UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 
 AT LOS ANGELES
 
 THE 
 
 LAME LOVER, 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 IN THREE ACTS. 
 
 As it is Performed at the 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL in the HAY-MARKET. 
 
 By SAMUEL FOOTE, Efq. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for PAUL VAILLANT : and fold by P. ELMSLY, 
 in the Strand; and ROBINSON and ROBERTS, No, 25, 
 Pater-nofter-How. MDCCLXX.
 
 > "PR 
 
 N, 
 
 TO 
 
 & 
 THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 FRANCIS SEYMOUR CONWAY^ ' 
 
 EARL OF HERTFORD, 
 
 LORD CHAMBERLAIN OF 
 
 HIS MAJESTY'S HOUSHOLD, 
 
 TO WHOSE 
 POLITENESS AND CANDOUR 
 
 THE AUTHOR 
 OWES EVERY ACKNO WLEDGMENT* 
 
 THIS COMEDY IS 
 ^ GRATEFULLY DEDICATED 
 
 B Y 
 t HIS LORDSHIP'S 
 
 MOST OBLIGED 
 > AND 
 
 3 MOST OBEDIENT SERVANT, 
 
 4- 
 
 T 
 
 4 North End. 
 
 1 
 
 SAM. FOOtE- 
 
 421156
 
 

 
 PROL OGUE. 
 
 Written and Spoken by Mr. GENTLEMAN. 
 
 pROLOGUES, like cards of compliment, we find, 
 * Mojl as unmeaning as politely kind j 
 To beg a favour, or to plead excufe, 
 Of both appears to be the genral ufe. 
 
 Shall my words, tipt with flattery, prepare 
 / kmd exertion of your tender eft care ? 
 Shall I prefent our Author to y our fight, 
 A.I pale and trembling for bis fate this night ? 
 Shall I foliiih the mojl Pwitfm arms 
 To aid his cat'fe the force of beauty* s charms ? 
 Or tell each critic, his approving tajle 
 Mnji give th'jlerlingjiamp, wb&revtr placd ? 
 This might be done but fo to feek applaufe 
 Argues a confcious. iveaknefs in the cc.tift. 
 No let the Mttfs in Jimp le truth appear, 
 Rcafon and Nature are the judges here : 
 If by their 1 ftt icJ and fe'tf- dsjcribing laws, 
 Th? fev'ral cbaraflers to-night jke draws ; 
 If from the ivhde a pkoftng piece is made, 
 On the true principles of light and fnade ; 
 Struck Uiitb the harmsny of juft defign^, 
 Your eyes yiur ears .your htar'ts, will all combing 
 To grant 'applaitfc : but if an erring hand 
 G' 5/5 d:fproporiicn marks in motley band, 
 If the grouped figures falfc connexions fhow, 
 And glaring colours without nxav'tng ghw, 
 Tour wound-: d feelings, turn' ft a d'jf'rent way, 
 
 '.tftiy damn ttf abortion of a play. 
 As Farquhar has objcrv'tj, cur Engltjh law, 
 Lihe a fair fpreading cak, the MuJtJbouU draw, 
 By Prwidtnce d>'figrid, and wifdom mads 
 for hor,f/ly to tifive bcneaih its /badt ; 
 Yet from its boughs fome irijefli JJtelter find} 
 Dead to each nob'tr feeling of the mind, 
 Who thrive, alas ! tot ivell^ and never ceafe 
 To prey on juftlce, property, and peace. 
 
 2 At
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 At fucb to-night t with other legal 
 Our venfrous author takes fatiric aim ; 
 And brings, he hopes , originals to view, 
 Jtfor pilfers from th' Old Magpie, nor the New*. 
 But will to Candour cbearfully fubmit ; 
 She reigns in boxes, galleries, and pit. 
 
 Alluding to Mr. Garrick's Prologue t<> the Jubilee* 
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 MEN. 
 
 Sir LUKE LIMP, 
 Serjeant CIRCUIT, 
 Colonel SECRET, 
 JACK, 
 
 Mr. WOOD FORD, 
 Mr. FAIRPLAY, 
 Firft SERVANT, 
 Second SERVANT, 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT, 
 CHARLOT, 
 Mrs. SIMPER, 
 BETTY, 
 
 Mr. Foote. 
 Mr. Vandermere. 
 Mr. Robfon. 
 Mr. Wefton. 
 Mr. Knowles* 
 Mr. Wheeler. 
 Mr. Dancer. 
 Mr. Griffiths. 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Mrs. Gardner. 
 Mrs. Jewell. 
 Mrs. Saunderj. 
 Mrs. R&ad.
 
 THE 
 
 LAME LOVER. 
 
 ***##**#**##********* 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 Enter Serjeant CIRCUIT 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Tell you, Sir, his love to me is all a 
 pretence : it is amazing that you, 
 who are fo acute, fo quick in dif- 
 cerning on other occasions, Ihould 
 be fo blind upon this. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But where are your proofs, Chariot ? What 
 fignifies your opening matters which your evi- 
 dence cannot fuppon ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Surely, Sir, ftrong circumftances in every 
 court fhould have weight. 
 
 B s E R-
 
 2 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 So they have collaterally, child, that is by way 
 as it were of corroboration, or where matters are 
 doubtful ; then indeed, as Plowden wifely, ob- 
 ferves " Les circonftances ajout beaucoup de- 
 " poids aux faits." You underftand me ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Not perfectly well. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Then to explain by cafe in point , A, we 
 will fuppofe, my dear, robs B of a watch upon 
 Hounflow heath dy'e mind, child ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 I do, Sir. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 A, is taken lip and indicted ; B fwears pofi- 
 tively to the idenity of A. Dy'e obferve ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Attentively. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Then what' does me A, but lets up the alibi 
 C, to defeat the affidavit of B. You take me. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Clearly. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 So far you fee then the ballance is even. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 True. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But then to turn the fcale, child, againft A, in 
 favour of B, they produce the circumftance D, 
 viz. B's watch found in the pocket of A; upon 
 
 which
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 3 
 
 Vhich, the teftimony of C being contradicted 
 by B, no, by D, why then A, that is to fay C, 
 no D, -joining B, they convict C, no, no, 
 A, againft the affidavit of C. So this being 
 pretty clear, child, Heave the application to you. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Very obliging, Sir. But fuppofe now, Sir, it 
 Ihould appear that the attention of Sir Luke 
 Limp is directed to fome other object, would 
 not that induce you to 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Other object! Where? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 In this very houfe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Here ! why the girl is non- compos ; there's 
 nobody here,'child, but a parcel of Abigals. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 No, Sir ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 No. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Yes, Sir, one perfon elfe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Who is that ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 But remember, Sir,,my accufation is confined 
 to Sir Luke. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 WelJ, well. 
 
 B 2 CHAR-
 
 4. THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Suppofe then, Sir, thofe powerful charms 
 which made a conqueft of you/roay haye ex- 
 tended their empire over the heart of Sir Luke? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why, huffy, you don't hint at your mother- 
 in-law ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Indeed, Sir, but I do. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Ay -, why this is point blank treafon againft 
 my fovereign authority : but can you, Chariot, 
 bring proof of any overt acts ? 
 
 C H A R L O T 
 Overt afls ! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Ay ; that is any declaration by writing, or 
 even word of mouth is fufficient ; then let *em 
 demur if they dare. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 I can't fay that, Sir; but another organ has 
 been pretty explicit. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Which ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 In thofe cafes a vefy infallible one the eye. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Plhaw ! nonfenfe and ftuff. The eye ! The 
 eye has no authority in a court of law. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Perhaps not, Sir ; but it is a decifive evidence 
 in a court of love.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 5 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Hark you, huffy, why you would not file an 
 information againft the virtue of madam your 
 mother ; you would not infmuate that fhe has 
 been guilty of crim. con. ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Sir, you miftake me ; it is not the lady, but 
 the gentleman I am about to impeach. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Have a care, Chariot ! I fee on what ground 
 your action is founded jealoufy. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 You were never more deceiv'd in your life ; 
 for it is impoflible, my dear Sir, that jealoufy can 
 fubfift without love. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Well. 
 
 C H A' R L O T, 
 
 And from that paffion (thank heaven) I am 
 pretty free at prefent. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 CHAR I/O T. 
 A fweet object to excite tender defines ! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 And why not, huffy ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Firft as to his years. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 What then ? 
 
 CHAR-
 
 6 THE LAME LOVER. 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 I own, Sir, age procures honor, but I believe 
 it is very rarely productive of love. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Mighty well. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 And tbo' the lofs of a leg can't be imputed to 
 Sir Luke Limp as a fault 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How! 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 I hope, Sir, at leaft you will allow it a misfor- 
 tune. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 A pretty thing truly, for a girl, at my time of 
 life, to be ty'd to a man with one foot in the 
 grave. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 One foot in the grave! the reft of his body is 
 not a whit the nearer for that. There has been 
 only an execution iffued againft part of his per- 
 fonals, his real eftate is unencumbered and free 
 befides, you fee he does not mind it a whit, 
 but is as alert, and as merry, as a defendant after 
 non-fuiting a plaintiff for omitting an S. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 O! Sir! I know how proud Sir Luke is of his 
 leg, and have' often heard him declare, that he 
 would not change his bit of timber for the beft 
 fleih and bone in the kingdom. 
 
 S E R-
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 7 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 There's a hero for you ! 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 To be fure, fuilaining unavoidable evils 
 with conftancy is a certain fign of greatnefs of 
 mind. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Doubtlefs. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 But then to derive a vanity from a misfortune, 
 will not I'm afraid be admitted as a vaft inftance 
 of wifdom, and indeed looks as if the man had 
 nothing better to diftinguilh himfelf by. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How does that follow ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 By inunendo. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Negattir. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Befides, Sir, I have other proofs of your he- 
 ro's vanity, not inferior to that I have mention'd. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Cite them. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 The paltry ambition of levying and following 
 titles. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Titles ! I don't underftand you ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 I mean the poverty of fattening in public upon 
 
 men of diftinction, for no other reafon but be- 
 
 6 caufc
 
 8 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 caufe of their rank , adhering to Sir John till 
 the Baronet is fuperceded by my Lord ; quitting 
 the puny Peer tor an liarl ; and facrificing all 
 three to a Duke. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Keeping good company ! a laudable ambition ! 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 True, Sir, if the virtues that procur'd the 
 father a peerage, could with thaE be entail'd on 
 the fon. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Have a care, huffy there are fevere laws 
 againft fpeaking evil of dignities. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Sir! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Scandalum magnatum is a flatute muft not be 
 trifled with: why you are not one of thofe vulgar 
 flutsthat think a man theworfe for being a Lord? 
 
 C H A R-L O T. 
 
 No, Sir , I am contented with only, not think- 
 ing him the better. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 For all this, I believe, huffy, a right honour- 
 able propofal would foon make you alter your 
 
 mind. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Not unlefs the propofer had other qualities 
 than what he poffeffes by patent. Befides, Sir, 
 you know Sir Luke is a devotee to the bottle. 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Not a whit the Icfs honeft for that. 
 
 CHAR-
 
 THE LAME LOVER. $ 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 It occafions one evil at leaft ; that when 
 tinder its influence, he generally reveals all, 
 fometimes more than he knows. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Proofs of an open temper, you baggage : but, 
 come, come, all thefe are but trifling objections. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 You mean, Sir, they prove the objeft a trifle. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why you pert jade, do you play on my words? 
 I fay Sir Luke is 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Nobody* 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Kobody ! how the deuce do you make that 
 out ? He is neither perfon attained or out- 
 law'd, may in any of 'his majefty's courts fue 
 or be fued, appear by attorney, or in propria 
 perfona, can acquire, buy, procure, purchafe, 
 poflefs, and inherit, not only perfonalities, fuch 
 as goods, and chattels, but even realities, as 
 all lands, tenements, and hereditaments, what- 
 foever, and wherefoever. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 But, Sir 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Nay, further child, he may fell, give, be- 
 flow, bequeath, devife, demife, leafe, or to 
 farm lett, ditto lands, to any perfon whomfoever 
 and 
 
 C CHAR-
 
 ,0 THE LAME- LOVER. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Without doubt, Sir ^ but there are notwith- 
 ftanding in this town a great number of nobo- 
 dies, not defcribed by lord Coke. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Hey! 
 
 5 C H A R L O T. 
 
 There is your next-door neighbour, Sir Har- 
 ry Hen, an abfolute blank. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How fo, Mrs. Pert ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 What, Sir ! a man who is not fuffer'd to hear, 
 fee, fmell, or in mortto enjoy the free ufe of any 
 one of his fenfes , who, inftead of having a po- 
 fitive will of his own, is deny'd even a paltry ne- 
 gative; who can neither refolve or reply, confent 
 or deny, without firft obtaining the leave of his 
 lady : an abfolute monarch to fink into the 
 fneaking ftate of being a flave to one of his fub- 
 jeas Oh fye ! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Why, to be fure, Sir Harry Hen, is as I may 
 
 fay 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Nobody Sir, in the fulleft fenfe of the word 
 Then your client Lord Solo. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Heyday ! Why you would not annihilate a 
 peer of the realm, with a prodigious eftate and 
 an allow'd judge too of the elegant arts. 
 
 CHAR-
 
 THE LAME LOVER, u 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 O yes, Sir, I am no ftranger to that noble- 
 man's attributes ; but then, Sir, pleafe toconfi- 
 der, his power as a peer he gives up to a proxy; 
 the direction of his eilate, to a rapacious, artful 
 attorney : and as to his fkill in the elegant arts, 
 I prefume you confine them to .painting and 
 mufic, he is directed in the firft by Mynheer 
 Van Eifel, a Dutch dauber ; and in the laft is 
 but the echo of Signora Florenza, his lord- 
 fliip's miftrefs and an opera finger. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Mercy upon us ! at what a rate the jade runs 1 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 In fhort, Sir, I define every individual who, 
 ccafing to act for himfelf, becomes the tool, the 
 mere engine of another man's will, to be nothing 
 more than a cypher. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 At this rate the jade will half unpeople the 
 world : but what is all this to Sir Luke ? to 
 him, not one of your cafes apply. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Every one Sir Luke has not a firft princi- 
 ple in his whole compofition ; not only his plea- 
 lures, but even his paflions are prompted by 
 others; and he is as much directed to the ob- 
 jects of his love and his hatred, as in his eating, 
 drinking, and drefiing. Nay, though he is 
 aclive, and eternally bufy, yet his own private 
 affairs are negkcted ; and he would not icruple 
 to break an appointment that was to determine 
 a confiderable part of his property, in order to 
 C 2 exchange
 
 12 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 exchange a couple of hounds for a lord, or to 
 buy a pad-nag for a lady. In a word but he's 
 at hand, and will explain hirnfelf beft ; I hear 
 his flump on the flairs. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I hope you will preferve a little decency be- 
 fore your lover at leafl. 
 
 (? H A R L O T f 
 Lover ! ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter Sir LUKE LIMP. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Mr. Serjeant, your flave: Ah ! are you there 
 my little O Lord ! Mifs, let me tell you 
 fomething for fear of forgetting Do you know 
 that you are new chriflen'd, and have had me 
 for a gofllp ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Chriften'd ! 1 don't underftand you. 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Then lend me your ear Why laft night, as 
 Colonel Kill'em, Sir William Weezy, Lord Fre- 
 derick Foretop, and I were carelefsly fliding the 
 Ranelagh round, picking our teeth, after a 
 damn'd muzzy dinner at Boodle's, who ihould 
 trip by but an abbefs, well known about town, 
 with a fmart little nun in her fuite. Says Weezy 
 (who, between ourfelves, is as hufky as hell) 
 Who is that ? odds flefh, flic's a delicate wench ! 
 Zounds ! cried Lord Frederick, where can 
 Weezy have been, not to have feen the Harietta 
 before ? for you mufl know Frederick is a bit 
 of Macaroni, and adores the foft Italian termi- 
 nation in a.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 13 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 He does ? 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Yes, a delitanti all over. Before ? replied 
 Weezy ; crufli me if ever I faw any thing half 
 fo handfome before ! No ! replied I in an in- 
 fant ; Colonel, what will Weezy fay when he 
 fees the Charlotta ? Hey ! you little . 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Cleaning me, I prefume. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Without doubt ; and you have been toafted 
 by that name ever finne, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 What a vaft fund of fpirits he has ! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 And why not, my old fplitter of caufes ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I was j uft telling Chariot, that you was not a> 
 whit the worfe for the lofs. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 The worfe ! much the better, my dear. Con- 
 fider, I can have neither flrain, fplint, fpavin, 
 pr gout ; have no fear of corns, kibes, or that 
 another man mould kick my fhins, or tread on 
 my toes. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Right. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 What d'ye think I would change with Bill 
 Spindle for one of his drumfticks, or chop with 
 Lord Lumber for both of his logs ? 
 
 2 * E R-
 
 I 4 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 No! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 No, damn it, I am much better. Look 
 there Ha! What is there I am not able to 
 do ? To be fure I am a little aukward at run- 
 ning ; but then, to make me amends, I'll hop 
 with any man in town for his fum. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Ay, and I'll go his halves. 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Then as to your dancing, I am cut out at 
 Madam Cornelly's, I grant, becaufe of the 
 croud ; but as far as a private fet of fix couple, 
 or moving ,a chair-minuet, match me who can. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 A chair-minuet ! I don't underftand you. 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Why, child, all grace is confined to the mo- 
 tion of the head, arms, and cheft, which may 
 fitting be as fully difplayed, as if one had as 
 many legs as a polypus. As thus tolde rol 
 don't you fee ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Very plain. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 A leg ! a redundancy ! a mere nothing at all. 
 Man is from nature an extravagant creature. In 
 my opinion, we might all be full as well as we 
 are, with but half the things that we have. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Ay, Sir Luke j how do you prove that ? 
 
 Sir
 
 THELAME LOVER. 15 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 By conftant experience. You muft have feen 
 the man who makes and ufes pens without hands. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 I have. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 And not a twelvemonth agone, I loft my way 
 in a fog, at Mile-End, and was conducted to 
 my houfe in May -Fair by a man as blind as a 
 beetle. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Wonderful ! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 And as to hearing and fpeaking, thofe or- 
 gans are of no manner of ufe in the. world. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 If you doubt it, I will introduce you to a 
 whole family, dumb as oyfters, and deaf as the 
 dead, who chatter from morning till night by 
 only the help, of their fingers. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why, Chariot, thefe are cafes in point. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Oh ! clear as a trout-ftream ; and it is not 
 only, my little Chariot, that this piece of timber 
 anfwers every purpofe, but it lias procured me 
 many a bit of fun in my time. 
 
 SERJEANT. , 
 Ay! 
 
 Sir
 
 jr6 THE LAME L O V E Jfcj 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 it vas but laft fummer, at Tunbridge^ 
 we w\.. r ued the whole feafon by a bullet- 
 headed Swiis from the canton of Bern, who was 
 always boafting, what, and how much he dared 
 do j and then, as to pain, no Stoic, not Dio- 
 genes, held it more in contempt. By gods, he 
 vas no more minds it dan notings at all -So^ 
 foregad, I gave my German a challenge. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 As how ! Mind, Chariot. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Why to drive a corkin pin into the calves of 
 our legs. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Well, well. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Mine, you may imagine, was eafily dono 
 but when it came to the Baron 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Ay, ay. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Our modern Cato foon loft his coolnefs and 
 courage, fcrew'd his nofe up to his foretop, 
 rapp'd out a dozen oaths in high Dutch, limp'd 
 away to his lodgings, and was there laid up for 
 a month Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter a Servant, and delivers a Card to Sir Luke. 
 
 Sir LUKE reads. 
 
 " Sir Gregory Goofe defires the honour of 
 " Sir Luke Limp's company to dine. An an- 
 
 " fWer
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 17 
 
 " fwer is defired." Gadfo! a little unlucky 5 
 I have been engag'd for thefe three weeks. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 What, I find Sir Gregory is return'd for the 
 corporation of Fkefum. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Is he fo ? Oh ho ! That alters the cafe. 
 George, give my compliments to Sir Gregory, 
 and I'll certainly come and dine there. Order 
 Joe to run to alderman Inkle's, in Threadneedle- 
 ftreet; forry can't wait upon him, but confin'd 
 to bed two days with new influenza. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 You make light, Sir Luke, of thefe fort of 
 engagements. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 What can a man do ? Thefe damn'd fel- 
 lows (when one has the misfortune to meet 
 them) take fcandalous advantage , teaze, When 
 will you do me the honour, pray, Sir Luke, to 
 take a bit of mutton with me ? Do you name 
 the day They are as bad as a beggar, who 
 attacks your coach at the mounting of a hill ; 
 there is no getting rid of them, without a penny 
 to one, and a promile to t'other. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 True ; and then for fuch a time too three 
 weeks ! I wonder they expect folks to remem- 
 ber. It is like a retainer in Michaelmas terra 
 for the fummer afiizes. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Not but, upon thefe occafions, no man in 
 
 England is more punctual than 
 
 D Enter
 
 i* THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 Enter a Servant, wbo gives Sir Luke a Letter. 
 
 From whom ? 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Earl of Brentford. The fervant waits for an 
 anfwer. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Anfwer! By your leave, Mr. Serjeant and 
 Chariot. [Reads.] " Tafte for mufic Monf. 
 * Duport fail Dinner upon table at five" 
 Gadfo ! I hope Sir Gregory's fervant an't gone. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 Immediately upon receiving the anfwer. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Run after him as faft as you can tell him, 
 quite in defpair recollect an engagement that 
 can't in nature be miffed, and return in an in- 
 ftant. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 You fee, Sir, the Knight muft give way for 
 my Lord. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 No, faith, it is not that, my dear Chariot j 
 you faw that was quite an extempore bufmefs. 
 No, hang it, no, it is not for the title j but 
 to tell you the truth, Brentford has more wit 
 than any man in the world ; it is that makes 
 tne fond of his houfe. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 By the choice of his company he gives an un- 
 anfwerable inftance of that. 
 
 -' ' Sir
 
 T H E- L A M E L O V E R. 19 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 You are right, my dear girl. But now to 
 give you a proof of his wit : You know Brent- 
 ford's finances are a little out of repair, which 
 procures him fome vifits that he would very 
 gladly excufe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 What need he fear ? His perfon is facred ; 
 for by the tenth of William and Mary 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 He knows that well enough ; but for all 
 that 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Indeed, by a late aft of his own houfe, (which 
 does them infinite honour) his goods or.xhattels 
 may be 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Seiz'd upon when they can find them ; but 
 he lives in ready-furnifh'd lodgings, and hires 
 his coach by the month. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Nay, if the meriff return " non inventus" > 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 A pox o'your law, you make me lofe fight 
 of my ftory. One morning, a Welch coach- 
 maker came with his bill to my. Lord, whofename 
 was unluckily Loyd. My Lord had the man 
 up. You are call'd, I think, Mr. Loyd ? 1 
 At your Lordfhip's fervice, my Lord.' 
 What, Loyd with ati L ? It was with an L in- 
 deed, my Lord. Becaufe in your part of the 
 world I have heard that Loyd and Floyd- were 
 D 2 fyno.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 fynonymous, the very fame names. Very often 
 indeed, my lord. But you always fpell your's 
 with an L ? Always. That, Mr. Loyd, is a 
 little unlucky ; for you mutt know I am now 
 paying my debts alphabetically, and in four or 
 five years you might have come in with an F ; ' 
 but I am afraid 1 can give you no hopes for 
 your L. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 SERVANT. * 
 
 There was no overtaking the fervant. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 That is unlucky : tell my Lord I'll attend 
 him. I'll call on Sir Gregory myfelf. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why, you won't leave us, Sir Luke ? 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Pardon, dear Serjeant and Charlotta ; have a 
 thoufand things to do for half a million of peo- 
 ple pofitively , promifed to procure a hufband 
 tor Lady Cicely Sulky, and match a coach-horfe 
 for Brigadier Whip ; after that, muft run into 
 the city to borrow a thoufand for young At-all 
 at Almack's , fend a Chelhire cheefe by the 
 ftage to Sir Timothy Tankard in Suffolk -, and 
 get at the Herald's Office a coat of arms to 
 clap on the coach of Billy Bengal, a nabob 
 newly arriv'd : fo you fee I have not a moment 
 to lofe. 
 
 SERJEANT, 
 True, true. 
 
 Sir
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 21 
 
 Sir L tf K E. 
 At your toilet to-morrow at ten you may 
 
 Enter a SERVANT abruptly, and runs agalnf 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Can't you fee where you are running^ you. rat 
 
 cal! 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Sir, his grace the Duke of 
 
 . Sir L U K E. 
 
 G&ce IWhere is he ? Where 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 In his coach at the door. If you an't better 
 engaged would be glad of your company to go 
 into the city, and take a dinner at Dolly's, 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 In his own coach did you fay ? 
 
 SERVANT. 
 Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 With the coronets or 
 
 SERVANT. 
 I believe fo. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 There's no refilling of that. Bid Joe run te 
 Sir Gregory Goofe's. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 He is already gone to alderman Inkle's. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Then do you ftep to the Knight hey ! no 
 
 you muft go to my Lord's hold, hold, no I 
 
 i have
 
 22 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 have it Step firft to Sir Greg's, then pop in at 
 Lord Brentford's juft as the company are going 
 to dinner. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 What fhall I fay to Sir Gregory ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Any thing what I told you before. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 And what to my Lord ? 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 What ! Why tell him that my uncle from 
 Epfom no that won't do, for he knows I 
 don't care a farthing for him hey ! Why tell 
 him hold I have it Tell him, that as I was 
 going into my chair to obey his commands, I 
 was arrefted by a couple of bailiffs, forced into 
 a hackney coach, and carried to the Py'd Bull 
 in the Borough , I beg ten thoufand pardons 
 for making his grace wait, but his grace knows 
 my misfor [Exif Sir Luke. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Well, Sir, what dy'e think of the proofs ? I 
 Batter myfelf I have pretty well eftablimed my 
 cafe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why, huffy, you have hit upon points ; but 
 then they are but trifling flaws, they don't viti- 
 ate the title, that ftands unimpeach'd j and 
 But, madam, your mother. 
 
 Enter
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 23 
 
 Enter Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 What have you done with the Knight ? Why 
 you have not let him depart ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 It was not in my power to keep him. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 I don't wonder at that ; but what took him 
 away ?* 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 What will at any time take him away a 
 Duke at the door. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Are you certain of that ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why truly, chuck, his retreat was rather pre- 
 cipitate for a man that is juft going to be mar- 
 ry'd. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 The profpect of marriage does not always 
 prove the ftrongeft attachment. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Pardon me, lovee ; the law allows no higher 
 confideration than marriage. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Plhaw! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Infomuch, that if duke A was to intermarry 
 with chambermaid B, difference of condition 
 would prove no bar to the iettlement. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 24 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Ay , and this was held to be law by Chief-ba- 
 ron Bind'em, on the famous cafe of the Marquis 
 of Cully, and Fanny Flip-flap the French 
 dancer. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 The greater blockhead the Baron : but don't 
 pefter me with your odious law cafes. Did 
 not you tell me you was to go to Kingfton to 
 day to try the crown caufes ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I was begg'd to attend for fear his Lordfhip 
 (hould not be able to fit ; but if it proves in- 
 convenient to you 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 To me ! Oh, by no means in the world ; I 
 am too good a fubjeft to defire the leaft delay 
 in the law's execution : and when d'ye fet out ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Between one and two ; I fhall only juft give 
 a law lecture to Jack. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Lord ! I wonder Mr. Circuit you would breed 
 that boy up to the bar. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why not, chuck ? He has fine fteady parts, 
 and for his time moots a point- 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Sready ! ftupid you mean : nothing fure cou'd 
 add to his heavinefs but the being loaded with 
 law. Why don't you put him into the army ? 
 
 S E R-
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 25 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Nay, chuck, if you choofe it, I believe I 
 have intereft to get Jack a commiflion. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Why, Mr. Circuit, you know he is no fon of 
 mine ; perhaps a cockade may animate the lad 
 with fome fire. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 True, lovee; and a knowledge of the law 
 mayn't be amifs to reftrain his fire a little. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 I believe there is very little danger of his ex- 
 ceeding that way. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Chariot, fend hither your brother. 
 
 [Exit Chariot. 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 I'll not interrupt ycru 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Far from it, lovee ; I fliould be glad to have 
 you a witnefs of Jacky's improvement. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Of that I am no judge ; befides, I am full of 
 bufmefs to day There is to be a ballot at one 
 for the Ladies' Club lately eftablimed, and lady 
 Bab Bafto has propofed me for a member. 
 Pray, my dear, when will you let me have that 
 money to pay my Lord Loo ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 The three hundred you mean ? 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 And befides, there is my debt to Kitty Crib- 
 bidge ; I proteft I almoft blulh whenever I meet 
 them, 
 
 E SE R-
 
 $6 THE LA ME LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why really, lovee, 'tis a large fum of money. 
 ~-Now, were I worthy to throw in a little ad- 
 vice, we might make a pretty good hand of 
 this bufinefs. 
 
 Mr*. CIRCUIT. 
 I dpn't underftand you. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Bring an action againft them on the flatute, 
 in the name of my clerk , and fo not only refcue 
 the debt from their hands, bat recover likewife 
 copfidcrablc damages. 
 
 Mrs CIRCUIT, 
 A pretty conceit, Mr. Serjeant ! but does it 
 not occur to your wifdom, that as I have (by 
 the help of Captain Cog) been oftener a winner 
 than lofer, the tables may be turned upon us ? 
 
 SERJEANT, 
 
 No, no, chuck, that did not efcape me; I 
 have provided for than.- Do you know, by the 
 Jaw, both parties are equally culpable ; fo that, 
 lovee, we (hall be able to fleece your friends noc 
 only of what they have won of poor dearee, but 
 likewife for what they have loft. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Why, what a paltry, pettifogging puppy art 
 thou ! And could you fuppoie that I wtmld 
 fubmit to the fcandalous office ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Scandalous ! I don't underftand this ftrange 
 perverfion of words. The fcandal lies in break- 
 tng the laws, not in bringing the offenders to 
 juftue. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Mean-fpiriicd wretch ! What, do you fup- 
 
 pofe
 
 T H E L A M E L O V JE . 47 
 
 pofe that thofe laws could be levell'd againft 
 people of their high rank and condition ? Can 
 it be thought that any fet of men would fubmit 
 to lay legal reftraints on themselves ?* -Abfurd 
 and prepofterous ! 
 
 SERJEANT, 
 
 Why, by their public practice, my love, ont 
 would fufpect that they thought themfelves ex- 
 cepted by a particular claufe. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Oh ! to be fure ; not the leaft doubt can be 
 made. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 True, chuck But then your great friends 
 ftiould never complain of highwaymen flopping 
 their coaches, or thieves breaking into their 
 houfes. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Why, what has that to do with the bufinefs ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Oh ! the natural confequence, lovee j for 
 whilft the fuperiors are throwing away their 
 fortunes* and confequently their independence 
 above you can't think but their domeftics arc! 
 following their examples below. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Well, and what then ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Then 1 the fame diftrefs that throws the rhaf- 
 ter and miftrefs into the power of any who arc 
 willing to purchafe them, by a regular grada- 
 tion, feduces the fervants to actions, though mor 
 criminal) perhaps not more atrocious. 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Pfliaw ! ftuflfl I have no head to examine 
 E.a
 
 28 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 your dirty diftinftions Don't teize me with 
 your jargon. I have told you the fums I (hall 
 want, fo take care they are ready at your return- 
 ing frojn Klngfton. Nay, don't hefuate ; recol- 
 lect your own ftate of the cafe, and remember, 
 my honour is in pawn, and muft, fome way or 
 other, be redeem'd by the end of the week. [Exit. 
 
 SERJEANT fobs. 
 My honour is in pawn ! Good Lord ! how 
 a century will alter the meaning of words! 
 Formerly, chaftity was the honour of women, 
 and good faith and integrity the honour of men : 
 but now, a lady who ruins her family by punc- 
 tually paying her lofles at play, and a gentleman 
 who kills his beft friend in fome trifling frivo- 
 "lous quarrel, are your only tip-top people of 
 honour. Well, let them go on, it brings grift 
 to our mill : for whilft both the fexes flick firm 
 to their honour,. we mall never want bufmefs, 
 either at Doctor's Commons, or the Old Bailey. 
 
 [Quit. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 Enter SERJEANT CIRCUIT and JACK. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 JACK, let Will bring the chaife to the 
 door. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Mr. Fairplay, Sir, the attorney, begs to fpeak 
 a few words. 
 
 S-ER-
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 29 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 How often have I told you, that I will fee 
 none of thefe fort of folks but at chambers ; 
 you know how angry your mother is at their 
 rapping, and littering the houle. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 He fays, Sir, he will not detain you five mi- 
 nutes. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Well, bid him walk in. 
 
 Enter FAIRPLAY. 
 
 Well, Mr. Fairplay, what's your will ? 
 
 FAIRPLAY. 
 
 I juft call'd, Mr. Serjeant, to know your opi- 
 nion upon the cafe of young Woodford, and if 
 you like the propofal of being concern'd. 
 
 S E R J E A N. T. 
 
 If it turns out as you ftate it, and that the fa- 
 ther of the lad was really a minor, the Eflex 
 eftate may without doubt be recover'd ; and fo 
 may the lands in the North. 
 
 FAIRPLAY. 
 We have full proofs to that fact. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 May be fo; but really Mr. Fairplay, you 
 know the length of time that thefe kind of 
 fuits 
 
 FAIRPLAY. 
 True Sir, but then your experience will 
 
 fhorten I appreh 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 That's more than I know : and then not only 
 my fees lying dormant, but, perhaps, an expec- 
 tation of money advanc'd. 
 
 FAIR-
 
 3 THE LAME LOVER, 
 
 F A I R P L A Y, 
 
 The property, Sir, is of very great vahie, and, 
 upon the recovery, any acknowledgment fhall 
 be readily made. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 There again, any ! do you know that in law, 
 that word any has no meaning at all ? betides, 
 when people are in diftrefs, they are lavifh 
 enough of their offers ; but when their bufinefs 
 is done, then we have nothing but grumbling 
 and erudging. 
 
 F A I R P L A Y. 
 You have only to dictate your terms. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Does the lad live in town? 
 
 F A I R P L A Y. 
 
 He has been under my care fince the death 
 of his father-, I have given him as good an edu- 
 cation as my narrow fortune would let me ; he 
 is now ftudying the law in the Temple, in hopes 
 that mould he fail of other alfiftance, he may 
 be able one day to do bimfelf juftice. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 In the Temple ? 
 
 F A I R P L A Y. 
 
 Yes, Sir, in thofe little chambers juft over 
 vour head I fancy the young gentleman knows 
 him. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Who ? Mr. Woodford ! Lord as well as my- 
 felf, he is a fweet fober youth, and will one day 
 make a vaft figure, I am fure. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Indeed ! 
 
 JACK. 
 
 I am pofitive, Sir, if you were to hear him 
 4 fpeak
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 31 
 
 fpeak at the Robinhood in the Butcher-row, you 
 wocild fay fo yourfelf : why he is now reckon'd 
 the third; except the breeches-maker from Bar- 
 bican, and Sawny Sinclair the fnuffman, there 
 is not a mortal can touch him. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Peace, puppy ; well Mr. Fairplay, leave the 
 papers a little longer with me and pray who is 
 employ'd againft you ? 
 
 FAIRPLAY. 
 A city attorney, one Sheepfldn. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 A cunning fellow, I know him ; well, Sir, if 
 you will call at Pump-court in a week. 
 
 FAIRPLAY. 
 I mail attend you. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Jack, open the door for Mr. [Exeunt Fair- 
 play and Jack.] Something may be made of 
 this matter : I'll fee this Sheepfkin myfeif. So 
 much in future for carrying on the fuit, or fo 
 much in hand to make it mifcarry : a wife man 
 Ihould well weigh which party to take for. 
 
 JL*ttr Jack. 
 
 So, Jack, any body at chambers to day ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Fieri Facias from Fetter- lane, about the bill 
 to be filed by Kit Crape againft Will Vizard, 
 this term. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Praying for an equal partition of plunder? 
 
 JACK. 
 Yes, Sir. 
 
 S E R-
 
 32 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Strange world we live in, that even highway- 
 men can't be true to each other! [half afide to 
 bimfelf.'] but we mall make mailer Vizard re- 
 fund, we'll fhew him what long hands the law 
 has. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Facias fays, that in all the books he can't hi* 
 on a precedent. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Then I'll make one myfelf ; aul inveniam, out 
 faciam, has been always my motto. The charge 
 muit be made for partnermip-profit, by bar- 
 tering lead and gunpowder, againft money, 
 watches, and rings, on Epping-foreft, Houn- 
 flow-heath, and other parts of the kingdom. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 He fays, if the court mould get fcent of the 
 fcheme, the parties would. all ftand committed. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Cowardly rafcal ! but however, the caution 
 mayn't prove amifs. [Afide.~\ I'll not put my 
 own name to the bill. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 The declaration too is delivered in the caufc 
 ef Roger Rapp'em againft Sir Solomon Simple. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 What, the affair of the note ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Yes. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why he is clear that his client never gave 
 fuch a note. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Defendant never faw plaintiff fince the hour 
 he was born -, but, notwithftanding, they have 
 
 tbree
 
 THE LAM' LOVER, $$ 
 
 three witnefles to prove a confideration, and 
 figning the note. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 They have ? 
 
 JACK. 
 He is puzzled what plea to put in, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Three witnefles ready, you lay? 
 
 JACK. 
 Yes. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Tell him Simple muft acknowledge the note t 
 [ Jack ftarts] and bid him, againft the trial 
 comes on, to procure four perfons at leaft to 
 prove the payment, at the Crown and Anchor, 
 the loth of December. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 But then how comes the note to remain in 
 plaintiff's pofiefiion ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Well put, Jack; but we have afaho for thar v 
 plaintiff happen'd not to have the note in his 
 pocket, but promis'd to deliver it up, when 
 call'd thereunto by defendant. . 
 
 JACK. 
 That will do rarely. , 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Let the defence be a fecret, for I fee we have 
 able people to deal with. But come, child, not 
 to loie time, have you carefully conn'd thole 
 inftructions I gave you ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Yes, Sir. 
 
 F S E R-
 
 34 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 'Well, that we mall fee. How many points 
 are the great object of practice ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Two. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Which are they ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 ,The firft is to put a man into pofiefilon of 
 what is his right. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 The fecond ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Either to deprive a man of what is really his 
 right, or to keep him as long as pofiible out of 
 pofleflion. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Good boy ! To gain the laft end, what are the 
 beft means to be us'd ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Various and many are the legal modes of de- 
 lay. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 . Name them. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Injunctions, demurrers, mam-pleas, writs of 
 error, rejoinders, fur- rejoinders, rebutters, fur- 
 \ rebutters, replications, exceptions, eflbigns, and 
 imparlance. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 [70 himfilf.~\ Fine inftruments in the hands 
 of a man, who knows how to ufe them. But 
 now, Jack, we come to the point : if an able ad- 
 ' vocate has his choice in a caufe, (which if he is 
 in reputation he may readily have,) which fide 
 Ihould- he choofe, the right, or the wrong ?
 
 T H E L A M E L O V E R. 35 
 
 JACK. 
 
 A great lawyer's bufineTs, is always to make 
 choice of the wrong. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 And prythee why fo ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Becaufe a good caufe can fpeak for itfelf, 
 whilft a bad one demands an able counsellor to 
 give it a colour. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Very well. But in what refpec~bs will this an- 
 fwer to the lawyer himfelf ? 
 JACK. 
 
 In a two-fold way ; firftly, his fees will be 
 Jarge in proportion to the dirty work he is 
 to do. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Secondly? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 His reputation will rife, by obtaining the vic- 
 tory in a defperate caufe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Right, boy. Are you ready in the cafe of 
 the cow ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Pretty well, I believe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Give it then. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Firft of April, anno feventeen hundred and 
 blank, John a Nokes was indicted by blank, 
 before blank, in the county of blank, for fteal- 
 ing a cow, contra paceitt etcet. and againft the 
 ftatute in that cafe provided and made, to pre- 
 vent dealing of cattle. 
 
 F z S E R-
 
 3<5 T. H E LAME LOVE R. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Go on. 
 
 JACK, 
 Said Nokes was con vifted upon the faid ftatute,, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 What follow'd upon? 
 
 J A C K. 
 
 Motion in arrefl of judgment, made by coun- 
 felior Puzzle. Firft, Becaufe the field from 
 whence the cow was convey'd is laid in the in- 
 dictment as rounJ, but turn'd out upon proof 
 to be Jquare. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 That's well : a valid objection. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Secondly, Becaufe in faid indictment the co- 
 lour of the cow is called red, there being no 
 fuch things in reruin natura as red cows, no 
 more than black lions, Ipread eagles, flying 
 griffins, or blue boars. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Well put. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Thirdly, faid Nokes has not offended againft 
 form of the ftatute ; becaufe ftealing of cattle 
 is there provided againft : whereas we are only 
 convicted of ftealing a ccw. Now, though cat- 
 tle may be cows, yet it does by no means follow 
 that cows muft be cattle. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Bravo, bravo ! bufs me, you rogue ; you are 
 your father's own fon ! go on, and profper. I 
 am forry, dear Jack, 1 muft leave thee. If 
 providence but fends thee life and health, Ipro- 
 j>hefy, thou wilt wreft as much land from the 
 
 - owners t
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 37 
 
 owners, and fave as many thieves from the gal- 
 lows, as any practitioner fmce the days of king 
 Alfred. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 I'll do my endeavour. [Exit Serjeant. 
 
 So ! father is fet off. Now if I can but lay 
 eyes on our Chariot, juft to deliver this letter, 
 before madam comes home. There me is. 
 Hift, fitter Chariot ! 
 
 Enter CHARLOT. 
 
 CHARLOT. 
 What have you got there, Jack ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Something for you, filler. 
 
 CHARLOT. 
 For me ! Prythee what is it ? 
 
 JACK. 
 A thing. 
 
 CHARLOT. 
 What thing ? 
 
 JACK. 
 A thing that will pleafe you I'm fure. 
 
 CHARLOT. 
 
 Come, don't be a boy, let me have it. [Jack 
 gives the letter.} How's this! a letter! from 
 whom ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Can't you guefs ? 
 
 CHARLOT. 
 Not I ; I don't know the hand; 
 
 JACK. 
 May be not ; but you know the inditer. 
 
 CHARLOT, 
 Then tell me his name. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 421156
 
 3 8 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 JACK. 
 Break open the feal, and you'll find it. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 [Opening the letter] " Charles Woodford !" 
 I am fure I know nothing of him. 
 
 JACK. 
 Ay, but lifter you do. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 How ! when, and where ? 
 JACK. 
 
 Don't you remember about three weeks ago, 
 when you drank tea at our chambers, there 
 was a young gentleman in a blue fattin waiit- 
 coat, who wore his own head of hair ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Well ? 
 
 JACK. 
 That letter's from he. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 What can be his bufmefs with me ? 
 
 JACK. 
 Read that, and you'll know. 
 
 C H A R L O T reads. 
 *' Want words to apologize hum, hum 
 " very firfl moment I faw you hum, hum- 
 " fmother'd long in my breaft hum, hum 
 " happieft, or elfe the moft wretched of men." 
 So, Sir, you have undertaken a pretty com- 
 mifllon ! and what do you think my father 
 will 
 
 JACK. 
 Why, I hope you won't go for to tell him. 
 
 C H A R I, O T. 
 Indeed, Sir, but I (hall. 
 
 JACK.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 39 
 
 JACK. 
 
 No, fitter, I'm fure you won't be fo crofs. 
 Befides, what could I do ? The poor young 
 lad begg'd fo hard j and there for this fort- 
 night he has gone about fighing, and mufing, 
 and moping : I am fatisfied it would melt you 
 to fee him. Do, fifter, let me bring him this 
 evening, now father is out. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Upon my word ! The young man has made 
 no bad choice of an agent ; you are for pufh- 
 ing matters at once. But harkee, Sir, who is 
 this fpark you are fo anxious about ? And how 
 long have you known him ? 
 JACK. 
 
 Oh ! a prodigious long while : above a month 
 I am certain. Don't you think him mighty 
 genteel ? I affure you he is vaftly lik'd by the 
 ladies. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 He is. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Yes, indeed. Mrs. Congo, at the Grecian 
 coffee-houfe, fays, he's the Ibbereft youth that 
 comes to the houfe ; and all Mrs. Mittens's 
 'prentices throw down their work, and run to 
 the window every time he goes by. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Upon my word I 
 
 JACK. 
 
 And moreover, befides that, he has feveral 
 great eflates in the country ; but only for the 
 prefent, he is kept out of 'em all by the owners. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 Ah, Jack ! that's the word part of the ftory, 
 
 JACK.
 
 40 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Pfhaw ! that's nothing at all. His guardian, 
 IMr. Fairplay, has been with father to-day, and 
 fays, he is certain that he can fet all to rights in 
 a trice. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 Well, Jack, when that point is determin'd, 
 it will be time enough to 
 JACK. 
 
 Then! Lord of mercy! why, filter Chariot, 
 it is my private opinion that if you don't give 
 him feme crumbs of comfort, he won't live 
 till Midfummer term. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 I warrant you. Either Cupid's darts were al- 
 ways but poetical engines, or they have been 
 lately depriv'd of their points. Love holds no 
 place in the modern bills of mortality. How- 
 ever, Jack, you may tell your friend, that I 
 have obferv'd his frequent walks in our ftreet. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Walks! Why one fhould think he was ap- 
 pointed to relieve the old watchman ; for no 
 iboner one is off* but the other comes on. 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 And that from his eyes being conftantly fixed 
 on my window (for the information of which, 
 
 I prefume he is indebted to you.) 
 
 TACK. 
 He ! he ! he ! 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 I had a pretty fhrewd guefs at his bufinefs ; 
 
 but tell him that unlefs my fa Hum ! our 
 
 tyrant is returned. Don't leave the houfe till I 
 fee you. 
 
 4 Enter
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 41 
 
 Enter Mrs. CIRCUIT and BETTY. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 So, Sir, what makes you loitering from cham- 
 bers ? I thought 1 told yon, you fhould never 
 be here but at meals ? [Exit Jack.] One fpy 
 is enough in a family. Mifs, you may go to 
 your room ; and d'ye hear-^I fhall have com- 
 pany, fo yoif'lneed not come down. [Exit 
 Chariot.] Betty, no meflage or letter ? 
 BET T Y. 
 
 None, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 That is amazing ! You know I expect Co- 
 lonel Secret and Mrs. Simper every inllant. 
 
 BETTY. 
 Yes, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Put the fruit and the wine on the table in the 
 next room. 
 
 BETTY. 
 Very well, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 And, Betty, order the fellow to let nobody 
 in but Sir Luke. 
 
 BETTY. 
 Madam, I mall take care. [*//. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT fit* Jaw. 
 
 The ballot muft be over by this time, Sure 
 
 there is nothing Ib dreadful as a ftate of fuf- 
 
 pence : but mould they black ball me ! No, 
 
 there's no danger of that ; mifs Mattadore has 
 
 infur'd me fuccefs. Well, this is certainly one 
 
 of the mod ufeful inftitutions -, it pofitively 
 
 fupplies the only point of time one dees not 
 
 G know
 
 4 2 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 know how to employ. From twelve, the hour 
 of one's fifing, to dinner, is a mod horrible 
 chafm ; for though teizing the mercers and mil- 
 liners by tumbling their wares, is now and then 
 an entertaining amulement, yet upon repetition 
 it palls. But every morning to be lure of a 
 party, and then again at night after a rout, to 
 have a place to retire to - t to be quite freed from 
 all pain of providing , not to be pefter'd at ta- 
 ble with the odious company of clients, and 
 country coufms ; for I am determin'd to dine, 
 and fup at the club, every day. I can tell *em, 
 they'll have but very few forfeits from me. 
 
 Enter BETTY, in hafle^ with a Letter. 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 By a chairman, Madam, from the Thatch'd 
 Houfe. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Give it me, Betty, this inftant; ay this is 
 Mattadore's hand, [opens and reads the letter.] 
 " My dear Circuit it is with the Utmoft con- 
 cern, and confufion, I find myfelf oblig'd to ac- 
 quaint 1 you, that notwuhftanding all the pains 
 1 have taken, the club have thought fit to re- 
 ject"- Oh! [Jhefaits.\ 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 Blefs my foul ! my lady is gone ! John ! 
 Will ! Kitty ! run hither this inftant. 
 
 Enter two MAIDS and a Man SERVANT. 
 
 ALL. 
 What, what's the matter ? 
 
 B E T T -Y. 
 
 Quick ! quick ! fome hartfliorn and water 
 \_pats her band.] Madam ! madam
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 43 
 
 SERVANT. 
 Here ! here ! here ! {bringing water.] 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 John, go for the potter --carrier this infant 
 I believes to my foul fhe is dead Kitty, fetch 
 fome feathers to burn under her nofe ; there, 
 ftand further off, and give her fome air 
 
 Enter Sir LUKE. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Hey day! what the deuce is the matter? 
 what's the meaning of all this, Mr$. Betty ? 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 Oh ! Sir, is it you my poor lady! [cries] clap 
 the bottle hard to her nofe. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 But how came it about ? 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 Some of the continents of that curs'd letter, 
 fhe has there in her hand. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Here, here, take fome of my eaudeluce. [of- 
 fering a bottle.] 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 There ! fhe recovers a little fome water I 
 believe it is nothing but a fatirical fit, I have 
 had them myfelf now (he opens her eyes fo, 
 fo bend her forward a little. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 My fweet Mrs. Circuit. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Who is that ? 
 
 BETTY. 
 Nobody at all madam, but only Sir Luke. 
 
 G 2 Mr;.
 
 44 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 OM Sir Luke, fuch a ftroke, fo fatal, fo fuel- 
 den, ix is not in nature I fhould ever furvive it. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Marry heaven forbid! but what caufe what 
 could 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Leave the room. [To the fervants, who go 
 ffl/.j Only, look over that letter. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Hum, hum, [reads] " fit to reject you 
 this 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 There ! there ! there ! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 I own this is the utmoft malice of fortune- 
 but let me finim the letter. " This calamity, 
 " dear Circuit, is of fuch a nature as baffles all 
 cc advice, or interpofition of friends, I ihall 
 t therefore leave you to time, and your own 
 " good under(tandin." [pretty andfenjikle.'] 
 " yours," &c. But let us fee, what lays the 
 poftfcript \reads.~\ 4t Perhaps it may give you 
 " fome comfort to know that you had fixteen 
 " almonds, and but two raifins againft you. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 But two! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 No more. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 This muft be Kitty Cribbage's doing, fhe has 
 been tattling about the paltry trifle I owe her. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Not unlikely : but come, bear up, my dear 
 madam, and confider that two 
 
 I Mrs.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 45 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Is as bad as two thoufand. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Granted ; but perhaps it mayn't be too late 
 to repair. Gadfo ! 1 have thought of a fchemc 
 I'll be elected myfelf, and then I warrant we 
 manage 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 You, Sir Luke ? that never can be. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 No, Madam, and why not? why you don't 
 fuppofe that they wou'd venture to 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 It would not only be againft the fpirit, but 
 the very letter of their conftitution to chufe you 
 a member. 
 
 'Sir LUKE. 
 Ay, Madam, how fo ? 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Their flatutes are felected from all the codes 
 that ever exifted from the days of Lycurgus to 
 the prefent Czarina. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Well. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 The law that relates to your cafe they have 
 borrow'd from the Roman religion. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 As how ? 
 
 Mrs. C I R C U IT. 
 
 As no man can be admitted a monk, who has 
 the lead corporal fpot, or defect ; fo, no candi- 
 date can be receiv'd as a member who is de- 
 priv'd of the ufe of any one of his limbs. 
 
 Sir
 
 46 THE LAME LOVER; 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Nay, then indeed I am clearly cut out 5 that 
 incapacity can never be got over. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Indeed, the Serjeant fays, if the club could 
 be induc'd to refohe in your favour, then the 
 original law would fignify nothing. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Well, well, we'll fee what can be done. [A 
 loud knocking.] But hufh! the company's come; 
 collect yourfdf, fweet Mrs. Circuit; don't give 
 your enemies the malicious pleafure of fecino" 
 how this difappointment affects you. 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Never fear; I know a little too much of the 
 world not to turn this defeat to my credit. 
 
 Enter Colonel SECRET and Mrs. SIMPER. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 
 Your fervant, Sir Luke; my dear Circuit, I 
 am frighten'd to death your people tell me, 
 you are but juft recover'd from a 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Oh ! nothing at all ! a faintnefs, a kind of 
 fwimming but thofe people are ever fwelling 
 that mole hills to mountains. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 
 I proteft I was afraid that you had luffer'd 
 your late difappointment to lay hold of your 
 fpirits. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 * What difappointment, my dear ? 
 
 COLONEL. 
 
 Mrs. Simper hints at the little miftake made 
 this morning at the Thatch'd Houfe.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 47 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 That! ridiculous! I could have told you that 
 a fortnight ago, child all my own doing. 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 
 Howl 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 Entirely. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Oh! I always detefted the thoughts of the 
 thing; they would put me up, let me fay what 
 I would, fo I was reduc'd to the neceflky of 
 prevailing upon two of my friends to black ball 
 me. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 That, indeed, alters the cafe. 
 COLONEL. 
 
 I am vaflly happy to hear it : your old ac- 
 quaintance were afraid they mould lofe you. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 It is a fign they know but little of me but 
 come, my good folks, I have prepared a fmall 
 collation in the next room, will you [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter JACK and WOOD FORD. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 I'll watch fitter, to fee that nobody comes ; 
 now Woodford make good ufe of your time. 
 [Exit Woodford.j There, I have left 'em to- 
 gether ; if I had ftaid, I don't believe they 
 would have open'd their mouths for a month : I 
 never faw fuch an alteration in a lad fince the 
 day I was born. Why, if I had not known him 
 before, I mould not have thought he had a 
 word to throw to a dog ; but I remember the 
 old proverb: 
 
 True
 
 4 S THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 True lovers are fhy, 
 When people are by. 
 
 I'll take a peep to fee how they go on : there 
 they are, juft in the fame poftnre I left them ; 
 fhe folding her fingers, and he twirling his 
 hat; why they don't even look at each other: 
 was there ever fuch a couple of flay, ftay, 
 now he opens his mouth pmaw ! lord ! there 
 he fhuts it again hum ! I hear fomebody com- 
 ing no nothing at all : mother is fafe I am 
 fure, there is HO danger from her now let us 
 take t'other [peeps at the doer.] hum ! gadfo, 
 matters are mightily mended there! there! very 
 well there he lays down the law now he claps 
 his hand on his heart vaftly pretty, I vow 
 there he fwops with both his knees on the ground 
 charming! and fqueezes his hat with both 
 hands, like one of the aftors delightful ! (he 
 wants him to rife, and he won't prodigious 
 moving indeed ! 
 
 Enter BETTY. 
 
 BETTY. 
 So Sir, what are you doing there ? 
 
 JACK. 
 There! where? 
 
 BETTY. 
 With your eyes glew'd clofe to the keyhole. 
 
 JACK. 
 I wanted to fpeak a word to my filler. 
 
 BETTY. 
 Then why don't you open her door ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 I did not know bat flie might be faying her 
 prayers. 
 
 BETTY.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 49 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 Prayers ! a likely ftory ! Who fays their pray- 
 er:; at this time of the day ? No, no, that 
 won't pafs upon me. Let me look very pret- 
 ty ! So, To, I fee there's fornebody elie at his 
 prayers too fane doings! As foon as the com- 
 pany goes, I (hall take care to inform Madam 
 your mother. 
 
 JACK, 
 
 Nay, but Mrs. Betty you won't be fo 
 
 B E T T Y. ' 
 
 Indeed, Mr. John, but I (hall I'll fwallow 
 none of your fecrets, believe me. 
 
 J A C'K, . 
 
 What, perhaps your ftomach is overloaded 
 already. 
 
 B E T T Y, 
 
 No matter for that, I (hall be even with Mils 
 for telling Matter about and concerning my 
 drums. 
 
 JACK. 
 Why, Mrs. Betty, furely filler could not 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 When (lie very well knows that I have not 
 fent cards but twice the whole feafo-n. 
 
 JACK. 
 Lord ! what figni 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 What would (he fay, if (lie vifited the great 
 families I do ? For tho* I am as I may fay but 
 a commoner, no private gentlewoman's gentle- 
 woman, has a more prettier fet of acquaintance. 
 
 JACK. 
 Well but 
 
 H BET-
 
 5 o THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 My routs indeed ! There is Mrs. Allfpice, 
 who lives with lady Cicily Sequence, has fix 
 tables every Sunday, befides looers, and brag- 
 gers ; and moreover propofes giving a mafque- 
 rade, the beginning of June, and 1 intends be- 
 ing there. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Well, but to talk calmly. 
 BETTY. 
 
 And as Mifs is fo fond of fetching and carry- 
 ing, you may tell her we are to have a private 
 play among ourfelves, as the quality have : 
 the Dijtru/ful Mother, 'tis call'd Pylades, by 
 Mr. Thomas, Lord Cataflrophe's butler Her- 
 mione, Mrs. Allfpice ; and I fhall do Andro- 
 mache myfelf. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 A play ! lord, Mrs. Betty, will you give me 
 a ticket ? 
 
 BETTY. 
 
 All's one for that and fo you may tell Mifs 
 that \bellrings\ coming, Madam, this minute*- 
 and that, Mr. John, is the long and the fhort on't. 
 \Bett rings again.~\ Lord, I am coming [Exit. 
 
 Enter WOODFORD to JACK. 
 W O O D F O R D. 
 
 What's the matter ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Here, Betty, my mother's fac totum, has juft 
 difcover'd your haunts; and is gone to lay an 
 information againft you fo depend upon it, a 
 fearch warrant will iffue directly. 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 Stay but a moment, till I take leave of your 
 filler.
 
 T RECLAME LOVER. 5I 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Zooks ! I tell you the conftables will be here 
 in a trice, fo you have not a moment to lofe. 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 How unlucky this is! 
 
 JACK. 
 
 But- 1 hope you have obtain'd a verdict how- 
 ever. 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 No. 
 
 JACK. 
 No! 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 It would not have been decent, to have prefe'd 
 the judge too foon for a fentence. 
 JACK. 
 
 Soon ! You are a ninny, I tell you fo : 
 here you will fuffer judgment to go by default. 
 You are a pretty practitioner indeed ! 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 This, you may know, my dear Jack, is an 
 equity cafe ; I have but juft fil'd my bill ; one 
 mult give the parties time to put in an anfwer. 
 JACK. 
 
 Time ! How you may come off in court I 
 can't tell, but you will turn out but a poor 
 chamber counfel I fear. Well, come along, 
 perhaps I may be able to procure another hear- 
 ing before it is but lord o'mercy ! there is fa- 
 ther crofling the hall fhould he fee us all's over 
 we have nothing for't but taking flicker with 
 filter, [Exeunt. 
 
 ACT
 
 52 THE LAME LOVER, 
 ACT HI. 
 
 Sir LUKE LIMP, Mrs. CIRCUIT, Colonel JSsr 
 CET, ## M'V. SIMPER, dif cover* d at a talk^ 
 with a collation before tkcw. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 OH ! by the bye, Sir-Liike take fame of 
 thefe fweetmeats, my dear [to Mrs.- Sim- 
 per] did not you promrie to introduce to me 
 that little agreeable piece of imperfection thai be- 
 longs to the opera -? Colonel, won't you tade 
 the champaign ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Who, Signior Pitino .''--Let me afTifl Mrs. 
 Simper. "Why, Madam, I made arr attempt; 
 but at prefent (han't I fend you a bifcuit ? 
 he is in'the pofTeffion of a certain lady, who 
 never fuffers him out of her fight for a moment. 
 
 Mrs. S I M P E R.' 
 
 Oh ! the curmudgeon ! I am vaftly fond of 
 thefe cuftards. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Yes, they have a delicate flavour but he 
 promis'd, if pofiible, to efcape for an hour 
 won't you ? \to Mrs. Circuit.] 
 
 Mrs C I k C U I T. 
 
 No, it gives me the heart- burn. -Then let 
 us leave him a cover. 
 
 COLONEL. 
 By all means in the world. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 But there is, likewifc, another party, for 
 whom a place ought to be kept. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 Another ! Who can that be I wonder ?
 
 T ,H E LAME LOVER. 53 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 A fmall appendix of mine. 
 Sir ; L U , E, 
 How, jMadam : ! 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 YOU need np,t be jealous, Sir Luke^-tafte 
 that tart Mrs. Simper it is only my hufband 
 the Serjeant. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Betty makes 
 them herfelf. 
 
 Mrs. S I M P E _R. 
 
 Oh ! you abominable creature ! How could 
 iuch a thought come into your head ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Ma'am [OfferingfweetmeatstoMrs. Simper.] 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 
 Not a bit more, I thank you. I fwear and 
 vow I mould fwoon at the fight. 
 
 ' Mrs. CIRC if I T. 
 And I mould receive him with the polite in- 
 difference of an abfolute flranger. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Well faid, my good Lady Intrepid ! But, 
 notwithflanding, I would venture a trifle that 
 his appearance would give you fuch an electri- 
 cal fhock 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 You are vaftly deceiv'd. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Dare you come to the proof ? Will you give 
 me leave to introduce Mr. Serjeant ? He is 
 not far off. 
 
 Mrs CIRCUIT. 
 What, my hufband ? 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Even he ! I faw him as I enter'd the hall. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 54 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Impoffible ! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 Nay, then I muft fetch him. [Exit Sir Luke. 
 
 COLONEL. 
 I can't conceive what the knight wou'd be at. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 Why he is mad. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Or turn'd fool. 
 
 Enter Sir LUKE, with the SERJEANT'S perukx 
 on a block. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Now, Madam, have I reafon ? Is this your 
 hufband or not ? 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 It is he ; not the leaft doubt can be made. 
 
 COLONEL. 
 Yes, yes, it is the Serjeant himfelf. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 I own it ; I acknowledge the lord of my 
 wifhes. [Ki/es the block^ 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 All his features are there ! 
 
 C O L 9 N E L. 
 The grave caft of his countenance ! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 The vacant flare of his eye ! 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 The livid hue of his lips ! 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 The rubies with which his cheeks are enrich'd ! 
 
 COLONEL. 
 
 The filent folemnity when he fits on the 
 lench \
 
 THELAMELOVER. 55 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 We muft have him at table; but pray good 
 folks let my huiband appear like himfelf. I'll 
 run for the gown. Exit. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 By all means in the world. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Difpatch, I befeech you. 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT returns with a gown and band. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Sir Luke, lend your afiiftance. 
 COLONEL, 
 
 There, place him at the head of th> table. 
 [Tbeyfx the head at the back of a chair^ and 
 place it at table ; then all fit. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 Madam, you'll take care of your hufband. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 I don't want to be put in mind of my duty. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 Oh, Madam ! I know that very well. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Come, Hob or Nob, Mailer Circuit let us 
 try if we can't fuddle the Serjeant. 
 
 COLONEL. 
 O ! fye ! have a proper refpect for the coif. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 
 Don't be too facetious, Sir Luke : it is not 
 quite fo fafe to fport with the heads of the law ; 
 you don't know how foon you may have a little 
 bufmefs together. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 But come, the Serjeant is fulky. I have 
 
 thought of a way to divert him : - You know 
 
 6 he
 
 5 6 TH LAME LOVER. 
 
 he is never fo happy as when he is hearing 
 caufe ; fUppofe' we' were to plead one before 
 him ; Mrs. (Circuit 'and I to be counfel, the co- 
 lonel the clerk, and Mrs.- Simper the cryer. 
 Mrs! d I R C U I T. 
 
 The fineft thought in the world ! And flay, 
 to condud the trial with proper folemnity, let's 
 rummage his wardrobe , we fhall there be able 
 to equip ourfelve's "with fuitable dreffes. 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Alons, alons ! 
 
 Mrs. S I M P E R; 
 
 There is no time to' be loft. [All rifs. 
 
 Mrs. C I R C U I T. 
 
 [Stopping JJj'ort 'as 'they are going out','} But 
 won't my hufbahd be angry, if we leave him 
 alone ? Bye, dearee we mail foon' return to 
 thee again. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Serj. CIRCUIT, not perceiving the collation. 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 So, my lord not being able to fit, there was 
 no occafion for me. I can't put that girl's non- 
 fenfe out of my head My wife is youg to be 
 fure, and loves pleafure I own ; but as to the 
 main article, I have not the leaft ground to fuf- 
 pedl her in that No, no ! And then Sir 
 Luke ! my prcfien ami, the deareft friend I have 
 in the Heyday ! [feeing the collation^ What 
 the deuce have we' here ? A collation ! So, 
 fo I fee madam knows how to divert herfelf 
 during my abfence. What's this ? [feeing the 
 block] Oh, ho ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Well, that's 
 pretty enough I proteft. Poor girl, I fee me 
 could not be happy without having fomething 
 at table that refembled me. How pleas'd me 
 
 will
 
 THE LAME LOVER, 57 
 
 will be to find me here in propria perfona. By 
 your leave, Mrs. Circuit [fits down and eats] 
 Delicate eating, in troth and the wine [drinks'] 
 Champaign as I live muft have t'other glafs 
 They little think how that gentleman there 
 regales himfelf in their abfence Ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 -quite convenient, I vow the heat of the wea- 
 ther has made me Come, brother Coif, here's 
 your health [drinks] 1 muft pledge myfelf 1 
 believe [drinks again} devilifh flrong plhut! 
 Somebody's coming {gets up and goes towards 
 the wings] What do I lee ? Four lawyers ! 
 What the devil can be the meaning of this ? I 
 mould be glad to get at the bottom of Hey ! 
 By your leave, brother Serjeant I mud crave 
 the ufe of your robe [fits down, and gets under 
 the gown] Between ourfelves, this is not the 
 firft time this gown has cover'd a fraud. 
 Enter Sir LUKE, Colonel, Mrs. CIRCUIT, and 
 Mrs. SIMPER, dreffed as counfel/ors. 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Come, come, gentlemen, difpatch, the court 
 has been waiting fome time. Brother Circuit, 
 you have look'd over your brief ? 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 What, do you fuppofe, Sir, that like fome of 
 our brethren I defer that till I come into court ? 
 No, no. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 This caufe contains the whole marrow and 
 pith of all modern practice. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 One mould think, Sir Luke, you had been 
 bred to the bar. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Child, I was fome years in the Temple ; but 
 I the
 
 58 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 the death of my brother robb'd the robe of my 
 labours. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 What a lofs to the public ! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 You are fmart, Mrs. Simper. I can tell you, 
 Serjeant Snuffle, whofe manner I ftudy'd, pro- 
 nounc'd me a promifmg youth. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 I don't doubt it. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 But let us to bnfinefs. And firft, for the 
 ftate of the cafe : The parties you know are 
 Hoblbn and Nobfon j the object of litigation is 
 a fmall parcel of land, which is to decide the 
 fate of a borough. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 True ; call'd Turnbury Mead. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Very well. Then to bring matters to a fhort 
 iflue, it was agreed, that Nobfon mould on the 
 premifes cut down a tree, and Hobfon bring 
 his action of damage. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 True, true. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 The jury being fworn, and the counfellors 
 feed, the court may proceed. Take your feats 
 But hold I hope no gentleman has been 
 touch'd on both fides. 
 
 ALL. 
 Oh! fye! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Let fiience be call'd. 
 
 Mrs. SIMPER. 
 Science in the court ! 
 
 Sir
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 59 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 But flop. To be regular, and provide for 
 frefh caufes, we mud take no notice of the bo- 
 rough and lands, the real objects in view, but 
 (tick faft to the tree, which is of no import- 
 ance at all. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 True, true. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Brother Circuit, you may proceed. 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Gentlemen of the Jury. 1 am in this caufe 
 counfel for Hobfon, the plaintiff. The action 
 is brought againft Nebuchadonezer Nobfon, 
 That he the faid Nobibn did cut down a tree, 
 vllue two-pence, and to his own ufe faid tree 
 did convert. Nobfon juftifies, and claims tree 
 as his tree. We will, gentlemen, firft ftate the 
 probable evidence, and then come to the pofi- 
 tive : and firft as to the probable. When was 
 this tree here belonging to Hobfon, and claim'd 
 by Nobfon, cut down ? Was it cut down pub- 
 licly in the day, in the face of the fun, men, 
 women, and children, all the world looking 
 on ? No ; it was cut down privately, in the 
 night, in a dark night, nobody did fee, no- 
 body could fee. Hum And then with refpect 
 and regard to this tree, I am inftructed to fay, 
 gentlemen, it was a beautiful, an ornamental 
 tree to the fpot where it grew. Now can it be 
 thought that any man would come for to go in 
 the middle of the night, nobody feeing, no- 
 body did fee, nobody could fee, and cut down 
 a tree, which tree was an ornamental tree, if 
 tree had been his tree ? Certainly no. And 
 again, gentlemen, we moreover infift, that this 
 I 2 tree
 
 60 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 tree was not only ornamental to the {pot where 
 it grew, but it was a ufeful tree to the owner ; 
 it was a plumb- tree, and not only a plum- 
 tree, but I am authorized to fay the beft of 
 plum-trees, it was a damfm plum. Now 
 can it be thought, that any man wou'd come for 
 to go, in the middle of the night, nobody fee- 
 ing, nobody did fee, nobody could fee, and cut 
 down a tree j which tree was not only an orna- 
 mental. tree, but a ufeful tree-, and not only a 
 ufeful tree, but a plum-tree , and not only a 
 plum-tree, but the beft of plum-trees, a dam- 
 fin plum ? Mod aflu redly no. If fo be then, 
 that this be fo, and fo it moft certainly is, I ap- 
 prehend no doubt will remain with the court, 
 but my client a verdict will have, with full cofts 
 of fuits, in fuch a manner and fo forth, as may 
 neverthelefs appear notwithitanding. 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Jrlave you done, Mr. Serjeant ? 
 Mrs. C I R C U I T. 
 
 You may proceed. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Gentlemen of the jury I am in this caufe 
 counfcl for Hob Zouns ! I think the head 
 moves. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Hey! 
 
 COLONEL. 
 
 No, no, Mrs. Simper jogg'd the chair with 
 her foot, that was all. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 For Hercules Hobfon (1 cou'd have fworn 
 it had ftir'd) I fha'nt gentlemen upon this oc- 
 jjafion, attempt to move your paffions, by flow- 
 ing periods, and rhetorical flowers, as Mr. Ser- 
 jeant
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 61 
 
 jeant has done ; no, gentlemen, if I get at your 
 hearts, I will make my way thro' your heads, 
 however thick they may be in order to which, 
 I will piirfue the learned gentleman, thro* what 
 he calls his probable proofs : and firft, as to 
 this tree's being cut down in the night ; in part 
 we will grant him that point, but, under favour, 
 not a dark night, Mr. Serjeant ; no, quite the 
 reverfe, we can prove that the moon fhone 
 bright, with uncommon luftre that night So 
 that if fo be as how people did not fee that was 
 none [Serjeant freezes.] nay, Mrs. Circuit, if 
 you break the thread of my 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Me break!- I faid nothing I'm fure. 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 That's true, but you fneez'd. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Not I. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 I am fure fomebody did j it could not.be the 
 head confider the leaft interruption puts one 
 out of one's None of our faults, they might 
 have look'd on and feen if they would. And 
 then as to this beautiful tree, with which Mr. 
 Serjeant has ornamented his fpot No, gentle- 
 men, no fuch matter at all ; I am inftru&ed to 
 fay quite the reverfe; a ftunted tree, a blighted, 
 blaited tree ; a tree not only limblefs, and leaf- 
 lefs, but very near lifelefs -, that was the true 
 ftate of the tree : and then as to its ufe, we 
 own it was a plum-tree indeed, but not of the 
 kind Mr. Serjeant fets forth, a damfm plum ; 
 our proofs fay loudly a bull plum ; but if fo. 
 be and it had been a damfm plum, will any 
 man,go for to fay, that a damfm plum is the 
 2 beft
 
 62 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 beft kind of plum ; not a whir, I take upon 
 me to fay'it is not a noun fubftannve plum 
 with plenty of fugar it does pretty well indeed 
 in a tart, but to eat it by itfelf, will Mr. Serjeant 
 so to compare it with the queen mother, the 
 padrigons 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 * armg fuddenly from under the gown.] 
 green gages, or the orlines. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 As I live 'tis my huiband ! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Nay, Sir Luke don't you run away too give 
 me a bufs iince I was born, 1 never heard a 
 finer reply ; I am forry I did not hear your ar- 
 gument out but I cou'd not refill. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 This I own was a littlefurprife had you been 
 long here Mr. Serjeant ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 But the inftant you enter'd. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 So, then all is fafe. [A/ide, ,] 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But come, won't you refrefli you, Sir Luke 
 you have had hard duty to day. 
 Sir L U K E. 
 I drank very freely at table. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Nay, for the matter of that, I haVt been idle ; 
 [loth dr.nk.'] But come, throw off your gown, 
 and let us finifh the bottle : I ha'n't had fuch a 
 mind to be merry I can't tell the day when. 
 
 Sir LUKE, 
 
 Nay then, Mr. Serjeant, have at you come, 
 here's long life and health to the law. [Drinks.] 
 
 vS E R-
 
 THE LAME LOVER, 63 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I'll pledge that toait in a bumper. [Drinks.'] 
 I'll take Chariot's hint, and fee if I can't draw 
 the truth out of the Knight by a bottle. [Afide.] 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 I'll try if I can't fuddle the fool, and get rid of 
 him that way. [dfide.] 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I could not have thought it : why where the 
 deuce did you pick up all this ? But by the bye, 
 pray who was the cryer ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Did not you know her ? Mrs. Simper, your 
 neighbour. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 A peftilent jade! fhe's a good one I warrant. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 She is thought very pretty ; what fay you to 
 a glafs in her favor ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 By all means in the world ! [tbey drink] and 
 t-hat fpark the clerk ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Colonel Secret, a friend to the latly you 
 toailed. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 A friend ! oh, ay I underftand you come, 
 let us join 'em together. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Alons. [drink.] Egad, I fhall be caught in 
 my own trap, I begin to feel myfelf flufter'd 
 already. NP&J 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Delicate white wine, indeed ! I like it better 
 every glafs. [Sings.] 
 
 Drink and drive care away, 
 Drink and be merry. 
 
 Sir
 
 64 THE LAME LOVER, 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 True, my dear Serjeant this is the fearcher 
 of fecrets the only key to the heart. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Right boy, in veritas vino. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 No deceit in a bumper. [Sings.] Drink and 
 be merry. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Merry ! dammee, what a fweet fellow you are; 
 what would I give, to be half fo jolly and r gay. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 [Appearing very drunk.] Would you ? and 
 yet do you know, Serjeant, that at this very junc- 
 ture of time, there is a thing has popp'd into 
 my head, thatdiftrefies me very much. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Then drive it out with a bumper ["Drink."] 
 Well, how is it now. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 Now ! the matter is not mended at all. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 What the deuce is the bufmefs that fo flicks 
 in your ftomach. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 You know, my dear Serjeant, I am your 
 friend, your real, your affectionate friend. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 I believe, it Sir Luke. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 And yet, for thefe fix months, I have con- 
 ceal'd a fecret, that touches you near, very 
 near 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Me near ! That was wrong, very wrong ; 
 friends Ihould have all things in common.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 6 3 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 That's what I faid to myfelf ; Sir Luke, fays 1, 
 open your heart to your friend ; but to tell you 
 the truth, what fealed up my lips, was the fear 
 that this fecret fhould make you fulky and fad, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Me fulky and fad ! ha ! ha ! how little you 
 know of me. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Swear then that you won't be uneafy. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Well, I do. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 [Rifing.} Soft! let us fee that all's fafe$ * 
 well, Mr. Serjeant, do you know that you are 
 a fine, honeft fellow ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Is that fuch a fecret ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Be quiet ; a damn'd honeft fellow but as to 
 your wife 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Well ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 She is an infamous ftrum 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 How ! it is a falfhood Sir Luke, my wife i3 
 as virtuous a worn 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Oh! if you are angry, your fervant I 
 thought that the news would have ple.as'd you 
 for after all, what is the bufmefs to me? 
 What do I get by the bargain ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 That's true -, but then would it not vex any 
 man to hear his wife abus'd in fuch a 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Not if it's true, you old fool. 
 
 K S E R-
 
 66 THE LAME LOVER, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Kay it is falfe : prove it; give me that fatis- 
 fadion Sir Luke. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Oh ! you (hall have that pleafure directly ; and 
 ' to come at once to the point you remember 
 laft New-year's day how feverely it froze. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 I do recollect. 
 
 Sir L TJ K E. 
 
 Very well ; we are all invited to dine at Al- 
 derman Inkle's, 
 
 SERJEANT* 
 Very right. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Well, and I did not go : Mrs. Circuit made 
 me dine here, in this houfe was it my fault ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 No, no. Sir Luke, no. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 At table fays fhe fhe faid, I was the picture 
 of you was it my fault ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Well, and fUppoie you are ; where's the mif- 
 chief in that ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Be quiet, I tell you ; then thro\virig her arms 
 round my neck, it is my hufband himfelf I 
 embrace, it is my little old man that I kifs ! 
 for me has a prodigious affection for you at 
 bottom was it my fault ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But what is there ierious in this, doft think 
 I mind fuch trifles ? 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Hold your tongue, you fool, fora moment 
 then throwing her Terefa aiide -upon my Ibul 
 ihe is prodigious fine every where here was it 
 rny fault ? 
 
 1 S E R-
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 67 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 My fault ! my fault ! I fee no fault in all this. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 [Hatching a cry.~] No ! why then my dear 
 friend, do you know that I was fo unworthy, 
 fo profligate, fo abandon'd as to [rifes] fay 
 no more, the bufinefs is done. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Ay, indeed ! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Oh ! fad: ! there is not the leaft doubt of the 
 matter ; this is no bear fay, dy'e fee, I was by 
 all the while. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Very pretty ! very fine upon my word. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Was it my fault ? what could I do ? put 
 yourfelf in my place ; I muft have been more, 
 or lefs, than man to refift. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Your fault, Sir Luke, no, no you did Jnit 
 your duty but as to my wife 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 She's a diabolical fiend, I (ball hate her as 
 long as I live. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 And I too. 
 
 sir LUKE. 
 
 Only think of her forcing me, as it were with 
 
 a fword at my breaft, to play fuch a trick ; you, 
 
 my dear Serjeant, the bed, trueft friend I have 
 
 in the world. [Weeps.] 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 [Weeping'"} Dry your tears, dear Sir Luke ; 
 I mall ever gratefully acknowledge your confi- 
 dence in trufting me with the fecret [taking 
 him forward. \ But I think it might be as well 
 kept from the reft of the world. 
 
 K 2 Sir
 
 58 THE LAM E LOVER, 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 My dear foul, do you think I would tell it to 
 any mortal but you ? No, no, not to my bro- 
 ther himfelf You are the only man upon earth 
 I wou'd trult. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Ten thoufand thanks, my dear friend ! fure 
 there is no comfort, no balfam in life like a 
 friend but I ftall make Madam Circuit re- 
 member 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 We neither of us ought to forgive her were 
 I you, I'd get a divorce* 
 
 S E R J E A N T. 
 
 So I will provided you will promife not to 
 marry her after. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Me ! I'll fooner be torn to pieces by wild 
 horfes no, my dear friend, we will retire to 
 my houfe in the country together, and there, in 
 innocence and fimplicity,- feeding our pigs and 
 pigeons, like fyramus and Thifbe, we will 
 jive the paragons of the age. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Agreed * we will be the whole earth to each 
 pther-, for, as Mr. Sbakespur lays, 
 
 " The friend thou haft and his adoption try'd 
 \ *f Clafp to thy foul, and quit the world belide." 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 ouns, here comes Madam Serjeant herfelf. 
 Enter Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 Mrs CIRCUIT. 
 
 So, Gentlemen ! a fweet tete a tete you have 
 bet-n holding but I know it all, not a fyllable 
 you have faid has been loft. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Then, I hope you have been well entertained 
 $4rs. Circuit?
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 69 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 And you, you mean fpirited, daftardly wretch, 
 to lend a patient ear to his infamous, improba- 
 ble tales, equally Shameful both to you and me. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How Madam ! have you the afiurance 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 Yes, Sir, the aflurance that innocence gives ; 
 there is not a foul, I thank heaven, that can 
 lay the leaft foil, the leaft fpot, on my virtue ; 
 nor is there a man on earth but yourfelf would 
 have fat and filently liften'd to the fictions and 
 fables of this intemperate fot. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Why to be fure the knight is overtaken a little; 
 very near drunk. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 I hope he believes it is a lie. [dfide.] 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT, 
 
 Do me inftant juftice on this defamer, this 
 lyar, or never more expecl: to fee me in your 
 houfe. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 I begin to find out the fraud, this is all a 
 flam of the knight's. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 I'll drive this inftant to a friend of mine in the 
 Commons, and fee if no fatisfacYion can be had, 
 for blafting the reputation of a woman like me 
 r and hark you Sir, what inducement, what 
 devil could prompt ? 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Ay ; what devil could prompt 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 jHeyday ! 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 put I guefs at your motive ; you ffatter'd 
 
 yourfelf
 
 70 THE LAME'LOVE 'R. 
 
 yourfelf, that by marrying Chariot, and dif- 
 carding of me you fhould engrofs all his affec- 
 tions arid 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 True, true ftop, my life, let me come at 
 him, a little : hark you, Mr. Knight, I begin to 
 difcover that you are a very fad dog. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Et tu Brute ! 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Brute ! you'll find I am not the brute you 
 would have made me believe I have confider'd 
 both fides of the quefiion. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 Both fides ofthequeftion? 
 
 S E R J E A A T. 
 
 Both: if your ftory is true, you are a fcoun- 
 drel to debauch the wife of your friend ; and if 
 it is falfe, you are an infamous lyar. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Well argued. 
 
 . SERJEANT. 
 So in both cafes, get out of my houfe. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 Nay, but Serjeant 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Troop I tell you, and never again enter thefe 
 wa lis you have libelled my wife, and I will 
 fee you no more. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 Was there ever fuch a 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 March ! and as to my daughter, I would as 
 foon marry her to a forma pauperis client. 
 
 [Exit Sir Luke. 
 Mrs CIRCUIT. 
 
 Do you confider, Mr. Circuit, where you are 
 pufhing the fellow ? That chamber is Chariot's.
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 71 
 
 Enter Sir LUKE, WOODFORD, CHARLOT, And 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Heyday ! who the deuce have we here ? 
 Pray walk in, my good folks your fervant Mifs 
 Chariot-, your fervant Mr. What-d'ye-call-um. 
 Mr. Serjeant, you need not trouble yourfelf 
 to cater for Mifs -, your family you fee can pro- 
 vide for themfelves. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Heyday ! What the deuce is all this ! Who 
 are you Sir, and how came you here? [To 
 
 Woodford.J 
 JACK. 
 It was I, father, that brought him. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How, firrah ! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 Well faid my young limb of the law. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Come, let us have none o'your tho* I 
 brought Mr. Woodford, you could not perfuade 
 me to do the fame office for you father, never 
 ftir if he did not make me the proffer, if I would 
 let him into the houfe the night you was at 
 Kingfton, of a new pair of filk blockings, and 
 to learn me a minuet. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Me ! I mould never have got you to turn 
 out your toes. 
 
 JACK. 
 
 Ay, and moreover you made me pufh out 
 my cheft, and do fo with my fingers, as if I 
 was taking two pinches of fnuff. 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 You fee, Mr. Serjeant, what a fondnefs, I 
 have for every twig of your family. 
 
 SER-
 
 72 T H E "L A M E LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 T mall thank you hereafter but from you, 
 Chariot, I expected other guefs - 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 When, Sir, you hear this whole matter ex- 
 plain'd, you will acquit I am fure. 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 Indeed, Sir, /am wholly to blame ; my be- 
 ing here was as much a furprize upon Mifs 
 Chariot as 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 But now you are here, pray what's your bu- 
 fmefs ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 O ! father, I can acquaint you with that 
 he wanted me to bring a love letter to Chariot, 
 fo I told him he might bring it hrmfelf, for that 
 I would not do any fuch thing for never fo much, 
 for fear of offending of you. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 You mended the matter indeed but after all, 
 who, and what are you ? 
 
 JACK. 
 
 It's the young gentleman that lives over our 
 heads, to whom Mr. Fairplay is guardian. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Who, Woodford ? 
 
 JACK. 
 The fame. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 And are you, young man in r a fuuation to think 
 of a wife ? 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 I am flattered, Sir, that zsjujlice is with me, 
 I mall one day have no contemptible fortune to 
 throw at her feet. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Juftice is ! What fignifies juftlce ? Is the 
 law with you, you fool ?
 
 THE LAME LOVER. 73 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 With your help, Sir, I fhould hope for their 
 union, upon this occafion at leaft. 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Well, Sir, I (hall re-confider your papers, 
 and, if there are probable grounds, I may be 
 induc'd to hear your propofals. 
 
 WOODFORD. 
 
 Nay then, Sir, the recovering iny paternal 
 poflclfions makes me anxious indeed. Could I 
 hope that the young lady's good wifh would at- 
 tend me ? 
 
 C H A R L O T. 
 
 I have a father, and can have no will of my 
 own. 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 So then it feems poor Pil Garlick here is 
 difcarded at once. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Why, could you have the impudence, after 
 
 what has happen'd, to hope that 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT. 
 
 He has given wonderful proofs of his mo- 
 defty. 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 Be oilier, Mrs. Circuit. Come, good folks, 
 I will let all matters to rights in a minute ; and 
 firft, Mr. Serjeant, it becomes me to tell you, 
 that I never intended to marry your daughter. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How ! never ! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Never. She is a fine girl I allow ; but would 
 it now, Mr. Serjeant, have been honeft in me, 
 to have robb'd the whole fex of my perfon r and 
 ponrjn'd my favors to her ? 
 
 L S R-
 
 74 THE LAME LOVER. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How! 
 
 Sir LUKE. 
 
 No ! I was flruck with the immorality of the 
 thing; and therefore to make it impofilble that 
 you mould ever give me your daughter, I in- 
 vented the ftory I told you concerning Mrs. 
 Circuit and me. 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 How! 
 
 Sir L U K E. 
 
 Truth, upon my honour. Your wife there 
 will tell you the whole was a lye. 
 SERJEANT. 
 
 Nay, then indeed. Bur with what face can 
 I look up to my dear ? I have injur'd her be- 
 yond the hopes of forgivenefs. Wou'd you, 
 lovee, but pafs an act of oblivion 
 
 Sir I, U K E. 
 
 See me here proftrate to implore your cle- 
 mency in behalf of my friend. 
 
 Mrs. CIRCUIT, 
 
 Of that I can't determine directly. But as 
 you feem to have fome fenfe of your guilt, I 
 Hiall grant you a reprieve for the prefent ; 
 which contrition and amendment may, perhaps, 
 in time fwell into a pardon. 
 
 But if again offending you are caught, 
 
 SERJEANT. 
 Then let me fuffer, dearee, as I ought. 
 
 FINIS,
 
 

 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY 
 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below 
 
 
 'NIA
 
 A OOOQQ-i 414 2