BANCROFT 
 LIBRARY 
 
 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
STREAKS 
 
 OF 
 
 TJATTER LIFE, 
 
 A XI) 
 
 FAR-WEST SCENES. 
 
 tlES OF HUMOROUS SKETCHES DESCRIPTIVE OF INCIDENTS 
 AND CHARACTER IN THE WILD WEST. 
 
 
 TO WHICH ARE ADDED 
 
 OTHER MISCELLANEOUS PIECES. 
 
 BY "SOLITAIRE," 
 
 (JOHN S. ROBB, OF ST. LOUIS, MO.,) 
 
 OR OF ''SWALLOWING OYSTERS A L I V K." 
 
 tlkhorn. I've seen more fun in these yeur digglns than would fill a book I 
 re Can I persuade you, Dan, to relate those scenes to me 1 
 -Well, hoss, I won't do anythin* else J 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 
 GETZ & BUCK, 
 
 NO. 4 HART'S BUILDINGS. 
 
 1 & 4. 
 
Entered, according to the Act of Congress, in the year : 46, by 
 CAREY AND HART, 
 
 in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern 
 of Pennsylvania. 
 
 John C. Bobb. Printer, No. 8 Pear St. 
 
6 oo 
 
 BANCROFT 
 LIBRARY 
 
 DEDICATION. 
 
 To COL. CHARLES KEEMLE. 
 
 PERMIT me, my friend, to dedicate to you these pages, 
 the first production of my pen in the field of western 
 literature, and allow me to say, that your own graphic 
 relations of far-west scenes, witnessed when this now 
 giant territory was in its infancy, has contributed much 
 to illustrate for me the striking features of western cha- 
 racter. You may be set down as one, who has not 
 only been a dweller in the wilds since its primitive days, 
 but an observer of its progress in every stage, from the 
 semi-civilised state until the refinement of polished life 
 has usurped the wilderness. Through this period of 
 transition you have stood unchanged, and that generous 
 and nofcle nature, which induced the Indian chieftain, 
 in by-gone days, to style you as the " Gray Eagle" of 
 the forest, calls forth this humble tribute of regard from 
 your friend. 
 
 JOHN S. KOBE. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 T**& * S "iLiv-N A ANI'.EiUNGS OF A TYPO PACiE I 1 
 
 " NOT A DROP MORE, MAJOR, UNLESS IT 7 S SWEETEN^" 56 
 
 K1ZTTLE BOTTOM BALL } 59 
 
 Or, Betsy Jones 9 tumble in the mush pan. 
 
 A CAT STORY, . 64 
 
 Which must not be cur-tailed. 
 
 A SPIRITUAL SISTER, * 67 
 
 Her encounter with a doubtful Smith. 
 
 HOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY ; * 70 
 
 Or, the Candidate's Night in a Mosquito Swamp. 
 
 NATURAL ACTING ] OS 
 
 Dan Marble's First Appearance at Orand River. 
 
 A CANAL ADVENTURE 87 
 
 THE STANDING CANDIDATE J 91 
 
 His Excuse for being a Bachelor. 
 
 AN EMIGRANT'S PERILS ; 101 
 
 Or, a Flying Ticket on the Mississippi. 
 
 FUN WITH A " BAR ;" 104 
 
 A Night Adventure on the Missouri. 
 
 TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS ; 112 
 
 A Night's Adventure in the American Bottom. 
 
 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT } 117 
 
 Or, Dick Kelsy's Signature to his Land Claim. 
 
 TALLER PLEDGES ] 132 
 
 Or, the Fight about Sally Spillman. 
 
 A2 V 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 GEORGE MUNDAY, PAGE 139 
 
 The Hat less Prophet. 
 
 COURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW 142 
 
 THE SECOND ADVENT J 148 
 
 Tom Banga.ll the Engineer, and Jtfillerism. 
 
 SETTLEMENT FUN J 156 
 
 Or, Bill Sapper's Letter to hi* Cousin. 
 
 " DOING' 7 A LANDLORD, 161 
 
 A Story of Shape and Talent. 
 
 WHO IS SIR GEORGE SIMPSON ? 166 
 
 Jin extraordinary circumstance about him. 
 
 LETTERS FROM A BABY, 168 
 
 By a Forward Child. 
 
 SETH TINDER'S FIRST COURTSHIP ; 177 
 
 #0?c his fame was quenched. 
 
 THE DEATH STRUGGLE } 180 
 
 Or, the way Smith did up Jones. 
 
 " WHO ARE THEY ?" 183 
 
 A question of vital import. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 IN offering the following sketches to the public, I feel 
 somewhat like the hoosier candidate described his sen- 
 sations, when he first essayed to deliver a stump speech : 
 " I felt," said he, " that ef I could ony git the beginnin' 
 out ef I could ony say 'fellar citizens /' that arter that 
 it 'ud go jest as easy as corn shuckin' !" So with your 
 humble servant, if this my first effort at book making 
 should meet with favor, I feel that a second attempt 
 would be a pleasing task. To all adventurers in the 
 field of literature the slightest encouragement is a shower 
 of success in my own case a smile upon my effort will 
 swell in my estimation to a downright "snigger" The 
 commendation which was bestowed upon the sketch of 
 " Swallowing Oysters Alive," was some evidence that it 
 tickled the public taste, and, of course, its wide approval 
 tickled the fancy of the author ; so if this collection be 
 an infliction upon the reading public's taste, they have 
 themselves to blame they offered the temptation. 
 
 It is unnecessary for me to apologise for their style, 
 for to pretend a capability to furnish any better, I don't 
 and their finish will be excused when I state, they 
 are the productions of the few short hours outside of 
 eight in the morning and ten at night, the time between 
 being occupied by arduous duties which almost forbid 
 thought, save of themselves. 
 
 vii 
 
V111 PREFACE. 
 
 The west abounds with incident and humor, and the 
 observer must lack an eye for the comic who can look 
 upon the panorama of western life without being tempted 
 to laugh. It would indeed seem that the nearer sun- 
 down, the more original the character and odd the ex- 
 pression, as if the sun, with his departing beams, had 
 shed a new feature upon the back-woods inhabitants. 
 This oddity and originality has often attracted my at- 
 tention and contributed to my amusement, and I have 
 wondered why the finished and graphic writers of our 
 country so seldom sought material from this inviting 
 field. The idea of ever attempting to develope any 
 portion of this mine of incident and character, with my 
 feeble pen, has but recently been flattered into exist- 
 ence, and if my hasty efforts but aid to awaken attention 
 and attract skilful pens to this original and striking field 
 of literature, my highest ambition is attained. The 
 amusing delineations of THORPE, HOOPER, FIELD, SOL 
 SMITH, and others, who have with abler pens developed 
 these incidents of western life, and the avidity with 
 which their sketches have been read, give assurance 
 that the rivers and valleys of this western land will 
 no longer be neglected. That it here abounds as 
 plentiful as the minerals within its bosom, there is no 
 question, for every step of the pioneer's progress has 
 been marked with incidents, humorous and thrilling, 
 which wait but the wizard spell of a bright mind and 
 able pen to call them from misty tradition, and clothe 
 them with speaking life. 
 
 It is true there are dark streaks in western life, as well 
 as light ones, as where in human society exists the one 
 without the other ; but, in their relation, the future his- 
 
PREFACE. IX 
 
 torian of the wilds should be careful to distinguish be- 
 tween the actual settler and the border harpy. The acts 
 of this latter class have often thrilled the refined mind 
 with horror, and brought condemnation upon the pio- 
 neer, while a wide distinction exists between the two 
 characters. The liarpy is generally some worthless and 
 criminal character, who, having to flee from more popu- 
 lous districts, seeks refuge at the outskirts of civilization, 
 and there preys alike upon the red man and unsuspect- 
 ing settler. There have been instances where, after a 
 long career of depredation, these offenders have aroused 
 the vengeance of the back- woods settler, when his pun- 
 ishment became as sweeping as his hospitality had before 
 been warm and unsuspecting. In general, however, 
 the western squatter is a free and jovial character, in- 
 clined to mirth rather than evil, and when he encounters 
 his fellow man at a barbecue, election, log-rolling, or 
 frolic, he is more disposed to join in a feeling of hilarity 
 on the occasion, than to participate in wrong or out- 
 rage. An encounter with the hostile red skins, or the 
 wild animals of the forest is to him pleasurable excite- 
 ment, and his fireside or camp-fire is rich with story of 
 perilous adventure, and which seems only worthy of his 
 remembrance, when fearfully hazardous in incident. 
 
 Appended to these Western Sketches will be found 
 several of a satirical and humorous character, which 
 have met with some favor; though of a local character, 
 they may contribute to the amusement of the reader, and 
 if so, the object for which they were written has been 
 attained. 
 
 In conclusion, allow me to add, that the within pages 
 are written as much for the reader's amusement as the 
 
X PREFACE. 
 
 illustration of odd incidents and character, and if they 
 fail in this, they fail altogether ; it is certain I have 
 tried to be funny, and not to succeed in such an effort 
 is the most hopeless of all literary failures. I shall leave 
 the decision of this, to me rfltornentous, quesfidir, to the 
 indulgence of the public, jand hold myself ready to 
 " back out" if they decree it, or attempt a Uetter effort 
 under their approving smile. 
 
 * A word .to'Hhe- critics.,: Gentlemen, i h*ve a high 
 respect for you, and some little fear, and I, therefore, 
 beg of you to touch me lightly if you touch me at all ; 
 or, in the language of the Irish pupil, \vhen about to 
 receive a thrashing from his tutor; "If you can't be 
 aisy, be as aisy as you can /" 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
STREAKS OF SQUATpR LIFE, 
 
 xo /9 v-2 - _7^ /) ^, / 
 
 
 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE WAY HE WAS "BROUGHT UP." 
 
 JOHN EARL, the subject of our story, was a true an 
 veritable specimen of the genus Jour Printer, intell 
 gent, reckless, witty, improvident, competent, and ur 
 steady, floating on the great sea of life, regardless o r 
 either its winds or tides, but little troubled about the 
 present, and perfectly indifferent as to the future. John 
 was the son of a Philadelphia printer, who died soon 
 after his marriage, and the grief and destitution of our 
 hero's mother so preyed upon her slender frame, that in 
 giving birth to him she sunk under her sufferings the 
 wail of her offspring in this world was the knell which 
 signalled her departure to another. -That the poor 
 aids the poor," was a saying verified in John's case, 
 for a poor shoemaker in the house adjoining his home 
 took charge of the bereaved infant, and sheltered it 
 beneath his humble roof. The worthy son of Crispin 
 had none of his own to trouble him, and his wife and 
 himself, as their little charge budded into prattling 
 
 11 
 
12 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 
 
 childhood, grew daily more fond of him, until our hero 
 held at least his third of interest^in the household. At 
 his own request he was permitted to learn the same 
 business his father had been bred to, and with many in- 
 junctions, and a good suit of clothes, he was* consigned at 
 a proper age to a master^printer. Soon after his transfer 
 to his new home, his adopted parents bade him farewell. 
 The old shoemaker ^had become infected with the 
 western fever for emigration, and after long and re- 
 peated consultations with his wife, had concluded to 
 depart to the land of rapid fortunes and unbounded 
 enterprise. The parting was affectionate, and after 
 many fond wishes for each other's happiness, our hero 
 was left to the mercies of the "Art preservative." We 
 need not say that he grew wise in its mysteries, we will 
 assume it as a matter of course. John was, or rather 
 grew to be of a happy disposition, and viewed life as 
 something resembling Pat's pig, a compound of alter- 
 nate streaks of fat and lean, and whenever fortune 
 looked through her blue spectacles upon his progress, 
 he always set it down as his streak of lean, and grew 
 happy amid his distresses, under the firm belief that 
 his alternate slice of fat was next in order. He was a 
 philosopher in the true sense of the word, for he let no 
 occurrence of life rumple the couch of his repose if 
 he didn't like his quarters he took up his store of earthly 
 wealth upon the end of a stick, and travelled. At the 
 period of which we write, John had tasted four or five 
 years of the responsibility of manhood, and had, from 
 the day of his freedom, been an occasional visiter to all 
 the Atlantic cities ; he had now grown tired of his old 
 tramping ground, and turned his eye westward. Who 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 13 
 
 knows, thought John, but I may find a Mount Arrarat 
 in the new land whereon to rest my ark! " The west, 
 aye," thought John, "that mighty corn field that re- 
 gion of pork and plenty land of the migrating sucker 
 haven of hope, and country of adventure, I stretch out 
 my arms towards thee, take me up like a mother, and 
 be kind to your new child." 
 
 Gathering up his shirt No. 2, and overcoat No. 1, 
 into a handkerchief valise, and wending his way to a 
 Baltimore steamer, he proceeded on board, deposited 
 his bundle, and shook the dust of the city from his feet. 
 From the deck of the steamer he looked out upon the 
 mart of trade, covered with its busy hundreds, who were 
 rushing to and fro, and running in and out of the great 
 store-houses, like swarms of bees around their hives. 
 
 " Poor fellows," soliloquized John, " how soon old 
 time will knock them over, and distribute all the honey 
 they are toiling for among a new generation." 
 
 A ringing of the steamer's bell disturbed his musings, 
 and all became, for a few minutes, bustle and confusion 
 the engine moved, and the paddles answered its clank 
 with a splash, a moment more arid they were moving in 
 the stream, and wending their way past the rows of 
 shipping. As the smoke of the city faded from their 
 view, John turned about to look upon his fellow pas- 
 sengers ; some looked pleased, as if the trip was one 
 of pleasure ^ others sad, as if departing from joys ; 
 whilst a portion, discontented with what they had left, 
 appeared determined to dislike what they were jour- 
 neying to, and muttered their displeasure audibly. 
 Standing alone, leaning over the rail, was a fine look- 
 ing elderly gentleman, whose countenance wore an air 
 
14 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 of quiet content and goodness it was, indeed, one of 
 those inviting countenances that we sometimes see pos- 
 sessed by honorable old age, which tells of wise thought 
 and kindly sympathy, instead of a callous heart and 
 suspicious mind, and our hero selected its owner for a 
 travelling acquaintance. Approaching him, and leaning 
 over a rail by his side, he remarked, 
 
 " We are moving through the water, sir, with light- 
 ning speed." 
 
 This assertion being most palpable and manifest, the 
 old gent remarked in turn that they were moving with 
 rapidity. Having fully agreed upon this point, John 
 ventured further to enquire, " If it had ever occurred to 
 his mind that steamboats were a great invention, any 
 how?" The old gentleman acknowledged "he had 
 been forcibly struck with the fact." Now, these passes 
 of conversation may appear to the reader as very trivial 
 and commonplace, but let us assure him they led to 
 important results they broke the ice which lay between 
 two bodies, and let their souls float into contact. John 
 having, as it were, got hold of the cover of non-inter- 
 course, which most travellers wear, just unfolded it at 
 each corner, and by his wit, intelligence, and reckless 
 gaiety, folded himself up next the old man's heart, and 
 tucked the corners of the robe under him. The old 
 man soon became delighted with our hero, and they be- 
 came inseparable compagnons du voyage. 
 
 A small bell was rung, and immediately the clerk 
 commenced taking up tickets. Here was an eventful 
 period for John he had not troubled himself with the 
 necessary receipt for passage, for one very good reason 
 he had none of the needful to purchase it with ; like 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 15 
 
 all philosophers he had great faith in luck, and now re- 
 signed himself to her care. 
 
 " I'll take your ticket, sir," said the clerk. 
 
 " I wish you would," said John, if you see it any 
 where about me." 
 
 The clerk took a stare at our hero, and then re- 
 marked, I have no time to jest, sir." 
 
 " Nor I any inclination ;" added John, " the fact is, 
 iny friend, I've got no ticket, and as uncle Sam is my 
 only existing relation, and as you have a contract with 
 him, suppose you book me as one of his males" 
 
 " I say I have no time for jesting, sir," reiterated the 
 clerk, in an angry tone," so please to hand me your ticket." 
 
 " Well, then," continued John, I'll have to let you 
 into my secret, I see, I'm an attache of the press, on 
 my road to Washington ; now, I suppose, its all right. 
 You are aware if I am delayed, Gales and Seaton will 
 be very angry, and Blair and Rives get in a pucker." 
 
 The clerk was here getting into a wrathy state, when 
 John's old friend reached the clerk the amount of his 
 passage, and he passed on. John objected, but the old 
 man insisted upon lending it to him, and the matter of 
 fare being settled they sped onward smoothly as before. 
 " Here's a streak of fat ," thought John, for I have 
 accidentally fell in with a travelling angel," and as some 
 return for his generosit}^, he set about making himself 
 particularly agreeable to his old companion. In the 
 course of their conversation the old gent learned John's 
 history, and that he was now on his way to Washington 
 in search of business, to raise money enough to carry 
 him west. His companion informed John that he was 
 a western man, and invited him to bear him company to 
 
16 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 his home in Cleveland, Ohio ; but our hero preferred 
 the Mississippi country. He agreed, however, if he 
 should fail in gaming business in Washington, to ac- 
 company him to Wheeling, provided he would increase 
 the debt already incurred, and trust to the goddess, luck, 
 for payment. After being assured that his company 
 was considered worth double the sum, the matter was 
 set at rest, and they entered Washington together. 
 
 The old man had business in the city, and proposed 
 to our hero, that while he was transacting it, he should 
 take a stroll through the offices and see what chance 
 there was for employment, and afterwards meet him at 
 the Capitol. They separated, and when they again met, 
 according to appointment, our typo " reported no pro- 
 gress," so it was instantly agreed they should depart for 
 Wheeling. As they gazed from the " spectator's gal- 
 lery," John whispered to. his companion : 
 
 " I know the mass of those patriots below, and rightly 
 appreciate them, for I have been behind the curtain 
 have helped some of them to make good English of their 
 speeches to Bunkum, have seen their tricks to get of- 
 fice, and their tricks to keep them, have seen the iwy 
 the cat jumps, and seen it jump too ; in short, I'm up 
 to the whole < wodl pulling' system, and I advise them 
 to go it while they can, for the people may one day find 
 them out, and then tj^i? spreading here will end in a 
 sprawl at home." 
 
 He had gradually grown warm in his soliloquy, until 
 his voice became audible, when the speaker struck his 
 hammer, the sergeant-at-arms started for the gallery, 
 and John and his old friend started for the stairs. 
 
 On the next morning the two departed west, leaving 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 17 
 
 the seat of government and its official inhabitants, for 
 the broad land of promise which lay beyond. 
 
 " What think you of the capital ?" enquired the old 
 gentleman, as they journeyed onward. 
 
 " The worst," answered our hero, and assuming a 
 Timon of Athens attitude, he added, " I have turned 
 my back upon it in disgust It is a theatre of the 
 worst passions in our nature chicanery lurks within 
 the cabinet, distrust and envy without, while fawning 
 sycophancy environs it around and about. To sum it up, 
 it is a little of government a great deal of < bunkum,' 
 sprinkled with a high seasoning of political juggling, 
 the whole of which has but one end and aim the spoils 
 of Uncle Sam." 
 
 " Bravo !" exclaimed his old friend, "you will have 
 to get elected from some of the Western states, and set 
 about cleaning the Augean stable." 
 
 " Not I," answered John. " It's too dirty a job, and 
 besides, the sovereign people claim it as their peculiar 
 privilege, let them smell it out for themselves." 
 
 Discussing thus, things political, they jogged on to 
 their place of parting, without incident worthy of noting 
 by the way. John still held to his desire of visiting the 
 Mississippi country, and his old friend insisted on pay- 
 ing his expenses to Cincinnati, our hero easily yielded 
 to his proposition, with the understanding that it was to 
 be paid when they again met. 
 
 "I may one day see you in Cleveland," said John, 
 " with fortune buckled on my back, and if it should be 
 there, < whether I will or no,' be assured I shall not 
 cut my old friends." 
 
 The old man laughed at the careless abandon o: 
 3 B2 
 
18 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 his young friend, insisted upon his calling upon him in 
 Cleveland when he had become tired of strolling, and 
 they parted with warm expressions of regard. Our hero 
 having found a boat which drew so little water, that it 
 would, as the captain said, " run up a tree with a drop 
 of the element upon it," he embarked on board, and 
 stretching his form out in one of the state-room berths, 
 gave liberty to his thoughts, and wandered back in 
 memory to his childhood. Vainly did his memory 
 search for some kindred face to dwell upon, the only 
 semblance to such was the old shoemaker and his wife ; 
 and next to them he placed his late companion, for 
 he and his adopted parents were the only beings in his 
 recollection who had ever bestowed upon him disinte- 
 rested, kindly regard. He felt that he had floated like 
 a moat in the sunbeam, whithersoever the breeze listed, 
 having no home where he might nestle in health, or lie 
 down in when seized by affliction no port opened its 
 arms to his bark, nor had it any destination because it 
 had no papers ! but floated upon the broad wave of life 
 the sport of fortune and a hard fortune at that. As 
 these thoughts stole over his heart, it became sad, and 
 for the first time in years its fountains filled up to over- 
 flowing, and poured its burning waters over his cheeks. 
 The future was a matter of such uncertainty, that he 
 did not care to think upon it, nor at that moment did 
 he care what it might bring forth if good, well ; if 
 evil, it would be but a change from one feature of hard 
 fortune to another. In due course of time the queen 
 city of the west appeared in the distance, and his heart 
 revived as he gazed upon her young greatness hope 
 awoke from her short slumber to urge him forward to 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 19 
 
 greater efforts. On landing he sought out a printing 
 establishment, and at his first application fortune favored 
 hjrn a streak of fat was waiting for his arrival in the 
 pork city, so thro wing off his coat, he was soon clicking 
 the type to the tune of " better days " and here we 
 shall leave him until our next chapter. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 AN ADVENTURE AMONG THE OFFICIALS. 
 
 OUR hero passed about two months in the queen city, 
 when the desire to move again attacked him, and with 
 the impulse he shaped his way for the Hoosier state, 
 alone, and on foot. He was in that peculiar state of 
 mind, and pocket, which calls forth all the coolness and 
 wisdom of the philosopher, and to strengthen him on 
 his journey he called up to mind all those illustrious 
 examples of his craft, who had entered strange towns 
 barefooted, and after rose to eminence and distinctions; 
 several of whom now figured conspicuously upon the 
 stage of public action. Trudging along thus, now stop- 
 ping by the roadside to rest and muse, again plodding 
 onward ; now weary and desponding, again cheered by 
 the carolling of the wood songsters, he would flourish 
 his staff with sovereign contempt for care, whistle 
 "While you are young, you should be gay," and fix- 
 ing his hat tighter upon his brow step out again *vith a 
 republican stride. Earth had on her gayest livery, and 
 the rich foliage of the western forests fluttered in a 
 gentle breeze ; which also fanned the brow of the soli- 
 
20 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 tary wanderer, as he toiled up a rising hill in his path- 
 way. On reaching the brow of this small eminence he 
 looked down upon a flourishing town which lay in the 
 valley below him, and his spirits rose as he gazed upon 
 the national flag, invitingly fluttering from the top of a 
 snug-looking hotel. 
 
 " Huzza for the old striped bunting!" shouted John, 
 "there is luck wherever it waves supreme, and if I 
 don't come across a streak of fat soon, to recompense 
 me for the long lean one I have been enjoying, then 
 < republics are ungrateful,' and I shall join the aristo- 
 cracy and declaim against them." 
 
 The village upon which John was gazing was at 
 that particular period the scene of unusual commotion, 
 anxious expectation, and great excitement every inha- 
 bitant appeared on tiptoe about something. The porch 
 of the hotel was occupied by a group of leading citizens 
 of the town, among whom was the postmaster, the 
 squire, the parson, a distinguished physician, a member 
 of the bar, and sundry smaller dignitaries attached to 
 the official stations of the county-seat. The black- 
 smith would every now and then quit his forge, step 
 out of his shop, and wiping the sweat from his brow 
 take a long and searching look up the road, and then 
 returning, pound away at the heated iron with pow- 
 erful energy. The popular shoemaker was leaning 
 out of his window looking earnestly in the same di- 
 rection as his neighbor the girls were peeping through 
 their windows in a state of expectancy, and the young 
 bucks of the town, dressed in their best, were flit- 
 ting about in sight of the fair inhabitants, or cluster- 
 ing in groups directly opposite the abode of certain 
 
 V 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 21 
 
 village beauties, while the more juvenile portion of the 
 community were throwing up dust in the street, and 
 huzzaing in a most animated and enthusiastic manner 
 in short, the town was upon the eve of a great occa- 
 sion. The member of congress, from that district, was 
 expected to partake of a public dinner, on that day, at 
 the principal hotel of the town of M., in the state of 
 Indiana, and his constituents had prepared to give him 
 a hearty reception on his return home, for the able 
 manner in which he had defended their interests. He 
 was expected every moment, and of course, the place 
 was big with anticipation. 
 
 John wended his way unnoticed down the street, but 
 observing everything his keen eye discovered not only 
 matter of interest in the commotion, but high promise 
 there was evidently something " out," for the throbbing 
 town, the fluttering banner, and the anxious groups 
 betrayed it. Entering the hotel where the principal 
 citizens were assembled, John mingled with the throng 
 in the bar room, and listened to learn the cause of the 
 gathering ; how did his heart swell within him (for it 
 had plenty of room) when he heard that a public dinner 
 was on the tapis, a real bona fide dinner, of fish, flesh, 
 and fowl, with an abundance of good liquor. John 
 determined to search out the location of that town upon 
 the map, and mark it down in his remembrance as pos- 
 sessing a highly civilized community. The landlord's 
 son, an urchin of about six years of age, was every now 
 and then running into the hall, and then out into the 
 street, huzzaing at every termination of his race, run- 
 ning against every body, and putting on all sorts of 
 wild antics he appeared to have "cut" his comrades in 
 
22 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 the street, and was going the enthusiastic on his own 
 hook, as if fully impressed with the honors descending 
 upon his father's house him our hero fixed upon to 
 learn particulars, and seizing him as he entered the hall, 
 enquired who was coming to eat the dinner that day. 
 
 " Hey, why, don't you know ? I guess you're a fellar 
 of the other party; it's the Governor that's a comin'," 
 and off dashed the young publican. 
 
 An alarm now drew the crowd in the bar room out 
 to the porch, barkeeper and all, and a citizen having 
 left his glass imtasted upon the counter, while he. went 
 to see the matter of interest outside, John just took the 
 liberty of tasting the contents, by way of a priming to 
 nerve him for future contingencies, and, after, quietly 
 strolled to the rear of the house, where discovering a 
 darkey blacking boots, he stuck up his dust-covered ex- 
 tremities, and authoritatively ordered him to brush them 
 up ; the darkey obeyed, and a wash after, at the pump, 
 brought out John's genius bright as a " new dollar" 
 to use his own expression, he was " a full case and 
 printed copy!" While he was arranging his cravat in 
 the sitting room, a shout rent the air which made the 
 glass before him rattle. Again ! again ! huzza ! and 
 dashing down to the hotel came a barouche containing 
 the guest, with the judge of the district, a member of 
 legislature, and the county clerk. Huzza ! shouted 
 the village huzza! shouted our hero, bang! went 
 a small swivel at the upper end of the town white 
 waved the ladies' handkerchiefs, and high swelled the 
 heart of a nation's statesman. At that exciting moment 
 the Indiana representative loomed upon the public eye al- 
 most majestic Clay was no-where, Polk wasn't thought 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 23 
 
 of, Webster was but a patching, and Van Buren was 
 small potatoes the only comparisons to the returned 
 representative, were Washington and old Hickory. 
 
 The signal was now given, and in poured the sub- 
 scribers to the dinner, with their guest, and in poured 
 John u on his own hook." The dining room shook 
 with applause as the member took his seat. The judge 
 presided upon the occasion, and after a blessing by the 
 parson, they set to at the viands. We need not enter 
 into particulars as to how the eatables looked or how 
 they were eaten, suffice it they were choice and plentiful, 
 and that the company showed an appreciatian of their 
 worth by clearing the table ! The host on this occasion 
 the happy host stood behind the member's chair with 
 a napkin, as if waiting for the great man to get through, 
 so he might wipe his mouth and hands for him. The 
 enthusiasm, and the liquor, had set the host's face in a 
 glow ; he looked as if he felt the greatness of the occa- 
 sion, and he said he didn't care, if they devoured every 
 thing in his house he was repaid by the honor, indeed, 
 he didn't know that he had anything more to live for 
 after that day, it was the crowning period of his career. 
 John, happy John ! was actually devastating everything 
 within his reach he hadn't had such a chance for days, 
 aye, weeks, and like Dugald Dalgetty, he not only made 
 the most of the present, but carefully laid up a small 
 provision for the future. He laughed at all jests within 
 hearing, and scattered his own with unusual brilliancy. 
 
 The period had now arrived for the toasts and 
 speeches, the feast of reason and the flow of liquor. 
 After the regulars were drank, the county clerk gained 
 the floor and offering a few striking and pertinent remarks, 
 
24 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 wherein he dwelt upon how the nation, and Indiana in 
 particular, had been rescued by their representative, he 
 proposed the following : 
 
 " Our representative, Charles Stumper, Esq., a pure 
 patriot of Indiana, may a nation's gratitude yet make 
 him a nation's head." 
 
 Amid the loud plaudits which followed, Charles 
 Stumper, Esq., bowed his head as if that head was 
 already a national crowning piece, and swallowing a 
 spoonfull of cold water, he arose from his seat with a 
 dignity befitting his august station. We have not room 
 here to give his speech in detail it was, of course, 
 great it couldn't be anything else ! When he finished 
 by saying that, " hereafter, body, bones, blood and all 
 were devoted to their service," a shout went up that 
 shook the town of M. like a small earthquake. Before 
 he took his seat he offered the following compliment : 
 
 "The town of M., while its citizens have an exist- 
 ence, the country is safe !" 
 
 By a loud shout the citizens of M. proclaimed that 
 they would save the country. During these enthusiastic 
 proceedings our hero, by his urbanity, wit, sentiment, 
 and good humor, had won a host of friends around him, 
 and considerable curiosity was manifested to know who 
 he was, but no one seemed able to give a satisfactory 
 reply. Some said, he came with the congressman, and 
 was his particular friend ; others went so far as to in- 
 timate that he was another congressman in disguise 
 indeed, it was whispered that he was a senator incog ! 
 
 " Hold on, fellars," said one of the citizens, "jest 
 hold your hosses, boys he'll come out directly; ther's 
 .suthin' more in that fellar than's on the outside !" 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 25 
 
 All appeared to agree to this sage opinion, and held 
 their " hosses" accordingly. At length a pause occur- 
 ing, as agreed upon by the editor of the county paper, 
 the principal lawyer of the town toasted " The Press, 
 the guardian of republican liberty." This toast was 
 offered to afford the county editor a chance to deliver 
 a speech, which he had prepared for the occasion, but 
 before he could clear his throat and get upon his legs, 
 John had gained the floor, and in a clear tone called 
 the attention of the table. Here was a subject upon 
 which John was at home he knew the press like a 
 book," and with easy manner and consummate assurance, 
 opened upon the great subject of its power. As he pro- 
 ceeded, all eyes dilated! he pictured its progress from 
 its earliest advent its days of weakness, until its present 
 wide-spread influence and power ; he grew eloquent, 
 and at length wound up with the following flourish : 
 
 " To the press, gentlemen, we owe all the astonishing 
 achievements of modern times they are the fruits of 
 its power. It was the press which in an iron age un- 
 shackled the mind of man and gave free scope to his 
 intellect, taught him to soar over the elemental fields 
 which gird him round about, and search into the sources 
 of his own being, the causes which produced the great 
 harmony in universal nature, and how to draw from 
 those causes effects which would promote his happiness 
 sent him forth upon the great field of discovery, and 
 spreading his achievements before the world, drew forth 
 the might of mind to his aid, and now having led him 
 to subdue the very lightning to his will, is by its aid 
 scattering intelligence broadcast through the earth. It 
 is not merely the guardian of Liberty it is its creator. 1 
 4 C 
 
26 THE WESTERN WA^DBRINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 % - "" ..'* '* *'.. 
 As the sun is to the solar system, so is the press to 
 
 human society ; eclipse either, and man is left in a night 
 of darkness more dreadful than annihilation!" 
 
 Applauses long and loud greeted his closing words; 
 even the ladies, looking through the windows of the 
 hotel from the porch which surrounded it, joined in 
 the tokens of satisfaction, and now more eagerly than 
 ever the question was propounded " who is he ?" No 
 one knew, but all were high in his praise, and honors 
 were showered so thick upon him that he hardly knew 
 what he was about every body wanted to drink with 
 him, and he drank with every body. Order was called 
 for his toast, and he gave 
 
 " The ladies of M. If heaven should blot out the 
 stars, we will not discover the loss while surrounded by 
 their bright eyes." 
 
 The huzzas became so deafening, the glory was so 
 unexpected, and the liquor was so pungent, that John 
 lost his compass, and began to beat about wild. Some 
 one said he would make a first rate stump speaker, and 
 to prove his capability he commenced a political speech, 
 sad mishap ! sad, because he forgot which side he 
 should be on ! and commenced a most scathing tirade 
 against the very party he was feasting with. He had so 
 won upon their good opinion that they listened patiently 
 for awhile, but patience soon melted away, and " turn 
 him out," was shouted from all sides of the table the 
 editor of the county paper was most violent for thrusting 
 him out, for John had cut him out of his speech on the 
 press. 
 
 "Turn him out!" shouted the editor, "he's a base 
 spy in the camp.' 
 
John perceived in a moment his fatal error, and felt 
 happy that it did not occur until dinner was over he felt 
 that he had made an impression, and was proud that it 
 was through no compromise of principle he had tasted 
 of their hospitality, and showed them he was an oppo- 
 nent still ; all that remained now, was to make a dignified 
 retreat, and raising, with some difficulty, erect, he said : 
 
 " Gentlemen, when I entered, (hic)-tered this as- 
 sembly, I thought I was among brethren, but I, (hie) I 
 find I was deceived, and that I have been somewhat 
 contaminated through error, so, (hie) so with your per- 
 mission I'll withdraw and repent. I will no long-(hic) 
 longer be one of you, but go forth to breathe a freer 
 air." 
 
 At this moment he raised his hat to place it on his 
 head, with a flourish, when out dropped the half of a 
 chicken, and two doughnuts, which he had stowed away 
 for a lunch. Their falling just at that particular moment 
 bothered him, and to leave them there bothered him 
 worse, but to pick them up was too humiliating he 
 scorned the action ; since, they would fall, why there 
 let them lie, he would none of them. 
 
 "Old fellar," said a hoosier citizen, "you'd better 
 pick up your chicken fixens afore you go." 
 
 "Never!" shouted John, indignantly, "I should 
 des-(hic) despise myself if I carried off the spoils of 
 the enemy you and your fragments may go to the 
 d 1!" 
 
 A yell followed his retreat, which would have shaken 
 the nerves of a Coriolanus, but they steadied our hero's, 
 and calm and composed he strode through the door lead 
 ing from the dining room. The county editor seized the 
 
\ - ~ - v > V> 
 
 28 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS* OF A TYPO.> 
 
 chicken and doughnuts, and hurled them after him, 
 when John coolly closed the door, picked up the in- 
 dignities, put them in his hat, and departed. Taking 
 the road which led from the town, he turned his back 
 upon the scene of the late festivities. As he again 
 plodded onward he might be heard ejaculating "Well, 
 wasn't that a streak of fat! What a dinner! Fit for the 
 gods, as I'm a gentleman ! Rather funny at the winding 
 up, but the commencement and the continuation was 
 conducted with statesmanlike skill, and after all, the 
 winding up was but an agreeable little interlude." 
 
 As John crept into a barn that night, some few miles 
 from the town of M., aird stretched himself upon the 
 straw to sleep off the glories of the day, he quietly 
 murmured to himself "Well, here goes for another 
 streak of lean /" 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 JOHN'S EDITORIAL CAREER. 
 | 
 
 IN our hero's peregrinations he wandered into the 
 Sucker state, the country of vast projected rail roads, 
 good corndodger, splendid banking houses, and poor 
 currency, and during his progress therein he earned and 
 hoarded about one hundred and fifty bona fide dollars. 
 With this store of wealth jingling in his pockets, he en- 
 tered the town of B ; he did not come now as the 
 
 needy adventurer, but as one holding one hundred and 
 fifty considerations entitling him to respect. The world 
 had taken a wider spread to his eye, and assumed new 
 features, or rather he began to see with a clearer vision, 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 29 
 
 for the common order of society appeared now, as 
 plain as daylight, to have most villainous faces, and the 
 respectability of wealth was as apparent as moonshine 
 he could now easily assign a reason for the deference 
 paid to high station in short, he had arrived at a state 
 of feeling highly becoming the possessor of increasing 
 wealth. Addressing the innkeeper of the town, who 
 was a member of one of the first families, with an air 
 of consequence, he demanded a whole room for his 
 accommodation, when heretofore the third chance in a 
 bed would have been considered a luxury, oriental in its 
 character, and a blessing befitting a "three tailed bashaw." 
 The little town was an important one, as all sucker 
 towns are, yet the arrival of our hero was enough to 
 create a sensation from its one extremity to the other. 
 An acquaintance with the innkeeper soon gained him. 
 an introduction to the member of the legislature from 
 that district, and this opening soon made him intimate 
 with the town. Many efforts were made by the citizens 
 to " draw him out," and learn his business, but John 
 kept dark. He's a close fellar," said a sucker 
 citizen, "but I reckon, arter all, his business is pole- 
 ticks." These and sundry other " ambiguous givings 
 out," assured our hero that he was a subject of gene- 
 ral interest. " What is his politics ?" was a question of 
 import, duly discussed in the leading political circles ; 
 and " was he married ?" and, " who'd get him, if he 
 wasn't ?" was equally an absorbing matter of interest 
 among the ladies; indeed, an animated discussion as to 
 his preference had already caused a coolness between 
 several pairs of devoted female friends. It was said 
 that the pert Miss A , the storekeeper's daughter, had 
 c2 
 
30 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 absolutely walked down the principal street of B , 
 
 right before our hero, swinging the skirt of her frock 
 in a most enticing manner. Such a bold and forced 
 movement to take him by surprise, before any other 
 maid could get a chance, was declared, at a tea and 
 gossip party, to be most " tolerable and not to be en- 
 dured." At length his object was made known he 
 inquired of the legislative member, if that was a good 
 point to establish a paper, and as soon as his surprise 
 would permit, the member declared it to be an immense 
 place, indeed, an enormous location, and more than that, 
 the material for an establishment was in the town, had 
 been in operation, and all it wanted was an editor to 
 conduct the paper. John signified his ability and wil- 
 lingness, and the intelligence spread through the town 
 like a prairie fire, and some pretty noses turned up as 
 their owners exclaimed "Why, I swow, he's only a 
 printer, after all !" 
 
 The member for the district, along, lanky, cadaverous 
 lawyer, who was death on a speech, powerful in chew- 
 ing tobacco, and some at a whisky drinking, was part 
 owner of the printing concern, and having an opponent 
 in the district, who had started a paper in the lower 
 town, on the river, to oppose him, he was most anxious 
 to get the press going; so, assuring John he could have 
 it at his own terms, and one hundred and fifty subscribers 
 to commence with, which must of course swell to a 
 thousand, they settled the matter, and proceeded to 
 examine the establishment. It was at length agreed 
 that our hero should give one hundred and twenty-five 
 dollars of his one hundred and fifty, in cash, and his 
 note for four hundred and fifty Collars more, payable at 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 31 
 
 the end of a year, besides fifty dollars rent for the office, 
 which also belonged to the lawyer. A meeting of 
 the first citizens of the town was held on the ensuing 
 evening, to which John Earl, Esq., was formally intro- 
 duced as the new editor of the B Eagle, and the 
 
 re-commencement of the paper duly discussed. 
 
 You've hearn tell of the bank and tariff questions ?" 
 inquired a leading constituent and subscriber. 
 
 John answered " yes," he was somewhat acquainted 
 with them. 
 
 " Well, hoss, we 'spect you to be right co-chunk up 
 to the hub on them thar questions, and to pour it inter 
 the inimy in slashergaff style." 
 
 John agreed to do his prettiest. 
 
 " In the town below us," continued the constituent, 
 " thar is a fellar of the inimy who's dead bitter agin 
 us and our town, so you must gin him scissors ! Rile 
 him up, and sot his liver workin', 'cause the skunk is 
 injurin' our location. Advartis' our doins' in gineral, 
 sich as we got to sell, and throw yourself wide on the 
 literary fixins and poetry, for the galls and, Mister 
 Earl, ef you ony do this genteely, and with spirit, the 
 whole town will take the paper ! Don't forgit to gin the 
 town below particular saltpetre." 
 
 John gave them to understand that if his subscribers 
 wished it, he would not only cut up the editor, but 
 throw the lower town into a series of fits which would 
 cause its utter dissolution. All being duly settled, our 
 hero retired to his room to dream of future greatness. 
 Already did he behold sheets filled with editorial tact 
 and talent already was his name inscribed upon the 
 roll with illustrious editorial contemporaries Ritchie, 
 
32 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 Pleasants, Blair, Gales, Chandler, Prentice and Neal, 
 those great names of the tripod tribe already numbered 
 him on their list, and he fancied "his name grown great 
 in mouths of wisest censure," while his pockets were 
 correspondingly corpulent with the reward for such 
 ability. Poor fellow, could he have drawn aside the 
 curtain, and beheld the days of toil, the struggles to 
 procure ink and paper, the labor of writing editorials, 
 and the labor of setting them up, working them off at 
 press, pasting up the mail, and the lack of reward which 
 repaid this drudgery, he would have kicked ambition 
 out of his company, and clutched his little hoard like a 
 vice. 
 
 The town of B and the town below, had been 
 
 rivals ever since they were first laid out upon a map 
 the growth of one had always been the envy of the 
 other, and an improvement in one was sure to be imi- 
 tated by the other. The lower town had been most suc- 
 cessful in the publication of a newspaper, for the reason 
 that they paid something to support it, while the town 
 of B suffered for the neglect they manifested to- 
 wards the press. The editor below not only abused 
 the religion, politics, merchandise, and intelligence of 
 
 B , but the beauty of the women, and the smartness 
 
 of the babies ; he had even gone so far as to say that 
 
 B women and babies could be known by their 
 
 heads. This was an outrage most unpardonable, and 
 John rose in estimation as their defender against such 
 vandal accusations. 
 
 Behold John seated scratching out his first editorial ! 
 Ah, ye weavers of cheap literature, who have watched 
 with aching cuiiosity the appearance of your first prq- 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 33 
 
 duction ye writers of small poetry for daily journals, 
 who have listened so eagerly for praise ye penny edi- 
 tors who have successfully tickled the popular ear ye 
 ruling deities of mammoth weeklies, what are all your 
 feelings, concentrated into one great throb, in comparison 
 to the mighty throes of talent waking from her sleep in 
 the mind of John Earl. It would have shocked the 
 lower town like the heaving of a volcano, had they but 
 known the shower of expletives our hero was tracing on 
 the sheet before him. Goths and Vandals, corruption 
 and spoilsmen, traitors and apostates, vile incendiaries, 
 and polluting vipers, poisonous demagogues, and a host 
 more, bitter as sin, were showered like hail from his 
 pen, when giving "perticular goss" to the lower town 
 editor and his abettors. 
 
 With the appearance of the first number our hero's 
 consequence began to rise, the respectable citizens took 
 him cordially by the hand, and their daughters smiled 
 upon him, while the poorer inhabitants wondered at his 
 "larninV 
 
 " A most excellent first number," said the lanky 
 member, " a good quantity of hot shot just the thing 
 sew the lower town up you've got prodigious talents 
 
 immense !" 
 
 John bowed to the pleasing flattery. 
 
 "Well, hoss," said the storekeeper constituent and 
 subscriber, "You've slashed the hide off 'er that fellar 
 in the lower town, touched his raw, and rumpled his 
 feathers that's the way to give him Jessy. I raily be- 
 lieve you'll git yourself inter the legislate' afore long, 
 ef you keep on." 
 
 Our hero listened to these first breathings of fame 
 5 
 
34 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 with a swelling bosom there was a chance of his becom- 
 ing somebody, at last, and labor became a pleasure when 
 it produced such a yield. At a public meeting called in 
 the town he was elected secretary, and ventured on the 
 occasion to make a speech, which was loudly applauded, 
 and in the next number of the Eagle appeared a glowing 
 description of the proceedings, with a synopsis of his 
 own speech. This awoke some jealousy in the mind of 
 the lanky member, who thought John wished to supplant 
 him. As time progressed the Eagle increased its subscrip- 
 tion to two hundred, its editor grew popular, in debt, 
 and received nothing from his subscribers indeed, he 
 soon discovered that pay made up no part of their pa- 
 tronage, and he began to grow tired of laboring for glory 
 alone. All this time the war was waging hotter and 
 thicker between the towns and their editors. At length 
 he of the lower town inserted in his "Patriotic Herald 
 and Telegraph" the following : 
 
 $f=" We are informed, from good authority, that the 
 Buzzard of the Eagle cannot pay his board bill, and 
 fears are entertained that he will slope without liquidat- 
 ing the debt !" 
 
 This was personal every body said it was personal 
 the lanky member said it must be wiped out with 
 blood the storekeeper swore that John must " eat the 
 
 other fellar's gizzard" and the ladies of B resolved, 
 
 at a tea party, that the death of the lower town editoi 
 could alone atone for the many indignities he had heaped 
 upon them, and John was the very man to offer himself 
 up as a sacrifice. All the subscribers to the Eagle were 
 interested in the matter, for they would gain in any 
 event, as how : If the lower town editor was removed, 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 35 
 
 an enemy had perished ; if John fell, a creditor's ac- 
 counts were closed, so they were unanimous for a duel. 
 The lanky member informed John of the general opinion 
 of the public as to what he should do, and urged the 
 sending of a challenge forthwith, which he offered to 
 bear. John intimated that he must have a day to prac- 
 tise before he sent the missive, and this was acceded 
 to as prudent, but bowie knives were recommended by 
 his friend- as much the safest and sure means of killing. 
 Our hero seated himself in the Eagle office that night, 
 where the ghost of his departed greatness visited his 
 waking thoughts, to laugh at his present misery. Of 
 his one hundred and fifty dollars, but twenty-five re- 
 mained his clothes were nearly worn out his board 
 bill unpaid his subscriptions and advertisements ditto, 
 and the supply of paper and ink was insufficient for 
 another issue, besides a duel on hand with another poor 
 devil of an editor, and the whole town thirsting for the 
 bloody transaction. A thought flashed upon his brain 
 he would go see his antagonist. No sooner was the 
 idea conceived than he put it in execution. Gathering 
 up his remaining twenty-five dollars he set off in the 
 night for the lower town, where he arrived about day- 
 light. After a hasty breakfast at the inn, he entered the 
 " Herald office," and seating himself upon the only chair 
 in the establishment, inquired for the editor. A little 
 pale man, engaged at case, lay down his composing stick 
 and advanced, expecting a new subscriber, but started 
 to run as soon as he was informed that the editor of the 
 " Eagle" was before him. John stopped his egress 
 and made him sit down while he talked to him. A 
 conversation brought on mutual apologies, and he found 
 
36 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 his antagonist as great a sufferer as himself the mere 
 hack of county politicians, who had been lured by the 
 same phantom greatness, until he had worn himself to 
 a corresponding shadow, chasing the vision. The two 
 typo editors shook hands in friendship, and our hero 
 departed homeward. 
 
 On John's arrival he encountered the member, who 
 urged the immediate despatch of the challenge, which 
 John refused, and to his refusal added some words of 
 contempt for the citizens of B , and their represen- 
 tative in particular. This aroused the member, who de- 
 clared that cowardice had driven him over to the enemy. 
 To prove the falsehood of this assertion, John knocked 
 the member down, and kicked his honor must indig- 
 nantly. The editor of the Eagle was well aware, that 
 after this outbreak he must "break for tall timber," so 
 cooking a smash dish of pi in his office, he bequeathed 
 the feast to his successor, and leaving his subscription 
 list, and interest in the concern, to pay his debts, he 
 beat a hasty retreat. As he hurried through the woods 
 skirting the river, the welcome puff of a steamer saluted 
 his ear, and waving his handkerchief as a signal, she 
 stopped, landed a boat, and took him on board. 
 
 Farewell to B , its dreams of greatness had faded 
 
 to mist, and instead of growing honor, emolument, and 
 renown, it had yielded naught but the fruit of bitterness, 
 accompanied with toil and care, the end of which was a 
 roll back to the bottom of the hill he had fancied already 
 climbed. The great of earth will smile at his troubles, 
 happy for him that his disposition would only permit 
 them to cause a momentary sadness. As the steamer 
 receded from the scene of his late vexation and care, he 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 37 
 
 began to rejoice in his freedom, and in a light-hearted 
 mood paced her deck, an untrammelled candidate for 
 new fortune. Bright dreams of the future came again, 
 and what a blessing it is that the lonely adventurer in 
 this world is permitted to dream, for with a vivid ima- 
 gination he may revel in joys which waking reality can 
 never equal. 
 
 Let us return a moment to B . All there, as may 
 
 be supposed, was a scene of confusion, indignation, and 
 horror, at the outrage inflicted upon the member he 
 had absolutely been Jdcked ! A warrant was issued for 
 John, and then it was discovered he had sloped more 
 indignation! The editor of the lower town still lived, 
 and the member had been kicked horror! The office 
 of the Eagle was in pi and its editor non est, which 
 means nowhere terrible excitement ! Here was capital 
 for the lower town editor, and didn't he use it to use a 
 classical expression he lit upon the upper town and its 
 member " like a thousand of brick!" He charged them 
 with starving their editor, charged their editor with cow- 
 ardice, charged the member with tamely submitting to 
 be kicked by the aforesaid cowardly editor, and wound 
 up by asserting that the town of B produced no- 
 thing but pusillanimous men, ugly women, and pug- 
 nosed babies ! The glory of B , departed while the 
 
 lower town swelled into vast importance, and its editor 
 received a present of two new shirts from the ladies of 
 his section, besides three spirited subscribers paid him 
 one dollar each, of their four years subscription a stretch 
 of liberality so astounding, that to this day the event 
 forms one of the most interesting legends of the Sucker 
 state. 
 
 D 
 
38 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TUPO. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 HIS WANDERINGS THROUGH THE PRAIRIES. 
 
 JOHN, now released from his thraldom, bent his way to 
 Chicago, to pursue fortune in the lake country, and land- 
 ing at Peoria, he resolved to foot it across the prairies, 
 to the head of 'Lake Michigan. His store, as usual, em- 
 braced a scanty wardrobe, attached to the end of a stick, 
 and twenty dollars in cash. As he journeyed on, he would 
 occasionally break into a laugh as the recollections of 
 
 B would intrude themselves upon his thoughts. 
 
 His former castle-building, however, served to enliven 
 the way with merriment, as foot and eye travelled into 
 the future, and setting the past down as so much paid 
 for experience, he consoled himself with the thought of 
 his youth and health, snapped his fingers at care, and 
 held himself in an easy state of mind to receive what- 
 ever fate might send him. At the close of the second day 
 of his journey he halted on the edge of a prairie at a small 
 log house. A tidy woman was bustling about in the in- 
 terior, and two children, whose little faces were yellow 
 as saffron, sat listlessly upon the door sill, playing with 
 bits of broken delf. Their narrow habitation presented 
 little of comfort to cheer the inmates or welcome the 
 traveller. He inquired if he could lodge there, and 
 the woman answered that such as she had to offer, he 
 was welcome to, but being a lonely widow, and far 
 from where any thing comfortable could be obtained, 
 she had but poor accommodations to offer. Our hero 
 was easily pleased, and so signified to her. Depositing 
 his bundle within, he took the axe from her hands, with 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 39 
 
 which she was about to chop some wood, and throwing 
 off his coat, he prepared the fuel to cook their evening- 
 repast, then seating himself upon a hickory bottomed 
 chair, he took the widow's sickly little daughter upon 
 his knee, and coaxed a smile into her wan countenance. 
 The mother watched the gambols of her child with the 
 merry stranger, and a tear of pleasure sparkled in her 
 eye, while the feeling sent a pleasing expression over 
 her sad countenance ; she spoke to him, too, in a tone 
 of kindness different from her first words, because there 
 was something friendly about his manner, and his light- 
 hearted gayety was cheering to her sorrow. 
 
 When the table was spread, the corn cakes and pork 
 placed upon it, with some milk, John seated himself 
 with the children beside him, and attended to their little 
 wants, with such kindness of manner, that ere the meal 
 had ended, the little family began to imbibe something 
 of their guest's gay spirit. As they gathered around the 
 fire that evening, the widow ventured to inquire where 
 her visiter was from, and when he informed her he was 
 a Philadelphian, her eyes filled with tears, that, too, 
 was her birthplace. Looking upon the stranger, now, as 
 a brother whom she had encountered in the wilderness, 
 she poured into his ear her sad story. Her husband and 
 herself, both young, had started some years previous 
 from Philadelphia, for the west his object being to 
 secure a home of his own, and liking the spot where 
 their cabin stood, they " squatted ;" all went cheerfully 
 for a time, but sickness soon came, and the prevailing 
 fever of the country had swept him away from her side, 
 leaving her far from the home of her childhood, with 
 two children, friendless and alone. Sad days had pass- 
 
 
40 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 ed since then, and hope was almost dead within her. 
 Beneath a small hillock, surrounded with a little paling 
 of pointed sticks, drove into the ground by her own 
 hands, reposed the remains of her husband, and there 
 lay buried all her hopes for the future. John spoke 
 cheeringly to her, and to divert her thoughts from pre- 
 sent sorrow, talked of their far-off home. The widow's 
 little girl nestled in his lap, her little hands clasped 
 around one of his, her head reclining upon his breast, 
 while on a stool at the mother's side sat her little boy, 
 and thus and there the wandering printer called up a 
 panorama of their birthplace. Old Christ Church bells 
 sounded in their ears again a Christmas' peal together 
 they wandered by the Schuylkill side ; or, climbing 
 Fair Mount hill, looked out upon the wide-spread city ; 
 or, trod again its streets teeming with a gay and busy 
 populace each well-known antique habitation or hall, 
 remembered by both, was spoken of with affection, as 
 a memento of happy days the wide and dreary prairie, 
 over which the autumn wind was sighing cold and 
 sadly, was forgotten now scenes far away rose like 
 shadows around the inhabitants of the log mansion, and 
 the hum of the old city drowned the voice of the west 
 wind, as it moaned around their dwelling. There was 
 the place, and those the circumstances, in which home 
 wore its most heavenly hue. The lone widow that 
 night thanked Heaven in her prayers, that one had been 
 directed across her pathway to cheer her heart with sweet 
 remembrances ; and in her dreams, as she wandered 
 again among the scenes of childhood, the faces she met 
 all bore resemblance to the stranger their tones of 
 welcome sounded like his, and a smile, sweet as ever, 
 

 t 
 
Raising his hat and kissing his hand, he turned down the slope." 
 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 41 
 
 rested upon a virtuous mother's lip ; she slumbered 
 through the live long night in happiness. The good 
 angel, who registers kindness of mortal to mortal, surely 
 marked here^credit in favor of the typo. 
 
 When thei^P^pbg sun cast his golden sheen over 
 the rich carpet of the prairie, John prepared to depart, 
 and shaking the widow by the hand, he assured her that 
 she should see home again, for he would search out her 
 friends and have her sent for. As he stepped off from 
 the house, the little girl run after him for a farewell kiss, 
 and taking out of his pocket the remainder of his little 
 wealth, seventeen dollars in all, he reserved one dollar 
 for his travelling expenses, and placing his purse, with 
 the remaining sixteen dollars, in the belt of the child, 
 sent her back to her mother, and with the step of an 
 emperor strode on his way. At the brow of a rising 
 slope, in view of the cabin, he turned back to look, and 
 saw the widow and her little ones watching his receding 
 footsteps raising his hat and kissing his hand he turned 
 down the slope and was soon hidden from their sight. 
 Improvident John, to thus give all thy store, except a 
 trifle, to the widow and the orphan. Ah, ye cold and 
 sordid ones of earth, a single thrill such as played about 
 his heart then, was worth a mountain of your money bags. 
 Contrasting his situation with the poor widow whom he 
 had just departed from, he felt rich as Croesus the 
 craft of his hand, his robust youth, and a single dollar 
 were odds in his favor against the worst circumstances. 
 
 Two days more had passed when weary and foot-sore 
 he approached a small village, and accosting an inha- 
 bitant leaning over a fence, he inquired if there was any 
 chance of employment in the neighborhood. 
 6 D2 
 
42 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 " Well, Pm of the opinion, stranger," said the sucker, 
 " that your chance here, is pretty much as to what you 
 can do ef you'r anythin' of a brick md^er, Old Jo 
 Simms wants a man at his yard, down thar at the 
 branch ; but you don't look amazin'like a mud moul- 
 der, hoss !" 
 
 " I'm not much for looks," said John, " but I'm 
 creation at shaping things, and as for bricks, I'm a 
 whole load of them 'front stretchers,' at that made 
 of choice clay Father Adam's patent so just point 
 the way to Jo Simms, and some day come over and 
 see a specimen of my brick." 
 
 Receiving the proper direction, down he went to the 
 brick-maker's dwelling, where, on entering, he en- 
 countered old Mrs. Jo Simms, and a look at her good 
 humored countenance satisfied him, that an .instalment 
 on his new situation, in the shape of a supper and bed, 
 was not only possible, but very probable. After making 
 known his business, the old lady surveyed his person, 
 and remarked 
 
 " Well, the old man did talk of hirin' some help, 
 'cause thar's a lot of brick orders on hand, and I sup- 
 pose you mought do you look dreadful draggled 
 though, and tired as a prairie team, arter a hard day's 
 ploughin'." 
 
 John readily assented to her comment on his appear- 
 ance, and asked if he could'nt have something to eat 
 and a bed, for he was both tired and hungry, after his 
 tramp to see about the situation. The good matron, 
 sympathisingly, prepared him a good supper, and con- 
 ducted him to a small, neat room over the kitchen, where 
 a clean bed and comfortable covering lay temptingly in 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 43 
 
 repose, as if waiting for some weary body, to rest it. 
 This was no time to philosophise on luck, so John 
 turned in and straight addressed himself to sleep it 
 came without coaxing, and as Morpheus wrapped him 
 in her poppy robe] it seemed to him a covering of the 
 softest fur and brightest hues. His dreams were peo- 
 pled by a weary train of foot passengers, who toiled 
 along beneath a burning sun, with sticks across their 
 shoulders, and bundles dangling at their ends, while 
 he seemed drawn on a chariot of air, whose delightful 
 floating motion lulled the senses into a soft, dreamy 
 languor not a sleep of forgetfulness, but one where 
 the brain was sensible of the body's enjoyment and 
 refreshing breezes, laden with the fragrance of prairie 
 flowers, fanned his brow. It was mortality tasting the 
 repose of the gods ! When morning broke John turned 
 himself on his couch just to realise the truth of his sit- 
 uation, and hugged the covering to his rested body with 
 a lover's fervor. As he thus lay enjoying the waking 
 reality, a conversation in the kitchen below him attracted 
 his attention. The old lady was telling her son, a young 
 man, that an applicant for the situation of help in the 
 yard, was sleeping above. 
 
 " What, have you engaged him ?" inquired the 
 son. 
 
 " No, not azactly engaged him, but I gin the poor 
 creatur' suthin' to eat, and sent him to bed, expectin' to 
 be engaged in the rnornin' he's not jest strong enough, 
 but appears mity willin'." 
 
 Well, I'm consarned sorry you did any sich a 
 thing," said he, " 'cause we won't want a man for a 
 month yit." 
 
44 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 " Well, the creatur' will be dreadfully disappinted," 
 answered the old lady. 
 
 " Not so much as you think, Mrs. Jo Simms," 
 thought our hero, and then he began to congratulate 
 himself on his good fortune : 
 
 " I am a most lucky disciple of Faust," said he, 
 " I've had a supper fit for a lord, and a couch where 
 the imperial form of sovereignty might repose unruffled 
 and did for I'm an august representative of Ame- 
 rican sovereignty ! What next? If the good angel of the 
 lonely widow and her little ones don't now desert me, 
 I stand < a right smart chance' of getting a breakfast 
 into the bargain ! Well," concluded John, u this is too 
 much luck for weak human nature to bear easily, so it 
 is necessary to nerve myself, or I shall be overcome." 
 Dressing himself, he descended to the kitchen, and made 
 the acquaintance of the younger Jo Simms, who appeared 
 very backward in breaking to our hero the sad news of 
 his rejection as help in the yard. At length, however, 
 he kindly broke the intelligence, and before John could 
 answer he offered him two dollars to pay his expenses 
 back, and, moreover, invited him to partake of the 
 smoking repast just preparing. 
 
 "Say no more about it, my dear sir," says John, 
 " such liberality removes the pain of disappointment." 
 
 It was refreshing to see how his phiz lighted up at his 
 luck, and all parties being perfectly satisfied, they enjoy- 
 ed the morning meal with a relish. As John was about 
 to depart, the good old dame rolled him up a lunch of 
 short cake, and he bid farewell to brick making. 
 
 In a short time he arrived at Chicago, where he ob- 
 tained work at his business, but the exposure he had 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 45 
 
 undergone brought on the fever and ague, which shook 
 him out of all respect for Illinois, and he therefore de- 
 termined to leave it, so embarking one bright morning, 
 he shook it an adieu which made his teeth chatter, 
 which excitement was of course followed by a most 
 subduing fever. 
 
 On the fifth day after their departure from Chicago, 
 while crossing the head of Lake Erie, from Detroit river 
 towards Cleveland, John had stretched himself after a 
 shake, upon a settee at the head of the cabin, and in 
 sight of the gangway leading to the boiler deck, and 
 while thus in a reposing attitude he was enjoying quietly 
 his fever, he observed one of the hands ascend from 
 below, his visage all begrimed and covered with a pro- 
 fuse perspiration, and cautiously approach the captain, 
 to whom he whispered something which produced much 
 excitement in the commander's countenance, but his 
 manner exhibited no haste. Coolly walking through 
 the cabin and around the boat, he approached the 
 gangway and looked below, then carefully surveyed the 
 passengers, as if to note whether he was observed. John, 
 who had been watching his movements, arose from his 
 couch and advanced towards him, the captain spread 
 himself before the hold to prevent his seeing below, 
 whereupon our hero, who had shrewdly guessed the 
 cause of his agitation, whispered in his ear to descend, 
 that he knew the steamer was on fire below, and while 
 endeavouring to quench it, he would divert the attention 
 of any who might approach the hold. The captain 
 thanked him, and John took his post. How dreadful 
 was their situation, yet how unconcerned all on board 
 walked about, or lounged upon seats around the cabin 
 
. 
 
 THE 'WESTERN .WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 arid decks. Beneath them struggled one destroying 
 element, and around them on either side, dancing in 
 the sunbeams, spread another ; while like a thread upon 
 the surface of the far-off waters appeared the only land 
 in view. Oh, how the flickering flame struggled in that 
 dark hold for mastery, and how bravely the sinewy arms 
 of its late masters battled to get it again in bondage. At 
 one moment the hissing water appeared to have quenched 
 it, but the next the bright flame curled up far in by the 
 boiler side, and a fold of dark smoke would roll out 
 derisively in the face of its foes. It was a contest for 
 life, and here upon the broad wave the fire had them at 
 fearful odds. In a short time the commander appeared 
 on deck, very much agitated, and taking our hero aside, 
 he declared to him that there was no hope the fire was 
 increasing ! Calling the passengers together, he informed 
 them of their situation, and opening a closet distributed 
 among them a number of life preservers, then ordering 
 the boats cleared, he coolly prepared for the catastrophe. 
 Some of the passengers grew almost frantic ; and if not 
 prevented, would have plunged overboard to certain 
 death ; others calmly prepared for the worst, and some 
 were amusing in their lamentations. 
 
 " Captin, you'll hev tu pay right smartly for that 
 truck of mine, if you git it spiled," said a down easter, 
 " and it's jest my luck tu meet with sech consarned 
 ruin. There ain't no sea sarpints in this lake as you 
 know on, is there ? du tell us, now, afore a fellow's 
 shoved off." 
 
 " Is it sarpents ?" inquired an Irishman, " oh, me 
 darlint, if that was all we had to contind with, I'd curl 
 him up like the worm uv a still, wid the crass I've got, 
 
*HJX^|*p^ 
 
 but it's 'the thunderin' sharks that'll make short work V 
 uv a body, and divil a crass'll pravint thim." ^^ 
 
 " Now, these things," said Jonathan, holding up a 
 gum elastic, "they calls life presarvers ; why, I swow tu 
 gracious, if they aint more like patent forks, tu hold a 
 fellar up, while the consarned lake varmints nibbles his 
 legs off, comfortably." 
 
 A large fat lady, who had provided herself with an 
 enormous sized preserver, was in a dreadful way to 
 know if her chance for floating was at all probable. 
 
 " Why, bless you, Marm," said the mate, " there's 
 wind enough about you to float a whaler." The fat 
 lady became tranquil with this assurance. 
 
 It was now proposed by the captain, to cut a hole 
 through the vessel's deck, and pour in water directly 
 upon the fire ; this being the only hope for saving the 
 vessel, it was instantly adopted, and willing hands in 
 a few moments made the opening, into which the 
 boat's hose was turned, and in a brief period, the en- 
 gineer reported the heat abating. The spirits of all 
 on board revived on hearing this intelligence, and a 
 further application of the counter element removed all 
 grounds for fear. As the horrors of their late situation 
 disappeared, the light house at the mouth of Cleveland 
 harbor rose in view, calming the fears of all, and mark- 
 ing in its welcome proportions the scene of rest for our 
 wandering hero. What here chanced to befall him we 
 shall reserve for our concluding chapter. 
 
V *- 
 
 s WESTERN WANDERINGS >OF A TYPO. 
 - . \ - . \ 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 HIS ENCOUNTER WITH OLD FRIENDS. 
 
 OUR hero, on landing in Cleveland, placed his bun- 
 dle in one hand, and stick in the other, and thus leisurely 
 sauntered up the hill and through the main street of this 
 young mart of trade. Although his body drooped with 
 sickness, the air of life and thriving industry which sur- 
 rounded him, aroused his active mind to exertion. His 
 old companion of travel resided here, and now was a 
 fitting time to try his professions of regard. While 
 reading the sighs along the street, he mentally ventured 
 the opinion that " Smith & Co." were doing an extensive 
 business, for their name was attached to commercial 
 concerns all over the country ; and as thus ruminating, 
 another, and quite as familiar a name, met his eye, be- 
 sides it was a vastly more interesting name none other 
 than his old adopted Father's cognomen. He could 
 scarcely bring himself to believe that the imposing store 
 before him was really occupied by those who were so 
 endeared to him by past kindness that was a streak of 
 too good luck to be possible ; nevertheless, thinking he 
 might gratify himself with a peep at the possessor of so 
 honored a name, he approached the window, and looked 
 into the interior can it be ? yes it is ! " plain as a 
 pipe stem" sure enough, his old adopted father stood 
 before him ! There, amid the piles of soles and uppers, 
 with spectacles on nose, and head a little bald, stood that 
 veritable good old soul, who had sheltered his infant 
 years. Time had not furrowed his brow with the chisel, 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 49 
 
 but his brush had traced its easy progress; nor had 
 the storm torn away his locks the gentle zephyr had 
 plucked the silvery threads away to sport with them in 
 the sunbeam. Contentment lingered in his quiet smile, 
 and " well to do in the world," was legibly written 
 upon his portly person. John entered the store, and 
 putting on the air of a purchaser, seated himself upon a 
 settee, and held his foot up to be measured the old 
 man adjusted his spectacles, kneeled down upon one 
 knee, stole a glance over his glasses at his customer, 
 and commenced taking the dimensions of our hero's 
 foot ; but there was an indescribable something about 
 the face, which drove the foot from his memory, and 
 while he was trying to rake up from the past some 
 known body on which to fix the head and face, he for- 
 got that he was holding the foot, until John asked him, 
 if "there was anything uncommon about its shape?'' 
 The old man, stammering an excuse, started to his draw- 
 ers to select a pair of the right size, but the stranger's 
 face again so mixed itself up with the figures on his 
 strap and rule, that he was forced to return and measure 
 the foot over again. John observed his quandary, and 
 smiled at the old man's efforts to recollect him. At this 
 moment the old lady came to the door separating the 
 shop from the dwelling, and looking in, spoke to her 
 husband ; our hero recognised her in a moment, he could 
 not refrain himself, but springing to his feet with a shout, 
 he laughingly held out his arms, exclaiming " Mother, 
 don't you know me !" If not at the first glance, the 
 tones of his voice, and the ring of his merry laughter, 
 called up the vivid remembrance of his boyish days with 
 the rapidity of thought, and throwing herself into his 
 arms she sobbed with joy, as if he were in verity her 
 7 E 
 
50 THE WESTEKN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 own long lost offspring ; the old man, too, dropping his 
 measure, seized our hero ; and here tears of true feeling 
 mingled in one current remembrances of the past 
 clustered around, and joy, deep and holy as dwells 
 within the human breast, held uninterrupted revel. 
 
 The store was closed early that night, and as they 
 were seated round the evening meal, John would, with 
 sketches of his past history since they parted, at one mo- 
 ment draw from them shouts of merriment, and then again, 
 as he dwelt on some hard streak of fortune, "beguile them 
 of their tears." Oh, it was a happy night, that night 
 of meeting on the shore of the broad lake. The gay 
 revel within sumptuous halls affords no joy like this, for 
 here the fountains of the heart danced to the music of 
 affection ; the air to which they kept time was " past 
 days," and their pure current swelled into a flood of 
 nature's kindliest harmony all was joy, all happiness. 
 With a motherly care, as in days of his childhood, the 
 old lady stripped his neck, and washed away the dust of 
 travel, then conducting him to a neatly furnished cham- 
 ber, she kissed him good night, and retired to thank Hea- 
 ven that her aged eyes had been permitted to see him 
 again. While our hero slept happily above, the old folks 
 talked long and earnestly in the chamber beneath him, 
 and before they closed their eyes in sleep, resolved that he 
 should never again part from them. They had none in 
 this world to care for, save him, and Heaven, the old lady 
 said, had sent him back to their roof to be an honor 
 and comfort to their old age. In the morning they awoke 
 to a renewal of these happy feelings, and over the break- 
 fast table future plans were freely discussed. John 
 mentioned his travelling acquaintance, and taking the 
 card from his vest pocket, showed it to his adopted 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 51 
 
 father, who immediately recognised the owner as one 
 of his customers, one of the most wealthy, and of 
 coarse, respected citizens in Cleveland. To visit him 
 a new suit was necessary, and after the morning meal 
 the old man piloted him to a tailoring establishment, and 
 fitted him from head to foot in a fine suit in short, he 
 disguised our hero, and it was pleasant to see with 
 what admiration the aged couple looked through their 
 spectacles at the change. 
 
 I cfe-clare if you don't look like a gentleman, when 
 you're dressed," said the old lady. 
 
 " And why not, mother?" inquired John." It is the 
 material which passes current for gentility. If half 
 mankind, who now move through good society unques- 
 tioned, were placed in my old dusty suit, the world would 
 never discover their claims to the title no, no ! After 
 all, your fine suit is the world's standard of a fine 
 gentleman it will gain the owner consideration among 
 mixed assemblies credit in the mart of trade a high 
 place in the synagogue, and moreover, it is a general 
 ticket, entitling its possessor to the world's civility!" 
 
 "Well, bless me!" exclaimed the old woman, "if 
 they don't make a change in your talk you're gittin' 
 right topioftical." 
 
 After many thanks on our hero's part, and much ad- 
 miration on the part of his friends, he received .permis- 
 sion to wander forth and see his old friend of the road, 
 to whose dwelling he was correctly directed by the shoe 
 dealer. A kiss from his adopted mother, a five dollar 
 bill from the old man, for pocket money, and out sallied 
 John, his person erect, and step buoyant with good for- 
 tune sickness had almost fled before his revived hopes. 
 
 The aged pair stood in the store door gazing on his 
 
52 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 manly form, as he receded from them, and a feeling of 
 pride glowed in their hearts, the nearest akin to a pa- 
 rent's, that nature will permit. They knew that no one 
 could rightfully dispute their claim to him, and proud in 
 their pre-emption right, they retired into their dwelling 
 with newly awakened pleasure. Arrived at his travelling 
 acquaintance's mansion, he looked at the name of 
 " Charles C. Briggs, Attorney at Law," upon the door 
 plate, and a glance at the exterior of the building, as- 
 sured him- that the dweller therein was one of the pros- 
 perous class of his profession. Knocking at the office 
 door in the basement, he was bid enter, and on doing so 
 found seated at a desk, surrounded with piles of legal 
 lore, the same old gentleman who had so kindly bid 
 him farewell at Wheeling. The recognition was mutual, 
 and the old man's manner truly cordial. 
 
 " So, you found me out," said the attorney. 
 
 "Yes," replied John, "but a precious long tramp 
 I've had to reach you." 
 
 His friend insisted upon his seating himself, and re- 
 lating an outline of his adventures, at which he laughed 
 most heartily, and when John had finished, he clapped 
 him on the back, saying 
 
 " You are a lucky dog in your first journey you 
 have gathered more lessons of wisdom, than many 
 meet with in a life time, and your mind may turn them 
 into vast profit." 
 
 "Well, I'd like to realise something out of them," 
 quietly remarked our hero, " for I have expended all 
 my capital in learning them." 
 
 " And so, you have found other friends besides my- 
 self in Cleveland," remarked the lawyer, " a worthy 
 couple whom I happen to be acquainted with, also ; 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 53 
 
 between us, I think we will persuade you to become a 
 fixture of society. I know not why, but I like you, and 
 have often wished for the present meeting. Having no 
 son of my own to assist me in my old days, and con- 
 tinue my business after me, I have felt a desire to find 
 one who would fill the vacancy ; your intelligence and 
 happy disposition, on our trip, made me like you, and 
 now I would fain ripen those feelings into a strong bond 
 of friendship. Gome, you must dine with me, and then 
 we will talk of the future." 
 
 John's heart was swelling with friendship already, 
 and he could almost have hugged the kind old lawyer, 
 but as this was his first day at his adopted parents, he 
 was forced to excuse himself for the present, on promise 
 of returning on the morrow, and with kindling aspira- 
 tions and noble resolves, he returned to his parents. 
 There he recounted the lawyer's words, and made 
 known his intention of studying law with him, which 
 met with general approval, and the little household put 
 on quite an air of importance about its acquisition, while 
 its mistress hurried about, chatting with her new found 
 child with all the garrulousness of kindly old age. 
 
 On the next day, John, according to appointment, 
 placed his legs under the mahogany of his friend, the 
 lawyer, and while the meal progressed he amused the 
 company by relating some episodes of his travel and 
 observation, but every now and then, a strange quietness 
 might be observed to pass over his demeanor, and his 
 eyes would wander furtively to the other end of the 
 table, where was seated the fair daughter of his host, 
 whose dark eyes met his stolen glances, and sent the 
 blood tingling to his brows. Look another way, John, 
 there's danger in those dark eyes ! What, you, who 
 
 K2 
 
54 THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 
 
 have looked unmoved at scores of bright eyes, to trem- 
 ble now at a single pair out upon you look straight 
 into those dark orbs, and dare their power now ! 
 pshaw, man, you shake and stammer as if a battery of 
 loaded cannon, with the lighted fusees behind them, 
 were pointed at you. Ah, I see, your merriment is at 
 an end now busy thoughts, strange dreams, and bright 
 hopes are coursing through your bewildered brain. And 
 so they were that visit had planted new feelings in his 
 breast. He entered the old lawyer's mansion, as he 
 thought, the possessor of all he wished on earth a home, 
 and an opportunity to rise yet here was aroused a feel- 
 ing which absorbed all the rest he never felt himself 
 poor before. Before, he was the possessor of a light heart, 
 but now that heart had been spirited away by a felonious 
 pair of eyes, and his mind was racked with dread, for fear 
 he might not be able to compromise with the possessor, 
 and be permitted to keep it company here was a 
 "take" in the book of human nature, which was most 
 " fair copy," and fain would our hero take unto himself 
 the page. Fear not, John, all in good time the fair 
 daughter of your old friend is troubled, too a merry 
 printer has, by his gentle manners, and most winning 
 address, made a deep impression there, and is sadly 
 troubling the little heart of its fair possessor. She thinks, 
 she would like to forget him, but in trying to do so she 
 must think of what she would forget, and thus he ever 
 comes uppermost in her mind, and his pleasing coun- 
 tenance and coaxing eye gains a firmer footing in her 
 affections. 
 
 Arrangements were made before the lawyer and our 
 hero parted, that he should forthwith commence the 
 study of law, and accordingly he set himself down upon 
 
THE WESTERN WANDERINGS OF A TYPO. 55 
 
 uv+* Coke and Littleton, with the determination of be- 
 coming a pillar of the state. A most dangerous neigh- 
 borhood he chose to study in dangerous f<fr the hasty 
 progress of his studies in legal lore, for long before he 
 was fitted for a single degree, as a student at the bar, 
 he had "become a professor of love ; and how soon he 
 learned to look deep into those eyes, and read the mind 
 within, twine himself around the tendrils of the fair girl's 
 heart, and plead in choicest language for permission to 
 nestle there ; and how the eyes softly permitted the bold 
 student to look, and then loved to have him look, and, 
 then consented that he might gaze at will aye, for life! 
 On a clear wintry night, while the wind of the lake 
 whistled merrily across its congealed bosom, and the 
 stars were looking down with clear faces into the bright 
 icy mirror beneath the sound of sweet music, and the 
 tread of light feet resounded in the mansion of the old 
 lawyer, by the broad lake side, a " merrie companie" 
 filled its halls, for John Earl, the no longer " wandering 
 typo," was about to become his son-in-law or, son-in- 
 love, as well as law or both and the bright eyes of 
 one of Ohio's fairest daughters looked all confidingness 
 and love, as she stood up before the assembled throng, 
 and whispered herself into his possession. There was 
 gay doings that night in this western mansion, and joy 
 that age was a large partaker of; for the old pair, who 
 sheltered the printer's orphan, years agone, and miles 
 away, were guests within it, and their hearts swelled 
 with pride, as they looked upon their adopted cl^ild, 
 and his fair bride. The old shoemaker quietly remarked 
 to his happy son, that no maid in the city stepped upon 
 a more fairy foot; or wore so small a shoe ; but he hoped 
 to live long enough, to make a smaller size for the Earl 
 
56 " NOT A DROP MORE, MAJOR, 
 
 family, and then he laughed as if the job would be a right 
 merry one, and the purchaser of such a shoe, a favored 
 customer. * 
 
 Time has progressed since then, and we have listened 
 to John Earl, Esq., in the capital of his adopted state, 
 as in clear tones, and patriotic fervor, he stood advocat- 
 ing the great truths of republican principles, and we have 
 listened with pride and admiration, when those words 
 proved that the child of the people, was the people's 
 advocate. He did not, in his hour of prosperity, forget 
 the lonely widow of the prairie, but had her and her 
 little ones brought to Cleveland, and having by letters 
 found her friends, he sent her home rejoicing the little 
 one to whom he last bid adieu in the wilderness still 
 remembered him, and with her little lips pouting for a 
 kiss, was the last again to bid him farewell. 
 
 We have traced our hero to the end of his wander- 
 ings, and leave him upon the stage of public action on 
 the road to eminence ; and though many may read as 
 though these words and scenes were the coinage of the 
 writer's brain, yet let him assure those who so judge, 
 that there be such streaks of life," in the book of a 
 Typo's biography. 
 
 "NOT A DROP MORE, MAJOR, UNLESS IT'S 
 SWEETEN'D." 
 
 IN a small village, in the southern section of Missouri, 
 resides a certain Major, who keeps a small, cosey, com- 
 fortable little inn, famous for its sweetened drinks, as 
 well as jovial landlord ; and few of the surrounding 
 
UNLESS IT'S SWEETEN'D. 57 
 
 farmers visit the neighborhood, without giving the 
 Major a friendly call, to taste his mixtur*. The gay 
 host, with jolly phiz, round person, bright eye, and 
 military air, deals out the rations, spiced with jokes, 
 which, if they are not funny, are at least laughed at, 
 for the Major enjoys them so vastly himself, that his 
 auditors are forced to laugh, out of pure sympathy. 
 
 A good old couple, who resided about six miles from 
 the Major's, for a long period had been in the habit of 
 visiting him once a month, and as regularly went home 
 dreadfully sweetened with the favorite mixtur'-, but of 
 late, we learn, the amicable relations existing between 
 the Major and his old visitors have been broken off by 
 green-eyed jealousy. On the last visit, good cause was 
 given for an end being put to any more "sweet drinking." 
 
 " Uncle Merril, how are you, any how," was the 
 Major's greeting, "and I declare if the Missus aint with 
 you, too" just as if he expected she wouldn't come. 
 " What '11 you take Missus ? shall I sweeten you a little 
 of about the best Cincinnati rectified that ever was toted 
 into these 'ere parts? it jest looks as bright as your 
 eyes!" and here the Major winked and looked so sweet 
 there was no resisting, and she did take a little sweeten'd. 
 
 The hours flew merril-ly by, and evening found the 
 old couple so overloaded with sweets, that it was with 
 great difficulty they could be seated on the old grey 
 mare, to return home ; but, after many a kind shake 
 from the host, and just another drop of his sweeten'd, 
 off they jogged, see-sawing from side to side on the 
 critter, the old lady muttering her happiness, and the 
 old man too full to find words to express himself. 
 
 " Sich another man as that Major," says she, " ain't 
 nowhere and sich a mixtur' as he does -make, is 
 8 
 
58 " NOT A DROP MORE, MAJOR," ETC. 
 
 temptin' to temperance lecturers. He is an amazin* 
 nice man, and, if any thing, he sweetens the last drop 
 better than the first. Good gracious ! what a pleasin' 
 creatur' he is !" 
 
 Ever and anon these enconiums on the Major and 
 his mixture broke from the old lady, until of a sud- 
 den, on passing a small rivulet, a jolt of the mare's 
 silenced them, and the old man rode on a short distance 
 in perfect quietness. At length he broke out with 
 
 "Old woman, you and that 'ere Major's conduct, 
 to-day, war rayther unbecomin' his formalities war 
 too sweet to be mistook, and you ain't goin' thar agin 
 in a hurry." 
 
 Silence, was the only answer. 
 
 "Oh, you're huffy, are you ?" continued the old man. 
 "Well, I guess you can stay so, till you give in," 
 and on he jogged, in a silently jealous mood. On ar- 
 riving at the farm, he called to a negro to lift the old 
 woman off, but Sam, the nigger, stood gazing at him 
 in silent astonishment. 
 
 "Lift her off', you Sam, do you hear? and do it 
 carefully, or some of her wrath'll bile out. In -spite of 
 the Major's sweetenin' she's mad as thunder." 
 
 " Why, de lor', massa, de ole 'oman aint dar," re- 
 plied Sam, his eyes standing out of his countenance. 
 "Jest turn round, massa, and satisfy you'self dat de 
 ole 'oman clar gone an missin de lor* /" 
 
 And sure enough, on a minute examination by the 
 old man, she was " found missing." The Major was 
 charged at once with abduction, instant measures were 
 taken for pursuit, and a party despatched to scour the 
 roads. On proceeding about two miles on the road to 
 the Major's, the party were suddenly halted at the small 
 
, NETTLE BOTTOM BALL. 59 
 
 rivulet, by finding the Missus with her head lying partly 
 in the little stream, its waters laving her lips, and softly 
 murmuring >Not a drop more, Major, unless it's 
 sweetened /" 
 
 NETTLE BOTTOM BALL; 
 
 OR, BETSY JONES 5 TUMBLE IN THE MUSH PAN. 
 
 " WELL, it are a fact, boys," said Jim Sikes, " that I 
 promised to tell you how I cum to git out in these 
 Platte diggins, and I speculate you mout as well have it 
 at onst, kase its bin troublin' my conscience amazin' to 
 keep it kiver'd up. The afarr raised Jessy in Nettle 
 Bottom, and old Tom Jones' yell, when he swar he'd 
 < chaw me up,' gives my meat a slight sprinklin' of ager 
 whenever I think on it. 
 
 " You see, thar wur a small town called Equality, in 
 Illinise, that some speckelators started near Nettle Bot- 
 tom, cos thar wur a spontaneos salt lick in the diggins, 
 and no sooner did they git it agoin' and build some stores 
 and groceries thar, than they wagon' d from Cincinnati 
 and other up-stream villages, a pacel of fellers to attend 
 the shops, that looked as nice, all'ays, as if they wur 
 goin' to meetin' or on a courtin' frolic; and c salt their 
 picters.,' they wur etarnally pokin' up their noses at us 
 boys of the Bottom. Well, they got up a ball in the 
 village, jest to interduce themselves to the gals round 
 the neighborhood, and invited a few on us to make a 
 contrary picter to themselves, and so shine us out of 
 site by comparison. Arter that ball thur wan't any 
 thin' talked on among the gals but what nice fellers the 
 
60 NETTLE BOrTOM BALA- 
 
 clerks in Equality wur, and how nice and slick they 
 wore their har, and their shiny boots, and the way they 
 stirrupp'd down their trowsers. You couldn't go to 
 see one on 'em, that she wouldn't stick one of these 
 fellers at you, and keep a talkin' how slick they looked. 
 It got to be parfect pizen to hear of, or see the critters, 
 and the boys got together at last to see what was to be 
 done the thing had grown parfectly alarmin'. At last 
 a meetin' was agreed on, down to old Jake Bents'. 
 
 " On next Sunday night, instead of takin' the gals to 
 meetin', whar they could see these fellers, we left 'em 
 at home, and met at Jake's, and I am of the opinion 
 thur was some congregated wrath thar whew wan't 
 they ? 
 
 " < Oil and scissors!' says Mike Jelt, < let's go down 
 and lick the town, rite strait /' 
 
 <No!' hollered Dick Butts, 'let's kitch these slick 
 badgers comin' out of meetin', and tare the hide and 
 feathers off on 'em!' 
 
 " < Why, darn 'em, what d've think, boys,' busted 
 in old Jake, < I swar if they ain't larnt our gals to wear 
 starn cusMns ; only this mornin' I caught my darter 
 Sally puttin' one on and tyin' it round her. She tho't 
 I was asleep, but Iseed her, and I made the jade re- 
 pudiate it, and no mistake quicker /' 
 
 cc The boys took a drink on the occasion, and 
 Equality town was slumberin', for a short spell, over a 
 con-tiguous yearthquake. At last one of the boys pro- 
 posed, before we attacked the town, that we should git 
 up a ball in the Bottom, and jest out-shine the town 
 chaps, all to death, afore we swallowed 'em. It was 
 hard to gin in to this proposition, but the boys cum to 
 it at last, and every feller started to put the afarr agoin'. 
 
NETTLE BOTTOM BALL. 61 
 
 I had been a long spell hankerin' arter old Tom 
 Jones' darter, on the branch below the Bottom, and she 
 was a critter good for weak eyes maybe she hadn't a 
 pair of her own well, if they warn't a brace of movin' 
 light-houses, I wouldn't say it there was no calculatin' 
 the extent or handsomeness of the family that gal could 
 bring up around her, with a feller like me to look arter 
 'em. Talk about gracefulness, did you ever see a 
 maple saplin' movin' with a south wind? It warn't a 
 crooked stick to compar' to her, but her old dad w r as 
 awful. He could jest lick anythin' that said 600, in 
 them diggins, out swar Satan, and was cross as a she 
 6ar, with cubs. He had a little hankerin' in favor of 
 the fellers in town, too, fur they gin him presents of 
 powder to hunt with, and he was precious fond of usin' 
 his shootin' iron. I detarmin'd, anyhow, to ask his dar- 
 ter Betsy to be my partner at the Nettle Bottom Ball. 
 
 " Well, my sister Marth made me a bran new pair 
 of buckskin trowsers to go in, and rile my pictur, ef she 
 didn't put stirrups to 'em to keep 'em down. She said 
 straps wur the fashion, and I should ware 'em. I jest 
 felt with*'em on, as ef I had somethin' pressin' on me 
 down all my joints wur sot tight together, but Marth 
 insisted, and I knew I could soon dance 'em off, so I 
 gin in, and started off to the branch for Betsy Jones. 
 
 " When I arriv, the old fellar wur sittin' smokin' arter 
 his supper, and the younger Jones' wur sittin' round 
 the table, takin' theirs. A whappin' big pan of mush 
 stood rite in the centre, and a large pan of milk beside 
 it, with lots of corn bread and butter, and Betsy was 
 helpin' the youngsters, while old Mrs. Jones sot by, 
 admirin' the family collection. Old Tom took a hard 
 star' at me, and I kind a shook, but the straps stood it, 
 
 F 
 
62 NETTLE BOTTOM BALL. 
 
 and I recovered myself, and gin him as good as he sent, 
 but I wur near the door, and ready to break if he show'd 
 fight. 
 
 " < What the h 11 are you doin' in disgisej says the 
 old man he swore dreadfully < are you comin' down 
 here to steal?' 
 
 " I riled up at that. Says I, < ef I wur comin' fur sich 
 purpose, you'd be the last I'd hunt up to steal off on.' 
 
 " < You're right,' says he, < I'd make a hole to light 
 your innards, ef you did.' And the old savage chuckled. 
 J meant because he had nothin' worth stealin', but his 
 darter, but he tho't 'twas cos I was afear'd on him. 
 
 " Well, purty soon I gether'd up and told him what 
 I cum down fur, and invited him to come up and take 
 a drink, and see that all went on rite. Betsy was in an 
 awful' way fur fear he wouldn't consent. The old 
 'oman here spoke in favour of the move, and old Tom 
 thought of the licker, and gin in to the measure. Off 
 bounced Betsy up a ladder into the second story, and 
 one of the small gals with her, to help put on the fix- 
 ups. I sot down in a cheer, and fell a talkin' at the old 
 'oman. While we wur chattin' away as nice as rela- 
 tions, I could hear Betsy makin' things stand round 
 above. The floor was only loose boards kivercd over 
 wide joice, and every step made 'em shake and rattle 
 like a small hurricane. Old Tom smoked away and 
 the young ones at the table would hold a spoonful of 
 mush to thur mouths and look at my straps, and then 
 look at each other and snigger, till at last the old man 
 seed 'eru. 
 
 " < Well, by gun flints,' says he, < ef you ain't makin' 
 a josey ' 
 
 " Jest at that moment, sometmV gin way above, and 
 
NETTLE BOTTOM BALL. 63 
 
 may I die, ef Betsy, without any thin' on yearth on her 
 but one of these starn cushins, didn't drop rite through 
 the floor, and sot herself, fiat into the pan of mush ! 
 I jest tho't fur a second, that heaven and yearth had 
 kissed each other, and squeezed me between 'em. 
 Betsy squealed like a 'scape pipe, a spot of the mush 
 had spattered on the old man's face, and burnt him, 
 and he swore dreadful. I snatched up the pan of milk, 
 and dashed it over Betsy to cool her off, the old 'oman 
 knocked me sprawlin' fur doing it, and away went my 
 straps. The young ones let out a scream, as if the 
 infarnal pit had broke loose, and I'd jest gin half of my 
 hide to have bin out of the old man's reach. He did 
 reach fur me, but I lent him one with my half-lows, on 
 the smeller, that spread him, and maybe I didn't leave 
 sudden! I didn't see the branch, but as I soused 
 through it, I heerd Tom Jones swar he'd < chaw me up, 
 ef an inch big of me was found in them diggins in the 
 mornin'. 
 
 " I did'nt know fur a spell whar I was runnin', but 
 hearing nuthin' behind me, I slacked up, and jest con- 
 sidered whether it was best to go home and git my 
 traps strait, and leave, or go see the ball. Bein' as I 
 was a manager, I tho't I'd go have a peep through the 
 winder, to see ef it cum up to my -expectations. While 
 I was lookin' at the boys goin' it, one on 'em spied me, 
 and they hauled me in, stood me afore the fire, to dry, 
 and all hands got round, insistin' on knowin' what was 
 the matter. I ups and tells all about it. I never heerd 
 such laffin', hollerin', and screamin', in all my days. 
 
 " Jest then, my trowsers gin to feel the Tire, and 
 shrink up about an inch a minit, and the boys and gals 
 kept it up so strong, laffin at my scrape, and the pickle 
 
64 
 
 I wur in, that I gin to git riley, when all at onst I seed 
 one of these slick critters, from town, rite in among' em, 
 hollerin' wuss than the loudest. 
 
 " <Old Jones said he'd chaw you up, did he?' says 
 the town feller, < well, he aWays keeps his word.' 
 
 " That minit I biled over. I grabbed his slick har, 
 and may be I didn't gin him scissors ! Jest as I was 
 makin' him a chawed specimen, some feller holler'd out, 
 < don't let old Jones in with that ar rifle, /' I didn't 
 hear any more in that Bottom, lightnin' could'nt a got 
 near enough to singe my coat tail. I jumped through 
 that winder as easy as a bar 'ud go through a cane 
 brake ; and cuss me if I could'nt hear the grit of old 
 Jones' teeth, and smell his glazed powder, until I crossed 
 old Massissippi." 
 
 A "CAT" STOEY, 
 
 WHICH MUST NOT BE C UR-T AI LED. 
 
 BEN SNAGGLETREE seated himself in our society the 
 other day, overburdened with a Mississippi yarn, which 
 embraced one of his hair breadth 'scapes, and which he 
 had resolved on relieving his memory of, by having it 
 chronicled. 
 
 Ben was an old Mississip' roarer none of your half 
 and half, but just as native to the element, as if he had 
 been born in a broad horn. He said he had been 
 fotched up on the river's brink, and " knew a snappin' 
 turtle from a snag, without larnin'." 
 
 " One night," says Ben, " about as dark as the face 
 of Cain, and as unruly as if the elements had been untied, 
 and let loose from their great Captain's command, I 
 
65 
 
 was on the old Mississippi ; it was, in short, a night ugly 
 enough to make an}' natural born Christian think of his 
 prayers, and a few converted saints tremble I walked 
 out upon the steam boat < guard' to cool off from the 
 effects of considerable liquor doin's, participated in 
 during the day, but had scacely reached the side of the 
 boat, when she struck a snag, and made a lurch, throw- 
 ing me about six feet into the drink. I was sufficiently 
 cool, stranger, when I came to the surface, but I had 
 nigh, in a short time, set the Mississippi a bilin', my 
 carcase grew so hot with wrath at observing the old boat 
 wending her way up stream, unhurt, while I, solitary, 
 unobserved, and alone, was floating on the old father of 
 waters. I swam to the head of a small island, some 
 distance below where we struck, and no sooner touched 
 ground than I made an effort to stand erect. You may 
 judge of my horror on discovering my landing place 
 to be a Mississippi mud-bar, and about as firm as quick- 
 sand, into which I sunk about three feet in a moment. 
 
 " All was dark as a stack of black cats no object 
 visible save the lights of the receding boat no sound 
 smote upon the ear but the lessening blow of the 'scape 
 pipe, and the plashing of the surrounding waters ; the 
 first sounded like the farewell voice of hope, while the 
 latter, in its plashing and purling, was like to the jab- 
 bering of evil spirits, exulting over an entrapped victim. 
 
 " I attempted to struggle, but that sunk me faster. 
 I cried out, but fancied that, too, forced me deeper into 
 my yielding grave ; ere daylight dawned I felt sure of 
 being out of sight, and the horrid thought of thus sink- 
 ing into eternity through a mud-gate, made every hair 
 stand < on its own hook,' and forced my heart to patter 
 against my ribs like a trip-hammer. I had been in many 
 9 r2 
 
66 A "CAT" STORY. 
 
 a scrape, but I considered this the nastiest, and made 
 up my mind that the ball of yarn allotted to me was 
 about being spun out my cake was all mud ! I pro- 
 mised old Mississippi, if permitted to escape this time, 
 I would lick anythin' human that said a word agin her ; 
 but it was no use she was sure of me now, and, like 
 old < bare bones' to an expiring African, she held on, 
 and deeper, and deeper I sunk. In a short 'time I was 
 forced to elevate my chin to keep out of my mouth an 
 over-supply of the temperance liquid, which was flowing 
 so coaxingly about my lips. My eyebrows were starting, 
 my teeth set, and hope had wasted to a misty shadow, 
 when something touched me like a floating solid ; I in- 
 stantly grasped it it slid through my hands all but 
 the tail which I clung to with a grip of iron. 
 
 "I soon discovered I had made captive a mammoth 
 catty, huge enough to be the patriarch of his tribe, and 
 a set of resolutions were quickly adopted in my mind, 
 that he couldn't travel further without company. A 
 desperate start and vigorous wiggle to escape was made 
 by my friend, the catty , but there was six feet in length 
 of desperation attached to his extremity, that could 
 neither be coaxed or shook off. Soon succeeded an- 
 other start, and out I came like a cork from a bottle. 
 Oflf started the fish, like a comet, and after him I went, 
 a muddy spark at the end of his tail. By a dexterous 
 twist of his rudder, I succeeded in keeping him on the 
 surface, and steered him to a solid landing, where I let 
 him loose, and we shook ourselves, mutually pleased at 
 parting company." 
 
 "That will do, Ben," said we, "all but the te7." 
 "Tail and all, or none !" said Ben, so here you 
 have it. Ben swears he'll father it himself." 
 
A SPIRITUAL SISTEK. 
 
 HER ENCOUNTER WITH A DOUBTFUL SMITH. 
 
 THERE goes Smith, the Attorney," said a man to 
 his friend; as a tall figure, slightly stooped, hurried by 
 them. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," answered the friend, " that is 
 the Rev. Mr. Smith, a preacher, I have heard him in 
 Tennessee." 
 
 " Well that's curious," replied the first, " for I'd 
 swear I have heard him plead at the bar." 
 
 " Good morning Sol., how are you?" salutes another, 
 as he hurries by a group of citizens. 
 
 " What did you call him ?" inquired one of the party. 
 
 "Why, Sol. Smith, was the answer old Sol., the 
 manager of the theatre, to-be-sure ; who did you sup- 
 pose it was ? I thought you knew him every body 
 knows old *Sb//" 
 
 " Well that is funny," answered the second, "for Fll 
 swear he officiated as a physician on board our boat." 
 
 "Well who the d lishe?" 
 
 This question was asked so frequently on board of a 
 boat, recently, that those who didn't know became 
 quite feverish, and those who did, kept dark to watch 
 for a joke. Sol. had purchased a new hat venerably 
 broad in brim, of saintly and unostentatious height in 
 crown, and it 'was easy to see that this new beaver was 
 brewing him trouble. We feel almost inclined here to 
 go into a disquisition upon hats, and the evils they 
 have entailed, for who has not suffered, and been 
 
 67 
 
68 A SPIRITUAL SISTER. 
 
 thrust out of the pale of good living, or cut in the 
 street or taken for a loafer, and asked by some dandy 
 to hold his horse, or by some matron to carry home 
 her market basket, and all because of a " shocking bad 
 hat." An " old hat" is, in fact, dangerous so is a new 
 one of a peculiar shape so was Sol.'s broad brimmer. 
 
 On board the steamer was a Mormon sister, on her 
 way from down east to the holy city of Nauvoo, and 
 many and anxious were her inquiries if any brother of 
 the church was on board ? None were able to inform 
 her. At length the captain, at table, inquired : 
 
 " Shall I help you to a little of this roast beef, Mr. 
 Smith?" 
 
 " Thank you, a small piece," was the reply. 
 
 " Smith," said the sister, " Smith, that's a member, 
 jest as shure as shutin' ; I'll get interduced tu him arter 
 a spell, and I reckon he'll turn eout tu be a shure 
 enough brother." 
 
 "Arter a spell" she did, through the kindness of the 
 captain, get an introduction to him, and was previously 
 informed by the commander, that Sol. was not only a 
 shure enough Mormon, but an elder in fact a Smith ! 
 Sol., as usual, was courteous and affable as when intro- 
 duced to little Vic., at the court of St. James, and the 
 sister was " tickled all tu death" at the idea of falling 
 in with so pleasant an elder. She was a little ancient, 
 but buxom, and Sol. felt flattered by her singling him 
 out for an acquaintance. 
 
 " I'd a know'd in a minit that you was a member of 
 the church by your countenance and your hat, Brother 
 Smith, you do look so saintly." 
 
 "Yes, Ma'm," answered he, "most people take me 
 for a member." 
 
' I was a thinkin' if you hadn't chosen a he-he-he a sister, why" 
 
A SPIRITUAL SISTER. 69 
 
 There's ony one thing, Brother Smith, which appears 
 rayther queer about our church," said she, looking mo- 
 destly at Sol., and biting the corner of her handkerchief, 
 "and that's the < new system' they have interduced." 
 
 "Why, yes, y-e-s," said Sol., at fault, " < new 
 systems' do trouble the church a good deal." 
 
 " Law, Brother Smith, do you think the < speritiial 
 system' a trouble ?" 
 
 " Well, no, not exactly, if it's a good spiritual 
 teaching," answered he, " it's only the false doctrines 
 that are evil." 
 
 " Well, that's jest what Elder Adams sed down in 
 eour parts, and he ses that it was speritually revealed tu 
 the Prophet Joseph, your brother, and I was jest a 
 thinkin'," and here she spread her handkerchief over 
 her face, and twisted her head to one side, "I was a 
 thinkin' if you hadn't chosen a he-he-he ! a sister, 
 why," 
 
 " We're at a landing, Ma'rn, excuse me for a mo- 
 merit," and off shot Sol. to his state room, where he 
 seized a pair of well worn saddle-bags, and his old hat, 
 which he had thus far carried with him, intending to 
 have it brushed up, and started for the gang-way plank. 
 The captain met him in his haste, and inquired where 
 he was going ? 
 
 " Why, captain," says Sol., " I like your boat vastly, 
 and you know I like you, but there might be a < blow 7 
 up' if I stayed on board much longer." 
 
 "Explain," says the captain. 
 
 " Why, the fact is," said Sol., " that lady you intro- 
 duced me to has taken me for the Mormon Smith ; now, 
 I'm a good many Smith's when my family and titles 
 
70 HOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY. 
 
 are all collected, but I aint that Smith ! Just tell her so 
 for me, and give her my < old hat' it's the best I can 
 do for her." We needn't add that Brother Smith was 
 straightway among the missing! 
 
 BOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY; 
 
 OR, THE CANDIDATE'S NIGHT IN A MUSQUITO SWAMP ! 
 
 "WELL, old fellow, you're a hoss /" is a western ex- 
 pression, which has grown into a truism as regards 
 Judge Allen, and a finer specimen of a western judge, 
 to use his constituents' language, " aint no whar," for, 
 besides being a sound jurist, he is a great w T ag, and 
 the best practical joker within the circuit of six states. 
 Among the wolf- scalp hunters of the western border of 
 Missouri, Judge, or, as they more familiarly style him, 
 Hoss Allen is all powerful popular, and the " bar'' 
 hunters of the southern section equally admire his free 
 and easy manners they consider him one of the people 
 none of your stuck-up imported chaps from the dandy 
 states, but a real genuine westerner in short, a hoss ! 
 Some of the Judge's admirers prevailed upon him, re- 
 cently, to stand a canvass for the gubernatorial chair, in 
 which he had Judge Edwards for an antagonist, and 
 many are the rich jokes told of their political encounters. 
 A marked difference characterizes the tw r o men, and 
 more striking opposites in disposition and demeanor 
 would be hard to find, Edwards being slow, dignified, 
 and methodical, while Hoss tosses dignity to the \vinds, 
 and comes right down to a free and easy familiarity 
 with the "boys." Hoss Allen counted strong on the 
 

 71 
 
 border counties, while his antagonist built his hopes on 
 the centre* 
 
 Allen and Edwards had travelled together for a 
 number of days, explaining their separate views upon 
 state government, at each regular place of appointment, 
 and were now nearing the southern part of the state, 
 a section where Hoss had filled the judgeship with great 
 unction. Here he resolved to spring a joke upon his 
 antagonist, which would set the south laughing at him, 
 and most effectually insure his defeat among the bar 
 hunters. He had been maturing a plan, as they jour- 
 neyed together, and now having stopped for the night 
 about one day's journey from the town of Benton, one 
 of their places of appointment, and the head quarters of 
 the most influential men of the bar section, Hoss pro- 
 ceeded to put his trick in progress of execution. He 
 held a secret conference, at the stable, with the boy 
 who took his horse, and offered him a dollar to take a 
 message that night to Tom Walters, at the forks lead- 
 ing to Benton. The boy agreed, and Hoss penciled a 
 note describing his antagonist, who was unknown in 
 the south of the state, coupled with an earnest request, 
 that he "would keep a look out for Judge Eddards, 
 and by all means be careful not to let him get into that 
 cussed cedar swamp /" His express was faithful, and in 
 due time Tom received the missive. In the meantime, 
 the victim, Edwards, in a sweet state of confidence, 
 was unbending his dignity at hearing Hoss relate to 
 their host his amusing yarns about the early settlers. 
 Having talked all the household into a merry mood, he 
 proposed turning in for the night, but first offered his 
 service to unlace the girls' corsets, and in an under- 
 breath asked the old woman to elope with him in the 
 
72 HOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY. 
 
 morning Edwards blushed at this, the girls tittered, 
 and the host and his wife said, he was a " raal hoss /" 
 Allen acknowledged he was a leetle inclined that way, 
 and as he had had his feed, he now wanted his straw. 
 
 In the morning Hoss Allen became "dreadful poorly," 
 and it was with great difficulty he could be prevailed 
 upon to get up. All were sympathising with his afflic- 
 tion, and the matron of the house boiled him some hot 
 " sass-tea," which, the old man said, relieved him 
 mightily. Judge Edwards assured Hoss, that it would 
 be necessary for him to lay up for a day or two, and 
 the afflicted candidate signified the same, himself. Be- 
 fore they parted Hoss requested Edwards, as he had the 
 whole field to himself, not to be too hard upon him. 
 His antagonist promised to spare him, but chuckled all 
 the while at having a clear field in Allen's most popular 
 district. Shaking the old Hoss by the hand, as they 
 were about to separate, he remarked " we will meet 
 at Benton, I hope, in different trim, Friend Allen." 
 They did meet in different trim,) but Edwards little 
 dreamed the particular kind of trim he would appear in. 
 As soon as Judge Edwards was fairly started, it was sur- 
 prising the rapid change which took place in his antagonist 
 Hoss' eye lit up, a broad grin spread over his features, 
 and pulling off the handkerchief, which was tied around 
 his head, he twirled it above him like a flag, then stuffed 
 it in his pocket, remarking coolly, at the same time, 
 " well, that thar swamp, jest at this season, is awful ! " 
 His express reported himself after his night ride, assured 
 Allen that all was O. K., and received his, dollar for 
 delivering the message, upon receiving which intelli- 
 gence, Allen seated himself quietly and comfortably at 
 his coffee, and imbibed it with a relish that drove the 
 idea of sickness into a hopeless decline. 
 
73 
 
 Judge Edwards rapidly progressed on his way, highly 
 gratified at having his opponent off in this part of the 
 field, and as he, in this happy mood, journeyed onwards 
 he set his brain to work conning a most powerful speech, 
 one that would knock the sand from under Hoss, and 
 leave him in a state of sprawling defeat. He resolved 
 to sweep the south, from that point, like a prairie fire. 
 About noon, or perhaps an hour after, he arrived at 
 Tom Walters' for dinner, and while it was preparing, 
 inquired how far he was from Benton ? 
 
 "I've an idea," said Tom, "you're well onto nine 
 miles frum thar jest an easy arternoon ride." 
 
 This was highly satisfactory to the Judge, and per- 
 ceiving that the provender preparing was of alike pleas- 
 ing character, he spread himself back upon a hickory 
 bottomed chair with a kind of easy dignity, at once 
 comfortable to himself, and edifying to his host. 
 
 "Stranger," inquired Tom, " did you scare up any- 
 thin' like the two candidates, Jedge Eddards and old 
 Hoss Allen, on your way down yeur ?" 
 
 " I did see something of them, my friend," answered 
 the Judge, and then, as if making up his mind to surprise 
 Tom, and give him a striking example of democratic 
 condescension, he inquired, " would you know either 
 of the gentlemen, if they stood before you?" 
 
 "Why, as to old Hoss," said Torn, " I don't know 
 anybody else, but this new Jedge I ain't never seed, 
 and ef he is the slicked up finefied sort on a character 
 they pictur' him, I don't want to see him Its my opi- 
 nion, these squirtish kind a fellars ain't perticular hard 
 baked, and they allers goes in fur aristocracy notions." 
 
 The Judge had no idea that Tom was smoking him, 
 and he congratulated himself that an opportunity here 
 10 G 
 
74 HOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY. 
 
 presented itself, where he could remove a wrong im- 
 pression personally ; so, loftily viewing this southern 
 constituent, be remarked : 
 
 "You have heard a calumny, my friend, for Judge 
 Edwards now sits before you, and you can see whether 
 his appearance denotes such a person as you describe.'' 
 
 "No!" shouted Tom, with mock surprise, "you 
 aint comin' a hoax over a fellar ? you raally are the 
 sure enough Jedge ?" 
 
 " I am really the Judge, my friend," responded his 
 honor, highly elevated with Tom's astonishment. 
 
 " Then gin us your paw," shouted Tom, " you're 
 jest the lookin' fellar kin sweep these yeur diggins like 
 a catamount ! What in the yearth did you do with old 
 Hoss on the road ? I heerd he was a comin' along with 
 you. He aint gin out, has he?" 
 
 The Judge replied, with a smile which expressed 
 disparagement of Hoss Allen's powers of endurance, 
 that he was forced to lie up on the route, from fa- 
 tigue. Dinner being announced as ready the Judge and 
 Tom seated themselves, and the latter highly expanded 
 his guest's prospects in the district, assuring him that he 
 could lick Hoss "powerful easy, ef he wasn't broken 
 winded." The meal being ended, the Judge demanded 
 his horse, and inquired of his host the direct road to 
 Benton, which Tom thus mapped out : 
 
 " Arter you pass the big walnut, about two miles 
 from yeur, keep it a mile on your left, and take the 
 right trail fur about six hundred yards, when you'll 
 cum to the < saplin acre,' thar you keep to the right 
 agin, and when that trail fotches you up, why right 
 over from thar lies Benton." 
 
 This was a Very clear direction to one who had never 
 
75 
 
 before travelled the road, but the Judge, trusting to 
 luck, said, "he thought he would be able to get there 
 without much difficulty," and started off, leaving his 
 late entertainer gazing after him. 
 
 " Well, I allow you will, Jedge," chuckled Tom, 
 " You'll git inter that swamp, jest as sure as shootin', 
 and you'll hev the biggest and hungryest audience of 
 mosquitors, ever a candidate preached law or larnin' 
 to !" To secure his finding the swamp road, he had 
 stationed his boy Jim near the turn off, to make the 
 matter sure. 
 
 In the course of a couple of hours along came Hoss 
 Allen, who, as soon as Tom took hold of his bridle, 
 winked his eye at him while he inquired : 
 
 " Did Jedge Eddards come along, Tom ?" 
 
 " Well, he did, Hoss, oncommon extensive in his 
 political feelins'." 
 
 " And you didn't let the Jedge stray away from the 
 swamp road ?" inquired Hoss. 
 
 " Well, I predicate I didn't, fur by this time he's 
 travellin' into the diggins most amazin' innocently," 
 and then the pair enjoyed a regular guffaw ! 
 
 " He's safe as a skin'd bar, then, Tom, and I'll 
 spread his hide afore the Benton boys to-morrow jest 
 let them into the joke, and I allow, after that, his dan- 
 dified aristocracy speeches won't have much effect in 
 this section. 
 
 "Go it, Jedge," shouted Tom, "ef I ain't thar to 
 hear it, it'll be 'cause the breath'll leave me afore then 
 gin him goss without sweeten' rumple his har, but 
 don't spile the varmint !" 
 
 After Hoss had stayed his stomach with a cold bite, 
 he bade Tom good-day, and started for Benton, highly 
 
76 
 
 tickled with the success of his trick. As he neared the 
 " saplin acre," he met Jim, who exhibited a full spread 
 of his ivories, when Hoss inquired which road he had 
 directed the gentleman before him ? 
 
 " He gone into de swamp road, massa, but what de 
 debil he want dar, 'cept he arter coon skins, dis niggah 
 doesn't hab no idear, whatsomedeber." 
 
 Allen passed on, assured that all was right, and as his 
 horse leisurely ambled forward, he broke into singing 
 a verse of a western ditty,' which says : 
 
 "Thar aint throughout this western nation, 
 
 Another like old Hickory 
 He was born jest fur his siteation 
 
 A bold leader of the free." 
 
 As night spread her curtain over this wild district, 
 Hoss neared Benton, and as his nag jogged up the 
 principal street, he broke out into a louder strain, re- 
 peating the above verse, on hearing which, the " boys," 
 who were expecting him and Edwards, turned out, and 
 old Hoss was received with a cheer. 
 
 " Hello, Jedge ! How are you, Old Hoss ? Give 
 us your paw, Governor! Here at last, Squire !" and 
 sundry such expressions of familiar welcome was show- 
 ered on Allen, by the crowd " Come in, and git a 
 drink, old fellar," shouted one of the crowd, and forth- 
 with all hands pushed for the hotel bar room, where 
 sweetened corn juice was pushed about with vast libe- 
 rality at the candidate's expense, of course. 
 
 " Whar did you leave the new fellar, Jedge Ed- 
 dards?" was the general inquiry. 
 
 " Why, boys, I stopped to rest on the road, and he 
 slid off to git ahead of me I heered on him at the 
 
77 
 
 forks, and expected he was here. It's my opinion, 
 boys, he's seen a bar on the road, and bein' too delicate 
 to make the varmint clar the path, he's taken a long 
 circuit round him !" 
 
 This raised a laugh among the crowd, and it was 
 followed up by general inquiries as to what Edwards 
 looked like, but to these Hoss shook his head, remark- 
 ing, as he raised his hands expressive of how they 
 would be astonished "jest wait tell you see him 
 yourselves, boys, and then you'll be satisfied." 
 
 Let us return to Judge Edwards, who had easily 
 found his way past the " sapling acre," and by the aid of 
 Jim's direction progressed into the swamp road, as easy 
 as if it were his destination. Having travelled, as he 
 thought, about ten miles, he began to look out for 
 Benton, and every now and then uttered an expression 
 of surprise, that they had located the town in such a 
 swampy country every rod he progressed became 
 more and more obscure, the brush more thick and wild 
 in growth, and the ground more moist and yielding. 
 Night, too, that season for the rendezvous of underbrush 
 and tangle-wood horrors, was fast gathering its forces 
 in the depths of the forest, and beneath the shadows of 
 the thick bushes, shrouding, as with a dark mist, each 
 object on the earth's surface, creeping up the trunks of 
 the old trees, and noiselessly stealing away the light in 
 which they had proudly spread their green foliage, while 
 in lieu of their showy garb he clad them in a temporary 
 mourning. The song of the birds became hushed, 
 while the cry of the startled wolfwas borne upon^the 
 breeze to the ear of the affrighted traveller, interrupted 
 occasionally by the sharp m-e-o-w! of the wild-cat, 
 making together a vocal concert most unharmonious to 
 
78 HOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY. 
 
 the ear of the bewildered candidate. To sum up these 
 horrors a myriad of mosquitoes, as musical as hunger 
 and vigorous constitutions could make them, hummed 
 and fi-z-z-zed around him, darting in their stings and 
 darting away from his annoyed blows, with a pertinacity 
 and perseverance only known to the Missouri tribe of 
 insects. 
 
 Poor Edwards! he was fairly in for it into a swamp 
 at that ! Night was fast making all roads alike obscure, 
 and with amazing rapidity covering our traveller in a 
 mantle of uncertainty. The possibility of his escape 
 that night first became improbable, and then impossible. 
 He hallooed at the highest pitch of his voice, but the 
 wolf was the only live varmint that answered his cry, 
 and a strange fear began to creep over his heart. He 
 remembered well reading accounts of where hungry 
 droves of these animals had eaten the horse from under 
 the saddle, the rider upon it, bones, hide, liar and all, 
 leaving scarce a vestige of the victims to mark the deed, 
 and his hair grew uneasy on his cranium at the bare 
 thought of such an unpolitical termination to his can- 
 vass. At this particular moment a yell, as of a thousand 
 devils in his immediate neighbourhood, set his heart 
 knocking against his ribs in a fearful manner. When 
 he partially recovered from the shock he tied his horse 
 to one tree and quickly mounted another whispering 
 the hope to his heart, at the same time, that a meal on 
 his horse would satisfy the gathering crowd of varmints, 
 who were shouting their death song below him. Having 
 seated himself astride a limb, the mosquitoes had a fair 
 chance at him, and they put the Judge through as active 
 an exercise as ever was inflicted on a recruit there 
 was this difference, however, between him and a recruit, 
 
79 
 
 they are generally raw at the commencement of a drill, 
 but poor Edwards was most raw at the end of his lesson. 
 Every new yell of the swamp pre-emptioners, made him 
 climb a limb higher, and each progression upwards ap- 
 peared to introduce him to a fresh and hungrier com- 
 pany of mosquitoes the trees in the swamp were like 
 the dwellings in Paris, their highest tenants were the 
 most needy. Day at length broke, and our harassed 
 candidate, almost exhausted, clambered from his exalted 
 position. His frightened but unscathed steed uttered 
 a neigh of welcome as he bestrode him, and giving 
 loose to the rein he committed his escape to the animal's 
 sagacity, while he aided his efforts by a devout suppli- 
 cation. Accident favored the horse's footsteps, for 
 striking the trail leading to the road he started off into 
 a trot, and soon broke his rider's spell of terror, by 
 turning into the main avenue leading to Benton. 
 Edwards slowly passed his pimpled hand over his 
 worse pimpled face, sadly remarking: 
 
 Last night's < bills' all passed, for I bear their sting- 
 ing signatures all over my countenance." 
 
 When ten o'clock came, on the day following Judge 
 Allen's arrival at Benton, the town swarmed with the 
 southern constituency of Missouri, and as soon as the 
 tavern bell, which had been put in requisition to announce 
 the candidate's readiness, had ceased its clamor, Hoss 
 mounted the balcony of the hotel, and rolling up his 
 sleeves " spread himself" for an unusually brilliant 
 effort. 
 
 "Boys!" shouted he, "I want your attention to 
 matters of vital import of oncommon moment, and 
 replete with a nation's wel/ar." [Here looking down 
 into the crowd at Sam Wilson, who was talking as loud 
 
80 
 
 as he could bellow, about an imported heifer he had 
 just bought, Hoss called his attention :] " Sam," said 
 he, you'd better bring that heifer of your'n up here to 
 address the meetin', and I'll wait till the animal gits 
 through!" This raised a laugh on Sam, and Hoss pro- 
 ceeded. After dilating at some length on the imported 
 candidate who was his antagonist, he "let himself' out," 
 on some of the measures he advocated, and particularly 
 dwelt on the fact that he went in for creating a license 
 law on hunting varmints! 
 
 " Would you have the least mite of an idea, boys," 
 said Hoss, " that this creatur' of a faction wants to have 
 every man's rifle stamped with the state arms, and then 
 made pay a license to the state before he can git a 
 bonus for wolf scalps." [At this moment a shrill voice 
 interrupted him again a girl belonging to the hotel 
 was shouting to a couple of youngsters, who had been 
 despatched to the barn for eggs, to " quit sue/tin* them 
 thar eggs or the candidates would stand a mighty small 
 chance furthur dinner.] " Jest tell that gall," said Hoss, 
 " to suck my share and stop her screamin'." He 
 again continued: "I want to know what in yearth this 
 Massissippi country's comin' too, when sich fellars finds 
 favor with the people what do you think of him boys ?" 
 
 "Why, cuss his pictur !" was the general response 
 from the bar hunters. 
 
 While Hoss was thus arousing public indignation 
 against his antagonist, a stranger entered the crowd, 
 and after listening a moment to the speaker's imaginary 
 flights he interrupted him by shouting : 
 
 "I deny your assertions, Judge Allen!" 
 
 This was a bomb shell, and the crowd cleared a 
 space round the stranger, in expectation of a fight ; but 
 
HOSS ALLEN'S APOLOGY. 81 
 
 Allen after surveying the stranger, in whom he recog- 
 nised his antagonist Edwards, coolly inquired why he 
 disputed it? 
 
 "What, me!" shouted Edwards, "who can better 
 declare your assertions false than the man you are mis- 
 representing you know very well that I am that Judge 
 Edwards!" 
 
 Hoss Allen turned calmly round to the crowd and 
 said : " Boys, you know I never git angry at a man 
 insane or in liquor, and as I don't know this fellar, and 
 never seed him afore in my life, its the best proof that 
 he aint Jedge Eddards, so you'll oblige me by taking 
 him off the ground and keeping him from disturbing the 
 meeting." 
 
 Expostulation was useless without any ceremony he 
 was carried into the hotel, boiling with indignation. 
 There, however, he had to stay, at a convenient dis- 
 tance to hear that Allen was giving him "particular 
 jesse." 
 
 After the meeting adjourned three cheers were given 
 for Hoss Allen, and all parties gathered into the bar to 
 take a little fluld^ and discuss the speech. Edwards 
 having now been relieved from durance, started for 
 Hoss; burning inside with choler and smarting ex- 
 teriorly from mosquito-bites, he looked bitter. 
 
 "Do you say you don't know me, Judge Allen ?" 
 inquired he. 
 
 Hoss looked steadily at him, then coolly taking out 
 his spectacles, he wiped the glasses, adjusted them 
 upon his nose, and surveyed the questioner from head 
 to foot, he then remarked : 
 
 " Thar is somethin' about your voice, and the clothes 
 you ware, that I ought to know Jedge Eddards wore a 
 11 
 
82 Y v HOSS ALLEN'S 
 
 \ *% :. .<- ' v & ": > , _-v v 
 
 coat and kerseys exactly like your'n, but I'll swa'r he 
 had a better lookin' face than you carry when we parted 
 yesterday mornin'. If you are him you're been the wust 
 used candidate I've seed in an age." 
 
 " Yes," responded Edwards, "thanks to that d n 
 nigger that sent me into the swamp. I tell you sir that 
 I have passed a night to which the infernal regions are 
 a scant pattern, and between mosquitoes, wolves, and 
 wild-cats I should not be surprised if my hair had 
 turned grey." 
 
 " I begin to re-cognise you, now, Jedge," said Hoss, 
 in a sympathetic tone, " and no wonder I didn't know 
 you at first sight your head is swelled as big as a 
 pumkin! I'll do the clean thing, Jedge," said Hoss, 
 starting for the balcony, I'll apologise afore the boys, 
 publicly, for not knowin' you." 
 
 " No, no !" shouted Edwards, who knew his apology 
 would only place his night's adventure in a more ridi- 
 culous light, " I don't demand any apology." But he 
 was too late, Hoss had already called the attention of 
 the crowd. 
 
 "Boys," said he, " as an honourable man who finds 
 himself in the wrong, I am bound to apologise, pub- 
 licly, to my friend Jedge Eddards, the Jedge is a 
 leetle changed in appearance since we wur last together, 
 and I did not ?^-cognise him; I, tharfore, ask his par- 
 don fur orderin' him off the ground." 
 
 "I grant it!" shouted Edwards, glad here to wind 
 up the apology, then turning round he added, " come 
 boys, let us drink good friends." 
 
 " Wait a minit, boys," said Hoss, " the Jedge and 
 I havin' smoothed that little marter over, I jest want to 
 tell you why I didn't know him at fust sight. You all 
 
know'fnat tmosqimoes'in ceoar swamp are an ore 
 hungry breed, and when they git a passenger they 
 sent him with numerous < relief bills ;' well I had gained 
 considerable popularity in that swamp, by presentin' 
 their condition before the legislatur' and askin' for reliet 
 for the distressed inhabitants, the Jedge, to head me 
 down thar, passed all last night on a limb of one of the 
 trees makin' stump speeches to the varmints, and you 
 can see by his countenance that expectin' to be elected 
 he has accepted all their mosquito bills!" 
 ' One tremendous shout rent the air, followed by bursts 
 of laughter, from which Edwards retreated into the hotel. 
 We have but to add that Hoss carried the Bar counties 
 " as easy as rolling off a log!" His antagonist in vain 
 tried to stem the tide of fun, when he essayed to speak 
 a m-e-o-w of a wild-cat or the hum of a mosquito imita- 
 ted by some of his audience would be sure to set the 
 rest sniggering, and spoil his effort. 
 
 NATURAL ACTING! 
 
 GRAND RIVER, MICHIGAN. 
 
 SEVERAL years since our friend Dan Marble, the 
 celebrated representative of Yankee characters, was per- 
 forming an engagement at Detroit, and was persuaded 
 by some friends to take a trip to Chicago, and give 
 them a taste of his quality in the lake city. Dan con- 
 sented, and on board of the good steamer Constitution, 
 commanded by a skilful captain, under the care of 
 Doty, one of the best lake engineers, and piloted by 
 
84 NATURAL ACTING. " \ 
 
 V> -\>: V"* > > 
 
 Gus. McKinstry, they set out in the fall of the year for 
 
 their northern destination. All went " merry as a mar- 
 riage bell ;" they had a successful trip up, Dan. had 
 a successful engagement and back they started for 
 Detroit. But now the elements became rebellious ; 
 whether rude Boreas resolved to keep this favorite son 
 of Momus up there in his northern home, we know not, 
 but when the vessel that bore his fortunes his own 
 comical self had nearly reached the head of the lake, 
 against a head wind that would almost tear off a shirt 
 collar, they run out of wood, and w r as forced to scud 
 back to Milwaukee a " leetle dust faster than they 
 wanted tu." They loaded up with the fuel again, and 
 shutting their teeth with determination, they fastened tight 
 the safety valve, and tried it again right in the teeth of 
 the hurricane. After puffing, and blowing, and wheezing, 
 and coughing, the old boat had to give in, and hunt a 
 harbor. Fate drove them into Grand River we say, 
 Fate did it, in order, as we think, to keep up the cha- 
 racter of a grand stream by opening a dramatic temple on 
 its banks, with an exhibition of the budding greatness 
 of a genius. Fate, you know, has the ordering of such 
 things. 
 
 The noble steamer came to anchor in the quiet river, 
 between its to\vering sand banks, and old " blo\v hard" 
 tossed the lake wave on the outside, top-mast high, with 
 glee, at having penned Dan. Down came an inhabitant 
 of the town of Grand River, who had seen Dan. perform 
 at Buffalo, and recognising him, up he posted to spread 
 the news. In the meantime, those on board were won- 
 dering how they should pass the weary hours, if the 
 fierce wind continued its fury. Presently, down comes 
 another resident to the boat, a small cat-skin cap on his 
 
NATURAL ACTING. 85 
 
 head, a Canada-mixed coat on, and dressed in deer-s/dn 
 breeches. 
 
 Whar is he ? which is him 1 consarn his comic 
 pictur, show him out ha-ha-ha !" 
 
 "Who are you lookin' after, Mister?" inquired the 
 pilot. 
 
 " Why Dan corn twist him Dan Marble, to be 
 sure." 
 
 " Well, here I am, old fellar," answered the pilot, 
 " take a look at me !" The pilot weighed about two 
 hundred and twenty-two pounds, and had on an old 
 sou- wester tarpaulin. Back stepped the inhabitant of 
 Grand River, as if to get a good look, and take in all 
 his dimensions at one stare. Gus, the pilot, made a 
 wry face at his cat-skin observer, and out he burst : 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha ! ho-ho-ho ! he-he-he ! cuss me ef 
 you ain't jest as I heerd on you we've got you, have 
 we ? ha-ha-ha ! stop till I go and get the fellars, and 
 by grist mills you'll have to gin us a playin' !" and 
 forthwith off started the cat-skin cap and deer-skin 
 breeches, their owner pausing every hundred yards to 
 ejaculate 
 
 " Ha-ha ! we've got him !" 
 
 In a short time he returned, sure enough, and half 
 the town with him. A number of the business men of 
 the place waited upon Dan, proper, and requested that 
 he would amuse them, and pass away his own time, by 
 relating some of his Yankee stories, singing songs, &c., 
 tendering him, at the same time, the second story of a 
 storehouse for his theatre. Dan consented, and al 1 
 hands on board entering into the spirit of the thing, 
 they soon constructed a temporary stage, with a sail 
 for a back scene and the American flag for a curtain. 
 
 H 
 
 ih 
 
86 NA'IUKAL ACTING. 
 
 Night came, and with its shadows came the inhabitants 
 of the town of Grand River the owner of the cat-skin 
 cap and his party, among the number. 
 
 In order to make his performance varied, Dan made 
 arrangements to produce the skunk scene, from the 
 " Water Witch ;" and drilled Doty, the engineer, Gus, 
 the pilot, the clerk of the boat, and the mate, to perform 
 the English sailors in the scene. It will be remembered 
 by those who have witnessed it, that they catch the 
 Yankee just as he has killed a skunk, and are about to 
 press him as a sailor ; he persuades them to see a spe- 
 cimen of his shooting they stick up the dead animal as 
 a mark, and while he gets their attention upon the object 
 in one direction, he retreats in the other, showing off in 
 his exit a specimen of " tall walking." After consi- 
 derable drilling his assistants were pronounced perfect ; 
 but the pilot swore that, to play an English sailor, he 
 must get disguised, so accordingly he primed with a 
 double quantity of grog. His associates, jealous of his 
 natural acting, say he had to get drunk before he could 
 look at the audience. Up went the curtain, and on went 
 Dan; of course the audience were amused they 
 couldn't help it; but cat-skin looked in vain for his 
 Dan. At length the skunk scene opened, and on came 
 the pilot at the head of his party. The deer-skin 
 breeches could hardly hold their owner; he ha-ha'd 
 and ho-ho'd as if he would go into fits. Gus clapped 
 his eye upon him, and screwed up his face into as many 
 lines as a map, which finished the effect with cat-skin 
 he rolled off his seat, almost convulsed. Now com- 
 menced the scene with Yankee Dan, and when he told 
 Gus to stoop down and watch his shot, it was with 
 considerable difficulty that the pilot balanced himself in 
 
A CANAL ADVENTURE. 87 
 
 any such position. While they were stooping, off* 
 started Dan in their rear, and, to keep up the scene, off 
 they started in pursuit ; Dan, according to plot, hid 
 behind the R. H. wing, front his pursuers should here 
 pass him and cross the stage, allowing him, by a Yankee 
 trick, to escape; but that portion of the plot Gus, the 
 pilot, had forgotten ; -he, therefore, came to a dead halt 
 and looked round for Dan; there he was, and out 
 shouted Gus : " Come out, old fellar - 1 see you !" 
 
 Dan shook his head and signed for them to go on. 
 
 "No you don't," says the pilot; "we caught you 
 fair, and Fm be d d if you shan't treat /" 
 
 The effect was irresistible ; Dan had to give in, and 
 the curtain dropped before a delighted audience a 
 collapsed pair of deer-skin breeches, and upon the first 
 night of the drama in Grand River. The owner of the 
 cat-skin cap and deer-skin breeches maintains, to this 
 day, that the pilot was Dan Marble. 
 
 " Them other fellars," says he, " done pooty well, 
 but any 'coon, with half an eye, could see that that fat 
 fellar did the naturalest acting! 
 
 A CANAL ADVENTURE. 
 
 "Oh hapless our fate was, each one and all, 
 For we were wreck-ecZ on the Erie CanaZ 7 " 
 
 Old Ballad. 
 
 ON an evening in the month of July, 1836, 1 embarked 
 at Lockport, in company with some fourteen passen- 
 gers, on board an Erie Canal packet, destined for Ro- 
 chester. It will be remembered that this was during 
 
88 A CANAL ADVENTURE. 
 
 the great migrating period in the United States, when 
 all nations and pursuits had representatives on our prin- 
 cipal travelling routes. Our party was no sooner aboard 
 than the " bold captain" gave the word, the horses 
 were got " under weigh/' the feathers set, and all hands 
 called to pick out their shelf- a six foot-by-one conve- 
 nience, suspended by cords upon \vhich they stowed 
 away passengers for the night. Babel never heard a 
 greater confusion of tongues than this call set wagging. 
 But above them all was heard the silver tone of a tra- 
 velling exquisite, piping out 
 
 " I-aw am first, cap'en, really, I claim pwior choice, 
 I do, demifl don't." 
 
 Happening to be first on the register, it was accorded, 
 and the captain suggested a locker berth, as the most 
 comfortable. 
 
 "No! no! dem, beg you-a pawden, cap'en," 
 shouted the exquisite, " some gwos, fat individual, 
 might get on the-a upa shelf and bweak dow r n, I should 
 be mangled howibly." 
 
 " Be jabers, I'd like to hev the squazin of him, me- 
 silf," said a burly Irishman. 
 
 " They'd better spill a leettle smellin' stuff on the 
 pesky animal, or he'll spile before mornin'," chimed 
 in a Yankee. 
 
 After sundry remarks, at the exquisite's expense, and 
 considerable confusion, all were duly ticketed for the 
 night, and commenced piling themselves away like 
 pledges in a pawnbroker's shop. Jonathan and the 
 Irishman carelessly spread themselves upon a couple of 
 long cane-bottomed settees, which occupied the centre 
 of the cabin, and, in a very brief space of time, the 
 company hushed into silence, save an occasional short 
 
A CANAL ADVENTURE. 89 
 
 blessing bestowed upon the short berths. When all 
 appeared to have dropped into forgetfulness, the head 
 of a way-passenger was thrust into the cabin entrance, 
 with the inquiry 
 
 " Is there any berths here ?" 
 
 " Sure, this is the gintlemen's cabin," answered the 
 Irishman. 
 
 " Well, I want to know if there's any berths here ?" 
 reiterated the inquirer. 
 
 " Divil a chance for wan here," was the response ; 
 " don't I tell ye this is the gintlemen's cabin ?" 
 
 This conversation partially aroused the sleepers, who 
 inquired of the Emeralder what was the row? 
 
 " Some botherin' docthur," was the sleepily muttered 
 reply. 
 
 All soon again relapsed into quiet ; snore began to 
 answer snore, in " high and boastful blowing " and I 
 turned my back to the lamp for the purpose of making 
 a somnolent effort, individually. After tossing and 
 turning for some time, I found that the plentiful supper 
 taken at Lockport had entered a veto against sleep for 
 me, and every effort failed to accomplish more than a 
 drowsy lethargy, which still left the senses partially 
 awake. A strange bumping noise aided to keep me in 
 this state, and I was labouring to assign a cause for the 
 sound, when a voice distinctly cried out 
 
 " It's no use a pumpin', captin', and I won't I She 
 may sink and be dern'd /" 
 
 The concluding part of this remark started my senses 
 into activity, and, after an effort, I turned round on my 
 foot-wide couch, and took a survey of my " sleeping 
 partners," to observe how the voice had affected them ; 
 but not a muscle moved all were chorussing beauti- 
 12 n2 
 
90 A CANAL ADVENTURE. 
 
 fully the lays of dream-land. The certainty of our 
 " sinking and be dern'd," was soon apparent, for the 
 light of the lamp, suspended from the ceiling of the 
 cabin, soon began to be reflected from the floor the 
 waters were quietly stealing upon the unconscious 
 sleepers. My first impulse was to sound the alarm, but, 
 fortunately, possessing a top shelf," and conscious 
 that we could sink but a few feet, I held my peace until 
 the water should increase its depth, being sure of fun 
 when I gave the signal. 
 
 A pair of boots now commenced a very fair forward- 
 two to a boot-jack which was busily engaged in exe- 
 cuting a chassez before a nodding hat, stockings were 
 wriggling about, as if pleased with the fun, and, in a 
 few minutes more, all was a scene of life among the 
 sleepers' " unconsidered trifles" of wardrobe carelessly 
 cast upon the floor. The water having reached within 
 a few inches of the slumbering pair upon the cane-bot- 
 tomed settees, I sounded the alarm, by shouting 
 " Murder! boat's sinking! hurrah! help!" Off tum- 
 bled the Irishman and Yankee splash dash flounder 
 and exclamation ! 
 
 " Holy Virgin ! what's this ?" inquired Pat. 
 
 " Cre-a-tion and the deluge !" shouted Jonathan 
 
 " Good gwacious !" piped in the dandy. 
 
 Down hopped the tenants of the shelves, like bodies 
 in a family vault at the general rising up again they 
 hopped, light as spirits and twice as natural, the instant 
 their pedal extremities touched the water. 
 
 "Take it coo/, gentlemen," shouted a westerner, 
 from a top berth, " these are the canal extras." 
 
 A lady, at this moment, parted the curtains of their 
 cabin the Emeralder, with true gallantry, seized her 
 
THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 91 
 
 in his arms, with a shout of " Riscue the ladies !" and 
 bore her out on deck. Jonathan, not to be outdone 
 by a foreigner, stood ready for the second, but her 
 weight (only two hundred pounds) put a stumper on 
 his gallantry. Yankee ingenuity, however, overcame 
 the difficulty, by making a bridge of the cane settees, 
 the ladies were safely conducted from their watery 
 quarters. 
 
 It was a funny scene on deck, that night, and little 
 ceremony was observed in making a toilet. None, how- 
 ever, seemed to take the matter seriously but the dandy 
 he had lost all his beautifying essentials, in the confusion, 
 and was almost frightened to death at his hair-breadth 
 'scape. Jonathan was offering him some crumbs of 
 comfort, to induce him to make a purchase for his future 
 safety. 
 
 "I'll tell you what, Mister," says Jonathan, "jest 
 buy one of my everlastin'-no-drownin'-dry-and-water- 
 tight-life-presarvers, and when you git it fixed right , 
 it'll keep you so dry you'll have to sprinkle yourself to 
 stick together. 
 
 THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 
 
 HIS EXCUSE FOR BEING A BACHELOR. 
 
 AT Buffalo Head, Nianga county, state of Missouri, 
 during the canvass of 1844, there was held an extensive 
 political Barbecue, and the several candidates for con- 
 gress, legislature, county offices, &c., were all con- 
 gregated at this southern point for the purpose of making 
 an immense demonstration, Hards, softs, w r higs and 
 
92 THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 
 
 Tylerites were represented, and to hear their several 
 expositions of state and general policy, a vast gathering 
 of the Missouri sovereigns had also assembled. While 
 the impatient candidates were awaiting the signal to 
 mount the " stump," an odd-looking old man made his 
 appearance at the brow of a small hill bounding the 
 place of meeting. 
 
 " Hurrah for old Sugar!" shouted an hundred 
 voices, while on, steadily, progressed the object of the 
 cheer. 
 
 Sugar, as he was familiarly styled, w r as an old man, 
 apparently about fifty years of age, and was clad in a 
 coarse suit of brown linsey-woolsey. His pants were 
 patched at each knee, and around the ankles they had 
 worn off into picturesque points his coat was not of 
 the modern close-fitting cut, but hung in loose and easy 
 folds upon his broad shoulders, while the total absence 
 of buttons upon this garment, exhibited the owner's con- 
 tempt for the storm and the tempest. A coarse shirt, 
 tied at the neck with a piece of twine, completed his 
 body covering. His head was ornamented with an old 
 woollen cap, of divers colors, below which beamed a 
 broad, humorous countenance, flanked by a pair of short, 
 funny little grey whiskers. A few wrinkles marked his 
 brow, but time could not count them as sure chronicles 
 of his progress, for Sugar's hearty, sonorous laugh oft 
 drove them from their hiding place. Across his shoulder 
 was thrown a sack, in each end of which he was bearing 
 to the scene of political action, a keg of bran new whiskey , 
 of his own manufacture, and he strode forward on his 
 moccason covered feet, encumbered as he was, with all 
 the agility of youth. Sugar had long been the standing 
 candidate of Nianga county, for the legislature, and 
 
THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 
 
 93 
 
 founded his claim to the office upon the fact of his 
 being the first " squatter" in that county his having 
 killed the first bar there, ever killed by a white man, 
 and, to place his right beyond cavil, he had ^stilled the 
 first keg of whiskey ! These were strong claims, which 
 urged in his comic rhyming manner would have swept 
 the " diggins," but Sugar, when the canvass opened, 
 always yielded his claim to some liberal purchaser of 
 his fluid, and duly announced himself a candidate for 
 the next term. 
 
 "Here you air, old fellar!" shouted an acquaintance, 
 " allays on hand 'bout 'lection." 
 
 "Well, Nat.," said Sugar, "you've jest told the 
 truth as easy as ef you'd taken sum of my mixtur 
 
 * Whar politicians congregate, 
 I'm allays thar ; at any rate ! J ?? 
 
 " Set him up ! set the old fellar up somewhar, and 
 let us take a univarsal liquor!" was the general shout. 
 
 " Hold on, boys, keep cool and shady," said old 
 Sugar, " whar's the candidates ? none of your splurgin 
 round till I git an appropriation fur the sperits. Send 
 em along and we'll negotiate fur the fluid, arter which I 
 shall gin 'em my instructions, and they may then per- 
 cede to 
 
 *Talk away like all cre-a-tion, 
 
 What they knows about the nation.' " 
 
 The candidates were accordingly summoned up to 
 pay for Sugar's portable grocery, and to please the 
 crowd and gain the good opinion of the owner, they 
 made up a purse and gathered round him. Sugar had 
 placed his two kegs upon a broad stump and seated 
 himself astride of them, with a small tin cup in his hand 
 
94 THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 
 
 and a paper containing brown sugar lying before him 
 each of his kegs was furnished with a spiggot, and as 
 soon as the money for the whole contents w r as paid in, 
 Sugar commenced addressing the crowd as follows : 
 
 " Boys, fellars, and candidates," said he, " I, Sugar, 
 am the furst white man ever seed in these yeur diggins 
 I killed the furst bar ever a white skinned in this 
 county, and I kalkilate I hev hurt the feelings of his 
 relations sum sence, as the bar-sJdn linin' of my cabin 
 will testify ; 'sides that, I'm the furst manufacturer of 
 whiskey in the range of this district, and powerful mixtur' 
 it is, too, as the hull bilin' of fellars in this crowd will 
 declar' ; more'n that, I'm a candidate for the legislatur', 
 and intend to gin up my claim, this term, to the fellar 
 who kin talk the pootyest ; now, finally at the eend, 
 boys, this mixtur' of mine will make a fellar talk as iley 
 as goose-grease, as sharp as lightnin', and as per- 
 suadin' as a young gal at a quiltin', so don't spar it 
 while it lasts, and the candidates kin drink furst, 'cause 
 they've got to do the talkin' !" 
 
 Having finished his charge he filled the tin cup full 
 of whiskey, put in a handful of brown sugar, and with 
 his forefinger stirred up the sweetening, then surveying 
 the canditates he pulled off his cap, remarking, as he 
 did so : 
 
 "Old age, allays, afore beauty! your daddy furst, 
 in course," then holding up the cup he offered a toast, 
 as follows: 
 
 " Here is to the string that binds the states ; may it 
 never be bit apart by political rats /" Then holding up 
 the cup to his head he took a hearty swig, and passed 
 it to the next oldest looking candidate. While they 
 were tasting it, Sugar kept up a fire of lingo at them : 
 
- "and with his forefinger stirred up the sweetening." 
 
lemen 
 
 fluid. You can't help tellin' truth arter you've i 
 enough of my mixtur', jest fur this reason, its ben 'stilled 
 in honesty, rectified in truth, and poured out with wis- 
 dom! Take a leetle drop more," said he to a fastidious 
 candidate, whose stomach turned at thought of the way 
 the "mixtur"' was mixed. "Why, Mister," said 
 Sugar y coaxingly. 
 
 ( Ef you wur a babby, jest new born, 
 'Twould do you good, this juicy corn/ 7 " 
 
 "No more, I thank you," said the candidate, draw- 
 ing back from the profler. 
 
 "Sugar winked his eye at some of his cronies, and 
 muttered " He's got an a-ristocracy stomach, and can't 
 go the native licker" Then dismissing the candidates 
 he shouted, " crowd up, constitooenfo, into a circle, 
 and let's begin fair your daddy furst, allays ; and mind, 
 no changin' places in the circle to git the sugar in the 
 bottom of the cup. I know you're arter it Tom Wil- 
 liams, but none on your yankeein' round to git the 
 sweetnin' it's all syrup, fellars, cause Sugar made and 
 mixed it. The gals at the frolicks allays git me to pre- 
 par' the cordials, 'cause they say I make it mity drink- 
 able. Who next? What you, old Ben Dent ! Well, 
 hold your boss for a minit, and I'll strengthen the tin 
 with a speck more, jest because you can kalkilate the 
 valee of the licker, and do it jestiss!" 
 
 Thus chatted Sugar as he measured out and sweetened 
 up the contents of his kegs, until all who would drink 
 had taken their share, and then the crowd assembled 
 around the speakers. We need not say that the virtues 
 of each political party were duly set forth to the hearers 
 
"V 
 
 96 N^ THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 
 
 ^ as a^matter of course, candidates dwell 
 upon the strong points of their argument, always. One 
 among them, however, more than his compeers, attracted 
 the attention of our friend Sugar, not because he had 
 highly commended the contents of his kegs, but be- 
 cause he painted with truth and feeling the claims of the 
 western pioneers ! Among these he ranked the veteran 
 Col. Johnson and his compatriots, and as he rehearsed 
 their struggles in defence of their firesides, how they 
 had been trained to war by conflict with the ruthless 
 savage, their homes oft desolated, and their children 
 murdered, yet still, ever foremost in the fight, and last 
 to retreat, winning the heritage of these broad valleys 
 for their children, against the opposing arm of the red 
 man, though aided by the civilized power of mighty 
 Britain, and her serried cohorts of trained soldiery! 
 We say as he dwelt upon these themes Sugar's eye 
 would fire up, and then, at some touching passage of 
 distress dwelt upon by the speaker, tears would course 
 down his rude cheek. When the speaker concluded he 
 wiped his eyes with his hard hand, and said to those 
 around him : 
 
 " That arr true as the yearth !- thar's suthin' like talk 
 in that fellar ! he's the right breed, and his old daddy 
 has told him about them times. So did mine relate 'em 
 to me, how the ony sister I ever had, when a babby 
 had her brains dashed out by one of the red skinned 
 devils ! But didn't we pepper them fur it ? Didn't 
 I help the old man, afore he grew T too weak to hold his 
 shootin' iron, to send a few on 'em off to rub out the 
 account? Well, I did! Hey! and shutting his teeth 
 together he yelled through them the exultation of full 
 vengeance. 
 
THE STANDING CANDIDATE. ..^^fc 97 
 
 an^ne; 
 
 The speaking being done, candidates ancf^hearers 
 gathered around old Sugar, to hear his comments upon 
 the speeches, and to many inquiries of how he liked 
 them, the old man answered: 
 
 " They were all pooty good, but that tall fellar they 
 call Tom, from St. Louis ; you, I mean, stranger," 
 pointing at the same time to the candidate, " you jest 
 scart up my feelin's to the right pint you jest made me 
 feel wolfish as when I and old dad war arter the red 
 varmints; and now what'll you take ? I'm goin' to pub- 
 licly decline in your favor." 
 
 Pouring out a tin full of the liquor, and stirring it as 
 before, he stood upright upon the stump, with a foot on 
 each side of his kegs, and drawing off his cap, toasted : 
 
 " The memory of the western pio?ieers !" 
 
 A shout responded to his toast, which echoed far 
 away in the depths of the adjoining forest, and seemed 
 to awaken a response from the spirits of those departed 
 heroes. 
 
 " That's the way to sing it out, boys," responded 
 old Sugar, " sich a yell as that would scar an inimy 
 into ager fits, and make the United States Eagle scr,eam 
 < Hail Columby.' " 
 
 " While you're up, Sugar," said one of the crowd, 
 give us a stump speech, yourself." 
 
 Bravo!" shouted an hundred voices, "a speech 
 from Sugar." 
 
 " Agreed, boys," said the old man, "I'll jest gin 
 you a few words to wind up with, so keep quiet while 
 your daddy's talkin' 
 
 'Sum tell it out jest like a song, 
 I'll gin it to you sweet and strong. 7 r 
 
 13 
 
98 ^^ THE STANDING CANDIDATE, i 
 
 The ony objection ever made to me in this arr county, 
 as a legislator', was made by the wimin, 'cause I war a 
 bachelor , and I never told you afore why I re-mained in 
 the state of number one no fellar stays single ^re-me- 
 ditated, and, in course, a hansum fellar like me, who 
 all the gals declar' to be as enticin' as a jay bird, 
 warn't goin' to stay alone, ef he could help it. I did 
 see a creator' once, named Sofy Mason, up the Cum- 
 berland, nigh onto Nashville, Tennesee, that I tuk an 
 orful hankerin' arter, and I sot in to lookin' anxious fur 
 martrimony, and gin to go reglar to meetin', and tuk to 
 dressin' tremengeous finified, jest to see ef I could win 
 her good opinion. She did git to lookin' at me, and 
 one day, cumin' from meetin', she was takin' a look at 
 me a kind of shy, jest as a hoss does at suthin' he's 
 scart at, when arter champin' at a distance fur awhile, 1 
 sidled up to her and blarted out a few words about the 
 sarmin' she said yes, but cuss me ef I know w r hether 
 that wur the right answer or not, and I'm a thinkin' she 
 didn't know then, nuther! Well, we larfed and talked 
 a leetle all the way along to her daddy's, and thar I gin 
 her the best bend I had in me, and raised my bran new 
 hat as peert and perlite as a minister, lookin' all the 
 time so enticin' that I sot the gal tremblin'. Her old 
 daddy had a powerful numerous lot of healthy niggers, 
 and lived right adjinin' my place, while on tother side 
 lived Jake Simons a sneakin', cute varmint, who war 
 wusser than a miser fur stinginess, and no sooner did 
 this cussed sarpint see me sidlin' up to Sofy, than he 
 went to slickin' up, too, and sot himself to work to cut 
 me out. That arr wur a struggle ekill to the battle of 
 Orleans. Furst sum new fixup of Jake's would take 
 her eye, and then I'd sport suthin' that would outshine 
 
THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 99 
 
 ' '*. 
 
 him, until Jake at last gin in tryin' to outdress vl nTe, and 
 sot to think-in' of suthin' else. Our farms wur jest the 
 same number of acres, and we both owned three nig- 
 gers apiece. Jake knew that Sofy and her dad kept a 
 sharp eye out fur the main chance, so he thort he'd clar 
 me out by buyin' another nigger; but I jest follor'd 
 suit, and bought one the day arter he got his, so he had 
 no advantage thar ; he then got a cow, and so did I, 
 and jest about then both on our pusses gin out. This 
 put Jake to his wits' eend, and I war a w r underin' what 
 in the yearth he would try next. We stood so, hip and 
 thigh, fur about two weeks, both on us talkin' sweet to 
 Sofy, whenever we could git her alone. I thort I seed 
 that Jake, the sneakin' cuss, wur gittin' a mite ahead of 
 me, 'cause his tongue wur so iley; howsever, I didn't 
 let on, but kep a top eye on him. One Sunday mornin' 
 I wur a leetle mite late to meetin', and when I got thar 
 the furst thing I seed war Jake Simons, sittin' close bang 
 up agin Sofy, in the same pew with her daddy! I biled 
 a spell with wrath, and then tamed sour; I could taste 
 myself! Thar they wur, singin' himes out of the same 
 book. Je-e-eminy, fellars, I w r ar so enormous mad that 
 the new silk handkercher round my neck lost its color! 
 Arter meetin' out they walked, linked arms, a smilin' 
 and lookin' as pleased as a young couple at thar furst 
 christening and Sofy tamed her * cold shoulder' at me 
 so orful pinted, that I wilted down, and gin up right 
 straight Jake had her, thar wur no disputin' it! I 
 headed toward home, with my hands as fur in my 
 trowsers pockets as I could push 'em, swarm' all the 
 way that she wur the last one would ever git a chance 
 to rile up my feelin's, Passin' by Jake's plantation I 
 looked over the fence, and thar stood an explanation of 
 
100 THE STANDING CANDIDATE. 
 
 the marfer, right facin' the road, whar every one passin' 
 could see it his consarned cow was tied to a stake in 
 the gardin', with a most promisirf calf alongside of her ! 
 That calf jest soured rny milk, and made Sofy think, 
 that a fellar who war allays gittin' ahead like Jake, wur 
 a right smart chance for a lively husband!" 
 
 A shout of laughter here drowned Sugar's voice, and 
 as soon as silence was restored he added, in a solemn 
 tone, with one eye shut, and his forefinger pointing at 
 his auditory : 
 
 " What is a cussed sight wusser than his gittin' Sofy 
 war the fact, that he borrowed that calf the night before 
 from Dick Harkley ! Arter the varmint got Sofy hitched, 
 he told the joke all over the settlement, and the boys 
 never seed me arterwards that they didn't b-a-h at me 
 fur lettin' a calf cut me out of a gal's affections. I'd 
 a shot Jake, but I thort it war a free co mtry, and the 
 ga] had a right to her choice without bein' made a 
 widder, so I jest sold out and travelled ! I've allays 
 thort sence then, boys, that wimin wur a good deal 
 like lic/cer, ef you love 'em too hard thar sure to throw 
 you some way: 
 
 'Then here's to wimin, then to licker, 
 Thar's nuthin 7 swimmin' can be slicker!" 
 
AN EMIGRANT'S PERILS; 
 
 OR, A FLYING TICKET ON THE MISSISSIPPI. 
 
 THE inexperienced dweller in a quiet home, who has 
 never been tempted to wander from its peaceful pre- 
 cincts, has but a faint idea of the emigrant's troubles, 
 and many may fail to deeply sympathise with Michael 
 O'Reily, the subject of our sketch ; but there are those 
 who have mingled in the perilous tide, and can know- 
 ingly speak of its dangers. " Maybe," as Michael 
 would say, " it's mesilf that has had a full peck measure 
 of thim, barrin' what I injayneously iscaped." 
 
 Michael's brother, Patrick, had induced him to quit 
 the little cottage and pratie patch on the green sod, for 
 a home where " goold" llowed up the rivers. At the 
 time we encountered him he had reached the spot where 
 " a great man intirely," had prophesied this shiny metal 
 would flow to, and he but waited to reach Patrick's 
 home on the Missouri river, to set a net in the stream 
 and catch his share. As he and Mrs. O'R., who was 
 well, but, naturally enough, wakely," were seated on 
 the boat, considering how they could get further up 
 stream, a steamboat runner came to their aid, and forth- 
 with made every necessary arrangement for taking them 
 safe. Michael's mind being at ease about that matter, 
 he ventured to indulge in a whifF of the pipe, when he 
 was accosted by another of the off-in-twenty-minutes 
 agents. 
 
 Passage up the Missouri, sir ?" inquires the runner. 
 i 2 101 
 
102 AN EMIGRANT'S PERILS. 
 
 Yis, I'm goin' wid ye's," says Michael, " sure wan 
 uv your boys ingaged me a minnit ago." 
 
 The runner perceiving in a moment that a rival had 
 encountered Michael, resolved to do the aforesaid rival 
 out of his passenger, and accordingly hurried him oft' to 
 his own boat, by telling him that steam was up ! 
 
 The " done" runner, on returning and finding his 
 passenger off, suspected that the rival boat had secured 
 him, and ventured upon the " terror experiment" to 
 win him back. Michael instantly recognised his first 
 friend, and saluted him with 
 
 " I'm here, ye see !" 
 
 " Yes, but you've got yourself into a kingdom-come 
 snarl, if you only know'd it, without half tryiri'." 
 
 Twist the snarl which way Michael would, it sounded 
 unpleasantly, and he ventured to inquire 
 
 " Its what did ye say kind of snarly I was in?" 
 
 "I only just want to open your peepers to the fact, 
 of having been trapped on board an old boat, fully in- 
 sured, with a desperate shaky 'scape-pipe, and engaged 
 to be blow'd up this trip ; so good by old fellow, you're 
 ticketed." 
 
 " Och! if she's fully insured, all's right," says Mi- 
 chael, whispering safety to his heart, " and the boy that I 
 came wid, says she can run up a tree if there's a dhrap 
 of wather on it." 
 
 "If she don't run up a tree," was the reply, " she'll 
 be sure to run agin a snaggy one, and then, I predicate, 
 some of her passengers '11 be blow'd tree high, so you're 
 in for it, old hoss ! Good by, I say, if you should see 
 my old uncle down tliar" pointing at the same time 
 significantly to the rushing river, " the one I mean who 
 didn't leave me any money, tell him for me, as he's 
 
103 
 
 gone to the d 1, to shake himself will you?" and 
 after delivering himself of this soothing request, he va- 
 nished, leaving Michael fancying himself astride of a 
 'scape pipe riding over tree tops, rocket fashion. 
 
 " Och sorra the day I iver put fut among sich hay- 
 thins !" soliloquised Michael, " to talk of a man's bein' 
 blown to smithereens, as if it were but a gintle rap wid 
 a shillaleh faith its out uv this I'll be immigratin' 
 quicker than you could peel a pratie," and forthwith he 
 proceeded to move, with all possible haste, his stock 
 of worldly effects ; observing which the runner, who 
 had awoke his fears, shouted out as a quickener, " don't 
 forget uncle, for he would think it dreadful mean, if I 
 didn't send word by somebody I knew wasg'om' direct" 
 
 " Leave that luggage alone," savagely shouted the 
 mate, "you can't leave this boat you're engaged" 
 
 " Thrue for ye's," says Michael in a doleful tone, 
 "be dad I was omadhaun enough to do that same, and 
 ye's can blow me up when iver you're a mind to." 
 
 " We don't blow her up," says the mate, " until the 
 downward trip, unless some gentleman 's requested it 
 in his bargain ; if you've got a flying ticket we are bound 
 to accommodate you," and just at that moment, whiz 
 went a steam-cock. 
 
 " Be aisy for the Lord's sake," shouted Michael, 
 " blow her up for the gintleman comin' down ; as I'm 
 not used to it, I might fall awkwardly in some man's 
 apple orchard and desthroy a peach tree d'ye mind." 
 
 Having been assured that all was safe, and that by 
 express desire the blowing up was deferred, he took his 
 seat at the stern. As the shades of evening gathered 
 around the boat and over the waters, the steamer pushed 
 from her moorings, the last we saw of Michael he was 
 
104 FUN WITH A 
 
 holding in one hand a small string of beads, with a ro- 
 sary attached, while the other grasped the painter of the 
 jolly-boat towing astern, and his eye with a doubtful, 
 but resigned expression, was firmly fixed on the shaky 
 'scape-pipe. 
 
 FUN WITH A "BAR." 
 
 A NIGHT ADVENTURE ON THE MISSOURI. 
 
 AT the head of a ravine on the border of the river 
 Platte, one bright night in June, was gathered a party 
 of Missouri hunters, who were encamped after a day's 
 chase for buffalo. The evening's repast was over, and 
 as they stretched themselves in easy attitudes around 
 their stack of rifles, each looked at the other with a 
 kind of questioning expression, of whether it should be 
 sleep or a yarn? The bright moon, with full round 
 face, streamed down into their midst, and sprinkled her 
 silvery sheen over shrub and flower, investing night in 
 those vast solitudes with a strange charm which forbid 
 sleep, and with common consent they raised themselves 
 into a sitting posture and proposed a "talk," as the red 
 skins say. Dan Elkhorn was the leader of the party, 
 and all knew his store of adventure inexhaustible, so 
 a unanimous call was made upon Dan for a story. 
 " Come, Dan ? " cried a crony, " give us something to 
 laugh at, and let us break this silence, which seems to 
 breed a spirit of melancholy stir us up, old fellow, do !" 
 
 Dan pulled his long knife out of his belt, and laying 
 it before him, smoothed back his long grey hair. He 
 was a genuine specimen of the hardy American moun- 
 
FUN WITH A " BAR." 105 
 
 taineer, like the Indian, he dressed in deer skins and 
 wore the moccason, while every seam in his iron coun- 
 tenance told of 'scapes and peril. Seeing that all were 
 attention he commenced 
 
 " Well, draw up closer, boys, so I shan't have to 
 holler, 'cause breth is gittin' kind a short with me now, 
 and I want to pacel it out to last pretty strong till the 
 wind-up hunt. You, Mike, keep your eye skinned for 
 Ingins, 'cause ef we git deep in a yarn here, without a 
 top eye open, the cussed varmints '11 pop on us unawars, 
 and be stickin' some of thur quills in us nothin' like 
 havin' your eye open and insterments ready. I've a big 
 idea to gin you an account of some fun I had with an 
 old bar, on the Missouri, when I was a younker, and 
 considerably more spry than I am jest now. I want to 
 tell you fust, boys, that bars are knowin' animals, and 
 they kin jest tell a younker of the human kind as easily 
 as they kin a small pig from the old sow ; they don't 
 fool with me now, for they've got to know me! 
 
 " Well, old Alic Dennison, a neighbour of mine on 
 the Missouri, had bin about two years up in the moun- 
 tains, and when he came home he gin a treat to all the 
 fellars within thirty miles of him that was jest seven 
 , families and among 'em, in course, I got an invite. 
 Alic and I had sot our cabins on opposite sides of the 
 drink, near enough to see each other, and a red skin, ef 
 he'd come on a scalp visit, would a bin diskivered by 
 either. When Alic's frolic was to cum off, I was on 
 hand, sartain. About evenin' I got my small dug-out, 
 and fixin' my rifle carefully in the fore eend, and stickin' 
 my knife in the edge whar it would be handy, I jest 
 paddled over the drink. 
 
 A little above our location thar wur a bend in the 
 14 
 
106 
 
 stream which a kind a turned the drift tother eend up, 
 and planted them about the spot between our cabins 
 snags and sawyers, jest thar, wur dreadful plenty, and 
 it took mity nice padlin' to git across without tiltin' ; 
 howsever, I slid atween 'em, sarpentine fashion, and got 
 over clar as a pet coon. Thar wur considerable folks 
 at Alic's, fur some of the families in them diggins had 
 about twenty in number, and the gals among 'em warn't 
 any on your pigeon creaturs, that a fellar dassent tech 
 fur fear of spilin' 'em, but raal scrougers any on 'em 
 over fourteen could lick a 6ar, easy. My decided 
 opinion jest now is, that thur never was a grittyer 
 crowd congregated before on that stream, and sich 
 other dancin' and drinkin' and eatin' bar steaks, and 
 corn dodger, and huggin' the gals, don't happen but 
 once in a fellar's lifetime, and scarcely that often. Old 
 Alic had a darter Molly, that war the most enticin', 
 gizzard-ticklin', heart- distressin' jfe/me creatur that ever 
 made a fellar git owdacious, and I seed Tom Sellers 
 cavortin' round her like a young buffalo he was puttin' 
 in the biggest kind a licks in the way of courtin', and 
 between her eyes and the sweetened whiskey he'd drank, 
 you'd a thought the fellar would a bursted. Jest to 
 make matters lively, I headed up alongside of Molly, 
 and shyed a few soft things at her, sech as askin' how 
 she liked bar steaks cooked, and if Jim Tarrant warn't 
 equal in the elbow to a mad pewter's tail, when he war 
 fiddlin' that last reel, and sech amusin' light conversa- 
 tion. Well, boys, Tom started swellin' instanter. He 
 tried to draw her attention from me ; but I got talkin' 
 about some new improvements I war contemplatin' 
 about my cabin, and the cow I expected up from St. 
 Louis, 'sides lonely feelins I'd bin havin' lately, and 
 
107 
 
 Tom couldn't git in a show of talk, edgeways. Didn't 
 he git mad? wur you ever near enough to a panter 
 when his har riz with wrath? Well, ef you have, you 
 can create some idea of Tom's state of mind, and how 
 electricity, from liquor and love, run out to the eends 
 of his head kiverin'. It wur easy to see he wur a gittin' 
 dangerous, so I slid off and left him alone with the gal. 
 Arter I got a talkin' to another one of the settlers' young 
 women, Molly kept lookin' at me, and every now and 
 then sayin' somethin' pleasin' across to me, while she 
 warn't payin' any attention to Tom at all. He spread 
 himself into a stiff bow and left her ; then movin' across 
 the floor like a wounded deer, he steadied himself on 
 the back of my seat, and lookin' me in the face, says: 
 
 " < Mister Elkhorn, I shud be strenuously obleeged to 
 you ef you'll step down thar with me by the old per- 
 simmen tree.' 
 
 " I nodded my head, and told him to trot outside and 
 wait till I got the docyments, and as soon as he moved 
 I sent his old daddy to accompany him. I jest informed 
 the old fellar that Tom wanted a fight, and as he was 
 too full of corn juice to cut carefully, I didn't want to- 
 take advantage of him. The old man said he was 
 obleeged to me, and moved out. Tom, thinkin' it wur 
 me, staggered ahead of the old man, and I concluded, 
 as it war near mornin', to leave ; 'cause I knew when 
 Tom found out his daddy was along with him instead 
 of me, he'd have a fight any how. I acknowledge the 
 corn, boys, that when I started my track warn't anythin' 
 like a bee-line ; the sweeten'd whiskey had made me 
 powerful thick-legged ; but arter a fashion I got to my 
 dug-out, with nothin' of weapon along in the world but 
 the paddle. Thar war jest enough light to tell that 
 
108 FUN WITH A " BAR." 
 
 snags wur plenty, and jest enough corn juice inside to 
 make a fellar not care a cuss fur 'em. I felt strong as 
 a hoss, too, and the dug-out hadn't more'n leaped six 
 lengths from the bank afore zip chug co-souse I 
 went the front eend jest lifted itself agin a sawyer and 
 emptied me into the element! In about a second I 
 came up bang agin a snag, and I guess I grabbed it 
 sudden, while old Missouri curl'd and purl'd around 
 me as ef she was in a hurry to git to the mouth, so she 
 might muddy the Massissippi. I warn't much skeer'd, 
 but still I didn't jest like to hang on thar till daylight, 
 and I didn't want to make a fuss fur fear they'd say I 
 war skary. I had sot myself on the eend of the snag, 
 and was jest tryin' to cypher out some way of gittin' to 
 shore, when I thought 1 diskiver'd a fellar sittin' on the 
 bank. At fust, he looked so black in the coat I thought 
 it war Tom Sellers, who'd sot himself down to wait fur 
 a fight : Tom had on at the frolic a black blanket coat 
 with a velvet collar, and he thought it particularly nice. 
 Arter lookin' at him move about and sit down on his 
 hunkers once or twice, I thought I'd holler to him ; but 
 he appeared so dreadful drunk that I didn't expect 
 much help from him. 
 
 " < Tom,' shouted I, come out here with a dug-out, 
 and help a fellar off, will you ?' 
 
 " He sot still, without sayin' a word. < Well, 5 says 
 I to him, < you're meaner than an Ingin ! and would 
 bait a trap with your daddy's leggins.' He didn't move 
 fur a spell ; at last into the drink he popped, and now, 
 thought I, he is mad and no dispute. I could see him 
 paddlin' right fur me, and I holler'd to him that I had 
 no insterments, but he didn't say a whisper, ony shoved 
 along the faster. At last up he come agin my snag, 
 
FUN WITH A " BAR." 109 
 
 and the next minit he reached fur me, and then he tried 
 to fix his teeth into my moccason ; so guessin' it war 
 time to do something I jest grabbed fur his muzzle, and 
 I'm blessed, boys, ef it warn't a great he bar ! The 
 cussed varmint had watched me from the house and 
 seed I had no weapons, and when I upsot he just 
 counted me his'n, and was quietly calculatin' on the 
 bank how he'd best git me out of the water. I had 
 nothin' in the yearth but a small fancy pen knife, but I 
 stuck that in him so quick that he let me go, and while 
 he swam for one snag I reached for another. I never 
 heerd a bar laugh out loud afore, but I'm a sucker ef 
 he didn't snigger twice at the way he rolled me off my 
 log. 
 
 " We sot lookin' at one another fur a spell, when I 
 seed the varmint gittin' ready to call on me agin, and 
 in about a second more off he dropped, and strait he 
 took a shute for my location. As he came up close to 
 me I slit his ear with the small blade, and he got mad ; 
 but jest as he was circling round me to git a good hold, 
 I dropped on to his hinder eend and grabbed his har, 
 and I guess I made him move fur shore a leetle faster 
 than a steam boat my little blade kept him dreadful 
 itchy. Well, the fun of the thing wur, boys, as soon 
 as the varmint teched shore, he turned right round on 
 rne, and I'm cussed if I hadn't to turn round, too, and 
 scratch for the snag agin ! with that consarned bar feelin' 
 my legs with his paw every stroke I war makin' to git 
 away from him ! I got a little skary, now, and a good 
 deal mad, fur thar the varmint war a waitin' for me, and 
 whinin' as ef he had been ill-treated, and thar I wur 
 perched up on a sawyer, bobbin' up and down in the 
 \vater. At last I sot a hollerin' and kept on at it, and 
 
 K 
 
110 FUN WITH A "BAR." 
 
 hollered louder, until I seed some one cum from the 
 house, and singin' out agin they answered me. I asked 
 who it war, and found that it war Molly, old Alic's 
 darter ; so I gin her a description of my siteaytion, and 
 she war into a dug-out in a minit, and paddlin' towards 
 me. I believe I said wonce, boys, that bars wur knowin' 
 critters, but ef thar's anythin' true on this yearth, it's 
 the fact, that this consarned animal had made up his 
 mind to upsot that gal, and I'm blessed ef he didn't 
 jest as cute as ef he'd bin human ! Startin' from his 
 snag he swam to the dug-out, put up both paws, and 
 over it went over went Molly into the stream, and off 
 slid Mister 6ar, laffin' out loud! as I'm a white man. 
 
 " I seized Molly as she came floatin' towards me, and 
 stuck her upon my sawyer, while I started for an adji- 
 nin' snag. I could hear Molly grittin' her teeth, she 
 war so bilin' mad, and jest as soon as she could git 
 breath, she hollered to me to be sure I never rested till 
 I killed that varmint. I swore on that snag that I'd 
 grow thin chasm' the critter, and she seemed to git 
 pacified. Well, thar we wur, in the stream, and it a 
 leetle too rough to swim in easy, so we had to sing out 
 for help, and I yelled till I war nigh onto hoarse, afore 
 anythin' livin' stirred about the house; at last, nigger 
 Jake came down to the edge of the river, jest as day 
 was breakin', and puttin' his hand over his eyes, he 
 hollers 
 
 " < Why, Massa Dan, is dat you wot's been hollowin' 
 eber so long for somebody !' 
 
 " < You've jest took the notion to cum see, have you, 
 you lazy nigger now git a dug-out and come out here 
 and git your missus and me off these snags, and do it 
 quick, too, or I'll make you holler!' 
 
Ill 
 
 " < What, Missus dar, too /' shouted the nigger, < well, 
 dat's funny de Lor !' and off the cussed blueskin started 
 fur the house, and in a few minits all that could gethered 
 out to see us and laugh at our water locations. 
 
 " I had bin gittin' riled by degrees, and now was at 
 a dangerous pint the steam began to rise off on me 
 till thar wur a small fog above my head, and as the half 
 drunken varmints roared a laffin, and cracked their jokes 
 about our courtin' in the middle of the drink, I got awful 
 excited. < I'll make ribbons of every man among you,' 
 says I, < when I git whar thar's a chance to fight.' And 
 then the cussed crew roared the louder. Tom Sellers 
 yelled out that we'd bin tryin' to elope, and this made 
 Molly mad, her daddy got a little mad, too, and I 
 bein' already mad, thar wur a wrathy trio on us, and 
 the old fellow said, ef he thought I'd been playin' a 
 two-faced game, and bitin' his friendship like a pizen 
 varmint, he'd drop me off the log I wur on with a ball 
 from his rifle. I jest told him to fire away and be d d, 
 for I wur wore out a patience. Some of the boys held 
 him, while others got the dug-out and came to our as- 
 sistance. I jest got them to drop me on my side of the 
 river, and to send over my rifle, and as soon as it war 
 on hand I onloosed my dog Yelp, and started to wipe 
 out my disgrace. 
 
 " That infernal bar, as soon as he'd tossed Molly in 
 the stream, started for the woods ; but, as ef he had rea- 
 soned on the chances, the varmint came to the conclu- 
 sion that he couldn't git away, and so got up into a 
 crotch of a low tree, about a quarter of a mile from my 
 cabin. Old Yelp smelled him, and as ocn as I clapped 
 peeper on him I let sliver, when the varmint dropped 
 like a log, I went to him arid found he'd bin dead for 
 
112 TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS. 
 
 an nour. My little blade couldn't a killed him, so it's 
 iny opinion, clearly entertained, that the owdacious var- 
 mint, knowin' I'd kill him for his trick, jest climbed up 
 thar whar I could easy find him, and died to spite me ! 
 " His hide, and hard swearin', got me and Molly out 
 of our elopin' scrape, and the lickin' I gin Tom Sellers 
 that spring has made us good friends ever sence. He 
 don't wonce ventur' to say anythin' about that bar scrape, 
 without my permission !" 
 
 TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS. 
 A NIGHT'S ADVENTURE IN THE AMERICAN BOTTOM. 
 
 THE great struggles to obtain early news in the east, 
 between the proprietors of daily journals, has infused a 
 spirit of rivalry in their western brethren, and they have 
 been of late, prating all along the Mississippi valley, 
 about expresses to Washington, railroads to Oregon, 
 regular lines to California, telegraphs connecting St. 
 Louis with the east, &c., and sundry other new-fangled 
 methods of getting ahead of time. We do not much 
 wonder at it, for this is the age of expresses, and the 
 man who lingers along in the old " sure-and-easy" 
 method, is certain to be lost sight of in the rapid whirl 
 of the new order of things. In the matter of news, now- 
 a-*days, it is not news unless expressed, and we hesitate 
 not to say that the President's message, received in the 
 old fashioned wait-till-you-get-it manner, would not be 
 read with interest. 
 
 At St. Louis, on the night of the 17th of December, 
 the President's message was expected in town, and 
 
TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS. 113 
 
 many were the suspicious rumours in circulation, about 
 private expresses, magnetic telegraphs, and " enormous" 
 arrangements to spread the intelligence with rapidity. 
 Every body knew that the old slow-and-easy line 
 through Illinois would be along sometime that night, 
 and allowing it ten days from Washington to the Mis- 
 sissippi, it was very probable that among its contents 
 w r ould be found a copy of that important document. 
 Col. K., a veteran conducter of the city press, called a 
 few of his boys together, that evening, and quietly re- 
 marked to them : 
 
 " Boys, that terrapin team will arrive to night on the 
 other side of the river with the message, and as it gene- 
 rally remains there until next morning, unless we can 
 persuade the driver to cross the river, we will get no 
 message until to morrow, so I wish you to start as an 
 express, and see if you can't coax him to cross. Use 
 the persuasive, liberally, but bring him and the mail- 
 bags, anyhow!" 
 
 Orders were positive, and a " team" of three started 
 to execute the Colonel's orders. The river was a sheet 
 of solid ice, upon which the full moon poured down a 
 flood of radiance. Across the ice they dashed, gained 
 the Illinois side, and chartering a wagon and horses 
 belonging to a couple of suckers, started to meet the 
 stage. The drivers of this express were dubious about 
 taking their passengers, because they would not disclose 
 where they wished to go. " Keep dark!" said one. 
 " Mum is the word !" said the other. " They intend 
 to steal sum gal on the road," whispered one sucker to 
 his friend. 
 
 " Well, they've got a cussed poor taste, fur I'll swar 
 thar aint anythin' on this yeur road to the bluff wuth 
 15 K2 
 
114 TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS. 
 
 shucks, 'cept Nancy Birch, and her temper would tarn 
 the stomic of the d 1." In the course of a few minute? 
 one express passenger remarked to his companion, 
 " We'll meet the stage this side of the brick house." 
 "Certain," was his friend's reply. "It's out now," 
 said the biggest sucker, "thar goin' to rob the mail," 
 and he cast a fearful 'glance over his shoulder to see if 
 they had pistols in their hands. The stage was now 
 heard lumbering along, and in a few minutes they met, 
 when out dashed the expresses. " Stop!" cried one, to 
 the driver up mounted another to the side of the stage. 
 " I'm d d, gentlemen, ef we belong to that arr crowd!" 
 screamed the sucker driver, " I'll jest swar on a stack of 
 bibles, that them fellars ony hired our team." 
 
 The express who mounted the side of the stage, 
 thinking he might obtain a copy from some passenger, 
 thrust his head through the door, and finding one 
 "insider" he demanded: 
 
 " Have you got a message*}" 
 
 "Dake all mit you, mine Got!" exclaimed a Ger- 
 man passenger in answer, " but dont gill de fader 
 of dirteen little babys," at the same time he handed 
 his wallet to the express messenger. 
 
 " To the d 1 with your old leather, give me a mes- 
 sage paper ."' shouted the express. 
 
 "May I go to der duyvel, if ish got any oder baper 
 but Indiana /" exclaimed the Dutchman, still holding 
 forth his wallet. 
 
 The driver now informed them that he had the mes- 
 sage along, but " he'd jest see them and the city of St. 
 Louis in h 1, afore they'd git him two steps further 
 than the law ^ervided he should go," and that was to 
 the Illinois side of the river. He said this so bitter^ 
 
TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS. 115 
 
 that the chance looked hopeless for moving him, but 
 one of the boys, with a tongue " iley as a sarpint," 
 quiet as a mole, and civil as a pill pedlar, climbed up 
 on the seat beside him, and placing himself in a good 
 position, he commenced whispering close to the ear of 
 the driver, and Eve never yielded as easily to the ser- 
 pent's temptation, as the mail driver now began to melt 
 under the soft whisper floating around him. 
 
 "You said it would be lioH" exclaimed the driver. 
 
 " I did," replied the whisper, and lots of it, besides 
 a dollar under the pitcher of punch, and sundry com- 
 fortable fixens around it." 
 
 " Don't say any more," said the driver, "that's jest 
 the kind of snap I want to git into to night." So, put- 
 ting up his horses he shouldered the mail bags, and 
 across to St. Louis the party travelled. 
 
 The proprietors of the anxious city journals, alarmed 
 at the delay of the express, resolved to despatch tele- 
 graphs in search of them ; and, having charged three 
 with the electric fluid^ off they started and Morse's 
 invention aint a beginning to the way the St. Louis 
 specimens travelled. Across the ice slap dash up 
 the side of the ferry boat, and up the hill. Here were 
 collected about fifty Illinois market \vagons, and a cor- 
 responding number of suckers. A group of these latter 
 were gathered around a large fire, discussing the proba-. 
 bility of being able to cross the ice to St. Louis, on the 
 succeeding day. A telegraph inquired of one of these, 
 if he had seen anything of the express. " No, I haint," 
 says he, " but I hev got first rate butter, at two bitts a 
 pound!" "Melt your butter!" shouted an indignant 
 telegraph. " Come and show us the road out to Pap's 
 house, captain," said another. The marketeer started 
 
116 TELEGRAPHING AN EXPRESS. 
 
 a few rods with him, and then, as if a sudden thought 
 hit him, looked at the telegraph gent, and, pointing his 
 finger at him, he slowly remarked " No you don't 
 hoss ! I jest see right through you." " Why, you fool, 
 don't you see by my appearance that I am a gentleman ?" 
 inquired telegraph. The sucker marketeer drew off a 
 few paces, to be ready to run, and then shouted " Yes, 
 I've seen jest sich gentleman fellars as you in the peni- 
 tentiary!" and off he dashed, congratulating himself on 
 his escape from robbery. 
 
 Away went the telegraphs again, heading for Pap's 
 house, a stopping place about one mile from the ferry, 
 and while one led the way, the other two, wishing to 
 slip him, hid on the road-side* but the rival telegraph 
 seated himself in the road to wait for the appearance of 
 his company. As there was no way, in the clear moon- 
 light, to get round him unobserved, they caine out and 
 again started. Now for it ! best man at Pap's first ! 
 Away they started, "lickety-click," and arrived at the 
 winning-post within touching distance of each other. 
 After rapping up the bar-keeper they seated themselves 
 by the stove, leisurely warmed up, and then inquired 
 how soon they expected the stage along. " It passed 
 here with the message, full twenty minutes ago .'" was 
 the answer. 
 
 Clear the track ! hey ! here was news. Three im- 
 portant aids of two printing establishments, two miles 
 from their offices, and the message there ! Now com- 
 menced a stampede unknown to Fashion down to the 
 river on to the ice ; pit pat pat pit slip slide 
 bang! and down he goes " up, boys, and at it 
 again." The island was reached in safety. Here was 
 a dangerous gap, at which stood a foot passenger afraid 
 
THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 117 
 
 to cross. " Look out," he shouted, " you'll get in 
 there." " Get thunder ! get out of the road !" shouted 
 the foremost through they dashed the last sticking 
 his leg through &fwt, and the city side was gained like 
 a flash of lightning. The leading telegraph reached the 
 composing room of an enterprising city paper, just as 
 the foreman was shouting proof! 
 
 THE PRE-EMPTION EIGHT; 
 
 DICK KELSY \vas one of the earliest settlers in the 
 Upper Missouri country, and a more open-hearted or 
 careless son of Kentucky, never squatted in the " Far 
 West." He had wandered from his parent state more 
 for a change of location than any desire to improve his 
 condition, and if a spot offered easy hunting facilities, 
 it mattered not what contingencies were added, Dick 
 " sot himself down thar." Tall, raw-boned, good-na- 
 tured and fearless, he betrayed no ambition to excel, 
 except in his rifle, and the settlers generally conceded 
 that his " shooting-iron" was particularly certain ! A 
 spot upon one of the tributaries of the Missouri won 
 Dick's heart at first sight it bordered upon a beautiful 
 stream ; had a far spreading prairie, skirted by a fine 
 grove of timber, for a landscape, and abounded with all 
 sorts of game, from a prairie fowl -to an Indian. Here 
 Dick built his cabin, beneath the shadow of bis own 
 cotton tree, and he used to tell his neighbours that nature 
 had, after practising on the rest of creation, spread her 
 
118 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 
 
 finishing touches on his claim. Its wild beauty de- 
 served his lavish praise. 
 
 In this western habitation our hero held undisturbed 
 sway, his only companion being a negro slave, who was 
 at once his master's attendant -and friend. Kelsy and 
 the negro had been raised together, and from associa- 
 tion, although so opposite their positions, had imbibed 
 a lasting affection for each other, each would have 
 freely shed blood in the other's defence. The bonds 
 of servitude were, consequently, moulded into links of 
 friendship and affection, securing to them a feeling of 
 confidence in their lonely habitation in the wilderness. 
 Their nearest neighbours were situated at a small trad- 
 ing settlement, some ten miles distant, where Dick al- 
 ways repaired to exchange his furs for ammunition and 
 other essentials. Here he also learned the news from 
 the far-off seat of government ; but the busy world be- 
 yond little interested these roving sons of the western 
 forests, a brush with the red skins, or a challenge 
 shooting match, possessed much more interest for them. 
 At length, however, these western pioneers were aroused 
 from their quietude and inactivity by the news that 
 Congress had passed the famous Pre-emption Law. As 
 yet none in the region we write of knew its provisions, 
 or, distinctly, what rights it conferred ; each squatter, 
 therefore, laid out the bounds of his claim in accordance 
 with his own desire, and stood ready to defend the title 
 against all encroachments. The fever of emigration 
 became an epidemic, and soon that speculating mania, 
 which, in imagination, built fortunes in a day, spread 
 even to the confines of civilization. The axe of the 
 pioneer soon began to startle the wild denizens of the 
 
THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 119 
 
 forest, where for age's the hunter alone had disturbed 
 their repose. 
 
 One bright morning a ripple of the advancing tide, in 
 the persons of two strangers, was discovered by Dick 
 about a quarter of a mile from his cabin, where, appa- 
 rently, they had rested for the night. The first was a 
 man about middle stature, of a dark swarthy complexion, 
 with an uneasy eye, prominent teeth, and clad in a di- 
 lapidated suit of Kentucky jean ; an old chip hat sur- 
 mounted his figure, and in his right hand he held the 
 sceptre of the pioneer a rifle! His companion was a 
 pale, sickly-looking little woman, clad in a coarse lin- 
 sey-woolsey gown, and in her hand she held a faded 
 calico sun-bonnet ; close by stood a small wagon, with 
 a quilt cover, to which was harnessed a horse, bearing 
 evident marks of long travel and hard fare. 
 
 " How are you, strangers ?" was Dick's first query. 
 " Judgin' from appearances, you're lookin' out a loca- 
 tion." 
 
 " Yes," replied the man, in a surly tone, " I've been 
 lookin' all along, but I aint found any yet fit fur a white 
 man." 
 
 " Well, you've jest got to the spot now," says Dick. 
 " Creation aint laid out any place prettier, and arter 
 takin' a view of it, you'll say so. You and the missus 
 better go up to my cabin and rest till you can take a 
 good look at its best pints, and I predicate you'll come 
 to a conclusion." 
 
 " Well, guess I'll stay a spell," was the stranger's 
 response, and following Dick, he was introduced be- 
 neath the Kentuckian's hospitable roof, after which Dick 
 started to the settlement for some notions with which to 
 entertain them more comfortably. On his arrival the 
 
120 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 
 
 whole conversation at the settlement was the pre-emption 
 act, and during the debate on its merits, he mentioned 
 the " new arrival" in his neighbourhood, of the stran- 
 gers They had passed through the settlement, and as 
 all new comers are a subject of interest, various opinions 
 were expressed in regard to these. 
 
 " Judgin' from that stranger's frontispiece," said one, 
 " I shouldn't like him fur a near neighbour?" 
 
 " He's rayther a sour lookin' customer," added an- 
 other ; " and how r dreadful poorly his wife looks." 
 
 " I've invited him to locate near me," remarked Kelsy, 
 " and I can't say he's got a very pleasin' look ; but the 
 rough shell may have a good kernel, boys." 
 
 After providing necessaries, Dick gave the settlers an 
 invitation to come up and help the stranger to raise a 
 cabin. All agreed to be thar on the next Saturday, and 
 homeward he started. On his arrival, Sam was cook- 
 ing the evening meal of wild game and corn bread, all 
 the time expatiating to the guests what a good man 
 " Massa Dick" was, and particularly impressing upon 
 their minds that he, (Sam,) was "Massa Dick's 'stror- 
 dinary niggah !" Sam's efforts at amusement failed 
 upon the strangers, for one \vas quietly weeping, while 
 the other wore a scowl of anger. Dick noticed their 
 looks on entering, and endeavoured to cheer them 
 
 " Don't look down hearted, strangers," said he, 
 you aint among Ingins ef you are near 'em thar aint 
 a spot in the universal yearth calkilated to make you 
 feel better than whar you are now. Sam and me never 
 felt bad sence we located here, only when the Ingins 
 penned us in the cabin fur three days, while all our bar 
 meat was hangin' on the outside." 
 
 "It's this cussed woman," answered the stranger, 
 
'THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 121 
 
 " that makes me feel bad she's etarnally whimperin' 
 about bein' so fur from home I wish she was in h-11 !" 
 
 " Stop that, stranger," said Dick, in a determined 
 tone; "the love I have for an old Kentucky mother 
 won't permit me to see or hear one of her sex abused 
 beneath my cabin roof, ef it is in the wilderness, I 
 don't like red skins, none of 'em, but even a squaw 
 couldn't be abused here !" 
 
 " Well, I'm done," was the reply. " I'll git a cabin 
 of my own, and then I guess I'll do as I please." 
 
 " No you won't," said Dick ; " ef you stay in these 
 diggins and abuse her, youVe in a hotter place than 
 whar you jest now wished her." 
 
 It may be supposed that the host and his guest retired, 
 the first night of their meeting, with no favourable im- 
 pression of each other ; and while Sam and his master 
 were making all right for the night, the former ventured 
 to remark 
 
 " Dar aint much good in dat white man, Massa 
 Dick." 
 
 " Not a heap, Sam," was his master's reply ; " but he 
 shan't pisin us long with his company ;" and with this 
 comfortable resolve they turned in for the night. 
 
 At daylight Dick started out with his rifle on his arm, 
 to observe the foot-prints around his dwelling, and note 
 whether they were biped or quadruped, the close prox- 
 imity of the Indian tribes and their frequent thefts, 
 making caution and care necessary to preserve, not only 
 property, but life. As he was returning to his cabin a 
 scream startled him from his careless gait it was a new 
 sound in that wilderness ; and many a day had passed 
 since Dick heard anything akin to it. He started for- 
 ward with a bound, convulsively clutching his rifle, 
 16 L 
 
122 THE PRE-EMPTION EIGHT. - 
 
 while his blood urged into rapid action by the move- 
 ment, was again forced back to his heart, chilled by 
 another fearful scream of a woman in distress. In a 
 moment he emerged from the strip of woods, within 
 view of his cabin, and there beheld the stranger with 
 his arm raised to strike ; fronting him stood am, pois- 
 ing a large hunting knife in defence, while upon the 
 other arm of the muscular negro, hung the trembling 
 form of the stranger's sickly wife. A few moments and 
 Dick was beside the combatants, inquiring the cause of 
 their hostile attitude. When Sam informed him that 
 the stranger had twice, with his fist, felled the woman 
 to the earth, his rifle raised instinctively to his shoulder, 
 as if justice demanded instant and dreadful punishment 
 for such a dastard act. Dick slowly remarked, as he 
 directed his aim 
 
 " I'll sarve you out, you infernal savage!" 
 
 The stricken wife observing the action, threw herself 
 before the weapon, imploring the enraged host to spare 
 her husband's life. 
 
 " Well, woman is woman," soliloquised Dick; "for 
 they'll stick to the devil, ef they ever take a notion to 
 him. If you have the least hankerin' arter the mean 
 varmint, in course I'll let him slide ; but he must clar 
 out of my diggins I can't be near whar anythin' of his 
 breed grows, so arter breakfast w r e'll separate." 
 
 When the morning meal was ended, the stranger drew 
 up his wagon, thrust his companion into it, and sullenly 
 departed, muttering a threatening farewell. 
 
 " God help that poor creatur," said Dick, as his late 
 guests disappeared from view, " she's got a hard row to 
 hoe, and as for that sarpent with her, he'd better keep 
 out of my tracks. I should be mightily tempted to sarch 
 
"I'll savve you out, you infernal savage !" 
 
THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 123 
 
 his carcass to see ef he had a heart in it. Sam," con- 
 tinued he, " you're a nigger, but thar's more real white 
 man tffcder your black skin than could be found in an 
 acre of such varmints as that sucker. Give me your 
 fist, old fellar ; while Dick Kelsy's got anythin' in this 
 world, you shall share it !" 
 
 While this bond of closer friendship was being 
 formed between master and slave, malice was holding 
 her revel in the heart of their late guest. He had ob- 
 served Dick's love for the spot where he had squatted, 
 and judging rightly that he had neglected to file his 
 claim to it in the Land Office, he stopped a short dis- 
 tance below him, intending to remain, and, if possible 
 gain possession of it. Kelsy had his dislike for the 
 stranger increased by finding him remain on his section, 
 and he ordered him to leave forthwith. The stranger 
 gave as an excuse, that his wife w r as so sick that she 
 couldn't travel, and ended with a request that he would 
 let him erect a hut to shelter her, while he went in 
 search of a permanent location. In pity for her, Dick 
 consented, and the stranger proceeded to prepare timber 
 for a small cabin. The following Saturday the neigh- 
 bors gathered, and by nightfall placed a roof over their 
 heads, kindly supplied them with some necessaries, and 
 left, each more confirmed in his dislike for the stranger. 
 The next morning he started off, as many supposed, 
 never to return ; the natural kindness of the settlers was 
 immediately manifested towards his wife, and nothing 
 that would conduce to her comfort, was lacking in the 
 cabin of this heart-broken woman. 
 
 After the lapse of several days, contrary to all expec- 
 tation, the stranger returned, and a visible change was 
 manifested in his manner his surliness assumed a more 
 
124 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 
 
 impudent and offensive character, and on receiving a 
 further intimation that it was time he was moving, he 
 insolently told Dick to " clear out," himself, to that 
 he, (the stranger,) was the rightful owner of the claim. 
 Dick laughed at him, and told him to be oft* quietly, 
 that his carcass was safe while that woman clung to 
 him. 
 
 Kelsy was laughing next day, down at the settlement, 
 as he related the stranger's words, and described his 
 insolent bearing ; but his smile of scorn was turned to 
 a frown of wrath, when the Land Agent, who happened 
 to hear him, informed the unsuspecting squatter, that 
 the stranger had, indeed, entered the claim his cabin 
 was upon. Dick, on hearing this news, shivered the 
 bottle in his hand to atoms, and drawing his breath 
 through his teeth until it fairly whistled, he remarked 
 
 " That stranger may have some of my claim, but his 
 share shall be my signature to the title." 
 
 The sun was fast sinking when Dick started home, 
 rather limber from the effects of wrath and liquor. 
 Having resigned himself to the care of his horse, he 
 swung from side to side, in a state of dozing uncon- 
 sciousness. When he neared his cabin, it had become 
 pitch dark, to which, if possible, the woods bordering 
 his claim, added a gloomier shade. The instant his 
 horse entered beneath the foliage, a sharp pain shot 
 through the side of the rider, so acute as to wake his 
 powers suddenly into full consciousness. The spring 
 he made in the saddle startled his horse forward into a 
 rapid gait, and in an instant more, a sickly sensation 
 robbed him of all consciousness. When he opened his 
 eyes with returning animation, his look fell upon his 
 
THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 125 
 
 faithful slave, who w r as bending, with an anxious coun- 
 tenance, over the rude couch of his master. 
 
 " Bress God ! Massa Dick, you knows Sam, your ole 
 nigga I sees you does dars life in you yet, massa, 
 dar is, but dis poor nigga had amost gib you up, for 
 sartain !" 
 
 An unseen hand had, in the darkness, plunged a knife 
 into Dick's body, as he entered the wood ; he had clung 
 to his horse's mane, until the animal stopped at his 
 cabin door, where Sam, waiting for his master, had 
 caught his bleeding and unconscious body in his arms 
 as it fell reeling from the saddle. The faithful negro 
 had staunched the blood, and applied every restorative 
 his rude knowledge could devise ; but it was long ere 
 the eyes he so loved opened to the recollection of past 
 events and present injury. 
 
 " That was a foul dig in the ribs, Sam," murmured 
 his exhausted master ; " but ef I don't trail up the sar- 
 pint and pull his sting out, it'll be because I and that 
 ar old rifle of mine has to part company!" 
 
 The natural strength of the patient, together with 
 Sam's careful nursing, soon restored him to his legs, 
 and a few days' gentle exercise imparted strength enough 
 to his frame to support the weight of his rifle. A fixed 
 resolve to trace the assassin added a severe cast to 
 Dick's pale features Sam, as he observed him, quietly 
 shook his head, with the remark 
 
 " Ah, ah! Massa Dick's soon goin' Ingin huntin' 
 sure /" 
 
 One morning, early, Kelsy ordered Sam to saddle his 
 horse, and proceeded himself to clean his rifle ; with 
 more than usual care he adjusted each particular of his 
 accoutrements, and started off to the settlement, taking 
 
 L2 
 
126 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 
 
 the road leading by his neighbor's cabin. On his 
 arrival, he gathered a few of his cronies together, who 
 all knew of the dastardly attempt on his life, and im- 
 parted to them a scheme he had been maturing, for 
 discovering if the stranger was the " stabber in the 
 dark," which few seemed to doubt, but of which he 
 wished to' be certain. 
 
 As the sun inclined to the west, Kelsy made prepa- 
 ration for return, and changing his dress for a suit be- 
 longing to one of his friends, he stuffed his own with 
 straw, surmounted the figure with his fur cap, and 
 mounted it upon his horse before him, where it was 
 . secured to the saddle ; four of his friends accompanied 
 him, and thus prepared, they bent their course towards 
 Dick's cabin. Night set in while they were on their 
 march, and soon the moon rose, casting her soft light 
 over a prairie landscape, as beautiful as ever the eye of 
 man rested upon. It was a western scene of wild and 
 picturesque loveliness, grand in its vastness of extent, 
 and rich in its yet hidden resources. Its lonely quietude 
 was calculated to subdue the wild passions which throb- 
 bed in the hearts of those who now broke its stillness ; 
 but a glance at the firm features of the party, proved 
 that its beauty was unheeded by them as they swept 
 onward to the dread business of their march. When 
 within a mile of Dick's habitation, they halted in a se- 
 cluded hollow, where they resigned their horses to the 
 care of one of the party, with instructions to turn Kel- 
 sey's horse loose about the time he supposed.they, by 
 a circuitous route, on foot, had reached the woods, and 
 when he heard a shot, to follow with their other horses. 
 Dick and his companions stole unperceived beneath the 
 shadow of the wood, and cautiously approached the 
 
THE P&E-EMPTION RIGHT. 127 
 
 trail leading to his cabin ; ere they had reached the spot, 
 however, one of the party descried the horse leisurely 
 wending his way across a strip of prairie, the figure 
 seated upon his back swaying from side to side, so like 
 his owner when " half sprung,' 5 that they could with 
 difficulty suppress a laugh. The sound of the horse's 
 hoofs brought from concealment another figure, whose 
 form was indistinctly visible, emerging from behind a 
 thick covert ; and the excitement of the moment, at thus 
 having securely trapped the offender, had almost disco- 
 vered them their game, however, was too intent on 
 his purpose, or he would have heard the slight excla- 
 mation which burst from the lips of one of the party. 
 Moving stealthily to a good position he awaited horse 
 and rider, and taking deliberate aim, fired. No move- 
 ment of the figure indicated a hit^ and the party could 
 hear his exclamation of disappointment. The horse 
 sauntered along undisturbed by the report, perceiving 
 which, the assassin hastily reloaded, while Dick and his 
 friends crept up unperceived almost to his side. Rais- 
 ing his rifle again, he steadily poised his aim, and pulled 
 the trigger erect the figure held its place, and resting 
 his rifle upon the ground, he exclaimed 
 I've hit him, or he's the devil himself!" 
 " I guess its the old gentleman come for you, 
 stranger," said Dick, as he snatched the rifle from his 
 hand, and the whole party closed in a circle round him. 
 The detected squatter looked paralyzed his tongue 
 refused its office, while his form, quivering with appre- 
 hension, could scarcely keep erect, and his usually cold, 
 uneasy eyes seemed fixed balls of light, so dreadful 
 were they in their expression of coward fear. The 
 party proposed to settle his business at once, and this 
 
128 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 
 
 movement loosened his tongue he broke forth in piteous 
 accents of supplication 
 
 "Oh, God! oh, God!" cried he, "you won't kill 
 me will you?" 
 
 " Well," said one of the party, " we won't do any- 
 thing else?' 
 
 Kelsy interposed, and suggested that his death be 
 deferred until daylight, in order that the stranger might 
 see how it was done, and be put to sleep respectably. 
 They immediately adjourned to Dick's cabin, where 
 they found Sam holding the straw figure in his arms, and 
 looking in a state of stupor at the horse ; he thought his 
 master was "done for;" but great was his joy when 
 the well-known sounds of Kelsy's voice assured him of 
 his safety. 
 
 The party seated themselves in a circle in the cabin, 
 with the culprit in the centre, and his shrinking form, 
 trembling with fear, and pallid, imploring countenance, 
 looked most pitiful. As Kelsy gazed upon him the 
 form of his sickly wife seemed to twine her arms around 
 his neck, beseeching as when she before interposed her- 
 self between him and death, and the vision of his mind 
 searched out a tender spot in Dick's heart. He resolved 
 to give him a chance of escape, and, therefore, proposed 
 to the party that they should decide by a game of cards, 
 whether the stranger should die or be permitted to leave 
 the country. Dick's friends protested against such 
 mercy ; but after an earnest appeal from him, in behalf 
 of the woman, they yielded cards were produced, and 
 one of the party selected to play against the culprit. 
 By Kelsy's entreaty, also, he was allowed the choice of 
 his own game, and he selected euchre. All seated 
 themselves closer around the players breathing seemed 
 
THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 129 
 
 almost suspended a beam of hope lent a slight glow 
 to the pallid countenance of the stranger, while the com- 
 pressed lips and frowning brow of his antagonist, gave 
 assurance that no mercy would temper his play for this 
 fearful stake. The rest of the party shared his dislike 
 for the culprit, who was looked upon as a common foe, 
 and their flashing eyes were bent upon his swarthy 
 countenance with an expression of deadly hate, which 
 forced out the cold drops of perspiration upon his sickly 
 brow, and sunk his heart with fear. The cards were 
 cut, and the stranger won the deal he breathed with 
 hope he dealt and turned up the right bower his 
 antagonist passed, and the stranger raising the bower, 
 bid him play. The hand was soon finished and the 
 1 stranger counted two! His visage lighted up, and he 
 wiped his brow with a feeling of confidence in his luck. 
 The next hand the stranger ordered the card up and 
 was euchered they now stood even, and he again looked 
 anxious. In the next two hands they successively won, 
 each a single count, and it was the stranger's deal again 
 he turned up a king, and held in his hand the queen 
 and ten of trumps, together with the eight of diamonds 
 and the king and ten of clubs. His antagonist ordered 
 the king up, and as the stranger discarded his diamond, 
 a gleam of certain success overspread his visage the 
 rigid face of his antagonist betrayed no sign of exulta- 
 tion, but his brow, on the contrary, became closer knit 
 into a scowl, which, by his party, was looked upon as 
 a presage of defeat. Dick's friend Jed tliejack of clubs 
 the stranger followed suit with his ten of clubs then 
 came the ace of trumps the stranger paused a moment, 
 and played his ten spot out canore the right bower, and 
 he yielded his queen the left fell before his eyes, and 
 17 
 
130 THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 
 
 his last trump, the king, was swept away! At 'each 
 play his countenance grew more and more ashy in its 
 expression of despair and dread ; his lips had lost their 
 color, and his eyes had gained an intenseness of ex- 
 pression that seemed as if they could look into the very 
 soul of the frowning figure before him, and read there 
 his impending doom. For the first time a slight smile 
 played upon the features of Dick's friend as slowly he 
 spread before him the ace of clubs! The stranger 
 crushed his king within his trembling hands and threw 
 it from him, as he sunk into a state of stupor, the very 
 counterpart of death. 
 
 " Your game's up, stranger," coolly remarked the 
 winner; "yes, it's up played very neat but it's up! 
 And you've jest won a small patch of Kelsy's claim 
 about six foot by two, or thereabouts." 
 
 The sun had begun to tip the tops of the forest trees, 
 when this exciting contest was ended, and all the party 
 adjourned to the outside, with the doomed stranger in 
 their midst. rThey moved with silence, for a deed of 
 blood was to be enacted. The law of the wilderness 
 was about to ofier up a victim for common safety the 
 midnight assassin to expiate his guilt upon the spot, and 
 by the hand of him whom he had there endeavored to 
 consign to death. The music of the morning songsters 
 met no harmonious accord in the hearts of those who 
 now strode amid their melodies the sweet morning air 
 kissed brows fevered with passion, and the light breeze 
 that played amid the forest grove and skipped innocently 
 across the far spread prairie, was about to bear upon its 
 pinions the shriek of agony. Having arrived at a suitable 
 spot, they bound the culprit to a sapling, and he hung 
 in his bonds already, apparently, bereft of life. 
 
THE PRE-EMPTION RIGHT. 131 
 
 " Stick him up at a hundred yards, boys," said Dick; 
 " ef he is a snake, give him a < small show' for life, and 
 ef I miss him at the first fire we'll let him slip." 
 
 The culprit aroused on hearing this, and plead for 
 the smallest chance in the world. 
 
 " Don't shoot me like &mad dog !" he exclaimed, in 
 most piteous accents. 
 
 " You're worse, you hound," said his late antagonist; 
 " and if Dick don't wind up your business for you, / 
 will." 
 
 " Come, boys," continued Dick, " you all know that 
 this old iron's certain, so give the varmint this chance 
 it'll please him, and he'll die off all the easier!" 
 
 After some persuasion, Dick's request was acceded 
 to, and the parties took their positions. Life hung, for 
 the culprit, by but a thread, and that thread the will 
 * of Kelsy. Slowly the latter raised his rifle, while the 
 party, breathless, intently fixed their eyes upon the 
 victim. Dick's hand began to tremble, and his aim 
 became unsteady, for the sickly form of the stranger's 
 wife again seemed to rise and plead for mercy he 
 rested his rifle on the ground, without the heart to fire; 
 but, in an instant the vision fled, and his eye fell clear 
 upon the countenance of the stranger; a morning ray 
 lighting up his features, exhibited a gleam of mingled 
 triumph, hatred, hope, and revenge there was no mis- 
 taking its dark expression of contending passions. The 
 pity that had almost unnerved Kelsy and saved his foe, 
 vanished, and raising his rifle sudden as thought, the 
 weapon rung out the stranger's knell. As the ball from 
 its muzzle sped through his brain, a wild shriek arose 
 upon the air, and all was again still they loosened his 
 bonds, and he fell forward, dead! 
 
132 YALLER PLEDGES. 
 
 X 
 
 His remains were consigned to the earth without a 
 tear, even from his companion, to whom the tragedy 
 had been imparted. His cruelties had long since ob- 
 literated from her heart the last spark of early fondness ; 
 all she requested, when the grave had closed over him, 
 was to be sent to her friends in Ohio, which was kindly 
 done by the settlers Dick bestowing upon her his whole 
 stock of fine furs to defray her expenses. 
 
 Kelsy set himself down in undisturbed possession of 
 his claim, and Sam, his faithful slave, often points to 
 the small green mound at the edge of the grove, with 
 the remark 
 
 " Dat's Massa Dick's signature to dis land claim 
 datis!" 
 
 YALLER PLEDGES; 
 
 OR, THE FIGHT ABOUT SALLY SPILLMAN. 
 
 " IT aint natral fur a fellar to tell of his gittin' licked, 
 but I must tell jou about that thar fight between me and 
 Jess Stout it \var a screamer, by thunder ! and ef I did 
 gin in, it warn't in the course of human natur' to do 
 any how else. That gal spontenaceously hankered arter 
 Jess, and besides, he'd piled up the affection in her, by 
 an amazin' long spell of courtin'. I did kinder edge 
 into her likin', and gin to speckelate big on throwin' 
 Jess, but that fight knocked my calculations all to frit- 
 ters. I'm some in a bar fight, and considerable among 
 pewters, but I warn't no whar in that fight with Jess. 
 In course, I'll tell you, boys, so sot yourselves round, 
 and pass along that corn juice. 
 
YALLER PLEDGES. 133 
 
 
 
 "You see, every time I come up from Lusiane, I 
 found Jess hangin' round that gal, Sally Spillman, 
 lookin' orful sweet, and a fellar couldn't go near her 
 without risin' his dander he was jealous as a hen with 
 young chickens. I sot my eyes on her, to find out what 
 Jess saw in her so amazin' inticin', and I swar ef a 
 close examination didn't make me yearn arter her like 
 a weaned yearling. She was all sorts of a gal -thar 
 warn't a sprinklin' too much of her she stuck out all 
 over jest far enough without cushinin' had an eye that 
 would make a fellar's heart try to get out of his bosom, 
 and then sich har ; her step was as light as a panter's, 
 and her breath sweet as a prairie flower. In my opi- 
 nion, the mother of all human natur' warn't an atom 
 slicker model ; she desarved the pick of a whole crea- 
 tion, and I jest felt that I was made a purpose for her! 
 
 " At all the frolicks round the country, down in the 
 Missouri bottom, or up the Osage, Jess was hangin' 
 arter that gal, lookin' honey at her, and pizin at the fel- 
 lars who spoke pleasin' to her. I thort I'd try my hand 
 at makin' him oneasy, so one night, at a frolick, I sidled 
 up to her and axed how she wur, and ef that ailin' nig- 
 ger of her daddy's wur improvin', what 'ud be the pro- 
 bable amount of the old man's tobaccer crop this season, 
 and some other interestin' matters of talk. She said 
 that she was thrivin', as usual, the nigger wur comin' 
 on as well as could be expected, and the old man's crop 
 promised to be purty considerable. Nothin' could be 
 more satisfying so I kept on a talkin', and she got a 
 laffin', and Jess begun a scowlin'. I seed he warn't 
 pleased, but I didn't estimate him very tall, so I kept 
 on, got a dancin' with Sally, and ended by kissin' her 
 
 M 
 
1 34 YALLER PLEDGES, 
 
 * 
 
 good by, that night, and makin' Jess jtai&us as a pet 
 pinter ! 
 
 " I wur agoin to start to Lusiane next day, with a flat 
 load of tobaccer and other groceries, and afore I went, 
 I thort I'd send a present of my pet < bar cub' over to 
 Sally, jest to have a sorter hitch on her till I'd git back ; 
 so I gits my nigger Jim and gins him the followin' note, 
 with the bar cub, and special directions that he wur to 
 give 'em both to Sally, herself: 
 
 " i PANTER CRIK, NEAR BAR DIGGINS, 
 
 Juin twenty 4. 
 
 " C To THE CAPTIVATin' MlSS SALLY SPILLMAN '. 
 
 " 'Your tender adorer, Sam Crowder, sends you the folio win* 
 fust trofy of a hunt on the Osage ; the condition of this bar are 
 somethin 7 like him, the bar are all fat, he are all tenderness ! 
 Hopin' that you will gin up a small corner of your heart to the 
 writer, while he is among the furriners of Lusiane, he will ever 
 remember you, and be sure not to furgit to bring a pledge of 
 affection from the sunny south, to bind our openin 7 loves. 
 
 " l Yours, with stream, or agin it, 
 " ' SAM CROWDER. 
 
 " I studdyed that out with considerable difficulty, and 
 writ it with more, and < stick me on a sand-bar' ef that 
 Jess didn't way-lay Jim and read the note ! Maybe it 
 didn't stir up the alluvial bottom of his love fur Sally 
 the varmint's countenance looked as riled as the old 
 Missouri in a June rise. 
 
 " Off I started next day, with my flat, for the impo- 
 rium of the south, and as I war floating along, I couldn't 
 help turnin' over in my mind what a scrougin smart 
 family the Crowders would be, when Sally and I agreed 
 upon annexation. I jest thort I could see < young Sam,' 
 the fust boy, standin' on the other eend of the flat, strong 
 
n spry as a catamount fair 
 as Sally and keen as his daddy I swar, I yelled rite 
 out, thinkin' on it. 
 
 " While I was in this way rollin' in clover, by pic- 
 turin' what, was to be, they wur tarin' my character all 
 to chitlins up at home. My perlite note was raisin' a 
 parfect freshet of wrath agin me. That display of 
 larnin', about bringin' home a pledge of affection, from 
 the sunny south, most onaccountably overset my whole 
 family prospects. It wur a stumper to Sally, so she got 
 Jess to explain it, and the way he did it was enormous. 
 
 " < Why, don't you see,' ses Jess, < he means to 
 bring you up one of his nigger children, from the south, 
 to nuss! Nothing can be plainer thar aint no other 
 'pledges of affection' than children, that I know on.' 
 
 "Well, I swar ef she didn't believe him. 
 
 " < The nasty dog,' ses Sally, < does he think I'm 
 agoin to nuss any of his yaller pledges ef them thar is 
 all he's got to offer, he aint wuth shucks, and ef you 
 don't lick him fur his onmannerly note, you aint wuth 
 shucks, nuther.' 
 
 " Not dreamin' of the row at home, I was a huntin' 
 through Noo Orlins fur presents fur Sally. I bought a 
 roll of ribbon, a pocket full of lace, and a bran new, 
 shinin' silk parasol, and was comin' along, slow and 
 easy, by the St. Louis Exchange, when I heerd Major 
 Beard cryin' off a lot of field hands. I jest sauntered 
 in as he was puttin' up a picanninny < yaller gal,' about 
 five years old. The little gal had no mammy livin', 
 and looked sorter sickly, so nobody seemed anxious to 
 git her. I hollered fifty dollars, and the little creatur' 
 brightened up when she seed who was a biddin' ; I 
 didn't look like a sugar or cotton planter, and the crea- 
 
% v V 
 
 136 V^^%. YALLERv PLEDGES, 
 
 \ <lteAKS^ N >x 
 
 tur' seemed glad that I warn't. Some cotton fellar here 
 bid sixty dollars, and she wilted rite down I thort 
 what a slick present she'd be fur Sally, and how well 
 she'd do to tend the children, so I sung out seventy 
 dollars ; she knew my voice, and I could see her eyelids 
 trimble. No sooner did the Major drop the hammer 
 on seventy dollars, than she looked wuth a hundred, 
 she was so pleased at my buyin' her. She was a nice 
 little creatur', but her har was oncommon straight. 
 
 " I started up home next day, with my purchases, and 
 sich a time as I had on the way. I got dreamin' so 
 - strong about bein' married to Sally, that I was etarnally 
 w r akin' up huggin' and kissin' the pillows, as ef they 
 wur gals at a huskin'. At last I got home, tickled all 
 to death at my future prospects. I met Jess at the 
 landin' he gin me a starr, looked at the little yaller 
 gal, and then spread himself with a guffaw, as ef he wur 
 goin' into fits. I riled up a little, but thought thar wur 
 time enough to sarve him out, so I passed on. The 
 fellars ijri the settlement seemed to be allfired pleased 
 at my gittin' back, fur they kept a grinnin' and bowin' 
 and lookin' at my little yaller gal. 
 
 " Wont you take a little suthin', Sam,' said Jim 
 Belt, the grocery keeper. 
 
 " 'Not now, I thank you, Jim, ses I.' 
 
 " < What, you aint agoin' in fur temperance pledges, 
 too, are you ?' asked Jim, and then the boys all holler'd 
 as ef they'd bust thar heads. 
 
 " 'Not ex-a-c-t-ly!' ses I, rather slow, tryin' all the 
 time to find out what the fun war, but I couldn't get it 
 through my kiverin' of har, so I gin it up and went 
 home. Next day thar wur to be a campmeetin' down 
 in the bottom, and all the boys and gals wur agoin' to 
 
YALLER PLEDGES. * 137 
 
 it ; so, to make a shine with Sally, I sent over word that 
 I would call that mornin' and bring with me my fust 
 pledge of affection, meanin' the parasol, and hoped it 
 would be to her mind both in textur and color. Back 
 came this note in anser : 
 
 " <KUNE HOLLER, Juli 8. 
 < l Miss Spillman's compliments 
 
 " l To Sam Crowder, Esq.; the fust pledge of his affections is a 
 little too yaller, and the textur of its har is too tight a curl, and, 
 more'n that, she aint ambitious to hev any of his pledges ef tha 
 wur all white. 
 
 " f SALLY SPILLMAN,' 
 
 " I nigh onto bust with madness ! I could feel every 
 har on rny head kindlin' at the eend, 'cause I knew 
 sum cussed lie had been told her, and I blamed Jess fur 
 'doin' it. I jest swar a bible oath, I'd spile his pictur' 
 so he couldn't enjoy campmeetin' much ; so next mornin,' 
 bright and airly, I accidentally fell in with Jess, goin' 
 arter Sally, with all his Sunday kiverin' on, lookin' as 
 nice as a < stall fed two year old.' I rite up and asked 
 him what he meant by tellin' lies to the galls about me ; 
 that I'd hearn on 'em all over the settlement. 
 
 " <I haint told no lie on you,' ses Jess, 'fur what's 
 told, you told yourself ef you hev nigger babies in the 
 south, you needn't insult decent white gals by offerin' 
 to let 'em nuss 'em ' 
 
 "I didn't wait till he finished afore I hit him, biff, 
 alongside of his smeller, and went into him all-fours, 
 catamount fashion. The thing had now cum to a 
 win din' up pint this fight war to eend the matter about 
 Sally, and as I didn't want to gin her up easy, I laid 
 myself out fur a'purty long spell. I could soon see by 
 the way Jess went to work that he'd kalculated upon a 
 18 M2 
 
133 YALLER PLEDGES. 
 
 pretty big chunk of a fight, too, so we both began to 
 save ourselves. I had a leetle the advantage of Jess, 
 for he didn't want to spile his Sunday fix-ups, while I 
 didn't care a cuss fur my old boat suit. When I'd grab 
 his trowsers and gin 'em a hitch, he'd ease off, and then 
 I'd lend him a staggerer, which was generally follered 
 by his makin' me fly round like a weazel cre-a-tion, 
 how tough he war ! 
 
 " While we wur bavin' a rite smart time together, 
 nary one of us seed Sally ridin' along down the wagin 
 track, lookin' out fur Jess, but she seed us, hitched her 
 horse, and climbed onto a stump to see the fight out. 
 As I war carfully reachin' fur Jess' ear with my grinders, 
 I heerd her sing out 
 
 " < Tech it ef you dar! you nigger cannibal !' 
 
 " Her hollerin' gin Jess an advantage and helped his 
 strength powerfully, fur the next minitl war on my back 
 and him right astraddle on me. 
 
 " < Sock your teeth into him, Jess !' screamed Sally, 
 and about then, je-e-e-miny fellars, I leaped as ef 
 lightnin' had hit me, fur his grinders had met through 
 the flesh she called his attention to. I squirmed, and 
 struggled, and chawed meat, but he held on I grabbed 
 his new trowsers, and tore them like paper he was 
 agoin to let go to kiver his coat tails over the torn place, 
 but Sally hollered out agin 
 
 < Whip the varmint fust and then I'll mend 'em up! 7 
 
 I squealed enough! rite out it warn't no use a 
 fightin' agin such odds. Arter Jess let me up, Sally 
 looked at me, and puckered up her mouth as ef she had 
 been eatin' unripe persimmons 
 
 < Enough /' ses she, 'well, may I git ager fits, ef 
 you're fit fur anythiu' but to be the father of yaller 
 pledges r " 
 

 'Enough'." 1 ses she; " Well, may I git ager fits, ef you're fit fur anythm" but 
 to be the father of yaller pledges. n ' 
 
GEORGE MUNDAY, 
 
 THE HATLESS PROPHET. 
 
 THIS odd character has lately favored the west with a 
 visit, and during two successive evenings he edified 
 audiences, numbering about a thousand persons, in the 
 rotunda of the St. Louis court-house. Some took him 
 for the Wandering Jew, and as he inveighed against the 
 evils of these modern days, they looked at him with a 
 feeling of awe. One day opposite the Planter's house, 
 during a military parade, George was engaged selling 
 his edition of the " Advocate of Truth," when a tall 
 hoosier, who had been gazing at him with astonish- 
 ment for some time, roared out in an immoderate fit of 
 laughter. 
 
 "What do you see so funny in me, to laugh at?" 
 inquired George. 
 
 " Why, hoss," said the hoosier, " I wur jest a thinldn' 
 ef I'd seed you out in the woods, with all that liar on, 
 they would a been the d dest runnin' done by this 
 coon ever seen in them diggins you're ekill to the 
 elephant! and a leetle the har-yest small man I've seen 
 scart up lately." 
 
 A sight at George, on his western tour, has brought 
 to my recollection an anecdote, which entitles him to a 
 place in our collection of odd characters ; it occurred 
 several years since, in Philadelphia, and the writer was 
 an eye witness of the occurrence. 
 
 George's favorite neighborhood for " holding forth," 
 w r as in and about the famous old " State House," where, 
 
 139 
 
140 GEORGE MUNDAY. 
 
 bare-headed with unshorn beard, and adorned with a 
 simple wooden cross, he, in a few moments, would col- 
 lect a crowd. At length the police arrested him, for 
 obstructing the passage, and George was sent to the 
 Aims-House. In a few days, he escaped from the in- 
 stitution, and, boiling with indignation, hastened back 
 to his old haunt, to lay his grievances before the people. 
 Having provided himself with a couple of gimlets, he 
 entered the building, raised the large window above 
 the back entrance, and, placing himself on the old- 
 fashioned entablature over the door-way, (the same spot 
 where the Declaration of Independence was read from,) 
 he shut down the window behind him, securing himself 
 from interruption by boring his gimlets through the 
 ' sash, into the frame. Then, with much solemnity, he 
 proceeded to paraphrase the " Declaration," applying 
 it to his own particular case. The scene was truly 
 ludicrous. Below, was one of the high constables 
 and an assistant policeman, together with a numerous 
 crowd of curious hearers. 
 
 "When, in the course of human events" began 
 George. 
 
 " Will you come down from there?" demanded the 
 constable. 
 
 "A long train of abuses and takings up without 
 authority, " 
 
 " Aint you a comin'; now? if you don't I'll bring 
 you," threatened authority. 
 
 " Our mayor, like the kings of old, set upon us 
 swarms of corrupt and drunken officers to put the pro- 
 phets of truth into pestilential abodes." 
 
 "Now, do, George, stop your lingo that's a good 
 fellow," said the officer, coaxingly, seeing that the usual 
 
GEORGE MUNDAY. i4l 
 
 means of reaching the offender were cut off; " and come 
 down without bother." 
 
 Look up !" shouted the indignant advocate of truth, 
 " look up, you stiff-necked, corrupt son of Belial !. 
 you dog in office ! you, that belch forth the corrupt 
 effluvium of liquid death, commonly styled rum! you 
 are the chief of a band of authorised knaves, composed 
 of evil expounders of the law, otherwise called pettifog* 
 gers, and certain other rogues in office, who are styled 
 " the police." You lead captive the senses of the 
 mayor, who is as much bridled by your wickedness as 
 the beast of the same name ! you cause him by your 
 false tongues to do evil, but, there is a day coming 
 there is ! when, at a bar where your credit has long 
 since been chalked out, I'll make an affidavy will knock 
 you so far into the regions of darkness, that the final 
 trump will sound like a penny whistle to your ear ! do 
 you hear that!" 
 
 The policeman did hear that, but his amiability could 
 stand it no longer ; so, procuring a watchman's ladder, 
 he commenced climbing to the prophet, who coolly 
 unscrewed his gimblets, hoisted the window, lifted up 
 his robes, and, shouting woe to the wicked," beat a 
 successful retreat. 
 
COURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW. 
 
 " COURTIN' is all slick enough when every body's 
 agreed, and the gal aint got no mischief in her, but 
 when an extensive family, old maids, cross daddy, and 
 a romantic old mommy, all want to put thur fingers 
 into the young uns dish of sweet doin's, and the gal's 
 fractious besides, why a fellar that's yearnin' arter mat- 
 rimony is mity likely to git his fires dampened, or bust 
 his biler." 
 
 Thus reasoned Tom Bent to a select party of river 
 cronies, who were seated around him upon the boiler 
 deck of a Mississippi steamer, as she sped along one 
 bright night in June, somewhere in the neighborhood 
 of Bayou Teche. The subject was courting, and on 
 that particular question Tom was considered an oracle, 
 for, besides having a strong penchant for the fair sex, he 
 had run many risks to ingratiate himself in their affec- 
 tions. Tom was now fast falling into the sear and yel- 
 low leaf of bachelorism, and although he had vowed 
 unalterable affection to at least one fair one in each 
 town between the mouth and the rapids, he still re- 
 mained in unblessed singleness. 
 
 " How about that afarr of your'n with old Fecho's 
 gal, in St. Louis, Tom?" inquired one of the circle. 
 
 " What, that little French gal ?" inquired Tom, with 
 a grin ; " well, that thar was a salty scrape, boys, and 
 though the laugh is agin me thar, I'm blessed if I don't 
 gin you the sarcumstince." So Tom squared himself 
 for a yarn, wet his lips with a little corn juice, took a 
 small strip of Missouri weed, and "let out." 
 
 142 
 
COURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW. 143 
 
 That gal of old Fecho's wur about the pootyest 
 creatur, fur a foreigner, I ever took a shute arter ; her 
 eyes jest floated about in her head like a star's shadow 
 on a Mississippi wave, and her model was as trim as 
 the steamer Eagle, 'sides, her paddles wur the cleanest 
 shaped fixins that ever propelled anythin' human, and 
 her laugh rung like a challenge bell on a * fast trip' it 
 couldn't be beat* She run into my affecshuns, and I 
 couldn't help it. I danced with her at some on the 
 balls in Frenchtown, and thar I gin to edge up and talk 
 tender at her, but she ony laughed at my sweet'nin'. 
 Arter a spell, when I cum it strong about afFecshun, 
 and the needcessity of towin' side and side together, 
 she told me that her old daddy wouldn't let her marry 
 an American ! Ef I warn't snagged at this, I wouldn't 
 say so. The old fellar wur a sittin' on a bench smokin' 
 and lookin' on at the dance, and I jest wished him a 
 hot berth for a short spell. < Well, Marie,' said I, ef 
 I melt the old man down will you gin in ?' 
 
 " < Oh,' says she, < you so vair strong at de vat you 
 call coax, I shall not know how to say von leetel no.' 
 
 " So havin' fixed it all with her smooth as a full 
 freight and a June rise, I drew up alongside of the old 
 fellar, jest as he had cleared his chimley for a fresh draw 
 of his pipe. Old Fecho had been a mountain trader, 
 was strong timbered, not much the worse fur wear, and 
 looked wicked as a tree'd bear. I fired up and gene- 
 rated an inch or two more steam, and then blew off at 
 him. < That's an onconscionable slick gal of your'n, 
 Mounseer,' says I, to begin with, and it did tickle his 
 fancy to have her cracked up, 'cause he thought her 
 creation's finishin' touch, so did I) < Oui, sair,' says 
 
144 COURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW. 
 
 old Fecho, < she vair fine leetel gal, von angel wizotit 
 de ving, she is, sair, mine only von filleS 
 
 " ' Well, she is a scrougerf answered I, < a parfect 
 high pressure, and no dispute !' 
 
 " < Vat you mean by him, eh ? vat you call 
 s-c-r-r-r-ouge, eh? vat is he, sair, my leetel gal no vat 
 you call von s-c-r-r-r-ouge, sair !' and here old Fecho 
 went off into a mad fit, jes? as ef I'd called her bad 
 names. I tried to put down his < safety valve,' but he 
 would blow off his wrath, and workin' himself into a 
 parfect freshet of rage, he swore he would take the little 
 gal off home ; and I'm blessed ef he didn't. As soon 
 as I eyed the old fellar startin' I got in his wake and 
 follered him, detarmined to find out whar he located, 
 and arter an eternal long windin' through one street arter 
 another, down he dived into French Hollow. Jest as 
 he wur about to enter a house built agin the side of the 
 hill, the old fellar heered my footsteps, and turnin' 
 round in the darkness, he shouted 
 
 "<Ah, ha! von sneak Yankee doodel, vat call my 
 leetel gall von s-c-r-r-r-ouger, I shall cut you all up into 
 von leetel piece vidout von whole.' 
 
 " You know, boys, I aint easy skeer'd, but I own up 
 that old fellar did kind a make me skeery ; they told 
 sich stories about the way he used to skin Ingins, that 
 I gin to think it was about best to let him have both 
 sides of the channel ef he wanted it, so I didn't darr go 
 to see Marie fur a long spell. One day I felt a strong 
 hankerin', and jest strolled along the holler to git a 
 glimpse' on her, and sure enough thar she wur, a leanin' 
 out the winder, smilin' like the mornin' sun on a sleep- 
 in' bayou. I sidled up to the house, and asked her ef I 
 darr cum and sit up with her that evenin'. I told her 
 
COURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW. 145 
 
 I was jest fritterin' away all to nothin' thinkin' on her, 
 and a small mite of courtin' would spur me up amazing 
 and then I gin her sich a look, that she fluttered into 
 consent as easy as a mockin' bird whistles. 
 
 " c Oh, ouij you shall come sometime dis night, when 
 mon pere is gone to de cabaret ; but you must be vair 
 quiet as von leetel rat, vat dey call de mouse, and go 
 vay before he come back to de maison.' 
 
 "In course I promised to do jest as she said. I kissed 
 my hand to her, and said aur ravoir, as the French 
 .say for good by, and then paddled off* to wait for night. 
 I felt wuss than oneasy until the time arriv, and when it 
 did git round I gin to crawl all over I swar I was a 
 leetle skeered. Hows'ever, it warn't manly to back out 
 now when the gal was expectin' me, so I started for 
 the Hollow. I think a darker night was never mixed 
 up and spread over this yearth you remember, Bill, 
 the night you steered the old Eagle square into the bank 
 at Milliken's bend ? well, it \\ r ur jest a mite darker than 
 that! A muddy run winds along through the ravine 
 whar the house stands, and I wur particularly near flop- 
 pin' into it several times. A piece of candle in the 
 winder lighted me to whar the little gall was a waitin', 
 and when I tapped at the door below, she pattered down 
 and piloted me up to the sittin' room, whar we sot dow^ 
 and took a good look at each other. She looked pooty 
 enough to tempt a fellar to bite a piece out on her. I 
 had all sorts of good things made up to say when a 
 chance offered, and here the chance wur, but cuss me^ 
 ef I could get out the fust mutter. Whether it wur 
 skeer at the idee of the old Frenchman, or a bilin' up 
 of affecshun fur his darter that stuck my throat so tight, 
 I'm unable to swar, but thar I wur, like a boat fast on 
 19 N 
 
146 CbURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW. 
 
 a sand-bar, blowin' some, but makin' mity little head- 
 way. 
 
 " ' Vat is de mattair wiz you, Mounseer ?' said Marie, 
 < you look vair much like de leaf in von grand storm, 
 all ovair wiz de shake !' 
 
 " < Well, 3 says I, < I do feel as ef I wur about to col- 
 lapse a flue, or bust my biler, for the fact of the marter 
 is, Marie, they say your old daddy's a tiger, and ef I 
 git caught here thar'll be suthin' broke a buryin' in- 
 stead of a weddin' ; not that I'm the least mite skeered 
 fjar myself, but the old man might git hurt, and I should 
 be fretted to do any sech a thing.' 
 
 " C 0h, mon amie, .nevair be fear fur him, he is von 
 great, strong as vat you call de gentleman cow ? von 
 bull, but, mon Dieu! wiiat shall I do wiz you, sup- 
 pose he come, eh? He vill cut you into bits all ovair!' 
 
 " < But, my angel,' ses I, < he shant ketch me, fur I'll 
 streak it like a fast boat, the moment I hear steam from 
 his scape-pipe the old man might as well try to catch 
 a Massissippi catty with a thread line, as git his fingers 
 on me.' I had no sooner said so, than bang! went the 
 door below, and old Fecho, juicy as a melon, came 
 feelin' his way up stairs, mutterin' like a small piece of 
 fat thunder, and swarin' in French, orfully. I know'd 
 thar warn't much time to spare, so I histed the winder 
 and backed out. Jest as I was about to drop, Marie 
 says to me < Oh, mon Dieu ! don't drop into de veil /' 
 and instanter shut the winder. My har riz on eend in 
 a moment < donH drop into the wdlT I'll tell you 
 what, boys, a souse into the Massissippi in ice time 
 warn't half as cold as her last warnin' made me. It was 
 so etarnal dark that I couldn't begin to tell which side 
 of the buildin' I wair on, and that wur an all important 
 
COURTING IN FRENCH HOLLOW. 147 
 
 perticuler, fur it wur je*t three stories high on one side, 
 towards the Hollow, and it warn't only one on the side 
 next the hill in course, all the chances wur in favor of 
 the well bein' on the low side. I'd gin all I had then 
 to know which side was waitin' below fur me. I looked 
 up, as I hung on, to see ef thar warn't a star shiniri' 
 somewhare, jest to give a hint of what was below, but 
 they'd all put on thar night caps, and wouldn't be 
 coaxed from under the kiver ; then I'd look below, and 
 listen, until I made sartin in my mind that I could hear 
 the droppin' of water, somewhare about fifty feet below 
 me ! Old Fecho was a tearin 5 through the room, and 
 a rippin' out French oaths, in an oncommon rapid man- 
 ner, and declarin' that he knew some one had bin thar, 
 fur he'd bin told so. Two or three times he appeared 
 to be a rushin' for the winder, and the little gal would 
 coax him back agin, and then he'd cuss de Yankee 
 doodels, and grit his teeth most owdaciously. Well, 
 ef I warn't in an oneasy situation all this time, then I'm 
 more than human my arms jest stretched out to about 
 a yard and a half in length, and gin to cramp and git 
 orful weak. I couldn't fur the life of me think on any 
 prayer I'd ever heerd at last, jest as one hand was 
 givin' way its hold, I thort of a short one I used to say 
 when I was a younker, and mutterin' < Here I drop 
 me down deep, I pray the Lord my bones to keep!' I 
 sot my teeth together, drew a long breath, shut my eyes, 
 and let go! whiz !r-r-r-ip ! bang! I went as I 
 supposed about fifty feet; and didn't I holler, when I 
 lit and rolled over, and the water soused all round me ! 
 < Murder! oh, git me out, oh-o-o-o, murder! The 
 people came a rushin' out of their houses, with lights, 
 and sich another jargon of questions as they showered 
 
148 THE SECOND ADVENT. 
 
 at me askin', all together, who'd bin a stabbin' me? 
 what wur the marter ? and who'd hit me ? I opened 
 my eyes to tell 'em I'd fell from the third story, and 
 broke every bone in my body, when, on lookin' up, 
 thar wur the old Frenchman and his darter, grinnin' out 
 of the top winder, about ten feet above me ! The fact 
 wur, boys, I'd dropped out on the hill side of the house, 
 and jumped down jest four feet from whar my toes 
 reached, I had lit on the edge of a water pail, and it 
 flowed about me when I fell over ! Arter old Fecho 
 told them the joke, they pretty nigh busted a larfin' at 
 me. I crawled off, arter firin' a volly at old Mounseer, 
 of the hardest kind of cusses, and from that day to this 
 I han't gone a courtin' in French Hollow ! 
 
 THE SECOND ADVENT! 
 
 TOM BANGALL, THE ENGINEER, AND MILLERISM. 
 
 ABOUT the period fixed upon by Father Miller, for the 
 general blowing up of the world, some of the engineers 
 upon our western waters, who had been used to blowing 
 up its inhabitants, became a little frightened at the 
 prospect of having to encounter, in another world, the 
 victims of steamboat disaster. Among these was Tom 
 BangalT, the engineer of the Arkansas Thunder. Tom 
 was a rearing, tearing, bar state scrouger could chaw 
 up any single specimen of the human race any quantity 
 of tobacco, and drink steam without flinching! A col- 
 lapsed flue had blown him once somewhere in the alti- 
 tude*of an Alpine height, but dropped him unharmed 
 
THE SECOND ADVENT. ' 149 
 
 into the Arkansas, and he used to swear that after the 
 steam tried to jerk him apart and found it couldn't do 
 it, why, it just dropped the subject, as the stump speakers 
 say, by dropping him into the " drink" he therefore in- 
 continently set water, hot or cold, at defiance. Tom 
 was, withal, a generous, open-hearted, whole-souled fel- 
 low, and his cheering words to the emigrants on the boiler 
 deck, and many a kind act to a suffering passenger, 
 proved that beneath his rough exterior he had a heart 
 open to gentle influences. As a further proof of this, 
 Tom had a wife, a good wife, too, and what's more he 
 tenderly loved her ; but she in vain tried to cure him 
 of drinking and swearing. Tom swore that he would 
 swear, that a steamboat wouldn't work without some 
 swearing, and if a fellar didn't drink he'd bust, and, 
 therefore, it was necessary to take a lust now and then 
 to keep out of danger. " There is no use," he would 
 say, " in blowing off steam from your 'scape-pipe agin 
 it, for it has to be did!" 
 
 One day on Tom's return home, he found Mrs. Mary 
 Bangall weeping bitterly, and Tom became, instantly, 
 correspondingly distressed. 
 
 "Why, Polly," inquired he, " what's the matter, 
 gal ? what's hurt you ? is anythin' broke loose that 
 can't be mended? what the thunder makes you take 
 on so ? Come, out with the cause, or I shall git a 
 blubberin' too." 
 
 " Only look here, Tom," said Mary, " here's a whole 
 account of how the world is going to be destroyed this 
 April. Every thing has been counted up by Father 
 Miller, and the sum total's a general burn ! Now, Tom, 
 don't swear, nor drink any more or you won't be^able 
 to stand the fire no more than gunpowder!" 
 
 N2 
 
150 i THE SECOND ADVENT. 
 
 Tom indulged in a regular guffaw at her distress, 
 and told her she was a fool to be frightened at that 
 it was all moonshine humbug smoke, that Father 
 Miller was an old granny, and it warn't possible any- 
 how he warn't afraid of fire, so it might fire away /" 
 
 "But, Tom," continued Mary, "let me read to you 
 the proof it's irresistible, Tom, the times and the 
 half times, are so correctly added up that there can be 
 no mistake, and if you don't make some preparation we 
 will be separated for ever." 
 
 The idea of a separation from Mary troubled Tom, 
 but full of incredulity he sat down to listen, more to 
 please her, and find something in the adding up of the 
 catastrophe that would upset it. Mary commenced 
 reading, and Tom quietly listening, but as she read the 
 awful evidences of a general conflagration, the signs of 
 the times, the adding up of the times, the proof of their 
 meaning, and the dreadful consequences of being un- 
 prepared with ascension robes, Tom grew serious, and 
 at length looked a little frightened. He didn't want 
 Mary to see its effect upon him, and so assumed an over 
 quantity of indifference, but it was useless for him to 
 attempt hiding his feelings from her prying eyes she 
 saw Miller's doctrine was grinding a hopper of fear in 
 Tom's heart, and felt glad to see its effect. When she 
 ceased he remarked, with a half- frightened laugh, that 
 Father Miller ought to be burnt for thus trying to frighten 
 people, and, " as for them eastern fellars, they are half 
 their life crazy any how!" 
 
 Having tried thus to whisper unconcern to his troubled 
 spirit, Tom set out for the boat, with the firm resolve, 
 if he^caught a Millerite to save him from the threatened 
 burning by drowning him, for disseminating any such 
 
THE SECOND ADVENT. 151 
 
 fiery doctrines. When he got on board he told the 
 captain what had transpired at home, how his wife 
 had got hold of a Miller document from a travelling dis- 
 ciple, and, as well as he could, rehearsed the awful 
 contents which she had read to him. The captain, ob- 
 serving the effect they had produced on Tom, seriously 
 answered that the matter looked squally, and he was 
 afraid them documents were all too true. 
 
 " True !" shouted Tom, " why, you aint green enough 
 to swallow 7 any such yarn its parfectly rediculous to 
 talk about burnin' every thing up. I'd like to see old 
 Miller set fire to the Massissippi!" 
 
 "Its no funny matter, Tom," replied the captain, 
 " and if you keep going on this way you will find it so." 
 
 "Here, give us somethin' to drink!" shouted Tom 
 to the bar-keeper, (he began to get terrified at the 
 serious manner with which the captain treated Millerism) 
 "come, Bill," said he, addressing the clerk, "let's 
 take a drink." 
 
 The clerk, who was a wag, saw through the captain's 
 .joke in a minute and when he winked at him, refused 
 to taste, adding as an apology that " on the eve of so 
 awful an event as the destruction of the world, he couldn't 
 daringly indulge as he formerly did, so he must excuse* 
 him." 
 
 "Well, go to h 11, then," says Tom, half mad. 
 
 The captain sighed, and the clerk put his hand upon 
 his heart, and turned his eyes upward, as if engaged in 
 inward prayer for his wicked friend. Tom swallowed 
 his glass, and bestowing a fierce look upon the pair 
 remarked, that " they couldn't Cume any of them thar 
 shines over him, he wasn't any of that chicken breed /" 
 
 " Poor fellow," muttered the captain. 
 
152 THE SECOND ADVENT. 
 
 Alas! Thomas," chimed in the clerk. 
 
 Tom slammed the cabin door after him as he went 
 out to descend below, swearing at the same time that 
 all the rest of the world were turning damned fools as 
 well as old Miller. 
 
 . Steam was raised and the Thunder started. For a 
 time Tom forgot the predicted advent, but every time 
 he came up to the bar to get a drink, the serious look 
 of the captain and the solemn phiz of the clerk, threw a 
 cold chill over him, and made him savage with excite- 
 ment. Every passenger appeared to be talking about 
 Millerism, besides, a waggish friend of the captain's, a 
 passenger on board, having been informed of the engi- 
 neer's state of mind, passed himself off as a preacher of 
 the doctrine, and talked learnedly on the prophecies 
 whenever the engineer was nigh. It was comic to see 
 the fierce expression of their victim's countenance, and 
 how, in spite of himself, he would creep up to the cir- 
 cles where they were discussing the Second Advent, 
 and listen with all ears to the rehearsal of its terrible 
 certainty, then making for the bar, take another drink, 
 and thrusting his hands deep into his pockets start down 
 to the engine, with a scowl upon his swart countenance 
 that would almost start a flue head from its fastenings. 
 
 " I'd quit this boat," said Tom to his assistant, " if 
 it warn't so near 'the 25th of April,' cuss me if I'd 
 stay aboard another minit, fur captain and all hands are 
 a set of cowardly pukes /" 
 
 " Why, what's the 25th of April got to do with your 
 leavin', Tom?" inquired his partner. 
 
 "Nothin' particular, but if this confounded blow up 
 or burn up should come off on that day, I wan't to be 
 on the river its safer; but if I should leave now I 
 
THE SECOND ADVENT. 153 
 
 couldn't get on another boat by that time, and then I'd 
 be in a hot fix." 
 
 Here was a tacit confession by Tom, that he thought 
 there was danger, and that there might be some truth 
 in old Miller's prediction. The fact of his fears was 
 forthwith communicated to the captain and clerk by 
 Tom's partner, and his sufferings became increased 
 he could hear no sounds but advent Miller blow-up 
 dreadful destruction ! until his suspense became so 
 horrible, that he wished for any termination so it would 
 put an end to his dread. His partner ventured to in- 
 crease his uneasiness by talking to him on the subject, 
 but Tom threatened, to brain him if he said anything 
 about it in his presence he remarked that " the noise 
 of the engine was his only peace, and no frightened, 
 lubberly sucker should disturb it by talking Millerism 
 if Miller was a goin' to burn the world, why, let him 
 
 b*urn and be (here, Tom for the first time checked 
 
 an oath, and finished the sentence with) never mind, 
 just let him burn, that's all." 
 
 Starting up to the bar, without looking to right or 
 left, he presented a bottle, had it filled with liquor and 
 retreated, resolved to go as little as possible near either 
 captain or clerk, for their solemn looking faces were 
 contagious they looked disaster. 
 
 At length the 25th of April dawned, and with its ad- 
 vancing hours Tom got tight, that is to say, so near 
 intoxicated that he could only move around with ex- 
 treme difficulty he knew what he was about, but very 
 little more. Sundry mutterings which he gave voice 
 to, now and then, proclaimed the spirit at work within, 
 and it would say : 
 
 " Burn, ha ! burn up, will it ? goin' to take a regu- 
 20 
 
154 THE SECOND ADVENT. 
 
 lar bust and blow itself out! Great world, this! 
 g-r-e-a-t world, and a nice little fire it will be !" Then, 
 thinking of Mary, he would continue " Poor Mary 
 what a shock it will be to her, but she's on the safe side, 
 for she belongs to meetin' ;" and then he would get 
 wrathy " Let the old world burn, and go to splintered 
 lightnin' who cares ? The captain and clerk's got on 
 the safe side, too, they're afraid of the fire, eh?" 
 Then he would cautiously emerge from his place by the 
 engine, and peep out upon the sky, to see if the work 
 of destruction was about to commence, and then return- 
 ing, take another pull at the whiskey, until, by his fre- 
 quent libations, he not only got blu, but every thing he 
 looked at was multiplying he was surrounded by a 
 duplicate set of machinery even his fist, that he shook 
 at the intruding cylinder and piston rod, became doubled 
 before his eyes, and all assumed the color of a brimstone 
 blue! Tom became convinced, in his own mind, thai 
 the first stage of the general convulsion had commenced! 
 
 " Hello ! back her !" shouted the captain, " give her 
 a lick back ! starboard wheel, there !" 
 
 "It's all up, now," muttered Tom, "let's see you 
 lick her back out of this scrape," and staggering towards 
 the steam valves, to try the amount of water in the 
 boilers, he fell sprawling ; at that moment the boat struck 
 the bank with a bang that shook every timber in her ; 
 the concussion, also, injured a conducting steam-pipe 
 just enough to scald Tom's face and hands severely, 
 without endangering his life. As the stream of hot va- 
 pour hit him, he rolled over, exclaiming : 
 
 " Good God ! it's all up, now!" and soon became 
 utterly insensible 
 
 Tom was picked up and carried into the Social Hall, 
 
THE SECOND ADVENT. 155 
 
 where restoratives were administered to recall him to 
 consciousness, and remedies applied to heal his burns. 
 All gathered in silence and anxiety around his pallet, 
 watching for returning sensibility, the captain and clerk 
 among the number, really grieved at the mishap, which 
 they had no doubt was caused by their jest. While all 
 breathlessly looked on, Tom gave manifestations of re- 
 turning consciousness : of course, with sensibility re- 
 turned feeling, and his burns appealed, most touchingly, 
 to that sense. Twisting himself up, and drawing his 
 breath through his teeth, he slowly remarked : 
 
 "Jest as I thought the d 1's got me, s-l-i-c-k 
 enough, and Pm burnt already to a cinder!" 
 
 There was no resisting this all hands burst into a 
 roar of laughter. Tom couldn't open his eyes, but he 
 could hear, and after they had done laughing, he quietly 
 remarked : 
 
 " These imps are mightily glad because they've got me /" 
 
 Here followed another roar, and when it subsided, the 
 captain approached him, and called his name 
 
 " Tom, old fellow," said he, you're safe!" 
 
 " What, you here, too, captain ? I thought you had 
 jined meetin' and saved your bacon. So they've got 
 you, too, well, a fellar aint alone then." 
 
 Here the clerk spoke to him. 
 
 " What, you, too, Bill ? well, < there's a party of us,' 
 any how, but it's so confounded dark I can't see you, 
 
 and its hotter than (here he checked himself with a 
 
 shudder, and added,) Yes, I'm certain we're thar /" 
 sighing heavily, he murmured "Poor Mary Oh, my 
 Mary." 
 
 By the efforts of the captain and clerk Tom was made 
 to understand the true state of the case, and through 
 
156 SETTLEMENT FUN. 
 
 their kindness and attention, was soon able to return to 
 duty, and though he would after laugh at a jest about 
 old Father Miller, yet he was never again known to 
 drink whiskey. When irritated now, Tom always shuts 
 his lips tight, and chokes down the rising oath. Mary 
 is gratified with the change, although she wept at the 
 severity of the means by which he was converted. 
 
 SETTLEMENT FUN. 
 BILL SAPPER'S LETTER TO HIS COUSIN. 
 
 LIBERTI, Missury, May 6t. 18 forty 5. 
 
 COUSIN JIM, tha aint nuthin' occurred wuth ritin' 
 about in our settlement fur a long spell, but about the 
 beginnin' of last week, thur war a rumor sot afloat in 
 town, which kept the wimen for two or three days in 
 a continooal snigger, and it war half a day afore the 
 men could find out the rights of the marter sech an- 
 uther fease as all the gals got inter, war delightful to 
 contemplate. The boys kept a askin' one anuther, 
 what in the yearth wur the marter, that the gals kept a 
 whisperin' and laffin' round town so at last it cum 
 out ! and what do you think, Jim, wur the marter ? 
 You couldn't guess in a week. It aint no common 
 occurrence, and yet it's mighty natral. Little Jo Allen, 
 the shoemaker, had an addition to his family, amountin' 
 to jest three babbys one boy and two gals ! His wife is 
 a leetle creatur', but I reckon she's " some" in countin' 
 the census, and sech anuther excitement as her little 
 brood of pretty babbys has kicked up among the wimen, 
 
SETTLEMENT FUN. 157 
 
 is perfectly inticin' to bachelors. When the interestin' 
 marter war furst noised about, the wimen wouldn't be- 
 lieve it, but to know the rights of it tha put on thur 
 bonnets and poured down to see little Mrs. Allen, in a 
 parfect stream of curiosity ; and, sure enough, thar tha 
 wur, three raal peert lookin' children, all jest alike. Bein' 
 an acquaintance of Jo's he tuck me in to see his family, 
 and it wur raaly an interestin' sight to see the little 
 creaturs. Thar tha wur, with thur tiny faces aside 
 each other, hevin on the prettiest caps, all made and 
 fixed by the young wimen, as a present to the mother, 
 and then thur infantile lips jest openin', like so many 
 rose buds poutin', while thur bits of hands, transparent 
 as sparmacity, wur a curtin' about and pushin', all 
 doubled up, agin thur little noses, and thur mother all 
 the time lookin' at 'em so peert and pleased, jest as 
 ef she war feelin' in her own mind tha war hard to beat 
 addid to which, thar stood thur daddy, contemplating 
 with a glow of parentil feelin', the whole unanfmous pic- 
 tur ! It aint in me, Jim, to fully describe the univarsel 
 merits of sech a scene, and I guess it couldn't receive 
 raal jestis from any man's pen, 'cept he'd ben the 
 father of twins at least. 
 
 " Gracious me," sed Mrs. Sutton, a very literary 
 womin, who allays talks history on extra occasions, 
 ef that little Mrs. Allen aint ekill to the mother of 
 the Grashi!" 
 
 She looked at little Jo, the daddy, fur a spell, and 
 
 ' tuk to admirin' him so that she could scacely keep her 
 
 hands off on him she hadn't no babbys, poor womin ! 
 
 "Ah, Mister Allen," ses she, "you are suthin' like 
 a husbind you're detarmin'd to descend a name down 
 to 'your ancesters /" 
 
 
 
158 SETTLEMENT FUN. 
 
 
 
 I raaly believe she'd a kissed him ef thur hadn't ben 
 so many wimen thar. The father of the babbys wur 
 mitely tickled at furst, 'cause all the wimen wur a 
 praisin' him, but arter a spell he gin to look skary, for 
 go whar he would he found some wimen tryin' to git 
 a look at him tha jest besieged his shop winder, all 
 the time, and kept peepin' in, and lookin' at him, and 
 askin' his age, and whar he cum from ? At last sum 
 of the gals got so curious tha asked him whar he did 
 cum from, any how, and as soon as he sed Indiana, 
 Dick Mason becum one of the popularest young men 
 in the settlement, among the wimen, jest 'cause he wax 
 from the same state. 
 
 Things went on this way fur a spell, till at last tha 
 heerd of 'em in the country, and the wimen all about 
 found some excuse to come to town to git store goods, 
 jest a purpose to see the babbys and thur parents. The 
 little daddy war wusser plagued now, and they starr'd 
 at him so *hat he couldn't work the fact wur his mind 
 war gittin' troubled, and some of the wimen noticed the 
 skary look he had out of his eyes, and kept a wonderin' 
 what it meant. One mornin' it war noticed by some 
 of the gals that his shop warn't open'd, so tha got in- 
 quirin' about him, and arter a sarch he cum up missin* 
 well, I'm of the opinion thar wur an excitement in 
 town then, fully ekill to the president's election. Every 
 womin started her husbind out arter Jo, with orders 
 not to cum back without him, and sech a scourin' as 
 tha gin the country round would a caught anythin' 
 human it did ketch Jo on his road to Texas ! When 
 tha got him back in the town agin, a committee of 
 married men held a secret talk with him, to larn what 
 the marter wur, that he wanted to clear out, and Jo 
 
L^W^X^ l/ lb ^ 
 
 ^ ^^^^^ *f 
 
 t<f[d ^Tft^thfTTITe^ fWl^fo^Wpt asfarin T at him^p he 
 couldn't work, and ef he war kept from his bisrc^ss, 
 and his family continooed to increase three at a time 
 he'd git so cussed poor he r d starve, and tharfore 
 knew it 'ud be better to clar out, for the wimen would 
 be sure to take good care of his wife and the babbys. 
 
 Old Dr. Wilkins wur appinted by the men to wait on 
 a meetin' of the wimen, and inform them of the fact, 
 that tha wur annoyin' the father of the three babbys, 
 and had amost driven him out'n the settlement. The 
 Doctor, accordin' to appintment, informed the wimen, 
 ^nd arter he had retired tha went into committee of the 
 whole, upon the marter, and appinted three of thur 
 number to report at a meetin', on the next evenin', a 
 set of resolutions tellin' w r hat tha'd do in the premises, 
 and governin' female action in the partickler case of Jo 
 Allen, his little wife, and three beautiful healthy babbys. 
 
 When the hour of meetin' had arriv, Mrs. Sutton's 
 parlors w r ur crowded with the wimen of the settlement, 
 and arter appinten Widder Dent to the cheer tha reported 
 the committee on resolves reddy, and Mrs. Sutton bein' 
 the head of the committee she sot to work and read the 
 followin' drawn up paper : 
 
 Whereas, It has ben sed by the wise Solomon of old 
 that the world must be peopled, tharfore, we hold it to 
 be the inviolate duty of every man to git married, and, 
 moreover, rear up citizens and future mothers to our 
 glorious republick ; and, 
 
 Wliereas, It is gratifyin' to human natur', the world 
 in gineral, Missury at large, and Liberty in partickler, 
 that this settlement has set an example 'to the ancesters 
 of future time, which will not only make the wimen of 
 this enlightened state a pattern for thur children, but a 
 
160 \ % *. SETTLEMtoT FUN. 
 
 nvy t^TEe rSyal 
 
 envy t^TEe rSyalwhen rt>Jt ;<i forgettm' the 
 
 prg*ra mother of the Lions of Ing] and, but will elevate 
 ^affd place in and among the furst families, fur ever here- 
 "arter, the mother that has shed such lustre upon the 
 sex in gineral ; and 
 
 Whereas, It is the melancholy lot of some to be de- 
 prived of doin' thar duty in the great cause of human 
 natur', because the young men is backward about speak- 
 in' out, it is time that some measures be taken inimical 
 to our general prosperity, and encouragin' to the risin' 
 generation of young fellars round town ; tharfore, 
 
 Resolved, That, as married wimen, our sympathies,* 
 like the heavin' of natur's bosom, yearns with admira- 
 tion and respect fur that little womin, Mrs. Allen, and 
 as w r e see her three .dear little babbys, reclinin' upon 
 thur mother's female maternal bosom, our beatin' hearts 
 with one accord wish we could say ditto. 
 
 Resolved, That in -the case of Mrs. Allen we see an 
 illustrious example of the intarnal and extarnal progress 
 of that spreadin' race, the Angel Saxons ; and time will 
 come when the mothers of the west will plant thar 
 glorious shoots from one pinnacle of the Rocky Moun- 
 tains to the tother, and until thar cry of liberti will be 
 hollered from one pint to the next in a continooal 
 skreech ! 
 
 Resolved, That Mister Joseph Allen, the father of 
 these three dear little babbys, shall receive a monument 
 at his deth, and while he is livin', the wimen shall ony 
 visit his shop once a \veek to look at him, 'cept the 
 married wimen, who shall be permitted to see him 
 twice a week and no offener, pervided and exceptin 5 
 tha want to git measured fur a par of shoes. 
 
 Resolved, Mister Joseph Allen shall hev the custom 
 
DOING ?) A LANDLORD. 161 
 
 of the whole settlement, for he is a glorious livin' ex- 
 ample of a dotin' husbind. 
 
 Arter these resolutions had ben unanimously passed, 
 Mrs. Sutton addressed the meetin', in a stream of ele- 
 gance, wharin she proved, clar as a whistle, that a 
 family war the furst consideration fur a settler in a new 
 country and town lots the arter question. " She ac- 
 knowledged the corn," she sed, " that it war soothin' 
 to look offen at thur neighbor Allen, but his peace of 
 mind war the property of his family, and she hoped the 
 ladies wouldn't disturb it, 'cause the loss of sech a 
 husbind, would be a sufferin' calamity to the settlement" 
 
 The raeetin' adjourned, and Jo went back to work, 
 singin' and whistlin' as happy as usual, and ever sence 
 he's had a parfect shower of work, for the gals all round 
 the country keep goin' to him to git measured, tha say 
 he desarves to be incouraged. 
 
 Your furst Cousin, 
 
 BILL SAPPER. 
 
 "DOING" A LANDLORD. 
 
 A STORY OF SHAPE AND TALENT. 
 
 TOM C. H , Esq., a genius, whose ideas of life 
 
 were on such a magnificent scale that they outran his 
 interest, capital and all, was seated upon the porch 
 of a fashionable hotel, in a large eastern village, 
 one bright Monday morning, cogitating how, in the 
 nature of things, it was possible for him to compass a 
 dinner. The long score, unpaid, which stood recorded 
 
162 DOING " A LANDLORD. 
 
 on the books within, precluded the idea of getting one 
 there without the tin, and numerous searches through 
 sundry pockets about his person were unrewarded by a 
 single shiner. The case was desperate, but great minds 
 are always equal to great emergencies, and Tom's was 
 of that order. His coat had been renovated by a scourer, 
 for whom he had written a love letter, his hat had 
 been ironed by a good-natured hatter, who had enjoyed 
 his custom in better days, a new coat of japan varnish 
 had been lavished upon his cane, his dicky w r as passable, 
 and no gentleman would think of examining the extre* 
 mities of his covering, or pry into the shifts he had been 
 put to for a shirt. Tom thought himself passable, and 
 he resolved to pass off' for a dinner, if possible. A 
 stranger lolling easily on a settee near him looked vul- 
 nerable, and Tom, approaching him in a very bland and 
 friendly manner, remarked : 
 
 " Excuse me, sir, but you look so like an old friend 
 
 of mine, J. B , who has resided for years in the 
 
 south, that I can't help addressing you." 
 
 " I am from the south, sir," answered the stranger, 
 courteously, "but not the person you speak of know 
 him, however, and am pleased to encounter a friend 
 of his." 
 
 " That's it," said Tom to himself, got him as easy 
 as rolling off a log!" 
 
 An animated conversation ensued, which ended by 
 Tom being asked to dine, and when the gong pro- 
 claimed the table spread, in walked the stranger and 
 Tom, arm-in-arm, large as life and twice as natural. He 
 called the waiters with an air of ease, passed the stranger's 
 wine with friendly freedom, laughed musically, jested 
 with spirit, wiped his mouth with grace, and, in short, 
 
"DOING" A LANDLORD. 163 
 
 completely captivated the southerner. During the 
 period of Tom's luxuriating, he was observed by the 
 landlord, who, indignant, sent a servant to order him 
 from the table. Tom had " come it" over him for so 
 many odd dinners, without a shadow of prospect for 
 pay, that he would stand it no longer. The servant 
 approached, whispered in his ear, and stood off to give 
 him room to move. Tom clutched the wine bottle, with 
 the intention of hurling it at his head, but altered his 
 purpose, and poured out another glass, drank it off, 
 looked daggers at the servant, and in a moment more 
 smiled confidence upon his friend. 
 
 " Would you believe it," said Tom, to the southerner, 
 " that since my absence from the city for a few days 
 past, a rival house of our shipping ftrm has whispered 
 the possibility of our failure, and this rascally landlord, 
 having heard the calumny, has insulted me here at table 
 by sending a servant to demand the trifling sum I owe 
 him." 
 
 The southerner was burning with indignation. 
 
 "It is too humiliating;" added Tom, "not dreaming 
 of such an outrage, I am entirely unprovided at the 
 moment." 
 
 " Here, my dear fellow," promptly proffered his 
 friend, "here is my pocket-book, make use of it with- 
 out hesitation." 
 
 " You're very kind," said Tom, " very, I will but 
 borrow this thousand dollar bill for a moment I know 
 the rascal can't change it!" 
 
 With an air of offended dignity, Tom approached 
 the office of the hotel, the landlord, frowning with anger, 
 stood at the desk, the offended "diner out," put his 
 hand to his eyes, as if hiding deep emotion, and then 
 
164 "DOING" A LANDLORD. 
 
 addressing the -landlord in a grief-stricken voice, he 
 said: 
 
 " I never dreamed of such an insult from you, sir, at 
 such a time, too, just as my uncle in the south has 
 expired, and his agent with me to deliver up the por- 
 tion bequeathed to me it is it sir, I cannot express 
 in language my feelings. Take out of that the paltry 
 sum I owe you," throwing down the thousand dollar 
 bill, "and henceforth I never will enter your door. 
 Just at a time too," he further added, " when I had 
 intended to make your house my home, and endeavor 
 to make some return for your forbearance. It is too 
 much my feelings are lacerated," and here he became 
 almost overpowered by emotion. 
 
 The strip of crape around his hat put there to hide 
 the greasy band the thousand dollar bill, and the 
 renovated coat, which looked like new on the possessor 
 of such a sum, all assured the landlord that he had been 
 hasty. He, therefore, denied the indignity, straight, 
 said that it was an impertinence of his servant, who had 
 twice before offended his best guests by his insolence, 
 and assured Tom that he would discharge the fellow 
 forthwith pushed back to him the thousand dollar bill, 
 and begged he would forget the circumstance indeed, 
 he felt shocked that such an outrage had been perpe- 
 trated upon his oldest friend and customer. These 
 warm expressions mollified Tom's wrath, and folding 
 up his bill he walked back, resumed his seat, returned 
 the bill to the southerner, merely remarking he had 
 "brought the landlord to his feelings," and cheerfully 
 sipped a little iced champagne. As he left the table 
 arm-in-arm with his freind, the landlord approached, 
 bowing, and begged to know where he should send for 
 
"DOING" A LANDLORD. 165 
 
 his trunk, as No. 24, a fine airy room, which would 
 suit him to a charm, was at present empty. Tom said 
 he would send the baggage up, and after lighting a 
 choice Havana, strolled out with an air aristocratic. 
 
 In good time, the trunk arrived a rude one, but 
 very heavy. The landlord winked as the servant bent 
 beneath its weight, and remarked, as he paid the por- 
 terage, that a large quantity of bullion was generally 
 rather heavy. Tom was in clover the thousand dol- 
 lar bill got whispered about, and one of his creditors, a 
 fashionable tailor, insisted on trusting him for another 
 suit; he- yielded, after much persuasion, and it was 
 astonishing how everything altered with Tom's appear- 
 ance. His note was good for any small sum now, and 
 it was a pleasure to make his acquaintance. 
 
 In the course of about six months the landlord thought 
 he would just hint to Tom that a small check would be 
 agreeable, as they were hard pushed. The hint was 
 given, and he received a check anything but a cash 
 one, though. Tom very coolly informed him that the 
 agent who had raised his hopes, was a rascally impostor. 
 
 "But the thousand dollar bill, Mr. H. ?" said the 
 landlord, inquiringly. 
 
 " Was handed to me, by the rogue, to keep up ap- 
 pearances," coolly responded Tom. 
 
 "I shall seize your baggage, sir!" cried the enraged 
 host. 
 
 " I can't help it, my dear fellow," said Tom ; " you 
 know if I had a < pocket full of rocks ,' you should share 
 them, for I like you, vastly I do cuss me if I don't ; 
 so keep cool, and kee'p the baggage until I make a 
 draw and raise the little sum." 
 
 The trunk was seized, and so roughly that it burst 
 
166 WHO IS GEORGE SIMPSON? 
 
 open, when the landlord discovered that if Tom had no 
 poc/cet full of rocks, it was because he had stowed them 
 all in his trunk, and that accounted very naturally for 
 its being so heavy ! 
 
 WHO IS SIR GEORGE SIMPSON? 
 
 AN EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCE ABOUT HIM. 
 
 AN esteemed friend of ours, who now, heaven rest 
 his spirit, sleeps in the tomb, had a curious method of 
 relating a story ; and if his hearer was of an impatient 
 nature, it would be sorely tried before he heard the con- 
 clusion of any yarn the " Consul" might start to favor 
 him with. On one occasion, some months since, he 
 seated himself at my elbow, while I was busily perusing 
 a piece of news in which Sir George Simpson's name 
 appeared, and taking the knight's cognomen for a text, 
 he insisted on relating .to me an extraordinary circum^ 
 stance, which drew forth a correspondingly extraordi- 
 nary remark from the said Sir George. With a pencil, 
 unperceived by the relater, I stenographed his story, 
 nearly word for word, and as it is replete with interest, 
 I do not feel justified in withholding it at the present 
 time from the public ; so, here it is : 
 
 " I'll tell you an extraordinary circumstance about 
 George Simpson," said the "Consul." " You see, 
 when I was at my brother's., on Staten Island, some years 
 since at his country seat, living with his family (my 
 brother Bill, it was) there was some six children, and 
 I lived at home there the oldest not more than fourteen. 
 
WHO IS SIR GEORGE SIMPSON ? 167 
 
 and I used to take him out hunting with me ; the 
 young rascal was a good shot, too ! You see I was 
 there at that time on my oars, doing nothing, and had 
 plenty of time to spare, which I used to fill up by fish- 
 ing and hunting, sometimes for days together pretty 
 poor luck at that, often, but I didn't care, as time wasn't 
 valuable. Well, you see, my brother Bill used to invite 
 some of the people in the neighborhood to dinner, and 
 often there were distinguished visiters on the island- it's 
 a first rate place in summer and Bill had every thing 
 nice on his table ; he took some trouble to keep it fine, 
 and he had a reputation for being a good liver. You 
 could see he liked good things by his appearance, for 
 he was corpulent. Well, you see, Sir George Simpson 
 happened to be invited to dine Sir George, the Scotch- 
 man, old fellow belonging to the Hudson Bay Fur 
 Company; Scotch as the devil! old tory at that; he 
 has travelled all over the north-western territory, and 
 Oregon, and clear up to Behring's Strait ; knows the 
 worth of a wild-cat skin in any market in the world, old 
 Sir George does a cursed old Jew, too ! Well, as we 
 were all seated at the table I on my brother Bill's 
 right, and Sir George on his left (Sir George was 
 dressed in check pants and a snuff-colored coat, looking 
 as pompous as the red lion of England, although he was 
 only a Scotch clerk of the Fur Company) just as Bill's 
 oldest boy asked for something at table, and I was help- 
 him to a bit of veal kidney the young rascal was 
 fond of kidney, and would have it when it was on the 
 table says Sir George, says he and my brother Bill, 
 who w j as just turning up his plate at the time, stopped 
 and laid down his fork, and I turned round to hear what 
 he had to say (the old fellow always spoke slow, with 
 
 
168 LETTERS FROM A BABY. 
 
 considerable Scotch accent, and every body wanted to 
 hear it's the most extraordinary circumstance or re- 
 mark, whichever you please, as I said, that ever I 
 heard) says Sir George, says he, " 7 shouldn't wonder 
 if we have to fight about Oregon yet!" 
 
 LETTERS FROM A BABY. 
 
 BY A FORWARD CHILD. 
 
 ST. Louis has obtained the reputation of being a dan- 
 gerous climate for infants, and the bills of mortality, as 
 they have from time to time exhibited an alarming num- 
 ber of deaths among children, have called forth learned 
 disquisitions from the " medicine men," and some new 
 views from those who are without the pale of regular 
 practice. All seemed to agree that the mortality every 
 summer was alarming, but no two united in assigning 
 the same cause for the fatal result. After listening pa- 
 tiently to both sides, I sought information from the suf- 
 fering party, and their opinion may be gathered from 
 the complaints of their correspondent Bub. He says : 
 
 Dear Sir : Of late I perceive the public are making 
 some stir about us babies ; may heaven vouchsafe 
 healthy children to our defenders. I have a string of 
 sorrows to relate myself, and my poor bowels cry out 
 for protection ; you must therefore permit me to say a 
 few words. My Ma is what you would call a fashion- 
 able woman, and although she loves her baby, yet she 
 says it is not fashionable for mammas in the southern 
 
LETTERS FROM A BABY. 169 
 
 states to nurse their own babies ; I am, consequently, 
 turned over to the care of nigger Molly, and Lord pre- 
 serve me, such nursing as I get would kill a young In- 
 dian. I am fed with every thing, from a green apple 
 to a chunk of fat pickled pork, and the sufferings which 
 I undergo therefrom, would crack a sucking bottle, or 
 rend a diaper in tatters. After feeding me into sickness, 
 they set a doctor at me, who physics me into a state of 
 quiet insensibility, and they then say, "bess its ittle 
 bessed heart it's ditten better, it is." I get a little peace 
 until I get strong enough to cry out, and then nigger 
 Molly stuffs me to keep me quiet, and I go through 
 another spell. I see our dog Flora watching her pups, 
 and if any person goes near them she is almost ready to 
 tear them to pieces ; I wish my Ma was as careful of 
 me. I see a poor woman opposite kissing her baby, 
 and I envy that child ; nobody kisses me but black 
 Molly, and she does it to smother my cries of suffering. 
 I don't know what kills other babies, but this treatment 
 will soon finish me BUB. 
 
 NO. II. BUB IN PERIL. 
 
 i How are you ? You have published my letter, and I 
 am glad to see that nigger Molly cannot smother my cry 
 to the public if I don't give her scissors, it will be be- 
 cause she smothers me outright. You must know Molly 
 keeps two bottles filled with liquid, one of which she 
 administers to me, and the other to herself, and they 
 both have about the same effect, only hers smells worst. 
 Hers she calls whiskey, mine cordial. The other morn- 
 ing Molly set me down on the floor, beside a pan of 
 22 P 
 
170 LETTERS FROM A BABY. 
 
 water, and commenced taking comfort from her bottle, 
 and I, feeling feverish, commenced comforting myself 
 by dabbling in the pan until I was all wet ; Molly per- 
 ceiving this picked me up to slap me, but her cordia 1 
 floored her. I should have been glad of this, only she 
 nearly killed me in her fall, and because I screamed, &* 
 any baby would do, she clapped her black lips to mine, 
 smelling horribly as they were of whiskey, and kept in 
 rny breath until I was as black in the face as herself. I 
 yelled at this double outrage, and she silenced me by 
 pouring a double dose of cordial down my throat, which 
 threw me into a state of insensibility, from which I awoke 
 almost dead. My mother asked to see me, and when 
 she heard me moaning, she said " the ittle bessed dear 
 is suffering w r is its too-sys." I aint suffering with my 
 teeth I'm suffering with nigger Moll's nursing. 
 
 BUB. 
 
 NO. III. BUB RESCUED. 
 
 Hello, boys : Flourish trumpets ! merrily beat your 
 drums I'm a saved sucker I A day of hope and pro- 
 mise has shed its light upon my infantile head, and 
 bright visions of a pair of small breeches to be worn 
 by me, float airily round my head they appear plain 
 and palpable in the vista of the future buttons, pockets, 
 suspenders and all vive la pantalons ! The other morn- 
 ing my Pa drew forth the copies of the Reveille from 
 his book case, and commenced reading them for Ma's 
 amusement. Suddenly he cast his eye on my letters, 
 and straight he commenced them he laughed, and 
 then Ma laughed, and then I crowed. By and by, as 
 
LETTERS FROM A BABY. 171 
 
 he proceeded, Ma began to look angry; she cast a 
 glance at me, and then her conscience smote her I 
 was wasted to a shadow on went Pa with the letters ; 
 Ma wept, I crowed, and nigger Molly gave me a pinch 
 a yell followed and the clouds burst ! 
 
 " Give me that child, you hateful jade, you ; how dare 
 you hurt it ?" cried Ma. 
 
 "Please God, I didn't do nuffin ob de sort, missus; 
 I'd do any thin else, missus, dan hurt de baby," an- 
 swered Moll. 
 
 " Get out of my sight, you hussy !" cried my enraged 
 mamma ; " you have nearly killed de bessed ittle pet 
 mamma's dear, bess its heart get out of my sight ; if 
 ever you touch it again, I'll punish you severely." 
 
 Molly fled, Pa chuckled to himself,, and I crowed 
 again I tried to hurrah ! How shall I describe the 
 change which stole over me, body and spirit, as, nest- 
 ling in my mother's sweet bosom and receiving her fond 
 caress, I was permitted abundantly to drink at " Nature's 
 pure fount, which, at my cry, sent forth a pearly stream 
 to cherish my enamelled veins." A sweet sleep visited 
 my pillow again, and the fond endearments which waited 
 on my waking moments were life and joy to me. My 
 Ma, now, is rapidly improving in health I, of course, 
 will grow fat; and just wait until I'm able to wear them 
 breeches and beat a small drum, if I don't visit the 
 Reveille office and give you the serenade of " Oh, be 
 joyful," until your petrified stump will execute a double 
 shuffle, then say my name aint BUB. 
 
 
172 LETTERS FROM A BABY. 
 
 NO. IV. BUB FLOURISHING. 
 
 Hello, Drummers : Whoop ! hey ! cock-a-doodle- 
 doo-o-o ! If I aint some by this time I wouldn't say 
 so ! You remember what a sickly state I was in when 
 I commenced telling you my grievances? how my 
 complaints wrought improvement and rescued me from 
 nigger Molly ? Well, ever since then, it's a surprise to 
 learn the way my body has spread I'm a small Lam- 
 bert, and have got six teeth. Aint I some ? Talk of 
 your Missouriums ! only look at me ! Well, between 
 you and me, I didn't cut them teeth for nothing ; I find 
 a fellow don't get knowledge without paying for it ; I 
 suffered in teething, but I learned some. Women who 
 pay no attention to their babies, envy me my fat I'm 
 a kind of living rebuke to them, and, for a year old, I'm 
 rather a heavy rebuke. They every now and then say : 
 " Why, bless me, Mrs. T , you'll kill yourself nurs- 
 ing that big fat child." The answer they get, gene- 
 rally, is, Well, it will get killed if I don't ."' That's 
 the way to tell it ! bravo, Ma ! Well, but, Mrs. 
 
 T , why don't you let Molly relieve you of such a 
 
 load ?" Ma answers, " It's because Molly nearly re- 
 lieved me of him altogether he would have died from 
 her nursing." That's a fact ! hit 'em again, Ma. " My 
 children," says Mrs. Nevernurse, " get along very well 
 without me." " Yes," answered Ma, again, " you have 
 only two living out of six" That was a wiper! how 
 she twisted her face at it! I think I'm safe enough, 
 but my peace is sadly troubled with fear when I hear 
 some of these old women giving Ma advice. It would 
 do you good to see old Molly look at me, now and then, 
 
LETTERS FROM A BABY. 173 
 
 saying, with her big eyes, "Well, bress cle Lord, I'm 
 clar ob dat brat, but I should jis Jike to hab him for a 
 a week, I'd take de sassy look out ob his face." I'd 
 like to try my six new teeth on her black hide. 
 
 You shall have that serenade, Drummers, and no 
 mistake. BUB. 
 
 NO. V. BUB AGAIN IN DANGER. 
 
 Gents : How d'ye do ? I've just had a good long- 
 pull at the titty, and have got on a clean warm diaper ; 
 and feeling pretty comfortable, I think I'll give you an- 
 other small epistle. I'm going to get into trouble I 
 feel it in my bones. My Ma has quarreled with her old 
 physician, and has employed a new one, young Dr. 
 Pliant between you and me, I think they should have 
 named him Verdant. This new doctor wants to please, 
 so anything the women propose is exactly right. " Don't 
 
 you think, Doctor," says one, " that Mrs. T will 
 
 destroy her health, nursing that fat child ?" " Cer- 
 tainly, maam, most unquestionably, Mrs. Helpalong; 
 the strength of the mother being inadequate to the 
 sufficient indevelopment of the ponderous system of 
 meat-gather-upon-its-bones-ativeness of the infant, it 
 consequently follows that the thin- down-to- a-light-alti- 
 tudity of the fill-up-and-get-strong-ative powers of the 
 mother naturally must result." " I thought so, Doc- 
 tor," says Mrs. Helpalong, and this clear-as-mud evi- 
 dence against my comfort is reiterated to my mother 
 "Do you really think, Dr. P., that I am endangering 
 my health ?" " That depends upon how you feel," 
 says the doctor. "Why," says Ma, "I feel as well as 
 
 i 
 
174 LETTERS FROM A BABY. 
 
 ever I did in my life." " Your system, then," says the 
 doctor, " is what we call in the south sui generis that 
 is, you can stand nursing, and, consequently, the babe 
 having a tendency to the natural milk which surrepti- 
 tiously flows, I might say, from the secretive portion of 
 the female os frontis of the breast, it must follow, as a 
 result from these multifarious and indigenous effects, 
 that no danger can ensue from your nursing." I'm safe 
 as long as my mother keeps in good health ; but Lord 
 bless me, should she get ill, I'm a gone sucker this 
 new physician would dose her and me into kingdom 
 come in about a week. I heard quite a discussion about 
 his merits yesterday. Mrs. Enquiry says that he used 
 to be a fiddler about two years ago, but Mrs. Helpalong 
 says it is no such thing that he always was a gentle- 
 man, and taught school before he took up the profession 
 that he studied regularly a whole season, and took his 
 diploma in the spring; she sticks to that, Mrs. Help- 
 along does, and I guess she is about right. Aint my 
 case critical ? BUB. 
 
 NO. VI. BUB'S RECEPTION OF A SILVER PAP SPOON. 
 
 Fm here again : Important events having transpired 
 since I last wrote to you, it has been deemed proper to 
 send a synopsis of them to you for publication, in order 
 that the world in general may know western babies are 
 some, and when well nursed a good deal more than 
 some. A most gratifying reformation has been effected 
 in certain circles by my letters, and, indeed, wherever 
 they have been read, nigger nurses, paregoric, sucking- 
 bottles, coarse diapers, and sundry other abuses have 
 
LETTERS FROM A BABY. 175 
 
 entirely disappeared. The effect has been a correspond- 
 ing improvement in babies, generally, and your corres- 
 pondent in particular, who is now admitted to be a 
 whapping child for a small family. 
 
 On last Christmas, a number of our parents having 
 met together to celebrate the day, all of us youiigsters 
 were put into the nursery together, and the clatter of 
 discussion which followed would have thrown a peevish 
 nurse into hysterics. Charley Wilgus proposed that a 
 meeting should be held upon the spot, and a silver pap 
 spoon voted to me for my able letters in defence of in- 
 fantile rights. Asa Keemle seconded the motion, and 
 it was unanimously carried. Charley Wilgus was there- 
 upon chosen chairman, and Asa Keemle, secretary. The 
 president mounted a pillow, and called the meeting to 
 order by ringing the bells on his coral. On motion, a 
 committee was then appointed to draft resolutions ex- 
 pressive of the sense of the meeting, and the following 
 boys, having cut their eye-teeth, were selected to draft 
 said resolutions : 
 
 Augustus Vinton, Edward Shade, John Charless, 
 Christopher Wigery, John Dalrymple and Wallace Fin- 
 ney. 
 
 The committee having retired, Colton A. Presbury, 
 Jr., offered the following resolution, which he prefaced 
 by some very pertinent remarks : 
 
 Resolved, That cutting teeth is a sharp operation, and 
 should therefore, be deferred until maturity. 
 
 Presbury G. A. Colton, a little fellow who had just 
 cut his first " double," opposed this resolution, on the 
 ground of its interfering with " future prospects," he 
 went in for teeth now, and the cutting to come being 
 left an open question. The resolution was rejected. 
 
 
176 LETTERS FROM A BABY. 
 
 Rucker Smith now rose to address the meeting, when 
 some objection was made to him because he sucked 
 milk from a bottle ; it was, however, concluded that he 
 might address the chair if his diaper was pinned tight ; 
 on examination he was permitted to proceed. He com- 
 menced describing the horrors of a cold bath, and was 
 interrupted by the president, who informed him that the 
 subject of water came more particularly under the head 
 of streams, and could not then be entertained by the 
 meeting. He then proceeded to describe the delights 
 of a suc/dng-bottle, and was cried down by the unani- 
 mous voice of the meeting. Some one now commenced 
 a speech against paregoric, whereupon the assembly, 
 speaker and all, went immediately to sleep ! 
 
 They were aroused from their slumber by the return 
 of the committee, which, through their chairman, Au- 
 gustus Vinton, reported the following resolutions : 
 
 Resolved, That babies are, and of right ought to be, 
 natural-born suckers. 
 
 Resolved, That the introduction of negro nurses 
 among white babies was a dark era in infantile history. 
 
 Resolved, That all artificial efforts, in regard to babies, 
 are no go, and that the old fashion defies the ingenuity 
 of Yankeedom to improve on it. 
 
 Resolved, That " being born with a silver spoon in 
 your mouth" is a good thing, but an unlimited chance 
 at the titty is a better. 
 
 Resolved, That all anti-nursing mothers are undeserv- 
 ing of lively husbands. 
 
 Resolved, That we look with feelings of compassion 
 upon those who have adopted children. 
 
 Resolved, That Bub deserves a silver pap spoon, and 
 shall have one. 
 
177 
 
 These resolutions having been unanimously adopted 
 by the meeting, it was 
 
 On motion of 0. M. Ridgely, seconded by Edward 
 Shade, adjourned. A general call was now made for 
 refreshments, which anxious mothers promptly supplied. 
 
 Yours, BUB. 
 
 SETH TINDER'S FIRST COURTSHIP. 
 
 HOW HIS FLAME WAS QUENCHED! 
 
 You knew Seth Tinder, No? "git eout!" you 
 did know Seth, every body knew him, and they couldn't 
 help it, for Seth would know every body. He was, 
 perhaps, the "cutest critter," in some things, that ever 
 calculated the success of a notion expedition, and he 
 was among the first of his genus that ever strayed, on 
 such an expedition, as far west as St. Louis. If you 
 really didn't know Seth, it is time your ignorance was 
 enlightened. 
 
 Seth was remarkably cute at driving a bargain that 
 was an innate propensity; Seth was inquisitive, and 
 frequently looked into hall doors, and peeped into 
 kitchen windows that was Yankee human nature ; 
 Seth winked at the girls that was an acquired habit ; 
 he resolved to possess one that wa a calculation. 
 Now, this winking at the girls, when performed by a 
 handsome individual, is looked upon as a matter of 
 course; but Seth was so notoriously ugly, that his wink 
 was an outrage, and his overtures of love, perfect 
 atrocities. His short, bow-legged figure was thatched 
 23 
 
178 SETH TINDER'S FIRST COURTSHIP, 
 
 with the most obstinate bunch of carroty hair that ever 
 bid defiance to bear's oil, and the windows of his mind 
 as the eyes are poetically styled, appeared looking in* 
 tently at the tip of his nose, as if apprehensive that, ere 
 long, it would burst into a blaze. A kind of half-burnt* 
 prairie garnished his chin, which would have made a 
 very warm looking goatee, if Seth could have trans- 
 planted it all to one spot; but there lay the difficulty, 
 ibr though cute at driving a bargain, he could make 
 none with nature she made him ugly without his con- 
 sent, and wouldn't agree to any alteration. Seth, never- 
 theless, would wink at the girls. 
 
 His first tender effort was made upon the heart of a 
 German butcher's fair, fat, rosy daughter, whose round 
 cheeks and w r ell-fed form was, to his eye, the very per- 
 fection of female beauty. No artificial making up about 
 her no exterior padding, it was all done naturally, on 
 the inside. As she luxuriated upon the door steps of 
 an evening, Seth would linger near, wink, and grin all 
 sorts of affection, but, like all bashful swains, hesitated 
 about coming to close quarters. He had imbibed the 
 erroneous opinion, that all true courting must be done 
 clandestinely ; but all his hints to draw his inamorata 
 into a secret treaty, was a failure. At length, he ven- 
 tured in a 'desperate manner up to the door step, and 
 whispered hurriedly : 
 
 " Look out comin' to set up with you to-night 
 round the back way over the fence be a-waitin' !" 
 
 " You'd petter pe ketch'd," was the fair one's re- 
 joinder, accompanied by a malicious laugh, w r hich Seth 
 interpreted as an approving one. 
 
 The darkness of the night favored Seth's clandestine 
 opinions and practice- -it was just the thing for a noc- 
 
'They found their trusty sentry baulking all Seth's efforts to retreat over the 
 fence, and keeping him 'a waitin.'" 
 
179 
 
 turnal visit ; therefore, agreeable to notice, he made his 
 appearance at the fence, round the back way. Leaning 
 over the barrier, he ventured to sound a cautious " hist," 
 which was immediately answered by a low " wou-ugh." 
 That must be Dutch for "come," reasoned Seth, and 
 straight he mounted the fence; but politician never 
 took an uneasier seat on the same line of division than 
 he enjoyed on the present occasion, for, no sooner had 
 one pedal extremity reached the other side and placed 
 him fairly astride, than a remarkably savage dog seized 
 the intruding member, with a fierce " wou-ugh-ugh- 
 ugh-u." 
 
 " Git eout, you blasted critter !" shouted Seth. 
 
 " Wou-ugh-ugh!" roared the dog. 
 
 A struggle ensued, in which Seth, unfortunately, fell 
 on the wrong side, right into the jaws of his antagonist. 
 The attitude in which he reached terra firma, offered 
 the dog a change of grip, and, like a skilful sentinel, 
 he seized the advantage and Seth's seat of honor at the 
 same time. Our hero sprang nearly erect, with a howl 
 more like his antagonist than any human noise, and a 
 desperate struggle, mingled with strange cries, aroused 
 the dozing butcher from his pipe, and the fair cause of 
 the disturbance from her knitting. 
 
 " Sum tarn rascal's after der sausages in der smoke 
 haus !" was the butcher's first exclamation ; the rosy 
 daughter smiled assent, and " arm and out," was the 
 work of an instant. They found their trusty sentry 
 baulking all Seth's efforts to retreat over the fence, and 
 keeping him "a-waitm'" when he would have given 
 worlds to leave. The reinforcement made at him with 
 whip and broomstick, and this terrible odds aroused 
 him to superhuman exertions; with a " muzzier" he 
 
180 THE DEATH STRUGGLE. 
 
 floored the Dutchman and his pipe, charged on the 
 flinty-hearted daughter, captured her broomstick, beat 
 a parley with it on the dog's head, and retreated over 
 the fence with " flying colors" sticking through a rent 
 of his inexpressibles. 
 
 THE DEATH STRUGGLE; 
 
 OR, THE WAY SMITH DID UP JONES. 
 
 You all knew Smith every body knew Smith, and 
 Smith was known by every body consequently, Smith 
 was considered somebody. A body is supposed to 
 contain a soul ; Smith's body not only contained a soul, 
 but certain parts of Smith's body made and mended 
 other men's soles. Smith was enterprising, industrious, 
 and won thereby the sole control of the boot and shoe 
 business of the flourishing town of Kipp. Smith was a 
 thriving man, a persevering man ; Smith was, in fact, a 
 strip of upper-leather. Just about the time of his greatest 
 success, when the tide of fortune appeared to bear upon 
 its surface a perfect skin of Smith's manufactured high- 
 lows, and earth shook beneath the tread of his patent 
 cork soles, along came Jones. Strange freak of fate ! 
 Jones was an adventurer,- a desperate adventurer, a 
 fellow who had made soles his study and upper leather 
 his dream ; he was a Napoleon in his business, and 
 could slash calf-skin into a killing shape for pedal ex- 
 tremities; in short, he was boot No. 1, both in the 
 manufacture and sale of the article. In Jones' wander- 
 ings along the streets of Kipp, his eye fell upon the broad 
 
sign 
 
 There was something prosperous and aristocrati 
 
 it, but, at the " Fashionable," Jones turned up 
 
 " Ox-hide fashion," says Jones, "Good common\ar- 
 ticle, but won't sell alongside of a prime one. I'll drive 
 that fellow, Smith, out of Kipp town have it all to 
 myself do a smashing business re-sole the town be- 
 come upper-leather in the community president of 
 town council die mayor of the borough, and have all 
 my own manufactured shoes walking at my funeral. 
 Lofty thought," added Jones. 
 
 In a very short time, upon the principal street in Kipp, 
 in sight of Smith's, out swung a large flag, with the 
 name of " Jones, importer, manufacturer, and patent 
 leather boot and shoe artiste" Smith stared, the flag 
 fluttered, and Jones chuckled. Customers began to pa- 
 tronise Jones, and the flag seemed saucily to triumph, as 
 it floated upon the breeze blowing towards Smith's door, 
 Smith was a man of energy, though, and out came his 
 new " patent gaiter boot ;" the tide turned and Smith 
 was again in the ascendant. Now began a leather war 
 Jones up and Smith down, Smith up again and Jones 
 down, as each rival, alternately, brought out something 
 new. At length, one bright morning, the inhabitants of 
 Kipp, who had taken sides in the contest, were astound- 
 ed by the appearance of the front of Smith's store it 
 was one entire sign, from the pavement to the roof. 
 Jones looked blue, the flag fluttered like a tattered rag. 
 Smith rose in importance his friends felt proud of him 
 it was a Kipp triumph over foreign capital the Jones 
 party wavered ! not so Jones ; his great mind had con- 
 ceived a stupendous overthrow for Smith, and ere ad- 
 miration for his rival had settled into sure success, it 
 
 Q 
 
 BANCROFT 
 
182 *TH DEATH $ERUGGE. 
 
 '*- i^> i^ ^ ^ ^ /y v -^ \ 
 
 was diverted to himself. An immense flag, of stone, 
 with his name in large letters, was scientifically planted 
 right in the centre of Jones' pavement. 
 
 The town now became feverish with excitement, and 
 it was rumored that the town council intended to con- 
 sider the matter the " signs of the times" grew alarming. 
 
 Glorious Smith ! Smith for ever ! unyielding to the 
 last! In this emergency, when the horizon seemed 
 heavy with defeat, when a vast stone seemed to press 
 his fortunes into the earth, Smith arose, Phoenix like, 
 " from a boot," and gave assurance to the world that 
 he was no common leather. Rapid as the thought 
 which conceived the idea, he had a vast boot con- 
 structed, placed upon a post in front of his door, and 
 with a sample of his manufacture in each hand, he 
 mounted into it, to exhibit to the passers by not only a 
 spectacle of indomitable energy, but un^og-ging per- 
 severance. 
 
 " What do you think of Smith now?" said the adhe- 
 rents of the " big boot," " bravo, Smith !" shouted the 
 Kippites. Here was a climax to which ingenuity could 
 discover no parallel, it was indeed the ne plus ultra. 
 
 Jones put his hands behind his coat-tails, and looked 
 up street at the big boot and its tenant, then at the stone 
 flag beneath his feet, and his countenance settled into a 
 calm and desperate determination. "I'll do it!" ex- 
 claimed he. The expression was caught up by his 
 friends, wafted through the town, and whispered in 
 each dwelling, until the excitement and expectation 
 grew painful. Everybody was aching to see what Jones 
 would do. 
 
 Jones cut out a capacious pair of boots, set his work- 
 men at them, had them finished, sent every living soul 
 
WHO ARE THEY ? 183 
 
 away from his shop at early candle-light, closed it up, 
 and all remained a mystery for the remainder of the 
 night. Morning broke astonishment and horror! 
 terrible Jones ! triumphing in death ! He had drawn 
 on the immense boots, fastened them by suspenders 
 across his shoulders, and then suspended himself from 
 the flag-staff' right over the flag-stone. Beneath him 
 fluttered a postscript attached to the boots ; its substance 
 was, "Has Smith the sole to imitate this ?" Smith 
 hadn't. 
 
 "WHO ARE THEY?" 
 
 A QUESTION OF VITAL IMPORT. 
 
 How often, in our democratic land, the query which 
 forms our caption has caused the aspirants after aristo- 
 cratic distinction to shudder, and how silent become 
 their voices of high pretension, when, by some unfortu- 
 nate remark, or the recalling of some reminiscence, 
 they have been forced to take a retrospective glance 
 into the past for a few generations. Happy are they if 
 memory does not wake up a sturdy ancester pound- 
 ing the leather upon his lapstone, or that necessary 
 craftsman, the tailor, plying his busy needle upon the 
 shop-board. The morbid desire of us republicans to 
 be ignorant of the vulgar callings of life, is often very 
 amusing; and the struggles to rake up a pedigree, to 
 give character to growing prosperity, has often caused 
 more trouble and vexation than the building up of a 
 fortune, which it was necessary thus to adorn. 
 
184 WHO ARE THEY ? 
 
 "Who are they?" was the general query at a soiree 
 given by a high United States' officer, at the city of 
 Washington, a short period previous to the death of the 
 lamented General Harrison. The parties who called 
 forth the query were a western member of congress and 
 his highly gifted lady. The member was in the prime 
 of life, of acknowledged talents in his profession, and 
 betrayed, in his manners, the high breeding of a gentle- 
 man. A conscious power lent ease to his frankness, 
 and the men of the west clustered around him with 
 pride. His lady, simply attired, attracted all eyes ; her 
 distingue figure and intellectual face proclaimed her a 
 peerless woman, and when she smiled a ray of heaven's 
 own light beamed forth from human eyes. There was 
 a kindness in her smile which won hearts before they 
 knew her ; there was no hollow mockery in it ; it came 
 forth from a happy heart, and where its influence fell, 
 good feelings sprung up and sweet thoughts clustered ; 
 but Who is she ? Ah, that's the question ; and how 
 often the inquiry was passed from lip to lip during that 
 evening ! Amid the throng in which they moved, and 
 wherever they lingered, an admiring coterie surrounded 
 them. The husband was a strong man in the political 
 world ; had accepted a seat in congress more to gratify 
 his friends than in accordance with his own wishes, and 
 his party felt strengthened by his presence. His lady, 
 ever distinguished at home, was now creating no small 
 sensation at Washington; but "who are they?" That 
 all-absorbing question remained unanswered, even to 
 the close of the evening, and they departed, leaving it 
 still an " open question." 
 
 Judge W. had been seen conversing very familiarly 
 with them, and an anxious company soon surrounded 
 
WHO ARE THEY ? 185 
 
 him, uttering the query, " Who are they ?" He informed 
 them, that it was Mr. H. and his wife, Mrs. H., of 
 
 M . " Oh ! they all knew that, but what was their 
 
 family ?" 
 
 " Upon my life, ladies," answered the good-natured 
 Judge, " I don't know ; but if you will only wait until 
 to-morrow evening, I will endeavor to find out." 
 
 The task of postponing curiosity, though difficult, 
 was, nevertheless, unavoidable ; and the party broke up 
 with a living hope, that ere another day had ended, the 
 important query would be solved. 
 
 " Who are you? H.," said the Judge to his friend 
 the next day, as they sat conversing together in H.'s 
 parlor. 
 
 " Well, that is a hard question. Judge," replied H. 
 " but perhaps Mary can answer tjpSt question better than 
 I can ;" and calling his wife away from a boquet of 
 flowers which she was arranging in a vase ; he took her 
 hand in his, as she leaned affectionately over his shoulder, 
 and repeated the inquiry Who am I, Mary? the Judge 
 wishes to know." 
 
 " I think I can inform you, Judge," replied the wife, 
 " for he is not a whit changed since the day he taught 
 me my first lesson in the < free school' of L. He is 
 Henry H. formerly assistant teacher in a down-east 
 free school, and now, the Hon. Henry H., of M. ; rnore- 
 over, the husband of Mary H., formerly a factory girl in 
 that same town, but now, I need not tell you, Judge, 
 the Hon. Mrs. H., also of M. ; I have really become 
 quite enamored of this title." 
 
 "It is true, Judge," continued Mr. H., "I first be- 
 held Mary at zfree school) taught her her first lesson, 
 learned another from her eyes, and never became satis- 
 24 Q2 
 
186 WHO ARE THEY ? 
 
 fied until I possessed the book, that throughout life I 
 might continue to peruse the beauties of the page. But 
 come, Judge, now that you have traced our pedigree, 
 give some account of yourself; from what ancient stock 
 have you sprung ? Who are you ?" 
 
 "I am the son of Adam!" (a laugh here inter- 
 rupted him,) " not the Adam spoken of in the Bible ; 1 
 mean old Adam W., a shoemaker of Albany, who once 
 used his stirrup rather lavishly upon me, and for which 
 good office, I left him one fine morning, without bid- 
 ding good by. I will not relate to you the many 
 changes of fortune whicjp befel me, until I found myself 
 upon the bench, in a United States' court, instead of the 
 bench in my father's shop. Suffice it to say, that my 
 good parent, until his dying day, expressed the opinion 
 that it was a good thfcg I took to the law early, for I 
 was fit for no useful purpose." 
 
 r At Secretary E.'s on the next evening, a crowd sur- 
 sroiwided the Judie, but all wore upon their countenances 
 ^an air &f incredulity jthe Judge's story of the " factory 
 girl" " wouldn't go down." 
 
 "It's a fact, iadies," said the Judge; "just about 
 'the time I was learning to make shoes these people were 
 i^the situations I tell you." 
 
 tThey all pronounced the Judge a wag, and would 
 noftbelieve the story. A matron, more resolved than 
 her friends to sift the truth of the matter, applied to Mrs. 
 H., Jierself, and told her what a Jib the Judge had been 
 tellmg them. 
 
 p I assure you it is true," replied Mrs. H. 
 . *" Yes, but my dear, the best of families have been 
 reduced," says Mrs. Enquiry, " you are, no doubt, 
 descended from the < Pilgrim Fathers. 3 " 
 
WHO ARE THEV t 
 
 187 
 
 " I have every reason to believe so," answered Mrs. H. 
 
 " I told you so," said Mrs. Enquiry, exultingly, to 
 her circle of acquaintances ; " she is a daughter of one 
 of the < Pilgrim Fathers.' " 
 
 The wheels of government, which had well nigh 
 ceased to move during the pendency of this important 
 question, received a new impetus from the intelligence, 
 and the republic was pronounced " out of danger," 
 for its "heads of wisest censure" had discovered who 
 they were ! 
 
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