31 57 I B 3 727 a Little ii ?H" "Such a Little Queen A COMEDY IN FOUR A BY CHANNING POLLOCK COPYRIGHT, 1908, BY CHANNING POLLOCK. COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY SAMUEL FRENCH. ALL. RIGHTS RESERVED CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warn- ed that "SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN," being fully pro- tected under the copyright laws of the United States, is subject to a royalty, and any one presenting the play without the consent of the owner or his authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided, pplication for amateur acting rights must be made j SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New i'ork. NEW YORK SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHES 28 30 WEST 38TH STREET LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. 26 SouTHAMPToit STBBET STRAND Especial notice should be taken that the possession of thi book without a valid contract for production first hav ing been obtained from the publisher confers no righ or license to professionals or amateurs to produce th play publicly or in private for gain or charity. In its present form this play is dedicated to the read in public only and no performance of it may be give except by special arrangement with Samuel Frencl 28-30 West Thirty-eighth Street, New York City. SECTION 28 That any person who wilfully or for prof shall infringe any copyright secured by this act, o who shall knowingly and wilfully aid or abet such ir fringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeano: and upon conviction shall be punished by imprisor ment for not exceeding one year, or by a fine or nc less than one hundred nor more than one thousan dollars, or both, in the discretion of the court. Act of March 4, 1909. 5531 PREFACE Chronologically, there are three kinds of plays: Those behind their time, which are the failures; those abreast of their time, which are the successes, and those ahead of their time, which are likely to be the good plays. Good play or bad, it took ten years, and a world- war, to justify "Such a Little Queen." Produced today, the piece might be mistaken for a satire on current events. A decade ago, when it was disclosed at the Hackett Theater, the fly in the amber of gratifyingly and unanimously enthusiastic review was frank skepticism. "Mr. Pollock takes pains to assure us," said Life, "that kings in exile have been compelled to live like commoners, but he does not quite make us believe it." "According to this comedy," observed another periodical, "thrones are tippy things, and monarchs in the plural are quite likely to be jolted off them." Incredible ! As a matter of fact, Mr. Pollock had not taken pains to assure anybody that his hero and heroine were within the realm of the real. True, the story had been suggested by a newspaper clipping that told of a Greek prince employed in New York. True, Alphonse Daudet had dealt seriously with poverty- stricken royalty in "Kings in Exile." Equally true that, to please a box-office-wise management, I had diplomatically "recalled" the instances of moneyless monarchy you v/ill find mentioned in the program. But whatever "pains" were connected with "Such i 2 PREFACE a Little Queen" had been devoted to making clear its sheer fancifulness ; to painting sign-posts that might identify what the New York Sun discerningly called "A fairy tale of Harlem." Fairies and Har- lem don't go very well together, I grant you but that was the very idea! The humor of grotesque contrast ; the "surface outcroppings of a real philos- ophy" I am quoting a letter from Augustus Thomas suggested by subjecting royalist tradition to com- mon sense ; the pathos of setting down in the midst of common sense, and very common people, a gal- lant little lady who had had scant experience with either ! Most of all, there was the temptation to show that a label doesn't "change what's in the can" that a man's a man whether "he wears a crown or a straw hat." Pretty obvious that, but we had had a long line of Zendas, and Graustarks, with princes who were pompous puppets, until, in this democ- racy, most of us would have exclaimed, with Mary, "Whoever heard of a snub-nosed Queen !" Nobody had not even the Queen herself, who had "had this nose near nineteen years," but had to come to America to hear the truth about it. That, as I have remarked, was the humor of the situation, and also its difficulty. Nobody had heard of a snub- nosed Queen, or could conceive of one, and almost everybody insisted upon taking her, and me, and the whole scheme literally. This in spite of the sign-posts, of which, I sub- mit, there are many. Could any struggling author characterize his work more plainly than in having his hero remark : "And so you are a fairy Queen ?" And his heroine reply : "Yes. I am not in an ugly old kitchen at all. I am in a beautful, green-covered book, and I have lived as far as the fiftieth page." "Why the fiftieth?" PREFACE 3 "Because that is generally where the King comes in." Could anyone reveal a mood of extravagance more unmistakably than in causing his Queen to move about a kitchen in her coronation robe, and mash potatoes with her sceptre ? Of course, I am wrong in saying that "everybody insisted upon taking . . . the whole scheme liter- ally." It was lost upon most of our auditors, naturally, because, as "it takes a thief to catch a thief," so it takes a poet to catch a poet, and nobody ever got more out of a play than he brought to it. (Don't take me too literally here, either, kindly reader. I do not mean that I am a poet ; only that this work was meant to be in a vein of poesy.) But never did theatrical offering bring warmer and heartier response from critics, from the thoughtful among theater-goers. Ten years after, I find thrill and amusement in going over my scrap-book of clip- pings and letters ; the only scrap-book I have ever kept, because "Such a Little Queen" is almost the only play I ever wrote that was worthy of a scrap- book! "It contains much of the fantasy and whimsical- ity of Barrie," said The Telegraph. "A resounding, overwhelming, unqualified success!" "A pretty fairy story, delicately told," observed The Times; "a dainty love story related with charm and fragrance." To which The Tribune added : "Mr. Pollock gave a young actress, Miss Elsie Ferguson, an opportunity of which she made good use." And then the letters ! Letters from Augustus Thomas, and Booth Tark- ington, with one from Richard Le Gallienne, which described "How delighted, how forgetful of reality which is the end of all art you had made four 4 PREFACE world-weary men. Yet using reality in so rainbow a fashion, and showing, as I have seldom seen it shown upon the stage, how poetic tragi-comedy is really a sort of prism in which that strange ray we call human life is deliciously broken into mysteri- ously different and yet so mysteriously related colors." Heigh-ho ! I shall be being told it isn't modest to talk this way of one's own work, but it is hard not to write affectionately of "Such a Little Queen" I loved her so well, and worked over her so hard, and was so long bringing her to her throne in Forty- second Street ! And she rewarded me so bounti- fully! So that, in spite of a metropolitan run that lasted only a trifle more than three months, after ten years I find this still the best-known of my plays, and that which has helped me most in public esti- mation. "The philosophy" of "Such a Little Queen" proved infinitely more complicated than may appear from its "surface outcroppings." I was two months trying to decide whether Anna Victoria should marry "Meester" Trainor or Stephen IV ! Two dis- tracted months, during which my desk was de- serted, and Anna Victoria left static with her lamb chops in St. Nicholas Avenue! To be popular, I felt sure, the comedy should end with victory for Trainor and "The Star-Spangled Banner." Only, as one of Oscar Wilde's characters said of the pro- posal that he marry the mother of his child, that seemed "so damned conventional !" On the other hand, who was I a poor scribbler with a large family to set himself against a tra- ditional happy ending? Dozens of books had been written, and millions sold, in which the athletic young American who swung over the palace wall in Chapter I had proved incontrovertibly the superior- PREFACE 5 ity of the civil engineer or travelling salesman when American to any King, and so romped off with the Queen in Chapter XXXIII. I knew, of course, as you know, that, everything else being equal, the fundamental advantage lay with the King that "a man with royal blood in his veins should be the finest kind of a man." Particularly after the nonsense had been knocked out of him. Knocking out the nonsense was the scheme of "Such a Little Queen," and it seemed to me the truest patriotism, the best-justified pride in our institutions, to show the superiority of those institutions, rather than of the individual, by their effect upon the individual. However, I couldn't recall any author who had made a lot of money by doing that! More important still, I could not conceive the union of foreign royalty with native democracy as a truly happy ending. Trainor, I was sure, would find that "being a prince concert must be like being married to a suffragette." "A donkey's as good as a nightingale, and a darned sight more useful ! But a donkey's not like a nightingale, and, the world over, like likes like." A Queen should "marry the man she loves," but the probability is that a Queen, looking for her fairy Prince, will love a King especially when he has become a man ! "You were of my kind of my own people." My whole point was that thrones were comparatively unimportant things; that, when love came, the embassy could wait. . . . But our public is not fastidious about its happy endings. If everybody who deserves to be is happy at 10:50, nobody cares a hang what is likely to happen after that. ... I decided to be popular, and bestow my Queen upon the general manager of Lauman & Son! Not a good fairy story, perhaps,, but good business ! ^ Stephen IV won me, as he won Anna Victoria. P PREFACE When the troubles that were new to him, but "in the kindergarten class" for most of his people had taught their lesson; when he had suffered from laws like those he had made ; when he had "lost his ermine and rolled up his shirt sleeves," there was no longer any question who should marry the Queen btephen wanted the best man to win, and I think he does. Trainor had his opportunity to be "best man when he came over and knocked "at your back door and a compensation worth while in Elisabeth. All the people in "Such a Little Queen" are pleas- am people with the possible exception of Mr Quigg and that is one of the pleasant things about the play. The immutable Baron Cosaca, forty years at court, and too old to be changed by a mere revo- lution ; grandiloquently resigning "his portfolio" even while looking for a job ; vindicating himself as a diplomat and a useful person by getting rid ot Quigg when that gentleman was about to evict a pair of sovereigns too busy planning new aque- ducts to bother about a little thing like rent how delightful was Baron Cosaca in the hands of George W. tfarnum And how sane and practical, as played by Ralph Stuart, was Adolph Lauman, who had nursed his daughter's "nobility bug because I thought it would tickle her to wear a crown or a cornet!" Of these performances, and the others, more anon Mever was a more uniformly admirable cast . have said that "Such a Little Queen" was su?- g ^ tC< ? y 5 . nei Y?P a P er clipping. I should have added, "and by Bayard Veiller." That was 'way back in 1906 or '07. Mr. Veiller, then a press agent hardly dreaming that he was to write "Within the Law" and "The Thirteenth Chair," lunched with me one day at Rector's. He had a sheaf of cuttings relating to the success in vaudeville of his wife, PREFACE 7 Margaret Wycherly. On the back of one of these extracts was a news item about Prince Constantine of Greece, who had just secured a position in New York at fifteen dollars a week. Mr. Veiller had been quick to see the possibilities of the incident, and already had planned a story. "I'll give you a hundred dollars," I said, "not to write it !" The prospective author of "Within the Law" ac- cepted, and I acquired exclusive rights to Prince Constantine ! As has been hinted, I was a long time getting ready to work on "Such a Little Queen." In the first place, I required two kingdoms "about the size of Newark" for which I could manufacture history, and, because of the Zendas and Graustarks, I didn't want them to be mythical. My friend, Professor Edwin Pahlow, then of Princeton, dug up Bosnia and Herzegovina because nobody had ever heard of } eml There were innumerable other problems. Would people find my story more easily believed if it began with a prologue showing the throne and the revolution that drove out Anna Victoria and Bimbi? This, certainly, was the obvious thing to do, and I had learned not to rely too much upon the imagination of theater-goers. Ultimately, I de- cided against the more elementary method, and, al- though, when I was in despair of getting a producer, William A. Brady offered to take the piece for Grace George if I would consent to that prologue, I still think I chose the better way. The rebellion was visualized in the motion picture version, which starred Mary Pickford, and in the comic opera, which starred Mizzi Hajos, and it was right in those two forms of entertainment, but it would have been rather primer-like for a fairy play. The piece was taking form in January, 1908, when my dramatization of "The Secret Orchard" failed 8 PREFACE at the Astor. That failure had driven my managers into bankruptcy, and the managers of the Astor to tossing a coin to determine which of two other fail- ures failures on the road they should bring into their theater. The play that won, and made a for- tune, was moving in, and the cast of "The Secret Orchard," which had not received its salaries, was smiling at scenery stencilled "Paid in Full," when, at the back of the house, I bumped into Charles Frohman. " The Secret Orchard' is amazingly well-written," he said, "but why write it? When I saw The Little Gray Lady/ I told you that, if you ever turned out another piece of that agreeable de- scription, I would produce it." "I have an idea now," I retorted, "that should make an agreeable play." "C. F." sailed for England the next morning, and, at his suggestion, I had a short scenario of "Such a Little Queen" on his desk at midnight. The scen- ario was accepted by cable, three acts were sent to Paris, and accepted, and when Mr. Frohman got back to New York, the comedy was announced for production in September. Anna Victoria, I believe, was to have been played by Billie Burke. Two weeks later the manuscript was returned to me with- out a word. Letters begging for a reason brought none, and the mystery of Mr. Frohman's sudden disapproval was heightened, shortly after the pre- miere at the Hackett, when the manager again opened negotiations, this time looking to an open- ing in London with Marie Lohr. A few months ago, years after the tragic death of "C. F.," I heard, rather directly, that he had abandoned his idea of presenting "Such a Little Queen," not because he didn't like it, but because Maude Adams did. Other contracts prevented his giving her the play, and, under the circumstances, PREFACE 9 he was unwilling to give it to anyone else. This story may or may not be true ; I mention it merely as an indication of what chances govern good for- tune and bad in the theater. The ensuing season was devoted to industrious but futile salesmanship. "Such a Little Queen" was offered to twenty-three different managers, and re- jected. Finally, when the card that recorded my efforts was quite full, I succeeded in interesting that good friend and wise manager, Henry B. Harris destined, like Mr. Frohman, to find his last resting place in the waters of the Atlantic. Mr. Harris intended the piece for Gertrude Elliott, but the "young actress," Elsie Ferguson, had given conspicu- ous promise in "Pierre of the Plains" and "The Travelling Salesman," and, ultimately, we decided that she should play Anna Victoria. A few weeks after her appearance in the part, Miss Ferguson's name went into the electric sign, and she has been a star ever since ! To both of us young actress and young play- wright the fate of our undertaking meant much. I remember a facetious agreement that, if the piece failed, we would leave the theater flat and elope to Africa. That was the only time, perhaps, that I ^weakened a bit in praying for the success of "Such a Little Queen." We worked hard all summer, and the week before opening in New York brought me the longest period of consecutive labor I have ever experienced. A hundred and twelve hours without an hour's rest or a moment's sleep ! We had reached New Haven on Sunday morning, and our dress rehearsal lasted from seven in the evening until dawn of the next day. That was my first night out of bed. Monday, with the initial performance imminent, we were much too excited for rest. Besides, there were interviews to be given, io PREFACE and a thousand and one details requiring attention. Before an audience, the third act fell to pieces failed utterly of its effect. We were to invite judg- ment on Broadway the following Monday. Any- thing that was to be done had to be done immedi- ately. Mr. Harris ; his father, the late William Har- ris ; James Forbes ; the stage director, Frank Keenan, and I went to Mr. Harris' room and there discussed our difficulty until daybreak. It had been decided then that I was to catch the first train to town, write a new third act, and bring it back in the evening. That was my second night out of bed. Tuesday I wrote' a new third act, engaged an actor for a new role in it, wired the company to meet me on the stage after the performance, and caught an eight o'clock train for New Haven. W r e rehearsed from eleven o'clock until time for break- fast. That was my third night out of bed. Wednesday I witnessed a matinee and an evening performance of the old third act, making notes for further improvements. A final rehearsal was called for half an hour after the curtain descended on the latter presentation. From the theater we went di- rectly to the train that carried us to Hartford. That was my fourth night out of bed. We rehearsed all afternoon in Hartford. Thurs- day evening, in the middle of the new third act, which we were trying before Mr. Harris, Miss Fer- guson's mind suddenly became a blank. Standing in the first entrance, I attempted to give her the lines she had forgotten. They had ceased to mean anything to her. All at once, she began sobbing and rushed from the stage. Frank Gillmore, in the role of the King of Bosnia, remarked, "My God, I think she loves me yet," and followed her to the protection of the wings. The speech in question was perfectly all right, except for the fact that our PREFACE ii heroine hadn't said a word about not loving the King. That part of the new third act was still fifteen minutes off when we lost the Queen of Herzogovina. Menifee Johnstone, who had come down to New Haven with me on Tuesday, and who never had seen the play, found himself, at the end of the third act, in undisputed possession of the center of the stage and the rest of it ! He strolled down to the footlight trough, dropped upon both knees, raised both hands to heaven, and ex- claimed : "God save the King !" After we had got him back of the curtain, which, rung down in haste, twice had descended between him and his kind, Mr. Keenan told the mystified audience that Miss Fer- guson had succumbed to the heat. A week later the play did just that. Following a triumphant first-night, and the most remarkable criticisms imaginable, we entered upon an unusually torrid August, and for that reason, and other rea- sons, our offering never quite found its public. Most of its public, indeed of the public that might have cared for fantasy were still at mountains and seashore. Nevertheless, we had three pretty good months in town, and a season on the road, besides such enthusiastic recognition as has brought "Such a Little Queen" into histrionic history as a con- spicuous success. A fateful success for all of us ! Miss Ferguson, whose "use" of the "opportunity" given her by Anna Victoria had made her a star over-night, continues to be one of our most popular actresses. During the run of the play, Jesse Lasky, then just out of vaudeville, afterward head of the Lasky motion- picture company, and now one of the owners of the Famous Players, suggested my turning the comedy into a musical comedy. I declined, although, a few years later, with Rennold Wolf and Reginald de 12 PREFACE Koven, I adopted the suggestion, and produced "Her Little Highness." However, in refusing that pro- posal, I made another, which was to combine with my friend Rennold Wolf, who was eager to break into play-writing, and prepare a vehicle for Sam Bernard. The result was "The Red Widow," after- ward presented by Raymond Hitchcock. Mr. Lasky and Mr. Harris rejected "The Red Widow," and asked us to furnish the opening piece for the new Folies Bergere, New York's first cabaret, whose expensive failure failed to vanquish Mr. Lasky, but, indirectly, sent Mr. Harris to his death on the Titanic. Mr. Wolf continued writing musical com- edy, and, turned from the path of my original am- bition, I had collaborated with him on nine, when I went back to my first love with "Roads of Des- tiny" and "The Crowded Hour." Miss Ferguson's was only one of the fine per- formances in "Such a Little Queen," which had the advantage of unusual individual excellence. Mr. Gillmore, to whom fell the difficult task of making credible a king in a kitchen, was superb. A year or so ago, in a Lambs' Gambol where several notable actors reappeared in their favorite characters, I was thrilled to see Mr. Gillmore again in the last-act uniform of Stephen IV. I have seldom witnessed better acting than that of Mr. Barnum, as the Baron ; Mr. Stuart, as Lauman, and Miss Ralph, as Mary. Almost equally good were Mr. Byrne and Miss Lawson. My belated thanks to all of them, and a tender moment of recollection for the two Mr. Harris and Mr. Stuart who are gone. Tetnpus fugits, and I myself have ceased to be the "young" playwright of the days of "Such a Little Queen." It was during the rehearsals of the play's musical version that a husky chorus man, with the bulk of the village blacksmith, told me he PREFACE 13 had played "the little boy on the fence" in "The Little Gray Lady." But "Such a Little Queen" is not old. In going over the manuscript, for this publication, I found nothing outworn except such trifling anachronisms as mention of a peek-a-boo waist and the wages paid Mary. Peek-a-boo waists are now too frank and too frequent to be called that, and one no longer gets even such a cook as Mary at five dollars! Fundamentally, as I ex- plained in my first paragraphs, "Such a Little Queen" is truer today than when she made her bow at the Hackett. And I am still proud of her! Very proud! I have written twenty-two plays, and nearly seven million words! Of these latter, certainly six mil- lion nine hundred and ninety thousand might as well never have been written. If I am to rest with you my claim to being a dramatist, I am content to let that claim depend upon the conversation between the two women in the last act of "The Crowded Hour"; upon the mosaic work in "Roads of Des- tiny"'; upon "The Little Gray Lady" and "Such a Little Queen." CHANNING POLLOCK. The Parsonage, Shoreham, L. I, October 12, 1919. Such a Little Queen" Original Company in Henry B. Harris' production at the Hackett Theater, New York, August 31, 1909. THE PERSONS (In the order in which they appear.) MARY Jessie Ralph BARON COSACA, PRIME MINISTER OF HERZOGOVINA George W. Barnum ANNA VICTORIA, QUEEN OF HERZOGOVINA Elsie Ferguson NATHANIEL QUIGG Louis R. *Grisel ROBERT TRAINOR Francis Byrne ADOLPH LAUMAN Ralph Stuart ELISABETH LAUMAN Eleanor Lawson STEPHEN IV, KING OF BOSNIA. . . .Frank Gillmore CORA FITZGERALD Gertrude Barrett MARGARET DONNELLY Marion Little HARRY SHERMAN Stanley G. Wood * A MESSENGER. William Cohan x- COUNT MAVICHEC Kraft Walton GENERAL MYRZA Menifee Johnstone COLONEL HAUPT. Arthur A. Klein ^ PRINCE NIKLAS A. W. Neuendorf An ice man, a porter, a butler, and two workmen. THE PLACES ACT I The kitchen of a flat in St. Nicholas Avenue. Tuesday, May 12. ACT II The offices of Lauman & Son in lower Broadway. Thursday, June n. ACT III The parlor of the flat in St. Nicholas Avenue. Tuesday, July 14. ACT IV The porch of the Lauman home at Irvington-on- Hudson. Wednesday, July 75. TIME : The Present. PLACES : In and about New York. Staged by Frank Keenan. NOTE. The author begs to admit having manu- factured history for Bosnia and Herzogovina. Also, to recall to the minds of the audience several well- known instances of monarchs who have experienced poverty in exile ; among the number, Napoleon III, Louis Philippe, and Theodore I of Corsica. ;< Such a Little Queen' SCENE : The kitchen of an apartment in St. Nich- olas Avenue. Doors R. 2 and R.C.E. Against wing running at L. angles from above door R.2E. a china cupboard and ice box. Cupboard is filled with dishes, knives, forks, etc., etc. On the ice box is a bird cage and canary and a Ger- man military helmet of the Imperial Guards. Against Return down R. and facing audience a steamer trunk containing a hat box which holds a royal crown and sceptre. In the trunk also is a handsome sword such as are worn by ladies when appointed to honorary commands by ruling sovereigns. The trunk has several posters on it of the Austro -Italian Steamship Line. At back two windows beyond which a fire-escape and railing. On the fire-escape a small garbage can. Directly across at back a drop showing two (transparent) windows of house opposite. Three feet back of this again small interior drop. A four-light strip of am- ber between the two back drops. Over door the electric bell usual in Harlem flats. Against L. flat wash tubs, and below wash tubs in flat a dumb waiter (practical) with door to side. Up and down through the R. of the dumb waiter in the wall a speaking tube and whistle. The lat- ter practical. Over the wash tubs a shelf on which are various canisters, boxes of breakfast food, cooking utensils, kitchen clock, etc. Against or running at L. angles from L. flat a practical sink with drain pipe connecting with 7 8 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN a bucket back of the flat. At sink a dripping- board and hot and cold water faucets. Above it a shelf on which are more kitchen utensils. Hanging on nails from edge of shelf a profu- sion of kitchen forks, spoons, egg-beater, match safe, etc. A small gas range against flat down L. Small shelf over it. This range must be practical and fitted with electrical cook- ing plate. One lid is off at back of range show- ing fire from an amber lamp in it. On the range is a tea kettle containing hot water. Also a ves- sel to boil potatoes in. On the dripper a wooden bowl, on the zvash tubs a tin dish pan containing eight or ten potatoes. Kitchen table c. with kitchen chairs R., L. and back of it. Hanging over it a single gas jet just out of reach of a small woman. This gas jet must have a globe to conceal an electric light which goes on at cue. A small mirror hangs to R. of water faucet on wall. Chair at corner of jog R. IT Is Six O'CLOCK THE EVENING OF MAY I2TH. Just before curtain rises, several sharp, shrill whistles from dumb waiter are heard. Curtain rises, whistles continue. The rope in dumb waiter moves up. AT RISE: MARY, a servant, enters from R.C.E. Whistle. Interval. Whistle. The whistles continue until MARY speaks into dumb waiter. MARY. (Going to dumb waiter) Well well what is it? ICE-MAN. (Outside) Ice! MARY. (Speaking into dumb waiter) Fine time to be bringing ice. Where've you been ? ICE-MAN. (Outside) On the speedway ! Where Id'ye tink? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 9 MARY. Ah ! Save your gab to hurry the horses. (The dumb waiter comes up with small piece of ice on it. MARY withdraws her head to avert collision. Takes off the ice and calls into dumb waiter) Here, do you call this tin cints' worth of ice ? (Then x. to ice box. The dumb waiter is heard to descend. The BARON COSACA enters from R.C.E. He is smok- ing a cigar. A distinguished-looking man of sixty, he wears afternoon frock clothes, with the red rib- bon of a decoration in his buttonhole. Also wears time BARON has money on table. MARY xes to it, gets it, sees what it is, goes R. looking at it) Twenty dollars. (Bell rings off R.2E .) QUEEN. (Turning to her) See who waits. MARY. I ain't working here any more. QUEEN. (Coming down to her) Go! (Then with keen humor) Go at once, or I will have you se- cretly poisoned! SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 17 MARY. (Stares at her a moment. The QUEEN'S face does not relax.) For the love of God ! (Exits hastily R.2E. Instantly the QUEEN bursts into laugh- ter. Still laughing xes to L., goes to the sink, and inspects her nose in mirror) BARON. (Xing to R. front of T.) Your Majesty, twenty dollars is a fourth QUEEN. Peace, Baron ! It is worth that sum for once to hear the truth. I have had this nose near nineteen years, yet no lady of the court was ever brave enough to say what said that servant ! (Re-enter MARY. She is still frightened) MARY. The landlord. ("BARON turns. MARY e^its quickly. The QUEEN hangs up mirror and takes off apron. MARY reappears in doorway, fol- lowed by QUIGG, but bars him with her arms until QUEEN speaks) QUEEN. Admit him. ( MARY exits R.C.E. QUIGG comes to R.c.J Enter, sir. QUIGG. Thanks. (Xes to R. of T. and sits. As he does) BARON. fR.c. Stepping forward protestingly) If you please. (The QUEEN restrains him with a gesture) QUIGG. I've been in twice before, Mrs. Beg pardon. What's the name ? QUEEN. (-L.C.) Anna. QUIGG. Eh? QUEEN. Anna. QUIGG. Of course, I couldn't call you Anna, meeting you only to-day. What's the other name? QUEEN. Anna Victoria Carolina Louisa Jose- phine. QUIGG. Good gracious ! But they're all Christian names. QUEEN. (Gravely) I am a Christian. QUIGG. Most extraordinary! Most extraordi- nary ! I mean the names. i8 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN BARON. Pardon! You have business with this lady? QUIGG. (Turning to him) Quite so. Now, Mr. Um may I ask your name ? BARON. (Drawing himself up) Cosaca. QUIGG. Thank you. Now, Mr. Cosaca, you sub- let this apartment furnished from a Mr. Stanton, who is at present residing in Chicago. Your deal- ings weren't with us, but, of course, they're subject to our rules. QUEEN. Ja, gewiss ! QUIGG. Quite so. Now er some question has reached our office as to er the relations er existing (To the QUEEN ) You are Mrs. Cosaca? (BARON steps back in amazement) QUEEN. Oh, no ! QUIGG. Um ! Am I right in supposing that Mr. Cosaca resides here? QUEEN. Oh, yes! Cosaca resides with me. ( QUIGG much embarrassed) BARON. These many years. QUIGG. (Temporarily relieved) Ah! You are her father ! QUEEN. We are not related. BARON. I am her minister. euiGG. Such conduct from a clergyman ! UEEN. A clergyman ! QUIGG. We can't permit you to go on living here unless you are married. ( BARON furiously coming toward him back of table) QUEEN. (Checking him) Cosaca! (With brave dignity) This gentleman does not realize that he is insulting. (To QUIGG. Bell off R.2E. Enter MARY R.cJ Sir, I am Queen of Herzegovina ! QUIGG. (Rising in amazement) What ! QUEEN. Oh, be seated ! Here we do not observe .ceremony. QUIGG. (Moving to front of table, catches SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 19 eye of MARY, who winks, taps her head and exits R.2E.) Oh! (To the QUEEN ) Nevertheless, I must ask you to vacate ! This is a respectable house, and we don't let apartments to unmarried queens! MARY. (Reappears in doorway) Mr. Trainor. QUEEN. (Greatly relieved) Oh, yes! (MARY exits R.2) Now all will be well. QUIGG. (Recognising the name, with some awe) Mr. Robert Trainor? QUEEN. Yes. And oh, Mein Herr! He does not know that I am Queen. QUIGG. (With facetious skepticism) Doesn't he? Well, don't worry. I won't tell him. (Enter ROBERT TRAINOR. MARY enters immediately behind him and exits R.C.E. TRAINOR comes to R.C., speaking as he enters.) TRAINOR. Hello, everybody! (Sees QUIGG) Beg pardon ! I didn't notice you had company. QUEEN. This gentleman asks us to leave the apartment. TRAINOR. (Coming forward a bit) Leave! Why? QUEEN. The landlord is annoyed because I live here with Cosaca. TRAINOR. Oh! Is that all? ( To QUIGG; Baron Cosaca has been this lady's guardian ever since she was a little girl. QUIGG. They must take separate apartments or vacate. TRAINOR. (To QUEEN and BARON ) I'm afraid we'll have to give in. It's the custom of the coun- try. BARON. Obey the orders of an underling. QUEEN. (Pathetically) We have no place to go. TRAINOR. I'll hunt up a hotel for the Baron to- night, and to-morrow we'll land a boarding-house. (To QUIGG) Does that suit you, Mr. 20 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN QUIGG. Quigg, sir ! Quite so ! ( Walking round TRAINOR, who follows him to door R.2E.) Quite! Sorry to have made any trouble, and TRAINOR. (Coldly) Good evening, Quigg! QUIGG. Quite so! Good evening! (He exits R.2E.J BARON. (Banging table) If I had that man at Mostar. TRAINOR. (Turning to him) Some day we'll send him over on a Cook's tour. (Enter MARY R.C.E. Goes up R.cJ MARY. I can't get my trunk locked. Somebody'll have to sit on it. QUEEN. (Vastly amused) Baron! BARON. (Horror-struck. Turning and down back of T. Looks at QUEEN helplessly. She turns away laughing) I ! TRAINOR. Permit me to sit. QUEEN. No. I have something important to tell you. TRAINOR. Can't I be an assistant sitter ? BARON. (Indignant) Pardon! I do not require your assistance. (To MARY) Proceed! MARY. (Starting for door) It'll have to be roped, too. Them expressmen didn't do a thing to it on the way up. (Exeunt BARON and MARY R.C.E. ) TRAINOR. (Up R. and back to tubs. Putting hat on wash tubs) I don't think I sell much above par with the Baron. QUEEN. Yes? What is that above par? TRAINOR. (Coming down R.C. again) That? Oh, that's slang ! QUEEN. (Sighs. Goes up to tubs and puts on apron) I shall never understand! American is much harder than English ! SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 21 TRATNOR. (With a frightful accent) Soil ich Deutsch sprechen? QUEEN. (Making a wry face and covering her ears) Please no. (TRAINOR smiles and goes to bird cage) I speak English even with Cosaca. TRATNOR. (Sticking his finger into cage. To bird) Bimbi. ( QUEEN picks up the pan of potatoes- which assisted in the downfall of MARY, goes to chair L. of table, sits. Takes knife, and, holding the vegetables clumsily, hacks off great pieces of them. The "parings" fall back into the pan. TRAINOR turns to her) You may have a caller to-morrow. QUEEN. A caller? TRAINOR. (Coming to R. of table, sits) I've asked a friend of mine Elisabeth Lauman to drop in and be sociable. We're old chums. I've worked for her father since I was so high. (Measures off the height of a small boy) QUEEN. You are very (She pauses for a word) delicious. TRAINOR. The Baron doesn't think so. What's he got against me? QUEEN. (Laughs before speaking) He does not like you to be with me. TRAINOR. Why not? I'm harmless. Children cry for me. QUEEN. (Reluctantly) It is a matter of rank. (She pauses) Meester Trainor, we became good friends on the boat. How came it you never asked who I was? TRAINOR. None of my business. QUEEN. Did you suspect nothing when you met the Baron? TRAINOR. Well, I thought he was a "Phony." That is, for a while. Soon's we got acquainted I knew there couldn't be any counterfeit around you. QUEEN. And you never thought that Fraulein Anna might be 22 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN TRATNOR. What ? QUEEN. A Queen. TRAINOR. I knew she was a Queen. QUEEN. (Surprised) You knew? TRAINOR. That's what we call a fine girl in New York. (The QUEEN understands. She carries the pan containing potatoes and parings to the sink and puts water in pan. The jet is burning under c kettle. She removes the kettle and puts on the pan Then she turns and faces TRAINOR,) QUEEN. I am the Queen of Herzegovina. TRAINOR. Where's that? QUEEN. You have never heard of Herzogovina (TRAINOR shakes his head) It is a nation of twc hundred thousand people. TRAINOR. About the size of Newark. (Sht turns to him with a puzzled look) So you are Queer of of I beg your pardon ? QUEEN. Herzogovina. (She resumes her work, TRAINOR. Well, that needn't make any differeno between friends. (He looks about the kitchen What are you doing here? QUEEN. I ran away. (Dumb waiter speaking tube whistles loud. She gives a cry and runs fron of table to R.; Oh ! What is that ? TRAINOR. (Rising) Speaking-tube. (Goes t( shaft) Kind of telephone. (He blows in tube Sound of dumb waiter ascending) QUEEN. (Laughs) I thought it was a musica instrument. VOICE. (Outside at dumb waiter) Lamp chops TRAINOR. Lamb chops? QUEEN. Yes. Mary had some yesterday. The 1 tasted so good that I ordered more. (Goes to bac< of table R. end. By this time dumb waiter is u On it is a large paper bag containing three lam chops. Below in bag is dummy to represent te\ pounds of chops) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 23 TRAINOR. (Takes off parcel. Coming to back of table, puts parcel on table) In Heaven's name, how many did you get? QUEEN. Ten pounds. Is that enough? TRAINOR. Enough ! (Dumb waiter descends) Never mind. Tell me how you came to run away. QUEEN, (x. to back of table Takes out three chops and lays them in inverted lid of the chocolate box. Takes out three or four fluted paper chop tips and lays them with chops. This is done daintily through several speeches) It is a long story. My father, the King, was ever ambitious that Bosnia and Herzegovina should be ruled from one throne. The two countries, you know, are side by side. TRAINOR. Yes? I never even suspected. QUEEN. To that end I was pledged in marriage to Stephen IV, King of Bosnia. TRAINOR. (With feeling) An old gentleman, I suppose, with white whiskers and a Too-late- for- Herpicide. QUEEN. A mere boy. He was called "The Deb- onair" because of his fondness for wine and gaiety. TRAINOR. That's a nice kind of person to pick for one's daughter. If your father wanted Bosnia, why didn't he waltz in and take it? QUEEN. Such an act would have overthrown the peace of Europe. TRAINOR. And he was willing to sacrifice you for a little thing like the peace of Europe ! QUEEN. I had as soon marry Stephen as anyone else. But my subjects felt strongly against union with Bosnia. They began plotting shortly after my father's death, 'and one night rebellion broke out like a fire and drove me from the kingdom. TRAINOR. By George! QUEEN. Cosaca and I slipped out of the Palace before dawn and started for Bosnia. At the frontier we learned that Stephen's people were marching 24 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN against his capital. We hurried to Triest. A steamer was sailing for America, and I insisted upon taking it. Then we met you, and here we are ! Should you like to see the crown? TRAINOR. Have you got it with you? QUEEN. Oh, yes. (She xes R. to trunk, opens it, and takes out hatbox. TRAINOR xes -front of table to her L.J I carried it myself every foot of the way. (Gives box to TRAINOR, who takes it to R. of T. and commences to untie it. Same time QUEEN xes back of him to back of table) TRAINOR. The crown in this? QUEEN. The crown and the sceptre. (By this time the box is opened. The QUEEN takes out scep- tre and umvraps it) TRAINOR. I saw a crown once in the Tower of London. QUEEN. (Giving him the sceptre. He puts it on table) The sceptre is very ugly. (Taking crown, looks at it reverently, puts it on) But the crown ! Is it not becoming? TRAINOR. Lovely ! Are those diamonds ? QUEEN. Indeed yes. And wait (Takes off crown and puts it on table. Runs to trunk and takes out sword. As she xes down he gets to back of table) Here is my sword! TRAINOR. Great Scott! What do you do with that? QUEEN. It belongs with my uniform of Colonel in the Lancers ! ( A trumpet sounds in the court yard. The QUEEN runs to the window) Is that the President? TRAINOR. No. A scissors-grinder. (Replaces crown and ties up the box) You've been playing in tough luck, and you're mighty brave about it! QUEEN. (Coming to R. of T.) Brave? Not sometimes, when I think of my beautiful castle, and (Takes hatbox to trunk. Puts it in SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 25 trunk and closes it. Forces gaiety) But here it is new and beautiful ! My father guarded me so care- fully in the Palace; I knew nothing of the outside world ! So, you see, this is really a sparrow ! TRAINOR. (Puzzled) A sparrow? QUEEN. (Trying to remember) A a lark! (Laughs. Goes to R. of T.) To-morrow I must look for work. TRAINOR. You! Look for work? QUEEN. We are absolutely bankrupt, and I do not think I shall be recalled to the throne. TRAINOR. (Sitting to L. of T.) You don't! That's splendid. QUEEN. Meester Trainor ! TRAINOR. I beg your pardon! But you'll get along all right. I'll make Lauman give you a job. QUEEN. A job? TRAINOR. Work! (Rises) And if you don't go back you needn't marry the King. QUEEN. (Hands him clipping she has read to BARON ) Stephen is on his way here. TRAINOR. But that betrothal business would be all off! QUEEN. (Sitting R. of T.) A Queen must marry a King. TRAINOR. Not this side of the wet! Over here a woman marries the man she loves. QUEEN. Stephen is a great King. TRAINOR. Great! (Holds up clipping) He loses a throne, and look at the stingy little notice he gets for it. QUEEN. (Protesting) How do you know I am not already in love with the King? TRAINOR. Because if you were you wouldn't "as soon marry him as anyone else." You'd rather ! QUEEN. I have seen him only once. The con- tract was made through our ambassadors. 26 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN TRAINOR. It's an ill wind that blows no good? This revolution has saved you from a correspond- ence school wedding, and left you free to be mar- ried on the American plan. QUEEN. (Leaning forward) What is "the American plan"? TRAINOR. God's plan! A fellow meets a girl and they like each other. QUEEN. Well? TRAINOR. Well that's all there is to it! No country to be considered, no "peace of Europe," not very much father and mother ! Just a walk or two in the moonlight, maybe a row on the river, and he tells her QUEEN. Yes! What? TRAINOR. (Leaning over table) He tells her: "I love you! I love you better than anything else in the world ! I'm not a King but I love you as if you were thirty dozen Queens, and I'll work for you as though you were an Empress!" (A short pause) QUEEN. It must be very nice. TRAINOR. It is. QUEEN. (Rising) And now I think we had bet- ter look for Cosaca. (Goes up R. BARON enters, slightly dishevelled, sleeves rolled up, brushing knees with handkerchief. As QUEEN rises TRAINOR moves to L. of T.) BARON. Majesty's commands have been obeyed. QUEEN. Cosaca. TRAINOR. You sat on the trunk? BARON. (Straightening up and coming down E.G. The QUEEN up to door R.C.E.J I wrapped it in rope ! Now I cannot find my brushes. It is very inconvenient to be without a man. (Goes to front of table) TRAINOR. (Picking up whisk broom from hook L.j Permit me, Baron. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 27 QUEEN. (Back of table) We must all work, Baron. I am about to get dinner. Pray excuse me \ My only street dress is far too precious to grace my debut as a cook. (Laughing, she exits R.cJ TRAINOR. (Starting to brush the BARON,) Now Baron. BARON. (Restraining him and getting around to his Lj Thank you. I am sufficiently repaired. (Sees and picks up the sceptre) Oh ! Her Majesty has told you ? TRAINOR. Eh? Oh, yes. BARON. Of course, that will alter your attitude. TRAINOR. Not a bit. I don't think any less of her for being a Queen. BARON. Gott in Himmel. (Up to L. a bit) TRAINOR. And, by the way, Baron, what sort of a chap is this King? BARON. (Turning stiffly) He is the King! TRAINOR. One King isn't much use. Now three kings (Bell rings off R.2E.J (MARY enters R.C. to answer bell. Exit R.2J BARON. Sir, you are insolent! TRAINOR. I was insolent. I beg your pardon. (He puts out his hand. The BARON shakes it with the air of one who has forgiven but cannot forget. MARY re-enters R.2E.J MARY. Mr. and Miss Lauman. BARON. Her Majesty's audience day is Thurs- day. TRAINOR. She is expecting Miss Lauman. BARON. (To MARYJ Very well. Admit them! (MARY exits. BARON down L.,) We are indeed fallen upon misfortune when we give audience in a kitchen. TRAINOR. What's the matter with the parlor ? BARON. The trunks are being unpacked. Her Majesty's garments. 28 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN TRAINOR. There's no harm in a few dresses. BARON. (Xing to him) Pardon ! But these garments are not altogether dresses. (Xes down L.) (LAUMAN enters R.2) TRAINOR. (Advancing and shaking hands) Come in ! Surprised to see you, Lauman. LAUMAN. Oh, I tagged on with Lizzie! (Xes up to back of table) ELISABETH. (Enters. To TRAINOR) It's luck to find you here ! (MARY immediately behind ELIS- ABETH, exits R.c.E.J TRAINOR. Miss Lauman, this is Baron Cosaca. (BARON bows stiffly) Mr. Lauman. BARON. I am pleased. LAUMAN. Same to you, sir! BARON. Be good enough to sit. (ELISABETH moves to chair R. of T. and sits as TRAINOR holds chair for her. LAUMAN moves down R V takes chair at R V brings it down R.c.J TRAINOR. The front rooms haven't been set to rights. (Moving to back of table) ELISABETH. Oh, we understand. BARON. You are very kind. LAUMAN. (Sitting R.C.) You're German, ain't you? BARON. Our families are both Austrian. LAUMAN. My grandfather was German. He was younger brother to a Count, but that didn't help him none. "What's noble blood without hard cash?" says he, so he come to America. BARON. (Superciliously^ Most enterprising! LAUMAN. He started with five cows on a hired farm in Illinois. That was the beginning of Lauman & Son, and to-day we slaughter ten thousand steers a week ! ELISABETH. (Embarrassed) You see, father stuck to business. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 29 LAUMAN. That's right. Now we got the hard cash we can buy the rest. My daughter's been through college, and she'll bring the noble blood into the family. (ELISABETH flashes a quick look at TRAINOR,) "You just pick out your Duke or your Earl," says I, "and there won't be no question what he costs !" TRAINOR. (Deliberately changing the conversa- tion) Miss Lauman wants to show Fraulein about New York. (Enter the QUEEN R.C.E. She wears a gorgeous ermine trimmed gown, which hangs from her shoulders, ungirdled, to the floor) Oh, here is Fraulein Anna (All rise ELISABETH to front of. table) QUEEN. (Coming to R. of ELISABETH ) I bid you welcome. TRAINOR. (Coming to back of table L.) This is my old friend Miss Lauman. And this is Mr. Lau- man. (LAUMAN bows. QUEEN goes to ELISABETH, and with the utmost cordiality extends her hand to be kissed. ELISABETH, not understanding the ges- ture, shakes the hand warmly) ELISABETH. We were just planning a sight-see- ing expedition. How shall we begin a drive, the Statue of Liberty or the Museum of Art? QUEEN. Oh, a drive ! I have unveiled so many statues, and opened so many, many exhibits of art! Last year I saw twenty-one St. Sebastians and thirty-six Elizabeths of Hungary ! (All Laugh) ELISABETH. I'll call for you. To-morrow at two? QUEEN. To-morrow at two. TRAINOR. (Turning to BARON,) And now, Baron, suppose you show Miss Lauman the rest of the flat. ELISABETH. Yes, do! (Turning to BARON ) TRAINOR. She won't mind the dresses. BARON. Show her the flat? (Turns away re- 30 SULK A LITTLE QUEEN sentfully. After an interchange of looks between the QUEEN and TRAINOR, she gives the BARON an imperial gesture of dismissal. He bows) Pardon ! (Coughs and mutters and goes up L.C. to door R.c.E.J Fraulein, would you like to see the rest of the flat ? ELISABETH. (Laughing) Delighted. (She exits R.C.E.J BARON. (Looks resentfully at TRAINOR) The flat ! (Exit R.C.E. TRAINOR to L. of T. QUEEN sits R. of xj TRAINOR. Lauman, I've been with you a long time. LAUMAN. Twenty-one years. ( Sits R.C. To the QUEEN ) Started at two dollars a week; now he gets five hundred. TRAINOR. Twenty-one years and I'm going to ask my first favor. I want you to make a place for this young lady. LAUMAN. A place for you? QUEEN. Yes. A job. TRAINOR. Fraulein Anna agrees with your grandfather. "What's noble blood without hard cash?" LAUMAN. (Emphatically) And I honor you for it. What can you do ? QUEEN. I can shoot and ride and fence. LAUMAN. No good in the beef business. TRAINOR. Fraulein speaks several languages. LAUMAN. What languages? QUEEN. English. (LAUMAN frowns) Servian, French, German, and a little Italian. LAUMAN. That's the answer. Bob can bring you to the office Monday. There'll be something for you. TRAINOR. Thank you. QUEEN. I thank you, too. (Enter MARY R.3E V carrying box and valise) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 31 MARY. The young lady in there wants her father. LAUMAN. (All rise. Going up R.cJ Guess I got to help look at the flat. I'll be back in a minute. (Exit R.C.E .) MARY. (Coming down to R.c. near door R.2J I'm going now. QUEEN. Good-bye ! MARY. My cook book's on the table, and there's a restaurant 'round the corner. (She exits R.2EJ TRAINOR. (Laughs) Mary's got a sense of humor. (Goes to her) You'll be a picturesque cook anyhow. That's the prettiest tea gown I ever saw. QUEEN. This was my coronation robe. TRAINOR. And you are going to cook in it? QUEEN. What else could I do with it? I dare not risk spoiling my one street dress so I must cook in this. TRAINOR. I suppose you'll wear the Lancers' uni- form to the office. QUEEN. I forgot to say: "Thank you for speak- ing to Meester Lauman." (Puts out her hand. He takes it) You are very good to us, Meester Trainor. No subject could have been more loyal to his Queen. TRAINOR. If anything in the world could make me want to be a subject, you're it. MARY. (Off stage at R.) You can't go in there! KING. (Off stage at R.) Stay me not, woman! I am the King. QUEEN. The King! (She moves to c. of table. TRAINOR to L.) (Enter KING STEPHEN IV of Bosnia. He is twenty- six, fair-haired, blue-eyed, with a handsome but rather weak face. His dress is civilian, of a rather foreign cut and style. The KING stops short upon coming face to face with the QUEEN. There is a pause.) 32 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. (Coming to almost c., front of table) I I crave your pardon ! QUEEN. (With the utmost formality) You are most welcome, sire. (She extends her hand. The KING bends and kisses it) I am unhappy only in the reason for your coming. (Door slams off R.C.E. The sound of laughter. Enter LAUMAN, ELISABETH and the BARON. LAUMAN is speaking as they come on, but stops short upon seeing the KING.,) LAUMAN. (Speaking as he enters) Thirty dol- lars for a ride from Chambers Street to the QUEEN. Gentlemen, the King! (Turning and moving to L. to front of T.L. side of it) LAUMAN. (Amazed) The King! (Coming down to R.C. BARON Xes down, kneels and kisses the KING'S hand, which has been extended to him. Same time ELISABETH xes down to R. of LAUMAN. LAUMAN, as he xes down, looks at picture on front page of an evening paper which he has) BARON. (Kissing his hand) Sire. KING. Baron, I give you greeting. (BARON rises and retires a step or two back) LAUMAN. (Showing ELISABETH the picture in the paper) It's the same man. ( Xes to KING with out-thrust hand) Your Majesty, I'm glad to meet you. ("BARON, back of table, is indignant, at this familiarity) KING. (Ignoring his hand, and bowing slightly) Sir! QUEEN. This is Meester Lauman. His daughter. And Meester Trainor. ( The KING graciously and smilingly acknowledges each introduction) LAUMAN. (Showing paper) Your picture's in the "Evening Journal." (Slapping him on back. BARON furiously resents this and comes down on his R. The QUEEN turns away) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 33 KING. (Indignantly turns to him, then smiles and takes the paper) Oh, yes ! Taken at the pier ! LAUMAN. (Taking it from him) I read about it in the subway. But, Lord, I never thought of meeting a King. There there it is across half a page ! "King of Bosnia detained as a pauper." QUEEN. A pauper? BARON. That is treason. (Takes paper and, go- ing up, throws it out of window R.C. Stays there) ELISABETH. Father! (To him) KING. (Still smiling and amiable) Most of my money was given as a bribe at the frontier. I was obliged to travel third class. That is why Her Majesty was not notified of my coming. LAUMAN. (Once more amazed, looks at QUEEN,) Her Majesty ! QUEEN. I am grieved to hear of your discom- forts. LAUMAN. (Approaching the KING, putting hand on his shoulder, in a confidential tone) If a little loan say fifty KING. (Turns to him angrily) No! LAUMAN. Perhaps you'd rather get work. KING. (Haughtily) Sir! LAUMAN. (Indicates QUEEN,) Well, the little lady wasn't too good to ELISABETH. Father, we'd better go. (To the QUEEN. TRAINOR goes up back of table) To-mor- row, Fraulein. ( QUEEN nods) Will you come with us, Mr. Trainor? TRAINOR. I've promised to find a hotel for the Baron. ELISABETH. (Disappointed) I'm sorry. (To TRAINOR and the BARON. ) Good afternoon, gentle- men. Good afternoon, Fraulein. (Bows to the KiNcJ Your Majesty. (Turns and exits R.2EJ LAUMAN. (Bowing low to KINGJ Good after- noon, your Majesty. (To the others) Good-bye, 34 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN everybody. Fraulein, Til see you on Monday. (Turns, goes to R.2E. Exits, slamming door behind him. BARON, incensed, follows him to door. TRAIN- OR, laughing, goes to wash tubs, gets back, comes down to BARON R.) TRAINOR. Ready, Baron ? BARON. Have I your Majesties' (bowing to KING and QUEEN ) grace to retire? (The KINO and QUEEN both nod assent. The BARON goes to door R.2E.) TRAINOR. (To the QUEEN,) I'll come to-morrow afternoon as usual. QUEEN. Of course. BARON. Her Majesty will be driving with Frau- lein Lauman. TRAINOR. Then in the evening. BARON. The King will QUEEN. The King will be glad to see Meester Trainor. (To the KING) Am I not right, Sire? (BARON goes up a step or two, faces audience) KING. The King will probably be at a music hall. (To TRAINOR ) My dear fellow, you have no idea what a relief it is to be exiled. Royal etiquette cuts one off from so much innocent amusement. TRAINOR. Good night, sir. (To the QUEEN) To- morrow at eight. ( QUEEN inclines her head. TRAIN- OR turns and speaks to the BARON) Come, Baron. We're going to see a lot of one another in the future. (Turns and goes to door. BARON also turns. TRAINOR gets slightly ahead of him. As TRAINOR throws open door, the BARON taps him on shoulder) BARON. Pardon! (TRAINOR turns) If you please. (Waves him haughtily aside, and goes out followed by TRAINOR) .(They exeunt R.2E. The KING has followed them part way to the door. The QUEEN stands look- ing at him admiringly. It is manifest that she SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 35 finds him very pleasant after a time among strangers. When the KING turns their eyes meet. Both are embarrassed. There is a long pause) (Lights start first border and strips back of win- dows down slowly. House lights positively all out by this time. Take strips out of doors R.2E. and R-3E.J QUEEN. You ah (Smiling) KING. Yes? (Laughing. Embarrassed. Break- ing the silence with an effort. Moving toward R.c.) I ah I trust your Majesty is in good health. QUEEN. In excellent health, Sire. (A short pause) Did you have a pleasant crossing? KING. The weather was very good. (A longer pause) Has the weather been good here? QUEEN. Partly. (A still longer pause) Will you be seated? I must cook dinner. KING. Cook dinner? Oh yes, thank you. ( QUEEN goes L. to stove and brings frying pan to table. Then takes the paper caps out of small bag at back of table and puts them on the three chops she has placed before in top of candy box. The KING, during this, humming a tune, puts hat, cane and gloves on top of ice box R. Then turning to c., R. of T., sits) What are those? QUEEN. To put on chops. KING. Oh, yes! QUEEN. (Fitting them on the uncooked chops) Just like little caps ! KING. Where did you learn to cook? QUEEN. (As she puts a cap on each chop, places it in frying pan. Touching cook book on L. of table) One has but to read this book. (Goes to stove and puts the frying pan on the stove. Re- moves potatoes) That you are here proves you got my message. 36 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. (Rises. Goes up stage to window) Yes. At the hotel I learned your new address. (Looks about him. Xes L. up stage to tubs) These lodg- ings are not like the palace at Mostar. QUEEN. We have shifted from court to court- yard. ( She spears a potato and lifts it from the pot. KING looking down dumb waiter. At stove) Does your Majesty know what needs to be done with boiled potatoes? (First border and strips one-half down) KING. Why not consult the book? (He comes down, back of table, gets the book, and reads from it) Here is the book, now where is the index? Oh, yes. Potatoes Parisienne. Potatoes Maitre d'Hotel. Boiled potatoes 213. (Turns over pages) 210, 212, 213. Boiled potatoes. Pour off the water. (The QUEEN empties whole contents into the sink) Take them up with a skimmer. QUEEN. A skimmer? KING. Into a wooden bowl or tray. QUEEN. (Taking down bowl and doing as di- rected) Ah ! Here is a bowl. (Puts potatoes into bowl in sink) KING. (Still reading) And mash fine with a potato masher. QUEEN. What is a potato masher? (Looking for one) KING. It must be something like a hammer. QUEEN. ( Her eye falls on the sceptre. She xes with potatoes to L. of table and sits) Ah! This will serve. KING. (At R. of table) Your sceptre! QUEEN. (Smiling as she begins to mash the po- tatoes) I had as well make some use of it ! KING. (He watches her a moment, then sits R. of table) In Bosnia this would be most improper. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 37 QUEEN. Mashing potatoes? KING. Being alone together. Last time we met QUEEN. It was the first time, too. KING. We were chaperoned QUEEN. By a regiment of soldiers. KING. There is little opportunity for love-mak- ing at court. QUEEN. My father had been married twelve years when he first noticed that my mother had a scar on her elbow. (Rising, takes bowl of potatoes to wash tubs, and, with her sceptre, pushes them into tureen) Will you set the dishes on the table? (First border and strips out) KING. Set the dishes? QUEEN. Yes, will you? KING. Certainly. Now where are the dishes? (At cupboard R.) Oh, here are the dishes. (Open- ing drawer under cupboard) Oh, yes! (Comes to table with hand full of knives, forks and spoons and large meat platter in the other hand) QUEEN. Marriage is much nicer in America. KING. So? QUEEN. "A fellow likes a girl and and that is all there is to it!" (Sighs) If we had been just ordinary persons we might have fallen in love with each other. ( QUEEN takes large bag of chops from table to tubs) KING. As it is we are only going to be married. (He is at table ^vith plates. QUEEN carries over the potatoes. They meet with the table between them) QUEEN. Are we going to be married? KING. Geographically we ought to be allies. (KING goes back to cupboard for glasses) 38 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN QUEEN. I hate being married for purposes of geography. (Going to L. of table) KING. What would you have? QUEEN. The kitchen has its compensations. You see, now I am just an ordinary person. (Lights start amber foots down slowly. She looks at him archly. He does not respond) Will your Majesty sit down to dinner? (Taking platter to stove for chops) KING. (Gets pepper and salt. Arranges knives and forks, etc., on table) Gladly. QUEEN. (Going for the chops) This will be a simple meal. (Holds platter in one hand and takes out chops with a large kitchen fork. Puts chops on plate) The little caps must have cooked too long. They are quite burned away ! KING. Too bad ! (KING sits R. of table) QUEEN. No matter! Let us eat! (Brings over chops and sits L. of table. Helps KiNG~f0 a chop, with same large fork) KING. Oh, thank you ! QUEEN. Potatoes. (Giving him potatoes from tureen) KING. Potatoes, oh, yes, thank you. (KiNG holds out his plate each time) QUEEN. (During this opens box of chocolate eclairs, puts one on her plate and eats it) How do matters stand in Bosnia? KING. Oh! Badly. General Myrza and my re- bellious army still hold the capital. He is a crafty man, is Myrza, and I am sure it was his intriguing that first incited your people in Herzegovina. QUEEN. But why should he wish to harm me? Oh, but we must not let him spoil our first dinner together. (KiNG during her last speech has taken a mouth full of raw chop and makes a wry face. Looks SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 39 over at QUEEN, who is eating comfortably at chocolate eclairs) KING. What are you eating? (Lights. Start white foots slowly) QUEEN. Chocolate eclairs. I have always loved them. I have them now every night for dinner. .(KING now feels waste-paper basket under the table with his foot. Lifts end of tablecloth and looks at it, then slozvly pushes it out beyond the table with his foot. Just too far, so he has to pull it back to edge of table with both feet. Keeps looking at QUEEN to see he is not observed. She is quietly eating. He then slides his plate to edge of table and drops first chop and then potatoes into basket, and pushes same back under table with his foot. Takes out handker- chief and wipes his forehead and mouth) QUEEN. It is really very pleasant to see you. I have been among strangers. KING. All this must be dreadful. QUEEN. It was until I found that I was living a story. Everything that has happened is what hap- pens to Queens and Princesses in the fairy books. KING. And so you are a fairy Queen? QUEEN. Yes. I am not in an ugly old kitchen at all. I am in a beautiful green-covered book, and I have lived as far as the fiftieth page. KING. Why the fiftieth? QUEEN. Because that is generally where the King comes in. Ah! ( QUEEN sees that his chop is gone and offers another. KING holds out his plate with pained expression and takes it) KING. Thank you. But I am no longer a King. (KING moves his plate to edge of table again. Watches the QUEEN to see he isn't noticed. Pushes .out basket, again drops chop into it. Leaves the 40 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN basket out this time, picks up whisk-broom which is on table and shields his plate with it) And if there are no kingdoms to unite there is no longer any reason for our betrothal. QUEEN. That proves you did not like the chop ! KING. (Taking away whisk-broom) You see they are both gone. QUEEN. (Laughs) Yes. Bones and all. (KING laughs also and glances at basket. QUEEN looks, sees what became of chops. Both laugh heartily) KING. When I ruled in Bosnia I could not look at a pretty girl without fear of upsetting Europe. Now QUEEN. Now ? KING. Well, perhaps you will not be obliged to marry "for purposes of geography." At the hotel I received a cable from one of my most trusted offi- cers. Part of the army has returned to its allegiance. On June first they will attack Myrza. If they fail (Lights slowly down to nothing from here on) QUEEN. Yes. (Lights up in backing) KING. (Throws a kiss from his finger-tips) Adieu to my crown! The chances are even. Let us wait until a month from today. QUEEN. That is until June I2th. KING. If I have heard nothing from my friends by then you may count yourself perfectly free. (He rises and extends his hand. She rises and takes it across the table) QUEEN. (With humor) You are tremendously kind! (Bell. Door slams off R.2.) Here comes the Baron ! (Enter BARON R.2E. with hat, cane and gloves in hand) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 41 BARON. Sire, I have found lodgings. KING. (Leaving the table) For both of us! BARON. We can go at once. QUEEN. (Looking around in a fright.) It is growing dark. (Pause) I have never been alone before. KING. I can return. QUEEN. (Screwing up her courage) Never mind ! I am not afraid ! KING. (R.C.) Farewell. QUEEN. (L.C. KING bows, as does QUEEN) Un- til tomorrow. KING. (Xing to door) Lead the way, Baron. (BARON exits. KING bows very low) Your Ma- jesty! (Lights all down) QUEEN. (Bows very low to KING) Sire! (KiNG exits R.2E. humming tune. Door slams off R. QUEEN stands silent, until a street piano, which picks up the air the KING has hummed and plays it, in the very far distance, to the curtain, startles her from her reverie. She looks about her. It has grown quite dark, and she becomes frightened) QUEEN. Oh! (She gets the bird-cage at cup- board and returns to table c.) Come, Bimbi! We will keep each other company! (Places cage on table) We are not afraid, are we? (The speak- ing-tube whistles and she jumps with fright) But I think we had better light the gas. ( She gropes her way to the stove and searches for matches. Knocks down a kettle and is startled by the noise. Finds the matches and ignites one. Returns to table and 42 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN standing L. of it, the lighted match in her fingers, her gaze off R., speaks to the bird again) Bimbi, I wonder will he be the fairy Prince ! CURTAIN (As curtain down, put on foots, first border and chandelier for calls) ACT II SCENE: The offices of Lauman & Son in lower Broadway. These rooms are in the fifth or sixth story of a big skyscraper, and through two large windows at R.2E. and R-3E. are seen corresponding portions of the opposite struc- tures. Double doors, leading to the reception room, and, by that way, to the elevators, are set obliquely at L.IE. Painted on the glass of these doors, and visible through it, are the words: "Executive Offices. Private." The wall above L.IE. is covered with shelves, containing sam- ples of canned meats, extracts, lard, and other products of the cow. In the flat three ordinary single glass doors, with a double door R.C. These doors, from left to right, are lettered: "Mr. Dunbaugh," "Mr. Adolph Lauman," "Mr. Trainor," and "Foreign Department." Be- tween the windows R. huge file cases, with let- ter files atop them. Up stage R. a water-cooler and a hat-rack with mirror. Down stage a telephone switchboard, the operator at which faces L. A letter-press, with tray and wringer, R.C. A desk, assigned to the KING, front L.C. Chairs on three sides of it. The desk littered with a tremendous accumulation of mail, opened and unopened, c. in flat hangs an en- largement of the company trademark two arms crossed, each holding a sledge-hammer; 43 44 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN above the arms "Lauman & Son., Inc." be- low "Established 1840." Beneath this a large calendar, showing the date to be June n. Original designs of labels, advertisements, etc., hanging everywhere. Over the file case a painting of the eldest Lauman, in a military attitude and whatever attire would render most conspicuous the quality of his family. This painting is in an ornate gold frame, crowned with a reflector. IT Is JUST AFTER 12 O'CLOCK THE AFTER- NOON OF JUNE n. AT RISE: Discovered CORA FITZGERALD, the telephone operator; MARGARET DONNELLY, a typist, and HARRY SHERMAN, a clerk. CORA is sitting at the switchboard, reading aloud from a copy of that morning's "American." She and the two others are plainly excited. SHERMAN is standing at end of table, a little apart, and MARGARET is seated, eating luncheon out of a box on her lap R. of table. CORA is a pretty girl, twenty-four years old, of a rather common type. MARGARET is pretty, too, but a little older, and much more quietly dressed. SHERMAN is a smooth-shaven man, aged somewhere between thirty and forty. Dis- sipation has left an indelible mark upon him in his twitching fingers, in his loose lips, in his slouching gait, and in his hang-dog expression. CORA. (Reading) likely to continue a bread- winner for some time. Queen Anna entered the service of the firm on May 18, and King Stephen a week later. For the last fortnight he has been a familiar figure at the balls and parties of a certain social set, none of whom seems to have known of his employment as a mail-clerk with Lauman & Son. (Puts down the paper) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 45 SHERMAN. Well, what do you think of that? MARGARET. I always did say Herr Karlovac had perfectly elegant manners. CORA. I read about a King being at them func- tions, but I never suspected it was him! (Waves toward desk L.J 7 thought Kings wore crowns. SHERMAN. The old man must've known all along. CORA. Sure ! That's the reason he's had "Lizzie" down every day. (Indicates the painting R.) They was a Count in the family once. Now he wants a Emperor. SHERMAN. (Goes Lj I wondered why he stood for Karlovac coming to work at twelve and one o'clock. MARGARET. Is that when he shows up? SHERMAN. (At table) Generally. I guess his real business is parties. (He lifts and drops a handful of the letters on the desk) CORA. I never seen anything about her in the society columns. Maybe she ain't a regular Queen. MARGARET. I hope not. That would be a jolt to Mr. Trainor. He's simply dotty about Fraulein Anna. CORA. Well, it's awful romantic. I never ex- pected to see the day when a real live King would walk right up to me and say "Get me 2733 Bry- ant." (She lays the paper on the szvitchboard, and rises) Gee, I'm hungry. May's late again, and she knows I got a date with a gentleman friend. MARGARET. (Rises) Want me to watch the board ? CORA. (Going up for her hat) Supposing Mr. Trainor MARGARET, (x. to board) Oh, I got all his let- ters. He never asks for me at the noon hour. CORA. Well, I won't be a minute! (Erits L.IE. SHERMAN has been standing in front of the desk, 46 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN looking over the mail. He deliberately drops a blue envelope. MARGARET takes the paper from the switchboard, and glances at the article) MARGARET. She ain't my idea of a Queen \ (SHERMAN, startled at hearing her voice, walks away from the envelope to c.) SHERMAN. He sure ain't my idea of a Kingf Lent me a few dollars last week, and now he's go- ing to make trouble if I don't give it back to him. MARGARET. You're always borrowing, Mr. Sher- man. What do you do with your money ? SHERMAN. Steam yachts and motor cars and some of it goes on my racing stable. (MARGARET laughs, and, seating herself behind the switchboard, reads the paper. SHERMAN, with a nervous glance about him to see that he is unobserved, picks up the blue envelope, opens it and takes out bills. The KING is heard off L., whistling the music-hall tune of ACT I. SHERMAN stuffs the bills back into the envelope and puts the envelope into his pocket. Then goes up stage, zvhere he meets TRAINOR, who enters from his office. SHERMAN exits R.C. TRAINOR comes down, letters in hand, looking for MARGARET. The KING enters L.IE. He is dressed nattily, in a cutaway coat and light trousers. There is a flower in his button-hole) KING. Good-morning ! TRAINOR. Good-morning or rather, good-after- noon. KING. (Looks at his watch; then complacently) Ah, yes Good- afternoon. (Gets vase. Puts hat on tree, stick in corner. He crosses to cooler, where he fills vase with water and puts his boutonniere in it. MARGARET rises and bows to him over switchboard. He bows in return. TRAINOR has his back to them, SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 47 staring at the litter on the desk) I spent most of last night at a dance. TRAINOR. Suppose you spend part of today with the mail. These letters should have been filed a week ago. KING. (With the utmost insouciance) I am not feeling very well, but we shall see. ( Sits and ar- ranges desk ornaments) TRAINOR. At least, don't leave papers lying about your desk. Somebody has been taking money out of the mail. KING. So? TRAINOR. Half a dozen times in the past two weeks. Mr. Lauman has sent himself marked bills to try and catch the thief. (KING produces pack of cards from top drawer and begins playing soli- taire) Herr Karlovac, I haven't wanted to speak to you because of KING. Yes? TRAINOR. Because of the circumstances, and be- cause of Fraulein Anna KING. (Rises) Please TRAINOR. But don't you think yourself that a little more attention to business would make things easier all around? KING. Herr Trainor, I have wanted to speak to you. We require an understanding. TRAINOR. About the work ? KING. About the lady you have just mentioned. I resent your interest in Fraulein Anna. TRAINOR. We're even ! I resent your lack of in- terest. KING. You have visited her almost every eve- ning. I object to your visits. In future please re- member that Fraulein and I are betrothed. TRAINOR. But I thought KING. Our engagement still holds, and, while it Idoes hold, I shall regard any further attention from 4 6 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN you as an impertinence. Do I make myself clear, Herr Trainor ? TRAINOR. Perfectly clear, Herr Karlovac. (Enter the QUEEN, L.IE. She wears the same dress in which she was first seen, but both dress and woman seem a little worn) QUEEN. How do you do, everybody? Oh, but it is hot ! It is hotter than TRAINOR. Don't say what! Ladies don't in America. KING. (Sits, resuming his cards) You have been out for a walk? QUEEN. (L.) Herr Lauman sent me to see a Monsieur Achard. The office-boy said angrily that Monsieur was not in. TRAINOR. That's their way. QUEEN. I said "I will wait." I waited an hour. Then I inquired : "When will Monsieur return ?" "I do not know," said the boy. "He went to Europe yesterday." (The three laugh a little. MARGARET roars. TRAINOR becomes aware of her presence) TRAINOR Oh, Miss Donnelly ! I've been looking for you. MARGARET. I got to 'tend the board. TRAINOR. Never mind that. Come into the of- fice, please. (She exits back. He takes envelopes from desk) I'll relieve you of these. (Goes up) Don't mind office-boys, Fraulein. They're only one- fifth human. (He exits) KING. ( QUEEN shows him handkerchief with which she has dried her face) Herr Lauman should not send you on errands. QUEEN. (Xes to letter- press and washes ker- chief in tin containing water for copying-press) I am glad to be useful. Then I shall be permitted to stay. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 49 KING. Permitted to stay ! The Queen of Herze- govina ! QUEEN. Even a Queen must eat occasionally. This great city seems to me like an ocean, and I fear always that I shall sink into it. I wonder how it feels to be hungry. ( She shudders, then, putting the idea from her, runs kerchief through wringer and hangs it up to dry) KING. Your Majesty needs diversion. You should go out to teas and entertainments. We re- ceive scores of invitations. QUEEN. (Jacket and hat on tree) But these people do not know me. (Sits R. of desk) KING. They know our rank. They like to see us in their homes. QUEEN. Yes, as curiosities as they like to see the monkeys at the Zoo. KING. (Rises) Your Majesty! QUEEN. I will not accept favors that I cannot return, nor even accept fittingly. (Altered tone) You have heard nothing from Bosnia? KING. Yes, this morning. QUEEN. (Eagerly) About General Myrza? KING. No a ridiculous document from the President of some temporary Council. The fellow inquired whether, if I were recalled, I would repeal certain measures. QUEEN. What measures ? KING. Chiefly my Publicity Law. This Pub- licity Law provides that, for a year after the arrest of any man charged with a crime, his picture shall be published once a month by every newspaper in the Kingdom. QUEEN. That does seem harsh. KING. (Sits) The nation's merchants must be protected. QUEEN. Your Majesty knows best, and yet it were good to go home ! 50 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. What can I do? QUEEN. Cosaca has written to every nobleman in Herzegovina. Yesterday we made another ap- peal to Austria. KING. (Shrugs his shoulders) It is no use. Our vacation is not unpleasant, and, in the course of time, I shall certainly have word of Myrza. QUEEN. (Sits) What you take as a vacation, Sire, I have found to be work, and worry, and hu- miliation. I tried to be brave at first, but now Oh, I am tired ! KING. (Rises. Seriously, contritely, with a note of real tenderness) Has it really been so bad ? QUEEN. It was agreed that if no message came by the twelfth of June our engagement should be ended. Your Majesty, tomorrow will be the twelfth of June. (KiNG, amazed, about to speak, when telephone busses. QUEEN runs to board, seats herself, and tries one plug after another. The telephone- bell rings on KING'S desk, then off stage at back, then in TRAINOR'S office, next in DUN- BAUGH'S, finally in LAUMAN'S. From behind each partition a voice is heard shouting. "Hello, Hello!") LAUMAN. (Offstage) Hello Hello Well- hello What the devil's the matter with you ? QUEEN. (Her invincible humor gets the better of her sadness. In mock fright) Oo oo oo! (Enter LAUMAN,) LAUMAN. (c. ) Who's monkeying with that switch board ? QUEEN. (Rises. Showing herself) I am "monk- eying." SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 5* LAUMAN. Oh! Did you find Achard? QUEEN. He sailed yesterday. LAUMAN. Umph! (To KING,) Haven't seen my daughter today, have you? KING. No. LAUMAN. Don't go put till she comes. (Exits) KING. (Rises. Hesitates, then goes to QUEEN ) I am very sorry QUEEN. Are you? One does not expect sorrow from Stephen, the Debonair. (Up R.c. Enter BARON L.IE. KING goes behind desk) BARON. Guten tag! (Sees QUEEN is about to exit) Where is your Majesty going? QUEEN. To work! I do not wish to keep the King from his appointments. (Exits R.c. BARON goes up R. and looks after her. BARON turns in- quiringly) KING. (Sits) Her Majesty is tired. I had not noticed before. I am not very thoughtful of others. BARON. (R.C.) I fear not, Sire. KING. There are so many people at Court who are paid to be thoughtful. BARON. It is this office that has wearied her Majesty! (Regretfully) We could have lived so comfortably upon the crown jewels. I have known Monarchs to sell their crown jewels, but I have never heard before of a Monarch selling dead cows. KING. If there were only a way of making her take some money from me. (Suddenly) I have the way but no money. (Enter SHERMAN R.C. He carries a large drawing and starts for TRAI NCR'S office) Ah Herr Sherman. (Rises) SHERMAN. (Comes down) Well? KING. The twenty dollars you were to return to me yesterday ? SHERMAN. Can't you give me until next week? My little girl 52 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. It is because of your little girl that I shall refer this matter to Herr Lauman. SHERMAN. What do you mean? KING. I lent you my first salary when you said your little girl was dying. SHERMAN. She was dying. KING. She was never born. You are a bache- lor. Now I want that money and I want it quick. SHERMAN. (Hesitates, then takes out blue en- velope, extracts bills, and hands them to him) Here ! (Goes up) All I got to say about you is you're a hell of a King. (Exits) KING. (Comes c. Excitedly) I have the money ! Now, Baron, you and I will plan a little plot. Can you lie? BARON. I have been forty years at Court. KING. Then look you. Every week you shall five half my wages to the Queen, swearing it comes rom some forgotten fund. BARON. The rent of a cottage in Austria ! KING. Good ! (Gives the bill to BARON ) Here is twenty dollars. We will begin with this, and the Queen need work no more. fx.L.c.J BARON. She shall have it immediately. (Goes up) Remember a cottage in Austria. (Exits R.C. KING boyishly delighted, Xes to R,, whistling the music-hall tune. Sees the QUEEN'S handkerchief drying on the wringer. Takes it up and kisses it. Enter ELISABETH, L.IE. KING, hearing door closed, turns to her f pockets ker- chief, and stops whistling) KING. Good-afternoon. ELISABETH. Good-afternoon. Is my father in his office? KING. Yes. ELISABETH. (Starts up stage, stops, hesitates, and comes down a step) Have you lunched ? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 53. KING. No. Herr Lauman begged me not to go until you arrived. ELISABETH. I thought so. (Comes down and speaks in confidential tone) Father asked me to be here at twelve. I'm late because I felt sure he wanted me to go out with you. KING. (Embarrassed) Indeed ! ELISABETH. You may have noticed that I drop in every day. (KING nods) I never did until you came. KING. You surprise me. ELISABETH. It's all father. He expects you to propose to me. KING. Oh! ELISABETH. He wants a title, and he won't be happy till he gets it. Now, I take it that you're not the least interested in me. KING. I find you most agreeable. ELISABETH. Exactly. But you wouldn't marry me for a million dollars. KING. (Hesitates, and then takes the plunge) No! t ELISABETH. Thanks! I wouldn't marry you for two million. (Looks at door marked "Mr. Trainor" ) I well, frankly, I'm very much interested in some- one else. Now, that's understood, I think we can humor father. KING. I think so. ELISABETH. (Laughs) You're all right. Shake! (They clasp hands. Enter QUEEN. She coughs. They spar ate) Good-afternoon, Fraulein. QUEEN. (Coldly. Goes down R.) Good-after- noon. (Enter LAUMAN c.) LAUMAN. (To ELISABETH ) Thought I heard your voice. You're late. ELISABETH. And in a hurry. (KiNG joins QUEEN ) Did you want to see me? LAUMAN. Yes. (She starts toward his office. He 54 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN speaks quickly) I'm too busy now. (Feigning a sudden thought) Had anything to eat? ELISABETH. No. LAUMAN. Well, you'd better go and Oh, there's Herr Karlovac. He hasn't been out, either. Herr Karlovac (KING turns to him) I wish you'd take Lizzie to lunch. (ELISABETH, looking across LAUMAN, winks at KING) KING. With pleasure. Will you come, too? LAUMAN. I never eat lunch. It takes twenty working days out of a year. fKiNG gets hat and stick at hat-tree) ELISABETH. Perhaps Fraulein LAUMAN. I need her. (Presses bill into hand of KING, who protests) Here call this my treat, and off with you. ELISABETH. (To KING, who xes L.) There's a little place just around the corner. (Exeunt L.IE., chatting ad lib. QUEEN R. looks after them with big eyes) LAUMAN. (Turns to her. Remembers) Oh, yes please copy this letter. (Gives her letter. Indicates copy-book) You know in the book. QUEEN. Herr Lauman, if you have been em- ploying me out of kindness, I ought to tell you that I have now an income. LAUMAN. An income ? QUEEN. From a cottage in Austria. I do not quite understand, because that house burned down last year ; but, you see, Cosaca has just given me twenty dollars. (Shows money) LAUMAN. That is kind o' queer. Well, you earn your wages ! QUEEN. Thank you. Then I shall go on working. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 55 LAUMAN. I wish't I could say as much for Herr Kariovac. (x. to L.C. QUEEN stiffens. She has .laid money on letter press, using her hands to take purse from her dress, and now she forgets it. Lifts >copy book, and, pretending not to have heard, stag- gers under its weight to the KING'S desk. Sits) He's a King, and you're a Queen, but I'll swear you don't belong in the same deck. (QUEEN begins copy- ing letter with pen and ink) They was a sort of an understanding between you and, and (Waving his thumb toward L.IE.J and his Majesty, wasn't they? QUEEN. This paper is so thin my pen goes straight through it. LAUMAN. That ain't the way to copy a letter. Here I'll show you. (Takes book, and, during the following, is copying by the usual process. QUEEN rises and follows) They was an understanding, wasn't they? QUEEN. There was. LAUMAN. You'd better turn him loose. QUEEN. (Ignoring all but the letter-press oper- ation) You dampen the clothes? LAUMAN. Yes. I've seen a lot o' men in my time, and this fellow's no good. It ain't what a man wuz that counts now-a-days ; it's what he does ! Herr Kariovac don't do anything. Look at that desk! QUEEN. Then you put in the letter. LAUMAN. Hang the letter! Do you hear what I'm telling you? QUEEN. (With perfect sweetness and good breeding) I beg your pardon. Were you speaking to me? LAUMAN. (In a rage) Was I speaking to you? (Crumples letter, and throws it in basket) You know I was speaking to you. QUEEN. I didn't think you could really be say- ing such things to me. 56 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN LAUMAN. I've been talking to you like a fatherj QUEEN. Why not reserve fatherly conversa-| tions for your own daughter? LAUMAN. My daughter's got money enough for two. Your husband's got to be a provider, andl judging by his actions here, this chap couldn't pro-f vide bird seed for your pet canary. (Bangs fist on table, and it encounters the twenty dollars on letterl press. Picks it up) Is this yours ? QUEEN. Oh, yes. I forgot it. (Enter SHERMAN from TRAINOR'S office). LAUMAN. It ain't safe to (He stops an$ examines the money closely) The marked bills.) (SHERMAN Xes and opens door R.C. To SHERMANS Hello ! What do you want ? SHERMAN. Nothing, sir. LAUMAN. I wish you'd make a noise ! You walk like a centipede ! (Exit SHERMAN R.c.J QUEEN. You were saying? LAUMAN. This is the rent from the house thai burned ? QUEEN. Yes. LAUMAN. (Reflectively) The Baron got it- from the house that burned ! (Sharply) Say-H about this understanding you can take my advicJi or leave it, but your King's going to Hell so fast hej can't see the scenery ! (Exits. QUEEN looks aften him a moment, then turns front and puts money in purse for which it was first intended. Her eyes fify with tears. Enter TRAINOR from his office. He if smoking, carries his hat, and halts in the doorway t TRAINOR. (To MARGARET off) See that that list of names goes to O'Brien ! (He starts down to doon SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 57 L.IE. QUEEN unwittingly attracts his attention. He stops short, drops cigar, and calls to her. Hat on table) Hello! All alone? QUEEN. (Pathetically) Yes ; all alone. TRAINOR. (Notes her mood. Advances to L.c.) Why what's the matter with the little queen? QUEEN. I have fallen out of my fairy book. TRAINOR. Wh-a-at? QUEEN. (Smiling through her tears) I didn't tell you that I was a Fairy Queen but life begins to be terribly real, and things are happening that never happened to the enchanted Princesses. TRAINOR. Don't let 'em happen. You can turn everything back into Fairyland if you use a smile for a wand. QUEEN. (To desk. Sits) Sometimes it is hard to smile. TRAINOR. Nonsense! A smile is only a frown worn upside down. I wish I could come around to- night and get you out of this mood. QUEEN. Shall you not come to-night ? (TRAINOR shakes his head) Why? TRAINOR. Herr Karlovac objects. We had a 'heart-to-heart talk this morning. He says you are still engaged. QUEEN. Did he say that? (Around to back of table) TRAINOR. (Sitting R. end of table) That, and one or two other little things. I never did have any luck with girls. If I caught a mess of mermaids there wouldn't be one who wasn't engaged to some muddy old merman. QUEEN. (Smiles) I think that cannot be true. TRAINOR. Yes, it is. When I was a boy, there was a bully girl lived round the corner from me. I got her a set of books one day forty volumes leather covers dollar down and a dollar every month. 58 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN QUEEN. And she was not pleased? TRAINOR. (Drily) Sure! The very next week she ran off with a ribbon clerk, named Ethelbert. When they'd been married five years I was still paying for those books. I paid the last installment the day her oldest boy began going to school. (Both laugh) It's about time my luck changed. ( QUEEN x. to press) QUEEN. You are joking! TRAINOR. (Comes down) Nary a joke! If it wasn't for your merman I'd take you out this min- ute and show you a little bird with its toes turned up to the dandelion salad. QUEEN. I could not lunch with you. I have promised to take Cosaca. TRAINOR. Sounds like a medicine. For that tired feeling take Cosaca. Only Cosaca wouldn't be good for a tired feeling. QUEEN. (Takes the letter file to press) Poor fellow. TRAINOR. (Up to chair R. of table. Kneels on it) Poor! He ought to be earning the family bread and butter, and he's loafing around like a mil- lionaire. QUEEN. Just now the Baron is dreadfully humil- iated because I made him translate a little Italian. (Finishes with the file, puts it aside, and comes down) Cosaca is too old to learn new manners! It should be different with the King. TRAINOR. At least the King followed suit when he saw you at work. QUEEN. Herr Lauman says he does noth- ing. TRAINOR. Lauman's got his reasons for not wanting you to be Mrs. Stephen IV. So have I, but I never could see the fun of winning a game by cheating. QUEEN. Stephen has not behaved like a King. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 59 TRAINOR. That's just what he has behaved like. You're anxious for him to behave like a man. QUEEN. A man with royal blood in his veins should be the finest kind of a man. TRAINOR. Why? Royal blood means a fancy line of ancestors who've had very little to do, and have been given a great deal for doing it. A throne's pretty nearly the only thing you can get by just being born. QUEEN. By just being born a King. TRAINOR. "A man's a man for a' that." Lux- ury, idleness, indulgence are hindrances, not helps. It's the need to do things that makes men do them. QUEEN. "Over here a woman marries the man she loves." TRAINOR. Yes, and she can't be too particular about it. Marriages are a lot like mushrooms if it's a mushroom you live ; if it's a toadstool you die. QUEEN. I shall marry the man I love. (With sudden impulse) To-day the King told you we were betrothed. TRAINOR. With trimmings. QUEEN. Our betrothal ends to-morrow. TRAINOR. It does! Then to blazes wth objec- tions! You're tired, and we're both hungry, and the Baron is lost in Italy! I've got a motor car hanging around somewhere, and it's going to have its first experience with a Queen! QUEEN. Oh, no! I cannot! (Enter the BARON R.C.,) TRAINOR. That's right ! You go on saying "no," and while you're saying it, I'll find the motor. (Goes to L.IE., and gets hat from table) See if you can say "no" a thousand times before we start for a cool spot where they grow little brown birds and little green salad. (He exits. Off stage L.) Down ! 6o SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN BARON. (Coming down L.C. as QUEEN Xes up to tree) You do not mean to lunch with this plebeian ? QUEEN. (With sudden determination) Yes! Our engagement is postponed. BARON. But where is the King? QUEEN. (Putting on hat, etc.) The King is with Fraulein Lauman. I have done worrying about the King. BARON. Your Majesty! QUEEN I am not Your Majesty, and I am not his Majesty's Majesty. I am a woman and I want to be loved. BARON. You have the love of the King. QUEEN. I have seen no sign of it. BARON. You are pledged to him. QUEEN. Therefore, he leaves me and goes out with Mees Lauman. BARON. It were better that you lunched alone than with Herr Trainor. QUEEN. I am weary of being alone. (Xes L.) BARON. (Halting her) Your Majesty I cannot countenance your friendship for this commoner! I resign my post as Prime Minister of Herzegovina ! QUEEN. Very well ! You resign what is left of your post ! I am going to see a little green bird in a little brown salad ! (Enter TRAINOR, L.IE. He carries a great bunch of roses.) TRAINOR. Ready ? QUEEN. Quite ready. BARON. Will your Majesty give me leave to re- tire? QUEEN. With pleasure. (BARON struts up stage, and exits R.cJ TRAINOR. (Advances with flozvers) Can you -wear these at your waist ? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 61 QUEEN. (Delighted. Takes them and fondles -.them) Oh just such roses grew outside my cham- ber window at Mostar! May I put them on my -desk? TRAINOR. Put 'em wherever you like. (She .goes up. He xes R.) But hurry! (Enter KING L.IE.J We've thirty miles between us and lunch- eon ! ( Sees the KING) Ah, Herr Karlovac ! KING. Herr Trainor! QUEEN. I will be back in a moment. (Exits R.C.) KING, (c.) I told you a few minutes ago that I am engaged to the Queen ! TRAINOR. (c.) You didn't tell me that your engagement ends to-morrow ! KING. That does not concern you ! Her Majesty must wed one of her own rank ! TRAINOR. Which would give you quite a monop- oly ! You're the only King in America ! (Re-enter QUEEN R.cJ KING. I love the Queen. TRAINOR. So do I. I love her too much to lose her on account of a comic opera kingdom. KING. You are insolent. TRAINOR. We're on the same footing now. It's ,a fair field and no favor, and the best man wins. KING. The best man. Sir, I am the King of Bosnia ! QUEEN. (Back of desk) Herr Trainor! TRAINOR. (He and KING separate) Oh, here you are ! It's time we started ! QUEEN. I cannot go. I must speak with the King. TRAINOR. (Xes to L. KING goes up c.) Non- sense! You've had no luncheon QUEEN. Thank you for your invitation, but I 62 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN was wrong to accept it. (Sotto voce) I must take your advice." I must wait and see. TRAINOR. You know best. (BARON enters R.C. with hat. Comes down to L.iE.J Herr Karlovac, from to-morrow it's a fair field (He starts off, and collides with the BARON ) Baron, have you lunched ? BARON. (Unbendingly) No, sir. TRAINOR. Then I'll show you a little bird and a dandelion salad! (He drags the BARON, protest- ing, to door L.IE. and they exeunt. During this, the KING has gone up and lighted a cigarette. QUEEN regards him a moment, then takes off wraps, throws them on his desk and goes c.) QUEEN. I have just heard you say that you ("KiNG down L.cJ are fond of me KING. You have heard the truth. QUEEN. Then presumably you wish to be my husband. KING. (Goes to her. Sincerely) I want you to be my wife. QUEEN. It is almost the same thing. There is no use waiting longer on General Myrza. I am not going to marry you merely to please you. So per- haps it is time we had a chat. KING. Will you sit down? (He places chair for her, R. of table in front. She sits. Then he, draws up another chair L. of table in front and sits opposite her) QUEEN. Meester Trainor has told you that he is fond of me. KING. One of the mob ! QUEEN. Here we are all "of the mob." That is the first thing you must understand. I shall marry whom I choose, whether he wears a crown or a straw hat. KING. Herr Trainor has taught you this. QUEEN. As my father taught me that I must wed the ruler of Bosnia. I had thought of marriage SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 63 only as a duty to my nation. Meester Trainor made me comprehend the sweetness of loving and of being loved. KING. Oh, he did! QUEEN. Yes, but I wanted to be loved by you. (With sudden tenderness) The night you came I I liked you oh, very much! I said to you "I am just an ordinary person." I longed to be wooed like any ordinary girl. I pictured you winning me like any ordinary man. KING. (Rise. Starting forward) Then you do not care for the American? QUEEN. He is fine and strong and resolute but you seemed all of these and something else be- side. You were of my kind of my own people. You called me a Fairy Queen and I wanted you to be my Fairy Prince. (With feeling) I am so bit- terly disappointed. KING. What have I done? QUEEN. Nothing. KING. What would you have me do? QUEEN. I would have you conquer here as on a battlefield. What is the use of being a King if you cannot outstrip those who are not Kings? KING. I am a King in Bosnia ! QUEEN. Anybody can be a King on a throne! The difficult thing is to be a King without one! KING. In what respect have I failed? QUEEN. When you cared nothing for me you asked for your freedom, but, caring, you tried to rob me of mine. And you tried by telling half a lie. KING. We were betrothed! We are! QUEEN. Still you devote yourself to a girl whose father offers his fortune for your title. You have imposed cruel laws upon your subjects. You claim the due of a sovereign, yet make no effort to regain your throne. 64 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. There is no longer much chance of my return to Bosnia! QUEEN. True, and having lost everything there you do not try to gain anything here. You have seen me struggling alone, and you have never of- fered to help. You idle away your days and dance away your nights. The poorest, meanest lad in these streets strives more nobly than does your Maj- esty! KING. You are very hard ! QUEEN. I do not mean to be. You ask me to be your Queen and I ask you first to be my King. KING. Your King? QUEEN. (Rises) My King must value his word above his crown, and his crown above the greatest fortune in the world ! He must be true to his people, true to himself, true to the woman he loves ! KING. I do love you ! I will deserve to be your King! QUEEN. Then begin by doing the work there is to do. (Points to desk) Meester Trainor told you to file those letters. File them ! KING. Take orders from a commoner? QUEEN. Prove that you are his equal, even if you are his superior. Do your work ! KING. It is strange labor for a monarch. QUEEN. My King must be a monarch and a man! KING. You want QUEEN. I want to be proud of my King! Do your work! (KING stands a moment, looking at her, and then an air of resolution comes over him, he tosses away his cigarette, cuspidor L., throws off his coat, rolls up his sleeves, and going R. takes down an armful of files. QUEEN follows and then xes in back to L.C. KING goes back and gets letters. Is at R.C. busily sorting them, when enter LAUMAN. He stops short in surprise) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 65 LAUMAN. (At desk) Hello! What's this? QUEEN. (Proudly) Herr Karlovac is doing his work! LAUMAN. Huh! (Gives a letter to QUEEN) Translate this letter to Monsieur Achard. Right away, please. (QUEEN goes up, and, with a final look of satisfaction at the KING, exits R.c. LAU- MAN sits at desk L.) Where'd you leave Lizzie? KING. (Still packing) She left me. She had an engagement. LAUMAN. Let those things go for a while. I want to talk to you. KING. I must do my work. (Goes to desk. LAUMAN motions to him to sit. He does so. Pulls chair back to R. of desk) LAUMAN. You've been with my daughter a good deal of late. What do you think of her? KING. I think she is very charming. LAUMAN. (Wheeling around in chair) There ain't a finer girl anywhere. She's got an education that cost more than twenty thousand dollars. I may be a few chips shy on Latin and Trigonometry, but Lizzie's learned culture at the best schools in the country. KING. I can see that. LAUMAN. What I want to know is how you think she'd size up as the Queen of Bosnia? KING. As Queen of LAUMAN. Bosnia. As your wife. I s'pose it seems funny that I should set store by a title but I do. Our family was bang-up, but it hadn't any money. Now I've got the money I find my daughter ain't good enough for a lot of these swells so I'm going to talk business to you. KING. (Rises, as if to walk away) I do not love Fraulein Lauman. LAUMAN. (Reaches out and takes his sleeve) I said business- not poetry. (Drops the sleeve) 66 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN Lauman & Son is worth five million dollars. (Rises) The day you marry my daughter I'm the Lauman and you're the Son ! KING. But I am no longer the King of Bosnia. LAUMAN. Leave that to me. First time I looked at Bosnia in the Atlas, I thought it was a postage stamp that had got stuck to the map! Sit down! (KING sits reluctantly. LAUMAN takes paper from pocket, spreads it before him, and resumes his seat) How big an army would it take to put you back on your throne? KING. My friends had hoped to do it with three thousand men. LAUMAN. Three thousand more Americans would make it sure ! (Figures on blotter, and then writes result on paper) Three thousand men at twenty dollars a month is sixty thousand dollars, ain't it? KING. Yes. LAUMAN. (Turns paper to him) I've got the rest figured out grub, transportation, arms and am- munition. For a quarter of a million I can hand you Bosnia bottled up and labeled "Shake well before taking." KING. (Dazed) A quarter of a million ! LAUMAN. And the joke is we got a string on it. Soon's you're in power you call that quarter mil- lion a national debt, soak on war taxes and make 'em settle for their own licking! KING. (Sotto voce) My King must be true to his people! LAUMAN. What did you say? KING. (Rising) I say isn't that very much like stealing ? LAUMAN. Stealing? No! Politics, business, common sense ! You get a wife, a throne, and a for- tune free gratis ! That's the scheme ; what do you .think of it ? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 67 KING. It is a quaint idea, but it is impos- sible. LAUMAN. Impossible? Why, I've got it figured out right here ! (Bangs fist on paper) KING. It is impossible to me ! I have been King of Bosnia by grace of God and the will of my peo- ple! I cannot buy my throne, nor take it at the point of alien bayonets. Do you not see that I am right ? LAUMAN. Go on. KING. Whatever else I did I could not rob my country to pay its invaders. That would be theft, and I am not a thief. LAUMAN. (With suppressed rage) Oh, you're not! KING. Last of all, I could not wed Fraulein Lauman. She cares nothing for me, and I I love Queen Anna! LAUMAN. You didn't when you agreed to marry her! KING. She was the Queen of Herzegovina. LAUMAN. And my daughter ain't. (Springs up, almost mastered by his rage) She ain't good enough for you and your toy kingdom ! KING. I do not mean that. LAUMAN. (Giving way to his temper) That's what you say ! Well, it's your crown I'm willing to buy! I got the measure of the man under it, and let me tell you my daughter may not be good enough for a throne, but she's a damned sight too good for a thief ! (Enter QUEEN R.cJ KING. ( Starts forward ) How dare you? I QUEEN. (Coming down c. KING gets R.cJ Here is your letter. LAUMAN. (Xes down front of table. Turning 68 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN to her) Never mind the letter ! I'll tell you a few things about Stephen of Bosnia ! KING. Please LAUMAN. Stephen of Bosnia, who has a king- dom put in his hand and won't take it ! QUEEN. (Half to KING) And won't take it? (X. to KING. He nods) LAUMAN. (To KING) You see you'd better've married my daughter, for you've lost whatever chance you had with the Queen. (Enter CORA, L.IE. She slips unobtrusively around to c. whence she goes quietly to her switch- board.) QUEEN. (To LAUMAN,) You proposed to restore Stephen's throne if he would share it with your daughter ? LAUMAN. Yes, and fair enough, too. He prefers being a beggar. He talks school-boy rot about love, and "alien bayonets" and robbing his people. Well, maybe he won't rob his people, but he ain't had any objection to robbing me ! QUEEN. Robbing you? KING. (x. to LAUMAN,) Once for all, what do you mean by that ? LAUMAN. (To QUEEN ) I mean that I'm paying rent for that cottage in Austria! The twenty dol- lars you showed me is mine. That fellow stole it from me to give you ! QUEEN. But that money was sent to Cosaca. LAUMAN. Handed to Cosaca by this King ! Ask him! Ask him if the twenty dollars didn't come from him ! QUEEN. (To KING) Did it? KING. Yes. QUEEN. But why? KING. I wanted to help you. I meant to divide SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 69 my salary with you. (QUEEN'^ face shows great delight) But I have taken nothing that was not mine ! Whoever says so, lies ! LAUMAN. Oh lies! I marked them bills and mailed 'em in an envelope addressed to me ! If you look at 'em you'll see my initials in my handwrit- ing! (Enter SHERMAN R.C. with basket of letters. He comes down) What have you got to say about that? KING. (Sees SHERMAN,) I say this money came from Herr Sherman ! (Against desk; QUEEN below press) LAUMAN. (To SHERMAN,) You gave him them bills ? SHERMAN. ( c.) I never saw them before in my life! LAUMAN. There! KING. You believe him ? LAUMAN. I believe my own eyes! That's my writing! QUEEN. (To KINGJ Surely you can explain. KING. (With dignity) He takes this man's word in preference to mine. I will explain noth- ing. LAUMAN. Oh, you won't ! Well, I'm sick of copy- book maxims ! I've made a businesslike proposition, and I want a businesslike answer, and if the answer ain't "y es " you go to jail ! (SHERMAN back of desk with letter) KING. Then I will go to jail. LAUMAN. You'd rather have prison than my (Checks himself. Then in a fury) Then, by God, that's where you'll go! (Up stage c. to CORA) Miss Fitzgerald Police headquarters and ask for Captain Donaghey! QUEEN, (x. to LAUMAN. Clings to him) Oh, no I You must not ! You do not realize what yom are doing! 70 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN LAUMAN. (SHERMAN starts to R.C. door. KING xes to desk) Captain Donaghey! (Shakes off the QUEEN ) In my office! (Exits. QUEEN remains up stage. Pause. The two men stand looking at each other; then the KING takes a step toward SHER- MAN, and, with a quick movement, knocks him down. QUEEN and CORA both scream) SHERMAN. (Struggles to his feet, and makes at KING) Damn you ! (Commotion. Enter LAUMAN, MARGARET, the Por- ter and one or two clerks) LAUMAN. (To SHERMAN,) Stop that! (SHER- MAN steps back to R. after QUEEN comes down. QUEEN down L.C., runs to Porter) Riley, take this fellow to the nearest policeman. (Porter goes L. and grips KING, who displaces his hand) KING. Please! (Joins QUEEN ) I am a poor sample of a Fairy Prince. To-morrow will be the twelfth of June. You are free. (He returns to door. Porter moves toward him) I will go alone. (Porter reaches out hand, but receives a look of such kingliness that, without knowing why, he slinks back and bows. KING passes him and exits L.IE. Porter follows him, with SHERMAN and the Clerks. MARGARET exits into TRAI NCR'S office, CORA resumes her seat at the switchboard, all is quiet again) LAUMAN. (R.C.) I told you to get through with this fellow ! I told you he was a loafer, a no-good, a failure! Now maybe you'll listen to me! QUEEN. (L.C. Very quietly) Now maybe you will listen to me. I like his kind of failure better than your kind of success. Take your money LAUMAN. Oh, so you admit it's mine? QUEEN. No but I am in your debt for letting me see that what men are is as important as what they do. Take your money. (She lays it on desk) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 71 I owe you something for showing me my King! ( Goes L.) Good-bye, Meester Lauman. (Exits) CURTAIN (SECOND CURTAIN: LAUMAN stands stupefied, looking after her.) (THIRD CURTAIN: He throws the bills furi- ously into the waste basket, and exits into his office, slamming the door behind him.) ACT III SCENE: The "parlor" of the "flat" in St. Nicholas Avenue. The stage is so set as to have the shape or a triangle whose base is the curtain line. R.IE. a door leading to the hall. R.3E. old-fashioned folding doors with extensive backing, so that, when they open, it is possible to see the detail of another room. Between these, conventional "gas log" fireplace, topped by a triangular man- tel shelf. Bookcases at the apex of the triangle contain no books. Windows L.IE. looking out on upper stories of apartments across the street. Long couch between these windows. Trunk, same as seen in Act I, down stage L. Table c. with plush cover, sewing basket, box of candy, one or two books, bird cage and canary, 'writing materials, stack of envelopes, etc. Gas chandelier hangs from ceiling and there are jets on wall L. Chairs R. and L. and back of table. Small table down R. front of mantel and chair just above couch. The room has a marked ap- pearance of emptiness. Save a couple df photo- graphs evidently of court personages, on the mantel shelf; one or two tiny reproductions of celebrated paintings on the wall, and two flags, respectively of Bosnia and Herzogovina, the first draped at the mantel, and the second over the chair, there is nothing "homey" or decora- tive. An auctioneer or a pawnbroker might go over the room with a fine-tooth comb and find nothing except the furniture, salable or pawn- 72 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 7$ able. The crown is in a hat box on a stand at fireplace. IT Is FOUR O'CLOCK THE AFTERNOON o? JULY 14. AT RISE: QUEEN is sweeping room with carpet sweeper. Comes forward and R. to L. of T. QUEEN. (To Bird) Why do you not sing, Bimbi ? Are you tired, too ? ( She drops the sweep- er and sinks into chair L. of table) Poor little Bimbi ! Lonely for the roses and the sunshine ! So am I, Bimbi only let us both sing just a little while longer. Perhaps some day we shall be going home ! (Bell. Tears come into her voice and eyes. COSACA knocks at door R. She rises, dries her eyes, takes sweeper to L., puts it down and speaks, above lower window) Come in! (BARON enters. Bows low) BARON. Guten Tag, Fraulein. QUEEN. Where is Herr Karlovac? BARON. (Coming slightly forward) Still search- ing for employment. QUEEN. (To L. of T.) No one wants us. In the whole city, there is no one who cares whether we live or die. (Takes bird cage to upper window and hangs it there) Come, Bimbi see the people who do not care whether we live or die. BARON. (Taking small silver from pocket, and laying it on table) This is from the little pictures you gave me last night. QUEEN. (Coming to L. of T.) How much did they bring? BARON. With the statuette ninety cents. I have made a catalogue. (Hands to QUEEN. Coming to R. of T.) QUEEN. (Inspects the list) Two Madonnas for a quarter, and but ten cents for the Holy Family. 74 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN BARON. (Examining fringe on shirt cuffs and sitting R. of T.) I got half a dollar for the marble Venus. QUEEN. But only a nickel for Moses ! BARON. (Reaching for scissors on T., sees choco- lates) Whence came these chocolates? QUEEN. (Sitting L. of T.) From Meester Trainor. I wish it were polite to send a pound of beefsteak. BARON. (Commences to trim shirt cuffs) Choc- olate is very nourishing. I know where we can get three dollars. QUEEN. Three dollars! Where? BARON. From the animal store man across the way. He wants to buy Bimbi ! (Looks at her. She glares at him indignantly. He turns away) QUEEN. Not for three thousand dollars ! ( Ris- ing, goes L. and pulls down window blind to hide bird from the covetous fancier) I would as soon sell you ! BARON. (Commences to trim R. cuff) Something must be done. We cannot hold out much longer. QUEEN. (Coming to back of T.) This morning I answered six advertisements. At the river-side I passed a steamer just in from Triest. (At sound of Triest, BARON stops trimming and looks up pa- thetically) It was pleasant to see a thing that only a few days ago was so near our home. BARON. Home ! (His hand drops, tears come into his eyes. Pause. Then, with assumed gaiety, he turns to her) All other fashions change but fringe remains the natural ornament. QUEEN. (Sitting back of T.) Never mind! I shall make our fortune addressing envelopes. BARON. Still a letter might have come on that steamer. QUEEN. (Commencing to address envelopes) To-day's mail is on the mantel. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 75 BARON. So. (Rising and going to mantel) QUEEN. I have stopped opening letters. They are always bills. BARON. (Coming to R.C. and opening letter. With a sigh) There is nothing- here from Herze- govina. (Reads first letter) "If you do not settle immediately your gas will be shut off." (Puts letter on table, and immediately opens next) QUEEN. I told you. BARON. How can we see if they shut off our gas? (Reads second letter) This is headed "Na- tional Amusement Company." QUEEN. (Looking up at him) Have we had any amusement ? BARON. (Reads) "The arrest and release of the King of Bosnia got so much advertising that I can secure you both an engagement in vaudeville." (Crushes paper and angrily throws it under table) Insolence! (Opens a long envelope) QUEEN. That looks official. BARON. This is from Herr Quigg. He has noti- fied Herr Stanton that if the rent is not paid you will be put out of doors. (Puts it on T. and turns away to R.) QUEEN. Put out of doors? (Her lips trem- ble. Pause. Then assuming gaiety) Well, if we are put out we shall not care whether the gas is shut off or not ! BARON. What is threatened to you has happened to us. We have been evicted. QUEEN. (Shocked rises) And you did not tell me. BARON. The King forbade it. He will be angry that you know. Last night we slept in a public park. When we parted this morning neither of us had eaten since yesterday at noon! QUEEN. But the ninety cents 76 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN BARON. Ah, that was your money. Herr Karl- ovac would not take it. (Bell rings off R.2.) QUEEN. There is Herr Karlovac. {'BARON ex- its R.2E. QUEEN goes to L. of table. Pause) KING. (Outside R.2E.J Is our lady within? (He enters, comes to front of T. QUEEN steps down- to meet him. He wears dark uniform trousers, and carries a small bunch of half faded sweet peas) Ah, Fraulein. QUEEN. What luck to-day? KING. Great luck! Half a dollar earned, and, after lunching lavishly I still have forty cents. (Presents the sweet peas) Will you accept these flowers ? QUEEN. With many thanks. (She goes to back of table, puts peas on T., then goes up, gets pitcher of water, brings it down, pours some water in glass, puts bouquet in it, then takes pitcher back) KING. (At the same time picks up piece of chocolate from box on table, and Xing to bird, puts it in cage) My compliments, Herr Bimbi ! (Turn- ing to QUEEN x. to L. of table) Oh, it is pleasant to see you after a day among strangers ! QUEEN. (Coming to R. of T., referring to trous- ers) To-day you are half a soldier. KING. This morning I tore my other trousers. That was a tragedy ! (Enter BARON R.2E. He car- ries a large suitcase, covered with stickers, zvhich he places in arch by bookcase, then goes to window above and looks out) They are in that case. QUEEN. Perhaps I can sew them. KING. I could not permit it. (Smiles) They need the rest. (He sits L. of table) QUEEN. And so, I fear, do you! You must have slept very badly. (Sitting R. of T.) KING. What makes you think that ? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 77 QUEEN. The night was warm. KING. Our room was nice and cool. (The BARON turns and moves toward c., coughing a warn- ing) Is that not so, Cosaca? BARON. Ja ja ja ja and quite draughty! {Coming to R.c.j QUEEN. I am sure the bed was uncomfortable. KING. A little hard, perhaps, and somewhat narrow, but one woke much refreshed and BARON.- Hungry! KING. Yes, and hungry. QUEEN. So then, I suppose, you had a good breakfast. ("BARON turns to KING anxiously) KING. We ate everything that was set before us! BARON. Lieber Gott ! (Turning to R., disgusted) QUEEN. (Her voice trembling with emotion) Which was nothing at all! (KiNG springs up) You see, I know ! KING. (Sternly) Baron Cosaca! BARON. The truth would out, Sire! (Turning to him respectfully) QUEEN. (Rises. On the verge of tears) The truth would out, and, oh, it is unbearable! (Turn- ing to COSACA, who is standing R.C., head bent with emotion) Cosaca ! (He steps forward with formal military precision) Get my crown! KING. What will you do? QUEEN. Pawn the crown jewels. BARON. But you said QUEEN. No matter what I said! BARON. (Turns up to table. Pause. Takes up hat box with crown. Lifting it from hat box rev- erently) Majesty! (Going to her ivith it, and ex- tending it to her) The crown ! QUEEN. (Receiving it in reverential awe. Turn- ing it, holding it before her. Pause) The crown ! (Then, with imposing dignity, crowns herself. The 78 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING comes to military attention and COSACA drops to his knees R.cJ Oh, I am a Queen ! I am really and truly a Queen ! KING. Never was one more truly ! QUEEN. For six hundred years this band has belonged to sovereigns of Herzogovina. It has adorned their brows on coronation days, and, I am sure, not one but thought within its golden circle, "I will be a good Queen to my people." (Removes the crown from her head. BARON rises. She turns to him) How can I force out a jewel? BARON. (Advancing to her) Try the scissors. QUEEN. Of course ! (Turns, sits R. of table and takes scissors, undecided which jewel to detach first) KING. No you must not. To-morrow I shall find work. I cannot use your money. QUEEN. Our money. We are partners now ! KING. Partners in ill fortune. QUEEN. And in good fortune! Partners what- ever comes. BARON. (Who is looking over her shoulder) Begin with the smallest diamond. QUEEN. My great-great-grandfather had that from the Sultan Mahmud. Here it goes. (Makes to pry it loose) KING. A position was in my grasp to-day, but it slipped through my fingers. QUEEN. How ? (Looks up at KINGJ KING. The usual way ! (x. to L.) Would you want a cashier who had been charged with theft? It is always the same ! A dozen newspapers printed my picture. I am recognized; then there is whis- pering, and, "The position has been filled." Oh, it is unjust unjust. ("BARON turns to R.J QUEEN. And yet "The Nation's merchants must be protected." KING. You say that! SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 79 QUEEN. No you! It was the reason for the law you made in Bosnia! KING. (Returns c.) It was a cruel law. If I go back it shall be repealed. QUEEN. With some other harsh measures? (BARON impatiently turns to her, taking out hand- kerchief) KING. With all other harsh measures! One cannot know how to make laws until one has been bound by them. BARON. (Spreading his handkerchief on her lap) Now one good push and out comes the Sultan's dia- mond. ( QUEEN forces out stone, it falls in handker- chief, the BARON takes the handkerchief, same time rolling stone up in it. Retreats a step) QUEEN. Nun! (Rising and giving crown to BARON. ) Some day the Court Jeweler shall return it to the crown. ( Bell rings off R.2E.J Cosaca, the door. (Puts crown on mantel and BARON exits R.2E. The QUEEN to R. of T.) It was brave of you to keep from me your troubles. KING. That was the least I could do and it seems to be the most! TRAINOR. (Off R.2EJ Good evening, Baron! BARON. (Off R.2E.J Good evening, Herr Trainor ! KING. (Recognising the voice as TRAINOR'S,) If a better man comes you must not feel bound by our old troth. (QUEEN looks at him gratefully and goes toward door, as TRAINOR enters, followed by BARON. TRAINOR carries a huge bunch of roses.) TRAINOR. Good evening! QUEEN. (Extending hand, which TRAINOR takes) You are quite a stranger. TRAINOR. Two weeks in Chicago! (Sees the KING,) Good afternoon, Herr Karlovac. (KiNG bows. TRAINOR gives flowers to QUEEN ) Some more palace window roses. ('BARON turns and puts So SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN crown in "box and replaces it in hiding place P.P.) QUEEN. Thank you so much. (Goes up stage for pitcher on bookcase. Brings it down and puts it on table) KING. (Xing R. to TRAINORJ Herr Trainor, I owe you my rescue from an embarrassing predica- ment. TRAINOR. I merely mentioned to my employer that he was behaving like a (Lowers his voice) damned fool! KING. That was both kind and wise. BARON. (Coming down from F.P. R. of TRAINOR,) Come, your Majesty ! The shops will all be closed. QUEEN. (She has come down, and is arranging roses in pitcher on table) I shall put some of those roses near Bimbi. They will remind him of home. (Takes half a dozen flowers to cage) TRAINOR. (Xing to her, sits on trunk) Great idea ! QUEEN. (Fastening blossoms to wire of cage) At Mostar, Bimbi hung just outside my window. He used to wake me in the morning singing to the flowers. (During this speech, which is more or less ad. lib., the KING sees his tiny bunch of sweet peas lying next to TRAINOR'S magnificent bouquet of roses. Goes to back of table and picks up the peas, compares them mentally with the roses, smiles rather sadly, and drops his flowers in the waste basket, which is in front of table) KING. (Moving to R.c.J Auf wiedersehen, Frau- lein. QUEEN. (Coming to L.C.) Come back soon. We will have dinner here. BARON. Dinner ! KING. There are only two things that can make the Baron forget having missed breakfast one is luncheon and the other dinner! Good day, Herr Trainor. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 81 (KING exits. BARON bows and follows him,) TRAINOR. (After general laugh moving from trunk to above table c.) I saw Kerr Karlovac yesterday. QUEEN. He said nothing of it. TRAINOR. Oh, he didn't see me. He was just ?)ing into a store. It was hardly nine o'clock, our sovereign is turning out to be real gold. QUEEN. (Moving to L. of table) You were right it is the need to do things that makes men do them. TRAINOR. (R. of table) The need and an in- centive like you. You're every kind of a brick but a gold brick. QUEEN. (Smiles) Is that a compliment? (TRAINOR turns chair R. of table and stands between table and chair R.) TRAINOR. You bet! QUEEN. Slang? (He nods. She becomes seri- ous. Sits L. of table) Do you know, I am glad we fell out of the fairy book ? This has been a sort of college, and our troubles such good lessons. TRAINOR. Trouble's in the kindergarten class for most of us. The worries that are so new to you are old to nine out of ten of your people. If you go back, don't forget that. The commonest man in your kingdom can love and hate and suffer exactly as if he was a King. QUEEN. I shall not forget. TRAINOR. We've argued about Kings and Queens as though a label changed what's in the can. It don't. "The Colonel's Lady and Judy O'Grady are sisters under their skins." QUEEN. I begin to believe that. TRAINOR. (Both hands on table, leaning over to her. Delighted) You do ! Then just for a minute I'm going to talk to you as if you were Judy 82 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN O'Grady. I'm going to forget everything on earth, except that I'm a man, and you're a woman, and I love you! QUEEN. (Rises and taking a step L.) I did not want you to tell me. I did not mean that you should. TRAINOR. (Coming to front of table R.) I've given you two weeks' notice and three days' grace and all the warnings in the calendar! I wouldn't have said anything now, but I've got to go away for a long time and I thought you might go with me! QUEEN. (Turning to him. The idea of his de- parture supplanting all else in her mind) You are going away? TRAINOR. Saturday for the firm to Central America. Lauman's giving me a farewell party to- morrow. I mayn't be back for six months. (He brings tickets from pocket and shows them) I've got steamship tickets for two. I've got everything neces- sary for a bridal trip except the bride. (Both in front of table) QUEEN. And you want to be married to-morrow ? TRATNOR. To-morrow or next day or right now. It isn't so much when it's who. QUEEN. (Looking at him) I shall be very lonely without you. ( TRAINOR turns away, showing his disappointment. Pause) I think no woman ever had a better friend than you. I have been selfish about you ! I knew you were fond of me, but I I so needed a friend I hoped you might be willing to go on being just that. TRAINOR. (A little stunned) Just a friend? (Putting tickets back into envelope and into his coat pocket, x. to R.cJ QUEEN. Nothing else is possible. TRAINOR. (Turns. Catches at a straw) You're not free yet ? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 83 QUEEN. (Misses the sweet peas, spies them in the basket, stoops, picks them up, and holds them close) I am free, but I love my King! (A long silence) TRAINOR. Well, my luck hasn't changed. (Bell off R.2.; Shall I answer the bell? QUEEN. Please. TRAINOR. (Xing to door R.2J If I can't make myself loved, I make myself useful. (Exits. QUEEN has sweet peas in her hand. Takes pitcher of roses from table and puts them on bookcase up stage center. Stands a moment. Off at R.) Why, Bess! ELISABETH. (Outside) Bob! I'd no idea of finding you here. ( QUEEN expresses idea that the voices have suggested to her the natural solution of -the situation. She smiles, and, wi.th the peas, exits R.3E. Enter ELISABETH and TRAINOR) TRAINOR. Sit down. Fraulein will be back in a moment. ( ELISABETH waits. After a moment she goes to TRAINOR, and puts her hand in comradely fashion on his shoulder) ELISABETH. (With exquisite sympathy) It's pretty rough, old man, isn't it? TRAINOR. What ? ELISABETH. (Hurt, but still friendly) Didn't you want me to know ? I beg your pardon. TRAINOR. (Turns to her whole-heartedly) I beg yours. We're too old friends to have secrets from each other. It is rough. ELISABETH. Is there no hope at all? TRAINOR. Not much. (A pause) ELISABETH. I suppose I ought to tell you, "There are just as good fish in the sea." I won't. When there's only one fish you want, the others might as well not be there. TRAINOR. That's right. ELISABETH. Let's talk about something else. 84 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN (Sits R. of table) Father's got a Hungarian Or- chestra for your party. TRAINOR. (Leaning over back of table) It's awfully good of him. Are you going to ask her? ELISABETH. Do you mind? TRAINOR. Mind! Bess, there's no air worth breathing except the air she breathes. (Attempting to cover his pain) And I always thought love was a joke. ELISABETH. Not to people who love! It's the prize heartache of the bunch, and it sticks to you like a brother ! TRAINOR. (Comprehending only that she is a fellow sufferer. Turns to her sharply) Why Bess ? ELISABETH. (Rising, going R. a step. Trying to laugh) You see, I've been fishing, too! (Enter QUEEN R-3E.J QUEEN. (Advances to ELISABETH, R. of her, with extended hand. They shake) I regret having kept you waiting. ELISABETH. It was only a moment. QUEEN. Please be seated and you, too, Herr Trainor. TRAINOR. (Going to foot of table, gets hat) Oh, I must be going ! (x. to R.J ELISABETH. (Crossing to back of table for bag she laid there when she sat down) Don't let me drive you away. Or, rather, do let me drive you away. The car's outside. TRAINOR. (At door R.2.J I've got to stop at 12 W. I25th Street. ELISABETH. (Making note and moving L.) Twelve. I'll call for you. TRAINOR. I'll be there about five minutes. (ELISA- BETH turns away. To QUEEN ) Good-bye! QUEEN. (Coming to him and holding out her hand) Shall we say au revoir? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 85, TRAINOR. (Quickly taking her hand) May I come back in an hour ? QUEEN. Whenever you please. TRAINOR. I've so little time left to bother you. (To ELISABETH,) In five minutes, Bess. (Exit R.2E.J ELISABETH. (At L. of table. Covering an awk- ward pause, points to envelopes QUEEN has been addressing) What a stack of letters! QUEEN. (Embarrassed) Yes. (Quickly) I have to answer all my own mail now. (Points to chair L.) Won't you sit down? ELISABETH. (Sitting L. of T.) I've started to see you at least once every day for a month. (Sits) I've two errands now. QUEEN. ( Sitting R. of table ) Yes? ELISABETH. First, I want to tell you how sorry my father is about Herr Karlovac. QUEEN. (Suddenly freezing) Had he not better say that to Herr Karlovac? ELISABETH. He will gladly! (Takes out note- book) What is Herr Karlovac's address? QUEEN. Two hundred and (Remembers that he has no address. Utterly at a loss for an in- stant, and then recovers) Oh ! But he will be here presently. ELISABETH. (Puts up note-book) Thanks. Father's got a terrible temper. There are certain advantages he never had, and so it bothers him at times. QUEEN. Naturally. ELISABETH. I don't want you to understand that I'm ashamed of my father. I'm not. I'm ^ very proud of him. He's fought from the beginning against big odds, and he's won. Only, if it hadn't been for the odds, he wouldn't have forgotten him- self. QUEEN. (Much affected. Rises. Coming to S6 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN front of table, goes to ELISABETH, who also rises and holds out her hand. They shake; then, while their hands are still locked, she speaks impressively) You are a gold brick ! ELISABETH. (Startled for a moment; then real- izes that the remark is meant to be a compliment. Laughs, and gives QUEEN'S hand a vigorous, final shake) Thank you. Of course, you got the twenty dollars! Mr. Sherman confessed, you know, and then QUEEN. Please say no more. You had another errand ? ELISABETH. Oh, yes! Mr. Trainor's told you he's going away? (QuEEN nods) Well, we're giv- ing him a little good-bye party, and we'd like so much to have you and Herr Karlovac. QUEEN. I fear it is impossible. ELISABETH. Then you haven't forgiven us. ("QUEEN puts out her hand dissentingly ) QUEEN. Oh ! Yes yes ELISABETH. Then why won't you come? QUEEN. I have no oh that is, we are expect- ing guests. ELISABETH. Bring them along. Father will be glad to have them. QUEEN. Oh ! No No No ELISABETH. (Xing over to door R.2.J Well, at least, leave the matter open. You can tell Mr. Trainor to-night if you'll come. QUEEN. Shall you not wait for Herr Karlovac? ELISABETH. (Turning to QUEEN ) My five min- utes are up. (At door) We shall all miss Mr. Trainor. QUEEN. (Sadly) He is the one friend I have made in America. ELISABETH. We were children together. He's the finest, truest man I've ever known. (Moves to center and stops) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 87 QUEEN. I can believe that. ELISABETH. He'll make the woman he loves very happy. And happiness is worth so much more than position or anything else isn't it? QUEEN. Yes. (Bell. Rap on door R.2E. ) Come in. (Opens door Enter the BARON) Alone? BARON. (Utterly discouraged. When he sees ELISABETH affects composure) Yes. ELISABETH. Good afternoon, Baron. You're working for Lord & Graham these days, aren't you? BARON. (Confused) No, no, I am not. ELISABETH. (Observing nothing) That's queer. Will Graham showed me your letter and I told him you were just the man ! QUEEN. (Amazed to BARON,) Cosaca you applied for a position? BARON. (Pulling himself up) Yes. ELISABETH. Well, good-bye again. Don't for- get, anyone you bring will be welcome. (Xing to door) Good-bye, Baron. (She exits. As she Xes BARON bows to her and Xes to R. of T. Pause) QUEEN. Cosaca, you applied for a position? BARON. (Apologetically) W r e were so miser- ably poor. It broke my heart to see you in want. For two weeks I have been going from place to place. QUEEN. And got nothing? BARON. (Wretchedly) I am too old. QUEEN. (With infinite pity) Cosaca! BARON. They all say that! (Draws himself to his full height) I am only sixty! At what age, I should like to know, are men ripest and most ex- perienced? Yet their beardless striplings are valu- able, while I Cosaca twenty years Prime Minis- ter of Herzogovina have outlived my usefulness! (He breaks down) I am too old ! (Sinks into chair R. of T.) 88 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN QUEEN. (Coming to him and half embracing him. Sympathetically) My dear, dear friend! (Moving to back of table) Now I am glad we have pawned the crown jewels! I will confess! I regretted it the moment you left. I said, "Anyone of my glori- ous ancestors would have starved without profaning the crown !" But now now I am glad ! BARON. (Rises. Turning away to R.) Gott! QUEEN. (Alarmed) What is it, Cosaca ? BARON. One of your ancestors was not so glori- ous. The jewels are paste. QUEEN. (Dazed) Not diamonds? BARON. Not for more than a hundred years. The pawnbroker declares such paltry imitations are no longer made. QUEEN. (Passionately. Xing to L. of table) It cannot be true ! 'I'he man is a swindler ! BARON. (Turning to her) I thought of that. Herr Karlovac has gone to a jeweler of whose honesty he is certain. (Bell rings off R.2E. BARON rises) He has returned, Majesty ! QUEEN. Open the door, Cosaca. I cannot. (BARON bows and exits R.2E. QUEEN goes to chair L. of table, sits. Pause. KING enters to R. of table. BARON follows him and stands at door with head bowed. Pause) The pawnbroker lied ? KING. (Sorrowfully) No. QUEEN. (After a pause, during which she has bravely conquered her emotion. Snaps her fingers, rises, Xing down L. When there) It is no matter. (Moving to L. of T., sits) Come, we will address envelopes. BARON. (Moving to R.c.J Bravo! KING. (Moving to back of table) Bravissima! (Bell rings off R.2E.) QUEEN. Good news! (BARON exits hnrriedh SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 89 R.2E. Very short pause. She calls) Who is it, Cosaca ? BARON. ( Outside R.2E.) A messenger boy. (En- ters, followed by a messenger with a cablegram) QUEEN. You have a message? MESSENGER. Cablegram. QUEEN. (Rising) Give it to me. ('BARON starts to take it) MESSENGER. Four dollars and twenty-five cents. (All are struck dumb. BARON staggers back. Each looks hopelessly at the others. KING draws out his forty cents. QUEEN picks up the ninety cents on table. They turn to BARON. He shakes his head, showing his empty pocket, then suddenly inspired, he stares at Bimbi. QUEEN follozvs his gaze. KING also. He turns to BARON inquiringly) BARON. We have been offered three dollars for Bimbi. ( QUEEN looks at cage) QUEEN. (Firmly) No. (The BARON moves to L.; KING. (Xing down to messenger) Let us first see the message. MESSENGER. Against the rules. BARON. (To QUEEN over her shoulder) Last night I dreamed that you were recalled to the throne. QUEEN. (To bird) Good-bye, Bimbi. (Hands cage to BARON ) Run ! (BARON takes cage, Xes to door) % KING. (Catches him) Stop ! In a week I shall pay the man fifty dollars for that bird! BARON. Yes! KING. (Halting him at door) Tell him that if he sells to anyone else I shall spit him like a goose ! BARON. I will. (Exits R.2E J QUEEN. (Running to door, calls) And, oh, Cosaca tell him that Bimbi is very fond of choco- late creams! (Turns and comes back to R. of T. 90 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN Sinks into chair and buries her head in her arms) Oh, my little bird my little Bimbi ! KING. (Looks at her in helpless misery. Then y feeling that he must vent himself upon someone, he turns to the MESSENGER) See, Varlet! See the wretchedness you have caused! MESSENGER. Aw it's only a bird! KING. (Goes to QUEEN) You shall have Bimbi back. (Re-enter BARON. He bursts into the room with bills in hand) BARON. (Going straight to QUEEN ) I met the animal man on the landing. He was taking a squir- rel upstairs. (The QUEEN gives him her ninety cents the KING gives him his forty cents. BARON takes both sums and goes to MESSENGER) Hier damit ! Junger Schapkopf ! (Snatches message from him and passes it to KING, who in turn passes it to QUEEN, who feverishly and expectantly opens it, throwing envelope on floor. BARON meanwhile signs the message book and waves to MESSENGER, who exits. Then BARON comes to R. of KING. All three are excited. When QUEEN has message open she reads) QUEEN. "Bouncing boy born yesterday. Cable thousand francs immediately. John." BARON. John ! (All are transfixed with amaze- ment. KING snatches up envelope from floor) KING. It is addressed Stanton. BARON. Stan ! (Turning to him) The gen- tleman from whom we rent this flat. His name is still on the door. (Bell rings off R.2) Perhaps the messenger has discovered his mistake. (Rushes off R.2E. Pause) COUNT MAVICHEC. (Outside R.2E.) Lieber Baron. BARON. ( Outside R.2E.) Excellenz! IstesMog- lich? Gott sei dank, Majesty ! (Enters quickly and goes straight to QUEEN) Majesty, the Count Ma- vichec ! (The QUEEN joyously rises, faces R. KING SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 91 to back of T. The BARON buttons coat; erect, he is at once the dignified Prime Minister again. COUNT MAVICHEC enters R.2E.J QUEEN. (Extending her hand which the COUNT takes and kisses and falls back again to a respectful distance) Your Excellency is most welcome. COUNT. I am here with a secret embassy from your Majesties' Kingdoms. KING. From both? COUNT. The Bosnian envoy sailed with us from Triest. It is General Myrza. KING AND BARON. Myrza ! COUNT. At what hour shall we have audience? QUEEN. At nine o'clock to-night. COUNT. I will inform the other gentlemen. Have I your Majesty's grace to retire? CQuEEN nods. He backs to door a step) QUEEN. Hold! You had better wait on us in an hour. COUNT. Your Majesty. QUEEN. Or say so quickly as you can return. COUNT. The embassy is not far away. (He backs to door and exits. The moment he has gone all is joyous and happy excitement. The QUEEN Xes to L. Ad. lib. exclamations. The BARON Xes to R. of T.) BARON. Gott sei dank! Endlich haben wir den tag. ( QUEEN sits L. of T., KING back of T. and BARON R. of T. In the midst of their excitement, QUIGG enters R.2E.J BARON. It can mean but one thing! QUEEN. Oh, surely but one thing ! We are go- ing back! KING. To Bosnia! BARON. And Herzogovina. QUEEN. Oh, I am so happy so happy so happy ! (Beating on table with both hands) KING. There is a vessel to Triest on Saturday. 92 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN BARON. My dream was so vivid. I felt sure someone had arrived on that steamer! (Turning front in chair) KING. At last they have come to their senses. BARON. I hope there are not too many demands. (Workman enters. QUIGG goes to door and calls in two more, who immediately proceed un- der his direction to remove the furniture re- maining idle. This business must be in the dis- cretion of the Stage Director. Reserving, how- ever, as the last piece of furniture, the chair in which the BARON is sitting. The dialogue be- tzveen the KING, QUEEN and BARON continues. No attention is paid to the workmen) QUEEN. Bimbi will hang in his old place outside my window. KING. I shall build a hospital in commemora- tion. QUEEN. If he has come over to our side some- thing handsome should be done for General Myrza ! KING. General Myrza will expect that. His es- tates shall be doubled by a royal grant. QUEEN. I have long intended to construct a new aqueduct at Mostar. Now it shall be done. I will call it ( The business of the furniture must be so timed that, at this, a workman taps BARON on shoulder, pulls chair from under him and takes it off. The workman returns almost immediately. BARON stares in indignant amazement. Pause) What does this man want? QUIGG. Fifty dollars. BARON. It is Quigg. We are going to be evicted. QUEEN. (Rising, down L. KING to front of table) The embassy is coming in half an hour. Where shall we get fifty dollars? BARON. (Who has been cogitating. Suddenly) I shall borrow it from Herr Lietz. KING. From whom? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 93 QUEEN. (At the same time) Herr Lietz? BARON. (Motioning them to be silent) Only yesterday he offered (To QUIGG,) Call off your men ! QUIGG. My instructions were not to leave with- out the fifty. BARON. You shall come with me to get the money. QUIGG. (To workmen at door) Wait on the sidewalk until you hear from me. ( QUIGG and men exeunt R.2E.J QUEEN. (Sotto voice to BARON,) Herr Lietz is in Herzogovina. BARON. Exactly and it is a long way to Herzo- govina. KING. I do not understand. BARON. I shall walk him about until the em- bassy is gone. ( QUIGG re-enters R.2EJ QUIGG. (Knocks) I am BARON. Coming! (With an imperious gesture he dismisses QUIGG, who exits R.2EJ Outlived my usefulness eh? It is not for nothing that I have been for forty years a diplomat! (Exits with a humorously dignified strut R.2EJ QUEEN. (L., looking around room) Look at this room ! The embassy may be here at any moment ! KING. (Near door'R.2) True. QUEEN. (At L. of table) And look at me! A Queen cannot receive an embassy in a waistshirt. KING. (Coming to her R. of table) It is the di- vine right of Queens to do anything. QUEEN. I wish it were the divine right of Queens to have a decent dress. KING. What was it you wore the day I arrived ? QUEEN. My Coronation robe. I have cooked in 94 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN it ever since. There is a grease spot upon the ermine. KING. It makes nothing. Even in a waistshirt you are a Queen. (Very tenderly) Such a little Queen! (Kisses her hand. Pause) Within a month this exile will seem a hideous nightmare. QUEEN. Not altogether hideous. Some parts of it will always be pleasant to look back upon. KING. One part at least. We have grown to know each other. QUEEN. To know and need. We should never have got acquainted at court. KING. You have made me understand the glory of being a man. I have learned love here. I could not speak before. What had I to offer? But now QUEEN. Now. KING. Now we are going back, but I want you more than I want my kingdom. The throne would be a lonely place without you. Will you let me be your subject, and will you be my Queen ? QUEEN. Stephen! (They embrace. Bell) KING. Anna my sweetheart! (Bell. Pause) What is that ? QUEEN. Only the embassy. Let them wait. I love you. (Bell) KING. (Parting, but still holding her hands) I must answer. QUEEN. No. (Pause. They resume close em- brace) We have only this moment to be boy and girl. For the rest of our lives we shall be King and Queen. (Bell) Wait! Do you love me? (KiNG kisses her, then goes to answer bell; as he reaches door she speaks and moves toward him. They meet again R.cJ KING. Better than all the world. (Bell) QUEEN. So horribly soon when I say "Do you love me" ? you will answer : "I am terribly worried SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 95 about the attitude of Turkey." (Bell violently and in jerks. KING tries to kiss her again but she puts her hand over his mouth) Now go (Exit KING; KING. (Off R.; General Myrza. MYRZA. (Off R.; Your Majesty! QUEEN. (Her expression changes from happi- ness to fear. Pause) Oh, how I fear that man. KING. (Entering, followed by MYRZA. Speak- ing as he enters, Xes to extreme L. of MYRZA, who stays R. QUEEN just R. of table. MYRZA comes to a salute) Your Majesty, this is General Myrza. QUEEN. General! We had expected to see the embassy from Herzogovina. MYRZA. Those gentlemen will wait upon you to-morrow. It was necessary that I should first confer with Your Majesty alone. (Looking at the KING; KING. Her Majesty is most anxious. MYRZA. The other envoys will do as I bid them do. KING. Wfiere did you obtain our address? MYRZA. Every second man in the two kingdoms has received a letter from the Baron Cosaca. (Looking about room) Your Majesties seem to have fared ill in America. QUEEN. Not at all! (Inspiration) We have arranged a reception for to-morrow. Our good friend, Herr Lauman, begs our permission to honor you in his house. (She nods to KING, who is puzzled) MYRZA. And now, Sire, my business is with you. KING. Her Majesty is deeply concerned in this business. You may proceed. MYRZA. Very good. Matters have not been go- ing altogether well in Bosnia. At my suggestion, the Temporary Council has agreed to the return of Your Majesty upon three conditions. 96 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. Name them! MYRZA. First, that Your Majesty shall repeal certain measures, known as the Publicity Law, the Eviction Law, and the Law relating to Royal Grants. KING. We have already determined to annul those laws. MYRZA. Second, that Your Majesty shall con- sent to the creation of a Parliament. KING. To that we also agree. MYRZA. I had hardly hoped that your Majesty would concur so readily. KING. We have learned much during our stay in America. MYRZA. There is another matter that is not ex- actly a condition. The Temporary Council felt that, out of regard for my services to the nation, I should receive the title and estate of Baron. KING. The last condition? MYRZA. The last condition is that your Majesty shall promise there will be no union of Bosnia with Herzegovina, and that all plans to that end shall be laid aside now and forever. KING. Does that refer to our marriage to the Queen? MYRZA. It does. QUEEN. His Majesty is forbidden to to (With sudden heat) But how dare you? What right have you to stand between him and me? MYRZA. I have the right to stand between throne and throne. QUEEN. To stand, you should say, for your own mean ambitions and your own greedy desires. MYRZA. What I am doing I do for the love of my country. QUEEN. For the love of your country ! For the love of your country you provoked riot and revolu- tion. For the love of the throne you drove your King from his Kingdom ! Because you would have SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 93 nothing to do with my nation you incited my people against me against me, who had never harmed them or you. Now, when you are compelled to re- store our thrones, your first thought is to be Baron Myrza. Your love of country is not convincing, General, and you go too far when you dictate terms to the Queen of Herzegovina! MYRZA. There is no Queen of Herzogovina! You are not recalled ! QUEEN. I am not recalled ! KING. Her Majesty is not recalled ! MYRZA. The embassy from Herzogovina is here only to protest against your efforts to enlist Austria. You are not recalled. KING. ( Xes to L. of table) Myrza, you want an answer to your last condition. When I do go back to Bosnia it will be with one hand closed upon the hand of my Queen, and the other upon my sword ! MYRZA. Your Majesty threatens? KING. And will fulfill my threat! QUEEN. No ! Not for me shall you bring war- fare and bloodshed into your kingdom. War would mean desolate homes and widowed wives all be- cause of our love. Those wives love, too. The commonest man in your kingdom can love and hate and suffer exactly as if he were a King! (A pause) KING. Her Majesty has convinced us. We will not carry the sword into our kingdom. MYRZA. You agree to the condition? KING. I do not return to Bosnia. MYRZA. Sire, you have not considered. QUEEN. Here are only poverty and humiliation. There are your people and your home. You must go back. KING. Sooner than leave the woman I love, I abdicate. ( MYRZA impatiently Xes back of QUEEN Up L. window) 98 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN QUEEN. (Moving towards the KING,) No ! No ! No ! No ! You shall not do that ! You shall not give up your throne for me! I do not deserve it! KING. I love you. QUEEN. But I do not love you! KING. But you have just told me - QUEEN. I lied ! KING. (Now in front of table) I do not believe you ! Why, it is but a moment ago that you were in my arms that you held up your cheek for my kisses. QUEEN. The kisses were a lie the embrace was a lie it was all a lie! I wanted to carry out the wish of my father ! I wanted to share your throne to unite our kingdoms ! What did a lie matter to me? What is the falsehood of a woman beside the duty of a Queen ? KING. It was not alone your lips that spoke it was your eyes your heart. QUEEN. They never spoke until I found you were going back to your throne ! Think ! Think ! Did 1 show signs of love before the word of your recall? No! No! I lied! I lied because I felt that a Queen must marry a King ! But there is no use of it now if you are not to be a King! I can tell the truth at last! I don't love you! I don't! I don't! KING. That is the truth? QUEEN. Why should I speak an untruth now ? KING. To send me back to my people. QUEEN. What do I care for your people or for you? KING. I do not believe you. QUEEN. How can I make you believe me? How .can I (Enter TRAINOR R.2E.J TRAINOR. The door was open so I walked* f He stops, amazed) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 99 QUEEN. (Breaks in upon him. To KING) You must believe me! You must! You must! The man I love is standing there ! I have always loved him! From the moment we met! You have seen that yourself! You have known it! You have known it in your heart ! You do believe me now ! You must believe me ! Go back to your people ! It would make no difference if you remained ! I could not marry you if you were a thousand Kings! KING. That is the truth? QUEEN. That is the truth ! (She goes over 'to TRAINOR. He puts his arm around her. QUEEN'S head sinks L. of his shoulder. KING looks at them for a moment. To TRAINOR,) Help me! (MYRZA has been up stage L. watching the progress of the scene in his favor. Now comes down quickly, with a grim smile, to L. corner back of table. KING is leaning on table R V front corner. MYRZA leans over table in speaking to him) MYRZA. Now, Sire, will you sign the agreement ? KING. (Pauses a moment) Now I will. ( KING exits R.3E. downcast. MYRZA follows him in tri- umph) TRAINOR. ('QUEEN staggers back a step or two. from him) Good God! What have you done? QUEEN. The right! TRAINOR. But you? QUEEN. Oh, what does it matter about me ? He was willing to surrender his throne for me; why shouldn't I sacrifice my happiness for him ? I have done the only thing there was to do ! I have given a King back to his people, and his people a King! Not a puppet in ermine ; not Stephen the Debonair ; but a man a man true to his people, true to himself, true to the woman he loves! God save my King! CURTAIN ACT IV SCENE: The veranda of the Lauman house at Irvington-on-Hudson. This porch is a plat- form, raised two and one-half feet from the stage. It should be about twenty feet square, and is attached to the wall of the dwelling, which runs from L.IE. to L.$E., A double door, L.2E., gives entrance to this dwelling. There are two French windows from L.2E. which also serve as entrances from house. The plat- form, back of windows, should be covered with rugs, and some old-fashioned oils should hang on the backing. A hall table and chair in plain view. A chandelier should hang from ceiling. Large columns with cobble-stone bases support roof of porch, and two cobblestone balustrades are at either end. At back illuminated drop with moon and ripple, showing a view of the Hudson River. In front of this a cut drop of oak tree with cut border to match. Leg drop with cut border in one. Cut borders in all other entrances. Ground cloth down painted for grass with gravel pathway from edge of porch to R.2E. Heavy grass lawn covers stage, all but this pathway. Circling the entire porch are steps. Vines cover the columns and return piece of house L. Large rose bushes are scat- tered about. Two spotlights in L.2, one trained 100 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 101 on QUEEN the other on chair at lower column. Two strips of eight thirty-twos of amber and white in house L. One light strip of blue in R.2E. One light strip in back of cut drop L. and R. throws on drop. Back border of blue one-quarter up. Third border in blue one-quar- ter up, and ready to dim out on cue. All other lights out. V/ood wings R. (The back drop can be made a cyclorama to obviate the neces- sity of wood wings.) Japanese lanterns hang- ing from the ceiling of the porch are supposed to contain candles. These are on individual switches, so that they may be extinguished, one or two at a time. Furniture on porch is ivicker. Table c., surrounded by four particularly roomy, comfortable chairs. These are fitted with footrests, cushions, etc. House bril- liantly lighted. The veranda perfectly dark ex- cept when door to house is opened, when it is temporarily and brightly illuminated. IT Is ELEVEN O'CLOCK THE NIGHT OF JULY 15. AT RISE : Curtain up to sprightly music, played by orchestra in house L. From the same direction, but afar off, voices and laughter. QUEEN is brooding in a R. corner of the porch, her elbow on the chair arm and her chin on her hand. She wears an exquisite evening gown, but no jewels or trinkets of value. In the R. half of the stage the lighted end of a cigar floats about as TRAINOR paces up and down the gravel path. QUEEN. (Hears TRAINOR'S step beneath her, listens, then rises and goes to edge of porch) Who is there? TRAINOR. (Halts) Trainor. Is that your Maj- esty? QUEEN. I am no longer a Queen. 102 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN TRAINOR. (Beneath her, with the railing be- tween them) To me you will always be the Queen. QUEEN. I used you very badly last night. TRAINOR. You gave me the happiest minute of my life. It was only a minute a silly, selfish, self- conceited minute and then I understood but it is something to have had wings, even in a Fool's Paradise. QUEEN. Then you forgive me? TRAINOR. Forgive what? I told you a woman should marry the man she loves. I can't kick be- cause I don't happen to be that man. QUEEN. I am very, very sorry. TRAINOR. Love beat me; not rank. You never could have cared for Stephen, the Debonair. It was when he lost his ermine and rolled up his sleeves that they counted ten over me. QUEEN. I shall die an old maid. TRAINOR. Oh, no, you won't and neither will I! You hear about disappointed lovers jumping off the dock, but they don't do it not the ones worth while. They marry some other girl, and, after a time, the bitter pain gets to be a sweet memory. I got mine good and plenty, and I'm not even going to the devil. I'm just going back to work. QUEEN. You sail on Saturday? TRAINOR. Yes. QUEEN, So does his Majesty! Then I shall be truly alone. TRAINOR. Things always end right in the fairy books. You may yet have your throne and your King. QUEEN. Never my King. Nothing could ever make him sure of me again nothing could make him believe that I cared more for him than for all the world beside. JRAINOR. I eould! (Turning to her) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 103 QUEEN. (Alarmed) But you must not ! Stephen must go on hating me. He must go back to his people, and I TRAINOR. And you? QUEEN. I will go back to Lauman & Son that is, if Mr. Lauman will have me. TRAINOR. Let me do something QUEEN. There is nothing you can do. I shall go back to my palace in St. Nicholas Avenue. I will translate letters, and cook lamb chops, and try to forget that I was ever a Queen. Stephen will be a great King, always doing great things, and I shall read of them and be happy that, for his sake, I made myself miserable. TRAINOR. Poor little girl. QUEEN. If you pity me I I (Unable to hold back the tears, she turns to exit L. KING en- ters. Sees QUEEN, and bows with stately formality. She looks at him and exits. KING goes c. Comes face to face with TRAINOR. Music stops) KING. Herr Trainor. ('TRAINOR comes up on porch R. of table) TRAINOR. Your Majesty, KING. Last night I had no opportunity of con- gratulating you. I do now. (Extends hand. TRAINOR clasps it warmly) TRAINOR. ( The wound opened, and himself em- barrassed) Thank you, but I Haven't you sus- pected anything? KING. (Misunderstanding) Oh, yes from the first I was sure she loved you. I was not so much surprised, but grieved and well, what does it mat- ter? TRAINOR. Doesn't it matter to you ? KING. Nothing matters to me, but her happiness. I know you will make her happy. You said the best man would win, and I think he has. TRAINOR. I hope he will. 104 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN KING. Her Majesty cannot remain in exile. We must find some way to restore her king- dom. TRAINOR. I would give ten years of my life to do that! KING. And I, all that remains of mine. The chief obstacle in the way is General Myrza. TRAINOR. Myrza ! KING. (Sits) Yes, and the fact that the new issue of bonds lies unsubscribed. The gentlemen from Herzegovina tell me that a large number of her Majesty's subjects favor the return of the Queen. But Myrza sets himself in the way, and Myrza has gained a tremendous influence, not only in Bosnia but in Herzogovina. His personal ambi- tion is boundless. Just at present he wants to be made a Baron. If Myrza would permit the embassy to recommend the recall of the Queen there would be little or no opposition in Herzogovina. TRAINOR. Then it's up to us to make him per- mit. We'll get busy to-morrow morning, and if this Myrza doesn't say Uncle by night I'll eat your crown! (Enter ELISABETH. KING rises) Well, Bess, how's the embassy? ELISABETH. Beginning to be a little wobbly. KING. Not drunk? ELISABETH. (L.) Hardly as bad as that! But they've dined well, and wined often, and they're rather mellow ! TRAINOR. Mellow? Myrza, too? (ELISABETH nods) By George, Your Majesty, I've got it! ELISABETH. Got what? KING. Her Majesty's throne. TRAINOR. Myrza was grouchy yesterday! KING. Grouchy ? TRAINOR. Sore-headed ! To-night he's ready to drop off the tree. KING. Drop off the tree? SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 105 TRAINOR. He's ripe! He's ripe! If you'd ever sold goods you'd realize that an ounce of dinner is worth a pound of dialogue. Myrza wants to be a Baron, does he? We'll make him a Duke. You send out this Bryan of Bosnia, and I'll do the rest. KING. We will be with you in five minutes. (Exits Lj ELISABETH. (Music starts again) Do you really think you can do it? TRAINOR. I can try mighty hard. If it comes out all right we'll owe it all to your party. I don't know how to thank you. ELISABETH. WVre amply repaid. Father wouldn't take a million dollars for this. TRAINOR. I suppose you think it was nervy of her turning the whole affair over to a lot of people you didn't even know but I guess she was desper- ate, Bess. ELISABETH. (Sitting on arm of chair down L.) I asked her to bring anyone she cared to. Bob, do you realize that if you succeed with these men it's your finish with the Queen? TRAINOR. I am finished. ELISABETH. No, you're not. If she stays she'll need you. In the course of time she's sure to to feel differently toward you. TRAINOR. In the course of time she'll go back to Herzogovina. ELISABETH. Even then TRAINOR. (Shakes his head) I don't belong ! I realized that to-night, looking at these fellows in their uniforms and things! I've been a donkey a donkey in love with a nightingale. ELISABETH. Nonsense! You're as good as any King. TRAINOR. A donkey's as good as a nightingale, and a darned sight more useful. But a donkey's io6 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN not like a nightingale, and, the world over, like likes like. ELISABETH. You want her so much. All you've got to do is to keep quiet, and everything's fair in love and war. TRAINOR. (Shakes his head) Then I shouldn't be as good! The King thinks she played him a shabby trick, and yet he's scheming to get back her throne. You wouldn't want me to be a dirty deuce in the deck with this King? (Start candles down) ELISABETH. (Rises) No, Bob! TRAINOR. (Puts his arm over her shoulder) You're a good pal, Bess! You're the best old pal in the world. (Enter LAUMAN. He stands back of table, quietly looking at them.) (Stop music) LAUMAN. (His high spirits lift the tone of the scene) Well, by jingo! What are you two doing out here? TRAINOR. Just chatting ! LAUMAN. I been talking to a society editor. Makes a difference the papers printing- about the embassy! This editor says the King could 'a' gone a thousand places to-night ! TRAINOR. If he'd been a thousand Kings ! (LAU- MAN sitting above table, TRAINOR R. of table, ELISA- BETH L. of table) LAUMAN. I guess they were just as satisfied to be here ! Gosh ! I never saw a feller eat as much as that Myrza ! ELISABETH. Nor drink as much. ( One by one the candles in the lanterns are extinguished) SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 107 LAUMAN. Some of those candles are going out, Lizzie. ELISABETH. It's after eleven. Hadn't I better speak to Hale about the motors ? LAUMAN. Yes, and tell that Hungarian not to forget to play the national air of Bosnia. ELISABETH. (At door) All right. LAUMAN. And tell him if he plays "The Merry Widow" waltz again I'll break his neck. ELISABETH. All right, father. (Exits into house. Orchestra plays "Merry Widow*' as she exits) LAUMAN. Don't it beat hell? (TRAINOR opens cigar box on table and each takes a cigar. TRAINOR lights a match and gives to LAUMAN. Then he lights his own cigar. They look at each other while smoking) You think a good deal of Lizzie, don't you? TRAINOR. (Surprised) Why, yes! LAUMAN. It never hit me before and I guess it ain't hit you yet ! The Queen threw you down ! TRAINOR. (R. of table, throws burnt match on table) Yes she threw me down. LAUMAN. You're lucky! Being a Prince Con- cert must be like being married to a suffragette ! TRAINOR. I was just saying about that! LAUMAN. She wouldn't 'a' been happy in Amer- ica, and you wouldn't 'a' been happy in Herzo- govina. Everything's for the best. I'm glad Lizzie didn't pair off with the King. TRAINOR. So'm I. LAUMAN. Bob, I named Lizzie for her mother. (Puffs) Remember the misses? (TRAINOR nods) Lizzie's all I've got, and there ain't anything in the world too big to buy for her. I've nursed this no- bility bug because I thought it'd tickle her to wear a crown or a a cornet. (Puffs) If it won't, and something else will, that something else is what she's io8 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN going to get. (Puffs) What was the closing price of steel? TRAINOR. Seven and a half. What'd you say to buying up the new bond issue of Herzogovina? LAUMAN. Friendship or business? TRAINOR. Both. It looks good to me. The gov- ernment operates mines. LAUMAN. We'll think it over. (Rises and walks around L. Puffs) Bob, I may be down in Hon- duras before winter. TRAINOR. You couldn't be pried out of your of- fice with a crowbar. LAUMAN. I'd like a glimpse of that country, and I guess the change would be a good thing for Lizzie. You needn't be surprised if we walk in on you about November! (Music stops. GENERAL MYRZA appears at the door) Making out pretty good, General ? MYRZA. (Entering, smoking a cigar. Back of table) Delightfully, sir. TRAINOR. General Myrza and I are going to have a talkfest. May I ring for Hale? LAUMAN. There he is now ! I'll get him! (Ex- its) Hale! TRAINOR. (Stands for a minute carefully look- ing over the GENERAL, and sizing him up, then) Pleasant evening, General ! MYRZA. Very charming. (Enter HALE; TRAINOR. (Sits R. of table) Hale, bring us a bottle of that Montebello. (Exit HALE) General, I'm a business man, and I'm coming straight to the point. King Stephen and I want the Queen recalled to Herzogovina. What do you want? MYRZA. (Sits L. of table, smoking cigar) I want only the good of my country. TRAINOR. Oh, that's it ! Don't you think it would SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 109 be for the good of your country if you were made a Baron? MYRZA. His Majesty is already pledged to that. TRAINOR. Well, let's make it a little better for your country and say a Count. (HALE enters with wine. Puts it on table. Small silver tray with pint bottle and glasses already filled) MYRZA. Herr Trainor, you have no idea of the wretched plight of Herzogovina. ("HALE exits) TRAINOR. Here's looking at you. MYRZA. Two-thirds of the peasants are abso- lutely paupers. There is talk of a Republic in Herzogovina. TRAINOR. Hardly an hour ago His Majesty was telling me that he thought of making you a Count. MYRZA. In fact I may say that republican senti- ment is growing, not only in Herzogozina but in Bosnia. TRAINOR. Of course, you understand, General, that if Bosnia gets to be a republic you can't very well be a Count. MYRZA. What happens to me, Herr Trainor, is of very small importance. TRAINOR. Oh, I realize that ! I'm only thinking of what office would enable you to do your country best I mean to do your country the most good. MYRZA. I think we understand each other. TRAINOR. I think we do. The question is : How are we going to put it in your way to aid the pauper- ized peasants? MYRZA. Exactly. TRAINOR. Would it help them any, do you think, if His Majesty gave you a few hundred acres of land? MYRZA. Yes, it might. But there is the embassy .' i io SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN The bond issue sticks in its mind. I doubt very seriously whether these gentlemen will consent to the recall of the Queen. TRAINOR. Everything in good time. How about you? MYRZA. Well, there are a good many Counts in Bosnia. TRAINOR. Don't you play with any limit in your game ? Well, I'll see your bet and I'll raise you two blue chips. Supposing tne King could be persuaded to make you a Duke? MYRZA. With the few hundred acres? TRAINOR. With the few hundred acres. MYRZA. Do you think the King could be per- suaded ? TRAINOR. Cinch I MYRZA. Well, yes, on the whole, I think the re- turn of the Queen would be a good thing for every- body. TRAINOR. I'm delighted that your grace begins to see it. MYRZA. You are a clever man, Herr Trainor. We could use a diplomat of your skill in Bosnia. TRAINOR. (Both rising) I'll have to hand it to you, General ! You'd make a hit as Western Man- ager for Lauman & Son. (KING enters at door) Your Majesty, out of the goodness of his heart and the greatness of his his MYRZA. Patriotism. TRAINOR. And the greatness of his patriotism, General Myrza consents to the recall of the Queen. KING. (L.) He does? But the embassy? TRAINOR. They're next. Meanwhile, I have promised the General that you will confer upon him the title and estate of Duke. (Music starts again) KING. General Myrza, we create you the Duke of Ravanica. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN in CLAUMAN enters with the embassy) MYRZA. Anything for the good of my country. Gentlemen, I have just told His Majesty that you agree to the recall of the Queen. COUNT AND PRINCE. (R. and L. Strongly) But we do not agree ! COUNT. Most decidedly we do not ! The nation is poverty-stricken! The new issue of bonds lies unsubscribed. LAUMAN. (L.) As to that new issue of bonds COUNT. Yes ! LAUMAN. If the Queen does return, Lauman & Son will take up the entire issue at par. MYRZA. The entire issue ! PRINCE. (At lower door L.) Magnificent! COUNT. (At upper door) Unheard of! LAUMAN. (Above table c.) Mere pin money, gentlemen, mere pin money. TRAINOR. (Above table R. KING Xes to R.J Gentlemen, I give you the health of the Queen. (Raises his glass from table. LAUMAN takes the third glass from tray. MYRZA has his glass in hand and the COUNT and PRINCE have theirs when they come on. All raise their glasses high) OMNES. (With upraised glasses) The Queen! (QUEEN enters L. To center below table) QUEEN. What does this mean? KING. (R. of table) Your Majesty! The em- bassy humbly entreats your return to the throne of Herzogovina. QUEEN. Truly? MYRZA. Most humbly, Your Majesty. QUEEN. Then I I I (Her dignity gives way) I think I'm going to cry ! (Short pause) LAUMAN. Come, gentlemen, let's open another bottle of Montebello. (All bow to the QUEEN and ii2 SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN exeunt. LAUMAN last through door and closes it. Lanterns that are not already out dimmed very low by this time. Music stops. KING R. of table, TRAINOR above table, QUEEN L. below table) KING. (Advances to QUEEN with extended hand) May I be the first to congratulate, as I shall be the last to forget Your Majesty! (She takes his hand) I wish you might have loved me, but you will be happy as it is, and may God keep you. TRAINOR. (Leaning over the table. To QUEEN J May I tell him now? QUEEN. Yes. TRAINOR. (Moving towards KING,) Last night the Queen told a very white lie. She has never loved anyone but you. KING. (Amazed) But me? TRAINOR. She loved you well enough to sacri- fice herself sooner than have you lose your king- dom. KING. (Comprehending) You said what you did in order to make me (She nods. He takes a step toward her, then, remembering TRAINOR, halts. To TRAINOR) And you QUEEN. Herr Trainor has proved that a simple man may be truly royal as a King. KING. (Takes TRAINOR'S hand) Herr Trainor, if you will return with us you may have any office in our kingdom. TRAINOR. (Shakes his head) Thank you, but God put me here, and I don't want to seem dissatis- fied with His choice. QUEEN. (Back almost to audience) But some day you will come to Mostar ? TRAINOR. Some day I'll come over and knock at your back door! Until then, good-bye! (QUEEN holds out her hand over table as if to shake hands. SUCH A LITTLE QUEEN 113 TRAINOR turns her hand in his, leans over and kisses her hand instead. Then exits into house, closing doors behind him, leaving KING and QUEEN in dark- ness and Paradise. A pause. BARON enters, open- ing the doors, and throwing a flood of light on KING and QUEEN, who are disclosed, locked in a close em- brace, center of porch. BARON speaks as he enters] BARON. Your Majesty! Your Majesty! (Sees them, turns and exits again, closing doors. Another pause, and the orchestra off bursts into the national air of Bosia) CURTAIN Second Curtain: Doors open, lanterns all out, light from house on KING and QUEEN same posi- tion. Spotlights used from R. of stage must go on and off as doors open and close. THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, SANTA CRUZ This book is due on the last DATE stamped below. To renew by phone, call 429-2756 Books not returned or renewed within 1 4 days after due date are subject to billing. Series 2373 3 2106 00820 0484