PRICE, THIRTY-riVE CENTS. V FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. geto T. R. DAWLEY, PUBLISHED. NEWS CO. 1.9t sau St., N. Y. fc, OLD ABE'S JOKES; FRESH TROM BOSOM CONTAINING ALL US ISSUES, THE "GREENBACKS." TO CALL IN SOME OF WHICH, THIS WORK IS ISSUED. NEW YOEK: T. R. DAWLEY, PUBLISHER, 13 & 15 PARK Row. Old Abe's Jokes, says the New York Herald, " are the essence ot President's Lincoln's life." They will be read by everybody, con- taining as they do all the JESTS and SQUIBS of Father Abraham. NOTICE : Many of these Jokes, Jests and Sqnibs, contained in this work, never before appeared in print, being fresh from the National Joker's lips, and are entered according to Act of Congress ; hence, parties publishing them without crediting to thig work, will be liable to prosecution. ENTERED ACCORDING TO ACT OP CONGRESS, IN THE YEAR 1864, BY T . R. DA'WLBY, IN THE CLERK'S OFFICE OF THE DISTRICT COURT OF THE UNITED STATES, FOB THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK. T. R, DAWLEY, Stereotyper, Steam Book, Job and Newspaper Printer and Publisher, No. 13 and 15 Park Row, N. Y. OLD ABE'S JOKES. Father Abraham's Boyhood, Pots and Kettles, Dutch Ovens, Frying Pans, /Esops Fables, Rail-Splitting, &c., &c. Abraham Lincoln was born in Hardin county, Kentucky, in the year 1809. His parents were poor, and lived in a log-house "without a floor, furnished with lour or five three- legged stools, pots, kettles, a spider, Dutch oven, and some- thing -that answered for a bed." They were both members of the Baptist church, the mother being represented as a whole-hearted Christian of godly example and precept* She could read but could not write. The father was not BO highly endowed by nature as his wife, but was superior in most respects to his neighbors. He could write his name but could not read at all. Abraham was seven years old when he was sent to. school, for the first time, to "one Hazel, who came to live in the neighborhood. There were no schools nor school-houses 22 OLD ABB'S JOKES, in the region, and few of the people could read. But this Hazel could read and write ; but beyond this he made a poor figure. For a small sum he taught a few children at his house, and Abraham was one of the number. His parents were so anxious that he should know how to read and write, that they managed to save enough out of their penury to send him to school a few weeks. They considered Abraham a remarkable boy. Every day he posted away with the old spelling-book to Hazel's cabin, where he tried as hard to learn as aay boy who ever studied his Ab's. He carried his book home at night and puzzled his active brain over what he had learned during the day. He cared for nothing but his book. His highest ambition was to learn to read as well as his mother could. As she gathered the family, and read the bible to them each day, and particularly as she read it upon the Sabbath much of the time, he almost envied her the blessed privilege of reading. He longed foi the day to come when he could read aloud from that revered volume. Beyond that privilege he did not look. To be able to read was boon enough for him, without looking for anything be- yond. Young Abraham received the most excellent moral teach- ings from his mother who was accustomed to read the Bible gularly to her family. Her reading was not confined to the Old Testament, nor to the narrative portions of the Bible. She understood the gospel because she had a Christian experience that was marked. She was a firm, consistent disciple of the Lord Jesus, and was qualified thereby to expound the scriptures. The story of the Cross, as it is recorded in the 27th chap- FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 29 ter of Matthew, was read over at the fire-side, accom- panied with many remarks that were suited to impress the minds of her children. The Ten Commandments were made an important mat- ter in the Sabbath lessons, and Abraham was drilled in re- peating them, were pressed upon his attention namely, (III) 8 Thou shalt not take name of the Lord thy God in vain for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. (IV.) Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.' (V.) Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord hath giveth thee.' (IX.) 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.' * In this way many Sabbaths of Abraham's boyhood were spent, so that he became familiar with the Bible. For a boy of his age, he was excelled by few in his acquaintance with the Scriptures. The Bible, catechism, and the old spelling-book named, being the only books in the family at this time, as we have said, and there being no papers, either religious or secular, the Bible was read much more than it would have been if other volumes had been possessed. It was the first book that Abraham ever read that same old family Bible, kept very choice because their poverty could not afford another. It was the only bible that his mother ever possessed, her life treasure, to which she was more indebted, and perhaps, also, her son Abraham, than any other influence. It was certainly the light of her dwelling, and the most powerful educator that ever entered her family. That same Bible is still in the possession of a relative in the state of Illinois. 24 OLD ABE'S JOKES, When Abraham was about eight years old, his father, preferring to live in a free State, sold his farm for a lot of whiskey (most of which he lost in moving), and emigrated te Spencer county, Indiana. Here, miles from any neigh- bor, he opened his new settlement and built himself a cabin, almost the counterpart of the one they had left in Ken- tucky. About the end of their first year's residence in Indiana, affliction came upon the household in the shape of the death of Mrs. Lincoln. About this time, too, Abra- ham's literary treasures were enlarged by the acquisition of the Pilgrim's Progress and &sop's Fables. He read it over and over until he could repeat almost the entire contents of the volume. He was interested in the moral lesson that each fable taught, and derived there- from many valuable hints that he carried with him through life. On the whole he spent more time over JEsop's Fabks than he did over Pilgrim's Progress^ although he was really, charmed by the latter. But there was a practical turn to the Fables that interested him, and he could easily recollect the stories. Perhaps this early familiarity with this book laid the foundations for that facility at apt story-telling which has distinguished him from his youth. It is easy to see how such a volume might beget and foster a taste in this direction. He was also so fortunate as to find a writing-master. Abraham was awkward enough in the use of the pen at first'; but he soon overcame this difficulty, and exhibited unusual judgment for a boy in the formation of letters. When he had learned how to form a letter, he practiced upon it in various ways. With a bit of chalk he would cut them on pieces of slabs and on the trunks of trees; and FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 25 more than once the tops of the stools in the cabin and the puncheon-table served him in lieu of a writing-book. His father was too poor to provide him with all the paper ne- cessary for his scribbling, and so he resorted to these va- rious expedients. The end of a charred stick was used as a pencil sometimes to accomplish his object, and it enabled him to cut letters with considerable facility. We have not space to follow Abraham during the course of his life in Indiana. We pass on to the removal of the family to Illinois and to the celebrated splitting of the rails, They accomplished the journey from Spencer county, In- diana, to Decatur, Illinois, in fifteen days. The spot se- lected for their home was on the north side of the Sauga- mon River, about 10 miles west of Decatur, a spot wisely chosen, because it was at the junction of the timber and prairie lands. A log house was immediately erected, in the building of which Abraham acted a conspicuous part. Ten acres of prairie land were selected, and the sods were broken for a crop of corn. c That must be fenced at once,' said Abraham. 6 And you'll have to split the rails, if it is done,' replied his father. { That I can do, as I am used to it ; but I don't expect to split rails for a living all my days.' I hope you won't have to. When we get things under way, you can seek your for tin' somewhere else.' * I haven't made up my mind as to that. There will be time enough for that when the ten acres are fenced in.' - * We shall hare enough to do this summer to break up 26 OLD ABE'S JOKES, and plant ten acres of corn, and take care of it, and fence the lot. But who ever saw such land as this ? The half was not told us.' Mr. Lincoln was surprised at the rich- ness of the lands ; and, in all respects, he was pleased with the change of residence. 'There can be no better farming land than this,' answer- ed Abraham, and it ain't half the work to cultivate these prairie lands. And I am just the hand to fence them, as I have swung the axes so much* Yes, you can do it better than I can, and a great deal quicker ; so you may go at it as soon as you please.' Accordingly, Abraham proceeded to split the rails for the ten acre lot. These are the rails about which so much was said in the late Presidential campaign. Their exist- ence,' says Mr. Scripps, * was brought to the public atten- tion during the sitting of the Republican State Convention, at Decatur, on which occasion a banner, attached - to two of these rails, and bearing an appropriate inscription was brought into the assemblage and formally presented to that body, amid a scene of unparalleled enthusiasm. After that they were in demand in every State of the Union in which free labor is honored, where they were borne in processions of the people, and hailed by hundreds of thousands of free- men, as a symbol of triumph, and as a glorious vindication of freedom, and of the rights and the dignity of free labor. These, however, were far from being the first or only rails made by Lincoln. He was a practiced hand at the busi- ness. His first lessons were taken while yet a boy in In- diana. Some of the rails made by him in that State have been clearly identified. The writer has seen a cane, now in the possession of Mr. Lincoln, made by one of his oM FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 27 acquaintances, from one of those rails split by his own hands IB boyhood/ Shortly after the removal to Illinois, Abraham left his home to look out for himself. He found a comfortable place with a family living near Petersburg, Menard county, where, as was the case wherever he lived, he acquired tie esteem of all. The young people who became acquainted with him gave him their confidence without hesitation. They believed him to be a conscientious, upright young man. For this reason, they referred the settlement of dispute to him. They had confidence in his judgment as well as his honesty. Different sorts of games were in vogue at that time, and running matches and horse-racings, and if Abraham was present, one party or the other was sure to make him their judge. Two years later, while he was livinginNew Salem, he shared the confidence of all to such an extent that both parties, in the aforesaid amusements, were wont to choose him for their judge. In all cases, too, there was the ut- most satisfaction shown in his decisions. It was at this period of his life that he was christened < Honest Abe.' It was so unusual for the same person to act as judge for both of the contending parties, and it was expressive of so much confidence in his character that by common consent he came to be known as < HONEST ABE.' Father Abraham a Disciple of " Father Matthew." When Gen. Hooker was ordered to join Gen. Grant at Chattanooga, the president advised him to avoid ' Bourbon 9 county, when passing through Kentucky. 28 OLD ABE'S JOKES, An Englishman's Portraits of Old Abe To say that he is ugly, is nothing ; to add that his fig- ure is grotesque, is to convey no adequate impression. Fancy a man six feet high, and then out of proportion ; with long bony arms and legs, which somehow seem to be always in the way ; with great rugged furrowed hands, which grasp you like a vice when shaking yours ; with a long snaggy neck, and a ckest too narrow for the great arms at its side. Add to this figure a head cocoa-nut shaped and somewhat too small for such a stature, covered with reugh, uncombed and uncomable hair, that stands out in every direction at once ; a face furrowed, wrinkled and indented, as though it had been scarred by vitrol ; a high narrow forehead ; and sunk deep beneath bushy eyebrows, two bright, dreamy eyes, that seem to gaze through you without looking at you ; a few irregular blotches of black bristly hair, in the place where beard and whiskers ought to grow ; a close-set, thin- lipped, stern mouth, with two rows of large white teeth, and a nose and ears which have been taken by mistake from a head of twice the size. Clothe this figure, then, in a long, tight, badly-fitting suit of black, crease.d, soiled -and puckered up at every salient point of the figure (and every point of this figure is salient) put on large, ill-fitting boots, -gloves too long for the long bony fingers, and a fluffy hat, covered to the top with dusty, puffy crape ; and then add to this an air of strength, physical as well as moral, and a strange look of dignity coupled with all this grotesqueness ; and you will have the impression left upon me by Abraham Lincoln.' 29 An American's Portrait of Father Abraham. In character and culture he is a fair representative of the average American. His awkward speech and yet more awkward silence, his uncouth manners, self-taught and partly forgotten, his style miscellaneous, concreted from the best authors, like a reading book, and yet oftentimes of Saxon force and classic purity ; his argument, his logic a joke ; both unseasonable at times and irresistable always ; his questions answers, and his answers questions ; his guoeses prophecies, and fuliillment ever beyond his prom- ise ; honest yet shrewd ; simple yet retiscent ; heavy yet energetic; never despairing, never sanguine; careless in forms, conscientious in essentials ; never sacrificing a good servant once trusted ; never deserting a good principle once adopted ; not afraid of new ideas, nor despising old ones ; improving opportunities to confess mistakes, ready to learn, getting at facts, doing nothing when he knows not what to do ; hesitating at nothing when he sees the right; lacking the recognized qualifications of a party leader, and leading his party as no other man can ; sus- taining his political enemies in Missouri in their defeat, sustaining his political friends in Maryland to their victo- ry ; conservative in his sympathies and radical in his acts, Socratic in his style and Baconian in his method ; his reli- gion consisting in truthfulness, temperance : asking good people to pray for him, and publicly acknowledging in events the hand of God, yet he stands before you as the type of c Brother Jonathan,' a not perfect man and yet more precious than fine gold.' 30 OLD ABE'S JOKES, Thf Pretldtnt In Society. * On the occasion when the writer had the honor of meeting the President, the company was a small one, with most of whom he was personally acquainted. He was much at his ease. There was a look of depression about his face, which was habitual to him even before his child's death. It was strange to me to witness the perfect terms of equality on which he appeared to be with everybody. Occasionally some of his interlocutors called to him : < Mr. President, 5 but the habit was to address him simply as : Sir.' It was not, indeed, till we were introduced to him that we were aware that the President was one of the company. He talked little, and seemed to prefer others talking to him to talking himself ; but, when he spoke, his remarks were always shrewd and sensible. You would never say he was a gentleman ; you would still less say he was not one. There are some women about whom no one ever thinks in connection with beauty one way or the other ; and there are men to whom the epithet of gentleman-like or ungentleman-like appears utterly incongruous ; and of such Mr. Lincoln is one. Still there is about him an ut- ter absence of pretension, and an evident desire to be cour- teous to everybody, which is the essence, if not the outward form, of good breeding. There is a softness, too, alx ut his smile, and a sparkle of dry humor about his eye, which redeem the expression of his face, and remind us more of the late Dr. Arnold, as a child's recollection recalls him, than of any face we can call to mind. The conversation, like that of all American official men FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 81 we have met with, was unrestrained in the presence of strangers, to a degree perfectly astonishing. Any remarks that we heard made, as to the present state of affiairs, we do not feel at liberty to repeat, though really every public man here appears not only to live in a glass house, but in a reverberating gallery, and to be absolutely indifferent as to who sees or heap him. Tnere are a few 6 Lincolnisms, 5 however, which we may fairly quote, and which will show the style of his conversation. Some of the party began smoking, and our host remarked, laughingly, < The Presi- dent has got no vices : he neither smokes nor drinks/ 'That is a doubtful compliment/ answered the President I ra- collect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no rices. He said nothing, smoked for some Jime, and then grunted out, < its my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguy few virtues.' Again a gentleman pres- ent was telling how a friend of his had been driven away from New Orleans as a Unionist, and how, on his expul- sion, when he asked to see the writ by which he was ex- pelled, the deputation which called on him told him that the Government had made up their minds to do nothing il- legal, and so they had issued no illegal writs, and simply meant to make him go of his own free will. Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, that reminds me of a hotel keeper down at St. Louis, who boasted he never had a death in his hotel, for whenever a guest was dying in his house he carried him out to die in the street.' 32 OLD ABE'S JOKES, Mr. Lincoln's Daily Life. Mr. Lincoln is an early riser, and he thus is able to de- vote two or three hours each morning to his voluminous private correspondence, besides glancing at a city paper. At nine he breakfasts then walks over to the .war office, to read such war telegrams as they give him, (occasionally some are withheld,) and to have a chat with General Hal- leek on the military situation, in which he takes a great in- terest. Returning to the white house, he goes through with his morning's mail, in company with a private secre- tary, who makes a minute of the reply which he is to make and others the President retains, that he may answer them himself. Every letter receives attention, and all which are entitled to a reply receive one uo matter how they are worded, or how inelegant the chirography may be- Tuesday and Fridays are cabinet days, but on other days visitors at the white house are requested to wait in the anti-chamber, and send in their cards. Sometimes, before the President has finished reading his mail Louis will have a handful of pasteboard, and from the cards laid before him Mr. Lincoln has visitors ushered in, giving pre- cedence to acquaintances. Three or four hours do they pour in, in "rapid succession, nine out of ten asking offices, and patiently does the president listen to their application. Care and anxiety have furrowed his rather homely features, yet occasionally he is ' reminded of an anecdote' and good humored glances beam from his clear, grey eyes, while his ringing laugh shows that he is not ' used up' yet. The FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 33 simple and natural manner in which he delivers his tkoughts makes him appear to those visiting him like an earnest, affectionate friend. He makes little parade of his legal science, and rarely indulges in speculative propo-. eitions, but states his ideas in plain Angle-saxon, illumina- ted by nany lively images and pleasing allusions, which seem to f.ow as if in obedience to a resistless impulse of his -nature. Some newspaper admirer attempts to deny that the President tells stories. Why, it is rarely that any one is in his company for fifteen minutes without hearing a good tale, appropriate to the subject talked about. Many a metaphysical argument docs he demolish by simply telling an anecdote, which exactly overturns the verbal structure. About four o'clock the President declines seeing any more company, and often accompanies his wife in her car- riage to take a drive. He is fond of horseback exercise and when passing the summers' home used generally to go in the saddle. The President dines at six, and it is rare that some personal friends do not grace the round dining table where he throws off the cares of office, and reminds those who have been in Kentucky of the old school gentle- man who used to dispense generous hospitality there. From the dinner table the party retire to the crimson draw- ing room, where coffee is served, and where the President passes the evening, unless some dignitary has a special in- terview. Such is the almost unvarying daily life of Abra- ham Lincoln, whose administration will rank next in im- portance to that of Washington in our national annals.' 84 OLD ABE'S JOKES, Personal Habits of the President, Those who know the habits of President Lincoln are not surprised to hear of his personal visit to some general, nor would any such be astonished to know that he was in New York at any time. If he wanted to see anything or anybody, he would be as likely to coine on as to send. He has an orbit of his own, and no one can tell where he will be or what he will do, from anything done yesterday. If he wants a newspaper he is quite as likely to go out and jjet it as he is to send a/ter it. If he want's to see the Sec- retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call, retary of State, he generally goes out and makes a call. At night, from ten to twelve, he usually makes a tour all around now at Seward's and then at Halleck's ; and if Burnside was nearer, he would see him each night before he went to bed. Those who know his habits and want to see him late at night, follow him round from place to place, and the last search generally brings him up at Gen. Hal- leck's, as he can get the latest army intelligence there Whoever else is asleep or indolent the President is wide awake and around. Beneath all the playfulness of his mind burns a solemn earnestness of patriotism; amid his prudence a great cour- age ; in all his gentleness and compliance a determined grasp of the reins, and a firmness not inferior to General Jackson's, though without its passion and caprice. He is a wise, true, sagacious, earnest and formidable leader.' FRESH FROM ABRAHAil'8 BOSOM. 35 Several Little Stories, BY AND ABOUT PRESIDENT LINCOLN. * It would be hardly necessary to inform the nation that x)ur President, in the midst of the anxieties of a state of war that continually torture his mind, is wont to find oc- casional relief in an appropriate anecdote or well-turned jest. No man, says Mrs. Stowe, has suffered more and deeper, albeit with a dry, weary, patient pain, that seemed to some like insensibility, than President Lincoln. * Whichever way it ends/ he said to the writer, I have the impression that / shan't last much longer after it is over.' After the dreadful repulse of Fredericksburg, he is re- ported to have said : If there is a man out of Hell that suffers more than I do, I pity him.' In those dark days his heavy eyes and worn and weary air told how our re- verses wore upon him, and yet there was a never-failing fund of patience at the bottom, that sometimes rose to the Surface in some droll, quaint saying or story, that forced a laugh even from himself. Old Abe Consulting the Splritf. A Washington correspondent of the Boston Saturday Evening Gazette, gives the following account of a spiritual manifestation at the White House : A few evenings since Abraham Lincoln, the President of the United States, was induced to give a Spiritual soiree in the crimson room at the White House, to test the won- 36 OLD ABE'S JOKES, derful alleged supernatural powers of Mr. Charles E. Shockle. It was my good fortune as a friend of the medi- um to be present, the party consisting of the President, Mrs. Lincoln, Mr. Welles, Mr. Stanton, Mr. L., of New York, and Mr. F., of Philadelphia. We took our seats in the circle about eight o'clock, but the President was called ivvay shortly after the manifestations commenced, and the spirits, which had apparently assembled to -convince him of their power, gave visible tokens of their displeasure at the President's absence, by pinching Mr. Stanton's ears and twitching Mr. Welles' beard. The President soon re- turned, but it was some time before harmony was restored, for the mishaps to the Secretaries caused such bursts of laughter, that the influence was very unpropitious. For Bomo half hour the demonstrations were of a physical char- acter tables were moved, and a picture of Henry Clay, which hangs on the wall, was swayed more than a foot, and two candelab/as, presented by the Dey of Algiers to Pres- ident Adams, were twice raised nearly to the ceiling. It was nearly nine o'clock before Shockle was fully under spiritual influence, and so powerful were the subsequent manifestations that twice during the evening restoratives were applied, for he was much weakened, and though I took no notes, I shall endeavor to give you as faithful an account as possible of what took place. Loud rappings about nine o'clock were 1 heard directly beneath 'the President's feet, and -Mr. Shockle stated that an Indian desired to communicate. 5 Well, sir,' said the President, I should be happy to hear what his Indian majesty has to say. We have recent- Jy had a visitation from our red brethren, and it was the FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 37 only delegation, black, white r blue, which 'did -not volun- teer some advice about the conduct of the war/ The medium then called for pencil and paper, and they were laid upon the table in sight of all. A handkerchief was then taken from Mr. Stanton, and the materials were carefully concealed from sight. In less space of time than it has required me to write this, knocks were heard, and the paper was uncovered. To the surprise of all present, it read as follows : " Haste makes waste, but delays cause vexations. Give vitality by energy. Use every means to subdue. Procla- mations are useless. Make a bold front and fight the enemy, leave traitors at home to the, care of the loyal men. Less note of preparation, less parade and policy-talk and more action. HENRY KNOX/' 6 That is not Indian talk, Mr. Shockle/ said the Presi- dent. s Who is Henry Knox T I suggested to the medium to ask who General Knox was, and before the words were from my lips, the medium spoke in a strange voice, The first Secretary of War.' 4 Oh, yes, General Knox/ said the President, who turn- ing to the Secretary, said, Stanton, that message is for you it is from your predecessor/ Mr. Stanton made no reply. < I should like to ask General Knox,' said the President, if it is within the scope of his ability to tell us when this rebellion will be put down/ In the same manner as before this message was received; ' Washington, Lafayette, Franklin, Wilberforce, Napo* leon and myself have held frequent consultations upon this 38 OLD ABE'S JOKES, point. There is something which our spiritual eyes cannot detect which prevents rapid consummation of plans which appear well formed. Evil has come at times by removal of men from high positions, and there are those in retire- ment whose abilities should be made useful to hasten the end. Napoleon says concentrate your forces upon one point, Lafayette thinks that the rebellion will die of ex- haustion, Franklin sees the end approaching as the South must give up for want of mechanical ability to compete against Northern mechanics, Wilberforce sees hope only in a negro army. KNOX.' < Well/ exclaimed the President, opinions differ among the saints as well as among the sinners. They don't seem to understand running the machine among the celestials much better than we do. Their talk and advice sound very much like the talk of my cabinet don't you think so Mr. Welles?' Well, I don't know I will think the matter over and see what conclusions I arrive at.' Heavy raps were heard and the alphabet was called for when That's what's the matter' was spelled out. There was a shout of laughter, and Mr. Welles stroked his beard. ' That means, Mr. Welles/ said the President, that you are apt to be long-winded, and think the nearest way home is the longest round. Short cuts in war times. I wish the spirits would tell us how to catch the Alabama/ The lights which had been partially lowered almost in- stantaneously become so dim that I could not see sufficient- ly to distinguish the features of any one in the room, and on the large mirror over the mantel-peice there appeared FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 30 the most beautiful though supernatural picture eye ever be- held. It represented a sea-view, the Alabama with all steam up flying from the pursuit of another large steamer. Two merchantmen in the distance were seen partially des- troyed by fire. The picture changed and the Alabama was Been at anchor under the shadow of an English fort from which an English flag was flying. The Alabama was floating idly, not a soul on board, and no signs of lif$ vis- ible about her. The picture vanished and in letters of purple appeared, The English PEOPLE demand this of England's ARISTO- CRACY.' ' So England is to seize the Alabama finally ?' said the President. 'It may be possible, but Mr. Welles, don't let one gunboat or one monitor less be built.' The spirits again called for the alphabet, and again < That's what's the matter' was spelt out. 6 1 see, I see,' said the President. 4 Mother England thinks that what's sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander. It may be tit, tat, too hereafter But it is not very complimentary to our Navy anyhow/ ' We've done our best, Mr. President/ said Mr. Welles. 6 I'm maturing a plan, which, when perfected, 1 think if it works well, will be a perfect trap for the Alabama.' Well, Mr. Shockle/ remarked the President, I havs ieen strange things and heard rather odd remarks but nothing which convinces me, except the pictures, that there is anything very heavenly about all this. I should like if possible, to hear what Judge Douglas says about this war.' 6 I'll try to get his spirit/ said Mr. Shockle, * but it OLD ABE'S JOKES, sometimes happens, as it did to-night in the case of the Indian, that though first impressed by one spirit, I yield to another more powerful. If perfect silence is maintain- ed, I will see if we cannot induce General Knox to send for Mr. Douglas.' Three raps were given, signifying assent to the proposi- tion. Perfect silence was maintained, and after an in- terval of- perhaps three minutes, Mr. Shockle rose quickly from his chair 'and stood behind it, resting his left arm on the back, his right thrust into his bosom. In a voice such as no one could mistake who had ever heard Mr. Douglas, he spoke. I shall not pretend to quote the language. It was eloquent and choice. He urged the President to throw aside all advisers who hesitated about the policy to be pur- sued, and to listen to the wishes of the people, who would sustain him at all points, if his aim was, as he believed it was, to restore the Union. He said there were Burrs and Blenderhassetts still living, but that they would wither before the popular approval, which would follow one or two victories, such as he thought must take place ere long. The turning point in this war will be the proper use of these victories ; if wicked men in the first hours of suc- 9ess think it time to devote their attention to party, the war will be prolonged, but if victory is followed up by energetic action all will be well. < I believe that,' said the President, whether it comes from spirit or human.' Mr. Shockle was much prostrated after this, and at Mrs. Lincoln's request it was thought best to adjourn the seance sine die. FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 41 " Too Cussed Dirty." The following story is often told of Father Abraham abeut two contrabands, servants of General Kelly and Capt. George Harrison. When the General and his staff were on their way up the mountains they stopped at a little village to get something to eat. They persuaded the occupant of the farm-house to cook them a meal, and in order to expedite matters, sent the two contrabands mentioned to assist in preparing the repast. After it was over the General told the negroes to help themselves. An hour or two afterward he observed them gnawing away at some hard crackers and flitch. 4 Why didn't you eat your dinner at the village ?.* asked the General of one of them. 6 Well, to tell the God's trufe, General, it wos too cus- sed dirty !' was the reply. Old Abe on Bayonets. You can't do anything with them Southern fellows, the old gentleman at the table was saying. { If they get whipped they'll retreat to them Southern swamps aud bayous along with the fishes and crocodiles. You haven't got the fish-nets made that'll catch 'em.' 'Look here, old gentleman !' screamed old Abe, who was sitting along side ' We've got just the nets for traitors, in the bayous or anywhere. 'Hey? what nets?' Bayou.nets ? 9 and Abraham pointed his joke with a fork, spearing a fishball savagely. OLD ABE'S Old Abe as a Mathematician. Mr. Lincoln has a very effective way sometimes of deal- ing with men who trouble him with questions. Somebody asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. He replied very seriously, * Twelve hundred thousand, accord- ing to the best authority.' The interrogator blanched in the face, and ejaculated -on arrived the officers were about to tip the cask out, but where prevented by the boy, who exclaimed i * Wait a minute* bring me a hatchet' A hatchet was FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 57 brought, and the little fellow set to work unheading the cask, and as he did so the officers were astonished to see two. lull grown negroes snugly packed inside. Upon being assured by the lad that they were safe they raised their heads, took a long snuff of fresh air, and exclaimed, 'Bress cle Lord:!' The boy stated that the rioters had chased the poor un- fortunates into the rear of some houses on the west side of the town, and that they had escaped by staling a fence and landing in a grocer's yard ; that the grocer^ was friendly to them, but feared his place might be sacked if they were found there, He accordingly hit upon this novel plan of getting them out, and while he kept watch in front the boy coopered the negroes up. The cask was then rolled out like a hogshead of sugar, placed in the wagon and driven off to Mulberry street. The colored heroes of this iidventurc may still be found at police head- quarters, thankful to the ingenuity and daring of those who suggested and 'carried out this singular method of sav- ing them from violence.' _ o Mr. Lincoln's Kind-Heartedness. 'Anlncident connected with Mr. Shultz illustrates the kind-heartedness 01' Mr. Lincoln On his return from his former imprisonment, on parole, young Shultz was sent to Camp Parole, at Alexandria. Having had no furlough siiiL-o tho war, efforts were made, without success, to get him liberty to pay a brief visit to his friends; but having faith in the warm-heat U-dness of the President, the young soldier's widowed mother wrote to Mr. Lincoln, stating 58 OLD ABP/8 JOKES, that he had been in nearly every battle fought by the army of the Potomac, had never asked a furlough, was now a paroled prisoner, and in consequence unable to perform active duties, that two of his brothers had also served in the army, and asking that he be allowed to visit home, that she might see him once more. Her trust in the Pres- ident was not unfounded. He immediately caused a fur- lough to be given to her son, who, shortly before he was exchanged, visited his family, to their great surprise and joy. "Dat's what Skeered 'em so bad!" Says Lincoln, We were passing along the wharves a few days ago, wondering at the amount of business that was there transacted. While standing observing a cargo of horses being transferred from a vessel to the shore, an old contraband' appeared at our elbow, touching his fur hat, and scraping an enormous foot. He opened his bat- tery upon us with the following: ' Well, boss, how is yer ?' ' Pretty well, daddy ; how are you ?' * I'se fuss rate, I is. B'long.to Old Burnemside's boys, does yer?' * Yes, I belong to that party. Great boys, ain't they V 1 Well I thought yer b'longed to dat party. Great man, he is, dat's sartin. Yes, sir. We waited and waited ; we heard yer was coming' but we mos guv yer up. 'Deed we jest did ; but one mornin 5 we heard de big guns, way down ribber, go bang, bang, bang, and de folks round yer began to cut dar stick mitey short, and trabble up de rail track. FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 59 Den bress de good Lord, we knowed yer was coming, but we held our jaw. Bymeby de sojers begun to cut dar stick, too, and dey did trabble ! Goramity, 'pears dey made de dirt fly! Ya, ha!' * Why, were they scared so bad ?' ' De sogers didn't skeer urn so much as dem black boats. Rase, yer see, de sojers shot solid balls, and dey not mind dem so much ; but when dem boats say b-o-o-m, dey knowd de rotten balls was comin, and they skeeted quick- ern a streak of litenin.' 1 What! rotten balls did the boats throw at them 1 Dont yer know ? What, dem balls dat are bad, dar rotten ; iiy all to bits 'deed does dey play de very deb- bil wid yer. No dodgin' dem dere balls : ' kase yer dun- no whare dey f.y too strike yah and fly yandah ; dat's what skeered 'em so bad!' < Well, what are you going to do when the war's over 4 Dunno, 'praps I goes Noff wid dis crowd. Pretty muck so, I guess. Tears ter me dis child had better be movinV The Darned Thing. The following was told of a soldier wounded by a shell from Fort Wagner. He was going to the rear with a mutilated arm. ' Wounded by a shell ?' he was asked. * Yes / he coolly answered, ' I was right under the darn- ed thing when the bottom drooped out,' 60 OLD ABE'S JOKES. The President shaking hands with Wounded Rebels. A correspondent, who was with the President on the occasion of his recent visit to Frederick, Md., tells the following incident: ' After leaving Gen. Richardson, the party passed a house in which was a large number of confederate wound- ed. By request of the President, the party alighted and entered the building. Mr. Lincoln, after looking, remark- ed to the woundH confederates that if they had no objection he would be pleased to take them by the hand. He said the solemn obligations which we owe to our coun- try and posterity compel the prosecution of this war, and it followed that many were our enemies through uncon- trollable circumstances and he bore them no malice, and could take them by the hand with sympathy and good feel- ing. After a short silence the confederates came forward, and each silently but fervently shook the hand of the President. Mr. Lincoln and Gen. McClellan then walked forward by the side of those who were wounded too severely to be able to arise, and bid them to be of good cheer ; assuring them that every possible care should be bestowed upon them to ameliorate their condition. It was a moving scene, and there was not a dry eye in the building, either among the nationals or confederates. Both the President and Gen. McClellan were kind in their remarks and treatment of the rebel sufferers during this remarkable interview/ * Pedlar made to swallow his own Pies. We have read frequent allusions to the rough points in the character of General Nelson, who has succeeded, we believe, to the command of Gen. Mitchell's division. The following account of one of his performances sounds so much like other things alleged of him, that we suspect it may be accounted at least half true, and may not be out of place in Old Abe's Jokes : Gen. Nelson, the commander of our division, occasion- ally comes dashing through camp, bestowing a gratuitous cursing to some offender and .is off like a shot. He is a great, rough, profane old fellow has followed the seas many years. He has a plain, good, old fashioned fire- place kindness about him that is always shown to those that do their duty. But offenders meet with no mercy at his hands. The General hates pedlars. There are many that come about the camp selling hoe-cakes, pies, milk, f volunteers: 6 I'm captain of the Baldinsville company. I riz grad- ooaly but rnajes'icly from drummer's secretary to my pres- ent position. I determined to have my company composed excloosively of offissers, everybody to rank as brigadier- general. As all air comrnandin' offissers there ain't no jelusy : and as we air all exceedin' smart, it faint worth while to try to outstrip each other. The idee of a com- pany composed excloosively of commanders-in-chief ori;ig- gernated I spose I skursely need say, in this brane. Con- sidered as an idee, I flatter .myself it's pretty heffy We've got the tack ticks at our tongs' end, 'but what we pareickly excol in is restin' muskits. We can rest mus- kits with anybody. Our corpse will do its dooty. We'll be chopt into sassiage meet before we'll exhibit our coat tails to the foe We'll fight till there's nothing left to us hut ouf little toes, attd even they eh all decently wriggle*' 74 OLD ABE'S JOKES, The National Joker and the Nigger Mathematician. A. gentleman, who happened to have an interview with the national joker just previous to the battle of Gettys- burg, ventured to turn the conversation on the rebel in- vasion of Pennsylvania, and made the remark that the rebels were splendidly armed. 4 There's no doubt of that,' replied Mr. Lincoln, ' because we supplied them with the best we had.' The visitor expressed a confident * hope, however, that Meade would be able to beat Lee and cap- ture his whole army. The President grinned to the ut- most extent of his classic mouth, and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much * nigger mathematics ' in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt bound in politeness to do, supposing that there must be something in it, though he could not see the point. * But I suppose you don't know what nigger mathematics is,' continued Mr. Lincoln. * Lay down your hat for a minute, and I'll tell you.' He himself resumed the sitting posture, leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, arid went on with his story. There was a darkey in my neigh- borhood called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see him. Hear ye're a great mat'm'tishun, Pompey. Yes, sar, you jus try. Well, Pompey, I'ze compound a problem in matmatics. All right, sar. Now, Pompey, s'poee der am tree pigeons sittin on a rail fenee, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left ? Two, ob coors, FRESB FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 7& replies Pompey, after a little wool-scratching. Ya, ya, ya, laughs Mr. Johnson ; I knowed you was a fool, Pompey ; dere's none left ; one's dead, and d'udder two's flown away. That's what makes me say,' continued Mr. Lincoln. * that I'm afraid there will be too much nigger mathe- matics in the Pennsylvania campaign.' And the result showed that, in this instance at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off over the Potomac. Big Brindle and the Highfalutin Colonel. President Lincoln tells the following story of Col. W who had been elected to the Legislature, and had also been judge of the county court. His elevation, however, had made him somewhat pompous, and lu became very foud of using big words. On his farm he bad a very large aud mischievous ox called ' Big Brindle,' which fre- quently broke down his neighbors' fences, arid, committed other depredations, much to the Colonel's annoyance. One morning after breakfast in the presence of Mr. Lincoln who had stayed with him over night, and who was on his way to town, he called his overseer and said to him : *Mr. Allen, I desire you to impound Big Brindle, in order that I may hear no animadversions on his eternal depredations.' Allen bowed and walked off, sorely puzzled to Know what the Colonel meant. So after Col. W. left for town, 76 OLD ABE'S JOKES, he went to his wife and asked her what Col. W. meant by telling him to impound the ox. * Why, he meant to tell you to put him in a pen,' said she. Allen left to perform the feat, for it was no incons'ul Ar- able one, as the animal .was very wild and vic-kms, and after a great deal of trouble and vexation succeeded. Well,' said he, wiping the perspiration from his brow, and soliloquizing^ this is impounding, is it ? Now, 1 am dead sure that the Colonel will ask me if I impounded Big Brindle, and I'll bet I puzzle him as he did me.' The next day the Colonel gave a dinner party, and as he was not aristocratic, Mr. Allen, the overseer, sat down with the company. After the second or third glass was discussed, the Col. turned to the overseer and said : 'Eh, Mr. Allen, did you impound Big Brindle, sir ?' Allen straightened himself, and looking around at the company said : Yes, 1 did, sir, but old Brindle transcended the impan nel of the impound, and scatterlophisticated all over the equanimity of the forest.' The company burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, while the Colonel's face reddened with discomfiture. ' What do you mean by that, sir ?' said the Colonel. Why, I mean, Colonel,' said Allen, 'That old Brindle, being prognosticated with an idea of the cholera, ripped and tared, snorted and pawed dirt, jumped the fence, tuck to the woods, and would not be impounded -no how.' This was too much; the company roared again, in which the Colonel was forced to join, and in the midst of the laughter Allen left the table, saying to himself as he went, FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 77 '*! reckon the Colonel won't ask me to impound any more oxen.' Lincoln and the Lost Apple. On a late occasion when the White House was open to the public, a farmer from one of the border counties of Virginia, told the President that the Union soldiers, in passing his farm, had helped themselves not only to hay, but his horse, and he hoped the President would urge the proper officer to consider his claim immediately. 4 Why, my dear sir,' replied Mr. Lincoln, blandly, I couldn't think of such a thing. If I consider individual cases, I should find work enough for twenty Presidents.' Bowie urged his needs persistently; Mr. Lincoln de- clined good riaturedly. 4 But,' said the persevering sufferer, couldn't you just give me a line to Col. r about it? just one line!' 4 Ha, ha, ha !' responded the amiable Old Abe, shaking himself fervently, and crossing his legs the other way, * that reminds me of old Jack Chase, out in Illinois/ At this the crowd huddled forward to' listen : * You've seen Jack I know him like a brother used to be lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a rrick twenty-five years ago, to take the logs over the ra- i> : (ls, but he was skillful with a raft and always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a steamer was put on, and Jack he's dead now, poor fellow ! was made cap- - tain of her. He always used to take the wheel, going through the rapids. One day when the boat wtrs plung- 78 OLD ABE'S JOKES, ing and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost vigilance was being exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him with : 'Say, Mister Captain ! I wish you would just stop four boat a minute I've lost my apple overboard !' o V- Enlisting Negroes in the Union Army. A slaveholder from the country approached an old ac- quaintance, also a slaveholder, residing in Nashville, the other .day, and said : I have several negro men lurking about her-e some- where. I wish you would look out for them, and when you find them do with them as if they were your own.' Certainly I will,' replied his friend. A few days ago the parties met again, and the planter asked : 4 Have you found my slaves I have.' * And where are they ?' Well, you told me to do with them just as if they were my own, and, as I made my men enliit in the Union army I did the same with yours.' The astonished planter absquatulated. " Old Abe" on Temperance. The Twenty-first anniversary of the Sons of Temper- ance' was appropriately celebrated in Washington. The Sons' on reaching the White House, were invited to FRESH FROML ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 79 enter the East room, which was nearly filled by the ladies and gentlemen participating in the ceremonies. President Lincoln, on entering, was enthusiastically applauded, and, in the course of his response to the address presented to him, said that when he was a young man, long ago, before the Sons of Temperance,* as an organization, had an exist- ence, he in an humble way made Temperance speeches, 4tnd he thought he might say to this day he had never by his example belied what he then said. As to the sugges- tions for the purpose of the abandonment of the cause of temperance, he could not now respond to them. To pre- vent intemperance in the army is even a great part of the rules and articles of war. It is a part of the law *f the land, and was so he presumed long ago, to dismiss officers for drunkenness. He was not sure that, consistently with the public service, more can be done than has been done. All, therefore, that he could promise, was to have a copy of the address submitted to the principal departments, and have it considered whether it contains any suggestions which will improve the cause of temperance, and repress drunkenness in the army any better than it is already done. He thought the reasonable men of the world had long since agreed that intemperance was one of the great- est, if not the very greatest, of all the evils among man- kind. That was not a matter of dispute. All men agreed that intemperance was a great curse, but differed about the cure. The suggestion that it existed to a great extent was true, whether it was a cause of defeat he knew not ; but he did know that there was a good deal of it on the other side. Therefore they had no right to beat us on that ground. (Laughter.) The remarks of the President 80 oT,l. ABE'S JOKES, were listened to with gicat interest and repeatedly inter- rupted by applause. How Bean Hackett was made a Zouave. I was put through a rigid course of examination before I could be made a Zouave, and I say it with feelings 01 gratification and self-esteem that I was remarkably well posted in the catechism. My father was a hero of the re- volution, having been caught once in a water-wheel, and whirled around rapidly a number of times. Others of the family have also distinguished themselves as military men at different periods, but their deeds of courage are too well-known to need repetition. The following is a copy verbatim et literatim et wordern of most of the questions propounded to me and the answers thereto, which my intimate acquaintance with the Army Regulations and the Report of the Committee on the Con- duct of the War enable me to answer readily and accu- rately. My interrogator was 'a little man in Federal blue, with gold leaves on his shoulders. They called him Major, but he looked young enough to be a minor. He led off with < How old are you, and what are your qualifications ?' * Twenty- two, and a strong stomach. 5 Then I requested him to fire his interrogations singly, *hich he did. * What is the first duty to be learned by a soldier ?' * How to draw his rations. 3 What is the most difficult feat for a soldier to perform V * Drawing- his bottnty*' FRESH FROM ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 81 < If you were in the rear rank of a company during an action, and the man in the front rank before you should be wounded and disabled, what would you do ?' * I would despatch myself to the rear for a surgeon im- mediately. Some men would step forward and take the wounded man's place, but that is unnatural.' If you were commanding skirmishers, and saw cavalry advancing in the front and infantry in the rear, which would you meet ?' Neither ; I would mass myself for a bold movement and shove out sideways.' 4 If you were captured, what line of conduct would you pursue ? 6 I would treat my captors with the utmost civility.' ' WJiat are the duties of Home Guards ?' * Their duty is to see that they have no duties.' * What will you take ?' * Bourbon, straight !" Uncle Abe and the Judge. * In the conversation which occurred before dinner, I was amused to observe the manner in which Mr. Lincoln used the anecdotes for which he is so famous. Where men bred in courts, accustomed to the world, or versed in di* plomacy, would use some subterfuge/ or would make a pO^ lite speech or give a shrug of the shoulders as the ingatig of getting out of ah Embarrassing position; Mr'; Lincoln raises a latigh by &o&s.bold ^set- coimtrf anScSot^ , and offte tha doild of psarrtaftit produced fcf ih';tek$' 82 OLD ABE'S JOKES, against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, 6 Come, now, Bates, he's not half as bad as you think. ^Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long- ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his wagon. 'Hallo, Lincoln ! are you not going to the court- house. Come in and I will give you a seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently the wagon struck a stump on one side of the road ; then it hopped off to the other. I looked ou-t, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat : so says .1, Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morningv' * Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, ' I should not much wonder if you are right, for he has nearly upset me half-a-dozen times since starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, ' Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravi- ty, the coachman said, By gorra ! that's the first rightful decision that yoii have given for the last twelve month.' While the company were laughing, the President beat a quiet retreat from the neighborhood of the Attorney- General. liberal and patriotic citizen who has been drafted has purchased a gun whkh he save is very suro to go off man's 83 Mince Pies vs. Tracts. The President says his political friends often remind him of the following story : A rebel lady visited the hospital at Nashville one morn- ing with a negro servant, who carried a large basket on his arm, covered with a white linen cloth. She approach- ed a German and accosted him thus : ' Are you a good Union man T I ish dat,' was the laconic reply of the German, at the same time casting a hopeful glance at the aforesaid basket. That is all I wanted to know,' replied the lady, and beckoning to the negro to follow, she passed to the opposite side of the room, where a rebel soldier lay, and asked him the same question, to which he very promptly replied : 'Not by d d sight.' The lady thereupon uncovered the basket and laid out a bottle of wine, mince pies, pound cake and other delicacies, which were greedily devoured in the presence of the Union soldiers who felt somewhat indig- nant. On the following morning, however, another lady made her appearance with a large covered basket, and she also accosted our German friend, and desired to know if he was a Union man. 4 1 ish, by Got- ; I no care what you got ; I bese Union/ The lady set the basket on the table, and our German friend thought the truth availed in this case, if it did fail in the other. But imagine the length of the poor fellow's face when the lady uncovered the basket and presented 84 OLD ABE'S JOKES, him with about a bushel of ti acts. He shook his head dolefully aud said : I no read English, und, peside dat rebel on 'se oder side of 'se house need tern so more as me.' The lady distributed them and left. Not long afterwards along came another richly dressed lady, who propounded the same question to the German. He stood gazing at the basket apparently at a loss for a reply. At length he answered her in Yankee style, as follows : ' By Got, you no got me dis time ; vot you got mit the basket ?' The lady required an unequivocal reply to her question, and was about to move on when our German friend shouted out: * If you got tracts, I bese Union ; but if you got -mince pie mit pound cake unt vine, I be sesech like de tibol.' Soldiers have little deire to read tracts when they are famished for the want of those little, delicacies so conducive to the recovery of hospital patients. When our ladies visit hospitals with tracts, we should suggest the importance of accompanying them with a basket of provisions ; they will be better appreciated. The Niggers and the Small Pox. I dropped in upon Mr. Lincoln and found him busily counting greenbacks. "This, sir,' said he, 'is soinet! in r ; out of my usual line ; but a President of the United States has a multiplicity of d-iiies not specified in the Constitu- FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BO8OM. 85 tion or acts of Congress. This is one of them. -Thii money belongs to a poor negro who is a porter in one of the Departments (the Treasury), and who is at present very bad with the small pox. He did not catch it- from me, however ; at least 1 think not. He is now in hospital, and could not draw Ids pay because he could not sign hii name. 1 have been at considerable trouble to overcome the difficulty and get it for him. and have at length succeeded in cutting red tape, as you newspaper men say. I am now dividing the money and putting by a portion labeled, in an envelope, with my own hands, according to his wish ;' and his Excellency proceeded to endorse the package very carefully. No one who witnessed the transaction could fail to appreciate the goodness of heart which would prompt a man who is borne down by the weight of cares unparalleled in the world's history, to turn aside for a time from them to succor one of the humblest of his fellow creatures in sickness and sorrow. Why Lincoln didn't tfop the War. The Boldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, 'of which the following is a sample : * Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to discuss terms of peace. They met accordingly, and after a talk concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the fighting. The North took the 86 OLD ABE'S JOKES, Northern States, and the South the Gulf and seaboard Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parceled off excepting Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it Jeff, wouldn't have it, neither would consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going on ever since.' Lincoln's Estimate of the " Honors." As a further elucidation of Mr. Lincoln's estimate ol Presidential honors, a story is told of how a supplicant for office, of more than ordinary pretentious, called upon him, and, presuming on the activity he had shown in be- half of the Republican ticket, asserted as a reason why the office should be given to him, that he had made Mr. Lincoln President. "-You made me President, did you ?' said Mr. Lincoln, with a twinkle of his eye. ' I think I did,' said the appli- cant. * Then a pretty mess you've got me into, that's all,' replied the President, and closed the discussion. o- Pring up de Shackasses, for Cot sake ! President Lincoln often laughed over the following inci- dent : One of General Fremont's batteries of eight Parrot guns, supported by a squadron of horse commanded by Major Richards, was in a sharp conflict with a battery of the enemy near at hand, and shells' and shot were flying- thick and fast, when the commander of the battery, a FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 87 German, one of Fremont's staff, rode suddenly up to, the cavalry, exclaiming, in loud and excited terms, 6 Pririg up de shackasses, pring up de shaekasses, for Cot sake, hurry up de shaekasses im-me-di-ate-ly.' The necessity of this order, though not quite apparent, will be more obvious when it is remembered that the ' shaekasses ' are mules, carrying mountain howitzers, which are tired from the backs of that much-abused but valuable animal ; and the immediate occasion for the 4 shaekasses ' was that two regi- ments of rebel infantry were at that moment discovered descending a hill immediately behind our batteries. The * shaekasses," with the howitzers loaded with grape and canister, were soon on the ground. The mules squared themselves, as they well knew how, for the shock. A ter- ritic volley was poured into the advancing column, which immediately broke and retreated. Two hundred and seventy-eight dead bodies were found in the ravine next day, piled closely together as they fell, the eilects of that volley from the backs of the ' shaekasses. 3 ' Abe's Long Legs. When tie President landed at Aquia Creek, going to see Burnside, there were boards in the -way on the wharf, which the men hastened to remove, but the President re- marked, in his usual style, * Never mind, boys; my legs are pretty long, havti brought me thus far through lito I think thcf wiU bute me o-veir this difficult/*' M The President and ' Banks." Loquitur an eminent Pennsylvania Congressman : Sir, Banks is a failure, isn't he ?' 4 Well, that is harsh,' responds the President ; ' but ho hasn't come up to my expectations.' Then, sir, .why don't you remove him ?' 1 Well, sir, one principal reason is, that it would hurt General Banks' feelings very much /' Old Abe's Noble Saying. ' President Lincoln says many homely things and many funny things. His speech at the late ceremony in honor of the dead at Gettysburg proves that he can also say no- ble and beautiful things. Is not the following extract worthy, in its touching simplicity, of being handed down to the aires among the great sayings of great men : ' The world will little note nor long remember what toe say here, but they can never forget what they did here. 1 o 11 Where the D 1 are the Buggies." 1 The citizens of a small city in Pennsylvania, being thrown into considerable excitement by reason of the re- port that the rebels under Lee were advancing upon them, held ft Sneeting for the purpd? of or.eanizing" themselves into a regiment During the organisation of the regi- of FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 89 towering head and shoulders above the crowd, exclaimed, in a stentorian voice : 'Are there not any cannons to de- fend the city ?' Voice from the crowd ' Yes, but they are not mounted.' Old Gent* Why ain't they mounted.' Voice from the truwd * Because we have no carriage!*.' Old Gent (Still louder and more excited) 'Then, where the devil are the buggies ?' " I Mean ' Honest Old Abe.' * A good story is told of an old Cleveland deacon, who just after Lincoln started on his journey for Washington, went to an evening prayer meeting, and being somewhat in a hurry, went down immediately on his knees, and made an earnest prayer in behalf of the President of the United States, asking that God would strengthen him and bless him in all his undertakings. Rising from his kness he left the church, apparently having an earnest call elsewhere. Presently he returned in a great hurry, and plumping again on his knees, thus addressed himself; * Oh, Lord, it may be as well for me to add as an explanation to my prayer just uttered, that by the President of the United States I mean honest old Abe Lincoln, and not that other chap who is yet sitting in the national neat, and for whom I don't care shucks. Amen.' Old Abe "C's"it. I consoled the President this morning by relating to him what an unfortunate letter C ' was in the Presiden- tial Chase. A joke do you take ? I related the fate of Crawford, Calhoun, Clay and Cass. The Presidential eye brightened up. I saw hope displayed in every lineament of bis countenance. He replied, I see it.' How quiet he is at repartee. How pointed, too. I think the Presi- dential heart has beat easier since the administry of. my last solace/ Lincoln's Ideas about Slavery. The story will be remembered, perhaps, of Mr. Lincoln's reply to a Springfield (111.) clergyman, who asked him what was to be his policy on the slavery question. * Well, your question is rather a cool one, but I will answer it by telling you a story. You know Father B., the old Methodist preacher? and you know Fox river and its freshets? Well, once in the presence of Father B., a young Methodist was worrying about Fox river, .and ex- pressing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling some of his appointments by a freshet in the river. Fath- er B. checked him in his gravest manner. Said he: 1 Young man, I have always made it a rule in my life not to cross Fox river till I get to it !' 'And,' said the Presi- dent, I am not going to worry myself over the slavery question till I get to it.' A few days afterwards a Methodist minister called on the President, and on being FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 91 )resented to him, said simply : Mr. President, I have come to tell you that I think we have got to Fox river ! J Mr. Lincoln thanked the clergyman and laughed heartily. Abe and the Distance to the Capitol. . It is stated that he was much disgusted at the crowd of officers who sometime ago used to loiter about the Wash- ington hotels, and he is reported to have remarked to a member of Congress : These fellows and the Congressmen do vex me sorely.' Another member of Congress was con- versing with the President, and was somewhat anHoyed by the President's propensity to divert attention from the se- rious subject he had on his mind by ludicrous allusions. 4 Mr. Lincoln,' said he, 'I think you would have your joke if you were within a mile of hell.' ' Yes, sir, that is about the distance to the Capitol.' Abe thinks T. R. Strong, but Coffee are stronger. It is told by an intelligent contraband, who is probably reliable, that Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania avenue the other day, relating 6 a little story" to Secretary Seward, when the latter called his attention to a new sign tearing the name of < T. H. Strong.' 4 Ha !' says old Abe his countenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, < T, R. Strong, but coffee are stronger.' Se.wartl smiled, but made IHJ reply* 92 OLD ABE'S JOKES, Putting Salt on the Monitor's Tail. War is a pretty serious business ; but they are not al- ways gloomy at the War Department. When the foolish rumor was current in Washington that the 'Mow tor had been captured, the President walked over to the War De- partment and asked whether the^ report ws true. 4 Certainly,' replied an officer with due gravity. 'How did the rebels succeed in capturing her?' asLed the President By putting salt on her tail,' waa the reply. The President's only answer was, I owe you one/ Old Abe Never Heard of it Before. Some moral philosoper was telliag the President one day about the undercurrent of public opkiion. He went on to explain at length, and drew an illustration from the Medi- terranean Sea. The current seemed very curiously to flow in both from the Black Sea and the Atlantic Ocean, but a shrewd Yankee, by means of a contrivance of floats, had discovered that at the outlet into the Atlantic only about thirty feet of the surface water flowed inward, while there was a tremenduous current under that flowing out. * Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, much bored, 'that don't remind me of any story I ever heard of.' The philosopher despaired of a serious impression by his argument, aud left* FBESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 93 Why Lincoln Appointed Fremont. General Fremont stood a very small chance of being assigned to a command. But fortunately for him, the Pres- ident one morning read in a Washington paper the speech of Col. Blair, M. C., upon the late commander in Missouri. The President having attentively perused it, said to some one near him, * Oh, this will never do ; it's persecution.' }jo put the paper in his pocket, walked over to the War Hcpartment, and in less than half an hour Major- General Fremont was appointed to the command of the Mountain Department. Father Abraham's Good Clothe*. At the beginning of the war John Perry, then a resi- dent of Georgia, was compelled to take the oath of alle- giance to the Southern Confederacy and agreed not to bear arms against it. He removed to West Troy soon alter- wards and in September was drafted. Before the tkne of kis appearante at Albany he wrote to the Provost Marshal Generc.1, Colonel Fry, stating the dilemma, and asking whether he could not be released from his obligatiom to serve Uncle Sam. The reply of CoL Fry has just been re- ceived* He states that he fully appreciates Mr. Perry's position) and has no idea of making him violate his oath* MQ kindly consents, therefore* that the eomicript Perry 94 OLD ABE'S JOKES, shall be sent to the Northwest to fight Indians ; but he can't for a moment think of absolving him from wearing 'Father Abraham's good clothes.' The President says that Jeff is on his Last Legs. Because we gave him the grant (Grant) of Vicksburg and he couldn't hold it ; we gave him the banks (Banks) of Port Hudson and they destroyed his best gardner (Gardner) and all he raised during the last two years ; we gave him mead (Meade) at Gettysburg and he couldn't swallow it; we have his best wagoner (Wagner) fast at Charleston; compelled him to haul in his brag (Bragg) and get in the lee (Lee) of his rebel army. Old Abe on the Congressmen. As the President and a friend were sitting on the House of Representatives steps, the session closed, and the mem- bers tiled out in a body. Abraham looked after them with a sardonic smile. ' That reminds me,' said he, of a little incident. When I was quite a boy, my flat-boat lay up at Alton, on the Mississippi, for a day, and I strolled about the town. I saw a large stone building, with massive walls, not so handsome, though, as this; and while I was looking at it, the iron gateway opened, and a great body of men came out. * What do you call that ?' 1 asked a by-stander. That,' said he,, 'is the State Prison, and those are all thieves, going home, Their time is up.' FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 95 General Viele and a Female Rebel. General Egbert L. Viele, Governor of Norfolk, was visited one day by a lady. He noticed that she wore the confederate colors prominently in the shape of a brooch, and mildly suggested that it would, perhaps, have been in better taste to come to his office without such a decoration. ' I have a right, sir, to consult my own wishes as to what I shall wear.' ' Then, madam,' replied the General, 'permit me to claim an equal right in choosing with whom I shall converse.' And the dignified lady had to withdraw from his presence. Lincoln on Vice and Virtue. Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drink- ing nor smoking. 6 That is a doubtful compliment,' an- swered the President ; 4 I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a segar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out, It's my ex- periencd that folks who have no vices have plagued few virtues.' Potomac ! Bottomic ! ! Buttermilk An amusing story is told by Old Abe of the ( Iowa First,' about the changes which a certain password under- went about the time of the battle of Springfield. One of 96 OLD ABE'S JOKES, the Dubuque officers, 'whose duty it was to furnish the guards with a password for the night, gave the word * Potomac ' A German on guard, not understanding dis- tinctly the difference between B's and P's, understood it to.be ' Bottomic,' and this, on being transferred to ano- ther, was corrupted to 'Buttermilk.' Soon afterward, the officer who had given the word wished to return through the lines, and on approaching a sentinel was ordered to halt and the word demanded. He gave ' Potomac.' 4 Nicht right you don't pass mit me dis way.' But this is the word, and I will pass.' * No^ you stan ;' at the same time placing a bayonet at his breast in a manner that told the officer that * Potomac ' didn't pass in Missouri. What is the word, then V < Buttermilk.' * Well, then, Buttermilk.' * Dat is right; now you pass mit yourself all about your piziness.' There was then a general overhaul- ing of the password ; and the difference between Potomac and Buttermilk being understood, the joke became one of the laughable incidents of the campaign. Old Abe's Liquor for his Generals. A. * committee,' just previous to the fall of Vicksburg, solicitous lor the morale of our armies, took it upon them- selves to visit the President and urge the removal of Gen. Grant ' What for said Mr. Lincoln. < Why,' replied the busy bodies, ' he drinks too much whisky.' 4 Ah !' re- joined Mr. Lincoln, ' can you inform me, gentlemen, where General Grant procures his whisky T The ' committee ' PR6M ABRAMAM'S BOSOM. 9t confessed they could not. 'Because,' added Old Abe, with a merry twinkle in his eyes, ' If I can find out, I'll send every General in the field a "barrel of it !' The delegation retired in reasonably good order. Who voted for Abe, or how the Rebels treat a Quaker and a " Butternut." The following incident occurred at Salem, Ind., during the raid of John Morgan. Some of his men proceeded out west of the town to burn the bridges and water- tank on the railroad. On the way out they captured a couple of persons living in the country, one of whom was a Quaker. The Quaker strongly objected to being made a prisoner. Secesh wanted to know if he was not strongly opposed to the South. *Thee is right,' said the Quaker, I am.' 4 Well, did you vote for Lincoln?' * Thee is right ; I did vote for Abraham.* * Well, what are you ?' * Thee may naturally suppose that I am a Union man. Cannot thee let me go to my home ?' 4 Yes, yes ; go and take care of the old woman,' said ^ooesh. The other prisoner was taken along with them, but not relishing the summary manner in which the Quaker was disposed of, said, * What do you let him go for? He is a li lack abolitionist. Now, look here, I voted for Breckin- rulge, and have always been opposed to this war. I ain opposed to fighting the South, decidedly.' 98 OLD ABE'S JOKES, e You are,' said Secesli ; ' you are what they call around here, a Copperhead ; ain't you ?' 'Yes, yes,' said the Butternut, insinuatingly; 'that's what all my neighbors call me, and they know I ain't with them.' ' Conie here, Dave!' halloed Secesh. 'There's a But- ternut. Just come and look at him. Look here, old man, where do you live ? We want that horse you have got to spare, and if you have got any greenbacks, just shell 'em out,' and they fook all he had.' The President on Chase's Valentine. Secretary Chase, of the Treasury Department, found upon a desk in his office what at first appeared to be a picture of an ' infernal machine,' looking very much like a goose, but which on closer examination proved to be a drawing of an ingonious invention for turning gold eagles into 'greenbacks,' with the Secretary himself operating it, and slowly feeding it with ' yaller boys' at one end, while the government currency came out at the other end, flying about like the leaves of autumn. While he was ex- amining it, the President came in, as he daily does, for consultation. Mr. Chase handed him the drawing, and as the roguish eye of our Chief Magistrate recognised the likeness of the Secretary, he exclaimed ' Capital joke, isn't it, Mr. Chase?' ' A joke,' said the irate financier, ' I'd give a thousand dollars to know who left it here.' FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 99 6 Oh, no,' responded Mr. Lincoln, ' you would hardly do that.' . ' Yes 1 would,' asserted the Secretary. * Would you, though,' inquired the President, with that deliberate manner that characterizes him when he is really in earnest ' well, which end would you pay from T The answer is not ' recorded/ Old Abe and the " Brigadiers." The President has been perpetrating one of his pungent sayings about that luckless wight, Brigadier- General Stoughton, who was so unceremoniously picked up by guer- illas. ' Pretty serious business, this, Mr. President,' said a visitor, to have a Brigadier-General captured at Fair- fax Court House !' * Oh, tMat doesn't trouble me, was the response, ' I can make a better Brigadier any time in five minutes ; but it did worry me to have all those horses taken. Why, sir, these horses cost us a hundred and twenty-five dollars a. head !' Mr. Lincoln and the " Mediums." 6 There is a secret, known only to a few, in reference to the manner in which our armies are commanded,' says a New York writer. ' Mr. Lincoln has mediums in constant communication with the spirit world. Each military her* has a special medium. Not a battle has been fought, ex- cept under tho direct command, not of McClellar Scott* 100 OLD ABE'S JOKES, McDowell, Pope,^ urnside, Hooker, and modern general*, but they have acted merely as lieutenants for the master war-spirits of the other world ! All the generals in the other world were consulted by the spirits previous to Hooker's defeat, and the old adage proved true that 4 too many cooks spoil the broth.' Napoleon and Wellington, and Generals Washington and Jackson, were not at the council : Napoleon, because he did not understand Lincoln's English communications, and the Duke of Wellington, be- cause of his contempt for them, or that anybody in supreme power should ask military advice. Generals Washington and Jackson would not give advice, because, though they were extremely annoyed at the dissolution of the Union, yet, as such a miserable fact had occurred, their friendly feelings were enlisted witli their descendants on the side of the South. That Mr. Lincoln is guided altogether by spiritual advisers is now well kno\vn.' Old Abe's Generosity. While President Lincoln was confined to his house with the varioloid, some friends called to sympathise with him especially on the character of his disease. * Yes,' he said, * it is a bad disease, but it has its advantages. For the first time since I have been in office, I have something now to give to every purbuo that FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. Uncle Abe and the Pass to Richmond. A gentleman called upon the President, and solicited a pass for Richmond. ' Well/ said the President, ' I would be very happy to oblige, if my passes were respected ; but the fact is, sir, I- have, within the past two years, given passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to -Richmond, and not one has got there yet.' The applicant quietly and respectfully withdrew on his tip-toes. How Old Abe had never Read it. The Loyal League Convention, which was in secret ses- sion in Washington, brought a strong pressure to bear on the President for the removal of some obnoxious members of the cabinet on account of their supposed conservative views, and also for the appointment of a radical com- mander in Missouri, in place of Gen. Scofield. At an in- terview, a committee of the Leaguers indignantly asked the President whether he endorsed Mr. Blair's Rockville speech ; to which he replied, that he had never read it.' The feelings of the excited radicals may be more easily imagined than described at this Lmcolnian stroke, and they retired from the White House with no dim percep- tion of the meaning 6i' * Abe 8 latest and best joke/ 102 LD ABE'S JOKES, ; Mr. Lincoln and the Counterfeit Bill. ' Some one was discussing the character of a copperhead clergyman, in the presence of Mr. Lincoln, a time-serving Washington clergyman. Says Mr. Lincoln to his visitor, * I think you are rather hard upon Mr. Blank. He re- minds me of a man in Illinois who was tried for passing a counterfeit bill. It was in evidence that before passing it he had taken it to the cashier of a bank and asked his opinion of the bill, and he received a very prompt reply that the bill was a counterfeit. His lawyer who had heard of the evidence to be brought against his client, asked him just before going into court, Did you take the bill to the cashier of the bank and ask him if it was good T I did,' was the reply. Well what was the re- ply of the cashier ?' The rascal was in a corner, but he got out of it in this fashion : He said it was a pretty, tolerable, respectable sort of a bill.' Mr. Lincoln thought the clergyman was * a pretty, tolerable, respectable sort of a clergyman.' We have a good many of that class in Washington, I fear, though, if anybody is going to make me prove this I'll back down at once, for in these times it is hard work to prove anything. If your neighbor is en- gaged in blockade running, you can't prove him a rebel ; and if he should chance to be a noisy war politician, you can't prove that he has sympathies even against the gov- ernment/ FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. A Whole Nager. At a negro celebration, an Irishman stood listening tc Fred. Douglass, who was expatiating, upon Government and freedom, and as the orator came to a period from the highest political heights, the Irishman said : ' Bedad, he spakes well for a nager.' ' Don't you know,' said one, 'that he isn't a negro ? he is only half negro.' 'Only a half nager, is he ? Well, if a half nager can talk in that style, I'm thinking a whole nager might beat the prophet Jeremiah.' o Old Abe and Hie Blasted Powder. c A western correspondent writes: ',,A visitor, congrat- ulating Mr. Lincoln on the prospects of his re-election, was answered by that indefatigable story-teller with an anecdote of an Illinois farmer, who undertook to blast his own rocks. His first effort at producing an explosion proved a failure, He explained the cause by exclaiming, 'Pshaw, this powder has been shot before!' 4 Hurrah for Abe Lincoln!' shouted a little patriot on Cedar street, the other day. 'Hurrah for the Devil?' rejoined an indignant Southern sympathiser. ' All right,' said the juvenile ; 4 you hurrah for your man, and I'll hurrah for mine.' 104 OLD ABK'S JoKKs, The President's Repartee, A distinguished foreigner, dining at the White House, wished to congratulate President Lincoln on -the self-pon- Hession of the hostess, arid her apparent indifference to the peculiar vexations of her new position. Having /an im- perfect knowledge of our language, he expressed his idea by saying: ' Your Excellency's lady makes it very indif- ferent !' Observing the twinkle of the President's eye, he endeavored to correct his language, and immediately said with emphasis : Your Excellency's lady has a very indif- ferent face !' " Salmon the Solemn," vs. Abraham the Jocular." The solemn versus the jocular are brought into curious juxtaposition by the present state of affairs. The com- mittee of ' the friends of Mr. Chase,' in their Ohio circular, call Mr. Lincoln ' our jocular President.' Against him they set up Mr. Chase, of whom a prominent Boston lawyer said some years ago, ' I don't like the Governor. He is too solemn altogether too solemn.' More than a year ago, Mr. Lincoln said that he had just discovered that the initials of Salmon P. Chase mean shinplaster currency. Perhaps he will now say that they mean shinplaster can- didate. An old Greek rhetorician advises to answer your adversary's sober arguments with ridicule, and his ridicule with sober FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 105 Old Abe " glad of it." A characteristic story of the President is narrated in a letter from Washington. When the telegram from Cum- berland Gap reached Mr. Lincoln that 'firing was heard in the directon of Knoxville,' he remarked that he was * jdad of it.' Some person present, who had the perils of Burnside's position uppermost in his mind, could not see why Mr. Lincoln should be glad of it, and so expressed himself. ' Why, you see,' responded the President, * it re- minds me of Mistress Sallie Ward, a neighbor of mine, who had a very large family. Occasionally one of her numerous progeny would be beard crying in some out-of- the-way place, upon which Mrs. Sallie would exclaim, ' There's one of my children that isn't dead yet.' Old Abe's " Affair of Honor.'* Abraham Lincoln, at nineteen years of age, was six feet four in height, arid so far exhibited the attributes of a ruler that he towered like Saul above his fellows. He was once, and once only, engaged in what is falsely termed * an affair of honor.' A young lady of Springfield wrote a paragraph in a burlesque vein in a local newspaper^ in which G ii< ial Shields was good^huniouredly ridiculed for Itto connexion with Some public incusure, The General H-ag greatly iucenggd* and demanded of ihd Editor thg fcaias ef the offeadiflj! party* Th editor put hltn otf with 106 OLD ABE'S JOKES, r ,*" and shortly afterwards, meeting Lincoln, told him his per plexity. * Tell him I wrote it,' said Lincoln; and tell him he did. After a deal of diplomacy to get a retraction of the offensive parts of the paragraph in question, Shields sent a challenge, which Lincoln accepted, named broad- swords as the weapons, and an unfrequented, well-wooded island in the Mississippi as the place. Old Abe was first on the ground, and when Shields arrived he found his an- tagonist, his sword in one hand and a hatchet in. the other, with his coat off, clearing away the underbrush ! Before the preliminary arrangements were completed, a Mr. Har- din, who somehow got wind of what was afloat, appeared on the scene, called them both d d fools, and by his argu- ments addressed to their common sense, and by his ridicule of the figure that they, two well-grown, bearded men, were making there, dissuaded them from fighting. Mr. -Lincoln's Disease. President Lincoln has really had the s.mall-pox, but is able to have his joke regularly. When the committee of Congress waited on him to announce their readiness to receive the message) the President was found in his private office, clad in an old dressing-gown, and looking dilapidated generally* The chairman announced in a very formal manner the object 'of the visit. It seemed to please the President mightilyi arid putting his hands deep in his breeches povketsj and throwing a leg over au arm of 'hi* replied i * Waali if It is a *fees* of lift tted dtftft FRESH PROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 107 I can get it up to-day ; but if it isn't, I'd rather wait till to-morrow, for the fact is the boys haven't got through copying it yet.' It was not a matter of life and death, and the message was not sent in till Wednesday. Mus. Lincoln did not evidently think her husband was very sick, for she went to New York last week to do s a little shopping.' While there she lost her purse, containing a large sum of money, in the street. It was found arid returned t6 her by a young patent claim agent of this city, and Mrs. Lincoln was very profuse in her thanks and offers of assistance. The freedom of the White House was tendered to the young man, who, if he isn't too bashful, may consider his fortune made. " The President was Reminded." A gentleman was telling at the White House how a friend of his had been driven away from New Orleans as a Unionist, and how, on his expulsion, when he asked to see the writ by which he was expelled, the deputation which called on him told him that the goyernment had made up their minds to do nothing illegal, and so they had issued no illegal writs, and simply mean^ to make him go of his own fiee will. 'Well,' said Mr. Lincoln, < that reminds me of a hotel-keeper down at St. Louis, who boasted that he never had a death in his hotel, for whenever a guest was dying in his house he carried him out to die in tke street.' 108 OLD ABE'i JOKEfc, President Lincoln on Grant's New Sword. Just before Grant's arrival, Representative Washburne took to the White House a handsome sword, prasented to .General Grant by some admirers in Illinois, to show the 'President and Mrs. Lincoln. ' Yes,' said the President, * it is very pretty. It will do for a Commander-in-Chief.' Old Abe then turned to a general officer then present and asked him if he had had any sword presentation lately. The reply was 'I have not.' 'Humph,' said Abe, 'that's a joke then that you haven't seen the point of yet.' Abraham's Going to Pot. A deputation of gentlemen from New York waited upon Old Abe with the determination to impress his mind with the great injustice done their department of trade by the Committee on Taxation. 4 Gentlemen,' said the President, ' why do you come to me? The committee will hear you and do you justice. I cannot interfere.' ' But,' urged the spokesman, ' if they are going to tax all the commodities of life, ' ' My friends,' responded the rail-splitter, 'if tlioy tax all the necessaries, I'm afraid we must all go to pot.' FEE8H FliOM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 109 Old Abe's " Mistakes/' * Old Abe being questioned one day in regard to some of his reputed * mistakes' replied, c That reminds me of a minister and a lawyer who were riding together; says the minister to the lawyer 4 Sir, do you ever make mistakes in pleading ?' 4 1 do,' says the lawyer. 4 And what do you do with mistakes ?' inquired tire min- ister. 4 Why, sir, if large ones, I mend them ; if small ones, I let them go,' said the lawyer. ' And pray, sir,' continu,- ed he, 4 do you ever make mistakes in preaching?' 4 Yes, sir, I have.' 4 And what do you do with mistakes ?' said the lawyer. 4 Why, sir, I dispose of them in the same manner that you do. Not long sinee,' continued he, 4 as I was preach- ing, I meant to observe that the devil was the father of hars, but made a mistake, and said the father of lawyers. The mistake was so small that I let it go.' Speaking of the Time. ' When Mrs. Vallandigham left Dayton to join her husband, just before the election, she told her friends that she expected never to return until she did so us the wife of the Governor of Ohio. 110 OLD ABE'S JOKFJS, Mr. Lincoln is said to have got off the following : That reminds me of a pleasant little affair that occurred out in Illinois.' A gentleman was nominated for Supervisor. On leav- ing home on the morning of election, he said 4 Wile, to-night you shall sleep with the Supervisor of this town.' The election passed, and the confident gentleman was defeated. The wife heard the news before her defeated spouse returned home. She immediately dressed for going- out, and waited her husband's return, when she met him at the door. ' Wife, where are you going at this time of night ?' he exclaimed. ' Going ?' she replied, why, you told me this morning that I should to-night sleep with the Supervisor of this town, and as Mr. L. is elected instead of yourself, I was going to his house.' She didn't go out, and he acknowledged he was sold, but pleasantly redeemed himself with a new Brussels carpet. Old Abe's Uncle. My deceased uncle,' says Old Abe, was the most polite gentleman in the world. He was making a trip, on the Missiseippi when the boat sank. Me got his head above the water for once, took off his hat, and said, < Ladies and gentlemen, will you please excuse me ?' and down -he went.' FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. Ill Old Abe seeing the difficulty. A very amuseing scene was witnessed at the grand military dinner given at the Executive Mansion in honor of Lieutenant General Grant soon after his arrival here. After the guests had assembled and a brilliant array of well known military men appeared, in accordance with the President's invitation, to assist in the ceremonies of the evening, it was found, to the surprise of everybody that General Grant was not there. He had suddenly taken wings for the West. Everybody looked disappoint- ed. Among- the major generals present were Hal leek, Meade, Wool, McCook, Crittenden, Sickles, Hunter, Burn- side, Blair, Doubleday, Ogilsby,. Wallace and others. When it was announced that Grant was not coming the generals looked at the President arid the President at the generals. Presently Mr. Lincoln said : ' Gentlemen, this is the play of Hamlet with Hamlet left out. We ex- pected Grant here, but he couldn't stay.' The company had assembled, however, the curtain was raised, and the play must go on. But who would play the part of Ham- let ? In plainer language, a lieutenant general was ex- pected, but he'would not be present. Old Abe, seeing the difficulty, said that if it was necessary to have a Hamlet he would call upon Major General llajleck. at short notice, as the managers say, to fill that part. Hal- leek, who wore three stars on each shoulder, put on a most complacent appearance and 4 kindly consented' to tha role of the principal character &ud eo thf the hotel, quietly puffing his cigar and reading the New York * Herald,' when he was approached by a rough, burly, middle-aged man, and the following dialogue is said to have occurred between them : ILLINOIS FARMER. Sir, to make free,I understand you FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 133 area member of Congress from the great State of Mis- souri.' MR. R. You are correctly informed, sir, I represent the Congressional District, in that State.' I. P. C I am from Illinois, sir; am in Washington city, on no particular business just looking round a little, to see how 'the cat jumps.' MR. R. < I am glad to know you, sir ; Illinois and Mis- souri ought to be good friends, and I^shall be most happy to serve you in any way that I can.' I. F. < Well, sir, I don't want anything except to see this d d infernal rebellion put down, it's nearly ruin- ed us out West ; I have already lost one son, and I would not be surprised if I lost them all before the war is over, for they are all in it, several of them with that brave fel- low, John Logan.' MR. R. Sir, you have my earnest sympathies, both in your desire to see the rebellion crushed, and in the severe loss you have met with in the death of your son. I hope the Government will finally triumph in this wicked war, which has been forced upon it.' I. F. * Arc you much acquainted in Illinois ? Do you know Mr, Browning ? and if so what do you think of him?' MR. R. I know Mr. Browning very well, sir. I think very highly of him. He is a good man, sir, and o$M3 of the first statesmen of the country.' I. F. Well, sir, are you acquainted with ' old Dick 1 he's been my representative in Congress far a long while. MR. R. * You allude, I suppose, to Col. Dick Richard- fioo, of Quincy ?' 134 OLD ABE'S JUKES, I. F. ' He's the b'hoy, sir ; what do you think of him ?' MR. R. * Col, R. is a patriotic and good man, a little too much steeped in Democracy.' I. F. Never mind his Democracy, that will never hurt him half so much as the mean whiskey he drinks; I tell you, Dick's a glorious fellow ; I like to hear him after that miraculous genius, Trumbull, who, I 'spose, wears as small a gizzard as any man that ever entered the Senate. After all though, my friend fcjtephen A, was the man, he could take the starch out of any of them, 5 and if he had lived, sir, I believe this infernal rebellion would have been over.' Mu. R. ' Very likely, sir, ; Mr. Douglass was a noble man ; lie would have exerted a vast influence, if he had lived, over the fate of our unhappy country.' I. P. < Well, sir, do you know < Old Abe?' ME. R. 1 have that honor.' I. F. * Well, I don't consider there is much honor about it, but I'd just like to know what you think of him.' MR, R. * Well, sir, I am inclined to think well of the President : I believe lie loves his country, sir. He is sur- rounded by great difficulties, and is doing the best he can to surmount them. . He is frequently persuaded to do things which I think his better judgment does not approve, I believe he is honest, sir.' I. F. 'Well, my friend, I see that Abe 'has rather taken you in. I know him a devilish sight better than most men. I have known him 'like a book' for thirty- five years. . I knew him when he w&s a rail-splitter, and 1 tell you he never did an honest day's work at the bu~U FttKSM FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 135 ness in his life. If he had 100 rails to hew he always got them from somebody else's pile ! 1 knew him when he was a grocery keeper, and he always kept bad whiskey, cut a fellow's dram short, and charged two prices. With some folks Lincoln had the reputation of being very honest and not very smart ; but I tell you, sir, he's d d smart and none too honest ? (somewhat excited and the crowd gathering around). I tell you, sir, I know '-Abe' like a book, sir, and by the eternal, what 1 say is true?' MR. R. (Somewhat confused) " Sir, I was just about taking a mint julep ; will you have the kindness to join me?' I. F. If you are tired of talking, with all my heart, sir. Missouri and Illinois must stand together, sir. I tell you, by the shades of Old Hickory and Benton, they must work and fight for the old Union, Missouri and Illi- nois are the greatest States in the Union, sir. If they'll starid together, breast to breast, they can knock h 11 out of South Carolina and the whole South, and then, if need be, turn round and shovel New England into the ocean? Exeunt to the bar room. Mrs. Old Abe. (From the New York Mercury.) Mrs. Lincoln is a short, stout, cheery, motherly little woman, of about forty years of age, more or less. Our artist has given us an excellent portrait of her pleasant but by no means handsome face, from a photograph taken 136 OLD ABK'S JOKKS, by one of our best operators. Mrs. Lincoln was born in Kentucky. She might have been a native of Bourbon County, for her maiden name was Todd ; but that portion of the State was not thus honored. At a comir^-itiveiy ff^ early age, after receiving a moderate educati >he left her 'old Kentucky home' and removed to II: ?s, when 1 she married Mr. Lincoln, then a young lawyer of little practice, who made up for his low standing at the bar by standing over six feet high in his stockings. It appears that Mrs. Lincoln was quite a village-belle before her marriage, and had other suitors besides Honest Old Abe. One of them, a militia General, picked a quar- rel with Mr. Lincoln about a satirical poem, which Mrs. Lincoln had written and which Mr. Lincoln fathered. The exasperated General sent a challenge to Mr. Lincoln, which was at once accepted. Mr. Lincoln was allowed the choice of weapons, and chose cavalry-swords. When the General came to tight the duel, he was not a little astonished at some of the arrangements. Mr. Lincoln had selected a field across which ran a high rail-fence. The terms of the combat were, that he should take one side of the fence and the General the other ; that each should be at liberty to keep as far away from the fence as he pleased, but that neither should be permitted to climb over, crawl through, or creep under the fence, upon any pretext what- ever. The General indignantly declined to take part in snch a combat, and Mr. Lincoln was declared the winner of this novel tournament, and bore off hie bride in triumph. Mr. Lincoln has always been called a strict temperance- man ; but it cannot be denied that, when he marrivjj lie took a /Todd ibr tite- FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 137 As her husband rose in the world, Mrs. Lincoln rose with him. He turned politician, went to the State Legis- lature, gained some eminence in the Illinois courts, and was finally elected to Congress. This progress was so gradual, however, that Mrs. Lincoln troubled herself very little about it. She was busy enough keeping house and tending to the babies, which arrived in not inconsiderable numbers. At first the only perceptible changes in her for- tune were, that she hired 'help ' to assist her jn her house- work, which she had previously done herself, and fitted up her residence in a more comfortable and tasteful style. Then she began to go into society, and into better society than the village of Springfield could afford. Judges and members of Congress, and sometimes United States Senators dropped in to see Old Abe, who had already been marked by shrewd observers as the coming man or, as the West- erners expressed it, as a good log to make something out of.' At last the great re volution came. Mr. Lincoln was nominated for the Presidency. Springfield became the political Mecca. Mrs. Lincoln was courted and flattered. TFien Honest Old Abe was elected, and Mrs. Lincoln was the wife of the President of the United States. This eleva- tion must have seemed to her magical. Censorious people have said that it almost deprived her of her senses. No wonder. When President Lincoln made his grand tour through the country, on his way to Washington, Mrs. Lincoln accom- panied him, and was, like him, ' the observed of all ob- servers.' She kissed all the children at all the stations be- tween Springfield and Washington, and accepted bouquets enough to fill the White House* Politicians and place- 138 OLD ABE'S JOKES, seekers fluttered about her in the cars, during the trip, in order to profit by her influence over Mr. Lincoln. Some few of them succeeded, and owe their offices to her inter- cessions upon their behali'. Those who saw the Presiden- tial pair during this tour, describe them as an honest, sim- ple, good-hearted, affectionate, innocent country-people, bewildered by the novelty of their surroundings, and quite at the mercy of, the political sharpers who hovered around them like hawks. Upon the arrival of the special train at the Thirthieth-street depot in this city, the scene between Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln was quite touching. She took a brush and comb from her reticule, smoothed his hair, ar- ranged his cravat, brushed some of the dust from his coat, and then stood looking at him with evident admiration. 4 Am I all right now, mother? 3 asked the President. Mrs. Lincoln's reply was a hearty kiss. Some of the spectators of this little episode men who had not indulged in a bit of natural sentiment since childhood rushed from the car, unable to restrain their laughter. But others, appreciating not only the republican simplicity but also the conjugal tenderness of the scene, were quite otherwise affected by it. Mr. Lincoln, it will be remembered, ran away from the Presidential party at Harrisburg, and entered Washington at night, disguised in a Scotch cap and a long military cloak. Mrs. Lincoln passed through Baltimore the next day : and was neither assassinated, insulted, nor annoyed. The evening after her arrival in Washington, she gave a reception at WiMard's Hotel. The parlors were crowded with elegantly-dressed ladies and gentlemen, the belles an J beaux of the capital. By and by, President Lincoln enter- FRESH FROM ABRAHAM'S BOSOM. 139 ed, feeling and looking very awkward in his new suit of clothes, and leading Mrs. Lincoln by the hand. * Ladies and gentleman/ said he, after an embarrassing pause, * here you see the long and the' short of the Presidency '- indicating first himself and then his wife. The belles bo^- ed and buried thire i'aces in their handkerchiefs to conceal their smiles. The beaux dashed frantically out into the lobbies, aching with irrepressible mirth. This was Mrs. Lincoln's introduction to Washington society. A relative named Mrs. Grimsby, was sent for to teach the President's wife etiquette, and for a while no parties were given at the White House. Then came the famous ball, which so exer- cised the Radical Abolition and religious press. We have not space to dwell upon this topic ; nor upon the scandal about Mrs. Lincoln's rebel relatives ; nor upon the charges that Mrs. Lincoln revealed the military secrets of the Ad- ministration ; nor upon the insinuations that this General was promoted and that disgraced, this official appointed aad that removed, because of Mrs. Lincolns whims. These stories once thought of sufficient importance to be pub- lished in the daily papers and investigated by a Committee of Congress were long since exploded, and must be fa- miliar with all our readers, who will join with us in de- spising those who originated such base slanders. Mrs. Lincoln has traveled over the North quite exten- sively during the past four years, and is always attended by her little suite of officers and place-holders. Three years ago, she held her Republican Court at Long Branch during the summer. An amusing incident occurred at a ball given there in her honor. She did not dance, but tttood in front of an arm-chair on one side of the hall, like 140 OLD ABE'S JOKES, a queen before her throne. The rest of the company were dancing when supper was announced, and they hurried tumultuously out of the room, forgetting all about Mrs. Lincoln, and leaving her and her immediate attendants to take care of themselves. From .this incident two deduc- tions may be made : first, the company were exceedingly ill-bred ; and, second, that Mrs. Lincoln does not inspire people with a sense of her personal dignity and importance. Both deductions are correct. Mrs. Lincoln is just as \vo have described her a plain, good-natured, chatty, sociable amiable, agreeable, house-wifely, little woman, never de- signed to shine in the drawing-room, and ignorant of many of the conventionalities of fashionable life, but not the less admirable for all that. She likes line dresses and fine com- pany, and flattery, and homage, as what other ladies do not? If, as some of her feminine critics remark, her po- sition as wife of the President has quite turned her head, this can readily be pardoned, since it is enough to have turned many a wiser one. Before these feminines criticise MM. LUcoln too severely, they should consider how they would feel if they were in her place as they may be some tine day, if their husbands are fortunate enough. Queen Victoria, the best of queens, is a homely, dumpy, German woman, who would not look out of place in a lager-bier saloon, so far as mere personal appearance goes. And, on the other hand, there have been ladies in high position who were celebrated for beauty of face and figure, ele- gance of manners and perfection in all the fashionable arts, and whose conduct has yet disgraced themselves, their sex, and their rank. This can never be truly said of Mrs. Abraham Lincoln. CHEAP AND EXPEDITIOUS fl fc M c T. R. D AWLB Y, 13 and 15 Park Row, )pposite Oity Hall, NEW YORK. .ST1MATES FOR EVERY DESCRIPTION OF ROOK AMI JOB PRINTING IFTT :Fl 'M T j Dawiey's Camp & Fireside Library No. 3 NORM A D ANTON; OR, The Children of the Lighthouse A TALE OF NEW YORK CITY, BY PIKRPOi^T de THIS is a real picture of tlie different phases of city life ; and, if i has no other merit, it is a TRUE STORY, each and every character de picted throughout its pages were living, breathing beings. NORAIA, th< heroine, is a girl of wild and singular beauty. The boy WILL is a typ< of the brave and manly kind which wins the hearts of all. These children were at a tender age left orphans, to the guardianship of uj unscrupulous uncle a Wall Street Broker who, appropriating then immense wealth to his own use, placed the children in the care of t Lighthouse. Keeper on a distant coast, from whence, after years o) hardship, they escaped the boy to sea, and the girl back to the city where she was kidnapped by a rascally villain, and taken to a vile der in Greene Street. WORTLY, the tool of the rich man ; JAMISON, the simple-minded police- man ; ETHEL D ANTON, the profligate ; HATTIE NEWBOLD, his victim ; Madame ST. JUDE, the sorceress and fortune-teller ; URSULA LKSHMAN, the good Samaritan ; CRJS, and his companion, CHUFFER, the '' Burkers," were all real, living characters. " Verily, truth is stranger than fiction!' PRICE, FIFTEEN CENTS-MAILED, POSTPAID. The Books of this Series are for sale by the Principal Booksellers and Newsdealers throughout the country. Eight Numbers mailed to any address, as they are issued from the press, for $1.OO. T, R. DAWLEY, Publisher, is Local or Traveling Agents, male or female, may find profitable employment by selling these publications. There is a profit of nearly ONE HUNDRED PER CENT. Send for Terms. Agonts wanted in every city and town Throughout the United States. f Dawley'a Camp and Fireside Library No. INCIDENTS OF \MERICAN CAMP LIFE Being events which have actually taken place JURING THE PRESENT REBELLIO2 Second Edition, Revised and Enlarged. CONTENTS. i sn-ks-hunters of Western Virginia, king on the battle-field. . '. n inquisitive rebel, n exciting incident of picket life, nother picket story picturesque rebel army, accination in the army, ould'nt stand it n incident of the battle of the fort-. >enes between pickets, xtra rdinary telegraphic strategy, urst, the Tenness? e scout . he rebels and the telegraph, reserving the Constitution, aring adventure by Union soldiers, urriside and the fisherman. ubbir g a prisoner, be burning of colt n. nother female gece^h- ebel practices. robable tragic close of an eventful career. n. McC all's first escape. 'hat they all need. . New York heroine. Not unless they lay down their arms." n F. F.V. outwitted by a Chicago Fire Zouave ake ycur choice, madam. old by Booksellers & Newsdealers Mailed, postpaid, An escape. A Maryland Unionist. Joking on the battle-field, California Joe at his work. The wr ng way. C rson, the scout. Drumming a coward out of camp. Rebels caught in their own trap. A demijohn drilled, and its contents spiked. An incident of the Williamsburg battle. Clearing the battle-field after an engage mem A Yankee trick in Missouri. " These are my so.ia " "The spirit of '76." Scene at a New York recruiting oflice. Death scene of Captain John Griswold. The Massachusetts Sixth in Baltimore. The drummer-boy of Marblehead. A camp of females at Island No. Ten. Who was sh ? A female spy. Miss Taylor in ( amp Dick Robinson. Tha dying soldier. Sure enough. Details. The drummer boy. Remembered and mourned. everywhere. Price, FIFTEEN CENT on receipt of price. T. R. 13 & 15 PABK ROW, NEW YORK. USrLIBERAL INDUCEMENTS offered to Booksellers, Local or traveling Agent* !>0 or female to sell tins book in every towu ttirotighcmt the^Uni^ed .99 iiawieys Uamp ana Pxresi ie Library Fo 1. BEING EVENTS WHICH HAV3 ACTUALLY TAKEN PLACE DURING THE PRESENT REBELLION. in escape. i Maryland Unionist. 'it -make-hunters of Western Virgin oici sf on the battle-field. in 'iiq lisitive rebel. oki i ri - on t!ie battle-field. !alif >rnia Joe at his work. . n exciting incident of picket lif*. 'h- wr ng way. "- rs>n, the scout. tiioiher picket story * picturesque rebel army. >rurmning a coward out of camp. 'accination in the army. lebels caught in th-ir own trap. 'ould'nt stand ii i demijohn drilled, and spiked. .n incident ot t;ie \Villiarnsburg battle. 'learing the baUle-neld. . Yankee trick in Missouri. These are my sons." The spirit of '76." .n incident, of the battle of the fort<. cones beiwa n pickets, ixtra rdinary telegraphic str >tegy. COXTE.VTS t Hurst, thf\ Tenness-e scou'. The rebels and the telegraph. . Preserving the Constitution. Scene at a New York recruiting office. Daring adventure by Union soldiers. Death scene of Captain John Gr swi>ld. Burn-iide and the fisherman. I) ubb.i g a prisoner. The Jyiug M>idier. Miss Taylor in . amp Dick Robinson. A female spy. . Who was she 1 A caift ( > of females at Island No. Tan. The drummer-boy of Marblehead. Th Massachusetts >Mxth in Baltimore. What they all need. Gen. Me* all's first escape. Probable tragic close of an even ful career. Rebel practices. Another female sece h. The burning of cou n. Take your choice, madam. An K. F.V. outwitted by a Chicago Fir Zouave. " Not unless they lay down their arms." Remembered and mourned. Dawley's Camp and Fireside Library No. 2. MERCEDES: THE] OR, A Wild and Singular Story. THE scenes of this stranere story are laid in California, commencing some years befc/n ae gcilfl mines were discovered, aud brought to the time " when mobs and murders wen s plentiful as golden slugs .' ; when gamblers were reckoned right and proper men, am ambling hells weie the saloons of fashion, arid men of mind, manners and money amuset a. imelvcs therein ; when theaties outunmberei] cliurches, ana play-books, Bibles; whet iMMU'zans were the acknowledged leadcrB of ion ; when San Francisco rivaled her eldei (sterH, b;ith of the Old an-.l New WorlJ, in her buwers of ple:\sure for here was thegpea' ucleus of splendor and gratification in every sense. Fortunes were made in a single 'day en who had made fortunes in the mines co me h -re. What wonder, then, if crime jostlec lime iu the streets, Whnt wonder if fraa i iLrove in the mart of opaleuce, or that raici igat brawls distir'^"' 1 '* n > pose of the fe\v wao tried to be just. Then arose the Vig-i'fincs ommittee, taicing j'llgment into their own hands, when tb? nivering bodi