The Laird of Loga^^ THE LAIRD OF Logan BEING Anecdotes and Tales illustrative of the Wit and Humour of Scotland EDITED BY JOHN DONALD CAERICK Author of "The Life of Sir WiUiam Wallace"; WILLIAM MOTHERWELL Author of ^^ Minstrelsy, Ancient and Modern" ; AND ANDREW HENDERSON Author of " The Proverbs of Scotland," LONDON SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT & CO GLASGOW: THOMAS D. MORISON BEARINGS IN THE LAIRD'S LOG. Longitude. Lat. Long. Ac. to Ag. T«t Dedication, - . - • 5 A Conjugal Mistake, - 103 pRiriPArm • • > « 7 A Convenient Jail, - 176 X axur AV-ui • ^ ~ A Considerate Doctor, - • - 206 BlOOBAPHT OF A Consultation, - 200 John Donald Cabriok, > . 18 A Crap for a' Corns, - 121 "William Mothebwbll, . . 22 A Critical Elder, - - 315 Andrew Hendkbson, . 24 A Daft Bargain, - . 119 A Dangerous Shot, - • . 262 A Dean among the Beggars, • - 157 Lon^:. Ab to Ac Lat. A Deep Cut, - - - - A Determined Debater, - 282 - 313 A Beautiful Island, - 51 A Disconsolate Widow, . 189 A Beggar's Discharge, - - 154 A Discriminating Eater, . 314 A Beggar's Entry, - - 320 A Doctrinal Preacher, - 48 & 261 A Beggar's Bequest, - 88 A Dog Tax, . - . . . 203 A Black Sheep, - 139 A Double Discharge, - 112 A Broth of a Boy, • . 193 A Drunkard's Apology, . 316 A Bute Toast, - 265 A Dry Rub, - - . . . 212 A Canvassing Cobbler, - - 42 A Family Debt, - - 120 A Careful Walk, - - 284 A Family Likeness, - 199 A Case of Distress, - 202 A Female Chancellor, - - 261 A Case Supposed, - . . 62 A Friendship worth Having, - - 163 A Cautious Adviser, - 283 A Friend in Need, - . 204 A Chance Hit, . 153 A Friend at Table, - 195 A Charge of Horning, • - 44 A Geographical Politician, . 204 A Cheap Wife, . 192 A Geographical Prayer, • - 101 A Clerical Antiquary, • . • 180 A Glasgow Blow-Out, - 294 A Clerical Cook, - 326 A Glasgow Civic, - - 142 A Clerical Nurse, - . 326 A Good Natured Civic, - - 92 A Collieshangie, Anglice, Dog A Grood Natured Client, - 292 Quarrel, - - 283 A Good Salesman, - - 259 A Conditional Prayer, - - 101 A Goose on the Wing, - - 44 A Conjugal Hint, - - 242 A Grave Concern. - - 306 lO THE LAIRD OF Long. Ag. to An. Lat. A Great Noise and Little Wool, 328 A Highland Apology, 310 A Highland Cabinetmaker, ■ 98 A Highland Caution, 306 A Highland Charge, 308 A Highland Chronometer, 320 A Highland Echo, . - - • 180 A Highland Epitaph, 52 A Highland Financier, - 59 A Highland Husband, - 313 A Highland Member of the Trade, 90 A Highland Pledge, 100 A Highland Preference, 57 A Highland Servant and Sand- IX Glass, 123 A Highland Voter, 45 A Highland Watchman, 84 A Highland Wonder, - 192 A Hint to Guards to be on theii Guard, 106 A Hint to Masters, 116 A Hint to the Self-Righteous, 199 A Horse for a Ship's Crew, • 97 A Jack Ketch in the North, - 132 A Jeremy Diddler Diddled, - 90 A Kindred Spirit, - . - . 40 A Lady's Reproof, - . - . 214 A Lame Bargain, - - . . 45 A Lawyer's Charity, 178 A Lawyer's Postscript, • 98 A Left-Handed Compliment, 116 A Legal Pursuer, - 102 A Legal Pedant Nonplussed, 48 A Liberal Ofifer, . . • . 335 A Local Tide, . . . . 91 A Logical Deduction, 211 A Man of Letters, - - . ■ 239 A Marriage Bell, . . . • . 180 A Matter of Taste, . 153 A Member of Session, - 189 A Meeting of Friends, • 212 A Mis-Deal, 159 A Modem Jezebel, - . 53 A Modem Oracle, - . • . 336 A Modified Entail, - . 43 A Monkey's Tail, - - 217 A Natural Inference, . 45 A Nautical Road Maker, ■ 203 A New Edition with a Vengeance, 98 A New Light, . 47 LOGAN. Long. An. to As. A Noisy Neighbour, A Northern Socrates, A Nose with a Warrant, A Paisley Pun, A Paisley Toast, A Passing Remark, A Peerless Country, A Perpetual President, A Physician's Apology, A Political Partizan, A Poor Customer, - A Poser, . - - A Practical Joke, - A Practical Remark, A Precentor's Prayer, A Press of Business, A Profitable Servant, A Promise to Balance Acooimts, A Prospect of Relief, A Prudent Advice, A Punch-Drinker from Home, A Qualified Legal Practitioner, A Railing Accusation, - A Real Veteran, - A Rough Passage, - A Royal Pun, A Royal Regiment, A Sacrifice for Conscience, A Scotch Advice, • A Scotch Answer, • • A Scotch Bankrupt, A Scotch Beggar, - A Scotch Bull, A Scottish Casar attempting to Cross the Rubicon, ... 26S A Scotch Coroner, . • - 57 A Scotch Hint, - • - 279 & 326 A Scotch Mason, .... 176 A Scotch Nickname, ... S05 A Scotch Query, . - - - 204 A Scottish Wager, - ... 134 A Self-taught Mason, - • . 13* A Self-Righteous Seceder, . • 278 A Shaving Advice, ... 96 A Shift beyond the last, . - 87 AShortFaU, • - - .197 A Shot on the Wing, ... 124 A Shotts' Summer, ... 258 A Slice of Cold Tongue, • - 317 A Social Dog, - - - - 162 CONTENTS. Long. At. to Ba. A Tale for the Malthusians, • A Thrasher, - - - • A Tractable Stilt, - A Village Timepiece, A Well-timed Reproof, - A Wet Sunday in the Highlands, A Wholesale Merchant, - A Widow's Wonder, A Wooden Substitute, - A Word in Season, A Word of Caution, A Zealous Advocate for the Kitchen Above and Below, ... According to Rule, Adult Baptism, Advantages of having a Parish, Advice to Heritors, Advice from a High Quarter, JEsop Illustrated, - All the Honours, - An Aberdeen Wonder, - An Accident Anticipated, An Accommodating Beggar, - An Alarming Sight, An Ancient Glasgow Magistrate, An Angry Wife's Advice, An Apt Quotation, An Audible Witness, An Economical Preacher, An Enraged Amateur, - An Exciseman in Distress, An Extensive Manufactory, • An Heir of Entail, - An 111 Habit, An Ill-used Bankrupt, • An Irish Debt, An Irish Exception, • • An Irish Expositor, An Irish Objection, An Irish Reading of the Riot Act, An Irish Survivorship, - An Irish AVonder, Antibilious Soup, - - . Ab you were, - . - - Attending a Funeral, Aoricidar Translation, - Aye the Avdd Scottish Kail Brose, Lat. 281 46 154 256 279 285 209 76 335 180 193 205 151 310 312 54 40 257 314 271 165 255 55 84 165 88 57 274 161 162 106 52 202 82 161 190 263 56 207 104 276 154 51 259 156 194 182 B. Balance of Evils, . 158 Long. Ba. to Co. Bauchie Lee, - Bearding the Lion, - Beasts of Burden, - . Beating the Air, Before Elders' Hours, Beggars' and Baronets' Bairns. Beginning at the Wrong End, Beginning in Time, Below Proof, .... Bell the Cat, . - - . Better a Finger aff than aye Wag gmg, Better a Wee Bush than Nae Beild, Better to Haud than to Draw, Bills on Demand, ... Bills Payable, Birds of a Feather, Birth-Place of Sir Isaac Newton, Blank Verse, - - - - Board without Lodging, Booking at the Paisley Coach Office, Bound or Free, Brandy Twist, Bread and Cheese, Breaking up a Dinner Party, - Brevity in Business, Burns and the Glasgow BooksellerB, 194 0. II Lat. 293 26a 307 328 262 205 292 314 89 321 8a 107 305 120 259 333 lis 198 99 60 309 262 308 118 257 Cameron, William, alias Hawkie, 35 Carving for the Ladies, - . 110 Celts and the Secession, 170 Changed Times, . 192 Cheap way of Paying Fare, 119 Chemical Diatribes, 160 Church Accommodation, . 56 &313 Church Going, • 194 Churchyard Queries and Replies, 89 Clerical Candour, • 319 Clerical Retort, . 97 Clerical Water Brash, - . 119 Cloth Measure, • 120 Club Law, 108 Coach Office Queries, . 60 Cockneys from Home, - . 195 Collector and Commission, 155 Colin Dulap, - 74 Colour versus Courage, - . 279 Commercial Importance, 16* 12 THE LAIRD Long. Co. to Fi. Lat. Coquetting Extraordinary, • - 188 Courtesies of the Table, - - 55 Courting for Cake and Pudding, - 186 Cripples are great boasters. Break your leg and try, - - - 329 Crit«rion of Taste, ... 159 OF LOGAN. D. Danger of Weaning too Early, Deference to the Ladies, Desideratum at a Breakfast Table, Determined Opposition, DiflSculty of Raising the Wind, Division of Labour, Doctor Chalmers and the Deistical Cobbler, - . . - Doctrine and Practice, • Dogged Resistance, Dog-English, . . - . Double Vision, - . . Drawing the Long Bow, Duncan Dhu, ... Dunning Dogs, Dunning Extraordinary, • Dunning in the Highlands, • Dust and Drought, 58 242 92 327 179 43 89 327 280 240 261 54 124 240 15.5 116 155 E. Economy in Coloora, • • • 59 Economy of the Teeth, - • - 115 Enough is as good as a Feast, - 56 Entertainment for Men and Horses, 314 Epitaph in a Church Yard in Inverness-shire, - - - 188 Every Body has his Bubbly Jock, 105 Every Man to hia Trade, - - 260 F. Facetious Chambermaid, - - 176 Facts and Fiction, - . - - 303 Faith and Works, . - 110 & 111 Family Debts, - 69 Female Astronomers, - 289 Female Generalship, . 266 Ferrier, Doctor, . 211 Fighting Men, - 238 Long. Gl. to Ho. Ut G. Glossary of Scottish Termi and Phrases, 337 Good Excuse for a Bad Hat, • - 46 Going and Coming, - - - 313 Gravy before Meat, • . - 160 H. Hard Arguments, .... 319 Hawkie, alias, William Cameron, Memoir of , - - - - 35 Hawkie on Professional Consistency, 279 Hawkie on Professional Modesty, . 255 Hawkie on Trial by Jury, - 253 Hawkie's Pledge, - - 123 Hawkie's Politics, • - 123 Hawkie's Retorts to the Police, ■ 58 Hawkie's Vocation, . 155 Heads or Tails, . 121 He that's scant o' win' should na meddle wi' a Chanter ; or pu t the Pipes in the Pock, - ■ 93 Highland Accommodation, - 191 Highland Arithmetic, • . 55 Highland Astronomers, • - lOO Highland Banishment, • - 303 Highland Cure for Rheumatism, 117 Highland Descent, • • 81 Highland Determination, 253 Highland Distinctions, - . 321 Highland Economy, 288 Highlandman and the Gas, 179 Highland Hospitality, - . 167 Highland Medical Prescript) on, . 169 Highland Negatives, . 308 Highland Notion of Tooth-Brushes 206 Highland Packing, • . 335 Highland Personification, 88 Highland Polling, - ■ 108 Highland Retort, - 104 Highland Synonyms, 170 Highland Thieves, - ■ 176 Highland Wit, 61 Hints to Emigrants, . 293 Home Manufacture, 85 Hope Deferred, 61 Homing and Caption, • . 99 Hospitality of the Manse, ■ 102 How to Regulate the Tongue, . 241 CONTENTS. Lonjy. Ig. to Lo. Lat. Ignorance of Forms, . . 92 I'll make them Sing, . 282 Inadvertent Admission, • . 91 Infantine Shrewdness, - . - 326 In the Key of F sharp, - - 239 In the Nick of Time, - . 323 Irish Recognition, - - 60 Irish Right of Possession, - 85 It's an ill thow (thaw) that jomes frae the North, . 280 J. Jedburgh Justice in Gorbals, . • 93 Jock Mair and the Lawyers, - • 201 Johnnie Coup the Creel, - • 147 Jones, Captain, .... 182 Jottings from the Journal of a Paisley Manufacturer, - - 297 Keep your Gab Steekit when ye kenna your Company, - - 46 Kilmarnock Prediction, - • » 56 Kilmarnock Thieves, • ■ • 192 L. Language of the Feet, - . 154 Learned Commentators,. . 196 Letter from Literary Bob, . 171 Lifting the Stipend, . 274 Literal Obedience, - . 258 Literary Honour, . . - . 212 Logan, Laird of, Memoir of the, • 28 Logan and a Lean Friend, 107 Logan and an English Jockey, . 196 Logan and ^sop, - . 101 Logan and his Spectacles, 206 Logan and the Ayr Bank, 41 Logan and the Ayr Volunteers, - 191 Logan and the Lawyer, - . 41 Logan's Jockeyship, 97 Long. Lo. to Nu. Logan on Chemical Analysis, Logan at Home, . . - Logan, the Laird like Himself, Love at Sight, ... M. Macadam and General Wade Out- done, . . - - Making the most of a Customer, Maternal Solicitude, Mathematical Question, Meat and Drink, - Meat and Mustard, Memoirs of a Paisley Bailie, Memoir of a Military Goose, Mercantile Alarm, - Might and Right, - Moral Negation, Moral of the Arms of the Isle of Man, .... More Smoke than Fire, - More than a Providential Escape, More than Double Quick Time, Mother Tongue, . - . Mother Wit, - - - - Much between the Cup and the Lip, Music in Church, but not Church Music, • - • 13 Lat. 161 96 63 52 N. National Partiality, Nature's Rhetoric, - • No Friendship in Trade, No Returns, - - . Northern Shibboleths, • No Tee-Totaller, - Nothing like being Particular, Notice to Quit, Notice to Highland Customers, Not in Harmony, - Not in Haste, . . - Not in Tune, ... Not known upon Change, Not Mincing the Matter, Nursery Rhymes, 14 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Long. Ob. to Qu. O. Obedient Wives, .... OflE-taking and Taidng-off, One of Job's Comforters, One Thing Certain, Orthographical Decoction, Out of the Frying Pan into the Fire, Overland Journey to Demerara, ■ Lat. 42 326 218 43 100 156 ia5 Painting from Nature, • • . 261 Paisley Geography, ... 119 Paisley Observatory, - - - 124 Parchments and Plaster, - - 319 Parenthesis in Prayer, - • - 326 Parties not Agreed, - - - 258 Passages from the Diary of a Ven- triloquist, .... 329 Passing Strange, ... - 257 Paying in Coin, .... 190 Payment in Kind, - • - - 303 Pigs and Puppies, ... - 163 Pleasant Travelling, - - .110 Pleasures of Hope, .... 210 Police Eloquence, ... - 207 Popping the Question, - - - 306 Popular Preaching, - - 51 & 185 Precedence in Pandemonium, - 63 Precedent, 160 Presumptive Evidence, - - - 93 Proof against Headache, - - 178 Professional Industry, - . - 162 Profession and Practice, an Epitaph, 276 Promise versus Reform, - - - 171 Putting oflE a Beggar, - - - 88 Putting through Work, - - - 328 Question and Answer, . > - 323 Long. Ra. to Sk. Lat. B. Hab Hamilton, .... 62 Rab on Monies, . . - - 62 Rab's Dream, . . . . 62 Randy Nanny, . . . - 272 Rank at its Value, . . . - 197 Readable Type, - . - - 155 Readings by the Roadside, 274 Ready, aye Ready, - - - . 309 Recipe for speaking English, 240 Reconciled to Circumstances, 208 Rendering a Reason, 212 Repentance, 207 Right of Hypothec, ... 54 Rights of Property, 280 Robertson of Kilmarnock, Memoir of, 33 s. Sacrifice for Conscience, - - 241 Safety in Flight, - - - - 216 Sagacious Sweep, . - - - 105 Salmon vei'sus Sermon, • • - 103 Salutary Dread, - - . - 203 Sandy Munchausen, ... 144 Scenic Representation, • • - 86 Science, 207 Scotch Accommodation,- • - 335 Scotch Pertinacity, ... 284 Scraps of Scottish Character, - 124 Sea-Bathing Extraordinary, - - 176 See and Believe, . - . - 318 Self-Denial, 41 Self-Righteousness Reproved, - 189 Self-Protection, - ... 204 Sent Home, 312 Siller in the Bank, . - - . 103 Singular Expression of Sympathy, 118 Sir Walter Scott and the King of Saxony, - - - - . 306 Skin and Bone, . - - - 317 CONTENTS. Long. Sm. to tt. Lat. Smelling Strong of the Shop, - 176 Son and Father, . . • • 129 Sorrows of a Seestu", • • - 103 Sound not an Echo to the Sense, - 197 Souter Johnny, .... 208 Speir, Will, Memoir of, - • • 34 Stand by your Order, - • - 162 Statu Quo, 256 Striking Ldkeness, - . . • 122 T. Taking for Granted, Taking Stock, Taking Things Coolly, Tax on Absentees, - Testing the Matter, The Accident Accommodating, The Astonished Fiddler, The Ass turned Gentleman, - The Bailie and the Bear, The Banker at a Discount, • The Bar and the Bench, The Bark waur than the Bite, The Benighted Minister, The Best of Things may be Abused The Bite and the Blow, - The Biter Bit, The Church in Danger, - The Cut Clerical, ■ The Cock of the Company, - The Dead Defunct, The Diet Deserted, or John Bull in a Strait, - The Disadvantages of having a too Indulgent Wife, The Doctor at a Discount, The Effect of Habit, The Grey Mare the Better Horse, The Hard Bargain, The Height of Impudence, The Highland Calendar, The Highland Drill, 320 84 85 277 283 328 117 263 143 317 318 150 271 194 120 112 187 334 181 165 157 269 242 45 309 311 83 61 80 15 Lat. Long. Th. to Tw, The Highland Fling, The Home Department, . - - The Honours of the Table, The Laird and his Footman, • The Laird of Barloch, - - The Laird of Dribbledriech, and the Blue Monkey, - The Language of Tears, - The Last Debt, .... The Last Laird o' the Auld Mint, - The Late Lords Eldiu and Hermand, The Letter of the Law, - The Miller's Man, - The Muckle Man, - The Patronage of the Cloth, The Pith of the Pudding is the Stuffing, - The Practical Inference, The Previous Question, - The Retort Courteous, - The Rival Clubs, - The Root of the Matter, The Route Home, - The Ruling Passion strong in Death, The Salter, 130 The Sick Minister, - - - - 181 The Tailor, 126 The Translation Accommodated, - 256 The Traveller Nonplussed, - The Two Donalds, .... The Usual Apology, The Weary Piece of Tow, The Wonder Resolved, ... Thorn of Govan, .... Those who Find Keep, ... Three Merry Boys, .... Three Strings to the Bow, To a Jolly Bachelor on his being presented, by a few Friends, with an Elegant Tea-Kettle, • Too Common, 208 Travellers' Room, - . - . 113 Twa vera Brithers, ... 199 Two Halves make a Whole, - . 302 321 44 39 81 159 290 262 48 237 88 191 149 125 209 210 90 107 179 316 41 185 168 193 200 39 318 77 158 306 243 320 312 i6 Long. Op. to Wh. Lat. U. Up and Down for once the same, - 278 V. Very Characteristic, Volunteers on Service, THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Long. Wh. to SI, What Matin be Maun be, When we Fell we aye got up again, Will Speir and the Beith Tailors, • Will ^ir and the Excisemen, Win Voting in the Supplies, - Wiflhaw Post and the Weavers, - Writing for the Future, W. 68 178 Want of Opposition, - - - 207 What is and What is not in a Name, 27 Lat. 151 216 178 198 108 202 216 GL08SABT OF SCOTTISH TBBMS AND Places, 337 BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE EDITORS. The present Work, as its title imports, is intended as a sort of embodiment or concentrated essence of the floating facetiae and indigenous wit and humour of the western and north-western districts of Scotland during a period stretching back for about two-thirds of a centiiry, with a view to exhibit, in rough relief, many peculiar tastes and habits, local customs and humours, characteristic of certain conditions of society, which the levelling influences of a progressive ciNnlization have now nearly obliterated. The contents of this volume have been the contribution of variouu individuals, either in the form of original pieces or as restaurateurs and collectors of the loose and floating traditionary humours and comic legends, lingering long amid scenes once vocal with the broad mirth and sarcastic license of the olden times and better days of the un- trammelled Scottish Muse. Of these contributors, the principal was the late Mr. John Donald Carrick, who was the first to introduce to the world the characteristic humour and genius of the once celebrated Laikd of Logan, whose original and pungent wit so often set the dinner tables of his day on a roar ; and who has had the good fortune, by the instrumentality of his con- genial biographer and the placing his name on the title page of a popular work, to contribute to the convivial happiness and social enjoyment of a generation which otherwise might never have known him. Another important contributor, if not in quantity, at least in quality, was the late lamented William Motherwell. A third individual was the well known Andrew Henderson, portrait painter, Glasgow, of whom many characteristic anecdotes are here given — an individual of original talent, and of a vigoroug but somewhat rough and eccentric cast of character. These three persons of acknowledged genius — differing widely, however, in its peculiar modes and manifestations — lived for some of the later years of their lives in habits of the strictest intimacy ; and it is painful to add that as in their lives they were closely united, so in their deaths they were not far separated — they having all three died in the course of about two years, and their congenial ashes now repose within a short distance of each other. We think it will be acceptable to many to whom these individuals were per- sonally known, and to many more who admired and respected them as men of unquestionable genius, to prefix brief memoirs of their lives to this enlarged series of a work, with the original of which their connexion was so intimate. The materials for their biography are indeed so meagre and scanty that all we can promise to supply will be a mere sketchy outline ; yet, faint as it must necessarily be, it may shed a few rays of light upon their memories, and awaken many pleasing and some painful reminiscences of their several 2 i8 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. characters and excellencies in the minds of those who still lament OYcr their premature decease. Dr. Johnson remarks, that whatever connects ue with the past or the future tends to exalt us in the scale of bemg. The biographer and his reader, then, wlio linger over the untimely grave of worth or genius, cannot but be profitably employed ; and, with this comfortable assurance, we proceed to the brief but interesting annals of JOHN DONALD CARRICK. He was born in Glasgow, in the month of April, 1787. His father, we believe, came from the neighbourhood of Buchlyvie, in Stirlingshire, and settled in that busy and thriving city. Mr. Carrick's mother is said to have been a woman of a superior cast of character, with keen powers of observation and strong natural humour — qualities which she transmitted in an ample proportion to the subject of this notice. From the limited circumstances of his parents they were able to afford him little more than the common elements of education, but the vigour and activity of his mind in after years enabled him in a considerable measure to remedy the deficiencies of his youthful days. To what particular profession he was designed by his parents is not now very clear, but in the early days of his nonage he was for some time in the ofKce of a Mr. Nicholson, then an architect of some eminence in Glasgow, and he continued to entertain a partiality for that branch of the arts during his lifetime. It is probable that he was also employed for some time at this period as a clerk in a counting-house imbibing the useful elements of a business education, but of this there is no certainty. Whether a strong dash of inherent independence of mind, coupled with a certain tendency to a rugged obstinacy of disposition — qualities which he ex- hibited on many occasions during his life — or whether the uncertain and clouded state of his early prospects operating on such a character induced him to take the questionable step of leaving his parents at this time without their knowledge or consent cannot now be ascertained. But the rash and enterprising youth, without communicating his intentions to any one, in the latter part of the summer, or fall of 1807, left the city of his birth with the daring purpose of trying his fortune in London — then, as now, the great mart for erratic and adventurous talent. When it is considered that London was a journey of above four hundred miles from his native city, to be performed wholly on foot (for his limited finances, it may easily be supposed, left him no choice of any other conveyance), whatever we may think of the prudence of the young adventurer, we cannot but feel some respect for the depth and bold- ness of character which it exhibited. Starting with only a few shillings in his pocket, as he afterwards told an intimate friend, he reached the neighbourhood of Irs'ine, in Ayrshire ; and, not choosing prudentially to be at the expense of a lodging, he bivouacked close by the shore in the snug recess of a " whinny kuowe," and the first sounds which reached his ear in the morning were those of the advancing tide SAveeping rapidly on towards his humble couch. Pursuing his solitary journey, and living entirely on the simplest fare — sleeping sometimes in the humblest of hostelries, but more frequently nestling under the lee of a hedge, or amid the " stooks " which an early harvest fortun- ately offered to his choice — foot-sore, and probably heart-sore — weary and worn, the still stout-hearted lad reached the town of Liverpool. On entering the town, he used, in after life, gaily to describe his sensations on encountering a party of soldiers beating up for recruits for the British army, then in the Peninsula. He held a council within himself, for some time, debating whether to follow the drum or the route to London. Glory and gain strove for the mastery in the heart of the yoimg adventurer, with such nearly equal claims, tliat, unable to decide the knotty point, he had recourse to a rustic form of divination, and casting up in the air his trusty cudgel, the companion of his wanderings, he resolved to be guided by the direction in which it should fall. As it fell towards the road to London, he conceived the will of the gods to be. JOHN D. CARRICK. lo that he should pursue his journey, with the reasonable hope, fully as we)I founded as that of Whittington, that he might yet be Lord Mayor of that famous city. Fortified, tlieii, by the decision of tlie oracle, he continued his weary pilgrimage, and at length arrived in the metropolis, with half-a-crowa in his pocket ; so rigid had been his economy and self-denial on the way. Mr. Carrick, iu his later years, used to delight in relating to his particular friends, his adventures during this wild escajjade of his immature youth — his camping at night out in the merry green woods, under the shelter of bush or brake — the curious scenes in hedge ale-houses and low taverns he was sometimes witness to— and the delicious senso of self-abandonment, and wild freedom, which amply compensated its many privations and hazards. There is little doubt but that it contributed to form in his character a sense and feeling of independence, and a tone and depth of self-reliance and respect, which he ever afterwards exhibited. He lost no time in offering his services, as a shop-boy, to various shopkeepers, but for some tune in vain, owing probably to his manners and accent being somewhat raw, Scottish, and ungainly. At length a decent tradesman, himself from the Land of Cakes, pricking up his ears at the Doric music of his native tongue, took compassion on the friendless lad, and engaged him in his service. He was afterwards in the employment of various other persons ; and in the spring of 1809, he obtained a situation in an extensive house in the Staffordshire Pottery line of business. His stay altogether in the capital was about four years, and he returned to Glasgow in the beginning of 1811, and opened a large establishment in Hutcheson Street, for the sale of stoneware, china, etc. ; a business for which his connexion for two years with the respectable house of Spodes & Co., in London, had thoroughly qualified him. Mr. Carrick continued in this line of business with various success, for nearly fourteen years. At one time his prospects appeared to warrant the probability of his realising a comfortable independence ; but some involve- ments with a house in the foreign trade, blasted his hopes, and reduced him to a state of insolvency. The involvements alluded to gave rise to a protracted and expensive litigation ; but it is pleasing to add, that all parties were fully sensible of the honourable integrity of Mr. Carrick's conduct in the whole of these delicate transactions. It is not improbable that Mr. C. 's protracted and painful experience of the Supreme Court gave rise to his sarcastic delineation of it some years after- wards to a friend, to whom he observed — "There's nae place like hame, quo' the de'il, when he fand himsel' in the Court of Session." During the latter years of his business connexion in Hutcheson Street, as a china merchant, his literary tastes and habits had been gradually maturing, fostered by a pretty extensive course of private reading, and especially by his antiquarian predilec- tions and pursuits, chiefly in our older Scottish literature, in which he now began to take a particular pleasure. In the year 1825, he published a Life of Sir William Wallace, which was well received by tlie public, and has con- tinued a favourite ever since, and still to be had at a popular price. He also wrote, about this time, some comic songs and humorous pieces : and as he was an admirable mimic himself, and generally sung or recited his own composi- tions, his company was eagerly sought after by a small but attached circle of friends. In 1825, having given up business on his own account, his means being exhausted by the expensive litigation referred to, and not choosing to apply to his friends— it being another pithy saying of his, "that frien's are like fiddle strings, they shouldna be owre ti-htly screwed "—he travelled for two or three years, chiefly in the West Highlands, as an agent for some Glasgow houses. Mr. Carrick used to dwell on this part of his business career with a strong feeling of pleasure, as afibrding him ample opportunity of becoming acquainted with the rich and humorous peculiarities of the Celtic character and manners. He also acquu-ed, during these peregrinations, a considerable knowledge of the Gaelic tongue and antiquities, and to the last preserved a keen relish for every- thing connected with the custom*^ prejudices, and strong manly features of 20 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. character of these children of the mountain and the mist. The knowledge thus acquired communicated a rich flavour to his manners and conversation in private, and oveiflowed in some of his subsequent works, in a seiies of highly graphic and amusing descriptions and narratives, richly coloured, but not dis- torted or caricatured, of the more striking and picturesque points of the racy character and peculiarities of the primitive inhabitants of the West High- lands. This branch of business also failing, our harassed friend betook himself to his literary pursuits, and engaged about this time as sub-editor of the Scots Times, a journal of liberal princii>les, and then ranking high as an authority in borough politics. He contributed largely to the amusing series of local squibs, and other jeux d'esprits which appeared in that paper, both before and during his connexion witli it, and which conferred a brilliant reputation upon its columns for several years. In 1832, The Day, a literary paper, published daily, aa its name imports, was started by a few of the leading literati of Glasgow. The journal was continued for six months, and many admirable pieces appeared in its columns. The reputed editor was Mr. John Strang, chamberlain of the city, the author of several works of considerable merit. Amongst the contributors were Mr. Carrick and the late William Motherwell, and the friendship which had alreadj"^ subsisted for some time between these talented individuals, was now strength- ened by their mutual literary connexion and tastes, notwithstanding the totally opposite character of their political principles. Mr. Andrew Henderson was another member of this social and literary coterie ; and the strong and salient peculiarities of that ingenious but eccentric person — the coarse vigour of his understanding — and the shrewd depth of his observation — combined with a manner, at times, not a little abrupt and explosive, rendered him a valuable contributor to their social enjoyments. His knowledge, too, of old Scottish manners and customs, and especially of old songs and Ijallads, with the homely vigour of his colloquial modes of expression, and the congenial character of some of his peculiar tastes to those of Mr. Carrick, confirmed their mutual friendship, over which, alas ! the shadows of a premature grave were already beginning to impend. In a clever little work, entitled " Whistle-Binkie," published in 1832, and which was a collection of songs, and other poetical pieces, chiefly humorous, there appeared several by Mr. Carrick, rich in that peculiar vein of liumour in which he excelled. " The Scottish Tea Party," and " Mister Peter Paterson," are two of these productions, which the author used to sing himself ; and there are few who had the good fortune to be present on these social occasions, but will long remember the inimitable comic richness, and breadth of humour, with which he contrived to enhance the original drollery and satiric archness of these merry cantatas. Few men, indeed, excelled him as a safe and agree- able companion at the social board. The fine play of his delicate humour never degenerated into vulgar personalities, either to present or absent friends ; whilst the bland and open smile, and the qiiiet but hearty laugh, which followed up the good humoured jest, from himself or others, with the unassum- ing gentleness, and gentlemanly bearing of his invariable deportment, all combined to render him one of the most genial of guests, and most delightful of companions. In the beginning of 1833, Mr. Carrick having been offered the management of the Perth Adv^ertiser, he left Glasgow in the month of April of that year to reside in the Fair City. For the situation of an Editor of a newspaper, Mr. Carrick was especially qualified, by his long connexion with the Scots Times, and by the extent of his political and general information, not leas than by the clearness and vigour of his understanding, and the shrewdness and caution of his habits as a writer. His friends, therefore, had reason to anticipate for him a long and prosperous career in so honourable, if not lucrative course. But both their and Mr. Carrick's reasonable hopes were doomed to a premature disappointment, and he only retained his situation about eleven months. JOHN D. CARRICK. 21 having been compelled to throw it up in disgust. Mr. Carrick, though a person of mild and temperate habits, had yet, as we have seen, a high sense of independence, and great firmness of character. Finding himself, therefore, subjected to the indignity of having his leading articles submitted to the inspection and occasional mutilation of a committee of management, most of the members of which were little competent to decide upon such matters ; he resolved to give up his prospects in the ancient city of Saint Johnston. Mr. Carrick left Perth in February, 1834, and immediately entered on his duties as Conductor of the Kilmarnock Journal. For the character of the citizens of Perth, he does not seem to have had much respect, observing with his usual quiet air of sarcasm, that " the last thing a true man of Perth would show you was the inside of his house." He formed some friendships there, however, with parties, whose regrets for his early death are equally sincere and pungent — such as Professor Brown, and Mr. Dewar, bookseller, the latter of whom he used to designate the David Robertson of Perth — an appellation which those who know the latter will not be slow to appreciate. Settled now at Kilmarnock, and, for some time, with the most flattering prospects of permanent success as an Editor, from the flourishing state of the journal over which he presided, this tossed-about and warm-hearted man of genius hoped he had at last found a safe retreat from the storms of life. But, alas ! his evil star was still in the ascendant, and those clouds were gathering, which were never to pass away until lost in the gloom and shadow of the grave. He had already experienced the difficulty of conducting a provincial paper, under the superintendence of a body of proprietors, some of them per- sons very incompetent to intei-fere in such matters, and frequently split into small coteries, and inflamed by paltry jealousies. He soon found these general and local difficulties thicken around him, as, encouraged and spurred on by some of the proprietors of the Journal, he applied the powers of his keen .and penetrating wit in the composition of a few satirical articles, which so galled ijundiy individuals in " Auld Killie," that they withdrew their subscription and countenance from the paper. On which those friends, by whose urgent advice he had acted, feeling or feigning alarm, raised a clamour against his inanagement, and used every artifice to annoy and distract him. Air. Carrick described the panic of these nerve-stricken politicians as something like that of tlie idiot who had expended all his capital in the purchase of a bass-drum, and when he began to belabour the sheepskin, he got so alamied at its sonorona boom, that he threw away the drumsticks. B^ifore he left Pertli, thei'e is too much reason to believe, that the disease which conducted him to the grave had begun to prey on his constitution, in the form of a paralysis of some of the nerves and muscles of the mouth and head, and which finally settled into a confirmed tic-douloureux, one of the most painful of human afllictions. In this deplorable state of health, he, by the advice of all his friends, resigned his situation, aud returned to Glasgow in the month of January, 1S35. Not- withstanding the generally wretched state of his health during his stay in Kilmarnock, and his subjection to the annoyances above alluded to, his mental faculties were in the highest vigour ; and he superintended, as editor, a portion of the Laird of Logan, besides contributing a number of the best pieces which enrich that unrivalled collection of Scottish facetito. That work appeared in June, IS'Ao, and created a very great sensation in the metropolis of the West, and in the neighbouring country, where the fame of the celebrated wit and bon vivant, whose name it bears, continues still to linger. After the publica- tion of " The Laird," he went to Rothesay for his health, but for some time he felt so much the worse that he abandoned all hopes of life, and even selected a place of sepulture for his worn-out frame. Rallying, however, he returned to Glasgow and continued his literary labours. About this time, he contributed some excellent papei's to the Scottish Monthly Magazine, a periodical of con- siderable ability, published in Glasgow, but the career of which was of short vduration. Occupying himself thus with literary compositions of various kinds, manjd 22 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. them still in the mauuscript state (some of which, of great merit, we have seen), and struggling on, at the same time, with an insidious and painful disease, one of the etfects of which, to a person of his social character, was particularly dis- tressing — the impairing of the power of speech — he continued for a considerable time to appear occasionally in society. Ultimately a severe attack of inflam- mation in the side, and the effects of a course of depletion to which he was subjected by his medical attendant, followed by an access of diarrhoea, proved fatal to the enfeebled frame of this warm-hearted and talented individual — from whom, as from too many men of genius and sensibility, the sun of this world's favour had long continued to hide itself in clouds and darkness. He expired on the 17th August, 1837, and was buried in the High Church burying- ground, being followed to the grave by many friends, in whose social circle he lias left a blank not likely soon to be filled up. Having thus briefly and feebly commemorated the virtues and essayed to do justice to the talents and productions of John Donald Carrick, whom, as one of the Editora of the present work, we have placed foremost of the lamented trio, we proceed to give some account of the second individual, whose memory has left behind it a long track of radiance, like sunlight flashing far and wide over dark masses of still waters. WILLIAM MOTHERWELL. Mr. Motherwell was born in the city of Glasgow on the 13th of October, 1797. His family came from Stirlingshire, where they resided for several generations on a small property belonging to them called Muirmill. Early in life he was transferred to the care of an uncle in Paisley. There he received the principal part of a rather liberal education, and there he began the career of a citizen of the world, as an apprentice to the profession of law. So great was the confidence reposed in him that at the early age of twenty-one he was appointed Shei-ifF-Clerk-Depute at Paisley — a situation very respectable and of considerable responsibility, though by no means lucrative. In 1828 he became editor of the Paisley Advertiser, a journal wherein he zealously advocated Tory politics, to which he had long previously shown his attachment. During the same year he conducted the Paislei/ Magazine — a periodical of local as well as general interest, and which contained many papers of a rare and curious character. In 1829 he resigned the office of Sheriti'-Glerk-Depute, and api^lied himself exclusively to the management of the newspaper and to literary pur- suits. In the beginning of 1830 he appeared on a more important theatre and in a more conspicuous character. He was engaged as editor of the Glasgow Courier — a journal of long standing, of respectable circulation, and of the Ultra-Tory school of politics. Mr. Motherwell conducted this newspaper with great ability, and fully sustained, if he did not at times outgo, its extreme opinions. From the time of his accepting this very responsible situation to the day of his death — a period of five eventful and troubled years — during which the fever of party politics raged with peculiar virulence in the veins of so(dety, it is uni- versally conceded, by those who were opposed to his political opinions, as well as by the members of his own party, that he sustained his views with smgular ability and mdomitable firmness ; and if, at time?', with a boldness and rough energy, both rash and unwise, the obvious sincerity and personal feeling of the writer elevated him far above the suspicion of being actuated by vulgar or mercenary motives. Motherwell was of small stature, but very stout and mus- cular in body — accompanied, however, with a large head and a short, thick neck and throat — the precise character of physical structure the most liable tO' the fatal access of the apoplectic stroke. Accompanied by a literary friend, on the 1st of November, 1835, he had been dining in the country, about a couple of miles from Glasgow, and on his return home, feeling indisposed, he went to bed. In a few hours thereafter he awakened and complained of pain in the head, which increased so much as to WILLIAM MOTHERWELL. 23 render him speechless. Medical assistance was speedily obtained ; but, alas ! it was of no avail — the blow was struck, and the curtain had finally fallen over the life and fortunes of William Motherwell. One universal feeling of regret and sympathy seemed to extend over society wlien tlie sudden and premature decease of this accomplished poet and elegant writer became known. His funeral was attended by a large body of the citizens, by the most eminent of the learned and literary professions, and by persons of all shades of political opinion. He was interred in the Necropolis of Glasgow, not far from the resting-place of his fast friend, Mr. Andrew Henderson. For the information of such of our readers as are not acquainted with the locality, we may mention that the place of his sepulture is well fitted for the grave of a poet. It is a small piece of level ground, above which bold masses of rock, crowned with trees and shrubs of various kinds, ascend to a consider- able height ; and below the broken ground, richly wooded and bristling with monumental columns and other erections, slopes beautifully down to the banks of a smaU lake or dam, terminated by a weir, over which its waters foam and fret at all seasons of the year. We hope, ere long, that some memorial of our gifted friend will rise amid these congenial shades (where some of the best dust in Glasgow now repo.ses), to refresh the eye of friendship, and tell the wandering stranger of "the in- habitant who sleeps below." In the year 1827, whilst at Paisley, he published his " Minstrelsy, Ancient and Modern " — a work which raised liim at once to a high rank as a literary antiquarian. The introduction, a long and singularly interesting document, exhibits the writer's extensive acquaintance with the history of the ballad and romantic literature of Scotland — and independent of its merits as a historical and critical disquisition, is in itself a piece of chaste and elegant composition, and vigorous writing. Soon after that he became Editor of the Paisley Magazine, and contributed some of the sweetest effusions of his muse to enrich its pages — effusions which now began to interest and concentrate the public attention, until, in 1832, a volume of his poems was published in Glasgow, which fully established his reputation as one of the sweet singers of his native land. A few months previous to the publication of his poems, another proof of the fertile versatility of his genius was afforded in an elaborate and able preface, which he contributed, to enrich a collection of Scottish Proverbs by his friend Mr. Andrew Henderson. In this essay, Motherwell exhibited a pro- found acquaintance with the proverbial antiquities of Scotland, and a tine and delicate tact in the management of a somewhat difficult subject. The style is equally elegant and vigorous, and shows him a master of prose, as of poetic composition. In 18.3G, an edition of the works of Roliert Burns, in five volumes, was published, edited by him, in conjunction with the Ettrick Shepherd. A considerable part of the life, with a large amount of notes, critical and illustrative, were supplied by Motherwell, witli his usual ability and copious knowledge of his subject : but literary partnerships are seldom very fortunate in their consequences, and this was not fated to be an especial example of a contrary result. Mr. Motherwell was also a considerable contributor to the literary periodical — "The Day" — of which due mention has already been made, and which, for Bome time, commanded a brilliant range of western talent. His memoirs of Bailie Pirnie formed one of the most amusing and masterly papers in that journal. It is understood he left behind a considerable amount of manuscript; and, amongst other matter, a work embodying the wild legends of the ancient northern nations — a department of antiquarian research to which he was much devoted. It is to be hoped, that a selection at least from these manuscripts will be laid before the public, as an act of justice to his memory. Of Motherwell as a poet, it may be observed generally, that his muse does not seem to us to have been indued with the sustained energy and vigour requisite for keeping long on the wing. The flight is steady, continuous, and graceful ; but the ascent is seldom high, or the range and vision long and com- 24 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. manding. Clear, sweet, and at times full of a thrilling pathos, are the notea, and soft, low, and mournful as the autumn wind amid the dying leaves of the forest, are the cadences of his Doric pipe, when he dips the wings of his imagi- nation in the pathetic or kindling memories of the past, or pranks his muse out in the garb and expression of the olden time ; as in " The Solemn Song of a Righteous Heart," — or in those wild sweet poems, " A Solemn Conceit," "A Monody," "The Bloom hath left thy cheek, Mary," &c. Of " Jeanie Morrison," " Wearie's Well," and " My Heid is like to rend, Willie," it were idle now to speak ; they are amongst the most pathetic efifusions of the Scottish muse — full of a soft voluptuous tenderness of feeling, and steeped in a rich tissue of warm poetical colouring, like a transparent veil over a weeping beauty. In another style of poetical composition, Motherwell has rarely been excelled — the sentimental and graceful vers de societe. Of such are " Love's Diet," "Could love impart," etc. In a light airiness, and graceful flexibility of language, and in a pointed but not harsh brevity of diction, in unison with a certain gaiety and feminine elegance of thought, they appear to us to be perfect of their kind. In mixed society, Motherwell was rather reserved, but appeared to enjoy internally " the feast of reason and the flow of soul," amongst his intimate fi'iends and associates, who were but few in number. Amongst these, the principal, as we have noticed in our memoranda of Carrick, were that gentle- man and Andrew Henderson. Opposite as in most respects were the characters and pursuits of these three individuals, a certain community of taste and feel- ing formed a bond of union amongst them ; and it was rather amusing to observe how their comparatively neutralizing qualities dovetailed so naturally and finely into each other, as to form a harmonious concord. The constitutional reserve and silent habits of Motherwell — the quiet drolleiy and sly humour of Carrick — with the irritable and somewhat explosive abruptness of Henderson, formed a melange, so happily constituted, and so bizarre frequently in its results, that those who had access to their frequent symposia, will long remem- ber the richness of the cordial and original compound. There was a depth of iharacter, however, in Motherwell, which placed him naturally at the head of this firm fellowship ; and though apparently the least motive of the party, his opinions on most points, with his tastes and wishes, were generally a law to the others. We have, lastly, to do justice to the memory of ANDREW HENDERSON, not the least remarkable member of this literary and " couthie " coterie. Mr. Henderson was bom at Cleish, near Kinross, in 1783. His father was for many years gardener to the Lord Chief Commissioner Adam, at Blair- Adam, in Fifeshire ; and appears to have destined his son to the same primitive profession, to which he was bound apprentice, when at the age of thirteen, to his brother Thomas, then gardener to General Scott of Bellevue, Edinburgh. After his apprenticeship was expired, he removed into the service of the Earl of Kinnonl's gardener, at Dupplin, where he remained a year, and afterwards migrated to the Earl of Hopetoun's gardens for several months. His constitu tion, however, appears not to have been strong enough to withstand the severities of so much out-of-door exposure, and he resolved to abandon the craft of old Adam for ever. A brother of his was settled in Paisley as a clothier, and through his influence he obtained a situation for him in a manu- facturing house there, in which he continued, till the bankruptcy of his employers, about a year afterwards, threw him out of employment. About this period the germ of his talents as an artist began to develope itself, and he now attended a drawing school, to methodize and give form and pressure to those peculiar artistical tastes and capacities which had long been fermenting ill his mind. After some brief period of business inaction, he obtained the situation of foreman in the respectable house of Hepburn and Watt, then of ANDREW HENDERSON 25 Paisley, wlTere he confinued for four or five years. But his love for the pictorial art, to which for some years he had devoted his leisure hours, had now become the ruling passion ; aud, in March 1809, he repaired to London to complete his education as an artist, by a sedulous attendance at the Royal Academy, where he continued for three or four years. Having now devoted himseli to the laborious profession of an artist, he maintained himself partly by the sale of some of his pieces, but was mainly indebted for the means of subsistence, whilst in London, to the generous liberality of a brother. Mr. Henderson's talents, as an artist, were chiefly devoted to portrait painting, in which, for many years after his settlement in Glasgow, which took place in 1813, he attained considerable local celebrity. There is a freedom and spirit, Avith a breadth and vigour of colouring in his portraits, particularly in his earlier productions, which declai-e him to have been an artist of no common rank. Latterly, owing to his eyesight becoming impaired, his portraits rather declined in reputation — the colouring being inferior to those of an earlier period. We have already had occasion to notice some of the peculiarities of ilr. Henderson's character. Eccentric he was undoubtedly, and of a temperament not a little uncertain and fiery — so that it required not seldom the indulgence and forbearance of his friends, to make allowance for the curious whims and startling humours with which at times he assailed them. Yet few men had more attached friends, or retained his older friendships with a more firm aud genial grasp, or died more sincerely regretted. Henderson cannot be properly considered as a literary character — his only publication being the excellent collection of Scottish Proverbs, published in 1832, to which Jlotherwell, his attached friend, contributed the admii'able introduction to which we have already alluded. His claim to rank as one of the distinguished trio — of Carrick, Motherwell, and Henderson — rests upon the marked originality of his character, and the eccentric but overpowering eloquence of his language, when he was fairly kindled into opposition. At fluch times, his rich counnand of the broad and vigorous dialect of his native tongue, in which he excelled all men we have ever met, seemed to endow liini with a nervous eloquence, and a copious energy of language, which descended like a hurricane on the head of the hapless wight who had unwittingly brought him out. No man could listen to him at such times, without feeling that he was no ordinary person. In general, his conversation partook of the startling originality, and the impetuous eccentricity of his character, and was richly seasoned with broad humour and sarcastic point. It was his custom to sit for some time silent in general society, until something was advanced which touched upon any of his favourite views ; and if by chance he was in companj' with a pretended amateur, or a particularly aft'ccted person, it was amusing to observe how he would sit " nursing his wrath," until the storm would collect, and burst forth in an absolute tornado of withering invective, or torrent of burning sarcasm. He had a strong dislike to tlie Celtic race ; and nothing could more effectually stir up his bile, than for anyone to hold forth in their praise in his presence. Many amusing scenes took place in consequence of this rich peculiarity in his character. He was also a stout defender of the state of single blessedness, and used to declare, that " he thanked God, that when he put on his hat, it covered his whole family." Mr. Henderson in person was large, and rather ungainly and awkward, which, added to a shrill, sharp voice, heightened the effect of his eccentric habits, and original powers of conversation. When at the Koyal Academy, and comparatively raw and timid, he sometimes excited the ridicule of his fellow-students. Amongst the rest, one impudent fellow, presuming on his apparent softness, teazed him frequently with his impertinence, and, on one occasion, proceeded so far as to drop his saliva on a picture he was engaged in. Without saying a word, Henderson felled the offender to the ground Avith a .single blow, and then quietly resumed his labours. This master stroke re- lieved him from all further annoyance from his companions. To the deep 26 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. regret of his friends, and of a large circle of the public — admii'ers of his talent* and character — this warm-hearted and genuine Scotsman was attacked witii apoplexy, on the 9th of April, 1835, and expired after a few hours' illness. He was Interred in the Necropolis, as we have already noticed, near the spot where the remains of his friend Motherwell were deposited only six months after- wards. Carrick lies in the High Church burying-ground, in the near neigh- bourhood. So that these three fast friends, who lived long miited in their lives, may be said not to have been divided in their deaths. Peace to their names is all we shall add. To talents of no common order, they added the kindly aflFectious, and the sincerity and truth of warm-hearted men. More genuine Scotsmen, in their tastes, habits, and feelings, sleep not in the lap of their native land INTRODUCTION. What is and What is not in a Name. It appears to have been almost a general })ractice, in collecting the jests or " notable sayings " which have become current in a nation, to ascribe the merit of such sayings to some personage, real or fictitious, who is sup])Osed to have distinguished himself fur his ready wit, racy humour, and fertile imagination ; and th's personage, by having all the good things attributed to him — whose authors were either unknown, or, from political or other reasons, were desirous of being so — becomes, in time, to be regarded as the national Jester, and, in consocpiencc, liighly useful in countries where freedom of speech is unknown, as a vehicle for the exposure and correction of public abuses. To such purposes was the statue of Pasquin at Rome, for a long time, applied ; and to such objects w^e may, in a great measure, assign the origin of the Turkisli jest-book [Ahndkibi Nddr- ed diti Khojah), where, under the assun)ed name of " Khojah," th& hypocrisy and venality of the Turkish Mullahs and judges are^ exposed to the ridicule they deserved. The Chinese have also works of a similar nature, over which they can relax their features, and indulge with impunity in a smile at the superstition and knavery of their Bonzes — the follies of their great men — and the inlhited conse- quence of those stately but subtile officials, who wield the destinies of the Celestial Empire. In Germany the laughable conceits of Howel- glas serve to soothe the morose temperament of perlia])s the most talented and oppressed people in Europe. In " free and merry England," however, the case is ditierent ; though she has, like others, her national Jester in the redoubtable Joe Miller, yet it was for no- such pui'poses as those we have mentioned that he was bi'ought into notice. There are few general readers, we believe, who are not aware that this far-famed individual was by no means that facetious person- age which a perusal of the numberless jokes that pass under his name would lead us to infer. On the contrary, the character of poor Joe, to make use of rather an antiquated phrase, was that of a regular dreary-head — of a dull, silent, satui*nine disposition, with a grim, mirth-scaring countenance, as solemn and devoid of intelligence as an unlettered grave-stone. The idea of making such a kill-joy figiu'e the principal interlocutor in a book of jests may with much propriety be considered as one of the most amusing conceits in the whole collection. The pungency of the joke, when first started, tickled the fancy of the mischievous wags by whom he was surrounded ; and they soon wrote 28 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. the inoffensive object of their satire into a degree of reputation which they failed to obtain for themselves. In the title which we have placed in front of the present little volume we deal more candidly with the public, in so far as it is actually that which distinguished a man, who, though a stranger to the refinements of a classical education, was yet possessed of a mind richly endowed by nature with a shrewd discrimination of human character, an innate perception of the ridiculous, united to a fund of rich humour, and a quickness in repartee which we believe have rarely been excelled. While at the outset the sombre Joe afforded amuse- ment to his contemporaries in London by the contrast which his real and well-known character afforded, to the splendour of that meretri- cious one which had been engx-afted upon him by the waggery of his companions — the gifted Scot was acknowledged in the convivial circles of his countrymen as really possessing those laugh-exciting qualities which had been attributed in ridicule to his rather questionable proto- type. Though many of the jests of the ready-witted Laird are current all over the country, yet we believe the knowledge of the particulars connected with his personal history are in a great measure confined to his native county. We shall, therefore, for the benefit of the curious among our readers, give the following brief notice respecting him, which we have obtained from the most authentic sources of informa- tion. ,■; Hugh Logan, of Logan, was lineally descended from the ancient and once powerful Barons of Restalrig, whose wide-spread domains were forfeited in the reign of James VI. in consequence of the share which the last Baron was supposed to have had in the Gowrie con- spiracy. In the year 1660, Sir Robert Logan, a grandson of the fore- mentioned Baron, effected a purchase of a large portion of the barony of Oumnock, to which he gave the family name ; — this extensive and valuable property descended through a line of respectable ancestry to the subject of our present notice, who was born at Logan House in 1739. From his earliest years Hugh Logan was of a quick, volatile, and somewhat irritable disposition ; and although every facility was afforded him for acquiring that education becoming his rank in society, yet either from his unmanageable temper, or the want of a proper system of discipline on the part of his teachers, it was found impossible to obtain even the slightest degree of application to his academical exercises. While his boyish years were passing away in this unprofitable manner, being the youngest of three sons, his father frequently urged him to adopt some useful profession. On these occasions his uniform answer was, " I've made up my mind, Laird, to follow nae trade but your ain." " Weel, weel, Hughie," the good- natured old gentleman would say, " I was the youngest o' three mysel' ; " and, strange as it may appear, the coincidence was realized — his elder brothers both died in early life — and on the decease of hia INTRODUCTION. 29 fiather, which took place soon after, Hugh succeeded to the estate under the control of tutors or guardians, who do not appear to have been moz'e successful in forwarding his instruction than those who had formerly been entrusted with it ; for although he was sent to Edin- burgh for the purpose of repairing the defects which his own aversion to study and the indulgence of his father had occasioned in his educa- tion, yet he returned to his country pursuits with literary acquii'c- ments scarcely superior, if even equal, to those of the meanest hind upon his estate. Though the cultivation of the young Laird's mind had been thus neglected, it was not so with those external qualities which he possessed. In all field sports he was considered an adept, while in doing the honours of the table he was acknowledged to have been almost without a rival ; and such was his natural quickness and ingenuity that when the errors of his education chanced to make their appearance few of his companions would venture to notice them, as they well knew he would either turn the laugh in his favour by some humorous palliation of his ignorance or render them ridiculous by making them the butts of his wit for the time being — a distinction seldom considered as very enviable. There is one well-known anec- dote which, as it illustrates this part of his character, our readers may perhaps excuse our noticing. Logan had occasion one day to write a letter in presence of a school companion, who, on looking over it, expressed his surprise at the singularity of the orthography. " It is strange, Logan," said he, " that you cannot manage to spell even the shortest word correctly." "Spell !" cried the Laird, with a look of well-feigned pettishuess, " man, what are you haverin' about ? look at that !" holding up the stump of a quill to him ; " would ony man that kens ony thing about spelling ever attempt to spell wi' a pen like that 1 " This anecdote is generally, though erx'oneously, ascribed to the late eccentric Laird of M'Nab, As another instance of the archness peculiar to our uneducated wit, Ave may mention the following. The plantations of Coilsfield having been much injured by the wanton depredations of some evil- disposed vagrants, Mr. Montgomerie, the proprietor, brought the case before a meeting of the Justices, of which Sir Andrew Ferguson and the Laird of Logan formed part. On investi- gating the case it appeared that the damage had been the work of children, and in consequence the com plainer could obtain little or no redress. Sir Andrew, feeling the hardship of the case, and by way of soothing a brother proprietor, observed with some warmth that he would have a bill brought into Parliament for making parents liable for the misdeeds of their childi'en, and constituting such offences as the above felony in law. At this declaration Logan broke out into a loud laugh ; and, being asked the cause of his merriment, replied, '* Sir Andrew, when your bill is made law, we shall soon have few old lairds among us." " Why ? " demanded the other. " Because," said the wit, " their eldest sons will only require to cut their neighbours' young plants to become lairds themselves." 30 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. It is a trite saying ttiat a wit would rather lose his IVierid than his joke; and Logan, it must be allowed, formed no exception to the truth of the maxira. As an instance of the degree of liberty in which, when occasions offered, he indulged towards his friends, we may be excused in giving the following. One time, being in Kilmarnock during " Dudsday fair," his button was I'ather unceremoniously laid hold of by a country squire, who insisted on his giving him the benefit of his advice in selecting a suitable present for his wife. Logan begged to be excused — the other entreated, stating that he had already bought her 'so many nick-nacks that he could not think of anything new that would be at all suitable ; and, added he, with a sort of hen-pecked expression of countenance, " Between you and me, Laird, I dare not go home on a day like this without something." " Oh, ho !" cries Logan, "if that be the case, I will soon find you a suitable present ; " and, taking him in his turn by the button, led the squire into a jeweller's shop near the spot. " Here," said the wit, addressing the dealer in trinkets, " is a friend of mine, who tells me Jiis wife wears the breeks ; so you will just show him some of the most elegant knee-buckles you have." " Now," said he, turning to the astonished and abashed simpleton, " if you do not take home a suit- able present, it's your own fault ; " so saying, he turned on his heel, and left the two to complete a bargain, or not, as they might feel disposed. i The companions of Logan, in so far as regarded biith and extent of property, were of the first standing in the country. With men of literary pursuits we do not find that he was much in the habit of associating. At Professor Hunter's, where he remained some time, in the vain hope of supplying the deficiences of his education, he would no doubt meet occasionally with the literati of Edinburgh. It appears, however, that during his brief sojourn under the roof of the Greek Professor his almost constant companions were Montgo- merie of Coilsfield and Hamilton of Sundrum, who, we believe, were also under the charge of the same gentleman. In after life, it would seem that his visits to the metropolis were not unfrequent ; and on these occasions, he is reported to have entered with reckless pro- digality into all the expensive follies of the day, which, along with serious losses sustained by his connection with the Ayr Bank, had the efiect of materially impairing his fortune. In 1771, during one of those excursions, he met at a convivial party with the celebrated Foote, who at that time was manager of the Edinburgh theatre. This meeting is said to have been preconcerted by Maule of Panmure, Dundas, M'Queen, and others, his boon companions, for the purpose of eliciting some amusement from the collision of the English Aristo- phanes with their shrewd but unlettered countryman. That those in the secret enjoyed from the presence of two such choice spirits an intellectual treat of the highest order we have not the least doubt, although, from the impei'fect manner in which the two understood each other, the wit that frequently convmlsed the rest of the party, INTRODUCTION. 31 must have been to themselves in a great measure obscure ; the punning of Foote, from his pronunciation, being lost to Logan, while Logan's broad Ayrshire dialect was in its turn often equally unintell- igible to Foote, who had been but a very short time in Scotland. On this occasion; the latter seemed in one of his happiest moods, and during the evening quite electriBed the company with his wit, mimicry, and ludicrous tales of the marvellous. Logan, as his friends expected, appeared astonished at the powers of the stranger, and frequently expressed doubts respecting the wonders he x'elated, having two or three times demanded a reason for some of his statements. Foote, either wishing not to understand him, or to pun on the manner the Laird pi'onounced the word reason, put his hand in one of his waistcoat pockets, which were then more capacious than they are now, and presented him with a raisin, asking him at the same time, if that was what he wanted. " Od, man," said Logan, ** ye hae a lang head on your shouthers, but I wad have had a better opinion o' its useful- ness if it saved you the trouble of carrying your wit in your waistcoat pouch." We regret, that, after the most careful research, we have been able to glean so few particulars of this interesting symposium. That the rival wits parted with a mutual respect for the convivial powers of each other, there cannot be a doubt — the meeting of two men so gifted by nature for setting " the table in a roar " being a circumstance of no common occurrence. That Foote had many advantages over the uneducated Scot, we readily admit — the former having reached the mature age of fifty, while the latter was still in his thirty-second year ; a considerable part of half a century had been spent by Foote amidst the applause of crowded theatres, which gave him a confidence in his own powers, which the other had no opportunity of acquiring. Besides his literary attainments, Foote was considered without a rival in the art of giving comic efiect to the ridiculous pictures which his fertile imagination portrayed ; and having his taste corrected by arduous study and severe training among critical friends interested in his success, it is not to be wondered at if the fascinations which he threw around him had more attraction for refined society than those of our Laird, whose wit and humour, though perhaps equally prolific, had nothing save the suggestions of his own judgment to prune their exubei'ance, and chasten what might seem licentious or extravagant. Logan's displays, therefore, whether brought forth as flashes of merriment or amusing narrative, could scarcely but appear to gi'eat disadvantage, when placed in competition with the more finished and classical exhibitions of the author of the " Mayor of Garrat." Having mentioned his rencounter with this accomplished son of Thespis, we may also state, that we have likewise directed our inquiries among the contemporaries of Logan, as to any intimacy that might have existed between him and Burns ; but, with the solitary exception of one occasion, we do not find that they ever met. This occasion is alluded to by Burns, in one of his poems, where he mentions havinij 32 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, got jovial with " mighty squireships of the quorum." The poet, it seems, had been invited to dine with the Justices, and Logan made one of the party ; that the debauch was long and deep, may be inferred from the words of the bard ; but as to any corruscations of wit or genius which enlivened the conviviality of the evening, we are left entirely in the dark. At this period, Logan must have been about twenty years the senior of Burns. The personal appearance of our Laird was extremely prepossessing. His stature was tall, and his form remarkably handsome ; while his frank and open countenance was lighted up by eyes, black, full of penetration, and highly expressive of the character we have given of Mm. In youth his hair was light, but as he advanced in life he became bald, and in his latter years wore a wig assimilating to the colour of his eyes. His weight varied from eighteen to twenty stones. Though not fastidious about his clothes, he was always appropriately dressed, wearing generally a blue or brown coat, with light-coloured shorts, having buckles at the knees. In respect to morals, the conduct of Logan through life may, by many, be regarded in a great measure as unexceptionable ; and, what is perhaps not a little singular, considering his associates and the scenes of dissipation in which he but too frequently mingled, only one instance of an illicit amour has been laid to his charge — the offspring of which is, we believe, at present living in Oumnock, and is remarked for the striking likeness she bears to her distinguished parents. In his common intercoui'se with the world, the manner of our Laird may be considered as a fair sample of those of the genei'ality of Scottish country gentle- men of his day, " courteous though unpolished ; " while his hospitable board, which was frequently graced by the pi'esence of his titled neighbovirs, exhibited that substantial though rude abundance so often to be met with in " Bachelor's Hall." In the year 1798, from care- lessness and the severe losses we have already alluded to, the affairs of Logan became involverl, and the whole of his property, with the exception of a few farms, were brought to sale. After which, he removed to Well wood, near Muirkirk, where he died in 1802, and was buried in the family vault, within the church of Cum- nock. In making the following selection, we have been careful in excluding all such pieces as were objectionable on the score of profanity or licentiousness, though this has materially diminished the number of jests that would otherwise have appeared, as emanating from the person whose name we have adopted in our title-page ; yet we believe there are none of his surviving companions, who have a proper respect for the memory of their ingenious friend, but who will cordially approve of our precaution. It is well known, that under the name of the " Laird of Logan," many jokes offensive alike to decency and good taste are current in the country. These, whether their paternity has been improperly assigned, or if they in truth were the mei'e random effusions of those unguarded moments of reckless conviviality, when J INTRODUCTION. 33 human nature is too prone to overstej) the bounds of prudent restraint^ we have considered it alike our duty to suppress. We may also add, that it was a practice with Logan always to preface his bon mots with some favourite expletive ; but as these, for the most part, wei'e of a description which, in our opinion, neither gave force nor dignity to his wit, we have thought it advisable to pass them over in silence. To such of our readers as were not personally acquainted with hira, the omission can be no loss ; while those in whose memory he still lives, and wiio consider his peculiar though often irreverent expressions as necessary towards completing a faithful representation of him, can have little difficulty in supplying from recollection, such errata as will enable them to finish the portrait in the manner most agreeable to their early impressions. We think it better, Reader, to make you acquainted, before pi'O- ceeding fiirther, with other characters who play principal parts in this performance, and this introduction will save the incumbrance of pre- facing on the appearance of these personages, and tend to keep up attention to the execution of the parts assigned to them. Though the Manager has not the license of the Chamberlain to enact the piece, as caieful an eye shall be kept on the performers, that nothing improper shall be said or done, as if his Lordship had given permission, and employed a whole bench of Bishops for his council. Robertson of Kilmarnock. The late Rev. James Robertson of Kilmarnock, of whom the fol- lowing anecdotes are related, though a man of peculiar habits, was possessed of very high attainments as a theologian. He was for nearly half a century minister of the Secession church in that town, and was much esteemed by those who sat tinder his ministry. Though in the receipt of a very moderate income, he contrived to live in respectability and comfort ; and not only so, but withotit any other resources than what his situation afforded, to collect a superb library, amounting to about four thousand volumes, a great pro- portion of which were in folio and quarto, the foundation of that theological treasure belonging at present to the Secession Church, called the Robertsonian Library. As he was a vcr}'^ diligent and indefatigable student, he had amassed great information and besides had made himself master of at least six languages, and hud a toler- able acquaintance with several others. Whilst his preaching was strictly Calvinistic, it was nevertheless practical and searching ; and, as he was altogether fearless of criticism, he was the mean of doing much good in the district to which his labours were chiefly confined. It may appear singular that an individual of such a character should have uttered in the pulpit the sayings here related of him. It is to he remembered, however, that in these days a greater degree of familiar address was allowed in the clergy than would be permitted in the present age ; and these things may be coiisidered as rough 3 34 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. pieces falling from the block, which notwithstanding contained a body of fairest and most durable marble. Mr. R., when in Lonflon at one time, went with two intimate friends, since left this shifting scene, like himself — Dr. Jerment, of the United Secession Chui'ch, London, and Mr. Thomas Hart, of Glas- gow, to see the modern Jewish mode of woi'ship, as conducted in the London synagogue. Mr. R., an excellent Hebraist, lent his ears with the most marked attention visible in his countenance, to hear \vhether the high priest, who it was who actually presided, read according to the received meaning. Mr. Hart observed to Dr. Jerment, " I fear, Doctor," from Mr. R.'s manner, that he is about to speak." " Oh, surely not," replied the Doctor. Immediately after- wards, Mr. E. addressed the high priest, and challenged the cori-ectness of his reading. The descendant of Levi asked whether the person who had interrupted him could read Hebrew, when Dr. Jerment replied in the affirmative. The Hebrew Scriptures were immediately handed over to Mr. R., who received the sacred volume, and turning up the 53rd chapter of Isaiah, read a portion with great propriety, and even elegance, to which the high priest paid great attention, and appeared to be much surprised. Mr. R. then improving this opportunity commenced exposition, when the priest interrupted and told him, that he could not be permitted to ofier any comment. Mr. R. then returned the volume, and taking his leave, shook hands with the priest, the tear gathering in his aflfectionate eye, and remarked, " the day is coming when Jew and Gentile will be of one mind in the intex'pretation of this passage of the Prophet." Will Speir. Was the eldest son of the Laird of Camphill, in the parish of Dairy, Ayx'shire. The small estate of Camphill stands rated in the cess-roll of the country, in 1654, at the valuation of £120 Scots a year; the valuation of 1839 is about £10,000. In consequence of the incapacity of the elder bom to manage his own affairs, the birth-right inheritance passed into the right of the second son, burdened with a small pension in favour of his elder brother. It is not known exactly whether or not the sub- ject of this notice was born fatuous ; report assigns the cause of his mental aberration to have arisen from this circumstance : — Some of his companions, in mere frolic, caught him, when a boy, and suspended him by the heels over the parapet of a bridge of very considerable height ; whether from fear or from physical causes, the hitherto lively boy became dull, absent, and unsociable in his habits. Will Speir, when he chanced to visit Dairy, lodged with two per- sonages, Souple Sannie and Rab Paik, whose intellects were even at a greater discount than his own. Robert Speir, the brother of our wit, was precentor in the parish church of Dairy ; and when present. Will usually threw in the whole strength of his lungs to assist his INTRODUCTION. 35 brother, so that no voice but his own could be heard, within a range of a dozen pews. Rub Paik, his fellow lodger, tried to keep up with him, but could not muster such volume of voice as his associate. " Rab," said Will on one occasion, " sing man, sing, for the hail burden of the Psalms lies on you and me and our Rab." William Cameron, alias Hawkie. There is scarcely a city, town, or hamlet, " frae Maidenkirk to John O'Gi'oats," the streets of which have not been enlivened by the wit and humour of this Scottish Diogenes. In one of those cottages — forming a line of some hundred yards, for the most part occupied as nailei's' smithies, the ben end of which serves for " parlour and kitchen and all," denominated Chartei''s Hall, in the county of Stirling, parish of St. Ninian's — was born certainly the greatest street oPator of our day, William Cameron. His parents were poor but industrious, and contrived from their husbanded resources, to give their son an education in English, writing, and the elementary jiortion of the science of numbers, superior to their station in society. Eai'ly acuteness of intellect, and an injury which one of his limbs had sustained while an infant, by a fall from the arms of a careless servant, induced the provident pair to task their ingenuity to the utmost to provide against the casualties of life for theii' ci'ipple charge. Cameron, however, showed a most untractable disposition from a very child ; — perhaps over indulgence, which almost all children who are disabled in any way receive, tended to foster this habit ; and as he advanced in years, his temper showed its inveteracy in every possible way. The kindness of a most affectionate mother, who watched over him niglit and day, could not subdue this obstinacy. We have heard Hawkie himself say, when remonstrated with about his dissolute life — *' Oh man, if I hadna had the heart of a hyena my mither's tears would hae saftened it lang afore now ; my conscience yet gies me sair stangs when I think about her, and I hae just to huzzh'd asleep wi' whisky." He was apprenticed to a tailor, as being a more suitable profession for him than one that required greater exertion ; but Hawkie could not be tied down by fetters of the lawyer's forging, nor amount of penalty involving his securities, and made off from the knight of the shears. We have before us Hawkie's autobiography, in which he gives ns an account of this engagement: — "The first glisk that I got o' this slubberdegullion o' a maister gied me the heartscad at him. Quo' I to mysel', bin me as ye like, I'll no rowt lang in your tether, I'se warrant ye — we're no likely, for a' that I can see, to rot twa door cheeks thegither — and if a' reports were to be believed, better at padding the inside of the pouch lids, than handlin' the goose. The tirst job that he gied me, was to mak a holder (needle-cushion) for 36 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. raysel', and tx) it I set. — I tlueaded the best blunt, and waxed tbe twist till it was like to stick in the passage — I stour'd awa, throwing my needle-arm weel out, so that my next neighbour was obliged to hirsel himsel' awa frae me, to keep out o' harm's way. I stitch'd it, back-stitch'd it, cross- stitch'd it, and then feli'd and splaed it wi' black, blue, and red, grey, green, and yellow, till the ae colour fairly killed the ither — my answer to every advice was, I kent what I was doiu' — did I never see my mither makin' a hussey ? By the time I had gien my holder the last stitch, my maister hinted that it wasna likely that I would e'er mak saut to my kail southering claith thegither, and that though the shears were run through every stitch o' the indenture, it wadna break his heart. Thinks I to mysel', there's a ])air o' us, as the cow said to the cuddy, and my crutch can do the job as weel as your clippers ; so I laid the whup to my stilt, and took the road hame." Cameron was again sent to school — his anxious parents still think- ing that his habits would settle down into some useful employment — and a Dominie, or teacher, in some moorland district, was resolved on ; after qualifying for which, he some time wielded the tav. s over the children of the miners at Plean Muir Colliery, not far from Stirling. The taws were also thrown aside, and the indomitable roving spiiit of the unhappy orator threw him loose from every moral or relative restraint. He attached himself to a band of the most dis- solute strolling players, and ' starr'd it ' through part of the county of Fife. The character given to Cameron to support, by the Manager, was the priest in George Barnwell, and the longitude of the official robe covered all defects in the lower extremities. The stage turned out to be an unprofitable speculation, and they found that their pence were converted into halfpennies, and the scene of Hawkie's eventful life was again shifted. A toy manufacturer was the craft that Cameron next tried ; but this was too laborious for him, and he then tried China mending, and formed a connexion with an itinerant cementer of crockery ware — but no cement could bind the unsettled changeling. He now commenced the profession that he has followed for the last twenty-five years, speech-crying — and with a boundless range of imagination, a most minute knowledge of persons, places, circum- stances, dates, facts real and manufactured, and a most tenacious memory, there is no person whom we have ever heard can weave a more apparently consistent nan-ative. He was told when he complained of infirmity, that he looked as ■well as he had done for years. *•' Na," he replied, " I'm a gone corbie this winter, if I getna some place to shelter me ; I may look about my usual, but I often compare mysel' to the Briggate clock ; it keeps a guid weel gilt outside, but the wark is sair gane within — it*s chappin often three o'clock in the afternoon when it's only twal i' INTRODUCTION. 37 tlie day." Feeling bis infirmities in the beginning of tlie winter of 1838, he was persuaded to take refuge against the perils of exposure to tlie pitiless storms of winter, in the city hospital, where he re- mained for ahout six months. When Hawkie left the city hospital, Dr. Auchincloss, surgeon to the city hospital, who was veiy attentive to him, gave him some money, remarking — '* Weel Hawkie, I'll tak ye a bet, that the first place ye land in is a spirit cellar." " I'll tak odds on your side. Doctor," replied Hawkie. On his first appearance in the street, to follow his wonted calling, he addressed his hearers — " Weel, ye'll hae been thinking I was dead, but I needna tell ye that that's no true, for I'm a living evidence to the contrary. I have been down in the Town's liospital this while taking care o' mysel,' for I hae nae notion o' putting on a fir feckit as lang as I can help it, but I'm nae better otherwise than when I gaed in, and if I may believe my ain e'en there's as little improvement on you." Local I'eader you may see our hero almost every night on his beat, south side of Argyle street, and judge for yourself, whether owr estimate of his talents is overrated. General reader, we may have trespassed on your patience too long perhaps, in this prefatory notice, but we tru.st the specimens of wit and humour that we sliall produce, before M-e part, will convince yon that Hawkie is no every day character — pitiable though he be — a moral wieek fioati/ig rapidly down tlie current of time, and we feai no hand formed of clay can recover him. THE LAIED OF LOGAK The Honours of the Table. Though Logan, as we have already observed in our introduction, was not distinguished for his literary attainments, he was nevertheless considered an excellent ' table man,' and carved with a degree of neatness and dexterity rather unusual, and he took much pleasure in exhibiting this accomplishment. On one occasion, being invited to dine at E Castle, where he was a great favourite, the Countess, by way of mortifying his vanity, and having at the same time a little amusement at the Laird's expense, ordered the cook, while dressing a fowl that was })urposely to be placed before him, to insert slight tough peeled twigs about the joints of it, which being nearly of the same colour as the muscles, and also concealed among them, it was next to impossible for anyone not in the secret to discover the trick. The Laird, whose appetite seemed to be rather sharp-set, took his place at the table with every intention of doing justice to the good cheer ; but he had no sooner begun to put his masticators in motion than a lady asked him for a little of the fowl. The Laird prepared to comply with the request, and commenced with his usual adroitness ; his progress, however, was soon impeded, and he began to haggle in a manner sufficiently awkward, his patience gradually giving way, while his difficulties seemed to increase — the company all the time affecting not to observe his distress — at last the gravy began to fly about, and the perspiration broke over the countenance of the poor Laird. The Countess relented on witnessing his confusion, and remarked in a tone of compassion, that it must certainly be a very old fowl he had got. " Old ! my lady," cried Logan, throwing down his knife and fork with an air of extreme mortification, " 1 dare say it is the mither o' the cock that crew to Peter." The Usual Apology. Logan happened one evening to be at a convivial party iu Irvine, where the toast and the song performed their merry round. A lady present being called on to contribute to the hilarity of the evening, excused herself by saying she had only one song, and it was so thread-bare, she was ashamed to sing it. " Hoot, madam," cried our wag, " so much the better, for if it's thread-bare you'll get the easier through it." 39 40 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. A Noisy Neighbour. Logan on a certain occasion happened to dine in a mixed party iu Kilmarnock, where, among other chai-acters present, there was a gentleman of the name of Barr, who frequently attracted the notice of the company by the loudness of his laugh, and the noisy manner in which he conducted himself. A person sitting next the Laird, who, being like his neighbours annoyed by Mr. Barr's vociferations, inquired who he was, bub not getting his curiosity satisfied, he turned to the Laird ard expressed his opinion that the object of his inquiries belonged to i he Barrs of Maybole. " I differ from you there," replietl the Laird, " for, from his roai'ing, I would rather take him for one of the Bars of Ayr." Advice to Heritors. LoGAX, whose property was originally very extensive, was in time necessitated to dispose of a great part of his patrimonial inheritance. At a meeting of heritors, the propriety of rebuilding the wall of the church-yard being discussed, some of those gentlemen who had recently become portioners of his estate, seemed very much inclined that the wall should be i-epaired, and matters put in more decent order ; but the V. itty and wayward I^aird, finding that all his I'hetoric against the measure was likely to be overborne, dryly and cavalierly replied — " It's weel seen, gentlemen, ye are but young lairds; or ye would ken that it's aye time enough to repair the dykes when the tenants complain." A Kindred Spirit. Major Logan was, we understand, a relation of the Laird of Logan, and partook largely of that happy vein of humour so conspicuous in the Laird, in whose company he often consumed the " midnight oil," not certainly in studying the classics, but — perhaps, in one sense of the term — iu the no less elevating pursuit of the bottle. Haviug an appointment to meet the Laird one night, in the house of that well known and much respected hostess, tasty Betty of Greenock, the ■ Major, who was considerably behind his time, found, on entering the room, the Laird in company with two boon companions, the one named Hugh H , and the other Hugh F ; the Laird himself being also called Hugh, just formed a trio of the name. The Major saw at a glance, though a little in the wind's eye himself, that all the party were more than half-seas over : Their eyes were glazed — they nodded whei'e they sat, And all begriinm'd with snuff was each cravat. He eyed the "three Hughs" for a moment as the}^ sat in their stato of sublime mystification, then throwing himself into a theatrical atti- tude, he whimsically exclaimed in the appropriate language of the bard of Ednam, Who can paint like nature — Can imagination boast, amidst her gay creation, Hims (Hughs) like thesj ? THE ROOT OF THE MATTER. 41 The Root of the Matter. Major Logan dined with a large party in tlie neighbourhood of Ayr, where a whole family of the name of Shaw were present. His sister, on the following day, was very inquisitive about who the guests were — the bill of fare, — no doubt the ladies' dresses were included — if not, Miss L. was not like her sisterhood. The major detailed patiently all the et ceteras as the querist put them. Then came the dessert in the questioning process. " And what did ye dine on yoursel' ; you would surely tak' a dish o' the new potatoes ; I scai'cely e'er heard o' them being so early on ony table." " Deed I didna taste them." *' No taste them ! — na I'm sure that's no your ordinar ; did ye really let them gang awa' frae the table without tasting thera ? " ** My lady, gin ye kent it, there was nae getting at thera for the Shaws." Logan and the Lav/yer. An under-grieve on the estate of Logan, happening to get involved in an action of damages, took legal counsel how he could extricate himself His adviser told him that in his opinion he had no recourse left but to make an humble apology, or be assessed in a serious sum, which he had little doubt would be the result of the action. His proud spirit could ill brook the humbling condition of an apologist — while the latier alternative would have been ruinous to him, he went on scratching his head for a considerable time, without saying which alternative he should adopt ; — the lawyer got impatii:nt, as another engagement w^as pressing him at the time, and he demanded an answer to his ]iro))Osal in a very angry and decisive tone of voice. "Toots, Mr. M— , ' says the Laird, who was ])reRent at the interview, *^ dinna be sae flighty — it's a puzzling case ; the lad you see is thrang consulting the crown lawyers on the matter — you might gie him a wee time — claw awa', Jock." Logan and the Ayr Bank. V/e have observed, in the short memoir of the Laird prefixed to the present volume, that he had been a severe sufferer from his connexion with that unfortunate speculation, the Ayr Bank. One day, being at E Castle, the Countt'ss expressed her surprise that a man of his years should be so grey-headed. " Deed," said Logan with a deep drawn sigh, "if your ladyship had got as many letters from the trustee of the Ayr Bank as I have done, I'm thinking you would be grey-headed too." Self-Denial. Some two years after the failure of the above Bank the Laird went into a friend's shop in Muirkirk, in the neighl)ourliood of which, at Wellwood, he then resided, and priced some clasp-knives, known by the name of jocktelegs. AJ"ter selecting one that took his fancy, and •)utting it into his pocket, he gave his shoulders a shrug, I'emarking — " Weel, I couldna trust mysel' wi' an article o' the kind in my pouch, siu' the breakiuii down o' Douglas and Heron's bank.'' 42 TPIE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Obedient Wives. The people of Greenock, and other places along the coast, are fond of telling stories reflecting on the inland ignorance of the bodies of Paisley, One of these is to the following effect :— Two corks, newly spnin«^ into affluence, were prevailed upon by their wives to allow them to pay a visit to Gourock ; but only on condition tliat they were to em- ploy their time well, and take plenty of the salt-water. Having accom- panied their spouses to that village, and seen them properly accommo- dated, the two gentlemen returned to business, and did not appear again for a week, when, observing a surprising apparent decrease in the volume of the ocean owing to the recess of the tide, one remarked to the other, " Gosh, Jamie, the jaud's ha'e dune weel !" More Smoke than Fire. A PERSON of weak intellect was a hanger-on in Sir John Maxwell of PoUok's household— and what great house is there where there is not a Jock or other to turn the spit ! On one occasion a violent dis- pute had arisen between the cook and Jock • and cooky, not contented with discharging a goodly portion of vituperative language against the spit-turner, struck him with a shovel that she happened to have in her hand. The enraged Jock seized hold of a large three-pronged fork, and the disher of dainties took to her locomotives— the infuriated man with the fork at her heels. Round and round the park in front of the mansion house did the pursuer follow tlie cook till she was fairly out ot breath, when she turned round, and, putting her hands on her sides, smilingly said, " Man, Jock, that's been a race." Jock grounding his arms, replied—" Hech, ye may say't." ' A Canvassing Cobbler. When a gallant and honourable gentleman was proposed to repre- sent one of the northern counties in Scotland he was objected to by an old cobbler, who had dogged him through the different pollino- districts, and annoyed, by his sly humour, the party who supported the gallant candidate. The claimant for popular support had invaded tne domestic circle of a nobleman in a neighbouring county, and abducted his lady. When the announcement was made from the hustings of his qualifications for their suffrages as being a proper person to represent the county, the cobbler— sticking like rosin to the object of his attack— started up on a ladder, so as to bring himself distinctly before the electors, and objected. " I beg to oppose that nomination. I say that the gentleman is not a fit and proper person to represent this large and respectable county, for he's a thief ! " " Sir," said the leader on the hustings, " take care what you say, or you shall be looked after." " I'll manteen't," said the man of awls • " did he no steal a hen frae Whinny Burn 1 " * DIVISION OF LABOUR. 43 Division of Labour. Annoying as it is in all places, it is doubly so in Ireland — the host of porters that lit(>rally mob travellers on their ariival or departux^e. A gentleman, leaving an inn in Belfast, had paid the boots for carrj'- ing his luggage to the coach office — had paid the porter at the office for having liis packages put on the coach — when a third party put in a claim. " An' troth, Sir," said Pat, " is there to be nothin' goin' at all at all for them weary murderin' trunks, your honour; an' sure an the coach will carry you all the lighter that they have been put intirely under your conmiand and safety — surely, Sir, and the sun will light the road for you to Donaghadee, and never a stone turn the wheel over." "Getvou gone, you talkative impostor." "Don't be in a rage now, else you'll take the coul' in your mouth, and make thim pretty teeth of yours raise arackit — something now for all my trouble, and nothing will come over you but good luck for ever and amin." "Well, Sir, you scoundrel, what did you do then — I paid boots to carry my luggage to the coach office — I paid the porter there — you there, carroty-headed fellow, didn't I pay you for putting it up on the coach 1 " " And troth. Sir, may you never be after doing nothin* that's worse, Sir; you paid me dacently." "You hear that. Sir; what did you do — come." "Troth, Sir, didn't I superintend?" One Thing Certain. The late Mr. Carrick was exceedingly ready in giving a humorous turn to conver.sation, and making his inferences tell with the happiest effect on the ai-guments of an adversary. Mr. C. happened to be present at a dining party, where a recent importation from Sam Slick's countiy was holding Lirge discoui'se on the advantages — political, moral, social, natural, and intellectual — of America. " Ay," says one, "your lil)erty, too — how universal ! — no preference. Noah's- de.scendants, of all shades, blend so delightfully." " Ah, what of that then — black po[iulation — they are only fit for ' hewers of wood and drawers of water' — and hark ye, I had rather be a marble-headed negro in the Virginian States than one of your Paisley weavers." "Ye would," remarked Mr. C, "aye be sure of a black coat to your back, at ony rate." A Modified Entail. A SPENDTHRIFT associate of Logan's who had squandered a very handsome patrimony once called to consult him about the most advantageous method of laying out the fragments of his fortune. " Buy B ," said the Laird. " Buy B ! " cried the other, with a look of astonishment, " what would I do wi' B 1 its naething but a hatter of peat-pots frae the one end to the other.'' " That's my reason," said the Laird, " for advising the purchase, as ye wad tak' the langer to run through it." 44 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. A Goose on the Wing. The keen sarcastic wit which occasionally displayed itself in ihe ■conversation of IjOgan was at once the dread and the amusement of his associates. Though by no means prone to that mischievous pro- pensity indulged in by some wits of running tilt against every one whose seeming simplicity of character offered a safe and inviting butt for the shafts of tbeir ridicule, yet he seldom failed to apply the lash to those who, by their overweening conceit or intrusive impertinence, rendered themselves troublesome to others. On one occasion, being at Ayr during the races, and happening to dine in a promiscuous party at the inn, the company soon found themselves annoj'ed by a loquacious egotist from Edinburgh, who could talk of nothing save the consequence and extensive business enjoyed by the house with which he was connected, and of which he represented himself as the ^I'and moving principle ; " indeed so much so," said he, " that with- out me they could not get on at all." " What may their name be, man 1 " said Logan. " Their name," said the other, drawing himself up to a proper altitude, "is & Co., military clothiers, North Bridge, Edinburgh." " Weel, man," said Logan, "I believe every word you've said, for I never yet heard of a tailor that could carry on business without his goose." A Charge of Horning. Logan once dined with a very extensive landed propi'ietor in the •county of Ayr (who afterwards attained legislative honours), when a great many of the acre aristocracy were present. After dinner cards were introduced, and the game was so keenly pursued that the sun of the fviUowing morning, which happened to be that of the Sabbath, had attained that point in the heavens which indicated on the dial, six, ere the party desisted ; and the armistice only lasted while shaving and breakfasting were adoing. The card-tables were again set out on the liiwn in front of the mansion-house, in the blaze of nearly by this time a meridian sun. One of the party — we believe the landlord himself — wore a morning gown of a flaming scarlet colour, which attracted the notice of a bull who was grazing along with the cows in their immediate neighbourhood, who made directly towards the party, crooning nnd casting the turf over his shoulders. Logan noticed the a])proach of the incensed animal, and cried out, " Rininto the house, ye deevils ! e'en the vera bill canna stan' the sicht o' cards on the Sabbath-day ! " The Home Department. John Sibbald and his helpmate resided in one of the Paisley wynds, and lived in the dog-and-cat terms of amiability. John, in the domestic rencounters, generally came off second best ; but whether it was that his generosity of temper prevented him from using a heavy hand in these combats, or want of muscular powers, we know not — reporf savs the latter was the cause. A HIGHLAND VOTER. 45 The warfare had been carried 011 one day more sharply than usual, and John had suffered so much as to be fairly invalided and laid up iu blanket nursing. A neighbour called in to make inquiry at tLfr victorious helpmate as to the proper address of a (jublic office in order to despatch a letter of inquiry. " Dist thou, Mrs. Sil)bald, ken whar the War Office is ; ye min' ovir son Jock, that listed in the twa-and- forty, seventeen year come the time." " Brawly ; wlia disna mind himi the bonniest lad that e'er was clad in tartan ; but I'm sure that I couldna tell you, imless I wad lie, whar the War Office is, but I'll speer at our John ; he's in his bed, for he's been afF his ordinar' this twa days — John, dear, dist thou ken whar the War Office is 1 '* " Wha's wantin' to ken ? " inquired John. "It's Nance Steenston^^ our neighbour ; she's gaun to send a letter to speer if her son that listed wi' the sodgers is deed or leevin'." " Well, just gae ben and tell her that she's in the War Office." A Highland Voter. When Mr. John Boyle Gray stood as a candidate for the first municipal district in the city council of Glasgow a son of the Mist was pressing forward, with an anxiety to tender his vote as if the fate of the election depended upon it. "Well," said the pi'esiding sheriff, "for whom do you vote?" "What's my vote, did you'll said 1 " " Yes." " To Boil John Gray, to be sure." A Natural Inference. A Dissenting minister in the Presbytery of Stirling had for lecture one Sabbath forenoon the siege of Samaria. After reading the passage about the price given for an ass' head, he remarked, " An'^ my friends, poor picking they would hae at it after a'. " The Effect of Habit. A DINER-OUT in a certain gay city in the land of cakes had a I'ecess of a couple of days in one week from his gastronomic labours. " Do you know," said he to a friend, " that I went to bed sober two night."? last week, and felt very little the worse for it." A Lame Bargain. One day Logan attended a horse market in his neighbourhood for the purpose of selling a mare he wished, for his own reasons, to part with. After many inquiries were made by various dealers respecting price and other particulars, a ciistomer at last presented himself, and the two soon came to terms. While paying down the cash the buyer asked if he warranted the beast sure-footed 1 " Sure-footed !" said the Laird, " what do you mean by that ] " "I mean," said the othei', " does she keep her feet on the road 1 " " I'll warrant she'll do that as weel's ony beast that ever stepped ; I've had her these four years, and I never kent her miss a foot yet." The buyer, thus assured. 46 Tiiii LAIRD OF LOGAN, mounted Lis bargain, and rode off. A few days after, however, he called at Logan House, and loudly complained of being deceived. *' Tell me how, man ? " said the Laird. " Tell you how ! " cried the indignant buyer, " did you not assure me that she kept her feet? now I've only had her three days, and she's come down wi' me "three times." "That may be," said Logan, "and the beast no to blame either : I'se warrant she's kept her feet for a' that, and if ye gang hame and count ye'll find she has a' that e'er she liad." Good Excuse for a Bad Hat. Logan, like some other eccentrics, seems to have disliked parting with his old habiliments. Visiting London on some occasion, he was met by an acquaintance in one of the fashionable regions of the city, who, observing the Laird to have on a " shocking bad hat," could not refrain from expressing his surprise at his negligence. " Oh," rejoins the wit, " it maks nae difference what I wear here — no ane kens me." This, of course, was a settler. Some short time afferwHids, however, the parties met again in Edinburgh, at Logan's old favomite haunt — the old favourite chapeau still maintaining its crowning eminence. Now, thinks the assailant, I shall certainly hedge hun. " Well, Logan, still sticking to the old hat !" "Hoot, man!" rfplies the wit, ilryly, " what matters what I wear here — everybody kens me." A Thrasher. A Highlander who was hired to be a servant v ih a farmer, proving to be rather lazily inclined, he had every uniining to be roused to go to his work in the barn. Half sleeping one morning when called on, he roars out, "You pe aye crv , ciyin' in tae mornin', rise Tonal an' trash, put ye never cry rit>t" Tonal and get her preakfast." A Railing Accusation. Dr. F. of N , whose disputes and constant lit i^-ition with his heritors would, if printed in full, occupy several g<'i.ctor about repairing the old fence, or making a new one. After Uj • deputation had examined the fence, they repaired to the Mansf. . m) explained " that they were anxious to give his garden every prott t : •••.." " That's just what I want," replied the Doctor. "Well then," ^ ii one of the deputation, "suppose we give your garden enclosm ;u effectual security in the shape of a strong fence of stabs and rst i ■ n;- i " " Stabs and railing, Sir, I have had nothing else since I came ; .. ngst you." Keep your Gab Steekit when ye kenna yoi r -ompany. One day that Dr. F. was travelling in the inside o) << ach, where there happened to be two passengers, one of whioi belonged to A ROUGH PASSAGE. 47 "the parish," and knew the Doctor, the other abruptly asked in the Doctor's presence, " if he knew how that fellow F. was getting on now." A significant look conveyed to the querist, the agreeable intelligence that their fello\v-])assenger was the veritable Doctor, After a con- siderable pause, and having looked all the directions of the compass ere he could address himself to the Doctor, to offer the mediatory pinch of snufT. " No, Sir," said the indignant clei'gyman, pushing away the proffered pinch, " I neither snulf, nor allow myself to be snutfed at." A Rough Passage. Two Paisley Corks were returning in the steamer from seeing their families at the coast. The tide was unusually low, and the steamer, though it drew as little water as any passage boat on the river, grumbled against the sand, half passage. " Weel deacon, what think ye o' our sail the day ] " " Sail ca' ye't," replied the deacon, *' it's far liker a hurl." A New Light. Every body has heard of the tipsy Irishman's attempt to light his pipe at a pump, but few are aware that Donald M'Alpine, from somewhere about the Braes o' Doune, experimented in a like manner on a fresh herring. One evening lately Donald had exceeded his usual, both in todd}-^ and in time, and, for more reasons than one, un- willing to awaken his better half, he crawled cautiously and quietly into his domicile, and preparing to crown his evening's debauch with a whif or two from his pipe, he felt the hob for the accustomed " gather- ing peat," but which had become extinct long before Donald and his cronies had fully settled the affairs of Kirk and State ; yet spying on the plate shelf what he thought suitable to his purpose, applied his cuttieto a phosphorescent fresh herring ; — fufi" — fuff — (hiccup) — pooh — blowed Donald, " what the sorrow can the gviidwife mean wi' a lighted peat on a timmer bink 1 " and finding all his puffing unavail- ing, he grasped the shining herring, but its unexpected coldness and clamminess caused him instantly to drop it, as Paddy would say, like a hot potato. " Rise guidwife and tak' care o' the bairns,'' roared Donald, " the peats fa'n into the cradle amang the clouts, we're a' in a low, we're a' in a low ; " and down he dropped himself amang the said clouts, either to smother the expected conflagration, or re^ signedly to await the anticipated catastrophe. The wake-rife Miu M'Alpine, who had long practised sleeping with only one eye at a time, declared that she witnessed the whole proceedings ; bvit being well accustomed to her husband's vagaries, " left him alone in his glory," and found him next morning snoi'ingly asleep, with the pipe in his mouth, doubled up in the cradle ; and as she expressed it, "with the soles o' baith his feet, and his face turned up to the kebbars." 48 TME LAIRD OF LOGAN. A Doctrinal Preacher. A MEMBER belonging to the congregation of the Secession, iiiider the late Mr. Pringle of Pollokshaws, went to see some old acquain- tances who resided in the village of Kippen, Stirlingshire — one of those privileged places, of which proverb saj^s, " out of the world and into Kippen." The Rev. Mr. Anderson, clergyman of the parish, a gentleman ot amiable manners, and assiduous in his attentions to the best interests of his parishioners, gave two or three sermons during the brief sojourn of the Seceder from Shaws, which pleased him exceedingly, as they happened to turn on high doctrinal points. Speaking of these discourses to Mr. Pringle on his return — " Yon's the preacher, Mr. Pringle — nane o' your fusionless legal trash ; — eh ! but he's a terrible enemy to guid warks." The Last Debt. An old man about to bid a last adieu to Kilbarchan, had his friends called I'ound him, when he was desired by his wife to tell what debts were owing to him : — " There's awn me five shillings for mutton." " Oh," interjected the delighted helpmate, " to see a man at his time o' day, and just gaun to close his last account, hac the use o' his faculties; just say awa, James." "Ay, an ten shUUngs for beef." " What a pleasant thing to see a man deein' and sensible to the last ! — ony niair — but no to distress yoursel." "An' a crown for a cow's hide." "Ay," quoth the wife, "sensible yet ; weel, James — what was't ye was gawn to say ] " " Nae mair," quoth James ; " but I'm awn Jock Tamson twa pound in balance o* a cow." "Hoot, toot," quoth the wife, "he's ravin' now — he's just tattrin', dinna mind ony mair that he says." A Legal Pendant Nonplussed. Isaac M'Gregor was a simple-minded rustic of a most obliging disposition, with a vein of sarcastic humour which he could work with very decided efiect when occasion required. He rented a small patch of ground that fringed the muir of Kippen, part of the estate of Stirling of Garden. Isaac had never seen much of the great world. With a couple of horses he contrived to keep the thatch over his shoulders and the wheels of life in working condition, by carrying wliisky for the far-famed Kepp distillery, the proprietor of which, the late Mr. Cassils, was distantly related to him. Isaac piqued him sell on his knowledge of horses, and was generally his own farrier, whether as respected medical treatment, or arming the hoofs of that noble animal against the tear and wear of the road. Isaac had been witness to the sale of a horse at the fair of Shandon, which, though sold as sound, turned out afterwards to have some defect on the hoof; and an action was raised before the sheriff, and proof allowed, to show that the disease was of long standing, and that A LEGAL PENDANT NONPLUSSED. 49 the fault must have been known to the vendor at the time of sale. Isaac was summoned to Dunblane, to give evidence before the sheriff in favour of the defender. The agent employed by the pursuer was as pompous a " quill- driver" as ever scribbled on parchment or small pott. Peter Dudgeon (for that was his name) boasted that he had a moi'e complete know- ledge of the English language than any practitioner in sheriff" or burgh court, from the Grampians to Cheviot, from his having the whole of Johnson's dictionary at his finger-euds. The words selected by Peter for common use were remarkable more from the quantity of the alphabet employed in their construction than from their adapta- tion to the idea meant to be conveyed. Peter thought to dash Isaac and so confuse him at first that his evidence would want coherence, and therefore be rejected. The officer called out, " Is Isaac M'Gregor in Court ? " " Yes, Sir ! " shouted Isaac, in a voice like the report of school-boy artillery. " Come for- ward, then." Peter threw himself back into his seat and looked terror, at the same time displaying a frill of caiubric of extraordinary depth and longitude. " Your name is Isaac M'Gregor — is it 1 " " The minister ance ca'd me that, and I haena had ony reason to change't since ; but ye needna speir my name, for ye hae kent me ony time this twenty years." " It is only for the information of the court." " Gif that be a', you're abler to tell them than I am — j^ou're glibber in the tongue." " Very well ; gentlemen of the court, the deponent's name is Isaac M'Gregor, a most enlightened, ratiocinating, and philosophic carter, from the bloody mires of Loch Leggin, Notice that, gentlemen ! Do you know anything about the vending, transtulation, or transfer of the quadruped in question ? " "I didna bring my dictionary in my pouch this day, or else I micht hae been able to spell your meaning : maybe, my lord judge, ye'll be able to explain what he means, for to me there's just as muckle sense in the blether o' the heather blutter !" " He means to ask, witness, do you know anything about the sale of the horse, the subject on which you are summoned hei'e ? " " Thank you, my lord. Yes, I ken that the horse was selt to Jock Paterson there ; and he appeared to me to be weel worth a' the siller he gied for him." " Well, my sexagenarian friend Isaac," resumed Peter, " how do you know, or how can you satisfy your mind as to the validity of the testimony upon which your powers of perception have chosen to arbi- trate so temerariously." " Och, man ! it would tak you a lang time to ken as muckle about horses as I do ; ye would need to gang out and eat grass wi' them for seven years, like auld Nebuchadnezzar, afore ye learnt your lesson." Peter was fairly put out, and got into a violent rage. " My lord, I have asked a plain question, and I must demand a categorical answer, or I shall move that the witness be committed for contempt of court." '* I would advise you, Mr. Dudgeon," said the judge, "to 4 50 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, put your questions in a more intelligible shape, and I have no doubt but the witness will give you a respectful answer." "That sairs ye right, Peter," said the imperturbable Isaac, " an' gin I had you in the niuir o' Kippen I would let ye fin' the weight o' that shakle-bane alang the side o' your head — and mak thae hornshottle teeth in your mouth dance the Dusty Miller. Ony mair to speir, ye manifest piece o' impudence 1 " " What do you know about the value of a horse 1 " resumed Peter. " I wonder what I should ken about, if I didna ken about horse — I may say born and brought up amang them — mair than ye can say, Mr. Peter, o' the profession ye hae taen by the hand." " Have you made it your business to become acquainted with the veterinary art, whether as applied to the general anatomy of the horse or the moral and physical habits of this useful animal ; and, to attain the requisite degree of knowledge, have you studied carefully the article on that subject in the ' Encyclopedia Britannica'; and most particularly, as in the minutiae of detail on this subject, have you bought of your bookseller a copy of the work entitled " The Horse,'' published under the sanction and patronage of the society denominating themselves The Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge, and made it your study by night and by day ? " '* Hech, sirs ! nae wonder, Peter, than you're blawing like a burat- ing haggis, after a' that blatter o' words ; you'll hae pitten a' the lair ye e'er got at the college in that speech, I'se warrant ; ye mind sin' you and I were at Claymires school thegither, what a poor fusionless, whey faced shawp o' a creature you war, baith in soul and body, and that you couldna spell your ain name ! " " Do you know, then, any- thing about the diseases that horses are predisposed tol" "Lang- winded is no ane o' them, at ony rate." " From your knowledge of the veterinary art, and the profound attention that you have bestowed on the subject, would you presume to sa}^ that a horse's hoof might be the seat of any latent, unmani- fested ailment — disease — malady — gangrene or tumour, protected though it be by the crust or wall of the foot, without being visible to the ocular faculty 1 Now ! " " Did ye hear the thunder down there, lads 1 Ye may be verra thankfu', Mr. Dudgeon, that ye haena mony teeth left in the front o' your mouth, or thae big words could never hae gotten out." "Really, Mr. Dudgeon," said the judge, "you are taking up too much of the time of the court by useless preliminaries. If you have any of your young men in coui't, would you allow one of them to take up the examination ] " " Very well, my lord." " William, take up this brief, or case, and farther interrogate that incorrigible carter." " AVitness ! the next question in my brief, or case — and recollect you are still upon oath — is, Do you suppose it possible for a disease or ailment to exist in the pei'forating flexor tendon without immediately manifesting itself in occasioning lame- ness by its action in the chamber of the hoof 1 " " Weel, my lord POPULAR PREACHING. 51 judge, after a', are tbae twa no a bonny paii" ? as the craw said o' his claws." The court became perfectly convulsed, so that the sheriff was himself obliged to finish the examination. Popular Preaching. A REVEREND gentleman, who had a guid gift o' the gab, or, as the late James Bell, of geographical and antiquarian celebrity, used to phrase it, " The art of communicating naething," delivered a sermon in the neighbourhood of Glasgow for some public purpose, which delighted the mob as a tub does the whale. The declaimer took high Calvinistic points of doctrine to the almost exclusion of the practical bearings of the subject. A bonnetted abhorrer of legal preaching, in returning home, was overheard eulo- gising — "Man, John, wasna yon preaching' ! yon's something for a body to come awa wi' — the way that he smashed down his text into so mony heads and particulars, just a' to flinders. Nine heads, and twenty particulars in ilka head — and sic mouthfu's o' grand words ! — an' every ane o' them fu' o' meaning if we but kent them — we hae ill improved our opportunities ; man, if we could just mind ony thing he said, it would do us guid." Antibilious Soup. Two old maids, who lived in the vicinity of Logan's estate, had made themselves notorious, like the rest of the pai'chment-skinned sisterhood, as moral dissecters, and had made enemies of the whole neighbourhood, in consequence of the unsparing use they had made of the untameable tongue, laying open the moral sores of those who came in their way. Justice, in her usual retributive manner, caused the bile which they used to discharge on others to accumulate on themselves ; and for the benefit of their health they were recommended to go to the Holy Island, situate in the mouth of the bay of LamJash, much infested with vipers, from which a soup was made famed for the cure of com- plaints to which females living in a state of single blessedness are subject. Logan advised them " No to gang sae far frae hame for viper soup ; just, ladies," said he, " swallow your aiu spittle." A Beautiful Island. A FEW days ago a lady from London, who had come down with her husband for the purpose of rusticating among the romantic shades of the island ot Bute, called on a certain Mrs. Snodbody, who lets sea- bathing quartei-s in the neighbourhood of Rothesay with the intention of arranging for part of her premises. Having narrowly ins2)ected. the accommodations, she asked if the beds were free of bugs. " Keep your mind easy about that," said the pawky old woman, " everybody but strangers ken that nae bugs come farther down the water than 52 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Gourock ; the smell o' the seaweed kills them a' before they can pass the Kempock." " Well, that's one very comfortable thing ; now, my good woman, I wish to ask you this — I was almost frightened to death with thunder in our journey from London — have you much thunder here during the summer months 1 " " Thunder ! " cried MiTS. Snodbody, with a look of well-feigned astonishment, " Losh, mem ! do you no ken that Bute's an island ? wha ever heard of thunder in an island ! " The fair Cockney, as if ashamed of ber ignorance, turned to her husband : "Well, my dear, this is just the spot for us ; what a beautiful island it is, to be sure ! and only think, we'll neither be troubled with bugs nor thunder ! " Love at Si^ht. A SERVANT girl, of no strong intellect, who lived with a lady in the neighboui-hood of Paisley, one day surprised her mistress by giving up her place. The lady inquired the cause, and found it was that fertile source of dissension between mistress and maid-servant — a lad. " And who is this lad 1 " inquired her mistress. " Ou he's a nice lad — a lad that sits in the kirk just forenent me." "And when does he intend that you and he should be married 1" "I dinna ken." " Are you sure he intends to marry you at all?" "I daur say he does, mem." " Have you had much of each other's company 1 " " No yet." ** When did you last converse with him 1 " " Deed we hae na con- versed ava yet." " Then how should you suppose that he is going to marry you ? " " Ou," replied the simple girl, " he's been lang lookin' at me, and I think he'll soon be speakin'." A Highland Epitaph. Here lie interred a man of micht, His name is Macom Downie, He'll lost his life one market nicht, In fa'ing aff his pounie. Aged 37 year. An Extensive Manufactory. Two impoi'tations from the lofty-peaked eminences of the noi-th lodged together in a room in the High Street of Glasgow. The wonders of the Scottish Babel furnished materials for large conversa- tion in the evenings — amongst the rest, the immense fuel required to serve the city. " It's a wonderfu' fire what the'll prunt in this town, Petei" — it's a thought to me about it — yes, too, Peter, more nor one fire prunt in mony house ; did anybody told you whar tey'U got all ta coal from ? " " Oich man, Neil, is that all you'll knew — they made them all in Tennant's Wrought."* * The extensive soda works of Messrs. C. Tennont & Co. , Townhead of Glasgow, which occupy at leskst twelve acres, densely planted with a forest of l>rick. A MODERN JEZEBEL. S3 A Modern Jezebel. The collisions that too often take place between parties that should have become one in temper as well as " one flesh " give the enemies of marriage opi^ortiinities of exei'cising their wit, and the lamentations of unfortunate hens pecked, or pecked hens, are their song of exulta- tion as they hug themselves in their escape from domestic strife — never giving a hearing to their opponents, who triumphantly prove that though in the married life there are many cares and sorrows, the other have no joys, and that bachelors become sooner bairns — yaumer- ing, selfish ones, too — than their brethren who have got their necks noosed in wedlock. An old man, over whom the gx'ey mare had tyrannized for many years, was visited on his deathbed by the clergyman of the parish, who urged on him most faithfully the great importance of preparing for an eternal journey, on which he appeared just about to start. The veteran in carelessness appeared perfectly callous to the touching admonitions of the messenger of peace, when the clergyman struck a more alarming note about the King of Terrors, and his fearful iron sway over his subjects. " Weel, weel," said the hardened sinner, " I'm no fley'd for the King o' Terrors, for I hae lived this sax-and- thretty years wi' the Queen o' them, and the King canna be muckle waur." No Friendship in Trade. This excellent general business maxim was exemplified in the person of Neil M 'Liver, merchant — no matter about the locality, Highland falks take things so readily to themselves — who required to come to Glasgow for goods to supply his customers for the winter, and the master of the steamer calculated on him and a few of his friends as passengers. They lay under obligations to him for sundry services rendered to them in the shape of frauds on the Post-Office revenue so as to enable Master Hill to make out his case for the Postage Reduc- tion Bill ; his obligants, however, took no berth with him, either in steerage or cabin. Meeting the parties in Glasgow, he ex})ressed his astonishment that they had not come with him. " You see," said Neil, hesitating, scarcely knowing how to excuse himself, " it was — you see — yes — that captain — yes, I'll thocht now — it was more money you'll took for our passage, nor we'll got down for with another friend of Dun- can's there, who has a poat of her nown — too — yes, more nor two shillings for each of us both — that is Duncan and me," " Man," said the master of paddles, " I'd have given you your passage for nothing rather ; an old friend to go by my opponent ! — you should have come with me." " Weel, weel," said Neil, " it's never weel to do too late — and since you are so decent with us we will every one of us all go with you home on that very reasonable term — yes, yes, captain ; you «ee a whistle more buys the penny." 54 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Advantages of having a Parish. Will Speir, known to our readers already, once happened to be in the kitchen of the Manse of , and had received an awmous from the hands of the parsimonious incumbent, who was always pleased to hear the humorous and sharp-witted replies of poor Will. While his reverence was endeavouring to bi'ing the ingenuity of the poor half- witted creature into play a woman belonging to the gangrel tribe made her appearance at the door soliciting charity. This second application was more than the minister's patience could well bear ; he instantly dismissed her, and, in rather a stern tone of voice, ordered her to go to her parish. Will heard the angry language of his reverence, and bawled after the woman to come back. " It's a waefu' thing," said the kind-hearted natural, " to be driven frae a minister's door without an awmous — hae, puir body," he continued, addressing the woman, " there's a nievefu' out o' my ain pock ; " and, turning to the minister with an expression of bitter scorn in his eye, observed, " You should mind, sir, that puir folk hae na a' parishes like you." Right of Hypothec. A WORTHY friend of ours, who acquired his slender stock of mongrel English on the " Braes o' Balquidder," and owned a property in Calton, had lately the mortification to find that a tenant of his, a cowfeeder, had sold off all the stock and made a moonliglit flitting. The landlord, hearing of her decampment, hastened to the spot, to see if anything had been left whereby he might indemnify himself ; but behold ! all the rowters were off and the byre cleaned out. Just as he was preparing to leave the premises, one of the cows made her appearance at the byre door, and claimed admittance. " Hawkie, my own latie, come awa," cried he, " I'm ferry glad to saw you once more ; you're a far more honester woman tan your mistress." Drawing the Long Bow. Onk day, Logan happened to dine at the Earl of E 's along with some English gentlemen, when the conversation chanced to turn on the comparative fruitfulness of the northern and southern divisions of Britain. The Laird, who was always a steady stickler for the honour and general superiority of Scotland, displayed on this- occasion the full bent of his national predilections. One of the gentlemen, however, wishing to come to particulars, requested to know how much wheat an acre of the best land in Scotland would produce. Logan, wishing to astonish his opponent, named a quantity which he thought would have that effect. " Pooh, pooh ! " said the En<^lishman, " that's not more than half what is reaped from the very commonest of our lands in the south." " But now tell me," con- tinued he, still addressing the Laird, *' what quantity of beans will, the same extent of ground produce ? " " Na, na, frien','' said Logan,, AN ACCOMMODATING BEGGAR. 55 seemingly piqued at being jnit down, *• lee about is fair play — it's your turn to speak first now." An Accommodating Beggar. A WRETCHED looking mendicant, the curvature of whose spine indicated the pi-essure of " thi'ee score and ten," put gently ajar the counting-house door of a commercial gentleman, with, instead of " pity the sorrows," — " I'm very vext to trouble you, Sir, but I am an auld man, tiiat has little to eat, and less to put on." " I have no copper ; " when old Pocks offered discount, " Dinna put yoursel about, I can gie ye change." Courtesies of the Table. Among the many choice spirits who figured in the convivial circles of Ayrshire about the close of the last centuiy, no one, perhaps, was a greater favourite than Mr. H of S . In person and manners he was quite the beau ideal of an accomplished tableman. Along with a fund of good humour, he had a superabundance of pleasantry, which rendered his company particularly attracti^'e ; while his countenance bore ample testimony to his social propen- sities, for, as it was truly remarked, " a wider mouth for a laugh, or a redder nose for a bottle, was not to be found among all the votaries of Bacchus." Dining one day with the Laird of Logan, Mr. H happened to help himself to a little brandy after his fish — a custom which is still kept up at some of the hospitable boards in that very hospitable county. When holding up the glass between him and the light — " Laird," said he, addressing Logan, '' this is rather pale for me ; I would prefer some of your dark brandy." " I assure you Mr. H , what I have sent you is the dark brandy." " I'll no contradict you. Laird, in your ain house ; but it looks pale to me." '• I'll no contradict you, Mr. H , out of your ain house ; but you should consider, that your i*ed nose and muckle mouth, would gar ony man's brandy look pale." A Royal Regiment, When the 42nd regiment was recruiting at Paisley early in the present century, the address of the sergennt to the gaping multitude was as follows : — " Come noo, lads, enter that auld bauld corps — often tried never found failing — ca'd the Twa-and-Forty Regiment o' Hieland Feet, commanded by Prince Frederick, king o' Europe, and a' the Eiiropes i' Scotland." Highland Arithmetic. It is said, that when this " auld bauld corps " was recruiting in the Highlands, it was not uncommon in the public-houses to hear a sergeant, with a large bunch of notes in his hand, thus addressing his newly-enlisted man : — "Sax and twa's ten — tak' your boonty and awa wi' ye, you scoon'rel." 56 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. An Irish Expositor. A Scottish clergyman lecturing on the passage in Scripture, " It is easier for a camel," &c., &c., said. " My brethren, the needle eye was a gate-way in Jerusalem, through which a loaded camel could not pass, until she was unloaded." Enough is as Good as a Feast. While the late Rev. Mr. Robertson of Kilmarnock, of whom notice is taken in our Introduction, was preaching in a country church, a young man in the front of the gallery had stood up several times, and seemed, as it were, to be fond of exhibiting his person to the congregation. Although this is a habit by no means uncommon in such places, it seemed to annoy the Rev. gentleman. After look- ing at him several times, he stopped the thread of his discourse, and thus addressed him: — "Jock, my man, sit doon noo, for I'm sure there's no a lass in a' the kirk that hasna seen twa-three times your new plush waistcoat." Church Accommodation. Mr. R., when in the pulpit, never allowed even a passing incident to escape unnoticed. The popular voice, in regard to excellence of preaching, was, at the period to which we refer, divided between him- self and the Rev. Mr. , whose eloquence as a preacher made him little less than the idol of the people. When the latter accordingly happened to be from home, a number of those individuals who ran from one place of worship to another, waited upon the ministry of the former, and, as might be expected, were generally entering the church after the service had commenced. Upon one occasion, Mr. R. had just finished the first prayer, when a rustling was heard in the gallery caused by the approach of some such individuals. " Sit about, sit about, my frien's," cried Mr. R., *' and gie the fleein' army room, the bit idol's no at hame the day." Kilmarnock Prediction. Upon another occasion, having entered upon the character, and given a somewhat copious history of Napoleon Buonaparte, who at that time carried all before him on the continent, he concluded his discourse by announcing the following prediction, which to those who rightly understand the terms of it, was afterwards fully verified. " My frien's, I've tell'd ye what was the beginning o' that man, and I'll tell ye what will be the end o' him. He'll come down yet like a pockfu' o' goats' horns at the Broomielaw." * * At this time there was a very extensive trade in goats' horns carried on between Glasgow and the island of Arran. They were used in some processes of dyeing. Large bales of this horny commodity, loosely packed, -were delivered at the" Broomielaw, Glasgow quay, with the simple apparatus then in use. With such packages little care was observed in landing, and they were generally thrown down wiSi violence, and consequently made a great noise. AN APT QUOTATION. 57 An Apt Quotation. The late Kev. Mr. Pringle, of Pollokshaws, was a clergyman of mild, but firm maimers, in dealing with members of liis congi'egation. One of these was much addicted to dram-drinking, and, though seldom going great lengths in public, went so far as to become an object of serious advice, remonstrance, reproof, and threat ; all of which had been tried in turn, and for a time had their effect. Exclusion, at last, from the privileges of the church was threatened, if another instance of indulgence was proven against him, and the defaulter promised implicit obedience in future, and did keep his promise for some time, which gladdened the benevolent heart of Mr. P., hoping that he had been the means of reclaiming the unfortunate man from vicious indulgence, and restoring his usefulness to his family. One day Mr. Pringle was coming through the main street of the village, when whom should he see, exhibiting unequivocal symptoms of intoxication, but his irreclaimable member, describing his course at regular angles, and making towards him, as rapidly as the frequent adjustment of the centre of gravity permitted. The offender noticed his minister, who could not be avoided, and made a lurch somewhat, lengthening the limb of the angle, into a recess, and put his back against the wall till Mr. P. came up to him, quoting, with knowing emphasis, standard authority as an apology for his failings, " No mere man since the fall, is able pei-fectly to keep the commandments, but doth daily break them in thought, word, and deed." A Scotch Coroner. " This is a most tragical event which has happened," said an individual to Bailie , one of the high functionaries of a certain royal burgh. " Bless me ! what is it 1 " " Why, your neighbour W G has committed suicide." " Wha on ? " anxiously inquired the bailie. A Scotch Answer. " That's a braw young quey you're leading, gudeman. Whar may you ha'e brought her frae 1 " " Do you ken the auld kirk o' Duns- core 1 " " Atweel do I." " Wi' than." A Highland Preference. A JURY trial took place lately in one of the burghs in the county of Lanark, where three labourers were charged with a serious assault on two Highlandmeu. The complainers had given a very connected and consistent statement to the public prosecutor, who, in consequence instituted criminal proceedings against the assaulters. The fiscal, as usual, in a soft, confidential manner, put several questions to the com})lainants, to show to the Court the competency of the charge, and to all these questions the Highlanders, who had concocted the whole SS THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, matter, having malice prepense, answered most readily, always antici- pating the legal querist, " Ou yes. Sir, your honour, it was as you'll spoke, all that and more too, as Donald my Mend will told you." " Yes, it is," replied Donald, " it's all true, and moreover, more nor that beside, but she didna want to say no more against the poor lads down thei'e, to make an anger against them — deed is't." The counsel for the panels then commenced a raking cross-tire, when the yarn in the web of evidence lost its lees, and the Donalds got fairly entangled, and floundered in the meshes, shrugged their shoulders, scratched their heads, and looked unspeakable confusion, to the no small amusement of the Court. The elder of the two at last addressed himself to the Judge, " Och, Sir, would you let the tither man spoke," pointing to the fiscal, " I like him far better." Hawkie's Retorts to the Police. This orateur du pave, the outlines of whose eventful life we have already given, has only to stand a few minutes on the street in the act of preparing for the delivery of an oration, when a mob is instantly collected to the annoyance of the conservators of order, and a man- date is forthwith issued by the police to put his limb and locomotive adjunct, the stilt — in motion. — " Take the I'oad, Sir, and not obstruct the street," said the imperative batonman. "I hae nae richt tilt,'' rejilied the wit, " for I pay no road money." On another occasion. — " Be off. Sir, and not disturb the street by collecting mobs." " Weel, blame na me, but the congregation." Another. — " Don't stand there. Sir, and collect a crowd." " Ay, there's a pour o' hearers, but very few believers." Very Characteristic. Hawkie called on a shopkeeper one night soliciting somewhat to pay his lodgings, who remarked that he had surely come little sjDCed when he had not made so much as would defray that small matter, *' That's a' ye ken," replied Hawkie, " my lodging costs me mair than yours does." " How do you make out that V " In the first place, it costs me fifteen pence to mak' me drunk, — boards an' banes mak' up the bed and contents, an' unless I Avere drunk I couldna sleep a wink — the bed that I hae to lie down on would mak a dog youll to look at, and then the landlady maun be paid, though a week's lodgings would buy a' the boards and bowls that's in the house. I hae made but little this day — I was up at the Cowcaddens, whar they hae little to themselves, and less disposition to spare ; an' wearied out, I lay down at the road side to rest me — a' the laddies were saying as they passed, ' Hawkie's drunk,' an' vex't was I that it was na true." Danger of Weaning too Early. Hawkie is one of those to whom ardent spirits are meat and drink, and meal-time any, or every hour in the twenty-foui' — the measure not FAMILY DEBTS. 59 BO much the quantity that can be taken, as what can be got. — Ask him, " Well, Hawkie, how many glasses have you got to-day ? " "I ne'er counted them ; I just took what I got; I am owei" auld a bairn to spean now ; my mither weaned me when I was four months auld — 80 ye needna wonder at my drouth." Family Debts. " I AM sxirprised," said a person remonstrating with Hawkie on his dissolute life, " that a person of your knowledge and intellect can degrade himself by drinking whisky until you are deprived of reason, and with whom the brute could justly dispute pre-eminence. I would allow you two glasses per day, if you can't want it, but no more. " Now that's fair," replied the wit, " but will ye lodg't in a public house 1 Man, ye dinna ken what I hae had to do — my forefathers and foremithers too — for I suppose, if you and me hadna haen baitli, we couldna been here — were a' sober fok, an' I have had just to drink for them a'. Ye see, they ran in debt to the British Government and left me to pay't, and when I couldna do't I got an easy settlement with the foks o' the Exchequer, on condition that I was to pay up by instalments, and wharever I saw a house wi' reading aboon the door head, " British spirits sold here," to pay in my dividend, an' thei'e was nae fear o' its coming to them." Economy in Colours. A Bibliopole in the ancient burgh of Stirling, had a spinster sister who kept his house, and took besides more than half the shop duties, was anxious to oblige a friend who had introduced a portrait painter to her acquaintance, who had come to locate in the Royal city, and immortalize those favourite specimens of flesh and blood on canvass, who should employ him. The sister of Folio pled earnestly with her brother to have her likeness taken. " It'll no cost muckle, Samuel, I'm sure, and the folks will see't in the shop, and, poor body, he'll maybe get a great deal mair to do — now, will ye no consent?" " Na, na, Kirsty, it wad be a Highland kindness for you to gie him your picture to do ; dinna ma k' onybody suffer by ye, as they scranky- shanked mizzle-shinned Highlanders do ; do ye no see, woman, ye wad waste a' the poor painter's yellow 1 " A Highland Financier. ** How is my poor friend Norman M'Lean ; I hear he is»back in the world ? " inquired a commercial gentleman, who was taking an order from a customer in one of the northern clachans. " Deed poor man it's all true, indeed, and grieved am I in my own mind about him every day, for he was a decent neighbour, as he was to me and every one aboixt him." " But how does he contrive to exist here, having noth- ing to do 1 " "I am sure, unless I were to say what I didna ken, I 6q the laird of LOGAN, don't know ; but there I see him all the week from day to day, whar his meat and clothes come from nobody knows ; no doubt, he'll got a few potatoes and plenty of sleep, and that's all anybody knew." "But, dear me, can't he get a bit of land ? I am sure here it can be had for little or nothing, and cultivate it for his subsistence." " Is that all 3'ou'll knew now about this place ? Nothing here now, but your petters, (gentry) and they'll put all the ground into large farm, oich, no ! no ! that no for poor Norman ! " " Well then, there's the open sea, a good fishing coast ; get a boat and a few lines, and live on the produce of his industry." " Yes, all goot tat, but a fishing poat and line is not got for nothing, and who's to pay the piper." " Then I can suggest no other mode of living here." " I'll shust tell you then, as you are a goot friend of his mony a day, what I'll advise him to do, more nor one or two time myself, it was shust to turn himself into a merchant." Irish Recognition. As the Paisley steamer came alongside the quay at the city of the Seestus, a denizen of St. Mirren's hailed one of the passengers, " Jock ! Jock ! distu hear, man? is that you or your brither V Coach Office Queries. The Paisley bodies are a class sui generis, especially the operatives ; from their habits of thinking and speaking one would have thought that a colony of bog trotters from the swamps of ould Ireland had been their forefathers. When inquiring after seats in the Glasgow <;oach office, nothing is more common for them than to ask " Are a' your insides out 1 " an inside seat had been secured, but the office where booked, forgotten. " They're no a' out — are they no ? weel, will ye look gin tis woman has an inside ; " or hailing the drivers of the Paisley coach, Sons of Commei'ce (strongly accented on the ultimate), as they passed along the street, " Ah, hey man, dinna ca* your wheels sae fast, hae ye a bit bare spat on the tap ] " " Hae ye ony Paisley coaches that rins to five o'clock 1 " " Is the coach awa % they're in a desperate hurry, I'm sure its nae mair than ten minutes past the hour ; I maun either hae back my siller or anither seat; I'm no gaun to throw awa' my bawbees that gate ; you'll soon mak rich ■enough, gin ye rin awa' wi' foks' siller an' their seats baith." Booking at the Paisley Coach Office. " Well, what name shall I enter in the way bill ? " "I wonder ■what ye hae to do wi' my name, gin I gie you the siller ; my name was na paid for to be gien awa' in a coach office." " Just as you please, but your seat cannot otherwise be secured." " Gin tat be the case ye may hae't, John Tamson, o' Butter Braes — an' ye may pit •esquire til't gin ye like ! at least I reside on my ain farm 1 " HOPE DEFERRED. 6i Hope Deferred. *' Go to bed, Sir, in the closet there," said an enraged father to a Hon, who had given him just cause of offence ; " were it not that these gentlemen are present, I would give you a sound whipping, but you shall have it before breakfast to-morrow, certain." The little rebel went to his crib with a heavy heart, and the enjoyments of the party continued until a h\te hour — ^just when the party was about to break up, the closet door was quietly pulled back, and the young offender put out his head, requesting that the sentence might be put in exe- cution, " Father, would ye just gie me my licks this night, for I canna. sleep without them 1 " Highland Wit. Who is there that has travelled the West Highlands, and does not know RoRY More — the rattling, roaring, ready-witted, warm-hearted, big-fisted Highlandman, that keeps what her nainsell calls the " Travelling Emporium 1 " Surely none. And who that has ever experienced the comforts to be found vmder his roof-ti'ee, but feels an "ardent longing after " a repetition of the enjoyment 1 Surely few ; and those who have had the pleasure of cracking a bottle with him, and seen him in his glee, for " muckle glee and fun has he," will easily believe the following little anecdote. A Cockney, one of the most troublesome and supercilious of the genus, who, during a residence of three days had been the pest and torment of waiters, chambermaid, boots, and in fact the whole tail of the inn, having at last made up his mind to depart, he marched vip to Rory with his hat set obliquely on his highly frizzled poll, a cigar in his mouth, and his hands doubled up on his haunch bones. " I say, landlord, I vants a os." " That's what I can't give," says Rory, " all the horses ai-e out, and I could not get one for you were it to save your life." " Oh ! d — me, landlord, that answer vont do for me ; I'm going off, and what the devil am I to ride on, pray?'' "Just," replies Rory, cocking his eye, " ride on your own impudence, it will carry you further than any horse in Argyleshire." The Highland Calendar. There are many anecdotes of Rab M'Kellar the Highlander, who erst was the jolly landlord of the Argyll Hotel in Inveraray. The last time we saw the hearty roistering fellow — peace to his manes ! — he is now no more — he was bickering with an Englishman in the lobby of the inn regarding the bill. The stranger said it was a gross imposition — he could live cheaper in the best hotel in London, to which Rab, with unwonted nonchalance, replied, " Oh, nae doot, Sir — nae doot ava — but do ye no ken the reason 1 " " No, not a bit of it," said the stranger hastily. " Weel then," replied the host, " as ye seem to be a gey sensible callant, I'll tell ye : there's 365 days in the Lunnon hotel-keeper's calendai', but we have only three 62 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, month in ours ! — do ye understand me noo, frien' ? — we maun mak }iav in the Hielans when the sun shines, for it's unco seldom she -dis't ! " Rab Hamilton. Rab Hamilton, a person of weak intellect, well known in Ayr, was a staunch Seceder. One day, however, he went to hear a ser- mon in a church belonging to the establishment, where the sermon was generally read, and took his seat on an inside stair, that had what is called a wooden ravel. In his anxiety to listen he put his iiead through the railing, and when he attempted to pull it back, he found he was caught by the ears. He pulled and pulled, but in vain. At length, a sudden thought struck him, that this punishment was a just infliction for leaving his own church. " It's a judgment ! it's a judgment on me for leaving my ain kix'k ! it's a judgment," cried he, to the amusement of the whole congregation ; " it's a judg- ment on me for leaving my ain kirk, and gaun to hear a paper minister ! " Rab on Monies. Rab was one day offered his choice of a sixpence or a penny, by a passenger, who was just waiting on the Glasgow mail. Being asked v.hich of them he would have, he said, " I'll no be greedy, I'll take the wee white ane." A Case Supposed. Rab Hamilton once dined in Kilmarnock, in a favourite inn, where he was well known, to his stomach's content; as Rab needed not any stimulant to assist digestion, no ardent spirits were offered. *' I am sure," says the waiter, " ye hae gotten a guid dinner this day, Rab." " On ay, atweel have I, nae doubt o't, but, gin the folk at Ayr speir at me when I gae hame, an' there's little doubt but they'll do't, if I got a dram, what will I say ? " Rab's Dream. Rab was in the habit of occasionally receiving a small gratuity from one of the clergymen of the town. From some cause or other this had been for some time neglected by the minister, but had by no means been forgotten by his pensioner. One day the clergyman and Rab having met — " Weel, how's a' wi' you the day, Rab ? " inquired his reverence. "Deed, I'm no verra weel, sir." "Ay, what's the matter?" " Oh, sir, I had an awfu' dream last night : I dreamt that I was dead, and that I gaed awa' to the guid place ; and when I cam' there, I knocked at a big yett, and after I had stood a while, there was a man, I believe it was the Apostle Peter, looked owre the tap o' the yett, and he cries, Who's there ? It's Rab Hamilton, says I. AVhar says he, do ye come from ? Says I, frae the auld toun o' Ayr. Hech man, says he, I'm glad to see you here, for there's neither PRECEDENCE IN PANDEMONIUM. 63 man nor woman come here frae that place for the last twa-three years." Precedence in Pandemonium. On another occasion, he asked him if he had been favoui'ed with any more dreams 1 " Ou ay, sir," says Rab, " I had an awfu' ane nae far'er gane than last night." " Ay, and what might it be about ?" " Oh, I dreamt I was dead again, and I gaed awa to the ill place, and I chapped at a big iron yett, and first cam' ae deil, then anither ane, and then a third ane." "And what said ye to them 1 " "I just tell't them to gang ben for the Muckle Deil himsel', and tell him to come, as the minister o' Ayr was on his way here." The Laird like himself as President of a Dinner of the Day, 17— The day was one of intense cold ; the frost during the previous night had been uncommonly severe ; every house, whether thatched or otherwise, was thickly covered with a hard coating of frost and snow, from which depended long spikes of ice glittering in the feeble rays of the sun like reversed bayonets at a soldier's funeral. The Westport well, and indeed every well in town, had an irregular train of silvery-looking icicles hanging from the spout, long and flaky, and such as the children in some parts of Scotland call the tail of John Frost's gray mare. Few pedestrians were abroad ; here and there perhaps might be seen a sedan-chair borne along by a brace of red-nosed Highlanders, who, from the appearance of their breath on the thin cold air, might, without much aid from the imagination, be supposed as snorting forth fire and smoke in wrathful indignation at being obliged to leave off toasting their brawny shanks at what the worthy Bishop of Dunkeld calls their " bein fyres bote," and to go trudging about receiving from nature's hand her " sparkling hoar- frost on their uncombed locks." It was on this day that a select party had made a paction to dine together in Saracen's Head. This inn was then considered the chief house of entertainment in Glasgow, and the most fashionable resort of the nobility and gentry of the West of Scotland. Here the magistrates held all their convivial meetings, which on extraordinary occasions, was made known to the public by the fact of two town ofiicers with their halberds taking post as a guard of honour at the door.. The Lords of Session also, in going the circuit, always made the Saracen's Head their place of sojourn. The house no doubt was well kept, and the gaucy, good-humoured, rattle- tongued landlady, with her rosy haffets and large laughing brown eyes, was to many no small part of the attraction, though she laughed too much, and often out of place ; but where a woman has good teeth to show, this will always happen. Yet, though Mrs. M'Millan was at times rather forward, and took great liberties in the way of joking with her customers, she was in the main a frank, furthy, kind- hearted, good sort of woman. 64 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. The party kept their time pretty well, and consisted of nearly a dozen. Auaong these were, young Sillerknows, the Laird of Auld- gavel, Doctor Seggie, who came in a chair, with his little French cocked hat under his arm, as black and glossy as a new feathered crow, while his coat was covered with hair-powder, that had fallen from his head almost to his pouch-lids. The Doctor, who was a fat, little, round about looking man, was rather particular in the matter of dress, and on this occasion, besides an abundance of frills at his Ijreast and hands, displayed between his waistcoat and the adjoining portion of his habiliments, a bulge or roll of linen of the finest texture, and the most spotless purity. This seemed to be regarded by some of the company as proceeding from vanity in the Doctor ; othei'S imputed it to the rotundity of his figure preventing him from keeping the parts of his dress so close together as he might otherwise have done. There wag also present a very odd-looking young man, who had been amusing him- self through the day by skating on the river, and was brought to the party by Logan of that ilk ; he was dressed in a long red coat, buck- skins and boots ] his face was completely overrun with marks of the smallpox, while his nose was all drawn to one side of the face, and his mouth, as if from afiection, appjared to have followed in the same direction. Whether it was from the peculiar form which his mouth had taken supply, but he had acquired an inveterate habit of indulg- ing in a low whistling kind of noise, a practice over which he seemed to have no restraint, even in company. The poor fellow was quite unconscious himself of the defect ; though it certainly made him unpleasant to strangers who had not acquired a taste for his style of music. It was afterwards whispered about, that he was just come to take up his abode in Glasgow, along with his mother, a widow lady, and that he was a young gentleman of great property, and still greater prospects, a piece of information which seemed not only to im- prove his personal appearance in the eyes of some of the company, but also to render the small quiet sound of his whistle by no means dis- agreeable. While waiting for dinner, the company drew all as close round the fire as possible, and the conversation soon became very animated on the state of the weather. One declared he had seen a Highland cfiicer slide on one foot from the top of the Drygate to the bottom, and that, when he stopped, he found the foot he had held up so firmly frozen to the bottom of his kilt, that he had to hop all the way to his lodgings. Another had seen two married ladies fall into an open part of the river, and in consequence of their clinging to each other after they were got out, they became so completely frost- locked, that their husbands had to get them carried to a house to have them thawed, so that each might have his own wife again. " Pooh ! " cried Logan, "that's naething to what our landlady told me ; she said that King William was seen blowing his fingers this morning ; that when she got up, she found the hens all frozen to one bauk, and the cock to another, so that the ThE LAIRD LIKE HIMSELF. 65 hens could not follow the cock, nor the cock follow the hens, till she bathed their feet in boiling water. She also mentioned that the Provost's big red-nosed butler, Ned, wishing to tike his morning by himself, in a sly way, had mistaken a bottle of weak French wine for a bottle of Farintosh, and, before he could say ' h(!re's to ye, honesty,' his lips were hiud and fast to the mouth of Monsieur. It was like to be a serious cas>- foi old red-nose, for the frost was getting harder and harder, and he was like to be choked for want of air, till he thought of breaking the bottle. But the poor man has been going about with the neck of it sticking to his mouth, and his fellow-servants laughing at him, and saying he richly deserved it for thinking of drinking in such a morning without asking his comrades to taste." " These are all very freezing kind of stories, gentlemen," said Dr. Seggie; " but without any joke it is certainly very cold, and I don't see how we are to manage to take our dinner unless we get warm plates to eat it off." " Wai-m plates," exclaimed several voices. " Yes, gentlemen," cried the Doctor, '* it is not uncommon in the South to have them in such weather, and I don't see Avhy we should not have them here." " Warm plates for Scotsmen ! a man's stomach maun hae come to a poor pass when it canna warm a dinner for itself," said Logan, " but let every man have his humour — here's the land- lady, you can tell her about it. Doctor." " Mrs. M'Millan," said the advocate for comfort — "the day is so very cold that we fear we will not be able to eat our dinner." "Not able to eat your dinner ! " screamed the jolly dame with a loud guffaw which interrupted the Doctor's preamble. " Now, that beat's a'! " our gudeman and me, and indeed everj'^ one about the house, eat more in this weather than they do in the heat of summer. I declare every jaw in our kitchen is gawn as if it was for a wager." " Mrs. M'Millan," said the Doctor, in a tone of greater solemnity than the occasion called for, " it is not the conduct of your kitchen people that is the matter in hand — have you any objections to give us warm plates to eat our dinner off? " — " Warm plates ! — did you say warm plates I Dr. Seggie. Weel, I've keepit a house this mony a year, and I never heard o' warm plates to a hot dinner before." " Then you refuse to give us them," " By no manner o' means, Di'. Seggie, so you needna lift folks before they fa' — you're welcome to any plates you please, and a' that I have to say is, that the longer a body lives they see the mae fairlies." " But is the dinner ready, Mrs. Mac? " " Deed is't, Auldgavel, and served up in the magistrates' room. Every thing's ready but the plates, and they'll soon be warmed, if I thought you wasna making a fule o' me." " Woman,'' cried Dr. Seggie in a pet, we neither came here to make fools, nor to be made fools of, so get the warm plates momently, or I, for one, will leave the house." " Sweet keep us a'," cried the good- humoured hostess, " there's a storm in somebody's nose, light whaur it like — but dinna be in a hurry, Doctor, we'll mak' ye a' right belyve — you've gotten a warm temper, and you'll get a warm plate, an' I'll warm a bottle of water to put to your feet, and you'll get a warm 5 C6 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. brick in a nice clean wai-m towel, to sit on, and if a' that doesna mak' ye comfortable, my certie ! ye maun be ill to please." So saying, Mrs. M'Millan wheeled ofl' with a loud laugh to attend to her duties in the kitchen, leaving the Doctor fretting and spluttering with anger, like a sausage in a frying pan. ** Weel, gentleman," said Logan to the company, who had now- mustered in the magistrates' room, " here's a goodly set out, and I propose that Dr. Seggie take the chair instanter." " I'll take no chair in this house to-night." " What ! You don't mean to take your dinner standing V "I mean what I mean, and I'll either sit or stand as I see proper." " Weel, weel, Doctor, if you're in that bow- wow-humour, we must just get somebody else; come awa', Auld- gavel." " Na, na, I ken nae better chairfu' than yoursel', Laird, so sit down and tak' your frien' wi' the red coat here up beside you, and nae mair about it, for the dinner's cooling, — and if you've nae objec- tions, I'll face you mysel'." " That's the thing, at last — come up to my right hand. Bob. By-the-bye, gentlemen, I should have told you before, that this is my frien', Mr. Robert Hornshottle, of Howlet's howf, and likely soon to be of some other howf, if he plays his cards right. But here's the warm plates ; hand them down to Dr. Seggie, he's nearest the haggis." " There has been too much said about warm plates already ; besides, I don't like haggis." " Will you take some hare soup, then ? " "No." "Then say what you'll take yourself. Doctor." " I'll take some of the beef in front of you. Sir, if you can assure me of its being well pouthered." " I can only say this. Doctor — that Mrs. M'Millan's cook and your barber seem to be the best hands at poutherin' beef I know, and I think what I'm going to send you is off a bit of as weel pouthered beef as yourself" " Sir, I don't un- derstand you ; if I'm powdered, I'm the more like the company ; but I wont be called nicknames by you nor any man. Sir — no Sir, no man shall call me powdered beef with impunity." "Hand that to Dr. Seggie. I'm thinking, Doctor, you'll find that very excellent pouthered beef, although, like yoursel', it seems a wee thocht short to the cut." " I'll have none of your beef. Sir — you wish to make me the laughing-stock of the company, but I wont be made a laughing- stock by you, Sir, nor any man. Sir." " Weel, weel. Doctor, see if you can get any of your neighbours to take it." " See to that your- self. Sir," cried Seggie, turning his back pettishly on the chairman. " No offence. Doctor — but I thought, as you were rather more in the powder way than myself, you would have a better chance for a customer." "Do you say pouthered beef, Sillerknows ] " "I do, if Auldgavel will help me to some of the breast of that turkey, at his elbow." " I'll do that, and you'll find the turkey a gi-eat improve- ment, for I fear Logan cut for the Doctor off a part that was rather salt." " Why, gentlemen, I don't know what to do with our frien', the Doctor ; I've tried him with haggis, hare soup, and pouthered beef." " Sii-, I want none of your attentions." " But I will attend to you though — and every one in the company— while I fill this chaii-, — THE LAIRD LIKE HIMSELF. ^y so look around you, Doctor, and see if there's anything to tickle your fancy. There's a fine young goose, plump, crisp, and tender, wi' a pudding in its gebbie, and apple sauce at his side, like a wee! tocher'd lass, and no courting required, Doctor, but just put forth your hand, and help yourself. There is also a peerless looking pie, covered with a paste that might tempt a Bishop, and I'll warrant its inside is as rich as the mines of Potosi — so, Doctor, if you're inclined to dig, you'll find your excavations well worth jour trouble. Then, again, there is a dish of partridges, each reposing on liis softluscious downy bed of savoury toast, and holding up its claws as if imploring your atten- tion. I declare. Doctor, you must have a heart of adamant, if you can resist such seducing supplicants. And look you here, my learned and fastidious friend, here's a brace of blackcock, sending forth a fragrance that might put to shame the most costly incense that ever rose from the altars of the Romans. I would give you a Latin quota- tion on the subject, but you all know, gentlemen, that Latin with me is something like Dr. Seggie's hair powder, it could get ony where, but through the skull. That's right. Doctor, tak' to your warm plate, and help yoursel'." "That's just what I mean to do," cried Seggie, breaking out into a laugh, in which the company joined — "you're a tormenting humbug, Logan, but it's of no use to be angry with you. Two or three times to-night, had I been near you, I could have run my knife into you." "Ay, ay, but I hope you'll run it into something that'll do you moi'e good. And now. Doctor, suppose you and I should ha'e a glass of brandy together." " With all my heart ; but really, Laird, I was angry." " Man, muckle ye had to be angry about; if ye heard the hecklings I get frae my friends you would wonder sometimes how I keep my senses. But you'll just better pass the bottle. Doctor, and we'll take a glass all round. You've been making an unco clatter amang the plates, gentlemen, and a little brandy will help to gii'd up your loins, and enable you to get through the duties of the day, for remember there's a nice piece of venison to come yet, so let's take dummy's way o't, and show mair teeth and less tongue. I hope, Auldgavel, you're keeping a' their beards wagging in your quarter. Come, Sillerknows, helj) yourself and Middlemains to some of the pie before you \ you'll find it good ; Mrs. M'Millan is a noble hand at a pie ; but speak o' the deil and he'll appear, here she is with the venison." " Yes, Laird, and I've brought some more warm plates, for I thought if ony thing needed them it would be the venison, though it's just piping frae the fire, and the fat's a' quivering about it like jeelie." " You're a sensible woman, Mrs. M'Millan ; set it down before me, and I'll soon show you a roomfu' o' lip-lickers. The very smell o't's a cordial ; come, gentlemen, while 'am preparing the delicacy for you, you can be washing your throats wi' a glass o' wine ; I declare the flavour o' the heather that's about it might give fragrance to a ball-room, even though all the beauty and fashion of the country were in it. May I trouble you, Mrs. Mac, to hand that to the Doctor; he's got but little dinner yet." "Deed that's true. 68 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. I've seen the Doctor mak' a better dinner affa caiilder plate." " I've seen that too, leddie, and am sorry I .said some angry words to you that there was no occasion for." " Ah, Doctor, dinna let that trouble you ; we, in a public line, maunna heed words. Words are but wind, they break nae banes ; you were a little warm, uae doubt, but^ as our cook says, a ' little pot is soon hot.' If you were as tall as Logan there, or even mysel', the heat would be langer o' getting to your head." So saying, with a loud laugh, in which the Doctor and the company joined, the landlady made her exit, after which, the duties of the table proceeded with silence and celerity, till the c»hair- man, before drawing the cloth, proposed a glass by way of drinking the dredgie of the gallant fat buck they had helped to discuss. " And I propose," cried Auldgavel, " that we include the no less gallant brace of blackcocks." " I object to that," said Logan, " they must have a glass to themselves, for I'm sure, like the gallant buck, they both died game." " Ay, ay, Logan, there's no use in talking to you, for you must always have your pun. But, by the bye, Middlemains, can you tell me what's come o' Neapknows, I expected to have seen him here to-night ? " " Did you no hear 1 He has been sequestei-ed at the Court o' Session, and the Lord Ordinary, for some reason or other, has refused to dispense with the penalty of wearing the harlequin stockings : so he's rather shy of being seen out."* — " That'll make him look to his feet." — " At least, Auldgavel, it will make other folk look to them," cried Logan, " and my certie, but I think the Lord Ordinary has gien him owre the shins, wi' a ven- geance." " Yes ! his Lordship has been rather sair on his shins." "But tell him frae me, Middlemains, to keep up his heart, for his shins will do as weel for leg bail as ever. By the bye, gentlemen, that puts me in mind o' a story of a dice-rattling neighbour o' mine, Peter Hosie o' Warlockscroft. He was a farmer, a drover, a horse- couper, a smuggler — in short, he was every thing, and you'll always see that the man of many trades thrives by none. Peter at least fell into the same scrape as frien' jSTeapknows, and, as his character didna stand high in the court, naething could be done about the stockings ; so, some time ago, he threw a plaid about him, and came over to me, under the cloud o' night, to ask my advice, for he was engaged as best man at his niece's wedding. Now you ken, gentlemen, that the harle- quin stockings, as our friend Middlemains ca's them, are not the most becoming covering for the legs of abestman. Weel I heard his complaint to an end. ' Go away home, Hosie,' quo' I — ' I'm to be at the wedding the morn, as w^eel as yourself — dress out in your best, and be sure to comply wi' the act. Put on the stockings, by all means, and just wait in the house till I come for you.' Weel, next day I mounted my beast, and * For the sake of some of our readers in the South, it may be necessary to mention that, by the old Scottish Bankrupt Act, the defaulter was compelled to wear what is called " dyvours hose," viz. stockings of different colours — the law, however, was seldom enforced, except when glaring misconduct on the part of the bankrupt was complained of. THE LAIRD LIKE HIMSELF. 69 vvlien 1 got to liosie's, I found Mm a' ready, but sair down in the mouth, poor man, aboot the showy state of his legs. So, I puts my hand in my poach, and tak's out a pair o' braw wide stockings o' my ain. ' Hae,' said I, ' draw on thae over the Lord Ordinary's, and let me see wha dare find fault wi' your shanks.' ' Laird,' said he, after looking in my face a wee, ' that's cute.' 'Cute,' said I, ' you a horse- couper and didna think on the like o' that.' Now, Middlemains, tell your friend just to tak' the same plan; for though the act compels a man to wear party-coloured hosen, it does not, in cold weather like this, prevent him from taking care of his health, by drawing on a more comfortable pair on the top of them." " Logan, you ought to go back to Edinburgh and take to the law. It's a shame for a young fellow, like you, to be spending the prime of his life among a pai'cel of country horse-coupers." " Gang back among the Edinburgh law- yers ! — I can tell you, Auldgavel, that I'm a little particular about my company, and I wish to be where there's at least a chance of meeting wi' honesty. A horse-couper may be honest, were it only by mistake ; but a lawyer, never — na, na, it's not considered professional to make mistakes of that kind. But here comes the mistress again wi' her muokle black bottle under her arm. Come awa, leddie, welcome's the wife that comes wi' a crooked oxter — here's a corner o' a chair beside me, so sit down and tell us your errand." " Deed, Logan, that's soon done — I just wish to gi'e you a dram out o' my bottle, as the daft days are coming on, and I'll maybe no see ony o* you till they're ower." " Weel you're a decent woman, and you keep a decent bottle. Now, Mrs. M'Millan I ken something about horees, and you should ken something about bottles — I can tell a horse's age by its mouth — now can you tell the age o' your bottle by its mouth." "Deed I can dae naething o' the kind. It would take Wise Pate* to do that." " Weel, I'll wager you the fu' o' your bottle o' brandy, that I'll tell the age o't by its mouth." "Take him up Mrs. Mac. — I'll back you. Now, Logan, it must be by mark o' mouth." " You know, Auldgavel, that a bottle has nae teeth, though it often makes folks show theirs — but I bet I will tell the bottle's age by looking its mouth." " Agreed." " Now, leddie, let me see your darling. Ha, ba, my faith I wadna gi'e muckle for a cowt o' its age — but let me first ask if you know how old it is," "I think by turning it over in my mind, I could tell pretty near." " TJien "step down beside your backer, in case I hear you thinking, and when you've made up your mind tell him, so that there may be nae backspangs ; in the mean- time, I'll tak anither look at the mouth." " Weel, Logan, I've got the landlady's report — are ye ready to speak out ? " "I can launch forth at once — the bottle is just twelve years old past last Hugmanae." " Logan, you're a witch ! — I mind from your saying ' launcli,' that this bottle, and anither the same o't, were blown at Dumbarton ; one of tliem was for a launch, and our guidman got the other, and he • A fortune-teller at that time in great repute among the females in Glasgow. 70 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, came hame wi't fu' o' )j randy on New-year's day moi'ning, to be our first-fit. — Logan your surely no cannie." " I acknowledge I've lost — but don't hum us about ruarks o' mouths — out with the true state of the case." " I declare, Auldgavel, if it had not been for the mouth marks I would have been as much in the dark as yourself — just look at the mouth of the bottle — don't you see tw^o white specks ] Weel, if it had not been for these two specks I would have been as much at a loss as any of the company. I was in this house along with my worthy father, who is now in the dust, on the day the bottle was brought home ; and our landlady here, wha seemed very proud about it, brought it ben, along with her curran-bun, and told us the whole story; but, says she, clapping my head, ' though we canna put an auld head on young shouthers, we can put auld brandy in young bottles.' * I think,' said I, for boys will be talking nonsense, * that your bottle and my father should be about an age. ' How that Hughoc 1 ' says the old man ; ' because you've both got specks,' said I, 'pointing to the mouth-marks we've been betting about.'" ** Now, since you speak o't, I mind of your saying that just as •weel as if it had happened yesterday, and I said to the guidman when I went out, that laddie Logan is a forward gabbing monkey — his father should look after him. I didna think then I was so soon to see you a laug swankie chiel filling a chair in my house, and keeping folks laughing at this rate. But drink, gentlemen, you maun a' taste o' my bottle, else it'll no be lucky." " I'm thinking we've a' done justice to it already — so slip awa' wi' your bottle as lang's there's ony thing in't, and send us up some claret till we think about something else." Before the claret was fairly disposed of, the company had got into a pretty jovial humour. The chairman had sung "John o' Baden- yon," Dr. Seggie had given the " Jovial Tinker," and Sillerknows was roaring at the top of his voice " My father was born before me," when a capacious bowl was placed before the chairman, supported by a bottle of rum on one side, and a bottle of brandy on the other. ** L^ow, gentlemen," cried Logan, " while I'm making up a bowl of matrimony for you, let us settle about breaking up. I have to dine at Eglinton house to-morrow, so I must make an early start." " Then I propose that we leave this when the Waits come round ; " " and I pi-opose," said Auldgavel, " that we get the Waits to play befoi-e us all the way home. It's clear moonlight, and there's a meeting of the Pech Club in the Black Boy to-night, and I would like to go past like oursel's." " My good friend," said Middlemains, " I fear by the time the Waits come round we'll no be so very like oursel's as you think, and as banes in frosty weather are said to be frush and easily snapped, so, in case some of us happen no to be so able to keep our feet, I propose that we tell the landlord to provide chairs for all except Dr. Seggie, who has got one already, and that we all take to our chairs in the trance,. and fall in in single files behind the Waits, and I think that'll make a very decent set out gaun up the Gallowgate, on a night like this.'^ THE LAIRD LIKE HIMSELF. n The company were quite in the humour to relish any whimsical pro- posal ; the above of course received a most hearty acquiescence. " Weal, gentlemen," continued Logan, " since that's settled, my right hand neighbour will ladle out the drink till I go down and arrange wi' the landlord, so that there may be no mistake about it."; — So saying, Logan slipped from the room, while Aul Igavel shook his head im- pressively to Sillerknows. " Do you think so % " " I'm sure of it ; I know the youth." "Sure of what ]" cried several of the company. "That Logan's away down to settle the reckoning." "That'll no do, we must speak to him." "You may, gentlemen, but it's of no use; we must take our revenge another time."* * On Logan resuming his seat, the company began, open-mouthed, to rate him for the liberty he had taken, to all which he listened with the greatest jjatience till he was expected to reply. " Gentlemen, fill your glasses, and I'll give you a toast : ' may we always do as we ought to do.' — You took the liberty of conferring upon me the honour of being your chairman, and 1 merely took the liberty of adding to that honour, by making yon my guests. — If I have done wrong, it was yourselves that set me the example. — I have no other apology to olTer ; so here's wishing you all a merry new-year when it comes." — " Ah, Logan, Logan, you're the old man, I see, and there's no use talking to you, so, here's wishing you may spend the coming new-year as meiTy, but much wiser, at Loganhouse, than you did last." " Weel, Auldgavel, I thank you for your friendly hint, for though it was owing to a mistake, I hope I shall never see Loganhouse in such a state again. — You must know, gentlemen, that I was from home, and only retnrned on Hogmanae, when I was told there was no whisky in the house. Now, you know, a man may as weel try to baud a young naig without a tether, as hand new'rs-day without drink ; so T told one of the men to go to Kilmarnock for a cask ; and what does the drucken idiot do, but takes in the sour-milk barrel, and brings it hame fu' to the bung, — that's to say, as fu's himsel' ; — for he kent so little about what he was doing, that he filled a water-stoup wi' the drink, and left it in the kitchen ; as for the rest o't, every one that liked went to the barrel wi' his dish, and helped himsel'. — The con- sequence was, that the men got a' fu', and they filled the women fu'. The porridge, in the morning, by mistake, was made from the whisky that was put in the water-stoup; but as none of the servants could sup them, they were given to the pigs and the poultry. The pigs .soon got outrageous, and set a-yelling in a manner that might have drowned the din of a hale reg'ment of pipers, tearing one another's snouts and lugs to tatters. The auld sow, trying to stand on her hind feet, (for what folly will beast or body not do when they get a drop * In former times, when a chairman stole away from his seat, it was gener- ally for the purpose of discharging the bill. In our days, it is for the purpose of giving the most eloquent or loquacious of tlie party an opportunity of dilating on the virtues, talents, and great merits of the gentleman who had favoured tha company, by condescending to preside over them ! 72 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, in their head) fell into the ti'ough, and a' the rest came about, riving at her as if she had been part of the breakfast. The ducks couldna baud a fit. The geese were little better, and when such bi'oad web- footed worthies are so ill at the walking, you may guess that the hens and turkeys made but a poor shift. Even the peacock and his lady, so far lost sight of their gentility, as to become birds of a feather wi' their vulgar neighbours, and screamed and staggered about through dub and mire, spoiling all their finery, that they were lately so proud of displaying. Tlie cock got better, but as for my lady, whether it was the vile mixture she had taken, or grief for destroying her rich dress, (for females, you know, have a great regard for tine clothes) I cannot tell, but she never had a day to do well after it, but dwined awa', and seemed to die of a broken heart. Poor thing ! It's a serious matter when females, who have been genteely brought up, forget themselves, — Poor Lady Pea ! she could never regain her standing in the barn-yai'd, for eveiy wide-mouthed, drouthy rascal of a duck, even when sweltering in a gutter, expected her to be his boon companion. — In short, that morning there was neither beast nor body about Loganhouse, that kent what they were doing, except the horses, and they were all as sober as judges; but a hor.se, as you a' ken, gentlemen, can carry a deal o' drink." " Ay, in a sour-milk barrel." " Weel done, Hornshottle — that's the first word I've heard from you to-night." " Perhaps Mr. Hornshottle will give us a song." " Deed, A.uldgavel, my frien' Bob is more in the way of whistling than singing." "Well, what do you say to a verse round, and I hope you'll give us the song that was made on the famous Logan festivities that you.'ve been telling us about." " Na, ftick, na, I had to gie the spavy-fitted body that wrote it a guinea note and a bottle of whisky to get it suppressed ; — one does not like to have a hale country side deaved about one's aflfairs." "I fear, Logan, the poet has not kept faith with you, for M of has got a copy of it, and sings it upon all occasions. Part of it he has got arranged to what he calls the ' Hen's march,' and I'm told it's droll beyond any thing. The ducks and turkeys he imitates to the life." " O ! I've heard plenty about that, so let us get on with the song, and finish the bowl, for supper will be served up in the next room in less than half-an-hour. — What, Bob ! you're looking queei", — Oho ! is that the w-ay o't ? " " Is Mr. Hornshottle away 1 Don't stop the song — come awa', Middlemains." In obedience to the mandate of the chairman, the song and glass followed each other in quick succession, and by the time supper was announced, the effects were beginning to show themselves in two or three unsuspected quarters. The night's repast was brief, and the bowl was once more replenished, during which, Mr. Hornshottle re- sumed his seat, under the usual condition of a verse or a bumper, as a penalty for his absence. " Try a verse. Bob," said the chairman, " though I know j'our stock is but small." And small it certainly appeared to be, — for after flatting his forehead, till the patience THE LAIRD LIKE HIMSELF. 73 the company was nearly exhausted, he stammered out the • 1 lowing : — " Here's the tree that never grew, Here's the bird that never flew, Here's the bell that never rang, Here's the drucken sa'mou." " Well, Cob, I didna think you had so muckle in you ; odd man, if these lines were your ain I wad ca' you a rising Ramsay." The con- viviality of the evening, or rather the morning, had by this time reached its height. The company broke out into a grand Dutch medley, after which, a straggling fire of verses was faintly kept up by a few of the party, while the heads of some of the others began to droop. They had all drank hard, owing to a vague impression they had of an early adjournment, as hinted by the chairman, who, it must be acknowledged, began to look drowsy himself. The house became gloomy, and sileut, and the lights, from want of attention, had waxed dim. On such a cold night, we have no doubt but the flies were all snug enough ; at least Mrs. M'Millan had by this time taken shelter among the blankets, and the landlord himself made his appearance to announce that — the chairs were all come, and the Waits in the kitchen. On hearing this, Logan rubbed his face with a little brandy, and started to his feet, like a giant refreshed, to help mine host to rouse his companions, and get them all settled in their chairs. " Re- member, M'Millan, that I bring up the reai*, and follow Auldgavel's cbaii", for I take my bed with him," said Logan, as he laid hold of the Wait, to arrange with him about the starting music, which was agreed should be the favourite old air of " We're a' nodding," as being beat adapted for the chairman's trot. On falling into a line, one of the chairs was found to be empty, Mr, Hornshottle having set off 011 foot. " That's a bard skinflint of a callant, it's just to save the expense, — but don't tell him, Mac, that I settled for the chairs, or he'll be for nicking his wizzen about losing his hobble hame," " But what will your Honour noo be doing to us for our share lift," asked one of the Celts. " Fall into the procession ; M'Millan will pay you the same as the others, and if you meet with a drunk man, put him in, and take him to Mrs. Hornshottle's, — do you know the house 1 " "We both do that, and well too." "Then take him there, and tell the servant it's Bob — but he's a little changed with liquor — but that they'll know him when they sec him with daylight. Do what I've told you, and I'll give you double fare for your trouble." " Och, we'll do tat, for I'll catch yo\i a drunk Pech, in five minute." " I hope," said Logan, as he entered the sedan, " they wont meet with Bob himself, it would be better luck than he deserves." All being ready, the Waits struck up, and the procession, lighted by the moon, took its way up the Gallowgate. J. D. Carrick. 74 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Colin Dulap.* We're muckle obliged to you, Colin Pulap, "We're mixckle obliged to you, Colin Dulap ; Ye're truly a worthy auld patriot chap, To enlighten your country sae, Colin Dulap. Ye patronise lear, and ye propagate light, To guide erring man in the way that is right ; Ne'er under a bushel your candle you clap, But let it lowe openly, Colin Dulap. A burning and shining light close by the Clyde, Illuming the country around, far and wide; Ye bleeze like a beacon upon a hill tap — A general benefit, Colin Dulap. Frank Jeffrey, and Chambers, and Brougham, and so forth, Diffuse their cheap tracts to enlighten the earth, Mony thanks to the chiels for this praiseworthy stap : Mony mae thanks to you, honest Colin Dulap. Your light unto me has been better than theirs, — For aye when in Glasgow at markets or fairs, And daundering hame rather light i' the tap, Ye're a lamp to my feet, worthy Colin Dulap. The burns and the bog-holes, the dubs and the dykes. The howes and the humplocks, the sheughs and the sykes, And ilka thing against whilk my head I might rap. Ye help me to shun them a'^ Colin Dulap. Even spunkie himsel' is nae bogle to me. When out through the moss I mai'ch hameward wi' glee; Wi' my cud in my neeve — in my noodle a drap, Oheei-'d onward by thee, my guide, Colin Dulap. *Since the above admirable jeu d'esprit was written, the amiable and accom- plished individual to whom it refers, is no more. He died on the 27th Sep- tember, 18.37, after having sat in Parliament for a few mouths as one of the representatives for the City of Glasgow. In him the commercial metropolis of the West lost one of her most eminent citizens — a man no less distinguished by his private virtues, and agreeable manners, than by his enlightened and public spirit, and the strong sagacity of a vigorous mind, richly stored with general information, and copiously imbued with literary tastes and habits. A wide range of sorrowing friends accompanied his remains to the grave, along with several hundred individuals of the same liberal political principles, and who felt that by his death their cause and party had sustained an irreparable loss. He was buried in the Necropolis of Glasgow, which occupies the surface of a rocky eminence of the most striking character, rising boldly up immediately behind the ancient and venerable Cathedral of Glasgow. A noble monument has been erected to his memory, in the form of a massive sarcophagus, of the finest Aberdeen granite. The late Mr. Dunlop was the principal proprietor of Clyde Iron Works, whose smelting furnaces send out, in particular states of the atmosphere, an immense volume of light. COLIN DULAP. 7S We pay for the sun, and we pay for the moon, We pay for ilk starnie that blinks frae aboon ; But your kindly light never costs us a rap, "Tis as free as the air to us, Colin Dulap. The sun I'd like weel, gin the sun wad bide still, But then ilka night he slides down yont the hill, Like a plump ruddy carle gaun to tak his bit nap, You never forsake us sae, Colin Dulap. Na, waur ! — ilka winter he's aff and awa'. Like our fine bloods to Italy, shunning the snaw, Scarce deigning a blink owre a hoary hill-tap. But you're ever wi' us, kind Colin l3ulap. The moon does fu' weel when the moon's in the lift. But oh, the loose limmer takes mony a shift, Whiles here, and whiles there, and whiles under a hap j But yours is the steady light, Colin Dulap. Na, mair ! — like true friendship, the mirker the night, The mair you let out your vast volume o' light ; — When sackcloth and sadness the heavens enwi-ap, 'Tis then you're maist kind to us, Colin Dulap. The day and the night unto you are the same, For still ye spi'ead out your braid sheet o' red flame ; When this weary world soundly tak's its bit nap. You sleep not— you slumber not — Colin Dulap. The folks about Glasgow may brag o' their gas. That just, like a' glaring things, pleases the mass ; Gin they're pleased wi't themsel'.s, I'll ne'er snarl nor snap. Quite contented wi' you, friendly Colin Dulaj). Ay, aften I'm niuekle behadden to you. While wauclilin' alang between sober and fou, Wi' a stoiter to this side, to that side a stap. Ye shaw me the gate aye, guid Colin Dulap. Gin neighbouring farmers felt gratefu' like me, They'd club a' tliegither, a present to gie O' a massy punch-bowl, wi' a braw mounted cap, To the man that befriends them aye, Colin Dulap. I ken for mysel' that a gift I intend — To ane that sae aften has proved my gude frien' — O' a braw braid blue bonnet, wi' strawberry tap, To be worn aye on New'r-days, by Colin Dulap. '76 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. I canna weel reckon how lang ye hae sliin'd, But I'm sure it's as lang as my mitlier lias mind , And in a' that lang while, there has ne'er been a gap In your body o' light, canty Colin Dulap. lang may ye shine to enlighten us here, And when ye depart for some new unknown sphere, That to shine on mair glorioiis may still be your hap, Is the prayer o' your weel wisher, Colin Dulap. Alex. Eodgeb. A Widow's Wonder. Leezie M'Cutcheon was perfectly inconsolable on the death of Peter, her husband, with whom she had lived some thii'ty years. Leezie was very peevish and discontented, and subject to bits o' touts now and then ; and in these illnesses was always ready to cry out, and yaumer to Peter, " I'm gaun to die noo, and the yird '11 no be cauld on my puir body, whan my shoon will be filled by some glaiket young hizzy." " Be na fley'd, Leezie, my doo," said Peter in reply ; " an' dinna vex yoursel about that ; tak my word on't, ye'll never either see or hear tell o' sic an event ! If Providence, Leezie, should tak ye aff the yirth at this time, whilk I think there's little likelihood o' his doing e'en now, for I dinna think you sae ill as ye ween, ye'll leave nae weans ahint to be ill used — which should be a great comfort to you ; and as for mysel' I can just put on my bonnet and thank my Maker that it covers my hale family." So it happened, however, that honest Peter was the first to slip away, and disappoint Leezie of her fears for a successor. On the melancholy occasion of Peter's decease, Janet Pibston, a neighbour of Leezie's, who had suffered a similar bereavement, called in to comfort her in affliction. Janet was of kindred temperament and knew prac- tically every note of the widow's gamut, from the dolorous sob to the hysteric skirl in alt. "Weel, Leezie, nae wonder than you're like to gang dementit wi' per- fect vexation. Wha was like him that's dead and awa, either in person or behaviour % — aye sae kind and sae hearty — the very picture o' gude nature — the laugh never awa from his lips, or the joke out o' his mouth." *' Oh, baud your tongue, Janet ! dinna say ony mair about him to me — my heart's like to burst through my bodice. I mind the first time that he and I foregathered — it vras at a fair in Lanrick — he was buying yarn, and I was selling't. I was a trig, weel-fax-'d lassie then, though I say't mysel' — and there was a fiddle playing, and a wheea lads and lasses dancing till't on the green just ahint whaur my stand was — and quo' he, my bonnie lassie, will ye tak a reel ? I just said, I didna care, if I had a partner onything like himsel'. — I mind the vorra tune that the fiddler played to us, as weel as if I heard the bow II IK WONDER RESOLVED. ri Bcreeding o'er tlie strings the noo-, — it was tural — lural — lal, — lal — (oh me, that it has come to this !) — ay, after that day, -woman, Peter and me war lad and lass. "It's just as 'twere yesterday to me, the night he speii't at me, gif I would be his for better or for waur ; and I just said in an afF- putting kind o' way, that I would like to hue his chnvacter frae some- body that had kenn'd him langer than I had done. 'Weel, weel,' said he, wi' a bit laugh — ye mind his bit nicher, Jenny % — ' come awa to my raither, naebody has kenn'd me langer than she has done ; ' and awa we gaed neist day, oursells twa — me riding aliiut him ; and, puir body, his mither was sae proud to see her son takin' up, as she said, wi' sic a weel-fiir'd lassie, and a bonny character she gied him as ever onybody got — and I mind she concluded wi' saying, ' that he that had been sae guid a son to her was na likely to mak an ill man to me ; ' and oh sae haj)py as we were a' thegither ; and she gathered twa or three o' her neighbours, and gied us a ' bit doing, and Peter he had to sing to us, and a braw singer he was when he likit. I mind the verra sang, too — it was, ' Oh, gin thou wert my ain ]a?sie ! ' Oh me, Janet ! I wonder wha's lassie I'm to be next % " R. The Wonder Resolved. Amongst the many anomalies observable in the moral habits of our race, there is none, perhaps, more irreconcilable with the charac- ter of a reflecting being, than that the very person who has made a breach in the established forms and usages of society, should be the first to blame others for the commission of a similar offence. A case, exactly in point, is that of our sympathetic friend, Janet Eibston, whom we left in the preceding anecdote, applying the absorbing sponge to the tears of a bereaved sister, and bewailing with her in a most lachrymosal strain. This individual, after seeing two husbands out of print, as publishers have it, and again bound to volume third in the eventful history of her somewhat voluminous husbandry, is the tirst to censure Leezie, because forsooth, she had not ridden out widow's quarantine for the full period prescribed in the weeping statute. " Dear me, Leezie M'Cutcheon, for I maun still ca' ye by the name that I kent ye by first — though ye ha'e changed it twice noo — ye hinna really been lang ere ye got the black bord about the rim o*^ your mutch snodded ; dear me, woman ! I would at least ha'e tried the widow's life for a blink, to see how I likit it ! — sax months ; no nuickle mair than the time that the braird tak's to come to the shot- blade, — the very sound o' the mools on your man's coffin-lid is no weel out o' a body's lugs yet!" "Whisht you, Janet, gin I getna sym- pathy frae you, wha am I to expect it frae 1 ye ken that you were ance a widow yoursel', but you're no that way e'en now ; maybe, if ye 78 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, kent a' that happened, ye wouldna come down pell-mell on a body at that gate. Ye mind aae ill as he was 1 " " That's John, ye mean ? ye used to ca' him, my John ; brawly do I mind him ; ye havena gi'en me time to forget him." "Stop now Janet, bide a wee; my fau't, gin fau't it be, surely disna deserve casting saut on a sair that gaet — you would gansh a body's head aff without rhyme or reason ; just gie me time to tell you — Weel, John (I'll ne'er forget him, Janet) was lang, lang in his trouble, poor man ; and him that's now in the guid- man's chair, was wonderfu' attentive ; he was at his bedside every moment that he could spare ; and I can assure you, Janet, that it was nae sma' help that he gied me, a puir single-handed woman as I was ; the verra sicht o' him, ye wad ha'e thought, brichtened up the face o' the deein' man. " I hae nae doubt taen a guidman sooner than the way o' the world, is ; but — to tell the even down truth — about the time that John gaed to his rest there was sic a thrangity i' the house, butt and ben, that I scarcely kent whiles whether my head was on my ain or itlier folk's shouthers, and he that has now the care o' me and my house was wonderfu' attentive, as I was saying', baith afore and after John's decease ; and I'm sure, till the nicht that he put the question to me, I never dream't o' changing my condition ; and he did it, woman ! in sic an o'ei'coraing way, that nae mortal woman could hae withstood it — e'en yoursel', Jenny, for a' your camstrariness, couldna hae done itherwise than I did. " He used to ca' on me, after that melancholy occasion, ance in the eight days or say ; after three or four weeks, twice — I'll no say but he micht, on an antrin week, be three times. Ae nicht, weel sal I mind't, we had sat lang beside ane anither on the settle there, and the woi'ds atween us were unco scanty, just looking at the luntin'-coal, and listening to its bit bickering flichter, naething, ane would hae thought living in the house, but itsel' and the clock wi' its warning tick, till, after a deep drawn sigh, he gae me sic a wistfu' look in the face, and took baud o' my hand, whilk was lying on my lap at the time, and sic a saft, kindly grip — I thocht I fand his very heart loup- ing in my loof — and he just said scarcely aboon his breath, * Soudna thae twa hands be ane 1 ' Weel, Janet, I thocht a' the blood in my body gathered about my heart, and came ower't, swattering like the gush coming aff the trows on a mill-wheel — an', gien me braid Scotland to do't, I couldna hae taen my hand out o' his. After this, I sawna his face for twa-three days, and whan he cam', he looked blater-like than usual, and no a word that nicht about the hands. The very neist, however, he came dandering in past the hallan wa' ere I wist, and took a seat, and after we had cracked hither and yout about the clashes in the kintra side, he looked earnestly in the fire for a guid while, and then turned the tail o' his e'e to me, and catch't mine just as I was turnin't awa, and took me by the hand again, firmer maybe, than the first time, and said, loud enough for me to hear, " This ban's mine, THE WONDER RESOLVED. 79 and whan am I to see't at its ain shouther V I never said a word, for I was perfectly o'ercome baitli times — no a word would he hear, but that I maun be his gin Lammas, and a' that I could say or do would he be pitten aff ; sae I just said to mysel', what maun be maun be, and, sin' it is the will o' Providence, I maun e'en submit ; so ye see, Janet, I didna dock mysel' up like some o' my neighbours, and gang to the market for a man ; if he hadna come to me, and in the o'er- coming way that he did it too, I'll assure you John's shoon wad ne'er hae been warmed by ither feet than his ain." " Weel," said the Job-comforter, Janet, " ye wasna ill to catch, Leezie ; woman, he's no a buirdly man like what John was, a poor shirpit-looking thing — a' corners, like a pockfu' o' tups' horns ; the legs o' him, losh me ! nae better shapet than hurl-barrow trams. I canna say ye locket lang, Leezie, but I'll say this, ye liftet but little." " Now, Janet, sin' I'm oblig't to say't, ye hae an ill-scrappit tongue in your head, and it ill becomes you, my certie, to speak to me in that way — I tell't you, simple woman that I was, a' the outs And ins o' our courtship ; speak as ye like o' mysel', but meddle na wi' my man; but since ye hae set my birse up, I'll just gie ye bite for scart, — ye say that it wasna lang ere I got the bord about my mutch snodded — it was nae fau't o' yours, or the world lies, that ye didna get yours taen awa sooner than it was — an awfu' looking fikup it was, boilled round wi' crape, sticking out afore ye an ell and a half — a body would hae thought when they were looking into your face, that they were glowering up an ill-lighted close ; the lads aboofc the doors, Jenny, used to say, ' you would hear that Jenny is in the pitifu' market again, do ye ken whether she's hingin' out yon signals o' distress for the guidman that she has lost, or that there's nae likeli- hood o' her getting anither t ' Your ain man, waesucks, is nae great pennyworth ; the skin o' him as din as a withered dockan ; ye speak o' ill-shapit shanks ! ' Be na a baker if your head be made o' butter ! ' your buirdly man can-ies his carcase about on legs liker twa German flutes than the limbs o' a human being ; ye surely dinna depend on yon twa pirn-sticks can-ying you to your grave ! Jenny, the folks say that the death o' your first man made sic a hole in your heart, that the second ane slippit easily through ; dee whan ye like, ye '11 dee in the band (married to some one), like M'Gibbon's calf." " Oh fie ! Leezie, I didna mean to teaze you ; woman, that's an awfu' spate o' ill nature, I didna think you could hae said sae muckle to me,'' '* Weel weel, Janet, I'm in a bleeze in a moment like a tap o' tow, but it's just as soon out again ; if I hae said ony thing o'er fast, just throw't beside the besom ahint the hallan-door. Noo, sin' we are by ourselves we may just speak our minds — a man's an usefu' body about a house, and as neither you nor me hae gotten very 'sponsible looking men, we maun mind that it ill suits a beggar to bock at his bedfellow : and mail', Janet, he's surely a puir man that's no better than nae man ava." R. 80 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. The Highland Drill, or the McDonalds' Muster- Roll. By the wise and energetic councils of the great Chatham, the penalties and restrictions imposed upon the Highlanders for their accession to the rebellion in 1745, were withdrawn, and that brave and hardy race of men were again restored to the confidence and favour of the government. This just and politic measure was followed by a general desire on the part of the clans to display their gratitude and loyalty, by offering their services to the ministry, at a time wlteji the country was considerably embarrassed by the defection of her colonies, and the combined hostility of her continental enemies. Under these circumstances, the offers from the Highlands were readily accepted, and numerous clan regiments were forthwith embodied, many of whom were mustered and disciplined in the various borough-towns which happened to have ground adapted for the purpose. Among these, none had more ample accommodation than our own good city : and in consequence, the Highland muster-roll and drill were perha})S oftener heard on our Green than on any other spot in Brituin. These, from the strongly marked peculiarities of the Highland character, afforded great amusement to such of our citizens as left their bed betimes to go in quest of herb ale, air, and exercise, for tL(' good of their health ; and to the recollection of one of these oM worthies we are indebted for the following notandum of the muster- roll of a company of the regiment of the clan Ronald, among whom the patronymic of Donald M'Donald was so numerous, that the drill- sergeant was obliged either to apply notation to distinguish the Donalds, or those soubriquets by which they were known in their native glens ; and as the latter mode came more natural to the men as well as to their " master of drill," who was also from the " country of the clan Ronald," it was generally adopted, The running com- mentary of the sergeant, however, was generally the most amusing part of the duties of the morning, particularly to the spectators, as it often showed, in a very ludicrous point of view, the feelings of favour or dislike which the man of the sash and halbert entertained towards the individuals under his control ; and to this we shall chiefly confine ourselves in the following brief illustration of Celtic discipline : — Sergeant (bawling at the top of his voice), " Donald M'Donald, Mhor ? * — (no answer, the man being absent) — I see you're there, so you're right not to speak to nobody in the ranks. Donald M'Donald, Iihua?"i "Here." "Ay, you're always here when nobody wants you. Donald M'Donald Fad? I — (no answei^) — oh decent, modest lad, you're always here, though like a good sodger, as you are, you seldom say nothing about it. Donald M'Donald, Cluasan Mhor ? § — (no answer) — I hear you ; but you might speak a little louder for all that. Donald M'Donald, Ordag ? " \\ " Here." " If you're here this morning, it's no likely you'll be here to-morrow morning, I'll shust •Big or great. + Red haired. J Long. § Big ears. II Applied to a man having an extra thumb. THE LAIRD AND HIS FOOTMAN. 8i mark you down absent ; so let that stand for that. Donald M'Donald, Casan Mhor?" * " Here." " Oh damorst ! you said that yesterday, but wha saw't you — you're always here if we take your own word for it. Donald M'Donald, Cam beul?" f *- better o't. See yoursel' gin there's ony mae that's likely to fash him soon." John winced and said, " he had eneuch for ae day." " Toot, man, hand your tongue ; just let your mouth be made right when the doctor is at it at ony rate." Another faulty tooth was discovered on inspection, and as speedily taken out. " You're nearly perfited in your trade, doctor ; and I'm sure if our John had been in ony ither body's hands he never could ha'e stood it, but ye see he scarcely ever says pew til't. When he and I ha'e come a' this length — and it's hard to say gin he would fa' into such easy hands again — look; doctor, gin they're a' sound that ye ha'e left." John could stand no longer, and took to his heels. " What ha'e we to pay, then, doctor 1 " " Two-and- sixpence." "Twa-and-saxpence ! you're surely mista'en; they wer'na ta'en out at different times, but at ance. No, no, ye maunna come ii6 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, o'er U8 that way — there's augh teen-pence ; it's easy won siller atweel. Tlie guderaan, ye see, has ta'en leg-bail, but I'll gar him come back when he has twa-three mae ready." A Hint to Masters. Thb late Mr. Donn, whose name was long considered an excellent passport for the quality of pencils, was, during his periodical visits to Glasgow, in the habit of putting up at the Black Boy Tavern, Gallow- gate, where a sectarian barber used to officiate. One Sabbath morning, a young man made his appearance to do the needful for the chins of the customers ; and Mr. Donn, whose muzzle being rough and some- what irritable, felt reluctant to entrust it to the hands of so young a practitioner, in case he should take a portion of the soil with the crop, asked why the old gentleman did not come himself. " Oh," said the youngster, with a serious face, " this is Sabbath morning, and my master never shaves on Sabbath, sir," "Very well, my little fellow,'' said the maker of pencils, "go on." The operation being performed as well as could be expected — "Now," said Mr. Donn, putting the accustomed fee into his hand, " when you go home, be sure and make my compliments to your master, and tell him that if he does not wish to go to h — himself, he ought not to send his boy there." A Left-Handed Compliment. " I OWB you one," said a withered old Ccelebs to a lady the other night at a party. " For what 1 " said she. " Why, for calling me a young gentleman." "If I did so," was the rather ill-natured reply, ** I beg you wiU not regard it as a compliment, for, believe me, though an old man, you may still be but a young gentleman." Dunning in the Highlands. A COMMERCIAL traveller engaged in collecting debts in the High- lands, once called in the course of his visitations on a tardy old Celt, who promised to settle with him at a certain hour on the following morning. Knowing a little of his customer, the " man of the road,'' thought it would be as well to be rather before than after the time appointed. For this pui-pose, he was making his way, but had not proceeded far, when to his surprise he meets Donald mounted on his little horse, with a creel on each side of him. " Well, Mr. Mac , where are you going ?" " I'm just going to the potatoes." * " And when will you be back?" demanded the hungiy expectant of cash. "Oh, as for that, I'll perhaps be back at night, if I am spared.'' " But did you not promise to settle my account 1 and I ha%e to go away in less than an hour." " Oh yes, to be sure I did," said Donald with gi-eat coolness, " but as the day looked fine, I thought it would put more in my pocket to be at the potato^, than to be settling any body's account." •Going to dig potatoes. THE ASTONISHED FIDDLER. n/ The Astonished Fiddler. At a harmonious little party, lately given in Bute by Mr. B h, the enterprising farmer, there was one of the sons of Orpheus, vulgarly yclept a blind fiddler, who, nevertheless, discoursed most " eloquent music," and exercised so powerful a sway over the dancing energies of all present for the time, that to a mere on-looker the people must have ai)peared little short of crazed. Much has been said of the effect of music with the ancients, and of the power of Orpheus even to make stones dance, while the famous fiddler of Rhodes professed openly to make " merry men still merrier, a lover more enamoured, and a religious man more devout," But nothing certainly in modern times can be said to have eclipsed the powers of the fiddler of Mr. B h, on the happy occasion referred to : • ' He made those dance well Who never danced before, And those who always dance To dance still more and more." He proved, in short, that in his particular bow there was no small portion of the virtue which is usually ascribed to the eUxir vitse, and which is said all at once to make the feeble strong, and transform tottering old age into nimble youth. Nobody seemed to be more affected with the hilarity of the moment than our good old host him- self; he jumped, capered, danced, and sung by turns; then running up to the fiddler, and taking him in his arms in an ecstacy of delight, — " My dear little fellow," exclaimed he, " how delightfully you play ! But tell me, do you play by the ear, or how 1 " " Year ! " responded the astonished scraper of cat-gut, with an arch grin, " faith, you vnid ha'e a bellyfu' o't then. Na, na, sii', I only play by the nicht ! " Making the most of a Customer. A WELL-KNOWN grocer in Auld Reekie was in the habit of exposing his hams, polished with butter on the outside of his door, with sheets of white paper between them and the wall, and written thereon Belfast Hams, and when taking them in one evening, laid one upon a chair with the paper buttered to it uppermost. Shortly after a stout lady came into the shop, and sat down on the top of the paper, and when she had made her purchases, left, carrying along with her gown, below the waist, the sheet of paper, labelled, " Belfast Hams." Highland Cure for Rheumatism. " Dear me, Shamis, * but you are very pad, indeed," said a sym- pathising Highlander to a triend who was confined by a severe attack of sciatica ; "so long a time, I'm sure mony day and night you are weary, with sore bone and thocht for yourself and family ; is there nothing will did you good at all 1 " •' Och no, nothing, and I'll took •James. ii8 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, every medicine that the Doctor told me to use, and it's all as you'll saw, nothing for my good." " Well, that's a great vexation and grief — deed is't, Shamis ; — I think that I could did you goot, but I needna spoke, for you'll not took it, deed no, so it is of no use to talk." *' You need not spoken that, did I'll not take everything already f and it's may be no likely, is it 1 that I'll teuck no more that will make me petter." "I would tell you in a moment, if I just would believe myself, that you would take it, would you 1 " " If you are going to make a fun of me, it is all you appear to me to do ; — and it is not a friend's part, as you are, to did it." "Well, then, I think you will take it." " I think so too," replied the invalid, " but I must know what is't I'm to take pefore I'll teuck it." " Shamis then, go away, and take hold of the back end of the Paisley coach, and run all the way, and mind to keep up with it, else it will not do, to the Half-way to Paisley House ; and depend on'fc, Shamis, whan you do this, you'll never have a stiff body in any of your joints, though you live to the age of Craigangilloch, peside our selves." Singular Expression of Sympathy. A LADY went a considerable distance to visit an intimate friend who had been taken suddenly and seriously ill ; the alarming symptoms had, however, subsided before the humane visitor arrived. " Oh ! my dear Mrs. C, how are ye ? " she inquired in breathless anxiety. " Ou, I'm quite weel noo," " Weel ! said ye, an' me come sae far to see you." Breaking up a Dinner-Party. A PARTY of gentlemen once dined with a person who had a bleach- ing-green a few miles from Glasgow. The night was wet both within and without doors ; and about two in the morning, when a proposal was made to break up, the host got a large covered cart, usually employed in carrying cloth to and from Glasgow, into which the guests gladly consented to go, for want of anything better, in order to be conveyed to their quarters. On driving up to the Cross with this strange load, the servant, a very whimsical old fellow, stopped, and coming round to the door, which was behind, inquired to what point he was now to proceed. The few who could speak bawled out their res])ective lodgings — some in one part of the city, some in another, while others could only utter such sounds as showed how unable they were to take care of themselves. Quite perplexed by the contra- dictory orders he received, and altogether hopeless of being able to see the whole safely housed, the man, to use a popular saying, resolved to let the tow go with the bucket, and going to the other end of the cart, deliberately upset the whole into the street, as if they had been nothing better than a parcel of old sacks, remarking — " My braw sparks, gin your tongues hing sae loosely in your heads, as no to b& able to say whaur your hames ai-e — though its maybe mair frae punch. than pride — just try if your feet will find them." A DAFT BARGAIN. 119 A Daft Bargain. About the middle of the eighteenth century, a natural, named Daft Jamie, lived in the neighbourhood of Denholm in Roxburgh- shire, and was occasionally employed by the Laird of Cavers and his brother Captain Douglas, who resided at Midshields, to transport them on his back across the water, which flowed between their places of abode. One day Captain Douglas, resolved to have a little fun at the expense of his brother, bribed Jamie with a shilling to let the Laird down in the middle of the water. Accordingly, having taken Cavers on his back and proceeded with him to the middle of the stream, ** Oh ! Laird," exclaimed Jamie, standing stock-still, •*' my kuit's yeuky." "Well, well, never mind that." "Ay, bub I maun mind it;" and, notwithstanding orders, entreaties, and threat.s, Jamie plumped the Laird down into the water, to the infinite amuse- ment of the Captain, who stood laughing on the bank like to split his sides. Jamie soon i-eturned for the Captain, who, thinking of no other trick than his own, immedw.tely mounted, and was carried into the stream. At exactly the same spot Jamie again stood still. " Noo, Captain," said he, " an' ye dinna gie me twa shillings mair, I'll let you doon, too ! " It is needless to say that Captain Douglas had to buy himself off from the threatened immersion, besides suffer- ing the retributive ridicule of his brother. Paisley Geography. " Can ye lend me five pounds," said a denizen of St. Mirrens' to au acquaintance. " Five pounds ! " exclaimed the other, "if I had five pounds I would neither be here nor ony ither place." " Whaur then would you heV said the other. "Man, I would be down at Arranthru' (Renfrew) wi' the wife eatin' caller salmon." Cheap ^Af^ay of Paying Fare. A WELL-KNOWN individual in the west of Scotland, named Jock, occasionally came from Airth with the great canal passage boat, and generally managed to escape passage free. A gentleman who knew he had not paid any thing one day accosted him, " Weel, Jock, did you pay your fare to-day ? " " Deed, sir," said Jock, " I looked roun' me, an' I saw this ane payin' an' that ane payin', and I just thocht it was surely needless for every body to be payin'." Clerical Water Brash. *♦ Thomas," said the minister at the ringing of the church bell, **rm very sick, I wish I may be able to preach this afternoon." " I'm wae for you," replied his man. After sermon — " Thomas," said he, "get me some dinner, I'm a great deal better noo." "Nae wonder," quo' Thomas, " whan ye've gotten a' yon blash 0' cauld kail het again afi* your stomach." 120 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. A Family Debt. It too frequently happens that young men who board with their parents fall behind with their board wages, and compound with their mothers to the no small injury of the family stock. As an illustra- tion of this, the following dialogue took place between a young man and his mother : — " Noo, Willie, thou kens brawly that since the last time that thee an' me counted tu's awn me fifteen shillings, an' I'm needing't the noo, to mak up the price o' the cow." Willie, who knew his mother's weak side — and what young man does not 1 — replied, " Deed, mither, ye're gaun to wrang yoursel', for I'm awn you augh- teen ; " so saying, he slid quietly out of the apartment. "Is na he really an honest callan, our Willie," quo' the indulgent mother, "though he disna pay, he aye counts fair." The Bite and the Blow. " Hech sirs," said an old woman to her neighbour, "did ye hear thae sad news this morning about Jenny Flytter's guidman 1" "No, I didna hear a whish ; what's come ower him noo 1 " " Dear me, the hale town's ringin' wi't, woman ; he was lying dead aside her in the bed this morning when she wakened." " Oh, poor body, what a wakening ! and her no to hae her breakfast aithers." " Her break- fast, ye haveral, what guid could that hae done her ? " " Ay, she would hae been able to stand it a' that the better." Bills 0x1 Demand. LoGAK always kept a plain but most hospitable table : whatever some of the gormands might think of the solids, no one ever needed to complain of the fluid department, either in quantity or quality. The Laird's poultry were always tender and well fed — the house- keeper's instructions being, not to leave them to the ordinary chances of the barn-yard, but to give daily rations from the kitchen. One day, the hour of feeding had been delayed beyond the usual time, and when the housekeeper appeared with the supplies, such a clamorous outcxy arose among the horny beaks, as brought the Laird from the parlour to see what was the matter. When it was explained to him, "Ay, ay," he remarked, shrugging up his shoulders, as if a painful reminiscence had come across his mind, " there canna be meikle peace about a house where there are so many bills presented at the door in the morning." Cloth Measure. The abandonment of the charges against the late Queen Caroline by her prosecutors, occasioned great joy over the whole country, and in almost every town of any standing the inhabitants generally illuminated. Old Kenneth Fraser, draper in Inverness, rejoiced at the blaze of exultation, and remarked to a friend on the extent of the lights : — " Dear me," said he, " Sharlie, I am sure five-fourths of the whole HEADS OR TAILS? 121 town is in a light this very night." " Where," replied his friend, " did you take lessons in arithmetic, Kenneth ? — man, five-fourths is more, is it not, than the whole 1" " Och, Sharlie, my lad, I didna need to come to you ; I have seen too many snaw day, not to knew what I'll say ; have I not 1 — you powder and smoke, and nothing more, got cloth in my own shop, six quarters, and that is more, eh ? " Heads or Tails ? An old lady in the guid town of Kilmarnock, went with a party to see the wonders of animated nature in Wombwell's Menagerie, and passed round the area with her friends in almost mute astonishment, at the variety of the tenantry of air and earth, so different from what she had been accustomed to see. The keeper announced that the party must leave the exhibition, as the hour of feeding was arrived, or those who remained must pay the additional charge. The hint was taken by all, but the wonder-struck matron, who turned back again to the elephant's stall, and seemed determined to have a more thorough inspection of this four-footed locomotive. " Dear me," said one to her, "are ye gaun to stay a' night, Mrs. V " No, I'm no gaun to stay a' night, but I hae been waiting to see his head, for though he's aye lifting his feet and jee-jeeing frae side to side, he has na turned round his head to me this hale nicht." Not in Haste. A CLERGYMAX in the north, very homely in his address, chose for his text a passage in the Psalms, " I said in my haste, all men are liars." " Aye," premised his reverence by way of introduction, "Ye said it in youi- haste, David, did ye 1 — gin ye had been here, ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man." A Crap for a' Corns. At a late election dinner in the county of Bute, an old wet and dry voter was observed to make good use of knife and fork ; and as the solids were more easily passed when the thoroughfare was lubiicated, he made free with every stimulating liquid that came in his way. A wag kept his eye on him, and resolved to have him corked as soon as convenient. "Be happy to have wine with you." "The same way too Avith you, sir ; but I would be all the better that I knew who was't that ask me." Another took the hint. "No dryness between us, Duncan, surely?" " No, surely, whar there's so much wat, your healths my lat, it's a praw day this, out an' in ; yes ist." " It is not every day we meet, Duncan," said another, "join me in a glass of wine." " Ah, my poy, glat to saw you here, an' every pody else that's not here to-day." " But what wine do you take 1 " " Did you'll ask what wine I'll take 1 shust what I'll got, all sort— nothing pefore us, but to be eat an' drunk, never refuse nothing ; diuna dry your feet because it will wat the bums; here's to you all three, both and more 122 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, nor all the times yet, before I'll not take nothing, come awa, all that's more of you, you'll found me as ill to drink as to water, ony day. It's a good thing, my mother wad say, to have your kail out whau it rains cog.'' Striking Likeness. A GENTLEMAN who had acquired a competency in the pursuit of commerce, resolved to leave its harassing turmoils, its " accidents by flood and field," and betake himself to the peaceful occupation of a tiller of the soil, and rearer of cattle, and bought a farm in Islay. Before leaving Glasgow, he had his portrait taken by a skilful ai'tiat, ■which he hung up in his parlour. A Highland servant girl, who had never seen any canvas semblance of the human face divine, attending her duties, was cleaning out the parlour on the morning after the picture had been hung up, and purposely kept ignorant, that the value as a portrait might be tested ; while turning about in the process of sweeping, she observed her master in gilt embroidery, looking, as she thought, sternly at her. She remained motionless a minute, and observing no change on the rigid features of the object which seemed to observe her motions, she took to her heels, and ran up stairs, calling to the ploughman, " Donald, Donald, come awa down in a moment, and see my maister looking through the wa'." A Poor Customer. Two fellow passengers in one of the Paisley canal boats, were over- heard in deep converse on the politics of the day, and each suggesting in his turn the remedies which should be employed to rectify the errors, that, they supposed, Pitt and his successors had committed in the administration of the affairs of Great Britain. From politics to religion, a subject with which neither of the parties seemed well acquainted. " Ye'll belang to the Kirk of Scotland, I'se warrant 1 " " Na, na, I do not, my forefathers cam' out o' her, and I dinna think it worth my while to gae back, till they tak' aff their shouthers the bit remnant o' the scarlet rag : I belang to the Auld Licht folks, and we hae been lying open to licht for a lang time noo ; I kenna, I'm sure, when we're to see ony thing new. Ye' re an Anti- burgher, I believe ? " " Na," replied the other, " I ance was ane, but onything I do noo in that way is wi' the Eelief bodies." Notice to Quit. During a sanguinary action in the late Peninsular war, an Irish surgeon was busily engaged in his vocation in the rear of his regiment, binding up the wounds of a poor soldier, who had received a severe sabre cut on the head. A sulphurous bolt from the enemy, killed his assistant in the act of holding up the wounded man : " "Troth," says the Irish Esculapian, " I'd better be off, there's more where that came from." MOTHER TONGUE. 123 Mother Tongue. Mr. Carmichael, the celebrated ventriloquist, went, while, on a pleasure excursion in Rothesay, with an acquaintance to see a distillery 811 imposed to be haunted, or, as our English readers may require, tenanted by the spirit of some deceased person, who had come b}^ a violent death. The fireman, Jolm M'Lean, was a fii-m believer in the common report, although personally he never had any evidence, visual or vocal. While he was busy feeding the furnace, Mr. 0. put his muttering and peeping qualifications into requisition, and called out, as from the very centre of the furnace, in a most lachrymose tone, " John M'Lean ! ! John M'Lean ! ! ! " The fireman, in perfect terror, fled backwards and remained speechless, Mr. C. all the while looking, if possible, more terror-stricken than the person addressed. John M'Lean ! ! was uttered again in a most heart^touching tone, when the fireman, somewhat melted by the plaintive tone, queried, " Bheil Gaelic agad 1 " * A Highland Servant and Sand-glass. A Highland house servant in the employment of the Rev. Mr. Ellis, of Saltcoats, was instructed by her mistress to have the minister's breakfast ready by a certain hour. One or more eggs is indispensable on ministers' tables by way of breaking up the fast ; they serve as a tolerably substantial idea for the stomach — which abhors a vacuum, as much as nature does — to meditate on till the Kucceeding meal, and if the minister be going to Presbytery also provide for a sederunt ; the amount of business to be done being no criterion for the time that they shall sit, it is often longest when they have least to do. Pardon this digression ; we are fond of practical remarks. Mr. Ellis got rather impatient at the delay, and sent to inquire what was the occasion : when the mistress came into the kitchen, the servant was shaking the sand-glass over the egg pan. "What's come owre you that ye have not brought the eggs ben?" Replied the servant, " Och, you see, Mem, the first egg was all broke out o' smash in my hand, as I was just at the door going ben, and I'll put more on, and that sand will not go a moment of rin faster whan he'll shake nor whan he'll stand." Hawkie's Politics. " I AM neither," said oiir public lecturer, " a Tory nor a Radical ; I like middle courses — gang ayont that, either up or doun, it disna matter — it's a wreck ony way ye tak it." Hawkie's Pledge. Hawkie improvising to the mob on the inebriety of tradesmen's wives, took an example from the class, using the argumentum ad homin&in. " Ye a'," said he, " ken Betty Buttersoles, in the Auld * Have you ? or. Do you speak Gaelic ♦ 124 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Wynd o' this toun (Glasgow) ; she has a trick, common in mae •wynds than our Auld ane, I can tell ye, an' that is, o' turning up the edge o' her hand, some say little finger — but I think ye canna weel do the ane without doing the ither — and the guidman canna trust her to buy e'en a salt herring for the dinner, and gars her keep a pass- book, in which the shopkeeper marks down everything." Here a hooded female interfered, understanding Hawkie as really libelling a know^n individual, " How daur ye, ye rickle o' banes and rags, misca' ony decent woman that gaet ; gin I had my will, I wid gi'e ye anither shank to prop up." " Do you hear her ? now that's just an evil conscience speaking out," retorted the wit ; •' I dinna ken the individual I'm telling ye about — for I never saw her ; but I'm as sure as the cow is o' her cloots, that that's hersel', and I'll pledge my stilt that ye'll find the passbook in her pouch." A Shot on the Wing. The late David Erskine, Esq., of Oardross, Perthshire, had an old favourite gamekeeper, who could handle a long bow as well as a fowling piece, and often Munchausened on the favours that the Laird had bestowed on him. He was employed one day in binding behind the reapers, and was, as usual, panegyrising his benefactor, the Laird, who, he said, had equipped him in a splendid suit of black clothes from top to toe. Mr. E. happened to be passing on the outside of the fence which sci'eened him from the observation of the gamekeeper, and ovei'hearing the eulogium on himself for favours which he had not bestowed, challenged the report, " Ah ! John, what story is that you are telling 1 " *' Verra weel," replied the steady shot, *' if ye hinna dun't, ye should do't." Paisley Observatory. Every person in the west of Scotland must know, that Paisley and Glasgow stand on the same flat or table of land above the level of the sea, and consequently the field of vision, as far as the phenomena of the heavenly bodies are concerned, is as fully and satisfactorily observed at the shipping port of the Cart as at that of the Clyde Then how did it happen that the Paisley astronomers came into Glasgow, to see the late annular eclipse 1 SCRAPS OF SCOTTISH CHARACTER. Duncan Dhu. "Who has not heard of him 1 — the simple, honest, warm-hearted individual, who forms the subject of our story, and who erewhile kept a comfortable change-house in the High Street of Glasgow ? Reader, if thou hast not heard of Duncan, we shall tell thee a little story concerning him, at once illustrative of his simplicity and goodness of heart. Often we had heard of Duncan, and wishing very much to b« made acquainted with him, we requested a friend to introduce u& "THE MUCKLE" MAN. 125 We accordingly called one evening, and luckily found him at home, and, after partaking of his good Highland cheer, we found him to be very communicative, and withal very desirous to please, without wishing to engross more than his own share of the conversation. At last, our friend said, " Come, Duncan, this gentleman never heard you tell the story about yourself and Mrs. M'Farlane — the Stockamuir aiTair you know — will you be kind enough to relate it to him ? for though I have heard it before, I have almost forgot it." " Indeed 1 will tid that," said Duncan, " an' it's as true a storee as ever man will made." We will try to give it as nearly as we can in his own words. " Aweel, shentlemens, you will opserve, ta storee was shust this . There was maype twenty, or a scoi'e o' us, I tinna mind which, coming through a Stockamuir ae moonlicht nicht, an' ilka ane o' us was carrying hame a wee trappie in a quiet way, you will opserve, an' we wanted tamoon to gang till him'sped before we willcome into Glashgow; for you will see, shentlemens, although we will tid things in a quiet way ourselves, we micht maype meet wi' some will no be quiet wi* us — you will understand what will I mean, shentlemens 1 Weel, you'll see, as I was told you, we were coming through ta Stockamuir, an' Mrs. M'Far- lane, puir body (I'm sure you'll ken Mrs. M'Farlane, as tecent a woman as in a' ta Priggate), weel, she teucks very ill, ay, very ill, in- deed ; and some will say one thing an' some will say anither thing, but Mrs. M'Farlane was not able to get on at a' ; so they will all went away an' leave Mrs. M'Farlane to tid ta pest she could, an' no- pody was left wi' Mrs. M'Farlane but shust mysel. Now, shentle- mens, was not this a great shame an' a sin poth to leave any Christian creature so ? yes, I will say it was great shame inteed. So you will opserve, when I will saw that, my very heart will pled for ta poor woman, an' what you'll thocht I will did wi' her 1 I will shust tak her 'pon my ain pack an' will carry her a' ta way for twa lang miles, till I will prought her till a house 'pon ta road, an' there I will get her coot lodgings an' kind 'tendance till she will cot petter, inteed I tid, shentlemens." "But, Duncan," said our friend, "what did you do with the poor woman's whisky ? you would have to carry it too, I 8up|X)se." " Inteed," said Duncan, " I tid not carry one drop o' ta whisky, ta whisky was tie on her own pack, and when 1 carry hersel I shust thocht I carry plenty." A. R. "The Muckle" Man. The gradations of rank, and the duties and exemptions from the performance of certain services, are not, perhaps, more strictly ob- served amongst any class than they are amongst the servants in the employment of our Scottish farmei's. There is the " muckle man " and the " little man " — or " hauflin callan," and the herd-boy — the deck-scrubber of the whole establish- ment, to whom the fag-end of every dirty job generally falls. The muckle man bears himself with great dignity and importance towards those of lower standing than himself, and generally enforces 126 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. his commands in a very masterlike manner ; it is well indeed if he considers that " aff hands is fair play." His costume — broad-brimmed woollen bonnet, broad-ridged corduroy jacket, and breeches of the same fabric, open at the knees, with garters of red tape inch-and-half deep, knowingly knit, and a goodly portion of the two ends left loose to float as knee-streamers in the breeze. Charles Paterson of Waterhaughs, in the county of Renfrew, had, as muckle man, George Murdoch, one of the class we have been describing, who, though an excellent servant, was more master than man, and often comported himself in a most unseemly manner towards his employer. Murdoch had more than an ordinary share of mother- wit ; was out- spoken J and, like all such, not very particular in the selection of his language; out it came helter-skelter, wound whom it might. Mrs. Paterson was superior to her husband in discrimination of character, and it was by her advice that George was retained in the service. Though a woman of superior intellect, she had neither beauty of face nor form to recommend her ; she was fearfully dis- figured by the confluent smallpox, that dire scourge of the sex, in par- ticular ; moreover, by a nose of greater longitude than ordinary. By-and-by, it pleased Providence to remove by death the tenant of Waterhaughs ; and ere a short twelvemonth had passed away, the sluices of grief that had been forced open on the demise of Charles Paterson had fairly drained the lachrymal ducts of his disconsolate widow, and Geordie "sat in Charlie's chair." Everything for a time at Waterhaughs, under the new regime, was honey and sweetness ; but the light that had streamed on the hymeneal altar waxed fainter and fainter, till the wife at last was comparatively neglected. One day the new lessee of Waterhaughs had scrubbed himself up for the purpose of attending the market at Paisley, when Mrs. Murdoch asked him to order the servant to put one of the horses into a cart, as she thought of accompanying him. " And what are ye gaun there for 1" " Just because I think the weans and me wad be a' the better o' a bit hurl that length." " Na, na," said Geordie, with a husband's politeness, " I forbid the sport ; ye may send the weans gin ye like, but as for yoursel, ye may do weel aneuch about oor ain doors, but you'll no do to gang out amang strangers wi'." R. The Tailor. When the knights of the thimble give us a toast " cabbage and kail," it is considered among them almost as comprehensive in its meaning as " all we wish and all we want ; " or, in real snip slang, " meat and claes, no forgetting the blankets." In the rural districts of Scotland this useful, though often trouble- some, fraternity follow their calling from house to house, instead of having a house of call, like the more fashionable portion of the pro- fession in populous cities, and the makings and mendings are usually egun turn is half ended/ the proverb says ; and now cawk out your course o' life with great care, and every day clip as ye hae cawket — there's a' sorts o' shapes in the mouth o' the shears, so see that ye tak*^ aye the best pattern — that's my general advice, when ony thing particular occurs — as lang as ye are under my care, you'll get my iidvice for the asking. My next advice pertains to your ain personal comforts. There is an article of indispensable use, baith to man and beast, whilk I ca' rib lining, and which should neither be scrimpit in quantity, or loosely baiss't on — there's nae padding sae usefu' as the kind that sets out the pouch-lids; it, moreover, gars the haunch buttons sit fair ; I ne'er saw muckle outcome o' your hungiy-haunch fo'k ; they're no worth their seat — they hinna pith aneuch to pit i' the thumle. Whan we are a' thegither out through the kintra, at my customers' houses, we hae just to see to oui'sels the best way we can. " At breakfast-time, gin your parritch can be drunk as easily as suppit — mony a time I hae seen that a cogfu' o' them could hae run a mile on a fir deal, only guid for trying the heat o' the goose wi', however, let me stick to my seam — mak' your breakfast o' them ; otherwise, if there should be, and ye may think this out o' reason, mair meal than water, leave some elbow-room in your crib — you'll in a' likelihood get bread and cheese after them, and when you're helping yoursel, tak mair cheese than bread at the first ; it's easier to eke the ane than the ither — you'll may be no see the kebbuck a second time. At dinner again, tak aye plenty o' kail, they'i-e sure to be there ; for, gin they be guid, they're aye worth the supping ; and, tak my experi- ence, if they shouldna be guid, depend on't there's no muckle coming after them. And, thirdly and lastly, in regard to supper-time, I hae little to say — there's no muckle to come and gang on — ^just potatoes and milk ; ye canna do better than just to tak plenty o' milk to your potatoes, and plenty o' potatoes to your milk." A Northern Socrates. It was the fate of honest Andrew M'Wharrie, of Whistlebare, in the barony of Bucklyvie, to be connected in marriage with one of those viragos who turn out to be anything but answering the de- description of " helpmeets." Girzie Glunch, the maiden name of Mrs. M'Wharrie, was of an excessively irritable temperament — " the verra turning o' a strae," said Andrew, " is aneuch to set her up in a bleeze like a tap o' tow." When in her barleyhoods, she was apt to enforce her commands with uphand emphasis, and Andrew came in for a due share of this practical elocution, and proved himself as quiet and Bubmissive a disciple as ever fell under a " continual dropping," since the days of the man of Uz. One morning Andrew came home to his breakfast at the usual time, expecting to find his " cog and soup " set out awaiting him, but such was not the case ; the materials had not got fairly a-boil, and Andrew SON AND FATHER. 129 doffed his Carapsie grey broad brim, and sat him quietly down, to exercise a little more of his cardinal virtue, patience. After waiting a considerable time, while the process of boiling and stirring was going on, Andrew remarked that " ho thocht the parritch might be dished now, and that they were surely weel aneugh boiled." " Just rest you there ; " said Girzie, " there's nae corn shaking at this time o' the year." The man of Wliistlebare saw in his Xantippe's gathered brow and pursing features, a design, as be thought, to provoke a similar ebullition in his temper to that of the contents of the pot, and quietly gave way. Again Andrew observed, he " feared the parritch couldna be ready in time for him this morning," and moved, as if to go away. " Sit still there ; I'll no dish them for your pleasure, or ony ither body's, though they should boil till they micht be made thum' raips o' ; sit down, ye hungry haveral that ye are ; I'll gar ye chauner there, ye pickthank, guid-for-naething sumph : " and, ere Andrew wist, the spurtle rebounded from his haffet, leaving a goodly streak along the cheek backward of the material preparing for breakfast. " Hoots, woman, I would rather tak' the ' spurtle grip ' mysel, than see you atflickit wi't ; dear me, Girzie, I wadna hae believed, gif I hadna seen't, that the spurtle could ha'e lifted up sae muckle ! We should let naething be lost, ye ken," continued Andrew, scraping his temples, and tasting the quality ; "I think they may do for the boiling part, but ha'e they no a thocht ower muckle saut in them, Girz 1 " Son and 'Father. Simon Beverage lived at Bishop-Bridge, a little village midway between Glasgow and Kirkintilloch, and belonged to that hapless class of operatives, the handloom weavers. The partner that Simon had selected for a companion through life, was fretful, discontented, and peevish; and, as her husband said, "her tongue never lay frae niornin' till night; aye tarrow, tarrowing, its a perfect insult to Providence the way she gaes on ; I often wonder that some fearfu' thing disna happen to her : — it's ower true that there's a dub afore everybody's door, but I think there's a muir-burn aye afore mine." Simon, however, in all his troubles, domestic and otherwise, had great consolation in the sympathy that his son had with him. "Poor bairn," said Andrew to a neighbour, " I wad break down a' thegither, waur it no for him ; when he sees me down i' the mouth, he just looks up to me, you'll never hear his word, as muckle as to say, ' father, dinna vex yoursel, and break your heart about that mither o' mine.' " One day Mrs. Beverage's peculiarity of tempei*, exhibited itself in such a way, as almost upset all Simon's philosophy. " Aweel Jamie, what think ye o' your mither this morning 1 is she no a heavy handfu' for onybody to hae, let alane your puir father 1" " Is't no a pity, father," said Jamie, "that ye didna tak Jenny Trams, when ye had her in your offer? siccan a mither she would hae been?" 9 I30 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. " Ou ay, Jamie, but what mauD be, maun be, ye ken ; if it had beeu ordered otherwise than it is, it might hae been better." '* Weel, weel, father," said the sympathising Jamie, " sin' it is sae, we maun just jouk, and let the jawp gang by ; but really I think we hae happened ill on her." The Salter. No one who has sojourned for any considerable length of time at farm-house or cottage in Scotland, but must have seen the " Sauter," or Salt-cadger, as he is called in some districts. Previous to the reduction of the duty on salt, those who prosecuted the sale of it as an exclusive business, required to be possessed of considerable capital, and the Sauter was thus a man of some consequence. George Paterson, alias Geordie Wersh, had his home and salt store at Tullibody, and supplied with salt the disti-ict, having Falkirk as the farthest point eastward — an oblique line to Fintzy on the south — and bearing westward to Drymen, thence through Aberfoyle, Callander, on to Balquidder — and then made the best of his way home to renew his stock. Geordie was a hale, hearty, humorous, lighted-hearted sort of per- sonage — one, perhaps, of the best tempered men north of the Cheviot hills — a man, in fact, whom no provocation could irritate, or ribbald banter, laugh into pet. His countenance hard and weather-beaten, but full of expression, and, when excited, every feature glowed with animation, like the fused metal in the crucible. It was ploughed up by deeply traced lines ; but these furrows had not been drawn by the shrivelled finger of care, but by the frequent exercise of the muscles, which distinguish man in the class to which he belongs as possessed of risibility. He usually wore a broad-rimmed woUen bonnet of extraordinary circumference, which when it rained, he said, " coost the drap ower his shouther ; " his shirt-coUar unconfined lay over on his shoulders, school-boy fashion ; bis vest of green bearded plush open at the breast ; a coarse blue duffle-coat sadly curtailed of the usual proportions at the skirts and tails, it seemed cut after the fashion of those plenipotentiaries in Sacred Writ, who were shamefully entreated by the king of Ammon, and, in consequence, could not be admitted into the fashionable circles of the capital of Judea, but had to sojourn at Jericho for a time ; breeches of broad-striped corduroy, which, for any use that the wearer made of them, needed not to have had any lateral openings at the knees ; whinstone grey rig-and-fur stockings, fastened by red garters, that for breadth more resembled a saddle-girth than what is usually required for this purpose. The seasoner of food mixed a considerable portion of salt of the attic sort in his colloquial conversation, and no one excelled him in the nice application of Scottish proverbs j indeed, one would have thought that he had not only read the whole of Ramsay's Collection, but had made them thoroughly his own by mental digestion. His style of conversation, of coui-se, partook of his habits of thought — it THE SALTER. 131 was abbreviated, antithetic, and alliterative — in fact, when he spoke it appeared as if he improvised in proverb. The Sauter had resisted all impression from the softer sex, and was considered by them a con- firmed and incorrigible bachelor. This, however, did not prevent them from bantering him on the likelihood of his taking a help-meet for him. As our hero entered the threshold of the house he was to locate in for the night he accosted the mistress in his own peculiar way, as, '* Weel, gudewife, the nearer e'en the mae beggars. You're a' abune the blankets, I hope, meat hale, and workiiigsome ; " and the usual rejoinder by the mistress was a hearty welcome. " Come awa, Sauter, what's come ower ye, man 1 we thocht that surely some lass or ither liad run awa wi' you, or you wi' her — tuts, man, and you're here alane after a' ! The lasses there, Lizzie and Bell, will tell you whether I'm leeing or no, whan I say that it has been gaun through the hale kintra like a hand-bell that ye were just about to be married to Kirsty ; I'm sure I dinna mind her name e'en now, but she stays in a place ca'd the Rackets. O man, rather than see ye sair beat, I'll busk me, an' be your blackfit mysel." ** Na, na, luckie, an auld tod needs nae tutors ; lippen to lent ploughs, and your land will be lea ; but I would be mislear'd gif I didna say that I am obliged to you for the offer ; tak' my word on't it will he sic anither day as the windy Saturday that will blaw me to that quarter, Kirsty o' the Hackets ! — a hair- brained, hallica't hissey, as like to her fusbionless father as gin she had been twisted out 0' him wi' a thrawcrook." •/ Another of the females would now in all likelihood strike in and dare Geordie to skirmish. " There's anither lass, it seems, Geordie, that ye would fain be nib to, but you're feared, the folks say, to speak to her." " Ay, an' wha may she be, if I hae ony right to ask ye?" *' Nae ither, atweel, than Betty Hutherons o' Rugh Soles ; the neigh- bours thereabouts say that ye are casting a sheep's e'e at her frae 'neath the rim o' that girdle-like bonnet o' yours," " Oh, ay, Gilpie, I hear that ye hinna tin'd ony o' your teeth sin I was here — gin ony body speir at you about that matter, just say ye dinna ken ; and ye may add, that the Sauter said, anent the marriage wi' Betty, that he was ne'er sae scant o' grey claith as to sole his hose wi' dockans." " Eh man, Geordie, but ye hae little need o' the Carapsie wife's prayer, * That she micht aye be able to think aneuch o' hersel'!'" "They really say, though, Sauter, that you're fear'd to speak to her, and that eggs wadna be in danger fi'ae your feet whan you're gaun by her ; you'll ken yoursel' whether your heart gaes pittie-pattie whan she's passing to the kirk wi' yon fleegaries about her noddle ; I doubt your heart 'ill no keep; ye'll jiist hae to try a pickle o' your ain saut on't," " Hae ye gotten out your breath now, ye birkie 1 There's mony a dog has died sin' Geordie was a whalp, an' it's no an ordinary frost that will frichten him. Och hey ! and I'm no able to speak to Betty Rugh Soles ! — the piper surely wants muckle that wants the nether lip." " But, Sauter," would the mistress now break in, "joking 132 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, aside, what's come o' ye 1 we hinna had a lick o' saut this four days^ and you aye sae particular." " Here I'm now, at ony rate, and I wad rather hear ye crjring saut than sair banes. I hae nae doubt been a thocht later than usual, an' a' my customers hae been worrying at me like as many jowlers in the neck o' poor tod lowrie ; but I just gied them sic an answer as I hae gi'en to you. I stapped their mouth afore their tongue wist what it was saying ; keep your tongue within your teeth; ye girning gilpies, better sautless than sillerless ; and is't no better to hae a sairy sautfat than a geyzened girnal ? " Returning from his circuit, he one morning passed through the little village of Kilmahog, some two miles west of Callander. He went into the house — inn it could not be called — of Mrs. M'Alpine, who offered on her sign-board to give "entertainment for men and horses." "Gi'eme," said Geordie, "a bicker o' your best Sma'." One gulp, and the contents of the bicker disappeared. " I wadna be far out o' my reckoning gin I had anither fill o' your cog ; it's a wee weak i' the wauw, like Barr's cat, that ale o' yours." The second bicker dis- appeared as rapidly. " Weel, gudewife, it's a' ower now, as the wife said when she swallowed her tongue ; gin I had sent our Stirling Sma' as quickly down Craig's close as I hae done yours, it wad hae ta'en the bark wi't. Whar — you'll excuse me for speering — get ye your maut hereawa, Luckie 1 " " A' the way frae Stirling, atweel, and braw maut it is." " Oh 'deed is't, gin there was enought o't. You'll maybe no gang sae far for your water 1 " " No, no, we get our water, bonnie and clear, frae the tap o' Benledi there, coming rinnin' down at the back o' our ain house." " Aweel, my lady, gin ye were just as far frae the water as ye are frae the maut, your ale wad be a' that the better." A Jack Ketch in the North. Wk are not sure whether a feeling does not still exist among the canaille against the class, but to such an inveterate degree did it pre- vail about thirty years ago that the persons of such underlings as sheriffs and town-ofiicers were scarcely secure from open violence ; and foremost in the tender regards of " the many-head " was Hangie. It may be about twenty years since Bauldy, the Jack Ketch of Glas- gow, was himself launched from the scaffold of time into the abyss beyond ; and during the period that he held office he was the princi- pal object against whom the concentrated fury of the mob was directed on all festive occasions, such as a King's birth-day, Glasgow Fail", or any other occasional spurt that brought the elite of the Wynds and Goosedubs together. The weavers in those days were generally the ringleaders in every attack made on Bauldy, assisted by bands of dissolute Irish. The raansion-house of Bauldy was at one time a little beyond the openings of the Drygate and Rottenrow from the High-sti-eet, and adjoining the Aumos House, whose little belfry sounded the soliciting note of charity to the poor, from funerals, as they passed to the Cathedral churchyard ; latterly, his house was adjoining A JACK KETCH IN THE NORTH. 13? the Guard-house, in Montrose-street, so that when attacked he could immediately have the assistance of the guard. Bauldy was sarcastic and humorous, and his witticisms generally turned on his own profes- sion — (if there is obloquy attached to yours, gentle reader, adopt the same practice ; it takes the weapon out of the hand of your adver- sary) — and these, when repeated, gave deadly offence to their mighti- nesses, the mob. When Scott and Adamson wei'C condemned for a forgery on the Ship Bank, it was reported amongst the mud-and-brickbat aristocracy that Bauldy, exulting at the prospect of an increase in trade, had said, in the joy of his heart, " My pear-tree's flourishing ! " which, of course, had an irritating effect upon their minds ; but in none did it produce a more settled and determined resolution to inflict retributive vengeance, than in Isaac M'Gregor, introduced already to our readers, who came to Glasgow once every week with whisky from Cassel's distillery at Kepp, when he usually heard all the mob gazettes I'ead and commented on ; although he had frequently meditated an attack upon poor Bauldy, he never could find a fitting opportunity. At last one offered, and we shall give the story in his own words, which partook much of episode and parentheses : — " Ye see, my lads, as I was saying, I was in ae time on New'r-day — I am generally in before that time to gie you Glasgow bodies something to wash the buns ower your wizzens ; and after getting my puncheons on, and my rack-pins weel kinched, and a dram or twa aneath my breast-buttons — for ye see, Mr. Young, our clerk, decent man, aye gied me a guid homfu* before he would let me awa' — aff I sets on my road hame, through Albion-street to George-street, and ca's as I gaed bye on sergeant Tamson — we aye ca'd him sergeant, ye see, for he 'listed a man for Jock Morrison o' Wastertown, when he was drawn for the militia. Weel, the sergeant wouldna let me out ower the door stane till I would tak' my time o' day frae him too — it was maybe morning, but nae matter, so, ye see, by this time I could cock my bonnet, and daur the Deil himself or ony o' his crew. — See that shackle-bane, lads ! just let onybody find the weight o' that, and they'll think that it was a horse's shank coming athort them ! — But I'm forgetting mysel. As I gaed up to my horse, and set him down on the road, or street, for you Glasgow folks are aye trapping a body — I thinks to mysel, now Bauldy, gin ye come across my rnad this morning, my man, I'll speak to you in the language o' Gaelic. When I comes up to the mouth o' the Rottenrow, wha should present himsel but my gentleman ! Weel, Bauldy ! quo' I to mysel, I'm blythe to see you — the bodie was thx'ang pouring his potatoes on the outside of the pavement — he aye, ye see, took potatoes to his breakfast — and I ties my whup about my shouthers, and comes up to him, whistling * Jenny dang the Weaver,' — never letting on, ere the puir creature kent whaur he was, I gie- mate of a very peevish, and querulous turn in her temper. Tailors' and shoemakei"s' wives, as well as clergymen's, often have this turn ; is it accidental, or because these worthies of the scissors, soles, and sermons, are always in the house, and, having an opportunity of ob- serving the details in the household economy, wish to have the dii-ection inside as well as outside of the house ? if so, we tell the sex to "Stand by their order." The tailor's help took ill, and the scythe of Time seemed about to shear through the last stitches that made the couple "one flesh." "I'm gaun to dee Andrew," said the wife, "Are ye?" replied the tailor, as coolly as if he had been trying the temper of his goose. " Are ye ? — is that the way ye speak when I'm telling you that I'm gaun to leave ye for ever V' " What wad ye hae me to say ? — can I sneck the door against death ? " " Deed no, Andrew, ye canna sneck the door against the King o' Terrors, nor would ye rise afF your seat to do't though ye could, ; ye're no to lay my banes here, amang the riff-raff o' Linlithgow, but tak' them to Whitburn, and lay them beside my father and mither." Andrew, esteeming a promise made to a person on the verge of time sacred, and not wishing to put him- self to the expense, which, indeed, he could ill afford, waved giving any answer, but led on a different conversation. "Do you hear, Andrew 1" " Oh yes, I hear," " Weel, mind what I'm saying, tak' me to Whitburn, or I'll rise and trouble ye nicht and day — do ye hear ] " " Yes, yes, I hear perfectly — is that pain in your side :iye troubling ye yet V " Ou ay, I'm a' pain thegither,but the maist paiu to me is, that you'll lay my dust here." " Oh, woman, dinna distvcs.s yoursel about that simple circumstance." " Mind, I'll no lie here, ye maun tak me to Whitburn ; I'll trouble ye if ye dinna, and ye may depend on't." " Weel, weel, then, if ye maun be buried at Whitburn, I canna help it, but we'll try ye at Linlithgow first," Above and Below, In one of those parish churches which had been erected during the dominancy of Episcopacy in Scotland, but which had become con- nected with the Church of Scotland, was an important personage who kept order in the house — Robin Tug-the-Tow, alias Rab-the-Router. These names were bestowed on the beadle, from his manner of tugging, rather than a steady swinging pull of the bell rope, and the ringing or " roixting " of the said piece of metal, in summoning to the services of the church, or wailing with weeping note the committal to earth of some villager or tiller of the soil. Being a rural district, and the parish, for the most part, let out for sheep pasture, the constant, attendant of the shephei'd, his dog, followed his master thither, and it generally happened that Colly from the glen, and Csesar from tlie 152 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Tillage, were of diffei-ent politics, and were as noisy, and somewhat more teethy, in their discussions, as those distinguished meetings of the Glasgow Oity Council in some years, the knell of whose departure is not entirely out of ofir ears. What, with this canine uproar, and the noise from an establishment of swallows, who kept a boarding-school in the ceiling, for rearing and educating their young, — the admoni- tions from the pulpit were frequently rendered inaudible. Robin had little difficulty in dislodging the dogs, but the feathered olfenders were beyond the tip of his beadleship's baton. The church official cast many an angry look upward, when the twitterers were feeding their callow bro*d, who, grateful in return for the supplies, uttered their gratitude in notes as loud as their slender throats could articulate. Though to the lover of nature the music of these commoners of nature in their nurseries, were as interesting as the harmony of the spheres, — not to compare great things with small, — Robin could, with hearty good- will, have demolished their mud-built tenements, and made these fork-tailed nurses introduce their families of fledgelings into society, before their education had been completed. The clergyman was obliged, every now and then, to intermit his discourse, until the noise should subside, which Robin assisted in procuring, pursuing, fire and sword, the teethy combatants from the lobby, causing them to make the best use of all the limbs they had ; which having done, he resumed again his seat in the bench. The (logs, after a very brief retreat, returned one by one, the younger and inexperienced taking the lead, your old grey-bearded stagers following aL due distance. Coming to the door, these youngsters with cautious noise put aside the leaf of the door to reconnoitre, and report whether the fearful Robin were sentinelling the passage ; then pushing in, after a report of clear, all came in pell-mell, and forthwith resumed the unsettled dispute. The noise one day became, above and below, intolerable, as if the upper and lower battalions disputed which should have the gi-eater credit in marring the service. The minister said, " Robin, you must put down that noise — I find it impossible to make myself heard." " Put it down. Sir, said ye," replied Robin, " my certie, I hae pitten out thae tanker-mouthed girners in the trance, ance and again this day, and I'm ready to do't the noo, but to put down yon wily-wing'd chitterers amang the cupples, will need a langer arm than mine." •« A Social Dog. The Scotch dog, distinguished in his species as the shepherd's dog or Colly, is a very domestic animal, and appeai-s to sympathise in the vicissitudes of the family, be they of a melancholy or cheerful character. If there be a party got up in the kitchen for blind-man's hiiS, on a " weel-red floor," and if Oolly is not daiz'd with age, or attending to out-door duties with some of the family, he is the fore- most and most noisy of the party. The person apprehended, usually struggles for liberty, and Colly with mouth and fore-trotters, in pure A MATTER OF TASTE. 153 joyousness of heart, assists in securing the prisoner ; he would not injm-e with his ivory, were you to give him the contents of a butcher's stall for reward ; often have we ourselves guessed on approaching, what was going on within doors, when we heard the almost risible bark of honest Colly. A. very sagacious, white-faced, gentlemanly-looking, dog-personage of this class, belonged to William M'Kechnie, Arnprior, Avho always squatted himself down on his hams, and assumed a most elder-looking face, while the family were engaged in worship. It occurred one morning to Bautie, that he might also assist in the psalmody, and he struck in, accordingly, with a most ludicrous effect. Old Grannie was the only person who could restrain herself; stroking the sleek head of Colly, she tendered him a soft admonition, declining the accompaniment — " Whisht, Bautie, poor man, for ye ken naething about the matter; your mouth was never made for singing Psalms wi'." Moral : — There are many beings in the world, who hold their heads more in the perpendicular than poor Bautie, whose profession and ordinary conduct afford melancholy evidence, that practically they know as little of the matter as poor Bautie. A Matter of Taste. A Rev. gentleman connected with the Secession Church, whose son •at present occupies a most conspicuous place at the Scottish bar, was pi-eaching on an occasion of baptism in a farmer's house in a muirland district ; the audience was necessarily very limited, and the kitchen was sufficiently large to accommodate the worshippers. The mistress ordered the servant maid to attend to the broth — which was bubbling up, a stomach-cheering strain — and put into the pot, at the proper time, a large basinful of onions which had been shred, and were lying on the dresser. The Rev. gentleman had never been able to teach his stomach the elements of Egyptian cookery, the delicacies of Goshen — the relish of onions ; on the contrary he had a most rooted dislike to this strongly- flavoured esculent ; — so that there was little likelihood of his remembering this pot-herb, although he had wandered in the deserts of Sinai for the full complement of years. He commenced his sermon, but kept a most suspicious look-out at the onions, which he could not but see and smell, we may almost say feel also ; at the given point in the ebullition of the broth, the mistress gave a significant nod to the servant, which was immediately obeyed. His Reverence diverged, as the maid came forward with the hateful basin. " I say, my lass, if ye put a shaving 0' thae in the pot, I'll no put a spoon in the kail this day." A Chance Hit. The same Rev. gentleman was riding along the road one day, and tad on a cloak which he wore when the elements without seemed to 154 THE LAIRD OF LOGAJs. wage war and dispute their claims to superiority, of rather an extra- oi-dinary make and pattern, cape upon cape like the outworks in a regular fortification ; so that when the rain had got possession of one fold it had a fresh one to encounter. The winds were trying their full power to turn this tailor's barricade into ridicule, and were assailing the shoulder turrets in all directions, when an English gentle- man came up, mounted on a very spirited horse, which had never been trained to such sights, and took alarm, and almost threw his rider. " Why, man," said John Bull, "that cloak o' yours would frighten the Devil." " Weel," replied the minister, " that's just my trade." A Beggar's Discharge. Hawkie attacked a gentleman, the second time on the same even- ing, for a piece of copper coinage. The gentleman on the second application pled previous payment, " Weel, weel," said Hawkie, " I'll let you pass, ye hae paid." Language of the Feet. Henderson the proverbialist had a most peculiar mode of indi- cating his wants ; indeed, every thing he said or did partook of the character of the man. When dining, and after certain dishes had been partaken of, which according to good old northern custom quali- fies for a dram, such as fish, cheese, &c., generally solids, and when the ardent solvent seemed tardy in forthcoming, he would have addressed himself to some familiar friend, and complained, " Man, Davit, gin ye be wanting a dram, can ye no just seek it, instead o' kicking my shins that gaet." An Irish Wonder. A PARTY was going out to dine in the neighbourhood of Dublin, in the direction of the Canal. While driving along its banks they observed before them a mare, with a colt at her foot, grazing in a small enclosure, who gambolled in all the joyousness of conscious existence. In his exuberance of joy he ventured too near the brink, lost his slender footing, and went plump over ears ; a car somewhat in advance of our party pulled up, and rescued the inexperienced roadster. As our friends came up master colt had forgot his recent perils, shook the folds of his shaggy drapery, and greedily commenced sucking his mother, " Ach, an' by my troth," observed one of the sons of the bog, " who'd have thought that he'd been dry so soon." A Tractable Stilt. " You are well acquainted with the but and ben end of the ' Land o' cakes,' Hawkie," said a gentleman to him. In reply — " I might throw the halter ower the neck o' my stilt, and it would turn in o' its ain accord to its quarters for the nicht, without happing or wind- ing, in ony corner o't." HAWKIE'S VOCATION. 155 Hawkie's Vocation. " It's a wonder, Hawkie, that ye can live, a man of your intellect, tramping up and down, amang a' the riff-raff tatterdemallions that beg the country," said a gentleman. " Oh, but man is that a' ye ken," replied the wit; "I Lae a profession to support — I'm a collector of poor's rates." Collector and Commission. " Hawkie," continued the gentleman, " You must have a surplus of funds, for I think you a talented and industrious collector." " Weel, man, I'll admit baith ; but, for a' that, I ne'er got what paid the col- lector decently." Dunning Extraordinary. " I HAVE had something to do with collecting accounts, Hawkie, and if your rates are as difficult to call in as they are, yon must have battle enough in your profession." " Oh, man, you're no up to your business, you're but a green han' ; we could learn you. No get your accounts ! I ca'd in accounts whan there was naething awn to me." Readable Type. The late William Reid, bookseller in Glasgow, was exceedingly fond of a good joke, and having a fair share of humour liimself, he was the better able to be either the judge or the occasion of it in others. One day an old woman from the clachan of Carapsie entered the shop inquiring for " a Testament, on a mair than ordinar roun' teep." One of the largest size was shown to her, which she carefully ex- amined, exacting a sei-ious tribute on Mr. R.'s patience. " This ane 'ill no do — it's a pity, noo, for it's a bonnie book — hae ye ony o' the same size, but wi' the print just about twice as grit? " "No such Testament printed in Scotland," was the reply. " Weel, I'll tell ye what ye may do, sin' I hae gi'en you a' this trouble ; I'm gaun wast a' the gate to Anderston, to see a brither's bairn that I maun see afore I leave the toun, an' ye can just put your stampin'-irons in the fire and cast ane aff to me by the time that I come back — we'll no cast out about the price." Dust and Drought. Mr. Reid, when confidential shopman and clerk to Messrs. Dunlop and Wilson, booksellers in Glasgow, with whom, we believe, he acquired the knowledge of his profession, was engaged at the annual balance in taking the stock of literature in quires in the warehouse, and had the assistance of a couple of bookbinders to collate the works, and to lay aside all imperfect copies. The work was heavy ,^ and the dust, which had not been disturbed since the former balance, in most cases required, in case of making lodgements in the crevices* of Craig's closs (throat), to be washed down, and Mr. Reid was peti- 156 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, tioned for the juice of barley in some shape or other. Mr. R. received the petition, and having a happy knack in doggx'el, forthwith memo- rialized the heads of the house, " Now, gentlemen, to tell the truth, We're like to choke wi' Btour and drouth ; Twa pots o' porter, if you please. Would set our geyzened throats at ease. " Music in Church — But not Church Music. Donald Mhohe, a dashing young drover, from somewhere benortb the Braes o' Doune, had purchased at Carlisle, where he had been with cattle from the Tryst of Falkirk, a musical snuff-box, and, on his return home, being determined to make a display, he carried the same to church next Sunday. The snuff was prime, but unfortunately, when handing a pinch to a ci'onie, and just as the minister had begun to draw his inferences, off went the box to the not inappropriate tnne of ** We're a' noddin'." Donald applied himself to the stop catch, which he mistook, and away went the music to the profane tune of ^' Maggy Lauder." In the perturbation of the moment, Donald tried to smother the box within his sporran ; but at last took fairly to his heels, when, just as he was about to slam the door behind him, and as if in re])ly to the inquiring gaze of an astonished audience, the dying cadence of the instrument ended with " My name is Maggy Lauder." Out of the Frying-Pan into the Fire. A LATE venerable Doctor in the Church, whose years considerably outnumbered "threescore and ten" ere he "was gathered to his fathers," had, in his earlier days, a rapidity of thought and expres- sion, which led him oftentimes to invert his sentences. One day the Doctor was executing a piece of Church discipline for a crime, which, according to the practice of Kirk and Dissent, with the exception of perhaps the Oongregationalists, is the only one referred to by the Apostle as the " sin before all ;" drunkenness, profane swearing, swindling, and backbiting are of " private interpre- tation," and to be dealt with accordingly ; and after a long lecture on the evil example, &c., he concluded by advising the offender to "go in peace, and thenceforth to live in the practice of all known sin, and the omission of all known duty." The venerable monitor observed a titter going the round of the pews ; and, mistaking the cause, gave with some degree of warmth a closing admonition to the onlookere, which also involved a right-to-left reading of another passage of Scripture — " Let him that thinketh he falleth take heed lest he stand ! " Attending a Funeral. Will Speir joined a funeral passing along the road in the same direction as he was going ; all the attendants were on horseback, and Will, to save appearances, got astride on his huge pole or staff that A DEAN AMONG THE EEGGAKS. 157 be walked with. One of the mournera in atteudauoe obsei'ved to Will — " So ye hae gotten a horse, Will ; its a peaceable-like brute." " Ou ay, poor thing ! its no ill to keep, its neither gi'ea to jiingiug nor eating corn." A Dean among the Beggars. Hawkik accosted a party of gentlemen one night with " Bide a l>liuk till I tell ye something." " We have nothing for you," was the i-eply; "you're drunk, sir." The wit immediately replied, "I'm no half sae drunk as I wad like to be," and which honest reply arrested the party. " Now, gentlemen, mind ye that I'm nane o' your lick-my-loof beggars ; I just want three bawbees to mak' up the gill, and down wi' your dust." The Diet Deserted; or, John Bull in a Strait. Deab Bailie, I got your kind present of crows, And send our good lady's best thanks in reply; The branchers were fat, and you cannot suppose How nicely they ate when done up in a pie. But, in speaking of crows, you're perhaps not aware That a crow will be pluck'd when you show your face here ; What the deuce made you think to consign to our care Such a tun of live-flesh as your friend, Mr. Steer I When he gave me your note (which was done on the beach), The people stood gaping from window and door ; So we took to the inn to be out of their reach. And I ask'd him to dine with me next day at four. Our friends kept their time, and the news of the day Had just been discuss'd when we heard an odd din, While Betty exclaim'd with a voice of dismay, " The muckle fat gentleman canna get in ! " ■** Now up went the windows, and out went our heads. When we found that our neighbours were all on the gaze j And your friend, in the midst of some quizzical blades. Stood scratching his head, and seem'd quite in a maze. " I'm blow'd if this aint a strange kind of a house ! Had I know'd, why I shouldn't have come here at all : Do you think, my good friend, that a man's like a mouse, And can come to his meat through a chink in your wall ? " * Those who have observed the narrow doors of douae of the old houses situate on the Scottish coast will not be surprised at the awkward predicament a gentleman of Mr, Steer's bulky dimensions might tiud himself iu. H58 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Then he look'd up and smiled like a good-natured chap, , " You see, my dear sir, that I can't join your party; E'en though squeezing would do, I'd be caught in a trap, If, when I got in, I should chance to eat hearty." But our half-stifled laughter soon ruffled his fur, And the scowl on his brow showed him stung to the quick. While he growl'd in a deep-toned Northumberland buiT, " Shouldn't wonder, by goom ! though it be a Scotch trick." Says I, " Mr. Steer, why that sounds so unkin', That I cannot help feeling some little surprise ; When yesterday morning I ask'd you to dine, Believe me, good sir, I ne'er thoiight of your size. But to show you, in truth, that it's all a mistake, My friends, sir, and I will directly come down : The dinner within we'll give up for your sake — Walk over the way, and all dine at the Crown." This adjourned the diet so pleased your fat friend, That the evening was spent in good humour and glee ; But, pray, to the width of my doorway attend. And measure your friends ere you send them to me. Thorn of Govan. The Rev. Mr. Thom, minister of the parish of Govan, was alike distinguished for his shrewd sense, his sarcastic wit, and his ulti'a- Whig principles. On days of national fasting, during the American war, Mr. Thorn found fitting occasions for the expression of his political opinions. His church being in the vicinity of Glasgow, his well-known peculiarities generally attracted large audiences on ^iiese occasions. It is told of him that on the day appointed for public national thanksgiving at the termination of the American War he commenced his sermon after the following fashion : — " My friends, we are commanded by royal authority to meet this day for the purpose of public thanksgiving. Now, I should like to know what it is we are to give thanks for. Is it for the loss of thirteen provinces? Is it for the slaughter of so many thousands of our countrymen 1 Is it for so many millions of increased national debt ] " Looking round upon his hearers, whose risibility had been excited, he addressed them thus : — *' I see, my friends, you are all laughing at me, and I am not surprised at it, for were I not standing where I am I would be laughing myself." Balance of Evils. Mr. Thom was appointed by the Presbytery to assist at the induc- tion of a young clergyman, of whose talents he had a very mean CRITERION OF TASTE. 159 opinion. Returning late in the evening, he met an aged membei' ot his own session, near the entry to the manse, who inquired for his minister, and " Whar he had been 1 " Mr. T. explained. " And did you ride your poor mare a' the way and back again ? you'll fell the trusty beast." " An' if it should, John, it's only felling ae brute by settling anither." Criterion of Taste. Mr. Thom was requested to preach a sermon in the Tron Ohurcli of Glasgow on some very particular occasion, and he brought about half-a-dozen MS. sermons in his pocket, uncertain, as he said, which would best suit a Glasgow audience. He thought if he had the opinion of a few friends it might serve as a key to the taste of the Glasgowegians. He accordingly asked a few acquaintances to join him in a pipe and tankard of ale in a favoui'ite howff. " I'm invited to preach a sermon to you great folks in Glasgow," said he ; " and really, I maun after this think myself a man of some consequence, when I have had such an honour conferred on me. But as I'm igno- rant of what will please your wonderful nice preaching palates in this big toun, I have brought a few sermons with me, which I'll read over to you, that I may judge which will be the most suitable." He read over one by one, accoi'dingly, until he came to the last, and with each they were equally well pleased ; taking it up, he proceeded until he came to a passage that fairly gravelled his auditors. ** Stop," said they, " read that passage over again, Mr. Thom." " Wait a wee till I get to the end," said Mr. T., and he continued until another halt was called for explanation. " I'll no tax your patience any longer," said the orator ; " this will suit ye exactly ; for you Glasgow folks admire most what ye least understand." A Mis-Deal. Mr. Thom had just risen up in the pulpit to lead the congregation ill prayer, when a gentleman in front of the gallery took out his handkerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting that a pack of cards were wrapped up in it ; the whole pack was scattered over the breast of the gallery. Mr. T. could not resist a sarcasm, solemn as the act was in which he was about to engage. " Oh, man, man ! surely your psalm-book has been ill bun " [bound] ! The Laird of Barloch. It would be a piece of unpardonable neglect, in a volume issued in Glasgow, to overlook the shining abilities of the ingenious and witty John Douglas, Esq. of Barloch. His well known convivial powers, and readiness in repartee, are such as claim for him a high place in our miscellany. At a late meeting of Council it was proposed that wells should be sunk in some parts of the town at the public expense, in order to supply the inhabitants with water, during the present f^carcity, arising from the repairs going on at the Glasgow Water- »6o THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. "Works. Mr. Douglas, who was opposed to the expenditure of the public money in this way, remai'ked, that " As the inhabitants of the districts in question were wealthy people, he would move that the well-disposed people be allowed to sink wells at their own expense, if they thought proper." Mathematical Question. When Mr. Robert Wallace, teacher of Mathematics, had his esta- blishment in George's Square, he was met by Mr. Douglas, as he wa& passing along at some distance from home, in such a calculating mood, that he had almost passed the wit before he observed him, when Mr. D. roused him from his abstraction by jocosely asking him whether he was calculating the distance of the Square, or the square of the distance 1 Precedent. Mr. Douglas was one day seen emerging from a crowd, where a quarrel had arisen among some porters, respecting a form on which they were accustomed to sit while waiting for employment. On being asked by a gentleman what was the matter 1 he replied, " Oh, only a mere matter of form ! " Mercantile Alarm. When the popular walk on the banks of the river Olyde was thrown open to the public by a decision of the Supreme Court, after having been interrupted for a long time by the erection, on the estate of West- thorn, of what was vulgarly denominated "Harvie's Dyke," great numbers of people crowded thither, attracted by the celebrity of the case. Mr. Douglas happening, on the occasion, to meet the gentleman who had taken the most active part in conducting the plea on behalf of the public, waggishly declared to him, in the most serious manner, that he must surely be a dangerous person, as he had aimed a severe blow at the security of the mercantile world. "How?" asked the gentleman, in the utmost astonishment. " Because," said Mr. Douglas, " you have created a very great run upon the banks." Chemical Diatribes. Chemists, natural philosophers, and mathematicians are all of the genus irritahih ; the first class especially are remarkable for their acrimonious disputes. When Dr. Thomson's famous work on chemis- try was published a very severe review of it appeared in a London magazine. Dr. Thomson, in as severe a reply, ascribed the author- ship of the review to Dr. Ure. In allusion to which, Mr. Douglas said, " If this were the case, it was merely a veiy fine specimen of Uric acid." Gravy before Meat. Me. Douglas dined with a party, where he happened to occupy the Beat next to the hostess, to which, according to the laws of etiquette AN ILL-USED BANKRUPT. i6i is assigned Ihe office of cawing for the lady. Mr. D., with his usual politeness, proffered his services. The joint had not been well pre- pared by the butcher, and it required some strength, as well as art, to separate the parts. In pressing the carving-knife on a tough, liga- ment, it missed, and a quantity of gravy was thrown upon the gown of the hostess. " Mr. Douglas," said she, " I beg a thousand pardons, the fault is entirely mine, the piece ought to have been better prepared for the knife. " Oh, ma'am," replied Mr. Douglas, " yours is all the grace, and mine is all the gravy." An Ill-Used Bankrupt. A MERCHANT, as the most petty shopkeeper is styled in the High- lands, was obliged, from losses and mismanagement, to meet his credi- tors ; the most of whom being in Glasgow, the unfortunate bankrupt had to make a journey from home to meet them. A confidential friend had, in the mean time, been corresponded with to ascertain the real state of his affairs, in case of imposition ; and it was ascer- tained that if some heritable property could be made available every creditor might expect payment in full. At the meeting a statement of his affairs was produced ; but no notice being taken of his property, he was interrogated, when he admitted such property to be his. " But," added he, " what have you to do with that 1 it never was in my business at all." "Yes, Duncan, that may be," said one of the creditors, "but it must answer for your debts nevertheless." "Not at all, not at all, it never was money in my business, and therefore it is always my own ; that's the law in our place, and should be every- wliere in the world ; and I'll make it good before every one of you — my own agent there knew this, did you 1 " The agent here informed him that " all his effects, real and personal, were the property of his cx'editors, aye and until their claims were discharged." " Never before heard of such an awful injustice," exclaimed the bankrupt ; •' was ever a poor man so much swindled by his creditors, not to leave me one penny to bless mysel' with ! " Logan on Chemical Analysis. Logan, on a market-day in Kilmarnock, went into a tavern with a friend and ordei'ed some whisky. The waiter, when he set down the measure, asked if they wished to have water along with the spirits ? " Na," said the Laird, " had ye no better try to tak' out the water that's in't already 1 " An Economical Preacher, A PAROCHIAL incumbent, whose scene of labour bordered on the Strath of Blane, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the memories of his hearers, inasmuch as he frequently entertained them with " cauld kail het again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously given. On one occasion, his own memory allowed him to U 1 62 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, make a slip, and only a Sabbath had elapsed between the giving of tlie sermon a second time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to him, " I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gie'in' iis auld sermons ; but they'll be mislear'd folk as weel as sklentin' frae fact, that say that o' the ane ye gied us this afternoon, for it's just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place ! " Professional Industry. James Johnstone was a wit, and like Edie Ochiltree, delighted exceedingly in exercising his talent at the expense of his betters. Besides paving the sti-eets of the royal burgh of Lanark, Johnstone was wont to follow his vocation in the neighbouring villages. On one occasion, while repairing the streets of a small town bordering on the eastern district of Lanarkshire, he was encountered by the parish minister, whose enemies reported that " he looked mair after his pence than his pu'pit." '* Well, Mr, Johnstone, what are you engaged about here 1 " " In troth, minister," said the paviour, " I'm trying to mend the ways [roads] o' the folk o' your parish." " Very laudable employment, James, indeed, but one which I fear is not likely to be successful ; for I have been engaged in the same employment for the last five-and- twenty years with little success," " Ah, but, sir,** replied Jamie, " there's a material difference between us in our way o' gaun about it ; you're sair lee'd on, if you're as muckle on your knees to bring't about as I am ! " Stand by Your Order. The paviour was diligently exercised one day in his vocation, when an acquaintance came up, who had in charge a few pigs that he was driA'^ing to a farmer in the neighbourhood. The swine-herd was anxious to provoke a witticism from the causewayer, who, on the other hand, was as unwilling to be provoked by such an assailant ; for though he followed a suppKant-like profession, he had a most unbending soul within him. Annoyed by the petulance of the pig- purveyor, he stepped upon the side-way, saying, " Just follow your friends there ; a man's aye kent by the company he keeps." An Enraged Amateur. An enthusiastic disciple of the old school of musical composition, who led a band of musical inamoratos in the village of Old Kil- patrick, and who entertained a supreme contempt for the namby pamby notes of some of our modern sentimentalists, had his attention directed to a certain tune in sacred music that had just been given to the world. One of his pupils was accordingly instructed to procure a copy of the work containing it, when it was discovered to be an old tune with some slight changes, and under a different name. Our liero, on the discovery, thundered his foot on the floor in indignation at such barefaced pilfering. On one of the pupils remarking tliat it had been murdered in the composition, — " Na," said he, " it is dis- COMMERCIAL IMPORTANCE. 163 composed, and not only murdered, but they hae ca'd its gboet a nick- name ! " Commercial Importance. Nothing can be more ludicrous than the importance attached by little minds to little things, and the consequence that such arrogate to themselves and their own puny avocations. A traveller from Birmingham, in the " button line," a perfect specimen of the thing we have just described, having all the conceit of his caste about him, with none of the gentlemanly bearing, suavity of manners, and genuine excellence of both head and heart, which we know others of them to possess, once met a friend in Glasgow, and descanted in such glowing and eloquent terms, on Birmingham and the exquisite lustre and polish of its buttons, that one would have thought the sun himself but an overgrown button, and Birmingham his chamber in the eastw This led to a remark, from his friend, i-egarding the amount of money lie might collect at each visit. " It is very great, I assui'e you. Very great indeed, sir. I will," continued he, with a knowing inclination of his knob, " I will make Glasgow a poor town before I leave it to-day ! " A Friendship Worth Having. " Weel, Duncan Graham," said an old hoary slip from the same Celtic stock, " you have always been a great patriot for your father's family and the clan of our name ; and you have now been away from lis a long time, and married a wife, and all that ; and no doubt you will wish to go and live amongst her relations, though I would rather that you were amongst ourselves here in our own place, all the rest of your days." " Yes," replied Duncan, " I have come a long way north to see my native country, but I mean to return to the south to spend the remainder of my days." " No doubt, no doubt ; it's all right, Duncan. Now, Duncan, when you are away from us, and among strangers, should any thing befel you in the way of difficulty, always count on Dugald Graham, your own second cousin by the mother side, as a true friend ; ay, Duncan, one that will stand by you in all circumstances in the world, or any where — aye — any thing short of murder : indeed, Duncan, my dear, if it should be murder itself, I will not turn my back upon you." Pigs and Puppies : or, Having the V/rong Sow by the Ear. The Robertons of Earnock, in the parish of Hamilton, were one of the oldest families in that part of the country, and could trace their origin to a more remote antiquity than many of the noble families in their neighbourhood. The last of these lairds, who died upwards of fifty years ago, was noted for many good qualities, not unmixed with some eccentricities. Among the latter of these, was a strange fond- i64 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, ness for htuifcing-dogs, which he })ermitted to roam at large, and to live at bed and board with himself ; and generally from twenty to thirty might be seen following him on his peregrinations around the country, or, if at home, snugly dozing around him on the hearth. Among the then pendicles attached to this strange establishment, was a family fool named Robert M'Math, who was perhaps the last of his species in Scotland. His neighbour, Captain Gilchrist, of Eddlewood, the maternal grandfather of the celebrated Lord Cochrane, now Earl Dundonald, frequently rallied him on these points, but in vain ; the Laird of Earnock was incurable ; but, at the same time, he did not think the less of his kind -hearted neighbour and disinterested adviser, and, accordingly, various small marks of attention and of mutual regard frequently passed between the two families, of which the following is an instance : — The Laird of Earnock had on one occasion a large litter of pigs of a very superior breed, and as he wished to send a couple of them to Captain Gilchrist, Robin the fool was instantly despatched with them in a pock which he carried over his shoulders, with directions to say to the family at Eddlewood, that they were " from the Laird of Earnock, and would serve for a roast, or to amuse the weans." The weans at this time were Lord Cochrane and his brother. The distance between Earnock-house and Eddlewood is about two miles; and as ill-luck would have it, a party from Hamilton happened on the same day to be playing at quoits, and dining at a small public-house about half-way between the two mansion-houses. When Robin was seen approaching with his bui'den on his back they instantly *' smelled a rat ; " and having persuaded him to go in and take a drink of swipes or ale, they in the meantime took out the two pigs, and placed two pups in their place ; and, having helped Robin on with his burden, sent him on his way rejoicing. On arriving at Eddlewood he met Captain Gilchrist himself, where, having delivered his message, he was ordered to "turn them out." Ha\'ing done so, lie was confounded to see two pups, instead of two pigs, make theii debut. Captain Gilchrist, thinking it was a joke of his friend, ordered Robin to re-pack his charge, and carry them back to his master. When Robin reached the fatal public-house on his return home he was again enticed to go in ; and while he was partaking of another refreshment the pigs were replaced and the dogs taken out^ when the simple dupe was despatched as formerly. On his arrival at Earnock he began to upbraid the Laii'd for having sent him on so fraitless an errand ; when, being again ordered to " turn them out," to his infinite amazement and consternation the dogs had again become pigs. His mastei', having questioned him where he had been, saw through the trick, ordered him again to get the pigs on his back, and to be sure and never set them down till he reached Eddle- wood ; but Robin was refractory, and made off as quickly as possible, remarking, with a shrug of the shoulder and a significant leer of the eye — " Na, na, maister, I've carried the Deil lang enough ; you may carry him a bit yoursel' noo." AN ABERDEEN WONDER. 165 An Aberdeen Wonder. John Bervie, an honest, industrious man, who lived in a landward parish not far from the " auld toon o' Aberdeen," had, by dint of industry and frugality, so far succeeded in his wishes as to give his only sou a tolerably good education ; and the young man, after being fully qualified, set off" for London, where he soon got into a com- fortable situation. After being properly settled, he, like a wise and grateful son, remitted to his father from time to time small sums of money, as he could spare them from his salary. On one occasion he sent by the hand of a friend a guinea to his worthy father, who kept it like the apple of his eye, and would by no means part with it, however hard he might be pressed. At this time gold was a great rarity in the " north countrie," and it was the custom of honest John to take his guinea to church with him every Sabbath day, and show it to his astonished neighbours as a " wonderfu' wonder,'' for which sight he was sure always to charge a penny from each individual who wished to see the " gowd guinea." But evil times came, and poor John was under the dire necessity of parting with his darling guinea. Sabbath came round, and John appeared in the church-yard as usual, but not in his wonted mood, for, alas ! the precious coin was gone, and John felt as one bereaved of a friend who had long been dear to him - His neighbours flocked around him, as was their wont, wishing another sight of the guinea, but John told them, with a sorrowful heart and as sorrowful a countenance, that " he couldna let them see't ony mair, for he had been obligated to part wi't at last, and a sair partin' it was to him." His acquaint- ances, grieved and disappointed, both on account of John's hardship and of not having their own curiosity gratified, began to disperse, when John bethought him of a plan by which he might partly satisfy them, and likewise put a few pence into his pocket. " Come a' back, lads," cried John, " come a' back, fat are ye a' gaen awa' for ? gin I canna let you see the guinea itsel' for a penny, I'll let ye see the clou tie it was row'd in for a bawbee." The Dead Defunct A LEARNED weaver, in stating his case before the provost of a certain western burgh, having had occasion to speak of a party who was dead, repeatedly described him as the defunct. Irritated by the iteration of a word which he did not understand, the provost ex- claimed — " What's the use o' talking sae muckle about this chield yea ca' the defunct ? — canna ye bring the man here and let him speak for himsel' ! " " The defunct's dead, my Lord," added the weaver. " Oh I that alters the case," gravely observed the sapient provost. An Ancient Glasgow Magistrate. (From a Manuscript History of the Burgh.) In the year 16 — , on the magistracy being appointed, one name appeai'ed on the leet which gave great offence to the rest of these i66 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. functionaries. This was Bailie , Their objections to him were these : — He was, in the first place, a novus homo, and uncon- nected with any of the old families in the neighboui'hood. In the next place, it was understood that he owed his elevation to the civic dignity, not so much to his own deserts, as to the influence which his wife possessed over the Archbishop. Thus backed, he soon, by his own industry and his grace's goodwill, rose to " comparative affluence. Being ambitious himself, and his wife not behind any of her sex in vanity, she prevailed with the Archbishop to put her husband on the leet of magistrates. His civic brethren, though they could not oppose the election, determined nevertheless to make his honours as irksome to him as possible ; and with this view they thwarted all the measures that he mooted in council. He was, how- ever, not a man of very nice feelings, and, therefore, not easily put down ; in short, the temper he displayed often fretted those who considered themselves his superiors in wisdom and prudence, and frequent bickerings in consequence took place. Matters were in this situation at the council board of Glasgow when the following ludi- crous circumstance afforded some of the more waggish among the enemies of Bailie no small amusement at his expense. It chanced that a nephew of Janet Eeid, a worthy hostess who kept the most distinguished house of entertainment in the burgh, returning from one of his trips to Holland — for he was skipper or captain of a trading vessel belonging to the Lord Provost — chanced to bring with him a cuckoo clock, as a present to his aunt. This, as it was a great rarity, was highly prized by the old woman, who placed it in her prin- cipal apartment ; and it so fell out that two of the bailies happened to call at Janet's the same day to take their meridian, and, hearing the cuckoo, they were astonished and delighted with the contrivance, and agi'eed between themselves to play off a joke upon Bailie . They accordingly proposed in council to dine upon an early day in Janet Eeid's, and discuss some matters of importance. The motion was carried, and on the day appointed a full meeting took place. A little before the hour expired one of those in the secret entered into a discussion with Bailie respecting his name, which he insisted ought to be Cuckoo, and not , as he called himself; this, he said, a little bird had told him. At this moment the cuckoo appeared, and repeated its usual note, when the whole party burst out into a fit of loud laughter at the silly joke. The Bailie, though surprised and discomposed at the unexpected insult, still preserved his temper, and the banter went on for another hour, at the expiry of which the bird again broke in upon their merriment with its note, when the laughter was renewed and every finger directed towards the unfortu- nate civic, who, inflamed with liquor and maddened by the repetition of the insult, started to his feet, sprung forward, and, wrenching the offensive piece of mechanism from its place, dashed it to atoms on the hearth; he then looked scowlingly round on the company, adjusted hia cravat, called for his sword, and indignantly quitted the room. HIGHLAND HOSPITALITY. 167 The other civics, having by this experiment found out what would nettle their obnoxious brother, determined to persevere in the annoyance, and with this view resolved instanter to order two clocks of a similar construction — one to replace that destroyed, and the other to be put up in the council hall. The daily ridicule which was thus about to be brought on the head of the poor Bailie was likely to be such as no human patience could well stand ; recourse in this emergency was therefore had to the Archbishop, who sent for the Provost and elder Bailie, and having lectured them on the impropriety of their conduct, requested that the obnoxious minute should be erased from the council-books, which was complied with next day. Highland Hospitality, or an Odd Substitute for a Warming-Pan. Two Paisley dandies, travelling in the Highlands, arrived at the house of a common acquaintance just as he was about to sit down to dinner. Nothing could be more gratifying to the hungry strangers than the sight which met their eyes as they entered the dining-room. The table literally groaned under the good cheer with which it was covered, and the honest Seestus, not dreaming of so much variety so far from home, were for the time in all their glory, and required little persuasion to make them wash down the whole with plentiful liba- tions of the nectar of the country. The Seestus, in short, partook freely of every thing that appeared ; and mine host of the mountains, who was one of the most benevolent as well as the most hospitable of human beings, out of pure regard for the well-being of his guests, sug- gested at an early hour that they should retire to rest. By this time the latter had already drowned all their cares in the bowl, and were by no means prepared for such an abrupt termination of their festivi- ties ; but the hint of the landlord was of course irresistible, and they reluctantly proceeded to their chambers. When musing there for a while on the pleasures of the entertainment, and the delights especi- ally of the never-to-be forgotten Glenlivet, it all at once occurred to one of them that it was a very extraordinary thing to be thus sent supperless to bed, and that by means of a little Paisley jockeyship it might be still practicable, if not to get supper, at least to secure a little more drink. With this view he passed at once to the apartment of his companion and imparted his design, proposing that to punish the old cock for his want of hospitality they should yet arouse him out of bed on pretence of illness, and induce him to produce once more all the implements of jollity. Every thing seemed to favour their plan ; their bed-rooms were situate in a remote and dismal part of the old Highland mansion ; the wind whistled through the crevices of the shattered window-frames, and our weary travellers began to shiver in true earnest at the thought of passing a whole night in a place so cheerless. The bell was then rung for the servant, who was told to alarm his master immediately, as one of the gentleman had suddenly i68 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. become unwell after going to bed, and would certainly die unless he got something to relieve him. Mine host was instantly on the spot, full of alarm for his friends ; but he had scarcely entered the room when he perceived something like a smile on the faces of both, a cir- cumstance he could not well reconcile with the pretence of serious illness. To be brief, he penetrated the whole affair in a twinkling, and neither liking to be thus roused from his warm bed, nor relishing the idea of being quizzed after this fashion in his own house, he resolved, like Lesmahago with the mad dog, to turn upon his pursuers and fight them with their own weapons. Feigning compassion, accordingly, for the suffering Seestus, and treading softly up to the bedside, " My dear sir," exclaimed he, " I fear your quarters are not so comfortable as they should have been ; but if you complain of cold I have a remedy at hand which will soon cure the shivex'ing fit — just let me feel your pulse, my sweet sir, and all shall be right in a moment." Having so expressed himself, he seized the astonished Paisleyonian round the middle, and throwing him on his knee as if he had been an infant, he raised a fist, which, like that of Parson Adams, bore no small resemblance to a shoulder of mutton, and applied it with so much force and dexterity that the unfortunate victim of his droughty neighbour's drollery roared out most lustily for help, invoking St, Mirren, and cursing the hour he had left the Water-neb, while he ever and anon protested it was all a joke. This was only answered by the sturdy Highlander with a repetition of the dose, and he swore at the same time that he liked jokes above every thing, but that this was the only effectual substitute he had ever known for a modern warming-pan(^ He then turned to the other, who had nearly expired with laughing at the absurd predicament of his naked associate, and seizing him with the same business-like air of indifference, made him taste of the same discipline not less severely, through a pair of thin duck trowsers, the effect of which is now jocosely said, by the wags of the Sneddon, to be visible in his nose, an extra quantity of blood appearing to have retreated to that organ whenever the alarm was sounded at the opposite extremity. " And now, gentlemen," added the honest Celt, " as I am a little fatigued with the trouble that I have taken to make you so very comfortable, we shall, if you please, have a little more of the dew, and then to bed." The unlucky dandies were too much confounded with the sample of their landlord's humour, which they had just tasted, to think of thwarting him in any new proposal, and they acquiesced therefore with so much good wdll that morning had already dawned upon them ere they thought of departing from the second sederunt. They were pi;zzled next day to decide whether they should admire the more — Highland hospitality, or Highland warming-pans. The Ruling Passion Strong in Death. Andkew TiNNACH was a cock-laird of the wast, and a man of very Btiong passions — those of an irascible character predominating. He HIGHLAND MEDICAL PRESCRIPTION. 169 ■was never known to have forgiven an injury, not even after he had taken his revenge. He would reply to those who urged him to forget and forgive — '' Wliat do you know about my feelings 1 when ye can suit your shanks to my hose and shoon, ye may speak; so just keep your breath to cool your kail : ye dinna ken how het ye may hae to sup them yoursel yet." Tinnach had a feud of long standing with a neighbour laird, one Peter Torrance; and although Peter was always anxious to make up matters with Andrew, yet his obstinacy withstood all advances towards a reconciliation, A serious illness, however, brought him at last to some placability of temper ; and a message was despatched for Peter to come and see Andrew, who was thought to be at the point of death. " Man, Andrew ! " said Peter, " but I am vex'd to see you sae sair dung down, but keep up your heart yet — there's been mony a ane as sair forfochten, and wan owr't a'." " Oh, but Peter,'"' said the dying man, " there's an awfu' death-wark at my heart, I never fand ony thing like it before ; I just sent for you, because I would like to die at peace wi' you." *' I'm glad to hear ye speak sae, Andrew, and ye canna be mair anxious to be at peace wi' me than I am to be wi' you ; it's no seventy times, nor onything like it, that you and I hae had misunderstandings." Andrew rallied a little, and a gleam of hope seemed to light up his pallid countenance. " But, Peter, ye ken ye did me great harm, and though I aye tried to keep down my temper, it brak out whiles ; it wasna easy to put up wi' a' the provocation that ye gied me." " Weel, weel," said Peter, who, upon the whole, was more the injured than the injurer, " be it so ; let us forget and forgie." *' Ay, Peter, but ye aye made light o' the injui-y ye did to me." Peter saw matters likely to resume their old form, and bade Andrew farewell. " Weel, fareweel, Peter," said Andrew; "and though we're 'greed the now, mind, gin I get better, we'll just be as we were, for a' this." R. Highland Medical Prescription. Lachlan M'Lean of Breadalbane sent two of his sons, Hector and Angus, to a brother-in-law, who lived in the Calton of Glasgow, to be apprenticed as hand-loom weavers. Angus, the younger of the two, was of an exceedingly kind and obliging disposition, and endeared himself, as William Dougall, his uncle and master said, " to everybody about him ; but, in regard to his brother," the same authority stated " that he had nae great brow o' him — there appears to be unco little outcome o' him ; but what can be expected o' a raw cailant standing sax feet twa on his stocking soles, and only saxteen year auld ; thae sort o' cattle hae little mair generally than what the spoon puts in them ; they grow owre fast to tak muckle judgment alaug wi' them ; the crap o' him, too, is booing down lis fast as the body grows up, just like a saugli-wand, whiLk niaks me I70 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. say to him whiles — Man, Hector, you're growing to the grund like the stirk's tail." The aunt paid great attention to her nephews, particularly to the younger — she separated their meal-hours from those of the shop- mates, 80 that she might give them something over and above the ordinary run of the kitchen. Mrs. Dougall might be seen calling in her two nephews to breakfast just as the others had left. '' Come awa, my braw laddies, I am sure that you are both weary and hungry now ; haste you, my bairns, I hae keepit your bit egg warm and boiling for you this half houi'." The great change from climbing the hills, and assisting his father in watching the sheep, to the sedentary occupation of weaving, induced a serious swelling in the ancle joints of poor Angus, and to add to this jaundice threw its saffron hue over his countenance. This sickness gave his aunt great anxiety. " My poor doo," would she say, " and so far from your mother, maybe never mair be able to go home on your ain feet. Betty, my little lassie, go over to John Battieson the smith — we should rather call him Dr. Battieson, though he is second cousin of my own — atweel I'll say't, he'll knew more than all the doctors that hae been brought out o' the College — rin, Betty, and say that I sent you for something that's good for pro- moting a swell in the joint at the heel, and also for putting away a yellow face with the jaundice." Betty immediately obeyed, and delivered the message to the son of Vulcan, who put on a grave, thoughtful expression of countenance for about ten minutes, and prescribed : — " Tell Mrs. Dougall to take her own two hands and rub the laddie's legs aye down and down till the swell go away at the bottom of the foot — on no account let her draw her hands up, as she may cause the swell to go up to and go into his body, and kill him altogether; and for the jaundice, tell her to take the blankets from the laddie's bed at night when the dew is coming down, and draw them through the dew till they are wet all over, then row them about him tight all over his body, so that he will be a perspiration the whole night — and by the blessing of Providence and the cure of the medicine the laddie will do well." Celts and the Secession. At one of the preaching stations connected with the Cowal missions the clergymen sent there by the Secession Synod were well received, and apparently attentively listened to, though many of the hearers knew not the difference between Kirk and Dissent. One of them was asked what Seceders meant, as differing from the Churcli of Scotland. " Och, I'll thocht, tall bonny men, like the cedars on Lebanon." Highland Synonyms. Duncan M'Tavish practised as a writer in a small town in the West Highlands, and had become familiar with the English language, chiefly through the medium of BaUey's dctionary; and Duncan, PROMISE VERSUS REFORM. 171 when quizzed about his elegant English, said " it would be strange indeed if he did not knew English, ay, every particle of it, when I have every year read all the dictionary, word for word, and made an ol)8ervation on it too." Duncan had a young man as an apprentice, whom he was instructing in the mysteries of " Giving over land by deed, of drawing obligations between man and man, and for employ- ing all instruments, civil and profane, for bringing criminals before justice," as the indenture ran. An uncle of this young man bad paid the debt of nature, and it was necessary for the apprentice to obtain his employer's permission to go to the funeral, which was at a con- siderable distance. " By all means, Ian M'Dliu — by all means, my boy — ^go surely, and get ready your black clothes, and all that ; but you must also, Ian, write your uncle's widow a letter of compliments on this melancholy occasion. Sit down, and I'll give you a letter of my own deduction. Begin and say — ' My dearest madam' — yes, that will do — *I beg leave' — yes, beg leave — * to congratulate you.'" The young man, who had profited above his teacher, observed — " Don't you think, sir, condole is a better word 1 " " Oh yes ! it is a very good word — put them both down — they are excellent words, and, moreover, synonymous terras ! " Promise versus Reform. An issuer of " Promises to pay," in a town of some note on the west coast of Scotland, had got himself well feathered in his vocation, the business being not only a very profitable one, but a kind of heir- loom in the family. This gentleman, though large in promise, was tardy in performance ; a habit of inveterate laziness had insensibly crept in on him, and which amounted almost to disease. The good folks in his neighbour- hood used to say of him — " Just let Banky sit still, and bring hia pick to him, and he'll gie a bit flafi*er wi' his wings now and then to keep his nest frae taking fii-e, an' it's a' the same to him if Bona- parte an* a' his men were at Kilmalcolm." To such a degree did the habit gain on our man of discount that he used to say to a confidant — " Man, I wish every moniing as it comes round that I were a dog^ for he has neither to shave his beard nor put on his claes ! " Letter from Literary Bob. My worthy and respected old Maister, If the past services of your late humble and afiectionate loof-licker ever had any merit in your eyes, you will not be displeased if I trouble you with some account of myself, and what has fallen out since that melancholy morning we parted at the door of the " Saluta- tion Inn." As for my new maister, though a wee short in the temper whiles — yet if I may judge from my getting plenty o' sleep and plenty o' play, and .sent to bed every night wi' my middle blown out like a piper's bag, I think he is no ill pleased wi' my dog-service. In S[>eAking o' sleep, you will no doubt think it strange when jov,. 172 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, hear that I pass every night wi' the landlady's cat in my bosom ! — this, considering my former character as a cat-worrier, is without doul3t a wondrous change ; but send either man or beast on their travels, they are sure to pick up something by the way, though it should only be a bit scrap of experience ; and whatever I may have done in time past, it is now my settled conviction that the dog that would fight wi' a cat is the greatest fule that ever ran upon four legs. The fur of the creature is so soft, warm, and kindly, particu- larly to an elderly dog like me, whose coat is getting baith seedy and a little out at the elbows, that I felt as happy the first night as I had been bedded among lamb's- wool ; besides, I discovered that the fleas I had brought with me from Glasgow were as much taken wi' the warmth of pussie's fur as myself, for I observed, in the grey o' the morning, my old lodgers on their march towards what they thought more comfortable quarters. " Step out, ye niggers," thought I to myself, "you're my own blood relations, and why should I prevent you from bettering your situation ? " for I have always thought, maister, that whenever frien's come to regard parting as a mutual advantage the sooner they shake hands the better ; and on this occa- sion I consoled myself with the reflection that, though in future 1 might not keep so much company about me, I would, feel more easy in my personal circumstances. ' As for Mrs. Puss, I saw her during the day very busy among the new-comers, and licking hei-sel' frae neck to heel ; for cats, like some o' the human species, hae a wonderful deal of kindness and attention to bestow upon themselves when anything happens to be the matter. In respect to myself, I felt so relieved, and so well pleased at what had taken place, that I resolved never again to curl a lip at a cat while my name remained Bob ; that none of the tribe should ever have reason to stick their sharps into any of my tender bits, or ever make my nose a pincushion, as it were, for their nails as long as, by a wag of my tail and a civil lick o' my tongue, I could make their fur a sort of Upper Canada for my superfluous population. But enough about cats ; we'll now, if you please, take a squint at the rabbits. I mentioned that I was just as well oflf for play as I was for sleep ; but my favourite amusement is, when my new maister and I happen to take a stroll among the rabbits that burrow abune Kinfauns. There I trow there is sport to be seen ; then you may see me in full chase, Avith a dozen of these funny-looking creatui'es scudding before me, wi' their fuds cocked up and their lugs slouched, and looking altogether so droll, that he must be an older and a graver dog than I am that can resist having a snap at them, not for the purpose of hurting them, but merely to get a grup o' the absurd, comical-looking tufts they carry behind them, and so pull them out of their holes for a little diversion. These fuds or tufts, I may observe, though the most ludicrous-looking objects about them, they are sure to carry higher than any other part of their body. This want of tact or self-knowledge, however, is not peculiar to our frien's at KinfaunK LETTER FROM LITERARY BOB. 173 Even among men I've seen that such foibles or ludicrous points of character, which their prudence ought to conceal as being most obnoxious to ridicule, are generally the very things which, like the fud of the rabbit, are most flauntingly obtruded on public notice, and in consequence are eagerly snapped at by the waggish observer for the purpose of drawing out the witless owner for the laughter and amusement of the onlookers. I admit, however, that my master always scolded on my returning from ray frolics among the rabbits ; but as I knew that in his professional character he was as fond of having a snap and a laugh at passing absurdities as any one, I thought it was just "sic dog, sic maister;" so, after hearing his lecture, I turned up my snout, and, giving a bark or two by way of reply, I scampered off to chase the swallows along the roadside. Having said so much about rabbits, it will perhaps not be out of place to hae a word or two about dogs. You'll excuse me, my worthy old maister ; but often, when I have heard you and some of your frien's descanting in John Anderson's about oiu- sagacity, I've wondered, within mysel, at the small degree of knowledge you seemed to possess about dogs and dogs' ideas o' things ; and often when you appeared to be forgetting yoursels a' thegither on the subject, I've gotten out frae aneath the table and barked, in order to change the discourse, for fear there might be ony strange dogs within lug-length o' you, who might be whistling through their nose at your expense — a thing which I could not suffer, for I always wished that you and your friends should stand high among my fellow-dogs, as men of great learning and judgment; for to be plain with you, among dogs as among men, every one is known by the company he keeps ; and so particular was I in this matter, that I could name respectable tailors in Glasgow, who would not hesitate to give a man credit for a coat, if they saw him on such a familar footing with me as indicated an acquaintance of some standing. ^ But what often vexed me more than any thing, was, when I heard you expressing astonishment at such trifles, as my being able to tell one man from another, by putting my nose to the calf of his leg ; dear me ! maister, must I tell you, that a dog's nose is like a german flute, the more he practices it, the better acquainted he becomes with its powers, and the various keys and other subtilties of which it is composed ; — but what am I saying 1 Even medical science aided by all the heartless atrocities of Majendie (I si:)eak as a dog), have as yet made but imperfect advances towards a knowledge of its wonderful oi'gauisation. Of this, I must confess, I know as little as the merest puppy in the profession ; but though thus ignorant of the internal construction of a dog's nose, I may be allowed to know something of its caj)abilities, and, in order that you may never again expose yourself in the presence of any dog, in my absence, I will give you a little insight into the matter. To tell a beagle from a bailie, is what any messan can do, without consulting- his nose on the subject ; but to distinguish one well-dressed person from another, or, for iostance, a member of the Idte Town Council 174 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, from one of the present, by merely nosing his calf, is, it seems with you, a very wonderful degree of sagacity. Now nothing, I assure you, is more simple; a man's calf, to us, has always the savour of what he feeds upon ; and our reform councillors being all fed on plain citizen-fare, it produces a kind of general identity to a dog's nose, which would have a very perplexing effect, were it not for the inter- ference or counteraction of the subtilties here alluded to, which lead the more delicate organs on the trace or scent of individuality. Now, the Town Councillors, under the "old order of things," having just retired after a long course of high-feeding, such as venison, green fat, rich pasties, claret, and other fine-flavoured wines, their calves make a veiy different impression on our olfactory nerves, and make it just as easy for us to distinguish the calves that have "left office," from the calves that are " in office," as it would be for you to tell a tallow candle from a scented taper ; ay, and a great deal more so, for believe me, maister, in many cases wisdom on twa legs, is nae match for sagacity on four. Though I must confess, from the system of feeding, which I hear the new councillors have lately resorted to, the scent of their calves may soon approximate to that of their predecessors, in such a way as will go far to puzzle the dogs. You must understand, however, that what I have said, refers only to the dogs of the west ; as for the dogs in this quarter, they are in general a gude-for-naething set of misleered curs, wi' noses as useless for any good purpose, as if they were made of burned cork ; indeed, from their awkwardness, I sometimes think they dinna ken which is the nose-end of themselves, and they jabber our gurry-wurry language wi' such a vile northern accent, that it often fashes me to understand them. They are very uncivil to strange dogs that seem of a better quality than themselves ; but this they learn from their maisters, who think the best way to behave to a stranger, is to look as strange to him as possible. As for me, I've seen few dogs since I came here, that I would be seen smelling a door-cheek wi' in the Trongate of Glasgow, where I've a character to support ; and rather than make myself familiar with such as I see in this place, I prefer, when I have leisure, taking a seat at the door of Mi\ Dewar, a worthy bibliopole, who is considered by our Glasgow friends here, as the sort of D E. of Perth, a man kind and civil to beast and body, and as our ain Professor Brown says, is a good judge of the human countenance, — has a face that looks as broad, free, and hospitable, as if it were an open table. Speaking of the Professor, there is some of his conduct of late that I canna understand verra weel. I see him sometimes when I'm passing, sitting at a muckle wide door, wi' a great big pewter-plate before him, at least four times the size o' ony he was ever iised to, and neither spoon nor spoon-meat within smell o' him. Now, it puzzles me, how a man of his good sense and shining talents, would sit a' day ahint a muckle toom dish, particularly, as I ken nana that deserves sae weel to hae a fu' ane. I have twa-three times gane up the steps, for the purpose of sitting down beside him, to lick his hand« HIGHLAND THIEVES. 175 by way of keeping up his spirits, and sympathising with him, on what to one of his social disposition cannot but be a dee]) affliction ; but he either mistakes my intention, or thinks that twa are ower mony to sit a toom plate, however big it may be, for as soon as he sees me, he puts down his brows and taks up his stick, wi' such a look of deter- mined ill-nature, that I'm glad to keep my sympathy to mysel' and trot on my way in peace. Now, maister, I'll conclude my long letter with a word about my own affairs. When you and my new governor were talking on the North Inch, I overheard you speaking about buying me a brass collar ; now this would just be throwing awa' gude siller, for really I've as little need o' a brass collar as your sark has for a side pouch, or a Hoganfield goose has for a cork jacket ; besides, a' tlie dogs would be makin' a fool of me, and crying " there goes literary Bob as braw's Petticraw's bull when he got his cloots gilded." Consider, maister, what a snarling pack I hae to deal wi', and dinna mak' a weel-tried frien' a laughing-stock in his auld days ; besides, wi' a collar about my neck, I couldna get sae cleverly at the fleas ; and as ye ken there is nae scarcity o' vermin about this place, strangere require to be on the alert to keep their ain wi' them, so, between you and me, a set o' new teeth would be of more use than a dozen brass collars : just let me have fair play with the enemy, and I will keep them in as good order as ever. Wishing you may be always able to tak your frien's by the hand, and your foes by the upper-lip, for these are twa o' the best grups I ken, — the one is familiar to you, and the other has often afforded me baith safety and satisfaction, — I remain, your humble and devoted loof-licker, Bob. Highland Thieves. DuGALD M'Caul was a professed thief in the Highlands, and some- times took young lads into his service as apprentices to the same business. With one of these hopeful youths, who had recently engaged with him, he agreed one night to proceed upon an excursion ; the apprentice to steal a wedder, and Dugald himself to steal kale. It was also agreed that they should, after being in possession of their booty, meet in the kirk-yai-d, where they were pretty sure of not being molested, as it got the name of being haunted by a ghost. Dugald, as may well be supposed, arrived first at the place of rendezvous, and, sitting on a grave-stone, amused himself with eating kale-custocks until the apprentice should arrive with the wedder. In a neigh- bouring farm house, a cripple tailor happened to be at work, and the conversation having turned upon the story of the kirk-yard being haunted, the tailor boldly censured some young men present for not having the courage to go and speak to the supposed apparition, add- ing, that if he had the use of his limbs, he would have no hesitation in doing it himself. One of the young men, nettled at the tailor's remarks, proposed taking the tailor on his back to the kirk-yard; and, as the tailor could not well recede from what he had said, off they went. The moment they entered the kirk-yard Dugald M'Oaul saw 176 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, theui, and thinking it was the apprentice with a wedder on his back,, he said, in a low tone of voice, as they approached him, " Is he fat ? " " Whether he be fat or lean," cried the young man, " thex'e he is to ye ; " and throwing down the tailor, ran off as hard as he could. On entering the farm-house, to his utter astonishment, he found the tailor close at his heels ; intense fear having supplied him with the long-lost use of his limbs, which, it is said, he retained ever after. A Scotch Mason. The late Mr. Douglas of Cavers, in Roxburghshire, one day walked into Cavers churchyard, where he saw a stone-mason busily engaged in carving an angel upon a grave-stone. Observing that the man was adorning the heavenly spirit, according to the costume of the age, with a grand flowing periwig, Mr. Douglas exclaimed to him, " In the name of wonder, who ever saw an angel with a wig ? " " And, in the name of wonder," answered the sculptoi", " wha ever saw an angel without ane ? " A Convenient Jail. Some time ago one of the bailies, while visiting the jail of Lanark, found the prisoners at the time to consist of a poacher, who chose to reside there in preference to paying a fine, and a wild Irishman for fire-raising, who either was mad or pretended to be so. The first visited was the poacher — "Weel, Jock," said the magistrate, " I hope ye hae naething to complain o' your treatment here ? " — '* Naething but the noise that Irishman makes. I havena slept for the last twa nights, and I maun just tell ye, bailie, that if ye dinna fin' means to keep him quiet, I'll stay nae langer in ! " .-* Facetious Chambermaid. " Tell your mistress that I have torn the curtain," ssdd a gentle- man to a domestic of his lodging-house. " Very well, sir; mistress will put it down to the rent." Smelling Strong of the Shop. A COMMERCIAL traveller from a great Dyeing-house in Glasgow wrote from Germany to his employers — " Elberfeldt is a most beauti- ful valley, and has evidently been intended by Providence for Turkey- red yarn dyeing establishments." Sea-Bathing Extraordinary. An honest shawl manufacturer from the Sneddon, whose travels before this summer had never extended beyond Dumbuck, or, at farthest, Dumbarton, seriously bethought himself of repaii'ing to the coast for the twofold purpose of bettering his health and at the same time of gratifying his curiosity by a sight of the Regatta. Largs, he had indeed heard, was nae better than it should be, and that the honest folks there thought nae mair of taking a sail on the Sabbath- SEA-BATHING EXTRAORDINARY. 177 day than he would do of taking a web out of the loom on a Saturday ; yet all agreed it was a bonny spot, and he had therefore made up his mind to journey thither, deeming it of little importance who or Avhat they were, or what they did. So resolved, Willie Walkinshaw stepped on board the Gleniffer, at the " Water-neb," and in due course of time arrived at Largs, where he soon succeeded in taking " a bit sma' room for the douking." The weather being extremely hot, honest man ! he thought it advisable to lose no time in carrying into effect his long premeditated design of dipping ; and for this purpose " daunered awa' by the fisherman's hut," where he soon came to a place that he thought, from the " sma'ness o' the chuckystanes, would do remarkably weel." For fear of accidents, however (for he had never been in the sea before), Willie used the precaution of taking soundings with his stick, and the water was anything but deep ; he tried the temperature of it with his hand, and he declared " in a' his born days he had never felt water sae het before." These prelimi- naries being settled, off went coat, waistcoat, trowsers, and shirt ; and thesalt-water was just about to receive a dark, dirt-bebarkened-looking figure, that had never before felt its purifying and refreshing influence, when a shriek, and a shout, and a short prayer from the wabster, announced that the sea has bubbles as the land has, " and that is of tliem." This was no time, however, for moralising or dramatising — off hirpled Willie with all convenient speed, his hat on his head, and his " claes " under his arm, and never once looking round, until he conceived himself out of all possibility of danger. There the clothes were hurried on — thence Willie hurried off — never was a poor being so teiTor-struck, or so truly thankful on arriving safe at his own door- step. " Weel, Willie," was the landlady's salutation, *' hae ye been in the water 1 My troth ye havena been lang about it ! It's the like o' you should come to the salt-water ; biit, wae's me, man, ye look frightened like — what's the matter 1 what's wrang ? what's wrang ? " " What's wrang ! " responded the knight of the treadles, " ye'se ne'er catch me douking again at Largs — it's no chancy — do ye ken I was just going to make an awfu' plunge in, when a head as black as a sing't sheep's head, covered wi' short woolly hair, and wi' teeth as white as the driven snaw, appeared aboon the water, girning at me — hech me, I'm a' shaking when I think o't — thinks I, there's nae wonder the water's het when ye're here. Sae aff I ran, and how I The Route Home. The two young Northerns in the preceding anecdote, who had a decided predilection for a land instead of a sea passage, were over- heard one day in the act of leaning over the bulwarks of the vessel, when the Glenbervie was making her way through a sea placid as ^lass, arranging about the best route home — '• What I mean to do, Jock, is this : whan I mak' siller, and gaun hame again, is just to gang up through Aniei'ica — haudin aye north till I come to Hudson's Bay, and then cross the Ferry to John O'Groat's, when I may say I'm at my ain door." " Waesuck, man ! is that a' ye ken about the place we're gaun to? — itdisna lie that airt ava — Demerara's an island on the Continent ; and Ave hae naething mair to do than just to step our wa's doun through Spain, and France, and Portingal, and in through the back o' Ireland — syne east to Donaghadee — and we hae a shorter ferry to cross there, than frae Hudson's Bay to John O'Groat's." Popular Preaching. No exhibition of a public nature is so offensive or unbecoming, as showing off in the pulpit. "It is," as Dr. Chalmers said, in his first sermon in the Tron Church, Glasgow, " a sight that might make angela I.S6 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, weep to see your clerical coxcombs come strutting hot from the schools of philosophy, vapouring before their Maker ; " and yet, what pleases and sets a-gape the mob members of our churches, both in Establish- ment and Dissent, mox^e than flash — roaring, as if the lungs of the si)eaker had undergone the process of tanning. These are your members who value the vegetable from the breadth of its leaf, and to whom the cabbage is the most valuable of plants. Two persons of this class went into a church in Leith one evening, to hear sermon ; on coming out, the discoui-se that they had been hearing, of cour.se, became the subject of ren-*,rk, " He's a gey frail chiel that ; hech but he's feckless." " Man," said the other, " ye hae hit it ; poor man, he canna put his licht under a bushel, for he has nane to put there." And who, reader, was the preacher ? Dr. Gordon ! A country woman, whilst on a visit to a large manufacturing town in the west, went to hear a celebrated divine, whose field of labour lay thei'e, and whose fame had often been sounded in the ears of the worthy dame. On her return, she was asked her opinion of " The star of the west," as he is often called. "Oh," said she, "he's a wonderfu' preacher — a great preacher." " Well, well, that's all true," said the other, " but what do you think of his views of doctrinal points, and his powers of expounding the scriptures 1 " " Oh," said the worthy critic, " I dinna ken ; but he's just a wonderfu' man." " But what did he say ]" '* Oh, he just gaed on, and gaed on, and chappit on the Bible, and raised his twa hands abune his head, and then gaed on again, and gaed on again, and then he swat and rubbit his brow, and whan he stoppit, he looked as if he could have said mair than whan he began — oh, he's a wonderfu' grand preacher ! " A Scotch Beggar. Rab Hamilton was a i-egular Scotchman in his manner of address — moving round the object instead of making directly towai'ds it. rather looking away from than at it, yet keeping a corner of his eye distinctly on it. If he happened to be in the presence of gentlemen who often invited him to take a dram, for the purpose of drawing him out, he would pretend to hear silver fall on the floor. " What's tat — deed is't — surely it was the jingling sound o' a shilling on the carpet — as sure's death, deed is't ; but I dinna see't on the carpet — no — but ye can just gie me anither — I'm saying, deed is't and you'll get it yoursel' after I'm awa." Courting for Cake and Pudding. Rab Hamilton was on regular visiting terms with the Meg Dodses of Kilmarnock, and never failed to become due in his calls, at times when fragments from the dinner table were likely to be had. One day Rab was coming out the entry from a gentleman's house, loaded with unpicked bones, when a dog was attracted to the spoil, and addressed his petition to Rab for a share, with lick-lip language and fond looks, enforced by appropriate gesture of the tail ; but Rab was- THE CHURCH IN DANGER. 187 inexorable, " Na, na," said Eab, " gae awa and court the cook as. I did." The Church in Danger. The mode of levying fines on offendet-s against the laws of the church, in some of the Highland parochial districts consists in the exaction of a certain amount of manual labour in proportion to the aggravation of the ofl'ence. The kind of labour generally imposed, is the keeping the roofs of church and manse weather-proof, by means of thatch, consisting of heather ; and the quantity required to be furnished is graduated according to the nature of the offence, and the distance of the olTender's residence from the church. In one of the more remote districts of the Western Highlands the punishment wa* changed, and money substituted ; this, however, was soon found to be no improvement upon the former system, as it neither diminished crime, nor augmented the exchequer of the church. The roof of the building was consequently allowed to fall into disrepair, the rain entering at different places. One day, in particular, a very heavy drop had found its way through, directly over the head of the minister, to the great annoyance of his reverence, who, at the conclusion of his sermon, intimated a meeting of Session [office-bearers in the church], to be held after the dismissal of the congregation, on particular matters. The Session being duly constituted, the moderator introduced the business thus : — " My brethren, ever since the new law came into the parish there has been as much offence against our church as ever; and, moreover, the house itself is all coming down with wet, and nothing can be got by tine to keep it in repair — my ov/n Bible this very day is almost destroyed. I have tried to get the land- lords in the parish to repair our church, but every one of them says his neighbour ought to do it, and no one ever does it. Now, I'll just lay the matter before you, and hear what you'll say." "Very well, minister," said a member of Session, " it was always my opinion of your new law that it would come to this ; and nothing but the law as it was before will do ; and I move now, that it is to be as it was." Other three members, being all that were pi'esent, concurred with the mover, the old practice was foi'thwith ordered to be restored, and the deliverance of the court to that effect, given to the beadle, with instructions to intimate the same at the dismissal of the congregation on the following Sabbath. When the appointed time came, John took up his station at the outside of the gateway to the church-yard, and sounded his bell — ling tal ling — tal ling, tal ling — lingle lingle, ling tal ling : — " This is to let you all give notice, that the church is going to ruin and desperation since ever the new law was made, and that from this time future, and for ever, all sin, abomination^ impudence, or any thing whatever, against the rule of our own church- to be shust as it was before, and the church do well, and no change nc> more now, at the auld price, shust one or more backfuls of heather, and theck them yourself." 188 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Notice to Highland Customers. The foUowiug intimation was some time ago copied by the writer, from a placard on the walls of the lobby of the inn at the head ot Loch-Suinart, " ^Notice — No person will get credit for whisky, in thia house, but those that pay money down." Epitaph in a Church-Yard in Inverness-shire. " Here lies below poor old Coghead, As passing by some one may say ; His constant maxim he did ever prove — An honest man's the noblest work of God. It was not himself, but his son, that raised this monument to his imemory." Coquetting Extraordinary. Some little time ago, a pair of turtles, seemingly anxious to become lanited in the siken bands of wedlock, made their appearance before one of the city clergymen in Glasgow, who, finding the requisite certificates all right, proceeded with the ceremony till he came to that part of it where the question is put to the bridegroom, if he " is willing to take this woman to be his wife ? " To this necessary query the man, after a considerable hesitation, answei-ed, " No." " No ! " said the minister, with a look of surprise, " for what reason 1 " *' Just," said the poor embarrassed simpleton, looking round for the door, " because I've ta'en a scunner [disgust] at her." On this, the ceremony, to the evident mortification of the fair one, was broken ofi^, and the parties retired. A few days after, however, they again pre- sented themselves before his reverence ; and the fastidious bridegroom having declared that he had got over his objection, the ceremony was again commenced, and proceeded without interrup- tion till a question similar to the above was put to the bride, when she in her turn replied by a negative. " What is the meaning of all this ? " said the clergyman, evidently displeased at the foolish trifling of the parties. " Oh naething ava," said the blushing damsel, tossing her head with an air of resentment, " only I've just ta'en a scunner at him!" The two again retired to their lonely pillows; and lonely it would seem they had found them, for the reverend gentleman, on coming out of his house the following morning, met the foolish couple once more on their way to solicit his services. " It's a' made up noo," said the smiling fair one. " Oh yes," said her intended, " it's a' settled noo, and we want you to marry us as soon as possible." " I will do no such thing," was the grave and startling reply to the impatient request. "What fori" cried the fickle pair, speaking together in a tone of mingled surprise and dis- appointment. *' Oh naething ava," said his Reverence, passing on his way, " but I've just ta'en a scunner at ye baith." A DISCONSOLATE WIDOW. 189 A Disconsolate Widow. A CERTAIN couple had trudged on together in the pilgrimage of life for about a quarter of a century ; but Ellie, the weaker vessel, instead of being a helpmeet for her husband, was cross-grained, and always seated herself on the cross-benches when any domestic bill was brought iu by the head of the house ; even in the uphill pulls of life she was apt to put on " the drag " on the laudable exertions of John. The connection at last was abruptly terminated by John's death, who was drx)wned in attempting to cross a ford when the river was swollen. The wife, as may be conceived, was inconsolable, and went to hei father, a crusty old cake as ever was fired in the oven of social life. *' Father, my man's drowned ! John's dead ! and I'll never marry again in this world, never, oh me ! " " Saf us ! " quoth old crusty, •' wilt thou no baud thy tongue? — you're unco soon thinking about it — wha's seeking thee ] " Self-Righteousness Reproved. The late Dr. Risk of Dalserf was no less celebrated for his solid learning than for his urbanity and ready wit ; but being one of the moderates, as they are termed, some of the evangelical portion of his congregation were not altogether satisfied with his exhibitions in the pulpit ; and accordingly a meeting was called, with the view of con- versing with their venerable pastor, and remonstrating with him on the subject. For this purpose, two or three, considered as qualified judges, were deputed from the whole body. The night on which they came t» the manse happened to be one of the most wet and stormy which had been witnessed during the whole season. When the rap was heard at the door the minister, having been previously apprised of their intention, went to meet them himself, but at the same time took care not to permit them to enter. 'The first congratulations having passed, the reverend doctor asked what they might be wanting with him. They said that they had "come to converse with him." *' Upon what subject?" said the doctor. "About your preaching, sir," was the reply. *' About my preaching ! what have you to do with my preaching ? " " Why, sir, we think ye dinna tell us enough. about renouncing our ain righteousness," " Renouncing your ain righteousness ! " said the doctor ; " I never saw any ye had to renounce." A Member of Session. The same rev. gentleman would never submit to the dicta of a Session, and, accordingly, represented and discharged all the duties of minister and elder in his own person. On a certain occasion he was riding from home, and was unwittingly followed by a bull stirk, which kept close by the heels of his horse. A countryman, noticing the circumstance, slyly observed, as the minister was passing him — *' I'm thinking ye'U be gaun to the Presbytery to-day, sir ? " " What makes you think that ? " replied the doctor. " Just because ye has got your ruling elder ahint ye." 190 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Much between the Cup and the Lip. The noted smuggling of brandy, and other exciseable commodities, quaintly termed the " running trade," which arose on the union of the two kingdoms, in the beginning of the last century, was long a source of keen and paramount pursuit on the western shores of Scot- land. This adventurous traffic, carried on through the singular immunities of the Isle of Man, was calculated in no ordinary degree to elicit many of the deeper energies of those engaged in it, as well as to produce scenes of the most ludicrous and grotesque natui-e in their unceasing warfare with the guardians of the public revenue. The following seems a happy specimen of the self-possession and intrepid spirit which marked the character of these lawless vagrants of the deep. The sequestered promontory on which the old castle of Portincross stands, a few miles below Largs, was, it seems, their favourite resort, and the neighbouring inhabitants were of course generally interested in the trade ; many of them being fishers were employed in the winter season with their boats by the " Manx dealers " to bring over " gear." One of these boatmen returning with his cargo under cover of night was quietly approaching the rock when he perceived some individuals standing whom he conceived to be his friends on the look-out to aid him : under this impression he rather hastily threw them a rope to take hold of. No sooner, how- ever, had he done so than he perceived his untoward mistake — it was the Exciseman himself who had secured the prize ! The two were well known to each other, and the officer, conceiving himself sure of his game, ironically exclaimed — " Weel, Johnny, I trow I hae gotten thee now." But Johnny, with a presence of mind which the vain- glorious ganger was by no means prepared for, instantly cut the rope, and, pushing off, dryly retorted — " Na, na, Mr. Muir, ye hae gotten the tether, but ye hae na gotten the cow yet." An Irish Debt. TuE late Sir Walter Scott, meeting an Irish beggar in the street, "who importuned him for sixpence, the then Great Unknown, not having one, gave him a shilling, adding, with a laugh — " Now, iemember you owe me sixpence." " Och, sure enough," said the beggar, " and God grant you may live till I pay you." Paying in Coin. A PEDLAR halted at a public-house in the country, and at the land- lady's request displayed nearly every article in his pack for her examination. This he did cheerfully, expecting that a large purchase would be made. On inquiring what article the landlady would like to buy, she coolly replied — " Hoot, I dinna want to buy ony thing ; I merely wanted a sight o' them." " I'm sorry ye'll no buy," said the pedlar, " but never mind, let's see half-a-mutchkin o' your best v/hisky." The stoup was instantly filled, and a voluntary piece of HIGHLAND ACCOMMODATION. 191 oatfen cake placed beside it on the server. The pedlar kept warming himself at a brisk fire, and crumping the gratis cakes, while the land- lady was allowed in courtesy to help herself and some female gossips wiio had also been inspectors of the pack to a tasting of the blue; having drunk his health and guid sale to him, she filled up the glass and handed it to him. " Na, na," said he, " I want nane o' your whisky ; I only asked ye for a sight o't ! " — so saying, he tightened his strap, and set off" on the tramp. Highland Accommodation. A WORTHY old Highlander went to his minister one night in great •anxiety, and wished the man of consolation to come and see his wife, whom he represented as just at the point of death. The clergyman happened to be engaged with some friends, and told Donald that he could not get away at present, but that he would see Janet as early as possible next morning. " Very well," said Donald, " I'll just go home and tell Janet that she must not die before you come ! " The Letter of the Law. The manse of Gargunnock, some half-century ago, was " weel kent amang the members o' the Presbytery to hae a' the guid things o' the season on the dinner-table upon Sacramental occasions," as Samuel Shool, the bellman, used to boast; and the neighbours believed Samuel, for he generally came in for a due share o' " what was left," from the generous-hearted mistress of the manse, on the Tuesday after the preachings. Honest Samuel was fond of i-elating any thing to the credit of his benefactress in the manse : — " I mind," said he, on one occasion, "ae Sabbath morning at the summer preachings, mair than thirty years sin', — a sad pickle that the mistress was in because Betty M'Quat had forgotten to howk some early potatoes on the Saturday night, for potatoes were a great rarity at the time — what was to be done ? Betty was like to gae through the yirth about it; a)id quo' she, ' Mistress, I'll just take the gi-ape and slip out and howk a wheen — naebody will ken ; and gif it come to the minister's hearing, I'll take the sin and blame o't on mysel.' ' Na, na, Betty, since I maun hae the rarity at the dinner this day, just gang awa out and pouter a few frae the roots o' the shaws wi' your hands — take nae graip wi' ye — use nae warkloom made by the hand o' man on the Day o' Rest ; gif the minister sets on me about it, I'll just tell him that we only pouter'd them out the drill, there wasna a graip shank in the hand o' ony body about the house — sui-ely a body may use their fingei"s with- out being found fau't wi'.' " Logan and the Ayr Volunteers. At the time of the threatened invasion, when every little hamlet in the country was furnishing its quota of volunteers, a certain warlike Bailie met Logan in Ayr, and asked him why he was not exerting 103 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, himself to rouse the people of Cumnock to become volunteers. " JSTe'ec fash your thumb, Bailie," said the Laird, " there will be nae scarcity o' volunteers at Cumnock, for if the French was ance landed at Ayr •we'll hae you and mae o' your volunteers up amang us than we'll ken. how to gie hidings to." Kilmarnock Thieves. During the time Wombwell was exhibiting his extensive and varied collection of live stock to the natives of Kilmarnock some of the bird- fanciers of the place had taken a fancy to a lot of Chinese sparrows, which they soon managed to purloin from the very centre of the exhibition with a dexterity scarcely to be excelled by the most expert family men of the metropolis. Wombwell, after hearing the circum- stance, was lamenting the loss to big Joe, one of his confidential assistants, and asking his advice. " My advice, master," said Joe. " is to get away from a town as soon as possible where the incoming."^ will not pay the outgoings ; and after what has happened, I should not wonder if such fellows would make off with the elephant's trunk, or pick the kangaroo's pocket of her whole family." A Cheap Wife. A WEAVER from Elderslie, happening lately to be in a public-house in Johnstone, an English tradesman was present, who was boasting to another person that he had got quit of his wife by selling her at Smithfield, and seemed happy at the good bargain he had made. The weaver, tickled at the recital, was cuiious to know the price he had i-eceived for his wife. " Weel, frien', an' how muckle michtye get for her — gif it be a fair question 1" "A pot of beer ! " " Hech, man ! she has been unco little worth, or ye hae been verra dry at the time." A Highland Wonder. One day two Highland drovers, while travelling to Paisley, were overtaken by one of the steam-carriages then plying in that direction. The Celts, who had never either seen or heard of carriages being im- pelled by any other power than horse, stood lost in wonderment for a time. " Pless me, Dougal, did you ever saw the likes o' that pefore — there is ta coach rin awa frae ta horse 1 — Run, run, Dougal, like a good lad and frecht him back." Changed Times. Will Speir once went into a house of a clergyman in Beith famed as a skilful performer on the violin, and hearing the minister playing on the fiddle, Will began to dance, and continued in his own un- measured style, till the clergyman was fairly tired. The practical commentator on cat-gut gave Will a shilling. " Hech," says Will, *'thi3 worl' is uncolie chang't, for in my young days the dancers aye pay't the fiddler." A BROTH OF A BOY. I93 A Broth of a Boy. Ludicrous instances of the mal-apropos have sometimes followed the sudden elevation, foi' a temporary emergency, of scullion boys, to the high and haughty dignity of the full-blown footman. One who had recently been a herd-boy at a farm-house, and knew no other society all his days than that of the hinds, was once metamorphosed in this manner, in order to add to the state with which a leather dignified company was to be received. It is a custom in Scotland, when a hind or farm-servant is taking his ordinary dinner of broth and beef, to begin and end with broth ; the second application of that luxnry being looked upon as a kind of dessert. At the conclusion of a stiffish dinner our peasant hero, remembering the approved custom of his former associates, came up with a tureen within his left arm and a divider in his right hand, and forcing within the line of the company, said, in all the breath of his common speech, " Sirs, will ony o' ye tak' a pickle mae kail 1 " The Traveller Nonplussed. Captain Basil Hall, whose written stories have charmed all who have read them, was one day endeavouring to enliven a remarkably stiff and dull dinner party by a few oral relations of the same kind. He concluded one of a very extraordinaiy character by saying, " Did you ever hear any story so wonderful as that 1 " and at the same moment his eye chanced to rest on a foot-boy opposite to him, who, without leaving a moment of interval, exclaimed, *' Yes, man, there's a lass i' our kitchen that kens a lass that has twa thooma on ae hand!" A Word of Caution, The Rev. Mr. L. of E., in going the rounds of his pai-ish, accom- panied by the elder of the district, called on a kind of half-conscien- tious Sawney, who, when asked if he kept wor.ship in his family morning and evening, equivocated thus : " Ye see, Sir, I'm often awa frae hame — I maun be aff in the morning before the weans are out o' their bed, and when I come hame at night they're a' skepit again — and I maun say, sir, deed maun I, that its maistly on Sundays." " But, John, you must surely be sometimes present with your family both ends of the day, and I hope on those occasions you do not omit the performance of this duty 1 " John, who could not afford to tell a lie, although he could omit the duty, still waived the question. " Ay, it's a' ti'ue, very true, sir, but really ye see, sir, as I was saying afore — I maun say — its maistly on Sundays." The next person visited was an Ii'ishman, who did or did not everything, positive and negative, as he thought miglit please his Reverence. " Do you read portions of Scripture, morning and evening, to your family ? " " Yes, sir." " Do you inquire whether they understand what you have read to them ? " " Yes, sir." " And you never omit family woi"ship morning or night 1" " Never, sir." This was all beautiful to Mr. L.. V-ut the 1.^ 194 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, elder knew the world rather better ; and, after leaving the house, he remarked, " Weel, sir, if ye dinna see ony difference between these twa men that ye hae visited, I do. The first canna tell ye a lie, though he would let you gang awa believing ane : the ither is every- thing, according to himsel, that ye could wish ; now, to my certain knowledge, the Bible and he seldom shake hands thegither, though he says otherwise to you ; glib i' the tongue is aye glaiket at the heart ; thae Paddies are no to ride the ford on — neither is our ain kintra folk, wha hae mae hums and ha's than usual — I wouldna speer owre mony questions ; just caution them weel." Church-Going. An old man, who had walked every Sunday for many years, from Newhaven to Edinburgh, to attend the late Dr. Jones' church was complimented by that venerable clergyman, for the length and regularity of his appearance in church. The old man unconsciously evinced how little he deserved the compliment, by this reply. " Deed, sir, its very true ; but aboon a', I like to hear the sugh and jingling o' the bells, and see a' the braw folk." The Best of Things may be Abused. At a soiree got up by one of the churches in Glasgow, which, by late Act of General Assembly has acquired parochial honours, the band belonging to the dragoons then quartered in Glasgow barracks was employed on the occasion. An old lady remarked, with some degree of nervous tremor, that " The Kirk, as hitherto connected wi* the State, had been of great benefit to mony a ane ; but really, bringing a sodgers'-band, with their brass trumpets, and bass drums, and skirling flutes and fifes, to their help, is gaun o'er the score a* thegither.** Burns and the Glasgow Booksellers. The late John Smith, bookseller, long the father of " The Trade," as the booksellers par eminence are called, was employed by Bums to distribute copies of his first published volume to subscribers, and to receive payment. Mr. S., when adjusting the account with the poet, would only accept of five per cent, commission for his trouble. Bums, struck at the moderation, observed, *' Ye seem to be a very decent sort o' folk, you Glasgow booksellers ; but eh, they're sair birkies in Embro'." Auricular Translation. During the reform mania, a person in a news-room at Beith read aloud, for the general benefit, an article in which the value of the franchise was strongly and repeatedly insisted on. This word he pro- nounced fransheese, which one of the quidnuncs, who was ignorant of the term, mistook for French cheese. His national pride being offended by the supposed preference given to the foreign commodity. A PRACTICAL REMARK. 195 he exclaimed, "They has a puir taste, that say sae muckle about fusionless French cheese ; I wadna gie ane 0' our ain Dunlap kebbucks for a hail cart-load o' them." A Practical Remark. An eccentric old gentleman in Paisley, having had a tea party (but whether it was what is called in St. Mirren's, "a tousy tea," — butcher wares to the bread, as well as the produce of the dairy — does not concern the reader), his servant, in removing the tea equipage, let the tray fall, by which much of it was broken. Her master having rebuked her, she assured him it was in vain to find fault with her on account of the accident, for " if it had not been fore-ordeened, it would not hae cor*o to pass." " That was fore-ordeened too, then," replied he, lending her a hearty slap on the haifets. Cockneys from Home. Two cockneys, fresh fi'om the academic bowers of Eton, and no doubt regarding themselves as prodigies of learning, had found their ■vvay to the " west countrie," and considering everything they saw as a fit subject for their ridicule, thus accosted a plain, unobtrusive sort of person, whom they met : " Ah ! Mr. what's your name 1 — we have travelled thus far from Eton, in search of anything that may be good or grand in this here country of yours, but we have met with nothing but what we have got at home in much higher perfection. Your hills, and your rivers, and what not, seem to breathe little of Arcadia, and one would require a second Ariadne to supply him with a clue to guide him through your interminable labyrinth of hills, and dales, and so forth." "True," said the man in reply, "we have little here to boast of that you have not also in the south. One thing, however, we possess, which it is very evident you want." " Pray, what may it be?" " We seem, since you are a scholar, to have a sense more." " What may it be called ? We see, we hear, we taste, we touch, we smell — what other sense than these have you 1 " "We have common sense — a thing that you seem lamentably deficient in." A Friend at Table. A BOY, educated to take care of cattle, got admission into a gentle- man's family, for the pui-pose of waiting table, and other " odds and ends," where only one male servant was kept, after being rigged out, not exactly in livery, but in the less ostentatious dress of a sharp- shooter — he was put to hand round bread to a sober supper of eggs ; when, observing a gentleman of the company, who was a stranger, help himself to a bit of oaten cake, the dapper little waiter, either in the simplicity of his hospitality, or judging that where there was suck a choice, there could be no difficulty of deciding — nidged the gentle- man's shoulder with the bread-basket, and whispered, " Tak' a bit laif to your egg, man." 196 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Learned Commentators. In the neighbourhood of Kilbarchan there lived two men, father and son, weavers by trade, and sole inhabitants of the tenement. For years they had made family worship before going to bed, the old man praying, and the son reading the chapter. One night, the son was reading from the twelfth chapter of Revelations, — " another wonder in heaven, a great Dragoon." " Stop, Hughock," says the father, " thou's wrong — it's no a dragoon, it's a dragon." " Wha should ken best," quo' Hughock, "when I hae the beuk afore me'?" "I'm no heeding about that I've read it fifty times, and I'm richt ; dear me, Hughock, did thou ever hear o' a di-agoon being in that guid place? I ne'er did." "Ay, ay, father; but this is a won'er though." " Weel, weel, read awa, Hughock ; it couldna be ony o' Clavers' bloody troopers at ony rate." National Partiality. A GOOD old lady, who lived in the town of Greenock, and who had been born, brought up, and educated thei'e, but who had never travelled beyond the precincts of Crawford's Dyke (the limit, we believe, of Greenock royalty), and who consequently had her knowledge of the great world without through the medium of newspapers and the rela- tions of friends. She usually read the newspapers from beginning to *' Published by," &c. ; and noticing the constant recurrence of scenes of iniquity reported at Mary-le-Bonne, remarked, " She maun be an awfu' limmer that Maiy-le-Bonne — she's ta'en to the police ofiice, I'm sure, at least ance a-week ; can they no put her in limbo, and keep her frae ae towmond's end to the other 1 She canna be frae our kintra, it's sic an out-o'-the-warld name that she has ; she'll be some o' your blackguard Irishei's, I'se warrant ! " A Sacrifice for Conscience. One of the tradesmen employed at the erection of the Unitarian chapel in Glasgow went into an ironmonger's shop to make a purchase of single-flooi'ing nails for the wood- work ; and having paid and got delivery of the nails, the shopman, struck at the quantity wanted, inquired, " wharto are ye gaun to drive a' thae nails, man ? — they micht sail" ane o' the town-kirks." "An' they're just for a kirk! though no ane o' the town anes." " Maybe ane o' our meeting- Louses ? " " They are for the wood-work of the Unitarian chapel." *' Say ye sael " said the man of metal, " and had ye the impudence, sm' I maun say sae, to try to get them frae me ! — there's your siller to you, an' gi'e me back my nails. I'll no sell a pin to prop up the tabernacle o' Satan ! " Logan and an English Jockey. A WELL-KNOWN jockey from the south, higgling one day with Logan about the pi!irchase of a horse, inquired, among other mattei's, if he was " honest " — a phrase, we believe, pretty well understood on the SOUND NOT AN ECHO. i97 tarf. To this query a satisfactory answer being gi^-en, an agreement was made, and the purchaser rode oflf apparently well pleased with his bargain : it was not long, however, before he returned in a towering ])assion, charging the Laird with having imposed upon him. " What is the matter ? " said Logan coolly. " Matter ! " cried the other, " why, you told me it was an honest horse I had bought, and I had scarcely gone a mile till he began to stumble and stumble, and at last down he came smack on the road ; now, do you call that an honest horse 1 " " Indeed I do," said our Laird, gravely, " the horse often threatened to come down with me, and I was sure he would keep his word some time or other ; now, man or beast that keep their words," continued he, smiling in the face of his enraged customer, " I do not •see what else you can ca' them than honest. Oh ! depend upon it, sir, the horse is an honest horse." Sound not an Echo to the Sense. A NATIVE of the kingdom of Fife, while on a visit to a friend in London, who was one of the directors of the Cutlers' Company, was requested to accompany his friend to the annual dinner, given by the members to the president and directors. After the list of toasts was exhausted, and the set of songs of the evening performed, the di-aft was made on the guests for volunteers, and the man from Torryburn had to exhibit in turn. " Clean peas' strae " was the selection made, and after the concluding lines of the chorus — Sae lassie tak the lad ye like, Whate'er your niinnie say ; Though ye should cuddle down at e'en 'Mang clean peas' strae — the chairman, apprehending the term cuddle to be the Scotch synonyme for cuttle, " returned thanks to his friend from the north for the excellent song that he had composed and sung so admirably in honour of the Cutlers' Company ! " A Short Fan. The late benevolent David Dale, who was a man of short stature, and, as the Highlanders say, as " proad as he was narrow," on enter- ing his counting-house one frosty morning, complained of the state of the streets, and mentioned that he had " fallen a' his length." " And ■what o' that, sir 1 " remarked an old bookkeeper (the Mr. Owen of our Scotch Osbaldistone), "I'm sure a gentleman o' your height couldna fa' ony great length." "Ay, but I cam doun on the sma' o' my back," said the benevolent old Mr. Dale. Queried the book- keeper, in striking the fiscal balance, " Can ye tell me whar that part o' your back is, Sir ■? " Rank at its Value. Many were the rencounters between Will Speir and the Earl of Eglinton, who condescended to familiarity with him, and in return 198 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. allowed the same latitude of expression to the wayward Will. The vagrant one day made a demand on his Lordship for a Ijottle of ale. " Deed, Will, gin ye kent it," replied the Earl, " I have not a farthing in my pocket just now ; but just gang in there, to Leezie Paterson's and I'll tell her to gi'e ye't, and I'll return in a few minutes and help you to drink it." The Earl, faithful to his promise, returned in a short time, and taking a seat opposite Will, " Ye may be a proud man this day, Will," said his Loi*dship. "An' for whatl" queried the wit " Sitting drinking wi' an Earl." " Hech, hech, man, great cause to be proud, sitting aside an Earl that hasna a bodle in his pouch to bless himsel' wi'." W^ill Speir and the Excisemen. In the neighbourhood of Irvine, some half-ceutuiy ago, a strong trade was carried on in smuggled teas ; and our witty wanderer was often employed, as being less likely to be suspected, to transport chests by back carriage, disguised by fictitious packing. On one occasion, as Will was groaning under one of those loads, and making the best of his way to deposit it as instructed, he came up with two excisemen at the In'ine water, who were leaning over the parapet of the bi'idge. Our wag seemed to quicken his pace on observing them. "What's a' your haste the nicht. Will? — lay down your burden on the ledge o* the brig for a blink and give us your news," said one of them. "I havena far to gang wi' my burden at ony rate," said Will in reply, " and I needna be putting aff and on my burden to risk my rigging wi' laying down and lifting; just bide whar ye are, and I'll be back in a glif and haver a moon wi' ye, gin ye like." Will was allowed to pass on, the excise leeches not insisting on the right of search, and he returned almost immediately. " What ailed ye, Will, that ye wadna rest ye, and ciack wi' us 1 I am sure there was little danger but that the sun would let you see hame ? " " Ah, ha, lads ! " replied the wily Will, " do you think that I hae nae mair sense than to stan' and claver wi' twa gangers and a burden o' smuggled tea on my back." Blank Verse. " Will ye buy this poem o' my ain, sir, that I hae published this morning 1 " said one of those winged bibliopoles that infest our quay, and press their publications on the attention of the passengers on board the steamers. " So," replied the object of attack, " you both make and publish your own works 1 " *' Ony thing ye see, sir, to mak' an honest penny ; and when a body finds out that they hae a talent in ony particular way, are they no right to try to turn't to some account 1 Just buy the production, and convince yoursel' whether I am right or no." " Poetry is no favourite species of read- ing with me — I cannot understand it — it is too sublime for my com- prehension, and I have just to put up with plain prose." " Weel, sir, ye speak like a sensible man : you're just the customer that I like to A HINT TO THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS. 199 meet wi'. You'll find on the perusal o' my poems a fulness of expres- sion about them that you'll no ken but that it's prose you're reading." A Hint to the Self- Righteous. The late Mr. Robertson, of Kilmarnock, had occasion to preach a sermon at the opening of the Associate Synod in Glasgow, which happened about the time that the French nation was spreading its conquests over the Continent, and also threatening the invasion of Great Britain. Some few there were, however, who wrapped them- selves up in fancied security, by laying the flattering unction to their souls, — that the licentious French would never be permitted by Providence to overcome this kingdom, "a nation more righteous than they." " Granting," said he, " that we are a' as guid as thae sort o' folk think, Providence is not nice sometimes in the choice of means for inflicting his vengeance for sin ; ye may take an example frae amang yoursels : — your magistrates dinna ask certificates o' character for their public executioner ; they are generally such a set 0' folk that are selected, as hae rubbit shouthers wi' the gallows themsels." A Family Likeness. A PRIVATE in the dragoons, when quartered in Hamilton, swaggering along the street one day, eloquent by the lubricating influence of the oil of barleycorn, and who thought his tongue as well furbished as the blade at his side, made up to an infirm old woman, who was picking her steps and ^vending towards home, and accosted her, " Well, mother, how are you 1" " Weel aneugh, gin I kent wiia was speerin' for me 1 " " Not know me 1 " " No, really, I dinna ken ye ; maybe, gin ye had on ither claes, I would guess." " Why, I am the devil's sister's son." " Hech, man, but you're far liker your uncle than your mither I " Twa Vera Brithers. Jean Carrick kept a tavern in the capital, from which the kingdom of Kippen takes its name, Jean's house was the meeting- place for all the wet gentry north of the bridge of Frew ; and as sure as Davie Foster the bellman had some roup or strayed calves to cry, did Robin Buchan o' Buchquhapple, and John Percie of Netherknowe, meet on a Simmer Yoes-day o' Kippen, after the fair was over, to com- municate to each other the news " frae their ain town ends." Till the clock struck twelve would these worthies move, and generally by that time they were so completely intoxicated, that they often mistook one another, and answered to each other's names. The threat of Dr. Campbell and his Session, of the denial of baptism, did not deter these worthies from their potations. " Dr. Campbell no baptize your wean, Netherknowe ! — set him up ! just gang to the Port o' Menteith, they're no sae nice there, and you'll get it done without ony trouble." The road home for both lay for some miles in the same direction, so that they " oxtered " each other along, and when the balance inclined 200 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, too much in one direction, tlie othei* opposed an antagonist force to restore the equilibrium ; all this adjustment, however, could not j)revent occasional mistakes. One night in particular, Netherknowe got up to the haunches in a clay ditch, and stuck fast, the tenacious till at the bottom kept hold like glue. Buchquhapple tried one arm, then another — would not move. Netherknowe, like a laired stirk, sat motionless, and gave no aid for his own release : his anxious companion made still another effort by putting a foot on each side of the ditch, in order to have more power, but equally unsuccessful, " An' a sorrow to you, Netherknowe, will ye no try to help yourself — push your feet frae you, man, try to move." " Na, Johnnie, had I no better try to draw my feet to me." " Weel, frae ye or to ye, do something man, I hear a fit comin', we'll be perfectly afiVonted ! " — " Just sit thee down (quo' Patience in mud) Robin, and put thy feet in the gott too, there's great beauty in humility." Robin made another desperate effort to extricate Netherknowe, and not succeeding, abandoned the attempt in utter despair. " Weel," says Robin, " after a' this desperate strussel, it's a frien's part to stick by a frien' in distress — I'll just stick wi' you, Nether- knowe — are ye sure ye hae room for anither besides yoursel 1" " Oh ay, Robin, man, there's room in't, dear laddie, believe me, for twa ; " and down did Robin sit, and plunged his feet in the ditch, and stuck by Netherknowe until some neighbours came up and drew the worthies out of their " Carse boots." A Consultation. The late Lord Auchinleck had several times sunk a shaft, with the expectation of getting coal on his own domains, but in every case had been disappointed ; he at last invited the most experienced of his tenantry to meet together on his grounds, to give their respective opinions as to the most likely place to obtain the mineral in question. The parties met, and proceeded to inspect the places which were most likely to contain the black diamond, when Will Speir also made his appearance, and offered his counsel to his Lordship. Tapping Lord A. on the shoulder. Will began by saying, " May a daft body hae a word o' ye, my lord 1 " •' By all means, Will," " Weel, my lord, you're gaun down for coal are ye ? " *' Yes, Will, I mean to try again, for as often as I have been disappointed." " I was just gaun to say, my lord, sin' you're set on gaun down again, do't in Aird's Moss east by there — gin ye shouldna get coals, ye'll get plenty o' guid peats at ony rate I " The Two Donalds. About the beginning of last century, when taking a craich (i.e. 8poil) was considered as the act of a man of spirit and enterprise, two Highland cheftains laid a wager which of them would turn out, from among his tenantry, the most expert thief. Donald Roy, or Red Donald, was selected by the one, and Donald Gorm, or Blue Donald, JOCK MAIR AND THE LAWYERS. 201 so called from a blue or purple distiguration on one side of his face, was selected by tlie other. These worthies were to range the couiitry for twenty-four hours, and then return to head-quarters and report progress. The district, however, had been too well poached before, and the two marauders came back to their lairds apparently empty- handed. Eoy was the first to begin his report, which he did by lamenting the impoverished state of the country, and finished by declaring his inability to come at anything worth taking. Gorm was now called on, who agreed with his companion that the country was in a very poor state, but still it was not so bad but that a man, if he looked well about him, might yet get something. " And what have you got, Gorm ? " said his chief, delighted with the prospect of gaining his wager. "Nothing but these," said he, holding up a pair of hose. " And where did you get them I " cried Roy. " I just cut them off your plaid, Donald, in the boothie where we slept last night." Roy's chief paid his bet, and was turning the cold shoulder to his unfortunate clansman, when the poor fellow begged to have another trial, and pledged liimself, provided he was allowed to go alone (as Gorm was too cunning for him) to bring home more spoil than his companion. Gorm's chief, elated with the dexterity of his vassal, ofi"ered two to one, which was rather reluctantly accepted by the other. Our heroes again set out on their travels, and Gorm was fortunate enough to get hold of a cow ; this he considered was more than his rival was likely to meet with ; and, afraid of pursuit, made the best of his way home. His conduct, however, had not escaped notice, for, at a dangerous part of the road, a discharge of fire-arms obliged him to scamper off, and leave the cow to her own ruminations. Gorm felt ashamed to face his chief at the hour appointed : but his hopes revived when he saw Roy make his appearance as empty-handed as himself " What have you got now, Gorm ? " said his laird, * The tale of good and bad fortune was then recounted. The question being put to Roy, he thrust his hand into his sporan, and presenting the key of the barn to his chief, requested him to satisfy himself ; on unlocking the door, a fine carcass was found suspended from a beam. " O Dhea ! " cried Gorm, " where did you get that fine beef 1 " " Just where you left it, Donald ; and when you want another pair of hose off this," lifting his plaid and shaking it, " I shall be very happy to let you have them on the same terms ! " Jock Mair and the Lawyers. Fools often exercise a very ready wit on occasions when little might be expected from them. A natural in Hamilton, named Jock Mair, has been long known for an uncommon penchant for horses. Few in the middle ward of Lanarkshire have passed a greater niimber of those useful animals through his hands in the same number of yeai's. But Jock being poor, his horses are seldom worth more than the skin. He had often been advised to purchase a good ass instead of the useless skeletons in which he was accustomed to deal ; but to 202 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. the long-eared tribe Jock had an unconquerable aversion. A well- known Hamilton and Glasgow coach-driver, about whose stables Jock was accustomed to lounge, much to the avei-sion of the natui'al, at length purchased an ass ; and two spruce writer's clerks, being aware of the circumstance, and the aversion of Jock to the assenine tribe, one day in passing said, in a quizzing manner, "Jock ! Paton" (the coach proprietor) " has got an ass." Jock, looking at them with a peering gaze, indicative of great contempt, with the voice of a rook when cawing over its young, replied, " Ay ! an' your maister has got twa o' them." A Case of Distress. Jock Mair, the fatuous pei-son already alluded to, happened to pass along the road with one of his skin-and-bone horses in the year 1812, when the weavers who could not get work were employed in making the footpath which leads from Hamilton to Bothwell. The silken-handed and slender-waisted labourers, glad of any excuse for a rest, were all leaning on their spades as he and his charger were moving along, and some of them were indulging in remarks not at all to Jock's liking. At length one more pert than the rest bawled out, *' Jock, what hae ye been doing wi' your horse, man, he's unco lean 1 " Jock screamed out in his usual eldrich, rover-like voice, " He's been at the weaving, man ! " An Heir of Entail. The Duke of Hamilton happening to come up on Jock when he was cutting grass for his horse in one of his Grace's plantings, challenged him, and asked " by^ what right he was there ? " Jock responded that " he had just as muckle right to be there as his Grace bad." " "Who gave you that right?" said the Duke, " I got it frae your faither," said Jock. " Then," said the Duke, " if you can prove that, your right and mine is equal : I got my right from my father also." Wishaw Post and the Weavers. Upwards of twenty years ago, a feeble old man, nicknamed Post- John, for many years carried the post-office bags between Hamilton and Wishaw. On a particular occasion, when the news were sup- posed to be more than usually interesting, a posse of weavers were stationed at Windmill-hill, in order to intercept John, and to prevail on him, if possible, to allow them a peep into a newspaper. The runner accordingly came up in due time, and many were the solicita- tions, arguments, and threats used, in order to procure from him the indulgence required ; but John was inflexible. At length an indi- vidual more daring than the rest threatened to proceed to more violent measures, but John was not to be terrified. Starting, or rather tottering, backwards a little, his eyes began to kindle, and, raising his faithful crummy in his right hand, he exclaimed, in a tone SALUTARY DREAD. 203 between surprise and indignation, " Confound the rascals, -would thejr rob his Majesty's mail-coach ?" Salutary Dread. Two Irishmen were fighting in Hamilton in the midst of a ring;. and at length one of them exhibited symptoms of wishing to give in. Some of the on-lookers instantly bawled out, " Ye're fear't for him, ye're fear't for him." " No," said Paddy, " I'm not a bit afraid for him, but I begin to be very much afraid for myself." A Dog Tax. It is well known that the surveyors of taxes have often much difficulty in getting people to make fair returns, notwithstanding all the pains and penalties which Government can invent for the purpose of enforcing their rights. A gentleman connected with this depart- ment was on one occasion making a survey of the Middle Ward of Lanarkshire, when, coming to a small country steading, the surveyor put the question to the good-wife whether or not she kept any dogs ? The good woman declai-ed that she did not. The surveyor had hm suspicions notwithstanding, and, to put the matter to the test, took out an ivoiy call, and gave a loud shrill whistle, which in an instant brought colly out from his lurking-place, almost suffocated in a fit of barking. The good-wife was confounded, and pretended to explain, but in vain ; down went colly like the rest of his shaggy brethren to swell the king's revenue. The party having lingered a moment for this purpose were about to depart, when lo, a dreadful howling took place in the house ; and on the surveyor peeping in he saw that it was the indignant landlady belabouring her dog with the spurtle. An assistant, who accompanied the man of office, alarmed at the loud and clamorous notes of woe, eagei-ly inquired, " What is that 1 ' ** Oh," said the other, *' it is only colly paying his taxes." A Nautical Road-Maker. Captain Gilchrist, the maternal grandfather of the celebrated Earl Dundonald, when residing at Eddlewood, near Hamilton, took great interest in public afiairs, particularly in the formation of a new road between Strathaven and Hamilton. Thfs road, from the nature of the country, is very hilly, or, as an old woman remarked, " a' up- hill to Strathaven, and up-hill back again;" but there was formerly a very severe pull at High-cross-knoll, which some of the contractors were very anxious that the Captain would cause to be avoided by taking a little to the right. The Captain, however, was inexorable, declaring that he had tacked both to the right and the left often enough already, and was resolved to go straight forward when he could.'' "But," retorted the opposing party, "the place is dreadfully high and exposed," " Then," replied the Captain, '* you are always sure of a good wind." 204 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Self-Protection. Ax old maiden lady, who kept house in the neighbourhood of a thriving weaving village upwards of thirty years ago, was much pestered by the young knights of the shuttle constantly entrapping her serving-women into the willing noose of matrimony. For several years she had scarcely been able to prevail on one of them to remain with her for more than six months. This, for various reasons, was not to be tolerated much longer ; she was resolved therefore to have recourse to some remedy : she accordingly hired a woman sufficiently ripe in years, and of a complexion not much to be envied. On going with her the first day after the term, as usual, to make her markets, they were met by a group of strapping young weavers, who were anxious to get a peep at the leddy's new lass. One of them looking more eagerly into the face of the favoured handmaid than the rest, and then at her mistress, could not help involuntarily exclaiming, '* Hech, mistress, ye hae gotten a nest-egg now ! " A Geographical Politician. A VILLAGE politican was one day lecturing a large circle on the power and resources of France, and how easy it would be for Napoleon, who was then in his glory, to invade this country: some one remarked, that he saw no great occasion for fear, " France was a great way oflf." *' A great way off ! sir," — said the offended haranguer, who was no great geographer, — " why, sir, don't you know that the mail between Calais and Dover passes in a few hours ? " A wit, who was standing by, asked at the wise man, " what the price of a seat in the coach might be between these two places ? " " Ah ! " said he, " it cannot be much, you know, if they run it in two hours." A Friena in Need. A CLERoyMAN who read beautiful sermons, but had no knack at extemporary preaching, on a Saturday before a sacrament Sabbath, made an attempt for the first time to pirlecue, i.e. to repeat the sub- stance of a sermon which had that day been preached by a friend. After proceeding a few sentences, however, he came fairly to a stand ; when, after standing gaping for a considerable time, as if ready to choke, he at length stammered out, " the bell will begin to ring to- morrow at eleven o'clock," — then instantly concluded. A wag, sitting beneath, whispered to his neighbour, " Od, if the doctor hadna got hand o' the bell-raip he would ha' fa'n." A Scotch Query. A BLUFF, consequential, commercial gentleman from the south, with more beef on his bones than brain in his caput, riding along the Hamilton road, near to Blantyre, asked a herd-boy on the road side, in a tone and manner evidently meant to quiz, if he were "half-way to Hamilton V " Man," replied the boy, " I wad need to ken whar ye -hae come fae, afore T could answer your question." A ZEALOUS ADVOCATE. 205 A Zealous Advocate for the Kitchen. A HALF-CRAZED personage, named Jamie Brown, and who for a. mess of meat, ran errands for the servants of a certain nobleman, was engaged as turnspit on one occasion. The dinner was to have been ready by a particular hour, but by some mismanagement it was too late. The bell, of course, was repeatedly rung, but still no dinner was forthcoming : the landlord and lady of the house were losing all temper, and so was Jamie Brown the turnspit ; the former, because the dinner was not forward, the latter, because the servants were so much pushed when they were doing all that they could. The fearful bell rang once moi'e, when Jamie, slipping unseen from amongst the rest, in tawdry attire, but in great wi-ath, marched up straightway to the drawing-room, and boldly opening the door where the splendid circle were assembled, exclaimed, " Guid saf us, what are ye ring, ringing at, when folks are doin' a' that e'er they can ! " Beggars' and Baronets' Bairns. A CERTAIN heir of entail, alike celebrated for his wit and for his^ superior talents, was one day, when in the jiresence of his parents, thus accosted by a ragged little urchin : " A puir wean, sir, both fatherless and motherless." The young scion of nobility, casting a sly look towards his parents, said, " Go about your business, sir, I wish I could tell the same tale." Meat and Mustard. Thobias Todd o' the Winnyyetts, was a regular attendant at *' diets of examination," as they ai-e called, but as our English readers are not accustomed to diets of this description, some little explanation may be necessary. The clergyman announces from the pulj^it on Sabbath, that the hearers in a certain locality will attend, at some farm-house, for the purpose of being examined as to the amount of their religious knowledge, and also for giving them religious in- struction. The late Dr. Campbell, when in Kippen, was very regular in such appointments, as well as rigid in examination. One of these meetings took place at Clony, Arnprior, in Thomas's neighbourhood, and at the conclusion as usual, a somewhat stylish dinner was pre- pared for the minister, and such of the respectable neighbours who were present, were asked to dine with the family. The guidwife in- Adted Thomas " to tak share o' what was gaun wi' the minister." " Oh, you maun just excuse me the day, mem," replied Winnyyetts. *' Deed I'll no excuse you this day. Tarn. Ye needna mind, man ! You're aye sae blate, and as mini as a May paddock ! Come your wa's now — naebody but your neighbours." "Oh no," still continued Thomas, " really I wish you would take my excuse ; I canna come, for ye see Andrew Square is wi' us making some claes for the weans, and it wouldna be guid manners to leave Andrew to himsel." " Tuts, come out o' that wi' you — gif a' your hums and ha's were hams and 2o6 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, haggises, the parish o' Kippen needna fear a dearth." "Weel, mem, (since you will ha'e me to be neighbour-like, ye ken, mem, that ye have aye mustard on your table — now I canna sup mustard." A Considerate Doctor. Old druggist W of Glasgow, for many years carried on a lucrative business, and although not celebrated for just eminence in his profession, was visited by many people from the Highlands, who had the utmost confidence in his abilities. A poor woman from Loch- aber once waited upon him with her child, affected with some one or other of the diseases of childhood, and as the old druggist "came from the same place," she was morally certain that the best of his abilities would be called into operation for the relief of her child — the complaint, we believe, was hooping-cough. " You'll take home the Bhild, my good woman," said he, with a brogue strong enough to change cambric into tartan, "and put him into a black sheep's skin, new taen frae the peast — be sure he was black, no other will do — keep him there all night, and come back and tell me in the momin' how he'll be." Faithful to the druggist's prescription, the black sheep's skin was with difficulty obtained j but, alas ! its efficacy had failed, as might have been expected, and the little sufferer died before morning. With many woful lamentations, she waited on the ilruggist, and the tale of misery was recorded with painful minuteness. " Very well, my good woman, we can only use the means for recovery, and no more — go home and bury the shild, and I'll charge you nothing for the cure." Logan and his Spectacles. On one occasion, while staying at a friend's house, Logan lost his spectacles, and a general search was the consequence. After a good deal of bustle had been created, to the great amusement of those present, the missing glasses were discovered by one of the girls, snugly perched on the proboscis of the owner. The laugh was I'ather against the Laird, who, after looking a little confused at the awkwardness of the circumstance, observed, " I was sure I had put them in some safe place, where they wouldna be lost; but here," said he, addressing the gill, " I canna do less than give you half-a-crown for the in- genuity you showed in making the discovery." Highland Notion of Tooth-Brushes. A FAMILY in Edinburgh, not keeping a footman, engaged a High- lander to serve them during a visit from a man of fashion. Dinner liaving waited an unreasonable time one day for the guest, Duncan •vas sent into his room to inform him that it was on the table. But ]iO not coming, Duncan was sent again ; still they waited, and the lady at last said to the man, " What can the gentleman be doing "i " " Please ye, madam," said Duncan, " the gentleman was unly sharpening his teeth." REPENTANCE. 207 Repentance. The late Rev. Mr. G , happening one clay to go into the church-yard while the beadle was employed, neck-deep, in a grave throwing up the mould and bones to make room for another coflSn, thus accosted him — '' Well, Saunders, that's a work your employed in well calculated to make an old man like you thoughtful. I wonder you dinna repent o' your evil ways." The old worthy, resting himself on the head of his spade, and taking a pinch of snuff", replied — *' I thought, sir, ye kent that there was no repentance in the grave." Want of Opposition. A HiGHLANDMAN had occasiou to call at the Post-office. Findins there was no admittance, on account of the early hour, he scratched bis head, and, turning to a by-stander, inquired, with an anxious V)ok, " Is there nae ither shops that sold letters in this toun 1 " Police Eloquence. At the last meeting of the Improvements' Commissioners, a ques- tion came under discussion as to the expenses incun-ed by the Magistrates in the unsuccessful application to Parliament in 1825. A lommissioner of police, celebrated for " extreme economy," rose and inquired whether that was not " the expenses of obtaining the Act that was lost 1 " An Irish Objection. At a meeting of a neighbouring curling society, called for the dispatch of business, it was proposed, as one of the future rules of the club, that on the occasion of a bonspeil a smart fine be imposed on any member who should venture, being in sound health, to absent himself. At this proposition a worthy member, one of the honourable fraternity of horticulturists, rose, and gravely " begged leave to object to the last regulation.'' "For," said he, ** though the maist o' ye are your ain maisters, and can leave hame and wark when ye like, ye ken weel eneuch that should it happen t« be saft weather at the time it'll be impossible for me to leave my garden." Science. Two countrymen lately dropped into a lecture-room in the north to hear a discourse on natural philosophy. The lecture was on magnetism and electricity, in the course of which the lecturer made frequent use of the phrases, '• positive body in the north " and " negative body in the south." Mr. R. touched Mr. P.'s arm, and inquii'ed, " What do you think he means by the * positive body' and * negative body 1 ' " '* Ou, ye see," answered his friend, "he first means, I'm thinking, Sandy M'Bean, o' Brechin, wha's the maist positive I ever kenned in the north ; and I suppose, for the nae-get-off body i' the south, he means Geordie Merchant o' Dundee, for the ne'er a' ane e'er sits down wi' him that he'll let rise again." 2o3 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. " Souter Johnny." Every body who has lived in Glasgow for any length of time must surely have known the good-natured, simple, innocent Jock Paterson, not long deceased. For more than forty years Jock was in the habit of attending, and walking along with, Hutchesons' boys upon all occasions of a public nature. Not a Sabbath passed but Jock was to be seen at the head of the Blue -coat scholars, marching with them to church, and keeping a sharp look-out in case any of his " callants," as he called them, should be guilty of any impropriety either by the way or in the church. And at the annual procession, when all the children belonging to the public charities of Glasgow were paraded to the church in their new dresses, no man in Glasgow so proud as Jock on that day when, decked out in his new suit, he took his place at the head of his " callants," and walked with them through the public streets of the city. Jock, however, with all his innocence and all his simplicity, was fond of a glass of whisky or a cap of yill as any guzzler in the Goosedubs ; and not a day passed but by some means or other he managed to get his craving for a dram satisfied in some way or other. During the time that Mr. Thom's celebrated figures of Tarn o' Shanter and Souter Johnny were exhibiting in Glasgow the proprietor very generously invited all the public schools, in town to a gratuitous view of his figures upon a certain day, and there was Jock among the rest, along with his " callants," So tickled was he at the grotesque appearance of the " twa drouthy cronies " that he could not contain himself, but burst out into a loud laugh, which attracted the attention of the tutor (the Rev. Mr. Ferric, now Pro- fessor of Moral Philosophy in the Academy of Belfast), who, coming up to Jock, clapped him on the shoulder, and good-naturedly inquired, " Weel, what do ye think of these queer chaps 1 " " Think," says Jock, " Sir, I think gif I was that ane there (pointing to Souter Johnny) I wadna sit sae lang with the cap in my hand without drinkin'." • Too Common, John Braedine, bedral to the pai'ish church in Lochwinnoch, somewhat more than a century ago, was examined by th.e Pi'esbytery of Paisley as to whether the crime of bigamy were committed in the parish. John could not comprehend what they meant by the term ; and when he requested explanation the moderator told him that " it meant a man having two wives at once." " Twa wives at ance ! " said the astonished minister's man ; " I ken naebody that ever did sic a foolish thing ; but I can tell ye o' twa-three that wad like to get quat o' ane." Reconciled to Circumstances. Will Speir had tJie heel of his shoes as well armed as his pole oi walking-staff — the point of one of the nails which adorned the sole of his shoe had not been carefully turned down by the shoemaker, and it never occurred to Will to apply the lapstone and hammer termitting him to preach in connection with the sect to which he had attached himself, iu any }>art of the United Kingdom to which he should be sent, by appointment of the said church, bound himself to bow in obedience in all cases to the authority of the court. When what are called competing calls, or more than one vacant congi'egation; wished him to become their permanent minister, the choice was not left to the object of contest himself to decide, and if he did not manage members of court, or allowed the least indication of his pre- ference to be known, the rule of contraries frequently, very frequently, guided the brethren in their decision ; it was never listened to, the propriety of seeing the parties mutually affected towards each other, " No, no, they'll come to like each other in time." Thus they went a little farther than the example shown to them by Paul, who would not send Apollos in a particular direction, though strongly inclined to do so, without his own consent; thus wise were they beyond inspired example. Might and Right. An old tar, who had mauy a time and oft oome into close quarters with the enemy, returned to Scotland, and wishing to make himself useful to the church, with which his fathers had been connected — the United Secession — resolved to educate his eldest sou for the U 2IO THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. ministry. After passing the trial exercises before the presbytery, and obtaining license, he became the object of — envy shall I call it ? — to some of his senior probationers, having set two or thx'ee congregations by the ears about him. To determine which of these churches should have the services of the son of the wave-worn tar, must now become the court to decide. One of the churches was very desirable — much more so than any of the others, and the young man had indicated his liking, which led the court to adjudge by the rule of contraries. The old tar, accustomed to determine by the arm of power, dissatisfied with the judgment, remarked, when he was told that it was the will o' Providence, "Talkna to me about Providence, that has been sae lang aboard a king's ship." The Pith of the Pudding is the Stuffing. If the poor's-houses of Scotland have a bad name for their stinted allowances to the children of misfortune — more often, we should say, improvidence and vice — they should see to it. We believe there is great abuse of the charities bestowed on out-door paupers. We have heard some of themselves say, that the occasion of the distribution of charity was a holiday in the Bridgegate of Glasgow, in the lanes and back wynds of which, domicile whole cairns of beggars. The allotment of meal is forthwith converted into whisky, and imprecations, as bless- ings, bestowed on the governors of the hospital, because the supply is not in amount what they say they require. Rab Hamilton was a tenant for some time, we believe, of the Ayr Poor's House, and that class of the non-compos, whose chief care is to provide supplies for that powerful solvent, the gastric liquid, are those who are most clamorous, when the needful appears short in quantity, though more honestly given, than whipped up, to deceive the eye. The clergyman, on visiting the inmates, enquired at Rab, " If he was thankfu' for the blessings of Providence 1 " " Ou deed is't, I'm saying." '' And how often each day ax'e you thankfu' ] " " Just nicht and morning, sir — ou ay, deed is't." " Are you perfectly sensible of the blessings bestowed on you at all times 1 " "I'm saying, nicht and moi'ning, sir, I was saying ; deed was I." " But why nicht and morning 1" " Ye see, sir, I get my parritch at thae times, ye see, sir, and I'm verra thankfu' to Pi-ovidence — deed am I, sir, ou ay; for I nae sooner tak' out a spoonfu', than the hole fills up." Pleasures of Hope. The following anecdote is an exercise in composition prescnbed to ;i ladies class. The exei'cise was to illustrate the application of the terms " Words, strokes, blows," and a young lady not far in her teens, gave a practical illustration of them, and which was, we believe, a bonajide case of domestic discipline. " A worthy couple, who, before marriage, had professed great fondness for each other, not long after the expiration of the honey-moon, began to quarrel ; and from words ultimately came to blows. The poor woman complaining of the DOCTOR FERRIER. 211 severity of the strokes she received, her amiable husband comforted her with the assurance, "0,my dear, you will soon get used with them." Doctor Ferrier, The late Dr. Ferrier, of the United Secession Church, Paisley, was justly esteemed one of our western luminaries, and what compositions lie has given to the world, prove him to have been possessed of great intellectual power — united with lofty conception, and a dignified sim- ])licity, and purity of diction, which few have surpassed. If there is .iOt the fiery volcanic energy of Robert Hall, there is something approaching him in majesty, concentration, and elegance of expression. No one relished social intercourse more than the Doctor, and bis triends recollect the playful sallies of his refined wit and humour. It is said that, when a probationer, he spent a considerable portion of an evening with the celebrated Robert Burns, and that the poet had ex- ^jiessed himself much pleased with the young preacher's manners, and in his own paraphrastic manner, said, " He had spent twa three ^iieasant hours wi' a most excellent body o' divinity, elegantly bound iiud lettered." A Logical Deduction. Doctor Ferrier had a most thorovigh contempt for every ex- iii'ession that savoured of cant, and often found fitting opportunities amongst his flock for touching the sore with his gentle caustic. The Doctor met with a serious fracture in one of his legs, — he had taken a carriage for the purpose of escorting a party of ladies, and on returning home to the neighbourhood of the Sneddon, just as the ladies had left the carriage, and the driver was folding up the steps and fastening the carriage door, a flash of lightning scared the horses, and ofi" they started at their utmost speed, snorting and plunging. The Doctor, knowing that some loose stones had been laid down at a new building, in the street up which they were running, and thence calculating on the certainty of being overturned when they should come up to that point, leapt out from the carriage, which was the occasion of the .•iccident above stated. The fractured limb took a considei-able time to knit together, and gain sufficient strength, so as to enable it to take a shai-e with its brother locomotive in out or in-door duties, and, in the interim, the inquiries and sympathies of his flock were unceasing. Amongst others, one of those who are so busy in advising others as to their conduct, and pointing the uncharitable finger at every little dis- crepancy, real or imagined, that they have no time for the correction of their own faults, called and addressed his minister, *' Weel, said this inferential member, " what lesson, do yovi think, Providence in- tends to teach yoit by this accident that has happened to you, ia galloping up and down wi' thae young fo'ks, sir? " "I cannot say," replied the doctor, " He means, at least, I think, to teach me one thing, and that is, in future to take care of my legs." 212 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. Rendering a Reason. Doctor Ferrier was once in a party of his bi-ethren and a few of tbe Cameronian communion, going in one of the canal passage-boats, to join their respective Synods in P^dinburgh, when there happened to be a passenger apparently much under the influence of ardent spirits. The manner, liowever, in which he was demeaning himself showed that a considerable portion of his behaviour was put on, and drink the mask under which he chose to assail the clergymen. Every effort was toade by him to insult the cloth, but they paid no attention to his rudeness. At last he came near where a gi'oup of the ministers were standing conversing, and remarked, " Well, it is singular, yes, it is, and so I am ; yes, that I never get drunk, but in the company of your sober clergymen ; no never." Still no notice was taken — round again came the assailant — "Oh, yes, I never get drunk, but in the company of your sober clergymen." " Do you know," said Dr. Ferrier, turn- ing round with a look both of pity and indignation, " what is the reason that you never get drunk biit in the company you mention ? " ** No, I don't, but I suppose you can tell me." " Yes, I can, because there you get all the drink to yourself." Literary Honour. When Doctor Ferrier received the literary honour of D,D. from America some ladies made it a pleasant part of their duty to call and compliment the Doctor on the academic distinction bestowed on him. 1^ ine was offered to the visitors, when the Doctor's health was toasted V th wishes how long he might be spared to be useful in the church, ft! d wear the literary wreath that had been fairly won by him. One of the ladies complimented him on the quality of his wine. " Yes," rej-lied the Doctor, *' it is good to a Degree." A Dry Rub. The portions of human nature, covered with the sober black and par- espectful eminence, denominated " the cloth," have their foibles, to call them by as soft terms as possible, and friendships are ofteii broken up, or distances taken and measuredly kept for a time, fully as frequently as amongst the debtor and creditor children of commercial life. A distance, call it dry if you please, reader, took place betwixt Dr. Ferrier and a brother with whom he used to be on the most inti mate terms, but as the Dr. was not much given to clerical pet, we suspect the blame rested not with him. The brother appearing to wish to have the distance, which had been kept up for a considerable time, abridged, addressed the Dr. " You would notice a dryness, Dr. l^errier, that has been between us for some timol" " Ay," says the l>r., «« well, I did not observe it." A Meeting of Friends. A member of Dr. F.'s congregation — with whom the Doctor was on the most intimate terms — was invited to an evening party to meet vith his minister ; and being rather late before he joined the party,. A PRACTICAL JOKE. 213, ou entering volunteered an apology. Addressing bimself to the Doctor — " You see, Doctor, I was engaged to dine before I received the invitation to come here, and I could not leave without taking a friendly tumbler." "Yes, yee," replied Dr. F., •'friends are often meeting." A Practical Joke. Isaac M'Gregor, already known to our readers, had an inveterate prejudice against the medical profession, and only in cases of the last necessity would he permit them to be called in. This prejudice arose from a belief that when subjects could not be procured by means of exhumation, the living were drafted on for the necessary supplies, and artful stratagems employed to inveigle and secure their victims. Any person appearing to be a stranger on the street was marked, and in some quiet place, whither the object was followed, a plaster was stuck over the aperture for breath ; or perhaps he was induced on some plausible pretext to adjourn to a tavern and partake of some refresh- ments, when the liquids offered were sure to be drugged ; or, if the person were so regardless as to venture with his seducers within the precincts of the College, he was led into a small apartment which was hung round with attractive pictures, the whole floor of which was one trap-door or hatchway so conti-ived that, on touching a secret spring, the unsuspecting victim was in a moment precipitated into a boiling cauldron in the vaults beneath. Possessed with a strong belief in these practices, Isaac kept a sharp look-out in passing the College, which he was obliged to do every night when in Glasgow, as his quarters lay in that direction. « On one occasion, as he passed tie gateway of the College rather late, he afHrmed that '* he heard the clinking of a chain coming skelf)- iug ower the lintel o' the College entry, and that the cleeks verra nearly grippit him by his haunch buttons." At another time Isaac had to visit a fi'iend who lived in Castle- i)en's Close, a little above Blackfriar's Wynd, now Regent Place, about the hour of dismissal of one of the medical classes ; and some of his friends, who knew his misgivings, said, "There's a boiling thi.vags, bent on practical mischief, put into the bedroom a black image, set carefully on the head of a clothes-press, in such a position that it was sure to catch Isaac's eye on the dawn of the morning. Just as the day began to break they heard Isaac muttering in horror, apparently rising out of bed ; they made towards his apartment, the door of which had purposely been left a little ajar, — and there was Isaac standing in the middle of the floor, addressing the image, in an attitude of the utmost horror, " Ye black-looking savage, your maister can get naebody in this kintra wi' a white skin on his face to do his wark, but maun send to the West Indies for the like o' you — ane of the generation of worrie-cows, wi' the coom o' your kintra on your face — come down and I'll fecht ye ; but fling away your plasters." The object would not consent by nod or otherwise. " Weel, weel," cries the half-dreaming Isaac, it's needless for me to streck ye, for ane that could come through a key-hole, as ye've done, could cast ane o' your brimstone scones on my mouth afore I could come within arm's length o' ye ; but sin' I'm to be chokit, whan you're done wi' my body, gi'e my banes to my brither Jock to be buried at Kippen." A Lady's Reproof. A LADY not better known in Glasgow, and through the larger section of Scottish Dissenters, for her wit than for her benevolence — no object of distress, come from what quarter it may, but what is sure to meet with sympathy and relief, if mere human means can accom- plish it; the purse-pei-sonal,and the solicitation from charitable friends, are ever put in requisition. When quite a girl, she went out to ride on a pony which her father kept for her use, accompanied by a gentle- man who had not such a complete command of appropriate terms in our language, as to prevent the use of expletives, unnecessary now to mark the high-bred gentleman, since fashion, affixes, prefixes, roots and branches of words, are so thoroughly taught in our schools — the crimson-coated guardians of the public interests, too, at one time, when put in command of a given number of bayonets, had generally a very copious selection of expletives, culled from the Pandemonian Lexicon, which they considered necessary as ofiicial garnishing in giving the word of command at drills and reviews. The gentleman's horae made a fault. " Hold up you D ," was the sympathetic expression to the intelligent quadruped. The lady softly remarked, *' Now, sir, my pony has a much prettier name than yours — I call it Donald." Moral of the Arms of the Isle of Man. The same lady was once a passenger in a steamer, with a dignitary of the Old Light Dissenters, (Ay, Master Editor, had they dignitaries ? — take care of your knowledge. — they had, tliough not beneficed A PERPETUAL PRESIDENT. 215 dignitaries — but they have shewn that they have no objections liow soon), when the Voluntaries came in for a due share of illiberal abuse, by this aspirant, who was just lifting his right foot to place it on th(- State church ladder of preferment, while some of her ladyship's friends were eulogised for remaining at home in peace, and not joining tin- hostile party mustered against the church. " Deed, sir," replied she. " the conduct of you Old Light Dissenters at present, brings me mucli in mind of the arms of the Isle of Man — you have three legs, — one to stand on, — another to walk into the church with, — and with the third, you kick your old friends." A Perpetual President. The confusion, with often personal acrimony, which used to clxaracterise the proceedings of the clergy in their courts judicatory, was proverbial. Improved as they are in their spirit and manner of addressing their brethren in public debate ; yet their language is often not parliamentary, and at times more akin to the oratory of the traders in the finny tribe, who follow their calling along our streets. The multitude claiming to be heard at the same moment, in case their biilliant thoughts should be stolen, or the eloquence struggling in their bosoms for utterance, might be congealed by delay, would require extraordinary powers of attention in their President, which reminds us of an anecdote, and we give it, — it is in our way at any rate. Adjoining a certain church in Scotland, an industrious hostess kept an alehouse, which, on sacramental occasions, stood equidistant from the field or tent sermon, in an opposite direction. Though near the kirk, the hostess made not its cope-stone the saddle, and the minister passing from the church to the tent, observed Janet standing, apparently waiting for customers. " Dear me, Janet," remarked his Reverence, " neither in church nor at the tent ! what are you doing ? " *' Doing sir," replied the handler of pewter measures, " do ye no see, sir, I'm just listening to twa grand sermons; ye say whiles that yoiu sermons wi' us, just gang in at ac lug, and out at the ither, now sir, a sermon at baith sides o' the head will kep ane anither, and may be of some use. On entering the church courts of some quarter of a century back, you would have thought, excepting for the matter of variety of language, that the confusion of Babel was being enacted again. There was the old stager with locks white with the produce of the Hour mill, as often at least as with the buds of the almond tree of the Preacher, himself, in his own estimation, the concentration of wisdom, and who, after delivering himself ex-cathedra, sat down shaking his knowledge box as if the brain had lost its balance in the mighty effort. Then the spruce clerical stripling, newly inducted into his charge, as yet the wonder of his own locality, and to continue so until his stock of flash compositions are fired ofi*; he too is effervescing at every point until his philippic, on which he has expended all his rhetoric, cayenned to blistering, is delivered, not doubting but his 2i6 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, piping-hot oration must astonish the whole kingdom. By the time that all these speakers bad been heard, the period the court had to sit was nearly up, and the ultimate decision necessarily hurried, and was certain of being reversed at next meeting of court. The Church of Scotland is ahead of the Dissenters in their mode of despatching business, and also in their manner of addressing their brethren, though there are serious errata to take up with them also. The lady of whom we have already taken notice, was much pleased with the manner in which the late Mr. Smart of Paisley conducted the duties of the moderator's chair — his figure, venerable apj>earance and dignity, and his judicious, firm, and temperate manner in that chair, left an example for future moderatoi'S — and she advised the Synod to have a stucco bust taken of him, and fix it in the chair allotted to their pi-esident, that his successors might speak through it. "When "We Fell We Aye Got Up Again." Not so sure-footed as many of her sex, in frosty weather, she has had frequent occasion to be helped up from falls on the slides, that children, ever in search of play, make on the paive. On one of these occasions, a poor man who knew her, I'an to her aid, but before tendering the helping hand, inquired, " O, Mem, are ye hurt?" " Would you just lift me up," said she, "and I'll tell you?" On another occasion, a gentleman ran to her assistance, and requested to be allowed to help her. " Oh, sir, ye little ken what j^ou're taking in hand." Safety in Flight. Driven home in a gig by a gentleman, who had offered her the accommodation^ the horse became unmanageable, and on coming to a portion of the road broken up by deep ruts, hemmed in by loose stones on either side, laid down for building, he reared and tried all those measures which that intelligent quadru|)ed usually does, when he wants the rein, so to speak, in his own hand — young biped colts often do the same. The gentleman leapt out to have more management, and the lady made as if she wanted to be on terra firma also. " For G — sake, mem, sit still," said he. " Ay," replied the collected wit, " but for your own sake you're where you are. Writing for the Future. The late Dr. Jamieson, the Scottish lexicographer, was vain of his literary reputation, and, like many of the genus irritabUe, who know not where their great strength lies, and think themselves gifted with a kind of intellectual able-to-do every thing, the doctor must needs also be a poet as well as a gi-ub amongst the roots of language — a kind of study one would think not likely to give strength or pliancy of pinion for flights up Parnassus. The doctor published a poem, '3ntitled "Eternity" — and we don't suppose, reader, you so ignorant or little versant in back-letter literature, the bookseller's science, as A MONKEY'S TAIL. 217 not to have seen or heard of it. This poem became the subject of conversational remark soon after publication at a party where the doctor was present, and this lady was asked her opinion of it. " It's a bonny poem,'' said she, " and it's weel named Eternity, for it will ne'er be read in time." A Monkey's Tail. In the market-place, at the Latter Fair of Doune, amongst the other usual accompaniments of a " cried fair " appeared a caravan, in front of which the canvas displayed, in sign-post likenese, a far greater number of animals than it was evident could be contained in such a receptacle — for inside there were only to be seen a crocodile on a small scale, an ostrich which, if not " very like a whale," looked very like a plucked turkey. These, Avith a monkey and a noisy parrot, made up the exhibition in the interior ; but what was wanting in the inside was more than made up by the show outside. On the platform, flaring in tinsel finery, pi'omenaded the ladies and gentle- men of the corps dramatique. The orchestra, however, was rathei* deficient in number. The fifer, having allowed " the malt to get abuue the meal," was indisposed, and a well-knit little Highlander, in the full dress of his clan, with his riband-bedecked bagpipes, had, for the day, engaged to supply the fifer's place ; and a thundering fellow of a Yorkshireman attempted, on a brass drum, to beat time to the piper's timeless and interminable pibrochs. This was Donald's first appearance on any stage, so he puffed and strutted as fine and as fierce as a peacock, his proud steps and haughty look bespeaking the elevation both of his body and his mind, and his whole bearing seemed to say — " Hersel be Hieland gentlemans, Be auld nor Botliwell prigs, man," when, just as " the ground and lofty tumbling " was commencing, out danced the monkey, arrayed in kilt and bonnet and a'. Donald had never seen a monk<^y before, and looked with wonderment on this living miniature of himself; but, recollecting his present duty, he turned his back, and was about to go on with his music and his marching when the little imp, envious, perhaps, of the pi per seeming to be the observed of all observers, at a bound leaped on the Gael's shoulders ; and^ either in frolic or in fear, hugged the Highlander and liLS bagpipes in a firm embi'ace, twisting its long tail around the drones of the bagpipe — the chanter and drones lost the fang, Donald «tood aghast, the hairs of his head, and, it is said, the very birse on his sporan, stood on end ! How to extricate his pipes was his first consideration ; so, slipping down his hand where his knee-buckles should have been (did a Iliglilander ever wear such an appendage?), drew his " skein-dhu," * and in the twinkling of an eye severed the ligature that bound his drones by amputating the monkey's tail close by the rump. The dismembered animal screamed, and skipped like * Small dirk usually stuck iii at the top of the liose below liie right limb. 2i8 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, winking tlirougli one of the side dooi'S. The lamentations inside, and the roars of laughter outside the caravan, quite dumbfoundei'ed Donald. He could not, however, help observing that the drummer, instead of joining in the fun, was in the act of grasping a cudgel, and looked very like as if he wished for explanation from the piper. Donald, judging that this would be safer given on the north side of Loch Tay, looked as ferocious as a Highlander of four feet stature could possibly do, and interjected, through his clenched teeth, in the very face of the Yorkshireman, " Oich, will she no pe ta more prettier man wantin' hims tail 1 " and, bounding from the platform, was ia the very heart of his friends and comrades, who closed around hin. and carried him off shoulder high, the streamers of his drones flutter- ing in the breeze, with the yet animated tail wriggling and writhiug among the ribands, as was observed by the humourous David the Fud, " for a' the warld like a newly-catched rampar (lamprey) eel." And it turned out as Donald had predicted ; for, by sniestring the rump with a red-hot iron, Mr. Pug was in a few days again seen enacting his part in full fig — not in a greasy kilt of some whiggish clan tartan, but in a pair of true-blue Wellington pantaloons. One of Job's Comforters. In the spring of 1826, during the depression of business in Glas gow, a friend of Henderson, of proverb celebrity, who had got married, advised Mr. H. to follow his example. " Na, na," said he, " saft's youi' horn, my frien', as the man said when he took haud of an ass's lug, instead o' a cow's horn, in the dark ; single blessedness is the thing; they hae a stout heart that wad marry in thae times ; I can put on my hat, and thank my Maker that it covers my hail family." Memoirs of a Paisley Bailie. SOBER THOUGHTS ON MEN AND THINGS BY ME, PETER PIRNIE, ESQ.j, LATE MANUFACTURER (nOW RETIRED FROM PUBLIC LIFE ON A SMa' competency), UMQUHYLE a BAILIE, &C., (tC, &C., OP PAISLEY. Chapter I. Me and the Public. There will no doubt be an uncommon clatter amang the Corks of the Causeyside, as well as upon the plainstanes at the Corse, and amang all the members of the pap-in clubs that forgether in the Water Wynd, now called St. Mirren-street, or in the Town's House, where the bailies and other ostensible and 'sponsible persons meet at orra times to weet their whistle, when it is known and understood that I have ta'en pen in hand to write my ain life, and to enlichten all and sindry anent my manifold experiences of men and things,. seasoned with suitable reflections on passing occurrents. MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 219 Chapter IT. The Fashes, Fykes, and Downdraughts o* Office. When I was in the Magistracy at a very troublesome time I wa* saiv fashit with the doanricht lies that were told against me, but I had just to put a stout heart to a stey brae, and do my duty, in Bjnte of man or devil. Hech, sirs, what an awsum weight of duty and dignity is sometimes laid upon the head and shouthers of ane efficient Magistrate in perilous times ! But on this point I have a word or twa to say when in due course of time and of nature I was eleckit a Bailie, and took upon me the discharge of the duties there- unto effeiriug, as the Town Clerk said when he clapt a cocked hat foi' the first time on my beld pow, and, shaking me l)y the neive, added, that I was the fountain of all justice and a ruler in the land, which was naething mair than a simple condescendence of facks. I am obligated further to remark that naebody, man, woman, oi' wean, can say, or allege, that I ever socht, in the lang course of my useful and busy life, to rooze mysell and my actions at the expense of my neibours, Backbitei*s and sicklike garbage of humanity I hold in great detestation. They think, puir bom fules that they are, that, by pulling anither doun, they will rise themsells. They may be as ill- deedy as a twa horuit deel, and yet, after all, they are but sumphs and gomerils. A backbiter or cat-witted creature, that spends his time in picking out and railing against the faults and frailtiea of others, may jalouse that, by spitting upon their character, he is bigging up a bonny bield of goodly thochts for himsell in the minds of his hearers, but he is out of his reckoning as far as ever Ca{)tain Parry was, when he thocht to tumble the wulcat at the North Pole. He'll aye be suspeckit and keepit at arms-length. Sweet is the treason, but foul is the traitoi'. The backbiter is like a leper ; he has aye a clapper to warn others of his infection, and that is, his ain ill scrapit and venomous tongue. It has been my constant endeavour to sook the marrow of reflection out of every circumstance and accident of life ; and, as weel as I could, to preserve, above all, an even mind and a resigned speerit. Fiery- tempered bodies aye get into a carfuffle about trifles ; but I never saw ony good come of losing temper about what it was out of the power of man to mend or prevent. " To jouk and let the jaw gang by" is an auld proverb, though it may not be in Davie Lindsay ; and " what cannot be mendit suld be sune endit " is anither. My puir faither, that's deid and gane, and laid in the mools mony a year syne, was a deacon at proverbs, and, saving some pickles of warldly wisdom of that sort, education I never had till I wrocht to put mysell to the schule, when I got on like a house in fire, and ran thro' the wee spell like a lampliohter, which was an uncommon thing for a bairn of my years. Chapter III. Observes, mair particular on Book Inditing. When Solomon delivered his opingyon anent book-manxifacturing. 220 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, with some thing mair of bitterness than a body could expeck from ane that has written meikle and no leetle himsell, has not stated his balance-sheet fairly j for ye see he has lost sicht of the credit-side ot the account a'thegithev. He has forgot to balance the weariness ot the flesh, with the pleasour whilk every sensible mind feels when, day by day, and page by page, it beholds the works of its individual hands prospering and increasing ; and the images, and creations, and visions of the brain assuming a tangible shape, whereby they can influence and direck other minds, and be as eternal finger-posts in the paths of learning and virtue for generations after generations, to guidn them in their search after the wells of divine truth and univer.;;il lienevo- lence. It does not come weel afl" ane like me to differ with a greater and a better man than mysel — ane that was a crownit king, and ruled over a powerful and singular people ; and ane whase name rang frae the outermost end of Ethiopia to the far'est bounds of Assyria (march- ing, as 1 would jelouse, with the Chinese dyke), as renoAvned for natural wisdom and acquired knowledge ; while I, at the heichest pitch of my earthly dignity, was naething mair than the first Bailie of a great manufacturing and intelligent town, and wauked and sleeped for full twa years with a gowd chain, significant of authority, about my neck — and my name and reputation was soundit nae far'er nor Glasgow or Embro, Manchester, or, aiblins, Lunnun. I will confess that my ain gratification has had no inconsiderable weight with me in becoming an author Books are a sort of ])assport to worldly immortality. Bairns may keep up a name, but they can- not maintain the fame of ane that has actit his part like a man in this theatre of the world. I have liked weel to hear poets and sang- writers express themsels feelingly on this natural passion of man's heart. Really, without a sark to their back, a bite in their belly, or a saxpence in their pouch, I have heard, in my time, some of them speak like Emperors about the way they wud be idoleezed by after ages. Puir creatures ! my heart bled for them and their dreams, and aften hae I stajjpit a sma' trifle intil their loof, just that they micht not die of downright starvation. They aye received it as a lend, and looked as proud as gin they had obleegit me by taking it ; however, their term-day never cam roun', and I didna mind, as the siller was never posted in ony ither way in my books than as "incidents dis- bursed.'' But some of the words of these flichty creatures stuck to iny memory ; for, fou or sober, they had aye some glimpses of a deep- searching wisdom into human nature and feelings, very profitable for a man of my understanding to ponder upon after warehouse hours and the cares of the day were bye. Chapteu IV. Just before I hae donewi' mysell. There is anither observe which I think I am enteetlit to mak, and ■that is — that it is an uncommon fine thing in itself for a man, in the MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 22 £ fall of his dnys, to meditate upon his bypast life, and the uncos thereof, its lichts and its shadows, and all its turnings and windings. For my ain individual pai't, I may well repoat, as I have before observed, tliat lueikle have I seen, and meikle have I learned, in this idle stramash, and that, being of an observing turn, my hope is that every change in the crook of my lot has not owerslided without im- provement, I will not say I would be living and life-like at this moment of time, pleesantly occupied in endyting my ain life, in my cozie back [larlour, wliilk looks into a pleesant bit garden weel plenished wi' vegetables, sic as leeks, cabbage, green kail, turnips and carrots, for- f»ye pinks, sweet-williams, roses and lilies, and other savoury herbs,. and sax grosset-busses as round as a bee's skep, and, without leeing, iika ano the bouk of a rick of hay, wi' twa apple trees, a pear tree, p- geen tree, and some ither bonny things that needna be named, over and above a fine sundial, standing in the centre of the middle walk, the whilk is nicely laid wi' gravel and white chuckey-stanes, and bordered with bachelors' buttons, daisies, boxwood, spearmint and rosemary, the smell whereof is very pleesnnt and refreshing in the c-allerness of morning, or the saftness of the gloamin. Such are a few of the digested reasons which have promuved me tc turn authour in my auld days ; and, having told the public who I am and what 1 mean to do, I shall cease my labours for the present, and, iu my second chapter, enter at ance into particulars, like a man of business habits. Chapter V. Among my First Public Concernments in a Magisterial Capacity. A SHAKING o' the Feet was proposed at a County Meeting, to I'elieve thae puir bodies that are thrown on their ain shifts, and can neither work nor want ; and also to afford a mouthfu', in the mean time, to creatures flesh and bluid, like oursels, wha are willing to work, but canna find a raaister. This grand fit-shaking, or Ball, as it was phrased, was proposed at a County Meeting, and was patroneesed by all the principal folks in the toun, and there was an unco talk about this lord and that lady being sure to be there, till the hail place WAS in a perfect fizz, frae the east till the west toll — frae the head of the Causeyside till the Score. It's impossible to tell you the fore- noon visits amang the leddies, and the bit quiet cracks amang the gentlemen ower an afternoon's glass anent it. As for me, I keepit a gayen quiet sough for a while, no wantin' to take a lead in the matter ; and, indeed, sic sichts were, in compari- son, naething to me, that had rubbed shouthers with the first nobility in the land, forbye seen the king, as is written in my life ; but it was quite different with my wife, that hadna seen ony sic grand adoes ; and as for our son, Tummas, and my auldest dochter. Miss Jean, that had just got a finishing touch at a fashionable schule in Embro, and could sing like a linty, loup like a maukin, and play on the piano 222 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, to the bargain, they were neither to baud nor bind. They insieted that they should be allowit to show afF their new steps, and they said it was expeckit by the hail respectable inhabitants of the toun that Bailie Piraie should countenance the assembly, seeing that the magistrates had sic a lang finger in the pie. Of coorse it was out of the power of flesh to stand against their chaunering, niair especially as afore they spoke I had coft four tickets, just for the credit of the thing, but no intending to gang — nor would I hae set juysell forrit on the occasion had it no been looked for by the public — this is a positive fack, and my being there was no piece of ostenta- tion ; for sic a thing is no in my hail corporation, as ye may have ■observed frae first to last in my written buke. To me, as the faither of a family and the head of a house, it was the soorce of no small contentment to be the means, in an honest way, of adding to the inno- cent pleasures of my wife and bairns ; and really, when I tauld them it was my final determination that the gudewife should hae her ain way in the matter, and that the family should appear in sic state and grandeur at the ball as effeired to their station in society, I was downright worried with kindness. The young things danced round me as gin they were clean gaen gyte, and nearly grat for fainness, and the worthy and virtuous pai'tner of my bosom and bedfellow said no a word, but just gave me ane o' the auld langsyne blinks of isfFection when we first forgathered as lad and lass, and used to take a bit daiker to the country to see how the gowans and the gerss were growing, and the birds singing in the woods in a simmer Saturday's afternoon. Hech, sirs ! it's mony a year sinsyne ; but the memories of these sweet days of youth never die in the heart that has truly and purely luved, as me and my wife have done. Chapter VI. Doings about the Family Braws. Kenning fu' weel that our house would, as a matter of need- oessity, be turned upside doun for a day or twa, with mantua-makers, tailors, milliners, shoemakers, bonnet-makers, and sic-like clamjamfry, making new dresses and ither necessars for our domestic establishment, I thocht it behooved me to give mysell a day's recreation or twa by Tisiting a freend either in Greenock or Glasgow till the house calmed again. Accordingly, I just daunered doun to the Bank and drew a bit five-pund note, and with that in my pouch I thocht I need }ieither fear cauld nor hunger for the short time I was to be awa frae iame. Having spent a day or twa with my auld friend, Mungo M'Wattie — ye'll aiblins ken him, a retired bachelor in the Stockwall ; he was :xnce in the fleecy-hosiery line, and very bien in his circumstances — I leturned hame just in time to see my wife's and my lassie's bi'awa come hame, forbye a braw new blue coat with yellow buttons, a silk vest bonnily spraingit with various colours, and tight pantaloons, xBade to fit like a glove, for Tummas. Sic an unco wastrie in the MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 223 •way of claiths, great feck o' whulk couldna look decent a second day, made me a thocht donsy I must confess ; but, when I began to refleck on the matter with a mair philosophical speerit I saw there was even in this prodigality and vanity the workings out of a beautiful Provi- dence. For, ye'U observe, that this was a Charity Ball, and operated as such in a twafald sense or degree. First, the sale of the tickets created a fund for real sufferers under the sair pinch of want and starvation ; and, second, a lively impulse was given to the industry of ithers, wha were necessarily employed in the decorement and garnishing furth of them that bocht the tickets. Manufacturers of broad cloth, muslin, shawls, tailors, mantua-makers, milliners, bonnet-makers, hat- makers, shoe-makers, glove-makers, haberdashers, and slio])keepers — even the sellers o' needles and preens, and sic sma' wares — had either frae this Boorce a direck or indireck gude. And when I saw that the Ball was devised, not for the mere bodily recreation of them that attended it, but to supply food and raiment to the necessitous and hungry, and that, when it did this to a certain extent, it moreover added a spur to the industiy of mony a hard-working, well-meaning, and industrious body, that lives by the lawbour and skill of their ten fingers, I could not but admire the twa-handed way in whilk the milk of charity was squeezed frae the human heart, and made, like a re- freshing shower, to fall ower a far wider surface than the wee clud ia tljo sky would at first betoken, ^, Chapter VIL I may say " Lang lookit for come at last." The eventful day of the ball at last came round in due order of iiature, and an xmco ganging up stairs and doun stairs there was in our bit self-con teened house. Wife and dochter were putting on and ;)utting aff this and the other thing. Tummas was like to drive loun the roof of the parlour trying his new steps in the toom garret ibune, and, when unwittingly I turned up my face to consider whar the din could come frae, a lump of plaister, as big as the croon of my !iat, fell right in my face, and dung the fire frae my een like sparks in a sniiddy. Sic things in a weel regulated family canna be tolerated in ordinar cases, but as this was a day expressly set apairt for enjoy- iient, I owerlooked the faut, and took a turn twice round my garden to cool my blude, and see gif ony robin red-breasts were hirplin' and cliitterin' aboot ; for ever since the melancholy death of the babes in the wood, one has an uncommon sympathy for thae wee considerate creatures, on account of them theeking tlie perishing innocents with leaves, as is set furth at length in the auld ballat. As ye may jaloiise, there were few in our house could tak ony denner that day ; but for my pairt, I may say I took my ordinary ,oick — mair be token, we had singed sheep's head, trotters conform, ind a very 'sponsible-lookiug cliuckie as could be, the whilk fare is ao to be despised as times gang. After denner I comforted my itamach with a leetle brandy toddy, and sooked it aff hooly and fairly. 224 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, heing nowise concerned like the rest of the household aneut eithet dress or looks on the approaching grand occasion. The fack is, I had iiiude up my mind frae the first to apjiear in the, samen dress as that iu whJlk I liad the honour to visit his late gracious Majesty at his lialace of Hulyrood, M'here, I can assure you, I was as civilly entreated as the first of the land, no excluding the Lord Provost of Glasgow, tbo' he and his tounsfolk tried to put themselves desperately far forrit; but the King saw thro' them brawly, and kent a spoon frae a Btot's horn as weel as the maist of his liege subjects. Chapter VIII. Conteens our Out-gangmg. Peeceesely as the clock chappit ten a noddy and a pair of horses drew up at our door, and out cam the hale b}ke of us as clean and trig as gin we had been faulded by in a bandbox. It's a fack, my heart lap to my mouth when I saw our gudewife buskit and bedinkt in a real fashionable new silk goun, and with a beautiful spreading urabrella-shapped cap, transparent as a butterfly's wings, and orna- mented with gumflowers and other conceits, as natural as the life. I was just about to take her all up in my arms, and gie her a bit smack ou the cheek, she looked sae bonny, but na — away she spouted into the noddy, with her good-natured " hout awa' gudeman," *' behave yoursell before folk," as the sang says, " do you ken that you woud birze my l>alloon sleeves out of a' shape." Dochter Jess was very modestly attired in a nice pink coloured robe, the fashion of which I cannot weel describe, and her hair was done up in the most aj)proved London style by Mr. Moore the perfumer, whose fingers, no to men- tion his legs, running about frae morn till e'en, I'm guessing were gayen sair. It did me good to look on Tummas, he was sae straucht, slim, and perjink, tho' I thocht quietly to mysell the lad was looking mair like a sodger than a saint — but let that flee stick to the wa', seeing that his auld faither was in fack drummajor at this march to Vanity Fair. Into the noddy we got at last, bag and baggage, and up streets and doun streets, dunting and jingling we brattled like mad. Shooting- out my neb at the window, I could see chaises and noddies fleeing about in a' directions like sae mony fiery comets, which was a very enterteening and enlivening sicht ; howsumer, some wandeidy weans cried " whip behind ! whip behind ! " and, quick as thocht, scringe cam the driver's whip alangside the noddy, and in its waganging gave me a skelp athort the chaftblade that was smarter than it was wel- come, and keepit me fx'om poking out my head again till the steps were let doun. Without further misadventure we drove up in graund style to the Inn's door, and, lang or we cam there, we could hear dis tinctly the sounds of music, dancing, and gilravitching of all kinds ; and baith my bairns were just beside therasclls for fear they had lost all the fun. But I quieted their apprehensions on that score by re- marking that it was not likely that anything very partecklar wouk' MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 225 take place till wo arrived, seeing iliat the stewHida had expressly sent a Ciirriage for the accommodation of our party. And tho' I wayna eleckit a steward, they kt;at tu' weel that ic couldna be in my nature to tak umbrage at unintentional negleck, and bide awa frae the ploy like some couceity bodies, that bizz, and tizz, and spit fire like a peeoy, in spite and vexation, whenever they are no made the tongue o' the trump, and happen in ony way to be owerlookit in the making up of the lists. About the door there was an uncommon crowd of men, women, and weans, ciirious to see us alicht ; and for a time I could not see a spot where to pit a foot, unless I made a straucht step forrit, and made a virtue of necessity by using the first head in my way for a stepping-stane. Seeing our dilemma, a police-oflSjiher at the outer door, wha had recognised me, immediately cleared the road, right and left, in a twinkling, with his baton, crying all the time, *' Mak way for the Bailie, ye boi'n deevils, ye ! — mak ^vay, can ye no, for the Bailie ? " and by his exertions we all got safe and sound within the porch, and without any of the women-folk getting their braws the least soiled or crumpled. It's needless to tell you ony raair about WiUie Tamson the town- offisher, standing at the ball-room door, in his new stand of scarlet claos with luilbert in hand. Whenever he got wit of me, wide open flees the muckle door as if by magic, and in I gangs gallantly support- ing my wife on my arm, while Tummas cleekit with his sister. No having been in the room for this many a year — in fack, to be plain, no since the Pitt dinners and Waterloo dinners were given up — there cnin a stound to my heart, to be shooled in as it were all of a sudden into a most spacious hall, and amang a perfect hatter of nnkent faces. But just as I was in a kind of swither whether to march forrit to the head of the room, or slip quietly doun upon an empty firm near the door, up comes ane of the stewards, and, taking my loof in baith his, shook me heartily, saying, with a very kindly laugh, "Oh ! but ye're lang o' coming, Lang, lang, lang o* coming ! Oh ! but ye're lang o' coming — Right welcome Bailie Pinvie ! " And then the Lord Provost and other gentlemen gathered round me, and in the twinkling of a bed-post I, seeing mysell amang kent friends and no frem faces, crackit as crouse as if I had been in my ain hoose laying doun the law anent domestic obedience ower my third tumbler of double nappy. Chapter IX. The Ball Itsel'. A SCENE of gi'eater splendour, beauty, and magnificence, saving and excepting, always, the royal doings at Embro', I never witnessed in my life. I am sure there was full twa hundred gentlemen and led- dies, and every ane seemed happier than anither. Then there was a perfect sea of waving plumes, and sashes, and ribands, and artificial 15 226 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, flowei-s ; and sic a variety and tasty combination of brilliant colours I'll be bound to say I never saw equalled in the best India shawl- pattern that ever came through my hands, and that's no few, as the i'eck of my friends ken. When I was in a bewilderment of delight, looking at the fine swanlike shapes of the young leddies that were gliding up and doun the room, like sae many beautifu' intelligences, or speerits from a higher world, with een glancing like diamonds, and feet sae wee and genty that when they touched the floor the sound of them was nae mair heard than if it had been a feather lichtingin the water, ail at once there burst forth, just abune my individual head, a particular fine concert of big fiddles and wee fiddles, horns, trumble- bumbles, trumpets, and what not, which was quite soul-stirring to hear. At first I thocht this might be out of compliment to me, and, not to be unceevil, I graciously bowed to the company ; but I fand I was mistane, for it was naething mair than the music striking up for a quadrille, and, as I live, wha did I see standing up in a set but Vjaith my childer, son and dochter, as prejink and genteel, or I'm far out of my reckoning, as the best born that was there ! The pride of a faither's heart on sic an occasion, naebody but a paurent that likes his ofispring weel can possibly conceive. Fashions in music and dancing have suffered great changes since my young days. I cannot say that I understood either the figure of the dance or its music ; but they were pleesant eneuch. The quadrilles are graceful and dreamy-like motions, but they dinna bring the colour to ane's cheek and gar the heart's-blood gush, like a mill-dam, frae head till heel, like the Scotch reel or Strathspey. And then there's nae clapping of hands, and whii'ling round, and crying "heuch, heuch ! " when the dance warms, and the fiddler's arms are fleeing faster than a weaver's shuttle, and they themselves lay down their lugs to their wark in dead earnest. Being a gae noticing kind of a body, I may observe that, in general, the leddies had the heels of the beaux in the matter of dancing. A good wheen of the latter, though they might slide backwards and forwards, and jee awa to this side and that side, with a bit trintle and a step weel eneuch, seemed often in a kippage to ken what to do with their shouthers and their arms and their heads. The upper and the douner man did not move in accord- ance, something like a bad rider that gangs wigglety-wagglety, clean contrary to the motion of the beast he is on the back of But the feck of the leddies carried themselves like queens ; frae head to heel they moved as a graceful and complete unity ; and had ye seen, as I saw, their bonny modest faces glancing past ye, radiant with the sweetest-natured smiles, and their countenances presenting every variety of fine outline and expression, ye wuld have exclaimed witJi -iic and Bums the poet : '* All nature swears the lovely dears, Her noblest work she classes, O ; Her prentice haund she tried on man, And then she made the laeses." I MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 227 After the quadrilles we had country dances; but, so far as I observed, neither the Haymakers nor the Soldier's Joy formed a part of the entertainment, though there were a gude number of gentlemen con- neckit with the agricultural interests of the country present, and a fine show of strapping offishers frae the barracks. The scarlet coats of the offishers, with the great bobs of gowd on their shouthers, had a fine effeck, and contrasted nicely with the silk, and satins, and muslins of the leddies, and the blue and black coats of the gentlemen '■ivilians. It is out of the power of language to describe the liveliness that a sprinkling of red coats gives to a dance. Some of the offishers lanced with their lang sv/urds at their side, and I was looking every •iiinute for anc or twa couping heels ower head, but they keepit thoir ;'oet unco weel considering all things ; nevertheless I shall be bauld to inak this observe, that it is desperate difficult to gang, let abee lance, with an iron spit hinging at ane's side. But, abune a', I thocht I 30uld see the swurds sometimes come deg against the tender shanks of the leddies, and a lick across the shins frae cauld iron is sair to bide. Our yeomanry cavalry never dance with their swurds on, and the foot soldiers should tak a pattern and example from them thereanent, from this time henceforward and forever. The country dances blawn by, then cam waltzes, and the leddies and their partners gaed round and round about like tee-totums at sic a frichtsom rate that really I lost my presence of mind for a time on seeing our Miss Jess as forward as the lave, and twirling and sooming aboot like a balloon on fire. She was driving doun the room with a tall grenadier offisher, and, seeing her whirling round him and better round him, I cried, at the highest pitch of my voice, " For Gudesake, Jess, baud fast by the sash or shouther, else ye'll for a certainty flee out at the winnock-bole like a witch, and break your harn-pan on the hard causey ! " There was an unco titter amaug the leddies, and my wife, sidling up to me, telt me to hauld my whisht and no to mak a fule o' the lassie, for she was just under the protection of a mercifu' Providence like the lave. Be that as it may, I confess I was glad to see the waltzing at an end, and our Jess again anchored on a furm, peching and blawing, but safe and sound, lith and limb, and as red in the cheek as a peony rose. Aboot this time some of the principal gentry made up parties for playing at cards, and ithers gaed to the adjacent to weet their thrapples, for the stour kicked up by the dancers was like to mak' the maist of us on-lookers a wee hue hearse. Some of us had brandy toddy, ithcvs scaudit wine — while anither class contented themsells with sma'-stell whisky made intil toddy. When I appeared in the adjacent every ane was looder than anither in praise of my fine family ; and, with faitherly pride, I telt my freends that I spared nae expense in giving my bairns a gude education, for which I received an approving nod from some gayen influential quartei'S that shall be nameless. No liaving served an apprenticeship either to the tayloring or laillinery line, I'll no pretend to give an account of the leddies' 228 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, dresses or the gentlemen's costume. In general, I may say, baith were very becoming. Some leddies were tastily, but plainly, put on ; others were gorgeously bedecked, looking like Indian empresses, or princesses of the blood royal at least ; some had caps, and ithers had iiaething but their bare heads, with a bit simple flower, or sic-like ciiaste ornament, stuck among their clustering ringlets. The news- papers gave but a faint idea of the Toutin Assembly, but, tak' my word for it, it was in every respeck uncommon pretty and creditable to the toun, beating by far and awa ony thing seen in the kingdom since the King's ball at Embro'. Anent the music, I shall say, Kinnikame played his pairt with great bir. In fack, I fand my auld timmers like to dance in despite of mysell, and noos and tans I crackit my thooms like a whip, for a gush of pleesant remembrances conneckit with the scenes of early life, whan I mysell figured at •' penny reels, bottlings," and " washing o' aprons," cam ower my heart with a fulness that even amounted to pain. I wasna then as I am now ; but circumstances have naething altered the naturality of my heart, or gart me feel ashamed of the poortith of my younger days, or turn up my neb in scorn at the innocent recreations and pastimes whilk were then within my reach. It would be weel for the hale tot of our prosperous men of the world did they think and feel like me on this and mony ither important subjects. Chapter X. [ Conteens the Hame-coming, and Particulars thereanent. But I'm spinning out the thread of my discourse, I fear, ower sma', and, lest it should break, I'll just wind up my pirn, and hae done with a remark or sae. And first, I will say, that frae beginning till end, frae the A to the Zed of this uncommon splendid concern, it was everything that a good charitable heart desired. Gaiety, elegance, good humour, and unsophisticated taste, went hand in hand through- out the nicht. Every one seemed anxious to please, and bent upon being pleased. There was nae upsetting, nae unpleaaing distinctions keepit up, farder than what correck feeling and a due regard to the conventionalities of gude society required. We were, in short, as it were, all chicks of ae cleckin, cudlin close and cosily under the ex- pansive wings of kindliest sympathy and god-like charity. All human enjoyments have an end, and sae had oor assembly. x\boot three o'clock in the momin' the company began to lift, and the room to get thinner and thinner. In a wee while afterwards a flunkey cam up to me and my wife, and telt us that our carriage was waiting at the door, whereupon we bundled up our things like douce sober folks, and gaed our ways doun the stairs, thro* the lobby, and intil the chaise ; but, there being only three insides, Tammas had to tak' an outside on the box alang with the driver ; but he was weel wrappit up in a camlet cloak, with a red comforter aboot his xieck, besides his mother insisted that he should row her shawl ower MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 229 Mb head, just to keep his teeth frae chitterin', but whether he did sae or not I cannot say, Hame we got at last without any misshanter. My wife was quite Jelightit with the entei-tainment — she is a real feeling and sensible Avoman ; and when we were in the coach and began talking about our twa bairns, their first appearance in public, she could scarcely speak, for her motherly aflection and pride were gratified to the full, but just tenderly squeezing my hand she said, " O Peter, this was a nicht ! " and I had just time to reply, " Deed's I, my doo," when the coach drew up, and the hail lot of us alichtit at our aiu bourock. Chapter XI. Cares of the Married Life. In a man's pilgiimage through the weary faucht and thoroughfare jf life he meets with mony queer customers, as weel as sindry adven- tures, the remembrance whereof is a very pleasing I'ecreation to a contemplative spirit like mine. One of these incidents in the varie- gated web of my existence I mean to endyte ; but, first and foremost, I maun set forth, in dtie order, how and in what manner I first for- gethered with the oddity it shall be my endeavour to describe. It is weel kent to ilka bodie that has as muckle harns as will be contained in the doup of a nit, or the steely point of a woman's thimble — for, as to tailors' thimbles, they hae nae doup whatsumever — that a married man has a hantle of things to fash him that bacheloi-s and single-living individuals are exempted from. In fack, they that nvG no joined in the bands of holy wedlock are a kind of landloupers, and can gang hap-stap-and-jump through life with a licht biu'den upon their back in comparison with us that are married men, having wife and weans, and their manifold concernments and adoes hinging at the tail of our coats, and sometimes clawing our lugs, if it durst be men- tioned. Howsumever, as is very well observed by an eminent veriter, no to be found in Scott's or Barry's collection of the beauties of eminent writers, that we married folks are the 'sponsible and land- biding individuals, who give hostages to society for our gude behaviour. Nevertheless, I maun repeat, that we, married men, hae an awfu' hurl-come-gush of wee things to tout us baith within doors and with- out, that nane but a married man can form ony conception of, though he were to think from this day till the morn- come-never, and that is a gay lang and dreich spell, or I am afi' my eggs. In this ax'gument I scorn to mention the graver polities and bounden duties of the faither of a family, sic as the needcessity of providing, from day to day, their daily bread, of deeding them, and schuling them, and keeping them ticht, thack and rape as we say, in everything conform to their station ; and as little will I mention the local stents and public taxes that, like sae mony condies, sook the sap and substance out of ane's purse, be it ever sae weighty ; but I'll just instance ane or twa of th« hit sma' things that put us afi" our ordinar, and mak a man like me no 230 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. that easy to be guided, unless he be cuiterit up hy some canny hand and oily tongue. Chapter XII. The Upshot o' the Fit-shaking. The worthy partner of my bed and boBom, ae nicht in the year 1828, when we were sitting thegither by the ingle-oheek in the par- lour, after the weans were put to bed, says to me, in her ain couthy way, " Bailie, ye maun trintle aff to the country the morn, for I hae an unco big washing, the handlin' ye'Il surely ken, couldna be got ower without filin' mair than ordinar, and me and the twa servants as weel as an extra hand, will be busy as bumbees amang blankets and washing-boins. AiblLns, ye can gang doun and see the Provost of Arinthrow, the auld Toun Clark, or some ither respectable frien' and acquaintance." "What maun be maun be," quo I, "my bonny doo j but really ye should have let me ken o' this hurry afore the now, for the fack is, I dinna weel ken where to show ray neb. Arinthrow is out of the question ; for ye ken the last time I was there, I got mair drink than was good for me, and there is nae need for a man just to throw himsel in the way of temptation and mischief." Chapter XIII. What cam' o* Lookin' Out for my Pick, The morning, as a matter of course, came round ; and, after swallowing my breakfast, consisting of tea, eggs, and ham, two j^enny pan-soled baps, forbye a farl of cake-bread and a thimblefu' of brandy in the last cup, by way of a lacer, I sallied furth, stafi" in hand, to *' puss " my fortune, as the fairy tale says ; and proceeded to the Causeyside, to hear what was doing in the manufacturing line, and if ony good stroke of business had been done in the spring, or ony thing worth mentioning expeckit at the fall. Here, of course, I forgethered with an uncommon number of corks, for they were all standing at their warehouse-doors, watching for the Glasgow customers ; for it was the market-day, and every one was glegger nor his neighbour in looking after the niain chance. Not being in business, I was perfectly easy in my mind, and sticking my twa thoombs in my waistcoat at the oxter, chatted with this one or the other, just as it might happen, while taking a turn on the sunny side of the street, frae the head of Plunkin till the Water-Wynd. Me and some six mair had made a sort of pause opposite the Cumberland- Well, when, lo and behold ! a figure turns the corner of the Wynd, and maks straucht up the Causeyside, casting a blink, now and then, up till the sign-brods on every hand. He is a merchant, says one ; I'm no thinking that, says anither. He is a perfect stranger, says a third : and in a jiffey, the hail tot left me, and, to my astonishment, they one by one accosted the stranger, but he seemed to be desperate short with them, for every man and mother's son of them bundled aff into their warehouses, as if they had touched a nettle. Losh preserve MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 231 us a' ! says I to mysel, this mauu be a queer shaver that ventures u\> the Causeyside on a market-day, and neither means to buy, nor sell, nor pick, nor dab with our manufacturers. It's a desperate tempting of Providence, to say the least of it ; howsumever, we shall see the upshot of sic a reckless course. Chapter XIV. Mair anent the Come-by-luck. Weel, as I was saying, this figure of a man cam sauntering up the street at his ain leisure, and my curiosity was naturally roused to an uncommon degi'ee, to get an inkling of what he was, what he wanted, and where he cam frae. It was clear and manifest in the licht of my understanding, that he was not a buyer of muslins or shawls, nor a seller of silks or cottons, from the way in which my friends, sue soon as they spoke to him, snooled into their warehouses with their tails atwcen their feet, and their hands in their pouches, as if they had trampit on a taid, or mistain a docken for a daisy, whilk would be foolish eneuch even tliough they had been born stan-blin', or had lost their precious eesight blastin' rocks in a quarry, or by ony sic pitiful accident. Seeing him bent upon making good his passage through the Oausey- side — whether for profit or pleasure it was hard to say from his manner — I determined to keep a sickar look-out on his motions, and if possible to discover what his motives were in coming to pry in- to the iniquities and abominations of the land. Of course, i continued to stand forenent the Cumberland-Well, keeping the tail of my e'e upon him, while with the other I was pretending to overlook the erection of a new sign that some painter lads were fixing aboon a spirit-chop that had opened there the day before, and whilk, you may weel jalouse, was very conveniently situated for the commodity of water, the pump- well being just at the step of the door, and quite as handy as the bool of the pint-stoup on the compter. Standing in this eaay-osy way, and giving my stick a bit authoritative floui-ish noos and tans, who should muk straucht up to me but the very individual that I was quietly watching, who inquired very politely if I would have the goodness to inform him whereabouts in the city Mr. Pirnie lesided. Hearing my ain name mentioned, I felt a bit tiitter at my heart, but, as he was ceevil-spoken, and in the quality of his cleedin' as weel put on as mysel, I immediately replied, that there were twa or three of that name in our gate-end, but if ho would condescend on the business or profession of his frien', I thocht it might probably be with- in the compass of my power and ability to put him upon the light scent, and thereby keep him frae ony mair bellwavering or wandering up and down the streets. And with that, I gied my watch-seals a bit jingle, satisfied that it was not very likely that ony ither of the Pirnies of our town was ever kent in far-awa pairts sae weel as mysel. 232 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN. '* Of Mr. Pirnie's profession or business,' says the stranger gentle- man in a very solemn and discreet tone, " I am profoundly ignorant ; but the gentleman from whom I received a letter of introduction to Mr. Pirnie, informed me that he was the Lord Provost, head Bailie, or some such other municipal dignitary ; and an individual of great respectability and notoriety in this city ; and indeed the only gentle- man who could be of service to me in my peculiar pursuits, connected, as these are, at the present moment, with local history and antiquities." "Ye' re a sma' thocht wrang, frien'," says I; " but I'm thinking the person ye want is now standing bodily present afore your een." When- ever I had said this, the thin-chafted and thochtful-looking gentleman brightened up wonderfully, and, after blessing his stars that he had met with me so readily, he claps a letter intil my loof, written by my Embro' man of business, which begged me to pay all the attention in my power to the very learned Reginald Roustythrappil, Esq. of Deafnut Hall ; he having come to Paisley for the purpose of making some antiquarian researches into the nature of its pearl fisheries and shipping dnring the time of the Romans, forbye a hundred other odds and ends, that were set furth in such lang-nebbit words, that I really found it difficult to spell them, let alane understand them. Chapter XV. Mair anent Personal Appearance and On-put. Mv new frien' and acquaintance, the laird of Deafnut-Ha', was a tall, thin, wiry man, standing on his stocking-soles I would guess about 5 feet 11, or 5 feet 11|. His complexion was a sort of iron- grey, shaded off with a clearish yellow about the chafts. In the matter of a nose, he was, like mysel, ordinar weel-gif ted ; but his was a scent langer, as weel as heicher in the brig, and not sae braid in the neb as mine. His forehead was heich and cone-shaped, and, I may add, that though he had a gey tate of hair on his eebrow, his locks were thin about the haffets. From his looks I would have guessed him to be about forty, mair or less ; but ane can never guess within aucht or ten years the real age of bany and shranky bodies. Anent his cleedin', I will say this for him, that in the quality of the claith it was good entjuch, for I got an opportunity of drawing my finger over his coat-sleeve quietly and unnoticed, and it was the best superfine black, 36s. or 40s. at the least, per yard. But it was apparent to any one that had the sense of a sookin tui'key, and kent what was what, that the adorning of the outward man didna form, ilka morn after leaving his nest, an essential part of his moral duty. There is an observe in an auld writer anent the wearing of our garments, which is worth rehearsing for its excellence : — " Two things in my apparel I will only aim at, commodiousness and decency ; beyond these, I know not how aught may be commendable ; yet I hate an effeminate spruce- nesse as much as a phantasticke disorder ; a neglective comeliness is a man's ornament." MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 233 Chapter XVI. Ane Adventurous FHcht, whiHc nearly ended in a Douncome. I WAS anxious to get oui' Antiquary harled up to the High Kii-k ; foi* his strange figure, violent gestures, and the way that he wapped about his hands, had by this time gathered a gay pickle folk about us. What faschit me maist was some of my ain frien's, in daikering back- wards and forwards in the square, with their hands in their breek- pouches, or stuck in theii- oxters, coming within ear-shot, and sapng till ane anither, loud eneuch for Mr. Roustythrappil to hear, " Whatten a queer neighbour is that the Bailie's got in tow with 1 Surely they winna cast out ; I declare they'll fecht. Weel it's a pity, the Bailie, puir bodie, demeans himsel wi' takin' ony sic chat afF the hands of that doure, doun-looking sneck-drawer. Od, if it was me, I would hand him ower to Captain Jamfray of the Police, in the dooble of nae time." This was really a tempting of Providence on their pairt, as weel as an affront to mysel, that I didna pass ower neist time we for- gethered in the Bailie's club, for I gied them their ditty, het and heavy ; but after they had apologeesed, I tell't them, as in duty bound, all I kent and a wee scent mair about Mr. Roustythrappil. It was really a mercy, however, that that gentleman being a thocht deaf in his near lug, owing to his having catched a cauld while sitting at the sea-side ae stormy afternoon listening like a sea-maw or kittywake to the sough of the wind and the jaupin' of the Avaves. He assured me that the thundering waves of the ocean, as they dashed themselves belly-flaucht against the caverned rocks, made far grander music to his ears than all the orchestras in the world heaped together could produce. No being particularly weel skilled in musical science, never having advanced farder therein than to croon ower the " Aiikl Hundred," or the '■ Martyr's," I could not contradict him ; howsum- ever, I closed the business by observing that, if it wasna that good, it was at least dirt cheap, which, in a mercantile point of view, was a great objeck. Now, this sensible observe of mine brought on another brulzie between us that was out of a' character ; but I may keep that to speak aboot in due season ; all that I wish to have explained here is, that my fiery frien' had that great conveniency and positive advan- tage till a man in his progress through life, called a deaf lug. Chapter XVIL A Stout Heart to a Stey Brae, Off we set at last for the High Kirk, and after warsling up the bi'ae as weel as could be, we got into the steeple, and up the stair we scrambled like twa cats after a cusheydoo or a mealy mouse. I never had ony great liking to speel up to the heichest buttlins, for a bodies' head is apt to get licht at that extraordinar altitude. Then the ladder is aye shoggy-shooing, and the idea is perfectly frichtsome, lest it break, and a body be tumbled doun headlang and brained without 234 THE LAIRD OF LOGAN, mercy upon the muckle bell. It really gars a' my flesh grou to think «|>on sic a catastrophe. It is weel kent that I am as bauld as my neibours, having been enrolled in the Gentle Corps of Volunteers, and having marched doun to Greenock with knapsack on back, cartridge- l>ox at my hinderlets, musquet shouldered, and bayonet fixed, deter- mined to face and to fecht the bloody French, if thej^ ever daured to laud at the shore ; but for a' that, there is nae needcessity for ouy man, by way of a boast, to put himsel in unnecessar pei'il. Thir were my lefltctions, I candidly confess, when I was climbing up the ladder after Mr. lioustythrappil. The twa sides of it were so thin and shachly, in fack they looked nae gritter than a fishing wand, and they jeed and sweed hither and thither at sic a rate that I looked for the hail con- cern breaking through the middle, and baitli o' u« losing our precious lives for a piece o' idle daurin. Weel, we were baith creepin up the ladder like twa monkey beasts or jackey-tars, and I was beginning to look and mak my observes upon my uei hour's bumphlit pouches to see whether they had a steek as I jaloused to keep a' tight, when the ladder gies such a creak and heezie up and doun that I thocht it was all up, and that baith of us were on the eve of spinning heads ower heels frae top to boddum, getting a dunch here, a clour there, and a jundie everywhere, till we came clash down, twa disfigured masses of broken banes and lifeless flesh. A man of ordinar courage would have swarfed. But for me, I held a death-grip of the ladder ; and jamming my head between twa of the steps, to he out of the way, in case my frien' had lost his futting, I laid mysel as flat as possible, to let him trintle ower me in his doun- come as easily as possible. In this posture I clung for some time with my een steekit ; for the fack is I couldna bide the sicht of seeing ony body, far less a frien', cutting flourishes in the air and posting aflF til! eternity, as a body might say, in a coach-and-four, with *^e deil him- sel for an outrider. The sensible heart may conceive the horror of that awsome moment. There was me, the head of a house, a married man and a faither, swinging midway between earth and heaven — the ladder creaking and jigging under my weight, and threatening tc snap richt through the middle ; and then labouring under the appre- hension that poor Mr. Eoustythi'appil wouldna hae the benefit of p, clean fall, but come bang against the back of my neck wi' a thud that might either break it or the laddei' — in ony case a fatal issue — or that he in his mortal desjjeration (drowning men catch at straes) might mak a claucht at me in i)assing and harl me after him to the pit of destruc- tion. A boon me I heard a sair strusslin', fitterin', pechin', and grain- in', though I saw naething, on account of my een being steekit, as aforesaid ; but it immediately came intil my head that this breingin and stramash must needs be atweesht my puir unfortunate frien' and the Betheral, as ilk ane was strivin' to save himsel frae destruction, at the expense of his neighbour according to law. Ane was eneuch ; but baith to tumble down upon my tap, was naething short o' doun- richt murder. MEMOIRS OF A PAISLEY BAILIE. 23s Chapter XVIII. The Middle o' the Mishanter, with a Husband and Father's Reflections thereon. I ROARED out to them not to get intil grips, but if they bood to come hurtiing ower me, to talc time and do it, ane after the ither ; and \vi' t'^at I steekit my een closex' and closer thegither, jammed my head far'er and far'er through the steps, and made up my mind to die like a Roman or a real game-cock. To look doun was impossible — a bodie's head would have spun round like a peerie, to contemplate a tumble 01 at least two hunder feet. About half-way doun, ane was fiiire to come whack against the bell, and there be clean knocked t