ft 
 
 
 

 
 THE 
 
 PBOSE TALES 
 
 EDGAR ALLAN POE, 
 
 SECOND SERIES. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 W. J. WIDDLETON, PUBLISHER. 
 
 1878.
 
 ENTERED, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1849, by 
 J. S. REDFIELD, 
 
 fn the Clerk's Office of the District Court, for the Southern District 
 of New York. 
 
 Copyright, 1876, by W. J. WIDDLETON.
 
 CONTENTS OF VOL. II. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 NARRATIVE OF A. GOXDON For 13 
 
 NOTE 186 
 
 MISCELLANIES. 
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROFESSOR PETHER 1'Jl 
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ 210 
 
 How TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE 230 
 
 A PREDICAMENT 241 
 
 MYSTIFICATION 251 
 
 X-ING A PARAGRAB 260 
 
 DIDDLING CONSIDERED AS ONE OF THE EXACT SCIENCES 267 
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD 278 
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 288 
 
 Loss OF BREATH 302 
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP 315 
 
 THE BUSINESS MAN 3'.'6 
 
 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN 336 
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS PLAYER 34*5 
 
 POWER OF WORDS 371 
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MONUS AND UNA 376 
 
 THE CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CHARMION 386 
 
 SHADOW 392 
 
 SILENCE 395 
 
 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE 399 
 
 A TALE OF JERUSALEM 406
 
 vi CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 THE SPHINX 411 
 
 THE MAN OF THE CROWD 416 
 
 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD 426 
 
 Tnou ABT THE MAN 436 
 
 HOP-FROG 451 
 
 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE ; THE HOMO-CAMELEOPARD 461 
 
 WHY THE LITTTE FRENCHMAN WEARS HIS HAND IN A SLING 46! 
 
 BON BON 475 
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 493 
 
 KEVIEW OF STEPHENS' s ARABIA PETR^EA 509 
 
 MAGAZINE WRITING. PETER SNOOK 528 
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE 540 
 
 ASTORIA.., . . 551
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 UPON my return to the United States a few months ago, after 
 the extraordinary series of adventure in the South Seas and 
 elsewhere, of which an account is given in the following pages, 
 accident threw me into the society of several gentlemen in Rich- 
 mond, Va., who felt deep interest in all matters relating to the 
 regions I had visited, and who were constantly urging it upon 
 me, as a duty, to give my narrative to the public. I had seve- 
 ral reasons, however, for declining to do so, some of which were 
 of a nature altogether private, and concern no person but my- 
 self; others not so much so. One consideration which deterred 
 me was, that, having kept no journal during a greater portion of 
 the time in which I was absent, I feared I should not be able to 
 write, from mere memory, a statement so minute and connected 
 as to have the appearance of that truth it would really possess, 
 barring only the natural and unavoidable exaggeration to which 
 all of us are prone when detailing events which have had pow- 
 erful influence in exciting the imaginative faculties. Another 
 reason was, that the incidents to be narrated were of a nature so 
 positively marvellous, that, unsupported as my assertions must 
 necessarily be (except by the evidence of a single individual, 
 and he a half-breed Indian), I could only hope for belief among 
 my family, and those of my friends who have had reason,
 
 * PREFACE. 
 
 through, life, to put faith in my veracity the probability being 
 that the public at large would regard what I should put forth as 
 merely an impudent and ingenious fiction. A distrust in my 
 own abilities as a writer was, nevertheless, one of the principal 
 causes which prevented me from complying with the suggestions 
 of my advisers. 
 
 Among those gentlemen in Virginia who expressed the great- 
 est interest in my statement, more particularly in regard to that 
 portion of it which related to the Antarctic Ocean, was Mr. Poe, 
 lately editor of the Southern Literary Messenger, a monthly 
 magazine, published by Mr. Thomas TV. White, in the city of 
 Richmond. He strongly advised me, among others, to prepare 
 at once a full account of what I had seen and undergone, and 
 trust to the shrewdness and common sense of the public insist- 
 ing, with great plausibility, that however roughly, as regards 
 mere authorship, my book should be got up, its very uncouth- 
 ness, if there were any, would give it all the better chance of 
 being received as truth. 
 
 Notwithstanding this representation, I did not make up my 
 mind to do as he suggested. He afterward proposed (finding 
 that I would not stir in the matter) that I should allow him to 
 draw up, in his own words, a narrative of the earlier portion of 
 my adventures, from facts afforded by myself, publishing it in 
 the Southern Messenger under the garb of fiction. To this, 
 perceiving no objection, I consented, stipulating only that my 
 real name should be retained. Two numbers of the pretended 
 fiction appeared, consequently, in the Messenger for January 
 and February (1837), and, in order that it might certainly be 
 regarded as fiction, the name of Mr. Poe was affixed to the arti- 
 cles in the table of contents of the magazine. 
 
 The manner in which this ruse was received has induced me 
 at length to undertake a regular compilation and publication of 
 the adventures in question ; foi I found that, in spite of the air
 
 PREFACE. ri 
 
 of fable which had been so ingeniously thrown around that por- 
 tion of my statement which appeared in the Messenger (without 
 altering or distorting a single fact), the public were still not at 
 all disposed to receive it as fable, and several letters were sent 
 to Mr. P.'s address, distinctly expressing a conviction to the con- 
 trary. I thence concluded that the fact." of my narrative would 
 prove of such a nature as to carry with them sufficient evidence 
 of their own authenticity, and that I had consequently little to 
 fear on the score of popular incredulity. 
 
 This expose being made, it will be seen at once how much of 
 what follows I claim to be my own writing ; and it will also be 
 understood that no fact is misrepresented in the first few pages 
 which were written by Mr. Poe. Even to those readers who 
 have not seen the Messenger, it will be unnecessary to point out 
 where his portion ends and my own commences ; the difference 
 in point of style will be readily perceived. 
 
 A. G. PYM.
 
 NARRATIVE OF A. GORDON PYM 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 MY name is Arthur Gordon Pym. My father was a respect- 
 able trader in sea-stores at Nantucket, where I was born. My 
 maternal grandfiither was an attorney in good practice. He was 
 fortunate in everything, and had speculated very successfully in 
 stocks of the Edgarton New Bank, as it was formerly called. 
 By these and other means he had managed to lay by a tolerable 
 sum of money. He was more attached to myself, I believe, 
 than to any other person in the world, and I expected to inherit 
 the most of his property at his death. He sent me, at six years 
 of age, to the school of old Mr. Ricketts, a gentleman with only 
 one arm, and of eccentric manners he is well known to almost 
 every person who has visited New Bedford. I stayed at his 
 school until I was sixteen, when I left him for Mr. E. Ronald's 
 academy on the hill. Here I became intimate with the son of 
 Mr. Barnard, a sea captain, who generally sailed in the employ 
 f Lloyd and Vredenburgh rMr. Barnard is also very well 
 known in New Bedford, and has many relations, I am certain, 
 in Edgarton. His son was named Augustus, and he was nearly 
 two years older than myself. He had been on a whaling voyage 
 with his father in the John Donaldson, and was always talking 
 to me of his adventures in the South Pacific Ocean. I used 
 frequently to go home with him, and remain all day, and some- 
 times all night. We occupied the same bed, and he would be 
 sure to keep me awake until almost light, telling me stories of 
 the natives of the Island of Tinian, and other places he had visited 
 in his travels. At last I could not help being interested in what lie
 
 H NARRATIVE OF 
 
 said, and by degrees I felt the greatest desire to go to sea. I 
 owned a sail-boat called the Ariel, and worth about seventy-five 
 dollars. She had a half deck or cuddy, and was rigged sloop- 
 fashion I forget her tonnage, but she would hold ten persons 
 without much crowding. In this boat we were in the habit of 
 going on some of the maddest freaks in the world ; and, when I 
 now think of them, it appears to me a thousand wonders that 1 
 am alive to-day. 
 
 I will relate one of these adventures by way of introduction 
 to a longer and more momentous narrative. One night there 
 was a party at Mr. Barnard's, and both Augustus and myself 
 were not a little intoxicated towards the close of it. As usual, 
 in such cases, I took part of his bed in preference to going 
 home. He went to sleep, as I thought, very quietly (it being 
 near one when the party broke up), and without saying a word 
 on his favorite topic. It might have been half an hour from 
 the time of our getting in bed, and I was just about falling into 
 a doze, when he suddenly started up, and swore with a terrible 
 oath that he would not go to sleep for any Arthur Pym in 
 Christendom, when there was so glorious a breeze from the 
 south-west. I never was so astonished in my life, not knowing 
 what he intended, and thinking that the wines and liquors he 
 had drunk had set him entirely beside himself. He proceeded 
 to talk very coolly, however, saying he knew that I supposed 
 him intoxicated, but that he was never more sober in his life. 
 He was only tired, he added, of lying in bed on such a fine 
 night like a dog, and was determined to get up and dress, and go 
 out on a frolic with the boat. I can hardly tell what possessed 
 me, but the words were no sooner out of his mouth than I felt a 
 thrill of the greatest excitement and pleasure, and thought his 
 mad idea one of the most delightful and most reasonable things 
 in the world. It was blowing almost a gale, and the weather 
 was very cold it being late in October. I sprang out of bed, 
 nevertheless, in a kind of ecstasy, and told him I was quite as 
 brave as himself, and quite as tired as he was of lying in bed 
 like a dog, and quite as ready for any fun or frolic as any 
 Augustus Barnard in Nantucket. 
 
 We lost no time ir getting: on our clothes and hurrying down
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 15 
 
 to the boat. She was lying at the old decayed wharf by the. 
 lumber-yard of Pankey & Co., and almost thumping her sides 
 out against the rough logs. Augustus got into her and bailed 
 her, for she was nearly half full of water. This being done, 
 we hoisted jib and mainsail, kept full, and started boldly out to 
 sea. 
 
 The wind, as I before said, blew freshly from the south-west 
 The night was very clear and cold. Augustus had taken the 
 helm, and I stationed myself by the mast, on the deck of the 
 cuddy. We flew along at a great rate neither of us having 
 yaid a word since casting loose from the wharf. I now asked 
 my companion what course he intended to steer, and what time 
 he thought it probable we should get back. He whistled for a 
 few minutes, and then said crustily, " 1 am going to sea you 
 may go home if you think proper." Turning my eyes upon 
 him, I perceived at once that, in spite of his assumed nonchalance, 
 he was greatly agitated. I could see him distinctly by the light 
 of the moon his face was paler than any marble, and his hand 
 shook so excessively that he could scarcely retain hold of the 
 tiller. I found that something had gone wrong, and became 
 seriously alarmed. At this period I knew little about the 
 management of a boat, and was now depending entirely upon 
 the nautical skill of my friend. The wind, too, had suddenly 
 increased, and we were fast getting out of the lee of the land 
 still I was ashamed to betray any trepidation, and for almost 
 half an hour maintained a resolute silence. I could stand it no 
 longer, however, and spoke to Augustus about the propriety of 
 turning back. As before, it was nearly a minute before he made 
 answer, or took any notice of my suggestion. " By-and-by," said 
 he at length " time enough home by-and-by." I had expected 
 such a reply, but there was something in the tone of these words 
 which filled me with an indescribable feeling of dread. I again 
 looked at the speaker attentively. His lips were perfectly livid, 
 and his knees shook so violently together, that he seemed 
 scarcely able to stand. " For God's sake, Augustus," I screamed, 
 now heartily frightened, " what ails you ? what is the matter ? 
 what are you going to do ?" " Matter !" he stammered, in the 
 greatest apparent surprise, letting go the tiller at the same mo-
 
 IQ JSARRATIVE OF 
 
 merit, and falling forward into the bottom of the boat " matter 
 why, nothing is the matter going home d d don't you 
 see ?" The whole truth now flashed upon me. I flew to him 
 and raised him up. He was drunk beastly drunk he could 
 no longer either stand, speak, or see. His eyes were perfectly 
 glazed ; and as I let him go in the extremity of my despair, he 
 rolled like a mere log into the bilge-water from which I had 
 lifted him. It was evident that, during the evening, he had 
 drunk far more than I suspected, and that his conduct in bed had 
 been the result of a highly-concentrated state of intoxication 
 a state which, like madness, frequently enables the victim to imi- 
 tate the outward demeanor of one in perfect possession of his 
 senses. The coolness of the night air, however, had had its usual 
 effect the mental energy began to yield before its influence 
 and the confused perception Avhich he no doubt then had of his 
 perilous situation had assisted in hastening the catastrophe. 
 He was now thoroughly insensible, and there was no probability 
 that he would be otherwise for many hours. 
 
 It is hardly possible to conceive the extremity of my terror. 
 The fumes of the wine lately taken had evaporated, leaving me 
 doubly timid and irresolute. I knew that I was altogether in- 
 capable of managing the boat, and that a fierce wind and strong 
 ebb tide were hurrying us to destruction. A storm was evi- 
 dently gathering behind us ; we had neither compass nor pro- 
 visions ; and it was clear that, if we held our present course, we 
 should be out of sight of land before daybreak. These thoughts, 
 with a crowd of others equally fearful, flashed through my mind 
 with a bewildering rapidity, and for some moments paralyzed 
 me beyond the possibility of making any exertion. The boat 
 was going through the water at a terrible rate full before the 
 wind no reef in either jib or mainsail running her bows com- 
 pletely under the foam. It was a thousand wonders she did 
 not broach to Augustus having let go the tiller, as I said be- 
 fore, and I being too much agitated to think of taking it myself 
 By good luck, however, she kept steady, and gradually I re- 
 covered some degree of presence of mind. Still the wind was 
 increasing fearfully ; and whenever we rose from a plunge for- 
 ward, the sea behind fell combing over our counter, and deluged
 
 A. GORDOiN PY.M. 17 
 
 us with water. I \vas so utterly benumbed, toe, in every limb, 
 as to be nearly unconscious of sensation. At length I sum- 
 moned up the resolution of despair, and rushing to the mainsail, 
 let it go by the run. As might have been expected, it flew over 
 the bows, and, getting drenched with water, carried away the 
 mast short off by the board. This latter accident alone saved 
 me from instant destruction. Under the jib only, I now boomed 
 along before the wind, shipping heavy seas occasionally, but 
 relieved from the terror of immediate death. I took the helm, 
 and breathed with greater freedom, as I found that there yet re- 
 mained to us a chance of ultimate escape. Augustus still lay 
 senseless in the bottom of the boat ; and as there was imminent 
 danger of his drowning (the water being nearly a foot deep 
 just where he fell), I contrived to raise him partially up, and 
 keep him in a sitting position, by passing a rope round his waist, 
 and lashing it to a ringbolt in the deck of the cuddy. Having 
 thus arranged everything as well as I could in my chilled and 
 agitated condition, I recommended myself to God, and made up 
 my mind to bear whatever might happen with all the fortitude 
 in my power. 
 
 Hardly had I came to this resolution, when, suddenly, a loud 
 and long scream or yell, as if from the throats of a thousand 
 demons, seemed to pervade the whole atmosphere around 
 and above the boat. Never while I live shall I "forget the in- 
 tense agony of terror I experienced at that moment. My hair 
 stood erect on my head I felt the blood congealing in my veins 
 my heart ceased utterly to beat, and without having once 
 raised my eyes to learn the source of my alarm, I tumbled 
 headlong and insensible upon the body of my fallen com- 
 panion. 
 
 I found myself, upon reviving, in the cabin of a large whaling- 
 ship (the Penguin) bound to Jsantucket. Several persons were 
 standing over me, and Augustus, paler than death, was busily 
 occupied in chafing my hands. Upon seeing me cpen my eyes, 
 his exclamations of gratitude and joy excited alternate laughter 
 and tears from the rough-looking personages who were present. 
 The mystery of our being in existence was now soon explained. 
 We had been run down by the whaling-ship, which was clcse
 
 18 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 hauled, beating up to Nantucket with every sail she could 
 venture to set, and consequently running almost at right angles 
 to our own course. Several men were on the look-out forward, 
 but did not perceive our boat until it was an impossibility to 
 avoid coming in contact their shouts of warning upon seeing 
 us were what so terribly alarmed me. The huge ship, I was 
 told, rode immediately over us with as much ease as our own 
 little vessel would have passed over a feather, and without the 
 least perceptible impediment to her progress. Not a scream arose 
 from the deck of the victim there was a slight grating sound 
 to be heard mingling with the roar of wind and water, as the 
 frail bark which was swallowed up rubbed for a moment along 
 the keel of her destroyer but this was all. Thinking our boat 
 (which it will be remembered was dismasted) some mere shell 
 cut adrift as useless, the captain (Captain E. T. V. Block of 
 New London) was for proceeding on his course without troubling 
 himself further about the matter. Luckily, there were two oi 
 the look-out who swore positively to having seen some person at 
 our helm, and represented the possibility of yet saving him. A 
 discussion ensued, when Block grew angry, and, after a while, 
 said that " it was no business of his to be eternally watching for 
 egg-shells; that the ship should not put about for any such 
 nonsense ; and if there was a man run down, it was nobody's 
 fault but his "own he might drown and be d d," or some 
 language to that effect. Henderson, the first mate, now took the 
 matter up, being justly indignant, as well as the whole ship's 
 crew, at a speech evincing such a degree of heartless atrocity. 
 He spoke plainly, seeing himself upheld by the men, told the 
 captain he considered him a fit subject for the gallows, and that 
 he would disobey his orders if he were hanged for it the moment 
 he set his" foot on shore. He strode aft, jostling Block (who 
 turned very pale and made no answer) on one side, and seizing 
 the helm, gave the word, in a firm voice, Hard-a-lee ! The men 
 flew to their posts, and the ship went cleverly about. All this 
 had occupied nearly five minutes, and it was supposed to be 
 hardly within the bounds of possibility that any individual could 
 be saved allowing any to have been on board the boat. Yet, 
 as tne reader has seen, both Augustus and myself were rescued;
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 19 
 
 and our deliverance seemed to have been brought about by two 
 of those almost inconceivable pieces of good fortune which are 
 attributed by^he wise and pious to the special interference of 
 Providence. 
 
 While the ship was yet in stays, the mate lowered the jolly- 
 boat and jumped into her with the very two men, I believe, who 
 spoke up as having seen me at the helm. They had just left the 
 lee of the vessel (the moon still shining brightly) when she made 
 a long and heavy roll to windward, and Henderson, at the same 
 moment, starting up in his seat, bawled out to his crew to back 
 water. He would say nothing else repeating his cry impatiently, 
 back water! back water! The men put back as speedily as pos- 
 sible ; but by this time the ship had gone round, and gotten fully 
 under headway, although all hands on board were making great 
 exertions to take in sail. In despite of the danger of the attempt, 
 the mate clung to the main-chains as soon as they came within 
 his reach. Another huge lurch now brought the starboard side 
 of the vessel out of water nearly as far as her keel, when the 
 cause of his anxiety was rendered obvious enough. The body 
 of a man was seen to be affixed in the most singular manner to 
 the smooth and shining bottom (the Penguin was coppered and 
 copper-fastened), and beating violently against it with every 
 movement of the hull. After several ineffectual efforts, made 
 during the lurches of the ship, and at the imminent risk of 
 swamping the boat, I was finally disengaged from my perilous 
 situation and taken on board for the body proved to be my own. 
 It appeared that one of the timber-bolts having started and 
 broken a passage through the copper, it had arrested my progress 
 as I passed under the ship, and fastened me in so extraordinary 
 a manner to her bottom. The head of the bolt had made its way 
 through the collar of the green baize jacket I had on, and through 
 the back part of my neck, forcing itself out between two sinews 
 and just below the right ear. I was immediately put to bed 
 although life seemed to be totally extinct. There was no sur- 
 geon on board. The captain, however, treated me with every 
 attention to make amends, I presume, in the eyes of his crew> 
 for his atrocious behavior in the previous portion of the adventure. 
 
 In the meantime, Henderson had again put off from the ship,
 
 20 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 although the wind was now blowing almost a hurricane. He 
 had not been gone many minutes when he fell in with some frag- 
 ments of our boat, and shortly afterwards one of the "men with him 
 asserted that he could distinguish a cry for help at intervals amid 
 the roaring of the tempest. This induced the hardy seamen to 
 persevere in their search for more than half an hour, although 
 repeated signals to return were made them by Captain Block, 
 and although every moment on the water in so frail a boat was 
 fraught to them with the most imminent and deadly peril.' In- 
 deed, it is nearly impossible to conceive how the small jolly they 
 were m could have escaped destruction for a single instant. She 
 was built, however, for the whaling service, and was fitted, as I 
 have since had reason to believe, with air-boxes, in the manner 
 of some life-boats used on the coast of Wales. 
 
 After searching in vain for about the period of time just men- 
 tioned, it was determined to get back to the ship. They had 
 scarcely made this resolve when a feeble cry arose from a dark 
 object that floated rapidly by. They pursued and soon overtook 
 it. It proved to be the entire deck of the Ariel's cuddy. Au- 
 gustus was struggling near it, apparently in the last agonies. 
 Upon getting hold of him it was found that he was attached by 
 a rope to the floating timber. This rope, it will be remembered, 
 I had myself tied round his waist, and made fast to a ringbolt, 
 for the purpose of keeping him in an upright position, and my so 
 doing, it appeared, had been ultimately the means of preserving 
 his life. The Ariel was slightly put together, and in going down 
 her frame naturally went to pieces ; the deck of the cuddy, as 
 might have been expected, was lifted, by the force of the water 
 rushing in, entirely from the main timbers, and floated (with 
 other fragments, no doubt) to the surface Augustus was buoyed 
 up with it, and thus escaped a terrible death. 
 
 It was more than an hour after being taken on board the Pen- 
 guin before he could give any account of himself, or be made to 
 comprehend the nature of the accident which had befallen our 
 boat. At length he became thoroughly aroused, and spoke much 
 of his sensations while in the water. Upon his first attaining 
 any degree of consciousness, he found himself beneath the sur- 
 face, whirling round and round with inconceivable rapidity, and
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 21 
 
 with a rope wound in three or four folds tightly about his neck. 
 In an instant afterwards he felt himself going rapidly upward, 
 when, his head striking violently against a hard substance, he 
 again relapsed into insensibility. Upon once more reviving he 
 was in ft.ller possession of his reason this was still, however, in 
 the greatest degree clouded and confused. He now knew that 
 some accident had occurred, and that he was in the watei, although 
 his mouth was above the surface, and he could breathe with some 
 freedom. Possibly, at this period, the deck was drifting rapidly 
 before the wind, and drawing him after it, as he floated upon his 
 back. Of course, as long as he could have retained this position, 
 it would have been nearly impossible that he should be drowned. 
 Presently a surge threw him directly athwart the deck ; and this 
 post he endeavored to maintain, screaming at intervals for help. 
 Just before he was discovered by Mr. Henderson, he had been 
 obliged to relax his hold through exhaustion, and, falling into the 
 sea, had given himself up for lost. During the whole period of 
 his struggles he had not the faintest recollection of the Ariel, nor 
 of any matters in connection with the source of his disaster. A 
 vague feeling of terror and despair had taken entire possession 
 of his faculties. When he was finally picked up, every power 
 of his mind had failed him ; and, as before said, it was nearly an 
 hour after getting on board the Penguin before he became fully 
 aware of his condition. In regard to myself I was resuscitated 
 from a state bordering very nearly upon death (and after every 
 other means had been tried in vain for three hours and a half) 
 by vigorous friction with flannels bathed in hot oil a proceed ing 
 suggested by Augustus. The wound in my neck, although of an 
 ugly appearance, proved of little real consequence, and I soon 
 recovered from its effects. 
 
 The Penguin got into port about nine o'clock in the morning, 
 after encountering one of the severest gales ever experienced off 
 Nantucket. Both Augustus and myself managed to appear at 
 Mr. Barnard's in time for breakfast which, luckily, was some- 
 what late, .owing to the party over night. I suppose, all at the 
 table were too much fatigued themselves to notice our jaded ap- 
 pearance of course, it would not have borne a very rigid scru- 
 tiny. Schoolboys, however, can accomplish wonders in the way
 
 22 NARRATIVE UF 
 
 of deception, and I verily believe not one of our friends in Nan- 
 tucket had the slightest suspicion that the terrible story told by 
 some sailors in town of their having run down a vessel at sea 
 and drowned some thirty or forty poor devils, had reference 
 either to the Ariel, my companion, or myself. We two have 
 since very frequently talked the matter over but never without 
 a shudder. In one of our conversations Augustus frankly con- 
 fessed to me, that in his whole life he had at no time experienced 
 so excruciating a sense of dismay, as when on board our little 
 boat he first discovered the extent of his intoxication, and felt 
 himself sinking beneath its influence. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 IN no affairs of mere prejudice, pro or con, do we deduce in- 
 ferences with entire certainty, even from the most simple data. 
 It might be supposed that a catastrophe such as I have just 
 related would have effectually cooled my incipient passion for the 
 sea On the contrary, I never experienced a more ardent long- 
 ing for the wild adventures incident to the life of a navigator 
 than within a week after our miraculous deliverance. This 
 short period proved amply long enough to erase from my memory 
 the shadows, and bring out in vivid light all the pleasurably ex' 
 citing points of color, all the picturesqueness of the late perilous 
 accident. My conversations with Augustus grew daily more 
 frequent and more intensely full of interest. He fead a manner 
 of relating his stories of the ocean (more than one-half of which 
 I now suspect to have been sheer fabrications) well adapted to 
 have weight with one of my enthusiastic temperament, and some- 
 what gloomy, although glowing imagination. It is strange, too, 
 that he most strongly enlisted my feelings in behalf of the life of 
 a seaman, when he depicted his more terrible moments of suffer- 
 ing and despair. For the bright side of the painting I had a 
 limited sympathy. My visions were of shipwreck and famine ; 
 of death or captivity among barbarian hordes ; of a lifetime 
 dragged out m sorrow and tears, upon some gray and desolate
 
 . A. GORDON PYM. 23 
 
 rock, in an ocean unapproachable and unknown. Such visions 
 01 desires for they amounted to desires are common, I have 
 since been assured, to the whole numerous race of the melancholy 
 among men at the time of which I speak I regarded them only 
 as prophetic glimpses of a destiny which I felt myself in a 
 measure bound to fulfil. Augustus thoroughly entered into my 
 state of mind. It is probable, indeed, that our intimate com- 
 munion had resulted in a partial interchange of character. 
 
 About eighteen months after the period of the Ariel's disaster, 
 the firm of Lloyd and Vredenburgh (a house connected in some 
 manner with the Messieurs. Enderby, I believe, of Liverpool) were 
 engaged in repairing and fitting out the brig Grampus for a 
 whaling voyage. She was an old hulk, and scarcely seaworthy 
 when all was done to her that could be done. I hardly know 
 why she was chosen hi preference to other and good vessels be- 
 longing to the same owners but so it was. Mr. Barnard waa 
 appointed to command her, and Augustus was going with him. 
 While the brig was getting ready, he frequently urged upon me 
 the excellency of the opportunity now offered for indulging my 
 desire of travel. He found me by no means an unwilling listen- 
 er yet the matter could not be so easily arranged. My father 
 made no direct opposition ; but my mother went into hysterics at 
 the bare mention of the design ; and, more than all, my grand- 
 father, from whom I expected much, vowed to cut me off with a 
 shilling if I should ever broach the subject to him again. These 
 difficulties, however, so far from abating my desire, only added 
 fuel to the flame. I determined to go at all hazards ; and, having 
 made known my intention to Augustus, we set about arranging a 
 plan by which it might be accomplished. In the meantime I 
 forbore speaking to any of my relations in regard to the voyage, 
 and. as I busied myself ostensibly with my usual studies, it was 
 supposed that I had abandoned the design. I have since fre- 
 quently examined my conduct on this occasion with sentiments of 
 displeasure as well as of surprise. The intense hypocrisy I made 
 use of for the furtherance of my project an hypocrisy pervading 
 every word and action of my life for so long a period of time 
 oould only have been rendered tolerable to myself by the wild
 
 24 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 and burning expectation with which I looked forward to the ful 
 filment of my long-cherished visions of travel. 
 
 In pursuance of my scheme of deception, I was necessarily 
 obliged to leave much to the management of Augustus, who was 
 employed for the greater part of every day on board the Gram- 
 pus, attending to some arrangements for his father in the cabin 
 and cabin hold. At night, however, we were sure to have a 
 conference, and talk over our hopes. After nearly a month 
 passed in this manner, without our hitting upon any plan we 
 thought likely to succeed, he told me at last that he had deter- 
 mined upon everything necessary. 1 had a relation living in 
 New Bedford, a Mr. Ross, at whose house I was in the habit of 
 spending occasionally two or three weeks at a time. The brig 
 was to sail about the middle of June (June, 1827), and it was 
 agreed that, a day or two before her putting to sea, my father 
 was to receive a note, as usual, from Mr. Ross, asking me to 
 come over and spend a fortnight with Robert and Emmet (his 
 sons). Augustus charged himself with the inditing of this note 
 and getting it delivered. Having set out, as supposed, for New 
 Bedford, I was then to report myself to my companion, who 
 would contrive a hiding-place for me in the Grampus. This 
 hiding-place, he assured me, would be rendered sufficiently com- 
 fortable for a residence of many days, during which I was not to 
 make my appearance. When the brig had proceeded so far on 
 her course as to make any turning back a matter out of question, 
 I should then, he said, be formally installed in all the comforts of 
 the cabin ; and as to his father, he would only laugh heartily at 
 the joke. Vessels enough would be met with by which a letter 
 might be sent home explaining the adventure to my parents. 
 
 The middle of June at length arrived, and everything had been 
 matured. The note was written and delivered, and on a Monday 
 morning I left the house for the New Bedford packet, as sup- 
 posed. I went, however, straight to Augustus, who was waiting 
 for me at the corner of a street. It had been our original plan 
 that I should keep out of the way until dark, and then slid on 
 board the brig; but, as there was now a thick fog in our favor, it 
 was agreed to lose no time in secreting me. Augustus led the 
 Way to the wharf, and I followed nt a little distance, enveloped it?
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 25 
 
 a thick seaman's cloak, which he had brought with him, so that 
 my person might not be easily recognized. Just as we turned 
 the second corner, after passing Mr. Edmund's well, who should 
 appear, standing right in front of me, and looking me full in the 
 face, but old Mr. Peterson, my grandfather. " Why, bless my 
 soul, Gordon," said he, after a long pause, " why, why, whose 
 dirty cloak is that you have on ?" " Sir !" I replied, assuming, 
 as well as I could, in the exigency of the moment, an air of of- 
 fended surprise, and talking in the gruffest of all imaginable 
 tones " sir ! you are a sum'mat mistaken my name, in the first 
 place, bee'nt nothing at all like Goddin, and I'd want you for to 
 know better, you blackguard, than to call my new obercoat a 
 darty one." For my life I could hardly refrain from screaming 
 with laughter at the odd manner in which the old gentleman re- 
 ceived this handsome rebuke. He started back two or three 
 steps, turned first pale and then excessively red, threw up his 
 spectacles, then, putting them down, ran full tilt at me, with his 
 umbrella uplifted. He stopped short, however, in his career, as 
 if struck with a sudden recollection ; and presently, turning 
 round, hobbled off down the street, shaking all the while with 
 rage, and muttering between his teeth, " Won't do new glass- 
 es thought it was Gordon d d good-for-nothing salt water 
 Long Tom." 
 
 After this narrow escape we proceeded with greater caution, 
 and arrived at our point of destination in safety. There were 
 only one or two of the hands on board, and these were busy for- 
 ward, doing something to the forecastle combings. Captain 
 Barnard, we knew very well, was engaged at Lloyd and Vreden- 
 burgh's, and would remain there until late in the evening, so we 
 had little to apprehend on his account. Augustus went first up 
 the vessel's side, and in a short while I followed him, without 
 being noticed by the men at work. We proceeded at once into 
 the cabin, and found no person there. It was fitted up in the 
 most comfortable style a thing somewhat unusual in a whaling- 
 vessel. There were four very excellent state-rooms, with wide 
 and convenient berths. There was also a large stove, I took 
 notice, and a remarkably thick and valuable carpet covering the 
 floor of both the cabin and state-rooms. The ceiling was full
 
 26 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 seven feet high, and, m short, everything appeared of a more 
 roomy and agreeable nature than I had anticipated. Augustus, 
 however, would allow me but little time for observation, insisting 
 upon the necessity of my concealing myself as soon as possible. 
 He led the way into his own state-room, which was on the star- 
 board side of the brig, and next to the bulkheads. Upon enter 
 ing, he closed the door and bolted it. I thought I had never 
 seen a nicer little room than the one in Avhich I now found my 
 self. It was about ten feet long, and had only one berth, which, 
 as I said before, was wide and convenient. In that portion of 
 the closet nearest the bulkheads there was a space of four feet 
 square, containing a table, a chair, and a set of hanging shelves 
 full of books, chiefly books of voyages and travels. There were 
 many other little comforts in the room, among which I ought not 
 to forget a kind of safe or refrigerator, in which Augustus pointed 
 out to me a host of delicacies, both in the eating and drinking 
 department. 
 
 He now pressed with his knuckles upon a certain spot of the 
 carpet in one corner of the space just mentioned, letting me 
 know that a portion of the flooring, about sixteen inches square, 
 had been neatly cut out and again adjusted. As he pressed, this 
 portion rose up at one end sufficiently to allow the passage of his 
 finger beneath. In this manner he raised the mouth of the trap 
 (to which the carpet was still fastened by tacks), and I found 
 that it led into the after hold. He next lit a small taper by 
 means of a phosphorus match, and, placing the light in a dark 
 lantern, descended with it through the opening, bidding me 
 follow. I did so, and he then pulled the cover upon the hole, 
 by means of a nail driven into the under side the carpet, of 
 course, resuming its original position on the floor of the state- 
 room, and all traces of the aperture being concealed. 
 
 The taper gave out so feeble a ray that it was with the 
 greatest difficulty I could grope my way through the confused 
 mass of lumber among which I now found myself. By degrees, 
 however, my eyes became accustomed to the gloom, and I pro- 
 ceeded with less trouble, holding on to the skirts of my friend's 
 coat. He brought me, at length, after creeping and winding 
 through innumerable narrow passages, to an iron-boundbox, such
 
 A, GORDON PYM. 27 
 
 as is used sometimes for packing fine earthenware. It was 
 nearly four feet high, and full six long, but very narrow, 
 Two large empty oil-casks lay on the top of it, and above these, 
 again, a vast quantity of straw matting, piled up as high as the 
 floor of the cabin. In every other direction around was wedged 
 as closely as possible, even up to the ceiling, a complete chaos 
 of almost every species of ship-furniture, together with a hetero- 
 geneous medley of crates, hampers, barrels, and bales, so that it 
 seemed a matter no less than miraculous that we had discovered 
 any passage at all to the box. I afterward found that Augustus 
 had purposely arranged the stowage in this hold with a view to 
 affording me a thorough concealment, having had only one 
 assistant in the labor, a man not going out in the brig. 
 
 My companion now showed me that one of the ends of the 
 box could be removed 'at pleasure. He slipped it aside and 
 displayed the interior, at which I was excessively amused. A 
 mattress from one of the cabin berths covered the whole of its 
 bottom, and it contained almost every article of mere comfort 
 which could be crowded into so small a space, allowing me, at 
 the same time, sufficient room for my accommodation, either 
 in a sitting position or lying at full length. Among other things, 
 there were some books, pen, ink, and paper, three blankets, a 
 large jug full of water, a keg of sea-biscuit, three or four im- 
 mense Bologna sausages, an enormous ham, a cold leg of roast 
 mutton, and half a dozen bottles of cordials and liqueurs. I 
 proceeded immediately to take possession of my little apartment, 
 and this with feelings of higher satisfaction, I am sure, than any 
 monarch ever experienced upon entering a new palace. Augus- 
 tus now pointed out to me the method of fastening the open end 
 of the box, and then, holding the taper close to the deck, showed 
 me a piece of dark whipcord lying along it. This, he said, 
 extended from my hiding-place throughout all the necessary 
 windings among the lumber, to a nail which was driven into the 
 deck of the hold, immediately beneath the trapdoor leading into 
 his state-room. By means of this cord I should be enabled 
 readily to trace my way out without his guidance, provided any 
 unlooked-for accident should render such a step necessary, He 
 now took his departure, leaving with me the lantern, together
 
 28 NARRATIVE CXF 
 
 with a copious supply of tapers and phosphorus, and promising 
 to pay me a visit as often as he could contrive to do so without 
 observation. This was on the seventeenth of June. 
 
 I remained three days and nights (as nearly as I could guess) 
 in my hiding-place without getting out of it at all, except twice for 
 the purpose of stretching my limbs by standing erect between two 
 crates just opposite the opening. During the whole period I saw 
 nothing of Augustus ; but this occasioned me little uneasiness, 
 as I knew the brig was expected to put to sea every hour, and 
 in the bustle he would not easily find opportunities of coming 
 down to me. At length I heard the trap open and shut, and 
 presently he called in a low voice, asking if all was well, and if 
 there was anything I wanted. " Nothing," I replied ; " I am as 
 comfortable as can be ; when will the brig sail ?" " She will be 
 under weigh in less than half an hour," he answered. " I came 
 to let you know, and for fear you should be uneasy at my ab- 
 sence. I shall not have a chance of coming down again for 
 some time perhaps for three or four days more. All is going 
 on right aboveboard. After I go up and close the trap, do you 
 creep along by the whipcord to where the nail is driven in. You 
 will find my watch there it may be useful to you, as you have 
 no daylight to keep time by. I suppose you can't tell how long 
 you have been buried only three days this is the twentieth, 
 I would bring the watch to your box, but am afraid of being 
 missed." With this he went up. 
 
 In about an hour after he had gone I distinctly felt the brig 
 in motion, and congratulated myself upon having at length 
 fairly commenced a voyage. Satisfied with this idea, I deter- 
 mined to make my mind as easy as possible, and await the 
 course of events until I should be permitted to exchange the 
 box for the more roomy, although hardly more comfortable, ac 
 commodations of the cabin. My first care was to get the watch. 
 Leaving the taper burning, I groped along in the dark, following 
 the cord through windings innumerable, in some of which I 
 discovered that, after toiling a long distance, I was brought back 
 within a foot or two of a former position. At length I reached 
 the nail, and securing the object of my journey, returned with it 
 in safety. I now looked over the books which had been so
 
 A fiORDON PYM. 29 
 
 tljoughtfully provided, and selected the expedition of Lewis and 
 Clarke to the mouth of the Columbia. With this I amused 
 myself for some time, when growing sleepy, I extinguished the 
 light \vith great care, and soon fell into a sound slumber. 
 
 Upon awaking I felt strangely confused in mind, and some 
 lime elapsed before I could bring to recollection all the various 
 circumstances of my situation. By degrees, however, I re- 
 membered all. Striking a light, I looked at the watch ; but it 
 was run down, and there were, consequently, no means of de- 
 termining how long I had slept. My limbs were greatly cramped, 
 and I was forced to relieve them by standing between the crates 
 Presently feeling an almost ravenous appetite, I bethought my- 
 self of the cold mutton, some of which I had eaten just before 
 going to sleep, and found excellent. What was my astonish- 
 ment at discovering it to be in a state of absolute putrefaction ! 
 This circumstance occasioned me great disquietude ; for, con- 
 necting it with the disorder of mind I experienced upon awak- 
 ing, I began to suppose that I must have slept for an inordinately 
 long period of time. The close atmosphere of the hold might 
 have had something to do with this, and might, in the end, be 
 productive of the most serious results. .My head ached exces- 
 sively ; I fancied that I drew every breath with difficulty ; and. 
 in short, I was oppressed with a multitude of gloomy feelings. 
 Still I could not venture to make any disturbance by opening 
 the trap or otherwise, and, having wound up the watch, con- 
 tci-ted myself as well as possible. 
 
 Throughout the whole of the next tedious twenty-four hours 
 no person came to my relief, and I could not help accusing 
 Augustus of the grossest inattention. What alarmed me chiefly 
 was, tint the water in my jug was reduced to about half a pint, 
 and I was suffering nluch from thirst, having eaten freely of 
 the Bologna sausages after the loss of my mutton. I becarmi 
 very uneasy, and could no longer take any interest in my books. 
 J was overpowered, too, with a desire to sleep, yet trembled at 
 the thought of indulging it, lest there might exist some perni- 
 cious influence, like that of burning charcoal,- in the confined air 
 of the hold. In the meantime the roll of the brig told me that 
 iv<> wen; fur in the main ocean, and a dull humming sound.
 
 30 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 which reached my ears as if from an immense distance, oon 
 viriced me no ordinary gale was blowing. I could not imagine 
 a reason for the absence of Augustus. We were surely far 
 enough advanced on our voyage to allow of my going up. 
 Some accident might have happened to him but I could think of 
 none which would account for his suffering me to remain so long 
 a prisoner, except, indeed, his having suddenly died or fallen 
 overboard, and upon this idea I could not dwell with any degree 
 of patience. It was possible that we had been baflled by head 
 winds, and were still in the near vicinity of Nantucket. This 
 notion, however, I was forced to abandon ; for such being the 
 case, the brig must have frequently gone about ; and I was en- 
 tirely satisfied, from her continual inclination to the larboard, 
 that she had been sailing all along with a steady breeze on her 
 starboard quarter. Besides, granting that we were still in the 
 neighborhood of the island, why should not Augustus have vis- 
 ited me and informed me of the circumstance ? Pondering in 
 this manner upon the difficulties of my solitary and cheerless 
 condition, I resolved to wait yet another twenty-four hours, when, 
 if no relief were obtained, I would make my way to the trap, and 
 endeavor either to hold a parley with my friend, or get at least a 
 little fresh air through the opening, and a further supply of water 
 from his stateroom. While occupied with this thought, however, 
 I fell, in spite of every exertion to the contrary, into a state of 
 profound sleep, or rather stupor. My dreams were of the most 
 terrific description. Every species of calamity and horror befell 
 me. Among other miseries, I was smothered to death between 
 huge pillows, by demons of the most ghastly and ferocious 
 aspect. Immense serpents held me in their embrace, and looked 
 earnestly in my face with their fearfully shining eyes. Then, 
 deserts, limitless, and of the most forlorn sfnd awe-inspiring char- 
 acter. spread themselves out before me. Immensely tall trunks 
 of trees, gray and leafless, rose up in endless succession as far as 
 the eye could reach. Their roots were concealed in wide- 
 spreading morasses, whose dreary water lay intensely black, still, 
 and altogether terrible, beneath. And the strange trees seemed 
 endowed with a human vitality, and waving to and fro their skel- 
 eton arms, were crying to the silent waters for mercy, in the
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 31 
 
 shrill and piercing accents of the most acute agony and desp:iir 
 The scene changed ; and I stood, naked and alone, amid the 
 Durning sand-plains of Zahara. At my feet lay crouched a fierce 
 lion of the tropics. Suddenly his wild eyes opened and fell 
 upon me. With a convulsive bound he sprang to his feet, ami 
 laid bare his horrible teeth. In another instant there burst from 
 his red throat a roar like the thunder of the firmament, and I 
 fell impetuously to the earth. Stifling in a paroxysm of terror, 
 I at last found myself partially awake. My dream, then, was 
 not all a dream. Now, at least, I was in possession of my senses. 
 The paws of some huge and real monster were pressing heavily 
 upon my bosom his hot breath was in my ear and his white 
 and ghast^ fangs were gleaming upon me through the gloom. 
 
 Had a thousand lives hung upon the movement of a limb or 
 the utterance of a syllable, I could have neither stirred nor 
 spoken. The beast, whatever it was, retained his position with- 
 out attempting any immediate violence, while I lay in an utterly 
 helpless, and, I fancied, a dying condition beneath him. I felt that 
 my powers of body and mind were fast leaving me in a word, that 
 I was perishing, and perishing of sheer fright. My brain swam 
 I grew deadly sick my vision failed even the glaring eyeballs 
 above me grew dim. Making a last strong effort, I at length 
 breathed a faint ejaculation to God, and resigned myself to die. 
 The sound of my voice seemed to arouse all the latent fury of 
 the animal. He precipitated himself at full length upon my 
 body ; but what was my astonishment, when, with a long and 
 low whine, he commenced licking my face and hands with the 
 greatest eagerness, and with the most extravagant demonstra- 
 tions of affection and joy ! I was bewildered, utterly lost in 
 amazement but I could not forget the peculiar whine of my 
 Newfoundland dog Tiger, and the odd manner of his caresses I 
 well knew. It was he. 1 experienced a sudden rush of blood 
 to my temples a giddy and overpowering sense of deliverance 
 and reanimation. I rose hurriedly from the mattress upon which 
 I had been lying, and, throwing myself upon the neck of my 
 faithful follower and friend, relieved the long oppression of my 
 bosom in a flood of the most passionate tears. 
 
 As upon a former occasion nv conceptions were in a state
 
 32 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 of the greatest indistinctness and confusion after leaving ihfl 
 mattress. For a long time I found it nearly impossible tu con- 
 nect any ideas ; but, by very slow degrees, my thinking faculties 
 returned, and I again called to memory the several incidents of 
 my condition. For the presence of Tiger I tried in vain to ac 
 count; and after busying myself with a thousand different con- 
 jectures respecting him, was forced to content myself with re- 
 joicing that he was with me to share my dreary solitude, and 
 render me comfort by his caresses. Most people love their 
 dogs, but for Tiger I had an affection far more ardent than com- 
 mon ; and never, certainly, did any creature more truly deserve 
 it. For seven years he had been my inseparable companion, 
 and in a multitude of instances had given evidence of all the 
 noble qualities for which we value the animal. I had rescued 
 him, when a puppy, from the clutches of a malignant little vil- 
 lain in Nantucket, who was leading him, with a rope around his 
 neck, to the water; and the grown dog repaid the obligation, 
 about three years afterward, by saving me from the bludgeon of 
 a street robber. 
 
 Getting now hold of the watch, I found, upon applying it to 
 my ear, that it had again run down ; but at this I was not at all 
 surprised, being convinced, from the peculiar state of my feel- 
 ings, that I had slept, as before, for a very long period of time ; 
 how long, it was of course impossible to say. I was burning up 
 with fever, and my thirst was almost intolerable. I felt about 
 the box for my little remaining supply of water, for I had no 
 light, the taper having burnt to the socket of the lantern, and 
 the phosphorus-box not coming readily to hand. Upon finding 
 the jug, however, I discovered it to be empty Tiger, no doubt, 
 having been tempted to drink it, as well as to devour the rem- 
 nant of mutton, the bone of which lay, well picked, by the open- 
 ing of the box. The spoiled meat I could well spare, but my 
 heart sank as I thought of the water. I was feeble in the ex- 
 treme, so much so that I shook all over, as with an ague, at the 
 slightest movement or exertion. To add to my troubles, the brig 
 was pitching and rolling with great violence, and the oil-casks 
 which lay upon my box were in momentary danger of falling 
 down, so as to block up the only way of ingress u 1 egress. I
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 33 
 
 felt, also, terrible sufferings from sea-sickness. These considera- 
 tions determined me to make my way, at all hazards, to the 
 trap, and obtain immediate relief, before I should bo incapaci- 
 tated from doing so altogether Having come to this resolve, I 
 again felt about for the phosphorus-box and tapers. The former 
 I found after some little trouble ; but, not discovering the tapers 
 as soon as I had expected (for I remembered very nearly the 
 spot in which I had placed them), I gave up the search for the 
 present, and bidding Tiger lie quiet, began at once my journey 
 towards the trap. 
 
 In this attempt my great feebleness became more than ever 
 apparent. It was with the utmost difficulty I could crawl along 
 at all, and very frequently my limbs sank suddenly from be- 
 neath me ; when, falling prostrate on my face, I would remain 
 for some minutes in a state bordering on insensibility. Still I 
 struggled forward by slow degrees, dreading every moment that 
 I should swoon amid the narrow and intricate windings of the 
 lumber, in which event I had nothing but death to expect as the 
 result. At length, upon making a push forward with all the 
 energy I could command. I struck my forehead violently against 
 the sharp corner of an iron-bound crate. The accident only 
 stunned me for a few moments ; but I found, to my inexpressible 
 grief, that the quick and violent roll of the vessel had thrown 
 the crate entirely across my path, so as effectually to block up 
 the passage. With my utmost exertions I could not move it a 
 single inch from its position, it being closely wedged in among 
 the surrounding boxes and ship-furniture. It became necessary, 
 therefore, enfeebled as I was, either to leave the guidance of the 
 whipcord and seek out a new passage, or to climb over the 
 obstacle, and resume the path on the other side. The former 
 alternative presented too many difficulties and dangers to be 
 thought of withput a shudder. In my present weak state of both 
 mind and body, I should infallibly lose my way if I attempted 
 it. and perish miserably amid the dismal and disgusting laby- 
 rinths of the hold. I proceeded, therefore, without hesitation, 
 to summon up all my remaining strength and fortitude, and en- 
 deavor, as I best might, to clamber over the crate. 
 
 Upon standing erect, with this end in view, I found the un-
 
 34 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 dertaking even a more serious task than my fears had led me 
 to imagine. On each side of the narrow passage arose a com- 
 plete wall of various heavy lumber, which the least blunder on 
 my part might be the means of bringing down upon my head ; 
 ur, if this accident did not occur, the path might be effectually 
 blocked up against my return by the descending mass, as it was 
 in front by the obstacle there.- The crate itself was a long and 
 unwieldy box, upon which no foothold could be obtained. In 
 vain I attempted, by every means in my power, to reach the 
 top, with the hope of being thus enabled to draw myself up. 
 Had I succeeded in reaching it, it is certain that my strength 
 Avould have proved utterly inadequate to the task of getting 
 over, and it was better in every respect that I failed. At length, 
 in a desperate effort to force the crate from its ground, I felt a 
 strong vibration in the side next me. I thrust my hand eagerly 
 to the edge of the planks, and found that a very large one was 
 loose. With my pocket-knife which, luckily, I had with me, I 
 succeeded, after great labor, in prying it entirely off; and, get- 
 ting through the aperture, discovered, to my exceeding joy, that 
 there were no boards on the opposite side in other words, that 
 the top was wanting, it being the bottom through which I had 
 forced my way. I now met with no important difficulty in pro- 
 ceeding along the line until I finally reached the nail. With a 
 beating heart I stood erect, and with a gentle touch pressed 
 against the cover of the trap. It did not rise as soon as I had 
 expected, and I pressed it with somewhat more determination, 
 Btill dreading lest some other person than Augustus might be 
 in his state-room. The door, however, to my astonishment, re- 
 mained steady, and I became somewhat uneasy, for I knew that 
 it had formerly required little or no effort to remove it. I push- 
 ed it strongly it was nevertheless firm : with all my strength 
 it still did not give way : with rage, with fury, .with despair it 
 set at defiance my utmost efforts ; and it was evident, from the 
 unyielding nature of the resistance, that the hole had either 
 been discovered and effectually nailed up, or that some immense 
 weight had been placed upon it, which it was useless to think of 
 removing. 
 
 My sensations were those of extreme horror and dismay, In
 
 A. GORDON PVM. 35 
 
 rain I attempted to reason on the probable cause of my being 
 thus entombed. I could summon up no connected chain of re- 
 flection, and, sinking on the floor, gave way, unresistingly, to the 
 most gloomy imaginings, in which the dreadful deaths of thirst, 
 famine, suffocation, and premature interment, crowded upon me 
 as the prominent disasters to be encountered. At length there 
 returned to me some portion of presence of mind. I arose, and 
 felt with my fingers for the seams or cracks of the aperture. 
 Having found them, I examined them closely to ascertain if 
 they emitted any light from the state-room ; but none was visi- 
 ble. I then forced the pen-blade of my knife through them, until 
 I met with some hard obstacle. Scraping against it, I discovered 
 it to be a solid mass of iron, which, from its peculiar wavy feel 
 as I passed the blade along it, I concluded to be a chain-cable. 
 The only course now left me was to retrace my way to the box, 
 and there either yield to my sad fate, or try so to tranquilize 
 my mind as to admit of my arranging some plan of escape. 1 
 immediately set about the attempt, and succeeded, after innu- 
 merable difficulties, in getting back. As I sank, utterly ex- 
 hausted, upon the mattress, Tiger threw himself at full length 
 by my side, and seemed as if desirous, by his caresses, of con- 
 soling me in my troubles, and urging me to bear them with for- 
 titude. 
 
 The singularity of his behavior at length forcibly arrested 
 my attention. After licking my face and hands for some mi- 
 nutes, he would suddenly cease doing so, and utter a low whine. 
 Upon reaching out my hand towards him, I then invarably found 
 him lying on his back, with his paws uplifted. This conduct, so 
 frequently repeated, appeared strange, and I could in no manner 
 account for it. As the dog seemed distressed, I concluded that 
 he had received some injury ; and, taking his paws in my hands, 
 I examined them one by one, but found no sign of any hurt. I 
 then supposed him hungry, and gave him a large piece of ham, 
 which he devoured with avidity afterward, however, resuming 
 his extraordinary manoeuvres. I now imagined that he was 
 suffering, like myself, the torments of thirst, and was about 
 adopting this conclusion as the true one, when the idea occurred 
 to me that I had as yet only exi> <v >ined his paws, and that then-
 
 36 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 might possibly be a wound upon some portion of hib body or head. 
 The latter I felt carefully over, but found nothing. On passing 
 my hand, however, along his back, I perceived a slight erection 
 of the hair extending completely across it. Probing this with 
 .u y finger, I discovered a string, and tracing it up, found that it 
 encircled the whole body. Upon a closer scrutiny, I came 
 across a small slip of what had the feeling of letter paper, 
 through which the string had been fastened in such a manner as 
 to bring it immediately beneath the left shoulder of the animal. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE thought instantly occurred to me that the paper was a 
 note from Augustus, and that some unaccountable accident having 
 happened to prevent his relieving me from my dungeon, he had 
 devised this method of acquainting me with the true state of 
 affairs. Trembling with eagerness, I now commenced another 
 search for my phosphorus matches and tapers. I had a confused 
 recollection of having put them carefully away just before falling 
 asleep ; and, indeed, previously to my last journey to the trap, I 
 had been able to remember the exact spot where I had deposited 
 them. But now I endeavored in vain to call it to inind, and 
 busied myself for a full hour in a fruitless and vexatious search 
 for the missing articles ; never, surely, was there a more tanta- 
 lizing state of anxiety and suspense. At length, while groping 
 about, with my head close to the ballast, near the opening of the 
 box, and outside of it, I perceived a faint glimmering of light in 
 the direction of the steerage. Greatly surprised, I endeavored 
 to make my way towards it, as it appeared to be but a few feet 
 from my position. Scarcely had I moved with this intention, 
 when I lost sight of the glimmer entirely, and, before I could 
 bring it into view again, was obliged to feel along by the box 
 until I had exactly resumed my original situation. Now, 
 moving my head with caution to and fro, I found that, by pro- 
 ceeding slowly, with great care, in an opposite direction to that 
 in which I had at first started, I was enabled to draw near tho
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 37 
 
 light, still keeping it in view. Presently I came dhectly upon 
 it (huving squeezed my way through innumerable narrow wind- 
 ings), and found that it proceeded from some fragments of my 
 matches lying in an empty barrel turned upon its side. I was 
 wondering how they came in such a place, when my hand fell 
 upon two or three pieces of taperwax, which had been evidently 
 mumbled by the dog. - 1 concluded at once that he had devoured 
 T he whole of my supply of candles, and I felt hopeless of being 
 ever able to read the note of Augustus. The small remnants of 
 the wax were so mashed up among other rubbish in the barrel, 
 that I despaired of deriving any service from them, and left them 
 as they were. The phosphorus, of which there was only a speck 
 or two, I gathered up as well as I could, and returned with it, 
 after much difficulty, to my box, where Tiger had all the while 
 remained. 
 
 What to do next I could not tell. The hold was so intensely 
 dark that I could not see my hand, however close I would hold 
 it to my face. The white slip of paper could barely be discerned, 
 and not even that when I looked at it directly ; by turning the 
 exterior portions of the retina towards it, that is to say, by sur- 
 veying it slightly askance, I found that it became in some 
 measure perceptible. Thus the gloom of my prison may be ima- 
 gined, and the note of my friend, if indeed it were a note from 
 him, seemed only likely to throw me into further trouble, by 
 disquieting to no purpose my already enfeebled and agitated 
 mind. In vain I revolved in my brain a multitude of absurd 
 expedients for procuring light such expedients precisely as 
 a man in the perturbed sleep occasioned by opium would be 
 apt to fall upon for a similar purpose each and all of which 
 appear by turns to the dreamer the most reasonable and the 
 most preposterous of conceptions, just as the reasoning or 
 imaginative faculties flicker, alternately, one above the other. 
 At last an idea occurred to me which seemed rational, and which 
 gave me cause to wonder, very justly, that I had not entertained 
 it before. I placed the slip of paper on the back of a book, and, 
 collecting the fragments of* the phosphorus matches which I had 
 brought from the barrel, laid them together upon the paper. 1 
 then, with the palm of my hand, rubbed the whole over quickly ;
 
 38 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 yet steadily. A clear light diffused itself immediately throughout 
 the whole surface ; and had there been any writing upon it. I 
 should not have experienced the least difficulty, I am sure, in 
 reading it. Not a syllable was there, however nothing but a 
 dreary and unsatisfactory blank ; the illumination died away in 
 a few seconds, and my heart died away within me as it went. 
 
 I have before stated more than once that my intellect, for some 
 period prior to this, had been in a condition nearly bordering on 
 idiocy. There were, to be sure, momentary intervals of perfect 
 sanity, and, now and then, even of energy ; but these were few. 
 It must be remembered that I had been, for many days certain- 
 ly, inhaling the almost pestilential atmosphere of a close hole in 
 a whaling vessel, and a long portion of that time but scantily 
 supplied with water. For the last fourteen or fifteen hours I had 
 none nor had I slept during that time. Salt provisions of the 
 most exciting kind had been my chief, and, indeed, since the loss 
 of the mutton, my only supply of food, wi:h the exception of the 
 sea-biscuit ; and these latter were utterly useless to me, as they 
 were too dry and hard to be swallowed in the swollen and parched 
 condition of my throat. I was now in a high state of fever, and 
 in every respect exceedingly ill. This will account for the fact 
 that many miserable hours of despondency elapsed after my last 
 adventure with the phosphorus, before the thought suggested it- 
 self that I had examined only one side of the paper. I shall 
 not attempt to describe my feelings of rage (for I believe I was 
 more angry than anything else) when the egregious oversight I 
 had committed flashed suddenly upon my perception. The 
 blunder itself would have been unimportant, had not my own 
 folly and impetuosity rendered it otherwise in my disappoint- 
 ment at not finding some words upon the slip, I had childishly 
 torn it in pieces and thrown it away, it was impossible to say where. 
 From the worst part of this dilemma I was relieved by the 
 sagacity of Tiger. Having got, after a long search, a small 
 piece oi the note, I put it to the dog's nose, and endeavored to 
 make him understand that he must bring me the rest of it. To 
 my astonishment, (for I had taught him none of the usual tricks 
 for which his breed are famous), he seemed to enter at once into 
 my meaning, and, rummaging about for a few moments, soon
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 39 
 
 found another considerable portion. Bringing me this, he paused 
 a while, and, rubbing his nose against my hand, appeared to be 
 waiting for my approval of what he had done. I patted him on 
 the head, when he immediately made off again. It was now 
 some minutes before he came back but when he did come, he 
 brought with him a large slip, which proved to be all the paper 
 missing it having been torn, it seems, only into three pieces. 
 Luckily, I had no trouble in finding what few fragments of the 
 phosphorus were left being guided by the indistinct glow one 
 or two of the particles still emitted. My difficulties had taught 
 me the necessity of caution, and I now took time to reflect upon 
 what I was about to do. It was very probable, I considered, 
 that some words were written upon that side of the paper which 
 had not been examined but which side was that ? Fitting the 
 pieces together gave me no clue in this respect, although it 
 assured me that the words (if there were any) would be found 
 all on one side, and connected in a proper manner, as written. 
 There was the greater necessity of ascertaining the point in 
 question beyond a doubt, as the phosphorus remaining would be 
 altogether insufficient for a third Attempt, should I fail in the 
 one I was now about to make. I placed the paper on a book as 
 before, and sat for some minutes thoughtfully revolving the mat- 
 ter over in my mind. At last I thought it barely possible that 
 the written side might have some unevenness on its surface, 
 which a delicate sense of feeling might enable me to detect. I 
 determined to make the experiment, and passed my finger very 
 carefully over the side which first presented itself nothing, how- 
 ever, was perceptible, and I turned the paper, adjusting it on 
 the book. I now again carried my forefinger cautiously along, 
 when I was aware of an exceedingly slight, but still discernible 
 glow, which followed as it proceeded. This, I knew, must arise 
 from some very minute remaining particles of the phosphorus 
 with which I had covered the paper in my previous attempt. 
 The other, or under side, then, was that on which lay the writing, 
 if writing there should finally prove to be. Again I turned the 
 note, and went to work as I had previously done. Having 
 rubbed in the phosphorus, a brilliancy ensued as before but 
 this time several lines of MS. in a large hand, and apparently
 
 40 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 in red ink, became distinctly visible. Tht g immer, although 
 sufficiently bright, was but momentary. Still, had I not been 
 too greatly excited, there would have betn ample time enough 
 for me to peruse the whole three sentences before me- for I 
 saw there were three. In my anxiety, however, to read all at 
 once, I succeeded only in reading the seven concluding words, 
 which thus appeared "blood your life depends upon lying 
 dose" 
 
 Had I been able to ascertain the entire contents of the note 
 the full meaning of the admonition which my friend had thus 
 attempted to convey, that admonition, even although it should 
 have revealed a story of disaster the most unspeakable, could 
 not, I am firmly convinced, have imbued my mind with one tithe 
 of the harrowing and yet indefinable horror with which I was 
 inspired by the fragmentary warning thus received. And " blood," 
 too, that word of all words so rife at all times with mystery, 
 and suffering, and terror how trebly full of import did it now 
 appear how chillily and heavily (disjointed, as it thus was, from 
 any foregoing words to qualify or render it distinct) did its vague 
 syllables fall, amid the deep gloom of my prison, into the inner- 
 most recesses of my soul ! 
 
 Augustus had, undoubtedly, good reasons for wishing me to 
 remain concealed, and I formed a thousand surmises as to what 
 they could be but I could think of nothing affording a satis- 
 factory solution of the mystery. Just after returning from my 
 last journey to the trap, and before my attention had been other- 
 wise directed by the singular conduct of Tiger, I had come to 
 the resolution of making myself heard at all events by those on 
 board, or, if I could not succeed in this directly, of trying to cut 
 my way through the orlop deck. The half certainty which I 
 felt of being able to accomplish one of these two purposes in the 
 last emergency, had given me courage (which I should not other- 
 wise have had) to endure the evils of my situation. The few 
 words I had been able to read, however, had cut me off from 
 these final resources, and I now, for the first time, felt all the 
 misery of my fate. In a paroxysm of despair I threw myself 
 again upon the mattress, where, for about the period of a day
 
 A GORDON PYM 41 
 
 and night, I lay in a kind of stupor, relieved only by momentary 
 intervals of reason and recollection. 
 
 At length I once more arose, and busied myself in reflection 
 upon the horrors which encompassed me. For another twenty- 
 four hours it was barely possible that I might exist without 
 water for a longer time I could not do so. During the first 
 portion of my imprisonment I had made free use of the cordials 
 with which Augustus had supplied me, but they only served to 
 excite fever, without in the least degree assuaging my thirst. I 
 had now only about a gill left, and this was of a species of 
 strong peach liqueur at which my stomach revolted. The sau- 
 sages were entirely consumed ; of the ham nothing remained 
 but a small piece of the skin ; and all the biscuit, except a few 
 fragments of one, had been eaten by Tiger. To add to my 
 troubles, I found that my headache was increasing momentarily, 
 and with it the species of delirium which had distressed me more 
 or less since my first falling asleep. For some hours past it had 
 been with the greatest difficulty I could breathe at all, and now 
 each attempt at so doing was attended with the most distressing 
 spasmodic action of the chest. But there was still another and 
 very different source of disquietude, and one, indeed, whose 
 harassing terrors had been the chief means of arousing me to 
 exertion from my stupor on the mattress. It arose from the de- 
 meanor of the dog. 
 
 I first observed an alteration in his conduct while rubbing m 
 the phosphorus on the paper in my last attempt. As I rubbed, 
 he ran his nose against my hand with a slight snarl ; but I was 
 too greatly excited at the time to pay much attention to the cir- 
 cumstance. Soon afterward, it will be remembered, I threw 
 myself on the mattress, and fell into a species of lethargy. Pre- 
 sently 1 became aAvare of a singular hissing sound close at my 
 ears, and discovered it to proceed from Tiger, who was panting 
 and wheezing in a state of the greatest apparent excitement, his 
 eyeballs flashing fiercely through the gloom. I spoke to him, 
 when he replied with a low growl, and then remained quiet. 
 Presently I relapsed into my stupor, from which I was again 
 awakened in a similar manner. This was repeated three or four 
 times, until finally his behavior inquired me with so great a de-
 
 42 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 gree of f3h.r, that I became fully aroused. He was now lying 
 close by the door of the box, snarling fearfully, although in a 
 kind of under-tone, and grinding his teeth as if strongly con- 
 vulsed. I had no doubt whatever that the want of water or the 
 confined atmosphere of the hold had driven him mad, and I was 
 at a loss what course to pursue. I could not endure the thought 
 of killing him, yet it seemed absolutely necessary for my own 
 safety. I could distinctly perceive his eyes fastened upon me 
 with an expression of the most deadly animosity, and I expected 
 every instant that he would attack me. At last 1 could endure 
 my terrible situation no longer, and determined to make my way 
 from the box at all hazards, and dispatch him, if his opposition 
 should render it necessary for me to do so. To get out, I had to 
 pass directly over his body, and he already seemed to anticipate 
 my design raising himself upon his fore-legs (as I perceived 
 by the altered position of his eyes), and displayed the whole of 
 his white fangs, which were easily discernible. I took the re- 
 mains of the ham-skin, and the bottle containing the liqueur, and 
 secured them about my person, together with a large carving 
 knife which Augustus had left me then, folding my cloak as 
 closely around me as possible, I made a movement towards the 
 mouth of the box. No sooner did I do this, than the dog sprang 
 with a lond growl towards my throat. The whole weight of his 
 body struck me on the right shoulder, and I fell violently to the 
 left, while the enraged animal passed entirely over me. I had 
 fallen upon my knees, with my head buried among the blankets, 
 and these protected, me from a second furious assault, during 
 which I felt the sharp teeth pressing vigorously upon the woollen 
 which enveloped my neck yet, luckily, without being able to 
 penetrate all the folds. I was now beneath the dog, and a few 
 moments would place me completely in his power. Despair 
 gave me strength, and I rose boldly up, shaking him from me 
 by main force, and dragging with me the blankets from the mat- 
 tress. These I now threw over him, and before he could extri- 
 cate himself, I had got through the door and closed it effectually 
 against his pursuit. In this struggle, however, I had been forced 
 to drop the morsel of ham-skin, and I now found my whole stock 
 of provisions -educed to a single gill of liqueur, As this rcfl.ec-
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 43 
 
 lion crossed my mind, 1 felt myseF actuated by one of those fits 
 of perverseuess which might be supposed to influence a spoiled 
 child in similar circumstances, and, raising the bottle to my lips, 
 I drained it to the last drop, and dashed it furiously upon the 
 floor. 
 
 Scarcely had the echo of the crash died away, when I heard 
 my name pronounced in an eager but subdued voice, issuing 
 from the direction of the steerage. So unexpected was any- 
 thing of the kind, and so intense was the emotion excited within 
 me by the sound, that I endeavored in vain to repl.y. My pow- 
 ers of speech totally failed, and, in an agony of terror lest my 
 friend should conclude me dead, and return without attempting 
 to reach me, I stood up between the crates near the door of the 
 box, trembling convulsively, and gasping and struggling for 
 utterance. Had a thousand worlds depended upon a syllable, I 
 could not have spoken it. There was a slight movement now 
 audible among the lumber somewhere forward of my station. 
 The sound presently grew less distinct, then again less so, and 
 still less. Shall I ever forget my feelings at this moment? He 
 was going my friend, my companion, from whom I had a right 
 to expect so much he was going he would abandon me he 
 was gone ! He would leave me to perish miserably, to expire 
 in the most horrible and loathsome of dungeons and one word, 
 one little syllable, would save me yet that single syllable I 
 could not utter ! I felt, I am sure, more than ten thousand times 
 the agonies of death itself. My brain reeled, and I fell, deadly 
 sick, against the end of the box. 
 
 As I fell, the carving-knife was shaken out from the waist 
 band of my pantaloons, and dropped with a rattling sound to the 
 floor. Never did any strain of the richest melody come so 
 sweetly to my ears ! With the intensest anxiety I listened to 
 ascertain the effect of the noise upon Augustus for I knew that 
 the person who called my name could be no one but himself. 
 All was silent for some moments. At length I again heard the 
 word Arthur ! repeated in a low tone, and one full of hesitation. 
 Reviving hope loosened at once my powers of speech, and I now 
 screamed, at the top of my voice, <! Augustus! ih^ Augustus!" 
 " Hush '. for God's sake be silent !" he replied, in a voice trerab-
 
 44 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 ling with agitation ; " I will be with you immediately as soon 
 as I can make my way through the hold." For a long time I 
 heard him moving among the lumber, and every moment seemed 
 to me an age. At length I felt his hand upon my shoulder, and 
 he placed, at the same moment, a bottle of water to my lips. 
 Those only who have been suddenly redeemed from the jaws of 
 the tomb, or who have known the insufferable torments of thirst 
 under circumstances as aggravated as those which encompassed 
 me in my dreary prison, can form any idea of the unutterable 
 transports which that one long draught of the richest of all phy- 
 sical luxuries afforded. 
 
 When I had in some degree satisfied my thirst, Augustus pro- 
 duced from his pocket three or four cold boiled potatoes, which I 
 devoured with the greatest avidity. He had brought with him 
 a light in a dark lantern, and the grateful rays afforded me 
 scarcely less comfort than the food and drink. But I was impa- 
 tient to learn the cause of his protracted absence, and he pro- 
 ceeded to recount what had happened on board during my incar- 
 ceration. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE brig put to sea, as I had supposed, in about an hou* 
 after he had left the watch. This was on the twentieth of June. 
 It will be remembered that I had then been in the hold for three 
 days ; and, during this period, there was so constant a bustle on 
 board, and so much running to and fro, especially in the cabin 
 and state-rooms, that he had had no chance of visiting me without 
 the risk of having the secret of the trap discovered. When at 
 length he did come, I had assured him that I was doing as well 
 as possible ; and, therefore, for the two next days he felt but 
 little uneasiness on my account still, however, watching an op- 
 portunity of going down. It was not until the fourth day that 
 he found one. Several times during this interval he had madii 
 ap his mind to let his fal.her know of the adventure and have me
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 45 
 
 come up at (nee ; but we were still within reaching distance of 
 Nant ticket, and it was doubtful, f:om some expression? which had 
 escaped Captain Barnard, whether he would not immediately put 
 back if he discovered me to be on board. Besides, upon thinking 
 the matter over, Augustus, so he told me, could not imagine that 
 I was in immediate want, or that I would hesitate, in such case, 
 to make myself heard at the trap. When, therefore, he consi- 
 dered everything, he concluded to let me stay until he could 
 meet with an opportunity of visiting me unobserved. This, as I 
 said before, did not occur uutil the fourth day after his bringing 
 me the watch, and the seventh since I had first entered the hold. 
 He then went down without taking with him any water or provi- 
 sions, intending in the first place merely to call my attention, and 
 get me to come from the box to the trap when he would go up 
 to the state-room and thence hand me down a supply. When he 
 descended for this purpose he found that I was asleep, for it seems 
 that I was snoring very loudly. From all the calculations I can 
 make on the subject, this must have been the slumber into which 
 I fell just after my return from the trap with the watch, and 
 which, consequently, must have lasted for more than three entire 
 days and nights at the very least. Latterly, I have had reason, 
 both from my own experience and the assurance of others, to be 
 acquainted with the strong soporific effects of the stench arising 
 from old fish-oil when closely confined ; and when I think of the 
 condition of the hold in which I was imprisoned, and the long 
 period during which the brig had been used as a whaling vessel, 
 I am more inclined to wonder that I awoke at all, after once 
 fulling asleep, than that I should have slept uninterruptedly foi 
 the period specified above. 
 
 Augustus called to me at first in a low voice and without 
 closing the trap but I made him no reply. He then shut the 
 trap, and spoke to me in a louder, and finally in a very loud tone 
 still I continued to snore. He was now at a loss what to do 
 It would take him some time tc make his way through the lumber 
 to my box, and in the mean while his absence would be noticed 
 by Captain Barnard, who had occasion for his services every 
 minute, in arranging and copying papers connected with the bu- 
 siness of the voyage Pie determined, therefore, upon reflection
 
 46 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 to ascend, and await another opportunity of visiting me. He 
 was the more easily induced to this resolve, as my slumber ap- 
 peared to be of the most tranquil nature, and he could not sup- 
 pose that I had undergone any incovenience from my incar- 
 ceration. He had just made up his mind on these points when 
 his attention was arrested by an unusual bustle, the sound of 
 which proceeded apparently from the cabin. He sprang through 
 the trap as quickly as possible, closed it, and threw open the 
 door of his stateroom. No sooner had he put his foot over the 
 threshold than a pistol flashed in his face, and he was knocked 
 down, at the same moment, by a blow from a handspike. 
 
 A strong hand held him on the cabin floor, with a tight grasp 
 upon his throat ; still he was able to see what was going on 
 around him. His father was tied hand and foot, and lying along 
 the steps of the companion-way, with his head down, and a deep 
 wound in the forehead, from which the blood was flowing in a 
 continued stream. He spoke not a word, and was apparently 
 dying. Over him stood the first mate, eying him with an ex- 
 pression of fiendish derision, and deliberately searching his pock- 
 ets, from which he presently drew forth a large wallet and a 
 chronometer. Seven of the crew (among whom was the cook, 
 a negro) were rummaging the state-rooms on the lai'board for 
 arms, where they soon equipped themselves with muskets and 
 ammunition. Besides Augustus and Captain Barnard, there 
 were nine men altogether in the cabin, and these among the 
 most ruffianly of the brig's company. The villains now went 
 upon deck, taking my friend with them, after having secured his 
 arms behind his back. They proceeded straight to the forecas- 
 tle, which was fastened down two of the mutineers standing by 
 it with axes two also at the main hatch. The mate called out 
 in a loud voice " Do you hear there below ? tumble up with 
 you, one by one now, mark that and no grumbling !" It was 
 i,ome minutes before any one appeared; at last an Englishman, 
 who had shipped as a raw hand, came up, weeping piteously, 
 and entreating the mate, in the most humble manner, to spare 
 his life. The only reply was a blow on the forehead from an 
 axe. The poor fellow fell to the deck, without a groan, and tho 
 black cook lifted him up in his arms as he would a child, and
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 47 
 
 (ossed him deliberately into the sea. Hearing the blow and the 
 plunge of the bod}', the men below could now be induced to 
 venture on deck neither by threats nor promises, until a propo- 
 sition was made to smoke them out. A general rush then en- 
 sued, and for a moment it seemed possible that the brig might 
 be retaken. The mutineers, however, succeeded at last in closing 
 the forecastle effectually before more than six of their opponents 
 could get up. These six, finding themselves so greatly outnum- 
 bered and without arms, submitted after a brief struggle. The 
 mate gave them fair words no doubt with a view of inducing 
 those below to yield, for they had no difficulty in hearing all that 
 was said on deck. The result proved his sagacity, no less than 
 his diabolical villany. All in the forecastle presently signified 
 their intention of submitting, and, ascending one by one, were 
 pinioned and thrown on their backs, together with the first six 
 there being, in all of the crew who were not concerned in the 
 mutiny, twenty-seven. 
 
 A scene of the most horrible butchery ensued. The bound 
 seamen were dragged to the gangway. Here the cook stood 
 with an axe, striking each victim on the head as he was forced 
 over the side of the vessel by the other mutineers. In this man- 
 ner twenty-two perished, and Augustus had given himself up for 
 lost, expecting every moment his own turn to come next. But 
 it seemed that the villains were now either weary, or in some 
 measure disgusted with their bloody labor ; for the four remain 
 ing prisoners, together with my friend who had been thrown ou 
 the deck with the rest, were respited while the mate sent below 
 for rum, and the whole murderous party held a drunken carouse, 
 which lasted until sunset. They now fell to disputing in regard 
 to the fate of the survivors, who lay not more than four paces 
 off, and could distinguish every word said. Upon some of the 
 mutineers the liquor appeared to have a softening effect, for 
 several voices were heard in favor of releasing the captives 
 altogether, on condition of joining the mutiny and sharing the 
 profits. The black cook, however, (who in all respects was a 
 perfect demon, and who seemed to exert as much influence, if 
 uot more, than the mate himself,) would listen to no proposition 
 of the kind, and rose repeatedly for the purpose of resuming his
 
 48 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 at (he gangway. Fortunately he was so far overcome by 
 intoxication as to be easily restrained by the less blood-thirsty 
 cf the party, among whom was a line-manager, who went by the 
 name of Dirk Peters. This man was the son of an Indian 
 woman of the tribe of Upsarokas, who live among the fastnesses 
 of the Black Hills, near the source of the Missouri. His father 
 was a fur-trader, I believe, or at least connected in some manner 
 with the Indian trading-posts on Lewis river. Peters himself 
 was one of the most ferocious-looking men I ever beheld. lie 
 was short in stature, not more than four feet eight inches high, 
 but his limbs were of Herculean mould. His hands, especially, 
 were so enormously thick and broad as hardly to retain a human 
 shape. His arms, as well as legs, were bowed in the most sin- 
 gular manner, and appeared to possess no flexibility whatever. 
 His head was equally deformed, being of immense size, with an 
 indentation on the crown (like that on the head of most negroes), 
 and entirely bald. To conceal this latter deficiency, which did 
 riot proceed from old age, he usually wore a wig formed of any 
 hair-like material which presented itself occasionally the skin 
 of a Spanish dog or American grizzly bear. At the time spoken 
 of, he had on a portion of one of these bear-skins ; and it added 
 no little to the natural ferocity of his countenance, which betook 
 of the Upsaroka character. The mouth extended nearly from 
 ear to ear ; the lips were thin, and seemed, like some other por- 
 tions of his frame, to be devoid of natural pliancy, so that the 
 ruling expression never varied under the influence of any emo- 
 tion whatever. This ruling expression may be conceived when 
 it is considered that the teeth were exceedingly long and pro- 
 truding, and never even partially covered, in any instance, by 
 the lips. To pass this man with a casual glance, one might 
 imagine him to be convulsed with laughter ; but a second look 
 would induce a shuddering acknowledgment, that if such an ex- 
 pression were indicative of merriment, the merriment must be 
 that of a demon. Of this singular being many anecdotes were 
 prevalent among the seafaring men of Nantuckct. These anec- 
 dotes went to prove his prodigious strength when under excite- 
 ment, and some of them had given rise to a doubt of his sanity 
 liut ou board the Grampus, it se^ ms, he was regarded, at the
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 49 
 
 Mmc of the mutiny, with feelings more of derision than of any- 
 thing else. I have been thus particular in speaking of Dirk 
 Peters, because, ferocious as he appeared, he proved the main 
 instrument in preserving the life of Augustus, and because I 
 shall have frequent occasion to mention him hereafter in the 
 course of my narrative a narrative, let me here say, which, in 
 its latter portions, will be found to include incidents of a nature 
 so entirely out of the range of human experience, and for this 
 reason so far beyond the limits of human credulity, that I pro- 
 ceed in utter hopelessness of obtaining credence for all that I 
 shall tell, yet confidently trusting in time and progressing science 
 to verify some of the most important and most improbable of my 
 statements. 
 
 After much indecision and two or three violent quarrels, it was 
 determined at last that all the prisoners (with the exception of 
 Augustus, whom Peters insisted in a jocular manner upon keep- 
 ing as his clerk) should be set adrift in one of the smallest 
 whaleboats. The mate went down into the cabin to see if Cap- 
 tain Barnard was still living for, it will be remembered, he was 
 left below when the mutineers came up. Presently the two 
 made their appearance, the captain pale as death, but somewhat 
 recovered from the effects of his wound. He spoke to the men 
 in a voice hardly articulate, entreated them not to set him adrift, 
 but to return to their duty, and promising to land them wherever 
 they chose, and to take no steps for bringing them to justice. 
 He might as well have spoken to the winds. Two of the ruf- 
 fians seized him by the arms and hurled him over the brig's side 
 into the boat, which had been lowered while the mate went below. 
 Tin? four men who were lying on the deck were then untied and 
 ordered to follow, which they did without attempting any re- 
 sistance Augustus being still left in his painful position, although 
 lie struggled and prayed only for the poor satisfaction of being 
 permitted to bid his father farewell. A handful of sea-biscuit 
 and a jug of water were now handed down; but neither mast, 
 sail, oar, nor compass. The boat was towed astern for a few 
 minutes, during which the mutineers held another consultation 
 it wa- then finally cut adrift. By this time night had come on 
 t lu-re were neither moon nor stars visible and a short and ugly
 
 50 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 sea was running, although there .was no great deal of wind 
 The boat was instantly out of sight, and little hope could be 
 entertained for the unfortunate sufferers who were in it. This 
 event happened, however, in latitude 35 30' north, longitude 
 61 20' west, and consequently at no very great distance from 
 the Bermuda Islands. Augustus therefore endeavored to con- 
 sole himself with the idea that the boat might either succeed in 
 reaching the land, or come sufficiently near to be fallen in with 
 by vessels off the coast. 
 
 All sail was now put upon the brig, and she continued her 
 original course to the southwest the mutineers being bent upon 
 some piratical expedition, in which, from all that could be un- 
 derstood, a ship was to be intercepted on her way from the Cape 
 Verd Islands to Porto Rico. No attention was paid to Augustus, 
 who was untied and suffered to go about anywhere forward of 
 the cabin companion-way. Dirk Peters treated him with some 
 degree of kindness, and on one occasion saved him from the 
 brutality of the cook. His situation was still one of the most 
 precarious, as the men were continually intoxicated, and there 
 was no relying upon their continued good-humor or carelessness 
 in regard to himself. His anxiety on my account he represented, 
 however, as the most distressing result of his condition ; and, 
 indeed, I had never reason to doubt the sincerity of his friend- 
 ship. More than once he had resolved to acquaint the mutineers 
 with the secret of my being on board, but was restrained from 
 so doing, partly through recollection of the atrocities he had al- 
 ready beheld, and partly through a hope of being able soon to 
 bring me relief. For the latter purpose he was constantly on the 
 watch ; but, in .spite of the most constant vigilance, three days 
 elapsed after the boat was cut adrift before any chance occurred. 
 At length, on the night of the third day, there came on a heavy 
 blow from the eastward, and all hands were called up to take in 
 sail. During the confusion which ensued, he made his way 
 below unobserved, and into the state-room. What was his grief 
 and horror in discovering that the latter had been rendered a 
 place of deposite for a variety of sea-stores and ship furniture, 
 and that several fathoms of old chain-cable, which had been 
 stowed away beneath the companion-ladder, had been dragged
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 51 
 
 thence to make room for a chest, and were now tying immediatclv 
 upon the trap ! To remove it without discovery was impossible, 
 and he returned on deck as quickly as he could. As he came up> 
 the mate seized him by the throat, and demanding what he had 
 been doing in the cabin, was about flinging him over the larboard 
 bulwark, when his life was again preserved through the interference 
 of Dirk Peters. Augustus was now put in handcuffs (of which 
 there were several pairs on board), and his feet lashed tightly toge- 
 ther. He was then taken into the steerage, and thrown into a 
 lower berth next to the forecastle bulkheads, with the assurance 
 that he should never put his foot on deck again " until the brig was 
 no longer a brig." This was the expression of the cook, who threw 
 him into the berth it is hardly possible to say what precise mean- 
 ing was intended by' the phrase. The whole affair, however, 
 proved the ultimate means of my relief, as will presently appear. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 FOR some minutes after the cook had left the forecastle, 
 Augustus abandoned himself to despair, never hoping to leave 
 the berth alive. He now came to the resolution of acquainting 
 the first of the men who should come down with my situation, 
 thinking it better to let me take my chance with the mutineers 
 than perish of thirst in the hold for it had been ten days since 
 [ was first imprisoned and my jug of water was not a plentiful 
 .supply even for four. As he was thinking on this subject, the 
 idea came all at once into his head that it might be possible to 
 communicate with me by the way of "ihe main hold. In any 
 Other circumstances, the difficulty and hazard of the undertaking 
 would have prevented him from attempting it; but now ho had, 
 at all events, little prospect of life, and consequently little to 
 lose he bent his whole mind, therefore, upon the task. 
 
 His handcuffs were the first consideration. At first he saw no 
 method of removing them, and feared that he should thus bo 
 baffled in the very outset ; but uoon a closer scrutiny, he dis-
 
 52 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 covered that the irons could be slipped off and on at pleasure 
 with very little effort or inconvenience, merely by squeezing his 
 hands through them this species of manacle being altogether 
 ineffectual in confining young persons, in whom the smaller bones 
 readily yield to pressure. He now untied his feet ; and. leaving 
 the cord in such a manner that it could easily be readjusted in 
 the event of any person's coming down, proceeded to examine 
 the bulkhead where it joined the berth. The partition here was 
 of soft pine board, an inch thick, and he saw that he should have 
 little trouble in cutting his way through. A voice was now heard 
 at the forecastle companion-way, and he had just time to put his 
 right hand into its handcuff (the left had not been removed), and 
 to draw the rope in a slipknot around his ankle, when Dirk 
 Peters came below, followed by Tiger, who immediately leaped 
 into the berth and lay down. The dog had been brought on 
 board by Augustus, who knew my attachment to the animal, and 
 thought it would give me pleasure to have him with me during 
 the voyage. He went up to our house for him immediately after 
 first taking me into the hold, but did not think of mentioning the 
 circumstance upon his bringing the watch. Since the mutiny 
 Augustus had not seen him before his appearance with Dirk 
 Peters, and had given him up for lost, supposing him to havta 
 been thrown overboard by some of the malignant villains be- 
 longing to the mate's gang. It appeared afterward that he had 
 crawled into a hole beneath a whale-boat, from which, not having 
 room to turn round, he could not extricate himself. Peters at 
 last let him out, and, with a species of good feeling which my 
 friend knew well how to appreciate, had now brought him to him 
 in the forecastle as a companion, leaving at the same time some 
 salt junk and potatoes, with a can of water : he then went on 
 deck, promising to come down with something more to eat on 
 the next day. 
 
 When he had gone, Augustus freed both hands from the ma- 
 nacles and unfastened his feet. He then turned down the head 
 of the mattress on which he had been lying, and with his pen-- 
 knife (for the ruffians had not tt ought it worth while to search 
 him) commenced cutting vigorously across one of the partition 
 planks, a- closely as possible to the floor of the berth. He
 
 A GORDON PYM. 53 
 
 cho^e to cut here, because, if suddenly interrupted, he would be 
 able to conceal what had been done by letting the head of the 
 mattress fall into its proper position. For the remainder of r.he 
 day, however, no disturbance occurred, and by night he .had 
 completely divided the plank. It should here be observed, that 
 none of the crew occupied the forecastle as a sleeping-place, 
 living altogether in the cabin since the mutiny, drinking the 
 wines, and feasting on the sea-stores of Captain Barnard, and 
 giving no more heed than was absolutely necessary to the navi- 
 gation of the brig. These circumstances proved fortunate both, 
 for myself and Augustus ; for, had matters been otherwise, he 
 would have found it impossible to reach me. As it was, he pro- 
 ceeded with confidence in his design. It was near daybreak, 
 however, before he completed the second division of the board 
 (which was about a foot above the first cut), thus making an 
 aperture quite large enough to admit his passage through with 
 facility to the main orlop deck. Having got here, he made his 
 way with but little trouble to the lower main hatch, although in 
 so doing he had to scramble over tiers of oil-casks piled nearly 
 as high as the upper deck, there being barely room enough left 
 for his body. Upon reaching the hatch, he found that Tiger had 
 followed him below, squeezing between two rows of the casks 
 It was now too late, however, to attempt getting to me before 
 dawn, as the chief difficulty lay in passing through the close 
 stowage in the lower hold. He therefore re.<olved to return, and 
 wait till the next night. With this design, he proceeded to 
 loosen the hatch, so that he might have as little detention as 
 possible when he should come again. No sooner had he loosen- 
 ed it than Tiger sprang eagerly to the small opening produced, 
 snuffed for a moment, and then uttered a long whine, scratching 
 at the same time, as if anxious to remove the covering with his 
 paw>. There could be no doubt, from his behavior, that he was 
 aware of my being in the hold, and Augustus thought it possible 
 that he would be able to get to me if he put him down. He 
 now hit upon the expedient of sending the note, as it was espe- 
 cially desirable that I should make no attempt at forcing my 
 way out, at least under existing circumstances, and there could 
 be no certainty of his getting to me himself on the morrow as he
 
 54 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 intended. After events proved how fortunate it was that the 
 idea occurred to him as it did ; for, had it not been for the re- 
 ceipt of t-he note, I should undoubtedly have fallen upon some 
 plau, however desperate, of alarming the crew, and both our 
 lives would most probably have been sacrificed in consequence. 
 
 Having concluded to write, the difficulty was now to procure 
 the materials for so doing. An old toothpick was soon made into 
 a pen ; and this by means of feeling altogether, for the between- 
 clecks were as dark as pitch. Paper enough was obtained from 
 the back of a letter a duplicate of the forged letter from Mr. 
 Ross. This had been the original draught; but the handwriting 
 not being sufficiently well imitated, Augustus had written an- 
 other, thrusting the first, by good fortune, into his coat-pocket, 
 v r here it was now most opportunely discovered. Ink alone was 
 thus wanting, and a substitute was immediately found for this 
 by means of a slight incision with the penknife on the back of 
 a finger just above the nail a copious flow of blood ensuing, as 
 u:;ual, from wounds in that vicinity. The note was now written, 
 as well as it could be in the dark, and under the circumstances. 
 It briefly explained that a mutiny had taken place ; that Captain 
 Barnard was set adrift ; and that I might expect immediate 
 relief as far as provisions were concerned, but must not venture 
 upon making any disturbance. It concluded with these words : 
 "/ have scrawled this with blood your life depends upon lying 
 close." 
 
 The slip of paper being tied upon the dog, he was now put 
 down the hatchway, and Augustus made the best of his wav 
 back to the forecastle, where he found no reason to believe thai 
 any of the crew had been in his absence. To conceal the hole 
 in the partition, he drove his knife in just above it, and hung up 
 a pea-jacket which he found in the berth. His handcuffs were 
 then replaced, and also the rope around his ankles. 
 
 These arrangements were scarcely completed when Dirk 
 Peters came below, very drunk, but in excellent humor, and 
 bringing with him my friend's allowance of provision for the day. 
 This consisted of a dozen large Irish potatoes roasted, and a 
 pitcher of water. He sat for some time or. a chest by the berth, 
 ard talked freely about the mate and the general concerns of
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 55 
 
 the brig. His demeanor was exceedingly capricious, ar.d even 
 grotesque. At one time Augustus was much alarmed by his 
 odd conduct. At last, however, he went on deck, muttering a 
 promise to bring his prisoner a good dinner on the morrow. 
 During the day two of the crew (harpooners) came down, ac- 
 companied by the cook, all three in nearly the last stage of 
 intoxication. Like Peters, they made no scruple of talking 
 unreservedly about their plans. It appeared that they were 
 much divided among themselves as to their ultimate course, 
 agreeing in no point, except the attack on the ship from the 
 Cape Verd Islands, with which they were in hourly expectation 
 of meeting. As far as could be ascertained, the mutiny had not 
 been brought about altogether for the sake of booty ; a private 
 pique of the chief mate's against Captain Barnard having been 
 the main instigation. There now seemed to be two principal 
 factions among the crew one headed by the mate, the other by 
 the cook. The former party were for seizing the first suitable 
 vessel which should present itself, and equipping it at some of 
 the West India Islands for a piratical cruise. The latter divi- 
 sion, however, which was the stronger, and included Dirk Peters 
 among its partisans, were bent upon pursuing the course origi- 
 nally laid out for the brig into the South Pacific ; there either 
 to take whale, or act otherwise, as circumstances should suggest. 
 The representations of Peters, who had frequently visited these 
 regions, had great weight, apparently, with the mutineers, 
 wavering, as they were, between half-engendered notions of 
 profit and pleasure. He dwelt on the world of novelty and 
 amusement to be found among the innumerable islands, of the 
 Pacific, on the perfect security and freedom from all restraint to 
 be enjoyed, but, more particularly, on the deliciousness of the 
 climate, on the abundant means of good living, and on the vo- 
 luptuous beauty of the women. As yet, nothing had been abso- 
 lutely determined upon ; but the pictures of the hybrid line- 
 manager were taking strong hold upon the ardent imaginations 
 of the seamen, and there was every probability that his inter? 
 tions would be finally carried into effect. 
 
 The three men went away in about an hour, and no one else 
 entered the forecastle all day. Augustus lay quiet until nearly
 
 66 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 night. He then freed himself from the rope and irons, and pre 
 pared for his attempt. A bottle was found in one of the berths ; 
 and this he filled with water from the pitcher left by Peters, 
 fetoring his pockets at the same time with cold potatoes. To his 
 great joy he also came across a lantern, with a small piece of 
 tallow candle in it. This ue could light aj any moment, as Lc 
 had in his possession a box of phosphorus matches. When it 
 was quite dark, he got through the hole in the bulkhead, having 
 taken the precaution to arrange the bedclothes in the berth so 
 as to convey the idea of a person covered up. When through, 
 he hung up the pea-jacket on his knife, as before, to conceal the 
 aperture this manoeuvre being easily effected, as he did not re- 
 adjust the piece of plank taken out until afterward. He was 
 now on the main orlop deck, and proceeded to make his way, as 
 before, between the upper deck and the oil-casks to the main 
 hatchway. Having reached this, he lit the piece of candle, and 
 descended, groping with extreme difficulty among the compact 
 stowage of the hold. In a few moments he became alarmed at 
 the insufferable stench and the closeness of the atmosphere. He 
 could not think it possible that I had survived my confinement 
 for so long a period breathing so oppressive an air. He called 
 my name repeatedly, but I made him no reply, and his appre- 
 hensions seemed thus to be confirmed. The brig was rolling 
 violently, and there was so much noise in consequence, that it 
 was useless to listen for any weak sound, such as those of my 
 breathing or snoring. He threw open the lantern, and held it 
 as high as possible, whenever an opportunity occurred, in order 
 that, by observing the light, I might, if alive, be aware that suc- 
 cor was approaching. Still nothing was heard from me, and 
 the supposition of my death began to assume the character 01 
 certainty. He determined, nevertheless, to force a passage, ii 
 possible, to the box, and at least ascertain beyond a doubt the 
 frith of his surmises. He pushed on for some time in a most 
 pitiable state of anxiety, until, at length, he found the pathway 
 utterly blocked up, and that there was no possibility of making 
 any farther way by the course in which he had set out. Over- 
 come now by his feelings, he threw himself among the lumbei 
 in despair, and wept like a child It was at this period (Uat lie
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 5? 
 
 heard the crash occasioned by the bottle, which I had throw & 
 down. Fortunate, indeed, was it that the incident occurred* 
 for, upon this incident, trivial as it appears, the thread of my 
 destiny depended. Many years elapsed, however, before I was 
 aware of this facl. A natural shame and regret for his weak- 
 ness and indecision prevented Augustus from confiding to me 
 at once what a more intimate and unreserved communion after- 
 ward induced him to reveal. Upon finding his further progress 
 in the hold impeded by obstacles which lie could not overcome, 
 he had resolved to abandon his attempt at reaching me, and re- 
 turn at once to the forecastle. Before condemning him entirely 
 on this head, the harassing circumstances which embarrassed 
 him should be taken into consideration. The night was fast 
 wearing away, and his absence from the forecastle might be dis- 
 covered ; and, indeed, would necessarily be so, if he should fail 
 to get back to the berth by daybreak. His candle was expiring 
 in the socket, and there would be the greatest difficulty in re- 
 tracing his way to the hatchway in the dark. It must be allowed, 
 too, that he had every good reason to believe me dead ; in which 
 event no benefit could result to me from his reaching the box, 
 and a world of danger would be encountered to no purpose by 
 himself. He had repeatedly called, and I had made him no 
 answer. I had been now eleven days and nights with no more 
 water than that contained in the jug which he had left with rne 
 a supply which it was not a,t all probable I had hoarded in the 
 beginning of my confinement, as I had had every cause to expect 
 a speedy release. The atmosphere of the hold, too, must have 
 appeared to him, coming from the comparatively open air of the 
 steerage, of a nature absolutely poisonous, and by far more 
 intolerable than it had seemed to me upon my first taking up 
 my quarters in the box the hatchways at that time having been 
 constantly open for many months previous. Add to these con- 
 siderations that of the scene of bloodshed and terror so lately 
 witnessed by my friend ; his confinement, privations, and narrow 
 escapes from death, together with the frail and equivocal tenure 
 by which he still existed circumstances all so well calculated 
 to prostrate every energy of mind and the reader will be easily 
 brought, as I have been, to regard his apparent falling off in
 
 58 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 friendship and in faith with sentiments rather of sorrow than of 
 anger. 
 
 The crash of the bottle was distinctly heard, yet Augustus 
 was not sure that it proceeded from the hold. The doubt, how- 
 ever, was sufficient inducement to persevere. He clambered 
 up nearly to the orlop deck by means of the stowage, and then, 
 watching for a lull in the pitchings of the vessel, he called out 
 to me in as loud a tone as he could command, regardless, for 
 the moment, of the danger of being overheard by the crew. It 
 will be remembered that on this occasion the voice reached me, 
 but I was so entirely overcome by violent agitation as to be in- 
 capable of reply. Confident, now, that his worst apprehensions 
 were well founded, he descended, with a view of getting back 
 to the forecastle without loss of time. In his haste, some small 
 boxes were thrown down, the noise occasioned by which I heard, 
 as will be recollected. He had made considerable progress on 
 his return when the fall of the knife again caused him to hesi- 
 tate. He retraced his steps immediately, and, clambering up 
 the stowage a second time, called out my name, loudly as before, 
 having watched for a lull. This time I found voice to answer. 
 Overjoyed at discovering me to be still alive, he now resolved 
 to brave every difficulty and danger in reaching me. Having 
 extricated himself as quickly as possible from the labyrinth of 
 lumber by which he w r as hemmed in, he at length struck into an 
 opening which promised better, and finally, after a series of 
 struggles, arrived at the box in a state of utter exhaustion. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE leading particulars of this narration were all that Augus- 
 tus communicated to me while we remained near the box. Ir 
 was not until afterward that he entered fully into all the details. 
 He was apprehensive of being missed, and I was wild with im- 
 patience to leave my detested place of confinement. We resolv- 
 ed to make our way at once to the hole in the bulkhead, near 
 which I was to remain for the present, while he went through to
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 59 
 
 reconnoitre. To leave Tiger in the box was what neither of U3 
 could endure to think of; yet, how to act otherwise was the 
 question. He now seemed to be perfectly quiet, and we could 
 not even distinguish the sound of his breathing upon applying 
 our ears closely to the box. I was convinced that he was dead, 
 and determined to open the door. AVe found him lying at full 
 length, apparently in a deep stupor, yet still alive. No time 
 was to be lost, yet I could not bring myself to abandon an animal 
 who had now been twice instrumental in saving my life, without 
 some attempt at preserving him. We therefore dragged him 
 along with us as well as we could, although with the greatest 
 difficulty and fatigue ; Augustus, during part of the time, being 
 forced to clamber over the impediments in our way with the 
 huge dog in his arms a feat to which the feebleness of my 
 frame rendered me totally inadequate. At length we succeeded 
 in reaching the hole, when Augustus got through, and Tiger was 
 pushed in afterward. All was found to be safe, and we did not 
 fail to return sincere thanks to God for our deliverance from the 
 imminent danger we had escaped. For the present, it was 
 agreed that I should remain near the opening, through which my 
 companion could readily supply me with a part of his daily pro- 
 vision, and where I could have the advantages of breathing an 
 atmosphere comparatively pure. 
 
 In explanation of some portions of this narrative, wherein I 
 have spoken of the stowage of the brig, and which may appeal 
 ambiguous to some of my readers who may have seen a proper 
 or regular stowage, I must here state that the manner in which 
 this most important duty had been performed on board the 
 Grampus was a most shameful piece of neglect on the part of 
 Captain Barnard, who was by no means as careful or as expe- 
 rienced a seaman as the hazardous nature of the service on which 
 he was employed, would seem necessarily to demand. A proper 
 stowage cannot be accomplished in a careless manner, and many 
 most disastrous accidents, even within the limits of my own ex- 
 perience, have arisen from neglect or ignorance in this particular. 
 Coasting vessels, in the frequent hurry and bustle attendant upon 
 taking in or discharging cargo, are the most liable to mishap 
 from the want of a proper attention to stowage. The great
 
 60 
 
 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 point is to allow no possibility of the cargo or ballast's shifting 
 position even in the most violent rollings of the vessel. With 
 this end, great attention must be paid, not only to the bulk taken 
 in, but to the nature of the bulk, and whether there be a full or 
 only a partial cargo. In most kinds of freight the stowage is 
 accomplished by means of a screw. Thus, in a load of tobacco 
 or flour, the whole is screwed so tightly into the hold of the ves- 
 sel that the barrels or hogsheads, upon discharging, are found to 
 be completely flattened, and take some time to regain their 
 original shape. This screwing, however, is resorted to princi- 
 pally with a view of obtaining more room in the hold ; for in a 
 full load of any such commodities as flour or tobacco, there can 
 be no danger of any shifting whatever, at least none from which 
 inconvenience can result. There have been instances, indeed, 
 where this method of screwing has resulted in the most lamen- 
 table consequences, arising from a cause altogether distinct from 
 the danger attendant upon a shifting of cargo. A load of cotton, 
 for example, tightly screwed while in certain conditions, has been 
 known, through the expansion of its bulk, to rend a vessel asunder 
 at sea. There can be no doubt, either, that the same result 
 would ensue in the case of tobacco, while undergoing its usual 
 course of fermentation, were it not for the interstices consequent 
 upon the rotundity of the hogsheads. 
 
 It is when a partial cargo is received that danger is chiefly to 
 be apprehended from shifting, and that precautions should be 
 always taken to guard against such misfortune. Only those who 
 have encountered a violent gale of wind, or rather who have 
 experienced the rolling of a vessel in a sudden calm after the 
 gale, can form an idea of the tremendous force of the plunges, 
 and of the consequent terrible impetus given to all loose articles 
 in the vessel. It is then that the necessity of a cautious stow- 
 age, when there is a partial cargo, becomes obvious. When 
 lying to (especially with a small head sail), a vessel which is 
 not properly modelled in the bows is frequently thrown upon 
 her beam-ends ; this occurring even every h'fteen or twenty mi- 
 nutes upon an average, yet without any serious consequences 
 resulting, provided there be a proper stowage. If this, however, 
 has not been strictly attended to, in the first of theae heavy
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 61 
 
 lurches the whole of the cargo tumbles over to the side of the 
 vessel which lies upon the water, and, being thus prevented from 
 regaining her equilibrium, as she would otherwise necessarily do, 
 she is certain to fill in a few seconds and go down. It is not too 
 much to say that at least one half of the instances in which 
 vessels have foundered in heavy gales at sea may be attributed 
 to a shifting of cargo or of ballast. 
 
 When a partial cargo of any kind is taken on board, the whole, 
 after being first stowed as compactly as may be, should be co- 
 vered with a layer of stout shifting-boards, extending com- 
 pletely across the vessel. Upon these boards strong temporary 
 stanchions should be erected, reaching to the timbers above, and 
 thus securing everything in its place. In cargoes consisting of 
 grain, or any similar matter, additional precautions are requisite. 
 A hold filled entirely with grain upon leaving port will be 
 found not more than three fourths full upon reaching its destina- 
 tion this, too, although the freight, when measured bushel by 
 bushel by the consignee, will overrun by a vast deal (on account 
 of the swelling of the grain) the quantity consigned. This 
 result is occasioned by settling during the voyage, and is the 
 more perceptible in proportion to the roughness of the weather 
 experienced. If grain loosely thrown in a vessel, then, is ever 
 so well secured by shifting-boards and stanchions, it will be 
 liable to shift in a long passage so greatly as to bring about the 
 most distressing calamities. To prevent these, every method 
 should be employed before leaving port to settle the cargo as 
 much as possible ; and for this there are many contrivances, 
 among which may be mentioned the driving of wedges into the 
 grain. Even after all this is done, and unusual pains taken to 
 secure the shifting boards, no seaman who knows what he is about 
 will feel altogether secure in a gale of any violence with a 
 cargo of grain on board, and, least of all, with a partial cargo. 
 Yet there are hundreds of our coasting vessels, and, it is likely, 
 many more from the ports of Europe, which sail daily with 
 partial cargoes, even of the most dangerous species, and without 
 any precautions whatever. The wonder is that no more acci- 
 dents occur than do actually happen. A lamentable instance ot 
 this heedlessness occurred to rav knowledge in the case of Cap-
 
 62 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 tain Joel Rice of the schooner Firefly, which sailed from Rich- 
 mond, Virginia, to Madeira, with a cargo of corn, in the year 
 ]825. The captain had gone many voyages without serious ac- 
 cident, although he was in the habit of paymg no attention what- 
 ever to his stowage, more than to secure it in the ordinary man- 
 ner. He had never before sailed with a cargo of grain, and on 
 this occasion had the corn thrown on board loosely, when it did 
 not much more than half fill the vessel. For the first portion 
 of the voyage he met with nothing more than light breezes ; but 
 when within a day's sail of Madeira there came on a strong gale 
 from the N. N. E. which forced him to lie to. He brought the 
 schooner to the wind under a double-reefed foresail alone, when 
 she rode as well as any vessel could be expected to do, and 
 shipped not a drop of water. Towards night the gale somewhat 
 abated, and she rolled with more unsteadiness than before, but 
 still did very well, until a heavy lurch threw her upon her beam- 
 ends to starboard. The corn was then heard to shift bodily, the 
 force of the movement bursting open the main hatchway. The 
 vessel went down like a shot. This happened within hail of a 
 small sloop from Madeira, which picked up one of the crew (the 
 only person saved), and which rode out the gale in perfect secu- 
 rity, as indeed a jollyboat might have done under proper manage- 
 ment. 
 
 The stowage on board the Grampus was most clumsily done, 
 if stowage that could be called which was little better than a 
 promiscuous huddling together of oil-casks* and ship furniture. 
 1 have already spoken of the condition of articles in the hold. 
 On the orlop deck there was space enough for my body (as I 
 Lave stated) between the oil-casks and the upper deck; a space 
 was left open around the main hatchway ; and several other 
 large spaces were left in the stowage. Near the hole cut through 
 the bulkhead by Augustus there was room enough for an entire 
 cask, and in this space I found myself comfortably situated for 
 the present. 
 
 By the time my friend had got safely into the berth, and re- 
 
 * Whaling vessels are usually fitted with iron oil-tanks why t.lu 
 Gran^pus was not I have never been able to ascertain.
 
 A. GORDON PiTM. 63 
 
 adjusted his handcuffs and the rope, it was broad daylight. "VVe 
 had made a narrow escape indeed ; for scarcely had he arranged 
 all matters, when the mate came below with Dirk Peters and the 
 cook. They talked for some time about the vessel from the 
 Cape Verds, and seemed to be excessively anxious for her ap- 
 pearance. At length the cook came to the berth in which Au- 
 gustus was lying, and seated himself in it near the head. I could 
 see and hear everything from my hiding-place, for the piece cut 
 out had not been put back, and I was in momentary expectation 
 that the negro would fall against the pea-jacket, which was hung 
 up to conceal the aperture, in which case all would have been 
 discovered, and our lives would, no doubt, have been instantly 
 sacrificed. Our good fortune prevailed, however ; and although 
 he frequently touched it as the vessel rolled, he never pressed 
 against it sufficiently to bring about a discovery. The bottom of 
 :he jacket had been carefully fastened to the bulkhead, so that 
 the hole might not be seen by its swinging to one side. All 
 this time Tiger was lying in the foot of the berth, and appeared 
 to have recovered in some measure his faculties, for I could see 
 him occasionally open his eyes and draw a long breath. 
 
 After a few minutes the mate and cook went above, leaving 
 Dirk Peters behind, who, as soon as they were gone, came and 
 sat himself down in the place just occupied by the mate. He 
 began to talk very sociably with Augustus, and we could now 
 see that the greater part of his apparent intoxication, while the 
 two others were with him, was a feint. He answered all my 
 companion's questions with perfect freedom ; told him that he 
 had no doubt of his father's having been picked up, as there 
 were no less than five sail in sight just before sundown on the 
 day he was cut adrift ; and used other language of a consolatory 
 nature, which occasioned me no less surprise than pleasure. 
 Indeed, I began to entertain hope?, that through the instrument- 
 ality of Peters we might be finally enabled to regain possession 
 of the brig, and this idea I mentioned to Augustus as soon as I 
 found an opportunity. He thought the matter possible, but urged 
 the necessity of the greatest caution in making the attempt, as 
 the conduct of the hybrid appeared to be instigated by the most 
 arbitrary caprice alone ; and, indeed, it was difficult to say if he
 
 6-4 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 was at any moment of sound mind. Peters went upon deck in 
 about an hour, and did not return again until noon, when he 
 brought Augustus a plentiful supply of junk beef and pudding 
 Of this, when we were left alone, I partook heartily, without 
 returning through the hole. No one else came down into the 
 forecastle during the day, and at night I got into Augustus's 
 berth, where I slept soundly and sweetly until nearly daybreak 
 when he awakened me upon hearing a stir upon deck, and I re- 
 gained my hiding-place as quickly as possible. When the day 
 was fully broke, we found that Tiger had recovered his strength 
 almost entirely, and gave no indications of hydrophobia, drinking 
 a little water that was offered him with great apparent eagerness. 
 During the day he regained all his former vigor and appetite. 
 His strange conduct had been brought on, no doubt, by the de- 
 leterious quality of the air of the hold, and had no connection 
 with canine madness. I could not sufficiently i-ejoice that I had 
 persisted in bringing him with me from the box. This day was 
 the thirtieth of June, and the thirteenth since the Grampus made 
 sail from Nantucket. 
 
 On the second of July the mate came below, drunk as usual, 
 and in an excessively good-humor. He came to Augustus's 
 berth, and, giving him a slap on the back, asked him if he thought 
 he could behave himself if he let him loose, and whether he would 
 promise not to be going into the cabin again. To this, of course, 
 my friend answered in the affirmative, when the ruffian set him at 
 liberty, after making him drink from a flask of rum which he drew 
 from his coat-pocket. Both now went on deck, and I did not see 
 Augustus for about three hours. lie then came below with the 
 good news that he had obtained permission to go about the brig 
 as he pleased anywhere forward of the mainmast, and that he 
 had been ordered to sleep, as usual, in the forecastle. He 
 brought me, too, a good dinner, and a plentiful supply of water 
 The brig was still cruising for the vessel from the Cape Verds, and 
 a sail was now in sight, which was thought to be the one in ques- 
 tion. As the events of the ensuing eight days were of little im- 
 portance, and had no direct bearing upon the main incidents of 
 my narrative, I will here throw them into the form of a journal 
 as I do not wish to omit them altogether
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 65 
 
 fitly 3. Augustus furnished me with three blankets, with whi^h 
 I contrived a comfortable bed in my hiding-place. No one came 
 below, except my companion, during the day. Tiger took his 
 station in the berth just by the aperture, and slept heavily, as if 
 not yet entirely recovered from the effects of his sickness. 
 Towards night a flaw of wind struck the brig before sail could 
 be taken in, and very nearly capsized her. The puff died away 
 immediately, however, and no damage was done beyond the 
 sj litting of the foretopsail. Dirk Peters treated Augustus all 
 this day with great kindness, and entered into a long conversa- 
 tion with him respecting the Pacific Ocean, and the islands he had 
 visited in that region. He asked him whether he would not like to 
 so with the mutineers on a kind of exploring and pleasure voyage 
 in those quarters, and said that the men were gradually coming 
 over to the mate's views. To this Augustus thought it best to reply 
 that he would be glad to go on such an adventure, since nothing better 
 could be done, and that anything was preferable to a piratical life 
 
 July 4:th. The vessel in sight proved to be a small brig from 
 Liverpool, and was allowed to pass unmolested. Augustus spent 
 most of his time on deck, with a view of obtaining all the in- 
 r ormation in his power respecting the intentions of the mutineers. 
 They had frequent and violent quarrels among themselves, in 
 one of which a harpooner, Jim Bonner, was thrown overboard. 
 The party of the mate was gaining ground. Jim Bonner be- 
 longed to the cook's gang, of which Peters was a partisan. 
 
 July 6th. About daybreak there came on a stiff breeze from 
 the west, which at noon freshened into a gale, so that the brig 
 could carry nothing more than her trysail and foresail. In tak- 
 ing in the foretopsail, Simms, one of the common hands, and 
 belonging also to the cock's gang, fell overboard, being very 
 much in liquor, and was drowned no attempt being made to 
 save him. The whole number of persons on board was now 
 
 thirteen, to wit : Dirk Peters ; Seymour, the black cook ; 
 
 Jones; Greely ; Hartman Rogers; and William Allen, of 
 
 the cook's party ; the mate, whose name I never learned ; Ab- 
 salom Hicks; Wilson; John Hunt; and Richard Parker, 
 
 of the mate's party besides Augustus and myself. 
 
 July Cith. The gale lasted all this day, blowing in heavy
 
 66 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 squalls, accompanied with rain. The brig took in a good deal 
 of water through her seams, and one Df the pumps was kept 
 continually going, Augustus being forced to take his turn. Just 
 at twilight a large ship passed close by us, without having been 
 discovered until within hail. This ship was supposed to be the 
 one for which the mutineers were on the look-out. The mate 
 hailed her, but the reply was drowned in the roaring of the gale. 
 At eleven, a sea was shipped amid-ships, which tore away a 
 great portion of the larboard bulwarks, and did some other 
 slight damage. Towards morning the weather moderated, and 
 at sunrise there was very little wind. 
 
 July 7th. There was a heavy swell running all this day, dur- 
 ing which the brig, being light, rolled excessively, and many 
 articles broke loose in the hold, as I could hear distinctly from 
 my hiding-place. I suffered a great deal from sea-sickness. 
 Peters had a long conversation this day with Augustus, and told 
 him that two of his gang, Greely and Allen, had gone over to 
 the mate, and were resolved to turn pirates. He put several 
 questions to Augustus which he did not then exactly understand. 
 During a part of this evening the leak gained upon the vessel ; 
 and little could be done to remedy it, as it was occasioned by 
 the brig's straining, and taking in the water through her seams. 
 A sail was thrummed, and got under the bows, which aided us 
 in some measure, so that we began to gain upon the leak. 
 
 July 8th. A light breeze sprung up at sunrise from the east- 
 ward, when the mate headed the brig to the southwest, with the 
 intention of making some of the West India Islands, in pursu- 
 ance of his piratical designs. No opposition was made by Peters 
 or the cook at least none in the hearing of Augustus. All idea 
 of taking the vessel from the Cape Verds was abandoned. The 
 leak was now easily kept under by one pump going every three 
 quarters of an hour. The sail was drawn from beneath the 
 bows. Spoke two small schooners during the day. 
 
 July Wi. Fine weather. All hands employed in repairing 
 bulwarks. Peters had again a long conversation with Augustus, 
 and spoke more plainly than he had done heretofore. He said 
 nothing should induce him to come into the mate's views, and 
 even hinted his intention of taking the brig out of his hands.
 
 A.. GORDON PYM. 67 
 
 He asked my friend if he could depend upon his aid in such 
 ease, to which Augustus said, "Yes," without hesitation. Peters 
 then said' he would sound the others of his party upon the sub- 
 ject, and went away. During the remainder of the day Augustus 
 had no opportunity of speaking with him privately. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 JULY 10. Spoke a brig from Rio, bound to Norfolk. Weather 
 hazy, with a light baflling wind from the eastward. To-day 
 Hartman Rogers died, having been attacked on the eighth with 
 spasms after drinking a glass of grog. This man was of the cook's 
 party, and one upon whom Peters placed his main reliance. He 
 told Augustus that he believed the mate had poisoned him, and 
 that he expected, if he did not be on the look-out, his own turn 
 would come shortly. There were now only himself, Jones, and 
 the cook belonging to his own gang on the other side there 
 were five. He had spoken to Jones about taking the command 
 fiom the mate; but the project having been coolly received, he 
 had been deterred from pressing the matter any further^ or from 
 saying anything to the cook. It was well, as it happened, that 
 he was so prudent, for in the afternoon the cook expressed his 
 determination of siding' with the mate, and went over formally 
 to that party ; while Jones took an opportunity of quarrelling 
 with Peters, and hinted that he would let the mate know of the 
 plan in agitation. There was now, evidently, no time to be lost 
 and Peters expressed his determination of attempting to take 
 the vessel at all hazards, provided Augustus would lend him his 
 aid. My friend at once assured him of his willingness to enter 
 into any plan for that purpose, and, thinking the opportunity a 
 favorable one, made known the fact of my being on board. At 
 this the hybrid was not more astonished than delighted, as he 
 had no reliance whatever upon Jones, whom he already consid- 
 ered as belonging to the party of the mate. They went below 
 immediately, when Augustus called to me by name, and Peters 
 and myself were soon made acquainted. It was agreed that we
 
 68 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 should attempt to retake the vessel upon the iirst good opportu- 
 nity, leaving Jones altogether out of our councils. In the event 
 of success, we were to run the brig into the first port that offered, 
 ind deliver her up. The desertion of his party had frustrated 
 Peter's design of going into the Pacific an adventure which 
 ?.ould not be accomplished without a crew, and he depended 
 upon either getting acquitted upon trial, on the score of insanity 
 (which he solemnly averred had actuated him in lending his aid 
 to the mutiny), or upon obtaining a pardon, if found guilty, 
 through the representations of Augustus and myself. Our deli- 
 berations were interrupted for the present by the cry of, "All 
 hands take in sail," and Peters and Augustus ran up on deck. 
 
 As usual, the crew were nearly all drunk ; and, before sail 
 could be properly taken in, a violent squall laid the brig on her 
 beam-ends. By keeping her away, however, she righted, having 
 shipped a good deal of water. Scarcely was everything secure, 
 when another squall took the vessel, and immediately afterward 
 another no damage being done. There was every appearance 
 of a gale of wind, which, indeed, shortly came on, with great 
 fury, from the northward and westward. All was made as snug 
 as possible, and we laid to, as usual, under a close-reefed fore- 
 Bail. As night drew on, the wind increased in violence, with a 
 remarkably heavy sea. Peters now came into the forecastle 
 with Augustus, and we resumed our deliberations. 
 
 We agreed that no opportunity could be more favorable than 
 the present for carrying our design into effect, as an attempt at 
 such a moment would never be anticipated. As the brig was 
 snugly laid to, there would be no necessity of manoeuvring her 
 until good weather, when, if we succeeded in our attempt, we 
 might liberate one, or perhaps two of the men, to aid us in tak- 
 ing her into port. The main difficulty was the great dispropor- 
 tion in our forces. There were only three of us, and in the 
 cabin there were nine. All the arms on board, too, were in their 
 possession, with the exception of a pair of small pistols which 
 Peters had concealed about his person, and the large seaman's 
 knife which he always wore in the waistband of his pantaloons. 
 From certain indications, too such, for example, as there being 
 no such thing as an axe or a handspike lying in their customary
 
 A. GORDON PY.M. 69 
 
 places we began to fear that the mate had his suspicions, at 
 least in regard to Peters, and that he would let slip no opportu- 
 nity of getting rid of him. It was clear, indeed, that what we 
 should determine to do could not be done too soon. Still the 
 }dds \vere too much against us to allow of our proceeding with- 
 out the greatest caution. 
 
 Peters proposed that he should go up on deck, and enter into 
 conversation with the watch (Allen), when he would be able to 
 throw him into the sea without trouble, and without making any 
 disturbance, by seizing a good opportunity ; that Augustus and 
 myself should then come up, and endeavor to provide ourselves 
 with some kind of weapons from the deck ; and that we should 
 then make a rush together, and secure the companion-way be- 
 fore any opposition could be offered. I objected to this, because 
 I could not believe that the mate (who was a cunning fellow in 
 all matters which did not affect his superstitious prejudices) 
 would suffer himself to be so easily entrapped. The very fact 
 of there being a watch on deck at all was sufficient proof that 
 he was upon the alert it not being usual, except in vessels 
 where discipline is most rigidly enforced, to station a watch on 
 deck when a vessel is lying to in a gale of wind. As I address 
 myself principally, if not altogether, to persons who have never 
 been to sea, it may be as well to state the exact condition of a 
 vessel under such circumstances. Lying to, or, in sea-parlance, 
 " laying to," is a measure resorted to for various purposes, and 
 effected in various manners. In moderate weather, it is fre- 
 quently done with a view of merely bringing the vessel to a 
 stand-still, to wait for another vessel, or any similar object. It 
 the vessel which lies to is under full sail, the manoeuvre is usu- 
 ally accomplished by throwing round some portion of her sails, 
 so as to let the wind take them aback, when she becomes sta- 
 tionary. But we are now speaking of lying to in a gale of winds 
 This is done when the wind is ahead, and too violent to admit 
 of carrying sail without danger of capsizing ; and sometimes 
 even when the wind is fair, but the sea too heavy for the vessel 
 to be put before it. If a vessel be suffered to scud before the 
 wind in a very heavy sea, much damage is usually done her by 
 the shipping of water over her stern, and sometimes by the vie
 
 70 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 lent plunges she makes forward. This manoeuvre, then, is sel- 
 dom resorted to in such case, unless through necessity. When 
 the vessel is in a leaky condition, she is often put before the 
 wind even in the heaviest seas; for, when lying to, her scams 
 are sure to be greatly opened by her violent straining, and it is 
 not so much the case when scudding. Often, too, it becomes 
 necessary to scud a vessel, either when the blast is so exceeding- 
 ly furious as to tear in pieces the sail which is employed with a 
 view of bringing her head to the wind, or when, through the 
 false modelling of the frame or other causes, this main object 
 cannot be effected. 
 
 Vessels in a gale of wind are laid to in different manners, 
 according to their peculiar construction. Some lie to best under 
 a foresail, and this, I believe, is the sail most usually employed. 
 Large square-rigged vessels have sails for the express purpose, 
 called storm-staysails. But the jib is occasionally employed by 
 itself sometimes the jib and foresail, or a double-reefed foresail, 
 and not unfrequently the aftersails, are made use of. Foretop- 
 sails are very often found to answer the^urpose better than any 
 other species of sail. The Grampus was generally laid to under 
 a close-reefed foresail. 
 
 When a vessel is to be laid to, her head is brought up to the 
 wind just so nearly as to fill the sail under which she lies, when 
 hauled flat aft, that is, when brought diagonally across the vessel. 
 This being done, the bows point within a few degrees of the 
 direction from which the wind issues, and the windward bow of 
 course receives the shock of the waves. In this situation a good 
 vessel will ride out a very heavy gale of wind without shipping 
 a drop of water, and without any further attention being requisite 
 on the part of the crew. The helm is usually lashed down, but 
 this is altogether unnecessary (except on account of the noise it 
 makes when loose), for the rudder has no effect upon the vessel 
 when lying to. Indeed, the helm had far better be left loose than 
 lashed very fast, for the rudder is apt to be torn off by heavy 
 seas if there be no room for the helm to play. As long as the 
 sail holds, a well-modelled vessel will maintain her situation, and 
 ride every sea, as if instinct with life and reason. If the violence 
 cf the wind, however, should tear the sail into pieces (a feal
 
 A. GORDO.N PYM 71 
 
 which it requires a perfect hurricane to accomplish under ordi- 
 nary circumstances), there is then imminent danger. The vessel 
 falls off from the wind, and, coming broadside to the sea, is com- 
 pletely at its mercy : the only resource in this case is to put her 
 quietly before the wind, letting her scud until some other sail can 
 be set. Some vessels will lie to under no sail whatever, but such 
 are not to be trusted at sea. 
 
 But to return from this digression. It had never been custom- 
 ary with the mate to have any watch on deck when lying to in a 
 gale of wind, and the fact that he had now one, coupled with the 
 circumstance of the missing axes and handspikes, fully convinced 
 us that the crew were too well on the watch to be taken by sur- 
 prise in the manner Peters had suggested. Something, however, 
 was to be done, and that with as little delay as practicable, for 
 there could be no doubt that a suspicion having been once enter- 
 tained against Peters, he would be sacrificed upon the earliest 
 occasion, and one would certainly be either found or made upon 
 the breaking of the gale. 
 
 Augustus now suggested that if Peters could contrive to re- 
 move, under any pretext, the piece of chain-cable which lay over 
 the trap in the state-room, we might possibly be able to come 
 upon them unawares by means of the hold ; but a little reflection 
 convinced us that the vessel rolled and pitched too violently for 
 any attempt of that nature. 
 
 By good fortune I at length hit upon the idea of working upon 
 the superstitious terrors and guilty conscience of the mate. It 
 will be remembered that one of the crew, Hartman Rogers, had 
 died during the morning, having been attacked two days before 
 with spasms after drinking some spirits and water. Peters had 
 expressed to us his opinion that this man had been poisoned by 
 the mate, and for this belief he had reasons, so he said, which 
 were incontrovertible, but which lie could not be prevailed upon 
 to explain to us this wayward refusal being only in keeping 
 with other points of his singular character. But whether or not 
 he had any better grounds for suspecting the mate than we had 
 ourselves, we were easily led to fall in with his suspicion, and 
 determined to act accordingly. 
 
 Rogers had died about eleven in the fovenoon, in violent con
 
 72 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 vulsions ; and the corpse presented in a few minutes after deaih 
 one of the most horrid and loathsome spectacles I ever remember 
 lo have seen. The stomach was swollen immensely, like that of 
 a man who has been drowned and lain under water for many 
 weeks. The hands were in the same condition, while the face 
 was shrunken, shrivelled, and of a chalky whiteness, except where 
 relieved by two or three glaring red splotches, like those occa- 
 sioned by the erysipelas : one of these splotches extended diago- 
 nally across the face, completely covering up an eye as if with a 
 band of red velvet. In this disgusting condition the body had 
 been brought up from the cabin at noon to be thrown overboard, 
 when the mate getting a glimpse of it (for he now saw it for the 
 first time), and being either touched with remorse for his crime 
 or struck with terror at so horrible a sight, ordered the men to 
 sew the body up in its hammock, and allow it the usual rites of 
 sea-burial. Having given these directions, he went below, as if 
 to avoid any further sight of his victim. While preparations were 
 making to obey his orders, the gale came on with great fury, and 
 the design was abandoned for the present. The corpse, left to 
 itself, was washed into the larboard scuppers, where it still lay 
 at the time of which I speak, floundering about with the furious 
 lurches of the brig. 
 
 Having arranged our plan, we set about putting it in execution 
 as speedily as possible. Peters went upon deck, and, as he had 
 anticipated, was immediately accosted by Allen, who appeared to 
 be stationed more as a watch upon the forecastle than for any 
 other purpose. The fate of this villain, however, was speedily 
 and silently decided ; for Peters, approaching him in a careless 
 manner, as if about to address him, seized him by the throat, and, 
 before he could utter a single cry, tossed him over the bulwarks. 
 He then called to us, and we came up. Our first precaution waa 
 to look about for something with which to arm ourselves, and in 
 doing this we had to proceed with great care, for it was impossi- 
 ble to stand on deck an instant without holding fast, and violent 
 seas broke over the vessel at every plunge forward. It was in- 
 dispensable, too, that we should be quick in our operations, for 
 every minute we expected the mate to be up to set the pumps 
 going, as it was evident the brig must be taking in water very
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 73 
 
 fast. After searching about for somo time, we could find nothing 
 more fit for our purpose than the two pump-handles, one of which 
 Augustus took, and I the other. Having secured these, we 
 stripped off the shirt of the corpse and dropped the body over- 
 board. Peters and myself then went below, leaving Augustus to 
 watch upon deck, where he took his station just where Allen had 
 been placed, and with his back to the cabin companion-way, so 
 that, if any one of the mate's gang should come up, he might 
 suppose it was the watch. 
 
 As soon as I got below I commenced disguising myself so as 
 to represent the corpse of Rogers. The shirt which we had 
 taken from the body aided us very much, for it was of singular 
 form and character, and easily recognizable a kind of smock, 
 which the deceased wore over his other clothing. It was a blue 
 stockinett, with large white stripes running across. Having put 
 this on, I proceeded to equip myself with a false stomach, in im- 
 itation of the horrible deformity of the swollen corpse. This was 
 soon effected by means of stuffing with some bedclothes. I then 
 gave the same appearance to my hands by drawing on a pair of 
 white woollen mittens, and filling them in with any kind of rags that 
 offered themselves. Peters then arranged my face, first rubbing 
 it well over with white chalk, and afterwards splotching it with 
 blood, which he took from a cut in his finger. The streak across 
 the eye was not forgotten, and presented a most shocking ap- 
 pearance. 
 
 CHAPTEPv VIII. 
 
 As I viewed myself in a fragment of looking-glass which hung 
 up in the cabin, and by the dim light of a kind of battle-lantern, 
 I was so impressed with a sense of vague awe at my appearance, 
 and at the recollection of the terrific reality which I was thus 
 representing, that I was seized with a violent tremor, and could 
 scarcely summon resolution to go on with my part. It was ne- 
 cessary, however, to act with decision, and Peters and myself 
 went upon deck.
 
 74 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 "We there found everything safe, and, keeping close to flic bul- 
 warks, the three of us crept to the cabin companion-way. It was 
 Only partially closed, precautions having been taken to prevent 
 its being suddenly pushed to from without, by means of placing 
 billets of wood on the upper step so as to interfere with the 
 shutting. We found no difficulty in getting a full view of the 
 interior of the cabin through the cracks where the hinges were 
 placed. It now proved to have been very fortunate for us that 
 we had not attempted to take them by surprise, for they were 
 evidently on the alert. Only .one was asleep, and he lying 
 just at the foot of the companion-ladder, with a musket by his 
 side. The rest were seated on several mattresses, which had 
 been taken from the berths and thrown on the floor. They were 
 engaged in earnest conversation ; and although they had been 
 carousing, as appeared from two empty jugs, with some tin tum- 
 blers which lay about, they were not as much intoxicated as 
 usual. All had knives, one or two of them pistols, and a great 
 many muskets were lying in a berth close at hand. 
 
 We listened to their conversation for some time before we 
 could make up our minds how to act, having as yet resolved on 
 nothing determinate, except that we would attempt to paralyze 
 their exertions, when we should attack them, by means of the 
 apparition of Rogers. They were discussing their piratical plans, 
 in which all we could hear distinctly was, that they would unite 
 with the crew of a schooner Hornet, and, if possible, get the 
 schooner herself into their possession preparatory to some attempt 
 on a large scale, the particulars of which could not be made out 
 by either of us. 
 
 One of the men spoke of Peters, when the mate replied to him 
 in a low voice which could not be distinguished, and afterward 
 added more loudly, that " he could not understand his being so 
 much forward with the captain's brat in the forecastle, and he 
 thought thf sooner both of them were overboard the better." To 
 this no answer was made, but we could easily perceive that the 
 hint was well received by the whole party, and more particularly 
 by Jones. At this period I was excessively agitated, the more 
 so as I could see that neither Augustus nor Peters could deter- 
 mine how to act. I made up my mind, however, to sail my life
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 75 
 
 as dearly as possible, and not to suffer myself to be overcome by 
 any feelings ot trepidation. 
 
 The tremendous noise made by the roaring of the wind in the 
 rigging, and the washing of the sea over the deck, prevented us 
 from hearing what was said, except during momentary lulls. In 
 one of these, we all distinctly heard the mate tell one of the 
 men to " go forward, and order the d d lubbers to come into 
 the cabin, where he could have an eye upon them, for he wanted 
 no such secret doings on board the brig." It was well for us 
 that the pitching of the vessel at this moment was so violent as 
 to prevent this order from being carried into instant execution. 
 The cook got up from his mattress to go for us, when a tremen- 
 dous lurch, which I thought would cany away the masts, threw 
 him headlong against one of the larboard state-room doors, burst- 
 ing it open, and creating a good deal of other confusion. Luck- 
 ily, neither of our party was thrown from his position, and we 
 had time to make a precipitate retreat to the forecastle, and ar- 
 range a hurried plan of action before the messenger made his 
 appearance, or rather before he put his head out of the ccinpa- 
 nion-hatch, for he did not come on deck. From this station he 
 could not notice the absence of Allen, and he accordingly Uivvled 
 out, as if to him, repeating the orders of the mate. Peteis cried 
 out, "Ay, ay," in a disguised voice, and the cook immediately 
 went below, without entertaining a suspicion that all wns not 
 right. 
 
 My two companions now proceeded boldly aft and down into 
 the cabin, Peters closing the door after him in the same manner 
 he had found it. The mate received thera with feigned cordial- 
 ity, and told Augustus that, since he bad behaved himself so well 
 of late, he might take up his quarters in the cabin, and be one 
 of them for the future. He then poured him out a tumbler balf 
 full of rum, and made him drink it. All this I saw and h ard, 
 for I followed my friends to the cabin as soon as the dooi was 
 phut, and took up my old point of observation. I had brought 
 with me the two pump-handles, one of which I secured neur the 
 companion-way, to be ready for use when required. 
 
 I now steadied myself as well as possible so as to have a good 
 view of all that was passing within, and endeavored to nerve
 
 yg NARRATIVE OF 
 
 myself to the task of descending among the mutineers when TV. 
 ters should make a signal to me, as agreed upon. Presently he 
 contrived to turn the conversation upon the bloody deeds of the 
 mutiny, and, by degrees, led the men to talk of the thousand 
 superstitions which are so universally current among seamen 
 I could not make out all that was said, but I could plainly see 
 the effects of the conversation in the countenances of those pre- 
 sent. The mate was evidently much agitated, and presently, 
 when some one mentioned the terrific appearance of Eogers's 
 corpse, I thought he was upon the point of swooning. Peters 
 now asked him if he did not think it would be better to have 
 the body thrown overboard at once, as it was too horrible a sight 
 to see it floundering about in the scuppers. At this the villain 
 absolutely gasped for breath, and turned his head slowly round 
 upon his companions, as if imploring some one to go up and per- 
 form the task. No one, however, stirred, and it was quite evi- 
 dent that the whole party were wound up to the highest pitch 
 of nervous excitement. Peters now made me the signal. I 
 immediately threw open the door of the companion-way, and, 
 descending, without uttering a syllable, stood erect in the midst 
 of the party. 
 
 The intense effect produced by this sudden apparition is not 
 at all to be wondered at when the various circumstances are 
 taken into consideration. Usually, in case* of a similar nature> 
 there is left in the mind of the spectator some glimmering oi 
 doubt as to the reality of the vision before his eyes ; a degree 
 of hope, however feeble, that he is the victim of chicanery, and 
 that the apparition is not actually a visitant from the world of 
 shadows. It is not too much to say that such remnants of doubl 
 have been at the bottom of almost every such visitation, and that 
 the appalling horror which has sometimes been brought about, 
 is to be attributed, even in the cases .most in point, and where 
 most suffering has been experienced, more to a kind of anticipa- 
 tive horror, lest the apparition might possibly be real, than to an 
 unwavering belief in its reality. But, in the present instance, 
 it vill be seen immediately, that in the minds of the mutineer* 
 there was not even the shadow of a basis upon which to rest a 
 doubt that the apparition of Rogers was indeed a revivification
 
 A. GORDON PYM 77 
 
 tf LIs disgusting corpse, or at least its spiritual imno'e. The 
 isolated situation of the brig, with its entire inaccessibility on 
 account of the gale, confined the apparently possible means of 
 deception within such narrow and definite limits, that they must 
 have thought themselves enabled to survey them all at a glance. 
 They had now been at sea twenty-four days, without holding 
 more than a speaking communication with any vessel whatever. 
 The whole of the crew, too at least all whom they had the most 
 remote reason for suspecting to be on board were assembled in 
 the cabin, with the exception of Allen, the watch; and his gigan- 
 tic stature (he was six feet six inches high) was too familiar in 
 their eyes to permit the notion that he was the apparition before 
 them to enter their minds even for an instant. Add to these 
 considerations the awe-inspiring nature of the tempest, and that 
 of the conversation brought about by Peters ; the deep impres- 
 sion which the loathsomeness of the actual corpse had made in 
 the morning upon the imaginations of the men ; the excellence 
 of the imitation in my person, and the uncertain and wavering 
 light in which they beheld me, as the glare of the cabin lantern, 
 swinging violently to and fro, fell dubiously and fitfully upon my 
 figure, and there will be no reason to wonder that the deception 
 had even more than the entire effect which we had anticipated. 
 The mate sprang up from the mattress on which he was lying, 
 and, without uttering a syllable, fell back, stone dead, upon the 
 cabin floor, and was hurled to the leeward like a log by a heavy 
 roll of the brig. Of the remaining seven, there were but three 
 who had at first any degree of presence of mind. The four 
 olhers sat for some time rooted apparently to the floor the most 
 pitiable objects of horror and utter despair my eyes ever en- 
 countered. The only opposition we experienced at all was from 
 the cook, John Hunt, and Richard Parker; but they made but 
 a feeble and irresolute defence. The two former were ehot in- 
 stantly by Peters, and I felled Parker with a blow on the head 
 from the pump-handle which I had brought with me. In the 
 mean time, Augustus seized one of the muskets lying on tha 
 
 floor, and shot another mutineer ( Wilson) through the 
 
 breast. There were now but three remaining; but by this tirn 
 tlM'y had become aroused from their lethargy, and perhaps bo-
 
 78 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 gan to see that a deception had been practised upon them, for 
 they fought with great resolution and fury, and, but for the 
 immense muscular strength of Peters, might have ultimately got 
 
 the better of us. These three men were Jones, Gree 
 
 ly, and Absalom Hicks. Jones had thrown Augustus on the 
 floor, stabbed him in several places along the right arm, and 
 would no doubt have soon dispatched him (as neither Peters 
 nor myself could immediately gat rid of our own antagonists), 
 had it not been for the timely aid of a friend, upon whose assist- 
 ance we, surely, had never depended. This friend was no other 
 than Tiger. With a low growl, he bounded into the cabin, at a 
 most critical moment for Augustus, and, throwing himself upon 
 Jones, pinned him to the floor in an instant. My friend, how- 
 ever, was now too much injured to render us any aid whatever, 
 and I was so encumbered with my disguise that I could do but 
 little. The dog would not leave his hold upon the throat of 
 Jones Peters, nevertheless, was fai more than a match for the 
 two men who remained, and would, no doubt, have dispatched 
 them sooner, had it not been for the narrow space in which he 
 had to act, and the tremendous lurches of the vessel. Presently 
 he was enabled to get hold of a heavy stool, several of which lay 
 about the floor. AVith this he beat out the brains of Greely as 
 he was in the act of discharging a musket at me, and imme- 
 diately afterward a roll of the brig throwing him in contact \rith 
 Hicks, he seized him by the throat, and, by dint of sheer strength, 
 strangled him instantaneously. Thus, in far less time than I 
 have taken to tell it, we found ourselves masters of the brig. 
 
 The only person of our opponents who was left alive was 
 Richard Parker. This man, it will be remembered, I had 
 knocked down with a blow from the pump-handle at the com- 
 mencement of the attack. He now lay motionless by the door 
 of the shattered state-room; but, upon Peter? touching him with 
 his foot, he spoke, and entreated for mercy. His head was only 
 slightly cut, and otherwise he had received no injury, having been 
 merely stunned by the blow. He now got up, and, for the pre- 
 sent, we secured his hands behind his back. The dog was stiL 
 growling over Jones ; but, upon examination, we found him com- 
 pletely dead, the blood issuing in a stream from a deep vvouud
 
 \. GORDON PYM. 79 
 
 in the throat, inflicted, no doubt, by the sharp teeth of the ani- 
 mal. 
 
 It was now about one o'clock in the morning, and the wind 
 was still blowing tiemendously. The brig evidently labored 
 much more than irsual, and it became absolutely necessary that 
 something should be done with a view of easing her in some 
 measure. At almost every roll to leeward she shipped a sea, 
 several of which came partially down into the cabin during our 
 scuffle, the hatchway having been left open by myself when I 
 descended. The entire range of bulwarks to larboard had been 
 swept away, as well as the caboose, together with the jollyboat 
 from the counter. The creaking and working of the mainmast, 
 too, gave indication that it was nearly sprung. To make room 
 for more stowage in the after hold, the heel of this mast had 
 been stepped between decks (a very reprehensible practice, occa- 
 sionally resorted to by ignorant ship-builders), so th.it it was in 
 imminent danger of working from its step. But, to crown all 
 our difficulties, we plummed the well, and found no less than 
 seven feet water. 
 
 Leaving the bodies of the crew lying in the cabin, we got to 
 work immediately at the pumps Parker, of course, being set at 
 liberty to assist us in the labor. Augustus's arm was bound up as 
 well as we could effect it, and he did what he could, but that 
 was not much. However, we found that we could just manage 
 to keep the leak from gaining upon us by having one pump con- 
 stantly going. As there were only four of us, this was severe 
 labor ; but we endeavored to keep up our spirits, and looked 
 anxiously for daybreak, when we hoped to lighten the brig by 
 cutting away the mainmast. 
 
 In this manner we passed a night of terrible anxiety and 
 fatigue, and., when the day at length broke, the gale had neither 
 abated in the least, nor were there any signs of its abating. We 
 now dragged the bodies on deck and threw them overboard. 
 Our next care was to get rid of the mainmast. The necessary 
 preparations having been made, Peters cut away at the masi 
 (having found axes in the cabin), while the rest of us stood by 
 the stays and lanyards. As the brig gave a tremendous lee-lurch, 
 the word was given to cut away the weather-lanyards, vjhicli
 
 80 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 being done, the wholj mass of wood and rigging plunged into the 
 Bea, clear of the brig, and without doing any material injury 
 We now found that the vessel did not labor quite as much as 
 before, but our situation was still exceedingly precarious, and, 
 in spite of the utmost exertions, we could not gain upon the leak 
 without the aid of both pumps. The little assistance which Au- 
 gustus could render us was not really of any importance. To 
 add to our distress, a heavy sea, striking the brig to windward, 
 threw her off several points from the wind, and, before she could 
 regain her position, another broke completely over her, and 
 hurled her full upon her beam-ends. The ballast now shifted in 
 a mass to leeward (the stowage had been knocking about per 
 fectly at random for some time), and for a few moments we 
 thought nothing could save us from capsizing. Presently, how- 
 ever, we partially righted ; but the ballast still retaining its 
 place to larboard, we lay so much along that it was useless to 
 think of working the pumps, which indeed we could not have 
 done much longer in any case, as our hands were entirely raw 
 with the excessive labor we had undergone, and were bleeding 
 in the most horrible manner. 
 
 Contrary to Parker's advice, we now proceeded to cut away 
 the foremast, and at length accomplished it after much difficulty, 
 owing to the position in which we lay. In going overboard the 
 wreck took with it the bowsprit, and left us a complete hulk. 
 
 So far we had had reason to rejoice in the escape of our longboat, 
 which had received no damage from any of the huge seas which 
 had come on board. But we had not long to congratulate our- 
 selves ; for the foremast having gone, and, of course, the fore- 
 sail with it, by which the brig had been steadied, every sea now 
 made a complete breach over us, and in five minutes our deck 
 was swept from stem to stern, the longboat and starboard bul- 
 warks torn off, and even the windlass shattered into fragments. 
 It was, indeed, hardly possible for us to be in a more pitiablo 
 condition. 
 
 At noon there seemed to be some slight appearance of the gale's 
 abating, but in this we were sadly disappointed, for it only lulled foi 
 ii few minutes to blow with redoubled fury. About four in the 
 afternoon it was utterly impossible to stand up against the vio-
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 81 
 
 h'nce of the blast ; and, as the night clored in upon us, I had not a 
 shadow of hope that the vessel would hold together until morning 
 
 By midnight we had settled very deep in the water, which was 
 now up to the orlop deck. The rudder went soon afterward, 
 the sea which tore it away lifting the after portion of the brig 
 entirely from the water, against which she thumped in her de- 
 scent with such a concussion as would be occasioned by going 
 ashore. We had all calculated that the rudder would hold its 
 own to the last, as it was unusually strong, being rigged as I have 
 never seen one rigged either before or since. Down its main 
 timber there ran a succession of stout iron hooks, and others in 
 the same manner down the stern-post. Through these hooks 
 there extended a very thick wrought-iron rod, the rudder being 
 thus held to the stern-post, and swinging freely on the rod. The 
 tremendous force of the sea which tore it off may be estimated by 
 the fact, that the hooks in the stern-post, which ran entirely 
 throught it, being clinched on the inside, were drawn every one 
 of them completely out of the solid wood. 
 
 We had scarcely time to draw breath after the violence of this 
 shock, when one of the most tremendous waves I had then ever 
 known broke right ou ooard of us, sweeping the companion-way 
 clear off, bursting ir ,he hatchways, and filling every inch of the 
 vessel with water 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 LUCKILY, just before night, all four of us had lashed ourselves 
 firmly to the fragments of the windlass, lying in this manner aa 
 Hat upon the deck, as possible. This precaution alone saved us 
 from destruction. As it was, we were all more or less stunned 
 by the immense weight of water which tumbled upon us, and 
 which did not roll from above us until we were nearly exhaust- 
 ed. As soon as I could recover breath, I called aloud to my 
 companions. Augustus aione replied, saying, "It is all over 
 with us, and may God have mercy upon our souls." By-and-by 
 both the others were enabled to speak, when they exhorted us to
 
 82 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 take courage, as there was still hope ; it being impossible, from 
 the nature of the cargo, that the brig could go down, and there 
 being every chance that the gale would blow over by the morn- 
 ing. These words inspired me with new life ; for, strange as it 
 may seem, although it was obvious that a vessel with a cargo of 
 empty oil-casks would not sink, I had been hitherto so confused 
 in mind as to have overlooked this consideration altogether ; and 
 the danger which I had for some time regarded as the most im- 
 minent was that of foundering. As hope revived within me, I 
 made use of every opportunity to strengthen the lashings which 
 held me to the remains of the windlass, and in this occupation I 
 soon discovered that my companions weve also busy. The night 
 was as dark as it could possibly be, and the horrible shrieking din 
 and confusion which surrounded us it is useless to attempt de- 
 scribing. Our deck lay level with the sea, or rather we were 
 encircled with a towering ridge of foam, a portion of which swept 
 over us every instant. It is not too much to say that our heads 
 w*;re not fairly out of water more than one second in three. 
 Although we lay close together, no one of us could see the other, 
 or, indeed, any portion of the brig itself, upon which we were so 
 tempestuously hurled about. At intervals we called one to the 
 other, thus endeavoring to keep alive hope, and render consola- 
 tion and encouragement to such of us as stood most in need of it. 
 The feeble condition of Augustus made him an object of solici- 
 tude with us all ; and as, from the lacerated condition of his 
 right arm, it must have been impossible for him to secure his 
 lashings with any degree of firmness, we were in momentary ex- 
 pectation of finding that he had gone overboard yet to render 
 him aid was a thing altogether out of the question. Fortunately, 
 his station was more secure than that of any of the rest of us ; for 
 the upper part of his body lying just beneath a portion of the 
 shattered windlass, the seas, as they tumbled in upon him, were 
 greatly broken in their violence. In any other situation than 
 this (into which he had been accidentally thrown after having 
 lashed himself in a very exposed spot) he must inevitably have 
 perished before morning. Owing to the brig's lying so much 
 along, we were all less liable to be washed off than otherwise 
 would have been the case.* The heel, as I have before stated.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 83 
 
 was to larboard, about one half of the deck being constantly under 
 water. The seas, therefore, which struck us to starboard were 
 much broken by the vessel's side, only reaching us in fragments 
 as we lay flat on our faces ; while those which came from larboard, 
 being what are called back-water seas, and obtaining little hold 
 upon us on account of our posture, had not sufficient force to drag 
 us from our fastenings. 
 
 In this frightful situation we lay until the day broke so as to 
 show us more fully the horrors which surrounded us. The brig 
 was a mere log, rolling about at the mercy of every wave ; the 
 gale was upon the increase, if anything, blowing indeed a com- 
 plete hurricane, and there appeared to us no earthly prospect of 
 deliverance. For several hours we held on in silence, expecting 
 every moment that our lashings would either give way, that the 
 remains of the windlass would go by the board, or that some of 
 the huge seas, which roared in every direction around us and 
 above us, would drive the hulk so far beneath the water that we 
 should be drowned before it could regain the surface. By the 
 mercy of God, however, we were preserved from these imminent 
 dangers, and about midday were cheered by the light of the. 
 blessed sun. Shortly afterward we could perceive a sensible 
 diminution in the force of the wind, when, now for the first time 
 since the latter part of the evening before, Augustus spoke, ask- 
 ing Peters, who lay closest to him, if he thought there was any 
 possibility of our being saved. As no reply was at first made to 
 this question, we all concluded that the hybrid had been drowned 
 where he lay ; but presently, to our great joy, he spoke, although 
 very feebly, saying that he was in great pain, being so cut by the 
 tightness of his lashings across the stomach, that he must either 
 find means of loosening them or perish, as it was impossible that 
 he could endure his misery much longer. This occasioned us 
 great distress, as it was altogether useless to think of aiding him 
 in any manner while the sea continued washing over us as it did. 
 We exhorted him to bear his sufferings with fortitude, and prom- 
 ised to seize the first opportunity which should offer itself to 
 relieve him. He replied that it would soon be too late ; that it 
 would be all over with him before we could help him ; and then,
 
 84 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 after moaning for some minutes, lay silent, when we com luded 
 that he had perished. 
 
 As the evening drew on, the sea had fallen so much that 
 scarcely more than one wave broke over the hulk from windward 
 in the course of five minutes, and the wind had abated a great 
 deal, although still blowing a severe gale. I had not heard any 
 of my companions speak for hours, and now called to Augustus. 
 He replied, although very feebly, so that 1 could not distinguish 
 what he said. 1 then spoke to Peters and to Parker, neither of 
 whom returned any answer. 
 
 Shortly after this period I fell into a state of partial insensi 
 bility, during which the most pleasing images floated in my ima- 
 gination ; such as green trees, waving meadows of ripe grain, 
 processions of dancing girls, troops of cavalry, and other phan- 
 tasies. I now remember that, in all which passed before my 
 mind's eye, motion was a predominant idea. Thus, I never fan- 
 cied any stationary object, such as a house, a mountain, or any- 
 thing of that kind ; but windmills, ships, large birds, ballooRs, 
 people on horseback, carriages driving furiously, and similar 
 moving objects, presented themselves in endless succession. 
 When I recovered from this state, the sun was, as near as I 
 could guess, an hour high. I had the greatest difficulty in bring- 
 ing to recollection the various circumstances connected with my 
 situation, and for some time remained firmly convinced that I 
 was still in the hold of the brig, near the box, and that the body 
 of Parker was that of Tiger. 
 
 When I at length completely came to my senses, I found that 
 the wind blew no more than a moderate breeze, and that the sea 
 was comparatively calm ; so much so that it only washed over 
 the brig amidships. My left arm had broken loose from its 
 lashings, and was much cut about the elbow ; my right was en- 
 tirely benumbed, and the hand and wrist swollen prodigiously 
 by the pressure of the rope, which had worked from the shoulder 
 downward. I was also in great pain from another rope which 
 went about my waist, and had been drawn to an insufferable de- 
 gree of tightness. Looking round upon my companions, I saw 
 that Peters still lived, although a thick line was pulled so forci- 
 bly around his loin< as to give him the appearance of being tut
 
 A GORDON HYM 85 
 
 nearly in two , as I stirred, he made a feeble motion to me with 
 his hand, pointing to the rope. Augustus gave no indication of 
 life whatever, and was bent nearly double across a splinter of the 
 windlass. Parker spoke to me when he saw me moving, and 
 asked me if I had not sufficient strength to release him from his 
 situation, saying, that if I would summon up what spirits I could, 
 and contrive to untie him, we might yet save our lives ; but that 
 otherwise we must all perish. I told him to take courage, and I 
 would endeavor to free him. Feeling in my pantaloon's pocket, 
 I got hold of my penknife, and, after several ineffectual 
 attempts, at length succeeded in opening it. I then, Avith my left 
 hand, managed to free my right from its fastenings, and after- 
 ward cut the other ropes which held me. Upon attempting, how 
 ever, to move from my position, I found that my legs failed me 
 altogether, and that I could not get up ; neither could I move 
 my right arm in any direction. Upon mentioning this to Parker, 
 he advised me to lie quiet for a few minutes, holding on to the 
 windlass with my left hand, so as to allow time for the blood to 
 circulate. Doing this, the numbness presently began to die away, 
 so that I could move first one of my legs, and then the other, 
 and, shortly afterward, I regained the partial use of my right 
 arm. I now crawled with great caution towards Parker, without 
 getting on my legs, and soon cut loose all the lashings about him, 
 wben, after a short delay, he also recovered the partial use. of 
 his limbs. We now lost no time in getting loose the rope from 
 Peters. It had cut a deep gash through the waistband of his 
 woollen pantaloons, aud through two shirts, and made its way 
 into his groin, from which the blood flowed out copiously as we 
 removed the cordage. No sooner had we removed it, however, 
 than he spoke, and seemed to experience instant relief being 
 able to move with much greater ease than either Parker 
 or myself this was no doubt owing to the discharge ol 
 blood. 
 
 We had little hope that Augustus would recover, as h evinced 
 no signs of life ; but, upon getting to him, we discovered that he 
 had merely swooned from loss of blood, the bandages we had 
 placed around his wounded arm having been torn off by the 
 water; none of the ropes which held him to the windlass were
 
 86 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 drawn sufficiently tight to occasion his death. Having relieved 
 him from the fastenings, and got him clear of the broken wood 
 about the windlass, we secured him in a dry place to windward, 
 with his head somewhat lower than his body, and all three of 
 us busied ourselves in chafing his limbs. In about half an hour 
 he came to himself, although it was not until the next morning 
 that he gave signs of recognizing any of us, or had sufficient 
 strength to speak. By the time we had thus got clear of our 
 lashings it was quite dark, and it began to cloud up, so that we 
 were again in the greatest agony lest it should come on to blow 
 hard, in which event nothing could have saved us from perishing, 
 exhausted as we were. By good fortune it continued very mo- 
 derate during the night, the sea subsiding every minute, which 
 gave us great hopes of ultimate preservation. A gentle breeze 
 still blew from the N. W., but the weather was not at all cold. 
 Augustus was lashed carefully to windward in such a manner as 
 to prevent him from slipping overboard with the rolls of the 
 vessel, as he was still too weak to hold on at all. For ourselves 
 there was no such necessity. We sat close together, supporting 
 each other with the aid of the broken ropes about the windlass, 
 and devising methods of escape from our frightful situation. 
 We derived much comfort from taking off our clothes and wring 
 ing the water from them. When we put them on after this, they 
 felt remarkably warm and pleasant, and served to invigorate us 
 in no little degree. We helped Augustus off with his, and 
 wrung them for him, when he experienced the same comfort. 
 
 Our chief sufferings were now those of hunger and thirst, and, 
 when we looked forward to the means of relief in this respect, 
 our hearts sunk within us, and we were induced to regiet that 
 we had escaped the less dreadful perils of the sea. We endea- 
 vored, however, to console ourselves with the hope of being 
 speedily picked up by some vessel, and encouraged each other to 
 bear with fortitude the evils that might happen. 
 
 The morning of the fourteenth at length dawned, ana the 
 weather still continued clear and pleasant, with a steady but very 
 Light breeze from the N. W. The sea was now quite smooth, 
 and as, from some cause which vfe could not determine, the brig 
 did not lie so much along as she had done before, the deck waa
 
 A. GORDON PVM. 87 
 
 comparatively dry, and we could move about with freedom We 
 had now been better than three entire days and nights without 
 either food or drink, and it became absolutely necessary that we 
 should make an attempt to get up something from below. As 
 the brig was completely full of water, we went to this work des- 
 pondingly, and with but little expectation of being able to obtain 
 anything. We made a kind of drag by driving some nails which 
 we broke out from the remains of the companion-hatch into two 
 pieces of wood. Tying these across each other, and fastening 
 them to the end of a rope, we threw them into the cabin, and 
 dragged them to and fro, in the faint hope of being thus able to 
 entangle some article which might be of use to us for food, or 
 which might at least render us assistance in getting it. We 
 spent the greater part of the morning in this labor without effect, 
 fishing up nothing more than a few bedclothes, which were read- 
 ily caught by the nails. Indeed, our contrivance was so very 
 clumsy, that any greater success was hardly to be anticipated. 
 
 We now tried the forecastle, but equally in vain, and were 
 upon the brink of despair, when Peters proposed that we should 
 fasten a rope to his body, and let him make an attempt to get up 
 something by diving into the cabin. This proposition we hailed 
 with all the delight which reviving hope could inspire. He pro- 
 ceeded immediately to strip off his clothes with the exception of 
 his pantaloons; and a strong rope was then carefully fastened 
 around his middle, being brought up over his shoulders in such a 
 manner that there was no possibility of its slipping. The under- 
 taking was one of great difficulty and danger; for, as we could 
 hardly expect to find much, if any provision in the cabin itself, it 
 was necessary that the diver, after letting himself down, should 
 make a turn to the right, and proceed under water a distance of 
 ten or twelve feet, in a narrow passage, to the storeroom, and 
 return, without drawing breath. 
 
 Everything being ready, Peters now descended into the cabin, 
 going down the companion-ladder until the water reached his 
 chin. He then plunged in, head first, turning to the right as he 
 plunged, and endeavoring to make his way to the storeroom. In 
 this first attempt, however, he was altogether unsuccessful. In 
 less than half a minute after his going down we felt the rope
 
 88 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 jerked violently (the signal we had agreed upon when he desired 
 to be <!rawn up). We accordingly drew him up instantly, but so 
 incautiously as to bruise him badly against the ladder. He had 
 brought nothing with him, and had been unable to penetrate more 
 than a very little way into the passage, owing to the constant exer- 
 tions he found it necessary to make in order to keep himself from 
 floating up against the deck. Upon getting out he was very 
 much exhausted, and had to rest full fifteen minutes before he 
 could again venture to descend. 
 
 The second attempt met with even worse success ; for he re- 
 mained so long under water without giving the signal, that, 
 becoming alarmed for his safety, we drew him out without it, and 
 found that he was almost at the last gasp, having, as he said, re- 
 peatedly jerked at the rope without our feeling it. This was 
 probably owing to a portion of it having become entangled in the 
 balustrade at the foot of the ladder. This balustrade was, indeedi 
 BO much in the way, that we determined to remove it, if possible, 
 before proceeding with our design. As we had no means of get- 
 ting it away except by main force, we all descended into the 
 water as far as we could on the ladder, and giving a pull against 
 it with our united strength, succeeded in breaking it down. 
 
 The third attempt was equally unsuccessful with the two first, 
 and it now became evident that nothing could be done in this 
 manner without the aid of some weight with which the diver 
 might steady himself, and keep to the floor of the cabin while 
 making his search. For a long time we looked about in vain for 
 something which might answer this purpose : but at length, to our 
 great joy, we discovered one of the weather-forechains so loose that 
 we had not the least difficulty in wrenching it off. Having fast- 
 ened this securely to one of his ankels, Peters now made his 
 fourth descent into the cabin, and this time succeeded in making 
 his way to the door of the steward's room. To his inexpressible 
 grief, however, he found it locked, and was obliged to return 
 without effecting an entrance, as, with the greatest exertion, he 
 could remain under water not more, at the utmost extent, than a 
 single minute. Our affairs now looked gloomy indeed, and nei- 
 ther Augustus nor myself could refrain, from bursting into tears, 
 as we thought of the host of difficulties which encompassed us.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. yj 
 
 and the slight probability which existed of our finally making nn 
 escape. But this weakness was not of long duration. Throwing 
 ourselves on our knees to God, we implored his aid in the many 
 dangers which beset us ; and arose with renewed hope and vigor 
 to think what could yet be done by mortal means towards ac- 
 complishing our deliverance. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 SHORTLY afterwaid an incident occurred which I am induced 
 to look upon as more intensely productive of emotion, as far more 
 replete with the extremes first of delight and then of horror, thai) 
 even any of the thousand chances which afterward befell me iii 
 nine long years, crowded with events of the most startling, and, 
 in many cases, of the most unconceived and unconceivable char- 
 acter. We were lying on the deck near the companion-way, and 
 debating the possibility of yet making our way into the store- 
 room, when,, looking towards Augustus, who lay fronting myself 
 I perceived that he had become all at once deadly pale, and that 
 his lips were quivering in the most singular and unaccountable 
 manner. Greatly alarmed, I spoke to him, but he made me no 
 reply, and I was beginning to think that he was suddenly taken 
 ill, when I took notice of his eyes, which were glaring appa- 
 rently at some object behind me. I turned my head, and shall 
 never forget the ecstatic joy which thrilled through every particle 
 of my frame, when I perceived a large brig bearing down upon 
 us, and not more than a couple of miles off. I sprung to my feet 
 as if a musket bullet had suddenly struck me to the heart ; and, 
 stretching out my arms in the direction of the vessel, stood in this 
 manner, motionless, and unable to articulate a syllable. Peters and 
 Parker were equally affected, although in different ways. The 
 former danced about the deck like a madman, uttering the most 
 extravagant rhodornontades, intermingled with howls and impre- 
 cations, while the latter burst into tears, and continued for many 
 minutes weeping like a child.
 
 90 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 The vessel in sight was a large hermaphrodite brig, of a DuleTi 
 build, and painted black, with a tawdry gilt figurehead. She 
 had evidently seen a good deal of rough weather, and, we sup- 
 posed, had suffered much in the gale which had proved so disas- 
 trous to ourselves ; for her foretopmast was gone, and some of 
 her starboard bulwarks. When we first saw her, she was, as I 
 have already said, about two miles off and to windward, bearing 
 down upon us. The breeze was very gentle, and what astonished 
 us chiefly was, that she had no other sails set than her foresail 
 and mainsail, with a flying jib of course she came down but 
 slowly, and our impatience amounted nearly to phrensy. The 
 awkward manner in which she steered, too, was remarked by all 
 of us, even excited as we were. She yawed about so conside- 
 rably, that once or twice we thought it impossible she could see 
 us, or imagined that, having seen us, and discovered no person 
 on board, she was about to tack and make off in another direc- 
 tion. Upon each of these occasions we screamed and shouted 
 at the top of our voices, when the stranger would appear to 
 change for a moment her intention, and again hold on towards 
 us this singular conduct being repeated two or three times, so 
 that at last we could think of no other manner of accounting 
 for it than by supposing the helmsman to be in liquor. 
 
 No person was seen upon her decks until she arrived within 
 about a quarter of a mile of us. We then saw three seamen, 
 whom by their dress we took to be Hollanders. Two of these 
 were lying on some old sails near the forecastle, and the third, 
 who appeared to be looking at us with great curiosity, was lean- 
 ing over the starboard bow near the bowsprit. This last was a 
 stout and tall man, with a very dark skin. He seemed by his 
 manner to be encouraging us to have patience, nodding to us in 
 a cheerful although rather odd way, and smiling constantly, so 
 as to display a set of the most brilliantly white teeth. As his 
 vessel drew nearer, we saw a red flannel cap which he had on 
 fall from his head into the water ; but of this he took little or n i 
 notice, continuing his odd smiles and gesticulations. I relate 
 these things and circumstances minutely, and I relate them, il 
 must be understood, precisely as they appeared to us. 
 
 The brig came on slowly, and now more steadily than beforei
 
 A. GORDON PYM 91 
 
 ind- -I cannot speak calmly of this event our hearts leaped up 
 wildly within us, and we poured out our whole souls in shouts 
 and thanksgiving to God for the complete, unexpected, and glo- 
 rious deliverance that was so palpably at hand. Of a sudden, 
 and all at once, there came wafted over the ocean from the strange 
 vessel (which was now close upon us) a smell, a stench, such as 
 the whole world has no name for no conception of hellish 
 utterly suffocating insufferable, inconceivable. I gasped for 
 breath, and turning to my companions, perceived that they were 
 paler than ma'rble. But we had now no time left for question 
 or surmise the brig was within fifty feet of us. and it seemed to be 
 her intention to run under our counter, that we might beard her 
 without her putting out a boat. We rushed aft, when, suddenly, a 
 wide yaw threw her off full five or six points from the course she 
 had been running, and, as she passed under our stern at the distance 
 of about twenty feet, we had a full view of her decks. Shall I 
 ever forget the triple horror of that spectacle ? Twenty-five or 
 thirty human bodies, among whom were several females, lay 
 scattered about between the counter and the galley in the last 
 and most loathsome state of putrefaction. We plainly saw that 
 not a soul lived in that fated vessel ! Yet we could not help 
 s-houting to the dead for help ! Yes, long and loudly did we beg, 
 in the agony of the moment, that those silent and disgusting 
 images would stay for us, would not abandon us to become like 
 them, would receive us among their goodly company ! We were 
 raving with horror and despair thoroughly mad through the 
 anguish of our grievous disappointment. 
 
 As our first loud yell of terror broke forth, it was replied to 
 by something, from near the bowsprit of the stranger, so closely 
 resembling the scream of a human voice that the nicest ear 
 might have been startled and deceived. At this instant another 
 sudden yaw brought the region of the forecastle for a moment 
 into view, and we beheld at once the origin of the sound. We 
 saw the tall stout figure still leaning on the bulwark, and still 
 nodding his head to and fro, but his face was now turned from us 
 so that we could not behold it. His arms were extended over 
 the rail, and the palms of his hands fell outward. His knees 
 were lodged upon a stout rope, tightly stretched, and reaching
 
 92 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 from the heel of the bowsprit to a cathead. Out his back, from 
 which a portion of the shirt had been torn, leaving it bare, there, 
 sat a huge seagull, busily gorging itself with the horrible flesh, its 
 bill and talons deep buried, and its white plumage spattered all 
 over with blood. As the brig moved further round so as to bring 
 us close in view, the bird, with much apparent difficulty, drew 
 out its crimsoned head, and, after eying us for a moment as if 
 etupefied, arose lazily from the body upon which it had been feast- 
 ing, and, flying directly above our deck, hovered there a while 
 with a portion of clotted and liver-like substance in its beak. 
 The horrid morsel dropped at length with a sullen splash imme- 
 diately at the feet of Parker. May God forgive me, but now, 
 for the first time, ihere flashed through my mind a thought, a 
 thought which I will not mention, and I felt myself making a 
 step towards the ensanguined spot. I looked upward, and the 
 eyes of Augustus met my own with a degree of intense and 
 eager meaning which immediately brought me to my senses. I 
 sprang forward quickly, and, with a deep shudder, threw the, 
 frightful thing into the sea. 
 
 The body from which it had been taken, resting as it did 
 upon the rope, had been easily swayed to and fro by the 
 exertions of the carnivorous bird, and it was this motion which 
 had at first impressed us with the belief of its being alive. 
 As the gull relieved it of its weight, it swung i-ound and fell 
 partially over, so that the face was fully discovered. Never, 
 surely, was any object so terribly full of awe ! The eyes were 
 gone, and the whole flesh around the mouth, leaving the teetb 
 utterly naked. This, then, was the smile which had cheered us 
 on to hope ! this the but I forbear. The brig, as I have already 
 told, passed under our stern, and made its way slowly but stea- 
 dily to leeward. With her and with her terrible crew went all 
 our gay visions of deliverance and joy. Deliberately as she went 
 by, we might possibly have found means of boarding her, had 
 not our sudden disappointment, and the appalling nature of the 
 discovery which accompanied it, laid entirely prostrate every 
 active faculty of mind and body. We had seen and felt, but we 
 <;ould neither think nor act, until, alas, too late. How much our 
 intellects hud been weakened by this incident may be estimated
 
 A. GORDON P M. 
 
 'J3 
 
 by the tact, that when the vessel had proceeded sc far that we 
 could perceive no more than the half of her hull, the proposi- 
 tion was seriously entertained of attempting to overtake her by 
 swimming ! 
 
 I have, since this period, vainly endeavored to obtain some 
 clew to the hideous uncertainty which enveloped the fate of the 
 stranger. Her build and general appearance, as I have before 
 stated, led us to the belief that she was a Dutch trader, and the 
 dresses of the crew also sustained this opinion. We might have 
 easily seen the name upon her stern, and, indeed, taken other 
 observations, which would have guided us in* making out her 
 character ; but the intense excitement of the moment blinded 
 us to everything of that nature. From the saffron-like hue of 
 such of the corpses as were not entirely decayed, we concluded 
 that the whole of her company had perished by the yellow fever, 
 or some other virulent disease of the same fearful kind. If such 
 were the ease (and I know not what e'se to imagine), death, to 
 judge from the positions of the bodies, must have come upon 
 them in a manner awfully sudden and overwhelming, in a way 
 totally distinct from that which generally characterizes even thn 
 most deadly pestilences with which mankind are acquainted. 
 Jt is possible, indeed, that poison, accidentally introduced into 
 some of their sea-stores, may have brought about the disaster ; 
 or that the eating some unknown venomous species of fish, or 
 other marine animal, or oceanic bird, might have induced it but 
 it is utterly useless to form conjectures where all is involved, and 
 will, no doubt, remain for ever involved, in the most appalling 
 and unfathomable mystery. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 E spent the remainder of the day in a condition of stupid 
 lethargy, gazing after the retreating vessel until the darkness, 
 hiding her from our sight, recalled us in some measure to our 
 senses. The pangs of hunger and thirst then returned, absorbing 
 all other cares and considerations. Nothing, however, could be 
 done until the morning, and, sftwring ourselves as well as possi'
 
 91 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 ble, we endeavored to snatch a little repose. In this I succeeded 
 beyond my expectations, sleeping until my companions, who had 
 not been so fortunate, aroused me at daybreak to renew our 
 attempts at getting up provision from the hull. 
 
 It was now a dead calm, with the sea as smooth as I have ver 
 known it the weather warm and pleasant. The brig was out 
 of sight. We commenced our operations by wrenching off, with 
 some trouble, another of the forechains ; and having fastened 
 both to Peters's feet, he again made an endeavor to reach the 
 door of the store-room, thinking it possible that he might be able 
 to force it open, provided he could get at it in sufficient time ; 
 and this he hoped to do, as the hulk lay much more steadily than 
 before. 
 
 He succeeded very quickly in reaching the door, when, loosen- 
 ing one of the chains from his ankle, he made every exertion to 
 force a passage with it, but in vain, the framework of the room 
 Doing far stronger than was anticipated. He was quite exhaust- 
 ed with his long stay under water, and it became absolutely 
 necessary that some other one of us should take his place. For 
 this service Parker immediately volunteered ; but, after making 
 three ineffectual efforts, found that he could never even succeed 
 in getting near the door. The condition of Augustus's wounded 
 arm rendered it useless for him to attempt going down, as he 
 would be unable to force the room open should he reach it, and 
 it accordingly now devolved upon me to exert myself for our 
 common deliverance. 
 
 Peters had left one of the chains in the passage, and I found, 
 upon plunging in, that I had not sufficient balance to keep me 
 firmly clown. I determined, therefore, to attempt no more, in my 
 first effort, than merely to recover the other chain. In groping 
 along the floor of the passage for this, I felt a hard substance, 
 which I immediately grasped, not having time to ascertain what 
 it was, but returning and ascending instantly to the surface. The 
 prize proved to be a bottle, and our joy may be conceived when 
 I say that it was found to be full of Port wine. Giving thanks 
 to God for this timely and cheering assistance, we immediately 
 drew the cork with my penknife, and, each taking a moderate 
 up, felt the most indescribable comfort from the warmth, strength.
 
 A GORDON PYM. 95 
 
 Rnd spirits with which it inspired us. We then carefully re- 
 corked the bottle, and, by means of a handkerchief, swung it in 
 such a manner that there was no possibility of its getting 
 broken. 
 
 Having rested a while after this fortunate discovery, I again 
 descended, and now recovered the chain, with which I instantly 
 came up. I then fastened it on and went down for the third 
 time, when I became fully satisfied that no exertions whatever 
 in that situation, would enable me to force open the door of the 
 store-room. I therefore returned in despair. 
 
 There seemed now to be no longer any room for hope, and 1 
 could perceive in the countenances of my companions that they 
 had made up their minds to perish. The wine had evidently 
 produced in them a species of delirium, which, perhaps, I had 
 been prevented from feeling by the immersion I had undergone 
 since drinking it. They talked incoherently, and about matters 
 unconnected with our condition, Peters repeatedly asking me 
 questions about Nantucket. Augustus, too, I remember, ap- 
 proached me with a serious air, and requested me to lend him a 
 pocket-comb, as his hair was full of fish-scales, and he wished to 
 get them out before going on shore. Parker appeared somewhat 
 less affected, and urged me to dive at random into the cabin, and 
 bring up any article which might come to hand. To this I con- 
 sented, and, in the first attempt, after staying under a full minute, 
 brought up a small leather trunk belonging to Captain Barnard. 
 This was immediately opened in the faint hope that it might con- 
 tain something to eat or drink. We found nothing, however, 
 except a box of razors and two linen shirts. I now went down 
 again, and returned without any success. As my head came 
 above water I heard a crash on deck, and, upon getting up, saw 
 that my companions had ungratefully taken advantage of my 
 absence to drink the remainder of the wine, having let the bottle 
 fall in the endeavor to replace it before I saw them. I re- 
 monstrated with them on the heartlessness of their conduct, when 
 Augustus burst into tears. The other two endeavored to laygh 
 the matter off as a joke, but I hope never again to behold laugh- 
 ter of such a species : the distortion of countenance was absolutely 
 frightful. Indeed, it was apparent that the stimulus, in the
 
 % NARRATIVE OF 
 
 empty state of their stomachs, had taken instant and violent ef- 
 fect, and that they were all exceedingly intoxicated. With great 
 difficulty I prevailed upon them to lie down, when they fell very 
 soon into a heavy slumber, accompanied with load stertorous 
 breathing. 
 
 I now found myself, as it were, alone in the brig, and my re- 
 flections, to be sure, were of the most fearful and gloomy nature. 
 No prospect offered itself to my view but a lingering death by 
 famine, or, at the best, by being overwhelmed in the first gale 
 which should spring up, for in our present exhausted condition 
 we could have no hope of living through another. 
 
 The gnawing hunger which I now experienced was nearly 
 insupportable, and I felt myself capable of going to any lengths 
 in order to appease it. With my knife I cut off a small portion 
 of the leather trunk, and endeavored to eat it, but found it utterly 
 impossible to swallow a single morsel, although I fancied that 
 some little alleviation of my suffering was obtained by chewing 
 small pieces of it and spitting them out. Towards night my 
 companions awoke, one by one, each in an indescribable state of 
 weakness and horror, brought on by the wine, whose fumes had 
 now evaporated. They shook as if with a violent ague, and 
 uttered the most lamentable cries for water. Their condition 
 affected me in the most lively degree, at the same time causing 
 me to rejoice in the fortunate train of circumstances which had 
 prevented me from indulging in the wine, and consequently 
 fi'om sharing their melancholy and most distressing sensations. 
 Their conduct, however, gave me great uneasiness and alarm ; 
 for it was evident that, unless some favorable change took place, 
 they could afford me no assistance in providing for our common 
 safety. I had not yet abandoned all idea of being able to get up 
 something from below ; but the attempt could not possibly be re- 
 sumed until some one of them was sufficiently master of himself 
 to aid me by holding the end of the rope while I went down. 
 Parker appeared to be somewhat more in possession of his senses 
 than the others, and I endeavored, by every means in my power, 
 to arouse him. Thinking that a plunge in the sea-water might 
 have a beneficial effect, I contrived to fasten the end of a rope 
 around his body, and then, hading him to the companion-way
 
 A. GORDON PY-M. 97 
 
 (he remaining quite passive all the while), pushed him in, and 
 immediately drew him out. I had good reason to congratulate 
 myself upon having made this experiment ; for he appeared much 
 revived and invigorated, and, upon getting out, asked me, in a 
 rational'manner, why I had so served him. Having explained 
 my object, he expressed himself indebted to me, and said that he 
 felt greatly better from the immersion, afterward conversing 
 sensibly upon our situation. We then resolved to treat Augustus 
 and Peters in the same way, which we immediately did, when 
 they both experienced much benefit from the shock. This idea 
 of sudden immersion had been suggested to me by reading in 
 some medical work the good effect of the shower-bath in a case 
 where the patient was suffering from mania a potu. 
 
 Finding that I could now trust my companions to hold the end 
 of the rope, I again made three or four plunges into the cabin, 
 although it was now quite dark, and a gentle but long swell from 
 the northward rendered the hulk somewhat unsteady. In the 
 course of these a tempts I succeeded in bringing up two case* 
 knives, a three-gallon jug, empty, and a blanket, but nothing 
 which could serve us for food. I continued my efforts, after 
 getting these articles, until I was completely exhausted, but 
 brought up nothing else. During the night Parker and Peters 
 
 O JT O O - O 
 
 occupied themselves by turns in the same manner; but nothing 
 coming to hand, we now gave up this attempt in despair, con- 
 cluding that we were exhausting ourselves in vain. 
 
 We passed the remainder of this night in a state of the most 
 intense mental and bodily anguish that can possibly be imagined. 
 The morning of the sixteenth at length dawned, and we looked 
 eagerly around the horizon for relief, but to no purpose. The 
 si -a was still smooth, with only a long swell from the northward, 
 as on yesterday. This was the sixth day since we had tasted 
 either food or drink, with the exception of the bottle of Port 
 wine, and it was clear that we could hold out but a very little 
 while longer unless something could be obtained. I never saw 
 before, nor wish to see again, human beings so utterly emaciated 
 as Peters and Augustus. Had I met them on shore in their 
 p.'-esent condition I should not have had the slightest suspicion 
 that I had ever beheld them Their countenances were totally
 
 98 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 changed in character, so that I could not bring myself to believe 
 them really the same individuals with whom I had been in com- 
 pany but a few days before. Parker, although sadly reduced, 
 and so feeble that he could not raise his head from his bosom, 
 was not so far gone as the other two. He suffered with great 
 patience, making no complaint, and endeavoring to inspire us 
 tvith hope in every manner he could devise. For myself, al- 
 though at the commencement of the voyage I had been in bad 
 health, and was at all times of a delicate constitution, I suffered 
 less than any of us, being much less reduced in frame, and 
 retaining my powers of mind in a surprising degree, while the 
 rest were completely prostrated in intellect, and seemed to be 
 brought to a species of second childhood, generally simpering 
 in their expressions, with idiotic smiles, and uttering the most 
 absurd platitudes. At intervals, however, they would appear to 
 revive suddenly, as if inspired all at once with a consciousness 1 
 of their condition, when they would spring upon their feet in a 
 momentary flash of vigor, and speak, for a short period, of their 
 prospects, in a manner altogether rational, although full of the 
 most intense despair. It is possible, however, that my compan 
 ions may have entertained the same opinion of their own condi- 
 tion as I did of mine, and that I may have unwittingly been guilty 
 of the same extravagances and imbecilities as themselves this 
 is a matter which cannot be determined. 
 
 About noon Parker declared that he saw land off the larboard 
 'Uiurter, and it was with the utmost difficulty I could restrain 
 him from plunging into the sea with the view of swimming 
 towards it. Peters and Augustus took little notice of what he 
 -aid, being apparently wrapped up in moody contemplation. 
 Upon looking in the direction pointed out, I could not perceive 
 the faintest appearance of the shore indeed, I was too well 
 aware that we were far from any land to indulge in a hope oi 
 that nature. It was a long time, nevertheless, before I could 
 convince Parker of l.is mistake. He then burst into n flood of 
 tears, weeping like a child, with loud cries and sobs, for two 01 
 three hours, when, becoming exhausted, he fell asleep. 
 
 Peters and Augustus now made several ineffectual efforts to 
 swallow portions of the leathei T advised them to chew it and
 
 A. GORDON PYM. yg 
 
 spit, il out ; bu! they were too excessively debilitated to be able 
 to follow my ad\iee. I continued to chew pieces of it at inter- 
 vals, and found some relief from so doing; my chief distress was 
 tor water, and 1 was only prevented from taking a draught from 
 tne sea by remembering the horrible consequences which thus 
 have resulted to others who were similarly situated with ourselves. 
 
 The day wore on in this manner, when I suddenly discovered a 
 sail to the eastward, and on our larboard bow. She appeared lo 
 be a large ship, and was coming nearly athwart us, being pro- 
 bably twelve or fifteen miles distant. Tsone of my companions 
 had as yet discovered her, and I forbore to tell them of her for 
 the present, lest we might again be disappointed ef relief. At 
 length, upon her getting nearer, I saw distinctly that she was 
 heading immediately for us, with her light sails filled. I could 
 now contain myself no longer, and pointed her out to my fellow- 
 sutlerers. They immediately sprang to their feet, again indul- 
 ging in the most extravagant demonstrations of joy, weeping, 
 laughing in an idiotic manner, jumping, stamping upon the deck, 
 tearing their hair, and praying and cursing by turns. I was so 
 affected by their conduct, as well as by what I now considered a 
 sure prospect of deliverance, that I could not refrain from joining 
 in with their madness, and gave way to the impulses of my 
 gratitude and ecstasy by lying and rolling on the deck, clapping 
 my hands, shouting, and other similar acts, until I was suddenly 
 called to my recollection, and once more to the extreme of human 
 misery and despair, by perceiving the ship all at once with her 
 stern fully presented towards us, and steering in a direction 
 nearly opposite to that in which I had at first perceived her. 
 
 It was some time before I could induce my poor companions to 
 believe that this sad reverse in our prospects had actually taken 
 place. They replied to all my assertions with a stare and a gest- 
 ure implying that they were not to be deceived by such misre- 
 presentations. The conduct of Augustus most sensibly affected 
 me. In spite of all I could say or do to the contrary, he per- 
 bisted in saying that the ship was rapidly nearing us, and in 
 making preparations to go on board of her. Some sea-weed 
 Heating by the brig, he maintained that it was the ship's boat, 
 and endeavored to throw himself upon it, howling and shrieking
 
 100 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 in the most heart-rending manner, when I forcibly restrained him 
 from thus casting himself into the sea. 
 
 Having become in some degree pacified, we continued to 
 watch the ship until we finally lost sight of her, the weather 
 becoming hazy, with a light breeze springing up. As soon as 
 she was entirely gone, Parker turned suddenly towards me with 
 an expression of countenance which made me shudder. There 
 was about him an air of self-possession which I had not noticed 
 in him until now, and before he opened his lips my heart told roe 
 what he would say. He proposed, in a few words, that one of 
 us should die to preserve the existence of the others. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 i 
 
 1 HAD, for sometime past, dwelt upon the prospect of our beii;g 
 reduced to this last horrible extremity, and had secretly made up 
 my mind to suffer death in any shape or under any circumstan- 
 ce*; rather than resort to such a course. Nor was this resolution 
 in any degree weakened by the present intensity of hunger under 
 which I labored. The proposition had not been heard by either 
 Peters or Augustus. I therefore took Parker aside ; and men- 
 tally praying to God for power to dissuade him from the horrible 
 purpose he entertained, I expostulated with him for a long time, 
 and in the most supplicating manner, begging him in the name 
 of everything which he held sacred, and urging him by every 
 species of argument which the extremity of the case suggested, 
 to abandon the idea, and not to mention it to either of the other 
 two. 
 
 He heard all I said without attempting to controvert any of 
 my arguments, and I had begun to hope that he would be pre- 
 vailed upon to do as I desired. But when I had ceased speaking, 
 he said that he knew very well all I had said was true, and thai 
 to resort to such a course was the most horrible alternative which 
 could enter into the mind of man ; but that he had now held out 
 ufi long as human nature could be sustained ; that it was unne- 
 cessary for all to perish, when, by the death of one, it was
 
 A. GORDON PVM. 101 
 
 possible, and even probable, that the rest might be finally pre- 
 served ; adding that I might save myself the trouble of trying to 
 turn him from his purpose, his mind having been thoroughly 
 made up on the subject even before the appearance of the ship, 
 and that only her heaving in sight had prevented him from 
 mentioning his intention at an earlier period. 
 
 I now begged him, if he would not be prevailed upon to abandon 
 his design, at least to defer it for another day, when some vessel 
 might come to our relief; again reiterating every argument 1 
 could devise, and which I thought likely to have influence with 
 one of his rough nature. He said, in reply, that he had not 
 spoken until the very last possible moment ; that he could exist 
 no longer without sustenance of some kind ; and that therefore in 
 another day his suggestion would be too late, as regarded himself 
 at least. 
 
 Finding that he was not to be moved by anything I could say 
 in a mild tone, I now assumed a different demearor, and told him 
 Jjiat he must be aware I had suffered less than any of us from 
 our calamities ; that my health and strength, cons ^quently, were 
 at that moment far better than his own, or than that either of 
 Peters or Augustus; in short, that I was in a condition to have 
 my own way by force if I found it necessary ; and that, if he 
 attempted in any manner to acquaint the others w'th his bloody 
 and cannibal designs, I would not hesitate to throw him into the 
 sea. Upon this he immediately seized me by the throat, and 
 drawing a knife, made several ineffectual efforts to stab me in 
 the stomach ; an atrocity which his excessive debility alone pre- 
 vented him from accomplishing. In the mean time, being roused 
 to a high pitch of anger, I forced him to the vessel's side, with 
 the full intention of throwing him overboard. He was savec* 
 from this fate, however, by the interference of Peters, who now 
 approached and separated us, asking the cause of the d'sturbance. 
 This Parker told before I could find means in any manner to 
 prevent him. 
 
 The effect of his words was even more terrible than what I 
 had anticipated. Both Augustus and Peters, who, it seem*, had 
 long secretly entertained the same fearful idea which Parker had 
 been merely the first to broach Coined with him in his design
 
 102 . NARRATIVE OF 
 
 and insisted upon its immediately being carried into effect. 1 
 had calculated that one at least of the two former would be found 
 still possessed of sufficient strength of mind to side with myself 
 in resisting any attempt to execute so dreadful a purpose ; and, 
 with the aid of either one of them, I had no fear of being able to 
 prevent its accomplishment. Being disappointed in this expec- 
 tation, it became absolutely necessary that I should attend to my 
 own safety, as a further resistance on my part might possibly be 
 considered by men in their frightful condition a sufficient excuse 
 for refusing me fair play in the tragedy that I knew would 
 speedily be enacted. 
 
 I now told them I was willing to submit to the proposal, 
 merely requesting a delay of about one hour, in order that the 
 fng which had gathered around us might have an opportunity of 
 It fting, when it was possible that the ship we had seen might be again 
 in sight. After great difficulty I obtained from them a promise 
 to wait thus long; and, as I had anticipated (a breeze rapidly 
 corning in), the fog lifted before the hour had expired, when, no 
 vessel appearing in sight, we prepared to draw lots. 
 
 It is with extreme reluctance that I dwell upon the appalling 
 scene which ensued ; a scene which, with its minutest details, no 
 after events have been able to efface in the slightest degree from 
 my memory, and whose stern recollection will embitter every 
 luture moment of my existence. Let me run over this portion of 
 my narrative with as much haste as the nature of the events to 
 be spoken of will permit. The only method we could devise for 
 the terrific lottery, in which we were to take each a chance, was 
 that of drawing straws. Small splinters of wood were made to 
 answer our purpose, and it was agreed that I should be the hold- 
 er. I retired to one end of the hulk, while my poor companions 
 silently took up their station in the other with their backs turned 
 towards me. The bitterest anxiety which I endured at any 
 period of this fearful drama was while I occupied myself in the 
 arrangement of the lots. There are few conditions into whi'ih 
 man can possibly fall where he will not feel a deep interest in 
 the preservation of his existence ; an interest momentarily in- 
 creasing with the frailness of the tenure by which that existence 
 may be held. But now that the silent, definite, and stern nature
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 103 
 
 of the business in which I was engaged (so different from Hie 
 tumultuous dangers of the storm or the gradually approaching 
 horrors of famine) allowed me to reflect on the few chances I had 
 of escaping the most appalling of deaths a death for the most 
 appalling of purposes every particle of that energy which had 
 so long buoyed me up departed like feathers before the wind, 
 leaving me a helpless prey to the most abject and pitiable terror. 
 I could not, at first, even summon up sufficient strength to tear 
 and fit together the small splinters of wood, my fingers absolutely 
 refusing their office, and my knees knocking violently against 
 each other. My mind ran over rapidly a thousand absurd pro- 
 jects by which to avoid becoming a partner in the awful specu- 
 lation. I thought of falling on my knees to my companions, and 
 entreating them to let me escape this necessity ; of suddenly 
 rushing upon them, and, by putting one of them to death, of 
 rendering the decision by lot useless in short, of everything but 
 of going through with the matter I had in hand. At last, after 
 wasting a long time in this imbecile conduct, I wao recalled to 
 my senses by the voice of Parker, who urged me io relieve them 
 at once from the terrible anxiety they were ensuring. Even 
 then I could not bring myself to arrange the spi-iitfirs upon the 
 spot, but thought over every species of finesse by which I could trick 
 some one of my fellow-sufferers to draw the short straw, as it had 
 been agreed that whoever drew the shortest of four splinters from 
 my hand was to die for the preservation of the rest. Before any 
 one condemn me for this apparent heartlessness, let him be 
 placed in a situation precisely similar to my own. 
 
 At length delay was no longer possible, and, with a heart 
 almo>t bursting from my bosom, I advanced to the region of the 
 forecastle, where my companions were awaiting me. I held out 
 my hand with the splinters, and Peters immediately drew. He 
 was free his. at least, was not the shortest; and there was now 
 another chance against my escape. I summoned up all my 
 strength, and passed the lots to Augustus. He also drew imme- 
 diately, and he also was free; and now, whether I should live or 
 Ik.-, the chances were no more than precisely even. At this mo- 
 ment all the fierceness of the tiger possessed my bosom, and I 
 felt toward? my poor fellow-creature. Parker, the most intense,
 
 104 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 the most diabolical hatred. But the fueling did not la^t ; and, at 
 length, with a convulsive shudder and closed eyes, 1 held out the 
 two remaining splinters towards him. It was full five minutes 
 before he could summon resolution to draw, during which period 
 of heart-rending suspense I never once opened my eyes. Pres- 
 entlv one of the two lots was quickly drawn from my hand. The 
 decision was then over, yet I knew not whether it was for me or 
 norainst me. No one spoke, and still I dared not satisfy myself 
 by looking at the splinter I held. Peters at length took me by 
 the hand, and I forced myself to look up, when I immediately 
 saw by the countenance of Parker that I was safe, and that he it 
 was who had been doomed to suffer. Gasping for breath, I fell 
 senseless to the deck. 
 
 I recovered from my swoon in time to behold the consumma- 
 tion of the tragedy in the death of him who had been chiefly 
 instrumental in bringing it about. He made no resistance what- 
 ever, and was stabbed in the back by Peters, when he fell 
 instantly dead. I must not dwell upon the fearful repast which 
 immediately ensued. Such things may be imagined, but words 
 have no power to impress the mind with the exquisite horror of 
 their reality. Let it suffice to say that, having in some measure 
 appeased the raging thirst which consumed us by the blood of 
 the victim, and having by common consent taken off the hands, 
 feet and head, throwing them together with the entrails, into the 
 sea, we devoured the rest of the body, piecemeal, during the four 
 ever memorable days of the seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, 
 and twentieth of the month. 
 
 On the nineteenth, there coming on a smart shower which 
 lasted fifteen or twenty minutes, we contrived to catch soma 
 water by means of a sheet which had been fished up from the 
 cabin by our drag just after the gale. The quantity we took in 
 all did not amount to more than half a gallon; but even this 
 i-eanty allowance supplied us with comparative strength and 
 hope. 
 
 On the twenty-first we were again reduced to the last neces- 
 sity. The weather still remained warm and pleasant, with 
 occasional fogs and light breezes, most usually from N. to W. 
 
 On the twenty-second, as we were sitting close huddled
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 105 
 
 together, gloomily revolving over our lamentabk condition, therti 
 flashed through my mind all at once an idea which inspired m 
 with a bright gleam of hope. I remembered that, when the 
 foremast had been cut away, Peters, being in the windward 
 chains, passed one of the axes into my hand, requesting me to 
 put it, if possible, in a place of security, and that a few minutes 
 before the last heavy sea struck the brig and filled her I had 
 taken this axe into the forecastle and laid it in one of the lar- 
 board berths. I now thought it possible that, by getting at this 
 axe, we might cut through the deck over the store-room, and thus 
 readily supply ourselves with provisions. 
 
 When I communicated this project to my companions, they 
 uttered a feeble shout of joy, and we all proceeded forthwith to 
 the forecastle. The difficulty of descending here was greater 
 than that of going down in the cabin, the opening being much 
 smaller, for it will be remembered that the whole framework 
 about the cabin companion-hatch had been carried away, where- 
 as the forecastle-way, being a simple hatch of only about three 
 feet square, had remained uninjured. I did not hesitate, how- 
 ever, to attempt the descent ; and, a rope being fastened round my 
 body as before, I plunged boldly in, feet foremost, made my way 
 quickly to the berth, and, at the very first attempt, brought up 
 the axe. It was hailed with the most ecstatic joy and triumph, 
 and the ease with which it had been obtained was regarded as 
 an omen of our ultimate preservation. 
 
 We now commenced cutting at the deck with all the energy 
 of rekindled hope, Peters and myself taking the axe by turn?, 
 Augustus's wounded arm not permitting him to aid us in any 
 degree. As we were still so feeble as to be scarce!) able to 
 stand unsupported, and could consequently work but a minute or 
 two without resting, it soon became evident that many long hours 
 would be requisite to accomplish our task that is, to cut an 
 opening sufficiently large to admit of a free access to the store- 
 room. This consideration, however, did not discourage us ; and, 
 working all night by the light of the moon, we succeeded in 
 effecting our purpose by daybreak on the morning of the twenty- 
 third. 
 
 Peters now volunteered to gra down ; and, having made all
 
 106 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 arrangements as before, he descended, and soon returned, bring- 
 ing up with him a small jar, which, to our great joy, proved to 
 be full of olives. Having shared these among us, and devoured 
 them with the greatest avidity, we proceeded to let him down 
 again. This time he succeeded beyond our utmost expectations, 
 returning instantly with a large ham and a bottle of Madeira 
 wine. Of the latter we each took a moderate sup, having 
 learned by experience the pernicious consequences of indulging 
 too freely. The ham, except about two pounds near the bone, 
 was not in a condition to be eaten, having been entirely spoiled 
 by the salt water. The sound part was divided among us. 
 Peters and Augustus, not being able to restrain their appetite, 
 swallowed theirs upon the instant ; but I was more cautious, and 
 ate but a small portion of mine, dreading the thirst which I knew 
 would ensue. We now rested a while from our labors, which 
 had been intolerably severe. 
 
 By noon, feeling somewhat strengthened- and refreshed, we 
 again renewed our attempt at getting up provision, Peters and 
 myself going down alternately, and always with more or less 
 success, until sundown. During this interval we had the good 
 fortune to bring up, altogether, four more small jar of olives, 
 another ham, a carboy containing nearly three gallons of excel- 
 lent Cape Madeira wine, and, what gave us still more deligat, 
 a small tortoise of the Gallipago breed, several of which had 
 been taken on board by Captain Barnard, as the Grampus was 
 leaving port, from the schooner Mary Pitts, just returned from a 
 sealing voyage in the Pacific. 
 
 In a subsequent portion of this narrative I shall have fre- 
 quent occasion to mention this species of tortoise. It is found 
 principally, as most of my readers may know, in the group of 
 islands called the Gallipagos which, indeed, derive their name 
 from the animal the Spanish word Gallipago meaning a fresh- 
 water terapin. From the peculiarity of their shape and action 
 they have been sometimes called the elephant tortoise. They 
 are frequently found of an enormous size. I have myself seen 
 several which would weigh from twelve to fifteen hundred pounds, 
 although I do not remember that any navigator speaks of having 
 them weighing mor u than eight hundred. Their appearance
 
 A. GORUUN PVAI. 1J7 
 
 is singular, and even disgusting, Their steps are very slow, 
 ui<-a-ured, and heavy, their bodies being carried about a foot from 
 the ground. Their neck is long, and exceedingly slender ; from 
 eighteen inches to two feet is a very common length, and I killed 
 one, where the distance from the shoulder to the extremity of the 
 head was no less than three feet ten inches. The head has a 
 striking resemblance to that of a serpent. They can exist with- 
 out food for an almost incredible length of time, instances having 
 been known where they have been thrown into the hold of a 
 vessel and lain two years without nourishment of any kind 
 being as fat, and, in every respect, in as good order at the expi- 
 ration of the time as when they were first put in. In one par- 
 ticular these extraordinary animals bear a resemblance to the 
 dromedary, or camel of the desert. In a bag at the root of the 
 neck they carry with them a constant supply of water. In some 
 instances, upon killing them after a full year's deprivation of all 
 nourishment, as much as three gallons of perfectly sweet and 
 iresh water have been found in their bags. Their food is chiefly 
 wild parsley and celery, with purslain, sea-kelp, and prickly-pears, 
 u'|xm which latter vegetable they thrive wonderfully, a great 
 quantity of it being usually found on the hill-sides near the shore 
 wherever the animal itself is discovered. They are excellent and 
 highly nutritious food, and have, no doubt, been the means aC 
 preserving the lives of thousands of seamen employed in the 
 whale-fishery and other pursuits in the Pacific. 
 
 The one which we had the good fortune to bring up from the 
 storeroom was not of a large size, weighing probably sixty-five 
 or seventy pounds. It was a female, and in excellent condition, 
 being exceedingly fat, and having more than a quart of limpid 
 and sweet water in its bag. This was indeed a treasure ; and, 
 falling on our knees with one accord, we returned fervent thanks 
 to God for so seasonable a relief. 
 
 VT had great difficulty in getting the animal up through the 
 opening, as it~ struggles were fierce and its strength prodigious. 
 It was upon the point of making its escape from Peter's grasp, and 
 slipping back into the water, when Augustus, throwing a rope 
 with a slip-knot around its throat, held it up in this manner until
 
 108 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 I jumped into the hole by the side of Peters, and assisted him in 
 lifting it out. 
 
 The water we drew carefully from the bag into the jug, which, 
 it will be remembered, had been brought up before from the 
 cabin. Having done this, we broke off the neck of a bottle so as 
 to form, with the cork, a kind of glass, holding not quite half a 
 g.ll. We then each drank one of these measures full, and re- 
 solved to limit ourselves to this quantity per day as long as it 
 should hold out. 
 
 During the last two or three days, the weather having been 
 dry and pleasant, the bedding we had obtained from the cabin, 
 as well as our clothing, had become thoroughly dry, so that we 
 passed this night (that of the twenty-third) in comparative com- 
 fort, enjoying a tranquil repose, after having supped plentifully 
 on olives and ham, with a small allowance of the wine. Being 
 afraid of losing some of our stores overboard during the night, in 
 the event of a breeze springing up, we secured them as well as 
 possible with cordage to the fragments of the windlass. Our 
 tortoise, which we were anxious to preserve alive as long as we 
 ( could, we threw on his back, and otherwise carefully fastened 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 JULY 24. This morning saw us wonderfully recruited in spirits 
 and strength. Notwithstanding the perilous situation in which 
 we were still placed, ignorant of our position, although certainly 
 at a great distance from land, without more food than would last 
 us for a fortnight even with great care, almost entirely without 
 water, and floating about at the mercy of every wind and wave 
 on the merest wreck in the world, still the infinitely more terrible 
 distresses and dangers from which we had so lately and so provi- 
 dentially been delivered caused us to regard what we now endured 
 as but. little more than an ordinary evil so strictly comparative 
 is either good or ill. 
 
 At sunrise we were preparing to renew our attempts at getting
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 109 
 
 up something from the store-room, when, a smart slower coming 
 on. with some lightning, we turned our attention to the catching of 
 water by means of the sheet we had used before for this purpose. 
 We had no other means of collecting the rain than by holding 
 the sheet spread out with one of the forechain-plates in the middle 
 of it. The water, thus conducted to the centre, was drained 
 through in to our jug. We had nearly filled it in this manner, when, 
 a heavy squall coming on from the northward, obliged us to de- 
 sist, as the hulk began once more to roll so violently that we 
 could no longer keep our feet. We now went forward, and, 
 lashing ourselves securely to the remnant of the windlass as be- 
 fore, awaited the event with far more calmness than could have 
 been anticipated or would have been imagined possible under 
 the circumstances. At noon the wind had freshened into a two- 
 reef breeze, and by night into a stiff gale, accompanied with a 
 tremendously heavy swell. Experience having taught us, however, 
 the best method of arranging our lashings, we weathered this 
 dreary night in tolerable security, although thoroughly drenched 
 at almost every instant by the sea, and in momentary dread of 
 being washed off. Fortunately, the weather was so warm as to 
 render the water rather grateful than otherwise. 
 
 July 25. This morning the gale had diminished to a mere 
 ten-knot breeze, and the sea had gone down with it so consider- 
 ably that we were able to keep ourselves dry upon the deck. To 
 our great grief, however, we found that two jars of our olives, as 
 well as the whole of our ham, had been washed overboard, in 
 spite of the careful manner in which they had been fastened. We 
 determined not to kill the tortoise as yet, and contented ourselves 
 for the present with a breakfast on a few of the olives, and a 
 measure of water each, which latter we mixed, half and half, 
 with wine, finding great relief and strength from the mixture, 
 without the distressing intoxication which had ensued upon 
 drinking the Port. The sea was still far too rough for the re- 
 newal of our efforts at getting up provision from the store-room. 
 Several articles, of no importance to us in our present situation, 
 floated up through the opening during the day, and were imme- 
 diately washed overboard. We also now obs rved that the hulk 
 lay more along than 'ever, so that we could not stand an ins'.aut
 
 110 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 ' without lashing ourselves. On this account we passed a gloomy 
 and uncomfortable day. At noon the sun appeared to be nearly 
 vertical, and we had no doubt that we had been driven down by 
 the long succession of northward and northwesterly winds into 
 the near vicinity of the equator. Towards evening saw several 
 sharks, and were somewhat alarmed by the audacious manner in 
 which an enormously large one approached us. At one time, a 
 lurch throwing the deck very far beneath the water, the monster 
 actually swam in upon us, floundering for some moments just 
 over the companion-hatch, and striking Peters violently with his 
 tail. A heavy sea at length hurled him overboard, much to our 
 relief. In moderate weather we might have easily captured 
 him. 
 
 July 26. This morning, the wind having greatly abated, and 
 the sea not being very rough, we determined to renew our exer- 
 tions in the store-room. After a great deal of hard labor during 
 the whole day, we found that nothing further was to be expected 
 from this quarter, the partitions of the room having been stove 
 during the night, and its contents swept into the hold. This dis- 
 covery, as may be supposed, filled us with despair. 
 
 July 27. The sea nearly smooth, with a light wind, and still 
 from the northward and westward. The sun coming out hotly 
 in the afternoon, we occupied ourselves in drying our clothes. 
 Found great relief from thirst, and much comfort otherwise, by 
 bathing in the sea ; in this, however, we were forced to use great 
 caution, being afraid of sharks, several of which were seen swim- 
 ming around the brig during the day. 
 
 July 28. Good weather still. The brig now began to lie 
 along so alarmingly that we feared she would eventually roll 
 bottom up. Prepared ourselves as well as we could for this 
 emergency, lashing our tortoise, water-jug, and two remaining jars 
 of olives as far as possible over to the windward, placing them 
 outside the hull, below the main-chains. The sea very smooth 
 ?.U day, with little or no wind. 
 
 July 29. A continuance of the same weather. Augustus's 
 wounded arm began to evince symptoms of mortification. He 
 complained of drowsiness and excessive thirst, but no acute pain. 
 Nothing could be done for his relief beyon' 1 rubbing his wound*
 
 A. GORDOM PYM. Ill 
 
 with a little of the vinegar from the olives, and from this no ben- 
 efit, seemed to be experienced. We did everything in our power 
 for his comfort, and trebled his allowance of water. . 
 
 July 30. An excessively hot day, with no wind. An enormous 
 shark kept close by the hulk during the whole of the forenoon. 
 We made several unsuccessful attempts to capture him by means 
 of a noose. Augustus much worse, and evidently sinking as 
 much from want of proper nourishment as from the effect of his 
 wounds. Pie constantly prayed to be released from his suffer- 
 ings, wishing for nothing but death. This evening we ate the 
 last of our olives, and found the water in our jug so putrid that 
 \ve could not swallow it at all without the addition of wine. 
 Determined to kill our tortoise in the morning. 
 
 July 31. After a night of excessive anxiety and fatigue, 
 owing to the position of the hulk, we set about killing and cutting 
 up our tortoise. He proved to be much smaller than we had sup- 
 posed, although in good condition the whole meat about him 
 not amounting to more than ten pounds. With a view of pre- 
 serving a portion of this as long as possible, we cut it into fine 
 pieces, ami filled with them our three remaining olive-jars and 
 the wine-bottle (all of which had been kept), pouring in after- 
 ward the vinegar from the olives. In this manner we put away 
 about three pounds of the tortoise, intending not to touch it until 
 we had consumed the rest. We concluded to restrict ourselves 
 to about four ounces of the meat per day ; the whole would thus 
 last us thirteen days. A brisk shower, with severe thunder and 
 lightning, came on about dusk, but lasted so short a time that we 
 only succeeded in catching about half a pint of water. The 
 whole of this, by common consent, was given to Augustus, who 
 now appeared to be in the last extremity. He drank the water 
 from the sheet as we caught it (we holding it above him as he 
 lay so as to let it run into his mouth), for we had now nothing 
 left capable of holding water, unless we had chosen to empty out 
 our wine from the carboy, or the stale water from the jug. Either 
 of these expedients would have been resorted to had the shower 
 lasted. 
 
 The sufferer seemed to derive but little benefit from the 
 draught. His arm was completely black from the wrist to tho
 
 112 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 shoulder, and his feet were like ice. We expected every mo- 
 ment to see him breathe his last. He was frightfully emaciated : 
 so much so that, although he weighed a hundred and twenty- 
 seven pounds upon his leaving Nantucket, he now did not weigh 
 more than forty or fifty at the farthest. His eyes were sunk far 
 in his head, being scarcely perceptible, and the skin of his cheeka 
 hung so loosely as to pi-event his masticating any food, or even 
 swallowing any liquid, without great difficulty. 
 
 August 1. A continuance of the same calm weather, with an 
 oppressively hot sun. Suffered exceedingly from thirst, the 
 water in the jug being absolutely putrid and swarming with 
 vermin. We contrived, nevertheless, to swallow a portion of it 
 by mixing it with wine our thirst, however, was but little 
 abated. We found more relief by bathing in the sea, but could 
 not avail ourselves of this expedient except at long intervals, on 
 account of the continual presence of sharks. We now ?avv 
 clearly that Augustus could not be saved ; that he was evidently 
 dying. We could do nothing to relieve his sufferings, which 
 appeared to be great. About twelve o'clock he expired in strong 
 convulsions, and without having spoken for several hours. His 
 death filled us with the most gloomy forebodings, and had so 
 great an effect upon our spirits that we sat motionless by the 
 corpse during the whole day, and never addressed each other 
 except in a whisper. It was not until some time after dark that 
 we took courage to get up and throw the body overboard. It 
 was then loathsome beyond expression, and so far decayed that, 
 as Peters attempted to lift it, an entire leg came off in his grasp. 
 As the mass of putrefaction slipped over the vessel's side into the 
 water, the glare of phosphoric light with which it was surrounded 
 plainly discovered to us seven or eight large sharks, the clashing 
 of whose horrible teeth, as their prey was torn to pieces among 
 them, might have been heard at the distance of a mile. We 
 shrunk within ourselves in the extremity of horror at the sound. 
 
 August 2. The sttme fearfully calm and hot weather. The dawn 
 found us in a state of pitiable dejection as well as bodily ex- 
 haustion. The water in the jug was now absolutely useless 
 being a thick gelatinous mass ; nothing but frightful-looking 
 worms mingled with slime. We threw it out, and washed thn
 
 A GORDON PYM. 113 
 
 jug well in the ea, afterward pouring a little vinegar in it from 
 our bottles of pickled tortoise. Our thirst could no\v scarcely be 
 endured, and we tried in vain to relieve it by wine, which seemed 
 only to add fuel to the flame, and excited us to a high degree of 
 intoxication. We after Yard endeavored to relieve our suffer- 
 ings by mixing the wine with seawater ; but this instantly 
 brought about the most violent retchings, so that we never again 
 attempted it. Dui-ing the whole day we anxiously sought an 
 opportunity of bathing, but to no purpose ; for the hulk was now 
 entirely besieged on all sides with sharks no doubt the identical 
 monsters who had devoured our poor companion on the evening 
 before, and who were in momentary expectation of another simi- 
 lar feast. This circumstance occasioned us the most bitter 
 regret, and filled us with the most depressing and melancholy 
 forebodings. We had experienced indescribable relief in bathing, 
 and to have this resource cut off in so frightful a manner was 
 more than we could bear. Nor, indeed, were we altogether free 
 from the apprehension of immediate danger, for the least slip or 
 false movement would have thrown us at once within reach of 
 these voracious fish, who frequently thrust themselves directly 
 upon us, swimming up to leeward. No shouts or exertions on our 
 part seemed to alarm them. Even when one of the largest was 
 struck with an axe by Peters, and much wounded, he persisted 
 in his attempts to push in where we were. A cloud came up at 
 dusk, but, to our extreme anguish, passed over without discharg- 
 ing itself. It is quite impossible to conceive our sufferings from 
 thirst at this pesiod. We passed a sleepless night, both on this 
 account and through dread of the sharks. 
 
 August 3. No prospect of relief, and the brig lying still more 
 and more along, so that now we could not maintain a footing 
 upon deck at all. Busied ourselves in securing our wine and 
 tortoise-meat, so that we might not lose them in the event of 
 our rolling over. Got out two stout spikes from the forechains, 
 and, by means of the axe, drove them into the hull to windward 
 within a couple of feet of the water ; this not being very far from 
 the keel, as we were nearly upon our beam-ends. To these Bpikef 
 we now lashed our provisions, as being more secure than their 
 former position beneath the chams. Suffered great agony frou*
 
 114 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 thirst during 1 the whole day no chance of bathing on account o 
 the sharks, which never left us for a moment. Found it impos- 
 sible to sleep. 
 
 August 4. A little before daybreak we perceived that the 
 hulk was heeling over, and aroused ourselves to prevent being 
 thrown off by the movement. At first the roll was slow and 
 gradual, and we contrived to clamber over to windward very 
 well, having taken the precaution to leave ropes hanging from 
 the spikes we had driven in for the provision. But we had not 
 calculated sufficiently upon the acceleration of the impetus ; Cor, 
 presently the heel became too violent to allow of our keeping 
 pace with it ; and, before either of us knew what was to happen, 
 we found ourselves hurled furiously into the sea, and struggling 
 several fathoms beneath the surface, with the huge hull immedi- 
 ately above us. 
 
 In going under the water I had been obliged to let go my hold 
 upon the rope ; and finding that I was completely beneath the 
 vessel, and my strength utterly exhausted, I scarcely made a 
 struggle for life, and resigned myself, in a few seconds, to die, 
 But here again I was deceived, not having taken into considera- 
 tion the natural rebound of the hull to windward. The whirl of 
 the water upward, which the vessel occasioned in rolling partially 
 back, brought me to the surface still more violently than I had 
 been plunged beneath. Upon coming up, I found myself about 
 twenty yards from the hulk, as near as I could judge. She was 
 lying keel up, rocking furiously from side to side, and the sea in 
 all directions around was much agitated, and full of strong whirl- 
 pools. I could see nothing of Peters. An oil-cask was floating 
 within a few feet of me, and various other articles from the brig 
 were scattered about. 
 
 My principal terror was now on account of the sharks, which 
 I knew to be in my vicinity. In order to deter these, if possible, 
 from approaching me, I splashed the water, vigorously with both 
 hands and feet as I swam towards the hulk, creating a' body of 
 foam I have no doubt that to this expedient, simple as it was, 
 I was indebted for my preservation; for the sea all around the 
 brig, just before her rolling over, was so crowded with these 
 monsters, that I must have been, nnd really was. in actual contact
 
 A GORDON PYM. 115 
 
 with some of them during my progress. By great good fortune, 
 however, I reached the side of the vessel in safety, although so 
 utterl) weakened by the violent exertion I had used that I should 
 never have been able to get upon it but for the timely assistance 
 of Peters, who now, to my great joy, made his appearance 
 (having scrambled up to the keel from the oppo>ite side of the 
 hull), and threw me the end of a rope one of those which had 
 been attached to the spikes. 
 
 Having barely escaped this danger, our attention was now 
 directed to the dreadful imminency of another; that of absolute 
 starvation. Our whole stock of provision had been swept over- 
 board in spite of all our care in securing it ; and seeing no longer 
 the remotest possibility of obtaining more, we gave way both of 
 us to despair, weeping aloud like children, and neither of us 
 attempting to offer consolation to the other. Such weakness can 
 scarcely be conceived, and to those who have never been simi- 
 larly situated will, no doubt, appear unnatural ; but it must be 
 remembered that our intellects were so entirely disordered by the 
 long course of privation and terror to which we had been sub- 
 jected, that we could not justly be considered, at that perid, in 
 the light of rational beings. In subsequent perils, nearly as 
 great, if not greater, I bore up with fortitude against all the evils 
 of my situation, and Peters, it will be seen, evinced a stoical phi- 
 losophy nearly as incredible as his present childlike supineness 
 and imbecility the mental condition made the difference. 
 
 The overturning of the brig, even with the consequent loss of 
 the wine and turtle, would not, in fact, have rendered our situa- 
 tion more deplorable than before, except for the disappearance of 
 the bedclothes by which we had been hitherto enabled to catcl 
 rain-water, and of the jug in which .we had kep., it when caught ; 
 for we found the whole bottom, from within two or three feet of 
 the bends as far as the keel, together with the keel itself, thickly 
 covered with large barnacles, which proved to be excellent and 
 highly nutritious food. Thus, in two important respects, the 
 accident we had so greatly dreaded proved a benefit rather than 
 an injury ; it had opened to us a supply of provisions, which we 
 could not have exhausted, using it moderately, in a month ; and 
 it had greatly contributed to oin* comfort as regards position, we
 
 116 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 being much more at our ease, and in infinitely less danger, thai 
 before. 
 
 The difficulty, however, of now obtaining water blinded us tci 
 all the benefits of the change in our condition. That we might 
 be ready to avail ourselves, as far as possible, of any shower 
 which might fall, we took off our shirts, to make use of them as 
 \ve had of the sheets not hoping, of course, to get more in this 
 way, even under the most favorable circumstances, than half a 
 gill at a time. No signs of a cloud appeared during the day, arid 
 the agonies of our thirst were nearly intolerable. At night, 
 Peters obtained about an hour's disturbed sleep, but my intense 
 Bufferings would not permit me to close my eyes for a single 
 moment. 
 
 August 5. To-day, a gentle breeze springing up, carried us 
 through a vast quantity of seaweed, among which we were so 
 fortunate as to find eleven small crabs, which afforded us several 
 delicious meals. Their shells being quite soft, we ate them en- 
 tire, and found that they irritated our thirst far less than the 
 barnacles. Seeing no trace of sharks among the seaweed, we 
 also ventured to bathe, and remained in the water for four or 
 five hours, during which we experienced a very sensible diminu- 
 tion of our thirst. Were greatly refreshed, and spent the night 
 somewhat more comfortably than before, both of us snatching a 
 . little sleep. 
 
 August 6. This day we were blessed by a brisk and continual 
 rain, lasting from about noon until after dark. Bitterly did we 
 now regret the loss of our jug and carboy ; for, in spite of the 
 little means we had of catching the water, we might have filled 
 one, if not both of them. As it was, we contrived to satisfy the 
 cravings of thirst by suffering the shirts to become saturated, and 
 then wringing them so as to let the grateful fluid trickle into our 
 mouths. In this occupation we passed the entire day; 
 
 August 7. Just at daybreak we both at the same instant 
 descried a sail to the eastward, and evidently coming towards us! 
 We hailed the glorious sight with a long, although feeble shout 
 of rapture; and began instantly to make every signal in out 
 power, by flaring the shirts in the air, leaping as high as our 
 weak condition would permit, aod even by hallooing with all the
 
 A. GORDON PV.M. 117 
 
 strength of our lungs, although the vessel could not have been 
 less than fifteen miles distant. However, she still continued to 
 near our hulk, and \ve felt that, if she but held her present 
 course, she must eventually come so close as to perceive us. In 
 about an hour after we first discovered her. we could clearly see 
 the people on her decks. She was a long, low, and rakish-look- 
 ing topsail schooner, with a black ball in her foretopsail, and 
 had, apparently, a full crew. We now became alarmed, for we 
 could hardly imagine it possible that she did not observe us, and 
 were apprehensive that she meant to leave us to perish as we 
 were an act of fiendish barbarity, which, however incredible it 
 may appear, has been repeatedly perpetrated at sea, under cir- 
 cumstances very nearly similar, and by beings who were regard- 
 ed as belonging to the human species.* In this instance, how- 
 ever, by the mercy of God, we were destined to be most happily 
 
 * The case of the brig Polly, of Boston, is one so much in point, and her 
 fate, in many respecls, so remarkably similar to our own, that I cannot for- 
 bear alluding to it here. This vessel, of one hundred and thirty tons burden, 
 sailed from Boston, with a cargo of lumber and provisions, for Santa Croix, 
 on the twelfth of December, 1811, under the command of Captain Casneau. 
 There were eight souls on board besides the captain the mate, four sea- 
 men, and the cook, together with a Mr. Hunt, and a negro girl belonging to 
 him. On the fifteenth, having cleared the shoal of Georges, she sprung aleak 
 in a gale of wind from the southeast, and was finally capsized : but, the mast 
 going by the board, she afterward righted. They remained in this situa- 
 tion, without fire, and with very little provision, for the period of one hun- 
 dred and ninety-one days (from December the fifteenth to June the twentieth), 
 when Captain Casneau and Samuel Badger, the only survivors, were taken 
 off the wreck by the Fame, of Hull, Captain Featherstone. bound home from 
 Rio Janeiro. When picked up, they were in latitude 28 N., longitude 13 
 W., having drifted above two thousand miles ! On the ninth of July, the 
 Fame fell in with the brig Dromeo, Captain Perkins, who landed the two 
 uurTerers in Kennebeck. The narrative from which we gather these details, 
 ends in the following words : 
 
 " It is natural to inquire how they could float such a vast distance, upon 
 the most frequented part of the Atlantic, and not be discovered all this timet 
 They were passed by more than a dozen sail, one of which came so nigh them 
 that they could distinctly see the people on deck and on the rigging- looking a 
 them ; but, to the inexpressible disappointment of the starving anil freezing 
 men, they stifled the iictalcs of compassion, hoisted sail, and cruelly alii>doii<,a 
 them to their fate."
 
 113 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 deceived ; for, presently we were aware of a sudden commotion 
 on the deck of the stranger, who immediately afterward run n\: 
 a British flag, and, hauling her wind, bore up directly upon us. 
 In half an hour more we found ourselves in her cabin. She 
 proved to be the Jane Guy, of Liverpool, Captain Guy, bound 
 on a sealing and trading voyage to the South Seas and Pacific. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 THE Jane Guy was a fine-looking topsail schooner of a him 
 dred and eighty tons burden. She was unusually sharp in the 
 bows, and on a wind, in moderate weather, the fastest sailer I 
 have ever seen. Her qualities, however, as a rough sea-boat, 
 were not so good, and her draught of water was by far too great 
 for the trade to which she was destined. For this peculiar ser- 
 vice, a larger vessel, and one of a light proportionate draught, is 
 desirable say a vessel of from three to three hundred and fifty 
 tons. She should be barque-rigged, and in other respects of a 
 different construction from the usual South Sea ships. It is 
 absolutely necessary that she should be well armed. She should 
 have, say ten or twelve twelve-pound carronades, and two or 
 three long twelves, with brass blunderbusses, and water-tight 
 arm-chests for each top. Her anchors and cables should be of 
 far greater strength than is required for any other species of 
 trade, and, above all, her crew should be numerous and efficient 
 not less, for such a vessel as I have described, than fifty or sixty 
 able-bodied men. The Jane Guy had a crew of thirty-five, all 
 able seamen, besides the captain and mate, but she was not alto- 
 gether as well armed or otherwise equipped, as a navigator ac- 
 quainted with the difficulties and dangers of the trade could have 
 desired. 
 
 Captain Guy was a gentleman of great urbanity of manner, 
 and of considerable experience in the southern traffic, to which 
 he had devoted a greater portion of his life. He was deficient, 
 however, in energy, and consequently, in that spirit of enterprise 
 which is here so absolutoly requisite. He was part owner of the
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 119 
 
 vessel in which he sailed, and was invested with discretionary 
 powers to cruise in the South Seas for any cargo which might 
 come most readily to hand. He had on board, as usual in such 
 voyages, beads, looking-glasses, tinder-work?, axes, hatchets, 
 saws, adzes, planes, chisels, gouges, gimlets, files, spokeshaves, 
 rasps, hammers, nails, knives, scissors, razors, needles, thread, 
 crockeryware, calico, trinkets, and other similar articles. 
 
 The schooner sailed from Liverpool on the tenth of July, 
 crossed the tropic of Cancer on the twenty-fifth, in longitude 
 twenty degrees West, and reached Sal, one of the Cape Verd 
 Islands, on the twenty-ninth, Avhere she took in salt and other 
 necessaries for the voyage. On the third of August, she left the 
 Cape Verds and steered southwest, stretching over towards the 
 coast of Brazil, so as to cross the equator between the meridians 
 of twenty-eight and thirty degrees west longitude. This is the 
 course usually taken by vessels bound from Europe to the Cape 
 of Good Hope, or by that route to the East Indies. By proceed- 
 ing thus they avoid the calms and strong contrary currents which 
 continually prevail on the coast of Guinea, while, in the end, it 
 is found to be the shortest track, as westerly winds are never 
 wanting afterward by which to reach the Cape. It was Captain 
 Guy's intention to make his first stoppage at Kerguelen's Land 
 I hardly know for what reason. On the day we were picked up 
 the schooner was off Cape St. Roque, in longitude thirty-one 
 degrees west ; so that, when found, we had drifted probably, 
 from north to south, not less than five-and-twenty degrees ! 
 
 On board the Jane Guy we were treated with all the kindness 
 our distressed situation demanded. In about a fortnight, during 
 which time we continued steering to the southeast, with gentle 
 breezes and fine weather, both Peters and myself recovered 
 entirely from the effects of our late privation and dreadful suffer- 
 ing, and we began to remember what had passed rather as a 
 frightful dream from which we had been happily awakened, than 
 as events which had taken place in sober and naked reality. I 
 have since found that this species of partial oblivion is usually 
 brought about by sudden transition, whether from joy to sorrow 
 or from sorrow to joy the degree of forgetfulness being pro- 
 portioned to the degree of difference in the exchange. Thus, in
 
 120 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 my own case, I now feel it impossible to realize ilm full extent 
 of the misery which I endured during the days spent upon Ilie 
 hulk. The incidents are remembered, but not the feelings which 
 the incidents elicited at the time of their occurrence. I only 
 know, that when they did occur, I then thought human nature 
 could sustain nothing more of agony. 
 
 We continued our voyage for some weeks without any inci- 
 dents of greater moment than the occasional meeting with 
 whaling-ships, and more frequently with the black or right whale, 
 BO called in contradistinction to the spermaceti. These, how- 
 ever, were chiefly found south of the twenty-fifth parallel. OH 
 the sixteenth of September, being in the vicinity of the Cape of 
 Good Hope, the schooner encountered her first gale of any vio- 
 lence since leaving Liverpool. In this neighborhood, but more 
 frequently to the south and east of the promontory (we were to 
 the westward), navigators have often to contend with storms 
 from the northward, which rage with great fury. They always 
 bring with them a heavy sea, and one of their most dangerous 
 features is the instantaneous chopping round of the wind, an 
 occurrence almost certain to take place during the greatest force 
 of the gale. A perfect hurricane will be blowing at one moment 
 from the northward or northeast, and in the next not a breath of 
 wind will be felt in that direction, while from the southwest it 
 will come out all at once with a violence almost inconceivable. 
 A bright spot to the southward is the sure forerunner of the 
 change, and vessels are thus enabled to take the proper precau- 
 tions. 
 
 It was about six in the morning when the blow came on with 
 a white squall, and, as usual, from the northward. By eight it 
 had increased very much, and brought down upon us one of the 
 most tremendous seas I had then ever beheld. Everything had 
 been made as snug as possible, but the schooner labored exces- 
 sively, and gave evidence of her bad qualities as a seaboat, 
 pitching her forecastle under at every plunge, and with the 
 greatest difficulty struggling up from one wave before she was 
 buried in another. Just before sunset the bright spot for which 
 we had been on the lookout made its appearance in the south- 
 west, and in an hour afterward we perceived the little head-sail.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 121 
 
 we carried flapping listlessly against the mast. In two minutes 
 more, in spite of every preparation, we were hurled on our beam- 
 ends, as if by magic, and a perfect wilderness of foam made a 
 clear breach over us as we lay. The blow from the southwest, 
 however, luckily proved to be nothing more than a squall, and 
 we had the good fortune to right the vessel without the loss of a 
 spar. A heavy cross sea gave us great trouble for a few hours 
 after this, but towards morning we found ourselves in nearly as 
 good condition as before the gale. Captain Guy considered that 
 he had made an escape little less than miraculous. 
 
 On the thirteenth of October we came in sight of Prince 
 Edward's Island, in latitude 46 53' S., longitude 37 46' E. 
 Two days afterward we found ourselves near Possession Island, 
 and presently passed the islands of Crozet, in latitude 42 59' S., 
 longitude 48 E. On the eighteenth we made Kerguelen's or 
 Desolation Island, in the Southern Indian Ocean, and came to 
 anchor in Christmas Harbor, having four fathoms of water. 
 
 This island, or rather group of islands, bears southeast from 
 the Cape of Good Hope, and is distant therefrom nearly eight 
 hundred leagues. It was first discovered in 1772, by the Baron 
 de Kergulen, or Kerguelen, a Frenchman, who, thinking the land 
 'to form a portion of an extensive southern continent, carried 
 home information to that effect, which produced much excitement 
 at the time. The government, taking the matter up, sent the 
 baron back in the following year for the purpose of giving his 
 new discovery a critical examination, when the mistake was dis- 
 covered. In 1777, Captain Cook fell in with the same group, 
 and gave to the principal one the name of Desolation Island, a 
 title which it certainly well deserves. Upon approaching the 
 land, however, the navigator might be induced to suppose other- 
 wise, as the sides of most of the hills, from September to March, 
 are clothed with very brilliant verdure. This deceitful appear 
 ance is caused by a small plant resembling saxifrage, which is 
 abundant, growing in large patches on a species of crumbling 
 moss. Besides this plant there is scarcely a sign of vegetation 
 on the island, if we except some coarse rank grass near the har 
 bor, some lichen, and a shrub which bears resemblance to a
 
 122 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 cabbage shooting into seed, and which has a bitter and acrid 
 taste. 
 
 The face of the country is hilly, although none of the hills can 
 be called lofty. Their tops are perpetually covered with snow. 
 There are several harbors, of which Christmas Harbor is the 
 most convenient. It is the first to be met with on the northeast 
 side of the island after passing Cape Francois, which forms the 
 northern shore, and, by its peculiar shape, serves to distinguish 
 the harbor. Its projecting point terminates in a high rock, 
 through which is a large hole, forming a natural arch. The 
 entrance is in latitude 48 40' S., longitude 69 6' E. Passing 
 in here, good anchorage may be found under the shelter of several 
 small islands, which form a sufficient protection from all easterly 
 winds. Proceeding on eastwardly from this anchorage you come 
 to Wasp Bay, at the head of the harbor. This is a small basin, 
 completely landlocked, into which you can go with four fathoms, 
 arid find anchorage in from ten to three, hard clay bottom. A 
 ship might lie here with her best bower ahead all the year round 
 without risk. To the westward, at the head of Wasp Bay, is a 
 small stream of excellent water, easily procured. 
 
 Some seal of the fur and hair species are still to be found on 
 Kerguelen's Island, and sea elephants abound. The feathered 
 tribes are discovered in great numbers. Penguins are very plenty, 
 and of these there are four different kinds. The royal penguin, 
 so called from its size and beautiful plumage, is the largest. The 
 upper part of the body is usually gray, sometimes of a lilach tint ; 
 the under portion of the purest white imaginable. The head is 
 of a glossy and most brilliant black, the feet also. The chief 
 beauty of the plumage, however, consists in two broad stripes of 
 a gold color, which pass along from the head to the breast. The 
 bill is long, and either pink or bright scarlet. These birds walk 
 erect, with a stately carriage. They carry their heads high 
 .vith their wings drooping like two arms, and, as their tails pro- 
 ject from their body in a line with the legs, the resemblance to a 
 human figure is very striking, and would be apt to deceive the 
 spectator at a casual glance or in the gloom of the evening. The 
 royal penguins which we meet with on Kerguelen's Land were 
 rather larger than a goose The o her kinds are the maccaroni.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 123 
 
 the jackass, and the rookery penguin. These are much smaller, 
 less beautiful in plumage, and different in other respects. 
 
 Besides the penguin many other birds are here to be found, 
 among which may be mentioned seahens, blue peterels, teal, 
 clucks, Port Egrnont hens, shags. Cape pigeons, the nelly, sea- 
 swallows, terns, sea-gulls, Mother Carey's chickens, Mother Ca- 
 re v's geese, or the great peterel, and, lastly, the albatross. 
 
 The great peterel is as large as the common albatross, and is 
 carnivorous. It is frequently called the break-bones, or osprey 
 peterel. They are not at all shy, and, when properly cooked, are 
 palatable food. In flying they sometimes sail very close to the 
 surface of the water, with the wings expanded, without appearing 
 lo move them in the least degree, or make any exertion with 
 them whatever. 
 
 The albatross is one of the largest and fiercest of the South 
 Sea birds. It is of the gull species, and takes its prey on 
 the wing, never coming on land except for the purpose of breed- 
 ing. Between this bird and the penguin the most singular friend- 
 ship exists. Their nests are constructed with great uniformity 
 upon a plan concerted between the two species that of the alla- 
 tross being placed in the centre of a little square formed by the 
 nests of four penguins. Navigators have agreed in calling an 
 assemblage of such encampments a rookery. These rookeries 
 have been often described, but, as my readers may not all have 
 seen these descriptions, and as I shall have occasion hereafter to 
 speak of the penguin and albatross, it will not be amiss to saj 
 something here of their mode of building and living. 
 
 When the season for incubation arrives, the birds assemble in 
 vast numbers, and for some days appear to be deliberating upon 
 the proper course to be pursued. At length they proceed to 
 action. A level piece of ground is selected, of suitable extent, 
 usually comprising three or four acres, and situated as near the 
 sea as possible, being still beyond its reach. The spot is chosen 
 with reference to its evenness of surface, and that is preferred 
 which is the least encumbered with stones. This matter being 
 arranged, the birds proceed, with one accord, and actuated appa- 
 rently by one mind, to trace out, with mathematical accuracy, 
 either a square or other parallelogram, as may best suit the no-
 
 124 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 ture oi' the ground, and of just sufficient size to acccrmnod.it.? 
 easily all the birds assembled, and no more in this particular 
 seeming determined upon preventing the access of future strag 
 glers who have not participated in the labor of the encampment. 
 One side of the place thus marked out run's parallel with the 
 water's edge, and is left open for ingress or egress. 
 
 Having defined the limits of the rookery, the colony now begin 
 to clear it of every species of rubbish, picking up stone by stone, 
 and carrying them outside of the lines, and close by them, so as 
 to form a wall on the three inland sides. Just within this wall 
 a perfectly level and smooth walk is formed, from six to eight 
 feet wide, and extending around the encampment thus serving 
 the purpose of a general promenade. 
 
 The next process is to partition out the whole area into small 
 squares exactly equal in size. This is done by forming narrow 
 paths, very smooth, and crossing each other at right angles 
 throughout the entire extent of the rookery. At each intersec- 
 tion of these paths the nest of an albatross is constructed, and a 
 penguin's nest in the centre of each square thus every penguin 
 is surrounded by four albatrosses, and each albatross by a like 
 number of penguins. The penguin's nest consists of a hole in the 
 earth, very shallow, being only just of sufficient depth to keep 
 her single egg from rolling. The albatross is somewhat less 
 ermple in her arrangements, erecting a hillock about a foot high 
 and two in diameter. This is made of earth, seaweed, and shells. 
 On its summit she builds her nest. 
 
 The birds take especial care never to leave their nests unoccu- 
 pied for an instant during the period of incubation, or, indeed, 
 until the young progeny are sufficiently strong to take care of 
 themselves. While the male is absent at sea in search of food, 
 the female remains on duty, and it is only upon the return of her 
 partner that she ventures abroad. The eggs are never left un- 
 covered at all while one bird leaves the nest, the other nestling 
 in by its side. This precaution is rendered necessary by the 
 thievish propensities prevalent in the rookery, the inhabitants 
 making no scruple to purloin each other's eggs at every good op- 
 portunity. 
 
 Although there arc some rookeries in which the penguin and
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 121 
 
 albatross arc the sole population, yet in most of them a variety 
 of oceanic birds are to be met with, enjoying all the privileges 
 of citizenship, and scattering their nests here and there, wherever 
 they can find room, never interfering, however, with the 
 stations of the larger species. The appearance of such encamp- 
 ments when seen from a distance, is exceedingly singular. The 
 whole atmosphere just above the settlement is darkened with tho 
 immense number of the albatross (mingled with the smaller 
 tribes) which are continually hovering over it, either going to the 
 ocean or returning home. At the same time a crowd of penguins 
 are to be observed, some passing to and fro in the narrow alleys, 
 and some marching with the military strut so peculiar to them, 
 around the general promenade-ground which encircles the rook- 
 ery [n short, survey it as we will, nothing can be more aston- 
 ishing than the spirit of reflection evinced by these feathered 
 beings, and nothing surely can be better calculated to elicit 
 reflection in every well-regulated human intellect. 
 
 On the morning after our arrival in Christmas Harbor the chief 
 male, Mr. Patterson, took the boats, and (although it was some- 
 what early in the season) went in search of seal, leaving the 
 captain and a young relation of his on a point of barren land t<r 
 the westward, they having some business, w 7 hose nature I could 
 not ascertain, to transact in the interior of the island. Captain 
 Guy took with him a bottle, in which was a sealed letter, and 
 made his way from the point on which he was set on shore to- 
 wards one of the highest peaks in the place. It is probable that 
 his design was to leave the letter on that height for some vessel 
 which he expected to come after him. As soon as we lost 
 sight of him we proceeded (Peters and myself being in the mate's 
 boat) on our cruise around the coast, looking for seal. In this 
 business we were occupied about three weeks, examining with 
 great care every nook and corner, not only of Kerguelen's Land, 
 but of the several small islands in the vicinity. Our labors, how- 
 ever, were not crowned with any important success. We saw a 
 great many fur seal, but they were exceedingly shy, and with the 
 greatest exertions, we could only procure three hundred and fifty 
 nkins in all. Sea elephants were abundant, especially on the 
 western coast of the mainland, but of these we killed only twenty,
 
 126 . NARRATIVE UP 
 
 and this with great difficulty. On the smaller islands \ve dt9 
 covered a good many of the hair seal, but did not molest them. 
 We returned to the schooner on the eleventh, where we found 
 Captain Guy and his nephew, who gave a very bad account 01 
 the interior, representing it as one of the most dreary and utterly 
 Darren countries in the world. They had remained two nighls 
 on the island, owing to some misunderstanding, on the part of the 
 second mate, in regard to the sending a jolly boat from the scJ>oon 
 er to take them off. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 ON the twelfth we made sail from Christmas Harbor, retracing 
 our way to the westward, and leaving Marion's Island, one of 
 Crozet's group, on the larboard. We afterward passed Prince 
 Edward's Island, leaving it also on our left ; then, steering more 
 to the northward, made, in fifteen days, the islands of Tristan 
 d'Acunha, in latitude 37 8' S., longitude 12 8' W. 
 
 This group, now so well known, and which consists of three 
 Circular islands, was first discovered by the Portuguese, and was 
 risked afterward by the Dutch in 1643, and by the French in 
 17G7. The three islands together form a triangle, and are dis- 
 tant from each other about ten miles, there being fine open 
 passages between. The land in all of them is very high, espe- 
 cially in Tristan d'Acunha, properly so called. This is the 
 largest of the group, being fifteen miles in circumference, and so 
 elevated that it can be seen in clear weather at the distance of 
 eighty or ninety miles. A part of the land towards the north 
 rises more than a thousand feet perpendicularly from the sea. A 
 tableland at this height extends back nearly to the centre of the 
 island, and from this tableland arises a lofty cone like that of 
 Teneriffe. The lower half of this cone is clothed with trees of 
 good size, but the upper region is barren rock, usually hidden 
 among the clouds, and covered with snow during the greater part 
 of the year. There are no shoals or other dangers about the 
 island, the shores being remarkably bold and the water deep
 
 A. GORDON P7M. 127 
 
 On the northwestern coast is a bay, with a beacli of black sand, 
 where a landing with boats can be easily effected, providtd ther 
 be a southerly wind. Plenty of excellent water may here be 
 readily procured ; also c"od, and other fish, may be taken with 
 hook and line. 
 
 The next island in point of size, and the most westwardly ot 
 the group, is that called the Inaccessible. Its precise situation is 
 37 17' S. latitude, longitude 12 24' W. It is seven or eight 
 miles in circumference, and on all sides presents a forbidding and 
 precipitous aspect. Its top is perfectly flat, and the whole region 
 is sterile, nothing growing upon it except a few stunted shr-ubs. 
 
 Nightingale Island, the smallest and most southerly, is in lati- 
 tude 37 3 20' S., longitude 12 12' W. Off its southern extrem- 
 ity is a high ledge of rocky islets ; a few also of a similar appear- 
 ance are seen to the northeast. The ground is irregular and 
 sterile, and a deep valley partially separates it. 
 
 The shores of these islands abound, in the proper season, with 
 sea lions, sea elephants, the hair and fur seal, together with a 
 great variety of oceanic birds. Whales are also plenty in their 
 vicinity. Owing to the ease with which these various animals 
 were here formerly taken, the group has been much visited 
 since its discovery. The Elutch and French frequented it at a 
 very early period. In 1790, Captain Patten, of the ship Indus- 
 try, of Philadelphia, made Tristan d'Acunha, where he remained 
 seven months (from August, 1790, to April, 1791) for the pur- 
 pose of collecting sealskins. In this time he gathered no less 
 than five thousand six hundred, and says that he would have had 
 no difficulty in loading a large ship with oil in three weeks. 
 Upon his arrival he found no quadrupeds, with the exception of 
 a few wild goats the island now abounds with all our most val- 
 uable domestic animals, which have been introduced by subse 
 quent navigators. 
 
 I believe it was not long after Captain Patten's visit that 
 Captain Colquhoun, of the American brig Betsey, touched at the 
 largest of the islands for the purpose of refreshment. He planted 
 onions, potatoes, cabbages, and a great many other vegetables, an 
 abundance of all which are now to be met with. 
 
 In 1811, a Captain Hay wood, in the Nereus, visited Tristan
 
 128 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 He found there three Americans, who were residing upon the 
 islands to prepare sealskins and oil. One of these men wa$ 
 named Jonathan Lambert, and he called himself the sovereign of 
 the country. He had cleared and cultivated about sixty acres 
 of land, and turned his attention to raising the coffee-plant and 
 sugar-cane, with which he had been furnished by the American 
 minister at Rio Janeiro. This settlement, however, was finally 
 abandoned, and in 1817 the islands were taken possession of by 
 the British government, who sent a detachment for that purpose 
 from the Cape of Good Hope. They did not. however, retain 
 them long ; but, upon the evacuation of the country as a British 
 possession, two or three English families took up their residence 
 there independently of the government. On the twenty-fifth of 
 March, 1824, the Berwick, Captain Jeffrey, from London to Van 
 Diemen's Land, arrived at the place, where they found an Eng- 
 lishman of the name of Glass, formerly a corporal in the British 
 artillery. He claimed to be supreme governor of the islands, and 
 had under his control twenty-one men and three women. He 
 gave a very favorable account of the salubrity of the climate and 
 of the productiveness of the soil. The population occupied them- 
 selves chiefly in collecting sealskins and sea-elephant oil, with 
 which they traded to the Cape of Good Hope, Glass owning a 
 small schooner. At the period of our arrival the governor was 
 still a resident, but his little community had multiplied, there 
 being fifty-six persons upon Tristan; besides a smaller settlement 
 of seven on Nightingale Island. We had no difficulty in pro- 
 curing almost every kind of refreshment which we required 
 sheep, hogs, bullocks, rabbits, poultry, goats, fish in great variety, 
 and vegetables were abundant. Having come to anchor close in 
 with the large island, in eighteen fathoms, we took all we wanted 
 ca board very conveniently. Captain Guy also purchased of 
 Glass five hundred sealskins and some ivory. We remained 
 here a week, during which the prevailing winds were from the 
 northward and westward, and the weather somewhat hazy. On 
 the fifth of November we made sail to the southward and west- 
 ward, with the intention of having a thorough search for a group 
 of islands called the Auroras, respecting whose existence a great 
 diversity of opinion has existed.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 129 
 
 These islands are said to have been discovered as early as 
 17''2. by the commander of the ship Aurora. In 1700, Captain 
 Manuel de Oyarvido, in the ship Princess, belonging to the Royal 
 Philippine Company, sailed, a= he asserts, directly among them. 
 In 171)4, the Spanish corvette Atrevida went with the determina- 
 tion of ascertaining their precise situation, and, in a paper pub- 
 lished by the Royal Hydrographical Society of Madrid in the 
 year 1809, the following language is used respecting this expedi- 
 tion. " The corvette Atrevida practised, in their immediate 
 vicinity, from the twenty-first to the twenty-seventh of Jan- 
 uary, all the necessary observations, and measured by chronom- 
 eters the difference of longitude between these islands and the 
 port of Soledad in the Malninas. The islands are three ; they 
 are very nearly in the same meridian ; the centre one is rather 
 low, and the other two may be seen at nine leagues distance." 
 The observations made on board the Atrevida give the following 
 results as the precise situation of each island. The most north- 
 ern is in latitude 52 37' 24" S., longitude 47 43' 15" W. ; the 
 middle one in, latitude 53 2' 40" S., longitude 47 55' 15" W.; 
 and the most southern in latitude 53 15' 22" S., longitude 47 
 57' 15" W. 
 
 On the twenty-seventh of January, 1820, Captain James Wed- 
 del, of the British navy, sailed from Staten Land also in search 
 of the Auroras. He reports that, having made the most diligent 
 search and passed not only immediately over the spots indicated 
 by the commander of the Atrevida, but in every direction through- 
 out the vicinity of these spot*, he could discover no indication of 
 land. These conflicting statements have induced other navigators 
 to look out for the islands ; and, strange to say, while some have 
 sailed through every inch of sea where they are supposed to lie 
 without finding them, there have been not a few who declare 
 positively tha* they have seen them ; and even been close in with 
 their shores. It was Captain Guy's intention to make every ex- 
 ertion within his power to settle the question so oddly in dispute.* 
 
 * Among the vessels which at various times have professed to m^et ^vith 
 the Auroras may be mentioned the ship San Miguel, in 1769 ; the ship Au- 
 rora, in 1774 ; the brigPearl, in 1779 : and the ship Dolores, in 1790. They 
 all agree in giving the ire an latitude fifty- three degrees south.
 
 130 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 We kept on our course, between the south and west, with 
 variable wea her, until the twentieth of the month, when we 
 found ourselves on the debated ground, being in latitude 53 15' 
 S., longitude 47 58' W. that is to say, very nearly upon the 
 spot indicated as the situation of the most southern of the group 
 Not perceiving any sign of land, we continued to the westward 
 n the parallel of fifty-three degrees south, as far as the meridian 
 "f fifty degrees west. We then stood to the north as far as the 
 parallel- of fifty-two degrees south, when we turned to the east 
 ward, and kept our parallel by double altitudes, morning and 
 evening, and meridian altitudes of the planets and moon. Having 
 thus gone eastwardly to the meridian of the western coast of 
 Georgia, we kept that meridian until we were in the latitude 
 from which we set out. We then took diagonal courses through- 
 out the entire extent of sea circumscribed, keeping a lookout 
 constantly at the masthead, and repeating our examination with 
 the greatest care for a period of three weeks, during which the 
 weather was remarkably pleasant and fair, with no haze what- 
 soever. Of course we were thoroughly satisfied that, whatever 
 islands might have existed in this vicinity at any former period, 
 no vestige of them remained at the present day. Since my 
 return home I find that the same ground was traced over, with 
 equal care, in 1822, by Captain Johnson, of the American 
 schooner Henry, and by Captain Morrell, in the American 
 schooner Wasp in both cases with the same result as in our own. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 IT had been Captain Guy's original intention, after satisfying 
 Iiimself about the Auroras, to proceed through the Strait of .Ma- 
 gellan, and up along the western coast of Patagonia ; but infor- 
 mation received aj; Tristan d'Acunha induced him to steer to 
 the southward, in the hope of falling in with some small islands 
 said to lie about the parallel of 60 S., longitude 41 20' W. 
 In the event of his not discovering these lands, he designed,
 
 A. UORDON- PYM. 131 
 
 should the season prove favorable, to push on towards the pole- 
 Accordingly, on the twelfth of December, we made sail in thai 
 direction. On the eighteenth we found ourselves about the sta 
 tion indicated by Glass, and cruised for three days in that neigh 
 borhood without finding any traces of the islands he had men- 
 tioned. On the twenty-first, the weather being unusually 
 pleasant, we again made sail lo the southward, with the resolu- 
 tion of penetrating in that course as far as possible. Before 
 entering upon this portion of my narrative, it may be as well, 
 for the information of those readers who have paid little atten- 
 tion to the progress of discovery in these regions, to give some 
 brief account of the very few attempts at reaching the southern 
 pole which have hitherto been made. 
 
 That of Captain Cook was the first of which we have any 
 distinct account. In 1772, he sailed to the south in the Resolution, 
 accompanied by Lieutenant Furneaux. in the Adventure. In 
 December he found himself as far as the fifty-eighth parallel of 
 south latitude, and in longitude 26 57' E. Here he met with 
 narrow fields of ice, about eight or ten inches thick, and run- 
 ning northwest and southeast. This ice was in large cakes, and 
 usually it was packed so closely that the vessels had great diffi- 
 culty in forcing a passage. At this period Captain Cook sup- 
 posed, from the vast number of birds to be seen, and from other 
 indications, that he was in the near vicinity of land. He kept 
 on to the southward, the weather being exceedingly cold, until 
 he reached the sixty-fourth parallel, in longitude 38 14' E. 
 Here he had mild weather, with gentle breezes, for five days, 
 the thermometer being at thirty -six. In January, 1773, the 
 vessels crossed the Antarctic circle, but did not succeed in pene- 
 trating much farther; for, upon reaching latitude 67 15', they 
 found all farther progress impeded by an immense body of ice, 
 extending all along the southern horizon as far as the eye could 
 reach. This ice was of every variety and some large floes of 
 it, miles in extent, formed a compact mass, rising eighteen or 
 *wenty feet above the water. It being late in the season, and 
 no hope entertained of rounding these obstructions, Captaio 
 Cook now reluctantly turned to the northward. 
 
 In the November following he renewed his search in the
 
 132 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 Antarctic. In latitude 59 40' he met with a strong current 
 setting to the south ,vard. In December, when the vessels were 
 in latitude 67 31*, longitude 142 54' W., the cold was exces- 
 sive, with heavy gales and fog. Here also birds were abundant ; 
 the albatross, tl e penguin, and the peterel especially. In latitude 
 70 23' some large islands of ice were encountered, and shortly 
 afterward, the clouds to the southward were observed to be of a 
 snowy whiteness, indicating the vicinity of field ice. In latitude 
 71 10', longitude 106 54' "W"., the navigators were stopped, as 
 before, by an immense frozen expanse, which filled the whole 
 area of the southern horizon. The northern edge of this expanse 
 was ragged and broken, so firmly wedged together as to be 
 utterly impassable, and extending about a mile to the south- 
 ward. Behind it the frozen surface was comparatively smooth 
 for some distance, until terminated in the extreme back-ground 
 by gigantic ranges of ice mountains, the one towering above the 
 other. Captain Cook concluded that this vast field reached the 
 southern pole or was joined to a continent. Mr. J. N. Reynolds, 
 whose great exertions and perseverance have at length suc- 
 ceeded in getting set on foot a national expedition, partly for the 
 purpose of exploring these regions, thus speaks of the attempt 
 of the Resolution : " We are not surprised that Captain Cook 
 was unable to go beyond 71 10', but we are astonished that he 
 did attain that point on the meridian of 106 54' west lon- 
 gitude. Palmer's Land lies south of the Shetland, latitude 
 sixty-four degrees, and tends to the southward and westward 
 farther than any navigator has yet penetrated. Cook was stand 
 ing for this land when his progress was arrested by the ice ; 
 which, we apprehend, must always be the case in that point, and 
 so early in the season as the sixth of January and we should 
 not be surprised if a portion of the icy mountains described was 
 attached to the main body of Palmer's Land, or to some other 
 portions of land lying farther to the southward and westward." 
 In 1803, Captains Kreutzenstern and Lisiausky were dis- 
 patched by Alexander of Russia for the purpose of circumnavi- 
 gating the globe. In endeavoring to get south, they made no 
 farther than 59 58', in longitude 70 15' W. They here met 
 with strong currents setting eastwardly. Whales were abuo
 
 A. GORDON PVM. 133 
 
 dant, but they saw no ice. In regard to this voyage, Mr. Rey- 
 nolds observes that, if Kreutzenstern had arrived where he did 
 earlier in the season, he must have encountered ice it was 
 March when he reached the latitude specified. The winds pre- 
 vailing, as th<?y do, from the southward and westward, had 
 carried the floes, aided by currents, into that icy region bounded 
 on the north by Georgia, east by Sandwich Land and the South 
 Orkneys, and west by the South Shetland Islands. 
 
 In 1822, Captain James Weddell, of the British navy, with 
 two very small vessels, penetrated farther to the south than any 
 previous navigator, and this too, without encountering extraor- 
 dinary difficulties. He states that although he was frequently 
 hemmed in by ice before reaching the seventy-second parallel, 
 yet, upon attaining it, not a particle was to be discovered, and 
 that, upon arriving at the latitude of 74 15', no fields, and only 
 three islands of ice were visible. It is somewhat remarkable 
 that, although vast flocks of birds were seen, and other usual 
 indications of land, and although, south of the Shetlands, un- 
 known coasts were observed from the masthead tending south- 
 wardly, Weddell discourages the idea of land existing in the 
 polar regions of the south. 
 
 On the llth of January, 1823, Captain Benjamin Morrell, ot 
 the American schooner Wasp, sailed from Kerguelen's Land 
 with a view of penetrating as far south as possible. On the first 
 of February he found himself in latitude 64 52' S., longitude 
 118 27' E. The following passage is extracted from his jour- 
 nal of that date : " The wind soon freshened to an eleven-knot 
 breeze, and we embraced this opportunity of making to the 
 west; being however convinced that the farther we went south 
 beyond latitude sixty-four degrees, the less ice was to be appre- 
 hended, we steerecl a little to the southward, until we crossed 
 the Antarctic circle, and were in latitude 69 15' E. In this 
 latitude there was no field ice, and very few ice islands in sight." 
 
 Under the date of March fourteenth I find also this entry : 
 " The sea was now entirely free of field ice, and there were not 
 more than a dozen ice islands in sight. At the same time the 
 temperature of the air and water was at least thirteen degrees 
 higher (more mild) than we had ever found it between the'pai>
 
 134 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 allels of sixty and sixty-two south. We were now in latitude 
 70 14' S., and the temperature of the air was forty-seven, and 
 that of the water forty-four. In this situation I found the vari- 
 ation to be 14 27' easterly, per azimuth. ... I have several 
 times passed within the Antarctic circle, on different meridians, 
 and have uniformly found the temperature, both of the air and 
 the water, to become more and more mild the farther I advanced 
 beyond the sixty-fifth degree of south latitude, and that the vari- 
 ation decreases in the same proportion. While north of this 
 latitude, say between sixty and sixty-five south, we frequently 
 had great difficulty in finding a passage for the vessel between 
 the immense and almost innumerable ice islands, some of which 
 were from one to two miles in circumference, and more than five 
 hundred feet above the surface of the water." 
 
 Being nearly destitute of fuel and water, and without proper 
 instruments, it being also late in the season, Captain Morrell 
 was now obliged to put back, without attempting any farther pro- 
 gress to the westward, although an entirely open sea lay before 
 him. He expresses the opinion that, had not these overruling 
 considerations obliged him to retreat, he could have penetrated, 
 if not to the pole itself, at least to the eighty-fifth parallel. I 
 have given his ideas respecting these matters somewhat at length, 
 that the reader may have an opportunity of seeing how far they 
 were borne out by my own subsequent experience. 
 
 In 1831, Captain Briscoe, in the employ of the Messieurs 
 Enderby, whale-ship owners of London, sailed in the brig Lively 
 for the South Seas, accompanied by the cutter Tula. On the 
 twenty-eighth of February, being in latitude 66 30' S., longi- 
 tude 47 13' E., he descried land, and " clearly discovered 
 through the snow the black peaks of a range of mountains run- 
 ning E. S. E." He remained in this neighborhood during the 
 whole of the following month, but was unable to approach the 
 coast nearer than within ten leagues, owing to the boisterous 
 state of the weather. Finding it impossible to make farther 
 discovery during this season, he returned northward to winter 
 in Van Diemen's Land. 
 
 In the beginning of 1832 he again proceeded southwardly, 
 and on the fourth of February land was seen to the southeast in
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 135 
 
 latitude 67 15', longitude 69 29' W. This was soon found to 
 be an island near the headland of the country lit had first dis- 
 covered. On the twenty-first of the month he succeeded in 
 landing on the latter, and took possession of it in the name of 
 William IV., calling it Adelaide's Island, in honor of the English 
 queen. These particulars being made known to the Royal Geo- 
 graphical Society of London, the conclusion was drawn by thai 
 body "that there is a continuous tract of land extending from 47 
 30' E. to G9 29' W. longitude, running the parallel of from sixty- 
 six to sixty-seven degrees south latitude." In respect to this 
 conclusion Mr. Reynolds observes, " In the correctness of it we 
 by no means concur ; nor do the discoveries of Briscoe warrant 
 any such inference. It was within these limits that Weddell 
 proceeded south on a meridian to the east of Georgia, Sandwich 
 Land, and the South Orkney and Shetland Islands." My own 
 experience will be found to testify most directly to the falsity of 
 the conclusion arrived at by the society. 
 
 These are the principal attempts which have been made at 
 penetrating to a high southern latitude, and it will now be seen 
 I hat there remained, previous to the voyage of the Jane, nearly 
 three hundred degrees of longitude in which the Antarctic circle 
 hail not been crossed at all. Of course a wide field lay before 
 us for discovery, and it was with feelings of most intense inter- 
 est that I heard Captain Guy express his resolution of pushing 
 boldly f o the southward. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 WE kept our course southwardly for four days after giving up 
 the search for Glass's Islands, without meeting with any ice at 
 all. On the twenty-sixth, at noon, we were in latitude 63 23' 
 S., longitude 41 25' W. We now saw several large ice islands, 
 find a floe of field ice, not, however, of any great extent. The 
 winds generally blew from the southeast, or the northeast, but 
 were very light. Whenever we had a westerly wind, which 
 was seldom, it was invariably attended with a rain squall. Every
 
 136 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 day we had more or less snow. The thermometer, on the 
 twenty-seventh, stood at thirty-five. 
 
 January 1, 1828. This day we found ourselves completely 
 nemmed in by the ice, and our prospects looked cheerless indeed. 
 A strong gale blew, during the whole forenoon, from the north- 
 east, and drove large cakes of the drift against the rudder and 
 counter with such violence that we all trembled for the conse- 
 quences. Towards evening, the gale still blowing with fury, a 
 large field in front separated, and we were enabled, by carrying 
 a press of sail, to force a passage through the smaller flakes into 
 some open water beyond. As we approached this space we 
 took in sail by degrees, and having at length got clear, lay to 
 under a single reefed foresail. 
 
 January 2. We had now tolerably pleasant weather. At noon 
 we found ourselves in latitude 69 10' S., longitude 42 20' W., 
 having crossed the Antarctic circle. Very little ice was to be 
 seen to the southward, although large fields of it lay behind us. 
 This day we rigged some sounding gear, using a large iron pot 
 capable of holding twenty gallons, and a line of two hundred 
 fathoms. We found the current setting to the north, about a 
 quarter of a mile per hour. The temperature of the air was 
 now about thirty-three. Here we found the variation to be 14 
 28' easterly, per azimuth. 
 
 January 5. We had still held on to the southward without any 
 very great impediments. On this morning, however, being in 
 latitude 73 15' E., longitude 42 10' W., we were again 
 Drought to a stand by an immense expanse of firm ice. We 
 saw, nevertheless, much open water to the southward, and felt 
 no doubt of being able to reach it eventually. Standing to the 
 eastward along the edge of the floe, we at length came to a pas- 
 sags of about a mile in width, through which we warped our 
 way by sundown. The sea in which we now were was thickly 
 covered with ice islands, but had no field ice, and we pushed on 
 boldly as before. The cold did not seem to increase, although 
 we had snow very frequently, and now and then hail squalls 01 
 great violence. Immense flocks of the albatross flew over the 
 schooner this day, going from southeast to northwest. 
 
 January 7. The sea still remained pretty well open, so that
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 137 
 
 we had no difficulty in holding on our course. To the westward 
 we saw joine icebergs of incredible size, and in the afternoon 
 passed very near one whose summit could not have been less 
 than four hundred fathoms from the surface of the ocean. Its 
 girth was probably, at the base, three quarters of a league, and 
 several streams of water were running from crevices in its sides. 
 We remained in sight of this island two days, and then only lost 
 it in a fog. 
 
 January 10. Early this morning we had the misfortune to 
 lose a man overboard. He was an American, named Peter 
 Vreclenburgh, a native of New York, and was one of the most val- 
 uable hands on board the schooner. In going over the bows his 
 foot slipped, and he fell between two cakes of ice, never rising 
 again. At noon of this day we were in latitude 78 30', longi- 
 tude 40 15' W. The cold was now excessive, and we had hail 
 squalls continually from the northward and eastward. In this 
 direction also we saw several more immense icebergs, and the 
 whole horizon to the eastward appeared to be blocked up with 
 field ice, rising in tiers, one mass above the other. Some drift- 
 wood floated by during the evening, and a great quantity of birds 
 flew over, among which were Nellies, peterels, albatrosses, and a 
 large bird of a brilliant blue plumage. The variation here, per 
 azimuth, was less than it had been previously to our passing the 
 Antarctic circle. 
 
 January 12. Our passage to the south again looked doubtful, 
 as nothing was to be seen in the direction of the pole but one ap- 
 parently limitless floe, backed by absolute mountains of ragged 
 ice, one precipice of which arose frowningly above the other. 
 We stood to the westward until the. fourteenth, in the hope of 
 finding an entrance. 
 
 January 14. This morning we reached the western extremity 
 of the field which had impeded us, and, weathering it, came to an 
 open sea, without a particle of ice. Upon sounding with two 
 hundred fathoms, we here found a current setting southwardly at 
 the rate of half a mile per hour. The temperature of the air 
 was forty-seven, that of the water thirty-four. We now sailed 
 to the southward without meeting any interruption of moment 
 until the sixteenth, when, at noon, we were in latitude 81 21'
 
 138 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 long. 42 W. We here again sounded, and found a current setting 
 still southwardly, and at the rate of three quarters of a mile per 
 hour. The variation per azimuth had diminished, and the tem- 
 perature of the air was mild and pleasant, the thermometer being 
 as high as> fifty-one. At this period not a particle of ice was to 
 be discovered. All hands on board now felt, certain of attaining 
 the pole. 
 
 January 17. This day was full of incident. Innumerable 
 flights of birds flew over us from the southward, and several 
 were shot from the deck ; one of them, a species of pelican, 
 proved to be excellent eating. About midday a small floe of ice 
 was seen from the masthead off the larboard bow, and upon it 
 there appeared to be some large animal. As the weather was 
 good and nearly calm, Captain Guy ordered out two of the boats 
 to see what it was. Dirk Peters and myself accompanied the 
 mate in the larger boat. Upon coming up with the floe, we per- 
 ceived that it was in the possession of a gigantic creature of the 
 race of the Arctic bear, but far exceeding in size the largest of 
 these animals. Being well armed, we made no scruple of attack- 
 ing it at once. Several shots were fired in quick succession, the 
 most of which took effect, apparently, in the head and body. 
 Nothing discouraged, however, the monster threw himself from 
 the ice, and swam, with open jaws, to the boat in which were 
 Peters and myself. Owing to the confusion which ensued 
 among us at this unexpected turn of the adventure, no person 
 was ready immediately with a second shot, and the bear had 
 actually succeeded in getting half his vast bulk across our gun- 
 wale, and seizing one of the men by the small of his back, before 
 any efficient means were taken to repel him. In this extremity 
 nothing but the promptness and agility of Peters saved us from 
 destruction. Leaping upon the back of the huge beast, he 
 plunged the blade of a knife behind the neck, reaching the spinal 
 marrow at a blow. The brute tumbled into the sea lifeless, and 
 without a struggle, rolling over Peters as he fell. The latter soon 
 recovered himself, and a rope being thrown him, he secured the 
 carcass before entering the boat. We then returned in triumph 
 to the schooner, towing our trophy behind us. This bear, upon 
 admeasurement, proved to be *ull fifteen feet in his greatest
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 139 
 
 length. His wool was perfectly white, and very coarse, curling 
 tightly. The^cyes were of a blood red, and larger than those of 
 the Arctic bear the snout also more rounded, rather reoeinblin< 
 
 ' t> 
 
 the snout of the bull-dog. The meat was tender, but excessively 
 rank and fishy, although the men devoured it with avidity, and 
 declared it excellent eating. 
 
 Scarcely had we got our prize alongside, when the man at the 
 masthead gave the joyful shout of " land on the starboard bow /" 
 All hands were now upon the alert; and, a breeze springing up 
 very opportunely from the northward and eastward, we were 
 soon close in with the coast. It proved to be a low rocky islet, 
 of about a league in circumference, and altogether destitute of 
 vegetation, if we except a species of prickly pear. In approach- 
 ing it from the northward, a singular ledge of rock is seen pro- 
 jecting into the sea, and bearing a strong resemblance to corded 
 bales of cotton. Around this ledge to the westward is a small 
 bay, at the bottom of which our boats effected a convenient 
 landing. 
 
 It did not take us long to explore every portion of the island, 
 but, with one exception, we found nothing worthy of our obser- 
 vation. In the southern extremity, we picked up near the shore, 
 half buried in a pile of loose stones, a piece of wood, which 
 seemed to have formed the prow of a canoe. There had been 
 evidently some attempt at carving upon it, and Captain Guy 
 fancied that he made out the figure of a tortoise, but the resem- 
 blance did not strike me very forcibly. Besides this prow, if 
 such it were, we found no other token that any living creature 
 had ever been here before. Around the coast we discovered 
 occasional small floes of ice but" .these were very few. The 
 exact situation of this islet (to which Captain Guy gave the name 
 of Bennet's Islet, in honor of his partner in the ownership of the 
 schooner) is 82 50' S. latitude, 42 20' W. longitude. 
 
 We had now advanced to the southward more than eight de- 
 grees farther than any previous navigators, and the sea still lay 
 perfectly open before us. We found, too, that the variation 
 uniformly decreased as we proceeded, and, what was still more 
 surprising, that the temperature of the air. and latterly of the 
 water, became milder. The weather might even be called
 
 140 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 pleasant, and we had a steady but very gen le breeze always 
 from some northern point of the compass. The sky was usually 
 clear, with now and then a slight appearance of thin vapor in the 
 southern horizon this, however, was invariably of brief duration. 
 Two difficulties alone presented themselves to our view ; we 
 were getting short of fuel, and symptoms of scurvy had occurred 
 among several of the crew. These considerations began to im- 
 press upon Captain Guy the necessity of returning, and he spoke 
 of it frequently. For my own part, confident as I was of soon 
 arriving at land of some description upon the course we were 
 pursuing, and having every reason to believe, from present ap- 
 pearances, that we should not find it the sterile soil met with in 
 the higher Arctic latitudes, I warmly pressed upon him the 
 expediency of persevering, at' least for a few days longer, in the 
 direction we were now holding. So tempting an opportunity of 
 solving the great problem in regard to an Antarctic continent 
 had never yet been afforded to man, and I confess that I felt my- 
 self bursting with indignation at the timid and ill-timed sugges- 
 tions of our commander. I believe, indeed, that what I could 
 not refrain from saying to him on this head had the effect of indu- 
 cing him to push on. While, therefore, I cannot but lament the 
 most unfortunate and bloody events which immediately arose 
 from my advice, I must still be allowed to feel some degree of 
 gratification at having been instrumental, however remotely, in 
 opening to the eye of science one of the most intensely exciting 
 secrets which has ever engrossed its attention. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 JANUARY 18. This morning* we continued to the southward, 
 with the same pleasant weather as before. The sea was entirely 
 smooth, the air tolerably warm and from the northeast, the tem- 
 perature :>f the water fifty-three. We now again got our sound- 
 ing-gear in order, and, with a hundred and fifty fathoms of line, 
 
 * The terms morning and evening, which I have made use of to avoid 
 confusion in my narrative, as far as possible, must not, of rourse, be taken
 
 A. GORDON PVM. 141 
 
 found the current setting towards the pole at the rate of a mil 
 tin hour. This constant tendency to ihe southward, both in th< 
 wind and current, caused some degree of speculation, and even 
 of alarm, in different quarters of the schooner, and I saw dis- 
 tinctly that no little impression had been made upon the mind 
 of Captain Guy. He was exceedingly sensitive to ridicule, 
 however, and I finally succeeded in laughing him out of his ap- 
 prehensions. The variation was now very trivial. In the course 
 of the day we saw several large whales of the right species, and 
 innumerable flights of the albatross passed over the vessel. We 
 also picked up a bush, full of red berries, like those of the haw- 
 thorn, and the carcass of a singular-looking land-animal. It 
 was three feet in length, and but six inches in height, with four 
 very short legs, the feet armed with long claws of a brilliant 
 scarlet, and resembling coral in substance. The body was 
 covered with a straight silky hair, perfectly white. The tail was 
 peaked like that of a rat, and about a foot and a half long. The 
 head resembled a cat's, with the exception of the ears these 
 were flapped like the ears of a dog. The teeth were of the same 
 brilliant scarlet as the claws. 
 
 January 19. To-day, being in latitude 83 20', longitude 43 
 5' "W. (the sea being of an extraordinarily dark color), we again 
 saw land from the masthead, and, upon a closer scrutiny, found 
 it to be one of a group of very large islands. The shore was 
 precipitous, and the interior seemed to be well wooded, a circum- 
 stance which occasioned us great joy. In about four hours from 
 our first discovering the land we came to anchor in ten fathoms, 
 sandy bottom,'a league from the coast, as a high surf, with strong 
 ripples here and there, rendered a nearer approach of doubtful 
 expediency. The two largest boats were now ordered out, and 
 a party, well armed (among whom were Peters and myself), 
 
 in their ordinary sense. For a long time past we had had no nighl at all, 
 the daylight being continual. The dates throughout are according to nauti- 
 cal time, and the bearings must be understood as per compass. I would 
 also remark, in this place, that I cannot, in the first portion of what is here 
 written, pretend to strict accuracy in respect to dates, or latitudes and lon-- 
 gitudes, having kept no regular journal until after the period of which this 
 first portion treats. In many instances I have relied altogether upon 
 memory.
 
 142 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 proceeded to look for an opening in the reef which appeared to 
 encircle the island. Afier searching about for some time, we 
 discovered an inlet, which we were 2ntering, when we saw four 
 large canoes put off from the shore, filled with men who seemed 
 to be well armed. We waited for them to come up, and, as they 
 moved with great rapidity, they were soon within hail. Captain 
 Guy now held up a white handkerchief on the blade of an oar, 
 when the strangers made a full stop, and commenced a loud jab- 
 bering all at once, intermingled with occasional shouts, in which 
 we could distinguish the words Anamoo-moo! and Lama-Lama ! 
 They continued this for at least half an hour, during which we 
 had a good opportunity of observing their appearance. 
 
 In the four canoes, which might have been fifty feet long and 
 five broad, there were a hundred and ten savages in all. They 
 were about the ordinary stature of Europeans, but of a more 
 muscular and brawny frame Their complexion a jet black, 
 with thick and long woolly hair. They were clothed in skins of 
 an unknown black animal, shaggy and silky, and made to fit the 
 body with some degree of skill, the hair being inside, except 
 where turned out about the neck, wrists, and ankles. Their 
 arms consisted principally of clubs, of a dark, and apparently 
 very heavy wood. Some spears, however, were observed amcng 
 them, headed with flint, and a few slings. The bottoms of the 
 canoes were full of black stones about the size of a large egg. 
 
 When they had concluded their harangue (for it was clear 
 they intended theii jabbering for such), one of them who seemed 
 to be the chief stood up in the pro\v of his canoe, and made 
 signs for us to bring our boats alongside of him. This hint we 
 pretended not to understand, thinking it the wiser plan to main- 
 tain, if possible, the interval between us, as their number more 
 than quadrupled our own. Finding this to be the case, the chief 
 ordered the three other canoes to hold back, while he advanced 
 towards us with his own. As soon as he came up with us he 
 leaped on board the largest of our boats, and seated himself by 
 the side of Captain Guy, pointing at the same time to the 
 schooner, and repeating the words Anamoo-moo! and Lama- 
 Lama! We now put back to the vessel the four canoes follow- 
 ing at a little distance.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 143 
 
 Upon getting alongside, the chief evinced symptoms of extreme 
 surprise and delight, clapping his hands, slapping his thighs and 
 breast, and laughing obstreperously. His followers behind 
 joined in his merriment, and for some minutes the din was so 
 excessive as to be absolutely deafening. Quiet being at length 
 restored, Captain Guy ordered the boats to be hoisted up, as n 
 necessary precaution, and gave the chief (whose name we soon 
 found to be Too-wit) to understand that "ve could admit no mora 
 than twenty of his men on deck at one time. With this arrange- 
 ment he appeared perfectly satisfied, and gave some directions 
 to the canoes, when one of them approached, the rest remaining 
 about fifty yards off. Twenty of the savages now got on board, 
 and proceeded to ramble over every part of the deck, and 
 scramble about among the rigging, making themselves much at 
 home, and examining every article with great inquisitiveness. 
 
 It was quite evident that they had never before seen any of 
 the white race from whose complexion, indeed, they appeared 
 to recoil. They believed the Jane to be a living creature, and 
 seemed to be afraid of hurting it with the points of their spears 
 carefully turning them up. Our crew were much amused with 
 the conduct of Too-wit in one instance. The cook was splitting 
 some wood near the galley, and, by accident, struck his axe into 
 the deck, making a gash of considerable depth. The chief im- 
 mediately ran up, and pushing the cook on one side rather 
 roughly, commenced a, half whine, half howl, strongly indicative 
 of sympathy in what he considered the sufferings of the schooner, 
 patting and smoothing the gash with his hand, and washing it 
 from a bucket of seawater which stood by. This was a degree 
 of ignorance for which we were not prepared, and for my part I 
 could not help thinking some of it atfected. 
 
 When the visitors had satisfied, as well as they could, their 
 curiosity in regard to our upper works, they were admitted be- 
 low, when their amazement exceeded all bounds. Their aston- 
 ishment now appeared to be far too dt,ep for words, for they 
 roamed about in silence, broken only by low ejaculations. The 
 arms afforded them much food for speculation, and they were 
 Buffered to handle and examine them at leisure. 1 do not believe 
 that they had the least suspicion of their actual use, but rather
 
 144 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 took them for idols, seeing the care we had of them, and the 
 attention with \vhich we watched their movements while hand- 
 ling them. At the great guns their wonder was redoubled 
 They approached them with every mark of the profoundest 
 reveivnce and awe, but forbore to examine them minutely 
 There were two large mirrors in the cabin, and here was the 
 acme of their amazement. Too-wit was the first to approach 
 them, and he had got in the middle of the cabin, with his face to 
 one and his back to the other, before he fairly perceived them. 
 Upon raising his eyes and seeing his reflected self in the glass. I 
 thought the savage would go mad ; but, upon turning short 
 round to make a retreat, and beholding himself a second time in 
 the opposite direction, I was afraid he would expire upon the 
 spot. No persuasion could prevail upon him to take another 
 look ; but, throwing himself upon the floor, with his face buried 
 in his hands, he remained thus until we were obliged to drag 
 him upon deck. 
 
 The whole of the savages were admitted on board in this 
 manner, twenty at a time, Too-wit being suffered to remain 
 during the entire period. We saw no disposition to thievery 
 among them, nor did we miss a single article after their depart- 
 ure. Throughout the whole of their visit they evinced the most 
 friendly manner. There were, however, some points in their 
 demeanor which we found it impossible to understand : for ex- 
 ample, we could not get them to approach several very harmless 
 objects such as the schooner's sails, an egg, an open book, or a 
 pan of flour. We endeavored to ascertain if they had among 
 them any articles Avhich might be turned to account in the way 
 of traffic, but found great difficulty in being comprehended. We 
 made out, nevertheless, what greatly astonished us, that the 
 islands abounded in the large tortoise of the Gallipagos. one of 
 which we saw in the canoe of Too-wit. We saw also some 
 biche de mer in the hands of one of the savages, who was greed- 
 ily devouring it in its natural state. These anomalies, for they 
 were such when considered in regard to the latitude, induced 
 Captain Guy to wish for a thorough investigation of the country, 
 in the hope of making a profitable speculation in his discovery. 
 For my own part, anxious as I \vas to know something more of
 
 \ GORDON PYM. 145 
 
 r.hese islands, I was still more earnestly bent on prosecuting the 
 voyage to the southward without delay. We had now fine 
 weather, but there was no telling how long it would last ; and 
 being already in the eighty-fourth parallel, with an open sea be- 
 fore us, a current setting strongly to the southward, and the wind 
 fair, I could not listen with any patience to a proposition of 
 stopping longer than was absolutely necessary for the health of 
 the crew and the taking on board a proper supply of fuel and 
 fresh provisions. I represented to the captain that we might 
 easily make this group on our return, and winter here in the 
 event of being blocked up by the ice. He at length came into 
 my views (for in some way, hardly known to myself, I had ac- 
 quired much influence over him), and it was finally resolved thatj 
 even in the event of our finding biche de ?ner, we should only stay 
 here a week to recruit, and then push on to the southward while 
 we might. Accordingly we made every necessary preparation, 
 and, under the guidance of Too-wit, got the Jane through the 
 reef in safety, coming to anchor about a mile from the shore, in 
 an excellent bay, completely landlocked, on the southeastern coast 
 of the main island, and in ten fathoms of water, black sandy bot- 
 tom. At the head of this bay there were three fine springs (we 
 were told) of good water, arid we saw abundance of wood in the 
 vicinity. The four canoes followed us in, keeping, however, at a 
 respectful distance. Too-wit himself remained on board, and, 
 upon our dropping anchor, invited us to accompany him on shore, 
 and visit his village in the interior. To this Captain Guy con- 
 sented ; and ten savages being left on board as hostages, a party 
 of us, twelve in all, got in readiness to attend the chief. We 
 took care to be well armed, yet without evincing any distrust. 
 The schooner had her guns run out, her boarding-nettings up, 
 and every other proper precaution was taken to guard against 
 surprise. Directions were left with the chief mate to admit no 
 person on board during our absence, and, in the event of our not 
 appearing in twelve hours, to send the cutter, with a swivel, 
 Around the island in search of us. 
 
 At every step we took inland the conviction forced itself upon 
 us that we were in a country differing essentially from any hith- 
 erto visited by civilized men. We saw nothing with which we
 
 146 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 tnd been formerly conversant. The trees resembled no giowth 
 of either the torrid, the temperate, or the northern frigid zones 
 and were altogether unlike those of the lower southern latitudes 
 we had already traversed. The very rocks were novel in their 
 mass, their color, and their stratification ; and the streams them- 
 selves, utterly incredible as it may appear, had so little in com 
 mon with those of other climates, that we were scrupulous of 
 tasting them, and, indeed, had difficulty in bringing ourselves to 
 believe that their qualities were purely those of nature. At a 
 small brook which crossed our path (the first we had reached) 
 Too-wit and his attendants halted to drink. On account of the 
 singular character of the water, we refused to taste it, supposing 
 it to be polluted ; and k was not until some time afterward we 
 came to understand that such was the appearance of the streams 
 throughout the whole group. I am at a loss to give a distinct 
 idea of the nature of this liquid, and cannot do so without many 
 words. Although it flowed with rapidity in all declivities where 
 common water would do so, yet never, except when falling in a 
 cascade, had it the customary appearance of limpidity. It was, 
 nevertheless, ia point of fact, as perfectly limpid as any limestone 
 water in existence, the difference being only in appearance. At 
 first sight, and especially in cases where little declivity was 
 found, it bore resemblance, as regards consistency, to a thick in- 
 fusion of gum Arabic in common water. But this was only the 
 least remarkable of its extraordinary qualities. It was not color- 
 '<>ss, nor was it of any one uniform color presenting to the eye, 
 as it flowed, every possible shade of purple, like the hues of a 
 Changeable silk. This variation in shade was produced in a 
 manner which excited as profound astonishment in the minds of 
 our party as the mirror had done in the case of Too-wit. Upon 
 collecting a basinful, and allowing it to settle thoroughly, we per- 
 ceived that the whole mass of liquid was made up of a number of 
 distinct veins, each of a distinct hue; that these veins did not 
 commingle ; and that their cohesion was perfect in regard to theii 
 own particles among themselves, and imperfect in regard to 
 neighboring veins. Upon passing the blade of a knife athwart 
 the -veins, the water closed over it immediately, as with MS, and 
 also, in withdrawing it, all traces of the passage of the knife were
 
 \. GORDON PYM. 147 
 
 instantly obliterated. If, however, the blade was passed down 
 accurately between the two veins, a pnrfect separation was ef 
 f'ected, which, the power of cohesion did not immediately rectify 
 The phenomena of this water formed the first definite link in that 
 vast chain of apparent miracles with which I was destined to be 
 at length encircled. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 WE were nearly three hours in reaching the village, it being 
 more than nine miles in the interior, and the path lying through 
 a rugged country. As we passed along, the party of Too-wit 
 (the whole hundred and ten savages of the canoes) was mo- 
 mentarily strengthened by smaller detachments, of from two to 
 six or seven, which joined us, a; if by accident, at different turns 
 in the road. There appeared so much of system in this that I 
 could not help feeling distrust, and I spoke to Captain Guy of 
 my apprehensions. It was now too late, however, to recede, and 
 we concluded that our best security lay in evincing a perfect con- 
 fidence in the good faith of Too-wit. We accordingly went on, 
 keeping a wary eye upon the manoeuvres of the savages, and not 
 permitting them to divide our numbers by pushing in between. 
 In this way, passing through a precipitous ravine, we at length 
 reached what we were told was the only collection of habitations 
 upon the island. As we came in sight of them, the chief set up 
 a shout, and frequently repeated the word Klock-Klock ; which 
 we supposed to be the name of the village, or perhaps the ge- 
 neric name for villages. 
 
 The dwellings were of the most miserable description imaginable, 
 and, unlike those of even the lowest of the savage races with which 
 mankind are acquainted, were of no uniform plan. Some of them 
 ;and these we found belonged to the Wampoos or Yampoos, the 
 great men of the land) consisted of a tree cut down at about four 
 feet from the root, with a large black skin thrown over it, and 
 hanging in loose folds upon the ground. Under this the savage 
 nestled. Others were formed by means of rough limbs of trees,
 
 148 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 / 
 
 with the withered foliage upon them, made to recline, at an anirta 
 of forty-five degrees, against a bank of clay, heaped up, without 
 regular form, to the height of five or six feet. Others, again, 
 were mere holes dug in the earth perpendicularly, and covered 
 over with similar branches, these being removed when the tenant 
 was about to enter, and pulled on again when he had entered. 
 A few were built among the forked limbs of trees as they stood, 
 the upper limbs being partially cut through, so as to bend over 
 upon the lower, thus forming thicker shelter from the weather. 
 The greater number, however, consisted of small shallow caverns, 
 apparently scratched in the face of a precipitous ledge of dark 
 stone, resembling fuller's earth, with which three sides of the 
 village was bounded. At the door of each of these primitive 
 caverns was a small rock, which the tenant carefully placed be- 
 fore the entrance upon leaving lib residence, for what purpose I 
 could not ascertain, as the stone itself was never of sufficient size 
 to close up more than a third of the opening. 
 
 This village, if it were worthy of the name, lay in a valley 
 of some depth, and could only be approached from the south- 
 ward, the precipitous ledge of which I have already spoken cut- 
 ting off all access in other directions. Through the middle of 
 the valley ran a brawling stream of the same magical-looking 
 water which has been described. We saw several strange ani- 
 mals about the dwellings, all appearing to be thoroughly domes- 
 ticated. The largest of these creatures resembled our common 
 hog in the structure of the body and snout; the tail, however, 
 was bushy, and the legs slender as those of the antelope. Its 
 motion was exceedingly awkward and indecisive, and we never 
 saw it attempt to run. We noticed also several animals very 
 similar in appearance, but of a greater length of body, and cov- 
 ered with a black wool. There were a great variety of tame 
 fowls running about, and these seemed to constitute the chief 
 food of the natives. To our astonishment we saw black albatross 
 among these birds in a state of entire domestication, going to 
 sea periodically for food, but always returning to the village a& 
 a home, and using the southern shore in the vicinity as a place 
 of incubation. There they were joined by their friends the 
 pelicans as usual, but these latter never followed them to the
 
 A. GORDON PYM 149 
 
 dwellings of the savages. Among the other kinds of lame 
 fowls were duck?, differing very little from the canvass-back of 
 our own country, black gannets, and a large bird not unlike the 
 buzzard in appearance, but not carnivorous. Of fish there 
 seemed to be a great abundance. We saw, during our visit, a 
 quantity of dried salmon, rock cod, blue dolphins, mackerel, 
 blackfish. skate, conger eels, elephanl-fish, mullets, soles, parrot' 
 fish, leather-jackets, gurnards, hake, flounders, paracutas, and 
 innumerable other varieties. We noticed, too. that most of them 
 were similar to the fish about the group of the Lord Auckland 
 Islands, in a latitude as low as fifty-one degrees south. The 
 Gallipago tortoise was also very plentiful. We saw but few 
 wild animals, and none of a large size, or of a species with which 
 we were familiar. One or two serpents of a formidable aspect 
 crossed our path, but the natives paid them little attention, and 
 we concluded that they were not venomous. 
 
 As \ve approached the village with Too-wit and his party, a 
 vast crowd of the people rushed out to meet us, with loud 
 siiouts, among which we could only distinguish the everlasting 
 Anamoo-moo ! and Lama-Lama! We were much surprised at 
 perceiving that, with one or two exceptions, these new comers 
 were entirely naked, the skins being used only by the men of 
 the canoes. All the weapons of the country seemed also to be 
 in the possession of the latter, for there was no appearance of 
 any among the villagers. There were a great many women and 
 children, the former not altogether wanting in what might be 
 termed personal beauty. They were straight, tall, and well 
 formed, with a grace and freedom of carriage not to be found in 
 civilized society. Their lips, however, like those of the men, 
 were thick and clumsy, so that, even when laughing, the teeth 
 were never disclosed. Their hair was of a finer texture than 
 that of the males. Among these naked villagers there might 
 have been ten or twelve who were clothed, like the party of 
 Too-wit, in dresses of black skin, and armed with lances and 
 heavy clubs. These appeared to have great influence among 
 the rest, and were always addressed by the title Wampoo. 
 These, too, were the tenants of the black skin palaces. That 01 
 Too-wit was situated in the centre of the village, and was much
 
 150 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 largor and somewhat better constructed than others of its kind 
 The tree which formed its support was cut off at a distance of 
 twelve feet or thereabout from the root, and there were several 
 branches left just below the cut, these serving to extend the 
 covering, and in this way prevent its flapping about the trunk. 
 The covering, too, which consisted of four very large skins fast- 
 ened together with wooden skewers, was secured at the bottom 
 with pegs driven through it and into the ground. The floor was 
 strewed with a quantity of dry leaves by way of carpet. 
 
 To this hut we were conducted with great solemnity, and as 
 many of the natives crowded in after us as possible. Too- wit 
 seated himself on the leaves, and made signs that we should fol- 
 low his example. This we did, and presently found ourselves 
 in a situation peculiarly uncomfortable, if not indeed critical. 
 We were on the ground, twelve in number, with the savages, as 
 many as forty, sitting on their hams so closely around us that, if 
 any disturbance had arisen, we should have found it impossible 
 to make use of our arms, or indeed to have risen on our feet. 
 The pressure was not only inside the tent, but outside, where 
 probably was every individual on the whole island, the crowd 
 being prevented from trampling us to death only by the incessant 
 exertions and vociferations of Too-wit. Our chief security lay, 
 however, in the presence of Too-wit himself among us, and we 
 resolved to stick by him closely, as the best chance of extricating 
 ourselves from the dilemma, sacrificing him immediately upon 
 the first appearance of hostile design. 
 
 After some trouble a certain degree of quiet was restored 
 when the chief addressed us in a speech of great length, and 
 very nearly resembling the one delivered in the canoes, with 
 the exception that the Anamoo-moos ! were now somewhat more 
 strenuously insisted upon than the Lama-Lumus ! We listened 
 in profound silence until the conclusion of his harangue, when 
 Captain Guy replied by assuring the chief of his eternal friend- 
 ship and good-will, concluding what he had to say by a present 
 of several strings of blue beads and a knife. At the former the 
 monarch, much to our surprise, turned up his nose with some 
 expression of contempt ; but the knife gave him the most un- 
 limited satisfaction, and he immediately ordevf-d dinnev. Thi
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 151 
 
 was handed into the tent over the heads of the attendants, and 
 consisted of the palpitating entrails of a species of unknown 
 animal, probably one of the slim-legged hogs which we had 
 observed in our approach to the village. Seeing us at a loss 
 how to proceed, he began, by way of setting us an example, to 
 devour yard after yard of the enticing food, until we could posi- 
 tively stand it no longer, and evinced such manifest symptoms 
 of rebellion of stomach as inspired his majesty with a degree of 
 astonishment only inferior to that brought about by the looking- 
 glasses. We declined, however, partaking of the delicacies 
 before us, and endeavored to make him understand that we had 
 no appetite whatever, having just finished a hearty dejeuner. 
 
 When the monarch had made an end of his meal, we com- 
 mciiced a series of cross-questioning in every ingenious manner 
 we could devise, with a view of discovering what were the chief 
 productions of the country, and whether any of them might be 
 turned to profit. At length he seemed to have some idea of our 
 meaning, and oifered to accompany us to a part of the coast 
 where he assured us the biche de mer (pointing to a specimen of 
 that animal) was to be found in great abundance. We were 
 glad at this early opportunity of escaping from the oppression 
 of the crowd, and signified our eagerness to proceed. We now 
 left the tent, and, accompanied by the whole population of the 
 village, followed the chief to the southeastern extremity of the 
 island, not far from the bay where our vessel lay at anchor. We 
 waited here for about an hour, until the four canoes were brought 
 round by some of the savages to our station. The whole of our 
 party then getting into one of them, we were paddled along tho 
 edge of the reef before mentioned, and of another still farther 
 out, where we saw a far greater quantity of biche de mer than 
 the oldest seaman among us had ever seen in those groups of 
 the lower latitudes most celebrated for this article of commerce. 
 We stayed near these reefs only long enough to satisfy ourselves 
 that we could easily load a dozen vessels with the animal if 
 necessary, when we were taken alongside the schooner, and 
 parted with Too-wit, after obtaining from him a promise that he 
 would bring us. in the course of twenty-four hours, as many of 
 the ranvass-back duck and Gallipago tortoises as his canoes
 
 152 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 would hold. In the whole of this adventure <ve saw nothing in 
 the demeanor of the natives calculated to create suspicion, with 
 the single exception of the systematic manner in which their 
 party was strengthened during our route from the schooner to 
 the village. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 THE chief was as good as his word, and we were soon plentifully 
 fcupplied with fresh provision. We found the tortoises as fine as 
 we had ever seen, and the ducks surpassed our best species of 
 wild fowl, being exceedingly tender, juicy, and well-flavored. 
 Besides these, the savages brought us, upon our making them 
 cemprehend our wishes, a vast quantity of brown celery and 
 scurvy grass, with a canoe-load of fresh fish and some dried. The 
 celery was a treat indeed, and the scurvy grass proved of incal- 
 culable benefit in restoring those of our men who had shown 
 symptoms of disease. In a very short time we had not a single 
 person on the sick-list. We had also plenty of other kinds of 
 fresh provision, among which may be mentioned a species of 
 shell-fish resembling the muscle in shape, but with the taste 
 of an oyster. Shrimps, too, and prawns were abundant, and 
 albatross and other birds' eggs with dark shells. We took in, 
 too, a plentiful stock of the flesh of 'the hog which I have men- 
 tioned before. Most of the men found it a palatable food, but I 
 thought it fishy and otherwise disagreeable. In return for these 
 good things we presented the natives with blue beads, brass 
 trinkets, nail?, knives, and pieces of red cloth, they being fully 
 delighted in the exchange. We established a regular market on 
 shore, just under the guns of the schooner, where our barterings 
 were carried on with every appearance of good faith, and a de- 
 gree of order which their conduct at the village of Klock-klock 
 had not led us to expect from the savages. 
 
 Matters went on thus very amicably forseveral days, during which 
 parties of the natives were frequently on board the schooner, and 
 parties of our men frequently on shore, ' making long excursion?
 
 A. GORDON IY.M. 153 
 
 Into the interior, and receiving no molestation whatever. Find- 
 ing the ease with which the vessel might be loaded with Inche df 
 >;?;'/% owing to the friendly disposition of the islanders, and the 
 readiness with which they would render us assistance in collecting 
 it, Captain Guy resolved to enter into negotiation with Too-wit 
 for the erection of suitable houses in which to cure the article, 
 and for the services of himself and tribe in gathering as much as 
 possible, while he himself took advantage of the fine weather to 
 prosecute his voyage to the southward. Upon mentioning this 
 project to the chief he seemed very willing to enter into an agree- 
 ment. A bargain was accordingly struck, perfectly satisfactory 
 to both parties, by which it was arranged that, after making the 
 necessary preparations, such as laying off the proper grounds, 
 erecting a portion of the buildings, and doing some other work in 
 which the whole of our crew would be required, the schooner 
 should proceed on her route, leaving three of her men on the 
 island to superintend the fulfilment of the project, and instruct 
 the natives in drying the biche de mer. In regard to terms, these 
 were made to depend upon the exertions of the savages in our 
 absence. They were to receive a stipulated quantity of blue 
 beads, knives, red cloth, and so forth, for every certain number 
 of piculs of the biche de mer which should be ready on our re- 
 turn. 
 
 A description of the nature of this important article of com- 
 merce, and the method of preparing it, may prove of some inter- 
 est to my readers, and I can find no more suitable place than this 
 for introducing an account of it. The following comprehensive 
 notice of the substance is taken from a modern history of a voy- 
 age to the South Seas. 
 
 " It is that mollusca from the Indian Seas which is known in 
 commerce by the French name bouche de mer (a nice morsel 
 from the sea). If I am not much mistaken, the celebrated Cuvier 
 calls it gastcropeda pidmonifera. It is abundantly gathered in 
 the coasts of the Pacific Islands, and gathered especially for the 
 Chinese market, where it commands a great price, perhaps as 
 much as their much-talked-of edible bird's nests, which are pro- 
 bably made up of the gelatinous matter picked up by a specie? 
 of swallow from the body of these molluscas. They have no
 
 15 4 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 shell, no legs, nor any prominent part, except an absorbing ami 
 an excretory, opposite organs ; but, by their elastic wings, like 
 caterpillars or worms, they creep in shallow waters, in which, 
 when low, they can be seen by a kind of swallow, the sharp bill 
 of which, inserted in the soft animal, draws a gummy and fila- 
 mentous substance, which, by drying, can be wrought into the 
 solid walls of their nest. Hence the name of gasteropeda pul- 
 monifera. 
 
 This mollusca is oblong, and of different sizes, from three to 
 eighteen inches in length ; and I have seen a few that were not 
 less than two feet long. They are nearly round, a little flattish 
 on one side, which lies next the bottom of the sea ; and they are, 
 from one to eight inches thick. They crawl up into shallow wa- 
 ter at particular seasons of the year, probably for the purpose of 
 gendering, as we often find them in pairs. It is when the sun 
 has the most power on the water, rendering it tepid, that they 
 approach the shore ; and they often go up into places so shallow 
 that, on the tide's receding, they are left dry, exposed to the heat 
 i>f the sun. But they do not bring forth their young in shallow 
 water, as we never see any of their progeny, and the full-grown 
 ones are always observed coming in from deep water. They feed 
 principally on that class of zoophytes which produce the coral. 
 
 " The biche de mer is generally taken in three or four feet 
 water ; after which they are brought on shore, and split at one 
 end with a knife, the incision being one inch or more, according 
 to the size of the mollusca. Through this opening the entrails 
 are forced out by pressure, and they are much like those of any 
 other small tenant of the deep. The article is then washed, and 
 afterward boiled to a certain degree, which must not be too much 
 or too little. They are then buried in the ground for four hours 
 then boiled again for a short time, after which they are dried, 
 either by the fire or the sun. Those cured by the sun are worth 
 the most; but where one picul (1331 Ibs.) can be cured that way, 
 I can cure thirty piculs by the fire. When once properly cured, 
 they can be kept in a dry place for two or three years without 
 any risk ; but they should be examined once in every few 
 months, say four times a year, to see if any dampness is likely to 
 effect them.
 
 A. UURDON PYM. 155 
 
 " The Chinese, as before stated, consider liclie de mer a very 
 great luxury, believing that it wonderfully strengthens and nour- 
 ishes the system, and renews the exhausted system of the im- 
 moderate voluptuary. The first quality commands a high price 
 in Canton, being worth ninety dollars a picul ; the second quality 
 seventy-five dollars ; the third fifty dollars ; the fourth thirty dol- 
 lars ; the fifth twenty dollars ; the sixth twelve dollars ; the 
 seventh eight dollars ; and the eighth four dollars ; small cargoes, 
 however, will often bring more in Manilla, Singapore, and Batavia." 
 
 An agreement having been thus entered into, we proceeded 
 immediately to land everything necessary for preparing the 
 buildings and clearing the ground. A large flat space near the 
 eastern shore of the bay was selected, where there was plenty 
 both of wood and w r ater, and within a convenient distance of the 
 principal reefs on which the biche de mer was to be procured. 
 We now all set to work in good earnest, and soon, to the great 
 astonishment of the savages, had felled a sufficient number of 
 trees for our purpose, getting them quickly in order for the frame 
 work of the houses, which in two or three days were so far under 
 way that we could safely trust the rest of the work to the three 
 men whom w r e intended to leave behind. These were John Car 
 son, Alfred Harris, Peterson (all natives of London, I be- 
 lieve), who volunteered their services in this respect. 
 
 By the last of the month we had everything in readiness for 
 departure. We had agreed, however, to pay a formal visit of 
 leavestaking to the village, and Too-wit insisted so pertinaciously 
 upon our keeping the promise, that we did not think it advisable 
 to run the risk of offending him by a final refusal. I believe 
 that not one of us had at this time the slightest suspicion of the 
 good faith of the savages. They had uniformly behaved with 
 the greatest decorum, aiding us with alacrity in our work, offer- 
 ing us their commodities, frequently without price, and never, 
 in any instance, pilfering a single article, although the high 
 value they set upon the goods we had with us was evident by 
 the extravagant demonstrations of joy always manifested upon 
 our making them a present. The women especially were most 
 obliging in every respect, and, upon the whole, we should have 
 been the most suspicious of human beings had we entertained
 
 156 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 a single thought of perfidy on the part of a people wlu treat wl 
 us &o well. A very short while sufficed to prove that this appa- 
 rent kindness of disposition was only the result of a deeply-laid 
 plan for our destruction, and that the islanders for whom we en- 
 tertained such inordinate feelings of esteem, were among the 
 jiost barbarous, subtle, and bloodthirsty wretches that ever con- 
 taminated the face of the globe. 
 
 It was on the first of February that we went on shore for the 
 purpose of visiting the village. Although, as said before, we 
 entertained not the slightest suspicion, still no proper precaution 
 was neglected. Six men were left in the schooner, with instruc- 
 tions to permit none of the savages to approach the vessel during 
 our absence, under any pretence whatever, and to remain con- 
 stantly on deck. The boarding-nettings were up, the guns 
 double-shotted with grape and canister, and the swivels loaded 
 with canisters of musket-balls. She lay, with her anchor apeak, 
 *bout a mile from the shore, and no canoe could approach her 
 >n any direction without being distinctly seen and exposed to 
 the full fire of our swivels immediately. 
 
 The six men being left on board, our shore-party consisted ol 
 thirty-two persons in all. We were armed to the teeth, bavin;; 
 with us muskets, pistols, and cutlasses, besides each a long kinci 
 of seaman's knife, somewhat resembling the Bowie knife now ao 
 much used throughout our western and southern country. A 
 hundred of the black skin warriors met us at the landing for the 
 purpose of accompanying us on our way. We noticed, however, 
 with some surprise, that they were now entirely without arms i 
 and, upon questioning Too-wit in relation to this circumstance, 
 he merely answered that Mattce non we pa pa si meaning that 
 there was no need of arms where all were brothers. We took 
 this in good part, and proceeded. 
 
 We had passed the spring and rivulet of which I before 
 spoke, and were now entering upon a narrow gorge leading 
 through the chain of soapstone hills among which the village 
 was situated. This gorge was very rocky and uneven, so much 
 so that it was with no little difficulty we scrambled through it on 
 our first visit to Klock-klock. The whole length of the ravine 
 might have been a mile and a half, or probably two miles. It
 
 A. GORDON PYM. . 157 
 
 wound in every possible direction through the hills (having 
 apparently formed, at some remote period, the bed of a torrent), 
 in no instance proceeding more than twenty yards without an 
 abrupt turn. The sides of this dell would have averaged, I am 
 sure, seventy or eighty feet in perpendicular altitude throughout 
 the whole of their extent, and in some portions they arose to an 
 ast< nishing height, overshadowing the pass so completely that 
 but little of the light of day could penetrate. The general width 
 was about forty, feet, and occasionally it diminished so as not to 
 allow the passage of more than five or six persons abreast. In 
 short, there could be no place in the world better adapted for the 
 consummation of an ambuscade, and it was no more than natural 
 that we should look carefully to our arms as we entered upon it. 
 When I now think of our egregious folly, the chief subject of 
 astonishment seems to be, that we should have ever ventured, 
 under any circumstances, so completely into the power of un- 
 known savages as to permit them to march both before and 
 behind us in our progress through this ravine. Yet such was 
 the order we blindly took up, trusting foolishly to the force of 
 our party, the unarmed condition of Too-wit and his men, the 
 certain efficacy of our fire-arms (whose effect was yet a secret to 
 the natives), and, more than all, to the long-sustained pretension 
 of friendship kept up by these infamous wretches. Five or six 
 of them went on before, as if to lead the way, ostentatiously 
 busying themselves in removing the larger stones and rubbish 
 from the path, j^ext came our own party. We walked closely 
 together, taking care only to prevent separation. Behind fol- 
 lowed the main body of the savages, observing unusual order 
 and decorum. 
 
 Dirk Peters, a man named Wilson Allen, and myself were on 
 the right of our companions, examining, as we went along, the 
 singular stratification of the precipice which overhung us. A 
 fissure in the soft rock attracted our attention. It was about 
 wide enough for one person to enter without squeezing, and ex- 
 tended back into the hill some eighteen or twenty feet in a 
 straight course, sloping afterward to the left. The height of the 
 opening, as far as we could see into it from the main gorge, was 
 perhaps sixty or seventy feet. There were one or two stunted
 
 158 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 shrubs growing from the crevices, bearing a species of filberi 
 which I felt some curiosity to examine, and pushed in briskly 
 for that purpose, gathering five or six of the nuts at a gnv>p, 
 and then hastily retreating. As I turned, I fo ind that Peters 
 and Allen had followed me. I desired them to go back, as there 
 was not room for two persons to pass, saying they shouM have 
 some ol my nuts. They accordingly turned, and were scram- 
 bling back, Allen being close to the mouth of the fissure, when 
 I was suddenly aware of a concussion resembling nothing I had 
 ever before experienced, and which impressed me with a vague 
 conception, if indeed I then thought of anything, that the whole 
 foundations of the solid globe were suddenly rent asunder, and 
 that the day of universal dissolution was at hand. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 As soon as I could collect my scattered senses, I found myself 
 aearly suffocated, and grovelling in utter darkness among a 
 quantity of loose earth, which was also falling upon me heavily 
 in every direction, threatening to bury me entirely. Horribly 
 alarmed at this idea, I struggled to gain my feet, and at length 
 succeeded. I then remained motionless for some moments, en- 
 deavoring to conceive what had happened to me, and where I 
 was. Presently I heard a deep groan just at my ear, and after- 
 ward the smothered voice of Peters calling to me for aid in the 
 name of God. I scrambled one or two paces forward, when I 
 fell directly over the head and shoulders of my companion, who, 
 I soon discovered, was buried in a loose mass of earth as far as 
 his middle, and struggling desperately to free himself from the 
 pressure. I tore the dirt from around him with all the energy 
 I could command, and at length succeeded in getting him out. 
 
 As soon as we sufficiently recovered from our fright and sur- 
 prise to be capable of conversing rationally, we both came to the 
 conclusion that the walls of the fissure in which we had ventured 
 had, by some convulsion of nature, or probably from their own 
 weight, caved in overhead, and that we were consequently lost 
 for ever, being thus entombed alive. For a long time we gave
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 159 
 
 up supinely to the most intense agony and despair, such as can- 
 not be adequately imagined by those who have never been in a 
 similar situation. I firmly believed that no incident ever occur- 
 ring in the course of human events is more adapted to inspire 
 the supremeness of mental and bodily distress than a case like 
 our own, of living inhumation. The blackness of darkness 
 which envelops the victim, the terrific oppression of lungs, the 
 stifling fumes from the damp earth, unite with the ghastly con- 
 siderations that we are beyond the remotest confines of hope, 
 and that, such is the allotted portion of the dead, to carry into the 
 human heart a degree of appalling awe and horror not to be 
 tolerated never to be conceived. 
 
 At length Peters proposed that we should endeavor to ascer 
 tain precisely the extent of our calamity, and grope about our 
 prison ; it being barely possible, he observed, that some opening 
 might be yet left us for escape. I caught eagerly at this hope, 
 and, arousing myself to exertion, attempted to force my way 
 through the loose earth. Hardly had I advanced a single step 
 before a glimmer of light became perceptible, enough to convince 
 me that, at all events, we should not immediately perish for want 
 of air. We now took some degree of heart, and encouraged each 
 other to hope for the best. Having scrambled over a bank of 
 rubbish which impeded our farther progress in the direction of 
 the light, we found less difficulty in advancing, and also experi- 
 enced some relief from the excessive oppression of lungs which 
 had tormented us. Presently we were enabled to obtain a glimpse 
 of the objects around, and discovered that we were near the ex- 
 tremity of the straight portion of the fissure, where it made a 
 turn to the left. A few struggles more, and we reached the 
 bend, when, to our inexpressible joy, there appeared a long seam 
 or crack extending upward a vast distance, generally at an angle 
 of about forty-five degrees, although sometimes much more pre- 
 cipitous. We could not see through the whole extent of this 
 opening ; but, as a good deal of light came down it, we had little 
 doubt of finding at the top of it -(if we could by any means reach 
 the top) a clear passage into the open air. 
 
 I now called to mind that three of us had entered the fissure 
 from the main gorge, and that our companion, Allen, was still
 
 160 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 missing ; we determined at once to retrace our steps and look for 
 him. After a long search, and much danger from the farther 
 caving in of the earth above us, Peters at length cried out to me 
 that he had hold of our companion's foot, and that his whole body 
 was deeply buried beneath the rubbish, beyond a possibility of 
 extricating him. I soon found that what he said was too true, 
 and that, of course, life had been long extinct. With sorrowf'uS 
 hearts, therefore, we left the corpse to its fate, and again made 
 our way to the bend. 
 
 The breadth of the seam was barely sufficient to admit us, and, 
 after one or two ineffectual efforts at getting up, we began once 
 more to despair. I have before said that the chain of hills 
 through which ran the main gorge was composed of a species of 
 soft rock resembling soap-stone. The sides of the cleft we were 
 now attempting to ascend were of the same material, and so ex- 
 cessively slippery, being wet, that we could get but little foot- 
 hold upon them even in their least precipitous parts ; in somo 
 places, where the ascent was nearly perpendicular, the difficulty 
 was, of course, much aggravated ; and, indeed, for some time we 
 thought it insurmountable. We took courage, however, from 
 despair ; and what, by dint of cutting steps in the soft stone with 
 our Bowie knives, and swinging, at the risk of our lives, to small 
 projecting points of a harder species of slaty rock which now and 
 then protruded from the general mass, we at length reached a 
 natural platform, from which was perceptible a patch of blue sky, 
 at the extremity of a thickly- wooded ravine. Looking back now, 
 with somewhat more leisure, at the passage through which we 
 had thus far proceeded, we clearly saw, from the appearance of 
 its side% that it was of late formation, and we concluded that the 
 concussion, whatever it was, which had so unexpectedly over- 
 whelmed us, had also, at the same moment, laid open this path 
 for escape. Being quite exhausted with exertion, and, indeed 
 so weak that we were scarcely able to stand or articulate, Peters 
 now proposed that we should endeavor to bring our companions 
 to the rescue by firing the pistols which still remained in our 
 girdles the muskets as well as cutlasses had been lost among 
 the loose earth at the bottom of the chasm. Subsequent event? 
 proved that, had we fired, we should have sorely repented it
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 161 
 
 but, luckily, a half suspicion of foul play had by this time arisen 
 in my mind, and we forbore to let the savages know of oui 
 whereabouts. 
 
 After having reposed for about an hour, we pushed on slowly 
 up the ravine, and had gone no great way before we heard a 
 succession of tremendous yells. At length we reached what 
 might be called the surface of the ground ; for our path hitherto, 
 since leaving the platform, had lain beneath an archway of high 
 rock and foliage, at a vast distance overhead. With great cau- 
 tion we stole to a narrow opening, through which we had a clear 
 sight of the surrounding country, when the whole dreadful secret 
 of the concussion broke upon us in one moment and at one 
 view. 
 
 The spot from which w looked was not far from the summit 
 of the highest peak in the range of the soapstone hills. The 
 gorge in which our party of thirty-two had entered ran within 
 fifty feet to the left of us. But, for at least one hundred yards, 
 the channel or bed of this gorge was entirely filled up with the 
 chaotic ruins of more than a million tons of earth and stone that 
 had been artificially tumbled within it. The means by which 
 the vast mass had been precipitated were not more simple than 
 evident, for sure traces of the murderous work were yet remain- 
 ing. In several spots along the top of the eastern side of the 
 gorge (we were now on the western) might be seen stakes of 
 wood driven into the earth. In these spots the earth had not 
 given way ; but throughout the whole extent of the face of the 
 precipice from which the mass had fallen, it was clear, from 
 marks left in the soil resembling those made by the drill of the 
 rock-blaster, that stakes similar to those we saw standing had 
 been inserted, at not more than a yard apart, for the length of 
 perhaps three hundred feet, and ranging at about ten feet back 
 from the edge of the gulf. Strong cords of grape vine were at- 
 tached to the stakes still remaining on the hill, and it was evi- 
 dent that such cords had also been attached to each of the other 
 stakes. I have already spoken of the singular stratification of 
 these soap-stone hills ; and the description just given of the nar- 
 row and deep fissure through which we effected our escape from 
 inhumation will afford a further conception of its nature. This
 
 162 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 was such that almost every natural convulsion would be sure to 
 split the soil into perpendiculai layers or ridges running parallel 
 with one another ; and a very moderate exertion of art would be 
 sufficient for effecting the same purpose. Of this stratification 
 the savages had availed themselves to accomplish their treacher- 
 ous ends. There can be no doubt that, by the continuous line of 
 stakes, a partial rupture of the soil had been brought about, 
 probably to the depth of one or two feet, when, by means of a 
 savage pulling at the end of each of the cords (these cords being 
 attached to the tops of the stakes, and extending back from the 
 edge of the cliff), a vast leverage power was obtained, capable 
 of hurling the whole face of the hill, upon a given signal, into the 
 bosom of the abyss below. The fate of our poor companions was 
 no longer a matter of uncertainty. We alone had escaped from 
 the tempest of that overwhelming destruction. We were the 
 i>nly living white men upon the island. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 OUR situation, as it now appeared, was scarcely less dreadful 
 than when we had conceived ourselves entombed forever. We 
 saw before us no prospect but that of being put to death by the 
 savages, or of dragging out a miserable existence in captivity 
 among them. We might, to be sure, conceal ourselves for a 
 time from their observation among the fastnesses of the hills, 
 and, as a final resort, in the chasm from which we had just 
 issued; but we must either perish in the long Polar winter 
 through cold and famine, or be ultimately discovered in our ef- 
 forts to obtain relief. 
 
 The whole country around us seemed to be swarming with 
 savages, crowds of whom, we now perceived, had come over 
 from the islands to the southward on flat rafts, doubtless with a 
 view of lending their aid in the capture and plunder of the Jane. 
 The vessel still lay calmly at anchor in the bay, those on board 
 being apparently quite unconscious of any danger awaiting them. 
 How we longed at that moment to be with them ! either to aid
 
 A. GORDOIS PYM 163 
 
 in effecting their escape, or to perish with them in attempting a 
 defence. We saw no chance even of warning them of their 
 danger without bringing immediate destruction upon our own 
 heads, with but a remote hope of benefit to them. A pistol fired 
 might suffice to apprise them that something wrong had occur- 
 red ; but the report could not possibly inform them that thei.- 
 only prospect of. safety lay in getting out of the harbor forth- 
 with it could not tell them that no principles of honor now 
 bound them to remain, that their companions were no longer 
 among the living. Upon hearing the discharge they could not 
 be more thoroughly prepared to meet the foe, who were now 
 getting ready to attack, than they already were, and always had 
 been. No good, therefore, and infinite harm, would result from 
 our firing, and, after mature deliberation, we forbore. 
 
 Our next thought was to attempt a rush towards the vessel, 
 to seize one of the four canoes which lay at the head of the bay, 
 and endeavor to force a passage on board. But the utter im- 
 possibility of succeeding in this desperate task soon became evi- 
 dent. The country, as I said before, was literally swarming 
 with the natives, skulking among the bushes and recesses of the 
 hills, so as not to be observed from the schooner. In our imme- 
 diate vicinity especially, and blockading the sole path by which 
 we could hope to attain the shore in the proper point, were sta- 
 tioned the whole party of the black skin warriors, with Too-wit 
 at their head, and apparently only waiting for some re-enforce- 
 ment to commence his onset upon the Jane. The canoes, too, 
 which lay at the head of the bay, were manned with savages, 
 unarmed, it is true, but who undoubtedly had arms within reach. 
 We were forced, therefore, however unwillingly, to remain in 
 our place of concealment, mere spectators of the conflict which 
 presently ensued. 
 
 In about half an hour we saw some sixty or seventy rafts, or 
 flatboats, with outriggers, filled with savages, and coming round 
 the southern bight of the harbor. They appeared to have no 
 arms except short clubs, and stones which lay in the bottom of 
 the rafts. Immediately afterward another detachment, still lar- 
 ger, approached in an opposite direction, and with similar weapons. 
 The lour cauoes, too, were now quickly filled with natives, start*
 
 164 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 ing up from the bushes at the head of the bay, and put off 
 swiftly to join the other parties. Thus, in less time than I have 
 taken to tell it, and as if by magic, the Jane saw herself sur- 
 rounded by an immense multitude of desperadoes evidently bent 
 upon capturing her at all hazards. 
 
 That they would succeed in so doing could not be doubted for 
 an instant. The six men left in the vessel, however resolutely 
 they might engage in her defence, were altogether unequal to 
 the proper management of the gyns, or in any manner to sus- 
 tain a contest at such odds. I could hardly imagine that they 
 would make resistance at all, but in this was deceived ; for 
 presently I saw them get springs upon the cable, and bring the 
 vessel's starboard broadside to bear upon the canoes, which by 
 this time were within pistol range, the rafts being nearly a quar- 
 ter of a mile to windward. Or/ing to some cause unknown, but 
 most probably to the agitation of our poor friends at seeing 
 themselves in so hopeless a situation, the discharge was an entire 
 failure. Not a canoe was hit or a single savage injured, the 
 shots striking short and ricocheting over their heads. The only 
 effect produced upon them was astonishment at the unexpected 
 report and smoke, which wa.5 so excessive that for some mo 
 ments I almost thought they would abandon their design entirely, 
 and return to the shore. And this they would most likely have 
 done had our men followed up their broadside by a discharge of 
 small arms, in which, as the canoes were now so near at hand, 
 they could not have failed in doing some execution, sufficient, at 
 least, to deter this party from a farther advance, until they could 
 have given the rafts also a broadside. But, in place of this, 
 they left the canoe party to recover from their panic, and, by 
 looking about them, to see that no injury had been sustained, 
 while they flew to the larboard to get ready for the rafts. 
 
 The discharge to larboard produced the most terrible effect. 
 The star and double-headed shot of the large guns cut seven or 
 eight of the rafts completely asunder, and killed, perhaps, thirty 
 or forty of the savages outright, while a hundred of them, at 
 least, were thrown into the water, the most of them dreadfully 
 wounded. The remainder, frightened out of their senses, com- 
 menced at once a precipitate retreat, not even waiting to pick
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 165 
 
 np their maimed companions, who were swimming about in 
 every direction, screaming and yelling for aid. This great suc- 
 cess, however, came too late for the salvation of our devoted 
 people. The canoe party were already on board the schooner 
 to the number of more than a hundred and fifty, the most of 
 them having succeeded in scrambling up the chains and over 
 the boarding-nettings even before the matches had been applied 
 to the larboard guns. Nothing could now withstand their brute 
 rage. Our men were borne down at once, overwhelmed, trod- 
 den under foot, and absolutely torn to pieces in an instant. 
 
 Seeing this, the savages on the rafts got the better of their 
 fears, and came up in shoals to the plunder. In five minutes the 
 Jane was a pitiable scene indeed of havoc and tumultuous out- 
 rage. The decks were split open and ripped up; the cordage, 
 sails, and everything movable on deck demolished as if by 
 magic ; while, by dint of pushing at the stern, towing with the 
 canoes, and hauling at the sides, as they swam in thousands 
 around the vessel, the wretches finally forced her on shore (the 
 cable having been slipped), and delivered her over to the good 
 orfices of Too-wit, who, during the whole of the engagement, had 
 maintained, like a skilful general, his post of security and recon- 
 noissance among the hills, but, now that the victory was com- 
 pleted to his satisfaction, condescended to scamper down wit)/ 
 his warriors of the black skin, and become a partaker in the 
 spoils. 
 
 Too-wit's descent left us at liberty to quit our hiding-place 
 and reconnoitre the hill in the vicinity of the chasm. At about 
 fifty yards from the mouth of it we saw a small spring of water, 
 at which we slaked the burning thirst that now consumed us. 
 Not far from the spring we discovered several of the filbert- 
 bushes which I mentioned before. Upon tasting the nuts we 
 found them palatable, and very nearly resembling in flavor tin: 
 common English filbert. We collected our hats full immediately, 
 deposited them within the ravine, and returned for more. While 
 we were busily employed in gathering these, a rustling in the 
 bushes alarmed us, and we were upon the point of stealing back 
 to our covert, when a large black bird of the bittern species strug 
 glingly and slowly arose above the shrubs. I was so nauoh
 
 166 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 staitled that I could do nothing, but Peters had sufficient pre- 
 sence of mind to run up to it before it could make its escape, 
 and seize it by the neck. Its struggles and screams were tre- 
 mendous, and we had thoughts of letting it go, lest the noise 
 should alarm some of the savages who might be still lurking in 
 the neighborhood. A stab with a Bowie knife, however, at 
 length brought it to the ground, and we dragged it into the 
 ravine, congratulating ourselves that, at all events," we had thus 
 obtained a supply of food enough to last us for a week. 
 
 We now went out again to look about us, and ventured a con- 
 siderable distance down the southern declivity of the hill, but 
 met with nothing else which could serve us for food. We there- 
 fore collected a quantity of dry wood and returned, seeing one 
 or two large parties of the natives on their way to the village, 
 laden with the plunder of the vessel, and who, we were appre- 
 hensive, might discover us in passing beneath the hill. 
 
 Our next care was to render our place of concealment 'as 
 secure as possible, and, with this object, we arranged some brush- 
 wood over the aperture which I have before spoken of as the 
 Dim through which we saw the patch of blue sky, on reaching 
 the platform from the interior of the chasm. We left only a 
 very small opening, just wide enough to admit of our seeing the 
 bay, without the risk of being discovered from below. Having 
 done this, we congratulated ourselves upon the security of the 
 position ; for we were now completely excluded from observa- 
 tion, as long as we chose to remain within the ravine itself, and 
 not venture out upon the hill. We could perceive no traces of 
 the savages having ever been within this hollow ; but, indeed, 
 when we came to reflect upon the probability that the lissure 
 through which we attained it had been only just now created by 
 the fall of the cliff opposite, and that no other way of attaining 
 it could be perceived, we were not so much rejoiced at the 
 thought of being secure from molestation as fearful lest there 
 ehould be absolutely no means left us for descent. We resolved 
 to explore* the summit of the hill thoroughly, when a good op- 
 portunity should offer. In the mean time we watched the mo- 
 tions of the savages through our loophole. 
 
 They had already made a complete wreck of the vessel, and
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 167 
 
 were now preparing to set her on fire. In a little while we saw 
 the smoke ascending in huge volumes from her main-hatchway, 
 and, shortly afterward, a dense mass of flame burst up from the 
 forecastle. The rigging, masts, and what remained of the saiL 
 caught immediately, and the fire spread rapidly along the decks 
 Still a great many of the savages retained their stations about 
 her, hammering with large stones, axes, and cannon balls at the 
 bolts and other copper and iron work. On the beach, and iu 
 canoes and rafts, there were not less, altogether, in the imme- 
 diate vicinity of the schooner, than ten thousand natives, besides 
 the shoals of them who, laden with booty, were making their way 
 inland and over to the neighboring islands. We now anticipated 
 a catastrophe, and were not disappointed. First of all there 
 came a smart shock (which we felt distinctly where we were as 
 if we had been slightly galvanized), but unattended with any 
 visible signs of an explosion. The savages were evidently start- 
 led, and paused for an instant from their labors and veilings. 
 They were upon the point of recommencing, when suddenly a 
 jnass of smoke puffed up from the decks, resembling a black and 
 neavy thunder-cloud then, as if from its bowels, arose a tall 
 stream of vivid fire to the height, apparently, of a quarter of a 
 mile then there came a sudden circular expansion of the 
 flame then the whole atmosphere was magically crowded, 
 in a single instant, with a wild chaos of wood, and metal, and hu 
 man limbs and, lastly, came the concussion in its fullest fury, 
 which hurled us impetuously from our feet, while the hills 
 echoed and re-echoed the tumult, and a dense shower of the mi- 
 nutest fragments of the ruins tumbled headlong in every direction 
 around us. 
 
 The havoc among the savages far exceeded our utmost expec- 
 tation, and they had now, indeed, reaped the full and perfect 
 fruits of their treachery. Perhaps a thousand perished by the 
 explosion, while at least an equal number were desperately 
 mangled. The whole surface of the ba^y was literally strewn 
 with the struggling and drowning wretches, and on shore matters 
 were even worse. They seemed utterly appalled by the sudden- 
 ness and completeness of their discomfiture, and made no efforts 
 ut assisting one another. A*, length we observed a total change
 
 168 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 in their demeanor. From absolute stupor, they appeared (o be, 
 all at once, aroused to the highest pitch of excitement, and 
 rushed wildly about, going to and from a certain point on th 
 beach, with the strangest expressions of mingled horror, rage, and 
 intense curiosity depicted on their countenances, and shouting, at 
 the top of their voices, Tekeli-li ! Tekeli-li ! 
 
 Presently we saw a large body go off into the hills, whence 
 they returned in a short time, carrying stakes of wood. These 
 they brought to the station where the crowd was the thickest, 
 which now separated so as to afford us a view of the object of all 
 this excitement. We perceived something white lying upon the 
 ground, but could not immediately make out what it was. At 
 length we saw that it was the carcass of the strange animal with 
 the scarlet teeth and claws which the schooner had picked up at 
 sea on the eighteenth of January. Captain Guy had had the 
 body preserved for the purpose of stuffing the skin and taking it 
 to England. I remember he had given some directions about it 
 just before our making the island, and it had been brought into 
 the cabin and stowed away in one of the lockers. It had now 
 been thrown on shore by the explosion ; but why it had occa- 
 sioned so much concern among the savages was more than we 
 could comprehend. Although they crowded around the carcass 
 at a little distance, none of them seemed willing to approach it 
 closely. By-and-by the men with the stakes drove them in a 
 circle around it, and, no sooner was this arrangement completed, 
 than the whole of the vast assemblage rushed into the interior ot 
 the island, with loud screams of Tekeli-li! Tckeli-li ! 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 DURING the six or seven days immediately following we re- 
 mained in our hiding-place upon the hill, going out only occasion- 
 ally, and then with the greatest precaution, for water and filberts., 
 We had made a kind of pent-house on the platform, furnishing it 
 with a bed of dry leaves, and placing in it three large flat stones.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 169 
 
 which served us for both fire-place and table. We kindled a 
 fire without difficulty by rubbing two pieces of dry wood together 
 the one soft, the other hard. The bird we had taken in such 
 good season proved excellent eating, although somewhat tough. 
 It was not an oceanic fowl, but a species of bittern, with jet black 
 and grizzly plumage, and diminutive wings in proportion to its 
 bulk. We afterward saw three of the same kind in the vicinity 
 of the ravine, apparently seeking for the one we had captured ; 
 but, as they never alighted, we had no opportunity of uatching 
 them. 
 
 As long as this fowl lasted we suffered nothing from our situa- 
 tion but it was now entirely consumed, and it became absolutely 
 necessary that we should look out for provision. The filberts 
 would not satisfy the cravings of hunger, afflicting us, too, with 
 severe gripings of the bowels, and, if freely indulged in, with 
 violent headache. We had seen several large tortoises near the 
 seashore to the eastward of the hill, and perceived they might be 
 easily taken, if we could get at them without the observation of 
 the natives. It was resolved, therefore, to make an attempt at 
 descending. 
 
 We commenced by going down the southern declivity, which 
 seemed to offer the fewest difficulties, but had not proceeded a 
 hundred yards before(as we had anticipated from appearance.s on 
 the hill-top) our progress was entirely arrested by a branch of 
 the gorge in which our companions had perished. We now 
 passed along the edge of this for about a quarter of a mile, when 
 we were again stopped by a precipice of immense depth, and, not 
 being able to make our way along the brink of it, we were forced 
 to retrace our steps by the main ravine. 
 
 We now pushed over to the eastward, but, with precisely simi- 
 lar fortune. After an hour's scramble, at the risk of breaking 
 our necks, we discovered that we had merely descended into a 
 vast pit of black granite, with fine dust at the bottom, and whence 
 the only egress was by the rugged path in which we had come 
 down. Toiling again up this path, we now tried the northern 
 edge of the hill. Here we were obliged to use the greatest pos- 
 sible caution in our manoeuvres, as the Jeast indiscretion would 
 expose us to the full view of the savages in the village. We
 
 170 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 crawled along, therefore, on our hands and knees, and, occasion, 
 ally, were even forced to throw ourselves at full length, dragging 
 our bodies along by means of the shrubbery. In this careful 
 manner we had proceeded but a little way, when we arrived at a 
 chasm far deeper than any we had yet seen, and leading directly 
 into the main gorge. Thus our fears were fully confirmed, and 
 we found ourselves cut off entirely from access to the world be- 
 low. Thoroughly exhausted by our exertions, we made the best 
 of our way back to the platform, and, throwing ourselves upon 
 the bed of leave?, slept sweetly and soundly for some hours. 
 
 For several days after this fruitless search we were occupied 
 in exploring every part of the summit of the hill, in order to in- 
 form ourselves of its actual resources. We found that it would 
 afford us no food, with the exception of the unwholesome filberts, 
 and a rank species of scurvy grass which grew in a little patch 
 of not more than four rods square, and would be soon exhausted. 
 On the fifteenth of February, as near as I can remember, there 
 was not a blade of this left, and the nuts were growing scarce ; 
 our situation, therefore, could hardly be more lamentable.* On 
 the sixteenth we again went round the walls of our prison, in 
 hope of finding some avenue of escape ; but to no purpose. We 
 also descended the chasm in which we had been overwhelmed, 
 with the faint expectation of discovering, through this channel, 
 some opening to the main ravine. Here, too, we were disap- 
 pointed, although we found and brought up with us a musket. 
 
 On the seventeenth we set out with the determination of ex- 
 amining more thoroughly the chasm of black granite into which 
 we had made our way in the first search. We remembered that 
 one of the fissures in the sides of this pit had been but partially 
 looked into, and we were anxious to explore it, although with no 
 expectation of discovering here any opening. 
 
 We found no great difficulty in reaching the bottom of the 
 hollow as before, and were now sufficiently calm to survey it 
 with some attention. It was, indeed, one of the most singular 
 looking places imaginable, and we could scarcely bring ourselves 
 10 believe it altogether the work of nature. The pit, from its 
 
 * This day was rendered remarkable by our observing in the south severa' 
 huire wreaths of the grayish vapor I have before spoken of
 
 A. GORDON PVM 171 
 
 eastern to its western extremity, was about five hundred yards in 
 length, when all its windings were threaded ; the distance from 
 east to west in a straight line not being more (I should suppose, 
 having no means of accurate examination) than forty or fifty 
 yards. Upon first descending into the chasm, that is to say, for 
 a hundred feet downward from the summit of the hill, the sides 
 of the aby*s bore little resemblance to each other, and, apparently, 
 had at no time been connected, the one surface being of the soap- 
 stone, and the other of marl, granulated with some metallic mat 
 ter. The average breadth, or interval between the two cliffs, 
 was probably here sixty feet, but there seemed to be no regular- 
 ity of formation. Passing down, however, beyond the limit 
 spoken of, the interval rapidly contracted, and the sides began to 
 run parallel, although for some distance farther, they were still 
 dissimilar in their material and form of surface. Upon arriving 
 within fifty feet of the bottom, a perfect regularity commenced. 
 The sides were now entirely uniform in substance, in color, and 
 in lateral direction, the material being a very black and shining 
 granite, and the distance between the two sides, at all points, fa- 
 cing each other, exactly twenty yards. The precise formation 
 of the chasm will be best understood by means of a delineation 
 taken upon the spot ; for I had luckily with me a pocket-book and . 
 pencil, which I preserved with great care through a long series 
 of subsequent adventure, and to which I am indebted for memo- 
 randa of many subjects which would otherwise have been crowd- 
 ed from my remembrance. 
 
 Figure 1.
 
 172 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 This figure (see figure 1) gives the general outlines of the 
 chasm, without the minor cavities in the sides, of which there 
 were several, each cavity having a corresponding protuberance 
 opposite. The bottom of the gulf was covered to the depth of 
 three or four inches with a powder almost impalpable, beneath 
 which we found a continuation of the black granite. To the 
 right, at the lower extremity, will be noticed the appearance of a 
 small opening ; this is the fissure alluded to above, and to exam- 
 ine which more minutely than before was the object of our second 
 visit. We now pushed into it with vigor, cutting away a quantity 
 of brambles which impeded us, and removing a vast heap of sharp 
 flints somewhat resembling arrowheads in shape. We were en- 
 couraged to persevere, however, by perceiving some little light 
 proceeding from the farther end. We at length squeezed our 
 way for about thirty feet, and found that the aperture was a low 
 and regularly-formed arch, having a bottom of the same impalpa- 
 ble powder as that in the main chasm. A strong light now broke 
 upon us, and, turning a short bend, we found ourselves in an- 
 other lofty chamber, similar to the one we had left in every 
 respect but longitudinal form. Its general figure is here given. 
 fSee figure 2.) 
 
 Figure 2. 
 
 The total length of this chasm, commencing at the opening a 
 and proceeding round the curve b to the extremity d, is five hun- 
 dred and fifty yards. At c we discovered a small aperture simi- 
 Itii 'o the one through which we had issued from the other chasm,
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 
 
 173 
 
 and this was choked up in the same manner with brambles and a 
 quantity of the white arrowhead flints. We forced our way 
 through it, finding it about forty feet long, and emerged into a 
 third chasm. This, too, -was precisely like the first, except in iU 
 longitudinal shape, which was thus. (See figure 3.) 
 
 Figure 3. 
 
 Figure 5. 
 
 We found the entire length of the third chasm throe hundred 
 and twenty yards. At the point a was an opening about six feet 
 wide, and extending fifteen feet into the rock, where it termina- 
 ted in a bed of marl, there being no other chasm beyond, as we 
 had expected. We were about leaving this fissure, into which 
 very little light was admitted, when Peters called my attention to 
 a range of singular looking indentures in the surface of the marl 
 forming the termination of the cul-de-sac. With a very slight 
 exertion of the imagination, the left, or most northern of these in- 
 dentures might have been taken for the intentional, although 
 rude, representation of a human figure standing erect, with out- 
 stretched arm. The rest of them bore also some little resemb 
 lance to alphabetical characters, and Peters was willing, at all 
 events, to adopt the idle opinion that they were really such. I 
 convinced him of his error, finally, by directing his attention to 
 the floor of the fissure, where, among the powder, \ve picked up, 
 piece by piece, several large flakes of the marl, which had evi- 
 dently been broken off by some convulsion from the surface 
 where the indentures were found, and which had projecting 
 points exactly fitting the indentures ; thus proving them to have 
 been the work of nature. Figure 4, presents an accurate copy 
 of the
 
 174 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 Figure 4. 
 
 After satisfying ourselves that these singular caverns afforded 
 us no means of escape from our prison, we made our way back, 
 dejected and dispirited, to the summit of the hill. Nothing worth 
 mentioning occurred during the next twenty-four. hours, except 
 that, in examining the ground to the eastward of the third chasm, 
 we found two triangular holes of great depth, and also with 
 black granite sides. Into these holes we did not think it worth 
 while to attempt descending, as they had the appearance of mera 
 natural wells, without outlet. They were each about twenty 
 yards in circumference, and their shape, as well as relative posi- 
 tion in regard to the third chasm, is shown in figure 5, preceding 
 page. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 ON the twentieth of the month, finding it altogether impossi- 
 ble to subsist any longer upon the filberts, the use of which 
 occasioned us the most excruciating torment, we resolved to make 
 a desperate attempt at descending the southern declivity of the. 
 hill. The face of the precipice was here of the softest species of 
 soapstone, although nearly perpendicular throughout its whole 
 extent (a depth of a hundred and fifty feet at the least), and in 
 many places even overarching. After long search we discovered 
 a narrow ledge about twenty feet below the brink of the gulf; 
 upon this Peters contrived to leap, with what assistance I could 
 render him by means of our pocket-handkerchiefs tied together
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 175 
 
 With somewhat more difficulty I also got down ; and wo then 
 saw the possibility of descending the whole way by the process 
 in which we had clambered up from the chasm when we had 
 been buried by the fall of the hill that is, by cutting steps in 
 the face of the soapstone with our knives. The extreme haxard 
 of the attempt can scarcely be conceived ; but, us there was no 
 other resource, we determined to undertake it. 
 
 Upon the ledge where we stood there grew some filbert-bushes ; 
 and to one of these we made fast an end of our rope of handker- 
 chiefs. The other end being tied round Peters's waist, I lowered 
 him down over the edge of the precipice until the handkerchiefs 
 were stretched tight. He now proceeded to dig a deep hole in 
 the soapstone (as far in as eight or ten inches), sloping away 
 the rock above to the height of a foot, or thereabout, so as to 
 allow of his driving, with the butt of a pistol, a tolerably strong 
 peg into the levelled surface. I then drew him up for about 
 four feet, when he made a hole similar to the one below, driving 
 iu a peg as before, and having thus a resting-place for both feet 
 and hands. I now unfastened the handkerchiefs from the bush, 
 throwing him the end, which he tied to the peg in the uppermost 
 hole, letting himself down gently to a station about three feet 
 lower than he had yet been, that is, to the full extent of the 
 handkerchiefs. Here he dug another hole, and drove another 
 peg. He then drew himself "up, so as to rest his feet in the 
 hole just cut, taking hold with his hands upon the peg in the one 
 above. It was now necessary to untie the handkerchiefs from 
 the topmost peg, with the view of fastening them to the second ; 
 and here he found that an error had been committed in cutting 
 the holes at so great a distance apart. However, after one or 
 two unsuccessful and dangerous attempts at reaching the knot 
 (having to hold on with his left hand while he labored to undo 
 the fastening with his right), he at length cut the string, leaving 
 six inches of it affixed to the peg. Tying the handkerchiefs 
 now to the second peg, he descended to a station below the third, 
 taking care not to go too far down. By these means (means 
 which I should never have conceived of myself, and for which 
 we were indebted altogether to Peters's ingenuity and resolution)
 
 176 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 my companion finally succeeded, with the occasional aid of pro- 
 jections in the cliflf, in reaching the bottom Avithout accident. 
 
 It was some time before I could summon sufficient resolution 
 to follow him ; but I did at length attempt it. Peters had taken 
 off his shirt before descending, and this, with my own, formed 
 the rope necessary for the adventure. After throwing down the 
 musket found in the chasm, I fastened this rope to the bushes, 
 and let myself down rapidly, striving, by the vigor of my move- 
 ments, to banish the trepidation which I could overcome in no 
 other manner. This answered sufficiently well for the first four 
 or five steps ; but presently I found my imagination growing ter- 
 ribly excited by thoughts of the vast depth yet to be descended, 
 and the precarious nature of the pegs and soapstone holes which 
 were my only support. It was in vain I endeavored to banish 
 these reflections, and to keep my eyes steadily bent upon th^ 
 .flat surface of the cliff before me. The more earnestly I Strug 
 gled not to think, the more intensely vivid became my concep- 
 tions, and the more horribly distinct. At length arrived that 
 crisis of fancy, so fearful in all similar cases, the crisis in which 
 we begin to anticipate the feelings with which we shall fall to 
 picture to ourselves the sickness, and dizziness, and the last 
 struggle, and the half swoon, and the final bitterness of the rush- 
 ing and headlong descent. And now I found these fancies crea- 
 ting their own realities, and all imagined horrors crowding upon 
 me in fact. I felt my knees strike violently together, while my 
 fingers were gradually yet certainly relaxing their grasp. There 
 was a ringing in my ears, and I said, " This is my knell of 
 death !" And now 1 was consumed with the irrepressible desire 
 of looking below. I could not, I would not, confine my glances 
 to the cliff; and, with a wild, indefinable emotion, half of horror, 
 half of a relieved oppression, I threw my vision far down into 
 the abyss. For one moment my fingers clutched convulsively 
 upon their hold, while, with the movement, the faintest possible 
 idea of ultimate escape wandered, like a shadow, through my 
 mind in the next my whole soul was pervaded with a longing 
 to fall ; a desire, a yearning, a passion utterly uncontrollable. I. 
 let go at once my grasp upon the peg, and, turning half round 
 from the precipice, remained tottering for an instant against its
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 177 
 
 naked face. But now there came a spinning of the brain ; a 
 shrill-sounding and phantom voice screamed within my ears ; a 
 dusky, fiendish, and filmy figure stood immediately beneath me; 
 and. sighing, I sunk down with a bursting heart, and plunged 
 within its arms. 
 
 I had swooned, and Peters had caught me as I fell. He had 
 observed my proceedings from his station at the bottom of the 
 cliff"; and perceiving my imminent danger, had endeavored to 
 inspire me with courage by every suggestion he could devise; 
 although my confusion of mind had been so great as to preveni 
 my hearing what he said, or being conscious that he had even 
 spoken to me at all. At length, seeing me totter, he hastened to 
 ascend to my rescue, and arrived just in time for my preserva- 
 tion. Had I fallen with my full weight, the rope of linen would 
 inevitably have snapped, and I should have been precipitated 
 into the abyss ; as it was, he contrived to let me down gently, 
 so as to remain suspended without danger until animation re- 
 turned. This was in about fifteen minutes. On recovery, my 
 trepidation had entirely vanished ; I felt a new being, and, with 
 some little further aid from my companion, reached the bottom 
 also in safety. 
 
 We now found ourselves not far from the ravine which had 
 proved the tomb of our friends, and to the southward of the spot 
 where the hill had fallen. The place was one of singular wild- 
 ness, and its aspect brought to my mind the descriptions given by 
 travellers of those dreary regions marking the site of degraded 
 Babylon. Not to speak of the ruins of the disruptured cliff, 
 which formed a chaotic barrier in the vista to the northward, the 
 surface of the ground in every other direction was strewn with 
 huge tumuli, apparently the wreck of some gigantic structures 
 of art ; although, in detail, no semblance of art could be de- 
 tected. Scoria were abundant, and large shapeless blocks of the 
 black granite, intermingled with others of marl,* and both 
 granulated with metal. Of vegetation there were no traces 
 whatsoever throughout the whole of the desolate area within 
 sight. Several immense scorpions were seen, and various rep- 
 tiles not elsewhere to be found in the high latitudes. 
 
 * The marl was also black ; indeed, we noticed no light-colored suit- 
 ilances of any kind upon the island.
 
 178 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 As food was our most immediate object, we resolved to make 
 our way to the sea-coast, distant not more than half a mile, with 
 a view of catching turtle, several of which we had observed from 
 our place of concealment on the hill. We had proceeded some 
 hundred yards, threading our route cautiously between the huge 
 rocks and tumuli, when, upon turning a corner, five savages 
 eprung upon us from a small cavern, felling Peters to the ground 
 with a blow from a club. As he fell the whole party rushed up- 
 on him to secure their victim, leaving me time to recover from 
 my astonishment. I still had the musket, but the barrel had 
 received so much injury in being thrown from the precipice that 
 I cast it aside as useless, preferring to trust my pistols, which had 
 been carefully preserved in order. With these I advanced upon 
 the assailants, firing one after the other in quick succession. Two 
 savages fell, and one, who was in the act of thrusting a spear 
 into Peters, sprung to his feet without accomplishing his purpose. 
 My companion being thus released, we had no further difficulty. 
 He had his pistols also, but prudently declined using them, confi- 
 ding in his great personal strength, which far exceeded that of 
 any person I have ever known. Seizing a club from one of the 
 savages who had fallen, he dashed out the brains of the three who 
 remained, killing each instantaneously with a single blow of the 
 weapon, and leaving us completely masters of the field. 
 
 So rapidly had these events passed, that we could scarcely be 
 lieve in their reality, and were standing over the bodies of the 
 dead in a species of stupid contemplation, when we were brought 
 to recollection by the sound of shouts in the distance. It was clear 
 that the savages had been alarmed by the firing, and that we had 
 little chance of avoiding discovery. To regain the cliff, it would 
 be necessary to proceed in the direction of the shouts ; and even 
 should we succeed in arriving at its base, we should never be 
 able to ascend it without being seen. Our situation was one of 
 the greatest peril, and we were hesitating in which path to com- 
 mence a flight, when one of the savages whom I had shot, and 
 bupposed dead, sprang briskly to his feet, and attempted to make 
 his escape. We overtook him, however, before he had advanced 
 many paces, and were about to put him to death, when Peters 
 suggested that we might derive some benefit from forcing him to
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 179 
 
 accompany us in our attempt at escape. We therefore dragged 
 him with us, making him understand that we would shoot him if 
 he offered resistance. In a few minutes he was perfectly sub- 
 missive, and ran by our sides as we pushed in among the rocks, 
 making for the sea-shore. 
 
 So far, the irregularities of the ground we had been traversing 
 hid the sea, except at intervals, from our sight, and, when we 
 first had it fairly in view, it was, perhaps, two hundred yards 
 distant. As we emerged into the open beach we saw, to our 
 great dismay, an immense crowd of the natives pouring from 
 the village, and from all visible quarters of the island, making 
 towards us with gesticulations of extreme fury, and howling like 
 wild beasts. We were upon the point of turning upon our steps, 
 and trying to secure a retreat among the fastnesses of the rougher 
 ground, when I discovered the bows of two canoes projecting 
 from behind a large rock which ran out into the water. Towards 
 these we now ran with all speed, and, reaching them, found them 
 unguarded, and without any other freight than three of the large 
 Gallipago turtles and the usual supply of paddles for sixty rowers. 
 We instantly took possession of one of them, and, forcing our 
 captive on board, pushed out to sea with all the strength we could 
 command, 
 
 We had not made, however, more than fifty yards from the 
 shore before we became sufficiently calm to perceive the great 
 oversight of which we had been guilty in leaving the other canoe 
 in the power of the savages, who, by this time, were not more 
 than twice as far from the beach as ourselves, and were rapidly 
 advancing to the pursuit. No time was now to be lost. Our 
 hope was, at best, a forlorn one, but we had none other. It was 
 very doubtful whether, with the utmost exertion, we could get 
 back in time to anticipate them in taking possession of the canoe ; 
 but yet there was a chance that we could. We might save our- 
 selves if we succeeded, while not to make, the attempt was to re- 
 sign ourselves to inevitable butchery. 
 
 The canoe was modelled with the bow and stern alike, and, in 
 place of turning it around, \\ e merely changed our position in 
 paddling. As soon as the savages perceived this they redoubled 
 tber yells, as well as their spe^d, and approached with incon-
 
 180 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 ceivflble rapidity. We pulled, however, with all the energy of 
 desperation, and arrived, at the contested point before more than 
 one of the natives had attained it. This man paid dearly for hn 
 superior agility, Peters shooting him through the head with a 
 pistol as he approached the shore. The foremost among the rest 
 of his party wre probably some twenty or thirty paces distant 
 as we seized upon the canoe. We at first endeavored to pull her 
 into the deep water, beyond the reach of the savages, but, finding 
 her too firmly aground, and there being no time to spare, Peters, 
 with one or two heavy strokes from the butt of the musket, suc- 
 ceeded in dashing out a large portion of the bow and of one side. 
 We then pushed off. Two of the natives by this time had got 
 hold of our boat, obstinately refusing to let go, until we were 
 forced to despatch them with our knives. We were now clear 
 off, and making great way out to sea. The main body of the 
 savages, upon reaching the broken canoe, set up the most tre- 
 mendous yell of rage and disappointment conceivable. In truth, 
 from everything I could see of these wretches, they appeared to 
 be the most wicked, hypocritical, vindictive, bloodthirsty, and 
 altogether fiendish race of men upon the face of the globe. It is 
 clear we should have had no mercy had we fallen into their hands. 
 They made a mad attempt at following us in the fractured canoe, 
 but, finding it useless, again vented their rage in a series of 
 hi'leous vociferations, and rushed up into the hills. 
 
 We were thus relieved from immediate danger, but our situa- 
 'ion was still sufficiently gloomy. We knew that four canoes of 
 the kind we had were at one time in the possession of the sava- 
 ges, and were not aware of the fact (afterward ascertained from 
 our captive) that two of these had been blown to pieces in the 
 explosion of the Jane Guy. We calculated, therefore, upon 
 being yet pursued, as soon as our enemies could get round to the 
 bay (distant about three miles) where the boats were usually laid 
 up. Fearing this, we made every exertion to leave the island 
 behind us, and went rapidly through the water, forcing the prison- 
 er to take, a paddle. In about half an hour, when we had gained 
 probably, five or six miles to the southward, a large fleet of the 
 flut-bottomed canoes or rafts were seen to emerge from the bay, 
 evidently with the design of pursuit. Presently they put back, 
 g to overtake us.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 181 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 WE now found ourselves in the wide and desolate Antarctic 
 Ocean, in a latitude exceeding eighty-four degrees, in a frail ca- 
 noe, and with no provision but the three turtles. The long Polar 
 winter, too, could not be considered as far distant, and it became 
 necessary that we should deliberate well upon the course to be 
 pursued. There were six or seven islands in sight belonging to 
 the same group, and distant from each other about five or six 
 leagues ; but upon neither of these had we any intention to ven- 
 ture. In coming from the northward in the Jane Guy we had 
 been gradually leaving behind us the severest regions of ice this, 
 however little it may be in accordance with the generally received 
 notions respecting the Antarctic, was a fact experience would not 
 permit us to deny. To attempt, therefore, getting back, would 
 be folly especially at so late a period of the season. Only one 
 course seemed to be left open for hope. We resolved to steer 
 boldly to the southward, where there was at least a probability of 
 discovering other lands, and more than a probability of finding 
 a still milder climate. 
 
 So far we had found the Antarctic, like the Arctic Ocean, pe- 
 culiarly free from violent storms or immoderately rough water ; 
 but our canoe was, at best, of frail structure, although large, and 
 we set busily to work with a view of rendering her as safe as the 
 limited means in our possession would admit. The body of the 
 boat was of no better material than bark the bark of a tree un- 
 known. The ribs were of a tough osier, well adapted to the pur- 
 pose for which it was used. We had fifty feet room from stem 
 to stern, from four to six in breadth, and in depth throughout four 
 feet and a half the boats thus differing vastly in shape from 
 those of any other inhabitants of the Southern Ocean with whom 
 civilized nations are acquainted. We never did believe them the 
 workmanship of the ignorant islanders who owned them ; and 
 some days afer this period discovered, by questioning our captive, 
 that '.hey were in fact made by the natives of a group to tha
 
 182 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 southwest of the country where we found them, having fallen ac- 
 cidentally into the hands of our barbarians. What we could do 
 for the security of our boat was very little indeed. Several wide 
 rents were discovered near both ends, and these we contrived to 
 patch up with pieces of woollen jacket. With the help of the 
 superfluous paddles, of which there were a great many, we erected 
 & kind of framework about the bow, so as to break the force of 
 any seas which might threaten to fill us in that quarter. We 
 also set up two paddle-blades for masts, placing them opposite 
 each other, one by each gunwale, thus saving the necessity of a 
 yard. To these masts we attached a sail made of our shirts 
 doing this with some difficulty, as here we could get no assist- 
 ance from our prisoner whatever, although he had been willing 
 enough to labor in all the other operations. The sight of the 
 linen seemed to affect him in a very singular manner. He could 
 not be prevailed upon to touch it or go near it, shuddering when 
 we attempted to force him, and shrieking out Tekeli-li. 
 
 Having completed our arrangements in regard to the security 
 of the canoe, we now set sail to the south southeast for the pres- 
 ent, with the view of weathering the most southerly of the group 
 in sight. This being done, we turned the bow full to the south- 
 ward. The weather could by no means be considered disagreea 
 ble. We had a prevailing and very gentle wind from the north- 
 ward, a smooth sea, and continual daylight. No ice whatever 
 was to be seen ; nor did I ever see one particle of this after leaving 
 the parallel of Bennetfs Islet. Indeed, the temperature of the 
 water was here far too warm for its existence in any quantity. 
 Having killed the largest of our tortoises, and obtained from him 
 not only food, but a copious supply of water, we continued on our 
 course, without any incident of moment, for peihaps seven or 
 eight days, during which period we must have proceeded a vast 
 distance to the southward, as the wnd blew constantly with us, 
 and a very strong current set continually in the direction we were 
 pursuing. 
 
 March 1.* Many unusual phenomena now indicated that we 
 
 * For obvious reasons I cannot pretend to strict accuracy in these dates 
 They are given principally with a view to perspicuity of narration, and ai 
 ot down in my pencil memoranda.
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 183 
 
 h'ere entering upon a region of novelty and wonder. A high 
 range of light gray vapor appeared constantly in the southern 
 horizon, flaring up occasionally in lofty streaks, now darting from 
 east to west, now from west to east, and again presenting a level 
 arid uniform summit in short, having all the wild variations of 
 the Aurora Borealis. The average height of this vapor, as ap- 
 parent from our station, was about twenty-five degrees. The 
 temperature of the sea seemed to be increasing momentarily, and 
 there was a very perceptible alteration in its color. 
 
 March 2. To-day, by repeated questioning of our captive, we 
 came to the knowledge of many particulars in regard to the 
 island of the massacre, its inhabitants, and customs but with 
 these how can I now detain the reader? I may say, however, 
 that we learned there were eight islands in the group that they 
 were governed by a common king, named Tsalemon or Psalemoutt, 
 who resided in one of the smallest of the islands; that the black skins 
 forming the dress of the warriors came from an animal of huge 
 size to be found only in a valley near the court of the king 
 that the inhabitants of the group fabricated no other boats than 
 the flat-bottomed rafts ; the four canoes being all of the kind it: 
 their possession, and these having been obtained, by mere acci- 
 dent, from some large island in the southwest that his own 
 name was Nu-Nu that he had no knowledge of Bennett's Is- 
 let and that the appellation of the island we had left was TsalaL 
 The commencement of the words Tsalemon and Tscdal was given 
 with a prolonged hissing sound, which we found it impossible to 
 imitate, even after repeated endeavors, and which was precisely 
 the same with the note of the black bittern we had eaten up on 
 the summit of the hill. 
 
 March 3. The heat of the water was now truly remarkable, 
 and its color was undergoing a rapid change, being no longer 
 transparent, but of a milky consistency and hue. In our imme- 
 diate vicinity it was usually smooth, never so rough as to endan- 
 ger the canoe but we were frequently surpi-ised at perceivingj 
 to our right and left, at different distances, sudden and extensive 
 agitations . of the surface these, we at length noticed, were 
 always preceded by wild flickeriags in the region of vapor to the 
 Southward.
 
 184 NARRATIVE OF 
 
 March 4. To-day, with the view of widening our sail, the 
 breeze from the northward dying away perceptibly, I took from 
 my coat-pocket a white handkerchief. Nu-Nu was seated at my 
 elbow, and the linen accidentally flaring in his face, he became 
 violently affected with convulsions. These were succeeded by 
 drowsiness and stupor, and low murmurings of Tekeli-li ! Teke- 
 li-li ! 
 
 March 5. The wind had entirely ceased, but it was evident 
 that we were still hurrying on to the southward, under the influ- 
 ence of a powerful current. And now, indeed, it would seem 
 reasonable that we should experience some alarm at the turn 
 events were taking but we felt none. The countenance of Pe- 
 ters indicated nothing of this nature, although it wore at times an 
 expression I could not fathom. The Polar winter appeared to 
 be coming on but coming without its terrors. I felt a numbness 
 of body and mind a dreaminess of sensation but this was all. 
 
 March 6. The gray vapor had now arisen many more de- 
 grees above the horizon, and was gradually losing its grayness 
 of tint. The heat of the water was extreme, even unpleasant to 
 the touch, and its milky hue was more evident than ever. To- 
 day a violent agitation of the water occurred very close to the 
 canoe. It was attended, as usual, with a wild flaring up of the 
 vapor at its summit, and a momentary division at its base. A 
 tine white powder, resembling ashes but certainly not such 
 fell over the canoe and over a large surface of the water, as the 
 flickering died away among the vapor and the commotion subsi- 
 ded in the sea. Nu-Nu now threw himself on his face in the 
 bottom of the boat, and no persuasions could induce him to arise. 
 
 March 7. This day we questioned Nu-Nu concerning the 
 motives of his countrymen in destroying our companions ; but he 
 appeared to be too utterly overcome by terror to afford us any 
 rational reply. He still obstinately lay in the bottom of the 
 boat ; and, upon our reiterating the questions as to the motive 
 made use only of idiotic gesticulations, such as raising with his 
 forefinger the upper lip, and displaying the teeth which lay be- 
 neath it. These were black. We had never before seen the 
 teeth of an inhabitant of Tsalal. 
 
 March 8. To-day there flowed by us one of the white ani
 
 A. GORDON PYM. 185 
 
 mals whose appearance upon the beach at Tsalal had occasioned 
 so wild a commotion among the savages. I would have picked 
 it up, but there came over me a sudden listlessness, and I for- 
 bore. The heat of the water still increased, and the hand could 
 no longer be endured within it. Peters spoke little, and I knew 
 not what to think of his apathy. Nu-Nu breathed, and no more. 
 
 March 9. The whole ashy material fell now continually 
 around us, and in vast quantities. The range of vapor to the 
 southward had arisen prodigiously in the horizon, and began to 
 assume more distinctness of form. I can liken it to nothing but 
 a limitless cataract, rolling silently into the sea from some im- 
 mense and far-distant rampart in the heaven. The gigantic cur- 
 tain ranged along the whole extent of the southern horizon. It 
 emitted no sound. 
 
 March 21. A sullen darkness now hovered above us bui 
 from out the milky depths of the ocean a luminous glare arose, 
 and stole up along the bulwarks of the boat. We were nearly 
 overwhelmed by the white ashy shower which settled upon u& 
 and upon the canoe, but melted into the water as it fell. The 
 summit of the cataract was utterly lost in the dimness and the 
 distance. Yet we were evidently approaching it 'with a hideous 
 velocity. At intervals there were visible in it wide, yawning, 
 but momentary rents, and fron* out these rents, within which was 
 a chaos of flitting and indistinct images, there came rushing and 
 mighty, but soundless winds, tearing up the enkindled ocean in 
 their course. 
 
 March 22. The darkness had materially increased, relieved 
 only by the glare of the water thrown back from the white cur- 
 tain before us. Many gigantic and pallidly white birds flew con- 
 tinuously now from beyond the veil, and their scream was the 
 eternal Tekeli-li! as they retreated from our vision. Hereupon 
 Nu-Nu stirred in the bottom of the boat; but, upon touching 
 him, we found his spirit departed. And now we rushed into the 
 embraces of the cataract, where a chasm threw itself open to re- 
 ceive us. But there arose in our pathway a shrouded human 
 figure, very far larger in its proportions than any dweller among 
 men. And the hue of the skin of the figure was of the perfect 
 whiteness of the snow.
 
 NOTE 
 
 THE circumstances connected with the late sudden and distressing death 
 of Mr. Pym, are already well known to the public through the medium of 
 the daily press. It is feared that the few remaining chapters which were 
 to have completed his narrative, and which were retained by him, while 
 the above were in type, for the purpose of revision, have been irrecoverably 
 lost through the accident by which he perished himself. This, however, 
 may prove not to be the case, and the papers, if ultimately found, will be 
 given to the public. ^ 
 
 No means have been left untried to remedy the deficiency. The gentle- 
 man whose name is mentioned in the preface, and who, from the statement 
 there made, might be supposed able to fill the vacuum, has declined the 
 task this, for satisfactory reasons connected with the general inaccuracy 
 of the details afforded him, and his disbelief in the entire truth of the latter 
 portions of the narration. Peters, from whom some information might be 
 expected, is still alive, and a resident of Illinois, but cannot be met with at 
 present. He may hereafter be found, and will, no doubt, afford material 
 for a conclusion of Mr. Pym's account. 
 
 The loss of two or three final chapters (for there were but two or three,) 
 is the more deeply to be regretted, as, it cannot be doubted, they contained 
 matter relative to the Pole itself, or at least to regions in its very near prox- 
 imity ; and as, too, the statements of the author in relation to these regions 
 may shortly be verified or contradicted by means of the governmental expe- 
 dition now preparing for the Southern Ocean. 
 
 On one point in the Narrative some remarks may well be offered ; and it 
 would afford the writer of this appendix much pleasure if what he may 
 nere observe should have a tendency to throw credit, in any degree, unon
 
 JNOTE. 187 
 
 the \ery singular pages now published. We allude to the chasms found 
 in the island of Tsalal, and to the whole of the figures upon pages 171, 172, 
 173, 174. 
 
 Mr. Pym has given the figures of the chasms without comment, and 
 speaks decidedly of the indentures found at the extremity of the most east- 
 erly of these chasms as having but a fanciful resemblance to alphabetical 
 characters, and, in short, as being positively not such. This assertion a 
 made in a manner so simple, and sustained by a species of demonstration 
 so conclusive viz., (the fitting of the projections of the fragments found 
 among the dust into the indentures upon the wall,) that we are forced to 
 believe the writer in earnest ; and no reasonable reader should suppose 
 otherwise. But as the facts in relation to all the figures are most singular 
 (especially when taken in connection with statements made in the body 
 of the narrative,) it may be as well to say a word or two concerning them 
 all this, too, the more especially as the facts in question have, beyond 
 doubt, escaped the attention of Mr. Poe. 
 
 Figure 1, then, figure 2, figure 3, and figure 5, when conjoined with one 
 another in the precise order which the chasms themselves presented, and 
 when deprived of the small lateral branches or arches (which, it will 
 be remembered; served only as a means of communication between the 
 main chambers, and were of totally distinct character,) constitute an Ethi- 
 opian verbal root the root Jl \^^* " T be shady" whence all th* 
 inflections of shadow or darkness. 
 
 In regard to the " left or most northwardly" of the indentures in figure 4 
 it is more than probable that the opinion of Peters was correct, and tha/ 
 the hicroglyphical appearance was really the work of art, and intended a 
 the representation of a human form. The delineation is before the reader, 
 and he may, or may not, perceive the resemblance suggested ; but the rest 
 of the indentures afford strong confirmation of Peters's idea. The upper 
 range is evidently the Arabic verbal root t/ XSTLAQ " To be white," 
 whence all the inflections of brilliancy and whiteness. The lower range is 
 not so immediately perspicuous. The characters are somewhat broken 
 and disjointed ; nevertheless, it cannot be doubted that, in their perfect 
 state, they formed the full Egyptian word YL &^f YPHC" The re g> on 
 of the south." It should be observed that these interpretations confirm tha 
 opinion of Peters in regard to the " most northwardly" of the figures The 
 arm is outstretched towards the south. 
 
 Conclusions such as these open a wide field for speculation and exciting 
 conjecture. They should be regarded, perhaps, in connection with some 
 of the most faintly-detailed incidents of the narrative: although in no visi- 
 ble manner is this chain of connection complete. Tekeli-li ! was the cry 
 of the affrighted natives of Tsalal upon discovering the carcass of the white 
 animal picked up at sea. This also was the shuddering exclamation of tho
 
 188 NOTE. 
 
 captive Tsalalian upon encountering the white materials in possession of 
 Mr. Pym. This also was the shriek of the swift-flying, while, and gigai:tic 
 birds which issued from the vapory white curtain of the South. Nothing 
 white was to be found at Tsalal, and nothing otherwise in the subsequent 
 voyage to the region beyond. It is not impossible that " Tsalal," the ap- 
 pellation of the island of the chasms, may be found, upon minute philolo- 
 gical scrutiny, to betray either some alliance with the chasms themselves, 
 or some reference to the Ethiopian characters so mysteriously written in 
 their windings. 
 
 " / have graven it within the hills, and my vengeance upon the dust icit/tin 
 the rock."
 
 MISCELLANIES.
 
 THE SYSTEM 
 
 DOCTOR TARE AND PROFESSOR FETHER 
 
 DURING the autumn of 18 , while on a tour through the 
 extreme Southern provinces of France, my route led me within 
 a few miles of a certain Maison de Sante, or private Mad House, 
 about which I had "heard much, in Paris, from my medical 
 friends. As I had never visited a place of the kind, I thought 
 the opportunity too good to be lost ; and so proposed to my trav- 
 elling companion, (a gentleman with whom I had made casual 
 acquaintance a few days before,) that we should turn aside, for 
 an hour or so, and look through the establishment. To this he 
 objected pleading haste, in the first place, and, in the second, a 
 very usual horror at the sight of a lunatic. He begged me, how- 
 ever, not to let any mere courtesy towards himself interfere with 
 the gratification of my curiosity, and said that he would ride on 
 leisurely, so that I might overtake him during the day, or, at all 
 events, during the next. As he bade me good-by, I bethought 
 me that there might be some difficulty in obtaining access to the 
 premises, and mentioned my fears on this point. He replied 
 that, in fact, unless I had personal knowledge of the superintend- 
 ent, Monsieur Maillard, or some credential in the way of a letter, 
 a difficulty might be found to exist, as the regulations of these 
 private mad-houses were more rigid than the public hospital laws. 
 For himself, he added, he had, some years since, made the ac- 
 quaintance of Maillard, and would so far assist me as to ride up
 
 192 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TAHR AND PROF. FETHLR. 
 
 to the door and introduce me ; although his feelings on the sub- 
 ject of lunacy would not permit of his entering the house. 
 
 I thanked him, and, turning from the main-road, we entered a 
 grass-grown by-path, which, in half an hour, nearly lost itself iu 
 a dense forest, clothing the base of a mountain. Through this 
 dank and gloomy wood we rode some two miles, when the Maison 
 de Sante came in view. It was a fantastic diateau, much dilapi- 
 dated, and indeed scarcely tenantable through age and neglect. 
 Its aspect inspired me with absolute dread, and, checking my 
 horse, I half resolved to turn back. I soon, however, grew 
 ashamed of my weakness, and proceeded. 
 
 As we rode up to the gate-way, I perceived it slightly open, 
 and the visage of a man peering through- In an instant after- 
 ward, this man came forth, accosted my companion by name, 
 shook him cordially by the hand, and begged him to alighf. It 
 was Monsieur Maillard himself. He was a portly, fine-looking 
 gentleman of the old school, with a polished manner, and a cer- 
 tain air of gravity, dignity, and authority which was very impres- 
 sive. 
 
 My friend, having presented me, mentioned my desire to in- 
 spect the establishment, and received Monsieur Maillard's assur- 
 ance that he would show me all attention, now took leave, and I 
 saw him no more. 
 
 When he had gone, the superintendent ushered me- into a 
 small and exceedingly neat parlor, containing among other indi- 
 cations of refined taste, many books, drawings, pots of flowers, 
 and musical instruments. A cheerful fire blazed upon the hearth. 
 At a piano, singing an aria from Bellini, sat a young and very 
 beautiful woman, who, at my entrance, paused in her song, and 
 received me .with graceful courtesy. Her voice was low, and her 
 whole manner subdued. I thought, too, that I perceived the 
 traces of sorrow in her countenance, which was excessively, al- 
 thotigh to my taste, not unpleasingly pale. She was attired in 
 deep mourning, and excited in my bosom a feeling of mingled 
 respect, interest, and admiration. 
 
 I had heard, at Paris, that the institution of Monsieur Maillard 
 was managed upon what is vulgarly termed the "system of 
 soothing" that all punishments were avoided that even con
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHF.R. 193 
 
 finement was seldom resorted to that the patients, while sec-retly 
 watched, were left much apparent liberty, and that most of them 
 were permitted to roam about the house and grounds, in the or- 
 dinary apparel of persons in right- mind. 
 
 Keeping these impressions in view, I was cautious in what I 
 said before the young lady ; for I could not be sure that she was 
 sane ; and, in fact, there was a certain restless brilliancy about 
 her eyes which half led me to imagine she was not. 1 confined 
 my remarks, therefore, to general topics, and to such as I thought 
 would not be displeasing or exciting even to a lunatic. She re- 
 plied in a perfectly rational manner to all that I said ; and even 
 her original observations were marked with the soundest good 
 sense ; but a long acquaintance witty the metaphysics of mania, 
 had taught me to put no faith in such evidence of sanity, and I 
 contkiued to practice, throughout the interview, the caution with 
 which I commenced it. 
 
 Presently a smart footman in livery brought in a tray with 
 fruit, wine, and other refreshments, of which I partook, the lady 
 soon afterwards leaving the room. As she departed I turned my 
 eyes in an inquiring manner towards my host. 
 
 " No," he said, " oh, no a member of my family my niece, 
 and a most accomplished woman." 
 
 " I beg a thousand pardons for the suspicion," I replied, " but 
 of course you will know how to excuse me. The excellent ad- 
 ministration of your affairs here is well understood in Paris, and 
 I thought it just possible, you know " 
 
 " Yes, yes say no more or rather it is myself who should 
 thank you for the commendable prudence you have displayed. 
 \Ve seldom find so much of forethought in young men ; and, more 
 than once, some unhappy contre-temps has occurred in conse- 
 quence of thoughtlessness on the. part of our visitors. While my 
 former system was in operation, and my patients were permitted 
 the privilege of roaming to and fro at will, they were often 
 aroused to a dangerous frenzy by injudicious persons who called 
 to inspect the house. Hence I was obliged to enforce a rigid 
 <ystem of exclusion ; and none obtained access to the premises 
 apon whose discretion I could not rely." 
 
 " While your former system M-JVS in operation!" I said, repeat-
 
 194 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 
 
 ing . his words " do I understand you, then, to say that th 
 ' soothing system' of which I have heard so much, is no longer in 
 force ?" 
 
 " It is now," he replied, " several weeks since we have con 
 eluded to renounce it forever." 
 
 " Indeed ! you astonish me !" 
 
 " We found it, sir," he said, with a sigh, " absolutely necessa- 
 ry to return to the old usages. The danger of the soothing sys- 
 tem was, at all times, appalling ; and its advantages have been 
 much over-rated. I believe, sir, that in this house it has been 
 given a fair trial, if ever in any. We did every thing that ra- 
 tional humanity could suggest. I am sorry that you could not 
 have paid us a visit at an earlier period, that you might have 
 judged for yourself. But I presume you are conversant with 
 the soothing practice with its details." 
 
 " Not altogether. What I have heard has been at third or 
 fourth hand." 
 
 " I may state the system then, in general terms, as one in 
 v hich the patients were menagcs, humored. We contradicted no 
 fancies which entered the brains of the mad. On the contrary. 
 we not only indulged but encouraged them ; and many of our 
 most permanent cures have been thus effected. There is no ar 
 gument which so touches the feeble reason of the madman as the 
 reductio ad absurdum. We have had men, for example, who 
 fancied themselves chickens. The cure was, to insist upon the 
 thing as a fact to accuse the patient of stupidity in not suffi- 
 ciently perceiving it to be a fact and thus to refuse him any 
 other diet for a week than that which properly appertains to a 
 chicken. In this manner a little corn and gravel were made to 
 perform wonders." 
 
 " But was this species of acquiescence all ?" 
 
 " By no means. We put much faith in amusements of a sim- 
 ple kind, such as music, dancing, gymnastic exercises generally, 
 cards, certain classes of books, and so forth. We affected to treat 
 each individual as if for some ordinary physical disorder ; and 
 the word ' lunacy' was never employed. A great point was to 
 set each lunatic to guard the actions of all the others. To repose 
 confidence in the understanding or discretion of a madman, is to
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROP. FETHER. 195 
 
 gain him body and soul. In this way we were enabled to dia 
 pense with an expensive body of keepers." 
 
 " And you had no punishments of any kind ?" 
 
 " None." 
 
 " And you never confined your patients ?" 
 
 " Very rarely. Now and then, the malady of some individual 
 growing to a crisis, or taking a sudden turn of fury, we conveyed 
 him to a secret cell, lest his disorder should infect the rest, and 
 there kept him until we could dismiss him to his friends for 
 with the raging maniac we have nothing to do. He is usually re- 
 moved to the public hospitals." 
 
 " And you have now changed all this and you think for the 
 better ?" 
 
 " Decidedly. The system had its disadvantages, and even its 
 dangers. It is now, happily, exploded throughout all the Mai~ 
 sons de Sante of France." 
 
 " I am very much surprised," I said, " at what you tell me ; for 
 1 made sure that, at this moment, no other method of treatment 
 for mania existed in any portion of the country." 
 
 " You are young yet, my friend," replied my host, " but the 
 time will arrive when you will learn to judge for yourself of what 
 is going on in the world, without trusting to the gossip of others. 
 Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see. Now, 
 about our Mjisons de Sante, it is clear that some ignoramus has 
 misled you. After dinner, however, when you have sufficiently 
 recovered from the fatigue of your ride, I will be happy to take 
 you over the house, and introduce to you a system which, in my 
 opinion, and in that of every one who has witnessed its opera 
 tion, is incomparably the most effectual as yet devised.'' 
 
 u Your own?" I inquired "one of your own invention ?" 
 
 " ] am proud," he replied, " to acknowledge that it is at 
 least in some measure." 
 
 In this manner I conversed with Monsieur Maillard for an 
 hour or two, during which he showed me the gardens and con 
 servatories of the place. 
 
 " I cannot let you see my patients," he said, ''just at present. 
 To a sensitive mind there is always more or less of the shocking 
 in such exhib-tions ; and I do not wish to spoil your appetite for
 
 196 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHKR. 
 
 dinner. "We will dine. I can give you some veal a la Jfens- 
 hoult, with cauliflowers in veloute sauce after that a glass of 
 Clos de Vongcot then your nerves will be sufficiently steadied." 
 
 At six, dinner was announced ; and my host conducted me 
 into a large salle a manger, where a very numerous company 
 were assembled twenty-five or thirty in all. They were, ap- 
 parently, people of rank certainly of high breeding although 
 their habiliments, I thought, were extravagantly rich, partaking 
 somewhat too much of the ostentatious finery of the vielle cour. 
 I noticed that at least two-thirds of these guests were ladies; and 
 Borne of the latter were by no means accoutred in what a Parisian 
 would consider good taste at the present day. Many females, 
 for example, whose age could not have been less than seventy, 
 were bedecked with a profusion of jewelry, such as rings, brace- 
 lets, and ear-rings, and wore their bosoms and arms shamefully 
 bare. I observed, too, that very few of the dresses were well 
 made or, at least, that very few of them fitted the wearers. In 
 looking about, I discovered the interesting girl to whom Monsieur 
 Maillard had presented me in the little parlor; but my surprise 
 was great to see her wearing a hoop and farthingale, with high- 
 heeled shoes, and a dirty cap of Brussels lace, so much too large 
 for her that it gave her face a ridiculously diminutive expression. 
 When I had first seen her, she was attired, most becomingly, in 
 deep mourning. There was an air of oddity, in short, about the 
 dress of the whole party, which, at first, caused me to recur to 
 my original idea of the " soothing system," and to fancy that 
 Monsieur Maillard had been willing to deceive me until after 
 dinner, that I might experience no uncomfortable feelings during 
 the repast, at finding myself dining with lunatics ; but I remem- 
 bered having been informed, in Paris, that the southern provin- 
 cialists wre a peculiarly eccentric people, with a vast number of 
 antiquated notions ; and then, too, upon conversing with several 
 members of the company, my apprehensions were immediately 
 and fully dispelled. 
 
 The dining-room, itself, although perhaps sufficiently comfort- 
 able, and of good dimensions, had nothing too much of elegance 
 about it. For example, the floor was uncarpeted ; in France 
 however a carpet is frequently expensed with. The windows,
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 197 
 
 too, were without curtains ; the shutters, being shut, were secure* 
 ly fastened with iron bars, applied diagonally, after the fashion 
 of our ordinary shop-shutters. The apartment, I observed, 
 formed, in itself, a wing of the chateau, and thus the windows 
 were on three sides of the parallelogram ; the door being at the 
 other. There were no less than ten windows m all. 
 
 The table was su perbly set out. It was loaded wit h plate, and more 
 than loaded with delicacies. The profusion was ab>olutely barbaric. 
 There were meats enough to have feasted the Anakim. Never, 
 in all my life, had I witnessed so lavish, so wasteful an expendi- 
 ture of the good tilings of life. There seemed very little taste, 
 however, in the arrangements ; and my eyes, accustomed to quiet 
 lights, were sadly offended by the prodigious glare of a multitude 
 of wax candles, which, in silver candelabra, were deposited upon 
 the table, and all about the room, wherever it was possible to find 
 a place. There were several active servants in attendance ; and, 
 upon a large table, at the farther end of the apartment, were 
 seated seven or eight people with fiddles, fifes, trombones, and a 
 drum. These fellows annoyed me very much, at intervals, 
 during the repast, by an infinite variety of noises, which were 
 intended for music, and which appeared to afford much enter- 
 tainment to all present, with the exception of myself. 
 
 Upon the whole, I could not help thinking that there was much 
 of the bizarre about every thing I saw but then the world is 
 made up of all kinds of persons, with all modes of thought, and 
 all sorts of conventional customs. I had travelled, too, so much 
 as to.be quite an adept in the nil admirari ; so I took my seat 
 very coolly at the right hand of my host, and, having an excel- 
 ent appetite, did justice to the good cheer set before me. 
 
 The conversation, in the mean time, was spirited and general. 
 The ladies, as usual, talked a great deal. I soon found that 
 nearly all the company were well educated ; and my host was a 
 world of good-humored anecdote in himself. He seemed quite 
 M'illing to speak of his position as superintendent of a Maison de 
 Sante ; and, indeed, the topic of lunacy was, much to my sur- 
 prise, a favorite one with all present. A great many amusing 
 stories were told, having reference to the whims of the patients. 
 
 " We had a fellow here once." said a fat little gentleman, who
 
 198 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF.. FETHER. 
 
 sat at my right '' a fellow that fancied himself a tea-pot ; and, 
 by the way, is it not especially singular how often this particular 
 crotchet has entered the brain of the lunatic ? There is scarcely 
 an irsane asylum in France which cannot supply a human tea- 
 pot. Our gentleman was a Britannia-ware tea-pot, and was 
 careful to polish himself every morning with buckskin and whi 
 ting." 
 
 '' And then," said a lall man, just opposite, " we had here, not 
 long ago, a person who had taken it into his head that he was a 
 donkey which, allegorically speaking, you will say, was quite 
 true. He was a troublesome patient; and we had much ado to 
 keep him within bounds. For a long time he would eat nothing 
 but thistles ; but of this idea we soon cured him by insisting upon 
 his eating nothing else. Then he was perpetually kicking out 
 hin heels so so " 
 
 " Mr. De Kock ! I will thank you to behave yourself!" here 
 interrupted an old lady, who sat next to the speaker. " Please 
 keep your feet to yourself! You have spoiled my brocade ! Is 
 it necessary, pray, to illustrate a remark in so practical a style ? 
 Our friend, here, can surely comprehend you without all this. 
 Upon my word, you are nearly as great a donkey as the poor 
 unfortunate imagined himself. Your acting is very natural, as I 
 live." 
 
 " Mille pardons ! Mam'sette ! " replied Monsieur De Kock, 
 thus addressed " a thousand pardons ! I had no intention of 
 offending. Ma'mselle Laplace Monsieur De Kock will do 
 himself the honor cf taking wine with you." 
 
 Here Monsieur De Kock bowed low, kissed his hand with much 
 ceremony, and took wine with Ma'mselle Laplace. 
 
 " Allow me, mon ami" now said Monsieur Maillard, address- 
 ing myself, " allow me to send you a morsel of this veal a la St. 
 Menehoult you will find it particularly fine." 
 
 At this instant three sturdy waiters had just succeeded in de- 
 positing safely upon the table an enormous dish, or trencher, 
 containing what I supposed to be the " monstru/n, horrendum, 
 informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum." A closer scrutiny assured 
 me, however, that it was only a small calf i-oasted whole, and set
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND JROF. FETHER. 199 
 
 ipon its knees, with an apple in its mouth, as is the English 
 fashion of dressing a hare. 
 
 " Thank you, no," I replied ; " to say the truth, I am not par- 
 ticularly partial to veal a la St. what is it ? for I do not find 
 that it altogether agrees with me. I will change my plate, how- 
 ever, and try some of t-he rabbit." 
 
 There were several side-dishes on the table, containing what 
 appeared to be the ordinary French rabbit a \ory delicious 
 morceau, which I can recommend. 
 
 " Pierre," cried the host, " change this gentleman's plate, and 
 give him a side-piece of this rabbit au-chdt." 
 
 4i This what ?" said I. 
 
 " This rabbit au-chdt" 
 
 " Why, thank you upon second thoughts, no. I will ju 
 help myself to some of the ham." 
 
 There is no knowing what one eats, thought I to myself, at the 
 tables of these people of the province. I will have none of their 
 rabbit au-chdt and, for the matter of that, none of their cat-aii' 
 rabbit either. 
 
 " And then," said a cadaverous-looking personage, near the 
 foot of the table, taking up the thread of the conversation where 
 it had been broken off " and then, among other oddities, we had 
 a patient, once upon a time, who very pertinaciously maintained 
 himself to be a Cordova cheese, and went about, with a knife in 
 his hand, soliciting his friends to try a small slice from the middle 
 of his leg." 
 
 He was a great fool, beyond doubt,'' interposed some one, 
 " but not to be compared with a certain individual whom we all 
 know, with the exception of this strange gentleman. I mean the 
 man who took himself for a bottle of champagne, and always 
 went off with a pop and a fizz, in this fashion." 
 
 Here the speaker, very rudely, as I thought, put his right 
 thumb in his left cheek, withdrew it with a sound resembling the 
 popping of a cork, and then, by a dexterous movement of the 
 tongue upon the teeth, created a sharp hissing and fizzing, which 
 lasted for several minutes, in imitation of the frothing of cham- 
 pagne. This behavior, I saw plainly, was not very pleasing to 
 Monsieur Maillard ; but that gentleman said nothing, and the 
 C'.nversation wa? resumed by a very lean little man in a big wig
 
 200 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER 
 
 " And then there was an ignoramus," said he, " who mistook 
 himself for a frog; which, by the way, he :esembled in i.<o little 
 degree. I wish you could have seen him, sir," here the speaker 
 addressed myself ' it would have done your heart good to 
 see the natural airs that he put on. Sir, if that man was not a 
 frog, I can only observe that it is a pity he was not. His croak 
 thus o-o-o-o-gh o-o-o-o-gh ! was the finest note in the world 
 B flat ; and when he put his elbows upon the table thus after 
 taking a glass or two of wine and distended his mouth, thus, and 
 rolled up his eyes, thus, and winked them with excejsive rapidity, 
 thus, why then, sir, I take it upon myself to say, positively, that 
 you would have been lost in admiration of the genius of the man." 
 
 " I have no doubt of it," I said. 
 
 ' And then," said somebody else, " then there was Petit Gail- 
 lard, who thought himself a pinch of snuff, and was truly distressed 
 because he could not take himself between his own finger and 
 thumb." 
 
 " And then there was Jules Desoulieres, who was a very sin- 
 gular genius, indeed, and went mad with the idea that he was a 
 pumpkin. He persecuted the cook to make him up into pies 
 a thing which the cook indignantly refused to do. For my part, 
 I am by no means sure that a pumpkin pie a li Desouleries, 
 would not have been very capital eating, indeed !" 
 
 " You astonish me !" said I ; and I looked inquisitively at 
 Monsieur Maillard. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha !" said that gentleman "he ! he ! he ! hi ! hi I 
 hi! ho! ho! ho! hu ! hu ! hu ! very good indeed! You 
 must not be astonished, mon ami ; our friend here is a wit a 
 drole you must not understand him to the letter." 
 
 " And then," said some other one of the party, " then there 
 was Bouffon Le Grand another extraordinary personage in his 
 way. He grew deranged through love, and fancied himself pos- 
 sessed of two heads. One of these he maintained to be the head 
 of Cicero ; the other he imagined a composite one, being Demos- 
 thenes' from the top of the forehead to the mouth, and Lord 
 Brougham from the mouth to the chin. It is not impossible that 
 be was wrong ; but he would have convinced you of his being in
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 201 
 
 the right ; for he was a man of great eloquence. He had an 
 absolute passion for oratory, and could not refrain from display. 
 For example, he used to leap upon the dinner-table thus, ami- 
 and" 
 
 Here a friend, at the side of the speaker, put a hand upon his 
 shoulder, and whispered a few words in his ear; upon which he 
 ceased talking with great suddenness, and sank back within his 
 chair. 
 
 " And then," said the friend, who had whispered, " there was 
 Boullard, the tee-totum. I call him the tee-totum, because, in 
 fact, he was seized with the droll, but not altogether irrational 
 crotchet, that he had been converted into a tee-totum. You 
 would have roared with laughter to see him spin. He would 
 turn round upon one heel by the hour, in this manner so " 
 
 Hore the friend whom he had just interrupted by a whisper, per- 
 formed an exactly similar office for himself. 
 
 " But then," cried an old lady, at the top of her voice, "your 
 Monsieur Boullard was a madman, and a very silly madman at 
 best ; for who, allow me to ask you, ever heard of a human tee- 
 totum ? The. thing is absurd. Madame Joyeuse was a more 
 sensible person, as you know. She had a crotchet, but it was in- 
 stinct with common sense, and gave pleasure to all who had the 
 honor of her acquaintance. She found, upon mature delibera- 
 tion, that, by some accident, she had been turned into a chicken- 
 cock ; but, as such, she behaved with propriety. She flapped 
 her wings with prodigious effect so so so and, as for her 
 crow, it was delicious ! Cock-a-doodle-doo ! cock-a-doodle-doo 
 c,ock-a-doodle-de-doo-doo-dooo-do-o-o-o-o-o-o- !" 
 
 " Madame Joyeuse, I will thank you to behave yourself!" here 
 interrupted our host, very angrily. " You can either conduct 
 yourself as a lady should do, or you can quit the table forthwith 
 take your choice." 
 
 The lady, (whom I was much astonished to hear addressed as 
 Madame Joyeuse, after the description of Madame Joyeuse she 
 had just given,) blushed up to the eye-brows, and seemed ex- 
 ceedingly abashed at the reproof. She hung down her head, and 
 said not a syllable in reply. But another and younger lady re- 
 turned the theme. It was my beautiful <rirl of the little parlor'
 
 202 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER, 
 
 " Oli, Madame Joyeuse was a fool !" she exclaimed; " but there 
 was really much sound sense, after all, in the opinion of Eugenie 
 Salsafettc. She was a very beautiful and painfully modest young 
 lady, who thought the ordinary mode of habiliment indecent, and 
 wished to dress herself, always, by getting outside, instead of in- 
 side of her clothes. It is a thing very easily done, after all. You 
 have only to do so and then so so so and then so so 
 so and then " 
 
 " Mon dieu ! Mam'selle Salsafette !" here cried a dozen voices 
 it once. " What are you about ? forbear ! that is sufficient ! 
 tve see, very plainly, how it is done ! hold! hold!" and several 
 persons were already leaping from their seats to withold Mam'- 
 selle Salsafettefrom putting herself upon a par with the Medicean 
 Venus, when the point was very effectually and suddenly accom- 
 plished by a series of loud screams, or yells, from some portion 
 rf the main body of the chateau. 
 
 My nerves were very much affected, indeed, by these yells ; 
 but the rest of the company I really pitied. I never saw any 
 set of reasonable people so thoroughly frightened in ray life. 
 They all grew as pale as so many corpses, and, shrinking within 
 their seats, sat quivering and gibbering with terror, and listening 
 for a repetition of the sound. It came again louder and seem- 
 ingly nearer and then a third time very loud, and then a fourth 
 time with a vigor evidently diminished. At this apparent dying 
 away of the noise, the spirits of the company were immediately 
 regained, and all was life and anecdote as before. I now ven- 
 tured to inquire the cause of the disturbance. 
 
 " A mere bagatelle" said Monsieur Maillard. " We are used 
 to these things, and care really very little about them. The lu- 
 natics, every now and then, get up a howl in concert ; one srart- 
 ing another, as is sometimes the case with a bevy of dogs at night 
 It occasionally happens, however, that the concerto yells are suc- 
 ceeded by n, simultaneous effort at breaking loose ; when, of course, 
 some little danger is to be apprehended." 
 
 " And haw many have you in charge ?" 
 
 *' At present, we have not more than ten, altogether." 
 
 " Prncipally females, I presume ?"
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 203 
 
 *' Oh, no every one of them men, and stout fellows, too, I caD 
 Jell you." 
 
 " Indeed ! I have always understood that the majority of 
 lunatics were of the gentler sex." 
 
 " It is generally so, but not always. Some time ago, there 
 were about twenty-seven patients here ; and, of that number, no 
 less than eighteen were women ; but, lately, matters haye changed 
 very much, as you see." 
 
 " Yes have changed very much, as you see," here interrupted 
 the gentleman who had broken the shins of Ma'mselle Laplace. 
 
 " Yes have changed very much as you see !" chimed in the 
 whole company at once. 
 
 " Hold your tongues, every one of you !" said my host, in a 
 great rage. Whereupon the whole company maintained a dead 
 silence for nearly a minute. As for one lady, she obeyed Mon 
 sieur Maillard to the letter, and thrusting out her tongue, which 
 was an excessively long one, held it very resignedly, with both 
 hands, until the end of the entertainment. 
 
 " And this gentlewoman," said I, to Monsieur Maillard, bending 
 over and addressing him in a whisper " this good lady who ha.s 
 just spoken, and who gives us the cock-a-doodle-de-doo she, I 
 presume, is harmless quite harmless, eh?" 
 
 " Harmless !" ejaculated he, in unfeigned surprise, " why 
 why what can you mean ?" 
 
 " Only slightly 'touched ?" said I, touching my head. " I take 
 it for granted that she is not particularly not dangerously af- 
 fected, eh ?" 
 
 " Mon Dieu! what is it you imagine ? This lady, my parti- 
 cular old friend, Madame Joyeuse, is as absolutely sane as my- 
 self. She has her little eccentricities, to be sure but then, you 
 know, all old women all very old women are more or less 
 eccentric !" 
 
 "To be sure," said I "to be sure and then the rest of these 
 ladies and gentlemen " 
 
 " Are my friends and keepers," interrupted Monsieur Mail- 
 lard. drawing himself up with hauteur " my very good friend? 
 rtnd assistants.' 
 
 " What ! all o them ?" I asked " the women and all ?"
 
 2'J4 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 
 
 '' Assmedly," he said "we could not do at all without the 
 women ; they are the best lunatic nurses in the world ; they have 
 a way of their own, you know ; their bright eyes have a marvel- 
 lous effect; something like the fascination of the snake, you 
 know." 
 
 " To be sure, ' said I " to be sure ! They behave a little 
 odd, eh ?-^they are a little queer, eh ? don't you think so ?" 
 
 " Odd ! queer ! why, do you really think so ? We are not 
 very prudish, to be sure, here in the South do pretty much as 
 we please enjoy life, and all that sort of thing, you know " 
 
 " To be sure," said I " to be sure." 
 
 " And then, perhaps, this Olos de Vougeot is a little heady, you 
 know a little strong you understand, eh ?" 
 
 " To be sure," said I " to be sure. By-the-by, monsieur, 
 did I understand you to say that the system you have adopted, in 
 place of the celebrated soothing system, was one of very rigorous 
 severity ?" 
 
 " By no means. Our confinement is necessarily close ; but 
 the treatment the medical treatment, I mean is rather agreea- 
 ble to the patients than otherwise." 
 
 " And the new system is one of your own invention ?" 
 
 " Not altogether. Some portions of it are referable to Profes- 
 sor Tarr, of whom you have, necessarily, heard ;. and, again, 
 there are modifications in my plan which I am happy to acknow- 
 ledge as belonging of right to the celebrated Pether, with whom, 
 if I mistake not, you have the honor of an intimate acquaintance." 
 
 " I am quite ashamed to confess," I replied, " that I have 
 never even heard the name of either gentleman before." 
 
 " Good Heavens !" ejaculated my host, drawing back his chair 
 abruptly, and uplifting his hands. " I surely do not hear you 
 aright ! You did not intend to say, eh ? that you had never 
 heard either of the learned Doctor Tarr, or of the celebrated 
 Professor Fether ?" 
 
 " I am forced to acknowledge my ignorance," I replied ; " but 
 the truth should be held inviolate above all things. Neverthe- 
 less, I feel humbled to the dust, not to be acquainted with the works 
 of these, no doubt, extraordinary men. I will seek out their writ- 
 ings forthwith, and peruse them with deliberate care. Monsieur
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. 1 VRR AND PROF. FETHER. 205 
 
 Maillard, you have really I must confess it you have really 
 made me ashamed of myself !" 
 
 And this was the fact. 
 
 " Say no more, my good young friend," he said kindly, press* 
 ing my hand "join me now in a glass of Sauterne." 
 
 We drank. The company followed our example, without 
 stint. They chatted they jested they laughed they perpe- 
 trated a thousand absurdities the fiddles shrieked the drum 
 ro\v-de-do\ved the trombones bellowed like so many brazen 
 bulls of Phalaris and the whole scene, growing gradually worse 
 and worse, as the wines gained the ascendancy, became at length 
 a sort of Pandemonium in petto. In the meantime, Monsieur 
 Maillard and myself, with some bottles of Sauterne and Vougeot 
 between us, continued our conversation at the top of the voice. 
 A word spoken in an ordinary ke} stood no more chance of be- 
 ing heard than the voice of a fish from the bottom of Niagara 
 Falls. 
 
 " And, sir," said I, screaming in his ear, " you mentioned 
 something before dinner, about the danger incurred in the old 
 system of soothing. How is that?" 
 
 " Yes," he replied, " there was, occasionally, very great dan 
 ger, indeed. There is no accounting for the caprices of mad- 
 men ; and, in my opinion, as well as in that of Doctor Tarr and 
 Professor Fether, it is never safe to permit them to run at large 
 unattended. A lunatic may be ' soothed,' as it is called, for a 
 time, but, in the end, he is very apt to become obstreperous 
 His cunning, too, is proverbial, and great. If he has a project in 
 view, he conceals his design with a marvellous wisdom ; and the 
 dexterity with which he counterfeits sanity, presents, to the meta- 
 physician, one of the most singular problems in the study of 
 mind. When a madman appears thoroughly sane, indeed, it is 
 high time to put him in a straight jacket." 
 
 " But the danger, my dear sir, of which you were speaking 
 in your own experience during your control of this house 
 have you had practical reason to think liberty hazardous, in tha 
 ease of a lunatic ?" 
 
 " Here ? in my own experience ? why, I may say, yes. For
 
 20G THE SI STEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER 
 
 example : no very long while ago, a singular circumstance oc 
 curred in this very house. The ' soothing system,' you know, 
 was then in operation, and the patients were at large. They 
 behaved remarkably well especially so any one of sense might 
 have known that some devilish scheme was brewing from that 
 particular fact, that the fellows behaved so remarkably well. And, 
 sure enough, one fine morning the keepers found themselves 
 pinioned hand and foot, and thrown into the cells, where they 
 were attended, as if they were the lunatics, by the lunatics them 
 selves, who had usurped'the offices of the keepers." 
 
 " You don't tell me so ! I never heard of anything so absurd 
 in my life !" 
 
 " Fact it all came to pass by means of a stupid fellow a 
 lunatic who, by some means, had taken it into his head that he 
 had invented a better system of government than any ever heard 
 of before of lunatic government, I mean. He wished to give 
 his invention a trial, I suppose and so he persuaded the rest of 
 the patients to join him in a conspiracy for the overthrow of the 
 reigning powers." 
 
 " And he really succeeded ?" 
 
 u No doubt of it. The keepers and kept were soon made to 
 exchange places. Not that exactly either for the madmen had 
 been free, but the keepers were shut up in cells forthwith, and 
 'treated, I am sorry to say, in a very cavalier manner." 
 
 " But I presume a counter revolution was soon effected. This 
 condition of things could not have long existed. The country 
 people in the neighborhood visitors coming to see the establish- 
 ment would have given the alarm." 
 
 " There you are out. The head rebel was too cunning for 
 that. He admitted no visitors at all with the exception, one 
 day, of a very stupid-looking young gentleman of whom he had 
 no reason to be afraid. He let him in to see the place just by 
 way of variety to have a little fun with him. As soon as he 
 had gammoned him sufficiently, he let him out, and sen' him 
 about his business." 
 
 " And how long, then, did the madmen reign ?" 
 
 " Oh, a very long time, indeed a month certainly how much 
 longer I can't precisely say. In the mean time, the lunatics had
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 207 
 
 a jolly season of it that you may swear. They doffed their own 
 shabby clothes, and made free with the family wardrobe and 
 jewel*. The cellars of the chateau were well stocked with wine ; 
 and these madmen are just the devils that know how to drink it. 
 They lived well, I can tell you." 
 
 " And the treatment what was the particular species of treat- 
 ment which the leader of the rebels put into operation ?" 
 
 " Why, as for that, a madman is not necessarily a fool, as I 
 have already observed ; and it is my honest opinion that his 
 treatment was a much better treatment than that which it super- 
 seded. It was a very capital system indeed simple neat no 
 trouble at all in fact it was delicious it was " 
 
 Here my host's observations were cut short by another series 
 of yells, of the same character as those which had previously dis- 
 concerted us. This time, however, they seemed to proceed from 
 persons rapidly approaching. 
 
 " Gracious Heavens !" I ejaculated u the lunatics have most 
 undoubtedly broken loose." 
 
 " I very much fear it is so," replied Monsieur Maillard, now 
 becoming excessively pale. He had scarcely finished the sen- 
 tence, before loud shouts and imprecations were heard beneath 
 the windows ; and, immediately afterward, it became evident that 
 some persons outside were endeavoring to gain entrance into the 
 room. The door was beaten with what appeared to be a sledge- 
 hammer, and the shutters were wrenched and shaken with pro- 
 digious violence. 
 
 A scene of the most terrible confusion ensued. Monsieur 
 Maillard, to my excessive astonishment, threw himself under the 
 sideboard. I had expected more resolution at his hands. The 
 members of the orchestra, who, for the last fifteen minutes, had 
 been seemingly too much intoxicated to do duty, now sprang all at 
 once to their feet and to their instruments, and, scrambling upon 
 their table, broke out, with one accord, into " Yankee Doodle," 
 which they performed, if not exactly in tune, at least with an en- 
 ergy superhuman, during the whole of.the uproar. 
 
 Meantime, upon the main dining-tablc, among the bottles 
 and glasses, leaped the gentleman, who, with such difficulty, had 
 been restrained from leaping there before. As soon as he fairly
 
 208 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PIIOF. FETHER. 
 
 settled himself, he commenced an oration, which, no doubt, was a 
 very capital one, if it could only have been heard. At the same 
 moment, the man with the tee-totum predilections, set himself to 
 spinning around the apartment, with immense energy, and with 
 arms outstretched at right angles with his body ; so that he had all 
 the air of a tee-totum in fact, and knocked every body down that 
 happened to get in his way. And now, too, hearing an incredi- 
 ble popping and fizzing of champagne, I discovered at length, that 
 it proceeded from the person who performed the bottle of that 
 delicate drink during dinner. And then, again, the frog-man 
 croaked away as if the salvation of his soul depended upon every 
 note that he uttered. And, in the midst of all this, the continu- 
 ous braying of a donkey arose over all. As for my old friend, 
 Madame Joyeuse, I really could have wept for the poor lady, she 
 appeared so terribly perplexed. All she did, however, was to 
 stand up in a corner, by the fire-place, and sing out incessantly, 
 at the top of her voice, " Cock-a-doodle-de-dooooooh !"" 
 
 And now came the climax the catastrophe of the drama. As 
 no resistance, beyond whooping and yelling and cock-a-doodle- 
 ing, was offered to the encroachments of the party without, the 
 ten windows were very speedily, and almost simultaneously, 
 broken in. But I shall never forget the emotions of wonder and 
 horror with which I gazed, when, leaping through these windows, 
 and down among us pele-mele, fighting, stamping, scratching, and 
 howling, there rushed a perfect army of what I took to be Chim 
 panzees, Ourang-Outangs, or big black baboons of the Cape of 
 Good Hope. 
 
 I received a terrible beating after which I rolled under a 
 jofa and lay still. After lying there some fifteen minutes, how 
 ever, during which time I listened with all my ears to what was 
 going on in the room, I came to some satisfactory denouement of 
 this tragedy. Monsieur Maillard, it appeared, in giving me 
 the. account of the lunatic who had excited his fellows to rebel- 
 lion, had been merely relating his own exploits. This gentleman 
 had, indeed, some two or three years before, been the superin 
 lendent of the establishment ; but grew crazy himself, and so 
 became a patient. This fact was unknown to the travelling com- 
 panion who introduced me. The keepers, ten in number, having
 
 THE SYSTEM OF DR. TARR AND PROF. FETHER. 209 
 
 been suddenly overpowered, were first well tarred, then carefully 
 feathered, and then shut up in underground cells. They had 
 been so imprisoned for more than a month, during which period 
 Monsieur Maillard had generously allowed them not only the tar 
 and feathers (which constituted his " system"), but some bread 
 and abundance of water. The latter was pumped on them daily. 
 At length, one escaping through a sewer, gave freedom to all the 
 rest. 
 
 The " soothing system," with important modifications, has been 
 resumed at the chateau ; yet I cannot help agreeing with Mon- 
 sieur Maillard, that his own " treatment" was a very capital one 
 of its kind. As he justly observed, it was "simple neat and 
 gave no trouble at all not the least." 
 
 I have only to add that, although I have searched every library 
 in Europe for the \\ orks of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether, I 
 have, up to the present day, utterly failed iu my endeavors at 
 procuring an edition.
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 
 
 LATE EDITOR OF THE " GOOSETHERUMFOOULE." 
 BY HIMSELF. 
 
 1 AM now growing in years, and since I understand that 
 Shakespeare and Mr. Emmons are deceased it is not impossible 
 that 1 may even die. It has occurred to me, therefore, that 1 
 may as well retire from the field of Letters and repose upon my 
 laurels. But I am ambitious of signalizing my abdication of the 
 literary sceptre by some important bequest to posterity ; and, 
 perhaps, I cannot do a better thing than just pen for it an account 
 of my earlier career. My name, indeed, has been so long and so 
 constantly before the public eye, that I am not only willing to 
 admit the naturalness of the interest which it has everywhere ex- 
 cited, but ready to satisfy the extreme curiosity which it has 
 inspired. In fact, it is no more than the duty of him who achieve? 
 greatness to leave behind him, in his ascent, such landmarks as 
 may guide others to be great. I propose, therefore, in the 
 present paper, (which I had some idea of calling " Memoranda 
 to serve for the Literary History of America,") to give a detail 
 of those important, yet feeble and tottering first steps, by which, at 
 length, I attained the high road to the pinnacle of human renown. 
 
 Of one's very remote ancestors it is superfluous to say much. 
 My father, Thomas Bob, Esq., stood for many years at the sum- 
 mit of his profession, which was that of a merchant-barber, in the 
 ei!;y of Smug. His warehouse was the resort of all the principal 
 people of the place, and especially of the editorial corps a body 
 which : nspires all about it with profound veneration and awe
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 211 
 
 For ray own part, I regarded them as gods, and drank in with 
 avidity the rich wit and wisdom which continuously flowed from 
 their august mouths during the process of what is styled " lather." 
 My first moment of positive inspiration must be dated from that 
 ever-memorable epoch, when the brilliant conductor of the " Gad- 
 Fly," in the intervals of the important process just mentioned, 
 recited aloud, before a conclave of our apprentices, an inimitable 
 poem in 'honor of the "Only Genuine Oil-of-Bob," (so called 
 from its talented inventor, my father,) and for which effusion the 
 editor of the " Fly" was remunerated with a regal liberality, by 
 the firm of Thomas Bob and company, merchant-barbers. 
 
 The genius of the stanzas to the " Oil-of-Bob" first breathed 
 into me, I say, the divine afflatus. I resolved at once to become 
 a great man and to commence by becoming a great poet. That 
 very evening I fell upon my knees at the feet of my father. 
 
 " Father," I said, " pardon me ! but I have a soul above 
 lather. It is my firm intention to cut the shop. I would be an 
 editor I would be a poet I would pen stanzas to the ' Oil-of- 
 Bob.' Pardon me and aid me to be great!" 
 
 " My dear Thingum," replied my father, (I had been christ- 
 ened Thingum after a wealthy relative so surnamed,) " My dear 
 Thingum," he said, raising me from my knees by the ears 
 " Thingum, my boy, you're a trump, and take after your father 
 in having a soul. You have an immense head, too, and it must 
 hold a great many brains. This I have long seen, and therefore 
 had thoughts of making you a lawyer. The business, however, 
 has grown ungenteel, and that of a politician don't pay. Upon 
 the whole you judge wisely ; the trade of editor is best: and 
 if you can be a poet at the same time, as most of the editors are f 
 by the. by, why you will kill two birds with one stone. To 
 encourage you in the beginning of things, I will allow you a gar- 
 ret ; pen, ink and paper ; a rhyming dictionary ; and a copy of 
 the * Gad-Fly.' I suppose you would scarcely demand any 
 more." 
 
 ' I would be an ungrateful villain if I did," I replied with 
 enthusiasm. " Your generosity is boundless. I will repay it 
 [>y making you the father of a genius." 
 
 Thus ended my conference with the best of men, and imrnedi
 
 212 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ 
 
 ately upon its termination, I betook myself with zeal to m^ 
 poetical labors ; as upon these, chiefly, I founded my hopes of 
 ultimate elevation to the editorial chair. 
 
 In my first attempts at composition I found the stanzas to "The 
 Oil-of-Bob" rather a draw-back than otherwise. Their splendor 
 more dazzled than enlightened me. The contemplation of their 
 excellence tended, naturally, to discourage me by comparison 
 with my own abortions ; so that for a long time I labored in vain. 
 At length there came into my head one of those exquisitely ori- 
 ginal ideas which now and then will permeate the brain of a man 
 of genius. It was this : or, rather, thus was it carried into 
 execution. From the rubbish of an old book-stall, in a very 
 remote corner of the town, I got together several antique and 
 altogether unknown or forgotten volumes. The bookseller sold 
 them to me for a song. From one of these, which purported to 
 be a translation of one Dante's "Inferno," I copied with remark- 
 able neatness a long passage about a man named Ugolino, who 
 had a parcel of brats. From another which contained a good 
 many old plays by some person whose name I forget, I extracted 
 in the same manner, and with the same care, a great number of 
 lines about " angels" and " ministers saying grace," and " goblins 
 damned," and more besides of that sort. From a third, which 
 was the composition of some blind man or other, either a Greek 
 or a Choctaw I cannot be at the pains of remembering every 
 trifle exactly I took about fifty verses beginning with " Achilles' 
 wrath," and " grease," and something else. From a fourth, 
 which I recollect was also the woi'k of a blind man, I selected a 
 page or two all about " hail" and " holy light ;" and although a 
 blind man has no business to write about light, still the verses 
 were sufficiently good in their way. 
 
 Having made fair copies of these poems I signed every one of 
 them " Oppodeldoc," (a fine sonorous name,) and, doing each up 
 nicely in a separate envelope, I despatched one to each of the 
 four principal Magazines, with a request for speedy insertion and 
 prompt pay. The result of this well conceived plan, however, 
 (the success of which would have saved me much trouble in after 
 life,) served to convince me that some editors are not to be bam- 
 boozled, and gave the coup-de-grace fas they say in France,) tc
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 213 
 
 my nascent hopes, (as they say in the city of the transcenden- 
 tals.) 
 
 The fact is, that each and every one of the Magazines in ques- 
 tion, gave Mr. " Oppodeldoc" a complete using-np, in the 
 " Monthly Notices to Correspondents." The " Hum-Drum" gave 
 him a dressing after this fashion : 
 
 " ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever he is,) has sent us a long tirade concerning a 
 bedlamite whom he styles " Ugolino," who had a great many children that 
 should have been all whipped and sent to bed without their suppers. The 
 whole affair is exceedingly tame not to say flat. ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever 
 he is,) is entirely devoid of imagination and imagination, in our humble 
 opinion, is not only the soul of POESY, but also its very heart. ' Oppodeldoc,'' 
 (whoever he is,) has the audacity to demand of us, for his twattle, a ' speedy 
 insertion and prompt pay.' We neither insert nor purchase any stuff of the 
 sort. There can be no doubt, however, that he would meet with a ready sale 
 for all the balderdash he can scribble, at the office of cither the ' Rowdy- 
 Dow,' the ' Lollipop,' or the ' Goosetherumfoodle.' " 
 
 All this, it must be acknowledged, was very severe upon 
 " Oppodeldoc" but the unkindest cut was putting the word 
 POESY in small caps. In those five pre-eminent letters what a 
 world of bitterness is there not involved ! 
 
 But " Oppodeldoc" was punished with equal severity i the 
 
 * Rowdy- Dow," which spoke thus : 
 
 " We have received a most singular and insolent communication from a 
 person, (whoever he is,) signing himself Oppodeldoc' thus desecrating the 
 greatness of the illustrious Roman Emperor so named. Accompanying the 
 letter of ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever he is,) we find sundry lines of most uis- 
 gusting and unmeaning rant about ' angels and ministers of grace') rant 
 such as no madman short of a Nat Lee, or an ' Oppodeldoc,' could possibly 
 perpetrate. And for this trash of trash, we are modestly requested to ' pay 
 promptly.' No sir no! We pay for nothing of that sort. Apply to the 
 
 Hum-Drum,' the ' Lollipop,' or the ; Goosetherumfoodle.' These periodicals 
 will undoubtedly accept any literary offal you may send them and as un- 
 doubtedly promise to pay for it." 
 
 This was bitter indeed upon poor " Oppodeldoc ;" but, in thia 
 instance, the weight of the satire falls upon the " Humdrum," the 
 " Lollipop," and the " Goosetherumfoodle," who are pungently 
 styled "periodicals" in Italics, too a thing that must have cu 
 them to the heart.
 
 214 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 
 
 Scarcely less savage was the " Lollipop," which thus dis- 
 coursed : 
 
 " Some individual, who rejoices in the appellation ' Oppodeldoc,' (to what 
 low uses are the names of the illustrious dead too often applied !) has 
 p.nclosed us some fifty or sixty verses commencing after this fashion : 
 
 Achilles' wrath, to Greece the direful spring 
 
 Of woes unnumbered, &c., &c., &c.. &c. 
 
 " Oppodeldoc.' (whoever he is.) is respectfully informed that there is not a 
 printer's devil in our office who is not in the daily habit of composing better 
 lines. Those of ' Oppodeldoc' will not scan. ' Oppodeldoc' should learn to 
 count. But why he should have conceived the idea that we, (of all others, 
 we!) would disgrace our pages with his ineffable nonsense is utterly bn- 
 vond comprehension. Why, the absurd twattle is scarcely good enough for 
 the ' Hum-Drum,' the ' Rowdy-Dow,' the ' Goosetherum foodie' things that 
 are in the practice of publishing 'Myher Goose's Melodies' asorigin.il 
 lyrics. And ' Oppodeldoc' (whoever he is ) has even the assurance to de- 
 mand pay for this drivel. Does ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever he is,) know is he 
 aware that we could not be paid to insert it V 
 
 As I perused this I felt myself growing gradually smaller and 
 smaller, and when I came to the point at which the editoi 
 sneered at the poem as " verses" there was little more than an 
 ounce of me left. As for " Oppodeldoc," I began to experience 
 compassion for the poor fellow. But the " Goosetherumfoodle" 
 showed, if possible, less mercy than the " Lollipop." It was the 
 " Goosetherumfoodle" that said : 
 
 " A wretched poetaster, who signs himself ' Oppodeldoc,' is silly enough 
 to fancy that we will print and pay for a medley of incoherent and ungrain- 
 inatical bombast which he has transmitted to us, and which commences 
 with the following most intelligible line : 
 
 ' Hail, Holy Light ! Offspring of Heaven, first born.' 
 
 " We say. ' most intelligible..' 1 ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever he is,) will be kind 
 enough to tell us, perhaps, how ' hair can be ' holy light ' We always re- 
 garded it as frozen rain. Will he inform us, also, how frozen rain can be, 
 at one and the same time, both ' holy light,' (whatever that is,) and an ' off- 
 spring V which latter term, (if we understand any thing about English,) is 
 only employed, with propriety, in reference to small babies of about six 
 weeks old. But it is preposterous to descant upon such absurdity although 
 ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever he is,) has the unparalleled effrontery to suppose 
 that we will not only 'insert' his ignrrant ravings, but (absolutely) pay for 
 them ! 
 
 " Now this is fine it is rich ! and we have half a mind to punish this 
 young scribbler for his egotism by really publishing his effusion) tirbi-'im
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 215 
 
 et literatim, as he has written it. We could inflict no punishment so severe, 
 and we would inflict it, hut for the horedom which we should cause our read 
 ers in so doing. 
 
 " Let ' Oppodeldoc,' (whoever he is,) send any future composition of like 
 character to the ' Hum-Drum,' the ' Lollipop,' or the ' Rowdy-Dow.' They 
 will ' insert' it. They ' insert' every month just such stuff. Send it to them. 
 WE are not to be insulted with impunity.'' 
 
 This made an ond of me ; and as for the " Hum-Drum," tin 1 . 
 " Rowdy- Dow," and the " Lollipop," I never could comprehend 
 ho\v they survived it. The putting them in the smallest possible 
 minion, (that was the rub thereby insinuating their lowness 
 their baseness,) while WE stood looking down upon them in 
 gigantic capitals ! oh it was too bitter ! it was wormwood it 
 was gall. Had I been either of these periodicals I would have 
 spared no pains to have the " Goosetherumfoodle" prosecuted. 
 It might have been done under the Act for the " Prevention of 
 Cruelty to Animals." As for u Oppodeldoc," (whoever he was,) 
 I had by this time lost all patience with the fellow, and sympa- 
 thized with him no longer. He was a fool, beyond doubt, (who- 
 ever he was,) and got not a kick more than he deserved. 
 
 The result of my experiment with the old books, convinced 
 me, in the first place, that " honesty is the best policy," and, in 
 the second, that if I could not write better than Mr. Dante, and 
 the two blind men, and the rest of the old set, it would, at least, 
 be a difficult matter to write worse. I took heart, therefore, and 
 delermined to prosecute the " entirely original," (as they say on 
 the covers of the magazines,) at whatever cost of study and 
 pains. I again placed before my eyes, as a model, the brilliant 
 stanzas on " The Oil-of-Bob" by the editor of the " Gad-Fly," 
 and resolved to construct an Ode on the same sublime theme, in 
 rivalry of what had already been done. 
 
 With my first verse I had no material difficulty. It ran thus . 
 " To pen an Ode upon (fie " Oil-of-Bob." 
 
 Having carefully looked out, however, all the legitimate 
 rhymes to " Bob," I found it impossible to proceed. In this 
 dilemma I had recourse to paternal aid ; and, after some hourd 
 of mature thought, my father and myself thus constructed the 
 poem :
 
 216 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 
 
 " To pen an Ode upon the " Oil-of-Bob" 
 Is all sorts of a job. 
 
 (Signed.) SNOB. 
 
 To be sure, this composition was of no very great length but 
 I "have yet to learn" as they say in the Edinburgh Review, thai 
 the mere extent of a literary work has any thing to do with its 
 merit. As for the Quarterly cant about "sustained effort," it is 
 impossible to see the sense of it. Upon the whole, therefore, I 
 was satisfied with the success of my maiden attempt, and now 
 the only question regarded the disposal I should make of it. My 
 father suggested that I should send it to the " Gad-Fly" but 
 there were two reasons which operated to prevent me from so 
 doing. I dreaded the jealousy of the editor and I had ascer- 
 tained that he did not pay for original contributions. I there- 
 fore, after due deliberation, consigned the article to the more 
 dignified pages of the " Lollipop," and awaited the event in 
 anxiety, but with resignation. 
 
 In the very next published number I had the proud satisfac- 
 tion of seeing my poem printed at length, as the leading article, 
 with the following significant words, prefixed in italics and be- 
 tween brackets : 
 
 [ We call the attention of our readers to the subjoined admirable stanzas on 
 " 77te Oil of Hob." We need say noth ing of their sublimity, or of their pathos : 
 it is impossible to peruse them without tears. Those who have been nauseated 
 ivitha sad dose on the same august topic from the goose-quill of the editor of the 
 " Gild-Fly" will do well to compare the two compositions. 
 
 P. S. We are consumed ivith anxiety to probe the mystery ti'hicJi envelops the 
 evident pseudonym " Snob.' 1 '' May we hope for a personal interview ?] 
 
 All this was scarcely more than justice, but it was, I confess, 
 rather more than I had expected : I acknowledged this, be it 
 observed, to the everlasting disgrace of my country and of man- 
 kind. I lost no time, however, in calling upon the editor of the 
 " Lollipop," and had the good fortune to find this gentleman at 
 home. He saluted me with an air of profound respect, slightly 
 blended with a fatherly and patronizing admiration, wrought in 
 him, no doubt, by my appearance of extreme youth and inexpe- 
 rience. Begging me to be seated, he entered at once upon the 
 subject of my poem ; but modesty will ever forbid me to repeat 
 the thousand compliments which he lavished upon me. The
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF TH1NGUM BOB, ESQ. 217 
 
 eulogies of Mr. Crab, (such was the editor's name,) were, how- 
 ever, by no means fulsomely indiscriminate. He analyzed my 
 composition with much freedom and great ability not hesitating 
 to point out a few trivial defects a circumstance which elevated 
 "him highly in my esteem. The " Gad-Fly" was, of course, 
 brought upon the tapis, and I hope never to be subjected to a 
 criticism so searching, or to rebukes so withering, as were be- 
 stowed by Mr. Crab upon that unhappy effusion. I had been 
 accustomed to regard the editor of the " Gad-Fly" as something 
 superhuman ; but Mr. Crab soon disabused me of that idea. He 
 set the literary as well as the personal character of the Fly (so 
 Mr. C. satirically designated the rival editor,) in its true light. 
 He, the Fly, was very little better than he should be. He had 
 written infamous things. He was a penny-a-liner, and a buffoon. 
 He was a villain. He had composed a tragedy which set the 
 whole country in a guffaw, and a farce which deluged the uni- 
 verse in tears. Besides all this, he had the impudence to pen 
 what he meant for a lampoon upon himself, (Mr. Crab,) and the 
 temerity to style him " an ass." Should I at any time wish to 
 express my opinion of Mr. Fry, the pages of the " Lollipop," 
 Mr. Crab assured me, were at my unlimited disposal. In the 
 meantime, as it was very certain that I would be attacked in the 
 Fly for my attempt at composing a rival poem on the " Oil-of- 
 Uob," he (Mr. Crab,) would take it upon himself to attend, 
 pointedly, to my private and personal interests. If I were not 
 made a man of at once, it should not be the fault of himself, (Mr. 
 Grab.) 
 
 Mr. Crab having now paused in his discourse, (the latter por- 
 tion of which I found it impossible to comprehend,) I ventured 
 to suggest something about the remuneration which I had been 
 taught to expect for my poem, by an announcement on the cover 
 of the ''Lollipop," declaring that it, (the "Lollipop,") "insisted 
 upon being permitted to pay exorbitant prices for all accepted 
 contributions ; frequently expending more money foi a single 
 lirief poem than the whole annual cost of the 'Hum-Drum,' the 
 ' Rowdy-Dow,' and the ' Goosetherumfoodle' combined." 
 
 As I mentioned the word " remuneration," Mr. Crab first 
 jpencd his eyes, and then his mouth, to quite a remarkable ex-
 
 218 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 
 
 tent; causing his personal appearance to resemble that of a 
 highly-agitated elderly duck in the act of quacking ; and in this 
 condition he remained, (ever and anon pressing his hands tightly 
 to his forehead, as if in a state of desperate bewilderment) until 
 I had nearly made an end of what I had to say. 
 
 Upon my conclusion, he sank back into his seat, as if much 
 overcome, letting his arms fall lifelessly by his side, but keeping 
 his mouth still rigorously open, after the fashion of the duck. 
 While I remained in speechless astonishment at beha^iov so 
 alarming, he suddenly leaped to his feet and made a rush at the 
 bell-rope ; but just as he reached this, he appeared to have 
 altered his intention, whatever it \vas, for he dived under a table 
 and immediately re-appeared with a cudgel. This he was in the 
 act of uplifting, (for what purpose I am at a loss to imagine,) 
 when, all at once, there came a benign smile over his features, 
 and he sank placidly back in his chair. 
 
 " Mr. Bob," he said, (for I had sent up my card before as- 
 cending myself,) " Mr. Bob, you are a young man, I presume 
 very ?" 
 
 I assented; adding that I had not yet concluded my third 
 lustrum. 
 
 ;< Ah !" he replied, " very good ! I see how it is say no 
 more ! Touching this matter of compensation, what you observe 
 is very just : in fact it is excessively so. But ah ah the first 
 contribution the first, I say it is never the Magazine custom 
 to pay for you comprehend, eh ? The truth is, we are usually 
 the recipients in such case." [Mr. Crab smiled blandly as he 
 emphasized the word " recipients/'] " For the most part, we 
 are paid for .the insertion of a maiden attempt especially in 
 verse. In the second place, Mr. Bob, the Magazine rule is never 
 to disburse what we term in France the argent comptant: 1 
 have no doubt you understand. In a quarter or two after publica- 
 tion of the article or in a year or two we make no objection 
 to giving our note at nine months : provided always that we can 
 FO arrange our affairs as to be quite certain of a ' burst up' in 
 six. I really do hope, Mr. Bob, that you will look upon this ex- 
 planation as satisfactory." Here Mr. Crab concluded, and tl> 
 tears stood in his eyes.
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THING UM BUB, ESQ. 219 
 
 Grieved to the soul at having been, however innocently, the 
 pause of pain to so eminent and so sensitive a man, I hastened to 
 apologize, and to reassure him, by expressing my perfect coinci- 
 dence with his views, as well as my entire appreciation of the 
 lelicacy of his position. Having done all this in a neat speech, 
 t took leave. 
 
 One fine morning, very shortly afterwards, " I awoke and 
 bund myself famous." The extent of my renown will be best 
 jstimated by reference to the editorial opinions of the day. These 
 opinions, it will be seen, were embodied in critical notices of the 
 /lumber of the " Lollipop" containing my poem, and are perfectly 
 satisfactory, conclusive and clear with the exception, perhaps, of 
 the hieroglyphical marks, " Sep. 15 1 t." appended to each of 
 the critiques. 
 
 The " Owl," a journal of profound sagacity, and well known 
 for the deliberate gravity of its literary decisions the " Owl," 
 I say, spoke as follows : 
 
 ' ' THE LOLLIPOP !' The October number of this delicious Magazine 
 surpasses its predecessors, and sets competition at defiance. In the beauty 
 of its typography and paper in the number and excellence of its steel 
 plates as well as in the literary merit of its contributions the ' Lollipop' 
 compares with its slow-paced rivals as Hyperion with a Satyr. The 'Hum- 
 Drum,' the ' Rowdy-Dow,' and the ' Goosetheru'mfoodle,' excel, it is true, 
 in braggadocio, but. in all other points, give us the ' Lollipop !' How this 
 celebrated journal can sustain its evidently tremendous expenses, is more 
 than we can understand. To be sure, it has a circulation of J 00, 000, and 
 its subscription-list has increased one-fourth during the last month ; but. on 
 the other hand, the sums it disburses constantly for contributions are incon- 
 ceivable. It is reported that Mr. Slyass received no less than thirty-seven 
 and a half cents for his inimitable paper on ' Pigs.' With Mr. CRAB, as 
 editor, and with such names upon the list of contributors as SNOB and Sly- 
 ass, there can be no such word as ' fail' for the ' Lollipop.' Go and sub 
 scribe. Sep. 15 1 t." 
 
 I must say that I was gratified with this high-toned notice 
 from a paper so respectable as the " Owl." The placing my 
 name that is to say, my nom de guerre in priority of station 
 to that of the great Slyass, was a compliment as happy as I felt 
 it to be deserved. 
 
 My attention was next arrested by these paragraphs in the
 
 220 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB ESQ. 
 
 ' Toad " a print highly distinguished tor its uprightness, an^ 
 independence for its entire freedom from sycophancy and sub-' 
 servience to the givers of dinners : 
 
 " The ' Lollipop' for October is out in advance of all its contemporaries, 
 and infinitely surpasses them, of course, in the splendor of i* embellish- 
 ments, as well as in the richness of its literary contents. The ' Hum- 
 Drum,' the ' Rowdy-Dow,' and the ' Goosetherumfoodle' excel, we admit, 
 in braggadocio, but, in all other points, give us the ' Lollipop.' How this 
 celebrated Magazine can sustain its evidently tremendous expenses, is more 
 than we can understand. To be sure, it has a circulation of 200,000, and 
 its subscription list has increased one-third during the last fortnight, but on 
 the other hand, the sums it disburses, monthly, for contributions, are fear- 
 fully great. We learn that Mr. Mumblethumb received no less than fifty 
 cents for his late ' Monody in a Mud-Puddle.' 
 
 " Among the original contributors to the present number we notice, (be- 
 sides the eminent editor, Mr. CRAB,) such men as SNOB, Slyass, and Mum- 
 blethumb. Apart from the editorial matter, the most valuable paper, never- 
 theless, is, we think, a poetical gem by ' Snob, on the ' Oil-of-Bob' but 
 our readers must not suppose from the title of this incomparable bijou, that 
 it bears any similitude to some balderdash on the same subject by a certain 
 lontemptible individual whose name is unmentionable to ears polite. The 
 present poem ' On the Oil-of-Boh.' has excited universal anxiely and curi- 
 osity in respect to the owner of the evident pseudonym, ' Snob' a curiosity 
 which, happily, we have it in our power to satisfy. ' Snob' is the nom-dc- 
 p/iimc of Mr. Thingum .Bob, of this city, a relative of the great Mr 
 Tliingum, (after whom he is named.) and otherwise connected with the 
 nost illustrious families of the State. His father, Thomas Bob, Esq., is an 
 opulent merchant in Smug. Sep. 15 1 ." 
 
 This generous approbation touched me to the heart tne more 
 especially as it emanated from a source so avowedly so pro- 
 verbially pure as the " Toad." The word ' balderdash," as 
 applied to the " Oil-of-Bob" of the Fly, I considered singularly 
 pungent and appropriate. The words " gem " and " bijou" 
 however, used in reference to my composition, struck me .as 
 being, in some degree, feeble. They seemed to me to be defi- 
 cient in force. They were not sufficiently prononcis, (as we 
 have it in France). 
 
 I had hardly finished reading the " Toad," when a friend 
 placed in my hands a copy of the " Mole," a daily, enjoying 
 high reputation for the keenness of its perception about matters 
 in general, and foi the open, honest, abnve-ground style of its 1
 
 THE LlTEitARY LIFE OF PHINGUM BOB, ESQ. 221 
 
 editorials. The "Mole" spoke of the " Lollipop" as fol- 
 lows : 
 
 " We have ji'st received the ' Lollipop' for October, and must say that 
 never before have we perused any single number of any periodical which 
 afforded us a felicity so supreme. We speak advisedly. . The ' Hum-Drum,' 
 the ' Rowdy-Dow' and the ' Goosetherumfoodle' must look well to their 
 laurels. These prints, no doubt, surpass every thing in loudness of preten- 
 sion, but, in all other points, give us the ' Lollipop !' How this celebrated 
 Magazine can sustain its evidently tremendous expenses, is more than we 
 can comprehend. To be sure, it has a circulation of 300.000 ; and its sub- 
 scription-list has increased one-half within the last week, but then the sum 
 it disburses, monthly, for contributions, is astoundingly enormous. We 
 have it upon good authority, that Mr. Fatquack received no less than sixty- 
 two cents and a half for his late Domestic Nouvelette, the ' Dish-Clout.' 
 
 " The contributors to the number before us are Mr CRAB, (the eminent 
 editor,) SNOB, Mumblethumb, Fatquack, and others ; but, after the inimita 
 ble compositions of the editor himself, we prefer a diamond-like effusion 
 from the pen of a rising poet who writes over the signature ' Snob' a 
 nom de guerre which we predict will one day extinguish the radiance of 
 ' Boz.' " SNOB,' we learn, is a Mr. THINGUM BOB, Esq., sole heir of a 
 wealthy merchant of this city, Thomas Bob, Esq., and a near relative of the 
 distinguished Mr. Thingum. The title of Mr. B.'s admirable poem is the 
 ' Oil-of-Bob' a somewhat unfortunate name, by-the-by, as some contempt- 
 ible vagabond connected with the penny press has already disgusted the 
 town with a great deal of drivel upon the same topic. There will be no 
 danger, however, of confounding the compositions. Sep. 15 I t." 
 
 The generous approbation of so clear-sighted a journal as the 
 " Mole" penetrated my soul with delight. The only objection 
 which occurred to me was, that the terms " contemptible vaga- 
 bond" might have been better written " odious and contemptible, 
 wretch, villain and vagabond." This would have sounded more 
 gracefully, I think. " Diamond-like," also, was scarcely, it will 
 be admitted, of sufficient intensity to express what the " Mole " 
 evidently thought of the brilliancy of the " Oil-of-Bob." 
 
 On the same afternoon in which I saw these notices in the 
 **O\vl," the " Toad," and the "Mole" I happened to meet with 
 a copy of the " Daddy-Long- Legs," , periodical proverbial for 
 the extreme extent of its understanding. And it was the " Dad 
 tly-Long-Legs" which spoke thus : 
 
 " The ' Lollipop' ! ! This gorgeous Magazine is already before the pub. 
 lie for October. The question of ore-eminence is forever put to rest, and
 
 222 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THIXGUM BOB, KSy. 
 
 hereafter it will be excessively preposterous in the ' Hum-Drum,' the ' Row- 
 dy-Dow,' or the ' Goosetherumfoodle,' to make any fauher spasmodic 
 attempts at competition. These journals may excel the ' Lollipop' in ou' 
 cry, but, in all other points, give us the ' Lollipop !' liow this celebrated 
 Magazine can sustain its evidently tremendous expenses, is past compre- 
 hension. To be sure it has a circulation of precisely half a million, and its 
 subscription-list has increased seventy-five per cent, within the last couple 
 -.1 aa/^ , out then the sums it disburses, monthly, for contributions, aro 
 scarcely credible ; we are cognizant of the fact, that Mademoiselle Criba- 
 little received no less than eighty-seven cents and a half for her late valua- 
 ble Revolutionary Tale, entitled ' The York-Town Katy-Did, and the Bun- 
 ker-Hill Katy-Did'nt.' 
 
 " The most able papers in the present number, are, of course, those fur- 
 nished by the editor, (the eminent Mr. CRAB.) but there are numerous mag- 
 nificent contributions from such names as SNOB, Mademoiselle Cribalittle, 
 Slyass, Mrs. Fibalittle, Mumble thumb, Mrs. Squibalittle, and last, though 
 not least, Fatquack. The world may well be challenged to produce so rich 
 a galaxy of genius. 
 
 " The poem over the signature ' SNOB' is, we find, attracting universal 
 commendation, and, we are constrained to say, deserves, if possible. CVCM 
 D ore applause than it has received. The ' Oil-of Bob' is the title of this 
 masterpiece of eloquence and art. One or two of our readers may have 
 very faint, although sufficiently disgusting recollection of a poem (?) simi- 
 larly entitled, the perpetration of a miserable penny-a-liner, mendicant, anJ 
 cut-throat, connected in the capacity of scullion, we believe, with one o. 
 he indecent prints about the purlieus of the city ; we beg them, for God's 
 sake, not to confound the compositions. The author of the ' Oil-of-Bob' is, 
 we hear, THINGUM BOB, Esq.. a gentleman of high genius, and a scholar. 
 ' Snob' is merely a nom-dc-gucrre. Sept. 15 1 t." 
 
 I could scarcely restrain ray indignation while I perused the 
 concluding portions of this diatribe. It was clear to me that the 
 yea-nay manner not to say the gentleness the positive for- 
 bearance with which the " Daddy-Long-Legs" spoke of that 
 pig, the editor of the " Gad-Fly" it was evident to me. I say, 
 (hat this gentleness of speech could proceed from nothing eke 
 than a partiality for the Fly whom it was clearly the intention 
 of the ' : Daddy-Long-Legs" to elevate into reputation at my 
 expense. Anyone, indeed, might perceive, with half an eye, 
 that, had the real design of the " Daddy" been what it wished 
 to appear, it, (the " Daddy,") might have expressed itself in 
 ,01-1113 more direct, more pungent, and altogether more to the 
 mrpose. The words " penny-;i-liner," " mendicant," " scullion,"
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 223 
 
 and " cut-throat," were epithets so intentionally inexpressive 
 and equivocal, as to be worse than nothing when applied to the 
 author of the very worst stanzas ever penned by one of the 
 human race. We all know what is meant by " damning with 
 faint praise," and, on the other hand, who could fail seeing 
 through the covert purpose of the " Daddy" that of glorifying 
 with feeble abuse ? 
 
 What the " Daddy " chose to say of the Fly, however, was 
 no business of mine. What it said of myself was. After the 
 noble manner in which the " Owl," the " Toad," the " Mole," 
 had expressed themselves in respect to my ability, it was rather 
 too much to be coolly spoken of by a thing like the " Daddy- 
 Long-Legs," as merely "a gentleman of high genius and a 
 scholar." Gentleman indeed ! I made up my mind at once 
 either to get a written apology from the " Daddy-Long-Legs,'' 
 or to call it out. 
 
 Full of this purpose, I looked about me to find a friend whom 
 I could entrust with a message to his Daddyship, and as the edi- 
 tor of the " Lollipop" had given me marked tokens of regard, I 
 at length concluded to seek assistance upon the present occasion. 
 
 I have never yet been able to account, in a manner satisfac- 
 tory to my own understanding, for the very peculiar countenance 
 and demeanor with which Mr. Crab listened to me, as I unfolded 
 to him my design. He again went through the scene of the 
 bell-rope and cudgel, and did not omit the duck. At one period 
 I thought he really intended to quack. His fit, nevertheless, 
 finally subsided as before, and he began to act and speak in a 
 rational way. He declined bearing the cartel, however, and in 
 fact, dissuaded me from sending it at all ; but was candid enough 
 to admit that the " Daddy-Long-Legs" had been disgracefully 
 in the wrong more especially in what related to the epithets 
 " gentleman and scholar." 
 
 Towards the end of this interview with Mr. Crab, who really 
 appeared to take a paternal interest in my welfare, he suggested 
 to me that I might turn an honest penny, and, at the same time, 
 advance my reputation, by occasionally playing Thomas Hawk 
 for the " Lollipop."
 
 224 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 
 
 I begged Mr. Crab to inform me who was Mr. Thomas Ha\\k 
 and how it was expected that I should play him. 
 
 Here Mr. Crab again " made great eyes," (as we say in Ger. 
 many,) but at length, recovering himself from a profound attack 
 of astonishment, he assured me that he employed the words 
 " Thomas Hawk" to avoid the colloquialism, Tommy, which 
 was low but that the true idea was Tommy Hawk or toma- 
 hawk and that by " playing tomahawk" he referred to scalp- 
 ing, brow-beating and otherwise using-up the herd of poor-devil 
 authors. 
 
 I assured my patron that, if this was all, I was perfectly re- 
 signed to the task of playing Thomas Hawk. Hereupon Mr. 
 Crab desired me to use-up the editor of the " Gad-Fly" forth- 
 with, in the fiercest style within the scope of my ability, and as 
 a specimen of my powers. This I did. upon the spot, in a re- 
 view of the original " Oil-of-Bob," occupying thirty-six pages 
 of the " Lollipop." I found playing Thomas Hawk, indeed, a 
 far less onerous occupation than poetizing ; for I went upon 
 system altogether, and thus it was easy to do the thing thoroughly 
 and well. My practice was this. I bought auction copies (cheap) 
 of " Lord Brougham's Speeches," " Cobbett's Complete Works," 
 the "New Slang-Syllabus," the "Whole Art of Snubbing," 
 " Prentice's Billingsgate," (folio edition,) and " Lewis G. Clarke 
 on Tongue." These works I cut up thoroughly with a curry- 
 comb, and then, throwing the shreds into a sieve, sifted out 
 carefully all that might be thought decent, (a mere trifle) ; re- 
 serving the hard phrases, which I threw into a large tin pepper- 
 castor with longitudinal holes, so that an entire sentence could 
 get through without material injury. The mixture was then 
 ready for use. When called upon to play Thomas Hawk, I 
 anointed a sheet of fools-cap with the white of a gander's egg ; 
 then, shredding the thing to be reviewed as I had previously 
 shredded the books, only with more care, so as to get every 
 word separate I threw the latter shreds in with the former, 
 screwed on the lid of the castor, gave it a shake, and so dusted 
 out the mixture upon the egg'd foolscap ; where it stuck. The 
 effect was beautiful to behold. It was captivating. Indeed, the 
 reviews I brought to pass bv this simple expedient have nevel
 
 THE LITERARy LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 225 
 
 been approached, and were the wonder of the world. At first, 
 through bashfulness the result of inexperience I was a little 
 put out by a certain inconsistency a certain air of the bizarre, 
 (as we say in France,) worn by the composition as a whole. All 
 the phrases did not Jit, (as we eay in the Anglo-Saxon.) Many 
 were quite awry. Some, even, were up-side-down ; and there 
 were none of them which were not, in some measure, injured in 
 regard to effect, by this latter species of accident, when it oc- 
 curred ; with the exception of Mr. Lewis Clarke's paragraphs, 
 which were so vigorous, and altogether stout, that they seemed 
 not particularly disconcerted by any extreme of position, but 
 looked equally happy and satisfactory, whether on their heads, 
 or on their heels. 
 
 What became of the editor of the " Gad-Fly," after the pub 
 lication of my criticism on his " Oil-of-Bob," it is somewhat 
 difficult to determine. The most reasonable conclusion is, that 
 he wept himself to death. At all events he disappeared instan- 
 taneously from the face of the earth, and no man has seen even 
 the ghost of him since. 
 
 This matter having been properly accomplished, and the Fu- 
 ries appeased, I grew at once into high favor with Mr. Crab. 
 He took me into his confidence, gave me a permanent situation 
 as Thomas Hawk of the " Lollipop," and, as for the present, he 
 could afford me no salary, allowed me to profit, at discretion, by 
 his advice. 
 
 " My dear Thingum," said he to me one day after dinner, " I 
 respect your abilities and love you as a son. You shall be my 
 heir. When I die I will bequeath you the ' Lollipop." In the 
 meantime I will make a man of you I will provided always 
 that you follow my counsel. The first thing to do is to get rid 
 of the old bore." 
 
 " Boar ?" said I inquiringly " pig, eh ? aper f (as we say in 
 Latin) who ? where ?" 
 
 " Your father," said he. 
 
 " Precisely," I replied, " pig-" 
 
 " You have your fortune to make, Thingum," resumed Mr. 
 Crab, " and that governor of yours is a millstone about your 
 neck. We must cut him at once." [Here 1 took out my knife.]
 
 226 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THIXGUM BOB, ESQ. 
 
 " We must cut him," continued Mr. Crab, " decidedly and for 
 ever. He won't do he icorit. Upon second thoughts, you 
 had better kick him, or cane him, or something of that kind." 
 
 " What do you say," I suggested modestly, " to my kicking 
 him in the first instance, caning him afterwards, and winding up 
 by tweaking his nose?" 
 
 Mr. Crab looked at me musingly for some moments, and then 
 answered : 
 
 . " 1 think, Mr. Bob, that what you propose would answer suffi- 
 ciently well indeed remarkably well that is to say, as far as 
 it went but barbers are exceedingly hard to cut, and I think, 
 upon the whole, that, having performed upon Thomas Bob 
 the operations you suggest, it would be advisable to blacken, 
 with your fists, both his eyes, very carefully and thoroughly, to 
 prevent his ever seeing you again in fashionable promenades. 
 After doing this, I really do not perceive that you can do any 
 more. However it might be just as well to roll him once or 
 twice in the gutter, and then put him in charge of the police. 
 Any time the next moi'ning you can call at the watch-house and 
 swear an assault." 
 
 I was much affected by the kindness of feeling towards me 
 personally, which was evinced in this excellent advice of Mr. 
 Crab, and I did not fail to profit by it forthwith. The result 
 was, that I got rid of the old bore, and began to feel a little in- 
 dependent and gentleman-like. The want of money, however, 
 was, for a few weeks, a source of some discomfort ; but at length, 
 by carefully putting to use my two eyes, and observing how 
 matters went just in front of my nose, I perceived how the 
 thing was to be brought about. I say " thing" be it observed 
 for they tell me the Latin for it is rem. By the way, talking of 
 Latin, can any one tell me the meaning of quocunque or what 
 is the meaning of modo ? 
 
 My plan was exceedingly simple. I bought, for a song, a 
 sixteenth of the " Snapping-Turtle :" that was all. The thing 
 was done, and I put money in my purse. There were some tri- 
 vial arrangements afterwards, to be sure ; but these formed no, 
 portion of the plan. They were a consequence a result. For 
 example, I bought pen, ink and paper, and put them into furious
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGLM BOB, ESQ. 227 
 
 activity. Having thus completed a Magazine article, I gave it, 
 for appellation, " FoL-LoL, by the Author of ' THE OIL-OF- 
 BOB,' " and enveloped it to the " Goosetherumfoodle." That 
 journal, however, having pronounced it " twattle" in the 
 " Monthly Notices to Correspondents," I reheaded the paper 
 " ' Hey-Diddle-Diddle,' by THINGUM BOB, Esq., Author of the 
 Ode on ' The Oil-of-Bob,' and Editor of the " Snapping-Turtle." 
 With this amendment, I re-enclosed it to the " Goosetherum- 
 foodle," and, while I awaited a reply, published daily, in the 
 " Turtle," six columns of what may be termed philosophical and 
 analytical investigation of the literary merits of the " Goose- 
 therumfoodle," as well as of the personal character of the editor 
 of the " Goosetherumfoodle." A-t the end of a week the, 
 " Goosetherumfoodle." discovered that it had, by some odd mis- 
 take, " confounded a stupid article, headed ' Hey-Diddle-Diddle' 
 and composed by some unknown ignoramus, with a gem of re- 
 splendent lustre similarly entitled, the work of Thingum Bob. 
 Esq., the celebrated author of ' The Oil-of-Bob' " The " Goose 
 therumfoodle" deeply " regretted this very natural accident," 
 and promised, moreover, an insertion of the genuine " Hey-Did- 
 dle-Diddle" in the very next number of the Magazine. 
 
 The fact is, I thought I really thought I thought at the 
 time I thought then and have no reason for thinking other- 
 wise now that the " Goosetherumfoodle" did make a mistake. 
 With the best intentions in the world, I never knew any thing 
 that made as many singular mistakes as the " Goosetherumfoo- 
 dle." From that day I took a liking to the " Goosetherumfoo- 
 dle," and the result was I soon saw into the ve"ry depths of its 
 literary merits, and did not fail to expatiate upon them, in the 
 '* Turtle," whenever a fitting opportunity occurred. And it is 
 to be regarded as a very peculiar coincidence as one of those 
 positively remarkable coincidences which set a man to serious 
 thinking that just such a total revolution of opinion just such 
 entire bouleversement, (as we say in French,) just such thor- 
 ough topsiturviness, (if I may be permitted to employ a rather 
 forcible term of the Choctaws,) as happened, pro and con, be- 
 tween myself on the one part, and the " Goosetherumfoodle" on 
 the other, did actually again happen, in a brief period after-
 
 228 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM" BOB, ESQ. 
 
 wards, and with precisely similar circumstances, in the case of 
 myself and the " Rowdy-Dow," and in the case of myself and 
 the "Hum-Drum." 
 
 Thus it was that, by a master-stroke of genius, I at length 
 consummated my triumphs by " putting money in my purse," 
 and thus may be said really and fairly to have commenced that 
 brilliant and eventful career which rendered me illustrious, and 
 which now enables me to say, with Chateaubriand, " I have made, 
 history" " fai fait Vhistoire" 
 
 I have indeed " made history." From the bright epoch which 
 I now record, my actions my works are the property of man- 
 kind. They are familiar to the world. It is, then, needless for 
 me to detail how, soaring rapidly, I fell heir to the " Lollipop" 
 how I merged this journal in the " Hum-Drum'' how again 1 
 made purchase of the " Rowdy-Dow," thus combining the three 
 periodicals how, lastly, I effected a bargain for the sole re- 
 maining rival, and united all the literature of the country in one 
 magnificent Magazine, known everywhere as the 
 
 " Rowdy-Dow, Lollipop, Hum- Drum, 
 and 
 
 GO O SETHERUMFO ODL E." 
 
 Yes ; I have made history. My fame is universal. It extends 
 to the uttermost ends of the earth. You cannot take up a com- 
 mon newspaper in which you shall not see some allusion to the 
 immortal TIIINGUM BOB. It is Mr. Thingum Bob said so, and 
 Mr. Thingum Bob wrote this, and Mr. Thingura Bob did that. 
 But I am meek and expire with an humble heart. After all, 
 what is it ? this indescribable something which men will persist 
 in terming " genius ?" I agree with Buffon with Hogarth it 
 is but diligeiwe after all. 
 
 Look at me ! how I labored how I toiled how I wrote ! 
 Ye Gods, did I not write ? I knew not the word " ease." By 
 day I adhered to my desk, and at night, a pale student, I con- 
 sumed the midnight oil. You should have seen me you should. 
 I leaned to the right. I leaned to the left. I sat forward. I 
 sat backward 1 sat upon end. I sat tete baissee, (as they havo
 
 THE LITERARY LIFE OF THINGUM BOB, ESQ. 229 
 
 it in the Kickapoo,) bowing my head close to the alabaster page. 
 A-nd, through all, I wrote. Through joy and through sorrow, 
 I wrote. Through hunger and through thirst, I wrote. 
 Through good report and through ill report, I wrote. Through 
 eunshine and through moonshine, I wrote. What I wrote it is 
 unnecessary to say. The style ! that was the thing I caught 
 it from Fatquack whizz ! fizz ! and I am. giving you a soeci 
 men of it now.
 
 HOff TO fflUTE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE, 
 
 1 In the name of the Prophet figs ! !" 
 
 Cry of Turkish fig pedlcr. 
 
 1 PRESUME every body has heard of me. My name is the 
 Signora Psyche Zenobia. This I know to be a fact. No body 
 but my enemies ever calls me Suky Snobbs. I have been as- 
 sured that Suky is bilt a vulgar corruption of Psyche, which is 
 good Greek, and means " the soul" (that's me, I'm all soul) and 
 sometimes " a butterfly," which latter meaning undoubtedly al- 
 ludes to my appearance in my new crimson satin dress, with the 
 sky-blue Arabian mantelet, and the trimmings of green agraffcts, 
 and the seven flounces of orange-colored auriculas. As for 
 Snobbs any person who should look at me would be instantly 
 aware that my name wasn't Snobbs. Miss Tabitha Turnip pro- 
 pagated that report through sheer envy. Tabitha Turnip indeed ! 
 Oh the little wretch ! But what can we expect from a turnip ? 
 Wonder if she remembers the old adage about " blood out of a 
 turnip, &c." [Mem: put her in mind of it the first opportunity.] 
 [Mem again pull her nose.] Where was I ? Ah ! I have 
 been assured that Snobbs is a mere corruption of Zenobia, and 
 that Zenobia was a queen (So am I. Dr. Moneypenny, always 
 calls me the Queen of Hearts ) and that Zenobia, as well as 
 Psyche, is good Greek, and that my father was " a Greek," and 
 that consequently I have a right to our patronymic, which is Ze- 
 nobia, and not by any means Snobbs. Nobody but Tabitha 
 Turnip calls me Suky Snobbs. I am the Signora Psyche 
 Zenobia. 
 
 As I said before, everybody has heard of me. I am that very 
 Signora Psyche Zenobia, so justly celebrated as corresponding
 
 HOW TO WRITE A BLACK WOOD ARTICLE. 231 
 
 secretary to the " Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange, Tea, Total, 
 Young, Belles, Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical 
 Association, To, Civilize, Humanity" Dr. Moneypenny made 
 the title for us, and says he chose it because it sounded big like 
 an empty rum-puncheon. (A vulgar man that sometimes but 
 he's deep.) We all sign the initials of the society after our 
 ,,ames, in the fashion of the R. S. A., Royal Society of Arts 
 the S. D. U. K., Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge, 
 '&c. &c. Dr. Moneypenny says that S stands for stale, and that 
 D. U. K. spells duck, (but it don't,) and that S. D. U. K. stands 
 for Stale Duck, and not for Lord Brougham's society but then 
 Dr. Moneypenny is such a queer man that lam never sure when 
 he is telling me the truth. At any rate we always add to our 
 names the initials P. R. E. T. T. Y. B. L. U. E. B. A. T. C. H. 
 that is to say, Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange, Tea, Total, 
 Young, Belles, Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical, 
 Association, To, Civilize, Humanity one letter for each word, 
 which is a decided improvement upon Lord Brougham. Dr. 
 Moneypenny will have it that our initials give our true charac- 
 ter but for my life I can't see what he means. 
 
 Notwithstanding the good offices of the Doctor, and the stren- 
 uous exertions of the association to get itself into notice, it met 
 with no very great success until I joined it. .The truth is, mem- 
 bers indulged in too flippant a tone of discussion. The papers 
 read every Saturday evening were characterized less by depth 
 than buffoonery. They were all whipped syllabub. There was 
 no investigation of first causes, first principles. There was no 
 investigation of anything at all. There was no attention paid to 
 that great point, the " fitness of things." In short there was no 
 fine writing like this. It was all low very ! No profundity, 
 no reading, no metaphysics nothing which the learned call spir- 
 ituality, and which the unlearned choose to stigmatize as cant. 
 [Dr. M. says I ought to spell " cant" with a capital K but I 
 know better.] 
 
 When I joined the society it was my endeavor to introduce a 
 better style of thinking and writing, and all the world knows how 
 well I have succeeded. ~We get up as good papers now in the 
 P. R. E. T. T .Y. B. I-. U. E B. A. T. C. H. as any to be found
 
 232 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 
 
 even in Blackwood. I say, Blackwood, because I have been 
 assured that the finest writing, upon every subject, is to be dis- 
 covered in the pages of that justly celebrated Magazine. We 
 now take it for our model upon all themes, and are getting into 
 rapid notice accordingly. And, after all, it's not so very difficult 
 a matter to compose an article of the genuine Blackwood stamp, 
 if one only goes properly about it. Of course I don't speak of 
 the political articles. Everybody knows how they are managed, 
 since Dr. Moneypenny explained it. Mr. Blackwood has a pair 
 of tailor's-shears, and three apprentices who stand by him for or- 
 ders. One hands him the " Times," another the " Examiner." 
 and a third a " Gulley's New Compendium of Slang- Whang." 
 Mr. B. merely cuts out and intersperses. It is soon done 
 nothing but Examiner, Slang- Whang, and Times then Times, 
 Slang Whang, and Examiner and then Times, Examiner and 
 Slang- Whang. 
 
 But the chief merit of the Magazine lies in its miscellaneous 
 articles ; and the best of these come under the head of what Dr. 
 Moneypenny calls the bizarreries (whate-ver that may mean) and 
 what everybody else calls the intensities. This is a species of 
 writing which I have long known how to appreciate, although it 
 is only since my late visit to Mr. Blackwood (deputed by the 
 society) that I have been made aware of the exact method of 
 composition. This method is very simple, but not so much so as 
 the politics. Upon my calling at Mr. B.'s, and making known 
 to him the wishes of the society, he received me with great civil- 
 ity, took me into his study, and gave me a clear explanation of 
 tLe whole process. 
 
 " My dear madam," said he, evidently struck with my majes 
 tic appearance, for I had on the crimson satin, with the green 
 agraffas, and orange-colored auriculas, " My dear madam," said 
 he, " sit down. The matter stands thus. In the first place 
 your writer of intensities must have very black ink, and a very 
 big pen, with a very blunt nib. And, mark me, Miss Psyche 
 Zenobia !" he continued, after a pause, with the most impressive 
 energy and solemnity of manner, " mark me ! that pen must 
 never be mended! Here'n, madam, lies the secret, the soul, of 
 intensity. I assume upon myself to say, that no individual-
 
 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 233 
 
 of however great genius, ever wrote with a good pen, under 
 stand me, a good article. You may take it for granted, that 
 when manuscript can be read it is never worth reading. This is 
 a leading principle in our faith, to which if you cannot readily 
 assent, our conference is at an end." 
 
 He paused. But, of course, as I had no wish to put an end to 
 the conference, I assented to a proposition so very obvious, and 
 one, too, of whose truth I had all along been sufficiently aware. 
 He seemed pleased, and went on with his instructions. 
 
 " It may appear invidious in me, Miss Psyche Zenobia, to refer 
 you to an article, or set of articles, in the way of model or study ; 
 yet perhaps I may as well call your attention to a few cases. 
 Let me see. There was ' The Dead Alive,' a capital thing ! 
 the record of a gentleman's sensations when entombed before the 
 breath was out of his body full of taste, terror, sentiment, meta- 
 physics, and erudition. You would have sworn that the writer 
 had been born and brought up in a coffin. Then we had the 
 ' Confessions of an Opium-eater' fine, very fine ! glorious ima- 
 gination deep philosophy acute speculation plenty of fire and 
 fury, and a good spicing of the decidedly unintelligible. That 
 was a nice bit of flummery, and went down the throats of the 
 people delightfully. They would have it that Coleridge wrote 
 the paper but not so. It was composed by my pet baboon, 
 Juniper, over a rummer of Hollands and water, ' hot, without 
 sugar.' " [This I could scarcely have believed had it been any 
 body but Mr. Blackwood, who assured me of it.] " Then thenf 
 was ' TJie Involuntary Experimentalist? all about a gentleman 
 who got baked in an oven, and came out alive and well, although 
 certainly done to a turn. And then there was ' The Diary of a 
 Late Physician' where the merit lay in good rant, and indiffer- 
 ent Greek both of them taking things with the public. And 
 then there was ' The Man in the Bell,' a paper by-the-by, Miss 
 Zenobia, which I cannot sufficiently recommend to your attention. 
 It is the history of a young person who goes to sleep under the 
 clapper of a church bell, and is awakened by its tolling for a 
 funeral. The sound drives him mad, and, accordingly, pulling 
 out his tablets, he gives a record of his sensations. Sensations 
 are the great things after all. Should you ever be drowneJ of
 
 234 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 
 
 hung, be sure and make a note of your sensations they will IKJ 
 worth to you ten guineas a sheet. If you wish to write forcibly, 
 Miss Zenobia, pay minute attention to the sensations." 
 
 " That I certainly will, Mr. Blackwood,' said I. 
 
 " Good !" he replied. " I see you are a pupil after my own 
 heart. But I must put you au fait to the details necessary in 
 composing what may be denominated a genuine Blackwood arti- 
 cle of the sensation stamp the kind which you will understand 
 me to say I consider the best for all purposes. 
 
 " The first thing requisite is to get yourself into such a scrape 
 as no one ever got into before. The oven, for instance, that 
 was a good hit. But if you have no oven, or big bell, at hand, 
 and if you cannot conveniently tumble out of a balloon, or be 
 swallowed up in an earthquake, or get stuck fast in a chimney, 
 you will have to be contented with simply imagining some simi- 
 lar misadventure. I should prefer, however, that you have the 
 actual fact to bear you out. Nothing so well assists the fancy, 
 as an experimental knowledge of the matter in hand. ' Truth is 
 strange,' you know, * stranger than fiction' besides being more 
 to the purpose." 
 
 Here I assured him I had an excellent pair of garters, and 
 would go and hang myself forthwith. 
 
 " Good!" he replied, "do so ; although hanging is somewhat 
 hackneyed. Perhaps you might do better. Take a dose of Bran- 
 dreth's pills, and then give us your sensations. However, my 
 instructions will apply equally well to any variety of misadven- 
 ture, and in your way home you may easily get knocked in the 
 head, or run over by an omnibus, or bitten by a mad dog, or 
 drowned in a gutter. But to proceed. 
 
 " Having determined upon your subject, you must next con- 
 sider the tone, or manner, of your narration. There is the tone 
 didactic, the tone enthusiastic, the tone natural all common- 
 place enough. But then therr is the tone laconic, or curt, which 
 Las lately come much into use. It consists in short sentences, 
 Somehow thus : Can't be too brief. Can't be too snappish. 
 Always a full stop. And never a paragraph. 
 
 "Then there is the tone elevated, diffusive, and interjectiona!. 
 Some of our best novelists patronize this tone. The wonls must
 
 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 2M 
 
 he all in a whirl, like a humming-top, and make a noise verj 
 similar, which answers remarkably well instead of meaning. 
 This is the best of all possible styles where the writer is in too 
 great a hurry to think. 
 
 " The tone metaphysical is also a good one. If you know any 
 big words this is your chance for them. Talk of the Ionic and 
 Eleatic schools of Archytas, Gorgias and Alcmaeon. Say 
 something about objectivity and subjectivity. Be sure and abuse 
 a man named Locke. Turn up your nose at things in general 
 and when you let slip anything a little too absurd, you need not 
 be at the trouble of scratching it out, but just add a foot-note, 
 and say that you are indebted for the above profound observation 
 to the ' Kritik der reinem Vernunft,' or to the ' Metaphysische 
 Anfangsyrunde der Nuturwissenschaft.' This will look erudite 
 and and and frank. 
 
 "There are various other tones of equal celebrity, but I shall men- 
 tion only two more the tone transcendental and the tone heteroge- 
 neous. In the former the merit consists in seeing into the nature 
 of affairs a very great deal farther than any body else. This 
 second sight is very efficient when properly managed. A little 
 reading of the ' Dial' will carry you a great way. Eschew, in 
 this case, big words ; get them as small as possible, and write 
 them upside down. Look over Channing's poems and quote 
 what he says about a 'fat little man with a delusive show of Can.' 
 Put in something about the Supernal Oneness. Don't say a 
 syllable about the Infernal Twoness. Above all, study inuendo. 
 Hint everything assert nothing. If you feel inclined to say 
 ' bread and butter,' do not by any means say it outright. You may 
 say anything and everything approaching to ' bread and butter.' 
 You may hint at buck-wheat cake, or you may even go so far as 
 to insinuate oat-meal porridge, but if bread and butter be your 
 real meaning, be cautious, my dear Miss Psyche, not on any ac- 
 count to say 'bread and butter !'" 
 
 I assured him that I should never say it again as long as J 
 lived. He kissed me and continued : 
 
 "As for the tone heterogeneous, it is merely a judicious mix- 
 ture, in equal proportions, of all the other tones in the world
 
 236 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 
 
 and is consequently made up of everything deep, great, odd 
 piquant, pertinent, and pretty. 
 
 " Let us suppose now you have determined upon your inci- 
 dents and tone. The most important portion in fact, the soul 
 of the whole business, is yet to be attended to I allude to the 
 filling up. It is not to be supposed that a lady, or gentleman 
 <:ither, has been leading the life of a book-worm. And yet 
 above all things it is necessary that your article have an air of 
 erudition, or at least afford evidence of extensive general read- 
 ing. Now I'll put you in the way of accomplishing this point. 
 See here !" (pulling down some three or four ordinary-looking 
 volumes, and opening them at random). " By casting your eye 
 down almost any page of any book in the world, you will be 
 able to perceive at once a host of little scraps of either learning 
 or bel-esprit-ism, which are the very thing for the spicing of a 
 Blackwood article. You might as well note down a few while 
 I read them to you. I shall make two divisions : first, Piquant 
 Facts for the Manufacture of Similes; and second, Piquant Ex- 
 pressions to be introduced as occasion may require. Write 
 now ! " and I wrote as he dictated. 
 
 " PIQUANT FACTS FOR SIMILES. ' There were originally 
 bu. three Muses Melete, Mneme, Aoede meditation, memory, 
 and singing.' You may make a great deal of that little fact if 
 properly worked. You see it is not generally known, and looks 
 recherche. You must be careful and give the thing with a down- 
 right improviso air. 
 
 " Again. ' The river Alpheus passed beneath the sea, and 
 emerged without injury to the purity of its waters.' Rather 
 stale that, to be sure, but, if properly dressed and dished up, 
 will look quite as fresh as ever. 
 
 "Here is something better. 'The Persian Iris appears to 
 some persons to possess a sweet and very powerful perfume, 
 while to others it is perfectly scentless.' Fine that, and very 
 delicate ! Turn it about a little, and it will do wonders. We'll 
 have something else in the botanical line. There's nothing 
 goes down so well, especially with the help of a little Latin, 
 Write !
 
 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD AJITICLE. 237 
 
 " ' The Epidendrum Flos Acris, of Java, bears a very beau- 
 tiful flower, and will live when pulled up by the roots. Tho 
 natives suspend it by a cord from the ceiling, and enjoy its fra- 
 grance for years.' That's capital ! That will do for the similes. 
 Now for the Piquant Expressions. 
 
 PIQUANT EXPRESSIONS. ' The venerable Chinese novel Ju* 
 Riao-Li! Good ! By introducing these few words with dex- 
 terity you will evince your intimate acquaintance with the 
 language and literature of the Chinese. With the aid of this 
 you may possibly get along without either Arabic, or Sanscrit, 
 or Chickasaw. There is no passing muster, however, without 
 Spanish, Italian, German, Latin, and Greek. I must look you 
 out a little specimen of each. Any scrap will answer, because 
 you must depend upon your own ingenuity to make it fit into 
 your article. Now write ! 
 
 " ' Aussi tendre que Zaire' as tender as Zaire French. 
 Alludes to the frequent repetition of the phrase, la tendre Zaire, 
 in the French tragedy of that name. Properly introduced, will 
 show not only your knowledge of the language, but you general 
 reading and wit. You can say, for instance, that the chicken 
 you were eating (write an article about bung choked to death 
 by a chicken-bone) was not altogether aussi tendre que Zaire. 
 
 Write 1 
 
 4 Van mncrte tan escondida, 
 
 Que no te sienta venir, 
 Porque el plazer del morir 
 No me tome a dar la vida.' 
 
 That's Spanish from Miguel de Cervantes. ' Come quickly, O 
 death ! but be sure and don't let me see you coming, lest the 
 pleasure I shall feel at your appearance should unfortunately 
 bring me back again to life.' This you may slip in quite a 
 propos when you are struggling in the last agonies with the 
 chicken-bone. Write ! 
 
 ' II forcer 'huomo che non se'n era accorto, 
 Andava combattendo, e era morto.' 
 
 That's Italian, you perceive from Ariosto. It means that a 
 great hero, in the heat of combat, not perceiving that he ha-3
 
 238 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 
 
 been fairly killed, continued to fight valiantly, dead as hs was. 
 The application of this to your own case is obvious for I trust, 
 Miss Psyche, that you will not neglect to kick for at least an 
 hour and a half after you have been choked to death by tht 
 chicken-bone. Please to write! 
 
 ' Und stcrb'ich dock, no slcrVich dcnn 
 Durch sic durch sie /' 
 
 That's German from Schiller. ' And if I die, at least I die - 
 for thee for thee !' Here it is clear that you are apostrophizing 
 the cause of your disaster, the chicken. Indeed what gentleman 
 (or lady either) of sense, wouldn't die, I should like to know, 
 for a well fattened capon of the right Molucca breed, stuffed 
 with capers and mushrooms, and served up in a salad-bowl, with 
 orange-jellies en mosaiques. Write ! (You can get them that 
 way at Tortrni's), Write, if you please ! 
 
 " Here is a nice little Latin phrase, and rare too, (one can't 
 be too recherche or brief in one's Latin, it's getting so common), 
 ignomtio elenchi. He has committed an ignor.itio el nchi 
 that is to say, he has understood the words of your proposition, 
 out not the idea. The man was a fool, you see. Some poor 
 fellow whom you address while choking with that chicken-bone, 
 and who therefore didn't precisely understand what you were 
 talking about. Throw the ignoratio elenchi in his teeth, and, at 
 once, you have him annihilated. If he dare to reply, you can 
 tell him from Lucan (here it is) that speeches are mere anemonae 
 verborum, anemone words. The anemone, with great brilliancy, 
 has no smell. Or, if he begin to bluster, you may be down upon 
 him with insomnia Jovis. reveries of Jupiter a phrase which 
 Silius Italicus (see here !) applies to thoughts pompous and in- 
 flated. This will be sure and cut him to the heart. He can do 
 nothing but roll over and die. Will you be kind enough to 
 write ? 
 
 " In Greek we must have something pretty from Demos- 
 thenes, for example. Avepo (psvyuv xai *aXiv ^cr^sa'STai. [Aner 
 o pheugon kai palin makesetai]. There is a tolerably good 
 translation of it in Hudibras 
 
 For he that flies may fight again, 
 Which he can never do that's slaia.
 
 HOW TO WRITE A BLACKWOOD ARTICLE. 2?9 
 
 In a Blackwood article nothing makes so fine a show as your 
 Greek. The very letters have an air of profundity about them. 
 Only observe, madam, the astute look of that Epsilon ! That 
 Phi ought certainly to be a bishop ! Was ever there a smarter 
 fellow than that Omicron ? Just twig that Tau ! In short, there 
 is nothing like Greek for a genuine sensation-paper. In the 
 present case your application is the most obvious thing in the 
 world. Rap out the sentence, with a huge oath, and by way 
 of ultimatum at the good-for-nothing dunder-headed villain who 
 couldn't understand your plain English in relation to the chicken- 
 bone. He'll take the hint and be off, you may depend upon it." 
 
 These were all the instructions Mr. B. could afford me upon 
 the topic in question, but I felt they would be entirely sufficient. 
 I was, at length, able to write a genuine Blackwood article, and 
 determined to do it forthwith. In taking leave of me, Mr B. 
 made a proposition for the purchase of the paper when written ; 
 but as he could offer me only fifty guineas a sheet, I thought it 
 Letter to let our society have it, than sacrifice it for so paltry a 
 Bum. Notwithstanding this niggardly spirit, however, the gentle- 
 man showed his consideration for me in all other respects, and 
 indeed treated me with the greatest civility. His parting word, 
 made a deep impression upon my heart, and I hope I shall 
 always remember them with gratitude. 
 
 " My dear Miss Zenobia," he said, while the tears stood in his 
 eyes, " is there anything else I can do to promote the success of 
 your laudable undertaking? Let me reflect! It is just possible 
 that you may not be able, so soon as convenient, to to get 
 yourself drowned, or choked with a chicken-bone, or or hung, 
 or bitten by a but stay ! Now I think me of it, there are 
 a couple of very excellent bull-dogs in the yard fine fellows, I 
 'assure you savage, and all that indeed just the thing for your 
 money they'll have you eaten up, auriculas and all, in less than 
 five minutes (here's my watch !) and then only think of the 
 sensations ! Here ! I say Tom ! Peter .' Dick, you villain ! 
 let out those" but as I was really in a great hurry, and had 
 not another moment to spare, I was reluc antly forced to expe 
 dite my depavture, and accordingly took leave at once some*
 
 40 HOW TO WRITE A MAGAZINE ARTICLE. 
 
 what more abruptly, I admit, than strict courtesy would have 
 otherwise, allowed. 
 
 It was my primary object upon quitting Mr. Blackwood, to 
 get into some immediate difficulty, pursuant to his ad\ 7 ice, and 
 with this view I spent the greater part of the day in wandering 
 about Edinburg, seeking for desperate adventures adventures 
 adequate to the intensity of my feelings, and adapted to the vast 
 character of the article I intended to write. In this excursion 
 I was attended by one negro-servant Pompey, and my little lap- 
 dog Diana, whom I had brought with me from Philadelphia. It 
 was not, however, until late in the afternoon that I fully succeeded 
 in my arduous undertaking. An important event then happened 
 of which the following Blackwood article, in the tone heteroge- 
 neous, is the substance and result.
 
 1 PREDICAMENT. 
 
 What chance, good lady, hath bereft you thus ? CoMUS. 
 
 
 
 IT was a quiet and still afternoon when I strolled forth in the 
 goodly city of Edina. The confusion and bustle in the streets 
 were terrible. Men were talking. Women wire screaming. 
 Children were choking. Pigs were whistlir.g. Carts they 
 rattled. Bulls they bellowed. Cows they lowed. Horses they 
 neighed. Cats they caterwauled. Dogs they danced. Danced! 
 Could it then be possible? Danced! Alas, thought I, my danc- 
 ing days are over ! Thus it is ever. What a host of gloomy 
 recollections will ever and anon be awakened in the mind of 
 genius and imaginative contemplation, especially of a genius 
 doomed to the everlasting, and eternal, and continual, and, as 
 one might say, the continued yes, the continued and continu- 
 ous, bitter, harassing, disturbing, and, if I may be allowed the 
 expression, the very disturbing influence of the serene, and god- 
 like, and heavenly, and. exalting, and elevated, and purifying 
 effect of what may be rightly termed the most enviable, the 
 most truly enviable nay ! the most benignly beautiful, the most 
 deliriously ethereal, and, as it were, the most pretty (if I may 
 use so bold an expression) thing (pardon me, gentle reader !) in 
 the word but I am always led away by my feelings. In such 
 a mind, I repeat, what a host of recollections are stirred up by a 
 trifle ! The dogs danced ! 1 I could not ! They frisked I 
 wept. They capered I sobbed aloud. Touching circum- 
 stances ! which cannot fail to bring to the recollection of the 
 classical reader that exquisite passage in relation to the fitness 
 of things, which is to be found in the commencement of the
 
 242 A PREDICAMENT. 
 
 third volume of that admirable and venerable Chinese novei, 
 the Jo- Go- Slow. 
 
 In my solitary walk through the city I had two humble but 
 faithful companions. Diana, my poodle ! sweetest of. creatures ! 
 She had a quantity of hair over her one eye, and a blue riband 
 tied fashionably around her neck. Diana was not more than five 
 inches in height, but her head was somewhat bigger than her body, 
 and her tail, being cut off exceedingly close, gave an air of in- 
 jured innocence to the interesting animal which rendered her a 
 favorite with all. 
 
 And Pompey, my negro ! sweet Pompey ! how shall I ever 
 forget thee ? I had taken Pompey's arm. He was three feet in 
 height (I like to be particular) and about seventy, or perhaps 
 eighty, years of age. He had bow-legs and was corpulent. His 
 mouth should not be called small, nor his ears short. His teeth, 
 however, were like pearl, and his large full eyes were deliciously 
 white. Nature had endowed him with no neck, and had placed 
 his ankles (as usual with that race) in the middle of the upper 
 portion of the feet. He was clad with a striking simplicity. 
 His sole garments were a stock of nine inches in height, and a 
 nearly-new drab overcoat which had formerly been in the service 
 of the tall, stately, and illustrious Dr. Moneypenny. It was a 
 good overcoat. It was well cut. It was well made. The coat 
 was nearly new. Pompey held it up out of the dirt with both 
 hands. 
 
 There were three persons in our party, and two of them have 
 already been the subject of remark. There was a third that 
 third person was myself. I am the Seignora Psyche Zenobia. 
 I am not Suky Snobbs. My appearance is commanding. On 
 the memorable occasion of which I speak I was habited in a 
 crimson satin dress, with a sky-blue Arabian mantelet. And 
 the dress had trimmings of green agraffas, and seven graceful 
 Hounces of the orange colored auricula. I thus formed the third 
 of the pni'ty. There was the poodle. There was Pompey. 
 There was myself. We were three. Thus it is said there wera 
 originally but three Furies Melty, Nimmy and Hetty Medi 
 tation, Memory and Fiddling. 
 
 Leaning upon the arm of the gallant Pompey, and attended
 
 A PREDICAMENT 243 
 
 at a respectful distance by Diana, I proceeded down one of the 
 populous and very pleasant streets of the now deserted Edina. 
 On a sudden, there presented itself to view a church a Gothic 
 cathedral vast, venerable, and with a tall steeple, which tower- 
 ed into the sky. What madness now possessed me? Why did I 
 rush upon my fate ? I was seized with an uncontrollable desire 
 to ascend the giddy pinnacle, and thence survey the immense 
 extent of the city. The door of the cathedral stood invitingly 
 open. My destiny prevailed. I entered the ominous archway. 
 Where then was my guardian angel ? if indeed such angels 
 there be. If! Distressing monosyllable ! what a world of 
 mystery, and meaning, and doubt, and uncertainty is there in- 
 volved in thy two letters ! I entered the ominous archway ! I 
 entered ; and, without injury to my orange-colored auriculas, I 
 passed beneath the portal, and emerged within the vestibule. 
 Thus it is said the immense river Alfred passed, unscathed, and 
 un wetted, beneath the sea. 
 
 I thought the staircases would never have an end. Round! 
 Yes, they went round and up, and round and up and round and 
 up, until I could not help surmising, with the sagacious Pompey, 
 upon whose supporting arm I leaned in all the confidence of early 
 affection I could not help surmising that the upper end of the 
 continuous spiral ladder had been accidentally, or perhaps de- 
 signedly, removed. I paused for breath; and, in the meantime, 
 an incident occurred of too momentous a nature in a moral, and 
 also in a metaphysical point of view, to be passed over without 
 notice. It appeared to me indeed I was quite confident of the, 
 fact I could not be mistaken no ! I had, for some moments, 
 carefully and anxiously observed the motions of my Diana -I 
 pay that I could not be mistaken Diana smelt a rat! At once I 
 called Pompey's attention to the subject, and he he agreed with 
 me. There was then no longer any reasonable room for doubt. 
 The rat had been smelled and by Diana. Heavens ! shall I 
 over forget the intense excitement of that moment ? Alas ! 
 what is the boasted intellect of man? The rat! it was there 
 that is to say, it was somewhere. Diana smelled the rat. I 7 
 tould not ! Thus it is said the Prussian Isis has, for some per
 
 244 A PREDICAMENT. 
 
 sons, a sweet and very powerful perfume, while to others il U 
 perfectly scentless. 
 
 The staircase had been surmounted, and there were now only 
 three or four more upward steps intervening between us and tho 
 summit. We still ascended, and now only one step remained. 
 One step ! One little, little step ! Upon one such little step in the 
 great staircase of human life how vast a sum of human happiness 
 or misery often depends ! I thought of myself, then of Pompey, 
 and then of the mysterious and inexplicable destiny which sur- 
 rounded us. I thought of Pompey ! alas, I thought of love ! I 
 thought of the many false steps which have been taken, and may 
 be taken again. I resolved to be more cautious, more reserved. 
 I abandoned the arm of Pompey, and, without his assistance, 
 surmounted the one remaining step, and gained the chamber of 
 the belfry. I was followed immediately afterwards by my poo- 
 dle. Pompey alone remained behind. I stood at the head of 
 the staircase, and encouraged him to ascend. He stretched forth 
 to me his hand, and unfortunately in so doing was forced to 
 abandon his firm hold upon the overcoat. Will the gods never 
 cease their persecution ? The overcoat it dropped, and, with one 
 of his feet, Pompey stepped upon the long and trailing skirt of 
 the overcoat. He stumbled and fell this consequence was-in- 
 evitable. He fell forwards, and, with his accursed head, striking 
 me full in the in the breast, precipitated me headlong, together 
 with himself, upon the hard, filthy and detestable floor of the 
 belfry. But my revenge was sure, sudden and complete. Seizing 
 him furiously by the wool with both hands, I tore out a vast 
 quantity of the black, and crisp, and curling material, and tossed 
 it from me with every manifestation of disdain. It fell among 
 the ropes of the belfry and remained. Pompey arose, and said 
 no word. But he regarded me piteously with his large eyes 
 and sighed. Ye gods that sigh ! It sunk into my heart. 
 And the hair the wool ! Could I have reached that wool I 
 would have bathed it with my tears, in testimony of regret. But 
 alas ! it was now far beyond my grasp. As it dangled among 
 the cordage of the bell, I fancied it still alive. I fancied that it 
 stood on end with indignation. Thus the happydandy Flos Aeris 
 :-f Java, bears, it is said, a beautiful flower, which will live wheu
 
 A PREDICAMENT. 245 
 
 pulled up by the roots. The natives suspend it by a cord from 
 the ceiling and enjoy its fragrance for years. 
 
 Our quarrel was now made up, and we looked about the room 
 for an aperture through which to survey the city of Edina. 
 Windows there were none. The sole light admitted into the 
 gloomy chamber proceeded from a square opening, about a foot 
 in diameter, at a height of about seven feet from the floor. Yet 
 what will the energy of true genius not effect ? I resolved to 
 clamber up to this hole. A vast quantity of wheels, pinions, and 
 other cabalistic looking machinery stood opposite the hole, close to 
 it : and through the hole there passed an iron rod from the ma 
 chinery. Between the wheels and the wall where the hole lay 
 there was barely room for my body yet I was desperate, and 
 determined to persevere. I called Pompey to my side. 
 
 " You perceive that aperture, Pompey. I wish to look through 
 it. You will stand here just beneath the hole so. Now, hold 
 out one of your hands, Pompey, and let me step upon it thus. 
 Now, the other hand, Porapey, and with its aid I will get upon 
 your shoulders." 
 
 He did everything I wished, and I found, upon getting up, 
 that I could easily pass my head and neck through the aperture. 
 The prospect was sublime. Nothing could be more magnificent. 
 I merely paused a moment to bid Diana behave herself, and as- 
 sure Pompey that I would be considerate and bear as lightly as 
 possible upon his shoulders. I told him I would be tender of 
 his i'eelings ossi tender que beefsteak. Having done this justice 
 to my faithful friend, I gave myself up with great zest and en- 
 thusiasm to the enjoyment of the scene which so obligingly spread 
 itself out before my eyes. 
 
 Upon this subject, however, I shall forbear to dilate. I will 
 not describe the city of Edinburgh. Every one has been to 
 Edinburgh the classic Edina. I will confine myself to the 
 momentous details of my own lamentable adventure. Having, 
 in some measure, satisfied my curiosity in regard to the extent, 
 situation, ami general appearance of the city, I had leisure to 
 survey the church in which I was, and the delicate architecture 
 of the steeple. I observed that the aperture through which I had 
 thri'*t my head was an opening in the dial-plate of a gigantic
 
 246 A PREDICAMENT. 
 
 clock, and must have appeared, from the street, as a large key 
 hole, such as we see in the face of French watches. No doubl 
 the true object was to admit the arm of an attendant, to adjust, 
 when necessary, the hands of the clock from within. I observed 
 also, with surprise, the immense size of these hands, the longest 
 of which could not have been less than ten feet in length, and. 
 where broadest, eight or nine inches in breadth. They were of 
 solid steel apparently, and their edges appeared to be sharp 
 Having noticed these particulars, and some others, I again turned 
 my eyes upon the glorious prospect below, and soon became ab 
 sorbed in contemplation. 
 
 From this, after some minutes, I was aroused by the voice of 
 Pompey, who declared he could stand it no longer, and requested 
 that I would be so kind as to come down. This was unreason- 
 able, and I told him so in a speech of some length. He replied 
 but with an evident misunderstanding of my ideas upon the sub- 
 ject. I accordingly grew angry, and told him in plain words, 
 that he was a fool, that he had committed an ignoramus e-clench- 
 eye, that his notions were mere insommary Bovis, and his words 
 little better than an ennemywerrybor'ein. With this he appeared 
 satisfied, and I resumed my contemplations. 
 
 It might have been half an hour after this altercation when, 
 a-* I was deeply absorbed in the heavenly scenery beneath me, I 
 was startled by something very cold which pressed with a gentle 
 pressure upon the back of my neck. It is needless to say that I 
 felt inexpressibly alarmed. I knew that Pompey was beneath 
 my feet, and that Diana was sitting, according to my explicit 
 directions, upon her hind legs in the farthest corner of the room. 
 What could it be ? Alas! I but too soon discovered. Turning 
 my head gently to one side, I perceived, to my extreme horror, 
 that the huge, glittering, scimetar-like minute-hand of the clock, 
 had, in the course of its hourly revolution, descended upon my 
 t^ck. There was, I knew, not a second to be lost. I pulled 
 back at once but it was too late. There was no chance of 
 forcing my head through the mouth of that terrible trap in which 
 it was so fairly caught, and which grew narrower and narrower 
 with a rapidity too horrible to be conceived. The agony of that 
 moment is not to be iinagine.d. I threw up ray hands and endea*
 
 
 A PREDICAMENT. % 247 
 
 vored, with all my strength, to force upward the ponderous iron 
 bar. I might as well have tried to lift the cathedral itself. 
 Down, down, down it came, closer and yet closer. I screamed 
 to Pompey for aid : but he said that I had hurt his feelings by 
 calling him " an ignorant old squint eye." I yelled to Diana ; 
 but she only said " bow-wow-wow," and that " I had told her on 
 no account to stir from the corner." Thus I had no relief to 
 expect from my associates. 
 
 Meantime the ponderous and terrific Scythe of Time (for I 
 now discovered the literal import of that classical phrase) had 
 not stopped, nor was it likely to stop, in its career. Down and 
 still down, it came. It had already buried its sharp edge a full 
 inch in my flesh, and my sensations grew indistinct and confused. 
 At one time I fancied myself in Philadelphia with the stately 
 Dr. Moneypenny, at another in the back parlor of Mr. Black- 
 wood receiving his invaluable instructions. And then again the 
 sweet recollection of better and earlier times came over me, 
 and I thought of that happy period when the world was not all 
 a desert, and Pompey not altogether cruel. 
 
 The ticking of the machinery amused me. Amused me, I 
 say, for my sensations now bordered upon perfect happiness, and 
 the most trifling circumstances afforded me pleasure. The eternal 
 click-clack, click-clack, click-clack, of the clock was the most 
 melodious of music in my ears, and occasionally even put me in 
 mind of the grateful sermonic harangues of Dr. Ollapod. Theii 
 there were the great figures upon the dial-plate how intelligent, 
 how intellectual, they all looked ! And presently they took to 
 dancing the Mazurka, and 1 think it was the figure V who per- 
 formed the most to my satisfaction. She was evidently a lady 
 of breeding. None of your swaggerers, and nothing at all in- 
 delicate in her motions. She did the pirouette to admiration 
 whirling round upon her apex. I made an endeavor to hand 
 her a chair, for I saw that she appeared fatigued with her ex- 
 ertions and it was not until then that I fully perceived my 
 lamentable situation. Lamentable indeed! The bar had buried 
 itself two inches in my neck. I was aroused to a sense of ex- 
 quisite pain. I prayed for death, and, in the agony of the mo-
 
 248 A PREDICAMENT. 
 
 ment, could not help repeating those exquisite verses of th<s 
 poet Miguel De Cervantes : 
 
 Vanny Buren, tan esconclida 
 Query no te senty venny 
 Pork and pleasure, delly morry 
 Nommy, torny, darry widdy ! 
 
 But now a new horror presented itself, and one indeed suffi- 
 cient to startle the strongest nerves. My eyes, from the cruel 
 pressure of the machine, were absolutely starting from their 
 sockets. While I was thinking how I should possihly manage 
 without them, one actually tumbled out of my head, and, rolling 
 down the steep side of the steeple, lodged in the rain gutter 
 which ran along the eaves of the main building. The loss of 
 the eye was not so much as the insolent air of independence and 
 contempt with which it regarded me after it was out. There it 
 lay in the gutter just under my nose, and the airs it gave itself 
 would have been ridiculous had they not been disgusting. Such 
 a winking and blinking were never before seen. This behavior 
 on the part of my eye in the gutter was not only irritating on 
 account of its manifest insolence and shameful ingratitude, but 
 was also exceedingly inconvenient on account of the sympathy 
 which always exists between two eyes of the same head, how- 
 ever far apart. I was forced, in a manner, to wink and to blink, 
 M 7 hether I would or not, in exact concert with the scoundrelly 
 thing that lay just under my nose. I was presently relieved, 
 however, by the dropping out of the other eye. In falling it took 
 the same direction (possibly a concerted plot) as its fellow. 
 Both rolled out of the gutter together, and in truth I was very 
 glad to get rid of them. 
 
 The bar was now four inches and a half deep in my neck, 
 and there was only a little bit of skin to cut through. My sen- 
 sations were those of entire happiness, for I felt that in a few 
 minutes, at farthest, I should be relieved from my disagreeable 
 situation. And in this expectation I was not at all deceived. At 
 twenty-five minutes past five in the afternoon precisely, the 
 hucje minute-hand had proceeded sufficiently far on its terrible 
 revolution to sever the small remainder of my neck. I was not 
 sorry to see the head which had occasioned me so much embar-
 
 A PREDICAMENT. 249 
 
 rassraent at length make a final separation from my body It 
 first rolled down the side of the steeple, then lodged, for a few 
 .seconds, in the gutter, and then made its way, with a plunge, 
 into the middle of the street. 
 
 I will candidly confess that my feelings were now of the most 
 singular nay, of the most mysterious, the most perplexing and 
 incomprehensible character. My senses were here and there 
 at one and the same moment. With my head I imagined, at 
 one time, that I the head, was the real Signora Psyche Zenobia 
 at another I felt convinced that myself, the body, was the 
 proper identity. To clear my ideas upon this topic I felt in my 
 pocket for my snuff-box, but, upon getting it, and endeavoring 
 to apply a pinch of its grateful contents in the ordinary manner, 
 I became immediately aware of my peculiar deficiency, and 
 threw the box at once down to my head. It took a pinch with 
 great satisfaction, and smiled me an acknowledgment in return. 
 Shortly afterwards it made me a speech, which I could hear but 
 indistinctly without ears. I gathered enough, however, to know 
 that it was astonished at my wishing to remain alive under such 
 circumstances. In the concluding sentences it quoted the noble 
 words of Ariosto 
 
 72 paver hommy die non sera corty 
 And have a combat tenty erry morty ; 
 
 thus comparing me to the hero who, in the heat of the combat, 
 not perceiving that he was dead, continued to contest the battle 
 with inextinguishable valor. There was nothing now to prevent 
 my getting down from my elevation, and I did so. What it was 
 that Pompey saw so very peculiar in my appearance I have 
 never yet been able to find out. The fellow opened his mouth 
 from ear to ear, and shut his two eyes as if he were endeavor- 
 ing to crack nuts between the lids. Finally, throwing off his 
 overcoat, he made one spring for the staircase and disappeared. 
 I hurled after the scoundrel those vehement words of Demos 
 thenes 
 
 Andrew 0' ' Phlegethon, you really make haste (ofly, 
 
 and then turned to the darling of my heart, to the one-eyed! 
 the shaggy- haired Diana. A1&;! what a horrible vision affront
 
 250 A PREDICAMENT. 
 
 ed my eyes ? Was that a rat I saw skulking into his hole? Are 
 these the picked bones of the little angel who has been cruelly 
 devoured by the monster ? Ye Gods ! and what do I behold 
 is that the departed spirit, the shade, the ghost of my beloved 
 puppy, which I perceive sitting with a grace so melancholy, in 
 the corner ? Harken ! for she speaks, and, heavens ! it is in the 
 German of Schiller 
 
 " Unt stubby duk, so stubby dun 
 Duk she ! duk she !" 
 
 Alas ! and are not her words too true ? 
 
 And if I died at least I died 
 For thee for thee. 
 
 Sweet creature! she too has sacrificed herself in my behalf. 
 Dogless, niggerless, headless, what now remains for the unhappy 
 Signora Psyche Zenobia ? Alas nothing ! I have done.
 
 MYSTIFICATION. 
 
 9/id, if these be your " passados" aud "montames,' ! I'll have none of them. 
 
 NED KNOWI/KC. 
 
 THE Baron Ritzner von Jung was of a noble Hungarian 
 family, every member of which (at least as far back into anti- 
 quity as any certain records extend) was more or less remark 
 able for talent of some description the majority for that species 
 of grotesquerie in conception of which Tieck, a scion of the house, 
 has given some vivid, although by no means the most vivid ex- 
 emplifications. My acquaintance with Ritzner commenced at the 
 magnificent Chateau Jung, into which a train of droll adventures, 
 not to be made public, threw me during the summer months of 
 the year 18 . Here it was I obtained a place in his regard, 
 and here, with somewhat more difficulty, a partial insight into 
 his mental conformation. In later days this insight grew more 
 clear, as the intimacy which had at first permitted it became 
 more close ; and when, after three years separation, we met ai 
 G n, I knew all that it was necessary to know of the charac- 
 ter of the Baron Ritzner Von Jung. 
 
 I remember the buzz of curiosity which his advent excited 
 within the college precincts on the night of the twenty-fifth of 
 June. I remember still more distinctly, that while he was pro- 
 nounced by all parties at first sight "the most remarkable man 
 in the world," no person made any attempt at accounting for this 
 opinion. That he was unique appeared so undeniable, that it was 
 deemed impertinent to inquire wherein the uniquity consisted- 
 But, letting this matter pass for the present, I will mei*ely ob- 
 serve that, from the first moment of his setting foot within the 
 limits of the university, he began to exercise over the habits, man-
 
 252 MYSTIFICAT ON. 
 
 
 
 ners, persons, purses, and propensities of the whole community 
 which surrounded him, an influence the most extensive and des- 
 potic, yet at the same time the most indefinitive and altogether 
 unaccountable. Thus the brief period of his residence at the 
 university forms an era in its annals, and is characterized by all 
 classes of people appertaining to it or its dependencies as " that 
 very extraordinary epoch forming the domination of the Baron 
 Ritzner Von Jung." 
 
 Upon his advent to G n, he sought me out in my apart- 
 ments. He was then of no particular age, by which I mean that 
 it was impossible to form a guess respecting his age by any data 
 personally afforded. He might have been fifteen or fifty, and 
 was twenty-one years and seven months. He was by no means 
 a handsome man perhaps the reverse. The contour of his face 
 was somewhat angular and harsh. His forehead was lofty and 
 very fair ; his nose a snub ; his eyes large, heavy, glassy and 
 meaningless. About the mouth there was more to be observed. 
 The lips were gently protruded, and rested the one upon the 
 other after such fashion that it is impossible to conceive any, 
 even the most complex, combination of human features, convey- 
 ing so entirely, and so singly, the idea of unmitigated gravity, 
 solemnity and repose. 
 
 It will be perceived, no doubt, from what I have already said, 
 that the Baron was one of those human anomalies now and then 
 to be found, who make the science of mystification the study and 
 the business of their lives. For this science a peculiar turn of 
 mind gave him instinctively the cue, while his physical appear- 
 ance afforded him unusual facilities for carrying his projects into 
 
 effect. I firmly believe that no student at G j n, during that 
 
 renowned epoch so quaintly termed the domination of the Baron 
 Ritzner Von Jung, ever rightly entered into the mystery which 
 overshadowed his character. I truly think that no person at tho 
 university, with the exception of myself, ever suspected him to 
 be capable of a joke, verbal or practical : the old bull-dog at the 
 "nrden-fate would sooner have been accused, the ghost of 
 
 O c5 *-J 
 
 Heraclitus, or the wig of the Emeritus Professor of Theology. 
 This, too, when it was evident that the most egregious and un- 
 pardonable of all conceivable tricks, whimsicalities and buffoon
 
 M rSTIFf CATION. 253 
 
 cries wer^ brought about, if not directly by him, at least plainly 
 through his intermediate agency or connivance. The beauty, if 
 I may so call it, of his art mystifique, lay in that consummate 
 ability (resulting from an almost intuitive knowledge of human 
 nature, and a most wonderful self-possession,) by means of which 
 he never failed to make it appear that the drolleries he was oc- 
 cupied in bringing to a point, arose partly in spite, and partly in 
 consequence of the laudable efforts he was making for their pre- 
 vention, and for the preservation of the good order and dignity 
 of Alma Mater. The deep, the poignant, the overwhelming 
 mortification, which upon each such failure of his praiseworthy 
 endeavors, would suffuse every lineament of his countenance, left 
 not the slightest room for doubt of his sincerity in the bosoms of 
 even his most skeptical companions. The adroitness, too, was no 
 less worthy of observation by which he contrived to shift the 
 sense of the grotesque from the creator to the created from his 
 own person to the absurdities to which he had given rise. In 
 no instance before that of which I speak, have I known the ha- 
 bitual mystific escape the natural consequence of his ma- 
 noeuvres an attachment of the ludicrous to his own character 
 and person. Continually enveloped in an atmosphere of whim, 
 my friend appeared to live only for the severities of society ; and 
 not even his own household have for a moment associated other 
 ideas than those of the rigid and august with the memory of the 
 Baron Ritzner Von Jung. 
 
 During the epoch of his residence at G n it really ap- 
 peared that the demon of the dolce fur niente lay like an incubus 
 upon the university. Nothing at least, was done, beyond eating 
 and drinking, and making merry. The apartments of the stu 
 dents were converted into so many pot-houses, and there was no 
 pot-house of them all more famous or more frequented than that 
 of the Baron. Our carousals here were many, and boisterous, 
 and long, and never unfruitful of events. 
 
 Upon one occasion we had protracted our sitting until nearly 
 daybreak, and an unusual quantity of wine had been drunk. 
 The company consisted of seven or eight individuals besides the 
 Baron and myself. Most of these were young men of wealth, of 
 high connection, of great family pride, and all alive with an
 
 254 MYSTIFICATION 
 
 exaggerated sense ot honor. They abounded in the most ultra 
 German opinions respecting the duello. To these Quixotic 
 notions some recent Parisian publications, backed by three or 
 
 four desperate, and fatal rencontres at G n, had given new 
 
 vigor and impulse ; and thus the conversation, during the greater 
 part of the night, had run wild upon the all-engrossing topic of 
 the times. The Baron, who had been unusually silent and ab- 
 stracted in the earlier portion of the evening, at length seemed 
 to be aroused from his apathy, took a leading part in the dis- 
 course, and dwelt upon the benefits, and more especially upon 
 the beauties, of the received code of etiquette in passages of arms 
 with an ardor, an eloquence, an impressiveness, and an affection- 
 ateness of manner, which elicited the warmest enthusiasm from 
 his hearers in general, and absolutely staggered even myself, who 
 well knew him to be at heart a ridiculer of those very points for 
 which he contended, and especially to hold the entire fanfaronade 
 of dueling etiquette in the sovereign contempt which it deserves. 
 Looking around me during a pause in the Baron's discourse, 
 (of which my readers may gather some faint idea when I say 
 that it bore resemblance to the fervid, chanting, monotonous, yet 
 musical, sermonic manner of Coleridge,) I perceived symptoms of 
 even more than the general interest in the countenance of one of the 
 party. This gentleman, whom I shall call Hermann, was an 
 original in every respect except, perhaps, in the single particu 
 lar that he was a very great fool. He contrived to bear, however, 
 among a particular set at the university, a reputation for deep 
 metaphysical thinking, and, I believe, for some logical talent. As 
 
 a duelist he had acquired great renown, even at G n. I 
 
 forget the precise number of victims who had fallen at his hands ; 
 but they were many. He was a man of courage undoubtedly 
 But it was upon his minute acquaintance with the etiquette of 
 the duetto, and the nicety of his sense of honor, that he most espe- 
 cially prided himself. These things were a hobby which he rode 
 to the death. To Ritzner, ever upon the look-out for the gro- 
 tesque, his peculiarities had for a long time past afforded food foi' 
 mystification. Of this, however, I was not aware ; although, in 
 the present instance, I saw clearly that something of a whimsical
 
 MYSTIFICATION. 255 
 
 nature was upon the tapis with my friend, and that Hermann 
 was its especial object. 
 
 As the former proceeded in his discourse, or rather monologue. 
 I perceived the excitement of the latter momently increasing. 
 At length he spoke ; offering some objection to a point insisted 
 upon by R., and giving his reasons in detail. To these the 
 Baron replied at length (still maintaining his exaggerated tone 
 of sentiment) and concluding, in what I thought very bad taste, 
 with a sarcasm and a sneer. The hobby of Hermann now took 
 the bit in his teeth. This I could discern by the studied hair- 
 splitting farrago of his rejoinder. His last words I distinctly 
 remember. " Your opinions, allow me to say, Baron Von Jung, 
 although in the main correct, are, in many nice points, discredit- 
 able to yourself and to the university of which you are a mem- 
 ber. In a few respects they are even unworthy of serious refu- 
 tation. I would say more than this, sir, were it not for the fear 
 of giving you offence (here the speaker smiled blandly,) I would 
 say, sir, that your opinions are not the opinions to be expected 
 from a gentleman." 
 
 As Hermann completed this equivocal sentence, all eyes were 
 turned upon the Baron. He became pale, then excessively red ; 
 then, dropping his pocket-handkerchief, stooped to recover it, 
 when I caught a glimpse of his countenance, while it could be 
 seen by no one else at the table. It was radiant with the quiz- 
 zical expression which was its natural character, but which I 
 had never seen it assume except when we were alone together, 
 and when he unbent himself freely. In an instant afterward he 
 stood erect, confronting Hermann ; and so total an alteration of 
 countenance in so short a period I certainly never saw before. 
 For a moment I even fancied that I had misconceived him, and that 
 he was in sober earnest. He appeared to be stifling with pas 
 sion, and his face was cadaverously white. For a short time he 
 remained silent, apparently striving to master his emotion. 
 Having at length seemingly succeeded, he reached a decanter 
 which stood near him, saying as he held it firmly clenched 
 "The language you have thought proper to employ, Mynheer 
 Hermann, in addressing yourself to me, is objectionable in so many 
 particulars, (hat I hav 3 neither temper nor time for specifica-
 
 256 MYSTIFICATION. 
 
 tion. That my opinions, however, are not the opinions to be 
 expected from a gentleman, is an observation so directly 
 offensive as to allow me but one line of conduct. Some courtesy, 
 nevertheless, is due to the presence of this company, and to 
 yourself, at this moment, as my guest. You will pardon me, 
 therefore, if, upon this consideration, I deviate slightly from the 
 general usage among gentlemen in similar cases of personal af- 
 front. You will forgive me for the moderate tax I shall make 
 upon your imagination, and endeavor to consider, for an instant, 
 the reflection of your person in yonder mirror as the living Myn- 
 heer Hermann himself. This being done, there will be no diffi- 
 culty whatever. I shall discharge this decanter of wine at your 
 image in yonder mirror, and thus fulfil all the spirit, if not the 
 exact letter, of resentment for your insult, while the necessity of 
 physical violence to your real person will be obviated." 
 
 With these woi'ds he hurled the decanter, full of wine, against 
 the mirror Avhich hung directly opposite Hermann ; striking the 
 reflection of his person with great precision, and of course shat- 
 tering the glass into fragments. The whole company at once 
 started to their feet, and, with the exception of myself and Ritz- 
 ner, took their departure. As Hermann went out, the Baron 
 whispered me that I should follow him and make an offer of my 
 Cervices. To this I agreed ; not knowing precisely what to make 
 of so ridiculous a piece of business. 
 
 The duelist accepted my aid with his stiff and ultra recherche 
 air, and, taking my arm, led me to his apartment. I could hardly 
 forbear laughing in his face while he proceeded to discuss, with 
 the profoundest gravity, what he termed " the refinedly peculiar 
 character" of the insult he had received. After a tiresome 
 harangue in his ordinary style, he took down from his book- 
 shelves a number of musty volumes on the subject of the duello, 
 and entertained me for a long time with their contents ; reading 
 aloud, and commenting earnestly as he read. I can just remem- 
 ber the titles of some of the works. There were the " Ordon- 
 nance of Philip le Bel on Single Combat ;" the " Theatre of 
 Honor," by Favyn, and a treatise " On the Permission of Duels," 
 by Andiguier. He displayed, also, with much pomposity, Bran- 
 tome's "Memoirs of Duels," published at Cologne, iu 1GG'5, in
 
 MYSTIFICATION. 
 
 257 
 
 the types of Elzevir a precious and unique vellum-paper 
 volume, with a fine margin, and bound by Derome. But he re 
 quested my attention particularly, and with an air of mysteriou? 
 sagacity, to a thick octavo, written in barbarous Latin by one 
 Hedelin, a Frenchman, and having the quaint title, " Duelli Lex 
 Scripta, et non ; aliterque" From this he read me one of the 
 drollest chapters in the world concerning " Injuries per applica- 
 tionem, per constructionem, et per se," about half of which, he 
 averred, was strictly applicable to his own " refinedly peculiar" 
 case, although not one syllable of the whole matter could I un- 
 derstand for the life of me. Having finished the chapter, he 
 closed the book, and demanded what I thought necessary to be 
 done. I replied that I had entire confidence in his superior deli- 
 cacy of feeling, and would abide by what he proposed. With 
 this answer he seemed flattered, and sat down to write a note to 
 the Baron. It ran thus : 
 
 SIR, My friend, M. P , will hand you this note. I find 
 
 it incumbent upon me to request, at your earliest convenience, an 
 explanation of this evening's occurrences at your chambers. In 
 the event of your declining this request, Mr. P. will be happy to 
 arrange, with any friend whom you may appoint, the steps pre- 
 liminary to a meeting. 
 
 With sentiments of perfect respect, 
 
 Your most humble servant, 
 
 JOHAN HERMANN. 
 To ike Baron Rilzner Von Jung, 
 August 18th, 18. 
 
 Not knowing what better to do, I called upon Ritzner with 
 tliis epistle. He bowed as I presented it ; then, with a grave 
 countenance, motioned me to a seat. Having perused the cartel 
 he wrote the following reply, which I carried to Hermann. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 Through our common friend, Mr. P., I have received your 
 note of this evening. Upon due reflection I frankly admit the 
 propriety of the explanation you suggest. This being admitted, 
 I still find great difficulty, (owing to the refinedly peculiar nature
 
 2 58 MYSTIFICATION. 
 
 of our disagreement, and of the personal affront offered on my 
 part,) in so wording what I have to say by way of apology, as to 
 meet all the minute exigencies, and all the variable shadows of 
 the case. I have great reliance, however, on that extreme deli- 
 cacy of discrimination, in matters appertaining to the rules of 
 etiquette, for which you have been so long and so pre-eminently 
 distinguished. With perfect certainty, therefore, of being com- 
 prehended, I beg leave, in lieu of offering any sentiments of my 
 own. to refer you to the opinions of the Sieur Hedelin, as set 
 forth in the ninth paragraph of the chapter of " Injuria per ap- 
 plicationem, per constructionem, et per se" in his " Duelli Lex 
 scripta, et non ; aliterque" The nicety of your discernment in all 
 the matters here treated, will be sufficient, I am assured, to con- 
 vince you that the mere circumstance of me referring you to this 
 admirable passage, ought to satisfy your request, as a man of 
 honor, for explanation. 
 
 With sentiments of profound respect, 
 
 Your most obedient servant, 
 
 VON JCNS. 
 
 The Herr Johan Hermann. 
 August 18th, 18 . 
 
 Hermann commenced the perusal of this epistle with a scowl, 
 which, however, was converted into a smile of the most ludicrous 
 self-complacency as he came to the rigmarole about Injuries per 
 applicationem, per constructionem, et per se. Having finished 
 reading, he begged me, with the blandest of all possible smiles, 
 to be seated, while he made reference to the treatise in question. 
 Turning to the passage specified, he read it with great care to 
 himself, then closed the book, and desired me, in my character 
 of confidential acquaintance, to express to the Baron Von Jung 
 his exalted sense of his chivalrous behavior, and, in that of 
 second, to assure him that the explanation offered was of the 
 fullest, the most honorable, and the most unequivocally satisfac 
 lory nature. 
 
 Somewhat amazed at all this, I made my retreat to the Baron- 
 He seemed to receive Hermann's amicable letter as a matter of 
 course, and after a few words of general conversation, went to
 
 MYSTIFICATION. 359 
 
 an inner room and brought out the everlasting treatise " DueUi 
 Lex scripta, et nan ; aliterque." He handed me the volume and 
 asked me to look over some portion of it. I did so, but to little 
 purpose, not being able to gather the least particle of meaning. 
 He then took the book himself, and read me a chapter aloud. 
 To my surprise, what he read proved to be a most horribly ab- 
 surd account of a duel between two baboons. He now explained 
 the mystery ; showing that the volume, as it appeared prima fa- 
 cie, was written upon the plan of the nonsense verses of Du 
 Bartas ; that is to say, the language was ingeniously framed so 
 as to present to the ear all the outward signs of intelligibility, 
 and even of profundity, while in fact not a shadow of meaning 
 existed. The key to the whole was found in leaving out every 
 second and third word alternately, when there appeared a series 
 of ludicrous quizzes upon a single combat as practised in modern 
 times. 
 
 The Baron afterwards informed me that he had purposely 
 thrown the treatise in Hermann's way two or three weeks before 
 the adventure, and that he was satisfied, from the general tenor 
 of his conversation, that he had studied it with the deepest atten- 
 tion, and firmly believed it to be a work of unusual merit. Upon 
 this hint he proceeded. Hermann would have died a thousand 
 deaths rather than acknowledge his inability to understand any 
 tning and everything in the universe that had ever been written 
 hbout the duello.
 
 X-ING A PABAGRAB. 
 
 As it is well known that the " wise men" came " from the East, 
 and as Mr. Touch-and-go Bullet-head caine from the East, it 
 follows that Mr. Bullet-head was a wise man ; and if collateral 
 proof of the matter be needed, here we have it Mr. B. was an 
 editor. Irascibility was his sole foible ; for in fact the obstinacy 
 of which men accused him was anything but his foible, since he 
 justly considered it his forte. It was his strong point his vir- 
 tue ; and it would have required all the logic of a Brownson to 
 convince him that it was " anything else." 
 
 I have shown that Touch-and-go Bullet-Head was a wise 
 man ; and the only occasion on which he did not prove infalli- 
 ble, was when, abandoning that legitimate home for all wise men, 
 the East, he migrated to the city of Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, 
 or some place of a similar title, out West. 
 
 I must do him the justice to say, however, that when he made 
 up his mind finally to settle in that town, it was under the im- 
 pression that no newspaper, and consequently no editor, existed 
 in that particular section of the country. In establishing " The 
 Tea-Pot," he expected to have the field all to himself. I feel 
 confident he never would have dreamed of taking up his resi- 
 dence in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, had he been aware that, 
 in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, there lived a gentleman named 
 John Smith (if I rightly remember), who, for many years, had 
 there quietly grown fat in editing and-publishing the " Alexan- 
 der-the-Great-o-nopolis Gazette." It was solely, therefore, on 
 account of having been misinformed, that Mr. Bullet-head found
 
 X-ilS'G A PARAGKAB. 
 
 2G1 
 
 himself in Alex suppose we call it Nopolis, "for short" but, 
 
 as he did liad himself there, he determined to keep up his charac- 
 tei for obst for firmness, and remain. So remain he did ; and 
 he did more ; he unpacked his press, type, etc., etc., rented an 
 office exactly opposite to that of the " Gazette," and, on the third 
 morning after his arrival, issued the first number of " The 
 Alexan" that is to say, of " The Nopolis Tea-Pot :" as nearly 
 as I can recollect, this was the name of the new paper. 
 
 The leading article, I must admit, was brilliant not to say 
 severe. It was especially bitter about things in general and as 
 for the editor of " The Gazette," he was torn all to pieces in 
 particular. Some of Bullet-head's remarks were really so fiery 
 that I have always, since that time, been forced to look upon 
 John Smith, who is still alive, in the light of a salamander. I 
 annot pretend to give all the Tea-pot's paragraphs verbatim, but 
 one of them run thus : 
 
 " Oh, yes ! Oh we perceive ! Oh, no doubt ! The editor 
 over the way is a genius O, my! Oh, goodness, gracious! 
 what is this world coming to? Oh, tempora ! Oh, Moses!" 
 
 A. philippic at once so caustic and so classical, alighted like a 
 bombshell among the hitherto peaceful citizens of Nopolis. 
 Groups of excited individuals gathered at the corners of the 
 streets. Every one awaited, with heartfelt anxiety, the reply of 
 the dignified Smith. Next morning it appeared, as follows : 
 
 " "VVe quote from ' The Tea-Pot' of yesterday the subjoined 
 paragraph : Oh, yes ! Oh, we perceive ! Oh, no doubt ! Oh., 
 my ! Oh, goodness ! Oh, tempora ! Oh, Moses !' Why, the 
 fellow is all O ! That accounts for his reasoning in a circle, and 
 explains why there is neither beginning nor end to him, nor to 
 anything that he says. We really do not believe the vagabond 
 can write a word that hasn't an O in it. Wonder if this 0-ing is 
 a habit of his ? By-the-by, he came away from Down-East in a 
 great hurry. Wonder if he O's as much there as he does here ? 
 0/ it is pitiful.'" 
 
 The indignation of Mr. Bullet-head at these scandalous insin- 
 uations, I shall not attempt to describe. On the eel-skinning 
 principle, however, he did not seem to be so much incensed at 
 tho attack upon his integrity as one might have imagined. It
 
 262 X-ING A PARAGRAB. 
 
 was the sneer at his style that drove him to desperation. What ' 
 he Touch-and-go-Bullet-head ! not able to write a word without 
 an in it ! He would soon let the jackanapes see that he was 
 mistaken. Yes ! he would let him see how much he was mista- 
 ken, the puppy ! He, Touch-and-go Bullet-head, of Frogpondi- 
 um, would let Mr. John Smith perceive that he, Bullet-head, 
 could indite, if it so pleased him, a whole paragraph ay ! a 
 whole article in which that contemptible vowel should not 
 once not even once make its appearance. But no ; that would 
 be yielding a point to the said John Smith. He, Bullet-head, 
 would make no alteration in his style, to suit the caprices of any 
 Mr. Smith in Christendom. Perish so vile a thought ! The O 
 forever ! He would persist in the O. He would be as O-wy as 
 O-wy could be. 
 
 Burning with the chivalry of this determination, the great 
 Touch-and-go, in the next u Tea-Pot," came out merely with this 
 simple but resolute paragraph, in reference to this unhappy 
 affair : 
 
 " The editor of the ' Tea-Pot' has the honor of advising the 
 editor of ' The Gazette' that he, (the ' Tea-Pot,'J will take an 
 opportunity in to-morrow morning's paper, of convincing him, 
 (the ' Gazette,') that he, (the ' Tea-Pot,') both can and will be 
 his own master, as regards style ; he (the ' Tea-pot') intending 
 to show him, (the ' Gazette,') the supreme, and indeed the 
 withering contempt with which the criticism of him, (the ' Ga- 
 zette,') inspires the independent bosom of him, (the ' Tea-Pot,') 
 by composing for the especial gratification (?) of him, (the 
 ' Gazette,') a leading article, of some extent, in which the beau- 
 tiful vowel the emblem of Eternity yet so inoffensive to the 
 hyper-exquisite delicacy of him, (the ' Gazette,') shall most eei 
 tainly not be avoided by his (the ' Gazette's') most obedient, 
 humble servant, the ' Tea-pot.' ' So much for Buckingham ! ' * 
 
 In fulfilment of the awful threat thus darkly intimated rather 
 than decidedly enunciated, the great Bullet-head, turning a deaf 
 ear to all entreaties for " copy," and simply requesting his fore- 
 man to " go to the d- 1," when he (the foreman) assured him 
 
 (the " Tea-pot !") that it was high time to " go to press :" turning a 
 deaf ear to everything, I say, the great Bullet-head sat up until
 
 X-ING A PARAGRAB. 263 
 
 day-break, consuming the midnight oil, and absorbed in the com- 
 position of the really unparalleled paragraph, which follows : 
 
 " So ho, John ! how now ? Told you so, you know. Don't 
 crow, another time, before you're out of the woods ! Does you! 
 mother know you're out ? Oh, no, no ! so go home at once, now, 
 John, to your odious old woods of Concord ! Go home to your 
 woods, old owl, go ! You wont ? Oh, poh, poh, John, don't do 
 so ! You've got to go, you know ! So go at once, and don't go 
 slow ; for nobody owns you here, you know. Oh, John, John, if 
 you don't go you're no homo no ! You're only a fowl, an owl ; 
 a cow, a sow ; a doll, a poll ; a poor, old, good-for-nothing-to- 
 nobody, log, dog, hog, or frog, come out of a Concord bog. Cool, 
 now cool ! Do be cool, you fool ! None of your crowing, old 
 cock ! Don't frown so don't ! Don't hollo, nor howl, nor 
 growl, nor bow- wow- wow ! Good Lord, John, how you do look ! 
 Told you so, you know but stop rolling your goose of an old 
 poll about so, and go and drown your sorrows in a bowl!" 
 
 Exhausted, very naturally, by so stupendous an effort, the 
 great Touch-and-go could attend to nothing farther that night. 
 Firmly, composedly, yet with an air of conscious power, he 
 handed his MS. to the devil in waiting, and then, walking leisure 
 ly home, retired, with ineffable dignity, to bed. 
 
 Meantime the devil to whom the copy was entrusted, ran up 
 stairs to his " case," in an unutterable hurry, and forthwith made 
 a commencement at " setting" the MS. " up." 
 
 In the first place, of course, as the opening word was " So" 
 he made a plunge into the capital S hole and came out in tri- 
 umph with a capital S. Elated by this success, he immediately 
 threw himself upon the little-o box with a blindfold impetuosi- 
 ty but who shall describe his horror when his fingers came up 
 without the anticipated letter in their clutch ? who shall paint his 
 astonishment and rage at perceiving, as he rubbed his knuckles, 
 that he had been only thumping them to no purpose, against the 
 bottom of an empty box. Not a single little-o was in the little-o 
 hole ; and, glancing fearfully at the capital-O partition, he found 
 that, to his extreme terror, in a precisely similar predicament 
 Awe-stricken, his first impulse was to rush to the foreman. 
 
 " Sir !" said he, gasping for breath, " I can't never set up noth- 
 ing without no o's. "
 
 264 X-INU A PARAGRAB. 
 
 " What do you mean by that ?" growled the foreman, who was 
 in a very ill-humor at being kept up so late. 
 
 " Why, sir, there beant an o in the office, neither a big un noi 
 A little un !" 
 
 " What what the d 1 has become of all that were in the 
 case ?" 
 
 " /don't know, sir," said the boy, " but one of them ere G'zette 
 devils is bin prowling bout here all night, and I spect he's gone 
 and cabbaged em every one." 
 
 " Dod rot him ! I haven't a doubt of it," replied the foreman, 
 getting purple wi f h rage " but I tell you what you do, Bob, that's 
 a good boy you go over the first chance you get and hook every 
 one of their i's and (d n them !) their izzards." 
 
 " Jist so," replied Bob, with a wink and a frown " I'll be into 
 em, I'll let em know a thing or two ; but in de meantime, that 
 ere paragrab ? Mus go in to-night, you know else there'll be 
 the d 1 to pay, and " 
 
 " And not a bit of pitch hot," interrupted the foreman, with a 
 deep sigh and an emphasis on the " bit." " Is it a very long para- 
 graph, Bob ?" 
 
 " Shouldn't call it a wery long paragrab," said Bob. 
 
 " Ah, well, then ! do the best you can with it ! we must get to 
 press," said the foreman, who was over head and ears in work; 
 "just stick in some other letter for 0, nobody's going to read the 
 fellow's trash, any how." 
 
 " Wery well," replied Bob, " here goes it !" and off he hurried to 
 his case ; muttering as he went '' Considdeble veil, them ere 
 expressions, perticcler for a man as doesen't swar. So I's to 
 
 gouge out all their eyes, eh ? and d n all their gizzards ! 
 
 Veil! this here's the chap as is jist able for to do it." The fact 
 is, that although Bob was but twelve years old and four feet 
 high, he was equal to any amount of figfct, in a small way. 
 
 The exigency here described is by no means of rare occur- 
 rence in printing-offices ; and I cannot tell how to account for it, 
 but the fact is indisputable, that when the exigency does occur, it 
 almost always happens that x is adopted as a substitute for the 
 letter deficient. The true reason, perhaps, is that x is rather the 
 most superabundant letter in the cases, or at least was so in old
 
 X-INO A PARAGRAB. 265 
 
 times- long enough to render the substitution in question au 
 habitual thing with printers. As for Bob, he would have con- 
 sidered it heretical to employ any other character, in a case of 
 this kind, than the x to which he had been accustomed. 
 
 " I shell have to x this ere paragrab," said he to himself, as he read 
 it over in astonishment, " but it's jest about the awfulest o-wy 
 paragrab I ever did see :" so x it he did, unflinchingly, and to 
 press it went x-ed. 
 
 Next morning the population of Nopolis were taken all aback 
 by reading, in " The Tea-pot," the following extraordinary 
 leader : 
 
 " Sx hx, Jxhn ! hxw nxw ! Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw. Dxn't 
 crxw, anxther time, befxre yxu're xut xf the wxxds! Dxes 
 yxur mxther knxw yxu're xut ? Xh, nx, nx ! sx gx hxme at 
 xnce, nxw, Jxhn, tx yxur xdixus xld wxxds xf Cxncxrd ! Gx 
 hxme tx yxur wxxds, xld xwl, gx ! Yxu wxnt ? Xh, pxh, 
 pxh, Jxhn, dxnt dx sx ! Yxu've gxt tx gx, yxu knxw ! sx gx at 
 xnce, and dxn't gx slxw ; fxr nxbxdy xwns yxu here, yxu knxw. 
 Xh, Jxhn, Jxhn, if yxu dxn't gx yxu're nx hxmx nx ! Yxu're 
 xnly a fxwl, an xwl ; a cxw, a sxw ; a dxll, a pxli ; a pxxr xld 
 gxxd-fxr-nxthing-tx-nxbxdy Ixg, dxg, hxg, xr frxg, cxme xut xf 
 a Cxncxrd bxg. Cxxl, nxw cxxl ! Dx be cxxl, yxu fxxl ! 
 Nxne xf yxur crxwing, xld cxck ! Dxn't frxwn sx dxn't ! 
 Dxn't hxllx, nxr hxwl, nxr grxwl, nxr bxw-wxw-wxw ! Gxxd 
 Lxrd, Jxhn, hxw yxu dx Ixxk ! Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw, but 
 stxp rxlling yxur gxxse xf an xld pxll abxut sx, and gx and 
 drxwn yxur sxrrxws in a bxwl !" 
 
 The uproar occasioned by this mystical and cabalisfical article, 
 is not to be conceived. The first definite idea entertained by the 
 populace was, that some diabolical treason lay concealed in the 
 hieroglyphics ; and there was a general rush to Bullet-head's 
 residence, for the purpose of riding him on a rail ; but that gen- 
 tleman was nowhere to be found. He had vanished, no one 
 could tell how ; and not even the ghost of him has ever been seen 
 since. 
 
 Unable to discover its legitimate object, the popular fury at 
 length subsided ; leaving behind it, by way of sediment, quite a 
 medley of opinion about this unhappy affair.
 
 266 X-ING A PARAGRAB. 
 
 One gentleman thought the whole an X-ellent joke. 
 
 Another said that, indeed, Bullet-head had shown much X-ube 
 ranee of faney. 
 
 A third admitted him X-entric, but no more. 
 
 A fourth could only suppose it the Yankee's design to X-press, 
 in a general way, his X-asperation. 
 
 " Say, rather, to set an X-ample to posterity," suggested a 
 fifth. 
 
 That Bullet-head had been driven to an extremity, was clear 
 to all ; and in fact, since that editor could not be found, there was 
 some talk about lynching the other one. 
 
 The more common conclusion, however, was, that the affaii 
 was, simply, X-traordinary and in-X-plicable. Even the town 
 mathematician confessed that he could make nothing of so dark 
 a problem. X, everybody knew, was tun unknown quantity ; but 
 in this case (as he properly observed), there was an unknown 
 quantity of X. 
 
 The opinion of Bob, the devil (who kept dark " about his 
 having X-ed the paragrab"), did not meet with so much atten- 
 tion as I think it deserved, although it was very openly and very 
 fearlessly expressed. He said that, for his part, he had no doubt 
 about the matter at all, that it was a clear case, that Mr. Bullet- 
 head never could be persvaded fur to drink like other folks, but 
 vas continually a-svigging o' that ere blessed XXX ale, and, as 
 a naiteral consekvence, it just puffed him up savage, and made 
 him X (cross) in the X-treme.'
 
 DIDDLING 
 
 CONSIDERED AS ONE OF THE EXACT SCIENCES. 
 
 Hey, diddle diddle, 
 The cat and the fiddle. 
 
 SINCK the world began there have been two Jeremys. The 
 one wrote a Jeremiad about usury, and was called Jeremy Ben 
 tliam. He has been much admired by Mr. John Neal, and was 
 a great man in a small way. The other gave name to the most 
 important of the Exact Sciences, and was a great man in a great 
 way I may say, indeed, in the very greatest of ways. 
 
 Diddling or the abstract idea conveyed by the verb to diddle 
 is sufficiently well understood. Yet the fact, the deed, the thing 
 diddling, is somewhat difficult to define. We may get, however, 
 at a tolerably distinct conception of the matter in hand, by de- 
 fining not the thing, diddling, in itself but man, as an animal 
 that diddles. Had Plato but hit upon this, he would have been 
 spared the affront of the picked chicken. 
 
 Very pertinently it was demanded of Plato, why a picked 
 chicken, which was clearly a " biped without feathers," was not, 
 according to his own definition, a man ? But I am not to be 
 bothered by any similar query. Man is an animal that diddles, 
 and thei'e is no animal that diddles but man. It will take an 
 entire hen-coop of picked chickens to get over that. 
 
 What constitutes the essence, the nare, the principle of did- 
 dling is, in fact, peculiar to the class of creatures that wear coats 
 and pantaloons. A crow thieves ; a fox cheats ; a weasel out- 
 wits ; a man diddles. To diddle is his destiny. " Man was 
 made to mourn," says the poet. But not so : he was made to 
 diddle. This is his aim his object his end. And for this rea- 
 son when a man's diddled we say he's ''done"
 
 368 DIDDLING CONSIDERED AS ONE OF 
 
 Diddling, rightly considered, is a compound, of which the 
 ingredients are minuteness, interest, perseverance, ingenuity, 
 audacity, nonchalance, originality, impertinence, and grin. 
 
 Minuteness: Your diddler is minute. His operations are 
 upon a small scale. His business is retail, for cash, or approved 
 paper at sight. Should be ever be tempted into magnificent 
 (peculation, he then, at once, loses his distinctive features, and 
 Becomes what we term " financier." This latter word conveys 
 the diddling idea in every respect except that of magnitude. A 
 diddler may thus be regarded as a banker in petto a " financial 
 operation," as a diddle at Brobdignag. The one is to the other, 
 as Homer to " Flaccus" as a Mastodon to a mouse as the tail 
 of u comet to that of a pig. 
 
 Interest : Your diddler is guided by self-interest. He scorns 
 to diddle for the mere sake of the diddle. He has an object in 
 view his pocket and yours. He regards always the main 
 chance. He looks to Number One. Yon are Number Two, 
 and must look to yourself. 
 
 Perseverance : Your diddler perseveres. He is not readily 
 discouraged. Should even the banks break, he cares nothing 
 about it. He steadily pursues his end, and 
 
 Ut canis a corio nunquam absterrebilur undo, 
 
 so he never lets go of his game. 
 
 Ingenuity: Your diddler is ingenious. He has constructive- 
 ness large. He understands plot. He invents and circumvents. 
 Were he not Alexander he would be Diogenes. Were he not a 
 diddler, he would be a maker of patent rat-traps or an angler 
 for trout. 
 
 Audacity : Your diddler is audacious. He is a bold man. 
 He carries the war into Africa. He conquers all by assault. 
 He would not fear the daggers of the Frey Herren. With a 
 little more prudence Dick Turpin would have made a good did- 
 dler ; with a trifle less blarney, Daniel O'Connell ; with a pound 
 or two more brains, Charles the Twelfth. 
 
 Nonchalance: Your diddler is nonchalant. He is not at all 
 nervous. He never had any nerves. He is never seduced into 
 a Hurry. He is never put out unless put out of doors. He is
 
 THE EXACT SCIENCES. 269 
 
 cool cool as a cucumber. He is calm "calm as a smile from 
 Lady Bury." He is easy easy as an old glove, or the dam- 
 sels of ancient Baiye. 
 
 OriyiiUility : Your diddler is original conscientiously so. 
 His thoughts are his own. He would scorn to employ those of 
 another. A stale trick is his aversion. He would return a 
 purse, I am sure, upon discovering that he had obtained it by 
 an unoriginal diddle. 
 
 Impertinence: Your diddler is impertinent. He swaggers. 
 He sets his arms a-kimbo. lie thrusts his hands in his trowsers' 
 pockets. He sneers in your face. He treads on your corns. 
 He eats your dinner, he dinks your wine, he borrows your 
 money, he pulls your nose, he kicks your poodle, and he kisses 
 your wife. 
 
 Grin: Your true diddler winds up all with a grin. But this 
 nobody sees but himself. He grins when his daily work is done 
 when his allotted labors are accomplished at night in his own 
 closet, and altogether for Us own private entertainment. He 
 goes home. lie locks his door. He divests himself of his 
 clothes. He puts out his candle. He gets into bed. He places 
 his head upon the pillow. All this done, and your diddler grins. 
 This is no hypothesis. It is a matter of course. I reason 
 a priori, and a diddle would be no diddle without a grin. 
 
 The origin of the diddle is referrible to the infancy of the 
 Human Race. Perhaps the first diddler was Adam. At all 
 events, we can trace the science back to a very remote period 
 of antiquity. The moderns, however, have brought it to a per- 
 fection never dreamed of by our thick-headed progenitors. 
 Without pausing to speak of the " old saws," therefore, I shall 
 content myself with a compendious account of some ot % the more 
 " modern instances." 
 
 A very good diddle is this. A housekeeper in want of a sofa, 
 for instance, is seen to go in and out of several cabinet, ware- 
 houses. At length she arrives at one offering an excellent va- 
 riety. She is accosted, and invited to enter, by a polite and 
 voluble individual at the door. She finds a sofa well adapted 
 to her views, and, upon inquiring the price, is surprised and de- 
 lighted to hear a sum named at least twenty per cent, lower
 
 270 DIDDLING CONSIDERED AS ONE OF 
 
 than her expectations. She hastens to make the purchase, gets 3 
 bill and receipt, leaves her address, with a request that the arti- 
 cle be sent home as speedily as possible, and retires amid a pro- 
 fusion of bows from the shop-keeper. The night arrives and 
 no sofa. The next day passes, and still none. A servant is 
 sent to make inquiry about the delay. The whole transaction 
 is denied. No sofa has been sold no money received except 
 by the diddler, who played shop-keeper for the nonce. 
 
 Our cabinet warehouses are left entirely unattended, and thus 
 afford every facility for a trick of this kind. Visitors enter, 
 look at furniture, and depart unheeded and unseen. Should any 
 one wish to purchase, or to inquire the price of an article, a bell 
 is at hand, and this is considered amply sufficient. 
 
 Again, quite a respectable diddle is this. A well-dressed 
 individual enters a shop; makes a purchase to the value of a 
 dollar ; finds, much to his vexation, that he has left his pocket- 
 book in another coat pocket ; and so says to the shop-keeper 
 
 " My dear sir, never mind ! just oblige me, will you, by 
 sending the bundle home ? But stay ! I really believe that I 
 have nothing less than a five dollar bill, even there. However, 
 you can send four dollars in change with the bundle, you know." 
 
 " Very good, sir," replies the shop-keeper, who entertains, at 
 once, a lofty opinion of the high-mindedness of his customer. 
 " I know fellows," he says to himself, " who would just have 
 put the goods under their arm, and walked off with a promise to 
 call and pay the dollar as they came by in the afternoon." 
 
 A boy is sent with the parcel and change. On the route, quite 
 accidentally, he is met by the purchaser, who exclaims : 
 
 " Ah ! this is my bundle, I see I thought you had been 
 bnme with it, long ago. Well, go on ! My wife, Mrs. Trotter, 
 will give you the five dollars I left instructions with her to 
 that effect. The change you might as well give to me I shall 
 want some silver for the Post Office. Very good ! One, two, 
 is this a good quarter ? three, four quite right ! Say to Mrs. 
 Trotter that you met me, and be sure now and do not loiter on 
 the way." 
 
 The boy does't -loiter at all but he is a very long time in get- 
 ting back from his errand for no lady of the precise name of
 
 THE EXACT SCIENCES. 271 
 
 Mrs. Trotter is to be discovered. He consoles himself, however, 
 that he has not been such a fool as to leave the goods without 
 the money, and re-entering his shop \\ith a self-satisfied air, 
 feels sensibly hurt and indignant when his master asks him what 
 has become of the change. 
 
 A very simple diddle, indeed, is this. The captain of a ship 
 which is about to sail, is presented by an official looking person, 
 with an unusually moderate bill of city charges. Glad to get off 
 so easily, and confused by a hundred duties pressing upon him 
 all at once, he discharges the claim forthwith. In about fifteen 
 minutes, another and less reasonable bill is handed him by one 
 who soon makes it evident that the first collector was a diddler, 
 and the original collection a diddle. 
 
 And here, too, is a somewhat similar thing. A steamboat is 
 casting loose from the wharf. A traveller, portmanteau in hand, 
 is discovered running towards the wharf at full speed. Suddenly, 
 he makes a dead halt, stoops, and picks up something from the 
 ground in a very agitated manner. It is a pocket-book, and 
 " Has any gentleman lost a pocket-book ?" he cries. No one can 
 say that he has exactly lost a pocket-book ; but a great excite- 
 ment ensues, when the treasure trove is found to be of value 
 The boat however, must not be detained. 
 
 " Time and tide wait for no man." says the captain. 
 
 " For God's sake, stay only a few minutes," says the finder of 
 the book " the true claimant will presently appear." 
 
 " Can't wait !" replies the man in authority ; " cast off there, d'ye 
 hear?" 
 
 " What am I do ?" asks the finder, in great tribulation. " I 
 am about to leave the country for some years, and I cannot con- 
 scientiously retain this large amount in my possession. I beg 
 your pardon, sir," [here he addreses a gentleman on shore,] " but 
 you have the air of an honest man. Will you confer upon me 
 the favor of taking charge of this pocket-book I know I can 
 trust you and of advertising it ? The notes, you see, amount 
 to a very considerable sum. The owner will, no doubt, insist 
 upon rewarding you for your trouble " 
 
 " Me! no, you! it was you who found the book." 
 
 " Well, if you must have it so / will take a nmall reward
 
 272 DIDDLING CONSIDERED AS ONE OF 
 
 just to satisfy your scruples. Let me see why these notes are 
 all hundreds bless my soul! a hundred is too much to take 
 fifty would be quite enough, I am sure " 
 
 " Cast off there !" says the captain. 
 
 " But then I have no change for a hundred, and upon the 
 whole, you had better " 
 
 " Cast off there !" says the captain. 
 
 " Never mind !" cries the gentlemen on shore, who has been 
 examining his own pocket-book for the last minute or so " never 
 mind ! /can fix it here is a fifty on the Bank of North Amei- 
 ica throw me the book." 
 
 And the over-conscientious finder takes 'the fifty with marked 
 reluctance, and throws the gentleman the book, as desired, while 
 the steamboat fumes and fizzes on her way. In about half an 
 hour after her departure, the " large amount" is seen to be a 
 " counterfeit presentment," and the whole thing a capital diddle. 
 
 A bold diddle is this. A camp-meeting, or something similar, 
 is to be held at a certain spot which is accessible only by means 
 of a free bridge. A diddler stations himself upon this bridge, re- 
 spectfully informs all passers by of the new county law, whick 
 establishes a toll of one cent for foot passengers, two for horses 
 and donkeys, and so forth, and so forth. Some grumble but all 
 submit, and the diddler goes home a wealthier man by some fifty 
 or sixty dollars well earned. This taking a toll from a great 
 crowd of people is an excessively troublesome thing. 
 
 A neat diddle is this. A friend holds one of the diddler's 
 promises to pay, filled up and signed in due form, upon the ordi- 
 nary blanks printed in red ink. The diddler purchases one or 
 two dozen of these blanks, and every day dips one of them in his 
 soup, makes his dog jump for it, and finally gives it to him as a 
 bonne bouche. The note arriving at maturity, the diddler, with 
 the diddler's dog, calls upon the friend, and the promise to pay is 
 made the topic of discussion. The friend produces it from his 
 fscritoire, and is in the act of reaching it to the diddler, when up 
 jumps the diddler's dog and devours it forthwith. The diddler is 
 not only surprised but vexed and incensed at the absurd behavior 
 of his dog, and expresses his entire readiness to cancel the obli-
 
 THE EXACT SCIENCES 273 
 
 pation at any moment when the evidence of the obligation shall 
 he forthcoming. 
 
 A very minute diddle is this. A lady is insulted in the street 
 by a diddler's accomplice. The diddler himself flies to her 
 assistance, and, giving his friend a comfortable thrashing, insists 
 upon attending the lady to her own door. He bows, with his 
 hand upon his heart, and most respectfully bids her adieu. She 
 entreats him, as her deliverer, to walk in and be introduced to 
 her big brother and her papa. With a sigh, he declines to do s<* 
 "Is there no w ay, then, sir," she murmurs, "in which I may be 
 permitted to testify my gratitude ?" 
 
 " Why, yes, madam, there is. Will you be kind enough to 
 lend me a couple of shillings ?" 
 
 In the first excitement of the moment the lady decides upon 
 fainting outright. Upon second thought, however, she opens her 
 purse-strings and delivers the specie. Now this, I say, is a did- 
 dle minute for one entire moiety of the sum borrowed has to 
 be paid to the gentleman who had the trouble of performing the 
 insult, and who had then to stand still and be thrashed for per- 
 forming it. 
 
 Rather a small, but still a scientific diddle is this. The diddler 
 approaches the bar of a tavern, and demands a couple of twists 
 of tobacco. These are handed to him, when, having slightly 
 examined them, he says : 
 
 " 1 don't much like this tobacco. Here, take it back, and give 
 me a glass of brandy and water in its place." 
 
 The brandy and water is furnished and imbibed, .and the did 
 dler makes his way to the door. But the voice of the tavern 
 keeper arrests him. 
 
 " I believe, sir, you have forgotten to pay for your brandy and 
 water." 
 
 " Pay for my brandy and water ! didn't I give you the tobac 
 to for the brandy and water ? What more would you have ?" 
 
 " But sir, if you please, I don't remember that you paid for 
 the tobacco." 
 
 " What do you mean by that, you scoundrel ? Didn't I give 
 you back your tobacco ? Isn't that your tobacco lying there ? Do 
 you expect me to pay for what I did not take ?"
 
 274 DIDDLING CONSIDERED AS ONE OF 
 
 " But, sir," says the publican, now rather at & loss what to say, 
 but sir" 
 
 " But me no buts, sir," interrupts the diddler, apparently in 
 very high dudgeon, and slamming the door after him, as he makes 
 his escape. " But me no buts, sir, and none of your tricks upon 
 travellers." 
 
 Here again is a very clever diddle, of which the simplicity is 
 not its least recommendation. A purse, or pocket-book, being 
 really lost, the loser inserts in one of the daily papers of a large 
 city a fully descriptive advertisement. 
 
 Whereupon our diddler copies the facts of this advertisement, 
 with a change of heading, of general phraseology, and address. 
 The original, for instance, is long, and verbose, is headed ''A 
 Pocket-Book Lost !" and requires the treasure, when found, to be 
 left at No. 1 Tom street. The copy is brief, and being headed 
 with " Lost" only, indicates No. 2 Dick, or No. 3 Harry street, as 
 the locality at which the owner may be seen. Moreover, it is 
 inserted in at least five or six of the daily papers of the day, 
 while in point of time, it makes its appearance only a few hours 
 after the original. Should it be read by the loser of the purse, 
 he would hardly suspect it to have any reference to his own mis- 
 fortune. But, of course, the chances are five or six to one, that 
 the finder will repair to the address given by the diddler, rather 
 than to that pointed out by the rightful proprietor. The former 
 pays tbs reward, pockets the treasure and decamps. 
 
 Quite an analogous diddle is this. A lady of ton has dropped, 
 somewhere in the street, a diamond ring of very unusual value. 
 B or its recovery, she offers some forty or fifty dollai-s reward 
 giving, in her advertisement, a very minute description of the 
 gem, and of its settings, and declaring that, upon its restoration 
 to No. so and so, in such and such Avenue, the reward will be 
 paid instanter, without a single question being asked. During 
 the lady's absence from home, a day or two afterwards, a ring is 
 heard at the door of No. so and so, in such and such Avenue ; a 
 servant appears ; the lady of the house is asked for and is de- 
 clared to be out, at which astounding information, the visitor 
 expresses the most poignant regret. His business is of import- 
 ance and concerns the lady herself. In fact, he had the good
 
 THE EXACT SCIENCES. 275 
 
 fortune to find her diamond ring. But, perhaps it would be as 
 well that lie should call again. " By no means !" says the ser- 
 vant ; and " By no means !" says the lady's sister and the lady's 
 sister-in-law, who are summoned forthwith. The ring is clamor- 
 ously identified, the reward is paid, and the finder nearly thrust 
 out of doors. The lady returns, and expresses some little 
 dissatisfaction with her sister and sister-in-law, because they 
 happen to have paid forty or fifty dollars for a fac-simile of her 
 diamond ring a fac-simile made out of real pinchbeck and 
 unquestionable paste. 
 
 But as there is really no end to diddling, so there would be 
 none to this essay, were I even to hint at half the variations, or 
 inflections, of which this science is susceptible. I must bring 
 this paper, perforce, to a conclusion, and this I cannot do better 
 than by a summary notice of a very decent, but rather elaborate 
 diddle, of which our own city was made the theatre, not very long 
 ago, and which was subsequently repeated with success, in other 
 still more verdant localities of the Union. A middle-aged gen- 
 tleman arrives in town from parts unknown. He is remarkably 
 precise, cautious, staid, and deliberate in his demeanor. His 
 dress is scrupulously neat, but plain, unostentatious. He wears 
 a white cravat, an ample waistcoat, made with an eye to comfort 
 alone ; thick-soled cosy -looking shoes, and pantaloons without 
 straps. He has the whole air, in fact, of your well-to-do, sober- 
 sided, exact, and respectable '' man of business," par excellence 
 one of the stern and outwardly hard, internally soft, sort of 
 people that we see in the crack high comedies fellows whose 
 words are so many bonds, 'and who are noted for giving away 
 guineas, in charity, with the one hand, while, in the way of mere 
 bargain, they exact the uttermost fraction of a farthing with the 
 other. 
 
 He makes much ado before Jie can get suited with a boarding- 
 house. He dislikes children. He has been accustomed to quiet. 
 His habits are methodical and then he would prefer getting into 
 a private and respectable small family, piously inclined. Terms, 
 however, are no object only he must insist upon settling his bill 
 on the first of every month, (it is now the second) and begs his 
 landlady, when he finally obtains one to his mind, not on any
 
 276 DIDDLING CONSIDERED AS ONE OF 
 
 account to forget his instructions upon this point but to send in 
 a bill, and receipt, precisely at ten o'clock, on the first day of 
 every month, and under no circumstances to put it off to the 
 second. 
 
 These arrangements made, our man of business rents an office 
 in a reputable rather than in a fashionable quarter of the town. 
 There is nothing he more despises than pretence. " Where there 
 is much show," he says, " there is seldom anything very solid 
 behind" an observation which so profoundly impresses his land- 
 lady's fancy, that she makes a pencil memorandum of it forthwith, 
 in her great family Bible, on the broad margin of the Proverbs 
 of Solomon. 
 
 The next step is to advertise, after some such fashion as this, 
 in the principal business sixpennies of this city the pennies are 
 eschewed as not " respectable" and as demanding payment for all 
 advertisements in advance. Our man of business holds it as a 
 point of his faith that work should never be paid for until done. 
 
 WANTED. The advertisers, being about to commence exten- 
 sive business operations in this city, will require the services of 
 three or four intelligent and competent clerks, to whom a liberal 
 salary will be paid. The very best recommendations, not so 
 much for capacity, as for integrity, will be expected. Indeed, as 
 the duties to be performed, involve high responsibilities, and 
 large amounts of money must necessarily pass through the hands 
 of those engaged, it is deemed advisable to demand a deposit of 
 .fifty dollars from each clerk employed. No person need apply, 
 therefore, who is not prepared to leave this sum in the possession 
 of the advertisers, and who sannot furnish the most satisfactory 
 testimonials of morality. Young gentlemen piously inclined will 
 be preferred. Application should be made between the hours of 
 ten and eleven, A. M., and four and five, P. M., of Messrs. 
 
 BOGS, HOGS, LOGS, FROGS, & Co. 
 No. 110 Dog Street. 
 
 By the thirty-first day of the month, this advertisement has 
 brought to the office of Messrs. Bogs, Hogs, Logs, Frogs and 
 Company, some fifteen ->r twenty young gentlemen piously in-
 
 THE EXACT SCIENCES. 2 1 !? 
 
 clined. But our man of business is in no huny to conclude a 
 contract with any no man of business is ever precipitate and 
 it is not until the most rigid catechism in respect to the piety of 
 each young gentleman's inclination, that his services are engaged 
 and his fifty dollars receipted for, just by way of proper precaution, 
 on the part of the respectable firm of Bogs, Hogs, Logs, Frogs, 
 and Company. On the morning of the first day of the uext 
 month, the landlady does not present her bill, according to pro- 
 mise a piece of neglect for which the comfortable head of the 
 house ending in ogs, would no doubt have eluded her severely, 
 could he have been prevailed upon to remain in town a day or 
 two for that purpose. 
 
 As it is, the constables have had a sad time of it, running 
 hither and thither, and all they can do is to declare the man of 
 business most emphatically, a " hen knee high" by which some 
 persons imagine them to imply that, in fact, he is n. e. i. by 
 which again the very classical phrase non est inventus, is supposed 
 to be understood. In the meantime the young gentlemen, one 
 and all, are somewhat less piously inclined than before, while the 
 landlady purchases a shilling's worth of the best Indian rubber, 
 and very carefully obliterates the pencil memorandum that some 
 fool has made in her great family Bible, on the broad margin of 
 &e Proverbs of Solomon.
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 
 
 AN EXTRAVAGANZA. 
 
 IT was a chilly November afternoon. I had just consummat- 
 ed an unusually hearty dinner, of which the dyspeptic trufft 
 formed not the least important item, and was sitting alone in the 
 dining-room, with my feet upon the fender, and at my elbow a 
 email table which I had rolled up to the fire, and upon which 
 were some apologies for dessert, with some miscellaneous bottles 
 of wine, spirit and liqueur. In the morning I had been reading 
 Glover's " Leonidas," Wilkie's " Epigoniad," Lamartine's " Pil- 
 grimage," Barlow's " Columbiad," Tuckerman's " Sicily," and 
 Griswold's " Curiosities j" I am willing to confess, therefore, that 
 I now felt a little stupid. I made effort to arouse myself by aid 
 of frequent Lafitte, and, all failing, I betook myself to a stray 
 newspaper in despair. Having carefully perused the column of 
 " houses to let," and the column of " dogs lost," and then the two, 
 columns of " wives and apprentices runaway," I attacked with 
 great resolution the editorial matter, and, reading it from begin- 
 ning to end without understanding a syllable, conceived the pos- 
 sibility of its being Chinese, and so re-read it from the end to 
 the beginning, but with no more satisfactory result. I was about 
 throwing away, in disgust. 
 
 This folio of four pages, happy work 
 Which not even critics criticise, 
 
 when I felt my attention somewhat aroused by the paragraph 
 which follows : 
 
 " The avenues to death are numerous and strange. A London 
 paper mentions the decease of a person from a singular cause. 
 He was playing at ' puff the dart,' which is played with a long 
 ueedle inserted in some worsted, and blown at a target through
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 279 
 
 a tin tube. He placed the needle at the wrong end ol the tube, 
 and drawing his breath strongly to puff the dart forward with 
 force, drew the needle into his throat. It entered the lungs, and 
 in a few days killed him." 
 
 Upon seeing this I fell into a great rage, without exactly 
 knowing why. " This thing," I exclaimed, " is a contemptible 
 falsehood a poor hoax the lees of the invention of some pitia- 
 ble penny-a-liner of some wretched concoctor of accidents in 
 Cocaigne. These fellows, knowing the extravagant gullibility 
 of the age, set their wits to work in the imagination of improba- 
 ble possibilities of odd accidents, as they term them ; but to a 
 I'eflecting intellect (like mine," I added, in parenthesis, putting 
 my forefinger unconsciously to the side of my nose,) "to a con- 
 templative understanding such as I myself possess, it seems evi- 
 dent at once that the marvellous increase of late in these ' odd 
 accidents' is by far the oddest accident of all. For my own 
 part, I intend to believe nothing henceforward that has anything 
 of the 'singular' about it/' 
 
 " Mein Gott, den, vat a vool you bees for dat ! ' replied one 
 of the most remarkable voices I ever heard. At first I took it 
 for a rumbling in my ears such as a man sometimes experien- 
 ces when getting very drunk but, upon second thought, I con- 
 sidered the sound as more nearly resembling that which proceeds 
 from an empty barrel beaten with a big stick ; and, in fact, this 
 I should have concluded it to be, but for the articulation of the 
 syllables and words. I am by no means naturally nervous, and 
 the very few glasses of Lafitte which I had sipped served to 
 embolden me a little, so that I felt nol.iing of trepidation, but 
 merely uplifted my eyes with a leisurely movement, and looked 
 carefully around the room for the intruder. I could not, how- 
 ever, perceive any one at all. 
 
 "Humph!" resumed the voice, as I continued my survey, 
 " you mus pe so dronk as de pig, den, for not zee me as I zit 
 here at your zide." 
 
 Hereupon I bethought me of looking immediately before my 
 nose, and there, sure enough, confronting me at the table sat a 
 personage nondescript, although not altogether indescribable. 
 His body was a wine-pipe, or a rum-puncheon, or something of
 
 280 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 
 
 that character, and had a truly Falstaffian air. In its nethci 
 extremity were inserted two kegs, which seemed to answer all 
 the purposes of legs. For arms there dangled from the upper 
 portion of the carcass two tolerably long bottles, with the necks 
 outward for hands. All the head that I saw the monster possessed 
 of was one of those Hessian canteens which resemble a large 
 snuff-box with a hole in the middle of the lid. This canteen 
 (with a funnel on its top, like a cavalier cap slouched over the 
 eyesj was set on edge upon the puncheon, with the hole toward 
 myself; and through this hole, which seemed puckered up like 
 the mouth of a very precise old maid, the creature was emitting 
 certain rumbling and grumbling noises which he evidently in- 
 tended for intelligible talk. 
 
 " I zay, : ' said he, " you mos pe dronk as de pig, vor zit dare 
 and not zee me zit ere ; and I zay, doo, you mos pe pigger vool 
 as de goose, vor to dispelief vat iz print in de print. 'Tiz de 
 troof dat it iz eberry vord ob it." 
 
 "Who are you, pray?" said I, with much dignity, although 
 somewhat puzzled ; " how did you get here ? and what is it you 
 Are talking about ?" 
 
 " As vor ow I com'd ere," replied the figure, " dat iz none of 
 your pizziness ; and as vor vat I be talking apout, I be talk apout 
 vat I tink proper ; and as vor who I be, vy dat is de very ting I 
 com'd here for to let you zee for yourzelf." 
 
 " You are a drunken vagabond," said I, " and I shall ring the 
 bell and order my footman to kick you into the street." 
 
 "He! he! he!" said the fellow, "hu! hu! hu! dat you can't 
 do." 
 
 " Can't do !" said I, " what do you mean ? I can't do what ?" 
 
 " Ring de pell ;" he replied, attempting a grin with his little 
 villanous mouth. 
 
 Upon this I made an effort to get up, in order to put my threat 
 into execution ; but the ruffian just reached across the table very 
 deliberately, and hitting me a tap on the forehead with the neck 
 of one of the long bottles, knocked me back into the arm-chair 
 from which I had half arisen. I was utterly astounded ; and, 
 for a moment, was quite at a loss what to do. In the meantime, 
 he continued his talk.
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 281 
 
 " YO:J zee," said he, " it iz te bess vor zit still ; and now you 
 shall know who I pe. Look at me ! zee ! I am te Angel ov te 
 Odd." 
 
 " And odd enough, too," I ventured to reply ; " but I was 
 always under the impression that an angel had wings." 
 
 " Te wing ! " he cried, highly incensed, " vat I pe do mit te 
 wing? Mein Gott! do you take me vor a shicken?" 
 
 " No oh no ! " I replied, much alarmed, " you are no chicken 
 certainly not." 
 
 " Well, den, zit still and pehabe yourself, or I'll rap you again 
 mid me vist. It iz te shicken ab te wing, und te owl ab te wing, 
 und te imp ab te wing, und te head-teuffel ab te wing. Te angel 
 ab not te wing, and I am te Angel ov te Odd" 
 
 " And your business with me at present is is" 
 
 "My pizzness!" ejaculated the thing, ''-vy vat a low bred 
 buppy you mos pe vor to ask a gentleman und an angel apout 
 his pizziness !" 
 
 This language was rather more than I could bear, even, from 
 an angel ; so, plucking up courage, I seized a salt-cellar which 
 lay within reach, and hurled it at the head of the intruder. 
 Either he dodged, however, or my aim was inaccurate ; for all I 
 accomplished was the demolition of the crystal which protected 
 the dial of the clock upon the mantel-piece. As for the Angel, 
 he evinced his sense of my assault by giving me two or three 
 hard consecutive raps upon the forehead as before. These reduc- 
 ed me at once to submission, and I am almost ashamed to confess 
 that either through pain or vexation, there came a few tears into 
 my eyes. 
 
 " Mein Gott ! " said the Angel of the Odd, apparently much 
 softened at my distress ; " mein Gott, te man is eder ferry dronk 
 or ferry zorry. You mos not trink it so strong you mos put te 
 water in te wine. Here, trink dis, like a goot veller, und don't 
 gry now don't ! " 
 
 Hereupon the Angel of the Odd replenished my goblet (which 
 was about a third full of Port) with a colorless fluid that he 
 poured from one of his hand bottles. I observed that these 
 bottles had labels about their necks, and that these labels were 
 inscribed " Kir^chenwasser-"
 
 282 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 
 
 The considerate kindness of the Angel mollified me in no little 
 measure ; and, aided by the water with which he diluted my 
 Port more than once, I at length regained sufficient temper to 
 listen to his very extraordinary discourse. I cannot pretend to 
 recount all that he told me. but I gleaned from what he said that 
 he was the genius who presided over the contretemps of mankind, 
 and whose business it was to bring about the odd accidents which 
 are continually astonishing the skeptic. Once or twice, upon my 
 venturing to express my total incredulity in respect to his pre- 
 tensions, he grew very angry indeed, so that at length I consider- 
 ed it the wiser policy to say nothing at all, and let him have his 
 own way. He talked on, therefore, at gre^.t length, while I 
 merely leaned back in my chair with my eyes shut, and amused 
 myself with munching raisins and filliping the stems about the 
 room. But, by-and-by, the Angel suddenly construed this beha- 
 vior of mine into contempt. He arose in a terrible passion, 
 slouched his funnel down over his eyes, swore a vast oath, utter- 
 ed a threat of some character which I did not precisely compre- 
 hend, and finally made me a low bow and departed, wishing me, 
 in the language the archbishop in Gil-Bias, " beaucuup de bon- 
 heur et un pen plus de bon sens" 
 
 His departure afforded me relief. The very few glasses of 
 Lafitte that I had sipped had the effect of rendering me drowsy, 
 and I felt inclined to take a nap of some fifteen or twenty 
 minutes, as is my custom after dinner. At six I had an appoint- 
 ment of consequence, which it was quite indispensable that I 
 should keep. The policy of insurance for my dwelling house 
 had expired the day before ; and, some dispute having arisen, it 
 was agreed that, at six, I should meet the board of directors of the 
 company and settle the terms of a renewal. Glancing upward 
 at the clock on the mantel-piece, (for I felt too drowsy to take 
 out my watch), I had the pleasure to find that I had still twenty- 
 five minutes to spare. It was half past five ; I could easily 
 walk to the insurance office in five minutes ; and my usual 
 siestas had never been known to exceed five and twenty. I felt 
 sufficiently safe, therefore, and composed myself to my slumbers 
 forthwith. 
 
 Having completed them to my satisfaction, I again looked
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 283 
 
 toward the time-piece and was half inclined to believe in the 
 possibility of odd accidents when I found that, instead of my 
 ordinary fifteen or twenty minutes, I had been dozing only thiee ; 
 for it still wanted seven and twenty of the appointed hour. I 
 betook myself again to my nap, and at length a second time 
 awoke, when, to my utter amazement, it still wanted twenty- 
 seven minutes of six. I jumped up to examine the clock, and 
 found that it had ceased running. My watch informed me that 
 it was half past seven ; and, of course, having slept two hours, 
 I was too late for my appointment. " It will make no difference," 
 I said : " I can call at the office in the morning and apologize ; 
 in the meantime what can be the matter with the clock ?" Upon 
 examining it I discovered that one of the raisin stems which I 
 been filliping about the room during the discourse of the Angel 
 of the Odd, had flown through the fractured crystal, and lodging, 
 singularly enough, in the key-hole, with an end projecting out- 
 ward, had thus arrested the revolution of the minute hand. 
 
 " Ah !" said I, " I see how it is. This thing speaks for itself. 
 A natural accident, such as will happen now and then !" 
 
 I gave the matter no further consideration, and at my usual 
 hour retired to bed. Here, having placed a candle upon a read- 
 ing stand at the bed head, and having made an attempt to peruse 
 some pages of the " Omnipresence of the Deity," I unfortunately 
 fell asleep in less than twenty seconds, leaving the light burning 
 as it was. 
 
 My dreams were terrifically disturbed by visions of the Angel oi 
 the Odd. Methought he stood at the foot of the couch, drew aside the 
 curtains, and, in the hollow, detestable tones of a rum puncheon, 
 menaced me with the bitterest vengeance for the contempt with 
 which I had treated him. He concluded a long harangue by 
 taking off his funnel-cap, inserting the tube into my gullet, and 
 thus deluging me with an ocean of Kirschenwiisser, which he 
 poured, in a continuous flood, from one of the long necked 
 bottles that stood him instead of an arm. My agony was at 
 length insufferable, and I awoke just in time to perceive that a 
 rat had run off with the lighted candle from the stand, but not 
 in season to prevent his making his escape with it through the 
 hole. Very soon, a strong suffocating odor assailed my nostrils;
 
 284 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 
 
 the house, I clearly perceived, was on fire. In a few minutes 
 the blaze broke forth with violence, and in an incredibly brief 
 period the entire building was wrapped in flames. All egress 
 from my chamber, except through a window, was cut off. The 
 crowd, however, quickly procured and raised a long ladder. By 
 means of this I was descending rapidly, and in apparent safety, 
 when a huge hog, about whose rotund stomach, and indeed about 
 whose whole air and physiognomy, there was something which 
 reminded me of the Angel of the Odd when this hog, I 
 say, which hither*o had been quietly slumbering in the mud, 
 *ook it suddenly into his head that his left shoulder needed 
 scratching, and could find no more convenient rubbing-post than 
 that afforded by the foot of the ladder. In an instant I was 
 precipitated and had the misfortune to fracture my arm. 
 
 This accident, with the loss of my insurance, and with the 
 more serious loss of my hair, the whole of which had been 
 singed off by the fire, predisposed me to serious impressions, so 
 that, finally, I made up my mind to take a wife. There was a 
 rich widow disconsolate for the loss of her seventh husband, and 
 to her wounded spirit I offered the balm of my vows. She 
 yielded a reluctant consent to my prayers. I knelt at her feet 
 in gratitude and adoration. She blushed and bowed her luxu- 
 riant tresses into close contact with those supplied me, tempo- 
 rarily, by Grandjean. I know not how the entanglement took 
 place, but so it was. I arose with a shining pate, wigless ; she 
 in disdain and wrath, half buried in alien hair. Thus ended 
 my hopes of the widow by an accident which could not have 
 been anticipated, to be sure, but which the natural sequence 
 of events had brought about. 
 
 Without despairing, however, I undertook the siege of a less 
 implacable heart. The fates were again propitious for a brief 
 period; but again a trivial incident interfered. Meeting my 
 betrothed in an avenue thronged with the elite of the city, I was 
 hastening to greet her with one of my best considered bows, 
 when a small particle of some foreign matter, lodging in the 
 corner of my eye, rendered me, for the moment, completely 
 blind. Before I could recover my sight, the lady of my love 
 had disappeared irreparably affronted at what she chose to
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 285 
 
 consider my premeditated rudeness in passing her by ungreeted. 
 While I stood bewildered at the suddenness of this accident, 
 (which might have happened, nevertheless, to any one under the 
 sun), and while I still continued incapable of sight, I was ac- 
 costed by the Angel of the Odd, who proffered me his aid with 
 a civility which I had no reason to expect. He examined my 
 disordered eye with much gentleness and skill, informed me that 
 I had a drop in it, and (whatever a " drop" was) took it out, and 
 afforded me relief. 
 
 I now considered it high time to die, (since fortune had sc 
 determined to persecute me), and accordingly made my way to 
 the nearest river. Here, divesting myself of my clothes, (for 
 there is no reason why we cannot die as we were born), I threw 
 myself headlong into the current ; the sole witness of my fate 
 being a solitary crow that had been seduced into the eating of 
 brandy-saturated corn, and so had staggered away from his 
 fellows. No sooner had I entered the water than this bird took it 
 into his head to fly away with the most indispensable portion of 
 my apparel. Postponing, therefore, for the present, my suicidal 
 design, I just slipped my nether extremities into the sleeves of 
 my coat, and betook myself to a pursuit of the felon with all tho 
 nimbleness which the case required and its circumstances 
 would admit. But my evil destiny attended me still. As I ran 
 at full speed, with my nose up in the atmosphere, and intent 
 only upon the purloiner of my property, I suddenly perceived 
 that my feet rested no longer upon terra-firma ; the fact is, I had 
 thrown myself over a precipice, and should inevitably have been 
 dashed to pieces but for my good fortune in grasping the end of 
 a long guide-rope, which depended from a passing balloon. 
 
 As soon as I sufficiently recovered my senses to comprehend 
 the terrific predicament in which I stood or rather hung, I exert- 
 ed all the power of my lungs to make ihat predicament known 
 to the aeronaut overhead. But for a long time I exerted 
 myself in vain. Either the fool could not, or the villain would 
 not perceive me. Meantime the machine rapidly soared, while 
 my strength even more rapidly failed. I was soon upon the 
 point of resigning myself to my fate, and dropping quietly into 
 the sea, when my spirits were suddenly revived by hearing a
 
 286 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 
 
 hollow voice from above, which seemed to be lazily humming an 
 opera air. Looking up, I perceived the Angel of the Odd. He 
 was leaning with his arms folded, over the rim of the car ; and 
 with a pipe in his mouth, at which he puffed leisurely, seemed to 
 be upon excellent terms with himself and the universe. I was 
 too much exhausted to speak, so I merely regarded him with an 
 imploring air. 
 
 For several minutes, although he looked me full in the face, 
 he said nothing. At length removing carefully his meerschaum 
 from the right to the left corner of his mouth, he condescended to 
 speak. 
 
 " Who pe you," he asked, " und what der teuffel you pe do 
 dare ?" 
 
 To this piece of impudence, cruelty and affectation, I could 
 reply only by ejaculating the monosyllable " Help !" 
 
 " Elp !" echoed the ruffian " not I. Dare iz te pottle elp 
 yourself, und pe tam'd !" 
 
 With these words he let fall a heavy bottle of Kirschenwasser 
 which, dropping precisely upon the crown of my head, caused 
 me to imagine that my brains were entirely knocked out. Im- 
 pressed with this idea, I was about to relinquish my hold and 
 give up the ghost with a good grace, when I was arrested by the 
 cry of the Angel, who bade me hold on. 
 
 " Old on !" he said ; " don't pe in te urry don't ! Will you 
 pe take de odder pottle, or ave you pe got zober yet and come to 
 your zenzes ?" 
 
 I made haste, hereupon, to nod my head twice once in the 
 negative, meaning thereby that I would prefer not taking the 
 other bottle at present and once in the affirmative, intending 
 thus to imply that I was sober and had positively come to my 
 senses. By these means I somewhat softened the Angel. 
 
 "Und you pelief, ten," he inquired, "at te last? You pelief, 
 ten, in te possibility of te odd ?" 
 
 I again nodded my head in assent. 
 
 " Und you ave pelief in me, te Angel of te Odd ?" 
 
 I nodded again. 
 
 " Und you acknowledge tat you pe te blind dronk und te 
 vool?"
 
 THE ANGEL OF THE ODD. 287 
 
 I nodded once more. 
 
 " Put your right hand into your left hand preeches pocket, ten, 
 in token ov your vull zubrnizzion unto te Angel ov te Odd." 
 
 This thing, for very obvious reasons, I found it quite impossi- 
 ble to do. In the first place, my left arm had been broken in 
 my fall from the ladder, and, therefore, had I let go my hold 
 with the right hand, I must have let go altogether. In the 
 second place, I could have no breeches until I came across the 
 crow. I was therefore obliged, much to my regret, to shake my 
 aead in the negative intending thus to give the Angel to under- 
 etand that I found it inconvenient, just at that moment, to comply 
 with his very reasonable demand ! No sooner, however, had I 
 ceased shaking my head than 
 
 rf Go to der teuffel, ten !" roared the Angel of the Odd. 
 
 In pronouncing these words, he drew a sharp knife across the 
 guide-rope by which I was suspended, and as we then happened 
 to be precisely over my own house, (which, during my peregrin- 
 ations,* had been handsomely rebuilt,) it so occurred that I 
 tumbled headlong down the ample chimney and alit upon the 
 dining-room hearth. 
 
 Upon coming to my senses, (for the fall had very thoroughly 
 stunned me,) I found it about four o'clock in the morning. I lay 
 outstretched where I had fallen from the balloon. My head 
 grovelled in the ashes of an extinguished fire, while my feet re 
 posed upon the wreck of a small table, overthrown, and amid the 
 fragments of a miscellaneous dessert, intermingled with a news- 
 paper, some broken glasses and shattered bottles, and an empty 
 jug of the Schiedam Kirschenwasser. Thus revenged 
 the Angel of the Odd.
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 
 
 ON BOARD BALLOON " SKYLARK," April I, 2848. 
 
 Now, iny dear friend now, for your sins, you are to suffer the 
 infliction of a long gossiping letter. I tell you distinctly that 1 
 am going to punish you for all your impertinences by being as 
 tedious as discursive, as incoherent and as unsatisfactory as pos- 
 sible. Besides, here I am, cooped up in a dirty balloon, with 
 some one or two hundred of the canaille, all bound on a pleasure 
 excursion, (what a funny idea some people have of pleasure !) 
 arid I have no prospect of touching terra Jirma for a month at 
 least. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do. When one has 
 nothing to do, then is the time to correspond with one's friends. 
 You perceive, then, why it is that I write you this letter it is 
 on account of my ennui and your sins. 
 
 Get ready your spectacles and make up your mind to be an- 
 noyed. I mean to write at you every day during this odious 
 voyage. 
 
 Heigho ! when will any Invention visit the human pericranium ? 
 Are we forever to be doomed to the thousand inconveniences of 
 the balloon ? Will nobody contrive a more expeditious mode of 
 progress ? This jog-trot movement, to my thinking, is little less 
 than positive torture. Upon my word we have not made more 
 than a hundred miles the hour since leaving home ! The very 
 birds beat us at least some of them. I assure you that I do 
 not exaggerate at all. Our motion, no doubt, seems slower than 
 it actually is this on account of our having no objects about us 
 by which to estimate our velocity, and on account of our going
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 289 
 
 with the wind. To be sure, whenever we meet a balloon we 
 have a chance of perceiving our rate, and then, I admit, tilings 
 do not appear so very bad. Accustomed as I am to this mode 
 of travelling, I cannot get over a kind of giddiness whenever a 
 balloon passes us in a current directly overhead. It always 
 seems to me like an immense bird of prey about to pounce upon 
 us and carry us off in its claws. One went over us this morning 
 about sunrise, and so nearly overhead that its drag-rope actually 
 brushed the net-work suspending our car, and caused us very 
 serious apprehension. Our captain said that if the material of 
 the bag had been the trumpery varnished " silk" of five hundred 
 or a thousand years ago, we should inevitably have been damaged. 
 This silk, as he explained it to me, was a fabric composed of the 
 entrails of a species of earth-worm. The worm was carefully fed 
 on mulberries a kind of fruit resembling a water-melon and, 
 when sufficiently fat, was crushed in a mill. The paste thus 
 arising was called papyrus in its primary state, and \\ ent through 
 a variety of processes until it finally became " silk." Singular to 
 relate, it was once much admired as an article of female dress ! 
 Balloons were also very generally constructed from it. A better 
 kind of material, it appears, was subsequently found in the down 
 surrounding the seed-vessels of a plant vulgarly called euphorli- 
 um, and at that time botariically termed milk-weed. This latter 
 kind of silk was designated as silk-buckingham, on account of its 
 superior durability; and was usually prepared for use by being 
 varnished with a solution of gum caoutchouc a substance which 
 in some respect must have resembled the gutta percha now in 
 ( ommon use. This caoutchouc was occasionally called India rub- 
 ber or rubber of whist, and was no doubt one of the numerous 
 fungi. Never tell me again that I am not at heart an anti- 
 quarian. 
 
 Talking of drag-ropes our own, it seems, has this moment 
 knocked a man overboard from one of the small magnetic pro- 
 pellers that swarm in ocean below us a boat of about six 
 thousand tons, and, from all accounts, shamefully crowded. 
 These diminutive barques should be prohibited from carrying 
 more than a definite number of passengers. The man, of course, 
 was not permitted to get on board again, and was soon out of
 
 290 MELLONTA TAUTA. 
 
 sight, he; and his life-preserver. I rejoice, my dear friend, that 
 we live iu an age so enlightened that no such a thing as an indi- 
 vidual is supposed to exist.' It is the mass for which the true 
 Humanity cares. By-the-by, talking of Humanity, do you know 
 that our immortal Wiggins is not so original in his views of the 
 Social Condition and so forth, as his cotemporaries are inclined 
 to suppose ? Pundit assures me that the same ideas were put. 
 nearly in the same way, about a thousand years ago, by an Irish 
 philosopher called Furrier, on account of his keeping a retail 
 shop for cat peltries and other furs. Pundit knows, you know ; 
 there can be no mistake about it. How very wonderfully do we 
 see verified every day, the profound observation of the Hindoo 
 Aries Tottle (as quoted by Pundit) " Thus must we say that, 
 not once or twice, or a few times, but with almost infinite repeti- 
 tions, the same opinions come round in a circle among men." 
 
 April 2. Spoke to-day the magnetic cutter in charge of the 
 middle section of floating telegraph wires. I learn that when 
 this species of telegraph was first put into operation by Horse, it 
 was considered quite impossible to convey the wires over sea 
 but now we are at a loss to comprehend where the difficulty lay ! 
 So wags the world. Tempora mutantur excuse me for quoting 
 the Etruscan. What would we do without the Atlantic tele- 
 graph ? (Pundit says Atlantic was the ancient adjective.) We 
 lay to a few minutes to ask the cutter some questions, and learned, 
 among other glorious news, that civil war is raging in Africia, 
 while the plague is doing its good work beautifully both in Yurope 
 and Ayesher. Is it not truly remarkable that, before the magnifi- 
 cent light shed upon philosophy by Humanity, the world was 
 accustomed to regard War and Pestilence as calamities ? Do 
 you know that prayers were actually offered up in the ancient 
 temples to the end that these evils (!) might not be visited upon 
 mankind ? Is it not really difficult to comprehend upon what 
 principle of interest our forefathers acted ? Were they so blind 
 as not to perceive that the destruction of a myriad of individuals is 
 only so much positive advantage to the mass ! 
 
 April 3. It is really a very tine amusement to ascend the 
 rope-ladder leading to the summit of the balloon-bag and thence 
 survey the surrounding world. From the car below, you know
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 291 
 
 the prospect is not so comprehensive you can see little vertically. 
 But seated here (where I write this) in the luxuriously-cushioned 
 open piazza of the summit, one can see everything that is going 
 on in all directions- Just now, there is quite a crowd of balloons 
 in sight, and they present a very animated appearance, while the 
 air is resonant with the hum of so many millions of human voices. 
 I have heard it asserted that when Yellow or (as Pundit witt 
 have it) Violet, who is supposed to have been the first aeronaut, 
 maintained the practicability of traversing the atmosphere in all 
 directions, by merely ascending or descending until a favorable 
 current was attained, he was scarcely hearkened to at all by his 
 cotemporaries, who looked upon him as merely an ingenious sort 
 of madman, because the philosophers (!) of the day declared the 
 thing impossible. Really now it does seem to me quite unac- 
 countable how anything so obviously feasible could have escaped 
 the sagacity of the ancient savans. But in all ages the great 
 obstacles to advancement in Art have been opposed by the so- 
 called men of science. To be sure, our men of science are not 
 quite so bigoted as those of old : oh, I have something so queer 
 to tell you on this topic. Do you know that it is not more than 
 a thousand years ago since the metaphysicians consented to re- 
 lieve the people of the singular fancy that there existed but two 
 possible roads for the attainment of Truth ! Believe it if you can ! 
 It appears that long, long ago, in the night of Time, there lived 
 a Turkish philosopher (or Hindoo possibly) called Aries Tottle. 
 This person introduced, or at all events propagated what was 
 termed the deductive or a priori mode of investigation. He 
 started with what he maintained to be axioms or "self-evident 
 truths," and thence proceeded " logically" to results. His great- 
 est disciples were one Neuclid and one Cant. Well, Aries Tottle 
 flourished supreme until the advent of one Hog, surnamed the 
 " Ettrick Shepherd," who preached an entirely different system, 
 which he called the a posteriori or inductive. His plan referred 
 altogether to Sensation. He proceeded by observing, analyzing 
 and classifying facts instuntice naturce, as they were affectedly 
 called into general laws. Aries Tottle's mode, in a word, was 
 based on noumena ; Hog's on phenomena. Well, so great was 
 the admiration excited by this latter system that, at its first intro-
 
 !4J2 MELLONTA TAUTA. 
 
 duction, Aiies Tottle fell into disrepute; but finally he recovered 
 ground and was permitted to divide the realm of Truth with hi? 
 more modern rival. The savans now maintained that the Aris- 
 totelian and Baconian roads were the sole possible avenues tc 
 knowledge. " Baconian," you must know, was an adjective in 
 vented as equivalent to Hog-ian and more euphonious and 
 dignified. 
 
 Now, my dear friend, I do assure you, most positively, that 1 
 represent this matter fairly, on the soundest authority; and you 
 can easily understand how a notion so absurd on its very face 
 must have operated to retard the progress of all true know- 
 ledge which makes its advances almost invariably by intuitive 
 bounds. The ancient idea confined investigation to crawling ; 
 and for hundreds of years so great was the infatuation about Hog 
 especially, that a virtual end was put to all thinking properly so 
 called. No man dared utter a truth to which he felt himself in- 
 debted to his Soul alone. It mattered not whether the truth was 
 even demonstrubly a truth, for the bullet-headed savans of the 
 time regarded only the road by which he had attained it. They 
 would not even look at the end. " Let us see the means," they 
 cried, " the means !" If, upon investigation of the means, it was 
 found to come neither under the category Aries (that is to say 
 Ram) nor under the category Hog, why then the savans went no 
 farther, but pronounced the "theorist" a fool, and would have 
 nothing to do with him or his truth. 
 
 Now, it cannot be maintained, even, that by the crawling sys- 
 tem the greatest amount of truth would be attained in any long 
 series of ages, for the repression of imagination was an evil not 
 to be compensated for by any superior certainty in the ancient 
 modes of investigation. The error of these Jurmains, these 
 Vrinch, these Inglitch and these Amri^cans, (the latter, by the 
 way, were our own immediate progenitors,) was an error quite 
 analogous with that of the wiseacre who fancies that he must ne- 
 cessarily see an object the better the more closely he holds it to 
 his eyes. These people blinded themselves by details. When 
 they proceeded Hoggishly, their " facts" were by means always 
 facts a matter of little consequence had it not been for assum- 
 ing that they were facts and must be facts because they appeared
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 293 
 
 to be such. When they proceeded on the path of the Ram, their 
 course was scarceJv as straight as a ram's horn, for they nevet 
 had an axiom which was an axiom at all. They must have 
 been very blind not to see this, even in their own day ; for even 
 in their own day many of the long " established" axioms had 
 been rejected. For example " Ex nihilo, nihiljit ;" "a body 
 cannot, act where it is not ;" " there cannot exist antipodes ;" 
 * darkness cannot come out of light" all these, and a dozen 
 other similar propositions, formerly admitted without hesitation 
 as axioms, were, even at the period of which I speak, seen to be 
 untenable. How absurd in these people, then, to persist in 
 putting faith in " axioms" as immutable bases of Truth ! But 
 even out of the mouths of their soundest reasoners it is easy to 
 demonstrate the futility, the impalpability of their axioms in gen- 
 eral. Who was the soundest of their logicians ? Let me see ! 
 
 1 will go and ask Pundit and be back in a minute Ah, 
 
 here we have it ! Here is a book written nearly a thousand 
 years ago and lately translated from the Inglitch which, .by the 
 way, appears to have been the rudiment of the Amriccan. Pun- 
 dit says it is decidedly the cleverest ancient work on its topic, 
 Logic. The author (who was much thought of in his day) was 
 one Miller, or Mill ; and we find it recorded of him, as a point 
 of .- ome importance, that he had a mill-horse called Bentham. 
 But let us glance at the treatise! 
 
 Ah ! " Ability or inability to conceive," says Mr. Mill, 
 very properly, " is in no case to be received as a criterion of 
 axiomatic truth." What modern in his senses would ever think of 
 disputing this truism ? The only wonder with us must be, how it 
 happened that Mr. Mill conceived it necessary even to hint at 
 any thing so obvious. So far good but let us turn over another 
 page. What have we here ? k< Contradictories cannot both bo 
 true that is, cannot co-exist in nature." Here Mr. Mill means, 
 for example, that a tree must be either a tree or not a tree that 
 it cannot be at the same time a tree and not a tree. Very well , 
 but I ask him why. His reply is this and never pretends to be 
 any thing else than this " Because it is impossible to conceive that 
 coniradiolories can both be true." But this is no answer atall, by his 
 own showing; for has he not just admitted as a truism that
 
 294 MELLONTA TAUTA. 
 
 " ability or inability to conceive is in no case to be icceived as a 
 criterion of axiomatic truth." 
 
 Now I do not complain of these ancients so much because theft 
 logic is, by their own showing, utterly baseless, worthless and 
 fantastic altogether, as because of their pompous and imbecile 
 proscription of all other roads of Truth, of all other means for ita 
 attainment than the two preposterous paths the one of creeping 
 and the one of crawling to which they have dared to confine the 
 Soul that loves nothing so well as to soar. 
 
 B-the-by, my dear friend, do you not think it would have puz- 
 zled these ancient dogmaticians to have determined by which of 
 '/lieir two roads it was that the most important and most sublime 
 of all their truths was, in effect, attained ? I mean the truth of 
 Gravitation. Newton owed it to Kepler. Kepler admitted that 
 his three laws were guessed at these three laws of all laws 
 which led the great Inglitch mathematician to his principle, the 
 \.a?is of all physical principle to go behind which we must enter 
 t he Kingdom of Metaphysics. Kepler guessed that, is to say 
 imagined. He was essentially a " theorist" that word now of 
 so much sanctity, formerly an epithet of contempt. Would h 
 not have puzzled these old moles too, to have explained by which 
 of the two " roads" a cryptographist unriddles a cryptograph of 
 more than usual secrecy, or by which of the two roads Champol- 
 lion directed mankind to those enduring and almost innumerable 
 truths which resulted from his deciphering the Hieroglyphics? 
 
 One word more on this topic and I will be done boring you. 
 Is it not passing strange that, with their eternal prating about 
 roads to Truth, these bigoted people missed what we now so 
 clearly perceive to be the great highway that of Consistency ? 
 Does it not seem singular how they should have failed to deduce 
 from the works of God the vital fact that a perfect consistency 
 must be an absolute truth ! How plain has been our progress 
 since the late announcement of this proposition! Investigation 
 lias been taken out of the hands of the ground-moles and given, 
 as a task, to the true and only true thinkers, the men of ardent 
 imagination. These latter theorize. Can you not fancy the 
 shout of scorn with which my words would be received by om 
 progenitors were it possible for them to be now looking over my
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 298 
 
 shoulder ? These men, I say theorize ; and their theories are 
 simply conected, reduced, systematized cleared, little by little, 
 of their dross of inconsistency until, finally, a perfect consist- 
 ency stands apparent which even the most stolid admit, because 
 it is a consistency, to be an absolute and an unquestionable truth, 
 April 4. The new gas is doing wonders, in conjunction with 
 the new improvement with gutta percha. How very safe, com- 
 modious, manageable, and in every respect convenient are our 
 modern balloons ! Here is an immense one approaching us at 
 the rate of at least a hundred and fifty miles an hour. It seems 
 to be crowded with people perhaps there are three or four 
 hundred passengers and yet it soars to an elevation of nearly 
 a mile, looking down upon poor us with sovereign contempt. 
 Still a hundred or even two hundred miles an hour is slow 
 travelling, after all. Do you remember our flight on the rail- 
 road across the Kanadaw continent ? fully three hundred miles 
 the hour that was travelling. Nothing to be seen, though 
 nothing to be done but flirt, feast and dance in the magnificent 
 saloons. Do you remember what an odd sensation was experi- 
 enced when, by chance, we caught a glimpse of external objects 
 while the cars were in full flight? Everything seemed unique 
 in one mass. For my part, I cannot say but that I preferred 
 the travelling by the slow train of a hundred miles the houi 
 Here we were permitted to have glass windows even to have 
 them open and something like a distinct view of the country 
 
 was attainable Pundit says that the route for the 
 
 great Kanadaw railroad must have been in some measure marked 
 out about nine hundred years ago ! In fact, he goes so far as to 
 assert that actual traces of a road are still discernible 
 traces referable to a period quite as remote as that mentioned. 
 The track, it appears, was double only ; ours, you know, ha* 
 twelve paths; and three or four new ones are in preparation. 
 The ancient rails were very slight, and placed so close together 
 as to be, according to modern notions, quite frivolous, if not dan- 
 gerous in the extreme. The present width of track fifty feet 
 is considered, indeed, scarcely secure enough. For my part, 
 I make no doubt that a track of some sort must have existed in 
 very remote times, as Pundit asserts ; for nothing can be clearer,
 
 296 MELLONTA TAUTA. 
 
 to my mind, than that, at some period not less than seven ceo 
 turies ago, certainly the Northern and Southern Kanadaw con- 
 tinents were united; the Kanawdians, then, would have been 
 driven, by necessity, to a great railroad across the continent. 
 
 April 5. I am almost devoured by ennui. Pundit is the only 
 eonversible person on board ; and he, poor soul ! can speak of 
 nothing but antiquities. He has been occupied all the day in 
 the attempt to convince me that the ancient Amriccans governed 
 themselves ! did ever anybody hear of such an absurdity ? that 
 they existed in a sort of every-man-for-himself confederacy, 
 after the fashion of the " prairie dogs" that we read of in fable. 
 He says that they started with the queerest idea conceivable, 
 viz : that all men are born free and equal this in the very teeth 
 of the laws of gradation so visibly impressed upon all things 
 both in the moral and physical universe. Every man " voted," 
 as they called it that is to say, meddled with public affairs 
 until, at length, it was discovered that what is everybody's busi- 
 ness is nobody's, and that the " Republic" (so the absurd thing 
 was called) was without a government at all. It is related, how- 
 ever, that the first circumstance which disturbed, very parti- 
 cularly, the self-complacency of the philosophers who constructed 
 this " Republic," was the startling discovery that universal suf- 
 frage gave opportunity for fraudulent schemes, by means of 
 which any desired number of votes might at any time be polled, 
 without the possibility of prevention or even detection, by any 
 party which should be merely villanous enough not to be 
 ashamed of the fraud. A little reflection upon this discovery 
 sufficed to render evident the consequences, which were that 
 rascality must predominate in a word, that a republican govern- 
 ment could never be anything but a rascally one. While the 
 philosophers, however, were busied in blushing at their stupidity 
 in not having foreseen these inevitable evils, and intent upon the 
 invention of new theories, the matter was put to an abrupt issue by 
 a fellow of the name of Mob, who took everything into his own 
 hands and set up a despotism, in comparison with which those, 
 of the fabulous Zeros and Hellofagabaluses were respectab. e and 
 delectable. This Mob (a foreigner, by-the-by), is said to have 
 been the most odious of all men that ever encumbered the earth
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 5497 
 
 He was a giant in stature insolent, rapacious, filthy ; had the 
 gall of a bullock with the heart of an hyena and the brains of 
 a peacock. He died, at length, by dint of his own energies,, 
 which exhausted him. Nevertheless, he had his use?, as every- 
 thing has, however vile, and taught mankind a lesson which to 
 this day it is in no danger of forgetting never to run directly 
 contrary to the natural analogies. As for Republicanism, no 
 analogy could be found for it upon the face of the earth unless 
 we except the case of the " prairie dogs," an exception which 
 seems to demonstrate, if anything, that democracy is a very ad- 
 mirable form of government for dogs. 
 
 April 6. Last night had a fine view of Alpha Lyroe, whose 
 disk, through our captain's spy-glass, subtends an angle of 
 half a degree, looking very much as our suu does to the naked 
 eye on a misty day. Alpha Lyrae, although so very much larger 
 than our sun, by-the-by, resembles him closely as regards its spots, 
 its atmosphere, and in many other particulars. It is only within 
 the last century, Pundit tells me. that the binary relation exist- 
 ing between these two orbs began even to be suspected. The 
 evident motion of our system in the heavens was (strange to 
 say !) referred to an orbit about a prodigious star in the centre 
 of the galaxy. About this star, or at all events about a centre 
 of gravity common to all the globes of the Milky Way and 
 supposed to be near Alcyone in the Pleiades, every one of these 
 globes -was declared to be revolving, our own performing the 
 circuit in a period of 117,000,000 of years ! We, with our 
 present lights, our vast telescopic improvements, and so forth, of 
 course find it difficult to comprehend the ground of an idea such 
 as this. Its first propogator was one Mudler. He was led, we 
 must presume, to this wild hypothesis by mere analogy in the 
 first instance ; but, this being the case, he should have at least 
 adhered to analogy in its development. A great central orb 
 was, in fact, suggested ; so far Mudler was consistent. This 
 central orb, however, dynamically, should have been greater 
 than all its surrounding orbs taken together. The question 
 mighl then have been asked " Why do we not see it ?" we, 
 especially, who occupy the mid region of the cluster the very 
 locality near which, at least, must be situated this inconceivable
 
 298 MELLONTA TAUTA. 
 
 central sun. The astronomer, perhaps, at this point, took 
 refuge in the suggestion of non-luminosity ; and here analogy 
 was suddenly let fall. But even admitting the central orb non- 
 luminous, how did he manage to explain its failure to be rendered 
 risible by the incalculable host of glorious suns glaring in all 
 directions about it ? No doubt what he finally maintained was 
 merely a centre of gravity common to all the revolving orbs 
 but here again analogy 'must have been let fall. Our system 
 revolves, it is true, about a common centre of gravity, but it 
 does this in connection with and in consequence of a material 
 sun whose mass more than counterbalances the rest of the 
 system. The mathematical circle is a curve composed of an 
 inlinity of straight lines ; but this idea of the circle this idea of 
 it which, in regard to all earthly geometry, we consider as 
 merely the mathematical, in contradistinction from the practical, 
 idea is, in sober fact, the practical, concept ion which alone we 
 have any right to entertain in respect to those Titanic circles 
 with which we have to deal, at least in fancy, when we suppose 
 our system, with its fellows, revolving about a point in the centre 
 of the galaxy. Let the most vigorous of human imaginations 
 but attempt to take a single step towards the comprehension of 
 a circuit so unutterable ! It would scarcely be paradoxical to 
 say that a flash of lightning itself, travelling forever upon the 
 circumference of this inconceivable circle, would still forever be 
 travelling in a straight line. That the path of our sun along 
 such a circumference that the direction of our system in such 
 an orbit would, to any human perception, deviate in the 
 slightest degree from a straight line even in a million of years, 
 is a proposition not to be entertained ; and yet these ancient 
 astronomers \vere absolutely cajoled, it appears, into believing 
 that a decisive curvature had become apparent during the brief 
 period of their astronomical history during the mere point 
 during the utter nothingness of two or three thousand years ! 
 How incomprehensible, that considerations such as this did not 
 at once indicate to them the true state of affairs that of the 
 binary revolution of our sun and Alpha Lyrse around a common 
 centre of gravity ! 
 
 April 7 . Continued last night our astronomical amusements.
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 2y* 
 
 Had a fine view of the five Nepturian asteroids, and watched 
 with much interest the putting up of a huge impost on a couple 
 of lintels in the new temple at Daphnis in the moon. It was 
 amusing to think that creatures so diminutive as the lunarians, 
 and bearing so little resemblance to humanity, yet evinced a me- 
 chanical ingenuity so much superior to our own. One finds it 
 difficult, too, to conceive the vast masses which these people handle 
 so easily, to be as light as our reason tells us they actually are. 
 April 8. Eureka ! Pundit is in his glory. A balloon from 
 Kanadaw spoke us to-day and threw on board several late papers; 
 they contain some exceedingly curious information relative to 
 Kanawdian or rather to Amriccan antiquities. You know, I 
 presume, that laborers have for some months been employed in 
 preparing the ground for a new fountain at Paradise, the empe- 
 ror's principal pleasure garden. Paradise, it appears, has been, 
 literally speaking, an island time out of mind that is to say, its 
 northern boundary was always (as far back as any records ex- 
 tend) a rivulet, or rather a very narrow arm of the sea. This 
 arm was gradually widened until it attained its present breadth 
 a mile. The whole length of the island is nine miles; the breadth 
 varies materially. The entire area (so Pundit says) was, about 
 eight hundred years ago, densely packed with houses, some of 
 them twenty stories high ; land (for some most unaccountable rea- 
 son) being considered as especially precious just in this vicinity. 
 The disastrous earthquake, however, of the year 2050, so totally up- 
 rooted and overwhelmed the town (for it was almost too large to 
 be called a village) that the most indefatigable of our antiquari- 
 ans have never yet been able to obtain from the site any 
 sufficient data (in the shape of coins, medals or inscriptions) 
 wherewith to build up even the ghost of a theory concerning die 
 manners, customs, &c. &c. &c., of the aboriginal inhabitants. 
 Nearly all that we have hitherto known of them is, that they 
 were a portion of the Knickerbocker tribe of savages infesting 
 the continent at its first discovery by Recorder Riker, a knight 
 of the Golden Fleece. They were by no means uncivilized, 
 however, but cultivated various arts and even sciences after a 
 fashion of their own. It is related of them that they were acute 
 in many respects, but were oddly afflicted with a monomania for 
 building what, in the ancient Amriccan, was denominated
 
 300 MEJLuUJSTA TAUTA. 
 
 "churches" a kind of pagoda instituted for the worship of two 
 idols that went by the names of Wealth and Fashion. In the 
 end, it is said, the island became, nine-tenths of it, church. The 
 women, too, it appears, were oddly deformed by a natural protu- 
 berance of the region just below the small of the back although, 
 most unaccountably, this deformity was looked upon altogether 
 in the light of a beauty. One or two pictures o f these singular 
 women have, in fact, been miraculously preserved. They look 
 very odd, very like something between a turkey-cock and a 
 dromedary. 
 
 Well, these few details are nearly all that have descended to 
 us respecting the ancient Knickerbockers. It seems, however, 
 that while digging in the centre of the emperor's garden, (which, 
 you know, covers the whole island,) some of the workmen un- 
 earthed a cubical and evidently chisseled block of granite, weigh- 
 ing several hundred pounds. It was in good preservation, 
 having received, apparently, little injury from the convulsion 
 which entombed it. On one of its surfaces was a marble slab 
 with (only think of it !) an inscription a legible inscription. 
 Pundit is in ecstasies. Upon detaching the slab, a cavity ap- 
 peared, containing a leaden box filled with various coins, a long 
 scroll of names, several documents which appear to resemble 
 newspapers, with other matters of intense interest to the antiqua 
 rian ! There can be no doubt that all these are genuine Amric 
 can relics belonging to the tribe called Knickerbocker. The 
 papers thrown on board our balloon are filled with fee-similes of 
 the coins, MSS., typography, &c. &c. I copy for your amuse- 
 ment the Knickerbocker inscription on the marble slab : 
 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOQOOOCX 
 
 This Corner Stone of a Monument to the 
 
 Memory of 
 
 GEORGE WASHINGTON, 
 ^ was laid with appropriate ceremonies on the 
 
 19TH DAY OF OCTOBER, 1847, 
 ( | the anniversary of the surrender of 
 
 Lord Cornwallis 
 to General Washington at Yorktown, 
 
 A. D. 1781, 
 
 under the auspices of the 
 Washington Monument Association of the 
 I city of New York. 
 
 )
 
 MELLONTA TAUTA. 801 
 
 This, as I give it, is a verbatim translation done bj Pundit 
 himself, so there can be no mistake about it From the few 
 words thus preserved, we glean several important items of know- 
 ledge, not the least interesting of which is the fact that a thousand 
 years ago actual monuments had fallen into disuse as was all 
 very proper the people contenting themselves, as we do now, 
 with a mere indication of the design to erect a monument at some 
 future time ; a corner-stone being cautiously laid by itself " soli- 
 tary and alone" (excuse me for quoting the great Amriccan 
 poet Benton !) as a guarantee of the magnanimous intention. We 
 ascertain, too, very distinctly, from this admirable inscription, the 
 how, as well as the where and the what, of the great surrender 
 in question. As to the where, it was Yorktown (wherever that 
 was, and as to the what, it was General Cornwallis (no doubt 
 some wealthy dealer in corn). He was surrendered. The in* 
 scription commemorates the surrender of what ? why, " of 
 Lord Coruwallis." The only question is what could the savages 
 wish him surrendered for. But when we remember that these 
 savages were undoubtedly cannibals, we are led to the conclusion 
 that they intended him for sausage. As to the how of the sur- 
 render, no language can be more explicit. Lord Cornwallis was 
 surrendered (for sausage) " under the auspices of the Washington 
 Monument Association" no doubt a charitable institution for 
 
 the depositing of corner-stones. But, Heaven bless me ! what 
 
 is the matter? Ah, I see the balloon has collapsed, and we 
 shall have a tumble into the sea. I have, therefore, only time 
 enough to ndd that, from a hasty inspection of the fac-similes of 
 newspapers, &c. &c., I find that the great men in those days 
 among the Amriccans, were one John, a smith, and one Zacchary, 
 u tailor. 
 
 Good bye, until I see you again. Whether you ever get this 
 letter or not is a point of little importance, as I write altogether 
 for my own amusement. I shall cork the MS. up in a bottle 
 however, and throw it into the sea. 
 
 Yours everlastingly, 
 
 PUNDTTA.
 
 LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 TALE NEITHER IN NOR OUT OF " B L A c a: w 3 o D J 
 
 O breathe not, &c. MOORE'S MELODIES. - 
 
 THE most notorious ill-fortune must in the end, yield to the 
 nntiring courage of philosophy as the most stubborn city to the 
 ceaseless vigilance of an enemy. Salmanezer, as we have it in 
 the holy writings, lay three years before Samaria ; yet it fell. 
 Sardanapalus see Diodorus maintained himself seven in Nine- 
 veh ; but to no purpose. Troy expired at the close of the second 
 lustrum ; and Azoth, as Aristseus declares upon his honor as a 
 gentleman, opened at last her gates to Psnmmitticus, after 
 having barred them for the fifth part of a century. * * * 
 
 " Thou wretch ! thou vixen ! thou shrew !" said I to my 
 wife on the morning after our wedding, " thou witch ! thou 
 hag! thou whipper-snapper! thou sink of iniquity! thou 
 fieiy-faced quintessence of all that is abominable ! thou thou 
 " here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and 
 placing my mouth close to her ear, I was preparing to launch 
 forth a new and more decided epithet of opprobrium, which 
 should not fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of her insignificance, 
 when, to my extreme horror and astonishment, I discovered that 
 I had lost my breath. 
 
 The phrases " I am out of breath," " I have lost my breath," 
 &c., are often enough repeated in common conversation ; but it 
 had never occurred to me that the terrible accident of which I 
 speak could bona fide and actually happen ! Imagine that is if 
 you have, a fanciful turn imagine, I say, my wonder my con- 
 sternation my despair!
 
 LOSS OF BREATH. 303 
 
 There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely de- 
 serted me. In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a 
 sense of propriety, et le chemn des passions me conduit as 
 Lord Edouard in the "Julie" says it did him a la philosophie 
 veritable. 
 
 Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree 
 the occurrence had affected me, I determined at all events to 
 conceal the matter from my wife, until fui'ther experience should 
 discover to me the extent of this my unheard of calamity. Alter- 
 ing my countenance, therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed 
 and distorted appearance, to an expression of arch and coqeuttish 
 benignity, I gave my lady a pat on the one cheek, and a kiss on 
 the other, and without saying one syllable, (Furies ! I could not), 
 left her astonished at my drollery, as I pirouetted out of the room 
 in a Pas de Zephyr. 
 
 Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a 
 fearful instance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility 
 alive, with the qualifications of the dead dead, with the pro- 
 pensities of the living an anomoly on the face of the earth 
 being very calm, yet breathless. 
 
 Yes ! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was 
 entirely gone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my 
 life had been at issue, or sullied even the delicacy of a mirror. 
 Hard fate ! yet there was some alleviation to the first over- 
 whelming paroxysm of my sorrow. I found, upon trial, that 
 the powers of utterance which, upon my inability to proceed in 
 the conversation with my wife, I then concluded to be totally 
 destroyed, were in fact only partially impeded, and I discovered 
 that had I at that interesting crisis, dropped my voice to a sin- 
 gularly deep guttural, I might still have continued to her the 
 communication of my sentiments ; this pitch of voice (the gut- 
 tural) depending, I find, not upon the current of the breath, but 
 upon a certain spasmodic action of the muscles of the throat. 
 
 Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time ab- 
 sorbed in meditation. My reflections, be sure, were of no con- 
 solatory kind. A thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies 
 took possession of my soul and even the idea of suicide flitted 
 across my brain ; but it is a trait in the perversity of human
 
 304 LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 nature to reject the obvious and the ready, for the far-distant 
 and equivocal. Thus I shuddered at self-murder as the most 
 decided of atrocities while the tabby cat purred strenuously upon 
 the rug, and the very water-dog wheezed assiduously under the 
 table ; each taking to itself much merit for the strengtli of its 
 lungs, and all obviously done in derision of my own pulmonary 
 incapacity. 
 
 Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length 
 heard the footsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being 
 now assured of her absence, I returned with a palpitating heart 
 to the scene of my disaster. 
 
 Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigor- 
 ous search. It was possible, I thought that, concealed in some 
 obscure corner, or lurking in some closet or drawer, might be 
 found the lost object of my inquiry. It might have a vapory 
 it might even have a tangible form. Most philosophers, upon 
 many points of philosophy, are still very unphilosophical. Wil- 
 liam Godwin, however, says in his " Mandeville," that " invisible 
 things are the only realities," and this all will allow, is a case in 
 point. I would have the judicious reader pause before accusing 
 such asseverations of an undue quantum of absurdity. Anaxa- 
 goras, it will be remembered, maintained that snow is black, and 
 this I have since found to be the case. 
 
 Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation : but the 
 contemptible reward of my industry and perseverance proved to 
 be only a set of false teeth, two pair of hips, an eye, and a bun- 
 dle of billetts-doux from Mr. Wind enough to my wife. I might 
 is well here observe that this confirmation of my lady's partiality 
 or Mr. W. occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lacko- 
 wreath should admire anything so dissimilar to myself was a 
 natural and necessary evil. I am, it is 'well known, of a robust 
 and corpulent appearance, and at the same time somewhat dimin- 
 utive in stature. What wonder then that the lath-like tenuity of 
 my acquaintance, and his altitude, which has grown into a prov- 
 erb, should have met with all due estimation in the eyes of Mrs. 
 Lackobreath. But to return. 
 
 My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet 
 after closet drawer after drawer corner after corner w-ere
 
 LOSS OF BREATH. 305 
 
 scrutinized to no purpose. At one time, however, I thought 
 myself sure of my prize, having in rummaging a dressing-case, 
 accidentally demolished a bottle of Grandjean's Oil of Archangels 
 which, as an agreeable perfume, I here take the liberty of 
 recommending. 
 
 With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir there to ponder 
 upon some method of eluding my wife's penetration, until I could 
 make arrangements prior to my leaving the country, for to this 
 I had already made up my mind. In a foreign climate, being 
 unknown, I might, with some probability of success, endeavor 
 to conceal my unhappy calamity a calamity calculated, even 
 more than beggary, to estrange the affections of the multitude, 
 and to draw down upon the wretch the well-merited indignation 
 of the virtuous and the happy. I was not long in hesitation. Being 
 naturally quick, I committed to memory the entire tragedy of 
 " Metamora." I had the good fortune to recollect that in the ac- 
 centuation of this drama, or at least of such portion of it as is 
 allotted to the hero, the tones of voice in which I found myself 
 deficient were altogether unnecessary, and that the deep guttural 
 was expected to reign monotonously throughout. 
 
 I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequented 
 marsh ; herein, however, having no reference to a similar pro- 
 ceeding of Demosthenes, but from a design peculiarly and con- 
 scientiously my own. Thus armed at all points, I determined to 
 make my wife believe that I was suddenly smitten with a pas 
 sion for the stage. In this, I succeeded to a miracle ; and to 
 every question or suggestion found myself at liberty to reply in 
 my most frog-like and sepulchral tones with some passage from 
 the tragedy any portion of which, as I soon took great pleasure 
 in observing, would apply equally well to any particular subject. 
 It is not to be supposed, however, that in the delivery of such 
 passages I was found at all deficient in the looking asquint the 
 showing my teeth the working my knees the shuffling my 
 feet or in any of those unmentionable graces which are now 
 justly considered the characteristics of a popular performer. 
 To be sure they spoke of confining me in a straight-jacket 
 but, good God ! they never suspected me of having lo&t iny 
 breath.
 
 306 LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 Having at length put my affairs in order, I took iriy seat verj 
 early one morning in the mail stage for , giving it to be un- 
 derstood, among my acquaintances, that business of the last im- 
 portance required my immediate personal attendance in that 
 city. 
 
 The coach was crammed to repletion ; but in the uncertain 
 twilight the features of my companions could not be distinguished. 
 Without making any effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be 
 placed between two gentlemen of colossal dimensions ; while * 
 third, of a size larger, requesting pardon for the liberty he was 
 about to take, threw himself upon my body at full length, and 
 falling asleep in an instant, drowned all my guttural ejaculations 
 for relief, in a snore which would have put to blush the roarings 
 of the bull of Phalaris. Happily the state of my respiratory 
 /acuities rendered suffocation an accident entirely out of the 
 question. 
 
 As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach 
 JT> the outskirts of the city, my tormentor arising and adjusting 
 his shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my 
 civility. Seeing that I remained motionless, (all my limbs were 
 dislocated and my head twisted on one side,) his apprehensions 
 began to be excited ; and arousing the rest of the passengers, he 
 communicated in a very decided manner, his opinion that a dead 
 man had been palmed upon them during the night for a living 
 and responsible fellow-traveller ; here giving me a thump on the 
 right eye, by way of demonstrating the truth of his suggestion. 
 
 Hereupon all, one after another, (there were nine in company), 
 believed it their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising 
 physician, too, having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and 
 found me without breath, the assertion of my persecutor was 
 pronounced a true bill ; and the whole party expressed a deter- 
 mination to endure tamely no such impositions for the futui'e, and 
 to proceed no farther with any such carcasses for the present. 
 
 I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the " Crow," 
 (by which tavern the coach happened to be passing,) without 
 meeting with any farther accident than the breaking of both my 
 arms, under the left hind wheel of the vehicle. I must besides 
 do the driver the justice to state that he did not forget to throw
 
 LOSS OF BREATH. 307 
 
 after me the largest of my trunks, which, unfortunately falling 
 on my head, fractured my skull in a manner at once interesting 
 and extraordinary. 
 
 The landlord of the " Crow," who is a hospitable man, finding 
 that my trunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little 
 trouble he might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon 
 of his acquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and 
 receipt for ten dollars. 
 
 The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced 
 operations immediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he 
 discovered signs of animation. He now rang the bell, and sent 
 for a neighboring apothecary with whom to consult in the emer- 
 gency. In case of his suspicions with regard to my existence 
 proving ultimately correct, he, in the meantime, made an incision 
 in my stomach, and removed several of my viscera for private 
 dissection. 
 
 The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This 
 idea I endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all ray 
 might, and making the most furious contortions for the opera- 
 tions of the surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to the posses- 
 sion of my faculties. All, however, was attributed to the effects 
 of a new galvanic battery, wherewith the apothecary, who is 
 really a man of information, performed several curious experi- 
 ments, in which, from my personal share in their fulfilment, I 
 could not help feeling deeply interested. It was a source of 
 mortification to me neyertheless, that although I made several 
 attempts at conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely in 
 abeyance, that I could not even open my mouth ; much less then 
 make reply to some ingenious but fanciful theories of which, un- 
 der other circumstances, my minute acquaintance with the Hip- 
 pocratian pathology would have afforded me a ready confutation. 
 
 Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners 
 remanded me for farther examination. I was taken up into a 
 garret ; and the surgeon's lady having accommodated me with 
 drawers and stockings, the surgeon himself fastened my hands, 
 and tied up my jaws with a pocket handkerchief then bolted 
 the door on the outside as he hurried to his dinner, leaving me 
 alone to silence anil to meditation.
 
 308 LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 I now discovered to ray extreme delight that 1 ;ould have 
 spoken had not my mouth been tied up by the pocket handker- 
 chief. Consoling myself with this reflection, I was mentally re- 
 peating some passages of the " Omnipresence of the Deity," as 
 is my custom before resigning myself to sleep, when two cats, of 
 a greedy and vituperative turn, entering at a hole in the wall, 
 leaped up with a flourish a la Cataluni, and alighting opposite 
 one another on my visage, betook themselves to indecorous con- 
 tention for the paltry consideration of my nose. 
 
 But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to 
 the throne of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as 
 the cutting off his nose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so 
 the loss of a few ounces of my countenance proved the salvation 
 of my body. Aroused by the pain, and burning with indignation, 
 I burst, at a single effort, the fastenings and the bandage. Stalk 
 ing across the room I cast a glance of contempt at the belliger- 
 ants, and throwing open the sash to their extreme horror and 
 disappointment, precipitated myself, very dexterously, from the 
 window. 
 
 The mail-robber W , to whom I bore a singular resem- 
 blance, was at this moment passing from the city jail to the 
 scaffold erected for his execution in the suburbs. His extreme 1 
 infirmity, and long continued ill health, had obtained him the 
 privilege of remaining unmanacled ; and habited in his gallows 
 costume one very similar to my own he lay at full length in 
 the bottom of the hangman's cart (which happened to be under 
 the windows of the surgeon at the moment of my precipitation) 
 without any other guard than the driver who was asleep, and two 
 recruits of the sixth infantry, who were drunk. 
 
 As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet within the vehi- 
 cle. W , who was an acute fellow, perceived his opportu- 
 nity. Leaping up immediately, he bolted out behind, and 
 turning down an alley, was out of sight in the twinkling of an 
 eye. The recruits, aroused by the bustle, could not exactly com- 
 prehend the merits of the transaction. Seeing, however, a man, 
 the precise counterpart of the felon, standing upright in the cart 
 before their eyes, they were of opinion that the rascal (meaning 
 \\r .) was a fter making his escape, (so they expressed
 
 LOSS OF BREATH. 309 
 
 themselves,) and, having communicated this opinion to one 
 another, they took each a dram, and then knocked me down with 
 the butt-ends of their muskets. 
 
 It was not long ere we arrived at the place of destination. Of 
 course nothing could be said in my defence. Hanging was my 
 inevitable fate. I resigned myself thereto with a feeling half 
 stupid, half acrimonious. Being little of a cynic, I had all the 
 sentiments of a dog. The hangman, however, adjusted the noose 
 about my neck. The drop fell. 
 
 I forbear to depict my sensations upon the gallows ; although 
 here, undoubtedly, I could speak to the point, and it is a topic 
 upon which nothing has been well said. In fact, to write upon 
 such a theme it is necessary to have been hanged. Every author 
 should confine himself to matters of experience. Thus Mark 
 Antony composed a treatise upon getting drunk. 
 
 I may just mention, however, that die I did not. My body 
 teas, but I had no breath to le suspended ; and but for the knot 
 under my left ear (which had the feel of a military stock) I dare 
 say that I should have experienced very little inconvenience. 
 As for the jerk given to my neck upon the falling of the drop, it 
 merely proved a corrective to the twist afforded me by the fat 
 gentleman in the coach. 
 
 For good reasons, however, I did my best to give the crowd 
 the worth of their trouble. My convulsions were said to be ex- 
 traordinary. My spasms it would have been difficult to beat. 
 The populace encored. Several gentlemen swooned ; and a mul- 
 titude of ladies were carried home in hysterics. Pinxit availed 
 himself of the opportunity to retouch, from ?> sketch taken upon 
 the spot, his admirable painting of the " Mavsyas flayed alive," 
 
 When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was thought 
 proper to remove my body from the gallows ; this the more 
 especially as the real culprit had in the meantime been retaken 
 and recognized; a fact which I was so unlucky as not to know. 
 
 Much sympathy was, of course exercised in my behalf, and as 
 no one made claim to my corpse, it was ordered that I should be 
 interred in a public vault. 
 
 Here, after due interval, I w r as deposited. The sexton depart 
 edj and I was left alone. A line of Mars ton's " Malcontent''
 
 310 LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 Death's a good fellow and keeps open house 
 
 struck me at that moment as a palpable lie. 
 
 I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin, and stepped out. 
 The place was dreadfully dreary and damp, and I became troubled 
 with ennui. By way of amusement, I felt my way among the 
 numerous coffins ranged in order around. I lifted them down, 
 one by one. and breaking open their lids, busied myself in specu- 
 lations about the mortality within. 
 
 " This,'" I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass, puffy, bloatedj 
 and rotund " this has been, no doubt, in every sense of the word, 
 an unhappy an unfortunate man. It has been his terrible lot 
 not to walk, but to waddle to pass through life not like a human 
 being, but like an elephant not like a man, but like a rhino- 
 ceros. 
 
 " His attempts at getting on have been mere abortions, and his 
 circumgyratory proceedings a palpable failure. Taking a step 
 forward, it has been his misfortune to take two towards the right, 
 and three towards the left. His studies have been confined to 
 the poetry of Crabbe. He can have had no idea of the wonder 
 of a pirouette. To him a pas de papitton has been an abstract 
 conception. He has never ascended the summit of a hill. He 
 has never viewed from any steeple the glories of a metropolis.. 
 Heat has been his mortal enemy. In the dog-days his days have 
 been the days of a dog. Therein, he has dreamed of flames and 
 suffocation of mountains upon mountains of Pelion upon Ossa. 
 He was short of breath to say all in a word, he was short of 
 breath. He thought it extravagant to play upon wind instru- 
 ments. He was the inventor of self-moving fans, wind-sails, and 
 ventilators. He patronized Du Pont the bellows-maker, and 
 died miserably in attempting to smoke a cigar. His was a case 
 in which I feel a deep interest a lot in which I sincerely sym- 
 pathize. 
 
 " But here," said I " here" and I dragged spitefully from 
 its receptacle a gaunt, tall, and peculiar-looking form, whose re- 
 markable appearance struck me with a sense of unwelcome 
 familiarity "here is a wretch entitled to no earthly commisera- 
 tion," Thus saying, in order to obtain a more distinct view of
 
 LOSS OF BREATH. 311 
 
 my subject, I applied my thumb and fore-finger to its nose, and 
 causing it to assume a sitting position upon the. ground, held it 
 thus, at the length of my arm, while I continued my soliloquy. 
 
 " Entitled," I repeated, " to no earthly commiseration. Who 
 indeed would think of compassionating a shadow ? Besides, has 
 he not had his full share of the blessings of mortality ? He was 
 the originator of tall monuments shot-towers lightning-rods 
 lombardy poplars. His treatise upon " Shades and Shadows" 
 has immortalized him. He edited with distinguished ability the 
 last edition of " South on the Bones." He went early to college 
 and studied pneumatics. He then came home, talked eternally, 
 and played upon the French-horn. He patronized the bag-pipes, 
 Captain Barclay, who walked against Time, would not walk 
 against him. Windham and Allbreath were his favorite writers. 
 his favorite artist, Phiz. He died gloriously while inhaling 
 gas levique flatu corrupitor, like the fama pudicitice in Hiero- 
 nymus.* He was indubitably a " 
 
 " How can you ? how can you ?" interrupted the object 
 of my animadversions, gasping for breath, and tearing off, with a 
 desperate exertion, the bandage around its jaws " how can you, 
 Mr. Lackobreath, be so infernally cruel as to pinch me in that 
 manner by the nose ? Did you not see how they had fastened 
 up my mouth and you must know if you know anything how 
 vast a superfluity' of breath I have to dispose of! If you do not 
 know, however, sit down and you shall see. In my situation it 
 is really a great relief to be able to open one's mouth to be able 
 to expatiate to be able to communicate with a person like your- 
 self, who do not think yourself called upon at every period to 
 interrupt the thread of a gentleman's discourse. Interruptions 
 are annoying and should undoubtedly be abolished don't you 
 think so ? no reply, I beg you, one person is enough to be 
 speaking at a time. I shall be done by-and-by, and then you 
 may begin. How the devil, sir, did you get into this place ? 
 not a word I beseech you been here some time myself terrible 
 accident ! heard of it, I suppose awful calamity ! walking 
 
 * Tenera res in feminis famas pudicitice, et quasi flos pidchcrrimus, ciu id 
 levem marf.essit auram, levique flatu corrupitur, maximc, &c. Hierouymus ad 
 Salvinam.
 
 312 LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 tinder your windows some short while ago about the time you 
 were stage-struck horrible occurrence ! heard of " catchin 
 
 a 
 
 one's breath," eh ? hold your tongue I tell you ! I caught 
 somebody else's ! had always too much of my own met Blab 
 at the corner of the street would'nt give me a chance for a word > 
 could'nt get in a syllable edgeways attacked, consequently, wilh 
 epilepsis Blab made his escape damn all fools ! they took 
 me up for dead, and put me in this place pretty doings all of 
 them ! heard all you said about me every word a lie horri- 
 ble ! wonderful ! outrageous ! hideous ! incomprehensible ! 
 et cetera et cetera et cetera et cetera " 
 
 It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so unexpected 
 a discourse ; or the joy with which I became gradually convinced 
 that the breath so fortunately caught by the gentleman (whom I 
 soon recognized as my neighbor Windenough) was, in fact, the 
 identical expiration mislaid by myself in the conversation with 
 my wife. Time, place, and circumstance rendered it a matter 
 beyond question. I did not, however, immediately release iny 
 hold upon Mr. W.'s proboscis not at least during the long period 
 in which the inventor of lombardy-poplars continued to favor me 
 with his explanations. 
 
 In this respect I was actuated by that habitual prudence which 
 has ever been my predominating trait. I reflected that many 
 difficulties might still lie in the path of my preservation which 
 only extreme exertion on my part would be able to surmount. 
 Many persons, I considered, are prone to estimate commodities 
 in their possession however valueless to the then proprietor 
 however troublesome, or distressing in direct ratio with the ad- 
 vantages to be derived by others from their attainment, or by 
 themselves from their abandonment. Might not this be the case 
 with Mr. Windenough? In displaying anxiety for the breath of 
 which he was at present so willing to get rid, might I not lay 
 myself open to the exactions of his avarice ? There are scoun- 
 drels in this world, I remembered with a sigh, who will not scru- 
 ple to take unfair opportunities with even a next door neighbor, 
 and (this remark is from Epictetus) it is precisely at that time 
 when men are most anxious to throw off the burden of their own
 
 LOSS OF DREATH 813 
 
 calamities that they feel the least desirous cf relieving them in 
 others. 
 
 Upon considerations similai to these, and still retaining my 
 grasp upon the nose of Mr. W., I accordingly thought proper to 
 model my reply. 
 
 " Monster !" I began in a tone of the deepest indignation, 
 " monster ; and double-winded idiot ! dost t/iou, whom for thine 
 iniquities, it has pleased heaven to accurse with a two-fold respi- 
 ration dost thou, I say, presume to address me in the familiar 
 language of an old acquaintance? " I lie," forsooth! and "hold 
 my tongue," to be sure ! pretty conversation indeed, to a gen- 
 tleman with a single breath ! all this, too, when I have it in my 
 power to relieve the calamity under which thou dost so justly 
 suffer to curtail the superfluities of thine unhappy respiration." 
 
 Like Brutus, I paused for a reply with which, like a tornado. 
 Mr. Windenough immediately overwhelmed me. Protestation 
 followed upon protestation, and apology upon apology. There 
 were no terms with which he was unwilling to comply, and there 
 were none of which I failed to take the fullest advantage. 
 
 Preliminaries being at length arranged, my acquaintance de- 
 livered me the respiration ; for which (having carefully exam- 
 ined it) I gave him afterwards a receipt. 
 
 I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame for speaking, 
 in a manner so cursory, of a transaction so impalpable. It will 
 be thought that I should have entered more minutely into the 
 details of an occurrence by which and this is very true much 
 new light might be thrown upon a highly interesting branch of 
 physical philosophy. 
 
 To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint is the only 
 answer which I am permitted to make. There were circumstan- 
 ces but I think it much safer upon consideration to say as little 
 as possible about an affair so delicate so delicate, I repeat, and 
 and at the time involving the interests of a third party whose 
 sulphurous resentment I have not the least desire, at this moment, 
 of incurring. . 
 
 We were not long after this necessary arrangement in effecting 
 an escape from the dungeons of the sepulchre. The united 
 strength of our resuscitated voices was soon sufficiently apparent
 
 3U LOSS OF BREATH. 
 
 Scissors, the Whig Editor, republished a treatise upon "the na- 
 ture and origin of subterranean noises." A reply rejoin- 
 der confutation and justification followed in the columns of a 
 Democratic Gazette. It was not until the opening of the vault to 
 decide the controversy, that the appearance of Mr. Windenough 
 and myself proved both parties to have been decidedly in the 
 wrong. 
 
 I cannot conclude these details of some very singular passages 
 in a life at all times sufficiently eventful, without again recalling 
 to the attention of the reader the merits of that indiscriminate 
 philosophy which is a sure and ready shield against those shafts of 
 calamity which can neither be seen, felt, nor fully understood. 
 It was in the spirit of this wisdom that, among the Ancient He- 
 brews, it was believed the gates of Heaven would be inevitably 
 opened to that sinner, or saint, who, with good lungs and implicit 
 confidence, should vociferate the word " Amen!" It was in the 
 spirit cf this wisdom that, when a great plague raged at Athens, 
 and every means had been in vain attempted for its removal, 
 Epimenides, as Laertius relates in his second book of that phi- 
 losopher, advised the erection of a shrine and temple " to the pro- 
 per God/* 
 
 LYTTLETON BARRY.
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 
 
 A TALE OF THE LATE BUGABOO AND KICKAPOO CAMPAIGN 
 
 Pleurez, pleurei, mes yeux, etfondei vous en caul 
 
 La moitie de ma vie a mis I' autre an tumbcau.. CORNKILLK. 
 
 I CANNOT just now remember when or where I first made 
 the acquaintance of that truly fine-looking fellow, Brevet 
 Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. Some one did in- 
 troduce me to the gentleman, I am sure at some public meeting, 
 1 know very well held about something of great importance, no 
 doubt at some place or other, I feel convinced, whose name I 
 have unaccountably forgotten. The truth is that the introduc- 
 tion was attended, upon my part, with a degree of anxious embar- 
 rassment which operated to prevent any definite impressions of 
 either time or place. I am constitutionally nervous this, with 
 me, is a family failing, and I can't help it. In especial, the 
 slightest appearance of mystery of any point I cannot exactly 
 comprehend puts me at once into a pitiable state of agitation. 
 
 There was something, as it were, remarkable yes, remarkable, 
 although this is but a feeble term to express my full meaning 
 about the entire individuality of the personage in question. He 
 was, perhaps, six feet in height and of a presence singularly 
 commanding. There was an air distingue pervading the whole 
 man, which spoke of high breeding, and hinted at high birth. 
 Upon this topic the topic of Smith's personal appearance 1 
 have a kind of melancholy satisfaction in being minute. His 
 head of hair would have done honor to a Brutus ; nothing 
 could be more richly flowing, or possess a brighter gloss. I: 
 vvas of a jetty black ; which was also the color, or more
 
 310 THE MAN THAT WAS USED L'P. 
 
 properly the no color, of his unimaginable whiskers. You 
 perceive I cannot speak of these latter without enthusiasm , it is 
 not too much to say that they were the handsomest pair of 
 whiskers under the sun. At all events, they encircled, and at 
 times partially overshadowed, a mouth utterly unequalled. Here 
 were the most entirely even, and the most brilliantly white of 
 all conceivable teeth. From between them, upon every proper 
 occasion, issued a voice of surpassing clearness, melody, and 
 strength. In the matter of eyes, also, my acquaintance was 
 pre-eminently endowed. Either one of such a pair was worth a 
 couple of the ordinary ocular organs. They were of a deep 
 hazel, exceedingly large and lustrous ; and there was perceptible 
 about them, ever and anon, just that amount of interesting 
 obliquity which gives pregnancy to expression. 
 
 The bust of the General was unquestionably the finest bust I 
 ever saw. For your life you could not have found a fault with 
 il. wonderful proportion. This rare peculiarity set off to great 
 advantage a pair of shoulders which would have called up a 
 blut'.h of conscious inferiority into the countenance of the marble 
 Apollo. I have a passion for fine shoulders, and may say that T 
 never beheld them in perfection before. The arms altogether 
 were admirably modelled. Nor were the lower limbs less 
 superb. These were, indeed, the ne plus ultra of good legs. 
 Every connoisseur in such matters admitted the legs to be good. 
 There was neither too much flesh, nor too little, neither rude- 
 ness nor fragility. I could not imagine a more graceful curve 
 than that of the os femoris, and there was just that due gentle 
 prominence in the rear of the fibula which goes to the conforma- 
 tion of a properly proportioned calf. I wish to God my young 
 and talented friend Chiponchipino, the sculptor had but seen the 
 legs of Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. 
 
 But although men so absolutely fine-looking are neither a.s 
 plenty as reasons or blackberries, still I could not bring myself 
 to believe that the remarkable something to which I alluded just 
 now, that the odd air of je ne sais quoi which hung about my 
 new acquaintance, lay altogether, or indeed at all, in the 
 supreme excellence of his bodily endowments. Perhaps it might 
 be traced to the manner ; yet here again I could not pretend to
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 317 
 
 be positive. There was a primness, not to say stiffness, in hia 
 carriage a degree of measured, and, if 1 may so express it, of 
 rectangular precision, attending his every movement, which, 
 observed in a more diminutive figure, would have had the least 
 little savor in the world, of affectation, pomposity or constraint, 
 but which noticed in a gentleman of his undoubted dimensions, 
 was readily placed to the account of reserve, hauteur of a 
 commendable sense, in short, of what is due to the dignity of 
 colossal proportion. 
 
 The kind friend who presented me to General Smith whis- 
 pered in my ear some few words of comment upon the man. 
 He was a remarkable man a very remarkable man indeed one 
 of the most remarkable men of the age. He was an especial 
 favorite, too, with the ladies chiefly on account of his high 
 reputation for courage. 
 
 " In that point he is unrivalled indeed he is a perfect 
 desperado a down-right fire-eater, and no mistake," said my 
 friend, here dropping his voice excessively low, and thrilling me 
 with the mystery of his tone. 
 
 " A downright fire-eater, and no mistake. Showed that, 1 
 should say, to some purpose, in the late tremendous swa.mp-figh' 
 away down South, with the Bugaboo and Kickapco Indians." 
 [Here my friend opened his eyes to some extent.] " Bless my 
 soul ! blood and thunder, and all that ! -prodigies of valor I- 
 heard of him of course ? you know he's the man" 
 
 " Man alive, how do you do ? why how are ye ? very glad to 
 see ye, indeed !" here interrupted the General himself, seizing 
 my companion by the hand as he drew near, and bowing stiffly 
 but profoundly, as I was presented. 1 then thought, (and I 
 think so still,) ',hat I never heard a clearer nor a stronger voice 
 nor beheld a finer set of teeth : but I must say that I was sorry 
 for the interruption just at that moment, as, owing to the 
 whispers and insinuations aforesaid, my interest had beer, 
 greatly excited in the hero of the Bugaboo and Kickapoc 
 campaign. 
 
 However, the delightfully luminous conversation of BreveJ 
 Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith soon completely di.s' 
 sipated this chagrin. My friend leaving us immediately, we had
 
 318 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP 
 
 quite a long tete-a-tete, and I was not only pleased but really-* 
 instructed. I never heard a more fluent talker, or a man of 
 greater general information. With becoming modesty, he 
 forebore, nevertheless, to touch upon the theme I had just then 
 most at heart I mean the mysterious circumstances attending 
 the Bugaboo war and, on my own part, what I conceive to be 
 a proper sense of delicacy forbade me to broach the subject ; 
 although, in truth, I was exceedingly tempted to do so. I 
 perceived, too, that the gallant soldier preferred topics of 
 philosophical interest, and that he delighted, especially in com- 
 menting upon the rapid march of mechanical invention. Indeed, 
 lead him where I would, this was a point to which he invariably 
 came back. 
 
 " There is nothing at all like it," he would say ; " we are a 
 wonderful people, and live in a wonderful age. Parachutes and 
 rail-roads man-traps and spring-guns ! Our steam-boats are 
 upon every sea, and the Nassau balloon packet is about to run 
 regular trips (fare either way only twenty pounds sterling) 
 between London and Timbuctoo. And who shall calculate the 
 immense influence upon social life upon arts upon commerce 
 -^upon literature which will be the immediate result of the 
 gr'.at principles of electro magnetics! Nor, is this all, let me 
 assure you ! There is really no end to the march of invention. 
 The most wonderful the most ingenious and let me add, Mr. 
 Mr. Thompson, I believe, is your name let me add, I say 
 \he most useful the most truly useful mechanical contrivances, 
 are daily springing up like mushrooms, if I may so express 
 myself, or, more figuratively, like ah grasshoppers like 
 grasshoppers, Mr. Thompson about us and ah ah ah 
 around us !" 
 
 Thompson, to be sure, is not my name ; but it is needless to 
 say that I left General Smith with a heightened interest in the 
 man, with an exalted opinion of his conversational powers, and a 
 tleep sense of the valuable privileges we enjoy in living in this 
 age of mechanical invention. My curiosity, however, had not 
 beer?, altogether satisfied, and I resolved to prosecute immediate 
 inquiry among my acquaintances touching the Brevet Brigadier 
 General himself, and particularly respecting the tremendo. .
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. :j!9 
 
 events cpwrum pars magnafuit, during the Bugaboo and Kicka- 
 poo campaign. 
 
 Th Q first opportunity vhich presented itself, and which (hor~ 
 resco rejerens) I did not in the least scruple to seize, occurred 
 at the Church of the Reverend Doctor Drummummupp, where 
 I found myself established, one Sunday, just at sermon time, not 
 only in the pew, but by the side, of that worthy and communica- 
 tive little friend of mine, Miss Tabitha T. Thus seated, I con- 
 gratulated myself, and with much reason, upon the very flatter- 
 ing state of affairs. If any person knew anything about Brevet 
 Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith, that person, it was clear 
 to me, was Miss Tabitha T. We telegraphed a few signals, 
 and then commenced, sotto voce, a brisk tete-a-tete. 
 
 "Smith!" said she, in reply to my very earnest inquiry; 
 " Smith ! why, not General John A. B. C. ? Bless me, I 
 thought you knew all about him ! This is a wonderfully inven- 
 tive age ! Horrid affair that ! a bloody set of wretches, those 
 Kickapoos ! fought like a hero prodigies of valor immortal 
 renown. Smith ! Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. ! 
 why, you know he's the man" 
 
 " Man," here broke in Doctor Drummummupp, at the top of 
 his voice, and with a thump that came near knocking the pulpit 
 about our ears ; " man that is born of a woman hath but a short 
 time to live ; he cometh up and is cut down like a flower !" I 
 started to the extremity of the pew, and perceived by the ani- 
 mated looks of the divine, that the wrath which had nearly 
 proved fatal to the pulpit had been excited by the whispers of 
 the lady and myself. There was no help for it; so I submitted 
 with a good grace, and listened, in all the martyrdom of dignified 
 silence, to the balance of that very capital discourse. 
 
 Next evening found me a somewhat late visitor at the Ranti- 
 pole theatre, where I felt sure of satisfying my curiosity at once, 
 by merely stepping into the box of those exquisite specimens of 
 affability and omniscience, the Misses Arabelli and Miranda 
 Cognoscenti. That fine tragedian, Climax, was doing lago to a 
 very crowded house, and I experienced some little difficulty in 
 making my wishes understood ; especially, as our box was next 
 the slips, and completely overlooked the stage.
 
 320 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 
 
 " Smith ? " said Miss Arabella, as she at length comprehended 
 the purport of my query ; " Smith ? why, not General John 
 
 A. B. a?" 
 
 " Smith ? " inquired Miranda, musingly. " God bless me, did 
 you ever behold a finer figure ?" 
 
 " Never, madam, but do tell me" 
 
 "Or so inimitable grace?" 
 
 " Never, upon my word ! but pray inform me" 
 
 "Or so just an appreciation of stage effect?" 
 
 "Madam!" 
 
 " Or a more delicate sense of the true beauties of Shakes* 
 peare ? Be so good as to look at that leg ! " 
 
 " The devil ! " and I turned again to her sister. 
 
 "Smith?" said she, "why, not General John A. B. C. ? 
 Horrid affair that, wasn't it ? great wretches, those Bugaboos 
 savage and so on but we live in a wonderfully inventive age ! 
 Smith ! yes ! great man ! perfect desperado immortal 
 renown prodigies of valor! Never heard!" [This was given 
 in a scream.] " Bless my soul ! why, he's the man" 
 
 " mandragora 
 
 Nor all the drowsy syrups of the world 
 Shall ever medicine thee to that sweet sleep 
 Which thou owd'st yesterday !" 
 
 here roared out Climax just in my ear, and shaking his fist in 
 my face all the time, in a way that I couldn't stand, and I ivouldn't. 
 I left the Misses Cognoscenti immediately, went behind the 
 scenes forthwith, and gave the beggarly scoundrel such a thrash- 
 ing as I trust he will remember to the day of his death. 
 
 At the soiree of the lovely widow, Mrs. Kathleen O'Trump, I 
 was confident that I should meet with no similar disappointment. 
 Accordingly, I was no sooner seated at the card-table, with my 
 pretty hostess for a vis-a-vis, than I propounded those questions 
 the solution of which had become a matter so essential to my 
 peace. 
 
 " Smith ?" said my partner, " why, not General John A. B. C. ? 
 Horrid affair that, wasn't it ? diamonds, did you say ? terrible 
 wretches those Kinkapoos ! we are playing ivhist, if you please, 
 Mr. Tattle howe< :r, this is the age of invention, most certainly
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 331 
 
 the age. one may say the age par excellence speak French ? 
 oh, quite a hero perfect desperado ! no hearts, Mr. Tattle ? I 
 don't believe it ! immortal renown and all that prodigies of 
 valor! Never heard! ! why, bless me, he's the man" 
 
 " Mann ? Captain Mann ? " here screamed some little femi- 
 nine interloper from the farthest corner of the room. " Are you 
 talking about Captain Mann and the duel ? oh, I must hear do 
 tell go on, Mrs. O'Trump ! do now go on ! " And go on Mrs. 
 O'Trump did all about a certain Captain Mann, who was either 
 shot or hung, or should have been both shot and hung. Yes! 
 Mrs. O'Trump, she went on, and I I went off. There was no 
 chance of hearing anything farther that evening in regard to 
 Brevet Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. 
 
 Still I consoled myself with the reflection that the tide of ill 
 luck would not run against me forever, and so determined to 
 make a bold push for information at the rout of that bewitching 
 little angel, the graceful Mrs. Pirouette. 
 
 " Smith ? " said Mrs. P., as we twirled about together in a pas 
 de zephyr, " Smith ? why not General John A. B. C. ? Dread- 
 ful business that of the Bugaboos, wasn't it ? terrible creatures, 
 those Indians ! do turn out your toes ! I really am ashamed 
 of you man of great courage, poor fellow ! but this is a won 
 derful age for invention O dear me, I'm out of breath quite a 
 desperado prodigies of valor never heard! ! can't believe it 
 I shall have to sit down and enlighten you Smith ! why, he's 
 *he man" 
 
 l Man-Fred, I tell you!" here bawled out Miss Bas-Bleu, as 
 I lea Mrs. Pirouette to a seat. " Did ever anybody hear the 
 like ? It's Man-Fred, I say, and not at all by any means Man- 
 Friday." Here Miss Bas-Bleu beckoned to me in a very per- 
 emptory manner ; and I was obliged, will I nill I, to leave Mrs. 
 P. for the purpose of deciding a dispute touching the title of a 
 certain poetical drama of Lord Byron's. Although I pronounced, 
 with great promptness, that the true title was Man-Friday, and 
 not by any means Man-Fred, yet when I returned to seek Mrs. 
 Pirouette she was not .to be discovered, and I made my retreat 
 from the house in a very bitter spirit of animosity against ttw 
 whole race of the Bas-Bleus-
 
 322 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 
 
 Matters had now assumed a really serious aspect, and I resolv- 
 ed to ca.l at once upon my particular friend, Mr. Theodore Sini- 
 vate ; for I knew that here at least I should get something like 
 definite information. 
 
 " Smith ? " said he, in his well-known peculiar way of dra\\ 1- 
 in~ out his syllables ; " Smith ? why, not General John A . B 
 C. ? Savage affair that with the Kickapo-o-o-os, wasn't it ? 
 Say don't you think so ? perfect despera-a-ado great pity, 
 pon my honor ! wonderfully inventive age ! pro-o-odigies of 
 valor ! By the by, did you ever hear about Captain Ma-a-a-a-n ?" 
 
 " Captain Mann be d d ! " said I, " please to go on with your 
 story." 
 
 " Hem ! oh well ! quite la meme cho-o-ose, as we say in 
 France. Smith, eh ? Brigadier General John A B C. ? I 
 say" [here Mr. S. thought proper to put his linger to the side 
 of his nose] " I say, you don't mean to insinuate now, really 
 and truly, and conscientiously, that you don't know all about that 
 affair of Smith's, as well as I do, eh ? Smith ? John A B C. ? 
 Why, bless me, he's the ma-a-an" 
 
 " Mr. Sinivate," said I, imploringly, " is he the man in the 
 mask?" 
 
 " No-o-o !" said he, looking wise, " nor the man in the mo-o-on.'' 
 
 This reply I considered a pointed and positive insult, and so 
 left the house at once in high dudgeon, with a fii'm resolve to call 
 my friend, Mr. Sinivate, to a speedy account for his ungentle- 
 manly conduct and ill-breeding. 
 
 In the meantime, however, I had no notion of being thwarted 
 touching the information I desired. There was one resource left 
 me yet. I would go to the fountain-head. I would call forth- 
 with upon the General himself, and demand, in explicit terms, a 
 solution of this abominable piece of mystery. Here, at least, 
 there should be no chance for equivocation. I would be plain, 
 positive, peremptory as short as pie-crust as concise as Taci 
 tus or Montesquieu. 
 
 It was early when I called, and the General was dressing 
 but I pleaded urgent business, and was shown at once into his 
 bed-room by an old negro valet, who remained in attendance 
 during my visit. As I entered the chamber, I looked about, of
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 323 
 
 course, for the occupant, but did not immediately perceive him. 
 There was a large and exceedingly odd-looking bundle of some- 
 thing which lay close by my feet on the floor, and, as I was not 
 hi the best humor in the world, I gave it a kick out of the way. 
 
 " Hem ! ahem ! rather civil that, I should say !" said the bun- 
 dle, in one of the smallest, and altogether the funniest little 
 voices, between a squeak and a whistle, that I ever heard in all 
 the days of my existence. 
 
 " Ahem ! rather civil that, I should observe." 
 
 I fairly shouted with terror, and made off, at a tangent, into 
 the farthest extremity of the room. 
 
 " God bless me ! my dear fellow," here again whistled the 
 bundle, " what what what why, what is the matter ? I 
 really believe you don't know me at all." 
 
 What could I say to all this what could I ? I staggered into 
 an arm-chair, and, with staring eyes and open mouth, awaited 
 the solution of the wonder. 
 
 " Strange you shouldn't know me though, isn't it ?" presently 
 re-squeaked the nondescript, which I now perceived was per- 
 performing, upon the floor, some inexplicable evolution, very 
 analagous to the drawing on of a stocking. There was only a 
 single leg, however, apparent. 
 
 " Strange you shouldn't know me, though, isn't it ? Pornpey, 
 bring me that leg !" Here Pompey handed the bundle, a very 
 capital cork leg, already dressed, which it screwed on in a trice ; 
 and then it stood up before my eyes. 
 
 " And a bloody action it was" continued the thing, as if in a 
 soliloquy ; " but then one musn't fight with the Bugaboos and 
 Kickapoos, and think of coining off with a mere scratch. Pom- 
 pey, I'll thank you now for that arm. Thomas'' [turning to me] 
 " is decidedly the best hand at a cork leg ; but if you should 
 ever want an arm, my dear fellow, you must really let nie 
 recommend you to Bishop." Here Pompey screwed on an arm 
 
 " We had rather hot work of it, that you may say. Now, you 
 3og, slip on my shoulders and bosom ! Pettitt makes the best 
 shoulders, but for a bosom you will have to go to Ducrow." 
 
 " Bosom !" said I. 
 
 " Pompey, will you never be ready with that wig ? Scalping
 
 324 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 
 
 ri a rough process after all; but then you can procure such 
 capital scratch at De L'Orme's." 
 
 " Scratch !" 
 
 " Now, you nigger, my teeth ! For a good set of these you 
 had better go to Family's at once ; high prices, but excellent 
 work. I swallowed some very capital articles, though, when 
 the big Bugaboo rammed me down with the but end of his 
 rifle." 
 
 " Butt end ! ram down ! ! my eye ! ! " 
 
 " O yes, by-the-by, my eye here, Pompey, you scamp, screw 
 it in ! Those Kickapoos are not so very slow at a gouge ; but 
 he's a belied man, that Dr. Williams, after all ; you can't im- 
 agine how well I see with the eyes of his make." 
 
 I now began very clearly to perceive that the object before me 
 was nothing more nor less than my new acquaintance. Brevet 
 Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith. The manipulations of 
 Pompey had made, I must confess, a very striking difference in 
 the appearance of the personal man. The voice, however, still 
 puzzled me no little ; but even this apparent mystery was speed- 
 ily cleared up. 
 
 " Pompey, you black rascal," squeaked the General, " I really 
 do believe you would let me go out without my palate." 
 
 Hereupon the negro, grumbling out an apology, went up to his 
 master, opened his mouth with the knowing air of a horse-jockey, 
 and adjusted therein a somewhat singular-looking machine, in a 
 very dexterous manner, that I could not altogether comprehend. 
 The alteration, however, in the entire expression of the General's 
 countenance was instantaneous and surprising. When he again 
 spoke, his voice had resumed all that rich melody and strength 
 which I had noticed upon our original introduction. 
 
 " D n the vagabonds ! " said he, in so clear a tone that I posi- 
 tively started at the change, " D n the vagabonds ! they not 
 only knocked in the roof of my mouth, but took the trouble to 
 cut off at least seven-eighths of my tongue. There is'nt Bon- 
 fanti's equal, however, in America, for really good articles of this 
 description. I can recommend you to him with confidence," 
 [here the General bowed,] and assure you *hat 1 have the great- 
 est pleasure in so doing."
 
 THE MAN THAT WAS USED UP. 325 
 
 I acknowledged his kindness in my best manner, and took leave 
 of him at once, with a perfect understanding of the true state 
 of affairs with a full comprehension of the mystery which had 
 troubled me so long. It was evident. It was a clear case. Brevet 
 
 Brigadier General John A. B. C. Smith was the man was 
 
 the man that was used up.
 
 THE BUSINESS MAN. 
 
 Method is the soul of business. OLD SATING. 
 
 I AM a business man. I am a methodical man. Method ia 
 the thing, after all. But there are no people I more heartily 
 despise, than your eccentric fools who prate about method with- 
 out understanding it ; attending strictly to its letter, and violating 
 its spirit. These fellows are always doing the most out-of-the- 
 way things in what they call an orderly manner. Now here I 
 conceive is a positive paradox. True method appertains to the 
 ordinary and the obvious alone, and cannot be applied to the 
 outre. What definite idea can a body attach to such expressions 
 as " methodical Jack o' Dandy," or " a systematical Will o' the 
 Wisp ?" . 
 
 My notions upon this head might not have been so clear as they 
 are, but for a fortunate accident which happened to me when I 
 was a very little boy. A good-hearted old Irish nurse (whom I 
 shall not forget in my will) took me up one day by the heels, 
 w r hen I was making more noise than was necessary, and, swing- 
 ing me round two or three times, d d my eyes for " a skreek- 
 
 ing little spalpeen," and then knocked my head into a cocked hat 
 against the bed-post. This, I say, decided my fate, and made my 
 fortune. A bump arose at once on my sinciput, and turned out 
 to be as pretty an organ of order as one shall see on a summer's 
 day. Hence that positive appetite for system and regularity 
 which has made me the distinguished man of business that I am. 
 
 If there is any thing on earth I hate, it is a genius. Your 
 geniuses are all arrant asses -the greater the xrenius the greater
 
 METHOD IS THE SOUL OF BUSINESS. 32? 
 
 the ass And to this rule there is no exception whatever. Espe- 
 cially, you cannot make a man of business out of a genius, any 
 more than money out of a Jew, or the best nutmegs out of pine- 
 knots. The creatures are always going off at a tangent into some 
 fantastic employment, or ridiculous speculation, entirely at vari- 
 ance with the " fitness of things," and having no business what- 
 ever to be considered as a business at all. Thus you may tell 
 these characters immediately by the nature of their occupations. 
 If you ever perceive a man setting up as a merchant or a manu- 
 facturer ; or going into the cotton or tobacco trade, or any of 
 those eccentric pursuits ; or getting to be a dry-goods dealer, or 
 soap-boiler, or something of that kind ; or pretending to be a 
 lawyer, or a blacksmith, or a physician anything out of the 
 usual way you may set him down at once as a genius, and then, 
 according to the rule-of-three, he's an ass. 
 
 Now I am not in any respect a genius, but a regular business 
 man. My Day-book and Ledger will evince this in a minute. 
 They are well kept, though I say it myself; and, in my general 
 habits of accuracy and punctuality, I am not to be beat by a 
 clock. Moreover, my occupations have been always made to 
 chime in with the ordinary habitudes of my fellow-men. Not 
 that I feel the least indebted, upon this score, to my exceedingly 
 weak-minded parents, who, beyond doubt, would have made an 
 arrant genius of me at last, if my guardian angel had not come, 
 in good time, to the rescue. In biography the truth is every 
 thing, and in auto-biography it is especially so yet I scarcely 
 hope to be believed when I state, however solemnly, that my 
 poor father put me, when I was about fifteen years of age, into 
 the counting-house of what he termed " a respectable hardware 
 and commission merchant doing a capital bit of business !" A 
 capital bit of fiddlestick ! However, the consequence of this 
 folly was, that in two or three days, I had to be sent home to 
 my button-headed family in a high state of fever, and with a most 
 violent and dangerous pain in the sinciput, all round about my 
 organ of order. It was nearly a gone case with me then just 
 touch-and-go for six weeks the physicians giving me up and all 
 that sort of thing. But, although I suffered much, I was a
 
 328 METHOD IS THE SUUL OF BUSINESS. 
 
 thankful boy in the main. I was saved from being a "respecta- 
 ble hardware and commission merchant, doing a capital bit of 
 business," and I felt grateful to the protuberance which had been 
 the means of my salvation, as well as to the kind-hearted female 
 who had originally put these means within my reach. 
 
 The most of boys run away from home at ten or twelve years 
 of age, but I waited till I was sixteen. I don't know that I 
 should have gone, even then, if I had not happened to hear my 
 old mother talk about setting me up on my own hook in the 
 grocery way. The grocery way ! only think of that ! I resolved 
 to be off forthwith, and try and establish myself in some decent oc- 
 cupation, without dancing attendance any longer upon the capri- 
 ces of these eccentric old people, and running the risk of being 
 made a genius of in the end. In this project I succeeded per- 
 fectly well at the first effort, and by the time I was fairly eigh- 
 teen, found myself doing an extensive and profitable business iu 
 the Tailor's Walking- Advertisement line. 
 
 I was enabled to discharge the onerous duties of this profession, 
 only by that rigid adherence to system which formed the leading 
 feature of my mind. A scrupulous method characterized my 
 actions as well as my accounts. In my case, it was method 
 not money which made the man : at least all of him that was 
 not made by the tailor whom I served. At nine, every morning, 
 I called upon that individual for the clothes of the day. Ten 
 o'clock found me in some fashionable promenade or other place 
 of public amusement. The precise regularity with which I turned 
 my handsome person about, so as to bring successively into view 
 every portion of the suit upon my back, was the admiration of 
 all the knowing men in the trade. Noon never passed without 
 my bringing home a customer to the house of my employers, 
 Messrs. Cut and Comeagain. I say this proudly, but with tears 
 in my eyes for the firm proved themselves the basest of ingrates. 
 The little account about which we quarrelled and finally parted, 
 cannot, in any item, be thought overcharged, by gentleman really 
 conversant with the nature of the business. Upon this point 
 however, I feel a degree of proud satisfaction in permitting the 
 reader to judge for himself. My bill ran thus :
 
 THE BUSINESS MAN. 329 
 
 Messrs. Cut and Comeagain. Merchant Tailors. 
 
 To Peter Profit, Walking Advertiser, Dre. 
 
 July 10. To promenade, as usual, and customer brought homo, $00 25 
 
 July 11. To do do do 25 
 
 July 12, To one lie, second class ; damaged black cloth sold for 
 
 invisible green, 25 
 
 'uly 13. To one lie, first class, extra quality and size ; recom- 
 mending milled sattinet as broadcloth, 75 
 
 July 20. To purchasing bran new paper shirt collar or dickey, 
 
 to set off gray Petersham, 2 
 
 Aug. 15. To wearing double-padded bobtail frock, (thermome- 
 ter 706 in the shade,) 25 
 
 Aug 16 Standing on one leg three hours, to show off new- 
 style strapped pants at 12 cents per leg per hour, 37J 
 
 Aug. 17. To promenade, as usual, and large customer brought 
 
 (fat man,) 50 
 
 Aug. 18. To do do (medium size,) 25 
 
 Aug 19. To do do (small man and bad pay,) 6 
 
 $2 96i 
 
 The item chiefly disputed in this bill was the very moderate 
 charge of two pennies for the dickey. Upon my word of honor, 
 this was not an unreasonable price for that dickey. It was one 
 of the cleanest and prettiest little dickeys I ever saw ; and I 
 have good reason to believe that it effected the sale of three Pe- 
 tershams. The elder partner of the firm, however, would allow 
 me only one penny of the charge, and took it upon himself to 
 show in what manner four of the same sized conveniences could 
 be got out of a sheet of foolscap. But it is needless to say that 
 I stood upon the principle of the thing. Business is business, 
 and should be done in a business way. There was no system 
 whatever in swindling me out of a penny a clear fraud of fifty 
 per cent. no method in any respect. I left at once the employ- 
 ment of Messrs. Cut and Comeagain, and set up in the Eye-Sore 
 line by myself one of the most lucrative, respectable and inde- 
 pendent of the ordinary occupations. 
 
 My strict integrity, economy, and rigorous business habits, here 
 again came into play. I found myself driving a flourishing trade, 
 and soon became a marked man upon ' Change.' The truth is, I 
 never dabbled ii flashy matters, but jogged on in the good old
 
 330 THE BUSINESS MAN. 
 
 Bober routine of the calling- a calling in which I should, no 
 doubt, have remained to the present hour, but for a little accident 
 which happened to me in the prosecution of one of the usual busi- 
 ness operations of the profession. Whenever a rich old hunks, 
 or prodigal heir, or bankrupt corporation, gets into the notion of 
 putting up a palace, there is no such thing in the world as stop 
 ping either of them, and this every intelligent person knows. The 
 fact in question is indeed the basis of the Eye-Sore trade. As soon, 
 therefore, as a building project is fairly afoot by one of these par- 
 ties, we merchants secure a nice corner of the lot in contempla- 
 tion, or a prime little situation just adjoining or right in front. 
 This done r we wait until the palace is half-way up, and then we 
 pay some tasty architect to run us up an ornamental mud hovel, 
 right against it ; or a Down-East or Dutch Pagoda, or a pig-sty, 
 or an ingenious little bit of fancy work, either Esquimau, Kicka- 
 poo, or Hottentot. Of course, we can't afford to take these 
 structures down under a bonus of five hundred per cent, upon 
 the prime cost of our lot and plaster. Can we ? I ask the 
 question. I ask it of business men. It would be irrational to 
 suppose that we can. And yet there was a rascally corporation 
 which asked me to do this very thing this very thing ! I did 
 not reply to their absurd proposition, of course ; but I felt it a 
 duty to go that same night, and lamp-black the whole of their 
 palace. For this, the unreasonable villains clapped me into jail ; 
 and the gentlemen of the Eye-Sore trade could not well avoid 
 cutting my connection when I came out. 
 
 The Assault and Battery business, into which I was now forced 
 to adventure for a livelihood, was somewhat ill-adapted to the 
 delicate nature of my constitution ; but I went to work in it with 
 a good heart, and found my account, here as heretofore, in those 
 stern habits of methodical accuracy which had been thumped 
 into me by that delightful old nurse I would indeed be the 
 basest of men not to remember her well in my will. By observ- 
 ing, as I say, the strictest system in all my dealings, and keeping 
 a well-regulated Bet of books, I was enabled to get over many 
 serious difficulties, and, in the end, to establish myself very 
 decently in the profession. The truth is, that few individuals, in 
 any line, did a snugger little business than I. I will just copy a
 
 THE BUSINESS MAN. 331 
 
 page or so out of my Day-Book ; and this will save me the 
 necessity of blowing my own trumpet a contemptible practice, 
 of which PO high-minded man will be guilty. Now, the Day- 
 Book is a ihing that don't lie. 
 
 u Jan. 1. New Year's day. Met Snap in the street, groggy. 
 Mem he'll do. Met Gruff shortly afterwards, blind drunk. 
 Mem he'll answer too. Entered both gentlemen in my Ledger, 
 and opened a running account with each. 
 
 " Jan 2. Saw Snap at the Exchange, and went up and trod on 
 his toe. Doubled his fist and knocked me down. Good ! got 
 up again. Some trifling difficulty with Bag, my attorney. I 
 want the damages at a thousand, but he says that, for so simple 
 a knock-down, we can't lay them at more than five hundred. 
 Mem must get rid of Bag no system at all. 
 
 " Jan. 3. Went to the theatre, to look for Gruff. Saw him 
 sitting in a side box, in the second tier, between a fat lady and a 
 lean one. Quizzed the whole party through an opera-glass, till 
 I saw the fat lady blush and whisper to G. Went round, then, 
 ir.to the box, and put my nose within reach of his hand. Wouldn't 
 pull it no go. Blew it, and tried again no go. Sat down 
 then, and winked at the lean lady, when I had the high satisfac- 
 tion of finding him lift me up by the nape of the neck, and fling 
 me over into the pit. Neck dislocated, and right leg capitally 
 splintered. Went home in high glee, drank a bottle of cham- 
 pagne, and booked the young man for five thousand. Bag says 
 it'll do. 
 
 " Feb. 15. Compromised the case of Mr. Snap. Amount 
 entered in Journal fifty cents which see. 
 
 " Feb. 16. Cast by that villain, Gruff, who made me a present 
 of five dollars. Costs of suit, four dollars and twenty-five cents. 
 Nett profit see Journal seventy-five cents." 
 
 Now, here is a clear gain, in a very brief period, of no less 
 than one dollar and twenty five cents this is in the mere cases 
 of Snap and Gruff; and I solemnly assure the reader that these 
 extracts are taken at random from my Day-Book. 
 
 It's an old saying, and a true one, however, that money is 
 nothing in comparison with health. I found the exactions of 
 the profession somewhat too much for my delicate state of body ;
 
 332 THE BUSINESS MAN. 
 
 and, discovering, at last, that I was knocked all out of shape, so 
 tbat I did't know very well what to make of the matter, and so 
 that my friends, when they met me in the street, could'nt tell 
 that I was Peter Profit at all, it occurred to me that the best 
 expedient I could adopt, was to alter my line of business. I 
 turned my attention, therefore, to Mud-Dabbling, and continued 
 it for some years. 
 
 The worst of this occupation, is, that too many people take a 
 fancy to it, and the competition is in consequence excessive. 
 Every ignoramus of a fellow who finds that he hasn't brains in 
 sufficient quantity to make his way as a walking advertiser, or 
 an eye-sore-prig, or a salt and batter man, thinks, of course, that 
 he'll answer very well as a dabbler of mud. But there never 
 was entertained a more erroneous idea than that it requires no 
 brains to mud-dabble. Especially, there is nothing to be made in 
 this way without method. I did only a retail business myself, 
 but my old habits of system carried me swimmingly along. I 
 selected my street-crossing, in the first place, with great 
 deliberation, and I never put down a broom in any part of the 
 town but that. I took care, too, to have a nice little puddle at 
 hand, which I could get at in a minute. By these means I got 
 to be well known as a man to be trusted ; and this is one-half 
 the battle, let me tell you, in trade. Nobody ever failed to 
 pitch me a copper, and got over my crossing with a clean pair of 
 pantaloons. And, as my business habits, in this respect, were 
 sufficiently understood, I never met with any attempt at imposi- 
 tion. I would'nt have put up with it, if I had. Never imposing 
 upon any one myself, I suffered no one to play the possum with 
 me. The frauds of the banks of course I could'nt help. Their 
 suspenskn put me to ruinous inconvenience. These, however, 
 are not individuals, but corporations ; and corporations, it is very 
 well known, have neither bodies to be kicked, nor souls to be 
 damned. 
 
 I was making money at this business, when, in an evil mo- 
 ment, I was induced to merge in the Cur-Spattering a some- 
 what analogous, but, by no means, so respectable a profession 
 My location, to be sure, was an excellent one, being central, and 
 I had capital blacking and brushes. My little dog, too, was
 
 THE BUSINESS MAN 333 
 
 quite tat and up to all varieties of snuff. He had been in the 
 trade a long time, and, I may say, understood it. Our general 
 routine was this ; Pompey, having rolled himself well in the 
 mud, sat upon end at the shop door, until he observed a dandy 
 approaching in bright boots. He then proceeded to meet him, 
 and gave the Wellingtons a rub or two with his wool. Then 
 the dandy swore very much, and looked about for a boot-black. 
 There I was, full in his view, with blacking and brushes. It 
 was only a minute's work, and then came a sixpence. This did 
 moderately well for a time ; in fact, I was not avaricious, but 
 my dog was. I allowed him a third of the profit, but he was 
 advised to insist upon half. This I could'nt stand so we 
 quarrelled and parted. 
 
 I next tried my hand at the Organ-grinding for a while, and 
 may say that I made out pretty well. It is a plain, straight- 
 forward business, and requires no particular abilities. You can 
 get a music-mill for a mere song, and, to put it 'in order, you 
 have but to open the works, and give them three or four smart 
 raps with a hammer. It improves the tone of the thing, for 
 business purposes, more than you can imagine. This done, you 
 have only to stroll along, with the mill on your back, until you 
 see tan-bark in the street, and a knocker wrapped up in buck- 
 skin. Then you stop and grind ; looking as if you meant to stop 
 and grind till doomsday. Presently a window opens, and some- 
 body pitches you a sixpence, with a request to " Hush up and 
 go on," &c. I am aware that some grinders have actually 
 afforded to " go on" for this sum ; but for my part, I found the 
 necessary outlay of capital too great, to permit of my " going on" 
 under a shilling. 
 
 At this occupation I did a good deal ; but, somehow, I was 
 n!)t quite satisfied, and so finally abandoned it. The truth is, I 
 labored under the disadvantage of having no monkey and 
 American streets are so muddy, and a Democratic rabble is so 
 obtrusive, and so full of demnition mischievous little boys. 
 
 I was now out of employment for some months, but at lengt?i 
 succeeded, by dint of great interest, in procuring a situation in 
 the Sham-Post. The duties, here, are simple, and not altogether 
 unprofitable. For example : very early in the morning I had
 
 &)4 THE BUSINESS WANT- 
 
 to make up my packet of sham letters. Upon the inside of jaeh 
 of these I had to scrawl a few lines on any subject which 
 occurred tome as sufficiently mysterious signing all t lie epistles 
 Tom Dobson, or Bobby Tompkins, or anything in that way. 
 Having folded and sealed all, and stamped them with sham post- 
 marks New Orleans, Bengal, Botany Bay, or any other place 
 a great way off I set out, forthwith, upon my daily route, as if 
 in a very great hurry. I always called at the big houses to 
 deliver the letters, and receive the postage. Nobody hesitates 
 at paying for a letter especially for a double one people are 
 such fools and it was no trouble to get round a corner before 
 there was time to open the epistles. The worst of this pro- 
 fession was, that I had to walk so much and so fast ; and so 
 frequently to vary my route. Besides, I had serious scruples 
 of conscience. I can't bear to hear innocent individuals abused 
 and the way the whole town took to cursing Tom Dobson and 
 Bobby Tompkins, was really awful to hear. I washed my hands 
 of the matter in disgust. 
 
 My eighth and last speculation has been in the Cat-Growing 
 way. I have found this a most pleasant and lucrative business, 
 and, really, no trouble at all. The country, it is well known, 
 has become infested with cats so much so of late, that a petition 
 for relief, most numerously and respectably signed, was brought 
 before the legislature at its late memorable session. The 
 assembly, at this epoch, was unusually well-informed, and, 
 having passed many other wise and wholesome enactments, it 
 crowned all with the Cat-Act. In its original form, this law 
 offered a premium for cat-heads, (fourpence a-piece) but the 
 Senate succeeded in amending the main clause, so as to substi- 
 tute the word "tails" for "heads." This amendment was so 
 obviously proper, that the house concurred in it nem. con. 
 
 As soon as the Governor had signed the bill, I invested my 
 whole estate in the purchase of Toms and Tabbies. At first, I could 
 only afford to feed them upon mice (which are cheap), but they 
 fulfilled the Scriptural injunction at so marvellous a rate, that I 
 at length considered it my best policy to be liberal, and so indulged 
 them in oysters and turtle. Their tails, at a legislative price, now 
 bring me in a good income ; for I have discovered a way, in
 
 THE BUSINESS MAN, 335 
 
 which, by means of Macassar oil, I can force three crops in a 
 year. It delights me to find, too, that the animals soon get 
 accustomed to the thing, and would rather have the appendages 
 cut off than o:herwise. I consider, myself, therefore, a made 
 man, and am bargaining for a country seat on the Hudson
 
 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 
 
 The garden like a lady fair was cut, 
 
 That lay as if she slumbered in delight, 
 And to the open skies her eyes did shut ; 
 
 The azure fields of heaven were 'sembled right 
 
 In a large round set with the flow'rs of light : 
 The flowers de luce and the round sparks of dew 
 That hung upon their azure leaves, did show 
 Like twinkling stars that sparkle in the ev'ning blue. 
 
 GILES FLETCHER 
 
 No more remarkable man ever lived than my friend, the young 
 Ellison. He was remarkable in the entire and continuous pro- 
 fusion of good gifts ever lavished upon him by fortune. From 
 his cradle to his grave, a gale of the blandest prosperity bore 
 him along. Nor do I use the word Prosperity in its mere 
 worldly or external sense. I mean it as synonymous with hap- 
 piness. The person of whom I speak, seemed born for the pur- 
 pose of foreshadowing the wild doctrines of Turgot, Price* 
 Priestly, and Condorcet of exemplifying, by individual instance, 
 what has been deemed the mere chimera of the perfectionists. 
 In the brief existence of Ellison, I fancy that I have seen refuted 
 the dogma that in man's physical and spiritual nature, lies somy 
 hidden principle, the antagonist of Bliss. An intimate and 
 anxious examination of his career, has taught me to understand 
 that, in general, from the violation of a few simple laws of 
 Humanity, arises the Wretchedness of mankind ; that, as a 
 species, we have in our possession the as yet unwrought elements 
 of Content ; and that, even now, in the present blindness and 
 darkness of all idea on the great question of the Social Condi- 
 tion, it is not impossible that Man, the individual, under certain 
 unusual and highly fortuitous conditions, may be happy.
 
 337 
 
 With opinions such as these was my young friend fully im- 
 bued ; and thus is it especially worthy of observation that the 
 uninterrupted enjoyment which distinguished his life was in great 
 part the result of preconcert. It is, indeed, evident, that with 
 less of the instinctive philosophy which, now and then, stands so 
 well in the stead of experience, Mr. Ellison would have found 
 himself precipitated, by the very extraordinary successes of his 
 life, into the common vortex of Unhappiness which yawns foi 
 those of pre-eminent endowments. But it is by no means my 
 present object to pen an essay on Happiness. The ideas of my 
 friend may be summed up in a few words. He admitted but 
 four unvarying laws, or rather elementary principles, of Bliss. 
 That which he considered chief, was (strange to say !) the simple 
 and purely physical one of free exercise in the open air. " The 
 health," he said, " attainable by other means than this is scarcely 
 worth the name." He pointed to the tillers of the earth the 
 only people who, as a class, are proverbially more happy than 
 ethers and then he instanced the high ecstacies of the fox- 
 hunter. His second principle was the love of woman. His third 
 was the contempt of ambition. His fourth was an object of 
 unceasing pursuit ; and he held that, other things being equal, 
 the extent of happiness was proportioned to the spirituality of 
 this object. 
 
 I have said that Ellison was remarkable in the continuous 
 profusion of good gifts lavished upon him by Fortune. In per- 
 sonal grace and beauty he exceeded all men. His intellect 
 was of that order to which the attainment of knowledge is less a 
 labor than a necessity and an intuition. His family was one of 
 the most illustrious of the empire. His bride was the loveliest 
 and most devoted of women. His possessions had been always 
 ample ; but, upon the attainment of his one and twentieth year, 
 it was discovered that one of those extraordinary freaks of Fate 
 had been played in his behalf, which startle the whole social 
 world amid which they occur, and seldom fail radically to alter 
 the entire moral constitution of those who are their objects. It 
 appears that about one hundred years prior to Mr. Ellison's 
 attainment of his majority, there had died, in a remote province, 
 ono Mr. Seabright Ellison. This gentleman had amassed a
 
 338 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 
 
 princely fortune, and, having no very immediate connections, 
 conceived the whim of suffering his wealth to accumulate for a 
 century after his decease. Minutely and sagaciously directing 
 the various modes of investment, he bequeathed the aggregate 
 amount to the nearest of blood, bearing the name Ellison, who 
 should be alive at the end of the hundred years. Many futile 
 attempts had been made to set aside this singular bequest ; their 
 ex post facto character rendered them abortive; but the atten- 
 tion of a jealous government was aroused, and a decree finally 
 obtained, forbidding all similar accumulations. This act did not 
 prevent young Ellison, upon his twenty-first birth-day, from 
 entering into possession, as the heir of his ancestor Seabright, of 
 a fortune of four hundred and fifty millions of dollars.* 
 
 When it had become definitely known that such was the enor- 
 mous wealth inherited, there were, of course, many speculations 
 %s to the mode of its disposal. The gigantic magnitude and the 
 mmediately available nature of the sum, dazzled and bewilder- 
 rd all who thought upon the topic. The possessor of any appre- 
 ciable amount of money might have been imagined to perform 
 any one of a thousand things. With riches merely surpassing 
 those of any citizen, it would have been easy to suppose him 
 engaging to supreme excess in the fashionable extravagances of 
 his time ; or busying himself with political intrigues ; or aiming 
 at ministerial power; or purchasing increase of nobility;, or 
 devising gorgeous architectural piles ; or collecting large speci- 
 mens of Virtu ; or playing the munificent patron of Letters and 
 Art; or endowing and bestowing his name upon extensive insti- 
 tutions of charity. But, for the inconceivable wealth in the 
 actual possession of the young heir, these objects and all ordi- 
 nary objects were felt to be inadequate. Recourse was had 10 
 figures; and figures but sufficed to confound. It was seen, that 
 
 * An incident similar in outline to the one here imagined, occurred, not 
 very long ago. in England. The namp of the fortunate heir (who still lives,) 
 is Thelluson. I first saw an account of this matter in the '' Tour" of Prince 
 1'uckler Muskau. He makes the sum received ninety millions of pounds, 
 and observes, with much force, that " in the contemplation of so vast a sum, 
 and of the services to which it might be applied, there is something even of 
 the sublime." To suit the views of this article, I have followed the Prince's 
 statement a grossly exaggerated one, no doubt
 
 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 339 
 
 even at three per cent., the annual income of the inheritance 
 amounted to no less than thirteen millions and five hundred 
 thousand dollars ; which was one million and one hundred and 
 twenty-five thousand per month ; or thirty-six thousand, nine 
 hundred and eighty-six per day ; or one thousand five huudred 
 and forty-one per hour ; or six and twenty dollars for every 
 minute that flew. Thus, th'e usual track of supposition was 
 thoroughly broken up. Men knew not what to imagine. There 
 were some who even conceived that Mr. Ellison would divest 
 himself forthwith of at least two-thirds of his fortune as of 
 utterly superfluous opulence ; enriching whole troops of his rela 
 tives by division of his superabundance. 
 
 I was not surprised, however, to perceive that he had long 
 made up his mind upon a topic which had occasioned so much 
 of discussion to his friends. Nor was I greatly astonished at 
 the nature of his decision. In the widest and noblest sense, he 
 was a poet. He comprehended, moreover, the true character, 
 the august aims, the supreme majesty and dignity of the poetic 
 sentiment. The proper gratification of the sentiment he in- 
 stinctively felt to lie in the creation of novel forms of Beauty. 
 Some peculiarities, either in his early education, or in the nature 
 of his intellect, had tinged with what is termed materialism the 
 whole cast of his ethical speculations ; and it was this bias, per- 
 haps, which imperceptibly led him to perceive that the most 
 advantageous, if not the sole legitimate field for the exercise of 
 the poetic sentiment, was to be found in the creation of novel 
 moods of purely physical loveliness. Thus it happened that he- 
 became neither musician nor poet ; if we use this latter term in 
 its every-day acceptation. Or it might have been that he be- 
 came neither the one nor the other, in pursuance of an idea of 
 his which I have already mentioned the idea, that in the con- 
 tempt of ambition lay one of the essential principles of happi- 
 ness on earth. Is it not, indeed, possible that while a high order 
 of genius is necessarily ambitious, the highest is invariably above 
 that which is termed ambition ? And may it not thus happen 
 that many far greater than Milton, have contentedly remained 
 ' mute and inglorious ?" I believe that the world has never yet 
 seen, and that, unless through some series of accidents goading
 
 340 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 
 
 the noblest order of mind into distasteful exertion, the world 
 will never behold that full extent of triumphant execution, in the 
 richer productions of Art, of which the human nature is abso- 
 lutely capable. 
 
 Mr. Ellison became neither musician nor poet ; although no 
 man lived more profoundly enamored both of Music and the 
 Muse. Under other circumstances than those which invested 
 him, it is not impossible that he would have become a painter. 
 The li'eld of sculpture, although in its nature rigidly poetical, 
 was too limited in its extent and in its consequences, to have 
 occupied, at any time, much of his attention. And I have now 
 mentioned all the provinces in which even the most liberal un- 
 derstanding of the poetic sentiment has declared this sentiment 
 capable of expatiating. I mean the most liberal public or recog- 
 nized conception of the idea involved in the phrase " poetic sen- 
 timent." But Mr. Ellison imagined that the richest, and alto- 
 gether the most natural and most suitable province, had been 
 blindly neglected. No definition had spoken of the Landscape- 
 Gardener, as of the poet ; yet my friend could not fail to per- 
 ceive that the creation of the Landscape- Garden offered to the 
 true muse the most magnificent of opportunities. Here was, 
 indeed, the fairest field for the display of invention, or imagina- 
 tion, in the endless combining of forms of novel Beauty ; the 
 elements which should enter into combination being, at all times, 
 and by a vast superiority, the most glorious which the earth 
 could afford. In the multiform of the tree, and in the multicolor 
 of the flower, he recognized the most direct and the most 
 energetic efforts of Nature at physical loveliness. And in tho 
 direction Or concentration of this effort, or, still more properly, 
 in its adaptation to the eyes which were to behold it upon earth, 
 he perceived that he should be employing the best means 
 laboring to the greatest advantage in the fulfilment of his 
 destiny as Poet. 
 
 " Its adaptation to the eyes which were to behold it upon 
 earth." In his explanation of this phraseology, Mr. Ellison did 
 much towards solving what has always seemed to me an enigma, 
 I mean the fact (which none but the ignorant dispute), that no 
 such combinations of scenery exist in Nature as the painter of
 
 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 341 
 
 genius has in his power to produce. No such Paradises are to 
 be found in reality as have glowed upon the canvass of Claude. 
 In the most enchanting of natural landscapes, there will always 
 be found a defect or an excess many excesses and defects 
 While th'e component parts may exceed, individually, the highest 
 skill of the artist, the arrangement of the parts will always be 
 susceptible of improvement. In short, no position can be at- 
 tained, from which an artistical eye, looking steadily, will not 
 find matter of offence, in what is technically termed the composi 
 tion of a natural landscape. And yet how unintelligible is this 
 In all other matters we are justly instructed to regard Nature as 
 supreme. With her details we shrink from competition. Who 
 shall presume to imitate the colors of the tulip, or to improve 
 he proportions of the lily of the valley ? The criticism which 
 says, of sculpture or of portraiture, that " Nature is to be ex- 
 alted rather than imitated," is in error. No pictorial or sculp- 
 tural combinations of points of human loveliness, do more than 
 approach the living and breathing human beauty as it gladdens 
 our daily path. Byron, who often erred, erred not in saying, 
 
 I've seen more living beauty, ripe and real, 
 Than all the nonsense of their stone ideal. 
 
 In landscape alone is the principle of the critic true ; and, hav- 
 ing felt its truth here, it is but the headlong spirit of generaliza- 
 tion which has induced him to pronounce it true throughout all 
 the domains of Art. Having, I say, felt its truth here. For 
 the feeling is no affectation or chimera. The mathematics 
 alToid no more absolute demonstrations, than the sentiment of his 
 Art yields to the artist. He not only believes, but positively 
 knoics, that such and such apparently arbitrary arrangements of 
 matter, or form, constitute, and alone constitute, the true Beauty. 
 Yet his reasons have not yet been matured into expression. It 
 remains for a more profound analysis than the world has yet 
 seen, fully to investigate and express them. Nevertheless is he 
 confirmed in his instinctive opinions, by the concurrence of all 
 his compeers. Let a composition be defective; let an emenda- 
 tion be wrought in its mere arrangement of form ; lot this emen- 
 dation be submitted to every artist in the world ; by each will
 
 S42 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 
 
 its necessity be admitted. And even far more than this; in 
 remedy of the defective composition, each insulated member of 
 the fraternity will suggest the identical emendation. 
 
 I repeat that in landscape arrangements, or collocations alone, 
 is the physical Nature susceptible of " exaltation," and that, 
 therefore, her susceptibility of improvement at this one point, 
 was a mystery which, hitherto I had been unable to solve. -It 
 was Mr. Ellison who first suggested the idea that what we 
 regarded as improvement or exaltation of the natural beauty, 
 was really such, as respected only the mortal or human point of 
 I'fc'ic : that each alteration or disturbance of the primitive scenery 
 might possibly effect a blemish in the picture, if we could sup- 
 pose this picture viewed at large from some remote point in th"- 
 Leavens. ; ' It is easily understood," says Mr. Ellison, " that 
 what might improve a closely scrutinized detail, might, at the 
 same time, injure a general and more distantly-observed effect." 
 lie spoke upon this topic with warmth : regarding not so much 
 its immediate or obvious importance, (which is little,) as the 
 character of the conclusions to which it might lead, or of the 
 collateral propositions which it might serve to corroborate or 
 sustain. There might be a class of beings, human once, but now 
 to humanity invisible, for whose scrutiny, and for whose refined 
 appreciation of the beautiful, more especially than for our own, 
 had been set in order by God the great landscape-garden of the 
 whole earth. 
 
 In the course of our discussion, my young friend took occasion 
 to quote some passages from a writer who has been supposed to 
 have well treated this theme. 
 
 " There are, properly," he writes, " but two styles of landscape- 
 gardening, the natural and the artificial. One seeks to recall 
 the original beauty of the country, by adapting its means to the 
 surrounding scenery; cultivating trees in harmony with the 
 hills or plain of the neighboring land ; detecting and bringing 
 into practice those nice relations of size, proportion, and color 
 which, hid from the common observer, are revealed everywhere 
 to the experienced student of nature. The result of the natural 
 style of gardening, is seen rather in the absence of all defects 
 and incongruities^-in the prevalence of a beautiful harmony and
 
 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 343 
 
 order, than in the creation of any special wonders or miracles. 
 The artificial style has as many varieties as there are different 
 tastes to gratify. It has a certain general relatijn to the various 
 styles of building. There are the stately avenues and retire- 
 ments of Versailles ; Italian terraces ; and a various mixed old 
 English style, which bears some relation to the domestic Gothic 
 or English Elizabethan architecture. Whatever may be said 
 against the abuses of the artificial landscape-gardening, a mix- 
 ture of pure arf in a garden scene, adds to it a great beauty. 
 This is partly pleasing to the eye, by the show of order and 
 design, and partly moral. A terrace, with an old moss-covered 
 balustrade, calls up at once to the eye, the fair forms that have 
 passed there in other days. The slightest exhibition of art is an 
 evidence of care and human interest." 
 
 " From what I have already observed," said Mr. Ellison, 
 " you will understand that I reject the idea, here expressed, of 
 4 recalling the original beauty of the country.' The original 
 beauty is never so great as that which may be introduced. Of 
 course, much depends upon the selection of a spot with capabili- 
 ties. What is said in respect to the l detecting and bringing 
 into practice those nice relations of size, proportion, and color,' 
 is a mere vagueness of speech, which may mean much, or little, 
 or nothing, and which guides in no degree. That the true ' result 
 of the natural style of gardening is seen rather in the absence 
 of all defects and incongruities, than in the creation of any 
 special wonders or miracles,' is a proposition better suited to the 
 grovelling apprehension of the herd, than to the fervid dreams 
 of the man of genius. The merit suggested is, at best, negative, 
 and appertains to that hobbling criticism which, in letters, would 
 elevate Addison into apotheosis. In truth, while that merit which 
 consists in the mere avoiding demerit, appeals directly to the 
 understanding, and can thus be foreshadowed in Rule, the loftier 
 merit, which breathes and flames in invention or creation, can 
 be apprehended solely in its results. Rule applies but to the 
 excellences of avoidance to the virtues which deny or refrain. 
 Beyond these the critical art can but suggest. We may be in- 
 structed to build an Odyssey, but it is in vain that we are told 
 how to conceive a ' Tempest,' an ' Inferno,' a ' Prometheus Bound
 
 344 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 
 
 a ' Nightingale,' such as that of Keats, or the ' Sensitive Plant' 
 of Shelley. But, the thing done, the wonder accomplished, and 
 the capacity for apprehension becomes universal. The sophists 
 of the negative school, who through inability to create, have 
 scoffed at creation, are now found the loudest, in applause. What, 
 in its chrysalis condition of principle, affronted their demure 
 reason, never fails, in its maturity of accomplishment, to ex- 
 tort admiration from their instinct of the beautiful or of the 
 sublime. 
 
 " Our author's observations on the artificial style of garden- 
 ing," continued Mr. Ellison, " are less objectionable. ' A mix- 
 ture of pure art in a garden scene, adds to it a great beauty. 
 This is just ; and the reference to the sense of human interest ia 
 equally so. I repeat that the principle here expressed, is incon- 
 trovertible ; but there may be something even beyond it. There 
 may be an object in full keeping with the principle suggested 
 an object unattainable by the means ordinarily in possession of 
 mankind, yet which, if attained, would lend a charm to the land- 
 scape-garden immeasurably surpassing that which a merely 
 human interest could bestow. The true poet possessed of very 
 unusual pecuniary resources, might possibly, while retaining the 
 necessary idea of art or interest or culture, so imbue his designs 
 at once with extent and novelty of Beauty, as to convey the 
 sentiment of spiritual interference. It will be seen that, in 
 bringing about such result, he secures all the advantages of 
 interest or design, while relieving his work of all the harshness 
 and technicality of Art. In the most rugged of wildernesses 
 in the most savage of the scenes of pure Nature there is appa- 
 rent the art of a Creator ; yet is this art apparent only to reflec- 
 tion ; in no respect has it the obvious force of a feeling. Now, 
 if we imagine this sense of the Almighty Design to be harmon- 
 ized in a measurable degree ; if we suppose a landscape whose 
 combined strangeness, vastness, definitiveness, and magnificence, 
 shall inspire the idea of culture, or care, or superintendence, on 
 the part of intelligences superior yet akin to humanity then 
 the sentiment of interest is preserved, while the Art is made to 
 assume the air of an intermediate or secondary Nature a Nature 
 which is not God; nor an emanation of God, but which still is
 
 THE LANDSCAPE GARDEN. 345 
 
 Nature, in the sense that it is the handi-work of the angels that 
 hover between man and God." 
 
 It was in devoting his gigantic wealth to the practical embodi- 
 ment of a vision such as this in the free exercise in the open 
 air, which resulted from personal direction of his plans in the 
 continuous and unceasing object which these plans afforded 
 in the high spirituality of the object itself in the con- 
 tempt of ambition which it enabled him more to feel than 
 to affect and, lastly, it was in the companionshr'p * nd sympathy 
 of a devoted wife, that Ellison thought to find, and found, an 
 exemption from the ordinary cares of Humanity, with a far 
 greater amount of positive happiness than ever glowed in the 
 rapt day -dreams of De Stiiel.
 
 MAF.LZI-L'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 PERHAPS no exhibition of the kind has ever eKexted so 
 general attention as the Chess-Player of MaelzeL Wherever 
 seen it has been an object of intense cariosity, to all persons whc 
 think. Yet the question of its modus operandi is still undeter- 
 mined. Nothing has been written on this topic which can b0 
 considered as decisive and accordingly we find everywhere 
 men of mechanical genius, of great general acuteness, and dis- 
 criminative understanding, who make no scruple in |iUMimnriiig 
 the Automaton a pure machine, unconnected with human agency 
 in its movements, and consequently, beyond all comparison, the 
 most astonishing of the inventions of mankind. And such it 
 would undoubtedly be, were they right in their supposition. 
 Assuming this hypothesis, it would be grossly absurd to compare 
 with the Chess-Player, any similar thing of either modern or 
 ancient days. Tet there have been many and wonderfol vatlt- 
 mata. In Brewster's Letters on Natural Magic, we have an 
 account of the most remarkable. Among these may be mention- 
 ed, as having beyond doubt existed, firstly, the coach invented 
 by M. Camus for the amusement of Loois XIY. when a chDd, 
 A table, about four feet square, was introduced into the room 
 appropriated for the exhibition. Upon this table was placed 
 carriage six inches in length, made of wood, and drawn by two 
 horses of the same material. One window being down, a lady 
 wa* seen on the back seat. A coachman held the reins on the 
 box, and a footman and page were in their places behind. M. 
 Camus now touched a spring; whereupon the coachman
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. . 347 
 
 his whip, and the horses proceeded in a natural manner, along 
 the edge of the table, drawing after them the carriage. Having 
 gone as far as possible in this direction, a sudden turn was made 
 to the left, and the vehicle was driven at right angles to its 
 former course, and still closely along the edge of the table. In 
 this way the coach proceeded until it arrived opposite the chair" 
 of the young prince. It then stopped, the page descended and 
 opened the door, the lady alighted, and presented a petition to 
 her sovereign. She then re-entered. The page put up the 
 steps, closed the door, and resumed his station. The coachman 
 whipped his horses, and the carriage was driven back to its 
 original position. 
 
 The magician of M. Maillardet is also worthy of notice. Wo 
 copy the following account of it from the Letters before mentioned 
 of Dr. B., who derived his information principally from the 
 Edinburgh Encyclopaedia. 
 
 " One of the most popular pieces of mechanism which we 
 have seen, is the Magician constructed by M. Maillardet, for the 
 purpose of answering certain given questions. A figure, dressed 
 like a magician, appears seated at the bottom of a wall, holding 
 a wand in one hand, and a book in the other. A number of 
 questions, ready prepared, are inscribed on oval medallions, and 
 the spectator takes any of these he chooses, and to which he 
 wishes an answer, and having placed it in a drawer ready to 
 receive it, the drawer shuts with a spring till the answer is re- 
 turned. The magician then arises from his seat, bows his head, 
 describes circles with his wand, and consulting the book as if in 
 deep thought, he lifts it towards his face. Having thus appeared 
 to ponder over the proposed question, he raises his wand, and 
 striking with it the wail above his head, two folding doors fly 
 open, and display an appropriate answer to the question. The 
 doors again close, the magician resumes his original position, 
 und the drawer opens to return the medallion. There are twenty 
 of these medallions, all containing different questions, to which 
 the magician returns the most suitable and striking answers. 
 The medallions are thin plates of brass, of an elliptical form, 
 exactly resembling each other. Some of the medallions have a 
 question inscribed on each side, both of which the magician
 
 -W . MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 answers in succession. If the drawer is shut without a medal 
 lion being put in it, the magician rises, consults his book, shakes 
 his head, and resumes his seat. The folding doors remain shut, 
 and the drawer is returned empty. If two medallions are put 
 into the drawer together, an answer is returned only to the lower 
 one. When the machinery is wound up, the movements con- 
 tinue about an hour, during which time about fifty questions may 
 be answered. The inventor stated that the means by which the 
 different medallions acted upon the machinery, so as to produce 
 the proper answers to the questions which they contained, were 
 extremely simple." 
 
 The duck of Vaucanson was still more remarkable. It was 
 of the size of life, and so perfect an imitation of the living 
 animal that all the spectators were deceived. It executed, says 
 Brewster, all the natural movements and gestures, it eat and 
 drank with avidity, performed all the quick motions of the head 
 and throat which are peculiar to the duck, and like it muddled 
 the water which it drank with its bill. It produced also the 
 sound of quacking in the most natural manner. In the anato- 
 mical structure the artists exhibited the highest skill. Every 
 bone in the real duck had its representative in the automaton, 
 and its wings were anatomically exact. Every cavity, apophysis, 
 and curvature was imitated, and each bone executed its proper 
 movements. When corn was thrown down before it, the duck 
 stretched out its neck to pick it up, swallowed, and digested it.* 
 
 But if these machines, were ingenious, what shall we think of 
 the calculating machine of Mr. Babbage ? What shall we think 
 of an engine of wood and metal which can not only compute as- 
 tronomical and navigation tables to any given extent, but render 
 the exactitude of its operations mathematically certain through 
 its power of correcting its possible errors ? What shall we think 
 of a machine which can not only accomplish all this, but actually 
 print off its elaborate results, when obtained, without the slight- 
 est intervention of the intellect of man ? It will, perhaps, be 
 said, in reply, that a machine such as we have described is alto- 
 
 * Under the head Androides in the Edinburgh Encyclopaedia may be 
 found a full account of the principal automata of ancient and modem 
 times.
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 319 
 
 gether above comparison with the Chess-Player of JMaelzel. By 
 no means it is altogether beneath it that is to say provided we 
 assume (what should never for a moment be assumed) that the 
 Chess-Player is a pure machine, and performs it operations with- 
 out any immediate human agency. Arithmetical or algebraical 
 calculations are, from their very nature, fixed and determinate. 
 Certain data being given, certain results necessarily and inevita- 
 bly follow. These results have dependence upon nothing, and 
 are influenced by nothing but the data originally given. And 
 the question to be solved proceeds, or should proceed, to its final 
 determination, by a succession of unerring steps liable to no 
 change, and subject to no modification. This being the case, we 
 can without difficulty conceive the possibility of so arranging a 
 piece of mechanism, that upon starting it in accordance with the 
 data of the question to be solved, it should continue its move 
 ments regularly, progressively, and undeviatingly towards the 
 required solution, since these movements, however complex, are 
 never imagined to be otherwise than finite and determina)3. But 
 the case is widely different with the Chess-Player. TV ith him 
 there is no determinate progression. No one move in ness ne- 
 cessarily follows upon any one other. From no partii alar dis- 
 position of the men at one period of a game can we A >.edicate 
 their disposition at a different period. Let us place the J rst move 
 hi a game of chess, in juxta-position with the data of afc algebra- 
 ical question, and their great difference will be immedis tely per- 
 ceived. From the latter from the data the second s ep of the 
 question, dependent thereupon, inevitably follows. It i.< modeled 
 by the data. It must be thus and not otherwise. But from the 
 first move in the game of chess no especial second move lollows 
 of necessity. In the algebraical question, as it proceed) towards 
 solution, the certainty of its operations remains altogether unim- 
 paired. The second step having been a consequence of the data, 
 the third step is equally a consequence of the second, the fourth of 
 the third, the fifth of the fourth, and so on, and not possibly other- 
 wise, to the end. But in proportion to the progress maoo in a 
 game of chess, is the uncertainty of each ensuing move- A few 
 moves having been made, no step is certain. Different spectators 
 of the game would advise different moves. All is then uependent
 
 550 
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYEll. 
 
 upon the variable judgment of the players. Now even granting 
 (what should not be granted) that the movements of the Auto- 
 maton Chess-Player were in themselves determinate, they would 
 be necessarily interrupted and disarranged by the indeterminate 
 will of his antagonist. There is then no analogy whatever be- 
 tween the operations of the Chess-Player, and those of the cal 
 culating machine of Mr. Babbage, and if we choose to call the 
 former a pure machine we must be prepared to admit that it is, 
 beyond all comparison, the most wonderful of the inventions of 
 mankind. Its original projector, however, Baron Kempelen, 
 had no scruple in declaring it to be a " very ordinary piece of 
 mechanism a bagatelle whose effects appeared so marvellous 
 only from the boldness of the conception, and the fortunate 
 choice of the methods adopted for promoting the illusion." But 
 it is needless to dwell upon this point. I-t is quite certain that 
 the operations of the Automaton are regulated by mind, and by 
 nothing else. Indeed this matter is susceptible of a mathematu 
 cal demonstration, a priori. The only question then is of the 
 manner in which human agency is brought to bear. Before en- 
 tering upon this subject it would be as well to give a brief his- 
 tory and description of the Chess-Player for the benefit of such 
 of our readers as may never have had an opportunity of witness- 
 ing Mr. Maelzel's exhibition. 
 
 The Automaton Chess-Player was invented in 1769. by Baron 
 Kempelen, a nobleman of Presburg, in Hungary, who afterwards 
 disposed of it, together with the secret of its operations, to its 
 present possessor.* Soon after its completion it was exhibited 
 
 * This was written in 1835, when Mr. Maelzcl, recently deceased, was 
 exhibiting the Chess-Player in the United States. It is now (1855) we be-
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 361 
 
 in Presburgh, Paris, Vienna, and other continental cities. In 
 
 1783 and 1784, it was taken to London by Mr. Maelzel. Of 
 
 late years it has visited the principal towns in the United States. 
 
 Wherever seen, the most intense curiosity was excited by its 
 
 i appearance, and numerous have been the attempts, by men of all 
 
 I classes, to fathom the mystery of its evolutions. The cut above 
 
 ' gives a tolerable representation of the figure as seen by the citi- 
 
 Uens of Richmond a few weeks ago. The right arm, however, 
 
 should lie more at length upon the box, a chess-board should 
 
 appear upon it, and the cushion should not be seen while the 
 
 pipe is held. Some immaterial alterations have been made in 
 
 the costume of the player since it came into the possession of 
 
 Maelzel the plume, for example, was not originally worn. 
 
 At the hour appointed for exhibition, a curtain is withdrawn, 
 or folding-doors are thrown open, and the machine rolled to 
 within about twelve feet of the nearest of the spectators, between 
 whom and it (the machine) a rope is stretched. A figure is seen 
 habited as a Turk, and seated, with its legs crossed, at a large 
 box apparently of maple wood, which serves it as a table. The 
 exhibiter will, if requested, roll the machine to any portion of 
 the room, suffer it to remain altogether on any designated spot, 
 or even shift its location repeatedly during the progress of a 
 game. The bottom of the box is elevated considerably above 
 the floor by means of the castors or brazen rollers on which it 
 moves, a clear view of the surface immediately beneath the Au- 
 tomaton being thus afforded to the spectators. The chair on 
 which the figure sits is affixed permanently to the box. On the 
 top of this latter is a chess-board, also permanently affixed. The 
 right arm of the Chess-Player is extended at full length before 
 him, at right angles with his body, and lying, in an apparent- 
 ly careless position, by the side of the board. The back 
 of the hand is upwards. The board itself is eighteen inches 
 square. The left arm of the figure is bent at the elbow, and in 
 the left hand is a pipe. A green drapery conceals the back of 
 the Turk, and falls partially over the front of both shoulders. 
 To judge from the external appearance of the box, it is divided 
 
 lieve, in the possession of Prof J. K. Mitchell, M. D., of Philadelphia. 
 Editor
 
 352 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLASTER. 
 
 inlo five compartments three cupboards of equal dimension^ 
 and two drawers occupying that portion of the chest lying be- 
 neath the cupboards. The foregoing observations apply to the 
 appearance of the Automaton upon its first introduction into the 
 presence of the spectators. 
 
 Maelzel now informs the company that he will disclose to 
 their view the mechanism of the machine. Taking from his 
 pocket a bunch of keys he unlocks with one of them, door marked 
 1 in the cut above, and throws the cupboard fully open to the 
 inspection of all present. Its whole interior is apparently filled 
 with wheels, pinions, levers, and other machinery, crowded very 
 closely together, so that the eye can penetrate but a little dis- 
 tance into the mass. Leaving this door open to its full extent, 
 he goes now round to the back of the box, and raising the dra- 
 pery of the figure, opens another door situated precisely in the 
 rear of the one first opened. Holding a lighted candle at this 
 door, and shifting the position of the whole machine repeatedly 
 at the same time, a bright light is thrown entirely through the 
 cupboard, which is now clearly seen to be full, completely 
 full, of machinery. The spectators being satisfied of this fact, 
 Maelzel closes the back door, locks it, takes the key from the 
 lock, lets fall the drapery of the figure, and comes round to the 
 front. The door marked 1, it will be remembered, is still open. 
 The exhibiter now proceeds to open the drawer which lies be- 
 neath the cupboards at the bottom of the box for although there 
 are apparently two drawers, there is really only one the two 
 handles and two key holes being intended merely for ornament. 
 Having opened this drawer to its full extent, a small cushion, 
 and a set of chessmen, fixed in a frame work made to support 
 them perpendicularly, are discovered. Leaving this drawer, as 
 well as cupboard No. 1 open, Maelzel now unlocks door No. 2. 
 and door No. 3, which are discovered to be folding doors, open- 
 ing into one and the same compartment. To the right of this 
 compartment, however, (that is to say the spectators' right,) a 
 small division, six inches wide, and filled with machinery, is 
 partitioned off. The main compartment itself (in speaking of 
 that portion of the box visible upon opening doors 2 and 3, we 
 shall always call it the main compartment) is lined with dark
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 353 
 
 cloth and contains no machinery whatever beyond two pieces of 
 Eteel, quadrant-shaped, and situated one in each of the rear top 
 corners of the compartment. A small protuberance about eight 
 inches square, and also covered with dark cloth, lies on the floor 
 of the compartment near the rear corner on the spectators' left 
 hand. Leaving doors No. 2 and No. 3 open as well as the 
 drawer, and door No. 1, the exhibiter now goes round to the 
 back of the main compartment, and, unlocking another door 
 there, displays clearly all the interior of the main compartment, 
 by introducing a candle behind it and within it. The whole box 
 being thus apparently disclosed to the scrutiny of the company, 
 Maelzel, still leaving the doors and drawer open, rolls the Auto- 
 maton entirely round, and exposes the back of the Turk by lift 
 ing up the drapery. A door about ten inches square is thrown 
 open in the loins of the figure, and a smaller one also in the left 
 thigh. The interior of the figure, as seen through these aper- 
 tures, appears to be crowded with machinery. In general, every 
 spectator is now thoroughly satisfied of having beheld and com- 
 pletely scrutinized, at one and the same time, every individual 
 portion of the Automaton, and the idea of any person being con- 
 cealed in the interior, during so complete an exhibition of that 
 interior, if ever entertained, is immediately dismissed as prepos- 
 terous in the extreme. 
 
 M. Maelzel, having rolled the machine back into its original 
 position, now informs the company that the Automaton will play 
 a game of chess with any one disposed to encounter him. This 
 challenge being accepted, a small table is prepared for the anta- 
 gonist, and placed close by the rope, but on the spectators' side of 
 it, and so situated as not to prevent the company from obtaining 
 a full view of the Automaton. From a drawer in this table is 
 taken a set of chess-men, and Maelzel arranges them generally, 
 but not always, with his own hands, on the chess board, which 
 consists merely of the usual number of squares painted upon the 
 table. The antagonist having taken his seat, the exhibiter ap- 
 proaches the drawer of the box, and takes therefrom the cushion, 
 which after removing the pipe from the hand of the Automaton, 
 be places under its left arm as a support. Then taking also 
 from the drawer the Automaton's set of chess-men, he arranges
 
 <>4 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 them upon the chess-board before the figure. He now proceeds 
 to close the doors and to lock them leaving the bunch of keys 
 in door No. 1. He also closes the drawer, and, finally, winds 
 up the machine, by applying a key to an aperture in the left end 
 (the spectator's left) of the box. The game now commences 
 the Automaton taking the first move. The duration of the con 
 test is usually limited to half an hour, but if it be not finished at 
 the expiration of this period, and the antagonist still contend that 
 he can beat the Automaton, M. Maelzel has seldom any objec- 
 tion to continue it. Not to weary the company, is the ostensible, 
 and no doubt the real object of the limitation. It will of course 
 be understood that when a move is made at his own table, by 
 the antagonist, the corresponding move is made at the box of the 
 Automaton, by Maelzel himself, who then acts as the represent 
 ative of the antagonist. On the other hand, when the Turk 
 moves, the corresponding move is made at the table of the anta- 
 gonist, also by M. Maelzel, who then acts as the representative 
 of the Automaton. In this manner it is necessary that the ex- 
 hibiter should often pass from one table to the other. He also 
 frequently goes in the rear of the figure to remove the chess-men 
 which it has taken, and which it deposits when taken, on the box 
 to the left (to its own left) of the board. When the Automaton 
 hesitates in relation to its move, the exhibiter is occasionally seen 
 to place himself very near its right side, and to lay his hand now 
 and then, in a careless manner upon the box. He has also a 
 peculiar shuffle with his feet, calculated to induce suspicion of 
 collusion with the machine in minds which are more cunning than 
 sagacious. These peculiarities, are, no doubt, mere mannerisms 
 of M. Maelzel, or, if he is aware of them at all, he puts them in 
 practice with a view of exciting in the spectators a false idea of 
 (.he pure mechanism in the Automaton. 
 
 The Turk plays with his left hand. All the movements of the 
 arm are at right angles. In this manner, the hand (which is 
 gloved and bent in a natural way), being brought directly above 
 the piece to be moved, descends finally upon it, the fingers re- 
 ceiving it, in most cases, without difficulty. Occasionally, how- 
 ever, when the piece is not precisely in its proper situation, the 
 Automaton fails in his attempt at seizing it. When this occurs,
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLACER 355 
 
 no second effort is made, but the arm continues its movement in 
 the direction originally intended, precisely as if the piece were 
 in" the fingers Having thus designated the spot whither the 
 move should have been made, the arm returns to its cushion, and 
 Maelzel performs the evolution which the Automaton pointed 
 out. At every movement of the figure machinery is heard in 
 motion. During the progress of the game, the figure now and 
 then rolls its eyes, as if surveying the board, moves its head, 
 and pronounces the word echec (check) when necessary.* If a 
 false move be made by his antagonist, he raps briskly on the 
 box with the fingers of his right hand, shakes his head roughly, 
 and replacing the pieces falsely moved, in its former situation, 
 assumes the next move himself. Upon beating the game, he 
 waves his head with an air of triumph, looks around complacently 
 upon the spectators, and drawing his left arm farther back than 
 usual, suffers his fingers alone to rest upon the cushion. In 
 general, the Turk is victorious once or twice he has been 
 beaten. The game being ended, Maelzel will again, if desired, 
 exhibit the mechanism of the box, in the same manner as before. 
 The machine is then rolled back, and a curtain hides it from the 
 view of the company. 
 
 There have been many attempts at solving the mystery 
 of the Automaton. The most general opinion in relation to it, 
 an opinion too not unfrequently adopted by men who should have 
 known better, was, as we have before said, that no immediate 
 human agency was employed in other words, that the machine 
 was purely a machine and nothing else. Many, however, main- 
 tained that the exhibitor himself regulated the movements of 
 the figure by mechanical means operating through the feet of 
 the box. Others, again spoke confidently of a magnet. Of the 
 first of these opinions we shall say nothing at present more than we 
 have already said. In relation to the second it is only necessary 
 to repeat what we have before stated, that the machine is 
 rolled about on castors, and will, at the request of a spectator, 
 
 * The making the Turk pronounce the word echec, is an improvement by 
 M. Maelzel. When in possession of Baron Kempelen, the figure indicated 
 a check by rapping on the box with his right hand.
 
 356 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 be moved to and fro to any portion of the room, even during the 
 progress of the game. The supposition of the magnet is also 
 untenable for if a magnet were the agent, any other magnet in 
 the pocket of a spectator would disarrange the entire mechanism. 
 The exhibitor, however, will suffer the most powerful loadstono 
 to remain even upon the box during the whole of the exhibi- 
 tion. 
 
 The first attempt at a written explanation of the secret, at 
 ;east the first attempt of which we ourselves have any knowledge, 
 was made in a large pamphlet printed at Paris in 1785. The 
 author's hypothesis amounted to this that a dwarf actuated the 
 machine. This dwarf he supposed to conceal himself during th 
 opening of the box by thrusting his legs into two hollow cylinders, 
 which were represented to be (but which are not) among the 
 machinery in the cupboard No. 1, while his body was out of the. 
 box entirely, and covered by the drapery of the Turk. When 
 the doors were shut, the dwarf was enabled to bring his body 
 within the box the noise produced by some portion of the 
 machinery allowing him to do so unheard, and also to close the 
 door by which he entered. The interior of the automaton being 
 then exhibited, and no person discovered, the spectators, says the 
 author of this pamphlet, are satisfied that no one is within any 
 portion of the machine. The whole hypothesis was too obviously 
 absurd to require comment, or refutation, and accordingly we 
 find that it attracted very little attention. 
 
 In 1789 a book was published at Dresden by M. I. F. Frey 
 here in which another endeavor was made to unravel the mys- 
 tery. Mr. Freyhere's book was a pretty large one, and copiously 
 illustrated by colored engravings. His supposition was that " a 
 well-taught boy very thin and tall of his age (sufficiently so that 
 he could be concealed in a drawer almost immediately under the 
 chess-board") played the game of chess and effected all the 
 evolutions of the Automaton. This idea, although even more 
 siilly than that of the Parisian author, met with a better recep- 
 tion, and was in some measure believed to be the true solution 
 of the wonder, until the inventor put an end to the discussion by 
 suffering a close examination of the top of the box. 
 
 These bizarre attempts at explanation were followed by others
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 351 
 
 equally bizarre. Of late years, however, an anonymous writer, 
 by a course of reasoning exceedingly unphilosophical, has con- 
 trived to blunder upon a plausible solution although we cannot 
 consider it altogether the true one. His Essay was first pub- 
 lished in a Baltimore weekly paper, was illustrated by cuts, and 
 was entitled " An attempt to analyze the Automaton Chess-Player i 
 of M. Mac.-lzel." This Essay we suppose to have been the ori- 
 ghuil of the pamphlet to which Sir David Brewster alludes in 
 his letters on Natural Magic, and which he has no hesitation in 
 declaring a thorough and satisfactory explanation. The results 
 of the analysis are undoubtedly, in the main, just; but we can 
 only account for Brewster's pronouncing the Essay a thorough 
 and satisfactory explanation, by supposing him to have bestowed 
 upon it a very cursory and inattentive perusal. In the compen- 
 dium of the Essay, made use of in the Letters on Natural Magic, 
 it is quite impossible to arrive at any distinct conclusion in regard 
 to the adequacy or inadequacy of the analysis, on account of the 
 gross misarrangement and deficiency of the letters of reference 
 employed. The same fault is to be found in the " Attempt," &c., 
 as we originally saw it. The solution consists in a series of mi- 
 nute explanations, (accompanied by wood-cuts, the whole occu- 
 pying many pages) in which the object is to show the possibility 
 of so shifting the partitions of the box, as to allow a human being, 
 concealed in the interior, to move portions of his body from one 
 part of the box to another, during the exhibition of the mecha- 
 nism thus eluding the scrutiny of the spectators. There can be 
 no doubt, as we have before observed, and as we will presently 
 endeavor to show, that the principle, or rather the result of this 
 .solution is the true one. Some person is concealed in the box 
 during the whole time of exhibiting the interior. We object, 
 however, to the whole verbose description of the manner in which 
 the partitions are shifted, to accommodate the movements of the 
 person concealed. We object to it as a mere theory assumed 
 in the first place, and to which circumstances are afterwards made 
 to adapt themselves. It was not, and could not have been, arrived 
 at by any inductive reasoning. In whatever way the shifting is 
 managed, it is of course concealed at every step from observation. 
 To show that certain movements might possibly be effected in a
 
 358 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 certain way, is very far from showing that they are actually sc 
 effected. There may be an infinity of other methods by which 
 the same results may be obtained. The probability of the one 
 assumed proving the correct one is then as unity to infinity. But, 
 in reality, this particular point, the shifting of the partitions, is 
 of no consequence whatever. It was altogether unnecessary to 
 devote seven or eight pages for the purpose of proving what no 
 one in his senses would deny viz : that the wonderful mechani- 
 cal genius of Baron Kempelen could invent the necessary means 
 for shutting a door or slipping aside a panel, with a human agent 
 too at his service in actual contact with the panel or the door, 
 and the whole operations carried on, as the author of the Essay 
 himself shows, and as we shall attempt to show more fully here- 
 after, entirely out of reach of the observation of the spectators. 
 
 In attempting ourselves an explanation of the Automaton, we 
 will, in the first place, endeavor to show how its operations are 
 effected, and afterwards describe, as briefly as possible, the na- 
 ture of the observations from which we have deduced our result. 
 
 It will be necessary for a proper understanding of the subject, 
 that we repeat here in a few words, the routine adopted by the 
 exhibiter in disclosing the interior of the box a routine from 
 which he never deviates in any material particular. In the first 
 place he opens the door No. 1. Leaving this open, he goes round 
 to the rear of the box, and opens a door precisely at the back of 
 door No. 1. To this back door he holds a lighted candle. He 
 then closes the back door, locks it, and, coining round to the front, 
 opens the drawer to its full extent. This done, he opens the 
 doors No. 2 and No. 3, (the folding doors) and displays the in- 
 terior of the main compartment. Leaving open the main com- 
 partment, the drawer, and the front door of cupboard No. 1, he 
 now goes to the rear again, and throws open the back door of 
 the main compartment. In shutting up the box no particular 
 order is observed, except that the folding doors are always closed 
 before the drawer. 
 
 Now, let us suppose that when the machine is first rolled into 
 the presence of the spectators, a man is already within it. His 
 body is situated behind the dense machinery in cupboard No. 1, 
 'the rear portion of which machinery is so contrived as to slip
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 359 
 
 en masse, from the main compartment to the cupboard No, 1, as 
 occasion may require,) and his legs lie at full length in the main 
 compartment. When Maelzel opens the door No. 1, the man 
 within is not in any danger of discovery, for the keenest eye 
 cannot penetrate more than about two inches into the darkness 
 within. But the case is otherwise when the back door of the 
 cupboard No. 1, is opened. A bright light then pervades the 
 cupboard, and the body of the man would be discovered if it 
 were there. But it is not. The putting the key in the lock of 
 the back door was a signal on hearing which the person con 
 cealed brought his body forward to an angle as acute as possible 
 throwing it altogether, or nearly so, into the main compartment. 
 This, however, is a painful position, and cannot be long main- 
 tained. Accordingly we find that Maelzel closes the back door. 
 This being done, there is no reason why the body of the- man 
 may not resume its former situation for the cupboard is again 
 no dark as to defy scrutiny. The drawer is now opened, and the 
 legs of the person within drop down behind it in the space it 
 formerly occupied.* There is, consequently, now no longer any 
 part of the man in the main compartment his body being be- 
 hind the machinery in cupboard No. 1, and his legs in the space 
 occupied by the drawer. The exhibiter, therefore, finds himself 
 at liberty to display the main compartment. This he does 
 opening both its back and front doors and no person is discov- 
 ered. The spectators are- now satisfied that the whole of the 
 box is exposed to view and exposed too, all portions of it af 
 one and the same time. But of course this is not the case. They 
 neither see the space behind the drawer, nor the interior of cup-- 
 board No. 1 the front door of which latter the exhibiter virtu- 
 ally shuts in shutting its back door Maelzel, having now rolled 
 the machine around, lifted up the drapery of the Turk, opened 
 the doors in his back and thigh, and shown his trunk to be full 
 of machinery, brings the whole back into its original position, and 
 
 * Sir David Brewster supposes that there is always a large space behind 
 this drawer even when shut in other words that the drawer is a " false 
 drawer," and does not extend to the back of the box. But the idea is alto- 
 gether untenable. So common-place a trick would be immediately discov- 
 ered especially as the drawer is always opened to its full extent, and an 
 opportunity thus offered of comparing its depth with that of the box
 
 MO MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 closes the doors. The man within is now at liberty to mov.. 
 about. He gets up into the body of the Turk just so high as to 
 bring his eyes above the level of the chess-board. It is very 
 probable that he seats himself upon the little square block or 
 protuberance which is seen in a corner of the main compartment 
 when the doors are open. In this position he sees the chess- 
 board through the bosom of the Turk which is of gauze. Bring- 
 ing his right arm across his breast he actuates the little machi- 
 nery necessary to guide the left arm and the fingers of the figure. 
 This machinery is situated just beneath the left shoulder of the 
 Turk, and is consequently easily reached by the right hand of 
 the man concealed, if we suppose his right arm brought across 
 the breast. The motions of the head and eyes, and of the right 
 arm of the figure, as well as the sound echec are produced by 
 other mechanism in the interior, and actuated at will by the man 
 within. The whole of this mechanism- -that is to say all the 
 mechanism essential to the machine is most probably contained 
 within the little cupboard (of about six inches in breadth) parti- 
 tioned off at the right (the spectators' right) of the main compart- 
 ment. 
 
 In this analysis of the operations of the Automaton, we have 
 purposely avoided any allusion to the manner in which the par- 
 titions are shifted, and it will now be readily comprehended that 
 this point is a matter of no importance, since, by mechanism 
 within the ability of any common carpenter, it might be effected 
 in an infinity of different ways, and since we have shown that, 
 however performed, it is performed out of the view of the spec- 
 tators. Our result is founded upon the following observations 
 taken during frequent visits to the exhibition of Maelzel.* 
 
 1. The moves of the Turk are not made at regular intervals 
 of time, but accommodate themselves to the moves of the an- 
 tagonist although this point, (of regularity) so important in all 
 kinds of mechanical contrivance, might have been readily brought 
 
 * Some of these observations are intended merely to prove that the ma- 
 chine must be regulated f/y mind, and it may be thought a work of supere- 
 rogation to advance i'arther arguments in support of what has been already 
 fully decided. But our object is to convince, in especial, certain of oui 
 friends upon whom a train of suggestive reasoning will have more influence 
 than the most positive a priori demonstration.
 
 MAELZELS CHESS-PLAYER. 361 
 
 about by limiting the time allowed for the moves of the anta- 
 gonist. For example, if this limit were three minutes, the 
 moves of the Automaton might be made at any given intervals 
 longer than three minutes. The fact then of irregularity, when 
 regularity might have been so easily attained, goes to prove that 
 regularity is unimportant to the action of the Automaton in 
 other words, that the Automaton is not a pure machine. 
 
 2. When the Automaton is about to move a piece, a distinct 
 motion is observable just beneath the left shoulder, and which 
 motion agitates in a slight degree, the drapery covering the front 
 of the left shoulder. This motion invariably precedes, by about 
 two seconds, the movement of the arm itself and the arm 
 never, in any instance, moves without this preparatory motion 
 in the shoulder. Now let the antagonist move a piece, and let 
 the corresponding move be made by Maelzel, as usual, upon the 
 board of the Automaton. Then let the antagonist narrowly 
 watch the Automaton, until he detect the preparatory motion in 
 the shoulder. Immediately upon detecting this motion, and be- 
 fore the arm itself begins to move, let him withdraw his piece, 
 as if perceiving an error in his manoeuvre. It will then be seen 
 that the movement of the arm, which, in all other cases, imme- 
 diately succeeds the motion in the shoulder, is withheld is not 
 made although Maelzel has not yet performed, on the board of 
 the Automaton, any move corresponding to the withdrawal of 
 the antagonist. In this case, that the Automaton was about to 
 move is evident and that he did not move, was an effect plainly 
 produced by the withdrawal of the antagonist, and without any 
 intervention of Maelzel. 
 
 This fact fully proves, 1 that the intervention of Maelzel, in 
 performing the moves of the antagonist on the board of the 
 Automaton, is not essential to the movements of the Automaton, 
 2 that its movements are regulated by mind by some person 
 who sees the board of the antagonist, 3 that its movements are 
 not regulated by the mind of Maelzel, whose back was turned 
 towards the antagonist at the withdrawal of his move. 
 
 3. The Automaton does not invariably win the game. "Were 
 the machine a pure machine this would not be the case it would 
 uhvays win. The principle being discovered by which a nm-
 
 382 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 cliine can be made to play a game of chess, an extension of the 
 same principle would enable it to win a game a farther exten- 
 sion would enable it to win all games that is, to beat any pos- 
 sible game of an antagonist. A little consideration will convince 
 any one that the difficulty of making a machine beat all games, 
 is not in the least degree greater, as regards the principle of the 
 operations necessary, than that of making it beat a single game. 
 If then we regard the Chess-Player as a machine, we must sup- 
 pose, (what is highly improbable) that its inventor preferred 
 leaving it incomplete to perfecting it a supposition rendered 
 still more absurd, when we reflect that the leaving it incomplete 
 would afford an argument against the possibility of its being a 
 pure machine the very argument we now adduce. 
 
 4. When the situation of the game is difficult or complex, we 
 never perceive the Turk either shake his head or roll his eyes. 
 It is only when his next move is obvious, or when the game is 
 so circumstanced that to a man in the Automaton's place there 
 would be no necessity for reflection. Now these peculiar move- 
 ments of the head and eyes are movements customary with 
 persons engaged in meditation, and the ingenious Baron Kempe- 
 len would have adapted these movements (were the machine a 
 pure machine) to occasions proper for their display that is, to 
 occasions of complexity. But the reverse is seen to be the case, 
 and this reverse applies precisely to our supposition of a man in 
 the interior. When engaged in meditation about the game he 
 has no time to think of setting in motion the mechanism of the 
 Automaton by which are moved the head and the eyes. When 
 the game, however, is obvious, he has time to look about him, 
 and, accordingly, we see the head shake and the eyes roll. 
 
 5. When the machine is rolled round to allow the spectators 
 an examination of the back of the Turk, and when his drapery 
 is lifted up and the doors in the trunk aud thigh thrown open, 
 the interior of the trunk is seen to be crowded with machinery. 
 In scrutinizing this machinery while the Automaton was in 
 motion, that is to say, while the whole machine was moving on 
 the castors, it appeared to us that certain portions of the me- 
 chanism changed their shape and position in a degree too great 
 to be accounted for by the simple laws of perspective ; and sub
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 3U3 
 
 sequent examinations convinced us that these undue alterations 
 were attributable to mirrors in the interior of the trunk. Tho 
 introduction of mirrors among the machinery could not have 
 been intended to influence, in any degree, the machinery itself. 
 Their operation, whatever that operation should prove to be, 
 must necessarily have reference to the eye of the spectator. We 
 at once concluded that these mirrors were so placed to multiply 
 to the vision some few pieces of machinery within the trunk so 
 as to give it the appearance of being crowded with mechani m. 
 Now the direct inference from this is that the machine is not a 
 pure machine. For if it were, the inventor, so far from wishing 
 its mechanism to appear complex, and using deception for the 
 purpose of giving it this appearance, would have been especially 
 desirous of convincing those who witnessed his exhibition, of 
 the simplicity of the means by which results so wonderful were 
 brought about. 
 
 G. The external appearance, and. especially, the deportment 
 of the Turk, are, when we consider them as imitations of life, 
 but very indifferent imitations. The countenance evinces no 
 ingenuity, and is surpassed, in its resemblance to the human 
 face, by the very commonest of wax-works. The eyes roll 
 unnaturally in the head, without any corresponding motions of 
 the lids or brows. The arm, particularly, performs its opera- 
 tions in an exceedingly stiff, awkward, jerking, and rectangular 
 manner. Now, all this is the result either of inability in 
 Maelzel to do better, or of intentional neglect accidental ne- 
 glect being out of the question, when we consider that the whole 
 time of the ingenious proprietor is occupied in the improvement 
 of his machines. Most assuredly we must not refer the unlife- 
 like appearances to inability for all the rest of Maelzel's auto- 
 mata are evidence of his full ability to copy the motions and 
 peculiarities of life with the most wonderful exactitude. The 
 rope-dancers, for example, are inimitable. When the clown 
 laughs, his lips, his eyes, his eye-brows, and eye-lids indeed, 
 all the features of his countenance are imbued with their appro- 
 priate expressions. In both him and his companion, every 
 gesture is so entirely easy, and free from the semblance of arti- 
 ficiality, that, were it not for the diminutiveness of their size,
 
 S64 MAELZET/S CHESS-PLAYER, 
 
 and the fact of their being passed from one spectator to another 
 previous to their exhibition on the rope, it would be difficult to 
 convince any assemblage of persons that these wooden automata 
 were not living creatures. We cannot, therefore, doubt Mr. 
 Maelzel's ability, and we must necessarily suppose that lie inten- 
 tionally suffered his Chess-Player to remain the same artificial 
 and unnatural figure which Baron Kempclen (no doubt also 
 through design) originally made it. What this design was it is 
 not difficult to conceive. Were the Automaton life-like in its 
 motions, the spectator would be more apt to attribute its opera- 
 tions to their true cause, (that is, to human agency within) than 
 he is now, when the awkward and rectangular manoeuvres con- 
 vey the idea of pure and unaided mechanism. 
 
 7. When, a short time previous to the commencement of the 
 game, the Automaton is wound up by the exhibiter as usual, an 
 ear in any degree accustomed to the sounds produced in winding 
 up a system of machinery, will not fail to discover, instanta- 
 neously, that the axis turned by the key in the box of the Chess- 
 Player, cannot possibly be connected with either a weight, a 
 spring, or any system of machinery whatever. The inference 
 here is the same as in our last observation. The winding up is 
 inessential to the operations of the Automaton, and is performed 
 with the design of exciting in the spectators the false idea of 
 mechanism. 
 
 8. When the question is demanded explicitly of Maelzel 
 "Is the Automaton a pure machine or not?" his reply is inva- 
 riably the same "I will say nothing about it." Now the 
 notoriety of the Automaton, and the great curiosity it has every- 
 where excited, are owing more especially to the prevalent 
 opinion that it is a pure machine, than to any other circum- 
 stance. Of course, then, it is the interest of the proprietor to 
 represent it as a pure machine. And what more obvious, and 
 more effectual method could there be of impressing the spec- 
 tators with this desired idea, than a positive and explicit declara- 
 tion to that effect ? On the other hand, what more obvious and 
 effectual method could there be of exciting a disbelief in the 
 Automaton's being a pure machine, than by withholding such 
 explicit declaration ? For, people will naturally reason thus,
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 365 
 
 It is Maelzcl's interest to represent this thing a pure machine 
 he refuses to do so, directly, in words, although he does not 
 scruple, and is evidently anxious to do so, indirectly by actions 
 . were it actually what he wishes to represent it by actions, he 
 would gladly avail himself o/ the more direct testimony of 
 words the inference is, that a consciousness of its not being a 
 pure machine, is the reason of his silence his actions cannot 
 implicate him in a falsehood his words may. 
 
 9. When, in exhibiting the interior of the box, Maelzel has 
 thrown open the door No. 1, and also the door immediately 
 behind it, he holds a lighted candle at the back door (as men- 
 tioned above), and moves the entire machine to and fro with a 
 view of convincing the company that the cupboard No. 1 is 
 entirely filled with machinery. When the machine is thus 
 moved about, it will be apparent to any careful observer, that 
 whereas that portion of the machinery near the front door No. 
 1, is perfectly steady and unwavering, the portion farther within 
 fluctuates, in a very slight degree, with the movements of the 
 machine. This circumstance first aroused in us the suspicion 
 that the more remote portion of the machinery was so arranged 
 as to be easily slipped, en masse, from its position when occasion 
 should require it. This occasion we have already stated to 
 occur when the man concealed within brings his body into an 
 erect position upon the closing of the back door. 
 
 10. Sir David Brewster states the figure of the Turk to be 
 of the size of life but in fact it is far above the ordinary size. 
 Nothing is more easy than to err in our notions of magnitude. 
 The body of the Automaton is generally insulated, and, having 
 no means of immediately comparing it with any human form, 
 we suffer ourselves to consider it as of ordinary dimensions. 
 This mistake may, however, be corrected by observing the 
 Chess-Player when, as is sometimes the case, the exhibitor ap- 
 proaches it. Mr. Maelzel, to be sure, is not very tall, but upon 
 drawing near the machine, his head will be found at least 
 eighteen inches below the head of the Turk, although the latter, 
 it will be remembered, is in a sitting position. 
 
 1 1 . The box behind which the Automaton is placed, is pre- 
 cisely three feet six inches long, two feet four inches deep, and
 
 366 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 two feet six inches high. These dimensions are fully sufficient 
 for the accommodation of a man very much above the common 
 size and the main compartment alone is capable of holding any 
 ordinary man in the position we have mentioned as assumed by 
 the person concealed. As these are facts, which any one who 
 doubts them may prove by actual calculation, we deem it unne- 
 cessary to dwell upon them. We will only suggest that, although 
 the top of the box is apparently a board of about three inches in 
 thickness, the spectator may satisfy himself by stooping and look- 
 ing up at it when the main compartment is open, that it is in re- 
 ality very thin. The height of the drawer also will be miscon- 
 ceived by those who examine it in a cursory manner. There is 
 a space of about three inches between the top of the drawer as 
 seen from the exterior, and the bottom of the cupboard a space 
 which must be included in the height of the drawer. These 
 contrivances to make the room within the box appear less than 
 it actually is, are referrible to a design on the part of the inven- 
 tor, to impress the company again with a false idea, viz., that no 
 human being can be accommodated within the box. 
 
 12. The interior of the main compartment is lined throughout 
 with cloth. This cloth we suppose to have a twofold object. A 
 portion of it may form, when tightly stretched, the only partitions 
 which there is any necessity for removing during the changes of 
 the man's position, viz: the partition betwoen the rear of the 
 main compartment and the rear of cupboard No, 1, and the par- 
 tition between the main compartment, ami the, ppace behind the 
 drawer when open. If we imagine this to be the case, the diffi- 
 culty of shifting the partitions vanishes at once, if indeed any 
 such difficulty could be supposed under any circumstances to 
 exist. The second object of the cloth is to deaden and render 
 indistinct all sounds occasioned by the movements of the person 
 within. 
 
 13. The antagonist (as we have before observed^ is not suf- 
 fered to play at the board of the Automaton, but 13 seated at 
 some distance from the machine. The reason \vbi,ch, most pro- 
 bably, would be assigned for this circumstance, it thfr question 
 were demanded, is, that were the antagonist otherwise situated, 
 his person would intervene between the machine and the spec-
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 3C7 
 
 tator?, and preclude the latter from a distinct view. But this 
 difficulty might be easily obviated, either by elevating the seats 
 of the company, or by turning the end of the box towards them 
 during the game. The true cause of the restriction is, perhaps, 
 very different. Were the antagonist seated in contact with the 
 box, the secret would be liable to discovery, by his detecting, 
 with the aid of a quick ear, the breathings of the man concealed. 
 
 14. Although M. Maelzel, in disclosing the interior of the ma- 
 chine, sometimes slightly deviates from the routine which we have 
 pointed out, yet never in any instance does he so deviate from it 
 as to interfere with our solution. For example, he has been 
 known to open, first of all the drawer but he never opens the 
 main compartment without first closing the back door of cup- 
 board No. 1 he never opens the main compartment without first 
 pulling out the drawer he never shuts the drawer without first 
 shutting the main compartment he never opens the back door 
 of cupboard No. 1 while the main compartment is open and the 
 game of chess is never commenced until the whole machine is 
 closed. Now, if it were observed that never, in any single in- 
 stance, did M. Maelzel differ from the routine we have pointed 
 out as necessary to our solution, it would be one of the strongest 
 possible arguments in corroboration of it but the argument be- 
 comes infinitely strengthened if we duly consider the circum- 
 stance that he does occasionally deviate from the routine, but 
 never does so deviate as to falsify the solution. 
 
 15. There are six candles on the board of the Automaton 
 during exhibition. The question naturally arises " Why are 
 so many employed, when a single candle, or, at farthest, two, 
 would have been amply sufficient to afford the spectators a clear 
 view of the board, in a room otherwise so well lit up as the ex- 
 hibition room always is when, moreover, if we suppose the 
 machine a pure machine, there can be no necessity for so much 
 light, or indeed any light at all, to enable it to perform its ope- 
 rations and when, especially, only a single candle is placed upon 
 the table of the antagonist ?" The first and most obvious infer- 
 ence is, that so strong a light is requisite to enable the man with- 
 in to see through the transparent material (probably fine gauze) 
 of which the breast of the Turk is composed. But when we
 
 368 MAELZEL'S CHEbS-PLAYER. 
 
 consider the arrangement of the candles, another reason immedi- 
 ately presents itself. There are six lights (as we have said 
 before) in all. Three of these are on each side of the figure. 
 Those most remote from the spectators are the longest those in 
 the middle are about two inches shorter and those nearest the 
 company about two inches shorter still and the candles on one 
 side ditf'er in height from the candles respectively opposite on the 
 other, by a ratio different from two inches that is to say, the 
 longest candle on one side is about three inches shorter than the 
 longest candle on the other, and so on. Thus it will be seen 
 that no two of the candles are of the same height, and thus also 
 the difficulty of ascertaining the material of the breast of the 
 figure (against which the light is especially directed) is greatly 
 augmented by the dazzling effect of the complicated crossings of 
 the rays crossings which are brought about by placing the cen 
 tres of radiation all upon different levels. 
 
 16. While the Chess-Player was in possession of Baron Kem- 
 pelen, it was more than once observed, first, that an Italian in 
 the suite of the Baron was never visible during the playing of a 
 game at chess by the Turk, and, secondly, that the Italian being 
 taken seriously ill, the exhibition was suspended until his recov 
 ery. This Italian professed a total ignorance of the game of 
 chess, although all others of the suite played well. Similar obser- 
 vations have been made since the Automaton has been purchased 
 by Maelzel. There is a man, Schlwriberger, who attends him 
 wherever he goes, but who has no ostensible occupation other than 
 that of assisting in the packing and unpacking of the automaton. 
 This man is about the medium size, and has a remarkable stoop 
 in the shoulders. Whether he professes to play chess or not, we 
 are not informed. It is quite certain, however, that he is never to 
 be seen during the exhibition of the Chess-Player, although fre- 
 quently visible just before and just after the exhibition. Moreover, 
 come years ago Maelzel visited Richmond with his automata, and 
 exhibited them, we believe, in the house now occupied by M. 
 Bossieux as a Dancing Academy. Schlumberyer was suddenly 
 taken ill, and during his illness there was no exhibition of the 
 Chess-Player. These facts are well known to many of our citi- 
 zens. The reason assigned for the suspension of the Chess-
 
 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 369 
 
 Player'? performances, was not the illness of Schlurribtrger. The 
 inferences from all this we leave, without farther comment, to 
 the reader. 
 
 17. The Turk plays with his left arm. A circumstance so 
 remarkable cannot be accidental. Brewster takes no notice of 
 it whatever, beyond a mere statement, we believe, that such ia 
 the fact. The early writers of treatises on the Automaton, seem 
 not to have observed the matter at all, and have no reference to 
 it. The author of the pamphlet alluded to by Brewster, men- 
 tions it, but acknowledges his inability to account for it. Yet it is 
 obviously from such prominent discrepancies or incongruities as 
 this that deductions are to be made (if made at all) which shall 
 lead us to the truth. 
 
 The circumstance of the Automaton's playing with his left 
 hand cannot have connexion with the operations of the machine, 
 considered merely as such. Any mechanical arrangement which 
 would cause the figure to move, in any given manner, the left 
 arm could, if reversed, cause it to move, in the same manner, 
 the right. But these principles cannot be extended to the human 
 organization, wherein there is a marked and radical difference 
 in the construction, and, at all events, in the powers, of the*right 
 and left arms. Reflecting upon this latter fact, we naturally 
 refer the incongruity noticeable in the Chess-Player to this pecu- 
 liarity in the human organization. If so, we must imagine some 
 reversion for the Chess-Player plays precisely as a man would 
 not. These ideas, once entertained, are sufficient of themselves, 
 to suggest the notion of a man in the interior. A few more im 
 perceptible steps lead us, finally, to the result. The Automaton 
 plays with his left arm, because under no other circumstances 
 could the man within play with his right a desideratum of course. 
 Let us, for example, imagine the Automaton to play with his right 
 Rrm. To reach the machinery which moves the arm, and which 
 we have before explained to lie just beneath the shoulder, it 
 would be necessary for the man within either to use his right 
 arm in an exceedingly painful and awkward position, (viz. 
 brought up close to his body and tightly compressed between his 
 body and the side of the Automaton,) or else to use his left arm 
 brought across his breast. In neither case could he act with the
 
 370 MAELZEL'S CHESS-PLAYER. 
 
 requisite ease or precision. On the contrary, the Automaton 
 playing, as it actually does, with the left arm, all difficulties van- 
 ish. The right arm of the man within is brought across his 
 breast, and his right fingers act, without any constraint, upon the 
 machinery in the shoulder of the figure. 
 
 We do not believe that any reasonable objections can De urged 
 n gainst this solution of the Automaton Chess-Player.
 
 THE POWER OF WORDS. 
 
 Oinos. Pardon, Agathos, the weakness of a spirit new-fledged 
 with immortality ! 
 
 Agathos, You have spoken nothing, my Oinos, for which par- 
 don is to be demanded. Not even here is knowledge a thing 
 of intuition. For wisdom, ask of the angels freely, that it may 
 be given ! 
 
 Oinos. But in this existence, I dreamed that I should be at 
 once cognizant of all things, and thus at once happy in being cog- 
 nizant of all. 
 
 Agathos. Ah, not in knowledge is happiness, but in the acqui- 
 sition of knowledge ! In for ever knowing, we are for ever bless- 
 ed ; but to know all, were the curse of a fiend. 
 
 Oinos. But does not The Most High know all ? 
 
 Agathos. That (since he is The Most Happy) must be still 
 the one thing unknown even to HIM. 
 
 Oinos. But, since we grow hourly in knowledge, must not 
 at last all things be known ? 
 
 Agathos. Look down into the abysmal distances ! attempt 
 to force the gaze down the multitudinous vistas of the stars, as we 
 sweep slowly through them thus and thus and thus ! Even 
 the spiritual vision, is it not at all points arrested by the continuous 
 golden walls of the universe ? the walls of the myriads of the 
 shining bodies that mere number has appeared to blend into 
 unity ?
 
 372 THE POWER (W WuRDS. 
 
 Oinos. I clearly perceive that the infinity of matter is no 
 dream. 
 
 Agathos. There are no dreams in Aidenn but it is here 
 whispered that, of this infinity of matter, the sole purpose is to 
 afford infinite springs, at which the soul may allay the thirst to 
 know which is for ever unquenchable within it since to quench 
 it, would be to extinguish the soul's self. Question me then, my 
 Oinos, freely and without fear. Come ! we will leave to the left 
 the loud harmony of the Pleiades, and swoop outward from the 
 throne into the starry meadows beyond Orion, where, for pansies 
 and violets, and heart's-ease, are the beds of the triplicate and 
 triple-tinted suns. 
 
 Oinos. And now, Agathos, as we proceed, instruct me ! 
 speak to me in the earth's familiar tones ! I understood not what 
 you hinted to me, just now, of the modes or of the methods of 
 what, during mortality, we were accustomed to call Creation. Do 
 you mean to say that the Creator is not God ? 
 
 Agathos. I mean to say that the Deity does not create. 
 
 Oinos. Explain ! 
 
 Agathos. In the beginning only, he created. The seeming 
 creatures which are now, throughout the universe, so perpetually 
 springing into being, can only be considered as the mediate or 
 indirect, not as the direct or immediate results of the Divine crea- 
 tive power. 
 
 Oinos. Among men, my Agathos, this idea would be consider- 
 ed heretical in the extreme. 
 
 Agathos. Among angels, my Oinos, it is seen to be simply true. 
 
 Oinos. I can comprehend you thus far that certain opera- 
 tions of what we term Nature, or the natural laws, will, under 
 certain conditions, give rise to that which has all the appearance 
 of creation. Shortly before the final overthrow of the earth, there 
 were, I well remember, many very successful experiments in what 
 tsome philosophers were weak enough to denominate the creation 
 of ardmalculse. 
 
 Agathos. The cases of which you speak were, in fact, instances 
 of the secondary creation and of the only species of creation 
 which has ever been, since the first word spoke into existence the 
 first law.
 
 THE POWER OF WORDS. 373 
 
 Oinos. Are not the starry worlds that, fro IE the abyss of non 
 entity, burst hourly forth into the heavens are not these stars, 
 Agathos, the immediate handiwork of the King ? 
 
 Agathos. Let me endeavor, my Oinos, to lead you, step by 
 step, to the conception I intend. You are well aware that, as 
 no thought can perish, so no act is without infinite result. We 
 moved our hands, for example, when we were dwellers on the 
 earth, and, in so doing, we gave vibration to the atmosphere which 
 engirdled it. This vibration was indefinitely extended, till it gave 
 impulse to every particle of the earth's air, which thenceforward, 
 and for ever, was actuated by the one movement of the hand. 
 This fact the mathematicians of our globe well knew. They made 
 the special effects, indeed, wrought in the fluid by special impulses, 
 the subject of exact calculation so that it became easy to deter- 
 mine in what precise period an impulse of given extent would 
 engirdle the orb, and impress (for ever) every atom of the atmos- 
 phere circumambient. Retrograding, they found no difficulty, from 
 a given effect, under given conditions, in determining the value of 
 the original impulse. Now the mathematicians who saw that the 
 results of any given impulse were absolutely endless and who 
 saw that a portion of these results were accurately traceable through 
 the agency of algebraic analysis who saw, too, the facility of the 
 retrogradation these men saw, at the same time, that this species 
 of analysis itself, had within itself a capacity for indefinite pro- 
 gress that there were no bounds conceivable to its advancement 
 and applicability, except within the intellect cf him who advanced 
 or applied it. But at this point our mathematicians paused. 
 
 Oinos. And why, Agathos, should they have proceeded ? 
 
 Agathos. Because there were some considerations of deep 
 interest beyond. It was deducible from what they knew, that to 
 a be : ng of infinite understanding one to whom the perfection of 
 the algebraic analysis lay unfolded there could be no difficulty 
 in tracing every impulse given the air and the ether through the 
 air to the remotest consequences at any even infinitely remote 
 epoch of time. It is indeed demonstrable that every such impulse 
 given the air, must, in the end, impress every individual thing that 
 exists within the universe ; and the being of infinite understand- 
 ing the being whom we have imagined might trace the remote
 
 874 THE POWER OF WORDS. 
 
 undulations of ilie impulse trace them upward and onward in 
 their influences upon all particles of all matter upward and on- 
 ward for ever in their modifications of old forms or, in ether 
 words, in their creation of new until he found them reflected 
 unimpressive at last back from the throne of the Godhead. And 
 not only could such a being do this, but at any epoch, should a 
 given result be afforded him should one of these numberless 
 comets, for example, be presented to his inspection he could 
 have no difficulty in determining, by the analytic retrogradation, 
 to what original impulse it was due. This power of retrogradation 
 in its absolute fulness and perfection this faculty of referring at 
 all epochs, all effects to all causes is of course the prerogative 
 of the Deity alone but in every variety of degree, short of the 
 absolute perfection, is the power itself exercised by the whole host 
 of the Angelic Intelligences. 
 
 Oinos. But you speak merely of impulses upon the air. 
 
 Agathos. In speaking of the air, I referred only to the earth : 
 but the general proposition has reference to impulses upon the 
 ether which, since it pervades, and alone pervades all space, is 
 thus the great medium of creation. 
 
 Oinos. Then all motion, of whatever nature, creates ? 
 
 Agathos. It must : but a true philosophy has long taught 
 that the source of all motion is thought and the source of all 
 thought is 
 
 Oinos. God. 
 
 Agathos. I have spoken to you, Oinos, as to a child of the fair 
 Earth which lately perished of impulses upon the atmosphere 
 of the Earth. 
 
 Oinos. You did. 
 
 Agathos. And while I thus spoke, did there not cross your 
 mind some thought of the physical power of words ? Is not every 
 word an impulse on the air ? 
 
 Oinos. But why, Agathos, do you weep and why, oh why 
 do your wings droop as we hover above this fair star which is 
 the greenest and yet most terrible of all we have encountered in 
 our flight ? Its brilliant flowers look like a fairy dream but its 
 fierce volcanoes like the passions of a turbulent heart. 
 
 Agathos. They are ! they are ! This wild star it is now
 
 THE POWER OF WORDS. 375 
 
 three centuries since, with clasped hands, and with streaming eyes, 
 at the feet of my beloved I spoke it with a few passionate sen- 
 tences into birth. Its brilliant flowers are the dearest of all un- 
 fulfilled dreams, and its raging volcanoes are the passions of the 
 most turbulent and unhallowed of hearts.
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND DMA 
 
 MfXXovra rawra' 
 
 Sophocles Antig : 
 These things are in the future. 
 
 Una. " Born again ?" 
 
 Monos. Yes, fairest and best beloved Una, " born again.' 1 
 These were the words upon whose mystical meaning I had so 
 long pondered, rejecting the explanations of the priesthood, until 
 Death himself resolved for me the secret. 
 
 Una. Death ! 
 
 Monos. How strangely, sweet Una, you echo my words ! I 
 observe, too, a vacillation in your step a joyous inquietude in 
 your eyes. You are confused and oppressed by the majestic 
 novelty of the Life Eternal. Yes, it was of Death I spoke. And 
 here how singularly sounds that word which of old was wont to 
 bring terror to all hearts throwing a mildew upon all pleas- 
 ures ! 
 
 Una. Ah, Death, the spectre which sate at all feasts ! How 
 often, Monos, did we lose ourselves in speculations upon its na- 
 ture ! How mysteriously did it act as a check to human bliss 
 saying unto it " thus far, and no farther !" That earnest mutual 
 love, my own Monos, which burned within our bosoms how 
 vainly did we flatter ourselves, feeling happy in its first up 
 springing, that our happiness would strengthen with its strength ! 
 Alas ! as it grew, so grew in our hearts the dread of that evil 
 hour which was hurrying to separate us forever ! Thus, in 
 time, it became painful to love. Hate would have been mercy 
 then.
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 377 
 
 Monos. Speak not here of these griefs, dear Una mine, 
 mine Ibrever now ! 
 
 Una. But the memory of past sorrow is it not present joy ? 
 I have much to say yet of the things which have been. Above 
 all, 1 burn to know the incidents of your own passage through 
 the dark Valley and Shadow. 
 
 Monos. And when did the radiant Una ask anything of her 
 Monos in vain ? I will be minute in relating all but at what 
 point shall the weird narrative begin ? 
 
 Una. At what point ? 
 
 Monos. You have said. 
 
 Una. Monos, I comprehend you. In Death we have both 
 learned the propensity of man to define the indefinable. I will 
 not say, then, commence with the moment of life's cessation 
 but commence with that sad, sad instant when, the fever having 
 abandoned you, you sank into a breathless and motionless torpor, 
 and I pressed down your pallid eyelids with the passionate fingers 
 of love. 
 
 Monos. One word first, my Una, in regard to man's general 
 condition at this epoch. You will remember that one or two of 
 the wise among our forefathers wise in fact, although not in the 
 world's esteem had ventured to doubt the propriety of the term 
 " improvement," as applied to the progress of our civilization. 
 There were periods in each of the five or six centuries im- 
 mediately preceding our dissolution, when arose some vigorous in- 
 tellect, boldly contending for those principles whose truth appears 
 now, to our disenfranchised reason, so utterly obvious principles 
 which should have taught our race to submit to the guidance of 
 the natural laws, rather than attempt their control. At long in- 
 tervals some master-minds appeared, looking upon each advance 
 in practical science as a retro-gradation in the true utility. Oc- 
 casionally the poetic intellect that intellect which we now feel to 
 nave been the most exalted of all since those truths which to us 
 were of the most enduring importance could only be reached by 
 that analogy which speaks in proof-tones to the imagination alone, 
 and to the unaided reason bears no weight occasionally did this 
 poetic intellect proceed a step farther in the evolving of the vague 
 idea of the philosophic, and find in the mystic parable that tella
 
 378 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 
 
 of the tree of knowledge, and of its forbidden fruit, death-pio. 
 ducing, a distinct intimation that knowledge was not meet foi 
 man in the infant condition of his soul. And these men the 
 poets living and perishing amid the scorn of the " utilitarians" 
 ot lough pedants, who arrogated to themselves a title which 
 could have been properly applied only to the scorned these men, 
 the poets, pondered piningly, yet not unwisely, upon the ancient 
 lays when our wants were not more simple than our enjoyments 
 were keen days when mirth was a word unknown, so solemnly 
 deep-toned was happiness holy, august and blissful days, when 
 blue rivers \an undammed, between hills unhewn, into far forest 
 solitudes, primaeval, odorous, and unexplored. 
 
 Yet these noble exceptions from the general 'misrule served but 
 to strengthen it by opposition. Alas ! we had fallen upon the 
 most evil of all our evil days. The great " movement" that 
 was the cant term went on : a diseased commotion, moral and 
 physical. Art the Arts arose supreme, and, once enthroned, 
 cast chains upon the intellect which had elevated them to power. 
 Man, because he could not but acknowledge the majesty of Na- 
 ture, fell into childish exultation at his acquired and still-in- 
 creasing dominion over her elements. Even while he stalked 
 a God in his own fancy, an infantine imbecility came over him. 
 As might be supposed from the origin of his disorder, he grew in- 
 fected with system, and with abstraction. He enwrapped himsell 
 in generalities. Among other odd ideas, that of universal equal- 
 ity gained ground ; and in the face of analogy and of God in 
 despite of the loud warning voice of the laws of gradation so 
 visibly pervading all things in Earth and Heaven wild attempts 
 at an omni-prevalent Democracy were made. Yet this evil 
 sprang necessarily from the leading evil, Knowledge. Man 
 could not both know and succumb. Meantime huge smoking 
 cities arose, innumerable. Green leaves shrank before the hot 
 breath of furnaces. The fair face of Nature was deformed as 
 with the ravages of some loathsome disease. And methinks, 
 sweet Una, even our slumbering sense of the forced and of the 
 far-fetched might have arrested us here. But now it appears 
 that we had worked out our own destruction in the perversion of 
 our taste, or rather in the blind neglect of its culture in the
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 379 
 
 schools. For, in truth, it was at this crisis that taste alone that 
 faculty which, holding a middle position between the pure intel- 
 lect and the moral sense, could never safely have been disregard, 
 ed it was now that taste alone could have led us gently back to 
 Beauty, to Nature, and to Life. But alas for the pure con- 
 templative spirit and majestic intuition of Plato ! Alas for the 
 itawmii which he justly regarded as an all-sufficient education for 
 the soul ! Alas for him and for it ! since both were most des- 
 perately needed when bcth were most entirely forgotten 01 
 despised.* 
 
 Pascal, a philosopher whom we both love, has said, how truly ! 
 " que tout notre raisGntientent se reduit a ceder an sentiment ;" 
 and it is not impossible that the sentiment of the natural, had time 
 permitted it, would have regained its old ascendancy over the 
 harsh mathematical reason of the schools. But this thing was 
 not to be. Prematurely induced by intemperance of knowledge, 
 the old age of the world drew on. This the mass of mankind saw 
 not, or, living lustily although unhappily, affected not to see. 
 But, for myself, the Earth's records had taught me to look for 
 widest ruin as the price of highest civilization. I had imbibed a 
 prescience of our Fate from comparison of China the simple and 
 enduring, with Assyria the architect, with Egypt the astrologer, 
 with Nubia, more crafty than either, the turbulent mother of all 
 Arts. In historyf of these regions I met with a ray from the Fu- 
 
 * " It will be hard to discover a better [method of education] than that 
 which the experience of so many ages has already discovered ; and this may be 
 summed up as consisting in gymnastics for the body, and music for the soul.' ; 
 Repub. lib. 2. " For this reason is a musical education most essential ; sine* 
 it causes Rhythm and Harmony to penetrate most intimately into the soul, ta- 
 king the strongest hold upon it, filling it with beauty and making the man beau 
 
 tiful-minded He will praise and admire the beautiful; will receive i*. 
 
 with joy into his soul, will feed upon it, and assimilate his own condition with 
 it. : ' Ibid. lib. 3. Music QiovaiKri) had, however, among the Athenians, a fai 
 more comprehensive signification than with us. It included not only the har 
 Iionies of time ai.d of tune, but the poetic diction, sentiment and creation 
 each in its widest sense. The study of music was with them, in fact, the gen- 
 eral cultivation of the taste of that which recognizes the beautiful in con- 
 tra-distinction from reason, which deals only with the true. 
 
 t " History," from laropav, to contemplate.
 
 380 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 
 
 Mire. The individual artificialities of the three latter were local 
 diseases of the Earth, and in their individual overthrows we had 
 seen local remedies applied ; but for the infected world at large I 
 could anticipate no regeneration save in death. That man, as a 
 race, should not become extinct, I saw that he must be " born 
 again." 
 
 And now it was, fairest and dearest, that we wrapped our spir- 
 its, daily, in dreams. Now it was that, in twilight, we discoursed 
 of the days to come, when the Art-scarred surface of the Earth, 
 having undergone that purification* which alone could efface its 
 rectangular obscenities, should clothe itself anew in the verdure 
 and the mountain-slopes and the smiling waters of Paradise, and 
 be rendered at length a fit dwelling-place for man : for man the 
 Death-purged for man to whose now exalted intellect there 
 should be poison in knowledge no more for the redeemed, regen- 
 erated, blissful, and now immortal, but still for the material, man. 
 
 U r na. Well do I remember these conversations, dear Monos ; 
 but the epoch of the fiery overthrow was not so near at hand as 
 we believed, and as the corruption you indicate did surely war- 
 rant us in believing. Men lived ; and died individually. You 
 yourself sickened, and passed into the grave ; and thither your 
 constant Una speedily followed you. And though the century 
 which has since elapsed, and whose conclusion brings us thus to- 
 gether once more, tortured our slumbering senses with no impa- 
 tience of duration, yet, my Monos, it was a century still. 
 
 Monos. Say, rather, a point in the vague infinity. Unques- 
 tionably, it was in the Earth's dotage that I died. Wearied at 
 heart with anxieties which had their origin in the general turmoil 
 and decay, I succumbed to the fierce fever. After some few days 
 of pain, and many of dreamy delirium replete with ecstasy, the 
 manifestations of which you mistook for pain, while I longed but 
 was impotent to undeceive you after some days there came upon 
 me, as you have said, a breathless and motionless torpor j and 
 this was termed Death by those who stood around me. 
 
 Words are vague things. My condition did not deprive me of 
 
 The word "purification" seems here to be used with reference to its rool 
 in the Greek *vp, firo.
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 381 
 
 sentience. It appeared to me not greatly dissimilar to the ex 
 treme quiescence of him, who, having slumbered long and pro- 
 foundly, lying motionless and fully prostrate in a midsummel 
 noon, begins to steal slowly back into consciousness, through the 
 mere sufficiency of his sleep, and without being awakened by ex. 
 ternal disturbances. 
 
 I breathed no longer. The pulses were still. The heart had 
 ceased to beat. Volition had not departed, but was powerless. 
 The senses were unusually active, although eccentrically so as- 
 suming often each other's functions at random. The taste and 
 the smell were inextricably confounded, and became one senti. 
 ment, abnormal and intense. The rose-water with which your 
 tenderness had moistened my lips to the last, affected me with 
 sweet fancies of flowers fantastic flowers, far more lovely than 
 any of the old Earth, but whose prototypes we have here bloom- 
 ing around us. The eyelids, transparent and bloodless, offered 
 no complete impediment to vision. As volition was in abeyance 
 the balls could not roll in their sockets but all objects within the 
 range of the visual hemisphere were seen with more or less dis- 
 tinctness ; the rays which fell upon the external retina, or into 
 the corner of the eye, producing a more vivid effect than those 
 which struck the front or interior surface. Yet, in the former 
 instance, this effect was so far anomalous that I appreciated it 
 only as sound sound sweet or discordant as the matters present- 
 ing themselves -at my side were light or dark in shade curved 
 or angular in outline. The hearing, at the same time, although 
 excited in degree, was not irregular in action estimating real 
 sounds with an extravagance of precision, not less than of sensi- 
 bility. Touch had undergone a modification more peculiar. Its 
 impressions were tardily received, but pertinaciously retained, 
 and resulted always in the highest physical pleasure. Thus the 
 pressure of your sweet fingers upon my eyelids, at first only rec- 
 ognised through vision, at length, long after their removal, filled 
 my whole being with a sensual delight immeasurable. I say 
 with a sensual delight. All my perceptions were purely sensual. 
 The materials furnished the passive brain by the senses were not 
 in the least degree wrought into shape by the deceased under- 
 standing. Of pain there was some little ; of pleasure there was
 
 382 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 
 
 much ; but of moral pain or pleasure none at all. Thus you) 
 wild sobs floated into my ear with all their mournful cadences, 
 and were appreciated in their every variation of sad tone ; but 
 they were soft musical sounds and no more ; they conveyed to 
 the extinct reason no intimation of the sorrows which gave them 
 birth ; while the large and constant tears which fell upon my 
 face, telling the bystanders of a heart which broke, thrilled every 
 fibre of my frame with ecstasy alone. And this was in truth the 
 Death of which these bystanders spoke reverently, in low whis- 
 pers you, sweet Una, gaspingly, with loud cries. 
 
 They attired me for the coffin three or four dark figures 
 which flitted busily to and fro. As these crossed the direct line 
 of my vision they affected me as forms ; but upon passing to my 
 side their images impressed me with the idea of shrieks, groans, 
 and other dismal expressions of terror, of horror, or of wo. You 
 alone, habited in a white robe, passed in all directions musically 
 about me. 
 
 The day waned ; and, as its light faded away, I became pos- 
 sessed by a vague uneasiness an anxiety such as the sleeper 
 feels when sad real sounds fall continuously within his ear low 
 distant bell-tones, solemn, at long but equal intervals, and com- 
 mingling with melancholy dreams. Night arrived ; and with its 
 shadows a heavy discomfort. It oppressed my limbs with the op- 
 pression of some dull weight, and was palpable. There was also 
 a moaning sound, not unlike the distant reverberation of surf, but 
 more continuous, which, beginning with the first twilight, had 
 grown in strength with the darkness. Suddenly lights were 
 brought into the room, and this reverberation became forthwith 
 interrupted into frequent unequal bursts of the same sound, but 
 less dreary and less distinct. The ponderous oppression was in 
 a great measure relieved ; and, issuing from the flame of each 
 lamp, (for there were many,) there flowed unbrokenly into my 
 ears a strain of melodious monotone. And when now, dear Una, 
 approaching the bed upon which I lay outstretched, you sat gently 
 by my side, breathing odor from your sweet lips, and pressing 
 them upon my brow, there arose tremulously within my bosom, 
 and mingling with the merely physical sensations which circum- 
 stances had called forth, a something akin to sentiment itself a
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MOM US A^D UNA. 383 
 
 feeling that, half appreciating, half responded to your earnest love 
 and sorrow ; but this feeling took no root in the pulseless heart, 
 and seemed indeed rather a shadow than a reality, and faded 
 quickly away, first into extreme quiescence, and then into a purely 
 sensual pleasure as before. 
 
 And now, from the wreck and the chaos of the usual senses, 
 there appeared to have arisen within me a sixth, all perfect. In 
 its exercise I found a wild delight yet a delight still physical, in- 
 asmuch as the understanding had in it no part. Motion in the 
 animal frame had fully ceased. No muscle quivered ; no nerve 
 thrilled ; no artery throbbed. But there seemed to have sprung 
 up in the brain, that of which no words could convey to the merely 
 human intelligence even an indistinct conception. Let me term 
 it a mental pendulous pulsation. It was the moral embodiment 
 of man's abstract idea of Time. By the absolute equalization 
 of this movement or of such as this had the cycles of the fir- 
 mamental orbs themselves, been adjusted. By its aid I measured 
 the irregularities of the clock upon the mantel, and of the watches 
 of the attendants. Their tickings came sonorously to my ears. 
 The slightest deviations from the true proportion and these devi- 
 ations were omni-prsevalent affected me just as violations of ab- 
 stract truth were wont, on earth, to affect the moral sense. Al. 
 though no two of the time-pieces in the chamber struck the indi- 
 vidual seconds accurately together, yet I had no difficulty in hold- 
 ing steadily in mind the tones, and the respective momentary 
 errors of each. And this this keen, perfect, self-existing senti- 
 ment of duration this sentiment existing (as man could not pos- 
 sibly have conceived it to exist) independently of any succession 
 of events this idea this sixth sense, upspringing from the ashes 
 of the rest, was the first obvious and certain step of the intempo- 
 ral soul upon the threshold of the temporal Eternity. 
 
 It was midnight ; and you still sat by my side. All others 
 had departed from the chamber of Death. They had deposited 
 me in the coffin. The lamps burned flickeringly ; for this I knew 
 by the tremulousness of the monotonous strains. But, suddenly 
 these strains diminished in distinctness and in volume. Finally 
 they ceased. The perfume in my nostrils died away. Forms 
 affected my vision no longer. The oppression of the Darkness
 
 384 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 
 
 uplifted itself from my bosom. A dull shock like that of elec- 
 tricity pervaded my frame, and was followed by total loss of the 
 idea of contact. All of what man has termed sense was merged 
 in the sole consciousness of entity, and in the one abiding senti- 
 ment of duration. The mortal body had been at length stricken 
 with the hand of the deadly Decay. 
 
 Yet had not all of sentience departed ; for the consciousness 
 and the sentiment remaining supplied some of its functions by a 
 lethargic intuition. I appreciated the direful change now in ope- 
 ration upon the flesh, and, as the dreamer is sometimes aware 
 of the bodily presence of one who leans over him, so, sweet Una, 
 [ still dully felt that you sat by my side. So, too, when the 
 noon of the second day came, I was not unconscious of those 
 movements which displaced you from my side, which confined 
 me within the coffin, which deposited me within the hearse, which 
 bore me to the grave, which lowered me within it, which heaped 
 heavily the mould upon me, and which thus left me, in blackness 
 and corruption, to my sad and solemn slumbers with the worm. 
 
 And here, in the prison-house which has few secrets to disclose, 
 there rolled away days and weeks and months ; and the soul 
 watched narrowly each second as it flew, and, without effort, 
 took record of its flight without effort and without object. 
 
 A year passed. The consciousness of being had grown hour- 
 ly more indistinct, and that of mere locality had, in great meas- 
 ure, usurped its position. The idea of entity was becoming 
 merged in that of place. The narrow space immediately sur- 
 rounding what had been the body, was now growing to be the 
 body itself. At length, as often happens to the sleeper (by sleep 
 and its world alone is Death imaged) at length, as sometimes 
 happened on Earth to the deep slumberer, when some flitting 
 light half startled him into awaking, yet left him half enveloped 
 in dreams so to me, in the strict embrace of the Shadow, came 
 that light which alone might have had power to startle the light 
 of enduring Love. Men toiled at the grave in which I lay darkling. 
 They upthrew the damp earth. Upon my mouldering bones there 
 descended the coffin of Una. 
 
 And now again all was void. That nebulous light had been 
 extinguished. That feeble thrill had vibrated itself into quies-
 
 THE COLLOQUY OF MONOS AND UNA. 385 
 
 cence. Many lustra had supervened. Dust had returned to 
 dust. The worm had food no more. The sense of being had at 
 length utterly departed, and there reigned in its stead instead of 
 all things dominant and perpetual the autocrats Place and 
 Time. For that which was not for that which had no form 
 for that which had no thought for that which had no sentience 
 for that which was soulless, yet of which matter formed no por 
 lion for all this nothingness, yet for all this immortality, tits, 
 grave was still a home, and the corrosive hours, co-mate^
 
 THE 
 
 TIvp <roi irpoiTourcj ' 
 . I will bring fire to thee. 
 
 Eui ipides Androm : 
 
 EIROS. 
 
 WHY do you call me Eiros ? 
 
 CHARMION. 
 
 So henceforward will you always be called. You must forget, 
 too, my earthly name, and speak to me as Charmion. 
 
 EIROS. 
 
 This is indeed no dream ! 
 
 CHARMION. 
 
 Dreams are with us no more ; but of these mysteries anon. 
 1 rejoice to see you looking life-like and rational. The film of 
 the shadow has already passed from off your eyes. Be of heart, 
 and fear nothing. Your allotted days of stupor have expired.; 
 and, to-morrow, I will myself induct you into the full joys and 
 wonders of your novel existence. 
 
 EIROS. 
 
 True I feel no stupor none at all. The wild sickness and 
 Ihe terrible darkness have left me, and I hear no longer that mad, 
 rushing, horrible sound, like the "voice of many waters." Yet 
 my senses are bewildered, Charmion, with the keenness of their 
 perception of the new. 
 
 CHARMION. 
 
 A few days will remove all this ; but I fully understand you, 
 and feel for you. It is now ten earthly years since I underwent
 
 THE CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CHARMION. 387 
 
 what you undergo yet the remembrance of it hangs by me still, 
 You have now suffered all of pain, however, which you will 
 suffer in Aidenn. 
 
 EIROS. 
 
 In Aidenn ? 
 
 CHARMION. 
 
 In Aidenn. 
 
 EIROS. 
 
 Oh God ! pity me, Charmion ! I am overburthened with the 
 majesty of all things of the unknown now known of the spec- 
 ulative Future merged in the august and certain Present. 
 
 CHARMION. 
 
 Grapple not now with such thoughts. To-morrow we will 
 speak of this. Your mind wavers, and its agitation will find re- 
 lief in the exercise of simple memories. Look not around, nor 
 forward but back. I am burning with anxiety to hear the de- 
 tails of that stupendous event which threw you among us. Tell 
 me of it. Let us converse of familiar things, in the old familiaf 
 language of the world which has so fearfully perished. 
 
 EIROS. 
 Most fearfully, fearfully ! this is indeed no dream. 
 
 CHARMION. ' 
 Dreams are no more. Was I much mourned, my Eiros ? 
 
 EIROS. 
 
 Mourned, Charmion ? oh deeply. To that last hour of all, 
 there hung a cloud of intense gloom and devout sorrow over youl 
 household. 
 
 CHARMION. 
 
 And that last hour speak of it. Remember that, beyond the 
 naked fact of the catastrophe itself, I know nothing. When, 
 coming out from among mankind, I passed into Night through 
 the Grave at that period, if I remember aright, the calamity 
 which overwhelmed you was utterly unanticipated. But, in- 
 deed, I knew little of the speculative philosophy of the day. 
 
 EIROS. 
 The individual calamity was, as you say, entirely unantici-
 
 388 THE CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CHARMION. 
 
 pated ; but a >.alogous misfortunes had been long a subject of dis. 
 cussion with astronomers. I need scarce tell you, my friend, 
 that, even w'ien you left us, men had agreed to understand those 
 passages in the most holy writings which speak of the final de 
 s! ruction of all things by fire, as having reference to the orb of 
 the earth alone. But in regard to the immediate agency of the 
 ruin, speculation had been at fault from that epoch in astronom 
 ical knowledge in which the comets were divested of the terror* 
 of flame. The very moderate density of these bodies had been 
 well established. They had been observed to pass among the 
 satellites of Jupiter, without bringing about any sensible altera- 
 tion either in the masses or in the orbits of these secondary 
 planets. We had long regarded the wanderers as vapory ere- 
 ations of inconceivable tenuity, and as altogether incapable of 
 doing injury to our substantial globe, even in the event of con. 
 tact. But contact was not in any degree dreaded ; for the ele- 
 ments of all the comets were accurately known. That among 
 them we should look for the agency of the threatened fiery de- 
 struction had been for many years considered an inadmissible 
 idea. But wonders and wild fancies had been, of late days, 
 strangely rife among mankind j and, although it was only with a 
 few of the ignorant that actual apprehension prevailed, upon the 
 announcement by astronomers of a new comet, yet this announce 
 ment was generally received with I know not what of agitation 
 and mistrust. 
 
 The elements of the strange orb were immediately calculated, 
 and it was at once conceded by all observers, that its path, at 
 perihelion, would bring it into very close proximity with the 
 earth. There were two or three astronomers, of secondary note., 
 who resolutely maintained that a contact was inevitable. I can- 
 not very well express to you the effect of this intelligence upon 
 the people. For a few short days they would not believe an as 
 sertion which their intellect, so long employed among worldly con- 
 siderations, could not in any manner grasp. But the truth of a 
 vitally important fact soon makes its way into the understanding 
 of even the most stolid. Finally, all men saw that astronomical 
 knowledge lied not, and they awaited the comet. Its approach 
 was not, at first, seemingly rapid ; nor was its appearance of
 
 THK CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CHARMKXN. 3S9 
 
 very unusual character. It was of a dull red, and had little per- 
 cepuble train. For seven or eight days we saw no material in- 
 crease in its apparent diameter, and but a partial alteration in its 
 color. Meantime, the ordinary affairs of men were discarded, 
 and all interests absorbed in a growing discussion, instituted by 
 the philosophic, in respect to the cometary nature. Even the 
 grossly ignorant aroused their sluggish capacities to such con- 
 siderations. The learned now gave their intellect their soul to 
 no such points as the allaying of fear, or to the sustenance of loved 
 theory. They sought they panted for right views, They groaned 
 ior perfected knowledge. Truth arose in the purity of her strength 
 and exceeding majesty, and the wise bowed down and adored. 
 
 That material injury to our globe or to its inhabitants would 
 result from the apprehended contact, was an opinion which hour- 
 ly lost ground among the wise ; and the wise were now freely 
 permitted to rule the reason and the fancy of the crowd. It was 
 demonstrated, that the density of the comet's nucleus was far less 
 than that of our rarest gas ; and the harmless passage of a similar 
 visitor among the satellites of Jupiter was a point strongly insisted 
 upon, and which served greatly to allay terror. Theologists, with 
 an earnestness fear-enkindled, dwelt upon the biblical prophecies, 
 and expounded them to the people with a directness and simplicity 
 of which no previous instance had been known. That the final 
 destruction of the earth must be brought about by the agency of 
 fire, was urged with a spirit that enforced every where conviction ; 
 and that the comets were of no fiery nature (as all men now 
 knew) was a truth which relieved all, in a great measure, from 
 the apprehension of the great calamity foretold. It is noticeable 
 that the popular prejudices and vulgar errors in regard to pesti- 
 lences and wars errors which were wont to prevail upon every 
 appearance of a comet were now altogether unknown. As if 
 by some sudden convulsive exertion, reason had at once hurled 
 superstition from her throne. The feeblest intellect had derived 
 vigor from excessive interest. 
 
 What minor evils might arise from the contact were points of 
 elaborate question. The learned spoke of slight geological dis- 
 turbances, of probable alterations in climate, and consequently in 
 vegetation ; of uossible magnetic and electric influences. Many
 
 390 THE CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CHARMION. 
 
 held that no visible or perceptible effect would in any manner be 
 produced. While such discussions were going on, their subject 
 gradually approached, growing larger in apparent diameter, and 
 of a more brilliant lustre. Mankind grew paler as it came. All 
 human operations were suspended. 
 
 There was an epoch in the course of the general sentiment 
 when the comet had attained, at length, a size surpassing that of- 
 any previously recorded visitation. The people now, dismissing 
 any lingering hope that the astronomers were wrong, experienced 
 all the certainty of evil. The chimerical aspect of their terror 
 was gone. The hearts of the stoutest of our race beat violently 
 within their bosoms. A very few days sufficed, however, to 
 merge even such feelings in sentiments more unendurable. We 
 could no longer apply to the strange orb any accustomed thoughts. 
 Its historical attributes had disappeared. It oppressed us with a 
 hideous novelty of emotion. We saw it not as an astronomical 
 phenomenon in the heavens', but as an incubus upon our hearts, 
 and a shadow upon our brains. It had taken, with inconceivable 
 rapidity, the character of a gigantic mantle of rare flame, extend 
 ing from horizon to horizon. 
 
 Yet a day, and men breathed with greater freedom. It was 
 clear that we were already within the influence of the comet ; 
 yet we lived. We even felt an unusual elasticity of frame and 
 vivacity of mind. The exceeding tenuity of the object of our 
 dread was apparent ; for all heavenly objects were plainly visible 
 through it. Meantime, our vegetation had perceptibly altered ; 
 and we gained faith, from this predicted circumstance, in the fore- 
 sight of tbe wise. A wild luxuriance of foliage, utterly unknown 
 before, burst out upon every vegetable thing. 
 
 Yet another day and the evil was not altogether upon us. It 
 was now evident that its nucleus would first reach us. A wild 
 change had come over all men ; and the first sense of pain was 
 ihe wild signal for general lamentation and horror. This first 
 sense of pain lay in a rigorous constriction of the breast and 
 lungs, and an insufferable dryness of the skin. It could not be 
 denied that our atmosphere was radically affected ; the conforma- 
 tion of this atmosphere and the possible modifications to which it 
 might be subjected, were now the topics of discussion. The re-
 
 THE CONVERSATION OF EIROS AND CIIARMION. 391 
 
 suit of investigation sent an electric thrill of the intensest terror 
 through the universal heart of man. 
 
 It had been long known that the air which encircled us was a 
 compound of oxygen and nitrogen gases, in the proportion 01 
 twenty-one measures of oxygen, and seventy-nine of nitrogen, in 
 every one hundred of the atmosphere. Oxygen, which was the 
 principle of combustion, and the vehicle of heat, was absolutely 
 necessary to the support of animal life, and was the most power- 
 ful and energetic agent in nature. Nitrogen, en the contrary, 
 was incapable of supporting cither animal life or flame. An un- 
 natural excess of oxygen would result, it had been ascertained, 
 in just such an elevation of the animal spirits as we had lat- 
 terly experienced. It was the pursuit, the -extension of the idea, 
 which had engendered awe. What would be the result of a to- 
 tal extraction of the nitrogen ? A combustion irresistible, all- 
 devouring, omni-prevalent, immediate ; the entire fulfilment, in 
 all their minute and terrible details, of the fiery and horror-in- 
 spiring denunciations of the prophecies of the Holy Book. 
 
 Why need I paint, Charmion, the now disenchained frenzy of 
 mankind ? That tenuity in the comet which had previously in- 
 spired us with hope, was now the source of the bitterness of de- 
 spair. In its impalpable gaseous character we clearly perceived 
 the consummation of Fate. Meantime a day again passed 
 bearing away with it the last shadow of Hope. We gasped in 
 the rapid modification of the air. The red blood bounded tumul- 
 tuously through its strict channels. A furious dehiium possessed 
 all men ; and, with arms rigidly outstretched towards the threat- 
 ening heavens, they trembled and shrieked aloud. But the nu 
 cleus of the destroyer was now upon us ; even here in Aidenn, 
 I shudder while I speac. Let me be brief brief as the ruin that 
 overwhelmed. For a moment there was a wild lurid light alone, 
 visiting and penetrating all things. Then let us bow down 
 Charmion, before the excessive majesty of the great God ! then, 
 there came a shouting and pervading sound, as if from the mouth 
 itself of HIM ; while the whole incumbent mass of ether in which 
 we existed, burst at once into a species of intense flame, for whose 
 surpassing brilliancy and all-fervid htat even the angels in the 
 high Heaven of pure knowledge have no name. Thus ended all.
 
 SHADOW, -A PARABLE, 
 
 Yea ! though I walk through the valley of the Shadow : Psalm of David 
 
 YE who read are still among the living: but I who write shall 
 have long since gone my way into the region of shadows. For 
 indeed strange things shall happen, and secret things be known, 
 and many centuries shall pass away, ere these memorials be seen 
 of men. And, when seen, there will be some to disbelieve, ana 
 Borne to doubt, and yet a few who will find much to ponder upon 
 in the characters here graven with a stylus of iron. 
 
 The year had been a year of terror, and of feelings more intense 
 than terror for which there is no name upon the earth. For many 
 prodigies and signs had taken place, and far and wide, over sea 
 and land, the black wings of the Pestilence were spread abroad. 
 To those, nevertheless, tunning in the stars, it was not unknown 
 that the heavens wore an aspect of ill ; and to me, the Greek 
 Oinos, among others, it was evident that now had arrived the 
 alternation of that seven hundred and ninety-fourth year when, at 
 the entrance of Aries, the planet Jupiter is conjoined with the red 
 ring of the terrible Saturnus. The peculiar spirit of the skies, if I 
 mistake not greatly, made itself manifest, not only in the physical 
 orb of the earth, but in the souls, imaginations, and meditations 
 of mankind. 
 
 Over some flasks of the red Chian wine, within the walls of a 
 noble hall, in a dim city called Ptolemais, we sat, at night, a com- 
 pany of seven. And to our chamber there was no entrance save 
 by a lofty door of brass : and the door was fashioned by the arti- 
 san Corinnos, and, being of rare workmanship, was fastened from
 
 SHADOW. A PARABLE. 393 
 
 A'ithin. Black draperies, likewise, in the gloomy room, shut out 
 from our view the moon, the lurid stars, and the peopleless streets 
 but the boding and the memory of Evil, they would not be so 
 excluded. There were things around us and about of which I can 
 render no distinct account things material and spiritual heavi- 
 ness in the atmosphere a sense of suffocation anxiety and, 
 above all, that terrible state of existence which the nervous experi- 
 ence when the senses are keenly living and awake, and meanwhile 
 the powers of thought lie dormant. A dead weight hung upon 
 us. It hung upon our limbs upon the household furniture 
 upon the goblets from which we drank ; and all things were 
 depressed, and borne down thereby all things save only the 
 flames of the seven iron lamps which illumined our revel. Up- 
 rearing themselves in tall slender lines of light, they thus remained 
 burning all pallid and motionless ; and in the mirror which their 
 lustre formed upon the round table of ebony at which we sat, each 
 of us there assembled beheld the pallor of his own countenance, 
 and the unquiet glare in the downcast eyes of his companions. 
 Yet we laughed and were merry in our proper way which was 
 hysterical ; and sang the songs of Anacreon which are madness ; 
 and drank deeply although the purple wine reminded us of blood. 
 For there was yet another tenant of our chamber in the person of 
 young Zoilus. Dead, and at full length he lay, enshrouded ; the 
 genius and the demon of the scene. Alas ! he bore 110 portion in 
 our mirth, save that his co.untenance, distorted with the plague, and 
 his eyes in which Death had but half extinguished the fire of the 
 pestilence, seemed to take such interest in our merriment as the 
 dead may haply take in the merriment of those who are to die. 
 But although I, Oinos, felt that the eyes of the departed were 
 upon me, still I forced myself not to perceive the bitterness of 
 their expression, and, gazing down steadily into the depths of the 
 ebony mirror, sang with a loud and sonorous voice the songs of 
 the son of Teios. But gradually my songs they ceased, and their 
 echoes, rolling afar off among the sable draperies of the chamber, 
 became weak, and undistinguishable, and so faded away. And 
 lo ! from among those sable draperies where the sounds of the 
 song departed, there came forth a dark and undefined shadow n 
 shadow such as the moon, when low in heaven, might fashion
 
 394 SHADOW. A PARABLE. 
 
 from the figure of a man : Imt it was the shadow neither of nifin 
 nor of God, nor of any familiar thing. And quivering awhile 
 lunong the draperies of the room, it at length rested in full view 
 upon the surface of the door of brass. But the shadow was 
 vague, and formless, and indefinite, and was the shadow neither of 
 man nor God neither God of Greece, nor God of Chaldsea, noi 
 any Egyptian God. And the shadow rested upon the brazen 
 doorway, and under the arch of the entablature of the door, and 
 moved not, nor spoke any word, but there became stationary and 
 remained. And the door whereupon the shadow rested was, if I 
 remember aright, over against the feet of the young Zoilus en- 
 shrouded. But we, the seven there assembled, having seen the 
 shadow as it came out from among the draperies, dared not stead- 
 ily behold it, but cast down our eyes, and gazed continually 
 into the depths of the mirror of ebony. And at length I, Oinos, 
 speaking some low words, demanded of the shadow its dwelling 
 and its appellation. And the shadow answered, " I am SHADOW, 
 and my dwelling is near to the Catacombs of Ptolemais, and hard 
 by those dim plains of Helusion which border upon the foul 
 Charonian canal." And then did we, the seven, start from our 
 Beats in horror, and stand trembling, and shuddering, and aghast* 
 for the tones in the voice of the shadow were not the tones of 
 any one being, but of a multitude of beings, and, varying in their 
 uadences from syllable to syllable, fell duskily upon our ears in the 
 well remembered and familiar accents of many thousand departed 
 friends.
 
 SILENCE.-A FABLE, 
 
 <rs xai -^0.^0.8^0.1. ALCMAN 
 
 The mountain piniiacles slumber ; valleys, crags and caves are silent. 
 
 " LISTEN to me," said the Demon, as he placed his hand upon 
 my head. " The region of which I speak is a dreary region in 
 Libya, by the borders of the river Zaire. And there is no quiet 
 there, nor silence. 
 
 "The waters of the river have a saffron and sickly hue; and 
 they flow not onward to the sea, but palpitate forever and forever 
 beueath the red eye of the sun with a tumultuous and convulsive 
 motion. For many miles on either side of the river's oozy bed is 
 a pale desert of gigantic water-lilies. They sigh one unto the 
 other in that solitude, and stretch towards the heaven their long 
 and ghastly necks, and nod to and fro their everlasting heads. 
 And there is an indistinct murmur which cometh out from among 
 them like the rushing of subterrene water. And they sigh one 
 Onto the other. 
 
 " But there is a boundary to their realm the boundary of the 
 dark, horrible, lofty forest. There, like the waves about the He- 
 brides, the low underwood is agitated continually. But there is 
 no wind throughout the heaven. And the tall primeval trees rock 
 eternally hither and thither with a crashing and mighty sound. 
 And from their high summits, one by one, drop everlasting dew?. 
 And at the roots strange poisonous flowers lie writhing in perturbed 
 alumber. And overhead, with a rustling and loud noise, the grav
 
 396 SILENCE. A FABLE. 
 
 clouds rush westwardly forever, until they roll, a cataract, over tht 
 fiery wall of the horizon. But there is no wind throughout the 
 heaven. And by the shores of the river Zaire there is neither 
 quiet nor silence. 
 
 " It was night, and the rain fell ; and, falling, it was rain, but, 
 having fallen, it was blood. And I stood in the morass among 
 the tall lilies, and the rain fell upon my head and the lilies sighed 
 one unto the other in the solemnity of their desolation. 
 
 " And, all at once, the moon arose through the thin ghastly 
 mist, and was crimson in color. And mine eyes fell upon a huge 
 gray rock which stood by the shore of the river, and was lighted 
 by the light of the moon. And the rock was gray, and ghastly, 
 and tall, and the rock was gray. Upon its front were characters 
 engraven in the stone ; and I walked through the morass of water- 
 lilies, until I came close unto the shore, that I might read the 
 characters upon the stone. But I could not decypher them. And 
 I was going back into the morass, when the moon shone with a 
 fuller red, and I turned and looked again upon the rock, and upon 
 the characters ; and the characters were DESOLATION. 
 
 " And I looked upwards, and there stood a man upon the sum 
 init of the rock ; and I hid myself among the water-lilies that I 
 might discover the actions of the man. And the man was tall and 
 stately in form, and was wrapped up from his shoulders to his 
 feet in the toga of old Rome. And the outlines of his figure were 
 indistinct but his features were the features of a deity ; for the 
 mantle of the night, and of the mist, and of the moon, and of the 
 dew, had left uncovered the features of his face. And his brow 
 was lofty with thought, and his eye wild with care ; and, in the 
 few furrows upon his cheek I read the fables of sorrow, and wea- 
 riness, and disgust with mankind, and a longing after solitude. 
 
 " And the man sat upon the rock, and leaned his head upon Ins 
 hand, and looked out upon the desolation. He looked down inlo 
 the low unquiet shrubbery, and up into the tall primeval trees. 
 and up higher at the rustling heaven, and into the crimson moon. 
 And I lay close within shelter of the lilies, and observed th*H 
 actions of the man. And the man trembled in the solitude ; but 
 the night waned, and he sat upon the rock. 
 
 '' And the man turned his attention from the heaven, and looked
 
 SILENCE. A FABLE. 397 
 
 out upon the dreary river Zaire, and upon the yellow ghastly 
 waters, and upon the pale legions of the water-lilies. And the 
 man listened to the sighs of the water-lilies, and to the murmur 
 that came up from among them. And I lay close within my 
 covert and observed the actions of the man. And the man trem- 
 bled in the solitude ; but the night waned and he sat upon the 
 rock. 
 
 " Then I went down into the recesses of the morass, and waded 
 afar in among the wilderness of the lilies, and called unto the hip- 
 popotami which dwelt among the fens in the recesses of the morass. 
 And the hippopotami heard my call, and came, with the behe- 
 moth, unto the foot of the rock, and roared loudly and fearfully 
 beneath the moon. And I lay close within my covert and ob- 
 served the actions of the man. And the man trembled in the soli- 
 tude ; but the night waned and he sat upon the rock. 
 
 " Then I cursed the elements with the curse of tumult ; and a 
 frightful tempest gathered in the heaven, where, before, there had 
 been no wind. And the heaven became livid with the violence of 
 the tempest and the rain beat upon the head of the man and 
 the floods of the river came down and the river was tormented 
 into foarn and the water-lilies shrieked wilLm their beds and 
 the forest crumbled before the wind and the thunder rolled and 
 the lightning fell and the rock rocked to its foundation. And I 
 lay close within my covert and observed the actions of the man. 
 And the man trembled in the solitude ; but the night waned and 
 he sat upon the rock. 
 
 " Then I grew angry and cursed, with the curse of silence, the 
 river, and the lilies, and the wind, and the forest, and the heaven, 
 and the thunder, and the sighs of the water-lilies. And they be- 
 came accursed, and were still. And the moon ceased to totter up 
 its pathway to heaven and the thunder died away and the 
 lightning did not flash and the clouds hung motionless and the 
 waters sunk to their level and remained and the trees ceased to 
 rock and the water-lilies sighed no more and the murmur was 
 heard no longer from among them, nor any shadow of sound 
 throughout the vast illimitable desert. And I looked upon the 
 characters of the rock, and they were changed ; and the charac- 
 ters were SIT.EXCE.
 
 398 SILENCE. A FABLE. 
 
 "And mine eyes fell upon the countenance of the man, and his 
 countenance was wan with terror. And, hurriedly, he raised his 
 head from his hand, and stood forth upon the rock and listened, 
 But there was no voice throughout the vast illimitable desert, and 
 the characters upon the rock were SILENCE. And the man shud- 
 dered, and turned his face away, and fled afar off, in haste, so 
 that I beheld him no more." 
 
 * * ***** 
 
 Now there are fine tales in the volumes of the Magi in the 
 iron-bound, melancholy volumes of the Magi. Therein, I say, are 
 glorious histories of the Heaven, and of the Earth, and of the 
 mighty sea and of the Genii that overruled the sea, and the 
 earth, and the lofty heaven. There was much lore too in the say- 
 ings which were said by the Sybils ; and holy, holy things were 
 heard of old by the dim leaves that trembled around Dodona 
 but, as Allah liveth, that fable which the demon told me as he sat 
 by my side in the shadow of the tomb, I hold to be the most won- 
 derful of all ! And as the Demon made an end of his story, he 
 fell back within the cavity of the tomb and laughed. And I could 
 not laugh with the Demon, and he cursed me because I could not 
 laugh. And the lynx which dwelleth forever in the tomb, came 
 out therefrom, and lay down at the feet of the Demou, and looked 
 at him steadily in the face.
 
 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE 
 
 IN the internal decoration, if not in the external architecture of 
 their residences, the English are supreme. The Italians have bu 
 little sentiment beyond marbles and colors. In France, meliora 
 probant, deteriora sequuntur the people are too much a race of 
 gad-abouts to maintain those household proprieties of which 
 indeed, they have a delicate appreciation, or at least the elements 
 of a proper sense. The Chinese and most of the eastern races 
 have a warm but inappropriate fancy. The Scotch arQpoor decor- 
 ists. The Dutch have, perhaps, an indeterminate idea that a cur- 
 tain is not a cabbage. In Spain they are all curtains- a nation 
 of hangmen. The Russians do not furnish. The Hottentots and 
 Kickapoos are very well in their way. The Yankees alone are 
 preposterous. 
 
 How this happens, it is not difficult to see. We have no aris- 
 tocracy of blood, and having therefore as a natural, and indeed 
 as an inevitable thing, fashioned for ourselves an aristocracy of 
 dollars, the display of loealth has here to take the place and per- 
 form the office of the heraldic display in monarchical countries. 
 By a transition readily understood, and which might have been 
 as readily foreseen, we have been brought to merge in simple 
 show our notions of taste itself. 
 
 To speak less abstractly. In England, for example, no mere 
 parade of costly appurtenances would be so likely as with us, to 
 create an impression of the beautiful in respect to the appurte- 
 nances themselves or of taste as regards the proprietor : this 
 for the reason, first, that wealth is not, in England, the loftiest
 
 400 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE. 
 
 object of ambition as constituting a nobility ; and secondly, that 
 there, the true nobility of blood, confining itself within the strict 
 limits of legitimate taste, rather avoids than affects that mere cost 
 iiness in which a, parvenu rivalry may at any time be successfully 
 attempted. The people will imitate the nobles, and the result is 
 a thorough diffusion of the proper feeling. But in America, the 
 coins current being the sole arms of the aristocracy, their display 
 may be said, in general, to be the sole means of aristocratic dis- 
 tinction ; and the populace, looking always upward for models, 
 are insensibly led to confound the two entirely separate ideas of 
 magnificence and beauty. In short, the cost of an article of furni- 
 ture has at length come to be, with us, nearly the sole test of its 
 merit in a decorative point of view and this test, once establish- 
 ed, has led the way to many analogous errors, readily traceable 
 to the one primitive folly. 
 
 There could be nothing more directly offensive to the eye of an 
 artist than the interior of what is termed in the United States 
 that is to say, in Appallachia a well-furnished apartment. Its 
 most usual defect is a want of keeping. We speak of the keeping 
 of a room as we would of the keeping of a picture for both the 
 picture and the room are amenable to those undeviating principles 
 which regulate all varieties of art; and very nearly the same laws 
 by which we decide on the higher merits of a painting, suffice for 
 decision on the adjustment of a chamber. 
 
 A want of keeping is observable sometimes in the character of 
 the several pieces of furniture, but generally in their colors or modes 
 of adaptation to use. Very often the eye is offended by their 
 inartistical arrangement. Straight lines are too prevalent too 
 uninterruptedly continued or clumsily interrupted at right angles. 
 If curved lines occur, they are repeated into unpleasant uniformity. 
 By undue precision, the appearance of many a fine apartment is 
 utterly spoiled. 
 
 Curtains are rarely well disposed, or well choser in respect to 
 other decorations. With formal furniture,- curtains are out of 
 place ; and an extensive volume of drapery of any kind is, under 
 any circumstances, irreconcilable with good taste the proper quan- 
 tum, as well as the proper adjustment, depending upon the charac- 
 ter of the general effect.
 
 PHILOSOPHY OF FU11NITURE. 401 
 
 Carpets are better understood of late than of ancient days, but 
 we still very frequently err in their patterns and colors. The soul 
 of the apartment is the carpet. From it are deduced not only 
 the hues but the forms of all objects incumbent. A judge at 
 common law may be an ordinary man ; a good judge of a carpet 
 must be a genius. Yet we have heard discoursing of carpets, with 
 the air " d'un mouton qui rcve" fellows who should not and who 
 could not be entrusted with the management of their own mous- 
 taches. Every one knows that a large floor may have a covering 
 of large figures, and that a small one must have a covering of 
 small yet this is not all the knowledge in the world. As regards 
 texture, the Saxony is alone admissible. Brussels is the preter- 
 pluperfect tense of fashion, and Turkey is taste in its dying ago- 
 nies. Touching pattern a carpet should not be bedizzened out 
 like a Riccaree Indian all red chalk, yellow ochre, and cock's 
 feathers. In brief distinct grounds, and vivid circular or cycloid 
 figures, of no meaning, are here Median laws. The abomination 
 of flowers, or representations of well-known objects of any kind, 
 should not be endured within the limits of Christendom. Indeed, 
 whether on carpets, or curtains, or tapestry, or ottoman coverings, 
 all upholstery of this nature should be rigidly Arabesque. As for 
 those antique floor-cloths still occasionally seen in the dwellings 
 of the rabble cloths of huge, sprawling, and radiating devises, 
 stripe-interspersed, and glorious with all hues, among which no 
 ground is intelligible these are but the wicked invention of a 
 race of time-servers, and money-lovers children of Baal and wor- 
 shippers of Mammon Benthams, who, to spare thought and 
 economize fancy, first cruelly invented the Kaleidoscope, and then 
 established joint-stock companies to twirl it by steam. 
 
 Glare is a leading error in the philosophy of American house- 
 hold decoration an error easily recognised as deduced from the 
 perversion of taste just specified. We are violently enamored of 
 gas and of glass. The former is totally inadmissible within doors. 
 Its harsh and unsteady light offends. No one having both brains 
 and eyes will use it. A mild, or what artists term a cool light, 
 with its consequent warm shadows, will do wonders for even an 
 ill-furnished apartment. Never was a more lovely thought than 
 that of the astral lamp. We mean, of course, the astral lamp
 
 402 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE. 
 
 proper the lamp of Argand, with its origitial plain ground-glass 
 shade, and its tempered and uniform moonlight rays. The cut- 
 glass shade is a weak invention of the enemy. The eagerness 
 with which we have adopted it, partly on account of its flashiness, 
 hut principally on account of its greater cost, is a good commen- 
 tary on the proposition with which we began. It is not too much 
 to say, that the deliberate employer of a cut-glass shade, is either 
 radically deficient in taste, or blindly subservient to the caprices 
 of fashion. The light proceeding from one of these gaudy abomi- 
 nations is unequal, broken, and painful. It alone is sufficient to 
 mar a world of good effect in the furniture subjected to its influ- 
 ence. Female loveliness, in especial, is more than one-half disen- 
 chanted beneath its evil eye. 
 
 In the matter of glass, generally, we proceed upon false prin- 
 cipies. Its leading feature is glitter and in that one word how 
 much of all that is detestable do we express ! Flickering, unquiet 
 lights, are sometimes pleasing to children and idiots always so 
 but in the embellishment of a room they should be scrupulously 
 "voided. In truth, even strong steady lights are inadmissible. 
 The huge and unmeaning glass chandeliers, prism-cut, gas-lighted, 
 and without shade, which dangle in our most fashionable drawing- 
 rooms, may be cited as the quintessence of all that is false in taste 
 or preposterous in folly. 
 
 The rage for glitter because its idea has become, as we before 
 observed, confounded with that of magnificence in the abstract 
 has led us, also, to the exaggerated employment of mirrors. We 
 line our dwellings with great British plates, and then imagine we 
 have done a fine thing. Now the slightest thought will be suffi- 
 cient to convince any one who has an eye at all, of the ill effect 
 of numerous looking-glasses, and especially of large ones. Re- 
 garded apart from its reflection, the mirror presents a continuous, 
 flat, colorless, unrelieved surface, a thing always and obviously 
 unpleasant. Considered as a reflector, it is potent in producing 
 a monstrous and odious uniformity : and the evil is here aggra 
 vated, not in merely direct proportion with the augmentation of 
 its soxirces, but in a ratio constantly increasing. In fact, a room 
 with four or five mirrors arranged at random, is, for all purposes 
 of artistic show, a room of no shape at all. If we add to this evil,
 
 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE. 433 
 
 the attendant glitter upon glitter, we have a perfect farrago of 
 discordant and displeasing effects. The veriest bumpkin, on enter- 
 ing an apartment so bedizzeued, would be instantly aware of some- 
 thing wrong, although he might be altogether unable to assign a 
 cause for his dissatisfaction. But let the same person be led into 
 a room tastefully furnished, and he would be startled into an ex 
 clamation of pleasure and surprise. 
 
 It is an evil growing out of our republican institutions, that, 
 here a man of large purse has usually a very little soul which he 
 keeps in it. The corruption of taste is a portion or a pendant of 
 the dollar-manufacture. As we grow rich, our ideas grow rusty. 
 It is, therefore, not among our aristocracy that we must look (if 
 at all, in Appallachia,) for the spirituality of a British boudoir 
 But we have seen apartments in the tenure of Americans of modern 
 means, which, in negative merit at least, might vie with any of 
 the or-molu'd cabinets of our friends across the water. Even now, 
 there is present to our mind's eye a small and not ostentatious 
 chamber with whose decorations no fault can be found. The 
 proprietor lies asleep on a sofa the weather is cool the time is 
 near midnight : we will make a sketch of the room during his 
 slumber. 
 
 It is oblong some thirty feet in length and twenty-five in 
 breadth a shape affording the best (ordinary) opportunities for 
 the adjustment of furniture. It has but one door by .jo means 
 a wide one which is at one end of the parallelogram, and but 
 two windows, which are at the other. These latter ure large, 
 reaching down to the floor have deep recesses and open on an 
 Italian veranda. Their panes are of a crimson- tinted glass, set in 
 rose-wood framings, more massive than usual. They are curtained 
 within the recess, by a thick silver tissue adapted to the shape of 
 the window, and hanging loosely in small volumes. Without the 
 recess are curtains of an exceedingly rich crimson silk, fringed with 
 a deep network of gold, and lined with the silver tissue, which is 
 the material of the exterior blind. There are no cornices ; but tho 
 folds of the whole fabric (which are sharp rather than massive, 
 and have an airy appearance,) issue from beneath a broad entjtbla- 
 ture of rich giltwork, which encircles the room at the junction 
 of the ceiling and walls. The drapery is thrown ope*, also, or
 
 4U4 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURh-. 
 
 closed, by means of a thick rope of gold loosely enveloping it, and 
 resolving itself readily into a knot ; no pins or other such devices 
 are apparent. The colors of the curtains and their fringe the 
 tints of crimson and gold appear everywhere in profusion, and 
 determine the character of the room. The carpet of Saxony 
 material is quite half an inch thick, and is of the same crimson 
 ground, relieved simply by the appearance of a gold cord (like that 
 festooning the curtains) slightly relieved above the surface of the 
 ground, and thrown upon it in such a manner as to form a suc- 
 cession of short irregular curves one occasionally overlaying the 
 other. The walls are prepared with a glossy paper of a silver gray 
 tint, spotted with small Arabesque devices of a fainter hue of the 
 prevalent crimson. Many paintings relieve the expanse of the 
 paper. These are chiefly landscapes of an imaginative cast such 
 as the fairy grottoes of Stanfield, or the lake of the Dismal Swamp 
 of Chapman. There are, nevertheless, three or four female heads, 
 of an ethereal beauty portraits in the manner of Sully. The 
 tone of each picture is warm, but dark. There are no " brilliant 
 effects." Repose speaks in all. Not one is of small size. Di- 
 minutive paintings give that spotty look to a room, which is the 
 blemish of so many a fine work of Art overtouched. The frames 
 are broad but not deep, and richly carved, without being dulled 
 or filagreed. They have the whole lustre of burnished gold. 
 They lie flat on the walls, and do not hang off with cords. The 
 designs themselves are often seen to better advantage in this latter 
 position, but the general appearance of the chamber is injured. 
 But one mirror and this not a very large one is visible. In 
 shape it is nearly circular and it is hung so that a reflection of 
 the person can be obtained from it in none of the ordinary sitting- 
 places of the room. Two large low sofas of rosewood and crimson 
 silk, gold-flowered, form the only seats, with the exception of two 
 light conversation chairs, also of rose-wood. There is a piano- 
 forte, (rose-wood, also,) without cover, and thrown open. An 
 octagonal table, formed altogether of the richest gold-threaded 
 marble, is placed near one of the sofas. This is also without 
 cover the drapery of the curtains has been thought sufficient. 
 Four large and gorgeous Sevres vases, in which bloom a profusion 
 of sweet and vivid flowers, occupy the slightly rounded angles of
 
 PHILOSOPHY OF FURNITURE, 40o 
 
 the room. A tall candelabrum, bearing a small antique lamp 
 with highly perfumed oil, is standing near the head of my sleeping 
 friend. Some light and graceful hanging shelves, with golden 
 edges and crimson silk cords with gold tassels, sustain two ot 
 three hundred magnificently bound books. Beyond these things, 
 there is no furniture, if we except an Argand lamp, with a plain 
 crimson-tinted ground-glass shade, which depends from the lofty 
 vaulted ceiling by a single slender gold chain, and throws a tran 
 QUL but magical radiance over all.
 
 A TALE OF JERUSALEM, 
 
 Intensos rigidam in frontem ascendere canos 
 
 Passus erat 
 
 LUCAN De Catone. 
 
 a bristly bore. 
 
 Translation. 
 
 " LET us hurry to the walls," said Abel-Phittim to Buzi-Ben< 
 Levi and Simeon the Pharisee, on the tenth day of the month 
 Thammuz, in the year of the world three thousand nine hundred 
 and forty-one " let us hasten to the ramparts adjoining the gates 
 of Benjamin, which is in the city of David, and overlooking the 
 camp of the uncircumcised ; for it is the last hour of the fourth 
 watch, being sunrise ; and the idolaters, in fulfilment of the pro- 
 raise of Pompey, should be awaiting us with the lambs for the 
 sacrifices." 
 
 Simeon, Abel-Phittim, and Buzi-Ben-Levi, were the Gizbanrn, 
 01 sub-collectors of the offering, in the holy city of Jerusalem. 
 
 " Verily," replied the Pharisee, " let us hasten : for this generos- 
 ity in the heathen is unwonted; and fickle-mindedness has ever 
 been an attribute of the worshippers of Baal." 
 
 " That they are fickle-minded and treacherous is as true as the Pen- 
 tateuch," said Buzi-Ben-Levi, " but that is only towards the people 
 of Adonai. "When was it ever known that the Ammonites proved 
 wanting to their own interests ? Methinks it is no great stretch 
 of generosity to allow us lambs for the altar of the Lord, receiving 
 in lieu thereof thirty silver shekels per head !" 
 
 "Thou forgettest, however, Ben-Levi," replied Abel-Phittim, 
 " that the Roman Pompey, who is now impiously besieging the
 
 A TALE OF JERUSALEM. 407 
 
 city of the Most High, has no assurity that we apply not the 
 iambs thus purchased for the altar, to the sustenance of the body, 
 rather than of the spirit." 
 
 " Now, by the five corners of my beard," shouted the Pharisee, 
 who belonged to the sect called The Dashers (that little knot of 
 saints whose manner of dashiny and lacerating the feet against 
 the pavement was long a thorn and a reproach to less zealous 
 devotees a stumbling block to less gifted perambulators) "by 
 the five corners of that beard which as a priest I am forbidden to 
 shave ! have we lived to see the day when a blaspheming and 
 idolatrous upstart of Rome shall accuse us of appropriating to the 
 appetites of the flesh the most holy and consecrated elements 3 
 Have we lived to see the day when" 
 
 " Let us not question the motives of the Philistine," interrupted 
 Abel-Phittem, " for to-day we profit for the first time by his 
 avarice or by his generosity ; but rather let us hurry to the 
 ramparts, lest offerings should be wanting for that altar whose fire 
 the rains of heaven cannot extinguish, and whose pillars of smoke 
 no tempest can turn aside." 
 
 That part of the city to which our worthy Gizbarim now hast- 
 ened, and which bore the name of its architect King David, was 
 esteemed the most strongly fortified district of Jerusalem ; being 
 situated upon the steep and lofty hill of Zion. Here a broad, 
 deep, circumvallatory trench, hewn from the solid rock, was 
 defended by a wall of great strength erected upon its inner edge. 
 This wall was adorned, at regular interspaces, by square towers of 
 white marble ; the lowest sixty, and the highest one hundred and 
 twenty cubits in height. But, in the vicinity of the gate of Benjamin, 
 the wall arose by no means from the margin of the fosse. On the 
 contrary, between the level of the ditch and the basement of the 
 rampart, sprang up a perpendicular cliff of two hundred and fifty 
 cubits ; forming part of the precipitous Mount Moriah. So that 
 when Simeon and his associates arrived on the Summit of the 
 tower called Adoni-Bezek the loftiest of all the turrets around 
 about Jerusalem, and the usual place of conference with the 
 besieging army they looked down upon the camp of the enemy 
 from an eminence excelling by many feet, that of the Pyramid of 
 Cheops, and, by several, that of the temple of Belus.
 
 408 A TALE OF JERUSALEM. 
 
 " Verily," sighed the Pharisee, as he peered dizzily over the 
 precipice, " the uncircumcised are as the sands by the sea-shore 
 as the locusts in the wilderness ! The valley of The King hath 
 become the vally of Adommin." 
 
 " And yet," added Ben-Levi, " thou canst not point me out a 
 Philistine no, not one from Aleph to Tau from the wilder- 
 ness to the battlements who seemeth any bigger than the letter 
 Jod!" 
 
 " Lower away the basket with the shekels of silver !" here 
 shouted a Roman soldier in a hoarse, rough voice, which appeared 
 to issue from the regions of Pluto " lower away the basket with 
 the accursed coin which it has broken the jaw of a noble Roman 
 to pronounce ! Is it thus you evince your gratitude to our master 
 Pompeius, who, in his condescension, has thought fit to listen to 
 your idolatrous importunities ? The god Phoebus, who is a true 
 god, has been charioted for an hour and were you not to be on 
 the ramparts by sunrise ? vEdepol ! do you think that we, the 
 conquerors of the world, have nothing better to do than stand 
 waiting by the walls of every kennel, to traffic with the dogs of 
 the earth ? Lower away ! I say and see that your trumpery be 
 bright in color, and just in weight!" 
 
 " El Elohirn !" ejaculated the Pharisee, as the discordant tones 
 of the centurion rattled up the crags of the precipice, and fainted 
 away against the temple "El Elohim! who is the God Phoe- 
 bus? whom doth the blasphemer invoke? Thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi! 
 who art read in the laws of the Gentiles, and hast sojourned among 
 them who dabble with the Teraphim ! is it Nergal of whom the 
 idolater speaketh? or Ashimah? or Nibhaz? or Tartak? or 
 Adranaalech ? or Anamalech? or Succoth-Benith ? or Dao-on? 
 
 O 
 
 or Belial? or Baal-Perith? or Baal-Peor? or Baal-Ze- 
 bub?" 
 
 " Verily it is neither but beware how thou lettest the rope 
 slip too rapidly through thy fingers; for should the wicker-work 
 chance to hang on the projection of yonder crag, there will be a 
 woful outpouring of the holy things of the santuary." 
 
 By the assistance of some rudely constructed machinery, thtj 
 heavily laden basket was now carefully lowered down among the 
 multitude; and, from the giddy pinnacle, the Romans were seen
 
 A TALE 01 JERUSALEM. 409 
 
 gathering confusedly round it; but owing to the vast height and 
 the prevalence of a fog, no distinct -view of their operations could 
 be obtained. 
 
 Half an hour had already elapsed. 
 
 " We shall be too late," sighed the Pharisee, as at the expira- 
 tion of this period, he looked over into the abyss "we shall be 
 too late ! we shall be turned out of office by the Katholim." 
 
 " No more," responded Abel-Phi tti in, " -10 more shall we feast 
 upon the fat ol the land no longer shall our beards be odorous 
 with frankincense our loins gi-ded up with fine linen from thq 
 Temple." 
 
 "Raca!" swore Ben-Levi, "Raca! do they mean to defraud us 
 of the purchase money ? or, Holy Moses ! are they weighing the 
 shekels of the tabernacle ?" 
 
 " They have given the signal at last," cried the Pharisee, "they 
 have given the signal at last! pull away, Abel-Phittim ! and 
 thou, Buzi-Ben-Levi, pull away! for verily the Philistines have 
 either still hold upon the basket, or the Lord hath softened their 
 hearts to place therein a beast of good weight!" And the Gizba- 
 rim pulled away, while their burthen swung heavily upwards 
 through the still increasing mist. 
 
 ********* 
 
 "Booshoh he!" as, at the conclusion of an hour, some object 
 at the extremity of the rope became indistinctly visible "Boos 
 hoh he!" was the exclamation which burst from the lips of Ben 
 Levi. 
 
 " Booshoh he ! for shame ! it is a ram from the thickets of 
 Engedi, and as rugged as the valley of Jehosaphat !" 
 
 "It is a firstling of the flock," said Abel-Phittim, " I know him 
 by the bleating of his lips, ant 1 , the innocent folding of his limbs. 
 II is eyes are more beautiful than the jewels of the Pectoral, and 
 his flesh is like the honey of Hebron." 
 
 " It is a fatted calf from the pastures of Bashan," said the Pha- 
 risee, "the heathen have dealt wonderfully with us! let us raise 
 up our voices in a psalm ! let us give thanks on the shawm and 
 on the psaltery on the harp and on the huggab on the cythern 
 and on the sackbut!" 
 
 It was not until the basket had arrived within a few feet of the
 
 410 A TALE OF JERUSALEM. 
 
 Gizbarim, that a low grunt betrayed to their perception a hog oi 
 no common size. 
 
 "Now El Emanu!" slowly, and with upturned eyes ejaculated 
 the trio, as, letting go their hold, the emancipated porker tumbled 
 headlong among the Philistines, "El Emanu! God be with UK 
 it is the unutterable flesh!"
 
 DURING the dread reign of the Cholera in New-Yjrk, I had 
 accepted the invitation of a relative to spend a fortnight with him 
 in the retirement of his cottage ornee on the banks of the Hudson, 
 We had here around us all the ordinary means of summer amuso- 
 aient ; and what with rambling in the woods, sketching, boating, 
 fishing, bathing, music and books, we should have passed the time 
 pleasantly enough, but for the fearful intelligence which reached 
 us every morning from the populous city. Not a day elapsed 
 which did not bring us news of the decease of some acquaintance. 
 Then, as the fatality increased, we learned to expect daily the loss 
 of 'some friend. At length we trembled at the approach of every 
 messenger. The very air from the South seemed to us redolent 
 with death. That palsying thought, indeed, took entire possession 
 of my soul. I could neither speak, think, nor dream of anything 
 else. My host was of a less excitable temperament, and, although 
 greatly depressed in spirits, exerted himself to sustain my own. 
 His richly philosophical intellect was not at any time affected by 
 unrealities. To the substances of terror he was sufficiently alive, 
 but of its shadows he had no apprehension. 
 
 His endeavors to arouse me from the condition of abnormal 
 gloom into which I had fallen, were frustrated in great measure, 
 by certain volumes which I had found in his library. These were 
 of a character to force into germination whatever seeds of heredi- 
 tary superstition lay latent in my bosom. I had been reading 
 these books without his knowledge, and thus he was often at a
 
 412 THE SPHINX. 
 
 loss to account for the forcible impressions which had been made 
 upon my fancy. 
 
 A favorite topic with me was the popular belief in omens a 
 belief which, at this one epoch of my life, I was almost seriously 
 disposed to defend. On this subject we had long and animated 
 discussions he maintaining the utter groundlessness of faith in 
 such matters I contending that a popular sentiment arising with 
 absolute spontaneity that is to say, without apparent traces of 
 suggestion had in itself the unmistakeable elements of truth, 
 and was entitled to much respect. 
 
 The fact is, that soon after my arrival at the cottage, there had 
 occurred to myself an incident so entirely inexplicable, and which 
 had in it so much of the portentous character, that I might well 
 have been excused for regarding it as an omen. It appalled, and 
 at the same time so confounded and bewildered me, that many 
 days elapsed before I could make up my mind to communicate 
 the circumstance to my friend. 
 
 Near the close of an exceedingly warm day, I was sitting, book 
 in hand, at an open window, commanding, through a long vista 
 of the river banks, a view of a distant hill, the face of which 
 nearest my position, had been denuded, by what is termed a land- 
 slide, of the principal portion of its trees. My thoughts had been 
 long wandering from the volume before me to the gloom and deso- 
 lation of the neighboring city. Uplifting my eyes from the page, 
 they fell upon the naked face of the hill, and upon an object 
 upon some living monster of hideous conformation, which very 
 rapidly made its way from the summit to the bottom, disappear- 
 ing finally in the dense forest below. As this creature first came 
 in sight, I doubted my own sanity or at least the evidence of my 
 own eyes ; and many minutes passed before I succeeded in con- 
 vincing myself that I was neither mad nor in a dream. Yet when 
 I describe the monster, (which I distinctly saw, and calmly sur- 
 veyed through the whole period of its progress,) my readers, I 
 fear, will feel more difficulty in being convinced of these points 
 than even I did myself. 
 
 Estimating the size of the creature by comparison with the 
 diameter of the large trees near which it passed the few giants 
 of the. forest which had escaped the fury of the land-slide- I
 
 THE SPHINX. 413 
 
 concluded it to be far larger than any ship of the line in existence. 
 I say ship of the line, because the shape of the monster suggested 
 the idea the hull of one of our seventy-fours might convey a 
 very tolerable conception of the general outline. The mouth of 
 the animal was situated at the extremity of a proboscis some sixty 
 or seventy feet in length, and about as thick as the body of an 
 ordinary elephant. Near the root of this trunk was an immense 
 quantity of black shaggy hair more than could have been sup- 
 plied by the coats of a score of buffaloes ; and projecting from 
 this hair downwardly and laterally, sprang two gleaming tusks 
 not unlike those of the wild boar, but of infinitely greater dimen- 
 sion. Extending forward, parallel with the proboscis, and on each 
 side of it, was a gigantic staff, thirty or forty feet in length, formed 
 seemingly of pure crystal, and in shape a perfect prism : it re- 
 flected in the most gorgeous manner the rays of the declining sun. 
 The trunk was fashioned like a wedge with the apex to the earth. 
 From it there were outspread two pairs of wings each wing 
 nearly one hundred yards in length one pair being placed above 
 the other, and all thickly covered with metal scales ; each scale 
 apparently some ten or twelve feet in diameter. I observed that, 
 the upper and 'lower tiers of wings were connected by a strong 
 chain. But the chief peculiarity of this horrible thing, was the 
 representation of a Death's Head, which covered nearly the whole 
 surface of its breast, and which was as accurately traced in glaring 
 white, upon the dark ground of the body, as if it had been there 
 carefully designed by an artist. While I regarded this terrific 
 animal, and more especially the appearance on its breast, with a 
 feeling of horror and awe with a sentiment of forthcoming evil, 
 which I found it impossible to quell by any effort of the reason, I 
 perceived the huge jaws at the extremity of the proboscis, sud- 
 denly expand themselves, and from them there proceeded a sound 
 f, > loud and so expressive of wo, that it struck upon my ner:es 
 like a knell, and as the monster disappeared at the foot of the 
 bill, I fell at once, fainting, to the floor. 
 
 Upon recovering, my first impulse of course was, to inform my 
 friend of what I had seen and heard and I can scarcely explain 
 what feeling of repugnance it was, which, in the end. operated to 
 prevent me.
 
 414 THE SPHINX. 
 
 At length, one evening, some three or four clays ifter the occur- 
 rence, we were sitting together in the room in which I had seen 
 the apparition I occupying the same seat at the same window, 
 and he lounging on a sofa near at hand. The association of the 
 place and time impelled me to give him an account of the phe- 
 nomenon. He heard me to the end at first laughed heartily 
 mid then lapsed into an excessively grave demeanor, as if my in- 
 sanity was a thing beyond suspicion. At this instant I again had 
 a distinct view of the monster to which, with a shout of abso- 
 lute terror, I now directed his attention. He looked eagerly but 
 maintained that he saw nothing although I designated minutely 
 the course of the creature, as it made its way down the naked 
 face of the hill. 
 
 1 was now immeasurably alarmed, for I considered the vision 
 either as an omen of my death, or, worse, as the forerunner of 
 an attack of mania. I threw myself passionately back in my 
 chair, and for some moments buried my face in my hands. When 
 I uncovered my eyes, the apparition was no longer visible. 
 
 My host, however, had in some degree resumed the calmness 
 of his demeanor, and questioned me very rigorously in respect to 
 the conformation of the visionary creature. When I had fully 
 satisfied him on this head, he sighed deeply, as if relieved of some 
 intolerable burden, and went on to talk, with what I thought a 
 cruel calmness, of various points of speculative philosophy, which 
 had heretofore formed subject of discussion between us. I remem- 
 ber his insisting very especially (among other things) upon the 
 idea that the principal source of error in all human investigations, 
 lay in the liability of the understanding to under-rate or to over- 
 value the importance of an object, through mere misadmeasure- 
 ment of its propinquity. " To estimate properly, for example," he 
 said, " the influence to be exercised on mankind at large by the 
 thoiough diffusion of Democracy, the distance of the epoch at 
 which such diffusion may possibly be accomplished, should not fail 
 to form an item in the estimate. Yet can you tell me one writer 
 on the subject of government, who has ever thought this particu- 
 lar branch of the subject worthy of discussion at all ?" 
 
 He here paused for a moment, stepped to a book-case, and 
 brought forth one of the ordinary synopses of Natural History.
 
 THE SPHINX. 415 
 
 Requesting me then to exchange seats with him, that he miirht 
 the better distinguish the fine print of the volume, he took my 
 arm-chair at the window, and, opening the book, resumed his dis- 
 course veiy much in the same tone as before. 
 
 "But for your exceeding minuteness," he said, " in describing 
 the monster, I might never have had it in my power to demon- 
 strate to you what it was. In the first place, let me read to you a 
 school-boy account of the genus Sphinx, of the family Crepuscu- 
 laria, of the order Lepidoptera, of the class of Insecta or insects. 
 The account runs thus : 
 
 " ' Four membranous wings covered vith little colored scales of 
 a metallic appearance ; mouth forming a . oiled proboscis, produc 
 ed by an elongation of the jaws, upon the sides of which are 
 found the rudiments of manibles and downy palpi ; the inferior 
 wings retained to the superior by a stiff hair ; autennoe in the 
 form of an elongated club, prismatic ; abdomen pointed. The 
 Death's-headed Sphinx has occasioned much terror among the 
 vulgar, at times, by the melancholy kind of cry which : t utters, 
 and the insignia of death which it wears upon its corslet.' " 
 
 He here closed the book and leaned forward in the ch?ur, placing 
 himself accurately in the position which I had occupied at the 
 moment of beholding " the monster." 
 
 '' Ah, here it is !" he presently exclaimed " it is reascendin^ 
 the face of the hill, and a very remarkable looking creature, I 
 admit it to be. Still, it is by no means so large or so distant as 
 you imagined it ; for the fact is that, as it wriggles its way up 
 this thread, which some spider has wrought along the window- 
 sash, I find it to be about the sixteenth of an inch in its extreme 
 length, and also about the sixteenth of an inch distant from the 
 pupil of my eye."
 
 THE MAN OF THE CROWD 
 
 Ce grand mallieur, de ne pouvoir etre senl. 
 
 La Bruyf-re. 
 
 IT was well said of a certain German book that " er lasst sich 
 .licht lesen" it does not permit itself to be read. There are 
 some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. Men die 
 nightly in their beds, wringing the hands of ghostly confessors, 
 and looking them piteously in the eyes die with despair of hear 4 
 and convulsion of throat, on account of the hideousness of myste- 
 ries which will not suffer themselves to be revealed. Now ana 
 then, alas, the conscience of man takes up a burthen so heavy in 
 horror that it can be thrown down only into the grave. And thus 
 the essence of. all crime is undivulged. 
 
 Not long ago, about the closing in of an evening in autumn, i 
 sat at the large bow window of the D Coffee-House in Lon- 
 don. For some months I had been ill in health, but was now 
 convalescent, and, with returning strength, found myself in one 
 of those happy moods which are so precise!" 'he converse of en- 
 nui moods of the keenest appetency, wht-n the film from the 
 mental vision departs the npc x " J *("" ^i and the intellect, 
 electrified, surpasses as greatly its every-day condition, as dooa 
 the vivid yet candid reason of Leibnitz, the mad and flimsy 
 rhetoric of Gorgias. Merely to breathe was enjoyment ; and I de- 
 rived positive pleasure even from many of the legitimate source^ of 
 pain. I felt a calm but inquisitive interest in' every thing. With 
 a cigar in my mouth and a newspaper in my lap, I had been 
 amusing myself for the greater pan of the afternoon, now in
 
 THE MA.N OF THE CROWD. 417 
 
 poring over advertisements, now in observing the promiscuous 
 company in the room, and now in peering through the smoky 
 panes into the street. 
 
 This latter is one of the principal thoroughfares of the city, 
 and had been very much crowded during the whole day. But, 
 as the darkness came on, the throng momently increased ; and, by 
 the time the lamps were well lighted, two dense and continuous 
 tides of population were rushing past the door. At this particu- 
 lar period of the evening I had never before been in a similar sit- 
 uation, and the tumultuous sea of human heads filled me, there- 
 fore, with a delicious novelty of emotion. I gave up, at length, 
 all care of things within the hotel, and became absorbed in con. 
 templation of the scene without. 
 
 At first my observations took an abstract and generalizing 
 turn. I looked at the passengers in masses, and thought of them 
 in their aggregate relations. Soon, however, I descended to de- 
 tails, and regarded with minute interest the innumerable varie- 
 ties of figure, dress, air, gait, visage, and expression of counte- 
 nance. 
 
 By far the greater number of those who went by had a satis- 
 fied business-like demeanor, and seemed to-be thinking only of 
 making their way through the press. Their brows were knit, 
 and their eyes rolled quickly ; when pushed against by fellow, 
 wayfarers they evinced no symptom of impatience, but adjusted 
 their clothes and hurried on. Others, still a numerous class, 
 were restless in their movements, had flushed faces, and talked 
 and gesticulated to themselves, as if feeling in solitude on account 
 of the very denseness of the company around. When impeded 
 iu their progress, these people suddenly ceased muttering, but re- 
 doubled their gesticulations, and awaited, with an absent and 
 overdone smile upon the lips, the course of the persons impeding 
 them. If jostled, they bowed profusely to the jostlers, and ap- 
 peared overwhelmed with confusion. There was nothing very 
 distinctive about these two large classes beyond what I have noted 
 Their habiliments belonged to that order which is pointedly term- 
 ed the decent. They were undoubtedly noblemen, merchants, 
 attorneys, tradesmen, stock-jobbers the Eupatrids and the com- 
 mon-places o^ society men of leisure and men actively engaged
 
 418 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 
 
 in affairs of their own conducting business upon their own re. 
 sponsibility. They did not greatly excite my attention.* 
 
 The tribe of clerks was an obvious one ; and here I discerned 
 two remarkable divisions. There were the junior clerks of flash 
 nouses young gentlemen with tight coats, bright boots, well-oiled 
 hair, and supercilious lips. Setting aside a certain dapperness of 
 carriage, which may be termed deskism for want of a better 
 word, the manner of these persons seemed to me an exact fac- 
 simile of what had been the perfection of bon ton about twelve or 
 eighteen months before. They wore the cast-off graces of the 
 gentry ; and this, I believe, involves the best definition of the 
 class. 
 
 The division of the upper clerks of staunch firms, or of the 
 " steady old fellows," it was not possible to mistake. These 
 were known by their coats and pantaloons of black or brown, 
 made to sit comfortably, with white cravats and waistcoats, broad 
 solid-looking shoes, and thick hose or gaiters. They had all 
 slightly bald heads, from which the right ears, long used to pen- 
 holding, had an odd habit of standing off on end. I observed 
 that they always removed or settled their hats with both hands, 
 and wore watches, with short gold chains of a substantial and 
 ancient pattern. Theirs was the affectation of respectability ; 
 if indeed there be an affectation so honorable. 
 
 There were many individuals of dashing appearance, whom 1 
 easily understood as belonging to the race of swell pick-pockets, 
 with which all great cities are infested. I watched these gentry 
 with much inquisitiveness, and found it difficult to imagine hov 
 they should ever be mistaken for gentlemen by gentlemen them- 
 selves. Their voluminousness of wristband, with an air of ex- 
 cessive frankness, should betray them at once. 
 
 The gamblers, of whom I descried not a few, were still more 
 easily recognisable. They wore every variety of dress, from 
 that of the desperate thimble-rig bully, with velvet waistcoat, 
 fancy neckerchief, gilt chains, and filagreea buttons, to that oi 
 the scrupulously inornate clergyman, than which nothi ig could 
 be less liable to suspicion. Still all were distinguished by a cer- 
 lain sodden swarthiness of complexion, a filmy dimness of eye, 
 and pallor and compression ->f lip, There were two other traits.
 
 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 419 
 
 moreovei, by which I could always detect them; a guarded 
 lowness of tone in conversation, and a more than ordinary exten- 
 sion of the thumb in a direction at right angles with the fingers. 
 Very often, in company with these sharpers, I observed an 
 order of men somewhat different in habits, but still birds of a 
 kindred leather. They may be defined as the gentlemen who 
 live by their wits. They seem to prey upon the public in two 
 battalions that of the dandies and that of the military men. Of 
 the first grade the leading features are long locks and smiles; of 
 the second frogged coats and frowns. 
 
 Descending in the scale of what is termed gentility, I found 
 darker and deeper themes for speculation. I saw Jew pedlars, 
 with hawk eyes flashing from countenances whose every other 
 feature wore only an expression of abject humility ; sturdy pro- 
 fessional street beggars scowling upon mendicants of a better 
 stamp, whom despair alone had driven forth into the night for 
 charity ; feeble and ghastly invalids, upon whom death had 
 placed a sure hand, and who sidled and tottered through the 
 mob, looking every one beseechingly in the face, as if in search 
 of some chance consolation, some lost hope j modest young girls 
 returning from long and late labor to a cheerless home, and 
 shrinking more tearfully than indignantly from the glances of 
 ruffians, whose direct contact, even, could not be avoided ; wo- 
 men of the town of all kinds and of all ages the unequivocal 
 beauty in the prime of her womanhood, putting one in mind of 
 the statue in Lucian, with the surface of Parian marble, and the 
 interior filled with filth the loathsome and utterly lost leper in 
 rags the wrinkled, bejewelled and paint-begrimed beldame, ma- 
 king a last elfbrt at youth the mere child of immature form, yet, 
 from long association, an adept in the dreadful coquetries of her 
 trade, and burning with a rabid ambition to be ranked the equal 
 of her elders in vice ; drunkards innumerable and indescribable- 
 some in shreds and patches, reeling, inarticulate, with bruised 
 visage and lack-lustre eyes some in whole although filthy 
 garments, with a slightly unsteady swagger, thick sensual lips, 
 and hearty-looking rubicund faces others clothed in materials 
 which had once been good, and which even now were scrupu- 
 lously well brushed men who walked with a more than natu-
 
 420 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 
 
 rally firm and springy step, but whose countenances were fearful 
 ly pale, whose eyes hideously wild and red, and who clutched 
 with quivering fingers, as they strode through the crowd, at every 
 object which came within their reach ; beside these, pie-men, 
 porters, coal-heavers, sweeps; organ-grinders, monkey-exhibiters 
 and ballad mongers, those who vended with those who sang ; 
 ragged artizans and exhausted laborers of every description, and 
 all full of a noisy and inordinate vivacity which jarred discord- 
 antly upoi the ear, and gave an aching sensation to the eye. 
 
 As the night deepened, so deepened to me the interest of the 
 scene ; for not only did the general character of the crowd ma- 
 terially alter (its gentler features retiring in the gradual with- 
 drawal of the more orderly portion of the people, and its harsher 
 ones coming out into bolder relief, as the late hour brought forth 
 every species of infamy from its den,) but the rays of the gas- 
 lamps, feeble at first in their struggle with the dying day, had now 
 at length gained ascendancy, and threw over eveiy thing a fitful 
 and garish lustre. All was dark yet splendid as that ebony to 
 which has been likened the style of Tertullian. 
 
 The wild effects of the light enchained me to an examination of 
 individual faces; and although the rapidity with which the world 
 of light flitted before the window, prevented me from casting 
 more than a glance upon each visage, still it seemed that, in my 
 then peculiar mental state, I could frequently read, even in that 
 brief interval of a glance, the history of long years. 
 
 With my brow to the glass. I was thus occupied in scrutinizing 
 the mob, when suddenly there came into view a countenance 
 (that of a decrepid old man, some sixty-five or seventy years oi 
 age,) a countenance which at once arrested and absorbed my 
 whole attention, on account of the absolute idiosyncracy of its 
 expression. Any thing even remotely resembling that expression 
 I hud never seen before. I well remember that my first thought, 
 upon beholding it, was that Retzch, had he viewed it, would have 
 greatly preferred it to his own pictural incarnations of theiiend. 
 As I endeavored, during the brief minute of my original survey, 
 to form some analysis of the meaning conveyed, there arose con- 
 fusedly and paradoxically within my mind, the ideas of vast, men. 
 tal power, of caution, of penuriousness, of avarice of coolness,
 
 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 421 
 
 of malice, of blood-thirstiness, of triumph, of merriment, of ex. 
 cessive terror, of intense of supreme despair. I felt singularly 
 aroused, startled, Ihscinated. " How wild a history," I said to 
 myself, " is written within that bosom !" Then came a craving 
 desire to keep the man in view to know more of him. Hurri- 
 edly putting on an overcoat, and seizing my hat and cane, 1 
 made my way into the street, and pushed through the crowd in 
 the direction which I had seen him take ; for he had already dis- 
 appeared. With some little difficulty I at length came within 
 sight of him, approached, and followed him closely, yet cautious- 
 ly, so as not to attract his attention. 
 
 I had now a good opportunity of examining his person. He 
 Avas short in stature, very thin, and apparently very feeble. His 
 clolhes, generally, were filthy and ragged ; but as he came, now 
 and then, within the strong glare of a lamp, I perceived that his 
 linen, although dirty, was of beautiful texture ; and my vision de- 
 ceived me, or, through a rent in a closely -buttoned and evidently 
 second-handed roquelaire which enveloped him, I caught a glimpse 
 both of a diamond and of a dagger. These observations height- 
 ened my curiosity, and I resolved to follow the stranger whither- 
 soever he should go. 
 
 It was now fully night-fall, and a thick humid fog hung over 
 the city, soon ending in a settled and heavy rain. This change 
 of weather had an odd effect upon the crowd, the whole of which 
 was at once put into new commotion, and overshadowed by a 
 world of umbrellas. The waver, the jostle, and the hum in- 
 creased in a tenfold degree. For my own part I did not much 
 regard the rain the lurking of an old fever in my system ren- 
 dering the moisture somewhat too dangerously pleasant. Tying 
 a handkerchief about my mouth, I kept on. For half an hour 
 the old man held his way with difficulty along the great thor- 
 oughfare; and I here walked close at his elbow through fear of 
 losing sight of him. Never once turning his head to look bacK, 
 he did not observe me. By and bye he passed into a cross 
 street, which, although densely filled with people, was not quite 
 so much thronged as the main one he had quitted. Here a 
 change in his demeanor became evident. He walked more slowly 
 and with less object than before more hesitatingly. He crossed
 
 422 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 
 
 and le-crosseJ the way repeatedly without apparent aim ; and the 
 press was still so thick, that, at every such movement, I was obliged 
 to follow him closely. The street was a narrow and long one, 
 and his course lay within it for nearly an hour, during which the 
 passengers had gradually diminished to about that number which 
 is ordinarily seen at noon in Broadway near the park so vast a 
 difference is there between a London populace and that of tha 
 most frequented American city. A second turn brought us into 
 a square, brilliantly lighted, and overflowing with life. The old 
 manner of the stranger re-appeared. His chin fell upon his breast, 
 while his eyes rolled wildly from under his knit brows, in every 
 direction, upon those who hemmed him in. He urged his way 
 steadily and perseveringly. [ was surprised, however, to find, 
 upon his having made the circuit of the square, that he turned 
 and retraced his steps. Still more was I astonished to see him 
 repeat the same walk several times once nearly detecting me as 
 he came round with a sudden movement. 
 
 In this exercise he spent another hour, at the end of which we 
 met with far less interruption from passengers than at first. The 
 rain fell fast ; the air grew cool ; and the people were retiring to 
 their homes. With a gesture of impatience, the wanderer passed 
 into a by-street comparatively deserted. Down this, some quar- 
 ter of a mile long, he rushed with an activity I could not have 
 dreamed of seeing in one so aged, and which put me to much 
 trouble in pursuit. A few minutes brought us to a large and 
 busy bazaar, with the localities of which the stranger appeared 
 well acquainted, and where his original demeanor again became 
 apparent, as he forced his way to and fro, without aim, among 
 the host of buyers and sellers. 
 
 During the hour and a half, or thereabouts, which we passed in 
 this place, it required much caution on my part to keep him within 
 reach without attracting his observation. Luckily I wore a pair 
 of caoutchouc over-shoes, and could move about in perfect silence. 
 At no moment did he see that I watched him. He entered shop 
 after shop, priced nothing, spoke no word, and looked at all ob- 
 jects with a wild and vacant stare. I was now utterly amazed at 
 his behavior, and firmly resolved that we should not part until 
 I had satisfied myself in some measure respecting him.
 
 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 423 
 
 A loud-toned clock struck eleven, and the company were f:i*l 
 deserting the bazaar. A shop-keeper, in putting up a shutter, 
 jostled the old man, and at the instant I saw a strong shudder 
 come over his frame. He hurried into the street, looked anxiously 
 aro'ind him for an instant, and then ran with incredible swiftness 
 through many crooked and peopleless lanes, until we emerged 
 cure more upon the great thoroughfare whence we had started 
 
 the street of the D Hotel. It no longer wore, however, 
 
 the same aspect. It was still brilliant with gas ; but the rain 
 fell fiercely, and there were few persons to be seen. The stranger 
 grew pale. He walked moodily some paces up the once popu- 
 lous avenue, then, with a heavy sigh, turned in the direction 
 of the river, and, plunging through a great variety of devious 
 ways, came out, at length, in view of one of the principal thea- 
 tres. It was about being closed, and the audience were throng- 
 ing from the doors. I saw the old man gasp as if for breath 
 while he threw himself amid the crowd ; but I thought that the 
 intense agony of his countenance had, in some measure, abated. 
 His head again fell upon his breast; he appeared as I had seen 
 him at first. I observed that he now took the course in which 
 had gone the greater number of the audience but, upon the 
 whole, I was at a loss to comprehend the waywardness of his 
 actions. 
 
 As he proceeded, the company grew more scattered, and his 
 old uneasiness and vacillation were resumed. For some time he 
 followed closely a party of some ten or twelve roisterers ; but 
 from this number one by one dropped off, until three only remain - 
 ed together, in a narrow and gloomy lane little frequented. The 
 stranger paused, and, for a moment, seemed lost in thought ; then, 
 with every mark of agitation, pursued rapidly a route which 
 Drought us to the verge of the city, amid regions very different 
 from tliose we had hitherto traversed. It was the most noisome 
 quarter of London, where everything wore the worst impress of 
 the most deplorable poverty, and of the most desperate crime. 
 By the dim light of an accidental lamp, tall, antique, worm-eaten, 
 wooden tenements were seen tottering to their fall, in directions 
 so many and capricious, that scarce the semblance of a passage 
 was dscernible between them. The paving-stones lay at ran-
 
 434 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 
 
 dom, displaced from tlieir beds by the rankly-growing grass. 
 Horrible filth festered in the dammed-up gutters. The whole at- 
 mosphere teemed with desolation. Yet, as we proceeded, the 
 sounds of human life revived by sure degrees, and at length large 
 bands of the most abandoned of a London populace were seen 
 reeling to and fro. The spirits of the old man again flickered up, 
 as a lamp which is near its death-hour. Once more he strode 
 onward with elastic tread. Suddenly a corner was turned, a 
 blaze of light burst upon our sight, and we stood before one of tho 
 huge suburban temples of Intemperance one of the palaces of 
 the fiend, Gin. 
 
 It was now nearly day-break ; but a number of wretched ine- 
 briates still pressed in and out of the flaunting entrance. With a 
 half shriek of joy the old man forced a passage within, resumed 
 at once his original bearing, and stalked backward and forward, 
 without apparent object, among the throng. He had not been 
 thus long occupied, however, before a rush to the doors gave to- 
 ken that the host was closing them for the night. It was some- 
 thing even more intense than despair that I then observed upon 
 the countenance of the singular being whom I had watched so 
 pertinaciously. Yet he did not hesitate in his career, but, with a 
 mad energy, retraced his steps at once, to the heart of the mighty 
 London. Long and swiftly he fled, while I followed him in the 
 Wildest amazement, resolute not to abandon a scrutiny in which I 
 now felt an interest all-absorbing. The sun arose while we pro- 
 ceeded, and, when we had once again reached that most thronged 
 mart of the populous town, the street of the D Hote'i, it pre- 
 sented an appearance of human bustle and activity scarcely infe- 
 rior to what I had seen on the evening before. And here, long, 
 amid the momently increasing confusion, did I persist in my pur- 
 suit of the stranger. But, as usual, he walked to and fro, and 
 during the day did not pass from out the turmoil of that street. 
 And, as the shades of the second evening came on, I grew wea- 
 ried unto death, and, stopping fully in front of the wanderer, 
 gazed at him steadfastly in the face. He noticed me not, but re- 
 sumed his solemn walk, while I, ceasing to follow, remained ab- 
 sorbed in contemplation. " This old man," I said at length, " is 
 the type and the genius of deep crime. Ho refuses to be alone.
 
 THE MAN OF THE CROWD. 425 
 
 Etc is the man of the crowd. It will be in vain to follow ; for I 
 shall learn no more of him, nor of his deeds. The worst heart of 
 the world is a grosser book than the * llortulus Animsft,'* and 
 perhaps it is but one of the great mercies of God that ' er lasst 
 tick niclit lesen.' " 
 
 * The " Hortulus Animce cum Oratiunculis Allguibus Super additif? of
 
 SEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUB HEAD 
 
 A TALE WITH A MORAL. 
 
 w CoN tal que las costumbres de un autor" says Don Thomas De 
 Las Torres, in the preface to his " Amatory Poems" " sean puras 
 y castas, importo muy poco que no sean igualmente severas sus 
 olras" meaning, in plain English, that, provided the morals of an 
 author are pure, personally, it signifies nothing what are the morals 
 of his books. We presume that Don Thomas is now in Purgatory 
 for the assertion. It would be a clever thing, too, in the way of 
 poetical justice, to keep him there until his " Amatory Poems" get 
 out of print, or are laid definitely upon the shelf through lack of 
 readers. Every fiction should have a moral ; and, what is more 
 to the purpose, the critics have discovered that every fiction has. 
 Philip Melancthon, some time ago, wrote a commentary upon the 
 " Batrachomyomachia" and proved that the poet's object was to 
 excite a distaste for sedition. Pierre La Seine, going a step 
 farther, shows that the intention was to recommend to young men 
 t< mperance in eating and drinking. Just so, too, Jacobus Hugo 
 lias satisfied himself that, by Euenis, Homer meant to insinuate 
 John Calvin; by Aniinous, Martin Luther; by the Lotophagi, 
 Protestants in general; and, by the Harpies, the Dutch. Our 
 more modern Scholiasts are equally acute. These fellows demon- 
 strate a hidden meaning in " The Antediluvians," a parable in 
 " Powhatan," new views in " Cock Robin," and transcendentalism 
 in "Hop O' My Thumb.* In short, it has been shown that no man 
 can sit down to write without . very profound design. Thus to
 
 NEVER BET THE LEVIL YOUR HEAD. 47 
 
 authors in general much trouble is spared. A novelist, for example, 
 need have no care of his moral. It is there that is to say, it is 
 somewhere and the moral and the critics can take care jf them- 
 selves. When the proper time arrives, all that the gentleman 
 intended, and all that he did not intend, will be brought to light, 
 in the "Dial," or the "Down-Easter," together with all '.hat he 
 ought to have intended, and the rest that he clearly meant to 
 intend: ?o that it will all come very straight in the end. 
 
 There is no just ground, therefore, for the charge brought 
 against me by certain ignoramuses that I have never written a 
 moral tale, or, in more precise words, a tale with a moral. They 
 are not the critics predestined to bring me out, and develop my 
 morals : that is the secret. By and by the " North American 
 Quarterly Ilumdrum" will make them ashamed of their stupidity. 
 In the meantime, by way of staying execution by way of miti- 
 gating the accusations against me I offer the sad history append- 
 ed ; a history about whose obvious moral there can be no ques- 
 tion whatever, since he who runs may read it in the large capitals 
 which form the title of the tale. I should have credit for this 
 arrangement a far wiser one than that of La Fontaine and others, 
 who reserve the impression to be conveyed until the last moment, 
 and thus sneak it in at the fag end of their fables. 
 
 Defuncti injurid ne afficiantur was a law of the twelve tables, 
 and De mortuis nil nisi bonum is an excellent injunction even if 
 the dead in question be nothing but dead small beer. It is not 
 my design, therefore, to vituperate my deceased friend, Toby Dam- 
 mit. He was a sad dog, it is true, and a dog's death it was that 
 he died ; but he himself was not to blame for his vices. They 
 grew out of a personal defect in his mother. She did her best in 
 the way of flogging him while an infant for duties to her well-reg- 
 ulated mind were always pleasures, and babies, like tough steaks, 
 or the modern Greek olive trees, are invariably the better for beat- 
 ing but, poor woman ! she had the misfortune to be left-handed, 
 and a child flogged left-handedly had better be left unflogged. 
 The world revolves from r;ght to left. It will not do to whip a 
 baby from left to right. If each blow in the proper direction 
 drives an evil propensity out, it follows that every thump in an 
 opposite one knocks its quota of wickedness in. I was often pre
 
 428 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD. 
 
 ent at Toby's chastisements, and, even by the way in which he 
 kicked, I could perceive that he was getting worse and worse 
 every day. At last I saw, through the tears in my eyes, that 
 there was no hope of the villain at all, and one day when he hau 
 been cuffed until he grew so black in the face that one might havo 
 mistaken him for a little African, and no effect had been produced 
 beyond that of making him wriggle himself into a fit, I could stand 
 it no longer, but went down upon my knees forthwith, and, uplift- 
 ing my voice, made prophecy of his ruin. 
 
 The fact is that his precocity in vice was awful. At five months 
 of age he used to got into such passions that he was unable to 
 articulate. At six months, I caught him knawing a pack of cards. 
 At seven months he was in the constant habit of catching and 
 kissing the female babies. At eight months he peremptorily 
 refused to put his signature to the Temperance pledge. Thus he 
 went on increasing in iniquity, month after month, until, at the 
 close of the first year, he not only insisted upon wearing mous- 
 taches, but had contracted a propensity for cursing and swearing, 
 and for backing his assertions by bets. 
 
 Through this latter most ungentlemanly practice, the ruin 
 which I had predicted to Toby Dammit overtook him at last. 
 The fashion had " grown with his growth and strengthened with . 
 his strength," so thai, when he came to be a man, he could scarcely 
 utter a sentence without interlarding it with a proposition to gam- 
 ble. Not that he actually laid wagers no. I will do my friend 
 the justice to say that he would as soon have laid eggs. With 
 him the thing was a mere formula nothing more. His expres- 
 sions on this head had no meaning attached to them whatever. 
 They were simple if not altogether innocent expletives imagina- 
 tive phrases wherewith to round off a sentence. When he said 
 ' I'll bet you so and so," nobody ever thought of taking him up ; 
 but still I could not help thinking it my duty to put him down. 
 The habit was an immoral one, and so I told him. It was a 
 vulgar one this 1 begged him to believe. It was discounte- 
 nanced by society here I said nothing but the truth. It was 
 forbidden by act of Congress here I had not the slightest inten- 
 tion of telling a lie. I remonstrated but to no purpose. I dem- 
 onstrated in vain. I entreated he smiled. I implored he
 
 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HE/.D. 429 
 
 laughed. I preached he sneered. I threatened he swore. I 
 kicked him he called for the police. I pulled his nose he blew 
 it, and offered to bet the Devil his head that I would uot venture 
 to try that experiment again. 
 
 Poverty was another vice which the peculiar physical deficiency 
 ol" i)amrnit's mother had entailed upon her son. He was detesta- 
 bly poor ; and this was the reason, no doubt, that his expletive 
 expressions about betting, seldom took a pecuniary turn. I will 
 not be bound to say that I ever heard him make use of such a 
 figure of speech as "I'll bet you a dollar." It was usually "I'll bet 
 you what you please," or I'll bet you what you dare," or " I'll bet 
 you a trifle," or else, more significantly still, "Til bet the Devil my 
 head." 
 
 This latter form seemed to please him best : perhaps because 
 it involved the leasl risk ; for Dammit had become excessively 
 parsimonious. Had any one taken him up, his head was small, 
 and thus his loss would have been small too. But these are my 
 own reflections, and I am by no means sure that I am right in 
 attributing them to him. At all events the phrase in question 
 grew daily in favor, notwithstanding the gross impropriety of a 
 man betting his brains like bank-notes : but this was a point 
 which my friend's perversity of disposition would not permit him 
 r jQ comprehend. In the end, he abandoned all other forms of 
 svager, and gave himself up to " Pll bet the Devil my head" with 
 i pertinacity and exclusiveness of devotion that displeased not 
 iess than it surprised me. I am always displeased by circumstan- 
 ces for which I cannot account. Mysteries force a man to think, 
 and so injure his health. The truth is, there was something in the 
 air with which Mr. Dammit was wont to give utterance to his 
 offensive expression something in his manner of enunciation 
 which at first interested, and afterwards made me very uneasy 
 something which, for want of a more definite term at present, 1 
 must be permitted to call queer but which Mr. Coleridge would 
 have called mystical, Mr. Kant pantheistical, Mr. Carlyle twistical, 
 and Mr. Emerson hyperquizzitistical. I began not to like it at all. 
 Mr. Dammit's soul was in a perilous state. I resolved to bring all 
 my eloquence into play to save it. I vowed to serve him as St. 
 Patrick, in the Irish chronicle, is said to have served the toad, that
 
 430 NEVER BET THE DEVIL TOUR HEAD. 
 
 is to say, " awaken him to a sense of his situation." I addressed 
 myself to the task forthwith. Once more I betook myself to 
 remonstrance. Again I collected my energies for a final attempt 
 at expostulation. 
 
 When I had made an end of my lecture, Mr. Dammit indulged 
 himself in some very equivocal behavior. For some moments he 
 remained silent, merely looking me inquisitively in the face. But 
 presently he threw his head to one side, and elevated his eye- 
 brows to great extent. Then he spread out the palms of his 
 hands and shrugged up his shoulders. Then he winked with the 
 right eye. Then he repeated the operation with the left. Then 
 he shut them both up very tight. Then he opened them both so 
 very wide that I became seriously alarmed for the consequences. 
 Then, applying his thumb to his nose, he thought proper to make 
 an indescribable movement with the rest of his fingers. Finally, 
 setting his arms a-kimbo, he condescended to reply. 
 
 I can call to mind only the heads of his discourse. He would 
 be obliged to me if I would hold my tongue. He wished none 
 of my advice. He despised all my insinuations. He was old 
 enough to take care of himself. Did I still think him baby Dam- 
 mit ? Did I mean to say anything against his character ? Did I 
 intend to insult him ? Was I a fool ? Was my maternal parent 
 aware, in a word, of my absence from the domiciliary residence! 
 He would put this latter question to me as to a man of veracity, 
 and he would bind himself to abide by my reply. Once more he 
 would demand explicitly if my mother knew that I was out. My 
 confusion, he said, betrayed me, and he would be willing to bet 
 the Devil his head that she did not. 
 
 Mr. Dammit did not pause for my rejoinder. Turning upon 
 his heel, he left my presence with undignified, precipitation. It 
 was well for him that he did so. My feelings had been wounded. 
 Even my anger had been aroused. For once I would have taken 
 him up upon his insulting wager. I would have won for tho 
 Arch-Enemy Mr. Dammit's little head for the fact is, my mamma 
 was very well aware of my merely temporary absence from home. 
 
 B'lt Khoda she/a midehed Heaven gives relief as the Mus- 
 selmen say when you tread upon their toes. It was in pursuance 
 of my duty that I had been insulted, an I I bore the insuit lita
 
 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD. 431 
 
 man. It now seemed to me, howevei that I had done all that 
 could be required of rue, in the case of this miserable individual, 
 and I resolved to trouble him no longer with my counsel, but to 
 leave him to his conscience and himself But although I forebore 
 to intrude with my advice, I could not bring myself to give up his 
 society altogether. I even went so far as to humor some of his 
 less reprehensible propensities; and there were times when I found 
 myself lauding his wicked jokes, as epicures do mustard, with 
 tears in my eyes : so profoundly did it grieve me to hear his 
 evil talk. 
 
 One tine day, having strolled out together, arm in arm, our 
 route led us in the direction of a river. There was a bridge, and 
 we resolved to cross it. It was roofed over, by way of protection 
 from the weather, and the arch-way, having but few windows, was 
 thus very uncomfortably dark. As we entered the passage, the 
 contrast between the external glare, and the interior gloom, struck 
 heavily upon my spirits. Not so upon those of the unhappy 
 Dammit, who offered to bet the Devil his head that I was hipped. 
 He seemed to be in an unusual good humor. He was excessively 
 lively so much so that I entertained I know not what of uneasy 
 suspicion. It is not impossible that he was affected with the 
 transcendentals. I am not well enough versed, however, in the 
 diagnosis of this disease to speak with decision upon the point ; 
 and unhappily there wei-e none of my friends of the "Dial" pres- 
 ent. I suggest the idea, nevertheless, because of a certain species of 
 austere Merry- Andrewism which seemed to beset my poor friend, 
 and caused him to make quite a Tom-Fool of himself. Nothing 
 would serve him but wriggling and skipping about under and over 
 everything that came in his way ; now shouting out, and now 
 lisping out, all manner of odd little and big words, yet preserving 
 the gravest face in the world all the time. I really could not 
 make up my mind whether to kick or to pity him. At length, 
 having passed nearly across the bridge, we approached the termi- 
 nation of the foot way, when our progress was impeded by a turn- 
 stile of some height. Through this I made my way quietly, 
 pushing it around as usual. But this turn would not serve the 
 turn of Mr. Dammit. He insisted upon leaping the stile, and said 
 he Cuuld cut a pigeon-wing over it in the air. Now this, conscien-
 
 432 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD. 
 
 tiously speaking, I did not think he could do. The best pigeon- 
 winger over all kinds of style, was my friend Mr. Carlyle, and as 
 I knew he could not do it, I would not believe that it could be 
 done by Toby Dammit. I therefore told him, in so many words, 
 that he was a braggadocio, and could not do what he said. For 
 this, I had reason to be sorry afterwards ; for he straightway 
 offered to bet the Devil his head that he could. 
 
 I was about to reply, notwithstanding my previous resolutions, 
 with some remonstrance against his impiety, when I heard, close 
 at my elbow, a slight cough, which sounded very much like the 
 ejaculation " ahem /" I started, and looked about me in surprise. 
 My glance at length fell into a nook of the frame-work of the 
 bridge, and upon the figure of a little lame old gentleman of ven- 
 erable aspect. Nothing could be more reverend than his whole 
 appearance ; for, he not only had on a full suit of black, but his 
 shirt was perfectly clean and the collar turned very neatly down 
 over a white cravat, while his hair was parted in front like a girl's. 
 His hands were clasped pensively together over his stomach, and 
 his two eyes were carefully rolled up into the top of his head. 
 
 Upon observing him more closely, I perceived that he wore a 
 black silk apron over his small-clothes ; and this was a thing 
 which I thought very odd. Before I had time to make any re- 
 mark, however, upon so singular a circumstance, he interrupted 
 me with a second " ahem /" 
 
 To this observation I was not immediately prepared to reply. 
 The fact, is, remarks of this laconic nature are nearly unanswerable, 
 I have known a Quarterly Review non-plused by the word 
 " Fudge /" I am not ashamed to say, therefore, that I turned to 
 Mr. Dammit for assistance. 
 
 " Dammit," said I, " what are you about ? don't you hear ? 
 the gentleman says ' ahem /' " I looked sternly at my friend 
 while I thus addressed him ; for to say the truth, I felt particularly 
 puzzled, and when a man is particularly puzzled he must knit his 
 brows and look savage, or else he is pretty sure to look like a fool. 
 
 " Dammit," observed I although this sounded very much liko 
 an oath, than which nothing was farther from my thoughts 
 u Dammit," I suggested " the gentleman says ' ahem /' " 
 
 1 do not attempt to defend my remark on the score of profan
 
 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD. 433 
 
 ;lity ; I did not think it profound myself; but I have noticed that 
 the eflect of our speeches is not always proportionate with their 
 importance in our own eyes ; and if I had shot Mr. D. through 
 and through with a Paixhan bomb, or knocked him in the head 
 with the "Poets and Poetry of America," he could hardly have been 
 more discomfited than when I addressed him with those simple 
 words " Dammit, what are you about ? don't you hear ? the 
 gentleman says ' ahem /' " 
 
 " You don't say so ?" gasped he at length, after turning more 
 colors than a pirate runs up, one after the other, when chased by 
 a man-of-war. " Are you quite sure he said that ? Well, at all 
 events I am in for it now, and may as well put a bold face upon 
 the matter. Here goes, then ahem /" 
 
 At this the little old gentleman seemed pleased God only 
 knows why. He left his station at the nook of the bridge, limped 
 forward with a gracious air, took Dammit by the hand and shook 
 it cordially, looking all the while straight up in his face with an 
 air of the most unadulterated benignity which it is possible for the 
 mind of man to imagine. 
 
 " I am quite sure you will win it, Dammit," said he, with the 
 frankest of all smiles, " but we are obliged to have a trial you 
 know, for the sake of mere form." 
 
 " Ahem !" replied my friend, taking off his coat with a deep 
 fcigh, tying a pocket-handkerchief around his waist, and producing 
 an unaccountable alteratioVi in his countenance by twisting up his 
 eyes, and bringing down the corners of his mouth " ahem !" 
 And " ahem," said he again, after a pause ; and not another word 
 more than " ahem !" did E ever know him to say after that. 
 " Aha !" thought I, without expressing myself aloud " this is 
 quite a remarkable silence on the part of Toby Dammit, and is 
 no doubt a consequence of his verbosity upon a previous occasion. 
 One extreme induces another. I wonder if he has forgotten the 
 many unanswerable questions which he propounded to me so 
 fluently on the day when I gave him my last lecture ? At all 
 events, he is cured of the transcendental*. " 
 
 " Ahem !" here replied Toby, just as if he had been reading 
 try thoughts, and looking like a very old sheep in a reverie. 
 
 The old gentleman now took him by the arm, and led him more
 
 434 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOU! I HEAD. 
 
 into the shade of the bridge a few pnces back fiom the turnstila 
 " My good feliOw," said he, " I make it a point of conscience to 
 allow you this much run. Wait here, till I take my place by the 
 stile, so that I may see whether you go over it handsomely, and 
 transcendentally, and don't omit any nourishes of the pio-eon-wing. 
 A mere form, you know. I will say ' one, two, three, and away.' 
 Mind you start at the word ' away.' " Here he took his position 
 by the stile, paused a moment as if in profound reflection, then 
 looked up and, I thought, smiled very slightly, then tightened the 
 strings of his apron, then took a long look at Dammit, and finally 
 gave the word as agreed upon 
 
 One two three and away I 
 
 Punctually at the word "away," my poor friend set off in a 
 strung gallop. The stile was not very high, like Mr. Lord's nor 
 yet very low, like that of Mr. Lord's reviewers, but'upon the whole 
 I made sure that he would clear it. Arid then what if he did 
 not? ah, that was the question what if he did not? " What 
 right," said I, "had the old gentleman to make any other gentle- 
 man jump ? The little old dot-and-carry-one ! who is he ? If he 
 asks me to jump, I won't do it, that's flat, and I don't care who 
 the devil he is." The bridge, as I say, was arched and covered 
 in, in a very ridiculous manner, and there was a most uncomfort- 
 able echo about it at all times an echo which I never before so 
 particularly observed as when I uttered the four last words of my 
 remark. 
 
 But what I said, or what I thought, or what I heard, occupied 
 only an instant. In less than five seconds from his starting, my 
 poor Toby had taken the leap. I saw him run nimbly, and spring 
 grandly from the floor of the bridge, cutting the most awful flour- 
 ishes with his legs as he went up. I saw him high in the air, 
 pigeon-winging it to admiration just over the top of the stile ; and 
 of course I thought it an unusually singular thing that he did not 
 continue to go over. But the whole leap was the affair of a 
 moment, and, before I had a chance to make any profound reflec- 
 tions, down came Mr. Dammit on the flat of Irs back, on the same 
 side of the stile from which he had started. At the same instant
 
 NEVER BET THE DEVIL YOUR HEAD. 435 
 
 1 saw fche old gentleman limping off at the top of his speed, having 
 caught and wrapped up in his apron something that fell heavily 
 into it from the darkness of the arch just over the turnstile. - At 
 all this I was much astonished ; but I had no leisure to think, for 
 Mr. Dammit lay particularly still, and I concluded that his feelings 
 had been hurt, and that he stood in need of my assistance. I 
 hurried up to him and found that he had received what might be 
 termed a serious injury. The truth is, he had been deprived of 
 his head, which after a close search I could not find anywhere ; 
 BO I determined to take him home, and send fcr the b/wioeopa- 
 thists. In the meantime a thought struck me, and I threw open 
 an adjacent window of the bridge ; when the sad truth flashed 
 upon me at once. About five feet just above the top of the turn- 
 stile, and crossing the arch of the foot-path so as to constitute a 
 brace, there extended a flat iron bar, lying with its breadth hori- 
 zontally, and forming one of a series that served to strengthen the 
 structure throughout its extent. With the edge of this brace it 
 appeared evident that the neck of my unfortunate friend had come 
 precisely in contact. 
 
 He did not long survive his terrible loss. The homceopathiste 
 did not give him little enough physic, and what little they did 
 give him he hesitated to take. So in the end he grew worse, and 
 at length died, a lession to all riotous livers. I bedewed his grave 
 with my tears, worked a bar sinister on his family escutcheon, and, 
 for the general expenses of his funeral, sent in my very moderate 
 bill to the transcendentalists. The scoundrels refused to pay it, so 
 I had Mr, Dammit dug up at once, and sold him for dog's meat
 
 "THOU ART THE MAN," 
 
 I WILL now play the QEdipus to the Rattleborough enigma. 
 I will expound to you as I alone can the secret of the enginery 
 that effected the Rattleborough miracle the one, the true, the 
 admitted, . the undisputed, the indisputable miracle, which put a 
 definite end to infidelity among the Rattleburghers, and converted 
 to the orthodoxy of the grandames all Jthe carnal-minded who 
 had ventured to be skeptical before. 
 
 This event which I should be sorry to discuss in a tone of un- 
 suitable levity occurred in the summer of 18 . Mr. Barnabas 
 Shuttleworthy one of the wealthiest and most respectable citizens 
 of the borough had been missing for several days under circum- 
 stances which gave rise to suspicion of foul play. Mr. Shuttle- 
 worthy had set out from Rattleborough very early one Saturday 
 morning, on horseback, with the avowed intention of proceeding 
 
 to the city -of , about fifteen miles distant, and of returning 
 
 the nio;ht of the same day. Two hours after his departure, how- 
 ever, his horse returned without him, and without the saddle-bags 
 which had been strapped on his back it starting. The animal 
 was wounded, too, and covered with mu.l. These circumstances 
 naturally gave rise to much alarm among the friends of the miss- 
 ing man ; and when it was found, on Sunday morning, that he 
 had not ye* made his appearance, the whole borough arose en 
 masse to go and look for his body. 
 
 The foremost and most energetic in instituting this search, was 
 the bosom friend of Mr. Shuttleworthy a Mr. Charles Goodfellow
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 437 
 
 OT, a:; lie was universally called, " Charley Goodfellow," or " Old 
 Charley Goodfellow." Now, whether it is a rcm-vellous coinci- 
 dence, or whether it is that the name itself has an imperceptible 
 effect upon the character, I have never yet been able to ascertain ; 
 but the fact is unquestionable, that there never yet was any per- 
 son named Charles who was not an open, manly, honest, good- 
 natured, and frank-hearted fellow, with a rich, clear voice, that 
 did you good to hear it, and an eye that looked you always 
 straight in the face, as much as to say, " I have a clear conscience 
 myself; am afraid of no man, and am altogether above doing a 
 mean action." And thus all the hearty, careless, " walking gen- 
 tlemen" of the stage are very certain to be called Charles. 
 
 Now, " Old Charley Goodfellow," although he had been in 
 Rattleborough not longer than six months or thereabouts, and 
 although nobody knew anything about him before he came to set- 
 tle in the neighborhood, had experienced no difficulty in the world 
 in making the acquaintance of all the respectable people in the 
 borough. Not a man of them but would have taken his bare word 
 for a thousand at any moment ; and as for the women, there is 
 no saying what they would not have done to oblige him. And 
 all this came of his having been christened Charles, and of his 
 possessing, in consequence, that ingenuous face which is prover- 
 bially the very " best letter of recommendation." 
 
 I have already said, that Mr. Shuttleworthy was one of the most 
 respectable, and, undoubtedly, he was the most wealthy man in 
 Rattleborough, while "Old Charley Goodfellow" was upon as 
 intimate terms with him as if he had been his own brother. The 
 two old gentlemen were next-door neighbors, and, although Mr. 
 Shuttleworthy seldom, if ever, visited " Old Charley," and never 
 was known to take a meal in his house, still this did not prevent 
 the two friends from being exceedingly intimate, as I have just 
 observed; for "Old Charley" never let a day pass without step- 
 ing in three or four times to see how his neighbor came on, and 
 very often he would stay to breakfast or tea. and almost always 
 to dinner ; and then the amount, of wine that was made way with 
 by the two cronies at a sitting, it would really be a difficult thing 
 to ascertain. Old Charley's favorite beverage was Chateau Afar- 
 and it appeared to do Mr. Shuttl. -worthy's heart good to see
 
 438 THOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 the old fellow swallow it, as he did, quart after quart; so that, 
 one day, when the wine was in and the wit, as a natural conse- 
 quence, somewhat out, he said to his crony, as ho slapped him 
 upon the back " I tell you what it is, Old Charluy. you are, by 
 all odds, the heartiest old fellow' I ever came across in all my born 
 days ; and, since you love to guzzle the wine at that fashion, I'll 
 be darned if I don't have to make thee a present of a big box of 
 the Chateau Margaux. Od rot me," (Mr. Shuttle worthy had & 
 sad habit of swearing, although he seldom went beyond " Od rot 
 me," or " By gosh," or " By the jolly golly,")" Od rot me," 
 says he, " if I don't send an order to town this very afternoon for 
 a double box of the best that can be got, and I'll make ye a pres- 
 ent of it, I will ! ye needn't say a word now I will, I tell ye, 
 and there's an end of it ; so look out for it it will come to 
 hand some of these fine days, precisely when ye are looking for it 
 die least !" I mention this little bit of liberality on the part of 
 Mr. Shuttleworthy, just by way of showing you how very intimate 
 ar. \mderstanding existed between the two friends. 
 
 Well, on the Sunday morning in question, when it came to be 
 fairly understood that Mr. Shuttleworthy had met with foul play 
 I never saw any one so profoundly affected as "Old Charley Good- 
 fellow." When he first heard that the horse had come home 
 without his master, and without his master's saddle-bags, and all 
 bloody from a pistol-shot, that had gone clean through and through 
 the poor animal's chest without quite killing him when he heard 
 all this, he turned as pale as if the missing man had been his own 
 dear brother or father, and shivered and shook all over as if he 
 had had a fit of the ague. 
 
 At first,, he was too much overpowered with grief to be able to 
 do anything at all, or to decide upon any plan of action ; so that 
 for a long time he endeavored to dissuade Mr. Shuttleworthy 's 
 other friends from making a stir about the matter, thinking it best 
 to wait awhile say for a week or two, or a month or two to 
 see if something wouldn't turn up, or if Mr. Shuttleworthy wouldn't 
 come in the natural way, and explain his reasons for sending his 
 horse on before. I dare say you have often observed this dispo- 
 sition to temporize, or to procrastinate, in people who are laboring 
 iinder any very poignant sorrow. Their powers of mind seem to
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 439 
 
 be rendered torpid, so that they have a horror of anything like 
 action, and like nothing in the world so well as to lie quietly iu 
 bed and " nurse their grief," as the old ladies express it that is 
 to say, ruminate over their trouble. 
 
 The people of Rattleborough had, indeed, so high an opinion 
 of the wisdom and discretion of " Old Charley," that the greater 
 part of them felt disposed to agree with him, and not make a stir 
 in the business " until something should turn up," as the honest 
 old gentleman worded it ; and I believe that, after all, this would 
 have been the general determination, but for the very suspicious 
 interference of Mr. Shuttleworthy's nephew, a young man of very 
 dissipated habits, and otherwise of rather bad character. This 
 nephew, whose name was Pennifeather, would listen to nothing 
 like reason in the matter of " lying quiet," but insisted upon ma- 
 king immediate search for the " corpse of the murdered man." 
 This was the expression he employed; and Mr. Goodfellow acutely 
 remarked at the time, that it was " a singular expression, to sav 
 no more." This remark of Old Charley's, too, had great effect 
 upon the crowd ; and one of the party was heard to ask, very im- 
 pressively, " how it happened that young Mr. Pennifeather was so 
 intimately cognizant of all the circumstances connected with his 
 wealthy uncle's disappearance, as to feel authorized to assert, dis- 
 tinctly and unequivocally, that his uncle ivas 'a murdered man.'" 
 Hereupon some little squibbing and bickering occurred among 
 various members of the crowd, and especially between " Old Char- 
 ley" and Mr. Pennifeather although this latter occurrence was, 
 indeed, by no means a novelty, for little good will had subsisted 
 between the parties for the last three or four months ; and matters 
 had even gone so far, that Mr. Pennifeather had actually knocked 
 down his uncle's friend for some alleged excess of liberty that, 
 the latter had taken in the uncle's house, of which the r.ephew 
 was an inmate. Upon this occasion, " Old Charley " is said to 
 have behaved with exemplary moderation and Christian charity. 
 He arose from the blow, adjusted his clothes, and made no attempt 
 at retaliation at all merely muttering a few words about "taking 
 summary vengeance at the first convenient opportunity," a natu 
 ral and very justifiable ebullition of anger, which meant nothing.
 
 440 THOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 however, and, beyond doubt, was no sooner given vent to than 
 forgotten. 
 
 However these matters may be, (which have no reference to 
 the point now at issue,) it is quite certain that the people of Rat- 
 tleborough, principally through the persuasion of Mr. Pennifeather, 
 came at length to the determination of dispersing over the adjacent 
 country in search of the missing Mr. Shuttleworthy. I say they 
 came to this determination in the first instance. After it had 
 been fully resolved that a search should be made, it was consider- 
 ed almost a matter of course that the seekers should disperse 
 that is to say, distribute themselves in parties for the more 
 thorough examination of the region round about. I forget, how- 
 ever, by what ingenious train of reasoning it was that " Old Char- 
 ley" finally convinced the assembly that this was the most inju- 
 dicious plan that could be pursued. Convince them, however, he 
 did all except Mr. Pennifeather ; and, in the end, it was arranged 
 that a search should be instituted, carefully and very thoroughly, 
 by the burghers en masse, "Old Charley" himself leading the 
 way. 
 
 As for the matter of that, there could have been no better pio- 
 neer than " Old Charley," whom everybody knew to have the eye 
 of a lynx ; but, although he led them into all manner of out-of- 
 the-way holes and corners, by routes that nobody had ever sus- 
 pected of existing in the neighborhood, and although the search 
 was incessantly kept up day and night for nearly a week, still no 
 trace of Mr. Shuttleworthy could be discovered. When I say no 
 trace, however, I must not be understood to speak literally ; for 
 trace, to some extent, there certainly was. The poor gentleman 
 had been tracked, by his horse's shoes, (which were peculiar,) to 
 a spot about three miles to the east of the borough, on the main 
 road leading to the city. Here the track made off into a by-path 
 through a piece of woodland the path coming out again into the 
 main road, and cutting off about half a mile of the regular dis- 
 tance. Following *.he shoe-marks down this lane, the party came 
 at length to a pool of stagnant water, half hidden by the brambles 
 to the right of the lane, and opposite this pool all vestige of the 
 track vas lost sight of. It appeared, however, that a struggle
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 44J 
 
 of some nature had here taken place, and it seemed as if some 
 large and heavy body, much larger and heavier than a man, had 
 been drawn from the by-path to the pool. This latter was care- 
 fully dragged twice, but nothing was found ; and the party Avero 
 upon the point of going away, in despair of coming to any result, 
 when Providence suggested to Mr. Goodfellow the expediency of 
 draining the water off altogether. This project was received with 
 cheers, and many high compliments to " Old Charley" upon his 
 sagacity and consideration. As many of the burghers had brought 
 spades with them, supposing that they might possibly be called 
 upon to disinter a corpse, the drain was easily and speedily effect- 
 ed ; and no sooner was the bottom visible, than right in the middlo 
 of the mud that remained was discovered a black silk velvet waist- 
 coat, which nearly every one present immediately recognised as 
 the property of Mr. Pennifeather. This waistcoat was much torn 
 and stained with blood, and there were several persons among the 
 party who had a distinct remembrance of its having been worn 
 by its owner on the very morning of Mr. Slmttleworthy's depar- 
 ture for the city ; while there were others, again, ready to testify 
 upon oath, if required, that Mr. P. did not wear the garment iii 
 question at any period during the remainder of that memorable 
 day ; nor could any one be found to say that he had seen it upon 
 Mr. P.'s person at any period at all subsequent to Mr. Shuttle- 
 worthy's disappearance. 
 
 Matters now wore a very serious aspect for Mr. Pennifeather, 
 and it was observed, as an indubitable confirmation of the suspi- 
 cions which were excited against him, that he grew exceedingly 
 pale, and when asked what he had to say for himself, was utterly 
 incapable of saying a word. Hereupon, the few friends his riotous 
 mode of living had left him deserted him at once to a man, and 
 were even more clamorous than his ancient and avowed enemies 
 for his instantaneous arrest. But, on the other hand, the magna- 
 nimity of Mr. Goodfellow shone forth with only the more brilliant 
 lustre through contrast. He made a warm and intensely eloquent 
 defence of Mr. Pennifeather, in which he alluded more than once 
 to his own sincere forgiveness of that wild young gentleman 
 " the heir of the worthy Mr. Goodfellow," for the insult which
 
 4-12 THOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 he (the young gentleman) had, no doubt in the heat of passion 
 thought proper to put upon him (Mr. Goodfellow.) " He forgave 
 him for it," he said, " from the very bottom of his heart ; and for 
 himself (Mr. Goodfellow,) so far from pushing the suspicious cir- 
 cumstances to extremity, which, he was sorry to say, really had 
 arisen against Mr. Pennifeather, he (Mr. Goodfellow) would make 
 every exertion in his power, would employ all the little eloquence 
 in his possession to to to soften down, as much as he could 
 conscientiously do so, the worst features of this really exceedingly 
 perplexing piece of business." 
 
 Mr. Goodfellow went on for some half hour longer in this strain, 
 very much to the credit both of his head and of his heart ; but 
 your warm-hearted people are seldom apposite in their observa- 
 tions they run into all sorts of blunders, contre-temps and mal 
 hpropos-isms, in the hot-headedness of their zeal to serve a friend 
 thus, often with the kindest intentions in the world, doing infi- 
 nitely more to prejudice his cause than to advance it. 
 
 So, in the present instance, it turned out with all the eloquence 
 of " Old Charley ;" for, although he labored earnestly in behalf 
 of the suspected, yet it so happened, somehow or other, that every 
 syllable he uttered of which the direct but unwitting tendency 
 was not to exalt the speaker in the good opinion of his audience, 
 had the effect of deepening the suspicion already attached to the 
 individual whose cause he plead, and of arousing against him the 
 fury of the mob. 
 
 One of the most unaccountable errors committed by the orator 
 was his allusion to the suspected as " the heir of the worthy old 
 gentleman Mr. Goodfellow." The people had really never thought 
 of this before. They had only remembered certain threats of dis- 
 inheritance uttered a year or two previously by the uncle, (who 
 had no living relative except the nephew ;) and they had, there- 
 fore, always looked upon this disinheritance as a matter that was 
 settled so single-minded a race of beings were the Rattleburghers 5 
 but the remark of " Old Charley" brought them at once to a con- 
 sideration of this point, and thus gave them to sec the possibility 
 of the threats having been nothing more than a threat. And 
 straightway, hereupon, arose the natural question oicuibono? a
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 443 
 
 question that tended even more than the waistcoat to fasten thq 
 terrible crime upon the young man. And here, lest I be misun- 
 derstood, permit me to digress for one moment merely to observe 
 that the exceedingly brief and simple Latin phrase which I have 
 employed, is invariably mistranslated and misconceived. " Cui 
 bono" in all the crack novels and elsewhere, in those of Mrs. Gore, 
 for example, (the author of "Cecil,") a lady who quotes all tongut-s 
 from the Chaldean to Chickasaw, and is helped to her learning, 
 " as needed," upon a systematic plan, by Mr. Beckford,--in all the 
 crack novels, I say, from those of Bulwer and Dickens to those of 
 Turnapenny and Ainsworth, the two little Latin words cui bono 
 are rendered " to what purpose," or, (as if quo bono?) " to what 
 good." Their true meaning, nevertheless, is " for whose advan- 
 tage." Cui, *to whom ; lono, is it for a benefit. It is a purely 
 legal phrase, and applicable precisely in cases such as we have 
 now under consideration, where the probability of the doer of a 
 deed hinges upon the probability of the benefit accruing to this 
 individual or to that from the deed's accomplishment. Now, in 
 the present instance, the question cui bono very pointedly impli 
 cated Mr. Pennifeather. His uncle had threatened him, after 
 making a will in his favor, with disinheritance. But the threat 
 had not been actually kept ; the original will, it appeared, had not 
 oeen altered. Had it been altered, the only supposable motive 
 for murder on the part of the suspected would have been the or- 
 dinary one of revenge; and even this would have been counter- 
 acted by the hope of reinstation into the good graces of the uncle. 
 But the will being unaltered, while the threat to alter remained 
 suspended 'over the nephew's head, there appears at once the very 
 strongest possible inducement for the atrocity : and so concluded, 
 very sagaciously, the worthy citizens of the borough of Rattle. 
 
 Mr. Pennifeather was, accordingly, arrested upon the spot, and 
 the crowd, after some farther search, proceeded homewards, having 
 him in custody.. On the route, however, another circumstance 
 occurred tending to confirm the suspicion entertained. Mr. GooJ- 
 fellow, whose zeal led him to be always a little in advance of the 
 party, was seen suddenly to run forward a few paces, stoop, and 
 then apparently to pick up some small object from the grass
 
 444 THOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 Having quickly examined it, he was observed, too, to make a sort 
 of half attempt at concealing it in his coat pocket ; but this ac- 
 tion was noticed, as I say, and consequently prevented, when the 
 object picked up was found to be a Spanish knife which a dozen 
 persons at once recognised as belonging to Mr. Pennifeather. 
 Moreover, his initials were engraved upon the handle. The blade 
 of this knife was open and bloody. 
 
 No doubt now remained of the guilt of the nephew, and imme- 
 diately upon reaching Rattleborough he was taken before a magis- 
 trate tor examination. 
 
 Here matters again took a most unfavorable turn. The prisoner, 
 being questioned as to his whereabouts on the morning of Mr. 
 Shuttle-worthy's disappearance, had absolutely the audacity to ac- 
 knowledge that on that very morning he had been out with his 
 rifle deer-stalking, in the immediate neighborhood of the pool 
 where the blood-stained waistcoat had been discovered through 
 the sagacity of Mr. Goodfellow. 
 
 This latter now came forward, and, with tears in his eyes, asked 
 permission to be examined. -He said that a stern sense of the duty 
 he owed his Maker, not less than his fellow-men, would permit him 
 no longer to remain silent. Hitherto, the sincerest affection for 
 the young man (notwithstanding the latter's ill treatment of him- 
 self, Mr. Goodfellow,) had induced him to make every hypothesis 
 which imagination could suggest, by way of endeavoring to account 
 for what appeared suspicious in the circumstances that told so 
 seriously against Mr. Pennifeather ; but these circumstances were 
 now altogether too convincing too damning ; he would hesitate 
 no longer he would tell all he knew, although his heart (Mr. 
 Goodfellow's) should absolutely burst asunder in the effort. He 
 then went on to state that, on the afternoon of the day previous 
 to Mr. Shuttleworthy's departure for the city, that worthy old gen- 
 tleman had mentioned to his nephew, in his hearing, (Mr. Good- 
 fellow's,) that his object in going to town on the morrow was to 
 make a deposit of an unusually large sum of money in the " Far- 
 mers' and Mechanics' Bank," and that, then ar.d there the said 
 Mr. Shuttleworthy had distinctly avowed to the said nephew his 
 irrevocable determination of rescinding the will originally
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 445 
 
 and of cutting him off with a shilling. He (the witness) now 
 solemnly called upon the accused to state whether what he (the 
 witness) had just stated was or was not the truth in every sub- 
 stantial particular. Much to the astonishment of every one pro- 
 sent, Mr. Pennifeather frankly admitted that it was. 
 
 The magistrate now considered it his duty to send a couple of 
 constables to search the chamber of the accused in the house of 
 his uncle. From this search they almost immediately returned 
 with the well known steel-bound, russet leather pocket-book which 
 the old gentleman had been in the habit of carrying for years. Its 
 valuable contents, however, had been abstracted, and the magis- 
 trate in vain endeavored to extort from the prisoner the use which 
 had been made of them, or the place of their concealment. In- 
 deed, he obstinately denied all knowledge of the matter. The 
 constables, also, discovered, between the bed and sacking of the 
 unhappy man, a shirt and neck-handkerchief both marked with 
 the initials of his name, and both hideously besmeared with the 
 blood of the victim. 
 
 At this juncture, it was announced that the horse of the mur- 
 dered man had just expired in the stable from the effects of the 
 wound he had received, and it was proposed by Mr. Goodfellow 
 that a post mortem examination of the beast should be immedi- 
 ately made, with the view, if possible, of discovering the ball. This 
 was accordingly done ; and, as if to demonstrate beyond a ques- 
 tion the guilt of the accused, Mr. Goodfellow, after considerable 
 searching in the cavity of the chest, was enabled to detect and to 
 pull forth a bullet of very extraordinary size, which, upon trial, 
 was found to be exactly adapted to the bore of Mr. Pennifeather's 
 rifle, while it was far too large for that of any other person in the 
 borough or its vicinity. To render the matter even surer yet, 
 however, this bullet was discovered to have a flaw or seam at 
 right angles to the usual suture ; and upon examination, this seam 
 corresponded precisely with an accidental ridge or elevation in a 
 paii of moulds acknowledged by the accused himself to be his 
 own property. Upon the finding of this bullet, the examining 
 magistrate refused to listen to any farther testimony, and imme- 
 diately committed the prisoner for trial declining resolutely to
 
 446 THOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 take any bail in the case, although against this severity Mr. Good 
 fellow very warmly remonstrated, and offered to become surety in 
 whatever amount might be required. This generosity on the part 
 of " Old Charley" was only in accordance with the whole tenor 
 of his amiable and chivalrous conduct during the entire period of 
 his sojourn in the borough of Rattle. In the present instance, the 
 worthy man was so entirely carried away by the excessive warmth 
 of his sympathy, that he seemed to have quite forgotten, when he 
 offered to go bail for his young friend, that he himself (Mr. Good- 
 fellow) did not possess a single dollar's worth of property upon the 
 face of the earth. 
 
 The result of the committal may be readily foreseen. Mr. Pen- 
 nifeather, amid the loud execrations of all Rattleborough, was 
 brought to trial at the next criminal sessions, when the chain 
 of circumstantial evidence (strengthened as it was by some ad- 
 ditional damning facts, which Mr. Goodfellow's sensitive con- 
 scientiousness forbade him to withhold from the court.,) was 
 considered so unbroken and so thoroughly conclusive, that the 
 jury, without leaving their seats, returned an immediate verdict 
 of " Guilty of murder in the first degree? Soon afterwards 
 the unhappy wretch received sentence of- death, and was re- 
 manded to the county jail to await the inexorable vengeance of 
 the law. 
 
 In the mean time, the noble behavior of " Old Charley Goodfel- 
 low" had doubly endeared him to the honest citizens of the bor- 
 ough. He became ten times a greater favorite than ever ; and, 
 as a natural result of the hospitality with which he was treated, 
 he relaxed, as it were, perforce, the extremely parsimonious habits 
 which his poverty had hitherto impelled him to observe, and very 
 frequently had little reunions at his own house, when wit and 
 jollity reigned supreme dampened a little, of course, by the occa- 
 sional remembrance of the untoward and melancholy fate which 
 impended over the nephew of the late lamented bosom friend of 
 the generous host. 
 
 One fine day, this magnanimous old gentleman was agreeably 
 surprised at the receipt of the following letter :
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 447 
 
 " Charles Goodfellow, Esquire 
 
 "Dear Sir In conformity with an order transmitted to our firm 
 ab\Yut two months since, by our esteemed correspondent, Mr. Barna- 
 bas Shultlemorthy, we have the honor of forwarding this morning, 
 to your address, a double box of (Jhateau-Margaux, of the antelope 
 brand, violet seal. Box numbered and marked as per margin. 
 1 We remain, sir, 
 
 " Your most ob'nt ser'ls, 
 
 Hones, FROGS, BOGS & Co. 
 
 " City of , June 21st, 18. 
 
 " P. S. The box mil reach you, by wagon, on the day after youf 
 receipt of this letter Our respects to Mr. Shuttleworthy. 
 
 H. F. B. & Co." 
 
 The fact is, that Mr. Goodfellow had, since the death of Mr. 
 Shuttleworthy, given over all expectation of ever receiving the 
 promised Chateau-Margaux ; and he, therefore, looked upon it now 
 as a sort of especial dispensation of Providence in his behalf. Ha 
 was highly delighted, of course, and in the exuberance of his joy, 
 invited a large party of friends to a petit souper on the morrow, 
 p or the purpose of broaching the good old Mr. Shuttle worthy's pre 
 seat. Not that he said any thing about "the good old Mr. Shut- 
 tleworthy" when he issued the invitations. The fact is, he thought 
 much and concluded to say nothing at all. He did not mention 
 to any one if I remember aright that he had received a present 
 of Chateau-Margaux. He merely asked his friends to come and 
 help him drink some of a remarkably fine quality and rich flavor, 
 that he had ordered up from the city a couple of months ago, and 
 of which he would be in the receipt upon the morrow. I have 
 often puzzled myself to imagine why it was that " Old Charley" 
 came to the conclusion to say nothing about having received the 
 wine f:om his old friend, but I could never precisely understand 
 his reason for the silence, although he had some excellent and very 
 magnanimous reason, no doubt. 
 
 The morrow at length arrived, and with it a very large and 
 highly respectable company at Mr. Goodfellow's house. Indeed, 
 half the borough was there I myself among the number but, 
 much to the vexation of the host, the Chateau-Margaux did not 
 arrive until a late hour, and when the sumptuous supper 'supplied 
 by " Old Charley" had been drne very ample justice by the
 
 443 TIIOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 guests. It came at length, however, a monstrously big box of 
 it there was, too, and as the whole party were in excessively 
 good humor, it was decided, nem. con., that it should be lifted 
 upon the table and its contents disemboweled forthwith. 
 
 No sooner said than done. I lent a helping hand ; and, in a 
 trice, we had the box upon the table, in the midst of all the bottles 
 and glasses, not a few of which were demolished in the scuffle. 
 " Old Charley," who was pretty much intoxicated, and excessively 
 red in the face, now took a seat, with an air of mock dignity, at 
 the head of the board, and thumped furiously upon it with a 
 decanter, calling upon the company to keep order " during the 
 ceremony of disinterring the treasure." 
 
 After some vociferation, quiet was at length fully restored, and, 
 as very often happens in similar cases, a profound and remarkable 
 silence ensued. Being then requested to force open the lid, I 
 complied, of course, "with an infinite deal of pleasure." I inserted 
 a chisel, and giving it a few slight taps with a hammer, the top 
 of the box flew suddenly and violently off, and, at the same 
 instant, there sprang up into a sitting position, directly facing the 
 host, the bruised, bloody and nearly putrid corpse of the murdered 
 Mr. Shuttleworthy himself. It gazed for a few moments, fixedly 
 and sorrowfully, with its decaying and lack-lustre eyes, full into 
 the countenance of Mr. Goodfellow ; uttered slowly, but clearly 
 and impressively, the words " Thou art the man !" and then, 
 falling over the side of the chest as if thoroughly satisfied, 
 stretched out its limbs quiveringly upon the table. 
 
 The scene that ensued is altogether beyond description. The 
 rush for the doors and windows was terrific, and many of the most 
 robust men in the room fainted outright through sheer horror. 
 But after the first wild, shrieking burst of affright, all eyes were 
 directed to Mr. Goodfellow. If I live a thousand years, I can 
 never forget the more than mortal agony which was depicted in 
 that ghastly face of his, so lately rubicund with triumph and wine. 
 For several minutes, he sat rigidly as a statue of marble ; his eyes 
 seeming, in the intense vacancy of their gaze, to be turned inwards 
 and absorbed in the contemplation of his own miserable, murderous 
 Roul. At length, their expression appeared to flash suddenly out 
 into the external world, when with a quick leap, he sprang from
 
 THOU ART THE MAN. 449 
 
 his chair, and falling heavily with his head and shoulder? upon 
 the table, and in contact with the corpse, poured out rapidiy and 
 vehemently a detailed confession of the hideous crime for which 
 Mr. Penuiteather was then imprisoned and doomed to die. 
 
 What he recounted was in substance this : He followed his 
 victim to the vicinity of the pool ; there shot his horse with a 
 pistol ; despatched the rider with its butt end ; possessed himself 
 of the pocket-book ; and, supposing the horse dead, dragged it 
 with great labor to the brambles by the pond. Upon his owu 
 beast he slung the corpse of Mr. Shuttleworthy, and thus bore it 
 to a secure place of concealment a long distance off through the 
 woods. 
 
 The waistcoat, the knife, the pocket-book and bullet, had been 
 placed by himself where found, with the view of avenging himself 
 upon Mr. Pennifeather. He had also contrived the discovery of 
 the stained handkerchief and shirt. 
 
 Towards the end of the blood-chilling recital, the words of the 
 guilty wretch faltered and grew hollow. When the record was 
 finally exhausted, he arose, staggered backwards from the table, 
 and fell dead. 
 
 The means by which this happily-timed confession was extorted, 
 although efficient, were simple indeed. Mr. Goodfellow's excess 
 of frankness had disgusted me, and excited my suspicions from the 
 first. I was present when Mr. Pennifeather had struck him, and 
 the fiendish expression which then arose upon his countenance, 
 although momentary, assured me that his threat of vengeance 
 would, if possible, be rigidly fulfilled. I was thus prepared to view 
 the manoeuvring of " Old Charley" in a very different light from 
 that in which it was regarded by the good citizens of Rattlebor- 
 ough. I saw at once that all the criminating discoveries arose, 
 either directly, or indirectly, from himself. But the fact which 
 clearly opened my eyes to the true state of the case, was tto 
 affair of the bullet, found by Mr. G. in the carcass of the horse, 
 / had not forgotten, although the Kattleburghers had, that there 
 was a hole where the ball had entered the horse, and another 
 where it went out. If it were found in the animal then, after having 
 made its exit I saw clearly that it must have been deposited by
 
 4,-,0 THOU ART THE MAN. 
 
 tlie person who found it. The bloody shirt and handkerchief con- 
 firmed the idea suggested by the bullet ; for the blood upon 
 examination proved to be capital claret, and no more. When I 
 came to think of these things, and also of the late increase of 
 liberality and expenditure on the part of Mr. Goodfellow, I enter- 
 tained a suspicion which was none the less strong because I kept 
 it altogether to myself. 
 
 In the mean time, I instituted a rigorous private search for the 
 Corpse of Mr. Shuttleworthy, and, for good reasons, searched in 
 quarters as divergent as possible from those to which Mr. Good- 
 fellow conducted his party. The result was that, after some days, 
 I came across an old dry well, the mouth of which was nearly 
 hidden by brambles ; and here, at the bottom, I discovered what 
 I sought. 
 
 Now it so happened that I had overheard the colloquy between 
 the two cronies, when Mr. Goodfellow had contrived to cajole his 
 host into the promise of a box of Chateau-Margaux. Upon this 
 hint- 1 acted. I procured a stiff piece of whalebone, thrust it 
 down the throat of the corpse, and deposited the latter in an old 
 wine box taking care so to double the body up as to double the 
 whalebone with it. In this manner I had to press forcibly upon 
 the lid to keep it down while I secured it with nails ; and I antici- 
 pated, of course, that as soon as these latter were removed, the top 
 would fly off and the body up. 
 
 Having thus arranged the box, I marked, numbered and ad- 
 dressed it as already told ; and then writing a letter in the name 
 of the wine merchants with whom Mr. Shuttleworthy dealt, 1 
 gave instructions .to my servant to wheel the box to Mr. Goodfel- 
 lows's door, in a barrow, at a given signal from myself. For the 
 words which I intended the corpse to speak, I confidently depend- 
 ed upon my ventriloquial abilities ; for their effect, I counted upon 
 the conscience of the murderous wretch. 
 
 I believe there is nothing more to be explained. Mr. Penni- 
 feather was released upon the spot, inherited the fortune of his 
 uncle, profited by the lessons of experience, turned over a new 
 leaf, and led happily ever afterwards a new life.
 
 I NEVER knew any one so keenly alive to a joke as the king 
 was. He seemed to live only for joking. To tell a good story 
 of the joke kind, and to tell it well, was the surest road to his 
 favor. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted 
 for their accomplishments as jokers. They all took after the- king, 
 too, in being large, corpulent, oily men, as well as inimitable 
 jokers. Whether people grow fat by joking, or whether there is 
 something in fat itself which predisposes to a joke, I have never 
 been quite able to determine ; but certain it is that a lean joker is 
 a rr.ra avis in terris. 
 
 About the refinements, or, as he called them, the " ghosts" of 
 wit, the king troubled himself very little. He had an especial 
 admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with 
 length, for the sake of it. Over-niceties wearied him. He would 
 have preferred Rabelais's " Gargantua," to the " Zadig" of Vol- 
 taire : and, upon the whole, practical jokes suited his taste far 
 better than verbal ones. 
 
 At the date of my narrative, professing jesters had not alto- 
 gether gone out of fashion at court. Several of the great conti- 
 nental " powers" still retained their " fools," who wore motley, 
 wilh caps and bells, ajid who were expected to be always ready 
 with sharp witticisms, at a moment's notice, in consideration of the 
 crumbs that fell from the royal table. 
 
 Our king, as a matter of course, retained his " fool." The fact 
 is, he required something in the way of folly if only to eouu-
 
 452 HOP-FKOG. 
 
 terbalance the heavy wisdom of the seven wise men who were his 
 ministers not to mention himself. 
 
 His fool, or professional jester, was not only a foot, however. 
 His value was trebled in the eyes of the long, by the fact of hia 
 being also a dwarf and a cripple. Dwarfs were as common at 
 court, in those clays, as fools ; and many monarchs would have 
 found it difficult to get through their days (days are rather longer 
 at court than elsewhere) without both a jester to laugh ivith, and 
 a dwarf to laugh at. But, as I have already observed, your jest- 
 ers, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, are fat, round and un- 
 wieldy so that it was no small source of self-gratulation with 
 our king that, in Hop-Frog (this was the fool's name,) he pos- 
 sessed a triplicate treasure in one person. 
 
 I believe the name " Hop-Frog" was not that given to the 
 dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon Inin, 
 by general consent of the seven ministers, on account of hi:-', ina- 
 bility to walk as other men do. In fact, Hop-Frog could onl/ get 
 along by a sort of interjectional gait something between a leap 
 and a wriggle a movement that afforded illimitable amuf omerit, 
 and of course consolation, to the king, for (notwithstandiag the 
 protuberance of his stomach and a constitutional swelling of the 
 head) the king, by his whole court, was accounted a capital figure. 
 
 But although Hop-Frog, through the distortion of Ida legs, 
 could move only with great pain and difficulty along a road or 
 floor, the prodigious muscular power which nature seemed to have 
 bestowed upon his arms, by way of compensation for deficiency in 
 the lower limbs, enabled him to perform many feats of wonderful 
 dexterity, where trees or ropes were in question, or anything else 
 to climb. At such exercises he certainly much more resembled a 
 squirrel, or a small monkey, than a frog. 
 
 I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop- 
 Frog originally came. It was from some baibarous region, how- 
 ever, that no person ever heard of a vast distance from the court 
 of our king. Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish 
 than himself (although of exquisite proportions, and a marvellous 
 dancer,) had been forcibly carried oft" from their respective homes 
 in adjoining provinces, and sent as presents to the king, by one 
 of his ever-victorious generals. 

 
 HOP-FROG. 453 
 
 Under these circumstances, it is not to be wondered at that a 
 close intimacy arose between the two little captives. Indeed, they 
 soon became sworn friends. Hop-Frog, who, although he made 
 a great deal of sport, was by no means popular, had it not in hia 
 power to render Trippetta many services ; but she, on account of 
 her grace and exquisite beauty (although a dwarf,) T/as univer- 
 sally admired and petted : so she possessed much influence ; and 
 never failed to use it, whenever she could, for the benefit of Hop 
 Frog. 
 
 On some grand state occasion I forget what the king deter- 
 mined to have a masquerade; and whenever a masquerade, or 
 anything of that kind, occurred at our court, then the talents both 
 of Hop-Frog and Trippetta were sure to be called in play. Hop- 
 Frog, in especial, was so inventive in the way of getting up pa- 
 geants, suggesting novel characters, and arranging costume, for 
 masked balls, that nothing could be done, it seems, without his 
 assistance. . 
 
 The night appointed for the fete had arrived. A gorgeous hall 
 had been fitted up, under Trippetta's eye, with every kind of de- 
 vice which could possibly give eclat to a masquerade. The whole 
 court was in a fever of expectation. As for costumes and charac- 
 ters, it might well be supposed that everybody had come to a 
 decision on such points. Many had made up their minds (as to 
 what roles they should assume) a week, or even a month, in ad- 
 vance; and, in fact, there was not a particle of indecision any- 
 where except in the case of the king and his seven ministers. 
 Why they hesitated I never could tell, unless they did it by way 
 of a joke. More probably, they found it difficult, on account of 
 being so fat, to make up their minds. At all events, time flew; 
 and, as a last resource, they sent for Trippetta and Hop-Frog. 
 
 When the two little friends obeyed the summons of the king, 
 they found him sitting at his wine with the seven members of his 
 cabinet council; but the monarch appeared to be in a very ill 
 humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not fond of wine; for it 
 excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and madness is no 
 comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes, and 
 took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink and (as the king caHed 
 it) "to be merry."
 
 454 HOP-FROG. 
 
 " Come here, Hop-Frog," said lie, as the jester and his friend 
 entered the room: "swallow this bumper to the health of your 
 absent friends [here Hop-Frog sighed,] and then let us have the 
 benefit of your invention. We want characters characters^ mat 
 something novel out of the way. We are wearied with this 
 everlasting sameness. Come, drink ! the wine will brighten 
 your wits." 
 
 Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to 
 these advances from the king ; but the effort was too much. It 
 happened to be the poor dwarf's birthday, and the command to 
 drink to his "absent friends" forced the tears to his eyes. Many 
 large, bitter drops fell into the goblet as he took it, humbly, from 
 the hand of the tyrant. 
 
 " Ah ! ha ! ha ! ha !" roared the latter, as the dwarf reluctantly 
 drained the beaker. " See what a glass of good wine can do ! 
 Why, your eyes are shining already !" 
 
 Poor fellow ! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone ; for the 
 effect of wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than 
 instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table, and 
 looked round upon the company with a half-insane stare. They 
 all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's "joke." 
 
 " And now to business," said the prime minister, a very fat 
 man. 
 
 " Yes," said the king ; " come, Hop-Frog, lend us your assist- 
 ance. Characters, my fine fellow ; we stand in need of character 
 all of us ha ! ha ! ha !" and as this was seriously meant for a 
 joke, his laugh was chorused by the seven. 
 
 " Hop-Frog also laughed, although .feebly and somewhat va- 
 cantly. 
 
 " Come, come," said the king, impatiently, "have you nothing 
 to suggest ?" 
 
 " I am endeavoring to think of something novel" replied the 
 dwarf, abstractedly, for he was quite bewildered by the wine. 
 
 " Endeavoring !" cried the tyrant, fiercely ; " what do you 
 mean by that ? Ah, I perceive. You are sulky, and want more 
 wine. Here, drink this !" and he poured out another goblet full 
 and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for 
 breath.
 
 HOP-FROG. 455 
 
 " Drink, I say !" shouted the monster, " or by the fiends " 
 
 The dwarf hesitated. The king grew purple with rage. The 
 courtiers smirked. Trippetta, pale as a corpse, advanced to the 
 monarch's seat, and, falling on her knees before him, implored 
 him to spare her friend. 
 
 The tyrant regarded her, for some moments, in evident wonder 
 at. her audacity. He seemed quite at a loss what to do or say 
 how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, with- 
 out uttering a syllable, he pushed her violently from him, and 
 threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face. 
 
 The poor girl got up as best she could, and, not daring even to 
 sigh, resumed her position at the foot of the table. 
 
 There was a dead silence for about a half a minute, during 
 which the falling of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard. 
 It was interrupted by a low, but harsh and protracted grating 
 sound which seemed to come at once from every corner of the 
 room. 
 
 " What what what are you making that noise for ?" de 
 manded the king, turning furiously to the dwarf. 
 
 The latter seemed to have recovered, in great measure, from 
 his intoxication, and looking fixedly but quietly into the tyrant'^ 
 face, merely ejaculated : 
 
 " I I ? How could it have been me ?" 
 
 " The sound appeared to come from without," observed one of 
 the courtiers. "I fancy it was the parrot at the window, whetting 
 his bill upon his cage-wires." 
 
 " True," replied the monarch, as if much relieved by the sug- 
 gestion ; " but, on the honor of a knight, I could have sworn that 
 it was the gritting of this vagabond's teeth." 
 
 Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a 
 joker to object to any one's laughing), and displayed a set of 
 large, powerful, and very repulsive teeth. Moreover, he avowed 
 his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The' 
 monarch was pacified; and having drained another bumper with 
 no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and with 
 spirit, into the plans for the masquerade. 
 
 " I cannot tell what was the association of idea," observed Le, 
 very tranquilly, and as if he had nevor tasted wine in his life, " but
 
 456 HOP- FROG. 
 
 just after your majesty had struck the girl and thrown the 
 in her face just after your majesty had done this, and while the 
 parrot was making that odd noise outside the window, there came 
 into my mind a capital diversion one of my own country frolic3 
 often enacted among us, at our masquerades : but here it will 
 be new altogether. Unfortunately, however, it requires a company 
 of eight persons, and " 
 
 " Here we are /" cried the king, laughing at his acute discov- 
 ery of the coincidence ; " eight to a fraction I and my seven 
 ministers. Come ! what is the diversion ?" 
 
 "We call it," replied the .cripple, "the Eight Chained Ourang- 
 Outangs, and it really is excellent sport if well enacted." 
 
 " We will enact it," remarked the king, drawing himself up, and 
 lowering his eyelids. 
 
 "The beauty of the game," continued Hop-Frog, "lies in the 
 fright it occasions among the women." 
 
 " Capital !" roared in chorus the monarch and his ministry. 
 
 "/will equip you as ourang-outangs," proceeded the dwarf; 
 *" \eave all that to me. The resemblance shall be so striking, that 
 the company of masqueraders will take you for real beasts and 
 of course, they will be as much terrified as astonished." 
 
 " 0, this is exquisite !" exclaimed the king. " Hop-Frog ! I 
 will make a man of you." 
 
 " The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion, by 
 their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masst, 
 from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect pro 
 duced, at a masquerade, by eight chained ourang-outangs, imag- 
 ined to be real ones by most of the company ; and rushing in 
 with savage cries, among the crowd of delicately and gorgeously 
 habited men and women. The contrast is inimitable." 
 
 " It must be," said the king : and the council arose hurriedly 
 (as it was growing late), to put in execution the scheme of Hop- 
 Frog. 
 
 Hii. mode of equipping the party as ourang-outangs was very 
 simple, but effective enough for his purposes. The animals in 
 Question had. at the epoch of my story, very rarely been seen in 
 any part of the civilized world ; and as the imitations made by 
 the dwarf were sufficiently beast-like and more than sufficiently
 
 HOP-FROG. 457 
 
 hideous, tlieir truthfulness to nature was thus thought to be 
 secured. 
 
 The king and his ministers were first encased in tight- fitting 
 stockinet shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar 
 At this stage of the process, some one of the party suggested 
 feathers ; but the suggestion was at once overruled by the dwarf, 
 who soon convinced the eight, by ocular demonstration, that the 
 hair of such a brute as the ourang-outang was much more effi- 
 ciently represented by flax, A thick coating of the latter was 
 accordingly plastered upon the coating of tar. A long chain was 
 now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king, 
 and tied ; then about another of the party, and also tied ; then 
 about all successively, in the same manner. When this chaining 
 arrangement was complete, and the party stood as far apart from 
 each other as possible, they formed a circle; and to make all 
 things appear natural. Hop-Frog passed the residue of the chain, 
 in two diameters, at right angles, across the circle, after the fashion 
 adopted, at the present day, by those who capture Chimpanzees, 
 or other large apes, in Borneo. 
 
 Tb.e grand saloon in which the masquerade was to take place, 
 was ,-j circular room, very lofty, and receiving the light of the sun 
 only through a single window at top. At night (the season for 
 which the apartment was especially designed,) it was illuminated 
 principally by a large chandelier, depending by a chain from the 
 centie of the sky-light, and lowered, or elevated, by means of a 
 counter-balance as usual ; but (in order not to look unsightly) this 
 laf ter passed outside the cupola and over the roof. 
 
 The arrangements of the room had been left to Trippetta's 
 an peri n tendance ; but, in some particulars, it seems, she had been 
 guid id by the calmer judgment of her friend the dwarf. At his 
 suggestion it was that, on this occasion, the chandelier was remo- 
 val. Its waxen drippings (which, in weather so warm, it was 
 quite impossible to prevent,) would have been seriously detrimen 
 tal to the rich dresses of the guests, who, on account of the crowd 
 ed state of the saloon, could not all be expected to keep from out 
 its centre that is to say, from under the chandelier. Additiona' 
 sconces were set in various parts of the hall, out of the way ; and
 
 458 HOP-FROG. 
 
 a flambeau, emitting sweet odor, was placed in the right hand of 
 aarh of the Caryaides that stood against the wall some fifty 01 
 sixty altogether. 
 
 The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog's advice, waited 
 patiently until midnight (when the room was thoroughly filled 
 vriti. masqueraders) before making their appearance. No soocer 
 had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed, or ra- 
 ther rolled in, all together for the impediment of their chains 
 caused most of the party to fall, and all to stumble as they en- 
 tered. 
 
 The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and 
 filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, 
 *here were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious- 
 looluug creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not pre- 
 cisely ourang-outangs. Many of the women swooned with affright; 
 and had not the king taken the precaution to exclude all weapons 
 from the saloon, his party might soon have expiated their frolic 
 in their blood. As it was, a general rush was made for the doors:' 
 but the king had ordered them to be locked immediately upou 
 his entrance ; and, at the dwarf's suggestion, the keys had been 
 deposited with him. 
 
 While the tumult was at its height, and each masquerader 
 attentive only to his own safety (for, in fact, there was much 
 real danger from the pressure of the excited crowd,) the chain 
 by which the chandelier ordinarily hung, and which had boej; 
 drawn up on its removal, might have been seen very gradually 
 to descend, until its hooked extremity came within three feet of 
 the floor. 
 
 Soon after this, the king and his seven friends, having reeled 
 about the hall in all directions, found themselves, at length, iu 
 its centre, and, of course, in immediate contact with the chain. 
 While they were thus situated, the dwarf, who had followed 
 Closely at their heels, inciting them to keep up the commotion, 
 took hold of their own chain at the intersection of the two por- 
 tions which crossed the circle diametrically and at right angles. 
 Here, with the rapidity of thought, he inserted the hook from 
 which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an instant,
 
 HOP-FROG. 459 
 
 by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far 
 upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable 
 consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close con- 
 nection, and face to face. 
 
 The masqueraders, by this time, had recovered, in some measure, 
 from their alarm; and, beginning to regard the whole matter as a 
 well-contrived pleasantry, set up a loud shout of laughter at the 
 predicament of the apes. 
 
 "Leave them to me!" now screamed Hop-Frog, his shrill voice 
 making itself easily heard through all the din. '' Leave them to 
 iiie. I fancy / know them. If I can only get a good look at 
 them, / can soon tell who they are." 
 
 Here, scrambling over the heads of the crowd, he managed to 
 get to the wall ; when, seizing a flambeau from one of the Carya- 
 ides, he returned, as he went, to the centre of the room leaped, 
 with the agility of a monkey, upon the king's head and thence 
 clambered a few feet up the chain holding down the torch to 
 examine the group of ourang-outangs, and still screaming, " / shall 
 soon find out who they are !" 
 
 And now, while the whole assembly (the apes included) were 
 convulsed with laughter, the jester suddenly uttered a shrill whis- 
 tle ; when the chain flew violently up for about thirty feet drag- 
 ging with it the dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and 
 leaving them suspended in mid-air between the sky-light and the 
 floor. Hop-Frog, clinging to the chain as it rose, still maintained 
 his relative position in respect to the eight maskers, and still (as 
 if nothing were the matter) continued to thrust his torch down 
 towards them, as though endeavoring to discover who they were. 
 
 So thoroughly astonished were the whole company at this ascent, 
 that a dead silence, of about a minute's duration, ensued. It was 
 broken by just such a low, harsh, grating sound, as had before 
 attracted the attention of the king and his councillors, when tho 
 former threw the wine in the face of Trippetta. But, on the pres- 
 cut occasion, there could be no question as to u'hence the sound 
 issu.-d. It came from the fang-like teeth of the dwarf, who ground 
 them and gnashed them as he foamed at the mouth, and glared, 
 with an expression of maniacal rage, into the upturned counte- 
 nances of the king and his seven companions.
 
 4GO HOP-FROG. 
 
 "AL, ha!" said at length the infuriated jester. "Ah, ha! 1 
 begin to see who these people are, now !" Here, pretending to 
 scrutinize the king more closely, he held the flambeau to the flaxen 
 coat which enveloped him, and which instantly burst into a sheet 
 of vivid flame. In less than half a minute the whole eight ourang- 
 outangs were blazing fiercely, amid the shrieks of the multitude 
 who gazed at them from below, horror-stricken, and without the 
 power to render them the slightest assistance. 
 
 At length the flames, suddenly increasing in virulence, forced 
 the jester to climb higher up the chain, to be out of their reach ; 
 and, as he made this movement, the crowd again sank, for a brief 
 instant, into silence. The dwarf seized his opportunity, and once 
 more spoke : 
 
 " I now see distinctly" he said, " what manner of people these 
 maskers are. They are a great king and his seven privy-council- 
 lors a king who does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl, and 
 his seven councillors who abet him in the <~> i itrage. As for mv- 
 self, I am simply Hop-Frog, the jester and this is my last jest." 
 
 Owing to the high combustibility of both the flax and the tar 
 to which it adhered, the dwarf had scarcely made an end of his 
 brief speech before the work of vengeance was complete. The 
 eight corpses swung in their chains, a fetid, blackened, hideous, 
 and indistinguishable mass. The cripple hurled his torch at 
 them, clambered leisurely to the ceiling, and disappeared through 
 the sky-light. 
 
 It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof of the sa- 
 loon, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, 
 and that, together, they effected their escape to their own country: 
 for neither was seen again.
 
 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE; 
 
 THE HOMO-CAMELEOPARD. 
 
 Cbacun a ses vertuw. 
 
 Crebilloris Xtrxet. 
 
 ANTTOCHUS EPIPHA.NES is very generally looked upon as the 
 Gog of the prophet Ezekiel. This honor is, however, more pro^ 
 perly attributable to Cambyses, the son of Cyrus. And, indeed, 
 the character of the Syrian monarch does by no means stand in 
 need of any adventitious embellishment. His accession to the 
 throne, or rather his usurpation of the sovereignty, a hundred 
 and seventy -one years before the coming of Christ; his attempt- 
 to plunder the temple of Diana at Ephesus ; his implacable hos- 
 tility to the Jews; his pollution of the Holy of Holies; and his 
 miserable death at Taba, after a tumultuous reign of eleven years, 
 are circumstances of a prominent kind, and therefore more gene- 
 rally noticed by the historians of his time, than the impious, dast- 
 ardly, cruel, silly and whimsical achievements which make up th 
 sum total of his private life and reputation. 
 
 * * * * *.**** 
 
 Let us suppose, gentle reader, that it is now the year of the 
 world three thousand eight hundred and thirty, and let us, for a 
 few minutes, imagine ourselves at that most grotesque habitation 
 of man, the remarkable city of Antioch. To be sure there were, 
 in Syria and other countries, sixteen cities of that appellation, 
 besides the one to which I more particularly allude. But ours is 
 that which went by the name of Antiochia Epidaphne, from its 
 vicinity to the little village of Daphne, where stood a temple to 
 that divinity. It was built (although about this matter there is
 
 42 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE. 
 
 eoine dispute) by Seleucus Nicanor, the first king of the country 
 after Alexander the Great, in memory of his father Antioctns. 
 and became immediately the residence of the Syrian monarchy 
 In the flourishing times of the Roman Empire, it was the ordi 
 nary station of the prefect of the eastern provinces ; and many 
 of the emperors of the queen city, (among whom may be men- 
 tioned especially, Verus and Valens,) spent here the greater part 
 rf their time. But I perceive we have arrived at the city itself. 
 Let us ascend this battlement, and throw our eyes upon the town, 
 and neighboring country. 
 
 " What broad and rapid river is that which forces its way, with 
 innumerable falls, through the mountainous wilderness, and finally 
 through the wilderness of buildings?" 
 
 That is the Orontes, arid it is the only water in sight, with the 
 exception of the Mediterranean, which stretches like a broad mir- 
 ror, about twelve miles off to the southward. Every one has seen 
 the Mediterranean ; but let me tell you, there are few who have 
 had a peep at Antioch. By few, I mean, few who, like you and 
 me, have had, at the same time, the advantages of a modern edu- 
 cation. Therefore cease to regard that sea, and give your whole 
 attention to the mass of houses that lie beneath us. You will 
 remember that it is now the year of the world three thousand 
 eight hundred and thirty. Were it later for example, were it 
 the year of our Lord eighteen hundred and forty-five, we should 
 be deprived of this extraordinary spectacle. In the nineteenth 
 century Antioch is that is to say, Antioch will be in a lament- 
 able state of decay. It will have been, by that time, totally de- 
 Btroyed, at three different periods, by three successive earthquakes. 
 Indeed, to say the truth, what little of its former self may then 
 remain, will be found in so desolate and ruinous a state that the 
 patriarch shall have removed his residence to Damascus. This is 
 well. I see you profit by my advice, and are making the most 
 of your time in inspecting the premises in 
 
 -satisfying your eyes 
 
 "With the memorials ami the things of fume 
 That most renown this city. 
 
 I beg pardon; I had forgotten that Shakspeare will not flourish
 
 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE. 4fi;} 
 
 for seventeen hundred and fifty years to come. But does not, the 
 appearance of Epidaphne justify me in calling it grotesque ? 
 
 " It is well fortified ; and in this respect is as much indebted to 
 nature as to art." 
 
 Very true. 
 
 " There are a prodigious number of stately palaces." 
 
 There are. 
 
 "And the numerous temples, sumptuous and magnificent, may 
 bear comparison with the most lauded of antiquity." 
 
 All this I must acknowledge. Still there is an infinity of mud 
 huts, and abominable hovels. We cannot help perceiving abun- 
 dance of filth in every kennel, and, were it not for the overpower- 
 ing fumes of idolatrous incense, I have no doubt we should find 
 a most intolerable stench. Did you ever behold streets so insuffer- 
 ably narrow, or houses so miraculously tall ? What a gloom their 
 shadows cast upon the ground ! It is well the swinging lamps 
 in those endless colonnades are kept burning throughout the day ; 
 we should otherwise have the darkness of Egypt in the time of 
 her desolation. 
 
 " It is certainly a strange place ! What is the meaning of yon- 
 der singular building ? See ! it towers above all others, and lies 
 to the eastward of what I take to be the royal palace !" 
 
 That is the new Temple of the Sun, who is adored in Syria 
 under the title of Elah Gabalah. Hereafter a very notorious Ro- 
 man Emperor will institute this worship in Rome, and thence de 
 rive a cognomen, Heliogabalus. I dare say you would like to 
 take a peep at the divinity of the temple. You need not look up 
 at the heavens ; his Sunship is not there at least not the Sunship 
 adored by the Syrians. That deity will be found in the interior 
 of yonder building. He is worshipped under the figure of a large 
 stone pillar terminating at the summit in a cone or pyramid^ 
 whereby is denoted Fire. 
 
 " Hark ! behold ! who can those ridiculous beings be, half 
 naked, with their faces painted, shouting and gesticulating to the 
 rabble ?" 
 
 Some few are mountebanks. .Others more particularly belong 
 to the race of philosophers. The greatest portion, however those 
 especially who belabor the populace with clubs are the principal
 
 464 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE. 
 
 courtiers of the palace, executing, as in duty bound, some lauda- 
 ble comicality of the king's. 
 
 " But what have we here ? Heavens ! the town is swarming 
 with wild beasts ! How terrible a spectacle ! how dangerous a 
 peculiarity !" 
 
 Terrible, if you please ; but not ia the least degree dangerous. 
 Each animal, if you will take the pains to observe, is following, 
 very quietly, in the wake of its master. Some few, to be sure, arc 
 led with a rope about the neck, but these are chiefly the lesser 
 or timid species. The lion, the tiger, and the leopard are entirelj 
 without restraint. They have been trained without difficulty to 
 their present profession, and attend upon their respective owners 
 in the capacity of valets-de-chambre. It is true, there are occa 
 sions when Nature asserts her violated dominion ; but then the 
 devouring of a man-at-arms, or the throttling of a consecrated 
 bull, is a circumstance of too little moment to be more than hint- 
 ed at in Epidaphne. 
 
 "But what extraordinary tumult do I hear? Surely this is a 
 loud noise even for Antioch ! It argues some commotion of un- 
 usual interest." 
 
 Yes undoubtedly. The king has ordered some novel specta 
 lie some gladiatorial exhibition at the Hippodrome or perhaps 
 the massacre of the Scythian prisoners or the conflagration of 
 his new palace or the tearing down of a handsome temple or, 
 indeed, a bonfire of a few Jews. The uproar increases. Shouts 
 of laughter ascend the skies. The air becomes dissonant with 
 wind instruments, and horrible with the clamor of a million throats. 
 Let us descend, for the love of fun, and see what is going on ! 
 This way be careful ! Here we are in the principal street, which 
 is called the street of Timarchus. The sea of people is coming 
 this way, and we shall find a difficulty in stemming the tide. They 
 are pouring through the alley of Heraclides, which leads directly 
 from the palace therefore the king is most probably among the 
 rioters. Yes I hear the shouts of the herald proclaiming his 
 approach in the pompous phraseology of the East. We shall 
 have a glimpse of his person as he passes by the temple of A?hi- 
 ncah. Let us ensconce ourselves in the vestibule of the sanctuary; 
 he will be here anon. In the meantime let us survey this image.
 
 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE. 465 
 
 What is it? Oh, it is the god Ashimah in pioper person. You 
 perceive, however, that he is neither a lamb, nor a goat, nor a 
 satyr ; neither has he much resemblance to the Pan of the Arca- 
 dians. Yet all these appearances have been given I beg par- 
 don will be given by the learned of future ages, to the Ashimah 
 of the Syrians. Put on your spectacles), and tell me what it is. 
 What is it ? 
 
 " Bless me ! it is an ape !" 
 
 True a baboon ; but by no means the less a deity. His name 
 B a derivation of the Greek Simia what great fools are antiqua- 
 rians ! But see ! see ! yonder scampers a ragged little urchin. 
 Where is he going ? What is he bawling about ? What does 
 he say ? Oh ! he says the king is coming in triumph ; that he is 
 dressed in state ; that he has just finished putting to death, with 
 his own hand, a thousand chained Israelitish prisoners ! For thia 
 exploit the ragamuffin is lauding him to the skies ! Hark ! here 
 comes a troop of a similar description. They have made a Latin 
 hvmn upon the valor of the king, and are singing it as they go : 
 
 Mille, mille, mille, 
 
 Mille, mille, mille, 
 
 Decollavimus, unus homo 1 
 
 Mille, mille, mille, mille, decollavimus I 
 
 Mille, mille, mille ! 
 
 Vivat qui mille mille occidit 1 
 
 Tantum vini habet nemo 
 
 Quantum sanguinis effudit 1* 
 
 Which may be thus paraphrased : 
 
 A thousand, a thousand, a thousand, 
 A thousand, a thousand, a thousand, 
 We, with one warrior, have slain ! 
 A thousand, a thousand, a thousand, a thousand. 
 Sing a thousand over again ! 
 Soho ! let us sing 
 Long life to our king, 
 Who knocked over a thousand so fine ! 
 
 * Flavius Vospicus says, that the hymn here introduced, was sung by 
 the rabLle upon the occasion of Aurelian, in the Sarmatic war, having slain 
 with his own hand, nine hundred and fifty of the enemy.
 
 406 FOUR BEASTS IN ONE. 
 
 Soho ! let us roar, 
 He has given us more 
 Red gallons of gore 
 Than all Syria can furnish of wine 1 
 
 "Do you hear that flourish of trumpets ?" 
 
 Yes the king is coming ! See ! the people are aghast with 
 admiration, and lift up their eyes to the heavens in reverence ! 
 He comes ! he is coming ! there he is ! 
 
 " Who ? where ? the king ? I do not behold him ; cannot 
 Bay that I perceive him." 
 
 Then you must be blind. 
 
 " Very possible. Still I see nothing but a tumultuous mob of 
 idiots and madmen, who are busy in prostrating themselves be- 
 fore a gigantic cameleopard, and endeavoring to obtain a kiss of 
 the animal's hoofs. See ! the beast has very justly kicked one of 
 the rabble over and another and another and another. In 
 deed, I cannot help admiring the animal for the excellent use ho 
 is making of his feet." 
 
 Rabble, indeed ! why these are the noble and free citizens of 
 Epidaphne ! Beast, did you say ? take care that you are not 
 overheard. Do you not perceive that the animal has the visage 
 of a man ? Why, my dear sir, that cameleopard is no other than 
 Antiochus Epiphanes Antiochus the Illustrious, King of Syria, 
 and the most potent of all the autocrats of the East ! It is true, 
 that he is entitled, at times, Antiochus Epimanes Antiochus the 
 madman but that is because all people have not the capacity to 
 appreciate his merits. It is also certain that he is at present en- 
 sconced in the hide of a beast, and is doing his best to play the 
 part of a cameleopard ; but this is done for the better sustaining 
 his dignity as king. Besides, the monarch is of gigantic stature, 
 and the dress is therefore neither unbecoming nor over large. We 
 may, however, presume he would not have adopted it but for 
 some occasion of especial state. Such, you will allow, is the mas- 
 sacre of a thousand Jews. With how superior a dignity the mon- 
 arch perambulates on all fours ! His tail, you perceive, is held 
 aloft by his two principal concubines, Elline and Argelais ; and his 
 whole appearance would be infinitely prepossessing, were it not 
 for the protruberance of his eyes, which will certainly start out of
 
 FOUll BEASTS IN ONE. 467 
 
 his head, and the queer color of his face, which has become non- 
 descript from the quantity of wine he has swallowed. Let us fol- 
 low him to the hippodrome, whither he is proceeding, and listen 
 to the song of triumph which he is commencing : 
 
 Who is king but Epiphanes ? 
 
 Say do you know ? 
 Who is king but Epiphanes ? 
 
 Bravo ! bravo ! 
 There is none but Epiphanes, 
 
 No there is none : 
 So tear down the temples, 
 
 And put out the sun ! 
 
 Well and strenuously sung ! The populace are hailing him 
 " Prince of Poets," as well as "Glory of the East," "Delight of the 
 Universe," and " most remarkable of Cameleopards." They have 
 encored his effusion, and do you hear? he is singing it over 
 again. When he arrives at the hippodrome, he will be crowned 
 with the poetic wreath, in anticipation of his victory at the 
 approaching Olympics. 
 
 " But, good Jupiter ! what is the matter in the crowd behind 
 us?" 
 
 Behind us, did you say ? oh ! ah ! I perceive. My friend, it 
 is well that you spoke in time. Let us get into a place of safety 
 as soon as possible. Here ! let us conceal ourselves in the arch 
 of this aqueduct, and I will inform you presently of the origin of 
 the commotion. It has turned out as I have been anticipating. 
 The singular appearance of the cameleopard with the head of a 
 man, has, it seems, given offence to the notions of propriety enter- 
 tained in general, by the wild animals domesticated in the city. 
 A mutiny has been the result ; and, as is usual upon such occa- 
 sions, all human efforts will be of no avail in quelling the mob. 
 Several of the Syrians have already been devoured ; but the gen- 
 eral voice of the four-footed patriots seems to be for eating up the 
 cameleopard. " The Prince of Poets," therefore, is upon his hinder 
 legs, running for his life. His courtiers have have left him in the 
 lurch, and his concubines have followed so excellent an exam- 
 ple. "Delight of the Universe," thou art in a sad predicament! 
 " Glory of the East," thou art in danger of mastication ! There-
 
 468 FOUR BEASTS IN ONR 
 
 fore never regard so piteously thy tail ; it will undoubtedly be 
 draggled in the mud, and for this there is no help. Look not 
 behind thee, then, at its unavoidable degradation ; but take 
 courage, ply thy legs with vigor, and scud for the hippodrome ' 
 Remember that thou art Antiochus Epiphanes. Antiochus the 
 Illustrious ! also "Prince of Poets," "Glory of the East," "De- 
 light of the Universe," and " most Remarkable of Cameleopards !" 
 Heavens! what a power of speed thou art displaying! What a 
 capacity for leg-bail thou art developing ! Run, Prince ! Bravo, 
 Epiphanes ! Well done, Cameleopard ! Glorious Antiochus! 
 He runs ! he leaps ! he flies ! Like an arrow from a catapult 
 he approaches the hippodrome ! He leaps ! he shrieks ! he is 
 there ! This is well ; for hadst thou, " Glory of the East," been 
 half a second longer in reaching the gates of the Amphitheatre, 
 there is not a bear's cub in Epidaphne that would not have had a 
 nibble at thy carcass. Let us be off let us-take our departure! 
 for we shaH find our delicate modern ears unable to endure the 
 vast uproar which is about to commence in celebration of the 
 king's escape ! Listen ! it has already commenced. See ! the 
 whole town is topsy-turvy. 
 
 " Surely this is the most populous city of the East ! What a 
 wilderness of people! what a jumble of all ranks and ages ! what 
 a multiplicity of sects and nations ! what a variety of costumes, 
 what a Babel of languages ! what a screaming of beasts ! what a 
 
 o o o 
 
 tinkling of instruments ! what a parcel of philosophers !" 
 
 Come let us be off! 
 
 " Stay a moment ! I see a vast hubbub in the hippodrome ? 
 what is the meaning of it I beseech you !" 
 
 " That ? oh nothing ! The noble and free citizens of Epi- 
 daphne being, as they declare, well satisfied of the faith, valor, 
 wisdom, and divinity of their king, and having, moreover, been 
 eye-witnesses of his, late superhuman agility, do think it no more 
 than their duty to invest his brows (in addition to the poetic 
 crown) with the wreath of victory in the foot-race a wreath which 
 it is evident he must obtain at the celebration of the next Olym- 
 piad, and which, therefore, they now give him in advance
 
 WHY THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN 
 
 WEARS HIS HAND IN A SLING. 
 
 IT'S on my wisiting cards sure enough (and it's them that's all 
 o' pink satin paper) that inny gintleman that plases may behould 
 the intheristhin words, " Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, 39 
 Southampton Row, Russell Square, Parrish o' Bloomsbury." And 
 shud ye be wantin to diskiver who is the pink of purliteness quite, 
 and the laider of the hot tun in the houl city o' Lonon why it's 
 jist mesilf. And fait that same is no wonder at all at all, (so be 
 plased to stop curlin your nose,) for every inch o' the six wakes 
 that I've been a gintleman, and left aff wid the bog-throthing to 
 take up wid the Barronissy, i'ts Pathrick that's been living like a 
 houly imperor, and gitting the iddication and the graces. Och ! 
 and would'nt it be a blessed thing for your sperrits if ye cud lay 
 your two peepers jist, upon Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, 
 when he is all riddy drissed for the hopperer, or stipping into the 
 Brisky for the drive into the Hyde Park. But it's the iligant big 
 figgur that I ave, for the rason o' which all the ladies fall in love 
 wid me. Isn't it my own swate silf row that'll missure the six 
 fut, and the three inches more nor that, in me stockings, and that 
 am excadingly will proportioned all over to match? And is it 
 ralelly more than the three fut and a bit that there is, inny how, 
 of the little oulcl furrener Frinchman that lives jist over the way, 
 and that's a oggling and a goggling the houl day, (and bad luck 
 to him,) at the purty widdy Misthress Trade that's my own nixt 
 dcor neighbor, (God bliss her) and a most particuller frind and
 
 470 WHY THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN 
 
 acquaintance? You percave the little spalpeen is summatdown 
 in the mouth, and wears his lift hand in a sling ; and it's for that 
 same thing, by yur lave, that I'm going to give you the good 
 rason. 
 
 The truth of the houl matter is jist simple enough ; for the 
 very first day that I com'd from Connaught, and showd my swate 
 little silf in the strait to the widdy, who was looking through the 
 windy, it was a gone case althegither wid the heart o' the purty 
 Misthress Trade. I percaved it, ye see, all at once, and no mis- 
 take, and that's God's thruth. First of all it was up wid the windy 
 in a jiffy, and thin she threw open her two peepers to the itmost, 
 and thin it was a little gould spy-glass iht she clapped tight to 
 one o' them, and divil may burn me if it did'nt spake to me as 
 plain as a peeper cud spake, and says it, through the spy-glass, 
 " Och ! the tip o' the mornin to ye, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Bar- 
 ronitt, mavourneen; and it's a nate gintleman that ye are, sure 
 enough, and it's mesilf and me forten jist that'll be at yur sarvice, 
 dear, inny time o' day at all at all for the asking." And it's not 
 mesilf ye wud have to be bate in the purliteness ; so I made her a 
 bow that wud ha broken yur heart althegither to behould, and thin 
 I pulled aff me hat with a flourish, and thin I winked at her hard 
 wid both eyes, as much as to say, " Thrue for you, yer a swate lit- 
 tle crature, Mrs. Trade, me darlint, and I wish I may be drownthed 
 dead in a bog, if it's not mesilf, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, Barronitt, 
 that'll make a houl bushel o' love to yur leddy-ship, in the twink- 
 ling o' the eye of a Londonderry purraty." 
 
 And it was the nixt mornin, sure, jist as I was making up me 
 mind whither it wouldn't be the purlite thing to sind a bit o' 
 writin to the \viddy by way of a love-litter, when up cuir'd the 
 delivery sarvant wid an illigant card, and he tould me that the 
 name on it (for I niver cud rade the copper-plate printin on account 
 of being lift handed) was all about Mounseer, the Count, A Goose, 
 Look-aisy, Maiter-di-dauns, and that the houl of the divilish liogo 
 was the spalpeeny long name of the little ould furrener Frinchman 
 as lived over the way. 
 
 And jist wid that in cum'd the little willian himself, and thin he 
 made me a broth of a bow, and thin he said he had ounly taken 
 the liberty of doing me the honor of the giving me a call, and thin
 
 WEARS HIS HAND IN A SLING. 471 
 
 ho went on to palaver at a great rate, and divil the bit did I com- 
 prehiud what he wud be afther the tilling me at all at all, excipt- 
 ing and saving that he said " pully wou, woolly wou," and tould 
 me, among a bushel o' lies, bad luck to him, that he was mad for 
 the love o' my widdy Misthress Trade, and that my widely Mrs. 
 Trade had a puncheon for him. 
 
 At the hearin of this, ye may swear, though, 1 was as mad as a 
 grasshopper, but I remimbered that I was Sir Pathrick O'Graudi- 
 son, Barronitt, and that it wasn't althegither gentaal to lit the 
 anger git the upper hand o' the purliteness, so I made light o' the 
 matter and kipt dark, and got quite sociable wid the little chap, 
 and afther a while what did he do but ask me to go wid hirn to the 
 widdy's, saying he wud give me the feshionable introduction to 
 her leddyship. 
 
 " Is it there ye are ?" said I thin to mesilf, " and it's thrue for 
 you, Pathrick, that ye're the fortuunittest mortal in life. We'll 
 soon see now whither its your swate silf, or whither its little Moun- 
 seer Maiter-di-dauns, that Misthress Trade is head and ears in the 
 love wid." 
 
 Wid that we wint aff to the widdy's, next door, and ye may 
 well say it was an illigant place ; so it was. There was a carpet 
 all over the floor, and in one corner there was a forty-pinny and a 
 jews-harp and the divil knows what ilse, and in another corner 
 wis a sofy, the beautifullest thing in all natur, and sitting on the 
 sofy, sure enough, there was the swate little angel, Misthress 
 Trade. 
 
 " The tip o' the morning to ye," says I, " Mrs. Trade," and thin 
 I made sich an iligant obaysance that it wud ha quite althegither 
 bewildered the brain o' ye. 
 
 "Wully woo, pully woo, plump in the mud," says the little 
 furrenner Frinchman, " and sure Mrs. Trade," says he, that he did, 
 " isn't this gin^leman here jist his reverence Sir Pathrick O'Grandi- 
 son, Barronitt, and isn't he althegither and entirely the- most pur 
 ticular frind and acquintance that I have in the houl world?" 
 
 And wid that the widdy, she gits up from the sofy, and makes 
 the swatest curtchy nor iver was seen; and thin down she sits 
 like an angel ; and thin, by the powers, it was that little spalpeen 
 Mounseer Maiter-di-dauus that plumped his silf right down by the
 
 4:72 WHY THE LITTLE .FRENCHMAN 
 
 right side of her, Och hon ! I ixpicted the two eyes o' me wad 
 ha cunrd out of my head on the spot, ! was so dispirate mad ! 
 Howiver, " ] >ait who !" says I, after a while. " Is ii there ye are, 
 Moimseer Maiter-di-dauns ?" and so down I plumped on the lift 
 side of her leddyship, to be aven wid the willain. Botheration ! it 
 wud ha done your heart good to percave the illigant double wink 
 that I gived her jist thin right in the face wid both eyes. 
 
 But the little ould Frinchman he niver beginned to suspict mo 
 at all at all, and disperate hard it was he made the love to hei 
 leddyship. " Woully wou," says he, " Pully wou," says he, 
 " Plump in the mud," says he. 
 
 " That's all to no use, Mounseer Frog, mavourneen," thinks I ; 
 and I talked as hard and as fast as I could all the while, and throth 
 it was mesilf jist that divarted her leddyship complately and in- 
 tirely, by rasou of the illigant conversation that I kipt up wid her 
 all about the dear bogs of Connaught. And by and by she gived 
 me such a swate smile, from one ind of her mouth to the ither, 
 that it made me as bould as a pig, and I jist took houlcl of the ind 
 of her little finger in the most dillikittest manner in natur, looking 
 at her all the while out o' the whites of my eyes. 
 
 And then ounly percave the cuteness of the swate angel, for no 
 sooner did she obsarve that I was afther the squazing of her flipper, 
 than she up wid it in a jiffy, and put it away behind her back, jist 
 as much as to say, " Now thin, Sir Pathrick O'Grandison, there's 
 a bitther chance for ye, mavourneen, for its not altogether the gen- 
 taal thing to be afther the squazing of my flipper right full in the 
 sight of that little furrenner Frinchman, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns." 
 
 Wid that I giv'd her a big wink jist to say, "lit Sir Pathrick 
 alone for the likes o' them thricks," and thin I wint aisy to work, 
 and you'd have died wid the divarsion to behould how cliverly I 
 slipped my right arm betwane the back o' the sofy, and the back 
 of her leddyship, and there, sure enough, I found a swate little 
 flipper all a waiting to say, " the tip o' the mornin to ye, Sir Path- 
 rick O'Grandison, Barronitt." And wasn't it mesilf, sure, that jist 
 giv'd it the laste little bit of a squaze in the world, all in the way 
 of a commincement, and not to be too rough wid her leddyship ? 
 and och, botheration, wasn't it the gentaalest and dilikittest of all 
 the little squazes tint I got in return ? "Blood and thunder, Sir
 
 WEARS HIS HAND IN A SLING. 473 
 
 Pathrick, mavoureen," thinks I to myself, " fait it's jist the moth- 
 er's son of you, and nobody else at all at all, that's the handsomest 
 and the fortunittest young bogthrotter that ever cum'd out of 
 Connaught !" And wid that I giv'd the flipper a big squaze, and 
 a big squaze it was, by the powers, that her leddyship giv'd to me 
 back. But it would ha split the seven sides of you wid the laffin 
 to behould, jist then all at once,-the censated behavior of Moun- 
 seer Maiter-di-dauns. The likes o' sich a jabbering, and a smirk- 
 ing, and a parly -wouing as he begin'd wid her leddyship, niver 
 was known before upon arth ; and divil may burn me if it wasn't 
 me own very two peepers that cotch'd him tipping her the wink 
 out of one eye. Och hon ? if it wasn't mesilf thin that was mad 
 as a Kilkenny cat I shud like to be tould who it was ! 
 
 " Let me infarni you, Mounseer Maiter-di-dauns," said I, as pur- 
 lite as iver ye seed, " that it's not the gintaal thing at all at all, 
 and not for the likes o' you inny how, to be afther the oggling 
 and a goggling at her leddyship in that fashion," and jist wid that 
 such another squaze as it was I giv'd her flipper, all as much as to 
 say, " isn't it Sir Pathrick now, my jewel, that'll be able to the 
 protecting o' you, my darlint?" and then there cum'd another 
 squaze back, all by way of the answer. " Thrue for you, Sir Path- 
 rick," it said as plain as iver a squaze said in the world, " Thrue 
 for you, Sir Pathrick, mavourneen, and it's a proper nate gintle- 
 man ye are that God's truth," and wid that she opened her two 
 beautiful peepers till I belaved they wud ha com'd out of her hid 
 althegither and intirely, and she looked first as mad as a cat at 
 Mounseer Frog, and thin as smiling as all out o' doors at mesilf. 
 
 " Thin," says he- ^he willian, " Och hon ! and a wolly-wou, 
 pully-wou," and then wid that he shoved up his two shoulders till 
 the divil the bit of his hid was to be diskivered, and then he let 
 down the two corners of his purraty-trap, and thin not a haporth 
 more of the satisfaction could I git out o' the spalpeen. 
 
 Belave me, my jeAvel, it was Sir Pathrick that was unrasonable 
 mad thin, and the more by token that the Frinchman kept an wid 
 his winking at the widdy ; and the widdy she kipt an wid the 
 squazing of my flipper, as much as to say, "At him again Sir 
 Pathrick O'Grandison, mavourneen ;" to I just ripped out wid a 
 big oath, and says I,
 
 474 THE LITTLE FRENCHMAN. 
 
 " Ye little spalpeeny frog of a bog-throtting son of a bloody 
 noun !" and jist thin what d'ye think it was that her le Jdyship 
 did ? Troth she jumped up from the sofy as if she was bit, and 
 made off through the door, while I turned my head round afther 
 her, in a complete bewilderment and botheration, and followed her 
 wid me two peepers. You percave I had a reason of my own for 
 knowing that she could'nt git down the stares althegither and en- 
 tirely ; for I knew very well that I had hould of her hand, for divil 
 the bit had I iver lit it go. And says I, 
 
 " Isn't it the laste little bit of a mistake in the world that ye've 
 been afther the making, yer leddyship ? Come back now, that's a 
 darlint, and I'll give ye yur flipper.'' But aff she wint down the 
 stairs like a shot, and then I turned round to the little Frinch 
 furrenner. Och lion ! if it wasn't his spalpeeny little paw that I 
 bad hould of in my own why thin thin it was'nt that's all. 
 
 " And maybe it wasn't mesilf that jist died then outright wid 
 the laffin, to behould the little chap when he found out that it 
 wasn't the widdy at all at all that he had hould of all the time, but 
 only Sir Pathrick O'Grandison. The ould divil himself niver be- 
 hild sich a long face as he pet an ! As for Sir Pathrick O'Grandi- 
 Eon, Barronitt, it wasn't for the likes of his riverence to be afther 
 the minding of a thrifle of a mistake. Ye may jist say, though 
 (for it's God's 'thruth) that afore I lift hould of the flipper of the 
 Bpalpeen, (which was not till a*fther her leddyship's futmen had 
 kicked us both down the stairs,) I gived it such a nate little broth 
 of a squaze, as made it all up into raspberry jam, 
 
 " Wouly-wou," says he, " pully-wou," says he Cot tarn !" 
 
 And that's jist the thruth of the rason why he wears his left 
 hand in a sling.
 
 BON-BON. 
 
 Quand un bon vin meuble mon estomac, 
 
 Je suis plus savant que Balzac 
 
 Plus sage que Pibrac ; 
 
 Mon bras seul faisant 1'attaque 
 
 De la nation Cossaque, 
 
 La mettroit au sac; 
 
 De Charon Je passerois le lac 
 
 En dormant dans son bac ; 
 
 J'irois au fier Eac, 
 
 Sans one mon cceur fit tic ni tac, 
 
 Presenter du tabac. 
 
 French Vaudeville. 
 
 THAT Pierre Bon-Bon was a restaurateur of uncommon quali- 
 fications, no man who, during the reign of , frequented the 
 
 little Cafe in the cul-de-sac Le Febvre at Rouen, will, I imagine, 
 feel himself at liberty to dispute. That Pierre Bon-Bon was, in 
 an equal degree, skilled in the philosophy of that period is, I pre- 
 sume, still more especially undeniable. His pates a la /ozs ( were 
 beyond doubt immaculate ; but what pen can do justice to his 
 essays sur la Nature his thoughts sur VAme his observations 
 sur F Esprit ? If his omelettes if his fricandeaux were inestima- 
 ble, what litterateur of that day would not have given twice as 
 much for an Idee de Bon-Bon" as for all the trash of all the 
 */c?ees" of all the rest of the savants? Bon-Bon had ransacked 
 libraries which no other man had ransacked had read more than 
 any other would have entertained a notion of reading had under- 
 stood more than any other would have conceived the possibility 
 of understanding; and although, while he flourished, there wera
 
 476 BON-BON. 
 
 not wanting some authors at Rouen to assert " that his dicla 
 evinced neither the purity of the Academy, nor the depth of the 
 Lyceum" although, mark me, his doctrines /vere by no means 
 very generally comprehended, still it did not follow that they were 
 difficult of comprehension. It was, I think, on account of their 
 self-evidency that many persons were led to consider them ab- 
 struse. It is to Bon-Bon but let this go no farther it is to 
 Bon-Bon that Kant himself is mainly indebted for his metaphysics. 
 The former was indeed not a Platonist, nor strictly speaking an 
 Aristotelian nor did he, like the modern Leibnitz, waste those 
 precious hours which might be employed in the invention of a 
 fricasee, or, facili gradu, the analysis of a sensation, in frivolous 
 attempts at reconciling the obstinate oils and waters of ethical dis- 
 cussion. Not at all. Bon-Bon was Ionic Bon-Bon was equally 
 Italic. He reasoned a priori He reasoned also a posteriori, 
 His ideas were innate or otherwise. He believed in George of 
 Trebizond He believed in Bossarion. Bon-Bon was emphati- 
 cally a Bon-Bonist. 
 
 I have spoken of the philosopher in his capacity of restaura- 
 teur. I would not, however, have any friend of mine imagine 
 that, in fulfilling his hereditary duties in that line, o ur hero wanted 
 a proper estimation of their dignity and importance. Far from it, 
 It was impossible to say in which branch of his profession he took 
 the greater pride. In his opinion the powers of the intellect held 
 intimate connection with the capabilities of the stomach. I am 
 not sure, indeed, that he greatly disagreed with the. Chinese, who 
 hold that the soul lies in the abdomen. The Greeks at all events 
 were right, he thought, who employed the same word for the mind 
 and the diaphragm.* By this I do not mean to insinuate a charge 
 of gluttony, or indeed any other serious charge to the prejudice 
 of the metaphysician. If Pierre Bon-Bon had his failings and 
 what great man has not a thousand ? if Pierre Bon-Bon, 1 say, 
 had his failings, they were failings of very little importance faults 
 indeed which, in other tempers, have often been looked upon rather 
 in the light of virtues. As regards one of these foiUes, I should 
 not even have mentioned it in this history but for the remarkable 
 
 * 0PVS.
 
 BON-BON. 477 
 
 prominency the extreme alto relievo in which it jutted out from 
 the plane of his general disposition. lie could never lot slip an 
 opportunity of making a bargain. 
 
 Not that he was avaricious no. It was by no means neces- 
 sary to the satisfaction of the philosopher, that the bargain should 
 be to his own proper advantage. Provided a trade could be 
 effected a trade of any kind, upon any terms, or under any cir- 
 cumstances a triumphant smile was seen for many days there- 
 after to enlighten his countenance, and a knowing wink of the eye 
 to give evidence of his sagacity. 
 
 At any epoch it would not be very wonderful if a humor so 
 peculiar as the one I have just mentioned, should elicit attention 
 and remark. At the epoch of our narrative, had this peculiarity 
 not attracted observation, there would have been room for wonder 
 indeed. It was soon reported that, upon all occasions of the kind, 
 the smile of Bon-Bon was wont to differ widely from the down- 
 right grin with which he would laugh at his own jokes, or wel 
 come an acquaintance. Hints were thrown out of an exciting 
 nature ; stories were told of perilous bargains made in a hurry 
 and repented of at leisure ; and instances were adduced of unac- 
 countable capacities, vague longings, and unnatural inclinations 
 implanted by the author of all evil for wise purposes of his own. 
 
 The philosopher had other weaknesses but they are scarcely 
 worthy our serious examination. For example, there are few men 
 of extraordinary profundity who are found wanting in an inclina- 
 tion for the bottle. Whether this inclination be an exciting cause, 
 or rather a valid proof, of such profundity, it is a nice thing to say 
 Bon-Bon, as far as I can learn, did not think the subject adapted 
 to minute investigation ; nor do I. Yet in the indulgence of a 
 propensity so truly classical, it is not to be supposed that the 
 restaurateur would lose sight of that intuitive discrimination 
 which was wont to characterize, at one and the same time, his 
 essais and his omelettes. In his seclusions the Vin de Bourgogne 
 had its allotted hour, and there were appropriate moments for the 
 Cotes du Rhone. With him Sauterne was to Medoc what Catul- 
 lus was to Homer. He would sport with a syllogism in sipping 
 St. Peray, but unravel an argument over Clos de Vougeot, and 
 upset a theory in a torrent of Chambertin. Well had it been if
 
 478 BON-BON 
 
 the same quick sense of propriety had attended him in the ped- 
 dling propensity to which I have formerly alluded but this was 
 by no means the case. Indeed, to say the truth, that trait of mind 
 in the philosophic Bon-Bon did begin at length to assume a char- 
 acter of strange intensity and mysticism, and appeared deeply 
 tinctured with the diablerie of his favorite German studies. 
 
 To enter the little Cafe in the Cul-de-Sac Le Febre was, at the 
 period of cir tale, to enter the sanctum of a man of genius. Bon- 
 Bon was a man of genius. There was not a sous-cuisinier in 
 Rouen, who could not have told you that Bon-Bon was a man of 
 genius. His very cat knew it, and forebore to whisk her tail in 
 the presence of the man of genius. His large water-dog was ac- 
 quainted with the fact, and upon the approach of his master, 
 betrayed his sense of inferiority by a sanctity of deportment, a de- 
 basement of the ears, and a dropping of the lower jaw not altoge- 
 ther unworthy of a dog. It is, however, true that much of this 
 habitual respect might have been attributed to the personal ap- 
 pearance of the metaphysician. A distinguished exterior will, I 
 am constrained to say, have its weight even with a beast; and I 
 am willing to allow much in the outward man of the restaurateur 
 calculated to impress the imagination of the quadruped. There is 
 a peculiar majesty about the atmosphere of the little great if I 
 may be permitted so equivocal an expression which mere physi- 
 cal bulk alone will be found at all times inefficient in creating. If, 
 however, Bon-Bon was barely three feet in height, and if his head 
 was diminutively small, still it was impossible to behold the rotun- 
 dity of his stomach without a sense of magnificence nearly border- 
 ing upon the sublime. In its size both dogs and men must havo 
 seen a type of his acquirements in its immensity a fitting habi- 
 tation for his immortal soul. 
 
 I might here if it so pleased me dilate upon the matter of 
 habiliment, and other mere circumstances of the external meta- 
 physician. 1 might hint that the hair of our hero was worn short, 
 combed smoothly over his forehead, and surmounted ~by a conical 
 shaped white flannel cap and tassels that his pea-green jerkin 
 was not after the fashion of those worn by the common class of 
 restaur iteurs at that day that the sleeves were something fuller 
 tnan the reigning costume permitted that the cuffs were turned
 
 BON-BON. 479 
 
 up, not as usual in that barbarous period, with cloth of the same 
 quality and color as the garment, but faced in a more fanciful 
 manner with the particolored velvet of Genoa that his slippers 
 were of a bright purple, curiously filagreed, and might have been 
 manufactured in Japan, but for the exquisite pointing of the toes, 
 and the brilliant tints of the binding and embroidery that his 
 breeches were of the yellow satin-like material called aimable 
 that his sky-blue cloak, resembling in form a dressing-wrapper, 
 and richly bestudded all over with crimson devices, floated cava- 
 lierly upon his shoulders like a mist of the morning and that his 
 tout ensemble gave rise to the remarkable words of Benevenuta, 
 the Improvisatrice of Florence, " that it was difficult to say whe- 
 ther Pierre Bon-Bon was indeed a bird of Paradise, or the rather 
 a very Paradise of perfection." I might, I say, expatiate upon all 
 these points if I pleased ; but I forbear : merely personal details 
 may be left to historical novelists ; they are beneath the moral 
 dignity of matter-of-fact. 
 
 I have said that " to enter the Cafe in the Cul-de-Sac Le 
 Febvre was to enter the sanctum of a man of genius" but then 
 it was only the man of genius who could duly estimate the merits 
 of the sanctum. A sign, consisting of a vast folio, swung before 
 the entrance. On one side of the volume was painted a bottle; on 
 the reverse a pate. On the back were visible, in large letters 
 (Euvres de Bon-Bon. Thus was delicately shadowed forth the 
 two-fold occupation of the proprietor. 
 
 Upon stepping over the threshold, the whole interior of the 
 building presented itself to view. A long, low-pitched room, of 
 antique construction, was indeed alt the accommodation afforded 
 by the Cafe. In a corner of the apartment stood the bed of the 
 metaphysician. An array of curtains, together with a canopy 
 a la Gregue, gave it an air at once classic and comfortable. In 
 the corner diagonally opposite, appeared, in direct family com- 
 munion, the properties of the kitchen and the bibliotkeque. A 
 dish of polemics stood peacefully upon the dresser. Here lay an 
 oven-full of the latest ethics there a kettle of duodecimo melanges, 
 Volumes of German morality were hand and glove with the grid- 
 iron- -a toasting fork might be discovered by the side of Euse-
 
 480 BON-BON. 
 
 bius Plato reclined at his ease in t,ie frying pan and coiitom 
 poraiy manuscripts were filed away upon the spit. 
 
 In other respects the Cafe de Bon-Bon might be said to differ 
 little from the usual restaurants of the period. A large fire-plaeo 
 yawned opposite the door. On the right of the fire-place an open 
 cupboard displayed a formidable array of labelled bottles. 
 
 It was here, about twelve o'clock one night, during the severe 
 
 winter of , that Pierre Bon-Bon, after having listened for 
 
 some time to the comments of his neighbors iipon his singular 
 propensity that Pierre Bon-Bon, I say, having turned them all 
 out of his house, locked the door upon them with an oath, and 
 betook himself in no very pacific mood to the comforts of a leather- 
 bottomed arm-chair, and a fire of blazing faggots. 
 
 It was one of those terrific nights which are only met with once 
 or twice during a century. It snowed fiercely, and the house 
 tottered to its centre with the floods of wind that, rushing through 
 the crannies of the wall, and pouring impetuously down the chim- 
 ney, shook awfully the curtains of the philosopher's bed, and dis- 
 organized the economy of his patepans and papers. The huge 
 folio sign that swung without, exposed to the fury of the tempest, 
 creaked ominously, and gave out a moaning sound from its stan- 
 chions of solid oak. 
 
 It was in no placid temper, I say, that the metaphysician drew 
 up his chair to its customary station by the hearth. Many circum- 
 stances of a perplexing nature had occurred during the day, to 
 disturb the serenity of his meditations. In attempting des cevfs 
 a la Princesse, he had unfortunately perpetrated an omelete a la 
 .Reine ; the discovery of a principle in ethics had been frustrated! 
 by the overturning of a stew ; and last, not least, he had been 
 thwarted in one of those admirable bargains which he at all times 
 took such especial delight in bringing to a successful termination. 
 But in the chafing of his mind at these unaccountable vicissitudes, 
 there did not fail to be mingled some degree of that nervous anxiety 
 which the fury of a boisterous night is so well calculated to pro- 
 duce. Whistling to his more immediate vicinity the large black 
 water-dog we have spoken (if before, and settling himself uneasily 
 in his chair, he could not help casting a wary and unquiet eye
 
 BON-BON. 481 
 
 towards those distant recesses of the apartment whose inexorable 
 shadows not even the red fire-light itself could more than partially 
 succeed in overcoming. Having completed a scrutiny whose exact 
 purpose was perhaps unintelligible to himself, he drew close to 
 his seat a small table covered with books and papers, and soon 
 became absorbed in the task of re-touching a voluminous manu- 
 script, intended for publication on the morrow. 
 
 He had been thus occupied for some minutes, when " I am in 
 no hurry, Monsieur Bon-Bon," suddenly whispered a whining voice 
 in the apartment. 
 
 " The devil !" ejaculated our hero, starting to his feet, overturn- 
 ing the table ut his side, and staring around him in astonishment. 
 
 " Very true, ' calmly replied the voice. 
 
 " Very true ! what is very true ? how came you here ?" vo- 
 ciferated the metaphysician, as his eye fell upon something which 
 lay stretched at full-length upon the bed. 
 
 " I was saying," said the intruder, without attending to the in- 
 terrogatories, " I was saying, that I am not at all pushed for time 
 that the business upon which I took the liberty of calling, is of 
 BO pressing importance in short, that I can very well wait until 
 you have finished your Exposition." 
 
 " My Exposition ! there now ! how do you know ? how 
 came you to understand that I was writing an Exposition good 
 God !" 
 
 " Hush !" replied the figure, in a shrill under tone ; and. arising 
 quickly from the bed, he made a single step towards our hero, 
 while an iron lamp that depended overhead swung convulsively 
 baf.k from his approach. 
 
 The philosopher's amazement did not prevent a narrow scrutiny 
 of the stranger's dress and appearance. The outlines of his figure, 
 exceedingly lean, but much above the common height, were ren- 
 dered minutely distinct by means of a faded suit of black cloth 
 which fitted tight to the skin, but was otherwise cut very much 
 in the style of a century ago. These garments had evidently been 
 Intended for a much shorter person than their present owner. His 
 ankles and wrists were left naked for several inches. In his shoes, 
 however, a pair of very brilliant buckles gave the lie to the extreme 
 poverty implied by the other portions of his dress. His head was
 
 482 BON-BON. 
 
 bare, and entirely bald, with the exception of the hinder-part, 
 from which depended a queue of considerable length. A pair of 
 green spectacles, with side glasses, protected his eyes from the 
 influence of the light, and at the same time prevented our hero 
 from ascertaining either their color or their conformation. About 
 the entire person there was no evidence of a shirt ; but a white 
 cravat, of filthy appearance, was tied with extreme precision around 
 the throat, and the ends, hanging down formally side by side, 
 gave (although I dare say unintentionally) the idea of an eccle- 
 siastic. Indeed, many other points both in his appearance ana 
 demeanor might have very well sustained a conception of that 
 nature. Over his left ear, he carried, after the fashion of a modern 
 clerk, an instrument resembling the stylus of the ancients. In a 
 breast-pocket of his coat appeared conspicuously a small black 
 volume fastened with clasps of steel. This book, whether acciden- 
 tally or not, was so turned outwardly from the person as to discover 
 the words " Rituel Catholique" in white letters upon the back. 
 His entire physiognomy was interestingly saturnine even cadaver- 
 ously pale. The forehead was lofty, and deeply furrowed with the 
 ridges of contemplation. The corners of the mouth were drawn 
 down into an expression of the most submissive humility. There 
 was also a clasping of the hands, as he stepped towards our hero 
 a deep sigh and altogether a look of such utter sanctity as could 
 not have failed to be unequivocally prepossessing. Every shadow 
 of anger faded from the countenance of the metaphysician, as, 
 having completed a satisfactory survey of his visiter's person, he 
 shook him cordially by the hand, and conducted him to a seat. 
 
 There would however be a radical error in attributing this in- 
 stantaneous transition of feeling in the philosopher, to any one 
 of those causes which might naturally be supposed to have had 
 an influence. Indeed, Pierre Bon-Bon, from what I have been 
 able to understand of his disposition, was of all men the least likely 
 to be imposed upon by any speciousness of exterior deportment. 
 It was impossible that so accurate an observer of men and things 
 should have failed to discover, upon the moment, the real character 
 of the personage who had thus intruded upon his hospitality. To 
 say no more, the conformation of his visiter's feet was sufficiently 
 remarkable he maintained lightly upon his head an inordinately
 
 BON-BON. 483 
 
 tall hat there was a tremulous swelling about the hinder part 
 of his breeches and the vibration of his coat tail was a palpable 
 fact. Judge, then, with what feelings of satisfaction our hero found 
 himself thrown thus at once into the society of a person for whom 
 he had at all times entertained the most unqualified respect. He 
 was, however, too much of the diplomatist to let escape him any 
 intimation of his suspicions in regard to the true state of affairs. 
 It was not his cue to appear at all conscious of the high honov 
 he thus unexpectedly enjoyed ; but, by leading his guest into con- 
 versation, to elicit some important ethical ideas, which might, in 
 obtaining a place in his contemplated publication, enlighten tho 
 human race, and at the same time immortalize himself ideas 
 which, I should have added, his visiter's great age, and well-known 
 oroficiency in the science of morals, might very well have enabled 
 aim to afford. 
 
 Actuated by these enlightened views, our hero bade the gentle- 
 man sit down, while he himself took occasion to throw some fag- 
 gots upon the fire, and place upon the now re-established table 
 some bottles of Mousseux. Having quickly completed these ope- 
 rations, he drew his chair vis-a-vis to his companion's, and waited 
 until the latter should open the conversation. But, plans even tho 
 most skilfully matured, are often thwarted in the outset of their 
 application and the restaurateur found himself nonplussed by the 
 very first words of his visiter's speech. 
 
 " I see you know me, Bon-Bon," said he : " ha ! ha ! ha ! 
 he ! he ! he ! hi ! hi ! hi ! ho ! ho ! ho V hu ! hu! hu!" and the 
 devil, dropping at once the sanctity of his demeanor, opened to 
 its fullest extent a mouth from ear to ear, so as to display a set of 
 jagged and fang-like teeth, and throwing back his head, laughed 
 long, loudly, wickedly, and uproariously, while the black dog, 
 crouching down upon his haunches, joined lustily in the chorus, 
 and the tabby cat, flying off at a tangent, stood up on end, and 
 shrieked in the farthest corner of the apartment. 
 
 Not so the philosopher : he was too much a man of the world 
 either to laugh like the dog, or by shrieks to betray the indecorous 
 trepidation of the cat. It must be confessed, he felt a little aston- 
 ishment to see the white letters which formed the words " Rituei 
 Catholique" on the book in his guest's pocket, momently chang-
 
 484 BON-BON. 
 
 ing both their color and their import, and in a few seconds, in 
 place of the original title, the words " Reyitre des Condamnes 1 ' 
 blaze forth in characters of red. This startling circumstance, when 
 Bon-Bon replied to his visitor's remark, imparted to his manner 
 au air of embarrassment which probably might not otherwise 
 have been observed. 
 
 " Why, sir," said the philosopher, " why, sir, to speak sincere- 
 ly I belbve you are upon my word the d dest that is 
 
 to say, I think I imagine I have some faint some very faint 
 idea of the remarkable honor " 
 
 " Oh ! ah ! yes ! very well !" interrupted his Majesty ; "say 
 no more I see how it is." And hereupon, taking oft' his green 
 spectacles, he wiped the glasses carefully with the sleeve of his 
 coat, and deposited them in his pocket. 
 
 If Bon-Bon had been astonished at the incident of the book, 
 his amazement was now much increased by the spectacle which 
 here presented itself to view. In raising his eyes, with a strong 
 feeling of curiosity to ascertain the color of his guest's, he found 
 them by no means black, as lie had anticipated nor gray, as 
 might have been imagined nor yet hazel nor blue nor indeed 
 yellow nor red nor purple nor white nor green nor any other 
 color in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the wa- 
 ters under the earth. In short, Pierre Bon-Bon not only saw 
 plainly that his Majesty had no eyes whatsoever, but could dis- 
 cover no indications of their having existed at any previous pe- 
 riod for the space where eyes should naturally have been, was, 
 I am constrained to say, simply a dead level of flesh. 
 
 It was not in the nature of the metaphysician to forbear ma- 
 king some inquiry into the sources of so strange a phenomenon ; 
 and the reply of his Majesty was at once prompt, dignified, and 
 satisfactory. 
 
 " Eyes ! my dear Bon-Bon eyes ! did you say ? oh ! ah ! 
 I perceive ! The ridiculous prints, eh, which are in circulation, 
 have given you a false idea of my personal appearance ? Eyes I- 
 true, Eyes, Pierre Bon-Bon, are very well in their proper place 
 that, you would say, is the head? right the head of a worm. 
 To you likewise these optics are indispensable yet I will con- 
 vince you thai my vision is more penetrating than your own
 
 BON-BON 485 
 
 Iliore is a cat I see in the corner a pretty cat look at her 
 observe her well. Now, Bon-Bon, do you behold the thoughts 
 the thoughts, I say the ideas the reflections which are being 
 engendered in her pericranium ? There it is, now you do not ! 
 She is thinking we admire the length of her tail and the profun- 
 dity of her mind. She has just concluded that I am the most dis- 
 tinguished of ecclesiastics, and that you are the most superficial 
 of metaphysicians. Thus you see I am not altogether blind ; but 
 to one of my profession, the eyes you speak of would be merely 
 an incumbrance, liable at any time to be put out by a toasting 
 iron or a pitchfork. To you, I allow, these optical affairs are in- 
 dispensable. Endeavor, Bon-Bon, to use them well ; my vision 
 is the soul." 
 
 Hereupon the guest helped himself to the wine upon the table, 
 and pouring out a bumper for Bon-Bon, requested him to drink it 
 without scruple, and make himself perfectly at home. 
 
 " A clever book that of yours, Pierre," resumed his Majesty, 
 tapping our friend knowingly upon the shoulder, as the latter put 
 down his glass after a thorough compliance with his visiter's in- 
 junction. " A clever book that of yours, upon my honor. It's 
 a work after my own heart. Your arrangement of the matter, 
 I think, however, might be improved, and many of your notions 
 remind me of Aristotle. That philosopher was one of my most 
 intimate acquaintances. I liked him as much for his terrible ill 
 temper, as for his happy knack at making a blunder. There is 
 only one solid truth in all that he has written, nncl for that I gave 
 him the hint out of pure compassion foi his absurdity. I sup 
 pose, Pierre Bon-Bon, you very well -know to what divine moral 
 truth I am alluding ?" 
 
 " Cannot say that I " 
 
 " Indeed ! why it was I who told Aristotle, that, by sneezing, 
 men expelled superfluous ideas through the proboscis." 
 
 " Which is hiccup ! undoubtedly the case," said the meta- 
 physician, while he poured out for himself another bumper of Mous- 
 eeux, and offered his snuff-box to the fingers of his visiter. 
 
 " There was Plato, too," continued his Majesty, modestly de- 
 clining the snuff-box and the compliment it implied " there was 
 Plato, too, for whom I, at one time, felt all the affection of a friend
 
 486 BON-BON. 
 
 You knew Plato, Bon-Bon ? ah, no, I beg a thousand pardon* 
 He met me at Athens, one day, in the Parthenon, and told me 
 he was distressed for an idea. I bade him write down that o voug 
 ESTIV auXof. He said that he would do so, and went home, while 
 I stepped over to the pyramids. But my conscience smote me 
 for having uttered a truth, even to aid a friend, and hastening 
 back to Athens, I arrived behind the philosopher's chair as he waa 
 inditing the ' auXocr.' Giving the lamma a fillip with my finger, 
 I turned it upside down. So the sentence now reads ' o vourf stf-riv 
 auyo,' and is, you perceive, the fundamental doctrine in his meta- 
 physics." 
 
 " Were you ever at Rome ?" asked the restaurateur, as he fin- 
 ished his second bottle of Mousseux, and drew from the closet 
 a larger supply of Chambertin. 
 
 "But once, Monsieur Bon-Bon, but once. There was a time," 
 Baid the devil, as if reciting some passage from a book " there 
 was a time when occurred an anarchy of five years, during which 
 the repxiblic, bereft of all its officers, had no magistracy besidea 
 the tribunes of the people, and these were not legally vested with 
 any degree of executive power at that time, Monsieur Bon-Bon 
 at that time only I was in Rome, and I have no earthly acquaint- 
 ance, consequently, with any of its philosophy." * 
 
 " What do you think of what do you think of hiccup ! 
 Epicurus ?" 
 
 " What do I think of whom ?" said the devil, in astonishment ; 
 " you cannot surely mean to find any fault with Epicurus ! What 
 do I think of Epicurus ! Do you mean me, sir ? / am Epicurus ! 
 I am the same philosopher who wrote each of the three hundred 
 treatises commemorated by Diogenes Laertes." 
 
 " That's a lie !" said the metaphysician, for the wine had gotten 
 a little into his head. 
 
 " Very well ! very well, sir ! very well, indeed, sir !" said his 
 Majesty, apparently much flattered. 
 
 "That's a lie !" repeated the restaurateur, dogmatically, "that's 
 a hiccup ! a lie !" 
 
 * 11s ecrivaient sur la Philosophic, (Cicero, Lucretius, Seneca) mais c'etait 
 la Philosophic Grecque. Condoreet.
 
 BON-BON. 487 
 
 "Well, well, have it your own way !" said the devil, pacifically 
 and Bon -Bon, having beaten his Majesty at an argument, though 
 it his duty to conclude a second bottle of Chambertin. 
 
 "As I was saying," resinned the visiter, "as I was observing a 
 little while ago, there are some very outre notions in that book of 
 ^'ours, Monsieur Bon-Bon. What, for instance, do you mean by 
 all that humbug about the soul ? Pray, sir, what is the soul ?" 
 
 " The- hiccup ! soul," replied the metaphysician, referring to 
 nis MS., " is undoubtedly " 
 
 "No, sir!" 
 
 " Induoitably " 
 
 "No, sir!" 
 
 "Indisputably " 
 
 "No, sir!" 
 
 " Evidently " 
 
 "No, sir!" 
 
 " Incontrovertibly " 
 
 "No, sir!" 
 
 ? Hiccup! " 
 
 "No, sir!" 
 
 "And beyond all question, a- 
 
 " No, sir, the soul is no such thing !" (Here, the philosopher 
 looking daggers, took occasion to make an end, upon the spot, 
 of his third bottle of Chambertin.) 
 
 " Then hiccup ! pray, sir what what is it ?" 
 
 "That is neither here nor there, Monsieur Bon-Bon," replied 
 his Majesty, musingly. " I have tasted that is to say, I have 
 known some very bad souls, and some too pretty good ones." 
 Here he smacked his lips, and, having unconsciously let fall his 
 hand upon the volume in his pocket, was seized with a violent fit 
 of sneezing. 
 
 He continued : 
 
 "There was the soul of Cratinus passable: Aristophanes 
 racy : Plato exquisite not your Plato, but Plato the comic 
 poet : your Plato would have turned the stomach of Cerberus 
 faugh ! Then let me see ! there were Noevius, and Andronicus, 
 and Plautus, and Terentius. Then there were Lucilius, and Ca- 
 tullus, and Naso, and Quintius Flaccus, dear Quiuty ! as I called
 
 488 BON-BON. 
 
 him when he sung a seculare for my amusement, while I toasted 
 him, in pure good humor, on a fork. But they wwa.t flavor those 
 Romans. One fat Greek is worth a dozen of them, and besides 
 will keep, which cannot be said of a Quirite. Let us taste youi 
 Sauterne." 
 
 Bon-Bon had by this time made up his mind to the nil admi- 
 rari, and endeavored to hand down the bottles in question. He 
 was, however, conscious of a strange sound in the room like the 
 wagging of a tail. Of this, although extremely indecent in his 
 Majesty, the philosopher took no notice : simply kicking the dog, 
 and requesting him to be quiet. The visiter continued : 
 
 " I found that Horace tasted very much like Aristotle ; you 
 know I am fond of variety. Terentius I could not have told from 
 Meuander. Naso, to my astonishment, was Nicander in disguise. 
 Virgilius had a strong twang of Theocritus. Martial put me much 
 in mind of Archilochus and Titus Livius was positively Polybius 
 and none other." 
 
 " Hiccup !" here replied Bon-Bon, and his Majesty proceeded : 
 
 " But if I have a penchant, Monsieur Bon-Bon if I have a pen- 
 chant, it is for a philosopher. Yet, let me tell you, sir, it is not 
 every dev I mean it is not every gentleman, who knows how to 
 choose a philosopher. Long ones are not good ; and the best, if 
 not carefully shelled, are apt to be a little rancid on account of 
 the gall." 
 
 " Shelled ! !" 
 
 " I mean, taken out of the carcass." 
 
 " What do you think of a hiccup ! physician ?" 
 
 "Don't mention them ! ugh! ugh!" (Here his Majesty retch- 
 ed violently.) " I never tasted but one that rascal Hippocrates ! 
 smelt of asafcetida ugh ! ugh ! ugh ! caught a wretched cold 
 washing him in the Styx and after all he gave me the cholera 
 morbus." 
 
 "The hiccup! wretch!" ejaculated Bon-Bon, "the hic- 
 cup ' abortion of a pill-box !" and the philosopher dropped a 
 tear. 
 
 " After all," continued the visiter, " after all, if a dev if a gen- 
 . t.leman wishes to live, he must have more talents than one or two ; 
 fiiid with us a fat face is an evidence of diplomacy."
 
 BON-BON. 489 
 
 "How so?" 
 
 " Why we are sometimes exceedingly pushed for provisions. 
 You must know that, in a climate so sultry as mine, it is fre- 
 quently impossible to keep a spirit alive for more than two or 
 three hours; and after death, unless pickled immediately, (and a 
 pickled spirit is not good,) they will smell you understand, eh? 
 Putrefaction is always to be apprehended when the souls are con- 
 signed to us in the usual way." 
 
 " Hiccup ! hiccup ! good God ! how do you manage ?" 
 
 Here the iron lamp commenced swinging with redoubled vio- 
 lence, and the devil half started from his seat; however, with a 
 slight sigh, he recovered his composure, merely saying to our hero 
 in a low tone, " I tell you what, Pierre Bon-Bon, we must have no 
 more swearing." 
 
 The host swallowed another bumper, by way of denoting 
 thorough comprehension and acquiescence, and the visiter con- 
 tinued : 
 
 " Why, there are several ways of managing. The most of ua 
 starve: some put up with the pickle: for my part I purchase my 
 spirits vivente corpore, in which case I find they keep very well." 
 
 " But the body ! hiccup ! the body ! ! !" 
 
 " The body, the body well, what of the body ? oh ! ah ! I per- 
 ceive. Why, sir, the body is not at all affected by the transac- 
 tion. I have made innumerable purchases of the kind in my day, 
 and the parties never experienced any inconvenience. There were 
 Cain and Nimrod, and Nero, and Caligula, and Dionysius, and 
 Pisistratus, and and a thousand others, who never knew what it 
 was to have a soul during the latter part of their lives ; yet, sir, 
 
 these men adorned society. Why is n't there A , now, whom 
 
 you know as well as I ? Is he not in possession of all his facul- 
 ties, mental and corporeal ? Who writes a keener epigram ? Who 
 
 reasons more wittily? Who but, stay! I have his agreement 
 
 in my pocket-book." 
 
 Thus saying, he produced a red leather wallet, and took from 
 it a number of papers. Upon some of these Bon-Bon caught a 
 glimpse of the letters Machi Maza Rpbesp with the words 
 Caligula, George, Elizabeth. His Majesty selected a narrow slip 
 of parchment, and from it read aloud the following we rds :
 
 490 BON-BON. 
 
 " In consideration of certain mental endowments -which it ia 
 unnecessary to specify, and in farther consideration of one thou- 
 sand louis d'or, I, being aged one year and one month, do hereby 
 make over to the bearer of this agreement all my right, title, and 
 
 appurtenance in the shadow called my soul." (Signed) A * 
 
 (llere his Majesty repeated a name which I do not feel myself jus- 
 tified in indicating more unequivocally.) 
 
 " A clever fellow that," resumed he ; " but like you, Monsieur 
 J3on-13on, he was mistaken about the soul. The soul a shadow, 
 truly ! The soul a shadow ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! he ! he ! he ! hu ! 
 hu ! hu ! Only think of a fricasseed shadow !" 
 
 " Only think hiccup ! of a fricasseed shadow !" exclaimed 
 our hero, whose faculties were becoming much illuminated by tha 
 profundity of his Majesty's discourse. 
 
 " Only think of a hiccup ! fricasseed shadow ! ! Now, dam- 
 me! hiccup! humph! If / would have been sucli a hic- 
 cup! nincompoop. My soul, Mr. humph!" 
 
 " Your soul, Monsieur Bon- Bon?" 
 
 " Yes, sir hiccup ! my soul is" 
 
 "What, sir?" 
 
 " No shadow, damme !" 
 
 " Did you mean to say" 
 
 " Yes, sir, my soul is hiccup ! humph ! ves, sir." 
 
 " Did not intend to assert" 
 
 "My soul is hiccup! peculiarly qualified for hiccup I 
 -a" 
 
 "What, sir?" 
 
 " Stew." 
 
 " Ha !" 
 
 " Soufflee." 
 
 4. Eh ?" 
 
 " Fricassee." 
 
 "Indeed!" 
 
 " Ragout and fricandeau and see here, my good fellow ! I'l 
 let you have it hiccup ! a bargain." Here the philosopher 
 slapped his Majesty upon the back. 
 
 * Quere Arouet? '
 
 BON-BOK 491 
 
 " Couldn't think of such a thing," said the latter calmly, at the 
 same time rising from his se-at. The metaphysician stared. 
 
 " Am supplied at present," said his Majesty. 
 
 " Ilic-cup ! e-h ?" said the philosopher. 
 
 "Have no funds on hand." 
 
 "What?" 
 
 " Resides, very unhandsome in me" 
 
 "Sir!" 
 
 " To take advantage of" 
 
 "Ilic-cup!" 
 
 " Your present disgusting and ungentlemanly situation." 
 
 Here the visiter bowed and withdrew in what manner could 
 not precisely be ascertained but in a well-concerted effort to dis- 
 charge a bottle at " the villain," the slender chain was severed that 
 depended from the ceiling, and the metaphysician prostrated by 
 tie downfall of the lamp.
 
 SOME WORDS ITH A MUMMY 
 
 THE symposium of the preceding evening had been a little too 
 much for my nerves. I had a wretched head-ache, and was des- 
 perately drowsy. Instead of going out, therefore, to spend the 
 evening, as I had proposed, it occurred to me that I could not 
 do a wiser thing than just eat a mouthful of supper and go imme- 
 diately to bed. 
 
 A light supper, of course. I am exceedingly fond of Welsh 
 rabbit. More than a pound at once, however, may not at all times 
 be advisable. Still, there can be no material objection to two. 
 And really between two and three, there is merely a single unit ot 
 difference. I ventured, perhaps, upon four. My wife will have it 
 five ; but, clearly, she has confounded two very distinct affairs 
 The abstract number, five, I am willing to admit ; but, concreteiy < 
 it has reference to bottles of Brown Stout, without which, in the 
 way of condiment, AVelsh rabbit is to be eschewed. 
 
 Having thus concluded a frugal meal, and donned my night- 
 cap, with the serene hope of enjoying it till noon the next day, 
 I placed my head upon the pillow, and, through the aid of a capi 
 tal conscience, fell into a profound slumber forthwith. 
 
 But when were the hopes of humanity fulfilled ? I could not 
 have completed my third snore when there came a furious ringing 
 at the street-door bell, and then an impatient thumping at the 
 knocker, which awakened me at once. In a minute afterward, 
 mild while I was still rubbing my eyes, my wife thrust in my face 
 note, from my old friend, Doctor Ponnouner. It ran thus :
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 493 
 
 "Come to me, by all means, my dear good friend, as soon as you receiv 
 this. Come and help us to rejoice. At last, by long persevering diplomacy, 
 I have gained the assent of the Directors of the City Museum, to my exami- 
 nation of the Mummy you know the one I mean. I have permission to 
 unswathe it and open it, if desirable. A few friends only will be present 
 you, of course. The Mummy is now at my house, and we shall begin to 
 unroll it at eleven to-night. 
 
 " Yours, ever, 
 
 " Po.VNONNER." 
 
 By the time I had reached the " Ponnonner," it struck me that 
 I was as wide awake as a man need be. I leaped out of bed in 
 an ecstacy, overthrowing all in my way ; dressed myself with a 
 rapidity truly marvellous ; and set off, at the top of my speed, for 
 the Doctor's. 
 
 There I found a very eager company assembled. They had 
 been awaiting me with much impatience; the Mummy was ex- 
 tended upon the dining-table ; and the moment I entered, it* 
 examination was commenced. 
 
 It was one of a pair brought, several years previously, by Cap- 
 tain Arthur Sabretash, a cousin of Ponnonner's, from a tomb near 
 Eleithias, in the Lybian Mountains, a considerable distance above 
 Thebes on the Nile. The grottoes at this point, although less 
 magnificent than the Theban sepulchres, are of higher interest, on 
 account of affording more numerous illustrations of the private life 
 of the Egyptians. The chamber from which our specimen was 
 taken, was said to be very rich in such illustrations the walls be- 
 ing completely covered with fresco paintings and bas-reliefs, while 
 statues, vases, and Mosaic work of rich patterns, indicated the vast 
 wealth of the deceased. 
 
 The treasure had been deposited in the Museum precisely in 
 the same condition in which Captain Sabretash had found it ; 
 that is to say, the coffin had not been disturbed. For eight years 
 it had thus stood, subject only externally to public inspection. 
 We had now, therefore, the complete Mummy at our disposal ; 
 and to those who are aware how very rarely the unransacked an- 
 tique reaches our shores, it will be evident, at once, that we had 
 great reason to congratulate ourselves upon our good fortune. 
 
 Approaching the table, I saw on it a large box, or case, nearly 
 seveu feet long, and perhaps three feet wide, by two feet and a
 
 494 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 half deep. It was oblong not coffin shaped. The material was 
 at first supposed to be the wood of the sycamore (platanus^) but, 
 upon cutting into it, we found it to be pasteboard, or, more prop- 
 erly, papier mache, composed of papyrus. It was thickly orna- 
 mented with paintings, representing funeral scenes, and other 
 mournful subjects interspersed among which, in every variety of 
 position, were certain series of hieroglyphical characters, intended, 
 no doubt, for the name of the departed. By good luck, Mr. Glid- 
 don formed one of our party ; and he had no difficulty in trans- 
 lating the letters, which were simply phonetic, and represented 
 the word, Allamistakeo. 
 
 We had some difficulty in getting this case open without injury; 
 but, having at length accomplished the task, we came to a second, 
 coffin-shaped, and very considerably less in size than the exterior 
 one, but resembling it precisely in every other respect. The inter- 
 ral between the two was filled with resin, which had, in some de- 
 gree, defaced the colors of the interior box. 
 
 Upon opening this latter, (which we did quite easily,) we ar- 
 rived at a third case, also coffin-shaped, and varying ffom the 
 second one in no particular, except in that of its material, which 
 was cedar, and still emitted the peculiar and highly aromatic odor 
 of that wood. Between the second and the third case there was 
 no interval the one fitting accurately within the other. 
 
 Removing the third case, we discovered and took out the body 
 itself. We had expected to find it, as usual, enveloped in frequent 
 rolls, or bandages, of linen ; but, in place of these, we found a sort 
 of sheath, made of papyrus, and coated with a layer of plaster, 
 thickly gilt and painted. The paintings represented subjects con- 
 nected with the various supposed duties of the soul, and its presen- 
 tation to different divinities, with numerous identical human figures, 
 intended, very probably, as portraits of the persons embalmed. 
 Extending from head to foot, was a columnar, or perpendicular 
 inscription, in phonetic hieroglyphics, giving again his name and 
 titles, and the names and titles of his relations. 
 
 Around the neck thus unsheathed, was a collar of cylindrical 
 glass beads, diverse in color, and so arranged as to form images 
 of deities, of the scarabseus, etc., with the winged globe. Around 
 the small of the waist was a similar collar or belt.
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 495 
 
 Stripping oft' the papyrus, we found the flesh in excellent preser- 
 vation, with no perceptible odor. The color was reddish. The 
 skin was hard, smooth, and glossy. The teeth and hair were in 
 good condition. The eyes (it seemed) had been removed, and 
 glass ones substituted, which were very beautiful and wonderfully 
 life-like, with the exception of somewhat too determined a stare. 
 The finger and the nails were brilliantly gilded. 
 
 Mr. Gliddon was of opinion, from the redness of the epidermis, 
 that the embalment had been effected altogether by asphaltum ; 
 but, on scraping the surface with a steel instrument, and throwing 
 into the fire some of the powder thus obtained, the flavor of cam- 
 phor and other sweet-scented gums became apparent. 
 
 We searched the corpse very carefully for the usual openings 
 through which the entrails are extracted, but, to our surprise, 
 we could discover none. No member of the party was at that 
 period aware that entire or unopened mummies are not unfrequently 
 met. The brain it was customary to withdraw through the nose ; 
 the intestines through an incision in the side ; the body was then 
 shaved, washed, and salted; then laid aside for several weeks, when 
 Ihe operation of embalming, properly so called, began. 
 
 As no trace of an opening could be found, Doctor Ponnonner 
 was preparing his instruments for dissection, when I observed that 
 1 was then past two o'clock. Hereupon it was agreed to post- 
 pone the internal examination until the next evening ; and we 
 were about to separate for the present, when some one suggested 
 an experiment or two with the Voltaic pile. 
 
 The application of electricity to a Mummy three or four thou- 
 sand years old at the least, was an idea, if not very sage, still suffi- 
 ciently original, and we all caught it at once. About one-tenth 
 in earnest and nine-tenths in jest, we arranged a battery in the 
 Doctor's study, and conveyed thither the Egyptian. 
 
 It was only after much trouble that we succeeded in laying 
 bare some portions of the temporal muscle which appeared of less 
 stony rigidity than other parts of the frame, but which, as we had 
 anticipated, of course, gave no indication of galvanic susceptibility 
 when brought in contact with the wire. This, the first trial, in- 
 deed, seemed decisive, and. with a hearty laugh at our own ab- 
 surdity, we were bidding each other good night, when my eyes,
 
 490 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 happening to fall upon those of the Mummy, were there imme- 
 diately riveted in amazement. My brief glance, in fact, had suf- 
 ficed to assure me that the orbs which we had all supposed to be 
 glass, and which were originally noticeable for a certain wild stare, 
 were now so far covered by the lids, that only a small portion of 
 the tunica albugixea remained visible. 
 
 With a shout I called attention to the fact, and it became im- 
 mediately obvious to all. 
 
 I cannot say that I was alarmed at the phenomenon, because 
 "alarmed" is, in my case, not exactly the word. It is possible, 
 however, that, but for the Brown Stout, I might have been a little 
 nervous. As for the rest of the company, they really made no 
 attempt at concealing the downright fright which possessed them. 
 Doctor Ponnonner was a man to be pitied. Mr. Gliddon, by some 
 peculiar process, rendered himself invisible. Mr. Silk Bucking- 
 ham, I fancy, will scarcely be so bold as to deny that he made his 
 way, upon all fours, under the table. 
 
 After the first shock of astonishment, however, we resolved, as 
 a matter of course, upon farther experiment forthwith. Our ope- 
 rations were now directed against the great toe of the right foot. 
 We made an incision over the outside of the exterior os sesamoi- 
 deum pollicis pedis, and thus got at the root of the abductor mus- 
 cle. Re-adjusting the battery, we now applied the fluid to the 
 bisected nerves when, with a movement of exceeding life-like- 
 ness, the Mummy first drew up its right knee so as to bring it 
 nearly in contact with the abdomen, and then, straightening the 
 limb with inconceivable force, bestowed a kick upon Doctor Pon- 
 nonner, which had the effect of discharging that gentleman, like 
 an arrow from a catapult, through a window into the street below. 
 
 We rushed out en masse to bring in the mangled remains of 
 the victim, but had the happiness to meet him upon the staircase, 
 coming up in an unaccountable hurry, brimfull of the most ardent 
 philosophy, and more than ever impressed with the necessity of 
 prosecuting our experiments with rigor and with zeal. 
 
 It was by his advice, accordingly, that we made, upon the spot, 
 a profound incision into the tip of the subject's nose, while the 
 Doctor himself, laying violent hands upon it, pulled it into veho.m 
 t contact with the wire.
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 4D7 
 
 Morally ar.d physically figuratively and literally was the 
 effect electric. In the first place, the corpse opened its eyes and 
 winked very rapidly for several minutes, as does Mr. Barnes in 
 the pantomime ; in the second place, it sneezed ; in the third, it 
 sat upon end ; in the fourth, it shook its fist in Doctor Ponnon- 
 ner's face ; in the fifth, turning to Messieurs Gliddon and Bucking- 
 ham, it addressed them, in very capital Egyptian, thus : 
 
 " I must say, gentlemen, that I am as much surprised as T am 
 mortified, at your behavior. Of Doctor Ponnonner nothing bet- 
 ter was to be expected. He is a poor little fat fool who know* 
 no better. I pity and forgive him. But you, Mr. Gliddon and 
 you, Silk who have travelled and resided in Egypt until one 
 might imagine you to the manor born you, I say, who have 
 been so much among us that you speak Egyptian fully as well, 
 I think, as you write your mother tongue you, whom Lhavo 
 always been led to regard as the firm friend of the mummies 
 I really did anticipate more gentlemanly conduct from you. What 
 am I to think of your standing quietly by and seeing me thus 
 unhandsomely used ? What am I to suppose by your permitting 
 Tom, Dick, and Harry to strip me of my coffins, and my clothes, 
 in this wretchedly cold climate ? In what light (to come to the 
 point) am I to regard your aiding and abetting that miserable little 
 villain, Doctor Ponnonner, in pulling me by the nose ?" 
 
 It will be taken for granted, no doubt, that upon hearing this 
 speech iinder the circumstances, we all either made for the door, 
 or fell into violent hysterics, or went off in a general swoon. One 
 of these three things was, I say, to be expected. Indeed each and 
 all of these lines of conduct might have been very plausibly pur- 
 sued. And, upon my word, I am at a loss to know how or why 
 it was that we pursued neither the one or the other. But, per- 
 haps, the true reason is to be sought in the spirit of the age, which 
 proceeds by the rule of contraries altogether, and is now usually 
 admitted as the solution of everything in the way of paradox and 
 impossibility. Or, perhaps, after all, it was only the Mummy's 
 exceedingly natural and matter-of-course air that divested his words 
 of the terrible. However this may be, the facts are clear, and no 
 member of our party betrayed any very particular trepidation, or 
 seemed to consider that anything had gone very especially wrong.
 
 498 SOME WO IDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 For rny part I was convinced it was all right, and merely step- 
 ped aside, out of the range of the Egyptian's fist. Doctor Pon- 
 nonner thrust his hands into his breeches' pockets, looked hard at 
 the Mummy, and grew excessively red in the face. Mr. Gliddon 
 stroked his whiskers and drew up the collar of his shirt. Mr. 
 Buckingham hung down his head, and put his right thumb into 
 the left corner of his mouth. 
 
 The Egyptian regarded him with a severe countenance for 
 some minutes, and at length, with a sneer, said : 
 
 " Why don't you speak, Mr. Buckingham ? Did you hear 
 what I asked you, or not ? Do take your thumb out of your 
 mouth !" 
 
 Mr. Buckingham, hereupon, gave a slight start, took his right 
 thumb out of the left corner of his mouth, and, by way of indem- 
 nification, inserted his left thumb in the right corner of the aper- 
 ture above-mentioned. 
 
 Not being able to get an answer from Mr. B., the figure turned 
 peevishly to Mr. Gliddon, and, in a peremptory tone, demanded 
 in general terms what we all meant. 
 
 Mr. Gliddon replied at great length, in phonetics ; and but for 
 the deficiency of American printing-offices in hieroglyphical type, 
 it would afford me much pleasure to record here, in the original, 
 the whole of his very excellent speech. 
 
 I may as well take this occasion to remark, that all the subse- 
 quent conversation in which the Mummy took a part, was carried 
 on in primitive Egyptian, through the medium (so far as concerned 
 myself and other untravelled members of the company) through 
 the medium, I say, of Messieurs Gliddon and Buckingham, ns 
 interpreters. These gentlemen spoke the mother-tongue of tho 
 mummy with inimitable fluency and grace ; but I could not help 
 observing that (owing, no doubt, to the introduction of images 
 entirely modern, and, of course, entirely novel to the stranger,) 
 the two travellers were reduced, occasionally, to the employment 
 of sensible forms for the purpose of conveying a particular mean- 
 ing. Mr. Gliddon, at one period, for example, could not make the 
 Egyptian comprehend the term "politics," until he sketched upon 
 the wall, with a bit of charcoal, a little carbuncle nosed gentleman, 
 out at elbows, standing upon a s'. ump, with his left leg drawn
 
 SOME WORDS *WITH A MUMMY. 499 
 
 back, liis right arm thrown forward, with his fist shut, the eyes 
 rolled up toward Heaven, and the mouth open at an angle of 
 ninety degrees. Just in the same way Mr. Buckingham failed to 
 convey the absolutely modern idea, u whig," until, (at Doctor 
 1'onnonner's suggestion,) he grew very pale in the face, and con 
 scnted to take oft his own. 
 
 It will be readily understood that Mr. Gliddon's discourse turned 
 chiefly upon the vast benefits accruing to science from the unrolling 
 and disemboweling of mummies; apologizing, upon this score, 
 for any disturbance that might have been occasioned kirn, in par- 
 ticular, the individual Mummy called Allamistakeo ; and con- 
 cluding with a mere hint, (for it could scarcely be considered 
 more,) that, as these little matters were now explained, it might 
 be as well to proceed with the investigation intended. Here 
 Doctor Ponnonner made ready his instruments. 
 
 In regard to the latter suggestions of the orator, it appears that 
 Allamistakeo had certain scruples of conscience, the nature of 
 which I did not distinctly learn ; but he expressed himself satis- 
 fied with the apologies tendered, and, getting down from the table, 
 shook hands with the company all round. 
 
 AVhen this ceremony was at an end, we immediately busied 
 ourselves in repairing the damages which our subject had sus- 
 tained from the scalpel. We sewed up the wound in his temple, 
 bandaged his foot, and applied a square inch of black plaster to 
 the tip of his nose. 
 
 It was now observed that the Count, (this was the title, it 
 seems, of Allamistakeo,) had a slight fit of shivering no doubt 
 from the cold. The doctor immediately repaired to his wardrobe. 
 and soon returned with a black dress coat, made in Jennings' best 
 manner, a pair of sky-blue plaid pantaloons with straps, a pink 
 gingham chemise, a flapped vest of brocade, a white sack overcoat, 
 a walking cane with a hook, a hat with no brim, patent-leather 
 boots straw-colored kid gloves, an eye-glass, a pair of whiskers, 
 and a waterfall cravat. Owing to the disparity of size between 
 the C^unt and the doctor, (the proportion being as two to one,) 
 there was some little difficulty in adjusting tliese habiliments upon 
 the person of the Egyptian ; but when all was arranged, he might 
 have been said to be dressed. Mr. Gliddon. therefore, gave him
 
 500 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY 
 
 his ami, and led him to a comfortable chair by the fire, while the 
 doctor rang the bell upon the spot and ordered a supply of cigars 
 and wine. 
 
 The conversation soon grew animated. Much curiosity was, of 
 course, expressed in regard to the somewhat remarkable fact of 
 Allamistakeo's still remaining alive. 
 
 '' I should have thought," observed Mr. Buckingham, " that it 
 is high time you were dead." 
 
 " Why." replied the Count, very much astonished, " I am little 
 more than neven nundred years old ! My father lived a thousand, 
 and was by no means in his dotage when he died." 
 
 Here ensued a brisk series of questions and computations, by 
 means of v?hich it became evident that the antiquity of the 
 Mummy had been grossly misjudged. It had been five thousand 
 and fifty ytars, and some months, since he had been consigned to 
 the catacombs at Eleithias. 
 
 " But my remark," resumed Mr. Buckingham, " had no refer- 
 ence to your age at the period of interment ; (I am willing to 
 grant, in fact, that you are still a young man,) and my allusion 
 was to the immensity of time during which, by your own showing, 
 you must have been done up in asphaltum." 
 
 " In ^hat ?" said the Count. 
 
 " In asphaltum," persisted Mr. B. 
 
 " All, yes ; I have some faint notion of what you mean ; it 
 might be made to answer, no doubt, but in my time we em- 
 ployed scarcely anything else than the Bichloride of Mercury." 
 
 " But what we are especially at a loss to understand," said 
 Doctor Ponnonner, "is how it happens that, having been dead 
 and buried in Egypt, five thousand years ago, you are here tc-day 
 all alive, and looking so delightfully well." 
 
 " Had I been, as you say, dead" replied the Count, " it is mor? 
 than probable that dead I should still be ; for I perceive you aro 
 yet in the infancy of Galvanism, and cannot accomplish with it 
 what was a common thing among us in the old days. But the 
 fact is, I fell into catalepsy, and it was considered by my best 
 friends that I was either dead or should be ; they accordingly em- 
 balmed me at once I presume you are aware of the chief prin- 
 ciple of the embalming process ?"
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 501 
 
 " Why, not altogether." 
 
 " Ah, I perceive ; a deplorable condition of ignorance ! Well, 
 I cannot enter into details just now : but it is necessary to explain 
 that to embalm, (properly speaking,) in Egypt, was to arrest indefi 
 nitely all the animal functions subjected to the process. I use the 
 word ' animal in its widest sense, as including the physical not 
 more than the moral and vital being. I repeat that the leading 
 principle of embalmment consisted, with us, in the immediately 
 arresting, and holding in perpetual abeyance, all the animal func- 
 tions subjected to the process. To be brief, in whatever condition 
 the individual was, at the period of embalmment, in that condition 
 he remained. Now; as it is my good fortune to be of the blood 
 of the Scaraboeus, I was embalmed alive, as you see me at pre- 
 sent." 
 
 " The blood of the Scarabceus !" exclaimed Doctor Ponnonner. 
 
 " Yes. The Scaraboeus was the insignium, or the ' arms,' of a 
 very distinguished and very rare patrician family. To be ' of the 
 blood of the Scaraboeus,' is merely to be one of that family of 
 which the Scaraboeus is the insignium. I speak figuratively " 
 
 " But what has this to do with your being alive ?" 
 
 " Why it is the general custom in Egypt, to deprive a corpse, 
 before embalmment, of its bowels and brains ; the race of Scaraboei 
 alone did not coincide with the custom. Had I not been a Scara- 
 boeus, therefore, I should have been without bowels and brains ; 
 and without either it is inconvenient to live." 
 
 " I perceive that ;" said Mr. Buckingham, " and I presume that 
 all the entire mummies that ccme to hand are of the race of 
 Scarabcei." 
 
 " Beyond doubt." 
 
 " I thought," said Mr. Gliddon, very meekly, " that the Scara- 
 bceus was one of the Egyptian gods." 
 
 " One of the Egyptian what ?" exclaimed the Mummy, starting 
 to its feet. 
 
 " Gods !" repeated the traveller. 
 
 "Mr. Gliddon, I really am astonished to hear you talk in this 
 style," said the Count, resuming his chair. " No nation upon the 
 face of the earth has ever acknowledged more than one god. The 
 Scaraboeus, the Ibis, etc., were with us, (as similar creatures
 
 502 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 have been with others) the symbols, or media, through which wo 
 offered worship to the Creator too august to be more directly ap- 
 proached." 
 
 There was here" a pause. At length the colloquy was renewed 
 by Doctor Ponnonner. 
 
 " It is not improbable, then, from what you have explained," 
 said he, "that among the catacombs near the Nile, there may exist 
 other mummies of the Scaraboeus tribe, in a condition of vitality." 
 
 " There can be no question of it," replied the Count ; " all 
 the Scaraboei embalmed accidentally while alive, are alive. Even 
 some of those purposely so embalmed, may have been overlooked 
 by their executors, and still remain in the tombs." 
 
 " Will you be kind enough to explain," I said, " what you mean 
 by ' purposely so embalmed ?' " 
 
 " With great pleasure," answered the Mummy, after surveying 
 me leisurely through his eye-glass for it was the first time I had 
 ventured to address him a direct question. 
 
 "With great pleasure," he said. "The usual duration of man's 
 life, in my time, was about eight hundred years. Few men died, 
 unless by most extraordinary accident, before the age of six hun- 
 dred ; few lived longer than a decade of centuries ; but eight 
 were considered the natural term. After the discovery of the 
 embalming principle, as I have already described it to you, it oc- 
 curred to our philosophers that a laudable curiosity might be 
 gratified, and, at the same time, the interests of science much ad- 
 vanced, by living this natural term in instalments. In the case 
 of history, indeed, experience demonstrated that something of this 
 kind was indispensable. An historian, for example, having at- 
 tained the age of five hundred, would write a book with great 
 labor and then get himself carefully embalmed ; leaving instruc- 
 tions to his executors pro. tern., that they should cause him to be 
 revivified after the lapse of a certain period say five or six hun- 
 dred years. Resuming existence at the expiration of this time, he 
 would invariably find his great work converted into a species of 
 hap-nazard note-book that is to say, into a kind of literary arena 
 for the conflicting guesses, riddles, and personal squabbles of whole 
 herds of exasperated commentators. These guesses, etc., which 
 passed under the name of annotations, or emendations, were found
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 503 
 
 so completely to have enveloped, distorted, and overwhelmed the 
 text, that the author had to go about with a lantern to discover 
 his own book. When discovered, it was never worth the trouble 
 of the search. After re-writing it throughout, it was regarded as 
 the boundeu duty of the historian to set himself to work, immedi- 
 ately, in correcting from his own private knowledge and experi- 
 ence, the traditions of the day concerning the epoch at which ho 
 had originally lived. Now this process of re-scription and perso- 
 nal rectification, pursued by various individual sages, from time to 
 time, had the effect of preventing our history from degenerating 
 into absolute fable." 
 
 " I De o your pardon," said Doctoi Ponnonner at this point, lay 
 ing his hand gently upon the arm of the Egyptian " I beg your 
 pardon, sir, but may I presume to interrupt you for one mo- 
 ment ?" 
 
 " By all means, sir" replied the Count, drawing up. 
 
 " I merely wished to ask you a question," said the Doctor. 
 " You mentioned the historian's personal correction of traditions 
 respecting his own epoch. Pray, sir, upon an average, what pro- 
 portion of these Kabbala were usually found to be right ?" 
 
 " The Kabbala, as you properly term them, sir, were generally 
 discovered to be precisely on a par with the facts recorded in the 
 un-re-written histories themselves ; that is to say, not one indi- 
 vidual iota of either, was ever known, under any circumstances, to 
 be not totally and radically wrong." 
 
 " But since it is quite clear," resumed the Doctor, " that at 
 least five thousand years have elapsed since your entombment, I 
 take it for granted that your histories at that period, if not your 
 traditions, were sufficiently explicit on that one topic of universal 
 interest, the Creation, which took place, as I presume you are 
 aware, only about ten centuries before." 
 
 " Sir !" said the Count Allamistakeo. 
 
 The Doctor repeated his remarks, but it was only after much 
 additional explanation, that the foreigner could be made to com- 
 prehend them. The latter at length said, hesitatingly : 
 
 " The ideas you have suggested are to me, I confess, utterly 
 novel. During my time I never knew any one to entertain so 
 singular a fancy as that the universe (or this world if you will
 
 504 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 have it so,) ever had a beginning at all. I remember once, and 
 once only, hearing something remotely hinted, by a man of many 
 speculations, concerning the origin of the human race ; and by 
 this individual, the very word Adam, (or Red Earth) which you 
 make use of, was employed. He employed it, however, in a 
 generical sense, with reference to the spontaneous germinatiop 
 from rank soil (just as a thousand of the lower genera of crea 
 tures are germinated) the spontaneous germination, I say, of 
 five vast hordes of men, simultaneously upspringing in tive dis 
 tinct and nearly equal divisions of the globe." 
 
 Here, in general, the company shrugged their shoulders, and one 
 or two of us touched our foreheads with a very significant air. 
 Mr. Silk Buckingham, first glancing slightly at the occiput and 
 then .at the siniciput of Allamistakeo, spoke as follows : 
 
 " The long duration of human life in your time, together with 
 the occasional practice of passing it, as you have explained, in 
 instalments, must have had, indeed, a strong tendency to the gen- 
 eral development and conglomeration of knowledge. I presume, 
 therefore, that we are to attribute the marked inferiority of the 
 old Egyptians in all particulars of science, when compared with 
 the moderns, and more especially, with the Yankees, altogether to 
 the superior solidity of the Egyptian skull." 
 
 " I confess again," replied the Count, with much suavity, " that 
 I am somewhat at a loss to comprehend you ; pray, to what par- 
 ticulars of science do you allude ?" 
 
 Here our whole party, joining voices, detailed, at great length, 
 the assumptions of phrenology and the marvels of animal mag- 
 netism. 
 
 Having heard us to an end, the Count proceeded to relate a 
 few anecdotes, which rendered it evident that prototypes of Gall 
 and Sf urzheim had flourished and faded in Egypt so long ago as 
 to have been nearly forgotten, and that the manoeuvres of Mes- 
 mer were really very contemptible tricks when put in collation 
 with the positive miracles of the Theban savans, who created lico 
 and a great many other similar things. 
 
 I here asked the Count if his people were able to calculate 
 Hjlipses. He smiled rather contemptuously, and said they were. 
 
 Tliis put me a little out, but I began to make other inquiries
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 505 
 
 in regard to his astronomical knowledge, when a member of the 
 company, who had never as yet opened his month, whispered in 
 my ear, that for information on this head, I had better consult 
 Ptolemy, (whoever Ptolemy is,) as well as, one Plutarch de facie 
 lunct:. 
 
 I then questioned the Mummy about burning-glasses and 
 enses, and, in general, about the manufacture of glass ; but 1 had 
 not made an end of my queries before the silent member aga'R 
 touched me quietly on the elbow, and begged me for God's sake 
 to take a peep at Diodorus Siculus. As for the Count, he merely 
 asked me, in the way of reply, if we moderns possessed any such 
 microscopes as would enable us to cut cameos in the style of the 
 Egyptians. While I was thinking how I should an?wer this ques- 
 tion, little Doctor Ponnonner committed himself in a very extra 
 ordinary way. 
 
 " Look at our architecture !" he exclaimed, greatly to the indig- 
 nation of both the travellers, who pinched him black and blue to 
 no purpose. 
 
 "Look," he cried with enthusiasm, "at the Bowling-Green Foun- 
 tain in New- York ! or if this be too vast a contemplation, regard 
 for a moment the Capitol at Washington, D. C. !" and the good 
 little medical man went on to detail, very minutely, the propor- 
 tions of the fabric to which he referred. He explained that the 
 portico alone was adorned with no less than four and twenty col 
 umns, five feet in diameter, and ten feet apart. 
 
 The Count said that he regretted not being able to remember, 
 just at that moment, the precise dimensions of any one of tin 
 principal buildings of the city of Aznac, whose foundations wer: 
 laid in the night of Time, but the ruins of which were still stand 
 ing, at the epoch of his entombment, in a vast plain of sand to 
 the westward of Thebes. He recollected, however, (talking of 
 porticoes) that one affixed to an inferior palace in a kind of suburb 
 called Carnac, consisted of a hundred and forty-four columns, 
 thirty-seven feet each in circumference, and twenty-five feet apart. 
 The approach of this portico, from the Nile, was through an ave- 
 nue two miles long, composed of sphynxes, statues and obelisks, 
 twenty, sixty, and a hundred feet in height. The palace itself (aa 
 well as he could remember) was, in one direction, two miles long.
 
 506 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 and might have been altogether, about seven in circuit. Its walls 
 were richly painted all over, within and without, with hiero- 
 glyphics. He would not pretend to assert that even fifty or sixty 
 of the Doctor's Capitols might have been built within these walk, 
 but he was by no means sure that two or three hundred of them 
 might not have been squeezed in with some trouble. That palace 
 at Carnac was an insignificant little building after all. He, (the 
 <Count) however, could not conscientiously refuse to admit the in- 
 genuity, magnificence, and superiority of the Fountain at the Bow- 
 ling Green, as described by the Doctor. Nothing like it, he was 
 forced to allow, had ever been seen in Egypt or elsewhere. 
 
 I here asked the Count what he had to say to our railroads. 
 
 " Nothing," he replied, " in particular." They were rather 
 slight, rather ill-conceived, and clumsily put together. They could 
 not be compared, of course, with the vast, level, direct, iron-grooved 
 causeways, upon which the Egyptians conveyed entire temples 
 and solid obelisks of a hundred and fifty feet in altitude. 
 
 I spoke of our gigantic mechanical forces. 
 
 He agreed that we knew something in that way, but inquired 
 how I should have gone to work in getting up the imposts on the 
 lintels of even the little palace at Carnac. 
 
 This question I concluded not to hear, and demanded if he had 
 any idea of Artesian wells ; but he simply raised his eye-brows 
 while Mr. Gliddon winked at me very hard and said, in a low 
 tone, that one had been recently discovered by the engineers em 
 ployed to bore for water in the Great Oasis. 
 
 I then mentioned our steel ; but the foreigner elevated his nose, 
 and asked me if our steel could have executed the sharp carved 
 work seen on the obelisks, and which was wrought altogether by 
 edge-tools of copper. 
 
 This disconcerted us so greatly that we thought it advisable to 
 vary the attack to Metaphysics. We sent for a copy of a book 
 called the " Dial," and read out of it a chapter or two about 
 something which is not very clear, but which the Bostonians call 
 the Great Movement or Progress. 
 
 The Count merely said that Great Movements were awfully 
 common things in his day, and as for Progress, it was at one time 
 quite a nuisance, but il never progressed.
 
 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 507 
 
 "We then spoke of the great beauty and importance of Demo- 
 cracy, and were at much trouble in impressing the Count with a 
 due sense of the advantages we enjoyed in living where there was 
 suffrage ad libitum, and no king. 
 
 He listened with marked interest, and in fact seemed not a little 
 amused. When we had done, he said that, a great while ago, 
 there had occurred something of a very similar sort. Thirteen 
 Egyptian provinces determined all at once to be free, and so set a 
 magnificent example to the rest of mankind. They assembled 
 their wise men, and concocted the most ingenious constitution it 
 s possible to conceive. For a while they managed remarkably 
 well ; only their habit of bragging was prodigious. The thing 
 ended, however, in the consolidation of the thirteen states, with 
 some fifteen or twenty others, in the most odious and insupporta- 
 ble despotism that ever was heard of upon the face of the Earth. 
 I asked what was the name of the usurping tyrant. 
 As well as the Count could recollect, it was Mob. 
 Not knowing what to say to this, I raised my voice, and de- 
 plored the Egyptian ignorance of steam. 
 
 The Count looked at me with much astonishment, but made no 
 answer. The silent gentleman, however, gave me a violent nudge 
 in the ribs with his elbows told me I had sufficiently exposed 
 myself for once and demanded if I was really such a fool as not 
 to know that the modern steam engine is derived from the inven- 
 tion of Hero, through Solomon de Caus. 
 
 We were now in imminent danger of being discomfited ; but, 
 as good luck would have it, Doctor Ponnonner, having rallied, re- 
 turned to our rescue, and inquired if the people of Egypt would 
 seriously pretend to rival the moderns in the all important partic- 
 ular of dress. 
 
 The Count, at this, glanced downwards to the straps of his pan 
 taloons, and then taking hold of the end of one of his coat-tails, 
 held it up close to his eyes for some minutes. Letting it fall, at 
 last, his mouth extended itself very gradually from ear to ear ; but 
 I do not remember that he said anything in the way of reply. 
 
 Hereupon we recovered our spirits, and the Doctor, approach- 
 ing the Mummy with great dignity, desired it to say candidly, 
 upon its honor as a gentleman, if the Egyptians had comprehend-
 
 508 SOME WORDS WITH A MUMMY. 
 
 ed, at any period, the manufacture of either Ponnonner's lozenges 
 or Brandreth's pills. 
 
 We looked, with profound anxiety, for an answer ; but in vain. 
 It was not forthcoming. The Egyptian blushed and hung down 
 his head. Never was triumph more consummate ; never wa? 
 defeat borne with so ill a grace. Indeed, I could not endure thfl 
 spectacle of the poor Mummy's mortification. I reached my hat 
 bowed to him stiffly, and took leave. 
 
 Upon getting home I found it past four o'clock, and went imme- 
 diately to-bed. It is now ten, A. M. I have been up since seven, 
 penning these memoranda for the benefit of my family and of 
 mankind. The former I shall behold no more. My wife is a 
 shrew. The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life and of the 
 nineteenth century in general. I am convinced that everything is 
 going wrong. Besides, I am anxious to know who will be Presi- 
 dent in 2045. As soon, therefore, as I shave and swallow a cup 
 of coffee, I shall just step over to Ponnonner's and get embalmed 
 for a co iple of hundred years.
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^A* 
 
 Mit. STEPIIEXS lias here given us two volumes of more than 
 ordinary interest written with a freshness of manner, and 
 evincing a manliness of feeling, both worthy of high considera- 
 tion. Although in some respects deficient, the work too presents 
 some points of moment to the geographer, to the antiquarian, and 
 more especially to the theologian. Viewed only as one of a 
 class of writings whose direct tendency is to throw light upon 
 the Book of Books, it has strong claims upon the attention of all 
 who read. While the vast importance of critical and philological 
 research in dissipating the obscurities and determining the exact 
 sense of the Scriptures, cannot be too readily conceded, it may 
 be doubted whether the collateral illustration derivable from re 
 cords of travel be not deserving at least equal consideration. 
 Certainly the evidence thus afforded, exerting an enkindling in< 
 fluencc upon the popular imagination, and so taking palpable 
 hold upon the popular understanding, will not fail to become in 
 time a most powerful because easily available instrument in the 
 downfall of unbelief. Infidelity itself has often afforded unwilling 
 and unwitting testimony to the truth. It is surprising to find 
 with what unintentional precision both Gibbon and Volney 
 (among others) have used, fo^ the purpose of description, in 
 their accounts of nations and countries, the identical phraseology 
 employed by the inspired writers when foretelling the most im- 
 probable events. In this manner skepticism has been made the 
 
 * New York Review, Oct., 1837.
 
 510 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' AK.vBIA TETIl-EA, ETC. 
 
 root of belief, and the providence of the Deity has been no less 
 remarkable in the extent and nature of the means for briivnno 
 
 r-, o 
 
 to light the evidence of his accomplished word, than in workin" 
 the accomplishment itself. 
 
 Of late days, the immense stores of biblical elucidation 'deriv- 
 able from the East have been rapidly accumulating in the hands 
 of the student. When the " Observations" of Harmer were 
 given to the public, he had access to few other works than the 
 travels of Chardin, Pococke, Shaw, Maundrell, Pitts, and D'Ar- 
 vieux, with perhaps those of Nau and Troilo, and liusselFs 
 " Natural History of Aleppo." We have now a vast accession 
 to our knowledge of Oriental regions. Intelligent and observing 
 men, impelled by the various motives of Christian zeal, military 
 adventure, the love of gain, and the love of science, have made 
 their way, often at imminent risk, into every land rendered holy 
 by the words of revelation. Through the medium of the pencil, 
 as well as of the pen, we are even familiarly acquainted with the 
 territories of the Bible. Valuable books of eastern travel are 
 abundant of which the labors of Niebuhr, Mariti, Volney, Por- 
 ter, Clarke, Chateaubriand, Burckhardt, Buckingham, Morier, 
 Seetzen, De Lamartine, Laborde, Tournefort, Madden, Maddox, 
 Wilkinson, Arundell, Mangles, Leigh, and Hogg, besides those 
 already mentioned, are merely the principal, or the most exten- 
 sively known. As we have said, however, the work before us 
 is not to be lightly regarded : highly agreeable, interesting, and 
 instructive, in a general view, it also has, in the connexion now 
 adverted to, claims to public attention possessed by no other book 
 of its kind. 
 
 In an article prepared for this journal some months ago, we 
 had traced the route of Mr. Stephens with a degree of minute- 
 ness not desirable now, when the work has been so long in the 
 hands of the public. At this late day we must be content with 
 iaying, briefly, in regard to the earlier portion of the narrative, 
 that, arriving at Alexandria in December, 1835, he thence! 
 passed up the Nile as far as the Lower Cataracts. One or two 
 passages from this part of the tour may still be noted for obser- 
 vation. The annexed speculations, in regard to the present city 
 of Alexandria, are well worth attention.
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^EA, ETC. 511 
 
 " The present city of Alexandria, even after the dreadful ravages made 
 by the plague last yeaj, is still supposed to contain more than 50,000 inha- 
 bitants, and is decidedly growing. It stands outside the Delta in the Libya* 
 Desert, and as Volney remarks, It is only by the canal which conducts th 
 waters of the Nile into the reservoirs in the time of inundation, that Alex 
 indria can be considered as connected with Egypt.' Founded by the grea! 
 Alexander, to secure his conquests in the East, being the only safu harboi 
 along the coast of Syria or Africa, and possessing peculiar commercial ad- 
 vantages, il soon grew into a giant city. Fifteen miles in circumference, 
 containing a population of 300,000 citizens and as many slaves, one mag 
 nificent street, 2,000 feet broad, ran the whole length of the city, from the 
 Gato of the Sea to the Canopie Gate, commanding a view at each end, of 
 the shipping, either in the Mediterranean or in the Mareotic Lake, and an- 
 other cf equal length intersected it at right angles ; a spacious circus without 
 the Canopie Gate, for chariot-races, and on the east a splendid gymnasium 
 more than six hundred feet in length, with theatres, baths and all that could 
 make it a desirable residence for a luxurious people. When it fell into the 
 hands of the Saracens, according to the report of the Saracen general to the 
 Calif Omar, " it was impossible to enumerate the variety of its riches and 
 beauties ;' and it is said to ' have contained four thousand palaces, four 
 thousand baths, four hundred theatres or public edifices, twelve thousand 
 shops, and forty thousand tributary Jews.' From that time, like every 
 thing else which falls into the hands of the Mussulman, it has been going 
 to ruin, and the discovery of the passage to India by the Cape of Good Hope 
 gave the death-blow to its commercial greatness. At present it stands a 
 phenomenon in the history of a Turkish dominion. It appears once more 
 to be raising its head from the dust. It remains to be seen whether this 
 rise is the legitimate and permanent effect of a wise and politic government, 
 combined with natural advantages, or whether the pacha is not forcing it to 
 an unnatural elevation, at the expense, if not upon the ruins, of the rest of 
 Egypt. It is almost presumptuous, on the threshold of my entrance into 
 Egypt, to speculate upon the future condition of this interesting country ; 
 but it is clear that the pacha is determined to build up the city of Alexan- 
 dria, if he can : his fleet is here, his army, his arsenal, and his forts arc here ; 
 and he has forced and centred here a commerce that was before divided be 
 tween several places. Rosetta has lost more than two thirds of its popula- 
 tion. Damietta has become a mere nothing, and even Cairo the Grand has 
 become tributary to what is called the regenerated city." Vol. I. pp. 21, 22, 
 
 We see no presumption in this attempt to speculate upon the 
 future condition of Egypt. Its destinies are matter for the atten- 
 tive consideration of every reader of the Bible. No words can 
 be more definitive, more utterly free from ambiguity, than the 
 prophecies concerning this region. No events could be more
 
 512 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^A, ETC. 
 
 wonderful in their nature, nor more impossible to have been fore- 
 seen by the eye of man, than the events foretold concerning it. 
 With the earliest ages of the world its line of monarchs began, 
 and the annihilation of the entire dynasty was predicted during 
 the zenith of tl at dynasty's power. One of the most lucid of 
 the biblical commentators has justly observed that the very 
 attempt once made by infidels to show, from the recorded number 
 of its monarchs and the duration of their reigns, that Egypt was 
 a kingdom previous to the Mosaic era of the deluge, places in 
 the most striking view the extraordinary character of the pro- 
 phecies regarding it. During two thousand years prior to these 
 predictions Egypt had never been without a prince of its own ; 
 and how oppressive was its tyranny over Judea and the neigh- 
 boring nations ! It, however, was distinctly foretold that this 
 country of kings should no longer have one of its own that it 
 should be laid waste by the hand of strangers that it should be 
 a base kingdom, the basest of the base that it should never 
 again exalt itself among the nations that it should be a desola- 
 tion surrounded by desolation. Two thousand years have now 
 atforded their testimony to the infallibility of the Divine word, 
 and the evidence is still accumulative. " Its past and present 
 degeneracy bears not a more remote resemblance to the former 
 greatness and pride of its power, than the frailty of its mud-walled 
 fabric now bears to the stability of its imperishable pyramids." 
 But it should be remembered that there are other prophecies 
 concerning it which still await their fulfilment. " The whole 
 earth shall rejoice, and Egypt- shall not be for ever base. The 
 Lord shall smite Egypt ; he shall smite and heal it ; and they 
 phall return to the Lord, and he shall be entreated of them, and 
 t?hall heal them. In that day shall Isaac be the third with Egypt 
 and with Assyria, even a blessing in the midst of the land." Isa. 
 xix. 19 25. In regard to the present degree of political power 
 and importance to which the country has certainly aiisen under 
 Mjhammed Aly, (an importance unknown for many centuries,) 
 (he fact, as Mr. Keith observes in his valuable Evidence of Pro- 
 phecy, may possibly serve, at no distant period, to illustrate the 
 prediction which implies, that however base and degraded it 
 might be throughout many generations, it would, notwithstand-
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETILEA, ETC. 518 
 
 ing, have strength sufficient to be looked to for aid or protection, 
 even at the time of the restoration of the Jews to Judea, who 
 will seek " to strengthen themselves in the strength of Pharaoh, 
 and trust in the shadow of Egypt" How emphatically her pre- 
 sent feeble prosperity is, after all, but the shadow of the Egypt of 
 the Pharaohs, we leave to the explorer of her pyramids, the 
 wanderer among the tombs of her kings or the fragments of 
 her -Luxor and her Carnac. 
 
 At Djiddeh, formerly the capital of Upper Egypt and the 
 largest town on the Nile, Mr. Stephens encountered two large 
 boat-loads of slaves probably five, or six hundred collected at 
 Dongola and Sennaar. " In the East," he writes, " slavery ex- 
 ists now precisely as it did in the days of the patriarchs. The 
 slave is received into the family of a Turk, in a relation more 
 confidential and respectable than that of an ordinary domestic ; 
 and when liberated, which very often happens, stands upon the 
 same footing with a freeman. The curse does not rest upon 
 him for ever; he may sit at the same board, dip his hand in tho 
 same dish, and, if there are no other impediments, may marry 
 his master's daughter." 
 
 Morier says, in his Journey through Persia " The manners 
 of the East, amidst all the changes of government and religion, 
 are still the same. They are living impressions from an original 
 mould ; and, at every step, some object, some idiom, some dress, 
 or some custom of common life, reminds the traveller of ancient 
 times, and confirms, above all, the beauty, the accuracy, and the 
 propriety of the language and the history of the Bible." 
 
 Sir John Chardin, also, in the Preface to his Travels in Persia, 
 employs similar language: "And the learned, to whom I com- 
 municated my design, encouraged me very much by their com- 
 mendations to proceed in it ; and more especially when I in- 
 formed them that it is not in Asia, as in our Europe, where there 
 are frequent changes, more or less, in the form of things, as the 
 habits, buildings, gardens, and the like. In the East they are 
 constant in all things. The habits are at this day in the same 
 manner as in the precedent ages ; so that one may reasonably 
 believe that, in that part of the world, the exterior forms of 
 things (as their manners and customs) are the same now as they
 
 514 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^EA, ETC. 
 
 were two thousand years since, except in such changes a- have 
 been introduced by religion, which are, nevertheless, very ineon 
 siderable." 
 
 Nor is such striking testimony unsupported. From all sources 
 we derive evidence of the conformity, almost of the identity, of 
 the modern with the ancient usages of the East. This steadfast 
 resistance to innovation is a trait remarkably confined to the 
 regions of biblical history, and (it should not be doubted) will 
 remain in force until it shall have fulfilled all the important pur- 
 poses of biblical elucidation. Hereafter, when the ends of Prov- 
 idence shall be thoroughly answered, it will not fail to give way 
 before the influence of that very Word it has been instrumental 
 in establishing ; and the tide of civilization, which has hitherto 
 flowed continuously, from the rising to the setting sun, will be 
 driven back, with a partial ebb, into its original channels. 
 
 Returning from the cataracts, Mr. Stephens found himself 
 safely at Cairo, where terminated his journeyings upon the Nile. 
 He had passed " from Migdol to Syene, even unto the borders 
 of Ethiopia." In regard to the facilities, comforts, and minor 
 enjoyments of the voyage, he speaks of them in a manner so 
 favorable, that many of our young countrymen will be induced 
 to follow his example. It is an amusement, he says, even ridi- 
 culously cheap, and attended with no degree of danger. A boat 
 with ten men is procured for thirty or forty dollars a month, 
 fowls for three piastres a pair, a sheep for a half or three quar- 
 ters of a dollar, and eggs for the asking. " You sail under your 
 own country's banner ; and when you walk along the river, if 
 the Arabs look particularly black and truculent, you proudly 
 feel that there is safety in its folds." 
 
 We now approach what is by far the most interesting and the 
 most important portion of his tour. Mr. S. had resolved to visit 
 Mount Sinai, proceeding thence to the Holy Land. If he should 
 return to Suez, and thus cross the desert to FA Arich and Gaza, 
 he would be subjected to a quarantine of fourteen days on ac- 
 count of the plague in Egypt ; and this difficulty might be avoid- 
 ed by striking through the heart of the desert lying between 
 Mount Sinai and the frontier ol Palestine. This route was beset 
 with danger ; but, apart from the matter of avoiding quarantine,
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PET1LEA, ETC. 515 
 
 it had other strong temptations for the enterprise and enthusiasm 
 of the traveller temptations not to be resisted. " The route,'' 
 says Mr. Stephens, " was hitherto untravelled," and moreover, it 
 lay through a region upon which has long rested, and still rests, 
 a remarkable curse of the Divinity ; issued through the voices of 
 his prophets. We allude to the land of Idumea the Edom of 
 the Scriptures. Some English friends, who first suggested this 
 route to Mr. Stephens, referred him, for information concerning 
 it, to Keith on the Prophecies. Mr. Keith, as our readers are 
 aware, contends for the literal fulfilment of prophecy, and in the 
 treatise in question brings forward a mass of evidence, and a 
 world of argument, which we, at least, are constrained to consi- 
 der, as a whole, irrefutable. We look upon the literalness of the 
 understanding of the Bible predictions as an essential feature in 
 prophecy conceiving minuteness of detail to have been but a 
 portion of the providential plan of the Deity for bringing more 
 visibly to light, in after-ages, the evidence of the fulfilment of his 
 word. No general meaning attached to a prediction, no general 
 fulfilment of such prediction, could carry, to the reason of man- 
 kind, inferences so unquestionable, as its particular and minutely 
 incidental accomplishment. General statements, except in rare 
 instances, are susceptible of misinterpretation or misapplication : 
 details admit no shadow of ambiguity. That, in many striking 
 cases, the words of the prophets have been brought to pass in 
 every particular of a series of minutiae, whose very meaning was 
 unintelligible before the period of fulfilment, is a truth that few 
 are so utterly stubborn as to deny. We mean to say that, in 
 all instances, the most strictly literal interpretation will apply. 
 There is, no doubt, much unbelief founded upon the obscurity 
 of the prophetic expression ; and the question is frequently de- 
 manded " wherein lies the use of this obscurity ? why are not 
 the prophecies distinct ? These words, it is said, are incoherent, 
 unintelligible, and should be therefore regarded as untrue. That 
 many prophecies are absolutely unintelligible should not be de- 
 nied it is a part of their essence that they should be. The ob- 
 Bcurity, like the apparently irrelevant detail, has its object in the 
 providence of God. Were the words of inspiration, affording 
 insight into the events of futurity, at all times so pointedly clear
 
 516 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETILEA, ETC. 
 
 that he who rung might read, they would in many cases, ev.n 
 when fulfilled, afford a rational ground for unbelief in the inspi- 
 ration of their authors, and consequently in the whole truth of 
 revelation ; for it would be supposed that these distinct words, 
 exciting union and emulation among Christians, had thus beon 
 merely the means of working out their own accomplishment. 
 It is for this reason that the most of the predictions become in- 
 telligible only when viewed from the proper point of observation 
 the period of fulfilment. Perceiving this, the philosophical 
 thinker, and the Christian, will draw no argument from the ob- 
 scurity, against the verity of prophecy. Having seen palpably, 
 incontrovertibly fulfilled, even one of these many wonderful pre- 
 dictions, of whose meaning, until the day of accomplishment, he 
 could form no conception ; and having thoroughly satisfied him- 
 self that no human foresight could have been equal to such 
 amount of foreknowledge, he will await, in confident expectation, 
 that moment certainly to come when the darkness of the veiJ 
 shall be uplifted from the others.* 
 
 * We cannot do better than quote here the words of a writer in the Lon- 
 don Quarterly Review. " Twenty years ago we read certain portions of the 
 prophetic Scriptures with a belief that they were true, because other similar 
 passages had in the course of ages been proved to be so ; and we had an 
 indistinct notion that all these, to us obscure and indefinite denunciations, 
 had been we knew not very well when or how accomplished ; but to 
 have graphic descriptions, ground plans, and elevations showing the actual 
 existence of all the heretofore vague and shadowy denunciations of God 
 against Edom, does, we confess, excite our feelings, and exalt our confi- 
 dence in prophecy to a height that no external evidence has hitherto done." 
 
 Many prophecies, it should be remembered, are in a state of gradual fulfil- 
 ment a chain of evidence being thus made to extend throughout a long 
 series of ages, for the benefit of man at large, without being confined to one 
 epoch or generation, which would be the case in a fulfilment suddenly coming 
 to pass. Thus, some portion of the prophecies concerning Edom has refer- 
 ence to the year of recompense for the controversy of Sion. 
 
 One word in regard to the work of Keith. Since penning this article we 
 have been grieved to see, in a New York daily paper, some strictures on 
 this well-known treatise, which we think unnecessary, if not positively 
 unjust ; and which, indeed, are little more than a revival of the old story 
 trumped up for purposes of its own, and in the most bitter spirit of unfair- 
 ness, by the London Quarterly Review. We allude especially to the charga 
 of plagiarism from the work of Bishop Newton, It would be <juite as rca-
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^EA, ETC. 517 
 
 sonablc to accuse Dr. Webster of having stolen his Dictionary from Dr. 
 Johnson, or any other compiler of having plundered any other. But the 
 work of Keith, as we learn from himself, was written hastily, for the imme 
 diate service, and at the urgent solicitation, of a friend, whose faith wave/ed 
 in regard to the Evidences of Prophecy, and who applied to the author to 
 aid his unbelief with a condensed view of these Evidences. In the preface 
 of the book thus composed, with no view to any merits of authorship, and, 
 indeed, with none except that of immediate utility, there is found the fullest 
 disclaimer of all pretension to originality surely motives and circumstances 
 such as these should have sufficed to secure Dr. Keith from the unmeaning 
 charges of plagiarism, which have been so pertinaciously adduced ! We do 
 not mean to deny that, in the blindness of his zeal, and in the firm convic- 
 tion entertained by him of the general truth of his assumptions, he fre 
 quently adopted surmises as facts, and did essential injury to his cause by 
 carrying out his positions to an unwarrantable length. With all its inaccu- 
 racies, however, his work must still be regarded as one of the most import- 
 ant triumphs of faith, and, beyond doubt, as a most lucid and conclusive 
 train of argument. 
 
 Having expressed our belief in the literal fulfilment of pro- 
 phecy in all cases,* and having suggested, as one reason for the 
 non-prevalence of this belief, the improper point of view from 
 which we are accustomed to regard it, it remains to be seen what 
 were the principal predictions in respect to Idumea. 
 
 " From generation to generation it shall lie waste ; none shall 
 pass through it for ever and ever. But the cormorant and the 
 bittern shall possess it ; the owl also and the raven shall dwell in 
 it ; and he shall stretch out upon it the line of confusion and the 
 stones of emptiness. They shall call the nobles thereof to the 
 kingdom, but none shall be there, and all her princes shall be 
 nothing. And thorns shall come up in her palaces, nettles and 
 brambles in the fortresses thereof; and it shall be a habitation 
 for dragons and a court for owls. The wild beasts of the desert 
 shall alto meet with the wild beasts of the island, and the satyr 
 shall cry to his fellow ; the screech-owl also shall rest there, and 
 find for herself a place of rest. There shall the great owl make 
 her nest, and lay and hatch, and gather under her shadow ; there 
 shall the vultures also be gathered, every one with her mate. 
 Seek ye out of the Book of the Lord, and read ; no one of these 
 
 * Of course it will be understood that a proper allowance must be made 
 for the usual hyperbolical tendency of the language of the East.
 
 518 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^EA, ETC. 
 
 shall fail, none shall want her mate ; for my mouth it hath com- 
 manded, and his spirit it hath gathered them. And he hath cast 
 Ihe lot for them, and his hand hath divided it unto them byline! 
 they shall possess it for ever and ever, from generation to genera- 
 lion shall they dwell therein." Isaiah: xxxiv. 5, 10 17. "Thus 
 will I make Mount Seir most desolate, and cut off from it him 
 that passeth out and him that returneth" Ezekiel : xxxv. 7. 
 
 In regard to such of the passages here quoted as are not 
 printed in Italics, we must be content with referring to the trea- 
 tise of Keith already mentioned, wherein the evidences of the 
 fulfilment of the predictions in their most minute particulars are 
 gathered into one view. We may as well, however, present 
 here the substance of his observations respecting the words 
 " none shall pass through it for ever and ever," and " thus will I 
 make Mount Seir desolate, and cut off from it him that passeth 
 out and him that returneth." 
 
 He says that Volney, Burckhardt, Joliffe, Henniker, and Cap- 
 tains Irby and Mangles, adduce a variety of circumstances, all 
 conspiring to prove that Idumea, which was long resorted to 
 from every quarter, is so beset on every side with dangers to 
 the traveller, that literally none pass through it; that even the 
 Arabs of the neighboring regions, whose home is the desert, and 
 whose occupation is wandering, are afraid to enter it, or to con- 
 duct any within its borders. He says, too, that amid all this 
 manifold testimony to its truth, there is not, in any single in- 
 stance, the most distant allusion to the prediction that the evi- 
 dence is unsuspicious and undesigned. 
 
 A Roman road passed directly through Idumea from Jerusa- 
 lem to Akaba, and another from Akaba to Moab ; and when these 
 roads were made, at a time long posterior to the date of the 
 predictions, the conception could not have been formed, or held 
 credible by man, that the period would ever arrive when none 
 should pass through it. Indeed, seven hundred years after the 
 date of the prophecy, we are informed by Strabo that the roads 
 were actually in use. The prediction is yet more surprising, he 
 Bays, when viewed in conjunction with that which implies that 
 travellers should pass by Idumea " every one that goeth by 
 f>hall be astonished." The routes of the pilgrims from Damas-
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETRJEA, ETC. 519 
 
 cus, and from Cairo to Mecca, the one on the east and the other 
 towards the soutli of Edom, along the whole of its extent, go by 
 it, or touch partially on its borders, without going through it. 
 
 Not even, he says, the cases of Seetzen and Burckhardt can 
 be urged against the literal fulfilment, although Seetzen actually 
 did pass through Idumea, and Burckhardt traversed a consider- 
 able portion of it. The former died not long after the coiople- 
 tion of his journey ; and the latter never recovered from the 
 effects of the hardships endured on the route dying at Cairo. 
 "Neither of them," we have given the precise words of Mr. 
 Keith, ' : lived to return to Europe. I will cut off from Mount 
 Seir him that passeth out and him that returneth. Strabo men- 
 tions that there was a direct road from Petra to Jericho, of three 
 or four days' journey. Captains Irby and Mangles were eighteen 
 days in reaching it from Jerusalem. They did not pass through 
 Idumea, and they did return. Seetzen and Burckhardt did pass 
 through it, and they did not return." 
 
 " The words of the prediction," he elsewhere observes, " might 
 well be understood as merely implying that Idumea would cease 
 to be a thoroughfare for the commerce of the nations -which ad- 
 joined it, and that its highly-frequented marts would be forsaken 
 as centres of intercourse and trallic ; and easy would have been 
 Ihe task of demonstrating its truth in this limited sense which 
 skepticism itself ought not to be unwilling to authorize." 
 
 Here is, no doubt, much inaccuracy and misunderstanding; 
 and the exact boundaries of ancient Edom are, apparently, not 
 borne in mind by the commentator. Idumea proper was, strictly 
 speaking, only the mountainous tract of country east of the val- 
 ley of El-Ghor. The Idumeans, if we rightly apprehend, did 
 not get possession of any portion of the south of Judea till after 
 the exile, and consequently until after the prophecies in question. 
 They then advanced as far as Hebron, where they were arrested 
 by the Maccabees. That " Seetzen actually did pa^s through 
 Idumea," cannot therefore be asserted ; and thus much is in favor 
 of the whole argument of Dr. Keith, while in contradiction to a 
 
 O 
 
 branch of that argument. The traveller in question (see his 
 own Narrative,) pursuing his route on the east of the Dead Sea, 
 proce ;ded no farther in this direction than to Kerek, when he
 
 520 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA TETK/EA, ETC. 
 
 retraced his way afterwards going from Hebron to Monnl 
 Sinai, over the desert eastward of Edom. Neither is it stricily 
 correct that he " died not long after the completion of his jour- 
 ney." Several years afterwards he was actively employed in 
 Egypt, and finally died ; not from constitutional injury sustained 
 from any former adventure, but, if \ve remember, from the effects 
 of poison administered by his guide in a journey from Mocha 
 into the heart of Arabia. \Ve see no ground either for the state- 
 ment that Burckhardt owed his death to hardships endured in 
 ]dumea. Having visited Petra, and crossed the western desert 
 of Egypt in the year 1812, we find him, four years afterwards, 
 sufficiently well, at Mount Sinai. He did not die until the close 
 of 1817, and then of a diarrhoea brought about by the imprudent 
 use of cold water. 
 
 But let us dismiss these and some other instances of misstate- 
 ment. It should not be a matter of surprise that, perceiving, as 
 he no doubt did, the object of the circumstantiality of prophecy 
 clearly seeing in how many wonderful cases its minuthe had been 
 fulfilled, and withal being thoroughly imbued with a love of truth, 
 and with that zeal which is becoming in a Christian, Dr. Keith 
 should have plunged somewhat hastily or blindly into these in- 
 quiries, and pushed to an improper extent the principle for which 
 he contended. It should be observed that the passage cited just 
 above in regard to Seetzen and Burckhardt, is given in a foot- 
 note, and has the appearance of an after-thought, about whose 
 propriety its author did not feel perfectly content. It is cer- 
 tainly very difficult to reconcile the literal fulfilment of the pro- 
 phecy with an acknowledgment militating so violently against it 
 as we find in his own words " Seetzen actually did pass through 
 Idumea, and Burckhardt travelled through a considerable portion 
 of it." And what we are told subsequently in respect to Irby 
 and Mangles, and Seetzen and Burckhardt that these did net 
 pass through Idumea and did return, while those did pass through 
 and did not return where a passage from Ezekiel is brought to 
 sustain collaterally a passage from Isaiah is certainly not in 
 the spirit of literal investigation ; partaking, indeed, somewhat of 
 equivoque. 
 
 But in regard to the possibility of the actual passage through
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETIl<EA, ETC. 521 
 
 Edotn, we might now consider all ambiguity at an end, could we 
 fiufl'er ourselves to adopt the opinion of Mr. Stephens, that ho 
 himself had at length traversed the disputed region. What we 
 have said ahead) , however, respecting the proper boundaries of 
 that Idumea to which the prophecies have allusion, will assure 
 . lie reader that we cannot entertain this idea. It will be clearly 
 seen that he did not pass through the Edom of Ezekiel. That 
 lie might have done so, however, is sulficiently evident. The 
 indomitable perseverance which bore him up amid the hardships 
 ma uangers of the route actually traversed, would, beyond doubt, 
 have sufficed to ensure him a successful passage even through 
 Idumea the proper. And this we say, maintaining still an un- 
 hesitating belief in the literal understanding of the prophecies. 
 It is essential, however, that these prophecies be literally ren- 
 dered ; and it is a matter for regret as well as surprise, that Dr. 
 Keith should have failed to determine so important a point as 
 the exactness or falsity of the version of his text. This we v ;1> 
 now briefly examine. 
 Isaiah xxxiv. 10. 
 
 n^ab " For an eternity," 
 SST;X: " of eternities," 
 T>x " not," 
 "'y " moving about," 
 : rnn " in it." 
 
 " For an eternity of eternities (there shall) not (be any one) 
 moving about in it." The literal meaning of " Pi3 " is " in it" 
 not " through it." The participle " ^33> " refers to out moving 
 to nnd fro or up and down, and is the same term which is ren- 
 dered "current" as an epithet of money, in Genesis xxiii. 16 
 The prophet means that there shall be no marks of life in the 
 land, no living being there, no one moving up and down in it : 
 and are, of course, to be taken with the usual allowance for that 
 hyperbole which is a main feature, and indeed the genius of the 
 language. 
 
 Ezekiel xxxv. 7. 
 
 " and I will give," 
 "in"rs " the mountain,"'
 
 522 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR.ZEA, ETC. 
 
 -PSUJ Seir," 
 
 m^Tairb " for a desolation," 
 
 n^bsi " and a desolation," 
 
 ifi-crn "and I will cut off," 
 
 SISES " from it," 
 
 "OS " him that goeth," 
 
 3d} " and him that returneth." 
 
 "And I will give mount Seir for an utter desolation, and wiii 
 cut off from it him that passeth and repasseth therein." The 
 reference here r, the same as in the previous passage, and the 
 inhabitants of die land are alluded to as moving about therein, 
 and actively employed in the business of life. The meaning of 
 " passing and repassing" is sanctioned by Gesenius, s. v. vol. 2, 
 p. 570, Leo's Trans. Compare Zachariah vii. 14, and ix. 8. There 
 is something analogous in the Hebrew-Greek phrase, occurring 
 in Acts ix. 28. Kai J]V /u,er' airoJv eicrTropeuouevos KCU CKTroptvo/Jitvos 
 iv 'lfpovara.Xf]fj.. " And he was with them in Jerusalem coming 
 in and going out." The Latin " versatus est" conveys the mean- 
 ing precisely ; which is, that Saul, the new convert, was on inti- 
 mate terms with the true believers in Jerusalem, moving about 
 among them to and fro, or in and out. It is plain, therefore, that 
 the words of the prophets, in both cases, and when literally con- 
 strued, intend only to predict the general desolation and aban 
 donment of the land. Indeed, it should have been taken into 
 consideration, that a strict prohibition on the part of the Deity, 
 of an entrance into, or passage through, Idumea, would have 
 effectually cut off from mankind all evidence of this prior sen- 
 tence of desolation and abandonment; the prediction itself being 
 thus rendered a dead letter, when viewed in regard to its ulterior 
 and most important purpose the dissemination of the faith. 
 
 Mr. Stephens was strongly dissuaded from his design. Almost 
 the only person who encouraged him was Mr. Gliddon, our con- 
 sul ; and but for him the idea would have been abandoned. The 
 dangers indeed were many, and the difficulties more. By good 
 fortune, however, the sheik of Akaba was then at Cairo. The 
 great yearly caravan of pilgrims for Mecca was assembling be- 
 neath (he walls, and he had been summoned by the pacha to es- 
 cort and protect them through the desert as far as Akaba. Hfl
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETRJSA, ET'J. 523 
 
 was the chief of a powerful tribe of Bedouins, maintaining, in all 
 its vigor, the independence of their race, and bidding defiance to 
 the pacha, while they yielded him such obedience as comported 
 with their own immediate interests. 
 
 AVith this potentate our traveller entered into negotiation. 
 The precise service required of him was, to conduct Mr. Stephens 
 from Akaba to Hebron, through the land of Edom, diverging to 
 visit the excavated city of Petra, a journey of about ten days. 
 A very indefinite arrangement was at length made. Mr. Ste- 
 phens, after visiting Mount Sinai, was to repair to Akaba, where 
 lie would meet the escort of the Bedouin. With a view to pro- 
 tection on his way from Cairo to the Holy Mountain, the latter 
 gave him his signet, which he told him would be respected by 
 all Arabs on the route. 
 
 The arrangements for the journey as far as Mount Sinai had 
 been made for our traveller by Mr. Gliddon. A Bedouin was 
 procured as guide who had been with M. Laborde to Petra, and 
 whose faith, as well as capacity, could be depended upon. The 
 caravan consisted of eight camels and dromedaries, with three 
 young Arabs as drivers. The tent was the common tent of the 
 Egyptian soldiers, bought at the government factory, being very 
 light, ensily carried and pitched. The bedding was a mattress 
 and coverlet : provision, bread, biscuit, rice, macaroni, tea, coffee, 
 dried apricots, oranges, a roasted leg of mutton, and two large 
 skins containing the filtered water of the Nile. Thus equipped, 
 the party struck immediately into the desert lying between Cairo 
 and Suez, reaching the latter place, with but little incident, after 
 a journey of four clays. At Suez, our traveller, wearied with his 
 experiment of the dromedary, made an attempt to hire a boat, 
 with a view of proceeding down the Red Sea to Tor, supposed 
 to be the Elino, or place of palm-trees mentioned in the Exodus 
 of the Israelites, and only two days' journey from Mount Sinai. 
 The boats, however, were all taken by pilgrims, and none could 
 be procured at least for so long a voyage. He accordingly sent 
 off his camels round the head of the gulf, and crossing himself by 
 water, met them on the Petrean side of the sea. 
 
 " I am aware," says Mr. Stephens, " that there is some dispute 
 as to the precise spot where Moses crossed ; but having no time
 
 524 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR.EA, ETC. 
 
 lor skepticism on such matters, I began by making up my mind 
 that this was the place, and then looked around to see whether, 
 according to the account given in the Bible, the face of the coun- 
 try and the natural landmarks did not sustain my opinion. I 
 remember I looked up to the head of the gulf, where Suez or 
 Kolsum now stands, and saw that almost to the very head of the 
 gulf there was a high range of mountains which it would be ne- 
 cessary to cross, an undertaking which it would have been phy- 
 sically impossible for 600,000 people, men, women, and children 
 to accomplish, with a hostile army pursuing them. At Suez, 
 Moses could not have been hemmed in as he was ; he could g_o 
 otf into the Syrian desert, or, unless the sea has greatly changed 
 since that time, round the head of the gulf. But here, directly 
 opposite where I sat, was an opening in the mountains, making 
 a clear passage from the desert to the shore of the sea. It is 
 admitted that from the earliest history of the country, there was 
 a caravan route from the Kameseh of the Pharaohs to this spot, 
 and it was perfectly clear to my mind that, if the account be true 
 at all, Moses had taken that route ; that it was directly opposite 
 me, between the two mountains, whei'e he had come down 
 with his multitude to the shore, and that it was there he had 
 found himself hemmed in, in the manner described in the Bible, 
 with the sea before him, and the army of Pharaoh in his rear ; it 
 was there he stretched out his hand and divided the waters ; 
 ajid probably on the very spot where I sat the children of Israel 
 had kneeled upon the sands to offer thanks to God for his mira- 
 culous interposition. The distance, too, was in confirmation of 
 this opinion. It was about twenty miles across : the distance 
 which that immense multitude, with their necessary baggage, 
 could have passed in the space of time (a night) mentioned in 
 the Bible. Besides my own judgment and conclusions, I had 
 authority on the spot, in my Bedouin Toualeb, who talked of it 
 with as much certainty as it' he had seen it himself; and by the 
 waning light of the moon, pointed out the metes and bounds 
 according to the tradition received from his fathers." 
 
 Mr. Stephens is here greatly in error, and has placed himself 
 in direct opposition to all authority on the subject. It is quite 
 evident, that since the days of the miracle, the sea has ' greutly
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETILEA, ETC. 535 
 
 .hanged" round the head of the gulf. It is now several feet 
 lower, as appears from the alluvial condition of several bitter 
 lakes in the vicinity. On this topic Niebuhr, who examined the 
 matter with his accustomed learning, acumen, and perseverance 
 is indisputable authority. But he merely agrees with all the 
 most able writers on this head. The passage occurred at Suez. 
 The chief arguments sustaining this position are deduced from 
 the ease by which the miracle could have been wrought, on a 
 sea so shaped, by means of a strong wind blowing from the north- 
 east. 
 
 Resuming his journey to the southward, our traveller passed 
 safely through a barren and mountainous region, bare of verdure, 
 and destitute of water, in about seven days to Mount Sinai. It 
 is to be regretted, that in his account of a country so little tra- 
 versed as this peninsula, Mr. Stephens has not entered more into 
 detail. Upon his adventures at the Holy Mountain, which are 
 of great interest, he dwells somewhat at length. 
 
 At Akaba he met the Sheik as by agreement. A horse of the 
 best breed of Arabia was provided, and, although suffering from 
 ill health, he proceeded manfully through the desert to Petra and 
 Mount Ilor. The difficulties of the route proved to be chiefly 
 those arising from the rapacity of his friend, the Slieik of Akaba, 
 who threw a thousand impediments in his way with the purpose 
 of magnifying the importance of the service rendered, and ob- 
 taining, in consequence, the larger allowance of bucksheesh. 
 
 The account given of Petra agrees in all important particulars 
 with those rendered by the very few travellers who had previ- 
 ously visited it. With these accounts our readers are sufficiently 
 acquainted. The singular character of the city, its vast antiquity, 
 its utter loss, for more than a thousand years, to the eyes of the 
 civilized world ; and, above all, the solemn denunciations of pro- 
 phecy regarding it, have combined to invest these ruins with an 
 interest beyond that of any others in existence, and to render 
 what has been written concerning them familiar knowledge to 
 nearly every individual who reads. 
 
 Leaving Petra, after visiting Mount Ilor, Mr. Stephens re- 
 turned to the valley of El-Ghor, and fell into the caravan route 
 for Ga/a, which crosses the valley obliquely Coming out from
 
 526 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETR^EA ETC. 
 
 the ravine among the mountains to the westward, he here left 
 the road to Gaza, and pushed immediately on to Hebron. This 
 distance (between the Gaza route and Hebron) is, we believe, 
 the only positively new route accomplished by our American 
 tourist. We understand that, in 1826, Messieurs Strangewaya 
 and Anson passed over the ground, on the Gaza road from Petra, 
 to the point where it deviates for Hebron. On the part of Mr. 
 Stephens's course, which we have thus designated as new, it is 
 well known that a great public road existed in the later days of 
 the Roman empire, and that several cities were located immedi- 
 ately upon it. Mr. Stephens discovered some ruins, but his state 
 of health, unfortunately, prevented a minute investigation. Those 
 which he encountered are represented as forming rude and shape- 
 less masses ; there were no columns, no blocks of marble, or other 
 large stones, indicating architectural greatness. The Pentinger 
 Tables place Helusa in this immediate vicinity, and, but for the 
 character of the ruins seen, we might have supposed them to be 
 the remnants of that city. 
 
 The latter part of our author's second volume is occupied with 
 his journeyings in the Holy Land, and, principally, with an ac- 
 count of his visit to Jerusalem. What relates to the Dead Sea 
 we are induced to consider as, upon the whole, the most interest- 
 ing, if not the most important portion of his book. It was his 
 original intention to circumnavigate this lake, but the difficulty 
 of procuring a boat proved an obstacle not to be surmounted. 
 He traversed, nevertheless, no little extent of its shores, bathed 
 in it, saw distincly that the Jordan does mingle with its waters, 
 and that birds floated upon it, and flew over its surface. 
 
 But it is time that we conclude. Mr. Stephens passed through 
 Samaria and Galilee, stopping at Nablous, the ancient Sychem ; 
 the burial-place of the patriarch Joseph ; and the ruins of Se- 
 baste ; crossed the battle-plain of Jezreel; ascended Mount Ta- 
 bor ; visited Nazareth, the lake of Genesareth, the cities of Tibe- 
 rias and Saphet, Mount Carmel, Acre, Sour, and Sidon. At 
 Beyroot he took passage for Alexandria, and thence, finally re 
 turned to Europe. 
 
 The volumes are written in general with a freedom, a frank- 
 ness, and an utter absence of pretension, which will secure, them
 
 REVIEW OF STEPHENS' ARABIA PETRjEA, ETC. 527 
 
 the respect and good-will of all parties. The author professes 
 to have compiled his narrative merely from " brief notes and re- 
 collections," admitting that he has probably fallen into errors re- 
 garding facts and impressions errors he has been prevented 
 from seeking out and correcting by the urgency of other occupa- 
 tions since his return. We have, therefore, thought it quite as 
 well not to trouble our readers, in this cursory review, with re- 
 ferences to parallel travels, now familiar, and \\hose merits and 
 demerits are sufficiently well understood. 
 
 We take leave of Mr. Stephens with sentiments of hearty 
 respect. We hope it is not the last time we shall hear from 
 him. He is a traveller with whom we shall like to take oilier 
 journeys. Equally free from the exaggerated sentimentality 
 of Chateaubriand, or the sublimated, the too French enthusiasm 
 of Lamartine on the one hand, and on the other from the degrad- 
 ing spirit of utilitarianism, which sees in mountains and water- 
 falls only quarries and manufacturing sites, Mr. Stephens writes 
 like a man of good sense and sound feeling.
 
 MAGAZINE-WRITING.-PETEB SNOOK. 
 
 IN a late number of the Democratic Review, there appeared 
 a very excellent paper (by Mr. Duyckinck) on the subject of 
 Magazine Literature a subject much less thoroughly compre- 
 hended here than either in France or in England. In America, 
 we compose, now and then, agreeable essays and other matters 
 of that character but we have not yet caught the true Magazine 
 spirit a thing neither to be defined nor described. Mr. Duyck- 
 inck's article, although piquant, is not altogether to our mind. 
 We think he places too low an estimate on the capability of the 
 Magazine paper. He is inclined to undervalue its power to 
 limit unnecessarily its province which is illimitable. In fact, it 
 is in the extent of subject, and not less in the extent or variety of 
 tone, that the French and English suipass us, to so good a pur- 
 pose.- How very rarely are we struck with an American Maga- 
 zine article, as with an absolute novelty how frequently the 
 foreign articles so affect us ! We are so circumstanced as to be 
 unable to pay for elaborate compositions and, after all, the true 
 invention is elaborate. There is no greater mistake than the 
 supposition that a true originality is a mere matter of impulse or 
 inspiration. To originate, is carefully, patiently, and understand- 
 ingly to combine. The few American Magazinists who ever 
 think of this elaboration at all, cannot afford to carry it into 
 practice for the paltry prices offered them by our periodical 
 publishers. For this and other glaring reasons, we are behind 
 the age in a very important branch of literature a branch which, 
 moreover, is daily growing in importance and which, in the end
 
 MAGAZINE-WRITING PETER SNOOK. 529 
 
 (not far distant), will be the most influential of all the departments 
 of Letters. 
 
 We are lamentably deficient, not only in invention proper, but 
 in that which is, more strictly, art. What American, for instance, 
 in penning a criticism, ever supposes himself called upon to pre- 
 sent his readers with more than the exact stipulation of his title 
 to present them with a criticism and something beyond? Who 
 thinks of making his critique a work of art in itself indepen- 
 dently of its critical opinions? a work of art, such as are all the 
 more elaborate, and most effective reviews of Macaulay ? Yet, 
 these reviews we have evinced no incapacity to appreciate, when 
 presented. The best American review ever penned is miserably 
 ineffective when compared with the notice of Montagu's Bacon 
 and yet this latter is, in general, a piece of tawdry sophistry, 
 owing everything to a consummate, to an exquisite arrangement 
 to a thorough and just sufficiently comprehensive diffuseness 
 to a masterly climating of points to a style which dazzles the 
 understanding with its brilliancy but not more than it misleads 
 it by its perspicuity causing us so distinctly to comprehend that 
 we fancy we coincide in a word, to the perfection of art of all 
 the art which a Macaulay can wield, or which is applicable to any 
 criticism that a Macaulay could write. 
 
 It is, however, in the composition of that class of Magazine 
 papers which come, properly, under the head of Tales, that we 
 evince the most remarkable deficiency in skill. If we except, 
 first, Mr. Hawthorne rsecondly, Mr. Simms thirdly, Mr. Wil- 
 lis and fourthly, one or two others, whom we may as well put 
 mentally together without naming them there is not even a 
 respectably skilful tale-writer on this side the Atlantic. We 
 have seen, to be sure, many very well-constructed stories indi- 
 vidual specimens the work of American Magazinists; but these 
 specimens have invariably appeared to be happy accidents of 
 construction ; their authors, in subsequent tales, having always 
 evinced an incapacity to construct. 
 
 We have been led to a comparison of the American witli the 
 British ability in tale-writing, by a perusal of some Magazine 
 papers, the composition of the author of " Chartley," and " The 
 Invisible Gentleman." He is one of the best of the English
 
 530 MAGAZINE-WRITING- PETER SNOOK. 
 
 journalists, and has some of the happiest peculiarities of Dickens, 
 whom he preceded in the popular favor. The longest and best 
 of his tales, properly so called, is " Peter Snook," and this pre- 
 sents so many striking points for the consideration of the Maga- 
 zinist, that we feel disposed to give an account of it in full. 
 
 Peter Snook, the hero, and the beau ideal of a Cockney, is a 
 retail linen-draper in Bi.shopgate street. He is, of course, u 
 stupid and conceited, although, at bottom, a very good little 
 fellow, and " always looks as if he was frightened." Matters go 
 on very thrivingly with him, until he becomes acquainted with 
 Miss Clarinda Bodkin, " a young lady owning to almost thirty, 
 and withal a great proficient in the mysteries of millinery and 
 mantua-making." Love and ambition, however, set the little 
 gentleman somewhat beside himself. " If Miss Clarinda would 
 but have me," says he, " we might divide the shop, and have a 
 linen-drapery side, and a haberdashery and millinery side, and 
 one would help the other. There'd be only one rent to pay, and 
 a double business and it would be so comfortable, too !" Think- 
 ing thus, Peter commences a flirtation, to which Miss Clarinda 
 but doubtfully responds. He escorts the lady to White Conduit 
 House, Bagnigge Wells, and other genteel places of public resort 
 and, finally, is so rash as to accede to the proposition, on her 
 part, of a trip to Margate. At this epoch of the narrative, the 
 writer observes that the subsequent proceedings of the hero are 
 gathered from accounts rendered by himself, when called upon, 
 after the trip, for explanation. 
 
 It is agreed that Miss Clarinda shall set out alone for Margate 
 Mr. Snook following her, after some indispensable arrange- 
 ments. These occupy him until the middle of July, at which 
 period, taking passage in the " Rose in June," he safely reaches 
 his destination. But various misfortunes here await him, mis- 
 fortunes admirably adapted to the meridian of Cockney feeling, 
 and the capacity of Cockney endurance. His umbrella, for 
 example, and a large brown paper parcel, containing a new pea- 
 green coat and flower-patterned embroidered silk waistcoat, arc 
 tumbled into the water at the landing-place, and Miss Bodkin 
 forbids him her presence in his old clothes. By a tumble of his 
 own, too, the skin is rubbed from both his shin for several
 
 MAGAZINE-WRITING PETER SNOOK. 531 
 
 inches, and the surgeon, having no regard to the lover's cotillon 
 engagements, enjoinj on him a total abstinence from dancing. A 
 cock-chafer, moreover, is at the trouble of flying into one of his 
 eyes, and (worse than all) a tall military-looking shoemaker, 
 Mr. Last, has taken advantage of the linen-draper's delay in 
 reaching Margate, to ingratiate himself with his mistress. Finally, 
 he is cut by Last, and rejected by the lady, and has nothing left 
 for it, but to secure a homeward passage in the " Rose in June." 
 
 In the evening of the second day after his departure, the vessel 
 drops anchor off Greenwich. Most of the passengers go ashore, 
 with the view of taking the stage to the city. Peter, however, 
 who considers that he has already spent money enough to no 
 purpose, prefers remaining on board. '' We shall get to Billings- 
 gate," says he, " while I am sleeping, and I shall have plenty of 
 time to go home and dress, and go into the city and borrow the 
 trifle I may want for Pester and Company's bill, that comes due 
 the day after to-morrow." This determination is a source of 
 much trouble to our hero, as will be seen in the sequel. Some 
 shopmen who remain with him in the packet, tempt him to un- 
 usual indulgences, in the way, first, of brown stout, and, secondly, 
 of positive French brandy. The consequence is, that Mr. Snook 
 falls, thirdly, asleep, and, fourthly, overboard. 
 
 About dawn on the morning after this event, Ephraim Hob>on, 
 the confidential clerk and factotum of Mr. Peter Snook, is dis- 
 turbed from a sound sleep by the sudden appearance of his mas- 
 ter. That gentleman seems to be quite in a bustle, and delights 
 Ephraim with an account of a whacking wholesale order for 
 exportation just received. " Not a word to anybody about the 
 matter !" exclaims Peter, with unusual emphasis. " It's such an 
 opportunity as don't come often in a man's life-time. There's a 
 captain of a ship he's the owner of her, too; but never mind! 
 there an't time to enter into particulars now, but you'll know all 
 by and bye all you have to do, is to do as I tell you so, come 
 along !" 
 
 Setting Ephraim to work, with direction:- to pack up imme- 
 diately all the goods in the shop, with the exception of a few 
 trifling articles, the master avows his intention of going into the 
 city, " to borrow enough money to make up Fester's bill, due to-
 
 532 MAGAZINE-WRITING PETER SNOOK. 
 
 morrow." "I don't think you'll want much, Sir," replied Mr 
 Ilobsoa with a self-complacent air. " I've been looking about 
 long-winded 'uns, you see, since you've been gone, and I've got 
 Shy's money and Slack's account, which we'd pretty well given 
 up for a bad job, and one or two more. There, there's the list 
 and there's the key to the strong box, where you'll find the 
 money, besides what I've took at the counter." Peter, at this, 
 seems well pleased, and shortly afterwards goes out, saying, he 
 cannot tell when he'll be back, and, giving directions that what- 
 ever goods may be sent in during his absence, shall be left un- 
 touched till his return. 
 
 It appears that, after leaving his shop, Mr. Snook proceeded 
 to tliat of Jobb, Flashbill & Co., (one of whose clerks, on board 
 the " Rose in June," had been very liberal in supplying our hero 
 Avilh brandy on the night of his ducking.) looked over a large 
 quantity of ducks and other goods, and finally made purchase of 
 " a choice assortment," to be delivered the same day. His next 
 visit was to Mr. Bluff, the managing partner in the banking- 
 house where he usually kept his cash. His business now was to 
 request permission to overdraw a hundred pounds for a f<:w 
 days. 
 
 " Humph, 1 ' said Mr. Bluff", " money is very scarce ; but Bless me ! yes 
 it's lie! Excuse me a minute, Mr. Snook, there's a gentleman at the 
 front counter whom I want particularly to speak to I'll be back with you 
 directly." As he uttered these words, he rushed out, and, in passing one 
 of the clerks on his way forward, he whispered, " Tell Scribe to look at 
 Snook's account, and lot me know directly." He, then, went to the front 
 counter, where several people were waiting to pay and receive money. 
 " Fine weather this, Mr. Butt. What ! you're not out of town like the rest 
 of them !" 
 
 " No." replied Mr. Butt, who kept a thriving gin-shop, " no, I sticks to 
 .my business make hay while the sun shines that's my maxim. Wife up 
 at night I" up early in the morning." 
 
 The banker chatted and listened with great apparent interest, till the 
 rlosing of a huge book on which he kept his eye, told him that his whispered 
 order had been attended to. He then took a gracious leave of Mr. Butt, 
 and returned back to the counting-house with a slip of paper, adroitly put in 
 his hand while passing, on which was written, " Peter Snook, Linen Draper, 
 Bishopgate Street old account increasing gradually balance: 153 15s. 
 Cif. very regular." " Sorry to keep you wai'.ing, Mr. Snook," said he, " but
 
 MAGAZINE-WETTING PETER SNOOK. 533 
 
 ivc must catch people when we can. Well, what is it you wore saying you 
 wanted us to do T' 
 
 " I should like to be able to overdraw just for a few days," replied Peter 
 
 " How much 1" 
 
 " A hundred." 
 " Won't fifty do 1" 
 
 " No, not quite, sir." 
 
 ' Well, you're an honest fellow, and don't come bothering us often ; so, I 
 sippose we must not be too particular with you for this once." 
 
 Leaving Bluff, Mr. Snook hurries to overtake Mr. Butt, the 
 dealer in spirits, who had just left the banking-house before 
 himself, and to give that gentleman an order for a hogshead of 
 the best gin. As he is personally unknown to Mr. Butt, he hands 
 him a card, on which is written, " Peter Snook, linen and muslin 
 ware house, No. , Bishopgate Street within," &c., &c., and 
 takes occasion to mention that he purchases at the recommenda- 
 tion of Mr. Bluif. The gin is to be at Queenhithe the same even- 
 ing. The spirit-dealer, as soon as his new customer has taken 
 leave, revolves in his mind the oddity of a linen draper's buying 
 a hogshead of gin, and determines to satisfy himself of Mr. 
 Snook's responsibility by a personal application to Mr. Bluif. 
 On reaching the bank, however, he is told by the clerks that 
 Mr. Bluff, being in attendance upon a committee of the House 
 of Commons, will not be home in any reasonable time but also 
 that Peter Snook is a perfectly safe man. The gin is according- 
 ly sent ; and several other large orders for different goods, upon 
 other houses, are promptly fulfilled in the same manner. Mean- 
 time, Ephraini is busily engaged at home in receiving and 
 inspecting the invoices of the various purchases as they arrive, 
 at which employment he is occupied until dusk, when his master 
 makes his appearance in unusually high spirits. We must here 
 be pardoned for copying some passages : 
 
 " Well, Ephraim," he exclaimed, " this looks something like business 
 You havn't had such a job this many a day! Shop looks well now, eh?" 
 
 " You know best, sir," replied Hobson. " But hang me if I an't frighten 
 ed. When we shall sell all these goods. I'm sure I can't think. You talked 
 of having a haberdashery side to the shop ; but if we go on at (his rate, we 
 shall want another side for ourselves ; I'm sure I don't know where His* 
 is to bo put."
 
 r>U MAGAZINE-WRITING I'ETEIl SNOOK. 
 
 "She go to Jericho !" said Peter contemptuously. " As for the goods, 
 ray boy, they'll be gone before to-morrow morning. All you and I have jjot 
 to do, is to pack 'em up ; so, let us turn to, and strap at it." 
 
 Packing was Ephraim's favorite employment, but, on the present occasion, 
 he set to work with a heavy heart. His master, on the contrary, appeared 
 full of life and spirits, and corded boxes, sewed up trusses, and packed huge 
 paper parcels with a celerity and an adroitness truly wonderful. 
 
 ' Why, you don't get on, Hobsun." he exclaimed ; " see what I've done ! 
 Where's the ink-pot ] ; oh, here it is !" and he proceeded to mark his packagoa 
 with his initials, and the letter G below. " There, >r he resumed, " P. S. G. ; 
 that's for me, at Gravesend. I'm to meet the Captain and owner there , 
 show the goods if there's any he don't like, shall bring 'em back with me ; 
 get bills bankers' acceptances for the rest ; see 'cm safe on board ; then- 
 bat not before, mind that, Master Ephraim ! No, no, keep my weather eye 
 open, as the men say on board the " Rose in June." By-t'he-bye, I havn't 
 told you yet about my falling overboard, whap into the river." 
 
 " Falling overboard !" exclaimed the astonished shopman, quitting his 
 occupation to stand erect and listen. 
 
 " Ay, ay," continued Peter ' see it won't do to tell you long stories now. 
 There mark that truss, will you 1 Know all about it some day. Lucky 
 job, though tell you that : got this thundering order by it. Had one 
 tumble, first, going off, at Margate. Spoilt my peagreen never mind 
 that was a lucky tumble, too. Hadn't been for that, shouldn't so soon have 
 found out the game a certain person was playing with me. 'She go to 
 Jericho !" 
 
 But for the frequent repetition of this favorite expression, Ephraim Hob- 
 son has since declared he should have doubted his master's identity during 
 the whole of that evening, as there was something very singular about him . 
 and his strength and activity in moving the bales, boxes, and trusses, were 
 such as he had never previously exhibited. The phrase condemning this 
 that, or the other thing or person to " go to Jericho." was the only expres- 
 sion that he uttered, as the shopman said, '' naturally," and Peter repeated 
 that whimsical anathema as often as usual. 
 
 The goods' being all packed up, carts arrive to carry them 
 away ; and, by half-past ten o'clock, the shop is entirely cleared, 
 with the exception of some trifling articles, to make show on ihe 
 shelves and counters. Two hackney coaches are called. Mr. 
 i'eter Snook gets into one with a variety of loose articles, which 
 would require too much time to pack, and his shopman info : 
 another with some more. Arriving at Queenhithe, they find all 
 (he goods previously sent, already embarked in the hold of a long- 
 decked barge, which lies near the shore. Mr. Snook now insists 
 apon Ephraim's going on board, and taking supper and some hot
 
 MAGAZINE-WRITING PETER SXOOK. 533 
 
 rum and water. This advice he follows to so good purpose, that 
 he is, at length, completely bewildered, when his master, taking 
 him up in his arms, carries him on shore, and there, setting him 
 down, leaves him to make the best of his way home as he can. 
 
 About eight, the next morning, Ephraim, awaking, of course, 
 in a sad condition, both of body and mind, sets himself imme- 
 diately about arranging the appearance of the shop, " so as to 
 secure the credit of the concern." In spite of all his ingenuity, 
 however, it maintains a poverty-stricken appearance, which 
 circumstance excites some most unreasonable suspicions in the 
 mind of Mr. Bluff's clerk, upon his calling at ten, with Pestet 
 & Co.'s bill, (three hundred and sixteen pounds, seventeen 
 shillings,) and receiving, by way of payment, a check upon his 
 own banking house for the amount Mr. Snook having written 
 this check before his departure with the goods, and left it with 
 Ephraim. On reaching the bank, therefore, the clerk inquires 
 if Peter Snook's check is good for three hundred and sixteen 
 pounds odd, and is told that it is not worth a farthing, Mr. S. 
 having overdrawn for a hundred. While Mr. Bluff and his as- 
 sistants are conversing on this subject, Butt, the gin-dealer, calls 
 to thank the banker for having recommended him a customer 
 which the banker denies having done. An explanation ensues, 
 and " stop thief!" is the cry. Ephraim is sent for, and reluctant- 
 ly made to tell all he knows of his master's proceedings on the 
 day before by which means a knowledge is obtained of the 
 other houses, who (it is supposed) have been swindled. Getting 
 a description of the barge which conveyed the goods from Queen- 
 bkhe, the whole party of the creditors now set off in pursuit. 
 
 About dawn, the next morning, they overtake the barge, a 
 little below Gravesend when lour men are observed leaving 
 her, and rowing to the shore in a skiff. Peter Snook is found 
 sitting quietly in the cabin, and, although apparently a little 
 surprised at seeing Mr. Pester, betrays nothing like embarrass- 
 ment or fear. 
 
 ''Ah, Mr. Pester! is it you? Glad to sec you, sir! So you've been 
 taking a trip out o' town, and are going back with usl We shall get to 
 Billingsgate between eight and nine, they say ; and I hope it won't be later ( 
 as I've a bill of yours comes due to-day, and 1 want to be at home in time U 
 write a check for it." ,
 
 536 MAGAZINE-WRITINGPETER SNOOK. 
 
 Tlw goods are also found on board, together with three men in 
 the huld, gagged and tied hand and foot. They give a strange 
 account of themselves. Being in the employ of Mr. Heaviside, 
 a lighterman, they were put in charge of " The Flitter," when 
 she was hired by Peter Snook, for a trip to Gravesend. Accord- 
 ing to their orders, they took the barge, in the first instance, to a 
 wharf, near Queenhithe, and helped to load her with some goods 
 brought down in carts. Mr. Snook, afterwards, came on board, 
 bringing with him two fierce looking men, and " a little man with 
 a hooked nose." (Ephraim.) Mr. S. and the little man, then, 
 "had a sort of jollification" in the cabin, till the latter got drunk 
 and was carried ashore. They then proceeded down the river 
 nothing particular occurring till they had passed Greenwich 
 Hospital, when Mr. S. ordered them to lay the barge alongside a 
 large black-sided ship. No sooner was the order obeyed than 
 they were boarded by a number of men from said ship, who 
 seized them, bound them, gagged them and put them in the 
 hold. 
 
 The immediate consequence of this information is, that Peter 
 is bound, gagged, and put down into the hold in the same man- 
 Tier, by way of retaliation, and for safe keeping on his way back 
 to the city. On the arrival of the party, a meeting of the credi- 
 tors is called. Peter appears before them in a great rage, and 
 with the air of an injured man. Indeed, his behavior is so mal 
 a propos to his situation as entirely to puzzle his interrogators. 
 He accuses the whole party of a conspiracy. 
 
 '' Peter Snook," said Mr. Poster solemnly, from the chair, -'that look does 
 not become you after what has passed. Let me advise you to conduct your- 
 self with propriety. You will find that the best policy, depend on't. 1 ' 
 
 " A pretty thing for you, for to come to talk of propriety !" exclaimed 
 Peter; ' you, that seed me laid hold on by a set of ruffians, and never said 
 a word, nor given information a'terwards ! And here have I been kept away 
 from business I don't know how long, and shut up like a dog in a kennel ; 
 hut I look upon't you were at the bottom of it all you and that fellow with 
 the plum-pudding face, as blowed me up about a cask of gin ! What you 
 both mean by it, I can't think ; but if there's any law in the land, I'll make 
 you remember it, both of you that's what I will !" . 
 
 Mr. Snook swears that he never saw Jobb in his life, except
 
 MAGAZINE-WRITINGPETER SNOOK. 587 
 
 on the occasion of his capture in " The Flitter," and positively 
 denies having looked out any parcel of goods at the house of 
 Jobb, Flashbill & Co. With the banker, Mr. Bluff, he acknow- 
 ledges an acquaintance but not having drawn for the two hun- 
 dred and seventy pounds odd, or having ever overdrawn for a 
 shilling in his life. Moreover, he is clearly of opinion that the 
 banker has still in his hands more than a hundred and fifty 
 pounds of his (Mr. Snook's) money. He can designate several 
 gentlemen as being no creditors of his, although they were of the 
 number of those from whom his purchases had been made for 
 the " whacking " shipping out, and although their goods were 
 found in " The Flitter." E)phraim is summoned, and testifies to 
 all the particulars of his master's return, and the subsequent 
 packing, cart-loading, and embarkation as already told account- 
 ing for the extravagances of Mr. Snook as being " all along of 
 that Miss Bodkin." 
 
 'Lor 1 , master, hi's glad to see you agin," exclaimed Ephrahn. "Who'd 
 ha' thought as 'twould come to this ?" 
 
 ''Come to what]" cried Peter. ' I'll make 'em repent of it, every man 
 Jack of em, before I've done, if there's law to be had for love or money !'' 
 
 " Ah. sir," said Ephraim, '* we'd better have stuck to the retail. I was 
 afraid that shipping consarn wouldn't answer, and tell'd you so. if you re 
 collect, but you wouldn't harken to me." 
 
 " What shipping concern !" inquired Peter, with a look of amazement. 
 
 "La ! master," exclaimed Ephraim, " it aint of any use to pretend to keep 
 \t a secret now, when everybody knows it. I didn't tell Mr. Pester, though, 
 '.ill the last, when all the goods was gone out of the shop, and the sheriff's 
 <jflicers had come to take possession of the house." 
 
 " Sheriff's officers in possession of my house !" roared Peter. "All the 
 goods gone out of the shop ! What do you mean by that, you rascal ! 
 What have you been doing in my absence 1" And he sprang forward furi- 
 ously, and seized the trembling shopman by the collar with a degree of vio- 
 lence which rendered it difficult for the two officers in attendance to disen- 
 gage him from his hold. 
 
 Hereupon, Mr. Snap, the attorney retained by the creditors, 
 harangues the company at some length, and intimates that Mr. 
 S:iook is either mad or acting the madman for the purpose of 
 evading punishment. A practitioner from Bedlam is sent for, 
 and some artifices resorted to but to no purpose". It is found
 
 5o8 MAGAZINE- WRITING PETER SNOOK. 
 
 impossible to decide upon the question of sanity. The medical 
 gentleman, in his report to the creditors, confesses himself utterly 
 perplexed, and, without giving a decision, details the particulars 
 of a singular story told him by Mr. Snook himself, concerning 
 the mode of his escape from drowning after he fell overboard 
 from the " Rose in June." (i It is a strange, unlikely tale to be 
 sure," says the physician, " and if his general conversation was 
 of that wild, imaginative, flighty kind which I have so often wit- 
 nessed, I should say it was purely ideal ; but he appears such a 
 plain-spoken, simple sort of a person, that it is difficult to con- 
 ceive how he could invent such a fiction." Mr. Snook's narra- 
 tion is then told, not in his very words, but in the author's own 
 way. with all the particulars obtained from Peter's various reci- 
 tations.. We give it only in brief. 
 
 Upon tumbling overboard, Mr. Snook (at least according to 
 his own story) swam courageously as long as he could. He was 
 upon the point of sinking, however, when an oar was thrust under 
 his arm, and he found himself lifted in a boat by a " dozen dark- 
 looking men." He is taken on board a large ship, and the cao- 
 tain, who is a droll genius, and talks in rhyme somewhat after 
 the fashion of the wondrous Tale of Alroy, entertains him with 
 great cordiality, dresses him in a suit of his own clothes, makes 
 him drink in the first place, a brimmer of " something hot," and 
 afterwards plies him with wines and cordials of all kinds, at a 
 supper of the most magnificent description. Warmed in body 
 and mind by this excellent cheer, Peter reveals his inmost secrets 
 to his host, and talks freely and minutely of a thousand things ; 
 of his man Ephraim and his oddities ; of his bank account ; of his 
 great credit ; of his adventures with Miss Bodkin ; of his pros- 
 pects in trade ; and especially of the names, residences, etc. etc., 
 of the wholesale houses with whom he is in the habit of dealing. 
 Presently, being somewhat overcome with wine, he goes to bed 
 at the suggestion of the captain, who promises to call him in sea- 
 eon for a boat in the morning, which will convey him to Billings- 
 gate in full time f( r Pester and Co.'s note. How long he slept is 
 uncertain but when he awoke a great change was observable in 
 the captain's manner, who was somewhat brusque, and handed 
 him over the ship's side into the barge where he was discovered
 
 MAGAZINE-WRITING-PETER SNOOK. 539 
 
 by the creditors in pursuit, and which he was assured would con 
 vey him to Billingsgate. 
 
 This relation, thus succinctly given by us, implies little or 
 nothing. The result, however, to which the reader is ingeni- 
 ously led by the author, is, that the real Peter Snook has been 
 duped, and that the Peter Snook who made the various purchases 
 about town, and who appeared to Ephraim onl;r during the morn- 
 ing and evening twilight of the eventful day, was, in fact, no 
 other person than the captain of "the strange, black-sided ship." 
 AVc are to believe that, taking advantage of Peter's communica- 
 tiveness, and a certain degree of personal resemblance to him- 
 self, he assumed our hero's clothes while he slept, and made a 
 bold and nearly successful attempt at wholesale peculation. 
 
 The incidents of this story are forcibly conceived, and even in 
 the hands of an ordinary writer would scarcely fail of effect. 
 But, in the present instance, so unusual a tact is developed in 
 the narration, that we are inclined to rank " Peter Snook" among 
 the few tales which (each in its own way) are absolutely fault- 
 less. It is a Flemish home-piece of the highest order its merits 
 lying in its chiaro 'scuro in that blending of light and shade and 
 shadow, where nothing is too distinct, yet where the idea is fully 
 conveyed in the absence of all rigid outlines and all miniature 
 painting in the not undue warmth of the coloring and in a 
 well subdued exaggeration at all points an exaggeration never 
 amounting to caricature.
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON-A SATIRE * 
 
 A SATIRE, professedly such, at the present day, and espe- 
 cially by an American writer, is a welcome novelty indeed. 
 "W e have really done very Httle in the line upon this side of 
 the Atlantic nothing certainly of importance Trurn bull's 
 clumsy poem and Halleck's " Croakers " to the contrary not- 
 withstanding. Some things we have produced, to be sure, which 
 were excellent in the way of burlesque, without intending a 
 syllable that was not utterly solemn and serious. Odes, bal- 
 lads, songs, sonnets, epics, and epigrams, possessed of this un- 
 intentional excellence, we could have no difficulty in designat- 
 ing by the dozen ; but in the matter of directly-meant and 
 genuine satire, it cannot be denied that we are sadly defi- 
 cient. Although, as a literary people, however, we are not 
 exactly Archilocuses although we have no pretensions to the 
 rfXSrfvrsS tajufioi although, in short, we are no satirists our- 
 selves, there can be no question that'we answer sufficiently well 
 as subjects for satire. 
 
 We repeat, that we are glad to see this book of Mr. Wil- 
 mer's ; first, because it is something new under the sun ; se- 
 condly, because, in many respects, it is well executed ; and 
 thirdly, because in the universal corruption and rigmarole amid 
 which we gasp for breath, it is really a pleasant thing to get 
 even one accidental whiff of the unadulterated air of truth. 
 
 The " Quacks of Helicon," as a poem and otherwise, has many 
 
 defects, and these we shall have no scruple in pointing out 
 
 although Mr. Wilmer is a personal friend of our own, and we 
 
 are happy and proud to say so but it has also many remarkable 
 
 * By L. A. Wilmer.
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 541 
 
 merits merits which it will be quite useless for those aggrieved 
 by the satire quite useless for any clique, or set of cliques, to 
 attempt to frown down, or to affect not to see, or to feel, or to 
 understand. 
 
 Its prevalent blemishes are referrible chiefly to the leading 
 sin of imitation. Had the work been composed professedly in 
 paraphrase of the whole manner of the sarcastic epistles of the 
 times of Dryden and Pope, we should have pronounced it the 
 most ingenious and trutliful thing of the kind upon record. So 
 close is the copy, that it extends to the most trivial points for 
 example, to the old forms of punctuation. The turns of phrase- 
 ology, the tricks of rhythm, the arrangement of the paragraphs, 
 the general conduct of the satire everything all are Dryden's. 
 We cannot deny, it is true, that the satiric model of the days in 
 question is insusceptible of improvement, and that the modern 
 author who deviates therefrom, must necessa* ily sacrifice some- 
 thing of merit at the shrine of originality. Neither can we shut 
 our eyes to the fact, that the imitation, in the present case, has 
 conveyed, in full spirit, the higher qualities, as well as, in rigid 
 letter, the minor elegances and general peculiarities of the authoi 
 of " Absalom and Achitophel." We have here the bold, vigor- 
 ous, and sonorous verse, the biting sarcasm, the pungent epi- 
 grammatism, the unscrupulous directness, as of old. Yet it will 
 not do to forget that Mr. Wiliner has been shown how to accom- 
 plish these things. He is thus only entitled to the praise of a 
 close observer, and of a thoughtful and skilful copyist. The im- 
 ages are, to be sure, his own. They are neither Pope's, nor 
 Dryden's, nor Rochester's, nor Churchill's rbut they are moulded 
 in the identical mould used by these satirists. 
 
 This servility of imitation has seduced our author into errors, 
 which his better sense should have avoided. "Il-e sometimes mis- 
 takes intentions ; at other times, he copies faults, confounding them 
 with beauties. In the opening of the poem, for example, we find 
 the lines 
 
 Against usurpers, Olney, I declare 
 A righteous, just, and patriotic war. 
 
 Tl:e rhymes war and declare are here adopted from Pope, who
 
 542 THE QUACKS OF HELICON- -A SATIRE. 
 
 employs them frequently ; but it should have been remembered 
 that the modern relative pronunciation of the two words differs 
 materially from the relative pronunciation of the era of the 
 " Dunciad." 
 
 We are also sure that the gross obscenity, the filth we can 
 use no gentler name which disgraces the " Quacks of Helicon," 
 cannot be the result of innate impurity in the mind of the writer. 
 It is but a part of the slavish and indiscriminating imitation of 
 the Swift and Rochester school. It has done the book an irre- 
 parable injury, both in a moral and pecuniary view, without 
 effecting anything whatever on the score of sarcasm, vigor or wit. 
 " Let what is to be said, be said plainly." True ; but let nothing 
 vulgar be ever said, or conceived. 
 
 In asserting that this satire, even in its mannerism, has imbued 
 itself with the full spirit of the polish and of the pungency of 
 Dryden, we have already awarded it high praise. But there 
 remains to be mentioned the far loftier merit of speaking fear- 
 lessly the truth, at an epoch when truth is out of fashion, and 
 under circumstances of social position, which would have deterred 
 almost any man in our community from a similar Quixotism. 
 For the publication of the " Quacks of Helicon," a poem which 
 brings under review, by name, most of our prominent literati, and 
 treats them, generally, as they deserve, (what treatment could 
 be more bitter ?) for the publication of this attack, Mr. Wil- 
 mer, whose subsistence lies in his pen, has little to look for 
 apart from the silent respect of those at once honest and timid 
 but the most malignant open or covert persecution. For this 
 reason, and because it is the truth which he has spoken, do we 
 say to him, from the bottom of our hearts, " God speed !" 
 
 We repeat it : it is the truth which he has spoken ; and who 
 shall contradict us ? He has said unscrupulously what every 
 reasonable man among us has long known to be " as true as the 
 Pentateuch " that, as a literary people, we are one vast peram- 
 bulating humbug. He has asserted that we are clique-ridden; 
 and who does not smile at the obvious truism of that assertion ? 
 He maintains that chicanery is, with us, a far surer road than 
 talent to distinction in letters. Who gainsays this ? The corrupt 
 nature of our ordinary criticism has become notorious. It
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 543 
 
 powers have been prostrated by its own arm. The intercourse 
 between critic and publisher, as it now almost universally stands, 
 is comprised either in the paying and pocketing of black mail, 
 as the price of a simple forbearance, or in a direct system of petty 
 and contemptible bribery, properly so called a system even 
 more injurious than the former to the true interests of the public, 
 and more degrading to the buyers and sellers of good opinion, on 
 account, of the more positive character of the service here render- 
 ed for the consideration received. We laugh at the idea of any 
 denial of our assertions upon this topic ; they are infamously true. 
 In the charge of general corruption, there are undoubtedly many 
 noble exceptions to be made. There are, indeed, some very few 
 editors, who, maintaining an entire independence, will receive no 
 books from publishers at all, or who receive them with a perfect 
 understanding, on the part of these latter, that an unbiassed 
 critique will be given. But these cases are insufficient to have 
 much effect on the popular mistrust : a mistrust heightened by 
 late exposure of the machinations of coteries in New York 
 coteries which, at the bidding of leading booksellers, manufacture, 
 as required from time to time, a pseudo-public opinion by whole- 
 sale, for the benefit of any little hanger on of the party, or petti- 
 fogging protector of the firm. 
 
 We speak of these things in the bitterness of scorn. It is un- 
 necessary to cite instances, where one is found in almost every 
 issue of a book. It is needless to call to mind the desperate case 
 of Fay a case where the pertinacity of the effort to gull where 
 the obviousness of the attempt at forestalling a judgment where 
 the wofully over-done be-Mirrorment of that man-of-straw, to- 
 gether with the pitiable platitude of his production, proved a dose 
 somewhat too potent for even the well-prepared stomach of the 
 mob. We say it is supererogatory to dwell upon "Norman 
 Leslie," or other by-gone follies, when we have, before our eyes, 
 hourly instances of the machinations in question. To so great 
 an extent of methodical assurance has the system of puffery 
 arrived, that publishers, of late, have made no scruple of keeping 
 on hand an assortment of commendatory notices, prepared by 
 their men of all work, and of sending these notices around to the 
 multitudinous papers within t.heir influence, done up within the
 
 544 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 
 
 fly-leaves of the book. The grossness of these base attempts, 
 however, has not escaped indignant rebuke from the more ho- 
 norable portion of the press; and we hail these symptoms of 
 restiveness under the yoke of unprincipled ignorance and 
 quackery (strong only in combination) as the harbinger of a 
 better era for the interests of real merit, and of the national 
 literature as a whole. 
 
 It has become, indeed, the plain duty of each individual 
 connected with our periodicals, heartily to give whatever in- 
 fluence he possesses, to the good cause of integrity and the truth. 
 The results thus attainable will be found worthy his closest 
 attention and best efforts. We shall, thus, frown down all 
 conspiracies to foist inanity upon the public consideration at the 
 obvious expense of every man of talent who is not a member of 
 a clique in power. We may even arrive, in time, at that 
 desirable point from which a distinct view of our men of letters 
 may be obtained, and their respective pretensions adjusted, by 
 the standard of a rigorous and self-sustaining criticism alone 
 That their several positions are as yet properly settled ; that the 
 posts which a vast number of them now hold are maintained by 
 any better tenure than that of the chicanery upon which we have 
 commented, will be asserted by none but the ignorant, or the 
 parties who have best right to feel an interest in the " good old 
 condition of things." No two matters can be more radically dif- 
 ferent than the reputation of some of our prominent litterateurs, 
 Os gathered from the mouths of the people, (who glean it from 
 the paragraphs of the papers,) and the same reputation as deduced 
 from the private estimate of intelligent and educated men. We 
 do not advance this fact as a new discovery. Its truth, on the. 
 contrary, is the subject, and has long been so, of every-day 
 witticism and mirth. 
 
 Why not ? Surely there can be few things more ridiculous 
 than the general character and assumptions of the ordinary criti- 
 cal notices of new books ! An editor, sometimes without the 
 shadow of the commonest attainment often without brains, 
 always without time does not scruple to give the world to un- 
 derstand that he is in the daily habit of critically reading am 1 
 'leading upon a Hood of publications, one tenth f f whose title
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 545 
 
 pages he may possibly have turned over, three fourths of whose 
 contents would be Hebrew to his most desperate efforts at com- 
 prehension, and whose entire mass and amount, as might be 
 mathematically demonstrated, would be sufficient to occupy, in 
 the most cursory perusal, the attention of some ten or twenty 
 readers for a month ! What he wants in plausibility, however, 
 he makes up in obsequiousness ; what he lacks in time he supplies 
 in temper. He is the most easily pleased man in the world. He 
 admires everything, from the big Dictionary of Noah Webster to 
 the last diamond edition of Tom Thumb. Indeed, his sole diffi- 
 culty is in finding tongue to express his delight. Every pamphlet 
 is a miracle every book in boards is an epoch in letters. His 
 phrases, therefore, get bigger and bigger every day, and, if it 
 were not for talking Cockney, we might call him a " regular 
 swell." 
 
 Yet, in the attempt at getting definite information in regard to 
 any one portion of our literature, the merely general reader, or 
 the foreigner, will turn in vain from the lighter to the heavier 
 journals. But it is not our intention here to dwell upon the ra- 
 dical, antique, and systematized rigmarole of our Quarterlies. 
 The articles here are anonymous. Who writes? who causes 
 to be written? Who but an ass will put faith in tirades which 
 may be the result of personal hostility, or in panegyrics which 
 nine times out of ten may be laid, directly or indirectly, to the 
 charge of the author himself? It is in the favor of these sa- 
 turnine pamphlets that they contain, now and then, a good essay 
 de omnibus rebus et quibusdam aliis, which may be looked into, 
 without decided somnolent consequences, at any period, not im- 
 mediatly subsequent to dinner. But it is useless to expect criti- 
 cism from periodicals called " Reviews " from never reviewing. 
 Besides, all men know, or should know, that these books are sadly 
 riven to verbiage. It is a part of their nature, a condition of 
 their being, a point of their faith. A veteran reviewer loves the 
 safety of generalities, and is, therefore, rarely particular. "Words, 
 words, words," are the secret of his strength. He has one or 
 two ideas of his own, and is both wary and fussy in giving them 
 ,iut. His wit lies with his truth, in a well, and there is always a 
 vorld of trouble in getting it up. He is a sworn enemy to alJ
 
 546 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 
 
 things simple and direct. He gives no ear to the advice of the 
 giant Moulineau " Belier, mon ami, commencez au commence- 
 ment." He either jumps at once into the middle of his subject, 
 or breaks in at a back door, or sidles up to it with the gait of crab. 
 No other mode of approach has an air of sufficient profundity. 
 When fairly into it, however, he becomes dazzled with the 
 scintillation? of his own wisdom, and is seldom able to see his 
 way out. Tired of laughing at his antics, or frightened at seeing 
 him flounder, the reader, at length, shuts him up, with the book. 
 " What song the Syrens sang," says Sir Thomas Browne, ' or 
 what name Achilles assumed when he hid himself among women, 
 though puzzling questions, are not beyond all conjecture ;" but it 
 would puzzle Sir Thomas, backed by Achilles and all the Syrens 
 in Heathendom, to say, in nine cases- out of ten, what is the object 
 of a thorough-going Quarterly Reviewer. 
 
 Should the opinions promulgated by our press at large be 
 taken, in their wonderful aggregate, as an evidence of what Ame- 
 rican literature absolutely is, (and it may be said that, in gene- 
 ral, they are really so taken,) we shall find ourselves the most 
 enviable set of people upon the face of the earth. Our fine writers 
 are legion. Our very atmosphere is redolent of genius ; and we, the 
 nation, are a huge, well-co"ntented chameleon, grown pursy by 
 inhaling it. We are teretes et rotundi enwrapped in excellence. 
 All our poets are Miltons, neither mute nor inglorious ; all our 
 poetesses are " American Hemanses ;" nor will it do to deny 
 that all our novelists are great Knowns or great Unknowns, and 
 that every body who writes, in every possible and impossible de 
 partment, is the admirable Crichton, or, at least, the admirable 
 Crichton's ghost. We are thus in a glorious condition, and will 
 remain so until forced to disgorge our ethereal honors. In truth, 
 there is some danger that the jealousy of the Old World will in- 
 terfere. It cannot long submit to that outrageous monopoly of 
 " all the decency and all the talent " in which the gentlemen of 
 the press give such undoubted assurance of our being so busily 
 engaged. 
 
 But we feel angry with ourselves for the jesting tone of our 
 observations upon this topic. The prevalence of the spirit of puf- 
 fery is a subject far less for merriment than for disgust. Its
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 547 
 
 truckling, yet dogmatical character its bold, unsustained, yet 
 self-sufficient and wholesale laudation is becoming, more and 
 more, an insult to the common sense of the community. Trivial as 
 it essentially is, it has, yet, been made the instrument of the gioss- 
 est abuse in the elevation of imbecility, to the manifest injury, to 
 the utter ruin, of true merit. Is there any man of good feeling 
 and of ordinary understanding is there one single individual 
 among all our readers who does not feel a thrill of -bitter in- 
 dignation, apart from any sentiment of mirth, as he calls to mind 
 instance after instance of the purest, of -the most unadulterated 
 quackery in letters, which has risen to a high post in the appa- 
 rent popular estimation, and which still maintains it, by the sole 
 means of a blustering arrogance, or of a busy wriggling conceit, 
 or of the most barefaced plagiarism, or even through the simple 
 immensity of its assumptions assumptions not only unopposed 
 by the press at large, but absolutely supported in proportion to 
 the vociferous clamor with which they are made in exact accor- 
 dance with their utter baselessness and untenability ? We should 
 have no trouble in pointing out, to-day, some twenty or thirty 
 so-called literary personages, who, if not idiots, as we half think 
 them, or if not hardened to all sense of shame by a long course 
 of disingenuousness, will now blush, in the perusal of these words, 
 through consciousness of the shadowy nature of that purchased 
 pedestal upon which they stand will now tremble in thinking of 
 the feebleness of the breath Avhich will be adequate to the blow- 
 ing it from beneath their feet. With the help, of a hearty good 
 will, even we may yet tumble them down. 
 
 So firm, through a long endurance, has been the hold taken 
 upon the popular mind (at least so far as we may consider the 
 popular mind reflected in ephemeral letters) by the laudatory 
 system which we have deprecated, that what is, in its own 
 essence, a vice, has become endowed with the appearance, and 
 met with the reception of a virtue. Antiquity, as usual, has lent 
 a certain degree of speciousness even to the absurd. So conti* 
 nuously have we puffed, that we have, at length, come to think 
 puffing the duty, and plain speaking the dereliction. What we 
 began in gross error, we persist in through habit. Having 
 adopted, in the earlier days of our literature, the untenable idea
 
 548 THE QUACKS OF HELICOM A SATIRE. . 
 
 that this literature, as a whole, could be advanced by an indiscri- 
 minate approbation bestowed on its every effort having adopted 
 this idea, we say, without attention to the obvious fact that praise 
 of all was bitter although negative censure to the few alone 
 deserving, and that the only result of the system, in the fostering 
 way, would be the fostering of folly we now continue our vile 
 practices through the supineness of custom, even while, in 'our 
 national self-conceit, we repudiate that necessity for patronage 
 and protection in which originated our conduct. In a word, the 
 press, throughout the country, has not been ashamed to make head 
 against the very few bold attempts at independence which have, 
 from time to time, been made in the face of the reigning order 
 of things. And if, in one, or perhaps two, insulated cases, the 
 spirit of severe truth, sustained by an unconquerable will, wag 
 not to be so put down, then, forthwith, were private chicaneries set 
 in motion ; then was had resort, on the part of those who con- 
 sidered themselves injured by the severity of criticism, (and who 
 were so, if the just contempt of every ingenuous man is injury,) 
 resort to arts of the most virulent indignity, to untraceable slan- 
 ders, to ruthless assassination in the dark. We say these things 
 were done, while the press in general looked on, and, with a full 
 understanding of the wrong perpetrated, spoke not against the 
 wrong. The idea had absolutely gone abroad had grown up 
 little by little into toleration that attacks however just, upon a 
 literary reputation however obtained, however untenable, were 
 well retaliated by the basest and most unfounded traduction of 
 personal fame. But is this an age is this a day in which it 
 can be necessary even to advert to such considerations as that 
 the book of the author is the property of the public, and that the 
 issue of the book is the throwing down of the gauntlet to the 
 reviewer to the reviewer whose duty is the plainest; the duty 
 not even of approbation, or of censure, or of silence, at his own 
 will, but at the sway of those sentiments and of those opinions 
 which are derived from the author himself, through the. medium 
 of his written and published words ? True criticism is the re- 
 flection of the thing criticized upon the spirit of the critic. 
 
 But a nos moutons to the " Quacks of Helicon." This satire 
 has many faults besides those upon which we have commented.
 
 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. M9 
 
 The title, for example, is not sufficiently distinctive, although 
 otherwise good. It does not confine the subject to American 
 quacks, while the work does. The two concluding lines enfeeble 
 instead of strengthening the Jinale, which would have been 
 exceedingly pungent without them. The individual portions of 
 the thesis are strung together too much at random a natural 
 sequence is not always preserved so, that although the lights of 
 the picture are often forcible, the whole has what, in artistical 
 parlance, is termed an accidental and spotty appearance. In 
 truth, the parts of the poem have evidently been composed each 
 by each, as separate themes, and afterwards fitted into the 
 general satire, in the best manner possible. 
 
 But a more reprehensible sin than any or than all of these is 
 yet to be mentioned the sin of indiscriminate censure. Even 
 here Mr. Wilmer has erred through imitation. He has held in 
 view the sweeping denunciations of the Dunciad, and of the later 
 (abortive) satire of Byron. No one in his senses can deny the 
 justice of the general charges of corruption in regard to which 
 we have just spoken from the text of our author. But are there 
 no exceptions ? We should, indeed, blush if there were not. 
 And is there no hope ? Time will show. We cannot do eveiy- 
 thing in a day Non se gano Zamora en un ora. Again, it cannot 
 be gainsaid that the greater number of those who hold high 
 places in our poetical literature are absolute nincompoops 
 fellows alike innocent of reason and of rhyme. But neither are 
 we all brainless, nor is the devil himself so black as he is painted 
 Mr. Wilmer must read the chapter in Rabelais' Gargantua, " de 
 ce qiCest signifie par les couleurs blanc et bleu" for there is some 
 difference after all. It will not do in a civilized land to run 
 a-muck like a Malay. Mr. Morris has written good songs. Mr. 
 Bryant is not all a fool. Mr. Willis is not quite an ass. Mr. 
 Longfellow will steal, but, perhaps, he cannot help it, (for we 
 have heard of such things,) and then it must not be denied that 
 nil tetigit quod non ornavit. 
 
 The fact i? that our author, in the rank exuberance of his zeal, 
 seems to think as little of discrimination as the Bishop of Autun * 
 
 * Talleyrand.
 
 650 THE QUACKS OF HELICON A SATIRE. 
 
 did of the Bible. Poetical '* things in general " are the windmills 
 at which he spurs his Rozinante. He as often tilts at what is 
 true as at what is Me ; and thus his lines are like the mirrors of 
 the temples of Smyrna, which represent the fairest images as 
 deformed. But the talent, the fearlessness, and especially the 
 design of this book, will suffice to preserve it from that dreadful 
 damnation of " silent contempt," to which editors, throughout the 
 country, if we are not roucb mistaken, will endeavor one and all, 
 lo consign it-
 
 ASTORIA. 
 
 MR. IRVING'S acquaintance at Montreal, many years since, 
 with some of the principal partners of the great North- West Fur 
 Company, was the means of interesting him deeply in the variod 
 concerns of trappers, hunters, and Indians, and in all the adven- 
 turous details connected with the commerce in peltries. Not 
 long after his return from his late tour to the prairies, he held a 
 conversation with his friend, Mr. John Jacob Astor, of New 
 York, in relation to an enterprise set on foot, and conducted by 
 that gentleman, about the year 1812, an enterprise having for 
 its object a participation, on the most extensive scale, in the fur 
 trade carried on with the Indians in all the western and north- 
 western regions of North America. Finding Mr. I. fully alive 
 to the exciting interest of this subject, Mr. Astor was induced to 
 express a regret that the true nature and extent of the enterprise, 
 together with its great national character and importance, had 
 never been generally comprehended ; and a wish that Mr. Irving 
 would undertake to give an account of it. To this he consented. 
 All the papers relative to the matter were submitted to his in- 
 spection ; and the volumes now before us (two well-sized octavos) 
 are the result. The work has been accomplished in a masterly 
 manner the modesty of the title affording no indication of the 
 fulness, comprehensiveness, and beauty, with which a long and 
 entangled series of detail, collected necessarily from a mass of 
 
 * " Astoria : or, Anecdotes of an Enterprize beyond the Rocky Mountains," 
 Hy Washington Irving. [From the Southern Literary Messenger for 18 - j
 
 552 ASTORIA. 
 
 vague and imperfect data, has been wrought into completeness and 
 unity. 
 
 Supposing our readers acquainted with the main features of 
 the original fur trade in America, we shall not follow Mr. Irving 
 in his vivid account of the primitive French Canadian Merchant, 
 bis jovial establishments and dependants of the licensed traders, 
 missionaries, voyageurs, and coureurs des bois of the British 
 Canadian Fur Merchant of the rise of the great Company of 
 the " North- West," its constitution and internal trade, its par- 
 liamentary hall and banqueting room, its boating, its huntings, 
 its wassailings, and other magnificent feudal doings in the wilder- 
 ness. It was the British Mackinaw Company we presume, 
 (a Company established in rivalry of the "North- West,") the scene 
 of whose main operations first aroused the attention of our govern- 
 ment. Its chief factory was established at Michilimackinac, and 
 sent forth its perogues, by Green Bay, Fox River, and the Wis- 
 consin, to the Mississippi, and thence to all its tributary streams 
 in this way, hoping to monopolize the trade with all the Indian 
 tribes on the southern and western waters of our own territory, 
 as the " North-AVest" had monopolized it along the waters of the 
 North. Of course, we now began to view with a jealous eye, 
 and to make exertions for counteracting the. influence hourly 
 acquired over our own aborigines by these immense combinations 
 of foreigners. In 1796, the United States sent out agents to 
 establish rival trading houses on the frontier, and thus, by supply- 
 ing the wants of the Indians, to link their interests with ours, and 
 to divert the trade, if possible, into national channels. The 
 enterprise failed being, we suppose, inefficiently conducted and 
 supported ; and the design was never afterwards attempted until 
 by the individual means and energy of Mr. Aster. 
 
 John Jacob Astor was born in Waldorf, a German village, 
 near Heidelberg, on the banks of the Rhine. While yet a youth, 
 he foresaw that he would arrive at great wealth, and, leaving 
 home, took his way, alone, to London, where he found himself at 
 the clo.se of the American Revolution. An elder brother being 
 in the United States, he followed him there. In January, 1784, 
 he arrived in Hampton Roads, with some little merchandise 
 suited to the American market. On the passage, he had becomfl
 
 ASTORIA. 553 
 
 acquainted with a countryman of his, a furrier, from whom hr> 
 derived much information in regard to furs, and the manner of 
 conducting I he trade. Subsequently, he accompanied this gentle- 
 man to New York, and, by his advice, invested the proceeds of 
 his merchandise in peltries. With these, he sailed to London, 
 and, having disposed of his adventure advantageously, he re- 
 turned the same year (1784) to New York, with a view of 
 settling in the United States, and prosecuting the business thus 
 commenced. Mr. Aster's beginnings in this way were necessarily 
 small but his perseverance was indomitable, his integrity un- 
 impeachable, and his economy of the most rigid kind. li To 
 these," says Mr. Irving, " were added an aspiring spirit, that al- 
 ways looked upward; a genius bold, fertile, and expansive; a 
 sagacity quick to grasp and convert every circumstance to its 
 advantage, and a singular and never wavering confidence of 
 Eignal success." These opinions are more than re-echoed by the 
 whole crowd of Mr. Astor's numerous acquaintances and friends, 
 and are most strongly insisted upon by those who have the 
 pleasure of knowing him best. 
 
 In the United States, the fur trade was not yet sufficiently or- 
 ganized to form a regular line of business. Mr. A. made annual 
 visits to Montreal for the purpose of buying peltries ; and, as no 
 direct trade was permitted from Canada to any country but 
 England, he shipped them, when bought, immediately to London. 
 This difficulty being removed, however, by the treaty of 171)5, 
 he made a contract for furs with the North-West Company, and 
 imported them from Montreal into the United States -thence, 
 shipping a portion to different parts of Europe, as well as to the 
 principal market in China. 
 
 By the treaty just spoken of, the British possessions on our 
 side of the Lakes were given up, and an opening made for the 
 American fur-trader on the confines of Canada, and within the 
 territories of the United States. Here, Mr. Astor, about the 
 year 1807, adventured largely on his own account; his increased 
 capital now placing him among the chief of American merchants 
 The influence of the Mackinaw Company, however, proved toe 
 much for him, and he was induced to consider the means of 
 entering into successful competition. He was aware of the wish
 
 554 ASTORIA. 
 
 of the Government to concentrate the fur-trade within its boun- 
 daries in the hands of its own citizens; and he now offered, if 
 national aid or protection should be afforded, " to turn the whole 
 of the trade into American channels." He was invited to unfold 
 his plans, and they were warmly approved, but, we believe, little 
 more. The countenance of the Government was, nevertheless, 
 of much importance, and, in 1809, he procured, from the legis- 
 lature of New York, a charter, incorporating a company, under 
 the name of the " American Fur Company," with a capital of 
 one million of dollars, and the privilege of increasing it to two 
 He himself constituted the Company, and furnished the capital. 
 The board of directors was merely nominal, and the whole 
 business was conducted with his own resources, and according to 
 his own will. 
 
 We here pass over Mr. Irving's lucid, although brief account 
 of the fur-trade in the Pacific, of Russian and American enter- 
 prise on the North-western coast, and of the discovery by Captain 
 Gray, in 1792, of the mouth of the river Columbia. lie proceeds 
 to speak of Captain Jonathan Carver, of the British provincial 
 army. In 17 60, shortly after the acquisition of the Canadas by 
 Great Britain, this gentleman projected a journey across the 
 continent, between the forty-third and forty-sixth degrees of 
 northern latitude, to the shores of the Pacific. His objects were 
 " to ascertain the breadth of the continent at its broadest part, 
 and to determine on some place on the shores of the Pacific, 
 where Government might establish a post to facilitate the dis- 
 covery of a North-west passage, or a communication between 
 Hudson's Bay and the Pacific Ocean." He failed twice in indi- 
 vidual attempts to accomplish this journey. In 1774, Richard 
 "Whitworth, a member of Parliament, came into this scheme of 
 Captain Carver's. These two gentlemen determined to take 
 with them fifty or sixty men, artificers and mariners, to proceed 
 up one of the branches of the Missouri, find the source of the 
 Oregon, (the Columbia,) and sail down the river to its mouth. 
 Here, a fort was to be erected, and the vessels built necessary to 
 rarry into execution their purposed discoveries by sea. The 
 British Government sanctioned the plan, and everything was
 
 ASTORIA. 5.->o 
 
 ready tor the undertaking, when the American Revolution pre- 
 vented it. 
 
 The expedition of Sir Alexander Mackenzie is well known. 
 In 1703, he crossed the continent, and reached the Pacific Ocessn 
 in latitude 52 20' 48". In latitude 52 30', he partially descend- 
 ed a river flowing to the South, and which he erroneously sup- 
 posed to be the Columbia. Some years afterwards, he published 
 an account of his journey, and suggested the policy of opening 
 an intercourse between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, and 
 forming regular establishments ' k through the interior and at both 
 extremes, as well as along the coasts and islands." Thus, he 
 thought the entire command of the fur trade of North America 
 might be obtained from latitude 48 north to the pole, excepting 
 that portion held by the Russians. As to the " American ad- 
 venturers" along the coast, he spoke of them as entitled to but 
 little consideration. " They would instantly disappear," he said, 
 " before a well regulated trade." Owing to the jealousy existing 
 between the Hudson's Bay and North-west Company, this idea 
 of Sir Alexander Mackenzie's was never carried into execution. 
 
 The successful attempt of Messieurs Lewis and Clarke was 
 accomplished, it will be remembered, in 1804. Their course was 
 that proposed by Captain Carver in 1774. They passed up the 
 Missouri to its head waters, crossed the Rocky Mountains, 
 discovered the source of the Columbia, and followed that river 
 down to its mouth. Here they spent the winter, and retraced 
 their steps in the spring. Their reports declared it practicable 
 to establish a line of communication across the continent, and 
 first inspired Mr. Astor with the design of " grasping with his 
 individual hands this great enterprise, which, for years, had been 
 dubiously, yet desirously contemplated by powerful associatioi.s 
 and maternal governments." 
 
 His scheme was gradually matured. Its main features were 
 as follows. A line of trading posts was to be established along 
 the Missouri and Columbia, to the mouth of the latter, where 
 was to be founded the chief mart. On all the tributary streams 
 throughout this immense route were to be situated inferior posts 
 trading directly with the Indians for their peltries. All these 
 posts would draw upon the mart at the Columbia for their
 
 556 ASTORIA. 
 
 supplies of goods, and would send thither the furs collected. At 
 this latter place also, were to be built and fitted out coasting vcs- 
 self, for the purpose of trading along the North-west coast, re- 
 turning with the proceeds of their voyages to the same general 
 rendezvous. In this manner, the whole Indian trade, both of the 
 coast and the interior, would converge to one point. To this 
 point, in continuation of his plan, Mr. Astor proposed to despatch, 
 every year, a ship with the necessary supplies. She would 
 receive the peltries collected, carry them to Canton, there invest 
 the proceeds in merchandise, and return to New York. 
 
 Another point was also to be attended to. In coasting to the 
 North-west, the ship would be brought into contact with the 
 Russian Fur Company's establishments in that quarter; and, as a 
 rivalry might ensue, it was politic to conciliate the good will of 
 that body. It depended chiefly, for its supplies, upon transient 
 trading vessels from the United States. The owners of these 
 vessels, having nothing beyond their individual interests to con- 
 sult, made no scruple of furnishing the natives with fire arms, 
 and were thus productive of much injury. To this effect, the 
 Russian government had remonstrated with the United States, 
 urging to have the traffic in arms prohibited but. no municipal 
 law being infringed, our government could not interfere. Still, 
 it was anxious not to offend Russia, and applied to Mr. Astor for 
 information as to the means of remedying the evil, knowing him 
 to be well versed in all frhe concerns of the trade in question. 
 This application suggested to him the idea of paying a regular 
 visit to the Russian settlements with his annual ship. Thus, 
 being kept regularly in supplies, they would be independent of" 
 the casual traders, who would, consequently, be excluded from 
 the coast. This whole scheme, Mr. Astor communicated to 
 President Jefferson, soliciting the countenance of Government. 
 The cabinet "joined in warm approbation of the. plan, and held 
 out assurance of every protection that could, consistently with 
 general policy, be afforded." 
 
 In speaking of the motives which actuated Mr. Astor in an 
 enterprise so extensive, Mr. Irving, we are willing to believe, 
 ba? done that high-minded gentleman no more that the simplest 
 species of justice. " He was already," says our author, " wealthy
 
 ASTORIA. 557 
 
 beyond the ordinary desires of man, but he now aspired lo that 
 honorable fame which is awarded to men of similar scope of 
 mind, who, by their great commercial enterprises, have enriched 
 nations, peopled wildernesses, and extended the bounds of empire. 
 He considered his projected establishment at the mouth of the 
 Columbia, as the emporium to an immense commerce; as a 
 colony that would form the germ of a wide civilization ; that 
 would, in fact, carry the American population across the Rocky 
 Mountains, and spread it along the shores of the Pacific, as it 
 already animated the shores of the Atlantic." 
 
 A few words in relation to the North-west company. This 
 body, following out in part the suggestion of Sir Alexander Mac- 
 kenzie, had already established a few trading posts on the coast 
 of the Pacific, in a region lying about two degrees north of the 
 Columbia thus throwing itself between the Russian and Ameri- 
 can territories. They would contend with Mr. Astor at an im- 
 mense disadvantage, of course. They had no good post for the 
 receipt of supplies by sea ; and must get them with great risk, 
 trouble and expense, over land. Their peltries also would have 
 to be taken home the same way for they were not at liberty to 
 interfere with the East India company's monopoly, by shipping 
 thorn directly to China. Mr. Astor would therefore greatly un- 
 dersell them in that, the principal market. Still, as any compe- 
 tition would prove detrimental to both parties, Mr. A. made 
 known his plans to the North-west company, proposing to inter- 
 est them one-third in his undertaking. The British company, 
 however, had several reasons for declining the proposition not 
 the least forcible of which we presume, was their secret intention 
 to push on a party forthwith, and forestall their .rival in estab- 
 lishing a settlement at the mouth of the Columbia. 
 
 In the meantime Mr..Astor did not remain idle. His first care 
 was to procure proper coadjutors, and he was induced to seek 
 them principally from among such clerks of the North-west com- 
 pany, as were dissatisfied with their situation iu that body hav- 
 ing served out their probationary term, and being still, through 
 want of influence, without a prospect of speedy promotion. From 
 among these (generally men "of capacity and experience i:: theif 
 particular business). Mr. A. obtained the services of Mr. Alex-
 
 5o8 ASTORIA. 
 
 ander M'Kay (who Lad accompanied Sir Alexander Mackenzie 
 in both of his expeditions). Mr. Donald M'Kcnzie, and Mr. 
 Duncan M'Dougal. Mr. Wilson Price Hunt, a native citizen 
 of .New Jersey, and a gentleman of great worth, was afterwards 
 selected by Mr. Astor as his chief agent, and as the representa- 
 tive of himself at the contemplated establishment. In June, 
 1810, "articles of agreement were entered into between Mr. 
 Astor and these four gentlemen, acting for themselves, and for 
 the several persons who had already agreed to become, or should 
 thereafter become, associated under the firm of " The Pacific 
 Fur Company" This agreement stipulated that Mr. A. was to 
 be the head of the company, to manage its affairs at New York, 
 and to furnish every thing requisite for the enterprise at first 
 cost and charges, provided an advance of more than four hundred 
 thousand dollars should not at any time be involved. The stock 
 was to consist of a hundred shares, Mr. Astor taking fifty, the 
 rest being divided among the other partners and their associates. 
 A general meeting was to be held annually at Columbia river, 
 where absent members might vote by proxy. The association 
 was to continue twenty years but might be dissolved within the 
 first five years, if found unprofitable. For these five years Mr. 
 A. agreed to bear all the loss that might be incurred. An agent, 
 appointed for a like term, was to reside at the main establishment, 
 and Mr. Hunt was the person first selected. 
 
 Mr. Astor determined to begin his enterprise with two expe- 
 ditions one by sea, the other by land. The former was to carry 
 out every thing necessary for the establishment of a fortified post 
 Mt the mouth of the Columbia. The latter, under the conduct 
 of Mr. Hunt, was to proceed up the Missouri and across the 
 Uocky Mountains to the same point. In the course of this over- 
 land journey, the most practicable line pf communication would 
 be explored, and the best situations noted for the location of 
 trading rendezvous. Following Mr. Irving in our brief summary 
 of his narrative, we will now give some account of the first of 
 ihese expeditions. 
 
 A ship was provided called the Tonquin, of two hundred and 
 ninety tons, with ten guns, and twenty men. Lieutenant Jona- 
 than Thorn of the United States navy, being on leave of absence
 
 ASTORIA 559 
 
 received the command. He was a man of courage, and had dis- 
 tinguished himself in the Tripolitan war. Four of the partners 
 went in the ship M'Kay and M'Dougal, of whom we have 
 already spoken, and Messieurs David and Robert Stuart, new 
 associates in the firm. M'Dougal was empowered to act as the 
 proxy of Mr. Astor in the absence of Mr. Hunt. Twelve clerks 
 were also of the party. These were bound to the service of the 
 company for five years, and were to receive one hundred dollars 
 a year, payable at the expiration of the term, with an annual 
 equipment of clothing to the amount of forty dollars. By prom- 
 ises of future promotion, their interests were identified with those 
 of Mr. Astor. Thirteen Canadian voyageurs, and several arti- 
 sans, completed the ship's company. On the 8th of September, 
 1810, the Tonquin put to sea. Of her voyage to the mouth of 
 the Columbia, Mr. Irving has given a somewhat ludicrous ac- 
 count. Thorn, the stern, straight-forward officer of the navy, 
 having few ideas beyond those of duty and discipline, and looking 
 with supreme contempt upon the motley " lubbers" who formed 
 the greater part of his company, is painted with the easy yet 
 spirited pencil of an artist indeed ; while M'Dougal, the shrewd 
 Scotch partner, bustling, yet pompous, and impressed with lofty 
 notions of his own importance as proxy for Mr. Astor, is made 
 as supremely ridiculous as possible, with as little apparent effort 
 as can well be imagined ; the portraits, however, carry upon 
 their faces the evidence of their own authenticity. The voyage 
 is prosecuted amid a series of petty quarrels, and cross purposes, 
 between the captain and his crew, and, occasionally, between Mr. 
 M'Kay and Mr. M'Dougal.- The contests between the two latter 
 gentlemen were brief, it appears, although violent. " "Within 
 fifteen minutes," says Captain Thorn in a letter to Mr. Astor, 
 " they would be caressing each other like children." The Ton- 
 quin doubled Cape Horn on Christmas day, arrived at Owhyhee 
 on the eleventh of February, took on board fresh provisions, 
 sailed again with twelve Sandwich islanders on the 28th, and on 
 the 22d of March arrived at the mouth of the Columbia. In 
 seeking a passage across the bar, a boat and nine men were lost 
 among the breakers. On the way from Owhyhee a violent 
 storm occurred ; and the bickerings still continued between the
 
 560 ASTORIA. 
 
 partners and the captain the latter, indeed, grievously suspect- 
 ing the former of a design to depose him. 
 
 The Columbia, for about forty miles from its mouth, is, strictly 
 speaking, an estuary, varying in breadth from three to seven 
 miles, and indented by deep bays. Shoals and other obstructions 
 render the navigation dangerous. Leaving this broad portion 
 of the stream in the progress upwards, we find the mouth of the 
 river proper which is about half a mile wide. The entrance 
 to the estuary from sea is bounded on the south by a long, low, 
 and sandy beach stretching into the ocean, and called Point 
 Adams. On the northern side of the frith is Cape Disappoint- 
 ment, a steep promontory. Immediately east of this cape is 
 Baker's Bay, and within this the Tonquin came to anchor. 
 
 Jealousies still continued between the captain and the worthy 
 M'Dougal, who could come to no agreement in regard to the 
 proper location for the contemplated establishment. On April 
 the fifth, without troubling himself farther with the opinions of 
 his coadjutors, Mr. Thorn landed in Baker's Bay, and began 
 operations. At this summary proceeding, the partners were, of 
 course, in high dudgeon, and an open quarrel seemed likely to 
 ensue, to the serious detriment of the enterprise. These difficul- 
 ties, however, were at length arranged, and finally on the 12lh 
 of April, a settlement was commenced at a point of land called 
 Point George, on the southern shore of the frith. Here was a 
 good harbor, where vessels of two hundred tons might anchor 
 within fifty yards of the shore. In honor of the chief parkier, 
 the new post received the title of Astoria. After much delay, 
 fhe portion of the cargo destined for the post was landed, and the 
 Tonquin left free to proceed on her voyage. She was to coast 
 to the north, to trade for peltries at the different harbors, and to 
 touch at Astoria on her return in the autumn. Mr. M'Kay went 
 in her as supercargo, and a Mr. Lewis as ship's clerk. On the 
 morning of the 5th of June she stood out to sea, the whole num- 
 ber of persons on board amounting to three and twenty. In one 
 of the outer bays Captain Thorn procured the services of an In- 
 dian named Lamazee, who had already made two voyages along 
 the coast, and who agreed to accompany him as interpreter. In 
 a few days the ship arrived at Vancouver's Island, and came to
 
 ASTORIA. 561 
 
 anchor in the harbor of Neweetee, much against the advice of 
 (he Indian, who warned Captain Thorn of the perfidious charac- 
 ter of the natives. The result was the merciless butchery of the 
 whole crew, with the exception of the interpreter and Mr. Lewis, 
 the ship's clerk. The latter, finding himself mortally wounded 
 and without companions, blew up the ship and perished with 
 more than a hundred of the enemy. Lamazee, getting among 
 the Indians, escaped, and was the means of bearing the news of 
 the disaster to Astoria. In relating at length the thrilling details 
 of this catastrophe, Mr. Irving takes occasion to comment on the 
 headstrong, although brave and strictly honorable character of 
 Lieutenant Thorn. The danger and folly, on the part of agents, 
 in disobeying the matured instructions of those who deliberately 
 plan extensive enterprises, such as that of Mr. Astor, is also 
 justly and forcibly shown. The misfortune here spoken of, arose, 
 altogether, from a disregard of Mr. A.'s often repeated advice 
 to admit but few Indians en board the Tonquin at one time. 
 Her loss was a serious blow to the infant establishment at As- 
 
 * 
 
 toria. To this post let us now return. 
 
 The natives inhabiting the'borders of the estuary were divided 
 into four tribes, of which the Chinooks were the principal. 
 Comcomly, a one-eyed Indian, was their chief. Theee tribes 
 resembled each other in nearly every respect, and were, no 
 doubt, of a common stock. They live chiefly by fishing the 
 Columbia and its tributary streams .abounding in fine salmon, 
 and a variety of other fish. A trade in peltries, but to no great 
 amount, was immediately commenced and carried on. Much 
 disquiet was occasioned at the post by a rumor among the In- 
 dians that thirty white men had appeared on the banks of the 
 Columbia, and were building houses at the second rapids. It 
 was feared that these were an advance party of the North-west 
 company endeavoring to seize upon the upper parts of the river, 
 and thus forestall Mr. Astor in the trade of the surrounding 
 country. Bloody feuds in this case might be anticipated, such 
 as had prevailed between rival companies in former times. The 
 intelligence of the Indians proved true the " North-west" had 
 erected a trading house on the Spokan river, which falls into the 
 north branch of the Columbia. The Astorians could do little to
 
 563 ASTORIA. 
 
 oppose them in their present reduced state as to numbers. If 
 was resolved, however, to advance a counter-check to the post 
 on the Spokan, and Mr. David Stuart prepared to set out for 
 this purpose with eight men and a small assortment of goods, 
 On the fifteenth of July, when this expedition was about starling, 
 a canoe, manned with nine white men, and bearing the British 
 flag, entered the harbor. They proved to be the party dispatched 
 by the rival company to anticipate Mr. Astor in the settlement 
 at the mouth of the river. Mr. D-avid Thompson, 'their leader, 
 announced himself as a partner of the "North-west" but other- 
 wise gave a very peaceable account of himself. It appears, how- 
 ever, from information subsequently derived from other sources, 
 that he had hurried with a desperate haste across the mountains, 
 calling at all the Indian villages in his march, presenting them 
 with British flags, and " proclaiming formally that he took pos- 
 session of the country for the North-west company, and in the 
 name of the king of Great Britain." His plan was defeated, it 
 seems, by the desertion of a great portion of his followers, and it 
 was thought probable that he now merely descended the river 
 with a view of reconnoitering. M'Dougal treated the gentlemen 
 with great kindness, and supplied them with goods and provisions 
 for their journey back across the mountains this much against 
 the wishes of Mr. David Stuart, " who did not think the object 
 of their visit entitled them to any favor." A letter for Mr. 
 Astor was entrusted to Thompson. 
 
 On the twenty-third of July, the party for the region of the 
 Spokan set out, and after a voyage of much interest, succeeded 
 in establishing the first interior trading post of the company. It 
 was situated on a point of land about three miles long and two 
 broad, formed by the junction of the Oakinagan with the Colum- 
 bia. In the meantime the Indians near Astoria began to evince 
 a hostile disposition, and a reason for this altered demeanor was 
 soon after found in the report of the loss of the Tonquin. Early 
 in August the settlers received intelligence of her fate. They 
 now found themselves in a perilous situation, a mere handful of 
 men, on a savage coast, and surrounded by barbarous enemies. 
 From their dilemma they were relieved, for the present, by the 
 ingenuity of M'Dougal. The natives had a great dread of the
 
 ASTORIA. 563 
 
 email-pox, which had appeared among them a few years before, 
 sweeping off entire tribes. They believed it an evil either in- 
 flicted upon them by the Great Spirit, or brought among mem 
 by the white men. Seizing upon this latter idea, M'Dougal as- 
 sembled several of the chieftains whom he believed to be inimi- 
 cal, and informing them that he had heard of the treachery of 
 their northern brethren in regard to the Tonquin, produced from 
 his pocket a small bottle. " The white men among you," said 
 he, "are few in number, it is true, but they are mighty in medi- 
 cine. See here ! In this bottle I hold the small-pox safely 
 corked up ; I have but to draw the cork and let loose the pesti- 
 lence, to sweep man, woman and child from the face of the 
 earth !" The chiefs were dismayed. They represented to the 
 ' Great Small- Pox Chief" that they were the firmest friends of 
 the white men, that they had nothing to do with the villains who 
 murdered the crew of the Tonquin, and that it would be unjust, 
 in uncorking the bottle, to destroy the innocent with the guilty. 
 M'Dougal was convinced. He promised not to uncork it until 
 some overt act should compel him to do so. In this manner 
 tranquillity was restored to the settlement. A large house was 
 now built, and the frame of a schooner put together. She was 
 named the Dolly, and was the first American vessel launched on 
 the coa?t. But our limits will not permit us to follow too mi- 
 nutely the details of the enterprise. The adventurers kept up 
 their spirits, sending out occasional foraging parties in the Dolly, 
 and looking forward to the arrival of Mr. Hunt. So wore away 
 the year 1811 at the little post of Astoria. We now come to 
 speak of the expedition by land. 
 
 This, it will be remembered, was to be conducted by Mr. Wil- 
 ecn Price Hunt, a native of New Jersey. He is represented as 
 scrupulously upright, of amiable disposition, and agreeable man- 
 ners. He had never been in the heart of the wilderness, but, 
 having been for some time engaged in commerce at St. Loui-:. 
 furnishing Indian traders with goods, he had acquired much 
 knowledge of the trade at second hand. Mr. Donald M'Kenrie, 
 another partner, was associated with him. He had been ten 
 years in the interior, in the service of the North-west Company, 
 and had much practical experience in all Indian concerns. In
 
 564 ASTORIA. 
 
 July 1810, the two gentlemen repaired to Montreal, where every- 
 thing requisite to the expedition could be procured. Here they 
 met with many difficulties some of which were thrown in their 
 \vay by their rivals. Having succeeded, however, in laying in a 
 supply of ammunition, provisions, and Indian goods, they em- 
 barked all on board a large boat, and, with a very inefficient 
 crew, the best to be procured, took their departure from St. 
 Ann's, near the extremity of the island of Montreal. Their 
 course lay up the Ottawa, and along a range of small lakes and 
 rivers. On the twenty-second of July, they arrived at Mackinaw, 
 situated on Mackinaw island, at the continence of Lakes Huron 
 and Michigan. Here it was necessary to remain some time to 
 complete the assortment of Indian goods, and engage more 
 voyageurs. While waiting to accomplish these objects, Mr. Hunt 
 was joined by Mr. Ramsay Crooks, a gentleman whom he had 
 invited, by letter, to engage as a partner in the expedition. He 
 was a native of Scotland, had served under the North-west Com- 
 pany, and been engaged in private trading adventures among the 
 various tribes of the Missouri. Mr. Crooks represented, in for- 
 cible terms, the dangers to be apprehended from the Indians 
 especially the Blackfeet and Sioux and it was agreed to in- 
 crease the number of the party to sixty upon arriving at St. 
 Louis. Thirty was its strength upon leaving Mackinaw. This 
 occurred on the twelfth of August. The expedition pursued the 
 usual route cf the fur-trader by Green bay, Fox and Wiscon- 
 sin rivers, to Prairie du Chien, and thence down the Mississippi 
 to St. Louis, where they landed on the third of September. 
 Here, Mr. Hunt met with some opposition from an association 
 called the Missouri Fur Company, and especially from its leading 
 partner, a Mr. Manuel Lisa. This company had a capital of 
 about forty thousand dollars, and employed about two hundred 
 and fifty men. Its object was to establish posts along the upper 
 part of the river, and monopolize the trade. Mr. H. proceeded 
 10 strengthen himself against competition. He secured to Mr. 
 Astor the services of Mr. Joseph Miller. This gentleman had 
 been an officer of the United States' Army, but had resigned on 
 being refused a furlough, and taken to trading with the Indians. 
 He joined the association as a partner; and, on account of hid
 
 ASTORIA. 565 
 
 experience and general acquirement?, Mr. Hunt considered him 
 a valuable coadjutor. Several boatmen and hunters were also, 
 now, enlisted, but not until after a delay of several weeks. This 
 de,ay, and the previous difficulties at Montreal and Mackinaw, 
 had thrown Mr. H. much behind his original calculations, so that 
 he found it would be impossible to effect his voyage up the Mis 
 souri during the present season. There was every likelihood 
 that the river would be closed before the party could reach its 
 upper waters. To winter, however, at St. Louis, would be ex- 
 pensive. Mr. H., therefore, determined to push ap on his way 
 as far as possible, to some point where game might be found iu 
 abundance, and there take up his quarters until spring. On the 
 twenty-first of October, he set out. The party were distributed 
 in three boats two large Schenectady barges, and a keel boat. 
 By the sixteenth of November, they reached the mouth of the 
 Nodowa, a distance of four hundred and fifty miles, where they 
 set up their winter quarters. Here, Mr. Robert M'Lellan, at 
 the invitation of Mr. Hunt, joined the association as a partner. 
 Pie was a man of vigorous frame, of restless and imperious tem- 
 per, and had distinguished himself as a partisan under General 
 Wayne. John Day also joined the company at this place a tall 
 and athletic hunter from the backwoods of Virginia. Leaving 
 the main body at Nodowa, Mr. Hunt now returned to St. Louis 
 for a reinforcement. He was again impeded by the machinations 
 of the Missouri Fur Company, but finally succeeded in enlisting 
 one hunter, some voyageurs, and a Sioux interpreter, Pierre 
 Dorion. With these, after much difficulty, he got back to the 
 encampment on the seventeenth of April. Soon after this period, 
 the voyage up the river was resumed. The party now consisted 
 of nearly sixty persons five partners, Hunt, Crooks, M'Kenzie, 
 Miller, and M'Lellan ; one clerk, John Reed ; forty Canadian 
 voyayeurs ; and several hunters. They embarked in four boats, 
 one of which, of a large size, mounted a swivel and two 
 howitzers. 
 
 We do not intend, of course, to proceed with our travellei-9 
 throughout the vast series of adventure encountered in their pas- 
 sage through the wilderness. To the curious in these particulars, 
 we recommend the book itself. No details more intensely excit-
 
 566 ASTORIA. 
 
 ing are to be found in any work of travels within our knowledge. 
 At times full of life and enjoying the whole luxury to be found 
 in the career of the hunter at times suffering every extremity 
 of fatigue, hunger, thirst, anxiety, terror, and despair Mr. Hunt 
 still persisted in hfs journey, and finally brought it to a success- 
 ful termination. A bure outline of the route pursued is all we 
 can attempt. 
 
 Proceeding up the river, our party arrived, on the twenty- 
 eighth of April, at the mouth of the Nebraska, or Platte, the 
 largest tributary of the Missouri, and about six hundred miles 
 above its junction with the Mississippi. They now halted for 
 two days, to supply themselves with oars and poles from the 
 tough wood of the ash, which is not to be found higher up the 
 river. Upon the second of May, two of the hunters insisted 
 upon abandoning the expedition, and returning to St. Louis. On 
 the tenth, the party reached the Omaha village, and encamped in 
 its vicinity. This village is about eight hundred and thirty 
 miles above St. Louis, and on the west bank of the stream. 
 Three men here deserted, but their place was luckily supplied by 
 three others, who were prevailed upon, by liberal promises, to 
 enlist. On the fifteenth, Mr. Hunt left Omaha, and proceeded. 
 Not long afterwards, a canoe was descried navigated by two 
 white men. They proved te be two adventurers, who, for some 
 years past, had been hunting and trapping near the head of the 
 Missouri. Their names were Jones and Carson. They were 
 now on their way to St. Louis, but readily abandoned their 
 voyage, and turned their faces again toward the Rocky Moun- 
 tains. On the twenty-third, Mr. Hunt received, by a special 
 messenger, a letter from Mr. Manuel Lisa, the leading partner of 
 the Missouri Fur Company, and the gentleman who rendered 
 him so many disservices at St. Louis. He had left that place, 
 with a large party, three weeks after Mr. IL, and, having heard 
 rumors of hostile intentions on the part of the Sioux, a much 
 dreaded tribe of Indians, made great exertions to overtake him, 
 that they might pass through the dangerous part of the river to- 
 gether. Mr. H., however, was justly suspicious of the Spaniard, 
 and pushed on. At the village of the Poncas, about a league 
 south of the river Quicourt, he stopped only long enough to
 
 ASTORIA. 567 
 
 procure a supply of dried buffalo meat. On the morning of the 
 twenty-fifth, it was discovered that Jones and Carson had desert- 
 od. They were pursued, but in vain. The next day, three 
 white men were observed, in two canoes, descending the river. 
 They proved to be three Kentucky hunters Edward Robinson, 
 John Hoback, and Jacob Rizner. They also had passed several 
 years in the upper wilderness, and were now on their way home, 
 but willingly turned back with the expedition. Information de- 
 rived from these recruits, induced Mr. Hunt to alter his route. 
 Hitherto, he had intended to follow the course pursued by 
 Messieurs Lewis and Clarke ascending the Missouri to its 
 forks, and thence, by land, across the mountains. He was in- 
 formed, however, that, in so doing, he would have to pass through 
 the country of the Blackfeet, a savage tribe of Indians, exasperated 
 against the whites, on account of the death of one of their men 
 by the hands of Captain Lewis. Robinson advised a more 
 southerly route. This would carry them over the mountains 
 about where the head waters of the Platte and the Yellowstone 
 take their rise, a much more practicable pass than that of Lewis 
 and Clarke. To this counsel, Mr. Hunt agreed, and resolved to 
 leave the Missouri at the village of the Arickaras, at which they 
 would arrive in a few days. On the first of June, they reached 
 " the great bend " of the river, which here winds for about thirty 
 miles round a circular peninsula, the neck of which is not above 
 two thousand yards across. On the morning of June the third, 
 the party were overtaken by Lisa, much to their dissatisfaction. 
 The meeting was, of course, far from cordial, but an outward ap- 
 pearance of civility was maintained for two days. On the third, 
 a quarrel took place, which was near terminating seriously. It 
 was, however, partially adjusted, and the rival parties coasted 
 along opposite sides of the river, in sight of each other. On the 
 twelfth of June, they reached the village of the Arickaras, be- 
 tween the forty-sixth and forty-seventh parallels of north latitude, 
 and about fourteen hundred and thirty miles above the mouth of 
 the Missouri. In accomplishing thus much of his journey, Mr. 
 Hunt had not failed to meet with a crowd of difficulties, at which 
 we have not even hinted. He was frequently in extreme peril 
 from large bodies of the Sioux, and, at one time, it was a mere
 
 568 ASTORIA. 
 
 accident alone which prevented the massacre of the whole 
 party. 
 
 At the Arickara village, our adventurers were to abandon 
 their boats, and proceed westward across the wilderness. Horses 
 were to be purchased from the Indians ; who could not, however, 
 furnish them in sufficient numbers. In this dilemma, Lisa offered 
 to purchase the boats, now no longer of use, and to pay for them 
 in horses, to be obtained at a fort belonging to the Missouri Fur 
 Company, and situated at the Mandan villages, about a hundred 
 and fifty miles further up the river. A bargain was made, and 
 Messieurs Lisa and Crooks went for the horses, returning with 
 them in about a fortnight. At the Arickara village, if we un- 
 derstand, Mr. Hunt engaged the services of one Edward Rose. 
 He enlisted, as interpreter when the expedition should reach the 
 country of the Upsarokas or Crow Indians, among whom he had 
 formerly resided. On the eighteenth of July, the party took up 
 their line of march. They were still insufficiently provided with 
 horses. The cavalcade consisted of eighty-two, most of them 
 heavily laden with Indian goods, beaver traps, ammunition, and 
 provisions. Each of the partners was mounted. As they took 
 leave of Arickara, the veterans of Lisa's company, as well as 
 Lisa himself, predicted the total destruction of our adventurers. 
 amid the innumerable perils of the wilderness. 
 
 To avoid the Blackfeet Indians, a ferocious and implacable 
 tribe, of which we have before spoken, the party kept a south- 
 western direction. This route took them across some of the 
 tributary streams of the Missouri, and through immense prairies, 
 bounded only by the horizon. Their progress was, at first, slow, 
 and, Mr. Crooks falling sick, it was necessary to make a litter 
 for him between two horses. On the twenty-third of the month, 
 they encamped on the banks of a little stream, nicknamed Big 
 River, where they remained several days, meeting with a 
 variety of adventures. Among other things, they were enabled 
 to complete their supply of horses from a band of the Cheyenne 
 Indians. On the sixth of August, the journey was resumed, and 
 they soon left the hostile region of the Sioux behind them. 
 About this period, a plot was discovered on the part of the inter- 
 preter, Edward Rose. This villain had been tampering with (he
 
 ASTORIA. 569 
 
 men, and proposed, upon arriving among his old acquaintances 
 the Crows, to desert to the savages with as much booty as could 
 be carried off. The matter was adjusted, however, and Mr 
 Rose, through the ingenuity of Mr. Hunt, quietly dismissed. On 
 (he thirteenth, Mr. H. varied his course to the*westward, a route 
 which soon brought him to a fork of the Little Missouri, and 
 upon the skirts of the Black Mountains. These are an extensive 
 chain, lying about a hundred miles east of the Rocky Mountains, 
 stretching north-easterly from the south fork of the river Platte 
 to the great north bent of the Missouri, and dividing the waters 
 of the Missouri from those of the Mississippi and Arkansas. The 
 travellers here supposed themselves to be about two hundred and 
 fifty miles from the village of the Arickaras. Their more serious 
 troubles now commenced. Hunger and thirst, with the minor 
 difficulties of grizzly bears, beset them at every turn, as they 
 attempted to force a passage through the rugged barriers in their 
 path. At length, they emerged upon a stream of clear water, 
 one of the forks of Powder river, and once more beheld wide 
 meadows and plenty of buffalo. They ascended this stream 
 about eighteen miles, directing their march towards a lofty 
 mountain, which had been in sight since the seventeenth. They 
 reached the base of this mountain, which proved to be a spur of 
 the Rocky chain, on the thirtieth, having now come about four 
 hundred miles since leaving Aricknra. 
 
 For one or two days, they endeavored in vain to find a defile 
 in the mountains. On the third of September, they made an 
 attempt to force a passage to the westward, but soon become 
 entangled among rocks and precipices, which set all their efforts 
 at defiance. They were now too in the region of the terrible 
 Upsarokas, and encountered them at every step. They met also 
 with friendly bands of Shoshonies and Flatheads. After a 
 thousand troubles, they made some way upon their journey. On 
 the ninth, they reached Wind river, a stream which gives its 
 name to a range of mountains consisting of three parallel chains, 
 eighty miles long and about twenty-five broad. " One of its 
 peaks,'' says our author, "is probably fifteen thousand feet above 
 he level of the sea." For five days, Mr. Hunt followed up the 
 :ourse of Wind river, crossing and recrossing it. He had been
 
 570 ASTORIA. 
 
 assured by the three hunters who advised Kim to strike through 
 the wilderness, that, by going on up the river, and crossing a 
 single mountain ridge, he would come upon the head waters of 
 the Columbia. The scarcity of game, however, determined him 
 to pursue a different course. In the course of the day, after 
 coming to this resolve, they perceived three mountain peaks, 
 white with snow, and which were recognized by the hunters as 
 rising just above a fork of the Columbia. These peaks were 
 named the Pilot Knobs by Mr. Hunt. The travellers continued 
 their course for about forty miles to the south-west, and, at length, 
 found a river flowing to the west. This proved to be a branch 
 of the Colorado. They followed its current for fifteen miles. On 
 the eighteenth, abandoning its main course, they took a north- 
 westerly direction for eight miles, and reached one of its little 
 tributaries, issuing from the bosom of the mountains, and running 
 through green meadows abounding in buffalo. Here, they en- 
 camped for several days, a little repose being necessary for both 
 men and horses. On the twenty-fourth, the journey was resumed. 
 Fifteen miles brought them to a stream about fifty feet wide, 
 which was recognized as one of the head waters of the Columbia. 
 They kept along it for two days, during which it gradually 
 swelled into a river of some size. At length, it was joined by 
 another current, and both united swept off in an unimpeded 
 stream, which, from its rapidity and turbulence had received the 
 appellation of Mad river. Down this, they anticipated an un- 
 interrupted voyage, in canoes, to the point of their ultimate des- 
 tination but their hopes were very far from being realized. 
 
 The partners held a consultation. The three hunters who 
 had hitherto acted as guides, knew nothing of the region to the 
 west of the Rocky Mountains. It was doubtful whether Mad 
 river could be navigated, and they could hardly resolve to aban- 
 don their horses upon an uncertainty. The vote, nevertheless, 
 was for embarkation, and they proceeded to build the necessary 
 vessels. In the meantime, Mr. Hunt, having now reached the 
 head waters of the Columbia, reputed to abound in beaver, turn- 
 ed his thoughts to the main object of the expedition. Four men, 
 Alexander Carson, Louis St. Michel, Pierre Detaye, and Pierre 
 Dehuu.ay, were detached from the expedition, to remain and
 
 ASTORIA. 571 
 
 trap beaver by themselves in the wilderness. Having collected 
 H sufficient quantity of peltries, they were to bring them to the 
 dtjpot, at the mouth of the Columbia, or to some intermediate 
 post to be established by the company. These trappers had just 
 departed, when two Snake Indians wandered into the camp, and 
 declared the river to be unnavigable. Scouts sent out by Mr. 
 Hunt finally confirmed this report. On the fourth of October, 
 therefcn'o, the encampment was broken up, and the party pro- 
 ceeded to search for a post in possession of the Missouri Fur 
 Company, and said to be somewhere in the neighborhood, upon 
 the banks of another branch of the Columbia. This post, they 
 found without much difficulty. It was deserted and our tra- 
 vellers gladly took possession of the rude buildings. The stream 
 here found, was upwards of a hundred yards wide. Canoes 
 were constructed with all despatch. In the meantime, another 
 detachment of trappers was cast loose in the wilderness. These 
 were Robinson, Rezner, Hoback, Carr, and Mr. Joseph Miller. 
 This latter, it will be remembered, was one of the partners he 
 threw up his share in the expedition, however, for a life of more 
 perilous adventure. On the eighteenth of the month, (October,) 
 fifteen canoes being completed, the voyagers embarked, leaving 
 their horses in charge of the two Snake Indians, who were still 
 in company. 
 
 In the course of the day, the party arrived at the junction of 
 the stream upon which they floated, with Mad river. Here, 
 Snake river commences the scene of a thousand disasters. After 
 proceeding about four hundred miles, by means of frequent por- 
 tages, and beset with innumerable difficulties of every kind, the 
 adventurers were brought to a halt by a series of frightful ca 
 taracts, raging as far as the eye could reach, between stupendous 
 ramparts of black rock, rising more than two hundred feet per- 
 pendicularly. This place, they called " The Caldron Linn." 
 Here, Antoine Clappine, one of the voyageurs, perished amid the 
 whirlpools three of the canoes stuck immovably among the 
 rocks, and one was swept away with all the weapons and effects 
 of four of the boatmen. 
 
 The situation of the party was now lamentable, indeed in the 
 heart of an unknown wilderness, at a loss what routo to take.
 
 572 ASTORIA. 
 
 ignorant of their distance from the place of llieir destination, and 
 witli no human being near them from whom counsel might be 
 taken. Their stock of provisions was reduced to five days 
 allowance, and famine stared them in the face. It was, therefore, 
 more perilous to keep together than to separate. The goods and 
 provisions, except a small supply for each man, were concealed 
 in caches, (holes dug in the earth,) and the party were divided 
 into several small detachments, which started off in different 
 directions, keeping the mouth of the Columbia in view as their 
 ultimate point of destination. From this post, they were still 
 distant nearly a thousand miles, although this fact was unknown 
 to them at the time. 
 
 On the twenty-first of January, after a series of almost in- 
 credible adventures, the division in which Mr. Hunt enrolled 
 himself struck the waters of the Columbia, some distance below 
 the junction of its two great branches, Lewis and Clarke rivers, 
 and not far from the influx of the Wallah- Wallah. Since leaving 
 the Caldron Linn, they had toiled two hundred and forty miles, 
 through snowy wastes and precipitous mountains, and six months 
 had now elapsed since their departure from the Arickara village, 
 on the Missouri their whole route from that point, according to 
 their computation, having been seventeen hundred and fifty-one 
 miles. Some vague intelligence was now received in regard to 
 the other divisions of the party, and also of the settlers at the 
 mouth of the Columbia. On the thirty-first, Mr. Hunt reached 
 the falls of the river, and encamped at the village of Wish-Ham. 
 Here were heard tidings of the massacre on board the Tonquin. 
 On the fifth of February, having procured canoes with much 
 difficulty, the adventurers departed from Wish-Ram, and, on 
 the fifteenth, sweeping round an intervening cape, they came in 
 sight of the long-desired Astoria. Among the first to greet them 
 on their landing, were some of their old comrades, who had 
 parted from them at the Caldron Linn, and who had reached the 
 settlement nearly a month before. Mr. Crooks and John Day, 
 being unable to get on, had been left with some Indians in the 
 wilderness they afterwards came in. Carriere, a voyageur, 
 who was also j bandoned through the sternest necessity, \vaa 
 never heard of more. Jean Babtiste Prevost, likewise a voya-
 
 ASTORIA. 573 
 
 geur, rendered frantic by famine, had been drowned in the Snake; 
 river. All parties had suffered the extremes of weariness, 
 privation and peril. They had travelled from St. Louis, thirty- 
 five hundred miles. Let us now return to Mr. Astor. 
 
 As yet he had received no intelligence from the Columbia, 
 and had to proceed upon the supposition that all had gone as he 
 desired. He accordingly fitted out a fine ship, the Beaver, of 
 four hundred and ninety tons. Her cargo was assorted with a 
 view to the supply of Astoria, the trade along the coast, and the 
 wants of the Russian Fur Company. There embarked in her. 
 for the settlement, a partner, five clerks, fifteen American la- 
 borers, and six Canadian voyageurs. Mr. John Clarke, the 
 partner, was a native of the United States, although he had 
 passed much of his life in the North-west, having been employed 
 in tlie fur trade since the age of sixteen. The clerks were, 
 chiefly, young American gentlemen of good connexions. Mr. 
 Astor had selected this reinforcement with the design of securing 
 an ascendancy of American influence at Astoria, and rendering 
 the association decidedly national. This, from the peculiar cir- 
 cumstances of the case, he had been unable to do in the com- 
 mencement of his undertaking. 
 
 Captain Sowle, the commander of the Beaver, was directed to 
 touch at the Sandwich islands, to inquire about the fortunes of 
 the Tonquin, and ascertain, if possible, whether the settlement 
 had been effected at Astoria. If so, he was to enlist as many of 
 the natives as possible and proceed. He was to use great caution 
 in his approach to the mouth of the Columbia. If everything 
 was found right, however, he was to land such part of his cargo 
 as was intended for the post, and to sail for New Archangel with 
 the Russian supplies. Having received furs in payment, he 
 would return to Astoria, take in the peltries there collected, and 
 make the best of his way to Canton. These were the strict 
 letter of his instructions a deviation from which was subse- 
 quently the cause of great embarrassment and loss, and contri- 
 buted largely to the failure of the whole enterprise. The Beaver 
 sailed on the tenth of October, 1811, and, after taking in twelve 
 natives at the Sandwich islands, reached the mouth of the Co- 
 lumbia, in safety, on the ninth of May, 1812. Her arrival gave
 
 574 ASTORIA. 
 
 life and vigor to the establishment, and afforded means of ox- 
 tending the operations of the company, and founding a number 
 of interior trading posts. 
 
 Tt now became necessary to send despatches over land to Mr 
 Astor, at New York, an attempt at so doing having been frus- 
 trated some time before by the hostility of the Indians at Wish- 
 Ram. The task was confided to M. Robert Stuart, who, though 
 he had never been across the mountains, had given evidence of 
 his competency for such undertakings. He was accompanied by 
 Ben. Jones and John Day, Kentuckians; Andri Vallar and 
 Francis Le Clerc, Canadians ; and two of the partners, Messieurs 
 M'Lellan and Crooks, who were desirous of returning to the 
 Atlantic States. This little party set out on the twenty-ninth of 
 June, and Mr. Irving accompanies them, in detail, throughout 
 the whole of their long and dangerous wayfaring. As might be 
 expected, they encountered mistortunes still more terrible than 
 those before experienced by Mr. Hunt and his associates. The 
 chief features of the journey were the illness of Mr. Crooks, and 
 the loss of all the horses of the party through the villany of the 
 Upsarokas. This latter circumstance was the cause of excessive 
 trouble and great delay. On the thirtieth of April, however, 
 the party arrived, in fine health and spirits, at St. Louis, having 
 been ten months in performing their perilous expedition. The 
 route taken by Mr. Stuart coincided nearly with that of Mr. 
 Hunt, as far as the Wind river mountains. From this point, the 
 former struck somewhat to the south-east, following the Nebraska 
 to its junction with the Missouri. 
 
 War having at length broken out between the United States 
 and England, Mr. Astor perceived that the harbor of New York 
 would be blockaded, and the departure of the annual supply ship 
 in the autumn prevented. In this emergency, he wrote to 
 Captain Sowle, the commander of the Beaver, addressing him at 
 Canton. The letter directed him to proceed to the factory, at 
 the mouth of the Columbia, with such articles as the establish- 
 ment might need, and to remain there subject to the orders of 
 Mr. Hunt. In the meantime, nothing had yet been heard from 
 the settlement. Still, not discouraged, Mr. A. determined to 
 send out another ship, although the risk of loss was so greatlv
 
 ASTORIA. 575 
 
 enhanced that no insurance could be effected. The Lark was 
 chosen remarkable for her fast sailing. She put to sea on 
 the sixth of March, 1813, under the command of Mr. Northrop, 
 her mate the officer first appointed to command her having 
 shrunk from his engagement. Within a fortnight after her de- 
 parture, Mr. A. received intelligence that the North-west Com- 
 pany had presented a memorial to Great Britain, stating the 
 vast scope of the contemplated operations at Astoria, expressing 
 a fear that, unless crushed, the settlement there would effect the 
 downfall of their own fur trade, and advising that a force be sent 
 against the colony. In consequence, the frigate Phrebe was or- 
 dered to convoy the armed ship Isaac Todd, belonging to the 
 North-west company, and provided with men and munitions for 
 the formation of a new establishment. They were directed " to 
 proceed together to the mouth of the Columbia, capture or des- 
 troy whatever American fortress thej would find there, and 
 plant the British flag on its ruins." Upon this matter's being 
 represented to our government, the frigate Adams, Captain 
 Crane, was detailed for the protection of Astoria ; and Mr. A. 
 proceeded to fit out a ship called the Enterprise, to sail in com- 
 pany with the frigate, and freighted with additional supplies. 
 Just, however, as the two vessels were ready, a reinforcement of 
 seamen was wanted for Lake Ontario, and the crew oi the 
 Adams were, necessarily, transferred to that service. Mr. A. 
 was about to send off his ship alone, when a British force made 
 its appearance off the Hook, and New York was effectually 
 blockaded. The Enterprise, therefore, was unloaded arid dis- 
 mantled. We now return to the Beaver. 
 
 This vessel, after leaving at Astoria that portion of her cargo 
 destined for that post, sailed for New Archangel on the fourth of 
 August, 1812. She arrived there on the nineteenth, meeting 
 with no incidents of moment. A long time was now expended 
 in negotiations with the drunken governor of the Russian fur 
 colony one Count Baranoff and when they were finally com- 
 pleted, the month of October had arrived. Moreover, in pay- 
 ment for his supplies, Mr. Hunt was to receive seal-skins, and 
 none were on the spot. It was necessary, therefore, to proceed 
 to a seal-catching establishment belonging to the Russian com
 
 57G ASTORIA. 
 
 pany at the Island of St. Paul, in the sea of Kamschatka. Tie 
 set sail for this place on the fourth of October, after having wasted 
 Ibrty-five days at New Archangel. He arrived on the thirty- 
 first of the month by which time, according to his arrangement, 
 he should have been back at Astoria. Now occurred great delay 
 in getting the peltries on board ; every pack being overhauled to 
 prevent imposition. To make matters worse, the Beaver one 
 night was driven offshore in a gale, and could not get back until 
 the thirteenth of November. Having at length taken in the 
 cargo and put to sea, Mr. Hunt was in some perplexity as to his 
 course. The ship had been much injured in the late gale, and 
 he thought it imprudent to attempt making the mouth of the 
 Columbia in this boisterous time of the year. Moreover, the 
 season was already much advanced ; and should he proceed to 
 Astoria as originally intended, he might arrive at Canton so late 
 as to find a bad market. Unfortunately, therefore, he deter 
 mined to go at once to the Sandwich Islands, there await the 
 arrival of the annual ship from New York, take passage in her 
 to the settlement, and let the Beaver proceed on her voyage to 
 China. It is but justice to add that he was mainly induced to 
 this course by the timid representations of Captain Sowle. They 
 reached Woahoo in safety, where the ship underwent the neces- 
 sary repairs, and again put to sea on the first of January, 1813, 
 leaving Mr. Hunt on the Island. 
 
 At Canton, Captain Sowle found the letter of Mr. Astor, giv- 1 
 ing him information of the war, and directing him to convey the 
 intelligence to Astoria. He wrote a reply, in which he declined 
 complying with these orders, saying that he would wait for peace, 
 nnd then return home. In the meantime Mr. Hunt waited in 
 vain for the annual vessel. At length, about the twentieth of 
 June, the ship Albatross, Captain Smith, arrived from China, 
 bringing the first news of the war to the Sandwich Islands. 
 This ship Mr. II. chartered for two thousand dollars, to land; 
 him, with some supplies, at Astoria. lie reached this post on : 
 the twentieth of August, where he found the affairs of the com- 
 pany in .1 perishing condition, and the partners bent upon aban- 
 doning the settlement. To this resolution Mr. Hunt was finally 
 br.mght to consent. There was a lartre stock of furs, however,
 
 ASTORIA. 577 
 
 at the factory, which it was necessary to get to a market, and a 
 ship was required for this service. The Albatross was bound to 
 the Marquesas, and thence to the Sandwich Islands ; and it was 
 received that Mr. H. should sail in her in quest of a vessel, re- 
 turning, if possible, by the first of January, and bringing with 
 him a supply of provisions. He departed on the twenty-sixth 
 of August, and reached the Marquesas without accident. Commo- 
 dore Porter soon afterward arrived, bringing intelligence that the 
 British frigate Phoebe, with a store-ship mounted with battering 
 pieces, together with the sloops of war Cherub and Racoon, had 
 all sailed, from Rio Janiero, on the sixth of July, bound for the 
 mouth of the Columbia. Mr. H., after in vain attempting to 
 purchase a whale ship from Commodore Porter, started, on the 
 twenty-third of November, for the Sandwich Islands, arriving 
 on December the twentieth. Here he found Captain Northrop, 
 of the Lark, which had suffered shipwreck on the coast about 
 the middle of March. The brig Pedlar was now purchased for 
 ten thousand dollars, and, Captain N. being put in command ot 
 her, Mr. H. sailed for Astoria on the twenty-second of January, 
 1814, with the view of removing the property there, as speedily 
 as possible, to the Russian settlements in the vicinity these were 
 Mr. Astor's orders sent out by the Lark. On the twenty-eighth 
 of February the brig anchored in the Columbia, when it was 
 found that, on the twelfth of December, the British had taken 
 possession of the post. In some negotiations carried on, just be- 
 fore the surrender, on the part of the North-west company and 
 M'Dougal, that worthy personage gave full evidence that Cap- 
 tain Thorn was not far wrong in suspecting him to be no better 
 than he should be. He had been for some time, secretly a part- 
 ner of the rival association, and shortly before the arrival of the 
 British, took advantage of his situation as head of the post, to 
 barter away the property of the company at less than one-third 
 of its value. 
 
 Thus failed this great enterprise of Mr. Astor. At the peace. 
 Astoria itself, by the treaty of Ghent, reverted with the adjacent 
 country to the United States, on the principle of status ante 
 helium. In the winter of 1815, Congress passed a law prohibit- 
 ing all traffic of British traders within our territories, and Mr
 
 578 ASTORIA. 
 
 A. felt anxious to seize this opportunity for the renewal ofliis 
 undertaking. For good reasons, however, he could do nothing 
 without the direct protection of the government. This evincod 
 much supineness in the matter ; the favorable moment was suf- 
 fered to pass unimproved; and, in despite of the prohibition of 
 Congress, the British finally usurped the lucrative traffic in pel- 
 tries throughout the whole of our vast territories in the North* 
 west. A very little aid from the sources whence he had natu- 
 rally a right to expect it, would have enabled Mr. Astor to direct 
 this profitable commerce into national channels, and to render 
 New York, what London has now long been, the great emporium 
 for furs. 
 
 We have already spoken of the masterly manner in which 
 Mr. Irving has executed his task. It occurs to us that we have 
 observed one or two slight discrepancies in the narrative. There 
 appears to be some confusion between the names of M'Lellan, 
 M'Lennon and M'Lennan or do these three appellations refer 
 to the same individual? In going up the Missouri, Mr. Hunt 
 arrives at the Great Bend on the first of June, the third day 
 after which (the day on which the party is overtaken by Lisa) is 
 said to be the third of July. Jones and Carson join the expedi- 
 tion just above the Omaha village. At page 187, vol. 1, we are 
 told that the two men " who had joined the company at the Maha 
 village" (meaning Omaha, we presume), deserted and were pur- 
 sued, but never overtaken at page 199, however, Carson is 
 recognized by an Indian who is holding a parley with the party. 
 The Lark too, only sailed from New York on the sixth of March, 
 1813, and on the tenth, we find her, much buffeted, somewhere 
 in the near vicinity of the Sandwich Islands. These errors are 
 of little importance in themselves, but may as well be rectified 
 in a future edition. 
 
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