3543 
 
 MacNally 
 Fashionable Levities
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD 
 ENDOWMENT FUND
 
 Fafhionable Levities, 
 
 COMEDY 
 
 J N FIVE ACTS. 
 
 LEONA RD M ACNALLY, ESQ. 
 
 SECOND, EDITION. 
 
 LONDON; 
 
 Printed for G. G. J. and J.' ROBINSON 
 
 PATER-NOSTCR-ROW. 1785.
 
 TO THE *vf^^ 
 
 RIGHT H O N Q U R A fi'l?! 6 '- 
 
 The Countefsof SALISBURY. 
 
 M Y L A D Y, 
 
 THE Attention with which you have 
 protecled the Britifh Stage, claim s 
 the Gratitude of every Dramatic Writer : 
 I therefore take the Liberty of dedicating 
 this Comedy to your Ladyfliip, and hum- 
 bly entreat your Forgivenefs for not pre- 
 vioufly foliciting your Permiflion, 
 
 I have the Honour to be, 
 MY LADY, 
 With the greateft Refpedl, 
 Your Ladyship's moft obedient 
 And moft humble Servant, 
 
 LEONARD MAC NALLY, 
 
 p/t- Ap/tl 29, 1785. 
 
 958198
 
 On feeing Mifs Y O U N G E in the Character 
 cf Lady FLIPPANT SAVAGE, 
 
 THE two fcenic Mufes had long kept a diftance, 
 And fcorn'd of each other to borrow affiftance ; 
 THALIA was pert, and MELPOMENE proud, 
 And though of admirers they both had a croud j 
 Not two rival beauties on earth could be feen 
 More tortur'd with jealoufy, envy and fpleen : 
 Till JOVE, to whom all the celeftials fubmit, 
 In matters of WEIGHT, or in matters of WIT, 
 Interpos'd his command, faying, henceforth agree, 
 United in friendfhip as Sifters fhould be ; 
 And grant, as a pledge that your union's fincere, 
 Your mutual pow'rs to fome favourite fair ; 
 If one can be found amongft mortals below 
 Deferving the attributes you can beftow. 
 The Sifters obey'd j but unfix'd was their choice, 
 Till MINERVA appearing with foul-moving voice : 
 While in fcales of fufpenfe both their fancies were hung, 
 Appeal'd to their fenfes, and pointed to YOUNGE. 
 To YOUNGE, where the fmlle-fteallng comic we find, 
 With the fofty thefublime^ and the graceful combin'd. 
 To YOUNGE who can each different paffion impart, 
 Who pleafes the judgement^ but conquers the heart ', 
 And guided by NATURE, '^ followed by ART. 

 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 To FASHIONABLE LEVITIESr 
 
 Written ly Mr. CHALMERS. 
 Spoken ly Mr. W R O U G H T O N. 
 
 IN Shakefpeare's days we only play'd the fool, 
 And men of fafhiongave not took the rule ; 
 Then Lords were grave, and ladies graver#ili, 
 And only we, and clowns had wit at will ; 
 His mind rejected former claflic lore, 
 And drew from Nature's never-ending ftore. 
 But authors now we often prove the fa&, 
 Muft fafhion court, to teach us how to aft. 
 Expofe the follies which our ftatutes fpare, 
 And unprotected Virtue make their care. i 
 
 All nature noiu is cuftom ; cuftom, Icwu^ 
 And here we bring not what we think, but faw. 
 Tis hard to vary your dramatic mirth, 
 When every folly gives it likenefs birth. 
 Which though, in life, your laugh they may command, 
 Will rather pall, than pleafe, at fecond hand. 
 'Tis harder ilill to fuit the general mind, 
 And all our audience in our int'reft bind. 
 Honeft John Bull, vex'd with the cares of life, 
 With heavy taxes and a fcolding wife, 
 Wimes fomc hours in hearing us to wafte, 
 AK& galloping dreary Dun is quite his tafte. 
 Sir Poppling too, his brains with claret addle, 
 Pronounces Comedy to be a T'WtuUlt \ 
 His Lordmip by the privilege of folly, 
 Is neither mufical nor melancholy j 
 Thinks every honeft bard a queer old Put, 
 *' Damme ! there's nothing in a play \ikefmut f 
 The politician's all-commanding pate, 
 Wouid have us dramatize th' affairs of (late : 
 Make whigs and tories fight, here face to face, 
 And teach the patriots, Unity of Place. 
 Some cry for fentiment, and fome for wit, 
 And yet our claim to either won't admit. 
 The Critic Bench !* for which there's no appeal, 
 Since for the town they judge, and aft, and feel. 
 Did you but know what pangs an author /hares, 
 How throbs his heart with anxious doubts and cares ! 
 Let part indulgence your attention keep : 
 Though we be dull "Juftict mould never Jleep. 
 And if to-night no merit we can claim, 
 The want of fewer, not w///, deferves the blame 1 
 * Lacking into the Pit.
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONA. 
 M E N. 
 
 WEEFORD, 
 
 SIR BUZZARD SAVAGE, 
 
 CAPT. DOUGLAS, 
 
 CHEATERLY, 
 
 COLONEL STAFF, 
 
 NICHOLAS, 
 
 AND 
 
 MR. ORDEAL, 
 
 Mr. Lewis 
 Mr. Quick 
 Mr. Wroughton 
 Mr. Farren 
 Mr. Wewitzer 
 Mr. Edwin 
 
 Mr* Henderfon 
 
 WOMEN. 
 
 WIDOW VOLATILE, 
 
 CLARA, 
 
 CONSTANCE, 
 
 MRS. 
 
 GRACE, ' 
 
 HONOUR, 
 
 Mrs. Bates 
 Mrs. Martyr 
 Mrs. T. Kennedy 
 Mifs Platt 
 Mrs. Wilfon 
 Mrs. Webb 
 
 AND 
 
 LADY FLIPPANT SAVAGE, Mifs Younge. 
 SCENE, BATH; Time, One Day. 
 
 f # * I'fafe lines ivhicb ere within inverted eofomas, art 
 omitted by the j>e rfermers in the reprefentation.
 
 Fafhionable Levities. 
 
 r. 
 
 SCENE, Lady Flippant Savages 
 DreJ/ing-Room . 
 
 Enter GRACE and Mrs. MUSLIN. 
 
 Mrs. Muf. A N D do you really prefer Lon- 
 \ don to Bath, Mrs. Grace ? 
 
 race Why, I do ; in London there's Inch 
 a nolle fuch rattling of carts, waggons, coaches, 
 chariots and vis-a-vis 3 then at night its fo charm- 
 ing to fee the flambeaux flying about from 
 houfe to houfe, like blazing ftars ! But what 
 have you got there for my lady, Mrs. Muflin ? 
 
 Muf. A few cards of laces. 
 
 Grace. Foreign, I hope v/e hate every thing 
 Englim, and wear nothing but foreign manu- 
 factures. (Bell rings) My lady's bell. -Any- 
 new company come down ? 
 
 B Mrs. Muf.
 
 Mrs. Muf. Have heard of none, except the wife 
 and daughter of big Mr. Minikin, the great pin- 
 maker from Threadneedle-ftreet. (Bell rings.) 
 
 Grace. Coming, my lady (goes to a doer in 
 the back fcene.) It is only Mrs. Muflin, my 
 lady. 
 
 Lady Flip, within. I'll be with her immedi- 
 ately. 
 
 Grace. Let me have a few words with you be- 
 fore you go Sir Buzzard and my lady had fuch 
 tifcing yefterday, you never heard the like 
 They hate each other moft affectionately, that is 
 the truth of it 
 
 Enter Lady FLIPPANT SAVAGE through a door 
 in the back fcene. 
 
 Lady Flip. So Muflin, (fits) Heigh ho ! I'm 
 all langour and lafiitude ! Never knew Bath fo 
 dull Scarce any perfon of fafhion Nobody 
 one knows This patch has a pretty effect 
 And you may go, Grace ; and do you hear, 
 Grace, let Mils Conftance know I mail be ready 
 to go out in' half an hour. 
 
 Grace. Yes, my lady. [Exit. 
 
 Lady Flip. Muflin, take a chair; this is 
 certainly Englim rouge, a vulgar natural red. 
 Did you iee my brute as you came in, Muf- 
 lin ? ' 
 
 Mrs. Muf. Saw two of them, dear pretty ani- 
 mals, in the hall, my lady ; the little French dog 
 was playing with the Spanifh monkey. 
 
 Lady Flip. Muflin, are you mad ! my dog 
 and monkey brutes ! fweet creatures ! I was 
 enquiring after the brute my hufband. 
 
 Muf.
 
 ( 3 ) 
 
 Mrs. Muf. I a(k your ladyfhip's pardon ; 1 
 faw Sir Buzzard with Colonel Staff", and Mr. 
 Chearerly in the great parlour. But I have 
 ibmething to mention to your ladymip here 
 are the laces (opening the box) but it is not 
 
 about the laces I want to fpeak but 
 
 Lady Flip. But what ? Heigh ho ! hand me 
 the Olympian dew Mufliri, I faw a charming 
 fellow at the play laft night, and he faw me- 
 Lady Holden certainly pencils her eye-brows 
 But the charming fellow, he took up my whole 
 
 attention from the performance- 1 flatter 
 
 myfelf I engaged his -his eyes were never 4 
 off me was drefied in a new Parifiah frock. 
 
 Hand me the volatile falts, Muflin. 
 
 Mrs. Muj. My lodger, I proteft ! pick'd the 
 
 pinion of a chicken at my humble table, laft 
 
 night, and never ceafed talking of your ladvmip. 
 
 Lady Flip. Hand me the rofc water he fpoke 
 
 of me, yoli fay ? 
 
 Mrs. Muf. Heav'hs, faid he, what an air ! 
 what grace ! then run on in praife of your lady- 
 fhip's perfon and beauty j but when he heard your 
 ladymip was married, poor youth, how piteoufly 
 he figh'd. 
 
 Lady Flip. Good natured charitable foul ! 
 but his name who is he ? -what is he ? whence 
 came he? and who are his relations, Muf- 
 lin ? 
 
 Mrs. Muf. Cannot anfwer one of your ladyfhip's 
 queftioris, except that his narre is Welford ; he 
 came to my houfe yefterday, and talks of leav* 
 irig Bath to-morrow morning. 
 
 B 2 nttr
 
 ( 4 ) 
 
 Enter GRACE.' 
 
 Grace. Mr. Clieaterly requefts permifilon to 
 wait upon your ladyflbip. 
 
 Lady Flip. Shew him up. [Exit. Grace. 
 
 Come to demand his winnings ; loft two hun- 
 dred laft night, could think of no card but the 
 knave of hearts I faw at the Theatre. 
 
 Mrs.Muf. Theknave the king of hearts your 
 ladyfhip means ; and let me tell you a trump- 
 never faw finer eyes ; then he has the leg of a 
 foldier, and the hand of a lady but is he to 
 have the honor of 
 
 Lady Flip. Of what ? 
 
 Mrs. Muf. He fays he has fomethingof afe- 
 rious nature to communicate to your ladyfliip. 
 
 Lady Flip. Perhaps letters from fome of my 
 friends in Paris. 
 
 Muf. Saw a large bundle of letters on his 
 table. 
 
 Lady Flip. Then, Muflin, I leave his intro- 
 duction to you fhall be at home all the morn- 
 ing. 
 
 Muf. Your ladyfhip's moft obedient' I leave 
 the laces, (going) Never faw a handfomer gen- 
 tleman. . [Exit. 
 
 Lady Flip. What a giddy creature am I ? but 
 a body muft kill time then the fellow is fo 
 elegant, (rifes) and Sir Buzzard fo peevifh ! 
 the fatigue and apprehenfion which body 
 and mind fuffer after an unluckly run, are in- 
 fupportable -, my nerves are quite out of tune, 
 but Muflin has in fome degree elevated my 
 fpirits. 
 
 Enter
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 Enter CHEATERLY. 
 
 Cheat. I condole with your ladyfliip on your 
 hard run laft night , the aces confpired againft 
 you ; Renounce brag, the cunning of the game 
 lies, not in judgment of mind, but in com- 
 mand of mufcles. 
 
 La. Flip. To which I impute your uninter- 
 rupted feries of good luck. 
 
 Cheat. I am unfit for brag , the warmth of 
 my heart, particularly in your ladyfhip's pre- 
 fence, (bows low.) keeps my features in conti- 
 nual rebellion, but no perfon with a flexible 
 countenance Ihould touch brag, the impene- 
 trable looks of lady Frigid Midnight, have 
 eftablimed her an adept at the game. 
 
 La. Flip. And her nimble fingers give her 
 command of the cards ; but (he loll temper 
 when I got the black knaves , it was when you 
 flood on my right, and lord Lackacre on my 
 left hand. " 1 have got the black knaves," laid 
 I, " Lady Frigid" " I fee you have," faid fhe, 
 pointing to you and my lord, then, as flic 
 puckered up her mouth in an affected fmile, 
 down fell a few flakes of paint, and her fkm 
 appeared under the fractures, like old brick 
 work peeping through the new invented compo- 
 fition. 
 
 Cheat. Her countenance was once tolerable, 
 but a long run of ill Iftck, has itamp'd that ir- 
 rifible ditcordancy, of hill and dale, which marks 
 her vifage, and prevents the fmiles of fortune, 
 joy, or good humour, from unbending her to a 
 laugh, or the fmalleft femblage of the amiable. 
 (Hums a tune.) There is a fmall matter between 
 us, for which I have a very prefling occafion. 
 
 B 3 Lady
 
 t 6 ) 
 
 Lady Flip, (Afide.) I expelled this! Ha! ha ! 
 ha ! 1 cannot but laugh at your dcfcription of 
 Lady Frigid. 
 
 Cheat. For heavVs fake fay no more of her ; 
 but, let me have the money, (bows.) 
 
 Lady Flip. The money ! Piha ! You muft have 
 patience. 
 
 Cheat. Patience for a debt of honour ! 
 
 Lady Flip- I have bills to pay my mercer, 
 milliner, and mantua-maker, are to be with me 
 to-morrow, and people of that clafs, you know, 
 are rude and importunate. 
 
 Cheat. But fuppofe I point out a mode of 
 difchurging this debt of honour without dimi- 
 nilhifig your ladyfhip's purfe what fay you ? 
 
 Lady Flip. If you have any thing to propofe J 
 can honourably receive, fpeak out. 
 
 Cheat. Your ladyfhip is not ufually flow of 
 apprehenfion -,-7-it is true, I have not made an 
 ope n declaration of my paflion. 
 
 Lady Flip. Sir ! 
 
 Cheat. But my eyes, my looks, have fpokc 
 the workings of my foul. 
 
 Lady Flip. (Goes from him confufed) This I ne- 
 ver fufpectcd. Afide ) 
 
 Cheat. May I hope for your afliftance towards 
 my happinefsi J have Jong loved, doated, and 
 defp aired. 
 
 Lady Flip. Long loved and doated ! I'm not 
 furprized at that. (Afide.) 
 
 Cheat. Sir Buzzard knows of, and approves 
 my paflion. 
 
 La. Flip. Sir Buzzard approves it ! 
 
 tyeat. He does, and I cannot live
 
 ( 7 ) 
 
 Lady Flip. Hold, Sir! (Jftde.) I'm aftonifli'd. 
 Cheat. I cannot live without her. 
 Lady Flip. Without her ! without whom ? 
 Cheat. Who but Conftance ! divine Con- 
 ftance ! 
 
 Lady Flip. (Afide.) Though I defpife the fel- 
 low ! I I but why mould I be ruffled ? 
 
 Cheat. She thought 1 was making love to 
 herfelf. (Afide.) 
 
 Lady Flip. And wou'd you have me accefiary 
 to the ruin of a young creature ? 
 
 Cheat. There is no ruin intended , I have 
 open'd my mind to the lady, Sir Buzzard is 
 my friend, and I only folicit your intereft j I 
 would marry Conftance. 
 
 Lady Flip. No ruin intended ! could a greater 
 curie befal a young creature than to marry you! 
 rwho are you, Sir ? 
 
 Cheat. Who am I, madam ! a gentleman. 
 Lady Flip. I don't mean to afperfe your birth, 
 Sir , but is not your ruling paflion play , your 
 principal dependance cards and dice 5 your moft 
 intimate connections jockies, grooms, game- 
 cocks, and race-horfes ? I am furprized you 
 could look up to her. 
 
 Cheat. My fortune and family entitle me to 
 Jook up to any woman. 
 
 Lady Flip. Then it muft be merely to look up ; 
 
 you are, no doubt, one of Fortune's favourites, 
 
 and her favours follow you ; you have large 
 
 eftates in expectancy, and confiderable rents in 
 
 Bath, Wells, Scarborough, Southampton and 
 
 Margate -, nay, more, you have as many agents 
 
 as the firlt landed gentleman in the country. 
 
 Cheat. 1 don't underftand this treatment. 
 
 0. Flip. Your connexions, manners and con- 
 
 B 4 verfation
 
 ( 8 ) 
 
 vcrfation would be perfectly agreeable to Con- 
 ftance's turn of mind ; her refpeft for religion, 
 her morality, philofophy, and knowledge of 
 the brlies lettres, would exaflly coincide with 
 your ftudies in the arts and fciences of play. 
 
 Cheat. Arts and fciences of play 
 
 La. Flip. I infinuate nothing injurious to your 
 profeflion , the tefpect which profeffors of play 
 receive in preference to all other profeffors proves 
 it a profeflion the moft liberal, as well as molt 
 profitable, (ironically.) 
 
 Cheat. She will never forgive the infult of 
 preferring another woman to herfelf , (Afide.) 
 Your tradefmen's bills, madam, are unpaid, your 
 ladyfhip's mercer and milliner and people of 
 that clafs are fo importunate and rude j I do 
 not folicit you to take an active part in my fa- 
 vour, only promife not to be an enemy, and 
 the debt of honour is cancelled. 
 
 Lady Flip. You fay the debt of honour (hall 
 be cancelled. Are you aware that Conftance 
 has bellowed her favours on young De Courcy, 
 of York. 
 
 Cheat. Yes ; and that his paffion for play was 
 cooled at the Jaft York races, which obliged 
 him to take a trip to France for the recovery 
 of his finances. 
 
 Lady Flip. And his lofles (he imputes to a con- 
 fpiracy between you and thofe friends of yours, 
 who were the oftenfible winners, and to whom 
 you introduced him i 1 fear you have no 
 chance. 
 
 Cheat. Chance ! leave me to that ; I have 
 often won with the odds againft me-, then fhc 
 is a beggar, but my pafiion is difmterefted. 
 
 Lady Flip. And pray now, how much of the 
 
 uncle 
 
 4
 
 ( 9 ) 
 
 uncle's debt of honour is to be paid by this pa- 
 rental kindnefs to the niece ? I fee into the 
 ftheme, and here comes the unfortunate fa* 
 crifice. 
 
 Enter CONSTANCE. 
 
 Con. I underftand your lady (hip defired to 
 fpeak with me. 
 
 Lady Flip. To inform you, my dear, of fome 
 engagements, but particular bufinefs calls me 
 away for a few minutes, fo I leave you to en- 
 tertain Mr. Cheaterly. [Exit Lady Flippant. 
 
 Cheat. ( Afidt.) Her modeft blufh puts even 
 my impudence out of countenance ! your fo- 
 licitude, madam, to avoid me, fo llrongly in- 
 dicates apathy to my addreffes, I almoft dread 
 the pofiibility of convincing you I am fincere; 
 do not turn from me in !rorn ; I may have 
 fome claim upon your gratitude, though no in- 
 terefl in your heart. 
 
 Con. Gratitude ! Oh ! Your abfence, Sir, I 
 muft infift on; I will not, in future, be perfe- 
 cuted by your prefumption ! 
 
 Cheat. \ acknowledge my weaknefs in pnrfu- 
 jng the impulfe of my paflion ; reafon checks 
 me, but fuch is the imperious violence of my 
 affection, that even your fcorn increafes my de- 
 fires, by making you lovely in the midft of an- 
 ger, and the blefiing I figh for, appears flill 
 more valuable, more worthy purfuit, from the 
 (iiftant profpect you give me of the poffeffion. 
 
 Con. Profped, Sir ! 
 
 Cheat. Yes, madam, profpect. 
 
 Con. You will be pleafed, Sir, to withdraw 
 [walks difconcerted. 
 you are infolent. 
 
 Cheat
 
 Cleat. Infolent ! a hard word, madam, to a 
 man who prefers you to every other woman,- 
 I may be bold, madam, but 
 
 Con. I repeat it, you are infolent. 
 
 [walks from htm. 
 
 Cheat. I am calm, madam ; I know the im- 
 pediment to my happinefs, young lady, and 
 have ipirit to remove it. Infolent' ha; you 
 prefer a clandeftine correfpondence with a bank- 
 rupt in fame and fortune, to the generous 
 addrefles of a man, honoured with your uncle's 
 approbation, and independent of the world. 
 
 Con. The engagements of my heart but I 
 will not weep (wiping her eyes) Sir- -you 
 have, with a bafe and mean cowardice, dared to 
 traduce a generous, unfufpecling youth, whofe 
 fortune you have aflifted to ruin, but whofe ho- 
 nour you can never taint; a youth who, if 
 prefent, you would not dare to looloon with- 
 out trembling, (going.) 
 
 Enter Sir BUZZARD SAVAGE. 
 
 Sir Buz. What's the matter now? 
 
 Con. Enquire of that gentleman, Sir, 
 
 Sir Buz. What a life I lead ! my mind kept in 
 a continual fever, you and your aunt are a per- 
 petual ague to me ; her hot fits of levity, and 
 your cool fits of prudery, operate alternately, and 
 I am tortured by you from morning till night. 
 
 Con. I muft tell you, Sir, that fince your 
 houfe cannot afford me protection, I (hall leave 
 it; and, though deftitute of fortune, I know 
 where to apply for an afylum. [Ex. Conftance. 
 
 Sir Buz. " I know where to apply for an afy- 
 jum !" She cannot have a knowledge of our 
 fccrct, or I would fuppofe fhe meant the Chan- 
 cery^
 
 C " ) 
 
 eery ; a man muft now pay as much attention to 
 his ward, as if (he was his child. 
 
 Cheat. True, and what adds to the grievance, 
 if a young fellow marries an heirefs, he is obliged 
 to fettle her fortune on herfelf, though, per* 
 haps, her perfon was a fecondary object, I 
 mail never fucceed here, Sir Buzzard. 
 
 Sir Buz. Pirn, why not fucceed ; a hundred 
 to one but all (he has faid is pretence , you 
 know nothing of women's fubtilty j they Mule, 
 they frown, they laugh, they werp, they ve 
 but to deceive us, and lay a lhare in every ar- 
 ticle of their drefs. 
 
 Cheat. De Courcy is the object of her choice. 
 
 Sir Buz. Why afraid of De Courcy ? his 
 friends at York races plucked the poor devil 
 of a pigeon fo bare, they icarcely left him fea- 
 thers to fly into France. 
 
 Cheat. I was prefent; may I depend on 
 your afiiftance ? 
 
 Sir Buz. Is not our bargain concluded ? on 
 the day of your marriage with my niece, you 
 return me my mortgages, the bill of fale 
 upon my horfes, and an acquittance of all de- 
 mands. 
 
 Cheat. Depend upon it I have pledg'd my 
 honour-, affift me, and I will purfue my 
 game, though me keeps me at bay every ftep. 
 
 Sir Buz. Cheatcrly, I muft look about me ; 
 1 came down here for the recovery of my health, 
 and am fuffering under a precipitate confump- 
 tion of my purfe. Do you think the young 
 clergyman plays fair ? 
 
 Cheat. You mean parfon Spruce; could you 
 fufpect a divine? 
 
 Sir Buz. Why, yes; I do fufpect your di- 
 vines
 
 ( I* ) 
 
 vines in their own hair, and boots, many of 
 them I believe have thrown off morality with 
 their wigs, and kicked away religion with thejr 
 (hoes. 
 
 Cheat. But Dr. Spruce has three hundred a 
 
 }ear in the church he won a cool fifty from 
 
 me. 
 
 Sir Buz. A fifty ! I loft more to him than 
 would purchafe four years of his income. 
 
 Cheat. Do you want cam ? I can lend you a 
 hundred ; here (gives him a note) with friends 
 iXioney mould be a common commodity. 
 
 Sir Buz. Why I loft this note to Parfon 
 Spruce laft night he gave me a fifty and took 
 it. 
 
 Cleat. Aye, Oh, I had it from him, he gave 
 it to me for a bill on London. 
 
 Sir Buz. Here comes Colonel Star? and old 
 Ordeal yoked together, very naturally, as two 
 affes mould be; I deipife them both : the Co- 
 lonel never ferved abroad, yet he prates as bold 
 as if he had experienced half a dozen foreign 
 campaigns. 
 
 Cheat. And is poor and proud. 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, but hopes to mend his fortune 
 by marrying my fifter; I wifh him fuccefs, that 
 they may mutually torment each other. 
 
 Cheat. Mark Ordeal, he is not a lefs extraor- 
 dinary character than the Colonel, the fellow 
 was a foundling, and never knew his parents, 
 but having acquired a fortune by trade, impu- 
 dently iniults his betters, by preaching what he 
 calls generofuy. 
 
 Sir Buz. O, confound his geuerofity, he is al- 
 ways letting a bad example with his charities,. 
 
 relieving
 
 ( 13 ) 
 
 relieving widows, providing for orphans, and 
 portioning off young maidens ; though igno- 
 rant as a Hottentot, he has got himfelf rank'd 
 among the literati, and fets up for a philofopher 
 the fellow has come into life through as many 
 fhapes as an Orkney Barnacle, he was firlt a, 
 block, then a worm, and is now a goofe. 
 
 Enter Colonel STAFF, and Mr. OR DEAL. 
 
 Col. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I have been accvifing Or- 
 deal of avarice, and he denies the charge. 
 
 Ord. I do, avarice, though too often an at- 
 tendant on age, is a vice foreign to my nature ; 
 no man can accufe me of accumulating money 
 by unjuft means, or of hoarding it When in my 
 pofieffion j whereas avarice is a dropfy of tho 
 mind a difeafe that irritates and increafes by 
 the means ufed to affuage its third. 
 
 Col. Have you not rcfufed to lend me a mere 
 trifle, and being rich, is not that a propf of ava- 
 rice. 
 
 Ord. Hear me; I confider myfelf an agent, 
 bound to anfwer for the diftribution of that 
 wealth with which heaven has bleis'd my induf- 
 try the charge of avarice is more applicable to 
 the fpendthrift than the prudent, the fpendthrifc 
 grafpsat every man's property ; yet no man is ac- 
 counted avaricious who conforms to the cuftom 
 of diflipation ; though the fpendthrifc raifes his 
 rents, and ftarves his tenantry borrows money 
 and ruins his friend, or runs in debt, and makes' 
 bankrupts of his tradefmen, if he drives a car- 
 riage keeps a train of fervants, play's, drinks, 
 and plunges into vice, the world will call him 
 a damn'd generous fellow I fpeak my mind 
 that's my way. 
 
 Sir
 
 Sir Buz. Well, Colonel, how goes on your 
 affair with my fantaftical filter ? She is a jilt, 
 Colonel. I hate a jilt. 
 
 Col. She will fobn furrender, I have got pof- 
 fcffion of the counterfcarp, and mall (hortly fet 
 up the ftandard of matrimony upon the crown 
 
 of the 
 
 Sir Buz. Horn work El) ? 
 Cheat, The widow has a confiderahle (hare of 
 the toujours gai in her compofmon. 
 
 Sir Buz. Too much to promife confbncy ; but 
 then you old bachelors have fuch winning ways 
 but Colonel, keep a centinel on my filter 
 time and poficffion are two dangerous pioneers, 
 the firft moulders the cement by degrees, and 
 the other faps the foundation. 
 
 Cheat. Then the widow is fo frank, degage 
 and good natured, flie may grant favors from 
 charity and fcnfibility, which other women 
 would refufe from principle, or the prejudice 
 of education. 
 
 CW. What Mr. Cheaterly has advanced, 
 contains profound gravity of judgment ; but 
 my Clary (hall have no modern education, I 
 have engaged a mailer to teach her the daf- 
 fies, to manure the foil by cultivating the feeds 
 of virtue , yes, I will have Glary cultivated, 
 for fne is innocence itfelf : free from the bias of 
 example, fhe is guided only by the impulfe of 
 pure nature. 
 
 Cheat. A young lady could not have a more 
 dangerous preceptor, the impulfe of pure na- 
 ture will produce every evil that can arife from 
 the politeft education. 
 
 Ord. 1 am convinced me is delicate as the er- 
 mine,
 
 ( IJ ) 
 
 mine, which would die to preferve the fnowy 
 whitenefs of its fur. 
 
 Col. Well faid, my old friend, amorous as 
 May, though grey as December. 
 
 Ord. Grey ! Nay, let me tell you, Colonel, 
 though fnow has fallen upon the mountain, there 
 is funfhine in the valley Clara is an Aurora 
 Borealis, a blaze in the regions of frigidity. 
 
 Sir Buz. Ordeal, ferioufly, now, are you 
 going to marry this ward of your's for love ? 
 
 Ord. Serioufly, I love the girl as I love my 
 life , but if I did not, having no relations nor 
 friends to whom I owe any obligation, I am de- 
 termined to make her my heir. 
 
 Sir Buz. And no doubt fhe will ~bring you an 
 heir in return, and then bury you. 
 
 Ord. Bury me! Granted: when I deep 
 peaceable under the green turf, let her marry 
 fbme honeft young fellow, and their children 
 lhall bear my name. 
 
 Cheat. A good way this to raife a family with- 
 out trouble. 
 
 Ord. Family, I underftand your fneer, I was 
 a foundling it rs true, and cannot boaft ancel- 
 try , yet I have a heart fufceptible of the tender 
 feelings and fweet foiicitudes of humanity. 
 Though I cannot claim relations of particular 
 defcriptions, I know Adam and Eve were our 
 primitive parents, therefore, confider the world 
 one common family, and hold myfelf bound to 
 all mankind by tics of fraternal love. 
 
 Sir Buz. And your family kindnefs is not 
 confined to your brothers, but extends to your 
 filters too. 
 
 Ord. Clara's father was my friend, we ferv'd 
 our apprenticefhip together, fet up in the fame 
 
 branch
 
 branch of trade, he failed, and died poor, but 
 I profpered he was a worthy foul, and I never 
 fpeak of him without tears, (weeps.) 
 
 Cheat. Ah ! very good, Sir Buzzard; be- 
 caufe the father was his juvenile friend he 
 would marry the daughter in his old age. 
 
 Sir Buz. A pretty excufe for a viciou' Ap- 
 petite. 
 
 Col. Hear, hear! 
 
 Ord- Clara's father, when on his death-bed, 
 bequeathed her to me as a legacy, it was a be- 
 queft of confidence, and I efteem it more than 
 if it had been a million : he bequeathed her to 
 me an infant without a mother, without rela- 
 tions, without friends, without fortune. Now, 
 though rich in the liberal gifts of nature, who 
 hath endowed her with an exuberant hand, 
 yet being poor in worldly, fubftance, fhe hath 
 but few attractions for a hu/band -, the knight 
 errancs of thefe days are Argonauts this is 
 the golden age and every thing is bought and 
 fold. 
 
 Sir Buz Spoke in the true fpirit of commerce, 
 my old merchant. 
 
 Ord. Let me tell you, Sir Knight, the fpirit 
 of commerce is the beft fpirit in the nation ; we 
 merchants live by barter and fale it is true, but 
 take this with you, fir, probity is our princi- 
 ple, and our character nice as a lady's. 
 
 Sir Buz. Here comes my moiety of morta- 
 lity here comes the origin of two thirds of my 
 complaints, with my widow'd lifter, the Colo- 
 nel's tormentor that is to be fee, they fmile at 
 fome mifchief in embryo Ah, candied ginger, 
 fugar on the outfide, fire within, fweet on the 
 palate, biting on the tongue. Ordeal keep a 
 
 ftrict
 
 ( 17 ) 
 
 drift eye upon pure nature, the aloe is moft 
 bitter when green, (going.) 
 
 Cheat. Nay, ftay, Sir Buzzard. 
 
 Sir Buz. Stay, and my wife coming ! excufe 
 me, I avoid her as I would an epidemic com- 
 plaint. [Exit. 
 
 En 4 Lady FLIPPANTSAVAGE and Widow 
 
 VOLAT 1 LE. 
 
 Wiu. Are you here, Colonel ? I follow you 
 as the little bird does the cuckoo Mr. Ordeal, 
 your moft obedient, how is pretty Clara, and 
 when are we to call her Mrs. Ordeal. -You 
 rear her quite a domeftic animal, fhc is never 
 feen abroad. 
 
 Lady Flip. Nor at home, fitter, not even at 
 the windows. 
 
 Cksat. He fears the fun would fpoil her com- 
 plexion. %, 
 
 Ord. She hath indeed a lovely complexion, 
 glowing and bright as the Tyrian dye, not a 
 modern local blum, that hides fhame inftead of 
 difcovering it ; but ruddy health moving in 
 varied tints the lily and the rofe vying for 
 pre-eminence on her cheek ! O ihe is pure na- 
 ture ! 
 
 Wid. But when introduced to life thofe rofes 
 will blow, thofe lilies will fade. 
 
 Ord. She mail never get into any life, but 
 where they may blow and fade naturally her 
 real face (hall never be concealed under a coun- 
 terfeit j.fome ladies coin complexions, and mould 
 be punimed for high treafon in defacing beauty. 
 
 Cheat. Bravo, old Ordeal ! bravo ! 
 
 Ord. I reprobate impofition of charms ! a 
 
 reverend bifhop declared to me he was married 
 
 C two
 
 ( '8 ) 
 
 two years before he faw his wife's face, and that 
 was by accident. 
 
 Lady Flip. I am aftonifhed a gentleman of 
 your age can be fo fcandalous, fo malicious, 
 but it is the nature of wafps to retain their buz 
 after they have loft their fling. 
 
 Wid. Our gaiety provokes their fpleen ; thefe 
 ancient gentlemen rail at women for fpeaking 
 fcandal, yet refort in gronpes to everyplace of 
 public entertainment, ogl'ng with their telefcope 
 eyes to difcover blemimes on beautiful objecls 
 now here's a piece of antiquity ! 
 
 (turning Ordeal round) 
 
 Ord. I have not pretended to juvenality fince 
 the crow's feet appeared near my eyes 3 nay, 
 don't bite your lips, widow, lines will appear 
 in the fkin after thirty, and are the harbingers to 
 wrinkles. 
 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Strv. The chocolate is ready, my lady. 
 
 [Exit. Serv. 
 
 Lady Flip. Sifter, let us in Mr. Cheaterly 
 . Cheat. I attend your ladyfhip. 
 
 Ord. Can I pay my refpedls to Conftance, my 
 eld friend's daughter ? 
 
 Lady Flip. You will probably find her in the 
 ftudy poor Conftance takes the humblenefs of 
 her fituation too much to heart. 
 
 [Exit L. Flip. Cleat, and Wid. 
 . Ord. Colonel, I knew the father of Con- 
 ftance intimately, a flout fellow and ferved his 
 country long and well he ferved abroad 
 Col. Hem ! 
 
 Ord. Strift honour was his principle but 
 alas, he experienced that was not the medium 
 
 to
 
 ( 19 ) 
 
 to promotion fo finding carpet foidiers like you 
 promoted over his head, he went to India.. 
 
 Col. This widow of mine, Ordeal, hath a 
 prolific flow of wit and (pints. 
 
 Ord. Yes, and egad I thought fhe ftruck you 
 dumb fhe has a prolific tongue too, (harp as 
 the arrow of a Bornean Indian, and tipp'd with 
 poifon ; your union with her will be happy 
 perfectly happy though I recoiled: fhe com- 
 pared you to a cuckoo, a bird of omen ; yes, 
 a cuckoo is a very ominous bird pray, Colonel, 
 is the widow {killed in augury ? 
 
 Col. Damn your cuckoo ! but your fpeaking 
 of augury reminds me of a circumftance at the 
 liege of Prague a flock of rooks 
 
 OrJ. I muft go pay my compliments to Con- 
 dance. 
 
 Col. At the fiege of Prague when the Pruf- 
 fian grenadiers advanced (holds Ordeal) 
 
 Ord' Were you at the fiege, Colonel ? 
 
 Col. My regiment was there I have ferved 
 my country. 
 
 Ord. Oh, yes, you have done great fervice to 
 your country at home by cenfuring thofe 
 have fought for her abroad. 
 
 [Exit, 
 
 of ihs Firji 
 
 C 2 ACT
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE I. A Chamber. 
 Lady FLIPPANT and W E L F o R D 9 feated. 
 
 Lady Flip. C IR, I mud fay you prefume too 
 O far. 
 
 Wei. I faw your ladyfliip and admired, and 
 if that be preemption, who is free from it ? 
 admiration naturally produced a more tender 
 emotion I communicated my feelings to Mrs. 
 Muflin ; Mrs. Muflin reported them to your 
 ladymip, and your ladyfhip, with a mind, liberal 
 as your perfon is elegant, permits me to throw 
 myfelf at your feet. 
 
 Lady Flip. You have mifconftrued the liberty 
 1 allowed my houfe is always open to pcrfons 
 of faftiion, and as a vificor only 1 expected you. 
 
 (rifis.) 
 
 Wei. Nay, madam, your privy counfcilor in- 
 formed me I (hould be admitted into the inte- 
 rior cabinet, and your principal lady in waiting 
 introduced me in form accordingly. 
 
 Lady
 
 . ( 2. ) 
 
 Lady Flip. And (hall 1 call her now, fir, to 
 fhew you the way back ? (afide) pleafant im- 
 pudent fellow. 
 
 Wei. You are not fo cruel I fee pardon 
 beaming from your eye, and frolic fmiling on 
 your cheek. 
 
 Lady Flip. " And mould I pardon, from that 
 " inftant, the fervilc iuppliant, now at my feet, 
 " would lole all lenfe of obligation, and from the 
 " miftrefs's flavc afpire to be her tyrant." 
 
 WeL " I neither dtfire to be {lave or tyrant, 
 " but to love upon equal terms you confent 
 " I read it in your eyei and 1 am fecret as the 
 " grave." 
 
 Lady Flip. " Secret you may be, but it is not 
 *' the mere colour of reputation can protect a 
 " woman's honor.' I might perhaps carry on an 
 ' f intrigue with fecrecy, but my mind" 
 
 Wei. " Upon my foul 1 have no defign upon 
 " your ladymip's mind, my heart is captivated; 
 " and if I did not totally mifunderftand my good 
 " friend, and your ladymip's very good friend, 
 " Mrs. Muflin, a certain perfon, (whom modeity 
 " will not permit me to name) is not totally in- 
 " different in your opinion" (bowing) 
 
 Sir Buz. (within.) Grace, where is your 
 lady ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Sir Buzzard's voice ! 
 
 Grace, (within) My lady, Sir ! 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, your lady, ma'am ! 
 
 Grace, (/peaking 'very loud) She is in her own 
 room, fir, but I believe not yet drefs'd I'll let 
 her know you want her, fir. 
 
 C 3 Enttr
 
 Enter GRACE. 
 
 Grate. As I hope to be faved, here is my 
 matter, and in one of his gruff humours, quite 
 in a tantrum the gentleman cannot go out that 
 way follow me. 
 
 Laay Flip. Into the next room make hade 
 (pujhing WelforL 
 
 Wei. I go, perhaps into the interior cabinet 
 This alarm I truft will convince your lady(hip 
 that in love, as in war, delays are dangerous 
 Go on, Mrs. Grace. 
 
 [Exeunt Welford and Grace, 
 
 Enter Sir BUZZARD, (he Jits} 
 
 Sir Buz. What an infernal life I lead ! 
 
 Lady Flip. What has rais'd the dorm now ? 
 
 Sir Buz. Why afk ! you know I am mar- 
 ried and married to you I am my own maf- 
 ter, and hate impertinent queftions I have loft 
 my money I am glad of it. Oh ! I wifh I had 
 never married 
 
 Lady Flip, (fight) And I, with all my heart. 
 
 Sir Buz. Yet you leaped at my offer you 
 were glad to fnar,ch at me 
 
 Lady Flip. Who I ? I was feduced into the 
 match ! have 1 not brought reputation to your 
 houfe, fir ? 
 
 Sir Buz. Reputation to my houfe ! you have 
 turn'd my houfe topfy turvy, infide out ; you 
 have irritated me into a complication of com- 
 plaints, and reduced my fortune to galloping 
 decay have fretted me down to a mere iktrle- 
 ton. * 
 
 Lady Flip. Sir, fome refpecT: is due to my 
 birch, j I am daughter to 3 nobleman, and 
 
 til!
 
 till honoured with my hand, your family could 
 not boaft a drop of blood in their veins. 
 
 Sir Buz. No blood in their veins ! I, indeed 
 have loft both flefh and blood ; no blood in my 
 veins ' Have I not lent your brother money 
 your uncle, money your coufms money I- 
 which of your honourable, or right honourable 
 
 relations are out of my debt? If I had no 
 
 blood in my veins, how the devil have you and 
 yours bled me fo plentifully ? 
 
 Lady Flip. I defpife your meannefs 
 
 Sir Buz. Your family are leeches I could 
 never make them off. 
 
 Lady Flip. Sir, your connexion with me was 
 an honor, which with all your land and wealth, " 
 you had no right to expect. What was your 
 family before your union with me ? 
 
 Sir Buz. Men and women. 
 
 Lady Flip-. Could they boaft antiquity ? > 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, my grandfather lived to ninety 
 -i-my father to eighty-fix. 
 
 Lady Flip. You married me 
 
 Sir Buz. To perpetuate my family are you 
 fatisfied ?. 
 
 Lady Flip. No, I am not fatisfied. 
 
 Sir Buz. I know it, I know it. I know it. 
 
 Lady Flip. " My anceftors can be traced to 
 " the Normans the Danes the Saxons." 
 
 SirBuz. " Which only proves you have fprung 
 " from pirates and invaders ; but what is it to me 
 " if you were related to the Picts, the Scots, or 
 *' the Romans ? I am a Savage !" 
 
 Lady Flip. " Yes, you are a favage indeed 
 
 Sir Buz. ce And the Savages let me teH you, 
 
 are the oldeft and pureft blood in the country." 
 
 C4 Lad]
 
 ( *4 ) 
 
 Lady Flip, (ajide) How mall I get rid of him 
 Sir Buzzard, you don't intend to ftay here I 
 hope? 
 
 Sir Buz. You hope fo, do you ? I am glad 
 of that, then here 1 (hall have a comfortable 
 nap. ( fits doiun^and compofes bimfelf) 
 
 Lady Flip* (afide) PJI raifr the fpirit of con- 
 tradiction to fend him off (d*aws a chair and Jits 
 by him) now that is kind, thanks for your com- 
 pany, and I'll read, or fing a lullaby to com- 
 pofe you -, (hall I kifs you ? come now, fmile 
 my dear, (takes off bis bat] 
 
 Sir Buz. I hate fmiling, fmiling is the cun- 
 ning covering of deceit, (rifing} and kiffing 
 am I in a habit of conftitution for 
 kifiing ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Am not I your wife ? 
 
 Sir Buz. I feel you are do not roll your bafi- 
 liiks they have loft their fafcinating powers. 
 
 Lady Flip. But you mail not go 
 
 Sir Buz. Not go ! I am mafter of my own 
 houfe ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Then I will be miftrefs of my 
 time ; I may find a companion. 
 
 Sir Buz. With all my heart a woman who 
 would keep herhufband at home, is worfe than a 
 corn on his foot, there is no ftirring at eafe for 
 her ! O that mine were cut off. 
 
 Lady Flip. You will go before me though, I 
 (hall wear weeds for my love your face looks 
 this inftant pale as marble, and I can fee " Here 
 lieth Sir Buzzard Savage," written on your fore- 
 head. 
 
 Sir Buz. I am ill it is true. 
 
 Lady
 
 Lady Flip. Ill ! you have a mortal blacknefs 
 under your eyes. 
 
 Sir Buz. Eh ! What ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Do not ftare fo it alarms me ! 
 
 Sir Buz. My head fwims ! 1 feel a palpi- 
 tation here, juft upon my temple. 
 
 Lady Flip A dangerous fymptom. 
 
 Sir Buz. 1 know it, and you are glad of it. 
 Oh, Lord ! I (hall prefently be enrolled on 
 Death's lift of Bath patients, who die where 
 they come to live for the recovery of their 
 health. [Exit. 
 
 Lady Flip. Now to deliver rry poor diftrcfled 
 fwain from confinement. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE II. Another Apartment. 
 
 W E L F o R D and GRACE difcovered. 
 
 Wei. Nay, my nonpareil my fweeteft, deareft 
 of all girls, you may believe every word I fay. 
 
 Lady FLIPPANT appears liftning at a door in 
 
 the fcene. 
 I have lov'd you 
 
 Grace. Love me ! dear fir ! Well, whe- 
 ther you fpeak truth or no, I like to hear you 
 fay fo yet, I fear you are falfe-hearted, it was 
 my lady you came to vifit. 
 
 Wei. Your lady ! no, no, child, you were the 
 object, and I got myfelf introduced to the lady, 
 that I might with more eafe become intimate 
 with the maid. 
 
 Grace. Cannot believe that my lady is much 
 handfomer than I What a fine complexion ! 
 
 WtL Mere rouge! 
 
 Grace.
 
 Grace. White teeth ! 
 
 Wei For which Ihe's obliged to the Den- 
 tift 
 
 Grace. Charming hair ! 
 
 Wtl. All falfe. 
 
 Grace. Then, what polite converfatio'n ! 
 
 Wai. Pfha, child (he has not the native bloom 
 of your cheeks, the nectarine of your lip, the 
 pearl of your teeth, the natural curl of your 
 trefles, nor the wit of your imagination. 
 
 Grace, (ctfide} How I likes to hear him praife 
 me and abufe my lady ! and you really love 
 me ? 
 
 Wei. Moft devoutly could we not retire to 
 a more private chamber ? (Jhews a purje.) 
 
 Grace. Swear you'll not be falfe hearted. 
 
 Wei. By Jupiter, Venus, Cupid, and all the 
 Gods and Goddefles, never (fnakes tbepurfe) 
 
 Grace. Then hear me fwear (lays her hand 
 upon tbe purfe] by this purfe (takes it) I like 
 you. 
 
 Wei. Take it my girl take it. 
 
 Grace. And by this ring, I'll (lays her hand on 
 Us ring) 
 
 Wei. My dear don't fwear fo often but kits 
 ire hufiey I have a fecret to tell you. 
 
 Grace. " A fecret ! but may not that fecret 
 ** fpeak for itfelf hereafter, and difcover all." 
 (Lady Flippant comes forward.} 
 Dear ma'am you can't think how the gentleman. 
 has been praifing your ladymip's complexion, 
 teeth, hair, and I^don't know what. 
 
 Wei. Yrs, I w'as praifing your lady (hip's \ 
 I I cion't know what. 
 
 Lady Flip. There's no impediment now, fir, 
 to your retiring, and I requeft you will inftantly 
 withdraw. 
 
 WeL
 
 Wei. For the prefent I fubmit to your rigid 
 and peremptory fentence \ it is my way never 
 to deny or palliate my faults. When I travel 
 in purfuit of pleafure, I always take a view of 
 fuch beautiful feats as lie before me, and for the 
 life of me, 1 could not help cafting an eye of 
 this little fnug box, which lay fo convenient to 
 your ladyfhip's manfion-houfe. [Ex. Welford. 
 
 Grace. I hope your ladyfhip will excufe me; 
 -I thought I was doing no harm, I thought 
 your ladyfhip difmiffed the gentleman, and your 
 ladyfhip knows we chambermaids have the fame 
 claim to our lady's caft lovers, as to their caft 
 cloaths. [Exit Grace. 
 
 Lady Flip. Order chairs, and tell" my fitter 
 
 I'll attend her to Devil take the fellow, 
 
 yet I admire him for his impudence. [Exit* 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 Ordeal's Study. 
 
 Enter NICHOLAS and DOUGLAS, dif- 
 guifed in a Jhabby Highland Drefe. 
 
 Nich. And fo you were recommended by old 
 Corderius, the fchoolmafter, to teach our young 
 lady the Latin lingo. 
 
 Doug. Yes j to inftruct her in the reediments 
 of the dead languages. 
 
 Nich. Dead languages ! do you mean the 
 languages fpoken in the other world ? for ecod 
 ihe can chatter glibby enough in the living 
 tongue. 
 
 Doug. I am to inftruct her, man, in Greek 
 and Latin.
 
 Ntcb. Greek and Latin ! will not that teach 
 her ftrology and conjuration ? 
 
 Enter ORDEAL. 
 
 Here, Sir, is Mr. a a What's your name, 
 Scotchey ? 
 
 Doug. Alexander M'Clafiic. 
 
 Nicb. He's Mr. M'Claffic, come from Mr. 
 Corderius to learn Mifs Clary the dead lan- 
 guages, which he has got alive at his tongue's 
 end. 
 
 Doug. Here, Sir, are my credentials. 
 
 (Gives a letter. 
 
 Ord. My friend Corderius gives you an ex 
 cellent character, young man, for honefty, and 
 literary abilities, and you may begin with your 
 pupil when you pleafe. 
 
 Nicb. He has began with her already, 
 
 Ord. You are perfect mailer of the claffics, I 
 prefume. 
 
 Doug. My father kcept an academy, where I 
 firft acquired the roodiments, and after I ma- 
 triculated at Aberdeen j there I made an inti- 
 mate acquantance with the philofophers, Chrif- 
 tian, and Heathen, the logicians, mathema- 
 ticians, aftronomers, navigators, botanifts, che- 
 mifts, and aw the tribe of nateral philofophers. 
 
 Ntcb. What a number of fcholars are in Aber- 
 deen ! 
 
 Ord. Be filent, fool. 
 
 Doug. As to the claffics, I am maifterof Ho- 
 mer, Xenophon, Sophocles, Seneca, Virgil, 
 Ovid, Terence, Salluft, Livy and Horace. 
 
 Nicb. Have you learned all thofe gentle- 
 men ? 
 
 Ord.
 
 Ord. Silence, you inquifuive puppy. 
 
 Doug. I teach them aw, and will make the 
 young lady miftrefs of them aw. 
 
 Nicb. Miftrefs of them all ! Ecod fhe'll ne- 
 ver remember half of her fervant's names ! but 
 o' tag, rag, and bobtail ; how comes it that 
 with all thofe fcholars you've taught, you go fo 
 poorly ? F.cod your cloaths are all in jeopardy. 
 He ! he ! he ! 
 
 Ord. Silence. Go you, firrah, and call mifs 
 Clara. 
 
 Nicb. I go I go I go I go I go let 
 me fee he teaches muficians, magicians, and 
 phyficians and he'll teach her conjuration and 
 ftar-gazing and mum. [*// Nicholas. 
 
 Doug. You are, I prefume, Sir, a fcholar. 
 
 Ord. I never deny my ignorance it is 
 my misfortune, and a man mould only be 
 afhamed of his faults, 1 do not underftand a 
 word of any language but my native tongue, 
 except a few phrafes I have picked up, but I 
 have read moft Englilh authors ; born in po- 
 verty I was debarred the benefit of a liberal 
 education, 1 am candid that's my way. 
 
 Doug. This is a common cafe. 
 
 Ord. No doubt one half of the literati are un- 
 lettered, and like light or Birmingham guineas 3 
 pals for more than they are worth. 
 
 Doug. You intend to mary the lady your- 
 felf ? 
 
 Ord. Yes. 
 
 Doug. And you have fecluded her frae com- 
 pany, aw that was judicious be cautious what 
 men you introduce to her. 
 Ord. Yes ; and women too, 
 Doug. That's right, recreations which pru- 
 dence
 
 e 30 ; 
 
 tlence prohibits at home, and decency denies the 
 exercife of in public, may eafily be enjoyed at 
 the preevate houfe of a confidential friend. 
 
 Ord. You are right, there are many obliging, 
 convenient, liberal-hearted, female beauty brok- 
 ers, who fupport elegance and expence by trad- 
 ing in a contraband commerce of the fexes. 
 
 Enter CLARA and NICHOLAS. 
 
 Well, my girl,-*-your tutor has given you a 
 lefibn, I underftand. 
 
 Cla. Yes, Sir. (Loud knocking). 
 
 Ord. Who the devil is at the door ? I be- 
 lieve they have got a battering-ram, and arc 
 going to ftorm us after the manner of the 
 Greeks and Romans. [Exit Nich. 
 
 Enter N i.c HOL AS. 
 
 Nick. Such filks, and ruftlings ! 
 
 Ord. What's the matter ? 
 
 Nich. There are cork rumps hoops and high 
 heels in the houfe. 
 
 Ord. Who knocks at the door ? 
 
 Nick. They are covered with paint, patches 
 and pomatum. 
 
 Ord. Who knock'd at the door ? 
 
 Nich. Falfe hair, curls and perfumes ! don't 
 blame me, they came upon me unawares; I 
 pufh'd, and they pufh'd, but they pufh'd 
 harder, and overturned me. 
 
 Grd. Who overturned you ? 
 
 Nich. They are full of flirtation, and giggling, 
 and bedizened with gauze and ribbands ; Lady- 
 Savage and her lifter, with their long tails fweep- 
 ing behind. 
 
 Ord.
 
 3 ) 
 
 Vrd. Lady Savage and her fitter ! Lady De- 
 vil and her imp ! Where are they ? 
 
 Nicb. Running all over the houfe up flairs 
 and down flairs, to and fro, in and out back- 
 wards and forwards round about here and 
 there, and every where. 
 
 Ord. I am not at home,- there is no body at 
 
 home we are all out I'll retire to my clofet ; 
 
 you will flep with me, Mr. M'Clafilc, and do 
 
 you, my lamb, lock yourfelf up to avoid 'em. 
 
 [Exit Ordeal and Douglas. 
 
 Nicb. He, he, he, here is a blufter, Ecod 
 we fhall have rare fport. 
 
 Enter LADY FLIPPANT and the WIDOW. 
 
 Lady 'Flip. Where, my dear, in fuch hafle ? 
 
 Cla. Indeed I cannot flay mud I not go, 
 Nicholas ? 
 
 Nicb. Yes, you mufl go, go go go 
 
 \pufbing her out. 
 
 Wid. Be not alarmed, mifs, we are Mr. Or- 
 deal's intimate friends. 
 
 Nich. Yes, mils, they are our intimate friends. 
 
 Lady Flip. Come to vifit you, my dear. 
 
 Nicb. Yes ; they are come to vifit us, my 
 dear. 
 
 Wtd. Where is Sir Ordeal ? 
 
 Nicb. Out out out (Points to tie clofet.) 
 (Afide) we fhall have fwinging fun. 
 
 Cla. Ladies, farewell, (going.) 
 
 Wid. Fie, my dear, it would be impolite to 
 leave company. 
 
 Nicb. Mifs Clary , Manners makes the man 
 -we are teaching her the Latin lingo. 
 
 Wid. Are you very happy, my dear, on be- 
 ing on the verge of matrimony ? 
 
 Nicb.
 
 ( 3* ) 
 
 Nick. Speak, my dear. (Lady Flippant, and 
 tbe Widow ', ji 'and on each fide of Clara.) 
 
 Cla. I cannot fay I'm very happy ; nor I 
 cannot fay I am difpleafed , I do not wifh to 
 be married, nor have I any objection to a huf- 
 band Heigho ! 
 
 Lady Flip. But to confefs the truth, you have 
 no defire to marry Mr. Ordeal, he is fuch an old 
 fellow ; though if addreffed by a handfome, 
 wealthy, good natured youth, you'd Heigho ! 
 
 Cla. Do not fpeak difrefpectfully of my guar- 
 dian he is very kind to me. 
 
 Lady Flip. I approve your prudence in pre- 
 ferring an old lover to a young one ; after mar- 
 riage you will no longer be confined like an 
 infant j then you will enjoy fuch pleafure in 
 making his money fly, and in feeing him ap- 
 proach the grave. 
 
 Wid. But for fear he mould live too long, be 
 fure you get him a phyfician. 
 
 Nicb. A phyfician ! O, death ! 
 
 Cla. My guardian has taught me how a mar- 
 ried lady ought to conduct herfelf. 
 
 Wid. Let us hear, my dear pretty creature. 
 
 Cfa. I have it by heart ; he has taught mf, 
 that all young men are cunning and deceitful, 
 and that 1 muft never liften to or believe their 
 flattering tongues , that a man and his wife arc 
 one perfon, and mould act as if infpired by one 
 foul ! that a wife fhould not complain of her 
 hufband to her moft intimate friends, nor form 
 any connexions without his approbation. 
 
 Nicb. There's instruction for you ; you fee 
 \ve take care of her foul. 
 
 Cla. Moreover, he has taught me, that in pri- 
 vate a wif mould receive no company without 
 
 her
 
 ( 33 ) 
 
 her hufband's knowledge, and in public mould 
 not think herfelf protected but by his prefence 
 that Hie fhould obey him in all things, and 
 place her higheft delight in making him happy. 
 
 Lady Flip. Thefe were the duties of a wife in 
 the laft century,- but we will inftrucl: you in 
 the duties of a wife, who would cut a figure in 
 the polite circles of the prefent day. Sifter, 
 begin. 
 
 Wid. Muft confider matrimony & means to> 
 increaie liberty, and defy fcandal. 
 
 Lady Flip. Muft retain your favourite ci- 
 cifbeo, confidante, maid fervant and footman. 
 
 Nicb. That will be, I. 
 
 Wid. See whom you pleafe, where you pleafc, 
 and when you pleafe. 
 
 Cla. That muft be very pleafant ! go on. 
 , Lady Flip. Muft be miftrefs of your own 
 hoiirs;---turrt day into night, and night inta 
 day. . :. 
 
 Wid. Keep a feparate purfe, a feparate car- 
 riage, and a feparate bed. 
 
 Lady Flip. Never attend to ceconorny, but 
 fink, play, and fqiiander your money, to the 
 laft milling, and ftretch yoiir hufband's credit 
 to the utmoft. 
 
 Nicb'. Here is work cut out for rhantua- 
 makers and milleners. 
 
 Wid. You muft always diflimulate in con- 
 verfation with your huiband, and when you can- 
 hot deceive you muft infift if he oppofcs yout 
 will, rant^ and laugh at him. 
 
 Nicb. Ha, ha; ha! 
 
 Lady Flip. And if thefe fail, accufe him of 
 cruelty, figh, fob, weep, fcream out, and fall 
 into fits, 
 
 D Enttr
 
 ( 34 ) 
 Enter ORDEAL and DOUGLAS. 
 
 Ord. I can contain no longer ! out of my 
 houfe ! - 
 
 Lady Flip. Shame ! Shame ! What, liftening 
 to the private converfation of ladies ? 
 
 Ord. Private converfation ! open, abomina 
 ble inftrufticn, how can you anfwer to your 
 confcience, for attempting to poifon a young 
 creature's morals ! retire, retire, my lamb. 
 
 Cla. Farewell, ladies. 
 
 Wid. Adieu, pretty Clara. 
 
 Lady Flip. And remember our inftructions. 
 
 [Exit Clara. 
 
 Ord. Inflections ! r- down-right libertine 
 principles ! you may laugh, ladies, you may 
 laugh. Ha, ha, ha ! 
 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 '* Doug. Perhaps the ladies think their beauty 
 fufficient excufe for their levity, but ah, they 
 wrong- naething can atone for want of 
 
 elic.acy, without which there can be nae charms 
 in the face, nae elegance in the perfon. 
 
 Enter Colonel STAFF. 
 
 Col. Ordeal, your moil obedient call'-d at 
 your ladyfhip's houfe, and Mils Conftance in- 
 form'd me you were on a vifit here. 
 
 Wid. We came to fee Mr. Ordeal's pure na- 
 ture, and he has affronted us ! 
 
 Col. Affronted! impoflible ! 
 
 Doug. Haud your tongue, lady, ha'ud your 
 tongue ! levity degrades a woman, however 
 her name may be elevated by birth, teetle, or 
 fortin. 
 
 Col.
 
 ( 35 ) 
 
 Col Who are you ? 
 
 Doug. A man. 
 
 Nicb. Yes, and a fcholar ecod ! 
 
 Ord (to the women) Out of my houfe f 
 
 Lady Flip. I'll prophecy for your comfort* 
 if you niarry Clara fhe'll foon draw a comparifori 
 between your winter frown, and the fummer 
 fmiles of a pretty fellow. 
 
 Ord. I defpife your prophecy -Oracles have 
 long fmce ceafed -, when they exifted the devil 
 fyoke through them, which may be your lady- 
 fhip's cafe. 
 
 Col. Ordeal, take care, I wear a fword. 
 
 Doug. I weer a fword. 
 
 Col. Do you daar echo my words ? 
 
 Doug. Do you daar echo my words ? 
 
 Nichi Knock out his teeth with one of your 
 liard ones. 
 
 Col: Rafcal (raifes his handy. 
 
 Doug. Rafcal ! hear firft, and ftrike after,"* 
 you appear an officer, but I am convinced you 
 are nae foldier ; touch but a hair o* my heed" 
 your hand, and the dee'l gang away wi 
 gin I dinna fplit you through the crown. 
 
 Nich. Sir, Sir, mall I bring him the old 
 broad fword. 
 
 CoL There was juft fuch a fellow as this ac 
 the Havannah 
 
 Ord. There were feveral fuch fellows at the 
 Havannah^ and fuch fellows only could have 
 beaten the brave fellows who defended it, were 
 you there ? 
 
 Coli My regiment did fervice there and if it 
 had not been for a damn'd ague, but no mat- 
 ter, I overlook this fellow's infolerrce, but 
 Mr. Ordeal, you have been too fevere on the 
 ladies D 2 Doug.
 
 < 3* ) 
 
 Doug. Too fevere on the ladies I am your 
 echo again zounds, do you take the man for a 
 Shrove-Tide cock, fet up to receive blows 
 without returning them ? 
 
 Wid. Let's go, we are not likely to receive 
 protection from the Colonel. 
 
 Doug. I ken, madam, what you are. 
 
 Wid. Stand off, fellow 
 
 Col. Thefe are ladies of honour. 
 
 Dong. Their honour, like your courage, is 
 in their own poffeffion, but remember the cha- 
 racter of both is in the opinion of others. 
 
 Wid. Do you hear the fellow ? 
 
 Col. He's mad, and not worth notice. 
 
 Lady Flip. Were I Clara, I mould prefer a 
 young Indian, though fure of being his widow*, 
 and burning with him in a month, to living 
 with you for an age. 
 
 Col. Ordeal, you mail anfwer this but 
 
 Doug. But what dare you fay ? 
 
 Col. Say I fay my immediate duty is to 
 attend the ladies. 
 
 [Exit Colonel, Lady Flippant and Widow. 
 
 Ord. My brave Caledonian ! (Jhakcs hands) 
 but here, here, flep out and get yourfelf new 
 rigged-r-(/v Douglas money). 
 
 Nich. Yes, he is out of feather and wants 
 pluming. 
 
 Ord. But you, you firrah, if ever you let 
 thofe women enter my doors again, out you go 
 oh, what a fierce beaft, and a perilous 
 enemy to the commonwealth, is a wicked 
 womaji. Exeunt. 
 
 End of tbt S E c o N D ACT. 
 
 ACT III.
 
 ( 37 ) 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE I. 
 Enter Lady FLIPPANT SAVAGE and GRACE. 
 
 Grace. OH ALL I introduce the Gentleman, 
 l5 my lady ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Yes, no, yes, Grace. 
 
 Grace. I like the gentleman, becaufe he likes 
 your ladyfhip, and that Ihews him a man of 
 tafle I go. (going) 
 
 Lady Flip. Stay, Grace, let me confider, 
 this interview may be attended with all the ill 
 confequences of an illicit correfpondence. what 
 are you muling on Grace ? 
 
 Grace. I am thinking how very ugly Sir 
 Buzzard is in companion with your ladyfhip's 
 lover. 
 
 Lady Flip. Sir Buzzard's plainnefs, Grace, is 
 not his worft fault, it is hrs peevim afperity of 
 dilpofition renders him odious to me, Grace, 
 I will not fee this gentleman, it will endanger 
 my reputation. 
 
 Grace. Lay, my lady, but confider, my repu- 
 tation, my honour is pledged, he is a delight- 
 ful creature. Then confider what an airy, nice 
 drefled gentleman he is and confider, Sir Buz- 
 zard wears flannel under-waiftcoats, and fwan- 
 Ikin ftockings. 
 
 Lady Flip. Can I ever again face Sir Buz- 
 zard ? 
 
 Grace. If I was your ladylhip, I would not 
 
 face my lover too fuddenly, no, I would re- 
 
 D 3 clinc
 
 jdine upon the fopha, (fits ) loft in thinking, 
 fo, v/ith my fan lhading my face thus, and 
 every thing about me. degagee. 
 
 Lady klip. You fay he waits. 
 
 Grace. Or when the dear man approach'd, 
 turn fhort ftrike him with the full flam of my 
 charms, and fcream out. Ah ! (f creams and 
 ft arts up.) 
 
 ]^ady Flip. Are you mad, girl ? 
 
 Grace. A thoufand pardons, my lady, but 
 proteft I am befide myfelh Exit. Grace. 
 
 Lady Flip. There is no retracting, and I 
 think I will take him by furprife. I'll keep 
 up the appearance of refentment, and have the 
 fatisfaclion of hearing him humbly plead for 
 pardon- (fits 9 with her back to the door) 
 
 Enter GRACE, and WE i FORD fall dre/ed. 
 
 Grace. Now you muft acknowledge I arq 
 your friend. 
 
 Wei. My fweet girl, I do acknowledge it 
 
 Exit. Grace. 
 
 A fine figure ! (taps lady Flippant on thejbouldsr^ 
 Jbejiarts) Madam 
 
 Lady Flip. Heaven defend me ! 
 
 Wei. Not from an ardent lover ! 
 
 Lady Flip. (Afide) I cannot fcold the fell at 
 he looks fo pleafant ! Pray, Sir, by wh 
 warrant do you come here ? 
 
 Wei. I underftand from Mrs. Muflin, by 
 warrant from your own lips, but the warrant 
 is incompleat till your ladyfhip has affix'd the 
 privy feal to it (offers to kifs her). 
 
 Lady
 
 ( 39 ) 
 
 Lady Flip. A married woman can grant no- 
 thing without the confent of her huiband. 
 
 Wei. Well thought on -, but 1 do not come 
 unprepared, man and wife are one perfon, and 
 when a married lady gives me reafon to think 
 a tete-a-tete would not be difagreeable, I 
 always take care to bring my authority along 
 with me. 
 
 Lady Flip. But fuppofe a lady mould acknow- 
 ledge your authority ; your inclinations, -I 
 imagine, Sir, could no: eafily be attach'd to a 
 fingle object. 
 
 Wei. Yes they could, though I candidly 
 acknowledge I entertain an affedtion for the 
 whole fex. 
 
 Lady Flip. Then there is an individual you 
 prefer to the whole fex ? 
 
 Wei. There is. 
 
 Lady Flip. Handfome ? 
 
 Wei. Yes. 
 
 Lady Flip. Senfible ? 
 
 Wei. Yes. 
 
 Lady Flip. And you really prefer her 
 
 Wei. If I denied it I mould be infmcere and 
 unworthy your attention. 
 
 Lady Flip. And pray, Sir, may I enquire, 
 who is the favourite fair ? 
 
 Wei. Nay, the lefs we fay, or think of her, 
 the better, me is abfent 
 
 Lady Flip. Yes, Sir, 1 perceive me is* abfent 
 (walks about) and you too are abfent. 
 
 Wei. Yes, ihe is abfent, and Sir Buzzard 
 is abfent, and we are together,- -and you are a 
 fine v,oman, and I am 
 
 Lady Flip. What, Sir ? 
 
 D 4 Wei
 
 ( 40 ) 
 
 W-el. A man, a young man, not a very ill 
 made man, and a very well drefs'd man, with 
 a brifk flow of fpirits, a v/arm heart, and a foul 
 which at this inflant vibrates with fcnfibility. 
 
 Sir Buzzard (within). 1 fay it is faife, I left 
 all the papers in London 
 
 Lady Flip. I proteft Sir Buzzard is at the cloop 
 you muft be concealed again - 
 
 Wei. Unfortunate ! (Jbe pujbes Mm in) 
 
 Lady Flip. You cannot get out of that room 
 till J plejafe (fits) 
 
 Enter Sir BUZZARD SAVAGE, and GRACE 
 
 walking lame-. 
 
 Grace. 0h, mercy, Sir, you have ruin'd me; 
 oh, my lady, my lady, oh, oh, I fhall faint 
 with pain; juft when I got to the door, there 
 was my mafter, and not knowing it, I run plump 
 againit him, and he trod upon my foot, oh, 
 but it is much better. 
 
 Sir Buz. (fits) A mefienger is come down 
 from London for the title deeds of Profpect 
 Farm, do you know where they are ? 
 
 Lady Flip. What mould I know about your 
 mufty parchments ? 
 
 Sir Buz. Why not ? you fpend the rents fad 
 enough but I remember now, they are in a 
 box that lies in the wardrobe in that room, 
 and 
 
 Grate. La, Sir, I will get it. 
 
 Sir Buz. You are not tall enough to reach it. 
 
 Grace. But I can (land on a chair, Sir, though 
 I need not do that, our new footman is in the 
 elofet fettling your cloaths, Sir. yes, Sir,--- 
 
 our
 
 ( 41 ) 
 
 our new footman, Sir, is in the clofet fett'ling 
 your honour's wardrobe, and he'll help me. 
 
 Exit Grace. 
 
 Lady Flip, (afide) What can (he mean ? fhall 
 I defire Grace to bring the box out to you ? 
 
 Sir Buz. No, Jet the footman bring it out, I 
 have not feen him yet, Grace, bid the fellow 
 bring in the box. 
 
 Grace (within) He's taking it down, Sir. 
 
 Sir Buz. Leave it in the clofet, I muft get 
 fome other papers out of the fcrutore (rifes). 
 
 Enter GRACE and WELFORD in a Livery r , 
 with a box. 
 
 Grace. Come, young man, I'll get you my 
 lady's cards .for Wednefday's route, and they 
 muft be delivered immediately. ( 
 
 Lady Flip, (afide) What a metamorphofis ! 
 you'll be expeditious. 
 
 Sir Buz. A good looking fellow ; but ftand 
 off-, he is enough to fuffbcate a man with per- 
 fume ! What's your name, Civet Cat ? 
 
 Wei. (in ajlrong brogue) What's my name ? 
 I was chriften'd Patrick, your honour. 
 
 Sir Buz. An Irifhman ! eh, heav'n knows 
 we had blunders enough in the family before, 
 (looking on the box) this is the wrong box. 
 
 Exit Sir Buzzard into the clofet. 
 
 'Grace. Yes, we have all got into the wrong 
 box (afide). 
 
 Wei. When next we meet Exit. 
 
 Grace. Nothing could be more lucky, my 
 lady, the new livery that came home for your 
 laft footman George, lay in the bottom of my 
 matter's wardrobe. I muft fee him fafe out 
 
 Exit. 
 Lady
 
 ( 42 ) 
 
 Lady Flip. This is too mortifying, it hurts 
 my pride had I met a man of a generous dif- 
 pofition but here comes my torment, and 
 reflection flies. 
 
 Enter Sir BUZZARD witb WELFORD*J 
 Cloaths. 
 
 Sir Buz. I have found more than I fought 
 for, Lady Flippant , who am I to thank for 
 this addition to my wardrobe ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Thefe cloaths ! you mean thefe 
 cloaths ! he, he, he, they are really very 
 pretty cloachs you like them, my dear ? 
 
 Sir Buz. No, I don't like them, my dear ; 
 and who the devil did they come from, my 
 dear ? and to whom do they belong, my dear ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Elegant manufacture ! nothing 
 like it ma.de in England. 
 
 Sir Buz. Where did they come from ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Paris. . 
 
 Sir Buz. Who owns them ? 
 
 Lady Flip. They are your cloaths, my 
 love ! 
 
 Sir Buz. Mine ! Did you ever fee me wear 
 fuch frippery ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Yes, yours pofitively ; but I did 
 not intend you mould have feen them they 
 were fmuggled. 
 
 Sir Buz. Smuggled ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Yes, fmugglett from Paris, by my 
 milliner, and fent here for the purpofe of orna- 
 menting you, my fweet love ! 
 
 Sir Buz. Sweet love ! now that's fulfome * 
 yet thou art my fweet love ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Am I *(fmiUn.) 
 
 Sir
 
 ( 43 ) 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, like an apothecary's dofe, . 
 .my bitter fweet. 
 
 Lady Flip. How ill-natur'd I but no mat- 
 ter, you ihall wear thefe cloaths at the ball this 
 evening. 
 
 Sir Buz. I will not. 
 
 Lady Flip. You (hall. 
 
 Sir Buz. Damn me if I do. 
 
 Lady Flip. Very well, Sir, then I'll fend 
 'em back. 
 
 Sir Buz. They Ihall not he fent back, I 
 begin to like them, a good colour, and not 
 too gaudy. I'll keep them. 
 
 Lady Flip. Keep them ! 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, and wear them. 
 
 Lady Flip. Wear them,- where ? 
 
 Sir Buz. At the ball this evening. . 
 
 Lady Flip. I fear you will take cold. 
 
 Sir Buz. You wifh I mould take cold, but I 
 will not take cold, and 1 will wear the 
 cloaths 5 you lay out a revenue on your back, 
 and I will, at lead for this once, follow your 
 example. I'll keep the cloaths, and go to the 
 ball in them this evening. 
 
 Lady Flip. (AJi'de.) The fmuggled cloaths 
 are fairly forfeited. 
 
 Enter GRACE. 
 
 Grace. Dinner, ( my Lady ! (feeing tit 
 fkaths) blefs me ! 
 
 Lady Flip. (Apart.) Silence, all is well. 
 Sir Buzzard you fee found the cloaths I ordered 
 Mrs. Muflin to procure him from Paris. 
 
 Grace. Well, I am fure, Sir, my Lady has 
 fitted you nicely, and I admire her tafte, that 
 I 4o j but will you wear them, Sir ? Sir
 
 ( 44 ) 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, wear them, Sir ! 
 
 Grace. Not 'till after dinner, Sir. 
 
 Sir Buz. Directly, Mrs. Prate, I will fur- 
 prize the company in them : let dinner be 
 kept back. 
 
 [Exit Sir Buzzard with the cloaths. 
 
 Grace. It was good luck he did not find the 
 gentleman's fword yet little matter if he had, 
 for intriguing with an incumbrance about him ; 
 but how fhall I get him away ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Poor foul ! he muft have patience 
 contrive to convey him through the garden, to 
 a chair, he may pretend he is a fervant taken 
 ill, which will blind fufpicion. 
 
 [Exit Lady Flippant. 
 
 Grace. Well thought on, my Lady's no 
 fool, but fhe muft be a great fool indeed, who 
 could not make a fool of a hufband. 
 
 [Exit Grace, 
 
 SCENE II, Ordeal's Hcufe. 
 Enter NICHOLAS and CLARA. 
 
 Nich. He, he, he, lackadaify, Mifs Clara 
 the Scotchman looks gaily in his new cloaths, 
 : he is a brave youth,- what a leg (looks at 
 bis leg) but I have got more of the calf. 
 
 Cla. Yes, a good deal more calf, Nicholas ; 
 but what can be the reafon that while he's 
 teaching me, he fighs as pkeoufly as if in pain, 
 it goes to my heart to hear him without being 
 able to give him eafe. 
 
 Nich. Why why ecod now, Mifs Clary, 
 when you fpeak to me, h makes me figh, and 
 gives me the heart-burn. 
 
 Cla.
 
 ( 45 ) 
 
 Cla. What would you have me do, good Ni- 
 cholas ? 
 
 Nicb. What would I have you do ? I'll tell 
 you ecod I cannot but I'll tell you what the 
 Scotchman ought to do he, he ought. 
 
 Cla. What! 
 
 Nicb. Ecod, he ought to, -to Sugar and 
 Honey ! what red lips you have ! 
 
 Cla. What ought he to do ? 
 
 Nicb. What ought he to do ! why he ought 
 to how old are you ? 
 
 Cla. Do not tantalize me, Nicholas. 
 
 Nicb. Well, I will tell you, he ought to 
 blefs my eye.s, what a fine face me" has ! he 
 ought to he ought to what pretty buckles 
 yours are ! he ought to, well, make hands, 
 I will tell you (takes her band) foft as fattin, 
 he ought to ecod, I mould like to do it. 
 
 Cla. Do what ? 
 
 Nicb. I mean no offencebut he ought to 
 (ktffes bis hand] that's what he ought 
 
 Cla. Oh, fhame, Nicholas, fhame. 
 
 Nicb. What fhame ! liften to me, and I 
 won't go behind the bum with you my mafter 
 is a fool, and thinks nobody knows any thing but 
 himfelf Now, when I fee a young man and a 
 young lady together, and hear them figh, and 
 fee them ogle why, I figh myfelf, and I 
 I ecod, I know what's what. 
 
 Cla. And what is it you know, Nicholas ? 
 
 Nicb. That the Scotch fcheiard loves you, 
 and that you like the Scotch fcholard I'ze been 
 in love, and I'ze never think of it, but Oh, 
 but I can not tell you how it difturbs me 
 (ivbiftles.) 
 
 Cl*.
 
 C&. And I am difturbed too- heigh ho'? 
 SONG. 
 
 ; 
 
 What -wakes this new pain in my breaft ? 
 
 Tbis fenfe that lay dormant before ? 
 Lieftill, bufy fiutfrer, and reft, 
 
 The peace of my bofem reft ore. 
 
 What wakes', tc. 
 Why trickles in fdence the fear, 
 
 fbis ftghingah ! "job at does it mean ? 
 yhis mixture of hope and of fear> 
 
 Where cnce all was mild and ferem.- 
 
 What wakes, &c- 
 Some pleafingly anxious alarm^ 
 
 Now warms and then freezes my hearty 
 Some foft irri/iftible charm, . 
 
 Alternate gives pleafure and fmart. 
 
 What wakes, fc? t \ 
 
 Enter ORDEAL and DOUGLAS, in a mat 
 Scotch Drefs. 
 
 Ord. Clara, your tutor tells me, you make 
 an aftoniihing progrefs in your Grammar, and 
 I am to hear you fpeak a leflbn, bring chairs, 
 Nicholas (they fit). 
 
 Doug. Ha you got your Grammar, lady ? 
 
 Cla. Yes, Sir, 1 have been ftudying rny lafl 
 leflbn (takes a Grammar from her pocket}. 
 
 Doug. Be feated, lady, (they fit}. 
 
 Ord. Modeft creature !- how the bluih man- 
 tles on her cheek ! don't be afhamed, Clary--^- 
 Mac Claffic (takes Douglas afide) what a fub-
 
 ( 47 ) 
 
 jecl for fpeculadon fhe is an orange tree, pof- 
 fefling at once the fprightly verdure of the 
 fpring, the Iweet bloflbm of the fummer, and 
 the ripe fruit of autumn. It revives me to look 
 on her. 
 
 Nich. It revives us to look on you.--- 
 
 Ord. What think you of her eyes, they 
 (hoot arrows of defire into the heart, but on her 
 lips lies an honied falve to heal the wound. 
 
 Doug, (agitated) Will you hear her repeat a 
 leflbn ? 
 
 Ord. See her mouth, a door of coral, opening 
 to a colonade of pearl. 
 
 Nicb. Then her bofom, your honour. 
 
 Ord. Where the devil is the fellow going ? 
 ((hakes him). 
 
 Doug, (afide) My fpirits are fo agitated, I 
 mall betray myfelf. 
 
 Ord. Come, my lamb begin. there is a 
 mild creature, wax of my own fafhioning, and I 
 have moulded her into the very temper of my 
 affections.--- 
 
 Nich. She can give you Latin for every thing 
 about you. 
 
 Ord. Reflrain your tongue, firrah. Go on 
 with your leffon, fvveeteft, and never mind this 
 fellow. 
 
 Cla. (Tenderly) A mo, I love, (looks . at 
 Douglas) amas, thou loveft, (looks at Ordeal) 
 amat, he -loves ! 
 
 Doug. (Sighs) Oh ! 
 
 Cla. Arnamus, we love. Oh! (fighs) 
 
 Nich. He, he, he, amo I love ! 
 
 Ord. Silence, rafcal ! but, MacClaflic, are 
 the firfl lefToms in Lilly's grammar upon love ? 
 
 Doug.
 
 Doug. Aw grammars begin wi it, Sir -be- 
 caule love is the primaeval principle of nature; 
 
 Nich. He, he, he ! 
 
 Ord. Out of the room, you fcoiindrel ! 
 
 Nich. I go, zir. Amo, I love, amo, you love^ 
 amo, he loves, amo> we love, he, he, he ! 
 
 Exit NicholaSo 
 
 Doug. Shall we proceedj Sir. 
 
 Ord. If you pleafe. 
 
 Re-enter NICHOLAS. 
 
 Nich. There are three poor people below you 
 defired to call 
 
 Ord. I (hall return direftly. (Nicholas fol- 
 lowing) "Where are you going ? Stay here, 
 Clara may want fomething you'll give 
 her a new lefibn now, Mr. M'Claffick I think 
 (he has got enough of amo and amas. 
 
 Exit Ordeal. 
 
 Nicb. Zooks ! he's jealous, zure as a gun* 
 &nd left me here to watch you- but ecod, I'll 
 be no fpoil-fport - fo teach away I love, you 
 love-he loves. Exit Nicholas. 
 
 Cla. What are you mufing on ?--- 1 like to 
 hear your inftruftions when we are alone. 
 
 Doug, (aftde} To feduce fuch innocence would 
 be damnable , when you are married to Mr. 
 Ordeal, my inftructions will no longer pleafe, 
 you love him ? 
 
 Cla. I do indeed, as much as if he was my 
 father, but I never think of him when you ar<f 
 prefent. 
 
 Doug. Then you love him from gratitude ? 
 
 Cla, Juft fo ! could I have any other mo- 
 tive 

 
 ( 49 ) 
 
 tive r-^-If there be any other kind .of love, I 
 wifh you'd let me know it. 
 
 Doug. There is another kind, give me your 
 hand there is a love known by its effects, it 
 beats on the pulfe, trembles on the breath, gives 
 eyes to the thoughts, arid thoughts to the eyes. 
 
 Cla. O la ! then I'm fure you are in love, 
 for your eyes fpeak and laugh, why did you 
 touch rny hand ? -indeed indeed, Fm afraid 
 I have taken it from you I hope there's no 
 danger in it. 
 
 Doug. Love 5$ the child of defire, nufs'd by 
 delight weaned by inconftancy, confumed by 
 neglect, kill'd by difTembling, and buried by 
 ingratitude; 
 
 Cla. How cruel to kill it. 
 
 Doug. But then 'tis the parent of jealoufyj 
 the diluniter of friendmip, and caufe of difobe- 
 dience ; an arbitrary tyrant of the mind, that 
 triumphs over wifdom, tramples upon pru- 
 dence, and vanquimes even virtue; 
 
 Cla. O, you fright me with that defcription. 
 
 Doug. But where virtue is the bafis of this 
 pafiion, it produces the utmoft happinefs en- 
 joyed on earth, and gives mortals a tafte of 
 heaven \ 
 
 Cla. Now that is delightful ! and to tell you 
 the truth I have heard my guardian fpeak of it, 
 but I could never feel it in his hand as I did in 
 your's j he fays" love is fire full of cold 
 honey full of gall and pleafure full of pain;*' 
 -but I fee he knows nothing of the matter , 
 are you really in love ? 
 
 Doug. Yes, my dear, deeply deeeply ; 
 but why do you afk ? 
 
 Cla. Becaufe - 
 
 E
 
 ( 50 ) 
 
 Doug. Here comes Mr. Ordeal 
 Cla. (Afide) I wilh he was in Jericho. 
 
 Enter ORDEAL. 
 
 i Ord. Very well -very well here Nicholas ! 
 where's the rafcal ? Clara, my dear, feek him, 
 and give orders for dinner, there's a good 
 girl. (Kiffes her hand). 
 
 Cla. Heigho ! (looks at Douglas) (to Ordeal) 
 I obey, Sir. Exit Clara. 
 
 Ord. An amiable, modeft creature, Mr. 
 M'Claffic nothing ardent in her difpofition, 
 has no more idea of love than an infant, yet a 
 charming fertilizing conftitution, but chaile as 
 ice, " her heart like the lalamander cold, 
 cold, in the midfl of flame." 
 
 Doug. Virtue beams in her een, and animates 
 her countenance-, like the finifhing touches of 
 the painter, it enlivens the portrait, and in- 
 creafes the beauty of the object. 
 
 Ord. Poetically conceiv'd, and prettily pro- 
 nounc'd ; yes, fhe Ihrinks from the touch like 
 the lenfitive plant you have a prolific imagi- 
 nation, Mr. M'ClafifiCi confidering you come 
 from a northern climate (viewing Douglas) yet 
 Mr. M'Clafllc, there is no judging of a woman's 
 ehaftity, who has never been in the way of 
 temptation. 
 
 Doug. Very true, Sir. 
 
 Ord. And women are virtuous in proportion 
 to the temptations they withftand. 
 
 Doug. A juft conclufion, Sir. 
 
 Ord. Then you think it would be difficult to 
 find a young inexperienced girl proof againtt 
 promiies, fighs and tears and who could with- 
 itand the cunning insinuations of a lover. 
 
 Doug.
 
 ( 5'' ) 
 Certainly, Sir. 
 
 /. Well, I think differently ; I think t 
 could truit Clara but file's a nonparjil yes, 
 cool as a cucumber in a hot bed- yet not prone 
 to vegetation but M'Claffk, I have an expe- 
 riment to make, and you muft affift me. 
 
 Doug. Command me, Sir. 
 
 Ord. Clara I think is a pure lamb. 
 
 Doug. Sir, there can be no dodbt , but yoi* 
 were fpeaking of an experiment, Sir. 
 
 Ord. I have fortified her mind with morals^ 
 which will prove a mield to her by day, and a 
 breaft-plate by night. But the experiment- 
 you muil be my inftrument. 
 
 Doug. In what refpefl, Sir? 
 
 Ord. To found the depth of her inclinations, 
 to feel how the pulfe of her affedion beats 
 towards me. 
 
 Doug. Sir ! 
 
 Ord. If lhe fhould not like me- but that is 
 a point for future confederation if ihe fhould 
 like me I will marry her in the morning. 
 
 Doug. Marry her, Sir ! 
 
 Ord. Yes, marry her, Sir, 
 
 Doug. And in the morning. my heart! 
 and mufl: I lofe her after all ? 
 
 Ord. In the morning- I have had a fpecial 
 licence fometime yes, lhe loves me I know 
 me loves me and foon as we have dined, I 
 will go to Sir Buzzard's, to engage him and his 
 friends to attend the ceremony In the meaa 
 time you muft try the experiment- -come-in to 
 dinner, and I'll give you further inftructions. 
 ExsurJ Crdeal and Douglas, 
 
 o 
 
 Ena of the THIRD A c T. 
 
 2 ACT JV.
 
 ( 52 ) 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE I. Sir Buzzard's. 
 
 JLnter Sir BUZZARD and CHEATERLY. Sir 
 Buzzard in Welfares deaths. 
 
 Cheat. /CONSIDER, Sir Buzzard, we are 
 \^J( in danger of a difcoveey every in- 
 inftant. 
 
 Sir Buz. What can I do ? Would you have 
 me court the girl for you ? Befides, this bufi- 
 nefs raifes a qualm in my confcience. 
 
 Cheat. Confcience! 
 
 Sir Buz. Yes, confcience ! my conference 
 cannot boaft fuch extenfive latitude and longi- 
 tude as your's. you have a convenient con- 
 fcience, it ftretches or contracts like India rub- 
 ber ; your confcience is a fervant of all work 
 which you difcharge at a moment's warning. 
 
 Enter Colonel STAFF. 
 
 Col. May the fire of a platoon never again 
 raife my fpirits, but it would be better for a 
 man to attack a breach daily and on a forlorn 
 hope, than to fit down before a coquet. 
 
 Cheat. " Have you ever attacked a breach, 
 Colonel ?" 
 
 Sir Buz. You hear he has attacked a widow, 
 and upon a forlorn hope.'* 
 
 Col. I fay, Sir, your fifter is a coquet. 
 
 Sir Buz. I fay (he is a downright jilt. He 
 who confides in the fex will be deceived I de- 
 fpife them. 
 
 Cheat. Yet keep a girl in a corner. * 
 
 Sir JSuz.
 
 ( 53 ) 
 
 Sir Buz. " But not from affection to the girl, 
 I keep her becauie it pleafes my humour, and 
 vexes my wife." You know the lex but fu- 
 perficially ; there is my rib, when we married, 
 ihe was all delicacy and good humour, and from 
 her fmooth behaviour and oily tongue, I confi- 
 dered her a miracle of goodnefs. But the wind 
 foon veer'd about, and before the end of the 
 honey-moon blew a rank ftorm. 
 
 Col. " Talking of ftorms." 
 
 Sir Buz. " Hear me out Upon refufing to 
 indulge her in fome famionable fubfcriptions, 
 there was a total eclipfe of the amiable, her 
 paflion fwell'd like a roaring fea, producing 
 nothing but fury, outrage and noiie.'.' 
 
 Enter ORDEAL and WIDOW. 
 
 Ord. I forgive you, madam,- I forgive you 
 being determined to marry Clara in the morn- 
 ing. 
 
 Sir Buz. Ordeal, I understand they have been 
 abufing you but their beft friends cant 'fcape 
 their malignity they have tongues of charcoal, 
 with which they are for ever blackening or burn- 
 ing characters. 
 
 Ord. I lhall immediately fet off with my 
 bride for London, from whence we will pro- 
 ceed on the grand tour. 
 
 Cheat. Have not I heard you exclaim againft 
 the grand tour. 
 
 Ord. You have heard me exclaim again ft 
 fending our youth abroad without a proper con- 
 troul. You have heard me fay, that on fuch 
 expeditions they too often contaminate their na- 
 tive virtue and conftitutions, by bartering the 
 honeft habits acquired in old England, for the 
 E 3 gcw-
 
 ( 54 ) 
 
 g^w-gaw ornaments, and defpicable effeminacie 
 of the Continent. 
 
 Wid. Pray, Mr. Ordeal, what retinue do you 
 travel with ? 
 
 Cheat. The young Scotchman, Pure Nature's 
 tutor, no doubt will make one. 
 
 Sir Buz. I wifh he may not make two ; I 
 ipeak my mind, Ordeal. 
 
 Wid. What, the Colonel's friend ! fplit you 
 through the crown ? 
 
 Col. She is at it again 7 madam, you ftiould 
 recoiled.^ 
 
 Wid. Then I fuppofe you will no longer re- 
 ftrain her tafte in drefs -but allow her to throw 
 off her preient thin attire, and appear like a fa- 
 fhionable chriftian,- in feathers and a hoop. 
 
 Ord. A hoop ! no it makes a woman ap- 
 pear like a walking fphere, encircled from the 
 nadir to the meridian and if the effeminacy of 
 the men was not fo well known, one would be 
 apt to imagine that the women were all in a 
 ftate of But I will not fpeak my mind now, 
 though it is my way. 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 Serv. Coffee is ferved in the faloon, madam. 
 Cheat. Have you feen Mifs Conftance ? (afide 
 to the fervant). 
 
 Serv. I believe, Sir, me is reading in the 
 
 garden. Exit Servant. 
 
 Ord. Sir Buzzard, I admire your drefs, 
 
 you look as fine as as the King of Pruffia 
 
 in wax-work. 
 
 [Exit Ordeal. 
 
 Col. (To the widow) fhall I have the honor 
 of your hand, Madam ? 
 
 WtJL
 
 ( 55 } 
 
 Wid. No, Sir, I mall never give my hand to 
 a man who has loft my good opinion. 
 
 {Exit Widow. 
 
 Col. (T& Sir Buzzard) Do you hear that ? 
 
 Cheat. After her. 
 
 Sir Buz. After her purfe you mean. 
 
 Col. Capricious woman ! (running turns round) 
 I once knew a Major 
 
 Sir Buz. Know the Widow, man. 
 
 Col. A Major in the forty-fecond. 
 
 Cheat. Away with you. (they pujh him out). 
 
 [Exit Colonel. 
 
 Cheat. You will excufe me to the ladies 
 Conftance you hear is in the garden, I will feek 
 her, and for thelaft time plead my -pafiion, but 
 if me perfeveres in rejecting my addrefies, I have 
 your confent to carry her by ftratagem. 
 
 [Exit Cheated/. 
 
 Sir Buz. Carry her off any way and I will 
 be fatisfied. [Exit Sir Buzzard. 
 
 SCENE IT. A Grotto: 
 
 Conftance dif covered fitting, Jleeping, with a hand- 
 kerchief over her face- a book near her. 
 
 Enter CHEATERLY. 
 
 Cheat. Afleep ! to difturb her would offend 
 delicacy and I muft footh her, I will fit here 
 till me wakes, here comes one of the fer- 
 vants. (Retires}. 
 
 Enter W E L F o R D. (His fword under his arm. ) 
 
 Wei. How my landlady will laugh to fee me 
 thus caparifon'd,--a woman fleeping, by the 
 God of Love! what a fortunate fellow am I! 
 E 4 no.
 
 ( 56 ) 
 
 -r-no fooner does one adventure vanish than ano- 
 ther prefents itfelf to my view how gently (he 
 breathes, the gale is reviving, (Jhefigbs) a 
 figh of fenfibility, -poor foul ! it were pity fhe 
 fhould figh in vain. Yes, I will fee her face, (takes 
 off the handkerchief ) O, Heaven's ! it is Con- 
 ftance my life ! r my heaven ! (embraces her). 
 Con. Help ! oh, help ! 
 
 Enter CHEATERLY. 
 
 Cheat. Unhand the lady, villain ! 
 
 Con. O, heavens, it is De Courcy ! 
 
 Wei. Ha ! is it you ? I have met my blefiing 
 and my curfe. 
 
 Cheat. De Courcy ! 
 
 WeL I have been your dupe, Sir, and I know 
 it. Am well informed of thofe combinations 
 by which you defrauded me, and am deter- 
 min'd, Sir, to give the law it's courfe. 
 
 Cheat. I fcorn to retort your aflertions, you 
 have been a dupe to your own folly. Pride, ancj. 
 high founding language but ill fuit with the 
 meannefs of your appearance, aflumed for the 
 purpofe of fome low intrigue, metamorphofe 
 into a gentleman, and I'll enforce fatisfa&ion for 
 this infolence. [Exif Cheaterly. 
 
 Con. O, I {hall faint. 
 
 Well. My dear love, pardon the moment- 
 ary neglect into which paffion led me. I have 
 been but one day in England tomorrow I 
 fhould have gone for York, my foul was all im- 
 patience to fee you. 
 
 Con. What, in a livery! 
 
 WeL A livery yes, it is a difguife I own, 
 worn for a purpofe I'll not attempt to palliate 
 
 or
 
 ( 57 ) 
 
 or juftify but your appearance like a heavenly 
 vifion infpires me with virtuous thoughts. 
 
 Con. I do not urge an explanation which muft 
 increafc your confufion. 
 
 Wei. I will explain all another time. Here 
 comes fome of the family. 
 
 Enter {Sir BUZZARD and ORDEAL. 
 
 Sir Buz. Thefe alarms will ruin my conftitu- 
 tion, it was fortunate I took bark this morn- 
 ing, or my whole nervous fyftem would be 
 fhaken to pieces. Where is this gentleman ? 
 Cheaterly tells me a ftranger has been rude to 
 you, have you turn'd him out, Patrick ? 
 
 Con. (To Ordeal) Sir, I fhall fend a letter to 
 your houfe immediately, to which I implore 
 your attention I am wretched, you were my 
 father's friend. 
 
 Ord. Madam, if I was not, I am a man, and 
 every thing that affefls my fellow-creatures 
 concerns me. [Exit Conftance. 
 
 Sir Buz. Patrick, do you hear? no anfwer, 
 I mail never recover my health, don't ir- 
 ritate me, rafcal. 
 
 Wei. Rafcal ! to whom do you addrefs your- 
 felf? 
 
 Sir Buz. To you, fcoundrel. 
 
 Wei. Why, you defpicable, that epithet 
 again, and this fword. 
 
 Sir Buz. This is no Iriftiman ! -what the de- 
 vil is become of your brogue ? who are yuu ? 
 
 Wei. f\ gentleman '--- 
 
 Ord. A gentleman ! ha, ha, ha, this is good ! 
 f -a gentleman in a livery ! but which are you ? 
 
 a gen-
 
 a gentleman in waiting, or a gentleman of the 
 road ? 
 
 Sir Buz. Ah, ah ! I now fee how I came by 
 the new fuit, fmuggled from Paris. 
 
 Ord. The fervant is mad, and Sir Buzzard 
 has caught the contagion. 
 
 Sir Buz. I have it here. (Striking his head.} 
 
 Ord. What have you there? 
 
 WeL Nothing that I know of, upon my 
 honor. 
 
 Ord. Nothing in your matter's head ! How 
 dare you joke with your betters, young man ? 
 
 Sir Buz. I mail be the laughing-ilock of fools 
 and jeit of the malignant. 
 
 Enter GRACE. 
 
 Grace. Oh, dear, dear, fure there is no harm 
 done ! It is all my fault, Mifs Conftance is 
 ready to break her heart ; you muft know, Sir, 
 I was the only perfon in the houfe who knew 
 this gentleman, he is her lover, and he wheedled 
 me, and wheedled- me, till I cohfented to bring 
 him into the houfe, and fo I (hut him into my 
 lady's clofet. 
 
 Wei. The girl tells the truth. 
 
 Ord. He is a gentleman, and you fhut him up 
 in your lady's clofet. (To Sir Buzzard.) Now, 
 I fee what you conceive in your head. 
 
 Grace. And fo, Sir, my lady coming in, 
 the gentlemen was oblig'd to lie clofe. 
 
 Sir Buz. And he wheedled you, and wheedled 
 you, " And he lay clofe, Eh" and he never 
 faw your lady ? 
 
 Grace. Never faw her, as I hope to be faved ! 
 
 Wei You hear the girl fwear.
 
 ( 59 ) 
 
 Old. O, it's plain there was nothing between 
 them. 
 
 Grace. " Nothing between them indeed, Sir, 
 that is the naked truth." [*;'/ Grace. 
 
 Sir Buz. Then give me leave, Sir, to enquire 
 who you are ? and what are your pretenfions. to 
 vifit my niece ? 
 
 Wei. As to my pretenfions, Sir, nothing can 
 be better founded, I love the lady, but what 
 is ftill more material, the lady has long fmce 
 confefs'd that me loves me. 
 
 Qrd. Candid and open. 
 
 Sir Buz. And your name is De Courcy ? 
 
 Wei. TO that name I was born, but an old 
 good natured uncle taking it into his head to vifit 
 elizium in obedience to his will, and in gra- 
 titude for fixteen hundred pounds a year, I now 
 bear the name and arms of Welford. 
 
 Ord. You feem an honeil fellow, worthy the 
 love of Conftance. 
 
 Sir Buz. What is his honefty to me ? I am to 
 inform you, Sir, the father of Conftance is 
 dead -, I am her natural guardian, and you mail 
 never have my confent to marry her. 
 
 Wei. May I never obtain her confent, if ever 
 I afk ycurs. 
 
 Sir Buz. She has not a fhilling fortune. 
 
 Wei. I am glad of it, I have fufficient for- 
 tune for both, I will fettle a fortune on her. 
 
 Ord A fellow of noble generofity ! 
 
 Sir Buz. There is a gentleman, I am deter- 
 mined (he (hall marry. 
 
 Wei. Mark me, let that gentleman be whom 
 he may, ff he prefumes to fpeak to her, write 
 to her, or even thinks of her as a wife, I mail 
 
 make
 
 C &> ) 
 
 make him fuch an example but this is lofing 
 time, farewell, I muft wait on Conftance. 
 
 (going.) 
 
 Sir Buz. (Oppojing him.) You lhall not go 
 an inch into my houfe, that is your way out. 
 
 Wei. I will go into any man's houfe, Sir, 
 where fhe is, debar me accefs to my love ! 
 Were you the Grand Signor, arid detain'd her, 
 I would force into the inmoit recefles of your 
 feraglio, put you to death in the midft of your 
 Janifiaries, and carry her off in triumph. 
 
 Ord. I do not often fwear, it is not my way, 
 but damn me if I would not aflift you. 
 
 Sir Buz. Nay, then we muft try your cou- 
 rage, (lays his hand upon his favor dj O, for an 
 ejlringent to brace my nerves. 
 
 Wei. Excufe me from running you through 
 the body while you wear my cloaths ; that coat 
 is in excellent tafte, and J cannot think of 
 running it through the body. 
 Ord. A ibldier, and a wit ! 
 Sir Buz. Take it, take it ; (throws <$"WeU 
 fordV ccat)---nQvf let me fee if you get 
 into my houfe. (draws.) 
 
 Ord. What, going to fight a duel ! Oh, for 
 fhame ! duelling is a mode of fatisfaction 
 unworthy gentlemen, practis'd now by every 
 vulgar fellow -,- people of fafhion fhould ex* 
 plode it. 
 
 Sir Buz. (Trembling.) You know I pay great 
 refpect to your opinion, and if, but he (hall 
 not go into my houfe. 
 
 Ord. Confider what an improper place for 
 quarreling. 
 
 Well. You are right, Sir, this is too cold a 
 fituation for dripping , (takes up the cloaths 
 
 tnd
 
 ( 61 ) 
 
 and bands them to Ordeal.) now for Conftance, 
 love, and happinefs. [Exit Welford, running. 
 
 Ord. Bravo, my boy ! bravo ! 
 
 Sir Buz. Sure fome malign devil has deter- 
 min'd to make me ridiculous ! let me after 
 him. (Ordeal holds him.) 
 
 Enter Lady FLIPPANT, MUSLIN, and GRACE. 
 
 Lady Flip. Are you mad, Sir Buzzard ? 
 Sir Buz. Stark mad ! 
 Ord. Nearly ftark naked mad. 
 Sir Buz. The cloaths, the fmuggled cloaths 
 you provided for me. 
 
 Ha, ha, ha! 
 
 Sir Buz. Away ! you old - get home ; 
 perhaps your Scotch tutor may prepare Pure 
 Nature for the grand tour, and provide you 
 more company than you expect. Why did I 
 marry ? why plunge into a mortal difeafe, for 
 which there is no remedy but poifon, no re- 
 lief but dea'.h ? {Exit Sir Buzzard. 
 
 Ord. Can I fee Conftance ? 
 
 Lady Flip. She is lock'd up in her own apart- 
 ment to avoid her lover. 
 
 Ord. To avoid him ! He is a noble fellow, 
 and me muft have him ; 1 will in to Sir Buz- 
 zard, and argue this cafe : He prefumcs to 
 controul this young lady, his niece, by paren- 
 tal authority; but I will convince him, the 
 principle of that authority is to make our chil- 
 dren or wards happy, not miferable. 
 
 [Exit Ordeal. 
 
 Muf. Sir Buzzard is in a horrid rage. 
 
 Lady Flip. I muft contrive to appeafe him. 
 Conftance I fuppofe has her fufpicions ; ah 
 
 amiable
 
 ( 62 ) 
 
 amicable girl I really love her, pity her fitua- 
 tion, and am determined never to fee Welford 
 again, but for the purpofe of facilitating a 
 marriage between them. I muft alfo effectuate 
 a breach between my fifler and this pufilani- 
 rrous colonel. 
 
 Muf. That may be eafily accomplifhed--the 
 widow has no fmall mare of vanity. 
 
 Lady Flip. True ! 
 
 Muf. We muft perfuade her me was the ob- 
 ject of Mr. Welford's admiration. 
 
 Grace. I will fwear he brib'd me to introduce 
 him to her. 
 
 Muf. And I will contrive to get her and the 
 gentleman together at my ho life, and yoi r 
 ladyfhip (hall lend the Colonel to lurpirze them, 
 which will produce an irreconcileable quarrel. 
 
 Lady Flip. Here comes the widow- --do you 
 lay the train. 
 
 Enter tie widow VOLATILE. 
 
 Wid. De Courcy is gone, after a very loud 
 altercation with Cheaterly, which terminated in 
 mutual vows of vengeance ; he charges Cheater iy 
 with having impofed on him at play. 
 
 Lady Flip. There is nothing fcandalous in that 
 play has become a fcience, fafhionable in prac- 
 tice, and like other faux pas, 'tis only blameablc 
 in difcovery. Pray how has Conftance behaved ? 
 
 Wdi. Remains locked up in her own room, 
 and perfeveres in denying an interview to her 
 lover :- this De Courcy is in my opinion a 
 charming fellow. 
 
 Lady Flip. But I muft know for what pur- 
 pole he was brought into my clofet. I am 
 certain Confcance was not the object , ib fpeak, 
 Grace. 
 
 Grace. 
 
 I
 
 ( 63 ) 
 
 Grace. Well, my lady, -the truth is, the 
 gentleman came after the widow. 
 
 Lady Flip. I thought ib, -this duplicity, 
 lifter, hurts me. 
 
 Grace. Dear, my lady, it is all my fault, 
 
 the gentleman faw Mrs. Volatile at the play with 
 your ladyfhip, and fent for me in the morning 
 and,- -but am 1 fure of pardon if I tell ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Yes, if you tell nothing but the 
 truth. 
 
 Grace. Well, my lady, the poor young gen- 
 tleman to be fureiwore bitterly he was fmitten ; 
 by all the Gods, fays he, me is one of the 
 moft beautifuleft, moft youngeft, and moft ele- 
 ganteft creatures my eyes ever beheld f but I, 
 telling him as how me was pofitively engaged to 
 colonel Staff, then he began to curfe. 
 
 Wid. Why prefume to tell him fo ? Who 
 gave you knowledge of my engagements ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Hear the girl, fifterj (ajide) flic's 
 caught. 
 
 Grace. Db'nt be angry, madam, I told him, 
 madam thinking no harm, and fo he curs'd, 
 and calPd on Heaven, and poor gentleman 
 figh'd fo, that I took pity on him, and by his 
 perfuafions and promifes brought him into the 
 clofet, where he was to have been concealed, 
 Yes, ma'am 'till I could have contriv'd to 
 have brought you into the room, which I fhould 
 have done, but that my lady firft came, and 
 then Sir Buzzard, who made up the noife that 
 difturb'd the houfe. 
 
 Lady Flip. You are an impudent girl, go 
 wait in my drefiing-room 'till my coming. 
 
 Grace. Yes, my lady,- but oh, fure, you 
 do'nt intend to difcharge me,- whut could I do 
 
 when
 
 ( 64 ) 
 
 when fo pretty a gentleman knelt to me, and 
 cried to me for afiiftance and fqueez'd my 
 hand, and forc'd a purfe into my boibm Oh ! 
 oh ! (crying^ apart to the widow) you will 
 fpeak to my lady. 
 
 Wid. I will, Grace ! (apart) there (gives mo- 
 ney) let me fee you presently. 
 
 Exit Grace, laughing. 
 
 A pretty fcheme this ! your maid, Lady 
 Flippant, has ufed me well did I ever make 
 any pofitive engagements with the Colonel ? 
 
 La. Flip. I hope not, but really you take 
 fuch pains to torment each other, I was appre- 
 henfive you were privately married. 
 
 Wid. Heav'n forbid ! I have been pru- 
 dently confidering the Colonel's fituation fome 
 time paft his eflate I underftand has been 
 long languiming in a decline, and his creditors 
 no doubt are in expectation of mine. 
 
 La. Flip. Then to beftow it on Welford- 
 think of the pleafure of fweet five and twenty 
 Jmiling upon you from morning 'till night. 
 
 Miif. And from night to morning think of 
 that, madam. 
 
 La. Flip. Then our triumph over a girl of 
 fuch beauty as Conftance the buz of the po- 
 lite world, and their impertinent ill-nature. 
 
 Wid. Certainly there are inducaments. 
 
 La. Flip. Inducements ! you will have the 
 exquifite fatisfadion of being lampoon'd, epi- 
 gramm'd, and paragraph'd- or perhaps be 
 etch'd in aqua fortis, and (luck up in the print 
 fhops. Then to have the tribe of antiquated 
 maidens, difgufted wives, and difappointed wi- 
 dows railing at your prudence, yet envying 
 
 vour
 
 ( 65 ) 
 
 your fitiunion -" Lord blefs us!" -ejaculates 
 Lady Toothlefs, ' I wonder at her indifcrction,- 
 to marry a man fo young. The Colonel would 
 have been much morj fukable'."- Then (he 
 takes five years from your lover's age, and adds 
 to your's " That's he ! that's he !' ex- 
 claims Mils Squir.tum, as (he agles from a fide 
 box, with one eye worn out in fearching for 
 defects in beauty, and the other on the decline 
 ---" That's he, but I cannot perceive what 
 (he faw in the fellow , he is as plain a's herfelf 
 -and I wonder how women can follow fel- 
 lows." -The blooming youth hands you to 
 your feat the whole circle (tare at you a gene- 
 ral whifper's breath'd roundyou gaze in return 
 with perfect compofure falute your acquaint- 
 ance- adjult your tucker, giggle behind youf 
 fan, afliime a perfect indifference, whifper your 
 handfome hufband to mortify them, and 'laugh 
 out to fhevr your inward fatisfaction and ineffa- 
 ble contempt. 
 
 JVid. But how is- all this to be brought about? 
 
 Muf. Call at my houfe within an hour, and 
 if I do not fettle it,- difcard rrie from your con- 
 fidence. - 
 
 Lady Flip. She fhall be punctual com?, 
 filler, I fee you were unacquainted with you 
 lover's paflicjiv-but you muft acknowledge 
 ] had diffident caufe for fufpicion. 
 
 Wid. Yet you mud allow there was no deceit 
 on niv part. [Exit Widow. 
 
 Muf- You have play'd your part admirably. 
 
 Lady Flip. Yes, Muflin, all good actrefles 
 tn? not upon the ftnge. 
 
 [Exeunt Lady Flippant 
 
 F SCENE 
 
 .
 
 SCENE III. Orders Houft, 
 
 Enter DOUGLAS, CLARA, and NICHOLAS. 
 
 Nicb. You are no longer a Scotchman I zee . 
 
 Doug. Yes, Nicholas, I have only laid afide 
 the tone and accent, but am (till a Scotchman ; 
 J have no reafon to be afhamed of my country, 
 and I truft my country will never have reafon to 
 be afharned of me. 
 
 Nicb. Why zee matter, I could never zee any 
 difference between your Englifh and Scotch *, 
 though to be zure I could hear it in their fpeak- 
 ing, and that is the only difference I think 
 mould ever be between ti.em-, but take a fool's 
 advice now, make the belt ufe of your time. 
 
 Exit Nicholas. 
 
 Doug. "What employs your thoughts, my 
 love ? 
 
 Cla. In truth, love itfclf ; if the pleafing de- 
 fcription you have given me be true, and I 
 have no reafon to doubc your veracity, to live 
 with thofe we love mud be the extent of human 
 happinefs ; but then, Mr. Ordeal has told me 
 that your fex often rc-quite t'.ie molt fincere paf- 
 fion with cold indifference. 
 
 Doug. The charge is too true , but my affec- 
 tion can only ceafe with life, 
 
 Cla- I owe every thing to Mr. Ordeal's good- 
 nefs, and the very arguments you urged to 
 .gain my love, pcribtcte me aaainft bting un- 
 grateful !---obedience s the only return I ran 
 inake his kindneft, and how can 1 difobey him, 
 my heart inform? me thar ir,i/r.iiMf!f i- 
 
 & >e
 
 ( 67 ) 
 
 pne of thofe heinous fins at which Heaven is moft 
 uffended ? 
 
 Doug. It is true, no quality of the foul is 
 more lovely than gratitude ; but Mr. Ordeal 
 js not actuated by pafiion, he offers you his 
 hand from motives of generofity, not love, all 
 you owe him is friendship, which an union with 
 me could not dimn.ifh, 
 
 Cla. You can perfuade me to any thing; 
 you fwear you love me, I believe you, and 
 if the pleafure I take in feeing you, and hearing 
 you, and the pain I feel when you leave me, 
 be love, 1 love you above all things. 
 
 Re-enter NICHOLAS. 
 
 Nich. Have you fettled every thing ? 
 
 Doug. Good Nicholas, do not interrupt her. 
 
 Nicb. Who, I, a fpoil-iport ! mum ! 
 
 [Exit Nicholas* 
 
 Chi. Would not my confenting to marry you 
 be injuftiee to my benefactor ? 
 
 Doug. The value I fet upon your love is fuch, 
 I would not aqcept it, but as the voluntary gift 
 of your foal ! I will obtain Mr, Ordeal's con- 
 frnt. 
 
 Cla. Then I am for ever yours. (He kijjes bcr 
 band.) 
 
 Enter O R o E A I and N I c fj o i A s. 
 
 Orj. (<$&)* hat do 1 fee ! 
 Clfl But when will you obtain his eonfent \ 
 Onl Never, 
 6/2. O, we arc undone. 
 QrJ. (to Douglas) Is this the way you repay 
 my conljJence r and you, fts Clara) innocent 
 F a mif?,
 
 mifs, is this a grateful return for years of kind- 
 nefs ? But (to Nicholas) what (hall I fay to 
 you, rafcal ! you, whom I thought watchful as 
 a lynx, have flumber'd like another Argus 
 were your eyes piped into a nap by this Mer- 
 cury, or was your mouth Hopped by a fop, Mr. 
 Cerberus ? 
 
 Nicb. Yes, I loves a fop but I will be 
 called no names zee mafter, our bargain is 
 thi, a month's warning, or a month's wages ; 
 zo, pay me, and I'll go, but remember it was 
 not I brought maifter M'Claflic into the houfe. 
 
 [Exit NIC u. 
 
 "Doug. Your refentment, Sir, mutt fall folely 
 upon me I only have deceiv'd you, a word 
 in private, (takes Ordeal afide) could human 
 nature repel the influence of fuch beauty ?- 
 (points to Clara) had I been lefs honourable, or 
 Clara lefs virtuous, I might now perhaps be 
 impofing upon your credulity a (educed maid, 
 with a vitiated mind : I am young, Clara is 
 pure nature,- -the experiment I have made was 
 dangerous. 
 
 Ord. But you were only to have made the ex- 
 periment to try how far her inclinations coincided 
 with mine. 
 
 Doug. Confider, flie was an orange tree. 
 
 Ord. You were to have been the inftrumenr,' 
 for promoting my h.ippinefs. 
 
 Doug. She pofleh'd the verdure of the 
 fpring 
 
 Ord. Hear me ! 
 
 Doug. The bloflbm of the fu miner 
 
 Ord. Hear m ! 
 
 Doug. The ripe fruit of autumn. 
 
 Ord. Ami vou \vould conficK-r nit j trie I 
 leaf in winter -hear me, Sir 1 ---
 
 C 6 9 ) 
 
 you not been urging the temptations of pleafurc 
 to feduce her into your own defigns ?--- have you 
 not alienated her affections from me ? 
 
 Doug. Sir, I came into your houfe for die 
 very purpofe of gaining her love. 
 Ord. Who are you," Sir ? , 
 
 Doug. A foldier my name Douglas, -mv 
 fortune a competency, --my country Scotland- 
 the lame perfon who affiftcd you when attack'd 
 by ruffians on Marlborough Downs. 
 
 Cln. The kind gentleman in whofe arms I 
 fainted ! 
 
 Doug. From the firft inftant I faw her, my 
 foul caught the infpiration of virtuous love. 
 
 Ord. You are unfalhionable, Sir, from the 
 difllpated converfation of the young fellows of 
 the times, one would imagine there was neither 
 honefty in man, nor chaltity in woman ;--- but 
 your conduct contradicts their afperfions. 
 
 Doug. It is too true, the arts of fed net ion 
 are fo feduloufly ftudied, that honeft love ap- 
 pears in danger of being extirpated. 
 
 Ord. There are many, many melancholy 
 examples ; but be allured, young man, 
 though fenfual pleafgres arife from ieducing 
 jftfiocence, it is plucking blofibms from afweet- 
 briar, which will rankle in the flefli. 
 
 Doug. Your obfervation, Sir, is juft, though 
 it does not apply to me. 
 
 Ord. " My cenfure does -not fall f^lely on 
 youth, no, the gardens of beauty an. i iniDCi-nc,- 
 are allb defpoil'd by old debilitated wretches, who 
 cannot cultivate the foil, but lay wafteits beau- 
 .ti,es." 
 
 Cla. Do you forgive me, Sir ? 
 
 F 3 0-<7.
 
 Ord. I blame you not* I am your debtor 
 for many inftances of duty and affection -, 
 
 look on her, Douglas ; yet her beauty 
 
 is the leaft of her excellence, but as it 
 
 is a principal part of benevolence to aflift ano- 
 ther moft when there is moft need of afiiftance, 
 and that you need not owe too much to the 
 generofity of your hufband,- as you cannot be 
 my wife, I adopt you for my child -love in- 
 fpires its votaries with fentiment, and I acknow- 
 ledge the benign influence. (Joins their hands.} 
 
 Doug. You weep, my lovely Clara ! 
 
 Ord. And fo do you, and fo do I, 
 
 1 fee, you are all joy, but, my children, 
 
 the tranfports of a virtuous pafllon are the leaft 
 f>arts of its happinefs, we will this inflant t(J 
 Sir Buzzard Savage's,- a young lady, his niece, 
 calls for my protection* 
 
 Doug. You mean Conftance Heartfree ! young 
 De Gourcy, of York, my particular friend, is, 
 1 believe, betrothed to her. 
 
 Ord. You are right ; take your bride by the 
 hand ; the women will laugh at me for lofing 
 her, but I am above the laugh of the world, and 
 I will laugh at the world in my turn,-that is my 
 Way. 
 
 End of tit FOURTH ACT," 
 
 ACT
 
 ( 7' ) 
 ACT. V. 
 
 SCENE I. Lady Flippant' s Dre/ing Room. 
 
 Enter LADY FLIPPANT. 
 
 Lady Flip. /TT^HE ftorm bends this way, and 
 J[ here will I meet it. (Sits down, 
 and takes a book.} 
 
 Enter Sir BUZZARD and GRACE. 
 
 Sir Buz. (Pujhing Grace before him} you fliall 
 inftaritly march out of my houfe. (Pujhes her.) 
 
 Grace. My lady fcorns your fufpicions. 
 
 Sir Buz. Stop your gabble, you " diminitive 
 pandar in petticoats ! It is clear that Conftance 
 was ignorant of Welford's arrival in England !--- 
 it is apparent he did not come to my houfe after 
 her. What, is your noble blood at a lofs for an 
 txcufe ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Who has inftilled jealoufy into 
 that head or yours, barren of every thing but 
 what is monftrous ! (Reads.) 
 
 Sir Buz. It is your Ladymip has made my 
 head monftrous. 
 
 Enter Colonel STAFF. 
 
 Col. Sure the devil inftigates fome women I- 
 the widow 
 
 Sir Buz. Do not throw the blame on the 
 poor devilit is nature inftigates them, and (he 
 is to the full as fubtle and certain in her 
 operations. 
 
 Col. I jufl now fpoke to her as me ftept out of 
 
 a chair-imo Mrs. Muflin's, and in return was 
 
 F 4 (hot
 
 fiiot through the heart with a look of ill-nature 
 
 and contempt if I was not the cooleft fellow 
 
 in the fervice, I'd run /nad, aye,- mad, mad-- 
 
 Lady Flip. You would have caufe to run mad, 
 if you knew me is now at Mrs. Muflin's, en- 
 joying a tete-a-tete with Welford. 
 
 Col. Impofllble! 
 
 Grace. I am ready to take my oath of if! 
 (to Sir Buzzard] the truth is, I told a great 
 lie to your honour. 
 
 Sir Buz. O, confound me, but I believe 
 you now. [Exit Grace. 
 
 Col. The widow gone to W r elford, on an 
 aflignation ha ! ha ! ha ! I will after her thjs 
 inftant, and cut his throat ! No, I will not 
 itir- -I am pleas'd perfectly pleas'd ! I will 
 difcharge fuch a volley about his ears ; gone 
 to vifit Welford ! but why mould I be vex'd ? 
 I will follow her, foring-a mine, and blow them 
 up together Bum on her like a hand-granade. 
 
 Lady Flip. Ridiculous you are all gun- 
 powder. 
 
 Col. Ungrateful woman ! 
 
 Sir Buz. Deceitful fex ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Surprize her and her lover ! 
 
 Col. I will break with her 1 mean I \vill 
 
 purfue her. [/:#//. 
 
 Lady Flip. Well, you fee it was your filter, 
 not your wife, Weltord came to vifit ; are 
 you ready to mnke an apology for your vulgar 
 iufpicions ? 
 
 Sir Buz. An apology to you ! O, impudence! 
 have you not been the ruil of my health, have 
 you net fretted me down to a mere fkeleton ? 
 
 make
 
 C 73 ) 
 
 make you an apology ! give me my wafted 
 fldh, 
 
 Lady Flip. I mall for London in the 
 morning. 
 
 Sir Buz. If you dare ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Will mew out at every place of 
 public entertainment. 
 
 Sir Buz. At your peril. 
 
 Lady Flip. At your coft. 
 
 Sir Buz. The law gives me authority to con- 
 fine you, and I will exercife it I am your 
 hufband. 
 
 Lady Flip. I am heartily forry for it !- will 
 have public breakfafts', public dinners, and 
 public nights. 
 
 Sir Buz. You IKall have bread and water, 
 in a narrow room. 
 
 Lady Flip. A box at the Opera, and fubfcribe 
 to all the Concerts. 
 
 Sir Buz. You devil ! 
 
 Lady Flip. Will purchafe a new vis-a-vis- a 
 town chariot and phaeton. 
 
 Sir Buz. You you have a defign upon my 
 life. 
 
 Lady Flip. Heav'ns ! how ardently I pant to 
 be elevated in the phaeton, to take the circuit of 
 Hyde Park, rolling in a cloud of duft, four 
 hories, two outriders, whip in hand, flowing 
 manes, hunters tails, fweep down Piccadilly, 
 turn into St. James's-ftreet, up fly the club- 
 houfe windows, out pop the powderedheads of 
 the bucks and beauxs of fafhion fome nod, iome 
 fmile, fome kifs hands, all praife me is a 
 goddefs, exclaims one, ave^ius, ejaculates an- 
 other, an angel, fighs a third. I cut on, flam 
 
 down
 
 ( 74 ) 
 
 down Pall Mallfwift as lightning, rattle furioufly 
 through Charing-Crofs, overturn Lady Dap- 
 per's whim and cats at Northumberland 
 Houfe, lofe a wheel in the Strand, leap from 
 my feat as the carriage falls, and am received in 
 the arms of ibme handfome fellow whom love has 
 directed to my affiltance. 
 
 Sir Buz. She is mad ! (lie is mad ! outrageous 
 mad ! 
 
 Lady Flip. He carries me into a houfe, 
 fainting -- 
 
 Sir Buz, Stop there , I will be divorc'd. 
 
 Lady Flip. Then I will have a feparate main- 
 tenance. 
 
 Sir Buz. Not a milling. 
 
 Lady Flip. You cannot deprive me of my 
 fettlement. 
 
 Sir Buz. Ay, there is the grievance ! O, con- 
 found all jointures and fettlements, thofe en- 
 courage your levities, and ftimulate you all to 
 tranfgrefs. [Exit Sir Buzzard. 
 
 Lady Flip. (Sits.} My poor fpirits are ex- 
 haufted ! Heigh ho ! I am tired of this difli- 
 pated life. 
 
 Enter CONSTANCE. 
 
 <m. I wait upon your ladyfhip, to return 
 grateful thanks for the many favours you have 
 conferred upon me, and to take my leave, as I 
 am determined to quit this houfe. 
 
 Lady Flip. What ! without your uncle's con- 
 fent ? 
 
 Con. I cannot think his confent necefTary, 
 while he and your ladymip affent to the perfecu- 
 tion I experienced from a man I defpife. 
 
 Lady
 
 ( IS ) 
 
 Lady Flip. (Rifmg) And pray where do you 
 intend to go ? 
 
 Con. I have found a protestor Mr. Ordeal, 
 the friend of my unfortunate father. Lady Flip- 
 pant, it hurts my heart to part you upon thofe 
 terms. (Weeps and walks as going.} 
 
 Lady Flip. In tears, Conftance ! (Conftance re- 
 turns) Why fo diftrefs'd ? 
 
 Con. My heart is too full. 
 
 Lady Flip. Be feated; (they fit) you love this 
 Mr. Welford fmcerely but he is ! (aftde) what 
 is it to me what he is ! (Rifes) 
 
 Con. To me he is every thing and it is my 
 hope !- (rifes) -but why mould I hope" ?- 
 
 Lady Flip. Conftance I really love you- - 
 our manners have divided us ; but be aflured, 
 my dear girl, though I run the circle of fafhion- 
 able life, my mind is not devoid of fenfibility 
 pur education has been different. 
 
 Con. It was my happinefs to receive in- 
 ftruftiori from a pious and tender mother, who 
 early taught me the precepts of virtue, and im- 
 pfeflfed upon my heart, that a pure reputation 
 with humble poverty, was preferable to a fuf- 
 icious character, though blazoned with all the 
 pomp and ofnaments of elevated life but fhe is 
 no more. 
 
 Lady Flip. (Rifes) Alas, Conftance! it was 
 my misfortune to be educated in all the giddy 
 foibles and levities of the times. 
 
 Con. (Rifes) But I have obferved a difpo- 
 fition in your ladyfaip fufceptible of the ten- 
 dered offices df friencUhip, -and where there is 
 
 feeling 
 
 Lady Flip. There is hope of reformation 
 you would have faid fo-- indeed, Conftance, 
 
 there
 
 there are fentiments here, which often upbraid 
 rne ; but fure nothing has tranfpir'd, injurious to 
 my honour. 
 
 Con. The world is cenforious, madam, and 
 thofe whofe converfation is the mod entertaining 
 are often the mod dangerous ; to fimplicity they 
 impute cunning, and give a criminal conftructioa 
 to the moft innocent actions. 
 
 Enter O R DE A L and CLARA. 
 
 Ord. I am all joy, Lady Flippant! Con- 
 ftance, this is Clara, hereafter I truft you will 
 be infeparable friends. 
 
 Clara. I (hall endeavour to merit the lady's 
 friendfhip. 
 
 Ord. They may boaft of Queen Emma walk- 
 ing over burning ploughfhares, bat here is a 
 girl has done more, me has lived in a fafhionable 
 family without cenfure. (Takes Conftance by the 
 band.) 
 
 Lady Flip. But, Mr. Ordeal, what is the caufe 
 of your joy ? 
 
 Ord. It muft be difclos'd Pure Nature has 
 beftowed her hand and heart on the Scotch lad, 
 who turns out to be Captain Douglas, Welford's 
 intimate friend. 
 
 Con. Sir, I know the gentleman, and he bears 
 a high character. 
 
 Lady Flip. Conftance, take this young lady 
 to the drawing-room, fend Grace to me, and 
 order your maid over to Welford's, to let him 
 know you will be there prefently. I have a 
 ierious reafon for my requeft, and will not be 
 denied. 
 
 Con. I obey. [Exeunt Conftance and Clara. 
 
 Lady
 
 ( 77 > 
 
 Lady flip. The poor girl's fituation is truly 
 pitiable it was our fubjeft when you wnic 
 in the tears are not yet out of my eyes. 
 
 Ord. Never blufh for weeping ; tears are the 
 certain fymptoms of a noble foul. 
 
 Lady Flip. Do you know that I have ferious 
 thoughts of throwing afide all falhionable le- 
 vities ? 
 
 Ord. I know it is almoft time ; I believe your 
 inclinations are virtuous, and your irregularities 
 I do not impute to nature , no, my lady, na- 
 ture has endowed you with amiable qualities, 
 among which, I think generofity is prevalent- 
 like moil of your fex, you have taken up levity 
 through whim, and maintain it through habit, 
 though perhaps your foul ftruggles to be de- 
 livered from ihe trammels ; break them, then, 
 and you will do more than Csfar , he con- 
 quered countries, but the greateft glory human 
 nature can acquire is to conquer purfelves j I 
 have good news for Conftance, her father is 
 living. 
 
 Lady Flip. Heav'ns ! are you ferious ? 
 
 Ord. I have had letters from London, and 
 
 he returns by the next Ihips from India j 
 
 nay more, he has remitted thirty thoufand 
 pounds to her fole ufe, with directions to pre- 
 pare a houfe for his reception. 
 
 Lady Flip. O, I am overjoy'd -why has fhe 
 never heard from him before ? 
 
 Ord. He was fent upon an embafly to the in- 
 terior parts of the country, and his letters were 
 intercepted and deitroyed. But ferioufly, has 
 your ladyfhip known nothing of this before ? 
 
 Lady Flip. Never. 
 
 Ord.
 
 C 78 ) 
 
 Ord. There is roguery on foot,- an exprefs 
 was Tent to your feat at V'ork, which not meet- 
 ing the lady there was forwarded to this city, and 
 delivered at this ho'jfe. 
 
 Lad} Flip. I fee into it, this accounts for the 
 warm impetuous paffion of Cheaterly ; the girl 
 and her fortune were no doubt to be facritictd, 
 between him and my worthy fpoufe. Then you 
 mud aflift me in perfuading Conftance to go 
 to Wclford ; it will produce an incident which 
 will punifh the young gentleman's paffion for in- 
 trigue, and give Conftance an authority over 
 him i (gtingi returns) but do you believe my re- 
 pentance fin cere ? 
 
 Ord. I hope fo !- but I believe nothing wirhr 
 out proof that is my way- -where there is le- 
 vity the world will fufpeft, and when the work} 
 has once caufe to fufpeft a woman, her cba- 
 racle: becomes as much the fport of its ma P 
 Jice, as if there was a certainty of her having 
 abandoned it. 
 
 Lady Flip. I am penitent! but do you really 
 forgive my lecture to Pure Nature ? 
 
 Ord. Yes, and am convinced you are nq 
 falle prophet ; for, as you foretold, Clara pro 
 ftrred the iummer dimples of youth to the winivr 
 wrinkles t.f a^c, - 1 fpeak my mind, that is 
 my \vuy. 
 
 ltfW L;uly I'Tippant, 
 
 SCENE I!. 
 
 WIDOW, 7/r.f. Mi'sr.iv, fi ' ,-p, 
 
 Covered at Tea. 
 
 .tL Your opnion, madn^ ;s ju;l : viv;icity 
 is un, attribute to Woti:;in, gra\ ;t ; n8U4r*J 
 
 to
 
 C 79 ) 
 
 to man : and probably the fexes were thus 
 contrafted, that the fatumine difpofition of the 
 male might be relieved by the fprightlinels of 
 the female, vour {miles alleviate our pains, 
 your approbation rewards our dangers. 
 
 Wid. And our converfation illuitrates my 
 opinion you are grave, I, perhaps, too vola- 
 tile. 
 
 Muf. The poor gentleman teems as if fomc- 
 thing preyed upon his mind ;--- let me recom- 
 mend matrimony, it is the only cure for me- 
 lancholy. 
 
 Wei. And often afpecific for all complaints. 
 
 Muf. Well, bufinefs mull be minded (going.) 
 
 Wei. (Rtfes.) Muft fee you to the door. 
 
 Muf. '-'Afide.) A great fortune, -may I truft 
 her with you ? 
 
 Wei May / truft myfelf with her ? (afide. ) 
 
 [Exit Mrs. Muflm. 
 
 A good, merry, convenient, civil old woman :--> 
 fhe recommends matrimony (Jits.} Fray, ma- 
 dam, what kind of lover would you prefer ? 
 
 I'/id. I muft tell you the lover I vvouid not 
 prefer. I would not prefer a coxco?v>b,-- -a flut- 
 tering Cummer inted, a talkative creature, full 
 of infipid gclture, laughter, and nojfe, who pays 
 more attention to his huir than to his intellects, 
 who po0eiTes neither icntiment tor triendfhip, 
 n"r fcniibilicy for love -but is curft with a foul 
 devoid of munlinefs, ami bent o.i tie gratitku- 
 tjon of ics own puny arFt(ftioi)S. 
 
 H\(. A next client picture, yet the fpecies Qf 
 
 niaial you defcnbc are bvoritrs.- -'1'lic ladies 
 
 &re trown fo enamoured or ctelicatc limbfi, iii\ 
 effcivinacc facrs, one would inj}/ine they willu-d 
 to huvc their iaVvrs women lu every thing. 
 
 Enter
 
 8o 
 
 Enter Mrs. M u s L i K. 
 
 Muf. Dear Sir, there is a woman below en- 
 quiring for youme infifts upon coming up> 
 and has fuch a tongue! 
 - Wid. I would not be feen for the world. 
 
 Muf. She would furely blaft the reputation of 
 my houfe. Sir, you muft go down to her.--- 
 O my poor character ! {Exit Mrs. Mullm. 
 
 Wei. Any thing to fave the replication of 
 your houfe. (Going.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. MUSLIN. 
 
 Muf. Madam, madam, the Hut is upon the 
 flairs. Step into this clofet till the impudent 
 creature is gone. (Puts the widow in tie clofet) 
 You do not know, Sir, you have been fitting with 
 Mrs. Volatile, fifter to Sir Buzzard Savage. 
 
 Honor. (Within) Mr. Welford. 
 
 Wei. I know that voice. 
 
 Muf. It is the clack of Mrs. Honor, waiting- 
 maid to Mifs Conftance. 
 
 Welf. Then keep her out for Heaven's fake. 
 
 Hon. (Within) I will have admittance. 
 
 Muf. Coming, Mrs. Honor. - O the au- 
 dacious wretch I fee, Sir, you are a man of 
 gallantry, but, pray, difpatch the creature as 
 faft as poflible. | Exit. Muf. 
 
 Hon. (Within) Madam I infill upon going in 
 firfl. 
 
 Grace. (Within) No me'm- you will pardon 
 me. 
 
 Enter GRACE and HONOR fujhing in together. 
 
 Wei. What, two! - ladies, your moft obe- 
 dient. - (bows - they curtfey) 
 
 Hon.
 
 ( Si ) 
 
 lion. You have no bufmefs here, me'ir, = 
 
 Grace. My bufmefs, me'm, is no bupnefc of 
 
 your's or if it was yoiir bufmefs, me'ni, yet it 
 
 is not the bufinefs of the likes of you to look 
 down upon the likes of me, me'm. 
 
 Hon. The likes of you I look down upon with 
 
 fcorn. It is not for the likes of you, to look 
 
 up to the likes of me, me'm. -I ferves a lady 
 of vartue. 
 
 Grace. Vartue ! Your infmuation is low, me'm, 
 high as you carry your head. 
 
 Wei. Grace, ftand on my right hand Ho- 
 nor, take your place on my left How happy 
 would it be for England, were all her great men 
 in my fltuation Grace fupporting one fide. Ho- 
 nor fupporting the other. Now, ladieSj to the 
 caufe of your vifit. 
 
 Grace. My lady underftandingthat" 
 her fitter was here 
 
 Hon. My Lady fent me to let you 
 know . 
 
 WeL One at a time. 
 
 Grace. Sir, you mutt know i , ,, 
 
 Hon. My lady fent \ together. 
 
 Wei. Here is a guinea for her who fpeaks 
 
 fecond What, dumb ! but money feals as 
 
 well as unfeals the mouths of great fpeakers. 
 
 Hon. Me'm, I ftiall certainly fpeak firft Sir, 
 you mutt know 
 
 Grace. Speak firft, me'm ! I ferve a lady of 
 quality. 
 
 Wei. Order in the houfe let me fettle this 
 
 point of precedence -I believe it is regular that 
 Grace fliould take the lead of Honor, fo Mrs.- 
 Grace begin. 
 
 G
 
 Hon. Thank you for preferring fhe. 
 
 \Walks abouf.) 
 
 Wei. Now Grace, what is your bafinefs with 
 me ? 
 
 Grace. La, Sir, I have no bufinefs with you 
 1 want to fpeak with Mrs. Volatile. 
 Wei. Child, me is not here. 
 Grace. Not here but I believe fhe is there 
 
 (points to clofet.) 
 
 Wei. By this guinea fhe is not. (gives money.} 
 Grace. By this guinea I will fwear it mum- 
 but my lady wants to fee her direclly Mrs. 
 Honor, your very obedient an audacious huf- 
 fey! (ajide.) [Exit GRACE. 
 
 Hon. Me'm, your moft humble - (q/ide.) 
 Lord, Sir, I found it as difficult to get at 
 you, as if you had been a great Turk. 
 
 Wei. Mrs. Muflin did not know you perhaps. 
 
 Hon. Not know me ! Hie knew me to be var- 
 
 tuous, though as the laying is, " tell me your 
 
 company and I will tell you what you are" 
 
 and I, and my miftrefs live in a family where 
 there is not much vartue praclifed but I am 
 filent fervants mould neither have eyes, nor 
 ears, nor tongues, therefore I am always blind, 
 deaf and dumb, let me hear or fee what I may. 
 Wei. Lower your voice, you may be over- 
 heard. 
 
 Hon. Then there is Sir Buzzard's filler, the 
 widow, though her hufband is not dead fix 
 months, is frifky and brifk gadding about, 
 
 and running mad for another 
 
 Wei. Speak low, a gentleman lies ill in the 
 next room. 
 
 Hen. As to Sir Buzzard, they have put their 
 
 tinkers
 
 ( 83 ) 
 
 fingers into his eyes fo often, he is blind as a 
 beetle. I mud make you laugh about the 
 widow 
 
 Wd. I cannot permit you to flay any longer 
 from your Lady. Here's for your good report 
 
 (gives money.) 
 
 Hon. Dear Sir, you diflrefs me 
 Wei. Farewell (pii/hing her out. ) 
 
 [Exit HONOR. 
 
 Heav'n be prais'd ! I -have got rid of you !--- 
 Now to relieve my widow, who I fuppofe is 
 mortified into humility, or burfling with rage. 
 
 Enter WIDOW from the clofet. 
 
 Madam, I feel for your fituation, and did 
 every thing in my power to flop the impetuous 
 flow of the woman's tongue but be not af- 
 fected at what me faid " Cenfure and calum- 
 ny are taxes paid by the moft elevated charac- 
 ters, nor is it poflible to make defence againft 
 the impofl, but by obfcurity." 
 
 Wid* It is beneath me, Sir, to defend my 
 character a^aintl the afperfions of fo mean a 
 wretch I feel however for the impreflions her 
 falfhoods may have made on you. 
 
 Enter MUSLIN. 
 
 Muf. You feem frightened, madam, quite 
 flufter'd I proteft fure the gentleman attempted 
 no rudenefs 
 
 Wid. That woman has flandered me grofly ! 
 G 2
 
 ( 84 ) 
 
 Wei. Soothe your pafilon, madam, nothing 
 fo prejudicial to beauty as intemperate warmth 
 confider the vulgar fet up a prefcription, for 
 exercifing latitude of tongue, that fhews no re- 
 IpecT: to perfons. 
 
 Wid. Your hand, Mrs. Muflin fome drops 
 fome \vater--I faint am overcome I die ! 
 oh \ (faints in Welford' s arms.) 
 
 Muf. Support her, dear Sir, 'till I return T 
 let me run for rdloratives I going* returns) 
 open her hands, chafe her temples, a-iack a 
 day This is a mailer flroke of the widow's ! 
 (ajide.) [Exit Mus. 
 
 WeL This is worfe than the ftate of Tanta- 
 lus human nature cannot hold out fhe is 
 really handfomc. I will venture- to kiis her 
 however 
 
 Re-enter MUSLIN. 
 
 Muf. Madam, Sir, there is Mifs Conftance 
 and Colonel Staff with her 
 
 Wid. What will become of me ? (Springing 
 frcm tie couch. ) 
 
 Wei. What will become of me ? 
 
 Enter Colonel STAFF. 
 
 Col. In his private chamber, and juft fprung 
 from his arms ! Oh, hell and furies ! but I 
 will be cool, we, Sir, will meet hereafter ; this 
 intrufion, madam, is, I fee, as unfeafonable as 
 unexpected ; I am forry to have interrupted 
 you. 
 
 Wid.
 
 Wid. I am unconcerned at your fufpicions, 
 
 Colonel, you will not be cenforious, Mifs 
 
 Conllance-my bufmefs here was to prevent 
 that imprudent ftep which you are about to 
 take. 
 
 Con. You have fucceeded, madam (going). 
 Wei Will you hear me ? 
 Con. I am forty, Sir, for the confufion I have 
 caufed having gained my efteem without dif- 
 ficulty -you have refign'd it with the fame 
 eafe 
 
 Col (To the Widow) This undeniable proof 
 of your duplicity has reinflated my fenfes, and 
 I will run the gauntlet no longer you fee I am 
 calm quite calm, but I will have revenge i 
 you, Sir? 
 
 Wei. Well, Sir! it is my duty to clear this 
 lady from fufpicion, to which her fituation lays 
 her open, and in which I am innocently in- 
 volved. 
 
 Wid. You may have an intered in juftifying 
 yourfelf, Sir, but I requeft not to be included 
 in your defence ; I am going. 
 
 Col. I give up the purfuit Madam, if my 
 
 acts and deeds 
 
 Wid. Your acts and deeds ! Yes, I have heard 
 of your acts and deeds from yourfelf, Colo- 
 nel -but, be aflured, a man without fpirit mail 
 never controul the acts and deeds of my for- 
 tune. 
 
 [Exit. Widow. 
 Col. A true Parthian, me mot as fhe flew. 
 
 [Exit. Colonel. 
 
 WeL Conftance, will you attend to me ? 
 Con. No, Sir, you Deed not take the trouble 
 
 of
 
 C S6 ) 
 
 of fpenking to me now, or of enquiring for me 
 hereafter. " [Exit. Conftance. 
 
 Wei, Was ever man fo unfortunate ! to 
 have all my wifhes blafted in the moment of 
 ripening !---to lofe ihe obje<5t of my love in the 
 inftant of recovering herwho waits there ? 
 to have an intrigue with a wife, a widow, and 
 a maid, in the courfe of one day, and be dif- 
 appointed in all will nobody an(wer ? (calling 
 loud.} 
 
 Enter MUSLIN. 
 
 Muf. "What is the mater, Sir ? 
 
 Wei. Where is the lady ? 
 
 Muf. She went out with the Colonel. 
 
 Wei. I fpeak of the young lady. 
 
 Muf. She left the houfe in a chair, but I 
 cannot tell where me went. 
 
 Wei. I will this inftant to Sir Buzzard's ! -I 
 vull follow her over the world ; what an un- 
 fortunate fellow ! [Exit. Welford. 
 
 SCENE changes to 'the Parade. Enter 
 CHEATERLY, followed byafervant. 
 
 Cheat. What anfwer has Doclor Spruce fent? 
 
 Serv. He faid, Sir, he would not write,- -but 
 remember your ungenerous treatment, and have 
 revenge ! pardon me, Sir, but thefe were his 
 words. 
 
 Cheat. Would have revenge ? 
 
 Serv. Yes, Sir, and I faw a letter on his table 
 directed to Sir Buz7ard Savage j there was an 
 
 attorney
 
 attorney with him, and I heard him fay the pe- 
 nalty is treble the money loft. 
 
 Cheat. How much is he arrefted for ? 
 
 Serv. Upwards of feventy pounds. 
 
 Cheat. Here is a note for a hundred (gives 
 a note} fly and get him difcharged. 
 
 [Exit Servant. 
 
 A letter to Sir Buzzard ! an attorney with 
 him ! treble the penalty ! this Spruce I fear 
 will turn traitor. 
 
 Enter DOUGLAS. 
 
 Captain Douglas, your mod obedient, 
 
 how long have you been in Bath ? Thave not 
 feen you for an age. 
 
 Doug. I believe, Sir, not fmce the York meet- 
 ing, when my friend De Courcy loft his mo- 
 ney. 
 
 Cheat. He is too ardent to attempt play, 
 always off his guard. 
 
 Doug. And had the misfortune to play with 
 thofe who kept a conftant centinel upon his 
 weaknefs ; he confided in you, and was de- 
 ceived ; care, and a plain underftanding, may 
 preferve a man's property from the plunder of 
 a common robber, but honefty has no pro- 
 tedlion from the frauds of fuperior cunning. 
 
 Cheat. I won nothing from him ; -I loft 
 the truth is, the knowing ones took us in. 
 
 Doug. But you Ihared the winnings- 
 
 Cheat. Will you dare 
 
 Doug. I will dare any thing that is honed. 
 
 Cheat.
 
 Cheat. Your friend, Sir, ha5 dared to traduce 
 my character, by the imputation you infmuate. 
 But he and you mould know me better, than to 
 fuppofe any man could affront me with impuni - 
 ty. (lays his hand on his fword.} 
 
 Doug. I know you have a mind capable of 
 vindicating your conduct, even at the rifque ot 
 your own life, and the life of him you have in- 
 juredmen like you, habituated in deceit, be- 
 come callous to humanity , deftitute of prin- 
 ciple, they are not deterred by the compunc- 
 tions of confcience, but will infure the profits 
 of their cunning, even at the price of blood. 
 
 Cheat. My family, Sir 
 
 Doug. Is honourable ! fpeak not of your 
 family their virtues render your vices the 
 more confpicuous. 
 
 Enter Sir BUZZARD. 
 
 Sir Buz. Oh you traitor ! the reverend Mr, 
 Spruce has made a full confefllon, So I have 
 been your pigeon, but the law mall do me 
 juftice. 
 
 Cheat. This is your fcheme, pufillanimous, 
 mean wretch (to Sir Buzzard] for you, Sir, 
 (to Douglas} we fhall meet again. 
 
 [Exit Cheaterly, 
 
 Sir B#%. Yes, at the next afiizes ;--- the fel- 
 low's mind is fowed with hempfeed y and will yet 
 produce a halter, or if he efcapes hanging, 1 
 mall fee him periming in a gaol, under as many 
 wants as are m t the Daily Advertifer j have 
 you been pigeon'd, Sir ? 
 
 Doug.
 
 ( 89 ) 
 
 Doug. No Sir. 
 
 Sir Buz. I have, he has pluck'd fome quill 
 feathers from me, he has pinion'd me ! oh 
 the rafcal! but I {hall recover my mortgages, 
 and bonds, with treble penalties ! 
 
 Enter WE L FORD and Lady FLIPPANT. 
 
 Wei. Diffraction! fheisloft! I have been 
 at your houfe, my Lady, at Mr. Ordeal's at 
 every inn in the town, but can get no tidings 
 of her. 
 
 Lady Flip. It is furprifing, you, who poflefs 
 a heart open and liberal, panting with affection 
 for the whole fex, mould run detracted for the 
 lofs of an individual ! 
 
 Doug. You overlook me, Welford 
 
 Wei. Douglas ! my friend ! O, Douglas, 
 I have loft my Conftance !- I 
 
 Lady Flip. No truant, I have been your ad- 
 vocate and regained her for you on condition 
 of repentance. 
 
 Enter CONSTANCE and CLARA followed by OR- 
 DCAL. 
 
 Wei. My life U- (they embrace.} 
 
 Sir Buz. Repentance! let him marry, and 
 he will live and die in a ftate of repentance. 
 
 Con. What! marry rne, an orphan withont 
 a milling ? 
 
 Wei. Talk not of wealth, were the riches 
 of the world in your poffeffion, by Heaven 
 they would not add a grain to the eflimation of 
 your worth. 
 
 Ord. Generous and noble ! 
 
 H Con-
 
 ( 9 > 
 
 Con. (to On/.) How, Sir, can I repay your 
 generofity ? 
 
 Ord. The fatisfaction which refults from aid- 
 ing virtue in diftrefs, is the only intereft a ge- 
 nerous mind can wifh to receive for its fer- 
 vices ; becaufe it is the only intereft fuch a 
 mind can enjoy. 
 
 Lady Flip. Return to my houfe ;--- there you 
 (hall be acquainted with a matter which nearly 
 concerns your happinefs. 
 
 Sir Buz. Which I never expeft to tafte ! 
 
 Ord. Your happinefs is in your own power^ 
 commence the practice of virtue, and you will 
 be enamoured of its fweets, try the experiment, 
 and never fear fuccefs. 
 
 Lady Flip. What fay you to that, Sir Buz- 
 zard ? 
 
 Sir Buz. I fay a man can never be too old to 
 mend I fay I have been pofitive all my life, 
 and I fay if you follow the advice of your an- 
 cient and fapient friend, my endeavours to pro- 
 cure domeftic happinefs fliall not be wanting- 
 Ordeal, the laugh will be againft us both. 
 
 Ord. Laugh at me as long a you pleafe, 
 but had I married Clara, the laugh would 
 
 have been ftill ftronger againft me ; the 
 
 Scot has done right, and the girl has done right, 
 -^-the mutual inclination of two virtuous fouls, 
 cannot but render them more virtuous ; the 
 inhabitants of countries united by nature and 
 policy fiiould take every opportunity of ftrength- 
 cning the connexion ; I fee you all think as 
 I do !---and here I hope we fhall alfo meet 
 approbation. 
 
 (Bowing to the audience.} 
 
 FINIS.
 
 To FASHIONABLE LEVITIES* 
 (As fpoken by Mifs Y O U N G E.) 
 
 OUR growing Levities too clearly fhow, 
 That all our troubles from refinement flow. 
 Two ages fmce we valu'd plain attire, 
 Blue-apron'd was the Dame, ftraight-hair'd the Squire} 
 They call'd not houfhold bus'nefs vulgar cares, 
 Nor deem'd it ungenteel to fay their pray'rs : 
 But arts i.-nprov'd, new Levities arofe, 
 And Ladies chang'd the falhion of their clothes ; 
 Hoop'd petticoats in ev'ry town were feen : 
 The fnug rotunda pleas'd the virgin Qneen, 
 And beef for breajcfaft ferv'd her Lady-train 
 No wonder that her failors baffled Spain. 
 Yet ftill we've chiefs with love of glory fir'd; 
 But fo had Rome when liberty expired ; 
 " We've ftatefmen too, who burn with patriots flame, 
 '* But fo had Greece, when Greece had loft her fame." 
 ** We've admirals who plow the briny deep, 
 *' Through azure fkies and rolling clouds they fweep, 
 *' Invade the Planets in an Air Balloon, 
 " And fright from her propriety the Moon" 
 Befs was a man, when danger call'd her pow'rs, 
 She was a woman in her private hours- 
 Few Levities, few luxuries Ihe knew; 
 No cherries then in February grew : 
 May-dukes in April on the bough hung green, 
 And girls wbre hanging- fleeves till full eighteen. 
 Few mothers teach their daughters grace or fenfe; 
 But tell them tafte in drefs is excellence : 
 Bid them the Levities of rank aflumc, 
 And flaunt with fpreadiug bow, or nodding plume ; 
 
 Strut
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 Strut in a riding-drefs, to ftiew their ftiapes ; 
 
 Or ftalk in boots, and coats with tripple capes. 
 
 Affefting eafe, but impudently free, 
 
 The matron leans upon her cicifbee ; 
 
 While cara/fofa fnugly keeps his wench,' 
 
 Defies his duns, and revels in the Bench. 
 
 " Why, this is vice, not folly ?" I agree ; 
 
 But ftill this vice proceeds from Levity. 
 
 Some fouls there are which moral fenfe fublimes, 
 
 A few bleft fpirits in the worft of times; 
 
 One in whom birth and piety are join'd ; 
 
 Of native worth, and truly royal mind ; 
 
 Who with benignant hand her bleffings pours 3 
 
 Who knows no Levities, but feels for yours, 
 
 *** Tkofe lines *wMtk are " ot ftarketf with inwrted fommaj t 
 were taken from an epilogue written by Mr. Harris, for the ait* 
 iknr of tbe comedy. 
 
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 LOS ANGSLES
 
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