MOTHEKS AND SONS
 
 MOTHEES AND SONS 
 
 OR 
 
 PROBLEMS 
 
 IN THE 
 
 HOME TRAINING OF BOYS 
 
 BY 
 
 Rev. the Hon. E. LYTTELTON" 
 
 HEADMASTER OF HAILEYBDRY COLLEGE 
 
 De meme que la mere doime a son enfant sa premiere nourriture 
 physique, de meine elle est instituee de Dieu pour lui donner sa 
 premiere nourriture spirituelle.— Pestalozzi. 
 
 HonUan 
 
 MACMILLAN AND CO., Limited 
 
 NEW YORK : THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 
 1905 
 
 All rights reserved.
 
 First Edition 1892 
 
 Second Edition, January 1893 
 
 Reprinted May and December I'gs, 1895 
 
 1897, igo2, 1905
 
 TO MY WIFE
 
 PKEFACE TO SECOND EDITION 
 
 It has been pointed out to me that in 
 these chapters the duties of fathers are 
 almost wholly ignored. It is easy to 
 answer that the Addresses were given to 
 mothers, but yet I feel that the criticism 
 is not quite without point. The book, 
 though not bulky, certainly contains 
 enough in the way of solid advice to 
 suggest a very formidable set of responsi- 
 bilities apparently to be undertaken by 
 the mother alone. Indeed, it has been 
 hinted that the prospect here opened 
 out is alarming enough to deter any 
 conscientious woman from matrimony 
 altogether. 
 
 Lest my humble efforts should issue 
 in a result so fraught with peril to the
 
 VIU MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 next generation, I wish to say that there 
 is hardly a single duty hinted at, in the 
 performance of which a mother ought not 
 to be helped by the father; and that 
 wherever he is willing and able to bear 
 his share of the burden " in unity of 
 spirit, in the bond of peace, and in 
 righteousness of life," there is every 
 reason to hope that the training will 
 yield good fruit. Where the two parents 
 work together, failures are very rare. 
 But when people say that the mother's 
 influence is all -important, surely they 
 mean that as things are in this tempest- 
 uous century of ours, the father is for 
 the most part away from home, and 
 consequently that the work of training 
 the children is either undertaken by the 
 mother or by nobody. 
 
 There is nothing that England is more 
 in need of than a clear recognition of 
 home duties on the part of fathers in all 
 ranks of society ; but in the meantime
 
 PREFACE IX 
 
 my readers will pardon me for having 
 spoken to those who have shown them- 
 selves ready and eager to listen. 
 
 This edition contains, besides some 
 verbal alterations, two paragraphs of 
 additional matter, — the first beginning 
 on page 96, the second at the end of 
 Chap, v., and also Appendix II. For 
 all these I am indebted to different 
 correspondents. 
 
 E L. 
 
 Haileybvry, 189a.
 
 PREFACE TO FIRST EDITION 
 
 This book is an expansion of a lecture 
 given at Cambridge, and again at Wor- 
 cester, in 1891, and is published by 
 request. Though much has been added, 
 I have thought it advisable to keep as 
 far as possible to the original form of 
 an address. 
 
 It does not profess to be more than 
 a fragmentary contribution to a vast 
 subject. Some questions of importance 
 I have omitted altogether, either because 
 they have been adequately handled else- 
 where, or because my own experience has 
 not helped me to come to any very 
 
 definite opinion about them. 
 
 E. L. 
 
 Haileybury, November 1892.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 Introduction 
 
 
 
 1 
 
 CHAP. 
 
 
 
 
 1. A Cause of Failure 
 
 
 
 12 
 
 2. Religion 
 
 
 
 18 
 
 3. Altruism 
 
 
 
 61 
 
 4. Food 
 
 
 
 70 
 
 5. Leaving Home 
 
 
 
 90 
 
 6. Money . 
 
 
 
 107 
 
 7. Secular Teaching . 
 
 
 
 115 
 
 8. Choosing a Profession 
 
 
 
 132 
 
 9. Ideals . 
 
 
 
 145 
 
 Appendix I. — Some Small Practical Points 
 
 165 
 
 Appendix II. 
 
 
 
 168
 
 INTRODUCTION 
 
 A FEW years ago the father of an idle 
 public school-boy called upon the master 
 who was in charge of the boy's tuition, 
 to talk over his prospects and his uni- 
 formly bad "reports." In the course of 
 the interview the father said, " Well, 
 
 Mr. , I will just tell you what I've 
 
 done, and I hope you will think I have 
 acted rightly. During the holidays I 
 settled that I would give the boy, before 
 he came back to school, a good religious 
 talk ; a thing which of course I very 
 seldom do. So I called him into my 
 study and said, ' Now, Tommy, my boy, 
 I don't often talk to you about religion 
 & B
 
 2 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 and that sort of thing, but before you go 
 back to school I just want you to re- 
 member this. If you don't work at school 
 — ahem — you will go to the wall.' Now 
 don't you think I was right ? " — " Perfectly 
 right," said the schoolmaster with grave 
 emphasis. 
 
 This incident illustrates the views of 
 many men as to the real aim of a true 
 and religious education. It is to prevent 
 their boys from " going to the wall," to en- 
 able them to " get on " — in short, to make 
 money. And the story is told early in 
 this book, since it will serve to make clear 
 for what kind of parent the following 
 remarks are not intended. They are not 
 intended for those who hold the wide- 
 spread belief that methods of education 
 are to be solely judged according as they 
 tend to promote professional success in 
 after life. I have, on the contrary, tried 
 to keep in view the needs of that minority 
 of English parents who still believe that
 
 INTRODUCTION 3 
 
 the importance of education consists in 
 its effect on character, and who are 
 desirous that the characters of their sons 
 should be trained after the Christian 
 model. And if any of the following 
 hints appear likely to assist the training 
 of a boy for a particular profession, or 
 generally, for making money, this is so 
 by accident, as I have not kept that 
 object in view at all, but have tried 
 to explain clearly, if possible, certain 
 principles to be adopted and errors to 
 be avoided in the guiding of the growth 
 of a boy's character by his mother's 
 influence. Possibly I have acted foolishly 
 in thus narrowing the subject, and in 
 partly ignoring some fashionable aspira- 
 tions of the day. But among other 
 reasons I would mention that, as the 
 demand has long ago created the sup- 
 ply, you can easily get from the circu- 
 lating libraries books full of hints as 
 to the training up of boys to become
 
 4 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 successful scholars, or lawyers, or doctors : 
 there is also much printed matter likely 
 to be of use in passing a boy through 
 the Sandhurst examinations. I should 
 hesitate to enter into competition with 
 those who are the authorities on such 
 subjects, but I gather that simple 
 suggestions as to the vast and complex 
 problem set before mothers, of training 
 up boys through childhood and school 
 life to true Christian manliness, are not 
 to be got at very easily ; that a great 
 deal of bewilderment exists on the sub- 
 ject, and that since all knowledge worth 
 having is born of pain, the experience 
 of one who has suffered acutely from 
 the mistakes of mothers may be of some 
 little value. 
 
 Therefore I will ask any one who reads 
 these lectures not to be disappointed if 
 goodness is throughout assumed to be a 
 better possession than cleverness, or even 
 than bodily health. I freely admit that
 
 INTRODUCTION 5 
 
 there are two sides to the question, and 
 beyond any doubt a large number of 
 parents appear to take the opposite view. 
 But feeling the uselessness of arguing 
 on such a point, I must ask you to 
 start with the assumption, that in a 
 true education goodness is the end 
 aimed at, while the intellect and the 
 physical powers come in for their share 
 of attention, — the former because char- 
 acter can certainly be moulded through 
 it, the latter because we have no right 
 to ill-treat our own bodies. 
 
 The following hints, then, are given 
 with this one end in view. They will, 
 moreover, be negative rather than positive, 
 in that it is difficult to be positive about 
 the value of any one method in education. 
 The only thing about which one can be 
 positive is that certain methods are wrong. 
 That is to say, parents who have a genius 
 for influencing their children, seem like 
 other geniuses to be independent of
 
 6 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 methods, and all that can be said about 
 them is that they avoid certain blunders 
 into which others fall. If there were one 
 single practical rule of training which 
 they all followed, we could perhaps say 
 that there is one positive canon to be 
 laid down and obeyed. But this does 
 not appear to be the case. There are 
 positive principles undoubtedly, and they 
 need constant re-statement, but the suc- 
 cessful educationalists apply them each in 
 his own way. And even if the case were 
 quite diflferent, and there were ten or a 
 dozen plain rules which could be adopted 
 by every one, the mournful fact needs 
 to be insisted on, that whereas A would 
 carry them out with brilliant success, 
 B would so work them as to bring about 
 nothing but lamentation, mourning, and 
 woe. The right methods, in short, if 
 there are any, become baneful in the 
 hands of the wrong person : and if this 
 be thought to be a lame and impotent
 
 INTRODUCTION 7 
 
 conclusion to the whole matter, there 
 is perhaps a little comfort to be gained 
 from the counterbalancing certainty that 
 some methods are wrona; whoever uses 
 them ; and as many such methods are far 
 from obsolete, there is still something to 
 be hoped for from a treatise of this kind, 
 provided it be, as I began by saying, 
 rather negative than positive in tone. 
 
 It is, however, evident that the above- 
 mentioned primary conditions of the 
 problem are very imperfectly grasped. 
 Nothing is commoner than for one parent 
 to consult another as to what she would 
 do in certain cases : if, for instance, her 
 son were habitually rude to servants, 
 or constantly late for morning prayers. 
 Suppose the answer is somewhat as 
 follows. "Well, I really don't know 
 what I should do : my boys, I am 
 thankful to say, have never been to 
 blame in such matters. Don't you think 
 you could talk to your boy and say so
 
 8 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 and so ? " Away goes the inquiring 
 mother full of confidence, says the so 
 and so in the very words, and is sorely 
 disappointed at finding that nothing 
 comes of it. But she has omitted to 
 notice two things : first, that however 
 excellent the advice be, everything de- 
 pends on the way in which it is carried 
 out ; secondly, there is no guarantee that 
 it is excellent. Her friend only gives it 
 as relatins; to something outside of her 
 experience. 
 
 The truth is that something in one 
 parent, incommunicable to another, either 
 enables her to surmount the difficulties, 
 or prevents those difficulties from ever 
 arising. And thus it becomes clear that 
 that part of any system of training which 
 is capable of being laid down in definite 
 rules, is not so much the cause of suc- 
 cess as the outward manifestation of 
 something deeper and more inward which 
 is not to be easily learnt, but which seems
 
 INTRODUCTION 9 
 
 to be the outcome of what is called 
 strength of character in the parent. 
 
 Before we leave this point let me ask 
 you to observe that this obscurity in which 
 the education of children seems to be 
 wrapped is not a proof that there is no 
 science in the matter, but rather that we 
 are dealing with subjects of such vital 
 importance and depth, that they, for the 
 present anyhow, are beyond science. The 
 loftier the aim of education, the paler does 
 the light of science become. Supposing 
 we divide education under the following 
 heads — physical, intellectual, moral, and 
 religious. Here we have a series rising 
 in importance and grandeur. Speaking 
 roughly, we may say that the different 
 sorts of education thus classified overlap 
 each other, or are at least to some extent 
 interdependent ; but yet they mean pro- 
 cesses with different aims in view. Now 
 in the lowest class, physical education, 
 science speaks boldly and surely : not so
 
 10 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 surely as many mothers would wish, but 
 still with enough certainty to enforce a very 
 fair general obedience to her laws. Else 
 a little higher, and the subject becomes 
 more obscure and the principles of train- 
 ing far less definite. We know less about 
 the intellect than we do about the body ; 
 we know fairly well the penalties that 
 follow on disobedience to the laws of 
 diet ; but we are ^ir from clear as to the 
 loss incurred through ignorance of the 
 laws of intellectual development. And 
 yet these latter are more accurately made 
 out than the subtle laws of moral growth. 
 To train a boy in unselfishness is vastly 
 more difficult than to train his memory, 
 and in my humble opinion vastly more 
 important. And yet even this problem 
 is simple compared with the task of 
 bringing him to a constant and effec- 
 tual sense of dependence on an unseen 
 God. Therefore, do not suppose that 
 the subject of these addresses, the
 
 INTRODUCTION 11 
 
 moral and religious training of boys, 
 ought to be put on one side or left to 
 chance because the rules belonging to 
 it are not determined, since this fact is 
 apparently a symptom of the greatness 
 of the issues which are at stake ; or, 
 in other words, it indicates the necessity 
 for proceeding cautiously, not for turning 
 away from the subject altogether. And 
 as already hinted, science goes quite far 
 enough to show us that some methods 
 are wrong ; and with that much of 
 certainty we can at any rate console 
 ourselves for the dimness of the atmo- 
 sphere through which the right path 
 seems to lie.
 
 CHAPTEE I 
 
 A CAUSE OF FAILURE 
 
 The mother's influence should certainly 
 be at its strongest during the early years 
 of her son's life. And yet it not un- 
 frequently is spoilt by the time he has 
 reached the age of fourteen. It happens 
 to me sometimes to be talking with a 
 parent who has come down to the school 
 to look after an unsatisfactory son. In 
 all that she says of him I can see how 
 anxious and thoughtful and truly good 
 she is, and I wonder to myself what 
 can be the reason that her control over 
 him is so slight. Perhaps at this juncture 
 he comes into the room, and in a moment
 
 CHAP. I 
 
 A CAUSE OF FAILURE 13 
 
 the mystery is solved. Almost before 
 she has greeted him, she charges him 
 with having inked his collar or smashed 
 his hat, or she assumes he will be late 
 for breakfast next morning. In short, 
 to use the expressive monosyllable, she 
 "nass" him. And if she does so till 
 the poor lad begins to blush and look 
 sheepish in the presence of a stranger, 
 what must have been going on during 
 all the years of childhood at home? 
 Now the fact must be faced that little 
 boys are often irritating people to live 
 with. And it occasionally happens that 
 the mother's equanimity is imperilled 
 merely because of the persistency in little 
 tricks which is often ingrained in healthy 
 childhood. It is easy to talk of compel- 
 ling your son to obedience, and always 
 with serenity, but if he will drum on the 
 table with his knuckles at the same 
 moment of dinner every day, or make 
 a noise just outside the nursery door
 
 14 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 when the baby is having his midday sleep, 
 something must be done, and speedily. 
 It seems absurd to treat as moral ofi'ences 
 what are well - known concomitants of 
 growth, and yet the alternative of leaving 
 them alone can hardly be recommended. 
 Well, the first thing to be sure of is that 
 if you " nag," you will lose your influence 
 without curing the annoyance ; the reason 
 of this being that very often the boy is 
 labouring to cure himself of the very 
 thing for which you scold him. Especi- 
 ally is this true of the feckless boy. He 
 may have much determination, but it will 
 be years before he is quite rid of feckless- 
 ness ; and meantime, how can you expect 
 him to continue in his effort if you give 
 him no credit for it ? or what will he 
 think of your insight if you fail to take 
 note of his fitful resolutions ? Your 
 business is to set yourself to see the 
 beginnings of good in him, and it is ex- 
 ceedingly probable that these very annoy-
 
 I A CAUSE OF FAILURE 15 
 
 ances are the outcome of a vigorous 
 vitality, one of tlie most precious endow- 
 ments any one can be blessed with in 
 early life. 
 
 However irritating they may be, to 
 "nag" about trifles is very foolish, because 
 you want your powder and shot for other 
 things. As to the general problem, the 
 only recommendation that can be made 
 is, first, to settle what you mean to stop ; 
 make it then a matter of obedience, and 
 come down upon the violation of your 
 order sharply and promptly. The worst 
 " naggers " are those who make ofi'ences 
 out of things perfectly innocent to the 
 child, simply because they exasperate the 
 elders. No rebuke should be administered 
 (unless the thoughtlessness is positively 
 culpable) except when there has been dis- 
 obedience. But " nagging " is worse than 
 foolish. It is the indication of a failure 
 of love, and if the mother's love ever 
 fails, whence is the boy to learn the idea
 
 16 MOTHERS AND SONS hhap. 
 
 of the love of (tocI ? 'Jliat is why an 
 opinion I have heard maintained that it 
 is good for the mother of growing boys 
 to have " a bit of a temper," is so 
 dangerously false. She may have as 
 much as she likes if it is never displayed ; 
 the effort of self-control will give her the 
 kind of strength that is required. But 
 any display of temper, no matter how 
 keen the exasperation has been, is a 
 weakening of the bond, and the immediate 
 conquest will be paid for hereafter, with 
 compound interest. Again, it is an in- 
 dication of littleness of mind, and a 
 narrow horizon. Is it not perfectly certain 
 that little buys — indeed big ones too — 
 may be nothing short of nuisances in the 
 house and outside of it, and yet be grow- 
 ing into fine men ? I have heard of a 
 mother who never rebuked or checked 
 her numerous sons in all their oddities 
 from the nursery onwards, but let them 
 freely mix with grown-up people, and
 
 I A CAUSE OF FAILURE 17 
 
 display the most amazing behaviour. 
 What happened ? They have grown up 
 to be part of the salt of the earth, and 
 to combine, to an uncommon degree, 
 goodness and popularity. I do not ask 
 you to follow this lady's example, for 
 many people's nerves would be found 
 unequal to the task. But do remember 
 that you are training your small son to 
 be a man. Before you revile him, think 
 of what you want him to be twenty or 
 thirty years hence. Or better still, try 
 not to forget that it is for eternal life 
 that you profess to be bringing him up, 
 and ask yourself, in view of what is 
 coming, if these little annoyances ought 
 to upset the balance of your mind. A 
 mother who often ponders on eternity 
 will never " nag." 
 
 a
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 RELIGION 
 
 It is customary for those educationalists 
 who offer suggestions on this inconceiv- 
 ably difficult question to treat of such 
 matters as the teaching of private prayer, 
 Bible stories, Sunday observance, and so 
 forth. I should not find it hard to 
 formulate a dozen precepts on these 
 subjects which might suit some children 
 fairly well. But is it not abundantly 
 clear that all this is on the surface, and 
 a mere dallying with the real question ? 
 What we want to know is when and how 
 can the religious instinct, the sense of
 
 CHAP. II RELIGION 19 
 
 dependence on an unseen God, be said 
 to grow ? 
 
 Now it is passing strange that this 
 question, which goes to the root of the 
 matter, should be often left undecided, 
 and even undiscussed, by English and 
 German writers on education. But what- 
 ever the cause is, we find as a matter of 
 fact that the whole subject is wrapped 
 up in almost impenetrable darkness ; that 
 kind of darkness which allows one writer 
 to assume that the religious instinct in 
 boys is wholly dormant ; another, that it 
 is exceedingly active ; while those most 
 interested in such problems seem to be 
 hardly aware that there is a contradiction. 
 Let me place before you two extracts to 
 make my meaning clear. 
 
 " In the matter of religion I believe 
 boys are unlike girls. A girl's conduct 
 is influenced by her religious convictions 
 and emotions. Not so a boy. Althouo'h 
 his religious conviction may be deep and
 
 20 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 growing, it grows side by side with very 
 grave faults. ... It seems to be a law 
 of a boy's being that his religious life 
 must be left in obscurity. We must not 
 attempt to sound its depths or draw it 
 forth by emotions. A girl's emotions 
 lie near the surface ; they are easily 
 called out, and as easily calmed. But 
 if the depths of a boy's religious life are 
 stirred into emotion, it is a great risk, 
 and we may do incalculable harm."^ 
 
 Now contrast with this point of view 
 the folio win 2^ account of a oreat relioious 
 educator. " Ce n'etaient la pourtant que 
 les moyens ordinaires de I'education chre- 
 tienne. Si puissants qu'ils fussent et si 
 admirables leurs resultats, il n'en croyait 
 pas necessaire de recourir, en de certains 
 moments determines, a ces ressources ex- 
 traordinaires qui se nomment les retraites. 
 ' II ne faut pas s'imaginer, en effet,' disait- 
 
 ^ stray Papers on Education, by B. H., pp. 30, 31, 2nd 
 edition.
 
 II RELIGION 21 
 
 il, ' que des enfants de douze a quinze et 
 viugt ans n'aient pas leurs miseres morales, 
 n'aient pas a lutter quelquefois prodigi- 
 eusement pour se conserver bons et purs, 
 et que les secours ordinaires d'une bonne 
 maison d'education, si nombreux qu'ils 
 soient, suffisent pour les proteger toujours, 
 et dispensent de recourir a ce grand et 
 exceptionnel moyen de conversion et de 
 sanctification qui se nomme une retraite. 
 II jetait done a de certaines epoques, avec 
 une haute intelligence encore des besoins 
 religieux des enfants, et de I'effet a pro- 
 duire sur eux par ces retraites, a travers le 
 train accoutume de leur vie, cette forte et 
 puissante secousse religieuse afin de frap- 
 per un grand coup sur leurs 4mes, briser 
 enfin leurs funestes habitudes, les arracher 
 violemment au mal, et les remettre ener- 
 giquement dans le bien." ^ 
 
 It may be said that the first writer is 
 
 ^ Vie de Mgr. Dupanloup, Lagrange, vol. i. p. 171, 6th 
 edition. Paris.
 
 22 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 speaking of English, the second of French 
 
 boys. But that explains nothing, unless 
 
 we assume that the English are naturally 
 
 far less religious than the French — a very 
 
 questionable proposition indeed. Again, 
 
 to take the evidence of practical English 
 
 teachers, we find the majority of sermons 
 
 preached to schoolboys deal enormously 
 
 more in moral exhortation than in religious 
 
 appeal. It is widely if tacitly felt that 
 
 the motiv^es which touch them are those 
 
 of rectitude and conscience, not those 
 
 which assume the sense of the Unseen 
 
 Presence. On the other hand, a minority 
 
 would be found who would adopt a totally 
 
 contrary method. Some few parents bring 
 
 their children, quite young, into church, 
 
 to be present, without communicating, at 
 
 the Eucharist, in order that their incipient 
 
 sense of God's presence may be fostered. 
 
 Canon Knox Little recommends this in 
 
 his book on the Christian home. And 
 
 in some parishes it is systematically
 
 11 RELIGION 23 
 
 done by the clergy. Again, while some 
 parents speak of their little children's vivid 
 realisation of spiritual facts, an eminent 
 psychologist speaks as if this realisation 
 only began dimly and feebly about fifteen 
 or sixteen years of age. Now, without 
 expressing any opinion on these practices 
 and theories, or on the beliefs that under- 
 lie them, I wish to draw your attention 
 to the astonishing bewilderment and per- 
 plexity which are here betrayed. How- 
 ever true it be that many people doubt 
 the existence of deep religious feeling 
 in any one, yet there remains a large 
 number of parents who agree in assuming 
 some sense of Divine things in children. 
 Is it not then remarkable that in respect 
 of this religious sense and its growth, 
 which all of these would acknowledge 
 to be a question of the utmost import-- 
 ance, no attempt at a definite agreement 
 should have been, as far as we know, 
 ever made ? If the question is not of
 
 24 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 importance, then the religious observances 
 in education are useless ; but so long 
 as they exist we have a right to ask 
 what is the assumption that is made 
 about the boys' intelligence in these 
 matters. 
 
 Perhaps the truth is that every one 
 judges first from his own history, and 
 secondly from that of any children he may 
 know well. And each man's history is 
 peculiar, and the children he may know 
 probably diff"er from each other. Nor 
 must you expect me as a schoolmaster 
 to be able to give any light. You see 
 the question is not what boys are at six- 
 teen, — I should myself say they were 
 mostly irreligious at that age, — but 
 whether the instinct which seems to 
 exist in early childhood might not be 
 kept alive by proper treatment till six- 
 teen, and on through life. Schoolmasters 
 know pretty well that it is not so kept 
 alive, but as to the potentialities of
 
 II 
 
 RELIGION 25 
 
 childhood in this respect we are — or 
 ought to be — in the attitude of learners. 
 Moreover, the diflferences between boys 
 who grow up to be eminent examples 
 of virtue and deeply religious men are 
 wide enough to warn us against any 
 generalisations. At the age when Cardi- 
 nal Newman was writing sermonettes, 
 John Lawrence was getting into row 
 upon row at Haileybury, and we have 
 all read of saints who betrayed a purely 
 mundane spirit in their teens, though 
 the strength of character could generally 
 be detected, and was in some cases con- 
 spicuous. 
 
 Such puzzling facts as these have given 
 rise to the idea that as true holiness is 
 the work of the Holy Spirit, and cannot 
 be foreseen or produced by man, so the 
 aim of an educationalist should naturally 
 be to foster a sound moral tone through 
 boyhood, and to trust to the supernatural 
 influences operating later on the well-
 
 26 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 prepared soil. But this is an abandon- 
 ment of the particular problem under 
 discussion, viz. the when and how of 
 the growth of the relig;ious instiuct. It 
 virtually assumes the late growth of this 
 instinct, and we are far too ignorant at 
 present to be justified in making any such 
 assumption. Nor is it at all true to say 
 that whatever be the assumption, the prac- 
 tice will not vary. It does vary very 
 considerably, according as parents mean 
 to aim merely at good conduct through a 
 certain minimum of religious observance, 
 or, on the other hand, strive to maintain 
 in the child a constant sense of an 
 Unseen Presence. The difference in the 
 practice, to say nothing of the spirit 
 of the two sorts of training, will be 
 very clearly marked ; and I venture to 
 think there are tolerably visible differ- 
 ences in the results. 
 
 This being so, can anything definitely 
 be affirmed? A great deal can be
 
 II RELIGION 27 
 
 affirmed dejQuitely enough, but not of 
 a nature to command reasonable at- 
 tention, unless it be by one who has 
 devoted a close and peculiar study to 
 the psychology of children between three 
 and ten years of age. For some mys- 
 terious reason the utterances of the 
 professed psychologists on this point are 
 fragmentary and unsatisfying. In J. 
 Sully's massive volume on the " out- 
 lines "(!) of this science, out of nearly 
 700 pages less than one is devoted to 
 the religious sentiment. The only re- 
 mark concerning our question to be 
 found in that page is to the effect 
 that "religious feeling takes its rise in 
 close connection with moral discipline." 
 The author in a note cites two learned 
 Germans, Volkmann and Wundt, and 
 adds, " The former views the emotion 
 as distinct from the moral in its origin 
 and early development : the latter finds 
 its source in the moral feelings." There
 
 28 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 seems, in short, to exist among educa- 
 tionalists a sort of nervous hesitation 
 about touching on the subject, owing 
 to a misgiving that the average parent 
 would resent their words as idle or 
 impertinent, and would probably prefer 
 a treatise on training the memory or 
 the digestion : and if this is their view 
 of what parents expect from them, I 
 hesitate to say they are mistaken. At 
 the same time there is quite a sufficient 
 demand for clear thought on the subject 
 to make one regret that some fragments 
 of analysis have not been spared for it 
 from the dissertations on perception or 
 constructive imagination. 
 
 Where such authorities, then, have 
 apparently feared to tread, let us walk 
 warily. I would say nothing on this 
 subject dogmatically, but it appears that 
 of the different opinions propounded, 
 that which asserts that the religious in- 
 stinct begins very early in childhood, is.
 
 II RELIGION 29 
 
 on the whole, the most likely to be true. 
 The few educationalists who have acted 
 on this assumption are very positive 
 that they have not laboured in vain : 
 whereas those who have proceeded on 
 the opposite assumption, that the instinct 
 is dormant till sixteen or later, have 
 of course no evidence to produce against 
 them. The instinct may have been there, 
 but as it was never appealed to, it was 
 not manifested. 
 
 Much the most serious objection to 
 this theory is that there is no way of 
 distinguishing the child's readiness to 
 acknowledge God's presence from his 
 love of peopling visible spaces and ob- 
 jects with creations of his fancy ; further, 
 that the admitted deadness of most 
 children of eight or ten to similar 
 spiritual facts is probably part of the 
 decay of these strange fancies which 
 are slowly destroyed by the growth of 
 the judgment and power of perception.
 
 30 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 This, perhaps, may be met by a practical 
 answer. One of the most powerful 
 solvents of a child's early superstitions 
 must be the growing conviction that 
 none of his elders share them. Now, 
 granting that his readiness to receive 
 spiritual teaching may be largely due 
 to absence of judgment and the over- 
 receptivity of his mind, yet is it not 
 certain that as time goes on it need 
 not die away as his own native fancies 
 do, unless it is exposed to the same 
 dissolving influences? If, in short, he 
 sees that his mother has no living belief 
 in the unseen, — if nothing that she says 
 or does in his presence recalls those 
 truths of which he has been told, — then 
 surely his belief in God will share the 
 fate of his belief in fairies ; and if, on the 
 other hand, the mother's look, words, and 
 actions, as well as his other surround- 
 ings, remind him of those truths, can 
 any one say that his belief in them would
 
 II RELIGION 31 
 
 not have a good chance of survivino- ? 
 It has come to him accredited with all 
 possible authority, and by that same 
 authority is maintained, whereas he soon 
 finds that his little foolish fancies are 
 his own creation, and are unsupported by 
 anything his parent says or does. 
 
 Now the results in boyhood, I should 
 say, tally to a considerable extent with 
 this hypothesis. It is true that a good 
 and careful home training, even if it be 
 largely blended with spiritual influences, 
 will sometimes turn out a boy who, at 
 sixteen, is apparently irreligious. But 
 then between the home and that age 
 six or seven years of school life have 
 intervened ; and, as things are now, no 
 matter what care may be taken by 
 the masters, the influence of the other 
 boys is quite strong enough to drive 
 the religious feelings — not away — but, 
 for a while at any rate, under the surface. 
 This is not meant as an indictment
 
 32 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 against schools, Imt simply as another 
 way of saying that at an extremely shy 
 and sensitive age, when young boys copy 
 in their demeanour not the highest, but 
 the most powerful and prevailing fashion, 
 it is inconceivable that in English schools 
 the expression of the religious instinct 
 should be anything but rare. I have 
 known some thoroughly religious school- 
 masters affirm that this reserve, so far from 
 being regrettable, is a sign of healthy 
 moral and spiritual growth in boyhood, 
 even in cases where there has previously 
 been a thorough spiritual leavening of 
 the child's life. During the dark period 
 of growth, from fourteen to eighteen, 
 there must be, and there practically 
 always is, reticence. Possibly the state 
 of things with French boys is different, 
 but you and I have quite enough to do 
 to investigate the young of one nation 
 at a time. 
 
 But though driven for a time under the
 
 ri RELIGION 33 
 
 surface, the religious feeling certainly does 
 not die. The cases of its reappearance 
 in early manhood, and subsequent de- 
 velopment, are too common and too 
 plainly the outcome of the home influ- 
 ences to allow of any such supposition. 
 Indeed, it could, I think, be shown that 
 some few boys have taken pains to con- 
 ceal their deepest feelings during school 
 life, while at home there has not been 
 any temporary access of reserve between 
 son and mother. On the theory, then, 
 that the instinct can be fostered in child- 
 hood, let us consider some few leading 
 principles. 
 
 Beyond any question, of all human in- 
 fluences the spiritual conviction of the 
 mother must be the strongest. It would 
 be absurd to say that it is stronger than 
 all others put together, because it is not ; 
 but it is stronger than any other taken 
 singly. My impression is that its force 
 is often weakened by shyness. If a 
 
 D
 
 34 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 mother is really living in communion 
 with God, a little less formality in talk- 
 ing with her children, a little less of 
 confinino; her influence to stated hours of 
 prayer or lesson, would tend to produce 
 a naturalness in religion, which is an 
 exceedingly beautiful thing, and not at 
 all alien to children, Eemember how 
 strangely strong is the probability that 
 your son will grow up to restrict his 
 religion to Sundays, and therefore do 
 your utmost for the first nine years of 
 his life at least to spread it over each 
 week and every day. Take all pains to 
 make him observe Sunday as he ought, 
 but be on your guard against the hebdom- 
 adal piety of the Saxon. It is too con- 
 genial to us all to need any training from 
 you. And yet it is a very tremendous 
 thought that your endeavours must be 
 the outcome of your character. It is not 
 much use putting on religion for the 
 child's benefit : according as it has been
 
 n RELIGION 35 
 
 in you all along, so will it influence him. 
 So important is this truth that it seems 
 to render any further remarks useless. 
 Still, though we all must often bewail 
 our lost opportunities, and feel that little 
 is left but to gather up the fragments, 
 there are precautions in practice to be 
 observed. 
 
 Whenever a mother is going to give a 
 religious lesson to a child, she should 
 prepare herself for it as for a singularly 
 sacred and momentous task. Her manner 
 even more than her words will stamp the 
 child's mind for life with a certain idea of 
 God, and will therefore for ever afi"ect his 
 power of thinking aright on holy things. 
 People talk about boyhood and youth 
 being open to all sorts of impressions, but 
 who will dare to say that the later ones 
 can be compared in permanence to these 
 the earliest of all ? Consider the nature 
 of a child's acquisitive powers ; with 
 what speed and unerring certainty he
 
 36 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 gathers for life new impressions, and 
 stores up new images every day ; how 
 watchful is his eagerness, how perfect 
 his concentration, as he listens to your 
 first unfolding of the Gospel story ! 
 You know that in other subjects the 
 knowledge he is now gaining never dies, 
 but is added to daily and hourly, till it 
 becomes a power able to fashion the 
 whole of his life ; is not this true also 
 of his early lessons in religion ? There- 
 fore it depends on you to plant that 
 knowledge, and to foster it till it lives 
 with a vigorous life of its own. But 
 if, after planting it, you neglect it till 
 it die, it is unsafe to reckon on any 
 one else being able in later years to 
 plant the seed afresh. 
 
 Let me leave the boys for a moment 
 and say just one word about girls. If 
 you feel in any degree the greatness 
 and sacredness of the task committed 
 to you, and grieve that its due perform-
 
 II 
 
 RELIGION 37 
 
 auce is beyond your powers, at least 
 strive to get your daughters to prepare 
 themselves for being mothers. Consider 
 the lives that scores of girls are now 
 leading in England, the books they read, 
 the talk they indulge in, the men they 
 are allowed to know. No doubt their 
 mothers mean all this to be a definite 
 preparation for something in the future, 
 thoufdi what that something is I am 
 too dull to guess; but it is in no 
 sense a preparation for the task of plant- 
 ing the first religious impressions in a 
 child. 
 
 Although we are at present dealing 
 with early boyhood, we ought to project 
 our thoughts forward to the danger of 
 infidelity in manhood. It is not im- 
 probable that your son will have to face 
 this peril some day, and will be assailed 
 with the plausible statement that if he 
 obeys the dictates of reason he will be 
 obliged to reject a large portion of the
 
 38 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 Christian faith. Now I do not know if 
 any of you have ever seriously and 
 patiently discussed theological questions 
 with some one who differs from you 
 on fundamental doctrines. If you have 
 done so, you must have discovered that 
 reasoning which is as clear and convinc- 
 ing to you as any reasoning possibly 
 can be, produces not the very slightest 
 effect on your interlocutor's opinion, and 
 it becomes certain that there must be 
 a difference in the very starting-point 
 of everything, in your respective ideas 
 of God. What possibility is there of 
 two reasoners reaching the same con- 
 clusion if they start from different, 
 though unexpressed, premisses ? If two 
 men have quite different conceptions of 
 the enormity of sin, the infinity of 
 God's love, the corruption of human 
 nature, there is no use whatever in 
 their expecting to agree in their views 
 of the Atonement, of eternal punishment,
 
 £1 RELIGION 39 
 
 of miracles, and of many other questions. 
 Tliis seems to me a truism. Whence, 
 then, have men derived their ideas on 
 those fundamental subjects ? — From their 
 mothers. And if the early teaching has 
 been sound and sympathetic, the boy 
 may grow up to have some doubts, and 
 will very likely feel sorely bewildered 
 when he first meets some glib-tongued 
 rationalist, but the main fortress of his 
 faith will be impregnable. He could no 
 more doubt the Personality and Presence 
 of God than he could the existence of 
 the sun in the sky. 
 
 It may very likely, however, be on 
 the lips of some of you that you are 
 all doing your best, but that the re- 
 ligious teaching in schools, especially 
 public schools, is so jejune and poor, that 
 your endeavours are seriously thwarted. 
 Periodically the newspapers are full of 
 asseverations of this kind. I am not 
 going to say if I agree with them or
 
 40 MOTHERS AND SONS chai'. 
 
 not. That is not the question now. 
 If your influence in childhood is so strong 
 that it can survive the assaults of ra- 
 tionalism in manhood, certain it is that 
 it will carry the boy's religious life safe 
 through the withering atmosphere (if such 
 it be) of his public school. 
 
 Connected with the religious training 
 of childhood many practical questions 
 spring up, such as the teaching of prayer, 
 Bible -reading, and Sunday observance. 
 My experience of children has been fjir 
 too slight to enable me to speak at all 
 clearly on such subjects, and again 1 
 feel that the grasp of the main fact — 
 the all - importance of the idea of God 
 planted by the earliest lessons — will 
 probably solve the practical problems 
 satisfactorily, though very diversely in 
 different homes. As to prayer, this 
 only will I say, that it is quite impos- 
 sible to be too careful about reverence. 
 Of course there is the danger of a shock
 
 [I 
 
 RELIGION 41 
 
 when the child is brought face to face 
 with the irreverence of others. But 
 this may be anticipated by a warning. 
 Further, if a child's prayer is to be 
 natural, it must express his own hopes 
 and fears, not those of grown-up 
 people. 
 
 The teaching of the Bible stories ought 
 not in these days to present any very 
 great difficulty. If a child shows irre- 
 verence in speaking of what he has been 
 told, it must be best to try and get 
 him gradually to adopt a right tone, 
 rather than to rebuke him ; and yet this 
 will be necessary at times. Consult on 
 all these points the wisest and holiest 
 women of your acquaintance. Previous 
 to, or combined with, the Bible lessons 
 will come the first statement of the 
 existence of God, and of the kingdom 
 of evil and the creation of man. I would 
 suggest that the mother should present 
 the truths as portions of a partial revela-
 
 42 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 tion, so that when the first impossible 
 question is launched at her — and that 
 will take place early — there may be no 
 great shock to the child when the answer 
 comes that " Mother doesn't know." 
 Sometimes the bewilderment of early 
 manhood is caused by the discovery that 
 there are things of which the Church 
 owns herself ignorant, and to guard 
 against this it is well to show a child 
 that we may stray too far in speculation. 
 He may be thereby discouraged from 
 hereafter expending his strength and 
 confusing his brain over obviously in- 
 soluble problems — a desperately common 
 form of wasting time. The object of the 
 teaching should be first to show the 
 limits of revelation, and to instil con- 
 cerning all that lies beyond them a 
 spirit of trustful patience ; secondly, to 
 show that within those limits we accept 
 what is given, and apply it honestly in 
 our lives. I urge this principle in con-
 
 11 RELIGION 43 
 
 nection with the early lessons, as it may 
 easily be put into force at once. Where 
 it is ignored, a young man enters on 
 life with a vague idea that orthodoxy 
 claims to know everything, but is careful 
 to practise only what is convenient. But 
 I would add, that the plea of ignorance 
 should refer only to questions outside 
 human ken, not to those which can be 
 cleared up by consulting a commentary. 
 
 Sunday observance should be the 
 natural outcome of the religious train- 
 ing. Let me remind you that the first 
 idea of the Christian Sunday was wor- 
 ship, the later idea rest. Ideally it 
 would be a day joyfully and thankfully 
 set apart for the higher life of the 
 soul, and free, therefore, from restric- 
 tions. The object, then, to aim at is 
 to make the necessary restrictions full 
 of meaning, and not grievous to be 
 borne. Hence if toys are forbidden for 
 the whole of Sunday the day will be
 
 44 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 disliked or the restrictions evaded, es- 
 pecially as play is known by all to be 
 innocent at other times. ^ I would sug- 
 gest that in early years before church- 
 going begins, there should be cessation 
 from toys and other week-day diversions 
 just during the time when the parents 
 are in church, and that something as like 
 a devotional talk as circumstances will 
 permit be held instead, so that the 
 children may feel themselves to be doing 
 something to keep the day, and may 
 regard this as a privilege. Similarly, 
 could not the needlework or netting (a 
 very good home pursuit for boys) allowed 
 on Sunday be utilised solely for chari- 
 table purposes ? Again, as to reading, 
 some pressure may surely be employed 
 to ensure that anyhow for part of Sun- 
 
 ^ It happened once that a precocious young draughtsman 
 of six summers was rebuked by his nurse for using bis pencil 
 on Sunday. His answer was unexpected, " All right, nurse ; 
 it's only a house near Jerusalem." Mercifully the good 
 woman, though baflled, had wit enough to report this re- 
 joinder dovvustiurs.
 
 (1 RELIGION 45 
 
 ' day it shall be connected with sacred 
 subjects. Great care is necessary in the 
 selection of the books or stories. The 
 judicious mixtures of pious homily with 
 an exciting story, with which we are all 
 familiar, fail chiefly because children skip 
 whatever bores them. In all these regu- 
 lations one should keep in view the 
 necessity, not of checking enjoyment, 
 but of diverting it, as far as may be, 
 into less terrestrial channels. Indeed, 
 the day should be marked by the whole 
 household as a day of gladness. 
 
 Another cliflacult question is that of 
 churchgoing. In early years children 
 enjoy accompanying their elders to 
 church. Let the privilege, therefore, be 
 restricted so as not to become cheap. 
 Later on, the difficulty is all of the 
 opposite kind. It is almost certain to 
 be a serious one, but I believe the 
 best hope of meeting it lies in implant- 
 ing the idea that we go to church
 
 46 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 primarily to give God sometliing in 
 praise, not only to get something by 
 petition. This is in exact accord with the 
 early liturgical instinct of the Catholic 
 Church, and is surely based on a true 
 view of the Almighty.^ As early as 
 possible get the boys to understand some- 
 thing of the history of our forms of 
 prayer, and keep on reminding them 
 judiciously of what you have told them. 
 How can you expect a fidgety boy ol 
 twelve to get much good from a service, 
 unless he knows why he is there, why cer- 
 tain prayers are used ; and lastly, unless 
 he feels that to subdue the inclination to 
 incessant movement is part of his offer- 
 ing? I trust you will not fall into the 
 
 ^ Cf. Browning, Ferishtah's Fancies, p. 42 — 
 
 " Our human flower, sun-ripened, proffers scent, 
 Though reason prove the sun lacks nose to feed 
 On what himself made grateful : flower and man, 
 Let each assume that scent and love alike 
 Being once born must needs have use ! Man's part 
 Is plain — to send love forth — astray perhaps : 
 No matter, he has done his part."
 
 II 
 
 RELIGION 47 
 
 error of supposing tliat by diminishing 
 the obligation of praise and prayer you 
 will guard a boy against the modern 
 fashion of avoiding church services. If 
 you accustom him to only one service 
 on Sunday, how many will he attend 
 when he grows up? Teaching is what 
 he requires. If you were to ask 
 the jeunesse doree, who find church- 
 going a bore, a question as to the 
 meaning of daily service, or the date 
 of the Prayer-book, their answers would 
 explain why they lounge in a club on 
 Sunday mornings. Something would be 
 gained if boys were taught to regard 
 sermons as not the most important part 
 of the service. Strangely enough, people 
 insist that if sermons were more at- 
 tractive, young men would go to church 
 in flocks. Perhaps they would, but 
 what then? They would tolerate the 
 worship and the supplications offered 
 by others, in order to enjoy an eloquent
 
 48 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 or a pungent discourse, seasoned to suit 
 their dainty palates. And no one is 
 so fastidious about a sermon as a young 
 gentleman who cannot abide being bored. 
 Simple truths well -expressed and well- 
 applied, careful instruction on the Bible 
 narrative, plain teaching on doctrines 
 of which he stands in sore need, — all 
 this is dull to the poor fellow. He 
 must have a racy discourse or he stays 
 away. And if you train him to think 
 that this is the meaning of church - 
 going, it were better that he should. 
 Please tell him that he may turn to 
 profit the worst of sermons by thinking 
 over it afterwards, and that if he fails 
 to do this, the most splendid efforts of 
 eloquence will be expended upon him in 
 vain. I say this, not to excuse men who 
 preach bad sermons, but to explain the 
 fruitlessness of many good ones. 
 
 Perhaps you will say that these are 
 things which should be taught at school
 
 n RELIGION 49 
 
 Well, I trust they will be. But let us 
 take this opportunity of seeing what is 
 really meant by leaving such subjects to 
 the schools. 
 
 Tommy and Jack leave home and 
 begin their scholastic career in Latin, 
 History, Mathematics, a little Science, 
 and the Bible. For a period of twelve 
 weeks or so they lead a life full of 
 happiness and healthy occupation, but 
 strangely interrupted by certain lengthy 
 and irksome formalities, which necessitate 
 their sittinoj still and listeninsr to an 
 adult talking on topics removed by 
 an almost infinite distance from their 
 natural life and its surrouudinofs : a 
 medley of information about forms of 
 speech which have not been heard since 
 the Saxons came to England, about 
 towns which perished 2000 years ago, 
 as well as odd facts about the Danish 
 Steelyard and coral islands in the Pacific. 
 Once, or perhaps twice, a week, taught 
 
 E
 
 50 MOTHERS AND SONS chap 
 
 by the same man and in the same tone 
 of voice, come stories from the Old Testa- 
 ment, and comments on a few verses 
 in St. Matthew's Gospel. Now Tommy 
 and Jack are sons of parents who have 
 ,a lofty idea of the responsibility of 
 schoolmasters, and who have generously 
 abstained, like many of their neighbours, 
 from interfering in the school teach- 
 ing by premature instruction in any 
 of these subjects. It has seemed to 
 them best to leave the master a fair 
 field and a virgin soil on which to 
 sow the seed. It is, then, with a 
 sense of novelty akin to bewilderment 
 that the two boys begin their studies 
 at school ; but being active little fellows 
 they give their energies to whatever is 
 set before them, strange farrago though 
 it be. Moreover, they learn that for 
 some wholly inscrutable reasoL, unless 
 they imbibe some of the information so 
 as to reproduce it after a few weeks
 
 a RELIGION 51 
 
 on paper, they get "dropped on to," 
 that is, "jawed" at school, and forbidden 
 apple tart at home. So they " work " ; 
 they struggle to retain the farrago for 
 the required time, and soon discover that 
 if they subsequently forget all about it 
 nobody seems to mind. 
 
 Now the prominent fact in all this is 
 the startling discontinuity between the 
 school and the home. As soon as the 
 holidays begin, the farrago talk ceases 
 to disturb the natural course of things, 
 and the boys find that, except for a 
 passing and rather contemptuous allusion 
 now and then from their father or elder 
 brother, it has been obliterated from 
 their day's experience as completely as 
 if it had been some strange dream. 
 The process of forgetting is rapid and 
 victorious. It is, however, accelerated 
 by the fact that there are two dominant 
 interests which belong both to school 
 and home, and are allowed an unin-
 
 52 MOTHERS AND SONS chap 
 
 terrupted influence throughout the year ; 
 these are athletics and food. It is not 
 wonderful, therefore, that they live and 
 grow with a vigorous vitality, while at 
 the end of each term the claims of learn- 
 ing abruptly cease. Whatever interest 
 the boys may have felt in their daily 
 task dies away ; and work is resumed 
 after the holidays, much as some dead 
 heavy pack is shouldered by a beast of 
 burden, to be carried a little way along 
 a dusty road which has no turning and 
 no apparent end. 
 
 This picture of modern education may 
 be considered somewhat sombre. Let 
 me say again that I am simply depicting 
 the probable results of the plan adopted 
 by a large and increasing number of parents 
 in all classes of society, that of leaving the 
 training of their children entirely to the 
 schools. There are, of course, exceptions, 
 but they are not under discussion now. 
 
 A fact, however, has to be noticed
 
 n 
 
 RELIGION 53 
 
 which might seem to tell against the 
 truth of this account. During the last 
 twenty years there has been manifested 
 a remarkable increase of industry among 
 the boys of the upper classes. Their 
 parents tell them to " work," and they 
 do so. But this has not materially 
 affected their view of the subjects. 
 They pound away at them at first in 
 their search after a quiet life — a quest 
 in which most boys are constantly en- 
 gaged — but later on because they see 
 that examinations have to be passed or 
 scholarships gained, if life is to be lived 
 at all. But as the books they read and 
 the knowledge they acquire are never 
 mentioned at home except in joke, the 
 mystery as to why these subjects are 
 chosen to be inflicted on them at school 
 is never thoroughly dispelled. 
 
 " Of course this is all the fault of the 
 teachers." No doubt. But supposing 
 our two young friends are exceptionally
 
 54 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 fortunate, and are stimulated by some 
 gifted master till they grow to like 
 their studies almost as well as their 
 football and their food, this, you will 
 observe, is not because of the holidays, 
 but in spite of them. The boys will 
 be conscious of no debt to the parental 
 encouragement : their zest in intellectual 
 work has been quickened elsewhere : and 
 so they come to transfer part of their 
 affections and their allegiance away from 
 home to the outer world. So that here, 
 too, there is a loss. An intellectual young 
 man who has learnt to despise his home 
 is a sad subject for study ; and from 
 this class, men of priggish and ambitious 
 tempers are largely recruited. 
 
 Now, without for the present touching 
 on questions of intellectual training at 
 home, I wish to bring to your notice the 
 fact that among the subjects thus pre- 
 sented to the boys is religious instruction. 
 I am not speaking to parents who honestly
 
 II 
 
 RELIGION 55 
 
 try to impart this instruction, but to those 
 who do not, and who expect the schools 
 to supply the want. And their name I 
 grieve to say is legion. 
 
 You are leaving this unspeakably 
 precious opportunity to a stranger in- 
 stead of taking it yourselves. You are 
 trusting; that the outlines of God's 
 revelation can be imparted to your 
 child by the man who teaches him 
 Euclid. Have you ever thought that 
 there is a risk that the master may 
 know more of Euclid than he does of 
 these outlines, and may also give more 
 time to it during the week ? Such things 
 have been known in schools. You think 
 that as the boy is made to remember 
 the one, so he may the other. But 
 to what purpose does he remember his 
 Euclid ? You may never have seen, as 
 I have, an undergraduate, just through 
 his Previous Examination at Cambridge, 
 hurl the works of that venerable writer
 
 56 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 CHAP. 
 
 violently out of window, or have heard 
 the deep intensity of his resolve never to 
 turn over a page of the book again. It 
 is true he had remembered him up to 
 nineteen years of age ; but that was 
 because the avenues of life would other- 
 wise have been closed to him. Euclid 
 meant money, the Bible did not. If it 
 had, perhaps he would have retained 
 some of it in his head till nineteen, and 
 then despatched it after the Euclid. In 
 any case, by the time he was thirty, he 
 probably knew as little of one as of 
 the other. You wish, I suppose, that 
 the religious instruction which your son 
 receives shall mould his disposition, purify 
 his thoughts, quicken his finer aspirations, 
 lift his whole being a little above earth. 
 If so, you are not going the right way 
 to work. Mothers, what you teach your 
 children they receive as part of their real 
 life ; what you leave to us to teach they 
 are apt to look on first as a strange excres-
 
 11 RELIGION 5 7 
 
 cence on life, then as a means of making 
 money; to make them view it in any other 
 light costs a herculean effort, and not 
 every schoolmaster is a Hercules. Please 
 do not trust to impossibilities. If it 
 were a question of Roman History or 
 Greek Grammar, you could not perhaps 
 do much, though these, like many other 
 subjects, might well be started by the 
 parents, so as to be pursued at school 
 under a sense of home sanction. But it 
 is the absolutely necessary teaching about 
 God and His Church and His Word that 
 is at stake, and there, where it is per- 
 fectly possible, it is your plain duty to 
 lay securely the first foundations. 
 
 There is nothing in this suggestion 
 that need alarm any one. I am not 
 asking you to embark on a long course 
 of controversial theology, but only to 
 lay the foundations of Church history, 
 knowledge of Church worship, of the 
 Creeds, of the Catechism, before he goes
 
 58 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 to school, and, if possible, to build upon 
 them afterwards. May I ask you also 
 to observe that whatever view you may 
 adopt as to the mysterious growth of 
 the religious instinct in boyhood, there 
 is nothing to be said against sound 
 religious instruction carefully and lov- 
 ingly given. Indeed it is far easier to 
 maintain interest in consecutive and pro- 
 gressive teaching about a big subject, 
 than in incessant moral exhortation, or 
 in the Sunday stories about good 
 little urchins exposed to temptation. 
 It is impossible to say exactly how 
 moral principle is instilled, but I dis- 
 trust such narratives if they are allowed 
 to take the place of serious instruction. 
 
 What is wanted is that boys should 
 early be introduced to the great dogmas 
 about the being and attributes of God 
 contained in the Creeds ; that they should 
 know why Creeds were ever drawn up, 
 and at what time a Church in England
 
 tl 
 
 RELIGION 59 
 
 was first heard of, what sort of worship 
 [ was carried on, whence it came, and how 
 long it has lasted. Further, they would 
 be interested in learning the reasons in 
 outline of the growth of the Roman 
 power, and the protests made in England 
 against its encroachments ; the meaning 
 of Baptism, Confirmation, and Ordina- 
 tion, and the difference between Church 
 and Dissent. On this last point, whatever 
 view may be taken, the facts should be 
 clearly put, and nothing said in an un- 
 charitable spirit. And facts should also 
 I i be pointed out to show that our Church 
 ' dates from before Henry VIII. , since error 
 on that subject is exceedingly diflficult to 
 expel from older heads. Be concrete ; be 
 consecutive ; make your history alive by 
 visits to the village church, or to the 
 nearest cathedral. 
 
 I should not be surprised if you found 
 your own knowledge increased by con- 
 scientious eff'orts in this direction. It
 
 60 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, ii 
 
 may be that sometimes you would wish 
 that you knew more. If this be so. 
 please remember that not all clergy- 
 men are ignorant, and that some who 
 live perhaps not very far off would be 
 most willing to help you, if only you 
 would do what to many seekers after 
 truth seems strangely difficult — that is, 
 ask a few simple questions.
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 ALTRUISM 
 
 This formidable word we will roughly 
 define as consideration for others, and 
 the problem before you is how to awaken 
 this feeling in your boy sooner than it 
 commonly makes its existence felt ; and 
 having wakened it, to foster its growth. 
 
 There are sundry generalisations often 
 uttered about boys being totally indiffer- 
 ent to the feelings of others. Many 
 seem to be, and a very large number, 
 from want of knowledge, behave as if 
 they were. But there are instances we 
 could all produce of striking thoughtful- 
 ness for others in boys about fifteen years
 
 62 MOTHERS AND SONS chav. 
 
 old — a very beautiful symptom of ac 
 unselfish disposition, or of good training. 
 And even putting these on one side, can 
 we feel sure that the difference between 
 boys' selfishness and men's is more than 
 skin-deep ? Compare the behaviour of 
 young and old when, for instance, an 
 alarm of fire is raised in a theatre, 
 or when four travellers in a railway 
 compartment at midnight see a bagman 
 on the doorstep meditating an entrance. 
 Consider whether there is much differ- 
 ence in the proportion of the expendi- 
 ture on self-indulgence and on charity 
 among men and boys, and whether 
 at an evening party these are much 
 more willing than those to talk to deaf 
 old ladies of limited mental horizon ; 
 and I think you will agree that not 
 only is the boy father of the man, but 
 that the lineage is singularly easy to trace. 
 It is clear enough, however, that altru- 
 ism is for a time latent in many boys, and
 
 Ill ALTRUISM 63 
 
 makes its appearance at different ages 
 and in varying degrees in different 
 individuals. This is true of all qualities 
 of mind and character, and as all the 
 others can be evoked or suppressed by- 
 training, there is no reason why this 
 one may not largely depend for its 
 vigour on the mother's influence. 
 
 It is of great importance to get a 
 child to see that thought for others is a 
 pleasure ; and this cannot be done by 
 any but the gentlest means. Unselfish- 
 ness must be seen in another, and its 
 happiness manifested, and then the 
 young egoist will take to it exactly 
 as he would to learning the rudiments 
 of any new knowledge. And I should 
 say that if discovered in an unexpected 
 quarter among his own equals, it affects 
 a child more powerfully than any dis- 
 play of it which his mother could make, 
 since from her it is for a long time, 1 
 fear, taken as a matter of course, much
 
 64 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 like the coming round of the mid -day 
 meal. Perhaps a brief but painful re- 
 miniscence might not be out of place in 
 this connection. At the age of eleven, in 
 company with several other greedy little 
 boys, one was sitting at a table watch- 
 ing the approach of a plate being handed 
 down, on which was a limited number 
 of pieces of buttered toast. Each boy 
 as it came to him took one, and vigilance 
 enabled our hero to detect that he would 
 either g-et the last or none at all. As 
 the plate came between him and the 
 boy opposite, a rapid grab on his part 
 secured the prize, but the triumph was 
 completely spoilt by his observing a 
 gesture showing that his friend was in 
 the act of offering it to him at the 
 moment it was rudely seized. The 
 feeling of shame within him has lived 
 to this hour. 
 
 Among that rapacious gang this 
 solitary evidence of unselfishness was a
 
 Ill 
 
 ALTRUISM 65 
 
 revelation of an unknown and better 
 world ; and I say with deep conviction 
 that the absence of such a revelation in 
 the early life of many boys is the cause 
 of an incalculable amount of evil in 
 after years. Goodness must be seen 
 to be imitated by the young. I have 
 met many a score of selfish little boys, 
 but I doubt if one of them would not 
 have been permanently better if vivid 
 object lessons in unselfishness could 
 have been brought plainly before his 
 eyes. 
 
 It seems, then, that the traming in 
 altruism should begin through brothers 
 and sisters. If there are none, strangers 
 or cousins should be imported to supply 
 their place. A great deal ought to be 
 made of the very strong social instincts of 
 children. 
 
 The fostering of this quality is a task 
 of the utmost importance, and is there- 
 fore difiicult. Incessant vigilance is neces-
 
 66 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 sary. "When a mother sees the chil- 
 dren at play together, and observes one 
 — probably a boy — accustoming himself 
 to secure the attentions of the others, 
 and always thinking of himself first, her 
 business is to wake up within him an 
 instinct which ought to be active, but is 
 dormant. Suppose that that boy, at the 
 age of two, had shown no wish to learn 
 how to walk, it is certain that the mother 
 would have spared no pains to rouse up 
 the desire in him. She would have con- 
 sulted the doctor and worried all her 
 nearest of kin. But w^hen he grows and 
 grows, and the years pass, and he betrays 
 no beginning of a feeling for the wants 
 of others, no gladness in their joys, or 
 wish to share their sorrows, nobody cares. 
 It seems to be thought that as he is 
 naturally defective, so nature may be 
 blamed for it, and nothing need be done.^ 
 
 ^ Cf. an excellent paper in Vol. II. of the Parents' Eevievi 
 (p. 330), called "Family Bickerings."
 
 in 
 
 ALTRUISM 67 
 
 We have much yet to learn. If we 
 are in earnest, anxiety and love will find 
 out the way. Stories will be told to 
 the child emphasising the joy of re- 
 nunciation. No opportunity will be lost 
 for giving special praise at the very 
 faintest indication of unselfishness. As 
 soon as the boy is old enough, take 
 him into consultation over cases of dis- 
 tress, though his suggestions will be poor 
 and useless. At prayer-time in the even- 
 ing take care to review the events of 
 the day, and see if some incipient self- 
 denial has found a place. A day with- 
 out it will be felt to be incomplete. 
 
 In the same way cruelty to animals 
 will be prevented by simple teaching of 
 fact. A diminutive infant will maul the 
 housefly from a wish to possess and in- 
 vestigate, and from failure to understand 
 that the insect is alive. Little boys sin 
 from ignorance. Enlighten them, there- 
 fore, as to the animal's sensitiveness by
 
 68 MOTHERS AND SONS chap 
 
 a sharp infliction of (if possible) similar 
 pain to that which they have been giving. 
 Inflict it without a trace of anger, merely 
 as a means of instruction. And encourage 
 meantime the keeping of pets, and even 
 of toads, after the manner of Kingsley's 
 children, and the voluntary tending of 
 something like a lame dog or a chicken 
 with a broken wing. 
 
 Lastly, let the small renunciations 
 that are made take visible effect. The 
 giving up of money should be thus re- 
 warded. Delicacies should be spared, 
 or a comfortable chair relinquished, not 
 for the benefit of a remote hospital or 
 of a mission in the other hemisphere, 
 but for use in a convalescent home close 
 by, or for the enjoyment of some indi- 
 gent cottager whom the young almsgiver 
 can personally visit, so that he may be 
 certain that his diminutive self-denial 
 is doing something. The nightmare of 
 misdirected charitv need not haunt
 
 til 
 
 ALTRUISM 69 
 
 him for the present. And only very 
 gently, far on in his teens, should he be 
 warned of the apparent fruitlessness of 
 much voluntary renunciation. Keep these 
 things from him for a time till he can 
 bear them. But as his imagination and 
 his knowledge of geography grow, so his 
 doles may be distributed farther afield ; 
 and let him, as soon as he is ready, 
 have a voice in his mother's delibera- 
 tions as to what claims upon her kindness 
 she must heed, in the hope that he will 
 be trained in all ways to be a cheerful, 
 constant, and orderly distributor of this 
 world's goods.
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 FOOD 
 
 The subject of this section is one on 
 which you may suppose that, as all you 
 need can be gathered from doctors and 
 hygienic manuals, you could dispense 
 with any remarks of mine. Moreover, 
 it is in this department of education 
 that the public, especially the mothers, 
 can claim to have exercised a powerful 
 and salutary pressure on boarding-schools, 
 to which these latter have visibly yielded, 
 and by degrees have taken steps, some 
 reluctantly, some angrily, to mend the 
 very defective commissariat departments 
 of thirty years ago. Am I, then, so pre-
 
 CHAP. IV 
 
 FOOD 71 
 
 sumptuous as to offer instruction on this 
 momentous practical problem, in which 
 I ought to be nothing but a humble 
 learner from you ? 
 
 Certainly not. At present I will only 
 venture to say on the subject of school 
 feeding that, with all the good will in 
 the world, even small changes in the food 
 supply of a large number are not made 
 without increase of work, expense, and 
 srumblins: in the underworld. Next, that 
 the least trustworthy documents in all 
 literature are the letters in which school- 
 boys comment to their parents on the 
 school feeding. Thirdly, that no respect- 
 able bursar resents a hint even if it 
 be perfectly impossible to carry out. 
 Fourthly, that pendulums have a way 
 of swinging, and if starvation was a 
 danger to boys thirty years ago, it is 
 luxury with which their sons are threat- 
 ened in the year of grace 1893. 
 
 No, it is not so much to offer you
 
 72 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 counsel, as to invite your co-operation, 
 that 1 proceed to the subject of food. 
 If you want to know how your sons 
 are fed at school, let your inspection 
 of the premises include the " grub- 
 shop." 
 
 This edifice may be of mean exterior 
 and insignificant proportions, but its 
 efi'ect on the life of the school is 
 enormous. I am not speaking of this 
 school or of that, but as far as I know 
 of all, when I say that the amount of 
 money spent by boys on unnecessary 
 dainties is simply appalling. All due 
 allowance should be made for the fact 
 (to which I believe doctors testify) that 
 during the time of growth the desire for 
 sweet food is natural. Nor is it fair to 
 say that all the expenditure goes in what 
 may be accurately described as "grub." 
 Some is devoted to harmlessly enriching 
 the school breakfast or tea. But the plain 
 fact is that while there has been a large
 
 IV FOOD 73 
 
 and general increase in the school pro- 
 vision of food, the amount of useless 
 dainties bought by the boys continues to 
 indicate a gross and undiminished excess. 
 - Without, then, inquiring yet what ought 
 to be done, let us see the bearing of these 
 facts on the lives of boys and men. The 
 subject is, in my opinion, one of very 
 grave importance. 
 
 At the present day it is demanded of 
 a boy that he should master his appetites 
 in so far as one temptation is concerned, 
 that of impurity. In fact, this demand 
 on his powers of self-discipline is made 
 with much urgency. To anticipate a 
 little what I shall say later on, this danger 
 is not common to all boys by any means, 
 but the evil is sufficiently prevalent in 
 extent and startling in its results to have 
 inspired a very widespread alarm among 
 parents and masters. An immense 
 amount of care is taken against it. In 
 all well - conducted schools it is the
 
 74 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 object of unceasing vigilance, and meets 
 with a resistance at once deliberate, 
 tactful, and courageous. And no one 
 need doubt that, during the last thirty 
 years, there has been real improvement. 
 But the efforts made have failed of their 
 fair and lawful measure of success because 
 they have been of too narrow and 
 isolated a character. Young boys have 
 been protected with scrupulous care 
 against one species of bodily indulgence, 
 while gluttony has been allowed to con- 
 tinue almost unchecked. Now let me 
 speak quite plainly of the effects of this. 
 Where impurity exists in a school of 
 generally healthy tone, it takes its rise 
 and receives its impetus from boys of 
 fifteen or sixteen years of age, who have 
 a constitutional propensity to it, and 
 whose wills are feebly developed. Up 
 to about fourteen and a half no boy ought 
 ordinarily to be in much danger. After 
 that the battle begins. The wills of
 
 IV FOOD 76 
 
 some of them, I say, are feebly developed ; 
 why ? simply because the idea of restrain- 
 ing their bodily appetites has never for 
 one moment entered their heads. What- 
 ever desires they have hitherto felt they 
 have instantly gratified, and where this 
 has not been the case it has been from 
 w^ant of opportunity, not from choice. 
 
 Happily, many are free from the tempta- 
 tion till some years later ; others who are 
 assailed by it have had a horror of the 
 sin implanted in them by judicious warn- 
 ing. But be the struggle severe or light, 
 the vast majority enter upon it weighted 
 by previous self-indulgence, and in some 
 cases victory is thereby rendered ex- 
 tremely difficult. Nor is the danger 
 over at seventeen. We have to look 
 ahead, and even if the perils of boyhood 
 are safely met amid surroundings, on the 
 whole, of a very healthy character, and if 
 the same immunity from the worst de- 
 filement attends the lad's University
 
 76 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 course, what of the years twenty to 
 thirty in the outer world ? Now, it 
 is not my wish to paint any picture 
 in over dark colours, but this I do say, 
 that the condition of modern England 
 warns us not to increase by ever so 
 little the severity of the trial for a 
 young man as he goes out into life. 
 Men, however, are of all kinds and 
 temperaments, and some pass through 
 even this unscathed. But is the danger 
 over yet ? Can any one candidly say 
 that among middle-aged men, whether 
 married or single, self-control of all 
 kinds, the thorough and rational mastery 
 of the body, is so common that we can 
 afford to neglect the beginnings of gross- 
 ness and greediness in childhood ? From 
 time to time voices of medical men are 
 raised, as they were last summer, to 
 warn us that over-eating is as common 
 as over-drinking, and one plucky person 
 I think there was, who said it was just
 
 IV 
 
 FOOD 77 
 
 as great an evil. It is true that it does 
 not bring men to beat their wives and 
 brain their children, but please remember 
 we are trying to look at this matter 
 from the Christian point of view, and if 
 we judge of their power of stunting the 
 growth of the spiritual life, there is 
 little enough to choose between gluttony 
 and drunkenness. Think of the mar- 
 vellous machinery of these bodies of 
 ours, their patience, their capacities, 
 their destiny, and do you not feel that 
 over-eating — persistent, portly, respect- 
 able over-eating — is a foul vice ? We 
 are thinking how your boy can be 
 trained up to manifest the beauty of the 
 Christian character. If he be trained 
 to make his body a willing and docile 
 slave, he will not some day worry his 
 wife about the flavour of every dish on 
 the table ; he will not insist on working 
 the servants on Sunday evenings, because 
 he must have his hot dinner ; he wdl
 
 78 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, 
 
 not sit inert and useless for a fixed 
 period after his meal ; nor consume 
 time, energy, and money in filling his 
 cellar, and talk for hours with a ludi- 
 crous solemnity about the taste of his 
 wine. Look at your jolly, lively little 
 son with his bright keen eye and glad 
 activity. It is grievous to think there 
 is a prison-house closing around him, 
 and that shadows will thicken where all is 
 bright sunlight now. But it is for you 
 to determine to some extent how deep 
 those shadows are to be. Keep him, 
 then, now and always, from the begin- 
 nings of animalism, and all its dark 
 unseen results, as you value the clean- 
 ness of his soul. 
 
 But how ? We must see where the 
 mischief begins. Let me anticipate your 
 objection that the schools are largely to 
 blame. They may be, but that is not 
 our subject just now. My business is to 
 speak to you about the homes, and it
 
 IV 
 
 FOOD 79 
 
 is plain that however much the schools 
 may be at fault, some of the mischief 
 is done at home. The symptoms during 
 the first few years of school life are 
 not those which indicate a newly-formed 
 habit of greedy excess, but such as re- 
 veal a previous training in which disci- 
 pline of the appetites has not found a 
 place. The little boys of ten or eleven 
 are completely unconscious of the right 
 relation between themselves and their 
 food. Let us look into this a little more 
 closely. 
 
 Food to a healthy person is both a 
 necessity and an enjoyment, and there 
 is no reason why, to the young, it 
 should not be thought of with the 
 same emotions as the morning cold bath. 
 In an ideal state of things, a meal would 
 be taken by a growing lad with the 
 same unconscious zest as a run out of 
 doors on a fine day, or a romp after a 
 grammar lesson. It would not be looked
 
 80 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 forward to with an unholy glee, nor 
 cherished regretfully in the memory 
 when it is a thing of the past, but it 
 would be accepted with simplicity tinged 
 with thankfulness, and relished with all 
 sobriety. This is the ideal. We are 
 still some way from it. To understand 
 what the small boy thinks of food, you 
 should inquire of the preparatory school- 
 masters, upon whom the flood of greedi- 
 ness pours with its first fresh volume. 
 Much, also, may be learnt from a study 
 of the proletariat of the public schools. 
 At a seminary in Brighton, now no more, 
 where I was brought up, consisting of 
 boys from eight to fourteen, the social 
 position of each individual depended 
 almost entirely on his command of sweets. 
 Public favour rose and fell with the 
 amount of jam he carried round for dis- 
 tribution among his friends at breakfast. 
 During play-hours it would be suddenly 
 noised abroad that so-and-so had "slipped"'
 
 rv 
 
 FOOD 81 
 
 (i.e. entered a " grub-shop" without leave), 
 and was the possessor of a box of butter- 
 scotch ; instantly there would be a stir 
 throughout the whole community, similar 
 to that among adults on the news of the 
 discovery of a gold mine. All enmities 
 were quieted, and the voice of calumny 
 was hushed ; to stand well with the lucky 
 youth was worth any effort, and indeed I 
 don't remember that the most shameless 
 toadying, even on the part of a professed 
 rival, was reprobated by public opinion. 
 At the public schools the atmosphere 
 changes, and larger interests slowly assert 
 themselves. But it is not for some time 
 that the halo with which the old enjoy- 
 ments are surrounded fades into the light 
 of common day. I must repeat that the 
 amount of money spent upon unnecessary 
 indulgence is appalling. 
 
 Now it seems clear from these facts 
 that the idea the boys have of indulgence 
 of the appetites is a radically wrong one. 
 
 G
 
 82 MOTHEES AND SONS chap. 
 
 Somehow food has come to assume in 
 their lives a position of most pernicious 
 prominence, to be explained partly, no 
 doubt, by the strength of the natural 
 desires in early life, but partly by un- 
 wise treatment of the subject in early 
 childhood. Why do mothers cut off 
 delicacies from meals as a common form 
 of punishment ? It is of course very 
 difficult to hit upon a more convenient 
 method, and for the time it is certainly 
 efficacious in securing a kind of obedi- 
 ence. But I fail to see what the result 
 in the long run can be, except to throw 
 a glamour round the pleasures of eat- 
 ing, and to produce a reaction when 
 the restraint is removed. Surely the 
 deprivation of dainties does exactly what 
 it is best not to do. It forces upon a 
 boy's attention, and emphasises, the fact 
 that such things are nice, and he must 
 infer that that is your view of them. 
 You would, I hope, think it unwise for
 
 IV FOOD 83 
 
 the grown-up relations to spenk of the 
 delicious taste of certain foods in the 
 presence of children. But that is exactly 
 what this punishment does. 
 
 And what must be the effect when 
 the change is made from home to school ? 
 That change brings with it fresh oppor- 
 tunities, such as some loose cash, a 
 handy " grub - shop " (probably),^ and 
 contact with a vitiated public opinion. 
 You have both added to the fuel and 
 applied the spark. 
 
 The time has come, however, to 
 notice a formidable answer to all this, 
 consisting of an indictment against 
 schools. First, it may be urged that 
 managers of schools do great wrong by 
 putting these temptations in the boys' 
 way. Next, that the food supplied by 
 the schools is insufficient, and that 
 
 ^ It should be remarked, however, tliat at some pre- 
 paratory schools nowadays no such thing as a "gnib-shop" 
 exists.
 
 84 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 money and hampers must be given to 
 supplement it. 
 
 I will take the last point first. If 
 any mother has reason to mistrust the 
 provision department of any school, the 
 right course is clear though it is very 
 seldom adopted. She ought to come down 
 and inspect the arrangements herself, 
 carefully note apparent shortcomings, and 
 then discuss them with the authorities, 
 and urge her suggestions. With a very 
 little trouble she would ascertain what 
 is being done, and the possibilities of 
 doina; more. She would also learn a 
 strange fact, that when boys nowadays 
 are underfed, it is generally owing to 
 their refusing to eat what is set before 
 them, not because it is unpalatable, but 
 because they have heard some bigger 
 boy speak evil of it. Now, as English 
 school life is ordered on the lines of 
 freedom, it must be admitted that the 
 way to meet this difficulty is not easy
 
 IV 
 
 FOOD 85 
 
 to find. Something like compulsion may- 
 be desirable, but it would stop short of 
 forcing boys to eat. In the next place, 
 it may be that the partaking of dainties 
 from hampers just takes the edge ofif the 
 appetite for dinner, and consequently 
 too little meat is eaten. This is not 
 uncommon, but would you suggest 
 that hampers be discontinued ? If 
 such an opinion prevails among parents, 
 the schoolmaster sees very few signs 
 of it. 
 
 These and many other like considera- 
 tions seem to show that the feeding of 
 a large number without waste or ex- 
 travagance, or stinting or luxury, amid 
 social customs now in vogue both in 
 schools and at home, is a problem of 
 the utmost delicacy. But as this is 
 not part of my subject, I only make 
 these few remarks to show you that the 
 enforcing of necessary (and possible) 
 changes in the food supply is to a large
 
 86 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 extent in your hands if you go the right 
 way to work. And before long it will 
 probably be seen that all schools are 
 working towards the ideal state of things: 
 a thoroughly adequate supply of food, 
 independent of all supplement. 
 
 But in the meantime, ought there to 
 be these temptations to greediness at 
 school ? 
 
 The best justification for the present 
 state of things is the same as may be given 
 for the existence of schools at all, viz. that 
 they are institutions designed for the 
 training of the young in the duties of 
 citizenship, and that such training in- 
 volves trial. If boys were to be spared 
 all trial, perhaps there would be no 
 schools, or at any rate there would be 
 different ones from those now existing. 
 But this is not the idea on which English- 
 men are brought up. We continue to 
 act on the supposition that character is 
 strengthened by being tested, and there-
 
 If POOD 87 
 
 fore we do not strain every nerve to 
 banish all trial from public school life. 
 There are a great many other arguments 
 for the existence of schools, such as the 
 nuisance boys become at home, the need 
 of making friends, the stimulus of com- 
 petition in work and play, which act 
 upon parents up and down the country 
 with varying force ; but we may, I hope, 
 assume that so great an institution as 
 school life is partly due to some such 
 lofty educational demand as I have in- 
 dicated. Now among the trials not yet 
 swept away, stands the " grub-shop," like 
 an old tower among modern buildings 
 and civilised improvements ; and the 
 best defence I can give for it is that 
 it may become the instrument of train- 
 ing a boy in the management of money, 
 knowledge of the laws of health and 
 self-control. The question, I admit, 
 might be argued at great length, but 
 in the meantime "grub-shops" are a
 
 88 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 fact, and as practical people we have to 
 think what regulations of the home life 
 will be a good preparation for them. 
 Here, then, are some precepts which I 
 submit for your consideration. 
 
 Never allow any criticism, adverse or 
 favourable, to be passed at meal- time 
 upon the food. 
 
 Arrange that the food be plain, well 
 cooked, and varied. Never mind the 
 thougfht and trouble that this involves. 
 You should think much about it, that 
 your children may think little. 
 
 Never punish by withholding, except 
 (a) for aggressive greediness, such as 
 filching fritters from the tray outside 
 the dining-room ; (6) when it is wished 
 to create a general household gloom 
 consequent on evil-doing. A curtailing 
 of dessert would then be desirable. 
 
 Discourage all reserving of dainty 
 morsels as bonnes houches in the corner 
 of the plate.
 
 IV FOOD 89 
 
 You will observe that these modest 
 suggestions do not aim at fostering any 
 germs of asceticism in the young. That 
 may be in the future. For the present, 
 strive in every way to make your boy 
 take his food without comment, or 
 misgiving, and see that it is thoroughly 
 simple, wholesome, and varied.
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 LEAVING HOME 
 
 Nobody can be surprised at this event 
 causing a great deal of anxiety. What- 
 ever it be that chiefly excites a parent's 
 solicitude, whether bodily, mental, or 
 spiritual welfare, each and all are thought 
 to be submitted to a peculiar trial by 
 the change from home to school. There 
 may be contusions at football, or wet 
 socks at other times ; the early teaching 
 in the rudiments of learning may be 
 upset by misdirected efforts in class : 
 and finally, temptations of all kinds are 
 supposed to be lying in wait for the 
 moral and religious life of the child.
 
 CHAP. V LEAVING HOME 91 
 
 Now in a sense there is truth in all 
 this. The principle that healthy growth 
 of any kind cannot be ensured without 
 exercise, and that exercise means trial, 
 is still recognised in schools. But parents 
 should know that their anxiety about 
 the trials of school life is coloured by the 
 reminiscences of men who were boys 
 from twenty to thirty years ago, and 
 whose young days are apt to grow more 
 and more eventful as life advances. 
 And it is undeniable that civilisation 
 has made enormous strides of late 
 in all schools. There is far less rough- 
 ness, less coarseness, less bullying : there 
 is better teaching, better feeding, and 
 a much better relation between man 
 and boy. More especially is this true 
 of the preparatory schools, in which — 
 speaking of them collectively — the im- 
 provement is most striking. Forty 
 years ago private schools were numerous, 
 but there was hardly one that I have
 
 92 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 heard of where there was at all adequate 
 feeding, any real trust in the boys, any 
 sound system of teaching, or anything 
 like watchful control of the boys in 
 play-hours. The ushers were frequently 
 refugees from other professions, and of 
 a low social type ; and in consequence of 
 all this the moral tone was in many 
 places abominably bad. Notwithstand- 
 ing one or two notable exceptions, this 
 picture is not over-coloured. It should 
 be remembered, however, that here and 
 there, in spite of great carelessness and 
 neglect, the life led by the boys was 
 innocent, though probably dull and idle. 
 Evil happened not to have been planted, 
 and so a few of these schools enjoyed a 
 precarious immunity from mischief, for 
 which the management of them was not 
 responsible. 
 
 Nowadays all this is changed. With 
 very moderate care parents can secure 
 places for their sons in admirably- man-
 
 V LEAVING HOME 93 
 
 aged private schools, where men of the 
 highest character and of the loftiest 
 educational aims have successfully under- 
 taken the control of thousands of little 
 boys. Unshackled for the most part by 
 vicious local traditions, and commanding 
 as they do, owing to various social causes, 
 the services of excellent assistant masters, 
 they have rendered a large number of 
 these schools as safe abodes for a boy — 
 in respect of the graver evils of school 
 life — as his own home. Whatever may 
 be said, good must have come of this. 
 The morals of the upper classes of 
 England are better than they would 
 have been without the preparatory 
 schools. 
 
 Still, the moment of parting is an 
 anxious one, and the question arises. Are 
 there no subjects on which a parent's 
 warning is advisable ? There is certainly 
 one subject still which demands a special 
 warning. Now, the diihculties which
 
 94 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 CHAP. 
 
 beset us here are of two kinds. Sup- 
 pose a mother takes upon herself to 
 caution her boy against certain dangers 
 from which he has hitherto been free 
 at home ; she may suggest to him un- 
 wholesome thoughts, and stimulate the 
 very evil she is dreading. Or, in her 
 anxiety to avoid saying too much, she 
 may so veil her meaning that the little 
 boy, if he understands anything of it, 
 may gather an altogether exaggerated 
 and morbid idea of the state of the case. 
 I am anxious to impress upon you that 
 with imaginative boys this may and does 
 occur, and it is therefore evident that 
 whatever be said should be regulated 
 to some extent by the mother's know- 
 ledge of her son's temperament. If he 
 is refined and sensitive, and one who is 
 sure to shrink with loathing from unclean- 
 ness, take care lest he conjure up in 
 anticipation a something far more terrible 
 and mysterious than the reality. Cases
 
 V LEAVING HOME 95 
 
 have occurred of little boys being thus 
 overwarned till the expectation of evil 
 has preyed upon their spirits and utterly 
 deranged their judgment, leading to the 
 most complicated troubles. So I would 
 suggest that more emphasis be laid on 
 the warning in the case of a callous than 
 of a sensitive boy. 
 
 In any case, at the age of nine or 
 ten, when school life generally begins, 
 there need be no serious difficulty. Sup- 
 pose a mother, bearing all these risks in 
 mind, were merely to tell the boy in an 
 unusually grave manner, just before he 
 left her, that he was going to a new 
 set of surroundings where he would 
 find boys of all kinds, and some of 
 them might perhaps want him to talk 
 about or do things which he ought not, 
 and which he would know at the time 
 were wrong and nasty, and that she 
 hoped when the time came he would 
 remember what she said, and would have
 
 96 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 nothing whatever to do with them. 
 Suppose it were nothing more than that : 
 yet she has done a great deal. She 
 has fortified him against ignorance with- 
 out enlightening him. And it is a great 
 point that the boy, when the trial comes, 
 should know that those whom he loves 
 are aware of it. Many a school-boy has 
 been led into evil because he believes 
 what is generally told hira by the baser 
 sort among his companions, that " these 
 are things your mother and sisters know 
 nothing of." The temptation is worse 
 by far when combined with a feeling of 
 loneliness. 
 
 With regard to the main question of 
 precautionary warnings, a correspondent 
 has strongly advocated the father under- 
 taking the task of giving some clear 
 instruction (of course only in outline) in 
 the laws of nature and the processes of 
 generation and birth. Many years ago, 
 I considered this a possible way of meet-
 
 V LEAVING HOME 97 
 
 ing the difficulty, but I hesitated to 
 recommend it publicly, because it seemed 
 to me that the relation established be- 
 tween fathers and sons is in some cases 
 too delicate to allow of any such teaching 
 being given. And I still think that this 
 is so. But a larger experience and con- 
 sideration has materially deepened the 
 conviction that, wherever it is possible, 
 a little boy should be fortified with 
 knowledge, wholesomely imparted, of 
 facts which he must otherwise inevitably 
 learn in an unwholesome, mutilated, and 
 grievously misleading form. Beyond all 
 question it would be a great safeguard. 
 Sound teaching would allay curiosity, or 
 if any still existed, the boy would go 
 with a question to his father or mother 
 rather than to an ignorant and perhaps 
 coarse -minded schoolfellow. The gain 
 would be very great. And if curiosity 
 were allayed, evil talk would be deprived 
 of its chief stimulus, and the whole set
 
 98 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 of notions subsequently formed on this, 
 the great mystery of life, . would be 
 derived from clean and truthful words. 
 We must not forget Edward Thring's 
 saying — " As men believe, so will they 
 act." Though fully aware of the diffi- 
 culties and objections of all sorts, I trust 
 that it will come to be more and more 
 recognised as the duty of either the father 
 or the mother to protect in this way the 
 son who is leaving home for the first 
 time.^ 
 
 When your boy is entering into public 
 school life there should be an increase 
 of vigilance on your part, and now and 
 then a question, to ascertain the character 
 of the new state of life. It may be 
 
 1 Of. the wise remarks of Rev. E. Layard, Mothers in 
 Council, vol. i. p. 104. A correspomleut remiiuls me that, 
 on the medical side, certain precautions could be taken 
 which are very generally ignored. The subject cannot be 
 treated of here, or even indicated, further than by the 
 suggestion that, when a boy is from seven to twelve years 
 of age, the parent would do wisely to consult a doctor as to 
 the special requirements of cleanliness in relation to the 
 main •subject of this chapter,
 
 V LEAVING HOME 99 
 
 laid down as axiomatic that tlie assist- 
 ance which can be rendered to a head- 
 master by plain speaking on the part 
 of parents who are sure of their facts, 
 is of priceless value. I believe the days 
 are for ever passed away when school- 
 masters would resent such openness as 
 an insult to their establishments. In- 
 deed, I will go farther and say that 
 for a parent to gain clear knowledge 
 of some serious mischief, and then to 
 say nothing, is the unkindest course it 
 is possible to adopt. In spite of every 
 conceivable precaution there must be 
 risk, and there may be mischief, for the 
 combating of which, co-operation between 
 parents and schoolmasters is absolutely 
 necessary. It is true that serious mis- 
 takes are sometimes made, and that in 
 any case, after free communication has 
 been established between parent and 
 schoolmaster, the task for the latter is 
 one of the utmost delicacy. It is true,
 
 100 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 again, that boys often exaggerate. But 
 still there is no doubt what your duty is. 
 As soon as you have reason to believe that 
 an unsatisfactory state of things exists, 
 and you can in any way localise it in 
 the school, let the head-master know. 
 
 We will suppose, then, the first year 
 or so of school life safely passed through, 
 and the boy's thoughts and energies 
 freely occupied in all sorts of wholesome 
 pursuits. It is doubtful if the mother 
 can take any further useful action. For 
 some boys about fourteen or fifteen a 
 warning is most advisable. This would, 
 however, be best given by the father 
 or by a doctor. Again, a boy nearing 
 the age of twenty, needs a few words 
 of caution from the father ; and, failing 
 that, he could be given some of the 
 publications of the White Cross Army, 
 or be talked to by a doctor whose 
 opinions are thoroughly sound. Even 
 for a widowed mother there is no prac-
 
 V LEAVING HOME 101 
 
 tical difficulty in these alternatives now- 
 adays. People, however, are apt to forget 
 that there are many boys who are quite 
 free from this particular temptation, and 
 that if every care is taken about such 
 matters as food, exercise, plenty of occu- 
 pation, etc., the number likely to fall 
 into serious trouble during boyhood ought 
 to be small. This, of course, does not 
 mean that as manhood approaches there 
 is no danger, but rather that vice during 
 the time of growth is unnatural, and can 
 be very adequately combated if parents 
 and schoolmasters work together with 
 vigilance, hopefulness, and persistency. 
 
 The conviction, however, has been 
 forcing itself upon me ever since I had 
 to do with boys, that the mother's work 
 in guarding her son against this evil — 
 and indeed all others — is of paramount 
 importance, and if it is to be successful, 
 must begin in the earlier years. All 
 habits of self-control and rectitude that
 
 102 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 you implant are good ; but those which 
 have to do with the discipline of the 
 appetites are absolutely indispensable. 
 This simple truth is certainly far too 
 little considered. It is true that in 
 certain cases the facts seem to point to 
 an inherited taint, some strain in the 
 blood reverting back to an almost for- 
 gotten ancestry, and that against such 
 all precautions are unavailing. But this 
 only happens very occasionally. Leaving 
 such cases on one side, I can confidently 
 affirm that where father and mother have 
 worked together to ensure the control of 
 the appetites in the nursery and after- 
 wards, and have grounded their teaching 
 on religious principle, there is hardly any 
 peril of this sort which their son is not 
 fit to meet. 1 do not wish to under- 
 rate the danger of evil companionships, 
 or to minimise the great responsibility 
 that rests upon the schoolmasters. But 
 the fact remains that a boy's behaviour in
 
 V LEAVING HOME 103 
 
 presence of these temptations, from what- 
 ever quarter they arise, is the outcome 
 of his early moral training. And yet one 
 often hears expressions implying that a 
 moral collapse at school or college has 
 had no antecedents. This, of course, is 
 impossible. There must have been ante- 
 cedents, and in nearly every case they 
 are traceable.^ 
 
 The following extract is from a letter. 
 It bears only indirectly on the subject 
 of this chapter, but the hints contained 
 in it are too plainly based on a ripe 
 experience and sound judgment to be 
 omitted : — 
 
 I ^\^sh that you had devoted a paragraph to 
 what seems to me the very important subject of 
 letter- writing. Very good, careful mothers often 
 seem to me to think that when children are at 
 school they can do nothing for them beyond send- 
 
 ^ Let me add an isolated but very practical hint. If 
 you find that your son is having beer or meat given to 
 him for suppor at 9 p.m. or thereabouts, insist on both 
 being at once stopped.
 
 104 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 ing new clothing or a hamper. Others regret that 
 their children have, by continued absence at school, 
 more or less lost touch of home. ... I consider 
 it essential that they should have details of every- 
 thing going on at home, little references to books 
 read together or conversations enjoyed in the 
 holidays ; and constant assurances of the ex- 
 treme interest with which all that they can tell 
 of school life, of lessons, or of games, is read at 
 home. 
 
 If a mother has time to read one of the books 
 that her boy is doing at school, it cheers him 
 immensely to be asked in his letters how far he 
 has read, and to be told which passages she par- 
 ticularly likes, and which she finds difficult. I 
 have often felt sorry to learn through my children 
 how few of their schoolfellows received long letters 
 regularly. I always wrote to my boys at school 
 a long letter on Saturday to arrive on Sunday, 
 and either a short letter or post-card during the 
 week — and all events of great family interest were 
 told to them at once. If this be combined with 
 a grateful, genial tone about those who teach them 
 and with interest in their studies, it will not inter- 
 fere with their studies : quite the contrary. When 
 I speak of long letters I do not mean clever letters. 
 The value of such letters consists in their being 
 the impress of the writer. They may be about 
 the cocks and hens, or about Mr. Gladstone's last
 
 V LEAVING HOME 105 
 
 speech — it matters little, so long as the child 
 reading them feels that his mother is talking to 
 him, and that his home is about him as he reads. 
 Only let the writing to him be viewed as a duty 
 that cannot be put aside. 
 
 Even ill health need not prevent its fulfilment. 
 I have had to write many letters lying down, 
 others when my eyes were weak, and I could only 
 take a peep now and then to see that I began my 
 lines in the right place. Children are very adapt- 
 able. If home letters are few or short, they 
 grieve at first, then grow accustomed to the 
 privation • and when they return for the holidays 
 their mothers deplore that they are rough and 
 unmanageable, and altogether so changed. And 
 this when nothing has been done to keep them 
 in touch with home or to sustain the motherly 
 influence unimpaired. 
 
 Home correspondence ought perhaps to be 
 viewed as a branch of the important subject of 
 sympathy. All children need sympathy, but 
 boys most, because it is less easily obtained by 
 them. A boy always accustomed to home sym- 
 pathy, unbroken by absence, cannot find pleasure in 
 forbidden things ; they are dreary, simply because 
 he cannot talk or write of, and have sympathy 
 about, them. 
 
 These words are worth a whole cloud
 
 106 MOTHERS ANT) SONS chap, v 
 
 of high-sounding educational principles. 
 They reveal an atmosphere of home 
 life and affection which many people 
 sigh for in vain, forgetting that success 
 in these matters is only attained by 
 patience, method, and self-denial. Some 
 of my readers will recall the instance 
 of the number of letters sent to the 
 little Samuel VVilberforce by his father.
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 MONEY 
 
 This is a subject grievously neglected 
 in liome life. Think of the difficulties 
 that will belong to it when your boys 
 come to man's estate, and let me remind 
 you that no subject occupies so large a 
 space in the moral teaching of the 
 Gospels as the management of money 
 and property. There is, in short, only 
 one set of responsibilities in store for 
 your son comparable to this in com- 
 plexity ; I mean those connected with 
 matrimony. And yet ninty-nine boys 
 out of a hundred plunge into both, with-
 
 108 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 out guidance, preparation, or principle. 
 English education is not yet perfect. 
 
 Schoolmasters are often asked how much 
 pocket money they would recommend as 
 a fair amount for a boy going to school. 
 The question is not an unreasonable one, 
 but singularly unimportant compared with 
 this which is never asked, " What ought 
 he to do with it wlien he has got it ? " 
 Unless he has been previously trained in 
 his duties towards his money, he will mis- 
 manage it at school whether he gets much 
 or little. 
 
 Now, a child is entrusted with very 
 small sums from time to time, to spend, 
 I suppose, in little indulgences or in 
 Christmas presents. When he goes to 
 school he has more, and as he grows 
 older the amount increases, and with 
 the increase comes a more complicated 
 set of duties. Very possibly there is 
 a school mission to support, and a frac- 
 tion of his possessions is given to that.
 
 n 
 
 MONEY 109 
 
 Here again facts can be ascertained ; as 
 compared witli the amount spent in in- 
 dulgence, the total given in charity by 
 school-boys is a beggarly pittance. And 
 yet people wonder at the niggardliness 
 of adults. The explanation is that nevei 
 having been taught the duty and the 
 joy of giving, in their early life, they 
 have contrived to frame a rule of charity 
 for themselves, on which they act for 
 the most part with singular consistency. 
 It is that expressed in the cynical defi- 
 nition of the national school-girl : " Charity 
 is giving away what you don't want your- 
 self." 
 
 Now, without the least wish to exag- 
 gerate or to dwell upon the dark side 
 of things, I think you will agree with 
 me in thinking the bounty of modern 
 England a very long way below the 
 Gospel standard, and even far below 
 that which might fairly be expected of ^» 
 civilised man in a great and wealthy
 
 110 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 country. So without any discussion of 
 that point, let us think of the practical 
 effort that may be made at home to 
 diminish the evil. 
 
 It is beyond all question wrong to give 
 a boy money without teaching him that a 
 proportion of it belongs to God. While 
 he is very young it is easy to train him to 
 put by something for the poor-box out of 
 every shilling he receives, as a matter oj 
 course. Why in the world should this be 
 deferred ? and till what time ? The early 
 possession of money is iugraining one of 
 two ideas deep into his little mind per- 
 haps never to be eradicated, either that 
 he is a steward, or that he is the owner, of 
 the cash. No one, who is willing to call 
 to mind the parable of the rich fool, need 
 be in doubt which is the Christian view of 
 money. There seems to be a vague idea 
 that at some time during school life a boy 
 is to rise to the idea of almsgiving, and 
 never fall from it again. That is to say,
 
 n MONEY 111 
 
 when the opportunities for self-indulgence 
 are multiplied, when control is diminished, 
 when the complexity of money manage- 
 ment is increasing every year, Harry is 
 suddenly to become a careful keeper of 
 accounts, and by systematic self-denial 
 to contribute freely and cheerfully to the 
 school mission. If this is the hope, it 
 is seldom realised. 
 
 There is only one thing to be done. 
 Get him to enter on paper every sum he 
 receives from his earliest years, and to set 
 by voluntarily a portion of it for the poor , 
 and see that the portion is large enough 
 to encroach on his enjoyment and make 
 itself felt. All this a mother can do per- 
 fectly well. Then, when he is at school, 
 control should be exercised earnestly and 
 constantly lest he gradually become steeped 
 in the vicious notions around him, and 
 cease to look upon his money as a trust. 
 
 How different would the " social prob- 
 lems " of the present day be, if the sons
 
 112 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 of the well-to-do bad been all along 
 brought up on these lines ! 
 
 The further question arises whether a 
 boy should be trusted with an allowance, 
 and if so, at what age ? As to the age, 
 and taking full account of the great 
 diversities of boys' business faculties, I 
 am inclined to think it might well be 
 earlier than is generally the case. The 
 great thing to aim at is a graduation of 
 responsibility as years advance. Ordin- 
 arily there is an increase at the time of 
 the entrance into the preparatory school, 
 and again when public school life begins. 
 After that there is, in my opinion, too 
 long a pause before the next step — the 
 allowance, considering that before the 
 boy is sixteen he has grown appreciably 
 in common sense. Many parents with- 
 hold an annual allowance till nearly 
 twenty, some till eighteen. I would 
 suggest that at fifteen or sixteen half- 
 yearly allowances be begun, coupled with
 
 VI MONEY 113 
 
 the strongest assurances that improvidence 
 will mean privation. At first a little 
 supervision by questioning would be 
 necessary, and if the burden is thought 
 too great, the provision of clothes could 
 still be retained in the parents' hands. 
 Indeed there is some reason to fear that 
 many boys understand the value of six- 
 pence before they distinguish good under- 
 clothing from bad. This fact necessitates 
 care. Only let me plead for gradual 
 increase of resjDonsibility. By eighteen 
 any ordinary boy ought to be able, after 
 'oUch preparation, to pay for his clothes, 
 travelling, presents, and casual wants, 
 besides devoting his proportion in charity, 
 and yet to confine himself rigidly to his 
 allotted sum. It is, however, most im- 
 portant that sufiicient confidence between 
 parent and son should exist to ensure 
 an open frankness in the event of lia- 
 bilities being incurred. Otherwise no 
 one knows what may happen.
 
 114 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, vi 
 
 Further, the parent should explain 
 beforehand the probable arrival by post 
 of money-lenders' overtures, models of 
 caligraphy, but dangerous traps for a 
 needy younger son who is afraid to 
 speak out. Instructions should be added 
 to return these documents unstamped.^ 
 
 By such training your boy will be 
 fitted to cope with penury should it 
 befall him : while, if, at his coming of 
 ase, he is to be burdened with a laro-e 
 fortune, he may grow up to be a really 
 beneficent wealthy man. 
 
 ^ Unless, of course, proceedings are taken under Lord 
 Herschell's Act, an abstract of the provisions of whicL is 
 given in Appendix IL
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 SECULAR TEACHING 
 
 This part of a boy's home training is 
 often, and m some cases unavoidably, left 
 to a governess. It is, however, more than 
 probable that where the grounding in 
 common knowledge is wholly given over 
 by the parents, there will be a loss. Just 
 as the mother recognises that she must 
 claim a good large portion of the child's 
 day away from the nurse, to prevent the 
 nurse absorbing his affection, so, if she can, 
 she ought to act towards the governess. 
 Otherwise the unpleasant alternative 
 which is presented in the case of the 
 schoolmaster comes into view here.
 
 116 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 Either the child will love knowledge, 
 and, gradually dissociating it from his 
 mother, transfer much of his affection 
 to his governess, or he will continue to 
 love his mother as the dearest thing in 
 the world, putting the governess second, 
 and knowledge nowhere. If you have 
 a really capable governess, look out for 
 the first evil ; if an incapable one, beware 
 of the second. I think it will be found 
 that where both dangers are successfully 
 met, it has been due to the mother 
 securing a capable governess, but taking 
 care to lay the foundations of knowledge 
 herself first, and keeping as good a hold 
 on the later teaching as the home life 
 allows. 
 
 The worth of secular teaching is irs 
 power in developing character. The 
 love of knowledge for its own sake is 
 a beautiful characteristic, and conversely 
 the attitude of an idle boy towards 
 knowledge means a moral loss. For a
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 117 
 
 man to grow up with a contempt for 
 language, the chief vehicle of the greatest 
 thoughts that have ever been uttered ; 
 or for number, the expression of the laws 
 of succession and space; or for physical 
 science, the revelation of God in nature, 
 — means a grievous impoverishing of 
 his higher self; and whether this be due 
 to bad teaching at school or to lack 
 of home association, he starts in life a 
 maimed and stunted being, and ill 
 equipped for the work of gaining any hold 
 on eternal truths. Youngsters with feeble 
 brains can of course never become learned 
 men. But they should know, as far as 
 may be, what knowledge is, if they are 
 to reach their moral and spiritual ma- 
 turity. And the greatness of the task 
 is a reason not for your abandoning of 
 it to another, but for your undertaking 
 it yourselves. 
 
 But I hear already the familiar cry 
 that you have no time. Well, experi-
 
 118 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 ence seems to show pretty clearly that 
 when something is to be done, the people 
 who do it are not those with the most 
 leisure, but those who feel its import- 
 ance, and they are generally those with 
 the least leisure. Now if you do not feel 
 the importance of bringing up your sons, 
 you certainly will be too busy to teach 
 them. You may be absorbed in looking 
 after other people's children. Why not 
 your own first ? Or you are conscious 
 of being behindhand with the last new 
 book, and if you do not read new books 
 you know you will not be able to talk 
 " intelligently " when you dine out. 
 There is a vast expenditure of time 
 given by modern ladies to preparing 
 themselves to talk intelligently ; but alas ! 
 I cannot think that even this lofty aim 
 ought for a single moment to come 
 between you and your duty. You will 
 read plenty of new books and old ones 
 too if you prepare yourself for teaching,
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 119 
 
 and if they are not the books your 
 neighbour cares to talk about, can you 
 not survive it ? Having become a 
 mother, you are called to be a teacher, 
 and a teacher you will be, whether you 
 will or no. You will teach that boy 
 of yours either to do his own work, or 
 somebody else's, according to the course 
 you now adopt about this very matter. 
 And he will, moreover, learn very speedily 
 that you either do or do not care about 
 his growth in wisdom beyond anything 
 else in the world ; and the effect of that 
 little bit of knowledge on his after life 
 will, I promise you, be a lasting one. 
 You are called to be a teacher, and " you 
 have no life outside your life's work." 
 I am not pleading that you should learn 
 everything, but that you should ground 
 yourself in the elements of three or 
 four subjects that you may at least 
 begin to ground him. 
 
 " Oh but I have no turn whatever for
 
 120 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 teaching : it is not my line : I never 
 could have the patience." 
 
 Small boys, we all agree, are at times 
 supremely exasperating. But if you 
 have not patience with your own, who 
 is to show it them? If you have not 
 patience, it means that you have not 
 love ; at least, when one breaks down 
 the other will. Every failure in patience 
 on your part means a loosening of the 
 bond by which you have to hold that 
 boy back from ruin. You have no right 
 to expect that any one will hold him back 
 if you do not. Believe me, the tempta- 
 tions of all kinds lying before him are so 
 tremendous that you will need all your 
 love for him, and all your strength, and 
 you must not weaken both at once by 
 giving way to impatience towards your 
 own child. If you say that you are not 
 born with patience, I would urge you to 
 think on these things and acquire it. It 
 is a matter of will and prayer, and the
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 121 
 
 effort that it will cost you will be a later 
 stage in the self-sacrifice which began 
 with his existence, and which ought to 
 be the ruling principle of your life to- 
 wards the boy. It is an effort perfectly 
 possible for you to make ; and it will 
 tell in many ways for good on all that 
 is most lovable in your own character 
 as well as in his. 
 
 "But I know nothing." This formid- 
 able objection would seem to be fatal 
 to any teaching. But if strictly true, 
 it only means that the sphere of your 
 efforts will be curtailed. You must learn, 
 and give time to learning what you know 
 he will have to learn, be it only just 
 the groundwork of one or two subjects. 
 You must teach him the Bible stories, 
 and they take some learning. Extend 
 your efforts, then, into at least one sub- 
 ject more, and something will be gained : 
 and please remember that the duty is 
 binding, or vou will not do it.
 
 122 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 But a great deal of this timidity, diffi- 
 dence, and disrelish comes from a grave 
 misconception of what teaching is. You 
 perhaps expect that you will have to 
 grapple with some rule in arithmetic, 
 we will say, rapidly expound it, and 
 set the boy a sum ; and when he has 
 done enough go on to the next. Or 
 you will take a piece of history, read 
 it aloud to him, and expect him to 
 remember it. This would be very poor 
 sort of work ; but teaching is very un- 
 like this. It is, for the teacher, a process 
 of learning, and he has to get right inside 
 the child's mind, no matter how diminu- 
 tive it is, and look at the world with 
 his eyes, no matter how innocent they 
 are, and this he will never do without 
 learning a great deal about the child's 
 life, and something also about the subject 
 he is trying to help him to grasp. The 
 questions you put to the child, and 
 still more the questions he will put
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 123 
 
 to you, will lead you to learn many 
 things now quite hidden from you. As 
 a general rule, teaching is not talking 
 to the child, but by careful hints, subtle 
 encouragement, and warm sympathy, get- 
 ting the child to find things out for 
 himself. Everything you tell the child, 
 which he had no idea of before, is a 
 languid joy to him compared to the 
 delight he feels at finding something out 
 for himself. And if you must tell him 
 something, the more you prepare his 
 mind by building up a little knowledge 
 previously, and by exciting his curiosity 
 in every way, the better he will assimi- 
 late it. And do you really mean to 
 forego this, all for the sake of the new 
 books and the intelligent talk ? 
 
 The general principles of teaching are 
 now to be read about in fairly accessible 
 writings ; but some leading hints may be 
 thus stated : — 
 
 (a) Proceed always from the concrete
 
 124 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 to the abstract. Hence do not let him 
 learn rules till he forms them for himself 
 from the examples. 
 
 {h) Go step by step, and constantly 
 revise the ground traversed. This will 
 seem uncommonly slow work, but it 
 means progress and growth. 
 
 (c) Appeal incessantly to the eye as 
 well as the ear. 
 
 (d) Test most vigilantly his idea of the 
 meanings of words he uses. 
 
 (e) If you think he can possibly guess 
 what you are going to tell him, even in a 
 piece of history, give him the chance. 
 
 (/) If you must tell him new things, 
 let them be very few at a time, and 
 be sure that his retailing of them be 
 rigorously accurate. 
 
 (g) Employ his hands where possible. 
 
 It would be easy to make a long list of 
 such suggestions, but in truth everything 
 depends on the way they are carried out. 
 One great art. in teaching is to know there
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 125 
 
 is an art : to try all reasonable means of 
 learning the principles, and trust to your 
 own sympathy and zeal for the applica- 
 tion of them. 
 
 Perhaps I ought to notice another pos- 
 sible objection to this plea about teaching. 
 You may have a wholesome dread of 
 becoming didactic. If any one is as 
 fond of teaching as all this would imply., 
 surely she becomes a bore. This is a 
 dread word, and must not be lightly 
 profaned. I believe it was the late 
 Lord Houghton who remarked that in 
 conversation you must always give a 
 schoolmaster ten points out of twenty, 
 and I trust that no hint of mine will 
 ever have anything to do with fixing 
 on you this unspeakable stigma. The 
 modern spirit infinitely prefers wicked- 
 ness to boredom. If the bringing up 
 of a child to become a complete Chris- 
 tian man cannot be achieved without 
 the mother fancying she may be called
 
 126 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 a bore, even though it be by not the 
 wisest people alive, surely there is ample 
 reason for relinquishing the attempt. 
 Ample enough, I dare say. But in 
 reality we are not between the devil 
 and the deep sea. So far from there 
 being a choice between the two things, 
 — the combination of a good teacher and 
 a bore, or that of a fascinating talker 
 and no teacher, — the truth is that the 
 first two cannot be combined. There is 
 no such thing as a bore who is also a 
 good teacher. He can be many things ; 
 he can be a good magistrate, and a man 
 of accurate information, and a good 
 judge of wine; but if he ever tries to 
 teach, he does it badly. He prates, and 
 harangues, and " holds forth " to his 
 scholars ; he tries to thump and batter 
 facts into their heads, instead of guiding 
 the activity of their minds, and after a 
 few hours of this he is still willing and 
 eager to repeat the process to his friends.
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 127 
 
 But in proportion as jou learn to 
 become a real teacher you will learn 
 sympathy with other minds, and no one 
 can be a bore who has that ; you will 
 come to welcome thoughts from any 
 other quarter too kindly to be anxious 
 to air your own ; and your own craving 
 after knowledge, that you might have 
 wherewithal to feed your child's under- 
 standing, will show you what there is 
 in the world to know ; what thorough 
 knowledge, even of a very little, really 
 costs ; and from discipline of this sort 
 there will grow in you three qualities 
 which are not to be found in a bore — 
 humility, patience, and consideration. 
 
 In conclusion, may I appeal for an 
 effort to be made, where possible, towards 
 kindling boys with the love of some 
 such pursuit as gardening ? When I 
 consider the wholesomeness, the discipline, 
 the encouragement of observation, the 
 lessons of tenderness and patience which
 
 128 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 it gives, and when I reflect that the 
 power of gratifying this most refined 
 taste lingers far into old age, and out- 
 lives the shrinkino; of muscle and the 
 stifi'ening of the knee, I assure you 
 that, in spite of a strong, almost fana- 
 tical love of ball games, I sometimes feel 
 doubtful if cricket and football do as much 
 for a man's whole life as the love and 
 tending of plants and flowers. For the 
 somewhat artificial conditions of school 
 life these great games are indispensable. 
 "We have to face problems arising from 
 the presence of boys in the mass, of 
 whom some have rude shapeless instincts, 
 and are strangely inclined to spend their 
 leisure in lounging, or violence, or vapid 
 talk, and pampering of the appetites. 
 Some are anti-social, and prefer solitary 
 novel - reading, or aimless unconvivial 
 dreaming, to the life that calls for a 
 sense of citizenship and unity ; others — 
 indeed a good many— are likely to turn
 
 VII SECULAR TEACHING 129 
 
 out grave and useful members of society, 
 but have at present a feeble linguistic 
 sense and slowly maturing brains, and 
 are apparently resting for a while in 
 the solidifying bovine stage, harmless, 
 but inert and ready for deterioration. 
 For all of these and many more, athleti- 
 cism is a sovereim safeojuard. It catches 
 the moody and the turbulent, the 
 anaemic and the boisterous, in its 
 ample stream, and sweeps along good 
 and bad alike, by dint of a powerful 
 common interest quite social and whole- 
 some in tone. But it is needless for 
 me to wax eloquent on this theme. 
 What I wish to insist on is that, how- 
 ever necessary at school, athletics do 
 not require special stimulus at home. 
 They need not be snubbed, but they 
 ought to be tempered and supplemented. 
 The enormous benefits that spring from 
 them should not blind us to the fact 
 that undiluted doses of them stunt the 
 
 K
 
 130 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, 
 
 moral and intellectual growth of boy- 
 hood. An athlete seldom takes a walk, 
 and knows nothino; of the neio-hbourhood, 
 cannot distinguish a buttercup from a 
 cowslip, gives no heed to the notes of 
 birds, and thinks it childish to look at 
 a butterfly's wing. Indeed, if his games 
 are combined, as they often are, with 
 shooting, his attitude towards the animal 
 kingdom is one of ignorance or hostility, 
 excepting towards his pony, his bull-dog, 
 and his ferret. But in some few homes 
 this narrowness is counteracted by keep- 
 ing up the early love of observation and 
 country life through quite other interests ; 
 and of all interests surely there is none 
 better than gardening. Something of that 
 nature is wanted. The talk of boys at 
 school shows that their interests are in a 
 narrow groove. They spend — or used to 
 — hour upon hour in reviewing the shift- 
 ing phases in the little world of games, or 
 in retailing derogatory stories about the
 
 VII SECULAE TEACHING 131 
 
 masters. And it is well, very well, that 
 there should be topics in which all can 
 join. But please do not let us forget 
 that our wish is to turn the boy by degrees 
 into a complete man. The time comes 
 " when the grinders are few," and when 
 the enthralling athletic pleasures must 
 give way, even if there be nothing else to 
 take their place. Take care, then, that 
 your boy does not enter on middle life 
 to deplore the lost tastes of childhood, 
 which might have been quickened and 
 were not.
 
 CHAPTEE VIII 
 
 CHOOSING A PROFESSION 
 
 There can hardly be a doubt that the 
 difficulty of choosing professions for boys 
 is both serious and growing. It is more 
 widely felt than ever that work is honour- 
 able and idleness calamitous, and, more- 
 over, there is reason to believe that the 
 number of young men who can afford to 
 be merely consumers of the produce of 
 the earth is, in proportion to the popula- 
 tion, smaller than it used to be. Anyhow, 
 the number of well-dressed boys out in 
 search of a livelihood is enormous, and 
 seems to be increasing. But the number 
 of available employments remains what it
 
 CHAP. VIII CHOOSING A PROFESSION 133 
 
 was. Perhaps the questions that arise out 
 of these facts belong more to fathers than 
 to mothers, but they are too important to 
 pass by. 
 
 Schoolmasters are constantly assailed 
 by the familiar inquiry as to the future 
 of the boys in his charge, and at the 
 Universities the same question is asked, 
 but in a tone of increased urgency. 
 This denotes a wrong state of things. 
 Under no circumstances ought a lad 
 to reach adolescence without an idea 
 what he is going to do. In the first 
 place, such a vacuous state of mind is 
 detrimental to his work, and spoils the 
 concentration of his energies which is 
 required of him if he is to progress 
 in any direction. In any case, as we 
 have seen, there is for him a good deal 
 of mystery surrounding the claims that 
 are made upon him to use his time in 
 the pursuit of learning. Still, if what 
 he is going to do is settled, it is
 
 134 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 not very difficult to show a reasonable 
 boy of sixteen or seventeen that future 
 success depends upon present effort. 
 Only, the future must not be a blank. 
 In the next place, the indifference of 
 many boys as to their own career may 
 continue. It is useless to expect them 
 all to have aspirations, and you may 
 very easily find your son enjoying life 
 till he is twenty-two without making a 
 single serious attempt to solve this or 
 any other problem of existence, I need 
 hardly point out that in this case prac- 
 tical difficulties are likely to arise. 
 
 Let me offer this suggestion. When 
 he turns sixteen or seventeen, and his 
 powers are pretty well known, he should 
 be told that his choice lies between two 
 or three alternative professions, and that 
 before the end of the next six months 
 he must make up his mind which it 
 is to be, or the matter will be decided 
 for him. There is a certain simplicity
 
 vm CHOOSING A PROFESSION 135 
 
 about this proposal which is not often 
 to be found in matters of great prac- 
 tical importance The result will be that 
 for half a year your son will have some- 
 thino- to think about, and I could name 
 many young men who have not been 
 similarly blessed for a single day. It 
 will cause him to measure himself and 
 his faculties, and to take account of 
 practical conditions in subjects which it 
 can do him no harm to consider. If he 
 be destined for the army or navy, the 
 decision probably will have to be made 
 earlier. 
 
 This, however, introduces some very 
 serious questions. Suppose that at seven- 
 teen your son betrays no special fitness 
 for any career, and that the avenues to 
 a livelihood are blocked by examinations 
 which his best friend could never suppose 
 him capable of passing. There are two 
 professions which are still supposed to be 
 open to him, not because he can rise in
 
 136 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 them, but because one is thought to be, 
 and the other is known to be, not yet 
 overcrowded. One is schoolmastering, 
 the other is "the Church," as John 
 Bull still calls the profession of holy 
 orders. 
 
 It is to be feared that the choice of one 
 of these careers is in many cases decided 
 for no other reason than the one here 
 given : they are supposed not to be over- 
 crowded : they are chosen yatt^e de mieux. 
 But it is not commonly known that the 
 effect of young men thus heedlessly drift- 
 ino; into them is most disastrous. We 
 will take the case of schoolmasters first. 
 The market is full, not of men who have 
 carefully prepared themselves for a great 
 and noble undertaking — such, indeed, 
 hardly exist anywhere in England — but 
 of excellent athletes and competent 
 scholars pressing the claims of their 
 attainments — especially the athletics — 
 upon the attention of headmasters and
 
 Vlir CHOOSING A PROFESSION 137 
 
 governing bodies of schools. You may 
 ask why the market is full, when the 
 work is known to be not only very 
 important, but exceedingly difficult, and 
 in many cases ill paid. The answer is 
 a melancholy one. 
 
 There is little or nothing to prevent 
 large numbers of easy-going lads, who 
 have fought shy of other professions 
 because a preliminary training was in 
 each case necessary, from drifting at the 
 last minute into either "tutoring" or 
 " the Church," since in one case no 
 training is required, and in the other 
 quite the minimum. No sensible man 
 would ask an untrained architect to 
 build his house, or an untrained farmer 
 to manaoe his land. Nor would he 
 dream of committing his son's body to 
 an untrained doctor ; but he is perfectly 
 willing that the boy's mind should be 
 handed over to a youth totally ignorant 
 how to teach, and his soul to a man
 
 138 MOTHERS AND SONS chaP. 
 
 who has not given six months to the 
 study of the Christian faith. This ano- 
 maly does not exist, as far as I know, 
 in any European country but ours ; and 
 it stamps the English as a stupid people. 
 Other evidence might be produced, but 
 none so absolutely irrefragable as this, 
 unless it be the excuses that are alleged 
 for it. This, however, need not concern 
 us now. The result is that it is always 
 possible for your son to drift into the 
 profession of a schoolmaster or a clergy- 
 man. We have to consider if it is 
 advisable that he should do so. 
 
 Let me say at once that a schoolmaster 
 unfit for his work is a phenomenon at 
 once piteous and pernicious. The mis- 
 chief that he does himself is no less 
 than that which he inflicts on others. 
 He ruins his own temper ; he bewilders 
 the moral sense of the young, and de- 
 grades the good name of a school ; 
 and finally, after becoming a laughing-
 
 VIII CHOOSING A PROFESSION 139 
 
 stock to boys, a sorrow to his colleagues, 
 and a nightmare to himself, he is turned 
 loose on the world at thirty years of age, 
 with failure in every shape stamped upon 
 him. But supposing things are not so 
 bad as this ; supposing he has some 
 of the qualifications required, but from 
 lack of interest or special brilliancy 
 can only secure a vacancy in a very 
 humble school. Far be it from me to 
 say that wherever there are boys to 
 teach, the work may not be ennobled 
 by self-devotion and true enthusiasm ; 
 but is your son self- devoted or enthu- 
 siastic? In any case it is your duty 
 to count the cost. He may easily get 
 work amid narrow, mercenary, petty 
 surroundings, with wretched remunera- 
 tion, and without prospect of promotion. 
 Pestalozzi made something of the problem, 
 but nearly a hundred years have passed 
 since he was in his prime, and the like of 
 him has not since been seen.
 
 140 MOTHERS AND SONS ohak 
 
 The consideration of the work of a 
 clergyman will, 1 trust, lead us still more 
 directly to the same conclusion. The one 
 thing that is certainly fatal to any true 
 success, or indeed to any real worthy 
 endeavour, is to drift into such a career 
 without due deliberation and forethought. 
 This, however, does not need stating in 
 the case of holy orders so emphatically as 
 in that of schoolmastering. People still 
 shrink from advising the care of souls as 
 a pis aller. 
 
 How, then, does this bear on the subject 
 of the education of boys ? You will say 
 that by dwelling on the deterrents to 
 these two professions I have only made 
 the choice more difficult than before, and 
 that, whereas there were two refus'es for 
 the destitute, now there are none. 
 
 The truth is that as long as you look 
 upon any professions as refuges, so long 
 you wiD be tempted to let your boy 
 float along down the stream, in the
 
 VIII CHOOSING A PROFESSION 141 
 
 vague hope that something will turn up. 
 But once realise that to drift aimlessly 
 into a profession is to drift into failure, 
 more or less grievous in proportion to the 
 greatness of the work involved, then you 
 will determine to insist on a decision being 
 made in due time. And this makes all 
 the difference, especially in regard to a 
 clerical career. There are countless reasons 
 against your boy becoming a clergyman 
 merely because he has found other avenues 
 closed to him. But there is no reason 
 whatever why this profession should not 
 be suggested to him at sixteen as one of 
 the alternatives, supposiug, of course, you 
 see that he has an honest and good heart. 
 There are many lads in the country quite 
 well fitted to prepare for holy orders, as 
 far as disposition goes, who yet do not 
 give the matter a thought, simply because 
 their parents have shrunk from suggesting 
 such a course to them, for fear of forcing 
 them. It sounds plausible enough to
 
 142 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 leave them to make their own choice, and 
 not to bias them, and so forth ; but if you 
 talk of other professions and never mention 
 this one, you are biassing them against it. 
 The fairest thing to do is to bring the 
 matter before the boys at the right age, 
 and explain what the clerical profession 
 means, just as you would explain 
 what colonial life means. It is im- 
 possible that they should know the 
 truth about one any more than the 
 other, unless some one tells them. If 
 you are inclined to make much of the 
 need of a call from God before a boy can 
 decide on such a point, remember that 
 the call may come through you quite as 
 easily and as truly as through any other 
 channel. If, on the other hand, you are 
 inclined to be influenced by mundane 
 considerations, and to feel that though 
 the work of a clergyman's life is good, 
 yet the pay is miserable, I would re- 
 mind you that unless you do something,
 
 VIII 
 
 CHOOSING A PROFESSION 143 
 
 your boy may soon find himself without 
 either work or pay. There must be scores 
 of young barristers, doctors, architects, 
 etc., in this plight. The uncertainty 
 of a curate ever being able to support 
 a family is felt by many parents to be 
 an objection to the profession ; but such 
 as it is, it applies to others too. 
 
 An appeal, at any rate, may be made to 
 parents to consider the urgent need that 
 exists for young men of purpose, zeal, and 
 fair abilities for the work of the Ministry. 
 As far as the welfare of England is con- 
 cerned, there is no profession in which 
 your boy can do the country so much 
 good ; and if he is by nature fitted for 
 the work, and anything that you do or 
 omit to do hinders him from undertaking 
 it, you are making yourself responsible 
 for a serious loss to the community, and 
 probably also for an injury to himself. 
 It may be that you fear a change of 
 his tone and way of looking at things
 
 144 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, vm 
 
 before he reaches twenty -three years of 
 age ; and undoubtedly it does happen 
 that youths leave the Universities un- 
 certain what " school of thought " they 
 mean to honour with their support. But 
 even if this be granted, it does not con- 
 stitute a reason against the decision being 
 made in due time. If it must be changed, 
 you are no worse off than if it had not 
 been made at all. And it seems pretty 
 certain that the majority of lads who 
 change their minds about joining the 
 Ministry do so not because of the assault 
 of honest intellectual doubts, but from a 
 growing love of the secular side of life. 
 It is possible, I think, to foresee at seven- 
 teen if his affections are likely to take this 
 direction. 
 
 In any case, let me repeat that aimless- 
 ness is injurious to a boy's mental, moral, 
 and spiritual growth, and can generally be 
 prevented.
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 IDEALS 
 
 Any one who has followed thus far our re- 
 view of the questions which present them- 
 selves in home training will, I trust, be a 
 little nearer than before to seeing the great- 
 ness of the work, and the immensity of the 
 issues which are involved. And the very- 
 smallest appreciation of the main con- 
 ditions of success must surely induce in 
 any honest parent a feeling of profound 
 humility. How bewildering in many 
 ways the prospect is ! How secret the 
 processes of a boy's moral growth, and 
 what tenderness and respect are claimed 
 from his elders by his reserve as he passes 
 from childhood to manhood ! 
 
 L
 
 146 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 These truths, if borne in mind, will 
 foster a spirit of humility. And the want 
 of humility among trainers of the young 
 shows how wide and deep is the ignorance 
 of simple facts. There is, for instance, a 
 " cock-sure " style of parent to be met 
 with who will triumphantly assure you 
 that he has followed a certain method 
 with all his children, and as he has had 
 to bring up ten, etc. etc. Or again, among 
 schoolmasters of long standing it is com- 
 mon to hear the plea, " All I can say is 
 that for twenty years and more I have 
 done so and so," concerning some small 
 but intricate problem of school life, as 
 if the speaker's long persistence in certain 
 practices were an irrefragable proof that 
 they were the best possible. And yet, 
 wherever character is concerned, infinite 
 variety has to be taken into account. 
 How absurd, then, to assume that what 
 A does to his boy B, will necessarily be 
 right for C to do to D ; or even that A,
 
 IX IDEALS 147 
 
 finding his method succeed with B, was 
 right in extending it to E, F, G, etc., for 
 more than twenty years ! It surely is far 
 more reasonable to believe that quite 
 different methods ought to be adopted 
 towards difi'erent characters by difi*erent 
 characters. 
 
 Besides which, in all that concerns the 
 higher questions of intellectual, moral, 
 and religious training, it is almost im- 
 possible to trace a successful result to 
 a given cause with anything like scientific 
 accuracy, and so we have, I take it, pretty 
 good reason not to be anything but very 
 diffident in our endeavours, and very 
 humble in our successes. 
 
 On the other hand, there is a sort of 
 self-distrust among mothers which is not 
 of the right kind. There are many who 
 feel that they know something about 
 girls, but nothing about boys, beyond 
 the fact, nowadays often insisted on, that 
 the dangers ahead of them in life are
 
 148 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 simply terrific, that boys are reserved 
 and odd, change altogether at school, 
 think it fine to forget all their mothers' 
 advice, make bad friends, and, in short, 
 are more trouble and anxiety than any 
 ten girls. 
 
 Of course there is much truth in all 
 this. I firmly believe that boys are in a 
 sense more troublesome to educate than 
 girls ; still, I think there is a confusion of 
 thought here which must be cleared up, 
 or we shall be all along talking at cross 
 purposes. 
 
 Wherein does the diff"erence between 
 the young of the two sexes mainly lie ? 
 Is it not in this, that girls have more 
 native instinct for decorum than boys? 
 or do you really mean that in the power 
 of acquiring a solid and permanent good- 
 ness, one sex difi'ers from the other? 
 This is a very important question. Let 
 us look at a few characteristics. Girls 
 are less mischievous than boys, lesa
 
 IX 
 
 IDEALS 149 
 
 defiant, less noisy (many a complication 
 in home life lias arisen from noise) ; they 
 are, moreover, less restive when being 
 read aloud to on Sunday mornings, and 
 there is less of a struggle with them when 
 it comes to that trying duty of getting 
 up in time for prayers. They are less 
 inclined to be rude to their governess, 
 and if they sometimes chase the chickens 
 or worry the cat, it is because their 
 brothers lead them on. In later years, 
 also, it is comparatively easy for a 
 mother to lift her daughter's thoughts 
 to her own ideal of life, simply because 
 she can keep her constantly with her, 
 while the son is away at school. All 
 this and much more of the same kind 
 may be truly said, and seems to show 
 beyond question that in respect of what 
 is called good behaviour, the gentler sex 
 start life with fairer opportunities and 
 with more fortunate temperaments than 
 their brothers. But besides this, there
 
 150 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 is some reason to fear that in respect 
 of goodness pure and simple, not of 
 decorum only, boys are less well- 
 endowed than girls. Are they not 
 more cruel, more selfish, more liable to 
 the dominance of bodily appetites, and 
 above all, have they not less love for 
 religion ? 
 
 Now, without venturing to dogmatise, 
 we may assume at least that there is 
 much sense in these questions ; and as it 
 is well to state the matter as strongly as 
 possible, I will say in justification of 
 your anxiety that as far as we can 
 see they must be answered in the 
 affirmative : in short, boys have to face 
 severer temptations than girls, and are 
 less inclined to look to the right quarter 
 for help. In addition to all this, the 
 mother starts by understanding them 
 less than she does her daughters. How 
 is it possible, then, that she should 
 address herself to the task of training
 
 rx IDEALS 151 
 
 her sons with anything but grave mis- 
 givings as to her powers ? 
 
 I will ask you to remember that no 
 answer to this question that is good 
 for much will save you trouble, but 
 you certainly ought to be saved from the 
 feeling of hopelessness with which some 
 conscientious mothers set about the work, 
 seriously marring thereby their chance of 
 success. 
 
 Everything depends on whether your 
 objects are worldly or the reverse. What 
 do you want your boy to become ? To 
 say nothing of the obviously worldly 
 parent, there are others who have aims 
 which are in reality worldly though they 
 may not know it. I think you will soon 
 see that according as these aims are 
 worldly, they war against peace of mind 
 or hopefulness. Let us take first the not 
 uncommon answer, " I want him to be 
 a good boy." This may mean a great 
 \ deal, but sometimes it means only " not
 
 1 
 
 152 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 troublesome": especially as in some house- 
 holds noisiness and high spirits are treated 
 as vices to be stamped out at any cost. 
 It is, at any rate, worth while insisting on 
 a fact which many schoolmasters recognise. 
 The most richly gifted characters among 
 men have seldom been easy to control in 
 boyhood. A little genius goes a long 
 way in giving trouble before it has been 
 softened by lapse of time. Force, liveli- 
 ness, independence, strength of will — do 
 you really suppose that these are comfort- 
 able qualities in boyhood to deal with ? 
 Far from it ; the possessor of them is 
 perfectly certain to be troublesome, often 
 more than a match for his teacher. 
 
 Providentially the task of crushing out 
 originality is apparently beyond mortal 
 strength, otherwise it would have been 
 done over and over again by choleric 
 ushers, or by mothers with nervous tem- 
 perament. Grapple with the child while 
 you can, regulate his outbursts, and curb
 
 IZ 
 
 IDEALS 153 
 
 his passions ; but in spite of your head- 
 aches, offer up a thanksgiving daily for 
 his vitality. The future of England de- 
 pends on boys like him ; and already we 
 have too many sheep about the place. 
 Do not add one more, I beseech you, 
 though, as I have already said, it is very 
 doubtful if you can. 
 
 " Oh but, of course, I don't mean that 
 sort of thing at all," exclaims another; 
 " I mean a really good man. I could 
 stand his being troublesome in boyhood 
 if he will only turn out something worth 
 talkino; about afterwards ; I want him to 
 be respected and useful to his country, 
 and a power for good wherever he goes. 
 Surely one may wish that." Certainly 
 no one can prevent you wishing it if 
 you like, but I am only telling you 
 hard facts. You have a worldly object 
 in view, though disguised under fine 
 names ; and however natural it be to 
 have such an object, you must pay for
 
 154 MOTHERS AND SONS ohap. 
 
 it, and the price is your peace of mind. 
 The truth is, you wish your son to be 
 a distinguished man, and is it likely, 
 think you, that your wishes, will ever 
 be fulfilled ? Suppose he becomes dis- 
 tinguished, is it likely you will think 
 him distinguished enough ? or that you 
 will live to see him reach the goal of 
 your ambition ? You complain that it 
 is hard to bring up boys, but if you 
 have set your afi'ections on distinction, 
 whether of goodness or of cleverness, 
 you are probably undertaking a task 
 which is not merely difiicult but im- 
 possible, and before you lies a whole 
 series of disappointments. Very likely 
 the ideal may be slowly destroyed, but 
 would it not be well to refrain from 
 putting it up at all ? 
 
 There can be little doubt that what 
 you crave is not simply that your son 
 should be good, but that men should 
 recognise his goodness — a totally different
 
 nc IDEALS 155 
 
 ideal, and one which is not free from self- 
 seeking. 
 
 " I think I understand you," says a 
 third, "but my misgivings simply con- 
 cern the difficulty of training his char- 
 acter. I don't desire recognition, but 
 I do desire that he shall reach a fair 
 standard of goodness. I am content 
 to recognise that he is not gifted above 
 others with intellect or force of character, 
 and so I have abandoned the hope of 
 distinction for him. My fear is that 
 by blundering I may spoil his chances 
 of growing in virtue ; he has already 
 given indications of a good deal of angry 
 temper and disobedience though he is 
 very young, and when I think of what 
 these may grow into, ten years hence, 
 my heart sinks within me. And when 
 people tell me that everything depends 
 on the mother, how can I help being 
 weighed down with care ? " 
 
 Certain it is that anxiety of this kind
 
 156 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 deserves the most respectful consideration. 
 It is based not on a foolish fussiness, nor 
 on a lethargic desire for a quiet life, nor 
 on earthly aspirations disguised under 
 lofty names, but on a sincere desire to 
 do what is right, coupled with a very 
 reasonable self-distrust. Still it remains 
 true that unworldliness is the only temper 
 which gives the serenity necessary to a 
 successful training. 
 
 You speak of indications of bad temper 
 and the like as already visible. But if 
 these bad qualities are born in the child, 
 and not the result of bad training, there 
 is no reason for you to be seriously dis- 
 quieted. They are implanted in that boy 
 and have descended to him no one knows 
 whence, but they are not your fault. And 
 this is true even if the bad qualities be 
 very bad indeed — evasiveness or unclean- 
 ness, or, far worse than either, a natural 
 hatred of what is good. 
 
 They may startle and appal you from
 
 TX 
 
 IDEALS 157 
 
 time to time, but they need not make you 
 despair. The fact remains — they are not 
 your fault. And even though you begin 
 to feel convinced that with these faults of 
 character he will never make a good man, 
 is it not rash to be certain beforehand on 
 such a point "? It is doubtless being borne 
 in upon you that your own influence is 
 too weak to fulfil your desire ; but the boy 
 will be exposed to other influences before 
 he is grown up, and one of these has been 
 likened to the wind that bloweth where 
 it listeth. I would not, if I were you, 
 venture on a prophecy in such a matter. 
 And even if the years go by and your 
 misgivings are being verified, and he is 
 not growing up a good man, here again 
 I must repeat what has been said : un- 
 worldliness of aim is your only hope, the 
 underlying principle of it being the truth 
 which Newman, I think, thus expressed — 
 "We shall be judged some day, not by 
 what God has done for us, but by what
 
 158 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 we have done for ourselves." Now I 
 trust you will not merely tolerate tliis 
 politely, as a proper and pious utterance, 
 but resolutely think if it is true, and then 
 apply it to the matter in hand. We are 
 on a very dim borderland when we talk 
 of the beginnings of man's responsibility 
 for his disposition, or the comparative in- 
 fluence of what psychologists have called 
 nature and nurture. But grantino^ the 
 tolerably plain assumption that some in- 
 dividuals — your boy, if you like, among 
 the number — are endowed at birth with 
 strong tendencies to evil, a belief in God's 
 justice is impossible unless we accept 
 Newman's canon. It comes to this : that 
 ultimately the one important question for 
 each man is, not whether he has attained 
 a certain standard of goodness, but whether 
 he has progressed, or at least honestly 
 tried to progress, to some standard above 
 the starting-point. 
 
 I am well aware that in saying this I
 
 IX 
 
 IDEALS 159 
 
 am riding rather roughshod over a number 
 of great and momentous distinctions in 
 theology and philosophy, but you will not 
 accuse me of aiming at scientific exactness 
 on such a subject. The above canon is 
 a maxim of very great value in religious 
 training. Indeed I hardly know of any 
 likely to be more useful to mothers, who 
 quail before the difiiculty of bringing 
 up a troublesome boy, unless it be the 
 cognate aphorism of another great modern 
 teacher, " There is no quite fatal sin ex- 
 cept the ceasing to try." We all recognise 
 this in making a comparison between a 
 heathen and a Christian, or between a 
 dweller in the slums and a thoroughly 
 well-brought-up young man. Can we not 
 also apply it to boys of gentle birth, but 
 of most ungentle hereditary qualities? 
 They begin badly, but if their lives are 
 full of honest endeavour there is no reason 
 to despair, even though the starting-point 
 was very low. The boy we are thinking
 
 160 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, 
 
 of is very young ; it will be several yeara 
 yet before his heritage of qualities can be 
 measured. During all that time he is 
 only starting in his career of self-conquest. 
 And yet you are inclined to be in despair 
 almost before the start, whereas you ought 
 to be looking humbly and hopefully to 
 the life beyond the grave. 
 
 It would be easy to inveigh against such 
 counsels as being well enough in the 
 pulpit, but useless for the everyday life 
 of plain men and women. 
 
 It is worth remarking, however, that 
 no one has a right to call this advice 
 unpractical till he has tested it and found 
 it fail. Now let us look more closely 
 at the precise problem set before you, 
 and ask what is required for success in 
 dealing with it. You tell me that 
 your boy is already showing signs of 
 evil in him. We agree, I trust, in 
 saying that the one thing for which 
 he exists is to overcome that evil, and
 
 IX IDEALS 161 
 
 that the chief object of your life is to 
 help him in doing so. Further, that 
 whatever be the truth about the develop- 
 ment of the religious instinct in boyhood, 
 we cannot be wrong in labourino- to foster 
 in him the principles of simple rectitude, 
 to get him to love good and hate evil. 
 The result may be little or nothing that 
 is visible, but no stone is to be left un- 
 turned to secure that the lad's life-history 
 shall be a steadfast endeavour towards 
 virtue, no matter from how low a level 
 he may be starting ; and evidences of his 
 progress we leave in other hands. 
 
 Broadly speaking, then, what is the 
 mother's part in this undertaking ? First, 
 to be quite certain that her influence on 
 her son depends on what she is, and only 
 in a very subordinate way on what she 
 does. You are embarking on a task 
 which requires unworldliness. You must 
 be unworldly, not only in education but 
 in everything. Little by little that boy 
 
 M
 
 162 MOTHERS AND SONS chap. 
 
 is drinking in from your lips and gestures 
 and expressions, either that you are living 
 in view of an Unseen Presence and for 
 a life beyond the grave, or that though 
 you talk about such things sometimes, 
 your keenest interests, your deepest emo- 
 tions, are stirred by things altogether on 
 this side of the grave, strangely ephem- 
 eral, strikingly mundane, in comparison 
 with your professions. 
 
 For a time you are to him as a Deity. 
 What you long for he may learn to long 
 for; and that ought to be simply the 
 good that seems to be not natural to 
 him, instead of the evil that apparently 
 is. So if you set your whole affection on 
 this goodness, you will have done almost 
 all your part. 
 
 And indeed it will be a great deal. 
 Think of the kind of struggle that lies 
 before that child during the stormy years 
 ahead of him. Under what conditions 
 will it be fought? and on what does
 
 IX IDEALS 163 
 
 the issue of each trial depend? It 
 would not be difficult perhaps to dis- 
 cern causes which on each separate 
 occasion will have effected the result. 
 But in reality, when your boy is in 
 presence of a temptation, with good on 
 one side, evil on the other, everything 
 depends, humanly speaking, on the idea 
 he has of the importance of a right 
 choice. Now, how can that idea be 
 more solidly and surely planted than 
 by taking care that his earliest impres- 
 sions of a human being are of one who 
 habitually measures human affairs with 
 reference to the after life, and who 
 serenely lives on the strength drawn 
 from an unseen source ? He will there- 
 after carry with him a conviction, 
 which no criticism can possibly shatter, 
 that evil is to be abhorred and good 
 is to be earnestly desired, each for its 
 own sake ; and as time goes on he will 
 come to understand that his mother's
 
 164 MOTHERS AND SONS chap, ix 
 
 character is the living witness to him 
 of certain truths, of which he has often 
 heard, of man being created in God's 
 image, and being enabled in the power 
 of His Spirit to grow more and more 
 into His likeness. 
 
 Other influences will be at work, and 
 no one can forecast the end. Some boys 
 seem proof against any religious influence. 
 So for a long time did S. Augustine ; 
 but he was the son of one who has 
 set an example to mothers for all time. 
 A few boys become saints and heroes 
 no one knows how. But you must not 
 concern yourself with cases out of the 
 common. The path that you have to 
 walk in is plainly that of self-sanctifi- 
 cation for the sake of your child.
 
 APPENDIX I 
 
 SOME SMALL PRACTICAL POINTS 
 
 Dress. — Certain follies in boys' clothing might 
 be easily remedied if they were more widely 
 known. 
 
 (a) At the time of most rapid growth, fifteen 
 or thereabouts, the danger of tight collars 
 should be noticed. Wrong-headed but thrifty 
 parents think to save their purses by allowing 
 their boys to wear outgrown collars for some 
 time after they have begun to cause discomfort. 
 Eesult, all kinds of disorders to the blood- 
 vessels of the head and neck, which any doctor 
 can tell you of ; damage to the eyes and ruin to 
 the singing-voice, which is just settling itself 
 into its manhood's register. 
 
 (6) It may be doubted whether the ordinary
 
 166 MOTHERS AND SONS 
 
 school-fashion of dress is thoroughly healthy, 
 but as I am not criticising schools, let 
 us see what may be and is not done at 
 home. The round jacket, a very dainty boy- 
 garment, gets carried up at the period of 
 growth at the same time that the trousers 
 are gently lowered to eke out their inadequate 
 length, and to make a decent show round the 
 ankles. Eesult — an interregnum between the 
 top of the trousers and the bottom of the 
 jacket, seen to full advantage from behind, 
 when the boy sits at a desk writing with 
 squared elbows. Enter the east wind making 
 havoc of the liver and kidneys. This is bad 
 economy. 
 
 (c) Boys often wear incredibly bad boots, 
 and seem to enjoy having a hole in each sole. 
 I mention this because the difficulty is not 
 to be easily met by the school authorities. 
 Miserable cheap boots only mean a long 
 doctor's bill, and it is no use supposing they 
 can mean anything else. 
 
 (d) The question of woollen clothing versus 
 linen and the like, which a great benefactor of 
 the human race has brought before the people
 
 APPENDIX I 167 
 
 of Western Europe, should be carefully thought 
 out. I ask no more. Truth is great and will 
 prevail, but it may be for a long time ignored. 
 Young boys are given to throwing off their 
 clothing in their sleep. This is entirely due 
 to the oppressiveness caused by the nightshirt 
 and linen sheets. Moreover, if left to them- 
 selves there is no amount of rugs and stuffy 
 coats that they will not pile on their beds if 
 they think it is cold. Surely woollen pyjamas 
 are the healthiest garments to wear at night, 
 
 (e) Again, it is difficult to imagine what 
 follies growing boys will be guilty of in respect 
 to tight waistcoats and trouser-tops. Who is 
 to see to these things if mothers do not ? 
 
 (/) A preparatory-school master tells me 
 that it is not uncommon for little boys 
 earnestly desirous of mastering some para- 
 graphs of printed matter, to hold the books 
 so near to their eyes as to cause headaches 
 and injury to the sight. Probably this trouble 
 exists more at school than at home.
 
 APPENDIX II 
 
 The Betting and Loans (Infants) Act (1892) 
 makes it a criminal offence for the purpose of 
 earning interest, commission, reward, or other 
 profit, to send or cause to be sent to a person 
 known by the sender to be an infant, any 
 circular, notice, advertisement, letter, telegram, 
 or other document which invites, or may 
 reasonably be implied to invite, the recipient 
 to borrow money or to enter into any trans- 
 action involving the borrowing of money, or 
 to apply to any person, or at any place, with 
 a view to obtaining information or advice as 
 to borrowing money. 
 
 For this he is liable, if convicted on indict- 
 ment (i.e. at Assizes or Quarter Sessions), to 
 three months' hard labour or £100 fine, or 
 both ; or if convicted summarily (i.e. at Petty 
 Sessions or before a poUce magistrate) to a
 
 APPENDIX II 169 
 
 month's hard labour or £20 fine, or both. 
 Any one can prosecute. 
 
 It is necessary to prove that the sender of 
 the circular, etc., knew that the person to 
 whom it was sent was under age ; but by 
 § 3 of the Act, if it is sent to any one at any 
 university, college, school, or other place of 
 education, the sender is to be deemed to have 
 known that the " sendee " was an infant, unless 
 he proves that he had reasonable grounds for 
 believing the contrary. 
 
 By § 2 (2 ^, if the document purports to 
 issue from any address named therein, or 
 indicates any address as the place to which 
 application is to be made with reference to 
 the subject-matter of the document, and at 
 that place there is carried on any business 
 connected with loans, every person taking 
 part in such business or attending at the 
 place, is deemed to have sent the document, un- 
 less he shows that he knew nothing about it. 
 
 THE END
 
 Printed by R. & R. Clark, Limited, Edinbjirgh.
 
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