BERKELEY LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF i / CALIFORNIA THE SPIRIT OT THE PUBLIC JOURNALS ORj BEAUTIES OF THE AMERICAN NEWSPAPERS,, FOR 1805. Duplex libclli dos est ; quod risum motef, Et quod prudent! vitam consilio monet. A twofold gift in this my volume lies ; It makes you merry, and it makes you wise, BALTIMORE: PRINTED BY GEO. DOBBIN & MURPHY, No. 4, BALTIMORE-STREET. 1806. Copy-right secured according to Law. TO THE EDITORS OF NEWSPAPERS THROUGHOUT TH UNITED STATES, AND THEIR CORRESPONDENTS, This selection is inscribed, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, The Editor. 139 PREFACE. THE volume now prefented to the pub- lick may be confidered an original work : the eflays and poetry of which it is compofed can be known to very few only, and thofe few may have forgotten them fmce they appeared in the diurnal prints : hence it ap- peared a defirable object to preferve the quint- eflence of the newspaper in a durable form. No paper of any celebrity in the Union has been omitted in the fcrutiny neceflary to make an impartial fele&ion ; ten thoufand at lead have been carefully perufed, that nothing of value might pafs unnoticed : and the lift of Journals which have been examined in the preparation of this volume includes nearly one hundred vehicles of information. Eaftern Argus Bofton Gazette Freeman's Friend Centinel Farmer's Cabinet Palladium 5 Salem Regifter . Chronicle Salem Gazette Democrat A a. VI. PREFACE. Dartmouth Gazette Boilon Repertory Providence Gazette Providence Phoenix Hartford Mercury Wilmington Mirror National ^Egis Mufeum New England Repub- Lancafter Journal lican. Bedford Gazette Connelicut Courant Pittsburgh Tree of Li- Gazette berty Troy Gazette Commonwealth New York Gazette Baltimore American Mer. Advertiser Telegraphe Daily- Advertiser Fed. Gazette Evening Poft Evening Pott Amer. Citizen Maryland Gaz. . Com. AdvertiferEafton Star Morn. Chron. National Intelligencer Newark, Centiuel Wafliingto-n Fedeialift Albany Regifter Alexandria Ad. Gazette Expofitor Centinel Fred. Town Advocate Farmer's Regifter Herald Hudfon Bee Winchefter Gaz. Balance Pet. Intelligencer Trenton American Republican F^deralift Fredericksburgh Ex, Aurora Rich, Gazette PREFACE. VIU Phil. True American _ T> pniflpr Richmond Argus Enouirer Gazette U. S. Gazette Norfolk Ledger Herald Poulfon's Advertifer Raleigh Regifter Freeman's Journal Geo. Town Gazette Mifliflippi Herald Naihville Gazette Political Obfervatory Indiana Gazette Poughkeepfie tfarome- Herkimer Monitor ter Savannah Mufeum Newbury Port Her- Augufta Chronicle.. aid Herald Republican Farmer Halifax Journal, Pittsfield Sun Portfmauth Oracle Frankfort Palladium, Kentucky Gazette Spy Farmer's Mufeum Charleflan Gazette Times Courier Independent Gazette Ohio Herald, N. Orleans Gazette It is proper however to remark that the Portfolio, and fimihr publications as being almoft or entirely confined to miscellaneous literature were not reviewed : and it mull be recollected that three or four of the com- petitions although Englifh are introduced by particular requeft, upon the fuppofition that VIII. PREFACE. they might contribute to the amufement and; inftru&ion of the reader. That no perfon might be difgufted with this fpecimen of the talents of thofe who write for our daily and weekly chronicles of the times ; all political difcuflions, jeus d'es- prit and caricatures, although many of them be intrinfically excellent in themfelves, are entirely omitted. But its purity recommends the volume whilft many parts of it will produce the " hearty laugh," no one page will excite a blufh in the cheek of modefty, or fanclion any impropriety of conduft. Its object is to render vice odious by the lafh of ridicule and the energy of admonition, and virtue lovely by animating all the rtfined feelings of our nature, and difplaying the enjoyments- of the chriilian. CONTENTS. A. Page; The Atlantic - - 36 Arrfwer by a Turkish captive - 75 Advertifement - - 103 Advertifement - - - 15 a Affection - - - 168 Anecdotes - 237 Autumnal Reflection - 244 Apparitions - - is % Addrefs - - 274 B. Bagatelles - - 27 The Blackbird in Winter - - 31 Beef-Steak and Oyfters - - - 36 Begin in Time 92 The Birth of Friendfhip - - 131 Benevolence - - - 162 Botanical Gardeu - - 209 Bufinefs ... 260 Breakfaft - - 266 Bank Dire&ory - - 295 c. Characteristics - - 4* City Life - - - 51 Characterises - 64 The Conteft - - - 86 Canting - - 97 The Clofe of Autumn 189 Charge - - - 221 City Manners ... 246 Commerce - - - 255 Cory don and Mir a - - 299 D. Deceit - 34 Duelling 133 The Dying Daughter to her Mother - i4t 2T. CONTENTS. D. Page. Doctor Froft - ' 22Q Domeftick Happinefs ^ *73 E. Epigram 58 Epigram fl^U-* * 59 Epigram L r* . ; - 157 Education - 185 Ele gy 4* - ( 344 Epitaph 299 F. Fragment - * \ !> Ws 71 My Father * - The Fire Fly ^ >- 155 Fragment - * 156 Friendftrip r i i:'. Friendly Hints 199 Few Honest Coblers 217 Fafhion 234 G. Gravity 57 The Grave sod H. The Hermit 18 The Humming Bird 41 Hope 46 Honefty the beft policy Hiftory of Snuff 109 Hope 371 i. Impromptu 59 The Idler 75 L. Lines written at Sea 33 Life a Stream - * 4Z The Limner 54 The Little Cot ^* 73- 1-oTe 198 CONTENTS. M. Page. Mode of Single Combat in Africa - - 15 The Mocking Bird 25 My native Home - - - 35 My Mother . * - - 70 Modefty 89 Medical Confutation - 119 Maria -" 164 Meditation - 254 Mufic - - 267 Moon Light - -287 Moon Light Walk - - 289 The Mother - 293 To Mary - 298 N. Nobody's Complaint 78 New England Country Dance - - 150 o. Old Bachelors Lamentation - - 161 Ode - - 197 Ode - 391 Ode - - ^97 p. Public Opinion - 13 Promifes in Bufinefs - - 59 Petition of the word Should - - 80 The Perpetual Complaint 90 Punctuality the life of Bufinefs - - 99 Patent Medicine . " 15 g Petition of a Goofe - - 195 Progrefsof Feeling - - 264 Polar Star - - 394 Q^ Quarrelling - - 131 R. Receipt for a Modern Poet - - 169 The Reclufe - - 190 The Rural Philofopher - - - 241 Return of Spring - - - 272 ^UJ. CONTENTS. s. Page. the Sailor Boy 45 Style 95 Spectacles Magical . 106 Stoop ! Stoop 1 . 116 The Seafons - 163 Science 168 Sermon in praife of Swearing 171 Spring - 188 Sleigh Riding - 266 Sonnets . 288 T. Toafts . 46 Truth . 8^ Tale >- 85 Town Drefs - 93 Tale . 113 Tale of Wonder - 115 Teft of Friendftiip - 196 Tears of Science - 219 V. Uncle Jonathan's Reflection at w. The Withered Rofe . 35 The Witling and Clown - i*" 58 War and Peace * 74 The Woodman - 128 Winter - 298 y. Yankee Phrafes - 114 Youthful lufts - 143 THE SPIRIT PUBLIC JOURNALS, FOR 1305. T. HE Public, is a being with many- heads, and confequently pofTeffes as many dif- ferent minds ; as thofe can amply t edify who are thefervants of its ivi!/, among whom print- ers perhaps, are the chief Butlers find Bakers. u Give us more foreign -intelligence," fays the newfmonger, " and let domeftic politics v alone." " Battle the feds ; dafli away at the demos," cries the politician , " a fig for your foreign intelligence, unlefs yen can fend Em- peror Buonaparte into England up to his knees in blood. We do not want to hear about fhips fpoken at fea a courier ptffing through liampergofcamperdum -Marfhal Helter Skel- ter, holding audience with his ferene highnefs, the landgrave of Lubberdeguliion, or the mar- riage of count Waddlet\vattle, with her lady- fhip the duchefs of Winlaimfquintum ; let not your paper detail fuchunirr\por cant advices." "Hit the federal or democratic editors," ex- the third, <f nothing I like fo r.'ell as B 14 PUBLIC OPINION. fquabbks among editors ; there is fome fun in that." " Let us have another novel," fays Mrs. Fripple, w I like novels monftrou fly, ef- pecially if there be fomething fcareful in them; I would not give a cent for the papers if they had not a novel in them." Novels, fays old Groufe "Nonfenfe ! give us fomething about farm- ing ; tell us how to deftroy the HefTian fly, or fomething about fining cider, or wheat upon clover." " I like novels too," fays mifs Sim- per ; but befides them I want a good deal more poetry, and a number of queer (lories about Ann Necdotes , I love to read them, terribly." *< All wifhy-wafhy," fays Jack Galloper, < give us the fport of the turf ; tell us about the race between Madam Thornton, and Mr. Flint, and her challenging him after {he got beat ; that's the dandy." Thus might we go on ad infinitum* and de- fcribe the modes which Mr. Public points out for us to be guided by, in conducting our pa- per; in anfwer, we can only fay, that although we ccnfider our own method bed, yet, as foon as they can all agree upon one plan, we will cheerfully adopt it, and until then, we truft we may be permitted to jog on in the old way of giving a little of every thing which we con- fider the moft important; for, "If all the land were paper, "And all the fea were ink," It would dill be impoffible for us to comply with all the demands of the Public, until thole demands became more united. MODE OF SINGLE COMBAT. 15 MODE OF SINGLE COMBAT, IN THE CENTRAL PARTS OF AFRICA. A rnoft obftinate quarrel had happened be- tween a colonel of the guards,- and a capital butcher in Gutty- Gur, concerning tlie digni- ty of their rcfpelive profeffions j and to make the quarrel (till mor? ferious, they were both candidates for the affections of the fame lady. The parties being called before the judges, declared that their rage was fo great as to be fatisfied only by an appeal to violence. They were then fepara'cedatthe diilance of a " foetid funk" (about three miles) from each other, each of them being attended by one of the judges and an officer of juftice, who carried along with him pins, bodkins, knives, fciffars, pin- cers, thumb-fcrews, and other inRruments of mutilation and torment. The fpe&ators divided themfelves into two parties, and ac- companied, according to their affections, one or other of the duellifts, who now, without fight of each other, and as it were back to back, began the fierce combat ; with pen and ink, which was placed on purpofe on a table rut out of the folid rock, he who gave the challenge, without the lead hefitation, wrote to the other the following note : " Colonel Gog defies Bivtcher Magog with a pin fix inch- es in length thruil to the very head in one of his thighs." This note being delivered with due folemnity into the hands of the judge, the officer of juilice, (or, as we ihould fay, " Jack Ketch,") without ceremony, delay or remorfe, thrufl the pin into Gog's naked thigh l6 M6DE OF SINGLE COMBAT. to the full extent of what was affirmed in the note of defiance. This note, with the feal of the judge now appended to it, in <$ tefti- moniurn veritatis," was fent by a public mef- fenger to his riv^l, Magog, who was attended as well as his adverfary, with his judge and executioner : he not only prefented the part defignatei \vith ineffable difdatn to the execu- tioner, but without a moment's delay, wrote as follows : " Butcher Magog defies Colonel Gog with a bodkin of a foot in length thruil through the brawny part of his arm." This i;errible billet being duly conveyed to the judge, the executioner at his nod, thruft the bodkin into the arm of Magog, till its bloody- point fairly appeared the other fnle. Ma- gog's challenge, duly (igned, fealcd and de- %vered, was pot without a vifible efTel on the (Countenance of Gog ; neverthelefs the colo- nel, plucking up a good heart, held out his hare arm to the executioner, who performed it with a proper bodkin, in the twinkling oi an eye. Having done this, 5 and refreshed himfclf a little, he wrote as follow^ : " Gog defies Magog with the fcalp of his head." Immediately after which he prefented him- fdf in the proper atcirude ; and the judge hav- ing nodded afiont, the fcalp was carried with due folemnity to Magog, who loft no time in returning the compliment. 'The enraged butcher was now at a lofs how to continue the contelt. To fend an ear, a linger or a toe to his antagonist, v/ould be Ikir- xaifhing to no purpofc j and for a foot or a MODE OF SINGLE COMBAT, 17 hand, a leg or an arm, he could not conveni- ently fpare them. He, therefore, in order to put an end, if poffible, to the combat, wrote the following note: " Magog defies Gog with * * * * * [Here the book is fo defaced, it is impoflible to make out what the defiance was.] This defiance itruck the judge with horror ; he refufed his aflent to what was propofed, on the ground of its being a new cafe, until he fhould confult the hierGphant y and the other judges. Two of thefe declar- ed their opinion, that to fettle a difpute in this manner, by * * ? : * * [here is another de fel in the book] was a thing altogether un- heard of, and prepoflerous , but the chief juf- tice, Metlek Ammon, to \vhofe opinion the other two judges readily afiented, obferved that the whole of the judicial proceeding in qucftlon was abfurd, and therefore that one part of it could not be fct ailde, on account of its abfurdity, rather than another. The butcher having fortified himfelf with a ftrong dofe o jumbu> (brandy and afles' blood,) actually carried his threats into execution ; but the colonel, to whom a report had been made of the demurrer juft mentioned, faicl, that in fo tender a point it was impoilible for him to proceed, and to eilablifh a new pre- cedent to all future times, unlefs there liai been greater concord, if not entire unani- mity, among the judges. The butcher there- fore triumphed fairly over the colonel ; but to which of the combatants, the vitor or the B a. THE HERMIT, vanquiihed, the lady who was the fubjet of difpute, gave a preference, is unknown. _ THE HERMIT. THE fun was funk beneath the fea-green wave, The bird of eve began her 'cuftom'd lay, When the lorn Hermit left his mofs grown cave ; To wander penfive by the twilight ray. I too " by lonely contemplation led," In the fame walk had (hap'd my devious way ; To fee the funbeams (ink in Ocean's bed, And watch the landfcape, as it fades away. Mild and dejecled, was the Hermit's mien, Dim was the luftre of his pale blue eye, Slow bent his tott'ring footfteps, o'er the gree&j And oft his bofom. heav'd an heartfelt figh. I trac'd him to the margin of the wood, Near where the brook the bordering flow'ret laves* He gaz'd with fix'd attention on the flood, And iighM his '* woe fraught" ftory to the waves, fi While difappointment mocks each lingering day* And fiern misfortune holds her rigid fway, Whyfhould my fond, enthunaflic heart, Regret with each terreftrial fcene to part. ** While the lorn cyprefs calls me to the (hade, Where 'neath the turf my Adeline is laid, Why to the Earth Ihould fond affeclion cleave^ Kor wifh this fcene of varied ill to leave ? *' Ah ! what is life ? the vifion of an hour, Fleet as the wind, and fading as the flow'r 5 A fair delufion all its brighteft joys, Its charms but wound us, and its blifs defiroys. HERMIT. 19 ** Since it's beft blessings oft a. fnare conceal, And thofe moft fuffer who the moil can feel, Ye tender fenfibilities, depart ! Andthou, chill apathy pofiefsmy heart ! *' I once was bleft, but ah, the time is o'er ! The painted vifion can delight no more ; Around my path is fpread a fable gloom, Which fpeaks, my only refuge is the tomb. " Smooth as thy furface, gently flowing ftream, Were the firft days, unhappy Albert knew ; But fwifter than the light's all-piercing beam, On wings of wind, tk' aufpicious moments flew, " As fades the Iris in the ambient Iky, So did the dear, illufive vifion fly ; As dew-drops vanifh, 'neath the morning ray, So did the foft delufion pafs away. " The facred rights of freedom to defend, I left my cottage and the charms of peace ; And trufted to the honour of a friend* The deareft treafure mortal can poficfs. ** T\\%.\. friend perdition blaft the name prof at? d> Tore frpm my arms the idol of my foul, Her artlefs truth betray'd, her honour Hairy' d : She fipp'd a noxious draught, frompleafurc's bowL " Awak'd from guilt's delirium too late, She faw, and trembled at her fallen ftate ; Then tir'd of life, refign d her fleeting breath, And drank the balfam of confoling death. " Since then, though thirty times the rolling globe Its annual circuit round the fun have made ; Though thirty times in nature's vernal robe, I've feen the landfcape of the fpring array'd ; " Yet evVy eve, and ev'ry rofy morn, I've wept, and call'd on Adeline's bfcft 20 UNCLE JONATHAN'S REFLECTION. ...j, . -.- . . . , ___^. - - -r ' - _jj. " And when the moonbeams trembled on her Urn, The folcmn offering of my love have paid. ** Tir'd of the hackneyM vices of mankind, Of friendfhip flown, and innocence betray'd ; The world and all its follies I refign'd, And fought repofe in yonder lowly glade. " Yet even there, the mem'ry of my grief, Preys like a vulture on my tortur'd breaft ; Where but in death can Albert find relief ? What but the grave can give the fufPrer reft ? " But now, methinks, a cheering beam of day, BreaVs through the cloud to chafe my gloom away, And th' Angel Hope, upborne on wings of love, Whifpers, " We Hill may meet in realms above. 7 ' He ceas'd, andrais'd to Heav'n his languid eyes* And a low figh difmifs'd him to the ikies. UNCLE JONATHAN'S REFLECTION. I often think of the words of my uncle Jona- than who was fitting by the firefide one day, and after knocking the afhes out of his third pipe upon the top of the andiron, and very deliberately placing one leg upon the knee of the other, " boy," fays he, (for I was (lan- ding directly oppofite to him) " boy," fays he * you have yet feen but little of the worlc}; you know not, as yet, what difficulties and dangers mankind are obliged to encounter, and what thorns and briers are fcattered to entangle them in almoit every ftep of thtir journey through life. The fruits of the folly and misfortunes of men are continually hang- ing upon them, and whatever be their vigi]- UNCLE JONATHAN'S REFLECTION..- 21* ance and caution, trouble will fometimes hap- pen. Youth frequently are free from trou- bles and perplexities, becaufe they are not ex- pofed to them j but when they come to a 61 for themfelves, when they are obliged to live by their own labour, and earn their own bread, they will then fee, that ' man is born unto trouble/ I mull confefs that what uncle Jonathan told me made fo much impreffion upon my mind, that I have thought of it feveral times lince, and each time I have feen fome flrikiug inftance to confirm its truth. Coufm Peter, who lives but two dqprs to the eaft of me, is as clever and industrious a man, as ever trod (hoe-leather, yet he is far from balking always in the clear funfhine of profperity. He has a decent farm and a com- fortable houfe ; he labours hard, and lays up wherewith to treat a friend, and fupport him- felf and family, in foul weather and (icknefs. But notwithstanding all this, whenever he en- ters his houfe, whether with a fmile upon his count 'nance or not, it is ten to one but he is laboured over with a broonWticK. The fat is, he has gotten a fcolding wife, and if the Devil ever lived on earth, I believe that a fcoiding wife is one of his daughters. She is continually tormenting and perplexing him ; and whether in public or private, he is fure to bear the lalh of her tongue, if not the laih of fomething a little more painful. Finally, the .is ' a thorn in his fide,' which he cannot pof- fibly get rid of j and the whole neighbourhood 2-2 UNCLE JONATHAN'S REFLECTION. believe that the poor man is born unto trou- ble. Neighbour Scrapewell, is another (Irange charafter of thefe ilrange times ; he is very far, however, from pofleffing all the gentle- nefs of my coulin Peter, and far lefs, from in- dulging his liberality and benevolence* He is continually complaining of poverty, though he has thoufands in the old iron -bound cheft, which in all probability will fall into th hands of fome greedy heir, who is now wifliing for his departure. His wife is as kind a creature as ever lived, and is ever ready to do every good fervice that lies in her power ; and he is ready enough to grant her this liberty, provi- ded it coil no money. But as foon as ihe be- gins to mention, or even hint, that a little of his treafure is wanting, you will fee him very deliberately rife from his chair, and with quite ?,n ungracious afpet, limping acrofs the floor, cur (ing and reprobating the folly and extra- vagance of the world, s and women, fays he, in particular, have continually fome foolHh notions in their heads, which, if men have a mind to gratify, will reduce them to poverty at once, Pll not give away a (ingle farthing of my money,' and I believe he is as good as his word ; for his children went to fchool fcarcely a day in their lives , his family are ever deflitute even of the moft necefiary ar- ticles, and he would even itarve himfelf, if he could thereby add a fingle cent to his (lore. Who can doubt that this man and his whole family are born unto trouble ? JONATHAN'S REFLECTION. 23 Tom Ratcle was early in youth pufFtd up with all thofe high notions of pride and dig- nity which, his becoming heir to a large for- tune, would tend to imprefs upon him. At nineteen he married, and he and his lady fcarce ever attempted to make the lead movement without being attended by a coach and fix, and at lead half a dozen fervants. Balis, parties of pleafure, and indeed the whole round of rafhionable amufements were punc- tually attended ; fo that in a very fhort time they acquired the name of being very accom- pllihecf. But fuch diflipated habits, you mud well know could not be permanent, without nn almod inexhaudible fund to fupport them. This was really the cafe ; for after a few years Mr. Rattle's creditors, having repeat- edly called, and finding themfelves likely fo be cheated out of their dues, came upon him at once, and dripped him of all his bpafted wealth. T hofe who once were his mod flat- tering courtiers, are now his mod grievous oppreffbrs, and his former warmed friends are now his greated enemies. It is fufficient to obferve, that he was at once thrown from apparently the mod fluttering profpels to the mod abject date of want ; and deditute and ignorant of bufinefs, he is now left with a wife and family upon his hands, without a friend to affift or to comfort him. He is cer- tainly wretched, and born unto trouble. I have feen the diftrefies of my fellow crea- turcs> I have pitied them for their misfor- tunes \ and, whenever the truly deferying have 24 UNCLE- JONATHAN'S REFLECTION. come within my reach, as far as my humble circumstances would allow, I have afforded them relief. Inexperienced as I am,, in the ways of life, I have, never thelefs, feen and endured many of its troubles and diffi- culties. At an early period, my parents died and left me a patrimony barely fufficient to complete my education. Since that time, I have been expofedto all the vices, wickednefs and temptations of the world ; but, by my own prudence and reafon, and the advice of a few generous friends, whom fortune has always afforded me, I have been enabled to outride dorms and tempefts, and arrive fafely to the prefent moment. The want of proper- ty and home, abfence from my dear connecti- ons, and a little of the hypochondriac witha], fometimes mod violently aiTail me, and though people in general imagine me to be one of the wildeft of their acquaintance, (for I al- ways keep the mod gloomy 'fide to myfelf) yet I have many unhappy hours, and un- pleafant meditations. But God wiil affuage the wrongs of the aggrieved ; and if we walk in the path of the prudent, and the counfel of the wife, we may reafonably anticipate the fmiles and the fa- . vour of heaven. THE MOCKING-BIRD, THE MOCKING-BIRD. The fweeteft warbler of the fhady grove, So oft made vocal by his plaints of love, Left the wild beauties of the fcene, And fought the bufy haunts of men ; In fearch of yet nntafted joys, Though fond, like them, of glitt'ring toys Or elie to kill the tedious hour, He leaves awhile the nuptial bower, Where his foft mate, fill'd with maternal cares., The future nurfery of his love prepares. Perhaps, he flies thefe fcenes of rapturous bliis, Where all the -Heaven of faithful love was his, Till death his deareft treafure Hole, And defolated all his foul ! The widow'd wand'rer, fond to ftray ; Unhaedful of his devious way, It chanc'd the city caught his view, Fate urg'd him on away he flew : Near the deep vale a lonely manfion rofe, And one fair tree where he might court repo&. He gain'd the tree he fought the topmoft fpray. Where oft he trill'd his foft melodious lay ; While, as he fwell'd his downy throat, And lengthened every mournful note^ He footh*d his troubled foul to reft, And hufh'd the tumult of his breaft ; Thus, harmony fufpendecl grief, And fuff'ring nature found relief, Some kindindulgent power, his choice mi^ht guide, Its widow *d lord to cheer, to him in fate allied. He grateful, liften'd to the various fong, And pray'd him, oft repeat and ftill prolong, The fadly-fweet, alternate itrain, Nor feek his native woods again, Content, the little warbler ftay'd, The tree was good for food the (hade c 26 THE MOCKING-BIRD. Was grateful, from th noon-tide heat, There he might chufehis fhelter'd feat, While fympathy, beguilM die live-long day, For hearts refpondent charm their woes away Alas ! how fhort-liv'd e'en thisj/#<?<if of peace, How evanefcent ! as th' extreme of blifs ! For now, a favage foe appear'd, With inftruments of death ! prepar'd. That men might praife his wondrous ikill, 'Twas his inhuman fport to kill ! His murd'rous eye, had mark'd the prize, His heart had faid The victim dies ! The blamelefs minflrel* ignorant of guile, Still chirps and fings to cheer hib heart the while. With cautious Heps and flow, the fiend drew near, Th' unconfcious bird, who knew no caufe of fear, Purfued his foft mellifluous lay, Still fond to chufe the topmoit fpray ; Satanic joy his foe pofTeff'd, His eye fuch horrid joy exprelT'd, Too certain was his dreadful aim, Too fure to quench the vital flame ; For fee ! alas ! he falls he faints he dies ! On the cold earth, a mangled corfe he lies ! Poor, lucklefs bird ! thy defUny fevere, Wrings from her foul, the fympathttic tear, Who, long by tyrant man oppreft, With thee would gladly link to rdt ; This boon denied, fhe breathes to feel Wounds deeper, than transfixed by ftcel, And ilill repeated by the foe, Inflicting lalling, deadly woe. TF?y milder fate, then why fhould fhe deplore, Whointhegrave alone, fhallfigh and weep nomorer BAGATELLES. 27 BAGATELLES. A Student at one of our Colleges, fome years fince, by the name of Tucker, who was remarkable for large teeth , and another by the name of Green, whofe nofe was not the leaft prominent feature of his face, one day warmly difputed the point of precedence in Arithmetical knowledge. As the contefl grew warmer, and was not likely foon to be compromifed by themfelvcs, they referred the matter to the dccifion of a ftudent in the clafs above them. In difclofing the difpute to this arbitrator, they agreed that he {hould propound a knotty queflion, and the one who {hould folve it with the mod expe- dition, and, in his judgment, with the moil propriety, {hould bear the palm. After con- fidcrable hefitation and unwillingnefs to com- ply on the part of the Referee, and in- creafing importunity on the part of the difpu^ tants, he propofed the following very ingeni- ous and keenly f;tirical queition, which at once ended the conted :- " If Tucker's teeth three fcore of beef, " Confume in half an hour j " I pray difclofe, what chance Green's nofe " Would itand, if in their power ?" A virgin of twenty-five^ was lately throwing out fome affected fneers at matrimony, when a grave friend in company obferved, that " marna^s were made in Heaven." Can you tell me, fir, rejoined the ily nymph, why tncy are iojlow in coming doivn* BAGATELLES. An American having brought up his fon to the profeflionof the Bar, was afked in what branch of the law he propofed to diftinguifli him. " Why," fays the old man, alluding to the Criminal Law, " I believe fomething in the banging line" The death ofa Mifer y was lately announced thus "On Friday lail died, Jofiah Brain- tree, of Bennington, at the age of 98. He retained his money to the lad." A man obferving, that there was hfs dan- ger from a wound on board a fhip, when the fea was rough, being afked the reafon, anf-. wered, becaufe one furge-on comes after ano- ther exceedingly fail. A merchant advertifed a commodity for fale, and gave notice that he would take in payment all kinds of country produce, except, promifes ! A Gentleman by the name of Barryl, in. one of the Northern States ; made a Speech, in which he fpoke very loud and long. One of the. company not being pleafed with the harangue, obferved that an empty Barrel al- ways made the greateft found. A Lawyer in crofs examining a witnefs, aiked him among other queftions, where he was on a particdlar day, to which he replied, in company with two friends. " Friends?" exclaimed the Lawyer, " two thieves, I fup- BAGATELLES. pofe you mean." " They may be fo>" re- plied the witnefs, " for they are both Law- yers /" An old negro by the name of Harry, who lived in New Jerfey fome years ago, com- monly made it a practice on -holidays, to go round the country begging. One Chriftmas, meeting a Mr. Nicholas G. he thus accofted him " good morning mafsa G. wiih you melly Clifmus ; pleafe gib ole negur fispence dis morning ?" Mr. G. who well knew the negro, but determining to have a Iktle fun, replied with fome. degree of fternnefs, " who are you ?" " Mafia no know me ? anfwered the negro, my name Harry ; dey call me ole Harry ." Old Harry ;" " fays Mr. G. " they call the Devil old Harry." " Yes mafia," re-- plied the negro, " Some time ole Harry, fome time ole Nick." The wit pleafed, and Harry was folaced with a dollar. A phyiician had a ikeleton fo fixed, that on entering the room a fpring was touched, when, in an inftant it grafped the perfon en- tering. A ftranger called on the do&or for fome medical aid, and was (hewn into the room where the ikeleton was ; it feized him in a moment he up with his fid to defend himfelf ; but, to his great aitonifhinent, he faw the ghaftly figure difengaging itfelf, when he flew from the houfe like lightning. A few days after, meeting the do&or, (who C 2 30 BAGATELLES. might be called a walking fkeleton,) coming out of his houfe " Ah, are you there ! you think I don't know you, with your clothes on ? he feized the doctor by the throttle, and beflowing a few hearty whacks ; take that for the fweat you gave me the other day." Some time fince, a captain of a veflel had a quantity of coals to go on board, and as a great number lay fcattered about the wharf, he thought it would be beft to get a fake that he might more fpeedily collect them together,, he went into a counting houfe and enquired of the merchant, whether he could have the, loan of a rake for a few minutes? The mer- chant fmiled, and looking flgnificantly round at his clerks, faid, I believe I have a number of them, but no one who will readily anfwer your purpofe ; the captain comprehending the pun, replied, I think you are quite rightj for neither of them, I fuppofe, would wifh tp be u hauled over the coals?' NOTE FROM THE DOGS IN NEW YORKj TO THE PUPPIES IN THE COUNTRY. The dogs of the city prefent refpelful compliments to thofe who live in its vicinity, or who ufually come into town, and beg leave to inform them, that after the id of June^ next they are under the painful neceflity of declining the vifits of their fuburban ac- quaintances a law having paffed which fub- K&s to a penalty of ten dollars any dog, However genteel his manners, or important THE BLACK-E1RD, IN WINTER. 3* his prefence, who may be found collarlefs in the ftreets of New York. The city dogs are extremely forry to be thus deprived of the en- dearing company of their friends who ufually come into town to enjoy a bone, or fight a bat- tle. They fincerely hope that the reign of the dog days will foon be over, and that the delightful intercourfe at prefent exifting, will not be long interrupted. In the index to a certain book, containing " the rules that govern our daily conduct," is faid to be this odd reference " Swine fee Jujllces of the peace" Some time fince, one of the learned judges of the fupreme court was rallying a member of the committee who revifed the laws of Vermont, on the fingular- ity of the reference, when a gentleman prefent, obferved to " his honour" that he re- collected one in the fame index (till more fingular, viz. u adultery" fee Judges of the* fupreme court. THE BLACK-BIRD, IN WINTER. Poor bird ! my heart is truly was, Forlorn to fee thee wand'ri'i' fae, Whar ilka thing's thy mortal fae, E'en heaven's vice-gerent Unfeelin* man he waits to flay Thee like a tyrant. Aft times whan e'enin' frae her den, Staw faftly up the dewy glen, I've ft en thee far frae treachVous men Thy ibnnet fingm*, loud refoundin' to thy ftrain The groves war ringiri'. 32 ' WRITTEN AT SEA. But ah ! the times are fadly chang'd ; The leafy foreil whar thou rang'd Clean bare by gurly winter fcraing'd, Nae bield it yie'ls An' hunger makes thee quite efi rang'd To open fiel's. In hoary mift wi' biting breath, Stern winter reigns in gloomy wrath, Though calm the air yet fraught wi' death It brings ftarvation, An' thou maun feek, to fcape the fcaith, Som 'ither iiation. Alas ! before the cottage door, In humble mood thou s tain to cow'r ; Though bawdrons crouching to devour, An' riddle traps, Await thce fiill, thou looks them o'er For antrin fcraps. Yet ah ! in this thou's no thy lane ; Thy fate is aft the fate o'men, Wha in their actions fair an' plain, Nae guile expect Till driv'n on knaves quite unforeieen They're fairly wreckt. Happy thy fate comparM wi' their' s : Returnin' fpring fhall end thy cares, But ah ! nae changin' tinie repairs The broken heart ; Still weepin' recolleclion tears Wi' double fmart. WRITTEN AT SEA. ON the deck, in the filence of night, I wiitch'ci the pale moon in the weft ; When the billow reflected her light, In fancy's gay vilion expreit : MY NATIVE HOME. 33 All the woes my fond bofom e'er bore, From remembrance were fever'd and fr<;e> And I faw not the cloud palling o'er, 'Till it figured the emblem of me. While the dim cloud was melting in air, Her mild fplendour again I drfcern'd, Not fo, I exelaim'd in defpair, Have the fmiles of my ANNA return'd ; As the heavens, my love was o'ercaft, $ut the fcene is itill gloomy and drear, For the dark (hade of forrow when paft A Ltft the profpect enfhrin'd in a tear. MY NATIVE HOME. O'ER breezy hill or woodland glade, At morning's dawa or clofing day,, In Summer's flaunting pomp array'd, Or penfive moonlight's filver ray; The wretch in fadnefs ftill (hall roam* Who wanders from his native home. While at the foot of fome old tree, As meditation foothes his mind, Lull'd by the hum of wand'ring bee, Or rippling ftream or whifpering wind, His vagrant fancy ftill (hall roam, And lead him to his native home. Though love a fragrant couch might weave, And fortune heap the feftive board-, Still mem'ry oft would turn to grieve, And reafon fcorn the fplendid hoard ; While he, beneath the proudeft dome, Would languifh for his native home. To him the ruihy roof is dear, And fweetly calm the darkeit glen, While pomp, and pride, and power appear, At bell the glitt'riug plagues of men ; 34 DECEIT. Unfought by thofe that never roam, Forgetful of their native home. Let me to Summer's (hades retire, With meditation and the Mufe, Or round the focial winter fire, The glow of tempered mirth diffufe ; The winds may howl, arid waters foam, I ftill (hall bleis rny native home. And oh, when youth's ecftatic hour, And paffion's glowing noon are paft, Should age behold the tempeft low'r, And forrow blow its keeneft blaft, My (hade no longer doom'd to roam, Shall find the grave a peaceful home. DECEIT. OH ! that the human form (hould wear, Deception's garb for pelf ; Or, hated vice, the femblance bear, Of Innocence itfelf ! Almighty Parent ! when thy word, This nice machine began ; Why did this paffion interlard, The various powers of man ? Why (hould the feeming- graces join, Its natal horofcope ? Or, fober manhood e'er combine^ To blaft the virgin's hope ? Why (he in turn , urg'd by Deceit, Though robbM of prifline worth ; With borrow'd modefty elate, In virtue's guile walk forth ? And why fhould hoary age. un wreath Truth s garland ; once its own ? THE WITHERED ROSE. Or, quaint illufion ftalk beneath, A fanclimonious frown ? Creative Father ! though thy ways Seem intricate and dark j Yet Faith's illuminated rays, Shall cheer the vital fpark. THE WITHERED ROSE. How fair wert thou, when firft mine eye Caught the light tint thy leaves that dreft ; Juft burfting from obfcurity, To court the zephyr to thy breaft. To me thou didft recall the time, When hope and fancy wing'd my days ; When in my joyous youthful prime, No peniive note e'er mark'd my lays. Thou too like me wert but half blown, Ere drooping for thy parent foil, Thy richelt fragrance far had flown, And death had ta'en thee as his fpoil. He bow'd thy unafluming head, And paler made thy modeft glow, Which boafted ne'er the brighteft red, But fuch a blulh as pale cheeks know. Thy lively green is faded too, And thou doft not one trace retain, Of that fweet flow'r the pcafants woo, To waft its perfume o'er the plain. Poor Rofe, adieu ! may I like thee, When " death has laid my green head low," Have fome fond friend to fi^h for me, And mourn for buds that never b^ow. 3<5 BEEFSTEAK AND OYSTERS. WRITTEN WHEN CROSSING THE ATLANTIC. Great fcene with awe I hail thy azure wave ! And the great author of thy birth adore, Who firft to thee thy wide dominion gave, Round every ifle, and each indented fhcre. But oh ! what horror does the fearful mind Aflail, embarked upon thy trembling foam, Some fiend he thinks, that comes in every wind, Denies his courfe ; and when returning home, Danger affrights him on the midnight main, When drowning cries in roaring waves he hears, Loft in defpair he wifhes once again, To tread that (hore, which danger more endears. Death in thy gloomy chambers doth refide, And thy deep face reflects his horrid form ; Come to my bark ! fair fpirit of the tide, And guide me from the dsemon of the ftorm. BEEF-STEAK AND OYSTERS. What fignifies all the difpute refpeUng the queftion of fuperiority in the ancients or moderns ? Sir William 'Temple , and Doclor Bentley and Doftor Wctton> and the Earl of Orrery^ might have med ink till this time, and never would the fuperiority of the anci- ents refpedUng a knowledge of the properties and the right ufe of the OYSTER have been ef- tablifhed to the fatisfa&ion of GEORGE WAT- SON. I am clearly for the fuperiority of the mo- derns. What are the facls ? So fuperftiti- BEEFSTEAK AN OYSTERS. 37 tious and ignorant were the ancient Greeks : 'd Romans, that they believed oyfters to grow fat with the two firft quarters of the moon, and become lean with her waning. Oflreis et conchy His omnibus fays Aulus Gellius^ contigh^ ut eum Luna crefcant pariter^ pa^iterque deirefcant : fo fays Cicero. Gellins quotes Lu- eilius^ Luna a lit oft re a : Horace a lib fays, naf* eentet imp lent conchy lia Luna. It is true they had-fome tafte refpe&ing the reliih of oyf- ters ; and knew how to diftinguifti well. What fays Juvenal of the nicely difcrimina- ting laile of an oyiler epicure ? Circeis nata forent an Lucrinwn ad faxum, R.utup'mo've edita fundo Oftrea y calcebat prhno depreh-endere morsu : i. e. he could tell at the firft iafte whether they came from the Caietan rocks, the Bay of Lucrinum in Campania, or from Richbo- rough, in Kent county, in England. And Horace mentions the great fuperiority of the Circean oylters: Murice Baiano metior Lucrina peloris, Oftre r * CircafiS) Miftno oriuntur c-c.iini. So alfo Pliny : Circxis autem oftreis neque dulciora neque teneriora, efle uila, &c. In fhort, it is my opinion, that the Circean oy-f- ters very much refembled the oyfters at my houfe called the YORK COVE and Qu HN'S CREEK. They knew as well as we, that the br.i\ oy tiers are taken from the coves ; optima Junt oftrea, fays Pliny, si quando LACUS adjacet vut Jluvius ; by which, fays Cajaubon, we are D 33 BEEFSTEAK AND OYSTERS. to underftand, the Cove oyfters. But what is this to the purpofe ? It only (hews that the ancients had a relifh for ra<w oyfters. She., me that they ever cooked. Where is a trea- tife in Greek or Latin, on roafting^ Jlewing^ frying^ and other ways of drefling oyfters ? Here is a proof of modern fuperiorhy. They had no houfe set apart for the particular pur- pofe of regaling the lovers of this delicacy. Juvenal to be fure mentions a bad lady's eating great oyfters at midnight. Grandia qux mediis jam noctibus ojlrea rnordet $ but from the context it may be feen that (he bit them [or rather ate them ofF mor- f/ef] at home. This is another proof of mo- dern fuperiority. In fhort, had G. Watfon time to examine the writings of the ancients, (much of which he has forgotten fince turn- ing his attention to the delightful talk of pleafing the palate of a patronifing public) he might prove in almoft every way, as it refpe&s the oyiter, that the ancients were far, very far inferior to the moderns. One proof more. Did they ever know the union vi beef jteak and oyfters ? Homer may tell about the am- brofta and neftar of his un-epicurean gods and goddeiTes, but where in the Iliad will you find a fyllable relating to beef (leak and oyf- ters ? It is all folderol ; they knew nothing of good living. Who firft difcovered the excellent quali- ties of the oyfter, and brought into general uie this firft of fheli fifli ; in comparifon with which crabs, lobfters, craw-fifn and clam?. BEEFSTEAK AND OYSTERS. 39 44 hide their diminished heads?" Did I know the name of fuch a " benefa&or of the hu- man race/' I would build him a monumcntum <zre perenniits^ made of gold and cemented with oyiler lime. For nouri foment what equals the oyfter ? What fays " IVillich on Diet and Regimen," a work that ihould be in every family ? 44 Oyilers are eafily digelted ; they may be eaten with great advantage by the robufl, as well as the weak and the confumptive ; they pofTefs more nutritive animal jelly than almoit any other." Though G. Watfon's reading is not fo extenfive as that of thofe who have read more than he has, yet he muit acknow- ledge that neither in Galen, nor in Hippo- crates, in Cullen or Bocerhaave, has he ever found half a fyllable againfl the wholefome- nefs of this fovereign of bivalved cruftaceous aquatics. This animal, that lives in a houfe not made with hands, with but one door, for cheapnefs, flavour and falubrity, Bears like the Turk no fhell-fifh near his throne. Come then to the oyfter reftorateur where {hall be wanting, neither WINES red and white , rojy faced BRANDY, pure unfpotted GIN, good old JAMAICA, foaming PoRTRH,^iri//^g CYDER, nor invigorating BEER. Cato the Cenfor (and where find we a more rigid moralift ?) was wont to fay, as Plutarch informs us, that a few glafTes of wine, a (filled the difcuflion of philoibphical fubje6ls. Sir John Hawkins fays of another rigid moraliil, Doctor Johnfon, that he fcldom more enjoyed 40 BEEFSTEAK AND OYSTERS. him fell, than at a well ordered public houfe, v/ith his literary companions. It is the abufe, not the ufe that injures health, wealth and reputation Oh confider the dreadful ravages of intemperance. This ugly monfter, " Tis ftrange he hides him in frefh cup's foft beds, c Sweet words, yet hath more minivers than thofe ' Who draw their fword in war/* G. Watfon hopes that no one will fuffer his glnfs to iv ear the breeches ; nor even to permit his cheek to be crimfoned beyond the temperate due of Hygeia's rofe. Thou def- troying angel intemperance ! the fword and the plague bring but their hundreds, whilft thou'bringtft thy thoufands to the court of death. What Virgil fays of the bees may be applied to intemperance. Trifli languebunt corpora morbo, Quod jam non dubiis poteris cognof< ere fignis ; Continue eft segris alius color ; horrida vuitum Peformat macies ; turn corpora luce carentum jxportant teclis, et triftia funera ducunt. But let me draw towards a clofe, by ob- ferving that I am a great lover of peace of mind, and have a great affection for all my fel- low-creatures. I hence ftrive to prevent any injury to my feelings, or the feelings of others. There is nothing that touches G. Watfon's nice fenfibility fo quick, as a neglect on the part of his kind cuitomers, to fettle all arrears, before leaving his houfe. With all his benevolence towards his friends, he mud fay, that he expects a reciprocation of favours / ikis indijperifo&fe return is PECUNIARY and IM- MEDIATE, THE BUMMING BIRD. ' 4! THE HUMMING BIRD. Light wand'rer of the summer fky, Whofe gloiTy plumes of beauteous dye, To my charm'd light in {hades unfold, Each lucid tint beiprent with gold. Oh lovelieft of the tribes of air, To yonder od'rous (hade repair ; For there the lily fp reads her charms. And woos thee to her fnowy arms : And there the honey-fuckle blows, And proudly fpreads each rival rofe. Repoie the mingled blooms beneath, And founds of fofteft mufic breathe ; Attention o'er each fenfe will iteal ; Each nerve the tender ftrain fhail feel ,. Of haplefs love the tale (hall tell, And ev'ry note in its fine fwell. To my fond heart thy tale relate, And mourn perhaps thy tiny mate, By treach'rous human wiles enihar'dj And plac'd within the wiry guard, To prove of abfence ev'ry pain, And of loft liberty complain ; Penfive, yet fweet; the fong muft be y Of love and fad captivity. Oh fly not ! quit not yet my fight 7 Still reft thou little airy fprite ! For fure thou art of fairy kind, And for their ufes wert defign'd. Oft haft thoufooth'd with plaintive flraiiir Of Oberon, the jealous pain, Or near the fair Titan ia's ear, Charm'd to repofe her ev'ry care ; The while her fportrve elfin throng, Hung round enamour'd of the long, And when within their green retreat? in mufic dance at eve's foft hour, They prefs the turf with tiny feet-, Thou art the minftrel of their bow'?-, D 2 42 CHARACTERISTICS. LIFE A STREAM. As through irriguous vales and fhadowy grove?, A mildly-murmuring ftreamlet viewleis roves, By verdant borders, wins its winding way, Efcaping through the fields in Fairy play ; Till rapid force th'increafing waters gain, And mingle with the fwelling main ; Thus may my devious life fecurely glide, Far from Ambition's blood-empurpled tide, By Riches unoppreiTed, its courfe purfue, !Nor mid Law's vortex be abforbed from view. When darknefs veils my evening's clofing hour, And nature yields to Time's refiftlefs power, May Death's cold hand my wearied limbs compofe ? And kindly grant the welcome Tomb's repofe. CHARACTERISTICS. I AM fond of the converfation of intelli- gent perfons, and am pleafed when in their company -, but my hopes have often been dif- appointed, by the peculiarities of fome who were prefejit ; who inftead of permitting the difcourfe to flow in its proper and unreftrain- ed courfe> dire& it to a particular channel, for their own gratification, or without dwell- ing upon any fubjedt, digrefs with as much celerity and frequency as Mr. Shandy. Among the foes to the freedom and plea- fure of converfation are thofe who obtrude re- marks on their own profeflion and occupation* Is Fulvius prefent if it be only obferved as a cause of regret, that fome late violation of the public peace, has pafTed without due punith- inens he inftandy interrupts you with an air of joy and impatience, and a(ks if you were at CHARACTERISTICS. 4J court yefterday ? " Did you ever here fuch a verdift as the jury found in the ation of Detinue, Peters verfus Peter fon ? I confulted Crok Jaq. and all the reporters, and every one is diretly, unequivocally and decidedly in fa- vour of the defendant I advifed his counfel to move for a new trial, or move it to the Dif- ttift by Superfedeas." Or is Medicus in the fame mixed company, probably you will hear much about fudorifics, ftimulants, fedatives, galvanifm, &c. &c. and he will talk in fo technical a ftile, that you will underftand him as little as you would an Hindoo. Religiofus will continually introduce relig- ious topics, as if it were criminal for a divine to enjoy innocent mirth, or as if he thought like the devotees of old, or the Monks of La Trappe, that the Almighty intended us for no other purpofes but to think, and talk of death. Scepticus who has lately read feveral new treatifes, will fuffer you, to liften to nothing but his comments on the futility of ancient fyftems. He will deny that the Sun is the fource of heat, or the reality of objects. He will contend that men are capable of arri- ving at fuch a (late of perfection as to render all legal retlraims unnecefiary, or that perhaps, in a century hence, (hips will fail under the ocean with as much facility as they at prefent fail on the surface. He cannot be at reft un- ]fs the difcourfe is controverfial, and will re-, mind you of thefe lines of Hudibras Who to their own opinions ftand faft Qnly to .have them ctew'd 44 CHARACTERISTICS. And keep their confciences in cafes As fiddlers do their crowds and bafes, Ne'er to be us'd but when they're bent To play a fit for argument. Difcufs, and fet a paradox, Like a ftrait boot upon the flocks, And ftretch it more unmercifully Than Helmont, Montaigne, White or Tully." Pedanticus is a young man, who has read, or rather fkimmed many books. He has few ideas of his own, and has never fuffered re- ile&ion to produce many. He cannot give a reafon for an opinion which he advances. He more refembles a common place book, than any thing I know. His defign is to pafs for a man of reading, genius and tafte, and to attain that character, it has been his practice, to note every pafiage that (Irikes his fancy, and get it by rote, and by repeating it in every company often, whether it be applicable or not, he has gained the reputation of great erudition, and a prodigious memory. For his quotations there is no ptace. There is no end to them> and whenever he appears, you mud either rudely out-talk him, affront him, or remain in profound filence, for he refem- bles Aaron's rod, he fwaliows up every fub- jel of difcourfe. Once when two merchants were fpeaking flightly of the price of tobacco, he exclaimed with a fudden flart, as if out of a profound re- verie, "this reminds me of a (lory I read fome time ago" and then proceeded in the narrative contained in the letters cf LordLvttlctorK oi THE SAILOR BOY. 45 the ftrange being who joined fome Englifhmen at a hunting match. Frothy is a gentleman rather diverting at firft, but ultimately as troublefome as the o- thers. He will not relate the moil trivial in- cident, without the a6tion and gefture of a public fpeaker. He formally and laborioufly proves facets and pofitions, which no one de- nies. He will harangue, ten minutes to prove that commerce cannot exift, unfupported by agriculture, or that the Virginian partridge commonly fo denominated, has no refemblance to the Englifli bird of the fame name with all the volubility of fuperfluity, and all the vehemence of emhufiafm ; until he almoft foams at the mouth, like Gil Bias chopping logic at Oviedo. THE SAILOR BOY. Dark flew the feud along the wave, And echoing thunders rent the Iky ; All hands aloft, to meet the ftorm, At midnight was the boatfwain's cry. On deck flew ev'ry gallant tar, Rut one bereft of ev'ry joy ; Within a hammock's narrow bound, Lay ftretch'd this hapldfs Sailor Boy. Once, when the Boatfwain pip'd all hands, The firft was he, of all the crew, On deck to fpring to trim the fail To fteer to reef to furl or clue. Now fell difeafe had feizM a form Which nature caft in fineft mould ; The midwatch bell now fmote his heart,, His hft, his dying knell it toU'd, TOASTS. " Oh God !" he cried, andiiifped for breath, " Ere yet my foul (hall cleave the ikies, (t Are there no parents brethren near, " To clofe, in death, my weary eyes. " All hands aloft to brave the ftorm, " I hear the wint'ry temped roar ; He rais'd his head to view the fcene, And backward fell to rife no mere. The morning fun in fplendour rofe, The gale was hufhM, and fiill'd the wave > The Sea-boy, far from, all his friends, Was plung'd into a wat'ry grave. But HE who guards the Sea-boy's head, HE who can fave, or can deltroy, Snatch'd up to Heav'n the pureft foul, That e'er adora'd a Sailor Boy. HOPE. How fad is friendfhip's parting hour* When *mxi >us throbs the bofom (Veil, How fondly memory lingers o'er The vanifh'd forms we love fo well. Alas ! what anguifh rends the heart ,In that fad hour when friends muft part. Yet young ey'd hope fhall turn the view, A cheering fcene of blifs to paint, When ftarting tears the eyes bedew, And all expreffion lhall be faint, To mark the joy with which we greet, That rapturous hour when friends fhall meefc. TOASTS. It has been a controverfy of long (landing, and was formerly fubjecl to much uncertain- ty, whether the ancient or the modern philo- fophers were fupcrior in wifdom. For -a TOASTS. 47 long time the ancients appeared to have ths advantage, and were particularly diftinguiftied above their rivals for their choice fayings and profound maxims,in which much deep thought was expreffed in few words, and the mod ad- mirable wifdom couched in (hort, pithy fen- tences. In thofe times a philofopher was the mod popular, as well as the moil eftimable of "men. The SEVEN SAGES were almoft wor- ihipped as divinities ; and few, even among the legiilators and defenders of the country, were honoured like a Thales, a Plato> or a Py+ tbagoras. Their difcourfes were liftened to as oracles, and every word that .dropped from their mouths, was recorded in the memories not only of their difciples, but of the com- mon people. From the recefles of their aca- demic groves, the people of thofe days were inftru6?ed in the principles of morals, the go- vernment of tlie paffions, and the conduct of life ; and the influence of their doctrines was diffufed through the (late with wonderful e- nergy. The methods however of the mo- dern fages are different from chofe of the an- cient. Inftead of fhort fentences and wife fayings, thefe great profefTors chiefly hold forth in learned lectures on their own inven- tions, diverfified with fpirited invedlives, and embellifhed with a profufion of fictitious nar- rative : fo that truth in their difcourfes, is {wallowed up and extinguished in a blaze of wifdom. The happy afcendency acquired over the community by thcfe great mailers, feems to be very nearly equal to that of a So* 4$ TOASTS. Ion or a Socrates. From a view of the eminent advantages of modern philofophy, aided by the art of printing, it appears that the fcale has been for fome time turning in favour of the moderns , and I am inclined to think, that in confequence of one extraordinary mo- dern invention, the queftion of relative fupe- riority may now be contidered as at reft. The invention I ipeak of is that of TOASTS. This is a fpecies of philofophy properly modern j being unknown to the Greeks and Romans, though fome fuppofe they have difcovered traces of a practice, in fome refpecls fimilar, among the Scythians and Gauls. Unknown to the ancient fchools, it is pra6Hfed by all the modern. Epicurus was ignorant of it \ and ytt nothing is more familiar to our mo- dern Epicureans. Cato the (loic never dreamt of it, and yet all our modern Catos arc well verfed in this fcience, and have its max- ims in cheir mouths, on all public occafions. The cuitom of TOASTS has now become a great branch of public inftruclion, and is doubtieis the happieft contrivance ever hit on for inculcating general principles. It com- pletely fills up that interval, where fomething appeared ftill wanting to give us a decided fupcriority over the ancients ; and while the prefs, manages all the details of do6lrine and difcipline, it is - referved to our fage toaft-ma- kers to rnftriit and refrefh the public mind with great leading truths, couched in the form of maxims, pointed with the fting of the e- pigram, and carried diredly to the brain by TOASTS. 49 the cheerful glafs. Admirable union of phi- lofophy and wit , of the utik and the dulci $ where the furly Diogenes fhakes hands with the jolly Ari/lippus ; and where Anacreon^ crowned with the olive and vine, fets to mufic .the divine words of Ariflotk and Plato> while he pours out libations to Bacchus ! It is here, at Tome public table, on fome periodical fc- lemnity, that modern fuperiority appears con- fpicuous. On fome jocund day, the phi- lofophers of all the fchools aflemble to eat, to drink, to hold wife difcourfe, and to utter profound oracles, under the discharge of can- non accompanied with loud huzzas. All a- like glow witli the pride of philofophy. Men of all fhades of character join in the expref- fion of fentiments and maxims worthy of the rnoft venerable fages, and feal the truth of them with the dafhing of glaffes, fwinging of arms, and cheering huzzas, fometimes three, fometimes fix, and at others nine, according to the importance of the toaft. A fet num- ber of wife fay ings are firft toafted in fuccef- fion. Thefe may be called the primary circle / which are ufually prepared with wife preme- ditation by the fathers of the fchools, and are intended to exhibit their grand fyltem of doc- trine. Then follows the fecondary circle^ vul- garly called VOLUNTEERS. They commonly comprife fuch eccentric flafhes of wifdom and wit as do not neceflarily belong to the fyftem, and yet fome times ferve to grace it wonderfully. Thefe are generally given out E 50 TOASTS. by the principal teachers : But fometimes a very humble tyro in philofophy will put him- felf forward and let fly a VOLUNTEER, that fhall adonifti the whole company. Mod of triefe toads of both forts, when analyzed, may be found to contain a definition^ a plaudit, a prayer and a curfe^ or fomc one or more of them ; and thus conftituted, they embrace nearly the whole circle of modern philofophy. The definition exprefics the pure abitraft doc- trine, and didinguifhing dogmas of the acad- emy ; the plaudit is the incenfc offered up to great men the prayer is the invocation of bleffing and the curfe what (hall I fay? What can it be but the voice of NEMESIS the AVEN- GER thundering in the ears of the wicked. If all the TOASTS produced within thefe few years and now extant, were colleded byfome able hand, they might be formed into a code of wifdom, that would remain immortal. Such a code, digefted with fkill and accom- panied with a learned commentary, would entitle the compiler to the gratitude of his country, and the praife of pofterity. To any one fo inclined, I could mention a few parti- cular toafts, which for their richnefs, and point would deferve a volume, or at lead a diflertation. While we have a fufficient number of learned toad-makers and patriotic toad-drinkers, we ought never to defpair We (hall be fafe, and philofophy will rifli. CITY LIFE. 51 CITY LIFE. I do not know what you meant when you urged me to vifit town ; you told me I {hould findthe folks very clever, and fee a great ma- ny fine things I partly believed you ; and yeiterday paid a vifit to my wife's half fitter, Mrs. Tumbleup, who lives in a houfc jammed in among a great pile of houfes, with a door yard about as wide as a carrot-bed. I got to town about ten o'clock in the morning ; and on inquiring of a young fellow where filler lived, he told me to ride down ftreet to the corner of the green, turn round the print- ing odice corner, and after going down flreet to Mr. -'s, turn round to my 1< ft, there fhe lived at the firft houfe on the right hand, juft at the head of ilreet. <J Much obliged to you," fays t " now I linow juft as well as I did before " The pup- py began laughing - 9 and I was left to inquire again, or find my way alone. The next man I fpoke to proved a little more civil ; he went with me till he could point out the houfe, and then wifhed me good morning. I found fifter's folks at breakfaft, late as it was ; they feemed glad enough to fee me, but looked crooked at my old boots ; and when I afked where I {hould turn the old horfe, they went to the door, and pointing down ftreet told me that Mr. 's liable was there. I thought this plaguy odd, feeing I had come confining ; however I began to think I muft do as I was bid \ fo I fcrambled &way through the mud, and faw old Sorrel CITY LltE. fafe in a brick (table as big as a meeting lioufe. By the time 1 had got back to fitter's and told wife's and children's love to her, and all that, the clock (truck twelve. I was glad to hear it ; as I had eaten very early breakfaft, I be- gan to feel pretty (harp fet. However I had my longing for my pains ; for not a bit of din- ner did I fee till after two o'clock : we then fat down to a fine looking piece of beef; but ife was not half roafted - y fo that I rofe from the table about as hungry as I fat down. After dinner, I was preparing to go down to the water fide, to do forne bufinefs for one of my country neighbours, when fitter told me I mutt be back by half paft four to tea. I o- beyed her punctually, and judging from our country pradtice, I hoped I fhould find fome butter-cakes, & ham to make amends for my tou?h dinner. On my return at the tea hour I found feveral young folks at the houfe, who, I fuppofe, had come there to fee fitter's elded girl Sophy. When I firft got in, Sophy got up and made a curtfey, and told them that I was Uncle Bruftiwood, and then told who they all were; but I have forgot now, & befides, I mud haften to tell you about my tea fcrape the very pickle of all the plagues which this town-vifit has brought upon me. After we had waited about half an hour, a lit- tle negro came out of the kitchen, with a tow- el tucked under his chin, lugging along a great tin platter as big as a bread-tray j I (tared like fca owl, and could not tell what to make of it, CITY LIFE. 53 The platter had about a peck of tea cups on it all full, befides a fugar pot, and I do not know what elfe : and to top off all, ths puppy brought it right to me ; I darted back the young folks tittered like a flock of blackbirds Sifter fcowled, and called out, " Brother don't drink hyfoii I'd forgot it !" The ne- gro then carried it to the reft : they all took a cup off the platter, and firft put a bit of fu- gar into it, and then drizzled in about three drops of milk out of a little thing no more like a milk cup than a gridiron. They held their tea cup in their hands and began to Tip, red hot as it was : Sifter faid, " You'd better try a cup of our hyfon, brother I guefs you'll like it." I thought I rnuft do as I was bid again ; ami fo I tried to work it as the reft did I got my cup into my hands : but I am fure it was hotter than the reft ; for the very faucer burnt my fingers ; and at this moment along came the negro with another platter full of bread and butter And now, had you feen me, you would have pitied me from your very foul.- In one hand I held the tea cup, as hot as a warming-pan ; and in the other a great bit of bread and butter ; and for my life I could not tell which way to go. to work to eat the one or drink the other. The fweat ran down my face with mere vexation ; but at length, as I was dole- ful-hungry, I made a greedy bite at my bread ; in doing this I tilted the tea-cup in the other fp that filler's hyfon flopped over on ow E 2 54 THE LIMNER. fingers, and fcalded me fo intolerably, that down went bread and butter, tea-cup and all. The butter fide of the bread fell fpat on the knee of my new velvet breeches ; and the byfon, after fcalding my knee to a blister, run down my boot to my very toes Up I jumped and capered about the room, like a bell-Qieep $ the boys and girls ran out of the room, and left fifter and me together. I wip- ed my velvets, while (he was picking up the fragments of my tea-cup ; and as ihe carried them into the kitchen, I feized my hat, took a French leave, got old Sorrel from the liable ; and after a ride o Eve hours I got fafe home at ten o'clock at night. I need not tell you that our folks were dole- fully frightened to fee me return at that hour ; that if you happen to call pretty foon, you may fee my new velvets half fpoilt ; poor me, limping round the houfe with a fcald on my knee as big as a leather apron, and wife fcold- ing like a bedlamite, becaufe, as (he fays, I have difgraced the family However, if I e- ver go to town confining again, they may fliip $ne for a jack-afs to the Weil- Indies. THE LIMNER. Egotifm is a fault, from which very few of ms are exempt. Newipaper editors, (I mean thofe only who fometimes write paragraphs) and newfpaper efTayifts, in particular, are generally egotiits. In a late excurfion I c:snie acrofs a great egotift, who had the ap- pearance and deportment of a gentleman, THE LIMNER. I took my feat in the mail-ftage with five other palTengers, all ftrangers to me, and who appeared to be but little acquainted with each other. " It is an uncomfortable mode of travelling," faid the egotift - I wifh I had taken my horfe and fulky. I have juft bought one of the beft horfes and the fineffe fulky in the ftate." The ftage plunged into a deep rut with fuch violence, that every paf- fenger was joftled from his feat " Curfed roads," exclaimed Egomet after he had re- covered his feat," it puts me in mind of a droll affair I lately had with the road com- miffioners in our town. I convinced them of the neceflity of attending to their duty." He then told a long ftory, of which I heard but very little, and ended with faying " I did not want the money myfelf ; I gave it to the poor." We pafled an elegant houfe. " A fine fituation," remarked one of the paflen- gers, " Tolerable", replied Egomet, u but I would not give my houfe in town for five of it. I got mine, a great bargain, too. I knew how the bufinefs was fituated ; and fo, took advantage having all the cafti by me." The next thing that drew our attention, was a car- riage, with a lady very tranfparently drefTed. A word was dropped concerning the lightnefs of fafhionable female clothing. " Ay," in- terrupted Egomet, " the lightnefs of female clothing! that reminds me of a funny joke that I gave a lady of the firft circle the other evening in company. I offered to bet her my gold watch againd one kifs, that every $6 THE LIMNER. article of her drefs could be drawn through my ring"; holding up his hand and difplaying an elegant diamond ring. A gentleman paf- fed with a very neat cane. Exclaimed Ego- met, " if I did not know pofitively that I left my gold-headed cane locked up at home, I could fwear that man had flolen it." You may fuppofe, that by this time, we were all convinced that Egomet, was a man of high (landing ; and, thus far, it would ap- pear that he was executively oftentatious. Circumftances, however, foon arofe, which let us into a knowledge of his true character. Egotifm, monftrous Egotifm, was his foible. He chofe to be the hero of every tale. He wiOied to be thought an adept in every thing. We halted for dinner. A roafted pig was brought on. He carved it with great dexter- ity. " This pig is badly drefled," faid he " I always drefs my own pigs at home. I trull nobody elfe with it. " A buxom girl waited upon the table. She ftepped out of the room. " I never fee one of thefe tavern- maids, but I think of a curious frolic I once had"-- -* . 'She came in and in- terrupted him. After dinner, we heard a noife, at the door. Two fellows were engag- ed in boxing. They- fought badly, and were parted. " Blundering clogs !" exclaimed Egomet, " I could whip a dozen fuch in ten minutes." In the afternoon, paiTing a large field, we beard the report of a gun. A man had fhot a lark. I am very fond of that fport," faid GRAVITY. 57 Egomer, " I have a fowling-piece at home that coft me forty- feven guineas in London \ and it was cheap enough too, I never milled my mark with her bat once, and then (he was very foul. " Crofling a dream, we faw a boy angling for trout. This gave rife to a tedious (lory about angling ; and thus the whole day pafled, no perfon having an op- portunity to fpeak but Egomet j and he care- fully avoiding every fubjecl but himfelf. As I am fomething of an egotift myfelf, you may conclude, I was not a little pleafed to find that he had got tohis journey's end that evening. GRAFITT. SIR ISAAC, that furprifing Man, Long toil'd, with fruitlefs induitry, The univerfal Caufe to fcan Ere he difcover'd GRAVITY. At length, one day, by chance, he fpied. An apple failing from a tree ; Then with triumphant joy he cried " Fhe thing I fought for! GRAVITY." That all things to their centre tend, Since NEWTON'S days the Learn'd agree ;, Prince, Statefman, Soldier, Lover, Friend, Has each his point of GRAVITY. Self-intereft, ambi'Jon, love, Compofe the mighty Centres three, Tovr'rds which all human creatures move, With various pow'rs of GRAVITY. The Judge, who looks fo fternly juft, So void of partiality, Uke other atoms of frail duft, Js Ipiafs'd oft by GRAVITY,. 58 THE WiTLJNG AN 7 D CLOWN. The Lawyer, who turns black to white, And vice -verfa, for a fee,- Acknowledges his magic n;ight, Depends on golden GRAVITY. The fage Phyfician, to whofe Ikill, We truft our lives, if fick \ve be, (Let his prefcription cure '.r kill) Owes half his fame to GRAVITY. The crafty fon of Merchandize Who labours like the bufy bee, Both when he fells and when he buys, Puts on the maik of GRAVITY. As for the poor hard-toiling race, It needs no great fagacity, Their plain propenfities to trace, Without the aid of GRAVITY. But now I find the theme I fmg, Begins to operate on me So, Mufe, compefe thy weary wing, And fink in filent GRAVITY. EPIGRAM. Once two divines, their ambling fteeds befiriding, In merry mood, o'er Bofton neck were riding, At length a fimple ftruture met their fight, From whence the felon takes his hempen flight, When, failor like, he fquares accounts with hope, His all depending on a fingle rope - * Ah where, my friend/ cried one, * where now were you, Had yonder gallows been allow'd its due ?' ' Where? faid the other in farcaftic tone, 6 Why where but riding into town alone* WITLING 4ND CLOWW. A Witling of the dafhing kind Aik'd Hodge if he had feen the wind, <* Yes that I have quoth Hodge I vow/' 4< I faw a mighty wind juft now/' PROMISES IN BUSINESS. 59 " Ynufaw it Hodge ? it cannot be>" Replies the man of repartee. " Pray what was't like ? like" quoth the clown, " T'was like t* have blown my cottage down !" EPIGRAM. A Sportfman not lefs keen than he For quizzing wit and repartee, One ftormy night when winds blew high Efiay'd on Teague a hoax to try ; Alk'd what he'd take on diftant tow'r To face the pelting blaft an hour. * Take" quoth he for wits too old, " Take" what take ? " why take a COLD!!" IMPROMPTU. SAYS Thomas to George, " of what ufe is a key " But treafure from thieves to fecure ? 14 What then is't if left in full view at the door, " But rogues to the plunder t'allure ? To the queiiion of Thomas, George nodded " yes," 11 Why then replied Thomas, I fee, " The reafon why each pretty Mifs on her brea/l 9 ** Confpicuoufly fixes a key." PROMISES IN BUSINESS. Being a confcientious tradefman, and often put to ihifts and inconvenience to al with entire fatisfadlion to rriyfelf and cuftomers, I have had a deal of concern on my mind to find out fome method to ferve both them and myfelf to good purpofe : for I do not like to tell fibs unlefs I can gain fome advantage by it. The matter is this I am apt to promife to do work within a fixed 'period, and feldom keep my word. Thus a manbefpe^ks a pair of boots, and fays they muft be done by that <)0 PROMISES IN BUSINESS. day week ; willing to oblige him and fecure the job, I allure him, upon the honour of a gentleman, that they (hall be ready on the ve- ry day> knowing, notwithftanding, that I have already engaged more work than I can do in fix months. My cuftomer calls, exactly at the time, and were I equally pundual, all would be well but every body knows that the memory of the man who promifesis not fo exaft andy?r0;/g- as his to whom the promife is made, and fo it happens that I have forgot- ten the boots and fure it can be no crime to have a bad memory and if a man cannot re- member, how can he ? I make my apology accordingly, and pro wife anew but as my evil genius will have it, time goes on, and the ap- pointed day comes round again, and ft ill the boots are unfiniihed; difappointment fucceeds to difappointment, until at length my cutlom- er grows outrageous, and perhaps abufive. Now what is to be done ? I am .defirous of obliging every body, and yet fatisfy but few. Dick Trim lately affronted me very much. He came to my (hop, with a (trip of paper in his hand, on which he had noted down the number of times I had deceived him, and e- ven preferved a record of the very words I had ufed from time to time and really alarm- ed me as he read aloud, before my apprentice boys, the catalogue which he had preferved of my tranfgreflions ; and after that he pul- led a bible out of his pocket, and backed what he had already done with as many fcripture quotations, againlt liars, as made my very PROMISES IN BUSINESS. 6l hair (land on end , and in my confufion, be- ing jult at that time pounding a bit of foal leather, I hit my thumb and bruifed it fo vio- lently, that I have not been able to do any- work fince and fo, having leifure, I take the liberty of making matters known to you. This affair forely grieved me awhile, but I took comfort on remembering that as to the hardfayings in the Bible, they were uttered exprefsly againft the Jews a ftiff- necked, perverfe generation more than fix thoufancl years ago ; and even that fuch of them as are in the Teftament are very o/d, and almofl worn out. But, as Dick affronted me fo much, and I did not wifli him to make any more fuch unmannerly vifits, I got rid of him by making my boys finifh his boots and take them home ; and I am refolved, let what will hap- pen, he (hall never enter my (hop again; for I will let him know I have as rich relations, and am as good a man, and come of as good a fa- mily, and fupport as good a reputation as he, and am not afhamed to fpeak my mind to him, nor meet him any day only let him keep his fcrips of pap^r and his bible to him- felf and not come troubling his neighbours, who do not want any of his reading. But I do profefs, what with one, and what with another, ih> y almofl: put me be fide my- feif. A " cute" old gentleman in our flreet, knowing how my cuftomers vex me with their unreafonablenefs in expelling me to keep my word, -whether it fuits me or not, has recom- F PROMISES IN BUSINESS.- mended me to get a thing made, which will be a fort of wheel of fortune, and which (hall go flowly round, by internal clock work. To this wheel I am to have as many prizes as I have cuftomers, and as many blanks as I choofe - 9 and when a prize is drawn againft any one's name, the fortunate adventurer {hall have his w r ork done immediately. The advantage, he fays, will be here ; that all {landing an equal chance there will be lefs grumbling among the difappointed, each will be fortunate fome day and I {hall fave my poor brains numberlefs tormenting quan- daries, and my tender confcience fome twitch- es and qualms. At firft, I thought his pro- pofal a piece of queer impudence, or wag- gery ; but having confidered the matter, I am inclined to think well of it, believing it may prove a convenience ; and would alfo re- commend it to the notice of my brother me- chanics, and to merchants and others, who have occafion to make and to break a deal of promifes, when dunned either for work or for money ; for, it will prove a faving of time, and keep a man from telling fo many fibs ; and when any one calls for an anfwer, let him look to the wheel, and not bother the mafter of the (hop, who will, of courfe, take care .to make the machine move flowly and have a plenty of blanks. It was but lad week that a merchant's ap- prentice, a pert, forward chap, who left his boots to be repaired, only a few months be- fore, brought his marking pot and brufh, to PROMISES IN BUSINESS 63 my houfe, and receiving the ufual anfwer, without further ado made a long black ilroke quite acrofs my (hop wall, and faid that every time he came there after, and I told him a lie, he would do the fame. As I hate fuch do- ings, I plainly told him it was foolifhnefs, and would anfwer no purpofe, for, fays I, you will foon black the wall all over, and what will you do then ? " Do ! faid the faucy youth why then I will begin to mark with white, and after that with black again, until you get my boots done." Now I have no relifli for fuch nonfenfe, and (hall abominate his nafty markings, and would almoil as foon have another vifit from Dick Trim, with his flip of paper and bible j for they will be like a (landing reproach to me every time I look up, and alfo tempt fome of my other cuftomers to be equally mif- chievous, and if any one mould take it in his head to cut a notch on fome part of my (hop every time I difappointed him, I mould foou fee an end of (hop and all, and be literally cut out and yet I do not know but I am threat- ened with a worfe evil or plague than them all j for Joe Twift faid, but laft night, Si- mon, I have called fo often for the flioes 1 left here to be mended, fome months ago, that I am refolved I will call but once more." Ci Fellow, fays I, why I do not care if you never call again (for I had his moes and could lofe nothing as I thought) but he anfwered me, very coolly, that call once mere he would, and bring his taylors work with him, and not CHARACTERISTICS. ftir from my houfe, but eat, drink and Jletp with me, till his fhoes were mended ! Should others hear of Joe's threat, and be like mind- ed, I fhall foon be eaten out of houfe and home, and bufmefs too, and therefore I am de- termined to do fomething " right off hand" to get rid of ihtkpejlerments; fo Jhave been think- ing, that, if fo be you will get awheel made for me, and fend it to my (hop, I will put it up and try it, and then enter into a promife to make you a pair of boots. N. B. An apprentice wanted ; none need apply but of good char after and Jharp , fit to look after the wheel. CHARACTERISTICS. Fortunately for mankind, and the harmo- ny of fociety, our taftes and inclinations are as various and as different, as. our faces and forms. Although we all unite in one great objVfl: of purfuit, and all our wiflies and ex- ertions have happinefs for their end and aim, ftill, our ideas of the proper means to attain it, are always difiimilar, and often oppofite in the extreme. "Ail Nature's difference, keeps all Nature's peace," fays* the mod fenfitile of the Engiifli bards. The caufe of this difference is referred by metaphyficians and moralifts to the natural difpofitions, talents or bias of the mind, or, to mental habits and propenfities, acquired by education or other accidental cir- cumflanccs. But it is not my bufmefs to folve this wonderful enigma. In hot weather, it is better to make ourfelves eafy, and to CHARACTERISTICS. take logical dogmas for granted, than to puz- zle our brains with attempts to penetrate the grand arcana of the mind, or to difcover the reafon, why it is a ufelefs employment to difpute concerning the difference and variety of our taftes. My friend Dan Spondee, was of opinion, that the great fecret, whereby a man may gain univerfal efteem, confiits in gravity. He accordingly marched on through life with a folemn flep and ferious countenance and de- fcended into the grave with the " auftere compofure" of a difciple of Diogenes. Peace to his aihes ! Yet I have often fmiled ar his whim, and pitied his affectation, for he had affumed a character that " fat awkwavdly about him," and which encumbered and m- barraffed him mod grievouily. His tafte was formed very early in life, by living with an old gentleman, for whom, he entertained a degree of refpe6l, that rendered the ancient's words oracular, and even the nod of his head, a fubjecl: of high importance. Dan beheld the wig and fcarlet cloak of his venerable friend with fuperftitious awe. The gold- headed cane, was in his opinion an emblem of fanclity and honour, not exceeded by the fceptre of a monarch. If Dan fwore by the Moroccp flippers of Juftus, he efteemed his oath as iacred as the oath of the Celeitials by Styx, which bound the Gods with an in- difpenfible obligation. But alas, how vain are human wilhes ! How are our inclinations F * 66 CHARACTERISTICS. and our means at variance ! Poor Dan now lie's mouldering in an obfcure corner of a church-yard ; not a (tone marks his humble grave, and when his few furviving friends are no more, Oblivion's fable cloud {hall fet- tle on x his turf, and his name and remem- brance be utterly forgotten. Dick Beefiuax, has a bundle of habits ftick- ing to him, which will encumber him through life, and prove continual impediments in his progrefs towards the goal of his ambition. His tafle is for the fine arts ; his aim to ex- cel in them all ; and the confequence is, he is perfect in none. This is a common cha- racter ; yet Dick has fome fmgularities wor- thy of notice. Does he hear a lady play a number of airs, he is fure to applaud the word. He talks with gravity to children, difcourfes concerning the belles-letters with a mechanic, and prattles about love and ro- mances with a judge. He once affronted a party of modeft and refpeftable females, by quoting fomejingle entendres from a foreign publication, and in defence of his condu6l, paid a fine- compliment to the underftandings of his offended auditors by declaring, th?.t, the charm of novelty, was like the mantle of charity, and would effe&ually cover a mul- titude of fins. Dick, however, is di/lingui/Jjed y - and he thinks himfelf admired. This is e- nough for him, and vain would be the talk of endeavouring to correft his manners, by dif- putinsr with him about the evil tendency of bis taite. CHARACTERISTIC, 67 But, in order to prove, that each man has a doating partiality to his own tafte, it is not necefTary to feek for fingular and linking ex- amples among the whimfical and eccentric of our fpecies. A candid examination will con- vince every one of the truth. Shakefpeare fays, with that propriety of thought, and flrength of expreflion, by which all his writ- ings are chara&erifed, that " our judgments are like our watches ; not two agree, yet each believes his own." CHARACTERISTIC. To catch the " manners living as they rife," and to delineate them with a faithful pencil, have employed the labour and attention of the mod diftinguifhed ornaments of literature and fcience. This fubjeft though varioufly agita- ted, has not become dale and unintereiling In the revolution of time, it prefents to our view many diftint and difagreeing phafes, in- terfperfed with individual objects of fufficient importance, to attracl: our attention and inter- eft our feelings. To examine and defcribe thofe appearances as they occur in fucceflion ; to pourtray the manner^ of a people, or the character of a nation, is the buOnefs of th2 impartial and philofopick hiftorian, while to difcufs the cuftoms of a particular place, or the peculiarities of an individual character, falls more exclufively within the province of the obferving eflayilt ; who will always be fortunate if his fele&ion mould be fo happy, his imagination fo rational & excurfive, and 68 CHARACTERISTIC. his ftyle fo polifhed and correft, as to enchain the attention of the reader even for a few mi- nutes. In our intercourfe with the world, it is ne- cefTary that our habits and manners, (hould assimilate themfelves to thofe of the commu- nity in which we exift. The collective fenfe of mankind has every where ereted a general flandard ; the admeafurements of which are to direct us in cafes of doubt and dilemma. In this refpe6t, cuftom is literally a tyrant ; that which has been moft extenfively fanti- oned, is certainly preferable. It is as cogent an argument in favour of a particular ation, as it is in fupport of the meaning of a given word, to fay that practice has uniformly efta- bliihed it. Who is there possessed of a mind fo penetrating and a judgment fo infallible as ta juftify him in denouncing all the world befide; and in averting that his conduct alone is corret and dcfenfible. An oftentatious fingularity of manner, the invariable indication, of unbounded vanity and a contracted foul, is not more reprehen- fible than that afTumed vulgarity of manners, (ironically termed pMlofophick) which affets to deride the opinion of the world. Curius was a man of rather diminutive fta- ture, his form pofleiTed neither the elegance of proportion, nor the grace that is the confequ- cnce of activity, in fat, it was" juft not ug- ly." His face devoid both of fymmecry and regularity of feature, was like his body defici- ent in mafcuihie lineaments; and his CQWKG- CHARACTERISTIC. nance, though it wanted intelligent expreflion, had a half-cunning felf-fatisned cad, that at once introduced you to his charater : and if he frniled, your acquaintance with it might be faid to be complete. Had Curius known the celebrated Chefter- field, he would have regarded him with the moft abhorrent antipathy; infinitely would he have preferred the awkward rudicity of a clown to the feminine refinement of the ac- complimed Lord. Roman integrity and Ro- man simplicity were the eternal themes of his eulogy. I have feen him thrill with rapture while descanting on the character of Cincin- natus, and if the elegancy of modern times, prefented itfelf in contrail to his imagination, he would execrate and revile it until over- powered by the conflicting sensations of an- ger and contempt. Should a female wim to enfnare him, (he would much more certainly infure fuccefs by afTuming the manner and attire of the artlefs. tenant of the Hamlet, than by arming herfelf with the bow and quiver of the Cyprian youth, or the Ceflus of beauty. To have dreffed and a&ed in the cuftomary way, would have been to him the moil dis- treffing and mortifying punishment. Sooner \vould he havepafled for a thief than a fa- fnionable man. Rather than to have had a brilliant feal or a golden key appended to his watch, he would have foregone the ufe of it. In confequence of this, poor Curius, though highly efteemed by his friends, (for he had many truly valuable qualities) was pointed 70 MY MOTHER. at, even fometimes hiffed by the boys as he walked along the ilreets , and to the girls he was a fource of eternal amufement. Indeed his remarks, when combined with his truly ori- ginal manners, had (bmething fo peculiarly fingular in them, that they would have put to rout the moil determined gravity. With the highelt zeft for the pleafures of focial conversation he was frequently difappoint- ed in his enjoyment. Frequently have I fceu him leave the moft delightful circles, dif- guited and chagrined with an half formed determination to feclude himfetf for ever. From thefe unfortunate circumilances a heart of the molt ineitimable value, and a mind that was almoit amiable in its defects, be- came nearly infulated. He might be truly termed a microcofm. He was fo disjoined" by his habits and manners from the great ftrudlure of fociety as to form no part of the building which he teemed deitined to orna- ment and fupport. Mr MOTHER. WHO fed me from her gentle breaft, And huih'd me in her arms to reft, And on my cheek fweet kii&es prelt ? My Mother. When fleep forfook my open eye Who was it fung fweet lullaby, And rock'd me that I Ihould not cry ? My Mother. Who fat and watchM my infant head When fleeping bn my cradle bed, And tears of fweet affeftion Ihed ? My Mother, \ FRAGMENT. When pain and ficknefs made me cry, Who gaz'd upon my heavy eye, And wept for fear that I fhould die ? Who drefs'd my doll in clothes fo gay, And taught me pretty how to play, And minded all I'd got to fay ? Who ran to help me when I fell, And would fome pretty ftory tell, Or kifs the place to make it well ? Who taught my infant lips to pray, To love God's holy Book and Day, And walk in wifdom's pleafant way ? And can I ever ceafe to be Affectionate and kind to thee, Who was fo very kind to me ? Ah ! no, the thought I cannot bear, And if God pleafe my life to fpare, I hope I fhall reward thy care, When thou art feeble, old and grey, My healthy arm fhall be thy flay, And I will footh thy pains away, And when I fee thee hang thy head, 'Twill be my turn to watch thy bed, And tears of fweet affection fhed, My Mother. My Mother. My Mother. My Mother. My Mother. My Mother. My Mother. For God who lives above the ikies, Would look with vengeance in his eyes, If I fhould ever dare defpife My Mother. My Mother. FRAGMENT. MONITOR. A futile, inconclufive argument. Give me plain fenfe and unaffected truth ; FRAGMENT. I difbelieve your fancied, rapturous joys, Illufions all. Romance and Poefy ! Vile impofitions, formed to cheat mankind Of money, time, and manly energy. Oh mention them no more, I hate the found. AUTHOR. 'Tis fordid love of gold debafes you, Abforbing every foul-ennobling pafiion. The tear of fympathy, the god-like vvifh, Th' impafiioned glow of fenfibility, That, while it views the miseries of man, Affords alleviation ; thefe delights You never knew. MONITOR. Nor is it my defire. The fympathies, the fenfibilities, The tender woes, which affectation feigns^ Are foreign to my heart. I reprobate That foft, difgufting imbecility, Which quite emafculates our faculties. !No more purfue deceitful vanities, Imagination's fascinating pleafures, Or fportive fancy's fond, illulive wiles ; Abandon fuch allurements of the mind ; Be my companion, quit thefe vain delights ; Come, tread with me preferment's flow'ry path, And leave to madmen Fiction's airy flights. AUTHOR. Ceafe, tempter, ceafe to cenfure my purfuits ; For intellectual joys are permanent And pure. Deceptive, fleeting are the gifts Of affluence, of elevated ftation. When fmiling hours exhilarate our lives, For Fiction's charms increafe endeared enjoy- ments ; Or when calamity diffufes gloom, And wretchednefs ; then let imagination Waft us o'er mountains, groves, and vaks of blifs, Communicating pleafures unalloyed. T&E LITTLE tOT. 73 Far lovelier the tints, which Fancy's power Difplays to pale misfortune's mental view, Than all the fcenes of dark reality ; Far lovelier joyous day's irradiant hues. Than melancholy night's cbicurity. THE LITTLE COT. ROUGH Boreas now comes forth, Far from the diftant North, And coldly whittles round our humble dome's But we, iecure, admire Our comfortable fire, PofTefing joy, a friend, and happy home ; We look around, and blefs our obfcure lof ? Pleafure and mirth within our little Cot. While fome poor helplefs form, Doomed to the pelting ftorra ; Cold and dejected wanders o'er the plain, Made white by fleecy {how, Where ftreams no more can flow, Being bound by tyrant froft's defpotic reign $ How he would blels his comfortable lot, Cheerful and warm within our little Cot The focial fong is lung, While mute is ev'ry tongue ^ Attention's paid to ev'ry vocal ftrain, That fpeaks of battle's rage, Of heroes who engage In murd'rous war, and seek fupericr fame. We praife each feat and well conflrucled plotj While feated happy in our little Cot. Toil fills each patting day, But when it fades away, Nocturnal pleafures, rural fports fucceed ; We envy not the great Who ride in coach and Oate, "Convinc'd our life's felicity indeedj G 74 WAR AND PEACE. Peace, plenty, innocence, are all our lot } And fweet contentment in our little Cot. WAR AND PEACE. WHEN the fweet-fmiling Moon rolls her orb through the fky, And the white clouds are flying afar, I rove Through the grove> While no danger is nigh, And with penfivenefs utter a heart-broken figh, As I think on the horrors of War. O'er the earth, hoftile armies, in battle, around Spread deftru&ion and carnage afar ; While blood, Like a flood, Stains with crimfon the ground ; And the groans of the dying, unnumber'd refound ; Oh ! the merciiefs horrors of War ! lleav'n haften the time when the battle fhall ceafe* And dread terror be baniuVd afar ; When love Like the dove With the Emblem of Peace, Shall return to the Ark, and that wretchednefs ceafe, Which embitters the horrors of War. Then the vulture Defpair, from Mifery fly, And no ill-omen'd grief-bearing flar, Shall keep Gentle ileep From the fatherlefs eye, .Nor dlfturb the rcpofe of the brave, with a figh Far the wide waiting horrors of War. THE IDLER. 75 LINES Occafioned by overhearing an anfwer of one of the Turkifh Captives in New- York to fome quefiions refpe&ing his wife. The words were : 4< She look for me every day ; but I no come." NOW o'er the darkly heaving main, Her jet eye bright in forrow roves, And flill (he feeks, but feeks in vain, The fwel'ing fail of him fhe loves. A fail appears her heart beats high, And from the lofty terrace fee, The fignal fluttering to the fky, Which fhould have been my guide to thee. The whifp'ring breeze enamour'd, plays, *Midft each perfum'd and filken fold, And haft'ning low, the fun's laft rays Illume each tint, with brilliant gold. Alas ! in vain no anfw'ring figh, Proclaims Abdullah's glad return ? Yet, as 'twere Mecca's fainted flirine, Still doft thou watch the furge, and mourn. Retire, my love ! the ev'ning dew Will damp thy treffts, as they play ; Retire ! and in thy dreams review His image, who is far away. THE IDLER. A hungry wolf is not more dangerous to a flock of fheep, nor a cat to a moufe, than an idle man is to the induftry of a neighbour- hood. A pleafant (lory is told of a fellow who went into a town-market, and placing him felt in the centre thereof that he might be feen by the butchers, began to gape wide his jaws IDLER. and yawn in a formal manner \ when (fo great is the power of fympathy) the whole of the butchers, as they flood at their fhambles, began to gape and yawn in concert. This tale, whether true or falfe, is expla- natory of the influence of an idler on thofe within his fphere. The induftrious citizen, \vho views his neighbour lolling indolently in his porch, begins immediately to draw envi- ous companions. c Behold/ faith he ; * mine is a life of labour ; I toil, and I fweat ; but yonder man, who is no richer than I am, pleafantly pafleth away his time, puffing the cares and difquietudes of the world from him with fmoke from a fegar, or an old tobacco- pipe : I will go and do likewife.' Foolifk inan ! thou hadft better not. In the mid ft of Cummer, when the meridi- an rays of the Sun opprefs by their intenfe lieat the whole animal creation, who is there that has not experienced the attractive power of an idter as he loiters in die (hade ? " Lo!" crieth one , ' there is Lawrence feated under the fliadow of yonder building , doubtlefs it 25 a cool and a refrelhing place ; come let us go and fit with Lawrence" Friend, if thou. valued life, thou hadft better mind thy bu- finefs, and purfue an objel more eftimable than pleafure and eafe ; that will be profita- ble to thyfelf, to thy family, thy friends, or the public. Attracting by his evil example a circle of difciples around him, the idler becomes an important perfonage. He is the inftrument THE IDLER. 77 erf VICE and worketh wonders : The group whom the evil influence of his indolence hath collected together, amufe themfelves with tri- fles ; ferious and weighty topics of difcourfe are too burthenfome for their mind j quips, cranks, and legends only are palatable. When the chief idler hath fpread himfelf upon the portico, Nathan the carpenter efpying him. leaveth his work, and flies to him juil to.have a little chat. Then comes David the fmith ; and Ephraim the hatter ; and Barnaby the fcribe. The tale paiTeth round, and every one is merry Meanwhile the Sun journeyeth to the weft, and. the work of Nathan and David and Ephraim^ and Barnaby, is neglected ; and when called for, it is unfinished. Verily if they continue under the enchantment of the idler 9 poverty will overtake them. The idler is generally, mifchievous : He plajeth off tricks, and is always,contriving ilratagems. to render fome one ridiculous, in order that he may hav.e a fubje6t for merri- ment. He gathereth, on his memory the tat- tle of the day, and retaileth it in fcraps to re- gale his companions. A joke is his fupreme delight: and ribaldry.his higheft diverfion. Wherever thefe idlers, abound,., health,, wealth, and virtuous morals decay. They gather together corrupt youth, and lead them very often to- drunkennefs. Full many a pro- Knifing citizen has fallen a prey to the vicious* practices of an idler. Biware of kirn, therefore 5 for his is tie G. z. 7 8 NOBODY'S COMPLAINT. road 10 poverty, and the path that leadeth to miferv. NOBODY'S COMPLAINT. Aye Nobody and why not ? As for my flngle felf, I fee no jufl caufe or impediment why my name and a newfpaper (hould not be j >ined together, in the tenuous bands of fcrib- ling wedlock, as any other body. There is your Bufybody, and your Anybody, and your Somebody, and your Everybody each in his turn run the race of typographical notoriety i whilft I, who boafl a pedigree as great, nay, being elded of the Body family, of greater antiquity than either, am doomed to grope through the labyrinths of mere verbal confe- quence. Againil fuch an unequal diilribution of rights among brethren of the fame prin- ciple, and of the fame texture, I folemnly pro- led and more efpecially againft the unhallowed profanation of my good name and chara&re. Yea, in my own proper capacity I am refolv- ed to defend both ; and, contrary to a cer- tain dogma of philofophers, prove, that I, Wo body, poflefs the fundamental principles of a real body, or matter ! inafmuch as I oc- cupyfpace, to wit, length and breadth , though as for depth I do not contend. All my enemies that is, all the world^ utter daily calumnies on my fame Ought I not then to avenge it ? Says Goody Gaffer, 'John! you will be the ruin of your family caroufing it ev-ery. NOBODY'S COMPLAINT. 79 night : Who was with you laft night ?' With me, mother nobody !' Little mailer lets fall a glafs it breaks in comes the nurfe - < Sirrah ! who did this ?' < Nobody P Mifs has a lover he (lays late next morn- ing a female friend gets a hint of it for the balmy breeze vvki/pers thefe things to the fex She calls on her, and after fome chit-chat, dryly obferves, * why really Melinda, you feem indifpofed to-day I fear you refted ill laft night Oh ! while I think of it, prithee what rude creature kept you up fo unfeafon- ably ?' c Rude ! me up ! (hammering and crimfoning) why why Nobody P when I'd fwear by the ghoft of a (hadow that I ne- ver faw the huffy ) Obadiah Primrofe is a beau , he ftruts a- bout big with himfelf , wears a frizzled crop, bolder cravat, three inch ve(l, fack panta- loons, Suwarrow boots with taffels , carries a fix inch rattan, and vifits the ladies. The other day, in a large circle, whilft of- ficioufly prefling a lady to take fome lemon- ade, which fhe had repeatedly declined, he turned a part of it upon her gown. A friend, who fat near, but did not at the moment fee the tranfaclion, fhortly after obferving her gown foiled, inquired who did it ? Maria, twifting up the tip of her nofe, and glancing at Obadiah, replied with burlefque folemnity, Alas ! Nobody ;" What an infult to my name ! A young woman makes a fa}fe flep j it* SHOULD'S PETITION. leaks out, all the world whifpers, < Whofe is it ; whofe is it ? and the fame world malici- oufly anfwers, * Nobody knows /" Scoun- drels ! when I know nothing at all about it. TO CERTAIN LADIES OF W , and its vicinity , the petition of the ivsrd SHOULD," HUMBLY SHEWETH That your petitioner has, from time imme* moiial, by the united fufFrage of all tht Lex- icographers, DidUonary-makers, Grammar^ ans, and other word- mongers, who have exer- cifed jurifdiftion over tne Englifh language, been denominated, clafFed and arranged a- mong the auxiliary verbs and that all the- rrfliitance which your petitioner has been called upon to render to the principal verbs, to which he has from time to time been attached, has been in cafes, where duty was implied, doubt expreffed, or a queftion afked As, for example ; "Your ladyfhip Jhould fpeak correclly/' "If your lady ill ipjhou/d fpeak correctly." "Should your ladyfliip fpeak corre&ly?" For the verification of thefe flatements, your petitioner refers your ladyfhips to the works of Loivth, Perry, Ash, Sheridan, Johnson^ Lindley Murray^ and others. Yet, not with ft and ing the bufinefs of your petitioner was thus definite and confined, he has of late been frequently placed in fituations awkward and uncomfortabk^ and which he SHOULD' s PETITION. Si was never deilgned to fill. With much humi- lity, your petitioner ventures to add, that your ladyfhips have been greatly implicated in the abufes he has fuftained. Your petition- er, May it pleafe your ladyfhips, is far from Intimating, that you have thus abufed him, with an intent to wrong and injure No; he knows that you have atedbythe inftigation of a certain determined foe to all corre&nefs of diUon, known by the different names of Ton, Fa/lion^ and modern refinement. Your petitioner will proceed to flate the particular cafe, in which he confiders himfelf principally aggrieved. It has become fafhipn- able, when a remark is to be retailed ymw;/ band) and it is needlefs to flate, how often your ladyfiips have occafion for that mode of fpeech it has become tonim in fuch cafes to forego the old, homely, eflablifhed form and to introduce your poor petitioner thus laying on him a grievous and unprecedented burden^ as, ex. gra. inftead of " I heard that Mr. faid &c." I heard Mr. jlmtld fay, c, &c." thus conveying an idea not that Mr. made the remark, but that he ought to have made it. When the objeft is fimply to ftate a declaration actually made by Mrs. > , your petitioner cannot perceive the necetlity of fuch a mode of fpeech as the following, "/ heard Mrs. Jhould declare." Nay, fo irritated is your petitioner with his perfonal injuries, and fo anxious for the pu- rity of that diftion, of which he forms a hum- ble member-i that he does not hefitate to de* 82 TROTH. clare fuch perverfions of language, grofsly ridiculous, monftroufly affedled and abfolu- teJy abfurd. Your petitioner, therefore, humbly prays, that his cafe may be taken into confidtration and that your ladyfhips would be gracioufly pleafed to correct this'procedure and, He, as in duty bound (hail ever pray TRUTH. Truth may juflly be defined a conformity of words with thoughts nnd actions. When, the queition is afked, " Can you tell me the truth," every one readily anfwcrs in the af- firmative. The truth is fo fimple and eafy to be fpo- ken, that the child, the pcor and illiterate, have the fame ability in this refpeft, as the man of mature years, the affluent, and th learned. All acknowledge the general utility of truth, and their indifpenfible obligation to ad- here to its facred injunctions ; therefore it is no wonder it finds ib many friends and advo- cates. I will enumerate a few claffes and profef- fions of men confpicuous for this virtue, and at rhe fame time, I would have others who are not particularly mentioned, confider them- felves not lefs fkilful in this ufeful art* The farmer has live flock and produce to fell The purchafcr comes, and begins his inquiries The farmer begins to tell the ruth. His horfes are found, wind and limb,- TRUTH* 83 His oxen are excellent for bufmefs, gentie> eafy to manage, and never leaped ovtr a fence two feet high. His cows are firft rate for milk, and each fills a pail. His butter was all made in autumn, and his cheefes are ail new milk. The buyer depreciates every thing, and caa afford to give but fmall prices. The market, fays he, was extremely dull laft week, articles fold for almoft nothing, and, the probability is, they will continue to fall. No fooner has the cudomer entered the merchant's {hop, than he begins to hear the truth. The vender makes a fpecious intro- tluclion, mentions his fine aflhrtment, and the good quality and cheapnefs of his goods* His gin is all Holland gin his brandy una- dulterated, all French brandy and very high proof. His ruin is all Santa Croix, excellent flavour, and totally unacquainted with New England. His molafies never drank any water, and his bohea tea never, by any accident, got mingled with his fouchong and hyfon. His broadcloaths are fuperfine; very cheap, and will lad forever. His calicoes, ca-nbrics, chintzes and veils, a c, are beautiful figures, and the neweft fafliions. In civil controverfies, the party aggrieved harlens to the lawyer and tells the encroach- ment of his neighbour. Now, fays the phin- tiff, hear all the circumftances, view the me- rits of the caufe, and give me faithful advice. He efpoufes the caufe with friendly enthu- fiafm, and promifes to fpeak impartially. He 4 TRUTH. begins to tell the truth. The cafe is plain you have been injured, your rights infringed, and the termination of the fuit will certainly be favourable. The trial commences, and the attorney is extremely happy to fay that the me- rits of the caufe which he advocates, perfectly coincide with his private opinion. Then wit- neflcs advance, mount the (land and fwear harmonious truths by wholefale. Tailors and fhoe-makers have, generally^ a wonderful knack at fpeaking the truth. Strolling beggars and bankrupts are famous for the truth. The honeft beggar has lately been cad away at fea, or he was a faithful foldier in the revolutionary war, and was wounded fighting for his country.!! The bankrupt has failed in trade He has always been induftrious, and managed with prudence and difcrction. He has not fpent his money at theatres he has not attended balls and affemblies^-he has not frequented brothel houfts, he has not followed gambling he ha-s not been extravagant: but he has been unfortu- nate! He finds his debts exceed his capital, and clofes bufinefs. He is 'willing; nay, very partic- ular, to furrender to his creditors all his money and effects. And now, I have mentioned a few claffes of mtn u valiant for the truth." You have btcn made acquainted with their merits and you know their wifhes. You know, likewife, that " truth is the firft ingredient in conver- fation" a necf.ffary ivquifite in legal pro- ceedings and commercial intercourse, and the YALE. 8? bed friend of Rulers and people. I have dwelt on the truth and nothing but the truth, and, prefume the evidence adduced in behalf of the above characters is fufficiently explicit, and that you are ripe for a decifion. I now put the final queftkm whether you will give full credence to their declarations. If it be your minds, to believe the farmer^ merchant^ lawyer \ and others^ you will pleafe to fay Aye. Gentlemen of a different opini- on will fay No. TALE. Reeling upoa a bed of down, (From fome fad debtor ruthlefs torn) The lawyer closM his wearied eyes : ^treating fieep, grown coy, his reft to crown, That with the early fun's uprife He might his wonted path purfue Where orphans goods attract his eager view> Whofe fpoils already half his houfe adorn ! And where by potent aid of pliant law He may their little all in his deep vortex draw. Sudden a ray of diftant light Invades the doubly clos'd recefs ; His hov'ring flumbers put to flight, And with increafmg blaze, his fight opprefe ,His curtain opes ! a form whofe look His guilty foul with horror fhook, Faft by his fide in blood-ftain'd robes appears, And in his quivering hand a dazzling mirror rears ! *' Doft thou not know me ? ah, full foon Shall we terrfic converfe hold, Urilefs thou grant'ft my righteous boon And quit thy cruel thirft of gold !" H 86 THE CONTEST. Slowly he rais'd his drooping head, And to the vifion, trembling, thus he faid, " Who art thou ! and what mighty facrifice Requir'ft my pafTport to the fhades of peace ?" " My name is Concience ! oft in vain I flrove to touch your flinty heart ; But when at length accefs I gain, Think not too lightly I depart ? *Tis reftitution ! I demand ! May that dread word ftill thunder in your ear, Till it unclench your yet unfparing-hand, And of your crimes in part my records clear. " Behold ! where in this mirror true. Yon injur'd woman fainting lies ! Her helphfs orphans, robb'd by you, Have fent to Heav'n their plaintive cries ! God heard them ! and commiffion'd n.e Still on your midnight vigils to attend ; Till you his high avenp-ing arm fhould fee, Or, by reftoring, make your Judge your friend ! <e See further in that gloomy jail, Your aged viclim hopelefs pines ! Nor aught his recent plunder can avail, While famine, (icknefs, aid your dark defigns ! The little your rapacious hand Has failed to reach, your greedy eyes allure ; And Death, that little to fecure, Awaits, prepared to ftrike, at your command ! Hafte then ! make reftitution ! fet him free ! Or in a loader voice you yet will hear from me." THE CONTEST. 'Twas in a lone fequefter'd wood, " Ciofe by the Miffiffippi's fide, Where genial zephyrs fann'd the flood, Or Ikirnm'd the furface of the tide : A Mock-Bird, 'midft the feather'd throng, Tun'd his glad notes to mirth and love I THE CONTEST. The banks re-echoed to the fong, And fill'd with melody the grove. When from a myrtle's branches gay, With beauty join'd, with fragrance bleft ; Sweet Philomela rais'd her by, And thus the IhVning gale addrefs'd : *' Now tranquil is the winding fliore, And ftiil the daified meadows feem, Save where the dafhing of the oar, Sounds on the Miiliffippi's ftream. Or where the Mock-Bird, perch'd on high, With rapture fills the fhady dale ; With me let him the conteft try, To charm the much lov'd peaceful vale?'* Then thus began where breezes figh'd, Amongft the willows of the brook ; The Mock-Bird with a confcious pride, And the foft, daring challenge took ; MOCK-BIRD. " See, fee, the rofe expands his bloom, To fcent th' ambient air around ; But foon fliall meet an haplefs doom, And drooping preis the dewy ground. Thus all muft fade and leave this grove, Where milder funs difplay their beams ; Where temperate pleafure loves to rove, And vifitoft the murm'ring dreams." NIGHTINGALE. " Behold, the fun reclines his head, To fink beneath yon weftern hill ; The evening fky is dreak'd with red, And fmoothly glides each limpid rill. / The lily's fnowy beauties fpread, To court awhile the vivid breeze ; Whilft blofibms mingled odours flied, Far fcerjting from a thoufand trees." THE CONTEST: MOCK-BIRD. " But look around where fable night, With raven wing leads on the hours ? Homeward each warbler bends his flight^ To feek repofe in leafy bow'rs. And from the mofs clad foreft, hark I Faint echo's diftant notes rebound ; Roam through the regions of the dark } And foft refpond a feebler found. 7 ' NIGHTINGALE. " Now darts the moon her filver ray, See how it gilds yon ivied grot ; The gentle ftreamlcts lingering ftray, As loth to quit this lonefome fpot. Safely now couch'd eacli warbler fits, No agile pinions ikim the fky ; Save where the hateful fcreech o.w.l fits, And yields a tunelefs feeble cry.'* Thus Philomela pourM her note, Melodious on the night's dull ear ; Till emulation quell'd her throat, Scarce can the mufs withold a tear. Too weak fo long to urge the ftrain, Eternal darknefs (hades her eyes ; O'er-fpent, fhe falls upon the plain, Then faintly ilruggling, breathlefs dies. There oft the Mock-Bird tells the tale, And plaintively bewails her doom ; Whenfofter bteathes the genial gale, To cheer him in the mournful gloom. E'er fince, he tunes his nightly fong, Where groves and fylvan fcenes excel : Where winds the filver ftrearn along ; .Mourning the notes he lov'd fo well. MODESTY. 89 MODESTY. NYMPH of the downcaft eye, Sweet blufning MODESTY, Whofe mien fupplies the rnuiic of the tongue ; Thy charms were ftill delay'd, Thy beauties unpourtray'd, Though Fancy pencil'd while the Mufes fung ! More lovely to my fight Than morn's returning light, That wakes the lowly dew-encurnber'd rofe, Or, mingling into day, With bright and purer ray, Its mellow lultre o'er the landfcape throws. O thou, the more admir'd When feeming moft retir'd Who far from pomp and grandeur lov'ft to dwell ; Thou who art oft'ner feen Upon the village green, Or in the cottage, or the humble cell ! Come, fweet nymph, and bring with thee Thy fifter, dear SIMPLICITY. Come, gentle exile of P^tana's fhore, And draw the veil by Fafhion rent afide ; Forbid each eye promifc"ous to explore Thofe latent beauties Nature meant to hide. Illume the cheek that recently difplay'd At once the lily's and the morning's glow : E'en in thy abfence, health begins to fade ; And, fee ! the crimfon yielding to the fnow. And when thou com'ft more grateful than the fpring, Crown'd with green garlands, after winter's reign. With all thy bleffings this initruclion bring, And let the moral echo round the plain : " Thofe charms fo fair were fir more lovely flill, If obvious only to the mental eye : Thofe beauties, form'd the ravifh'd heart to thrill, , Expos'd to all, will foon that power deny. H 2 90 THE PERPETUAL COMPLAINT. { Thofe fmiles, fo open to the vulgar fight, Were foon unheeded as the mid-day beam : That bofom gives more exquifite delight Conceal'd, and throbbing but in fancy's ' ( Arabia's perfumes, lavifhM on the breeze* Soon grow familiar to the fated fenfe ; And each attempt thafc Beauty makes to pleafe> Devoid of modefty, but gives offence. " The lofty fruit, that toil to reach demands, Acquir'd, a richer recompence beftows j And the rude thorn, that guards from vulgar hands, But gives a higher value to the rofe." THE PERPETUAL COMPLAINT. BEING among the number of thofe with whom mankind are continually dilTatisfied, I be^ leave to fubjoin my complaints to thofe that have occafionally introduced them to the public. When I tell you I am as old as Time herfelf, you will allow, that on the, fcore of longevity I ought to be refpe&ed \ and when I add that I am venerable in my appearance and temperature, as mortals them- feives, you will alfo be dispofed to grant that J am not to be reprobated on the fcore of inconftancy. Yet fo it is, that though I feerningly take pains to accommodate my variable difpofitions to the variable difpofiti- ons of mankind, ihis cirqumftance produces no fympathetic congeniality between us; and my inconitancy is rendered proverbial, while their own propensity to ficklenefs never oc- curs to their recollection. I have no quar- rei with the world on the fubjets of indif- fersnce, negk\ or difregard , for I THE PERPETUAL COMPLAINT. 9* confefs, every body pays me due attention ; I am inquired after every night and every morning, and am fo much the topic of con- verfation, and fo regularly introduced after the cuftornary greetings of ceremonial inter- courfe, that I may be faid to be a kind of ne- cefTary afliftant to converfation : for when, people are barren of ideas, I am always at hand to fupply the vacuity of their minds ; yet I am fcarcely mentioned in any other light than as the fource of complaint and dif- fatisfadtion, and without having fome oppro- brious epithet attached to my name. Some- times I am accufed of being too warm in my behaviour, fometimes too cold. If I frnile unexpectedly, I am fufpefted of harbouring treacherous defigns ; and men fay to one another farcaftically, " We (hall pay for this !" If I continue my placid deportment, and am mild, fweet, and amiable, for any length of time, I am faid to be good hu- moured even to fatiety. Some wifh me to weep when I am difpofed to be merry, and fome to be gay when I am inclined to bt fad. Thick, heavy, dull, nafty, are epithets com- monly applied to me. If I am fliil, I am faid to be vapourifh if loud, boifterous and rude. Aches, pains, rheumatifms, and {hooting-corns, are often attributed to my influence. In fhort, I am fo wretched, fo cenfured, fo abufed, every day, that it would fcem as if I were a ftranger upon earth, and born but yefterday, rather than an inhabitant of Paradife* known to Adam and live, ami BEGIN IN TIME. one who was prefent at the Creation. But I will not detain you any longer, for I fee you are looking at me through the window, and meditating an interview with your very- old acquaintance THE WEATHER. BEGIN IN TIME. .Albert pofTefied, at the death of his father, a wide domain , he planned vail improve- ments ; and intended to meliorate the con- dition of his tenants. He daily contemplat- ed this objecl: ; and refolved to fet about it quickly. He thought of it in the morning and in the evening : but the follies and fafhions of the times engrofled him for the remainder of the day ; ftill he would do it , he was de- termined on it. Thus he continued until he had arrived ar the age of forty, when he fet about it in good earnell : But e'er he could complete his project, he died. He did not begin in time. Clariffa was an enchni;ng girl ; handfome, but not accomplished. She wifhed to be pi- ous and godly ^ but ihe was fo young ; and had fo many admirers and, it would do when (lie grew older. She fell fick ^ Death hovered about her j then me wanted Religi- on 5 it was then (he would begin ; it was too late : (he died in a phrenzied ftate. She did not begin in time. 'lorn Daftjall had a habit of fwearing. He would fain mend it ; he refolved on doing it ; and he would begin foon. He kept on, however^ till the age of fifty, and was then a TOWN DRESS* 93 difgufting object of profanity. He began to mend ; but next year he departed this world* He did not begin in time. Sam Thirfty was fond of ftrong drink. His friends told him if he perfifted it would kill him. Sam laughed, thinking he could leave it off when he pleafed, He grew old and grew worthlefs. Then he ftrove againfl it -, but it was all in vain : He did not begin in time. ^Timothy Giddy chofe to be a lawyer. He would fludy hard, that he would. He fro- licked with the men and coquetted with the girls : Yet, he would begin, he faid, to apply himfelf clofely very foon. He went on in the old way, frolicking, coquetting and refolving, till the time came for him to appear at the bar. He knew nothing of law ; he had every thing to learn : He was laughed at, and fcorned. He did not begin in time. So it is with all things in life. Whatfo- ever you have to perform, therefore, do it prefently, left you die and the work mould be left unfinifhed. Whether it be the im- provement of the heart, of the mind, or of your eltate, begin in time. TOWN DRESS. I am the only fon of a farmer who has lived within twenty miles of your town for fix years, and I have never yet been to fee it ; but father has promifed fitter Nance and I, that as foon as haying and harveiling are over, we (hall go to Marietta ; fo you may con-. elude we are in a great flufteratiou" about itu O4 TOWN DRESS. Farmer Winrow's fon was in your town lall week, and tells fuch ftr^i ge Tories about the clrefs of the young men and women, that Nance and I are afraid to go there till we have heard more about it : he fays as how the young men wear great trowfers as big as meal-bags with pockets at each dele, into which they thruft their hands up to their el- bows ; and he fays too as how they come up clofe under thtir arms well, fays I, then I fuppofc they dont wear any jackets ? jackets, fays ht ! why Tom they are not longer than a raketooth fo fays I, and how is it then about their jacket pockets ? pockets, fays Ned Win- row ! why they have cut off their old jackets above their pockets, fo as to make new jack- ets, and new fafhions of them ; that's a good plan, fays I, fo away I goes, and gets mine cut the fame way. Well , lad Sunday when I went to drefs me for meeting fegs ! the firit I knew was that my jacket and trowfers would not meet by nine inches ! fo I had to give over going to meeting for thnt day, and father will not buy me any others, fo I mult (lay at home and wear the old frock and trowfers, unlefs you think it will anfwer, to have my meeting ones lengthened up with wide waiilbands and forepieces of another colour. Now Ned Winrow tells fitter Nance ftrange things about the way the girls mud drefs and talk if they mean to have folks take notice of them he fays they muft firft have a new bonnet from Mr. what do you STYLE. 95 call him's new ftore ; and then they muft go with their arms naked up to their moulders : they muft cut away the fore part of their gown down to within one inch of the Belt- Ribbon ; and muft then draw over the open part of the neck, &c. a thin piece of gauze or Paris-net juft to keep the flies from being troublefome. Now, fays Nance, Ned, I do not believe that : O yes, fays Ned, itis certainly- true. And then, fays Ned, you muft not caii any of the male creation by their proper name, except a man, or they will turn up their little nofes, cover up their faces, and bluih- And Ned further tells us as how he heard that you had alarmed fome of the la- dies fo> they are almoft afraid to look into your paper by publifhing fomething that had Obs Obs, Obfcutity in it, I think they called it. Now I wi(h you to let me know how it is about piecing up the trowfers as foon as poili- ble alfo how you think it is beft for Nance to drefs when (he goes to town. STYLE. CARE ought to be taken that our newf- papers do not fpoil our Englifh. Every body reads them, and of courfe every body will be either dilgufted with their faults, or adopt them for authorities. If it be not incorrect, is it not affected to fay, Mr. J. arrived paflenger on the {hip Flo- rida ? As a large (hip will contain feveral hundred men, I ihould think one man might $ STYLE. be fuppofed to go in the {hip and cabin too, and not like a barnacle (lick upon the bottom, or like lumber be expofed to the weather on the deck. Let affectation, which always looks a good deal like meannefs, vanity and hypo- crify, let affectation be difcarded, and in fu- ture let paffengers arrive as formerly, fnug and flickered /;/ a (hip. A writer over the fignature of Zanga, is another buckram expreflion. Cuftom jufti- fies, and therefore requires us to fay, a wri- ter under fuch a fignature. The Connecticut papers are remarkable for telling us that a -number of great characters came to town in the flage-coach. A man not unfrequently finds when he travels, that his character goes before him, and fometimes an unfortu- nate traveller leaves his character behind him. Now, this being permitted, it is quite clear that the aforefaid characters in the ftage did not arrive alone without their lawful wner. If a houfe burn down, which you know- is generally occafioned by fire, our Gazettes inform us that the edifice fell a prey to the devouring ekfnent* Is not this high flown nonfenfe ? An Obituary Notice^ tranflated into our mother tongue, means that fomebody died* But as death kills fome one or another every day, an obituary notice gives a fort of epick grandeur to the event. The French are very Homerick in their accounts of the flain in battle. They make every dead man bite the CANTING. duft. InRead of all Greek and Latin words, hard for common readers to under (land, would it not be well to lay afide, in future, our Obituary Notice, and our Necrology, &c. and head the lift of deaths with Bite the dujl? Common events cannot be related too (im- ply and plainly, and too much vigilance can- not be ufed to prevent thofe corruptions and provincialifms which we have reafon to fear will make our language as it is now written and fpoken, unintelligible to our poiierity. CANTING. THOUGH moft men are different, yet fearch man- kind through, And all have a Cant, in whatever they do ** Mam> examine that muilin," the Shopkeeper fays, Who has retail 'd in Corn-hill, fuch things all his days. " 'Tis as fine as a hair* and as thick as a board) And more money, in London coft, Mam* on my word." Thus praifmg tficlr goods, they all lie and rant, But never believe them for 'tis but their cant. Call the Dofior, and lo ! he puts on a grave face, " Hem, Sir, I aflure you, a very bad cafe ; I fhould have been fcnt for before ; but no doubt My fkill and my pills the difeafe can drive out." Of his wonderful cures too, much he will vaunt, Perhaps true, perhaps not, 'tis only his cant. Apply to the Lawyer, behold he will quote What my Lord Coke has ftated, or Littleton wrote I He will prate of replevins, demurrers and coft, " And an action fo managM can never be loft.'* The continuations and proof he will want, And will pocket his fee for that is his can*- I ,98 CANTING. The Soldier will tell you the perils he's feen, The fieges and battles in which" he has been ; Of the wounds he receiv'd and the feats he has done, And no mufic to him's like the roar of a gun. A part of his ftory moft fully we grant ; For the reft a foldier fometimes has his cant. The Critic will fnarl <f that line is too long-, And the fubject of this is too grave for a fong." Then the ftyle " oh 'tis flat 3 ' the metre ' oh worfej" " But we may put any thing now into verfe." To ieek out a blunder or fault he will pant, And cavil for words for 'tis but his cant. The Author exclaims, " 'tis lofing one's time, To employ it in profe, or infajhioning rhyme : If good, or if bad, yet flill 'tis in vain, For the author no money nor praife can obtain ; No judges of merit or tafte are extant, Are not all poets poor ?" and that is his cant. The coquet too will fay, " I pray you be gone I ne'er was before with a man all alone ; ! what will the world fay ; I hate you, fo go ; Nay, don't be affronted I did not mean fo." - About virtue and honour too, much fhe will rant, You all muft allow a coquet has her cant. The Buck he will yawn and cry what a bore, ** I ne'er faw the town half fo Itupid before ; 1 ha'nt had a row for at leaft r\Q\\-four days, And then fo fatiguing are all our dull plays, Then the girls my dear Jack, not a fmile will now grant, 7 Pis fo cu.rfed provoking" and that's a Buck's canU If you fpeak but of London, or any thing in't, The frefh return'd Traveller quick takes the hint. " Excufe me tis not fo I hope you'll allow My right for I've been there, and therefore mvjl know" Of the wonders he has feen too, much will he vaunt, .nd moil tirefome of all is the traveller's cant. THE LIFE OF BUSINESS. The Editor fays, " lines to S." are on file, st On ileep" is in rather too fleepy a ftyle. With personalities we never concern us, And muft therefore refufe the elTay of" Alverr.us ; Of dullnefs like " R. T." we're never in want," And much more he fays for 'tis but his cant. PUNCTUALITY THE LIFE OF BUSINESS. EVERY man of liiftnefs will readily con- fefs the truth of my text ; and yet not one in a hundred, perhaps, is governed by it. You are in great want of a pair of (hoes your fhoemaker meafures you for them he will have them done fuch a day for certain you call and fend and fend and call, and have good luck if as much as a thicknefs of foal leather be not worn out in running for them before you get them while you are fuffering in your health, and endangering your life by tramping about in leaky (hoes. The Taylor meafures you for a fuit of clothes you have put off getting them as long as you could do without, and are now in a great hurry for them he is liberal in promifes, for promifes colt nothing but a violation of truth ! You are furely to havs them on a fet day you fix your heart upon them They are not done, but will be to- morrow and may be this fame uory may be repeated till it is as thread bare as your. old clothes, and your many difappointments devour more than half your pleafure in your new ones. You take a piece to the weaver you or your children are almoft fuffering for it. 100 PUNCTUALITY THE LIFE 0^ " It fhall be done in a few days." A few weeks elapfe fometimes months, and even years, before you get your piece woven and if it be not injured by mice or moths, you have to thank their forbearance for it. The miller promifes you your grift the rext morning Morning comes, and not a grain of it is ground. Several days roll round, your corn is flill in the bag \ and not infrequently remains there till your hungry belly-ache makes you roar loud enough to frighten it into the hopper. You want your grafs cut, your harvefl it), your grain threfhed out You engage a per- fon to aflift you You may depend upon ife he will not difappoint you But if your hay and harveft rot on the field, or the rats de- vour your grain, before your labourer ar- rives, you may confole yourfelf with the re- iltdion that you are not the firft perfon that Las been ferved fo. It is not merely thefe defcriptions of per- fons who forget to remember that " pundu- ality is the life of bufinefs ;" the fame for- getfulnefs infefts all clafTcs of mankind. The employer is often as far from punctu- ality as the employed. Have not you fuffered your taylor, your fhoemaker, your weaver, or other workmen, to call again and again before you paid them their juft dues ? Is not this a kind of rob- bery ?- Befides robbing them of their money for a feafon, you rob them of their time in coming or fending for it and " time is rnc- PUNCTUALITY THE LIFE OF BUSINESS. TO I ney." If " the labourer be worthy of his hire," ought it not to be paid him when his labour is finifhed ? You, Mr. , have owed your dotor a great while. He perhaps faved you from a fpeedy confignment to the " houfe appoint- ed for all living" and now you requite his fervices by refufmg to pay his honed de- mand. Ingratitude is the vileft of Vices for all others there may be feme apology for this, none. You* Mr. , have a long bill due at Mr. J s (lore. Punctuality is in a fpe- cial degree the life of his bufinefs without money he can get no goods and without it, he had better fell none. Yet you detain his money from him, and perhaps lay it out for other objects not half fo juft or honourable, Thefe things ought not fo to be. The Parfon, among other good men, feels frequently, too fenfibly feels, your want of punctuality. In this free country, no one is obliged to fubfcribe to the fupport of any Minifter ; fo much the more ought you to be pundtual in paying the fmall pittance which you have promifed " the man of God." While he is toiling to furnilh food for your immortal fouls, furely you ihould provide him with fuflenance for his mortal body While he is feeking to make your death-bed eafy, you cannot refufe your aid to render his life comfortable. Remember who has faid, " The labourer is worthy of his hire, J>N I 2 202 PUNCTUALITY THE LIFE OF BUSINESS, Perhaps it may not be amifs to remember the Printer in my difcourfe. He is in a very difficult and difagreeable fituation. He trufts- every body, he knows not who ; his money is fcattered every where, he hardly knows where to look for it. His paper, his ink, his preffes and his types, his labour and his liv- ing, all mud punctually be paid for. You, Mr. , and Mr. , and Mr. , Mr. and Mr. , and an hundred others rhat I could name, have taken Me firs. 's pa- per a great while You and your wives, and your children, and your neighbours, have been amufed and informed, and I hope im- proved by it if you mifs one paper you think very hard of the printer or poll for it, for you had rather go without your bed meal than without your paper have you ever complied with the condition of fubfcription ? Have you taken as much pains to furnim the printer with his money as he has to furnifh you with your paper ? Have you contributed your mite to repay him for his ink, his pa- per, his types, his preiTes, his hand-work, and head-work ? If you have not- go pay him off, " and fin no more." Verily, brethren, this want of punctuality is-- " a fore evil under the fun" an evil which is felt by all claiFes and conditions of life* and which all ought to unite to fcout out of Jociety. The fcripture moveth us in fundry places to render unto every one his due, and to " owe no man any thing j" and experience teacheth us that without pun&ualitylhere i ADVERTISEMENT, I Oj: neither profit nor pleafure in bufinefs. But were it otherwife, promifes ought not to be broken " for what (hall it profit a man to gain the whole world and lofe his own foul?" ADVERTISEMENT. DOCTOR LOGGERHEAD, Has the pieafure of informing his friends, and the public, that his celebrated " Omni- potent and Antimortuous Grindftones," have proved to be an undoubted remedy for the whole catalogue of human maladies. The whole fruits of his refearches are united, in a wonderful manner, in thefe invaluable grindflones, and none have witnefled their effects, without af- tonimment the mod profound. Having de- voted a long and laborious life, folely to the inveftigation of thofe arcana in medicine, which have hitherto been hid from the Hip- pocrates' and Galens, both of ancient and mo- dern times, Dr. LOGGERHEAD would deem it but affe&ed rnodefty to deny, that he is a perfect matter of his profeffion. He is fenir- ble that many impoiitions have been prattiied on the public by illiterate and defigning pre- tenders to difcoveries in this fcience ; and, al- though a few of thofe difcoveries have been highly honourable to their authors, and ufeful to the community, yet not a fingle medicine has hitherto been known, whofe power has not been baffled by fome one of the difeafes incident to man. Obferving this grand diffi- culty, and irrefiftibly impelled, by motives of , to attempt its removal, Doctor 1 04 ADVERTISEMENT. LOGGERHEAD conceived, and has proved, the poflibility of a general antidote. Uniting, in* a tingle article, the virtues of all medicines, he has rendered the means of health perfectly ef- ficacious and fimple. So ftrong is the Doctor's conviction of the univerfality of the grind- ftone's applicability, that he hentates not to ri(k his reputation as a man of truth, and even as a physician, in pronouncing his Grind- ftones a certain^ fafe y and fpeedy cure for any difeafe whatever. Directions. The Grindftones muft be ta- ken, inorning and evening, in dofes of one to fix dozens, according to the age, and confli- tution of the patient. To infants, they muffc be given in lefs quantities, and without the cranks. They may be mafticated, or fwal- lowed whole as is moft agreeable, or conveni- ent ; for, in trifling matters, it is belt to in- dulge the fancy of the patient. Should they create a naufea, the dofe mud be repeated ; and in cafe of indigeflion, a faw-mill, while in motion, mud be adminiitercd ; or, if the pa- tient will fubmit to it, about 3- 8ths of a grain of EfTGiz Jac, or the eflence of the common Jacobin's Gizzard Do6tor LOGGERHEAD has often been himfelf difgufted by certificates of cures offered to the public yet fo refpeftable are the fources of the following, that he cannot, in juftice to himfelf, and the public, refufe them publicity. I hereby certify, that being for many years fubject to ten thoufand difoniers, I ufed very ADVERTISEMENT. plentifully of Doctor Loggerhead's omnipotent and antimortuous grindftones, and was in- flantly reftored to perfedt health. TIMOTHY TUFFER, I hereby certify, that I was formerly very much add'ited to the hippo, being very furly and fullen, and frequently falling into mad fits ; in one of which I very fpitefully devoured all the patent Grindftones I could find, and have been hopping up and laughing ever fince, JEMMY JUMPS. I hereby certify, that I unfortunately fell down in a mud puddle, and was unable to get up, until Dodtor Loggerhead very humanely unloaded upon me a cart full of his omnipo- tent Grindftones , fince which time I have never feen a mud puddle, nor have felt any inclination to approach one. MARY PRIM. This may certify that I have ever been ta* ken for a natural fool, but Doctor Loggerhead fays I am a very refpectable man. STULTUS SUMVELFUL Indeed it is very certain that I have been very fick all the days of my life ; but Dodor Loggerhead has made me very well ever fince. PADDY O'BRIEN. 106 SPECTACLES MAGICAL . Auguft 26, 1805. Then perfonally appeared the fubfcribers to the above certificates and made folemn oath that they are all true according to the bed of their knowledge and belief VARNEY VERITAS, J u f. P. N. B. To prevent impofitions, the public are informed that the genuine omnipotent and antimortuous Grindftoncs are round and flat ; and are moreover accompanied with the feal and fignature of the patentee. SPECTACLES- MAGICAL. THE cuftom of wearing fpeclacles, which I have obftrved has lately become fo predo- minant among young men, has fuggefted to me many curious (peculations. As glafTes were formerly worn by aged perfons to aid the imptrfe&ions of their vifual organs, and feldom by any other perfons, or for any other purpofe, I became fomewhat alarmed at feeing fo large a portion of the young men fuddenly accoutred with this badge of opti- cal imperfection : and being yet in my ju- venile days, I was led to investigate the caufe of fo fudden and general a revolutipn in the optical fyftem, under an apprehenfion of my own liability to fo great a malady. That this grievous affliction mould be peculiar to the male fex was what alfo much alarmed me, and led me into many curious and ela- borate inveftigations of the ftrutlure of the different fexes, and particularly of the head. -SPECTACLES MAGICAL. But all my refearches in philofophical as well as anatomical writings were in vain I was dill in the dark dill in jeopardy. 1 have alfo for a long time laboured under grievous apprehensions from another confi- dtration. Bein^ fomewhat inclined to (ludy and deep thinking, I imagined that when- ever my eyes failed fo much as to need the afiiilance of glafles, I (liould be wholly de- prived of the power, pleafure, and utility of thinking. You~may, perhaps 3 think this ve- ry odd, but as the root of the nofe is faid to be the feat of thought, I readily fuppofed that the iron legs which are placed aftride that part of the nofe,. would by their preffure 'preclude the poffibility of thinking. I ac- cordingly made the experiment ; and truly, I found all my cogitative powers immediate- ly benumbed j and I could do nothing but flare through the glafles at obje&s which were prefented to my eyes. All power of reflection was loll. Hence I concluded glair s were an index of ftupidity as well as defec- tive eyes, particularly in young men. But how rejoiced was I, when I difcovered that the cuftom did not originate in any male-natural- optical-imperfection ; but on ac- count of a truly magical power which they are faid to poflefs, the wonderful efFe&s of which are difcovered in the female fex only. In juftice, however, to fome of the fair fex, I am confcious that there are thofe in whom thefe effects are not found. A young ?.?ian of my acquaintance had the misfortune 108 SPECTACLES MAGICAL. to poflefs a pair of large white eyes, which were fo forbidding to the ladies, that he de- fpaired of any fuccefs in gallantry ; but no fooner had he cafed them with a pair of glaffes, than all the ladies in town were pro- claiming his elegant and refpeftable appear- ance. He found that he had undergone, in their eyes, a complete transformation. Eve- ry thing which he did was admired every motion which he made was graceful and ele- gant. He was captivating he was charm- ing. Another young lad, who being by pro- feffion a Cobler, and by th bye not the pureft chara&er in the world, having dif- covered the magical power of fpe&acles, de- termined on trying what effedl they would have in purifying his charafter, and how far they would operate in transforming him into a refpe&able gallant. Accordingly he put on his Sunday drefs, and faddled his nofe with a new pair of dafhing fpe&acles-magi- cal, and went into the next town, where he was wholly unknown , and in lefs than three days, if you will believe me, he was introduced into all the polite female cir- cles of the town. He was carefled, flattered, and admired. His very impudence and ruf- ticity were called originalities and fafhionable accomplilhments. In mort, to fpeak in the ftyle of his admirers, he was all the go all the rage. Another young beau, who had the mis- fortune to be the fubjeft of frequent bur- Icfque among the ladies, on account of the llOSESTY Trl BEST POLICE. 100 crookednefs of his legs and roundnefs of his fhoulders, and feveral other natural defor- mities, befides a natural imbecility of intel- lect having feen the furpriting efFedl of fpeftacles-magical, clapped on a pair, and irrtmediately found himfelf cried up by the ladies as one of the mod elegant and fenfible young men in the town. Another, whofe thorough libertinifm and debaucheries had fixed upon his character, as he fuppofed, an indelible (ligma among the fair fex, by the aid of a pair of fpedtacies*- magical, immediately wiped away all (lain, and found himfelf as unfpotted and chaite as Diana. Thus, I am extremely happy to find that we are not all about to be troubled with fo great an evil as I at firft imagined ; and I am, (till more happy, yea, " ierqtte quaterque beat-* us" to find that our perfons and characters can be transformed and purified with fuch eafe, that fools can become men of fenfe and underftanding, as it were, " in the twink- ling of an eye." Who then is fo great a fool, as that he would not wear fpedlacles to become a favourite of the ladies, even at the rilk of ruining a good pair of eyes ? HONESTY THE BEST POLICY. MOSES TRUEMAN and James Sharper had been fchool-fellows. Trueman had a plain plodding mind : he was orderly and diligenr, but difcovered no marks of nncom- K 1 10 HONESTY THE BEST POLICY. rnon ingenuity. Sharper was quick to learn, had ready wit, and was diftinguifhed for craft and ftratagem. He was efteemed the bright- eft boy in the fchool ; and his doating pa* rents fondly anticipated his future greatnefs. Their education finimed, it happened that thofe two young men went into bufinefs a- bout the fame time, and under nearly equal circumftances. Trueman was diligent, frugal, careful, and contented himfelf with the gain of honeft induftry. His promife he ever held facred, and his word was as good as his bond. There appeared no kind of art or myftery about him j no difpofition to take advantage of the ig- norant or inexperienced ; but he walked on in the plain path of downright honefty, me- ting out an equal meafure to every perfon with whom he had dealings. Thus his cha- racter for prudence and ftrir, integrity foon became e'tablifhed. His credit was fuch, that he was able at any time, on the ftrength of it, to obtain fupplies of goods or cafh : yet he made a frugal ufe of even his own credit, generally declining to extend it as far as it might go 5 for he prudently confnkred that he had better forego fome prefent advantages in bufinefs, than to difappoint creditors, and at the fame time put to hazard his own cha- racter for punctuality. No perfon ever heard Trueman fay a witty thing. Though his judgment was found, he v/as never thought a man of bright parts-, but, what was much better, he was univerfaily efteemed a man of HONESTY THE BEST POLICY. Ill % - folid worth. His induftry, frugality, and careful management, gained him a handfome eftate ; and his ftricl: honefty acquired him * the refpedt, of all his acquaintance. Sharper heartily defpifed Trueman's plod- ding method of life, and was determined to be a daChrng fellow, and to grow rich by cun- ning and artifice. He knew that he was able to lay a hundred plans to deceive and take in fimple people; and he had no doubt but he could make his fortune by it. At firit he had fome fcruples of confcience ; but he flat- tered himfelf, that when he fhould become rich, he fhould make inch a liberal ufe of his riches as would atone for his knavery in get- ting them. He conftantly bailed his brain in fpreading fnares for plain, unfufpefting Eeople ; and he foon found that his craft and is gains exceeded even his expectations. Sometimes he would gain more on n fingle day, than Trueman did in three or four months. At one (Iroke, he fwindled Timo-* thy Goflin out of the whole of a fnug cftate : nnd he did it fo cunningly, that no human law could touch him for it. Sharper's heart fmote him a little, at the thought that he had brought Goflin and his family to ruin ; but meanwhile, it tickled his vanity that he had performed the trick more artfully than almoft any other perfon could have done it. Poor Goflin was not the only man that fell a prey to Sharper's craft he utterly ruined fcveral thrifty families , and there were JI2 HONESTY THE BEST POLICY. fcores, and even hundreds, that he had cheat- ed, more or lefs. After all, Sharper is not worth a groat nay, he is many degrees below cypher. All this may be eafily accounted for. In the iirft place, it was a fixed principle with him, never to pay a debt until he was forced to it ; and therefore, with the cofts of court and the {herifFs fees, he often had to pay almoft double. A few times, alfo, he met with (harpers who " bit the biter," and even outwitted him in his own way $ and not- withftanding his crafty art, he fometimes was detected in his roguery, and had to pay dear for it. His credit loft, and his cha- racter blafted, every man's hand was againft him : every man felt an intereft in hunting film down, as if he was a bead of prey. If he happened to have a good caufe in a court of juftice, he was almoft fure to lofe it 5 by reafon that the jury, knowing him to be a villain in his general character, could not eafily be made to believe that he had a6t- ed honeftly in any particular inftance. Sharp- er has lived a life of induftry and extreme difquietude. His mind has been continually on the rack, either painfully bufied in devif* ing means to enfnare others, or agitated with fearful apprehenfions of detection, or haunted and mangled with the whips and ftings of rernovfe and (hame. Oft has he heard him- felf reproached and curfed oft has he beheld the finger of fcorn pointed at him oft has. he had to hide himfelf from the officers of TALE. TT3 juftice. Sharper is wretched, and nobody- pities him ; nobody is difpofed to afiift him. The fame talents and the fame portion of induftry beflowed honeftly on ufeful buR- nefs, which he has employed in knavery, would have infured him a good eftatCj and rendered him refpedlable in fociety, TALE. There was a man of Adam's race, A man was he, indeed, fir, Who tumbled down upon his face. Which cauf'd his nofe to bleed, fir. His nofe it bled it bled full fore, It bled an hour or two, fir, It bled an hour or two, or more ; Upon my word, 'tis true, fir. Mean-while his friends and neighbours dea*> Pofl-hafte for furgeons fent, fir, They fent for furgeons, far and near, To (top- the bloody vent, fir. The furgeons came with look demure, Each panting hard for breath, fir, Each panting hard they came to cure, This cafe of life or death, fir. Dodlor Grimalkus firft came in, With magic Tractors arm'd, fir, He view'd the patient gave a grin, Which might have death difarm'd, (jiv He ftrok'd his nofe full oft, full well, S:ill dropp'd full many a drop, fir^, He ih, k'd Ms nofe but fad to tell* Ths blood he could not Hop, fir, K z 1 14 YANKEE PHRASES. With %,'me andftlver, next approached., Galvin, the blood to ftill, fir ; JDoclor Grimalkus, he reproach'd, Reproach'd, for want of./?/'//, fir. With much parade parade and ftiow?. He fhock'd the bleeding man, fir But Hill the fluent blood did flow, The fluent blood ftill ran, fir. Next came a hoft of patent quacks Of patent quacks a hoft, fir, Of patent noftrums, on their backs, They proudly made their boaft, fir. Each patentee^ with hopes elate, His fovereign cure* did try, fir, But each, alas ! was" caWdtoo late" " The man mvjlfurely die, fir" Upon his back cold keys were laid Cold keys upon his back, fir ; Until at length, the blood was ftay'd ne blood, at length, didjlack,ftr. YANKEE PHRASES. AS found as a nut o'er the plain, I of late whiilled chuck full of glee : A ftranger to forrow and pain, As happy as happy could be. As plump as a partridge I grew, My heart being lighter than cork : My flumbers were calmer than dew I My body was fatter than pork ! Thus happy I hop'd I fhould pafs, Sleek as greafc down the current of time $ut pleafures are brittle as glafs, Although as a fidtjle they're fine* A TALE OF WONDER. 1 1$ Jemima, the pride of the vale, Like a top nimbly danc'd o'er our plains ; With envy the lafles were pale With wonder ftood gaping the fwains. She fmil'd like a bafket of chips- As tall as a hay-pole her fize - As fweet as molalTes her lips As bright as a button her eyes. Admiring I gaz'd on each charm, My peace that would trouble fo foon, And thought not of danger, nor harm, Any more than the man in the moon,. But now to my forrow I find, Her heart is as hard as a brick t To my paffion forever unkind, Though of love I am full as a tick. I fought her affection to win, In hope of obtaining relief, Till, I, like a hatchet, grew thin, And flie, like a haddock, grew deaf* I late was as fat as a doe, And playful and fpry as a cat : But now I am dull as a hoe, And as lean and weak as a rat. Unlefs the unpitying fates With paffion as ardent fhall cram her, As certain as death or as fates, 1 foon Ihall be dead as a hammer. A TALE OF WONDER. NOW the laugh fhakes the hall, and the ruddy wine flows ; Who, who is fo merry and gay ? kemona i s happy, for little flie knows Qf the monfter fp grim, that lay hufli'd in repoe 5 Expefting his evening prey. xr(T STOOP ! STOOP t While the mufic play'd fweet, and, with tripping fo light, Bruno danc'd through the maze of the hall ; Lemona retir'd, and her maidens, in white, Led her up to Her chamber, and hid her good night- Then went down again to the hall. The monfter of blood now extended his claws, And from under the bed did he creep ; With blood all befmear'd he now ftretch'd out his paws With blood all befmear'd, he now ftretch'd out hie jaws, To feed on the angel afleep. He feiz'd on a vein, and gave fuch a bite, And he gave with his fangs fuch a tug She fhriek'd ! Bruno ran up the ftairs in a fright, The guefts followed after when, brought to the lightj O have mercy! they cried, what a BUG !" " STOOP ! STOOP !" THERE do at times very many advan- tages arife from (looping, which I {hall not now attempt to enumerate. It is a hard mat- ter to get along through this up-and-down life without (looping now and then and in de/ault thereof evil confequences do fome- times arife - 9 witnefs what follows. In the particular incident, which gave rife to my motto, this idea is ill u ft rated. Dr. Franklin was walking heedlefsly along, and Mr. Ma- ther venttd the pathetic ejaculation. " I did not ursderftand him," fays the Do&or, Ct until I felt my head hit againfl. the beam? 9 The analogy between Dr. Franklin's cafe and mirie, has ; from mere vanity at fo u-ear STOOP ! STOOP f 117 a connexion with the inventor of lightning- poles, more than half reconciled me to my misfortune. Going into my room the other night, being a remarkably large man having neglect- ed Mr. Mather's precaution, I bruifed my: nofe moft woundily. My holtefs, who is well ikilled in herbs, and has read Doctor Stearns'sMateria Medica, applied catnip and vinegar. One of the Quhifigamond doctors was called, and he ordered it to be wrapped in green baize and to be very gently exer- cifed ; to avoid fneezing, in confequence of which my hoflefs and the family are to abftain from tobacco, and fnuff, for the fpace of ten days ; and after applying a triangular plaifter, of twelve inches round, he gave me hopes of its fpeedy renovation. c * Tedious the tajk, to paint the numerous ills Which do attend big twfes. This event has put me in the way of ftu- dying into the anatomy of nofes. I have made no great progrefs as yet, but am fully convinced, that far from giving one any more diftint ideas of flavour, they are cum- berfome and offenfive only to the pofTeflbr ; and I have wondered by what means this faft efcaped the obfervation of Dr. Darwin* and other phyfical philofophers. I have been pondering with myfelf whe- ther it would not be an ufeful improvement in the human phyfiognomy to have two nofes, I I 8 STOOP ! STOOP f and have them change places with the ears. Overflowing with this idea, I bartered with the barber down the lane for a block, where- on to make experiments. With the help of a gouge and chifel, I have been enabled to form a tolerably correct idea of the appear- ance of one's face under fuch circumftances ; and am fully convinced, that a nofe on each fide of the head, and tv/o pretty ears in front, would make a very handfome appearance. I could give information of fundry advanta- ges, which would accrue from fuch a difpo- fition of the organs of fmelling and hearing ; as, for inftance, the taking of fnufF would be far lefs obnoxious to me 9 than at prefent it is. I have too much modefty attached to my natural bias, to fugged it myfelf to the ho- nourable legiilature, to take this matter into confideration ; but I think, that in cafe of war, it would give our militia more rational hopes of vi&ory in fome inflances, than they could otherwife reafonably entertain. Two fuch momentous inventions coming to- gether, as Charles Packard's wings and my new fafhioned head, is a very rare thing, and a (Inking evidence of the progreflive ftate of the arts. All that is now left for mankind to praftife their ingenuity upon, is, as I am informed, the perpetual motion. This I intend to difcover fometime in the autumn of the prefent year. The wooden block, on which I have been working, may be feen at my lodgings every MEDICAL CONSULTATION. day, Sundays excepted, until the 31(1 initanr, when I (hall forward it to the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. MEDICAL CONSULTATION. A drunken Jockey having fallen from his horfe at a public review, was taken up fenfe- lefs, and extended upon the long table of the tavern. He foon recovered his breath, and groaned mod piteouily. As his head ftruck the ground firft, it was apprehended, by fome unacquainted with its folidity, that he had fratlured his fkulL The faculty haf- tened, from all quarters, to his affiflance. The learned, fcrupulous phyfician, after re- quelling that the doors and windows might be fhut, approached the patient, and with a {lately air, declined giving his opinion, as. he had, unfortunately left at home, his Prin- gle on Contufions. The cheap Do6lor immediately pronounced the wound a compound fraclure > prescribed half a dofe of crude opium, and called for the trepanning inflruments. The fafe Doc- tor propofed brown paper, dipped in rum, and cobwebs to (launch the blood. The po- pular Phyfician, or Muficai Dotlor, told a jovial ilory, and then relaxing, his features, obferved, that he viewed the groaning wretch as a monument of juftice, that he who fpent his days in tormenting horfes fhouid now, by die agency of the fame animal, be brought to death's door. The Literary <>uack, prelliug through the crowd, begged 120 MEDICAL CONSULTATION. that he might ftatc the cafe to the company ; and with an audible voice thus began The learned do&of Neminativ-ohoc-Captft 9 in his Treatife on Brains, obferves, that the feat of the foul may be known from the affcdions of the man The refidence of a wife man's foul is in his ears ; a glutton's, in his palate ; a gallant's, in his lips , an old maid's, in her tongue ; a dancer's, in his toes ; a drunkard's, in his throat. " By the way, landlord, give us a button of fling." When we learned vvifh to know if a wound endangers life, we rir(t inquire into the affe&ions of the patient, and fee if the wound injures the foul: if that efcape, however deep and ghaftly the wound, we pronounce life in no danger. A horfe-jockey's foul, gentlemen I wifti your healths is in his heel, under the left fpur. When I was purfuing my itudies in the hofpi- tal, in England, I once faw fevenleen horfe- jockies, fome of whom were noblemen, killed by the fall of a fcaffold, in Newmarket, and all wounded in the heel. Twenty othtrs, with their arms, backs, and necks broken, furviv- cd. I faw one noble jockey, with his nomi- nativo caret, which is Latin for a nobleman's head, fplit entirely open. His brains ran down his face,, like the white of a broken egg ; but, as his heel was unhurt, he fur- vived, and his judgment in horfes is faid not to be the leait impaired. Comt: pull off the patient's boot, while I drink his better health. Charmed with the harangue, fome of the fpedlators were about following his directi- (QUARRELLING. ons , when the other doctors interfered. They had heard him with difdainful impa- tience ; and now each laifcd his voice to fupport his particular opinion, backed by his adherents. Bring the brown paper com- pound fra&ure cobwebs. I fay hand the trepanning inftruments give us fome toddy, and pull off his boot, echoed from all quar- ters. The Landlord forbade quarrelling in his houfe. The whole company rufhed out to form a ring in the green for the medical profeflbrs, where they had a confultation of fiftycuffs. The praUtioner in fheep, horfes, and cat- tle, poured a dofe of urine and molafTes down the patient's throat, who foon fo happily re- covered as to purfue his vocation, fwap horfes three times, play twenty rubbers of all-fours, and get dead drunk again before fun-fet. QUARRELLING. QUARRELLING ! But you think it a .mean and vulgar vice, through the prejudice of education. It had never fallen under that foul odium, had mankind generally been pof- fefled of fufficient expanfion of intellect, to' confider this globe as a vaft arena, iriclofed and fanded for the combats of men with men ; where cudgels crafh, flones and brickbats fly fpears Oliver, cannons roar -, while blood flows, and groans of death and yells of con- L 122 'QUARRELLING. queft rend the heavens. Is not this the world we fee, and quarrelling a conftant part of the great whole ? In the golden age, anterior to the reftraints of law, and the tyranny of government, men wandered uncontrolled. With dominion for their object, and war for their trade, each was armed with his cudgel, and it was al- moft as common to knock a man down as to meet him. Once on a time, two of thefe lords of creation, after a hard fought battle, conceived the idea of uniting for the fubju- gation of others. But as implicit confidence was unfafe, each feized the cudgel-hand, that is, the right hand of the other, and fo made a league. Hence the cuftom of {haking, and hence the plighted right hand has in all ages and countries been a token of friendftiip, and the phrafe a term of art for a treaty. Thus quarrelling laid the bafis of fociety in the fo- cial compacl ; a matter of fuch infinite mo- ment that a great nation, during the lad century, found it neceflary to decree, that among thirty millions of human beings there v/as neither parent nor child, hufband nor wife, but all as perfectly unconnected as if they had been rained from the clouds. And agreeable to our hypothecs, it took an im- menfe deal of cudgelling to bring them to- gether again. This I think a more rational account of the origin of fociety, government, laws, and letters, than to fuppofe that men caught all thefe in the chafe of wild beafts, or fiflie'd them out of the fea, or ploughed QUABTsELLINC. 1 23 them out of the ground, as certain grave philofophers have aflerted. Be fo kind as to imagine that while the fociety mentioned, was forming, numerous others were going on in the fame way. And there we (hall have the whole population of oar globe feparated into compact and orga- nized focieties , and nothing remains but to rule them. As this was impoflible while all retained cudgels j the ilrongeft difarmed the reft, referved a tremendous cudgel for h-im- felf and became their governor. This was the (late of things at the liege of Troy. Hence Homer never fuffers an officer to ap- pear on parade without his cudgel, and in- troduces king Ulyfles, whofe eloquence, he tells us, defcended like falling fnow, anfwer- ing a feditious harangue of Thyrfites by a terrible mauling with his cudgel, or fceptre. The illiterate have, I know not what fubli- mated idea of the thing called a fceptre, but men of letters know that it is a cudgel only in Greek. And I would fugged whether for the avoiding of pedantry " The fceptre- bearers of mankind" ought not to be tranf- lated 4< the cudgellers of mankind." It would throw vail light on the fcience of government. Li ancient times, the judiciary depart- ment of government was adminiftered by the cudgel. This is no flight of fancy. I defy all the antiquarians and literati of the age to (how how it was poiFible to imprifon men before the erection of houfes, or fine them '124 QUARRELLING. when there was no money, or hang them before the invention of ropes. And who, that beholds the corps of conftables, with their tremendous tipftaffs, drawn up around the tribunals, but mud recognize in this pre- cious relick of antiquity, a proof of our the- ory. In thofe happy times execution fol- lowed the fentcnce like a clap of thunder. Freafon would naturally be punifhed by knocking out the culprit's brains, high crimes and mifdemeanours by knocking him down ; and contempt of court by breaking his legs. So facred was the cudgel of old, that church difcipline was exercifed by no other weapon. Thus Homer introduces the pried of Apollo to Agamemnon with a crown in one hand, and a cudgel in the other \ the monarch imprudently profaned the latter ; but he and his army foon got fuch broken bones, that he was forced to revoke his im- perious choice. You may be fure the church militant has too much grace to forget the precedent. In fhort, the ecclefiaflical cud- gel has knocked on the head thoufands of kings and emperors. It is true, the wood of which this holy cudgel was formed feems not to grow in this country, and there is a fevere law againft its importation, but what vigilance can wholly prevent fmuggling ? But I cover my wing, and defcending from kings, priefts, and lawyers, pounce down on the rabble, that is, the mob. I mean the people themfelves Pugh ! how imperfecl is language. You know what I mean. I mean QUARRELLING. 1 21 the quarrellers who are not kings nor law- yers, nor priefts j for we call thefe quarrels, battles, &c. A quarreller is the glory of human nature. View him. He is a microcofm. He is the quinteffence of creation, uniting in himfelf every great quality. He poiTefles the fierce- nefs of a tyger, the courage of the cock, the pertinacity of the bulldog. He enters an af- fembly , every eye is fixed on him alone ; his eye flames ; his brow thunders ; every feature threatens. He infults ladies, and contradicts men : in a word, he is up to eve- ry thing. He cannot open his mouth, but liar, fcoundrel, coward, leap out together. And then it is but a word and a blow. And for buffeting, clenching, kicking, biting, goug- ing, nothing can equal him. He minds nei- ther blows nor bruifes. He rifes into diftin&ion furprifingly. In his own circle, and the earth has but its cir- cle, he is hailed as a redoubted champion. Big Ben was as celebrated a perfonage in London as his fovereign ; and Mendoza was at once the pride of one feet, and the envy of another. Bill the buffer, and Dick the darner, are extolled to the fkies , where the hero of Macedon is not once men- tioned. Celebrate, ye hiftorians, your Alexanders, your Caefars, and your Bonapartes ; who fhed blood by the hogfhead ; but commtnd me to the champion of the fift, or cudgel^ L ^ ia6 QUARRELLING;. before them all. Who can behold one of thefe godlike men, with his nofe demolifhed, fpitting out mouthsfull of clotted blood and broken teeth without adoring the dignity of human nature ? It was fuch a fight that made the philofophick Plutarch exclaim, " A brave man battered on all fides with blows, is an objecl: on which Lords may look with envy." And I fubmit to the phyfico-theologifts, whe- ther it was not for the contingencies of the quarrel, that the creator furnifhed man with a fpare eye. States recognize and reward the quarrel- ler's merit ; in his cafe republics ccafe to be ungrateful. Legiflators exhauft their wif- dom in confulting for his intereft; build him impregnable caftles ; appoint and pay his porter, cooks, and valets. Secluded from the gaping flare of vulgar curiofity, he pur- fues in folitude and filence the fublime pro- jects of his mighty mind. And it is no fmall favour if the lord in waiting permits you to glance at his facred majefty through the key- hole. On levee-days, when he meets his court, files of armed men protect his fubli- nuty from infult. The graved judges are his privy counsellors ; the moft eloquent .lawyers eulogize his merits ; the news-wri- ters, volunteering in the caufe of virtue, give wings to his fame. In a word, who but he, and all the world muft know him. By this fingle virtue, many a man, whom cruel fate feemed to have buried in the ob- QUARRELLING. fcurity of his own alley, has arifen, tow- ered, and (bared into public notice. O my country, how far art thou behind in the career ot glory ! In Europe, where fcience has feized the fummit of ParnafTus, every college can boaft of a profeflbr of quarrelling ; while we, with mean parfimo- ny, refufe fuch endowments, and our rifing hopes are neceilitated to pick up a fmatter- ing of the art, on holidays and in taverns. Unlefs fomething can be done by lottery, I fee no means of promoting this fublime art, except making it a branch of domeftic edu- cation. And as we have already anticipated the pernicious effe&s of religious prejudice, by excluding the Bible from our Ichools, it is hoped that our fcience may, in the family, fupplant the catechifm. There are probably not a few heads of families, better qualified to teach it, than the abltrufe docirines of chriftianity. " I will let you know, fir," faid the dear creature, (baking the fill at her hulband's nofe, " I will let you know, fir, that I am your wife/' " And I will teach you madam," exclaimed he, brandiihing a rnafly cudgel, " that I am your hufband." Fortes creantur foriibus et bonis. The children of fuch parents are deftined to high things. I mull remark, however, that there is a rank among virtues as well as among men. Quarrelling is a mafculine virtue, requiring. fuch bone, finew, nerve, toughnefs of in- tegument and foiidity of brain-pan, that young men who have been nurfed in ni^ht- 128 THE WOODMAN'. caps, and have flept in beds of down, efpe- cially if they have enfeebled their native virtues, by the (ludy of clafikal and polite literature, cannot hope to attain to the true fublime of this practice. But I conjure them in the name of Patriotifm, to acquire at lead a moderate proficiency, as their coun- try may demand the exercife of their talents in its high legiflative aflemblies. And there When the fix' d parties, dumb and fallen fit > Unmovd by truth, and eloquence , and wit, To roufe their feelings t finite them on the noje And on their ears pour fyllogiftic blows. THE WOODMAN. YOU afk, who lives in yonder cot, Remote, where Grangers feldom tread ? A woodman there enjoys his lot, Who labours for his daily bread. lr this lone foreft wild and rude, He earns his meal by cutting wood. No wife has he to whom confined, No child to bring: perpetual care j No fervant to perplex his mind, No friend his frugal meal to lharc ; Alone, and in a cheerful mood, He earns his bread by cutting wood* From wealth and power he lives fecure, Unknown beneath his humble roof, Untaught, yet bleft content, though- poor ; While every care he keeps aloof; Thus having naught o'er which to brood, He fpends his day in cutting wood. Soon as he views the rifmcc fun, He eats his cruft of coarfe brown bread, MY FATHER. I 2p Shoulders his hatchet and his gun, And thus, by conftant habit led, In that recefs where oft he's flood, He ftill continues cutting wood. To him indifferent, feafons roll^ He values not the lapfe of time $ He only feeks to mould his foul, And fit it for a happier clime, Where pain and forrow ne'er intrude r Where foon he'll ceafe from cutting w ood. Does not this peafant happier live, Than thofe who '< follow wealth and fame Can thefe beftow what peace can give, Or raife to health the fickly frame ? He's bleft, indeed, who poor and good, Earns his brown loaf by cutting wood. MY FATHER. WHO took me from my mother's arms* And, fmiling at her foft alarms, Show'd me the world and nature's charms ? My Father* Who made me feel and underftand, The wonders of the fea and land, And mark through all the Maker's hand ? My Father. Who climb'd with me the mountain's height* And wateh'd my look of dread delight, While rofe the glorious orb of light ? My Father,, Who, from each flow'r, and verdant ftalk, Gather'd a honied ftore of talk, To fill the long, delightful walk ? My Father, Not on an infect would he tread, , Nor ftrike the flinging nettle dead Who taught at once my heart and head ? My Father. 130 MY FATHER. Who wrote upon that heart the line Pardeia grav'd on Virtue's (hrine, To make the human race divine ? My Father. Who flr'd my hreaft with Homer's fame, And taught the high, heroic theme, That nightly flafh'd upon my dream ? My Father* Who fmil'd at my fupreme defire, To fee ** the curling fmoke" afpire, From Ith ' .a's domeitic fire ? My Father, Upon the raft, amidft the foam, Who, with Ulyfles, faw the roam, His head Hill rais'd to look for home ? My Father, e( What made a barren rock fo dear !" " My boy ! he had a country there," And who, then, dropt a prefcient tear ? My Father, Who, now, in pale and placid light Of mem'ry gleams upon my fight, Burfling the fepulchre of night ? My Father. O teach me (HI! thy Chriftlan plan, Thy practice with thy precept ran Nor yet defert menow a man, My Father. Still let thy fcholar's heart rejoice, W T ith charm of thy angelic voice Still prompt the motive and the choice, My Father. For yet remains a little fpace, Till I fhall meet thee, face to face, And not, as now, in vain embrace, My Father, THE BIRTH OF FRIENDSHIP. THE BIRTH OF FRIENDSHIP. WHEN CUPID firft receiv'd his dart, The boy exulting cried ; " Now mortals, dread its potent (mart, It furely ftiall be tried." Beneath his feet all proftrate lay, A hoft of nymphs and fwains, The vengeful urchin deem'd it play ; And laugh'd to fcorn, their pains. His mother faw his wanton fport, And chid th' ungracious boy, Who taunting, gave her this retort ; " You gave and I deftroy." " Since then,'' (he cried, " that gift's abus'd* By your relentlefs rage ; Another pow'r Ihall be transfused, And thole dire wounds aiTuage." At that blell hour her teeming thought, For gods create at wiil ; To life a fair perfection brought, As e'er grac'd Ida's hill. This bantling, placid and ferene, The mother, FRIENDSHIP nam'd ; And bade her hie with pleafing mien, Where tyrant CUPID reign'd. She, ever faithful to the charge, Her foothing pow'rs difplay'd ; And pour'd balfamic gifts at large, O'er wounds his dart had made* He, weeping that her art indu'd, With pow'r to balk his arms ; Awhile transfix'd, with wonder view'd* HIS RIVAL SISTER'S CHARMS. " Oh then," he cried, " fince 'tis decreed. Your (kill ihall equal mine j DUELLING. Let peace emblazon ev'ry deed, And LOVE our hearts entwine." The lovely maid, who knew not hate, Her yielding heart refign'd ; Till then we trace the happy date, When LOVE and FRIENDSHIP join'd. And (hould the boy ftill pierce a heait, Or caufe one tear to flow ; Lo, FRIENDSHIP (hall her balm impart, And footh each child of woe. DUELLING. I addrefs you on the ancient and honour- able practice of duelling. Had I no higher object than to amufe you with defcription, or to kindle the flafli of feeling, I would call the duel the creft of human glory, the cheap defence of honour^ the Corinthian pillar of polifhed fociety. But fuch pompous en- comiums would be as offenfive to correct tafte, as the tremendous declamations of the enemies of duelling^ who, by daubing it over with horrid colours of malice and mur- der, have expofed it in fuch a fhocking ap- pearance, that one would think it fitter for the infernal fpirits, than for the polite clafs of mankind. Avoiding equally the partiality which drives praife ro extravagance, and the morofenefs which delights in aggravating the atrocioufneis of what it would calumniate, let us calmly inquire into the good and evil effects of duelling and carry candour along with us. Let it be admitted that the duel partakes DUELLING, Of the imperfeUon of human things, pro- ducing, when it falls into improper hands, partial evil ; though its natural tendency be towards general good. After this large con- ceflion is mad^e, dill it can be aflerted that the duel has been practifed, from time immemo- rial, in all civilized dates ; that it has never degenerated from its original principles and tendency , that it has been adored by thofe who have experienced its beneficial confe- quences; and reprobated by fuch only as have had no practical acquaintance with it ; that when properly managed it has never failed to remove controverfy, and its caufe out of fociety \ and in no fingle inflance has the 1-ofer, who is always apt to complain, carried an appeal from a definitive femence to any- human tribunal. Can the pulpit or the bar, -fay fo much for any one of their inftitutions? The enemies of duelling fight with, a fha- dow. What a horrid crime they cry for one chriftian to fhed the blood of another in a duel ! who ever doubted it ? but whoever heard of fuch a thing ? Thefe gentlemen, when they prove that certain claffes of man- kind ought not to fight duels, fophillically conclude that the duel is imiverfaily unlaw- ful. No, the advocates for duelling, une- quivocally declare that the duel would be debafed by rendering it univerfal 5 they main- tain that not one in ten thoufand of the hu- man race, is entitled to the honour of leaving the world in this manner*. The ladies are M 134 DUELLING. excluded in a mafs ; becaufe it appears to have been the intention of the Creator, that they (hould cherifh, not deftroy human Jife. Their virtues are of a very different nature from thofe difplayed on the duelling- ground ; befides as ladies never give the //>, the caufe of the duel does not exift among them. Among men, that large clafs .deno- minated chriftians,- are prohibited by this Jaw, and retrained by their temper from ft ed ding blood in f ingle combat; humility is their honour, and forgivenefs their piftol. Lawyers fettle their difputes by the Jlatute book ; the merchant appeals to the ledger ; und the labouring clafs of mankind are fo Tittle accuftomed to think, that they are in- capable of forming that extremely abftrufe p.nd refined idea of honour, which makes it a man's duty to flioot his friend ; and hence they univerfalJy confound the duel with mur- der. There remains then one fmall clafs only who have the lead pretenfions to the duel : I mean fbe gentlemen, or men cf honour, fo called, becaufe honour ferves them for bible, God, and confcience ; they live, fwear and die, by honour. In a word they are fubject to the law of honour ! Were it the law of God, the law of the land, or the. law of na- tions, modefty would feal my lips in the prefence of this learned aflembly But as there may be a man of honour prefent, I (hall anfwer the query in the exquifite words of Paley. DUELLING. 135 " The law of honour/' fays that great philofopher, " omits all fuch duties as be- long to the fupreme Being, as well as thofe which we owe to our fuperiors, for which reafon, profanenefs, neglecl of public wor- fhip, or private devotion, cruelty towards iervants, injurious treatment of tenants or dependents, want of charity to the poor, injuries done to tradefmen by infolvency or delay of payment, with numberlefs other initances of the fame kind, are accounted no breaches of honour, becaufe a man is not the lefs an agreeable companion for thefe vices, nor the worfe to deal with in thofe conc'erns which are ufually tranfadled be- tween one gentleman and another." He adds : " The law of honour being conflituted by men occupied in the purfuits of pleafure, and for the mutual conveniency of fuch, will be found, as might be expected, from the character and defign of the law-makers, to be, in mod inftances, favourable to the li- centious indulgence of the natural pafiions." And concludes with thefe words, which fhould be engraven on the hearts of gentle-* men. " Thus it allows of fornication, adul- tery, drunkennefs, prodigality, duelling, and of revenge in the extreme, and lays no itrefs upon the virtues oppofite to thefe.'" 7 The greatell advocate for duelling never extended the privilege beyond thefe honour- able men. It is their right as gentlemen > their elective franchife, their jury trial, their coat 136 BtJELLING. of arms : in (hort, they could do no more without it, than a philofopher without coo kle-{hells and butterflies ; aboliih duets, and they ceafe to be accountable creatures : how could they be governed or fettle their con- troverfies without it ? How often, for in- ftance, does it become neceflary to afcertain which of two gentlemen is a liar, or which of them is better beloved by their common .female friend ? Thefe and a thoufand other equally difficult and important fubjecls ad- mit of no other mode of decifion. I hope a great and magnanimous nation will never rob gentlemen of a privilege without which the aflbciation of honour would crumble in- to atoms. And when it is confidered that the principle of accommodation is interwoven with the whole texture of our conftitution and laws, that it has been carried fo far as to* allow a large clafs of the community to fpeak the truth without fwearing, I hope it will not be refufed to men of honour to fet- tle theif difputes in their own way. More might be faid if one dared. Our conltitution, after all the fine things that have been faid of its merits, which indeed are great is grofsly wrong in the articles which forbid nobility and titles of honour* It fhould be amended fo as to admit the con-? fecration of nobility of merit, without re- mainder however. Into this legion of ho- nour fhoukl be admitted all fuch as could prove themfelves fubjecls of the law of ho* nour, in all its pofitive and negative claufes^ DUELLING. 137 \vhich proof would be an eafy matter, as their conduft is notorious. The title fhould continue for life, unlefs forfeited by Tomb difhonourable crime, fuch as repentance. The infignia of the order mould be a dagger, worn at the belt 5 and to diflinguilh them from the induftrious clafs of citizens, a cap ihould be added, furmounted with a large pair of piftob. The advantages of fuch an order would be incalculable ; for, firft, common citizens could then avoid their company and fe- condly, when foreign men of honour fhould vifit our cities, they could at once find a gentleman to conduct them to places of gen- teel refort, and difplay our virtues and man- ners to them in the mod advantageous light j while our illuftrious guefts would be fpared thofe awkward embarraffments into which they are fo apt to fall, upon their firft mixing with our (imple and unpoliftied citizens ; 'du- els among fuch fhould be transferred from the ciafs of crimes to that of virtues. This matter is perfectly practicable. For if it be a correct principle that the materials cf legijlation fhould be fought for in the tacit maxims and habits of fociety, no time can be more fuitable for fuch a law, than the prefent, as public fentiment has anticipated the law. Death by duel is not at all confl- dered as murder. Should one drunken porter in a rage knock out the brains of another, with a bii- M ^ DUELLING. let of wood, or paving-done ; or a negro in the kitchen run a fellow-fervant through the body with a fpit, the city would be thrown into univerfal uproar, the union would ring with proclamations and rewards for his ap- prehenfion : nought but his blood could ap- peafe the incenfed vengeance of the commu- nity - y becaufe fuch perions are confidered as fubjecls of moral government. But a man of honour fteps out in the morning with his fecond and furgeon, blows out his friend's brains, or whips him genteelly through the heart with a fmall-fword ; returns home, dines with his friends, and appears at the theatre in the evening perfectly difembar- rafled \ were it not for the licentioufnefs of the prefsi nobody would hear a whifper of the matter. No perfon confiders it as mur- der. Homicide it cannot be in any fenfe of the word , it is only the extinction of a gen- tleman. The objections I have heard againft duel- are, in my opinion, and I hope you will think fo too, unworthy of a ferious anfwer. To the pathetic defcriptions of 'weeping mo- thers and fobbing ftflers^ and ividoivf diflblved in tears, I anfwer in the words of the poet that Heaven is pleafed to make diftrefs become them, And clotheth them moft amiable in tears. You point me to the orphans of the de- ceafad I point you to the children of the DUELLING. 139 furvivor, and aflc, are they in a preferable condition ? You exclaim it was a violation of the laws of the land I anfwer, that is the law's fault ; repeal it, and the offence ceafes. But the man deferted his pod No, he fell at it : he left a blank however in fo- ciety ! Grant at lead that fociety has been faved the trouble of making the erafure. But of ail other things, lam furprifed that it (hould be made an objection to duelling, thaj it excludes from the kingdom of Hea- ven. The objection would be infuperable if any man of honour ever prop ofed, or wifhed to remove to that country ; but its laws, maxims, habits and enjoyments, are fo entirely at war with all the fouls of men of honour^ that if they were caft on its fhore by (hipwreck, they would leave it the firft fair wind. I have read fomewhere that the devil left it as foon as he got a fpark of honour in him, and I prefume men of honour would fol- low the example. The only difhonourable circumftance attending the death by duel 3 for which I owe the mortification of an apo- logy, is, that when men have not had the happinefs of being killed dead on the fpot, they have been known in a few rare inftances to pray ! and, what is (till more rare, cler- gymen have been fent for. But when it is confidered how much mental energy is im- paired by a large effufion of blood, a candid mind will attribute fuch feeming defection to debility of reafon, or the recurrence of 140 DAUGHTER TO HER MOTHER. childim habits. Befides, thefe occurrences are extremely rare. In a word, if duelling were confined to its proper objecls, men of honour, there is no reafon why the laws fhould prohibit it : no caufe why we (hould be difturbed with ab- furd lamentations about the irreparable in- which it does to fociety. nd if once in a century a moral agent {hould, without pafling through the lower grades of promotion, afpire at once to the honour of fghting a duel, nun of honour Ihew their liberality by admitting him into their corps without further ceremony. And furely it betrays little dignity on the part of thofe whom he forfook, to weep inceflantly over the lofs of a man, who would rather be. damned than keep their company. THE DYING DAUGHTER TO HER MOTHER* MY Mother ! when thefe uufteady lines Thy long averted eyes fhall Tee, This hand that writes, this heart that pines, Will cold, quite cold, and tranquil be. That guilty child, fo long difown'd, Can then, bleft thought ! no more offend ; And fhould'ft thou deem my crimes aton'd, O deign my Orphan to befriend : That Orphan, who with trembling hand, To thee will give my dying prayer Can' ft thou my dying prayer with ft and, And from rry Child withhold thy care ? O raife the veil which hides her cheek, ftart her mother's face to fee, DAUGHTER To HER MOTHER. 14 j But let her look thy love befpeak For once that face was dear to thee* Gaze on and thou'lt perchance forget The long, the mournful lapfe of years, Thy couch with tears of anguifh wet, And e'en the guilt which caus'd thofe tears> And in my pure and artlefs child Thou'lt think her mother meets thy view ; Such as fhe was when life firft imil'd, And guilt by name alone fhe knew. Ah ! then I fee thee o'er her charms A look of fond affection caft ; I fee thee clafp hr in thine arms, And in the prefent lofe the paft. But foon the dear illufion flies ; The fad reality returns ; My crimes again in memYy rife, And ah ! in vain my orphan mourns ; Till fuddenly fome keen remorfe, Some deep regret her claims ihall aid* Nor wrath that held too long its courfe,. For words of peace too long delay'd. For pardon, moft, alas ! denied When pardon, might have IhatchM from (hame* And kindnefs, had'ft thou kindnefs tried, And checked my guilt, and fav'd my fame. And ihen thou'lt wifh as I do now, Thy hand my humble bed had fmoothMj WipM the chill moifture off my brow, And all the wants of ficknefs footh'd. For, oh ! the means to footh my pain, My poverty has ftill denied ; And thou wilt wifh, and figh in vain, Thy riches had thofe means fupplied. Thou'lt with, with keen repentance wrung, I'd clos'd my eyes upon thy breaft 5 142 DAUGHTER TO HER MOTHER, Expiring while the fault'ring tongue Pardon in kindeft tones exprefs'd. O founds which I muft never hear ! Through years of woe my fond defire ; O mother, fpite of all, moft dtar ! Muft I unblefs'd by thee expire ? Thy love alone I call to mind, And all thy paft difclain forget Each keen reproach, each frown unkind, That crufhM my hopes when laft we metj But when I faw that angry brow, Both health and youth were ftill my own ; O mother ! could'ft thou fee me now, Thou would'ft not have the heart to frown, But fee ! my Orphan's cheek difplays Both youth and health's carnation's die, Such as on mine in happier days, So fondly charm/ d thy partial eye. Grief o'er her bloom a veil now draws, Grief her lov'd parent's pangs to fee ; And when thou think'it upon the caufe, That palenefs will have charms for thee * And thou wilt fondly prefs that cheek, Bid happinefs its bloom reftore ; And thus in tend'reft accents fpeak, " Sweet Orphan, thou fhalt mourn no mere 4 But wilt thou thus indulgent be ? O ! am I not by hope beguil'd ? The long, long anger (hewn to me, Say, will it not purlue my child ? And muft fhe fufl'er for my crime ? Ah, no ! forbid it, gracious Heav'n J And granf, O grant, in thy good time, That fhe be Icv'd, and I forgiv'n 1 YOUTHFUL LUSTS. 143 LEE YOUTHFUL LUSTS. TO a perfon of reflexion and fenfibility, there cannot be a fubjeft of more painful thought, than that which the morals of our youth prefent. In many of them, we ob- ferve the brightefl colours of the human cha- racter almoft totally eclipfed by the fouled immoralities. AVe fee them triumphing in vice as a proof of diftmguifhed fpirit and re- finement, and permitting their paflions to (hoot wild in all the dreadful luxuriance of folly and guilt. Amidft this wide-extended ravage of talents and virtue, it becomes not the maa of benevolence to fit idle. Silence would be treafon again ft fociety. Let us unite then, in the arduous, yet delightful tafk, of g.uiding the ileps of inexperienced youth. Let us point their paflions to hea- ven, and teach them to burn with a holy love. Let us teach them, that the happinefs of this earth, confifts not in brutal enjoy- ments, and in the debafement of their fa- culties; but that to be truly happy, it is ne- ceiTary that their affections be pure, their objects innocent, their minds clean, ferene and Iteady ; and that the feebleft pulfe of confcious virtue, diftributes more genuine blifs through the fyftem, than all the fpafms and convulfions of libertine purfuits. It has been remarked of virtue and vice, that in order to render the latter difguftiully repuifive, and the former irrefiftibly attrac- tive, nothing more would be neceflkry than : LUSTS. to perfonify them, to make them the objels of human fight to difplay them naked to the eye, inftead of dcfcribing them to the mind of man. I know not what effeft fuch an exhibition might have on the frigid hearts and inveterate habits of advanced age but on a youthful mind I am perfuaded the im- prtffion would be deep and ftrong. In vain would vice beckon them to her embrace, while her frenzied face, her gorgon locks, her diftempered gefture, would drive back the current of blood upon their hearts, and chill it all with horror. Virtue, on the other hand, with placid mien and fweetefl fmile, would wake into life each generous affedlion touch their fouls with rapture $ and Oretching forth her arm of fnow, would only have to bid them come, to be obeyed. Thus would the pencil delineate them. Ours is a more difficult talk. We fpeak not to the eye, through which the vivid communica- tion is fo direct, fo rapid, fo refiitlefs; we addrefs a flower organ, and mutt folicit pa- tience. The words of our motto prefent an immenfe fubjecl:. Thty might lead us to defcant on the lull of pride, the great as well as little paffions of mifguided youth. Let us limit our remarks within a narrow fphere, and fe- let from the duller of youthful lufts, one which is more fafhionable and perhaps more detrimental to them, in every point of view, than any other with which the prefent age is fcourged : 1 mean the illicit indulgence of YOUTHFUL LUST?. 145 that paflkm which was given to us for the preservation of the human fpecies. Confi- dered merely with reference to this life, I know not a more deadly antidote to blifs than this lawlefs tyrant over man. How of- ten does it dig the grave for genius and cha-* rafter ' How are all the energies of the mind unilrung by its excefs ; all the affections of the heart deadened or empoifoned ; every virtuous p*-~f>~^y puf to flight, and all the charms of chaile fociety loft and forgotten, jyraik tliat youth to-day ! See his cheeks crimfoned with a dream of health ; his eyes beaming intelligence ; his fniiling lip pour- traying the peace which prefides over his breaft ; and his ftep, bow firm, elailic and. fprightly. Attend to his converfation. Hear the depth of remark ; the nice difcriminati- on ; the flaih of fancy ; the affeding fenti- ment of virtue ; and the tone of eloquence. Every objecl: lends a fpring to his feelings or his reflections. He looks abroad upon the fcenery of nature,, and his heart beats with the fweetefl agitation. He furvc-ys the courfe of the planets il Wheeling) unfiaken through the void immenfe" ^nd his foul kindles with religious fervour. He traces on the page of hiftorj- the revolutions of the earth, and ex- periences every change of emotion an -i fen- timent : he applies the inci'lents of other nitions to his own, and by the fate of one foretells that of the other. Globing in the purfuit of knowledge, he watches the ope- N FLEE YOUTHFUL LUSTS* rations of his own mind's feelings ; he fcruti- nizes thofe of others he obferves the hu- man character in all its grave as well as eccentrick movements. In fhort, he is alive to all around him ; and prefents to an ad- miring world, the interefting fpedtacle of a youth, combining the .mod fublime facul- ties, the moft vigilant obfervations, and th warmed virtues. Mark the fame youth a few months hen/v, nf*o. kio ofnrre.tion from the bed of fin. Gracious heaven 1 can this be the fame ? Where is the vigorous gefture, the eye of fire, the firm and manly voice, and the rofeate tloom of health ? See how feeble his emaciated form totters along ! Fled are the rofes from his cheek ; dim the luftre of his eye j and his voice, once all melody, is now nothing more than tremu- lous clifcord. Or grant that his health may yet remain, his foul the breath of heaven, is fullied. No more are we enlightened by the profound remark ; no more >are we afto- niftied at the brilliant flight of imagination , no more are we attracted by the amiable fentiment of virtue. His mind once fo ac- tive, fo extenfive, fo towering, now grovels and (lumbers in the dufl ! All us gay and rich creation of ideas has vaniftied like a vi- fion of enchantment, and all its glory is ex- tinguifhed ! His heart too, that once beat refponfive to every call of virtue, that melted over the tale of pity, glowed indignant at the pi&ure of cruelty, ^nd rofe into ccft-acy at actions of generofity and magnanimity YOUTHFUL LUSTS. 147 whither have all its delicate fenfibilities fled ? Scattered and hurled to ruin, before the black ftorm of vice. Melancholy reverfe ! See with what grim difcontent he fcowls on that creation, the view of which once gave him pleafure ! -The ftars, that lately beamed light to him, now become his accufers, and prate of his midnight excefTes ! and, what of all others is the mod heart-afFeling change, that hand which but a few months ago was ftretched forth in friendfhip and refpecit to greet him, now points at him <c the flow, unmoving finger of tcorn !" Whither fhall he look for happinefs ? For bapfdnsfs\ do I fay ? Whither (hall he fly for refuge? The frightful phantoms of his ruined hopes flart in gloomy array before his imagination, and haunt him to madnefs ! Defpair, diftra&ion in every feature, he is reduced to the bitter alternative of pondering in folitude on the wreck of his name, or of aiTuaging for a mo* ment the burning ftings of confcience by a repetition of his crime. Miferable remedy i - as if every new tranfgrefTion did not lend an additional thong to the envenomed fcourge of reflection. Is this fancy > or is it facl ? Let me appeal to the man who has made a progrefs in this crime, whether blifs be not a flranger to his breaft ? nay, whether it be not the princi- pal employment of his life to fly from the tormenting alarms of thought ? Whether the clouds of ignominy and contempt which fur- round him, do not afiume a darknefs infi- 148 YOUTHFUL LUSTS. iiitely more difmal, when he remembers the fplendour with which the fun of his youth arofe ? Whether he does not figh with regret for the chafte fociety which he has forfeited ? and whether, in the paroxyfms of his an- guifh, he does not even pray for annihila- tion ? Well may he pray for it : for if the dif- fkafure of this world be fo intolerable, what will the difpleafure of Heaven be when his foul, diveiled of its earthly tenement, and with it of all the artifices with which he was wont to drown the clamours of confcience, ihall have no other employment than to fur- vey its own contamination to behold at a diitance the ecftatic world of faints and an- gels, and to writhe under the vengeance of an offended God ? With what colour of plaufibility can the libertine hope for future happinefs ? If his vices render him an unfit companion of the more refpet*ble part of she human race, can he be a fit companion for the immaculate purity of fouls in para- dife ? Or, fuppofe he were admitted to that bleffed fociety, what happinefs could he tafle ? Let him appeal to his experience on earth. What is the fcene of his pleafure ! the company of the virtuous ? No, from inch his foal Ihrinks back, like the bird of Jiight from the meridian effulgence of the Um : and, he feeks his poor pleafurcs in a circle whofe every habit and fentimtnt, whofe every look, word and deed, is pollu- tion and guilt. Could he hope for peace YOUTHFUL LUSTS. 149 then, even if hp were admitted into the bo- fom of Heaven ? No ! to him every cherubic fmile would be a dagger every hymn a draught of the deadlieft poifon. If then, the libertine knows no real joys on earth, and can know none hereafter if on the contrary, his life be a perpetual flight: from an accufing confcience ; if his practices tend, as they certainly do, to the degradati- on of his intellects, to the deftruclion of his character and tranquillity here, and to his perdition in that life which (hall never end, I would demand of him, what object his crimes give him fuffieient to balance all this havock ? Is the infidious and mercenary fmile of a proftitute an equivalent for temporal and eternal ruin ? What pity is it, that every man's lips will anfwer this queftion in the negative, while the lives of fo many give it an affirmative anfwer. What pity is it, that while the road to peace and character here, and to bill's in the realms of never-fading- light, is fo fimple, fo obvious, fo direct, youth for ever deviate into the wildernefs of vice. The time will come, when this choice Chall be repented of! God grant that it be not too late, when death (hall have diflblved the charm which had fettered their fenfes, and when repentance (hall have no merit.- This view of the fubject is too painful. Let us rather indulge the hope of reformation. - The arguments in its favour are fo lirong a that in order to be effectual, they need only N * NEW-ENGLAND COUNTRY DANCE. to be conddertd. On the one hand temper- ance, health, wifdom, honour, refpetiabili- ty, and peace ; on the other, intemperance, difeafe, infamy, and mifery. Paufe, and weigh this flatement : Paufe, before duli- pation (hall have fcattered abroad the bloom of youthful beauty, and configned your names to indelible difgraCe : Paufe, before the an- ger of Heaven (hall overtake you when your tears of fupplication and fcreams of terror fhall be mocked when you (hall tx- claim, amid the horrors of eternal ruin, " O ! that I had obeyed the injunction of St. Paul ! O ! that I had fled youthful lufts !", NEW-ENGLAND COUNTRY DANCE. HOW funny 'tis, when pretty lads and lafles Meet all together juft to have a caper, And the black fiddler plays you fuch a tune as Sets you a frifking* High bucks and ladies Handing in a row all, Make finer fhew than troops of continentals, Now fee them foot it, rigadoon and chafle, Brimful of rapture. Spruce our gallants arc, efTenc'd with pomatum : Heads powder'd white as Killington Peak* fnow- ftorm ! Ladies, how brilliant ! fafcinating creatures ! All filk and Thus poets tell us how one Milter Orpheus Led a rude foreft to a country dance, and Play'd the bnlk Ume of Yankee Doodle on a New-Holland fiddle. " Killington Peak" tfo fummit of t& NEW-ENGLAND COUNTRY DANCE. II But now behold a fad reverfe of fortQne ! Lite's brighteil fcenes are chequered with difafler, Clumfy Charles Clumpfoot treads on Tabby's gown, and Tears all the tail off \ Stop, flop the fiddler, all away this racket Hartfhorn and water fee the lady's fainting, Paler than primrofe, fluttering about like Pigeons affrighted! Not fuch the turmoil when the flurdy farmer Sees turbid whirlwinds beat his oats and rye down, And the rude haii-itones, big as piftol-bullets, Dafh in his windows f Though 'twas unhappy, never feem to mind it, Bid Punch and Sherry circulate the brifker, Or vi a bumper, flowing with Madeira, Drown the misfortune,* Willy Wagnimble, dancing with Flirtilla, Almoft as light as air-balloon inflated, Rigadoons round her, till the lady's heart is Forc'd to furrender, Thus have I feen a humble bee or hum-bird, Ho v* ring about a violet or fun-flower, Quaff from its blolfoms many rich potations, Sweeter than neclar* Benny Bamboozle cuts the drolleft capers, Juft like a camel or a hippopot'mos ; Joliy Jack Jumble makes as big a rout as Forty Dutch horfes 1 See Angelina lead the mazy dance down, Never did fairy trip it fo fantaftic ; How my heart flutters while my tongue pronounces Sweet little feraph. Such are the joys whieh flow from country dancing, Pure- as the primal happinefs of Eden ; mirth, and mufic kilidie in accordance* Raptures ADVERTISEMENTS. ADVERTISEMENTS. MADAM SPITFIRE, AT the fign of the Furies, in Hackle- ftreet, next door to the Cat's Paw Tavern, offers her fervices to the public to teach the noble art of Scolding and Quarrelling^ in good or bad humour, in love or fpite ; by the week, day, hour, minute, or fecond ; early or late ; before or after meal ; without re- ard to any perion, in Dutch or Englifti. he has difcovered a new way for women to pull the hair and cap of their adverfary. Scolding, &c. taught in the gentcele<l man- ner, to country women as well as town la- dies. Judges and magistrates fcolded it* the neateft (lyle. She has a very peculiar moae of fcolding, adapted to every age and circum- flance in life. Married women taught to fcold their hufbands blind, deaf, and dumb, in fix weeks. As a proof of her abilities in this polite acquirement, fhe fcolded eight huftands to death in three years time, and the ninth is far gone. She teaches how to make grimaces or furious faces ; how to look fhsrp and Mary Magdalen-like : fleepy huf- baruls may have their wives taught to fcold them awake. She fcolded the teeth out of her head the firft year (he followed this no- ble bufinefs, which renders her incapable of teaching the art of Biting / but, on the other hand (he is not afflicted with the tooth-ache, which is a great advantage. She is well pro- vided with needles and pins, to teach how ADVERTISEMENTS. 153 to fcratch faces, arms, hands, eyes, &c. Water changed into vinegar by fcolding. Scolding done in the neweft and molt ap- proved ityle, in black, blue, red, or any other colour, on the ihortcil nodce, HECTOR DRAWCANSIR, PROFESSED DUELLIST, SOLICITOUS to convince an unbeliev- ing public of the full extent of his very fu- perior ability, in the honourable, profitable, and Chrtflian-like fcience of Duelling, begs leave to inform them, that he means to give a fpecimen of his excellence in the Art of HONOURABLE MURDER, on Monday, the pth inilant. As no doubt curiofity, or perhaps a more amiable motive, may induce a number of thci Fair Sex to honour his exhibition by their prefence, he begs leave to allure them, they run no hazard of the laceration of their feel- ings, as with the moit profound refpedV he affures them the deftru&ion attending on this DREADFUL AFFRAY, will be confined to boots, coats, and veils. He regrets that the prefent CROPPING ftyle, precludes his add- ing the demolition of a fide curl a la Yorke. N. B. If any gentleman curious to be in- itiated into the myfteries of the fcience fhould become dsfirous of acquiring a knowledge of polite modern practice, he may be accom- modated with a fejb wound, without en- dangering in the fmalleit degree the fafety of his perfon. 1 54 ADVERTISEMENTS. Shortly will be put to prefs the DUELLIST'S NEW GUIDE ; BEING a corrett ftatement of the various modes at prefent in pradHce, with confider- able improvements by the Author, to which will be added, the mod concife and accurate mode of giving a public ftatement of the va- lour ofthe combatants. The whole addrefled to the patronage of Duellifts and their Seconds. SOL. SHAVER % CO, EXPECT fhonly to receive from the mint of Fafhion, Gentlemen's Shawls and Shoulder- Straps. Since it has been wifely determined by the regulators of fafhion, that gentlemen's pan- taloons (hall come up as near the neck as pofTible, it mud be very handy to have ihoul- der-ftraps inftead of gallowfes< befides gal- lows is an ugly name. And whereas the aforefaid regulation of pantaloons renders the wearing of wailtcoats almoft unnecefTa- ry, the faid ihawls for gen-tlemen, very in- genioufly contrived for the purpofe, will be convenient and economical t WANTED, BY a lady of quality, among her fervants, a full-grown woman, of a bad temper, vio- lent paflions, and ungovernable rage ; fhe inuft be an adept in the art of boxing, lug- ging, hair-dreifmg, and {tiff ftarching, as THE FIRE FLIT. (he is to attend her hdymip's perfon (he muft pen anonymous letters with the bittef- nefs and acumen if the expreflion may be allowed of the devil me mud have iludied the " Art of Tormenting" to refinement her countenance and conducl muft either be marked by confummace hypocrify, or over- bearing pride as occafion may ferve ; the fuc.u Dpx, large mafculine features, and blue eyes in short, *n U giy expreflive face would be preferred ; itrong nails and (harp teeth are excellent weapons of female defence he mud have no deficiency in her fpeech, but great volubility of tongue in cafe of vi- olent ruptures to conclude, (he muft be by nature and by art a PERFECT VIRAGO. N. B. No perfons fubjed to fudden fqualls need apply, for her ladyihip being now ad- vanced in life, finds the talk -too much for her nerves, and wifhes ,to fee the economy of the houfe (till fupported, as when ihe was in the zenith of her power. THE FIRE FLY* LITTLE rambler of the night, Where and whence thy glowing light? Is it form'd of ev'ning dew ? Where and whence thy brilliant hue ? Hark ! methinks a voice replies, He that form'd the azure ikies, Great in leaft, and good to all, Lord of man, and infecl final], He it was, thai made this veft, Search, adore, nor know the reft, Xittle rambler of the night, JMefled be this voice of thine ! FRAGMENT. He that clotVd thy form in light, Is the God of me and mine. Go enjoy in verdant fields, What his royal bounty yields, Nip the leaf, or tafte the flower ; Sip in nature's rofeate bower ; Filling full the fpan that's given, With the boons of gracious Heaven. FRAGMENT* MONITOR. BUT man was formed for focial intercourfe, For humbler walks, and pleafures lefs refined. Regarding Fancy's fafcinating voice, The mind becomes enamoured of the found, Accompanies the fprite through pleafant fields, Of bland enchantment, where propitious funs, By lucid tempefts unobfcured, effufe The luftre of perpetual joy ; where love And innocence, and peace predominate. Delighted with the vifionary land, She cheriflies a hope of dwelling there," Of tafting undiiturb'd ambrofial fweets ; But foon a voice of ftern authority Remands the wanderer home. App-'H'd and fack She journeys back, and mournfu^'y furveys The joylefs profpecl: of reality ; Vanifh'd the bright illufions of the brain, VaniuVd the few felicities of life And thrice-embittered unimportant woes. AUTHOR. Extremes (hould be avoided. Virtue's charms, Arrayed in fuperftition's garb, difguft ; And Beauty's rofeate fmile, to vice refigned, May hide a MH-vood's heart, But who difowns Their real, uncontaminated worth For any adventitious injury ? MONITOR, When Fiction's blandifhments enfnare the mind, Farewell to ftudy's laudable endeavours ; EPIGRAM. Improvement, ardour, emulation ceafe. No more the glow of warm enthufiafm Diffufes rapture o'er th'awakened Ibul ; The laurel-wreath no more inspires thebreaft, Reanimates no more to bold acquirements ; But hating every mafculine purfuit, Romance's votaries devour the page, Where forefts, caftles, hippogrieffs and ghofts, Where moonlight, mufic, thunder, Ihrieks and groans Diverfify the fcene with fweet confufion. The lamp burns blue, the dreadful curtain waves, And dim-feen fpeclres flit along the gloom , Imagination fhudders at the fight, And half-recoiling, eyes the fhades alkance j Emboldened foon the legend (he purfues, Purfues with felf-delulion terror's call, Experiencing a not unpleafant horror. Thus pafs the hours of mifconceiving youth, Thofe golden hours, that never will return j Frivolity and indolence, the fruit Of Poefy, of Fiction, of Romance, Ufurp the place of LITERATURE and SCIENCE.. EPIGRAM. " TF Nature never a&s a part in vain, " Who, faid an Atheift, (hall this fa& explain ? f< Why in the glow-worm does her power pro- ; duce < Such lavilh luftre, for fo little ufe ?" A plain blunt fellow, who, by chance, flood by, Heard what he faid, and made him this reply : c< Nature, quoth he, explains her own defign ; " She meant to mortify all pride like thine, " When o'er an ini'ecVs tail fuch light Ihe fpreac! ? . " And left fuch darknefs in a coxcomb's head." o "PATENT MEDICINES. PATENT MEDICINE* Ramrod's Effential TinElure of Gridiron^ OTHERWISE CALLED Natwr/jf Grand Reftorative. DOCTOR SIMON RAMROD, by a fcrutinous and chemical analyzation of vege- table fubftances, has recently discovered that Gridirons contain a fubtle, invigorating flu- id, fympathetically allied to the nervous or magnetic fluid of the human body, which, being fkilfully extracted, and properly pre- pared, becomes a fpecific and infallible re- medy for aimed every complaint, both of mind and body, to which nature has been fubjeft fmce the flood. It is found alfo, to have a powerful effecT: upon the brute crea- tion, and on various inanimate fubftances ; to give relief againft accidents, to be a won- derful quickener of the circulations, and to give renovated (Irength to all mufcular ex- ertions ; from which it is found ufeful to perfors travelling by fea or by land, and to thofe t-xpofed to extraordinary dangers. To announce the inftances in which Ram- rod's Tindure of Gridiron has proved bene- ficiaJ, would be but to give a detail of all the difeaft's to which men, women, and chil- dren are fubjtft. The following are but a few, out of a thoufand and upwards > of cer- tificates, which have been, or may be, pro- cured, as a tedimony of its efficacy The fubfcriber has long been afHi6ted with the tooth-ache, to fuch a degree that nearly PATENT MEDICINES. all his teeth had been drawn out \ and, by an unjull fentence, he alfb unfortunate!/ had both his ears cut ofF. On applying a little of the Tin&ure of the Gridiron to his head, his teeth were retlored, and his head was iaftantly fupplied with as fine a pair of ears as hi could bpalt of the day he was torn. JOHN EAR.VIG. Not long fince, riding on the highway, my hor'fe (tumbled and fell, and fo lamed him fell" as to be unable to proceed. I heard of a phial of the Tindture of Gridiron in the- neighbourhood, and fucldenly found myfelt at the end of my journey, without further trouble. JONA. SPEEDW LL. Having from my infancy had an uncom- mon reliih for Barbecues, I not long fmce attended one -, and, not with (I and ing the fplen- did variety which a fumptuous table afforded, I was unable to eat a mouthful. I took a fpoonful of the Tinclure of Gridiron, and felt as perfectly fatisfied as if I had eaten ail on the table. S. GORMANDIZER. Sometime ago my houie was very much Jnfefled with rats; and one day, while I fat brooding over my misfortunes, a large num- ber of them fuddenly came upon me and ate me up. I inilantly took fome of the Tinlure of Gridiron, and found myfelf at eafe, and have never been eaten fince. JACK RECOVER. 2<5o PATENT MEDICINES. I was, not long fince, fubjecl to extreme fatigue from dancing and other exercife. I took a fmall quantity of the TindVure of Gridiron, and have been dancing ever fince v -without the lead inconvenience. SAML. RIGADOON. Riding out the other day, I accidently fell into a ditch, and broke my legs, my arms and neck. On taking a little of the Tinfture of Gridiron, I inftantly recovered, and have never been near a ditch fmce, nor felt a de- fire to approach one. TOM. TUMBLE. Walking* not long fince, near the machine- ry of a mill, I was caught and carried be- tween two cogwheels, and every bone in my body broken to pieces. A phial of Ram- rod's Tinclure of Gridiron being thrown into the mill-pond, I found myfelf reilored, and as whole and found as a roach. DICK WHIRUGIG. NOTE. Gridiron?, taken in their natural ftate, and particularly taken whole, are, by fldlful chemifts, deemed extremely danger- ous : but the recent difcovery of a mode of preparing the Tinclure from them, places them in the firft rank of valuable plants. OCj" BEWARE OF COUNTERFEITS ! Each bottle is (lopped with a gimlet, and fealed with juniper-berries, and labelled RAMROD's TINCTURE OF GRID- IRON." To be fold only in Frying-pan Al- ley, at the fign of the Tea-keu!e OLD BATCHELOR'S LAMENTATION. i6t AN OLD BATCHELOR'S LAMENTATION. TIME, fwift as a poll, yea, as fwift as the wind, Flies off with my life, and leaves nothing behind ; Flics aff with my joys, and leaves nothing in place, But a painful review of a whim fie aJ chafe. How light danc'd rny fpirits ! how joyous the hours* While youth lent me vigour, and love lent mepow'rs ; But I fee with furrow thofe pleafures decay ; Yet alas ! when I had them, I flung them away. Young Cupid oft threatened to play with his dart, And fometimes he wounded one fide of my heart ; But now I could wifh, when his pranks I review, His godlhiphad ftricken my heart through and through ; Then Hymen's foft bands had per chance been my fate, Nor had I lamented my folly too late ; Nor Chloe had frown'd with an air of difdain, Nor the world had condemned me for living in vain. No innocent prattlers now cling to my knees, No tender endearments to footh and to pleafe ; No bofom-companion to heighten my blifs , Say, can you imagine a ftate worfe than this ? No more the gay fpring in her bridal attire Excites my fond bofom fome nymph to admire j A ftupid indifference pervades my dull veins : Hear this, and be wife, oh ye nymphs and ye fwains* Ye youths and ye virgins, Columbia's firft pride, Indulge the foft poifo-n while youth's on your fide ^ Join hearts and join hands, and with rapture you'll find How happy the lot of the faithful and kind. Ye bachelor drones, who intrude on the hive, You moft infignificar.t creatures aiive, Go, quit you like men, that no more it be faid You are ufeltfs alive, and defpis'd when you're- deai* If lawlefs intrigue be the pride of your life, And a miftrefs your glory inftead of a wife, Your boaited enjoyment is all a miftake, And the height of your pride is the prick of a uk$ O 1 62 BENEVOLENT. A rake is the bane of all permanent blifs ; *Tis pleafure they feck, but true pleafure they mifs L For boaft what they will of their favourite lafs, She's a thorn in their fide, and a fnake in the grafs. Beware, oh ye fair, or with forrow you'll find Their oaths are deceit, and their vows are but wind ; Let virtue and honour and truth be your care, And then you'll be happy, as now you are fair. Return, ye bleft moments, young days of delight ; What, muft you for ever be chas'd from my fight f^ Then adieu to all pleafure this earth can beftow, For a heart void of love is a heart full of woe. BENEVOLENCE. Benevolence, thou facred aid, And attribute of heav'n ; May thy bleft influence ftill pervade, This world to mortals giv'n ! Thy genial influence cheers the heart, Of many a wretch forlorn ; When doom'd from home and friends to part, By dire misfortune torn. *Tis like the fweets which erft were dropp'd, From Hybla's thymy hill ; The wandering ftranger gladly ftopp'd> To tafte the bounteous rill. Thus have I feen on Mary's cheek, The tear of pity fall, The " little brilliant" feem'd to fpeak, Its generous wifli for all. 'Twas then my bcfom felt the flamej Of SYMPATHETIC LOVE, The fweet fenfation ftill remains. Grant Heav'n, it never rove. FRIENDSHIP. HOW fweet the ties of nature prove, When bound in fnendihip's THE S^ 4 SONS. 163 They cherifh life, they eafe its load, And lighten all its pains. When fortune frowns, and traitors flee, And turn their fmiles to jeers ; When o'er the waves we're forc'd to roara> How fweet are friendfhip's tears. When difappointed love has wrought A pang within our breaft; How fweet the victim's foul reclines On friendfhip's downy neft. When o'er the fteeps we catch at fame, And lofe the gilded prize ; How bleft the found ! how fweet the tears ? That flow from friendfhip's eyes. When age o'erfpreads the hero's browy And checks his " wild career ; J? When he reflects how fhort is life, He fighs for friendfhip's tear. When death fhall come to feal And bear us to the fkies ; How bleft the foul who views the tears That moiften friendfhip's eyes. THE SEASONS. HOW mild the bal.ny breath of SPE&ING ! How fair the foftering vernal Iky ! Hark ! how the woodland minftrels flng ! Hark ! how t'<e whifpering zephyrs figh Ufurping S'HMMER fhifts the fcene, And boldly flames in brighter day; How tranfient is his fervid beam ! Shot but to dazzle, and decay. Brown AUTUMN comes in folemn grade ; Unlocks her bounteous ftores in vain 2 How qick her boaOed honours fade ! How faint her itrength, how Ihort her reigff* MARIA, See WINTER fierce, in mad career ! Expiring nature blooms no more ; No flowers bloom to deck the year ; For muiic hark ! the tempefh rojir 1 Thus LIFE'S progreffive feafons pafs Our vernal blulh, our riper bloom, Our fober Autumn's finking glafs, Sad prelude to a wintry tomb. MARIA. MARIA was among the fairefl and fweeteft girls that I have ever known. If the- love of the fonded and beft of parents if the mod enchanting grace and beauty if the pure fpirit and difpofition of a feraph could have faved her from mifery, Maria had been faved. My heart bleeds at the recolle&ion of her. But let me try to command myfelf, while I tell this tale of joy turned into for- row ; of the faired hopes reverfed and blaft^d - of the brighteft luilre and beauty extin- guiftied for ever. Her parents were not rich, but they were good. Although they had lived much in the wor'd, they retained a fimplicity of character which is now rarely encountered except in the defcription of poets. Their benevolent breads were fraught with a tendernefs of feeling, whofe luxury is known only to the poor and humble. The rich and the prof- perous know it only by name. Their fim- plicity, their benevolence, their fenfibility, were concentrated in the bofom of the young Maria they gave an emphafis to her open- ing beauty fuffui'ed her cheek witk a richer MARIA. l6'5 hue and rode, in triumph, on the beams of her eyes, through the heart of every behold- er. I remember Maria at her firil appear- ance in the ball room. She was then about fourteen years of age. The inquiry ran " what rofe-bud of beauty is this !" The epi- thet was applied with peculiar propriety : it depicted in one word, her youth, her beauty, htr innocence and fweetnels. She danced ; when light and etherial as a fylph, (lie furpaf- fed whatever we have read of the wild, the iiriking, the captivating graces difplayed by the rural beauties of the flowery fide of jEtna. It was eafy to read in the countenance of this gay and artlefs young creature, the exulting expectations with which (lie was entering in- to life. Her childhood had paffcd away amid the blandishments and care fibs of her fond parents , all had been eafe, indulgence, and gratification; admired, applauded, and be- loved by every body who fa\y or knew her, every day, every hour, every minute had been filled with animation, joy and rapture. As yet (he frolicked only on fs life's velvet lawn," covered with a canopy of amaranth : and her young fancy was teeming with vifions of blifs, to bright and boundlefs profpels. Alas ! poor Maria : How foon was the fcrene and joyous morning to be overcaft ! A lover presented himfelf. Like Maria, he was in the bloom cf youth, and had every advantage of perfon and addrefs ; but his bread was not like Maria's the refidence of pure and exalted virtue. He loved her indeed -, or 166 MARIA. rather he was infatuated by her beauty j but he was incapable of forming a correct efti- mate of the treafure which was lodged in her bofom ; of that heart whofe p-uriry, deli- cacy, fidelity, generofity, and fenfibility, ?.i\ angel might have owned without a blulh. The dupe, however, of fervent and pathetic profeilions, fhe accepted this man, and Maria, who was formed to crown the happinefs of -A fen fib Ic and virtuous man, became the mifer- abie wife of a weak and vicious one. Merci- ful Cod ! Mud I remember the contrail which I fo often v;itne(Ted, in agony ! Poor Ivlaria ! her velvet lawn was exchanged for a wildcrnefs of briars and brambles 5 her ama- ranthine canopy for the keen cutting blafts of a winter's fky. I have feen Maria in the thronged afTembly room, when every eye was fixed upon her with delight, and followed her in fpeechlefs admiration through the mazea of grateful dance , and I have feen the fame Maria far removed from the world's fociety, and even yet in the bloorn of youth, all lone- ly and drooping like a wounded flower. I have feen the lovely girl prefiding, like a bright propitious planet, at her father's hof- pitable board ; and I have feen her the folitary and menial dredge of her own gloomy and forfaken houiehold. I have beheld her the animating foul of the polifhed circle, difpenf- ing light and life by her fmiles and my own foul has funk within me, to fee her in- fulated from the world, and pierced and lan- guiining under the neglect of her once ardu- cus and afTiduous huiband. She had feen the time when every tranfitory deje&ion of coun- tenance had been watched by him, its caufe affiduoufly explored, and confolation admi- nldered with a tendernefs that could not fail of its efFett.. But now, without a Tingle in- quiry, without one touch of pity, he could fee her face pale with ibrrow, and her once tadient eyes dim with weeping At fuch a moment, inftead of bending before her as he had once done, and preffing his hand to her fympathetic heart, he could call on her a look to cold and chilling as to freeze the vital ilrearn of life even in its fountain, fling out of his houfe with contempt and difgufl, and Javifh on the vicious and impure thofe affec- tionate attentions which he had folemnly vowed to her alone. He might have been happy, and might have realized for his beau- teous wife all thofe dreams of conjugal inno- cence and blifs with which her youthful fan- cy was wont to regale her. But inftead of thcfe pure and calm joys, whofe recolleflion might have gilded the moment of death, he chofe riot, debauchery and guilt ; to his own virtuous and celeftial bed, he preferred habi- tual impurity and proftitution ; and inftead of the ptrpccual fpring which ihe had fondly anticipated, poor Maria experienced only per- petual winter. Slu is gone ; and, with her fitter angels, fhe has found that peace which her unfeeling hufband refufed to her on earth. Her death {tunned him into his fer.lt s. In vain he endeavoured to recal her fleeting 1 68 SCIENCE. breath : in vain he promifed and vowed if (he could be reltored to him, to atone for his pad neglect by future tendernefs. To him the refolution of amendment came too late. AFFECTION. DOES the bofom ceafe to glow, Muft the lyre in filence lie ; Does the heart beat languid ? No FJ iendfhip's flame can never die. Never will it quit the breaft ; Where it once had beeH a gueft. Dance the fpints nimbly round, Does life's current lightly flow ; At the viol's fprightly found Beats the heart refponfive ? No. When our deareft hopes are croft, Mulic's magic power is loft. Js the bofom cafed in fnow, Are its belt emotions chill'd ; Does it ceafe to vibrat? ? No. 'Tis alone with forrovv filfd : But death's ftern hand muft fet it free* Before it can be cold to thec. SCIENCE. C fay fair fcience, darling child Of incluftry and toil ; When wilt thou quit the great, the gay, To blefs my humble foil ? The foas of vanity and wealth, Pay not their court to thee ; Canft thou not leave their fplendid fpherc To lend one ray to me ? Me, who have toil'd the live long day, Nor other joys have known ; wafted out the midnight lamp, To call thv imilcs my own. 169 But ah' to me, the nymph Co coy, Imparts no friendly ray ; In penury I'm doom'd to pine, And linger out the day. RECEIPT TO MAKE A MODERN POET, IN a cogitative Hate, The poet Mr. Plodder fat, Tiab'ring to pen a handfome lay, Upon his Delia's natal day, But e'er he'*d written one fhort line* He found himfelf in \vant of rhyme, He rubb'd his forehead, 'till it bled, And then he fcratch'd his mop-like head. He chewM the quill, each word he writ> And then his finder nails.he bit. At length he threw the paper by, And with a very heavy figh Addrefs'd his mufe in fuch a tone, As -> oiiJdhave movM a heart of ftone. Swift from high Shockce hill* the maid Defcends, and brings her poet aid, Plodder, fhe cries, " no more complain> " I will affid you, in your (train, (s Mind what I fay, and then your rhyme *' Shall flow with eafe at any time, ** Put down, for inftance, words like thefe. And fill the fpace with what you pleafe : y Delia thou my nymph, above all others fair^ Thou iin^el with the carrot coloured hair, By nature form'd to fiorm each youthful- b ready An -) e'e.i to ro s an anchorite of reft, With eyes to dim the twinklers of the jfkie?, And mife a hnrncane of lovers' fighs, Permit the bard upon thy natal day> SuhmJffiveat thy feel his verie to Say : Long may you live revolving years to fee. From time's rude hand and ev'ry danger -free : P * 7 RECEIPT. To cheer the world with thy refplendent charms. But only blefs thy loving poet's arms. " This is the lule that's now in ufe, *' You fee how foon it can produce, " Adopt it, and no doubt you'il fhine ; " Many will deem your verfes fine, a For men now think, and moft works fhew it) " Th at found alone,')' can form the poet, " To fancy, genius and invention, " Our modern bards make no pretenfion, t Nor do they I mean no offence, " Care much for good old common fenfe. * This proves that Parnafius is not the only feat of the mufes. I dare venture to a/Tert that there are three times nine mufes on three feveral hiils about Richmond, who if properly encouraged, would fing delightfully. This is the age of difcoveries. f What an old gander the once celebrated Dryden, at prefent feems to us great geniufes, when we read his advice, viz. " Learn to rife in fenfe, and fink in found." Rife in fenfe, and fink in found ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Why is not mufic allowed by Congreve, to be capable of foftening rocks and bending knotted oaks and inuft we give up found for dull fenfe ? Bcfides, there's another fellow, one Matt. Prior, he feems to have been an enemy to improvement fays he, as a precept, " Let him be kept from paper, pen, and ink, ' So he may ceafe to write, and learn to think." That would be a pretty joke, if authors in our coun- try, were to be retrained from the above materials, until they think. Why, writers would for twenty years to come, be as fcarce among us as the growth of nutmegs. An impudent fellow had the aflurancethe other day ? to fpeak extemporaneoufly to a poctefs, Madam, I think, you're very wrong, Thus to be delving at fing fong. SWEARING. It founds fo like a fcraper's tweedle, Throw down your pen, take up the needle. Would not a rhyming dictionary be very ferviceable to our 1805 poets for it is presumed they never intend to write in blank vcrfe, becaufe it is fo dry Ihould they however condefcend fo far, would it not be advife- able for them to gut old MiJton, Thompfon, and others, and then introduce them in a new form. If they chufe to have fenfe in their compofitions, and yet are addicted to rhyme, fuppofe they hafh up, as is the cooks' faying, poor Gray, beginning, " Lo where the rofy bofom'd hours ** Fair Venus' train appear," &c. Or any other old animal, that can be fo drefled as to fuit the palate of the public. I do not at prefent recollect any more notes that I ought to fubjoin, although, true it is, I wilh to imitate feveral modern bards, who feem to have compofed poems, merely for the purpofe of writing addenda, three times as long as thofe poems themfelves. A SERMON IN PRAISE OF SWEARING IN CONVERSATION. Dent. vi. 13. And SHALT swear by bis yame. THERE is a fet of men in the world, who need to be known only in order to be defpifed; men who are a conftant fubjett for ridicule, and jultly the derifion of the gay and more refined part of the human fpecies : men who are fo (lupid, as to be more enamoured with the pleafure of a benevolent aftion, more charmed with giving joy, to the helplefs and miferable, with drying up the tears of the dif- trefled, or foothing the agonies of the burfting h^art, than with the lordly.- pride of wanton power, than in rendering the wretched more 3WEATUN3. wretched, than with fpurning at patient me- rit, or even the fatisfattion ofj-acking tenants, hoarding wealth, or all the high gratification of a debauch , more delighted with the vi- fionary pkafure of indulging their own re- fli-ciioiis, and the appiaufe of a good con- fckncc, that; with the charms of a bottle, the tranfports afforded by the lafcivious wanton^ or ail liic ijigh-wroughc indulgences of a luxurious appetite. And, in one word, to fun- up their character, more afraid of a falie, or even an unneceffary oath, than of the point of a fword. It is with thefe poor mean-fpirited wretches that I am now to combat, in order to (hew the great advantages that attend a flict com- pliance with the injunction in my text, And tlxu fialt fwear by his name. I (hall not here take up your time in examining the con- text, or even. in confidering what is meant by the command in niy text, which fome would confine to the neccffary oaths, taken in a courc of judicature j but, like all found divines, and in compliance with the :uilom of a!l good commentators and difputairts, confider the paiiage before us in that latirude, which ia. mod adapted to anfwcr my particular defign. One man takes his text, arid endeavours, with the moil elaborate eloquence, to prove, that the bible he preaches from b a work. not fit to be read \ that it nev^-r was defjgned. for the inftrudion of fuch blockheads as his audience, who, by looking into it, incur SWEARING. 173 nation. What concerns all to know, mud be read by none but the prieft, or whom he fhall appoint. How glorious that revelation, which, in the hands of the multitude, points the way to mifery, but, in thofe of the church, to eternal life ! It is (he alone, who can infallibly inform us, that love, and cha- rity, and compaflion, and tendernefs, fo of- ten mentioned in that old book, the bible, mean fpite, and hatred, and the inquifition, and burning fagots. Another proves, that the God of truth is the God of falihood ; and, finding his fcheme cojitraditted, by the language of fcripture, from fcripture nicely diitinguifhes between a revealed and a fecret will, both oppofite, both contradictory to each other. Scripture he proves to be a lye ; his opinion he proves to true from fcripture. Ye deitts rejoice in thefe your friends ! Admit them into your focieties ! They, like you, can darken truth, they have aflifted you in fet- ting fragment againfl fragment ; and, when the dazzling fun-beams fhine too bright, can wifely clofe their eyes. Let me too be per- mitted to rank myfelf on this (ide, and, coun- tenanced by fuch great authorities, to take a text that faits my prefent purpofe, regard- lefs of every other paffage that may be fup- pofed to contradict it: nay, regardlefs of the text itfelf, any further than as it may ferve for a piaufible introduction to what I have to offer. P a SWEARING. It is fufEcient, therefore, that we huve here a command tp fwear by the name of God , which I (hall take, in the common i\\ '' vuigr.r fenfe of the word fwearing, to mean, not only all manner of oaths, but whatever jiots under the denomination of fwearing in converfaticn, or oaths, curfcs, and imprecations. In treating this fubjeft I {hall conSder, I. The many advantages attending the frequent ufe of oaths, curfes, and impreca- tions ; in which will be fuiliciently proved, th- falfenefs of the aiTertion, that fwearing is attended with neither pleafure nor profit. II. Anfwerfome objections. And, III. Make a fuitable application. I. I am to confidtr the many advantages, arifmg from a frequent ufe of oaths, curfes, and imprecations. In the firft place, this genteel accompliih-* inent is a wonderful help to difcourfc ; as it fuppliesthe want of good fenfe, learning and eloquence. The illiterate and ilupid, by the help of oaths, become orators , and he, w : hofe wretched intellects would not permit him to utttr a coherent fentence, by this eafy pr c- tice, excites the laughter, and fists the atten- tion of a brilliant and joyous circle. He be-* gins a ftory, he is loft in a vacuity of thought, am! would initantly, to his eternal difhonour, become filent, did not a feries of oaths and in^precations give him time to gather up or ratjicr feek the thread of his difcourfe : he b^ ^ins again, vigain he is loft, but having com* piimcnted nis friends, by calling for eternal SWF AR INC, on thtm all, he has thought what to fay next, and finds himfelf able to proceed with a fentence or rwo more. Thus he Hill talks on, while thought follows llowly after, B;?'t expedient ! by the ufe of which polite convcrfation glides on uninterrupted, while found is happily fubitituted in the place of fenfe : by this, mankind communicate fami- liar nolle to each other, with as litrle intellec- tual ability and labour, as a pa< k of well- matched hounds ; fo often the object of theiy delight and admiration ! O how prt pofteroufly abiurd then! how falfe, and contrary to expe- rience, is that ridiculous aiTertion, that fwear- ing is attended with, neither pieafure nor pro- fit ! For what higher pleafure, what greater profit and advantage can a man enjoy, than to find, that, in ffiie of 'nature , who has directed him to befiltnt) he can hear himfelf talk talk without ftammering, or drawiing out each heavy fentence, that lags behind to wait on though? a Ye idiots rejoice ! ye coxcombs, whofe codive brain never dictated the flow- ing fentiment, be glad ! Ye whom learning never fired, in flu-pid ignorance loft, exult ! Bled with eafe and indolence, you talk, and thofe, like you, admire \ while fiilenin^ dae- mons clap their wings, and grin applaufe. Forgive me, if fired with my fubjt<St, I lofe my ufual moderation, for who can help b /mg warmed at the mention of fuch glorious advantages as thefe ? Advantages, which le- vel the convc-rfation of the mighty, and r.n'fe the oratory oi the carman and the porter. 176 SWEARING. the lowed frequently excel ; the ploughman, with clouted moon, outvies his competitors, and practifes the vices of the gentleman, with more fuccefs than the lord of the manor, or the fplendidcourtitr, though adorned with liar and garter. Here no abilities, no learning are neceflT.ry, no ftudious hours art- required to attain perfection Tropes and figures, all the flowers of oratory, all the pedantry of the fchools, are vain and ufelefs tru.mpi.Tjr, compared with chefe ornaments: they require pains and itudy, nor can be applied witnout judgment, and the toil of reading what are fooliihly called, the ingenious and polite au- thors : but iwearing is, as I have faid, learn- ing to the ignorant, eloquence to the block- head, vivacity to the itupid, and wit to the coxcomb. Secondly, Oa'hs and curfes are a proof of a moil heroic courage, at leaf! in appearance, which anfwers the fame end. For who can doubt the valour, the intrepidity of him \vho braves the thunder of heaven, who affronts the moil formidable being in the univerfe, and treats with contempt, that all-enlivening principle which fuflains and animates the , whole creation ? Of what a noble elevation is tin heart of a coward confcious, when he thus defies the Almighty, and imprecates the fires of Htll ! Let the bluftering bully domineer, Jet him roar out his curfes, and threaten all w-'H dare provoke the vengeance of his potent ai , let him terrify by a furly frown, and intimiuaie when, with portly gait, he vents SWEARING. 777 ten thoufand curfes on the wretch, who im- pudently, prefumes to oppofe his mighty will who dares doubt -his courage ? Who can believe, that the cane, or the toe, when duly applied, can have fuch magic power, as to make him twill, and writhe himfelf like a ferpenr, till, with this exercife, his joints and his mind, become fo fupple that he can bend and cringe and a(k for pardon ? Let the meek foldier boafl his deeds in war, and with oaths and execrations lace the fell" -flattering tale ; who can btiiove that fo j?reat a hero ihoaid have an antipathy to the fight of Reel ? Or that hs, who challenges the blading -lightning to fall on his head, would tremble and turn pale at the flnfh of a piilol ? No, this muft never be imagined j for can it he fuppofed that he has lefa bravery in the field than in the tavern ? With thefe blattering expletives then, the coward may itrut and look big, and every minute give frefh proofs of an invincible courage : he may bravely fport with that being whofs frown would make the heavens and earth to tremble : he- may feem to (natch the ver: : *eance from his uplifted hand, and throw it on his foe : he may invoke the -wrath of heaven ; and wha can imagine that he is afraid of death, when he is continually calling for all the horrors of hell ? 1 hirdly, He heieby not only gives a proof of his courage, but informs the world, that he, us ; tir'Jy dive ? ed of all the fooliih pre* education and has unlearnt-^ 178 SWEARING. " All that the nurse, and all the pricft have taught;" that he has no: only (hook off the ihaekles of enthufiafm, but has banifhed from his mind, that reverence of the deity, \vhich is the foundation of every fyftem of religion. He is not fufpeded of being fuch a fool as to want initru&ion, fmce it cannot be imagined, that he has fo dull a talte as to go to' church, uniefs, if he be a gentleman, to ogle the ladies ; if a clown, to fleep ; or, if a tradef- man, in oomplaifance to the fober old wo- men of both fexes, who happen to be his cuf- tomers : and he has this advantage, that he will never be taken for a pious churchman, a prefbyterian, a quaker, or a methodift. And in reality, he is to far from being a bigot to any religious principles, that he belongs to no religious fociety upon earth. That he is not, nor cannot be a Chriltian, is evident ; for what is chriftianty ? It is extenfive bene- v jlence, humanity and virtue, to which he* bids defiance with every curfe. He cannot be a deift, becaufe they openly profefs the utmoft reverence for the deity ; and for the fame reafon, he can neither be a Jew, nor a Mohamedan, or a follower of Confucius. No, nor even an atheift j fince we cannot conceive that he would fo often call upon God, if he were thoroughly convinced there was no fuch being in the univerfe ; however, he every minute lets us fee, that he does not fear him. How unlicenfcd is his freedom, how glori- ous and uncondrained ! Let the wretches, who meanly bend their wills, and regulate their actions, by the fage dictates of reafon and confcience , who ftoop to follow the rules of religion, and call them facred ; let thefe bridle their tongues, let thefe confine them- felves within the narrow limits prefcrib<-d by reafon and good fcnfe : the fwe^rer knows better ; fenfe, and reafon, and religion, are all fubfervient to his will, he difdains their fet- ters, and rules thofe which rule all the world bciide. Fourthly, and ladly, another advantage which attends this vice of the gentleman, this noble accompliihmenr, is, that it fome- times raifes him to dignity and honour. Under this head indeed, I take a greater latitude, and advert to a remote confequence of the practice of fwearing : but, as there is fuch a clofe concatenation in all our habits, and virtue and vice are progreiUve in their very nature, I fhould not do complete juilice to my fubjedt, if I omitiect the confideration of it in this particular view. When a man, therefore, by a happy alfociation of ideas, joins to the other advantages of this vice, ideas of wealth and grandeur : when he fees no argument, that appears of any weight, to bind him down to the unthrifty rults of ho- nefty, and his regard for his own private advantage is too flrong, to let him have any for the private property of his neighbour ; what fhould hinder him, when a f<ir oppor- tunity offers, from raifing himfelf, by the ruin of his neighbour, Ms companion ^ or his dearefl friend ? He has fworn to a thou- ISO SHEARING. fa?d lies in company, without any view of private advantage ; what fhould prevent him then from taking one falfe oath, when the advantage is fo confiderable ? Surely, nei- ther conference, nor n j afon, nor religion, cart do this : no, that is impoflible ; for I, who am as infallible as any dignified pried, that ever mounted a pulpit, have aflerted, that thefe are all fubfervient to his will. Here the fwearer, with an unbounded am- bition, afpires to fcize on wealth, and bold- ly to grafp at thofe riches, which fortune has foolifhly given to a more deferving per- fon ; and this in fpite of JUSTICE and EQJ- TY , who are his prefefled enemies. Thus lie rifes above the multitude, and gains a lading fame ; not by blood and (laughter, but by cunning, deceit, and artifice ; by burding through the mod folemn engage- ments, breaking in fundr the bonds of fo- ciety, and only violating what all honed men hold facred. Suppofe, that he fail in his attempt, and the property of the perfon he has attacked remain bviolate : he is con- vtyed to a cadle, drong as that of a crowned head ; where no impertinent intruders dare appear to didurb his repofe : for in the day time he has a porter to dand at his gate ; in the night his faithful attendants lock and bar his doors. Surrounded with guards, he pays a folemn vifit at the feat of JUSTICE j he has the ho- nour of being admitted to the royal bench ; he converges with that fovereign perfonagc C\V FARING. he elf, and, ior a conii evable urn--, up tiit whole attention of her prime mim'f- ters, the lords of her court, who, affiduous to pay him all due refpetl, wait his coming, in their proper habiliments ; and, though it be ever to early in the day, he is never re- ceived with the difrefpe6tful negligence of an undrefs. The ceremony being over, he is recondu6red by the fame guards who brought him thither, and who dare not pre- fume to leave him, till he is fafe within his palace. He now foon receives the reward of his baffled dexterity, the glorious fruit of his ambition. The day arrives, devoted to mirth and jollity ; bufinefs and care are laid afide, and every labouring hand has now a holiday. He walks, or rides in his tri- umphal car, attended by a numerous throng of gazing fpetators ; he is mounted above their heads, and his neck, not his temples, adorned with a civic wreath, and his wrifls with an embrafure, compofed of a matter, fomcthing coarfer, indeed, than that of pearls and diamonds. This is no fooner done, than gaping thoufands fend forth fhouts of joy* and bending low, evsn to the ground, pay him homage ; then rifing up, with loud ac- clamations, prefent their tribute, driving who mod (hall pay, who ofteneil bend. He is covered, he is loaded, with their gifts, and fenfibly touched with their bounty. The more he gains, the more unenvied here he ftands, while all rejoice, and give the ap- IB2 SWEARING. plaui'e that is his due. But, let his modefty be ever fo great* let his bluflies be like the trickling drops of crimfon, painting his bafli- ful cheek, and prompting a willingneis to retire from thefe honours ; yet one hour, at leaft, he is conftrained to Hay, to receive the willing offers of the multitude. Thrice hap- py man ! had confcience, or had reafon fwayed, thou never hadft thus been bleft ; unknown thou mighteft have lived, unknown have died. II. I corne now in the next place, to anfwer fome objections : but as thefe, after what has been faid, mud appear extremely trifling, I (hall be as concife as poflible, and haften to a conclufion. It is faid, In the^zr/? place, that the fwearer ac^s in dire6l oppofition to all the rules of right reafon. But how can this be called an objection againft fwearing ? What have we to do with right reafon ? \Ve leave it to the dull wretches, the men of reflection : and yet there are fome of thefe, who attempt to mi- rnick us : but if they ac~t inconfiftently with their own abilities, let them look to that. An upright man is a downright fool, if he f wears at all. Let thofe who can talk with- out, extol their wonderous talents ; they have no ne^d of this polite vice to recommend them to the world. The fqueamifh wretch, \vho is afraid of a lie, has no need to fwear to what he fays, for he is certain that his xvord will be readily taken. But away with SWEARING. l8j thefe yea and nay wretches, men born to be pointed at ; the (heepifh, the fober fools, who, regardlefs of the boundlefs liberty which we enjoy, talk of rectitude of manners, reli- gion, and confidence. Secondly, and lallly, it is objected, that it is one of the moll fenfelefs, unnatural, rude, and unmannerly vices, that ever was invented. This ; it mud be confefled, is paying a fine compliment to at lead half the polite world. How can that be rude and unmannerly^ which gives fuch a grace to converfation ? It is true, we exprefs ourfelves flrongly, and ufe none of thofe languid, fneaking epithets in our difcourfe, which your modeil men, your men of humanity make ufe of: but as we talk without meaning, nobody can fay that we mean ill. And indeed, it is a very in- jurious expreflion, to fay that this is unnatu- ra!, when fo many of us have the honour of being univerially deemed to be little better than naturals. Now I have proved fo effectually the great advantages attending the practice of this genteel and fafhionable vice, that there needs but one word by way of application. Confider, O confider, how ineflimabk are the advantages whicifih have mentioned ! If there be any one here defirous of obtaining thefe, and yet is troubled and intimidated with the impertinence of a reftlefs conference flying in his face, and threatening to haunt him C , like a ghoft, let him follow my advice, and 184 SWEARIN6. (onfcience will fall aileep, Would he iteel his heart againft compun&ion, let him ad- vance by degrees , if he be afraid of an oath, let him come as near it as he can, let him cry, Egad) ra>nnation y and a dram ye / let him thus chip and carve a few common-place expreflions, to fit them to his confcience, and the bufmefs will be done. This, prac- tice will render familiar, and the coward, who firft trembled at the thought of hell, will foon have the courage to call for dam- nation. And now, ye, who have long indulged this vice ; who have arrived at perfection in this great accomplifhment, and, by this mean, have gained that applaufe, which na- ture would have denied you, which reafon refufed, and confcience condemned : you, 1 fay, who, by the aiMance of this vice, have didinguifhed yourfelves, either as the orator, the pimp, or the bully : you who, with more iiiitinguilhed glory have graced the lofty pil- lory ; and you who, under fpecious oaths of Ipeedy marriage, have violated virgin inno- cence, and rewarded the maid, that loved Tcru, with eternal infamy ; conficler thefe noble advantages, applaud, congratulate your- felves, and rejoice : you have not (lopped at the rnoil flagrant impieties ; you have chal- lenged, and defied the blafting power of hea- ven to do its word, and with a diflinterefl- cdnefs peculiar to yourfelves have generouf- 3y fold the reverfion of eternal, inexhaufti- ble happinefs, merely for the pleafarc of af- EDUCATION. 185 fronting that great beneficent being, who has prepared it for you ; your indulgent crea- tor, and almighty friend. How nobly un- grateful ! how unfelfifh your condud ! Boaft your bravery, a id confider the wifdom of the exchange : for how blind mult you be to every felf-interefted view, how deaf to the calls of felf-love, while infinite unbound- ed felicity has no charms, when (landing in competition with the delight of affronting a benefactor, with the pleafure of a curfe, and the fatisfa6tion of hearing your own imper- tinence ! STUPIDITY, IGNORANCE, and FOL- LY, are on your fide : at, therefore, like men, who profefs to be their friends, and like the true enemies of REASON, RELIGION, and COMMON SENSE. You have feen your prac tice juitified with advantages, which you. never thought of : if thcfe have any weight, ifthefehave any claims, let them have all their influence. To fum up all, let every man at confidently with his real chara6ter a and, by his indulgence of this practice, or his forbearance, let his abilities, or his fol- lies, ftand confeflcd. EDUCATION. YE happy youths who tread, with willing The path of learning's venerable feat ; Where Truth's fair form in claffick (hades is found* And Science breathes her infpiration round Oh fay, while youth yet folds you in her arms> And hope yet flatters with delulive charms, While joy attends^ Companion of your way> QJ EDUCATION And no dark cloud o'nfcures your infant day, How f-Areet to rangv the Acaclernick bow'r And cull with eager hand each daffick flow'r : To dwell with rapture on each mighty name That fhines refplendent on the Roll of Fame, And catch a fpark of that celefthl fire That rous'd the Hero, or that wak'd the Lyre ! How fweet to dwell on Homer's glowing line, Homer the Great High Pried of all the Nine : And heard the letter'd Prince of Roman fong Pour the rich tide of melody alon^r : With i'eftive Horace fprightlieft fon of mirth, W.'-.om Attic doves inftructed at his birth, Prefs the rich cluilers of the teeming vine And pledge, in Lyric draughts, the tuneful Nine. Or lift the Teian Bard, whofe fportive foul Glows in his verfe and fparkles in his bowl, Thrill all the maddening raptures of his lyre, While melting fpirits wanton on the wire. Or if the mind in forrow love to fhare, And feeks another's load of grief to bear ; Then penfive pour o'er Curtius' flow'ry page> And mourn th'effe&s of Macedonian rage, Sigh for Darius from his empire hurl'd, Afplendid ruin to initrucl the world. Not to the ancients only are confin'd The various plcafures of the ftudent's mind. 3 Tis his with fancy's eye to range each clime, And even arreli the " feather'd feet of time, To pierce wherever truth or fcience (hone And make the labours of the world his own. Hence, tho' to one fmall fpot of earth confin'd 3 We view the daring ardour of his mind Look through all nature with a fingle glance, Shew what depends on fate, and what on chance^ With Newton trace tl e . omet on its way, Or count each beam c 'ight that gilds the dayj. Delighted mark the varied planets roll, And own the wife concordance of the whole, With Locke and Reid unfold the inward man And each fine 'pring of human action fcan. The fecret chambers of the mind explore^ EDUCATION. 187 And feafi; the foul with metaphyfick lore Thefe are the fweets that crown your riling hours, That ftrew your infant path of life with ftow'rs, That in yon hallow'd walls delight to dwell And lure her votaries to learning's cell ; For you the world yet (preads no wily fnare, For peace and angel innocence are there. Oh may ye learn, beneath his foftering hand, .To whom is lent the promtfe of our land, Whofe liberal foul enlighten'd and renn'd Delights in all the good of all mankind, Delights to form to truth the infant breaft And bleffing others is himfelf molt bleft, Oh may ye learn t' improve the precious hour Which Heav'n indulgent places in your pow'r j, To wake each noble impulfe of the foul, Reftrain each paffion under juft controul, To own the finer feelings of the heart And bid the figh at others' forrows ftart, To view misfortune with a pang fincere And give to mis'ry pity's tendtreft tear Oh cherilh in your commerce with mankind The dear inftin&ive fympathits of mind, And ever be with this great truth impreft, 'Tis virtue beams the funfiiine of the breaft. But moft of all religion's facred pow'r Cheers pilgrim man thro' life's fad varying hour i To her in awful reverence we bend ; The atheift's terror but the chriftian's friend, Hail ! meek religion, 'tis to thec we owe Each fource of blifs- each antidote of woe ; *Tis thine when clouds life's tranfient day deform To lift the finking foul above the ftorm, To beam the fmile ferene, the tranfpgrt ev'n, And grant a foretafte of the blifs of Heav'n^ And thou to whom in gratiiude beloi.g Tue heart's warm tribute, and the mufes fong, Vv'ho led'ft my infant Heps to learning's (lirine, And taught'st me to revere her form divine, Taught 'it me when journeying thro' life's turbid Where forrows thicken and where hope decays, Where thofe defert us whom we held moft dear 1 88 SPRING;. And nought is left for mifery but a tear, To raife, like Anaxagoras, my eyes And place my hopes of blifs beyond the ikies, To feek refign'd religion's fair abode And reft my hopes and forrows with my God. Oh may'ft thou long, to us and fcience Hear, Defer thy flight to heaven and linger here ; Still linger here a bleffing to mankind And perfect what thy mighty foul defignM. And when at length, thy courfe of virtue run, We mark the luflre of thy fetting fun ; "When the laft hour foall come when we muft part, (Oh fatal truth that rrnds the poet's heart) May no rudt pangs thy parting foul annoy, But dreams of blifs thy lateft hour employ ; May ibothing recollection of the paft Beam comfort round, and rheer thee to the laft, While joyful angels point thy tracklefs way To blisful regions of eternal day. SPRING. HARK ! it was fure the Turtle's note, The breezes bore along, At Sp- ing's return fhe tunes her throat. Moaning thefe woods among. Sa.d fongftrefs ! let thy mufic flow, In murmurs oi> my ear, Ami I will hail thy plaint of woe, While Spring 's fweet buds appear. Soft K rer'zes catch the foothing found, And fancy loves thy lay, While echo fwells it all around, At morn and clofe of day. Now nature mourns no more decay, But wakes ag^in in fniiles, And blooming fweet in rich array, Her vot'ry's time beguiles. oh, may fwift the genial yeaiy brother's health CLOSE OF AUTUMN. 189 Spread o'er that languid form fo dear, Hygeia's tints once more ! Spring breathes ! the balmy power breathes, And infant buds expand, Opening they twine in rofy wreaths, Bath'd by Aurora's hand. Aad now appear the fmMVd bow'rs, Adcrn'd with vivid hues, Foliage creeping with the flow'rs, That blu(h through morning dews,, exhales, and from his wing, Does grateful odours (hake* While birds their matin chorus Ong, And fweeteit concert make. The waves no longer hoarfely roar, Their darnings rude they ceafe $ And flowly pa fling gently pour, Soft founds infpiring peace. Oh nature ! pleafure giving powV And great in ev'ry fceiie, Belov'd is e'en thy itorray hour, But more thy fm;le fertne. CLOSE OF AUTUMN. OFT through thefe fcenes I filent rovc> And mark the changeful year ; See the fir ft tints adorn the grove, Or view the profpcdl drear. And now the haunts late green and gay, Awake the foaibre thought ; I mourn to fee this fwift decay, And nature's ruin wrought. for autumn now a mantle fpreads, Of hrovvnilh yellow hue ; No flowers (hew their blufhing heads a Jmpearl'd with morning dew> THE RECLUSE. But blafts now tear the faded bow'r, And howling fright the ear, While fancy at the ciufky hqur, Bids airy forms appear. The foaming waves, they dalh the fhore, And melancholy found ; And while the winds that widely roar, Make folemn mufic round ; I mark the fcenes with penfive care, And fympathetic fighs, For fummer flown I drop a tear, Then on it moralize THE KECLUSE.. (( And he made Man a little hiucr than the Angels:' " In joyous youth, what foul hath ever known Thought, feeling, tafte, harmonious to his ear ? Who hath not paufed, while beauty's penfive eye Afk'd of his heart the tribute of a figh ? Who hath not own'd, with rapture fmitten frame, The power of grace the magic of a name ?" THE moralifl may lament the depravity of human nature he may paint in the live- lieil and mod fafcinating colours the beau- ty and reality of VIRTUE difplay the hag- gard face of VICE exhibit her to our view llripped of her falfe and deceptive glare, in all her original deformity ; but unlefs fome more powerful auxiliaries are enlifted on his fide, (he will (till triumph in fecurity, and continue to defy the powers of reafon and of .truth. For thefe auxiliaries we need not wander into the regions of fancy, or call on << fpirits of the vaily deep" They are at THE RECLUSE. our doors, have nurtured us before we faw the light, are the nurfes of our infant years, ' and the loved companions of our lives. In fliort, I would call on the female part of our race for their afTriance in this momentous work. 'I heir influence on fociety has ever been univerfally acknowledged, and (hould they with one accord join heartily in fo great, fo good a caufe, nothing could withftand that influence. If they would not only pur- fue virtue themfelves, but, enamoured with the beauty of holinefs, and truly fenfible of the dignity of the female charafter, give an open and decided preference to thofe who ex- ult in virtue what a wondrous change in our national manners would be fpeedily ef- fected. Men, fenfible that their only pafT- port to the favour of the fair, was an ho- nourable and virtuous name, would fly, as from a peftilence, the haunts of vice and de- pravity, where their morals are now cor- rupted, and their health becomes a prey to loathfome difeafe : they would be feen the delighted companions of rational fociety, and the faithful guardians of innocent credulity. The moit lovely part of the creation would alfo be charmed with the change. They would inftantly be exalted to that Ration in fociety to which their influence on idolizing man juftly gives them a claim. They would be courted with all the ardent veneration that a pure and virtuous heart is capable of feel- ing 5 and they would rife in the ide^ of theT fafcinated lovers, until they in truth beheld THE RECLUSE. them but a little lower than thofe Celeftial Hods that chaunt Hofannahs in the Higheft Heaven ; and the epithet of angelic, now given in derifion, we fhould fcarcely doubt them entitled unto. " Come bright improvement, on the car of time* And rule the fpacious earth from clime to clime ! Come, Heavenly Powers, primeval peace reltore ; Love, mercy, wifdom, rule for evermore/' Let the hardened fenfualifts laugh virtue to fcorn, and feek for joy in the haunts of illicit love Let the man of the world, whofe mind hourly purfues every calculation of in- tereft, and whofe dreams each night are the golden treafures of Golconda, defpife what he, without doubt, will call the fooliih ima- gination of an enthufiaft. 1 write not for them, but to fouls of fofter mould ; and they will believe when I avow that I have beheld VIRTUE in a female form, have been the delighted witnefs of its fafcinating influence on fociety, and have paid a willing homage to its power. And if fuch have been the power of an individual, what can poffibly withstand the whole fex armed in all the lovelinefs of virtue, and marching on con- quering and to conquer ? Yes I repeat, I have known the influence of the propriety of principles and conduct ; and who, that has been blefled with an acquaint- ance with the gentle ASPASIA, but will glad- ly aiTent to its truth. Born in one of the great cities of America* of parents who de- lighted in teaching the young idea how to THE RECLUSE, 193 (hoot, -her mind at an early age acquired the power of difcrimination : as fhe gre\v in years, fhe alfo grew in knowledge \ and fhe at an early age became the delight of her friends, and the admiration of her acquaint- ance. Whilft with -true politenefs fhe ever, in the trivial and common intercourfe of life, preferred the wi(hes of others to her own, and was perfectly willing to {ing, to ride, to walk, to fit, and converfe, as the flate of her companions would dictate in matters of efTentiai right and wrong, fhe was immovable. No intreaties, no artifice, could engage her to countenance, or commit an action which that Divine Monitor, con- fcience, told her was evil ; and nothing could deter her from purfuing what fhe was con- vinced was her duty. The dignity of her deportment put infolence to the blufh, and vanity became abaihed in her p re fence. The bold-eft libertine was awed into filence, and the half-formed jeft died unpronounced from his tongue. Yet this was not in confe- quence of any haughtinefs of manners, na- tural or afTumed ; (he was ever cheerful, eafy and condefcending. But fhe difguifed not that (he preferred virtue to vice, was a be- liever in the facred fcriptures, and an hum- ble follower of Him who died for her. Poffrffing a perfon gracefully elegant, man- ners eafy and polite, a countenance beaming with fenfibility and good will, it cannot be fuppofed that fhe was without profeffed ad- R "194 THE RECLUSE. rnirers. A number of gentlemen, fuppofed by the world to be unexceptionable, offered her their hands , but {he had drawn a pic- ture of her intended, of which thefe were not the likenefs. Afpafia therefore, with great gratitude and gentlenefs, fupprefTed their hopes, but in fuch a manner as, while it increafed their admiration and filled them with regret, left them without the lead rea- fon to complain, and they became the friends of her whom they had afpired to call by a more endearing name. I knew her well, was the delighted wit- nefs of her virtues ; was honoured with her approbation ; made happy by her fricndfhip, and was admitted into her mod unreferved confidence , and although accident has drawn rne from her fociety, and cut me off from -all direcT: communication with her although I do no more imbibe inftruclion from her lips; nor am bleiled with her fentiments warm and undifguifed from the heart, drawn in language correct and impreffive I once owed much of my happinefs to her friend- (hip, and even now thus retired, I am net without the confolation of believing that her heart bears teftimony of my truth and faith- fulnefs, and that fhe would ftill greet with joy him (lie, has long called her friend. I have fomctimcs, in my accidental inter- courfe with the world, heard her name cou- pled with praife ; and truly rejoiced on find- ing that (he ftiil continues her virtuous and brilliant courfe, that {he is the fupport and THE PETITION OF A GOOSE. 195 confolation of the widow and fatherlefs, the inftru&or of the ignorant and defender of the opprefled. Go on, ASPASIA, thou art blefled with the approbation of Men and Angels, and haft prepared for thee in ano- ther and a better world, a Crown of Eternal Glory. PETITION OF A GOOSE. PITY the forrows of a poor old Goofe, Whofe feeble Heps have borne her to your door, Broke down with forrow, lame, and paft all uie, O ! give me corn, and Heav'n will blefs your (lore.. My feather'd coat, once lily white, and fleck, By cruel pluckings grown fo bare and thin ; Thefe rags, alas ! do mifery befpeak, And fhow my bones, juft ftarting through the fkin. " Come, Biddy, come," that well known, pleafing found, Stole in foft murmurs from Dame Parlet's farm ; For plenty there, in youthful days, I found, So waddled on, unconfcious then of harm. Soon as I reached this once bleft, happy cot, Feeding the pigs, came Parlet from the fty ; More kicks than half-pence I too furely got, She feized a broomftick, and knockM out my eye. A bandy cur, fworn foe to all our race, Some few years paft, when I was ftrong and plump, Who, if I hifs'd, would run and hide his face, Now boldly tears my breeches from my rump. The wall-eyed brute next bit me through the leg ; A fnr-tty boy, too, out of wanton joke, For whom I've laij* .tye, many and many an egg, Snatch/d up a ilone, and this left pinion broke. TEST CF FRIENDSHIP. To go from hence you fee I am not able ; Oh ! take me in, the wind blows piercing cold \, Short is the paflage to the barn or ftable, Alas ! I'm weak, and miferably old. St.. Michael's fatal day approaches near, A day we all have reafon fure to curfe ; Itv'n at the name my blood runs cold with fear s So iiiimical is that faint to us. You have misfortunes ; why fhould I repine ? We're born for food to man full well I know : But may your fate, ah ! never be like mine, A poor old Goofe, of mifery and woe* A numerous flock elected me their Queen j- jf then was held of all their race the pride ; When a bold Gander waddling from Brook-Gren, Declar'd his love, and I became his bride. Goflings we had, clear comforts of my life ; But a vile cook, by fome mad fancy bit, jVIy pretty cacklings kill'd, then ftuff'd with fage^ And their fweet forms exposed upon the fpit. The murd'refs next feizM on my tender mate ; Alas ! he was too fat to run or fly ,- Like his poor infants yielded unto fate, And with his giblets, Cook, (he made a pie. Pity the fcrrows of a poor old Goofe, Whofe feeble fteps have borne her to your door. Broke down with forrow, lame, and paft all ufe, O !. give me corn, and Heav'n will blefj? your flore. THE TEST OF FRIENDSHIP. WHEN cloth'd in power, and eaer hofts, With fmiles and greeting Jowly bend, Ah ! can the erring mortal boaft, Of all his flatterers, a Friend ? When bleft with wealth j amid the crew That crowd our feftive boards around.,. ODE. 197 Is he the man fi> cerely true In pure affection, always found ? No ! when degraded, feoff M, opprefs'd, The vi&im. of unfeeling fway ; When want and fickneis from our bread:, Have driven the cherub HOPE away- The very knave, who fwore he'd bleed Rather than view our bleflings fhorn ; The very wretch, we wont to feed, Will treat ourielves and woes with fcorn. 'Tis he alone, who ftill the fame In power, in litknefs, and in need, Aye, owns with joy the facred flame, He only is a friend indeed* ODE CANTABILE. THE night was calm the iky ferene, And darknefs veiPd the face of day, Tir'd nature clos'd her active fcene, And bound in fleep, her offspring lay. The midnight watch had juft been fpoke. Who guards the peaceful hours of night ? When from the roof burfts forth the fmoke, And horror Itrikes th' aitonifh'd fight. ALLEGRO. Now fee th* affrighted mother run, Her tender offspring yet to fave, While round the father clings the fon, Whofe piercing cries protection crave. The crackling flames, like lightning darts, From fide to fide deftruelive fly The frame gives way, the roof now parts, And all will foon in ruin lie. When from the crowd a youth afcends, Who dar'd the fcorching flame to brave, Fearlefs of death, he thus defends, And tries his fellow man to fave. R 2 198 LOVE. ADAGIO* Blcft Providence, whofe power we own To faye or perifh, though unknown, Thy rnyftick will, we muft obey. And thou fweet Chanty bellow, Thy bounteous gifts to heal the woe, And cheer the fuff'rers gloomy way. LOVE. LOVE ! thou facred, tender pafTion, Kind refiner of our youth, Fly the feats of pride and fafhion, Hafte to virtue, peace, and truth. Here thy watchful vigils keep, Never never from us flee, Softly let my Ellen fleep, Let her dream of love and nte, Let my breaft her pillow be, Let me tafte the fond delight ; Still, beneath the hawthorn tree, Let me watch her flumbers light. Let no thoughts approach alarming. Gentle love, the hours beguile ; Let me fee her eyes, fo charming, Open on me with a fmile. Let me fee her, with confufion, Hide her blufhes in my breaft ; When } prefs her to my bofom, Let me hear her figh fhe's bleft I Soft fenfations crowd upon me ; Never may my heart repine ; Why fhould care or forrow prefs me ? Since Ellcn ; lovely Ellen's mine. HINTS. FRIENDLY HINTS. AS you are beginning bufmefs in trade, I am induced by perfonal affetion and mod ardent willies for your welfare and profperi- ty, to offer you my advice. I well know that advice is feidom welcome: but to you I ten- der mine in confidence that it will be well received, inafmuch as fince the mournful period when it pleafed heaven to bereave you of your excellent father,. I have in a manner flood in that endearing relation toward you 5 and have hitherto received from you the con- ftant tokens of filial gratitude and love. In the firft place, deal fairly and hold faft to integrity. Let no temptation of gain on the one hand, nor any embarraflment on the other, ever lead you to ftep afide from the path of ftril honefty. For afide from the confideration of a folemn reckoning here- after, " honefty is the beft policy :" it is the fureft way to worldly thrift and profperity. But to honefty there muft be added a great degree of caution, left you become a dupe to the arts of the knavifh. Many a hopeful young man has been led by the confcious in- tegrity of his own heart to fuch an overween- ing confidence in mankind as rendered him a prey to cunning {harpers and fwindlers. Unite care with diligence. Care preferves what induftry gains : but the man who at- tends to his bufinefs diligently, but not care- fully, throws away with one hand what he gathers with the other. A man in bufinefs flxould, as much as goflible, make ufe of his 200 FRIENDLY HINTS. own eyes j at lead, he fhoulct have a conftant overfight of ail his concerns , for if he leave this chiefly to others, it is ten to one, that he will foon find his circumftances embar- rafll'd. Endeavour to poflefs at all times a critical knowledge of your real circumilances. For this purpofe, and indeed in every refptft, exaft order or method in bufmefs is highly neceffary Men who do bufmefs without method, acl: in the dark ; they plunge along at random, not knowing where they place their (leps. They quickly find themfelves bewildered and embarrafied \ and there are many chances againlt them for one in their favour. Prudently beware that your expenditure do not out-run your income. The ftyle of living ihould conform to one's perional cir- cumtlancts ; and fuch expenditures as can be well afforded by a man of fortune, might be inevitably deftru&ive to him who has his fortune yet to make. " Money," fays the old proverb, u makes money. When you have got a little and carefully faved it, it is often eafy to get more. The great difficulty with the beginner, is to get that little." But if frugality does not (lore up what induitry acquires, there can be no increafe of capital. Take heed of over-trading. If you ad- venture beyond your depth, if depending up- on a fiditious capital, you extend your bun- nds very far beyond your capital, the hazard of bankruptcy will be great. Indeed in this FRIENDLY HINTS. 2O I cafe you would hazard not only your own property, but that of -your creditors ; which is hardly reconcilable with honed principles. " When the profits of trade happen to be greater than ordinary, over-trading becomes a general error, both among great and fmall dealers ;" and a fudden fhift in the date of commerce, (fuch as frequently happens) pro- duces general diftrefs. Reckon nothing your own that you owe for : it is a depofit placed in your hands by your creditors ; which it would be fraudulent for you to ufe in fuch a manner as to endan- ger their intereft. Debts are facred ; and every honed man will ufe his endeavour to difcharge his lonafide debt with punctuality and honour. Be ever cautious of running deeply into debt. Flattering profpecls of great gain in this way fome times occur, but they often prove delufive, and leave the too rafh ad- venturer under an infupportable load. Beware of entangling yourfelf by impru* dent furetyihips. There are divers caveats in the facred volume againd this kind of adventure ; and its fatal confequences have been often wkneiTed in our own times, and in almod all parts of this country. Efpeci- ally beware of dealing too largely in accom- modation paper \ for as in fuch a cafe, you mud borrow the names of others as endorf- ers, you will frequently find yourfelf un- der the neceflity of lending your own name In return, further than prudence would diUte. 202 HISTORY OF SNUFF. And as a large number become linked to- gether in this way, the failure of a few of them (hocks the whole. Persuaded chat you will take thefe friendly hincs in good part, and give them their due weight in your mind and practice, I only add the fincere expretfion of my ardent willies that your honeit and laudable effort^ may be crowned with the divine bleiiing. Hints to authors in general, but efpecially to thofe whofe (lock of ideas will enable them to fill a pamphlet only (hewing the proper method of book-making, let the iub- jecl be ever fo barren in itfclf. Propofal for a Hijlory of Snuff* from the earlieft period down to the prefent time in 12 vo/s. fol. with a copious index. Vol. i. Word Snuff whence derived. General hiftory of Snuff by whom firft manufactured. Sir Walter Raleigh firtl brought tobacco into England. Hiltory of Sir Walter's family from the time of William the Conqueror, proving indifputably, that the name ought to be written and pro- nounced Raivleighe. Vol. 2- The life of Walter, with a copy of his commiilion from Qjieen Elizabeth for making difcoveries in North America with a defence of the CXueen from the many ////- founded afperfions call on her character, con- cerning her intimacy with Sir Walter the HISTORY OF SNUFF. earls of Leicefter and EfFex, &c. Tobacco a native plant of Virginia Hiitory of Virgi- nia and Maryland down to the prefent time. Vol. 3. General Arnold burnt large quan- tities of tobacco lad war C'aufe of the A- merican war Hiftory of the ftamp-a6r ? with an eftimate of the number of pinches of fnufF taken previoufly to its paffing both houfes of parliament. Vol. 4. Hiftory of the American war Large quantities of fnufF taken by the quid- nuncs of London during that time, and prov- ing clearly that the government of England was brought to a pinch. Vol. 5. Account of the principal fnufF- (hops in and about London fince the great fire Anno Domini 1666 Confequenccs of that fireTable the id, {hewing the quan- tity and value of fnufF and tobacco deftroyed. Table the 2d, the number of pipes and fnufF- boxes broken, and otherwife deftroyed, with a very particular account of two fteel boxes in perfect prefervation, and three pipes burnt eut remarkably well during the conflagration, and taken from the ruins after the fire. Vol 6. Biographical accounts of the prin- cipal fnufF-takers and fmokers from the firft: introduction of tobacco into England Name of the firft perfon in England who carried a fnufF-box Hints for raifing a fuiFicient fum to erecl a monument to him in Weftminfter Abbey, in the fhape of a tobacco-hogfhead. Vol. 7. A difFertation on y;7^z///g, prov- ing fully to any reafonable man that the 204 HISTORY OF SNUFF. faculty axe entirely unacquainted with its caufes ; together with a criticifm on the term " fnuffing," in confequence of its being fome- times applied to the a6Uon of candles. When tallow-candles firft came into ufe. The ancients generally ufed oil. Large quantities of tallow imported from South America Hiftory of Mexico and Peru, with an account of its fubjugation by Cortez with a critical difiertation on the materials of which the fire was made which was con- ftantly kept burning in the temple of the fun. Vol. 8. The names of the different kinde of fnuff now in ufe, wherein their compara- tive merits are ably and fully difcufled Macaboy fnuff made from tobacco growing only in a very fmall diftrit in the ifland of Martinique. Vol. 9. Hiftory of Martinique from its firft difcovery down to the prefent time Quantity of fnuff confumed in that ifland the ladies remarkably fond of fnuff. Vol. IP. Tobacco generally made by flaves a diflertation on flavery with a hif- tory of the Have trade. Vol. u. Mr. Wilberforce's fpeeches in the Bririfli parliament refpe&ing the aboli- tion of the flave-trade. Biographical account of Mr. Wilberforce. Vol. 12. Snuff-taking rather on the de- cline, caufes of it deduced the late excife- law fuppofed to be one, &c. A copious appendix in four large folio lo- HISTORY OF SNUFF. lumes, containing a brief account of fnuff- takers and fnuff in the United States of Ame- rica an attempt to prove that it would be more to the advantage of the United States to import than manufacture their own fnuff, inafmuch as the inconvenience refulting from having the tobacco on the fpot, deters num- bers from purchafing, and determines many- others to import for their own ufe together with the different authorities made ufe of in the book, with an index, &c. &c. &c. One fmall volume of plates confiding of about 1500, containing views of the princi- pal tobacco and fnuff manufa&ories, fnuff- ihops, &c. &c. with ample references. As a fpecimen of the authorities alluded to in the Appendix, take the following : SYRRE WALLTERRE RAWLEIGHE, whoe waffe a greate favourkte offe the Q^eene's highneffe, ande a manne offe fafhionne affe welle affe a phylloffophere, introducedde the imoakynge offe Tobaccoe intoe Englande. Inne a fhorte tyme the practyfe became quit the tonne ; nay, the Qu_eenes Majeftye her- felffe, grewe fonde offe itte, ande woulde of- tenne indulge herfelfe, wythe a focyalle Pype withe herre maides offe honoure, ande fomme offe the more favourede gentlemene offe the courte. Inne one offe thofe fmoakynge partyes, her Highneffe havynge much ^.gytatedde the na- ture ofle theire prefente enjoymente, atte broke uppe ths commpanie, verie 8 THE GRAVE. facettyouflye and wittyllie remarkynge, That " alle the pleaflure ofFe the evennynge afle did the pleasures ofFe thiffe tranfitorie ande un- certaine worlde, hadde endedde in fmoake !" AfTe thifle notable ande pleafaunte obfer- vacyonne wafle utteredde bye herre High- nefle with herre accuftomydde gravittyc ofFe countenaunce, the courtlie Barronnes ande noble ladyes prefente didde notte welle knowe whetherre they were toe looke grave orre feryoufe, toe laughc orre toe crye ,- ande foe, eche ofFe themme puttynge a fore fin- gerre upponne theire lyppes, theye didde inne concerte fneeze, ande inne a lowe voice cryed " te he /" THE GRAVE. There is a calm for thofe who weep A reft for weary pilgrims found ; They foftly lie, and fwectly fleep, Low in the ground. The ftorm that wrecks the winter Iky. No more diiturbs their deep repofe Than fummer evening's lateft figh That (huts the rofe. 1 long to lay this painful head, And aching heart beneath the foil, To Dumber in that dreamlefs bed From all my toil. For Mifery ftole me at my birth, And caft me helplefs on the wild j I perifh O my mother Earth ! Take home thy child* On thy dear lap thefe limbs reclin'dj Shall gently moulder into thee : THE GRAVE. 207 Nor leave one wretched trace behind, llefembling me. Hark ! a ftrange voice affrights mine car ; My pulfe my brain runs wild I rave ; Ah ! who art thou whofe voice I hear ? " I am the GRAVE ! The GRAVE, that never fpake before, Hath found at laft a tongue to chide ; X) lilten ! I will fpeak no more ; Be filent, Pride ! *' Art thou a wretch of hope forlorn, The victim of corfuming care ? Is thy diftracled confcience torn By fell defpair ? '* Do foul mifdeeds of former times Wring with remorfe thy guilty breaft ? And Ghofts of unforgiven crimes Murder thy reft ? " Laih'd by the furies of the mind, From wrath and vengeance would'ft thou fiee^ Ah \ think not, hope not, Fool ! to find A friend in me. ic By all the terrors of the tomb, Beyond the powers of tongue to tell ! By the dread fecrets of my womb ! By Death and Hell ! <* I charge thee live ! Repent and pray ; In duft thy infamy deplore ; There yet is mercy ! Go thy way, And fin no more. " Art thou a Mourner ? Haft thou known The joy of innocent delights ? Endearing days forever flown And tranquil nights. J 2Cr8 TPftE CRAVE. 66 O live! and deeply cherifh fill! The fwcet remembrance of the paft : Rely on Heaven's unchanging will For peace at laft. " Art thou a Wanderer ? Haft thou feen O'erwhelming tempefts drown thy bark ? A fhipwreck'd fufferer haft thou been, Misfortune's mark ? " Though long of winds and waves the fport, Condemned in wretchednefs to roam, ** LIVE ! thou (halt reach a flickering port, A quiet home. " To Friendfhip didft thou truft thy fame? And tvas thy friend a deadly foe, Who Hole into thy breaft to aim A furer blow. ft LIVE ! and repine not o'er his lofs, A lofs unworthy to be told ; Thou halt xniftaken fordid drofs For friend (hip's gold. " Go, feek that treafure, feldom found, Of power the fierceft griefs to calm, And footh the bofom's deepeft wound With heavenly balm.. <( In Woffian Haft thou placM thy blifs,- And did the Fair One faith It- fs prove ? Hath fhe betrayed thee with a kiss, And fold thy love ? CJ LIVE ! 'twas a falfe bewildering nre ; Too often love's infidious dart Thrills the fond foul with fweet defire, But kills the heart. f( A nobler flame fhall warm thy breaf>> A brighter maiden's virtuous charms ! Bleft (halt thou be, fupremely bleft, In beauty's arms. BOTANICAL GARDEN. 209: Whate'er thy lot whoe'er thou be j Confefs thy folly, kits the rod, And in thy chaiteriing forrows iee The hand of God. lt A bruifed reed he will not break ; Afflictions all his children feel ; He wounds them for his mercy's fake, He wounds to heal. " Humbled beneath his mighty hand, Proftrate, his Providence adore : *Tis done ! Arife! he bids thee ftand r To fall no more. " Now, Traveller in the vale of tears, To realms of everlafting light, Through time's dark wilderneis of yearsj Purfue thy flight. <c There is a calm for thofe who weep, A reft for weary Pilgrims found : And while the mouldering afhes fleep, Low in the ground, ** The Soul, of origin divine, GOD'S glorious image fresd from clay,. In heaven's eternal fphere fhall fhine, A flar of day ! fef The SUN is but a fpark of fire, A tranfient meteor in the Iky, The SOUL, immortal as Its fire, Shall never die \" BOTANICAL GARDEN. IT ver, et Venus, et Veneris pnemincius ante,. -Pennatus graditur Zephyrus veftigia propter y Flora quibus mater prsefpergens ante vise Cuneta 3 coloribus cgregis et odoribus opplet*. 210 BOTANICAL GARDEN, A fpacious plain extends its upland fcene, Hocks rife on rooks, and fountains gufh between; Soft Zephyrs blow, eternal fummers reign : And fhowers prolific, blefs the foil in vain. DARWIN. From different climes, from various region* brought, All that can charm the eye, or fix the thought ; From cleanfmg HyfTop, (till the theme we greet, Till all Libanus he beneath our feet. MY OWN !!!! I wss mod aftonimingly gratified, and wonderfully pleated, to fee fome hints on the fubjeft of a Botanical Garden from the immenfe advantages which would attend fuch an inilitution, I am really at a lofs to di- vine, why the thing has only been fpoken of and why it has not been written upon, read, and put in practice long fince. There are but two objections, which pre- fent themfelves at this time to my view the firft is, that from the increafed, and increaf- ing population of this flourishing city ; the land in the vicinity cannot be purchafed, but for a price far exceeding what fome people might think its real worth : and the fecond is, that if we fhould befo fortunate as to fuc- ceed in making the ourchafe, the foil I mean of afufficient quantity very near the city, is of fuch a quality 4 , as not to afford even variety enough, to anfwer every purpofe of the in- flitution. To the firft I would anfwer, that although fome one of the community might make a profitable^ of it, yet every one knows that public advantage is fa conne&ed with pri~ BOTANICAL CARDEN. 2If vate. intereft, that we fee them walking hand in hand through the ftreets, lanes, alleys, and over the bridges of this city every day ; and no one will doubt, that public advantage will always increafe private emolument : and it mufl alfo be confidered by every perfon, that even under the fuppofition that fame patriotic individual (hould be entitled by means of this fcheme being carried into effect, to receive from the generofity of the diredor sthat are to be, 150, or 200 per cent, more than his lands are worth it will very probably con-< vince that very man of the falutary effects re- fulting from fuch an inftitution, and of courfe he might be induced to fubfcribe for 40 or 50 (hares when, if the tranfaHon had not taken place he would not perhaps have ad- vanced a fingle dollar to tranfplant all the exotics in the four quarters of the globe to our foil, even if he knew that they might with time and care become naturalized to it. To the fecond objection I mull anfwer, that it is by no means apochryphal, but a well attefted fad, that the Maltefe and for ought we know many other nations, are fo ex- tremely choice in the culture of fome of the fruits of that ifland, as to import earth from Sicily -, their own foil not being fufficientiy ftrong for every purpofe of horticulture :^ Now I am very well convinced, that we might not import earth from Sicily only, but from every part of the known world, except Paleftine, where I am told it is rather fcarce but eyeu there, when we come to out 212 BOTANICAL GARDEN. rock-plants, we might receive very confider- able benefit by importing huge mattes of fo- lid rock, much larger than can poflibly be met with in this country to give an inftance or two for that particular place in the gar- den fet apart for the culture of tea, a Thip might be fitted out at a trifling cxpence to take in a load of earth for the exprefs pur- pofe to Botany-Bay it would anfwer a dou- ble purpofe , for according to Sir Jofeph Banks, the garden might be half filled not with earth only, but with plants of every kind which are not come-atable in this country, and which arc of courfc highly valued by che vir- tuofi. The charge consequently attendant on thefe imports, might be confid^red as enor- mous by fome plodding, calculating, mifer- ly perfons, but when we view the aftonifhing utility of the thing) fruh a paltry objecti- on will immediately vanifh. There is another objection, which how- ever did not flrike me when I firft began to write this plan, viz. that although we may fpend our money in importing earth and rocks, yet it will be iinpcflible to import climate from the frozen or torrid zone, d y weather from Peru, a whole rainy feafon from the Weft-Indies, or an inundation from the Nile or Mifliffippi. Luckily, however, this objection, which appears to be irreme- diable, may in a great meafure be fo difpof- ed of as to be reduced to a mere nothing, in eomparifon, to what it was at firft fight. Now be it known to ail thofe who have been BOTANICAL GARDEN. 213 io unfortunate as not to have read the life and magnificent works of the great CATHA- RINE of; Ruffia of blejjed memory, that fhe had, and perhaps the prefent Emperor now has, a garden wherein all the produ&ions of the globe have been tranfplanted with the nioft aflonifhing fuccefs This garden is planted over a vaft number of arches, in the interior of which are furnaces, properly ar- ranged, the heat of them being continually re- gulated by thermometers in fuchajuft propor- tion, that the fame degree of heat is conveyed to each plant that it would have received had it remained in its native foil : her not being acquainted with Swift's works, immediately accounts for the inconvenience attending the want of funfhine, a fufficient quantity of which, one of his projectors confidently affirms, may very eafily be extra&ed from cucumbers !!! But I am ftill more aftonifhed, that al- though many have given their ideas as far as refpedts the utility of fuch an inftuution, yet not one of them all has given a plan, or even a profpe6lus of one ; and as this leaves an immenfe vacuum in the minds of many, who would perhaps, after reading this fcheme, cheerfully fubfcribe, I beg leave humbly to propofe the following outlines of a plan, 'ivhich, if carried into effeft, although it will be attended with fome little trouble and ex- penfe, yet the pleafure it will give every true Darwinian foul, Mall be at leafi commenfu- rate, and not only comport with the dignity 214 BOTANICAL GARDEN. of our city, but alfo add confiderably to the beauty of its fuburbs. It will be nee-; flary in the firft place, eve- ry body knows, to n.ife the funds; there- fore, to give all perfons the opportunity of coming forward on fo noble an occafion, let the capital (lock, which mud at lead be ten millions of dollars, be divided into one mil- lion of (hares at ten dollars each, thefe, I am certain, will be very foon fubfcribed for, and then begin the garden on the FOLLYINQ plan, which is as near to one I have read in fome Furrpean publication as circumftances trill admit : Plan of a Botanical Garden. Let the ground plot be fufficiently large* fay at firft 5000 acres, to embrace every object which may be either ufcful or elegant, always taking care to blend the Ucile with the Dulci, in fuch an agreeable manner as- not to pall the imagination of the big and ///- tie M afters and Miffes who may come to walk therein, either for profit or delight. The fir (I grand divifion will be called the liortus Linnceencis, which mud be fubdivided into three parts 1. Herbarum herbs. 2. Fruticetum ihrubs. 3. Arboretum trees. This will take in all herbs, ihrubs and trees a beginning with the firft clafs, and proceed-* ing regularly down to the lait clafs of Cryp-r togamia. BOTANICAL GARDEN, The fecond grand divifion will be the Pec- cadarium, to be fubdivided, with the greateft care, as follows : 1. Hortus Ovinus, or Sheep Garden. 2. Hortus Bovinus -Horned-cattle Gar- den. 3. Hortus Eqitinus Horfe Garden. 4. Hortus Hircinus- Goat Garden. 5. Hortus Suinus - -Swine Garden. In this divifion the fvumi/h multitude will be allowed to walk as much as they pleafe, but by no means to attempt the taking any of the pigs away. By way of variety, the third grand divi- fion may be laid off for the culture of the plants denominated faxatile, or plants grow- ing on rocks, huge mafles of which may be piled Jlratum fuper Jlrata in one vaft regular confufion !!! Here will be delightful recre- ation for the romantic love-fick marden, as well as for the amorous, but neglected fwain 5 here they may (land on the frowning brow of fome awful precipice, think of their ab- fent loves or lovers, and in an agony of de- fpair, precipitate themfclves to the bottom ! and for their further accommodation, a flream of pure water, gufhing from the fide of a magnificent rock, fhall wind its finu- otic courfc, until it meets with fome refer- voir, iufficiently capacious for all the pur- poles of fubmerjion* The fourth grand divifion, to include the HORTUS siccus or fpecimens of plants which are to be kept in an apartment of the 2l6 BOTANICAL GARDEN. green-houfe, under the particular care of the chief manager, who ought not only to have a thorough knowledge' of botany, but alfo, fomething of phyftc and chemi/try : in this divifion will alfo be, the FLORA AMERICANA : Where flowers from every part of Ameri- ca, will rear their gaudy heads ; or more humbly creep along the ravi/bed earth, per- fuming the aftonifhed atmofphere, fo as en- tirely to overpower the noifome exhalations, proceeding from the putrid fubftances, un- avoidably colle&ed in a large city. The fifth grand divifion to be called the Efcarium plants which furnifti food to man. j Roots, as potatoes, beets, carrots, parf- uips, &c. 2 Stocks or leaves as cabbage, fpinache, &c. 3 Flowers. 4 Seeds as peas, beans, &c. With -dire t ions for thofe who may honour this part of the garden with a vifit, (hewing the relative quantity of nutriment contained in each kind ; and the probable confequences which may refult to the human body, from the ufe of them in their different ftages, from their firft putting forth until ripe. To conclude with that grand defideratum, the HORTUS MEDICINALIS; the plants of which, as it may lay me open to the criticifm of the gentlemen of the faculty, I forbear to mention. HONEST COBtERS. Now, in laying this grand plan before the public, I do moil folemnly aver, that I do not own one inch of ground within fifty- miles of this city, nor indeed but let this be a fecret between ourfelves, any where elfe. So every perfon muft fee, that my motives are entirely difinterefted $ and moreover, I am fo exceeding rnodeft, as to declare, that if a better plan were to offer, I would immedi- ately withdraw mine. P. S. As I have entirely forgotten a Vine- \ard, you may take the liberty \& flick one be- tween any of the grand divifions, as by the projected plan, we fhall have land enough. P. S. Again. As a fupplement to this garden, a piece of land in Louifiana, of a- bout 100 miles fquare, and removed at a fufficient diftance from any inhabited part, might be purchafed from government, for the purpofe of tranfplanting the bohun upas, or poifon tree from Java / this would be a motiftrous addition, and perhaps of what no garden in the world would have to boaft. FEW HONEST COBLERS. Why Ihould our {hoes fo foon grow old ? And why the hide with which they're fol'd Be worn and out of date ? Crifpin ! 'tis ftrange the thread that fews Millions of coats, Ihould leave our fhoes Infuch a ragged itate! In vain I fought the fecret caufe, Look'd in the leather for the flaws, The tanner curs'd in vain ; T 21 8 FEW HONEST COBLERC. Stept into fhops where (hoes were made, Saw artifts hourly ply the trade, But* none would this explain. Then t'ward the weft and crofs the ftreet f Where folks at tall St. Michael's meet, rhurried, vex'd in mind ; 'Till on the bank of Afhley's flood, On foil of marfh I fighing flood, For tanning ufe defign'd. !Not far from thence a Cooler's fon Stood by his hides, and thus begun, With afpea dull and fad ; Thrice he came o'er the lazy ftream, r The faults of fhoes was all his theme* For many a fault they had* He faid, the fpacious ample hide That doth for all our boots provide No thinking man could blame ; Since fhapM into fo many foles, Some would have flaws, and fome have hole** To blaft the Cobler's fame. The artift wife who fhap'd the (hoe, One hide from every creature drew, And fcrap'd that hide with care : This is an honeft fkin, he faid, Then he refolv'd to try his trade, And make a handfome pair. Scon as the hide had left the vat, And hung aloft, a hungry rat E Attacked it teeth and claws : Ah ! cruel chance and rugged fate ; He gnawM it early, gnaw'd it late- Starvation has no laws. Happy the man who finds a fhoe That's to his expectation true-- One real good below : TEARS OF SCIEHCE. But oh ! the crown of wretched wights, That travel barefoot thefe dark nights, And wound the bleeding toe. Thus fnug the Cobler's hopeful fon : 1 found, at length, his fong was done, And thought his reafoning true t Sure, then, cried I, ere I agree * For thofe curs'd fhoes you mean for me'j I will go barefoot too. Some happier Crifpin tell me where, What other fhop affords a pair, Where better work is found ; Swift as on Quixote's fteed of old, , I'll fly to get my boots new fol'd, And wear them tight and found* THE TEARS OF SCIENCE. AT the feat of inftru&ion, where once (he was blefs'd', Fair fcience fat mourning with fadnefs opprefs'd ; Her maps and her volumes lay fcatter'd around, Her globes, all in fragments, were ftrewM on the ground ; There lay in rude tatters, the relics of fenfe, The waltfr and deftru&ion of genius immenfe ! She figh'd, fhook her head, and with anguifn began " Alas ! for the boy that believes he's a man, When his ftature grows tall, and his fingers begin, To ftroke the foft down that comes over his chin, When he talks of alFemblies, aflame s the fine air, Falls in love, as be calls it, and dreams of the fair. This fchool, and thofe ftudents, I claim'd for my own j Here my precepts were utter'd my maxims made known ; I difplayM the fair honours foi wifdom defign'd, And the lading content fhe bellows on the mind ; I opcn'd my treafures-- -around me they came, U20 DOCTOR IROS'K And roufed their ambition for glory and fame. They heard me with rapture I faw in their eyes vair hope, emulation, and genius arife. I hail'd the glad ornen My children, I cried, !,et no pleafmg objects your bofoms divide, ? TilI crown'd with fair virtue, with learning refin'd, 1 reftore you a blefFing and joy to mankind. Oh fond expectation ! I faw with defpair, How oft they forfook me to wait on the fair ; While I talk'd of the planets that roll through the Their minds were on dimples and beautiful eyes ! I bid down pofiriuns, and ftrove to explain, They thought of E****, L*****, and J***. I law a fine youth, as apart he retired, He feern'd with the ardour of fciencc infpirM ; His looks and his pen were difpos'd in'due place, And deep lines of thinking were mark'd in his face* .Sweet hope in my brcaft was beginning to fwell, And I lov*d the dear lad that could ftudy fo well ^ ]Vor fiiall my afliftance be wanting, I cried : I'll crown thy exertions and fprang to his fide. Alas ! an acroftk T*1 the verfes were plann'd, The name was written, the letters were fcann'd ; The initials arranged, to promote th.e defign, And his genius was working to get the firft line. I fhut up my Euclid I bkifti'd for myfclf, I laid Blair and Murray again on the fhelf ; Difappointed, afhamed, overcome with regret, I utter'd a wifh I fhall never forget : 44 That the fair maidens, my counfels would prize, ftitm every lad 'till he's learned and wife." JACK FROST, THE DOCTOR. When an Almighty fov'reign God, Sent forth of late his chaining rod ; When Philadelphia and York City, In deep diftrefs, excited pity ; When black dcfpair and fcrrows keen, Almoft in every face were feen, Wben every aid from man proy'd vair. A CHANGE. 221 And hundreds by difeafe were (lain ; When thoufands forced were to roam, In forrow from their native home, And many looked on all as loft ; Then came the much lov'd DOCTOR FROST, As meflenger from heaven fent, To eafe the heart with forrow rent. This famous Doctor from the Pole> He heals the body, cheers the foul. His magick power indeed is fuch, He rures his patients with a touch. Some Doctors, as moft people tell, Make patients fick, to get them well ; He ne'er was known to give emetick, Or to adminifter cathartick. This wond'rous Doctor of great Ikill; Makes ufe of neither bark nor pill ; And yet you'll think it ftrange to fay, He cures his thoufands in a day. At his approach, by all 'tis faid, Pale ficknels quickly hides its head ; And blooming health once more is feen> With rofy cheek and brow ferene. r Tis true, for I will not difTemble, He fometimes makes his patients tremble ; But whilft they tremble they rejoice, And hail him welcome with one voice. Unlike the Doctors of our day, When cure's perform'd they'll have their pay ; But he'll not take a fmgle fhilling ; For ail he afks, is to be willing, To render thanks to God above, For all his mercies, all his love. A CHARGE Delivered to the young gentlemen of the Philadel- phia Academy. Doctrina fed vim promovet infitam, Reclique cultus pectora roborant THE importance of the connexion which T a 222 A CHARGE. hath fo long fubfifted between us, and a con- fcioufnefs of the high refpontibility of the chara&er in which I have adted, coinciding with my own inclination, forbid me to difrnife you from this feminary without bidding you an affectionate farewell. For your diligence and application, your conformity to my ad- vice, your ready fubmiffion to the difcipline of the infiitution, and the uniform urbanity of your manners, I thus publicly offer you my fmcere thanks. This day, my young friends, forms an im- portant sera in your lives , you this day ftep forward upon the theatre of human life, with a (lamp of character, and an atteftation of merit, which cannot fail to make the mod fa- vourable impreflion upon the public mind, and to afford a very high degree of gratifica- tion to yourfelves, your parents, and your friends. Though you have as yet acquired the rudi- ments of a complete Englifh education only, andtheexpanfionof thofe principlesintomatu- rity, will depend upon your future application and exertion, many of you will here finifh your fcholaftic ftudies, and chiefly direct your attention to the bufmefs of the counting- houfe, and a preparation to engage in that profeilion, which, as a commercial nation o- pens the mod extenfive field for ufefulnefs and emolument -, and of courfe attracts the no- tic^- of, and employs in its purfuits a, majority of our youth. Thofe of you who are intend- ed for what are called the learned profeffigns; A CHARGE. and are now about to enter upon a courfe of collegiate (ladies, will find in that ufeful knowledge which you have already obtained, a folid foundation laid, whereon to erel the mod fplendid fuperiiru6ture of clafllcal and polite literature. The proficiency which you have made and of which you have juft given fuch ample and fatisfatory proofs, in thofe eflential branches of a ufeful education, Reading, Writing, A- rithmetic, Grammar, Competition, Natural Hiftory, Geography, and Logic, to which fome of you have added Book-keeping and the elements of the Mathematics, qualify you to enter with confidence upon the ftudy of any profeflion, or to purfue with fuccefs any path of fcience, which does not necefTarily involve a knowledge of the dead languages j thofe 3 however, from the habits of ftudy to which you have been accuftomed, will be more ra- pidly and eafily acquired than they could pof- fibly be without fuch previous habits. So that at all events I am confident the time which you have fpent in this feminary, has been diligently and profitably employed: and I truft that whatever may be your future occupations, you will always refie6l, with fatisfaftion and with pleafure, upon that portion of your lives which you have pafled under my tuition and guidance. Go then, and by yourconduft, animate the hopes, increafe the efteem, and confirm the flattering expectations which you have infpir- ed* Remember that your future ufefulnefs 224 A CHARGE. and refpeftability in fociety, will depend up- on the characters which you now form, and the acquifitions of knowledge which you now obtain. Having fecured the firft principles of a correct education, your faculties will now be called upon to take a wider range in the fields of fcience ; and you will henceforth gradually begin to mix with fociety and to bre initiated into the manners and cuttoms of the world. Believe me the prefent period of your terreftrial exiftence is an highly important one indeed ; perhaps the moil ib of any you will be called upon to experience, as the formati- on of your characters, your future fafety, comfort and happmefs, on this probationary theatre of human life, in this " frail fever- ifh ftate of being," and alfo your condition of happinefs or mifery, of reward or punifh- ment in that ftate of retribution, the world of fpirits, to which we are all rapidly haflening, will in a great meafure depend upon the firft impreflions which are made upon your yet un- formed, unvitiated minds, the reception which you give to the various felicitations with which you will on all fides be powerfully af- failed, and the compliance or inflexibility of thofe principles of aclion which you have been taught to adopt as your fafeft and furdt guides, through the dangerous pilgrimage of mortality. " Lifes Theatre" to you has hi- therto " been fhut." Like the firft parents f the human race in Eden, you have hither- to enjoyed a fete of innocence and undiftur- bed repofe but like theirs, your fcene of sc- A CHARGE, tion mud now be changed. " The world is all before you where to chufe your place of reft." As inexperienced and unfkilful navi- gators launched into an immenfe and danger- ous ocean, you will henceforth be expofed to rocks and fhoals, to treacherous calms, and terrifying tempeds. The foft and aromatic gales of profperity and of pleafure, will fome- times drive to waft you into the alluring, yet deceitful harbours of fenfuality and of vice, while the gay and airy phantoms of felicity which glide along the fhore, will endeavour to enchant you with Syren fon^s of promifed joy, and point to rofeate bowers and calm re- treats, of which they will folicit your accept- ance and court your enjoyment. Sweetly they will (ing of happinefs and pleafure, and drive to induce you to " bid the lovely fcenes at diftance hail ;" but beware of their fafci- nating delufive charms , the phantoms, falfe differnblers \ are fiends of dedrudtion in the guife of angels, and the bowers and inviting retreats, to which they point, are the pits of perdition, and the caves of death. If you happily purfue an undeviating courfe, and refolutely avoid this Scyl/a of prof- perity and of pleafure, you will ere long pro- bably be expofed to danger equally imminent from the boiderous Charybdis of adverfity, where the whirlpools of difappointment, the dorms of calamity, and the guds of pafTion will threaten to " make fhipwreck of your faith/' to dafh you upon the rocks of didrac- 226 A CHARGE. tion and infidelity, or ingulph you in the vor- tex of defpair. To conduct you with fafety through this hazardous voyage acrofs the ocean of human life, the wife and benevolent author of its appointment, hath mercifully granted three infallible guides, whofe falutary and uner- ring counfels, if diligently attended to, and carefully complied with, will allured! y lead you into u the haven where you would be, the promifed land of reft, the heavenly Ca- naan," " where there is the fulnefs of joy, and perfection of felicity for ever more/' Thefe three friendly monitors are confdence, reafon and religion. By thej?y? we are warned' of approaching danger, or convicted of error in our courfe 5 by thefecond we are directed into a f'afe and unruffled channel ; and by the third we are encouraged to fteady perfeverance, by the mod animating promifes of reward, and de- terred from a relaxation of our vigilance, by the mod alarming denunciations of mifery and woe. But, to purfuethe metaphor no further, and to addrefs you in that plain utiimpafiioned ftyie. which is perhaps better adapted to your pre- fent fituation, and my own earned folicitude for your future welfare : I (hall comprize what I have yet to offer, as briefly as poffible, in a few plain falutary cautions againft error > and 1 admonitory precepts for the government of your future life. id. Avoid Indolence* Remember that idle- A CHARGE. 227 nefs is the parent of ignorance and vice. Time is a talent committed to us for improve- ment ; our profperity, our refpedability, and ufefulnefs, depending upon the proper em- 'ptoymenr, the negleft or abufe of it. If the energies of the human mind be not called forth into aftion, and that at an early period of life, and thofe energies ftimulated and ftrengthened by the powerful influence of ha- bit, they will foon droop and become enfee- bled by nglet ; or, hurried into the fervice of the paffions, inftead of being guided by the didates of reafon, they will inevitably lead their pofltflbr into the abfurd eccentricities of folly, or the difgraceful and deftru&ive delu- fions of depravity and of vice. Beware therefore of fufFering a day, or even an hour, to roll over your heads, uncul- tivated, unregarded By unvaried attention and diligent exertion, we become acquainted with the noble powers of our nature, and by -the vigorous exercife of thofe powers, we ar- rive at the higheft poffihle degree of dignity and happinefs which our nature is capable of experiencing. adly Avoid Bad Company. " Evil com- munications corrupt good manners." Man is an imitative animal, and when the powerful inflence of example coincides with the im- pulfe of paflion, it requires great firmnefs of mind, indeed, to withstand their united feli- citations. Cautioufly, therefore, avoid that vortex of temptation which is formed by af- fociating with vicious or irregular characters. 22$ A CHARGE. And as you would preferve the purity oi your morals by avoiding vicious company, be equal- ly fedulous to guard your manners by avoid- ing low company $ corruption of mind, vul- garity of converfation, and a difgufting awk- ardnefs of deportment, are the infeparable confequences of fuch an intercourfe. 3dly. Avoid DiJ/ipatiori) er an exceffive at- tachment to Pleafure and Amufement. Relaxa- tion of mind is as neceflary to preferve its ftrength and reftore its activity, as repofe is for the body after corporal exertions ; but a- mufement (hould only be indulged as a me- dicinal relief to the mind j not confidered as the principal, or indeed a leading object of puriuit. By a temperate enjoyment of plea* fure the energies of the human mind are quickened, and its original tone reflored ; but by unreftrained indulgence, they are foon enfeebled and deftroyed. Idlenefs and plea- fure are two mod infidious and fatal enemies to mental improvement and true dignity of character : they invariably induce fuch a de- gree of frivolity and irifipidity, as will ever render their votaries the fcorn and contempt of the wile, the virtuous, and the good. To thefe cautionary dictates againft error, I muft add a few precepts of advice, by a compliance with which, you will not com- mand rtfpect and efteem only, but enjoy the conftant delight of an approving confcience, the foothing reflections of a cultivated mind, and the fatisfactory confcioufnefs of render- ing yourfelves ufeful and ornamental to fociety- A CHARGE. I ft. Be ambitious of excelling. The pafTi- ons, if under the guidance of reafon and re- ligion, they be dire6ted into proper channels, are calculated to promote happinefs and prof- perity. Were, for inflance, the paflions of pride and ambition, which, when intemperately and injudicioufly indulged-, have caufed fucU mifery and havock in tbe world, always di- redled to the putfuit of laudable and virtu- ous objefts, how different would be their effects ! Inftead of agitating the bofom with plans for the de(lrulion and degradation of our fellow creatures, that we may rife con- fpicuoufly on the ruin of their fortune or their fame, thofe paffions would teach us to promote as much as poffible their intereft and honour, and to command the powerful influence of example, by endeavouring to outvie them in noble fentiments and in gene- ous and ufeful adikms.-* Be it your part then, to employ the infant energies of thofe prin- ciples in driving to obtain fuperiority iu thofe purfuits which are accommodated to your time of life, and the views which may be taken of your future employment and ellabliftiment in fociety, viz. in the acqui- fition of ufeful knowledge, in the cultivation of benevolent aflecTtions, in the exercife of a refpettful, fubmiifive deportment to your fuperiors and elders, hi kindnefs and gentle- refs to your inferiors, and in a general ex- preffion of urbanity and good nature towards all. U A CHARGE. 2cily. As the operation of the paffions, if judicioufly directed, tends to promote our happinefs and honour, fo, if fuftered to have an unreflrained fway, they will inevitably hurry the vidlim of their authority into the mod extravagant and fatal cxceiTes. Juftly are they ilyled by a celebrated poet " The ty- rants of the human bread," and certainly no period of life is more favourable to the ob- taining of viclory over them than yours ; be- caufe at no period of your lives will their exertions be lefs powerful. Vigilantly there- fore guard againll the indulgence of anger, revenge, malice, and all thofe paffions and propenfities which endeavour to dethrone reafon, and are in dire ft oppofition to the precepts of religion. 4 Reafon in man obfcur'd, or not obeyM ; * Immediately inordinate defiies 4 And upftart paffions catch the government 4 From Reafon, and to fervitude reduce 8 Man till then free." gdly. Affociate as much as pofftble with your fitperiorS) and with thofe who are further advanced in age than yourfelves, and are diilinguimed for their talents and virtuous accomplifhments ; from whofe experience and knowledge you may derive ufeful initruc- tions, and from whole language and deport- ment you will infenfibly acquire a polifli and refinement of character, which will render you pleating and acceptable to all with whom you may aiTociate. It was laid by the juftly celebrated Ed- ward Hyde, Eari of Clarendon, who raifed A CHARGE. 231 himfelf by his perfonal merit to the office of Lord Hi^h Chancellor of England, " that he never was fo proud, or thought himfelf fo good a man, as when he confidered him- felf inferior to the reft of the company :" a faying (trongly expreffive of his fenfe of the be- nefits which he had derived from having been early introduced to, and continuing; an ac- quaintance with, the mod eminent perfons of his time for learning, virtue, and talents. 4thly. Cultivate a tajle for reading and for jiudy. The human mind is naturally defirous of acquiring knowledge, confcious that true dignity and refpedlability of character de- pend upon it ; but, there is a variety of prin- ciples which powerfully oppofe that acqui- fition, particularly in the minds of youth v/ho, improvident of the future, regardlefs of any but the pafFmg moment, and natu- rally of volatile and gay difpofitions, think of prefent enjoyment only, and therefore too often indulge indolence, trifle away their time in frivolous and childifh amufements, or criminally employ it in deviling plans of mifchief, or in executing fchemes of folly. If the hours of youth be thus facrificed, the fucceeding years of manhood will be unpro- duclive of that golden fruit which is the in- variable reward of early diligence and ap- plication. Accuilom yourfelves therefore, before thofe propenfities become confirmed by habit, to fuch conltant activity of mind in laudable and literary purfuits, as \vi!I counteract their operation and ddlroy their A CHARGE, influence. They are the ruft of the mind, which, if fuftered to increafe or to exift at all, will foon obfcure its brilliancy, corrode its fubftance, and annihilate its ftrengh. Laftly. Cherifh religion, and frequently and attentively pernfe the holy fcriptures. They will communicate to you the mod valuable know- ledge the knowledge of yourfelves and of the path which leads to Heaven. The two moft important events that can pofiibly engage our attention, which are in- evitable, and for the occurrence of which it {hould be the chief employment of human life to prepare, are death and judgment ; be- caufe upon that preparation altogether de- pends our future happinefs or miftry in the next (late of exiflence. The prefent porti- on of our exiftence is a ftate of difcipline or trial, without which, under the peculiar cirrumftances ol our condition, as rational beings and free agents, we could not be en- titled to reward, or obnoxious to punifh- ment ; nor could the virtuous energies of our nature be properly called forth into action. When therefore the brevity and uncertain- ty of human life are confidered, the immen- fify of reward which is promifed to piety and virtue, and the dreadful nature of the punifhment which is threatened for the ne- glect of them furely the great bufinefs of life {hould be to prepare for eternity. Let then all your thoughts, words, and aftions, be regulated by rhe influence of that awful eternity. Reft you,r faith upon the A CHARGE. 233 doctrines, and regulate your lives by the pre- cepts of Chrift arid his Apoiiles ; and you will afiuredly obtain the efteem and appro- bation of the moil refpe&able part of the community, enjoy the moil exhilarating and foothing teitimony of an approving confci- ence, and finally be received by your Al- mighty Judge, as good and faithful Rewards of the talents committed to your truft. In a particular manner moil earnestly do I recommend to you a regular obfervation of all the ordinances of public worfhip, and the exercife of frequent and fervent private pray- er. Remember that we are fallen and ac- countable beings, that our thoughts, words, and actions arc continually under the in- fpection of God that the propenfities of our nature are to evil that thofe propen- fities are too powerful to be controuled by reafon alone that without the afiiftance of divine grace we cannot attain that purity of character which alone can render us accep- table to our Almighty Judge : and that this divine influence is promifed liberally to thofs who fincerely petition for it. " Aik and ye fhall have," faid our Divine Inftmttor Jefus Chrift, " knock," as it were at the door of Heaven, " and it {hall afluredly be opened to you." Prayer preferves in the human mind 5 a con- ftant fenfe of the omniprefence, omnifcience^ and omnipotence of the deity, and of the imperfection, the frailty, and the refposfibi- U a 234 FASHION. lity of man. Nor be deterred from the cx- ercife of this in difpen fable duty, by the idea of labour in its daily occurrence. We are not required to offer long but frequent and ar- dent prayers, The fingle petition of the con- trite publican " God be merciful to me a (in- ner !" was favourably received, when the e- laborate addrefs of the oftentatious Pharifee was rejected. Prayer is the great, the bleffed medium of intercourfe between man and his Almighty Creator. Prayer ardent opens Heaven, lets down a ftream Of glory on the confecrated hour, Of man in audience with the deity. Who worfhips the great God, that inftant joins The firft in Heaven, and fets his foot on Hell. Dedicate, therefore, your early years to the fervice of your ^ Maker, and you will then find, that as you " grow in age, you will grow in grace," and enjoy the unfpeakable fatisfadtion which arifes from the confciouf- nefs of a diligent preparation for death, judg- ment, and eternity. FASHION. IN days of yore, when reafon held her reign. And could with eafe vain caprices reftrain ; When men, accuftom'd to one common courfe* To fix their minds, rcquir'd no borrowed force ; When brutal ay Vice did not rule the board, Nor each his all for trifles could Afford ; When fplendid luxury was without a name, And by abundance no one fought for fame 5 When, but a little was a good fupply, all TfUh faith on Nature could rely FASHION, 235 In this more ancient and more happy age, The beams of honour fhone upon the ftage. The aged Sire juft tott'ring to the duft, To his fond child confignM his facred truft j- With admonitions of his tend'reft care, Of folly's wiles with caution to beware. But ah, degenerate race ! with pleafure cloy'd ! Of reafon, wifdom, prudence, goodnefs void 1 What fpecious charm has lull'd your minds to reft ?" Than your fond Sires, what makesyou far more bleft ? Ah, vainly bleft, if FASHION rule the day, Faihion, a demon clad in falfe array j An idol, to which thoufands bend the knee*. With anxious hopes from trouble to be free. Fafhion and lux'ry with their curfed train, In modern times have long aiTum'd the reign Have driven reafon from her rightful throne, And on her ruins rais'd aloft their own ; Have won the fmiles of every fex and age ; All with delight in FOLLY'S caufe engage ; Have burft the ties of harmony and peace ; And bade the Itreams of joy and pleafure ceafe 5 Have oft defpoil'd a noble, happy mind Of treafures facred, once by care refin'd. Such are th' effects of Fafhion's regal fway^ Perhaps the fate of many a future day. To prove the fa&, to Capitals repair^ And feek profufion on profu (ion there. Explore the throng engag'd in Fafhion's fphere* Where all as one, her fpecious name revere. Here, ftruts a Pigmy in his fumpt'ous lace. There, from each lattice peeps a crimfon face ; Here, a poor mifcreant, to the world a curfe, And ftill fupported from his father's purfe : There, trips a Mifs, the fact none have oppos'dp. To public view her modefty expos'd ; Here, ftands the Crier at each angle, boldy At three^ P. M. laie Fa/hions to be fold ; There, italks an advocate for folly's Ihow 3 236 FASHION. Pleading with warmth, PRO BONO PUBLICO, In every fordid corner you beho'd A mufhroom upftart clad in fplendid gold ; And parents, children, all as one agree, To hail EXTRAVAGANCE with focial glee. Are thefe the vices which pollute the age, And itill permitted to pervert the tlage ? Muft we at Faihion's fhrine obiequious fall,. And liiten to her pleafing, fatal call ? Deluded world arife, nor heed her voice j 1 Let honeft prudence be your nobleft choice ; Extravagance and folly, hand in hand Too long, alas ! have overfpread the land. To change the fceiae and paint in difTrent light*. Lst fober R^afon now refume her right. With care let herjufl dictates be obey'd, And our advancement prove HJ-R fov'reign aid. In her embrace, on life's impetuous tide, Each haft'nind foctfteg (he will fafely guide ; Will guard the fortune of each patting hour, And banifh care by her coercive pow'r. To prove that Reafon is our fafeft rule, Behold the peafant, taught in Nature's fchool : No coftly gems his daily garb compofe, In vain indulgence he fecks no repofe. In ruITet gown his fmiling wife appears, NO cares difturb, no deep foreboding fears, AS faithful Sol o ; ertt-ps the eaftern hills, And with his beams expanfive Nature fills \ When the gay lark begins his matin fong, To which the ftrains of cheerf ulnefs belong ; In juft tuccefiion in the ruftic art, Each in his turn, with pleafure knows his part. And when at eve that God his luftre veiis> O'er gloomy cares the cheerful fong prevails.. From bufy fcenes andbleft with pureftjoy, Lp, the Rcclufe in Nature's free employ, ANECDOTES. 237 No fplendid toys his humble cot adorn, Nor for his plainnefs is he viewM forlorn. His fimple habit proves his peaceful mind For pureft blifs and happinefs defign'd ; For daily bounties which kind Heav'n beftows, To Him who gives, his pure oblation flows. His gen'rous hand each pilgrim's wants fupplie&j Nor to the child of forrow, aid denies. Far happier thefe, than thofe in regal ftate, Abforb'd in Kix'ry, and ignobly great ; Who feek for pleafures which from wealth arife, And for abundance ftrain their eager eyes. Who look for honours in the fplendid fphere, And the vain god, extravagance, revere. The female mind, in idle dreams employed, Too long, alas! has fancy's fruits enjoy M. Too long hag chofen for its fureft uide, A Ratcliffe's trifle, or a Rowfon's pride. Go, fearch the toilet of the fiuciicus fair, Where frightful ghofts in gloomy horror Hare. View the long pile which human greatnefs fpeaksj And liften to a maid's dcfpairing fhrieks: Where mournful fpe&res hover on the fight, And bring to view the (hades of endlefs night. Such direful fctnes employ, with fondeft care ? The happy moments of our blooming fair. And now, ye votaries of Fafhion's Gaufe, Adhere to Reafon and to Reafen's laws : Let no vain trifles o'er your firmnefs fway> Nor feek the luring baubles (if the day. Thus, by your prudence you may daily learn Between the good and evil to difcern ; May know, by tracing Nature's open rule, What conftitutes a fage, and what a fool*. ANECDOTES. Some years fmce, not fifty miles from Bof* tpn, lived an indyftrious old lady, who, uC ANECDOTES. ing early one Lordsday morning, gathered her dirty clothes together, and went hard to work, waihing ; which (he continued, until a neighbour of hers, miffing her from church, called at the houfe to know what extraordina- ry accident had prevented her attendance as ufual ; borh the oJd ladies were furprifed the one at feeing her neighbour dreffed in her belt clothes and the other infinitely more fo, at feeing her old friTnd at the waih tub. Aft?r an eclaircifiement had taken place, the old lady who had fo ignorantly finned, requeued the other to fit down, and as (lie, by her fad miflake, had not been to church herfelf, to inform her what was the fubjeCr, the parfon was preaching on " he was preaching" faid ihe " on the death and fuf- ferings of our Saviour." " What !" faid the other, " is he dead well, my hufband don't take the papers, and half Bofton might be burnt down, and I know nothing about the macter." A YOUNG MAN, NATIVE of a pleafant part of New Eng- land, having no objWHons to enter upon a married life, hereby makes known his inten- tions to the young ladies of Carolina. He is about twenty-five years of age, of decent profeflions and fair profpefts can produce an unfufprcled character other particulars to be exprcfTed on perfonal interview ; to ap- proach which, he iu^geils the following mode : The lady, whofe attention may b$ ANECDOTES. 23$ excited by this propofal, is defired to drop a billet into the box of the poll-office, ad- drefied to A. B. in which (he will declare fo much of her mind, as is necefTary to hint the firfl avowal of an honourable courtfliip. She will alfo prefcribe her fiftitious addrefs, together with the time and place at which he may depofit a letter of more explicit con- tents. This correfpondence may be continu- ed at the pleafure of the parties, until, by reci- procal underilandingy they may appoint an interview. As hispropofitions are religioufly fincere, he expects chat her's alfo will be fuch, as far as (he thinks proper to proceed. He pledges the honour of a gentleman, that, whatever may be her profeffions and dif* clofures, he will obferve the utmoft diplo- niatick filence and unremitting fecrecy. She will be indulged, at any llage of the ad- d refles, in fufpending the correfpondence whenever (he chufes. Attention, in con- formity to the above, fhall be itriUy paid for the fpace of fourteen days from this date. Though an introduction to the acquaint- ance of a companion, fo novel and unprece- dented, may wear with many a theatrical appearance, the writer is confcious of no- thing, why it may not be per fed! y confid- ent with every objedt of ccurtihip. As ad- verufements of this kind, though really fin- cere, are too often viewed as mere fcciies of mock-gallantry, he tenders his ailurances that this, BONA-FIDL, will be lupportcd with ferious intention and unaffected candour j ANECDOTES. he begs moreover, that the lady who cannot otherwife be convinced, would fo refpel the propofnion above dated, as to make an introductory experiment, ifolated at her own pleafure, with caution and referve. AN old gentleman, whofe father attend- ed more to teaching his fon the methods of accumulating riches than knowledge, lived fome time fince in a town in one of the eaft- crn dates From application and indulVy^ he had amafTed a property of about 20,000 dollars : although not able either to read or write, he never hired a clerk, but had al- ways been in the habit of keeping his own books. He had invented fome few charac- ters for the purpofe of conveying his ideas to himfelf arid others : they were formed as nearly fimilar to the (hape of the article fold as the nature of the circumftance would ad- mit. One day a cuftomer of his called on him for the purpofe of fettling his account, the book of hierogtyphicks was handed down, and our merchant commenced with u fuch a time you had a gallon of rum, and fuch a time a pound of tea fuch a time a gallon of molafles, and fuch a time a cheefe." " Stop there," fays the cuilomer, " I never had a cheefc from you or any other perfon I make my own cheefe." " You certainly muft have had it," faid the merchant, " it is down in my book." The other denied ever buy- ing an article of that kind. After a fuifi- cicnt number of pros and cons, upon recoK ttURA-L PHILOSOPHER. le&ion, he informed liim that he believed he had purchafed a grind/lone about that time "It is the very thing," laid the merchant, " and I mud have forgotten to put the hsle in the middle." THE PETITION Of a number of fat and healthy Siuine, Mod humbly addreiTed to the honourable flreet-commiflioners of Philadelphia, SHEWETH, THAT your petitioners have at this time very pleafant lodgings in the odoriferous Houghs of Pewter Platter alley, made fome time fmce by laying down water-logs in faid alley. But your petitioners are very appre- hend ve that they (hail be disturbed, in con- fequence of fome of their neighbours com- plaining of bad imells ifiuing from our ha- bitations, which they fear will produce that ugly demon the yellov- fever. Now, gentle- men, we hope you will not regard either their complaints or their fears, as we know fome of them to be very weak nerved people, too eafily alarmed about trifles and do beg that you will grant us the ufe of our comfortable lodgings, during the remainder of the warm months at leaft, for which your petitioners will thank you, and as in duty bound will ever pray. THE RURAL PHILOSOPHER. Fair Nature's beauties give sublime delight, To whom alone Ihe gives her charms to prize* 2421 RURAL PHILOSOPHER. Ten thoufand fweets regain th'attentive fight, Which pafs unnotic'd by incurious eyes Earth's verdant carpet, lo ! how richly wrought, What grandeur fills the heAv'ns from pole to pole; Thefe fwell the mind to majefty of thought, And firike the fineft feelings of the foul. How great my theme ! how vaft is Nature's plan> My mufes power to fing, alas ! how fmall ; What wifdom, (nines from infect up to man, What truth and ^oodnefs vifible in all. There are who view the fweetly varied vale, Yet feel no rapture at the pJeafing light, There are who hear the moon's harmonious tale, Yet fee no beauties in the queen of night. There are who view the flocks, and verdant downs, The fummer funs, and plenty pouring iky ; Yet leave their charms to flaepherds and to clowns, Nor lift their thoughts, nor fend their thanks ou high. To me the daified bank, the cowilip field, The craggy rock, the high o'er (hadowing hill; Plcafurc fublime and fwtet inftmction yield, And all my foul, with admiration fill. The blopming hedge row, or the leafiefs tree, The funm.cr's heat, or winter's frozen face, In fweet viciffltude give joy to me, And fill the fccne with dignity and grace. The fnoooth-rind poplar, and the pointed pine, The mantling wood-bine, and the matted thorn. In reafon's car proclaim a hand divine, While Nature's p]an they perfect and adorn. The rofe's blcfh, the laurel's plitt'ring green, The tulip's glow, the crocus' golden rays, Sweetly diverfify th' enchanting fcene, And fwel! the chorus of their maker's praife. RURAL PHILOSOPHER. 243 The groves and purling ftreams the mufes pride, Woods, lakes, and lawns, and all the charms of May, Can't puk imfung; wh~n all things fang befide, la graceful concord aid the moral lay. Learn wifdom, man ! from all thine -eye furveys, See ! order reigns throughout the fpacious whole ; Thnt jnfi obedience every creature p;iys, Should teach, con-eil, and* regulate thy foul. But ah ! there are who view th'etherld plains, Yet hearu/> mufic in the rolling fpheres, Who feel vrhat chanting mufic heav'n ordains, Nor count how fall, they number out their years\ There ^re who feel the fun's diifufive ray, Yet unadmirrng, view that world of light, Who praife the varied wonders of the day, Yet fee no grandeur in the gloom of night. E'en winter's bell'wing breath whofe horrid noife, Howls in tremendous tempefts through the trees. The PhiJofophick ear in peace enjoys Nor Snds lefs pleafmg than the pafiing breeze, The ratt'lhg thunder fhakes the folid world, And fearful light'nings nature's face deform, The virtuous mind in no confuiion huri'd, Smiles HI the tempeil, and enjoys the florm. He fees with wonder, Nature's fir ft great caufe Hold out the fcales, and keep the balance e'en ; Though boift'rous Eurus burft his wint'ryjaws ; With all the bluft'ring turbulence of Heav'n. . The virtuous mind, wirh equal te'.Tiper, views The fummer's glories, and the winter's glooms, The facred path of confcious peace purfues, And looks unterriiied on threatening tombs, AUTUMNAL REFLECTION. ELEGY. Calm is thy reft, meek forrow's child ! At length thou haft tfcap'd from grief ; At length, to ev'ry anguifh throb, The final figh has giv'n^ relief. Yes ! thou art happy, forrow's child Though cold the fod that binds thy breaft, ''That breaft fhall agonize to more, No more fhall heave witH woe fuppreft. For facred, from each prying ftye, In fecret flow'd thy burning tear, And mournful though thy hapleis tale, 'Twas pour'd alone to friendfhJp'g ear. Yet, now from rifing anguifh free, How tranquil is thy filent fieep \ How calmly cloPd thofe languid orbs, So often uf'd to wake and weep. Peace to thy fhade, for thou wert mild, As is the cradjed infant's figh, And pure if ever mortal were, As fouls that feek their native fky. O'er thy pale form the high grafs waves, -And willows tpread funereal gloom, While eve's foft breeze de'igbts to pour Its wbUper'd murmurs o'er thy tomb. And oft at midnight's facred hour, Forms fueh as fancy loves Ihali throng Due honors at the turf to pay, And foothe thy fpirit with their fong. AN AUTUMNAL REFLECTION.. Jn fading grandeur lo \ the trees Their tarninVd honours fhtd ; "While every leaf compt-lfir.g breeze Lays their dim verdure deadi. AUTUMNAL REFLECTION. 245- F/er while they (book a lively length Of flowers and frui't and green ; Now (horn of beauty and of ftrength They Hand a fliatterM feene. Ere long the fertile breath of fpring Shall all their charms renew ; And flower and fruit and foliage bring*, All pleafing to the view. Thus round and round the feafons roll In ona harmonious courfe, And (lied conviction on the foul, With unremitting force. Not fuch is man's appointed fate, ' One fpring alone he knows, One Summer, one autumnal ftate, One Winter's dread repofe. Yet not the dreary deep of death, Shall e'er his pow'rs dtfiroy, But man (hall draw immortal breath, In cndlefs pain or joy. Important thought ! Oh, mortal hear On what ihy fate depends ; The voice of Wifdom ftrikes thine ear, And this the voice fh-e sends. " When virtue glows with youthful charms. How bright the vernal Ikies ! When virtue like the Summer warms, What golden Hurvefts rife. When vices fpring without controul, What bitter fruits appear ; A wintry daikneis wra.ps the foul, And horrors clr.fe the year ; When youths to Virtue's fhrine repair And men their tribute bring ; Old age fiiall lofe its load of care, And death fiu'l lofe its iting*' 7 246 CITY MANNERS. CITY MANr.ERS. I have been completely fuccefsful, and you muft: fend me your congratulations im- mediately. You thought my hufband could never be brought to facrifice what you are pleafed to term a certainty for an uncer- tainty j but you are miftaken ; men are different creatures at different times. I be- lieve, nay, I vow I am almoft certain, they may all be wrought upon by arts lefs fpcci- ous than thofe fo frequently played off upon our fex. If women would call into ufe but half of their fagacity, and would fcrutinize the natural difpofitions and propenfities of men, their fituations in life would more often accord with their own defires, and feminine graces give a more general polifti to fociety. But this muft be done with care. Men are naturally jealous of authority, and will not tamely fubmit to any open encroachment* upon it ; they cannot, therefore, blame us, if we follow their own example, and wheedle them cut of it, as they fo often ivheedle our fex of what is of a thoufand times more con- fequence, our virtue. In this, I am perfuad- ed, we may always fucceed : for, notwith- ftanding the charge of vanity, fo universally afcribed Jo us, I do pofitively declare, and you will not forget that it is a matron who makes the declaration, that the men have a much greater portion of it than the fuppofed pof- ieilbrs. Do be fo good as to cultivate thefe and fimilar fertiments among your acquain- tances : I thiiik they might prove beneficial j CITY MANNERS. 247 and I ihould receive additional happinefs from the confirmation of my belief. t have moulded my hufband into the very thing I wilhed him. He already begins to ite objects through the fame medium with my- felf \ and although he prated a good deal at firft, about the heart-felt pleafures of the ru- ral life, I foon put all fuch Ample nonfenfe out of his head by defcanting upon the ele- gancies of city enjoyments, the (lyle in which we Ihould be enabled to live, the choice of our company, and the facility of change ; but mod of all, upon the profound deference and refpeft which we fhould receive from perfons of every rank. This I did not fail to contraft with our prefent fituation \ and dwelt parti- cularly upon the term happinefs, to which I had often heard him fay there were as many definitions as there were perfons in the world, and upon the infenfibility and uncourteous difpoiitions of his boorifh neigh- bours. I am all in raptures at the fuccefs of my plans j and two or three attemptsto go through my ufual houfehoid duties, have abfoluttly failed \ fo that I do not fee how I can do any thing better than to inform you that I am fur- feiting upon anticipated happinefs. I have fometimes heard men aflert, that anticipation was preferable to enjoyment ; but I believe they will find few of our fex credulous and vifionary enough to coincide in a doctrine that defeats itlelf. If men had fenfibility and vt- enough always to enjoy the prefent mo- 248 I am perfuaded they would never men- tion the delights of anticipation. But this, you exclaim, is all idle prating, mere {peculation. Granted : we will there- fore to the point. My good Prott us has al- ready advertifed his eftate, and will probably be able to difpofe of it forn ; then we hie us to the city, and begin to make preparation for living in a ftyle worthy of my hufband's cha- racter and high exp ftitions ; then, I truft, I fhall be of fome confequence in fociety. I (hall no longer be pufhtd from my own fire by the intrufion of unbidden pupil's, who rruft always be made welcome ; nor be compelled to give an exact (l?tementof my family con- cerns to every impertinent old cunrudgeon in the parifh. In the city, you know every houfe is the lady's ; the carnages and fervants art all at her difpofal , (lie gives all the enter- tainments, and all vifits are made to her. This, now, is as it Ihould be ; and we receive ali pri per refptcl. inltead of being tievl to the fide of your hufband, at ali times, w^;k- in^' regularly to church twiceon aSunday, j;nd having nothing to look at buc the monotonous countenances which you have feen all the cirys X)f ycur life ; we are indulged in a promifcuou's intercourfe with the fexcs ; plays, theatres, Concerts, balls, and galleries of the arts, are ptMpctually created for our amufemcnt \ aud wt are led, with admirntion and delight, from CMC novelty to a r other by a hunc'reH di'rTerttit beaus who are ever at your be'ck, and CITY MANNERS. 249 never feem fatisfied but when they are doing you a favour. I do afTure you, that in cities, the ladies are of infinitely more confequence, in private life, than the gentlemen. They are plodding in their counting-houfes the greater part of the day, while we are receiving and paying morn- ing vifits, reciprocating civilities, and at ail times enjoying the prefcnt moment in a man- ner perfe&ly agreeable to ourfelves. We are often affifted in thefe asnufements by gentle- men of elegant leifure y who are the kindefl crea- tures in the world, and who are never infen- fible to the merit of a fine woman. Several of thefe gallants have wives themfelves, but this does not hinder them from adhering ri- gidly to the opinion of the " Wife of Bath. 1 * I muft fay, and all women, you know, are extremely fond of having their fay, that the liberal opinions and genteel cujlorns that general- ly prevail in cities, are much to my tafte, and afford a (Inking contrail to the narrow preju- dices of a village education. You very well know how much reftraint we are obliged to fubmit to, becaufe we are of what is termed the better fort of people in the country. There can be no other reafon in the world for nil this, than a thin population. If this were not the cafe, every body's fituation and circumftances would not be precifely known, and the immediate occurrences in eve- ry family would not be fo familiarly difcuflcd by the common vulgar. This want of CITf lation, and the natural aufterity of parents and hufbancls, are of very ferious inconvni- ence to ar ieait one part of every family. We are ftri&ly enjoined to keep aloof from all others not fimilarly circumstanced with ourfelves ; and the deflination of every vifit, or of what is here nick-named party of plea- fure, muft be previoufly known and approved by the family before it can. be finally reiblved upon In our drefs, too, we are (harmfully controlled ; and in(lruted to fafliron it fo as to prohibit ail play to the imagination. I real- ly think that things have come to a fine pafs when men are not fatisfied with the abfolute direction of our perfons. They are not wil- ling now, to allow us even mental freedom ; and what they will next invent for our torture, it is impoflible to conje&ure. But let us not forget, that things are not fo every where. In the city, this ruft has quite worn off; and the general polifti of manners has given to every thing the moft beautiful appearance. The fancy, and the judgment are left to the guidance of their refpeclive poffeflbrs, for they are not al- ways united in the fame perfon, and the ge- neral profperity of the citizens enables all clafles to put on the fame appearance, and to be prefent at all public amufements. It is not for me to inquire into the caufes which have produced this delightful ftate of fociety ; it is fuiHcient for me that it is fo. Perhaps you rrny think that the frequent interruptions of health, fo often experienced CIT.Y MANNERS. In cities, is a circumftance very much againft them ; but this, I can allure you, is an objec- tion more imaginary than real. The houfes of the wealthy are generally fituated in the wicieft ftreets, where there is a free circula- tion of air, and are very fpacious their itores or compting-houfes, however, are generally down upon the wharves j and if they will al- ways keep themfelves immured in them, where the air will not let them live, they mud die of courfe, and we. are free to better our- felves the fooner. This, I am determined, {hall not keep me from the city one moment \ " For when my tranfitory fpoufe unkind, Shall die and leave his woeful wife behind, I'll take the next goo<i Chriftian I can find." You need not laugh at this confeffion, though it is a frank one j for I will venture to bet you a difh of my bed hyfon, it has been made by many an honeft wife, before me. You may poifibly think, alfo, that it can be no eafy talk for a widow, with children, to get a hulband, where there are at all times fo many charming young girls who are feldom difpofed to be cruel ; but you may difmifs fuch a belief as foon as it is conceived, for I do pofitively afiert, that " There fwims no goob fo grey, but, foon or late, She finds fome honeft gander for her mate." It now only remains for me to allure you, that we are firmly refolved upon going to town as foon as poflible, and that I lhall be very glad to have as much of your company there as you can fpare. APPARITIONS. THOUGHTS ON APPARITIONS. Ye fplrits who inhabit worlds unknown ! TerrinV fpeclres ! whither are ye flown ? Oft have I heard, ye. love at this dread hour To haunt, the ruin'd aisle, or mofs grown tow'r ? To flit In {hadowy forms along the glade, Or ftalk gigantic 'midft the gloomy (hade. Yet here alone with filent fteps I tread, Where broken walls their mouldering ruins fpread ; Where the cold alhes of the fair and great, Vainly enfhrincd, repofe in awful ft ate ; Whsre the dark ivy clafps th' embattled tow'r And lengthens out a while its final hour ; But all is ftill ! no frightful ghoft appears ; No ghaftly. phantom its huge form uprears ; No white rob'd fpirifs glide acrofs the gloom, No hollow groan low mutttrs from the tomb ; But death-like filence fpreads an awe profound, And darknefs flings her fable mantle round. Then whither are thefe (hadowy fpe<51res fled, That nightly guard the relics of the dead ? And where is pale-cheek'd Terror's hideous train, That i.Vr the midnight hour is faid to reign ? Ah ! let grim Fear and fuperftition tell, " A tale of horror from their murky cell ; Where by the glimmering taper's pale-blue lightj They pafs, in fullen mood, the dreary night ; Starting with frenzied looks at every found, W T hile vifionary phantoms float around, Yes they may tell of deeds with horror fraught, And dreadful fights that mock the labouring thought ; Yet wi 1 1 fcorn the vain deluding: tale, '"Nor let their" ;oire o'er Reafon's felf prevail. Bu 4 , can I fiiil a hardy fceptick fiand, Rejecting truths rever'd in every land ; While undiluted hfts their force unite, To prove that faints haunt the (hades of night f' Ah no ! 1 mult fuhmit I plead in vain Imagination's \viid despotic reign ; Or fay that Fear by Fancy's magic aid APPARITIONS. May fill with airy forms the dubious fhsde : And bid the trembling heart, in manhood's fpitc, Start from a wavering bufh with pale affright ; Yes tis in vain ! for while with lad furprizd, O'er many a dreadful legend Pity lighs, Some well-attefted fa&s the min'd 'perceives., And with difcriminating power believes. Yet fhall I dread at this dark hour to rove, Amid the folentn fiillnefs of the grove ; Or where the time worn battlements arife, Or the proud turret low in ruin lies ? I from the thought alTur'd that Sovereign Po\vV Governs alike the dark, or moon tide hour ; And here as free from rude alarm 1 ft ray, Amid thefe (hades, as in the blaze of day ; While to thy care, O thou Almighty Friend ! By night, or day, my fpirit I commend. But oh ! my heart delights while thus I rove, T' indulge thepleafing thought, that feme I love, Who now have gain'd the radiant feats of blifs, Attend my wand'rings o'er a icene like this. Oh yes methinks I feel her prefence near, Whofe memory claims affection's grateful tear ; Whofe form fo much belov'd, hath flill the pow'r, With fweeteft fmiles to cheer the darkeft hour ; Doft thou, indeed, my lonely fteps attend, And o'er me now with kind companion bend, Anxious with all a mother's love t* impart A balm to footh theforrows of my heart ? Mi^ht I indulge the wilh that thou wert near, Bleft fpirit might I now behold thee here ; Such as thou art, array'd in garments bright, Or fuch as memory views with fond delight. 1 dare believe, my heart with glad furprize Would linger here till morning beams ariie ; With flrong defire that gentle voice to hear, Whofe kindnefs oft has charm'd my infant far ; And, fraught with tenderelt love huh lull'd to reft The little Ibrrows of my youthful breath w 254 MEDITATION. It must not be ! I look around in vain Darknefs profound, and awful filence reign O'er all the gloomy fcene, which feems to lie EntombM beneath the fable-vaulted Iky. Oh ! when fhall this impriibnM foul of mine Burst from its dark abode with powV divine, And meet with thofe I love, on that bleft fhore , Where forrow, pain, and death are known no more. Oh ! ict my luui with hopeful patience fay, ** Thy will be done !" and wait that awful day, That bids my fpirit wing its wond'rous fight, From this dark world to realms of pureft light ; With rapturous joy, to (hare the glorious prize Of immortality beyond the Ikies ! MEDITATION. The morning dawn'd with beauteous fmile, And gaily rofe the radiant fun ; My eye tranfported, for awhile Had o'er the glowing landfcape run, Whenst from the fouth a cloud arofe ; I faw with undifturbed repofe. The mild and foftened rays of light, SeemM on the mountain tops to reft ; The winding river clear and bright, An air ferene, and calm confeft ; The fields, though all the trees were bare, Appear'd their fummer veft to wear. Who could behold the fcene unmovM ? With hafty fteps I bent my way, And o'er the lawn delighted rov'd, And blefied the giver of the day ; Why not each moment prove like this ? I fighed and yet the iigh was blifs. Returning with a vigorous mind, I vow'd the live-long day to range ; ^ Or 'jieath the oak to reft reclin'd, When nature mi^ht require a change * COMMERCE. Such dreams and fam ies oft amufe, While wifdom's path we fail to choofe. Two hours had pafs'd I now allowed My fcheme of pleasure to purfue j I role ; not thinking that the cloud, Unheeded, was a prefage true ; Alas ! with baneful influence wide, O'er all the Iky it feem d to flide. The fun had now withdrawn his rays, The whittling winds with fury blew ; And ruffietl was the river's glaze, The heavens each moment darker grew j Ah ! now my hopes were loft in air, And vanifli'd all the profpecTi fair. So when life's opening vifions rife, They dazzie and beguile our fight ; But, ah ! the fweet delufion flies, When blifs has gain d its utmoft height, And leaves us nought but forrow's gloom, To light us to the dreary tomb. Yrt, if we ccurted hope s bright ray, A glimmering always might be feen, Painting the fafe, though thorny way, To where no forrows intervene ; But where in full perfection fhine, Love, joy, and happmefs divine ! COMMERCE. TO be the herald of our own folly, and to prr claim all our latent weakneffes, requires iome (Irength of mind ; and I have a thouKind times regretted, fince my confinement, the exillence of any tie which could turn my eye upon myCelf, or. awake me from the le- thergy into which L h.ivc fallen I know you will 4tfapprov9 of this fuuunent, for it* COMMERCE. impiety, and at any other time, I fhould fear die reprimand it will certainly bring upon 'me ; but remember, there are times when we are both unable and unwilling to analyze our thoughts, or to fcan our aflions. The ngony of my mind, the miferies which fur- round me, the iofs of my gallant fon, and the cries of the wretched prifoners for bread, mult, therefore, be my apology, for my men- tal or -verbal errors. -For what purpofes were the paflions of avarice and ambirion given to the human mind ? Why are mankind fo generally dif- futisfied with the middle ftations in fociety ? I need, not inform you how pleafantly I was fituated in the county of Dutchefs, where I had an extenfive farm, kind neighbours, and true friends ; where I had been fuccef- vely town-clerk, juftice of the peace, fhe- rifF of the ccunty, and member of thelegif- hture. I need not dwell upon the eafe, quiet, and fubftantial pleafures of a country life. You are acquainted with them all, and will therefore fpare me the pain of aa enu- meration. But when I tell you that I inhe- rited a great portion of my property, which. I was in fome meafure bound to hand down to my children, you will not feel lefs fur- prize than I do at the extent of my folly, the abfence of my reafon, and the force of my credulity. I am not, however, entirely to blame. Some of my friends, who had embarked hi a fuCQefsful trade, were continually COMMERCE. 257 me to convert my property into cadi, to come to this city, and to enter into the {hipping- bufinefs. My wife too, who has proved a very ambitious woman, chimed in, and did not fail to magnify the profpe&s of fucceis. She longed to figure in thofe fplendid routes and parties, of which {he had rafted during our occafional vifits to town ; and (he was quite certain I ihould make more money in one year than we could fpend in ten. I yield- ed came to town eftabiiflied a houfe read price-currents fent veflels to fea, and was, for fome time, fuccefsful", but fortune, like the tide, both ebbs and flows. A fmgle blow deprived me of a beloved fon, and an immenfe property. Thcfe loifes were the more fevere, as they occurred in that feafon of life when we juft begin to feel the gradual advances of old age. I found, however, a confiderable relief from my trou- ble and anxiety, in the friendihip of Mr. Trick'em, to whom I owed a confiderable fum. This gentleman gave me much of his company, and never omitted the kindeft words ; which I attributed to his magnani- mity and generofity, and to the delicacy and tendernefs of his friend fhip. Indeed he of- ten infmuated that he was not ignorant of my fenjibility orfttuotion and that he feared to leave me long alone, left my mind might prey too much upon itfelf. Such inftances of fterl- ing virtue occur fo feldom, that they mi de a great impreffion upon my mind, and I W 2 "2v8 COMMERCE. thought I could not do lefs than acquaint my friend with my exact fituation, in every particular He feemed much pleafed with my confidence, advifed me to cheer up, and hinted that a confiderable loan, for a few- months, might retrieve my fortune and cre- dit. It was true, he faid, that this money could not be procured for lefs than two and. a half per cent a month, but that circum- itances would fometimcs juftify a much greater premium. I thanked my friend a thoti- iand times, and immediately called upon Mr. Shark, the broker, to execute his plan. As I had yet a great amount of property in ihips and goods, I found no difficulty iu completing the negociation. The conjectures of Mr. Trick'em were verified. I paid the mod clamorous of my creditors, a.nd appeared at the coffce-houfe, among men of bufmefs as ufual. My prof- peds began to brighten, and I immediately concluded to pay my friend the balance of his account ; and the more efpecially as he had hinted that he had a great deal of mo- ney to pay within a few days, and knew not how to collect it. Shortly after I had fet- tled with Trick'em, I found my credit faft declining, and that I (hould be unable to re- t.ieem the property \vhLh I had depofited with Shark. He did not fpare me, but fa- crificed enough of my property at au&ion to feeure his ufury, and gave himfelf no far- ther trouble about the remainder, or its own- er. Juit at this timc ; when I was in the COMMERCE. midft of all my difficulties, I received word from another friend, that Trick'em had in- formed all my creditors of my embarraff- ment, and that he, as one of them, muil be paid to-morrow, or that he would arreit me immediately. Mr. Break'em, who gave me this information, further dated, that Trick- 'em had facetioufly obferved to him, that " Ledger thought himfelf under a thoufan-d obligations to me, but that if the country booby had not been ignorant of the practices cf trade t he would have known that I could have no intereft in " keeping him up" after I had wormed my money out of him ; and that it was but natural I fliould advife cer- tain ufeful friends, whom his foolifh confi- dence had informed me were creditors, to look to him." I had now, indeed, a full view of the prac- tices cf trade \ and my embarraffinents crowd- ed upon me fo fail, that I knew not which way to turn myfelf. I had feen fo much bafenefs, ingratitude and treachery, that I began to think all mankind were villains, who perpetually prey upon each other \ and that their fteming virtues were nothing more than different incidents, rendered accefTary to the grand defign, by which they mi^ht torment and deilroy with the greater facility. But I will not detain you with the frantick ravings of a mind fo perfectly killed with care. The denouement approaches fa ft. As the (hipwrecked mariner clings to the parting veffs 1 !^ which he fondly hopes may BUSINESS. contain fubftance and ftrength enough to bear him to the (bore ; as the timid virgin, who is about to be facrificed to the man whom {he hates, fuppiicates the forbearance of her father, and watches his countenance -, as the doating wife, wha is in momentary expec- tation of being torn from the arms of a be- loved hufband, looks wildly round for the appearance of fome pitying friend \ fo did your unfortunate kinfman in this trying hour. There were two gentlemen whom I could not but think had fome friendfhip for me, as I had very eflentially fcrved them boih, more than once. I therefore refolved to commit the remainder of my property, in truft, to their good keeping, that I might have fomething to exift upon till I could get my affairs in a train of itttlement. fhcfe gentlemen betrayed me* and I was fent im- mediately into clofe confinement, uhere I am ianguifhing in ill health, and fuffering all the horrors of want. BUSINESS. You doubtlefs remember the exultation which lexprtfled when I took my leave of you, among other friends, for the purpofe oi cm- barking in trade in this city. I am fure I mall never forget the day My feelings now pow- ertully atteit the value of the falutary advice which you gave me previous to that event. You endeavoured to diiluade me, by every ar- gumentwhichevenpaternalcarr could fuggeft, 19 give up ambitious ichemes, to content rny- BUSINESS. felf among thofe who had proved themftlves my bed friends, and to fix my felf for life a- mong the wife, the virtuous, and the happy, in preference to thofe whofe friendfhips are felfilli, and whofe vices are contagious. You remember, with what alacrity I ftruck off my houfe, my lands, and all my move-able property, to the higheft bidder, that 1 might fce in my hands the fure precurfor of a princely eitate, and the gift of national ho- nours and emoluments. I have not forgot- ten the anxiety and chagrin which my unwar- rantable anticipation of thofe " bluftiirig ho- nours" pictured in your countenance. But if I be not entitled to your pity for my er- rors > I hope you will- not withhold from m-e your forgive nefs, when you are informed of my misfortunes. Do not fay, that the lad refcurce of every blockhead, is to throw himfelf upon the generofity of his frisnds. I know and feel that this is but too often the cafe ; but you will do me the juftiee 40 believe, that there are fome fuperior to fuch bafenefs, and at lead one who will ne- ver ceafc to flruggle with fortune till her re- volving wheel har, once more crowned his board, and compenfated his forrows and his toils. When I firft came to this city, I expected to have found the merchants open and can- did with each other - y that they would, at all times, furnifh the new-beginner with correft advice; that they would cheerfully point out to him the men of faired character and ere- 262 BUSINESS.' dit ; reciprocate temporary loans, and be ho- ntft with me at all times. As the very bafis upon which their bufincfs is founded, is mu- tual confidence and honetty, I thought I could not but realize this latter expectation. But experience is equally beneficial to the confident and fceptical. If mankind could reft fatisfi- ed without reforting to this laft, great tdt, how many nations that are now fallen, would have been great and happy ! How many in- dividuals would have been in eafy circum- flances, who are now corrupt, debafed and miferable ! I do not witli to intrude upon your time and patirn.e, by declaring aga'mft the long lift of human infirmities. Your obfervations through life have doubtlcfs convinced you of the futility of repining at evils which can ne- ver be removed j and your religion has taught you to confider them as the works of that chaitening hand which rewards and punithes according to its own infcrutab'e wifclom. When we confider the inducements which the fituation of our country holds out to its citi-zens to embark in trade ; its excenfive fea- coaii, and happy pofition ; the number and aftivity of its har^y feamen ; and the uni- verfai poverty at the expiration of our revo- lutionary ftruggle, it ought to create no fur^ pnfe that many fought to remunerate them- feives by commercial adventures, by fpccula- tions in the fcrip of the numerous monied in* ft! unions, which became neccflary fo a new nation and a new people, and by large pur- BUSINESS. 263 chafes of vacant lands, which were fure to increafe in value as the nation increased in population. Thefe caufes combined, pro- duced a univerfal pafiion for trade ; and the fplendid fuccefs of the early adventurers has been but a too fatal inducement for others to follow, lefs qualified to fucceed, and long af- ter the golden crifis had pafled away. The confequence of this mad bufinefs has been what many wife men predicted ; and future hiftorians will now be obliged to name Ame- rica with that giddy nation, which had her Miffiffippi fcheme and with that avaricious na- tion which had her South-Sea Company. When we reflect upon the circumftances, we (hall not be furprifed that our merchants have become cautious and even fufpicious. Inilead of reciprocating accounts of their fuccefs. and the caufes that have contributed to it, with franknefs to each other, they not unfrequently conceal their own fituation even from their own families. Betides, every de- partment of trade has now become fo over- ilocked with adventurers, that it has created a univerfal rivalihip and jealoufy ; and there are at all times, and efpecially in trade, but too many whofe interefts and natural depravi- ty lead them to betray, rather than protect and advife. Inilances of fuch conduit are by no means rare, and the abufe of confi- dence has become common. I need not now inform you, that my ob- ject in coming to this city, was to make a rapid fortune. After I had engaged in bufi- PROGRESS OF. FEELING. nefs. I found my capital was not fufficient to accompKfti this, and was forced to have recourfe to others in a (imilar fituation. A few days fince one of thofe friends called upon me for the fame favour, and ;t broke" the next day, with my money in his hands. A meeting of his creditors is called, he offers them two and fix-pence in the pound, which we muft take, or he will go upon the limits, live in ftyle, and pay nothing. I ha^e had the bleflcd experience which every one feems fo deflrous of, and as I find all my beautiful vifions are vaniflu-d, I fhall endea- vour to <( back out" in time to fave my bacon, and have authorized a perfon to negociate for iny old place in the country, which I (hall forever regret that 1 once relinquilhed* PROGRESS OF FEELING. In the days of my youth, when reafon's fweet bil- 1'^W Scarce fwell'd on the dream of reflection and thought, I fprang with the iky-lark, refrefh'd from my pillow, Nor heeded life's ills, whilft my pleafure I fought. But foon to my book with a heart palpitating, The frown of authority bade me attend ; I thought it was hard yes fure it was grating, To fee my dear fports with my liberty end. Yet fomething foon rofe, oh ! 'twas reading's fweet pleafure, To calm, to content, to enlighten my mind, And woml'rinjr, I fmil'd, as I con'd o'er the treafure, Of fables, of tales, or the Bible refin'd. PROGRESS OF FEELING. Yes, I blefs the dear day when my follies forfaking, The friend of my childhood confign'd me to fchool, For fomething like fcience my foul was awaking, And told me the head o'tr the heart ought to rule. Then the lore of the ancients increased the fcnfations Which throbb'd in my bofom, as reafon arofe, Whilft Poefy fmiling, held out her temptations, And lur'd me to pluck from her blolTom a rofe. Ah ! the rofe was moft f weet, and much I lov'd dearly, To tune my wild lyre in feclufion's lone cell, And oft as the beauties of nature would cheer me, Enchanted, my fong full of praifes I'd fwell. But foon, from the fmiles of dear nature a roving, My heart to the luring of beauty foon fled, And fhortly I found that the rogue was a loving, And rulM yes, for once, he rul'd over my head* My flrains were then fid, and I fung fo fmcerely, That beauty relented, and blefVd me awhile, But truly I paid for the blefiing moft dearly, As fhortly I found that e'en beauty had guile. So I turn'd quite difguiled from paHlon's wild billow, Nor felt that my lofs was a lofs fo uncommon, Since fimply 'twas prov'd, as I bound on the willow, J thought her an angel, but found her a woman . Oh yes, when the calmnefs of reafon fucceeded, And painted the follies afifccli m concealed, I blefs'd the dear day when the falfe one receded, And all the allurements of cunning reveaPd. Thus tranquil I fmil'd, and now often a ftraying, Midft folitude's walks, I reflect on mankind, Whilfl haply my fancy is fometimes pourtraying The changes and chances which round us will wind* x 266 SLEIGH RIDING. ^ Now lifted by pleafure, now born down by forrow, In the cafe of ourfelves 'tis we only agree So thus, like the reft, will I think of to-morrow, And care for the world, as the world cares for me- MY BREAKFAST. " Good Cook, all ceremony wave, And, e're I'm famifh'd, let me have What 'bove all other things I crave, My Breakfaft. " Two dozen eggs, and fix fmoak'd fifli, Of butter'd bread, a moderate diih, And fome good tea, is all I wifh For Breakfaft. " Since I'm fo moderate then, make haile, Elfe, honeft Cook, you'll be difgrac'd, For really, I long to tafte My Breakfajl. " Confider Cook, a day and night, Have pafs'd, fmce 1, half famifh'd wight ! Have eat, fole fource of true delight ! ! My Breakfafl, " 'Tis ready, fay you, joyous news ! Your pardon then my gentle mufe, Spite of your charms, I can't but choofe My Breakfajl> SLEIGH RIDING. I envy not the Chariot's ftate, That idly rolls the proud away, Give me the pleasures which await The fmoother flight that wings the Sleigh* "Thus though the tempeft howls around, And winter whitens all the way, Wrapt from its rage the bleft are found, \Vho fafely truft the gliding Sleigh. MUSIC. 267 Sea there the happy lover goes With fome fair virgin far away, Safe in his arms (he (huns the fnows, Delighted with the gliding Sleigh. Now o'er fome frozen ftream afar, Their nightly courfe they guide away? While round the pole each flaming ftar, Directs the fwiftly gliding Sleigh. But hark ! the treacherous furface round Breaks, cracks, and thunders every way, But born to hang, they'll never be drown'd Who trull the fwiftly gliding Sleigh. MUSIC. AT a period when real melody is fo much the fubjeft of cultivation, it appears to me very fingular, that no attempt has been made to reduce to fome order THE CRIES OF LONDON. They dill remain in a moft unmufical confu- fion, for want of fome perfon to fuperintend them, and to deliver out to the people their proper cries infcore> that they may not injure our ears as they do at prefent, by their hor- rid fcreaming. This is much to the reproach of an, age fo mufically inclined as the prefent, and I wi(h to roufe attention to a fubjet which they mud daily hear on both fides of their head. The great errors which have crept into our fyflern of Cries are principally thefe : the fame mnfic is often applied to different words ; and we have a great many words fet to rnufic fo improperly J:hat the " found is 268 MUSIC. not an echo to the fenfe." Not to fpeak of a great deal of mufc by the firft miftrefT- es of the Billmgfgate academy, to which there are no words at all, and vice verfa, of a great quantity of words without mufic, of any one may be convinced. I have faid that the fame mufic is often applied to different words. There is a man under my window at this moment, who cries potatoes to the feif-fame tune that I remember when cherries were in feafon , and it was but yefterday a woman invited the public to purchafeyftr/'w//, to a tune which has inva- riably been applied to falt-cod : as to j/>/- nage y and muffins , I have heard them fo often chaunted in -D, that I defy any man to know which is which. Matches too have been tranfpofed to the key of periwinkles, and the cadence which ihould fall upon rare, is now placed upon fmelts and mackarel. One could fcarccly (up- pofe fuch abfurdities in London, at a time when every barber's boy whiftles Italian ope- ras, and even the footmen belonging to the nobility give you Water parted at the box- doors. There is another inftance I recollect in radifljes ; every body knows that the bra- vura part is on the words, twenty a penny* but they fwell thefe notes, zhdjbah upon radijhts. We have no ears, elfe we could not hear fuch barbarous tranfpofitions, which mult be done by people totally unacquainted with the gamut. You may think lightly of this matter, but my family (hall ftarve ere MUSIC. 269 I will buy potatoes in the treble clrff^ or al- low them to eat a fallad that has been cried in flats. Soot ho ! I will Rill allow to be in alt ; the fituation of our chimneys justifies this ; but: certainly duft ought to be an octave lower, although it is notorious, that the unmufical rafcals frequently go as |high as G. and that without any Jhake. Is it not clear that duft (hould bsjbaked? Of <water-creffes, I muft own the cry has a mod pleafing melancholy, which I would not part with for the flippant triple tune in which we are folicited to purchafe cabbage- plants In fa/lad, the repetition has a good ef- fect Fine fallad, and fine young fallad) with a fhake on the lail fyllable of fallad^ is accord- ing to the true principles of mafic, as it ends in an apogiatura. Hot croft-buns^ although they occur but once a year, are cried to a tune which has nothing of that melody which {hould accom- pany facred mufic. There is a ilur upon hot which ddlroys the effect ; and indeed gives the whole a very irreverent found. New cheefe t I have to obferve, has not been fet to mufic, and is therefore ufually fung as a fe- cond part to radi/bes, but the concords are not always perfect. Duets are rarely well performed when there is no other accompa- niments than the wheels of a barrow. As I would not wi(h to infmuate that a!l our cries are objectionable, I murt allow that X 2 270 MUSIC. ground Ivy is one of the mod excellent pieces of mufic we have ; I quedion much if ever Handel compofed, or Billington fung any thing like it. What renders it more beauti- ful is, that it is a rondeau^ a very pleafing and popular fpecies of air. The repetition of the word ground ivy, both before and after the Corns buy my has a very fine efreft ; or, as the critics would fay, it is impreffive and iri/* liant ! But while I allow the merit of this very natural and popular compofition, what (hall I fay to cucumbers ? The original tune is en- tirely forgotten, and a fort of Irim air is fub- Aituted for it. But although I objeft to this tune by itfelf, I am perfuaded that thofe who admire the fublime thunder of a choruy^ will be highly gratified by a chorus of cucumber women in a narrow ftreet. I have often Jif* tened to it, when it took my attention from every thing elfe. Fresh falmw is objectionable both on ac count of the words and the mufic. The mufic was originally part of the celebrated water -piece > but ihey have mangled it fo, that the compofer himfelf could not recognife the original air. Befides, fome ufe the word dainty^ and fome delicate^ to the fame notes, which occafions an unpleafant femiquaver. Indeed in general the word delicate might be as well kit out. Little or nothing of the bravura has been attempted in our cries, if we except the roly.- polys ; gncn fcas is a very fine inftance of this 21 fpecies of composition ; I know of nothing in any of our operas which goes beyond it ; it is to be regretted peas don't latl all the year. But to go over the whole cries, is altogether impoflible, elfe I could eafily prove that we are as much degenerated in this kind of mufic, as we are improved in every other the barrel-organ men have injured our fifh and garden-fluff women ; for indeed how can a woman, be (he ever fo good a finger, liften to their play-houfe tunes, and whip her afs along at the fame time ? It cannot be done ; people who have nice ears are mod eafily difturbed by founds; and how can one give the elegant melody of Windsor beans^ and liften at the fame time to Godfave the King ? P. S. If any fcheme be fet on foot for the valuable purpofes which I have mentioned, I beg leave to intimate, that I have lately com- pofed a fet of appropriate airs for each article^ fromy^/at feven in the morning, to hot ginger- bread at ten at night ; alfo a fet of tunes for the watchmen in much better time than they at prefent preferve. Thefe I {hall be happy fo fubmit to any committee of Mufical Cognofctntl which may be appointed. If not, I (hall print them by fubfcription at half a guinea the fet* HOPE. Were fortune's fmi'es iniur'd to man below, The fear of hovering care he might forego; Were he aflur'd that through his journey here,, Fate inaufpk'ious would not force a tear ; That joys perpetual would engage his mind> Jn nature pure, fubiUntial and refin'd ; SPRING. Inftead of knowing what he now endures, Would tafte the hlifs which virtue e'er fecures. But doom'd by nature from his earlieft age, With numerous ills and troubles to engage ; To ftem, with' patience, life's impetuous ftream, ' To fancy fpeclres in each fparkling gleam ; Onward he goes yet HOPES e'er long to fee The world, from threat'ning ills and dangers free. Yes, HOPE, the anchor of the coniiant mind, Allures that man his wifh'd for joys may find ; That he may know his time with blifs replete, His future days in happinefs complete. If thou would'fl know that through th' expanded whole, Fond hope indulg'd revives the finking foul ; View the lone ftudent in his early age, Employ'd in fearch, while leaning o'er his page. Fraught with the hope that, by his ftudious care, His name on fame's fair record may appear, He drives with mental force to prove at laft Himfeif repaid for labours o'er and paft. See the fond mother o'er a darling child, Jn every feature fmiling, placid, mild. Within her breaft the feeds of hope arife, To future fcenes Ihe looks with longing eyes ; Views the dear infant, clinging to her breaft, Kifing, fond hope, to be renovvn'd and b!eft< Beholds him happy in the world's juft praife, The child of fortune, born to profp'rous days. Lo, the brave tar, the fport of every wind, To-day, deprelTd to-morrow, cheer'd in mind ; While tofs'd on waves and toiling at his oar, Engag'd in thoughts of his dear native fhore, Where dwells a wife, whofe bofom heaves with fighs. Around an offspring, lift'ningto her cries ; Hope cheers his breaft he looks with anxious eye,. To climes remote, beneath the weflern iky. THE RETURN OF SPRING. Ye fouthern gales, that fan Peruvian groves, With gentle, arn'rous wing, DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 273 Awhile fufpend your tender loves, And chide the leit'rer, Spring ! O, gently chide th' unkind delay, That keeps the nymph ib long away From northern climes, whofe drooping fwains I wish fhould hail her on their frozen plains. Where'er the lingering maid you find, By ftream or vocal grove, Around her waift foft ofiers bind^ That ftie may ceafe to rove, Then fwiftly ply your rapid wing, The captive fair one hither bring, That all our fields in renovated charms may fmilt ? And flow'rs unnumber'd deck the looien'd foil. All nature mourns thee, blooming fair No more the ftreams delight : No more embroider'd vales appeal? To check the wandering fight. E'en Phoebus darts a fickle ray, And pours a dull, dejected day, Refunng to difpenfe his iplendid beams To loofe the frozen glebe, and thaw the icy fireams. Yet fad Canadians fens, with dread, Still court the wintry gloom : For froft and fnow on them more pleafure fhed, Than thy enlivening bloom ! With eyes aghait they view the plain Portending thy approaching reign, And 'wish St. Lawrence' itreams may never flow, But, bound in icy claims, repel their conquering foe a DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 'Tis not fcenes of feftive plea lure, Splendid equipage and drefs, Hoarded heaps of glitt'ring treafure, Can beftow true happinefs. No, the fweeteft joy arifes From domeftkk dear delights ; 274 ADDRESS. Where the peace that virtue prizes, With attra&ive pow'r unites. Far from fcenes of fad vexation, Happy they who can remove, To their tranquil habitation, Bleft with competence and love. Where good nature ever frniling, Kindles joy in ev'ry heart ; And affection, grief beguiling, Sweeteft pleafure can impart. Piety the fcene adorning, With a luftre all divine, Brings to view the glorious morning, When their joys fhall brighter Ihine. Earth's delights at beft are fleeting, Ev'ry pleafure has its pain ; But when thefe are all retreating, 'Tis to bloom more fair again. O how lovely is the dwelling, Where fuch joys as thefe abound ; Each enjoyment fure foretelling, All with glory fhall be crown'd. ADDRESS, Delivered to the Candidates for tie Baccalaureate in Union College. This day clofes your collegiate life. You have continued the term, and completed the courfe of fludies which are prefcribed in this inititution. You have received its honours, and are now to go forth as adventurers, unfufpect- ing perhaps, and certainly inexperienced, into a fafcinating but illufive world, where honour flaunts in fictious trappings, where wealth ADDRESS. 27? tlifplays impofing charms, and pleafure fpreads her impoifoned banquets. And that too, at a period when the paflions are moft ungo- vernable when fancy is moft vivid when the blood flows rapidly through the veins, and the pulfe of life beats high. Already does the opening fcene brighten as you approach it, and happinefs, fmiling but deceitful, pafles before your eyes and beckons you to her em- brace. Called to addrefs you, at this affe&ing cri- {is, and for the laft time ; had I, like the pa- triarchs of the Eaft, a bleffing at my difpofal, how gladly would I difpofe of it. But I have not - 5 and Can therefore only add, to the folici- tude which I feel, my councils and my prayers. Permit me to advife you then, when you leave this feminary, and even after you have chofen a profefliori, and entered on the bufi- riefs of life, dill to confider yourfelves only learners. Your acquirements here, though refpedlable, are the firfl rudiments merely of an education which muft be hereafter purfu- ed and completed. In the acquifition of knowledge you are never to be ftationary, but always progreflive. Nature has no where faicl to man, prefling forward in the career of in- telle&ual glory, " Hitherto (halt thou come but no further." Under GOD, therefore, it depends upon yourfelves to fay, how great-^- how wife how ufeful you will be. Men of moderate talents, by a courfe of patient appli- cation, have often rifen to the higheft emi- nence, and Handing far above where the mo- ADDRESS. mentary failles of uncultivated genius ever reach ; have plucked from the lofty cliff its deathlefs laurel. Indeed, to the ftature of the mind, no boundary is fet. Your bodies, ori- ginally from the earth, foon reach their great- eft elevation, and bend downwards again to- wards that earth out of which they were ta- ken. But the inner man \ that fublime, that rational, that immortal inhabitant, which pre- vades your bofoms, if feduloufly foftered, will expand and elevate itfelf, till touching the earth it can look above the clouds and reach beyond the ftars. Go then and emulous to excel in whatever 5s fplendid, magnanimous and great; with NEWTON> fpan the heavens, and number and meafure the orbs which decorate them with LoCKEy analyze the human mind with BOTLF) examine the regions of organic mat- ter. In one word, go : and with the great and wife, and the good of all nations, and all ages ponder the myfteries of infinite wifdcm, and trace the EVERLASTING in his word, and in his works. A wide and unbounded. profpet fpreads itfelf before you : in every point of which the DIVINITY (nines confpi- cuous, snd on which ever fide you turn ycur enraptured eyes, furrounded with uncreated majefty, and feen in the light of his own glo- ry, GOD appears. He leads the way before you, and (beds radiance on his path, that you may follow him. Contrcul and fuhju gate pur frfflons. Origi- nally, order pervaded human nature. The ADDRESS. 277 bofom of man was calm his countenance ferene. Reafon fat enthroned in his heart, and to her controul the paffions were fubjecl- ed. But the days of innocence are pad, and with them has alfo pad the reign of reafon. Phrenzy enfues. He, who was once calm and rational, is now blind and impetuous. A refidlefs influence impels him. Confequences are disregarded, and madly preffing forward to the objecfc of defire, he exclaims, " My ho- nour, my property, my pleafure ;" but is never heard to fay, "my religion, my duty, my fal- vation." While reafon maintained her empire, the paffions were a genial flame, imparting warmth to the fyftem, and gently accelerating the cir- culation of the blood. But, that empire fub- verted, they kindle into a VESUVIUS, burning to its centre, and pouring out on every fide, its defolating lava. The paffions, faid an infpired apollle, war againd the foul : and the fame apoflle who faid this, com- mands you to overcome them. Cultivate and cherish the fympathies of your nature. Thefe fo blighted by the apoftacy, dill retain the tints of faded lovelinefs, and %^hen fan<Mified in the heart, and unfolded in the life, tven of fallen man, they poflefs a re- fidlefs charm, and furnifli fome faint idea of what he muft have been in a date of inno- cence. For the exercife of thofe fympathies, in all the paths of life, you will meet with pitiable 278 ADDRESS. objects who will prefent their miferies to your eye, and addrefs the moving eloquence of forrow to your heart. Always Men to this eloquence ; always pity this mifery, and if poffible, relieve it. Yes, whatever leas you may navigate, or to whatever part of the habitable world you may travel, carry with you your humanity. Even there divide your morfel with the deilitute ; defend the caufe of the opprefled ; to the fatherlefs be a father, and cover the (hivering limbs of the naked with your mantle. Even there, footh the difconiblate, fympathife with the mourner, brighten the countenance bedimmed with forrow, and like the GOD of mercy, (hed happinefs around you, and banifli mifery from before you. In all your ^intercGtirfe with mankind rigidly practice jujlice^ and fcrupulonjly adhere to the truth : other duties vary with varying circum- ilances. What would be liberality in one man, would be parfimony inanother. What would be valour on one occafipn,> would be temerity on another. But truth and juftice are immuta- ble and eternal principles , always facred and always applicable. In no circumilances how- ever urgent, or crifis however awful, can there be an aberration from the one or a dereliction of the other without fin. With refpecT: to every thing elfe, be accommodating, but here beunyielding and invincible. Rather carry your integrity to the dungeon or the fcaffold, than receive in exchange for it liberty and life. Should you ever be called upon to make ADDRESS. 279 your election between thefe extremes, do not hefitate. It is better prematurely to be fent to heaven in honour, than, having lingered on the earth, at laft to fink to hell in infamy. In every fituation, a difhoneft man is detefla- ble, and a liar is {till more fo. Truth is one of the faireft attributes of the Deity. It is the boundary which feparates vice from virtue the line which divides Heaven from Hell. Ft is the chain which binds the man of integrity to the throne of his GOD, and like the GOD to whofe throne it binds him, till his chain is difiblved, bis word may be relied on. Sufpending on this, your property, your reputation, your life, are fafe. But againit the malice of a liar, there is no fecurity. He can be bound by nothing. His foul is already repuifed to a returnlefs diftance from that Divinity, a fenfe of whofe prefence is the fecurity of virtue. He has hindered the lad of thofe moral ligaments which bind a mortal to his duty. And hav- ing done fo, through the extended region oi fraud and falfehood, with no bound to check nor limit to confine him, the dreaded enemy of innocence, he ranges ; w.hofe lips pollute even truth itfelf as it palTes through them ; and whofe breath, like the cadaverous mids of Hades, blails, and foils, and poifons as it touches. Finally, cherish and practice Religion. Man has been called, in diftinftion from the infe- rior orders of creation, a religious being, and juftly fo called. For, though his hopes and ADDRESS. fears may be reprefled, and the moral feelings of his heart ftifled for a feafon, nature, like a torrent which has been obltrutled, will break forth, and fweep away thofe frail works which fcepticifm may have erefted to divert its courfe. There is fomething fo repulfive in naked infidelity, that the mind approaches it with rduftance, fhrinks back from it with horror, and is never fettled till it refts on pofitive re- ligion. I am aware that, that fpirit of devotion, that fenfe of guilt and dread of punilhment, which pervade the human mind, have been attributed either to the force of habit or the influence of fuperflition. Let the appeal be made to human nature. To the petition of ir- religionifts on this article, human nature itfelf furnifhes the mod fatisfadory refutation. Re- ligion is the firft principle of man. It moots up from the very feat of life, it cleaves to the hu- man conftitution by a thoufand ligaments ; it intwines around human nature, and fends to the very bottom of the heart its penetrating tendrils. 'It cannot, therefore, be exterminated. The experiment has again and again been tri- ed, and the refult has always proved worthy of the rafh attempt. Young as you are, you have witnefFed, with a view to this extermination, the mofl def- perate efforts. But juft now, a formidable hofb of infuriated infidels were affembled. You heard them openly abjure their GOD. You faw them wreaking their vengeance on religi- ADDRESS. 28l on. For a feafon they triumphed.-- Before them every facred institution difappeared every confecrated monument fell to dull The fervours of nature were extingui(hed, and the lips of devotion paHied by their approach. With one hand they fcized the thunder of the heavens, and with the other fmoce HIS throne who inhabited them. It feemed to crumble at the ftroke Mounting its fancied ruins, BLASPHEMY waved its terrifick fceptre, and impiously looking up to thofe eternal heights where the Deity rciides, exclaimed, " VICTORY I" Where now are thofe dreaded enemies of our religion ? They have vanijhed from the fight. They were, but foon are no more* Nor have the coniequences of their exertions been more abiding. A great nation indeed, delivered from the rellraints of moral obliga- tion, and enfranchifed with all the liberties of infidelity, were proclaimed free. But have they continued ib ? No, their minds pre- fently recoiled from the difmal waite which fcepticifm had opened before them, and the cheerlefs darknefs which it had ipread around them. They fuddenly arrefted their Hep They retreated, in facincfs and farrow, from the paths which they had trodJcn. Theycon- fccratedagain, the temples which they had de- .Jiled : they rebuilt the altar which they had demolillied: they fightui for the return of that .religion which they had b-.nished, and fponta* neously promifed (u^auiiion to ics reign, Y 2 282 ADDRESS. What are we to infer from this ? -That religion is congenial to human nature that it is infeparable from it. A nation may be feduced into fcepticifm, but it cannot be con- tinued in it. Why, 5 would afk, has religion- exifled in the world in ages which are paft, why does it exift now, why will it exift. in a- ges to come ? Is it becaufe kings have or- dained, and priefts defend it ? No, but be- caufe God formed man to be religious. Its great and eternal principles, are infcribed in characters which are indelible ; nor can the violence of infidelity blot them out. Obfcur- ed indeed they may be by the influence of fin, and remr.in not legible during the rage of paffion. But a calm enfues : the calm of reafon, or the night of adverfity, from the midft of whofe darknefs, a light proceeds which renders the original infcription vifible. Man now turns his eye inward upon himfelf. He reads " refponsibih'fy," and as he reads, he feels a fenfe of fin and dread of punifh- ment. He now pays from necefiity a ho- mage to religion, a homage which cannot be withheld ; it is the homage of his nature. The queflion is not then, whether you will embrace religion ? Religion you muft embrace but whether you will embrace revealed religion, or that of erring and blind philofophy. And with refpecl; to this queitkm can you hesitate ? The. former has infinitely more to recom- mend it than the latter. It originated in heaven. It is founded not on conjecture, but ADDRESS. 283 on fact. Divinity manifefted itfclf in the perfon, and (hone in the life of its author. True, he appeared in great humility; but though the humility in which he appeared* had been greater than it was, either the fub- limity of his doctrines or the fplendour o his aQions had been fufficient to evince his Meffiahfhip, arid prove that he was the fa- viour of the world. He fpoke as man nev- er fpoke ! Whence did he derive wifdom fa tranfcendent ? From reafon ? No ; reafou could not give it, for it had it not to give, What reafon could never teach, the gofpel teaches \ that in the vaft and perfect govern- ment of the univerfe, vicarious fufferings can be accepted ; and that the dread fovereign^ who adminifters that government, is gracious as wellasjuft. Nor does it reft in declara- tion merely. It exhibits before our eyes, the altar and the vi6tim the lamb of Godj who taketh away the fins of the world. The introduction of chriftianity, was caL- led the coming of the kingdom of heavers No terms could have been more appropriate, for through it man fhared the mercy, and from it caught the fpirit of the heavens* The moral gloom which fhrouded the nations receded before it. The temples of fuperftiti- on and of cruelty, confecrated by its entrance, became the aflylum of the wretched, and refounded with their anthems of grace. Moft benign has been the influence of chriftianity, and were it cordially receivecj, and univerfally fubmitted to> war would 284 ADDRESS. ceafe, injuftice be baniflied, and primeval happinefs revifitthe earth. Every inhabitant pleafcd with his fituation, refigned to his lot, and full of the hopes of heaven, would pafs agreeably through life, and meet death with- out a figh. Is the morality of the gofpel pre-eminently excellent ? So is its object pre-eminently glorious. Philofophy, confines its views principally to this world. It endeavours to fa- tisfy man with the grovelling joys of earth, till he returns to that dull from which he \vas taken. Chritiianity, takes a nobler flight. Her courfe is dirc&ed towards immortality. Thither (be conducts her votary, and never forfakes him, till having introduced him into the fociety of angels, (he fixes his eternal re- iidence among the fpirus of the jutt. Philofophy, can heave a figh only, a long- ing figh, after immortality. Eternity is to her an unknown vail, over which fhe ioars on conjectures trembling wing. Above be- neath around is an unfathomable void ; and doubt, uncertainty and defpair, are the refult of all he r inquiries. Chriitianiiy on the other hand, having furniihed all neceflary information concern- ing life, with firm undaunted ftep, crofils death's narrow iithrm<s, and boldly launches forth into that dread futurity which borders on it. Her path is marked with glory. The once dark, dreary region, brightens as Ihe approaches it , and benignly fmiles as (he pailes over it. Faith follows where flie ad ADDRESS. 285 vances , till reaching the fummit of everlaft- ing hills, an unknown fcene, an endkfs variety of lovelinefs and beauty prefents itfelf, over which the raviihed eye wanders, without a cloud to dim or a l?mit to obftruft its fight. In the midil of this fcene, rendered luminous by the glory which covers it, the city the palace the throne of God appears ! Trees of life wave their ambrofial tops around it ; Rivers of fa'vation ifTue from beneath it. Be- fore it, angels touch their harps of living me- lody j and faints in fweet refponfe, breathe forth to the liltening heavens, their grateful fongs ! the breezes of Paradife waft the fym- phony, and the bending Iky directs it to the earth. The redeemed of the lord catch the diftant found, and feel a fudden rapture. It is the voice of departed friendlhip frierid- fliip, the lols of which they mourn upon the earth, but whijh they are now afTured will be reftored in the heavens , whence a voice is heard to fay, " Fear not ye, death can- not injure you ; the grave cannot confine you ; through its chill manfion grace will conduct you to glory. We wait your arri- val hade, therefore come away !" All this chriflianity will do for you. It will do more than this : it confecratts the fepulchre, into which your bodies, already touched by death, will prefently defcend. There, mouldered into dud, your flefli (hall reft in hope. Nor will the fcafon of its humiliation laft forever 5 chriRianity, faithful to her truft, appears for- ks redemption. She approaches and ftarjds 28*5 ADDRESS. before the tomb : (he ftretches out her fcep- tre and fmites the fepulchre. Its mofsgrown covering rends afunder. She cries to the fi- lent inhabitants within her energizing voice echoes .along the cold, damp vaults of death, renovating fkin and bones, and duft, and pu- trefadlion. Corruption puts on incorruption, and mortal immortality. Her former habi- tation, thus refined and fubiimated by the rfciurrediion, the exulting foul re-enters, and thenceforth the meafure of her joy is full ! Here thought and language fail me. In- fpiration itfelf defcribes the glories of futurity by declaring them indefcribabie. " Eye hath not feen, ear hath not heard, neither hath it entered into the heart of man to conceive, the things which are prepared for the people of God." What ideas are thefe ! how mult the foul exult at the profpecl:, and fwell at the amazing conception ! As chriltianity exhibits the mod enraptur- ing motives to the practice of virtue, fo it ur- ges the mod tremendous confiderations to deter from vice. She declares, folemnly and irrevocably declares, " That the wages of fin are death." And to enforce her declaration, {lie points to the concluding fcene of nature : when, amidll a departing heaven and a dif- folving world, the ion of man (hail defcend, with the voice of the archangel and the trump of God, to be glorified in his faints, and t/ike vengeance on his enemies ! Such is the gofpel and this gofpel I deliver to you. It is the moft invaluable gift 5 and I ADDRESS. 287 iblemnly adjure you to preferve it inviolate for- ever. Through whatever parr of God's creation you may wander, carry this with you. Confult it in profperity ; reibrt to it in trouble ; fhif.ld yourfelf withr it in danger, and reil your fainting head on it in death. More efficacious than the fabled ring it confecrates its keeper - 5 preferves his life, and eternizes his memory. While you prize and preferve this gift, your happinefs is fecure. The world may be convulfed around you, the elements difTolve, and the heavens de- part, dill your happinefs is fecure but Ihould you ever in an hour of rafhnefs, be tempted to caft it from you ; remember that with it, you call away your falvation li ts the lad hope of fmful, dying man. This gone all is loft ! Immortality is loll arrd loft alfo is the foul who might other- wife have inherited and enjoyed it. Under thefe impreffions, go forth into the world and may God go with you. MOON-LIGHT. Now leaning o'er this elevated fteep ! To view the glimmering fplendours of the deep, Lo ! o'er the waves, the moon's refulgent light Shines in full glory, and difpels the night ! While through the vaft expanfe, the ftarry hoft Seem in her brilliant path obfcurely loiV ! Bleft beam ! which to the fainting traveler's eyes Appear'ft in beauty through the boundless Ikies,' To guide his midnight footfleps through the gloom, And light him wand'ring to his native home. 88 SONNET. Who, long through wilds and difrnal terrours loft Beholds thy glory on forne flormy coaft, Chearful, he fmiles 1 nor thinks his journey long, The rocks re-echo to his pafling fong ! While from the clouds appears thy friendly ray Through th-e tall trees, to point his doubtful way ! M-ODERN SONNET. Penfive at eve, 6n the hard world I musM And my poor heart was fad : fo at the moon I gaz'd- and figh'd and figh'd ! for ah ! how foon Eve faddens into night. Mine eye peruf'd XVith fearful vacancy, the dampy grafs Which wept snd glitterM in the poly ray And I did paufe me on my lonely way And mufed me on thofe wretched ones U'lid pafs O'er the Mack heath of forrow But alas ! Moft of ir.yftlfl thought : when it befell That the iooth fpirit of the brezv wood BreathM in mine ear " All this is very well' 1 But much of one thing is for no thing good Ah ! my poor heart's inexplicable fwell I TO SIMPLICITY. O ! I do love thee, For of thy lays the lulling fimplenefs Goes to my heart, r.nd fooths each small difirefs ? Diftrefs though fmall yet haply great to me ! 5 Tis true on lady fortune's gentleft pad J amble on ; yet though I know net why So fad I am ! but fhould a friend and I Grow cool and miff O ! I am very fad ! And then with fonnets and with fympathy Mv dreamy bofom's myitic woes I pall, !Now of my falfe friend plaining plaintively Now raving at mankind in general : But whether fad or fierce, 'tis fimple all All very fimplej ttizckjimp/icity ! MOONLIGHT WALK. 289 A MOONLIGHT WALK. Allur'd by Cynthia's filver ray, With wand'ring iteps alone I iiray, Where solemn filence unmolefted reigns ,* Afar from dot's noxious light, T'enjoy the facred cairn or night, And liil'ning catch her fweetly plaintive (trains* From far the foft refponfive Cong, Born on the zephyr floats along, Nor ought is heard to interrupt the lay, Save where the wearied peafant fleeps, Secure while Tray the portal keeps, Whole hollow notes extend their lengthened way, Or where the folemn bird of night, Exulting in the azure light Bids echo's voice repeat the drowfy theme, Or crickets chirp beneath the thorn, Whofe twigs the glittering gems adorn That -fport reflected in the limpid ftream. PafsM is the fervid heat of day, Now bluft'ring fterms are far away ; Beneath the covert of the brambles fhade, The glow-worm's fhining lamp is feen, 'Ting'd faintly with a filver green, Spreading its radiance in the moonlight glade. Sweet is the lonely moonlight fcene, When all is tranquil and ferene, And weary nature finks in calm repofe : Yet many a downy pillow bears, A head perplex'd with tort'ring cares, That vainly feeks a refpite from its woes. Contentment flies the gilded dome And chufes for her envied home, The humble roof where peaceful virtue dwells; She there difplays her richefl ftores, And in the wounded bofom pours, Her ibothing balm and anxious fear difp.el, 90 CORYDON AND MYRA, / Grant me, O gentle Nymph thy fmile, Life's path uncertain to beguile, And round my lot diffufe thy cheering ray ; Let peace of mind and joy ferene, Calm as this filent lovely fcene, Sooth ev'ry grief and wipe each tear away. CORYDON AND MIR A. On the banks of a fmooth flowing ftream, There fat a young, beautiful fwain, Difappointment in love was his theme* And he Tent forth this forrowful flrain. ( Oh Mira, delight of my eyes " What maiden with thee can compare, " Alas ! love-fick Corydon dies, tl By thy cruelty, hard hearted fair. What though, I am lowly a ad poor, " Others rich, and in rank rather high, " Thou wilt not find one that has more, " Of love, and afle&ion that I. u Oh Mira, can thoufands of gold, " Can even the mines of Peru, ** Can greatnefs indifflrent or cold *' Ever equal the heart that is true. <c How happy ! before I had feen, " Thy blufh, like the rofes of morn, " Thy air that of beauty's fvveet queen, " Or the dimples thy cheeks that adorn : " Thy ringlets, that flow with fuch grace, '* Thy bofom a lily fo white, " Heard thy voice which more mufic conveys *' Than Philomel fongfter of night, " Before that unfortunate day, " The hours mov'd fwiftly along, " With the fliepherds fo cheerful and gay, '* I danc'd to the pipe and the fong. cc Now Flora and Zephyr in vain, " Attending the fprmg of the year, ** Deck with flow'rets, and verdure the plain, " They all cjifmal as winter appear. ODE. 29! " In vain where the rivulet flows, " At the foot of thefycamore tree, " As usual I ftrive to repofe, '* Alas ! there's no comfort for me. " If in woods or in myrtle alcoves, ** I wander, or thoughtful recline, " The birds while they warble their loves, " Caufe with envy my breaft to repine. 14 Through the grove every breeze feema to figh> " How ftrongly it dwells on my mind, ** Ah ! Corydon why do'nt you die, " Thy Mira is falfe and unkind. ** Then die hated youth life's career, " Arreft in a watery grave, " O'er thy fate fhe may fiied a fad tear, " Though the lover fhe fcorned to &yff<- He fung, and the flocks on the plain, Felt compaflion on hearing his moan ; From the bank where he fat, wretched fwain ! Hearofeand walk'd ieifurely home ! He to hang himfelf afterward* chofe, But in vain fent to neighbours around For a halter to end all his woes So he lives ftill quite merry and found. Yet fortune look'd on him with frowns, With Cupid he oft was at ftrife, 'Till an Old Woman <wortb ninety pounds^ So pleas'd him, he made her his wife ! ODE TO THE RIVER OCCCQUAN. Loft in a pleafmg wild furprize, I mark thy fountains round me rife, And in an artlefs current flow, Through dark and lofty woods below, That from the world the foul confine, And raife the thought to things divine ; Withdrawing as from either (here They bend their giant fhadows o'er Each dull and low desire of art, And with new feeling wake the heart. 2(>2 ODE. O facrcd ftream ! aflrangerl, Would ftay to fee thee patting by, And mark thee wand'ring thus alone, With varied turns fo like my own ! Wild, a a flranger led aftray, J fee thee wind in woods away ; And hafting through the trees to glide, As if thy gentle face to hide. While oft in vain thou would'ft return, To vifit here thy native urn : But like an exile dcomM no more To fee the fcenes he lov'd before, You wonder on, and wind in vain Difpers'd amid the boundlefs main j Here often on thy borders green Perhaps thy native fons were feen, Ere flaves were made, or gold was known, Or children from another zone Inglorious did, with axes rude Into thy noble groves intrude ; And forced thy naked fon to flee, To woojds where he might ft ill be free. And thou ! that art my prefcnt theme, O gentle fpirit of the llream ! Then too perhaps to thee was giv'f , A name among the race of heav'n f And oft ador'd by nature's child Whene'er he wander'd in the wild ; And oft perhaps bcfide thy flood, In darknefs of the grove he flood ; Invoking here thy friendly aid To guide him through the doubtful fhade : Till over-head the moon in view Through heav'ns blue field her chariot drew And ftiew'd him all thy wat'ry face, Reflected with a purer grace ; Thy many turnings through the trees Thy bitter journey to the leas. While oft thy murmurs loud and long Awak'd his melancholy fcr.g ; Which thus in fimplefirain begau^ Thou queen cf rivers ; Occcquan [ THE MOTHEK. 293 THE MOTHER. Oil ! I am rich j the Mother cries, And clafps her infant to her breaft. Bends o'er his feebly doling- eyes, Till fweetly footh'd he finks to reil. Oh ! I am rich ; Golconda's mines, From all their ftores could ne'er impart Sach pure, fuch exquiftte delight, As that which rufhes on my heart. Such vivid joy my bofbm fwells, I fcarce believe the impreffion true 5 I fcarce believe, whilft fancy tells, 'Tis my own baby that I view. Oh ! yes thou art indeed my own ; Why do thefe tears of rapture ftart? I feel a thrill before unknown, I feel the mother at my heart. To me thou ow'fl thy life my child ! ' And daily is the boon renew'd : Yet thanklefs babe ! thou hast not fmil'd To blefs thy mother for thy food. Ah ! when that fmile of calm content Firft o'er thy little cheek fhall play, So fvveet thy gratitude 'twill paint, That every cire 'twill overpay. No other (hares my tender care That fmile muft blefs no others view ; The foft carefs I cannot fpare, To me, my babe, alone, 'tis due. Yes, there is one my beauteous boy To thy embraces has a claim, My bofom's Lord, who feels the joy, To own a Father's facred name. Too keenly now the nerves of fenfej Vibrate to each impreffion POLAR STAR.. E're long they'll joy alone difpenfe And give thcfe pleafures ever new. Soon fhali thy feeble eye, which now- Scarce can endure the blaze of day ; Turn with, delight the dawn to viewy And drink with joy the genial ray. And fonn thy little ear fhall prove Ths difference of each varied tone, Soon fhill thy mother's voice of love Be by thy tender organs known. Each day new pleafures fhall appear, Each hour new charms fhall bring along j Soon fliall I catch with eager ear, The half formed accents of thy tongue. O'er fcenes, with fuch endearments fraught^ Oft fhall I bend with raptured eyes, Catch the firft rudiments of thought, And mark each new idea rife. With hopes like thefe my fancy glows, By language faintly poorly (hewn, The tranfport which a mother knows, A mother can conceive alone. Yes, lam rich ; ah ! why thofe cries ? Come let me hu, ( h my boy to reft, Clofe,clofe, fweet babe thy little eyes, And fink to flumber on my breaft. ADDRESS TO THE POLAR STAR-. Star of the north, how oft have T alone In midnight walks ador'd thy golden throne Remote from \ulgar fires thou doft retain Thy fphere forever in the ftarry plain, Fix'd to the pole thou never doft remove Far from the planet that prefervesthy love ; But to this orb, thy faithful fires confine True to thy truft with conftancy divine. BAKE DIRECTORY* 29$ To the Stockholders of Banks. Obferving that .uncommon intereft and ex- ertion are making to get into the Direclory, and that feveral diiTerent lids of names have been recommended to your confideration ^ we, believing ourfdves to be as well qualified as others to perform what we deem the /- terejling bujinefs of that inditution, difdain all underhand methods of recommending our- felves through the medium of others, and eome openly forward to offer ourfdves. And that you may corredly underftand our mo- tives for foliciting your (ufFrages, we will briefly and candidly (late our pretensions. We are not great, overgrown merchants* whofe large capital is fufficient to fupply all our wants, nor are we yojng mercru us n >r regular tradefmen, for whofe benefit, it is errpneoujly fuppofed, Banks were indituted ;. but we are men who know and have felt the falutary influence of the banking fydem, who have made mod of what we poilefs through its agency, who have been and dill are ready at all times to accommodate our friends when it can be done conveniently. It is true, that fome of us do not hold many (hares, but yet we are monied men, .and are condantly occupied in money matters ; dock, and notes of every kind are perpetually coming before us, and going from us ; and, as fometimes we deal largely vz& /peculate boldly the additional fum, of 27,000 dollars regular difcount, and 30* or 40,030 dollars befides, will be ex- tremely acceptable and ufeful to us. We (hall' BANK DTRECTOnr. lay ourfelves out to be as accommodating as poffible to our friends and regular cuftomers - 7 and that we may be particularly fo to them, we (hall make it a point to re j eft all other pa- per that may interfere with our immediate in- tereil ; this will be doing the poor difap- pointed devils no injury, becaufe the funds which we draw out of the inllitution will en- able us to ferve them at fecond-hand. To be fure we only pay fix per cent, ourfelves, but the extreme anxiety and exertion which it eotts us to get into this fituation, the trouble which we and our brokers are at to difcover the fituation and wants of others, and our zeal to relieve their diftrefics, cannot be confidered as overpaid at an intereft of three per cent, pet month : besides by fo doing, we prevent tbe inllitution from being troubled with fmall matters, which ought not to take up their time and attention, and take all the trouble and rifle Upon ourfelves. We hope thefe obfervations will be atten- tively confidered, and if they b , the refu t muft be favourable to us. Confide r all you who wifh to be favoured and accommodated \ what would be the confequence if only ac- tual notes given for value received were to be difcbunted ? Why it would be faid that fewer Banks would be fuflicient to anfwer every fair and ufeful purpofe of trade and com- merce, and in that cafe, many large fums of the (lockholders money now in the hands of judicious individuals, and employed in the moft and interejling manner f would be with-* ODE. 2p7 held, and who can fay what would be the confequences. The friend/y praftice of reci- procating names and notes would ceafe, and that decent and religious cuftom called Jlavivg would be generally neglected. Obadiah Gripe. Timothy Snatch. Judas Holdfaft. Peter Lather-well. Simon Clcfe-cut* ODE. Tell me, where's the vi'let fled, Late fo gaily blowing, Springing 'r.eath fair Flora's tread, Chpiceft fweets beft owing ? Swain the vernal fcene is o'er, And the vi'let blooms no more ! Say, where hides theblufhing rofe, Pride of fragrant morning, Garland meet for beauty's brows ; Hill and dale adorning ? Gentle rnaid, the fummer's fled> And the helplefs rofe is dead"! Bear me then to yonder rill, Late fo freely flowing, Watering many a daffodil On its margin glowing. Sun and windexhaufts its ftore ; Yonder riv'let glides no more ! Lead me to the bowVy (hade, Late with rofes flaunting ; Lov'd refort of youth ana maid, Am'rous ditty chaunting. Hail and ficrrn, with fury (howY ; Leaflefs mourns the riikd bow'r ! WINTER PIECE. Say where bides the village maid, Late yon cot adorning, Oft I've met her in the glade, Frefti and fair as morning ? Swain, how ftiort is beauty's boon i Seek her in her graffy tomb ! Whither roves the tuneful fwain, Who, of rural pleafures, Rofe and vi'let, rill and plain, Sung in foiteit meafures ? Maiden, fwift life's vifion's flies, Death hath clos'd the poet's eyes ! TO MARY. The bluft'ring winds are hufVd on high, The darken'd clouds are ail withdrawn, And Stealing to the weftern iky The evening fhades move o'er the lav/n* The woodland pours its fweeteft fong That foftly finks as day retires ; And as it dies the vale along, A harmony of foul infpires. Calm as this clofing hour of day, And blefl with harmony as fweet ; May Mary's feafons glide away, And peace and joy her wifnes meet ; And may no dark relentlels ftorm Her tranquil happinefs deform. A WINTER PIECE. i* Dread JOINTER comes at loft to clofe the fcenc?'~ . . Yes winter comes ! * Tis but a moment fmce the fmittng Spring On Zephyr's downy wing rejoicing carne, And op'd and kifTd the coyly blufhing rofe. Then nature from her deep awoke serene, And drefs'd herfelf anew. At his approach Tall hills of fnow ran down with gratitude j. EPITAPH. 299 The lofty mountains rais'd their melting heads, And in the face of heaven, wept for joy : The little riv'lets ran to find the fea, And join'd to fwell the thankful fong of praife. But ah ! their joy was fhort ! their fongs have ceas'd ; All nature fleeps again : dread Winter's here The Lapland Giant comes with pendant ice, Chili horror (hooting from his gelid chin ; Nor lakes, nor feas, can ftop his rough career : He builds his bridge acrofs old ocean s breaft. Affrighted, Sol retires with hafty flrides, And dares not obliquely downward look, On his once conquer'd, now his conquering foe. The earth is all in weeds of mourning clad, To wail the lofs of her departed friend : Th' unconquer d evergreen is left alone, And nods defiance to the northern blaft. This mirror paints the fate of changing man. This moment youth, with all its opening charms, In playful mood, fits laughing in his face : His iwelling heart now beats with fanguine hope Of fatisfying blifs, and full-blown joy : He hugs himfelfin his fantalHc dream, And thinks that nought can blaft the vernal flow'r : But, while anticipation gilds the wing of hope, The frigid hand of Time with furrows deep His forehead ploughs ; and blights the pleafing view. * Then let fair Virtue's feed in youth be fown ; 1 'Twill prove an evergreen in hoary age, ' And flourifh in the winter of our years : * 'Twill waft us to the realms of peace and love, 1 To tafte th* ecstatic blifs of faints on high : * There happinefs will f'pring without alloy, 6 And feraphs chaunt their never ending Jir EPITAPHIUM CHYMICUM. Here lieth to digeft> macerate, and Amahamate with Clay, In Balneo Anna, 300 EPITAPH* Stratum fuper Stratum^ The Refidtmrri) Terra damnata & Caput Mortuum Of BOYLE GODFREY, CHYMIST, and M. D. A Man, \vho in this Earthly Laboratory^ Purfued various Procejfis to obtain Arcanum Vitc?, Or, the Secret to live : Alfo, Aurum Vitce^ Or, the Art of getting, rather than making Gold. Akhymljl like, All his Labour and Projection, As Mercury in the Fire, Evaporated in Fumo. When he diffoh-ed to his firfl Principles, He departed as poor As the laft Drops of an Akmblc ; For Riches are net poured On the Adepts of this World. Though fond of News, he carefully avoided The Fermentation^ Effer'vefcence And Defcripitation of this Life. Full Seventy Years his exalted EJJcnce Was Hermetically ftaled in its Terrene Matt raft \ But the radical Moifiure being exkaujlcd) The Elixir-Vita fpent, And rxftccated to a Cuticle ; He could not Svfpend longer in his Vehicle^ But precipitated Gradatim, Per Campanam^ To his Original Duft. May that Light, brighter than Rologman PbcfphoruS) preferve him fcr the Atkancr, Empyreuma^ and Re*ver- bcratory Furnace of the other World. ; Depurate him from the F<eces and Scoria of this, Highly Rectify and Volatilize His atberial Spirit, Bring it over the Hdm of the Retort of this Globe, Place it in a proper Recipient or Chryjlaline Orb, Among the Fled of the Flowers of Benjamin j Never to be fat if rated till the General RefuJ cit Defctgratiwi Calcination, And Sublimation of all Things. FINIS. 14 DAY USE RETURN TO DESK PROM WHICH BORROWED LOAN DEPT. This book is due on the last date stamped below, or on the date to which renewed. Renewed books are subject to immediate recall. o/viQVfi\N?ft RECTO 1OD foOV 1 5 1961 FEB 2 8 1982 m 2861 8 83J (U38 LD 21A-50m-8,'61 (Cl795slO)476B General Library University of California