V54 ISO? UC-NRLF ! B 112 S3 a CO CO o FIVE MILES OFF : ot, THE FINGER POST; A COMEDY, IN THREE ACTS; AS ACTED AT THE THEATRE.ROYAL, HAT.MARKET. WRITTJEN BY T. DIBDIN, AUTHOR OF THE TEW and DOCTOR, BIRTH.DAY, WILL for the DEED, THIRTY THOUSANDS AB1NET,ENGLISH FLEET.FAMILV QUARRELS, WHITE PLUME, VALENTINE and ORSON, ILBONDOCANI, SCHOOL for PREJUDICE, FIVE THOUSAND a YEAR, GUILTY or not GUILTY, ST. DAVID** DAY, NAVAL PILLAR, MOUTH of the NILE, HORSE and the WIDOW, *e. *c. A NEW EDITION. LONDON: PRINTED AND PUBLISHED ^Y J. BARKER, Dramatic IRepo0itorp t Great Rufell- Street, Covcnt-Garden. m [ Pfict a /. 1809. PROLOGUE. ^ WRITTEN BY GEORGE COLMAN, ESQv £)^'^j m Spoken by Mr. FAWCETT. AJUr' SOME Hypercritic cries, in ev'ry age, f $ 0^f '• How rich the paft, how poor the prefent Stage!" So undertakers fay, on corpfes fed, " Ah ! there's no man of value till he's dead ! Some felf>made Arista acnus ever fits, Like a Judge Jefferies, oyer modern wits, Bullies upon the bench— his upright plan, Firft to abu/e, then execute the man. Still thrives our Stage, ftill feems there vigour in'ts For you (mile here, while cynics fcowl in print, Plain proof, you think, whate'er our Stage may tie^ Such critics infinitely vjor/e than vjef Yet far from us, one murmur to repeat, When Liberal Cenfure fills the judgment feat, We thank the hand that points, with gentle art, The wholefome lancet to fome morbid part ; The butcher, with his hatchet, 'tit we hate, Who kills, where able furgeons amputate. If we give trafe, as fome few pertlings fay, Why flocks an audience nightly to the Play ? If we be found immoral in our fcene, What does the Law's reflraint on Drama's mean/ To ftate the firft, they laugh 2Xyou alone— To ftate the laft, is libelling tht Throne*. Truth is, when impulfe can be fairly roufed, Smile, tear, or grin, hy you our arts efpoufed. However pedants preach, you'll think thofe fools, Who laugh or cry by Ariftotle's rules. And, while a laugh or cry is to be had, Authors and actors can't be very bad. Oh 1 may this doctrine be allow'd to night, And be a laugh — broad laugh— your chief delight I Look not with eyes of critical difdain, But favour one who drives to entertain ! — — — ~ ' — ' " • An Aft of Parliament has yefted the power of licenfing and fup reprefenution of Dramas in his Majefty's Lsrd Chamberlain* «J 4 /J DRAMATIS PERSONS 'Squire Flail, Mr. Chapman. Sordid, - - . j * m m Mr. Grove. Kilcndar, Mr. Fawcett. Edward, Mr Rae. Lucklefs, Mr. De Camp. Andrew, Mr. Noble. Spriggins, Mr. Mathews. O'Gimlet, Mr. Denman. Flourifh (with a Song.) - - Mr. Lis ton. Black Bob, Mr. Hatton. Dapper, .-.-..- Mr. Menace. Robert, -.*••.. Mr. Parsloe. Thomas, - - - ... Mr. Johnston. Dick, •••-... Mr. Goodwin, Junr. Mrs. Prue, Mrs. Powell. MaryFJail, - - * - - - Mrs. Mathews. Jenny, ..---.. Mrs. Gibbs. Laura Lucklefs [with a Song) Mifs T yr e r . The circumftanct introduced in the following piece, of the building of ahoufe in one night, is formed on a fact :-- Hampftead Heath is the fpot, where a beautU Jul cottage, fo eonftrucled, is ftill in being. The character of Spriggins, with hit repetition of " I bevt forty poundi a-jeor" &c is alfo copied from ancsiftiog prlgiaal. Five Miles off, or the Finger Poji. ACT L SCENE— A Park Lodge— Sun-rife. Enter Edward. EDWARD. With what exhilarating frefbnefs does the breath of morn enliven the (unrounding landfcape, and how eagerly do the fweets of nature feem to itart from their luxuriant beds, to hail the rifing fun ; 'tis thus the cheering blaze of profperity gladdens all, except the wretched few, who, like myfelf, are doomed to wither in the (hade of poverty ! (knocks at the lodge door.) Who have I to blame ? the man who unjufily foffers, has innate virtue to fuftain his fortitude, while Enter Andrew from th e L odge. Edw. Well, my old fofter-father ! And. My poor young mailer — and on fact too r Edw. I have come hither in hopes — And. Which won't help you on your way back— ' your ill-ufed father — Edto. Mention him not — I fcarcely have reco- vered the (hock his death has given me. And. It was a bad day for his tenants, a woefui hour for his fervants. Edw. Yet they were happy — they did not offend him ; but / had not the legacy of a parting buffing, nor the confolation of thinking I dejerved one. And. As to what he left to others — well, weii, Mr. Sordid, his rkh fteward may have a marble monument when he dies, and fine verfes on it tco, but I faw upon your father's tomb-ftone, fomewhat that beats all the poetry I ever read. 6 FIVE MILES OFF; OR, Eaiv. His epitaph, already ! am / the laft to pay a tribute to his memory ? From what hand came it ? And. From the heart, young mailer. His name was honoured with a poor man's tear ! The old cu- rate faid, that words may be cut deep in marble, and if fuch marks as I faw, don't laft here fo long, it is becaufe they're gone to be read in a better place. Edw. When his fon dies, if truth infcribe his epi- taph, 'twill be the record of his follies. Has Sor- did feiz'd on all ? And. All — there were bonds and mortgages, which no one dreamt of till your father died. Edzv. My father has been as much mifled as / have been, tho' bis errors have been on the fcore of friendfhip — mine of follv. And. I hope you'll call old Sordid to account ? Edzv. I'll to him inftantly , — a fhort vifit will fuf- fice for what I'd fettle with him — then for one inter- view elfewhere — and, after that, a mufquet, Andrew. And. Sir! Edzc. Nay, do not fear — I have been my own enemy too long, and dare not turn my rage againft myfeif, while England has a foe to vent it on. [Exit Edward, And. Poor lad ! I know whofe houfe he means !o go to next, and there he'll find the doors ihut againft him. Ah, if he knew whoa certain perfon was going to be married too, he'd Blefs my heart — Why, neighbour Enter Spriggins, with a Letter. Sprig. Not much of a neighbour, now — it's a long walk from our houfe to yours. I live with Maifter Kalendar, the great ftar-gazing gentleman, as gives his advice to all his neighbours, and makes all the clipfes of the moon — and, I have brought a letter-— And. From him ? Spri%. No, not from him. And. Well, but for mc ? THE FINGER POST, J Sprig. No, for young Mr. Edward Frankland, in cafe he (hould call on you; — it be afecret who it comes from- And. And who does it come from ? Sprig. Why that you been't to mention — nor you muftn't tell him about fome money in the in fide o't, for fear he mould find it out — I was to give it into his own hands, and as I is very particular, do you take it, and let him have it dire&ly. And. A pretty meffenger — follow him — he's not two hundred yards off — he went that way — Sprig. No, I can't (lay, — got to go a great way home through the foreft — I know you'll give it him — becaufe I mould be afhamed— And. Afhamed ! Sprig. Why, you fee a friend as don't chufe to be known, has fent him money, and two or three of us lads have made a fort of a defer iption for him, and fo have flipt fome fmall matters o' notes under the cover, becaufe if he knew we did it, he might be a little proud like, and wouldn't take it — he's been a bit wild, but we mud help him for fake of his poor father. And. (takes the letter) Weil, my good lad, when you come to be poor, you'll — Sprig. Me poor ! I've forty pounds a year o' my own, befides wages. And. Aye, but if you Jhoud by any wonderful change of fortune, get rid of all .your property, this money you have here given, will come back to you three times over. Sprig. Indeed ! Why then it's almoft a p':ty to fend it — for, if we only give away a trifle in hopes of getting more than lawful intereft, you may call it good-nature, but 1 fhou'd call it fwindling. And. Well, I'll give it him when he comes from old Sordid — you know old Sordid — Sprig. I remember him when I was a boy, but I've never feen him fince I left living hereabouts— 4ie 8 FIVE MILES OFF.; OR, turn'd my father out of a farm once — but — fare ye well— you'll give the letter. And. If you doubt me, take it yourfelf . Sprig. No — it hurts gentlefolks' feelings to give 'em money with your own hands, and, I fuppofe, that's what makes fome on 'em fo afear'd to affront poor folks in the fame way. For my part, I never fret about trifles, and if fo be as a man who cou'd afford it, were even to offer me a hundred pounds, I'd put up with it, fooner than pick a quarrel with any body. [Exit Spriggins. And. Well faid, John Spriggins — the way thou haft contrived thy prcfent to the poor lad, adds to its value. Egad, i don't fee why I (houd'nt take the fame advantage of young mafter — I've faved a tri- fle in his father's fervice. Go for a foldier ! Why fhou'd he be aihamed to take the bounty of his friends — I'm fure, if there was enough here to buy him a pair of colours, no enfign in the fervice cou'd fight under a ftandard more honourably purchafed. [Exit Andrew into the lodge* SCENE — A Room in the Houfe of Mr. Sordid. Enter Edward and Dapper. Bap. Lud, Sir! Edw. Nay, fir, but in a cafe (o material to my interefts, I muft and will be attended to. Dap. But, dear me, fir, where's the ufe of my at- tending to your declaration, when I can't put in an anfwer. Edw. Then call Mr. Sordid — call your mafter — I'm determined to be heard. Dap. You mud have ftrong lungs to make him hear you^he went to London yefterday, and will be returnable in the evening, unlefs Mr. Flail, of Harveft Hall, lodges a detainer and keeps him all night, for he is to call there in his way home. Edw. I'll meet him there. THE FINGER-POST. 9 Dap. Better not, fir — he's as bufy as the firft day of term-— he's going to iee his fon married to MiG» Mary • Edw. To whom, fir ? Dap. MifsMary Flail, fir — as fine a young wo- man as ever appear^ before the king himfelf, at Wettminfter. Edw. His fon! married to Mary Flail — to my Mary—-! never heard he had a fon. Dap. Nor and body elfe, till within thefe few days, nor do I believe, (fpeaking to the bed of my know* ledge) tl*at the young gentleman is yet aware that he has a father. P4xp. Why has fach a circumftancc been fecret? Dap. Haven't received the neceffary inftru&ions to enable me to inform you, fir; all I know is, that mailer's gone to fetch the young gentleman, and I dare fay their meeting will be as pleafant as the long vacation. Edw. Then, it is not only to beggar me x but to enrich a rival, the old pirate has plundered our eftate. Dap. Not prepared at prefent to enter on his de- fence. Edw. But, Mr. Flail can never be fo unjuft. Enter Thomas {with a letter.) Jho. Mr. Dapper, here is a letter directed for — lord blefe him, there he is himfelf— it's for your ho- nour — (gives it refpeQfully to Edward.) Dap. (to Edward) Well, fir; you needn't fear to leave any meffage with me — I'm acquainted with moil of Mr. Sordid's concerns Edw. Are you acc(uainted with his confidence? Dap. Out of my department, I'm his clerl$, and manage his law concerns ; as to confeience, that'* quite another thing, and forms no part of our bufi- nefs— fhew the gemman down. ( Exit' Dapper . 1 10 FIVE MILES OFF; OR, Edw. Will you give me leave to 'open this firft? Tho. Surely, fir, I wifh it may bring good news — it comes from Mr. Flail's, fir. Edw, From Mary's father — 'tis his writing.-*- THE FINGER-POST. 17 Jen. Not at all for that, mi fs \ to be fure, when I were at home, I coud'nt ftir a voot without vather's leave ; and as he never wou'd give it me, I (laid at home like a dutiful child. Mary. Cou'd you never get an opportunity ? Jen. No, mifs, a poor cottage, like ours, had but one door to't — now, your father's, 'fquire Flail's fine hall, ha' got fo many, there's hardly finding the way in or out for 'em. Mary. I was much happier before my father was To rich; and I liked the company of our honeft neighbours, better then all the gentlemen who now pay court to us. Jen. So did I, mifs. The young men of our village did ufe to do the bed to entertain the young women at a fair or a feaft; but gentlemen do fend their fweethearts away from table along wi'the cloth, that they may keep all the good things to a'ter din- ner to themfelves, and yet your fweetheart was a gentleman too. Mary. And is fo ft ill, by birth.— Imprudent Ed- ward ! how early in life to have effected his ruin ! Jen. He had better have riiin'd any body elfc ! Mary. If my father had not fandttoned our meet* ings when we were poor, and Edward, the fuppofed heir to his father's wealth, I fhou'dn't have veniurM this ad of difobedience. — I'm forry we didn't fee him ! Jen. Never mind, mifs ; my fweetheart, John Spriggins, has given the letter, long afore this. Mary. As it contained money, to fpare his feelings, I didn't fay from whom it came. Jen. I was afraid o'that, mifs ; and, thinking that, in all matters of true love and courtmip, there ought never to be no deceit ; and that nothing Ought to be done that nobody fhou'dn't be afhamed on, — Why, I— I— thought Mary, (with apprehenfton.) Yoti thought !— Well ! —and—— C it FiVE MILES OFF ; OR, Jen. I put in a bit of a note— which, as he knows I can't write, he'll never inlpecl: whence it came. Mary. Worfe and worfe ! — imprudent girl ! who wrote it? Jen. Nobody as knows its meaning — Cou fin Remnant, the tailor, be a poet, and famous for what he do call his meafures, and diftiches, and hem- ftiches — fp I axd'n to write down only three 1 jnes, as I had made out o'my own head. Mary. Three lines ! Jen. Yes — he faid three lines are cali'd a driblet \ fo he wrote'n, and I flipp'd'n into the paper that had the blank notes in un. Mary. Do you remember them ? Jen; Yes, mifs — " When fecret love does thus prevail, ?* Remember, thereby hangs a tale — " Your humble fervant, Mary Flail." Mary. Mary Flail ! — why, you're a ridiculous !— 1 -my very name at the bottom, too ! Jen. No, mifs ; I told un there muft be no name at the bottom ; fo he put two lines a'ter that, (a noife heard.) Mary. Hark! fome one is making his way through the thicket. Come, Jenny, how can you loiter here ; we (hall be infulted. Jen. I told'ee how 'twou'd be, mifs ; but there's no caufe for fear, you know; fo, pray, do (lop, and hear the reft of my coufin's poetry. Mary. Nonfenfe !— we are follow'd — Come, girl, come. [rum off. Jen. There, that comes o'fine talking.— When danger be at a diftance, volks laugh at'n ; for my part, I ha* got more courage than to run away at my own fbadow. I dare fay it is only a — (going to look, immediately returns.) Oh, mifs ! flop for I! we (hall be robb'd— we (hall be kilFd— we (hall be—Oh, dear, dear, dear, mifs Mary ! [Exit bawling. THE FINGER POST. 19 Re-enter Black Bob. Black Bob. I thought I heard the fquall of a woman. — I fear fome one is poaching on my manor: it muft be fome new hand ; for gemmen footpads of the old fchool have too much honour to break into one another's valks. — Let's fee, I made but a poor prize of that old traveller ; and this unlucky great- coat may happen to betray me. Til not venture to the village in it. The old man look'd plaguy hard at it. If he had been a young one, I'd have knock'd him down. — I'll leave the coat here (throws it over the finger- p oft.) I have taken one pound, feveh millings, and fix-pence— -for which I muft leave my coat beiiind me. It's rather hard ; and, if times don't alter for the better, I (hall begin to think a man may as well live honeftly, if it*s only for the fake of his own intereft. End of the Firft AB. ACT 1L SCENE— Continued, Enter Luckless (Jhabbily genteel.) luckless. I thought I faw fome one to afk the way of— {takes out a newfpaper)—\tt me fee— (reads) — " If M Laurence Lueklcfs, formerly of - —''—aye, my native place, fu're enough — " will apply to Fire- " brand Flail, Efq. of Harveft Hall, he will he«r 11 of fomething to his advantage." It's high time I fhou'd — I've had my (hare of diiadvantages — but, hang defpair I — it's as fhabby as my own appearance— I have juft made my dinner and my toilet, by the road-fide — brufh'd up my beft, yes, my very beffc coat — and want nothing but a (hower of rain to ao FIVE MILES OFF ; OR, blacken my hat— and then to the Hall like a gentle- man*— (going— fees thepofl with the coat on it)— -Eh ! what the devil 's that ?— a thief? — or a fcarecrow ? Enter Edward. Edw. Neither, my boy — but an old friend who is equally glad and furprifed to meet^ofc. Luck. If I wasn't afraid of making one of my ufual blunders, I'd fwear, that of all other men in the world, you were my once merry companion, Ed- wajd. Edw. You may fwear it with a fafe confcience — I knew >wat a diftance, by your walk, which, like your ideas, is never in a ftrait line ; I cou'd not be miftaken, though I had fo little light to fee you by. Luck, (looking at his drcjs) Why, you have feen me in a better light than this, I confefs, Ned — however, you are very little alter'd— you feem to be as ready to acknowledge a diftrefs'd friend as ever you were. Edw. Heaven forbid I mould be otherwife — but I (hall be truly forry if you arc diftrefs'd ; I hope you don't want mUch afliitance ? Luck. Indeed! Why? Edw. Becaufe, pfha ! Becaufe it would not be in my power to afford it you. Luck. No ! The heir of a fine eftate— the life and foul of all your acquaintance — favourite of the laf- fes — envy of the lads — darling of the tenants — and beft cricket player in Chriftendoro ! Edw. As the poet fays — " I cannot but remem- ft ber fuch things"were, cjnd were moft dear tome %" but, now I am ruin'd— ruin'd by the artifices of my late father's fteward, and- who is now his fole exe- cutor. Luck. Well, but how ? Edw. Guilty of irregularities, which he in pri- vate abetted, I became fo much his dependant for fupport and fecreey, that he was, at length, enabled t o alienate me from my father's affection* THE FINGER POST, at Luck. But — in your father's dying moments— v Edw.. I was artfully kept from him — was dishe- rited — but— d-^-n the money — had I but fee n my father — Luck, Bear up, my. boy, and wifh with me, that ibme quick- elaw'd„ devil may Ey away with Old Sor- did; wherever he is, may the ipot prove the place of his punifhment, and may his ill-gotten goods be transferred to the lawful owner, as unexpectedly as he.qbtaiued them. Edw. Rather let me blame my own want of con- fidence in. a parent. If you.wou/d n't laugh at my morality, I would fay, happy is the child, who by ac- knowledging a firji failing, avoids the necefiuyof a thoufand more, to keep that- one a fecret. Luck. For my part, I, never knew a parent to con- feis my failings to— if I bad, there 'd have been plenty to have acknowledged; but, I keep up my fpirits^and though I was unlucky before I was bom, I don't remember that I cried a bit the more forit« —Have you no money ? Edw* None that I can call ay own. Luck* Can't voir borrow ? Edw. No, for I know not when I can repay. Luck. Which is the very reafon why ibme people do borrow. Edzv. It's not 'he lofs of wealth that I regret, but the artful viper, in the peifon of his fon, wou'd de- prive me of rny.love, Luck, I/as he a fon? Edw. One never own'd till now. Heas to:marry the girl who, — but I muft haften to return the con- tents of this letter, which her difinterefted affe&ion would have deceived me into accepting. Luck. What, you have money then? Edw. Yes, and it has been moft curioufly con- veyed to me — but I have alfo pride— an honefl pride^ which, while I have youth and ftrength, forbids me to appropriate to my owa ufe, the hard-eam'd fa- at FIVE MILES OFF; OR, vingsof thofe who may want them in their old age, or to profit by the artlefs attachment of an inexpe- rienced female; but, come, accompany me to Har- veft Hall. Luck: The very place I'm going to. Til tell you a few of my adventures on the road, and, if what I am promifed thereto^ advantage, can be thrown into^flwr fcale, you fhall fhare it, or take it all, and welcome, (rain heard.) Edw* You're a generous lad ; — let's fee what way are we in ? [looking round.) Luck. In a way to be wet through if we don't make hafte. Edw. Come along then (going. ) Luck. Not that path — look here, here *s a guide for the road, and a coat for the weather. Edxo: No matter for the guide — I know the road lies here. Luck. Does it ? why then the poft lies here — for look — as for this coat — Edw. Comt — it has been hung to dry by feme one. Luck. Who will thank me for taking it out of the wet — I've been curs'd unlucky all my life, and ne- ver found a prize before, (takes it down — [creams are beard. ) Edw. The voices of women in danger ! — follov me, friend. [Exit* Luck, (as be puts on the coat) That I will — Why, Edward — Which road has he taken ? — no matter — for when a female wants affiftence, the devil take him who can't find the way without a finger-poft. [ Exit after Edward.- SCENE— A Hall of 'Sauiu Flail's, Enter Mrs. Prudence and Flail Mrs. Pru. It's to no purpofe being angry, I tell you fhe has gone out, Mr. Flail. Flail. Gone out, coufin Prue ? My daughter gone out, without my leave, or your company ? THE FINGER POST; %% Mrs. Pru Aye, coufm — and heaven knows where (he is gone — nay, if I did n't fcorn to carry tales, I cou'd tell you who's gone with her. Flail. Not that fpendthrift, Edward, I hope ? If the huflTey has dared Mrs. Pru. No, no ; truft to my care for that ; Jane has gone with her-^the wench you have given her as own maid— -own maid indeed, there was no fuch thing in the family, when I had the care of it. Flail. It gets plaguy late — I'll go look for her — ■ I expect Old Sordid and his fon every moment— I . think they might have come a little earlier. Kal. (/peaks without.) Wind N. E. by North. Mrs, Pru. Here's neighbour Kalendar. Flail. With fome of his impertinent advice, I fuppofe ; I remember the fellow when he hadn't a fhiiling. Afrs. Pru. Hum ! or he may remember the fame of you. Flail. When he liv'd by making almanacks, and when you turn'd up your nofe at him. Mrs. Pru. Aye, he was poor then— but now— Enter Kalendar. Kal. Here's alteration in tjie weather ! ah ! Mrs. Prue ? How do, Prue? Mrs. Pru. Prue ! Sir, I am Kal. Rather frofty this evening — Old Firebrand, your nil ; the barometer of fortune has rifen with us both, but (hou'du't alter either of us. Flail. No ; you'll be a walking weather-glafs as long as you live. Kal. Better that than be a weather-cock, eh I Mrs. Prue ! It's time the mercury in our veins (hou'd flick at temperate. Mrs. Pru. It may with elderly people, Mr. Kalen- dar ; but I mall go and fee if that thoughtlefs girl is return'd. O ! Mr. K. for all your cold looks, there was a time when you little thought of change, f Exit. f 4 Ffl*E M&ES f your daughter. FlaiL She fliall marry whom I pleafe ; and what fays your almanack to that. Old Weather-wife ? KaL Why it fays that girls fbould be tranfplanted from the garden of good education— FlaiL I gave ninety pounds a year. KaL To be grafted on fome healthy flock FlaiL Well, and don't I fay KaL While thofe, who from the hot beds of falfe refinement — — FlaiL Whew ! come down from your cabbage ftalks, and don't compare my family to fprouts and parfley beds ; be (he girl, or be (he garden-ftuff, (he marries the fon of Old Sordid. KaL Which is wedding Virgo to Capricorn. FlaiL Now he's got out of the ground into the ikies — didn't you fay juft now, there were feafons for ev*ry thing. THE FINGER POST. *$ Kal. Truly f-~in childhood, to get wifdom and whipping — in youth, fow wild oats— in manhood, mar- ry, and meet with other misfortunes — in old age. — Flail. We're too wife to mifs the tide, by looking at the moon; KaU That's a hit at my old trade ; — never mind — I come of a family who — Flail. Now for their whole chronology ; I knew but two of your forefathers, and they— Kal. Refided here before I was born, which hap- pen'd on New Year's day, one thoufand, feven hun- dred and fifty-five, (ixteen minutes, and a half pad three in the morning, as per grandmother's gold watch, then lying on a claw table in a corner of the room. Flail. Pfha ! I've heard that the firft of your fa- mily came into this country — Kal. Anno twelve hundred and fifty-two, at the very time when Roger Bacon invented the magic lanthorn. Flail. Aye, they carried it about, I fuppofe, and taught their children the art of magnifying. Kal. Sir, my anceftors were never obliged to the family of the Flails, even for a thrafhing. Flail. And as for yourfelf. Kal. I was fent to fchool in the year fixty- three- made prodigious progrefs in ev'ry thing they didn't wifh me to learn — was 'prenticed to a fpe&acle grinder, in fixty-nine, where I learn'd to make alma- nacks, and predicted every thing but my own good luck, till a diftant relation came from abroad, with more money than health, who was fooverjoy'd at my foreboding him a long life, that he died directly, ana left me ev'ry (hilling. Flail. And now you give advice gratis. Kal. I do, and wou'd have you give your daugh- ter where you promifed her — you've had your fortu- nate planet as well as me, and (hou'd remember that liberality is a fun-beam which ought never to be eclipfed by avarice. D *S FIVE MILES OFF; QR, Flail. Sir, I fcorn to reflect on any body, but-— KaL I know you do — and while you refufe to fhare with others, the light which is only reflected on yourfelf, your lucky flar will dwindle to a rufh- light, and, when the extinguifher of Old Time puts you out, you'll evaporate in (moke, old Firebrand. Flail. Put me out, Sir ! I'll put you— KaL Into any thing but a paflion ; look, yonder's your daughter, all agitation, like a pond before rain ', — blefs me ! (looking at bis watch) Venus and Jupiter are on the point of a conjunction ; I'll juft take an obfervation through the next room window, and be back in a twinkling. Flail. Take care, left in making your obferva- tions, you make fome of your ufual errors. KaL I underfland you ; you're always twitting me with experimental miftakes — fuch as flying electrical kites in a thunder-ftorm— and giving fuch a red hot focus to the fchool matter's fpectacles, that they fet his wig on fire — and what then ? It's natural to make miftakes in any art, and when the intention is not erroneous, he's a plaguy ill-natured fellow who won't make allowance for 'em. [£*/>. Flail. Let a parent act as honeftly as he may, folks will blame him ; I dare not wed my daughter to a fpendthrift, nor will I force her to marry where (he has no liking ; and, if Sordid's fon fhould not prove to be the man I take him for — perhaps — but I won't be talk'd out of my reafon, for people ne- ver know the value of indulgence half fo well, as when it comes from authority that knows how tQ make itfelf refpccted. JLnter Mary and, Edward, Mary, (running to ber father) Ah ! rhy dear father fuch an efcape ! I owe my life, nay more, perhaps, to the gallantry of Edward. Flail. Gallantry ! hark'ye, Sir, if you have fer* THE FINGER POST. *7 ved my daughter, I thank you, and fo we part friends. (Leads Mary to the other fide.) Mary. He fav'd me from a ruffian, who — Flail. How came you from home ? Mary. I was to blame to go without your know- ledge— but — I — I meant no harm. flail. Perhaps not ; but more mifchief comes of meaning no harm than you're aware of ; go — and when I have thanked this young gentleman for his gallantry as you call it, I (hall have a word or two for your ear; go, I fay. Mary. Sir, you (hall command my duty and obe- dience; but, there is a fentiment of gratitude, which that young man will ever have a right to. [£xi'/Mary. Edw. And one kind fentiment from Mary will compenfate the cruelty of all the world. Flail. And my cruelty among the reft ; I fuppofc you look on me as a flinty-hearted father— -raydaugh- ter as fair game — and yourfelf as the only poacher who has a right to Ileal her from me. Edw. You are miftaken, Sir, I wou'd neither fully her honour nor my own, by any action that wou'dn't bear the light. As the girl of my heart, I adore her — as her father, I reverence you — but for myfelf, I (hou'd be a hypocrite were I to lay otherwife than that, when I have juft rifk'd my life in her defence, I think I am, at lead, entitled to good manners for my pains, (going.) Flail. Good manners, Sir ! I'm not to be taught good manners by any one, much lefs by a ■ aye, Sir, you may look big, but — Edw. Good day, Sir ; ufe your daughter kindly ; marry her to whom you pleafe, but make her happy and I'll forgive you all. Flail. I won't be forgiven — I never deferved to be forgiven — I'll prove it in your cafe. I had^a daughter, and you had a fortune; I have my daugh- ter it ill, have taken care of her improved her, and a8 FIVE MILES OFF; OR, made her worth her weight in gold, a goo4 for no- thing huffey ! while you— Edw. Have a&ed with imprudence, loft my for- tune, and have been alterpately, the dupe of others, and the enemy of myfelf. Flail. Then how dare you talk of forgiving me. When you fpeak reafon, and know how to hold your tongue, I'll liften to you ; nay. more — as Old Sordid and his fon haven't yet made their appear- ance according to appointment, I'll- tell you. this, my daughter (han't marry till— Edw % Dear Sir ! — Flail. Till to-morrow morning ; and if, by that time you can prove to me that you poflefs a free- hold tenement, one article of live flock, or a fingJe acre of land within fix miles of this houfe, you (hall be the man yourfelf. Edw. You know, fir, it is impofiible ; you know I have neither houfe, land, nor means; Flail. And are yet fo mad as to expect I will match you with my daughter ; firrah ! firrah ! before young folks accufe fathers and grandfathers of cru- elty, and hold 'em up to ridicule in ftage plays and romances, they ihou'd look at home, and think on the greater cruelty of expofing an honeft man's child to fuffering and poverty for the fake of their own felfilh gratification. [Exit, Edw* His arguments are not to be oppofed, and I (hou'd be a fcoundrel were I to proceed.— What's to be done? — iefign her to a rival? — no ! — A houfe and land before to-morrow !■ — Oh ! had I time, I'd overcome all obftacles, and ravifli from Fortune by induftry and perfeverance, the minor gifts of wealth, as mere fteps to the prize I aim at — but now 'tis impoflible. Re-enter Kalendar. Kal. What's impoffihle to a lover? — If he had. order'd you on, an errand to- Abyffinia, or bid you THE FINGER POST, 19 fetch a glafs of fpring-water from the fource of the Nile, you'd have hir'd horfes, and been off dire&ly ; but when he only afks what's done every day, — Edw. Sir! Kal. Why, I've heard all ; and, from friend (hip for your poor old father, fhould like to ferve you, and choufe old Sordid.— Blefs my foul ! has nobody got a little free-hold to difpofe of? Edw. I thought you faw no difficulty ? KaL None but what I can— You're lure you can't buy one ? Edw. Shou'd people without money buy eftates ? KaL People without money have mod occafion for 'em. — Stay, I think I : have it: — Old Flail has affronted me — fpoken difrefpe&fully of my fore- fathers — abufed my almanack — (lighted my advice, and ridiculed my predictions j but 1*11 be even with him. You (hall take him at his word, force him to give you his daughter's hand, and obtain his confent again ft his inclination, Edw. This is a paradox ! * KaL I deal in paradoxes. — Come home with me # and I'll make it as clear to you as the fun in hi* meridian. Edw. Remember, he has a bofom of flint ! KaL Then do you have a heart of fteel, and my brain (hall be the tinderbox, to light a match he little dreams of.— Come, it wou'd be hard indeed, if 1, who have made a model of the moon, added liars to the orrery, and furnifhed fine weather to the whole county, coudn't predicl the end of an affair like this. I had a fweetheart myfelf once, and for her fake wou'd have conquer'd ten times your diffi- culties. Oh, thofe were happy times, when I dreaded no ftorms but in Love's Almanack, when I fetdown frowns for foul weather, fmiles for funfhine, and ev'ry billeldoux for a red-letter-day. [Exeunt, 3 o FIVE MILES OFF; OR, SCENE — Kalendar's Study and Library. An Orrery, Tele/copes, EleElrical Apparatus, Chair, &e. Spriggins and Jenny difcovered. Jen. Lord, now, Mr. Spriggins, if any of the folks at our houfe knew I was here, at your matter's, Mr. Calendar's, what wou'd they fay to it ? Sprig. Why, they'd fay as you com'd a courting to me, or elfe as you wanted to have your fort in told by him. Jen. I'm fure I only came to afk advice about poor young miftrefs — (he'll be lock'd up, and fed upon bread and water, if flie don't marry the itrangc young man that's expected. Sprig. Well ; and how's my matter to help that ? Jen. Why, can't he caft fome of their nativities, and look through a^-nifying-glafs, and tell about ftars and fiery dragons. ' Sprig. A fignifying-glafs ! — a horofcope, you mean. — Lord help you 1 — Why, you be as ignorant as you be pretty. Jen. Yes ; I'm very ignorant. — Are thefe all his books ? Sprig. Yes ; he do know what's o'clock all over the world ; £*-£o-graphy be his hobby horfe ; and, when he's once up, he rides like a witch on a broom- ftaff! Jen. Mercy on us ! and what's that ? (pointing to the orrery.) Sprig. That's a horrary — that's Jupiter and his fel o'ligkts— -and Satan and Lucifer, and the reft of the heavenly bodies. Jen. I thought Venus was a heavenly body. Sprig. Yes ; and this (hews all her motions ; and this is a comet ; and thefe funs be all moons. Jen. (going to the eleclrical machine.) And what's this ? — be this mufic > Sprig. No j don't touch that ; if you turn that handle round, you'll do mifchief— it be put there to THE FINGER POST. 31 be ready againft Mr. Roundabout, the gouty tax- gatherer, comes to colleclnhzA. Jen. Nevermind — is the old gentleman coming up? Sprig. No ; but if you meddle with that infernal machine, you may bring the old gentleman up in good earned. Jen. Mercy on us; and fo thefe are your matter's tools to tell fortunes with. Sprig. No; this is the way to tell fortunes— give me your hand. Jen. La! Mr. Spriggins ! Sprig. Let me fee — aye, you'll be married to a tall— thin young man, about my age. Jen. Indeed! Sprig. Yes, you will marry a bachelor; and your firft hufband will live to have two wives. Jen. What— at one time ! Sprig. Oh, no. Jen. No ! — Why, then, I don't think you under- ftand fortune-telling at all. — I have been told better ; and I wou'd not die and leave the beft hufband in England, if I cou'd help it. Sprig. Then you mall marry me. I've forty pounds a-year, befides wages ; and, if mafter wou'd put us into a new public-houfe, by gemini, we'd fet up the feven figns of the zod'i-wac. Jen. There's too many figns in the village already; the half-moon's never full, and there's nobody jn the fun from morning till night. Sprig. Well; and, if fo be as — (Jenny lets fall a ba- rometer, which breaks. ) there, you've broken one of the beft weather-glaffes — there'll be a fine ftorm when mafter comes home — he'll be all over in a con-ftdl- ation. Jen. 'Twas all along o'you : what did you talk fuch nonfenfe to me for — about feven llgns at one public-houfe* 3* FIVE MILES OFF ; Ok, Kalendar (without-) KaU What the devil are you all at there ? Jen. O dear! O dear! what /hall I do?— I dare not face him -I (hall be kill'd ! Sprig. Run in here; and I'll Ukfe the fault all on myfelf. {puts her into a clofet.) Kalendar enters, followed by Edward. KaU Here's a chaos!— hey day!— who has done this > ' Sprig. Not Jenny, fir — it were I, fir. — I were looking for the great bear, fir ; and, when I faw you coming, I were fo frightful o' your being angry, that I knock'd un over, fir. Kal. Out of my fight, you plague of Egypt! Sprig. Dear, dear, how will jane get out of the clofet ! (afide, and Exit.) Kal. Every thing in confufion — not a planet in its orbit- -the globe upfet — the glafs fallen — and I (hall be ruined.— There, I muft put my ftars out of their reach, (/lands in a chair, and puts the orrery on a high Jhelf.) I think nobody will get at that again. Edw. Unlefs they ftand in that high chair as you did. KaU I'll put that in its place too. (puts the chair in crecefs, behind a curtain, and fixes a chain to it, from the eleBrical machine.) There, that chair is charged with eleclric fluid ; and, if any one touches that, a fingle turn of this handle will tickle their tobies. — John Spriggins ! Enter Spriggins. Sprigfi I be here, fir. KaU Run to O'Gimlet, the carpenter, and bid him make hade where I told him, and do you go and help him. Sprig* Yes, fir. Kal. And John!— Sprig, (re-entering.) Yes, fir. THE FINGER POST. 33 Kal. Take Flourifh, the painter, in your hand, and bid 'em both make bade. Sprig. Yes, fir. — Dear, dear, how will Jane get out of the clofet. [Exit. Kal. And Spriggins!"— Re-enter Spriggins. You dcn't know of any body that has a little free- hold to part with ? Sprig. Vreehold ! no, fir ! I have forty pounds a year, befides wages ; but ■ Kal. Don't ftand chattering there. [Exit Spriggins. Now, a'n't you alJ impatience to know what I'm about? (/o Edward.) Edw. Rather anxious, I confefs, Kal. You obferved, that, in our tranfit hither, I touch'd at the carpenter's, bricklayer's, and painter's. Edw. \ don't fee how that relates to me. Kal. No ! — Did you never hear of my book upon foreft charters, and rights of common? [reaches a folio.) Edw. No, fir; and, at a time like this, I had rather be excufed attacking fo large a volume. Kal. Large ! Heaven forbid a Britifh public mould ever countenance any abridgment of their common rights ! No, no ; here's the paflage (hall ex- plain this myftery- Edw. It isn't long, I hope, fir ? Kal. Silence ! [reads.) f* By virtue of one of our foreft charters, if a man do build a dwelling upon common land, from lun-iet to fun-rife, and enciofe a piece of ground, wherein there Qiall be a tree growing, a beaft feeding, a fire kindled, a chimney fmoking, and provision in the pot, fuch dwelling fhall be freely held by the builder, any thing herein to the contrary, neverthelefs notwithstanding." Edw. But how — Kal. Don't interrupt me : I've bargained for the E 34 FIVE MILES OFF; OR, wooden billiard-room at the Crown. We'll carry it to the foreft, build a chimney at one end of it, plant a tree from my garden, and to-morrow fhall make a freeholder of you. Edw. Sir, your zeal for my fervice makes you forget, that, when the means are unworthy of the end, — Kal. That we ought to flop in the middle? — Pfha! — there are fpots in the fun ; and when we can't fnow white, we mud fnow brown. — Look at that team : (takes him to a window.) there go three parts of your manfion, upon four wheels. — Your ftar is in its altitude. I've hired Charles's wain to carry your houfe and jletfortuna domus. Edw- Yet, ere we go further, Kal. We muft buy a cow and a kitchen range. Edw. But, when Mr. Flail comes to know — Kal. That you've got a good fire and a piece of beef, he'll give you fomething to make the pot boil. Edw. Your plan is romantic— Kal. If it was not, I'd have nothing to do with it t the times are romantic, and I always accord with the /cafons, from one year's end to another. Edw. Always? Kal. Yes ; I bring in the new year, and eat twelfth- cake in January; write valentines in February— March, in proceffion with St. David, and dine with the fons of St. Patrick ; make fools in April; dance with the chimney-fweepers in May; drink the king's health in June-, and .take the longefi day to pay my bills in. Jump into the ocean in July, cut my corn in Auguft; go hopping and popping in September; brew in October ; chair Guy Faux and my lord-mayor in November; while, inDecember, road beef, plumb pudding, old port, blindman's buff, romps, riddles, and killing the pretty girls under the mifletoe, wind up our Chriftmas gam- bols, and fet us all agog to begin the year again. \ Exeunt* End of the Second AR. THE FINGER POST. 35 ACT II. SCENE — An Apartment at 'Squire Flail's. Enter Robert and Luckless. Robert. VVho, Sir (hall I fay wants Mafter ? Luck. Mr. Laurence Lucklefs from London. Rob. Yes, Sir; Mr. Lutky Laurence, from— from where did you fay, Si r? Luck, (gives him a newfpaper. ) Here, that will do inftead of a card ; fay it's the gentleman defcribed in that paper. Rob. Gentleman ! I mujl tell him that, or he won't find it out, I fear., (afide-) [Exit. Luck. With my ufual good fortune ; I loft my friend Edward as foon as I found him ; forgot what he told me about that confounded finger-poll, and have come fome miles out of my way ; I believe what one finds on the highway is one's own, and I'm not a little obliged to the owner of this coat for leav- ing it where he did ; it hides my fhabby habili- ments, and gives me fo much the air of a horfe- dealer, that I look quite like a man of fafhion in it. Enter Flail (with a newfpaper.) Flail. Servant, Sir ; a well looking lad — ( afide. ) glad to fee you, and as you are brought here by this promife, (pointing to the newfpaper) I dare fay you're not forry to fee me. Luck. Nor yet a little impatient to hear you, Sir, on the [ubjeH of that promife. Flail. I'll fatisfy you direftly ; Hi down and tell your hiftory. Luck. Nay, fir ; it is 1 who came to liften. Flail. Indeed 1 and how am I to know whether you are the perfon here meant ? Luck. Sir, I am the fon of a mother who died 36 FIVE MILES OFF; OR, foon after I was born — of a father who never ownM me — and have been left to a guardian, who, between friends, is one of the greateft Flail. Hufh ! you don't know who you are abu- fmg. Luck. I was fo pointed at by village boys as the child of nobody, that I quitted the place of my birth, was overtaken by my guardian, whom I have never feen fince, and fent to a cheap fchool at a great diftance. Flail- So far, fo good : Luck. Perhaps not ; the fchoolmafter was extra- vagantly fond of boxing and rural fports, and paid me fo much attention that I was quickly grounded in the elements of Walton's Angler — cou'd knock down any boy in the firft form— and never under- went even the corre&ion of a fifhing rod. Filal. Nay, if you run away from your (lory — Luck. It will be exa&ly what I did from the fchool ; where, as foon as I cou'd beat the mailer at his own leffons, he beat me in return ; I fled to the college, where Mr. Edward Frankland, a former playfellow, was at his ftudies ; and my guardian for- gave me, becaufe the fchoolmafter dare not demand his money, and becaufe I got the reft of my educa- tion for nothing. Flail. With Edward Frankland? Luck* As an humble companion, we exchanged our mutual accomplifhments ; and, though I may not be as good a claffic as he wiftTd to make me, yet it is my pride to fay, that I taught him to tickle a trout in a itream, or put in a Belcher at a boxing match, with any man in England. Flail. You next went 'prentice ? Luck. To one who detefted latin, and hated box- ing, fo I ran away again from the prejudice of edu- cation, and have been left to my own refources, 'till your public invitation procured me the honour of this private audience. THE FINGER POST. 37 Flail. Your ftory proves you the right perfon — now, hear mine. Luck. I am quite fatisfied of your idenity, and had rather be told what relates to myfelf. Flail* Liften, Sir; a careful middle-aged man, who had been uncommonly fevere on the faults of others, committed one himfelf. Luck. That I haven't the leaft doubt of. Flail. The partner of his folly died, and left a fon ; the father fearing to offend a patron on whom he then depended, pafs'd for the guardian of this boy, whom he brought up to buftle with the world, the patron is dead — the father is rich — and you — you are his fon and heir. Luck. His fon ? — fon to old Sordid ! Flail. You're not afham'd of a rich father ? Luck. Afliam'd ! no, but you're not joking, are you ? Hail. Toking! Luck. I have heard him fo fpoken of, that — that as he is my father I muft forget it. I have not been ufed to the name of father — but I know my duty — and — I (hall never be able to thrafh half the people, that I've heard abufe him. Flail. Well, but he has offer'd you as my fon-in- iaw. Luck. I heard that before I knew who I was. Flail. And, as you have given a true account of yourielf, perhaps I don't like you the worfe for it« Luck. But, as to being your fon- in-law, fir, I have a friend who muft be coniulted. Flail. Aye ; you mean Edward, I fuppofe. Luck. He wou'd furnifh a reafon againft it : but I have another-- my wife might poffibly have fome objection. Flail. Mariied! Luck. Yes ; I can't fay (he's much of a wife, being hardly higher than your cane, but her's is an en- gagement I never intend to run away from. 38 FIVE MILES OFF • OR, Flail. And where is (he? Luck. Ten miles off only— at a little inn, where fhe waits the intelligence my vifit feem'd to promife- FlaiL And what do you mean to do? Luck Why, the beft thing I can do will be to— What do you think ? Flail. Umph! — my advice will be foon given, —-Robert — (EnterRoBERT.)— Saddle my daughter's horfe and mine. — {Exit Robert*) — You (hall fetch your wife, and meet your father — You'll eat and drink firft ? Luck- I have little appetite* _ Flail. Why? Luck- Becaufe I have faded nearly the whole day ; and a pleafant change is fo new to me, that tho* I have always kept my fpirits when in trouble, they feem to think now I have no further occafion for 'em. Flail. Oh ! well ; a good glafs of wine will bring you up again. Luck. Perhaps it may* — I thought good luck was coming when I found this coat, and now I have found this father of mine. Flail. Speak of him with refpeft.— No Ton fhall forget his duty in my prefence. Luck. Aye, fir, but when a parent has taken fo little pains to make other folks fpeak well of him, — Flail. He has the more need to be defended by his children. [Exeunt. SCENE — Kalendar's Study, as be/ore* Jenny, (peeping from the Clofet.) Jen. It's mortal cruel of John Spriggins to let me flay here fo long. — Nobody feems to be in the way - 9 lo, I'll go, without even faying good bye to him. — J '11 be hang'd, if here isn't Mrs. Prudence, old matter's coufin. — If fhe catches me here, it will be as much as my place is worth. — I'll be bound fhe comes to find me out. — What a mean thing it is for people THE FINGER POST. 39 to be fo curious. — I'll hide again, and try if I can't overhear what (he wants, (returns into the clofet.) Enter Mrs. Prue. Mrs. Pru. Why, the houie is quite deferted. — I'm fare I traced that huffey Jane to the door 5 and, whether (he comes to fee John Spriggins, or to con- sult Mr. Kalendar, I'm determin'd to difcover. — 1 hope it's John ; for, if (he dare have any defign on his matter — it's a (hame for young women to be trying to decoy men who, — blefs me, here's Mr. K. and I don't think I ever look'd fo mockingly in all my life, (runs io a glafs, and adjujls berfeif. ) Enter Kalendar. KaL The work goes bravely forward — bricklayer, carpenter, painter, glazier, and gardener, all bufy ; and I'll bet Herfchell's telefcope to an opera glafs that our plan will be accompliuYd within time — Ah, Mrs. Prue, this is an honour. Mrs. Pru- (fimpering*) Do you really think fo fir? KaL Any particular commands— -came home in a hurry to electrify the gouty tax- gatherer, and mud be off again direftly. Mrs. Pru- I lhan't detain you, fir.— I neither want my fortune told, nor my nativity call. KaL Cou'dn't do that if you did.-r-Ladies never tell their age, you know. Mrs. Pru. You have been taken in then? [Jenny peeps out, Mrs. P. fees her.) KaL Oh, yes ; the dear deceivers have play'd me a thoufand tricks. .Mrs. Pru* {eying the clofet-) Indeed! I thought as much. Kal. Yes : there was your neighbour, Mrs* Wi- zenface, came here t'other day. Mrs. Pru* (Mil watching the clofet.) An impudent huffey ! KaL No, not impudent, but as fine as a rainbow, 40 FIVE MILES OFF ; OR, and as crooked, into the bargin : — She gave nje a wrong age, and I prophefied all the good things that have fince happened to her grand- daughter. Mrs- Pru. It's a great fliame. KaL But what* can 1 do?— J don't know how to difpofe of half the females who come to me. Mrs. Pru- No ! — have you no convenient room, Mr. K. you cou'd contrive to put a lady into? Kal. Oh, Mrs. Prudence ; fie for fhame ! why, you wou'dn't think of fuch a thing, wou'd you ? Mrs. Pru. {bridling.) Me ! no, fir 5 but there are fome whom you might lock up, with their own con- fent too. Kal. I keep no key for any fuch purpofe : my clo- feis are all full of curioftties of every age; and I wou'dn't put a woman among 'era for the world. Mrs. Pru. (fignificantly.) Is there no curiofity in that clofet ? KaL A great many : — it contains all the rarities of the feventeenth century ! from the time cauliflowers were firft planted in England, trunk-hofe gave way to modern inexpreffibles, judges began to wear wigs, and Peter the Great went 'prentice to a fhip-carpen- ter. Mrs. Pru. And, pray, when were invifible girls invented ? Kal. In the reign of Queen Elizabeth, you cou'd oaly fee a lady from fore-head to the chin; but now, nothing's invifible but the petticoats. Mrs* Pru. Well, fir, you may talk as you pleale ; but I fay ■ Enter a Boy. Boy. Sir, matter can't get our of his gouty chair; and wants to fpeak to you at the door. KaL That's lucky ; I fhali the fooner get back to my job in the foreft. (aftde) Excufe me, Mrs. Prue. Go along, Dickey, (exit Boy.) I'll follow. Mrs. Pru. But, fir, I mult fay one word. THE FINGER POST. 41 Kal. I'll be back, directly, but can't flop long ; in the mean time, perhaps, you may take a peep at the planets; or, if you'd like to fee my new conductor, you may ftep up to the top of the houfe, and treat yourfelf with a nafh of lightning : and, when I'm lefs bufy, I'll fhew you ev'ry natural curiofity in my whole collection. [Exit Kalendar. Mrs. Pru. I'll make bold to fee one of 'em now. — No, no, I'll take no peep at the planets — my difco- veries (hall be of more confequence — But, flop — the hufley will deny fhe came to him, though it's plain enough why he wanted me out of the way : — he faid he'd return — fo, I'll juft hide behind this curtain. — When he thinks me abfent, mifs will be let out ; — but I'll fpoil their tete-a-tete* I warrant, (goes into the recefej where Kalendar had put his eleclrical chair* Re enter Kalendar. Kal So! — one plague's got rid of; — and now to fend off the other.— Eh ! gone ! — I didn't fee her come out \ but I fuppofe fhe flipt by, when I was talking to the old gentleman. Jen. (who has come out during hisfpeech.) Which way did fhe go, fir? Kal. Mercy on us ! which way did you come? Jen. Dear, dear, fir, I be fo frightened. — I came, fir, by way of z#-fulting your knowledge about poor young mifTus ; and, when the old woman catch'd 1 in the cupboard there, I — dear — dear — I be fo fright- en'd — Kal. In the cupboard ! — Oh ! — why, then, the old Jezebel meant fomething. — I cou'dn't think what fhe was at, ogling me with her northern lights. — Well, fit down, Jenny, I canlpare a moment to talk to you, — Sit down, and recover yourfelf. You're F 4* FIVE MILES OFF; OR, a good girl ; and T fhould be happy to give you fome little proof of my regard. Mrs. Pru. {from the recefs.) Oh ! oh ! (in a half JupprtJJed voice> ) Jen. What's that !— blefs me, I be fo frighten'd. Kal. Something wrong in my machinery. — Stay, as old Gouty won't be electrified to-day, I may as well let off this machine. It's full charged, and may do mifchief elfe. {goes to the machine.) Jen. Oh, dear, fir, don't ye go to touch that ; for John Spriggins do tell I it will raife the devil. Kal. We'll foon fee that— Jen. Do let I get out of the way then, (runs to the other fide. ) KaL There, you foolifh girl (turns the handle, Mrs. Prtje kr earns and jumps out of the tecejs % Jenn y falls on her knees • Kalendar/j a flow fie d. ) Jen. I never was fo frighten'd in all my life. Mrs. Pru* I never was fo fhock'd in all my life. Kal. I dare fay not — Egad I mufl have tickled her. Mrs. Pru* You-~tickle me! Sir, I am fo angry, fo choaked with paflion- - Kal. That you feem quite electrified. Jen. Indeed, dear madam— I- - Mrs* Pru. Out of my fight, you hufley — Jen. Oh I wifh he'd fluff her into one of his great telegraphs. [Exit. Mrs* Pru. This is the gouty tax-gatherer you came to, fir. Kal. No, it isn't. Mrs. Pru. What bufinefs had fhe in that clofet? Kal. To fee what you were doing, in that corner. Mrs. Pru. But my coufin fhall know, and fhe (hall leave the houfe directly. Kal. You're welcome to do the fame ; and next time you come here to make experiments, take care you don't get another curtain lecture* THE FINGER POST. 43 Mrs- Pru» Sir, if you had a (ingle fpark of good breeding — 1 Kal If I had, I'd recommend him to you dire&ly, —but you've exhaufted all my fparks, and I wifh. you much benefit from the operation. Mrs. Pru. I'll fee the young hufley punifh'd, that I will. [Exit. Kal. And 1*11 fee the old man fafe out of the houfe. Egad, if every time I turn this handle, it produces fuch a fudden fquall as it did juft now, it will be unfafe to touch it : What between the old woman in the recefs, and the young one in theclofet, 1 was completely galvinifed ! [Exit* SCENE — The entrance of a rujlick Inn. Enter Laura Luckless, from the Houfe. Lau. No, I can fee nothing of him. — I wifh I had gone with him, — what a misfortune it is to have a hufband that's always unlucky. — I dare fay this fine promife in the newfpapers, was only a trick, and he'll come back fo crofs ! Heigho ! what a hurry I was once in to get married, and now we have fo many troubles, vexations and quarrels ! — O lud ! O lud ! Marriage without money isn't half fo pleafant as the days of courtfhip. SO A 7 G— - Laura — {adapted to an old Air.) The hawthorn was blowing, young flow'rets were gay, Primrofes were growing, birds fung on each fpray, But fweeter fung my true love, far Iweeter to my ear, I'm waiting here for you love, 'tis the fpring time of year. 44 FIVE MILES OFF OR, II. In fummer I yielded, my love's bride to be made, But as leaves droop in autumn, our joys too will fade, For love without riches is chill'd by the froft, And 'ere winter, alas ! all mypleafures were loft. Enter Sordid* Sord. Blefs my heart ! Blefs my heart ! Five miles ! Why I do think I've travell'd fifteen, and this is the firft houfe I've met with ; — I can't have much farther to go. j Oh ! there's a female, — young woman ! Lau. Young woman ! Sord. Well then, Mifi Lau. Sir, I'm married. Sord» Why then, Madam, do tell me how far it is to Harveft Hall. Lau. It's ten miles, fir, — and long ones too, if I may meafure by the abfence of my hufband. Sord. Ten miles ! it was only five, three hours ago. Lau. Which way did you come, fir ? Sord. I came by the poft. Lau. Then perhaps you've been mis. sent, by a wrong direction. Sord. Mis-sent! So I've walk'd off my legs, broke my appointment with old Flail ; rifk'd fome of my property ; loft the reft, — and here comes the very man that robb'd me of it. Lau, Oh there he is! — My dear, dear fellow — I'll fly to meet him — I'm fure he's been lucky, for he's got a new coat already. [Exit. Sord. Oh ho ! She's a confederate— I'll get affift- ance from the houfe, recover my lol's, get forty pounds for apprehending a highwayman, and that huffey'sdear fellow (hall behang'd. [Exit into the houfe. THE FINGER POST. 45 Enter Luckless and Laura. Luck, to Robert. Give the horfes a feed, my lad, and we'll be back to your matter's directly. Well ! my dear little Laura I Lau* Well, Laurence — do tell me all. Luck. Directly, I guefs your impatience, and — did they give you any dinner in this devil of a dog- hole ? Lau. If they had, I cou'dn't have eat it for anxiety. — Well, you went to the Hall, and found— L Luck* An old friend, a new coat, and a father ! Lau. A father! Luck. Aye, and a rich one too, you little rogue— Lau* A rich one! Well, I don't know how it was, but it always wou'd run in my head, that you muft have had a father, though you never found him out. Sordid enters from the Houfe with Landlord, Black Bob, and Countrymen, fmoking* Luck* But I've found him out now, and a curious one he is too. When I afk his bleffing, I dare fay the firfl thing he'll fay, will be Sord* (coming forward*) Knock him down. That's the fellow that robb'd me*—(theyfeize Lucklefi.) Black Bob* (afide*) That's my coat, fure enough-— Luck* Scoundrels ! I never faw that man in my life. Lau. My hufband accufed of robbery ! Sord* Search him— I'll fwear to my money, it's al 1 mark'd. Black Bob. (comes forward.) Mark'd-— why any bo- dy may mark money; may be you'll fwear to that, {/hews a piece of gold. ) Sord. That— why, I will fwear that he,---no,— that— that piece of gold-— — 46 FIVE MILES OFF; OR, Land* That old gentleman's crazy ! Sord. Crazy ?-- Don't let him go-.for I'll fwear to the man by the coat— Luck. The coat ! Sir, I pick'd this coat up on the highway. . Sord I dare fay you did. Luck. And when I found this hanging on a poft— Sord You little thought of being hang'd yourfelf, —bring him along. Lau> Pray don't— he's innocent. Black Bob. Mayhap he is — A man is not to be found guilty by outfide appearance. I knows fome- what of law. — What's a coat ? — a coat isn't a man. — There, I'll put it on > and what of that ? Sord. Why, then, if it was the laft word I had to fay, I'd fwear that you are the man that did rob me. Landlord and Countrymen. Oh, fhame ! fhame ! Lau. Shame* indeed ! — that wicked old man will fwear any thing. Luck. Harkye, fir. Sord. Seize him, I charge you. Black Bob. Would you like to try the coat, Mifs ; perhaps, he'll fay 'twas you. Sord. He robb'd me clofe by a finger-poft, in the foreft where four roads meet. Countryman. Then the finger-poft mud have grown there fmce morning' — That old fellow tells nothing but flams. Luck. To be call'd a thief ! — I infill: on carrying him to Mr. Flail's. Sord. The place I'm going to — only mind you do carry me — for I'll not walk another ftep — and, as we go, I'll (hew you the very fpot where I was robb'd — and take my money out of the bank, by the road- fide, {apart.) Luck. Are the horfes ready ? THE FINGER POST. 47 Enter Robert, Rob. All ready, fir. Black Bob- Well, then, as nobody * Teems to own this coat, perhaps, I have as much right to it as another. Sord. Stop, fir — No running away, (feizes him.) Luck. Aye ! I infiftxm our ail going, and having this all clear'd up. Sord. Pmin cuftody-— mind that— and I'll bring a Twinging a&ion for falfe imprifonment. Luck. Come, then, we (hall have juftice at the hall j and then I (hall have an action againft you for charging Laurence Lucklefs with felony. H Sord. Who — What, are you — Luck- Don't talk to me, fir — you've faid too much already. Sord. But. my dear boy — my Luck. Put him on the Tquire's horfe. — Come, Laura. [Exeunt Luckless and Laura. Sord, Gentlemen !— only hear me— call him back; for I do believe that unnatural bird, that ungracious varlet, is neither more nor lefs than my own (on ! Countryman. Oh, dear, Oh, dear — he be quite mad —bring him along. [Exeunt. SCENE — The crofs Roads and Finger Poft> with the addition of a neat wooden Houje, with a Brick Chimney, a Lamb grazing within the Pales that furround it. When the Scene is dij "covered, a great knocking is heard, as if within the Hou/e—a Bricklayer is fixing the Chim- ney Pot — Spriggins, on a Ladder, is nailing a Cher- ry-Tree againft one fide of the Building— F lou ri.h is painting the Pales— O'Gimlet is hanging a UttleGate to them — and KaLendarw looking out of a Window, 4 8 » FIVE MILES OFF; OR, Kal. Well done, boys ; work away outfide, whlie we finifh within, and I'll be with you diredtly. (r*- tires from the window,) O'Gim. I fay, Mr. Flourifh. Fku. Well, friend« O'Gim. Don't be twiddling there about nothing; but bring one of your fifts here with a pound brufh in it. Flou. I will not come at thy bidding ; nor will I ceafe twiddling until I fee occafion, O'Gim. O, mighty well ! — the thing's all done to your hands ; and, if you won't finifh it, it's no fault of mine. Sprig, {coming down.) Never faw a better bit of gardener's work fince I was born. Flou. Yea ; the dwelling is moil neatly colour'd. O'Gim. It's the prettied timber'd edifice within five miles, let who will be next door to it. Sprig. Oh, talk of beauty, my tree againft your houie, for what you like. Flou- Thy tree has fpoil'd my paint, which will alfo fpoil thy planting. Enter Kalendar from HouJe> (Smoke rifes from the Chimney-) Kal. There! all ready, infide and out; old Mar- gery's blowing the fire ; Edward's gone to afk for his wife ; and there only wants a fun-dial on the door- poft, a weather-glafs againft the wainfcoat, and an almanack behind the door to complete the furniture. Enter Bricklayer. Brick. Neat bit of brick work, that there chimbley, —my mafter— devilifh well— it fmokes,— It's a pity the walls an't brick too. THE FINGER POST. 49 Kal. No pity at all :— an Englirti freeholder's houfe is his caftle, and wooden walls are a devilifh good prote&ion— eh 1— why, that poft points wrong. O'Gim. That's impoffiblc, when it points to every road in the place— it's painted wrong, honey. Flou. The fault is in the top, which moveth: O'Gim. Not at all ; I knock'd a great nail in it awhile ago, to keep it where it is. Kal. Well, away with you; drink long life to the new landlord, for here he comes, huzza! {They Jhout as Edward enters with Flail— -the Quaker Jhouts in a formal manner — the workmen go off. Flail. Hey-day ! whofe dwelling's this, I wonder ? Is this what you mean to fay is your's ? Kal All his :— houfe, goods, chattels, and live ftock— cattle grazing — tree growing, and chimney fmoking— — Sprig. And if your worfhip pleafes to come in, you (hall fee me lay t' cloth. [Exit into the houfe. Edw. You fee, Sir, I have not deceived you — our common friend has enabled me to claim your promife. Hail. And do you mean to claim it on fuch grounds? Kal. Such grounds wou'd make a beautiful figure in an au&ioneer's catalogue ; four profpefts at one view — fpacious enclofure — one head of live lamb, and a garden full of wall fruit ; and do you think he means to have all this trouble and expence for nothing ? Edw. At lead, Sir, I hope you will not give Mary to my rival ? Flail. Why, no ; I won't for two reafons ; in the firft place, he's married already; in the next, if you give proof of continuing fo induftrious, I — ~ G 5 o FIVE MILES OFF; OR, Kal. Why, who the deuce have we here, I won* der? £»/£r Sordid j/^Counttyman— be runs to Flail, andjlares about him while he /hakes bands. Sor. My dear old friend— you'll hear me fpeak, Pmfurc— I've been fo ufed, that why this can't be the place where I hid my money (afide.) Flail. I don't wonder at your gazing about — I can hardly believe my own eyes. KaU [to Edward) There's Mary, run and meet hen [Exit Edward. Enter Luckless and Laura, Luck, (to Flail) Ah, Sir! we've met half- way; — here is the lady of whom I told you — and there is a crazy old man who accufes me of robbing him. — fainting to Sordid, who is Jearching and 'peeping about for bis money. ) Flasl. Shall I never teach youth to be refpe&ful 5 that crazy old man is your father. Luck. Found at laft, and in this place too ? Sor. Found ! is it found ? Where is it ? give it me directly. Flail. Why that's your fon, and that's his wife. Kal+ And that feems to be the long and the (hort of it. Sor. I faid it was my fon--but married ! do come this way ? (Flail, Sordid, Lucklefs, and Laura go up the fiage. ) THE FINGER POST. 51 Enter Spriggins, with a dirty bundle from the houfe. Sprig, (to Kalendar) Here be a dirty bundle in a black handkerchief, kicking about among the rub- biih — it do chink as th'of 'twere money. Sor. Give it me — it's mine — it's — KaL (/hatching it) No, it's not your's ; whatever is found in that houfe, belongs to its owner. Here, Edward, f Edward re-enters with Mar y. ) You're lord of the manor ; perhaps this is a prize for you. (Gives him the bundle — Mary goes to her father — Jenny enters and runs to Spriggins, who in dumbfhew 9 points out the new houfe, &c.) Sor. A prize indeed ! 'tis mine — 'tis money, mort- gages, and, above all, there are the writings and titles of his father's eftate. KaL And where have the title deeds of a deceafed father, a better right to be than in the hands of his fon ? They were found under his roof. Sor. They were under no roof — when I buried them, (a/ide.) Luck. Father feems to have brought a pretty houfe over his head. Edw. Take your money, Sir; thefe papers mufl be examined elfewhere. Flail. So, fo ; he'll get his eftate back, (afide.) Why, Mary, what do you hang on me for ? I know you'd rather take his arm by half; go. Mary. I obey you Sir, with pleafure. Flail. To be fure — fee how I bring up my children. Kal. Ah ! You always faid (he was a good girl. Sprig, (to Jenny.) And what be you hanging upon /for? Jenny. I hanging onvou; why I'll bewhipt if he hasn't been a fweet- hearting o* me as hard as ever he cou'd ever fince I came into the place. 5 t FIVE MILES OFF, &c Kal. Come, let's into our new dwelling, and try to compromise. Sor. But what's to be done with the man who robb'd me ? Flail. Done with hiraJ take him to the village, and lock him up: I'll make him leave off his roguifh habits. Luck. And when fee does leave off his habits, don't let it be where I may pick 'em up again. Fdw. Among thefe papers is one of no pecuniary worth, but to me a prize above them all. Sor. You may keep that — it's of no ufe but to the owner, (afidc) Edw. It contains the bleffing and forgivenefs of my father; and cou'd you have withheld Kal. No 5 I hope nobody here would wilh to withhold forgivenefs, and tho' our edifice be forrned of (light materials, yet, as it is only intended for a fummer houfe, we entreat our Lords and Ladies of the Manor to allow it Right of Common. the sun. EPILOGUE. EPILOGUE. WftlTfffttf BY GEO ft CI COtMAN, BS^. CHARACTERS ■ Calendar • • • • Brit* Faw-cstt, Flourifti • • • • «vir • LfSTOW. Spriggins • * • » Mr* Matkiw*. Jenny • • « A • Mid GlBBS. £*/*r Kalsnda* {reading ait almanac*.} Kal. Almanack lays, this day— aye thus it goes ; « Sev'nth of July— Thomas a'Becket— Toes.** " The weather overeat*/*— That founds but queer; I hope to find no chuiy faces here ! What next ?— Oh ! to this market, no difmay ;— M Fine weather now for getting up the Hay.'* Box-keeper, bere t makes hay, when in he crams Arms, Jhoulders, ancles, hips, knees, legs, and ham? But when he fluffs you in, all fnug and warm, O! Vox StellarumS— who can then inform Whether 'twill turn to fun-Jbitit or a ftorn t Of this night's caufe who (hall be undertaker ? Our poet trembles— Enter Flourish, Flan. He hath fent a quaker. Kal, What is it you predict about our plar Think you 'twill profper ? Fbu* i Peradventure, yea. EPILOGUE. JT*<. Sometimes they clap, and that betokens bliis* Flou. Sometimes the fpirit moveth,and they hifs. KaU Have you no friends above there ?— (Po/»/- ing to the gallery, J Flo U% -Thou doll feoff. KaU Why fo ? Flou. Thou know 'ft they call out there, " HaU of. fi Enttr Spri coins and Jenny. KaU Spriggins ! my man ! you're here, I'll hold a To ferve the Play — [guinea, S/rigi i i ■ . I'fe been, and married Jenny. Jenny. Beneath which fign, Sir, is my hufband born I KaU Like many hufbands — under Qtprkarn. Sprig. Under what fign, then, do the flcy make htr KaU The Crab. [go t Sprig, i There, Jane ; I know'd it wasn't Wirgt. Ifaidfo. Jenny* Hold your prate, then, foolilh— do ;— Your Meafter's wife, and know'd it afore you. KaU Now for the bard :— A thwart his telefcope, May no malignant planet damp his hope I May no eclipfes make his profpecl black ! Sprig. Nor no bad fign in all his Zodj-nvack. KaU With mirth, may eyes, like ftars be twinkling Friend Flourifh, don't you join in this ? [merrily ! Flou. Yea verily. Sprig . I wifh him right good luck, now, by my figgins ! Jenny. And happy as a bride, like Jenny Spriggins. KaU Come then — '/• the Audience) — You, Libra, or the Balance, hold ; Applaud him, and he'll feel like Leo bold; If you condemn— for Fortune is precarious— His eyes muft then be governed by Aquarius, DRAMATIC DRAMA! IC REPOSITORY No. 19, Great Ruflell Street, Covent Garden. J. BARKER refpeafully informs the Public, that he has a Collection of Plays on Sale, which, confidered either as to its Extent or Rarity, has fcarcely been equalled, having been upwards of Thirty Years accumulating and confiderably en- riched from the Libraries of MR. HENDERSON DUKE OF BRIDGEWATER DR. FARMER — SHELDON, ESQ. MAJOR PEARSON DR. WRIGHT MR. DODD MR. MACKLIN G. STEEVENS, ESQ, MR. FORSTER, MR. REED, &C. &€• In this AfTemblage will be found the oriOinal Editions of our moft valuable Writers ; as, SHAKESPEARE MIDDLETON JONSON WEPSTER CHAPMAN BEAUM.&FLETCHER HEYWOOD MASSINGER Subjoined to thefe, are the more modern Author* to which every Article is added, as foon as publifhed, SHIRLEY DAVENANT GLAPTHORNE KILLIGREW, ice ±c This Day is publifhed, PRICE FIFTEEN SHILLINGS, A New Edition, with very large Additions, 0* COMMENTS ON THE Several Editions of Shakefpeare's Plays, Extended to thofe of Malokb and Steevbks. By the Right Hon. JOHN MONK MASON. Printed for J. Barker, (Dramatic Refofitory) Great RufTclI- ftreet, Covent-garden. Alfo % A frw Remaining Copiet of MURPHY's WORKS, 7 vol. MASSINGER's WORKS, 4 vol. With Critical and Explana- tory Notes, by Gifford did piapg Bought, or taken in Exchange. Published by J. Barker, GREAT RUSSELL STREET, COVENT GARDEN* >b,T. ,«6d| * i J FIVE MILES OFF. or THE FINGER POST, as VALENTNE and ORSON, is 6d NAVAL PILLAR, is 6d > by T.Dibtfift. HORSE and the WIDOW, 1 1 6d THIRTY THOUSAND, 2s 6d INDISCRETION, a Comedy, z*6d SIGHS, or theDaughter,Comcd3r i CAPTIVE of SPILBURG, is 6d > by P, Hoari CHAINS of the HEART, 21 6d THREE and the DEUCE, 2S YOUNG HUSSAR, i»6d ADRIAN and ORILLA, is 6d YOUTH, LOVE 2nd FOLLY, is 6d SEA SIDE STORY, ts 6d f by W. Dimond, frt\, HERO of the NORTH, Hlft. Play, as6d HUNTER of the ALPS, is 6d VETERAN TAR, Comic Opera, is 6d > SHIPWRECK, is £ by J. S. Arnold. " FOUL DEEDS WILL RISE," 1 s 6d > LONDON HERMIT, or Rambles in Dorfotfltrre, Is 6&' LIFE'S VAGARIES, a Comedy, as IRISH MIMIC, or Blunders at Brighton, ts I ._ a»v..*» LITTLE HUNCHBACK, it * b TONY LUMPKIN in TOWN, is BIRTH-DAY, or, the Prince of Arragon, is'ftd TRIPtotheNORE, is WANDERING JEW, ts COUNTERFEIT, 2. BROTHERS, a Comedy, zs6d f IMPOSTORS, a Comedy, 2s > by Camberlsm*. BOX LOBBY CHALLENGES 2s 1 FASHIONABLE LOVER,Com. 2s6di J ABROAD and at HOME, an Opera, 2s > ^ „^ RED CROSS KNIGHTS, 2, \ ** ^^^ WAY to KEEP HIM, a Comedy, 2s * ALL in the WRONG, a Comedy, as I - . „. Mnt „ kt v by Franklin* 1 I by 01 ARMINIUS, or the Champion of Liberty, RIVAL SISTERS, is 6d tat. &c. VORTIGERN, anHiftorical Tragedy ,reprefented at the"} Theatre Royal, Dmry-Lane; and, I HENRY the SECOND, an Hiftorical Drama ; fuppofed ['**' to be Written by the Author of Vo r t x g b k n . J SICILIAN ROMANCE, an Opera, by H. Siddons, is WIDOW of MALABAR, a Tragedy, by Mifs Starke, Ss 6d COLUMBUS, an Hiftorical Play, by Morton, as 6d SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER, byO. Goidfmith, at RICHARD CCEURDE LION, is 6d BOLD STROKE frr a HUSBAND, by Mrs. Cowley, 2s CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE, by Garrick and Colman, tt6A CHAPTER of ACCIDENTS, a Comedy, by Mifs Lee, is 6d SPOIL'D CHILD, a Farce, is 6d THE SULTAN, or a Peep into the Seraglio, it SIXTY-THIRD LETTER, by W C.Oultos, is 6d OF AGETO MORRGW, a Farce, is 6d THE SCHOOL FOR FRIENDS, a Comedy, by Mift Chambers, as 6c SPANISH DOLLAKS, a Fajce,by Mr. Cherry, it.6d