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THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
The DOLLY
DIALOGUES
By ANTHONY HOPE
WITH EIGHTEEN ILLUSTRATIONS BY
HOWARD CHANDLER CHRISTY
r'HESE are foolish things to all the wise —
And I love wisdom more than she loves me
NEW YORK • R. H. RUSSELL
NINETEEN. HUNDRED AND ONE
, ■' ,
Copyright 1901 by
ROBERT HOWARD RUSSELL
UNIVERSITY PRESS . JOHN WILSON
AND SON • CAMBRIDGE, U. S. A.
D,
CONTENTS
I.
II.
V
III.
IV.
V.
VI.
VII.
,1
VIII.
iJ.
IX.
X.
XI.
}
XII.
XIII.
i
XIV.
XV.
XVI,
XVII.
XVIII
PAGE
• A Liberal Education 9
■ Cordial Relations 16
■ Retribution 24
-The Perverseness of It 31
-A Matter of Duty 39
-My Last Chance 47
-The Little Wretch! 55
-An Expensive Privilege 63
-A Very Dull Affair 71
-Strange, but True 80
-The Very Latest Thing .... 89
-An Uncounted Hour 97
-A Reminiscence 105
-Ancient History 113
-A Fine Day 122
-The House Opposite 129
-A Quick Change 137
-A Slight Mistake 145
v
_JLft_- *_^ I . -
CONTENTS
PAGE
XIX. — The Other Lady 153
XX. — A Life Subscription 161
XXI. — What Might Have Been .... 169
XXII. — A Fatal Obstacle 178
XXIII. — The Curate's Bump 186
XXIV. — One Way In 194
VI
List of Illustrations
Dolly Frontispiece
PAGE
Mr. Carter 10
Miss Dolly Foster 18
" Wer,e you ever in Love ? " she asked .... 32
" Are n't you accustomed to your dignity yet ? " . 40
" Why, I was the man with Lady Mickleham " . 66
u There is n't," said George, " a girl in London to
touch her" 84
" Lady Mickleham is usually accounted a person of
considerable attractions " 92
"I've been hearing something about you, Mr.
Carter" 114
" He 's a nice boy," said she. " How like he is to
you, Mr. Carter" 126
"You were sitting close by me — on a bench " . 138
"You seem very pleased with yourself," said Dolly 154
" Aren't you ever going to marry ? " 162
" Oh, mine 's a life subscription " 166
" She used to bore me awfully about you ' ; . . . 180
" Now, is n't that provoking ? " cried Dolly.
"They haven't rolled the tennis lawn" . 188
"You are an Apollo, Mr. Carter " ..... 192
vii
The Dolly Dialogues
i
A LIBERAL EDUCATION
]HERE 'S ingratitude for you ! "
Miss Dolly Foster exclaimed
suddenly.
" Where ? ' I asked, rousing
myself from meditation.
She pointed at a young man
who had just passed where we sat. He was
dressed very smartly, and was walking with a
lady attired in the height of the fashion.
" I made that man," said Dolly, " and now
he cuts me dead before the whole of the Row !
It's atrocious. Why, but for me, do you sup-
pose he 'd be at this moment engaged to three
thousand a year and — and the plainest girl in
London ? "
" Not that," I pleaded ; " think of— "
" Well, very plain, anyhow. I was quite ready
to bow to him. I almost did."
" In fact, you did ? "
"I didn't. I declare I didn't."
" Oh, well, you did n't, then. It only looked
like it."
9
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I met him," said Miss Dolly, " three years
ago. At that time he was — oh, quite unpre-
sentable. He was everything he shouldn't be.
He was a teetotaler, you know, and he didn't
smoke, and he was always going to concerts.
Oh, and he wore his hair long, and his trousers
short, and his hat on the back of his head. And
his umbrella — "
" Where did he wear that ? "
" He carried that, Mr. Carter. Don't be
silly ! Carried it unrolled, you know, and gen-
erally a paper parcel in the other hand ; and he
had spectacles too."
" He has certainly changed outwardly at least."
" Yes, I know ; well, I did that. I took him
in hand, and I just taught him, and now — !"
"Yes, I know that. But how did you teach
him ? Give him Saturday evening lectures, or
what? "
"Oh, every-evening lectures, and most-morning
walks. And I taught him to dance, and I broke
his wretched fiddle with my own hands ! ' !
" What very arbitrary distinctions you draw ! "
" I don't know what you mean. I do like
a man to be smart, anyhow. Don't you, Mr.
Carter ? You 're not so smart as you might be.
Now, shall I take you in hand ? " And she
smiled upon me.
IO
V
£?*?
► I I»I1S t
Mr. Carter
A LIBERAL EDUCATION
" Let 's hear your method. What did you do
to him ? "
" To Phil Meadows ? Oh, nothing. I just
slipped in a remark here and there, whenever he
talked nonsense. I used to speak just at the
right time, you know."
" But how had your words such influence, Miss
Foster?"
" Oh, well, you know, Mr. Carter, I made it
a condition that he should do just what I wanted
in little things like that. Did he think I was
going to walk about with a man carrying a brown-
paper parcel — as if we had been to the shop for
a pound of tea ? "
" Still, I don't see why he should alter all
his — "
" Oh, you are stupid ! Of course, he liked
me, you know."
" Oh, did he ? I see."
" You seem to think that very funny."
<£ Not that he did — but that, apparently, he
oes n t.
" Well, you got out of that rather neatly — for
you. No, he does n't now. You see, he mis-
understood my motive. He thought — well, I do
believe he thought I cared for him, you know.
Of course I did n't."
"Not a bit?"
1 1
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
«
Just as a friend — and a pupil, you know.
And when he 'd had his hair cut and bought a
frock-coat (fancy ! he 'd never had one !), he
looked quite nice. He has nice eyes. Did you
notice them ? "
" Lord, no ! "
" Well, you 're so unobservant."
" Oh, not always. I 've observed that your — "
" Please don't ! It 's no use, is it ? "
I looked very unhappy. There is an under-
standing that I am very unhappy since Miss
Foster's engagement to the Earl of Mickleham
was announced.
" What was I saying before — before you —
you know — oh, about Phil Meadows, of course.
I did like him very much, you know, or I should n't
have taken all that trouble. Why, his own mother
thanked me ! "
"I have no more to say," said I.
" But she wrote me a horrid letter afterwards."
" You 're so very elliptical."
" So very what, Mr. Carter ? "
" You leave so much out, I mean. After what ? "
" Why, after I sent him away. Did n't I tell
you ? Oh, we had the most awful scene. He
raved, Mr. Carter. He called me the most hor-
rid names, and — "
" Tore his hair ? "
12
A LIBERAL EDUCATION
" It was n't long enough to get hold of," she
tittered. " But don't laugh. It was really dread-
ful. And so unjust ! And then, next day, when
I thought it was comfortably over, you know, he
came back, and — and apologised, and called him-
self the most awful names, and — well, that was
reallv worse."
"What did the fellow complain of?' I asked
in wondering tones.
" Oh, he said I 'd destroyed his faith in women,
you -know, and that I 'd led him on, and that I
was — well, he was very rude indeed. And he
went on writing me letters like that for a whole
year ! It made me quite uncomfortable."
" But he did n't go back to short trousers and
a fiddle, did he ? " I asked anxiously.
"Oh, no. But he forgot all he owed me, and
he told me that his heart was dead, and that he
should never love any one again."
" But he 's going to marry that girl."
" Oh, he does n't care about her," said Miss
Dolly, reassuringly. " It 's the money, you know.
He had n't a farthing of his own. Now he '11 be
set up for life."
" And it 's all due to you ! " said I, admiringly.
"Well, it is, really."
" I don't call her such a bad-looking girl,
though." (I hadn't seen her face.)
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Mr. Carter ! She 's hideous ! "
I dropped that subject.
" And now," said Miss Dolly again, " he cuts
me dead ! "
" It is the height of ingratitude. Why, to love
you was a liberal education ! "
" Yes, was n't it ? How nicely you put that !
' A liberal education ! ' I shall tell Archie."
(Archie is Lord Mickleham.)
" What, about Phil Meadows ? "
" Goodness me, no, Mr. Carter. Just what you
said, you know."
" But why not tell Mickleham about Phil
Meadows ? " I urged. " It 's all to your credit,
you know."
"Yes, I know, but men are so foolish. You
see, Archie thinks — "
" Of course he does."
" You might let me finish."
" Archie thinks you were never in love before."
" Yes, he does. Well, of course, I was n't in
love with Phil — "
"Not a little bit?"
" Oh, well — "
" Nor with any one else ? "
Miss Dolly prodded the path with her parasol.
" Nor with any one else ? " I asked again.
Miss Dolly looked for an instant in my
direction. 14
A LIBERAL EDUCATION
" Nor with any one else ? " said I.
Miss Dolly looked straight in front of her.
" Nor with — " I began.
" Hullo, old chappie, where did you spring
from ? "
" Why, Archie ! " cried Miss Dolly.
" Oh, how are you, Mickleham, old man ?
Take this seat; I 'm just off — just off. Yes, I
was, upon my honour — got to meet a man at the
club. Good-by, Miss Foster. Jove ! I 'm late ! "
And as I went I heard Miss Dolly say, " I
thought you were never coming, Archie, dear ! "
Well, she did n't think he was coming just then.
No more did I.
15
II
CORDIAL RELATIONS
'HE other day I paid a call on
Miss Dolly Foster for the pur-
pose of presenting to her my
small offering on the occasion
of her marriage to Lord Mick-
leham. It was a pretty little bit
of jewellery, — a pearl heart, broken (rubies played
the part of blood) and held together by a gold pin,
set with diamonds, the whole surmounted by an
earl's coronet. I had taken some trouble about
it, and I was grateful when Miss Dolly asked me
to explain the symbolism.
" It is my heart," I observed. " The fracture
is of your making : the pin — "
Here Miss Dolly interrupted ; to tell the truth,
I was not sorry, for I was fairly gravelled for the
meaning of the pin.
"What nonsense, Mr. Carter!" said she; "but
it 's awfully pretty. Thanks, so very, very much.
Are n't relations funny people ? "
"If you wish to change the subject, pray
do," said I. "I '11 change anything except my
affections."
16
CORDIAL RELATIONS
" Look here," she pursued, holding out a bun-
dle of letters. " Here are the congratulatory
epistles from relations. Shall I read you a
few ? "
" It will be a most agreeable mode of passing
the time," said I.
" This is from Aunt Georgiana — she 's a
widow — lives at Cheltenham. ' My dearest
Dorothea — ' "
« Who ? "
" Dorothea 's my name, Mr. Carter. It means
the gift of heaven, you know."
" Precisely. Pray proceed, Miss Dolly. I did
not at first recognise you."
" f My dearest Dorothea, I have heard the news
of your engagement to Lord Mickleham with
deep thankfulness. To obtain the love of an
honest man is a great prize. I hope you will
prove worthy of it. Marriage is a trial and an
opportunity — ' "
" Hear, hear ! " said I. "A trial for the
husband and — "
" Be quiet, Mr. Carter. l A trial and an oppor-
tunity. It searches the heart and it affords a
sphere of usefulness which — ' So she goes on,
you know. I don't see why I need be lectured
just because I 'm going to be married, do you, Mr.
Carter ? "
2 17
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Let 's try another," said I. " Who 's that on
pink paper ? "
" Oh, that 's Georgy Vane. She 's awful fun.
' Dear old Dolly, — So you 've brought it off.
Hearty congrats. I thought you were going to
be silly and throw away — ' There's nothing
else there, Mr. Carter. Look here. Listen to
this. It's from Uncle William. He's a clergy-
man, you know. * My dear Niece, — I have
heard with great gratification of your engagement.
Your aunt and I unite in all good wishes. I recol-
lect Lord Mickleham's father when I held a cur-
acy near Worcester. He was a regular attendant
at church and a supporter of all good works in the
diocese. If only his son takes after him ' (fancy
Archie !) ' you have secured a prize. I hope you
have a proper sense of the responsibilities you are
undertaking. Marriage affords no small oppor-
tunities ; it also entails certain trials — ' "
" Why, you 're reading Aunt Georgiana again."
" Am I ? No, it 's Uncle William."
"Then let's try a fresh cast — unless you'll
finish Georgy Vane's."
" Well, here 's Cousin Susan's. She 's an old
maid, you know. It 's very long. Here 's a bit :
' Woman has it in her power to exercise a sacred
influence. I have not the pleasure of knowing
Lord Mickleham, but I hope, my dear, that you
18
,.:,..
Miss Do//y Foster
CORDIAL RELATIONS
will use your power over him for good. It is
useless for me to deny that when you stayed with
me, I thought you were addicted to frivolity.
Doubtless marriage will sober you. Try to make
a good use of its lessons. I am sending you a
biscuit tin' — and so on."
" A very proper letter," said I.
Miss Dolly indulged in a slight grimace, and
took up another letter.
"This," she said, "is from my sister-in-law,
Mrs. "Algernon Foster."
" A daughter of Lord Doldrums, was n't she ? '
" Yes. c My dear Dorothea, — I have heard
your news. I do hope it will turn out happily.
I believe that any woman who conscientiously does
her duty can find happiness in married life. Her
husband and children occupy all her time and all
her thoughts, and if she can look for few of the
lighter pleasures of life, she has at least the knowl-
edge that she is of use in the world. Please ac-
cept the accompanying volumes ' (it's Browning)
' as a small — ' I say, Mr. Carter, do you think
it 's really like that ? "
" There is still time to draw back," I observed.
" Oh, don't be silly. Here, this is my brother
Tom's. c Dear Dol, — I thought Mickleham
rather an ass when I met him, but I dare say you
know best. What 's his place like ? Does he
19
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
take a moor? I thought I read that he kept a
yacht. Does he ? Give him my love and a kiss.
Good luck, old girl. — Tom. P.S. — I'm glad
it's not me, you know.'"
" A disgusting letter," I observed.
" Not at all," said Miss Dolly, dimpling. « It 's
just like dear old Tom. Listen to grandpapa's.
' My dear Granddaughter, — The alliance ' (I rather
like it's being called an alliance, Mr. Carter. It
sounds like the Royal Family, doesn't it?) 'you
are about to contract is in all respects a suitable
one. I send you my blessing, and a small check
to help towards your trousseau. — Yours affec-
tionately, Jno. Wm. Foster.' "
That," said I, " is the best up to now."
Yes, it 's 500," said she, smiling. " Here 's
old Lady M.'s."
"Whose?" I exclaimed.
" Archie's mother's, you know. c My dear
Dorothea (as I suppose I must call you now), —
Archibald has informed us of his engagement, and
I and the girls ' (there are five girls, Mr. Carter)
'hasten to welcome his bride. I am sure Archie
will make his wife very happy. He is rather
particular (like his dear father), but he has a good
heart, and is not fidgety about his meals. Of
course we shall be delighted to move out of The
Towers at once. I hope we shall see a great deal
20
u
CORDIAL RELATIONS
of you soon. Archie is full of your praises, and
we thoroughly trust his taste. Archie — ' It's
all about Archie, you see."
" Naturally," said I.
"Well, I don't know. I suppose I count a
little, too. Oh, look here. Here 's Cousin Fred's
— but he 's always so silly. I shan't read you
his."
" Oh, just a bit of it," I pleaded.
" Well, here 's one bit. c I suppose I can't
murder him, so I must wish him joy. All I can
say is, Dolly, that he 's the luckiest ' (something I
can't read — either fellow or — devil) ' I ever heard
of. I wonder if you 've forgotten that evening — ' "
Well, go on." For she stopped.
Oh, there's nothing else."
"In fact, you have forgotten the evening ? '
" Entirely," said Miss Dolly, tossing her head.
" But he sends me a love of a bracelet. He can't
possibly pay for it, poor boy."
"Young knave ! " said I, severely. (I had paid
for my pearl heart.)
" Then come a lot from girls. Oh, there 's one
from Maud Tottenham — she 's a second cousin,
you know — it 's rather amusing. c I used to know
your fiance slightly. He seemed very nice, but
it 's a long while ago, and I never saw much of
him. I hope he is really fond of you, and that
21
cc
<<
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
it is not a mere fancy. Since you love him so
much, it would be a pity if he did not care deeply
for you.
"Interpret, Miss Dolly," said I.
" She tried to catch him herself," said Miss
Dolly.
" Ah, I see. Is that all ? "
" The others are n't very interesting."
" Then let 's finish Georgy Vane's."
" Really ? " she asked, smiling.
"Yes. Really."
" Oh, if you don't mind, I don't," said she,
laughing, and she hunted out the pink note and
spread it before her. " Let me see. Where was
I ? Oh, here. ' I thought you were going to be
silly and throw away your chances on some of the
men who used to flirt with you. Archie Mickle-
ham may not be a genius, but he 's a good fellow
and a swell and rich ; he 's not a pauper, like
Phil Meadows, or a snob, like Charlie Dawson,
or — 'shall I go on, Mr. Carter? No, I won't.
I didn't see what it was."
" Yes, you shall go on."
" Oh, no, I can't," and she folded up the letter.
" Then I will," and I 'm ashamed to say I
snatched the letter. Miss Dolly jumped to her
feet. I fled behind the table. She ran round.
I dodged.
22
CORDIAL RELATIONS
cc
* Or — '" I began to read.
Stop ! " cried she.
" * Or a young spendthrift like that man — I
forget his name — whom you used to go on with
at such a pace at Monte Carlo last winter.' :
" Stop ! " she cried, stamping her foot. I
read on : —
" £ No doubt he was charming, my dear, and no
doubt anybody would have thought you meant it;
but I never doubted you. Still, were n't you just
a little — '"
" Stop ! " she cried. " You must stop, Mr.
Carter."
So then I stopped. I folded the letter and
handed it back to her. Her cheeks flushed red as
she took it.
" I thought you were a gentleman," said she,
biting her lip.
" I was at Monte Carlo last winter myself,"
said I.
" Lord Mickleham," said the butler, throwing
open the door.
23
Ill
RETRIBUTION
IN future I am going to be careful
what I do. I am also — and this
is by no means less important —
going to be very careful what
Miss Dolly Foster does. Every-
body knows (if I may quote her
particular friend Nellie Phaeton) that dear Dolly
means no harm, but she is "just a little harum-
scarum." I thanked Miss Phaeton for the
expression.
The fact is that " old Lady M." (here I quote
Miss Dolly) sent for me the other day. I have
not the honour of knowing the Countess, and I
went in some trepidation. When I was ushered
in, Lady Mickleham put up her " starers." (You
know those abominations ! Pince-nez with long
torture — I mean tortoise — shell handles.)
"Mr. — er — Carter?" said she.
I bowed. I would have denied it if I could.
" My dears ! " said Lady Mickleham.
Upon this five young ladies who had been sit-
ting in five straight-backed chairs, doing five pieces
24
RETRIBUTION
of embroidery, rose, bowed, and filed out of the
room. I felt very nervous. A pause followed.
Then the Countess observed — and it seemed at
first rather irrelevant —
" I 've been reading an unpleasant story."
" In these days of French influence," I began
apologetically (not that I write such stories, or
indeed any stories, but Lady Mickleham invites
an apologetic attitude), and my eye wandered to
the table. I saw nothing worse (or better) than
the morning paper there.
" Contained in a friend's letter," she continued,
focussing the " starers " full on my face.
I did not know what to do, so I bowed again.
" It must have been as painful for her to write
as for me to read," Lady Mickleham went on.
"And that is saying much. Be seated, pray."
I bowed, and sat down in one of the straight-
backed chairs. I also began, in my fright, to play
with one of the pieces of embroidery.
"Is Lady Jane's work in your way?" (Lady
Jane is named after Jane, the famous Countess,
Lady-in-Waiting to Caroline of Anspach.)
I dropped the embroidery, and put my foot on
my hat.
" I believe, Mr. Carter, that you are acquainted
with Miss Dorothea Foster ? "
" I have that pleasure," said I.
2 5
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Who is about to be married to my son, the
Earl of Mickleham ? "
" That, I believe, is so," said I. I was begin-
ning to pull myself together.
" My son, Mr. Carter, is of a simple and trust-
ing disposition. Perhaps I had better come to the
point. I am informed by this letter that, in con-
versation with the writer the other day, Archibald
mentioned, quite incidentally, some very startling
facts. Those facts concern you, Mr. Carter."
" May I ask the name of the writer ? "
" I do not think that is necessary," said she.
" She is a lady in whom I have the utmost
confidence."
That is, of course, enough," said I.
It appears, Mr. Carter — and you will excuse
me if I speak plainly " — (I set my teeth) " that you
have, in the first place, given to my son's bride
a wedding present, which I can only describe as — "
" A pearl ornament," I interposed ; " with a
ruby or two, and — "
" A pearl heart," she corrected ; " er — fractured,
and that you explained that this absurd article
represented your heart."
" Mere badinage" said I.
"In execrably bad taste," said she.
I bowed.
"In fact, most offensive. But that is not the
26
RETRIBUTION
worst. From my son's further statements it ap-
pears that on one occasion, at least, he found you and
Miss Foster engaged in what I can only call — "
I raised my hand in protest. The Countess
took no notice.
" What I can only call romping."
She shot this word at me with extraordinary
violence, and when it was out she shuddered.
" Romping ! " I cried.
" A thing not only atrociously vulgar at all
times, but under the circumstances — need I say
more ? Mr. Carter, you were engaged in chasing
my son's future bride round a table ! "
" Pardon me, Lady Mickleham. Your son's
future bride was engaged in chasing me round a
table."
" It is the same thing," said Lady Mickleham.
" I should have thought there was a distinction,"
said I.
"None at all."
I fell back on a second line of defence.
" I did n't let her catch me, Lady Mickleham,"
I pleaded.
Lady Mickleham grew quite red. This made
me feel more at my ease.
" No, sir. If you had — "
" Goodness knows ! " I murmured, shaking my
head.
27
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" As it happened, however, my son entered in
the middle of this disgraceful — "
" It was at the beginning," said I, with a
regretful sigh.
Upon this — and I have really never been so
pleased at anything in all my life — the Countess,
the violence of her emotions penetrating to her
very ringers, gripped the handle of her " starers "
with such force that she broke it in two ! She
was a woman of the world, and in a moment she
looked as if nothing had happened. With me it
was different ; and that I am not now on Lady
Mickleham's visiting-list is due to {inter alia et enor-
mia) the fact that I laughed ! It was out before
I could help it. In a second I was as grave as
a mute. The mischief was done. The Countess
rose. I imitated her example.
"You are amused?' said she, and her tones
banished the last of my mirth. I stumbled on my
hat, and it rolled to her feet.
" It is not probable," she observed, " that after
Miss Foster's marriage you will meet her often.
You will move in — er — somewhat different
circles."
" I may catch a glimpse of her in her carriage
from the top of my 'bus," said I.
" Your milieu and my son's — "
" I know his valet, though," said I.
28
RETRIBUTION
Lady Mickleham rang the bell. I stooped for
my hat. To tell the truth, I was rather afraid to
expose myself in such a defenceless attitude, but
the Countess preserved her self-control. The
butler opened the door. I bowed, and left the
Countess regarding me through the maimed
" starers." Then I found the butler smiling. He
probably knew the signs of the weather. I
would n't be Lady Mickleham's butler if you
made me a duke.
As I walked home through the Park I met
Miss Dolly and Mickleham. They stopped. I
walked on. Mickleham seized me by the coat-tails.
" Do you mean to cut us ? " he cried.
" Yes," said I.
"Why, what the deuce — ? " he began.
" I Ve seen your mother," said I. " I wish,
Mickleham, that when you do happen to intrude
as you did the other day, you would n't repeat
what you see."
" Lord ! " he cried. " She 's not heard of that ?
I only told Aunt Cynthia."
I said something about Aunt Cynthia.
"Does — does she know it all?" asked Miss
Dolly.
" More than all — much more."
" Did n't you smooth it over ? " said Miss
Dolly, reproachfully.
29
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" On reflection," said I, " I don't know that
I did — much." (I hadn't, you know.)
Suddenly Mickleham burst out laughing.
" What a game ! " he exclaimed.
"That's all very well for you," said Dolly.
" But do you happen to remember that we dine
there to-night? "
Archie grew grave.
"I hope you'll enjoy yourselves," said I. "I
always cling to the belief that the wicked are
punished." And I looked at Miss Dolly.
" Never you mind, little woman," said Archie,
drawing Miss Dolly's arm through his. "I '11 see
you through. After all, everybody knows that
old Carter 's an ass."
That piece of universal knowledge may help
matters, but I do not quite see how. I walked
on, for Miss Dolly had quite forgotten me, and
was looking up at Archie Mickleham like — well,
hang it, in the way they do, you know. So I just
walked on.
I believe Miss Dolly has got a husband who is
(let us say) good enough for her. And, for one
reason and another, I am glad of it. And I also
believe that she knows it. And I am — I suppose
— glad of that too. Oh, yes, of course I am.
Of course.
3°
IV
THE PERVERSENESS OF IT
TELL you what, Mr. Carter,"
said Miss Nellie Phaeton, touch-
ing up Rhino with her whip,
"love in a cottage is — "
" Lord forgive us, cinders,
ashes, dust," I quoted.
We were spanking round the Park behind
Ready and Rhino. Miss Phaeton's horses are
very large; her groom is very small, and her
courage is indomitable. I am no great hand at
driving myself, and I am not always quite com-
fortable. Moreover, the stricter part of my
acquaintance consider, I believe, that Miss
Phaeton's attentions to me are somewhat pro-
nounced, and that I ought not to drive with her
in the Park.
"You're right," she went on. "What a girl
wants is a good house and lots of cash, and some
ridin' and a little huntin' and — "
"A few c g's' !" I cried in shuddering entreaty.
" If you love me, a c g' or two."
"Well, I suppose so," said she. "You can't
go ridin' without gees, can you ? "
31
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Apparently one could go driving without any,
but I did not pursue the subject.
" It 's only in stories that people are in love
when they marry," observed Miss Phaeton,
reflectively.
" Yes, and then it 's generally with somebody
else," said I.
" Oh, if you count that ! " said she, hitting
Ready rather viciously. We bounded forward,
and I heard the little groom bumping on the back
seat. I am always glad not to be a groom — it 's
a cup-and-ball sort of life, which must be very
wearying.
" Were you ever in love ? ' she asked, just
avoiding a brougham which contained the Duchess
of Dexminster. (If, by the way, I have to run
into any one, I like it to be a Duchess : you get a
much handsomer paragraph.)
"Yes," said I.
" Often ? "
" Oh, not too often, and I always take great
care, you know."
"What of?"
" That it shall be quite out of the question, you
know. It 's not at all difficult. I only have to
avoid persons of moderate means."
" But are n't you a person of — ? "
" Exactly. That 's why. So I choose either a
32
ll "I
Were you ever in Love?" she a iked
THE PERVERSENESS OF IT
pauper — when it's impossible — or an heiress —
when it 's preposterous. See ? "
" But don't you ever want to get — ? ' began
Miss Phaeton.
" Let 's talk about something else," said I.
" I believe you 're humbuggin' me," said Miss
Phaeton.
" I am offering a veiled apology," said I.
" Stuff ! " said she. " You know you told
Dolly Foster that I should make an excellent wife
for a trainer."
Oh, these women ! A man had better talk to a
phonograph.
" Or anybody else," said I, politely.
Miss Phaeton whipped up her horses.
" Look out ! There 's the mounted police-
man," I cried.
No, he isn't. Are you afraid? " she retorted.
I 'm not fit to die," I pleaded.
c< I don't care a pin for your opinion, you know,"
she continued (I had never supposed that she did) ;
" but what did you mean by it? "
" I never said it."
"Oh!"
" All right — I never did."
" Then Dolly invented it ? "
Of course," said I, steadily.
On your honour? "
3 33
cc
cc
cc
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
<(
Oh, come, Miss Phaeton ! "
" Would — would other people think so ? " she
asked, with a highly surprising touch of timidity.
" Nobody would," I said. " Only a snarling
old wretch would say so, just because he thought
it smart."
There was a long pause. Then Miss Phaeton
asked me abruptly : —
"You never met him, did you ? "
"No."
A pause ensued. We passed the Duchess again,
and scratched the nose of her poodle, which was
looking out of the carriage window. Miss Phae-
ton flicked Rhino, and the groom behind went
plop-plop on the seat.
" He lives in town, you know," remarked Miss
Phaeton.
" They mostly do — and write about the coun-
try," said I.
" Why should n't they ? " she asked fiercely.
Cf My dear Miss Phaeton, by all means let
them," said 1.
" He 's awfully clever, you know," she con-
tinued ; " but he would n't always talk. Some-
times he just sat and said nothin', or read a
book."
A sudden intuition discovered Mr. Gay's
feelings to me.
3+
THE PERVERSENESS OF IT
"You were talking about the run, or something,
I suppose ? "
" Yes, or the bag, you know."
As she spoke, she pulled up Ready and Rhino.
The little groom jumped down and stood under
(not at) their heads. I leant back and surveyed
the crowd sitting and walking. Miss Phaeton
flicked a fly off Rhino's ear, put her whip in the
socket, and leant back also.
" Then I suppose you did n't care much about
him ? " I asked.
" Oh, I liked him pretty well," she answered
very carelessly.
At this moment, looking along the walk, I saw
a man coming towards us. He was a handsome
fellow, with just a touch of " softness " in his face.
He was dressed in correct fashion, save that his hair
was a trifle longer, his coat a trifle fuller, his hat a
trifle larger, his tie a trifle looser than they were worn
by most. He caught my attention, and I went on
looking at him for a little while, till a slight move-
ment of my companion's made me turn my head.
Miss Phaeton was sitting bolt upright : she
fidgeted with the reins ; she took her whip out of
the socket and put it back again ; and, to my
amazement, her cheeks were very red.
Presently the man came opposite the carriage.
Miss Phaeton bowed. He lifted his hat, smiled,
35
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
and made as if to pass on. Miss Phaeton held
out her hand. I could see a momentary gleam of
surprise in his eye, as though he thought her cor-
diality more than he might have looked for — pos-
sibly even more than he cared about. But he
stopped and shook hands.
"How are you, Mr. Gay?" she said, not
introducing me.
" Still with your inseparables ! ' he said gaily,
with a wave of his hand towards the horses. " I
hope, Miss Phaeton, that in the next world your
faithful steeds will be allowed to bear you com-
pany, or what will you do ? '
" Oh, you think I care for nothin' but horses?' 1
said she, petulantly, but she leant towards him, and
gave me her shoulder.
" Oh, no," he laughed. " Dogs also, and Ij'm
afraid one day it was ferrets, was n't it ? '
" Have — have you written any poetry lately?"
she asked.
" How conscientious of you to inquire ! " he
exclaimed, his eyes twinkling. <c Oh, yes, half
a hundred things. Have you — killed — anything
lately ? "
I could swear she flushed again. Her voice
trembled as she answered, —
" No, not lately."
I caught sight of his face behind her back, and I
36
THE PERVERSENESS OF IT
thought I saw a trace of puzzle — nothing more.
He held out his hand.
" Well, so glad to have seen you, Miss Phaeton,"
said he, " but I must run on. Good-by."
" Good-by, Mr. Gay," said she.
And, lifting his hat again, smiling again gaily,
he was gone. For a moment or two I said noth-
ing. Then I remarked, —
" So that 's your friend Gay, is it ? He 's not
a bad-looking fellow."
" Yes, that 's him," said she, and, as she spoke,
she sank back in her seat for a moment. I did
not look at her face. Then she sat up straight
again and took the whip.
" Want to stay any longer ? " she asked.
" No," said I.
The little groom sprang away, Rhino and Ready
dashed ahead.
" Shall I drop you at the club ? ' she asked.
" I 'm goin' home."
" I '11 get out here," said I.
We came to a stand again, and I got down.
" Good-by," I said.
She nodded at me, but said nothing. A second
later the carriage was tearing down the road, and
the little groom hanging on for dear life.
Of course it's all nonsense. She 's not the least
suited to him ; she 'd make him miserable, and
37
■
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
then be miserable herself. But it seems a little
perverse, does n't it ? In fact, twice at least be-
tween the courses at dinner I caught myself being
sorry for her. It is, when you think of it, so
remarkably perverse.
38
V
A MATTER OF DUTY
1ADY MICKLEHAM is back
from her honeymoon. I mean
young Lady Mickleham — Dolly
Foster (well, of course I do.
Fancy the Dowager on a honey-
moon!). She signified the fact
to me by ordering me to call on her at tea-time ;
she had, she said, something which she wished to
consult me about confidentially. I went.
I did n't know you were back," I observed.
Oh, we 've been back a fortnight, but we went
down to The Towers. They were all there, Mr.
Carter."
" All who ? "
" All Archie's people. The Dowager said we
must get really to know one another as soon as
possible. I 'm not sure I like really knowing
people. It means that they say whatever they
like to you, and don't get up out of your favourite
chair when you come in."
"I agree," said I, "that a soupcon of unfamil-
iarity is not amiss."
39
CI
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Of course it 's nice to be one of the family,"
she continued.
" The cat is that," said I. " I would not give
a fig for it."
" And the Dowager taught me the ways of the
house."
" Ah, she taught me the way out of it."
" And showed me how to be most disagreeable
to the servants."
" It is the first lesson of a housekeeper."
" And told me what Archie particularly liked,
and how bad it was for him, poor boy."
" What should we do without our mothers ? I
do not, however, see how I can help in all this,
Lady Mickleham."
" How funny that sounds ! "
" Are n't you accustomed to your dignity yet? "
" I meant from you, Mr. Carter."
I smiled. That is Dolly's way. As Miss
Phaeton says, she means no harm, and it is ad-
mirably conducive to the pleasure of a tete-a-tete.
" It was n't that I wanted to ask you about,"
she continued, after she had indulged in a pensive
sigh (with a dutifully bright smile and a glance at
Archie's photograph to follow. Her behaviour
always reminds me of a varied and well-assorted
menu). "It was about something much more
difficult. You won't tell Archie, will you ? "
40
rV j'jl
" Are nt you accustomed to your dignity yet?"
A MATTER OF DUTY
"This becomes interesting," I remarked, put-
ting my hat down.
" You know, Mr. Carter, that before I was
married — oh, how long ago it seems ! "
" Not at all."
" Don't interrupt. That before I was married
I had several — that is to say, several — well,
several — "
" Start quite afresh," I suggested encouragingly.
" Well, then, several men were silly enough to
think themselves — you know."
" No one better," I assented cheerfully.
" Oh, if you won't be sensible ! — Well, you
see, many of them are Archie's friends as well as
mine ; and, of course, they 've been to call."
" It is but good manners," said I.
" One of them waited to be sent for, though."
" Leave that fellow out," said I.
" What I want to ask you is this — and I be-
lieve you 're not silly, really, you know, except
when you choose to be."
" Walk in the Row any afternoon," said I, " and
you won't find ten wiser men."
" It 's this. Ought I to tell Archie ? "
" Good gracious ! Here 's a problem ! "
" Of course," pursued Lady Mickleham, open-
ing her fan, " it 's in some ways more comfortable
that he should n't know."
4'
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" For him ? "
" Yes — and for me. But then it does n't seem
quite fair."
" To him ? "
" Yes — and to me. Because if he came to
know from anybody else, he might exaggerate the
things, you know."
"Impossible ! "
" Mr. Carter ! "
"I — er — mean he knows you too well to do
such a thing."
" Oh, I see. Thank you. Yes. What do
you think ? "
" What does the Dowager say ? "
" I have n't mentioned it to the Dowager."
" But surely, on such a point, her experience — "
" She can't have any," said Lady Mickleham,
decisively. " 1 believe in her husband, because I
must. But nobody else ! You 're not giving me
your opinion."
I reflected for a moment.
" Have n't we left out one point of view ? " I
ventured to suggest.
" I 've thought it all over very carefully," said
she ; " both as it would affect me and as it would
affect Archie."
" Quite so. Now suppose you think how it
would affect them ! "
42
A MATTER OF DUTY
"Who?"
"Why, the men."
Lady Mickleham put down her cup of tea.
" What a very curious idea ! " she exclaimed.
" Give it time to sink in," said I, helping my-
self to another piece of toast.
She sat silent for a few moments — presumably
to allow of the permeation I suggested. I finished
my tea and leant back comfortably. Then I
said, : —
" Let me take my own case. Should n't I feel
rather awkward — ? "
" Oh, it 's no good taking your case," she
interrupted.
" Why not mine as well as another ? "
" Because I told him about you long ago."
I was not surprised. But I could not permit
Lady Mickleham to laugh at me in the uncon-
scionable manner in which she proceeded to laugh.
I spread out my hands and observed blandly, —
" Why not be guided — as to the others, I
mean — by your husband's example ? '
" Archie's example ? What 's that ? '
"I don't know; but you do, I suppose."
" What do you mean, Mr. Carter ? " she asked,
sitting upright.
" Well, has he ever told you about Maggie
Adeane ? "
43
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I never heard of her."
" Or Lilly Courtenay ? "
" That girl ! "
"Or Alice Lay ton?"
<c The red-haired Layton ? "
" Or Florence CunlifFe ? "
" Who was she ? "
"Or Millie Trehearne?"
" She squints, Mr. Carter."
"Or — "
" Stop, stop ! What do you mean ? What
should he tell me?"
" Oh, I see he has n't. Nor, I suppose, about
Sylvia Fenton, or that little Delancy girl, or hand-
some Miss — what was her name ? "
Hold your tongue — and tell me what you
a
mean."
" Lady Mickleham," said I, gravely, " if your
husband has not thought fit to mention these
ladies — and others whom I could name — to you,
how could I presume — ? "
" Do you mean to tell me that Archie — ? "
" He 'd only known you three years, you see."
" Then it was before — ? "
" Some of them were before," said I.
Lady Mickleham drew a long breath.
" Archie will be in soon," said she.
I took my hat.
44
A MATTER OF DUTY
" It seems to me," I observed, " that what is
sauce — that, I should say, husband and wife
ought to stand on an equal footing in these
matters. Since he has — no doubt for good
reasons — not mentioned to you — "
" Alice Layton was a positive fright."
"She came last," said I. "Just before you,
you know. However, as I was saying — "
" And that horrible Svlvia Fenton — "
" Oh, he could n't have known you long then.
As I was saying, I should, if I were you, treat him
as he has treated you. In my case it seems to be
too late."
" I 'm sorry I told him that."
" Oh, pray don't mind, it 's of no consequence.
As to the others — "
" I should never have thought it of Archie ! "
" One never knows," said I, with an apologetic
smile. " I don't suppose he thinks it of you."
" I won't tell him a single word. He may find
out if he likes. Who was the last girl you
mentioned ? "
" Is it any use trying to remember all their
names ? " I asked in a soothing tone. "No doubt
he 's forgotten them by now — just as you 've
forgotten the others."
" And the Dowager told me that he had never
had an attachment before."
45
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Oh, if the Dowager said that ! Of course,
the Dowager would know ! "
" Don't be so silly, for goodness' sake ! Are
you going ? "
"Certainly I am. It might annoy Archie to
find me here when he wants to talk to you."
" Well, I want to talk to him."
" Of course you won't repeat what I 've — "
" I shall find out for myself," she said.
" Good-by. I hope I 've removed all your
troubles ? "
" Oh, yes, thank you. I know what to do
now, Mr. Carter."
" Always send for me if you 're in any trouble.
I have some exp — "
" Good-by, Mr. Carter."
" Good-by, Lady Mickleham. And remember
that Archie, like you — "
" Yes, yes; I know. Must you go ? "
" I 'm afraid I must. I 've enjoyed our talk
so —
" There 's Archie's step."
I left the room. On the stairs I met Archie.
I shook hands sympathetically. I was sorry for
Archie. But in great causes the individual cannot
be considered. I had done my duty to my sex.
46
VI
MY LAST CHANCE
'OW mind," said Mrs. Hilary
Musgrave, impressively, " this is
the last time I shall take any
trouble about you. She's a very
nice girl, quite pretty, and she '11
have a lot of money. You can
be very pleasant when you like — "
"This unsolicited testimonial — "
" Which is n't often — and if you don't do it
this time I wash my hands of you. Why, how
old are you ?"
" Hush, Mrs. Hilary."
" You must be nearly — "
" It 's false — false — false ! "
" Come along," said Mrs. Hilary, and she
added, over her shoulder, " she has a slight north-
country accent."
" It might have been Scotch," said I.
" She plays the piano a good deal."
It might have been the fiddle," said I.
She 's very fond of Browning."
" It might have been Ibsen," said I.
47
cc
cc
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Mrs. Hilary, seeing that I was determined to
look on the bright side, smiled graciously on me
and introduced me to the young lady. She was
decidedly good-looking, fresh and sincere of aspect,
with large inquiring eyes — eyes which I felt would
demand a little too much of me at breakfast — but
then a large tea-urn puts that all right.
" Miss Sophia Milton — Mr. Carter," said Mrs.
Hilary, and left us.
Well, we tried the theatres first ; but as she
had only been to the Lyceum and I had only been
to the Gaiety, we soon got to the end of that.
Then we tried Art: she asked me what I thought
of Degas : I evaded the question by criticising a
drawing of a horse in last week's " Punch " — which
she had n't seen. Upon this she started literature.
She said " Some Qualms and a Shiver " was the
book of the season. I put my money on " The
Queen of the Quorn." Dead stop again ! And
I saw Mrs. Hilary's eye upon me : there was
wrath in her face. Something must be done.
A brilliant idea seized me. I had read that
four-fifths of the culture of England were Con-
servative. I also was a Conservative. It was
four to one on ! I started politics. I could
have whooped for joy when I elicited some-
thing particularly incisive about the ignorance
of the masses.
48
MY LAST CHANCE
" I do hope you agree with me," said Miss
Milton. " The more one reads and thinks, the
more one sees how fatally false a theory it is that
the ignorant masses — people such as I have de-
scribed — can ever rule a great Empire."
" The Empire wants gentlemen ; that 's what
it wants," said I, nodding my head, and glancing
triumphantly at Mrs. Hilary.
" Men and women," said she, " who are ac-
quainted with the best that has been said and
thought on all important subjects."
At the time I believed this observation to be
original, but I have since been told that it was
borrowed. I was delighted with it.
" Yes," said I, " and have got a stake in the
country, you know, and know how to behave
'emselves in the House, don't you know ? '
" What we have to do," pursued Miss Milton,
" is to guide the voters. These poor rustics need
to be informed — "
"Just so," I broke in. "They have to be
told—"
" Of the real nature of the questions — "
" And which candidate to support."
" Or they must infallibly — " she exclaimed.
" Get their marching orders," I cried, in rapture.
It was exactly what I always did on my small
property.
4 49
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Oh, I did n't quite mean that," she said re-
proachfully.
" Oh, well, neither did I — quite," I responded
adroitly. What was wrong with the girl now ?
" But with the help of the League — " she went
on.
" Do you belong ? " I cried, more delighted
than ever.
" Oh, yes ! " said she. " I think it 's a duty.
I worked very hard at the last election. I spent
days distributing packages of — "
Then I made, I 'm sorry to say, a false step.
I observed, interrupting, —
" But it 's ticklish work now, eh ? Six months'
f hard ' would n't be pleasant, would it ? '
"What do you mean, Mr. — er — Carter?'
she asked.
I was still blind. I believe I winked, and I 'm
sure I whispered, " Tea."
Miss Milton drew herself up very straight.
" I do not bribe" she said. " What I distribute
is pamphlets."
Now, I suppose that " pamphlets " and " blank-
ets " don't really sound much alike, but I was
agitated.
" Quite right," said I. " Poor old things !
They can't afford proper fuel."
She rose to her feet.
5°
MY LAST CHANCE
" I was not joking," she said with horrible
severity.
" Neither was I," I declared in humble apology.
" Did n't you say c blankets ' ? "
" Pamphlets."
"Oh!"
There was a long pause. I glanced at Mrs.
Hilary. Things had not fallen out as happily
as they might, but I did not mean to give up yet.
" I see you 're right," I said, still humbly.
" To descend to such means as I had in my
mind is — "
" To throw away our true weapons," said she,
earnestly. (She sat down again — good sign.)
" What we really need — "I began.
" Is a reform of the upper classes," said she.
" Let them give an example of duty, of self-denial,
of frugality."
I was not to be caught out again.
" Just what I always say," I observed im-
pressively.
4C Let them put away their horse-racing, their
betting, their luxurious living, their — "
" You 're right, Miss Milton," said I.
" Let them set an example of morality."
" They should," I assented.
Miss Milton smiled.
" I thought we agreed really," said she.
5i
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I 'm sure we do," cried I ; and I winked with
my " off" eye at Mrs. Hilary as I sat down be-
side Miss Milton.
" Now I heard of a man the other day," said
she, " who 's nearly forty. He 's got an estate in
the country. He never goes there, except for a
few days' shooting. He lives in town. He spends
too much. He passes an absolutely vacant ex-
istence in a round of empty gaiety. He has by
no means a good reputation. He dangles about,
wasting his time and his money. Is that the sort
of example — ? "
" He's a traitor to his class," said I, warmly.
" If you want him, you must look on a race-
course, or at a tailor's, or in some fashionable
woman's boudoir. And his estate looks after
itself. He 's too selfish to marry, too idle to
work, too silly to think."
I began to be sorry for this man, in spite of his
peccadilloes.
" I wonder if I 've met him," said I. " I 'm
occasionally in town, when I can get time to run
up. What 's his name ? "
"I don't think I heard — or I've forgotten.
But he 's got the place next to a friend of mine in
the country, and she told me all about him. She 's
exactly the opposite sort of person — or she
wouldn't be my friend."
52
MY LAST CHANCE
" I should think not, Miss Milton," said I,
admiringly.
" Oh, I should like to meet that man, and tell
him what I think of him ! " said she. " Such men
as he is do more harm than a dozen agitators. So
contemptible, too ! "
" It's revolting to think of," said I.
" I 'm so glad you — " began Miss Milton quite
confidentially; I pulled my chair a trifle closer, and
cast an apparently careless glance towards Mrs.
Hilary. Suddenly I heard a voice behind me.
" Eh, what ? Upon my honour it is ! Why,
Carter, my boy, how are you ? Eh, what? Miss
Milton, too, I declare ! Well, now, what a pity
Annie did n't come ! "
I disagreed. I hate Annie. But I was very glad
to see my friend and neighbour, Robert Dinnerly.
He's a sensible man — his wife's a little prig.
" Oh, Mr. Dinnerly," cried Miss Milton, " how
funny that you should come just now ! I was
just trying to remember the name of a man Mrs.
Dinnerly told me about. I was telling Mr. Carter
about him. You know him."
" Well, Miss Milton, perhaps I do. Describe
him."
" I don't believe Annie ever told me his name,
but she was talking about him at our house
yesterday."
53
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" But I was n't there, Miss Milton."
" No," said Miss Milton, " but he 's got the
next place to yours in the country."
I positively leapt from my seat.
" Why, good gracious, Carter himself, you
mean ! " cried Dinnerly, laughing. " Well, that
is a good *un — ha-ha-ha ! "
She turned a stony glare on me.
" Do you live next to Mr. Dinnerly in the
country ? " she asked.
I would have denied it if Dinnerly had not
been there. As it was I blew my nose.
"I wonder," said Miss Milton, "what has
become of Aunt Emily."
" Miss Milton," said I, " by a happy chance
you have enjoyed a luxury. You have told the
man what you think of him."
" Yes," said she ; " and I have only to add that
he is also a hypocrite."
Pleasant, was n't it ? Yet Mrs. Hilary says it
was my fault ! That 's a woman all over !
54
VII
THE LITTLE WRETCH
EEING that little Johnny Tomp-
kins was safely out of the country,
under injunctions to make a new
man of himself, and to keep that
new man, when made, at the
Antipodes, I could not see any-
thing indiscreet in touching on the matter in the
course of conversation with Mrs. Hilary Mus-
grave. In point of fact, I was curious to find out
what she knew, and, supposing she knew, what
she thought. So I mentioned little Johnny
Tompkins.
"Oh, the little wretch!" cried Mrs. Hilary.
" You know he came here two or three times ?
Anybody can impose on Hilary."
" Happy woman ! I — I mean unhappy man,
Mrs. Hilary."
" And how much was it he stole ? "
"Hard on a thousand," said I. " For a time,
you know, he was quite a man of fashion."
"Oh, I know. He came here in his own han-
som, perfectly dressed, and — "
55
THE r JLLY DIALOGUES
" Behaved all right, did n't he ? "
"Yes. Of course there was a something."
"Or you wouldn't have been deceived!" said
I, with a smile.
" I was n't deceived," said Mrs. Hilary, an
admirable flush appearing on her cheeks.
"That is to say, Hilary would n't."
" Oh, Hilary ! Why did n't his employers
prosecute him, Mr. Carter ? "
"In the first place, he had that inestimable
advantage in a career of dishonesty, — respectable
relations."
"Well, but still — "
"His widowed mother was a trump, you know."
"Do you mean a good woman?"
" Doubtless she was ; but I meant a good card.
However, there was another reason."
"I can't see any," declared Mrs. Hilary.
"I 'm going to surprise you," said I. " Hilary
interceded for him."
"Hilary?"
"You didn't know it? I thought not. Well,
he did."
"Why, he always pretended to want him to be
convicted."
"Cunning Hilary!" said I.
"He used to speak most strongly against him."
"That was his guile," said I.
56
THE LITTLE W ETCH !
"Oh, but why in the world — ?' she began;
then she paused, and went on again: "It was
nothing to do with Hilary."
" Hilary went with me to see him, you know,
while they had him under lock and key at the
firm's offices."
"Did he? I never heard that."
"And he was much impressed with his bearing."
" Well, I suppose, Mr. Carter, that if he was
really penitent — "
" Never saw a man less penitent," I interrupted.
"He gloried in his crime; if I remember his exact
expression, it was that the jam was jolly well worth
the powder, and if they liked to send him to cho-
kee, they could and be — and suffer accordingly,
you know."
"And after that, Hilary — !"
"Oh, anybody can impose on Hilary, you
know. Hilary only asked what 'the jam' was."
"It's a horrid expression, but I suppose it
meant acting the part of a gentleman, did n't it?"
" Not entirely. According to what he told
Hilary, Johnny was in love."
"Oh, and he stole for some wretched — ?"
"Now, do be careful. What do you know
about the lady?"
"The lady! I can imagine Johnny Tompkins'
ideal!"
5 7
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"So can I, if you come to that."
"And she must have known his money was n't
his own."
"Why must she?" I asked. "According to
what he told Hilary, she did n't."
"I don't believe it," said Mrs. Hilary, with
decision.
"Hilary believed it!"
"Oh, Hilary!"
"But then, Hilary knew the girl."
"Hilary knew — ! You mean to say Hilary
knew — ?"
" No one better," said I, composedly.
Mrs. Hilary rose to her feet.
"Who was the creature?" she asked sharply.
"Come," I expostulated, "how would you like
it, if your young man had taken to theft, and — "
" Oh, nonsense. Tell me her name, please,
Mr. Carter."
"Johnny told Hilary that just to see her and
talk to her and sit by her was 'worth all the
money ' — but, then, to be sure, it was somebody
else's money — and that he'd do it again to get
what he had got over again. Then, I 'm sorry to
say, he swore."
" And Hilary believed that stuff? "
" Hilary agreed with him," said I. " Hilary,
you see, knows the lady."
58
THE LITTLE WRETCH!
"What's her name, Mr. Carter? "
" Did n't you notice his attentions to any one?"
" I notice ! You don't mean that I 've seen her? "
" Certainly you have."
"Was she ever here?"
"Yes, Mrs. Hilary. Hilary takes care of that."
" I shall be angry in a minute, Mr. Carter. Oh,
I '11 have this out of Hilary ! "
"I should."
"Who was she? "
"According to what he told Hilary, she was the
most fascinating woman in the world. Hilary
thought so, too."
Mrs. Hilary began to walk up and down.
"Oh, so Hilary helped to let him go, because
they both — ?"
"Precisely," said I.
"And you dare to come and tell me?"
"Well, I thought you ought to know," said I.
"Hilary's just as mad about her as Johnny — in
fact, he said he 'd be hanged if he would n't have
done the same himself."
I have once seen Madame Ristori play Lady
Macbeth. Her performance was recalled to me
by the tones in which Mrs. Hilary asked :
" Who is this woman, if you please, Mr. Carter?"
"So Hilary got him off — gave him fifty
pounds too."
59
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
«
Glad to get him away, perhaps," she burst out,
in angry scorn.
" Who knows ? " said I. " Perhaps."
"Her name?' demanded Lady Macbeth — I
mean Mrs. Hilary — again.
" I shan't tell you, unless you promise to say
nothing to Hilary."
" To say nothing ! Well, really — "
" Oh, all right ! " and I took up my hat.
"But I can watch them, can't I ? "
" As much as you like."
" Won't you tell me ? "
" If you promise."
" Well, then, I promise."
" Look in the glass."
"What for?"
" To see your face, to be sure."
She started, blushed red, and moved a step
towards me.
" You don't mean — ? " she cried.
" Thou art the woman," said I.
" Oh, but he never said a word — "
" Johnny had his code," said I. "And in some
ways it was better than some people's, — in some,
alas ! worse."
"And Hilary?"
" Really you know better than I do whether
I 've told the truth about Hilary."
60
THE LITTLE WRETCH!
A pause ensued. Then Mrs. Hilary made three
short remarks, which I give in their order : —
(i) "The little wretch !"
(2) " Dear old Hilary ! "
(3) " Poor little man ! "
I took my hat. I knew that Hilary was due
from the City in a few minutes. Mrs. Hilary sat
down by the fire.
" How dare you torment me so ? ' she asked,
but not in the least like Lady Macbeth.
" I must have my little amusements," said I.
" What an audacious little creature ! " said
Mrs. Hilary. " Fancy his daring ! — Are n't you
astounded ? "
" Oh, yes, I am. But Hilary, you see — "
" It 's nearly his time," said Mrs. Hilary.
I buttoned my left glove and held out my right
hand.
" I 've a good mind not to shake hands with
you," said she. " Was n't it absurd of Hilary ? ' :
" Horribly."
" He ought to have been all the more angry."
" Of course he ought."
" The presumption of it ! " And Mrs. Hilary
smiled. I also smiled.
" That poor old mother of his," reflected Mrs.
Hilary. " Where did you say she lived ? '
" Hilary knows the address," said I.
61
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Silly little wretch ! " mused Mrs. Hilary, still
smiling.
" Good-by," said I.
" Good-by," said Mrs. Hilary.
I turned towards the door and had laid my hand
on the knob, when Mrs. Hilary called softly, —
" Mr. Carter."
" Yes," said I, turning.
" Do you know where the little wretch has
gone r
" Oh, yes," said I.
"I — I suppose you don't ever write to him ? "
" Dear me, no," said I.
" But you — could?" suggested Mrs. Hilary.
" Of course," said I.
She jumped up and ran towards me. Her purse
was in one hand, and a bit of paper fluttered in the
other.
" Send him that — don't tell him," she whispered,
and her voice had a little catch in it. " Poor little
wretch ! " said she.
As for me, I smiled cynically — quite cynically,
you know : for it was very absurd.
" Please go," said Mrs. Hilary.
And I went.
Supposing it had been another woman ! Well,
I wonder !
62
VIII
AN EXPENSIVE PRIVILEGE
RATHER uncomfortable thing
happened the other day which
threatened a schism in my ac-
quaintance and put me in a de-
cidedly awkward position. It was
no other than this : Mrs. Hilary
Musgrave had definitely informed me that she did
not approve of Lady Mickleham. The attitude
is, no doubt, a conceivable one, but I was sur-
prised that a woman of Mrs. Hilary's large sym-
pathies should adopt it. Besides, Mrs. Hilary is
quite good-looking herself.
The history of the affair is much as follows : I
called on Mrs. Hilary to see whether I could do
anything, and she told me all about it. It appears
that Mrs. Hilary had a bad cold and a cousin up
from the country about the same time (she was
justly aggrieved at the double event), and, being
unable to go to the Duchess of Dexminster's
" squash," she asked Dolly Mickleham to chap-
eron little Miss Phyllis. Little Miss Phyllis, of
63
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
course, knew no one there, — the Duchess least of
all (but then very few of us — yes, I was there
— knew the Duchess, and the Duchess did n't
know any of us ; I saw her shake hands with a
waiter myself, just to be on the safe side), — and an
hour after the party began, she was discovered
wandering about in a most desolate condition.
Dolly had told her that she would be in a certain
place; and when Miss Phyllis came Dolly was
not there. The poor little lady wandered about for
another hour, looking so lost that one was inclined
to send for a policeman ; and then she sat down
on a seat by the wall, and in desperation asked
her next-door neighbour if he knew Lady Mickle-
ham by sight, and had he seen her lately. The
next-door neighbour, by way of reply, called out
to a quiet elderly gentleman who was sidling un-
obtrusively about, " Duke, are there any particu-
larly snug corners in your house ? " The Duke
stopped, searched his memory, and said that at the
end of the Red Corridor there was a passage ; and
that a few yards down the passage, if you turned
very suddenly to the right, you would come on a
little nook under the stairs. The little nook just
held a settee, and the settee (the Duke thought)
might just hold two people. The next-door neigh-
bour thanked the Duke, and observed to Miss
Phyllis,—
64
AN EXPENSIVE PRIVILEGE
" It will give me great pleasure to take you to
Lady Mickleham." So they went, it being then,
according to Miss Phyllis's sworn statement, pre-
cisely two hours and five minutes since Dolly had
disappeared ; and, pursuing the route indicated by
the Duke, they found Lady Mickleham. And
Lady Mickleham exclaimed, " Good gracious, my
dear, I 'd quite forgotten you ! Have you had
an ice ? Do take her to have an ice, Sir John."
(Sir John Berry was the next-door neighbour.)
And with that Lady Mickleham is said to have
resumed her conversation.
" Did you ever hear anything more atrocious ? '
concluded Mrs. Hilary. " I really cannot think
what Lord Mickleham is doing."
" You surely mean, what Lady Mickleham — ? '
" No, I don't," said Mrs. Hilary, with extra-
ordinary decision. " Anything might have hap-
pened to that poor child."
" Oh, there were not many of the aristocracy
present," said I, soothingly.
" But it 's not that so much, as the thing itself.
She 's the most disgraceful flirt in London."
" How do you know she was flirting ? ' I in-
quired with a smile.
" How do I know? " echoed Mrs. Hilary.
" It is a very hasty conclusion," I persisted.
" Sometimes I stay talking with you for an
5 65
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
hour or more. Are you, therefore, flirting with
me:
" With you I " exclaimed Mrs. Hilary, with a
little laugh.
" Absurd as the supposition is," I remarked,
" it yet serves to point the argument. Lady
Mickleham might have been talking with a friend
just in the quiet, rational way in which we are
talking now."
" I don't think that 's likely," said Mrs. Hilary ;
and — well, I do not like to say that she sniffed —
it would convey too strong an idea, but she did
make an odd little sound something like a much
etherealised sniff.
I smiled again, and more broadly. I was en-
joying beforehand the little victory which I was
to enjoy over Mrs. Hilary.
"Yet it happens to be true," said I.
Mrs. Hilary was magnificently contemptuous.
" Lord Mickleham told you so, I suppose ? "
she asked. " And I suppose Lady Mickleham
told him — poor man ! "
" Why do you call him l poor man ' ? "
" Oh, never mind. Did he tell you ? "
" Certainly not. The fact is, Mrs. Hilary —
and really, you must excuse me for having kept
you in the dark a little — it amused me so much
to hear your suspicions."
66
.WJWl- ki
ayr
" Why, I was the man with Lady Mickleham '
AN EXPENSIVE PRIVILEGE
Mrs. Hilary rose to her feet.
" Well, what are you going to say ? " she asked.
I laughed, as I answered, —
" Why, I was the man with Lady Mickleham
when your friend and Berry inter — when they
arrived, you know."
Well, I should have thought — I should still
think — that she would have been pleased — re-
lieved, you know — to find her uncharitable opinion
erroneous, and pleased to have it altered on the
best authority. I 'm sure that is how I should
have felt. It was not, however, how Mrs. Hilary
felt.
" I am deeply pained," she observed after a long
pause ; and then she held out her hand.
" I was sure you 'd forgive my little deception,"
said I, grasping it. I thought still that she meant
to bury all unkindness.
" I should never have thought it of you," she
went on.
" I did n't know your friend was there at all,"
I pleaded ; for by now I was alarmed.
" Oh, please don't shuffle like that," said Mrs.
Hilary.
She continued to stand, and I rose to my feet.
Mrs. Hilary held out her hand again.
" Do you mean that I 'm to go ? " said I.
" I hope we shall see you again some day," said
67
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Mrs. Hilary ; the tone suggested that she was
looking forward to some future existence, when
my earthly sins should have been sufficiently
purged. It reminded me for the moment of King
Arthur and Queen Guinevere.
" But I protest," I began, " that my only object
in telling you was to show you how absurd — "
" Is it any good talking about it now ? " asked
Mrs. Hilary. A discussion might possibly be
fruitful in the dim futurity before mentioned —
but not now — that was what she seemed to say.
" Lady Mickleham and I, on the occasion in
question — "I began, with dignity.
" Pray spare me," quoth Mrs. Hilary, with
much greater dignity.
I took my hat.
" Shall you be at home as usual on Thursday ? "
I asked.
" I have a great many people coming already,"
she remarked.
" I can take a hint," said I.
" I wish you 'd take warning," said Mrs. Hilary.
" I will take my leave," said I ; and I did,
leaving Mrs. Hilary in a tragic attitude in the
middle of the room. Never again shall I go out
of my way to lull Mrs. Hilary's suspicions.
A day or two after this very trying interview,
Lady Mickleham's victoria happened to stop
68
AN EXPENSIVE PRIVILEGE
opposite where I was seated in the park. I went
to pay my respects.
" Do you mean to leave me nothing in the
world," I asked, just by way of introducing the
subject of Mrs. Hilary. " One of my best friends
has turned me out of her house on your account."
" Oh, do tell me," said Dolly, dimpling all
over her face.
So I told her ; I made the story as long as I
could for reasons connected with the dimples.
" What fun ! " exclaimed Dolly. " I told you
at the time that a young unmarried person like
you ought to be more careful."
" I am just debating," I observed, " whether
to sacrifice you."
"To sacrifice me, Mr. Carter?"
"Of course," I explained; "if I dropped you,
Mrs. Hilary would let me come again."
"How charming that would be!" cried Dolly.
" You would enjoy her nice serious conversation
— all about Hilary!"
"She is apt," I conceded, "to touch on Hilary.
But she is very picturesque."
"Oh, yes, she's handsome," said Dolly.
There was a pause. Then Dolly said, "Well ? "
"Well?" said I in return.
"Is it good-by?" asked Dolly, drawing down
the corners of her mouth.
69
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"It comes to this," I remarked. "Supposing I
forgive you — "
"As if it was my fault!"
"And risk Mrs. Hilary's wrath — did you
speak? "
"No; I laughed, Mr. Carter."
"What shall I get out of it?"
The sun was shining brightly : it shone on Dolly ;
she had raised her parasol, but she blinked a little
beneath it. She was smiling slightly still, and one
dimple stuck to its post — like a sentinel, ready to
rouse the rest from their brief repose. Dolly lay back
in the victoria, nestling luxuriously against the soft
cushions. She turned her eyes for a moment on me.
"Why are you looking at me?" she asked.
" Because," said I, " there is nothing better to
look at."
"Do you like doing it?" asked Dolly.
"It is a privilege," said I, politely.
"Well, then!" said Dolly.
"But," I ventured to observe, "it's rather an
expensive one."
"Then you mustn't have it very often."
"And it is shared by so many people."
"Then," said Dolly, smiling indulgently, "you
must have it — a little oftener. Home, Roberts,
please."
I am not yet allowed at Mrs. Hilary Musgrave's.
IX
A VERY DULL AFFAIR
O hear you talk," remarked
Mrs. Hilary Musgrave — and,
if any one is surprised to find
me at her house, I can only
say that Hilary, when he asked
me to take pot-luck, was quite
ignorant of any ground of difference between his
wife and myself, and that Mrs. Hilary could not
very well eject me on my arrival in evening dress
at ten minutes to eight — "to hear you talk one
would think that there was no such thing as real
ove.
She paused. I smiled.
" Now," she continued, turning a fine, but
scornful eye upon me, " I have never cared for
any man in the world except my husband."
I smiled again. Poor Hilary looked very
uncomfortable. With an apologetic air he began
to stammer something about Parish Councils. I
was not to be diverted by any such manoeuvre.
It was impossible that he could really wish to talk
on that subject.
7 1
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Would a person who had never eaten anything
but beef make a boast of it?" I asked.
Hilary grinned covertly. Mrs. Hilary pulled
the lamp nearer, and took up her embroidery.
"Do you always work the same pattern?"
said I.
Hilary kicked me gently. Mrs. Hilary made no
direct reply, but presently she began to talk.
" I was just about Phyllis's age " — (by the way,
little Miss Phyllis was there) — " when I first saw
Hilary. You remember, Hilary? At Bourne-
mouth ? "
"Oh — er — was it Bournemouth?" said Hil-
ary, with much carelessness.
"I was on the pier," pursued Mrs. Hilary. "I
had a red frock on, I remember, and one of those
big hats they wore that year. Hilary wore — "
"Blue serge," I interpolated, encouragingly.
"Yes, blue serge," said she, fondly. " He had
been yachting, and he was beautifully burnt. I
was horribly burnt — wasn't I, Hilary?"
Hilary began to pat the dog.
" Then we got to know one another."
" Stop a minute," said I. " How did that
happen ? "
Mrs. Hilary blushed.
" Well, we were both always on the pier," she
explained. " And — and somehow Hilary got to
72
A VERY DULL AFFAIR
know father, and — and father introduced him to
me.
" I 'm glad it was no worse," said I. I was
considering Miss Phyllis, who sat listening, open-
eyed.
" And then, you know, father was n't always
there; and once or twice we met on the cliff. Do
you remember that morning, Hilary ? '
"What morning?" asked Hilary, patting the
dog with immense assiduity.
" Why, the morning I had my white serge on.
I 'd been bathing, and my hair was down to dry,
and you said I looked like a mermaid."
" Do mermaids wear white serge ? " I asked ;
but nobody took the least notice of me — quite
properly.
"And you told me such a lot about yourself;
and then we found we were late for lunch."
"Yes," said Hilary, suddenly forgetting the dog,
" and your mother gave me an awful glance."
"Yes, and then you told me that you were very
poor, but that you could n't help it ; and you said
you supposed I could n't possibly — "
"Well, I did n't think— !"
" And I said you were a silly old thing ; and
then — " Mrs. Hilary stopped abruptly.
"How lovely!" remarked little Miss Phyllis, in
a wistful voice.
73
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"And do you remember," pursued Mrs. Hilary,
laying down her embroidery and clasping her
hands on her knees, " the morning you went to
see father ? "
" What a row there was ! " said Hilary.
" And what an awful week it was after that ! I
was never so miserable in all my life. I cried till
my eyes were quite red, and then I bathed them
for an hour, and then I went to the pier, and you
were there — and I might n't speak to you ! '
" I remember," said Hilary, nodding gently.
" And then, Hilary, father sent for me and told
me it was no use; and I said I 'd never marry any-
one else. And father said, £ There, there, don't
cry. We '11 see what mother says.' "
" Your mother was a brick," said Hilary, pok-
ing the fire.
"And that night — they never told me anything
about it, and I did n't even change my frock, but
came down, looking horrible, just as I was, in an
old black rag — Now, Hilary, don't say it was
pretty ! "
Hilary, unconvinced, shook his head.
" And when I walked into the drawing-room
there was nobody there but just you ; and we nei-
ther of us said anything for ever so long. And
then father and mother came in and — do you
remember after dinner, Hilary ? "
74
A VERY DULL AFFAIR
" I remember," said Hilary.
There was a long pause. Mrs. Hilary was
looking into the fire ; little Miss Phyllis's eyes
were fixed, in rapt gaze, on the ceiling; Hilary
was looking at his wife ; I, thinking it safest, was
regarding my own boots.
At last Miss Phyllis broke the silence.
" How perfectly lovely ! " she said.
" Yes," said Mrs. Hilary. " And we were
married three months afterwards."
"Tenth of June," said Hilary, reflectively.
"And we had the most charming little rooms in
the world ! Do you remember those first rooms,
dear? So tiny ! "
" Not bad little rooms," said Hilary.
"How awfully lovely!" cried little Miss Phyllis.
I felt that it was time to interfere.
" And is that all?" I asked.
"All? How do you mean?" said Mrs. Hilary,
with a slight start.
" Well, I mean, did nothing else happen ?
Were n't there any complications ? Were n't
there any more troubles, or any more opposition,
or any misunderstandings, or anything?"
" No," said Mrs. Hilary.
" You never quarrelled, or broke it off? "
"No."
" Nobody came between you ? "
75
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" No. It all went just perfectly. Why, of
course it did."
" Hilary's people made themselves nasty, per-
haps ? " I suggested, with a ray of hope.
" They fell in love with her on the spot," said
Hilary.
Then I rose and stood with my back to the fire.
"I do not know," I observed, "what Miss
Phyllis thinks about it — "
" I think it was just perfect, Mr. Carter."
" But for my part, I can only say that I never
heard of such a dull affair in all my life."
"Dull!" gasped Miss Phyllis.
"Dull!" murmured Mrs. Hilary.
"Dull!" chuckled Hilary.
" It was," said I, severely, " without a spark of
interest from beginning to end. Such things hap-
pen by thousands. It 's commonplaceness itself.
I had some hopes when your father assumed a
firm attitude, but — "
" Mother was such a dear," interrupted Mrs.
Hilary.
<l Just so. She gave away the whole situation.
Then I did trust that Hilary would lose his place,
or develop an old flame, or do something just a
little interesting."
" It was a perfect time," said Mrs. Hilary.
" I wonder why in the world you told me about
it," I pursued. 76
A VERY DULL AFFAIR
" I don't know why I did," said Mrs. Hilary,
dreamily.
" The only possible excuse for an engagement
like that," I observed, " is to be found in intense
post-nuptial unhappiness."
Hilary rose, and advanced towards his wife.
" Your embroidery 's falling on the floor," said
he.
" Not a bit of it," said I.
" Yes, it is," he persisted ; and he picked it up
and gave it to her. Miss Phyllis smiled delight-
edly. Hilary had squeezed his wife's hand.
" Then we don't excuse it," said he.
I took out my watch. I was not finding much
entertainment.
"Surely it's quite early, old man?" said
Hilary.
"It's nearly eleven. We've spent half-an-hour
on the thing," said I, peevishly, holding out my
hand to my hostess.
"Oh, are you going? Good-night, Mr.
Carter."
I turned to Miss Phyllis.
"I hope you won't think all love affairs are
like that," I said ; but I saw her lips begin to
shape into " lovely," and I hastily left the
room.
Hilary came to help me on with my coat.
77
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
He looked extremely apologetic, and very much
ashamed of himself.
" Awfully sorry, old chap," said he, " that we
bored you with our reminiscences. I know, of
course, that they can't be very interesting to
other people. Women are so confoundedly
romantic."
" Don't try that on with me," said I, much dis-
gusted. " You were just as bad yourself."
He laughed, as he leant against the door.
" She did look ripping in that white frock," he
said, " with her hair — "
" Stop," said I, firmly. "She looked just like
a lot of other girls."
"I 'm hanged if she did ! " said Hilary.
Then he glanced at me with a puzzled sort of
expression.
" I say, old man, were n't you ever that way
way yourself?" he asked.
I hailed a hansom cab.
" Because if you were, you know, you 'd under-
stand how a fellow remembers every — "
"Good-night," said I. "At least, I suppose
you 're not coming to the club ? "
" Well, I think not," said Hilary. " Ta-ta, old
fellow. Sorry we bored you. Of course, if a man
has never — "
" Never ! " I groaned. " A score of times ! "
78
A VERY DULL AFFAIR
" Well, then, does n't it — ? "
" No," said I. " It 's just that that makes
stories like yours so infernally — "
" What ? " asked Hilary ; for I had paused to
light a cigarette.
" Uninteresting," said I, getting into my cab.
79
X
STRANGE, BUT TRUE
HE other day my young cousin
George lunched with me. He is
a cheery youth, and a member of
the University of Oxford. He
refreshes me very much, and I
believe that I have the pleasure
of affording him some matter for thought. On
this occasion, however, he was extremely silent and
depressed. I said little, but made an extremely
good luncheon. Afterwards we proceeded to take
a stroll in the Park.
" Sam, old boy," said George, suddenly, " I 'm
the most miserable devil alive."
" I don't know what else you expect at your
age," I observed, lighting a cigar. He walked on
in silence for a few moments.
" I say, Sam, old boy, when you were young,
were you ever
?
He paused, arranged his
neckcloth (it was more like a bed-quilt — oh, the
fashion, of course, I know that), and blushed a
fine crimson.
"Was I ever what, George?" I had the curios-
ity to ask.
80
STRANGE, BUT TRUE
" Oh, well, hard hit, you know — a girl, you
know."
"In love, you mean, George? No, I never was."
" Never ? "
"No. Are you?"
" Yes. Hang it ! " Then he looked at me
with a puzzled air and continued, —
" I say, though, Sam, it 's awfully funny you
should n't have — don't you know what it 's like,
then ? "
" How should I ? " I inquired apologetically.
" What is it like, George ? "
George took my arm.
"It's just Hades," he informed me confidentially.
" Then," I remarked, " I have no reason to
regret — "
" Still, you know," interrupted George, " it 's
not half-bad."
"That appears to me to be a paradox," I
observed.
" It 's precious hard to explain it to you if
you 've never felt it," said George, in rather an
injured tone. " But what I say is quite true."
" I should n't think of contradicting you, my
dear fellow," I hastened to say.
"Let 's sit down," said he, "and watch the peo-
ple driving. We may see somebody — somebody
we know, you know, Sam."
6 81
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" So we may," said I, and we sat down.
" A fellow," pursued George, with knitted
brows, " is all turned upside-down, don't you
know ? "
" How very peculiar ! " I exclaimed.
" One moment he 's the happiest dog in the
world, and the next — well, the next, it 's the
deuce."
" But," I objected, " not surely without good
reason for such a change ? "
" Reason ? Bosh ! The least thing does it."
I flicked the ash from my cigar.
"It may," I remarked, " affect you in this
extraordinary way, but surely it is not so with
most people ? "
" Perhaps not," George conceded. " Most peo-
ple are cold-blooded asses."
"Very likely the explanation lies in that fact,"
said I.
" I did n't mean you, old chap," said George, with
a penitence which showed that he had meant me.
" Oh, all right, all right," said I.
" But when a man 's really far gone there 's
nothing else in the world but it."
" That seems to me not to be a healthy condi-
tion," said I.
"Healthy? Oh, you old idiot, Sam ! Who's
talking of health? Now, only last night I met her
82
STRANGE, BUT TRUE
at a dance. I had five dances with her — talked to
her half the evening, in fact. Well, you 'd think
that would last some time, would n't you ? "
" I should certainly have supposed so," I
assented.
"So it would with most chaps, I dare say, but
with me — confound it, I feel as if I hadn't seen
her for six months ! "
" But, my dear George, that is surely rather ab-
surd !. As you tell me, you spent a long while
with the young person — "
" The — young — person ! "
" You 've not told me her name, you see."
" No, and I shan't. I wonder if she '11 be at
the Musgraves' to-night ! "
" You 're sure," said I, soothingly, " to meet her
somewhere in the course of the next few weeks."
George looked at me. Then he observed with
a bitter laugh, —
" It 's pretty evident you 've never had it.
You 're as bad as those chaps who write books."
" Well, but surely they often describe with
sufficient warmth and — er — colour — "
" Oh, I dare say ; but it 's all wrong. At least,
it 's not what / fed. Then look at the girls in
books ! All beasts ! "
George spoke with much vehemence; so that
I was led to sav, —
83
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" The lady you are preoccupied with is, I sup-
pose, handsome ? "
George turned swiftly round on me.
" Look here, can you hold your tongue, Sam ? "
I nodded.
" Then I 'm hanged if I won't point her out to
you !
"That's uncommon good of you, George,"
said I.
" Then you '11 see," continued George. " But
it 's not only her looks, you know, she 's the
most — "
He stopped. Looking round to see why, I
observed that his face was red ; he clutched his
walking-stick tightly in his left hand ; his right
hand was trembling, as if it wanted to jump up
to his hat. " Here she comes ! Look, look ! "
he whispered.
Directing my eyes towards the lines of carriages
which rolled past us, I observed a girl in a vic-
toria ; by her side sat a portly lady of middle age.
The girl was decidedly like the lady ; a descrip-
tion of the lady would not, I imagine, be inter-
esting. The girl blushed slightly and bowed.
George and I lifted our hats. The victoria and
its occupants were gone. George leant back with
a sigh. After a moment he said, —
"Well, that was her."
84
-
L
*
0*
1
" There is n't," said George, " a girl in London to touch her"
STRANGE, BUT TRUE
There was expectancy in his tone.
" She has an extremely prepossessing appear-
ance," I observed.
"There is n't," said George, "a girl in London
to touch her. Sam, old boy, I believe — I be-
lieve she likes me a bit."
" I 'm sure she must, George," said I ; and,
indeed, I thought so.
" The Governor 's infernally unreasonable," said
George, fretfully.
" Oh, you 've mentioned it to him ? "
" I sounded him. Oh, you may be sure he
did n't see what I was up to. I put it quite
generally. He talked rot about getting on in
the world. Who wants to get on ? "
"Who, indeed ? " said I. " It is only changing
what you are for something no better."
"And about waiting till I know my own mind.
Is n't it enough to look at her ? "
" Ample, in my opinion," said I.
George rose to his feet.
" They 've gone to a party ; they won't come
round again," said he. "We may as well go,
may n't we ?"
I was very comfortable ; so I said timidly, —
"We might see somebody else we know."
" Oh, somebody else be hanged ! Who wants
to see 'em ? "
85
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I 'm sure I don't," said I, hastily, as I rose
from my armchair, which was at once snapped up.
We were about to return to the club, when I
observed Lady Mickleham's barouche standing
under the trees. I invited George to come and
be introduced.
He displayed great indifference.
" She gives a good many parties," said I ;
" and perhaps — "
" By Jove ! yes. I may as well," said George.
"Glad you had the sense to think of that, old man."
So I took him up to Dolly and presented him.
Dolly was very gracious : George is an eminently
presentable boy. We fell into conversation.
" My cousin, Lady Mickleham," said I, " has
been telling me — "
" Oh, shut up, Sam ! ,: said George, not, how-
ever, appearing very angry.
" About a subject on which you can assist him
more than I can, inasmuch as you are married.
He is in love."
Dolly glanced at George.
" Oh, what fun ! " said she.
" Fun ! " cried George.
" I mean, how awfully interesting," said Dolly,
suddenly transforming her expression.
" And he wanted to be introduced to you be-
cause you might ask her and him to — ,:
86
STRANGE, BUT TRUE
George became red, and began to stammer an
apology.
" Oh, I don't believe him," said Dolly, kindly ;
" he always makes people uncomfortable if he can.
What were you telling him, Mr. George? "
"It's no use telling him anything. He can't
understand," said George.
"Is she very — ?" asked Dolly, fixing doubt-
fully grave eyes on my young cousin.
"Sam's seen her," said he, in an access of shyness.
Dolly turned to me for an opinion, and I gave
one : —
" She is just," said I, "as charming as he thinks
her."
Dolly leant over to my cousin, and whispered,
" Tell me her name." And he whispered some-
thing back to Dolly.
" It's awfully kind of you, Lady Mickleham,"
he said.
"lama kind old thing," said Dolly, all over
dimples. " I can easily get to know them."
" Oh, you really are awfully kind, Lady Mick-
leham."
Dolly smiled upon him, waved her hand to me,
and drove off, crying, —
" Do try to make Mr. Carter understand ! "
We were left alone. George wore a meditative
smile. Presently he roused himself to say, —
87
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" She 's really a very kind woman. She 's so
sympathetic. She's not like you. I expect she
felt it once herself, you know."
" One can never tell," said I, carelessly. " Per-
haps she did — once."
George fell to brooding again. I thought I
would try an experiment.
" Not altogether bad-looking, either, is she ? "
I asked, lighting a cigarette.
George started.
" What ? Oh, well, I don't know. I suppose
some people might think so."
He paused, and added, with a bashful, knowing
smile, —
" You can hardly expect me to go into raptures
about her, can you, old man ? "
I turned my head away, but he caught me.
" Oh, you need n't smile in that infernally
patronising way," he cried angrily.
" Upon my word, George," said I, " I don't
know that I need."
88
XI
THE VERY LATEST THING
T'S the very latest thing," said
Lady Mickleham, standing by the
table in the smoking-room, and
holding an album in her hand.
" I wish it had been a little
later still," said I, for I felt em-
barrassed.
" You promise, on your honour, to be absolutely
sincere, you know, and then you write what you
think of me. See what a lot of opinions I 've got
already," and she held up the thick album.
"It would be extremely interesting to read them,"
I observed.
" Oh ! but they 're quite confidential," said
Dolly. " That 's part of the fun."
" I don't appreciate that part," said I.
" Perhaps you will when you 've written yours,"
suggested Lady Mickleham.
" Meanwhile, may n't I see the Dowager's ? '
" Well, I '11 show you a little bit of the Dow-
ager's. Look here : ' Our dear Dorothea is still
perhaps just a thought wanting in seriousness, but
89
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
the sense of her position is having a sobering
effect.' "
" I hope not," I exclaimed apprehensively.
" Whose is this ? "
" Archie's."
" May I see a bit — ? "
"Not a bit," said Dolly. "Archie's is — is
rather foolish, Mr. Carter."
" So I suppose," said I.
" Dear boy ! " said Dolly, reflectively.
" I hate sentiment," said I. " Here 's a long
one. Who wrote — ? "
" Oh, you must n't look at that — not at that,
above all ! "
" Why above all ? " I asked with some severity.
Dolly smiled ; then she observed in a soothing
tone, —
" Perhaps it won't be c above all ' when you 've
written yours, Mr. Carter."
" By the way," I said carelessly, " I suppose
Archie sees all of them ? "
" He has never asked to see them," answered
Lady Mickleham.
The reply seemed satisfactory ; of course, Archie
had only to ask. I took a clean quill and prepared
to write.
" You promise to be sincere, you know," Dolly
reminded me.
90
THE VERY LATEST THING
I laid down my pen.
" Impossible ! " said I, firmly.
" Oh, but why, Mr. Carter ? "
" There would be an end of our friendship."
" Do you think as badly of me as all that ? "
asked Dolly, with a rueful air.
I leant back in my chair and looked at Dolly.
She looked at me. She smiled. I may have
smiled.
" Yes," said I.
"-Then you need n't write it quite all down," said
Dolly.
"I am obliged," said I, taking up my pen.
"You mustn't say what isn't true, but you
need n't say everything that is — that might be —
true," explained Dolly.
This, again, seemed satisfactory. I began to
write, Dolly sitting opposite me with her elbows
on the table, and watching me.
After ten minutes' steady work, which included
several pauses for reflection, I threw down the
pen, leant back in my chair, and lit a cigarette.
" Now read it," said Dolly, her chin in her
hands and her eyes fixed on me.
" It is, on the whole," I observed, " com-
plimentary."
"No, really?" said Dolly. "Yet you prom-
ised to be sincere."
91
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"You would not have had me disagreeable? " I
asked.
" That 's a different thing," said Dolly. " Read
it, please."
" Lady Mickleham," I read, " is usually ac-
counted a person of considerable attractions. She
is widely popular, and more than one woman has
been known to like her."
" I don't quite understand that," interrupted
Dolly.
" It is surely simple," said I ; and I read on
without delay. "She is kind even to her husband,
and takes the utmost pains to conceal from her
mother-in-law anything calculated to distress that
lady."
"I suppose you mean that to be nice?" said Dolly.
" Of course," I answered ; and I proceeded :
" She never gives pain to any one, except with
the object of giving pleasure to somebody else, and
her kindness is no less widely diffused than it is
hearty and sincere."
" That really is nice," said Dolly, smiling.
" Thank you," said I, smiling also. " She is
very charitable : she takes a pleasure in encourag-
ing the shy and bashful — "
" How do you know that ? ' asked Dolly.
" While," I pursued, " suffering without impa-
tience a considerable amount of self-assurance."
92
Ijel LI'iris ks, i |1?£.
" Lady Michlebam is usually accounted
a person of considerable attractions ' '
THE VERY LATEST THING
" You can't know whether I 'm patient or not,"
remarked Dolly. " I 'm polite."
" She thinks," I read on, " no evil of the most
attractive of women, and has a smile for the most
unattractive of men."
"You put that very nicely," said Dolly, nodding.
"The former may constantly be seen in her
house — and the latter at least as often as many
people would think desirable." (Here for some
reason Dolly laughed.) " Her intellectual powers
are not despicable."
" Thank you, Mr. Carter."
" She can say what she means on the occasions
on which she wishes to do so, and she is, at other
times, equally capable of meaning much more than
she would be likely to say."
" How do you mean that, Mr. Carter, please ? "
" It explains itself," said I, and I proceeded :
" The fact of her receiving a remark with disap-
probation does not necessarily mean that it causes
her displeasure, nor must it be assumed that she
did not expect a visitor, merely on the ground
that she greets him with surprise."
Here I observed Lady Mickleham looking at
me rather suspiciously.
" I don't think that 's quite nice of you, Mr.
Carter," she said pathetically.
" Lady Mickleham is, in short," I went on,
93
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
coming to my peroration, " equally deserving of
esteem and affection — "
" Esteem and affection ! That sounds just
right," said Dolly, approvingly.
" And those who have been admitted to the
enjoyment of her friendship are unanimous in
discouraging all others from seeking a similar
privilege."
" I beg your pardon ? '" cried Lady Mickleham.
" Are unanimous," I repeated slowly and dis-
tinctly, " in discouraging all others from seeking a
similar privilege."
Dolly looked at me, with her brow slightly
puckered. I leant back, puffing at my cigarette.
Presently — for there was quite a long pause —
Dolly's lips curved.
"My mental powers are not despicable," she
observed.
" I have said so," said I.
" I think I see," she remarked.
" Is there anything wrong ? " I asked anxiously.
" N-no," said Dolly, " not exactly wrong. In
fact, I rather think I like that last bit best. Still,
don't you think — ?"
She rose, came round the table, took up the pen,
and put it back in my hand.
"What's this for?" I asked.
" To correct the mistake," said Dolly.
94
THE VERY LATEST THING
" Do you really think so ? " said I.
" I 'm afraid so," said Dolly.
I took the pen and made a certain alteration.
Dolly took up the album.
"'Are unanimous,' " she read, " c in encourag-
ing all others to seek a similar privilege.' Yes,
you meant that, you know, Mr. Carter."
" I suppose I must have," said I, rather sulkily.
" The other was nonsense," urged Dolly.
" Oh, utter nonsense," said I.
"And you had to write the truth ! "
"Yes, I had to write some of it."
"And nonsense can't be the truth, can it, Mr.
Carter ? "
" Of course it can't, Lady Mickleham."
"Where are you going, Mr. Carter?" she
asked ; for I rose from my chair.
" To have a quiet smoke," said I.
"Alone?" asked Dolly.
"Yes, alone," said I.
I walked towards the door. Dolly stood by the
table fingering the album. I had almost reached
the door ; then I happened to look round.
" Mr. Carter ! " said Dolly, as though a new
idea had struck her.
" What is it, Lady Mickleham ? "
" Well, you know, Mr. Carter, I — I shall try
to forget that mistake of yours."
95
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" You 're very kind, Lady Mickleham."
" But," said Dolly, with a troubled smile, "I —
I 'm quite afraid I shan't succeed, Mr. Carter."
After all, the smoking-room is meant for
smoking.
96
XII
AN UNCOUNTED HOUR
)E were standing, Lady Mickle-
ham and I, at a door which led
from the morning-room to the
terrace at The Towers. I was
on a visit to that historic pile
(by Vanbrugh — out of the
money accumulated by the third Earl — Paymaster
to the Forces — temp. Queen Anne). The morn-
ing-room is a large room. Archie was somewhere
in it. Lady Mickleham held ajar containing />#/(?
de foie gras ; from time to time she dug a piece
out with a fork and flung the morsel to a big
retriever which was sitting on the terrace. The
morning was fine but cloudy. Lady Mickleham
wore blue. The dog swallowed the pate with
greediness.
" It 's so bad for him," sighed she ; " but the
dear likes it so much."
" How human the creatures are ! " said I.
" Do you know," pursued Lady Mickleham,
" that the Dowager says I 'm extravagant. She
thinks dogs ought not to be fed on pate de foie
gras"
7 97
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Your extravagance," I observed, " is probably
due to your having been brought up on a mod-
erate income. I have felt the effect myself."
" Of course," said Dolly, "we are hit by the
agricultural depression."
" The Carters also," I murmured, " are landed
gentry."
" After all, I don't see much point in economy,
do you, Mr. Carter ? "
" Economy," I remarked, putting my hands in
my pockets, "is going without something you do
want in case you should, some day, want some-
thing which you probably won't want."
" Is n't that clever? ' asked Dolly, in an appre-
hensive tone.
" Oh, dear, no," I answered reassuringly.
" Anybody can do that — if they care to try, you
know."
Dolly tossed a piece of pate to the retriever.
" I have made a discovery lately," I observed.
" What are you two talking about ? ' called
Archie.
" You 're not meant to hear," said Dolly, with-
out turning round.
" Yet if it 's a discovery, he ought to hear it."
" He 's made a good many lately," said Dolly.
She dug out the last bit of pate, flung it to the
dog, and handed the empty pot to me.
98
AN UNCOUNTED HOUR
" Don't be so allegorical," I implored. " Besides,
it's really not just to Archie. No doubt the dog
is a nice one, but — "
" How foolish you are this morning ! What 's
the discovery ? "
" An entirely surprising one."
"Oh, but let me hear! It's nothing about
Archie, is it ? "
" No. I 've told you all Archie's sins."
" Nor Mrs. Hilary ? I wish it was Mrs.
Hilary ! "
"Shall we walk on the terrace?" I suggested.
"Oh, yes, let's," said Dolly, stepping out, and
putting on a broad-brimmed, low-crowned hat,
which she caught up from a chair hard by. " It
is n't Mrs. Hilary?" she added, sitting down on a
garden seat.
" No," said I, leaning on a sun-dial which stood
by the seat.
"Well, what is it?"
" It is simple," said I, "and serious. It is not,
therefore, like you, Lady Mickleham."
"It's like Mrs. Hilary," said Dolly.
" No ; because it is n't pleasant. By the way,
are you jealous of Mrs. Hilary ? "
Dolly said nothing at all. She took off her
hat, roughened her hair a little, and assumed an
effective pose. Still, it is a fact (for what it is
99
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
worth) that she does n't care much about Mrs.
Hilary.
" The discovery," I continued, " is that I 'm
growing middle-aged."
" You are middle-aged," said Dolly, spearing
her hat with its long pin.
I was, very naturally, nettled at this.
" So will you be soon," I retorted.
"Not soon," said Dolly.
" Some day," I insisted.
After a pause of about half a minute, Dolly said,
" I suppose so."
" You will become," I pursued, idly drawing
patterns with my finger on the sun-dial, " wrinkled,
rough, fat — and, perhaps, good."
"You're very disagreeable to-day," said Dolly.
She rose and stood by me.
" What do the mottoes mean?" she asked.
There were two : I will not say they contra-
dicted one another, but they looked at life from
different points of view.
" Pereunt et imputantur" I read.
"Well, what's that, Mr. Carter? "
"A trite, but offensive, assertion," said I, light-
ing a cigarette.
" But what does it mean ? " she asked, a pucker
on her forehead.
" What does it matter ? " said I. " Let 's try
the other." ioo
AN UNCOUNTED HOUR
" The other is longer."
" And better. Horas non numero nisi serenas."
"And what's that?"
I translated literally. Dolly clapped her hands,
and her face gleamed with smiles.
" I like that one ! " she cried.
" Stop ! " said I, imperatively. " You '11 set it
moving ! "
" It 's very sensible," said she.
" More freely rendered, it means, ' I live only
when you — "
" By Jove ! ' remarked Archie, coming up
behind us, pipe in mouth, " there was a lot of rain
last night. I 've just measured it in the gauge."
"Some people measure everything," said I, with
a displeased air. " It is a detestable habit."
" Archie, what does Pereunt et imputantur
mean ? "
" Eh ? Oh, I see. Well, I say, Carter ! — Oh,
well, you know, I suppose it means you 've got to
pay for your fun, does n't it ? "
"Oh, is that all ? I was afraid it was something
horrid. Why did you frighten me, Mr. Carter ? "
" I think it is rather horrid," said I.
"Why, it is n't even true," said Dolly, scornfully.
Now when I heard this ancient and respectable
legend thus cavalierly challenged I fell to studying
it again, and presently I exclaimed, —
IOI
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"Yes, you 're right ! If it said that, it would n't
be true ; but Archie translated wrong."
" Well, you have a shot," suggested Archie.
"The oysters are eaten and put down in the
bill," said I. " And you will observe, Archie,
that it does not say in whose bill."
" Ah ! " said Dolly.
" Well, somebody 's got to pay," persisted
Archie.
" Oh, yes, somebody," laughed Dolly.
"Well, I don't know," said Archie. "I suppose
the chap that has the fun — "
" It's not always a chap," observed Dolly.
" Well, then, the individual," amended Archie.
" I suppose he 'd have to pay."
" It does n't say so," I remarked mildly. " And
according to my small experience — "
" I 'm quite sure your meaning is right, Mr.
Carter," said Dolly, in an authoritative tone.
" As for the other motto, Archie," said I, " it
merely means that a woman considers all hours
wasted which she does not spend in the society of
her husband."
" Oh, come, you don't gammon me," said
Archie. " It means that the sun don't shine
unless it 's fine, you know."
Archie delivered this remarkable discovery in a
tone of great self-satisfaction.
102
AN UNCOUNTED HOUR
" Oh, you dear old thing ! " said Dolly.
" Well, it does, you know," said he.
There was a pause. Archie kissed his wife (I
am not complaining ; he has, of course, a perfect
right to kiss his wife) and strolled away towards
the hot-houses.
I lit another cigarette. Then Dolly, pointing
to the stem of the dial, cried, —
« Why, here 's another inscription — oh, and in
English ! "
She was right. There was another — carelessly
scratched on the old battered column — nearly
effaced, for the characters had been but lightly
marked — and yet not, as I conceived from the
tenor of the words, very old.
" What is it ? " asked Dolly, peering over my
shoulder, as I bent down to read the letters, and
shading her eyes with her hand. (Why did n't
she put on her hat? We touch the Incom-
prehensible.)
" It is," said I, " a singularly poor, shallow,
feeble, and undesirable little verse."
" Read it out," said Dolly.
So I read it. The silly fellow had written :
" Life is Love, the poets tell us,
In the little books they sell us ;
But pray, ma'am — what 's of Life the Use,
If Life be Love ? For Love 's the Deuce."
103
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Dolly began to laugh gently, digging the pin
again into her hat.
" I wonder," said she, " whether they used to
come and sit by this old dial just as we did this
morning ! "
" I should n't be at all surprised," said I. " And
another point occurs to me, Lady Mickleham."
" Oh, does it ? What 's that, Mr. Carter ? "
" Do you think that anybody measured the
rain-gauge ? "
Dolly looked at me very gravely.
" I 'm so sorry when you do that," said she,
pathetically.
I smiled.
" I really am," said Dolly. " But you don't
mean it, do you ? "
" Certainly not," said I.
Dolly smiled.
" No more than he did ! ' : said I, pointing to
the sun-dial.
And then we both smiled.
" Will this hour count, Mr. Carter ? " asked
Dolly, as she turned away.
" That would be rather strict," said I.
104
XIII
A REMINISCENCE
KNOW exactly what your
mother wants, Phyllis," ob-
served Mrs. Hilary.
"It 's just to teach them the
ordinary things/' said little Miss
Phyllis.
"What are the ordinary things?" I ventured
to ask.
" W T hat all girls are taught, of course, Mr.
Carter," said Mrs. Hilary. " I '11 write about it
at once." And she looked at me as if she
thought that I might be about to go.
" It is a comprehensive curriculum," I re-
marked, crossing my legs, " if one may judge
from the results. How old are your younger
sisters, Miss Phyllis ? "
" Fourteen and sixteen," she answered.
" It is a pity," said I, " that this did n't happen
a little while back. I knew a governess who
would have suited the place to a c t.' '
Mrs. Hilary smiled scornfully.
" We used to meet," I continued.
105
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"Who used to meet? " asked Miss Phyllis.
" The governess and myself, to be sure," said
I, " under the old apple-tree in the garden at the
back of the house."
" What house, Mr. Carter ? "
" My father's house, of course, Miss Phyllis.
And — "
" Oh, but that must be ages ago ! " cried she.
Mrs. Hilary rose, cast one glance at me, and
turned to the writing-table. Her pen began to
scratch almost immediately.
" And under the apple-tree," I pursued, " we
had many pleasant conversations."
" What about ? " asked Miss Phyllis.
" One thing and another," I returned. " The
schoolroom windows looked out that way, — a
circumstance which made matters more comfort-
able for everybody."
" I should have thought — " began Miss Phyl-
lis, smiling slightly, but keeping an apprehensive
eye on Mrs. Hilary's back.
" Not at all," I interrupted. " My sisters saw
us, you see. Well, of course they entertained an
increased respect for me, which was all right, and
a decreased respect for the governess, which was
also all right. We met in the hour allotted to
French lessons — by an undesigned but appro-
priate coincidence."
1 06
A REMINISCENCE
" I shall say about thirty-five, Phyllis," called
Mrs. Hilary from the writing-table.
" Yes, Cousin Mary," called Miss Phyllis.
" Did you meet often, Mr. Carter ? "
" Every evening in the French hour," said I.
"She'll have got over any nonsense by then,"
called Mrs. Hilary. " They 're often full of it."
" She had remarkably pretty hair," I continued;
"very soft it was. Dear me ! I was just twenty."
" How old was she ? ' asked Miss Phyllis.
"One's first love," said I, "is never any age.
Everything went very well. Happiness was
impossible. I was heart-broken, and the gover-
ness was far from happy. Ah, happy, happy
times ! "
" But you don't seem to have been happy,"
objected Miss Phyllis.
" Then came a terrible evening — "
" She ought to be a person of active habits,"
called Mrs. Hilary.
" I think so, yes, Cousin Mary. Oh, what
happened, Mr. Carter ? "
" And an early riser," added Mrs. Hilary.
"Yes, Cousin Mary. What did happen, Mr.
Carter ? "
" My mother came in during the French hour.
I don't know whether you have observed, Miss
Phyllis, how easy it is to slip into the habit of
107
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
entering rooms when you had better remain out-
side. Now, even my friend Arch — However,
that 's neither here nor there. My mother, as I
say, came in."
" Church of England, of course, Phyllis ? "
called Mrs. Hilary.
" Oh, of course, Cousin Mary," cried little Miss
Phyllis.
"The sect makes no difference," I observed.
" Well, my sisters, like good girls, began to repeat
the irregular verbs. But it was no use. We were
discovered. That night, Miss Phyllis, I nearly
drowned myself."
"You must have been — Oh, how awful, Mr.
Carter ! "
" That is to say, I thought how effective it
would be if I drowned myself. Ah, well, it
could n't last ! "
" And the governess ? "
" She left next morning."
There was a pause. Miss Phyllis looked sad
and thoughtful : I smiled pensively and beat my
cane against my leg.
" Have you ever seen her since ? " asked Miss
Phyllis.
" No."
"Shouldn't — shouldn't you like to, Mr.
Carter ? "
108
A REMINISCENCE
" Heaven forbid ! " said I.
Suddenly Mrs. Hilary pushed back her chair,
and turned round to us.
"Well, I declare," said she, "I must be grow-
ing stupid. Here have I been writing to the
Agency, when I know of the very thing myself!
The Polwheedles' governess is just leaving them ;
she 's been there over fifteen years. Lady Pol-
wheedle told me she was a treasure. I wonder if
she 'd go ! '
" Is she what mamma wants ? "
" My dear, you '11 be most lucky to get her.
I '11 write at once and ask her to come to lunch
to-morrow. I met her there. She 's an admirable
person."
Mrs. Hilary wheeled round again. I shook
my head at Miss Phyllis.
" Poor children ! " said I. " Manage a bit of
fun for them sometimes."
Miss Phyllis assumed a staid and virtuous air.
" They must be properly brought up, Mr.
Carter," said she.
" Is there a House Opposite ? " I asked ; and
Miss Phyllis blushed.
Mrs. Hilary advanced, holding out a letter.
" You may as well post this for me," said she.
" Oh, and would you like to come to lunch to-
morrow ? "
109
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" To meet the Paragon ? "
" No. She '11 be there, of course ; but you see
it's Saturday, and Hilary will be here; and I
thought you might take him off somewhere and
leave Phyllis and me to have a quiet talk with
her."
" That won't amuse her much," I ventured to
remark.
" She 's not coming to be amused" said Mrs.
Hilary, severely.
"All right ; I '11 come," said I, taking my hat.
" Here 's the note for Miss Bannerman," said
Mrs. Hilary.
That sort of thing never surprises me. I looked
at the letter and read " Miss M. E. Bannerman."
" M. E." stood for " Maud Elizabeth." I put
my hat back on the table.
" What sort of a looking person is this Miss
Bannerman ? " I asked.
" Oh, a spare, upright woman — hair a little
gray, and — I don't know how to describe it —
her face looks a little weather-beaten. She wears
glasses."
"Thank you," said I. "And what sort of a
looking person am I?"
Mrs. Hilary looked scornful. Miss Phyllis
opened her eyes.
" How old do I look, Miss Phyllis? " I asked.
no
A REMINISCENCE
Miss Phyllis scanned me from top to toe.
" I don't know," she said uncomfortably.
" Guess," said I, sternly.
" F-forty-three — oh, or forty-two? " she asked,
with a timid upward glance.
" When you 've done your nonsense — " began
Mrs. Hilary ; but I laid a hand on her arm.
" Should you call me fat ? " I asked.
" Oh, no, not fat" said Mrs. Hilary, with a
smile, which she strove to render reassuring.
" I am undoubtedly bald," I observed.
" You 're certainly bald," said Mrs. Hilary,
with regretful candour.
I took my hat and remarked, —
" A man has a right to think of himself, but I
am not thinking mainly of myself. I shall not
come to lunch."
" You said you would," cried Mrs. Hilary,
indignantly.
I poised the letter in my hand, reading again,
cc Miss M(aud) E(lizabeth) Bannerman." Miss
Phyllis looked at me curiously, Mrs. Hilary
impatiently.
" Who knows," said I, " that I may not be a
Romance — a Vanished Dream — a Green Mem-
ory — an Oasis ? A person who has the fortune
to be an Oasis, Miss Phyllis, should be very care-
ful. I will not come to lunch."
1 1 1
it
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Do you mean that you used to know Miss
Bannerman ? " asked Mrs. Hilary, in her pleasant
prosaic way.
It was a sin seventeen years old : it would
hardly count against the blameless Miss Banner-
man now.
"You may tell her when I 'm gone," said I to
Miss Phyllis.
Miss Phyllis whispered in Mrs. Hilary's ear.
Another ! " cried Mrs. Hilary, aghast.
It was the very first," said I, defending myself.
Mrs. Hilary began to laugh. I smoothed my
hat.
" Tell her," said I, " that I remembered her
very well."
" I shall do no such thing," said Mrs. Hilary.
" And tell her," I continued, " that I am still
handsome."
" I shan't say a word about you," said Mrs.
Hilary.
" Ah, well, that will be better still," said I.
" She '11 have forgotten your very name,"
remarked Mrs. Hilary.
I opened the door, but a thought struck me. I
turned round and observed, —
" I dare say her hair 's just as soft as ever.
Still — I '11 lunch some other day."
112
XIV
ANCIENT HISTORY
'VE been hearing something
about you, Mr. Carter," Dolly
remarked, stroking the Persian
kitten which she had bought to
match her hair.
" I 'm very weak. I shall like
to hear it too." And I sat down.
Dolly kissed the kitten and went on. " About
you and Dulcie Mildmay."
" That 's very ancient history," said I, rather
disgusted.
" You admit it is history, though ? "
" History is what women have agreed to repeat,
Lady Mickleham."
" Oh, if you 're going to take it like that ! I
thought we were friends — and — "
" There is no greater mark of friendship," I
observed, " than a complete absence of interest in
one's doings."
" An absence of interest ? " smiled Dolly, re-
tying the kitten's bow in a meditative way.
8 113
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" It makes the heart grow fonder (not, of
course, that that's desirable). You notice, for
example, that I don't ask where Archie is. It 's
not my business ; it 's enough for me that he is n't
here."
"You always were easily pleased," said Dolly,
kindly.
" So with you and me. When we are together,
we are — "
" Friends," said she, with a touch of firmness,
as I thought.
"We are, as I was about to say, happy. When
I 'm away, what am I to you ? Nothing ! "
"Well, I 've an awful lot to do," murmured
Dolly.
"And what are you to me? " I pursued. "A
pleasing memory ! "
" Thank you, Mr. Carter. But about Dulcie
Mildmay ? "
"Very well; only I wish you'd be a little
more recent."
You were in love with her, you know."
I trust I 'm always ready to learn," said I,
resignedly.
" Oh, it 's not as if I meant there was anything
— anything there ought n't to be."
" Then indeed we would discuss it."
It was long before she married."
114
(C
«Mf« I
"I've bee?i be tiring something about you, Mr. Carter"
ANCIENT HISTORY
cc
You must really forgive me then. She mar-
ried in — '94. April 15th, to be precise. I beg
your pardon, Lady Mickleham ? "
" I just smiled. You 've such a splendid mem-
ory for dates."
" Uncle Joseph died last week and left me a
legacy."
" It 's really no use, Mr. Carter. Mrs. Hilary
told me all about it."
" I never can conceal anything. It don't do,
from Mrs. Hilary."
"You very nearly proposed to Dulcie, down the
river one day. She had great difficulty in stop-
ping you."
" Preposterous ! Is there ever any difficulty in
stopping me ? "
Dolly placed the kitten on her left shoulder,
so that it could rub its face against her ear. This
action had all the effect of an observation.
"Though what you saw in her I can't think,"
she added.
"You should have asked me at the time," said I.
"Anyhow you were quite depressed for a month
afterwards — Mrs. Hilary said so."
" Occasionally," I remarked, " Mrs. Hilary
does me justice. I should have been depressed
only — "
" Only what ? "
"5
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Thankfulness supervened," said I.
" Then you did nearly — ? "
" Oh, well, I was a little tempted, perhaps."
"You oughtn't to yield to temptation."
" Well, somebody must, or the thing becomes
absurd," said I.
" I shall have to keep my eye on you, Mr. Carter."
"Well, I like having pretty things about me — "
" That 's rather obvious," interrupted Dolly,
scornfully.
"And so," I pursued, "I daresay I enjoyed
myself with Dulcie Mildmay."
Dolly put the kitten down on the floor with
quite a bump. I took my hat.
"Your story," said I, as I brushed my hat,
" has n't come to much, Lady Mickleham."
Dolly was not put out ; nay, she picked up the
kitten again and started rubbing its fur the wrong
way.
"When you were a child, Mr. Carter — " she
began.
" Dear, dear ! " I murmured, stroking the crown
of my head.
" Did you use to tell the truth ? "
I put my hat back on the table. The conversa-
tion began to interest me.
" You may have noticed," said I, " that I am a
man of method ! "
116
ANCIENT HISTORY
«
You do call regularly," Dolly agreed.
" I was the same at the B. C. sort of period you
refer to. I had an invariable rule. I lied first."
" Yes, and then — ? "
" Oh, they made a row. Then I told the truth,
and was rewarded. If I 'd told the truth the first
time, you see, I should have got nothing. The
thing would have degenerated into a matter of
course, and I should have lost the benefit of
confession."
" You got off", I suppose, by confessing ? "
" I did. A halcyon period, Lady Mickleham.
In later life one gets off by professing. Have you
observed the difference ? "
" Professing what ? "
"An attachment to somebody else, to be sure.
Were n't we talking of Dulcie Mildmay ? '
" I asked you that question because Mrs. Hil-
ary's little girl — "
" I am acquainted with that sad episode," I
interposed. " Indeed, I took occasion to observe
that I hoped it would make Mrs. Hilary more
charitable to other people. As a matter of fact, it
rather pleased me. Righteousness should n't run
in families. It is all very well as a c Sport,' but — "
" I don't see much sport in it," interrupted
Dolly.
" I was speaking scientifically — "
117
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Then please don't." She paused and resumed
in a thoughtful tone. " It reminded me of my
first flirtation."
" This is indeed ancient history," I cried.
"Yes, I 'm twenty-four."
In silent sympathy we stroked opposite ends of
the Persian kitten.
" I did n't care one bit about him," Dolly
assumed.
"Art for art's sake," said I, nodding approvingly.
" But there was nothing else to do and — "
" Are you busy this afternoon ? "
" I was only sixteen and not very particular. I
met him at the Wax-Works — "
" Are they so called because they make parents
angry ? "
"There was a hospital close to, and by an un-
lucky chance our Vicar induced mamma to visit it.
Well, we ran into mamma coming out, you see."
" What happened ? " I asked.
" Oh, I said I 'd met him when I was with papa
at Kissingen. Don't make another pun, please."
" Did papa play up ? "
" I had n't time to see him first," said Dolly,
sadly. " Mamma drove down and picked him up
in the City."
" I detest a suspicious temperament like that,"
said I. " What did it come to ? "
118
«
it
ANCIENT HISTORY
" No parties, and extra French for weeks,"
sighed Dolly. " Mamma said she would n't have
minded if only I 'd spoken the truth."
" If she really meant that," I remarked cau-
tiously, "there was the basis of an understanding."
" Of course she did n't. That was just rubbing
it in, you know."
We relapsed into a pensive silence. Dolly gave
the kitten milk, I pulled its tail. We had become
quite thoughtful.
" I always tell the truth now, except to the
Dowager," said Dolly, presently.
It does n't do to be quixotic," I agreed.
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand
you is really promoting falsehood, is n't it?"
" That 's rather a good idea," said Dolly.
"And if you — "
Adapt ? "
Yes — why then they get it just right, don't
they ? You think of quite sensible things some-
times, Mr. Carter."
Often when I 'm not with you," said I.
And I suppose you adapted in telling me
about Dulcie Mildmay ?,"
" Do you know, I 've a sort of idea that I con-
fused her with somebody else."
" That 's not very complimentary."
" Oh, I don't know. I remember the scene so
119
cc
cc
cc
cc
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
well. It was in a backwater under a tree. There
was a low bough over the water, and she — "
" Who ? " asked Dolly, resuming exclusive
possession of the kitten.
" Well, whoever it was — hung her hat on the
bough. It was about eight o'clock, a very pleas-
ant evening. I happen to recollect that the
cushions were blue. And she wore blue. And I
was blue, until — Did you say that she refused
me r
" Mrs. Hilary says she did n't let it come to
that."
" Mrs. Hilary is right as usual. We got home
at ten and — Your mother could n't have meant
what she said, I think."
" I don't see how mamma comes in," said Dolly,
in a voice muffled by kitten fur.
" Because her mother minded considerably,
although we spoke the truth."
" What did you do that for ? " asked Dolly,
reprovingly.
" Oh, because other people had seen us from a
punt. So we just said that time had flown — not,
perhaps, a particularly tactful thing to say. And
that's the whole truth about Dulcie Mildmay."
I rose and took my hat again, as if I meant it
this time too. Dolly rose too, and held out one
hand to me ; the other contained the kitten.
1 20
ANCIENT HISTORY
" What was the hat like? " asked Dolly.
"Just such a hat as you'd wear yourself," said I.
" I never wear hats like Dulcie Mildmay's."
<f I told you there was a mistake somewhere,"
I observed triumphantly.
Dolly smiled; she looked up at me (well, I 'm
taller than she is, of course).
" Yes, I expect there is," said she. " But do
you see any particular good in telling Mrs. Hilary
so r
" She would n't believe it."
"No — and — "
" It is, as you observe, so uncomplimentary to
Mrs. Mildmay."
" And it 's all such very Ancient History ! "
I don't think anything more of interest oc-
curred that afternoon — anyhow nothing more
about Dulcie Mildmay.
121
XV
A FINE DAY
SEE nothing whatever to laugh
at," said Mrs. Hilary, coldly, when
I had finished.
" I did not ask you to laugh,"
I observed mildly. "I mentioned
it merely as a typical case."
It 's not typical," she said, and took up her
embroidery. But a moment later she added, —
" Poor boy ! I 'm not surprised ! "
" I 'm not surprised either," I remarked. " It
is, however, extremely deplorable."
" It 's your own fault. Why did you introduce
him ? "
" A book," I observed, " might be written on
the Injustice of the Just. How could I suppose
that he would — ? "
By the way, I may as well state what he —
that is, my young cousin George — had done.
Unless one is a genius, it is best to aim at being
intelligible.
Well, he was in love ; and with a view of pro-
viding him with another house at which he might
k
122
cc
cc
A FINE DAY
be likely to meet the adored object, I presented
him to my friend Lady Mickleham. That was on
a Tuesday. A fortnight later, as I was sitting in
Hyde Park (as I sometimes do), George came
up and took the chair next to me. I gave
him a cigarette, but made no remark. George
beat his cane restlessly against the leg of his
trousers.
I Ve got to go up to-morrow," he remarked.
Ah, well, Oxford is a delightful town," said I.
D — d hole," observed George.
I was about to contest this opinion when a vic-
toria drove by.
A girl sat in it, side by side with a portly
lady.
" George, George ! " I cried. " There she is —
Look ! "
George looked, raised his hat with sufficient
politeness, and remarked to me, —
"Hang it ! one sees those people everywhere."
I am not easily surprised, but I confess I turned
to George with an expression of wonder.
" A fortnight ago — "I began.
" Don't be an ass, Sam," said George, rather
sharply. "She's not a bad girl, but — " He
broke off and began to whistle.
There was a long pause. I lit a cigar, and
looked at the people.
123
"<
It
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I lunched at the Micklehams' to-day," said
George, drawing a figure on the gravel with his
cane. " Mickleham 's not a bad fellow."
'One of the best fellows alive," I agreed.
I wonder why she married him, though,"
mused George ; and he added, with apparent irrel-
evance, " It's a dashed bore, going up." And
then a smile spread over his face ; a blush accom-
panied it, and proclaimed George's sense of deli-
cious wickedness. I turned on him.
" Out with it ! " said I.
"It's nothing. Don't be a fool," said George.
" Where did you get that rose ? " I asked.
" This rose ? ' he repeated, fondling the blos-
som. " It was given to me."
Upon this I groaned — and I still consider that
I had good reason for my action. It was the groan
of a moralist.
" They 've asked me to stay at The Towers
next vac," said George, glancing at me out of the
corner of an immoral eye. Perhaps he thought it
too immoral, for he added, " It 's all right, Sam."
I believe that I have as much self-control as most
people, but at this point I chuckled.
" What the deuce are you laughing at ? " asked
George.
I made no answer, and he went on, —
"You never told me what a — what she was
124
A FINE DAY
like, Sam. Wanted to keep it to yourself, you
old dog."
" George — George — George ! " said I. "You
go up to-morrow ? "
" Yes, confound it ! "
"And term lasts two months ? "
" Yes — hang it ! "
"All is well," said I, crossing my legs. "There
is more virtue in two months than in Ten Com-
mandments."
George regarded me with a dispassionate air.
"You 're an awful ass sometimes," he observed
critically, and he rose from his seat.
" Must you go ? " said I.
"Yes — got a lot of things to do. Look here,
Sam, don't go and talk about — "
" Talk about what ? "
" Anything, you old idiot," said George, with a
pleased smile, and he dug me in the ribs with his
cane, and departed.
I sat on, admiring the simple elements which
constitute the happiness of the young. Alas! with
advancing years, Wrong loses half its flavour ! To
be improper ceases, by itself, to satisfy.
Immersed in these reflections, I failed to
notice that a barouche had stopped opposite to
me ; and suddenly I found a footman addressing
me.
I2 5
((
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Beg your pardon, sir," he said. " Her lady-
ship wishes to speak to you."
" It is a blessed thing to be young, Martin," I
observed.
"Yes, sir," said Martin. "It 's a fine day, sir."
" But very short," said I. Martin is respectful,
and said nothing — to me, at least. What he said
to the coachman, I don't know.
And then I went up to Dolly.
Get in and drive round," suggested Dolly.
I can't," said I. " I have a bad nose."
" What 's the matter with your nose ? ' asked
Dolly, smiling.
" The joint is injured," said I, getting into the
barouche. And I added severely, " I suppose I 'd
better sit with my back to the horses ? '
" Oh, no, you 're not my husband," said Dolly.
" Sit here ; " and she made room by her, as she
continued, " I rather like Mr. George."
" I 'm ashamed of you," I observed. " Con-
sidering your age — "
"Mr. Carter!"
" Considering, I say, his age, your conduct is
scandalous. I shall never introduce any nice boys
to you again."
"Oh, please do," said Dolly, clasping her hands.
" You give them roses," said I, accusingly.
" You make them false to their earliest loves — "
126
{ ./ I ^injjef I | : . . r \{y\Y.
" He 'j a nice boy," said the. " How
like he is to you, Mr. Carter'"
A FINE DAY
"She was a pudding-faced thing," observed
Dolly.
I frowned. Dolly, by an accident, allowed the
tip of her finger to touch my arm for an instant.
" He 's a nice boy," said she. " How like he
is to you, Mr. Carter ! "
" I am a long way past that," said I. "I am
thirty-six."
"If you mean to be disagreeable ! ' said she,
turning away. " I beg your pardon for touching
you, Mr. Carter."
" I did not notice it, Lady Mickleham."
" Would you like to get out ? "
"It's miles from my club," said I, discontentedly.
" He 's such fun," said Dolly, with a sudden
smile. " He told Archie that I was the most
charming woman in London ! You 've never
done that ! "
" He said the same about the pudding-faced
girl," I observed.
There was a pause. Then Dolly asked, —
How is your nose ? "
The carriage-exercise is doing it good," said I.
If," observed Dolly, " he is so silly now, what
will he be at your age ? "
A wise man," said I.
He suggested that I might write to him,"
bubbled Dolly.
127
a
(C
k
u
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Now when Dolly bubbles — an operation which
includes a sudden turn towards me, a dancing of
eyes, a dart of a small hand, a hurried rush of
words, checked and confused by a speedier gust
of gurgling sound — I am in the habit of ceasing
to argue the question. Bubbling is not to be met
by arguing. I could only say, —
"He '11 have forgotten by the end of the term."
" He '11 remember two days later," retorted
Dolly.
"Stop the carriage," said I. " I shall tell Mrs.
Hilary all about it."
"I won't stop the carriage," said Dolly. " I 'm
going to take you home with me."
"I am at a premium to-day," I said sardonically.
" One must have something," said Dolly. "How
is your nose now, Mr. Carter ? "
I looked at Dolly. I had better not have done
that.
" Would afternoon tea hurt it ? " she inquired
anxiously.
"It would do it good," said I, decisively.
And that is absolutely the whole story. And
what in the world Mrs. Hilary found to disap-
prove of I don't know — especially as I did n't tell
her half of it! But she did disapprove. However,
she looks very well when she disapproves.
128
XVI
THE HOUSE OPPOSITE
)E were talking over the sad case
of young Algy Groom ; I was
explaining to Mrs. Hilary ex-
actly what had happened.
" His father gave him," said I,
" a hundred pounds, to keep him
for three months in Paris while he learnt French."
" And very liberal too," said Mrs. Hilary.
" It depends where you dine," said I. " How-
ever, that question did not arise, for Algy went to
the Grand Prix the day after he arrived — "
" A horse race ? " asked Mrs. Hilary, with great
contempt.
" Certainly the competitors are horses," I re-
joined. " And there he, most unfortunately, lost
the whole sum, without learning any French to
speak of."
" How disgusting ! " exclaimed Mrs. Hilary,
and little Miss Phyllis gasped in horror.
" Oh, well," said Hilary, with much bravery (as
it struck me), " his father 's very well off."
9 129
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" That does n't make it a bit better," declared
his wife.
" There 's no mortal sin in a little betting, my
dear. Boys will be boys — "
" And even that," I interposed, " would n't mat-
ter if we could only prevent girls from being girls."
Mrs. Hilary, taking no notice whatever of me,
pronounced sentence. " He grossly deceived his
father," she said, and took up her embroidery.
" Most of us have grossly deceived our parents
before now," said I. " We should all have to con-
fess to something of the sort."
"I hope you're speaking for your own sex,"
observed Mrs. Hilary.
" Not more than yours," said I. " You used to
meet Hilary on the pier when your father was n't
there — you told me so."
" Father had authorised my acquaintance with
Hilary."
" I hate quibbles," said I.
There was a pause. Mrs. Hilary stitched :
Hilary observed that the day was fine.
" Now," I pursued carelessly, " even Miss
Phyllis here has been known to deceive her
parents."
" Oh, let the poor child alone, anyhow," said
Mrs. Hilary.
" Have n't you ? " said I to Miss Phyllis.
130
THE HOUSE OPPOSITE
I expected an indignant denial. So did Mrs.
Hilary, for she remarked with a sympathetic air, —
" Never mind his folly, Phyllis dear."
" Have n't you, Miss Phyllis ? " said I.
Miss Phyllis grew very red. Fearing that I
was causing her pain, I was about to observe on
the prospects of a Dissolution when a shy smile
spread over Miss Phyllis's face.
" Yes, once," said she, with a timid glance at
Mrs. Hilary, who immediately laid down her
embroidery.
" Out with it," I cried triumphantly. " Come
along, Miss Phyllis. We won't tell, honour
bright!"
Miss Phyllis looked again at Mrs. Hilary.
Mrs. Hilary is human.
" Well, Phyllis dear," said she, " after all this
time I should n't think it my duty — "
" It only happened last summer," said Miss
Phyllis.
Mrs. Hilary looked rather put out.
" Still," she began.
" We must have the story," said I.
Little Miss Phyllis put down the sock she had
been knitting.
" I was very naughty," she remarked. " It was
my last term at school."
" I know that age," said I to Hilary.
131
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" My window looked out towards the street.
You 're sure you won't tell ? Well, there was a
house opposite — "
" And a young man in it," said I.
" How did you know that ? " asked Miss Phyl-
lis, blushing immensely.
" No girls' school can keep up its numbers
without one," I explained.
"Well, there was, anyhow," said Miss Phyllis.
" And I and two other girls went to a course of
lectures at the Town Hall on literature or some-
thing of that kind. We used to have a shilling
given us for our tickets."
Precisely," said I. " A hundred pounds ! "
No, a shilling," corrected Miss Phyllis. " A
hundred pounds ! How absurd, Mr. Carter !
Well, one day I — I — "
" You 're sure you wish to go on, Phyllis ? "
asked Mrs. Hilary.
" You 're afraid, Mrs. Hilary," said I, severely.
"Nonsense, Mr. Carter. I thought Phyllis
might — "
" I don't mind going on," said Miss Phyllis,
smiling. " One day I — I lost the other girls."
" The other girls are always easy to lose," I
observed.
" And on the way there, — oh, you know, he
went to the lectures."
132
«.
THE HOUSE OPPOSITE
" The young dog," said I, nudging Hilary. " I
should think he did ! "
" On the way there it became rather — rather
f °ggy-"
"Blessings on it!' I cried; for little Miss
Phyllis's demure but roguish expression delighted
me.
"And he — he found me in the fog."
" What are you doing, Mr. Carter ? " cried
Mrs. Hilary, angrily.
"Nothing, nothing," said I. I believe I had
winked at Hilary.
" And— and we could n't find the Town Hall."
" Oh, Phyllis !" groaned Mrs. Hilary.
Little Miss Phyllis looked alarmed for a mo-
ment. Then she smiled.
" But we found the confectioner's," said she.
" The Grand Prix" said I, pointing my fore-
finger at Hilary.
" He had no money at all," said Miss Phyllis.
" It's ideal!" said I.
" And — and we had tea on — on — "
" The shilling ? " I cried in rapture.
" Yes," said little Miss Phyllis, " on the shilling.
And he saw me home."
" Details, please," said I.
Little Miss Phyllis shook her head.
" And left me at the door."
*33
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Was it still foggy ? " I asked.
"Yes. Or he wouldn't have — "
" Now what did he — ? "
" Come to the door, Mr. Carter," said Miss
Phyllis, with obvious wariness. " Oh, it was such
fun ! "
" I 'm sure it was."
" No, I mean when we were examined in the
lectures. I bought the local paper, you know,
and read it up, and I got top marks easily, and
Miss Green wrote to mother to say how well I
had done."
" It all ends most satisfactorily," I observed.
" Yes, did n't it ? " said little Miss Phyllis.
Mrs. Hilary was grave again.
" And you never told your mother, Phyllis ! "
she asked.
" N-no, Cousin Mary," said Miss Phyllis.
I rose and stood with my back to the fire.
Little Miss Phyllis took up her sock again, but
a smile still played about the corners of her
mouth.
" I wonder," said I, looking up at the ceiling,
" what happened at the door." Then, as no one
spoke, I added, —
" Pooh ! I know what happened at the door."
" I 'm not going to tell you anything more,"
said Miss Phyllis.
i34
THE HOUSE OPPOSITE
" But I should like to hear it in your own — "
Miss Phyllis was gone ! She had suddenly risen
and run from the room.
" It did happen at the door," said I.
" Fancy Phyllis ! " mused Mrs. Hilary.
"I hope," said I, "that it will be a lesson to
you.
" I shall have to keep my eye on her," said
Mrs. Hilary.
"You can't do it," said I, in easy confidence. I
had no fear of little Miss Phyllis being done out
of her recreations. " Meanwhile," I pursued,
" the important thing is this : my parallel is obvi-
ous and complete."
"There's not the least likeness," said Mrs.
Hilary, sharply.
"As a hundred pounds are to a shilling, so is
the Grand Prix to the young man opposite," I
observed, taking my hat, and holding out my hand
to Mrs. Hilary.
"I am very angry with you," she said. "You 've
made the child think there was nothing wrong in it."
" Oh ! nonsense," said I. " Look how she en-
joyed telling it."
Then, not heeding Mrs. Hilary, I launched into
an apostrophe.
" O divine House Opposite!" I cried. "Charm-
ing House Opposite ! What is a man's own dull
T 35
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
uneventful home compared with that Glorious
House Opposite ! If only I might dwell for ever
in the House Opposite ! "
" I have n't the least notion what you mean,"
remarked Mrs. Hilary, stiffly. "I suppose it's
something silly — or worse."
I looked at her in some puzzle.
e< Have you no longing for the House Op-
posite?" I asked.
Mrs. Hilary looked at me. Her eyes ceased to
be absolutely blank. She put her arm through
Hilary's and answered gently, —
" I don't want the House Opposite."
" Ah," said I, giving my hat a brush, " but
maybe you remember the House- — when it was
Opposite ? "
Mrs. Hilary, one arm still in Hilary's gave me
her hand.
She blushed and smiled.
" Well," said she, " it was your fault : so I
won't scold Phyllis."
" No, don't, my dear," said Hilary, with a laugh.
As for me, I went downstairs, and, in absence
of mind, bade my cabman drive to the House
Opposite. But I have never got there.
136
XVII
A QUICK CHANGE
]HY not go with Archie?" I asked,
spreading out my hands.
" It will be dull enough, any-
how," said Dolly, fretfully. " Be-
sides, it 's awfully bourgeois to go
to the theatre with one's husband."
" Bourgeois" I observed, " is an epithet which
the riff-raff apply to what is respectable, and the
aristocracy to what is decent."
" But it 's not a nice thing to be, all the same,"
said Dolly, who is impervious to the most pene-
trating remark.
"You're in no danger of it," I hastened to
assure her.
" How should you describe me, then ? " she
asked, leaning forward, with a smile.
" I should describe you, Lady Mickleham," I
replied discreetly, " as being a little lower than the
angels."
Dolly's smile was almost a laugh as she asked.
" How much lower, please, Mr. Carter ? "
"Just by the depth of your dimples," said I,
thoughtlessly.
i37
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Dolly became immensely grave.
" I thought," said she, " that we never men-
tioned them now, Mr. Carter."
" Did we ever ? ' I asked innocently.
" I seemed to remember once : do you recollect
being in very low spirits one evening at Monte ? "
"I remember being in very low water more than
one evening there."
"Yes: you told me you were terribly hard up."
" There was an election in our division that
year," I remarked, " and I remitted thirty per
cent of my rents."
" You did — to M. Blanc," said Dolly. " Oh,
and you were very dreary! You said you 'd wasted
your life and your time and your opportunities."
" Oh, you must n't suppose I never have any
proper feelings," said I, complacently.
" I think you were hardly yourself."
" Do be more charitable."
" And you said that your only chance was in
gaining the affection of — "
" Surely I was not such an — so foolish ? " I
implored.
"Yes, you were. You were sitting close by
me —
" Oh, then, it does n't count," said I, rallying a
little.
" On a bench. You remember the bench ? "
138
' You were sitting close by me — on a bench
A QUICK CHANGE
" No, I don't," said I, with a kind but firm
smile.
" Not the bench ? "
" No."
Dolly looked at me, then she asked in an insin-
uating tone, —
" When did you forget it, Mr. Carter ? "
"The day you were buried," I rejoined.
"I see. Well, you said then what you could n't
possibly have meant."
" I dare say. I often did."
" That they were — "
"" That what were ? "
" Why, the — the — what we 're talking about."
" What we were — ? Oh, to be sure, the — the
blemishes ? "
" Yes, the blemishes. You said they were the
most — "
"Oh, well, it was afa$on de parler."
" I was afraid you were n't a bit sincere," said
Dolly, humbly.
"Well, judge me by yourself," said I, with a
candid air.
" But I said nothing ! " cried Dolly.
" It was incomparably the most artistic thing to
do," said I.
" I 'm sometimes afraid you don't do me justice,
Mr. Carter," remarked Dolly, with some pathos.
i39
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
I did not care to enter upon that discussion, and
a pause followed. Then Dolly, in a timid manner,
asked me, —
" Do you remember the dreadful thing that
happened the same evening ? "
" That chances to remain in my memory," I
admitted.
" I 've always thought it kind of you never to
speak of it," said she.
" It is best forgotten," said I, smiling.
" We should have said the same about any-
body," protested Dolly.
" Certainly. We were only trying to be smart,"
said I.
" And it was horribly unjust."
" I quite agree with you, Lady Mickleham."
" Besides, I did n't know anything about him
then. He had only arrived that day, you
>>
see.
" Really we were not to blame," I urged.
Oh, but does n't it seem funny ? "
A strange whirligig, no doubt," I mused.
There was a pause. Then the faintest of smiles
appeared on Dolly's face.
" He should n't have worn such clothes," she
said, as though in self-defence. " Anybody would
have looked absurd in them."
" It was all the clothes," I agreed. " Besides,
140
cc
A QUICK CHANGE
when a man does n't know a place, he always
moons about and looks — "
" Yes. Rather awkward, does n't he, Mr.
Carter ? "
" And the mere fact of his looking at you — "
" At us, please."
" Is nothing, although we made a grievance of
it at the time."
" That was very absurd of you," said Dolly.
" It was certainly unreasonable of us," said I.
" We ought to have known he was a gentleman."
" But we scouted the idea of it," said I.
" It was a most curious mistake to make," said
Dolly.
" Oh, well, it's all put right now," said I.
" Oh, Mr. Carter, do you remember mamma's
face when we described him ? "
" That was a terrible moment," said I, with a
shudder.
" I said he was — ugly/' whispered Dolly.
" And I said — something worse," murmured I.
" And mamma knew at once from our descrip-
tion that it was — "
" She saw it in a minute," said I.
" And then you went away."
" Well, I rather suppose I did," said I.
" Mamma is just a little like the Dowager some-
times," said Dolly.
141
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" There is a touch now and then," I conceded.
"And when I was introduced to him the next
day I absolutely blushed."
" I don't altogether wonder at that," I observed.
" But it was n't as if he'd heard what we were
saying."
" No ; but he 'd seen what we were doing."
" Well, what were we doing ? ' : cried Dolly,
defiantly.
" Conversing confidentially," said I.
" And a week later you went home ! "
" Just one week later," said I.
There was a long pause.
" Well, you '11 take me to the theatre ? " asked
Dolly, with something which, if I were so dis-
posed, I might consider a sigh.
" I 've seen the piece twice," said I.
" How tiresome of you ! You 've seen every-
thing twice."
" I 've seen some things much oftener," I
observed.
" I '11 get a nice girl for you to talk to, and I '11
have a young man."
" I don't want my girl to be too nice" I
observed.
" She shall be pretty," said Dolly, generously.
" I don't mind if I do come with you," said I.
" What becomes of Archie ?"
142
A QUICK CHANGE
"He's going to take his mother and sisters to
the Albert Hall."
My face brightened.
" I am unreasonable," I admitted.
" Sometimes you are," said Dolly.
" I have much to be thankful for. Have you
ever observed a small boy eat a penny ice ? "
"Of course I have," said Dolly.
" What does he do when he's finished it ? "
" Stops, I suppose."
"On the contrary," said I, "he licks the glass."
" Yes, he does," said Dolly, meditatively.
" It's not so bad, — licking the glass," said I.
Dolly stood opposite me, smiling. At this mo-
ment Archie entered. He had been working at
his lathe. He is very fond of making things
which he does n't want, and then giving them to
people who have no use for them.
" How are you, old chap ?" he began. " I 've
just finished an uncommon pretty — "
He stopped, paralysed by a cry from Dolly, —
" Archie, what in the world are you wearing ? "
I turned a startled gaze upon Archie.
" It's just an old suit I routed out," said he,
apologetically.
I looked at Dolly ; her eyes were close shut,
and she gasped, —
" My dear, dear boy, go and change it ! "
143
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I don't see why it's not — "
" Go and change it, if you love me," besought
Dolly.
" Oh, all right."
" You look hideous in it," she said, her eyes
still shut.
Archie, who is very docile, withdrew. A guilty
silence reigned for some moments. Then Dolly
opened her eyes.
" It was the suit," she said, with a shudder.
" Oh, how it all came back to me ! "
" I could wish," I observed, taking my hat,
"that it would all come back to me."
" I wonder if you mean that ! "
" As much as I ever did," said I, earnestly.
" And that is — ?"
" Quite enough."
" How tiresome you are ! ' she said, turning
away with a smile.
Outside I met Archie in another suit.
" A quick change, eh, my boy ? " said he.
" It took just a week," I remarked absently.
Archie stared.
144
XVIII
A SLIGHT MISTAKE
DON'T ask you for more than a
guinea," said Mrs. Hilary, with
a parade of forbearance.
" It would be the same," I re-
plied politely, " if you asked me
for a thousand ; " with which I
handed her half-a-crown. She held it in her open
hand, regarding it scornfully.
" Yes," I continued, taking a seat, " I feel that
pecuniary gifts — "
" Half-a-crown ! "
"Are a poor substitute for personal service.
May not I accompany you to the ceremony ? '
" I dare say you spent as much as this on wine
with your lunch ! "
** I was in a mad mood to-day," I answered
apologetically. " What are they taught at the
school ? "
" Above all, to be good girls," said Mrs. Hilary,
earnestly. " What are you sneering at, Mr.
Carter ? "
IO
i4S
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Nothing," said I, hastily, and I added with a
sigh, " I suppose it 's all right."
" I should like," said Mrs. Hilary, meditatively,
" if I had not other duties, to dedicate my life to
the service of girls."
" I should think twice about that, if I were you,"
said I, shaking my head.
" By the way, Mr. Carter, I don't know if I Ve
ever spoken unkindly of Lady Mickleham. I
hope not."
" Hope," said I, "is not yet taxed."
" If I have, I 'm very sorry. She 's been most
kind in undertaking to give away the prizes to-day.
There must be some good in her."
" Oh, don't be hasty ! " I implored.
" I always wanted to think well of her."
" Ah ! Now I never did."
" And Lord Mickleham is coming, too. He '11
be most useful."
" That settles it," I exclaimed. " I may not be
an earl, but I have a perfect right to be useful.
I '11 go too."
" I wonder if you '11 behave properly," said
Mrs. Hilary, doubtfully.
I held out a half-sovereign, three half-crowns,
and a shilling.
" Oh, well, you may come, since Hilary can't,"
said Mrs. Hilary.
146
A SLIGHT MISTAKE
"You mean he won't," I observed.
" He has always been prevented hitherto," said
she, with dignity.
So I went, and it proved a most agreeable expe-
dition. There were two hundred girls in blue
frocks and white aprons (the girl three from the
end of the fifth row was decidedly pretty) — a nice
lot of prize books — the Micklehams (Dolly in de-
mure black), ourselves, and the matron. All went
well. Dolly gave away the prizes ; Mrs. Hilary
and Archie made little speeches. Then the matron
came to me. I was sitting modestly at the back
of the platform, a little distance behind the others.
" Mr. Musgrave," said the matron to me,
" we 're so glad to see you here at last. Won't
you say a few words ? "
" It would be a privilege," I responded cordially,
"but unhappily I have a sore throat."
The matron (who was a most respectable
woman) said, " Dear, dear ! " but did not press the
point. Evidently, however, she liked me, for
when we went to have a cup of tea, she got me in
a corner and began to tell me all about the work.
It was extremely interesting. Then the matron
observed, —
" And what an angel Mrs. Musgrave is ! "
" Well, I should hardly call her that," said h
with a smile.
147
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
<c
Oh, you mustn't depreciate her, — you, of all
men ! ' cried the matron, with a somewhat pon-
derous archness. " Really I envy you her constant
society."
" I assure you," said I, " I see very little of
her."
" I beg your pardon ? "
" I only go to the house about once a fortnight
— Oh, it's not my fault. She won't have me
there oftener."
" What do you mean ? I beg your pardon.
Perhaps I've touched on a painful — ?"
" Not at all, not at all," said I, suavely. " It is
very natural. I am neither young nor handsome,
Mrs. Wiggins. I am not complaining."
The matron gazed at me.
" Only seeing her here," I pursued, " you have
no idea of what she is at home. She has chosen
to forbid me to come to her house — "
" Her house ? "
" It happens to be more hers than mine," I
explained. " To forbid me, I say, more than once
to come to her house. No doubt she had her
reasons."
" Nothing could justify it," said the matron,
directing a wondering glance at Mrs. Hilary.
" Do not let us blame her," said I. " It is just
an unfortunate accident. She is not as fond of me
148
A SLIGHT MISTAKE
as I could wish, Mrs. Wiggins ; and she is a great
deal fonder than I could wish of — "
I broke off. Mrs. Hilary was walking towards
us. I think she was pleased to see me getting on
so well with the matron, for she was smiling pleas-
antly. The matron wore a bewildered expression.
" I suppose," said Mrs. Hilary, " that you '11
drive back with the Micklehams ? "
" Unless you want me," said I, keeping a watch-
ful eye on the matron.
"Oh, I don't want you," said Mrs. Hilary,
lightly.
" You won't be alone this evening ? " I asked
anxiously.
Mrs. Hilary stared a little.
" Oh, no ! ' : she said. " We shall have our
usual party."
" May I come one day next week ? " I asked
humbly.
Mrs. Hilary thought for a moment.
" I 'm so busy next week ; come the week
after," said she, giving me her hand.
" That 's very unkind," said I.
" Nonsense ! " said Mrs. Hilary, and she
added, " Mind you let me know when you 're
coming."
c I won't surprise you," I assured her, with a
covert glance at the matron.
149
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
The excellent woman was quite red in the face,
and could gasp out nothing but " Good-by," as
Mrs. Hilary affectionately pressed her hand.
At this moment Dolly came up. She was alone.
" Where 's Archie ? " I asked.
" He 's run away ; he 's got to meet somebody.
I knew you 'd see me home. Mrs. Hilary didn't
want you, of course?"
"Of course not," said I, plaintively.
" Besides, you 'd rather come with me, would n't
you ? " pursued Dolly, and she added pleasantly
to the matron, " Mrs. Hilary 's so down on him,
you know."
" I 'd much rather come with you," said I.
" We '11 have a cosy drive all to ourselves," said
Dolly, " without husbands or wives or anything
horrid. Is n't it nice to get rid of one's husband
sometimes, Mrs. Wiggins ? "
" I have the misfortune to be a widow, Lady
Mickleham," said Mrs. Wiggins.
Dolly's eye rested upon her with an interested
expression. I knew that she was about to ask
Mrs. Wiggins whether she liked the condition of
life, and I interposed hastily, with a sigh, —
" But you can look back on a happy marriage,
Mrs. Wiggins? "
" I did my best to make it so," said she,
stiffly.
150
A SLIGHT MISTAKE
"You're right," said I. "Even in the face of
unkindness we should strive — "
" My husband 's not unkind," said Dolly.
" I did n't mean your husband," said I.
" What your poor wife would do if she cared a
button for you, I don't know," observed Dolly.
" If I had a wife who cared for me, I should be
a better man," said I, solemnly.
" But you 'd probably be very dull," said Dolly.
" And you would n't be allowed to drive with me."
"Perhaps it's all for the best," said I, brighten-
ing up. " Good-by, Mrs. Wiggins."
Dolly walked on. Mrs. Wiggins held my hand
for a moment.
" Young man," said she, sternly, " are you sure
it 's not your own fault ? "
" I 'm not at all sure, Mrs. Wiggins," said I
" But don't be distressed about it. It 's of no
consequence. I don't let it make me unhappy.
Good-by ; so many thanks. Charming girls you
have here — especially that one in the fifth — I
mean, charming, all of them. Good-by."
I hastened to the carriage. Mrs.Wiggins stood
and watched. I got in and sat down by Dolly.
"Oh, Mrs. Wiggins," said Dolly, dimpling,
"don't tell Mrs. Hilary that Archie wasn't with
us, or we shall get into trouble." And she added
to me, " Are you all right ? "
J 5*
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Rather ! " said I, appreciatively ; and we drove
off, leaving Mrs. Wiggins on the door-step.
A fortnight later I went to call on Mrs. Hilary.
After some conversation she remarked, —
" I 'm going to the school again to-morrow."
"Really!" said I.
" And I 'm so delighted — I 've persuaded
Hilary to come."
She paused, and then added, —
You really seemed interested last time."
Oh, I was."
"Would you like to come again to-morrow ? "
" No, I think not, thanks," said I, carelessly.
" That 's just like you ! ' she said severely.
" You never do any real good, because you
never stick to anything."
" There are some things one can't stick to,"
said I.
" Oh, nonsense ! " said Mrs. Hilary.
But there are — and I did n't go.
152
XIX
THE OTHER LADY
|Y the merest chance," I observed
meditatively, "I attended a recep-
tion last night."
" I went to three," said Lady
Mickleham, selecting a sardine-
sandwich with care.
I might not have gone," I mused. " I might
easily not have gone."
" I can't see what difference it would make if
you had n't," said she.
" I thought three times about going. It 's a
curious world."
What happened ? You may smoke, you
cc
((
know."
" I fell in love," said I, lighting a cigarette.
Lady Mickleham placed her feet on the fender
— it was a chilly afternoon — and turned her face
to me, shielding it from the fire with her hand-
kerchief.
" Men of your age," she remarked, " have no
business to be thinking of such things."
i53
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I was not thinking of it," said I. " I was
thinking of going home. Then I was introduced
to her."
" And you stayed a little, I suppose ? "
" I stayed two hours — or two minutes ; I for-
get which ; " and I added, nodding my head at
Lady Mickleham, " There was something irresisti-
ble about me last night."
Lady Mickleham laughed.
" You seem very pleased with yourself," she
said, reaching for a fan to replace the handker-
chief.
" Yes, take care of your complexion," said I,
approvingly. " She has a lovely complexion."
Lady Mickleham laid down the fan.
I am very pleased with myself," I continued.
She was delighted with me."
I suppose you talked nonsense to her."
" I have not the least idea what I talked to her.
It was quite immaterial. The language of the
eyes —
" Oh, you might be a boy ! "
" I was," said I, nodding again.
There was a long silence. Dolly looked at me ;
I looked at the fire. I did not, however, see the
fire. I saw something quite different.
" She liked me very much," I observed, stretch-
ing my hands out towards the blaze.
i54
St
cc
Ilrt-wi^' I («.<U.Jtt ' X-^_ v
You seem very pleased with yourself;' said Dolly
THE OTHER LADY
" You absurd old man ! " said Dolly. " Was
she very charming ? "
"She was perfect."
" How ? Clever ? "
I waved my hand impatiently.
" Pretty, Mr. Carter ? "
" Why, of course ; the prettiest creature I ever
— But that goes without saying."
" It would have gone better without saying,"
remarked Dolly. "Considering — "
To have asked " Considering what ? ' would
have been the acme of bad taste. I merely smiled,
and waved my hand again.
" You 're quite serious about it, are n't you ? "
said Dolly.
" I should think I was," said I, indignantly.
" Not to be serious in such a matter is to waste
it utterly."
"I '11 come to the wedding," said Dolly.
" There won't be a wedding," said I. " There
are Reasons."
" Oh ! You 're very unlucky, Mr. Carter."
" That," I observed, " is as it may be, Lady
Mickleham."
" Were the Reasons at the reception ? "
They were. It made no difference."
It's very curious," remarked Dolly, with
compassionate air, " that you always manage
i5S
cc
a
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
to admire people whom somebody else has
married."
" It would be very curious," I rejoined, " if
somebody had not married the people whom I
admire. Last night, though, I made nothing of
his sudden removal : my fancy rioted in accidental
deaths for him."
" He won't die," said Dolly.
" I hate that sort of superstition," said I, irritably.
" He 's just as likely to die as any other man is."
" He certainly won't die," said Dolly.
"Well, I know he won't. Do let it alone,"
said I, much exasperated. It was probably only
kindness, but Dolly suddenly turned her eyes
away from me and fixed them on the fire ; she took
the fan up again and twirled it in her hand ; a
queer little smile bent her lips.
" I hope the poor man won't die," said Dolly,
in a low voice.
" If he had died last night ! " I cried longingly.
Then, with a regretful shrug of my shoulders, I
added, " Let him live now to the crack of doom ! "
Somehow this restored my good humour. I rose
and stood with my back to the fire, stretching my-
self and sighing luxuriously. Dolly leant back in
her chair and laughed at me.
" Do you expect to be forgiven ? " she asked.
" No, no," said I ; " I had too good an excuse."
156
THE OTHER LADY
" I wish I 'd been there — at the reception, I
mean."
" I 'm extremely glad you were n't, Lady
Mickleham. As it was, I forgot all my troubles."
Dolly is not resentful ; she did not mind the
implied description. She leant back, smiling still.
I sighed again, smiled at Dolly, and took my hat.
Then I turned to the mirror over the mantelpiece,
arranged my necktie, and gave my hair a touch.
"No one," 1 observed, "can afford to neglect
the niceties of the toilet. Those dainty little curls
on the forehead — "
" You 've had none there for ten years," cried
Lady Mickleham.
" I did not mean my forehead," said I.
Sighing once again, I held out my hand to
Dolly.
" Are you doing anything this evening ? " she
asked.
" That depends on what I 'm asked to do," said
I, cautiously.
" Well, Archie 's going to be at the House, and
I thought you might take me to the Phaetons'
party. It's quite a long drive — a horribly long
drive, Mr. Carter."
I stood for a moment considering this proposal.
"I don't think," said I, "that it would be
proper."
i57
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Why, Archie suggested it ! You 're making
an excuse. You know you are ! " and Lady
Mickleham looked very indignant. " As if," she
added scornfully, " you cared about what was
proper ! "
I dropped into a chair, and said in a confidential
tone, " I don't care a pin. It was a mere excuse.
I don't want to come."
" You 're very rude, indeed. Many women
would never speak to you again."
"They would," said I, "all do just as you
will."
" And what 's that, Mr. Carter? "
" Ask me again on the first opportunity."
" Why won't you come ? " said Dolly, waiving
this question.
I bent forward, holding my hat in my left hand,
and sawing the air with my right forefinger.
"You fail to allow," said I, impressively, "for
the rejuvenescence which recent events have pro-
duced in me. If I came with you this evening I
should be quite capable — " I paused.
" Of anything dreadful ? " asked Dolly.
"Of paying you pronounced attentions," said I,
gravely.
" That," said Dolly, with equal gravity, " would
be very regrettable. It would be unjust to me —
and very insulting to her, Mr. Carter."
158
THE OTHER LADY
"It would be the finest testimonial to her," I
cried.
"And you'll spend the evening thinking of
her?" asked Dolly.
" I shall get through the evening," said I, " in
the best way I can." And I smiled contentedly.
" What 's her husband? " asked Dolly, suddenly.
" Her husband," I rejoined, " is nothing at all."
Dolly, receiving this answer, looked at me with
a pathetic air.
" It 's not quite fair," she observed. " Do you
know what I 'm thinking about, Mr. Carter ? "
" Certainly I do, Lady Mickleham. You are
thinking that you would like to meet me for the
first time."
" Not at all. I was thinking that it would be
amusing if you met me for the first time."
I said nothing. Dolly rose and walked to the
window. She swung the tassel of the blind and it
bumped against the window. The failing sun
caught her ruddy brown hair. There were curls
on .her forehead, too.
" It's a grand world," said I. " And, after all,
one can grow old very gradually."
" You 're not really old," said Dolly, with the
fleetest glance at me. A glance should not be
over-long.
Gradually and disgracefully," I murmured.
J 59
«
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" If you met me for the first time — " said
Dolly, swinging the tassel.
" By Heaven, it should be the last ! ' I cried,
and I rose to my feet.
Dolly let the tassel go, and made me a very
pretty curtsey.
" I am going to another party to-night," said I,
nodding my head significantly.
" Ah ! " said Dolly.
" And I shall again," I pursued, " spend my
time with the prettiest woman in the room."
" Shall you ? " asked Dolly, smiling.
"I am a very fortunate fellow," I observed.
"And as for Mrs. Hilary, she may say what she
likes."
"Oh, does Mrs. Hilary know the — Other
Lady ? "
I walked towards the door.
There is," said I, laying my hand on the door,
no Other Lady."
" I shall get there about eleven," said Dolly.
160
XX
A LIFE SUBSCRIPTION
NEVER quite know," said Mrs.
Hilary, taking up her embroidery,
" what you mean when you talk
about love."
"No more do I," I admitted,
stroking the cat.
" If you mean that you dedicate to a woman
your whole life — "
" And more than half your income."
Mrs. Hilary laid down the embroidery, and
observed, as though she were concluding the
discussion, —
" The fact is, you don't know what real love is."
" I never met anyone who did," said I.
Mrs. Hilary opened her mouth.
" At least they could never tell me what it was,"
I added hastily.
Mrs. Hilary resumed the embroidery.
" Now the other day," I continued, " my friend
Major Camperton married his cook."
"What for?" cried Mrs. Hilary.
Because his wife was dead," said I.
u 161
a
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" That 's not a reason."
" You must admit that it 's an excuse," I
pleaded.
Mrs. Hilary, taking no notice of my apology,
made a thoughtful stitch or two. Then she
observed, —
" I was never in love with any man except
Hilary."
" You 're always boasting of that : I suppose it
was difficult ? "
"But once I was awfully — but if I tell you,
you '11 talk about it."
Upon my honour I won't."
You will — to Lady Mickleham."
Lady Mickleham takes no interest in you,"
said I.
" Well, once I was awfully tempted. It was
before I knew Hilary."
" But after you knew me ? " I suggested.
" Don't be absurd," said Mrs. Hilary. " He
was very rich — rather handsome too."
" I have always persisted in maintaining that
you were human," I observed complacently.
" I think," said she, gazing at me, " that you
are the most earthly man I ever knew."
"Go on with the story," said I, taking the cat
on my knee.
" And he was really very fond of me."
162
" Are n t sou ever going to marry ? "
A LIFE SUBSCRIPTION
" Oh, so he said."
" But — well, I might have, if he had n't."
" Oh, I understand ; at least I hope so."
" I mean he would n't talk about anything else."
" I suppose he saw nothing else in you."
" That was what I felt. Good looks are n't
everything."
"Were you good-looking?" I inquired.
Mrs. Hilary showed signs of being about to
take up her embroidery.
" All right : Hilary is n't here," said I, in
excuse.
" I hated it. I wanted to be — ' : She paused.
" What 's in a word? Say ' esteemed.' "
" Yes — for something more than that."
" So you would n't have anything to say to him ? "
" No. I was so glad — afterwards."
" And what 's become of him ? "
" Oh, he's married."
" It 's a just world. Now lots of those immoral
writers would have rewarded him with perpetual
bachelorhood."
Mrs. Hilary pushed her embroidery quite far
off, and leant forward towards me.
" Are n't you ever going to marry ? " she asked.
" Marriages are made in heaven," said I. Mrs.
Hilary nodded approvingly. " I thought of wait-
ing till I got there," I added.
163
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
«
Oh," said Mrs. Hilary. And she added, " I
know a really charming girl."
" You cruel woman ! Would you doom her to
me r
" You 'd be all right," said Mrs. Hilary, "if you
could be removed from — "
" Certain influences," I suggested hastily. " But
for Hilary you also would be a pleasant woman."
" There 's not the least comparison," said she,
with a flush.
" There 's always a comparison," I observed.
" What are we talking about ? "
Now Mrs. Hilary could not, as I well knew,
answer this question.
" Well, I 'm very sorry about it," she said.
" A romance," said I, " is a thing to be cherished."
" I can 't think it 's right," said Mrs. Hilary.
" To remember — to be proud of."
" I don't want to be hard about it," murmured
Mrs. Hilary.
" To be taken — "
" Seriously ? Yes, of course, or it 's worse
than — "
" To be taken," said I, "between meals."
Mrs. Hilary leapt to her feet.
" Or else you know," I added, " it would spoil
dinner."
Mrs. Hilary was very angry ; but she was also
164
A LIFE SUBSCRIPTION
a little curious. The latter emotion was more
powerful.
" I wonder," said she, " what you do really feel
about — "
" What ? "
" It," said Mrs. Hilary.
"Am I in the confessional ? "
To my delight a smile lurked round Mrs.
Hilary's lips.
" You think," she said, " that I don't under-
stand it. Well, I do a little. She 's been here."
" Has she, though ? What was she doing
here? "
" Oh, coaxing," said Mrs. Hilary. " She wanted
a subscription from Hilary."
I was much interested.
Were you present at the interview?" I asked.
ct Yes," said Mrs. Hilary. " She got the sub-
scription, Mr. Carter, — a larger one than Hilary
could afford."
" I have given her a larger one than I could
afford."
The rare smile still twitched round Mrs.
Hilary's mouth.
" What do you think Hilary did when she 'd
gone ? " she asked.
" I should think he felt a fool," said I.
" He apologised," said Mrs. Hilary.
165
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
I laughed. Mrs. Hilary laughed reluctantly.
" Guileless creature ! " I observed.
" Oh, you need n't do that ! " she said, with k
slight flush. " Shall I tell you what he did after-
wards ? "
" Lord, I know that well enough ! "
" I 'm sure you don't."
" Gave you a new bonnet, of course."
I believe that Mrs. Hilary was annoyed ; for
she said quite sulkily, —
" It was a bracelet."
" I told you so," I observed.
" He'd have given it me anyhow," she cried.
" Not he ! " said I.
He 'd meant to, before," said she. " He said
Cf
SO.
I smiled ; but I did not wish to make mischief,
so I added, " The subscription was, of course,
civility."
" That 's all, of course. Still it is funny, is n't
it ? "
" Perhaps it is rather."
There was a pause.
" Do you care to meet that girl ? " asked Mrs.
Hilary.
N-no," said I.
I would give you one more chance," she said
generously.
166
- Llijijler L tlN5+y 1'JJi*
" Oh, mine 's a life subscriptio?! "
A LIFE SUBSCRIPTION
" Thank you. I 'm still subscribing," I an-
swered. " No bracelets for me."
"We laughed about it when she was gone.
Hilary was amused at himself."
" I have experienced the feeling," I observed.
" I wonder if I ought to tell you what he called
her?"
" Probably not. Go on."
" He said she was an insinuating little — "
" Why do you hesitate, Mrs. Hilary ? "
" Devil" said Mrs. Hilary, almost under her
breath.
" Ah ! " said I, setting the cat down, and reach-
ing for my hat.
" Yes, devil," said Mrs. Hilary, more coura-
geously.
"And what did he say you were ?" I asked.
Oh, nothing," said Mrs. Hilary, blushing.
Then you and Hilary are friends again ?"
" I did n't mind in the least," declared Mrs.
Hilary. " Only it 's curious — "
I began to laugh. I enjoy a chance of laughing
at Mrs. Hilary.
" We are all much indebted to her," said I ;
" some for a bracelet — "
" Nonsense !"
" Some for a momentary emotion — "
" He did n't feel even that."
167
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Some for a life-long — Dear me, how late it
grows ! I must be off." And I held out my
hand. As I did so, Hilary entered.
" By the way, Carter," said he, when he saw me,
" what 's that society Lady Mickleham collects for?
She got something out of me. I hope it 's not a
fraud."
" I hope not," said I.
"Because I 've given her a trifle."
" So have I," I remarked.
" A donation, you know."
" Oh, mine 's a life subscription," said I.
" Oh, go away," said Mrs. Hilary, impatiently.
" Well, you 've got nothing else to do with your
money," said Hilary. " You Ve not got a wife
and family."
"That is, of course," said I, " the explanation."
Then Mrs. Hilary drove me out. She 'd have
done it sooner only that in her heart she credits
me with a tragedy.
168
XXI
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
INFORTUNATELY it was
Sunday ; therefore the gardeners
could not be ordered to shift the
long row of flower-pots from the
side of the terrace next the house,
where Dolly had ordered them
to be put, to the side remote from the house,
where Dolly now wished them to stand. Yet Dolly
could not think of living with the pots where they
were till Monday. It would kill her, she said.
So Archie left the cool shade of the great trees,
where Dolly sat doing nothing, and Nellie Phaeton
sat splicing the gig whip, and I lay in a deck-chair,
with something iced beside me. Outside, the sun
was broiling hot, and poor Archie mopped his
brow at every weary journey across the broad
terrace.
"It's a burnin' shame, Dolly," said Miss
Phaeton. " I would n't do it if I were him."
" Oh, yes, you would, dear," said Dolly. " The
pots looked atrocious on that side."
169
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
I took a long sip from my glass, and observed
in a meditative tone, —
" There, but for the grace of woman, goes
Samuel Travers Carter."
Dolly's lazy lids half lifted. Miss Phaeton
mumbled (her mouth was full of twine), —
" What do you mean ? "
" Nemo omnibus horis sapit" said I, apologetically.
" I don't know what that means either."
" Nemo — everybody," I translated, " sapit —
has been in love — omnibus — once — horis — at
least."
" Oh, and you mean she would n't have you ? ''
asked Nellie, with blunt directness.
" Not quite that," said I. " They — "
" They ? " murmured Dolly, with half-lifted lids.
" They" I pursued, " regretfully recognised my
impossibility. Hence I am not carrying pots
across a broad terrace under a hot sun."
" Why did they think you impossible? " asked
Miss Phaeton, who takes much interest in this
sort of question.
" A variety of reasons : for one I was too clever,
for another too stupid ; for others too good — or
too bad ; too serious — or too frivolous ; too poor
or —
"Well, no one objected to your money, I sup-
pose ? " interrupted Nellie.
170
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
" Pardon me. I was about to say c or not rich
h> >>
.
" But that 's the same thing."
" The antithesis is certainly imperfect," I
admitted.
" Mr. Gay," said Nellie, introducing the name
with some timidity, "you know who I mean ? —
the poet — once said to me that man was essentially
imperfect until he was married."
"It is true," I agreed. "And woman until she
is dead."
" I don't think he meant it quite in that sense,"
said Nellie, rather puzzled.
" I don't think he meant it in any sense," mur-
mured Dolly, a little unkindly.
We might have gone on talking in this idle
way for ever so long had not Archie at this point
dropped a large flower-pot and smashed it to bits.
He stood looking at the bits for a moment, and
then came towards us and sank into a chair.
" I 'm off! " he announced.
"And half are on one side, and half on the
other," said Dolly, regretfully.
A sudden impulse seized me. I got up, put on
my straw hat, took off my coat, walked out into
the sun, and began to move flower-pots across the
broad terrace. I heard a laugh from Archie, a
little cry from Dolly, and from Nellie Phaeton,
171
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"Goodness! what's he doin' that for?" I was
not turned from my purpose. The luncheon bell
rang. Miss Phaeton, whip and twine in hand,
walked into the house. Archie followed her,
saying as he passed that he hoped I should n't find
it warm. I went on shifting the flower-pots.
They were very heavy. I broke two, but I went
on. Presently Dolly put up her parasol and came
out from the shade to watch me. She stood there
for a moment or two. Then she said, —
" Well, do you think you 'd like it, Mr.
Carter? "
" Wait till I 've finished," said I, waving my
hand.
Another ten minutes saw the end of my task.
Panting and hot, I sought the shade, and flung
myself on to my deck-chair again. I also lit a
cigarette.
"I think they looked better on the other side,
after all," said Dolly, meditatively.
" Of course you do," said I, urbanely. " You
needn't tell me that."
" Perhaps you 'd like to move them back," she
suggested.
"No," said I. "I've done enough to create
the impression."
" And how did you like it? "
" It was," said I, " in its way a pleasant enough
172
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
illusion." And I shrugged my shoulders, and
blew a ring of smoke.
To my very considerable gratification, Dolly's
tone manifested some annoyance as she asked, —
" Why do you say l in its way ' ? "
" Because, in spite of the momentary pleasure I
gained from feeling myself a married man, I could
not banish the idea that we should not permanently
suit one another."
" Oh, you thought that ? " said Dolly, smiling
again.
" I must confess it," said I. "The fault, I
know, would be mine."
" I 'm sure of that," said Dolly.
" But the fact is that I can 't exist in too high
altitudes. The rarefaction of the moral atmos-
phere — "
" Please don't use all those long words."
"Well, then, to put it plainly," said I, with a
pleasant smile, " I felt all the time that Mrs.
Hilary would be too good for me."
It is not very often that it falls to my humble
lot to startle Lady Mickleham out of her com-
posure. But at this point she sat up quite straight
in her chair; her cheeks flushed, and her eyelids
ceased to droop in indolent insouciance.
" Mrs. Hilary ! "she said. " What has Mrs.
Hilary—?"
i73
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I really thought you understood," said I,
" the object of my experiment."
Dolly glanced at me. I believe that my ex-
pression was absolutely innocent — and I am, of
course, sure that hers expressed mere surprise.
" I thought," she said, after a pause, " that you
were thinking of Nellie Phaeton."
"Oh, I see," cried I, smiling. "A natural
mistake, to be sure ! "
" She thought so too," pursued Dolly, biting
her lip.
" Did she, though ? "
"And I'm sure she'd be quite annoyed if she
thought you were thinking of Mrs. Hilary."
"As a matter of fact," I observed, " she didn't
understand what I was doing at all."
Dolly leant back. The relics of a frown still
dwelt on her brow ; presently, however, she began
to swing her hat on her forefinger, and she threw
a look at me. I immediately looked up towards
the branches above my head.
" We might as well go in to lunch," said
Dolly.
" By all means," I acquiesced, with alacrity.
We went out into the sunshine, and came where
the pots were. Suddenly Dolly said, —
" Go back and sit down again, Mr. Carter."
" I want my lunch," I ventured to observe.
i74
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
" Do as I tell you," said Dolly, stamping her
foot ; whereat, much intimidated, I went back, and
stretched myself once more on the deck-chair.
Dolly approached a flower-pot. She stooped
down, exerted her strength, lifted it, and carried it,
not without effort, across the terrace. Again she
did the like. I sat smoking and watching. She
lifted a third pot, but dropped it halfway. Then,
dusting her hands against one another, she came
back slowly into the shade and sat down. I made
no remark. Dolly glanced at me.
" Well ? " she said.
" Woman — woman — woman ! " said I, sadly.
" Must I carry some more ? " asked Dolly, in a
humble yet protesting tone.
" Mrs. Hilary," I began, " is an exceedingly
attractive — "
Dolly rose with a sigh.
" Where are you going ? " I asked.
" More pots," said Dolly, standing opposite me.
" I must go on, you see."
" Till when, Lady Mickleham ? "
" Till you tell the truth," said Dolly, and she
suddenly burst into a little laugh.
"Woman — woman — woman!" said I again.
" Let 's go in to lunch."
" I 'm going to carry the pots," said Dolly.
"It's awfully hot, Mr. Carter — and look at my
poor hands !" 175
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
She held them out to me.
" Lunch ! " said I.
" Pots ! " said Dolly, with infinite firmness.
The window of the dining-room opened and
Archie put his head out.
" Come along, you two," he called. " Every-
thing 's getting cold."
Dolly turned an appealing glance on me.
" How obstinate you are!" she said. "You
know perfectly well — "
I began to walk towards the house.
" I 'm going in to lunch," said I.
" Ask them to keep some for me," said Dolly,
and she turned up the sleeves of her gown till her
wrists were free.
" It's most unfair," said I, indignantly.
" I don't care if it is," said Dolly, stooping
down to lift a pot.
I watched her strain to lift it. She had chosen
the largest and heaviest ; she sighed delicately and
delicately she panted. She also looked at her
hands, and held them up for me to see the lines
of brown on the pink. I put my hands in my
pockets and said most sulkily, as I turned away
towards the house, —
" All right. It was n't Mrs. Hilary, then."
Dolly rose up, seized me by the arm, and made
me run to the house.
176
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
" Mr. Carter," she cried, " would stop for those
wretched pots. He's moved all except two, but
he's broken three. Is n't he stupid ? "
"You are an old ass, Carter," said Archie.
" I believe you 're right, Archie," said I.
12 177
XXII
A FATAL OBSTACLE
HAT I can't make out," I
H observed (addressing myself to
Lady Jane), " is why women
don't fall in love with me. I 'm
all a man should be, and a rea-
sonable number of things that
he should n't."
Lady Jane always tries to be polite.
" Perhaps it 's just that you don't find it out,"
she suggested after a moment's consideration.
"I shall adopt that view," said I, cordially. " It
will add a spice to the most formal greeting."
" It '11 make you do awfully silly things," re-
marked Dolly, with an air of experience.
Lady Jane was looking thoughtful. " Mamma
says love comes with marriage," she went on
presently.
"Yes, generally," I assented. "Not," I added,
turning to Dolly, " that three in a brougham is
really comfortable, you know."
" One has to invite him sometimes," Dolly
murmured.
178
A FATAL OBSTACLE
"Oh, but I 'm sure mamma meant — "
" Mamma meant that you 'd been flirting with
the curate, Jane."
"Dorothea dear!" gasped Lady Jane.
"The secret of love lies, I suppose, in unselfish-
ness." (I threw out the suggestion in a tentative
way.)
" That 's what makes Archie such a good hus-
band," said Dolly.
"It must, of course, exist on both sides, Lady
Mickleham."
"Oh, no, that's tiresome. It's like getting
through the door, — nobody '11 go first."
" True. You spend all your time trying to be
allowed to do what you don't want to do ; and the
other party does the same."
" Mr. Shenton says that the power of sympathy
is the real secret of it." Mr. Shenton, by the way,
is the curate.
I glanced at Dolly and shook my head ; she
nodded approvingly. Thus buttressed, I re-
marked deliberately, —
"The power of sympathy has wrecked far more
homes than it has — er — blessed. I would, on
the whole, back it against the Victoria Cross."
"I think I could love a man just for being
good," mused Lady Jane.
"Oh, you impossible kind of an old dear!"
179
cc
cc
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
Dolly gurgled affectionately. " Besides, that 's no
use to poor Mr. Carter."
"I am not sovery bad," said I. "Come now,
we'll run through my vices and — "
" I think I forgot to water that fern," said Lady
Jane, rather suddenly.
" There was once a governess — ' I began,
thinking to beguile Dolly's leisure with the story.
Lady Jane had left us.
" I know about that. Mrs. Hilary told me."
Then you're quite friends now?"
Not particularly, but one must talk about
something. — There was another girl in love with
you once, too."
"Why not have told me at the time? I should
have enjoyed it."
" I mustn't tell you her name."
I did not speak for a moment.
" Well, then, it was Agatha Hornton."
" Agatha Martin that is ? "
" I suppose she thought that, as you were hope-
less " (Dolly was seeming a good deal amused at
something), " she might as well marry Captain
Martin."
"One can be unhappy without being absurd,"
said I, rather crossly. " Dear, dear ! c Having
known me, to decline — '"
" Decline ? I did n't say she absolutely asked
you!" 180
"She used to bore me awfully about you'
A FATAL OBSTACLE
" I wish you would read a little poetry some-
times. Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Was she very fond of me ? "
" She thought you handsome" said Dolly, con-
clusively.
"It was a grande -passion ? '
" Oh, no. She 'd been very well brought up.
But she just adored you."
"She was a nice girl, — a thoroughly nice girl.
I never thought much of Martin. Ugly fellow,
>>
too.
" She used to bore me awfully about you. You
see, I was her great friend, and she knew she could
trust me."
" Not to give her away? "
" Yes," said Dolly, gently caressing the Japan-
ese pug that the Admiral Commanding on the
Pacific Station has recently sent her.
" It 's beautiful how you women stand by one
another," I observed. " What was it that particu-
larly attracted her in me ? "
" I reallv cannot think," said Dolly ; " any
more than I can think what attracted — ■ Oh, do
you mind ringing the bell ? It 's Fushahima's
tea-time."
" I wish she took it a minute later," said I, as I
obeyed. " Martin was a very dull chap, you
know."
181
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Something seems to have set you thinking of
Captain Martin."
" I met them all coming back from church (they
were coming back, I mean) a Sunday or two ago.
Four, are n't there ? "
" Five. Three girls and two boys."
" Getting big too, are n't they ? "
" Fine children, Mr. Carter," observed Dolly,
cheerfully.
" She was certainly a clever girl — in those
days."
" Ah, in those days ! " Dolly murmured with
an indulgent smile, — one that means you can go
on if you like, but that you are obviously rather
foolish.
" Idyllic happiness," said I, resuming my seat,
" comes to very few of us, Lady Mickleham."
" Well, one marries, or something, you see."
" There is, of course, one 's career."
" Archie 's quite keen on being an Under-
Secretary."
" I may not understand, but I am willing to
admire. Why did n't the girl encourage me ? I
expect that 's all I wanted."
" Well, what do you mean by encouragement ? "
asked Dolly, pulling Fushahima's ears ; she is
always alive to the artistic value of the brute
creation.
182
A FATAL OBSTACLE
" What I mean by it is conveying, how-
ever delicately, that I was the only man in the
world she ever did or ever could care for.
Is n't that what you used to mean by it, Lady
Mickleham ? "
" You can take Fushahima, Pattern," said Dolly.
"Yes, my lady."
" Not too much cream in her milk."
" Very good, my lady."
" What were you saying, Mr. Carter ? '
" I forget, my lady."
There was a moment's silence — sometimes there
should be.
Then I took my tea and stood on the hearth-
rug, drinking it.
" Solitude, I believe, has its consolations, when
one looks at other people's families. Besides, it 's
surprising the number of little luxuries I get for
nothing."
" For nothing ? "
" Well, out of Mrs. Carter's dress-allowance.
It 's quite moderate, — only four hundred a year, —
but it keeps a cab, and buys a little drawing, per-
haps, and so on. It 's a great comfort, I assure
you."
Dolly began to laugh gently.
" She 'd have exceeded it, and I never do more
than anticipate it," I pursued.
183
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
«
I 've sometimes wondered at your extrava-
gance."
" Ah, well, you understand it now."
" Did the allowance include frocks for the
girls ? "
" Pray curb your imagination, Lady Mickle-
ham."
" You quite shuddered ! "
" I had visions of short stiff frocks and lono-
black stockings — like a family group at the Royal
Academy — all legs and innocence, you know."
" Yes, and all named Carter ! " sighed Dolly,
with a commiserating air.
" You don't like the name ? "
" Not much."
I looked at Dolly. I think we must have
smiled.
" I might have known there was some such
reason," said I.
" I do wonder what 's become of Jane, and why
they don't bring Fushahima back," said Dolly.
" It's always a comfort to get at the real reason
of anything. Now if my name had been Vavas-
our — or — "
" I don't mind * Mr. Carter ' so much, but
' Mrs. Carter' sounds horrible," Dolly explained.
" Girls being, as we all know, in the habit of
writing the competing names in conjunction with
184
A FATAL OBSTACLE
their own Christian names on the backs of en-
velopes and the fly-leaves of library books, in
order to see how they look, I can well understand
that if it came to a choice between Carter and — "
At this point, before I had fully developed my
remark, Lady Jane came back. She sometimes
does by accident what the Dowager would do on
purpose. Heredity, I imagine.
" I 've been thinking about it," said Lady Jane,
" and I 'm quite sure it 's goodness of heart."
" A fatal obstacle ! " I said, shaking my head
despondently.
" Another ! " murmured Dolly, with a lift of
her brows.
" Shining through, you know, Mr. Carter,"
added Lady Jane.
" I really don't see the use of continuing the
conversation."
"You must encourage him, Dorothea," said
Lady Jane, with a smile.
Dolly laughed ; I won't swear she did n't blush
just a trifle.
" Oh, I 've given up trying to do that long ago,
Jane dear," said she.
' She used to succeed far too well, you know.
Oh, but pray allow me to hand you a cup of tea."
I went away soon afterwards. I had to pay a
call — on the Martins.
185
XXIII
THE CURATE'S BUMP
|HAT is the harm ? " I asked at
lunch, "in being fat?" and I
looked round the table.
I had led up to this subject be-
cause something which fell from
Mrs. Hilary Musgrave the other
day led me to suppose that I might appear to be
growing stouter than I used to be.
" It does n't matter in a man," said Nellie
Phaeton.
" That," I observed, " is merely part of the
favourite pretence of your sex."
And what 's that, Mr. Carter ? " asked Dolly.
That you 're indifferent to a pleasing appear-
ance in man. It won't go down."
" It would if you ate less," said Dolly, wilfully
misunderstanding me.
" Napoleon was fat," remarked Archie ; he is
studying history.
" Mamma is rather fat," said Lady Jane, break-
ing a long silence ; her tone seemed to imply that
it was a graceful concession on the Dowager's part.
186
u
THE CURATE'S BUMP
" I should n't say you ever had much of a
figure," observed Dolly, gazing at me dispassion-
ately.
" Mamma," resumed Lady Jane, with an amia-
ble desire to give me useful information, " drinks
nothing but lemonade. I make it hot for her
and — "
" I should like to do that," said I, longingly.
"It's the simplest thing in the world," cried
Lady Jane. " You can do it for yourself. You
just take — "
" A pretty girl," I murmured absently. "I —
I beg your pardon, Lady Jane. You see, Miss
Phaeton is opposite and my thoughts wandered."
" It 's no use talkin' sensibly where you are," said
Miss Nellie, very severely, and she rose from the
table.
" Won 't anyone have any rice pudding ? "
asked Archie, appealingly.
"If I were a camel I would," said I.
" Why a camel, Mr. Carter ? " asked Lady
Jane.
" A camel, Lady Jane, is so constructed that it
could keep one exclusively for rice pudding."
" One what, Mr. Carter ? "
I strolled to the window, where Dolly stood
looking out.
" Dear Jane ! " said Dolly. " She never sees
anything." 187
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I wish there were more like her," said I, cor-
dially. " She does n't inherit it from her mother,
though."
" No, the Dowager sees a great deal more than
there is there," laughed Dolly, glancing at me.
" But fortunately," said I, " not all there is in
other places."
"Mamma says — " we heard Lady Jane re-
marking at the table. We strolled out into the
garden.
" Now, is n't that provoking ? ' cried Dolly.
" They have n't rolled the tennis lawn, and the
people will be here directly."
" Shall I ask Archie to ask somebody to get
somebody ? "
" They 've all gone to dinner, I expect. Sup-
pose you roll it, Mr. Carter. It'll be so good
for you. Exercise is what you want."
" Exercise is, no doubt, what I need," said I,
doubtfully eying the roller.
" It 's the same thing," said Dolly.
" It 's an Eternal Antithesis," said I, taking off
my coat.
I began to roll. Dolly stood watching me for
a moment. Then she went indoors. I went on
rolling. Presently, raising my eyes from my task,
I found the curate looking on ; he was in flannels
and carried a racket.
188
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THE CURATE'S BUMP
" Although," I observed to the curate, " I have
convinced my reason that there is no harm in
being fat, yet, sooner than be fat, I roll. Can
you explain that?"
" Reason is not everything," said the curate.
"Your cloth obliges you to that," said I,
suspiciously.
"I'm in flannels to-day," enjoined the curate,
with a smile.
I liked that. I loosed my hold of the roller
and took the curate's arm. We began to walk
up and down.
"There is also," said I, " romance! '
"There's little enough of that for most of
us," said the curate.
" There has been too much for some of us,"
I returned. " But the lawn is smooth where the
roller has been. The bumps — the pleasant
bumps — are gone."
"They spoilt the game," observed the curate.
" They made the game," said I, frowning a
little.
There was silence for a minute. Then the
curate asked, —
" Is Lady Jane going to play to-day ? '
" I seemed like Fate with that roller," said I.
" Or like Time."
The curate smiled absently.
189
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Or like Morality," I pursued.
The curate smiled indulgently ; he was in
flannels, good man.
" As to Lady Jane," said I, recollecting myself,
" I don't know."
" It 's of no consequence," murmured the
curate.
At once I knew that it was of consequence —
to the curate. But my thoughts drifted in another
direction, and, when I emerged from the reverie, I
saw Lady Jane and the curate strolling together
on the lawn, and Lady Mickleham approaching
me in a white gown ; she carried a red parasol.
" Archie and Nellie will be out directly," said
she, " and then you can begin."
" They can," said I, putting on my coat and
lighting a cigarette.
" Look at that poor dear man with Jane ! ' ex-
claimed Dolly. " Now should you have thought
that Jane was the sort of person to — ? '
" Everybody," said I, " is the sort of person —
if the other person is."
" Of course he knows it 's hopeless. The
Dowager would n't hear of it."
" Really ? And she hears of so many things ! "
Dolly, after a contemptuous glance, began to
inspect the lawn. I retired into the shade and sat
down. Lady Jane and the curate strolled a little
190
THE CURATE'S BUMP
further off. Presently I was roused by an accus-
ing cry from Dolly.
" She's found a bump," said I to myself, shak-
ing my head.
" You can never do things properly," said
Dolly, walking up to me.
" I certainly can't do many things in the way I
should prefer," I admitted.
" You 've left a great bump in the middle of the
Court."
My eyes strayed from Dolly to Lady Jane and
the curate, and thence back to Dolly.
" It 's not my bump," said I ; " it 's the curate's."
" You 're getting into the habit," remarked
Dolly, " of being unintelligible. I 'm sure there 's
nothing clever in it. I met a man the other day
who said he never understood what you meant."
c * You'd understand if you 'd stayed; why did
you go away ? "
" To change," answered Dolly.
I was pleased.
" It's an old trick of yours," said I.
" What did you mean by the bump being the
curate's ? " asked Dolly, returning to the point.
I entered into an explanation. There was
plenty of time ; the curate and Lady Jane were
strolling, the click of billiard balls through the
open windows accounted for Nellie and Archie.
191
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" I see," said Dolly. " Poor man ! Do you
think he 'd like it left ? "
I walked leisurely towards the roller, Dolly
following me.
" If it were my bump," said I, laying hold of
the roller, and looking at Lady Mickleham.
Lady Mickleham smiled — under protest. It is
a good enough variety'^of smile.
" If it were my bump," said I, " I should re-
duce it — so — and so again,"and twice I passed the
roller gently over the bump.
"It's awfully small now," said Dolly; and her
voice sounded regretful.
" It's not so large as it was," said I, cheerfully.
Dolly let down her parasol with a jerk.
"You 're horribly disagreeable to-day," she said.
I leant on the handle of the roller and smiled.
" You 're very rude and — and — '
" Nobody," said I, " likes to be told that he has
no figure."
"You are an Apollo, Mr. Carter," said Dolly.
That was handsome enough.
" I would let it alone, if it were my bump,"
said I. " Hang these rollers ! "
" It is your bump," said Dolly.
As she spoke Archie came out of the billiard
room. Lady Jane and the curate hastened to join
us. Archie inspected the lawn.
192
LhrUt
I
" You are an Apollo, Mr. Carter "
THE CURATE'S BUMP
" Why, it 's been rolled ! " he cried.
" I rolled it," said I, proudly.
"Jove!" said Archie. "Hullo, though, old
chap, you have n't been over here."
He had found the bump.
" I have been over there," said I, " oftener than
anywhere else."
" Give me the — "
" Now, Archie, do begin to play," said Dolly,
suddenly.
" Oh, well, one does n't hurt," said Archie.
" It won't hurt much," said the curate ; upon
which I smiled at Lady Jane.
" What is it, Mr. Carter ? " she asked.
" He 's so right, you know," said I.
13 193
XXIV
ONE WAY IN
HAD a very curious dream the
other night. In fact, I dreamt
that I was dead. I passed
through a green baize door and
found myself in a small square
room. Opposite me was another
door, inscribed " Elysian Fields," and in front of
it, at a large table with a raised ledge, sat Rhada-
manthus. As I entered, I saw a graceful figure
vanish through the door opposite.
It 's no use trying to deceive me," I observed.
That was Mrs. Hilary, I think ; if you don't
mind, I '11 join her."
"I'm afraid I must trouble you to take a seat
for a few moments, Mr. Carter," said Rhadaman-
thus, " while I run over your little account."
"Any formalities which are usual," I murmured
politely, as I sat down.
Rhadamanthus turned over the leaves of a large
book.
" Carter — Samuel Travers, is n't it ? " he asked.
194
cc
ONE WAY IN
(C
cc
Yes. For goodness' sake don't confuse me
with Vincent Carter. He only paid five shillings
in the pound."
" Your case presents some peculiar features,
Mr. Carter," said Rhadamanthus. " I hope I
am not censorious, but — well, that fine at Bow-
street?"
" I was a mere boy," said I, with some warmth,
and my solicitor grossly mismanaged the case."
Well, well ! " said he, soothingly. " But
have n't you spent a great deal of time at Monte
Carlo ? "
"A man must be somewhere," said I.
Rhadamanthus scratched his nose.
" I should have wasted the money anyhow," I
added.
" I suppose you would," he conceded. " But
what of this caveat lodged by the Dowager Lady
Mickleham ? That 's rather serious, you know ;
is n't it now — joking apart ? "
" I am disappointed," I remarked, " to find a
man of your experience paying any attention to
such an ill-natured old woman."
" We have our rules," he replied, " and I 'm
afraid, Mr. Carter, that until that caveat is
removed — "
" You don't mean that ? "
" Really, I 'm afraid so."
*95
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
"Then I may as well go back," said I, taking
my hat.
At this moment there was a knock at the door.
"Although I can't oblige you with an order
of admission," said Rhadamanthus, very civilly,
"perhaps it would amuse you to listen to a case
or two. There 's no hurry, you know. You 've
got lots of time before you."
"It will be an extremely interesting experience,"
said I, sitting down again.
The door opened, and, as I expected (I don't
know why, but it happens like that in dreams),
Dolly Mickleham came in. She did not seem to
see me. She bowed to Rhadamanthus, smiled,
and took a chair immediately opposite the table.
"Mickleham — Dorothea — Countess of — "
she said.
"Formerly, I think, Dolly Foster?" asked
Rhadamanthus.
" I don't see what that 's got to do with it,"
said Dolly.
" The account runs on," he explained, and
began to consult his big book. Dolly leant back
in her chair, slowly peeling off her gloves. Rhada-
manthus shut the book with a bang.
" It 's not the least use," he said decisively.
" It would n't be kind to pretend that it was, Lady
Mickleham."
196
ONE WAY IN
" Dear, dear ! " said Dolly. " What 's the
matter ? "
" Half the women in London have petitioned
against you."
" Have they really ? " cried Dolly, to all
appearance rather delighted. " What do they
say, Mr. Rhadamanthus ? Is it in that book ?
Let me look." And she held out her hand.
" The book 's too heavy for you to hold," said
he.
" I '11 come round," said Dolly. So she went
round and leant over his shoulder and read the
book.
"What's that scent you've got on?" asked
Rhadamanthus.
" Bouquet du diable," said she. (I had never
heard of the perfume before.) " Is n't it sweet ? "
" I have n't smelt it since I was a boy," sighed
Rhadamanthus.
" Poor old thing ! " said Dolly. " I 'm not
going to read all this, you know." And, with a
somewhat contemptuous smile, she walked back to
her chair. " They ought to be ashamed of them-
selves," she added, as she sat down. " It 's just
because I 'm not a fright."
"Aren't you a fright?" asked Rhadamanthus.
"Where are my spectacles?"
He put them on and looked at Dolly.
197
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
a
I must go in, you know," said Dolly, smiling
at Rhadamanthus. " My husband has gone in ! "
" I should n't have thought you 'd consider that
conclusive," said he, with a touch of satire in his
tone.
" Don't be horrid," said Dolly, pouting.
There was a pause. Rhadamanthus examined
Dolly through his spectacles.
" This is a very painful duty," said he, at last.
" I have sat here for a great many years, and I
have seldom had a more painful duty."
" It 's very absurd of you," said Dolly.
I can't help it, though," said, he.
Do you really mean that I 'm not to go in ? "
" I do, indeed," said Rhadamanthus.
t Dolly rose. She leant her arms on the raised
ledge which ran along the table, and she leant her
chin on her hands.
" Really ? " she said.
" Really," said he, looking the other way.
A sudden change came over Dolly's face. Her
dimples vanished : her eyes grew pathetic and
began to shine rather than to sparkle : her lip
quivered just a little.
" You 're very unkind," she said in an extremely
low tone. " I had no idea you would be so
unkind."
Rhadamanthus seemed very uncomfortable.
198
ONE WAY IN
" Don't do that," he said quite sharply, fidget-
ing with the blotting-paper.
Dolly began to move slowly round the table.
Rhadamanthus sat still. When she was standing
close by him, she put her hand lightly on his arm
and said, —
" Please do, Mr. Rhadamanthus."
"It's as much as my place is worth," he
grumbled.
Dolly's eyes shone still, but the faintest little
smile began to play about her mouth.
" Some day," she said (with total inappropriate-
ness, now I come to think of it, though it did not
strike me so at the time), " you '11 be glad to re-
member having done a kind thing. When you 're
old — because you are not really old now — you
will say, c I 'm glad I didn't send poor Dolly
Mickleham away crying.' "
Rhadamanthus uttered an inarticulate sound, —
half impatience, half, I fancy, something else.
" We are none of us perfect, I dare say. If I
asked vour wife — "
J
' I have n't got a wife," said Rhadamanthus.
" That 's why you 're so hard-hearted," said
Dolly. " A man who 's got a wife is never hard
on other women."
There was another pause. Then Rhadamanthus,
looking straight at the blotting-paper, said, —
199
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
" Oh, well, don't bother me. Be off with
you ; " and as he spoke, the door behind him
opened.
Dolly's face broke out into sudden sunshine.
Her eyes danced, her dimples capered over her
chin.
" Oh, you old dear ! " she cried ; and, stooping
swiftly, she kissed Rhadamanthus. " You 're
horribly bristly ! " she laughed ; and then, before
he could move, she ran through the door.
I rose from my seat, taking my hat and stick in
my hand. I felt, as you may suppose, that I had
been there long enough. When I moved,
Rhadamanthus looked up, and with an attempt at
unconsciousness observed, —
"We will proceed with your case now, if you
please, Mr. Carter."
I looked him full in the face. Rhadaman-
thus blushed. I pursued my way towards the
door.
" Stop ! " he said, in a blustering tone. " You
can't go there, you know."
I smiled significantly.
" Is n't it rather too late for that sort of thing ? "
I asked. " You seem to forget that I have been
here for the last quarter of an hour."
" I did n't know she was going to do it," he
protested.
200
ONE WAY IN
" Oh, of course," said I, " that will be your
story. Mine, however, I shall tell in my own
way."
Rhadamanthus blushed again. Evidently he
felt that he was in a delicate position. We were
standing thus, facing one another, when the door
began to open again, and Dolly put her head out.
" Oh, it's you, is it? " she said. " I thought I
heard your voice. Come along and help me to
find Archie."
" This gentleman says I 'm not to come in,"
said I.
" Oh, what nonsense ! Now, you really must n't
be silly, Mr. Rhadamanthus — or I shall have to
— Mr. Carter, you were n't there, were you ? '
" I was — and a more interesting piece of scan-
dal it has seldom been — "
"Hush! I didn't do anything. Now, you
know I didn't, Mr. Carter!"
"No," said I, "you didn't. But Rhadaman-
thus, taking you unawares — "
" Oh, be off with you — both of you ! " cried
Rhadamanthus.
"That's sensible," said Dolly. " Because, you
know, there really is n't any harm in poor Mr.
Carter."
Rhadamanthus vanished. Dolly and I went
inside.
20I
THE DOLLY DIALOGUES
cc
I suppose everything will be very different
here," said Dolly, and I think she sighed.
Whether it were or not I don't know, for just
then I awoke, and found myself saying aloud, in
answer to the dream-voice and the dream-face
(which had not gone altogether with the dream),
"Not everything," — a speech that, I agree, I
ought not to have made, even though it were only
in a dream.
202
1
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