\ \ rAIRT TALES UPH^NOW 'jjyri:ooiJii C JOHN HENRY NASH /<4-'-^-'-^— -^ '^^y.jLj.A.Ajo^ \Jrtyi 7T , f^e.' //r ; fc.^] EXTRA!! FmRy-mMTONOw WIILUIGEIilNJH[ BANDIT, tGIIIN OLD FAVDDITES SLlYEyLREIIDY CONVICTED or lOVE SONNETS OE II HOODLUM UNO RODIIIIfllT OF DMtO KHAYVIIM, JR. THE VICTIMS: BABES IN THE WOOD CINDERELLA JACK THE GIANT-KILLER SLEEPING BEAUTY LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD PAUL ELDER, THE SAN FRANCISCO PUBLISHER, BRINGS TO LIGHT THE DETAILS OF THE TRAGEDY Copyright, 1904 BY Paul Elder and Company San Francisco Entered at Stationers' Hall London The Tomoye' Prem San Francisco TIBLE or CONTENTS I. THE SLEEPINE DEIDTY (IE mOMD lEII) - II. LiniE RED IIIDIIIi; (liiraiTEO ffli) - - - - 6 Hi. BIBES IN THE WOOD (KFOILmDIIPPEIIS) - - 10 IV. CINOERELU (fflS IT BUSS) - - - - 15 V. JACK THE eUNT-KILLEII (nEWEDTnECIIIIIT) - - 20 Of yore the foolish Fairy made His fame in childish story; But now he wisely plies his trade And never thinks of glory. The Ogre at his modern meal Boasts loud of stocks and margin , Breakfasts on Standard Oil and Steel And keeps right on enlarging The Woodland Babes your childhood met May still enjoy their capers ; But when they're lost they only get A write-up in the papers. Where is the Wizard dark of fate ^ Whose word brought sloth and ruinf Behold the Walking Delegate Who murmurs^ * ^ Nothin ' doin \^ * ' And if the stage attracts our faySy None will forbid, that's certain. But hush! the play is on — so raise The advertising curtain. HE HYPm HER! WHLKING DELEGIITE'S STRHNeE CDNTflOL OVER SLEEP- ING BEAUTY IN A TRANCE FORTY DAYS- MARRIAGE FOLLOWS The lovely Princess Goldy was a very lady- like Little maid who ruled the classic burg of Jay- town-on-the-Pike, And as regent of the country she was known for many a mile, Enthroned within her palace built **in chaste colonial style/* It seems the Princess was betrothed Prince Charming for to wed, The son of Pierpont Charming, Wall Street king and thoroughbred, So she brought down from the city maids and servants thirty-four (Counting the janitor and the boy who showed you to the door). 1 THE SLEEPING BEAUTY. Page 2 The house was renovated, the trousseau was pre- pared, The curtains in the dining-room were taken down and aired, The royal porch was painted white, the steps a neutral grey, And everything was upside down preparing for the day. About this time there came to town a man of wrath and hate, A fell Magician posing as a Walking Dele- gate ; And he spied the gang of workmen and the nuptial preparations, And said, ** These folks look overworked — I'll give 'em all vacations." First he went to Princess Goldy, and he said, **It is my fate To queer the wedding bells, for F m a Walking Delegate. I love, adore you. Princess fair of Jaytown-on- the-Pike, So be my wife, or else Til call a general ser- vants' strike." The Princess arched her noble brow and an- swered him to wit: **Not on your cabinet photo, sir, likewise nay-nay and nit." Then as she left the Delegate he sneered with- out a flinch, * * This palace is non-union. Have I foiled her ? — it's a cinch!" THE SLEEPING BEAUTY. Page 3 So he went to all the servitors and whispered just a word — No more the sound of sweeping brooms or shak- ing rugs was heard, No more the dishes rattled in that palace by the Pike, For joyous Jay town's royal court was tied up in a strike. The Princess rushed as one distraught unto the telephone. Alas! there was a Hneman's strike and answer came there none ; Adown the empty stairs she sprang, a hansom cab to hail. But the cabby just yelled ' ' Boycott ! ' ' and her tears were no avail. Then she saw a little A. D. T. official stroll- ing by, And said, * * Here, Johnnie, take this message to the station — fly!'' But the youngster puffed his cigarette, and bash- fully said he, **Goask de dream book, loidy. You ain't in de Union — see ! ' ' Poor Goldy ! she was up against an unaccus- tomed job. She sat upon the palace steps and sobbed a haughty sob. While unbeknownst the Delegate sneaked up behind, and hissed A word that threw her in a trance — he was a hypnotist. THE SLEEPING BEAUTY. Page 4 For forty days and nights the Princess lan- guished in her trance, The while the Walking Delegate led Jaytown such a dance ! He tied the urban railways up, he tied the gas- works down, He drew his magic ring around the factories in town. When Charming, Jr., heard of this in Gotham far away He packed his trunk with bills and sought the sleeping town of Jay ; No fear had he for magic or the Delegate's foul thrusts, For wasn't Charming' s pa a king who owned a bunch of trusts? He rolled into the spell-bound burg which slept beside the Pike, And called upon the Delegate who'd brought about the strike. And thrusting something long and green into the Wizard's hand, He caused the latter to exclaim, **I think I understand. ' ' Once more the urban street cars rolled, the gas-works' whistle blew, The milk carts rattled on the stones, the shops were opened, too ; The factories along the Pike took on a busy roar, And everybody soon forgot what they'd been striking for. THE SLEEPING BEAUTY. Page 5 The Princess? She was broad awake when Charming struck the town (Her trance was wound for forty days and by itself ran down ) , And the palace court attendants, when the Bishop said the word, Went rigfht on with the marriage as if nothing had occurred. The moral of this truthful myth, regardless of the plot, Is : Love still laughs at Lockouts ; also, Strike while the Iron is hot. ADULKRIIKD FOOD W. CRIIY WOLF DIES UNDER SUSPI- LITTLE RED RIDING THE TWO SEEN TOGETHER SHORTLY BEFORE THE TRAGEDY OCCURRED The parents of Red Riding Hood Were sharks for scientific food, And members of a hygiene club That lived on predigested grub. When Mrs. Hood was touched with grace She thought of heaven, as a place Where all is anticepticized And even the harps are sterilized. It chanced one day that Grandma Hood, Who lived alone within a wood, Of Bunco Biscuits ate her fill And fell quite seriously ill. 6 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. Page 7 Then Mother said to Riding Hood, **Take this assorted breakfast food To Grandma, and the Wolf, beware. For germs are lurking in his hair." So Riding Hood she skipped along And hummed an artless, childish song. Her thoughts reverting as she went On Health and Self- Development. But as she sauntered through the wild The great gray Wolf peered out and smiled. **A health food baby!" chuckled he. ** That's plenty good enough for me." So, murmuring, * ' Today I dine ! ' ' He hastened over twig and vine Unto the leaf-surrounded dell Where Grandma was supposed to dwell. But Grandma's fates were kind that day. It seemed that she had gone away To see a football game, as far As Cambridge, in her auto-car. Now Wolf got into Grandma's bed And cuddled underneath the spread, And soon he dreamed of breakfast food In shape of Little Riding Hood, Till presently the door was ope'd And wee Miss Hood demurely groped Into the darkened room, and saw The wolfish, Foxy Grandmamma. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. Page 8 She said, * * Good morning, Grandma dear ! Tve something extra healthful here.*' The Wolf lay moaning on his side. **What have you brought me, child?'* he cried. **Some Cracky- Jacky Crisps,*' she said, **And Dippy* s Predigested Bread, Some Sawdust Flakes and Shaving Oats, And Johnson's Ready Stick - in - Your- Throats." * * Enough ! * * his Wolfship gave a roar. **You needn*t tell me any more. Come hither, child — gr-r-r-oo ! gr-r-r-r-oo ! Vm going for to swaller YOU!*' Did Ridie quail, did Ridie flinch? Never, sweet child — it was a cinch. She cast a scornful look, and bold, And hissed, ' * Uncultured monster, hold ! **Do you appreciate the break That you are just about to make? Your hopes of health are minimized — Why, I'm not even Pasteurized!*' The Wolfs gray visage paled with fright. **If you would eat," she said, *'you might Try Stick-in-Your-Throats for Brain and Nerve — Just add skimmed buttermilk, then serve. * * The Wolf replied, ''You're very kind; ril try a bite, if you don't mind.*' So Ridie got a dish, and soon She fed him health food with a spoon. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. Page 9 And when the monster had enough To kill a camel of the stuff, His breath grew weak, his eyes grew dim — The breakfast food had done for him. At length she heard his dying groan, And faint and fainter came his moan. Then Ridie chuckled in delight, *a knew Fd fix the Wolf all right.'' Now Riding Hood, immortalized, A health food child is advertised. * * This child, ' ' the street car placard quotes, * * Was saved from death by Stick-in- Your- Throats.'* urn IN THE WOOD, BY OEED OF HEROIC COOLNESS, THWART PUINS OF OESPERUTE MILLIONAIRE JONES, THE FATHER, ALMOST MAKES STATEMENTS WHICH WOULD JAR FASHIONABLE SUBURBS Celestine and Cecil were beautiful twins, The children of Timothy Jones — Who lives on the Square in the manse over there And is mentioned in reverent tones. I've Mrs. Jones' word for their wonderful traits, And their virtues I fain would rehearse ; But whenever they budged they were sadly mis- judged By their sordidly practical nurse. They were surely the life of the household of Jones ( They were almost the death of it, too ), And the servants were vexed with the question : What next Will that Cecil and Celestine do ? 10 BABES IN THE WOOD. Page 11 At the first flush of morning they woke with a wail Which they kept up in relays till night ; They caught the Angora and twisted her tail And tumbled downstairs with delight. If the duo cherubic were silent a while It simply meant future unrest — They were plotting things dire or starting a fire Or robbing the medicine chest. When Cecil hit sister then sister would scream With the voice of a banshee in pain ; Then she'd fall upon Cecil and ragefully wrestle Till infantile Babel would reign. If they went for a ramble with Pansy, the nurse, They shouted for everything near ; They wanted an auto, a push-cart, a hearse, A brewery dray loaded with beer. And should Pansy refuse them the wish of their hearts Their keen disappointment was plain. And again they'd give vent to a tearful lament. Like the voice of a banshee in pain. Their mother would say, ''They have sensitive souls — You're harsh with them. Pansy, indeed." But the nurse, when alone, would remark with a moan, ** It's a good Irish shpankin' they need ! " BABES IN THE WOOD. Page 12 One morning two strangers arrived in the town, Glum Charlie and Snickering Jo. They were filled with the zeal of a business deal For the Amsterdam Kidnapping Co. When they saw the magnificent mansion of Jones, Jo whispered, * ' Hi, matey, here' s luck ! Old Jones has got shiners and duplicate minors — We'll pinch de kids lightly and duck.'' As Pansy, the nurse, and her intimate, Mae, Went forth with the twins down the row, There swung into view two policemen in blue (Of course they were Charlie and Jo). They lauded poor Pansy's complexion and eyes. And the ladylike manner of Mae, Till Mae said, *^Tee-hee!" and Pansy, ^'Law me!" In a very conventional way. Thus, trifling, they came to an isolate wood. Where Jo to his mate whistled thrice. Then with impolite curses they handcuffed the nurses, And seized on the twins in a trice. As the ladies explained, **We was that took aback"— I am sure they'd have screamed if they could — But they saw the thieves slip the dear babes in a grip And strike for the depths of the wood. BABES IN THE WOOD. Page 13 You'd better believe there was trouble in town When the loss of the twins was divined. Mrs. Jones, growing gray, nicely fainted away, With remarkable presence of mind. Imperious Timothy Jones beat his breast And rushed to the phone with a bound ; Called up Major McGeese, the Chief of Police, And ordered that worthy around. The Chief told the Captain, the Captain the Sergeant, The Sergeant he called out the guard. Who seized, on suspicion, a drunken physician — They really worked very hard. For he was a genius, the Chief of Police, An expert on crime's outs and ins ; So he did all the splendid occasion demanded — Except to recover the twins. He made out a schedule, he signed a report, He ordered his janitor, Jim, To sweep out the hall — which was certainly all That could be expected of him. A week thus elapsed, when a marvel occurred Which no one could quite understand — The bandits came back looking sickly and slack. And leading the twins by the hand. They limped to the mansion of Timothy Jones, And met him with tears in their eyes : ** O kind Mister, please, we've brought you back These, Though we know it's a nawful surprise ! BABES IN THE WOOD. Page 14 *'But Charlie/* said Jo, ''isn't strong in his nerves ( I tell you I pities their nuss ). We've handled tough cases in different places, But these was too peevish for us. ' ' They squalled and they bellered, they howled and they yelled, They kicked of our calves and our shins, They bit and they scrapped while a-being kid- napped. And they paid us up good for our sins. ''We had to sing lullabies to 'em by night, We had to amuse 'em by day. When we gits such a deal we imeejutly feel That the kidnapping bizness don't pay. "We don't want no ransom for bringin' 'em back — Don't care if they take us to jail. What we think of as best is a decent night's rest Far away from a howl or a wail. ' ' The father had lived with the twins for so long That he knew the poor kidnappers' woe, So he let 'em go free, giving Charlie a dime And a quarter to Snickering Jo. So Celestine and Cecil, returned to their home, Made the hour of deliverance plain. When the ancestral halls thrilled once more with their bawls. Like the voice of a banshee in pain. WIS IT GLASS? L ELUUSTWRHIIINII lEO BALL GOWN JILTEDBYADUKE, SHE BECOMES AN HEIRESS Have you heard of Cinderella, little grown-up girls and boys, She who stirred up all that scandal and cre- ated such a noise, — She who caused that fuss last summer through the losing of a shoe, Till the Sunday papers wrote her up — and what they told was true? Cinderella's dashing father, when he got his first divorce. Met a very wealthy widow. They were mar- ried in due course; So the maiden took the background while the widow's ugly girls Squandered freely in attempts to catch some bargain Dukes and Earls. 15 CINDERELLA. Page 16 They had their Newport seasons, automobiles, yachts and dances, Their winter trips and diamonds, their con- quests and romances. While patient Cinderella at a hardwood desk must stay A-working as stenographer at fifty cents a day. At last, across the ocean, came the Duke of Fiddlestick (He was eligibly reckless, for he needed money quick). So in order most politely to convene the mil- lions all. He tendered to Society a gorgeous fancy ball. Cinderella's false stepsisters were invited for to go. But when she asked to tag along, the haughty dabs said '^No!'' Then they swept into their carriage, leaving Ella all alone, Till she thought of her good Fairy; so she rang her up by phone. At a masquerade costumer's, in the middle of the town. Did the Fairy hire a brilliant, rather stagey Paris gown. And a pair of diamond slippers, in which bor- rowed elegance Cinderella draped her figure, and was hurried to the dance. CINDERELLA. Page 17 Probably you've not forgotten how she stormed the ball incog, How the eyes were all upon her and the ears were all agog, Till the marriage brokers present, noticing her jeweled shoes. Swore she was a coal king's daughter who had rocks to burn and lose. Then the Duke made haste to know her, and together soon they whirled. Till through half a dozen waltzes they were rapturously twirled ; For the Duke had seen the slippers gleaming with prismatic light. And he sighed, **I need the money'' — it was passion at first sight. Marking not the moments' passing, suddenly they came to rue it When the clock upon the steeple chimed out twelve before they knew it. Then the maiden, faint and flustered, cast her anxious thoughts afar, For she lived in Tuskaroora and she feared to miss her car. Cinderella fled the ballroom, home-bound trol- leys in her mind. But she stumbled as she ran and left a diamond shoe behind. And a janitor who found it bore it to Monsieur le Due, Who lamented, * * Gone forever ! I have lost her — just my luck ! " H; Hi Hi >f: * * CINDERELLA. Page 18 Soon the hopeless weeks were passing, and the duke, in grave distress, Saw himself grow poor and poorer and his credit less and less ; Yet in very frenzy of despair he searched the city through For some fabulously wealthy girl who'd lost a jeweled shoe. Finally fair Cinderella saw this * * Personal ' ' come up In the smaller ''ads" appended to a useful Sunday Supp : ^^ If she who lost the diamond shoe desires her fate to meet^ She'll call for property today at 12 East Bullion Streets Cinderella brushed her walking skirt — the only one she had — Put on her hat and sought the Ducal offices like mad. The Duke, who waited for her, cried, "My darling, is it you? You* re just in time, for I have gone and pawned your diamond shoe. ' ' Now we must haste to yonder kirk and find a holy man, So let your hand and purse be mine and pub- lished be the bann. Fve seen your flashlight footwear, girl, and I can plainly see An heiress wearing shoes like those is good enough for me.'* CINDERELLA. Page 19 **rm fond of you/' Cinderella said, **but prithee, hear me, sir. I am no heiress, but a poor, ill-paid stenog- rapher ; And e*en the slipper that you found upon the floor — alas ! *Tis not composed of diamonds — oh, forgive me ! — it is glass ! ' ' ''False — glass!" he cried. **How dare you mock me, trifle with me so ? My heart is broken — / am broke — the ele- vator — go ! '* And as the damsel took the lift and left His Royal Nobs, The building shook and trembled with the anguish of his sobs. 'Tis well that Love, though sore betrayed, need not for long despair. That bleeding Cupid still may find a balm some- how, somewhere — And e'en the hapless nobleman, when marriage doesn't pay. May take to driving hansom cabs, or work in some caf(^. One week passed by. The Duke forgot and wed 'midst joy and laughter Cinderella's maiden sister and was happy ever after ; But Cinderella's now become a lady millionaire Through selling ** Cinderella Shoes, $3.00 net the pair.** HElREDTHEeiT! WEIRD CASE OF II PENNSYLVIINIII YOUNCSTER WITH STRXiieE L DUE TO PECULIAR OUTCOME JACK THE SLAYER WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED In a Standard Oil village, not many years back, Lived a smart little youngster whose name it was Jack. He was brave and ambitious, alive and alert. And he longed to kill giants so bad that it hurt ; So he dreamed all about ^em by day and by night — But it seemed the closed season, for none were in sight. Now it happened one day that he heard his Pa say That the country was going to tiogs in a way That was shocking, all due to the coin-getting lusts Of those horrible, man-eating giants, the Trusts. 20 JACK THE GIANT-KILLER. Page 21 * * Ha, here is my chance ! * * cried adventurous Jack. **ril slay one and bring home his head in a sack.'' So he packed his valise in the night, for he knew That the city was where all the Trust Giants grew, And he boarded the Gun Shot Express, which could scoot Just as swiftly with Jack as the Seven League Boot ; And the first thing he knew he was harshly let down At the Grand Central sheds of a flourishing town. At his desk Mr. Ogre, the Standard Oil king, Sat all unsuspecting, not doing a thing But cutting off coupons and trimming the ends And baling and sorting the crisp dividends, While close by his side his utility man Stood sprinkling the stock from a watering-can. Mr. Ogre was scarcely unpleasant to see — A rather benevolent monster was he, With sideburns and spectacles ; one who might pass As the millionaire head of a Sunday-school class; And his features Gargantuan beamed as before When there came a loud rat-tat-tat knock at the door. JACK THE GIANT-KILLER. Page 22 Then entered our hero who paled through his tan When the Giant out-thundered, **GOOD MORNING, YOUNG MAN!'* Poor Jack slightly quaked as the moment drew near — From lack of experience rather than fear — And he stuttered, **Kind Sir, I'll confess, if I must — Pve come here to kill you, for you are a Trust/' **It's true that I am,'* said the Trust in alarm, **But lay down your hatchet and do me no harm. I cannot deny what is dreadfully plain, But Fve tried to reform, though my efforts were vain ; For I find, to my sorrow and earnest dismay, That I seem to grow trustier every day. ** Stay with me, my boy, for I'm fond of a bluff, And I'll teach you the trick of acquiring The Stuff; And I think that you'll find, to your honest surprise. That Giants are human in spite of their size. Now go get a job in my freight elevator — And I trust, if you hustle, I'll hear from you later." JACK THE GIANT-KILLER. Page 23 Did Jack kill the Giant? It grieves me to say That his object grew fainter and farther away ; For the freight elevator it raised him so fast That he rose to the treasurer's office at last, Where he cleaned out The Street in a won- derful deal, A soft snap in cotton, a hard cinch in steel. And his harvest of stocks so enormously grew That Jack was a Giant the first thing he knew. So he married Miss Ogre one gentle June day, The daughter of him he had first sworn to slay. Now Jack is a monster so mighty and grim That whole flocks of Giants are working for him. Let me tell you how Jack — ere this narrative closes — One day in his auto, **The Tuberculosis," Went back to the home town he'd left in the lurch, Endowing a library, gas-works and church. And he chose him a site on a mountainside lot For his new improved castle called **Jack-on- the-Spot.'* These poor old chestnuts from tJieir sack \ r ve pulled^ though all unwilling. r ve cracked their husks and put them back With somewhat altered filling. For whaV s the use of Fairy-Tales In this bright age and nation Where no new scandal tips the scales Without investigation f Thus ^ you think my Riding Hood A fabrication hollow, Pve served her as a Breakfast Food — Not quite so hard to swallow. The Fairy folk are with us stilly Ye skeptics of the minute; But they are doing vaudeville^ For there is money in it. In this disguise they^ve com^ to town A stagey lot , for certain. You've caught them in the act — ring down The advertising curtain. FINIS THE CROSS MARKS THE SPOT ■A*4AAAA4**«>^*AAA0i>, CinCDlllTION IFFIDIVIT The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum. Sold to date lo large editions. Demand rapidly increasing. A4AA4A**4AAA4A BlGiNi; NOTES Omar Khayyam, Junior, astrong favor- ite, wins the second heat. -|^...^^A.>^^->^^^^^^AA^A.>A^AAAA^AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA WEITHER FOBECIST High brisk sales and warm reception of Fairy-Tales Up To Now. All signs point to continued steady trade-winds from the West. ....:. l: 11. cc: -cc. y- ^ , LC II- liicC c" ll:c tccr 1 £CGt c . ._ \7£Ltcrc . re c 1 c-^ 1-^^ a.^._.: ; , \.Lc ICC. 11..::^ \. . (_^\.- i: . liicn V7crG cGrlicr ^, at Led rccGntly I /■^a./ TTj q Vrlv