the Indiana Literary Belt And perhaps years after lie is dead, the lofty critics will speak, as they now do of Artenms Ward, of the "Teat and Ameri- can satire of Kin Hnhhard ( Ahe Martin). -Franklin P. Adams ( F. I 1 . A.) in the Xew York \Yorld. Author's Edition ZlfrU^ Berkeley (1) These Days A sort of a paragraphic review of the fads and foibles and waves and trends of the present age By Abe Martin (Kin Hubbard) Pictures by the Author ABB MARTIN PUBLISHING COMPANY INDIANAPOLIS One Dollar and Fifty Cents Net None genuine without this label. All rights protected. WM. MITCHELL PRINTING Co. GREENFIELD. IND. To My Friend Joseph T. Stokes Analytical Chemist and World Traveler The contents of this volume have been compiled from the columns of The Indianapolis News and revised, remounted and arranged by the author. Abe Martin From a sketch made on the day our great annual coal strike was settled until the next time. THESE D AYS A peck o' trouble hain't t' be mentioned in th' same breath with a quart. * Practically all th' fishin's done by folks that don't need 'em. % General Apathy has put more men in office than all th' silver tongued orators put t'gether. ^ Henry Ford hain't only made millions, but think, too, o' th' great fortunes that have been piled up by th' makers o' Ford adjuncts such as shock absorbers, starters an' boudoir caps. ^ "Th' Democrats are so shiftless," com- plained ole Niles Turner t'day. "They didn' even git one good, full campaign out o' th' world war, while th' Republicans have been capitalizin' th' rebellion fer over fifty years. THESE DAYS Ther hain't any more purtier girls t'day than ther ever wuz. Ther skirts are only shorter. It's jest about got so we can't find a place t' park an' see a the-ater show all in one evenm'. When anything does happen t' come out all right it's jest like findin' it fer th' pessimist. "Well, if he had any good qualities we'll prob'ly hear about 'em now," said ole Niles Turner t'day, when he heard Tipton Bud's father wuz dead. is We might as well git ready fer th' long, dull, stringy interval between bobbed hair an' enough t' do up. THESE DAYS If you watch th' face o' th' feller you're talkin' to you kin nearly allus tell when t' quit. ^ Th' feller that marries these days may know what kind o' ankles he's gittin', but he's takin' a long shot on th' face an' dis- position. 16 "We may buy a litle coal t' use in case o' sickness, but th' engine keeps our sedan het up jest fine," says Mrs. Art Beasley. Miss Fawn Lippincut didn' register this fall cause she couldn' remember how ole she wrote she wuz last fall. Eatin downtown is growin' more'n more general as women become more'n more "enlightened." THESE DAYS Th' feller that waits fer th' right girl t' come along these days is goin' t' git con- fused. Pustmaster Art Smiley, who tried t' stir up enough political enthusiasm t' stage a torchlight procession, is still in th' asylum. Where wuz all th' money when we didn' have autos? We don't have t' dress like a corpse t' be good. A woman is th' blamedest thing. She'll kill her husband's vote an' then turn right around an' charge a new hat t' him. JANUARY We kin recall when a mother-in-law wuz a liability, but t'day she's one o' th j modern conveniences. THESE DAYS Th' best of all th' more daylight move- ments is washin' th' windows. Hain't it a grand an' glorious feelin' t' come t' a blocked street that we kin cross with impunity? ^ "It's goin' t' be fierce t' jump out of an auto when long skirts git all th' rage," says Miss Tawney Apple. We counted forty-nine autos, averagin' $1,800 apiece, parked around th' court- house t'day, an' we kin remember when if a feller bought a phaeton he wuz sus- pected o' havin' inherited th' money. So fer th' political cannydate haint thought o' anything t' catch th' woman vote 'cept an occasional shave. THESE DAYS An occasional crisis is a fine thing t' show up th' side steppers. Democrat Alvin Bentley, who's workin' in th' pustoffice under civil service, says he'd git married if he had a steady job. Some folks are so lazy they have a new auto delivered. 15 Th' difference between a good sport an' an easy mark is scarcely discernible. Two homely people allus seem t' be so genuinely glad t' git t'gether. THESE DAYS Nobuddy kin listen in if you say it with flowers. Most folks jest won't say ''nominated" instead of "anominated" even after we tell 'em about it. Th' new janitor o' th' courthouse used t' be an editur till fortune smiled on him. Banty Kite, who's seein' th' world in th' regular army, is still lookin' at Fort Harrison. Ther's no waste t' a dime's worth o liver but th' thumb. THESE DAYS Somehow sickness or a late train never seem t' keep a tiresome speaker from f illin' a date. is Th' feller that's willin' an' pleasant soon builds up an awful business. We've allus noticed that th' fellers with th' most civic pride don't pay any taxes. Th' conversation never gits t' goin' good till th' hostess starts th' Victroly. Fellers that can't speak never let on when they're called on, but go right ahead an' speak. THESE DAYS We don't have t' have a receivin' set t' git in on the crime wave. We don't believe anybuddy wuz ever too good t' be a clerkin', even if lots o' them do act like it. We kin remember when a woman wuz satisfied t' be known as th' wife o' some- buddy. 18 What's become o' th' ole fashioned girl that used t' drop out o' sight when crossed in love? Wouldn't it be fine if we could run out o' debt? THESE DAYS Skirts may git back t' ther ole length, but women '11 allus cross ther legs on th* front porch. ^ Some folks are never as happy an' glowin' as when they're tryin' t' make us sorry that we've missed somethin'. No matter how wretched times git, ther's allus plenty o' want ads fer "'good salesmen." "Anybuddy that's ever had a house painted would never select a complexion from a color card," says Mrs. Em Moon. A lovely party wuz given at th' home o' Mrs. Lafe Bud last evenin' fer Mrs. Al Mopps, who's soon t' institute proceedin's fer divorce. THESE DAYS Thers too blamed many new ways t' spend money an' not 'nough new ways t' git it. Miss Tawney Apple got her ears out t'day an' she didn' look so bad in 'em. Who remembers when evangelists in- stead o' doctors used t' save our drunk- ards ? Next t' a neat an' fatherly lookin' confi- dence man, nothin' operates under as many aliases as a Ben Davis apple. Somebuddy asked Al Mopps why he didn' tackle any kind o' work he could git, an' he said, "I tried that four or five years ago an' somethin' better never did show up." F E B-U-A R Y "A man allus acts like a sheep killin' dog when he asks fer credit, but a woman '11 be wearin' silk stockin's an' smile her purtiest when she charges a sack o ? corn meal," says Elmer Moots, o' th' Cash Grocery. THESE DAYS It seems like th' hardest thing is bein good without paradin' it. Women allus speak o' some young mar- ried couple as "apparently" gittin' along. Gushy people kin be as nice t' talk to as anybuddy when they're tired out. Lots o' things baffle description, but they don't baffle folks that try t' tell about 'em. "I didn' git hardly any sleep at all last night on account o' burglars cursin' o'er a swollen dresser drawer," complained Mrs. Tilford Moots, this mornin'. CRIMINALS AN' HOME TRAININ'. By Constable Plum. I want t' bitterly ridicule th' conclusion recently arrived at by th' International Conference of Police Chiefs that lack o' home trainin' is responsible fer our crim- inals. In so fer as regards that's con- cerned, ther hain't nothin' into it. Lack o' home trainin,' lack o' watchfulness on th' part o' parents, may result in pranks an' little misdemean- ors on th' part o' youngsters, but th' worst defaulters an' sharpers an' sneaks I've ever knowed had good folks. Some o' them wuz educated fer th' ministry, an' all o' them had been home trained right down t' th' minute. Ole Allison Peabody, CONSTABLE PLUM IN ACTION THESE DAYS back in th' seventies, wuz sixty-five years ole an' highly trained before he had an op- portunity t' steal. He had allus been in th' newspaper business before he wuz elected county treasurer. Al Timmons's big auto wuz stolen by his own brother who'd never been away from home but once in his life. Tipton Bud has got a nephew that wuz raised in an apartment an' never had no home life an' he's almost twenty-two years ole an' has never been in trouble. O' course it's fine fer folks t' set a good ex- imple fer ther children an' urge 'em t' be honest so that when they git put in jail they feel like they'd done ther best t' train 'em. Pearl Slocum, that wuz electrocuted in th' east a few days ago fer murderin' an aged couple fer seventy cents, wore spec- tacles when he wuz a little boy an' recited in public. He had a goat an' a velocipede an' wuz a well trained normal boy an' didn' leave home t' go t' work till he wuz thirty-two. It's not generally known, but Jake Bentley has a boy in th' penitentiary. THESE DAYS He's been ther fer years as a confirmed criminal. He wuz well raised, educated an' polished, but he couldn' go near a pen an' ink without forgin'. Fer a long time his folks hid th' ink bottle, but when foun- tain pens become cheap an' plentiful ther wuz no controllin' him, so he had t' be put in th' jug. Fer ever' brutal, clumsy crime committed by some dull ignorant feller of obscure origin, ther's ten well planned atrocious crimes committed by smart, edu- cated an' responsible fiends with Ai early trainin'. Jest recount th' crimes o' th' last few months that wuz committed by well connected, well raised an' even well-t'-do criminals. So well connected an' well-t'- do, in fact, that most of 'em are goin' free as fast as they're tried. Ther's some purty good an' substantial people in this country that didn' even have homes, t' say nothin' o' home trainin'. Also ther's a lot o' well bred crooks that are gittin' by on account o' their splendid early environ- ment. Let our police chiefs give more (2) THESE DAYS time t' roundin' up criminals an' not worry about how they originate. Ther's less waste t' courtesy than any- thing else. * Joe Kite is lettin' his grocery bill grow till Bryan's elected. After a careful observation coverin' a wide period, we've discovered that th j louder a feller laughs at nothin' th' more pop'lar he is. Nothin' keeps a girl at home these days but bein' out o' paint. Ferd Bentley, whose wife has disap- peared, wuz in town, t'day, shakin' hands with himself. THESE DAYS Th' good die young, but reformers often worry along till they're eighty. Marryin' fer money an' marryin' fer love have both more or less failed, but we hain't never had no statistics on marryin' fer a housekeeper. Young authors musn' git stuck up 'cause magazines accept ther stories, fer that's no sign they're good. What's th' use o' havin' any rights if we've got t' keep waivin' 'em all th' time or git killed? We kin remember when th' most pop'lar feller in town didn' even own his dress suit, but borrowin' a car hain't so easy. THESE DAYS Cantaloupes are jest like women we kin thump 'em, an' lift 'em, an' squeeze 'em, but we can't tell a blamed thing about 'em till its too late. ^ We'd no more venture across a down- town street these days than we'd be an outstandin' figure in Ireland. s Speakin' o' hungry Democrats, Tell Binkley has closed his office an'll devote all his time t' succeedin' Pustmaster Ike Lark, whose term expires a year from next Aprile. ^ Jim Beasley shot an' killed a burglar by mistake last night. He thought it wuz his separated wife comin' back fer a few simple belongin's. ^ If it wuzn' fer golf we'll bet business men would be gittin' mighty impatient about th' return o' prosperity. MARCH Lafe Bud talked some o' startin' a new drug store, but he decided ther wuz too many resturints here now. THESE DAYS Th' way most folks would run a news- paper has been tried thousan's o' times. Newspapers so often speak o' some feller "winnin' fair bride" when fair t' middlin' would be nearer th' truth. Nothin' makes us as sore as buyin' a swell weddin' present fer somebuddy, an' then readin' in a week or two that ther split up. "My, how th' months slip away," says Mrs. Lib Pash, who's trying t' keep tab on th' McCormicks. Why call it th' "liberal element" when it kicks on payin' $150 a case. THESE DAYS Wherever prosperity's parked it must be covered with stickers. Ike Lark had a kick comin' yisterday, but it only got as f er as Greencastle. While throwin' up his hands Saturday afternoon Cashier Lester Moon, o' th' Peoples Bank, cut several of his fingers on a chandelier globe. Ther wuz a party at th' Tilford Moots home, last night, an' th' house wuz full from cellar t' garret. We've alms noticed that th' folks that git th' most out of a holiday are also our most prominent non-producers. THESE DAYS Some stranger asked Miss Tawney Apple t' git in his car last evenin', but she felt too tired t' walk. Bill Hays is th' first American t' retire at th' zenith of his fame since Mary An- derson dropped out o' Pygmalion & Gala- tea t' git married. "Won't they ever quit askin' fer money?" said ole Niles Turner, t'day, when he heard ther wuz t' be a fox drive. What's become o' tlr feller that used t' chew th' ends o' his mustache? An incompetent bank robber nearly allus comes t' some bad end. THESE DAYS You can't live off a garden without al- most livin' in it. A reformer must feel like givin' up when he reads, "TV police chief called in all bootleggers an' dope peddlers believin' they might throw some light on th' crime." Next t' th' bill board posters demandin' that we go t' work, th' latest innovation is a law enforcement conference. Our idee o' inexcusable mismanagement is marryin' three times fer money an' then runnin' in debt fer a lawyer. Ever 'buddy said in 1918 that we'd never be able t' repay our soldier boys an' it seems they wuz right. THESE DAYS Th' feller with a wide circle o' friends must be doin' a fine credit business. ^ Bootlegger Ike Lark has t' git shaved standin' up. ^ A tall, dark stranger walked around th' courthouse three times last evenin', but evidently couldn' find a car he could start. ^ "It must be fine t' git pickled an' bois- terous in your own home an' know you won't git put out," said Lafe Bud, this mornin'. ^ Th' tired business man ought t' be purty well rested up by this time, t' say nothin' o' bein' rusty. . % Th' Art Embroidery Club met last night an' discussed skirts at some length. THESE DAYS Nobuddy ever questions our other at tributes if we're known as good pay. Miss Pansy Moots, aged 'leven, is quite an accomplished elocutionist an' recites eagerly. ^ We should think that one o' th' worst things about gittin' in trouble would be havin' an ole discarded wife show up at th' jail. ^ Th' bandit that stole four barrels o' elderberry wine from th' jail, last night, is described by Watchman Joe Mapes as bein' o' medium hight, light gray $2 hat, tiny scar under chin, a gold tooth, hair parted on left side, turquoise cuff buttons, a knot in one shoe lace, five buttons on cuffs o' coat, a tan leather billfold, an' light blue eyes. THESE DAYS Lester Moon, is th' new cashier o' th' Peoples Bank, succeedin' Laurel Spry, five ft., light complexioned, prominent Adams apple. Th' telephone is mighty handy f er folks that color up when they lie. Th' family doctor must have a time locatin' his patients. "Speakin' o' high prices, I don't even feel cheap anymore like I used t' occas- ionally," says Tell Binkley. Mrs. Tipton Bud missed th' first two reels at th' Fairy Grotto last night as she had t' hold a burglar till th' constable come. A P R I L E A cannydate has t' be purty versatile these days t' know how t' address th' women, th' plain people, an' duplex owners. THESE DAYS It's jest about got so it takes more time than money t' look nifty. IB Auto traffic is ,gittin ? so thick that you're nearer t' where you want t' go if you stay at home than you would be if you tried t' drive there. What few folks we've seen that claimed t' be wedded t' ther art looked mighty un- happy. Ther's very little discussion o' th' unem- ployment problem down our way, 'cept by folks that wouldn' work anyhow. Tell Binkley found a clove while rum- agin 5 thro' an ole white vest this mornin'. THESE DAYS Th' commonest error these days is imagin' we know a good thing. When Squire Marsh Swallow heard that Sen. Lodge wuz re-elected, his face darkened up as if he'd lost a good parkin' place. We hardly ever hear of an unhappy home any more now that ever'buddy dolls up an' digs out after breakfast. Ther hain't no doubts in a little town t' git th' benefit of like ther is in a city. "Th' town wuz so crowded Sunday night I had t' park in front of a church," said Jake Bentley, t'day. THESE DAYS What's worse 'n findin' one good glove? Lafe Bud an' his wife had quite an argyment last night. She said it seemed like ages since they wuz married an' he stoutly maintained it wuz longer. Th' mayor o' Youngstown, Ohio, made such a hit by resignin' that they nearly nominated him fer Gov'nor. Ever' girl has an age when she thinks she could live without a sedan with th' man she loves. Mrs. Su Moots has a pearl-handled re- volver, but is still married. TH' PROF. ELMER PEG DESER- TION CASE. By Mrs. Tilford Moots. Ther's a great moral lurkin' in th' Prof. Elmer Peg desertion case, that comes up at th' fall term o' court, a great lesson fer all, male an' female, that contemplate git- tin' married. El- mer Peg made th' -common, age-old mistake o' gittin' married before he found himself, be- fore he knowed what his life work wuz t' be. He wuz workin' in a saw-mill when he married M y r t i e j^a^ttfcrw"- Tate ' a J2:irl ever '~ r j <^R^\ way qualified t' grace a mill hand's ELMER PEG AN' WIFE IN 1,^ M > U^xJ U~ TH' EARLY SAW MILL DAYS home, an ii3,Q. ne continued as a mill hand he wouldn' be where he is t'day which is in th' jug with a THESE DAYS prison term confrontin' him, as he has no money. His wife erred too. She should have cast about till she found a beau less ambitious an' likely t' rise in th' world. Perhaps, like all girls high or low, she did not stop t' think what she wuz doin'. She prob'ly reasoned, "here's a chance t' git married" an' grabbed it. But Elmer Peg an' his wife lived happily enough until in an evil moment he left th' saw mill t' be- come a school teacher. His new callin' cast him 'mongst women folks, an' it wuz only a few days till he developed a likin' fer a willowy organ teacher o' gentle blood. As he learned t' know her better it begun t' dawn on him that he'd married beneath him. He commenced t' regret that he wuz not single agin. Th' tussle with his conscience grew fiercer an' fierc- er day by day. Finally he an' th' organ teacher decided they couldn' live without each other. All th' while th' fat, simple, hard-workin' wife an' mother kept singin' as she picked her way 'mongst her cooin', THESE DAYS sprawling crawlin' children, an' looked after th' routine duties o' th' home. Sev- eral times she thought she detected a growin' coolness in th' attitude of her school teacher husband, but she dismissed th' ugly thought, an' attributed his de- meanor t' th' complex an' arduous duties o' his profession, an' that wuz purty good reasonin' fer an uncultured wild flower utterly unacquainted with th' ways o' th' world. With nine little children she wuz too busy t' watch her husband, an' as is too often th' case, she wuz too dependent on him t' git him mad, much as it would have pleased him, fer then he would have had some sort of an alibi fer his sneakin' con- duct, prob'ly incompatability. Anyhow, Prof. Elmer Peg an' his sweetheart organ teacher run off t'gether. Public sym- pathy rushed out at once t' th' deserted wife an' children, an' an aroused com- munity demanded that no stone be left un- turned t' apprehend th' desertin' fiend. O' course he wuz found in due time, as you THESE DAYS can't escape justice an' carry a woman. In a statement t' Constable Newt Plum, who went t' Hurley, Wisconsin, t' bring him back, th' professor said that he'd long considered makin' a change, that his wife dressed too loose, that she made no effort t' reduce, an' that she wuz no help t' him in his work. But as th' train pulled in an' he seen his wife standin' in th' crowd, he cried : "I never seen Myrtie look as purty. Somebody has dolled her up. Constable, all I ask is another chance !" But he wuz too late, an' soon th' great iron door closed behind him an' he wuz in a felon's cell. 15 Th' best sign o' prosperity is "Men Wanted." Insurance Solicitor Fremont Kite is carryin' a line o' white mule so he kin git in t' talk insurance. JUNE "Well, we know where she is now," said Mrs. Em Moots, t'day, when her daughter wuz buried. THESE DAYS Too many people only pay as they go till they git so fer. $ We don't know who fixes th' price on wheat an' hogs, but we would like t' meet th' feller personally who fixed th' rate th' farmer charges fer pullin' a car out o' a ditch. * Very few men have even noticed that th' girls are bobbin' ther hair. ^ It may be tough sleddin' fer workin' men, but we've never seen workin' girls as prosperous lookin' as they are these days. ^ Th J disappearance o' Miss Mamie Lark is still a deep mystery. She's not been seen since last Thursday evenin' when, after eatin' a hearty meal, she chatted pleasantly with members of her household about wishin' she had a fur coat. THESE DAYS A bad cold, or business reasons, never held anybuddy back that had a pass. Th' lightnin' rod agent must sigh fer th' good ole "jays." Speakin' of optimists, th' feller that jest methodically sets out t' git married hain't so bad. Ther's a front seat hog in ever' family. No matter how young you feel, you're gittin' ole when you tell somebuddy th' same story three times. (3) THESE DAYS A rich gran'mother never gits in th' wa. We kin remember when women got ther hair bobbed on account o' typhoid fever they kept out o' sight like a clipped collie. A flapper fell down stairs comin' out o' th' Beauty Shop t'day, but as good luck would have it she lit sticky side up. Th' stingiest feller we've heard of yit is Lon Moon. He had a toy balloon vul- canized. Ever'thing fer th' home under th' sun is exhibited at th' Home Complete show but Bibles an' marble-top tables. THESE DAYS We're all strangers when it comes t' findin' Easy Street. "Women in politics is th' limit," says 'Squire Marsh Swallow, "Nobuddy knowed Lester Moon wuz a Democrat till he failed t' git a invitation t' th' Bent- ley weddin'." If beauty is skin deep some flappers are poor judges o' thickness. Some folks seem t' take more delight in thinkin' they're indispensible than they could possibly git out of a vacation. What's become o' th' ole time groom who looked ever' inch a provider? THESE DAYS Th' only way t' hold your own is jest t' refuse ever'buddy. Finley Newcomb wuz found dead in his house, t'day, by neighbors who'd become alarmed at not smellin' any mash cookin'. Some o' these young wealthy dudes ought t' drive dog catcher's trucks so ther girls couldn' jump out. Ther's books on th' care o' lawns, hogs, bulbs, Airdales, poultry an' fruit trees, but nobuddy has ever written anything on takin' care o' friends. Mrs. Em Moots' niece is suin' her hus- band fer divorce. They first met about two months ago while servin' on th' same jury. THESE DAYS Bank cashiers seem t' be doin' too much backin' an' not enough side steppin'. We don't have t' stand on th' corner very long t' realize what a hard time th' Follies must have in scarin' up enough shapely girls t' give a show. ^ Hard luck jest seems t' pursue Al Bent- ley. His fifteen-year-old daughter hain't workin', his cow died in January, neuritis developed in his right arm t'day an' he owns his own home. * Our idee o' somethin' t' worry about, next t' th' orign o' man, is who's goin' t' make th' beds in th' Oser livery stable th' day Max lays off t' git married. ;l Mr. Lemmie Peters, who graduated with such signal honors some years ago, has several things in view, but nothin' in sight. THESE DAYS We've allus noticed that a feller that kin turn his hand t' anything is loafin'. "Winkin' at th' law '11 produce crows' feet around th' left eye," writes Miss Fawn Lippincut t' a beauty magazine. 'Squire Marsh Swallow has granted Bootlegger Ike Lark a 3<>day reprieve so he kin fill some banquet orders he's con- tracted fer. Th' best thing about a speech by radio is that we don't have t' be a doctor t' walk out on it. Ther's allus an evil minded person in ever crowd t' put a livery stable construc- tion on nearly ever thing that's said. THESE DAYS Some women are so given t' boastin' that they brag on how much money ther husbands save under prohibition. "Another thing about prohibition/' says Mrs. Em Moon, "I hain't had t' put a paper under my husband's plate since th' saloons went out." Lafe Bud has reserved a table an' a doctor fer New Year's eve at th' Palace hut-tel. S Mrs. Em Pash's brother suicided t'day by drinkin' holiday liquor. We never know any more whether th' feller that walks in our office carryin' a leather case is goin' t' try t' sell us a set of O. Henry or a set of Ole Nelson. THESE DAYS What th' country really needs is com- mon sense an' Christianity, an' neither p'litical party is long on either. 15 Federal prohibition officers swooped down on th' blacksmith shop t'day, but it wuz only a horse gittin' shod. Tell Binkley is passin' a petition around t' git Bootlegger Ike Lark out if he ever gits in jail. Uncle Ez Pash an' wife celebrated ther golden weddin' t' light business Saturday. Distiller Joe Mopps didn' fire up this mornin' as th' wind wuz in th' wrong di rection. JULY We have favorite actors, favorite groc- ers, an' favorite doctors, but we don't be- lieve anybuddy ever had a favorite coal dealer. THESE DAYS People who tell everything- they know wouldn' be so bad if they'd stop there. It's too bad th' feller that drinks var- nish can't see his finish. We allus wonder if a policeman chases a bandit as fast as he kin. Some folks are so mean an' grouchy most o' th' time that when they are a trifle pleasant we almost want t' give 'em a little kiss. "I'd like t' go t' Floridy," said Ike Lark, t'day. "I hain't been out o' town, 'cept when th' grand jury meets, fer years." THESE DAYS Th' reason th' way o' th' transgressor is hard is 'cause it's so crowded. Lots o' times parents are praised fer raisin' such a fine son when th' credit really belongs t' some Scout master. It used t' be "that man Wilson," but nowadays it's "th' Washin'ton crowd/' Bootlegger Ike Lark announces that he'll not be available durin' th' hour of his mother's funeral. Ther's so many wonderful opportunities t' become a reformer these days that we kin hardly resist th' temptation t' make a stab at it. THESE DAYS Ther's too many folks talkin' that ought t' be listenin'. "I thought I passed your feet t'day," said Lafe Bud, when he went home an' found his sister-in-law had come fer a visit. Ther's too much bein' said about th' inalienable right t' work where we please fer what we please by those who hain't tried it. When it comes t' enforcin' th' Volstead law prohibition agents seem t' be about as effective as th' average chaperone. It's been many a moon since anybuddy's had nerve enough t' name a daughter Prudence. TH' GUITAR. By 'Squire Marsh Swallow. Th' passin' away of Selam Lindsey, at th' poor farm last week, brings t' mind th' ole happy, care-free guitar days. Th' gui- AL BEASLEY IN TH' PRIME O' YOUNG MANHOOD tar is or wuz a stringed instrument with a body somewhat shaped like a insole. It's neck is like a violin neck only different. Th' Spanish guitar Niles Turner brought home from th' Mexican war fer his THESE DAYS daughter had six strings three o' gut an' three o' some other sort wire, we believe. They wuz tuned t' E in th' second space o' th' bass staff, A in its fourth an' th' treble D, G, B an' E I think, although I'm not positive. The intermediate intervals wuz produced by th' pressure o' th' fingers o' th' left hand in contact with frets fixed crosswise on th' keyboard runnin' up an' down th' neck. Th' fingers o' th' right hand did th' pluckin', or twitchin'. Th' Spaniards are supposed t' have discovered th' guitar, although it thrived in Thibet at a very early date, an one wuz unearthed in fair condition on Easter Island. Salem Lindsey wuz a prolific guitar player. His father had left him a fine estate, but he soon neglected th' farm an' took up with th' guitar. Acre after acre o' valuable land went t' pay his G string bills. After sellin' his stock an' farmin' implements he opened a guitar school over th' saddlery shop that used t' be located where th' town pump now stands. He taught many maid- THESE DAYS ens t' play th' guitar, as it wuz considered as one o' th' desirable accomplishments o' that early period. Th' music o' th' guitar wuz peculiarly sweet an' plaintive. It had no bad after effects like th' music o' t'day. Ther wuz not a pang o' regret in a whole even' of it. True, it wuz soft an' allurin' an' sweetly romantic, an' had caused some mismatin', but it has a greater number o' endurin' marriages t' its credit than most any instrument that we kin now recall. But th' guitar has had its day like various danderines. It's use dwindled till only a few firemen an' barbers cared t' bother with it. Occasionally it wuz found still in use in some livery stables as late as 1890. Fireman Al Beasley used t' be a pop'lar guitar player. He had a mouth organ, or French harp, attached t' his guitar in such a way that he could conquer both instru- ments at once. Th' effect wuz very beau- tiful, an' it looked fer awhile like th' gui- tar still had many years o' usefulness ahead on account o' this new contrivance. THESE DAYS But instead it failed rapidly from then on like lots o' people that take on new ideas. Th' busy era o' money makin' an' industry wuz too much fer th' ole languid guitar an' one is rarely seen or heard any more unless it is with some travelin' band o' imitation Hawaiians. Bootleggers walk in where book agents fear t' tread. Next t' handshaking nothin' has been as overworked an' successful as promisin' t' reduce taxes. Hain't it wonderful how th' average family all gits t'gether agin before break- fast or nearly allus? O R G U S T Wouldn' it be great if ever'buddy wuz as polite an' affable as th' feller that says, "I don't want t' take up any o' your time?" THESE DAYS Th J real judge o' whisky wouldn' think o' drinkin' it. Plates wuz laid fer forty at th' 5Oth weddin' anniversary o' Mr. an' Mrs. Til- ford Moots, yisterday, th' dry officers eatin' in th' kitchen. Miss Tawney Apple is able t' be at her post o' duty agin after jumpin' from an auto Saturday night. Circuses are jest beginnin' t' do th' things they had pictures of on ther show bills over fifty years ago. Who remembers when nobuddy but an Osage Indian would drink anything? THESE DAYS Never take a cough t' a $3 show. Lafe Bud has got so he kin drink or keep his $14. Who recalls when little girls used t' put on long skirts an' play women? Wesley Peters, who shot his hired hand, '11 be given a second trial as he had two farms. Mrs. Jake Bentley's brother died this mornin', death resultin' naturally. THESE DAYS Th' average girl would have t' go some t' be as bad as she's painted. Art Smiley, aged fifty-five, has disap- peared an' grave fears are entertained that he wuz led astray while passin' th' high school. A radio receivin' set is a dandy thing t' keep folks at home who don't drink. Miss Irma Moots got almost halfway home last night before she wuz knocked down an' robbed. Tipton Bud will be seventy-two years ole next coal strike. THESE DAYS It must make a fool feel like thirty cents when he sees where a 17-year-ole girl dares t' tread. i "You never kin tell what might hap- pen" says Joe Kite, who's buildin' his gar- age first. ^ Th' feller that's given t' worryin' is t' be congratulated on th' present unusually fine selection o' things t' worry about. Th' hardest thing, next t' bein' a Chris- tian in Armenia, is scrapin' up a little sym- pathy fer th' feller whose car's been stolen fer th' third time. ^ Miss Princess Bud has got a good joke on her dad. He didn' recognize her yis- terday until after he'd paid her way t' a movie. THESE DAYS Ther are people dyin' t'day who were never drunk before. While out shoppin' don't cuss th' poor wrappin' girl fer bein' slow. She's waitin' f er a go ahead signal from th' bookkeeper. You couldn' hire some fellers t' carry a watermelon, but they jest love t' lug a bowlin' ball thro' town. Mrs. Em Moots' brother wuz so used t' seein' fast trains in th' movies that he held his ground yisterday an' wuz knocked t' smithereens. ^ Lafe Bud's cousin wuz poisoned by a bell boy at Dayton yisterday. THESE DAYS It takes an exceptional child t' pass th' bill boards these days without becomin' a cigarette smoker. Lafe Bud found a quarter this mornin' jest as some young lady wuz goin' t' step on it. We kin recollect when a color-blind cashier or a feller that fooled a girl wuz lost t' society f erever. Elmer Moots says ther's lots o' things in the stores he'd like t' have if they'd be willin' t do housework. Th' trouble with killin' somebuddy or stealin' somethin' is that we've got t' worry thro' a long, tiresome trial before we fi- nally reach th' pardon board. THESE DAYS If some folks would put down th' top they wouldn' have a roof o'er ther heads. Ther's a shade o' stockin's being worn these days, a sort of a tone between a girl's neck an' a carriage painter's arm, that hain't helpin' our return t' normalcy. It's some country where you kin sleep in a box car t'night, write a southern jazz song t'morrow, an' own a luxurious auto th' day follerin'. Mrs. Em Moots has a cousin that's lived in Muncie almost a year an' has never seen th' inside of a courtroom. Clocked socks an' watched stockin's are unusually plentiful. THESE DAYS Mebbe th' reason we don't see more good lookin' women is because women are jest wakin' up. Mrs. Joe Kite is nursin' in th' home o' Mrs. Tilford Moots, whose husband is legitimately paralyzed. What gits us is how so many folks that pass in th' day's news manage t' pass. Ther'll be a benefit fer th' "Prosperity Club" at Melodeon Hall, t'night. Th' tie that blinds th' Christmas tie. (4) THESE DAYS "Bootleggers on th' run," says a news- paper, but that's cause they're back on ther orders. An elephant act caved in on th' barber shop under Melodeon Hall last night. Cheer up ! ! ! What if ever'thing cost as much as a lamp shade ? Speakin' o' business, th' manager o' th' Monarch 5 & 10 says they've sold more checker boards durin' th' past year than in th' whole precedin' eight. One good thing about bein' a Hunyak is if we're caught distillin' its fergotten in a day. CHILDREN By Dr. Mopps. Children are great institutions. They don't only half way hold a home together fer a few years, but they give parents somethin' t' think about besides cards. Babies bring es- tranged relatives t'- gether, they thaw out rich grandpar- ents, an' reconcile mismated couples. Children give th' neglected wife some- thin' t' live fer, an' often bring th' errin' husband t' his senses. Th' advent o' th' first baby revolutionizes a home, 'specially a cramped apartment, young husband then realizes fer th' first time that he's really handcuffed that he's th' respon- sible head o' a real establishment, instead SOPTENIN' AN OBDURATE _. , HUSBAND | h THESE DAYS o' a dollin' up station, an' th' girl wife be- gins t' think of all th' things they'll do after th' little darlin' gits big enough t' leave alone. Th' first baby makes a real- fer-sure partnership o' marriage. Th' low, overhangin' dread of a splitup disap- pears, th' mere, loose bow knot o' matri- mony becomes a link o' steel, while th' four dollar plated weddin' ring is rein- forced by a mutual interest that's stronger than all th' vows an' jewelry in Christen- dom. Th' real business o' marriage has begun when th' first baby comes. Th' long years o' feedin', an' trainin', an' washin', an' dressin,' an' educatin' th' child, have started. Maybe th' home'll be blessed by other children as time goes on. In that event th' work o' raisin' 'em an' puttin' 'em on a payin' basis may cover many years. But th' time finally comes when th' children are all scattered an' gone, an' then th' parents, if they're still livin' t'gether, are free t' see th' Grand Canyon, or buy a roadster, or visit th' THESE DAYS children, or do any ole thing that strikes ther fancy. Maybe they kin split up if things are too prosy. Ther's allus th' pos- sibility of a married daughter comin' home t' roost, but she kin hunt up an aunt if her parents happen t' be estranged, or off on a little trip. Married sons are not allus doin' as well as ther mothers say they are, but they usually keep away pretty well. But parents have very generally done ther part an' are entitled t' a vacation by th' time th' last child tears out. Noth- in' gladdens th' hearts o' parents like good well-t'-do sons, an' happily married daughters. Ther's a feelin' o' pride, if not security, that comes over th' parents of a kind, rich son, that can't be exaggerated, an' a feelin' o' relief in knowin' a daugh- ter is married an' out o' harm's way that baffles adequate description. What could be finer than a big, noble well-t'-do son fer a father t' lean on? Or what is sweet- er than a smilin', respectful daughter t' lighten a mother's load, an' help her pick THESE DAYS out a pair o' pumps ? How a father likes t' say, "Henry talks some o' visitin' us this year if his firm kin spare him," an' how a mother likes t' say, "Ellie's doin' jest th' best kind." We suppose th' ole time hon- ored custom o' raisin' families'll go on f er- ever with th' same varyin' success that has allus attended th' industry. Finley New- comb an' wife celebrated ther sixtieth weddin' anniversary at th' county poor farm, last Tuesday, an' received a stout varnished cane an' a fancy wooden fan from ther son at Leavenworth prison. Another menace t' life an' limb is th' feller that tries t' drive an' flirt. A son kin never repay his mother, but ;he never seems t' hold it against him. SEPTEMBER If ther's anything worse'n a ready talk- er it's a prolific letter writer. THESE DAYS Nobuddy ever bought a friend that didn' git stung. ^ Next t' wearin' suspenders with a belt, th' worst thing is wearin' spats without carryin' a cane. * Constable Newt Plum wuz held up last night, but th' bandits didn' git nothin'. "Somethin' told me I'd git robbed," says Newt, "so I jest left my spectacles an' revolver at home." ^ After plasterin' th' town with pros- perity posters yisterday, Billposter Fin- ley Meadows grew despondent over th' business outlook an' hanged himself in th' O. K. livery barn. ^ Pony Mopps started t' git pickled Sat- urday, but he wuz too stingy t' go thro' with it. THESE DAYS Next t' drinkin' t' be affable, th' worst thing is paintin' your face so you kin wear gray. $ It's mighty fine t' be educated an' in- formed if you kin hide it successfully enough not t' make ever'buddy around you uncomfortable. We've allus wondered if Henry Ford, with all his wealth an' genius, could put a run-down hotel back on a payin' basis? People are all alike, we're all human an' have our honest convictions an' be- liefs, 'cept a few Republicans that used t' be Democrats. * We didn't know Jake Bentley's brother wuz rich till \ve read that his trial wouldn' come up till next July. THESE DAYS Some folks git married before they go t' Niagary Falls an' others suicide after they git there. We kin tell purty much by a feller's fenders how he'd eat a roastin' ear. Th' workmen at th' saw mill threaten t' walk out an' git in ther cars if th' boss don't quit tryin' t' run things. Next t' a Ford we don't know o' nothin' that makes as much noise fer its size as a katydid. Ther's few things as painful as kickin' a burglar with your bare foot. THESE DAYS One good turn deserves another, but one good story ought t' stand. What gits us is why th' movie industry wants t' hire anybuddy by th' year that kin clean up anything as big an' compli- cated as th' pustoffice department in a couple o' months. A few satisfied customers kin do more'n a full page ad, but a lot o' store keepers don't seem t' know it. Folks that can't stand prosperity are still comparatively safe. Thanks t' th' radio, th' home is begin- in' t' show some signs o' life. THESE DAYS Remember how we used t' dread t' go t' a party before they made it at home. ? Th' burlesque show at Melodeon Hall, last night, seemed t' be on its last legs. Mrs. Tilford Moots has received a pus- tal card from her niece, who's visitin' in Californy, sayin' she's decided t' stay un- til murder after next. i Speakin' o' big crowds, we recall when Bryan spoke here, jest before his last de-- feat, a woman passed her baby o'er th' heads o' th' crowd fer th' Commoner t' kiss, an' when she got her kid back he wuz married an' settled in Kokomo. "If I can't git in th' movies I kin git on a jury," says Lon Moon, who's goin' t' Californy. THESE DAYS A cigar is like some people, jest as soon as it gits pop'lar it begins t' deterioate. If th' camera would only lie it could pick up a lot o' money. Among th' rare curios in Tell Binkley's collection is a photergraph o' Pauline Batchelor with a dress on. Gran-maw Pash went t' town t'day t' git th' knocks taken out of her false teeth. Ole Niles Turner is a candidate fer th' school board an' he's wetter'n Detroit. THESE DAYS You won't skid if you stay in a rut. If anything th' movie kiss is longer an' soggier under Bill Hays than it wuz in th' ole days. ^ Th' boarders at th' Elite Drug store have presented Pharmacist Artie Small with a handsome carvin' set. 13 Lafe Bud's uncle, who has been dabblin' around with first one thing then another fer years, will address our business men on "Application, th' Steppin' Stone t' Success." S "Well, I'm glad Bill has finally got with a goin' concern," said Uncle Niles Turner, when Bill Hays resigned from th' Hardin' administration an' signed up with th' screeners. THESE DAYS You can't stop a thing by makin' a crime of it. No matter what business we're in, we all have times when we'd love t' be a po- liceman. Married men live jest as long as single men if they're slick. How are we goin' t' tell when a flapper becomes a woman? Mrs. Tipton Bud missed "Th' Four Horsemen" at th' Fairy Grotto, last night, as she had t' hold a burglar till th' con- stable come. THESE DAYS It's cheaper t' pay rent than marry a home. Even if labor an' capital do git together, we're confronted with a fer worse com- bination long skirts an' bobbed hair. v Another drawback t' a wife in th' back seat is that she can't see from where she sets that we didn' come within a mile o' hittin' somethin'. Who remembers when gasoline didn't have a first name? We hain't got prohibition. It only costs more. WHAT TH' PEOPLE WANT. By th' Proprietor o' th' Little Gem Resturint We're allus hearin' references t' "th' people," what they're demandin' an' what they'll stand fer. Th' feller that talks about what "th' people" want may think he knows what his own neighbors, or com- munity, or state wants, but we don't be- lieve anybuddy knows what th' country, or th' people as a whole, wants, an' what's worse, we don't believe "th' people" know 'emselves. Th' other day we heard a fell- er remark, "How long- will th' people stand it?" We don't know whether he wuz talk- in' about th' 8-cent cigar or bobbed hair, but whatever it wuz '11 prob'ly run its course like "After th' Ball," our aroused patriotism, an' plucked eyebrows, an' then be cast aside fer somethin' more excitin'. Sometimes a considerable number o' peo- ple git impatient an' club t'gether an ? THESE DAYS lynch somebuddy, an* occasionally they all git ther heads t'gether an' elect a reform- er, but it hain't long till they're all split up agin. A feller '11 declare, "th' people" de- mand light beer an' wine, an' th' next day eight or nine hundred dry candidates '11 be elected all over th' country, from sena- tors up t' coroners. Sometimes a formid- able bulk o' th' voters '11 become aroused an' demand a change, but it hain't no time till they're tired of it, an' demandin' an- other one. It's got so a statesman never knows where he stands idolized t'day an' hissed on th' screen t'morrow afternoon. Roosevelt wuz idolized, kicked out, an re- idolized. "People are funny things," re- marked Manager Gabe Craw, o' Melodeon Hall t'day. /They'll clamor fer musical shows fer a while, an' then kick up an' de- mand a mellerdrama, an' then ther'll be a long lull when they don't seem t' want nothin', an' then I'll give 'em a burlesque THESE DAYS A CANDIDATE GUESSIN' IT TH' FIRST TIME THESE DAYS show, an' they'll do purty well fer a spell, an' then ask fer 'East Lynne.' They jest don't seem t' know what they want." Peo- ple '11 rush t' a new restaurant fer awhile, an' jest as soon as th' proprietor thinks he's all set, an' starts t' buy an automobile, they desert him. Ever'thing, restaurants, statesmen, songs, derby hats, bobbed hair, an' all kinds o' styles an' fads, seem t' have jest so long t' live, an' then "th' people" drop 'em fer somethin' different. We're amazed that "th' people" have stood th' saxophone so long. But we'll say this fer "th' people," they're allus willin' t' give most anything a trial, an' some things a second trial, an' that's what keeps th' country balled up an' unsettled most o' th' time. Of course we believe th' styles ought t' change occasionally, an' a new song helps out once in awhile, an' it's a healthy sign when some fellers gfit kicked out o' office, but ther's a whole lot o' fun- damentals in this life that "th' people" THESE DAYS ought t' quit monkeyin' with, things they ought t' accept an' git reconciled to. We hain't got much but a cow, but we'll stake her that death, taxes, an' th' shirt waist are here t' stay. THESE DAYS Th' success o' Master Jackie Coogan is proof that a clean life won't hold you back if you've got th' goods. Th' feller that marries a girl that rolls her own is purty sure t' darn his own. Mrs. Lafe Bud's maid skipped out last night takin' a pair o' black embroidered silk stockin's an' a recipe fer beer. Jake Bentley's daughter, who wuz mar- ried yisterday, is th' first stubby stout t' pick up a husband here in three of four years. ^ Lafe Bud had a chance t' buy a case o' Scotch whisky an' some Holland gin this mornin', so th' world hain't so big after all. OCTOBER Next t' waitin' fer a laundry t' adjust a claim, th' worst thing is standin' around while a clerk hunts somethin' you saw in th' show window. THESE DAYS Be sure you know what it's goin' t' cost, then go ahead, is th' wise course these days. * Of all th' good ole sayin's, th' one that's gone ahead an' kept up with th' times is, "Ther's no fool like an' ole fool." ? We don't believe it gits a congressman anything t' send a package o' watermelon seeds t' a feller that lives in apartments. ^ It's easy t' tell whether a son looks like his father or mother, but th' modern daughter don't look like anybuddy we ever saw unless it's Pauline Hall or Delia Fox. $ We've never wanted t' hold but one office, one givin' us th' authority t' make public utilities that tear up th' streets, put 'em back immediately jest exactly like they wuz. THESE DAYS Few things look as shiftless as a big, strong, full grown man sellin' pop. In India th' girls marry at th' age o' ten, but in this country they don't begin t' paint up an' scout around till they're thir- teen. Mrs. Tilford Moots has quit votin' an' gone back t' housekeepin'. Fiends in human form stole a cook stove from th' Lafe Bud home last eve- nin' while Mrs. Bud wuz tunin' in on Bal- boa, C. G. "Jest foller th' broken jugs," said Con- stable Plum, t'day, when a stranger asked th' way t' Louisville. (6) THESE DAYS Some folks are so anxious t' git ther money's worth that they'll buy a ticket t* a home talent performance an' then go. ^ Tell Binkley overslep this mornin' as no burglars showed up. % Oscar Sapp, who wuz buried under his car, t'day, died from th' loss o' blood while th' officers searched fer liquor. i Th' hardest thing is t' keep behind a good lookin' girl without seemin' t' be tryin'. ^ Jake Bentley an' family are goin' t' make an extensive tour o' th' world when th' tariff does all th' things fer th' farmer it's supposed t' do. 15 Thanks t' th' radio, a feller no longer has t' own a tuxedo t' hear good singin'.. THESE DAYS Women are purty keen about ever'thing but pickin' out a provider an' fixin' an allowance fer a son. "I'm jest like a pair o' white stockin's," complained Tell Binkley, t'day, "I start out fine, but I soon wilt an' look frazzled." If th' girls '11 jest display ther real dis- positions while they're at it, all will be fergiven. We hardly ever encounter th' once pop'lar jett black raven mustache any- more unless we meet a veteran policeman. We hope suspenders do come back, fer if ther's anything worse'n a woman pow- derin' her nose at ever show window she comes to, it's a feller yankin' his trousers up ever half block. 15 There's such a thing as bein' so home lovin' that you don't amount t' any. THESE DAYS "I'll be glad when th' crime wave's over. If I set in th' front room th' burglars go in the back way, an' if I set in a back room they go in th' front way," says Mrs. Tilford Moots. 1E Who remembers th' ole, dusty, open bin grocery where we used t' eat 15 cents W 7 orth o' dried peaches while we wuz buy- in' a lo-cent can o' sardines. 13 Manager Gabe Craw, o' Melodeon Hall, had decided t' take out weather insurance if coal don't come down. ^ Maybe we're too observin', but have you ever noticed what disreputable lookin' shoes shoe clerks wear? * Ever' time we read about tumultous ap- plause an' vest throngs we're reminded of all th' hats we lost on ex-Senitur Bever- idge. THESE DAYS If our army in France had been com- posed o' congressmen it would be runnin' yit ' . Th' nickel cigar has come sneakin' back, but we wouldn' want it named after us. * Th' show at Melodeon Hall, last night, didn' let out till after midnight as th' magician had t' borrow a plug hat.