atomic CaU0,
 
 LONDON : 
 
 ItlNTKD L\ lU IL.W, Ij L\ ON > il 1 II FM K I.L T, i;i> 11 Ul'SU AT.
 
 COMIC TALES, 
 
 IN VERSE; 
 WRITTEN FOR THE AUTHORS' AMUSEMENT, AND PUBLISHED 
 
 FOR THE 
 PRECEDED BY 
 
 A POETICAL PROTEST 
 
 AGAINST 
 
 OBLIVTO SHELF, Esq. 
 
 BY TWO FRANKS. 
 
 LONDON: 
 PRINTED FOPv W. FEARMAN, NEW BOND STREET.
 
 PR 
 A 1 c " 
 
 Co tlje Ueatftv* 
 
 As tliere are occasional allusions in the following Tales to the 
 presence of an Auditory, it may he requisite to apprize the Beader, 
 that the major part of them irere ivrittenfor Recitation, ivhich 
 may serve, at the same time, as an apology for the looseness of the 
 style, the object being to avoid an unpleasant monotony of sound.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 PROTEST against OBLIVIO SHELF, Esq. By Young Frank . . 9 
 
 NOTT Old Frank ... 15 
 
 ROGER HOGMAN and his PIGS You7ig Frank . . 23 
 
 THE MISTAKEN PRESCRIPTION Old Frank ... 33 
 
 DOCTOR LARRUP Young Frank . . 43 
 
 SOUND SLEEPING Old Frank ... 53 
 
 CHERRY-BOUNCE Young Frank . . 61 
 
 THE TRAVELLER . Old Frank ... 71 
 
 SALLY RODGERS You7ig Frank . . 77 
 
 THE VERDICT Old Frank ... 87 
 
 THE PLUMPER Y-oung Frank . . 97 
 
 THE MINCED PIE Old Frank ... 105 
 
 NUTMEGS and ALLSPICE Young Frank . .113 
 
 THE LIVING TOMBSTONE Old Frank ... 125 
 
 THE ESSENCE OF PUNNING Young Frank . . 135 
 
 TIME Old Frank ... 141 
 
 THE SALAMANDER Youjig Frank . . 149 
 
 EPIGRAM Old Frank ... 155 
 
 EPIGRAM Ditto ibid 
 
 EPIGRAM Ditto 156
 
 %. 
 
 COMIC TALES. 
 
 PROTEST. 
 
 Know all men, by these presents, We 
 
 Aspire to immortality. 
 
 And think this method far the fittest. 
 
 To give a taste of what our wit est: 
 
 On which we claim to be exempt 
 
 From sinking into vile contempt. 
 
 We have two coats that yawn for stitches, 
 
 With two indifferent pair of br es ; 
 
 B
 
 10 COMIC TALKS. 
 
 We seldom eat, we seldom drink, 
 
 We gaze on many a straw-slutl'tl chink ; 
 
 We've ta'en a garret, barely proof 
 
 'Gainst rain or snow-drops at the roof; 
 
 Yea, you must toil a good score miles. 
 
 To find a roof so bare of tiles ! 
 
 But, 'twou'd be Inspiration's slaughter, 
 
 To block out Heaven's own wind and water; 
 
 To think and breath in dusky twilight, 
 
 AVhen we can have so much good s%-light ! 
 
 To sit, when dinner time arrives. 
 
 With unemployed thoughts and knives; 
 
 When we can let in Mister Phoebus, 
 
 And feast upon a rhyme or rebus ! 
 
 Or fancy, through the grinning rafters, 
 
 The sailing clouds, bright fairy wafters !
 
 COMIC TALES. 11 
 
 Thus qualified, in such a station, 
 
 We write with loftiest inspiration ! 
 
 And surely none will dare refuse us 
 
 A reading, ere they 'gin t'abuse us : 
 
 Then thumb, and dogsear as you will. 
 
 So that you do but read us still ; 
 
 Cut up, deface us, or dissect us. 
 
 But do not, do not, quite neglect us ! 
 
 For that monopolizer. Shelf, 
 
 That stationary-dealing elf. 
 
 Who keeps for letter-press a depot. 
 
 And causeth unread bards to weep O, 
 
 Is ever adding to his store. 
 
 And we shall be prick'd down " two more," 
 
 Unless you keep us from his shelves. 
 
 By boldly reading us yourselves. 
 b2
 
 12 COMIC TALE<:, 
 
 Oh! Pater noster! must we go 
 To sleep in Paternoster Roic? 
 And there, hke youth in prison caoed^ 
 In dirt grow prematurely aged ! 
 Slumber with novel-writing Eves, 
 In cobweb gloom, with uncut leaves ; 
 With lay and lyrical inditers, 
 And an unheard of herd o/" writers, 
 Who shudder at the name of garret, 
 And blush not e'en to sport a char'ot? 
 A char'ot ! yea, perhaps in state 
 Sit at the tables of the great, 
 And, as they clean the dainty platter. 
 Chatter and eat, and eat and chatter ! 
 Oh ! dirt and poverty ! forcfcnd 
 That we should ever so descend !
 
 CO MIC TALES. 13 
 
 That we should e'er despise our garret; 
 That we should ever sport a char'ot! 
 Farewell to genius it would warj) it, 
 To study on a Turkey carpet ! 
 Farewell to genius it would kill it, 
 To feast each day on leg or fillet! 
 Farewell to genius it would choke it, 
 Close to a sea-coal fire to smoke it ! 
 Farewell to genius we must lose it, 
 Should Port or Sherry make us booze it ! 
 Far hence be all such treacherous pleasuret 
 If they would thus cut up our measures. 
 
 Then read, and save us from that elf; 
 Protect us from that rascal, Shelf: 
 We here Protest against his right 
 To claim a Hue such bards indite;
 
 14 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Bards, whose poor garret is their glory ! 
 Whose fictions grace the highest story ! 
 At once so elegant, and attic. 
 So airy, and yet so aquatic! 
 And, for all injuries and crosses, 
 We warn him, that we hold the loss his! 
 London no matter what the date is, 
 " In testimonium veritatis." 
 
 OLD FRANK, 
 VOING FRANK
 
 NOTT. 
 
 A TRUE TALE. 
 
 A LIVELY tale, with spirit told, 
 Diffuses mirth to young and old ; 
 Good humour gives it due applause, 
 And hearty laughter joins the cause ; 
 Thus, seeing sprightly mirth prevail, 
 I catch the moment, and begin my tale. 
 
 In London Neighbours, look at home, 
 I shall be very nigh to some. 
 In London Sir, don't knit your brow; 
 I've nothing personal, I vow;
 
 16 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Nor you, good Madam, think I'll prattle 
 Scandal tea-visit tittle-tattle ; 
 All such mean stories I forbear. 
 Unfit to please a lady's ear. 
 In London, where firm Vigilance unites 
 With Justice, to protect our rights, 
 Each Housekeeper, in turn, must be 
 A Constable, or pay a fee. 
 It happen'd, that one Mr. XoTT, 
 Who, neighbour-like, paid scot and lot. 
 Was chosen Constable, though the job 
 He did not like much less to rob 
 His pocket of ten pounds to pay 
 A substitute, the easier way 
 Of serving- that he truly thought 
 A lesson much too dearly bought ;
 
 COMIC TALES. 17 
 
 So, though in such a case a novice, 
 He took upon himself the office. 
 NoTT, I should tell you, was a man 
 Not form'd on any niggard plan ; 
 And though a negative, was not 
 Confin'd in principles, to spot, 
 Or party, nor in church nor state : 
 His mind was lib'ral, and his heart was great! 
 He lov'd the social board the friend, 
 Whom he could trust and recommend ; 
 Lov'd joking, and could find some fun in 
 That small sword wit, denoted Punning. 
 NoTT, now in office, did as he thought 
 Best no angry fray or tumult sought ; 
 For in such scenes of strife, there's double 
 Vexation, and much extra trouble.
 
 18 COMIC TALKS. 
 
 So smoothly pass'd seven mouths, or more, 
 No charge obHg'd him shew liis power, 
 Nor e'er requir'd him night or day, 
 To take a part in broil or tVay. 
 But in this great Metropohs, 
 Some folks are prone to act amiss : 
 Coachmen and Carmen, Fishfags, too, 
 (To give fam'd Bilhngsgate its due) 
 Will oft annoy more quiet folk, 
 By kicking up a row in joke ; 
 AVhich oftentimes in tamest ending, 
 Is certainly their time uiisj)t iidinu. 
 Some ladies of this class, one day, 
 Along Nott's district took their way; 
 What made their tender bosoms swell 
 \V ith bursting choler, I cant tell:
 
 COMIC TALES. 19 
 
 Whether the potency of gin 
 Caus'd the disturbance to begin. 
 Or short allowance made the fraction ; 
 They suddenly prepar'd for action. 
 
 You've heard of flying fish ! they fly 
 Twixt air and water sea and sky : 
 Such was the motley mixture here, 
 Except, these flew 'twixt earth and air. 
 Away went sprawling flounders, dabs, 
 Oldwives, maids, thornbacks, skait, and crabs ! 
 A passenger slap dash in's face, 
 lleceiv'd not very siceet a stiiikimj plaice ! 
 He sputter'd, chaf'd, and storui'd aloud, 
 Amidst the gaping, grinning crowd, 
 Call'd for a Constable! the lot 
 Fell upon worthy Mr. Nott!
 
 20 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Quick goes the man, brim-full of ire 
 
 " Sir, your assistance 1 require ; 
 
 " I'm all bedaub'd, and much disgrac'd, 
 
 " By having stinking fish tnisplacd; 
 
 " You are a constable^" " My friend, 
 
 " Such people will assistance lend ; 
 
 " I'm NoTT a constable." Off goes 
 
 The man, vowing revenge for spatter'd clothes; 
 
 But found, by some odd chance or nick, 
 
 That NoTT had play'd a slipp'ry trick. 
 
 Next at Guildhall he makes complaint. 
 
 Sufficient to provoke a saint; 
 
 A summons gets for Xott t'appear, 
 
 Before the magisterial chair, 
 
 Whose bounden duty 'twas to wait 
 
 I'pon the Aldernuiii that sat.
 
 COMIC TALES. 21 
 
 The appellant there his charge preferr'd, 
 And NoTT, in his defence, was heard : 
 " An't please your Worship, I deny 
 " Tlie charge in toto, and defy 
 " This man to prove, that when ill-used, 
 " To act in office I refused. 
 " He came, complained ; 'tis true, I said, 
 " I'm NoTT a constable his head, 
 " Your Worship, lacking something here, 
 " 'Twixt fact and falsehood could not steer, 
 " So brings me up, and angry tries, 
 " To prove that I've been telling lies : 
 " Your Worship knows that what I say 
 " Is honest truth as clear as day." 
 The Magistrate, who saw the joke. 
 Thus gravely and thus wisely spoke:
 
 22 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " That you are Nott a Constable, is clear, 
 " And such, in truth, you've made appear, 
 " So Mr. XoTT must be enlarg'd, 
 " T'other with all expences charg'd." 
 Though it cost little, Nott's defence. 
 The charge cost t'other some cxpcnee. 
 Thus Nott oft quibbles on his name. 
 And you must think him not to blame. 
 
 OLD FRANK.
 
 ROGER HOGMAN AND HIS PIGS, 
 
 OR, 
 
 A BEARISH TALE. 
 
 In a small hamlet, town, or village, 
 
 Which I can't say, 
 However, this I know, folks liv'd by tillage. 
 
 Or something in that way: 
 (Excuse my poHsh'd style) 
 I know as much about a plough 
 As clowns do how to make a bow, 
 
 Or courteously to smile : 
 Now that I think apology enough. 
 For all in this narration you would huff.
 
 24 COMIC TALKS, 
 
 AVcll ! to return to this little village, 
 AVhere the people liv'd by tillage, 
 
 As I said before ; 
 In one house, one that had a door, 
 (That's what I have not said before) 
 
 There dwelt a man: 
 " Well ! was he the only one like Adam, 
 ' Before he had a madam, 
 
 ' And liv'd among the birds, and beasts, and fishes, 
 " And ate his dinner without plates or dishes?" 
 
 No there were many more ; 
 Somewhere between a dozen and a score: 
 The man I'd name was Ilograan christen'd Roger; 
 ^ind Roger Ilogman was a hearty codger ; 
 What's more, he had a sow and litter; 
 ifc had a wife too, and that's better: 
 
 Ilcr name was Nan,
 
 COMIC TALES. 25 
 
 The palace in which Roger Hogman's pigs 
 
 (Observe, by some 'twas call'd a stye) 
 Fed, squeak'd, and grunted, and play'd other rigs. 
 
 Stood in a yard close by. 
 Now Roger Hogman's pretty little grunters, 
 
 (Like many farmers' sheep. 
 Nay, sometimes geese, fowls, nags, or hunters,) 
 
 Walk'd strangely in their sleep : 
 Some would contend, that they 
 
 Were carried off, or stolen; 
 Others would say. 
 
 That they had slipp'd. 
 Tumbled or tripp'd. 
 
 Some yawning gully hole in. 
 
 Hero, as in all affairs of doubt, 
 
 Conjectures How in swarms about; 
 c
 
 26 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Yet, aiming at no certain mark,' 
 
 Poor Roger still was in the dark : 
 
 He knew full well that they were gone; 
 
 But how? 
 " They've singly left me, one by one, 
 " Except the sow, 
 " And she is single now," 
 Said Roger Ilograan, in a dohjful tone. 
 Somewhere between a whisper and a groan. 
 
 While in this meditating mood, 
 With body slightly bent he stood, 
 One hand in pocket, t'other scratching 
 His head, as if he would be catching 
 
 His pigs again. 
 
 Poor simple swain,
 
 COMIC TALES. 27 
 
 A bear, with monarch's stately stride, 
 Approach'd him by his master's side. 
 And now the pith and marrow of the story 
 I'll lay before ye : 
 
 First, you must know, 
 
 The keeper's name was Signior Bruno : 
 
 Well ! Master Bruno, Bruin's master, said, 
 
 " I vanta for my bear von bed; 
 
 ** As I vas come along, I spy, 
 
 " Dere, in your yard, von snug a-a pigstye ; 
 
 " Vill you, to night, let Bruin sleep-a dere ? 
 
 " Cause at de Crown, 
 
 " Vere I lay down, 
 " Dey have no bed to spare." 
 c 2
 
 28 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Roger was willing to accommodate. 
 Yet not a little puzzled how 
 To lodge his last-remaining sow : 
 Twas best, he thought, at any rate 
 To put her in his own stone kitchen, 
 (Thinking to walk she had an itching) 
 And lend the stye to Signior Bruno ; 
 'Twas but one night, and that would soon gr 
 
 Terms being arrang'd, 
 The sow's old residence was chang'd ; 
 And soon the bear was in the stye, 
 Well chain'd, though, by the bye, 
 His chain would let him walk about 
 As far as the sow could without.
 
 COMIC TALES. 29 
 
 Soon midnight came but I'm no poet: 
 Lord ! how some geniuses would go it, 
 If they had stumbled upon midnight there ! 
 They'd have apostrophiz'd it quite thread-iarc ; 
 Well ! midnight came, and with it came the poacher, 
 On Roger Hogman's farm a sly encroacher: 
 Softly he crept, lest he should wake bow-wow. 
 And lose the last-remaining fattest sow. 
 Eager to hold the prize within his arms. 
 For which he'd brav'd traps, guns, and dogs' alarms. 
 Without more preface he embrac'd the bear. 
 Who, most politely, gave him " neighbour's fare," 
 
 And took good care 
 
 To keep him there: 
 The thief, not liking this rough salutation, 
 Strove to regain his former station ;
 
 30 COMIC TALES. 
 
 But in vain ; 
 For Bruin hugg'd and grow I'd, 
 And he, poor devil, liowl'd 
 
 With pain. 
 
 Roger, alarm'd at such a clatter. 
 
 Soon ran to learn what was the matter; 
 
 " Here, Nan, make haste and bring a light, 
 
 " For here be some unlucky wight, 
 
 " As far as I can see, in awkard plight:" 
 
 When Nan appcar'd, 
 
 The mist was clear'd : 
 " So, neighbour Kill'em, it was yow 
 " As com'd to bone my fioslnj sow ? 
 " But, mun, I'll have ye tried, hang'd, and disscclcd!
 
 COMIC TALES. 31 
 
 *' I'll bet wi' any man a groat, 
 " My pigs have all gone down your throat ; 
 " And when you're opend, why you'll be detected." 
 
 YOUNG FRANK. 
 
 [The incident on which this Tale is founded took place at a 
 village in Berkshire.]
 
 33 
 
 THE MISTAKEN PRESCRIPTION. 
 
 A MEDICAL TALE. 
 
 Mistakes are common all through life, 
 
 A man Miss takes and she becomes his Wife 
 
 In this perhaps they're both mistaken, 
 
 So never claim the Fhtch of Bacon, 
 
 But such mistakes I'll let alone. 
 
 And now begin in serious tone. 
 
 An Officer in quarters lay 
 At Dublin that, you'll say, 
 Is nothing very strange or sad : 
 True but he was taken very bad,
 
 34 COMIC TALES. 
 
 And though there's nothing new in that, 
 Yet the prescription that he took to cure 
 His malady, I'm sure. 
 Was new, was wonderful, was strange, 
 
 And you may range 
 The pharmacopeia o'er and o'er. 
 You'll not find any thing that's pat, 
 Though you should all your life-time pore. 
 His case was fever, raging, burning. 
 
 He took to's bed, 
 With fiery eyes and aching head, 
 And toss'd as if on glowing cinders turning 
 The Doctor came ('twas very needful,) 
 And he displayed his skill most heedful ; 
 He wrote for pills and draughts, to drivt: 
 The devil out dead or alive;
 
 COMIC TALES. 35 
 
 And as the gentleman might still be worse, 
 
 He order'd too, 
 
 (Quite right, you know) 
 A steady, careful, good old Nurse. 
 And quickly to the Patient came, 
 As recommended, the old Dame. 
 She curtsied, look'd him in the face. 
 Shook her grey locks, and much deplor'd his case ! 
 " Och! honey! you are very ill, 
 
 " But never mind, 
 
 " We soon shall find 
 
 " All your complaint, 
 
 " By the good Saint 
 " Patrick, and the Doctor's skill." 
 After this wise remark, I need Jiot say, 
 
 You must not wonder,
 
 3G COMIC TALES. 
 
 Should she commit a blunder 
 
 In the Irish way. 
 I prithee, Gents, make no objection ; 
 I do not mean the least reflection. 
 
 You'll recollect this is a case quite serious, 
 The Patient lay in bed almost delirious, 
 
 The fever raging in his veins; 
 When soon arriv'd a draught to do him good. 
 And pills to quell the boiling of his blood, 
 
 And ease his grievous pains. 
 Nurse pour'd the draught into a cup, 
 And soon the sick man drank it up; 
 The box of pills with care she placed 
 Where various things the mantel graced. 
 Because two hours must pass away 
 To let the potion have fair [)lay.
 
 COMIC TALES. 37 
 
 That time elaps'd. Nurse made all spend. 
 
 The Patient with the pills to feed; 
 
 She op'd the box and gave him tivo, 
 
 He gulp'd them down without ado; 
 
 Two more, and then tivo more must follow. 
 
 These rather stuck within his swallow ; 
 
 " Good Nurse, some drink." He drank, and then 
 
 Boldly attack'd the pills again. 
 
 Two more went down, and then two more. 
 
 Which made the number half a score. 
 
 " More drink so many is provoking, 
 
 " 3Iy throat is full I'm almost choking." 
 
 " Arrah, my jewel, let me tell 
 
 " You, these will shortly make you well, 
 
 " Whether you will or not be easy, 
 
 " And make a dozen up, an't please ye."
 
 38 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Two more he took. " I prithee say, 
 " Good jSurse, how many there remains?" 
 " Two, four, live, seven, nine, ten, twelve aye, 
 " By Shelah, good St. Patrick's cousin, 
 
 " The box contains 
 " Exact another dozen ! " 
 '* A Dozen more ! " the sick man cries, 
 (Trembling with fever and surprise) 
 " I thought Apothecaries vended 
 " By retail, till the Patient mended; 
 " But this ! by iEsculapius good, 
 " By all that ever medicine understood, 
 " This sells his poison wholesale !^^ 
 
 This boisterous gale 
 Of angry passion o'er, 
 She coax'd him to get down two more, 
 And thus at length he swidlowi <l tu:<'iiti/~fovif
 
 COMIC TALES. 39 
 
 Worn with fatigue some time he lay. 
 To pain and angry thoughts a prey; 
 
 But soon his agony increas'd, 
 For, lo! the pills lay undigested; 
 Hard at his stomach, there they rested, 
 
 And fill'd with dreadful pain his breast. 
 The doctor must be call'd ; he came, 
 
 Enquir'd each symptom shrugg'd his shoulders. 
 He, apprehensive for his fame. 
 
 And, for the Patient, one or two beholders. 
 " Did you administer the draught?" " Och, yes." 
 " The pills?"" 'Tis they have caus'd all this," 
 Exclaims the Officer, " Did you suppose 
 " 1 was a horse, that you sent such a dose? 
 " Damme ! We four and twenty bullets lying 
 " In my stomach, and I'm dying ! "
 
 40 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Bullets ! " repeats the Doctor, with surprise, 
 
 " Sir, I'm a man of peace, and either })ill 
 
 " I sent was meant to cure not kill: 
 
 " Besides, I sent but two" he straight replies, 
 
 " By heaven, I've swallow'd tu-enty-fonr!" tiie sick 
 
 man cries. 
 A squinting servant of the house stood l)y. 
 And toward the shelf she cast an eye ; 
 She op'd the Doctor's box, and then^ 
 The pills both snug and safe appear. 
 Another box upon the shelf rcmain'd 
 
 Empty. " Why Nurse," she squalls. 
 
 And at the Doctor like a fury bawls, 
 " This box, now empty, once contain'd 
 
 " What the poor Gentleman has taken; 
 " Were he an Ostrich, or the I'riiice of (iliittons, 
 
 " You'd scarcely save his hacoii.
 
 C'OMIC TALES. 41 
 
 " For by heaven ! 
 " You have given 
 " Him two dozen round Shirt Buttons!'' 
 
 OLD FRANK. 
 
 [This Tale, though perhaps, like the buttons, hard of digestion, is vouched 
 for by a friend of tlie Author.]
 
 43 
 
 DOCTOR LARRUP, 
 
 A LOFTY STORY. 
 
 " What is a schoolmaster? " Why, can't you tell ? 
 A quizzical old man 
 Arm'd with a ratan ; 
 Wears a huge wig-. 
 
 And struts about; 
 Strives to look big. 
 
 With spectacles on snout. 
 
 And most important pout, 
 
 Who teaches Uttle boys to read and spell. 
 D 2
 
 44 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Such my description is, of a man, 
 
 If not a clergyman a layman. 
 
 So much by way of definition, 
 
 And, to prevent dull disquisition. 
 
 We'll shortly take a new position. 
 
 A schoolmaster, (it mostly follows) 
 
 Who keeps a school, must have some scholars, 
 
 Unless indeed, (which said at once is) 
 
 Instead of scholars they're all dunces; 
 
 Or, if this fancy more should tickle. 
 
 Suppose them mix'd, like Indian pickle. 
 
 One Doctor Larrup, as depicted here. 
 Who little boys had flogg'd for many a year, 
 Not that they wouldn't learn their ABC, 
 Their Uic, luec, hoc, Syntax, or Prosody;
 
 COMIC TALES. 45 
 
 But that, despite 
 Of all his might, 
 And oft enforced rules of right, 
 They would contrive, by day or night, 
 To steal oh !^iM<?/-hearted sparks, 
 Worse than to little fish or sharks, 
 (Alas ! to tell it my Muse winces,) 
 To steal his apples, pears, and quinces. 
 Put them where'er he would, alike their dooms, 
 His eiforts prov'd as fruitless as his rooms. 
 As a pert dunghill cock, inliam'd with ire. 
 Erects his feathers and his comb of fire. 
 When of some grains, his own by right, 
 He's robb'd by foes that take to flight, 
 So stood the Doctor :
 
 40 COMIC TALES. 
 
 With face as red 
 
 As coral bed. 
 His wig cockt forward in his eye, 
 As if it there the cause wouhl spy. 
 
 Had his wife been there, 
 
 I do declare 
 It would have shock'd her. 
 
 After long bufFetting in mental storm, 
 
 His brain's thermometer fell from hot to warm: 
 
 At many plans by turns he grapples. 
 
 To save his quinces, pears, and apples; 
 
 When luckily, into his noddle 
 
 His recollection chanc'd to toddle. 
 
 This sage informant told poor Larru[), 
 
 It'Iic'd roiivev liis fruit so far ii|),
 
 COMIC TALES. 47 
 
 That, on his house's top there stood, 
 A room, well floor d, I think with wood. 
 Twas what some folks a Loft would call ; 
 The entrance through a trap-door small, 
 Fix'd in the cieling of his chamber, 
 To which he up a rope must clamber ; 
 Unless a ladder was prepar'd. 
 And then the rope's-end might be spar'd ; 
 But he'd a long, well-practis'd knack, 
 Of sparing neither rope nor back. 
 
 Ye who in proper titles glory, 
 Will think, I hope, as I have oft. 
 That, as this Story's of a Loft, 
 
 It should be call'd a " Lofty Story." 
 Well, Larrup, without more disputing, 
 Fix'd on this loft to put his fruit iit,
 
 48 COMIC TALES. 
 
 And quickly had it thither mov'd. 
 How far securely, must be prov'd. 
 From one apartment, so erected 
 That (with the very trifling risk 
 
 Of dislocating neck or shoulder, 
 Which boys ne'er think of in a frisft, 
 
 Nay, oft it makes the urchins bolder) 
 Advent'rous spirits might contrive 
 To reach the Doctor's apple-hive. 
 In this room rested four or five 
 Of these young pilferers, undetected. 
 Whilst leaden sleep sat on the Doctor's sJmttcrs,* 
 These daring rogues explor'd the tiles and gutters 
 
 * [Note.] By shutters I would here imply, 
 
 The lids that sliut lifjht i'roni the eyi-.
 
 COMIC TALES. 41) 
 
 111 search of trap or casement, but alack! 
 Tliey found not e'en a small, a gracious crack. 
 ^Yhen one, Against ev'ry disappointment proof, 
 Propos'd that they should just untile the roof; 
 At least, sufficient space t'admit 
 A basket, in which one might sit; 
 And thus, by rope to handle tied. 
 Be lower'd down with gentle ride. 
 This being approv'd of, 'twas decided. 
 That, 'gainst next night, should be provided 
 A basket and a rope; 
 Which being in due time eft'ected, 
 A super-cargo was selected. 
 Who, rais'd by Hope, 
 Was gradually loicerd through the hole. 
 From whence he sent u| apples by the shoal.
 
 00 COMIC TALES. 
 
 This plan they often put in lorce, 
 (Not oft'tier than they conld of course,) 
 And when their pilfering job was ended, 
 The until'd roof they always mended. 
 The Doctor frequent visits made, 
 And soon perceiv'd his apples stray'd ; 
 And oft upon the school-room floor, 
 Lay many a pear and apple core : 
 ^^^ith grief he view'd these sad remains, 
 Of what, to keep, he took such pains. 
 Despair now made his heart its prey, 
 When, entering the loft one day. 
 His ears had pretty ample proof, 
 Tiic rogues were breaking through the mof. 
 He wisely then conceai'd himself, 
 When lo! down come oik little elf;
 
 COMIC TALES. 51 
 
 But he no sooner reach the ground did. 
 When at him, out the Doctor bounded, 
 And threaten'd, if he said a sentence, 
 He'd give him cause for years' repentance. 
 The boy stood mute as pewter pot, 
 While Larrup in the basket got. 
 When being seated snug and steady. 
 He made his pris'ner cry, " all's ready." 
 Tlie boys above began to pull, 
 " Bless me ! the basket's very full." 
 " He's got a swinging lot this time," 
 " And I'll be bound he's pick'd the prime." 
 
 " To it again 
 
 " With might and main, 
 " Another haul will do the job,"
 
 l COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Yo ! yo ho ! 
 
 " Up we go!" 
 When lo! up popt the Doctor's nob! 
 How they all look'd I can't express, 
 So leave that part for you to guess ; 
 But you, perhaps, may think it right 
 To know the end of Larrup's flight. 
 Well! when they'd drawn him to the top, 
 Where he, most likely, wish'd to stop. 
 The wicked rascals let the Doctor drop! 
 
 YOUNG FRANK. 
 
 [I believe the gentleman is still livin}; who fUtfered uiidei lhi 
 curious ?|iecies ol " snsjiemled aiiiniatioii."]
 
 63 
 
 SOUND SLEEPING, 
 
 SUncxpcctcli 3)oufn^2' 
 
 A SURPRISING TALE. 
 
 " Coach! Coachee! put me in, and see 
 
 " You take all proper care of me." 
 
 " Gee up!" " Damn your gee-ups, and stop, 
 
 " For I am feeble, and shall surely drop." 
 
 " I think you've dropped too much to-day 
 
 " Already, so take care, this way." 
 
 " Why how your coach turns round and round, 
 
 " It's topsy-turvy on the ground,
 
 54 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Alul all the wheels arc spinning so, 
 
 " Like Cockchafteis on wings they go." 
 
 " Your head is like a whirligig, 
 
 " Take care, you'll lose your hat and wig; 
 
 " The step is down, now, Sir, get in, 
 
 " Mind you don't slip and l)reak your siiin ; 
 
 " You're cursedly top-heavy." " What ! 
 
 " I'm sober as a judge, you sot ! 
 
 " You talk to me of drinking, 
 
 '* There's virtue in't it aids the thinking, 
 
 " And it improves the sight, 
 " For all to me looks double by this light. 
 " There, I am sate, so shut the door, 
 " And mind you pother me no more; 
 " I'll take a nap, for sleep, they say, 
 " Jlelicvcs us from the toils of day"
 
 COMIC TALES. 
 
 The Coachman mounts, and off he goes, 
 And leaves his inmate to repose. 
 
 Sleep, placid Monarch ! I'll to thee 
 Now pay a brief apostrophe. 
 Thou salve to heal the wounds of care, 
 To soothe the workings of despair ; 
 Thou opiate to the woe-worn mind. 
 Thou strengthening aid to human kind ; 
 Thou but T must from praising keep. 
 Or I shall send you all to sleep. 
 
 He slept and snor'd, and snor'd and slept, 
 The Coachman on his journey kept : 
 I should have told you, that the day 
 Had clos'd, and Evening's sober jirey
 
 5G COMIC TALES, 
 
 Turn'd black as undertaker's pall, 
 With which he decks a funeral. 
 When coach he call'd, and coach replied, 
 And plac'd him snugly withinside; 
 No questions or replies took place, 
 
 Further than hath been just recounted, 
 Each merely look'd to his own case. 
 And by the one 'twas ta'en for granted, 
 He understood what t'other wanted. 
 But right or wrong our Sleeper reck'd not, he 
 Possessed much more philosophy, 
 And his must be profoundly deep, 
 li there s philoiojihy in sleep; 
 For he slept on the whole night round, 
 O'er hill and dale, and level ground ;
 
 COMIC TALES. 67 
 
 Town, village, milestone, all they past, 
 
 Fast as you please he slept as fast; 
 
 Thus to the journey's end he goes, 
 
 Lull'd by the softness of repose. 
 
 Our sleeping partner, for such he 
 
 Must be deem'd undoubtedly, 
 
 When Coach he call'd, was going on 
 
 Towards his home, at Newington ; 
 
 But in the Borough, being tir'd. 
 
 Thinking he saw a coach unhir'd. 
 
 He hail'd it, and away 
 
 He rode, nor thought to say, 
 
 At such a number put me down. 
 
 Close by the Church at Newington. 
 
 Such sober thoughts from him had fled, 
 
 Or rather, drown'd in grog, were dead. 
 E
 
 a COMIC TALES. 
 
 To Newington he went 'tis true, 
 And several other places too ; 
 
 For the Coachman call'd, was bound 
 To Portsmouth, there 
 To deliver up his fare 
 
 Botli safe and sound : 
 So the next morning about eight. 
 He puU'd up at the Crown Inn gate, 
 ^Vhere, if you please, a trip we'll take. 
 To see our sleeping partner wake, 
 
 A Waiter opens the coach door, 
 " Sir, you'll alight?" He answers snore! 
 The Coachman cries," Come, Sir, your fare, 
 " 'J'ip, if you please, our journey's ended, 
 " A guinea and a half you'll spare."-
 
 COMIC TALES. 69 
 
 Tliis rouz'd him. " Eh? What's that you say?" 
 
 " Why, Sir, you've got your fare to pay." 
 
 " Aye, eighteen-pence, I know, 
 
 " Here, take it, and I'll go." 
 
 " You'll go! None of your rigs ; 
 
 " All through the night, 
 
 " Till broad day light, 
 
 " While I drove horses, you drove pigs ; 
 
 " And now you say, 
 
 " You've eighteen-pence to pay, 
 
 " Damme ! Old Master, though you're queer, 
 
 " Such hogs won't do for market here!" 
 
 " Here ! Where am I V While with surprise. 
 
 Ho now unbutton'd both his eyes, 
 
 " Why this is not my house." " Yours! no, 
 
 " You're come to Portsmouth, where I go 
 e2
 
 60 COMIC TALKS. 
 
 " Each otlier day, Sir, to and fro." 
 
 " Portsmouth ! Portsmouth ! why tlicn I've gone 
 
 " From Newington, 
 " Just seventy miles beyond what I intended ! 
 
 " So take me back, 
 " And, next time, when I want a hack, 
 
 " I'll look before, 
 " And take care Portsmouth is not on the door! " 
 
 OLD FRANK. 
 
 [To those who can sleep soundly while travelling, this may not bf a 
 " Surprising Tale," but to the relatives and friend? of the person 
 alluded to, the Author can assure his Header, it was a very alurmhin 
 circumstance, though now he hopes it will be only an amusing one.]
 
 61 
 
 CHERRY-BOUNCE. 
 
 A SPIRITED TALE. 
 
 Two ancient maidens, 'pon my word 'tis so imui, 
 (And much T grieve to say, they're not uncommon,) 
 With sisterly affection had resided 
 Together, ever since their parents die did : 
 
 And when their cordial friends had ceas'd 
 condoHng, 
 
 A friendly cordial they found consoHng. 
 They were not satisfied with Uttle drops, 
 Sprinkletl, as brewers in their beer mix hops;
 
 G2 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Oh no ! they lovVl the bonny beams of bumpers, 
 As well as M. P."s love the jolly plumpers, 
 
 That never split the difference when polling. 
 Talking of that, 1 can't but think it droll. 
 That ere a man can be a Mayor, 
 (And that's a change I well could spare,) 
 He needs must stand the head upon the poll. 
 Is there no other way to prop ambition. 
 Than treating men like traitors for sedition ? 
 " But stop!" says Prudence, " turn your steed around , 
 " Lest you should chance to tread on dangerous 
 
 ground." 
 For though I could defend this deviation 
 From my main subject of narration, 
 By saying, there's no scribe upon the road. 
 But owns the beauty of an episode.
 
 COMIC TALES. 63 
 
 Yet some folks view things with the oddest eye, 
 That p'rhaps 'tis best 
 To let this rest. 
 
 And, for the terrible abuse. 
 
 To offer, as my sole excuse, 
 " My youth united with my modesty." 
 That plea by others has been pleaded. 
 Where some have thought it wasn't needed. 
 But to resume once more my story, 
 Nor longer with by-thoughts to bore ye : 
 The father of these damsels twain, 
 When living, often would maintain, 
 That, though his girls weren't blest with beauty. 
 He could well prove them full of duty: 
 They drank much wine, he oft averr'd. 
 But rum or brandy they preferr'd,
 
 64 rOHlC TALES. 
 
 Which pay (without a word of thanking) 
 To Government a duty swanking. 
 
 Thus, though they were not bcautiful,- 
 When fill'd with Uquors, duty paid. 
 The queer okl quiz has often said, 
 " Now a'n't my daughters duty-full? " 
 Some critics this may call a (juibble; 
 But tremble, ere my verse ye nibble ; 
 For if ye dare my rhymes to chisel. 
 Or on my efforts coldly drizzle. 
 Why, either you or I must mizzle. 
 The shop, with stock in trade, ct catcra. 
 Which their lather left. 
 When of life bereft, 
 He (juitted thin world for ;i hettcnr;
 
 COMIC TALES. Go 
 
 Having to them devolv'd. 
 With two apprentices, and so on. 
 They resolv'd. 
 That with these 'prentice lads about 'em, 
 The old estabUsh'd trade might go on ; 
 Indeed, they couldn't do without 'em, 
 For owing to a daily dizziness, 
 They were, themselves, unfit for business. 
 " Boys will be boys," and oft, (not always: in 
 
 parenthesis) 
 Apprentices are boys, and boys apprentices. 
 Some boys love mischief, some love brandy; 
 They seldom run from either, when they're handy <- 
 Thus much premis'd, and understood, 
 I here must state,
 
 66 COMIC TALES. 
 
 These maiden sisters, 
 
 (Maidens because they had no Misters), 
 'Mongst other articles for home consumption, 
 Made a great 
 Stone bottle full (I'm told 'twas good) 
 Of what, they said, to name, was round presumption. 
 And round presumption 'twas, if I have brains an 
 
 ounce. 
 And why so? Why, because 'twas cherry-bounce. 
 This was a riddle which they thought it proper 
 Their friends should solve, before they drew the 
 
 stopper. 
 (Stopper, or cork, or bung, 'tis all the same : 
 1 dare say we sha'n't quarrel for a name.) 
 One bottle they had made, of prime.
 
 COMIC TALES. 07 
 
 'Twas meant to aid their own devotions; 
 
 And many were the soft emotions 
 They felj; before the tapping time. 
 Alas ! that such hopes e'er should cross'd be ! 
 That such bright prospects e'er should lost be ! 
 But they were tho'. 
 How, I'll let you know. 
 Dick, the apprentice, found the bottle. 
 And pour'd some down his precious throttle; 
 And Jack, the apprentice, found the bottle. 
 And pour'd some down his precious throttle : 
 And, every day they took a sup. 
 And, every day they fill'd it up: 
 ll'hitcr, and whiter, every day 'twas getting, 
 Like bleaching linen, caus'd by frequent icettiug:
 
 GQ COMIC TALES. 
 
 Paler, and paler, every day 'twas growing, 
 
 A certain sign its spirit was a-going. 
 
 " What's to be done, Jack ? can't you throw a 
 hint in ?" 
 
 " No, if I can, Dick, hang me squinting!" 
 " Why, Jack, the bottle needn't be much fuller, 
 
 " But something we must put to change tlie colour." 
 
 " Oh, throw some Spanish liquorice and jalap in, 
 
 " And that will set the old ones galloping." 
 This was agreed to, 
 xVnd they did the deed too. 
 They put the mixture in, then shook it wc;!!, 
 Much 'twas improv'd in hue, tho" not in smell. 
 Says Sukey, some time after, "Let me thiidv, 
 " That Cherry-bounce must now be tit to diuik." 
 I'hey tupt it Sukey tasted, " V\'hy, dear, dear, 
 " You try it, Betsey, it tastes very (pieer;
 
 COMIC TALES, 09 
 
 " Oh, you don't try it fairly, take a good hearty sup: 
 " Hum ha the cherries must have suck'd the 
 
 spirit up ; 
 " Or else our mouths, to day, are out of taste, 
 
 " For this jar should 
 
 "Be very good, 
 " Considering the ingredients therein plac'd : 
 
 " However, let it stand to-night, 
 
 " To-morrow morn again we'll try't." 
 The morning came ; " Wilt have a glass ? " says 
 
 Sukey, 
 " There stands the bottle, sister Betsey, look ye." 
 " Sukey, don't mention it, you make me cross, 
 " I vow tis physic, fit to drench a horse. 
 " I find 'tis not fit beverage for ladies, 
 
 " Yet, as it made is.
 
 70 COMIC TALKS. 
 
 " AndDick and Jack have lookVl but poorly lately, 
 " Twou d, to restore their shatter'd health, tend 
 
 " greatly; 
 " And since we can't, for our own drinking, use it, 
 " I dare say Dick and Jack will not refuse it." 
 
 YOUNG FRANK. 
 
 fFor the Initli of (liis Story " my Fallior can spccil'y."
 
 71 
 THE TRAVELLER, 
 
 OR 
 
 'STrifling ittigtaltc. 
 
 AN INN TALE 
 
 An Irish Traveller went to an Inn 
 That is you know, for every station, 
 A temporary habitation, 
 
 Where each may fret and strut his hour 
 On life's brief stage, 
 
 And prove his consequence, and shew his power. 
 
 An Inn is life's epitome, 
 
 And a wise saw to borrow, 
 Which shews of life the brevity 
 
 We come, to-day and go to-morrow.
 
 72 COMIC TALES. 
 
 But cease this moralizing strain, 
 And we'll resume our tale again. 
 Our traveller safe, thus we begin, 
 
 His first best thought was to engage 
 A lodging for the night; 
 Th'enquiry made the quick rej)ly 
 Was, that he might. 
 If he would Vu: 
 In half a bed ; 
 This puzzled Paddy's head ! 
 Because, thinks he, if crossways ruf , 
 
 The length is much too short; 
 And if slit down the middle, tut! 
 Why then the widtlts too nnrroiv ; 
 So it were best he thought 
 To know at once, 
 liather tlian polhc r his poor sconce,
 
 COMIC TALES. 73 
 
 The truth about this lying mode, 
 
 Before he took his new abode. 
 
 This point explain'd, each drowsy guest 
 
 Betook himself to needful rest ; 
 
 And in due time the chambermaid, 
 
 Of mortal man no whit afraid, 
 
 Went for the candle and quick returning, 
 
 Brought the candle burning: 
 But had you seen her laughing fits, 
 You'd ha' thought the girl had lost her wits ! 
 As soon as she could speak she vow'd, 
 Thunder was never half so loud ! 
 Xay, were there hogs a score in 
 The room, each lying with nine farrow. 
 They could not match the sleeper's snoring !
 
 74 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Perhaps you doubt the girl's veracity, 
 Because she's in a low capacity ; 
 But higher folk than she can tell. 
 That truth lies hidden in a well. 
 And though they make a search profound, 
 It is not always to be found. 
 Besides, some others heard the strain. 
 And thought the sleepers were in pain ; 
 One said, perhaps they'd got the gripes. 
 Others, they played the Union pipes ! 
 However, on they slept till morning, 
 When light was nature's face adorning. 
 
 In Inns they do not measure guests 
 
 By Beds but Bills; 
 And who most property invests 
 In mine Host's funds, ii;onorally fills.
 
 COMIC TALES. 75 
 
 Or lays his head 
 In the best room on the best bed. 
 Well, be it so, we'll not mind that, 
 Somnus retir'd and up woke Pat. 
 His chum, a tall descendant from the north, 
 High as his native highlands, lay. 
 And soundly slept, and loudly snor'd away; 
 While slyly peeping forth. 
 
 As Pat awoke, 
 He saw two feet from out the bed-clothes poke ; 
 Thinking they were his own poor pettitoes. 
 He jumps from bed, and covers them with clothes: 
 Returns to bed the covering pulls amain, 
 When soon he spies the peeping feet again, 
 Out quick he springs, the covering pulls once more. 
 When Sawney waking, with a scrub and roar, 
 f2
 
 76 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Cries, "Hoot! hoot! loon, 
 " Why dinna ye be quiet, 
 " And let my feet alone?" 
 Pat quick replies, 
 Tn great surprise, 
 " Faith, honey! make no riot, 
 '"Devil take your feet, T thought they were my 
 " own ! " 
 
 OLD FRANK. 
 
 [We are all liable to blundcis, and in the present instance it is lioped, 
 that the heart ill be an excuse tor the head. J
 
 77 
 
 SALLY RODGERS, 
 
 OR, 
 
 ^ 'EhU of a J^cctult. 
 
 A clown's a clown, and clowns are mostly clownish : 
 Clowns on the stage are white, and red, and black; 
 But he of whom my tale shall smack. 
 Was brownish: 
 A country clown, 
 Of ruddy brown, 
 Who ne'er had snifi'd the vicious air of town.
 
 78 COMIC TALES. 
 
 This is an awkwardish beginning, I'll admit; 
 But one more polish'd would not be more fit: 
 
 And he that tells you differently hums ye; 
 For surely, when you're speaking of a cloicii, 
 
 'Tis fit that the beginning should be clumsy: 
 Why then should I attempt to talk hard, 
 "When I thus prove I properly am awliard: 
 Yet some may give my vanity a rap, 
 By calling me a proper awkward chap. 
 
 I don't know how it is, but at those times. 
 
 When I would be pathetic in my rhymes, 
 
 Instead of causing tears and whimpers, 
 
 I only draw forth smiles and simpers, 
 
 Which drives my slender confidence so much in, 
 
 I seldom touch on any thing that's toucldny,
 
 COMIC TALES. 79 
 
 Thus am I driven, by your smiling faces, 
 To leave off making tragical grimaces. 
 
 London is fam'd for riches, rogues, and dinners, 
 
 Brim-full of loyalty, love, lamps, and sinners; 
 
 Of streets, lanes, courts, strange sights, and alleys. 
 
 Of prime young bloods. 
 
 And noble buds, 
 Famous for breaking lamps, and such wild sallies: 
 Yet, though the Country's not so much revil'd, 
 The Country still can boast its Sallys wild; 
 Its gay Lothario's with scythe or sickle. 
 For e'en in a smock-frock man still is fickle: 
 Yet though they've gay Lothario's with a flail. 
 They've dairymaid Calistas, quite as frail.
 
 80 COMIC TALKS. 
 
 Scandal is somewhat like a Congreve's rocket, 
 Defying the best cricketer to block it ; 
 And when it bursts and spreads its venom round, 
 The good and bad may both receive a wound. 
 
 Scandal is said the Country best to thrive in. 
 
 Deep into ev'ry body's secrets diving, 
 
 And now I'll let you know at what I'm driviny : 
 
 One Sally Rodgers, Roger' n fav'rite Sally, 
 
 Had some time kept the clod-pole dilly-dally, 
 
 And oft coquetted with iiis rival swains, 
 
 Vowing she'd ne'er be bound in wedlock'^ chains : 
 
 When suddenly she chang'd this silly whim, 
 
 Roger ceas'd seeking her but she sought Idiii : 
 
 This appear'd very strange, 
 
 But scandal soon accounted lor the cluuit'c.
 
 COMIC TALES. 81 
 
 Sally now flaunted in much smarter clothes. 
 And some folks said, " So Roger's money goes ! " 
 And now he swore if she sought him, he'd lick her. 
 And Sally's troubles ev'ry day grew thicker: 
 Time flew : and soon each village lass could tell, 
 " I've just met Sally Rodgers, what a swell!'' 
 " I met her walking up to the church door :" 
 " "Tis pity but she'd walk'd that ivay before. " 
 Thus Sally's round of troubles gave a handle, 
 To many other friendly bits of scandal. 
 
 What can the maiden do, who trustes 
 
 In man's false vows of constancy. 
 
 If all his vows are " all ray eye?" 
 What can the maiden do, who trustes 
 
 In man's false promises to marry, 
 
 If all his promises miscarry <
 
 82 COMIC TALES. 
 
 What can she do, I say? 
 
 Why Sally took the surest way ; 
 She got a warrant from the Justice ! 
 And shewing Clump, the constable, the road 
 To Roger's master's snug abode, 
 She thought she'd better stay behind ; 
 As Justice, she had heard, was blind, 
 And thus she hop'd she might elude 
 The sneer of many a village prude. 
 
 Clump knew young Roger well, by sight. 
 
 And doubted not the rogue would fight ; 
 
 So wisely ask'd the joint assistance 
 Of two or three he met in going, 
 (To whom his Worship's warrant shewing,) 
 
 They join'd him to prevent resistance.
 
 COMIC TALES. 83 
 
 They soon found Roger at the plough. 
 To whom Clump made a graceless bow, 
 Produc'd his warrant, then his staff, 
 (The most persuasive part by half,) 
 When Roger, finding he must toddle, 
 Trudg'd on, and scratch'd his curly noddle. 
 Musing upon his awkward scrape. 
 And planning how he might escape. 
 
 Arriv'd ; his Worship heard the statement 
 Of Sally, then the clown's abatement, 
 Then, after rubbing up his wig. 
 Plumping his cheeks, and looking big. 
 He said, and knit his angry brows, 
 " Sirrah ! you curly headed rascal there ! 
 " You with the senseless vacant stare !
 
 84 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " How dar'd you Sally to enlarge, 
 
 " Without a parson's due discharge? 
 
 " I know she us'd to be much thinner, 
 
 " For shame ! to make so big a sinner ! 
 
 " You you must make the girl your spouse, 
 
 " I think she long enough hath tarried: 
 
 " So Clump, go see them quickly married." 
 
 Clump straightway hurried to the parson, 
 And begg'd him the fond pair to fasten. 
 The parson took his clerk and book too. 
 Likewise his spectacles to look through, 
 And linding all the parties ready, 
 Began to read on clear and steady; 
 And unmolested had proceeded, 
 I'ntil this part his llev'rencc read did:
 
 COMIC TALES. 85 
 
 " Will you this woman have for life, 
 
 " To be your lawful wedded wife?" 
 
 Then Roger humind, and scratcird his head, 
 
 And to the worthy Pastor said, 
 
 " As 'tis but right, with all due deference, 
 
 " To give one's friends, you know, the preference, 
 
 " Just for your Rev'rence's digestion 
 
 " I'll put a plain and civil question, 
 
 " And that is, Wool yon:! have her? " 
 
 " No, I have one already, Sir." 
 
 Then turning to the clerk, " Yaw wool I trust? " 
 
 " No, if I do may I be curst." 
 
 " Yow wunt? then I suppose I must! 
 
 " But if I must be match'd wi' Sal, 
 
 " Dang me if I doant match the girl ! '' 
 
 The Parson soon the job completed, 
 
 Receiv'd his foe, and then retreated ;
 
 HG COMIC TALES. 
 
 But ere the pair the church-yard quitted, 
 
 Roger on an expedient hit did : 
 
 He spied a young recruiting Sergeant, 
 
 With drum and fife, and ribbons streaming, 
 And (knowing that his case was urgent) 
 Though Clump and Sally both resisted, 
 
 He heeded not his deary's screaming, 
 But ran away, and got enlisted. 
 Thus, though they made him marry with her; 
 They could'nt make him tarry with her. 
 
 YOUNG FRANK. 
 
 [To a misfortune similar to Roger's, tlie Army is indebted lor mori 
 Recruits tlian one.]
 
 87 
 
 T HE V E 11 D I C T, 
 
 on, 
 
 ZUijo Suffers? 
 
 A LAW TALE. 
 
 Most people love a joke admitted, 
 But jokers sometimes are outwitted: 
 This truth to prove, I'll lay before ye 
 What some folks call a pleasant story. 
 
 A farmer's loaded waggon going 
 Down a by-lane where grass was growing, 
 And where the banks on either side. 
 Were higher than the lane was wide.
 
 88 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Met with a cow perchance had stray 'd 
 From out some neighbouring field or mead. 
 Excuse me here a small digression, 
 'Twill make, I think, more strong th' impression. 
 This cow you find was discontent, 
 Nor lik'd the pasture where she went ; 
 So left her sister cows to stray. 
 And thus got in the waggon's way. 
 To age and youth it is a lesson. 
 Which I thought proper to digress on, 
 To shew that discontented folk 
 Their sad disasters oft provoke. 
 AVe'll re-commence our story now. 
 About the waggon and the cow. 
 The cow endeavour'd much to shun 
 The wa!iu,)ii. :ind some distance run,
 
 COMIC TALES. 89 
 
 She could not pass on either side, 
 The lane was narrow the waggon wide. 
 So by some sudden crank or other. 
 Which put her senses in a pother. 
 She needs must leave the beaten track 
 To climb the bank : down on her back 
 The poor cow tumbled o'er her head 
 The waggon went and she lay dead. 
 Whether 'twas fear or what vagary, 
 Caus'd her from reason so to vary, 
 I cannot tell, but fear I know. 
 Lays reason, aye, and courage low. 
 
 The driver soon his master met. 
 The story put him in a pet ;
 
 90 COMIC TALES. 
 
 He own'd both waggon and [)oot Colley,- 
 Was vex'd a little at her folly. 
 But could not help the matter now, 
 He'd lost, 'twas true, a good milch cow. 
 Well then, what best was to be done? 
 Turn the disaster into fun ; 
 For he was rich, and lov'd a joke. 
 And oft play'd pranks with other folk. 
 
 A dismal tale was soon made out. 
 Loud rumour spread it round about; 
 'Twas, that his waggon going on. 
 O'er a poor passenger had run. 
 And that the corpse in mangled state. 
 Must for a Jury's verdict wait.
 
 COMIC TALES. 91 
 
 As in such cases is most common, 
 The Coroner must a jury summon; 
 The summons to the neighbours sent, 
 All grievM for the sad accident, 
 And at th' appointed time they came. 
 To answer to each several name ; 
 'Twas at the farmer's house to meet ; 
 He set them out a handsome treat. 
 This done, now be it known to all 
 His Majesty's subjects, great and small, 
 That country folk enjoy good eating. 
 Nor care for Grenville's Act of Treating, 
 Except 'tis in Election contest, 
 And then the Candidate gets on best. 
 Who gammons without meat or drink 
 The votes, by gammoning with cMnk ; 
 g2
 
 92 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Well, be it so, who sells and buys, 
 Gives lies for truth and truth tor lies. 
 
 The solemn Jurors all were met, 
 Each had partook sufficient whet; 
 Next evidence must be gone through, 
 Touching the matter where and how. 
 The farmer, who his man had taught. 
 Him as the only witness brought ; 
 The fact in doleful stile he stated. 
 As in our tale has been related; 
 Therefore 'twas brought home to conviction- 
 The dead could make no contradiction. 
 So next the body they must see, 
 'Twas not remov'd, for that would be
 
 COMIC TALES. 93 
 
 Against ' Quest law; ' thus on they went. 
 
 To where the dreadful accident 
 
 Had happen'd, because you know 'tis tit, 
 
 The Inquest on a body sit, 
 
 As thus they can decide more fitting 
 
 The proper course of law while sitting, 
 
 I should have said, 'twas early spring, 
 The little birds scarce deign'd to sing, 
 The floods were out the fields were boggy. 
 And all the atmosphere was foggy. 
 But on they trudg'd o'er ditch and stile, 
 Through swampy fields for half a mile, 
 To where, hard by a meadow gale. 
 The body lay but not in state.
 
 94 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Some growl'd, and said it was not tit 
 
 Upon a dirty corpse to sit 
 
 In cold damp weather ; it may be so ; 
 
 Crown law's imperative, you know. 
 
 But when the body came in view, 
 
 All stood aghast! not knowing how 
 
 To give a verdict on a cow. 
 
 Some angry look'd one downright swore 
 
 The cow was nothing but a horey 
 
 And had he known as much as now, 
 
 The Devil might sit upon the cow 
 
 For him! The farmer lauglul, his man 
 
 Titter'd like ladies through a fan, 
 
 Enjoying all most heartily, 
 
 Yet fearful any one should see.
 
 COMIC TALES. J>5 
 
 The Coroner next propos'd, that they 
 
 Should to the farm make good their way; 
 
 So back through mire and brier they tramp'd, 
 
 Some sour some sulky all beswamp'd. 
 
 The farmer's house was like his heart, 
 
 Open to all in every part ; 
 
 He lov'd he'd had his joke, and they 
 
 Now all their troubles might repay; 
 
 Good living grac'd the ample board, 
 
 " Make free, you're welcome," was the word. 
 
 At length the Coroner said, " We must 
 
 " A verdict give, and I should trust, 
 
 " That every Juror will agree 
 
 " That I am right, and say with me, 
 
 " Manslaughter must the verdict be."
 
 96 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Manslaughter! certainly," all said, 
 And thus the verdict was agreed. 
 The Statutes have the case at large, 
 The consultation and the charge ; 
 And it may easily be seen 
 In folio eighteen hundred nineteen. 
 
 OLD FRANK.
 
 97 
 
 THE PLUMPER. 
 
 A TALE FOR THE HUSTINGS, 
 
 When int'rest comes across mankind. 
 
 What strange expedients they resort to ! 
 Honour soon sleeps, Dame Truth goes bHnd, 
 
 And Virtue oft is tripping caught too : 
 Yet, sometimes, when a joke is good, 
 
 The Ust'ner will overlook these losses, 
 For who would spoil the varnish'd wood, 
 
 To see what underneath the gloss is ?
 
 98 COMIC TALES. 
 
 If a man hath a lumbering load 
 
 When he is just in Fortune's rear, 
 And sweating in his swift career; 
 
 And if this heavy lumber stops it, 
 You cannot blame him, on the road, 
 
 If he conveniently drt>})s it ! 
 And honesty, when men want money, 
 
 Is oftentimes the Zootijust shot at, 
 Which load, once dropt, the means are funny. 
 
 By which much sudden wealth is got at. 
 It hath been known at some Elections, 
 AVhea scrutiny hath wrought detections, 
 That bribery hath caus'd mankind 
 To drop their honesty behind ; 
 And wide and numerous are the tribes 
 That scruple not to pocket briber;
 
 COMIC TALES. 99 
 
 When, sliould Sir Conscience kick and nibble, 
 They satisfy him with a quibble. 
 
 In Ireland (for bulls and bards long fam'd,) 
 When Mother Church had us'd the Pope so so, 
 And would no longer slubber his g-reat toe, 
 llefusing ev'ry thing he vainly claim'd. 
 And all things through the nation ran the crossway, 
 From Cork's fair harbour to the Giant's Causeway ; 
 Or, if you like it better, from fair ])ublin. 
 To where the Ocean in the west is bubbling : 
 'Till priests and churchmen would each other strangle, 
 Eiit for the fear that they should dangle ! 
 When Protestants had gain'd the upper hand, 
 And mix'd up laws, like physic, for the land ; 
 They made one dose with the avow'd intent 
 To cleanse from Popery the Parliament;
 
 100 COMIC TALKS. 
 
 By wliich no Catholic (if 1 remember) 
 Dared vote for any would-be member, 
 
 Nor Protestant of purest life, 
 
 If he a Papist took to wife. 
 
 A general Election at this time 
 Call'd forth the whims and humours of the crowd; 
 Made the proud humble, and the humble proud ; 
 
 While the dread potent pow'rs of prose and rhyme 
 Prais'd all their virtues, or their faults bctray'd, 
 Just as they happen'd to be paid! 
 One of the prating patriots of the land, 
 J3owiiig and cringing, smiling, hat in hand, 
 Call'd on poor ilooney, " Sir, 1 bog your voice ; 
 " Elect me as the member of your choice ;" 
 " I'ait! that 1 would, your honour, but my vote, 
 " To tell no lie, is scarcely worth a groat ;
 
 COMIC TALES. 101 
 
 " Becase my wifes a Catholic, poor soul ! 
 " And so, your honour, they won't let me poll : 
 " Not but it's plaguy hard to check my choice, 
 " Becase I chance to have but half a. voice." 
 " Never you mind, but boldly come and poll, 
 " And this, perhaps, vs'ill make your voice wholes 
 At which a purse, by accident, might slide 
 To hand of poverty, from hand of pride ; 
 I do not say such really was the case. 
 Though something like a smile grac'd Rooney's face : 
 And Rooney whistled, and look'd sly, 
 Whistled again and wink'd his eye. 
 ** Aye, that it will, your honour, it will quiet 
 " My Judy's voice, should she make a riot; 
 " This brings us all upon a decent level; 
 " 'Twill almost make an angel of the devii."
 
 102 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Then I'll expect to see you, llooney." 
 ** To a dead certainty, my honey ! 
 " In just an hour, or I tell a thuni})er, 
 " I'll come and treat you with a plvmpcr.^' 
 
 Having obtain' d what he requird, 
 
 The smiling candidate retir'd ; 
 
 But Rooney stood and humm'd some time, 
 
 (As I do when I want a rhyme) 
 
 Then started, and then smil'd, 'od rot it! 
 
 (As I do when I think I've got it!) 
 
 " Here, Judy, lambkin, step this way; 
 
 " You know Saint Mary a Church, my love ?' 
 
 " Och! that I do, this many a day!" 
 
 " That church has got a yard, my dear;" 
 
 " Troth ! that I've known this many a year!' 
 
 " Then, .huly, just your love to prove,
 
 COMIC TALES. 103 
 
 " Stand for an hour in that churchyard, 
 
 " And don't you spake a single word; 
 
 " x^or heed what passing folks may say, 
 
 " But let me this time have my way." 
 
 " I'll do dat ting, joy ! by the pow'rs ! 
 
 " To plase you, I'd stand there two hours ! " 
 
 ' Then go, my life, my love, my Judy ! 
 
 " And don't let any one be rude t'ye!" 
 
 Away she scamper'd, to fulfil. 
 
 With joy, her darling Rooney's will; 
 
 While he put on his Sunday's coat. 
 
 Then started off to give his vote. 
 
 Arriv'd; the clerk address'd him thus 
 
 " Why, Rooney! what brings you this way? 
 " Och ! botheration, here's a fuss ! 
 
 " Your wife's a Catholic, they say!
 
 104 COMIC TALRS. 
 
 " You are a Protestant, I know, 
 
 " But that, my honey ! won't quite do, 
 
 " So I can't suffer you to poll." 
 " Pooh ! I've a reason, cousin Casey, 
 
 " To find a better you must search hard, 
 " So, honey, make yourself quite asy, 
 
 " My wifes among the dead, poor soul ! 
 
 " And quiet in Saint Mary's Church-yard! " 
 
 YOUNG FRANK. 
 
 [Were I to assert that the foregoing Tale has its foundation in truth, 
 apprehend the assertion would be christened after it a Pliimptr.]
 
 105 
 
 THE MINCED PIE, 
 
 OR 
 
 A winter's tale. 
 
 Excuse my mode of application, 
 
 'Tis meant by way of illustration. 
 
 Each season, all must know, produces 
 
 A something suited to our uses; 
 
 Thus AVinter, though both cold and dreary. 
 
 Has comfortable things to cheer ye ; 
 
 The clear Newcastle Bowpot smiles. 
 
 Brightens the scene, the time beguiles ; 
 H
 
 lOG COMIC TALES. 
 
 For then the Sun, you know, retires. 
 To trim his lamp and light his fires ; 
 So, though we cannot warm the air, 
 A fire, a friend, and elbow chair. 
 
 Make up for his lost rays, 
 For longer nights and shorter days. 
 
 Then in high season is the fam'd Sirloin, 
 The Alderman in Chains the smoking Chine, 
 And Oh ! " though last, not least in love," 
 As I could prove, 
 Were one now standing by. 
 Then comes that Christmas fare a nice Minced Pie ! 
 Minced Pie ! the honour'd title of my talo ! 
 Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll now avail
 
 COMIC TALES. 107 
 
 Myself, and lay before ye 
 
 The pleasant sequel of my story. 
 
 'Twas at a feast a City feast, 
 
 Where good cheer welcom'd every guest. 
 
 That blabbing, sneering jade. Report, 
 On City feasting oft makes sport, 
 And tells in Westminster those lies, 
 Which in the Poultry she denies ; 
 But this is solemn truth she swears, 
 I beg her pardon she declares; 
 No swearing ladies are among 
 This fair, this amiable throng. 
 
 With various cates the table smil'd, 
 Some roast ed brown, some nicely boii'd, 
 H 2
 
 108 COMIC TAi.i:s. 
 
 And opposite cacli otlior sat 
 The smiling guests, and stnok'd 
 The smokhuj viands; aye, and jok'd, 
 
 [ won't say wittily, as that. 
 
 However true, might be 
 
 A libel deem'd, and subject me 
 
 To close confinement, aye, and penalty. 
 
 But this I dare assert, and will. 
 
 They plcas'd themselves, and ate their fill ! 
 
 Seldom in feasting does it follovv, 
 (While they are tuckimj in the holloir. 
 As [)oultry is denominated. 
 And people become elevated,) 
 
 That homes and wives are thouaht about,
 
 COMIC TALES. 109 
 
 For they have then before 'em. 
 Such things set out in due decorum, 
 
 As put those subjects out. 
 But here with much dehght, I can 
 Expatiate on one good man. 
 
 Who kindly thoughtful for his wife, 
 And judging she would like to taste. 
 Some of the savory repast. 
 Took (when the pastry came upon the board. 
 And with pies, tarts, and tartlets, it was stor'd,) 
 And in his pocket popt, so snug and sly, 
 A most delectable Minced Pie ! 
 Ladies, wasn't he a kind, good soul? 
 For though undoubtedly he stole 
 
 The Pie, the theft was done, 
 
 To please the loving one.
 
 110 COMIC TALES. 
 
 His duck, the darling of his Hte ! 
 Oh, what a husband sure was he, 
 I think you'll every one agree. 
 And much regret that 'tis so rare. 
 The absent spouse receives such care! 
 
 Now wine and punch the table graced, 
 Pipes and tobacco, too, were placed, 
 Such hearty cheer their mirth provoking. 
 Each neighbour was the other smoking ; 
 And one who chanc'd to sit close by. 
 Had smoKd his neighbour take the Pic, 
 
 So fudg'd a tale, that he, 
 
 AVhen once in company. 
 Had seen the fact which I've just stated, 
 And with such clo(iueucc related.
 
 COMIC TALt,. . Ill 
 
 Coiild I describe what t'other felt, 
 
 As he the made-up story told. 
 
 And how the hearers titter'd, young and old, 
 'Twould make your hearts with pity melt. 
 He blush'd, he smil'd, and blush'd again 
 Then conscience twing'd and gave him pain 
 He wish'd to move the fidgets came. 
 His friend, too good a judge of game. 
 Still kept the game alive, by joking 
 On the Minced Pie he thus was smoking. 
 At length he placed his hand (intent 
 To shew the other what he meant) 
 Plump on the pocket, where incog. 
 The Pie lay quiet as a log ; 
 And thus addressing him, says, " Now, 
 " How 1 expos'd the theft I'll shew !
 
 112 :pOMIC TALES. 
 
 *' My hand thus placed, I squeez'd and squeez'd, 
 
 " Till through and through the flap was greas'd." 
 
 " But, Sir, you squeeze so hard! O dear! 
 
 " My snuff-box will be broke, I fear!" 
 
 " Your snuif-box, Sir! don't tell a lie! 
 
 " Here, neighbours, is the lost Minced Pie! 
 
 OLD FRANK. 
 
 [The above Tale may appear a plagiarism upon Joe Miller, but the RcaiUr 
 may be assured that the joke and the parties are within the Author'? 
 knowledge.]
 
 113 
 
 NUTMEGS AND ALLSPICE 
 
 A TALE OF THINGS KKTAIL. 
 
 Poets in past, as well as present days, 
 Have all essay'd to render siveet their lays ; 
 With, " oh, sweet" this, " sweet" that, and " sweet" 
 
 the other, 
 Cupid is sweet and so is Cupid's mother; 
 Like doctors, who, when physicing the town, 
 Infuse some sweets, to make the dose go down : 
 Thus Poets' words as siveet and meltiny be, 
 As lump of sugar in a cup of tea.
 
 114 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Now, as I wish to hold some sort of place 
 
 Among this ragged, rhyming, rueful race. 
 
 And know my rhymes are sometimes sour and rough, 
 
 I was resolv'd to sweeten these enough; 
 
 I, therefore, call my hero, Billy Sweet; 
 
 He keeps a grocer's shop, as trim and neat 
 
 As any other dealer in sweetmeat, 
 
 And now, I think, I've given you a treat! 
 
 Sweet Billy, or sweet William, fragrant Hower! 
 Had long of beauty felt the piercing power! 
 
 1 should here tell you, by the bye, 
 I have compar'd my hero to the Jloiccr 
 Sweetwilliam, known in garden-pot and bower; 
 
 And my reason why.
 
 COMIC TALES. 115 
 
 Is that my style, 
 
 (Don't smile) 
 May pass iov flowery! 
 But, enough of nonsense, 
 Let's now get upon sense. 
 
 Well! Billy married; was there sense in that? 
 The dame was crooked, fiery, and fat ; 
 " I took her," he would cry, and wink his eye, 
 " Because, being/of and crook'd, she's gross awry! 
 
 Year after year, with some odd days to boot, 
 Adown time's ever-flowing tide had tumbled,* 
 Since first on matrimony Billy stumbled ; 
 
 * Lest Critics here should brag they've thieving caught one, 
 Know there's a phrase like this in Thomas Warton.
 
 116 COMIC TALI'S. 
 
 When he found out he didn't like love's tetter, 
 In fact, he found he lov'd his bottle better. 
 Than when he paid his young and ardent suit 
 To Mistress Sweet, once lovely Miss Molasses, 
 
 Who, since the matrimonial hour, 
 
 Instead of kcepiny sweet, turn'd cursed sour, 
 And such, I'm told, too frequently the case is. 
 Well ! Billy had become a toping fellow. 
 And topers, I believe, sometimes get melloiv; 
 In saying " melloid", I may mince the matter; 
 
 Well, he got drunk, and that, 
 
 I think, is tolerably Hat, 
 Yet, though 'ha flat, it proves I scorn to flutter. 
 
 Some folks, when fuddled, shew such boist'rous airs 
 They're only tit society for bears ;
 
 COMIC TALES, 117 
 
 WHiilst others, full of whim, and fun, and frolic, 
 Would almost give hysterics to the cholic ! 
 Our hero with the latter class must rank. 
 For he grew merrier the more he drank ! 
 
 One day, bald-headed, having burnt his yar?/, 
 He homeward reel'd, with wits a little mazy: 
 The shop was full of customers, so he, 
 To prove himself a youth of gallantry. 
 Began their lips most lovingly to smack. 
 Behind " the partner of his life's" broad back; 
 Who, turning round, beheld the dear doves billing; 
 "Oh! you inconstant wretch! you knave! you 
 
 villain !" 
 (Exclaim'd she, loud enough to stun a drummer) 
 " To take such liberties with ev'ry comer.'"
 
 118 COMIC TALES. 
 
 This thunder-storm, which over Billy lower'd. 
 And Mrs. Sweet's sweet temper had so sower d, 
 Quickly subsided : 
 For, though as hot as any living, 
 She, to her credit, was forgiving. 
 Well ! Billy (to make some amends 
 For the sad blunder. 
 That rais'd the thunder,) 
 That he and spousy might be friends. 
 
 Behind the coMW^cr glided: 
 And there his feats his countcr-feata 
 I mean, 
 
 (As shall be seen) 
 Renew'd the thunder , sower d again \\\o sweet s. 
 And brought a hotter vengeance down. 
 And milling,
 
 COMIC TALES. 119 
 
 TTian if he'd counterfeited a half-crown. 
 Or shilling ! 
 For, scarcely was he settled there a small trice. 
 When Molly Melt, in melting heat, 
 
 A cookmaid fat, and hot, and gay, 
 Bounc'd in ; and, though she took a seat, 
 
 Seem'd much inclin'd to run away. 
 " Ah, Mrs. Sweet! dear, dear, how hot! 
 " Is Mrs. Mumble in the straw ? 
 " Miss Frisk's elop'd, they say, O law I 
 " Whew! bless me! 1 had near forgot, 
 " Quick, Mrs. Sweet, I wants an ounce of allspice" 
 " Allspice ? most lovely, and most fat," 
 Quoth Billy, " I'll attend to that:" 
 He did so, with some little fumbling. 
 While Molly laugh'd, and Mrs. S. stood grumbling.
 
 120 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " There, most facetious of fat cooks I he ! he ! 
 " I think you'll own I've serv'd you cleverly." 
 " O, very cleverly, Sir, hut 'fegs! 
 " Instead of allspice, you have given me nutmegs^ 
 "Nutmegs! w^hysot! what next will you be doing? 
 " Such drunken blunders sure will be our ruin." 
 " Well, but my dear" "I'll not hear one word more, 
 " Young woman, here's your spice, and there's the 
 
 door," 
 " I say she shan't go." " But she shall, I say;" 
 Thus the shop soon was clear'd, by "go" and "stay." 
 Forth flew, again, the acid of her tongue, 
 Like prime old cyder, when it bursts the bung! 
 And round his hatlcss, wigless head came spatt'ring 
 Plumbs, nutmegs, sugar, books, and glasses, scat- 
 
 t'ring,
 
 COMIC TALES. 121 
 
 And seizing in her hand a lot of mace, 
 She W2txxa[y pepper d him, and clove his face; 
 While he, with words of honey, strove to quiet 
 Sweet Mrs. Sweet's propensity to riot. 
 " Why bite those pretty beatroot lips? Oh, fie ! 
 " To fume and sputter so, is all my eye; 
 " Why scratch those cheeks, as pickled cabbage red, 
 " Why tear those pie-bald ringlets from thy head ^ 
 " Oh! say, but in a winter-morniny fashion, 
 " Coolhj, without a single spice of passion :" 
 She answer'd in a winter-morning fashion, 
 Though not divested of a spice of passion : 
 For, to his cost. 
 
 For all these throws ofl', 
 
 She answer'd more like Jacky Froft, 
 
 When he wo\\\([ snap one's nose ofl!
 
 122 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Why, drunkard! sot! self-will'd, perverse, in- 
 curable ! 
 " Such goings on, I vow, are not endurable ; 
 " Here do I slave, and scrape, and scratch, and 
 
 scramble, 
 " For what you're wasting in some drunken ramble. 
 " Homeward you reel, no matter whose the loss is, 
 " Pounds are for ounces serv'd, sand is for 
 
 sugar weigh'd ; 
 " Such doings would destroy the best of trade, 
 " And I must patiently endure these crosses ; 
 " And, as if all these tricks would not suffice, 
 " You must, forsooth, weigh nutmegs for allspice" 
 " Nay, lovey, there I'll prove that I am right, 
 
 " And you shall think so too, if you'll attend ; 
 " But mind now, when oonviiic'd, all strife 
 must end."
 
 COMIC TALES. 123 
 
 After her lips had suffer'd by a bite, 
 
 Just to help red-fac'd anger to take flight, 
 
 " Let it be so," said she, " for 'on my life, 
 
 " I'm tir'd of this jarring, endless strife." 
 
 " Ah, that's a lovey, kiss me ! now I'll shew 
 
 " What 'tis but proper ev'ry one should know ; 
 
 " Look at those nutmegs, love, examine nearly, 
 
 " Now answer me this question clearly: 
 
 " Do you see any thing but spice lay there?" 
 
 " No, I am beat; 'tis allspice, I declare." 
 
 " Thus, then, I've prov'd," cried Billy, with a 
 
 snigger, 
 " That nutmegs are allspice, grown rather bigger r 
 
 yOUNO FRANK. 
 
 1 2
 
 125 
 
 THE LIVING TOMBSTONE. 
 
 A GRAVE TALE. 
 
 Some twenty miles from London (more or less 
 Is immaterial, so you need not guess) 
 A couple dwelt in harmony, 
 That is, in chords, 
 I don't mean r(ypes. 
 Such tropes 
 May hang in others' memory, 
 J3ut I mean words.
 
 120 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Words of soft import, gently soothing, 
 Like oil the ocean's tempests smoothing. 
 My lady's voice would soft piano sing, 
 But if it touch'd the master string, 
 In double bass he grumbled; 
 
 That is, if she was too profuse. 
 
 And of his purse made too free use. 
 Like distant thunder, much he mumbled ; 
 But ne'er broke out in downright swearing, 
 The passions into fritters tearing; 
 No, his were softer tones. 
 Not like the harsh trombone's. 
 Or rolling of the double drums; 
 
 Such instrum(!iits you can't endure, 
 
 Save in an Opera Overture, 
 His notes were like the evening bees' soft hums.
 
 COMIC TALES. Vn 
 
 But love, that sweet, that noble passion. 
 From Eve's and Adam's days in fashion ; 
 That wings its way through scenes of bUss, 
 And Uves in rapture on a kiss ; 
 That flies the dreary hermit's cell. 
 In social intercourse to dwell, 
 That is the theme I'll prove. 
 Shall all your tender feelings move. 
 
 My couple tasted every sweet, 
 AYhen love and life thus blandly meet. 
 And very oft the village quoted 
 Their mutual love so very noted. 
 They like a hand-post at a turning. 
 Stood to give travellers a warning,
 
 128 COMIC TALES. 
 
 And pointing always to the right. 
 The ivrong was left and out of sight. 
 Thus year succeeded pleasant year. 
 And Time roli'd round his annual sphere. 
 No children had they, but they'd friends, 
 And piovd ones may make some amends 
 For want of oflspring: true, they may ; 
 But Dada loves his darling boy. 
 And little Miss is Mama's joy. 
 And these are dearer ties you'll say. 
 Yes, beyond doubt. 
 But these without. 
 They liv'd a comfortable life, 
 Till sickness seiz'd the suH'eriiig wife. 
 They tried and tried the doctor's skill, 
 Pill foilow'd draiigiit -draii;;lit follow'd pill;
 
 COMIC TALES. 129 
 
 Poor soul! she took them all, for much 
 
 She wish'd to recover, but vain 
 Was every effort, and such 
 The malady's increasing strength, 
 That nature could no more sustain ; 
 And at length, 
 
 Her feeble frame gave way, 
 
 That is, she died one day. 
 How can T tell you all the widower felt? 
 O ! it would make each tender bosom melt. 
 
 Each eye with crying swell; 
 So much he suft'er'd, people thought grim 
 Death had got a hankering after him. 
 
 He into such deep sorrow fell; 
 Sometimes raving sometimes musing ; 
 Sometimes (but not oi his own chusing)
 
 130 COMIC TALES. 
 
 He took a little brandy, this 
 People thought was not amiss ; 
 Because, when sorrow runs so high, 
 'Tis apt to make the sufF'rer dry. 
 At length came on the dreadful day. 
 The mourners, clad in black array, 
 Their friend tried to console, 
 But with their dismal dole 
 They little could assist him ; no. 
 Too great, too poignant was his woe ; 
 
 Indeed, so much was he 
 Afflicted with grief's agony. 
 That more than once he tried to throw 
 Himself into the grave below. 
 And there to lie 
 With his dear wifi; and di( .
 
 COMIC TALES. 131 
 
 But this his friends prevented, 
 
 And after much persuasion, he consented 
 
 To go with one to London, there to have 
 
 A Tombstone, which he'd place upon the grave. 
 
 And on it should be carv'd, in good black letter. 
 
 Her saint-like virtues as a sample. 
 
 To other wives a fine example, 
 For surely never man had better ! 
 His friend in London had a sister fair. 
 Who shew'd the widower much attentive care ; 
 Oft they consulted what were best. 
 As Epitaph to have exprest, 
 Till doubts within his mind arose, 
 And cropp'd the cypress on his brows. 
 Her worth while living was well known, 
 'Twould not be more engrav'd on stone,
 
 132 COMIC TALES. 
 
 And in a village church-yard, few 
 
 Who looKd at Epitaphs could read 'em too. 
 
 He often thought of Adam's case, 
 Who having one rib ta'en aw^ay, 
 Had, on a certain day, 
 
 Another put in'ts place. 
 And of the two, the second 
 Might better than i\\e first be reckon'd. 
 
 The lady, too, in reasoning falter' d, 
 And hers to his opinion alter'd; 
 From courtesy she now gave way. 
 
 It came with better grace. 
 Than if the silly word obey, 
 
 Had taken place. 
 In line, the lady gave consent: 
 <-iuick to a mii'lil)'rinu cliiircli tluy went,
 
 COMIC TALES. 133 
 
 And tied upon my life! 
 The knot that made 'em man and wife ! 
 
 Just the day fortnight that he left 
 
 His village of all joy bereft, 
 
 And came the saddest mourner up to town, 
 
 He took his second wife a Living Tombstone down ! 
 
 OLD FRANK. 
 
 [However improbable the foregoing Tale may appear, il is " not more 
 strange tban true."]
 
 135 
 
 ESSENCE OF PUNNING. 
 
 Let merciless critics decry a good pun. 
 
 And strangle the cause of much innocent fun; 
 
 Yet, though the brat's crook'd, I'm so fond of his 
 
 presence. 
 That, by jingo ! I've got him reduc'd to an essence! 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle duni, dun, 
 Hey cockolorum jig! now for a pun : 
 If on a hearth-JM</ you should happen to slip, 
 Say, " the path was so rngrjed, 'twas that made 
 
 " me trip."
 
 136 COMIC TALES, 
 
 Punning Peter, one day, like j)oor Yorick of yoie. 
 
 Was told that the table he kept in a 7-our ; 
 
 " Then," said Peter, " this broken old flap I'll not 
 
 hide, 
 " It has roard, I suppose, 'till it crack'd it's old 
 
 side !" 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle dum, dnii, 
 Hey cockolorum jig ! now for a pun : 
 Let the Ensign go boast of his banners and rags, 
 Pooh! a Londoner ev'ry day tcnlks upon flaga! 
 
 'Tis a very bud habit, some folks say, lo pun ; 
 
 But a bad habit, surely, is better than none; 
 
 And if auts go iptitc bare, they're but laugh'd at for 
 
 fools. 
 For being so silly to play with edifd tools.
 
 COMIC TALES. 1:^ 
 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle duni, doodle dum, dun, 
 Hey cockolorura jig! now for a pun : 
 Sure the fdon, uncensured, his fate may bewail; 
 When he sees only bars, why he surely may rail! 
 
 Peter Pun, at a party, one day was beset 
 By a jockey, who oft'er'd five guineas to bet, 
 That habit had put it quite out of his power 
 To remain without punning the space of an hour. 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle dum, dun, 
 
 Hey cockolorura jig! now for a pun : 
 
 You may quarter ihc soldier as oft as you please, 
 
 For he lives best in quarters, and most at his rase / 
 
 Peter thought, to this bet, he had better cry, 
 
 "done!" 
 But candidly own'd, tft steer clear of n pini, 
 
 K
 
 138 COMIC TALRS. 
 
 He must shut close his ears, and be silent as sleep. 
 Or out the young urchins would certainly creep. 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle duniv doodle dum, dun, 
 Hey cockoloruni jig! now for a pun: 
 Once a butcher caught hold of a thief by the shank, 
 Kecover'd his buttock, and gave him ixfiank! 
 
 Peter nibbled his thumbs, Peter play'd with his chin, 
 ResolvM, if he could, the five guineas to win: 
 He walk'd to the window, he rubb'd up his locks. 
 He whistled for there was a mun in the stocks! 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle dum, doodle dum, dun. 
 Hey cockoloruni jig! now for the jmn : 
 Peter nttcr'd no sentence, to son or to daddy, 
 But ivhistled a dittij, call'd " Through the Wood, 
 Laddie r
 
 COMIC TALES. 139 
 
 " A pun ! Oh, a palpable pun !" cried the host, 
 
 " Or, if Mo^ a pun, it was surely its ghost." 
 
 " 'Twas the essence,'' cried Peter, " and aptly you 
 
 " caught it, 
 " For, though I spoke not, yet I certainly thoiight it." 
 Sing doodle dum, doodle duni, doodle dum, dun. 
 Hey cockolorum j ig ! now for a pun: 
 This story I carried a very great way, 
 It's not carried too far, if you wish it to stay. 
 
 YOUNG FRANK.
 
 141 
 
 Tlx^IE, OR THE PUGILISTS. 
 
 A MORAL TALE. 
 
 Two Boxers long enroU'd by fame, 
 
 In honours such as bruisers claim, 
 
 Who having often sparr'd and fought. 
 
 And many a hardy victory bought, 
 
 By thumps, black-eyes, and knock-down blows. 
 
 Eke broken head and bloody nose; 
 
 At length, like other heroes great. 
 
 That can control each humble state.
 
 14*2 COMIC TALES. 
 
 And keep the peaceful rogues in awe. 
 By what the vulgar call cluh-Iaic, 
 Agreed, through friends, they should contest, 
 AVhich of themselves could fight the best. 
 Ambassadors went forth to treat, 
 Each Champion's council sage to greet; 
 ^ot with intent to otler peace, 
 And bid the sanguine passions cease; 
 Xo; they the bruising art admir'd, 
 Were with the glorious contest fir'd : 
 Therefore, they wid{;r made the breach, 
 Convey'd in threats, from each t<j e;ich. 
 
 At length these sage Anibassadors 
 Arran<i'<l all matters by tlu,' laws 
 liy j)Uf/i(isfic hues, J n)eaii. 
 Such as apply to (i^iitni;: im ii ;
 
 COMIC TALES. 143 
 
 For war, in every various scene, 
 Where blood and slaughter intervene, 
 Pays, or, at least, appears to pay 
 Respect to what it does away. 
 Thus, when a tyrant conqu'ror seizes 
 Some state his fell ambition pleases, 
 He says they had infring'd the laiv, 
 And holds them bound by right of war. 
 The Dutch, th" Italians, and the Swiss, 
 Severely feel the truth of this. 
 Heaven guard our happy Isle ! may we 
 l-'rom Conquerors' laivs be ever free ! 
 
 At length all matters are agreed, 
 Tlie Combatants, iu form, proceed 
 To fam'd Olympus or Eleusis, 
 M Inch ever name the reader chooses;
 
 144 COMU; TALES. 
 
 Yet think not they such ninnies prove. 
 Merely to fight for downright love; 
 No ; money, money is the prize. 
 To pay for bruises and black-eyes. 
 The scientific gulls profound. 
 In close cabal are plac'd around. 
 
 Now hands they shake, and now set-to, 
 To please the motley, mongrel crew. 
 A round is fought, and then another. 
 The odds run high on this and t'other; 
 Murmurs, and shouts, and loud huzzas, 
 Sound forth each battcr'd hero's praist^; 
 But still, obedient to the Imcs, 
 'Twixt ev'ry round there is a pause.- 
 " Time! " cries a voice, again they fight, 
 Besmear'd and bruis'd, a hideous sinlit!
 
 COMIC TALES. 145 
 
 Round after round with mix'd applause 
 Goes on, and " time" ends every pause. 
 
 Time, call'd so oft, at length appears, 
 
 A goodly sage, though worn with years; 
 
 At sight of him each savage started. 
 
 And growling, would have thence departed : 
 
 Enchantment fixes them ; they stand. 
 
 And trembling, view the glass in's hand ; 
 
 While prostrate, panting on the ground. 
 
 The Boxers by the spell are bound. 
 
 He speaks. " What would ye, knaves and fools, 
 
 " Who thus disturb my peaceful rules? 
 
 " Say, titled idlers, what have you 
 
 " Among this motley group to do? 
 
 " Within St. Stephen's echoing walls, 
 
 " The Senate for your service calls;
 
 146 COMIC TALES. 
 
 " Your Country, too, demands your aid, 
 " There let your prowess be display'd; 
 *' Great Nelson your example be, 
 " And ride triumphant on the sea! 
 " Oj- if you fights prefer by land, 
 " March under Wellington's command ; 
 " And let the foes of Britain know, 
 " What to your native land you owe ! 
 " ]'or you, ye sots, that mingled round, 
 " In murm'ring laziness are found, 
 " Go to your sev'ral homes, and there 
 " Let your starv'd otl'spring be your care ; 
 " AVork, shew your industry iind love, 
 " And thus to Thill', your value [)rt)ve ! 
 " Vou, bleeding uiastitfs, who have now 
 " No power to urge the angry blow;
 
 COMIC TALES. 147 
 
 " Yet whose hard hearts still burn with rage, 
 
 " In the tierce conflict to engage; 
 
 " On you is vainly spent my breath 
 
 " Behold, how near the victor Death; 
 
 " See ready his uplifted dart, 
 
 " To pierce each bleeding bravo's heart." 
 
 This said, his garment opening wide, 
 J)iscover'd Death close at his side ; 
 Their fear he saw the spell unbound, 
 And each prepar'd to quit the ground ; 
 In haste, the late exulting crew. 
 Peers, Boxers, Mob, and all withdrew. 
 
 OLD FRANK.
 
 145) 
 
 THE SALAMANDER ; 
 
 3Jo|^n Scrag anU ^cggg rissfein. 
 
 A COCKNEY DITTY. 
 
 Come, girls and boys, and men and vomen, 
 
 I've a doleful tale to tell, 
 Will set your eyes with salt tears swimming, 
 
 And make your huzums for to swell ! 
 And it's all about a Salamander, 
 See what time, will bring to light.
 
 l->0 f'OMIC TALES. 
 
 John Scrag had long lov'd Peggy Griskiii ; 
 
 The flame his heart did soreK' scorcli; 
 When suddenly he found that his skin 
 
 Was as black as any torch ! 
 
 And it's all, cvc. 
 
 To Peggy Griskin then he go did; 
 
 " Oh, Peg!" says he, " I feel as if 
 " Vit/i sijuibs and brimstone I vas loaded; 
 
 " If you doubt it, take a sniti!" 
 
 And it's all, I've. 
 
 " Oh, Peg<;y ! T have courted you, now 
 " Seven, long years this icfii/ day." 
 
 " Oh, law!'' says she, don't look so blue, now, 
 " Or I shall surely faint a ray." 
 
 A U.I It's all, .Ve
 
 COMIC TALKS. 151 
 
 " Oh! take compassion on mj^ bowels, 
 " Consent to be John Scrag liis vife; 
 
 ** Oh ! roll me in some nice vet towels, 
 " And kill my Salamander's life." 
 
 And it's all, cVc. 
 
 " I'd sooner jump out of the vinder," 
 
 Quoth Peggy, "than vith you I'd ved; 
 
 " I should be burnt up to a cinder, 
 
 " And leave my ashes in the bed." 
 
 And it's all, cVc, 
 
 Vifh that, he squeak'd, and did exclaim out, 
 
 " S\vcet Salamander, dout be rash ! 
 "Oh! Peg! Peg! Peg! put, put the flame out !" 
 Vith that he icanislid m a flash ! 
 
 Ami it's all, tve.
 
 ir>2 COMIC TALES. 
 
 Vhen Peggy Griskin go to rest did, 
 She dreamt the poker was red-hot ; 
 
 And direful phantoms her infested, 
 Sich as never could be not. 
 
 And it's all, ttc 
 
 Still, still, she saw the red-hot poker, 
 
 And thought John thrust it through her ribs; 
 
 " Oh, lard !" she squall'd, and that awoke her, 
 " My heart feels full of hissing squibs." 
 
 And it's all, c^ic. 
 
 She look'd, and there she saw John's spectre ; 
 
 The Salamander near him stood ; 
 And she nxd John's spectre to pertcct her ; 
 
 Says he, " 1 vou'dnt, if I could." 
 
 And it's all, \f.
 
 COMIC TALES. IM 
 
 " That Salamander is my heart, Peg, 
 
 " Kept by you mjlame so long; 
 " And, never will it from you part. Peg, 
 
 " Amen! Presto! Bo! Ding dong!" 
 
 And it's all, &c. 
 
 The Salamander, then it grinn'd, ah! 
 
 And seiz'd her round the waist so fair, 
 And hugg'd her 'till she was a cinder, 
 
 And only left her ashes there. 
 
 And it's all, tVc. 
 
 MORAL. 
 
 Then lovers, never so long tarry ; 
 
 You see the danger of delay : 
 If you'd quench your flames why marry! 
 
 And the Salamander 11 keep away 
 
 And that's all, &c. 
 
 VOrN*; FRANK
 
 155 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 Old Maids in Hell, 'tis said, lead apes, 
 It may be true but tarry 
 
 They're Bachelors that fill those shapes. 
 Because they did not marry. 
 
 OLD FRANK. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 When the old proverb first to man was given, 
 " That marriages are solemniz'd in Heaven," 
 Perhaps it might be so, I cannot tell, 
 Noiv, I should think, that some are made in Hell! 
 
 OLD FRANK.
 
 156 COMIC TALES. 
 
 EPIGRAM. 
 
 " Pray does one More, a lawyer, \\s hard by ?" 
 
 " I do not know of one," was the reply; 
 
 ' But if o/te less were Hving, T am sure, 
 
 " Mankind his absence safely might endure." 
 
 OLU FKANK. 
 
 I II K 1. ,N 1). 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 it. CLAY, UiVU.NSUlKt SIHLLl, tlbUUlbl-
 
 LATELY PUBLISHED AT FEARMANS LIBRARY, 
 170, 
 
 NEW BOND STREET. 
 
 1. TALES OF MY' LANDLORD, Three Vols, containing 
 Pontefract Castle. 
 
 " Oh, Pomfret, Pomfret! Oh, thou bloody prison! 
 Fatal and ominous to noble peers, 
 Within the guilty closure of thy walls, 
 Richard the Second here was hack'd to death." 
 
 2. THE CHARACTERISTIC C0STU3IE OF FRANCE. 
 Quarto. From Drawings made on the Spot, with appro])riate 
 descriptions in French and Englisli. 
 
 By an Artist recently returned from the Continent. 
 
 X THE PLEASURES OF WANT, or. In Love and not 
 in Love. A Novel, in Three Volumes. 
 By Catherine St, George. 
 
 i. THE FLOWERS OF RHETORIC, the Graces of 
 Eloquence, and the Charms of Oratory. 
 By tlie Rev. Ralph Sharp, D. D. 
 
 " It is one thing to make an idea clear, auolhcr to make it affecting lo 
 the imagination." 
 
 ,). ADVICE TO ROUGE ET NOIR PLAYERS, with 
 Hints to Government and the Bank Directors; touching a 
 Medium jn'esumed to them unknown, througli which Forged 
 Notes are put into extensive Circulation. 
 
 6. EUGENIE ET MATHILDE, ou, Memoires de la Famitle 
 du Coiute de Revel. 3 Tom. 
 
 Par Madame de Souza. 
 
 7. MADEMOISELLE DE LA FAYETTE, ou, Le Sivck de 
 Louis XIJI. 2 Tom. 
 
 Par Madame de Genlis.
 
 Books Published by W. Fearman, 170, Neio Bond Street. 
 
 8. VARIETY. A Novel, in Three Vols. 
 By Elizabeth Louisa Slater Princeps. 
 
 9. THE TIMES, or, Views of Society. A Poem, witli 
 Notes; to which is added an Appendix, containing various 
 Scenes fi'om Four Plays. 
 
 10. POPULAR OBSERVATIONS on the Diseases of 
 Literary and Sedentary Persons ; to which are added. Hints for 
 their Preservation and Removal. 
 
 By W. A7idre Pearkes, Member of the Royal College of 
 Surgeons. 
 
 11. A TREATISE of the PHYSIOLOGY and DISEASES 
 of the EAR, containing a comparative Mew of its various 
 Diseases. 
 
 By John Harrison Curtis, Esq. Aurist to the King. 
 
 12. AMATEURS AND ACTORS. A Musical Farce, in 
 Two Acts. 
 
 By R. B. Peake, Esq. 
 
 13. THE RENDEZVOUS. An Operetta, in One Act. 
 Hy Richard A yton, Esq. 
 
 14. THE GREEN MAN. A Comedy, in Three Acts. 
 By Richard Junes, Esq. 
 
 15. WALK FOR A WAGER. A Musical Farce, in Two 
 Acts. 
 
 By R. B. Peake, Esq. 
 
 16. THE THEATRICAL INQUISITOR. 
 
 17. THE LADY'S MAGAZINE. A New Series, with 
 Illustrations from The Tales of my Landlord. 
 
 18. A LETTER to all the Proprietors of Drury Lane Theatre, 
 excepting Peter Moore, Esq. 
 
 B3' <S'. /. Arnold, Esq. 
 
 19. A NEW VISIT BOOK, for the Use of the Nobility 
 and Gentry. 
 
 L'O. JEALOUS ON ALL SIDES. An Lilcrludc.
 
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