Km !'tii^r?,AFDio / ''\ Abe Martin's Almanack lABE MARTIN'S ALMANACK BY ^'^'' KIN HUBBARD Being a Faithful Full Year's Record of the Sayings and Doings of Abe Martin and his Neighbors, together with Biographies of the Same and Much Valu- able Information for Those Who Prefer to Live by Agriculture, along with Miss Fawn Lippincut's Spirited Replies to Timely Questions from Many Sources. ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR One Dollar Net GARDEN CITY NEW YORK DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION LNTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLITDING THE SCANDINAVIAN COPYRIGHT, I9II, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESS, GARDEN CITY. NEW YORK To my old and esteemed friend, Romeo Johnson, I dedicate this little volume Co l^in i^ubtiarli— tl)e JFatt)et of pi$ Counttpman, ^bt ^artin : ABE MARTIN! — dad-burn his old picture! P'tends he's a Brown County fixture — A kind of comical mixture Of hoss-sense and no sense at all ! His mouth, like his pipe, 's alius goin'. And his thoughts, like his whiskers, is flowin* — And what he don't know ain't worth knowin' — Prom Genesis clean to baseball ! The author, Kin Hubbard, 's so keerless He draws Abe 'most eyeless and earless ; But he's never yit pictured him cheerless Er with fun 'at he tries to conceal — "Whuther onto the fence er clean over A-rootin' up ragweed er clover, Skeert stiff at some "Rambler" er "Rover" Er new fangled automobeel. It's a purty steep climate old Brown's in; And the rains therehis ducks nearly drowns in The old man hisse'f \vades his rounds in As ca'm and serene, mighty nigh, As the old handsaw hawg, er the mottled Milch-cow, er the old rooster wattled Like the mumps had him 'most so well throttled That it w^uz a pleasure to die. But best of 'em all's the fool-breaks 'at Abe don't see at all, and yit makes, 'at Both me and you lays back and shakes at His comic, miraculous cracks, Which makes him — clean back of the power Of genius itse'f in its flower — This Notable Man of the Hour, Abe Martin, the Joker on Facts. Very truly your old Hoosier friend JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY Indianapolis, Indiana. KIN Kin Hubbard ! Why " Kin" ? What does that "Kin" stand for? "Hubbard" is a name we all know ; it is fairly common. But "Km"? For years, knowing him, I puzzled myself about why that was his name. I kept wondering why he had chosen it and from what he had abbreviated it. And then it came to me that he had not purposely done it. It just happened on him. At any rate, he awoke one morning and found that one touch of nature had indeed made the whole world Kin's. BOOTH TARKINGTON Abe Martin's Almanack ABE MARTI N'S Abe Martin l^raton by Caar C. VCft'/ltams. _from a da^uer- reoiype iaKen on the ienth annit)er^ary JfSk of the jigning o_f the commercial treaty betbifeen the X/nited Spates and the Otto- man Porte ALMANACK Ther's no conjestion o' traffic on Easy Street. A firm chin is helpless without a stiff upper lip. You never see idleness and worry arm in arm. Two hobbles make a harem. Tell Binkley found two dollars in a ole vest yisterday an' he can't t^^ who he owes 'em to. It's funny folks can't eat soup with- out thinkin' ther bailin' out a cistern. ABE MARTIN'S Tell Binkley has traded his sister's farm fer a new torpedo shaped racin* car. V Th* feller that takes a drink with a stranger an' his watch er soon parted. Ex-editur Cale Fluhart has come out flat footed fer th' licensed saloon as he says a fellow will sometimes pay fer his paper after he's been drinkin'. V Ther' haint nothin' as demoralizin' as a holiday. I hate t' eat by a feller that holds his arms like a snare drummer. ALMANACK A bank never loses a opportunity t' close. V A loafer must feel funny when a holiday comes along. Melodeon Hall is t' be whitewashed on th' inside as it smells like a justice o' th' peace office. Any boy would rather have a spoonful o' castor oil than a educa- tion. It's nice t' live in a little town where you don't have t' give some- buddy a dime t' hold your overcoat. ABE MARTIN'S Curt Hedges, o' th' Fin de Siecle tonsorial parlor, has organized a quar- tet. He has a deep thick voice like a bumble bee in a jug. One advantage o' livin' in a little town is that you er absolutely sure t' see at least one performance o' St. Elmo ever' season. What's become o' th' ole fashioned girl that used t' say "lips that touch wine shall never touch mine ?" Somebuddy wuz seen comin' out o' our Carnegie library Wednesday fore- noon. ALMANACK A feller alius speaks o' goin' with a widow like it wuz somethin' smart. ABE MARTIN'S Fun is like life insurance, th' older you git th' more it costs. If it wuzn' fer good fer nothin* triflin' fellers, who'd peddle sassafras? V A uniform an' a celluloid collar er inseparable. If ther's anything a public servant hates t' do it's somethin* fer th' public. A feller haint married very long till he begins t' buy mud colored shirts. If ther's anything worse than big business it's mighty small business. ALMANACK Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' garden is jist before they go a fishin'. What's become o' th' ole time girl that used t' wait patiently till th' right feller come along ? Mrs. Aaron Shot has dropped out o' the Art Embroidery Club and sub- scribed fer a newspaper. V Lafe Bud is gitten' t* look so shabby he only shows up on dress suit occa- sions. Miss Fawn Lippincut talks some o* goin' on th' stage in a film so she won't have t' walk home. ABE MARTIN'S Who remembers th' good ole fash- ioned days when th' only time you smelled bacon wuz when you passed a workin' man's home ? Some fellers wear a suit o' clothes so long ther in style two er three times without knowin' it. Lafe Bud says he's got a uncle that dresses so well he heats his home with suit boxes. Nothin's as aggrevatin' as gittin' a circular when you're lookin' fer money. Tell Binkley entertained a lot o* green relatives on St. Patrick's Day ALMANACK You'll alius' find th' same ole Satur- day night crowd everywhere but home. Madame Neuralgia, th' clairovoyant, has rented a room next t' th' barber shop. She unravels th' past, tells you where your umbrella is, an* how t* keep from buyin' a pianner. Miss Tawney Apple is organizin' a hammerless card club. V Say what you please about a fly, it alius sticks t' its home paper. Th' trouble with havin' friends is th' upkeep. ABE MARTI N'S I was just thinkin' about th' ole Bryan banquets — wilted lettuce an' tri-colored ice cream. What's become o' th' dentist that used t' fill your mouth full o' rubber an' then ask you about your folks ? If at first you don't succeed don't try again. Th* leader o' th' orchestry at Melo- deon Hall has a new black sweater. Th' great struggle o' labor seems t' be t' do so much an' keep from doin' any more. ALMANACK MISS FAWN LIPPINCUT Besides being a finished recitationist and a tasty trimmer Miss Fawn Lippincut is just roguish enough to buy chewing gum at a cigar store or get a seat on a dol- lar excursion. Miss Lippincut gets her dramatic instinct from her father, who was a hostler with Grady's circus and later wrote some creditable cal- liope scores. Miss Lippincut, in ten- derly recalling vari- ous incidents in her father's life, relates that the notes of the calHope scores were as large as cro- quet balls and beautifully executed. "Don't Go Down Town After Supper, Father, Dear" ABE MARTIN'S is from the pen of Miss Lippincut, and she is also the author of several short stories that are somewhere in the East, not having been returned to her. Miss Lippincut is single and happy, and wiU continue her literary work, not caring to be a trained nurse. ALMANACK Don't worry over trouble, it never broke a date yet. "^ Th' guests o' th' New Palace hut-tel were aroused at nine o'clock this mornin' by th' fumes from a hot box en th' roller towel an' rushed frantic- ally into the streets thinly clad. While goin' after fishin' worms in a field where his wife wuz plowin' Tipton Bud found a Indian dart. A good natured feller gits all th' thankless jobs. There's a reason fer ever'thing — unless it is side whiskers. ABE MARTI N'S A feller never knows what he would o' done till he's been married a couple o* years. Miss Fawn Lippincut will probably stop her literary work 'cause she writes so legibly. Ole Aaron Shot, whose wife died Monday, was married agin last night. When th' boys started t' bell him he come t* his door an' said, " Shame on you, don't you know ther wuz a funeral here not three days ago ? " 'V Th' trouble with banquets is that they set you so close t'gether it knocks th' peas off your knife. ALMANACK HON. EX-EDITOR GALE FLUHART Hon. Ex-editor Cale Fluhart was born of Republican parents in a county that was overwhelmingly Democratic and became the sole support of his entire family at a tender age. His early life was just one long, continu- ous combat with about everything that is Hable to happen to a fellow who is in the minor- ity and without funds. One bright mor- ning young Fluhart took over a country newspaper called The Ga- zette-Banner-Ledger in a horse trade and at once set about to change its political leanings to suit the general contour of his home county. In a short time he worked up to ABE MARTIN'S an alpaca coat and commenced to look like a regiilar editor. With due bills on every store in town he soon became the envy of the whole country side. Accepting a lavish offer for his holdings he bought The Shield oj Liberty in northern Ohio. After some weeks he traded The Shield of Liberty for The Roundhead Bugle, which he published for several days before buying The Herald of Truth in southern Ohio, which he subse- quently sold in order to give his full attention to The Democratic Lance, a new paper which he had estabhshed the week before in the Western Reserve. Selling The Lance and buying The Union in eastern Ohio, Mr. Fluhart once more directed his energies in behalf of the Republican party. Being defeated for postmaster Mr. Fluhart changed the political tone of The Union and later traded it for a thriving Democratic paper in Georgia. After an unsuccessful race for the nomination for Attorney General of Georgia Mr. Fluhart sold out and launched a Republican paper in one of the river coun- ties of Ohio. Being defeated for the Col- ALMANACK lector of Revenue in his district Mr. Fluhart suspended publication and went to Dakota and established The Northwest. In this last venture Mr. Fluhart's attempt to purify the community was discouraged by a fire that completely destroyed his oflSce. His loss, which included nine Stetson hats along with the paper's mechanical equipment, completely ruined him and he returned to the east and settled in Brown County, In- diana. Aside from attacking some of our modem vagaries over his own signature Mr. Fluhart gives his whole attention to perfecting a Ught-running towel roller. PROFESSOR ALEX TANSEY Occasionally we meet a fellow in some hon- ourable walk in hfewho was once a dominant figure in politics, and Professor Alexander Tansey, the subject of this sketch, is a splen- did example. Professor Tansey was graduated from the Ann Arbor, Michigan, Law School after pass- ing through all the ups and downs in the cate- ABE MARTIN'S gory of tough sledding. With an endless flow of beautiful English at his command and a style of expression rarely encountered he soon be- came a powerful Demo- crat. One cold day in the winter of 1896 he was found in his office exhausted from hunger and almost frozen, and induced to accept a po- sition as teacher in a school inBrown County, Indiana. During the evenings Mr. Tansey II \\W^ "k reads a little medicine \H \l % .^k ^^^ ^^ vacation time i.vHUIX ^^HM jjg solicits for a work called "Gems o' Verse and Prose." He also has the exclusive rights to four counties for the Little Monitor Churn and is a regular contributor to Pleasant Moments and other big Eastern publications. ALMANACK Ther haint nothin' a woman likes better'n havin' somethin' charged. Th' odor o' buckwheat an' sausage can't be counterfeited. Pinky Kerr says he never had but one girl an' it took two fellers t' beat his time — workin' afternoon and night shifts. Th' good ole cross-barred dried apple pie haint hardly ever encoun- tered any more, 'cept in the sparsely settled districts. A kicker is nearly alius wrong. ABE MARTIN'S It must be nice t' run a boardin' house an* not have t' worry 'bout somethin' different fer dinner ever' day. V It's wonderful how well informed th* average loafer is. Nothin' kin look as out o' place as bean soup on a black shirtwaist. V Miss Germ Williams is gettin' t' be more versatile all th' time. T'day she wrote two newspaper recipes — one fer bean salad an' one fer furni- ture polish. A sympathizer is a feller that's fer you as long as it don't cost anything. ALMANACK A optimist is alius broke. ABE MARTIN'S I wonder who gits all th' big lumps o* coal? Thanksgivin' ushers in th' open season fer relatives. One good thing 'bout bavin' one suit o' clothes — you've alius got your lead pencil. Nothin's as irritatin' as th' fellow that chats pleasantly while he's over- chargin' you. Ther's gittin t' be too many folks that work jist long enough t' git a suit o' clothes. ALMANACK Miss Mazie Bud is gittin' t' be so purty she haint got a girl friend. V A Saw Mill in Winter, a delicate little water color from th' brush o' Miss Tawney Apple is excitin' much favorable comment. Her ability is native as her father used t' paint tar- gets in a shootin' gallery. Tell Binkley says he alius hates th' first o' th' month, when we all git let- ters with isinglass fronts. March i8, i860. Matthew Smith, famous financier, was born in Boston, Mass. He was reared in poverty and was almost 41 years old before he raised his first two-dollar bill. He died in prison. ABE MARTIN'S Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler. A roller towel wouldn' be so bad if th' landlord changed th' film oftener. Th' feller that won't pay anythin' believes in treatin* ever'buddy alike. Miss Germ Williams jist laughin'ly scratched her name an' address on a link o' bologna last campaign an' t'day she received a copy o' Sen. Reed Smoots' speech agin Canadian reciprocity. KLMANACK MISS GERM WILLIAMS Miss Germ Williams first attracted public attention through her brilliant editorials in various poultry journals and her many- valuable suggestions pertaining to farm Ufe in America are eagerly sought and relished by people of all professions. She is the real type of the literary woman, paying little atten- tion to her hair or the commonest rules of tidiness. She is inclined to bulkiness and straight lines and would not let a social obligation stand in the way of an onion in a thousand years. Following are a few choice selections from Miss Williams's pen: A farmer will find patent leather shoes to be more comfortable if, before putting ABE MARTIN'S them on, he breaks an egg in each one. Any kind of eggs will answer. A croquet ground covered with fine sand will be found effective. Any kind of fine sand will do. A celluloid collar may be cleansed by a solution of lye and emery dust. Any coarse fibre scouring brush will do. In a country home where spaghetti is quite popular whiskers should either be abandoned entirely or closely trimmed about the mouth. Any kind of scissors will do. The old wire spring clothespin makes a fine muffler for a guinea. Poultry raisers will find sirloin of beef a most excellent substitute for eggs. After selling a carload of hogs a farmer should never stop till he gets home. ALMANACK Nickel theatregoing in the cool of the evening, after a lukewarm plunge, will be found to be a splendid diversion and quite effective — especially during the plowing season. Emerson's Essays and Plutarch's Lives may now be had in cheap but durably bound editions. Why not make the farm attrac- tive? The excitement of farming may be alle- viated by frequent trips into the country. The harrowing experiences of farm life are aging and inclined to make one hate the world. Whenever possible something in a lighter vein should be provided. The inclination to quit the farm for the monotony of city life is already a serious problem for the agriculturalist. High au- thority has suggested a modification of the social customs — croquet being severely criti- ABE MARTIN'S cized as not only being demoralizing but brutalizing as well. In addition to her earnings from poultry and dairy products a farmer's wife may add a snug sum to her exchequer by the culti- vation of camels. The combings of these useful animals are made into brushes of the finest texture and are much in demand. A farmer's wife may while away her long idle afternoons by the diabolo exercises, which are both exhilarating and conducive to grace and symmetry of arms and limbs. ALMANACK What's become o' th' ole fashioned spotted coach dog that used f snap at ever'buddy that went thro' th' livery stable ? 'Bout th' only thing a newspaper don't have t' exaggerate is a automo- bile accident. V Uncle Niles Turner will soon be as ole as th' jokes in a woman's magazine. Sometimes a self-made man is as poor a job as a home-made hair cut. V A newspaper picture makes any- buddy look guilty. ABE MARTIN'S A holiday alius makes th' next day seem like Sunday, 'cept th' front an' side doors o' saloons er both open. Th' best thing 'bout a player planner is that you don't have t' coax it. One good thing about a little town — you kin git in th' band. 1^ Th' principal trouble with folks that'll pay if they've got it is that they git things without havin* it. Ever' feller has a age when he gits his picture took with his hat on. ALMANACK Query Department Conducted by Miss Fawn Lippincut How may I destroy the odour of a grocery cigar? Ethyl. Answer. By burning a trunk strap. This may be accompHshed by holding small strips of the strap, cut after the fash- ion of cheese straws, between the thumb and index-finger, over the flame of a small oxidized brass oil burner. Place the burner on a small square mat. suggest linoleum for the mat. Odds and ends of the same may be procured at a trifling cost at any carpet house. 'PJ'the absence of linoleum use a cold buckwheat cake. ABE MARTIN'S Is it a violation of the ethics of society to kick a fellow wearing tan shoes and a frock coat? Harry. Answer. While the provocation in such an instance as you describe would be very great it would be far better to restrain your- self, if possible. What may be used for a pink tea when sassafras is out of season? Henrietta. Answer. The answer to your question will be found on page lo, column 3, of this paper in the issue of Monday, August 17, 1879. I am keeping company with a young man who claims to love me. He says it doesn't cut any ice with him whether I know how to cook or not. Shall I go ahead and learn anyhow? Carmen. Answer. If the young man's age is between sixteen and twenty your mother should be in easy hailing distance. A sUght knowledge of cooking will not injure you permanently. ALMANACK My husband has been offered a very lucrative position in the West. Should I give up the presidency of an Embroidery Club and go with him? Mamie. Answer. That is purely a question to be settled between yourselves. In case of a deadlock your mother might be called in consultation. She will guide you safely. How may I keep a college athlete from kissing me if he wants to? Nell. Answer. Send me a self -addressed stamped envelope. I am very thin and inclined to whine in unguarded moments, yet I have many gentlemen admirers. Is there any account- ing for infatuations? Belle. Answer. No. I have been going with a young man for seven years. He is qualified in every way to make me a splendid husband. I try awfully hard to like him but he wears a ABE MARTIN'S set ring on the middle finger of each hand. What would you do? Beatrice. Answer. It is a serious failing, to be sure, but remember we all have our faults. I am very popular but I have no evening clothes. How shall I proceed? Bob. Answer. Stick to your present system. Is there any rule for cutting steak after it has been served to you? Maud. Answer. The recipient of a piece of steak should keep one foot on the floor while cutting it. How many terms must a postmaster serve before he becomes a gilt-edged pinochle player? Cap. Answer. Two, and sometimes three. While studying to be an artist may a student draw on his father? Clement. Answer. In case a young man or woman takes up the study of art without first learn- A L M A N A C K ing a trade it becomes necessary in the absence of other material to draw on some- thing, although it is not at all obligatory. Is there any way to arrange the hair that will not emphasize a retreating chin? CmsPA Answer. No I am madly in love with a worthless gen- tleman but my mother objects to him. Are worthy young men ever attractive? Caprice. Answer. There are isolated instances. Please tell me the most direct route to a man's heart. Louise. Answer. The stomach is the great division point for all lines leading to a man's heart, with side trips to the liver and lights. Is wax-flower making a lost art? Adelaide. Answer. Yes, and there is no reward. ALMANACK What is considered a fair yield of turnips? Robert. Answer. Any kind of a turnip crop is a failure. I am a young lady with auburn hair, seventeen years old and no blackheads. How may I profitably invest one dollar and seventy cents which I have saved? Annette. Answer. Hide it where it may be reached readily. You may get a wedding invitation. Is it proper to get married merely to have somebody to hook your back? Clarice. Answer. Make a confidant of your mother. - Can there be perfect happiness where the husband is absolutely sure of his wife's love? Garnet. Answer. No. Is there any pinching process that will enliven pale ear lobes for an entire evening? ALMANACK How old IS John Drew? May I sow larkspur out of doors? What states pay the highest salaries to school teachers under twenty and of fair quality? Name some desirable locaHty where there is a preponderance of men. Ionia. Answer, i. I do not know. 2. I do not know. 3. I do not know. 4. I do not know. 5. I do not know. I have be'en asked to go to a picnic with a young man who wears a belt in addition to suspenders. Would he excite comment? Florinel. Answer. I would forego the pleasure in this instance. The season is young and you will doubtless have other opportunities. I am often forced to walk downtown with a neighbour who insists on discussing books. As I have beautified my home premises at an enormous expense I do not wish to sell out if I can help it. Will you please suggest something? ^ Sam. ABE MARTIN'S Answer. I would sell. Peace is worth any sacrifice. I am often invited to attend musical treats. How may I decline and still appear appre- ciative. Annabelle. Answer. I can offer no suggestion. Be cheerful and remember that into each life some rain must fall. Will you please suggest some pleasant remedy for the liver besides buttermilk? I am frail and do not admire it. Fanchette. Answer. Riding on an elephant. I am much in the society of a young lady whose father runs a saloon where my father plays dominoes. Is she good enough for me? Clarence.J Answer. If she is a good, shapely, sensi- ble girl and you are fond of one another I can see no objection to your father playing dominoes — if he keeps on playing. ALMANACK Through unwise speculations my father is at last reduced to straightened circum- stances. Please suggest some light, pleasant employment that will not interfere with my Swedish chest exercises. Eulalie. Answer. It would be best to forego your beauty treatment until you get on a good paving basis. I am a worthy young man of splendid habits and good prospects. I have ushered at seventeen church weddings and put up thirty-two hammocks so far this season, and yet the girls do not seem to care for me. Ersie. Answer. Intersperse your exemplary hab- its with an occasional rash act. I am regarded as being cute and witty, and yet my quieter girl friends are doing all the marrying. Is it my style of pitching or a wee mole near my upper lip that is handicapping me? Vrtan. Answer, It is probably difficult for your ABB MARTIN'S gentlemen frienas to imagine you scouring a sink or turning an egg. I suggest soberer methods with just a dash of comedy here and there. Is it permissible to hold hands with a young man who has only called on me once? Madge. Answer. It is often necessary. Will you please suggest some means whereby I may hasten the growth of rhu- barb? Aunt Ella. Answer. Don't force rhubarb. It will get ripe soon enough. I have a little boy nine years old that can draw anything. Will you suggest some good art school where I may send him? Pap. Answer. You have a remarkable child. I do not know of any art school that needs him. ALMANACK Where may I buy butter colour to match any hair? Thrifty Farmer. Answer. Don't know. You can buy hair dye to match any butter. All druggists. My husband buys forty-five cents worth of mixed drinks every time I send him for a five-cent loaf of bread. How long will we keep our home? Margery. Answer. It takes longer to drink up some homes than it does others. Try baking your own bread LATER. Your kind suggestion was acted upon and our home will be sold under the hanomer to-morrow, Margery ABE MARTIN'S January 14, i8yg. Isaac Moon, promi- nent agriculturalist, died near Dayton, Ohio. His cultivator may still be seen standing in the open field just where he left it six months before he died. July J/, 1820. Harold LeClair, actor, was born at Bucksport, Maine. LeClair first discovered that tomatoes were edible while essaying the part of Hamlet at Ann Arbor, Michigan. May 7, i8g6. Nathaniel Marsh Zane, aged 100 years, died at Sharp's Crossing, Ohio. He was in Chicago the week following the nomination of James G. Blaine. ALMANACK TELL BINKLEY Perhaps nobody ever contributed more lavishly to the spiritual and material up- building of his home county than Tell Bmkley. Mr. Bink- ley has been a mem- ber of the Civic Pride Club, Commercial Club, all secret or- ders, humane and charity organizations and prominently mentioned twice for county treasurer, three times for county recorder and once for road super- visor. He has been especially active in Sunday school and foreign mission affairs and was the foreman of a jury some years ago in a celebrated cow case that commanded the attention of the whole country. It was through the un- ABE MARTIN'S tiring energy of Mr. Binkley that the Bean Blossom Trust Company, a home for the savings of children and widows, was prop- erly financed and operated. Mr. Biiakley was the treasurer and guiding spirit of the concern. After wrecking the trust company Mr. Binkley resided some years at Ft. Leaven- worth, Kansas (the prison at Columbus, Ohio, being overcrowded), after which he returned to his old stamping grounds. Mr. Binkley sells tornado insurance and owns a touring car. A L M A N A C K Mrs. Tilford Moots entertained th' Art Embroidery Club yisterday as it wuz too wet t' plow. A slangy evangelist does about as much good as an auctioneer. Next t' a good resturint th' hardest thing to find is yisterday' s paper. Conceit an' a tuxedo suit er often all that's necessary. V Quite a crowd gathered in front o* th' Little Gem resturint yisterday t* see a feller with a droopin' mustache eat spaghetty. ABE MARTIN'S Ther's many a slip twixt th' blue prints an' a new house. It's funny women'don't even absent- mindedly shut a car door occasionally. Lafe Bud says he's sorry he didn't learn t' be a dentist so he could charge folks jist what he happened to need. Constable Plum's married dorter, who lives in a city, went to see John Drew in a sack suit last night. ALMANACK Th' whistle never blows fer mother. A B E M A R T I N ' S Speakin* o* cafes, some fellers would eat a croquet ball if a orchestry wuz playin.' Faint heart never won fair lady er got its change back from a box office window. Th' fact that all our great men studied at night don't seem t' hurt th' nickel the-atcrs. It seems uke you can't buy anything any more that lasts as long as th' ole one. ALMANACK UNCLE NILES TURNER While Uncle Niles Turner is a trifle over one hundred and three years old he unhesi- tatingly admits that, except for the scarcity of wild turkeys, our modern way of liv- ing compares fa- vourably in most respects to that in vogue fifty or sev- enty-five years ago. Mr. Turner re- tains his faculties to a wonderful de- gree and can ad- dress a souvenir post-card without the aid of spec- tacles. He claims to have once read a presi- dent's message and can remember when tomatoes were ornaments and trousers were lined like garden hose. It is always a pleasure to hear Mr. Turner describe the ABE MARTI N'S exciting days following the introduction of rhubarb into the United States. Although Mr. Turner brought the first organ to Indiana he is generally respected. A C One good thing about livin' on a farm is that you kin fight with your wife without bein' heard. Miss Fawn Lippincut says her objection to a tourin' car is that you can't throw th' lines around th' whip. '^ Ever'buddy stood up at Melodeon Hall last night when th' orchestry played " My Country, What is it t' you?" Ez Pash asked Dr. Mops what wuz th' matter with Miss Mouldy Bud an' he said, " Oh, you wouldn't know if I could pronounce it." ABE MARTIN'S Nothin' sounds as good as your wife's singin,' whether she knows how er not. Lafe Bud was arrested by the weights and measures inspector fer braggin* about a ten-pound baby. "^ Talkin' o' great authors, a hog from th' pen o' Tilford Moots brought $47.21 yisterday. Some folks don't seem t' have nothin' but a lot o' infermation. V Miss Tawney Apple's niece is t' be married jist as soon as her paw's able. ALMANACK Bosko Moon died at 8g yisterday. He was th' first Democrat t' be well liked in this county. If at first you don't succeed, let your hair grow an' git a broad-rimmed soft hat an' a Windsor tie. V Mortimer Green (wet) an' wife (dry) Wednesdayed at Morgantown. V Some girls git all ther is out o' life in one summer. You kin alius tell a travelin' sales- man by th' number o' seats he mon- opolizes. ARTI This is a funny ole world. Jist as soon as you git fifty er seventy-five cents saved up your shoes break on the sides. Constant Reader, Lilac, Indianny — Th' little poem by Miss Fawn Lippin- cut, which you asked fer, is printed herewith: — Oh, th' purty little birds ! How I love t' hear them sing, Ez they flit from tree t' tree — Let me count them, one, two, three ! Some er red an' some er blue, But th' red er very few. ALMANACK THE CHICKEN FEVER By Ex-Editor Cale Fluhart La Salle Montgomery, who recently traded his magnificent farm of one hundred and sixty acres of valuable broom-corn land for a poultry yard in Illinois, has written the following letter to his married daughter, Nettie: "Meet me near the old mill with a straw hat. I have a pair of felt boots and a rain coat. Hurriedly, Father." The foregoing is but one of the many tragedies directly attributable to the lure of the poultry business and tells the pathetic story of a strong, robust farmer in the prime of young manhood who became crazed from reading a poultry journal. Perfectly sane men have forsaken home and civilization in quest of gold, have resigned remunerative positions to try their hands at selling cigars or life insurance. Women, too, bright, intellectual women, have thrown away their ABE MARTIN'S social prestige and deserted their children for some foolish hobby — in all ages people have rushed frantically into this or that sometimes for gain and often for the mere gratification of some abnormal longing. But who can explain our great exodus from the legitimate channels of business into the realm of poultry culture? Can it be possible that people are influenced by what they read in this enlightened age? Can it be inspiration? ALMANACK POULTRY NOTES Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Morgan start to- morrow on a tour of the world, to be gone two years. Their poultry farm will be in charge of Mr. John Alexander during their absence. — Keystone (Iowa), Ledger. ARTI N'S Aunt Mandy Crevison, of Ottumna, Iowa, only lost two chicks out of a possible seven thousand during the first five- months of 191 1. Her crop was sold at a fancy price before an egg was pipped. — Tyler (Ore.), Scimitar. By far the most fasliionable cotillion of the year was given by Mr. and Mrs. St. Obydn McDougal, White Wyandotte Place, South Island, Wednesday eve. Full settings of Indian Runner duck eggs were given as favors. — Elgin (N. H.), Bugle. Count Shovelthewhisky, of St. Peters- burg, Russia, is one of the many distinguished guests of the Warringtons, of Minorcas Place. — Greenfield (Kan.), Sun. The Willow Dale poultry yards are for sale, as their owner, young Mr. Todd, is tired counting money. — Walnut Grove (Oliio), Budget. ALMANACK The largest egg of the year was laid on our editorial desk yesterday by Henry Moon, of The Maples poultry farm. Come again, Hen. — Morristown (Minn.), Bulletin. The Rev. Miles Stone, of Hurley, Wis., has traded his prize cockerel, Moses, for a handsome new 191 1 torpedo-shaped racing car. — Bloom Centre (Ohio), Telegram. While returning from Cliff Haven, N. J., where she had just marketed her eggs, Mrs. Sally Marsh was held up and robbed of $3,900. — Associated Press Dispatch. William Allen Feather, the egg baron of Barred Rock Heights, has given $1,000,000, unconditionally, for a public library at Jones- ville, Minn. There promises to be a lively legal battle over the vast estate of the late Sam Pool, the poultryman, of Round Prairie, Ohio. ARTI N'S The wife of Hampton Wedge, the multi- millionaire Shanghai breeder, has received a divorce and $75,000 a month alimony. Mr. Wedge was awarded the custody of the chickens. — St. Paul (Ind.), News. Mat Terrell, of the Ivy Leaf poultry ranch, has sold his Buff Orpington hen. Lady Decies, to a Boston fancier, for $1,500,000. — The Hen and Home Magazine. ALMANACK Mrs. Stanhope St. Clair, a prominent society leader of Cleveland, Ohio, earned $1,500 from twenty hens on a city lot 40 X 10, which is the sixth best showing so far for 191 1. — The Galveston (Tex.), Egg Ex- change. Mrs. Bob Braden has sold one half interest in her poultry business to her husband, who has disposed of his bank and other valuable holdings that he may give his whole attention to the cultivation of White Leghorns. — Lisbon (Conn.), Banner. •s If ther's anything in th' world that ought t' fit snug it's a pair o* white stockin's. V As fer as inspiration goes ther haint much difference between th' yaller back novel and th' dollar eighteen kind, 'cept th' boys go West an th' girls go East. Miss Fawn Lippincut says that one bad thing about v/hite shoes is that they all look like number eights. Once in a long, long time you meet some one that haint bein' either knocked or boosted. ALMANACK ly I I !■■■■■ M .^— ^ — 11 ■■ II III. I ^1 I I ■■ I ■ II I I , ., A end-seat" hog is alius somebuddy you don't care t' rub up ag'in. V Folks that rush in alius crawl out. V Fer every feller that goes in th' chicken business one fails. V People that bliirt out jist what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought. V Th' girl that runs with an easy mark alius marries a tightwad. Th' farmer that used t' go home after th' perade now stays fer the show. BE MARTI N'S I'll bet if ther wuz a uniform devorce law Jake Astor would have a swell uniform. Next t' a blue tub full o' pink flow- ers ther haint nothin' that spoils a landscape like father settin* on th' ve- randy in his bare feet. V A self made man wouldn't be so bad. if he'd jist keep still about it. Some fellers er very fastidious till they come t* a free lunch. One fork makes th' whole world kin» V Th' feller with th' droopin tan mous- tache alius prefers it on th' cob. ALMANACK Curt Hodges, our tonsorial artist, reports a big Saturday — one hair cut, two shaves an' a hedge. Lafe Bud got a advertisin' circular this mornin' from a tailor that thinks he's single. A romantic girl alius marries a scamp. Mrs. Tilford Moot is th' mother o' seven grown children — all married 'cept six. V Look out for th* boy that buys a diamond with his first earnin's. ABE MAR TIN'S If ther's anything in a feller a second wife' 11 git it out. "^ Ez Pash says th' centre o' popula- tion is in th' hairbrush at th* New Palace hut-tel. A clerk is alius tickled t* death t* wait on th' person that drums on th' counter. V A feller kin often attract more atten- tion by keepin' still. Pinkey Kerr wuz able t* walk down town this mornin' fer th' first time since he smoked a se-gar he bought on a train. A L M A N A LAFE BUD Lafe Bud developed a hatred for agricul- ture early in life and began a commercial career by taking up with a crayon portrait house and preying on the humbler classes. He can now ride with the window down, reg- isters from New York and can look at a bill o' fare without b eing seized with indecis- ion. Mr. Bud is in his twenty-eighth year and has been married five times and still carries a cane and a pocket- ful of lavender buds, suit clubs and lost his first travelling position liction, a coun- o' $3»ooo worth vful hard season t' keep her v^^hite elp her mother. ^rence between vhat he thinks He has been blackl -..^ ^c ui lwo ABE MARTIN'S for charging five dollars for supper at Ko- komo in his expense account. Mr. Bud recently declined a splendid offer to keep books because doughnuts and Busy Bee coffee don't agree with him. A clerk is allu wait on th' perso counter. A feller kin ofte tion by keepin' st Pinkey Kerr ^ town this mor since he smok ALMANACK Tipton Bud was jugged yisterday fer disturbin' th' peace while writin' a pustal card with a pustoffice pen. Speakin o' Indianny fiction, a coun- try editur wuz robbed o' $3,000 worth o' jewelry th' other day. This has been a awful hard season on th' girl that's tried t' keep her white shoes clean an' still help her mother. Ther haint much difference between th' feller that says jist what he thinks an' th' feller that says just what he thinks you think when it comes t' bein' a pest. ARTI N'S Ther's three kind o' eggs on th' market these days — fresh, strictly fresh an' those known t' be fresh. Next t' th' average relative ther haint nothin' that sticks as tight as a stamp that's been put on by mistake. "^ Next t' a cantaloupe ther haint nothin' as fickle as a pop'lar girl. When a feller gits beaten fer office he alius says his wife didn't want him t' run. How'd you like t' be pug nosed an' have t' wear spectacles ? ALMANAC (i ,s\i,,via^ It looks like jist th' folks that ought f be walkin' have automobiles. ABE MARTIN'S While attendin' a Sunday school convention yisterday Tipton Bud bought three sequestered bonds. Th' socialist party is jist around th' corner. A onion a day keeps th' doctor away — an' others. Ever'buddy is afraid o' boardin' house hash but a one armed feller. Th' unusual plentifulness o' parsnips ought t' greatly reduce th' cost o' livin' — likewise the desire. A L M A N A It's twice as hard t' do somethin' you ought f do as it is t' do somethin* you can't do. What's become o' th' fresh clerk with a glass solitaire that used t' slap you on th' back an' say, "Well, what's on your mind t'day ?" You can't even git a divorce any more without a tourin' car. Ther's generally a false bottom in a bushel o' fun. Th' girl that wears a hobble skirt wouldn' stoop t' do lots o' things. ABE MARTIN'S Ever notice how quick a father sets his child down after he carries him into a circus fer nothin' ? f Ther's lots o' difference between thrift an' tryin' t' revive a last year's straw hat. Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home. Pinky Kerr says that one o' th' best things about livin' in a E flat town is that you kin wear th' same collar all summer. ALMANACK CONSTABLE NEWT PLUM iroiigh some unaccountable provision of nature we occasionally find some gentle- man who has risen from most unhospitable soil to a position of affluence. Constable ClulT yistena^ Newt Plum is a notable instance. Mr. Plum was raised on a beautiful and imembered, but it's productive farm in vveeter t' be over- the Miami River Valley in Ohio ^>^ After exhausting ^ the facilities of tK^^ ^^^^^ hatched el- common schools k. , , father sent him , '"separable. Princeton Unive) ^ broad jumps wer3 the envy oi all ms class- mates. Quitting that famous institution crowned with hor ours he entered the Cincin- nati Law School, where he finished in fine form. Striking West to do for himself with ABE MARTIN'S only $7,000 to tide him over in case of ill luck he found himself after a few months working as a common field hand, playing pool in the evening and saving his money through the long tedious days. He finally drifted to Brown County, Indiana, and, being a fellow who could drink or leave it sdora an' tryin' tt into poUtics. Luckily, straw hat. he was nominated and isition he has held many \ long career in office Kindness goes a kted once. A pair of times when it ought t'ted from the star's last season during ■:-^\^--:l.: