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 V 
 
 FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 
 
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 T. R. DAWLEY, PUBLISHED. 
 
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OLD ABE'S JOKES; 
 
 FRESH TROM 
 
 BOSOM 
 
 CONTAINING ALL US ISSUES, 
 
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 13 & 15 PARK Row. 
 
Old Abe's Jokes, says the New York Herald, " are the essence ot 
 President's Lincoln's life." They will be read by everybody, con- 
 taining as they do all the JESTS and SQUIBS of Father Abraham. 
 
 NOTICE : Many of these Jokes, Jests and Sqnibs, contained in this 
 work, never before appeared in print, being fresh from the National 
 Joker's lips, and are entered according to Act of Congress ; hence, 
 parties publishing them without crediting to thig work, will be liable 
 to prosecution. 
 
 ENTERED ACCORDING TO ACT OP CONGRESS, IN THE YEAR 1864, BY 
 
 T . R. DA'WLBY, 
 
 IN THE CLERK'S OFFICE OF THE DISTRICT COURT OF THE UNITED STATES, 
 FOB THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK. 
 
 T. R, DAWLEY, Stereotyper, Steam Book, Job and Newspaper Printer 
 and Publisher, No. 13 and 15 Park Row, N. Y. 
 
OLD ABE'S JOKES. 
 
 Father Abraham's Boyhood, Pots and Kettles, Dutch Ovens, Frying 
 Pans, /Esops Fables, Rail-Splitting, &c., &c. 
 
 Abraham Lincoln was born in Hardin county, Kentucky, 
 in the year 1809. His parents were poor, and lived in a 
 log-house "without a floor, furnished with lour or five three- 
 legged stools, pots, kettles, a spider, Dutch oven, and some- 
 thing -that answered for a bed." They were both members 
 of the Baptist church, the mother being represented as a 
 whole-hearted Christian of godly example and precept* 
 She could read but could not write. The father was not 
 BO highly endowed by nature as his wife, but was superior 
 in most respects to his neighbors. He could write his name 
 but could not read at all. 
 
 Abraham was seven years old when he was sent to. 
 school, for the first time, to "one Hazel, who came to live in 
 the neighborhood. There were no schools nor school-houses 
 
22 OLD ABB'S JOKES, 
 
 in the region, and few of the people could read. But this 
 Hazel could read and write ; but beyond this he made a 
 poor figure. For a small sum he taught a few children at 
 his house, and Abraham was one of the number. His 
 parents were so anxious that he should know how to read 
 and write, that they managed to save enough out of their 
 penury to send him to school a few weeks. They considered 
 Abraham a remarkable boy. 
 
 Every day he posted away with the old spelling-book to 
 Hazel's cabin, where he tried as hard to learn as aay boy 
 who ever studied his Ab's. He carried his book home at 
 night and puzzled his active brain over what he had learned 
 during the day. He cared for nothing but his book. His 
 highest ambition was to learn to read as well as his mother 
 could. As she gathered the family, and read the bible to 
 them each day, and particularly as she read it upon the 
 Sabbath much of the time, he almost envied her the blessed 
 privilege of reading. He longed foi the day to come when 
 he could read aloud from that revered volume. Beyond 
 that privilege he did not look. To be able to read was 
 boon enough for him, without looking for anything be- 
 yond. 
 
 Young Abraham received the most excellent moral teach- 
 ings from his mother who was accustomed to read the Bible 
 gularly to her family. 
 
 Her reading was not confined to the Old Testament, 
 nor to the narrative portions of the Bible. She understood 
 the gospel because she had a Christian experience that was 
 marked. She was a firm, consistent disciple of the Lord 
 Jesus, and was qualified thereby to expound the scriptures. 
 The story of the Cross, as it is recorded in the 27th chap- 
 
FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 29 
 
 ter of Matthew, was read over at the fire-side, accom- 
 panied with many remarks that were suited to impress the 
 minds of her children. 
 
 The Ten Commandments were made an important mat- 
 ter in the Sabbath lessons, and Abraham was drilled in re- 
 peating them, were pressed upon his attention namely, (III) 
 8 Thou shalt not take name of the Lord thy God in vain 
 for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his 
 name in vain. (IV.) Remember the Sabbath day to keep 
 it holy.' (V.) Honor thy father and thy mother, that 
 thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord hath 
 giveth thee.' (IX.) 'Thou shalt not bear false witness 
 against thy neighbor.' 
 
 * In this way many Sabbaths of Abraham's boyhood were 
 spent, so that he became familiar with the Bible. For a 
 boy of his age, he was excelled by few in his acquaintance 
 with the Scriptures. The Bible, catechism, and the old 
 spelling-book named, being the only books in the family at 
 this time, as we have said, and there being no papers, either 
 religious or secular, the Bible was read much more than it 
 would have been if other volumes had been possessed. It 
 was the first book that Abraham ever read that same old 
 family Bible, kept very choice because their poverty 
 could not afford another. It was the only bible that his 
 mother ever possessed, her life treasure, to which she was 
 more indebted, and perhaps, also, her son Abraham, than 
 any other influence. It was certainly the light of her 
 dwelling, and the most powerful educator that ever entered 
 her family. 
 
 That same Bible is still in the possession of a relative in 
 the state of Illinois. 
 
24 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 When Abraham was about eight years old, his father, 
 preferring to live in a free State, sold his farm for a lot of 
 whiskey (most of which he lost in moving), and emigrated 
 te Spencer county, Indiana. Here, miles from any neigh- 
 bor, he opened his new settlement and built himself a cabin, 
 almost the counterpart of the one they had left in Ken- 
 tucky. About the end of their first year's residence in 
 Indiana, affliction came upon the household in the shape of 
 the death of Mrs. Lincoln. About this time, too, Abra- 
 ham's literary treasures were enlarged by the acquisition 
 of the Pilgrim's Progress and &sop's Fables. 
 
 He read it over and over until he could repeat almost 
 the entire contents of the volume. He was interested in 
 the moral lesson that each fable taught, and derived there- 
 from many valuable hints that he carried with him through 
 life. On the whole he spent more time over JEsop's Fabks 
 than he did over Pilgrim's Progress^ although he was really, 
 charmed by the latter. But there was a practical turn to 
 the Fables that interested him, and he could easily recollect 
 the stories. Perhaps this early familiarity with this book 
 laid the foundations for that facility at apt story-telling 
 which has distinguished him from his youth. It is easy to 
 see how such a volume might beget and foster a taste in 
 this direction. 
 
 He was also so fortunate as to find a writing-master. 
 
 Abraham was awkward enough in the use of the pen at 
 first'; but he soon overcame this difficulty, and exhibited 
 unusual judgment for a boy in the formation of letters. 
 When he had learned how to form a letter, he practiced 
 upon it in various ways. With a bit of chalk he would 
 cut them on pieces of slabs and on the trunks of trees; and 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 25 
 
 more than once the tops of the stools in the cabin and the 
 puncheon-table served him in lieu of a writing-book. His 
 father was too poor to provide him with all the paper ne- 
 cessary for his scribbling, and so he resorted to these va- 
 rious expedients. The end of a charred stick was used as 
 a pencil sometimes to accomplish his object, and it enabled 
 him to cut letters with considerable facility. 
 
 We have not space to follow Abraham during the course 
 of his life in Indiana. We pass on to the removal of the 
 family to Illinois and to the celebrated splitting of the 
 rails, 
 
 They accomplished the journey from Spencer county, In- 
 diana, to Decatur, Illinois, in fifteen days. The spot se- 
 lected for their home was on the north side of the Sauga- 
 mon River, about 10 miles west of Decatur, a spot wisely 
 chosen, because it was at the junction of the timber and 
 prairie lands. 
 
 A log house was immediately erected, in the building of 
 which Abraham acted a conspicuous part. Ten acres of 
 prairie land were selected, and the sods were broken for a 
 crop of corn. 
 
 c That must be fenced at once,' said Abraham. 
 
 6 And you'll have to split the rails, if it is done,' replied 
 his father. 
 
 { That I can do, as I am used to it ; but I don't expect to 
 split rails for a living all my days.' 
 
 I hope you won't have to. When we get things under 
 way, you can seek your for tin' somewhere else.' 
 
 * I haven't made up my mind as to that. There will be 
 time enough for that when the ten acres are fenced in.' - 
 
 * We shall hare enough to do this summer to break up 
 
26 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 and plant ten acres of corn, and take care of it, and fence 
 the lot. But who ever saw such land as this ? The half 
 was not told us.' Mr. Lincoln was surprised at the rich- 
 ness of the lands ; and, in all respects, he was pleased with 
 the change of residence. 
 
 'There can be no better farming land than this,' answer- 
 ed Abraham, and it ain't half the work to cultivate these 
 prairie lands. And I am just the hand to fence them, as I 
 have swung the axes so much* 
 
 Yes, you can do it better than I can, and a great deal 
 quicker ; so you may go at it as soon as you please.' 
 
 Accordingly, Abraham proceeded to split the rails for 
 the ten acre lot. These are the rails about which so much 
 was said in the late Presidential campaign. Their exist- 
 ence,' says Mr. Scripps, * was brought to the public atten- 
 tion during the sitting of the Republican State Convention, 
 at Decatur, on which occasion a banner, attached - to two 
 of these rails, and bearing an appropriate inscription was 
 brought into the assemblage and formally presented to that 
 body, amid a scene of unparalleled enthusiasm. After that 
 they were in demand in every State of the Union in which 
 free labor is honored, where they were borne in processions 
 of the people, and hailed by hundreds of thousands of free- 
 men, as a symbol of triumph, and as a glorious vindication 
 of freedom, and of the rights and the dignity of free labor. 
 These, however, were far from being the first or only rails 
 made by Lincoln. He was a practiced hand at the busi- 
 ness. His first lessons were taken while yet a boy in In- 
 diana. Some of the rails made by him in that State have 
 been clearly identified. The writer has seen a cane, now 
 in the possession of Mr. Lincoln, made by one of his oM 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 27 
 
 acquaintances, from one of those rails split by his own 
 hands IB boyhood/ 
 
 Shortly after the removal to Illinois, Abraham left his 
 home to look out for himself. He found a comfortable 
 place with a family living near Petersburg, Menard county, 
 where, as was the case wherever he lived, he acquired tie 
 esteem of all. 
 
 The young people who became acquainted with him gave 
 him their confidence without hesitation. They believed 
 him to be a conscientious, upright young man. For this 
 reason, they referred the settlement of dispute to him. 
 They had confidence in his judgment as well as his honesty. 
 Different sorts of games were in vogue at that time, and 
 running matches and horse-racings, and if Abraham was 
 present, one party or the other was sure to make him their 
 judge. Two years later, while he was livinginNew Salem, 
 he shared the confidence of all to such an extent that both 
 parties, in the aforesaid amusements, were wont to choose 
 him for their judge. In all cases, too, there was the ut- 
 most satisfaction shown in his decisions. 
 
 It was at this period of his life that he was christened 
 < Honest Abe.' It was so unusual for the same person to 
 act as judge for both of the contending parties, and it 
 was expressive of so much confidence in his character 
 that by common consent he came to be known as < HONEST 
 ABE.' 
 
 Father Abraham a Disciple of " Father Matthew." 
 When Gen. Hooker was ordered to join Gen. Grant at 
 Chattanooga, the president advised him to avoid ' Bourbon 9 
 county, when passing through Kentucky. 
 
28 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 An Englishman's Portraits of Old Abe 
 
 To say that he is ugly, is nothing ; to add that his fig- 
 ure is grotesque, is to convey no adequate impression. 
 Fancy a man six feet high, and then out of proportion ; 
 with long bony arms and legs, which somehow seem to be 
 always in the way ; with great rugged furrowed hands, 
 which grasp you like a vice when shaking yours ; with a 
 long snaggy neck, and a ckest too narrow for the great 
 arms at its side. Add to this figure a head cocoa-nut 
 shaped and somewhat too small for such a stature, covered 
 with reugh, uncombed and uncomable hair, that stands out 
 in every direction at once ; a face furrowed, wrinkled and 
 indented, as though it had been scarred by vitrol ; a high 
 narrow forehead ; and sunk deep beneath bushy eyebrows, 
 two bright, dreamy eyes, that seem to gaze through you 
 without looking at you ; a few irregular blotches of black 
 bristly hair, in the place where beard and whiskers ought 
 to grow ; a close-set, thin- lipped, stern mouth, with two 
 rows of large white teeth, and a nose and ears which have 
 been taken by mistake from a head of twice the size. 
 Clothe this figure, then, in a long, tight, badly-fitting suit 
 of black, crease.d, soiled -and puckered up at every salient 
 point of the figure (and every point of this figure is salient) 
 put on large, ill-fitting boots, -gloves too long for the long 
 bony fingers, and a fluffy hat, covered to the top with 
 dusty, puffy crape ; and then add to this an air of strength, 
 physical as well as moral, and a strange look of dignity 
 coupled with all this grotesqueness ; and you will have the 
 impression left upon me by Abraham Lincoln.' 
 
29 
 
 An American's Portrait of Father Abraham. 
 
 In character and culture he is a fair representative of 
 the average American. His awkward speech and yet more 
 awkward silence, his uncouth manners, self-taught and 
 partly forgotten, his style miscellaneous, concreted from 
 the best authors, like a reading book, and yet oftentimes 
 of Saxon force and classic purity ; his argument, his logic 
 a joke ; both unseasonable at times and irresistable always ; 
 his questions answers, and his answers questions ; his 
 guoeses prophecies, and fuliillment ever beyond his prom- 
 ise ; honest yet shrewd ; simple yet retiscent ; heavy yet 
 energetic; never despairing, never sanguine; careless in 
 forms, conscientious in essentials ; never sacrificing a good 
 servant once trusted ; never deserting a good principle 
 once adopted ; not afraid of new ideas, nor despising old 
 ones ; improving opportunities to confess mistakes, ready 
 to learn, getting at facts, doing nothing when he knows 
 not what to do ; hesitating at nothing when he sees the 
 right; lacking the recognized qualifications of a party 
 leader, and leading his party as no other man can ; sus- 
 taining his political enemies in Missouri in their defeat, 
 sustaining his political friends in Maryland to their victo- 
 ry ; conservative in his sympathies and radical in his acts, 
 Socratic in his style and Baconian in his method ; his reli- 
 gion consisting in truthfulness, temperance : asking good 
 people to pray for him, and publicly acknowledging in 
 events the hand of God, yet he stands before you as the 
 type of c Brother Jonathan,' a not perfect man and yet 
 more precious than fine gold.' 
 
30 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Thf Pretldtnt In Society. 
 
 * On the occasion when the writer had the honor of 
 meeting the President, the company was a small one, with 
 most of whom he was personally acquainted. He was 
 much at his ease. There was a look of depression about 
 his face, which was habitual to him even before his child's 
 death. It was strange to me to witness the perfect terms 
 of equality on which he appeared to be with everybody. 
 Occasionally some of his interlocutors called to him : < Mr. 
 President, 5 but the habit was to address him simply as : Sir.' 
 It was not, indeed, till we were introduced to him that 
 we were aware that the President was one of the company. 
 He talked little, and seemed to prefer others talking to 
 him to talking himself ; but, when he spoke, his remarks 
 were always shrewd and sensible. You would never say 
 he was a gentleman ; you would still less say he was not 
 one. There are some women about whom no one ever 
 thinks in connection with beauty one way or the other ; 
 and there are men to whom the epithet of gentleman-like 
 or ungentleman-like appears utterly incongruous ; and of 
 such Mr. Lincoln is one. Still there is about him an ut- 
 ter absence of pretension, and an evident desire to be cour- 
 teous to everybody, which is the essence, if not the outward 
 form, of good breeding. There is a softness, too, alx ut 
 his smile, and a sparkle of dry humor about his eye, which 
 redeem the expression of his face, and remind us more of 
 the late Dr. Arnold, as a child's recollection recalls him, 
 than of any face we can call to mind. 
 
 The conversation, like that of all American official men 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 81 
 
 we have met with, was unrestrained in the presence of 
 strangers, to a degree perfectly astonishing. Any remarks 
 that we heard made, as to the present state of affiairs, we 
 do not feel at liberty to repeat, though really every public 
 man here appears not only to live in a glass house, but in 
 a reverberating gallery, and to be absolutely indifferent as 
 to who sees or heap him. Tnere are a few 6 Lincolnisms, 5 
 however, which we may fairly quote, and which will show 
 the style of his conversation. Some of the party began 
 smoking, and our host remarked, laughingly, < The Presi- 
 dent has got no vices : he neither smokes nor drinks/ 'That 
 is a doubtful compliment/ answered the President I ra- 
 collect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man 
 sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no 
 rices. He said nothing, smoked for some Jime, and then 
 grunted out, < its my experience that folks who have no 
 vices have plaguy few virtues.' Again a gentleman pres- 
 ent was telling how a friend of his had been driven away 
 from New Orleans as a Unionist, and how, on his expul- 
 sion, when he asked to see the writ by which he was ex- 
 pelled, the deputation which called on him told him that 
 the Government had made up their minds to do nothing il- 
 legal, and so they had issued no illegal writs, and simply 
 meant to make him go of his own free will. Well,' said 
 Mr. Lincoln, that reminds me of a hotel keeper down at 
 St. Louis, who boasted he never had a death in his hotel, 
 for whenever a guest was dying in his house he carried him 
 out to die in the street.' 
 
32 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Mr. Lincoln's Daily Life. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln is an early riser, and he thus is able to de- 
 vote two or three hours each morning to his voluminous 
 private correspondence, besides glancing at a city paper. 
 At nine he breakfasts then walks over to the .war office, 
 to read such war telegrams as they give him, (occasionally 
 some are withheld,) and to have a chat with General Hal- 
 leek on the military situation, in which he takes a great in- 
 terest. Returning to the white house, he goes through 
 with his morning's mail, in company with a private secre- 
 tary, who makes a minute of the reply which he is to make 
 and others the President retains, that he may answer 
 them himself. Every letter receives attention, and all 
 which are entitled to a reply receive one uo matter how 
 they are worded, or how inelegant the chirography may be- 
 
 Tuesday and Fridays are cabinet days, but on other 
 days visitors at the white house are requested to wait in 
 the anti-chamber, and send in their cards. Sometimes, 
 before the President has finished reading his mail Louis 
 will have a handful of pasteboard, and from the cards laid 
 before him Mr. Lincoln has visitors ushered in, giving pre- 
 cedence to acquaintances. Three or four hours do they 
 pour in, in "rapid succession, nine out of ten asking offices, 
 and patiently does the president listen to their application. 
 Care and anxiety have furrowed his rather homely features, 
 yet occasionally he is ' reminded of an anecdote' and good 
 humored glances beam from his clear, grey eyes, while his 
 ringing laugh shows that he is not ' used up' yet. The 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 33 
 
 simple and natural manner in which he delivers his 
 tkoughts makes him appear to those visiting him like an 
 earnest, affectionate friend. He makes little parade of 
 his legal science, and rarely indulges in speculative propo-. 
 eitions, but states his ideas in plain Angle-saxon, illumina- 
 ted by nany lively images and pleasing allusions, which 
 seem to f.ow as if in obedience to a resistless impulse of 
 his -nature. Some newspaper admirer attempts to deny 
 that the President tells stories. Why, it is rarely that any 
 one is in his company for fifteen minutes without hearing a 
 good tale, appropriate to the subject talked about. Many 
 a metaphysical argument docs he demolish by simply telling 
 an anecdote, which exactly overturns the verbal structure. 
 About four o'clock the President declines seeing any 
 more company, and often accompanies his wife in her car- 
 riage to take a drive. He is fond of horseback exercise 
 and when passing the summers' home used generally to go 
 in the saddle. The President dines at six, and it is rare 
 that some personal friends do not grace the round dining 
 table where he throws off the cares of office, and reminds 
 those who have been in Kentucky of the old school gentle- 
 man who used to dispense generous hospitality there. 
 From the dinner table the party retire to the crimson draw- 
 ing room, where coffee is served, and where the President 
 passes the evening, unless some dignitary has a special in- 
 terview. Such is the almost unvarying daily life of Abra- 
 ham Lincoln, whose administration will rank next in im- 
 portance to that of Washington in our national annals.' 
 
84 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Personal Habits of the President, 
 
 Those who know the habits of President Lincoln are 
 not surprised to hear of his personal visit to some general, 
 nor would any such be astonished to know that he was in 
 New York at any time. If he wanted to see anything or 
 anybody, he would be as likely to coine on as to send. He 
 has an orbit of his own, and no one can tell where he will 
 be or what he will do, from anything done yesterday. If 
 he wants a newspaper he is quite as likely to go out and 
 jjet it as he is to send a/ter it. If he want's to see the Sec- 
 retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call, 
 retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call. 
 At night, from ten to twelve, he usually makes a tour all 
 around now at Seward's and then at Halleck's ; and if 
 Burnside was nearer, he would see him each night before 
 he went to bed. Those who know his habits and want to 
 see him late at night, follow him round from place to place, 
 and the last search generally brings him up at Gen. Hal- 
 leck's, as he can get the latest army intelligence there 
 Whoever else is asleep or indolent the President is wide 
 awake and around. 
 
 Beneath all the playfulness of his mind burns a solemn 
 earnestness of patriotism; amid his prudence a great cour- 
 age ; in all his gentleness and compliance a determined 
 grasp of the reins, and a firmness not inferior to General 
 Jackson's, though without its passion and caprice. He is 
 a wise, true, sagacious, earnest and formidable leader.' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAil'8 BOSOM. 35 
 
 Several Little Stories, 
 BY AND ABOUT PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 
 
 * It would be hardly necessary to inform the nation that 
 x)ur President, in the midst of the anxieties of a state of 
 war that continually torture his mind, is wont to find oc- 
 casional relief in an appropriate anecdote or well-turned 
 jest. 
 
 No man, says Mrs. Stowe, has suffered more and deeper, 
 albeit with a dry, weary, patient pain, that seemed to some 
 like insensibility, than President Lincoln. * Whichever 
 way it ends/ he said to the writer, I have the impression 
 that / shan't last much longer after it is over.' 
 
 After the dreadful repulse of Fredericksburg, he is re- 
 ported to have said : If there is a man out of Hell that 
 suffers more than I do, I pity him.' In those dark days 
 his heavy eyes and worn and weary air told how our re- 
 verses wore upon him, and yet there was a never-failing 
 fund of patience at the bottom, that sometimes rose to the 
 Surface in some droll, quaint saying or story, that forced a 
 laugh even from himself. 
 
 Old Abe Consulting the Splritf. 
 
 A Washington correspondent of the Boston Saturday 
 Evening Gazette, gives the following account of a spiritual 
 manifestation at the White House : 
 
 A few evenings since Abraham Lincoln, the President 
 of the United States, was induced to give a Spiritual soiree 
 in the crimson room at the White House, to test the won- 
 
36 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 derful alleged supernatural powers of Mr. Charles E. 
 Shockle. It was my good fortune as a friend of the medi- 
 um to be present, the party consisting of the President, 
 Mrs. Lincoln, Mr. Welles, Mr. Stanton, Mr. L., of New 
 York, and Mr. F., of Philadelphia. We took our seats in 
 the circle about eight o'clock, but the President was called 
 ivvay shortly after the manifestations commenced, and the 
 spirits, which had apparently assembled to -convince him of 
 their power, gave visible tokens of their displeasure at 
 the President's absence, by pinching Mr. Stanton's ears 
 and twitching Mr. Welles' beard. The President soon re- 
 turned, but it was some time before harmony was restored, 
 for the mishaps to the Secretaries caused such bursts of 
 laughter, that the influence was very unpropitious. For 
 Bomo half hour the demonstrations were of a physical char- 
 acter tables were moved, and a picture of Henry Clay, 
 which hangs on the wall, was swayed more than a foot, and 
 two candelab/as, presented by the Dey of Algiers to Pres- 
 ident Adams, were twice raised nearly to the ceiling. 
 
 It was nearly nine o'clock before Shockle was fully under 
 spiritual influence, and so powerful were the subsequent 
 manifestations that twice during the evening restoratives 
 were applied, for he was much weakened, and though I 
 took no notes, I shall endeavor to give you as faithful an 
 account as possible of what took place. 
 
 Loud rappings about nine o'clock were 1 heard directly 
 beneath 'the President's feet, and -Mr. Shockle stated that 
 an Indian desired to communicate. 
 
 5 Well, sir,' said the President, I should be happy to 
 hear what his Indian majesty has to say. We have recent- 
 Jy had a visitation from our red brethren, and it was the 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 37 
 
 only delegation, black, white r blue, which 'did -not volun- 
 teer some advice about the conduct of the war/ 
 
 The medium then called for pencil and paper, and they 
 were laid upon the table in sight of all. A handkerchief 
 was then taken from Mr. Stanton, and the materials were 
 carefully concealed from sight. In less space of time than 
 it has required me to write this, knocks were heard, and 
 the paper was uncovered. To the surprise of all present, 
 it read as follows : 
 
 " Haste makes waste, but delays cause vexations. Give 
 vitality by energy. Use every means to subdue. Procla- 
 mations are useless. Make a bold front and fight the enemy, 
 leave traitors at home to the, care of the loyal men. Less 
 note of preparation, less parade and policy-talk and more 
 action. HENRY KNOX/' 
 
 6 That is not Indian talk, Mr. Shockle/ said the Presi- 
 dent. s Who is Henry Knox T 
 
 I suggested to the medium to ask who General Knox 
 was, and before the words were from my lips, the medium 
 spoke in a strange voice, The first Secretary of War.' 
 
 4 Oh, yes, General Knox/ said the President, who turn- 
 ing to the Secretary, said, Stanton, that message is for 
 you it is from your predecessor/ 
 
 Mr. Stanton made no reply. 
 
 < I should like to ask General Knox,' said the President, 
 if it is within the scope of his ability to tell us when this 
 rebellion will be put down/ 
 
 In the same manner as before this message was received; 
 
 ' Washington, Lafayette, Franklin, Wilberforce, Napo* 
 leon and myself have held frequent consultations upon this 
 
38 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 point. There is something which our spiritual eyes cannot 
 detect which prevents rapid consummation of plans which 
 appear well formed. Evil has come at times by removal 
 of men from high positions, and there are those in retire- 
 ment whose abilities should be made useful to hasten the 
 end. Napoleon says concentrate your forces upon one 
 point, Lafayette thinks that the rebellion will die of ex- 
 haustion, Franklin sees the end approaching as the South 
 must give up for want of mechanical ability to compete 
 against Northern mechanics, Wilberforce sees hope only in 
 a negro army. KNOX.' 
 
 < Well/ exclaimed the President, opinions differ among 
 the saints as well as among the sinners. They don't seem 
 to understand running the machine among the celestials 
 much better than we do. Their talk and advice sound very 
 much like the talk of my cabinet don't you think so Mr. 
 Welles?' 
 
 Well, I don't know I will think the matter over and 
 see what conclusions I arrive at.' 
 
 Heavy raps were heard and the alphabet was called for 
 when That's what's the matter' was spelled out. 
 
 There was a shout of laughter, and Mr. Welles stroked 
 his beard. 
 
 ' That means, Mr. Welles/ said the President, that you 
 are apt to be long-winded, and think the nearest way home 
 is the longest round. Short cuts in war times. I wish 
 the spirits would tell us how to catch the Alabama/ 
 
 The lights which had been partially lowered almost in- 
 stantaneously become so dim that I could not see sufficient- 
 ly to distinguish the features of any one in the room, and 
 on the large mirror over the mantel-peice there appeared 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 30 
 
 the most beautiful though supernatural picture eye ever be- 
 held. It represented a sea-view, the Alabama with all 
 steam up flying from the pursuit of another large steamer. 
 Two merchantmen in the distance were seen partially des- 
 troyed by fire. The picture changed and the Alabama was 
 Been at anchor under the shadow of an English fort from 
 which an English flag was flying. The Alabama was 
 floating idly, not a soul on board, and no signs of lif$ vis- 
 ible about her. 
 
 The picture vanished and in letters of purple appeared, 
 The English PEOPLE demand this of England's ARISTO- 
 CRACY.' 
 
 ' So England is to seize the Alabama finally ?' said the 
 President. 'It may be possible, but Mr. Welles, don't 
 let one gunboat or one monitor less be built.' 
 
 The spirits again called for the alphabet, and again 
 < That's what's the matter' was spelt out. 
 
 6 1 see, I see,' said the President. 4 Mother England 
 thinks that what's sauce for the goose may be sauce for 
 the gander. It may be tit, tat, too hereafter But it is 
 not very complimentary to our Navy anyhow/ 
 
 ' We've done our best, Mr. President/ said Mr. Welles. 
 6 I'm maturing a plan, which, when perfected, 1 think if it 
 works well, will be a perfect trap for the Alabama.' 
 
 Well, Mr. Shockle/ remarked the President, I havs 
 ieen strange things and heard rather odd remarks but 
 nothing which convinces me, except the pictures, that there 
 is anything very heavenly about all this. I should like 
 if possible, to hear what Judge Douglas says about this 
 war.' 
 
 6 I'll try to get his spirit/ said Mr. Shockle, * but it 
 
OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 sometimes happens, as it did to-night in the case of the 
 Indian, that though first impressed by one spirit, I yield 
 to another more powerful. If perfect silence is maintain- 
 ed, I will see if we cannot induce General Knox to send 
 for Mr. Douglas.' 
 
 Three raps were given, signifying assent to the proposi- 
 tion. Perfect silence was maintained, and after an in- 
 terval of- perhaps three minutes, Mr. Shockle rose quickly 
 from his chair 'and stood behind it, resting his left arm on 
 the back, his right thrust into his bosom. In a voice such 
 as no one could mistake who had ever heard Mr. Douglas, 
 he spoke. I shall not pretend to quote the language. It 
 was eloquent and choice. He urged the President to throw 
 aside all advisers who hesitated about the policy to be pur- 
 sued, and to listen to the wishes of the people, who would 
 sustain him at all points, if his aim was, as he believed it 
 was, to restore the Union. He said there were Burrs and 
 Blenderhassetts still living, but that they would wither 
 before the popular approval, which would follow one or 
 two victories, such as he thought must take place ere long. 
 The turning point in this war will be the proper use of 
 these victories ; if wicked men in the first hours of suc- 
 9ess think it time to devote their attention to party, the 
 war will be prolonged, but if victory is followed up by 
 energetic action all will be well. 
 
 < I believe that,' said the President, whether it comes 
 from spirit or human.' 
 
 Mr. Shockle was much prostrated after this, and at Mrs. 
 Lincoln's request it was thought best to adjourn the seance 
 sine die. 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 41 
 
 " Too Cussed Dirty." 
 
 The following story is often told of Father Abraham 
 abeut two contrabands, servants of General Kelly and 
 Capt. George Harrison. When the General and his staff 
 were on their way up the mountains they stopped at a 
 little village to get something to eat. They persuaded 
 the occupant of the farm-house to cook them a meal, and 
 in order to expedite matters, sent the two contrabands 
 mentioned to assist in preparing the repast. After it was 
 over the General told the negroes to help themselves. 
 An hour or two afterward he observed them gnawing 
 away at some hard crackers and flitch. 
 
 4 Why didn't you eat your dinner at the village ?.* 
 asked the General of one of them. 
 
 6 Well, to tell the God's trufe, General, it wos too cus- 
 sed dirty !' was the reply. 
 
 Old Abe on Bayonets. 
 
 You can't do anything with them Southern fellows, 
 the old gentleman at the table was saying. { If they get 
 whipped they'll retreat to them Southern swamps aud 
 bayous along with the fishes and crocodiles. You haven't 
 got the fish-nets made that'll catch 'em.' 'Look here, old 
 gentleman !' screamed old Abe, who was sitting along side 
 ' We've got just the nets for traitors, in the bayous or 
 anywhere. 'Hey? what nets?' Bayou.nets ? 9 and 
 Abraham pointed his joke with a fork, spearing a fishball 
 savagely. 
 
OLD ABE'S 
 
 Old Abe as a Mathematician. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln has a very effective way sometimes of deal- 
 ing with men who trouble him with questions. Somebody 
 asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. He 
 replied very seriously, * Twelve hundred thousand, accord- 
 ing to the best authority.' The interrogator blanched in 
 the face, and ejaculated <My God!' Yes, sir, twelve 
 hundred thousand no doubt of it. You see, all of our 
 Generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnum- 
 bers them from three or five to one, and I must believe 
 them. We have four hundred thousand men in the field, 
 and three times four make twelve. Don't you see it?' 
 The inquisitive man looked for his hat soon after c seeing 
 it' 
 
 Father Abe on the Wooden-legged Amateur. 
 
 Old Abe, once reminded of the enormous cost of the 
 war, remarked, ah, yes ! that reminds me of a wooden 
 legged amateur who iiappened to be with a Virginia skir- 
 mishing party when a shell burst near him, smashing his 
 artificial limb to bits, and sending a piece of iron through 
 the calf of a soldier near him. The soldier grinned and 
 bore it' like a man, while the amateur was loud and em- 
 phatic in his lamentation. Being rebuked by the wound^ 
 ed soldier, he replied : Oh, yes ; its all well enough for 
 you to bear it. Your leg didn't cost you anything, and 
 will heal up ; out I paid two hundred dollars for mine !' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 43 
 
 Lincoln Teaching the Soldier's How to Surrender arms. 
 
 As the members of one of our volunteer companies were 
 being practiced in the musket-drill, a gentleman, who, 
 although not of the corps, was acting as Lieutenant for 
 the day, said : * I will teach you the manner of surrender- 
 ing arms, so in case you ever have to do it, you will know 
 how to do it gracefully/ Mr. Lincoln standing near, im- 
 mediately responded : c Hold on, Lieutenant ; I'll teach 
 them that myself.' Ho seized a musket from a soldier 
 standing near, and raised it to his shoulder a moment, as 
 if in the act of firing upon an enemy ; then letting it drop 
 from his hand, he imitated the action of a man shot 
 through the heart, staggered heavily forward, and fell 
 upon the piece. He sprang up again in a moment and 
 cried ; That's the way to surrender arms !' A tremen- 
 dous shout broke from the ranks. * That's the kind we 
 learn surrender and die at the same time ; never mind 
 the grace of it. And the * grace of it' was discarded.' 
 
 Abe's Curiosity. 
 
 Father Abraham says he lately discovered in an old 
 drawer which had not been opened for years, a remarka- 
 ble silver coin, which had on one side a head with the 
 word Liberty' surrounded by thirteen stars, and the date 
 1860. On the opposite was an eagle with the motto 
 < E Pluribus Unum/ the words United States of Ameri- 
 ca^' and the figures < lOc !' 
 
OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Lincoln Agreeably Disappointed. - < 
 Mr. Lincoln, as the highest public officer of the nation 
 is necessarily very much bored by all sorts of people call- 
 ing upon him. 
 
 An officer of the Government called one day at the 
 White House, and introduced a clerical friend. 4 Mr 
 President,' said he, { allow me to present to you my friend 
 
 the Rev. Mr. F. of . Mr. F. has expressed a desire 
 
 to see yoii and have some conversation with ycu, and lam 
 happy to be the means of introducing him.' The Presi- 
 dent shook hands with Mr. F., and desiring him to be 
 seated took a seat himself. Then his countenance hav- 
 ing assumed an air of patient waiting he said; "*T am 
 now ready to hear what you have to say.' { 0, bless you, 
 sir/ said Mr. F., I have nothing especially to say. I mere- 
 ly called to pay my respects to you, and, as one of the 
 million, to assure you of my hearty sympathy and support.' 
 My dear sir,' said the President, rising promptly his 
 face showing instant relief, and with both hands grasping 
 that of his visitor, I am very glad to see you, indeed. / 
 thought you had come to preach to me V 
 
 Secesh Lady. 
 
 A Secesh lady of Alexandria, who was ordered away 
 into Dixie by the Government, destroyed all her furniture 
 and cut down her trees, so that the * cursed Yankees' should 
 not enjoy them. Lincoln hearing of this, the order was 
 countermanded, and she returned to see in her broken 
 penates, the folly of her conduct. 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 45 
 
 ONE OF ABE'S LAST. I can't say for certain who will 
 be the people's choice for President, but to the best of my 
 belief it will be the successful candidate.' 
 
 The following, although not belonging to Father Abe. 
 is not so bad : 
 
 Gen. Hindman's mode of financiering. 
 
 Gen. Hindman, had resolved to go into the neighboring 
 State of Arkansas, d etermined to raise a forced loan of 
 one million dollars from the banks of Memphis, four in 
 number. None of the moneyed inhabitants gave very 
 cheerful accord to the demand. The President of one of 
 them hesitated some time, and finally told the General that 
 he could not accommodate him. 
 
 I must have it,' said the general. 
 
 6 By what authority do you demand it?' asked the bank 
 president. 
 
 6 By the authority of the sword,' replied Hindman. 
 
 ( Of course I cannot resist that/ said the financial man. 
 
 6 1 should think not, 7 responded the rebel commander. 
 
 And so it turned out. The money was taken out 6f the 
 bank vaults by a party of rebel soldiers detailed by Hind- 
 man for that purpose. 
 
 4 1 feel patriotic,' said an old rowdy. e What do yon 
 by feeling patriotic?' inquired the President, who 
 was standing by. c Why, I feel as if I wanted to kill 
 somebody or steal something.' The Tennessee authori- 
 
46 OLD ABB'S JOKES, ' 
 
 ties felt the same kind of patriotism on the Fourth of 
 July; and as they didn't like to venture upon killing any 
 body ; they stole the trains of the Louisville and Nash- 
 ville Railroad. 
 
 Old Abe's story of New Jersey. 
 
 One terribly stormy night in bleak December, a United 
 States vessel was wrecked off the coast of Jersey, and 
 every soul save one, went down with the doomed craft. 
 This one survivor seized a floating spar and was washed 
 toward the shore, while innumerable kind-hearted tools 
 of the Camden and Amboy railroad clustered on the beach 
 with boats and ropes. Slowly the unhappy mariner drift- 
 ed to land and as he exhaustedly caught at the rope 
 thrown to him, the kindly natives uttered an encouraging 
 cheer. You are saved ! J they shouted. ' You are saved, 
 and must show the conductor your ticket!' With the sea 
 still boiling about him, the drowning stranger resisted the 
 efforts to haul him ashore. 'Stop!' said he, in faint 
 tones * tell me where I am ! What country is this ?' They 
 Answered 'New Jersey/ Scarcely had the name been ut- 
 tered when the wretched stranger let go the rope, ejacu- 
 lating, as he did so, ' I guess I'll float a little farther !' 
 
 Swearing a Contraband. 
 
 The President often tells the following, which may be 
 considered rich. Company K, of the first Iowa Cavalry, 
 stationed in Tennessee, received into their camp a middle- 
 aged but vigorous contraband. Innumerable questions 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 47 
 
 * 
 
 were being propounded to him, when a corporal advanced 
 observing, * See here, Dixie, before you can enter the 
 service of the United States you must be sworn.' 
 
 ' Yes, massa, I do dat,' he replied ; when the corporal 
 continued : 
 
 Well then, take hold of the Bible,' holding out a letter 
 envelope, upon which was delineated the Goddess of Lib- 
 erty, standing on a Suffolk pig, wearing the emblem of 
 our country. The negro grasped the envelope cautiously 
 with his thumb and finger, when the corporal proceeded 
 to administer the oath by saying: 
 
 4 You do solemnly swear that you will support the Con- 
 stitution of the United States, and see that there are no 
 grounds floating upon the coffee at all times.' 
 
 1 Yes, massa, I do dat,' he replied ; * I allers settle him 
 in de coffee-pot.' 
 
 Here he let go the envelope to gesticulate by a down- 
 ward thrust of his forefinger the direction that would be 
 given to the coffee grounds for the future. 
 
 4 Never mind how you do it,' shouted the corporal, * but 
 hold on to the Bible/ 
 
 Lordy massa, I forgot/ said the negro, as he darted 
 forward and grasped the envelope with a firmer clutch, 
 when the corporal continued : 
 
 * And you do solemnly swear that you will support ths 
 Constitution of all loyal States, and not gpit upon the 
 plates when cleaning them, or wipe them with your shirt- 
 sleeves.' 
 
 Here a frown lowered upon the brow of the negro, his 
 eyes expanded to their largest dimensions, while his lips 
 protruded with a rounded form as he exclaimed : 
 
48 OLD ABE'S JOKES. 
 
 'Lordy, massa, I never do dat. I allers washes Mm 
 nice. ' Ole missus mighty 'ticler 'bout dat.' 
 
 Never mind ole missus/ shouted the corporal, as he 
 resumed : and do you solemnly swear that you will put 
 milk into the coffee every morning, and see that the ham 
 -and eggs are not cooked too much or too little.' 
 
 6 Yes, I do dat, I-se a good cook/ 
 
 6 And lastly/ continued the corporal, { you do solemnly 
 swear that when this war is over you'll make tracks for 
 Africa mighty fast/ 
 
 6 Yes, massa, I do dat. I allers wanted to go to Chee- 
 cargo 
 
 Hfcio the regimental drum beat up for dress parade, 
 when Tom Benton that being his name was declared 
 duly sworn in and commissioned as chief-cook in Company 
 K. of the first Iowa Cavalry. 
 
 The Jeff. Davis Confederacy is getting so hard up for 
 troops, that it has commenced the seizure of tobacco-chew- 
 era, in order to secure their old soldiers.' 
 
 Lincoln and Col. Weller. 
 
 Weller was at Washington settling his accounts as 
 Minister to Mexico. After their adjustment, he concluded 
 to pay his respects to Mr. Lincoln, with whom he had 
 served in Congress. He called at the Presidential man- 
 sion, and was courteously received. { Mr. President,' said 
 Colonel Weller, f I have called on you to say that I most 
 heartily endorse the conservative position you have {^uitiCx 
 
FiiKSIT FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 49 
 
 and will stand by you as long as you prosecute the war for 
 the preservation of the Union and the Constitution,' 
 
 Colonel Weller,' said the President, ' I am heartily glad 
 to hear you say this.' * Yes, Mr. President,' said Weller, 
 
 I desire- an appointment to aid in this work.' What do 
 you want, Colonel?' asked Abraham. *J desire to be ap- 
 pointed Commodore in the Navy, 9 said Weller. The Presi- 
 dent repled : Colonel, I did not think you had any ex- 
 perience as a sailor,' < I never had, Mr. President,' said 
 Weller ; but, judging from the Brigadier-Generals you 
 have appointed in Ohio, the less experience a man has, the 
 higher position he attains.' Lincoln turned off with a 
 hearty laugh, and said : ' I owe you one, Colonel !' 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln's Bonnet. 
 
 ' Burleigh,' e gets off ' the following gossip about a bon- 
 net for Mrs. Lincoln : 
 
 About the same number of cities that contended 
 
 " For Homer dead, 
 Throngh which the living Homer begged his bread." 
 
 are contending for the honor of furnishing a hat for the 
 head that reclines on Abraham's bosom. In New York, 
 from Canal street to Fourteenth, from Philadelphia to 
 Bangor, can be seen on exhibition a Bonnet for Mrs. 
 President Lincoln.' These establishments send on and 
 notify Mrs. L. that they have a love of a bonnet, which 
 they are desirous to present to her as a testimonial of their 
 loyalty and great regard for her personally. The amiable 
 and kind*hearted lady of the White House (for such she is) 
 condescends to accept the gift, and at once *Mfg Lincoln'* 
 
OLD ABE'S JOKES. 
 
 Hat,* is on exhibition, and crowds flock to see it. And 
 such. a hat! a condensed milliner's stock in trade, arched 
 high enough to admit a canal boat under it, scalloped, 
 fluted and plaited, loaded with bugles, birds of Paradise, 
 .French lace and gewgaws known by name only to the 
 trade, black and white crape, with a mingling of ribbons 
 of all hues, and as many contradictions as there are in a, 
 glass of punch. A fit capstone to the cranium of a ' Madge 
 Wildfire.' Mrs. Lincoln may wear all these bonnets, but 
 judging from the specimen I saw, ' uneasy lies the head that 
 wears '- such a bonnet 
 
 Honest Abe's Replies. 
 
 Old Abe being asked what he had done for his country, 
 made the following reply: 
 
 1st. I confiscated their cotton, but in return gave them 
 Wool/ 
 
 2d. I have exercised a Foslcr-ing ' care over North 
 Carolina. 
 
 3d. I gave them a l Pope ' to control their misguided 
 zeal. 
 
 4th. Notwithstanding the financial condition of their 
 country, I established ' Banks ' in New Orleans. 
 
 5th. I furnished them with a 6 Butler ' and Porter/ 
 
 6th. When the slaves in South Carolina fled from their 
 masters, I sent them a Hunter,' who found them by hun- 
 dreds. 
 
 7th. When they invaded Pennsylvania to reap a har- 
 vest, I fnrnished the ' Sickles ' and gave them c Meade ' to 
 cool taeir heated blood. 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 51 
 
 The Presidential Hymn of Thanks. 
 
 Miles O'Rielly, the soldier who was arrested on Morri? 
 Island, S. C., for making poetry, and pardoned by the 
 President, in response to a witty poetical petition, has sent 
 a hymn of thanks to the President, beginning ; 
 
 " Long life to you, Misther Lincoln ; 
 
 May you die both late and aisy ; 
 An' whin you lie wid the top of aich toe 
 Turned up to the roots of a daisy,. 
 May this be youi epitaph, nately writ : 
 
 k Though thraitors abused him vilely, 
 He was honest an' kindly, he loved a joke, 
 
 An' he pardoned Myles O'Rielly.' " 
 
 What Old Abe says of Tennessee. 
 
 It is a fertile country, and the people are putting in 
 
 crops after a fashion, and under difficulties. He asked a 
 
 lady from there not long ago, 
 
 ' Will you make a crop of cotton this year V 
 
 I am going to try.' 
 
 4 How many hands have you got T 
 
 * One woman.' 
 
 It struck me, says Abe, that a crop of cotton * made ' by 
 
 one female citizen of African descent would not be what la 
 
 generally nominated a ' BIG THING. 
 
52 OLD ABB'S JOKES, 
 
 A Patriotic (?) Darkey. 
 
 Our President also tells the following story : 
 
 Upon the hurricane deck of one of our gunboats, an 
 elderly darkey, with a very philosophical and retrospec- 
 tive cast of countenance, squatted upon his bundle, toast- 
 ing his shins against the chimney and apparently plunged 
 into a state of profound meditation. Finding upon inquiry 
 that he belonged to the Ninth Illinois, one of the most gal- 
 lantly behaved and heavy losing regiments at the Fort 
 Douelson battle, and part of which was aboard, began to 
 interrogate him upon the subject: 
 . Were you in the fight?' 
 
 Had a little taste of it' sa.' 
 
 < Stood your ground, did you?' 
 
 * No, sa, I runs.' 
 
 1 Run at the first fire, did you ?' 
 
 1 Yes, sa, and would hab run soona, had I knowd it 
 war comin.' 
 
 * Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage/ 
 ^ * Dat isn't rny line, sa cookin's my profeshun.' 
 
 1 Well, but have you no regard for your reputation?' 
 1 Reputation's nuffin to me by de side ob life.' 
 
 * Do you consider your life worth more than other peo- 
 ple's ?' 
 
 ' It's worth more to me, sa.' 
 
 ' Then you must value it very highly ?' 
 
 * Yes, sa, 1 does, more dan all dis wuld, more dan a mil- 
 liau ob dollars sa, for what would dat be wuth to a muu 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 3 
 
 wid de bref out obhim ? Self-preserbation am de fust law 
 wid me.' 
 
 ' But why should you act upon a different rule from other 
 men ?' 
 
 4 Because different men set different values upon their 
 lives; mine is not in de market.' 
 
 u But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction oi 
 knowing that you died for your country.' 
 
 ' What satifaction would dat be to to me when de powei 
 of feelin' was gone ?' 
 
 * Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you ?' 
 
 * Nufin whatever, sa I regard them as among the vaui 
 ties.' 
 
 * If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have broker 
 up the government without resistance.' 
 
 4 Yes, sa, dar would hab been no help for it. I wouldnt 
 put my life in de scale 'ginst any gobernment dat eber ex- 
 isted, for no gobernment could replace de.loss to me.' 
 
 Do you think any of your company would have missed 
 you if you had been killed ? 
 
 4 Maybe not, sa a dead white man ain't much to desa 
 sogers, let alone a dead nigga but I'd a missed myself 
 and dat was de pint wid me.' 
 
 o 
 
 Old Abe a Coward. 
 
 If Lincoln should be renominated for the Presidency, 
 why would he be a cowardly aiitagonigt ? Because he 
 would be sure to run. 
 
OLD ABE'S 
 
 Abraham Advise sthe "Springs/ 1 
 
 It is stated that Old Abe being much disgusted at the 
 crowd of officers who some time ago used to loiter about 
 the Washington hotels, and he is reported to have remark- 
 ed to a member of Congress : " These fellows and the Con- 
 gressmen do vex me sorely, they should certainly visit the 
 4 Springs.' 
 
 Lincoln 'Mctalic Ring.' 
 
 The new fractional notes have upon the face a faint oval 
 ring 6f bronze encircling the vignette. Upon being asked 
 its use, Mr. Lincoln said: It was a faint attempt on the 
 part of Mr. Chase to give the currency a metalic ring.' 
 
 Abe tells the following story about a drunken captain 
 who met a private of his company in the same condition. 
 The captain ordered him to 'halt,' and endeavoring in vain 
 to assume a firm position on his feet, and to talk with dig- 
 nified severity, exclaimed : Private Smith, 111 give you 
 tl )hic) four o'clock to gissober in." Cap'n,' replied the 
 
 soldier, * as you'r (hie) sight drunkerniam, I'll give 
 
 you tl five o'clock to gissober in.' 
 
 Old Abe tells the following anecdote of a prisoner, a 
 Union soldier, a droll-looking fellow. I accosted him 
 with, < Well, my fine fellow, what are you in here for ?' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 55 
 
 ' For taking something,' he replied. 'What do you mean?' 
 4 Why,' said he, one morning I did not feel very well, and 
 went to see the surgeon. He was busy writing at the 
 time, and when I went in he looked at me, saying, < Well, 
 you do look bad ; you had better take something/ He 
 then went on with his writing, and left me standing be- 
 hind him. I looked around, and saw nothing I could take 
 except his watch, and I took that. That's what I am in 
 here for.' 
 
 A Good Word for Mr. Lincoln. 
 
 It is some amends for the ridicule which has been un- 
 sparingly heaped by certain presses upon Mr. Lincoln, 
 that the London Spectator, one of the most intelligent and 
 most respectable journals in Europe, finds occasion for the 
 following words about him : 
 
 6 Mr. Lincoln has been treated, as few governors hare 
 ever been treated, and although he may not always have 
 risen fully to the level of a great emergency, he has sel- 
 dom failed to display a noble impartiality, a great firm- 
 ness of purpose, and a sagacious, if somewhat utilitarian 
 judgment. We believe a juster man never held the reins 
 of government*' 
 
 Sinecure vs Water-oure. 
 
 1 The private secretary of the President is a wag. A 
 young man decidedly inebriated, walked into the c^ecu- 
 tive mansion and asked for the President. 
 
5(5 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 6 What do you want with him ?' inquired the Secretary. 
 
 * Oh, I want un office with a good salary -a sinecure.' 
 
 * Well,' replied the Secretary, k I can tell you some- 
 thing better lor you than a sinecure you had better try 
 water cure.' 
 
 A. new idea seemed to strike the young inebriate and 
 he vamosed. 
 
 The Negro in a Hogshead. 
 
 Abe often laughs over the following : 
 
 A curious incident, which escaped general attention at 
 the time of its occurrence, happened at police headquar- 
 ters during the riot. While President Acton was giving 
 some final orders to a squad of men who were just leaving 
 to combat the crowd in First avenue, a wagon containing 
 a hogshead was driven rapidly up to the Mulberry street 
 door, by a lad who appeared much excited and almost 
 breathless. 
 
 < What have you there, my lad T said the President. 
 
 < Supplies for your men/ was the answer. 
 What are they ?' 
 
 ' It is an assorted lot, sir ; but the people says it's con- 
 traband.' 
 
 Being exceedingly busy, the President ordered the wa- 
 gon to be driven round to the Mott street entrance, where 
 an officer was sent to look after the goods. When the 
 wai>-on arrived the officers were about to tip the cask out, 
 but where prevented by the boy, who exclaimed i 
 
 * Wait a minute* bring me a hatchet' A hatchet was 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 57 
 
 brought, and the little fellow set to work unheading the 
 cask, and as he did so the officers were astonished to see 
 two. lull grown negroes snugly packed inside. Upon being 
 assured by the lad that they were safe they raised their 
 heads, took a long snuff of fresh air, and exclaimed, 'Bress 
 cle Lord:!' 
 
 The boy stated that the rioters had chased the poor un- 
 fortunates into the rear of some houses on the west side of 
 the town, and that they had escaped by staling a fence 
 and landing in a grocer's yard ; that the grocer^ was 
 friendly to them, but feared his place might be sacked if 
 they were found there, He accordingly hit upon this 
 novel plan of getting them out, and while he kept watch 
 in front the boy coopered the negroes up. The cask was 
 then rolled out like a hogshead of sugar, placed in the 
 wagon and driven off to Mulberry street. The colored 
 heroes of this iidventurc may still be found at police head- 
 quarters, thankful to the ingenuity and daring of those 
 who suggested and 'carried out this singular method of sav- 
 ing them from violence.' 
 
 _ o 
 
 Mr. Lincoln's Kind-Heartedness. 
 
 'Anlncident connected with Mr. Shultz illustrates the 
 kind-heartedness 01' Mr. Lincoln On his return from his 
 former imprisonment, on parole, young Shultz was sent to 
 Camp Parole, at Alexandria. Having had no furlough 
 siiiL-o tho war, efforts were made, without success, to get 
 him liberty to pay a brief visit to his friends; but having 
 faith in the warm-heat U-dness of the President, the young 
 soldier's widowed mother wrote to Mr. Lincoln, stating 
 
58 OLD ABP/8 JOKES, 
 
 that he had been in nearly every battle fought by the army 
 of the Potomac, had never asked a furlough, was now a 
 paroled prisoner, and in consequence unable to perform 
 active duties, that two of his brothers had also served in 
 the army, and asking that he be allowed to visit home, 
 that she might see him once more. Her trust in the Pres- 
 ident was not unfounded. He immediately caused a fur- 
 lough to be given to her son, who, shortly before he was 
 exchanged, visited his family, to their great surprise and 
 
 joy. 
 
 "Dat's what Skeered 'em so bad!" 
 
 Says Lincoln, We were passing along the wharves a 
 few days ago, wondering at the amount of business that 
 was there transacted. While standing observing a cargo 
 of horses being transferred from a vessel to the shore, an 
 old contraband' appeared at our elbow, touching his fur 
 hat, and scraping an enormous foot. He opened his bat- 
 tery upon us with the following: 
 
 ' Well, boss, how is yer ?' 
 
 ' Pretty well, daddy ; how are you ?' 
 
 * I'se fuss rate, I is. B'long.to Old Burnemside's boys, 
 does yer?' 
 
 * Yes, I belong to that party. Great boys, ain't they V 
 1 Well I thought yer b'longed to dat party. Great man, 
 
 he is, dat's sartin. Yes, sir. We waited and waited ; we 
 heard yer was coming' but we mos guv yer up. 'Deed we 
 jest did ; but one mornin 5 we heard de big guns, way down 
 ribber, go bang, bang, bang, and de folks round yer began 
 to cut dar stick mitey short, and trabble up de rail track. 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 59 
 
 Den bress de good Lord, we knowed yer was coming, but 
 we held our jaw. Bymeby de sojers begun to cut dar 
 stick, too, and dey did trabble ! Goramity, 'pears dey 
 made de dirt fly! Ya, ha!' 
 * Why, were they scared so bad ?' 
 
 ' De sogers didn't skeer urn so much as dem black boats. 
 Rase, yer see, de sojers shot solid balls, and dey not mind 
 dem so much ; but when dem boats say b-o-o-m, dey 
 knowd de rotten balls was comin, and they skeeted quick- 
 ern a streak of litenin.' 
 
 1 What! rotten balls did the boats throw at them 
 1 Dont yer know ? What, dem balls dat are bad, dar 
 rotten ; iiy all to bits 'deed does dey play de very deb- 
 bil wid yer. No dodgin' dem dere balls : ' kase yer dun- 
 no whare dey f.y too strike yah and fly yandah ; dat's 
 what skeered 'em so bad!' 
 
 < Well, what are you going to do when the war's over 
 4 Dunno, 'praps I goes Noff wid dis crowd. Pretty 
 muck so, I guess. Tears ter me dis child had better be 
 movinV 
 
 The Darned Thing. 
 
 The following was told of a soldier wounded by a shell 
 from Fort Wagner. He was going to the rear with a 
 mutilated arm. 
 
 ' Wounded by a shell ?' he was asked. 
 
 * Yes / he coolly answered, ' I was right under the darn- 
 ed thing when the bottom drooped out,' 
 
60 OLD ABE'S JOKES. 
 
 The President shaking hands with Wounded Rebels. 
 
 A correspondent, who was with the President on the 
 occasion of his recent visit to Frederick, Md., tells the 
 following incident: 
 
 ' After leaving Gen. Richardson, the party passed a 
 house in which was a large number of confederate wound- 
 ed. By request of the President, the party alighted and 
 entered the building. Mr. Lincoln, after looking, remark- 
 ed to the woundH confederates that if they had no 
 objection he would be pleased to take them by the hand. 
 He said the solemn obligations which we owe to our coun- 
 try and posterity compel the prosecution of this war, and 
 it followed that many were our enemies through uncon- 
 trollable circumstances and he bore them no malice, and 
 could take them by the hand with sympathy and good feel- 
 ing. After a short silence the confederates came forward, 
 and each silently but fervently shook the hand of the 
 President. Mr. Lincoln and Gen. McClellan then walked 
 forward by the side of those who were wounded too 
 severely to be able to arise, and bid them to be of good 
 cheer ; assuring them that every possible care should be 
 bestowed upon them to ameliorate their condition. It 
 was a moving scene, and there was not a dry eye in the 
 building, either among the nationals or confederates. 
 Both the President and Gen. McClellan were kind in 
 their remarks and treatment of the rebel sufferers during 
 this remarkable interview/ 
 
* Pedlar made to swallow his own Pies. 
 
 We have read frequent allusions to the rough points in 
 the character of General Nelson, who has succeeded, we 
 believe, to the command of Gen. Mitchell's division. The 
 following account of one of his performances sounds so 
 much like other things alleged of him, that we suspect it 
 may be accounted at least half true, and may not be out 
 of place in Old Abe's Jokes : 
 
 Gen. Nelson, the commander of our division, occasion- 
 ally comes dashing through camp, bestowing a gratuitous 
 cursing to some offender and .is off like a shot. He is a 
 great, rough, profane old fellow has followed the seas 
 many years. He has a plain, good, old fashioned fire- 
 place kindness about him that is always shown to those 
 that do their duty. But offenders meet with no mercy at 
 his hands. The General hates pedlars. There are many 
 that come about the camp selling hoe-cakes, pies, milk, 
 <fec., at exorbitant prices. Cracker-fed-soldiers are free 
 with their inonev ; they will pay ten times the value of au 
 article if they want it. The other dtiy the General came 
 across a pedlar selling something that he called pies, not 
 the delicious kind of pies that our Northern mothers ake 
 the very thought of which even now makes me home 
 sick but an indigestible combination of flattened dough 
 and wolly peaches, minus sugar, minus spice, minus every- 
 thing that is good any of which the General swore 
 would kill a hyena deader than the devil. * What do 
 you charge for those pies? 1 belched out the General. 
 * Fifty cents apiece/ responded the pie-man. * Fifty cents 
 
gg OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 .'!}jiuce, for pies,' roared the General. Now, you infernal 
 swindling pirate,' roared he, letting fly one of his great 
 rifled oaths, that fairly made the fellow tremble, I want 
 you to go to work and cram every one of those pies down 
 you as quick as the Lord will let you. Double quick, you 
 villain.' Expostulations, appeals, or promises were of no 
 avail, and the pedlar was forced, to the great amusement 
 of the soldiers, to down half a dozen of his own pies all 
 he had left. Now,' said the General to the fellow, after 
 he had finished his repast, and stood looking as death- like 
 as tlio certain doctor that was forced to swallow his o\%n 
 medicine * leave, and if eve'r I catch you back here 
 again, swindling iny men, I'll hang you/ The man do- 
 parted. 
 
 Old Abe occasionally Browses Around, 
 
 A party of gentlemen, among whom was a doctor of di- 
 vinity of great comeliness of manner called at the White 
 House, to pay their respects to the President. On inquir- 
 ing for that dignitary, the servant informed them that the 
 President was at dinner, but he would present their 
 cards. The doctor demurred to-this, saying they would 
 not disturb Mr. Lincoln, but would call again. Michael 
 -persisted in assuring them it. would make no difference to 
 the President, and bolted in with the cards. In a few 
 minutes, the President walked into the room, with a kind, 
 ly salutation, and a request that the friends would take 
 seats. The doctor expressed his regret that their visit 
 was so ill-timed, and that his Excellency was disturbed 
 while at dinner. 0! no consequence at all,' said the, 
 
FJIKSH FKOM ABHAM.AMS BOSOM. f$3 
 
 jjood-imtureil Mr. Lincoln: 'Mrs. Lincoln is absent at 
 present, and when she ig away, I generally browse 
 around.' 
 
 Mr. Lincoln and the Barber. 
 
 The other day a distinguished public officer was at 
 Washington, and in an interview with the President, in- 
 troduced tlie question of slavery emancipation. < Well, 
 you see, } said Mr. Lincoln, 4 we've got to be mighty 
 cautious how we manage the negro question. If we're 
 not we shall be like the barber out in Illinois, who was 
 shaving a fellow with a hatchet face and lantern jaws 
 like mine. The barber stuck his finger in his customer's 
 mouth to make his cheek stick .out, but while shaving 
 away he cut througli the fellow's cheek and cut off hii 
 own finger! If we don't play mighty smart about tk 
 nigger we shall do as the barber did.' 
 
 Old Abe on the " Compromise." 
 
 When the conversation turned upon the discussions as to 
 the Missouri Compromise, it elicited the following quaint 
 remark from the President : It used to amuse ILS some 
 (sic) to find that the slave holders wanted more territory; 
 because they had not room enough for their slaves, and yet 
 they complained of not having the slave trade, because 
 they wanted more slaves for their room.' 
 
OLD ABE'P JOKES, 
 
 Old Abe on Banks' Expedition. 
 
 When Gen. Banks was fitting out his expedition to New 
 Orleans, it will be remembered that the Preident used to 
 answer all questions as to its destination with great frank- 
 ness, bj saying that it was going South. 
 
 . . *' 
 
 <% 
 
 Sufficient Cause for Furlough. 
 
 President Lincoln received the following pertinent letter 
 from an indignant private, which speaks for itself: " Dear 
 President I have been in the service eighteen months, and 
 1 have never received a cent. I desire a furlough for 
 fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my family 
 to the poor house/ The President granted the furlough. 
 It's a good story and true. 
 
 -o 
 
 The President on " Mud." 
 
 By special permission of the Censor of the Press,' we 
 are allowed to mention that the President, on alighting 
 from his carriage, after his late Aquia Creek excursion, 
 remarked, ' that it was all nonsense to say Virginia was 
 disaffected, as he had found it & Clay State up to tkt* 
 Lub.' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 65 
 
 Lincoln on his Cabinet " Help." 
 
 A prominent senator was remonstrating with Mr. Lin- 
 coln a few days ago about keeping Mr. Chase in his Cab i- 
 net, when it was well known that Mr. C. is opposed, tootli 
 and nail, to Mr. Lincoln's re-election. 
 
 4 Now, see hore,' said the President, ; when I was elect- 
 ed I resolved to hire my four Presidential rivals, pay them 
 their wages, and be their ' boss.' These were Seward, 
 Chase, Cameron and Bates ; but I got rid of Cameron after 
 he had played himself out. As to discharging Chase or 
 Seward, don't talk of it. I pay them their wages and am 
 their boss, wouldn't let either oi them out on the loose for 
 the fee simple of the Alrnaden patent.' 
 
 Mr. Lincoln and the Millerite. 
 
 A gentleman, it is said, sometime ago hinted to the Pre- 
 sident that it was deemed quite settled that he would 
 accept a re-nomination for his present office, whereupon Mr. 
 'Lincoln was reminded of a story of Jesse Dubois, out in 
 Illinois. Jesse, as State Auditor, had charge of the State 
 House at Springfield. An itinerant preacher came along 
 and asked the use of it for a lecture. ' On what subject ?' 
 asked Jesse. * On the second coming of our Saviour,' an- 
 swered the long-faced Millerite. . 'Oh, bosh,' retorted 
 uncle Jesse, testily, I guess if our Saviour had ever been 
 to Springfield, and had Ot away with his life, he'd be too 
 smart to think of coming back again.' This, Mr. Lincolu 
 laid, was very much ki* vae about the succession. 
 
66 OLD ABR'S .TOKRS. 
 
 A Good One by Old Abe. 
 
 The President is rather vain of his height, but one day 
 a young man called on him who was certainly three inches 
 taller than the former ; he was like the mathematics ! 
 definition of the straight line, length without breadth. 
 ' Really,' said Mr. Lincoln, 4 J must look up to you ; if you 
 ever get into a deep place you ought to be able to wade* 
 out 
 
 o 
 
 Tanning Leather. 
 
 During the siege of Vicksburg, several politicians called 
 upon General Grant to talk about political matters. Gen. 
 Grant listened to them for a few moments, and then inter- 
 rupted them, saying: 'There is no use of talking about 
 politics to me. 1 know nothing about the subject, and 
 furthermore, I don't know of any person among my acquain- 
 tance who does. But there is one subject with which I arn 
 acquainted, talk of that, and I am your man,' 4 What is 
 that, General?' asked the politicians, in surprise. 'Tan- 
 ning leather,' replied General Grant. General Grant's 
 lather was a wealthy tanner out west, before the rebellion, 
 and the General assisted in conducting the business. 
 
FRESH FROMABRAHAM S BOSOM. 67 
 
 Southern ' Happiness." 
 
 Old Abe declares, in epigrammatic phase, the only 
 happy people in the Confederacy are those who have black 
 hearts or black skins.' 
 
 Reduced to plainer English, this confession means that 
 the rebel rulers and the rebel speculators are all rascals 
 together, and that the blacks are never happy until they 
 begin to run away from such contaminating influences. 
 
 Lincoln's Advice. 
 
 President Lincoln is not so far weighed down by th 
 ares of his office that he cannot still tell a good story. 
 He is greatly bothered, as a matter of course, by men who 
 have got some patent plan for conqueriing the rebels. One 
 man has an invention which, if applied to our ships, will 
 enable them to batter down every rebel fort on the entire 
 southern coast. Another has a river gunboat, which can 
 eail straight down -the Mississippi, without the fear of a 
 rebel shell or ball, and so on. A few days ago a western 
 farmer sought the President day after day, until he pro- 
 cured the much-desired audience. He, too, had a plan for 
 the successful prosecution of the war, to which Mr. Lincoln 
 listened as patiently as he could. When he was through, 
 he asked the opinion of the President upon his plan. 
 'Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, I'll answeT by telling you a 
 story. You have heard of Mr. Blank, of Chicago? He 
 
68 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 was an immense loafer in his way, in fact, never did any- 
 thing in his life. One day he got crazy over a great rise 
 in the price of wheat upon which many wheat speculators 
 gained large fortunes. Blank started off one morning to 
 one of the most successful of the wheat speculators, and 
 with much enthusiasm laid before him a < plan' by which 
 he, the said Blank, was certain of becoming independently 
 rich. When he had finished, he asked the opinion of his 
 hearer upon his plan of operations. The reply came as 
 follows : ' My advice is that you stick to your bitsiness.' 
 6 But,' asked Blank, what is my business ?' < I don't 
 know, I'm sure, what it is,' says the merchant, 'but what- 
 ever it is I would advise you to stick to it/' And now, said 
 Mr. Lincoln, * I mean nothing offensive, for I know you 
 mean well, but I think you had better stick to your busi- 
 ness and leave the war to those who have the responsibili- 
 ty of managing it !' Whether the former was satisfied 
 or not I cannot say, but he did not tarry long in the Presi- 
 dential mansion. 
 
 Old Abe Appoints a General. 
 
 One of the new levies of troops required the appoint- 
 ment of a large additional number of Brigadier and Major 
 Generals. Among the immense number of application?!, 
 Mr. Lincoln came upon one wherein the claims of a certain 
 worthy (not in the service at all) ' for a generalship ' w^re 
 glowingly set forth, Bnt the applicant didn't specify 
 whether he wanted to be Brigadier or Major General. The 
 !*r<?fident observed this difficulty, and solved it by a lucid 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 69 
 
 endorsement. The clerk, on receiving the paper again, 
 found written across its back, 'Major General, 1 reckon. 
 A. Lincoln.' 
 
 A Practical Joke, not exactly Old Abe's, however. 
 
 Quite a commotion was created in a Bleecker street 
 boarding-house by the arrest of two Southern gentlemen^ 
 Messrs. Joyce and Richardson, of Baltimore, for violating 
 their parole and returning to the North, after having been 
 sent to Dixie. On the occasion of their last arrest, several 
 ladies, residing at their boarding-house, used some very 
 expressive language, and rather tersely expressed their 
 " ieelinks" on the to them outrageous manner the gov- 
 ernment sought to vindicate its authority. Doubtless, all 
 the women were perfectly loyal, and each would gladly 
 take the oath of allegiance to the government, or " any 
 other man ;" but evidently some sarcastic old gentleman 
 did not believe it, and in order to test the question con- 
 cocted the following letter, which was duly directed and 
 forwarded to the lady of whom he appeared most sus- 
 picious : 
 
 Headquarters U. S. Army, 
 
 No. street, 
 
 New York, February -, 1864. 
 
 Mrs. is respectfully requested to call at the above 
 
 headquarters within six days, for examination on matters 
 of importance which will then be stated to her. 
 By Order of the Military Department, 
 
 A. S. JONES, 
 Assistant Adj.-G-eneraL 
 this notice with you. 
 
70 OLD ABB'S JOKES, 
 
 On receipt of this notice, the lady, to whom it was ad- 
 dressed, began to feel some misgivings. The oftener she 
 read the mandate the more nervous she became, until at 
 length, like a woman of spirit, she determined to present 
 herself before the " powers that be," and await whatever 
 explanation might be given. Conscious that in no act or 
 deed had she been a disloyal woman, she felt certain that 
 if the military authorities had any knowledge of the words 
 she had made use of on the occasion referred to, they would 
 overlook the hasty expressions of an affectionate nature, 
 excited by the midnight arrest of those whom she had 
 hitherto looked upon as peaceful, law-abiding citizens. 
 Accordingly, the lady visited at the number indicated in 
 the note, but discovered there no signs of military head- 
 quarters. On the next block, in the same street, were the 
 headquarters of General Dix. Determined to have a clear 
 record, the lady proceeded thither. Being stopped by the 
 sentinel, she requested an audience with General Dix, and 
 in due course found herself in the presence of that polite 
 and patriotic officer. The interview was substantially as 
 follows : 
 
 Lady : I called, sir, to know what this letter means. 
 
 General (after reading the document, smiling) : My dear 
 Madam, I am quite as ignorant as you seem to be. There 
 is no such person as A, S. Jones on my staff, or to my 
 knowledge connected with the military forces of the United. 
 Mates, at present on duty in this city. 
 
 Lady (very much relieved) : I thought so, sir, but I 
 meant to be certain. I believe I have been hoaxed, sir, 
 because I am from Baltimore, and resided at the house 
 
FRKSH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 71 
 
 where Mr. Joyce was recently arrested. Some wicked 
 person has sent me this to annoy me. 
 
 General : Doubtless that is the case, Madam, but I don't 
 see that I can help you. 
 
 Lady : I wish you could. I declare I would get you to 
 send a file of soldiers after the scamp that has sent this 
 message to me. 
 
 General (smiling) : That would indeed be an arbitrary 
 arrest that I cannot be a party to ; and your only remedy, 
 that I see, is to be patient, until, perhaps, the individual 
 himself shows his hand, and then you may punish him 
 through the civil law. 
 
 Lady : Thank you, General. I am sorry I have troubled 
 you, but I felt anxious to appear right in the matter. 
 
 General : No apologies, my dear Madam. 
 
 Thereupon, the General bowed the lady out, and, per- 
 haps, smiled inwardly at her confusion, as He proceeded to 
 transact his usual business. It is unnecessary to describe 
 the feelings of the lady as she joyfully wended her way 
 homeward, and our reporter drops the curtain upon the 
 scenes in a certain private room of that boarding-house, 
 
 when Mrs. W revealed to he* confidential friends how 
 
 she had been the victim of a practical joke. A rod is 
 being pickled for the practical joker, and it will be sur- 
 prising if a woman's wit does not find some means of ap- 
 plying it to the back of the mean-spirited hound. 
 
 Old Abe and His Tod. 
 
 For occasional sallies of genuine original wit, give us 
 a country grocery on winter evenings and rainy days, and 
 
72 OLD ABB'S JOKES, 
 
 the bar rooms of country hotels. As an instance take the 
 following, which occurred in a bar-room. There was 
 quite a collection, and our friend S., who is a demix-rui, 
 and friend M., who is a republican, had been earnestly but 
 pleasantly discussing politics; and as a lull took place in 
 the conversation, S. spoke up as follows : 
 
 'M,, how many public men are there who are rea'.'y 
 temperance men ?' 
 
 ' Oh, I don't know,' replied M. 
 
 1 Well,' said S., <1 don't know of but one that I can 
 speak positively of on our side, and that is General 
 Cass.' 
 
 4 Well,' said M , promptly, ' there is President Lincoln 
 on our side, certain.' 
 
 ' Guess not,' said L.. incredulously. 
 
 Guess yes,' replied M., warmly. 
 
 * But you don't pretend to say that President Lincoln is 
 a temperance man,' asked S. 
 
 'Yes, I do, 1 answered M., < and can maintain the state- 
 ment.' 
 
 ' Well, now I tell you that Abraham Lincoln is as fond 
 of his tod as any man living,' replied S., earnestly, * and 1 
 can prove it to you.' 
 
 < Well, I tell you that he isn't,' replied M., wh6 began to 
 get excited ; * that he is as pure and strict a temperance 
 man as there is in the country.' 
 
 .' I contend,' replied rf.' with provoking coolness, * that 
 Abraham Lincoln is LO fond of his tod that it is the last 
 thing he thinks of when he goes to bed, and the first when 
 he wakes in the mom. nor/ 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 73 
 
 * It's a confounded locofoco lie /' exclaimed M., springing 
 to his feet. 
 
 Hold on, friend M.,' said S., what was Lincoln's 
 wife's name before she was married ?' 
 
 6 Todd, by thunder!' exclaimed M., jumping more than a 
 foot from the floor ; boy's let's adjourn to the other 
 room.' 
 
 -O 
 
 Pluck to the Toe-Nail, 
 
 ' A wag thus describes the constitution *of his company 
 ->f volunteers: 
 
 6 I'm captain of the Baldinsville company. I riz grad- 
 ooaly but rnajes'icly from drummer's secretary to my pres- 
 ent position. I determined to have my company composed 
 excloosively of offissers, everybody to rank as brigadier- 
 general. As all air comrnandin' offissers there ain't no 
 jelusy : and as we air all exceedin' smart, it faint worth 
 while to try to outstrip each other. The idee of a com- 
 pany composed excloosively of commanders-in-chief ori;ig- 
 gernated I spose I skursely need say, in this brane. Con- 
 sidered as an idee, I flatter .myself it's pretty heffy 
 We've got the tack ticks at our tongs' end, 'but what we 
 pareickly excol in is restin' muskits. We can rest mus- 
 kits with anybody. Our corpse will do its dooty. We'll 
 be chopt into sassiage meet before we'll exhibit our coat 
 tails to the foe We'll fight till there's nothing left to us 
 hut ouf little toes, attd even they eh all decently wriggle*' 
 
74 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 The National Joker and the Nigger Mathematician. 
 A. gentleman, who happened to have an interview with 
 the national joker just previous to the battle of Gettys- 
 burg, ventured to turn the conversation on the rebel in- 
 vasion of Pennsylvania, and made the remark that the 
 rebels were splendidly armed. 4 There's no doubt of that,' 
 replied Mr. Lincoln, ' because we supplied them with the 
 best we had.' The visitor expressed a confident * hope, 
 however, that Meade would be able to beat Lee and cap- 
 ture his whole army. The President grinned to the ut- 
 most extent of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was 
 afraid there would be too much * nigger mathematics ' in 
 it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt bound in 
 politeness to do, supposing that there must be something 
 in it, though he could not see the point. * But I suppose 
 you don't know what nigger mathematics is,' continued 
 Mr. Lincoln. * Lay down your hat for a minute, and I'll 
 tell you.' He himself resumed the sitting posture, leaned 
 back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, arid 
 went on with his story. There was a darkey in my neigh- 
 borhood called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in 
 figuring up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the 
 reputation of being a mathematical genius. Mr. Johnson, 
 a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see 
 him. Hear ye're a great mat'm'tishun, Pompey. Yes, 
 sar, you jus try. Well, Pompey, I'ze compound a problem 
 in matmatics. All right, sar. Now, Pompey, s'poee der 
 am tree pigeons sittin on a rail fenee, and you fire a gun 
 at 'em and shoot one, how many's left ? Two, ob coors, 
 
FRESB FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 7& 
 
 replies Pompey, after a little wool-scratching. Ya, ya, ya, 
 laughs Mr. Johnson ; I knowed you was a fool, Pompey ; 
 dere's none left ; one's dead, and d'udder two's flown 
 away. That's what makes me say,' continued Mr. Lincoln. 
 * that I'm afraid there will be too much nigger mathe- 
 matics in the Pennsylvania campaign.' And the result 
 showed that, in this instance at least, the anecdote suited 
 the fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them 
 was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off 
 over the Potomac. 
 
 Big Brindle and the Highfalutin Colonel. 
 
 President Lincoln tells the following story of Col. W 
 who had been elected to the Legislature, and had also 
 been judge of the county court. His elevation, however, 
 had made him somewhat pompous, and lu became very 
 foud of using big words. On his farm he bad a very 
 large aud mischievous ox called ' Big Brindle,' which fre- 
 quently broke down his neighbors' fences, arid, committed 
 other depredations, much to the Colonel's annoyance. 
 
 One morning after breakfast in the presence of Mr. 
 Lincoln who had stayed with him over night, and who 
 was on his way to town, he called his overseer and said 
 to him : 
 
 *Mr. Allen, I desire you to impound Big Brindle, in 
 order that I may hear no animadversions on his eternal 
 depredations.' 
 
 Allen bowed and walked off, sorely puzzled to Know 
 what the Colonel meant. So after Col. W. left for town, 
 
76 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 he went to his wife and asked her what Col. W. meant by 
 telling him to impound the ox. 
 
 * Why, he meant to tell you to put him in a pen,' said 
 she. 
 
 Allen left to perform the feat, for it was no incons'ul Ar- 
 able one, as the animal .was very wild and vic-kms, and 
 after a great deal of trouble and vexation succeeded. 
 
 Well,' said he, wiping the perspiration from his brow, 
 and soliloquizing^ this is impounding, is it ? Now, 1 am 
 dead sure that the Colonel will ask me if I impounded 
 Big Brindle, and I'll bet I puzzle him as he did me.' 
 
 The next day the Colonel gave a dinner party, and as 
 he was not aristocratic, Mr. Allen, the overseer, sat down 
 with the company. After the second or third glass was 
 discussed, the Col. turned to the overseer and said : 
 
 'Eh, Mr. Allen, did you impound Big Brindle, sir ?' 
 
 Allen straightened himself, and looking around at the 
 company said : 
 
 Yes, 1 did, sir, but old Brindle transcended the impan 
 nel of the impound, and scatterlophisticated all over the 
 equanimity of the forest.' 
 
 The company burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, 
 while the Colonel's face reddened with discomfiture. 
 
 ' What do you mean by that, sir ?' said the Colonel. 
 
 Why, I mean, Colonel,' said Allen, 'That old Brindle, 
 being prognosticated with an idea of the cholera, ripped 
 and tared, snorted and pawed dirt, jumped the fence, tuck 
 to the woods, and would not be impounded -no how.' 
 
 This was too much; the company roared again, in which 
 the Colonel was forced to join, and in the midst of the 
 laughter Allen left the table, saying to himself as he went, 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 77 
 
 '*! reckon the Colonel won't ask me to impound any more 
 oxen.' 
 
 Lincoln and the Lost Apple. 
 
 On a late occasion when the White House was open to 
 the public, a farmer from one of the border counties of 
 Virginia, told the President that the Union soldiers, in 
 passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, 
 but his horse, and he hoped the President would urge the 
 proper officer to consider his claim immediately. 
 
 4 Why, my dear sir,' replied Mr. Lincoln, blandly, I 
 couldn't think of such a thing. If I consider individual 
 cases, I should find work enough for twenty Presidents.' 
 
 Bowie urged his needs persistently; Mr. Lincoln de- 
 clined good riaturedly. 
 
 4 But,' said the persevering sufferer, couldn't you just 
 give me a line to Col. r about it? just one line!' 
 
 4 Ha, ha, ha !' responded the amiable Old Abe, shaking 
 himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way, 
 * that reminds me of old Jack Chase, out in Illinois/ 
 
 At this the crowd huddled forward to' listen : 
 
 * You've seen Jack I know him like a brother used 
 to be lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and 
 sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a 
 rrick twenty-five years ago, to take the logs over the ra- 
 i> : (ls, but he was skillful with a raft and always kept her 
 straight in the channel. Finally a steamer was put on, 
 and Jack he's dead now, poor fellow ! was made cap- - 
 tain of her. He always used to take the wheel, going 
 through the rapids. One day when the boat wtrs plung- 
 
78 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 ing and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's 
 utmost vigilance was being exercised to keep her in the 
 narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him 
 with : 'Say, Mister Captain ! I wish you would just stop 
 four boat a minute I've lost my apple overboard !' 
 
 o 
 
 V- 
 
 Enlisting Negroes in the Union Army. 
 
 A slaveholder from the country approached an old ac- 
 quaintance, also a slaveholder, residing in Nashville, the 
 other .day, and said : 
 
 I have several negro men lurking about her-e some- 
 where. I wish you would look out for them, and when 
 you find them do with them as if they were your own.' 
 
 Certainly I will,' replied his friend. 
 
 A few days ago the parties met again, and the planter 
 asked : 
 
 4 Have you found my slaves 
 
 I have.' 
 
 * And where are they ?' 
 
 Well, you told me to do with them just as if they were 
 my own, and, as I made my men enliit in the Union army 
 I did the same with yours.' 
 
 The astonished planter absquatulated. 
 
 " Old Abe" on Temperance. 
 
 The Twenty-first anniversary of the Sons of Temper- 
 ance' was appropriately celebrated in Washington. The 
 Sons' on reaching the White House, were invited to 
 
FRESH FROML ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 79 
 
 enter the East room, which was nearly filled by the ladies 
 and gentlemen participating in the ceremonies. President 
 Lincoln, on entering, was enthusiastically applauded, and, 
 in the course of his response to the address presented to 
 him, said that when he was a young man, long ago, before 
 the Sons of Temperance,* as an organization, had an exist- 
 ence, he in an humble way made Temperance speeches, 
 4tnd he thought he might say to this day he had never by 
 his example belied what he then said. As to the sugges- 
 tions for the purpose of the abandonment of the cause of 
 temperance, he could not now respond to them. To pre- 
 vent intemperance in the army is even a great part of the 
 rules and articles of war. It is a part of the law *f the 
 land, and was so he presumed long ago, to dismiss officers 
 for drunkenness. He was not sure that, consistently with 
 the public service, more can be done than has been done. 
 All, therefore, that he could promise, was to have a copy 
 of the address submitted to the principal departments, and 
 have it considered whether it contains any suggestions 
 which will improve the cause of temperance, and repress 
 drunkenness in the army any better than it is already 
 done. He thought the reasonable men of the world had 
 long since agreed that intemperance was one of the great- 
 est, if not the very greatest, of all the evils among man- 
 kind. That was not a matter of dispute. All men agreed 
 that intemperance was a great curse, but differed about 
 the cure. The suggestion that it existed to a great extent 
 was true, whether it was a cause of defeat he knew not ; 
 but he did know that there was a good deal of it on the 
 other side. Therefore they had no right to beat us on 
 that ground. (Laughter.) The remarks of the President 
 
80 oT,l. ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 were listened to with gicat interest and repeatedly inter- 
 rupted by applause. 
 
 How Bean Hackett was made a Zouave. 
 
 I was put through a rigid course of examination before 
 I could be made a Zouave, and I say it with feelings 01 
 gratification and self-esteem that I was remarkably well 
 posted in the catechism. My father was a hero of the re- 
 volution, having been caught once in a water-wheel, and 
 whirled around rapidly a number of times. Others of the 
 family have also distinguished themselves as military men 
 at different periods, but their deeds of courage are too 
 well-known to need repetition. 
 
 The following is a copy verbatim et literatim et wordern 
 of most of the questions propounded to me and the answers 
 thereto, which my intimate acquaintance with the Army 
 Regulations and the Report of the Committee on the Con- 
 duct of the War enable me to answer readily and accu- 
 rately. My interrogator was 'a little man in Federal blue, 
 with gold leaves on his shoulders. They called him Major, 
 but he looked young enough to be a minor. He led off 
 with 
 
 < How old are you, and what are your qualifications ?' 
 
 * Twenty- two, and a strong stomach. 5 
 
 Then I requested him to fire his interrogations singly, 
 *hich he did. 
 
 * What is the first duty to be learned by a soldier ?' 
 
 * How to draw his rations. 3 
 
 What is the most difficult feat for a soldier to perform V 
 
 * Drawing- his bottnty*' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 81 
 
 < If you were in the rear rank of a company during an 
 action, and the man in the front rank before you should 
 be wounded and disabled, what would you do ?' 
 
 * I would despatch myself to the rear for a surgeon im- 
 mediately. Some men would step forward and take the 
 wounded man's place, but that is unnatural.' 
 
 If you were commanding skirmishers, and saw cavalry 
 advancing in the front and infantry in the rear, which 
 would you meet ?' 
 
 Neither ; I would mass myself for a bold movement 
 and shove out sideways.' 
 
 4 If you were captured, what line of conduct would you 
 pursue ? 
 
 6 I would treat my captors with the utmost civility.' 
 
 ' WJiat are the duties of Home Guards ?' 
 
 * Their duty is to see that they have no duties.' 
 
 * What will you take ?' 
 
 * Bourbon, straight !" 
 
 Uncle Abe and the Judge. 
 
 * In the conversation which occurred before dinner, I 
 was amused to observe the manner in which Mr. Lincoln 
 used the anecdotes for which he is so famous. Where men 
 bred in courts, accustomed to the world, or versed in di* 
 plomacy, would use some subterfuge/ or would make a pO^ 
 lite speech or give a shrug of the shoulders as the ingatig 
 of getting out of ah Embarrassing position; Mr'; Lincoln 
 raises a latigh by &o&s.bold ^set- coimtrf anScSot^ , and 
 offte tha doild of psarrtaftit produced fcf ih';tek$' 
 
82 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a 
 place of judicial importance, the President interposed 
 with, 6 Come, now, Bates, he's not half as bad as you think. 
 ^Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long- 
 ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one 
 morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before 
 me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his 
 wagon. 'Hallo, Lincoln ! are you not going to the court- 
 house. Come in and I will give you a seat.' Well, I got 
 in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently 
 the wagon struck a stump on one side of the road ; then 
 it hopped off to the other. I looked ou-t, and I saw the 
 driver was jerking from side to side in his seat : so says .1, 
 Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little 
 drop too much this morningv' * Well, I declare, Lincoln,' 
 said he, ' I should not much wonder if you are right, for 
 he has nearly upset me half-a-dozen times since starting.' 
 So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, ' Why, 
 you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which 
 pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravi- 
 ty, the coachman said, By gorra ! that's the first rightful 
 decision that yoii have given for the last twelve month.' 
 While the company were laughing, the President beat a 
 quiet retreat from the neighborhood of the Attorney- 
 General. 
 
 liberal and patriotic citizen who has been drafted 
 has purchased a gun whkh he save is very suro to go off 
 man's 
 
83 
 
 Mince Pies vs. Tracts. 
 
 The President says his political friends often remind him 
 of the following story : 
 
 A rebel lady visited the hospital at Nashville one morn- 
 ing with a negro servant, who carried a large basket on 
 his arm, covered with a white linen cloth. She approach- 
 ed a German and accosted him thus : 
 
 ' Are you a good Union man T 
 
 I ish dat,' was the laconic reply of the German, at 
 the same time casting a hopeful glance at the aforesaid 
 basket. 
 
 That is all I wanted to know,' replied the lady, and 
 beckoning to the negro to follow, she passed to the opposite 
 side of the room, where a rebel soldier lay, and asked him 
 the same question, to which he very promptly replied : 'Not 
 by d d sight.' The lady thereupon uncovered the basket 
 and laid out a bottle of wine, mince pies, pound cake and 
 other delicacies, which were greedily devoured in the 
 presence of the Union soldiers who felt somewhat indig- 
 nant. 
 
 On the following morning, however, another lady made 
 her appearance with a large covered basket, and she also 
 accosted our German friend, and desired to know if he was 
 a Union man. 
 
 4 1 ish, by Got- ; I no care what you got ; I bese Union/ 
 
 The lady set the basket on the table, and our German 
 friend thought the truth availed in this case, if it did fail 
 in the other. But imagine the length of the poor fellow's 
 face when the lady uncovered the basket and presented 
 
84 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 him with about a bushel of ti acts. He shook his head 
 dolefully aud said : 
 
 I no read English, und, peside dat rebel on 'se oder 
 side of 'se house need tern so more as me.' 
 
 The lady distributed them and left. 
 
 Not long afterwards along came another richly dressed 
 lady, who propounded the same question to the German. 
 He stood gazing at the basket apparently at a loss for a 
 reply. At length he answered her in Yankee style, as 
 follows : 
 
 ' By Got, you no got me dis time ; vot you got mit the 
 basket ?' 
 
 The lady required an unequivocal reply to her question, 
 and was about to move on when our German friend shouted 
 out: 
 
 * If you got tracts, I bese Union ; but if you got -mince 
 pie mit pound cake unt vine, I be sesech like de tibol.' 
 
 Soldiers have little deire to read tracts when they are 
 famished for the want of those little, delicacies so conducive 
 to the recovery of hospital patients. When our ladies visit 
 hospitals with tracts, we should suggest the importance of 
 accompanying them with a basket of provisions ; they will 
 be better appreciated. 
 
 The Niggers and the Small Pox. 
 
 I dropped in upon Mr. Lincoln and found him busily 
 counting greenbacks. "This, sir,' said he, 'is soinet! in r ; 
 out of my usual line ; but a President of the United States 
 has a multiplicity of d-iiies not specified in the Constitu- 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BO8OM. 85 
 
 tion or acts of Congress. This is one of them. -Thii 
 money belongs to a poor negro who is a porter in one of 
 the Departments (the Treasury), and who is at present 
 very bad with the small pox. He did not catch it- from 
 me, however ; at least 1 think not. He is now in hospital, 
 and could not draw Ids pay because he could not sign hii 
 name. 
 
 1 have been at considerable trouble to overcome the 
 difficulty and get it for him. and have at length succeeded 
 in cutting red tape, as you newspaper men say. I am now 
 dividing the money and putting by a portion labeled, in 
 an envelope, with my own hands, according to his wish ;' 
 and his Excellency proceeded to endorse the package very 
 carefully. No one who witnessed the transaction could 
 fail to appreciate the goodness of heart which would 
 prompt a man who is borne down by the weight of cares 
 unparalleled in the world's history, to turn aside for a 
 time from them to succor one of the humblest of his fellow 
 creatures in sickness and sorrow. 
 
 Why Lincoln didn't tfop the War. 
 
 The Boldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the 
 inhabitants of that place, on their first arrival, by telling 
 them yarns, 'of which the following is a sample : 
 
 * Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the war, and 
 invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground 
 to discuss terms of peace. They met accordingly, and 
 after a talk concluded to settle the war by dividing the 
 territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the 
 
86 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard 
 Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and 
 Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parceled 
 off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it Jeff, 
 wouldn't have it, neither would consent to take it, and on 
 that they split; and the war has been going on ever 
 since.' 
 
 Lincoln's Estimate of the " Honors." 
 
 As a further elucidation of Mr. Lincoln's estimate ol 
 Presidential honors, a story is told of how a supplicant 
 for office, of more than ordinary pretentious, called upon 
 him, and, presuming on the activity he had shown in be- 
 half of the Republican ticket, asserted as a reason why 
 the office should be given to him, that he had made Mr. 
 Lincoln President. 
 
 "-You made me President, did you ?' said Mr. Lincoln, 
 with a twinkle of his eye. ' I think I did,' said the appli- 
 cant. * Then a pretty mess you've got me into, that's all,' 
 replied the President, and closed the discussion. 
 
 o- 
 
 Pring up de Shackasses, for Cot sake ! 
 
 President Lincoln often laughed over the following inci- 
 dent : One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrot 
 guns, supported by a squadron of horse commanded by 
 Major Richards, was in a sharp conflict with a battery 
 of the enemy near at hand, and shells' and shot were flying- 
 thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 87 
 
 German, one of Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to, the 
 cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms, 6 Pririg up 
 de shackasses, pring up de shaekasses, for Cot sake, hurry 
 up de shaekasses im-me-di-ate-ly.' The necessity of this 
 order, though not quite apparent, will be more obvious 
 when it is remembered that the ' shaekasses ' are mules, 
 carrying mountain howitzers, which are tired from the 
 backs of that much-abused but valuable animal ; and the 
 immediate occasion for the 4 shaekasses ' was that two regi- 
 ments of rebel infantry were at that moment discovered 
 descending a hill immediately behind our batteries. The 
 * shaekasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and 
 canister, were soon on the ground. The mules squared 
 themselves, as they well knew how, for the shock. A ter- 
 ritic volley was poured into the advancing column, which 
 immediately broke and retreated. Two hundred and 
 seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine next 
 day, piled closely together as they fell, the eilects of that 
 volley from the backs of the ' shaekasses. 3 ' 
 
 Abe's Long Legs. 
 
 When tie President landed at Aquia Creek, going to 
 see Burnside, there were boards in the -way on the wharf, 
 which the men hastened to remove, but the President re- 
 marked, in his usual style, * Never mind, boys; my legs 
 are pretty long, havti brought me thus far through lito 
 I think thcf wiU bute me o-veir this difficult/*' 
 
M 
 
 The President and ' Banks." 
 
 Loquitur an eminent Pennsylvania Congressman : Sir, 
 Banks is a failure, isn't he ?' 
 
 4 Well, that is harsh,' responds the President ; ' but ho 
 hasn't come up to my expectations.' 
 
 Then, sir, .why don't you remove him ?' 
 
 1 Well, sir, one principal reason is, that it would hurt 
 General Banks' feelings very much /' 
 
 Old Abe's Noble Saying. 
 
 ' President Lincoln says many homely things and many 
 funny things. His speech at the late ceremony in honor 
 of the dead at Gettysburg proves that he can also say no- 
 ble and beautiful things. Is not the following extract 
 worthy, in its touching simplicity, of being handed down 
 to the aires among the great sayings of great men : ' The 
 world will little note nor long remember what toe say here, but 
 they can never forget what they did here. 1 
 
 o 
 
 11 Where the D 1 are the Buggies." 
 
 1 The citizens of a small city in Pennsylvania, being 
 thrown into considerable excitement by reason of the re- 
 port that the rebels under Lee were advancing upon them, 
 held ft Sneeting for the purpd? of or.eanizing" themselves 
 into a regiment During the organisation of the regi- 
 of 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 89 
 
 towering head and shoulders above the crowd, exclaimed, 
 in a stentorian voice : 'Are there not any cannons to de- 
 fend the city ?' 
 
 Voice from the crowd ' Yes, but they are not mounted.' 
 
 Old Gent* Why ain't they mounted.' 
 
 Voice from the truwd * Because we have no carriage!*.' 
 
 Old Gent (Still louder and more excited) 'Then, 
 where the devil are the buggies ?' 
 
 " I Mean ' Honest Old Abe.' 
 
 * A good story is told of an old Cleveland deacon, who 
 just after Lincoln started on his journey for Washington, 
 went to an evening prayer meeting, and being somewhat 
 in a hurry, went down immediately on his knees, and made 
 an earnest prayer in behalf of the President of the United 
 States, asking that God would strengthen him and bless 
 him in all his undertakings. Rising from his kness he left 
 the church, apparently having an earnest call elsewhere. 
 Presently he returned in a great hurry, and plumping 
 again on his knees, thus addressed himself; * Oh, Lord, it 
 may be as well for me to add as an explanation to my 
 prayer just uttered, that by the President of the United 
 States I mean honest old Abe Lincoln, and not that other 
 chap who is yet sitting in the national neat, and for whom 
 I don't care shucks. Amen.' 
 
Old Abe "C's"it. 
 
 I consoled the President this morning by relating to 
 him what an unfortunate letter C ' was in the Presiden- 
 tial Chase. A joke do you take ? I related the fate of 
 Crawford, Calhoun, Clay and Cass. The Presidential eye 
 brightened up. I saw hope displayed in every lineament 
 of bis countenance. He replied, I see it.' How quiet 
 he is at repartee. How pointed, too. I think the Presi- 
 dential heart has beat easier since the administry of. my 
 last solace/ 
 
 Lincoln's Ideas about Slavery. 
 
 The story will be remembered, perhaps, of Mr. Lincoln's 
 reply to a Springfield (111.) clergyman, who asked him 
 what was to be his policy on the slavery question. 
 
 * Well, your question is rather a cool one, but I will 
 answer it by telling you a story. You know Father B., 
 the old Methodist preacher? and you know Fox river and 
 its freshets? Well, once in the presence of Father B., a 
 young Methodist was worrying about Fox river, .and ex- 
 pressing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling 
 some of his appointments by a freshet in the river. Fath- 
 er B. checked him in his gravest manner. Said he: 
 1 Young man, I have always made it a rule in my life not 
 to cross Fox river till I get to it !' 'And,' said the Presi- 
 dent, I am not going to worry myself over the slavery 
 question till I get to it.' A few days afterwards a 
 Methodist minister called on the President, and on being 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 91 
 
 )resented to him, said simply : Mr. President, I have 
 come to tell you that I think we have got to Fox river ! J 
 Mr. Lincoln thanked the clergyman and laughed heartily. 
 
 Abe and the Distance to the Capitol. 
 
 . It is stated that he was much disgusted at the crowd of 
 officers who sometime ago used to loiter about the Wash- 
 ington hotels, and he is reported to have remarked to a 
 member of Congress : These fellows and the Congressmen 
 do vex me sorely.' Another member of Congress was con- 
 versing with the President, and was somewhat anHoyed by 
 the President's propensity to divert attention from the se- 
 rious subject he had on his mind by ludicrous allusions. 
 4 Mr. Lincoln,' said he, 'I think you would have your joke 
 if you were within a mile of hell.' ' Yes, sir, that is about 
 the distance to the Capitol.' 
 
 Abe thinks T. R. Strong, but Coffee are stronger. 
 
 It is told by an intelligent contraband, who is probably 
 reliable, that Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania 
 avenue the other day, relating 6 a little story" to Secretary 
 Seward, when the latter called his attention to a new sign 
 tearing the name of < T. H. Strong.' 4 Ha !' says old Abe 
 his countenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, < T, R. 
 Strong, but coffee are stronger.' Se.wartl smiled, but made 
 IHJ reply* 
 
92 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Putting Salt on the Monitor's Tail. 
 
 War is a pretty serious business ; but they are not al- 
 ways gloomy at the War Department. When the foolish 
 rumor was current in Washington that the 'Mow tor had 
 been captured, the President walked over to the War De- 
 partment and asked whether the^ report ws true. 
 
 4 Certainly,' replied an officer with due gravity. 
 
 'How did the rebels succeed in capturing her?' asLed 
 the President 
 
 By putting salt on her tail,' waa the reply. 
 
 The President's only answer was, I owe you one/ 
 
 Old Abe Never Heard of it Before. 
 
 Some moral philosoper was telliag the President one day 
 about the undercurrent of public opkiion. He went on to 
 explain at length, and drew an illustration from the Medi- 
 terranean Sea. The current seemed very curiously to flow 
 in both from the Black Sea and the Atlantic Ocean, but a 
 shrewd Yankee, by means of a contrivance of floats, had 
 discovered that at the outlet into the Atlantic only about 
 thirty feet of the surface water flowed inward, while there 
 was a tremenduous current under that flowing out. * Well,' 
 said Mr. Lincoln, much bored, 'that don't remind me of 
 any story I ever heard of.' The philosopher despaired of 
 a serious impression by his argument, aud left* 
 
FBESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 93 
 
 Why Lincoln Appointed Fremont. 
 
 General Fremont stood a very small chance of being 
 assigned to a command. But fortunately for him, the Pres- 
 ident one morning read in a Washington paper the speech 
 of Col. Blair, M. C., upon the late commander in Missouri. 
 The President having attentively perused it, said to some 
 one near him, * Oh, this will never do ; it's persecution.' 
 }jo put the paper in his pocket, walked over to the War 
 Hcpartment, and in less than half an hour Major- General 
 Fremont was appointed to the command of the Mountain 
 Department. 
 
 Father Abraham's Good Clothe*. 
 
 At the beginning of the war John Perry, then a resi- 
 dent of Georgia, was compelled to take the oath of alle- 
 giance to the Southern Confederacy and agreed not to bear 
 arms against it. He removed to West Troy soon alter- 
 wards and in September was drafted. Before the tkne of 
 kis appearante at Albany he wrote to the Provost Marshal 
 Generc.1, Colonel Fry, stating the dilemma, and asking 
 whether he could not be released from his obligatiom to 
 serve Uncle Sam. The reply of CoL Fry has just been re- 
 ceived* He states that he fully appreciates Mr. Perry's 
 position) and has no idea of making him violate his oath* 
 MQ kindly consents, therefore* that the eomicript Perry 
 
94 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 shall be sent to the Northwest to fight Indians ; but he 
 can't for a moment think of absolving him from wearing 
 'Father Abraham's good clothes.' 
 
 The President says that Jeff is on his Last Legs. 
 
 Because we gave him the grant (Grant) of Vicksburg 
 and he couldn't hold it ; we gave him the banks (Banks) of 
 Port Hudson and they destroyed his best gardner (Gardner) 
 and all he raised during the last two years ; we gave him 
 mead (Meade) at Gettysburg and he couldn't swallow it; 
 we have his best wagoner (Wagner) fast at Charleston; 
 compelled him to haul in his brag (Bragg) and get in the 
 lee (Lee) of his rebel army. 
 
 Old Abe on the Congressmen. 
 
 As the President and a friend were sitting on the House 
 of Representatives steps, the session closed, and the mem- 
 bers tiled out in a body. Abraham looked after them with 
 a sardonic smile. 
 
 ' That reminds me,' said he, of a little incident. When 
 I was quite a boy, my flat-boat lay up at Alton, on the 
 Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town. I 
 saw a large stone building, with massive walls, not so 
 handsome, though, as this; and while I was looking at it, 
 the iron gateway opened, and a great body of men came 
 out. * What do you call that ?' 1 asked a by-stander. 
 That,' said he,, 'is the State Prison, and those are all 
 thieves, going home, Their time is up.' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 95 
 
 General Viele and a Female Rebel. 
 
 General Egbert L. Viele, Governor of Norfolk, was 
 visited one day by a lady. He noticed that she wore the 
 confederate colors prominently in the shape of a brooch, 
 and mildly suggested that it would, perhaps, have been in 
 better taste to come to his office without such a decoration. 
 ' I have a right, sir, to consult my own wishes as to what I 
 shall wear.' ' Then, madam,' replied the General, 'permit 
 me to claim an equal right in choosing with whom I shall 
 converse.' And the dignified lady had to withdraw from 
 his presence. 
 
 Lincoln on Vice and Virtue. 
 
 Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, 
 and complimented him on having no vices, neither drink- 
 ing nor smoking. 6 That is a doubtful compliment,' an- 
 swered the President ; 4 I recollect once being outside a 
 stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a 
 segar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing, 
 smoked for some time, and then grunted out, It's my ex- 
 periencd that folks who have no vices have plagued few 
 virtues.' 
 
 Potomac ! Bottomic ! ! Buttermilk 
 
 An amusing story is told by Old Abe of the ( Iowa 
 First,' about the changes which a certain password under- 
 went about the time of the battle of Springfield. One of 
 
96 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 the Dubuque officers, 'whose duty it was to furnish the 
 guards with a password for the night, gave the word 
 * Potomac ' A German on guard, not understanding dis- 
 tinctly the difference between B's and P's, understood it 
 to.be ' Bottomic,' and this, on being transferred to ano- 
 ther, was corrupted to 'Buttermilk.' Soon afterward, the 
 officer who had given the word wished to return through 
 the lines, and on approaching a sentinel was ordered to 
 halt and the word demanded. He gave ' Potomac.' 
 4 Nicht right you don't pass mit me dis way.' But this 
 is the word, and I will pass.' * No^ you stan ;' at the 
 same time placing a bayonet at his breast in a manner that 
 told the officer that * Potomac ' didn't pass in Missouri. 
 What is the word, then V < Buttermilk.' * Well, then, 
 Buttermilk.' * Dat is right; now you pass mit yourself all 
 about your piziness.' There was then a general overhaul- 
 ing of the password ; and the difference between Potomac 
 and Buttermilk being understood, the joke became one of 
 the laughable incidents of the campaign. 
 
 Old Abe's Liquor for his Generals. 
 
 A. * committee,' just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, 
 solicitous lor the morale of our armies, took it upon them- 
 selves to visit the President and urge the removal of Gen. 
 Grant ' What for said Mr. Lincoln. < Why,' replied 
 the busy bodies, ' he drinks too much whisky.' 4 Ah !' re- 
 joined Mr. Lincoln, ' can you inform me, gentlemen, where 
 General Grant procures his whisky T The ' committee ' 
 
PR6M ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 9t 
 
 confessed they could not. 'Because,' added Old Abe, with 
 a merry twinkle in his eyes, ' If I can find out, I'll send 
 every General in the field a "barrel of it !' The delegation 
 retired in reasonably good order. 
 
 Who voted for Abe, or how the Rebels treat a Quaker and a 
 " Butternut." 
 
 The following incident occurred at Salem, Ind., during 
 the raid of John Morgan. Some of his men proceeded 
 out west of the town to burn the bridges and water- tank 
 on the railroad. On the way out they captured a couple 
 of persons living in the country, one of whom was a 
 Quaker. The Quaker strongly objected to being made a 
 prisoner. Secesh wanted to know if he was not strongly 
 opposed to the South. *Thee is right,' said the Quaker, 
 I am.' 
 
 4 Well, did you vote for Lincoln?' 
 
 * Thee is right ; I did vote for Abraham.* 
 
 * Well, what are you ?' 
 
 * Thee may naturally suppose that I am a Union man. 
 Cannot thee let me go to my home ?' 
 
 4 Yes, yes ; go and take care of the old woman,' said 
 ^ooesh. 
 
 The other prisoner was taken along with them, but not 
 relishing the summary manner in which the Quaker was 
 disposed of, said, * What do you let him go for? He is a 
 li lack abolitionist. Now, look here, I voted for Breckin- 
 rulge, and have always been opposed to this war. I ain 
 opposed to fighting the South, decidedly.' 
 
98 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 e You are,' said Secesli ; ' you are what they call around 
 here, a Copperhead ; ain't you ?' 
 
 'Yes, yes,' said the Butternut, insinuatingly; 'that's 
 what all my neighbors call me, and they know I ain't with 
 them.' 
 
 ' Conie here, Dave!' halloed Secesh. 'There's a But- 
 ternut. Just come and look at him. Look here, old man, 
 where do you live ? We want that horse you have got to 
 spare, and if you have got any greenbacks, just shell 'em 
 out,' and they fook all he had.' 
 
 The President on Chase's Valentine. 
 
 Secretary Chase, of the Treasury Department, found 
 upon a desk in his office what at first appeared to be a 
 picture of an ' infernal machine,' looking very much like 
 a goose, but which on closer examination proved to be a 
 drawing of an ingonious invention for turning gold eagles 
 into 'greenbacks,' with the Secretary himself operating 
 it, and slowly feeding it with ' yaller boys' at one end, 
 while the government currency came out at the other end, 
 flying about like the leaves of autumn. While he was ex- 
 amining it, the President came in, as he daily does, for 
 consultation. Mr. Chase handed him the drawing, and 
 as the roguish eye of our Chief Magistrate recognised the 
 likeness of the Secretary, he exclaimed 
 
 ' Capital joke, isn't it, Mr. Chase?' 
 
 ' A joke,' said the irate financier, ' I'd give a thousand 
 dollars to know who left it here.' 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 99 
 
 6 Oh, no,' responded Mr. Lincoln, ' you would hardly do 
 that.' . 
 
 ' Yes 1 would,' asserted the Secretary. 
 
 * Would you, though,' inquired the President, with that 
 deliberate manner that characterizes him when he is 
 really in earnest ' well, which end would you pay from T 
 
 The answer is not ' recorded/ 
 
 Old Abe and the " Brigadiers." 
 
 The President has been perpetrating one of his pungent 
 sayings about that luckless wight, Brigadier- General 
 Stoughton, who was so unceremoniously picked up by guer- 
 illas. ' Pretty serious business, this, Mr. President,' said 
 a visitor, to have a Brigadier-General captured at Fair- 
 fax Court House !' * Oh, tMat doesn't trouble me, was the 
 response, ' I can make a better Brigadier any time in five 
 minutes ; but it did worry me to have all those horses 
 taken. Why, sir, these horses cost us a hundred and 
 twenty-five dollars a. head !' 
 
 Mr. Lincoln and the " Mediums." 
 
 6 There is a secret, known only to a few, in reference to 
 the manner in which our armies are commanded,' says a 
 New York writer. ' Mr. Lincoln has mediums in constant 
 communication with the spirit world. Each military her* 
 has a special medium. Not a battle has been fought, ex- 
 cept under tho direct command, not of McClellar Scott* 
 
100 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 McDowell, Pope,^ urnside, Hooker, and modern general*, 
 but they have acted merely as lieutenants for the master 
 war-spirits of the other world ! All the generals in the 
 other world were consulted by the spirits previous to 
 Hooker's defeat, and the old adage proved true that 4 too 
 many cooks spoil the broth.' Napoleon and Wellington, 
 and Generals Washington and Jackson, were not at the 
 council : Napoleon, because he did not understand Lincoln's 
 English communications, and the Duke of Wellington, be- 
 cause of his contempt for them, or that anybody in supreme 
 power should ask military advice. Generals Washington 
 and Jackson would not give advice, because, though they 
 were extremely annoyed at the dissolution of the Union, 
 yet, as such a miserable fact had occurred, their friendly 
 feelings were enlisted witli their descendants on the side 
 of the South. That Mr. Lincoln is guided altogether by 
 spiritual advisers is now well kno\vn.' 
 
 Old Abe's Generosity. 
 
 While President Lincoln was confined to his house with 
 the varioloid, some friends called to sympathise with him 
 especially on the character of his disease. * Yes,' he said, 
 * it is a bad disease, but it has its advantages. For the 
 first time since I have been in office, I have something now 
 to give to every purbuo that 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 
 
 Uncle Abe and the Pass to Richmond. 
 
 A gentleman called upon the President, and solicited a 
 pass for Richmond. ' Well/ said the President, ' I would 
 be very happy to oblige, if my passes were respected ; but 
 the fact is, sir, I- have, within the past two years, given 
 passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to 
 -Richmond, and not one has got there yet.' The applicant 
 quietly and respectfully withdrew on his tip-toes. 
 
 How Old Abe had never Read it. 
 
 The Loyal League Convention, which was in secret ses- 
 sion in Washington, brought a strong pressure to bear on 
 the President for the removal of some obnoxious members 
 of the cabinet on account of their supposed conservative 
 views, and also for the appointment of a radical com- 
 mander in Missouri, in place of Gen. Scofield. At an in- 
 terview, a committee of the Leaguers indignantly asked 
 the President whether he endorsed Mr. Blair's Rockville 
 speech ; to which he replied, that he had never read it.' 
 The feelings of the excited radicals may be more easily 
 imagined than described at this Lmcolnian stroke, and 
 they retired from the White House with no dim percep- 
 tion of the meaning 6i' * Abe 8 latest and best joke/ 
 
102 LD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 ; Mr. Lincoln and the Counterfeit Bill. 
 
 ' Some one was discussing the character of a copperhead 
 clergyman, in the presence of Mr. Lincoln, a time-serving 
 Washington clergyman. Says Mr. Lincoln to his visitor, 
 * I think you are rather hard upon Mr. Blank. He re- 
 minds me of a man in Illinois who was tried for passing 
 a counterfeit bill. It was in evidence that before passing 
 it he had taken it to the cashier of a bank and asked his 
 opinion of the bill, and he received a very prompt reply 
 that the bill was a counterfeit. His lawyer who had 
 heard of the evidence to be brought against his client, 
 asked him just before going into court, Did you take the 
 bill to the cashier of the bank and ask him if it was 
 good T I did,' was the reply. Well what was the re- 
 ply of the cashier ?' The rascal was in a corner, but he 
 got out of it in this fashion : He said it was a pretty, 
 tolerable, respectable sort of a bill.' Mr. Lincoln thought 
 the clergyman was * a pretty, tolerable, respectable sort 
 of a clergyman.' We have a good many of that class in 
 Washington, I fear, though, if anybody is going to make 
 me prove this I'll back down at once, for in these times it 
 is hard work to prove anything. If your neighbor is en- 
 gaged in blockade running, you can't prove him a rebel ; 
 and if he should chance to be a noisy war politician, you 
 can't prove that he has sympathies even against the gov- 
 ernment/ 
 
FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 
 
 A Whole Nager. 
 
 At a negro celebration, an Irishman stood listening tc 
 Fred. Douglass, who was expatiating, upon Government 
 and freedom, and as the orator came to a period from the 
 highest political heights, the Irishman said : ' Bedad, he 
 spakes well for a nager.' ' Don't you know,' said one, 
 'that he isn't a negro ? he is only half negro.' 'Only a 
 half nager, is he ? Well, if a half nager can talk in that 
 style, I'm thinking a whole nager might beat the prophet 
 Jeremiah.' 
 
 o 
 
 Old Abe and Hie Blasted Powder. 
 
 c A western correspondent writes: ',,A visitor, congrat- 
 ulating Mr. Lincoln on the prospects of his re-election, 
 was answered by that indefatigable story-teller with an 
 anecdote of an Illinois farmer, who undertook to blast his 
 own rocks. His first effort at producing an explosion 
 proved a failure, He explained the cause by exclaiming, 
 'Pshaw, this powder has been shot before!' 
 
 4 Hurrah for Abe Lincoln!' shouted a little patriot on 
 Cedar street, the other day. 
 
 'Hurrah for the Devil?' rejoined an indignant Southern 
 sympathiser. 
 
 ' All right,' said the juvenile ; 4 you hurrah for your 
 man, and I'll hurrah for mine.' 
 
104 OLD ABK'S JoKKs, 
 
 The President's Repartee, 
 
 A distinguished foreigner, dining at the White House, 
 wished to congratulate President Lincoln on -the self-pon- 
 Hession of the hostess, arid her apparent indifference to the 
 peculiar vexations of her new position. Having /an im- 
 perfect knowledge of our language, he expressed his idea 
 by saying: ' Your Excellency's lady makes it very indif- 
 ferent !' Observing the twinkle of the President's eye, he 
 endeavored to correct his language, and immediately said 
 with emphasis : Your Excellency's lady has a very indif- 
 ferent face !' 
 
 " Salmon the Solemn," vs. Abraham the Jocular." 
 
 The solemn versus the jocular are brought into curious 
 juxtaposition by the present state of affairs. The com- 
 mittee of ' the friends of Mr. Chase,' in their Ohio circular, 
 call Mr. Lincoln ' our jocular President.' Against him 
 they set up Mr. Chase, of whom a prominent Boston lawyer 
 said some years ago, ' I don't like the Governor. He is 
 too solemn altogether too solemn.' More than a year 
 ago, Mr. Lincoln said that he had just discovered that the 
 initials of Salmon P. Chase mean shinplaster currency. 
 Perhaps he will now say that they mean shinplaster can- 
 didate. An old Greek rhetorician advises to answer your 
 adversary's sober arguments with ridicule, and his ridicule 
 with sober 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 105 
 
 Old Abe " glad of it." 
 
 A characteristic story of the President is narrated in a 
 letter from Washington. When the telegram from Cum- 
 berland Gap reached Mr. Lincoln that 'firing was heard 
 in the directon of Knoxville,' he remarked that he was 
 * jdad of it.' Some person present, who had the perils of 
 Burnside's position uppermost in his mind, could not see 
 why Mr. Lincoln should be glad of it, and so expressed 
 himself. ' Why, you see,' responded the President, * it re- 
 minds me of Mistress Sallie Ward, a neighbor of mine, 
 who had a very large family. Occasionally one of her 
 numerous progeny would be beard crying in some out-of- 
 the-way place, upon which Mrs. Sallie would exclaim, 
 ' There's one of my children that isn't dead yet.' 
 
 Old Abe's " Affair of Honor.'* 
 
 Abraham Lincoln, at nineteen years of age, was six feet 
 four in height, arid so far exhibited the attributes of a ruler 
 that he towered like Saul above his fellows. He was 
 once, and once only, engaged in what is falsely termed 
 * an affair of honor.' A young lady of Springfield wrote 
 a paragraph in a burlesque vein in a local newspaper^ in 
 which G ii< ial Shields was good^huniouredly ridiculed for 
 Itto connexion with Some public incusure, The General 
 H-ag greatly iucenggd* and demanded of ihd Editor thg 
 fcaias ef the offeadiflj! party* Th editor put hltn otf with 
 
106 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 r ,*" 
 
 and shortly afterwards, meeting Lincoln, told him his per 
 plexity. * Tell him I wrote it,' said Lincoln; and tell him 
 he did. After a deal of diplomacy to get a retraction of 
 the offensive parts of the paragraph in question, Shields 
 sent a challenge, which Lincoln accepted, named broad- 
 swords as the weapons, and an unfrequented, well-wooded 
 island in the Mississippi as the place. Old Abe was first 
 on the ground, and when Shields arrived he found his an- 
 tagonist, his sword in one hand and a hatchet in. the other, 
 with his coat off, clearing away the underbrush ! Before 
 the preliminary arrangements were completed, a Mr. Har- 
 din, who somehow got wind of what was afloat, appeared 
 on the scene, called them both d d fools, and by his argu- 
 ments addressed to their common sense, and by his ridicule 
 of the figure that they, two well-grown, bearded men, were 
 making there, dissuaded them from fighting. 
 
 Mr. -Lincoln's Disease. 
 
 President Lincoln has really had the s.mall-pox, but is 
 able to have his joke regularly. When the committee of 
 Congress waited on him to announce their readiness to 
 receive the message) the President was found in his private 
 office, clad in an old dressing-gown, and looking dilapidated 
 generally* The chairman announced in a very formal 
 manner the object 'of the visit. It seemed to please the 
 President mightilyi arid putting his hands deep in his 
 breeches povketsj and throwing a leg over au arm of 'hi* 
 replied i * Waali if It is a *fees* of lift tted dtftft 
 
FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 107 
 
 I can get it up to-day ; but if it isn't, I'd rather wait till 
 to-morrow, for the fact is the boys haven't got through 
 copying it yet.' It was not a matter of life and death, and 
 the message was not sent in till Wednesday. Mus. Lincoln 
 did not evidently think her husband was very sick, for she 
 went to New York last week to do s a little shopping.' 
 While there she lost her purse, containing a large sum of 
 money, in the street. It was found arid returned t6 her by 
 a young patent claim agent of this city, and Mrs. Lincoln 
 was very profuse in her thanks and offers of assistance. 
 The freedom of the White House was tendered to the 
 young man, who, if he isn't too bashful, may consider his 
 fortune made. 
 
 " The President was Reminded." 
 
 A gentleman was telling at the White House how a 
 friend of his had been driven away from New Orleans as 
 a Unionist, and how, on his expulsion, when he asked to 
 see the writ by which he was expelled, the deputation 
 which called on him told him that the goyernment had made 
 up their minds to do nothing illegal, and so they had issued 
 no illegal writs, and simply mean^ to make him go of his 
 own fiee will. 'Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, < that reminds 
 me of a hotel-keeper down at St. Louis, who boasted that 
 he never had a death in his hotel, for whenever a guest 
 was dying in his house he carried him out to die in tke 
 street.' 
 
108 OLD ABE'i JOKEfc, 
 
 President Lincoln on Grant's New Sword. 
 
 Just before Grant's arrival, Representative Washburne 
 took to the White House a handsome sword, prasented to 
 .General Grant by some admirers in Illinois, to show the 
 'President and Mrs. Lincoln. ' Yes,' said the President, 
 * it is very pretty. It will do for a Commander-in-Chief.' 
 Old Abe then turned to a general officer then present and 
 asked him if he had had any sword presentation lately. 
 The reply was 'I have not.' 'Humph,' said Abe, 'that's 
 a joke then that you haven't seen the point of yet.' 
 
 Abraham's Going to Pot. 
 
 A deputation of gentlemen from New York waited 
 upon Old Abe with the determination to impress his mind 
 with the great injustice done their department of trade by 
 the Committee on Taxation. 
 
 4 Gentlemen,' said the President, ' why do you come to 
 me? The committee will hear you and do you justice. I 
 cannot interfere.' 
 
 ' But,' urged the spokesman, ' if they are going to tax 
 all the commodities of life, ' 
 
 ' My friends,' responded the rail-splitter, 'if tlioy tax 
 all the necessaries, I'm afraid we must all go to pot.' 
 
FEE8H FliOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 109 
 
 Old Abe's " Mistakes/' 
 
 * Old Abe being questioned one day in regard to some 
 of his reputed * mistakes' replied, c That reminds me of a 
 minister and a lawyer who were riding together; says the 
 minister to the lawyer 
 
 4 Sir, do you ever make mistakes in pleading ?' 
 
 4 1 do,' says the lawyer. 
 
 4 And what do you do with mistakes ?' inquired tire min- 
 ister. 
 
 4 Why, sir, if large ones, I mend them ; if small ones, I 
 let them go,' said the lawyer. ' And pray, sir,' continu,- 
 ed he, 4 do you ever make mistakes in preaching?' 
 
 4 Yes, sir, I have.' 
 
 4 And what do you do with mistakes ?' said the lawyer. 
 
 4 Why, sir, I dispose of them in the same manner that 
 you do. Not long sinee,' continued he, 4 as I was preach- 
 ing, I meant to observe that the devil was the father of 
 hars, but made a mistake, and said the father of lawyers. 
 The mistake was so small that I let it go.' 
 
 Speaking of the Time. 
 
 ' When Mrs. Vallandigham left Dayton to join her 
 husband, just before the election, she told her friends that 
 she expected never to return until she did so us the wife 
 of the Governor of Ohio. 
 
110 OLD ABE'S JOKFJS, 
 
 Mr. Lincoln is said to have got off the following : 
 That reminds me of a pleasant little affair that occurred 
 out in Illinois.' 
 
 A gentleman was nominated for Supervisor. On leav- 
 ing home on the morning of election, he said 
 
 4 Wile, to-night you shall sleep with the Supervisor of 
 this town.' 
 
 The election passed, and the confident gentleman was 
 defeated. The wife heard the news before her defeated 
 spouse returned home. She immediately dressed for going- 
 out, and waited her husband's return, when she met him 
 at the door. 
 
 ' Wife, where are you going at this time of night ?' he 
 exclaimed. 
 
 ' Going ?' she replied, why, you told me this morning 
 that I should to-night sleep with the Supervisor of this 
 town, and as Mr. L. is elected instead of yourself, I was 
 going to his house.' 
 
 She didn't go out, and he acknowledged he was sold, 
 but pleasantly redeemed himself with a new Brussels 
 carpet. 
 
 Old Abe's Uncle. 
 
 My deceased uncle,' says Old Abe, was the most polite 
 gentleman in the world. He was making a trip, on the 
 Missiseippi when the boat sank. Me got his head above 
 the water for once, took off his hat, and said, < Ladies and 
 gentlemen, will you please excuse me ?' and down -he 
 went.' 
 
FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. Ill 
 
 Old Abe seeing the difficulty. 
 
 A very amuseing scene was witnessed at the grand 
 military dinner given at the Executive Mansion in honor 
 of Lieutenant General Grant soon after his arrival here. 
 After the guests had assembled and a brilliant array of 
 well known military men appeared, in accordance with 
 the President's invitation, to assist in the ceremonies of 
 the evening, it was found, to the surprise of everybody 
 that General Grant was not there. He had suddenly 
 taken wings for the West. Everybody looked disappoint- 
 ed. Among- the major generals present were Hal leek, 
 Meade, Wool, McCook, Crittenden, Sickles, Hunter, Burn- 
 side, Blair, Doubleday, Ogilsby,. Wallace and others. 
 When it was announced that Grant was not coming the 
 generals looked at the President arid the President at the 
 generals. Presently Mr. Lincoln said : ' Gentlemen, 
 this is the play of Hamlet with Hamlet left out. We ex- 
 pected Grant here, but he couldn't stay.' The company 
 had assembled, however, the curtain was raised, and the 
 play must go on. But who would play the part of Ham- 
 let ? In plainer language, a lieutenant general was ex- 
 pected, but he'would not be present. Old Abe, seeing 
 the difficulty, said that if it was necessary to have a 
 Hamlet he would call upon Major General llajleck. at 
 short notice, as the managers say, to fill that part. Hal- 
 leek, who wore three stars on each shoulder, put on a 
 most complacent appearance and 4 kindly consented' to 
 tha role of the principal character &ud eo th<i 
 we&t on$ with Ufeilsk m 
 
112 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 One x)f Abe's Anecdotes. 
 
 Well,' said a gentleman to Old Abe, 'we had &j 
 nijrger served up in every style last session.' 
 
 * Yes,' broke in the Executive, as his eyes twinkled. 
 ' ending off with the frre-cussee style.' 
 
 4 1 hope,' resumed the gentleman, I hope we shall have 
 something new now.' 
 
 ' There was a man down in Maine.' said the President, 
 'who kep' a grocery store, and a lot of fellows used to 
 loaf around that for their toddy. Well, he only gave 'em 
 New England rum, and they drinked a pretty considera- 
 ble of it. But alter a while they began to get tired of 
 that, and kep' asking for something New something New; 
 all the time. Well, one night, when the whole crowd 
 was around, the grocer, he sot out his glasses, and says 
 he, 'I've got something New for you to drink, boys.' 
 Honor bright/ says they. Honor bright ' says he ; 
 and with that he sot out a jug. * Thar,' says he, ' that's 
 something New ; it's JVetc-England rum !' says he. * Now,' 
 remarked Abraham, shutting one eye, ; I gue^s we're a 
 good deal like that crowd, and Congress' is a good deal 
 like that store- keeper 1" 
 
 * Wiat ididiettS ttfg these V asked Lincoln to H fegi* 
 bent marehffd byi * Why, they belong to the tsw kwf 
 for th* 8**^ -' tip : - iftiiippif' HplW f tttidfiir ^ 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM 113 
 
 . How Old Abe Settled the Point. 
 
 
 
 The town is laughing at an amusing story of a recent 
 interview between Mr. Lincoln and the president of the 
 Baltimore and Ohio railroad. * The draft has fallen with 
 great severity upon the employes of our company,' said 
 the R. R. President. ' Indeed !' responded the President 
 of the U. S. If something is not done to relieve us, it is 
 hard to foresee the consequences.' Let them pay the 
 commutation.' 'Impossible! the men can't stand such a 
 tax.' 6 They have a rich company at their back, and 
 that's more than other people have.' * They ought to be 
 exempted, because they are necessary to the working of 
 the road for the government/ ' That can't be/ ' Then 
 I will stop the road.' If you do, I will take it up and 
 carry it on.' The discussion is said to have dropped at 
 this point, and the very worthy president is still working 
 the road as successfully as ever. 
 
 Old Abe was once canvassing for himself, for a local 
 office, when he came to a blacksmith's shop. 
 
 4 Sir,' said he to the blacksmith, will you vote for 
 me?' 
 
 Mr. Lincoln,' said the son of Vulcan, I admire your 
 head, but damn your heart!' 
 
 * Mr. Blacksmith,' returned Abe, / * I admire your cati- 
 dor, but damn your manners!' 
 
114 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 The President's Interview with a New Yorker. 
 A man from New York tells of an interview he had 
 with the President. How are you/ said he. ' I saw 
 your card, but did not see you. I was glad, however, 
 that you carded me, and I was reminded of an anecdote 
 of Mr. Whittlesey. When Mr. Cox, then a young man, 
 first came here, Mr. Whittlesey said to him: 'Sir, have 
 you carded the senators ?' ' No sir ; I thought I would 
 curry favor first, and then comb them.' It is no joking 
 matter, sir,' said Mr,. Whittlesey, seriously. It is your 
 duty to card the senators, sir; and it is customary I 
 believe, to card the cabinet also, and you ought to do it, 
 sir. But ' he added, after a moment's thought,** I think I 
 am wron^; the cabinet may card you.' 
 
 COOL. A gentleman visiting an hospital at Washington 
 hearing an occupant of one of the beds laughing and talk- 
 ing about the President. He seemed to be in such good 
 spirits that the gentleman remarked, * You must be very 
 slightly wounded ?' Yes,' said the brave fellow, very 
 slightly I have only lost one leg.' 
 
 Old Abe's " Slap at Chicago. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln relates the following : 
 
 < Some years ago, when Chicago was in its infancy, a 
 stranger took up his quarters at the principal hotel, and 
 inscribed Ms name on the register as Mr. J , of St. 
 
FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 115 
 
 Louis. For several days he remained there, engaged in 
 transacting the business which had brought him to the 
 place, and from his exceedingly plain dress, manners and 
 general appearance, attracted but little attention. 
 
 Soon Mr. J - was suddenly seized with illness, dur- 
 ing which he was sadly neglected by his host; and the 
 servants taking their tone from the master of the house, 
 left him to shift for himself as best he could. Thus mat- 
 ters went on, till one morning he was past praying for ; 
 his papers were then examined, that the sad intelligence 
 might be communicated to his friends ; when to the sur- 
 prise of all he was found to be one of the wealthiest men 
 in the western country. 
 
 Arrangements were accordingly made for the funeral ; 
 but before the last rites were performed, the subject came 
 to life again, having been the victim of catelepsy, instead 
 of the grim < King of Terror.' All were overjoyed at his 
 fortunate escape from so dreadful a fate, and from that 
 time wero profuse in their expressions of solicitude, elicit- 
 ed, however, we judge, by ' documentary evidence/ rather 
 than by any personal regard. 
 
 At length some one ventured to ask, how things ap- 
 peared to him while in his trance, to which he thus 
 replied: 
 
 ' I thought I had come to the river of death, where I 
 met an angel who handed me a jewel to serve as a pass to 
 the other side. On giving this to the ferryman, I received 
 from him another which carried me further another stage 
 in my journey. Going on thus for several stages, receiv- 
 ing at the termination of each, a ticket for the succeeding 
 
116 OLD ABB'S JOKES, 
 
 one, I at last reached the gate of the Heavenly City. 
 There I found St. Peter, who opened the door at iny sum- 
 mons, pipe in mouth, seated by a small table, on which 
 tood a goodly mug of steaming whiskey toddy.' 
 ' Good morning, sir,' said he very politely. 
 
 * Good morning, St. Peter/ said I. 
 
 * Who are you, sir ?' said he, turning over the leavo* of 
 a huge ledger. 
 
 ' My iiam'e is J / 
 
 * Very good, sir ; where do you live down below 
 I liv;ed at St. Louis, in the State of Missouri/ 
 
 ' Very well, sir ; and where did you die /' 
 
 1 died at Chicago, -in Illinois/ 
 
 6 Chicago ?' said he, shaking his head, ' there's no such 
 place, sir/ 
 
 ' I beg your pardon, St. Peter, but have you a map oi' 
 the United States here ? ? 
 
 Yes, sir/ 
 
 * Allow me to look at it/ 
 
 * Certainly, sir.' 
 
 4 With that he handed down a splendid atlas, and I 
 pointed out Chicago on the map. 
 
 A.11 right, sir/ said he, after a moment's pause; 'its 
 there, sure enough, so walk in, sir ; but I'll be blest if you 
 ain't the first man that has ever come here from that 
 place !' 
 
 Thus ended Mr. J 'Q account of his transition state ; 
 
 and DO more quest* ions were asked. '' 
 
*RESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 117 
 
 Where Abe said it had gone. 
 
 When the Sherman expedition which captured Port 
 Royal was fitting, there was great curiosity to learn wher .' 
 it had gone. A person visiting the Chief Magistrate *;! 
 the White House importuned him to disclose the destina- 
 tion to him. i Will you keep it entirely secret?' asked the 
 President. ' Oh, yes, upon my honor.' 'Well,' said the 
 President, I'll tell you.' Assuming an air of great mys- 
 tery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept him a mo- 
 ment awaiting the revelation with an open mouth and great 
 anxiety. * Well,' Buid he in a loud whisper which was 
 heard all over the room, * the expedition has gone to 
 sea!' 
 
 A tail one by Old Abe. 
 
 That reminds us of the following story that has been 
 told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere when a crowd called him 
 out. He came out on the balcony with his wife, (who ia 
 somewhat below medium height,) and made the following 
 * brief remarks' : 'Here 1 am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. 
 That'i the long and short of it.' 
 
 Abraham tells a Story. 
 
 Dr. Hovey, of Dansville, N. Y., thought he would call 
 and see the President, and on arriving at the White House 
 found him on horseback, ready for a start. Approaching 
 him, he said : 
 
118 OLD ABB'R JOKES, 
 
 President Lincoln, I thought I would call and see yoi 
 before leaving the city, and hear you tell a story/ 
 
 The President greeted him pleasantly, and asked when 
 he was from. 
 
 'The reply was : 4 From Western New York.' 
 
 ' Well, that's a good enough country without stories, 
 replied the President, and off he rode. That was the 
 Btory. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln and the Georgetown Prophetess. 
 
 The President, like old Kiug Saul when his term was 
 about to expire, seems in a quandary concerning a further 
 lease of office. I lean that he has consulted again the 
 * prophetess ' of Georgetown, immortalized by his patron- 
 age. She retired the other night to an inner chamber, and 
 alter raising and consulting more than a dozen of dis- 
 tinguished spirits from Hades, she returned to the recep- 
 tion-parlor where the Chief Magistrate awaited her, and 
 declared that Gen. Grant would capture Richmond, and 
 that Honest Old Abe would be next President. She, how- 
 ever, as the report goes, toljl him to beware of Chase. 
 
 Sala. 
 
 It is reported that Old Abe let eff a joke at George 
 Augustus Sala. It seems that eminent Bohemian, in a per- 
 severing search after information, learned to his astonish- 
 ment that all our cavalrymen are furnished with a horse 
 and two Colts each ; and his appetite duly whetted by this 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S -BOSOM. 119 
 
 novel discovery, he made bold to inquire, in the presence 
 of Old Abe, what branch of the service the Americans had 
 experienced the most difficulty in becoming adepts? 
 
 ' Engineering^' said the President, * but unlike you Eng- 
 lishmen we experience little difficulty in building up that 
 most essential thing an enduring magazine.' 
 
 The eminent George is said to have hemmed once or 
 twice, in some doubt as to the exact application of this.. 
 
 A Tight Squeeze. 
 
 President Lincoln says the prospect of his election for a 
 second term reminds him of old Jake Tullwater who lived 
 in 111. Old Jake got a fever once, and he became deliri- 
 ous, and while in this state he fancied that the last day 
 had come, and he was called to judge the world. With 
 all the vagaries of insanity he gave both questions arid 
 answers himself, and only called up his acquaintances, the 
 millers, when something like this followed : 
 
 * Shon Schmidt, corne up here ! Vat bees you in dis 
 lower worlds?' 
 
 Well, Lort, I bees a miller.' 
 
 * Well, Shon, did you ever take too much toll V 
 
 1 Oh, yes Lort, when the water was low, and the stones 
 were dull, I did take too much toll. 5 
 
 * Well, Shon,' old Jake would say, 4 You must go to the 
 left among the goats/ 
 
 So he called up all he knew and put them through the 
 eame course, till finally he carne to himself: 
 
120 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 ' Shake Tullwater, come up here ! Well, Shake, what 
 bees you in this lower world ?' 
 
 * Well, Lord, I bees a miller. 1 
 
 And, Shake, didn't you ever take too much toll?' 
 
 ' Ah, yes, Lort, wlicn the water was low, and the atones 
 iv ns dull, I did take too much toll.' 
 
 < Well, Shake well Shake (scratching his head) well 
 Shake, what did you do mit dat toll.' 
 
 'Well, JLort, I gives him to de poor.' 
 
 'Ah! Shake gave it to the poor, did you? Well 
 Shake, you can go to the right among the sheep hut it'g a 
 tam'd tight squeeze!' 
 
 At it with a Will. 
 
 The President and Secretary of State were closeted 
 together, overwhelmed by the affairs of the nation. 
 
 ' Seward, you look puzzled,' said Secretary Chase as he 
 entered and found that able functionary half buried 
 among papers, scratching his head and biting his pen. 
 
 'Never fear," quoth Old Abe, laughing gaily and slap- 
 ping the Secretary of State approvingly on the back. 
 Where there's a Will there's a way !' 
 
 President Lincoln, in replying to the St. Louis delega- 
 tion, which recently waited on him to urge the prosecution 
 of the war on ultra Abolition principles, replied that * I.e. 
 had more pegs than he had holes to put them in.' This an- 
 swer is peculiarly appropriate, as the Abolitionists, since 
 the commencement of hostilities, have been so much en- 
 gaged in stealing a# to render the war nothing but a game 
 f cribbage^ 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOStM 
 
 Old Abe and the Bull-Frogs. 
 
 f A few days ago, Paine, a lawyer of some note in Cin- 
 cinnati, paid a visit to -the Presidential mansion, that he 
 might return with his garments scented with loyal per- 
 , fume to the Porkopolis Courts. 
 
 During the interview the President asked him what was 
 the feeling of the people of Ohio in reference to the Pres- 
 idential election. Mr.. Paine informed him that the great 
 talk about Chase all amounted to nothing. At this an- 
 nouncement the President seemed well pleased and rub- 
 bing his hands, he exclaimed, * That reminds me of a story. 
 Some years ago two Irishmen landed in this country, and 
 taking the way out into the interior* after labor, carne sud- 
 denly near a pond of water, and to their great horror 
 they heard some bull-frogs singiug their usual song, 
 B-a-u-m ! B-a-u-m ! B-a-u-m ! They listened and trem- 
 bled, and feeling the necessity of bravery they clutched 
 their shellalies and crept cautiously forward, straining 
 their eyes in every direction to catch a glimpse of the 
 enemy, but he was not to be found. At last a happy idea 
 came to the most forward one and he sprang to his mate, 
 and exclaimed, * and sure, Jamie, it is my opinion it's no- 
 thing but a noise.' 
 
 o 
 
 Knowing too Much. 
 
 President Lincoln while entertaining a few select 
 friends is said to have related the following anecdote of a 
 man who knew too much. 
 
122 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 During the administration of President Jackson, there 
 was a singular young gentleman employed in the public 
 Poet Office at Washington. His name was G. ; lie was 
 from Tennessee, the son of a widow, a neighbor of tho 
 President, on which account the old hero had a kind 
 feeling for him, and always got out of Ins difficulties with 
 some of the higher officials, to whom his singular interfer- 
 ence was distasteful. 
 
 Among other things, it is 'said of him that while he was 
 employed in the General Post Office, on one occasion he 
 had to copy a letter to Major H., a high official, in answer 
 to an application made by an old gentleman in Virginia 
 or Pennsylvania for the establishment of a new post office. 
 The writer of the letter said the application could not be 
 granted, in consequence of the applicant's proximity' to 
 another office. When the letter came into G.'s hands to 
 copy, being a great stickles for" plainness, he altered 
 ^proximity' to ' nearness to.' Major H. observed it, and 
 asked G. why he altered his letter. 
 
 4 Why,' replied G., because I don't think the man would 
 understand what you meant by proximity.' 
 
 c Well,' said Major H., try him ; put in the proximity, 
 again.' 
 
 In a few days a letter was received from the applicant, 
 in which he very indignantly said, that his father had 
 fought for liberty in the second war of independence, and 
 he should like to have the name of the scoundrel who 
 brought the charge of .proximity or anything else wrong 
 against him. There,' said G. * did I not say so ?' 
 
 G. oorried his improvements so far that Mr. Berry, the 
 
123 
 
 Postmaster General said to him, ' I don't want you any 
 longer, yon know too much. 5 
 
 Poor G. went out, but his old friend, the General got 
 him another place. This time G's ideas underwent a 
 change. He was one day very busy writing, when a 
 stranger called in and asked him where the Patent Offico 
 was ? 
 
 1 1 don't know,' said C. 
 
 4 Can you tell me where the Treasury Department is ?' 
 said the stranger. 
 
 4 No/ said G. 
 
 4 Nor the President's house ?' 
 
 < No.' 
 
 The stranger finally as^ed him if he knew where the 
 Capitol was, 
 
 * No,' replied GL 
 
 Do you live in Washington, sir ?' said the stranger. 
 4 Yes, sir,' said G. 
 
 * Good Lord ! and don't you know where the Patent 
 Office, Treasury, President's House, and Capitol are ?' 
 
 * Stranger,' said G. 4 1 was turned out of the Post-office 
 for knowing too much. I don't mean to offend in that 
 way again. I am paid for keeping this book. I believe 
 I do know that much ; but if you find me knowing any- 
 thing more, you may take my -head.' 
 
 * Good morning,' said the stranger. 
 
124 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 Lincoln and the Curiosity Seeker. 
 
 In answer to a curiosity seeker who desired a permit to 
 pass the lines to visit the field of Bull Run after the first 
 battle, Mr. Lincoln made the following reply as his an- 
 swer : 
 
 A man in Cortlandt county raised a porker of such 
 unusual size that strangers went out of their way to see it. 
 One of them the other day met the old gentleman and 
 inquired about the animal. 4 Wall, yes,' the old fellow 
 said ; ' he'd got such a critter, mi'ty big un ; but he guess- 
 ed he would have to charge him about a shillin' for loo kin 1 
 at him.' The stranger looked at the old man for a min- 
 ute or so ; pulled out the desired coin, handed it to him 
 and started to go off. 'Hold on,' said the other; 'don't 
 you want to see the hog ?' < No,' said the stranger, < I 
 have seen as big a hog as I want to see .** 
 
 And you will find that fact the case with yourself, if 
 you should happen to see a few live rebels there as well 
 as dead ones. 
 
 Old Abe and the Copperhead. 
 
 A certain politician being rather loud in his denuncia- 
 tions of the administration in the president's hearing a 
 short time since, he conveyed a very wholesome lesson in 
 the following story, there was a Dutch farmer once who 
 being just clad in the ermine of a justice of peace, had his 
 first marriage in this way ; 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 125 
 
 4 Veil, you want to be marrit, do you ?' 
 1 Yes,' answered the man. 
 
 * Yell, do you lovish dis voman as goot as any voman 
 you have ever seen ?' 
 
 < Yes. 5 
 
 Then to the woman : 
 
 * Veil, do you love this man so better as any man you 
 have ever seen ?' 
 
 She hesitated and he repeated : * 
 
 * Veil, veil do you like him so veil as to be his wife;?' 
 
 * Yes, yes,' she answered. 
 
 * Veil, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect ; so 
 you are marrit. I pronounce you man and wife.' 
 
 The man drew out his pocket-book and asked the justice 
 what was to pay. 
 
 * Nothing at all, nothing at all, you are welcome to it if 
 it will do you any goot.' 
 
 IN speaking of certaic odd doings in the Army, Old 
 Abe said that reminded kirn of another story, as follows : 
 
 On one occasion, when a certain General's purse was 
 getting low, he remarked that he would be obliged to 
 draw on his banker for some money. How much do you 
 want, father ?' said the boy. 'I think I shall send for a 
 couple of hundred,' replied the General. ' Why, father.' 
 said his son very quietly, { I can let you have that amount.' 
 You can let me have it !' exclaimed the General in sur- 
 prise; ' Where di you get so much money?' I won it 
 at playing draw poicer with your staff, air!' replied tho 
 
126 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 hopeful youth. It is needless to say that the 9-40 train 
 next morning bore the ' gay young gambolier' toward his 
 home. Do you see the point. 
 
 Old Abe and the Woodoook. 
 
 The President one day dined at Richmond. When the 
 landlord produced his bill, he thought it very exorbi- 
 tant, and asked his name,' ' Partridge ! an't please you, re- 
 plied the host. 'Partridge!' said he; 'it should be 
 woodcock, by the length of your bill.' 
 
 o 
 
 
 
 Old Abe and the Set Speech. 
 
 The President being recently importuned to deliver a 
 set speech for a certain specified purpose, said that the 
 request reminded him of an old story he once heard of a 
 couple of U. S. Senators. 
 
 It was on one of those memorable days when the Kan- 
 sas-Nebraska bill was being debated, Senator Seward 
 tapped Douglas on- the shoulder, and whispered in his ear 
 that he had some ' Bourbon' in the Senator's private room 
 which was twenty years old, and upon it he desired to get 
 Douglas's judgment. The 'little giant' declined, stating 
 that he meant to speak in a few minutes, and wished his 
 brain unclouded by the fumes of liquor. At the conclu- 
 sion of his speech Douglas sank down exhausted in his 
 chair, hardly conscious of the congratulations of those who 
 flocked around him. At this juncture Seward soi*wJ <^ 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 127 
 
 orator's arm, and bore him off to the Senatorial sanc- 
 tum. 
 
 Here's the Bourbon, Douglas,' said Seward ; try some 
 its sixty years old.' 
 
 4 Seward,' remarked Douglas, I have made to-day the 
 longest speech eve*- delivered ; history has no parallel for 
 it.' 
 
 How is that? 1 rejoined Seward, < You spoke about two 
 hours only !' 
 
 'Don't you recollect that a moment pefore I obtained 
 the floor you invited me to partake of some Bourbon 
 twenty years old, and now immediately after closing my 
 remarks, you extend to me some of the same liquor, with 
 the assertion that it is sixty years old! a forty years 
 speech was never delivered before/ 
 
 Seward acknowledged the 'corn,' and the two enemies 
 (politically) smiled.' 
 
 MR. LINCOLN being found fault with for making another 
 4 caiP said that if the country required it, he would con- 
 tinue to do so until the matter stood as described by a 
 Western Provost Marshal out West who says : 
 
 ' I listened a short time since, to a butternut clad indi- 
 vidual, who succeeded in making good hirf escape, expati- 
 ate most eloquently on the rigidness with which the con- 
 scription was enforced south of the Tennessee river. His 
 response to a question propounded by a citizen ran some- 
 what in this wise : 6 Do they conscript close over the 
 river ?' * Hell, stranger, I should think they did ! They 
 take every man who hasn't been dead more than two dausf if 
 
128 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 this is correct the confederacy has at least a ghost oi a, 
 chance left' 
 
 And of another, a methodiat minister in Kansas, living 011 
 a small salary, who was greatly troubled to get his quarter- 
 ly instalment. He at last told the non-paying trustees 
 that he must have his money, as he was 'suffering for the 
 necessaries of life. * Money !' replied the trustees, ' you 
 preach for money ?' We thought you preached for the 
 good of souls!' 'Souls 1 ' responded the reverend. *I 
 can't eat souls and if I could, it would take a thousand 
 such as yours to make a meal !' That soul i the point, 
 Bir, said the President. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln Telleth Another Story. 
 
 Judge Baldwin, of California, an old and highly respec- 
 table and sedate gentleman, called a few days since on Gen. 
 Halleck, and presuming upon a familiar acquaintance in 
 California a few years since, solicited a pass outside of out- 
 lines to see a brother in Virginia, not thinking that he 
 would meet with a refusal, as both his brother and himself 
 were good Union men. ' We have been deceived too often,' 
 said General Halleck, 'and I regret I can't grant it.' 
 Judge B. then went to Stanton and was very briefly dis- 
 posed of with the same result. Finally he obtained an in- 
 terview with Lincoln, and stated his case Have you ap- 
 plied to General Halleck ?' inquired the President. ' And 
 met with a flat refusal,' said Judge B. ' Then you must 
 see Stanton,' continued the President. I have, and with 
 
PRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 
 
 the same result,' was the reply. Well, then,' said Old 
 Abe, with a smile of t^ood humor, 'I can do nothing: for 
 you must know that I have very little influence with this Ad- 
 ministration.' 
 
 The Vice- President. 
 
 Vice-President Hamlin must get gome new clothes. 
 During a recent visit to Boston an acquaintance who ap- 
 preciated the character of the man rather than the exter- 
 nal evidences of position and power, passing him in the 
 street met a jolly Jack in full naval costume. Thinking 
 it might be gratifying announcement, our friend pointed to 
 the Vice-President, saying : 
 
 4 There, my boy, is Mr. Hamlin, the Vice-President.' 
 
 Jack looked doubtful and dubious for a moment, and 
 then indignantly said : 
 
 Tell that to the marines. Do you suppose that your 
 Uncle Abraham would let the Vice-President loose in that 
 sort of rig ; see, he's got a cable tier kink in his hat, and 
 he's pretty darned seedy all over. If he isn't one of Jeff 
 Davis's guerrillas, he's in danger of being picked up for 
 one, if he goes where Uncle Sam's men ^keep their weather 
 eye open.' 
 
 President Lincoln Presented with a Pair of Socks. 
 
 
 
 At the Presidential reception on Saturday, Major French 
 presented to the President a pair of woollen socks, knit 
 
130 UNCLE ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 expressely for the President by Miss Addie Brockway, of 
 Newburyport, Mass.. On the bottom of each was knit the 
 secession flag; and near the top the glorious stars and 
 stripes of our Union, so that when worn by the President 
 he will always have the flag of the rebellion under hs feet. 
 These socks were sent by the maker to Mrs. Wm. B. Todd, 
 of this city, and at her request Major French presented 
 them with a few appropriate remarks. They were most 
 pleasantly and graciously received by the President. 
 
 Lincoln's First and Last r.'ijht in New Orleans. 
 
 * The cholera was raging at the time I last visited New 
 Orleans 'Twas just dusk and everything seemed unusual 
 quiet. I met but few people as I hurried on to the St. 
 Charles, which I found after repeated enquiries. Every- 
 thing had a neglected, desert 1, wo-begone look which 
 was rather home-sickening. So I supped, called for a 
 room and went to bed but not to sleep, for the musquetoes, 
 oh ! horrors, were as thick as bees in a hive ; they bit, bit, 
 bit, till I felt as if every pore in my body was furnishing 
 svpper to a horde of savages. In vain I sloped and fought, 
 they were too much for me, I dressed , myself, determined 
 to walk the streets till morning before I would suffer such 
 torment. It was not very dark nor very light, just suffi- 
 cient to discrn objects when your eyes became accustomed 
 to the darkness ; I had barely emerged into the street when 
 I hit my foot against something and fell full length across 
 it on the walk ; picking myself up I began to feel to see 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM^ ROSOM. 131 
 
 what it was ; just the.n a light appeared with two men bear 
 ing a coffin, which was placed on the one I had fallen over 
 my first impulse was to get back to my room, but the 
 knowledge of the infernal insects which infested it deter- 
 ed me, and I hastened on ; I had not gone far when I fetch- 
 ed bolt upright. Well, this is queer, I thought, no more 
 coffins I hope but the low tone of several men as they re- 
 moved them into a cart that stood ready, convinced me as 
 well as my eyes which were getting u^ed to the darkness. 
 I counted one, two, three, and up to fifteen ; my heart sick- 
 ened, I turned, retraced my steps; warfare was better than 
 this, though my foes were legions. Dark, shadowy forms 
 were flitting every few steps across the way bearing the 
 dead ; no sound was heardi n the street, save the low rum- 
 ble of carts filled with victims to the dreadful scourge. 
 I found my room at last how, I never knew ; I lai d down 
 and prayed for the morning light, but the musquitoes, as 
 if to make up for the lost time, redoubled their depreda- 
 tions. An idea struck me, I would get under the bed and 
 perhaps elude them, I did and had peace for full five minutes 
 how I enjoyed it ; but they found me, and I beat a retreat ; 
 feeling about I discovered a fire-place and a wooden fire- 
 board partly before it. i have it, and my heart gave one 
 leap of joy, I shook my fist at the humming torments, and 
 doubling myself up, crawled into the fire-place, bringing 
 the fire-board after me the best I could ; I had air, and if it 
 did not smell very pure, why it^ was better than having 
 one's blood drawn away in the smallest possible fractions, 
 let alone the sensation after it ; the stench grew stronger 
 and stronger^ No wonder, thought I, that people die here. 
 I began to grow curious and commenced feeling 1 about me 
 
OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 cautiously first, then more daring, my hand went down into 
 a vessel containing, not exactly cider and dough-nuts, but 
 what might have passed for them if eyes only were used. 
 I found some water and after washing over and over again 
 that hand, I went below, enquired if any vessel was to 
 leave that day, for it was already light and the inmates 
 astir. They said yes, and with rapid strides I found my 
 way to the levee where a steamer was ready to sail* 
 Thank Heaven, I muttered, business must take care of it- 
 self, I'm off. The remembrance of that awful night will 
 haunt me to the grave.' 
 
 Too Good to be Lost. 
 
 
 
 Old Abe,' who presides at the National White House, 
 is very fond of a good joke, and is in the habit of telling 
 them, greatly to the amusement, and not unfrequently at 
 the expense of his most particular friends. We have 
 heard one lately, which, we think, will turn the tables upon 
 the President. The conversation is said to have occur- 
 red between an old Illinois farmer and a member of Con- 
 gress from Missouri, at Willard's Hotel, in Washington 
 city. 
 
 Mr. R., the member, was in one of the sitting rooms 4>f 
 the hotel, quietly puffing his cigar and reading the New 
 York * Herald,' when he was approached by a rough, 
 burly, middle-aged man, and the following dialogue is 
 said to have occurred between them : 
 
 ILLINOIS FARMER. Sir, to make free,I understand you 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 133 
 
 area member of Congress from the great State of Mis- 
 souri.' 
 
 MR. R. You are correctly informed, sir, I represent 
 the Congressional District, in that State.' 
 
 I. P. C I am from Illinois, sir; am in Washington city, 
 on no particular business just looking round a little, to 
 see how 'the cat jumps.' 
 
 MR. R. < I am glad to know you, sir ; Illinois and Mis- 
 souri ought to be good friends, and I^shall be most happy 
 to serve you in any way that I can.' 
 
 I. F. < Well, sir, I don't want anything except to see 
 this d d infernal rebellion put down, it's nearly ruin- 
 ed us out West ; I have already lost one son, and I would 
 not be surprised if I lost them all before the war is over, 
 for they are all in it, several of them with that brave fel- 
 low, John Logan.' 
 
 MR. R. Sir, you have my earnest sympathies, both in 
 your desire to see the rebellion crushed, and in the severe 
 loss you have met with in the death of your son. I hope 
 the Government will finally triumph in this wicked war, 
 which has been forced upon it.' 
 
 I. F. * Arc you much acquainted in Illinois ? Do you 
 know Mr, Browning ? and if so what do you think of 
 him?' 
 
 MR. R. I know Mr. Browning very well, sir. I 
 think very highly of him. He is a good man, sir, and o$M3 
 of the first statesmen of the country.' 
 
 I. F. Well, sir, are you acquainted with ' old Dick 1 
 he's been my representative in Congress far a long while. 
 
 MR. R. * You allude, I suppose, to Col. Dick Richard- 
 fioo, of Quincy ?' 
 
134 OLD ABE'S JUKES, 
 
 I. F. ' He's the b'hoy, sir ; what do you think of him ?' 
 
 MR. R. * Col, R. is a patriotic and good man, a little 
 too much steeped in Democracy.' 
 
 I. F. Never mind his Democracy, that will never 
 hurt him half so much as the mean whiskey he drinks; I 
 tell you, Dick's a glorious fellow ; I like to hear him after 
 that miraculous genius, Trumbull, who, I 'spose, wears as 
 small a gizzard as any man that ever entered the Senate. 
 After all though, my friend fcjtephen A, was the man, he 
 could take the starch out of any of them, 5 and if he had 
 lived, sir, I believe this infernal rebellion would have been 
 over.' 
 
 Mu. R. ' Very likely, sir, ; Mr. Douglass was a noble 
 man ; lie would have exerted a vast influence, if he had 
 lived, over the fate of our unhappy country.' 
 
 I. P. < Well, sir, do you know < Old Abe?' 
 
 ME. R. 1 have that honor.' 
 
 I. F. * Well, I don't consider there is much honor 
 about it, but I'd just like to know what you think of 
 him.' 
 
 MR, R. * Well, sir, I am inclined to think well of the 
 President : I believe lie loves his country, sir. He is sur- 
 rounded by great difficulties, and is doing the best he can 
 to surmount them. . He is frequently persuaded to do 
 things which I think his better judgment does not approve, 
 I believe he is honest, sir.' 
 
 I. F. 'Well, my friend, I see that Abe 'has rather 
 taken you in. I know him a devilish sight better than 
 most men. I have known him 'like a book' for thirty- 
 five years. . I knew him when he w&s a rail-splitter, and 
 1 tell you he never did an honest day's work at the bu~U 
 
FttKSM FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 135 
 
 ness in his life. If he had 100 rails to hew he always 
 got them from somebody else's pile ! 1 knew him when 
 he was a grocery keeper, and he always kept bad whiskey, 
 cut a fellow's dram short, and charged two prices. With 
 some folks Lincoln had the reputation of being very 
 honest and not very smart ; but I tell you, sir, he's d d 
 smart and none too honest ? (somewhat excited and the 
 crowd gathering around). I tell you, sir, I know '-Abe' 
 like a book, sir, and by the eternal, what 1 say is true?' 
 
 MR. R. (Somewhat confused) " Sir, I was just about 
 taking a mint julep ; will you have the kindness to join 
 me?' 
 
 I. F. If you are tired of talking, with all my heart, 
 sir. Missouri and Illinois must stand together, sir. I 
 tell you, by the shades of Old Hickory and Benton, they 
 must work and fight for the old Union, Missouri and Illi- 
 nois are the greatest States in the Union, sir. If they'll 
 starid together, breast to breast, they can knock h 11 out 
 of South Carolina and the whole South, and then, if need 
 be, turn round and shovel New England into the ocean? 
 
 Exeunt to the bar room. 
 
 Mrs. Old Abe. 
 
 (From the New York Mercury.) 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln is a short, stout, cheery, motherly little 
 woman, of about forty years of age, more or less. Our 
 artist has given us an excellent portrait of her pleasant 
 but by no means handsome face, from a photograph taken 
 
136 OLD ABK'S JOKKS, 
 
 by one of our best operators. Mrs. Lincoln was born in 
 Kentucky. She might have been a native of Bourbon 
 County, for her maiden name was Todd ; but that portion 
 
 of the State was not thus honored. At a comir^-itiveiy 
 
 ff^ 
 
 early age, after receiving a moderate educati >he left 
 her 'old Kentucky home' and removed to II: ?s, when 1 
 she married Mr. Lincoln, then a young lawyer of little 
 practice, who made up for his low standing at the bar by 
 standing over six feet high in his stockings. 
 
 It appears that Mrs. Lincoln was quite a village-belle 
 before her marriage, and had other suitors besides Honest 
 Old Abe. One of them, a militia General, picked a quar- 
 rel with Mr. Lincoln about a satirical poem, which Mrs. 
 Lincoln had written and which Mr. Lincoln fathered. 
 The exasperated General sent a challenge to Mr. Lincoln, 
 which was at once accepted. Mr. Lincoln was allowed 
 the choice of weapons, and chose cavalry-swords. When 
 the General came to tight the duel, he was not a little 
 astonished at some of the arrangements. Mr. Lincoln had 
 selected a field across which ran a high rail-fence. The 
 terms of the combat were, that he should take one side of 
 the fence and the General the other ; that each should be 
 at liberty to keep as far away from the fence as he pleased, 
 but that neither should be permitted to climb over, crawl 
 through, or creep under the fence, upon any pretext what- 
 ever. The General indignantly declined to take part in 
 snch a combat, and Mr. Lincoln was declared the winner 
 of this novel tournament, and bore off hie bride in triumph. 
 Mr. Lincoln has always been called a strict temperance- 
 man ; but it cannot be denied that, when he marrivjj lie 
 took a /Todd ibr tite- 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 137 
 
 As her husband rose in the world, Mrs. Lincoln rose 
 with him. He turned politician, went to the State Legis- 
 lature, gained some eminence in the Illinois courts, and 
 was finally elected to Congress. This progress was so 
 gradual, however, that Mrs. Lincoln troubled herself very 
 little about it. She was busy enough keeping house and 
 tending to the babies, which arrived in not inconsiderable 
 numbers. At first the only perceptible changes in her for- 
 tune were, that she hired 'help ' to assist her jn her house- 
 work, which she had previously done herself, and fitted up 
 her residence in a more comfortable and tasteful style. 
 Then she began to go into society, and into better society 
 than the village of Springfield could afford. Judges and 
 members of Congress, and sometimes United States Senators 
 dropped in to see Old Abe, who had already been marked 
 by shrewd observers as the coming man or, as the West- 
 erners expressed it, as a good log to make something out 
 of.' At last the great re volution came. Mr. Lincoln was 
 nominated for the Presidency. Springfield became the 
 political Mecca. Mrs. Lincoln was courted and flattered. 
 TFien Honest Old Abe was elected, and Mrs. Lincoln was 
 the wife of the President of the United States. This eleva- 
 tion must have seemed to her magical. Censorious people 
 have said that it almost deprived her of her senses. No 
 wonder. 
 
 When President Lincoln made his grand tour through 
 the country, on his way to Washington, Mrs. Lincoln accom- 
 panied him, and was, like him, ' the observed of all ob- 
 servers.' She kissed all the children at all the stations be- 
 tween Springfield and Washington, and accepted bouquets 
 enough to fill the White House* Politicians and place- 
 
138 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 seekers fluttered about her in the cars, during the trip, in 
 order to profit by her influence over Mr. Lincoln. Some 
 few of them succeeded, and owe their offices to her inter- 
 cessions upon their behali'. Those who saw the Presiden- 
 tial pair during this tour, describe them as an honest, sim- 
 ple, good-hearted, affectionate, innocent country-people, 
 bewildered by the novelty of their surroundings, and quite 
 at the mercy of, the political sharpers who hovered around 
 them like hawks. Upon the arrival of the special train 
 at the Thirthieth-street depot in this city, the scene between 
 Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln was quite touching. She took a 
 brush and comb from her reticule, smoothed his hair, ar- 
 ranged his cravat, brushed some of the dust from his coat, 
 and then stood looking at him with evident admiration. 
 4 Am I all right now, mother? 3 asked the President. Mrs. 
 Lincoln's reply was a hearty kiss. Some of the spectators 
 of this little episode men who had not indulged in a bit 
 of natural sentiment since childhood rushed from the car, 
 unable to restrain their laughter. But others, appreciating 
 not only the republican simplicity but also the conjugal 
 tenderness of the scene, were quite otherwise affected 
 by it. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln, it will be remembered, ran away from the 
 Presidential party at Harrisburg, and entered Washington 
 at night, disguised in a Scotch cap and a long military 
 cloak. Mrs. Lincoln passed through Baltimore the next 
 day : and was neither assassinated, insulted, nor annoyed. 
 The evening after her arrival in Washington, she gave a 
 reception at WiMard's Hotel. The parlors were crowded 
 with elegantly-dressed ladies and gentlemen, the belles an J 
 beaux of the capital. By and by, President Lincoln enter- 
 
FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 139 
 
 ed, feeling and looking very awkward in his new suit of 
 clothes, and leading Mrs. Lincoln by the hand. * Ladies 
 and gentleman/ said he, after an embarrassing pause, 
 * here you see the long and the' short of the Presidency '- 
 indicating first himself and then his wife. The belles bo^- 
 ed and buried thire i'aces in their handkerchiefs to conceal 
 their smiles. The beaux dashed frantically out into the 
 lobbies, aching with irrepressible mirth. This was Mrs. 
 Lincoln's introduction to Washington society. A relative 
 named Mrs. Grimsby, was sent for to teach the President's 
 wife etiquette, and for a while no parties were given at the 
 White House. Then came the famous ball, which so exer- 
 cised the Radical Abolition and religious press. We have 
 not space to dwell upon this topic ; nor upon the scandal 
 about Mrs. Lincoln's rebel relatives ; nor upon the charges 
 that Mrs. Lincoln revealed the military secrets of the Ad- 
 ministration ; nor upon the insinuations that this General 
 was promoted and that disgraced, this official appointed 
 aad that removed, because of Mrs. Lincolns whims. These 
 stories once thought of sufficient importance to be pub- 
 lished in the daily papers and investigated by a Committee 
 of Congress were long since exploded, and must be fa- 
 miliar with all our readers, who will join with us in de- 
 spising those who originated such base slanders. 
 
 Mrs. Lincoln has traveled over the North quite exten- 
 sively during the past four years, and is always attended 
 by her little suite of officers and place-holders. Three 
 years ago, she held her Republican Court at Long Branch 
 during the summer. An amusing incident occurred at a 
 ball given there in her honor. She did not dance, but 
 tttood in front of an arm-chair on one side of the hall, like 
 
140 OLD ABE'S JOKES, 
 
 a queen before her throne. The rest of the company were 
 dancing when supper was announced, and they hurried 
 tumultuously out of the room, forgetting all about Mrs. 
 Lincoln, and leaving her and her immediate attendants to 
 take care of themselves. From .this incident two deduc- 
 tions may be made : first, the company were exceedingly 
 ill-bred ; and, second, that Mrs. Lincoln does not inspire 
 people with a sense of her personal dignity and importance. 
 Both deductions are correct. Mrs. Lincoln is just as \vo 
 have described her a plain, good-natured, chatty, sociable 
 amiable, agreeable, house-wifely, little woman, never de- 
 signed to shine in the drawing-room, and ignorant of many 
 of the conventionalities of fashionable life, but not the less 
 admirable for all that. She likes line dresses and fine com- 
 pany, and flattery, and homage, as what other ladies do 
 not? If, as some of her feminine critics remark, her po- 
 sition as wife of the President has quite turned her head, 
 this can readily be pardoned, since it is enough to have 
 turned many a wiser one. Before these feminines criticise 
 MM. LUcoln too severely, they should consider how they 
 would feel if they were in her place as they may be some 
 tine day, if their husbands are fortunate enough. Queen 
 Victoria, the best of queens, is a homely, dumpy, German 
 woman, who would not look out of place in a lager-bier 
 saloon, so far as mere personal appearance goes. And, on 
 the other hand, there have been ladies in high position 
 who were celebrated for beauty of face and figure, ele- 
 gance of manners and perfection in all the fashionable 
 arts, and whose conduct has yet disgraced themselves, their 
 sex, and their rank. This can never be truly said of 
 Mrs. Abraham Lincoln. 
 
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Dawiey's Camp & Fireside Library No. 3 
 
 NORM A D ANTON; 
 
 OR, 
 
 The Children of the Lighthouse 
 
 A TALE OF NEW YORK CITY, 
 
 BY 
 
 PIKRPOi^T de 
 
 THIS is a real picture of tlie different phases of city life ; and, if i 
 has no other merit, it is a TRUE STORY, each and every character de 
 picted throughout its pages were living, breathing beings. NORAIA, th< 
 heroine, is a girl of wild and singular beauty. The boy WILL is a typ< 
 of the brave and manly kind which wins the hearts of all. These 
 children were at a tender age left orphans, to the guardianship of uj 
 unscrupulous uncle a Wall Street Broker who, appropriating then 
 immense wealth to his own use, placed the children in the care of t 
 Lighthouse. Keeper on a distant coast, from whence, after years o) 
 hardship, they escaped the boy to sea, and the girl back to the city 
 where she was kidnapped by a rascally villain, and taken to a vile der 
 in Greene Street. 
 
 WORTLY, the tool of the rich man ; JAMISON, the simple-minded police- 
 man ; ETHEL D ANTON, the profligate ; HATTIE NEWBOLD, his victim ; 
 Madame ST. JUDE, the sorceress and fortune-teller ; URSULA LKSHMAN, the 
 good Samaritan ; CRJS, and his companion, CHUFFER, the '' Burkers," 
 were all real, living characters. " Verily, truth is stranger than fiction!' 
 
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Dawley'a Camp and Fireside Library No. 
 
 INCIDENTS 
 
 OF 
 
 \MERICAN CAMP LIFE 
 
 Being events which have actually taken place 
 JURING THE PRESENT REBELLIO2 
 
 Second Edition, Revised and Enlarged. 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 i sn-ks-hunters of Western Virginia, 
 king on the battle-field. . '. 
 
 n inquisitive rebel, 
 n exciting incident of picket life, 
 nother picket story 
 
 picturesque rebel army, 
 accination in the army, 
 ould'nt stand it 
 
 n incident of the battle of the fort-. 
 >enes between pickets, 
 xtra rdinary telegraphic strategy, 
 urst, the Tenness? e scout . 
 he rebels and the telegraph, 
 reserving the Constitution, 
 aring adventure by Union soldiers, 
 urriside and the fisherman. 
 
 ubbir g a prisoner, 
 be burning of colt n. 
 nother female gece^h- 
 ebel practices. 
 
 robable tragic close of an eventful career. 
 n. McC all's first escape. 
 'hat they all need. 
 . New York heroine. 
 Not unless they lay down their arms." 
 n F. F.V. outwitted by a Chicago Fire Zouave 
 ake ycur choice, madam. 
 
 old by Booksellers & Newsdealers 
 Mailed, postpaid, 
 
 An escape. 
 
 A Maryland Unionist. 
 
 Joking on the battle-field, 
 
 California Joe at his work. 
 
 The wr ng way. 
 
 C rson, the scout. 
 
 Drumming a coward out of camp. 
 
 Rebels caught in their own trap. 
 
 A demijohn drilled, and its contents spiked. 
 
 An incident of the Williamsburg battle. 
 
 Clearing the battle-field after an engage mem 
 
 A Yankee trick in Missouri. 
 
 " These are my so.ia " 
 
 "The spirit of '76." 
 
 Scene at a New York recruiting oflice. 
 
 Death scene of Captain John Griswold. 
 
 The Massachusetts Sixth in Baltimore. 
 
 The drummer-boy of Marblehead. 
 
 A camp of females at Island No. Ten. 
 
 Who was sh ? 
 
 A female spy. 
 
 Miss Taylor in ( amp Dick Robinson. 
 
 Tha dying soldier. 
 
 Sure enough. 
 
 Details. 
 
 The drummer boy. 
 
 Remembered and mourned. 
 
 everywhere. Price, FIFTEEN CENT 
 on receipt of price. 
 
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 USrLIBERAL INDUCEMENTS offered to Booksellers, Local or traveling Agent* 
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 iiawieys Uamp ana Pxresi ie Library Fo 1. 
 
 BEING EVENTS WHICH HAV3 ACTUALLY TAKEN PLACE 
 DURING THE PRESENT REBELLION. 
 
 in escape. 
 
 i Maryland Unionist. 
 
 'it -make-hunters of Western Virgin 
 
 oici sf on the battle-field. 
 
 in 'iiq lisitive rebel. 
 
 oki i ri - on t!ie battle-field. 
 
 !alif >rnia Joe at his work. 
 
 . n exciting incident of picket lif*. 
 
 'h- wr ng way. 
 
 "- rs>n, the scout. 
 
 tiioiher picket story 
 
 * picturesque rebel army. 
 
 >rurmning a coward out of camp. 
 
 'accination in the army. 
 
 lebels caught in th-ir own trap. 
 
 'ould'nt stand ii 
 
 i demijohn drilled, and spiked. 
 
 .n incident ot t;ie \Villiarnsburg battle. 
 
 'learing the baUle-neld. 
 
 . Yankee trick in Missouri. 
 
 These are my sons." 
 
 The spirit of '76." 
 
 .n incident, of the battle of the fort<. 
 cones beiwa n pickets, 
 ixtra rdinary telegraphic str >tegy. 
 
 COXTE.VTS t 
 
 Hurst, thf\ Tenness-e scou'. 
 The rebels and the telegraph. 
 . Preserving the Constitution. 
 
 Scene at a New York recruiting office. 
 
 Daring adventure by Union soldiers. 
 
 Death scene of Captain John Gr swi>ld. 
 
 Burn-iide and the fisherman. 
 
 I) ubb.i g a prisoner. 
 
 The Jyiug M>idier. 
 
 Miss Taylor in . amp Dick Robinson. 
 
 A female spy. . 
 
 Who was she 1 
 
 A caift ( > of females at Island No. Tan. 
 
 The drummer-boy of Marblehead. 
 
 Th Massachusetts >Mxth in Baltimore. 
 
 What they all need. 
 
 Gen. Me* all's first escape. 
 
 Probable tragic close of an even ful career. 
 
 Rebel practices. 
 
 Another female sece h. 
 
 The burning of cou n. 
 
 Take your choice, madam. 
 
 An K. F.V. outwitted by a Chicago Fir Zouave. 
 
 " Not unless they lay down their arms." 
 
 Remembered and mourned. 
 
 Dawley's Camp and Fireside Library No. 2. 
 
 MERCEDES: 
 
 THE] 
 
 OR, 
 
 A Wild and Singular Story. 
 
 THE scenes of this stranere story are laid in California, commencing some years befc/n 
 ae gcilfl mines were discovered, aud brought to the time " when mobs and murders wen 
 s plentiful as golden slugs .' ; when gamblers were reckoned right and proper men, am 
 ambling hells weie the saloons of fashion, arid men of mind, manners and money amuset 
 a. imelvcs therein ; when theaties outunmberei] cliurches, ana play-books, Bibles; whet 
 iMMU'zans were the acknowledged leadcrB of ion ; when San Francisco rivaled her eldei 
 (sterH, b;ith of the Old an-.l New WorlJ, in her buwers of ple:\sure for here was thegpea' 
 ucleus of splendor and gratification in every sense. Fortunes were made in a single 'day 
 
 en who had made fortunes in the mines co me h -re. What wonder, then, if crime jostlec 
 lime iu the streets, Whnt wonder if fraa i iLrove in the mart of opaleuce, or that raici 
 igat brawls distir'^"' 1 '* n > pose of the fe\v wao tried to be just. 
 
 Then arose the Vig-i'fincs ommittee, taicing j'llgment into their own hands, when tb? 
 nivering bodi<s o. u.. ...it olTenders, swung t*-o^ the wide windows of the Cor3roilt.e4 
 looms in Battery Street, an awfiil example o' ii^ dtiaa of evil. 
 
 
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ZOOOKL! 
 
 The veritable Joe Miller outdone by the Western Bail- 
 
 Splitter. 
 
 OLD ABE'S JOKES; 
 
 FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 
 
 Comprising all his issues, except tlve " Greenbacks, 
 call in some of which this Work v* ill be issued. 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Father Abraham's Boyhood Pots and 
 Kettles, Dutch Ovens, Frying Pans, 
 JSsop's Fables. Rail-Splitting, &c. 
 
 An Englishman's Portrait of Old Abe. 
 
 The President on (1 rant's New Sword. 
 
 An American's Portrait of Lincoln. 
 
 A Whole Nager. 
 
 Old Abe consulting the Spirit. 
 
 Too Cussed Dirty. 
 
 Old Abe on Bayonets. 
 
 Old Abe as a Mathematician. 
 
 Lincoln & the Wooden-legged Amteur 
 
 Old Abe and the Blasted Powder. 
 
 Lincoln teaches the Soldiers how to 
 Surrender Arms. 
 
 Abe's Curiosity. / 
 
 Lincoln Agreeably Disappointed. 
 
 Lincoln and the Secesh Lady. 
 
 Old Abe's Story of New Jersey. 
 
 Succoring a Contraband . 
 
 Old Soldiers. 
 
 Lincoln and Col. Weiler. 
 
 Mr;?. Lincoln's Bonnet. 
 
 Honest Abe's Replies. 
 
 Lincoln's MetuJHc Ring. 
 
 The Presidential Hymn of Thanks. 
 
 What Old Abe says of Tennessee. 
 
 Old Abe a Coward. 
 
 The President & the Patriotic Darkey. 
 
 Abe's Affair of Honor. 
 
 Abraham Advises the Sprigs, 
 
 Lincoln vs. Water Cure. 
 
 &c., <fec.. &c., ' <fec., 
 
 The Negro in a Hogshead. 
 That what Skeered 'em so Bad. 
 The President & the Wounded Rebels. 
 A Pedlar made to eat his own Pies. 
 Got the Itch. 
 
 Old Abe occasionally browses around. 
 Mr. Lincoln and tiie Nigger Barber, 
 Abe on the Compromise. 
 Old Abe appoints a General. 
 The President on the " Mud." 
 Lincoln on his Cabinet Helps. 
 Lincoln's Advice. 
 A Practical Joke. 
 Old Abe's on his Tod. 
 Pluck to the toe-nail. 
 Lincoln arid the Lost Apple. 
 Old Abe on Temperance. 
 Uncle Abe and the Judge. 
 Mince Pies r.s. Tracts. 
 The Nigger and the Small Pox. 
 Why Lincoln Did'nt Stop the War. 
 Lincoln's Estimate of the "Honors." 
 Abe's Long L-. 
 The President on Banks. 
 Old Abe's Noble Saying. 
 I Mean Old Abe. 
 
 Abe and the Distance to the Capitol. 
 T. R. Strong, but Coffee are Stronger. 
 &hriiham tells a Story. 
 Why Lincoln Appointed Fremont. 
 Old 'Abe on the Congressmen. 
 Wlvere Abe said it had gone. 
 Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc,, Etc. 
 
 OLD ABE'S JOKES Fresh from Abraham's Bosom, being ti.e 
 Jests and Squibs of Father Abraham, the Greatest Liviimg JaktT 
 of the Age. This Work is designed to have an immense sale,. probably 
 greater than that of any book that has been in the market for years. Ev- 
 erybody will read Old jibe's Jokes." 
 
 Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 35 Cts. 
 
 T. R. DAWLEY, PUBLISHER, 
 
 13 and 15 PAJRK ROW, 
 
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