive thy thoughts to trace 
 
 As smiles and tears o'ertake each other. 
 
 That look so strange, yet sweet to see, 
 That look on which I'm ever dwelling, 
 
 Imparts far deeper bliss to me 
 
 Than lips possess the gift of telling. 
 
 I love thee more yes, more and more, 
 
 Each time I view those bright eyes beaming ; 
 
 And muse, in gentle rapture, o'er 
 
 The tresses down thy fair neck streaming. 
 
 'Tis sweeter still to hear thy voice 
 Make music to that look of pleasure, 
 
 Which bids my throbbing heart rejoice, 
 
 And stamps thee mine thou priceless treasure ! 
 
202 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 CHACHINATOBS. 
 
 Are these ship letters?' asked a post-office clerk of a sailor" as 
 he handed him a bundle, 4 No, sir, they are schooner letters!' 
 
 Mrs. Partington says it is a curious provision of nature that 
 hens never lay when eggs are dear, and always begin when they 
 are cheap. 
 
 A high churchman was once asked, * what made his library look 
 so thin P' H is reply was, ' My books all keep Lent. 1 
 
 * Pray Miss C.,' said a gentleman the other evening, * why are 
 ladies so fond of officers ?' ' How stupid!' replied Miss C. ; 'is 
 it not perfectly natural and proper that a lady should like a good 
 offer ) sir?' 
 
 A late writer wishes to know what more precious offering can 
 be laid upon the altar of a man's heart than the first-love of a pure, 
 earnest, and affectionate girl, with an undivided interest in eight 
 thousand three per cents, and fourteen three-story houses? We 
 give it up. We know of nothing half so touching, or, in other 
 words, anything that most people would sooner touch, 
 
 Miss Tucker says, it's with old bachelors as with old wood ; it 
 is hard to get them started, but, when they do take flame, they 
 
 burn prodigiously. 
 
 
 
 A worthy divine, having wearied the patience of a portion of his 
 congregation by a somewhat lengthy sermon, and noticing persons 
 stepping out of the church very quietly, sat down in the pulpit, 
 saying ' I will now wait till the chaff is blown off/ This made 
 the people quiet. 
 
 ' This 'ere hanimal, my little dears,' obverved the keeper of a 
 menagerie to a school, ' is a leopard. His complexion is yaller, 
 and agreeably diwersified with black spots ; It vos a wulgar her- 
 ror of the hancients, that the critter vos incapable of changin' his 
 spots, vitch vos disproved in modern times by obserwin' that he 
 werv frequentley slept in one spot and next night changed to an- 
 other !' 
 
 Woman, with all thy faults, I love thee still, as the Quaker 
 observed when he muzzled the scold. 
 
 * Father,' said a roguish boy, * I hope you won't buy any more 
 gunpowder tea for mother/ ' Why not ?' * Because every time 
 bhe drinks it she blows us uu !' ' Go to bed sir, immediately.' 
 
MEREY COMPANION. 2C3 
 
 THE DANGER OF DELAY. A son of the Emerald Isle was ob- 
 served one morning to look exceedingly blank and perplexed. 
 Pat, in answer to an inquiry, said he had had a dream. His friend 
 interrogated him as to whether it was a good or a bad dream ? Pat 
 answered, * It was a little of both. Faith, I'll tell you. I dreamed 
 I was with the Pope, who was as great a jintleman as any one in 
 the district; and he axed me wad I drink? Thinks I, wad a duel; 
 swim ; and seeing the Innishowen, and lemons, and sugar, on the 
 sideboard, I told him I didn't care if I tuk a wee dhrap of punch ! 
 * Cold or hot ?' axed the Pope. '//0, your Holiness,' I replied ; 
 and be that he stepped down to the kitchen for the bilin' water ; 
 but before he got back I woke straight up! And now it's distress- 
 ing me I didn't take it cold ? 
 
 A NEWLY imported Irishman was one clay standing, with his 
 hook under his arm, at a shop window not thirty miles from Glas- 
 gow. The shopkeeper observed him from the door, accosts him 
 thus: * Well, Pat, what do you want in my line to-day ?' * What 
 you have got to give me/ rejoins the Irishman. * I'll wager a 
 pound I have what suits you,' returned the former. The latter, 
 pulling a pound from his rags, replies, ' It's done ; table your dust. 
 I want a sheath for my hook.' To poor Pat's astonishment and 
 mortification the sheath was produced. Away he went to the har- 
 vest, however, leaving the pound with the shopkeeper. But not to 
 be beat, he called on him on his way home, and in presence of a 
 
 witness thus addressed him : 4 Well Mr. , what will you take 
 
 for as mnch twist tobacco as will reach from my one ear to the 
 other?' ' A penny,' was the reply. This being agreeed to, the 
 grocer cut off about a foot of twist tobacco, and was about to apply 
 its extremities to Pat's ears, when the latter, pointing his finger 
 upwards, exulting exclaimed, ' There is one ear, but the other is 
 nailed to the back of the gaol door in Dublin.' The duped grocer 
 was obliged to give his ingenious antagonist forty pounds of to- 
 bacco before he could get quit of him. 
 
 SUITABLE PROFESSOR. The following anecdote is related of 
 Professor Humphries, of Amherst College, by a New York paper: 
 One morning before a recitation, some of our students fastened 
 a live goose on the president's chair. When he entered the room, 
 and discovered the new occupant of the chair, he turned on his 
 heel, and coolly observed, ' gentlemen I perceive you have a com- 
 petent instructor, and I therefore leave you to your studies.' 
 
204 MERllY COMPANION. 
 
 GREAZV. A butcher, at Hull, let a sailor hev a shookler a mut- 
 ton a trust, an, in a day or two at after, getting to hear at he'd 
 goan ta America, he sed, ' My word, but if ide a nawn at he nivver 
 intended to a paid me for it. ide a charged him a haupeny a paand 
 inure than ah did.* 
 
 A JUST REPROOF. A lady who had married a man of great 
 good-nature, but a little deficient in point of understanding, was 
 reproached by her brother-in-law, who told her in derision that she 
 had coupled herself to a fool. ' So has my sister/ she replied, 
 1 for no man of sense would endeavour to give any woman a mean 
 opinion of her husband.' 
 
 How TO PAY THE SHOT. An action being expected, one. of 
 his captains sent to Nelson, to remind his lordship that there were 
 750,000 dollars on board the Defiance, which he had brought out 
 from England, and to inquire what was to be done with them. 
 Lord Nelson answered, ' If the Spaniards come out, fire the dollars 
 at them, and pay them off in their own coin/ 
 
 A Chartist was holding forth, and gratifying his audience with 
 his notions of liberty and equality. ' Is not one man as good as 
 another?' he exclaimed, coming to a point, and ' pausing for a re- 
 ply,' as the saying is. 'Ay, coorse he is,' shouted an excited Irish- 
 man, 'and better 1* 
 
 David Crockett, says the Boston Transcript, used to say of the 
 late Philip Hone, with whom he was in Congress, that he was the 
 perlitest man he ever knew 'Cause why?' said the colonel, ' he 
 alters puts his bottle on the side-board before he asks you to drink, 
 and then turns his back so as not to see how much you take ! This,' 
 adds the colonel, ' is what I call real per lite ness.' 
 
 Mrs. Partington says she never received but one synonymous 
 letter in her lite, and that spoke paragorically of all her acquaint- 
 ances. 
 
 When a young man steals a kiss from a Shropshire girl, she 
 blushes like a ' new blown rose,' and says smartly, * You darsn't do 
 that twice more.' 
 
 A sailor attempted to kiss a lass he met on shore. She bristled 
 up and declared he had insulted her ; whereupon Jack exclaimed, 
 ' Well, that beats all! I've been to sea twenty years, and never 
 knew a salute called an insult afore I* 
 
MEBJiY COMPANION. 205 
 
 REASON SUFFICIENT. 
 
 A gentleman, furious with anger and hunger, 
 Tims address'd an itinerant Irish fishmonger 
 "You knavish infernal imposter ! pray how 
 Could you sell me such fish as I paid for just now ? 
 Why. hang it, you rascal, they're spoiled- it is plain ?* 
 Says Paddy, " Your honour, now do not complain 
 Whate'er be the mack'rel, 'tis surely a shame 
 To blame me, when none but yourself is to blame ; 
 Before your own door you allow'd me to cry them 
 Five days before you thought proper to buy them ! 
 
 TURNING THE GRINDSTONE When I was a little hoy, T re- 
 member one cold winter's morning I was accosted by a smiling 
 man with an axe on his shoulder: * My pretty boy,' said he, 'has 
 your father a grindstone?' 'Yes, sir/ said 1. 'You are a fine 
 "little fellow,' said he, 'will you let me grind my axe on it?' 
 Pleased with his compliment of fine little fellow,' ' O yes, Sir,' I 
 answered it is down in the shop.' 'And will you, my man,' said 
 he, patting me on the head, ' get a little hot water ?' How could I 
 refuse? I ran and soon brought a kettleful. 'How old are you 
 and what's your name ?' continued he, without waiting for a reply 
 ' I am sure you are one of the finest lads that ever I have seen 
 will you just turn a few minutes for me ?' Tickled with the flat- 
 tery,' like a fool I went to work, and bitterly did I rue the day. It 
 was a new axe, and I toiled and tugged till I was tired to death. 
 The School-bell rang, and I could not get away : my hands were 
 blistered and it was not half ground. At length, however, the axe 
 was sharpened, and the man turned to me with, ' Now you little 
 rascal, you've played the truant, scud to school or you'll rue it.' 
 Alas! thought I it was hard enough to turn a grindstone this cold 
 day but now to be called a little rascal was too much. . It sunk 
 deep in my mind, and often have I thought of it since. When I 
 see a merchant over polite to his customers begging them to take 
 a little brandy, and throwing the goods on the counter thinks I 
 that man has an axe to grind. When I see a man flattering the 
 people making great professions of attachment to liberty, who is 
 in private life a tyrant methinks, look out, good people; that fel- 
 low would set you turning grindstones. When I see a man hoisted 
 into office by party spirit without a single qualification to render 
 him either respectable or useful alas; methinks, deluded people, 
 you are doomed for a season to turn a grindstone for a booby. 
 
206 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A MAIDEN'S EXERCISE. A young lady, when told to take exer- 
 cise for her health, said she would jump at an offer and run her 
 o\vu risk. 
 
 An ancient impertinent rhyme, divides female beauty into four 
 orders as follows. 
 
 Long and lazy, little, and loud, 
 Fair and foolish, dark and proud. 
 
 Arrant scandal ! The following is the true reading : 
 
 Tall and splendid, little and neat, 
 Fair and pleasant, dark and sweet. 
 
 Or, the exact translation : 
 
 Hi.irh and beauteous, little and witty, 
 Fair and lovely, and pretty. 
 
 How MR. SMITHSON WAS HOOKED. A Lesson for Despairing 
 Spinsters. Mr Smithson (an improvement on the name of Smith) 
 wished to take Miss Brownly (another improvement to the opera. 
 He had been on terms of intimacy with the female for about five 
 years, but ' never spoke of love ;' on the contrary, he had frequent- 
 ly declared his intentions of leading a bachelor life. One morn- 
 ing he put his hand on the bell handle and was admitted. ' Oh, 
 James,' exclaimed Miss Jane,' where have you kept youreself so 
 long ?' this took Smilhson a little aback for he had spent the pre- 
 eeeding evening with the family. Before he could answer, how- 
 ever, Jane's brothers and sisters (eight or ten in number) had 
 gathered about him. Summoning all his courage, he said, ' I have 
 to ask you , 4 Not here, James not now oh !' ' That is,' 
 stammered Smithson, 'if you are not engaged ' * Oh, oh! water 
 quick,' shrieked Jane. ' What's that?' inquired her father, ' who 
 says she's engaged ?' 'Ididnlmean 'said Smithson, in confu- 
 sion. ' Of course not,' continued Mr. Brownly, ' you couldn't sup- 
 pose such a, thing, when you have always been our favourite. 
 Then advancing and taking poor Smithson by the hand, he said 
 Take her, my boy, she's a good girl, loves you to distraction.' 
 May you both be as happy as the days are long/ Thereupon 
 mother and children crowded upon Smithson and wished him joy, 
 and company coming in at the moment, the affair was told to them 
 as a profound secret. So Smithson got a wife without popping 
 the question, and almost before he knew it himself. But we can- 
 not help thinking he was hurried into matrimony. 
 
MERKT COMPANION. 207 
 
 JOCUNDERS. 
 
 CHINESE SAYINGS. A drunkard's nose is said to he a 'light- 
 Louse, warning us of the little water that passes underneath. 
 
 ECONOMY OF EXPRESSION. ' In short, ladies and gentlemer,' 
 said an overpowered orator, ' I can only say I hep; leave to add 
 I desire to assure you that I wish I had a window in my bo- 
 som that you might see the emotions of my heart 1" Vulgar boy 
 in the gallery: ' Wouldn't -a pane in your stomach do this time?' 
 
 A POSITIVE CASE. The following cure for the gout is taken 
 from an old work: 1st. The person must pick a handkerchief from 
 the pocket of a maid of fifty years, who has never had a wish to 
 change her condition ; 2nd. He must wash it in an honest miller's 
 pond ; 3rd. He must dry it on a parson's hedge who was never 
 covetous ; 4th. He must send it to a doctor's shop who never kil- 
 led a patient; 5th. He must mark it with a lawyer's ink who 
 never "cheated a client; 6th. Apply it to the part affected, and a 
 cure will speedily follow. 
 
 l Ma, whereabouts in the mnp shall I find the Stnte of Matri- 
 mony ?' l Oh, my clear, that is one of the United States.' 
 
 THE RISING GENERATION. Young .Lady ^ Now, then, you 
 tiresome boy, what is it you wish to say to me that so nearly con- 
 cerns your happiness?' 
 
 Juvenile. ' Why, 1 love yer, and can't be 'appy without yer. 
 
 A VAJLENTINE. ' Dear Jem, Missus says she won't let me go 
 out. but I will, and no mistake ; so ft you'll have me I'Jl have you, 
 JUKI there's an end of that; and now it's ail out, and so is the five, 
 ana she may light it herself, and clean master's boots too, but don't 
 foriret the ring and my new bonnet. 
 
 Your loving Valentine, ' BETSY SNAP.' 
 
 'Which is the best shop to get a fiddle at?' asked a pupil of 
 Tom Cooke, the musician. * An apothecary's shop,' answered the 
 wa?; ; ' because if you buy a drug there, they alwa)s give you a 
 vial in* 
 
 'Get away! get away!' said an embarrassed matron to-house- 
 less Pat, who was begv_}g a night's lodging, 'this is v no place {'or 
 you. Go away, for shame! this is the lying-in-hospital/ k Och, 
 indeed, then,' replied the outcast, 4 its the very place for me, for I've 
 been lying out these three nights.' 
 
203 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 'John,' screamed a country girl, seated by the side of her dull 
 lover, 'leave me alone!' John, astonished, cried, ' Why, I aint a 
 touching yer!' * No,' replied she, 'but you might have done if 
 you liked/ 
 
 There is a boy ' down west' so exceedingly bright, that his fa- 
 ther uses him instead of a looking-glass to shave by. 
 
 CHANGING A NAME. A western paper announces the marriage 
 of Miss Polly Schrecongost. We unite in congratulating her. 
 She did well to change her name. What a pity it is that John 
 Ollenbaubengrapensteinershobenbicher (who it appears has got a 
 letter in the Baltimore Post-office) could not get off his name by 
 an equally agreeable process. The ladies have the advantage in 
 ' this respect. 
 
 ' Methinks your kindness freezes,' as the man said to the pump, 
 one cold morning in January, when he came to take his breakfast 
 and found it frozen up. 
 
 Tom Treddlehoyle, in a letter to a south country former, says 
 * Mun ye naw nowt abaght agricultur consarns e yor country like 
 v/ot we do, noa nor hoaf, for we muk ar cloises here e Yorksher we 
 Jolianna! 
 
 A young lady who was rebuked by her mother for kissing her 
 intended, justified herself by quoting the passage ' Whatsoever ye 
 would that men should do unto you, do ye even so unto them.' 
 
 A native of Washington has just invented a new system of short- 
 band, which has been tried with great success in the House of 
 representatives. In a speech of an hour's duration, the reporter 
 \vas enabled to get twenty minutes a-head of the speaker. 
 
 A hatter told a customer once, when ordering a new hat, that the 
 one he had previously supplied him with was a good one, a statement 
 \vhich the customer disputed. ' Why,' said the hatter, ' it must 
 have been a good one, for you cannot deny that you have worn it 
 above two (y) ears.' 
 
 ' Three-and-sixpence per gal !' exclaimed Mrs, Partington, on 
 looking over the Price Current. * Why, bless me, what is the 
 world coming to, when the gals are valued at only three-aml-six- 
 pence !' The old lady pulled off her spectacles, threw down the 
 paper, and went into a brown study on the want of a proper ap- 
 preciation of the true value of the feminine geiiuer. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 200 
 
 THE SAWING DOWN OF ANCIENT SAWS. 'There's no rose 
 without a thorn.' Yes, there is ; there's the prim-rose. 
 
 4 It is not good for man to be alone.' Yes, it is ; when he has 
 only dinner enough for one. 
 
 4 'Delays are dangerous.' No, they're not; when a man thinks 
 of marrying, or is going to be hanged. 
 
 * OUT of darkness cometh forth light,' as the printer's devil said 
 when he looked into the ink-keg. 
 
 MY uncle P- was an awful snorer. He could be heard 
 
 farther than a blacksmith's forge ; but my aunt became so accus- 
 tomed to it that it soothed her repose. They were a very domestic 
 couple never slept apart for many years. At length, my uncle 
 was required to attend assizes at some distance. The first night 
 after his departure my aunt never slept a wink ; she missed the 
 snoring. The second night passed away in the same way without 
 sleep. She was getting into a very bad way, and probably would 
 have died, had it not been for the ingenuity of a servant girl she 
 took the coffee-mill into my aunt's chamber and ground tier t > 
 sleep at once ! I 
 
 A GHOST IN LOVE. The Abeille Cauchoise tells the following 
 story: ' A few nights ago a worthy farmer, living near Yvetoi, 
 who had lately become a widower, was aroused at midnight by the 
 loud barking of his dog. On going to it the animal displayed ex- 
 treme terror, whereupon the farmer took his gun and proceeded to 
 an inspection. All at once he saw a horrid phantom, clothed in a 
 white sheet, rise behind the hedge. The farmer turned deadly 
 pale, and his limbs shook with dismay. He, however, contrived 
 to ejaculate, ' If you come from God, speak ; if from the devil, van- 
 ish !' * Wretch !' exclaimed the phantom, ' I am your deceased 
 
 wife, come from the grave to warn you not to marry Marie A , 
 
 to whom you are making love. She is unworthy to share thy bed. 
 
 The only woman to succeed me is Henriette B . Marry her, 
 
 or persecujlpji and eternal torment shall be your doom!* This 
 strange address from the goblin, instead of dismaying the farmer, 
 restored his courage. He accordingly rushed on the ghostly vis- 
 itor, and, stripping off its sheet, discovered the fair Henrietta 
 B herself, looking excessively foolish. It is said that the far- 
 mer, admiring the girl's trick, has had the banns published for his 
 marriage with her.' 
 
 K 
 
210 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 BENEFIT OF ADVERTISING. E. D. W. Clifford, a young gen- 
 tleman living in Leavenworth, Indiana, recently advertised in the 
 Louisville Democrat for a wife. He writes to the editor that he 
 is thoroughly convinced of the advantages of advertising. He 
 says he has received, in answer to the advertisement, 794 letters, 
 thirteen daguerreotype likeness of ladies, two gold finger-rings, 
 seventeen locks of hair, one copy of Ike Marvel's 'Reveries of a 
 Bachelor,' one thimble, and two dozen shirt buttons. He ought 
 to be convinced, 
 
 A WITTY POLICEMAN OUTWITTED One Sunday, a few 
 weeks ago, as one of the country policemen was on duty near the 
 canal, a few miles from Preston, he saw three young men on the 
 canal side playing at dominoes. One of them said to his com- 
 panions : * Tom ! con ta come ?' Tom said : ' No !* ' Bill ! con ta 
 come?' Bill answered, 'No!' But the policeman, jumping over 
 the hedge, said : ' / can come !' and seized the one who had been 
 asking the question. The others decamped. The policeman took 
 him along the canal side a short distance, when the captive asked 
 him not to stick to him, as people would think he had been steal- 
 ing. The policeman left loose, on the lad promising not to at- 
 tempt to escape ; but before they had gone many yards further, 
 the captive plunged into the canal, to the dismay of the witty po- 
 liceman, and swam to the opposite side of the water ; when the 
 swimmer coolly seated himself on the bank, and, laughing, said : 
 'Policeman! con ta come?' The man in green declined taking 
 a cold bath, saying he could not come this time. 
 
 WESTERN ELOQUENCE. A stump orator in the West uses the 
 following appropriate language : ' If I'm elected to this office, I 
 will represent my constituents as the sea represents the earth, or 
 the night contrasts with the day. I will unrivet human society, 
 clean ail its parts, and screw them together again. I will correct 
 abuses, purge out all corruption, and go through the enemies of 
 our party like a rat through a new cheese. My chief recommen- 
 dations are, that at a public dinner given to , I ate more than 
 
 any two men at the table ; at the late election I put in three 
 votes for the party ; I've just bought a new suit of clothes that will 
 do to wear to Congress, and I've got the handsomest sister in old 
 Keutuck. 1 
 
 A TOAST. The Ladies! the only incendiaries that kindle a 
 flame which water will not put out. 
 
MERRY COMPANIOK. . 211 
 
 AN Ayshire gentleman, whose wife has born him a round dozen 
 of children, has got a circular letter printed, with blanks for hour 
 date, and sex, that he may save himself, in future, a world of wri 
 ling in apprising distant friends of accessions to his family. The 
 printer, on receiving the order, disinterestedly suggested to him 
 that Mrs. , having completed the dozen, would probably cease 
 from her labours. ' Not at all/ said the doomed man : ' her 
 mother was remarkably fond of strawberries, and she had nineteen 
 
 children. Mrs. , is just as fond of strawberries, and she'll 
 
 make the dozen a score. Like mother like daughter.' The prin- 
 ter, a bachelor, resolved to beware of women that had a passion 
 for strawberries. 
 
 A TOLERABLE BROAD HINT, Lady Isabel Finch, daughter of 
 the Earl of Winchelsea, was lady of the bed-chamber to the 
 Princess Amelia. Lord Bath, one evening, having no silver, bor- 
 rowed half-a-crown of her ; he sent it her next day, with a gallant 
 wish that he could give her a crown. She replied, that 'though 
 he could not give her a crown, he could give her a coronet, and 
 she was ready to accept of it.' 
 
 AT the examination of the children of the Windsor Infant 
 School, on Wednesday last, a little boy was asked to explain his 
 idea of ' bearing false witness against your neighbour/ Hesitating 
 a little, he said it was ' telling tales.' On which the worthy and 
 reverend examiner said, ' That is not exactly an answer. What 
 do you say ? addressing a little girl who stood next, when she im- 
 mediately replied, ' It was when nobody did nothing, and some- 
 body went and told of it/ ' Quite right,' said the examiner, amidst 
 irrepressible roars of laughter, in which he could not help joining, 
 the gravity of the whole proceeding being completely upset 
 
 MR. Dunlop, of the Green Isle, having brought an action 
 against Mrs. Wallace, formerly Miss Evans, for ' breach of prom- 
 ise/ she commenced a cross action, and gave proof that Mr. Dun- 
 lop failed to appear on the wedding-day; so she sent for Mr. 
 Wallace, who came and married her 4 like a man/ The lady won. 
 
 A reprobate once laid his worthy associate a bet of five shillings 
 hat he could not repeat the creed. It was accepted, and his 
 friend repeated the Lord's Prayer. 'Confound you!' cried the 
 former, who imagined that he had been listening to the creed, ' I 
 hud no idea you had such a memory. There's your money/ 
 
212 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 MAJOR AUSTIN'S LEFT LEG. You desire to know how I lost 
 my lower extremity. Did you never hear that it was snapped off 
 by a crocodile? If you did not, neither did I. It was lost no, 
 how can it he lost, when I know where it is, or was ? It was shot 
 off thus : We attacked the enemy early one morning ; and after 
 driving him before us, storming the village of Merxem, and con- 
 tinuing the pursuit till half-past two o'clock, and close up to the 
 gates of Antwerp, my left leg happened to meet with a twenty-four 
 pound ball, which came from the walls of the city, with sundry 
 other iron confits; and the said cannon-ball having it all its own 
 way, left me minus a left leg. I wish it had left it alone, for it 
 left me only one leg to stand on ; and yet I have a right leg and 
 a left leg still. And now there is nothing left to say about it, ex- 
 cept that the left limb was afterwards amputated by Staff-surgeon 
 Halliday and Samuel Cooper, the author of the Surgical Diction- 
 ary, who left it, the left limb, to be buried with a dead rifleman 
 (who was shot in the 'left lung), in the left side of a garden belong- 
 ing to a chateau on the left-\rand side of the road between Merxem 
 and Breschet; and the said left limb has left its fertilising influ- 
 ence behind, for the spot where it lies buried has produced lux- 
 uriant crops ever since, and has left the proprietor nothing more 
 to desire, except that he may be left in quiet possession of his in- 
 heritance. From this it will be seen that part of my left leg was 
 left on the battle field, and part of it was left in the left side of a 
 garden, behind a chateau at the left side of the road, in a country 
 which the tide has left to the inhabitants, and which I left without 
 regret ; that is, all that was left of me, after bidding farewell to the 
 parts left behind. 
 
 An extraordinary instance of the power of sleep on the animal 
 economy occurred a few days since. A dissipated young man, 
 who was a great sleeper, was thought by his family to be lying too 
 long ; and upon their going up to his room, they found nothing 
 in the bed but his night-cap. From certain circumstances con- 
 nected with physiology, a medical gentleman gave it as his opinion 
 that he had slept himself out. 
 
 Two countrymen, observing the female figures with pitchers in 
 their hands which support the porticoes of St. Pancras church, 
 wondered what they represented. ' They must be the foolish vir- 
 gins,' said one. ' They can't be neither,' replied the other : 4 there's 
 only four of 'em.' 'Oh, it's all right,' replied the friend; 4 the 
 other is gone for the oil, you may depend on't.' 
 
MEEEY COMPANION 213 
 
 SETTLING A BILL. Four sharpers having treated themselves 
 to a sumptuous dinner at the Hotel Montreuil were at a loss how 
 to settle tor it, and hit on the following plan . They called for 
 the waiter, and asked for the hill. One thrust his hand into his 
 pocket, as if to draw his purse ; the second prevented him, de- 
 claring he would pay ; the third did the same. The fourth for- 
 hade the waiter taking any money from either of them, but all 
 three persisted. As none would yield, one said, l The best way to 
 decide is to blindfold the waiter, and whoever he first catches shall 
 settle the bill.' This proposition was accepted, and while the 
 waiter was groping his way around the room, they slipped out of 
 the house, one after another. 
 
 AT breakfast one morning in that quiet and comfortable old inn, 
 the White Swan, in York, a foreigner made quick dispatch with 
 the eggs. Thrusting his spoon into the middle, he drew out the 
 yolk, devoured it, and passed on to the next. When he had got 
 to his seventh egg, an old fanner, who had already been prejudiced 
 against monsieur by his moustaches, could brook the extravagance 
 no longer, and speaking up, said, * Why, sir, you leave all the 
 white! How is Mrs. Lockwood to afford to provide breakfast at 
 that rate?' 4 Vy,' replied the outside barbarian, ' you vouldn't hah 
 me to eat de vite? De yolk is de shicken : de vite de fedders. 
 Am I to make von bolster of my belly ?' The fanner was dumb- 
 foundered. 
 
 A SUFFOLK farmer, who had a goose stolen from him, com- 
 plained to the curate, and begged of his reverence to assist him 
 in getting back his goose. Accordingly, when the curate ascended 
 the pulpit on the following Sunday, he desired all his congregation 
 to sit down, and when they had obeyed, he said, 4 Why sit ye not 
 down?' They replied, 'We are already seated.' 'Nay,' rejoined 
 the curate, 'he who stole the goose sitteth not.' 'Yes, that I do!' 
 exclaimed the guilty party. 'Sayest thou that?' replied the cu- 
 rate ; ' I charge thee, on pain of excommunication, to bring the 
 goose back again/ The sequel need not be related. 
 
 AMERICAN SHREWDNESS. ' My child, take these eggs to the 
 store, and if you can't get ninepence a dozen, bring them back.' 
 Jemmy went as directed, and came back again, saying, 'Mother, 
 let me alone for a trade : they all tried to get 'em for a shilling, 
 but I screwed 'em to ninepence.' 
 
214 MEEET COMPANION. 
 
 THE LAY OF A LOST BACHELOR. A poor American bachelor, 
 having sacrificed himself on the altar of Hymen, exclaims : 
 
 Oh ! when I think of what I ar, 
 
 And what I used to was, 
 I find I've flung" myself away 
 
 "Without sufficient cos. 
 
 CONFLICT OF WITS. Dr. Chalmers, in a letter to his daughter 
 Fanny, gives her an account of his encounter with a London hair- 
 dresser, June 26, 1833: " Got a hairdresser to clip me a great 
 humourist: he undertook, at the commencement of the operation, 
 to make me look forty years younger, hy cutting out every white 
 hair and leaving all the black ones. There was a very bright cor- 
 uscation of clever sayings that passed between us while the process 
 was going on. I complimented his profession, and told him that 
 he had the special advantage that his crop grew in all weathers, 
 and that while I had heard all over the provinces the heavy com- 
 plaints of a bad hay-harvest, his haymaking in the metropolis went 
 on pleasantly and prosperously all the year round. He was par- 
 ticularly pleased with the homage I rendered to his peculiar voca- 
 tion, and assured me, after he had performed his work, that he had 
 at least made me thirty years younger. I told him how delighted 
 my wife would be with the news of this wondrous transformation, 
 and gave him half-a-crown, observing that it was little enough for 
 having turned me into a youthful Adonis. We parted in a roar 
 of laughter, and great mutual satisfaction with each other.' 
 
 QUICK IN HER APPLICATION. 'It amazes me ministers don't 
 write better sermons; I am sick of the dull, prosy affairs/ said a 
 lady, in the presence of a parson. 
 
 4 But it is no easy matter, my good woman, to write good ser- 
 mons,' suggested the minister. 
 
 ' Yes,' rejoined the lady, ' but you are so long about it ; I could 
 write one in half the time, if I only had the text.' 
 
 ' Oh, if a text is all you want,' said the parson, ' I will furnish 
 that. Take this from Solomon : 4 It is better to dwell in a corner 
 of a house-top, than with a brawling woman in a wide house/* 
 
 ' Do you mean me, sir ?' inquired the lady, quickly. 
 
 * Oh, my good woman,* was the grave response, ' you will never 
 make a good sermonizer ; you are too quick in your application.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 215 
 
 THE PEER AND THE PAINTER. The Duke of Somerset (a Sey- 
 mour), commonly called the proud Duke, employed Seymour, the 
 painter, to paint the portraits of his horses at Petworth. One day 
 at dinner the duke filled his glass, and saying with a sneer, ' Cousin 
 Seymour, your health,' drank it off. * My lord,* said the artist, ' I 
 believe I have the honour of being related to your grace. 1 The 
 proud peer rose from the table, and ordered his steward to dismiss 
 the presumptuous painter, and employ an humbler brother of the 
 brush. This was accordingly done ; but when the new painter saw 
 the spirited works of his predecessor, he shook his head, and retir- 
 ing said, * No man in England can compete with James Seymour.' 
 The duke now condescended to recall his discarded cousin. ' My 
 lord/ was the answer of Seymour, ' 1 will now prove to the world 
 that I am of your blood I won't come !' Upon receiving this la- 
 conic reply, the duke sent his steward to demand a former loan of 
 100. Seymour briefly replied that 4 he would write to his grace ;' 
 he did so, but directed his letter, * Opposite the Trunk-maker's, 
 Charing Cross.' Enraged at this additional insult, the duke threw 
 the letter into the fire without opening it, and immediately ordered 
 his steward to have him arrested. But Seymour, struck with an 
 opportunity of evasion, carelessly observed that ' it was hasty in his 
 grace to burn his letter, because it contained a bank note of 100, 
 and that therefore they were now quits.' 
 
 A " STUMP SPEECH." Americans, our republic is yet destined 
 to re-annex South America, to occupy the Russian possessions, as 
 well as those British colonies, which the old thirteen colonies won 
 from the French on the plains of Abraham all rightfully ours to 
 occupy. Faneuil Hall was the cradle of the republic, but whar, 
 whar will be found timber enough for its coffin ? Scoop all the 
 water from out the Atlantic Ocean, and its bed would not afford 
 sufficient for its corpse. And yet America is still in the gristle of 
 its boyhood. Europe ! what is Europe ? She is nowhar nothing 
 a circumstance a cypher a land absolutely ideal. We have 
 faster steamboats, swifter locomotives, larger creeks, bigger plan- 
 tations, better mill privileges, broader lakes, higher mountains, 
 deeper cataracts, louder thunder, forkeder lightning, braver men, 
 hansenimer weemen, more money than England dar have. 
 
 'You are writing my bill on very rough paper,' said a client to 
 his attorney. 'Never mind,' replied the attorney, 'it has to b(< 
 filed before it comes into court.' 
 
216 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A CLERICAL ERROR. A Somersetshire couple, brother and 
 sister, went lately to church as bridegroom and bridesmaid ; and 
 the parish-clerk, supposing them to be the s happy pair' unattended, 
 ushered them up to the parson, who got ' under way' immediately, 
 first whispering to his colleague that 'he must give the bride 
 away/ The young people, innocent of all previous knowledge of 
 the marriage ceremony, concluded that his reverence was eco- 
 nomically filling up the time until the bride and her friends 
 arrived ; but when the ring was demanded, a light broke in upon 
 the bridegroom, an explanation ensued, the parson went off in a 
 fume, the clerk was inclined to smile, and brother and sister, as 
 soon as it was prudent, laughed outright. 
 
 THE POETRY OF NATURE. 
 
 The female form is beautiful and elesrant to see, 
 Array'd in silk and satinet, and muslin drapery ; 
 Oh, when I see a lady fair dress* d in fashion's height, 
 1 smile, as to myself I say, * How exquisite a slight !' 
 
 But when I think upon the price of all those things a yard, 
 The pleasure of the spectacle is always sadly murr'd ; 
 And whilst I add the items up, I sigh in deep distress, 
 And say, 'Oh, what a deal it costs to pay for such a dress !* 
 
 AN UNBIDDEN GUEST. We had an odd circumstance happen 
 to us on Wednesday. Just as we were beginning our breakfast, 
 a well-dressed woman, in a silk gown and muff, entered the room. 
 ' 1 am come to take a little breakfast,' said she. Down she laid 
 muff, took a chair, and sat down by the fire. We thought she was 
 mad, but she looked so stupid that we soon found out that was not 
 the case. Sure enough', breakfast she did. I was obliged once to 
 go down and laugh. My mother and Edith behaved very well, 
 but Margery could not come into the room. When the good lady 
 had done, she rose, and asked what she had to pay ? ' Nothing, 
 ma'am,' said my mother. 'Nothing! Why, how is this?' 'I 
 don't know how it is,' said my mother, and smiled, ' but so it is.' 
 4 What, don't you keep a public house?' 'No, indeed, ma'am; 
 so we had half a-hundred apologies, and the servant had a shilling. 
 We had a good morning's laugh for ourselves, and a good story 
 for our friends, and she had a very good breakfast. Soutkeys 
 
MERRY COMPANION". 217 
 
 AN OLD GENTLEMAN'S THOUGHT. Methinlcs to kiss ladies' 
 Lands after their lips, as some do, is like little boys, who, after they 
 eat the apple, fall on the paring, out of love they have to the apple. 
 
 YOUTH is a glorious invention. While the girls chase tne hours, 
 and you chase the girls, the months seem to dance away, " with 
 down upon their feet." What a pity summer is so short! before 
 you know it, lovers become deacons, and romps, grandmothers. 
 
 IN a lesson in parsing the sentence, 'Man courting in capacity 
 of bliss,' &c. the word courting came to a young miss of fourteen 
 to parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough 
 until she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. 
 But as the teacher said, ' Very well, what does it agree with ?' 
 Ellen blushed, and held down her head. ' Ellen, don't you know 
 what courting agrees with?' 'Ye ye yes, ma'am/ 'Well, 
 Ellen, why don't you parse that word ? What does it agree with ?' 
 Blushing still more and stammering, Ellen at last said, 'It agrees 
 with all the girls, ma'am !' 
 
 MRS. PARTINGTON IN COURT. ' I took my knitting-work and 
 went up into the gallery,' said Mrs. Partington, after visiting one 
 of the New York courts: 'and after I had digested my specs, I 
 looked down into the room ; but I couldn't see any courting going 
 on. An old gentleman seemed to be asking a good many imper- 
 tinent questions just like some old folks and people were sit- 
 ting round making minutes of the conversation. I don't see how 
 they made out what was said, for they all told different stories. 
 How much easier it would be to get along if they all told the same 
 story. What a sight of trouble it would save the lawyers! The 
 case, as they called it, was given to the jury, but I couldn't see it, 
 and a gentleman with a long pole was made to swear that he'd 
 keep an eye on 'em, and see that they didn't run away with it. 
 Bimeby in they come agin, and then they said somebody was 
 guilty of something, who had just said he was innocent, and didn't 
 know nothing about it no more than the little baby that never had 
 any subsistence. I come away soon afterward, but I couldn't help 
 thinking how trying it must be to sit there all day, shut out from 
 the blessed air!' 
 
 Ink is the Black Sea in which thought rides at anchor. 
 
218 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 Hood gives this graphic picture of an irritahle man : " He lies 
 like a hedgehog rolled up the wrong way, tormenting himself with 
 his prickles.'*' 
 
 WIDDERS. A young Tipperavy widow, Nelly McPhee, I think 
 he called her, was courted, and actually had an offer from Tooley 
 O'Shane, on the way to her husband's funeral. * She accepted, of 
 course,' said Grossman. * No, she didn't,' said Smith. ' Tooiev, dear/ 
 said she, 4 y're toolate ; fo;>r waaks ago it was, I shook hands wi' Patty 
 Sweenev upon it, that I would have him in a dacent time arter 
 poor McPhee went anunderboord.' 4 Well/ said Grossman, 
 'widows of all nations are much alike. There was a Dutch wo- 
 man, whose husband, Diedrick Van Pronk, died and left her in- 
 consolable. He was buried on Copp's Hill. Folks said grief 
 would kill that widow. She had a figure of wood carved, that 
 looked very like her late husband, and placed it in her bed, and 
 constantly kept it there for several months. In about halt a year, 
 she became interested in a young shoemaker, who took the length 
 of her foot, and finally married her. He had visited the widow nut 
 more than a fortnight, when the servants told her they were out of 
 kindling stuff, and asked what should be done. After a pause, the 
 widow replied, in a very quiet way : Maype it ish veil enough now, 
 to sphlit up old Van Pronk, vat ish up slitair.' 
 
 PUTTING THE QUESTION. 'Sally, don't I like you?' 'La 
 Jim, I reckon so.' 
 
 * But don't you know it, Sally ? Don't you think I'd tear the 
 eyes out of any tom-cat that dares to look at you for a second ?' 
 4 1 s'spect you would/ 
 
 4 Well, the fact of it is, Sally, I ' * Now don't, Jim ; you're 
 
 too sudden/ 
 
 ' And, Sally, I want you to ' ' Don't say anything more 
 
 now ; I will ' 
 
 4 But it must be done immediately ; I want you to ' * Oh, 
 
 hush! don't, don't say any more ' 
 
 'I want you to-night to get ' 'What! so soon? Oh, 
 
 no impossible ! Father and mother would be angry at me. 
 
 ' How ? be mad for doing me such a favour as to in ' 4 Yes, 
 
 dear me! Oh, what a feeling !' 
 
 ' But there is some mistake ; for all I want to have you do, is to 
 tnend my trowsers /' 
 
 Sally could hear no more. She threw up her arms, and, scream- 
 ing hysterically, fainted away as dead as a log. 
 

 MERRY COMPANION. 219 
 
 THE BUTCHER AND THE FAT FKIAUS. There is a village be- 
 tween Niort and Rochefort, named Grip, belonging to the Count 
 de Fois. One day, two Cordeliers coming from Niort arrived late 
 nt this place ; they obtained hospitality from a worthy butcher and 
 his wife, who, having given them supper, put them to sleep in a 
 chamber next their own. As the partition was cracked, the two 
 friars put their ears to a chink in order to know what the butcher 
 and his wife talked about in bed. It so happened that the butcher 
 began to talk about business and said, * My dear, I must get up 
 to-morrow very early to look after our cordeliers ; one of them is so 
 very fat that it is time he should be killed and salted, for pork 
 bears a high price in the market/ The listeners, not aware that 
 cordelier was in this part of the country, a cant name for pigs, were 
 terribly frightened. The elder of the two, began to confess his 
 sins to his companion ; but the younger proposed that they should 
 make their escape by the window, and opening it, sprung lightly 
 to the ground. The fat monk attempting to follow, slipped, and 
 so injured his leg that he could not stand, and deserted by his 
 friend he sought some hiding-place, but could find no shelter ex- 
 cept in the pig-stye, where he lay groaning the rest of the night 
 In the morning the butcher having sharpened his knife, went to 
 the stye accompanied by his wife and servants, opening the door, 
 he exclaimed, ' Come out, come out, my cordeliers, I must have 
 black puddings for dinner to-day.' The terrified monk jumped out 
 roaring for mercy, and the no less terrified butcher threw himseir 
 upon his knees demanding absolution for the sacrilege of mistaking 
 for a pig a follower of St. Francis. This scene of cross purposes 
 lasted more than a quarter of an hour, but at length mutual ex- 
 planations turned their fear into merriment. A troop of horses 
 sent to the rescue by the fugitive brother, came just in time to 
 share the joke, which furnished laughter for all the country round. 
 
 MURPHY was going to his work early one morning, and was met 
 by a friend who knew that Murphy's married sister, with whom he 
 lodged, was expected to add a unit to the population, ' Well, is 
 there any news ol your sister this morning ?' ' Oh, then, indeed 
 there is, I'm glad to tell you ; and all's nicely over ; thanks to the 
 same any how.' ' And is it a boy or a girl ?' ' By the powers, now, 
 and if I havn't forgotten to ask whether I am an uncle or an aunt !' 
 
 A STERN PREMONITION. * I aint a going to live long, mammy. 
 * Why not, you sarpent ?' ' 'Cause my trowsers is all tored out 
 behind/ 
 
220 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 THE editor of the Louisville Journal, retorting a charge of per- 
 sonal ugliness against a contemporary, says: 'We are credibly 
 informed, that alter the birth of Harvey, none but handsome ba- 
 bies were born for several years; all the ugly material in the uni- 
 verse was used up in his creation.' 
 
 SEASONABLE DEFINITIONS. 
 
 SNOW. Winter's dressing gown. 
 
 ICE. The sheet of the river's bed. 
 
 ICICLES. Nature's pendants manufactured from gems of the purest 
 water. 
 
 i)K\v. A bill drawn by Nig-ht and Co., taken up and accepted by 
 the Sun. 
 
 FOG. The cloud's embrace. 
 
 * Shall we take a 'bus at Charing Cross?' said a young Cockney, 
 who was showing the wonders of the metropolis to his country 
 cousin. 'O dear, no !' said the alarmed maiden, 'I could not al- 
 low such a thing in so public a thoroughfare !' 
 
 SOME days ago, a pretty bright little juvenile friend, some five 
 years of age, named Rosa, was teazed a good deal by a gentleman 
 who visits the family ; he finally wound up by saying : ' Rosa, I 
 don't love you. 1 'Ah, but you've got to love me," said the child. 
 'How so?' asked her tormentor. 'Why,' said Rosa, 'the Bible 
 says you must love them that hate you, and I am sure I hate you> 
 
 As a dandy was wending his way through a narrow passage, he 
 met a pretty girl, and said to her, ' Pray, my dear, what do yon call 
 this passage?' ' Balaam's passage,* she replied, ' Ah, then (said 
 he) I am like Balaam stopped by an angel.' ' And I (rejoined 
 tbe girl, as she pushed past him) am like the angel stopped by 
 an ass/ 
 
 SEASONABLE. Bury berries ; be chary of cherries ; suspend the 
 currency of currants ; appease your hunger without peas; do not 
 buy shell-fish of those who are selfish enough to sell fish ; don't 
 be among those who, at night, are out in the night air ; and drink 
 from the well if you wish to be among the well. Well ! 
 
MEE11Y COMPANION. 221 
 
 THE TRIUMPH OF A TRAVELLING MESMERIST IN A 
 DIFFICULTY. 
 
 THE Author of "Sam Slick," observes, in the course of a work 
 he has just published, that the trials to which travelling mesmerists 
 are put, are at times humiliating 1 and painful enough, albeit they afford 
 infinite sport to unbelievers. One poor fellow, on arriving- at a town in 
 Detroit to lecture, was surrounded by several citizens, who told him 
 there was a rheumatic patient up stairs, who must be cured, or he 
 himself would be escorted out of town astride of a rail, with the ac- 
 companying- ceremonies. We had better give the rest of the story as 
 it was related by the disciple of Mesuier himself: 
 
 Up stairs I went with 'em, mad as thunder, I tell you : first at being 
 thoug-ht a humbug-, and next, thut my individooal share of the Ameri- 
 can eagle should be compelled into a measure by thunder. I'd a gin 
 'em a fight, if it hadn't ben for the science, which would a suffered, 
 anyhow, so I jest said to myself, "Let 'em bring- on their rheunuttiz 
 I felt as if I could a mesmerised a horse, and I determined vrh&tever 
 the case mig-ht be, I'd make it squeal, by thunder! 
 
 "Here he is!" said they ; and in we all bundled into a room, g-a- 
 thering- round a bed, with me shut in among- 'em, and the cussea big 
 onenlig-htened heathen that did the talking, drawing out an almighty 
 bowie-knife at the same time. 
 
 "That's your man!" said he. Well, there lay a miserable-looking 
 critter, with his eye sot and his mouth opened and his jaws got wider 
 and wider as he saw the crowd and the bowie-knife, I teii you ! 
 
 "That's the idea!" said old Big Jngin. 
 
 "Rise up in that bed!" said I, and I tell you what, I must a looked 
 at him dreadful for up he jumped on eend, as if he'd jest got a streak 
 of galvanic. 
 
 " Git out on this floor !" said I, with a wuss lock, and I wish I may 
 be shot if out he didn't come, lookin' wild, I tell ye ! 
 
 " Now, cut dirt, drot you ! ' screamed I, and, Jehu Gineral Jackson, 
 if he didn't make a straight shirt tail for the door, may I never make 
 another pass ' After him I went, and after ine they cum, and pei haps 
 there wasn't the orlullest stampede down three pair of stairs that ever 
 occured in Michigan ! Down cut old rheumatiz through the bar-room 
 out I cut after him over went the stove in the rush after botn of 
 us. I chased him round two square in the snow at tliat then neud- 
 ed him off and chased him to hotel agin, where he landed in u fine 
 sweat, begged for his life, and said he'd give up the m-operty ! Well, 
 I wish I may be shot if he wasn't a feller that they were offerm a 
 reward for in Buffalo! I made him dress himself cured of his rheu- 
 matiz run it right out him ; delivered him up, pocketed the reward, 
 and established the science, by thunder ! 
 
 Alcohol is the high priest of death ; aud Tobacco is his chief 
 deacon. 
 
222 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 NOT READING FAR ENOUGH. A member of the Society of 
 Friends happening one day to meet two Oxford Scholars, one of 
 them remarked to his companion that they would have some sport 
 with ' Broadbrim, 1 and immediately gave him a slap on the cheek, 
 saying, 4 Thou Quaker, it is written, ' If one smite thee on the right 
 cheek, turn to him the other also." * Thou hast not read far enough/ 
 said our friend ; * turn thou over the other leaf, and there thou wilt 
 find that ' with whatsoever measure thou metest, it shall he mea- 
 sured to thee again/* at the same time giving the Oxonian a 
 * whack' that sent him reeling to the other side of the road. 
 
 LOVE. 
 
 No no my love is no rose 
 That only in sunshine buds and grows, 
 And but to blue skies will its blooms unclcse, 
 
 That withers away 
 
 In an autumn day, 
 And dies in a dream of drifting snows ; 
 
 No no my love is no rose. 
 
 No no my love is no rose ; 
 My love is the holly that ever is green, 
 Whether breezes are balmy or blasts are keen, 
 
 The same that is still 
 
 In days sullen and chill 
 As when snow'd with blossoms the orchards are seen ; 
 
 No no mv love is no rose. 
 
 I don't blame the people for complaining about the extrava- 
 gance and costiveness of government,' said Mrs. Partington, as 
 she was reading an ardent appeal to the people in a newspaper. 
 ' 1 dont blame *em a mite. Here they are now gwine to canvass- 
 ing the state. Gracious me ! as if the airth wasn't good enough 
 for *em to walk on. I wonder why they didn't have ile cloth or 
 kidminster instead of canvass and have done with it. ' And I 
 heard, aunt, yesterday,' saia Ike, * that some of 'em were going to 
 scour the country to get voters/ Continued she, * that would be 
 better than throwing dust in people's eyes, that Paul used to tell 
 about. Canvassing the state, indeed !' She fell into an abstrac- 
 tion upon the schemes of politicians, and took seven pinches of 
 snuff in rapid succession to aid her deliberation. 
 
MEERT COMPANION. 223 
 
 BACHELOR'S WOES. What a pitiful thing an old bachelor is 
 with his cheerless house arid rueful ."'phiz, on a bitter cold night 
 when the fierce winds blow, when the earth is covered a foot with 
 snow; when the fire is out, and in shivering dread he slips 'neath 
 the sheets of his lonely bed. How he draws up his toes, encased 
 in yarn hose, and buries his nose beneath his chilly bed-clothes ; 
 that his nose and his toes, still encased in yarn hose, may not 
 chance to get froze. Then he puffs and blows, and he swears he 
 knows no mortal on earth ever sufferd such woes, and with ahs ! 
 and with ohs ! and with limbs so disposed, that neither his toe ! 
 nor his nose may be froze, to his slumber he goes. In the morn 
 when the cock crows, and the sun has just rose, from beneath the 
 bed-clothes pops the bachelors nose ; and you may suppose, when 
 he hears the wind blows, and sees the window all froze, why, back 
 'neath the covers pops the poor fellow's nose; for full well he 
 knows, if from the bed he rose, to put on his clothes, that he'd 
 surely be froze. 
 
 ANECDOTE OF GEORGE STEPHENSON. The Rev. Dr. Stowell, 
 of Cheshunt, late of Rotherham, in a speech recently delivered in 
 Liverpool, gives the following story concerning George Stephen- 
 son : After they had returned and had dinner, George Stephen- 
 son told them, when he was at Brussels, he was to be introduced 
 to the King of the Belgians. There was one dandy fellow, a very 
 fine gentleman, called upon him, and said he wanted to consult him 
 in a matter of some importance. * Well,' said Mr. Stephensori, 
 ' what is it about?' * Well, I understand from Lord so-and-so, 1 
 am to have the honour of a presentation to his Majesty the King 
 of the Belgians.'^ 4 Very well,' said George. ' And, Mr. Stephen- 
 son,' continued the dandy, ' I know you are a gentleman of very 
 extensive experience, and I wish to consult you. What do you 
 think is the most appropriate colour for gloves ?' ' I tell you 
 what,' said George ; * my mother gave me a pair of gloves when I 
 was born, and I tell you, maister, I dunna mean to put any other 
 gloves on ; and if the King of the Belgians won't have George 
 Stephenson with the gloves his mother gave him, clean washed, 
 then good morning to the King of the Belgians.' 
 
 NUN.- A mystery to us from which we beg leave to decline the 
 trouble of attempting to remove the veil. 
 
224 MEERY COMPANION. 
 
 THIEVES OF THE NEW HATS. An elegantly dressed gentleman 
 ordered, some time ago, at a Parisian hatter's, twenty-five hats of 
 an entirely new form. The maker, when they were finished, tried 
 one on, and finding that it became him, made a twenty-sixth for 
 his own personal use. The individual who had v given the order 
 called punctually for them, and paid cheerfully. The next Sunday, 
 the hatter gave his new head-piece an airing in the Champs Ely- 
 sees. When at the Road Point, he observed several persons adorned 
 with the coverings he had made. One came up to him, and said, 
 with a peculiar wink, 'A good day for booty this, and no police 
 about !' Well, thought the hatter, I should not wonder i'f I had been 
 making hats to serve as a rallying signal to members of a secret 
 society. Rather concerned, he kept on his walk. Under the Arch 
 of Triumph he saw other individuals sporting other specimens of 
 his last new style. One came quickly behind him, and said, ' Here, 
 put these in your pocket ; and these, and these.' He handed him 
 three watches with broken chains, two purses, and five handker- 
 chiefs. The hatter now saw clearly enough the sort of society with 
 which he was in league. He ' peached' to the nearest commissary 
 of police, and the twenty-five pickpockets were speedily lodged in 
 jail. 
 
 THE SULTAN OF TURKEY. 
 
 MR. Aubrey de Vere, in his interesting work, * Picturesque 
 Sketches in Greece and Turkey,' relates the following anecdote of 
 Abdul Medjid. An incident which occurred soon after his acces- 
 sion shows that, in some respects at least, he is not disposed to 
 follow up the strong traditions of his race. At the beginning of 
 his reign the ulema was resolved, if possible, to prevent the new 
 sultan from carrying on those reforms which had ever been so dis- 
 tasteful to the Turks, grating at once against their religious asso- 
 ciations and their pride of race, and which recent events had cer- 
 tainly proved not to be productive of those good results anticipated 
 by Sultan Mahmoud. To attain this object, the muftis adopted 
 the expedient of working on the religious fears of the youthful 
 prince. One day as he was praying, according to custom, at his 
 father's tomb, he heard a voice from beneath reiterating in a stifle. I 
 tone, the words, ' I burn !' The next time that he prayed there, 
 the same words assailed his ears. 'I burn!' was repeated 
 again and again, and no word beside. He applied to the chief 
 oftheimans to know what this prodigy might mean, and was 
 informed that his father, though a great man, had also been, 
 
ME11RY COMPANION. 225 
 
 un fortunately, a great reformer, and that as such it was too much 
 to be feared that he had a terrible penance to undergo in the other 
 world. The sultan sent his brother-in-law to pray at the same 
 place, and afterwards several others of his household ; and on each 
 occasion the same portentous words were heard. One day he an- 
 nounced his intention of going in state to his father's tomb, and 
 was attended thither by a splendid retinue, including the chief 
 doctors of Mohammedan law. Again during his devotions were 
 heard the words, ' I burn/ and all except the sultan trembled, 
 llising from his prayer-carpet, he called in his guards, and com- 
 manded them to dig up the pavement and remove the tomb. It 
 was in vain that the muftis interposed, reprobating so great a pro- 
 fanation, and uttering dreadful warnings as to its consequences. 
 The sultan persisted ; the tomb was laid bare, and in a cavity 
 skilfully left there was found not a burning sultan, but a dervish. 
 The young monarch regarded him for a time fixedly and with 
 great silence, and then said, without any further remark, or the 
 slightest expression of anger, 'You burn? We must cool you in 
 the Bosphorus.' In "a few minutes more the dervish was in a bag, 
 and the bag was immediately in the Bosphorus ; while the sultan 
 rode back to his palace accompanied by his household and minis- 
 ters. 
 
 THE VIOLIN TRICK. 
 
 A iSnoitT time ago, a young man, poorly clothed, presented 
 himself before a dealer in curiosities, near the Palais Ptoyal : 
 
 ' Sir,' said he, showing a violin which he carried, ' I am a mu- 
 sical artist ; this is the season of balls and soirees ; 1 have just had 
 a long illness, which has exhausted my purse ; my only black 
 coat is in pawn 1 will be much obliged if you will lend me ten 
 francs to redeem it. I would leave as security one of the violins 
 you see for I have two : it is an excellent instrument. I shall 
 return for it as soon as, thanks to my coat, I shall have earned 
 enough money at some parties.' 
 
 The young man had such an honest bearing, that the dealer lent 
 him ten francs, and kept the violin, which he hung up in the shop. 
 
 The next day but one a gentleman, well dressed, wearing at his 
 button-hole, the ribbon of the Legion of Honour, was choosing, 
 from the dealer's stock of goods, some shell work. Seeing the vi- 
 olin, he took it up, examining it narrowly. 
 
 ' What is tbe price of that instrument?' said he. 
 
 ' It is not mine/ replied the shopkeeper ; and he related how he 
 came to possess it, 
 
 O 
 
226 MEKRY COMPANION. 
 
 ' This violin,' continued the unknown, * is worth money ; it is a 
 Cremona. Perhaps its owner is ignorant of its value. If he re- 
 turns, offer him two hundred francs for it ; he is a needy artist, 
 who will perhaps be obliged, and who can play just as well on an- 
 other violin/ 
 
 Then, handing fifty francs to the shopman, the unknown said 
 on taking his leave : 
 
 ' You will keep that for yourself, if the affair succeeds. I will 
 return in a few days/ 
 
 Two days after, the young man re-appeared, bringing the ten 
 francs to redeem his violin for which the dealer offered him two 
 hundred. After some hesitation he agreed, pocketed the money, 
 and withdrew, lamenting the sad necessity which compelled him 
 to part with his favourite instrument. At the end of a week, the 
 dealer, not having seen the decorated gentleman, became suspi- 
 cious : he carried the violin to an instrument maker, who onVe' 1 
 him three francs for it. 
 
 MRS. ADOLPHUS SMITH SPORTING THE "BLUE STOCKING." 
 Well, I think I'll finish that story for the editor of the ' Dutchman.' 
 Let me see ; where did I leave off? The setting sun was just gild- 
 ing with his last ray " Ma, I want some bread and molasses"- 
 (yes, dear), gilding with his last ray the church spire " Wife, 
 where's my Sunday waistcoat ?" ( Under the bed, dear), the church 
 spire of Inverness, when a " There's nothing under the bed, dear, 
 hut your lace cap." (Perhaps they are in the coal-hod in the 
 closet), when a horseman was seen approaching " Ma'am iheper- 
 tators is out ; not one for dinner'' (Take some turnips), approach- 
 ing, covered with dust, and " Wife ! the baby has swallowed a 
 button" (Reverse him, dear, take him by the heels), and waving 
 in his hand a banner, on which was written " Ma ! I've torn my 
 trousers" liberty or death ! The inhabitants rushed en masse 
 "Wife! WILL you leave off scribbling? (Don't be disagreeable, 
 Smith, I'm just getting inspired), to the public square, where De 
 Begnis, who had been secretly " Butcher wants to see you, 
 ma'am" secretly informed of the traitors' " Forgot which you said, 
 ma'am, sausages or mutton chop'* movements, gave orders to 
 fire; not less than twenty "My gracious! Smith, you haven't 
 been reversing that child all this time ? He's as black as your coat ; 
 and that boy of YOURS has torn up the first sheet of my manu- 
 script. There ! it's no use for a married woman to cultivate her 
 intellect." Fern Leaves!' 
 
MERRY COMPA:NIOK 227 
 
 A CASE OF CONSCIENCE. "Friend Broadbrim," said Zeplianiah 
 Straitlace to his master, a rich Quaker of Brotherly Love, "thou can'st 
 not eat of that leg- of mutton at thy noontide table to-day." " Where- 
 fore not?" asked the pood Quaker. "Because the dog that apper- 
 taineth to that son of Belial* whom the world calleth Lawyer Foxeraft, 
 hath come into thy pantry and stolen it ; yea, and he hath eaten it up." 
 " Beware, friend Zephaniah, of bearing; false witness against thy iieiirh- 
 bour. Art thou sure it was friend Foxcraft's domestic animal?" 
 " Yea, verily. I saw it with my eyes, and it was Lawyer Foxcraft'* 
 dog; even Pinch'em." "Upon what evil times have we fallen!'* 
 sighed the harmless secretary, as he wended his way to his neighbour's 
 office. * Friend Gripus,' said he, * I want to ask thy opinion.' * I am 
 all attention,' replied the scribe, laying down his pen. ' Supposing, 
 friend Foxeraft, that my dog had gone into thy neighbour's pantry, 
 and stolen therefrom a leg of mutton, and I saw him, and could call 
 him by name, what ought I to do ?* ' Pay for the mutton nothing 
 can be clearer.' 'Know thou, friend Foxeraft, thy dog, even the beast 
 men denominate Pinch'em, hath stolen from my pantry a leg of mutton, 
 of the just value of four shillings and sixpence, which I paid for it in 
 the market this morning.' * If it be so, then it is my opinion that I 
 must pay for it;' and having done so, the worthy friend turned to de- 
 part. l Tarry yet a little, friend Broadbrim,' cried the lawyer. 'Of 
 a verity I have yet farther to say unto thee. Thou owest me six-and- 
 eightpence for advice.' * Then verily I must pay thee ; and it is my 
 opinion I have touched pitch, arid been defiled.' 
 
 PROFESSOR ANDERSON, THE " WIZARD OF THE NORTH." 
 
 Professor Anderson was playing in the Holyday-street Theatre, Baltimore, 
 to crowded houses every evening. On the last night of his appearance in 
 that city, the hall was numerously thronged, and the Professor took occa- 
 sion to introduce some new feats of a more astonishing character than he 
 had previously shown. Among the audience, and occupying a prominent 
 position in the middle of the hall, sat a sallow-complexion, hatchet-faced, 
 South Carolinian,' who regarded the performance very intently, but who 
 never joined in the applause awarded, to the Wizard by the rest of the com- 
 pany. He saw the Professor take a large trunk, two or three geese, and a 
 live boy out of a portfolio about two inches thick, and he nodded as much 
 as to say ' That's not quite so bad.' He watched the feat of producing an 
 unlimited quantity of flowers, toys, and sweetmeats, out of an ordinary hat, 
 and he nodded his head to that also ; he witnessed another trick, and he 
 nodded his head again. Then came the 'Inexhaustible Bottle.' The Pro- 
 fessor's story about it was listened to, and the ' South Carolinian' nodded 
 his head and smiled cynically at what he was told. Presently he broke si- 
 lence for the first time, and asked for some gin out of the bottle gin was 
 given him; next for some rum rum he had. Then he desired some lem- 
 onade. At his wish lemonade was poured for him out of the same bottle 
 which had furnished the gin and the rum. He drank the lemonade, pulling 
 his broad-brimmed hat over one of his eyes, and, folding one of his anus, 
 
228 MERRY COMPANION". 
 
 looked hard at the Professor with the other. The bottle feat was finished, 
 the audience applauded, the Professor bowed, and was about to leave the 
 stage for a moment. Suddenly the taciturn "South Carolinian" started to 
 his feet, and beckoning to the Wizard, called to him in a loud voice to stop. 
 Mr. Anderson obeyed and came to the front of the stage. Whereupon, to 
 the intense amusement of all present, the following dialogue occurred : 
 
 "Well, I guess, stranger, you're a smart fellow," said our friend, addres- 
 sing the Professor ; "You are smart, anyhow, you are. I have been looking 
 at you, I have. I'd say that you were some one that it's not civil to name 
 right away, if you could do one trick." 
 
 "I have no ambition to be so regarded, I assure you," answered the Pro- 
 fessor, with great good humour ; "but you, perhaps, will oblige me by 
 saying what you wish me to do." 
 
 " Well, you- are smart ; but you can't do it. Your machinery's good, and 
 you have some well-made little engines on the stage there. You have a 
 quick hand, and a clever way about you too, stranger; but you can't do 
 what I want after all ; and it's a kind of thing I'd like to see the smartest 
 wizard going do." 
 
 "What is it? What do you want Mr. Anderson to do?" inquired fifty 
 voices at once. 
 
 "Well, you can't turn a black nigger white you can't do that, nohow," 
 returned the querulous visitor, as he spat on the floor, put his hands deep 
 in his pocket, and shook his shoulders with glee at having, as he thought, 
 posed the Professor. 
 
 Mr. Anderson asked the company to be silent for a moment. " Ladies 
 and gentlemen," said he, " this is my last night of performance in Baltimore, 
 I travel south. In six months I will return to this city, and if, on this 
 night six months my friend will come to see me, and bring with him a 
 black negro, 1 will turn him into a white one." 
 
 The people cheered. The "Carolinian" shook his head. 
 
 "Well, I guess you will when you do," said he, "but 1 will be here with 
 the nigger. Mark me, Mr. W T izard, I am here with the nigger I am;" 
 and so saying, he left the theatre. 
 
 The performance was concluded. Mr. Anderson left the city next morn- 
 ing ; and the following few months it was a subject of general conversation 
 whether the Wizard would return and keep his word. At length his ad- 
 vertisements appeared, and the chief experiment in the programme was 
 announced to be the "changing of a black negro into a white one." The 
 evening of performance arrived, The theatre was thronged to suffocation. 
 
 "Well done, Anderson!" "Bravo, Anderson!" shouted the audience, 
 as soon as the professor appeared. 
 
 ' Hold on, thar, stranger!" cried a voice from the farther end; "I'm 
 here, and here's the nigger." It was the " South Carolinian." 
 
 The company were informed that the transformation of the black man 
 would be the last experiment of the evening. Every one waited with im- 
 patience, By and by the time for the performance of the feat arrived. 
 
 "Anderson will do it !" "Bravo, Anderson !" cheered the people. 
 
 The " Carolinian" shook his head. He was invited to let his negro come 
 upon the stage. A large table was brought forward, together with an im- 
 mense extinguisher, formed of wicker work, covered with cloth. Mr. An- 
 derson explained that he would cause the negro to stand on the table, 
 place the extinguisher over him, fire a pistol at it, and produce a white 
 negro where there had been a black one. Everybody was on tiptoe as the 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 229 
 
 negro mounted the table. The extinguisher was placed over him the pis- 
 tol fired. On the removal of the extinguisher, a negro perfectly white- 
 skinned, with white curling hair, and the thorough African face, stood be- 
 fore the audience. 
 
 "It's flour he's floured rny nigger," cried the " Carolinian." 
 
 The audience were invited to examine him. They found it was the pro- 
 per colour of the skin ; and it was remarked that in changing colour, the 
 man appeared to have become a little taller. Round after round of ap- 
 plause greeted the Professor. The owner of the negro turned on his heel. 
 
 " Stop ! if you please," said the Wizard, "allow me to make your negro 
 black again before he leaves. 
 
 Once more the extinguisher and pistol were called into play. In two 
 minutes the black negro stood again upon the table. 
 
 " I restore him to you as I had him," said Anderson, addressing the as- 
 tonished sceptic. 
 
 The poor man shook his head. " I bought that nigger down south a 
 month ago," said he, "I've brought him here, and he's promised not to run 
 off, but to go through with me to Charleston, where 1 was to trade with 
 him again. But I won't have him now. A nigger who's been done that 
 to, I wouldn't own, any how." 
 
 Mr. Anderson turned to the audience, who were convulsed with laugh- 
 ter, and told them that, though he was not a planter or slave-owner, yet 
 on this occasion, he wished to buy a negro. Then asking the trader what 
 he would take for the slave to have no further claim upon him and receiv- 
 ing for answer 200 dollars, he paid the amount. 
 
 With reference to the trans formation of black into white, we may as well 
 mention that there are plenty of white negroes far up on the Mississippi. 
 The Wizard had been that way. Whether he had brought one with him 
 or not, we leave open to conjecture. 
 
 Mr. Anderson left Baltimore in the morning (having first obtained a pass 
 for his negro). Philadelphia was the next city he had to visit. The tra- 
 velling world knows that, going south, Maryland is the first slave state, 
 the capital of which is Baltimore. Going north, Pennsylvania is the first 
 free state, the great city of which is Philadelphia. Tae Susquehanah ri- 
 ver divides the states, slave and free. The Wizard had to cross the Sus- 
 quehanah with his negro. As soon as he arrived at the north side he 
 whispered in the negro's ear that he was FREE ! He burst into tears. 
 Expression of feeling in such a place could not be indulged in. The news 
 was in Philadelphia as soon as the Wizard. In that city of "brotherly 
 love" the " Musical Fund Hall" was nightly crowded by the Abolitionists, 
 who complimented the Wizard for this noble act. The curious came to 
 see the negro who had been turned white. The negro whom Mr. Anderson 
 had re-christened "The Wizard" is now the foreman of Mr. Anderson's es- 
 tate in Pennsylvania. 
 
 A LITTLE MAN WHO TFIOUGHT NO LITTLE OF HIMSELF. 
 ' Why, Mr. B,," said a tall youth to a little man in company with 
 half a dozen huge men, ' I protest you are so small, I did not see 
 you before.' ' Very likely/ replied the little gentleman, 'I am like 
 a sixpence among six copper pennies not readily perceived, but 
 worth the whole of them !' 
 
230 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 POETRY OF AFRICAN LANGUAGES. Among the Mongwees 
 thunder is called 'the sky's gun;' the morning ' the day's child;' 
 and one who has become intoxicated is said to he ' taken captive 
 by rum.' The Zulus call the twilight ' the eyelashes of the sun ;' 
 and they say of a man who has defrauded them, ' he has eaten me 
 up.' The 4 Missionary Advocate' tells of a native of Western Africa 
 who visited America some years ago, and when asked what he would 
 call ice, which he had never seen before, said, ' Him be water fast 
 asleep;' and while riding in a railroad car, when asked what name 
 he would give to the vehicle, replied, after some thought, 'Him be 
 one thunder mill.' 
 
 FLOGGING THE WPONG MAN. In his 'Reminiscences of 
 Cambridge/ Mr. Gunning reproduces the following story respect- 
 ing Sir Francis Whichcote, of Aswarby : * As Sir Francis was dres- 
 sing, one morning, he perceived the under-groom making free with 
 his wall fruit. When breakfast was finished, he wrote a note ad- 
 dressed to the Keeper of the House of Correction, at Folkingham, 
 which he ordered the culprit to take without delay. The note con- 
 tained the following words : ' Give the bearer a dozen lashes : he 
 will guess the reason.' This he signed with his initials. Whether 
 the offender was conscience smitten, or what is still more probable, 
 tuok advantage 01 the wet wafer to acquaint himself with the con- 
 tents, I know not ; but he bribed a helper in the stable, by the 
 promise of a pot of beer and the loan of a horse, to take it for him. 
 The governor, after reading the note, ordered the bearer to be tied 
 up, and the directions were rather scrupulously obeyed, to the infi- 
 nite surprise and consternation of the poor fellow, who had no idea 
 of why he was thus treated until his return, when his account of 
 what had taken place caused much merriment in the stable-yard. 
 The tale soon came to the ears of the baronet, who laughed very 
 heartily, and took no other notice of it than fining the delinquent 
 half a-crown for the privilege of being flogged by deputy, and 
 ordered it to be given to the suffering party " 
 
 FAR GONE. A rash and somewhat deluded young man has 
 threatened to apply the Maine Law to his sweetheart she intoxi- 
 cates him so ! Perhaps the Marriage Law would be more effectual. 
 
 Is it reasonable to srppose that when a young lady offers to 
 hjm cambric handkerchiefs for a rich bachelor, she means to sew 
 in order that she may reap ? 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 231 
 
 CURTOSITIES. The chair in which the sun sets A garment for 
 the naked eye The hammer which broke up the meeting Bark 
 peeled from off the North pole Ore from the mine of knowledge 
 A buckle to fasten a laughing-stock The animal that drew the 
 inference Eggs from a nest of thieves A hair from the head of 
 a river A blanket from the bed of the ocean. 
 
 BEST RIGHT TO THE BED. One night a judge, military offi- 
 cer, and a priest, all applied for lodging at an inn where there 
 was but one spare bed, and the landlord was called on to decide 
 which had the better claims of the three. "I have lain fifteen 
 years in the garrison of B.," said the officer." I have sat as 
 judge twenty years at B.," said the judge. " With your leave, 
 gentlemen, *I have stood in the ministry twenty-five years at N.," 
 said the priest." That settles the question," said the landlord. 
 " You, Mr. Captain, have lain fifty years ; you, Mr. Judge, have 
 sat twenty years ; but the aged pastor has stood five and twenty 
 years, so he certainly has the best right to the bed." 
 
 THE MAIDS AND THE WIDOWS. The following petition, c ign- 
 ed by sixteen maids of Charleston, South Carolina, was presented 
 to the governor of that province on March 1, 1733-4, "the day of 
 the feast:" ' To his Excellency Governor Johnson. The humble 
 petition of all the maids whose names are underwritten : ' Whereas 
 we, the humble petitioners, are at present in a very melancholy 
 disposition of mind, considering how the bachelors are blindly cap- 
 tivated by widows, and our more youthful charms thereby neglected; 
 the consequence of this our request is, that your Excellency will for 
 the future order that no widow will presume to marry any young 
 man till the maids are provided for ; or else to pay each of them a 
 fine for satisfaction for invading our liberties ; and likewise a fine 
 to be laid on all such bachelors as shall be married to widows. 
 The great disadvantage it is to us maids is, the widows, by their 
 forward carriages, do snap up the young men, and have the vanity 
 to think they have merits beyond ours, which is a great imposition 
 on us, who have the preference. This is humbly recommended to 
 your Excellency's consideration, and hope you will prevent any fur- 
 ther insults. And we poor maids, as in duty bound, will ever pray. 
 P.S. I being the oldest maid, and therefore most concerned, do 
 think it proper to be the messenger to your Excellency in behalf 
 oi my fellow-subscribers. 1 
 
232 MEET1Y COMPANION 
 
 LORD Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the 
 middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed 
 him, with great agitation, that the ship was on fire near the mag- 
 azine. " If that be the case," said he, leisurely putting on his 
 clothes, "we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to 
 the scene of danger and again returned, exclaiming " You need 
 not be afraid ; the fire is extinguished." "Afraid," replied Howe, 
 "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life;" 
 and, looking at the lieutenant full in the face, he added, " Pray, 
 how does a man feel when he is afraid ? I need not ask how he 
 looks.' 
 
 THE YANKEE IN TEXAS.- Well, I put up \vlth a first-rate, good- 
 natured fellow, that I met at a billiard-table. I went in and was in- 
 troduced to his wife ; a fine, fat wdman looking as though she lived 
 on lafiin', her face was so full of fun. After awhile after we'd talked 
 about my ^irl, an^ about the garden, and about the weather in como 
 three or four children, laffin' and skipping as merry as crickets. There 
 was no candle lit, but I could see they were fine-looking fellows, and 
 I started for my saddle-bags, in which I put a lot of sugar-candy for 
 the children as I went along. " Come here," said I, " you little rogue ; 
 come here and tell me what your name is." The oldest came to me 
 and says, " My name b Peter Smith." " And what's your name, sir?" 
 " Bob Smith." The next said his name was Bill Smith, and the 
 fourth said his name was Tommy Smith. I gave 'em su^ar-candy, 
 and Mrs. Smith was so tickled that she laughed all the time. Mr. 
 Smith looked on, but didn't say much. " Why," says I, " Mrs. S., I 
 would not take a g-cod deal for them four boys, if I had 'em they 
 are so beautiful and sprightly." " No," said she, laffiri', " I set a 
 good deal on 'em, but we spoil 'em too much." "No, no," says I, 
 * they're rale well-behaved children ; and by gracious,' says I, pretend- 
 ing to be startled by a striking resemblance between the boys and the 
 father, and I looked at Mr. Smith, * I never did see anything- equal to 
 it,' says I ; ' your own eyes, mouth, forehead, and perfect picture of 
 hair, sir/ tapping the oldest on the pate. I thought Mrs. Smith would 
 have died laffin' at that, her arms fell down by her side, and she shook 
 the whole house laffin'. l Do you think so, Colonel Jones?' said she, 
 looking towards Mr. Smith, and I thoug-ht she'd go off in a fit. * Yes,' 
 says I, ' 1 do raily.' * Haw, haw, haw!' says Mr. Smith, kind o' half 
 laffin, 'you are too hard on me now with your jokes.' ' I ain't joktn' 
 at all,' says I, ' they are handsome children, and do look wonderfully 
 like you.' Just then a gal brought a light in, and I'll be darned if 
 the little brats didn't turn out to be niggers, every one of 'em ! and 
 their heads was curly all over! Mr. and Mrs. Smith never had any 
 children, and they sort of petted them niggers as playthings. I never 
 felt so streaked as I did when I found out how things stood-. If I 
 hadn't kissed the nasty things, I could a got over it; but kissing 'em 
 showed I was in air nest. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 233 
 
 ON THE CHOICE OP A WIFE. 
 
 Enough of beauty to secure affection, 
 
 E?iough of sprightliness to cure dejection, 
 
 Of modest diffidence to claim protection, 
 
 A docile mind, subservient to correction, 
 
 Yet stored with sense, with reason, and reflertion, 
 
 And every passion held in due subjection 
 
 Just faults enough to keep her from perfection ; 
 
 When such I find, I'll make her my election. 
 
 ON THE CHOICE OF A HUSBAND. 
 
 Of beauty, just enough to bear inspection, 
 Of candour, sense, and wit, a good collection ; 
 Enough of love for one who needs protection, 
 To scorn the words " I'll keep her in subjection ;" 
 Wisdom to keep him right in each direction, 
 Nor claim a weaker vessel's imperfection. 
 Should I e'er meet with such in my connection. 
 Let him propose, I'll offer no objection. 
 
 CHARLIE AND HIS DOG. 
 
 Some time ago, a boy name Charlie had a large dog, which was very 
 fond of the water, and in hot weather he used to swim across the river 
 near which the boy lived. One day the thought struck him that it 
 would be fine fun to make the dog carry him across the river, so he 
 tied a string to the dog's collar, and ran down with him to the water's 
 edge, where he took off all his clothes ; and then holding hard by the 
 dog's neck and the bit of string, he went into the water, and the dog pul- 
 led him across. After playing about on the other side for some time, they 
 returned in the way they had gone ; but when Charlie looked for his 
 clothes, he could find nothing but his shoes ! The wind had blown all 
 the rest into the water. The dog saw what had happened, and making 
 his little master let go the string, by making believe to bite him, he 
 dashed into the river, and brought up first his coat, and then all the 
 rest in succession. Charlie dressed, and went home in his wet clothes, 
 and told his mother what fun he and the dog had had. His mother 
 told him that he had done very wrong in going across the river as he 
 had done, and that he should thank God for making the dog take him 
 over and back again safely ; for if the dog had let go in the river he 
 would most likely have sunk and been drowned. Little Charlie said, 
 * Shall I thank God now, mamma?" and he knelt down at his mother's 
 knee and thanked God; then, getting up again, he threw his arms 
 around his dog's neck, saying, * I thank you, too, dear doggie, for not 
 letting go. 1 Little Charlie is now * Admiral Sir Charles Nupier.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 " Pomp, was yer ever drunk?" "No, I was intoxicated wid 
 ardent spirits once, and dat's nuff for dis darkie. De Lord bless 
 you, Caesar, my head felt as if it was an outhouse, while all de nig- 
 gers in de world appeared to be splittin' wood in it." 
 
 MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION. For my part I can't de- 
 ceive what on airth eddication is commiu* to. When I was young, 
 if a gal only understood the rules of distraction, provision, 'multi- 
 plying, replenishing, and the common denominator, and knew all 
 about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and their dor- 
 mitories, the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication 
 enough. But now they have to study bottomy, algerbay, and have 
 to demonstrate suppositions about the sycophants of circusstan- 
 gents and diagonies of parallelograms, to say nothing of oxhides, 
 asheads, cowsticks, and abstruse triangles. (And here the old lady 
 was so confused with the technical names that she was forced to 
 stop.) 
 
 MORAL SUASION. A wayward son of the Emerald Isle left his 
 bed and board, which he and Margaret, his wife, had occupied for 
 a long while, and spent his time around rum shops, where he was 
 always on hand to count himself 4 in,' whenever anybody should 
 ' stand treat.' 
 
 Margaret was dissatisfied with this state of things, and endeav- 
 oured to get her husband home again. We shall see how she suc- 
 ceeded. 
 
 ' Now, Patrick, me honey, will ye come back ?' 
 
 'No, Margaret, I won't come back.' 
 
 'An' won't ye come back for the love of the children ?' 
 
 'Not for the love of the children, Margaret. 
 
 ' Will ye come for the love of meself ?' 
 
 ' Niver at all. Way wid ye !' 
 
 4 An' Patrick, won't the love of the church bring ye back ?' 
 
 ' The church to the divil, and then I won't come back.' 
 
 Margaret thought she would try one other inducement. Taking 
 a pint bottle of whisky from her pocket, and holding it up to her 
 truant husband, she said 
 
 ' Will ye come for the drap o* whisky ?' 
 
 'Ah, me darlin',' answered Pat, unable to withstand such a 
 temptation, ' it's yerself that will always bring me home again 
 ye has sich a winning way wid ye !' 
 
 Margaret declares that Patrick was ' reclaimed' by moral suasion! 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 235 
 
 WOMEN. It is seldom that Julius Caesar Hannibal says any- 
 thing worth quoting, but the following is not bad : 
 
 4 Dey may rail against women as much as dey like, dey can't 
 set me up against dem. I hab always in my life found dem to be 
 fust in lub, fust in a quarrel, fust in de dance, de fust in de ice- 
 cream saloon, and de fust, best and last, in de sick room. What 
 would we poor debbils do widout dem ? Let us be born as young, 
 as ugly, and as helpless as we please, and a woman's arms am open 
 to recebe us. She it am who gibs us our first dose ob castor oil, 
 and puts cloze upon our helplessly naked limbs, and cubbers up 
 our foots and toses in long flannel petticoats ; and it am she who, 
 as we grow up, fills our dinner baskets wid doenuts and apples as 
 we start to skool, and licks us when we tear our trowsis.' 
 
 AN UNTOWARD EVENT. 
 
 An old gentleman, a merchant, had an only daughter possessed of the 
 highest attractions, moral, personal, and pecuniary. She was engaged, and 
 devotedly attached, to a young man of her own rank of life, and in every 
 respect well worthy of her choice. All preliminaries were arranged; and 
 the marriage, after two or three postponements, was fixed to take place on 
 
 Thursday, April 15, 18 . On the preceding Monday, the bridegroom 
 
 elect (who was to have received 10,000 down on his wedding-day, and a 
 further sum of 20,000 on his father-in-law's dying, as there was prospect 
 he soon would,) had some little jealous squabbling with his intended at an 
 evening party. The ' tiff' arose in consequence of his paying more atten- 
 tion than she thought justifiable to a young lady with sparkling eyes and 
 inimitable ringlets. The gentleman retorted, and spoke slightingly of a cer- 
 tain cousin, whose waistcoat was the admiration of the assembly, and which, 
 it was hinted darkly, had been embroidered by the fair hand of the heiress 
 in question. He added, in conclusion, that it would be time enough for him 
 to be schooled when they were married: and that he thought she had 
 adopted a certain portion of male attire 'a little too soon.' After supper, 
 both the lovers had become more cool ; iced champagne and cold chicken 
 had done their work; and leave was taken by the bridegroom IN POSSE, in 
 kindly and affectionate, if not in such enthusiastic terms, as had previously 
 terminated their meetings. On the next morning, the swain thought with 
 some remorse on the angry feeling he had exhibited, and on the cutting sar- 
 casm with which he had given it vent ; and as a part of the AMENDE HON- 
 OKABLE, packed up with great care a magnificent satin dress, which he had 
 previously bespoken for his beloved, and which had been sent home to him 
 in the interval, and transmitted it to the lady, with a note to the following 
 effect : ' Dearest , I have been unable to close my eyes all night, 
 
236 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 in consequence of thinking of onr foolish misunderstanding last evening. 
 Pray, pardon me ; and in token of your forgiveness, deign to accept the ac- 
 companying dress, and wear it for the sake of your affectionate .' 
 
 Having written the note, he gave it to his shopman to deliver with the par- 
 cel. But as a pair of his nether garments happened, at the time, to stand in 
 need of repairing, he availed himself of the opportunity offered by his ser- 
 vant having to pass the tailor's shop, and desired him to leave them, packed 
 in another parcel, on his road. The reader foresees the inevitable CONTUK- 
 TEMPS. Yes ! the man made the fatal blunder ! consigned the satin robe to 
 Mr. Snip, and left the note, together with the dilapidated habiliment, at the 
 residence of the lady. Her indignation was neither to be described nor ap- 
 peased. So exasperated was she at what she considered a determined but 
 deliberate affront, that when her admirer called, she ordered the door to be 
 closed in his face, refused to listen to any explanation, and resolutely broke 
 off the match. Before many weeks had elapsed, means were found to make 
 her acquainted with the history of the objectionable present; but she, nev- 
 ertheless, adhered firmly to her resolve, deeply lamenting the misadventure, 
 but determined to let the burden of the ridicule rest upon her unlucky lover. 
 
 SAM AND DOLLY, 
 
 Or the Hen-pecked Husband surprised by his loving spouse at the 
 Tavern. 
 
 1 See thee, Jack, my wife is coming-, 
 Stamping mad, adown the lane; 
 I shall get a bonny drumming 
 If she catch me here again." 
 
 " Stand like a rock, says Jack to Sam, 
 Don't be such a hen-pecked fool; 
 Let her see thou art a man, 
 Women were not made to rule. 
 Tell her of the good advice 
 Given by the learned Paul, 
 Women should be still as mice, 
 No foul names their husband call." 
 
 " Prithee, Jack, do drop thy talking;* 
 Hark ! she's lifting up the latch : 
 Now it's time that I were walking, 
 Unless I would a Tartar catch." 
 
 " Landlord ! is ar Sam in here ? 
 Oh I see thee, villain, now ! 
 Ar ta coming ? dus ta hear, 
 Or else I soon will lug thee hair." 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 "Nay my lass, don't show such airs, 
 Think of the advice of Paul ; 
 Though women have domestic cares. 
 They but increase with noise and brawl/' 
 
 What care I for Paul's advice 
 He'd no troubles like to mine. 
 Quoting Paul in language nice, 
 Doth ill beseem such lips as thine. 
 Lousy, idle, drunken brute, 
 Provoke not thus a woman's ire ; 
 Sup up, or, by my stars. I'll thro'it, 
 Thy ale and thee into the fire." 
 
 Awed by Dolly's clapper tongue, 
 Sam, like a thief did sneak away ; 
 But still her voice most awful rung, 
 As she pushed him on the way. 
 But storms, you know, may soon subside ; 
 Wedlock storms can't last for ever. 
 And Sam and Dolly, side by side, 
 Slept friends that night together. 
 
 HARD CASE. 
 
 IT will be remembered that some two months ago the steamer 
 Enterprise blew up in the Bio Grande, killed several persons, and 
 severely wounded others. The correspondent of the New Orleans 
 Delta says, after the Whiteville came along side and took off the 
 wounded, he looked around to see what havoc was made in human 
 life. While passing through the crowd of sufferers my attention 
 was directed to one whom I thought must certainly be dead. He 
 was swathed in bandages from head to foot the blood oozed from 
 his numerous wounds in thick, muddy streams, and his face was 
 actually burned to a crisp. At first view I thought his eyes were 
 scalded out but I was mistaken. For a moment 1 stopped to 
 view this awful spectacle of human agony, and just as I was about 
 to attend to some other duty, I heard a voice saying in a feeble 
 yet resolute tone, ' Hello ; old feller what are you got in that 
 tin cup?' Thinking the question proceeded from some person 
 further aft, I turned in that direction, when the same person 
 indignantly said 'Yes, that's allers the way! A feller gits a little 
 hurt, and jist like a porpoise that's wounded, his fellow-creatures 
 tries to kill him." To my utter astonishment I found that this 
 was addressed to me by the person described iu the above as hav- 
 ing been so terribly wounded. * What can I do for you, my frieud ?' 
 
238 MERET COMPANION. 
 
 ' What are yon got in that are tin cup ? Is it rot-gut or melas- 
 ses !' * It is whisky. Will yon have some ?' ' You're the feller. 
 Jest open my teeth and pour a little down. I can't see well, but 
 I think hitters will do me good." I did as I was directed, and he 
 drank the whole contents of the cup about a half pint of raw 
 whisky, and then said c Thankee, old feller. Ye see I was asleep, 
 and when the burst up took place I was on the biler deck, and I 
 believe I was blowed through one of the flues but never mind I 
 ain't much hurt, and I'm more used to it than a good many. I've 
 been blowed up four times afore.' That man was decidedly the 
 hardest case 1 ever met with. 
 
 MATRIMONIAL MEASURE. 
 
 Two Polkas make One Flirtation. 
 
 Three Flirtations One squeeze of the Hand. 
 
 Four Squeezes One kiss. 
 
 Five Kisses One Moonlight Meeting. 
 
 Two Moonlight Meetings One Wedding. 
 
 Two Weddings .. Four Fools. 
 
 SEVEN FOOLS. 1. The Envious Man, who sends away his 
 mutton because the person next to him is eating venison. 
 
 2. The Jealous Man, who spreads his bed with stinging nettles, 
 and then sleeps in it. 
 
 3. The Proud Man, who gets wet through sooner than ride in 
 the carriage of an inferior. 
 
 4. The Litigious Man, who goes to law in the hope of ruining 
 his opponent, and gets ruined himself. 
 
 5. The Extravagant Man, who buys a herring and takes a cab 
 to carry it home. 
 
 6. The Angry Man, who learns the opbecleide, because he is 
 annoyed with the playing of his neighbour's piano. 
 
 7. The Ostentatious Man, who illuminates the outside of his 
 house most brilliantly, and sits inside the dark. 
 
 * There are tricks in all trades but ours,' as the lawyer said to his 
 client. An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a 
 hat, for which twenty-five shillings were demanded. He offered 
 twenty shillings. ' As I live,' said the Quaker, 4 1 cannot afford to 
 give it thee at that price.' * As you live,' exclaimed the country- 
 man, ' then live more moderately, and be hanged to you !' * Friend!' 
 said the Quaker, ' thou shall have the hat for nothing. I have sold 
 hats for twenty years, and my trick was never found out till now.' 
 
MEERY COMPANION. 239 
 
 The Rev. W. Jay, of Bath in one of his letters writes : * Just as 
 I was concluding my sermon last night, (in London) there was a 
 general consternation and out-cry. All was confusion, the people 
 treading on one another, &c. It was rather dark, and the pulpit 
 candles only were lighted. I saw something moving up the aisle 
 towards the vestry. It was a bull ! we presume driven in by pick- 
 pockets, or persons who wished to disturb us. We were talking on 
 the affairs of the nation, and John Bull very seasonably came in. 
 But imagine what followed: the bull could not be made to go 
 backwards, nor could he be turned round : five or six persons, 
 therefore, held him by the horns ; while the clerk, as if bewitched, 
 gave out, in order to appease the noise 
 
 * Praise God from whom all blessings flow, 
 Praise him all creatures here below,' &c. 
 
 O that the bull could but have roared here in compliance with the 
 exhortation ! I looked down from the pulpit, and seeing the gen- 
 tlemen who held him singing with their faces lighted up, as if re- 
 turning thanks for this unexpected blessing, I was obliged to put 
 my hand before my face while I dismissed the congregation. 
 
 A YANKEE PREACHER ON PREDESTINATION. Let us, for argu- 
 ment's sake, grant that I, the Rev. Elder Sprightly, am foreordained 
 to be drowned in the river at Smith's ferry, next Thursday morn- 
 ing, at twenty minutes after ten o'clock; and suppose I know it; 
 and suppose I am a free, moral, voluntary, accountable agent 
 do you think I am going to be drowned ? I should rather guess 
 not ! I should stay at home ; and you'll never ketch the Rev. 
 Elder Sprightly at Smith's ferry nohow, nor near the river neither. 
 
 AN UNEXPECTED THREAT. Some years ago the clergyman of 
 the parish, accompanied by his staunch ally the clerk, called on a 
 Quaker on clerical business. They found him about to sit down 
 to dinner, and presented their demand. " Oh, I see it is for the 
 Easter offering, as thee terms it. Well, wilt thee walk in, friend, 
 and take a bit of dinner ?" The invitation was gladly accepted. 
 After dinner they partook of a glass of genuine home-brewed, and 
 a pipe of excellent returns ; but when all was over, and they were 
 about to separate, the gentleman of the black robe reminded their 
 kind entertainer once more of the Easter offering. To which Oba- 
 diah somewhat drily replied, " Friend, I have given thee a meat- 
 oiTering, a drink-offering, and a burnt-offering; and if thou art not 
 speedily gone, I will verily be tempted to give thee a heave -ottering-." 
 
240 MERRY 
 
 FUNNY FRAGMENTS. 
 
 EQUALITY: A Cabman' 's Argument. *Lord, sir, them as torks 
 about hequality don't no nothink about it,' said the driver. S'pose 
 we was all equal at tins here minite ; why we shed be jest like old 
 Rhodes' s cows a grazing ; we shed all on us get a good feed ; 
 and jest as we'd done, some precious thief or other would quietly 
 drop in and milk us !* 
 
 ' Charles,' said a young lady to her lover, ' there is nothing inter- 
 esting in the paper to-day, is there, dear?' i No, love, but I hope 
 there will, one day, when we both shall be interested.' The lady 
 blushed, and said, of course, ; For shame, Charles!' 
 
 ' Ma,'" said a little girl, ' I don't think Solomon was so rich as 
 they say he was. ' Why, my dear, what makes you think so ?' 
 4 Because he slept with his fathers ; and I think if he had been so 
 very rich he would have had a bed of his own to sleep hi.' 
 
 A grave friend of ours tells us that he and his wife always go to 
 bed quarrelling, 4 and yet,' says he, 'with all our differences, we 
 never fail out!' 
 
 The coats of the Irish reapers have been described as 4 a parcel 
 of holes sewed together.' 
 
 A teague, who had but one eye, met, early in the morning, one 
 who had a crooked back, and said to him, * Friend, you are loaded 
 betimes.' ' It is early, indeed,' replied the other, ' for you have 
 but one of your windows open/ 
 
 * I would advise you to put your head in a dry-tub, it's rather 
 red,' said a joker to a sandy-haired girl. * In return, sir, I would 
 advise you to put yours into an oven, for it's rather soft,' was the 
 prompt reply. 
 
 ' You should never let the young men kiss you,' said a venera- 
 ble uncle to his pretty niece. ' 1 know it, uncle,' returned she 
 penitently/ and yet I try to cultivate a spirit of forgiveness, seeing 
 that when one has been kissed there is no unuoing it.' 
 
 When Dr. Good enough was made Bishop of C , a certain 
 
 dignitary whom the public had expected to get the appointment, 
 being asked by a friend how he came not to be the new bishop, 
 replied, " Because I was not Good-enough." 
 
 ' Are you not afraid your wife will get married again when you 
 die ?' * I hope she may, as there will be one man in the world 
 who will know Low to pity me/ 
 
MEEEY COMPANION. 241 
 
 ANCESTRY. When one of Lord Thurlow's friends was endeav 
 curing to make out his relationship to the Secretary, Cromwell, 
 whose family had been settled in the county adjoining Suffolk ; 
 he replied, Sir, there were two Cromwells in that part of the country 
 Cromwell the Secretary, and Cromwell the Carrier; I am de- 
 scended from the latter.' We have read of a man who, in prospect 
 of his promotion, being asked concerning his pedigree, answered 
 that 4 he was not particularly sure, hut had been credibly informed 
 that he had three brothers in the ark!' but one of our most distin- 
 guished poets of obscure origin surpasses this in this epitaph : 
 
 " Princes and heralds, by your leave, 
 Here lie the bones of Matthew Prior; 
 The son of Adam and of Eve, 
 Can Nassau or Bourbon go higher? 
 
 Lord Bacon has remarked that they who derive their worth from 
 their ancestors resemble fc potatoes, the most valuable part of which 
 is under the ground/ 
 
 THE BASHFUL YOUTH. 
 
 They call me a bashful man, and they do not call me wrong-, 
 
 For I really am so shame-faced, I cannot use my tongue ; 
 
 Yet my father and my mother were not so, I'm told, 
 
 They were unlike their chicken son they were quite bland and bold. 
 
 They say I shall get over it, but I fear I never can, 
 It is a sad, a dreadful thing, to be a bashful man ; 
 I I, oh dear ! I quite forgot what I was going to say, 
 But would the ladies be so good as look another way. 
 
 I have a fortune large, but I'd give it all away, 
 Could I look a lady in the face, and tell what to say. 
 
 dear me ! when my eyes meet hers, I am in such a flutter 
 
 1 soon look down upon my shoes, and then begin to stutter. 
 
 I merit public sympathy mine is a woeful case, 
 
 Yes, 'tis a fact; I cannot look a lady in the face, 
 
 I'd rather face I would indeed I'm such a bashful fool, 
 
 I'd rather face a crocodile, than meet a ladies' school. 
 
 At parties when a lady is assigned me in the dance, 
 I blush and fidget with my gloves, and seem as in a trance; 
 And while I bluaJ and stammer, and hang down my puppy head, 
 feuuie attndy whiskered coxcomb leads the lady out instead. 
 
 P 
 
242 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 On Sunday night I went to church, Miss Brown accosted me, 
 Her pretty face and riglets I never dared to see ; 
 She put her arm in mine, O I was in such a stew ! 
 I hobbled and I stumbled, I could not walk but flew. 
 
 By chance I touch'd a lady's hand, last night in a quadrille, 
 Oh goodness ! how this heart did beat, T feel it flutter still ; 
 While my young brother fresh from school right glad to see me 
 
 teas'd, 
 Said, Tom ; why what a "muff you are, girls like their fingers 
 
 squeezed." 
 
 How am I to get married ! where's my courage for a wife ? 
 I cannot raise the steam to pop the question, for my life, 
 Ah ! I never shall be bold enough to take the lover's leap. 
 For, see ; I have no pluck at all, I'm such a bashful sheep. 
 
 And then the courting of the lady, -how should I carry it on ? 
 Should I have to use some lollypops? I'll ask my brother John. 
 I should be all of a tremble her presence would confound, 
 I could neither talk, touch, or look, but fall right to the ground. 
 
 And then the sisters, how they'd quiz ! and what questions by 
 
 mamma ! 
 
 And the rigid inquisition in the study of papa ! 
 And then the wedding-day, and the appearance at the church ! 
 O I never could go through it I'd rather have the birch. 
 
 And then the bride's apartment ; I should hear the lady say, 
 Why do you stay so long below J pray do be bold and gay." 
 
 fie ; the very thought of it takes away my breath ! 
 
 1 never dare be married I should blush myself to death ! 
 
 DEATH OF A MAN-OF-WAR'S MAN ; REMINISCENCES OF HIS 
 MARRIAGE. Mr. Alexander Brown, mariner, a native of Scotland, 
 died at Hartley, near Tynemouth, on Sunday, aged 73. He ser- 
 ved his apprenticeship on board the Maxwell, of Seaton Sluice, 
 and at the expiration of his indenture found himself in the midst 
 of the revolutionary war. A full share of the hardships and hazards 
 of that great conflict fell to his lot. Man-of-war (floating-prison,) 
 and French prison kept him from Seaton Sluice until the peace ; 
 when having escaped the perils of the sea, he fell a victim to a 
 peril of the land. He was one day taking a walk from Shields to 
 Hartley, and fell in with a group of merry damsels near the stile 
 at Whiteley Park corner. Some jokes were exchanged ; until, at 
 length, one of the girls, going beyond a joke, asked him if he did 
 not want a wife. "To be sure I do," was his reply. Following 
 
MEERT COMPANION. 213 
 
 up her advantage, she popped the question, ' Then which of us 
 will you have ?' This was a poser. The English tar was no Turk, 
 or he would have had them all. He must make a choice ; and 
 really, they were so equally attractive that he knew not which to 
 prefer. In this extremity he did what Man is fond of doing he 
 threw his fate upon the decision of chance. ' I'll marry the girl,' 
 said he, ' who jumps the farthest!' The humour of the thing tickled 
 the fancy of the maidens, and the next moment they were jumping 
 for a husband!' Nanny Nesbitt was the victor: and Alick bought 
 a license forthwith; they were married on the following morning; 
 and they lived long and happily together, and brought up a large 
 family. For the last 29 years, the deceased Lad sailed in the Grat- 
 titude, of Seaton Sluice. 
 
 Too MANY STOCKINGS. Widow Quiggles looked over her fence 
 into Mrs. Struggles' yard, and discovered five pair of stockings hang- 
 ing on the line. ' Du tell,' says she, ' where on airth did that 
 other pair of stockings, cum from? and I vow thur jest like the 
 rest on'em. Thair ain't but four in the family, no heow, and 
 where that other odd tew cum from ee'n a most puzzles me. I 
 didn't see no one go in, as I know's on heow on airth could they 
 g-it it 'thout me seein' on 'em ? They couldn't hev bought it, 'cause 
 the hull lot on'em is poor as pison. Got 'em gin tew'em, mabbe, 
 but that aint possible nither, for they ain't got no rich relations. 
 Well, I du wish one of the gals 'ud come eout, I'd ask her. Ah! 
 there is Sally. Sally, dear, I see you have been a increasin' your 
 wardrobe." ' How so, Mrs. Quiggles?' inquired Sally. 'Why, 
 you hev got a addition of stockings on your line, dear,' answered 
 Mrs. Quiggles. Oh, yes,' says Sally, ' I have been knitting a pair 
 for the Parson, ma'am.' ' Indeed ! said Mrs. Quiggles, turning 
 away in high dudgeon ; 'the pesked, nasty, good-furnuthin' chit 
 thinks tu begin at the parson's feet and knit upwards tu his affec- 
 tions, but I reckon I'll spile that; I'll gin him a hull suit of wool- 
 len to kiver his reverence. I know'd them stockings had no good 
 purpose I know'd it!' 
 
 Once when Admiral Pakenham landed at Portsmouth, a friend 
 asked him how he had left the crew of his ship. ' O,' said he, 4 1 
 left them all, to a man, the merriest fellows in the world.' ' How 
 so ? asked his friend. * Why,' replied the admiral, I flogged 
 seventeen of them, and they are happy it is over, and all the rest 
 are happy because they have escaped." 
 
244 MEEEY COMPANION. 
 
 MATRIMONIAL MODE OF PROVING INNOCENCE. All who know 
 young Sniffkins, (of New York, of course,) know that he married 
 old Miss Betty Blotchett for her money, that he cannot touch it 
 till she dies, and that he treats her very badly on account of what 
 he calls her ' unjustifiable longevity.' The other day Mrs. Sniff- 
 kins, finding herself unwell, sent for a doctor, and, in the presence 
 of Sniffkins and the medical man, declared her belief that she was 
 * poisoned,' and that he (Sniffkins) ' had done it !' * I didn't do it!' 
 shouted Sniffkins. * It's all gammon, she isn't poisoned. Prove 
 it doctor, open her upon the spot, I'm willing.' 
 
 BE MERRY AND WISE. 
 
 A smile on the face and kind word on the tongue, 
 Will serve you as passports all nations among; 
 A heart that is cheerful, a spirit that's free, 
 Will carry you bravely o'er life's stormy sea. 
 
 Talk not of fortune, talk not of fate 
 We make our own troubles, however we prate ! 
 This world would be honey where now it is gall, 
 Were we but contented, and merry withal ! 
 
 In the midst of our song, in the midst of our cheer, 
 We gratefully will our Creator revere ; 
 ind for ever and aye we'll the grand secret prize, 
 That unless we are merry we cannot be wise ! 
 
 CHEESE FOR CANNON SHOT. 
 
 The queerest ammunition that we have heard of lately was used 
 by the celebrated Commodore Coe, of the Montevidian navy, who, 
 in an engagement with Admiral Brown, of the Buenos Ayrean 
 service, fired every shot from his lockers. ' What shall we do, sir?* 
 asked his first lieutenant. We've not a single shot aboard round, 
 grape, caunister, and double-headed are all gone.' ' Powder gone, 
 eh ?' asked Coe. ' No, sir, got lots of that yet.' * We had a darn'd 
 hard cheese a round Dutch one, for dessert at dinner to-day-^do 
 you remember it?' said Coe. ' I ought to I broke the carving- 
 knife in trying to cut it, sir.' 'Are there any more, aboard?' 
 4 About two dozen. We took them from a droger.' ' Will they 
 go into the eighteen pounders ? 4 By thunder, commodore, but 
 that's the idea ; I'll try 'em !' cried the first lieutenant. And in a 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 245 
 
 few minutes the fire of the old Santa Maria (Coe's ship), which 
 had ceased entirely, was re-opened, and Admiral Brown found more 
 shot flying over his head. Directly one of them struck his main- 
 mast, and as it did so, shattered and flew in every direction. ' What 
 the devil is that which the enemy is firing ?' asked Brown. But 
 nobody could tell. Directly another came in through a port and 
 killed two men who were near him, and then, striking the opposite 
 bulwarks, burst into flinders. ' By Jove, this is too much ! This 
 is some new-fangled paixhan or other. I don't like 'em,' cried 
 Brown ; and then, as four or five more of them came slap through 
 his sails, he gave the orders to fill away, and actually backed out 
 of the fight, receiving a parting broadside of Dutch cheeses. This 
 is an actual fact ; our informant was the first lieutenant of Coe's 
 ship. 
 
 AGRICULTURAL REPARTEE. A farmer in the west recently 
 meeting a certain agricultural chemist, took occasion to sneer at 
 the advantages of science to agriculture. ' I am told, sir,' said the 
 farmer, * that you can carry enough manure in your coat pocket 
 
 for an acre of ground.' Mr. bowed assent. ' And,' continued 
 
 the farmer, ' we farmers, I suppose, may bring home the produce 
 in our waistcoat pockets ?' ' Perfectly correct, sir,' was the reply ; 
 ' for although the proximate produce be turnips, yet the ultimate 
 produce is gold, with which precious metal I shall be most happy, 
 if you will permit me, to fill your capacious waistcoat pockets every 
 market-day.' 
 
 * Napoleon Alexis Dobbs, come up here and say your lesson. 
 What makes boys grow?' ' It is the rain, sir.' 
 
 ' Why do not men grow ?' ' Because they carry an umbrella, 
 which keeps off the rain/ 
 
 ' What makes a young man and woman fall in love?' 'Because 
 one of 'em has a heart of steel, and t'other has a heart of flint, and 
 when they come's together they strike fire, and that is love.' 
 
 4 That's right. Now you may go and plague the gals." 
 
 Western orators have said a great many smart things, but it was 
 a homesick Irishman who said ' Sir, I was born at a very early 
 period of life, and if ever I live till the day of my death, and the 
 Lord only knows whether I will or not, my soul shall see swate 
 Ireland before it laves Ameriky.' 
 
2-16 MERBY COMPAtflOIT. 
 
 A GOOD ONE. 
 
 William and John occupied separate beds in the same room. 
 John was honest, but lazy. On entering their room to retire for 
 the night, John, with his usual alacrity, undressed and jumped 
 into bed, while William was pulling off his boots and deciding 
 which side of the bed would most likely prove the softest. 
 
 After a few minutes' delay, William sprang into bed, placed 
 his head upon two pillows, and doubled himself up, preparatory 
 for a comfortable snooze, when what should he discover, when just 
 ready to * drop off/ but that he had carelessly left the fluid lamp 
 burning. The discovery gave rise to the following soliloquy : 
 
 ' 'Twont do to leave that lamp burning, but it's so very cold 
 that I hate most awfully to get out on the floor ; but still that lamp 
 must be blown out. I wonder if I can't make John get out. I'll 
 try. Johu !' 
 
 * Hollo!' 
 
 * Did you ever know Daniel Hoskins, foreman of engine thirty- 
 seven ?' 
 
 ' No. Why ?' 
 
 ' Nothing ; only I didn't know but that you knew him. I saw 
 by the papers that his death was caused, last week, by inhaling the 
 oxharogon lluidal vapors from a lamp that lie accidentally left 
 burning in the room. After the fluid was all consumed, the chem- 
 ist said the oxidal suction of the wick so consumed the ^nitrogen 
 of the lungs, that the fluidical vapors suddenly stopped the inspi- 
 ration, and the heart ceased to beat.' 
 
 John raised himself up in bed, gazed with a sternness indescri- 
 bable on the reclining form of his room-mate, and in a stentorian 
 voice exclaimed: 
 
 ' Why, in thunder, don't you blow out that lamp ?' 
 
 ' Well, sure enough,' was the reply ; * it ain't out, is it ? Well, 
 never mind, John, it'll go out itself in a little while/ 
 
 * No it wont go out itself in a room where I sleep/ And in a 
 twinkling of a cat's tail, John had extinguished the light and re- 
 turned to his bed, muttering as he did so, ' I'd rather get up a 
 dozen times, than to die as Daniel Hoskins did/ 
 
 In the morning, John wanted to know all the particulars about 
 the death of Mr. Hoskins ; but William had no recollection of 
 ever speaking of it, and accused the honest fellow of dreaming. 
 
 GEOLOGY * I never neard of secondary formations without 
 pleasure that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary 
 formations, for they were formed after the man.' 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 21D 
 
 BITS OF THE LIVELY. 
 
 THE man who attempted to "cloak his sins/' could not find a 
 garment large enough. 
 
 A member of the Peace Society is said to have objected to live 
 on the earth because it is a revolver. 
 
 Give a man brains and riches, and he is a king. Give a man 
 brains without riches, and he is a slave. Give a man riches with- 
 out brains, and he is a fool. 
 
 The bank where the wild thyme grows, has declared a dividend 
 of ten scents on the share. 
 
 The young lady who " fell in love," has just been pulled out by 
 the daring fellow who "successfully struggled with the world." 
 
 A love-sick swain in describing a kiss says it is a draught that 
 passes through the system like a bucket of water through a basket 
 of eggs. 
 
 Sydney Smith's definition of the Popish Eitual : ' Posture and 
 imposture, flections and genuflections, bowing to the right, curtsey- 
 ing to the left, and an immense amount of man-millinery: 
 
 The man who minds his own business has obtained steady em- 
 ployment. 
 
 " I know every rock on the coast," cried an Irish pilot, when the 
 ship then bumped "and that's one of them." 
 
 They say there are fleas enough in Turkey to dam up the Bos- 
 phorous. The Turks wear them as lining for their shirts. 
 
 A mesmerised druggist, on having his organ of adhesivness 
 touched, immediately rose and said he would spread a plaister. 
 
 Courting is an irregular, active, transitive verb, indicative mood, 
 present tense, third person, singular number, and agrees with all 
 the girls in the town. 
 
 A militia officer wanted to compliment a negro by drinking 
 with him. " Well, captain," said Cuff. " I'se very dry, so I wont 
 be ugly about it. Some niggers are too proud to drink with a 
 malishy ossifer, but I think a malishy ossifer, when he is sober, is 
 just as good as a nigga 'specially when the nigga is dry." 
 
 Barnum offers five hundred dollars for the hen that " laid a 
 wager." One hundred dollars for the cat that was " let out of the 
 bag." Two hundred for the cow that " chowed the cud of sweet 
 and bitter fancy." And three hundred and sixty for the horse that 
 lives upon the " wild oats" sowed by a " fast" young man. 
 
250 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 TERRIFIC BALLOON ADVENTURE. 
 
 "You are about to witness Monsieur G.'s ascension," said a gentleman 
 to me, as I entered the enclosure devoted to the aeronautic display, lie 
 was an entire stranger to me ; but not being superstitious in matters of 
 etiquette, as we might suppose " a gentleman of distinction" to be, I did 
 not object to this brusque mode of introduction, and so civilly answered 
 Yes." 
 
 "But I shall go farther to see it than you will," continued the gentle- 
 man; "I intend to ascend ^rith Monsieur G " 
 
 " You may go farther and fare worse," said I. 
 
 "You are pleased to be witty," said he ; "but I intend to make some 
 examination of those upper regions for myself to ascertain whether the 
 stars celestial are on duty during the day, or whether theirs is as much a 
 sinecure as the office of our ' stars' terrestrial. Would you like to ascend 
 with us ?" 
 
 " No, thank you kindly," said I ; in getting into the clouds one might 
 lose oneself the way is likely to be MIST ! Every one to his taste ; the 
 earth has such charms tor me that I would not change a spadeful of it for 
 cubic miles of the blue empyrean. I'm no poet." 
 
 Vain declaration ! How little did I imagine the horrors that awaited 
 me 1 How little did I foresee my dreadful fate in hanging between the 
 heavens and the earth, a spectacle to laughing men, giggling women, and 
 insensate hooting boys ! 
 
 We entered the enclosure, there was the vast silken bubble, puffing out 
 its hollow cheeks like the face of a fat clown when laughing, and rising and 
 tugging away at the ropes, as if impatient to leave our society. 
 
 " You will not accompany me ?" said my friend ; to which I replied in 
 the negative. 
 
 "Perhaps the gentleman would assist in cutting the ropes, " said the 
 aeronaut, in French, which, singularly enough, I understood at that mo- 
 tnent, though 1 never before or since ventured to exhibit my knowledge. 
 
 " Certainly," said I, " with pleasure." 
 
 "Thank you, said the aeronaut ; " please take yonr station." 
 
 He and my friend entered the car. I grasped one of the ropes and 
 awaited the order. In a moment more it came. 
 
 " Cut!" said one voice. "No, hold on," said another. 
 
 I was bewildered, and did both. When the others cut, I did the same, 
 and with the direction to hold on, 1 grasped the end of the rope still near 
 me, and "held on." In a moment more I was fifty feet from the ground. 
 
 Imagine my SUSPENSE ! There was I, like a freshly caught fish, dangling 
 at the end of a line, with the balloon representing the float. I cried out 
 to my friend and the aeronaut, but in vain. The spectators below, think- 
 ing I was some aerial acrobat, who was about to turn fifty double somer- 
 sets and then alight upon his feet before them, cheered sufficiently to drown 
 rny voice. The parties in the car could not see me. But, by the hat 
 swung occasionally over the side, I knew they were bowing io the crowd 
 below. Meanwhile, I was swinging like a pendulum below them, with 
 only ten fingers to sustain the weight of one hundred and eighty pounds, 
 (I'm rather stout), and to preserve me from being thinly spread over the 
 ground beneath, from "larding the lean earth" with my human form divine. 
 What an age of terror! The dome of St. Paul's became a parasol; men 
 became nine-pins ; and fine gothic churches began to look like so many 
 chicken-coops. 
 
MEEEY COMPANION. 251 
 
 In the meantime my fingers stiffened, but I clutched the rope with the 
 energy of despair. I had long ceased calling ; I had exhausted myself. 
 Suddenly a cold perspiration broke out upon me ; I knew my hour had 
 come. My fingers were slowly slipping down the rope! Oh! those ago- 
 nising moments ! Inch by inch I approached my doom. First the left hand 
 lost its hold ; and then, as I felt the end slipping by the little finger of the 
 right, I gave one brief prayer and fell OUT OF BED 1 
 
 Being, as I before observed, a corpulent man, my fall had shaken the 
 whole house, and the alarmed inmates, aroused from " sweet slumbers," 
 were knocking violently at the door, which had the effect of restoring me 
 to consciousness, when I discovered that my " terrific balloon ascent" was 
 nothing more than a nightmare, superinduced, I am led to believe, by the 
 festivities usual on Christmas day, in which I may say I indulged somewhat 
 
 on Monday last, in No ! I will not betray my friends ; but allow me to 
 
 tell you, dear reader, that such a Christmas dinner as they gave is not to 
 be sneezed at. 
 
 An old soldier, whose nose had been lopped off by a sabre 
 cut, happened to give a few pence to a beggar, who exclaimed in 
 return : 
 
 " God preserve your eyesight !" 
 
 " Why so ?" inquired the veteran. 
 
 " Becanse, sir," was the reply, " if your eyes should grow weak, 
 you couldn't keep spectacles before them I*' 
 
 " How has it happened," asked a conceited youngster of Dr. 
 Parr, " that you never wrote a book ? Suppose we write one 
 together." 
 
 "In that way," replied the doctor, " we might isake a very 
 thick one, indeed." 
 
 "How?" 
 
 " Why, by putting in all that I know and all that you do not 
 know." * 
 
 * Massa,' said a black steward of a Marblehead captain, as they 
 fell in with a homeward bound vessel, ' I wish you'd write a few 
 lines for me, to send to the old woman, because I can't write.' 
 
 4 Certainly,' said the good-natured skipper, taking his writing 
 materials, 4 now, what shall I say ?' 
 
 Pompey told the story which he wished his wife to know, which 
 his amanuensis faithfully recorded. 
 
 4 Is that all, Pomp ?' asked the captain, preparing to seal the 
 letter. 
 
 ' Yes, massa,' replied he, showing his ivory. ' Thank you, but 
 'fore you close him, jist say, please 'scuse bad spelling and writiug, 
 will ye f 
 
252 
 
 MEERT COMPANION. 
 
 QUIZZING A QUIZZER. A professional gentleman of our ac- 
 quaintance has hanging in his room a fine, large, coloured engra- 
 ving of the head of a quadruped, vulgarly known as a jackass. 
 Not long since a friend of his dropped in, and stopping before the 
 picture, gazed intently on it for a few moments, and then sung 
 out abruptly, and, as he imagined, very wittily : 
 
 ' Hollo, doctor, is that your portrait?' 
 
 * 0, no,' replied the doctor, ' that's simply a looking-glass. 
 
 The ' anxious inquirer' suddenly discovered that he had some 
 business down the street and departed. 
 
 KEEP AT WORK. 
 
 Does a mountain on you frown ? 
 
 Keep at work 
 You may undermine it yet, 
 
 If you stand and thump its base : 
 Sorrow bruises you may get. 
 
 Keep at work. 
 
 Does Miss Fortune's face look sour? 
 
 Keep at work ; 
 
 She may smile again some day : 
 If you pull your hair and fret, 
 Rest assured she'll have her way. 
 
 Keep at work. 
 
 Are you censured by your friends ? 
 
 Keep at work, 
 Whether they are wrong or right. 
 
 May be you must bide your time, 
 If for victory you fight ; 
 
 Keep at work. 
 
 If the devil growls at you, 
 
 Keep at work ; 
 That's the best way to resist. 
 
 If you hold an argument, 
 You may feel his iron fist. 
 Keep at work. 
 
 Are your talents vilified? 
 
 Keep at work ; 
 
 Greater men than you are hated. 
 If you are right, then go ahead, 
 Grit will be appreciated. 
 Keep at Work. 
 
 Every thing is done by labour- 
 Keep at Work, 
 
 If you would improve your station; 
 They have help from Providence 
 
 Who work out their own salvation : 
 Keep at Work. 
 
 * Jack,' said one sailor to another, ' I don't want to hurt your 
 feelings, but shiver my timbers if I don't believe you stole my 
 watch.' 
 
 Don't despair. If you slip down, just get up. A stout heart is 
 as sure finally to weather the gale, as a pretty girl is to bring down 
 the man of her choice. 
 
 When the Princess Helena was born, it is said that the Princess 
 Royal on hearing that she was now blessed with another little sis- 
 ter, exclaimed with the most charming simplicity, ' O how delighted 
 I am ! do let me go and tell mamma !* 
 
MEERY COMPANION. 253 
 
 A "SINE QUA NON." 
 
 A writer in Harper's Magazine says Mr. Clay related the fol- 
 lowing anecdote in a speech at Syracuse, New York, many years 
 ago: 
 
 " When I was abroad/' says he, " laboring to arrange the terms 
 of the treaty of Ghent, there appeared a report of the negotiation, 
 or letters relative thereto, and several quotations from my remarks 
 in letters touching certain stipulations in the treaty reached Ken- 
 tucky, and were read by my constituents. Among them was an 
 odd fellow, who went by the name of old Sandusky, and he was 
 reading one of those letters one evening, at a near resort to a small 
 collection of neighbours. As he read on, he came across the sen- 
 tence, ' This must be a sine qua non.' 
 
 " What's a sine qua non ?" said a half dozen bystanders. 
 4 Old Sandusky was a little bothered at first, but his natural 
 shrewdness was fully equal to a ' mastery of the latin ' 
 
 "' Sine qua non? said old Sandusky, repeating tne question 
 very slowly ; 4 why Sine Qua Non is three islands in Passamaquoddy 
 Bay, and Harry Clay is the last man to give them up ! No Sine 
 Qua Non, no treaty, he says ; and he'll stick to it."' 
 
 You should have seen the sanguine eye aud the change in the 
 speaker's voice and manner, said the narrator, to understand the 
 electric effect the story had upon the audience. 
 
 " Ah, mon Dieu ! mon Bieu !" said Monsieur Melemots to his 
 friend Sniffins, " my sweetheart have give me de mitten." 
 
 " Indeed ? how did that happen ?" 
 
 44 Veil I tought I must go to make her von viseet, before I leave 
 town ; so I step in de side of de room, and dare I behold her 
 beautifool pairson stretch out on von lazy" 
 
 44 A lounge, you mean." 
 
 " Ah, yes on von lounge. And den I say I vas very sure she 
 would be rotten, if I did not come to see her before 1 " 
 
 44 You said ivhut P" 
 
 " I said she would be rotten, if " 
 
 44 That's enough. You have ' put your foot in it,' to be sure." 
 
 44 No, sare. I put my foot out of it, for she says she would call 
 her sacre big brudder, and keek me out, beyar ! I had intention 
 to say mortified, but I could not tink of de vird, aud mortify and 
 rut is all same as von, in my dictionaire.' 
 
 4 James, who was the oldest man?' * Doesn't know, sir.' 
 * Well, who was the oldest woman, then ?' 4 Ann Tiquity, sir.' 
 
254 MEERY COMPANION. 
 
 A THRUE SARMINT. 
 
 The other morning 1 as Father O'Neil mounted the rostrum of the 
 chapel of Rathfryland, having just come over from Ballygraddy on his 
 one-eyed, minus-tailed shelty, which was tied to a post behind the 
 chapel, he thus addressed his assembled congregation : " My frinds, 
 turn wid me, if you plase, as the subject of our morning's meditations, 
 to Paal's Episle to the Romans. But I may as well tell you that some 
 of yez knows as little about what an episle manes as a Connaught cow 
 knows about plaiting a shurt-front. But an episle, let me inform yez, 
 is neither more nor less than a lether ; and that Paal wrote this lether 
 and addhressed it is evident to uz all : but whether he saled the lether, 
 or meerely stuck a wafer into it, all the commentators I have consulted 
 have not being able to inform me. Howsumever, my frinds, he did 
 not address it to them durty Episcopalians, nor to them scurvy Pres- 
 bytarians, nor to them theiviu' Unitarians, or any o' them hereticinu- 
 rians. No ! he addhressed it to you, my frinds the Romans. I in- 
 tind to divide my discoorse this morning into three heads. The furst 
 will thrate on something that I know meeself, and that never a one of 
 yez knows a haporth about. In the second place, I am going to spake 
 about something yourselves knows all about, and I know nothing 
 about meeself ; and in the ihurd place, I mane to spake to yez about 
 something that naither you nor I knows any thing about at all at all. 
 In the furst place, then, as I was mounting my nag this morning to 
 come over to praiche to yez here, I tore a thumping big hole in the 
 knay of my black throusers, and you knew nothing about that. In 
 the second place, you know when yez going to give me a new pair, and 
 I don't. And, thurdly, we don't know what that durty Prottistant 
 tailor oover the way will be afther charging us for them." 
 
 THE DRUNKARD'S LIBERTY. Drink promised me liberty, and 
 I got it. I had the liberty to see my toes poke out of my boots 
 the water had the liberty to go in at the toes and out at my 
 heels my knees had the "liberty to come out of my pants nay 
 elbows had the liberty to come out of my coat and I had the 
 liberty to lift the crown of my hat and scratch my head without 
 taking my hat off. 
 
 DECEAT. A grave digger, meetin a man ats poavly, an he tells 
 him at he hope's he's gettin better. 
 
 A sarvant lass goin aght a doors at neet, we a pretence to fetch 
 sum coils, when, at the same time, its nobbut ta see if t sweet- 
 heart's onny where abaght. 
 
 A nabor axin anuther ta sit daan, when, at the same time, they 
 want em ta wauk abaght ther bizuass. 
 
MERRY COMPANION. 255 
 
 WESTERN ETIQUETTE. The Chicago Democrat says that the 
 Yankee traveller who saw the live Housier, has again written to 
 his mother, telling her his experience, as follows: 
 
 "Western people are death on etiquette. You can't tell a man 
 here that he lies without fighting. A few days ago a man was tel- 
 ling two of his neighbours in my hearing a pretty large story. Says 
 I, * Stranger, that's a whopper !' 
 
 " Says he, ' Lie there, stranger!' And in the twinkling of an 
 eye, 1 found myself in the ditch, a perfect quadruped, the worse 
 for wear and tear. 
 
 " Upon another occasion, said I to a man I never saw before, 
 as a woman passed, 'That isn't a specimen of your western wo- 
 men, is it?' 
 
 "Says he, 'You are afraid of the fever and ague, stranger, ain't 
 you ?* * Very much,' says I. 
 
 "'Well,' replied he, 'that lady is my wife, and if you don't 
 apologise in two minutes, by the honour of a gentleman, I swear 
 that these two pistols' which he held cocked in his hands 'shall 
 cure you of that disorder entirely. So don't fear, stranger !' 
 
 "So I knelt down and politely apologised. I admire this wes- 
 tern country much ; but darn me if I can stand so much etiquette, 
 it always takes me unawares." 
 
 THE MAIDEN AND THE PHILOSOPHER. 
 
 As Kate went tripping up the town 
 (No lassie e'er look'd prettier,) 
 
 An "unco chiel," in cap and gown 
 (No mortal e'er like look'd grittier,) 
 
 Accosted Kitty in tbe street, 
 As she was going to cross over, 
 
 And robb'd her of a kiss the cheatr 
 Saying "I am a philosopher !' 
 
 "A what?" said Kitty, blushing red, 
 And gave his cap a toss over, 
 
 "Are you? Oh, phi !" and off she sped, 
 While he bewail'd the loss-op h-ker ! 
 
 One day last week we sent a Bohemian girl, who does not un- 
 derstand English very well, to Fulton for a IVesh cod. She came 
 back without one, and said the fisher-man told her they had all 
 the ' head-ache,' and he could not let her have any. We after- 
 wards learnt upon inquiry, that he told her they were all ' haddock,' 
 and he had no cod ! 
 
 ' Pray, Miss Primrose, do you like steam boats !' inquired a gen- 
 tleman of a fair friend to whom he was paying his addresses. 
 ' Oh! pretty well,' replied the lady, 'but I'm exceedingly focid of 
 a smack.' The lover took the hint, and impressed a chaste salute 
 on the lips of the blushing damsel. 
 
256 MERRY COMPANION. 
 
 A wealthy Quaker in Indiana, whose four beautiful horses were 
 the admiration of the place, was asked to aid pecuniarily in the for- 
 mation of a regiment of cavalry. He replied, " Friend, thou know- 
 est that I cannot give thee money or horses for war war is wicked 
 but as for my four horses, it is true that two will serve my needs ; 
 and, friend, I will say this to thee, that my stable door is not locked ; 
 and if I see thee on one of my horses, and thy friend James on 
 another, I will keep the peace towards both." The stable door was 
 found unlocked, and the Quaker did not go before the magistrate 
 when two of his line horses were missing. 
 
 Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good reason 
 that the old Texan ranger gave when he was asked why he didn't 
 buy land when it was dog cheap. " Well, I did come nigh onto 
 taking eight thousand acres onest," said old Joe mournfully. " You 
 see, two of the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt, without 
 any shoes, and offered me their titles to the two leagues just below 
 here for a pair of boots." " For a pair of boots !" I cried out. 
 "Yes, for a pair of boots for each league." " But why on earth didn't 
 you take it? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. 
 Why didn't you give them the boots?" "Jest 'cause I didn't have 
 the boots to give," said old Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, 
 quite as contented as if he owned two leagues of land. 
 
 ONCE COLOURED, ALWAYS COLOURED. A negro woman was re- 
 lating her experience to a gaping congregation of colour, and among 
 other things she said she had been in heaven. One of the ladies of 
 colour asked her, " Sister, did you see any black folks in heaven ?" 
 ** Oh, get out ! you 'spose I go in de kitchen when I was dar !" 
 This reminds us of the anecdote of a coloured man who was so con- 
 vinced of the lowliness of his position, and that labour was his 
 natural lot, that he was even indifferent as to a future state, believ- 
 ing that " dey'll make nigger work, eben ef he go to Hebben." A 
 clergyman tried to argue him out of this opinion by representing 
 that this could not be the case, inasmuch as there was absolutely no 
 work for him to do in heaven. His answer was " Oh you g'way, 
 massa, I know better. If dares no work for cullerd folks up dar, 
 dey'll make some f ur'em ; and if dere's nuffin better to do, dey'll 
 make 'em shub de clouds along. You can't fool this chile, massa." 
 
 NICHOLSON AND SONS, PUBLISHERS, HALIFAX. 
 
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