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'' BEECHER'S
(J?
RECITATIONS AND READINGS.
HUMOROUS, SERIOUS, DRAMATIC,
INCLUDING
EBOSE AND EOETICAL SELECTIONS EN DUTCH, FRENCH,
YANKEE, IRISH, BACKWOODS, NEGRO,
AND OTHER DEFLECTS.
EDITED BY
ALVAH C. BEECIIER,
NEW TOR* •
DICK & FITZCKUALI), I'UBLISIIERS.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1874, by
DICK & FITZGERALD,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at "Washington.
« • • -•
■
► t- t, t o
• • «
« ■
:
CONTENTS.
CO
>-
Paqb.
Miss Maloxey goes to the Dentist 5
Lost and Found 7
Mygel Sn ydek's Barty 10
Magdalen A; oh, The Spanish Duel 12
Jim Wolfe and the Cats 20
The Woolen Doll 22
The Charity Dinner 26
go-morrow; or, lots wife 33
The Wind and the Moon 35
Dvin' Words of Isaac 37
co Maud Mcller in Dutch 38
— i Moses the Sassy; or, The Disguised Duke 40
The Tarn of the "Nancy Bell." 43
ittUDDY the Piper 46
*? •vchnetdbb Sees "Leah" 51
^ Caldwell of Springfield 55
CM Artemis Ward's Panorama 56
g SORROWFCL TALE OF A SERVANT GlRL , r >8
How a Frenchman Entertained John Bull 61
TlAMONDTS ON DEIC PltAIN 63
King BOBBBT OF Sicily 64
^ 0LOVXB8OK, THE Mormon 69
O- I)e Tint wid Olf. Pete 74
- ]'\i AND mi. I'l'. 75
The Widow Bedott'b Lettbb to Elder Sniffles 76
I'iie CHI 01 iin. Children 79
,*sTlli; DUTCHMAH AM> THE Sm all -Pox . : 83
1 1
S< i lpin 85
Bats 86
A'. [] rBODUCTION 90
A In rCHKAK'8 Dolly Vardln 91
BOCK "I All.- 93
BIMQ THE BLACK Fillies 94
The Hornet 98
The Clove and THE Lions LOO
^ 1 Van r to Fly 101
4560.
4 CONTENTS.
PAGE.
That Dog of Jim Smiley's 104
The Story of the Faithful Soul 105
" My New Pittayatees" 108
Maby Ann's Wedding ill
An Ixqciiung Yankee 114
The Three Bells 116
Love in a Balloon in
Mrs. Brown on the State of the Streets 123
Shoo Flies 125
Discourse by the Key. Mr. Bosan 126
Without the Children 127
SlGNOR BlLLSMETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY 128
Der Goot Lookin Shnow 135
The Celebrated Jumping Frog 137
The "Lost Chord" 140
The Tale of a leg 141
That "West-Side Dog 147
now Dennis took the Pledge .' 14'J
The Fisherman's Summons 150
Badger's Debut as Hamlet 152
Dow Hezekiah Stole the Spoons 158
Paddy's Dream 160
Victuals and Drink 162
Dow Jake Schneider went Bund 1C3
Aurelias' Unfortunate Young Man 165
Mrs. Brown on Modern Houses '. 168
Farm Yard Song 170
Murphy's Mystery of the Pork-Barrel 171
The Prayer-Seeker •. 172
An Extraordinary Phenomenon 174
The Case of Young Bangs 175
A Mule Elde in Florida 178
Dhree Shkaders 180
BEECHEE'S RECITATIONS.
MISS MALONEY GOES TO THE DENTIST.
ANONYMOUS.
Sure, and did I tell yez bow I wint to the dintist yister-
day ? Be aisy now, will yez, and wait a bit, and I'll tell
yez all about it. Says I, " Ocb, docthur, docthur clear, it's
me tooth that aches intirely, sure it is, an' I've a mind to
have it drawn out, av ye plaze, sur." " Does it hurt ye?"
says he till me. "Ocb, murtber, can ye ax me that, now,
an' me all the way down here to see yez about it?" says I.
11 Sure I haveu't slept day or night these three days. Bo-
dad, haven't I tried all manes to quiet the juinpiu' divil ?
Sure didn't they tell me to put raw whiskey intil nie mouth,
but would it stay there, jist tell me now? No, the divil a
bit could I tape it up in my mouth, though it's far from
tbo likes <>' mo to be dhrinkin' the whiskey widout extramo
provocation, or by accidint." So thin the docthur took
his iron instrumints in a hurry, wid as little consarnment
of mind as Barney would swape the knives an' forks from
the table.
"Be aisy, docthur," says I, " tbere'0 time enough j sure
you'll not be in such a hurry," says I, "whin your timo
somes', I'm thinkinV' "t)ch, well," says the docthur, "an'
av yez not ready now, Mi.-s Maloney, ye may come on tbo
6 MISS MALONEY GOES TO THE DENTIST.
morrow." "Indade, doctbur, I'll not stbir from tbis sato
widtbis ould dead tootb alive in me jaw," says I, "so ye
may jist prepare ; but ye nade not come slasbin' at a poor
Christian body as av ye would wring ber neck off first,
an' dbraw ber tootb at yez convaynience mebbe a quarther
of an bour or so aftberward.
Now clap on yer pinchers, bad luck to tbim, but mind yo
git bould av the rigbt one— sure, ye may aisily see it by
tbe acbin' an' jurnpin'," says I. " Ocb," says he, " I'll git
bould av the rigbt one," an' wid tbat be jabs a small
razor-lookin' weapon intil me mouth an' cuts up me
gooms as av it was notbin' but cowld mate for bash for
breakfast. Says I, " Doctbur, thunder an' turf!" for me
mouth was full of blood r " fwbat in tbe divil are ye aftber ?
D'ye want to make an anatomy av a livin' craythur, ye
grave-robber, ye f" says I. " Sit stbill," says he, jamming
something like a corkscrew intil me jowl, an' twisting tbe
very sowl out av me. Sure I sat still, bekase tbe murther-
in' thafe held me down wid bis knee and tbe gripe av bis
iron in me lug. If you'll belave me, the worrest of all was
whin he gave an awful wring, hard enough to wring a wet
blankit as dhry as gunpowdher. Arrah ! didn't I think
thejudgmint day had come till me ? Holy fathers ! may
I niver brathe another breath if I didn't see the red fire
in the pit ! Sure I felt me head fly off me shoulders, an'
lookin' up, saw somethin' monsthrous bloody in tbe docthur's
wrencbin' iron. "Is that me bead ye have got thare?"
says I. " No, it's only your tooth," says he. "You lie,"
says I. "God bliss you," says he. "Maybe it is me
tooth," says I, as me eyes began to open, an' by puttin' me
hand up, troth I found the outside av me face on, tho' I
felt as if all the inside had been hauled out, barrin' the
jurnpin' pain in the tooth, which had grown to fill the gap.
Och ! may tbe divil take the tooth, an' the bad luck too,
if I iver think av it any more. Sure I've had enough of its
company, bad cess to the little divil !
LOST AND FOUND. '
LOST AND FOUND.
READ BY J. SI. BELLEW. Hamilton aide
Soine miners were sinking a -shaft in "Wales —
(I know not where, — but the facts have fill'd
A chink in my brain, while other tales
Have been swept away, as when pearls are spill'd,
One pearl rolls into a chink in the floor ;)
— Somewhere, then, where God's light is kill'd,
And men tear in the dark, at the earth's heart-core,
These men were at work, when their axes knock'd
A hole in a passage closed years before.
A slip in the earth, I suppose, had block'd
This gallery suddenly up, with a heap
Of rubble, as safe as a chest is lock'd,
Till these men pick'd it ; and 'gan to creep
In, on all-fours. Then a loud shout ran
Round the black roof—" Here's a man asleep !"
They all push'd forward, and scarce a span
From the mouth of the passage, in sooth, the lamp
Fell on the upturn'd face of a man.
No taint of death, no decaying damp
Had touch'd that fair young brow, whereon
Courage had set its glorious stamp.
Calm as a monarch upon his throne,
Lips hard clench'd, no shadow of fear
He sat there taking his rest, alone.
Ho must have been there for many a year.
The spirit had fled ; but there wa> its shrine,
In clothes of a century old or near !
The dry and embalm in g air of the mine
Had arrested the natural hand of decay,
Nor faded the flesh, nor dimm'd a line.
8 LOST ANTD FOUND.
"Who was he, then ? ISTo man could say
"When the passage had suddenly fallen in —
Its memory, even, was past away !
In their great rough arms, begrimed with coal,
They took him up, as a tender lass
"Will carry a babe, from that darksome hole,
To the outer world of the short warm grass.
Then up spoke one, " Let us send for Bess,
She is seventy-nine, come Martinmass ;
Older than any one here, I guess !
Belike, she may mind when the wall fell there.
And remember the chap by his comeliness."
So they brought old Bess with her silver hair,
To the side of the hill, where the dead man lay,
Ere the flesh had crumbled in outer air.
And the crowd around him all gave way,
As with tottering steps old Bess drew nigh,
And bent o'er the face of the unchanged clay.
Then suddenly rang a sharp low cry ! . . . .
Bess sank on her knees, and wildly toss'd
Her wither'd arms in the summer sky ....
" "Willie ! "Willie ! my lad ! my lost !
The Lord be praised ! after sixty years
I see you again ! . . . . The tears you cost,
"Willie darlin', were bitter tears ! . . . .
They never looked for ye underground,
They told mo a tale to mock my fears !
They said ye were auver the sea— ye'd found
A lass ye loved better nor me, to explain
How ye'd a-vanish'd fra sight and sound !
Darlin', a long, long life o' paiu
1 ha' lived since then ! . . . . And now I'm old,
'Seems a'most as if youth were come back again,
LOST AMD FOUXD.
Seeing ye there wi' your locks o' gold,
And limbs as straight as ashen beams, ....
I a'most forget how the years ha' rolled
Between us ! .... TTillie ! how strange it seems
To see ye here as I've seen ye oft, ....
Auver and auver again in dreams !"
In broken words like these, with soft
Low wails she rock'd iierself. And none
Of the rough men around her scofFd.
For surely a sight like this, the sun
Had rarely looked upon. Face to face,
The old dead love, and the living one !
The dead, with its undimm'd fleshly grace,
At the end of threescore years ; the quick,
Pucker'd, and wither'd, without a traco
Of its warm girl-beauty ! A wizard's trick
Bringing the youth and the love that were,
Back to the eyes of the old and sick !
Those bodies were just of one age ; yet thero
Death, clad in youth, had been standing still,
While Life had been fretting itself threadbare !
But the moment was come ; — (as a moment will
To all who have loved, and have parted here,
And have toil'd alone up the thorny hill;
"WTien, at the top, as their eyes see clear,
Over tin- mists in the vale below,
Mere -pecks their trials and toils appear,
Beside the eternal rest they know !)
!i came to old Hess that night, and gave
The welcome amnions that she should go.
And now, though the, rains and winds may ravo
Nothing can pari them. Deep and wide,
The miners thai evening dug one grave.
And there, while the rammers and winters glide
Old lie. and young Willie leep side by side I
to MYGEL SNYDER'S BARTY.
MYGEL SNYDER'S BARTY.*
OUR WILLIAMS.
fell, of you'll only lisden, I vill told you aboud dot bar-
ty vot Mygel Snyder gife last week at bis bouse. Yah,
mine freunds, dot vas a higb-doned barty und all de fust-
glass beoples vas dere. Dere vas Miss Krouse, Misder
Bumblestein, Mrs. Dinglebeuder of Baxter street, Mr.
Kansmeyer, Mr. Gimp, Misder und Mrs. • Lautenslauger
of Soudtb Fidtb Afenue, und a goot many oders wbose
names I dond forgot. Miss Krouse bad ber bair done up
in scrambled eggs, und den she vore a dress ofblain cord-
ed bed-dick. Mr. Bumblestein bad on a new segond
band swallow-bead coat, und den be vore a vatcb-cbain
made oud of de dail of de cow vot kicged de lamp over in
Shicago. Den dere vas nice dances doo ; dere vas Polkers,
Valtzes, Les Lunches, Squadrilles, und Succatosbes. Und
den afder de dancing ve blayed some games; ve blayed
Buss in Shoes, Bost Office, und Grokenhagens, und Pliud
Man's Snuff. Und den afder dot a young man got ub to
make a sbeecb, und he gommenced py saying, — "I am
here." In aboud dree minudes be vasn't dere ; he vas
drank, und de gommiddee shucked him oud of de segond
sdory vindow, und he valked right off on his ear.
Veil, Mrs. Dinglebeuder broughd her baby, de sweedest
liddle baby vot you efer seen, mit a nose like a cbesdnud,
(veil, de baby can't helb dot,) und id's head vas as large
as a foot-ball, (veil de baby can't helb dot,) und de baby
vas yust old enough to grawl around on de garpet, und
feed on dacks und hair-bins. Veil, putty guick righd
avay oud, dot baby fell in de slob-bail und got cboging
mit a bod-a-do-sgin.
Id's a nice ding, dough, being a farder, und exbecially
gedding ub of a cold vinter's nide, mit your feet on de oil-
cloth, bouring oud baregoric in a dea-sboon mit der ther-
*By kind permission of the author.
MTGEL SNYDER'S BARTY. 11
momeder ninedy-niue degrees pelow de cidy-hall py moon-
lide; (veil, de baby can't kelbdot;) id's a nice ding to
dink dot a baby vas going to grow ub uud have " inuinbs,"
"measles," " golera infanduin," "jim-jams" und dings
like dot to dake avay a man's money vot he bas laid avay
for a new suit of glothes. Bud I subboses dot's all righd,
dond it?
Yen subber vas putty gnick ready, I sot mineself down
to ead dribe, und cakes, und onions, und bodadoes, und
pigs feed, und Miss Krouse she ead so hardy dot she got
fery sick, und der doctor sait she had der coleric. Yes,
Miss Krouse got de coleric. She vas drying to ead a
mince-pie mit a doot-prush in id, und id didn't agree vit
her.
Bud den dot subber dable vas loaded ub mit all de in-
delicacies of de season. Dere vas beanuts und red herrings
und boddles of green-zeal soda-vater; und deu Oofty
Gooft broughd a boddle of Yooster-sdreet sauce, und den
dero vas a Christmas dree aboud dwo inches high sed in a
spiddoon in de middle of de dable yust for noding put
ornaniendations.
Afder subber dero vas such nice singing. Yone young
man got ub und singed a song vot vent like dis : — " He flies
drough de air mit his mout full of cheese, he vas a young
man vot chewed ub a drapeze," — or someding like dot
anyhow; den vc all joined in de ghorus. Den dey asged
me to sing, und ven I got ub to sin-- de beoble kepd so
sdill you could hear a house fall down. I sung dot song
abend Mary had a leetle lamp, ids vool all over vite —
mid veil I had snug vone verse, sonic fellar hollero loud —
••oh: give ua a read." [dold him dot I didntknowde
I of ill ; of] did I vonld give id to him, und den lie dold
uieto"drobof mineself;" but I dond understood Ladin,
ildn't make oud vot he vas dalking aboud, bud 1
intisi have sung nice, lor vile I vas singing every vono venl
oud ofde room. Boon afder dot I vent 1,01110, budvenever
12 MAGDALENA, OE THE SPANISH DUEL.
I regomeruber dot vestif night I alvays say to mine-
self:
Oh ! vot lods of fun,
Oh ! vot lods of fun,
Dancing, singing, all de dime,
Drinking lager-bier und vein ;
At dot barty down at Mygel Snyder's.
MAGDALENA, OR THE SPANISH DUEL.
BEAD BY J. M. BELLEW.
Near the city of Sevilla,
Years and years ago —
Dwelt a lady in a viUa
Years and years ago ; — '
And her hair was black as night,
And her eyes were starry bright ;
Olives on her brow were blooming,
Eoses red her lips perfuming,
And her step was light and airy
As the tripping of a fairy;
"When she spoke, you thought, each minute,
'Twas the thrilling of a linnet ;
"When she sang, yon heard a gush
Of full- voiced sweetness like a thrush ;
And she struck from the guitar
Kinging music, sweeter far
Thau tho morning breezes make
Through .the lime trees wheu they shake —
Than tho ocean murmuring o'er
Pebbles on the foamy shore.
Orphaned both of sire and mother
Dwelt she in that lonely villa,
Absent now her guardian brother
On a mission from Sevilla.
Skills it little now the telling
How I wooed that maiden fair,
MAGDALEXA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. 13
Tracked her to her lonely dwelling
And obtained an entrance there.
Ah ! that lady of the villa ! •
And I loved her so,
Near the city of Sevilla,
Tears and years ago.
Ay de mi ! — Like echoes falling
Sweet and sad and low,
Voices come at night, recalling
Years and years ago.
Once again I'm sitting near thee,
Beautiful and bright ;
Once again I see and hear thee
In the autumn night ;
Once again I'm whispering to thee
Faltering words of love;
Once again with song I woo thee
In the orange grove
Growing near that lonely villa
Where the waters flow
Down to the city of Sevilla—
Years and years ago.
, 'Twas an autumn eve ; the splendor
Of the day was gone,
And the twilight, soft aud tender,
Stole so gently on
That the eye could scarce discover
How the shadows, spreading over,
Like a veil of silver gray,
Tuned the golden clouds, sun-painted,
Till they paled, and paled, and fainted
Prom tlic face of heaven away.
And a dim light rising slowly
< »'i'i- the welkin spread,
Till the blue sky, calm and holy,
Cle; id above our bead ;
And tin' thin moon, newly nascent,
Shone in glory meek and sweet,
As Murillo paints her crescent
14 MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL.
Underneath Madonna's feet.
And we sat outside the villa
• "Where the waters flow
Down to the city of Sevilla —
Years and years ago.
There we sate— the mighty river
Wound its serpent course along-
Silent, dreamy Guadalquiver,
Famed in mauy a song.
Silver gleaming 'mid the plain
Yellow with the golden grain,
Gliding down through deep, rich meadows,
Where the sated cattle rove,
Stealing underneath the shadows
Of the verdant olive grove ;
With its plenitude of waters,
Ever flowing calm and slow,
Loved by Andalusia's daughters,
Sung by poets long ago.
Seated half within a bower
Where the languid evening breeze
Shook out odors in a shower
From oranges and citron trees,
Sang she from a romancero,
How a Moorish chieftain bold
Fought a Spanish caballero
By Sevilla's walls of old.
How they battled for a lady,
Fairest of the maids of Spain —
How the Christian's lance, so steady,
Pierced the Moslem through the brain.
Then she ceased — her black eyes moving,
Flashed, as asked she with a smile, —
" Say, are maids as fair and loving —
Men as faithful, in your isle V '
" British maids," I said, " are ever
Counted fairest of the fair ;
MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. 15
Like the swans on yonder river
Moving with a stately air.
'•' Wooed not quickly, won not lightly-
But, when won, forever true ;
Trial draws the bond more tightly,
Time can ne'er the knot undo.
" And the men ?"— " Ah ! dearest lady,
Are — quien sabe ? who can say I
To make love they're ever ready,
When they can and where they may ;
" Fixed as waves, as breezes steady
In a changeful April day —
Como brisas, como rios,
No se sabe, sabe Dios."
" Are they faithful ?"— " Ah ! quien sabe ?
"Who can answer that they are 1
While we may we should be happy." —
Then I took up her guitar,
And I sang in sportive strain,
This song to an old air of Spain.
"Quien Sabe."
"The breeze of the evening that cools the hot air,
That kisses the orange and shakes out thy hair,
Is its freshii' welcome, less sweet its perfume,
That you know not the region from which it is come?
Whence the wind blows, where the wind goes,
Hither and thither and whither- who knows?
Who knows?
Hither and thither— but whither— who knows?
II.
" The river forever glides singing along,
The ro e on the bank bends a'down to Its song ;
And the (lower, U it listens, unconsciously dips,
Till the rising wave glistens and kisses its lips.
10
MAGDALEXA, OR THE SPANISH DUEL.
But why the wave rises and kisses the rose,
And why the rose stoops for those kisses— who knows ?
Who knows ?
And away flows the river— but whither— who knows ?
ni.
" Let me be the breeze, love, that wanders along
The river that ever rejoices in song ;
Be thou to my fancy the orange in bloom,
The rose by the river that gives its perfume.
Would the fruit be so golden, so fragrant the rose,
If no breeze and no wave were to lass them ?
"Who knows ?
Who knows ?
If no breeze and no wave were to kiss them ?
"Who knows f"
As I sang, the lady listened,
Silent save one gentle sigh :
When I ceased, a tear-drop glistened
On the dark fringe of her eye.
Then my heart reproved the feeling
Of that false and heartless strain
Which I sang in words concealing
What my heart would hide in vain.
Up I sprang. What words were uttered
Bootless now to think or tell —
Tongues speak wild when hearts are fluttered
By the mighty master spell.
Love, avowed with sudden boldness,
Heard with flushings that reveal,
Spite of woman's studied coldness,
Thoughts the heart cannot conceal.
Words half-vague and passion-broken,
Meaningless, yet meaning all
That the lips have left unspoken,
That we never may recall.
MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. 17
" Magdalena, dearest, hear me,"
Sighed I, as I seized her hand —
"Hola! Senor," very near me,
Cries a voice of stern command.
And a stalwart caballero
Comes upon mo with a stride,
On his head a slouched sombrero,
A toledo by his side.
From his breast he flung his capa
With a stately Spanish air—
[On the whole, he looked the chap a
Man to slight would scarcely dare.]
" Will your worship have the goodness
To release that lady's hand V—
"Senor," I replied, "this rudeness
I am not prepared to stand.
"Magdalena, say"— the maiden,
With a cry of wild surprise,
As with secret sorrow laden,
Fainting sank before my eyes.
Then the Spanish caballero
Bowed with haughty courtesy,
Solemn as a tragic hero,
And announced himself to me.
"Senor, I am Don Camillo
Guzman Miguel Pedrillo
I)e Xymenes y Ribcra
Y Bantalloa y Ilerrera
Y do Rivas y Ifendoza
Y Quintana y de Rosa
Y Xorillay'— " No more, sir,
"Tig as good us twenty score, sir,"
Said F to him, with a frown ;
•■ m [{ | i bnlla para nada,
No palabras, draw yonr 'spada ;
[f j ou're u]i [or a daolo
18 MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL.
Ton will find I'm just jour fellow —
Senor, I am Peter Brown !"
By the river's bank that night,
Foot to foot in strife,
Fought we in the dubious light
A fight of death or fife.
Don Camillo slashed my shoulder,
With the pain I grew the bolder,
Close, and closer still I pressed ;
Fortune favored me at last,
I broke his guard, my weapon passed
Through the caballero's breast —
Down to the earth went Don Camillo
Guzman Miguel Pedrillo
De Ximenes y Ribera
Y Santallos y Herrera
T de Rivas y Mendoza
Y Quintana y de Rosa
T Zorilla y — One groan,
And he lay motionless as stone.
The man of many names went down,
Pierced by the sword of Peter Brown !
Kneeling down, I raised his head ;
The caballero faintly said,
" Signor Ingles, fly from Spain
With all speed, for you have slain
A Spanish noble, Don Camillo
Guzman Miguel Pedrillo
De Ximenes y Ribera
Y Santallos y Herrera
Y de Rivas y Mendoza
Y Quintana y de Rosa
Y Zorilla y" — He swooned
"With the bleeding from his wound.
If he be living still, or dead,
I never knew, I ne'er shall know.
That night from Spain in haste I fled,
Years and years ago.
ilAGDALENA, OR THE SPANISH DUEL. 19
Oft when autumn eve is closing,
Pensive, puffing a cigar,
In ray chamber lone reposing,
Musing half, and half a-dozing,
Comes a vision from afar
Of that lady of the villa
In her satin, fringed mantilla,
And that haughty caballero
"With his capa and sombrero,
Yainly in my mind revolving
That long, jointed, endless name; —
" Tis a riddle past my solving,
"vTho he was, or whence he came.
Was he that brother home returned '.
TTas be some former lover spumed ?
Or some family fiance
That tbe lady did not fancy ?
Was he any one of those?
Sabe Dios. Ah ! God knows.
Sadly smoking my manilla,
Much I long to know
How fares the ladv of the villa
That once charmed me so,
When I visited Sevilla
Years and years ago.
Has Bhe married a Hidalgo?
Gone tbe way that ladies all go
In those drowsy Spanish cities.
Wasting life — a thousand pities —
Waking up for a fiesta
From an afternoon siesta,
To " Giralda " now repairing,
Or the Plaza for an airing;
At the .-haded r/jd flirting,
At a bull-fight now disporting;
Due; she walk at evenings ever
Throngb tbe gardens by the river?
Guarded by an old duenna
Pierce and sharp a i a bj
20 JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS.
"With her goggles and her fan
"Warning off each rakish man ?
Is she dead, or is she living?
Is she for my ahsence grieving ?
Is she wretched, is she happy ?
Widow, wife, or maid ? Quien sabc !
JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS.
We was all boys, then, an' didn't care for nothin' only
heow to shirk school, an' keep up a revivin' state o' devil-
ment all the time. This yah Jim Wolfe I was*talkin' about,
was the prentice, an' he was the best hearted feller, he was,
an' the most forgivin' and onselfish, I ever see — well, there
couldn't bo a more bullier boy than what Jim was, take
him heow you would ; and sorry enough I was when I see
him for the last time.
Me an' Henry was allers pesterin' him, an' plasterin boss
bills ou his back an' puttin' bumble-bees in his bed, and
so on, an' sometimes we'd jistcreowd in an' bunk with him,
not'standin' his growlin,' and then we'd let on to git mad
an' fight acrost him, so as to keep him stirred up like. Ho
was nineteen, he was, an' long, an' lank, an' bashful, an'
we was fifteen an' sixteen, an' pretty tolerabul lazy an'
wuthless.
So, that night, you know, that my sister Mary gin tho
candy pulliu', they started us off to bed airly, so as the
comp'ny could have full swing, and we rung in ou Jim tew
have some fun.
Wall, our winder looked out onter the ruff of the ell, an'
about ten o'clock a couple of old torn cats got to rairiu' an'
chargin' reound on it, an' carryin' on jist like sin.
There was four inches o' snow on the ruff, and it froze so
that there was a right smart crust of ice on it, an' the moon
Jlil WOLFE A3TD THE CATS. 21
was shinin' bright, an' vre could sec them cats jist like day-
light.
Fust they'd stand off, o-yow-yow-yow, jist the same as
if they was a cussin' one another, you know, an' bow up
their backs, an' bush up their tails, an' swell around, an'
spit, an' then all of a suddin the gray cat he'd snatch a
handful of fur off the yaller cat's back, an' spin him around
jist like a button on a barn door. But the yaller cat was
game, and he'd come an' clinch, an' the way they'd gouge,
an' bite, an' howl, and the way they'd make the fur fly,
was peowerful.
Wall, Jim he jist got disgusted with the row, and 'lowed
he'd climb out there, an' shake 'in off'n that ruff. He
hadn't reely no notion o' doin' it, likely, but we everlast-
ingly dogged him, an' bullyragged him, an' lowed he'd
allers bragged heow he wouldn't take a dare, an! so on, till
bimeby he jist histed the winder, an' lo and behold you !
be went — went exactly as ho was — nothin' on but his shirt.
You ought to a seen him ! You ought to seen him creepin'
over that ice, an' diggin' his toe nails an' finger nails in,
fur tew keep him from slippiu' ; and, 'bove all, you ought to
seen that shirt a flappin' in the wind, and them long ridick-
lous shanks of his'n a glistenin' in tho moonlight.
Them comp'ny folks was down there under the eaves,
an' the whole squad of 'em under that ornery shed o' dead
Wash'ton Rower vines — all sett'n reound two dozzen sas-
serso' bilin hot candy, which they'd sot in the snow to cool.
And they was laughin' an' tallcin' lively; but, bless you,
they didn't know nothin' 'bout tho panorammy that was
goin' on over their heads.
Wall, Jim, he jist went a sneakin' an' a sneakin' up un-
beknowna to them tom-cats— they was aswishin' their
tails, and yow-ynwin' an' tlireatnin' to clinch, you know,
an' not payin' any attention he went a sneakin' an' a sneak-
in' right up to tli<' comb of the ruff, till he got in a foot an'
a half of 'em, an' then all of a suddin hu made a grab fur tho
22 THE WOOLEN DOLL.
yaller cat ! But, by gosh, be missed flue, an' slipped bis
bolt, an' bis beels flew up, an' be flopped on bis back, and
sbot ofl'n tbat ruff jist like a dart ! — went a smasbin' and a
crasbin deown thro' tbeni old rusty vines, an' landid rigbt
in tbe dead centre of all tbein cornp'ny people ! — sot deown
jist like a yeartbquake in tbem two dozzen sassers of red-
bot candy, and let off a bowl tbat was bark from tbe tomb !
Tbem gals— wall, tbey left, you know. Tbey see he warn't
dressed for cornp'ny, an' so they left — vamoosed. All done
in a second; it was jist one little war-whoop and a whish
of their dresses, and blame the one of 'em was in sight
anywhere !
Jim, he war in sight. He war gormed with the bilin'
hot molasses candy clean deown to his beels, an' more
busted-sassers hangin' to him than if he was a Injun prin-
cess — an'«he came a prancin' up stairs jist a whoopin' an' a
cussiu', an' every jump he gin he shed some sassers, an'
every squirm he fetched he dripped some candy ! an' blis-
tered ! why, bless your soul, that pore creetur couldn't reely
set deown comfortable fur as much as four weeks.
THE WOOLEN DOLL.
A MANIAC'S STORY. qeobge w. bows.
A weary, cowering figure,
Huddling to the wall,
A mass of golden hair, a sallow face,
And that is all !
A wretched, blank, lost mind,—
"Whose only thought
Rests in the foolish toy
The poor, thin hands have wrought.
A simple woolen doll.
Clasped to her lonely breast,
Gazed wildly on at times,
Then closer pressed.
THE WOOLEN DOLL. 23
The others sneeringly pass by
"While here and there
Stops one more curious,
To banter or to stare.
" Father is coming, darling, —
There, — don't cry ;
He won't be gone for long,
He'll come by and by.
Tou know he's gone away, my sweet,
To be a sailor on the sea ;
Gone far away, my pet, with words
Of love for you and me.
They tell me he is dead, my dear ;
But never mind,
He wouldn't go up there and leave
Us here behind.
He told us, darling, when he went,
Ho would come back again ;
And he would never break his word,
The truest, best of men.
Ah, sir ! I see you're smiling,
And, with alarm,
Draws back the sweet lady
Hanging on your arm —
Miss. I was handsome once,
But all this woe,
This misery, and grief, and shame,
Have brought me low.
Look at me with those large blue eyes,
Thai, tell Of love,—
Such <•;.<* - as sometimes beam on mo
From heaven above,
I know your heart is good as is your face,
Ami I will toll
To you I be "1 story,
They all know so well.
24 THE WOOLEN" DOLL.
Father was stem, and cold, and proud,
And when James said —
' Let Eose, sir, be my wife,
I love the maid,' —
He laughed at him, and, with a sneer,
Sent him away —
God grant, ma'am, you may never know
The sorrows of that day.
I loved him with a girl's first love, ■
And, when he came
"With father's surly message,
Full of shame,
I cheered him as I best knew how,
Gave him my hand,
Promised, through life, with him
Alone I'd stand.
It was in the winter, sir,
"When all was dead,
And snow was on the ground,
That we two fled.
A good, kind parson married us,
Dear soul !
I often, often think of him
In this dark hole.
Then came trouble — no work, no bread ;
And one October morn,
When all was dark and drear,
The child was born.
See, he's a pretty boy, sweet pet,
With just his father's face;
But, oh ! the good God grant,
"Without poor James' disgrace.
Things went from bad to worse —
He took to drink,
To gambling, robbery, and shame —
I cannot think —
Oh, no — he was mad then, I feel
His was too good a heart
THE WOOLEN DOLL. 25
To do aught ever that would
Make mine smart.
It came at last — the bitter hour —
Hot words, a blow —
He beat me cruelly —
So, darling, so —
And then we parted, and he went
Off on the sea,
Leaving the dark, blank world
To baby here, and me.
' Heard from him since V you ask,
No, ma'am, never,
Yet baby here and I
"Were waiting ever —
"Waiting to hear his voice once more.
To see his face,
To welcome him home again
"With a long, last embrace.
Oh, ma'am, 'tis sad to sit here,
Far awaj- from homo,
"Waiting for one perhaps
Will never come.
They tell me he is dead, these people,
Then they smile ;
"While I can only hope, and clasp
My child the while.
Father is dead, long since, they say,
Diiid of a broken heart ;
Cut from the wretched tragedy
In which he played a part.
Look, look ! see how the baby smiles !
dive him a pennj . do ;
God grant, ma'am, all Buob misery
May never come to you."
Out in the Bparkling sunshine,
Iu the merry autumn air,
Where the breeze, in gaily pa ing,
l.i.aes a cheek most fair —
26 THE CHARITY DINGER.
"Within, four dark and dingy walls,
That sigh with every breath
Of the mother, with her woolen doll,
Dying a living death.
THE CHAEITY DINNER.
EEAD I5Y J. M. BELJLEW. Litchfield mosely.
Time : half-past six o'clock. Place : The London Tav-
ern. Occasion : Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society
for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-Boots among the
Natives of the Cannibal Islands.
On entering the room, we find more than two hundred
noblemen and gentlemen already assembled ; and the num-
ber is increasing every minute. The preparations are now
complete, and we are in readiness to receive the chairman.
After a short pause, a little door at the end of the room
opens, and the great man appears, attended by an admir-
ing circle of stewards and toadies, carrying white wands
like a parcel of charity-scbool boys bent on beating the
bounds. He advances smilingly to his post at the prin-
cipal table, amid deafening and long-continued cheers.
The dinner now makes its appearance, and we yield up
ourselves to the enjoyments of eating and drinking. These
important duties finished, and grace having been beau-
tifully sung by the vocalists, the real business of the eve-
ning commences. The usual loyal toasts having been
given, the noble chairman rises, and, after passing his fin-
gers through his hair, he places his thumbs in the arm-
holes of his waistcoat, gives a short preparatory cough,
accompanied by a vacant stare round the room, and com-
mences as follows :—
"My Lords axd Gentlemen:— It is with feelings of
mingled pleasure and regret that I appear before you this
evening : of pleasure, to find that this excellent and world-
THE CHARITY DIXXER. 27
wide-known society is in so promising a condition ; and of
regret, that you have not chosen a worthier chairman ; in
fact, one who is more capable than myself of dealiug with
a subject of such vital importance as this. (Loud cheers.)
But, although I may be unworthy of the honor, I am
proud to state that I have been a subscriber to this society
from its commencement; feeling sure that nothing can
tend more to the advancement of civilization, social re-
form, fireside comfort, and domestic economy among the
Cannibals, than the diffusion of blankets and top-boots.
(Tremendous cheering, which lasts for several minutes.)
Here, in this England of ours, which is an island sur-
rounded by water, as I suppose you all know — or, as our
great poet so truthfully and beautifully expresses the same
fact, ' England bound in by the triumphant sea ' — what,
down the long vista of years, have conduced more to our
successes in arms, and arts, and song, than blankets?
Indeed, I never gaze upon a blanket without my thoughts
reverting fondly to the days of my early childhood.
Where should we all have been now but for those warm
and fleecy coverings ? My Lords and Gentlemen ! Our
first and tender memories arc all associated with blankets :
blankets when in our nurses' arms, blankets in our cradles,
blankets in our cribs, blankets to our French bedsteads in
our school-days, and blankets to our marital four-posters
now. Therefore, I say, it becomes our boundcn duty as
men— and, with feelings of pride, I add, as Englishmen—
to initiate the untutored savage, the wild and somewhat
uncultivated denizen of the prairie, Into the comfort and
Warmth of blankets; and to supply htm, as far as practi-
cable, with those reasonable, seasonable, luxurious, and
ful appendages. At such a moment as this, the lines of
another poet strike familiarly upon the car. Let mo sec,
they are something like this — ah — ah —
" Blanket* have charms to soothe the savage hrcast,
28 THE CHAKITY DINNER.
I forget the rest. (Loud cheers.) Do we grudge our
money for such a purpose ? I answer, fearlessly, No '
Could we spend it better at home ? I reply, most emphat-
ically, No ! True, it may be said that there are thousands
of our own people who at this moment are wandering
about the streets of this great metropolis without food to
eat or rags to cover them. But what have we to do with
them ? Our thoughts, our feelings, and our sympathies
are all wafted on the wings of charity to the dear and in-
teresting Cannibals in the far-off islands of the great Pa-
cific Ocean. (Hear, hear.) Besides, have not our own
poor the workhouses to go to ; the luxurious straw of the
casual wards to repose upon, if they please ; the mutton
broth to bathe in; and the ever toothsome, although
somewhat scanty allowance of " toke " provided for them !
If people choose to be poor, is it our business? And let it
ever be remembered that our own people are not savages
and man-eaters; and, therefore, our philanthropy would
be wasted upon them. (Overwhelming applause.) To
return to our subject. Perhaps some person or persons
here may wonder why we should not send out side-springs
and bluchers, as well as top-boots. To those I will say,
that top-boots alone answer the object desired — namely,
not only to keep the feet dry, but the legs warm, and
thus to combine the double uses of shoes and stockings.
Is it not an instance of the remarkable foresight of this
society, that it purposely abstains from sending out auy
other than top-boots ? To show the gratitude of the Can-
nibals, for the benefits conferred upon them, I will just
mention that, within the last few weeks, his illustrious
Majesty, Hokee Pokey Wankey Fum the First — surnamed
by his loving subjects ' The Magnificent/ from the fact of
his wearing, on Sundays, a shirt-collar and an eye-glass
as full court costume — has forwarded the president of the
society a very handsome present, consisting of two live
alligators, a boa constrictor, and three pots of preserved
THE CHAEITY DIXXEE 2!)
Indian, to be eaten with toast ; and I am told, by com-
petent judges, that it is quite equal to Russian caviare.
" My Lords and Gentlemen — I will not trespass on your
patience by making any further remarks ; knowing how
incompetent I am — no, no ! I don't mean that — knowing
how incompetent you all are — no! I don't mean that
either — but you all know what I mean. Like the ancient,
Roman lawgiver, I am in a peculiar position ; for the fact
is, I cannot sit down — I mean to say, that I cannot sit
down without saying that, if there ever tvas an institution,
it is this institution; and, therefore, I beg to propose,
' Prosperity to the Society for the Distribution of Blankets
and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands."
The toast having been cordially responded to, his lord-
ship calls upon Mr. Duffer, the secretary, to read the re-
port. Whereupon that gentleman, who is of a bland and
oily temperament, and whose eyes are concealed by a
pair of green spectacles, produces the necessary document,
and reads in the orthodox manner —
" Thirtieth Half-yearly Report of the Society for the Dis-
tribution of Blankets and Top-Boots to the Natives of tho
Cannibal Islands.
"The society having now reached its fifteenth anni-
versary, tbe committee of management beg to congratulate
their friends and subscribers on the success that has been
attained.
" When the Society first commenced its labors, the gen-
erous and noble-minded natives of the islands, together
with their King— a chief whose name is well known in con-
nection with one of tho most sterling and heroic ballads of
this country — attired themselves in the light bat somewhat
Insufficient costume of their tribe — viz., littlo before,
nothing behind, and no sleoves, with the occasional addi-
tion of a pair of spec; ■ ■ • but now, thanks to this use-
ful association, the upper Classes of the Cannibals seldom
appear in public without their bodies bgtng enveloped in
blankets, and their feel ed in top-boi
30 THE CHAEITY BETOBR.
" When the latter useful articles were first introduced
into the islands, the society's agents had a vast amount of
trouble to prevail upon the natives to apply them to their
proper purpose; and, in their work of civilization, no less
than twenty of its representatives were massacred, roasted,
and eaten. But we persevered ; we overcame the natural
antipathy of the Cannibals to wear any covering to their
feet ; until, after a time, the natives discovered the warmth
and utility of boots ; and now they can scarcely be in-
duced to remove them until they fall off through old age.
" During the past half-year, the society has distributed
no less than 71 blankets and 128 pairs of top-boots; and
your committee, therefore, feel convinced that they will
not be accused of inaction. But a great work is still be-
fore them ; and they earnestly invite co-operation, in order
that they may be enabled to supply the whole of the Can-
nibals with these comfortable, nutritious and savory ar-
ticles.
"As the balance sheet is rather a lengthy document, I
will merely quote a few of the figures for your satisfaction.
"We have received, during the last half-year, in subscrip-
tions, donations, and legacies, the sum of 5,4032. 6s. 8fcZ.
TVe have disbursed for advertising, &c, 2222. 6s. 2d.
Rent, rates, and taxes, 305/. 10s. Old. Seventy-one pairs
of blankets, at 20s. per pair, have taken 712. exactly; and
128 pairs of top-boots, at 21s. per pair, cost us 1342. some
odd shillings. The salaries and expenses of management
amount to 1,3072. 4s. 2\&. ; and sundries, which include
committee meetings and traveling expenses, have absorbed
the remainder of the sum, and amount to 32682. 9s. Iff?.
So that we have expended on the dear and interesting
Cannibals the sum of 2052. and the remainder of the sum —
amounting to 5^1982.— has been devoted to the working ex-
penses of the society."
The reading concluded, the secretary resumes his seat,
amid hearty applause, which continues until Mr. Alderman
THE CHAJRITY DETKEK. 31
Gobbleton rises, and, in a somewhat lengthy and discur-
sive speech — in which the phrases," the Corporation of the
City of London," "suit and service," "ancient guild,"
"liberties and privileges," and " Court of Common Coun-
cil," figure frequently, states that he agrees with every-
thing the noble chairmau has said ; and has, moreover,
never listened to a more comprehensive and exhaustive
document than the one just read ; which is calculated to
satisfy even the most obtuse and hard-headed of individ-
uals.
Gobbleton is a great man in the city. He has either been
lord mayor, or sheriff, or something of the sort ; and, as
a few words of his go a long way with his friends and ad-
mirers, his remarks are very favorably received.
"Clever man, Gobbleton!" says a common councilman,
sitting near us, to his neighbor, a languid swell of the
period.
"Ya-as, vewv ! Wemarkable stvle of owatowy —
gweat fluency," replies the other.
But attention, if you please ! — for M. Hector de Longue-
beau, the great French writer, is on his legs. He is stay-
ing in England for a short time, to become acquainted
with our manners and customs.
" MlLOBS AMD Genti/EMANS !" commences the French-
man, elevating his eyebrows and shrugging his shoulders.
"Milora and Gentlemans — You excellent chairman, M. lo
on do Mount-Stuart, he have Bay to me, 'Make de
Den I say to him dat I have no toast to make;
but he nudge my elbow ver soft, and say dat dere is von
toast dat nobody but von Frenchman can make proper;
and, derefore, wid your kind permission, 1 vill makede
toast. ' De hn is de sole of de feet,' as you great
philosophere, Dr. Johnson, do say, in dat amusing Utile
Fork of his, de Pronouncing Dictionnaire j and, derefore,
I vill not say vet moch to de point. Ven I vas a boy,
about so moch tall, and used for to promenade de Btrei
32 THE CHARITY DINNER.
of Marseilles et of Rouen, vid no feet to put onto my shoe,
I nevaro to have expose dat dis day vould to have arrive.
I vas to begin de vorld as von garcon — or, vat you call in
dis countrie, von vaitaire in a cafe — vere I vork ver hard,
vid no habillemens at all to put onto myself, and ver little
food to eat, excep' von old bleu blouse vat vas give to me
by do proprietaire, just for to keep myself fit to bo showed
at; but, tank goodness, tings dey have change ver moch
for me since dat time, and I have rose myself, seulement
par mon industrio et perseverance. (Loud cheers.) Ah !
nies amis ! ven I bear to myself de flowing speech, de ora-
tion magnifique of you Lor' Maire, Monsieur Gobblcclown, I
feel dat it is von great privilege for von etranger to sit at
de same table, and to eat de same food, as dat grand, dat
majestique man, who are de terreur of de voleurs and de
brigands of de metropolis ; and who is also, I for to sup-
pose, a halterman and de chef of you common scoundrel.
Milors and gentlemans, I feel dat I can perspire to no
greatare honneur dan to be von common scoundrelman
myself ; but, helas ! dat plaisir are not for me, as I are
not freeman of your great cite, not von liveryman servant
of von of you compagnics joint-stock. But I must not for-
get de toast. Milors and Gentlemans ! De immortal
Shakispeare he have write, ' De ting of beauty are de joy
for nevermore.' It is de ladies who are de toast. Vat is
more entrancing dan de charmante smile, de soft voice, de
vinking eye of de beautiful lady! It is de ladies who do
sweeten de cares of life. It is de ladies who are de guiding
stars of our existence. It is de ladies who do cheer but
not inebriate, and, derefore, vid all homage to d ere sex,
de toast dat I have to propose is, ' De Ladies ! God bless
dem all !' "
And the little Frenchman sits down amid a perfect
tempest of cheers.
A few more toasts are given, the list of subscriptions is
read, a vote of thanks is passed to the noble chairman;
GO-MORROW, OR LOT'S WIFE. 33
and the Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the
Distribution of Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives
of the Cannibal Islands is at an end.
GO-MORROW, OR LOT'S WIFE.
As I approached a pond, a few d ays ago, where some
negroes were cutting ice, I chanced to hear the conclusion
of a conversation between two of the hands on the subject
of religion.
"What do you know f bout 'ligion ? You don't know
nutbin' 'tall 'bout 'ligion."
" I know a heap 'bout 'ligion; ain't I bin done road de
Bible .'"
" What you read in de Bible ? I say you can't tell me
nutbin' what you read in de Bible ."'
" Bat I kin, dough . 1 read 'bout 'Morro."
" What sort-o' Morrow — to-morrow ?"
"No, Go-Morrow."
" Well, whar be go, and what ho go fur .'"
" Shoh, man ! he didn't go now bar, Vuz bo was a town."
"Dar! didn't I toll you you didn't know nutbin' 'bout
nutbin'? You read do Bible! Hoccum (bow come) do
town name 'Morro, and how detown gwine to go anywharf
i own haint got no legs."
'• Man, you'fl a bora fool, sbo'. De town named Go-
Morrow, but dey call it 'Morro, 'euz they didn't have no
fchne to stay talk-in' long talk."
"Debbil dey didn't! Ef dey stay dar to-day, why
can't dey stay dar tO-mOTTOW .' 'S|>lain me dat."
•■ Bui dey all gone, and de town too. All done bu'n up."
'• Efdere ain't no pepul, and dere ain'l no town, how do
town oai Morrol G'long, Digger! Didn't I know you
34 GO-MORROW, OR LOT'S WIPE.
didn't know nuthiu' 'tall 'bout 'ligion ? But (sarcastically)
tole me some mo' what you read in de Bible V
" Well, 'Morro was a big town — 'bout mighty nigb's big
as Wasbington city — and de pepul wat live dar was de
meannes' pepul in de wbole worl'. Dey was dat mean dat
de Lord be couldn't abear 'em, and be make up his min'
dat be gwine bu'n de town clear up. But dar was one
good man dar — member uv de church, a p'sidin elder —
named Lot."
" Taas, I know'd him !"
" Whar you know him ?''
" On de canned (canal). He owned a batto, and drorit
hisself."
"Heist, man! I talkin' sense" now. Den de Lord he
came to Lot, and he say, 'Lot, I gwine bu'n dis town.
Ton and you wife git up and gether you' little alls and put
out fo' de crack o' day, coz I certn'ly gwine bu'n dis town
and de pepul to-morrow.' Den Lot he and his wife riz
and snatched up their little alls and traveled soon in de
mornin'. And de Lord he tuk two light 'ud (light wood)
knots and some sbavin's, and he set fire to dat ar town uv
'Morro, and he bu'n it spang up clear down to the groun."
"What 'come o' Lot?"
" He and be wife dey went and dey went and dey went
t'well pres'n'ly he wife say, ' Lord ! ef I ain't gone and lef
de meal-sifter and de rollin' pin I wish I may die,' and she
, turn round, and — and — she dar now !"
"What she doin' now?"
" Nutbin ."
" Must bemons'uslazy woman."
"No, she ain't. De Lord he tu'n her to pillow uv salt,
'cos she too 'quisitive."
" Dar ! ev'rybody know 'bout sack o' salt ; but who ever
hear 'bout pillow o' salt? But what come o' Lot '!"
" Lot, he weren't keerin' 'tall 'bout no rollin' pin and no
meal -sifter, so he kept straight 'lon<r, 'thout turnin' uv be
head to the right, neither to the .left."
THE WTXD AST) THE MOOX. 35
" And lef de ole 'oman dar ?"
"Yass."
" In de middle of de road ?"
" Yaas ?"
" Must keered mighty little fur her — want to git married
to sec'n wife I spec'. But de fus man come 'long and
want to git some salt to bake ash-cake, he gwinelo bust a
piece out'n Lot's wife, and 'stroy her ; and what you think
o' dat ? call dat 'ligion ? And de ole man lef her ? and
you read dat —
Here a peremptory order from the foreman to " go to
work'' broke short the conversation.
THE WIND AND TnE MOON.
QKORC.E MACDON'AI.n.
Said the "Wind to the Moon, " I will blow you out.
Tou stare
In the air
Like a ghost in a chair,
Always looking what 1 am about;
I hate to be watched ; I will blow you out."
The Wind blew bird, and out went the Moon.
So, deep
On a heap
Of clouds, to sloop,
Down lay the Wind, and Blambexed soon —
Muttering low, "I've done for that Moon."
He turned in his bed ; sin: was there again !
On high
In the sky,
With her one gho
The Moon shone white and alive and plain,
the Wind—" I will blow
3G THE WIND AND THE MOON.
The Wind blew hard, and the Moon grew dim.
"With my sledge
And my wedge
I have knocked off her edge !
If only I blow right fierce and grim,
The creature will soon be dimmer than dim."
•
He blew and he blew, and she thinned to a thread.
"One puff
More's enough
To blow her to snuff!
One good puff more where the last was bred,
And glimmer, glimmer, glum will go the thread !"
He blew a great blast, and the thread was gone ;
In the air
Nowhere
"Was a moonbeam bare;
Far off and harmless the shy stars shone;
Sure and certain the Moon was gone !
The "Wind he took to his revels once more ;
On down,
In town,
Like a merry mad clown,
He leaped and halloed with whistle and roar,
What's that ?" The glimmering thread once more !
He flew in a rage — he danced and blew ;
But in vain
Was the pain
Of his biwsting brain ;
For still the broader the Moon-scrap grew,
The broader he swelled his big cheeks and blew.
Slowly she grew — till she filled the night,
And shone
On her throne
In the sky alone,
A matchless, wonderful, silvery light,
Radiant and lovely, the queen of the night.
DYIN VOEDS OF ISAAC. 37
Said the Wind — "What a marvel of power am I !
With my breath,
Good faith !
I blew her to death —
First blew her away right out of the sky —
Then blew her in ; what a strength am I !"
But the Moon she knew nothing about the* affair,
For, high
In the sky,
"With her one white eye,
Motionless, miles above the air,
She had never heard the great "Wind blare.
DYIN YORDS OF ISAAC.
ANONTMO0B.
Yhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dbere lifed dherein,
py dot Clark Sdhreet out, a shentlemans who got some
names like Isaacs; be geeb a doting store, mit goots dot
vit you yoost der same like dhey vas made. Isaacs vas a
goot fellers, and makes goot pishness ou bis bause. Veil,
tbrade got besser as der time he vas come, and dose leetle
Bhtore vas nnt so pig enuff like anudder shtore, und pooty
gwick he locks out and leaves der pblace.
Now Tacoh Schloffenheimer vas a sbmard feller, und be
dinks of he dock derolt shtore begot good pishness und
• oil coostomers von Tsaac out. Yon tay dhere comes
a shentlemans on his store, and Yacoh quick say of der
mans, "How you vas, mein freund; you like to look of
mine goots, aind it."' "Nein," der mans say. "Veil,
mein freund. it make me ootting troubles to show dot
goots." "Nein; I dond vood buy sometings to tny."
"Yoost come mil me vonce, mein freund, and I Bhow you
sometings, and, so hellah me gracious, I dond ask- vou to
buy dol •■ Veil, I told vou vat it vas, I dond vood
4 i-
38 MAUD MULLER IX DUTCH.
look at some tings yoost now ; I keebs a livery shtable,
und I likes to see inein old freund, Mister Isaacs, und I
came von Kaintucky out to see bim vonce." "Mister
Isaacs ! Veil, dot isb pad ; I vas sorry von dot. I dells
you, mein freund, Mister Isaacs be vas died. He vas mein
brudder, und he vas not mit us eny more. Yoost vben he
vas on bis deat-ped, und vas dyin, be says of me, ' Yacob,
(dot isb mine names,) und I goes me ofer mit his peteide,
und be poods bis hands of mine, und he says of me,
' Yacob, ofer a man he shall come von Kaintucky out, mit
ret hair, und mit plue eyes, Yacob, sell him dings cbeab,'
und be lay ofer und died his last."
MAUD MULLER IN DUTCH.
Maud Muller, von summer afternoon
Vas (lending bar in her fadder's saloon.
She solt dot bier, und ringed " Shoo Fly,"
Und vinked at der men mit her lefd eye.
Bud ven she looked oud on der shdreed,
Und saw dem gals all dressed so shweed,
Her song gifed out on a ubber note,
Cause she had such a hoss in her troat ;
Und she vished she had shdarnps to shbend,
So she might git such a Grecian Bend.
Hans Brinker valked shlowly down der shdreed,
Shmilin at all der gals he'd meed;
Old Hans vas rich — as I've been dold, —
Hadhoases und lots, und a barrel of gold.
He shdopped py der door, und pooty soon
He valked righd indo dot bier saloon.
Und he vinked at Maud, und said " My Dear,
Gif me, of j'ou pblease, a glass of bier."
She vend to der pblaee vere der bier keg shtood,
Und pringed him a glass dot vas fresh und goot.
AIAUD HULLEK IX DUTCH. 89
" Dot's gout," said Hans, "dot's abetter drink
As ert'er 1 had in mine life, I dink."
He dalked for a virile, den said, " Goot day."
Und up der shdreet he dook his vay.
Maud hofed a sigh, and said, "Oh how
I'de like to been dot olt man's frow,
Such shplendid close I den vood vear,
Dot all the gals around vood shdare.
In dot Union Park I'd drive all tay,
Und efery evenin go to der blay.
Hans Brinker, doo, felt almighty gweer,
(But dot mite peen von trinkiu beer.)
Und he says to himself, as he valked along,
Hummin der dune of a olt lofe song,
" Dot's der finest gal I efer did see,
Und I vish dot she my wife cood be."
But here his solillogwy came to an end,
As he dinked of der gold dot she might shbend ;
Und he maked up his mind dot as for him,
He'd marry a gal mit lots of " din."
So he vent righd off dot fery day,
Und married a voomau olt uud gray.
He vishes now, but all in vain,
Dot he vas free to many again ;
. Free as ho vas dot afdernoon,
• Yen ho med Maud Muller in der bier saloon.
Maud married a man without some " soap" —
Mr vas lazy doo — but she did hope
Dot he'd get hcdder when shildren camo;
But vhen dey had, he vas yoost der same.
Und ofden now dem dean vill conn:
A be sits alone yn her day's York's done,
Und dinks of der day 1 1 an-; called her " my dear,"
i ' ad a l.e.i her for a glass of bier ;
But she don'd oomblain, nor efer ha i,
Uud oney says, " Dot coodu't vas."
40 MOSES, THE SASSY; OK THE DISGUISED DUKE.
MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE.
Chapter I.
ELIZT.
My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the
parler of the bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street
sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is covered ore with the
frosts of between \7 Summers. She has just sot down to
the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called " Smells
of the Notion," in which she tells how, with pensiv
thought, she wandered by a C beat shore. The son is
settin in its horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a golden
meller flud through the winders, and makes the young
lady twict as beautiful nor what she was before, which is
onnecessary. She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage
basque, with poplin trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals
and 3 ply carpeting. Also, considerable gauze. Her
dress contains 16 flounders and her shoes is red morocker,
with gold spangles onto them. Presently she jumps up
with a wild snort, and pressin her hands to her brow, she
exclaims, " Methinks I see a voice !"
A noble youth of 27 summers enters. ^He is attired in a
red shirt and black trowsis, which last air turned up over
his boots ; his hat, which it is a plug, being cockt onto one
side of his classical head. In sooth, he was a heroic lookin
person, with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiest days,
near projuced a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him ad-
mirinly for a spell, Elizy (for that was her name) orga-
nized herself into a tabloo, and stated as fullers :
"Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight? Is it some
dreams ? No, I reckon not ! That frame ! them store
close ! those nose ! Yes, it is me own, me only Moses !"
He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that
he was " a huukey boy.' ;
MOSES, THE SASSY; OR THE DISGUISED DUKE. 41
Chapter II.
WAS MOSES OF NOBLE BIRTH ?
Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fel-
lers bad just bin bavin an annual reunion witb Fifty's
fellers on tbe day I introjuce Moses to my readers, and
Moses bad bis arms full of trofees, to wit : 4 scalps, 5 eyes,
3 fingers, 7 ears (which be cbawed off), and several balf
and quarter sections of noses. When tbe fair Elizy recov-
ered from ber delight at meetin Moses, sbe said:— "How
bast tbe battle gonest ! Tell me !"
"We cbawed 'em up— tbat's wbat we did !" said tbe buhl
Moses.
" I thank tbe gods !" said the fair Elizy. " Thou did'st
excellent well. And, Moses," she continnered, layin her
bed confidinly agin his weskit, " dost know I sumtimes
think thou ist'est of noble birth f '
"No!" said he, wildly kctchin hold of hisself. "You
don't say so !"
" Indeed do I ! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest
tome the tother night."
"Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," sed Moses.
" I'll bet two dollars and a quarter be did !" replied
Elizy. " He.said, ' Moses is a Disguised Juke !'•"
"You mean Duke," said Moses.
" Dost not tbe actors all call it Juke ?" said she.
That settled the matter.
" I hev thought of this thing afore," said Moses, abstract-
edly. " If it is so, then thus must it he ! 'J B or not 2 B !
Which 1 Sow, sow ! Butenuff. life! life! you're too
many for me!" He tore out s< • of his pretty yeller hair,
stampt on the floor Bevril times, and was gone.
Cm \i'ir.!: ill.
■in:: I'ini r FOILED.
sixteen long and weary years baa elapsl since the Beens
narrated in tin- last chapter took place. A noble ship, the
42 MOSES, the sassy; ok the disguised duke.
Sary Jane, is a-sailiu from France to Ameriky via the
Wabash Canal. The pirut ship is in hot pursoot of the
Sary. The pirut capting isn't a man of much principle,
and intends to kill all the people on bored the Sary and
confiscate the wallerbles. The capting of the S. J. is on
the pint of givin in, when a tine lookin feller in russet
boots and a buffalo overcoat rushes forored and obsarves :
" Old man ! go down stairs ! Ketire to the starbud bulk-
hed ! Til take charge of this Bote !"
" Owdaskus cuss !" yelled the capting, " away with thee,
or I shall do mur-rer-der-r-r !"
" Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a dia-
mond-hilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's bed. He
expired shortly, his last words bein, " We are governed
too much."
" People !" sed the stranger, " I am the Juke d'Moses !"
"Old boss!" sed a passenger, " niethinks thou art
blowin !" whareupou the Juke cut orf his bed also.
" Oh that I should live to see myself a ded body !"
screamed the unfortunit man. " But don't print any verses
about my deth in the newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt
ye!"
" People !" sed the Juke, '" I alone can save you from
yon bloody pirut!. Ho! a peck of oats!" The oats was
brought, and the Juke, boldly mountin the jibpoop,
throwed them onto the towpath. The pirut rapidly ap-
proached, chucklin with fiendish delight at the idee of in-
creasin his ill-gotten gains. But the leadin boss of the pi-
rut ship stopt suddent on comin to the oats, and commenst
for' to devour them. In vain thepiruts swore and throwed
stones and bottles at the boss— he wouldn't budge an inch.
Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her bosses on the full jump,
was fast leavin the pirut ship !
" Onct again do I escape deth !" said the Juke between
his clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop.
THE YARN OF THE NANCY BELL. 43
Chapter IV.
THE WANDERER'S RETURN.
The Juke was Moses the Sassy ! Yes, it was !
He Lad bin to France, and now be was borne agin in
Bosun, wbicb gave birth to a Bunker Hill ! He bad
some trouble in gitting bisself acknowledged as Juke in
France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were fer-
nesfe him, but he finely conkered. Elizy knowed him right
off, as one of his ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed
off in his fights with opposition firemen durin boyhood's
sunny hours. They lived to a green old age, beloved by
all, both grate and small. Their children, of which they
have numerous, often go up onto the Common and see tho
Fountain squirt.
This is my 1st attemt at writin a Tail & it is far from
bein perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9
cases out of 10 they can either make Life as barren as the
Dessert of Sarah, or as joyous as the flower garding, my
objeck will have been accomplished, and more too.
THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL."
REAK HY J. 31. UEI.LKW. w. H . OILUKBT.
"f was cm the slimes that round our coast
From Deal to Kamsgate span,
That I found alone on a piece of stone
An elderly naval man.
Ilis hair was weedy, his beard was long,
Ami weedy and long was he,
And I heard this wight on the shore recite
In a BlDgular minor key :
"Oh, F him a eook, and a captain hold.
a nd the mate of tin- Naney brig,
And a bo'BUD tight, and B mid hipmitc,
And tin- cii'w of thf captain's gig I"
44 THE TARN OF THE NANCY BELL.
And he shook his fists, and he tore his hair,
Till I really felt afraid,
For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking,
And so I simply said :
" Oh, elderly man, it's little I know
Of the duties of men of the sea,
And I'll eat my hand if I understand
How you can possibly be
" At once a cook and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig."
Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which
Is a trick all seamen Iarn,
And having got rid of a thumpin' quid,
He spun this painful yam :
'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell
That we sailed to the Indian sea,
And there on a reef we come to grief,
"Which has often occurred to me.
" And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned,
(There was seventy-seven o' soul),
And only ten of the Nancy's men
Said ' Here !' to the muster roll.
" There was me, and the cook, and the captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy brig,
And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig.
" For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink,
Till a-hungry we did feel,
So we drawed a lot, and accordin' shot
The captain for our meal.
" The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate,
And a delicate dish he made ;
Then our appetite with the midshipmite
We Seven survivors stayed.
THE YAJEN OF THE NAXCY BELL. 45
" And then we murdered the ho'sun tight,
And he much resembled pig;
Then we wittled free, did the cook and me,
On the crew of the captain's gig.
" Then only the cook and me was left,
And the delicate question, ' Which
Of us two goes to the kettle V arose,
And we argued it out as sich.
" For I loved that cook as a brother, I did,
And the cook he worshiped me ;
But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed
In the other chap's hold, you see.
" ' I'll be eat if you dines of me,' says Tom
'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be.'
' I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I ;
And ' Exactly so,' quoth he.
"Says he, 'Dear James, to murder me
Were a foolish thing to do,
For don't you see that you can't cook mc
While I can — and will — cook you?'
" So he boils the water, and takes the salt
And the pepper in portions true
("Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot
And some sage and parsley too.
"'Come here,' says be, with a proper pride,
Which his smiling features tell,
"Twill soothing be if I lei yon see
How extremely nice you'll smell.'
" And he stirred it round and round and round,
And he sniffed at the foaming froth—
When 1 Dps with his heels and smothers his squeals
In the cum of the boiling broth.
" And I eat that cook in a week or le
And — as I eating be
The last of his chops, why, F almost dro]
: ' a sight 1 ee.
46 PADDY THE PIPEE.
" And I never grieve, and I never smile, ■
And I never larf nor play,
But I sit and croak, and a single joke
I have — which is to say :
" Oh, I am a cook, and a captain bold,
And the mate of the Nancy brig,
And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite,
And the crew of the captain's gig J"
PADDY THE PIPER.
SAMUEL LOVEB.
I'll tell you, sir, a mighty quare story. 'Twas afther
nightfall, and we wor sittin' round the fire, and the pratees
was boilin', and the noggins of butthermilk was standin'
ready for our suppers, whin a knock kem to the door.
" Whist," says my father, " here's the sojers come upon us
now," says he. "Bad luck to thim, the villains; I'm
afeard they seen a glimmer of the fire through the crack
in the door," says he.
"No," says my mother, "for I'm afther hanging an ould
sack and my new petticoat agin it, a while ago."
"Well, whist, anyhow," says my father, "for there's
a knock agin j" and we all held our tongues till another
thump kem to the door.
" Oh, it's folly to purtiud any more," says my father ;
" they're too cute to be put off that-a-way," says he. " Go,
Shamus," says he to me, " and see who's in it."
" How can I see who's in it in the dark ?" says I.
" Well," says he, " light the candle, thin, and see who's
in it. But don't open the door for your life, ban-in' they
break it in," says he, "exceptin' to the sojers ; and spake
them fair, if it's thim."
So with that I wint to the door, and there was another
knock.
PADDY THE TIPER. 47
" Who's there V> says I.
" It's me," says he.
" Who are you ?" says I.
"A friend," says he.
" Baithershin .'" says I ; " who are you, at all ?"
" Arrah ! don't you know me ?" says he.
" Divil a taste," says I.
" Sure I'm Paddy the Piper," says he.
"Oh, thuudher and turf!" says I; "is it you, Paddy,
that's in it V 1
" Sorra one else," says he.
" Aud what brought you at this hour ?" says I.
"By gar," says he, " I didn't like goin' the roun' by the
road," says he, " and so I kern the short cut, and that's
what delayed me," says he.
*******
"Faix, then," says I, " you had betther lose no time in
hidin' yourself," says I, " for troth I tell you, it's a short
thrial and a long rope the Husshians would be afther givin'
you— for they've no justice, and less marcy, the villains !"
"Faith, thin, more's the raison you should let me in,
Shamus," says poor Paddy.
"It'.sa folly to talk," says I; " I darn't open the door."
"Oh then, milliamurther !" says Paddy, " what'll be-
come of me at all, at all f says he.
"Go aff into the shed." says I, "behind the house,
where the cow is;" but instead of going to the cow-house,
he Bet off to go to the fair, and he wint meandherin' along
through the fields, but ho didn't go far, until cliinbin' up
through a hedge, when he was coming out at t'other side,
he kern plump agin somethin' that made the Are Hash out
iv h So with that he looks up — and what do you
think it was. Lord be marcifal onto \v/.\ bul a corpse
banguV out of a branch ofa three ' "<>h, the top of the
mornin' to yon, sir," says Paddy; "and is thai the way
with yon, my poor fellow! Throth you too] a tart out
48 PADDY THE PIPER.
•
o' me," says poor Paddy ; and 'twas thrue for bim, for it
would make tbe beart of a stouter man nor Paddy jump to
see tbe like, and to tbink of a Christian cratbur being
banged up, all as one as a dog.
*******
Says Paddy, eyein' tbe corpse, " By my sowl tbin, but
you have a beautiful pair of boots an you," says be, " and
it's what I'm tbiukin' you won't bave any great use for
tbirn no more ; and sbure it's a sbame to see tbe likes o'
me," says be, " tbe best piper in tbe siviu counties, to be
trampin' wid a pair of ould brogues not wortb three tra-
neens, and a corpse wid sucb an illigant pair o' boots, tbat
wants some one to wear tbim." So witb tbat Paddy laid
bould of bim by tbe boots, and began a pullin' at tbim,
but they wor mighty stiff; and whether it was by rayson
of their bein' so tight, or the branch of the tree a-jiggin'
up and down, all as one as a weighdee buckettee, and not
lettin' Paddy cotch any right hoult o' tbim, be could get
no advantage o' tbim at all ; and at last he gev it up, and
was goin' away, whin, lookin' behind him agin, the sight of
the illigant fine boots was too much for him, and he turned
back outs with his knife, and what does
he do, but he cuts off the legs av the corpse ; and says he,
" I can take aff the boots at my convanyience." And
throth it was, as I said before, a dirty turn.
Well, sir, he tucked up tbe legs undber his arm, and
walked back agin to the cow-house, and hidin' the corpse's
legs in tbe stbraw, Paddy wint to sleep. But what do you
think ? the divil a long Paddy was there antil the sojers
kem in airnest, and, by the powers, they carried off Paddy ;
and faith it was only sarvin' him right for what he had
done to the poor corpse.
Well, whin the morning kem, my father says to me,
" Go, Sbamus," says be, " to the shed, and bid poor Paddy
come in, and take share o' the pratees ; for I go bail he's
ready for his breakquest by this, anyhow."
PADDY TnE TIPER. 49
Well, out I wint to the cow-bouse, and called out
" Paddy !" and afther callin' three or four times, and
gettin' no answer, I wint in, and called agin, and divil an
answer I got still. " Blood-an-agers !" says I, " Paddy,
where are you, at all, at all ?" and so, castin' my eyes
about the shed, I seen two feet sticking out from undher
the hape o' straw. " Musha ! thin," says I, " bad luck to
you, Paddy, but you're fond of a warm corner; and
maybe you havn't made yourself as snug as a flay in a
blanket ? But I'll disturb your dhrames, I'm thinkin',"
says I, and with that, I laid hould of his heels (as I
thought), and givin' a good pull to waken him, as I in-
tiudid, away I wint, head over heels, and my brains was
a'most knocked out agin the wall. Well, whin I recovered
myself, there I was, ou the broad o' my back, and two
tilings stickin' out o ? my hands, like a pair of Hussbian's
horse-pistils ; and I thought the sight 'd lave my eyes
whin I seen they wor two mortial legs. Myjew'l, I threw
thim down like a hot pratce, andjumpin' up, I roared out
millia murthcr. "Oh, you murtherin' villain," says T,
slinking my fist at the cow — "Oh, you unnath'ral baste,"
says I ; "you've ate poor Paddy, you thievin' cannablo ;
you're worse than a neyger," says I. " And bad luck to
you, how dainty you are, that nothin' 'd serve you for your
supper but the best piper in Ireland !"
*******
With that I ran out, for throth I didn't like to be near
her; and goin' into the house, I tould them all about it.
" Arrah ! be aisy," says my father.
" Bad luck to the lie I tell you," says I.
" la it ate Paddy "." says thi
'• Divil a doubl of it," Bays I.
" Are yon sure, Shaimis f" sa\ J u:\ mother.
•■ I w i i: I .' are of a new pair of brogues," sayr. I.
■ Bad luck to the bit Bhe bas lefl Iv him bul his two legs."
"And do you tell me that she ate the pipes too ?'' says
my father.
50 TADDY THE PIPER.
" By gar, I b'lieve so," says I.
" Oh, the divil fly away wid her," says he ; " what a cruel
taste she has for music !"
" Arrah !" says ruy mother, " don't be cursing the cow
that gives milk to the childer."
"Yis, I will," says my father ; " why shouldn't I curse
sitch an unnath'ral baste ?"
"You oughtn't to curse any livin' that's undher your
roof," says my mother.
" By my sowl, thin," says my father, " she shan't be
undher my roof any more ; for I'll send her to the fair this
minit," says he, " and sell her for whatever she'll bring.
Go aff," says he, " Shamus, the minit you've ate your
breakquest, and dhrive her to the fair."
" Troth, I dou't like to dhrive her," says I.
"Arrah, don't be makin' a gommagb of yourself," says he.
" Faith, I don't," says I.
" Well, like or no like," says he, "you must dhrive her."
* * * * * * *
Well, away we wint along the road, and mighty throng'd
it wuz wid the boys and the girls, and, in short, all sorts,
rich and poor, high and low, crowdin' to the fair.
" God save you," says one to me.
" God save you, kindly," says I.
" That's a fine beast you're dhrivin," says he.
" Troth she is," says I; though God knows it wint agin
my heart to say a good word for the likes of her. . . .
I dhriv her into the thick av the fair, whin all of asuddint,
as I kem to the door av a tint, up sthruck the pipes to the
tune av ' Tattherin' Jack Walsh,' and myjew'l, in a minit,
the cow cock'd her ears, and was makin' a dart at the tint.
" Oh, murther !" says I to the boys standin' by ; " hould
her," says I, "hould her— she ate one piper already, the
vagabone, and bad luck to her, she wants another now."
" Is it a cow for to ate a piper?" says one o' thim.
"Divil a word o' lie in it, for I seen it's corpse myself,
TADDY TIIE riPEK. 51
and nothin' left but the two legs," says I ; " and it's a folly
to be sthrivin' to hide it, for I see she'll never lave it
off — as Poor Paddy Grogau knows to his cost, Lord be mar-
ciful to him."
•• Who's that takin' my name in vain t" says a voice in
the crowd; and with that, shovin' the throng a one side,
who the divil should I see but Paddy Grogau, to all ap-
pearance.
" Oh, hould him too," says I ; " keep him aff me, for
it's not himself at all, but his ghost," says I ; " for he was
kilt last night, to my sartin knowledge, every inch av him,
all to his legs."
Well, sir, with that, -Paddy — for it was Paddy himself,
as it kem out afther — fell a laughin' so that you'd think
his sides 'ud split. And whin he kem to himself, he ups
and he tould uz how it was. as I tould you already. And
av eoorse the poor slandered cow was dhruv home agin,
and many a quiet day she had wid uz afther that: and
whin she died, throth, my father had sich a regard for the
poor thing that he had her skinned, and an illigant
pair of breeches made out iv her hide, and it's in tho
fam'ly to this day. And isn't it mighty remarkable, what
I'm goin' to tell you now, but it's as thrue as I'm here,
that from that out, any one that has thim breeches an, tho
minit a pair 0' pipes Bthrikes up, they can't rest, but goes
jiggin' and jiggin' in their sate, and never stops as long as
•the pipes is plavin and there, there is the wry breeches
that's an me now, and a line pair they are this minit.
SCHNEIDEB SEES LEAH.
i ■ loanrsn.
I vant to dold you vat [1 i . dotfl a putty nice play. Do,
dol you see Leah, she runscro is pridge, mit
oe fellers chasin her mit putty big Bhtics. Dej ketch
her right in de middle of der edge, und der leader, (dot's
52 SCITXEIDEIl SEES LEAH.
dc villen) lie sez of her, "Dot its better ven she dies, und
dot he coodent allow it dot she can lif." Und de Oder fel-
lers hollers out " So ve vill ;" " Gife her somedeth ;" "Kill
her putty quick ;" " Shinack her of der jaw," uud such
dings; und chust as dey vill kill her, do priest says of
dera, " Dond you do dot," und dey shtop dot putty quick.
In der nexd seen, dot Leah meets Rudolph (dots her feller)
in de voods. Before dot he comes in, she sits of de bottom
of a cross, und she dond look pooty lifely, und she says,
"Rudolph, Rudolph, how is dot, dot you dond come und
see aboud me ? You didn't shpeak of me for tree days
long. I vant to dold you vot it is, dot ain't some luf. I
dond like dot." Veil, Rudolph he dond vas dere, so he
coodent sed something. But ven he comes in, she dells of
him dot she luf's him orful, and he says dot he guess he
lufs her orful too, und vants to know vood she leef dot
place, und go oud in some oder country mit him. tnd
she says, "I told you, I vill;" und he says, "Dots all
right," und he tells her he vill meet her soon, und dey vill
go vay dogedder. Den he kisses her und goes oud, und
she feels honkey dorey bond dot.
Yell, in der nexd seen, Rudolph's old man finds oud all
aboud dot, und he don'd feel putty goot ; und he says of
Rudolph, " Yood you leef me, und go mit dot gal?" und
Rudolph feels putty had. He don'd know vot he shall do.
Und der old man he says " I dold you vot I'll do. De
skoolmaster (dot's de villen) says dot she mighd dook
some money to go vay. Now, Rudolph, my poy, I'll gif de
skoolmaster sum money to gif do her, und if she don'd
dook dot money, I'll let you marry dot gal." Yen Rudolph
hears dis, he chumps mit joyness, und says " Fader, fader,
dot's all righd. Dot's pully. I baed you anydings she
voodent dook dot money." Yell, de old man gif de skool-
master de money, und dells him dot he shall offer dot of
her. Yell, dot pluddy skoolmaster comes back und says
dot Leah dook dot gold righd avay ven she didn't do dot.
SCH2TEIDEE SEES LEAH. 53
Den do old man says, "Didn't I told you so ?" und Rudolph
gits so vild dot be svears dot she can't baf someding more
to do mit him. So veu Leah vill meet him in de roods, be
don'd vas dere, und she feels orful, und goes avay. Bime-
by sbe comes up to Rudolph's house. She feels putty bad,
und she knocks of de door. De old man comes oud, und
says, •• Got out of dot, you orful vooman. Don'd you come
round after my boy again, else I put you in de dooms."
Und she says, "Chust let me see Rudolph vonce, und I \iil
vauder avay." So den Rudolph comes oud, und she vants
to rush of his arms, but dot pluddy fool voodent allow dot.
lie chucks her avay, und says, "Don'd you touch me, uf
you please, you deceitfulness gal." I dold you vot it is,
dot looks ruff for dot poor gal. Und she is extouished,
und says, "Vot is dis aboud dot?" Und Rudolph, orful
mad, says, " Got oudsiedt, you iguomonous vooman." Und
she feels so orful she coodent said a vord, and she goes
oud.
Afterwards, Rudolph gits married to anoder gal in a
sliurch. Veil, Leah, who is vandcring eferyveres, happens
to go in dot shurchyard to cry, chust at de same dime of
Rudolph's marriage, vich she don'd know someding aboud.
Putty soon she bears de organ, und she says dere is somo
beeples gitten married, und dot it vill do her unhappiness
»t if sbe sees dot. So she looks in de vinder, und veil
she sees who dot is, my graciousness, don'd she holler, und
shvears vengeance. Putty soon Rudolph chumpsoud iudo
der shurchyard to got some air. He says be don'd feel
putty good. Putty sumo <\f\ see eacb oder, uud dey bad a
Orful dime. He says of her, " Leah, bow is dot you been
ben;.'" I'nd :lw says mit big scorni'iilness, " Got oud of
. yon beat. Bow is dot, you got cbeek to talk of me
t dot vitcb you hafe done." Den be says, " Veil, \ot
for you dooli dot gold, you fal e-hearded leetle gal V und
' Vo\ Old is dot I I didn't dook some; gold."
I'nd ho says, " Don'd you dold a lie aboud dot !" Sbe says
54 SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH
slowfully, " I told you I didn't dook some gold. Vot gold
is dot ?" Und den Rudolph tells her all aboud dot, und
she says, " Dot is a orful lie. I didn't seen some gold ;"
und she adds mit much sarkasrnness, "Und you beliefed I
dook dot gold. Dot's de vorst I efer heered. Now, on ac-
cound of dot, I vill gif you a few gurses." Und den she
svears mit orful voices dot Mister Kain's gurse should git
on bim, und dot he coodent never git any happiness efery-
vere ; no matter vere he is. Den she valks off. Veil, den
a long dime passes avay, und den you see Rudolph's farm.
He has got a nice vife, und a putiful leetle child. Purty
soon Leah comes in, being shased, as ushual, by fellers
mit shticks. She looks like she didn't ead someding for
two monds. Rudolph's vife sends off dot mop, und Leah
gits avay again. Den dot nice leedle child comes oud, und
Leah comes back ; und ven she sees dot child, don'd she
feel orful aboud dot, und she says mit affect fulness, " Come
here, leedle child, I voodn'd harm you ;" und dot nice lee-
dle child goes righd up, und Leah chumps on her, und
grabs her in her arms, und gries, und kisses her. Oh ! my
graciousness, don'd she gry aboud dot. Tou got to blow
your noses righd avay. I vant to dold you vat it is, dot
looks pully.
Und den she says vile she gries, " Leedle childs, don'd
you got some names ?" Und dot leedle child shpeaks oud
so nice, pless her leedle hard, und says, "Oh! yes. My
name dot's Leah, und my papa tells me dot I shall pray
for you efery nighd." Oh ! my goodnessness, don'd Leah
gry orful ven she hears dot. I dold you vat it is, dot's a
shplaindid ding. Und quick comes dem tears in your eyes,
und you look up ad de vail, so dot noboby can'd see dot,
und you make oud you don'd care aboud it. But your eyes
gits fulled up' so quick dot you couldn'd keep dem in, und
de tears comes down of your face like a shnow storm, und
den you don'd care a tarn if efery body sees dot. Und
Leah kisses her und gries like dot her heart's broke, und
CALDWELL OF SPRINGFIELD. 55
she dooks off dot gurse from Rudolph und goes avay. Do
child den dell her fader und ruuder aboud dot, und dey pring
her back. Den dot mop comes back und vill kill her again
but she exposes dot skoolmaster, dot villain, und dot fixes
him. Den she falls down in Rudolph's arms, und your
eyes gits fulled up again, und you can'd see someding more.
I like to haf as many glasses of beer as dere is gryin chust
now. You couldn't help dot any vay. Und if I see a gal
vot don'd gry in dot piece, I voodu't marry dot gal, efen if
her fader owned a pig prewery. Und if I see a feller vot
don'd gry, I voodu't dook a trink of lager bier mit him.
Veil, afder de piece is oud, you feel so bad, und so goot,
dot you must ead a few pieces of hot stuff do drife avay der
plues. But I told you vat it is, dot's a pally piece, I baed
you, don'd it ?
CALDWELL OF SPRINGFIELD.
KKKT HAUTE.
Here's the spot. Look around you. Above, on the height,
Lay the Hesaiana encamped. By that church on the right
Stood the gaunt Jersey fanners. And ljere ran a wall —
You may dig anywhere ami you'll turn up a hall.
Nothing more. Grasses spring, waters run, flowers blow,
Pretty much as they did ninety-three years ago.
Nothing more, did I say? Stay, one moment; yonVe heard
Of Caldwell, the parsOU, who unci! preached the Word
Down at Springfield ? What ! no ? Come, that's bad ; why he had
All the .]t-r.«-y^, aflame ! ami they gave him the name
Of "the rebel bigb priest." He stuck in their gorge,
For he loved the Lord God, and he bated King George !
He had i onmigbteayl When the He iana that day
liarched up with Knyphanaen, they Btopped on their way
At the " Farms," when; his wife, with a child in her arms,
lone in the hou-e. How it happened, none knew
But Qod, .■mil that, one of the hireling crew
Who fired tin- shot. Bnonghl then- she lay,
And Caldwell, the chaplain, her husband, awa '
50 AUTEMTJS WAED'S TAXOEAMA.
Did he preach— did he pray ? Think of him, as you stand
By the old church, to-day ; think of him, and that band
Of militant plowboys ! See the smoke and the heat
Of that reckless advance— of that straggling retreat !
Keep the ghost of that wife, foully slain, in your view—
And what could you, what should you, what would you do ?
Why, just what he did ! They were left in the lurch
For the want of more wadding. He ran to the church,
Broke the door, stripped the pews, and dashed out in the road
'With his arms full of hymn-books, and threw down his load
At their feet ! Then, above all the shouting and shots,
Rang his voice—" Put Watts into 'em, boys ! give 'em Watts !
And they did. That is all. Grasses spring, flowers blow,
Pretty much as they did ninety-three years ago.
Tou may dig anywhere and turn up a ball,
But not always a hero like this— and that's all.
ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA— " AMONG THE
MORMONS."
ARTKMUS WAISD.
Ladies and Gentlemen : Should you be dissatisfied with
anything here to-night. I will admit you all free when I
show in New Zealand— if you will cqnie to me there for the
passes.
I am not an artist. I dou't paint myself, though per-
haps if I were a middle-aged siugle lady of some forty-five
summers, I should ; yet I have a passion for pictures. I
have had a great many pictures— photographs— taken of
myself. Some of them are very pretty— rather sweet to
look at— for a short time — and wear a look of moral tur-
.peutine that is worth an independent fortune to me. I
have an uncle who takes photographs, and I have a ser-
vant who— takes anything he can get his hands on. I once
undertook to be a sculptor— and was often two weeks on a
bust— but finding it wearing upon me, I gave it up.
AJBTBMUS WARD'S l'AXORAMA. £7
I like music— I can't sing. As a singist I am not a suc-
cess. I am saddest when I sing— so are those who hear
me.
This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil-painting
painted in oil — dune in petroleum. It is by the Old Mas-
ters. It was the last thing they did before dying. They
did this and then expired. Some of the greatest artists in
New York come here every morning before daylight, with
lanterns, to look at it. Some say they never saw anything
like it before— others, going farther, say they hope they
never may again. When I first exhibited this picture in
New York, the audience were so enthusiastic in their ad-
miration, that they called for the artist— and when he ap-
peared, they— threw— things— at him.
Owing to a slight indisposition we will now have an in-
termission of fifteen minutes. But, ah— during the inter-
mission I will go on with my lecture!
This benevolent looking old gentleman you see in the
foreground is second in authority to Brigham Young. One
day he came to me with tears in his eyes. I said : '• Why
this thusness ? Why these weeps V He told me he had a
mortgage on his farm— and wanted to borrow $1,000. I
lent him the money— and he went away. Some time after
he returned with more weeps. Be said he must leave mo
forever, [ventured to remind him of the money he had
borrowed. Be was much cut up. I thought I would not
be hard upon him, so told him I would throw up $500.
Be brightened— shook my hand— and said— "Old friend,
1 won't allow you to outdo me in generosity— I will throw
up the other five hundred."
This building on the right is the Mormon theatre, and it
here I made my first appearance as an actor- and
made the great hit of my life. I wish you could have sen
me— I have a fine education -you may have noticed it—
and chew tobacco m fourteen different languages. The
play was the " B d of Pompeii"— I played the Ruins. I
58 SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIRL.
rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself
and family. — I knew he was married — hut did not know he
was so much married — he brought 84 wives and 987 chil-
dren — and they filled the room to overflowing. It was a
great success — hut no money. The next night we played
the beautiful domestic tragedy of Eomeo and Juliet — but
it did not go down. The audience thought it made alto-
gether too much fuss over one woman. The third night I
played Eomeo to 15 Juliets and it went down very well.
These animals that look like rocks — are horses. I know
they are, because my artist says so. For two years before
I discovered this fact I exhibited them as cows. The art-
ist came to me about six months ago, and said, " It is use-
less to disguise it from you any longer — they are horses."
In painting them he fractured his right trachea, which
brought on an attack of — new-mown hay.
This road which you see, leadiug over the mountains, is
one thousand miles in length — I traveled the whole distance
in a stage-coach, but am happy to state that since that
time a railroad has been built. The length of the railroad
is ten miles — thus leaving only nine hundred and ninety
miles to be traveled by stage — which breaks the monotony
of the journey.
• » •
SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIEL.
JOHN QUILL.
Mary Ann was a hired girl.
She was called " hired," chiefly because she always ob-
jected to having her wages lowered.
Mary Ann was of foreign extraction, and she said she
was descended from a line of kings. But nobody ever saw
her descend, although they admitted that there must have
been a great descent from a king to Mary Ann.
And Mary Aun never had any father and mother. As
far as it could be ascertained, she was spontaneousl}' born
in an intelligence office.
SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIRL. 59
It was called an intelligence office because there was no
intelligence about it, excepting an intelligent way they
had of chiseling you out of two-dollar bills.
The early youth of Mary Ann was passed in advertising
for a place, and in sitting on a hard bench, dressed in a
bonnet and speckled shawl and three-ply carpeting, suck-
ing the end of a parasol.
Her nose began well, and had evidently been conceived
in an artistic spirit, but there seemed not to have been
stuff enough, as it was left half finished, and knocked up-
wards at the end.
She said she would never live anywhere where they
didn't have Brussels carpet in the kitchen, and a family
that would take her to the sea-shore in summer. And as
she knew absolutely nothing, she said she must have five
dollars a week as a slight compensation for having to take
the trouble to learn.
Mary Ann was eccentric, and she would often boil her
stockings in the tea-kettle, and wipe the dishes with her
calico frock.
Her brother was a bricklayer, and he used to send her
letters sealed up with a dab of mortar, and it was thus,
perhaps, she conceived the idea that hair was a good thing
to mix in to hold things together, and so she always intro-
duced some of her own into the biscuit.
But Mary Ann was fond —yes, passionately fond— of
work. So much did she love it that she dilly-dallied with
it, and seemed to hate to get it done. She was often very
much absorbed in her work. In (act, she was an absorb-
ing person, and many other things were absorbed besides
Mary Ann. Butter, beef, and eggs, were all absorbed,
I nobody ever knew where they went to.
And Whenever Mary Ann had to make boned turkey,
used to bone the turkey so effectually that nobody
could tell what had beeome of it.
And if she so much as laid her little finger on a saucer,
GO SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIRL.
that identical saucer would immediately fall ou the floor
and be shattered to atoms.
But Mary Ann would merely say that if the attraction of
gravitation was very powerful in that spot she was not to
blame for it, for she had no control over the laws of na-
ture.
Uncles seem to have been one of Mary Ann's weaknesses;
for she had some twenty or thirty cousins, all males, who
came to see her every night, and there was a mysterious
and inexplicable connection betweeu their visits and the
condition of the pantry, which nobody could explain. There
was something shadowy and obscure about it, for when-
ever Mary's cousins came, there was always a fading away
in the sugar-box, and low tide in the flour-barrel. It was
strange — but true.
Mary Ann was troubled with absence of mind, but this
was not as strong a suit with her as absence of body, for
her Sunday out used to come twice a week, and sometimes
three times a week.
But she always went to church, she said, and she thought
it was right to neglect her work for her faith, for she be-
lieved that faith was better than works.
But if the beginning of Mary Ann was strange, how ex-
traordinary was her ending! She never died — Mary Ann
was not one of your perishable kind. But she suddenly
disappeared. One day she was there full of life and spirits
and hope and cooking wine, and the next day she wasn't,
and the place that once knew her knew her no more.
Where she went to, how she went, by what means she
went, no one could tell ; but it was regarded as a singular
coincidence that eight napkins, a soup-ladle, five silver
spoons, a bonnet, two dresses, two ear-rings, and a lot of
valuable green-backs melted away at the same time, and
it is supposed that the person who stole Mary Ann away
must have captured these also.
HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL. 61
HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL.
In years by-gone, before the famous Rockaway Pavilion
was built, the Half-way-House, at Jamaica, Long Island,
used to be filled with travelers to the sea-shore, who put
up there, and visited the beach either in their own or in
hired vehicles, during the day. One warm summer even-
ing, when the house was unusually crowded, an English-
man rode up in a gig, and asked for accommodation for
the night. The landlord replied that all his rooms were
taken, and all his beds, except one, which was in a suite
of rooms occupied by a French gentleman. " If you and
Monsieur can agree to room together," said the landlord,
" there is an excellent vacant bed there."
The traveler replied, " No, I cannot sleep in the same
room with a devil of a Frenchman," and off he rode with
all the gram looks of a real John Bull.
In about half an hour, however, he came back, saying
that as he could find no other lodgings, he believed he
would have to accept the Frenchman as a room-mate.
Meantime his first ill-natured remark had somehow reached
the French gentleman's ears, and ho resolved to pay off
Johnny in his own coin.
On being shown to the apartment, the Englishman
stalked in in his accustomed haughty manner, while the
Frenchman, as is usual with his nation, rose and received
him with smiles and hows— in short, he was more precisely
polite than usual— Sarcastically so, a keen observer would
have thought. Not a word passed between the two, lmt
soon the Englishman gave a pull at the bell-cord. Tho
Frenchman quietly rose from his seat and gave the string
two pulls. On the appearance of the waiter, Bull said —
"Waiter, I want supper; order me a beefsteak and a,
eup of tea."
The Frenchman instantly said — " Yataire, ordaire two
cup tea and two bifsteak; I vant two suppaire I"
62 HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL.
Bull started and looked grum, but said nothing. The
Frenchman elevated his eyebrows, and took a huge pinch
of snuff'. When supper was ready, the two sat down, and
ate for a while in silence, when the Englishman said
" Waiter, bring me a bottle of Burgundy."
The waiter started on his errand, but before reaching
the door, the Frenchman called to him — " Vataire, come
back here ! you bring me two bottle Burgundy."
Bull knit his brows ; Monsieur • elevated his, shrugged
bis shoulders, and took another pinch of snuff. The wine
was brought, and while quaffing it, the Englishman said —
"Waiter, bring me an apple-tart, and a what d'ye call
it, there — a Charlotte de Russe."
Monsieur then called to the waiter — "Bring me two of
de apple tart, and two vat de diable you call him — Sh-Sh-
Sharlie-de-Ross."
Bull's patience was now exhausted, and before the last
order could be executed, he started from his seat and rung
the bell. The Frenchman went to the string and gave it
two violent piills. The waiter (who was almost convulsed
with laughter) came hurrying back, when Bull roared out,
"Waiter, never mind the Charlotte-de-Russe ; bring me
up a boot-jack and a pair of slippers."
The Frenchman responded — " Vataire, you no mind to
bring two of de Sharlie-de-Ross, but you bring two slip-
paire, and two shack-boot."
Before there was time to bring theso articles, Bull had
thoroughly lost his temper, and when the waiter appeared
with them, he thundered out —
" Waiter, bring me a caudle ; and if you have no room
in the house with a bed in it, besides this, show me a set-
tee, or a lounge, or a couple of chairs, or, in short, any
place where I can rest in peace by myself."
- Monsieur instantly called out — "Stop, vataire ; you sail
bring me two candle, and if you have no room with two
bed in him, you sail bring mo two lounge, two settee, and
two chair ! by gar, I vill rest in two pieces !"
TIAAIONDTS ON DER TRAIN. C3
Bull could stand it uo longer. He kicked the boot-jack
out of the way and made a rush for the door, banged his
head in an attempt to open it, ran against the waiter at
the head of the stairs, when both tumbled to the bottom,
darted into the bar-room; paid his bill, and ordered up his
horse and gig, swearing he would never sleep in the house
with a mad Frenchman.
TIAMONDTS ON DER PRAIN.
Hans geebs a millinery shtore py Shtate shtreet
out, und vas hereditary on der soopject of dhem tiamondts.
Ofer a mans comes on his hause mit shooelry of efery kindts,
Hans vas got some affecktions about him. Von tay dhere
comes py his pblace von Mister Shmid. Now, dot shen-
dlemans vears py his bosom a tiamondt bin, und von of der
bulliest kindt. Hans sh peaks mit him und says: "Veil,
Mister Shmid, how you vas? Dot ish a nice tay pehindt
noon, Mister Shmid." "Yah, Hans; id vas shure a goot
tay." " You dond vas pooty goot lookin to-day, Mister
Shmid. You got some mellongholly. Aiud itf Vat ish
der tifficuldy ?" "Veil, Hans, dot ish recht. I have some
mellongholly py me. No longer as von veek ago mine sis-
ter she vas dook sick und died, und now I got some sad
indelligence dot mine mudder she vas on her death-ped."
" [sh dot so, Mister Shmid '? Veil, I dhnily sympadises
mit yon. Some dime ago mine brodder vas gone died, und
I reel fery pad now. i yoosl got some indeUigences, too,
dot mine leetle cousin vas been dookiu sick und vood die.
I loirs dot leedle cousin and dol cousin lofes me, und efery
time \ lieu I goes me of her bause, \ lien der nite be vas
comes, "line, ''Coot uacht, cousin Hans, und dhen
on der fhloor, py ber petside, and, mit her leedle
ban he brays to der Great Got Almighdy, —
Ish dot a tiamondt youvearon your bosom, .Mister Shmid?"
G4 KING ROBERT OF SICILY.
KING ROBERT OF SICILY.
READ BY J. M. BELLEW. H. w. lo.ngfellow.
Robert of Sicily, brother of Pope Urbane
And Yalmond, Emperor of Allemaine,
Appareled in magnificent attire,
With retinue of many a knight and squire,
On St. John's eve, at vespers, proudly sat
And heard the priests chant the Magnificat.
And as he listened, o'er and o'er again
Repeated, like a burden or refrain,
He caught the words, " Deposuit potcntes
Be sede, et exaltavit humiles ;"
And slowly lifting up his kingly head,
He to a learned clerk beside him said,
" What mean those words V The clerk made answer meet,
" He has put down ttre mighty from their seat,
And has exalted them of low degree."
Thereat King Robert muttered scornfully,
'f'Tis well that such seditious words are sung
Only by priests, and in the Latin tongue ;
For unto priests and people be it known,
There is no power can push me from my throne!"
And leaning back, he yawned and fell asleep,
Lulled by the chant monotonous and deep.
When he awoke, it was already night ;
The church was empty, and there was no light,
Save where the lamps that glimmered, few and faint,
Lighted a little space before some saint.
He started from his seat and gazed around,
But saw no living thing and heard no sound.
He groped towards the door, but it was locked ;
He cried aloud, and listened, and then knocked,
And uttered awful threatenings and complaints,
And imprecations upon men and saints.
The sounds re-echoed from the roof and walls
As if dead priests were laughing in their stalls.
KIXG ROBERT OF SICILY. 65
At length the sexton, hearing from without
The tumult of the knocking and the shout,
And thinking thieves were in the house of prayer,
Came with his lantern, asking, " "Who is there ?"
Half choked with rage, King Robert fiercely said,
"Open ; 'tis I, the King! Art thou afraid?"
The frightened sexton, muttering with a curse,
" This is some drunken vagabond, or worse I"
Turned the great key and flung the portal wide ;
A man rushed by him at a single stride,
Haggard, half naked, without hat or cloak,
TT ho neither turned, nor looked at him, nor spoko,
But leaped into the blackness of the night,
And vanished like a spectre from his sight.
Robert of Sicily, brother of Pope Urbane
And Yalmond, Emperor of Allemaine,
Despoiled of his maguificent attire,
Bare-headed, breathless, and besprent with mire,
"With sense of wrong and outrage desperate,
Strode on and thundered at the palace gate;
Rushed through the court-yard, thrusting in his rage
To right and left each seneschal and page,
And hurried up the broad and Bounding stair,
nis white face ghastly in the torches' glare.
From hall to hall he passed with breathless speed ;
Voices and cries he heard, but, did not heed,
Until at last he reached Hie banquet-room,
Blazing with light, and breathing with perfume.
Then; on the dais sat another kin,L r ,
Wearing his robe-, hie crown, bis signet-ring —
King Robert's Belfin features, form, and height,
But all transfigured with angelic light I
It was an anirel ; and his presence there
With a divine effulgence filled the air,
An exaltation, piercing the disguise,
Though none the hidden angel recognise.
,\ moment peecbless, motionless, amazed,
The throne! ess monarch on the angel gazed,
Who met his look., of anger and surprise
66 KING ROBERT OF SICILY."
"With the divine compassion of his eyes !
Then said, " Who art thou and why com'st thou here ?"
To which King Robert answered with a sneer,
" I am the king, and come. to claim my own
From an impostor, who usurps my throne !"
And suddenly, at these audacious words,
TJp sprang the angry guests, and drew their swords ;
The angel answered, with unruffled brow,
" Kay, not the king, but the king's jester ; thou
Henceforth shalt wear the bells and scalloped cape,
And for thy counselor shalt lead an ape ;
Thou shalt obey my servants when they call,
And wait upon my henchmen in the hall I"
Deaf to King Kobert's threats and cries and prayers,
They thrust him from the hall and down the stairs ;
A group of tittering pages ran before,
And as they opened wide the folding-door,
His heart failed, for he heard, with strange alarms,
The boisterous laughter of the men-at-arms,
And all the vaulted chamber roar and ring
With the mock plaudits of " Long live the King !"
Next morning, waking with the day's first beam,
He said within himself, " It was a dream !"
But the straw rustled as he turned his head,
There were the cape aud bells beside his bed ;
Around him rose the bare, discolored walls, r
Close by the steeds were champ'ing in their stalls,
And in the corner, a revolting shape,
Shivering and chattering, sat the wretched ape.
It was no dream ; the world he loved so much
Had turned to dust and ashes at his touch !
Days came and went ; and now returned again
To Sicily the old Saturnian reign ;
Under the angel's governance benign
The happy island danced with corn and wine.
Meanwhile King Robert yielded to his fate,
Sullen and silent and disconsolate.
Dressed in the motley garb that jesters wear,
KIXG EOBEBT OF SICILY. G7
With looks bewildered, and a vacant stare,
Close shaven above the ears, as monks are shorn,
By courtiers mocked, by pages laughed to scorn,
His only friend the ape, his only food
"What others h ft — he still was unsubdued.
And -when the angel met him on his way,
And half in earnest, half in jest, would say,
Sternly, though tenderly, that he might feel
The velvet scabbard held a sword of steel,
"Art thou the king I" the passion of his woe
Burst from him in resistless overflow.
And lifting high his forehead, he would fling
The haughty answer back, " I am, I am the king!"
Almost three years were ended, when there came
Amhassadors of great repute and name
From Valmond, Emperor of Allemaine,
Unto King Robert, saying that Pope Urbane
By letter summoned them forthwith to come
On Holy Thursday to his city of Koine.
The angel journeyed with them o'er the sea
Into the lovely land of Italy.
And Io ! among the menials, in mock state,
Upon a piebald steed, with shambling gait,
His cloak of foxtails flapping in the wind,
The solemn ape demurely perched behind
King Robert rode, making huge merrimen!
In all the country towns through which they went.
The Pope received them with great pomp, and blare
Of bannered trumpets, <>n St. Peter's Square,
Giving his benediction and embrace,
fervent, and full of apostolic graee.
"While with Congratulations and with prayers
Be entertained the angel unaw ares,
Robert, theje ter, bursting through the crowd,
Into their pre ence rushed, and cried aloud :
"I am the king! Look and behold in me
Robert) yourbrother, King of Sicily !
Thi man, who weai - my emblance to your < 3 1
6.8 KING ROBERT OF SICILY.
Is an impostor in a king's disguise.
Do you not know me ? Does no voice -within
Answer my cry, and say we are akin ?"
The Pope in silence, but with troubled mien,
Gazed at the angel's countenance serene ,
The Emperor, laughing, said, '• It is strange sport
To keep a madman for thy fool at court !"
And the poor, baffled jester, in disgrace
TVas hustled back among the populace.
In solemn state the holy week went by,
And Easter Sunday gleamed upon the sky ;
The presence of an augel, with its light,
Before the sun rose, made the city bright,
And with new fervor filled the hearts of men,
"Who felt that Christ indeed had risen again.
Even the jester, on his bed of straw,
"With haggard eyes the unwonted splendor saw;
He felt within, a power unfelt before,
And, kneeling humbly on his chamber floor,
He heard the rushing garments of the Lord
Sweep through the silent air, ascending heavenward.
And now the visit ending, and once more
Yalmond returning to the Danube's shore,
Homeward the angel journeyed, and again
The land was made resplendent with his train.
And when once more within Palermo's wall,
And, seated on his throne in his great hall,
He heard the Angelus from convent towers,
As if the better world conversed with ours,
He beckoned to King Robert to draw nigher,
And with a gesture bade the rest retire.
And when they were alone, the angel said,
"Art thou the king?" Then bowing down his head,
King Robert crossed both hands upon his breast,
And meekly answered him, " Thou knowest best !
My sins as scarlet are ; let me go hence,
And in some cloister's school of penitence,
.Across those stones that pave the way to heaven
"Walk barefoot till my guilty soul is shriven !"
GLOVER-SOX, THE MORMOX. GO
The angel smiled, and from his radiant face
A holy light illumined all the place,
And through the open window. Loud and clear,
They heard the monks chant in the chapel near,
Ahove the stir and tumult of the street,
'• He has put down the mighty from their seat,
And has exalted them of low degree !"
And through the chant a second melody
Hose like the throbbing of a single string :
"Iamau angel, and thou art the King !"
King Robert, who was standing near the throne,
Lifted his eyes, and lo ! he was alone !
But all appareled as in days of old,
With ermined mantle and with cloth of gold;
And when hi.-, courtiers came, they found him there,
Kneeling upon the floor, ahsorhed in silent prayer.
GLOVERSOX, THE MORMON.
IIITEII'S WARD.
Chameb I.
THE MOKMo.v's DEPAKT0BE.
The morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave
Great Salt Lake City with a mule-train dawned beautifully.
Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon,
with an interesting family of twenty young and handsome
wives. His unions had never been blessed with children.
often as once a year ho used to go to Omaha, in Ne-
braska, with a mule-train, for goods ; but although he had
performed the rather perilous journey many times with en-
tire safety, his heart was strangely sad on this particular
morning, and filled with gloomy forebodings.
The time for his departure bad arrived. The high-
spirited mules were at the door, impatiently champing their
bits. The Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives.
■• Dearest ><u<- ." be said, " I am Bingularly sad at heart
70 GLOVEKSON, THE MORMON.
this morning, but do not let this depress you. The journey
is a perilous one, but — pshaw ! I have always come back
heretofore, and why should I fear ? Besides, I know that
every night, as I lay down on the broad, starlit prairie,
your bright faces come to me in my dreams, and make my
slumbers sweet aud gentle. You, Emily, with your mild
blue eyes; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black
hair ; and you, Nelly, with your hair so brightly, beautifully
golden ; and you, Molly, with your cheeks so downy ; and
you, Betsey, with your wine-red lips — far more delicious,
though, than any wine I ever tasted; and you, Maria, with
your winsome voice ; and you, Susan, with your — with your
— that is to say, Susan, with your — and the other thirteen
of you, each as good and beautiful, will come to me in sweet
dreams, will you not, dearestists V*
" Our own," they lovingly chimed, " we will !"
" And so farewell !" cried Reginald. " Come to my arms,
my own!" he said — "that is, as many of you as can do it
conveniently at once, for I must away."
He folded several of them to his throbbing breast and
drove sadly away.
But he had not gone far when the traces of the off-hind
mule became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to ad-
just the trace ; but ere he had fairly commenced the task,
the mule, a singularly refractory animal, snorted wildly and
kicked Reginald frightfully in the stomach. He arose with
difficulty aud tottered feebly towards his mother's house,
which was near by, falling dead in her yard, with the re-
mark, " Dear mother, I've come home to die."
" So I see," she said ; " Where's the mules?"
Alas ! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer In vain
the heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate
form, crying, "Oh, my son, my son ! only say where the
mules is, and then you may die if you want to !" In vain,
in vain !
Reginald had passed on.
GLOYERSOX, THE MORMOX. 71
Chapter II.
FUNERAL TRAPPINGS.
The mules were never found.
Reginald's heart-broken muther took the body home to
her unfortunate sou's widows. But before her arrival she
discreetly seut a boy to bust the news geutly to the alllieted
wives, which he did by informing them in a hoarse whisper
that "their old man had gone in."
The wives felt very badly indeed.
" He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily.
•■ A'i 1 to me," said Maria.
"Yes," said Emily, "he thought considerably of you,
but not so much as he did of me."
" I say he did."
" Ami I say ho didn't,"
" He did."
"He didn't"
" Don't look at me with your squint eyes !"
" Don't shake your red head at me !"
• - iters," said the black-haired Henrietta, "cease this
unseemly wrangling. I, as Reginald's Grst wife, shall strew
flowers on his grave !"
■• No, you won't," said Susau ; " I, as his last wife, shall
strew flowers on his grave. It is my business to strew."
"You shan't; so there!" said Henrietta.
•• Sbubel I willl" said Susan, with a tear-suffused oheek.
"Well, as for me," said the practical Betsey, "I ain't
on the Btrew much, but I shall ride at the head of tho
funeral prOCessiOD I"
" Not If I've ever been Introduced to myself, youwon't,"
golden-haired Nelly; "that's my position. Fou
I onr bonnet-string
hildren," Bald Reginald's mother, " yon musl do some
Ing, yon know, on the day of th" funeral; and how
man. pocket handkerchieft will it take to go round f
72 GLOVERSON, THE MORMON.
Betsey, you and Nelly ought to make one do between you."
"I'll tear her eyes out if she perpetrates a sob on my
handkerchief," said Nelly.
" Dear daughters-in-law," said Reginald's mother, "how
unseemly is this anger ! Mules is five hundred dollars a
span, and every identical mule my poor boy had has been
gobbled up by the red men. I knew when my Reginald
staggered into the door-yard that he was on the die ; but
if I'd only thunk to ask him about them mules ere his gen-
tle spirit took flight, it would have been four thousand
dollars in our pockets, and no mistake. Excuse these real
tears, but you've never felt a parent's feelin's."
" It's an oversight," sobbed Maria. "Don't blame us."
Chapter III.
DUST TO DUST.
The funeral passed off in a very pleasant manner, nothing
occurring to mar the harmony of the occasion. By a happy
thought of Reginald's mother, the wives walked to the
grave twenty abreast, which rendered that part of the cere-
mony thoroughly impartial.
*******
That night the twenty wives, with heavy hearts, sought
their twenty respective couches. But no Reginald occu-
pied those twenty respective couches — Reginald would
nevermore linger all nigbt in blissful repose on tbose twenty
respective couches — Reginald's head would nevermore press
the twenty respective pillows of those twenty respective
couches — never, nevermore !
In another house, not many leagues from the house of
mourning, a gray-haired woman was weeping passionately.
" He died," she cried — " he died without sigerfyin', in any
respect, where them mules Went to !"
GLOVERSON, THE MORMON. 73
Chapter IV.
MAERIED AGAIN.
Two years are supposed to have elapsed between the third
and fourth chapters of this original American romance.
A manly Mormon, one evening, as the sun was prepar-
ing to set among a select apartment of gold and crimson
clouds in the western horizon — although, for that matter,
the sun has a right to " set" where it wants to, and so, I
may add, has a hen — a manly Mormon, I say, tapped
gently at the door of the mansion of the late Reginald
Gloverson.
The door was opened by Mrs. Susan Gloverson.
"Is this the house of the widow Gloverson?" the Mor-
mon asked.
" It is," said Susan.
"And how many is there of she?" inquired the Mormon.
"There is about twenty of her, including me," courte-
ously returned the fair Susan.
"Can I see her f
"You can."
" Madame," he softly said, addressing the twenty dis-
consolate widows, " I have seen part of you before. And
although I have already twenty-five wives, whom I respect
and tenderly can' for, I can truly say that I never felt
love's holy thrill till I saw thee! Be mine — be mine!" ho
enthusiastically cried, " and we will show the world a
striking illustration of the beauty and truth of the noblo
lines, only ;i good deal more so —
Twenty urn' souls with a single thought,
Twenty-one hearl a that beat a one.
They were united, they were.
Gentle reader, due qoI the moral of this romance show
that however many there may be of a young widow woman,
or rather <\>><^ it not show that whatever number of per-
sons one, woman may consist of— well, never mind what it
shows.
74 DE PINT WID OLE PETE.
DE PINT WID OLE PETE.
ANONTMOUS.
Upon the hurricane deck of one of our gunboats, an el-
derly darkey, with a very philosophical and retrospective
cast of countenance, squatted on his bundle, toasting his
shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged into a
state of profound meditation. Finding, upon inquiry, that
he belonged to the Ninth Illinois, one of the most gallantly
behaved and heavy losing regiments at the Fort Douelson
battle, I began to interrogate him upon the subject.
" Were you in the fight !" •
" Had a little taste of it, sa."
" Stood your ground, did you V
" No, sa ; I runs."
" Run at the first fire, did you ?"
"Yes, sa; and would hab run soona, had I knowd it
war comin'."
" Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage."
" Massa, dat isn't my line, sa; cookin's my profeshun."
" Well, but have you no regard for your reputation ?"
"Yah, yah ; reputation's nuffin to me by de sideob life."
" Do you consider your life worth more than other
people's ?"
" It is worth more to me, sa."
" Then you must value it very highly ?"
" Yes, sa, I does ; more dan all dis world, more dan a
million ob dollars, sa ; for what would dat be wuth to a
man wid de bref out ob him? Self-preserbation am do
fust law wid me."
" But why should you act upon a different rule from
other men ?"
"Because different men set different values upon their
lives ; mine is not in de market."
"But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction of
knowing that you died for your country."
PAT AND THE PIG. 7 J
" What satisfaction would dat be to me when de power
ob feelin' was gone V
" Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you?"
•• Xuffin whatever, sa; I regard them as among the van-
ities."
"If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have bro-
ken up the government without resistance."
" Yes, sa ; dar would hab been no help for it."
" Do you think any of your company would have missed
you, if you had been killed?"
" Maybe not, sa; a dead white man ain't much to dese
sogers, let alone a dead nigga ; but I'd a missed myself,
and dat was de pint wid me."
PAT AND THE PIG.
ANOXYMOl'8.
"We have read of a Pat so financially flat
That he had neither money nor meat,
And when hungry and thin, it was whispered by sin
That he ought to steal something to eat.
So he went to the sty of a widow near by,
And he gazed on the tenant— poor soul !
" Arrah now," said he, " what a trate that'll be,"
And the pig of the widow he stole.
In a feast he rejoiced ; then he went to a Judge;
For, in spite of the pork and the lard,
There was something within that was sharp as a pin,
For his conscience was pricking him hard.
And he said with a tear, " "Will your Etiverence hoar
What I have in sorrow to s.i .
Then the Btory be told, and the tale did unfold
Of tin; pig he had taken away.
Ami the Judge to him Baid, " Ere yon go to your bed,
You mud pay for the pig yon have taken,
Pot 'ii thus, by my sou], you'll be Baving your soul,
And will also be saving your bacon."
76 WIDOW bedott's letter to elder sniffles.
" Oh, be jabers," said Pat, " I cau niver do that —
iSTot the ghost of a hap'orth have I —
And I'm wretched indade, if a penny it nade
Any pace for rne conscience to buy."
Then in sorrow be cried, and the Judge be replied,
" Only think how you'll tremble with fear
When the Judge you shall meet at the great judgment seat
And the widow you plundered while here."
" Will the widow be there ?" whispered Pat, with a stare,
" And the pig ? by me sowl, is it thrue V
" They will surely be there," said the Judge, " I declare,
And, oh Paddy ! what then will you do ?"
" Many thanks," answered Pat, " for your telling me that ;
May the blessings upon you be big !
On that sittlemintday to the widow I'll say,
' Mrs. Flannegan, here is your pig !' "
THE WIDOW BEDOTT'S LETTER TO ELDER
SNIFFLES.
IT; M. WH1TCHER.
Sence the first time I beered you preach, I've had au
uixliscribable desire to have some privit conversashun with
you in regard to the state of my mind— your discourse was
so wonderful sarcbin that I felt to mourn over my back-
slidden state of stewpidity, and my consarn increased every
time I've set under the droppius of your sanctuery. Last
night, when I beered of your sickness* I felt wonderful
overcome ; onable to conseal my aggitation, I retired to
my chamber, and bust into a flood of tears. I felt for you,
elder Sniffles — I felt for you. I was wonderful exercised in
view of your lone condition.
Ob, it's a terrible thing to be alone in the world ! I know
all about it by experience, for I've been pardnerless for
nigh twelve year j it's a trying thing, but I thought 'twas
better to be alone than to run enny risk — for yer know it's
"WILOW bedott's letter to elder sniffles. 77
runniu' a great risk to take a second companion, espeshelly
if they ain't decidedly pious — and them that's tried to per-
swade me to change my condition, dident none of 'em give
very satisfactory evidence of piety — 'taint for me to say how
inenny I've refused on account of their want of religion ac-
cordin' to my notions, riches and grander ain't to he com-
pared to religion, no how you can fix it, and I always told
'em so.
But I was tellin' how overcome I was when I heered of
your being attacked with infiueuzy. I felt as if I must go
right over and take care of you. I wouldent desire no
better intertainment than to nuss you up, and if it 'twaut
for the speech of peeple, I'd fly to your rolefe instanter, but
1 know 'twould make talk, and so I'm necessitated to stay
away.
But I felt so consarned about you that I couldn't help
writin' these few lines to you to let you know how anxious
1 be on your account, and to beg of you to take care of
yourself. Oh elder, do be careful — the influenzy's a dan-
gerous eppidemik, if you let it run on without attendin' to
it in season — do be careful — consider what a terrible thing
'twould be for you to be took away in the height of yer
^usefulness ; and oh, elder, nobody wouldn't feel yer loss
with more intensitude than what I should, though mebby
I badent oughter say so.
Oh, elder Sniffles, I do feel as if I couldent part with yon
no bow. Tin so interested in your preachiu, and it's had
such a wonderful attendency to subdew my prejadisbes
a^'in' your denominashun, and has sot me considorin'
whetther or no there aint good christuns in all denomina-
sliuns, 'cept, of course, the anevarsellers.
oh. reverend elder, I intreal you to take care of your
preshus bealtfa. I send you herewith a paper ofboneset ; you
must make some good Stiff tea on't and drink about a
quail to-night afore you retire. Molasses or vinegar's a
"I thing, too, for a cold or coffj jesl take about a pint
78 WIDOW eedott's letter to elder sxlffles.
of molasses and bile it down with a teacup of vinegar and
a hunk of butter as big as a hen's egg, and stir in about a
half a teacup full of peppersass, and eat it down hot jest
afore bedtime — and take a strip of flannil, and rub some
hog's lard on't — though goose ile's about as good — and pin
it round yer throat rite off; and I send likewise a bag of
hops — you must dip it in bilin' hot water with some red
peppers in it; now don't forgit nothin' I've proscribed.
But I was a tellin' how exercised I was when I heerd of
your sickness. I went immejitly to my chamber, and gin
away to a voiellent flud of tears. I retired to my couche of
repose, but my aggetashun prevented my sleepin' I felt
quite a call to express my feelins in poitry — I'm very apt
to when ennything comes over me — so I riz and lited my
candle, and composed these ere stanzys, which I hope will
be aggreible to you.
reverend sir I do declare,
It drives me a'inost to frenzy,
To think of you a lyin there
Down sick with influenzy.
A body'd a thought it was enough
To mourn j^er wife's departer,
"Without sech trouble as this 'ere
To come a follerin' arter.
But sickness and affliction is trials sent
By the will of a wise creation,
And always ought to be underwent
With fortytude aud resignashun.
Then mourn not for your pardner's deth,
But tew submit endever ;
iFor sposiu she hadent a died so soon,
She couldn't a lived forever.
Oh, I could to your bedside fly,
And wipe your weepin' e.ves,
Aud try my best to cure you up,
If 'twouldent create surprize.
THE CRT OF THE CHILDREN. 79
It'a a world of trouble we tarry in —
But elder dou't dispair;
That you may soon be inovin' agiu,
Is constantly my prayer.
Both sick and well, you may depend
Youle never be forgot,
By your faithful and affectionate friend,
Priscilla Pool Bedott.
THE CRT OF THE CHILDREN.
CI.1ZARETH BARRETT BROWNINQ.
Do ye hear the children weeping, my brothers,
Ere the sorrow comes with years ?
They are leaning their young heads against their mothers-
Aud that cannot stop their tears.
The young lambs are bleating in the meadows,
The young birds are chirping in the nest,
The young lawns are playing with the shadows,
The young flowers are blowing toward the west-
But the young, young children, my brothers,
They are weeping bitterly! —
They are weeping in the playtime of the others,
In the country of the free.
They look up with their pale and sunken faces,
And their looks are sad to see,
For the man's hoary anguish draws and presses
Down the checks of infancy—
" Tour old earth," they say "is very dreary;"
"Our young feet," they say, " are very weak !"
Fev paces have we taken, yet arc weary—
Our grave rest is very fur to seek.
A -k the aged why they weep, and not the children,
For Hie oul ide earth is cold,
And we young ones stand without, in our bewildering,
And the graves are for the old.
"True," say the children, " it may happen
That we die before our time.
80 THE CRY OF THE CHILDREN.
Little Alice died last year— the grave is shapen
Like a snowball, in the rime.
We looked into the pit prepared to take her —
Was no room for any work in' the close clay :
From the sleep wherein she lieth none will wake her,
Crying, ' Get up, little Alice ! it is day !'
If you listen by that grave, in sun and shower,
With your ear down, little Alice never cries ! —
Could we see her face, be sure we should not know her,
For the smile has time for growing in her eyes !
And merry go her moments, lulled and stilled in
The shroud, by the kirk-chime !
It is good when it happens," say the children,
" That we die before our time."
Alas alas, the children ! they are seeking
Death in life as best to have !
They are binding up their hearts away from breaking,
With a cerement from the grave.
Go out, children, from the mine and from the city-
Sing out, children, as the little thrushes do —
Pluck you handfuls of the meadow-cowslips pretty —
Laugh aloud, to feel your fingers let them through !
But they answer, "Are your cowslips of the meadows
Like our weeds auear the mine ?
Leave us quiet in the dark of the coal shadows,
From your pleasures fair and fine !
"For oh," say the children, "we are weary,
And we cannot run or leap —
If we cared for any meadows, it were merely
To drop down in them and sleep.
Our knees tremble sorely in the stooping —
We fall upon our faces, trying to go ;
And, underneath our heavy eyelids drooping,
The reddest flower would look as pale as snow.
For, all day, we drag our burden tiring
Through the coal-dark underground —
Or, all day, we drive the wheels of iron
In the factories round and round.
THE CRT OF THE CHILDREN". 81
" For, all day, the wheels are droning, turning-
Their wind comes in our faces, —
Till our hearts turn — our head, with pulses burning,
And the walls turn in their places —
Turns the sky in the high window blank and reeling,
Turns the long light that drops adown the wall —
Turn the black flies that crawl along the ceiling —
All are turning, all the day, and we with all.
And all the day, the iron wheels are droning !
And sometimes we could pray,
'0 ye wheels/ (breaking out in a mad moaning),
' Stop ! be silent for to-day !' "
Ay ! be silent ! Let them hear each other breathing
For a moment mouth to mouth —
Let them touch each other's hands, in afresh wreathing
Of their tender human youth !
Let them feel that this cold metallic motion
Is not all the life God fashions or reveals —
Let them prove their living souls against the notion
That they live in you, or under you, wheels ! —
Still, all day, the iron wheels go onward,
Grinding life down from its mark ;
And the children's souls, which God is calling sunward,
Spin on blindly in the dark.
Now tell the poor young children, my brothers,
To look up to Him and pray —
S<> the blessed One, who hlesseth all the others,
Will bless them another day.
They an u>r, " Who i< Coil that He should hear 08,
While the rushing of the iron wheels is stirred?
When '.vi: soli aloud, tin- human eivatures near us
I'a i by, hearing not. or answer not a word ;
And we hear not (for the wheels in their resounding)
Str n door;
t likely God, with anj jing round him,
Hear our weeping any mo;
'■Two words, indeed, of praying we remember,
And at midnight's hour of harm,
82 THE CRY OF THE CHILDREN.
' Our Father,' looking upward in the chamber,
"We say softly for a charm.
"We know no other words, except ' Our Father/
And we think that, in some pause of angel's song,
God may pluck them with the silence sweet to gather,
And hold both within His right hand, which is strong.
' Our Father !' If He heard us, He would surely
(For they call Him good and mild)
Answer, smiling down the steep world very purely,
' Come and rest with me, my child.'
" But no !" say the children, weeping faster,
" He is speechless as a stone ;
And they tell us, of His image is the master
Who commands us to work on.
Go to !" say the children — "Up in Heaven,
Dark, wheel-like, turning clouds are all we find.
Do not mock us; grief has made us unbelieving —
"We look up for God, but tears have made us blind."
Do you hear the children weeping and disproving,
my brothers, what ye preach ?
For God's possible is taught by His world's loving —
And the children doubt of each.
They look up with their pale and sunken faces,
And their look is dread to see,
For they mind you of their angels in their places,
"With eyes turned on Deity ; —
"How long," they say, " how long, cruel nation,
Will you stand, to move the world, on a child's heart-
Stifle down with a mailed heel its palpitation,
And tread onward to your throne amid the mart ?
Our blood splashes upward, gold-heaper,
And your purple shows your path !
But the child's sob curses deeper in the silence
Than the strong man in his wrath I"
THE DUTCHMAN AND THE SMALL-POX. 83
THE DUTCHMAN WHO GAVE MRS. SCUDDER
THE SMALL-POX.
ANONYMOUS.
Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the
driver of a stage in New Jersey, and be passed daily
through the small hamlet of Jericho. One morning, just
as the vehicle was starting from Squash Point, a person
came up and requested the driver to take in a small box,
and '• leave it at Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left
after you get into Jericho."
" Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der bans/' said the
driver, " I pleeve der voman dakes in vashin', vor I always
sees her mit her clothes hung out."
;ht, that's the place," said Ellis, (for that was
the man's name,) "she washes for one of the steamboats."
The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot,
the driver took his 'levenpennybit for carrying it, and the
je started on its winding way. In an hour or two, the
four or five houses comprising the village of Jericho hove
in sight In front of one of them, near the door, a tall
muscular woman was engaged at a wash-tub, while lines
of white linen, flattering in the wind, ornamented the ad-
joining lawn. The Btage stopped atthe gate, when the
following ludicrous dialogue, and attendant circumstauces,
took place :
Driver Is di M Scatter^ hac
Woman [looking up, without stopping her work,]— Yes,
I'm M; Scudder.
Driver ['fe gol der small pox in der stage; \ill you
com'- out ami dake it ?
Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was
hing] <;■>( tin- small-pox ! mercy <>n me, why do you
stop bnv, you wicked man! you'd better he off, quick
can. [Runs into the house.]
Driver mutters to himself i yonder vat's der matter
mit der fool ; Pfe goot mind to drow it over dor fence.
84 THE DUTCHMAN AXD THE SMALL-POX.
Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the
stage, and carries it into the house. But in an instant he
reappears, followed by a broom with an enraged woman
at the end of it, who is shouting in a loud voice —
" You git out of this ! clear yourself quicker ! — you've no
business to come here exposing decent people to the small-
pox ; what do you mean by it ?"
"I dells you it's der shm&W pox !" exclaimed the Dutch-
man, emphasising the word box as plainly as he could —
" Ton't you versteh ? — der shmall pox dat Misther Ellis
sends to you."
But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend
this explanation, even if she had listened to it. Having it-
fixed in her mind that there was a case of small-pox on
the stage, and that the driver was asking her to take into
the house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation knew
no bounds. " Clear out !" exclaimed she, excitedly, "111
call the men folks if you don't clear !" and then shouting
at the top of her voice, " Ike ! you Ike ! where are you?"
Ike soon made his appearance, and inquired —
" W-what's the matter, mother ?"
The driver answered — H I dells you now onct more, for
der last time, I'fe got der shmall pox, and Misther Ellis
he dells me to gif it to Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish
Miss Scutter, vy she no dake der pox ?"
By this time several of the passengers had got off the
stage to see the fun, and one of them explained to Mrs.
Scudder that it was a box, and not small-pox, that the
driver wished to leave with her.
The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that
she was still incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike.
" Oh, mother!" exclaimed he, "I know what 'tis — it's
Madame Ellis's box of laces, sent to be done up."
With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and
Mistress Scudder received the Dutchman's " shmall pox "
amidst the laughter and shouts of the occupants of the
sculpix. 85
old stage coach. The driver joiued iu, although he had
not the least idea of what they were laughing at, and as
the vehicle rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth
by saying, in a triumphant toue of voice, " I vas pound
ter gif der old vomaus der shmall pox, vether she vould
dake it or not !"
(if.
SCULPIN.
ASONYMOl'9.
It may not be amiss to remark that it was the identical
Greek Slave" concerning which the ensuing colloquy took
place, between the sculptor himself and a successful Yan-
kee speculator, who had " come over to see Eu-rope."
Scene— Power's studio at Florence. Enter stranger,
spitting, and wiping his lips with his hand: "Be ycou
Mister Powers, the skulpture ?"
"T am a sculptor, and my name is Powers."
"Y-e-a-8; wall, I'spectedso; they tell'd me yeou was
— y-e-a-s. Look a here— drivin' a pritty stiff bizness, eh ?"
:• I"
"I say, plenty to du, eh! What d's one o' them air
fetch T"
« Sir V
" I ask't ye what's the price of one of them, sech as yeou'ro
peckin' al oeow."
•■ I am to have three thousand dollars for this when it is
completed."
A'-h-a-t !— heow much ?"
"Three thousand dollars."
'• T-h-r-e-e t-h-o-u-s-a-n-d d-o-l-l-a-r-s! Han't statc-
warv Hz lately ! I was eal'latin' to buy .some ; but it's (civ
high. Beow'a paintln'a I Guess I must gil some paintin's.
h-o-u-s-a-n-d d-o-l-l-a-r-s! Wall, it is a trade,
BCnlpin is; that'.- sal tain. What dew they make yeou pay
fur your tools and stuff? S'pect my oldest hoy. Cephas
86 BATS.
could skulp ; fact, I know he could. He is allers whittlin'
reouud, au' cuttin' away at things. I jist wish yeou'd
'gree to take kiui prentice, an' let him go at it full chisel.
D' you know where I'd be liable to put him eout ? He'd
cut stun a'ter a while with the best of ye, he would ; and
make money, tew, at them prices. T-h-r-e-e t-h-o-u-
s-a-n-d d-o-l-l-a-r-s ! Wall, guess I won't take enny of
your stone gals tew-day at them prices. Jewhitaker !"
EATS.
JOHS MclSTOSH.
A rat ! a rat ! dead for a ducat !
Killed with a broom behind a bucket ;
Dead as a herring as soon as I struck it.
^Nothing so horribly mean as rats;
Quite as great a nuisance as cats ;
Bothered us had they for more than a year,
Gnawing the boards, so very near ;
Trundling about at dead of lri^rht,
Scurrying round, but seldom in sight ;
Trundling,
Bundling,
Hurrying,
Scurrying,
Eattlety bang! off in a jiffy,
Making a fellow feel ever so " miffy."
Pop she goes, never say die,
Round the barrels I madly fly,
Hoping to catch 'em ; all in my eye ;
Off to each hole,
The villains stole,
Soon as they heard my footsteps nigh.
"Went to bed one night in wrath,
After I thought I discovered the path
They gen'rally took to go their rounds ;
Heard them skittle behind the lath ;
"Vowed that night I'd cut a swath,
RATS. 87
Killing and mangling and giving wounds;
Put the broom in a handy place,
Chuckled to think of the bloody chase
I'd have with the sport of their losing race ;
Never a wink,
Nary a blink
Of sleep had I. I rose at one,
Lighted a lamp and roused my wife ;
She woke with a y-a-w-m
• • Hush," said I, " no noise, on your life ;
Bats," I whispered, "more than a dozen;
Don't you hear 'em ? Listen ! Was'n
That a stunner that jumped just now ?
Forward, march ! Confound the row!"
Hadn't you better put on your boot- .'
They bite sometimes, the saucy brutes,"
Wife whispered low ;
" Consarn them, no ;
Ain't to be scared so," answered I ;
• I lite, and says I the fur will fly."
" "We'd better call aunt Polly's cat,"
She whispered again. I said to that,
"Drat the cats!
At the rats "—
Quoting a word from Coriolanus —
Alone I go;
"If you an- afraid,
(Jo back to bed ;
This I know,
And swear by the bulk of huge I'lanus,
This Dight by the broom
They meet their dooni ;
Steal along with a velvet tre.nl ;
No more, keep dark, and Imagine them dead."
Into the kitchen we went, with a bounce,
Seizing my broom like a spear at once,
I charged amain ;
Scamper, flit,
Sudden noi e,
88 EATS.
" Why don't you hit V
My good wife cries,
"Hit what?"
"Goose! the rat."
Slam !
Jam !
Over the room
Slathered the broom ;
Crack !
Whack !
But never a one of them went to doom ;
Stealing away like guilty souls,
I heard them squeaking a laugh in their holes.
I made a vow —
This was the how :
Eaising my broom as high as the ceiling,
I thought for a moment of swearing kneeling ;
And but that 'twould have a ridiculous look,
I'd done it there ;
But, goodness me ! I thought, as I took
A passing glance
At the circumstance —
My legs were bare,
A night-shirt only enveloped my form,
And then my wife,
Upon my life,
I knew she would raise such a deuce of a storm
Of laughter and fun,
I cut and run.
I vowed in my heart that night no sleep
Over my senses numb should creep,
Or eyes should touch —
I hadu't much
For a month before —
Until a rat,
Untouched by a cat,
Should lie on the floor,
Outstretched in its gore,
EATS. 89
And slain by me with my warlike broom ;
All this I repeated again in my room.
Wife said but little, my back was riz ;
It was well for her that she had the wis-
dom to say little to me that night ;
I think, however, she gave a snicker —
Which I ignored, for I dread a bicker
With her, for the reason, she's always right.
Engaugh ! She snores, I'm wide awake,
Thinking of rats —
Of rats, not cats ;
In fancy, a score
I've killed, and more.
Innocent she of the lives I take
In my broom's wild sweep ;
I will show her the heap
In the morning, slain for her dear sake.
Hark ! that was a rat !
At once I sat
Up in the bed, to hear it once more ;
It skittles across the kitchen floor —
It ! thunder ! there must be a hundred or more ;
Creaking again goes the bedroom door,
But all unheard in their wild uproar.
Soon with Tarqiiin's ravishing stride
Down the stairs like a ghost I glide;
And I Baid in my vengeance, woe betide
The sleek mad roystering villain's hide,
That comes as 8 salve to my wounded pride.
I place my lamp in the pasi age there ;
I know that its bright petroleum glare
Over the kitchen floor will flare ;
I handle my lir 11 a In imlilitire.
Bang flie the door. By Jove, there's three !
Double quick, forward ! Hurrah forme!
Over the tables, clearing the chairs —
Sma-h went u couple of window panes —
Two have escaped, oue still remains;
90 AX IXTHODUCTIOX.
Into a basket of clothes he tears ;
Still for his beggarly life he strove ;
Over the wood-box, under the stove ;
Scampering over the breakfast plates,
Jinglety whop went all the spoons ;
Soon, on the window-sill he skates,
Hi ! Look out ! I vow, the loon's
Almost along with his thievish mates.
Hit him ! Co-whollop ! I've got you now !
Thud ! and co-whop ! Hi ! that's the how !
A rat ! A rat ! dead for a ducat !
Killed with a broom behind a bucket,
Dead as a herring as soon as I struck it.
AN INTRODUCTION.
MABK TWAIN.
"Ladies — and — gentlemen: By— the request of the
Chair-man of the — Commit-tee — -I beg leave to — intro —
duce — to you — the reader of the eve-ning — a gentleman
whose great learning — whose historical ac-curacy — whose
devotion — to science — and — whose veneration for the truth
— are only equalled by his high moral character — and — his
— majestic presence. I allude — in these vague general
terms — to my-self. I — am a little opposed to the custom of
ceremoniously introducing a reader to the audience, because
it seems — unnecessary — where the man has been properly
advertised ! But as— it is — the custom — I prefer to make
it myself— in my own case — and then I can rely on getting
in — all the facts ! I never had but one introduction — that
seemed to me just the thing— and the gentleman was not
acquainted with me, and there was no nonsense. ' Ladies
and gentlemen, I shall waste no time in this introduction.
I know of only two facts about this man ; first, he — has
never been in state prison, and second, I can't — imagine
why."
A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VAKDE2T. 91
A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY YAKDEN. ■
ANONYMOUS.
Veil, mine freuud, you know dat I bav on my bet dat
leedle bump der frenollogiggers say dat I hav great like for de
ladies, aiud it ! Veil, I vas goin down de sbtreetder tay after
yesterday, und ven I comes to der blace vat dey calls del-
corner, so der sbtreet mit anoder sbtreet makes a nice leetlo
cross oder der leetle saw-buck, you know vat dat is. So
soon I comes to der blace, vot you tink ? a nice leetle poy
mit great many papers in der band goes by, and sbust so
soon as be goes by be gifs me von luetic paper mitout
notings. But it vas padder as vorse vot 1 took dot leetlo
paper, and den I goes and makes me von mineself von
great pig fool. Vat you tink I on dot paper find— you no
guess dot in swelve tousand year. I dell you vot I see on
dot. It vas like diss. '• Conic und see your Dolly Vardeu.
Sbe is lovely, sbe is putiful, sbe is rich ! You can sbe bav
for most notings." Den der leetle paper gives der number
von der sbtreet vare I could sbe find. It vas said Mr.
Shteward, py Proatvay oud. So soon I reads dot petter
as goot mine heart makes me von pitty-pat, knock-knock.
You know vat dat is. I no more knows vare I lif oder var
I vas goin. Dolly Varden ! She vas rich ; sbe vas lovely;
she vas putiful; und Dolly, dot vas sbust so nice names,
aind it? Cud der lectio poy dat me dot paper gives,
made ho on dot paper say dot I can she bav Cor most
notings. Derfirehl ding vol mine eyo come agaioBt vas von
dose leetle shticks mit der great American Hag round him,
vot says dot dere \\ kers be taken offdere, und der hair
be so bright and shining made, also der placking boots.
Denn [goe dere, und I paysdol man fifteen cent —
fifteen cent! mind you dot! vile dot he make mine hair
der vay votlshpeak von. Den, mit mine bet up, feeling
dot I sbust so pig as Carl Schurz, I goes after der sbtreet
92 A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VARDEN.
for to git me mine Dolly Varden. I vonders so soon I
comes to dcr blace und sees der pig shtore shop of Mister
Shteward, vedder or not she owns all dot nice buildings.
Anoder leetle poy opens dot door so nicely, unt he looks
me in der face so shmilings dot I tinks praps it vos Dolly's
brudder ; und mine heart he goes so hot like fire ; most
like der pig plazing Shecawgo fire. Und I says to der
poy so shweet I could you know, "You hav der sister here,
aint it ?" Denn der poy he look me mit vonder, und he
make dot het go so, like dot. I shpeaks no more mit der
poy, but I goes to der shtand, vare I sees von fine gentle-
man, und I says, " I vould dot young lady see, vot der
leetle poy givs me paper von." "Vot is dot!" says der
sheutlemans. Denn I says, " I vants mine Dolly Varden V
Und der man says, " Dolly Varden ! come dis vay venn
you blease." Und I follows dot man mit mine heart full
von great tremblings unt joy put togedder, shust like der
apple und meat in der mince pie. Put vat is dot he do
now ? He go und show me a leetle piece von cloth mit
great many putiful color. Denn I say " You nixverstay me.
I no vant to see her dress. I vould see Dolly Varden she
self." Dere goes more vunder douu der poy hat over der face
von der sheutlemans, und he say " Dis is Dolly Varden."
Denn I say " Dolly Varden ! Dolly Varden ! Oh ! I no vant
such voomans as dot." Und mine mind runs vay mit mine
het, unt mine het runs vay mit mine bodies, und mine
bodies runs vay mit mine feet, und der shtore is vay on der
odder side von me. Und ven I see again on der shtreet dot
leetle poy I vould him pants make varni for dot he gif me
so much heart-ache.
Und denn ven I tinks on vot I pees und vat I used to
vas, I feels I trow fifteen cent avay mitout sufficient cause.
Den I feels mit mineselfs so mad to trow avays fifteen
cents — tree glass lager — for notinks, dat I go very queeck
and trown mineself in de try-tock, till I vas vashit ashore
mit a bar of soft-soap.
"rocs; of ages."
93
"ROCK OF AGES."
" Eock of ages, cleft for me,"
Thoughtlessly the maiden sung,
Fell the words unconsciously
From her girlish, gleeful tongue ,
Sung as little children sing,
Sung as sing the birds in June ;
Fell the words like light leaves sown
On the current of the tune —
" Rock of ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee."
Felt her soul no need to hide —
Sweet the song as song could bo
And she had no thought beside;
All the words unheedingly
Fell from lips untouched by care,
Dreaming not that each might bo,
On some other lips, a prayer —
" Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee."
"Rock of Ages, cleft for me — "
'Twas a woman sung them now,
Pleadingly and prayerfully;
Every word her heart did know.
Rose the song as Btorm-tossed bird
Beats with weary wing the air,
Every note with sorrow stirred,
Every syllable h prayer—
" Roc* of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me bide my elfin Thee."
" Rock of Ages, cleft for mo—"
Dips grown aged sung the hymn
Trn tlngly and tenderly,
Voice grown weak and <■%■<■■ grown dhn-
"Let me hide myself in Thee."
Trembling through the voice, and low,
ANONYMOUS.
94 FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES.
ltose the sweet strain peacefully
As a river in its flow ;
Sung as only they can sing,
"Who life's thorny paths have pressed;
Sung as only they can siug
"Who behold the promised rest.
" Rock of Ages, cleft for me,"
Sung above a coffin-lid;
Underneath, all restfully,
All life's cares and sorrows hid.
Never more, storm- tossed soul,
Never more from wind or tide,
Never more from billows' roll
"Wilt thou need thyself to hide.
Could the sightless, sunken eyes,
Closed beneath the soft gray hair,
Could the mute and stiffened lips,
Move again in pleading prayer,
Still, aye still the words would be,
"Let me hide myself in Thee."
FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES.
ANONYMOUS.
Kitchen maids are so often bothered in their household
duties by the gallantries of the men servants, that my wife
had selected one from tbe Congo race of negroes, ugly to
look at, but good-tempered, and black as your hat. Pbillis
was her name, and a more faithful, devoted, and patient
creature we never had around us. I have thus introduced
her to my hearers, because she was a conspicuous personage
in some of the droll incidents connected with my taking
into service a queer specimen of a Patlander, by name
Peter Mulrooney.
Mulrooney applied to me for a situation as groom, in the
place of one I had just dismissed ; and on my inquiring if
he could give me a reference as to bis character and quali-
FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. 95
fications, he mentioned the name of Mr. David Urban (a
personal friend of mine), with whom he had lived. " An'
sure," said he with enthusiasm, " there isn't a dacenter
jfntleman in all Arneriky."
u I am happy to hear him so well spoken of," said I,
" but if you were so much attached to him, why did you
quit his service f"
" Sorra one o' me knows," said he, a little evasively, as I
thought. "Ayeh! but 'twasn't his fault, anyhow."
" I dare say not; but what did you do after you left Mr.
Urban ?"
" Och, bad luck to me, sir ! 'twas the foolishest thing in
the world. I married a widdy, sir."
"And became a householder, eh ?"
" Augh !" he exclaimed, with an expression of intense
disgust, " the housj) wouldn't hould me long; 'twas too hot
for that, I does be thinkiu'."
•• Humph ! You found the widow too fond of having her
own way, I suppose f *
" Thrue for you, sir ; an' a mighty crooked way it was,
that same, an' that's no lie."
" She managed to keep you straight, I dare say."
"Straight! Och, by the povvhers, Misther Stanley, yo
may say that ! If I'd swallowed a soger's ramrod, 'tisn't
Btraighter I'd have been!"
'• \ml the result was, that, not approving the widow's
•ipline, you ran away and left her?"
" Sore sir, 'twas asierdone nor that. Ber first husband,
betther luck to him, saved me the throuhle."
'• Her first husband .' bad Bhe another husband living?"
"Ob Irj one Mike Connolly, a sayfarin' man who
reported dead; but became back one day, an' I rc-
Bthored him his wife and childher. Oh, but 'twas a proud
man I was to !><• able to comfort poor Mjke by t^ivin' him
Jiis lost wife— an' he so grateful, too ! Ah, sir, ho had a
ra'al Erii b heart."
96 FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES.
Being favorably impressed with Peter's genuine good
humor, I concluded to take him at once into my service.
Nor was I mistaken in his character, for he took excellent
care of my horses, and kept everything snug around the
stables. One day I thought I would test his usefulness
in doctoring, so I sent for him to the house.
"Peter," said I, " do you think I could trust you to give
the black filly a warm mash this evening ?"
As he stared at me for a minute or two without reply-
ing, I repeated the question.
"Is it a mash, sir V said he. " Sure, an' I'd like to be
plasin' yer honor any way, an' that's no lie."
As he spoke, however, I fancied I saw a strange sort of
puzzled expression flit across his face.
" I beg pardin, sir," continued he, " but 'tis bothered I
am ; will I be afther giviu' her an ould counthry mash, or
an Ameriky mash ?"
" I don't know if there is any difference between them,"
I answered, rather puzzled at what he was aiming, but
I found afterwards that he didn't know what a mash was.
" Arrah, 'tis rasonable enough ye shouldn't," said Peter,
"considerin' that yer honor niver set fut in ould Ireland."
" Look here, Mulrooney," said I, impatiently, " I want
you to put about two double handfuls of bran into a pail
of warm water, and, after stirring the mixture well, give
it to the black filly. That is what we call a bran mash in
this country. Now, do you perfectly understand me ?"
" Good luck to yer honor !" replied Peter, looking much
relieved; for he had got the information he was fishing
for. "Good luck to yer honor! what 'ud I be good for^
if I didn't ? sure, 'tis the ould counthry mash afther all."
" Perhaps so ; but be sure you make no mistake."
"Oh, niver fear, sir, I'll do it illegant; but about the
warm wather?"
" There's plenty to be had in the kitchen."
" An' the naygur? Will I say till her it's yer honor's
orthers V inquired Peter, earnestly.
FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. 1)7
" Certainly ; she'll make no difficulty."
" Oh, begorra! 'tisn't a traneen I care for that; but will
I give her the full ov the bucket, sir f '
" 'Twill do her no harm," said I, carelessly. With that
Peter made his best bow and left my presence.
It might have been some fifteen minutes after this that
my wife, who was a little unwell that day, came into tho
sitting-room, saying, " I wish you'd go into the kitchen,
George, and see what's the difficulty between that Irish-
man and Phillis ; I am afraid they are quarreling." '
At that moment we heard a crash and a suppressed
shriek. I hurried from the room, and soon heard, as I
passed through the hall, an increasing clamor in the
kitchen beyond. First came the shrill voice of Phillis.
"You jess lebe me 'lone, now, will yer 1 I won't hab
nuffin to do wid de stuff, nairaway."
" You ugly an' conthrary ould naygcr, don't I tell ye
'tis the masther's ordhers f" I heard Peter respond.
" Taint no sech ting. Go way, you poor white Irish
trash ! who ebber beard ob 'spectable color'd woman a
takin' a bran mash, I'd like to know."
The reality of Peter's ridiculous blunder flashed upon
me at once, and the fun of the thing struck me so irre-
sistibly, that I hesitated for a moment to break in upon it.
" Arrah, he aisy, can't yel an' be afther takin' it down
like a daccnt naygur," I heard Peter say.
"Go way. you feller," screamed Phillis, "or I'll call
missis, flat I will."
"OHi.be thisan'be that!" says Peter, resolutely, "if
'tis about to frighten the beautiful mistbress ye are, and
she sick, too, at this same time, I'll bo afther puttin' a
Bhtop tO thai."
immediately afterwards came a short scuffle, and then a
stifled scream. Concluding that it was now time for me to
Interfere, T moved quickly on, and just as the, scuffling
gave way to smothered sobs and broken ejaculations, I
98 THE HORNET.
flung open the door and looked in. The first thing that
caught my eye was Phillis seated in a chair, sputtering
aud gasping ; while Mulrooney, holding her head under
his left arm, was employing bis right hand in conveying
a tin cup of bran mash from the bucket at his side to her
upturned mouth.
"What in the name of all that is good are you doing
now, Peter ?" said I.
"Sure, sir, what wud I do but give black Pbillis the
warm mash, accordin' to yer honor's ordbers ? Augh ! tbe
haytbeu. Bad cess to her ! 'tis tbrouble enough I've had
to make her rasouable and obadient, an' that's no lie — tbe
stupid ould tbafe of a naygur."
The reader may imagine the finale to so rich a scene ;
even my wife, sick as she was, caught the infection, and
laughed beartily. As for Peter, tbe last I heard of him
that evening was bis muttering, as be walked away —
"Ayeh! why didn't he tell me? If they call naygurs
fillies, and horses fillies, sure an' how the divil sbould I
know tbe differ ?"
Peter remained in my service five years, during which
period he treated Pbillis with great deference.
THE HORNET.
JOSH BILLINGS.
Tbe hornet is an inflammibel buzzer, sudden in hiz
impreshuns and basty in biz conclusion, or end.
Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pep-
per in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, " git out
ov mi way."
Tbey have a long, black boddy, divided in tbe middle
by a waist spot, but tbeir phisikal importance lays at tbe
terminous of tbeir subberb, in tbe sbape ov a javelin.
This javelin iz alwuz loaded, and stands reddy to unload
at a minnit's warning, and enters a man az still az thought,
THE HOKXET. 99
az spry az litening, and az full ov melaukolly az the tooth-
ache.
Hornets never argy a case ; they settle awl ov their dif-
ferences ov opinyon by letting their javelin fly, and are az
certain to hit az a mule iz.
This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering
about 100 souls, but whether they iz mail or female, or
conservative, or matched in bonds of wedlock, or whether
they iz Mormons, and a good many ov them kling together
and keep one husband to save expense, I don't kno nor
don't kare.
I never have examined their habits much, I never kon-
sideredit healthy.
Hornets build their nests wherever they take a noshun
to, and seldom arc disturbed, for what would it profit a
man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the 100th one hit him
with biz javelin ?
They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to
them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admis-
sion into the family circul, and the nest iz the shape ov an
overgrown pineapple, and iz cut up into just as many bed-
rooms as there iz hornets.
It iz very simple to make a hornet's nest — if you kan—
but i will wager enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one
that he could sell to a hornet for half price.
They hav found out, by tricing it, that all they can git
in this world, and brag on, is their Tittles and clothes, and
yu never see one standing on the corner ov a street, with a
twenty-sis inch face on, bekanse sum bank had rnnoph
and took their money with them.
I suppose this uneasy world would grind around on its
tree onst in 'Ji hours, even ef thare want enny hor-
, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but I can't
think just now what it iz.
Thare hainl been a bng made yet in vain, nor one that
Wants a good Job ; there is ever lot.; of human men loafing
100 THE GLOVE AND THE LIONS.
around black-smith's shops, and cider-mills, and gin-mills,
all over the country, that don't seem to be nessesary for
anything but to beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal
water melons, but you let the cholera break out once, and
then you will see the wisdom of having jist sich men lay-
ing around ; they help count. / ..<£&A/
The hornet iz an unsoshall )nmf>, he iz a thorough-bred
bug, but his breeding and refinement has made him like
sum other folks I know ov, dissatisfied with himself and
every boddy else ; too much good breeding ackts this way
sometimes.
Hornets are long-lived — I kant state jist how long their
lives are, but I know from instinkt and observashen that
enny krittur, be he bug or be he devil, who iz mad all the
time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally
outlives all his nabers.
The only good way tew git at the exact fiteing weight of
the hornet is tew tutch him up; jist let him hit you once
with his javelin, and you will be willin to testify in court
that somebody run a one-tined pitchfork into yer ; and as
for grit, i will state, for the informashuu of thoze who
haven't had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdom az
freely az I hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will
brake up a large camp-meetin.
THE GLOVE AND THE LIONS.
READ BY J. M. BELLEW. ieigh bunt.
King Francis was a hearty king, and loved a royal sport,
And one day, as his lions strove, sat looking on the court;
The nobles fill'd the benches round, the ladies by their side,
And 'mongst them Count de Lorge, with one he hoped to make
his bride :
And truly 'twas a gallant thing to see that crowning show,
Valor and love, and a king above, and the royal beasts below.
"I VAST TO FLY." 101
Ramped and roared the lions, with horrid laughing jaws;
The}- bit, they glared, gave blows like beams, a wind went with
their paws ;
With wallowing might and stifled roar they rolled one on another,
Till all the pit, with sand and maue, was in a thund'rous smother;
The bloody foam above the bars came whizzing through the air ;
Said Francis then, "Good gentlemen, we're better here than
there !"
De Lorge's love o'erheard the king — a beauteous, lively dame,
With smiling lips, and sharp bright eyes, which always seem'd
the same :
She thought, " The Count, my lover, is as brave as brave can be;
lie surely would do desperate things to show his love of me !
King, ladies, lovers, all look on; the chance is wondrous fine;
I'll drop my glove to prove his Iovq ; great glory will be mine !"
She dropp'd her glove to prove his love : then looked on him and
smiled ;
lie bowed, and in a moment leaped among the lions wild !
The leap was quick ; return was quick ; he soon regained his
place ;
Then threw the glove, but not with love, right in the lady's face !
'• Well done !" cried Francis, "bravely done!" and he rose from
where In- Bat :
" No love," quoth he, " but vanity, sets love a task like that !"
I VANT TO FLY.
NON'VMoIT*
Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon
there were a number of French officers in an inland town
on their parole of honor. Now, one gentleman being tired
with the usual routine of eating, drinking, gambling, smok-
ing, &c, therefore, in order to amuse himself otherwise,
olved to go a-flshing. Bis host supplied him with rod
and line, hut being in want of artificial Hies, went in Search
of a fishing tackle maker'a shop. Bavingfound one, kept by
a plain pain taking John Bull, our Frenchman entered,
102 " I VAUT TO FLY."
and, with a Low, a cringe, and a shrug of the shoulders,
thus began :—
" Ah, Monsieur Anglaise, comment vous portez-vous !"
"Eh, that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper; "not
that I understand it, but I'm very well, if that's what you
mean."
"Bon, bon, ver good; den, saire, I sail tell you, I vaut
deux fly."
" I dare say you do, Mounseer," replied the Englishman,
" and so do a great many more of your outlandish gentry;
but I'm a true-born Briton, and can never consent to as-
sist the enemies of my country to leave it — particularly
when they cost us so much to bring them here."
"Ah, Monsieur, you no comprehend; I shall repeate, I
vant deux fly, on the top of de vater."
" Oh ! what, you want to fly by water, do you ! then I'm
sure I can't assist you, for we are at least a hundred miles
from the sea-coast, and our canal is not navigable above
ten or twelve miles from here."
" Diable ! sare, you are un stup of the block. I sail tell
you once seven times over again — I vant deux fly on the
top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of de long
pole."
"Ay, ay ! you only fly, Mounseer, by land or water, and
if they catch you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle
you, as you call it, at the end of along pole."
" Sacre un de dieu ! la bias ! vat you mean by dat, enfer
diable 1 you are un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull.
Ba, ba, you are effrontee, and I disgrace me to parley vid
you. I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux fly ou the top of de
vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long pole, to la
trap poisson."
" What's that you say, you French Mounseer — you'll lay
a trap to poison me and all my family because I won't as-
sist you to escape ? why, the like was never heard. Here,
Betty, go for the constable."
"I VAXT TO FLY." 103
The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as ig-
norant as the shopkeeper, and of course it was not expected
that a constable should be a scholar. Thus the man of
office began : —
" What's all this ? Betty has been telling me that tbis
here outlandish Frenchman is going to poison you and all
your family ? Ay, ay, I should like to catch him at it,
that's all. Come, come to prison, you delinquent."
" No, sare, I sail not go to de prison ; take me before de
what you call it : — de ting that nibble de grass V
"Nibble grass ? You mean sheep V
"No, I mean de — de — "
" Oh, you mean the cow."
'• No, sare, not the cow; you stup Johnny bceuf — I mean
de cbeval, vat you ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up.
Ab, ha."
" Oh, now I know, you mean a horse."
" Xo, sare, I mean dc horse's vife."
"What, the mare?"
" Oui, bon, yes, sare, take me to de mayor."
This request was complied with, and the French officer
soon stood before the English magistrate, who, by chance,
happened to be better informed than his neighbors, and
thus explained the dilemma of the unfortunate Frenchman,
to the satisfaction of all parties —
" You hare mistaken the intention of this honest gentle-
man ; ho did not want to fly the country, but to go a-fish-
Ing, and for that purpose went to your shop to purchase
two flies, by way of bait, or, as he expressed it, to la trap
la poisson. Poissbn, in French, is fish."
•■ Why, aye," replied the shopkeeper, " that may be true;
you are a scholard, ami so you know better than I. Poi-
. In French, may be very good fish, but give mo good
old English roast beef."
104 THAT DOG OF JIM SMILET'S.
THAT DOG OF JIM SMILEY'S.
MARK TWAI.V.
Did I ever tell you about Smiley's dog ? Well, he had
a little small bull pup, that to look at him you'd think he
wan't worth a cent, but to set around and look ornery, and
lay for a chance to steal something. But as soon as money
was up on him, he was a different dog; his under jaw'd
begin to stick out like the fo'castle of a steamboat, and
his teeth would uncover and shine savage like the furnaces.
And a clog might tackle him, and bully-rag him, and bite
him, and throw him over his shoulder, two or three times,
and Andrew Jackson— which was the name of the pup —
Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he was sat-
isfied, and hadn't expected nothing else — and the bets
being doubled and doubled on the other side all the time,
till the money was all up ; and then all of a sudden he
would grab that other dog jest by the j'int of his hind leg
and freeze to it — not chaw, you understand, but only jest
grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was
a year. Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till
he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no hind legs,
because they'd been sawed off by a circular saw, and when
the thing had gone along far enough, and the money was
all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he
saw in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the
other dog had him in the door, so to speak, and he 'peared
surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged like, and
didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked
out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his
heart was broke, and it was Ms fault, for putting up a dog
that hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was
his main dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a
piece and laid down and died. It was a good pup, was
that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a name for
hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him, and ho had
THE STORY OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL. 105
genius — I know it, because he hadn't had no opportunities
to speak of, and it don't stand to reason that a dog could
make such a fight as he could under them circumstances,
if be hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel sorry
when I think of that last fight of Andrew Jackson's, and
the way it turned out.
THE STORY OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL.
liEAD BY J. M. BELLEW. Adelaide pboctee.
The fettered spirits linger
In purgatorial pain,
AVith penal fires effacing
Their last faint earthly stain,
"Which Life's imperfect sorrow
Had tried to cleanse in vain.
Yet, on each feast of Mary.
Their sorrow finds release,
For the Great Archangel Michael
Comes down and bids it cease ;
And the name of these brief respites
Is called " Our Lady's Peace."'
Yet once — so runs the legend —
When tlu; Archangel came,
And all these holy spirits
Rejoiced at Mary's name,
One voice alone was wailing,
Still wailing on the same.
And though a great Te Di-um
The happy echoes woke,
This one dii cordant wailing
Through the Bweet voices broke :
So when St. Michael que tioned,
Tims the poor spirit spoke :
"I am not cold or thankless,
Although I still complain ;
100 THE STORY OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL.
I prize our Lady's blessing,
Although it comes in vain
To still my bitter anguish,
Or quench my ceaseless pain.
" On earth a heart that loved me
Still lives and mourns me there,
And the shadow of his anguish
Is more than I can bear ;
All the torment that I suffer
Is the thought of his despair.
"The. evening of my bridal,
Death took my life away ;
!Not all love's passionate pleading
Could gain an hour's delay,
And he I left has suffered
A whole year since that day.
" If I could only see him —
If I could only go
And speak one word of comfort
And solace — then I know
He would endure with patience,
And strive against his woe."
Thus the Archangel answered:
"Tour time of pain is brief,
And soon the peace of Heaven
"Will give you full relief;
Yet if his earthly comfort
So much outweighs your grief,
"Then, through a special mercy
I offer you this grace —
Ton may seek him who mourns you,
And look upon his face,
And speak to him of comfort
For one short minutes' space.
"But when that time is ended,
Return here, and remain
THE STOUT OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL. 107
■
A thousand years in torment,
A thousand years in pain ;
Thus dearly must you purchase
The comfort he will gain."
The lime-trees' shade at evening
Is spreading hroad and wide ;
Beneath their fragrant arches,
Pace slowly, side by side,
In low and tender converse,
A Bridegroom and his Bride.
The night is calm and stilly,
No other sound is there
Except their happy voices ;
"What is that cold bleak air
That passes through the lime-trees,
And stirs the Bridegroom's hair?
"Wlille one low cry of anguish,
Like the last dying wail
•Of some dumb, hunted creature,
Is borne upon the gale —
"Why does the Bridegroom shudder
And turn so deathly pale ?
Near Purgatory's entrance
The radiant Angels wait ;
It was the great St. Michael
W'Ihi closed that gloomy gate,
When the poor wandering spirit
Came back to tneel bier fate.
'Pass on," tlni poke the Angel ;
" Heaven's joy La deep and vi
Pa on, p 1 on, poor spirit,
For Heaven is yours at last ;
In that one minnte'a anguish
Your thon sand years nave pa led."
108 "my new pitta yatees."'
"MY NEW PITTAYATEES."
ANONYMOUS.
Enter Katty, with a gray cloak, a dirty cap, and a Made eye ; a
sieve of potatoes on her head, and a " trifle o' sper'ti?' in it.
Katty meanders down Patrick Street.
Katty. — "My new pittayatees ! My-a-new pittayatees !
3Iy new — "
{Meeting a friend.^
Sally, darlin', is that you ?
Sally. — Tkroth. it's myself; and what's the rnatther
wid you, Katty ?
Kat. — 'Deed my heart's bruk, cryin' — "New pittaya-
tees !" — cryin' afther that vagabone.
Sal.— Is it Mike ?
Kat. — Throth, it's himself indeed.
Sal. — And what is it he done ?
Kat — Och ! he ruined me with his — " Neiv pittayatees !"
— with his goin's-an. Yis, my darlint ; he kem home th'
other night, hlazin' blind dhrunk, cryin' out— " New pit-
tay-a-tees /" — roarin' and bawlin'. that you'd think he'd
rise the roof aff o' the house.
"Bad luck attend you ; bad cess to you, you pot-wal-
lopin' varmint," says he (maynin' me, if you plaze), " wait
till I ketch you, you sthrap, and it's I'll give you your fill
iv" — "New pittayatees !" — "your fill iv a licking, if ever
you got it," says he.
So, with that, I knew the villian was mulvatherecl*
Musha! wait till you hear the ind o' my— "New pit-
tayatees /" — o' my throubles, and it's then you'll open your
eyes — " My new pittayatees !"
Well, as he was comin' up-stairs (knowin' how it ud be,)
I thouglit it best to take care o' my — " My new pittayatees /"
—to take care o' myself; so with that I put the bowlt an the
door, betune me and danger, and kep' listniu' at the key-
hole ; and sure enough, what should I hear but — "Neiu
* Intoxicatrrf.
" MY XEW riTTATATEES." 109
pittayatees .'" — but the vagabone gropin' his way round the
cruked turn in the stair, aud tuniblin' aftber into tbe bole
in tbe flure an tbe landin', and whin be come to bimself be
gev a tbuuderin' thump at tbe door. "Who's tbere ?"
says I; says he — " New pittayatees /" — "Let me in," says
be, "you vagabone," (swarein' by what I wouldn't min-
tiou), " or by this and that, I'll massacray you," says he,
"within an inch o'" — "New pittayatees /" — "within an } ,
inch o' your life," says he. " ilikee, darlint," says I, sootk-
erin him — "New pittayatees! 1 ' — with a tindher word, so
says T, "Mikee, you villain, you're disguised," says I,
" you're disguised, dear."
" You lie," says he, "you impident stbrap, I'm not dis-
guised.' - says lie, " I'll make you know the differ," says he.
Oh! I thought the life id lave me when I heered him
say the word : and with that I put my hand an — " My new
pittayatees!" -an the latch o' the door, to purvint it from
slippin ; and he ups and he gives a wicked kick at the
door, and says he, " If you don't let me in this minit," says
he, "I'll be the death o' your" — " Neic pittayatees /" —
" o' yourself and your dirty breed," says he. Think o'
that, Sadie, dear, to abuse my relations!
Dirty breed, indeed! By my sowkins, they're as good
as his any day in the year, and was never behoulden to —
" New pittayatees .'"' -to ^ r o a beggiu' to the mendicity for
their dirty —"New pittayatees /" — their dirty washin's o'
pots, and sarvints' lavins, and dog's hones.
Well, at the word, "dirty breed," 1 knew full well the
had dhrop v.';i • up in liiui and, faith, it's soon and suddint
be made me sensible av it, for tbe first word he said was —
"New pittayatees J" the firel word be said was to put bis
shoulder to the door, and in he bursted the door,fallin'
down in the middle o" the flare, cryin' out •• New pittay-
l!" -cry in' out. " Bad luck attind you," says be, "bow
dar' you refuse to lit me into my own house, you stb'rap,
agin tbe law o' the land."' says he, scrarablin' up ou hie
110 ''MY NEW riTTATATEES."
pins agin, as well as he could ; and, as he was risin', says
I — " New pittayatees !" — says I to him, (screechin' out
loud, that, the neighbors in the flure below might hear me,
" Mikee, my darliut," says I.
'.' Keep the pace, you vagabone," says he ; and with that,
he hits me a lick av a, — " New pittwjatees /"-^-a lick av a
stick he had in his hand, and down I fell (and small blame
to me), down I fell on the flure, cryin' — u Neiu pittayatees P'
— cryin out, " Murther ! inurther !"
As I was risin, my jew'l, he was going to sthrek me agin ;
and with that I cried — " New pittayatees .'" — I cried out,
" Fair play, Mikee," says I, " don't sthrek a man down j"
but he wouldn't listen to rayson, and was goin 7 to hit me
agin, when I put up the child that was in my arms betuno
me and harm. " Look at your babby, Mikee," says I.
" Oh," says I, " Mikee, darlint, don't sthrek the babby;"
but, my dear, before the word was out o' my mouth, he
sthruk the babby. (I thought the life id lave me.) And,
ivcoorse, the poor babby, that never spuk a word, began
to. cry — " Neio pittayatees .'"—began to cry, and roar, and
bawl, and no wondher.
And, my jew'l, the neighbors in the flure below, hearin'
the scrimmage, kem runnin' up the stairs, cryin' out — " New
pittayatees ."'—cryin' out, " Watch, watch ! Mikee M'Evoy,"
says they, a would you murther your wife, you villain ?"
"What's that to you?" says he; " isn't she my own ?"
says he, " and if I plaze to make her feel the weight o' my"
— " New pittayatees /"— " the weight o' my fist, what's that
to you V says he ; " it's none o' your business, anyhow, so
keep your tongue in your jaw, and 'twill be betther for
your"— " New pittayatees /"— " 'twill be betther for your
health, I'm thinkin', " says he; and with that he looked
cruked at thim, and squared up to one o' thim (a poor de-
finceless craythur, a tailor). But the tailor's wife (and, by
my sow], it's she that's the sthjapper), says she, "Let
me at him," says she ; " it's I that used to give a man
MARY AXX'.S WEDDING. Ill
a lickin' every day in the week ; and she wint bally-
raggin him ; and, by gor, they all tuk patthern afther her,
and abused him, my dear, to that degree, that I vow the
very dogs in the sthreet wouldn't lick his blood. And with
that, one and all, they begun to cry — " New pittayatees !"
—and they just tuk him up by the scruff o' the neck, and
threw him down the stairs ; every step he'd take, you'd
think he'd brake his neck, thank goodness, and so I got
rid o' the ruffiu ; and then they left me cryin'— " New pit-
tayatees!"— cryin' afther the vagabone— though the angels
knows well he wasn't deservin' o' one precious drop that
fell from my two good-lookin eyes; aud, oh ! but the con-
dition he left me in. And a purty sight it id be, if you
could see how I was lyin' in the middle o' the flure, cryin'
—"New pittayatees /"-—cryin' and roarin', and the poor
child, with his eye knocked out, in the corner cryin' —
" New pittayatees ! v — and, indeed, everyone in the place
was cryin'—" New pittayatees /"—and divil a thing had I
to pat inside my face, nor a dhrop to dhrink, barriu a few
-" New pittayatees /"—a few grains o' tay, and the ind iv a
quarther o' sugar, and my eyes as big as your fist, and as
black as the pot (savin' your presence). But I'll not brake
your heart any more, Sally, dear— '* New pittayatees!"—
Good-bye, Sally, darlint, good-bye— " New pittay-a-tees !"
MAItY AX.VS WEDDING.
Art BELATED liv mks. jum Amnmoi
'• We were all preparing," said Mrs. Jones, "to go to the
deling. I was going, Father was going, the gala were
going, and we wen' going to take the baby; hut come to
dress the baby, could nol find the baby's shirt. I'd laid a
clean one out of one of the drawers on purpose. I know'd
where l bad pul it ; but come to Lools for it 'twas
112 MART AMf'S WEDDING.
" 'For mercy's sake,' says I, ' gals,' says I, 'has any on
ye seen that baby's shirt V
"Of coarse none of era had seen it; and I looked, and
looked, and looked again, but 'twant nowhere to be found.
'It's the strangest thing in all nature,' says I, ' here I had
the shirt in my hand not mor'n ten minutes ago, and now
it's gone, and nobody can tell where. I never seed the
beat. 'Gals,' said I, 'do look around, can't ye?' But
fretting wouldn't find it ; so I gave it up, and I went to
the bureau, aud fished up another shirt, and put it onto
the baby, aud at last we were ready for a start.
" Father harnessed up a double team — we drove the old
white mare then, and the gals and all was having a good
time, going to see Mary Ann married, but somehow I
couldn't git over that shirt! 'Twant the shirt so much;
but to have anything spirited away from under my face and
eyes so, 'twas provokin' !
' What ye thinking about, mother V says Sophrony ;
' What makes you look so sober V says she.
'I'm pestered to death, thinking about that ere shirt.
One of you must have took it, I am sartin,' says I.
' Now, ma,' says Sophrony, ' you needn't say that,' —
and as I'd laid onto her a good many times, she was be-
ginning to get vexed , and so we had it back and forth,
and all about that baby's shirt, till we got to the wedding.
" Seeing company kinder putit out of mind, and I was
getting good-natured again, though I could not help say-
ing to myself every few minutes, ' What could have be-
come of that shirt?' till at last they stood up to be mar-
ried, and I forgot all about it.
" Mary Ann was a real modest creature, and was mor'n
half frightened to death when she came into the room
with Stephen, and the minister told them to jine hands.
She first gave her left hand to Stephen. 'Your other
hand,' says the minister; and poor Steve, he was so bashful,
too, he didn't know what he was about; he thought 'twas
MAKT AUN'S WEDDING. J 13
his mistake, and that the miuister meant him, so he gave
Mary Ann bis left Hand. That wouldn't do, any way, a left-
handed marriage all around ; but by this time they didn't
know what they were about, and Mary Ann joined her
right hand to his left, then her left with his right, then
both their hands again, until I was all of a fidget, and
tho't they would never get fixed.
"Mary Ann looked as red as a turkey, and to make mat-
ters worse, she began to cough, to turn it off, I suppose,
and called for a glass of water. The minister had just
been drinking, aud the tumbler stood right there, and I
was so nervous, and in such a hurry to see it all over with,
I ketched up the tumbler and run with it to her, for I
thought to goodness she was going to faint. She under-
. to drink — I don't know how it happened, but the
tumbler Slipped, and gracious me, if between us we didn't
spid the water all over the collar and dress.
" I was dreadfully Clustered, for I thought it looked as
though it was my fault, and the first thing I did was to
out with my handkerchief, and give it to Mary Ann; it
was nicely done up, and she took it. The folks had held
in pretty well up to this time, but then such a giggle and
laugh as there was— I didn't know what had given them
such a start, till I looked and seen that Td given Mary
Ann Unit baby's shirt .'"
Here Mrs. .Jones, who is a very fleshy woman, undulated
and shook like a mighty jelly with her mirth, and it was
e time before she could proceed with her narrative.
"Why," said she, with tears of laughter running down
her cheeks, "I'd tucked it into my dress for a 'kerchief.
Thai same from being absent-minded and in ;i fidget."
"And Alary Ann and Stephen were they married after
all .'■'
•■ Dear me, aid Mr i. Jo and it turned out to
be the gayest wedding thai I ever attended."
"And the baby's shirt, Mrs. Jon<
114 AN INQUIRING YANKEE.
"La me," said Mrs Jones, " how young folks do ask
questions. Everybody agreed I ought to make Mary Ann
a present on't."
"Well, Mrs. Jones?"
" Well," said Mrs. Jones, " twant long 'fore she had a
use for it. And that's the end of the story."
AN INQUIRING YANKEE.
AXO.VTMOUS.
A well-known citizen of Hartford, Ct., a few days ago
had taken his seat in an afternoon train for Providence,
when a small, weazen-faced, elderly man, having the ap-
pearance of a well-to-do farmer, came into the car, looking
for a seat. The gentleman good-naturedly made room for
him by his side, and the old man looked him over from
head to foot.
" Going to Providence ?" he said at length.
" No, sir," the stranger answered, politely, " I stop at
Andover."
" I want to know ! I belong out that way myself. Ex-
pect to stop long ?"
u Only over night, sir."
A short pause.
" Did you cal'late to put up at tbe tavern ?"
"No, sir; I expect to stop at a private house."
"Private house, eh ? Mebbe at old Jones's?"
" I am not acquainted with him. If you must know, I
am going to Mr. Skinner's."
"What, Job Skinner? Deacon Job lives in a little
brown house on the pike ? Or mebbe it's his brother's ?
Was it Tim Skinner, Squire Tim's, Where you was going?"
"Yes," said the gentleman, smiling; "it was Squire
Tim's."
"Dew tell if you are goin' there to stop over night.
Any connection of his'n ?"
A2J IXQUIRIXG YANKEE. 115
"No, sir."
" Well, now that's curus ! The old man ain't got into
any trouble nor nothing, has he V lowering his voice ; " ain't
goin' to serve a writ on him, be you ?"
"Oh, no; nothing of the kind."
" Glad ou't. No harm in askin', I s'pose. I reckon Miss
Skinner's some connection of yourn t"
" No," said the gentleman. Then seeing the amused
expression on the faces of two or three acquaintances in
the neighboring seats, he added, in a confidential tone :
" I am going to see Squire Skinner's daughter."
"Law sakes !" said the old man, his face quivering with
curiosity. That's it, is it ? I want to know? Going to
see Mirandy Skinner, be ye f Well, Mirandy's a nice gal
— kind o' humly and long-favored, but smart tew work,
they say ; and I guess you're about the right age for her,
too. Ken' company together long. - '
u Never saw her in my life, sir."
" How you talk ! Somebody's gin her a recommend, I
s'pose, and you're goin' clear out there to take a squint at
her! Wa'al, I must say there's as likely gals in Andover
as Mirandy Skinner. I've got a family of growed-up dar-
ters myself. Never was married afore, was ye? Don't
po •, eed on your hat."
"I have been married about fifteen years, sir. I have a
wife and five children." And then, as the long-restrained
mirth <>f the listeners to this dialogue burst forth at the
old man's open-mouthed astonishment, he hastened to ex-
plain : •• I am a doctor, my good friend, and Squire Skin-
ner called at my office this morning to request my pro-
ional service for bis sick daughter. As l am not able
to return this evening, you see I am obliged to accept Mr.
Skinnei litality for the night."
"Wa'al nowl" And the old bore waddled off Into the
L car.
116 THE THEEE BELLS.
THE THREE BELLS.
Beneath the low-hung night cloud
That raked her splintering mast,
The good ship settled slowly,
The cruel leak gained fast.
Over the awful ocean
Her signal guns pealed out.
Dear God ! was that thy answer
From the horror round about ?
A voice came down the wild wind,
"Ho ! ship ahoy !" its cry;
"Our stout Three Bells of Glasgow
Shall lay till daylight by !"
Hour after hour crept slowly,
Yet on the heaving swells
Tossed up and down the ship-lights,
The lights of the Three Bells !
And ship to ship made signals,
Man answered back to man,
."While oft, to cheer and hearten,
The Three Bells nearer ran;
And the captain from the taffrail
Sent down his hopeful cry,
"Take heart! Hold on!" he shouted,
" The Three Bells shall lay by I"
All night across the waters
The tossing lights shone clear;
All night from reeling taffrail
The Three Bells sent her cheer.
And when the dreary watches
Of storm and darkness passed,
Just as the wreck lurched under,
All souls were saved at last.
J. G. WHITTIEB.
LOVE J3T A BALLOON. 117
Sail on, Three Bells, forever,
In grateful memory sail !
King on, Three Bells of rescue,
Above the wave and gale !
Type of the Love eternal,
Repeat the Master's cry,
As tossing through our darkness
The lights of God draw nigh !
LOVE IN A BALLOON.
HEAD BT J. M. BEIXEW. litchfield mobklet.
Homo time ago I was staying with Sir George Flasher,
with a great number of people there — all kinds of amuse-
ments going on. Driving, riding, fishing, shooting, every-
thing, in fact. Sir George's daughter, Funny, was often
my companion in these expeditions, and I was considerably
struck wiili her, for she was a girl to whom the epithet
"stunning" applies better than any other that I am ac-
quainted with. She could ride like Nimrod, she could drive
like Jehu, sin- could row like Charon, she could dance like
Terpsichore, she could row like Diana, she walked like
Juno, and -lie looked like Venus. I've even seen her smoke.
Oh, She was a •tunnel-! you should have heard that girl
whistle, and laugh — you should have heard her laugh. SllO
was truly a delightful companion. We rode together,
dro\e together, fished together, walked together, danced
together, sang together ; 1 called her Fanny, and she called
me Tom. All this could have, but one termination, you
know. I fell in love with her and determined to take tho
first opportunity of proposing. So one day when we were out
together, fishing on the lake, I went down on my knees
amongst the gudgeons, seized her hand, pressed it to my
wal and La burning accent entreated her to become
my wife.
118 LOVE IN A BALLOON.
" Don't be a fool," she said. " Now drop it, do, and put
me a fresh worm on."
"Ob, Fanny!" I exclaimed; "don't talk about worms
when marriage is in question. Only say — "
" I tell you what it is, now," she replied, angrily, "if you
don't drop it I'll pitch you out of the boat."
Gentlemen, I did not drop it, and I give you my word of
honor, with a sudden shove she sent me flying into the
water ; then seizing the sculls, with a stroke or two she jmt
several yards between us, and burst into a fit of laughter
that fortunately prevented her from going any further. I
swam up and climbed into the boat. "Jenkins," said I to
myself, " revenge ! revenge !" I disguised my feelings. I
laughed— hideous mockery of mirth — I laughed, pulled to
the bank, went to the house and changed my clothes.
When I appeared at the dinner-table, I perceived that
every one had been informed of my ducking. Universal
laughter greeted me. During dinner Fanny repeatedly
whispered to her neighbor and glanced at me. Smothered
laughter invariably followed. "Jenkins!" said I, "re-
venge !" The opportunity soon offered. There was to
be a balloon ascent from the lawn, and Fanny had tor-
mented her father into letting her ascend with the aero-
naut. I instantly took my plans ; bribed the aeronaut to
plead illness at the moment when the machine should have
risen ; learned from him the management of the balloon,
though I understood that pretty well before, and calmly
awaited the result. The day came. The weather was fine.
The balloon was inflated. Fanny was in the car. Every-
thing was ready, when the aeronaut suddenly fainted. He
was carried into the house, and Sir George accompanied
him. Fanny was in despair.
"Am I to lose my air expedition ?" she exclaimed, look-
ing over the side of the car ; "some one understands the
management of this thing, surely ? Nobody! Tom !" she
called out to me, "you understand it, don't you?"
LOYE IX A BALLOON. 119
" Perfectly," I answered.
" Come along, then," she cried; " be quick, before papa
comes back."
The company in general endeavored to dissuade her from
her project, but of course in vain. After a decent show of
hesitation, I climbed into the car. The balloon was cast
off, and rapidly sailed heavenward. There was scarcely a
breath of wind, and we rose almost straight up. We rose
above the house, and she laughed and said, " How jolly !"
We were higher than the highest trees, and she smiled,
and said it was very kind of me to come with her. We
were so high that the people below looked mere specks,
and she hoped that I thoroughly understood the manage-
ment of the balloon. Now was my time.
" I understand the going up part," 1 answered; " to come
down is not so easy," and I whistled.
•• What do you mean ?" she cried.
" Why, when you want to go up faster, you throw some
sand overboard," I replied, suiting the action to the word.
"Don't be foolish, Tom," she said, trying to appear quite
calm and indifferent, but trembling uncommonly.
" Foolish !" I said; "oh, dear no, but whether I go along
the ground or up in the air I like to go the pace, and so do
you, Fanny, I know. Go it, you cripples !" and over went
another sand-bag.
" Why, you're mad, surely," she whispered, in utter ter-
ror, and tried to reach the bags, hut I kept her back.
"Only with love, my dear," I answered, smiling pleas-
antly; "only with love for you. Oh, Fanny, I adore you!
Say you will be my wife."
"I gave you an answer the other day," she replied;
"one which I should have thought you would have remem-
bered," she added, laughing a little, notwithstanding her
terror.
"I remember it perfectly,-'' I answered, "but I intend to
have a different reply to that. You see those live sand-
120 LOVE IX A BALLOOST.
bags. I shall ask you five times to become my wife. Every
time you refuse I shall throw over a sand-bag — so, lady
fair, as the cabmeu would say, reconsider your decision,
and consent to become Mrs. Jenkins. v
" I won't," she said; " I never will ; and let me tell you
that you are acting in a very ungentlemanly way to press
i me thus."
" You acted in a very ladylike way the other day, did
you not," I rejoined, " when you knocked me out of tbe
boat ?" She laughed again, for she was a plucky girl, and
no mistake — a very plucky girl. " However," I went on,
" it's no good arguing about it — will you promise to give me
your hand ?"
"Never!" she answered ; "I'll go to Ursa Major first,
though I've got a big enough bear here, in all conscience.
Stay ! you'd prefer Aquarius, wouldn't you ?"
She looked so pretty that I was almost inclined to let her
off. (I was only trying to frighten her, of course — I knew
how high we could go safely, well enough, and how valuable
the life of Jenkins was to his country), but resolution is
one of the strong points of my character, and when I've
begun a thing I like to carry it through ; so I threw over
another sand-bag, and whistled the Dead March in Saul.
"Come, Air. Jenkins," she said suddenly, "come, Tom,
let us descend now, and I'll promise to say nothing what-
ever about all this."
I continued the execution of the Dead March.
" But if you do not begin the descent at once I'll tell
papa the moment I set foot on the ground."
I laughed, seized another bag, and, looking steadily at
her, said: " Will you promise to give me your hand i"
" I've answered you already," was the reply.
Over went the sand, and the solemn notes of the Dead
March resounded through the car.
"I thought you were a gentleman," said Fanny, rising
up in a terrible rage from the bottom of the car, where she
LOVE IX A BALLOON. 121
had been sitting, and looking perfectly beautiful in her
wrath. "I thought you were a gentleman, but I find I
was mistaken. Why, a chimney-sweeper would not treat a
lady in such a way. Do you know that you are risking
your own life as well as mine hy your madness?"
I explained that I adored her so much that to die in her
company would be perfect bliss, so that I begged she
would not consider my feelings at all. She dashed her
beautiful hair from her face, and standing perfectly erect,
looking like the Goddess of Anger or Boadicea — if you can
imagine that personage in a balloon— she said, " I com-
mand you to begin the descent this instant !"
The Dead March, whistled in a manner essentially gay
and lively, was the only response. After a few minutes'
silence I took up another bag, and said :
" We are getting rather high ; if you do not decide soon
we shall have Mercury coming to tell us that we are tres-
passing — will you promise me your hand?"
She sat in sulky silence in the bottom of the car. I threw
over the sand. Then she tried another plan. Throwing
herself upon her knees, and bursting into tears, she said :
" Oh, forgive me for what I did the other day. It was
very wrong, and 1 am very sorry. Take me home, and
I will be a sister to you.''
"Not a wife I" said I.
" I can't ! I can't !'' she answered.
<> er went the fourth bag, and [ began to think she would
;, me after all, for I did not like the idea of going
much higher. I would not give in just yet, however. I
whistled for ;i few moments, to give her time for reflection,
and then said: " Fanny, they say that marriages are made
in heaven — if you do not take care, oura will be solemnized
thei-
I took up the fifth bag. " Come," I said, "my wife in
life, or ray companion in death. Which is it to be V and I
petted tho sand-bag in a cheerful manner. She held her
122 LOYE IX A EALLOOX.
face in her bands, but did not answer. I nursed the bag
in my arms, as if it bad been a baby.
" Come, Fanny, give me your promise." I could bear
ber sobs. I'm tbe softest-hearted creature breatbiug, and
would not pain any living thing, and I confess sbe bad
beaten me. I forgave her tbe ducking ; I forgave her for
rejecting me. I was on the point of flinging the bag back
into tbe car, and saying, " Dearest Fanny, forgive me for
frigbtening you. Many whomsoever you wish. Give your
lovely hand to the lowest groom in your stables — endow
with your priceless beauty tbe chief of the Panki-wanki
Indians. "Whatever happens, Jenkins is your slave — your
clog — your footstool. His duty, henceforth, is to go whither-
soever you sball order, to do whatever you shall command."
I was just on tbe point of saying this, I repeat, when Fanny
suddenly looked up, and said, with a queerish expression
upon her face :
" You need not throw that last bag over. I promise to
give you my hand."
" With all your heart !" I asked, quickly.
" "With all my heart," she answered, with tbe same
strange look.
I tossed the bag into tbe bottom of the car, and opened
the valve. Tbe balloon descended. Gentlemen, will you
believe it? — when we bad reached the ground, and the
balloon bad been given over to its recovered master, when
I had helped Fanny tenderly to tbe earth, and turned to-
wards her to receive anew tbe promise of ber affection and
her band— will you believe it?— sbe gave me a box on tbe
ear that upset me against tbe car, and running to ber
father, who at that moment came up, she related to him
and the assembled company what she called my disgrace-
ful conduct in the balloon, and ended by informing me that
all of her band that I was likely to get bad been already
bestowed upon my ear, which she assured me had been
given with all her heart.
MRS. BROWN OX THE STATE OF THE STREETS. 123
" You villain !'' said Sir George, advancing toward me
with a horse-whip in hi* hand. " Tou villain ! I'vo a
good mind to break this over your back."
"Sir George," said I, "villain and Jenkins must never
be coupled in the same senteuce ; aud as for the breaking
of this whip, I'll relieve you of the trouble," and snatching
it from his hand, I broke it in two, and threw tbe peices on
the ground. " And now I shall have the honor of wishing
you a good morning. Miss Flasher, I forgive you ;" and
I retired. Now I ask you whether any specimen of female
treachery equal to that has ever come within your experi-
ence, and whether any excuse can be made for such
conduct ?
MRS. BROWN ON THE STATE OF THE STREETS.
AKTIfl/U SKKTC1ILKT.
Talk about weather ! I never did in all my born days
know nothiu' like it was the week afore last ; you're froze
up <>no moment and all of a glow the next.
Afl to this house we're a-living in, they calls it a simmy
detached, as it's my opinion they was obliged to build it
up again next door or it would never have stood by itself,
as it is not much stronger than a egg-shell, as the savin'
is. The draught under that kitchen-door it was as give it
me, the cold as I've got, for I fell it all the while as I was
a-makin' that weal and ham pie, as is a thing as Brown's
partial to, and I makes it myself with a flaky crust, though
some will have it as a short one is right, which in my
opinion goes be I with fruit. As to puttin' a bit of bad
butter in pie-crust, It's my idea of a sin as is downright
filthy to the taste and unwholesome to a delicate stomach
like Brown's, though yon wouldn't think it to look at him,
but no one knows where the shoe pinches but them as Is
bilious, a the ayin' is.
I certainly did feel a chill, and pr'aps it might havobecn
124 MKS. BBOWN ON THE STATE OF THE STPwEETS.
through them dratted hoys as I give twopence each to fur
to clear away the snow. As a feller conies round with a
paper, as he said was the westry's orders as I should dean
up the front of my house. I says, " Then I'll thank the
westry for to turn out and clean the road for me, as I can't
get across, uot if it was to save my life, through beiu' ankle-
deep, and poor Mrs. Atkius that had as I wanted for to go
to, through me havin' promised, and only the corner of the
street." So he says, "You may he carried across easy on
a harrow," as I see meant jeers.
So I says, "When I wants to he carried I'll get a steady
donkey, and pr'aps you might he handy." " Well," says
he, " I should recommend a dromedary." I wasn't a-going
to waste my time a-talkin' to such as him, all the more as
I felt a-creepin' all down my hack, as is a sure sign of chills
with me, as has throwed me on a sick bed afore now, and
was the death of poor old Mrs. Thornley, as kept the " Blue
Lion " in Horsleydown, and never recovered a-fallin' asleep
one Saturday night whilst a-soakin' her feet, and never
woke up till they was froze hard in the foot-pan, through
the cold beiu' that violent below zero as froze the Thames
up with a ox roasted whole, as I've heard my dear mother
say was shameful waste, through the roughs a-tearin' of it
to bits in their open hands though blue and quivery, as is
not wholesome in my opinion, though it should be done
with the gravy in, as gives proper nutriment.
Well, as I was savin', I give them boys twopence a-piece,
and lent them the fire-shovel for to scrape off them frozen
lumps, as is that dangerous, as well I've known through
a-treadin' on one, as twisted my ankle and down I went,
and shouldn't have minded it so much if it hadn't been for
poor old Mr. Gibbins, next door but two, as had stepped
out for the beer hisself and two new-laid eggs, though I
should say no more new-laid than I am. Well, he had the
beer in one hand and the eggs in the other, with a white
worsted comforter and long ends, as he did ought to have
snoo FLIES. J 25
tucked in somewhere, but left a-kangin'. He was a-walk-
in' along by my side, a remarkin' about the weather and
such like, when I treads on the bit of frozen snow, and nat'-
rally clutches at anythin' for to save myself, and as bad
luck would have it, seized hold of his ends of his comforter,
and give him that drag as his 'eels slipped from under him,
though list around his shoes, as didn't prove no protec-
tion. Up goes his hand with the beer all in my face and!
blinds me, but I heard a crash, and there he was a-welterhF
in his new-laid eggs, and a-sayin' as his back was broke.
So I says, '-Kick, 'cos if you can kick your back's all
right," and kick he did, and he had no occasion for to ketch
me on the shin so violent, me a-stoopin' for to help him up,
a-fcelin' grateful to him for breakin' my fall, as the sayin
is, but he kep' his bed for weeks. But the cold as I caught
was a caution, as you don't ketch me out in the snow agin
if I knows it.
SHOO FLIES.
ANONYMOUS.
Dose efcnin clouds vas sodding fast,
A i a young rnaus droo der tillage past,
Shkatin along del shtonn und bail,
ICitdese voids tied py his coat dail— Shoo Flies.
Oh, dond gone out such anite like dose,
His madder cried, you rill got froze;
Dot Shack Frost he vill nil> your ear,
She oiiey said so mit a shnccr — Shoo Flics.
C pin k, come pack, der olt man .aid,
of you dond look oud yon vill peen dead :
1 le pack, und py der fire aid,
II i, ha ! I dond rid a hit Shoo Flies.
Sohou Henry, der yoUDg .id,
Come here ond cat <ii i biece of bread ;
Hi- yoo l looked down und hole a sigh;
I rae a hunki poy mit a kla i i Shoo Fli<
126 DISCOURSE BY THE REV. MR. BOSAX.
Higher und higher dot young mans vent,
For der shtorms he dond did care a cent ;
He vipped der shnow off his left ear,
Und dese vords vas heard shtill und clear — Shoo Flies.
In aboud a veek, or maype more,
Der peobles heard an awful roar,
Dot sounded loud und far und wide,
Von vay up of der moundain side — Shoo Flies.
Dwo mens vas out a shoodin shnibes,
Und vhile dhey shtobbed to shnioke der bibes,
Und ven dhey habbened to look around,
Dhey saw dot shticken von der ground — Shoo Flies.
DISCOURSE BY THE REV. MR. BOS AN.
KBWAHU EULKSTON.
[I can never picture to you the rich red nose, the see-
sawing gestures, the nasal resonance, the sniffle, the mel-
ancholy minor key, and all that.]
" You see, my respective hearers, my respective hearers —
ah, you see — ah, as how — ah, as my tex' — ah, says that
the ox — ah, knoweth his owner — ah, and — ah the ass — ah,
his master's crib — ah, a-h-h ! Now, my respective hear-
ers — ah, they're a mighty sight of resemblance — ah, atwixt
men — ah, and oxen— ah, bekase — ah, you see, men — ah, is
mighty like oxen — ah. Fer they's a tremeugious defference
— ah, atwixt defferent oxen — ah, jest asthar is atwext deff-
erent men — ah ; fer the ox knoweth — ah, his owner — ah,
and the ass — ah, his master's crib — ah. Now, my re-
spective hearers — ah" — [the preacher's voice here grew
mellow, and the succeeding sentences were in the most pa-
thetic and lugubrious voice] "you all know — ah, that your
humble speaker — ah, has got — ah, jest the best yoke of
steers — ah, in this township — ah. They ain't no sech
steers as them air two of mine — ah, in this whole kedentry
■ — ah. Them crack oxen over at Clifty — ah, ha'ut a patch-
WITHOUT THE CHILDREN. 127
in' to mine — ah. Fer the ox knoweth his owner — ah,
and the ass — ah, his master's crib — ah.
Now, my respective hearers — ab, they's a right smart
sight of defference — ah, atwext them air two oxen — ah, jest
like they is atwext deffereut men— ah. Fer — ah" — [here
the speaker grew earnest, and sawed the air from this to
the close in a most frightful way] — "fer — ah, you see —
ah, when I go out — ah, in the mornin' — ah, to yoke — ah,
up — ah, them air steers — ah, and I says — ah ' Wo, Berry —
ah ! Wo, Berry — ah ! ! Wo, Berry — ah ! ! !' why,
Berry — ah, jest stands stock still — ab, and don't hardly
breathe — ah, while I put on the yoke — ah, and put in tbo
bow — ah, and put in the key — ah, fer, my brethering —
ab, and sistering — ah, the ox knoweth his owner — ah,
and the ass— ah, his master's crib — ah. ilal-le-lu-ger— ah !
But — ah, my hearers — ah, but— ah, when I stand at
t'other eend of the yoke — ah, and say, 'Come, Buck — ah !
Come, Buck— ah! ! Come, Buck— ah ! ! ! COME, BUCK
--All ! ! ! !' why, what do )ou think— ah ? Buck— ah, that
ornery olo Buck, ah, 'slid of comin' right along— ah, and
puttiif bis neck under — ah, acts jest like some men — ah,
what is fools— ah. Buck — ah, jest kinder sorter stands oil"
— ah, and kinder sort puts his down — ah, this ere way — ah,
and kinder looks looks mad— ah, and says, ' Boo-oo-oo-00
—ah."
»«..
WITHOUT THE CHILDREN.
»-.'!« MUl 8.
Ob, (in- weary, solemn silcnco
Of a house without the children;
Oli, tin; strange, oppressive stillne
Wnere the children come no more.
Ah ! the longing ofthe leepless
For the "I't arm oftbe children,
Ah ! the longing for the (ace
Peeping throngb the opening door —
Paces ^'"ii<: for evermore !
J 23
SIGNOB BILLSMETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY.
ing how bo could manage to get introduced into genteel
society for the first time, when his eyes rested on Signor
Billsmethi's announcement, which, it immediately struck
him, was just the very thing he wanted ; for he should not
only he able to select a geuteel circle of acquaintance at
once, out of the five-and-seveuty pupils at four-and-six-
pence a quarter, but should qualify himself at tbe same
time to go through a hornpipe in private society with per-
fect ease to himself, and great delight to his friends. So
he stopped the advertisement — an animated sandwich
composed of a boy between two boards — and having pro-
cured a very small card with tbe Signor's address indented
thereon, walked straight at once to the Signor's house —
and very fast he walked too, for fear tbe list sbould be
filled up, and the hve-and-seventy completed before begot
there. Tbe Signor was at home, and what was still more
gratifying, he was an Englishman ! Such a nice man —
and so polite ! Tbe list was not full, but it was a most
extraordinary circumstance that there was only just one
vacancy, and even that one would have been filled up that
very morning, only Signor Billsmethi was dissatisfied with
the reference, and, being very much afraid that the lady
wasn't select, wouldn't take her.
"And very much delighted I am, Mr. Cooper," said
Signor Billsmethi, " that I did not take her. I assure you,
Mr. Cooper— I don't say it to flatter you, for I know you're
above it— that I consider myself extremely fortunate
in having a gentleman of your manners and appearance,
sir."
" I am very glad of it too, sir," said Augustus Cooper.
"Audi hope we shall be better acquainted, sir," said
Signor Billsmethi.
" And I'm sure I hope we shall too, sir," responded
Augustus Cooper. Just then, the door opened, and in
came a young lady, with her hair curled in a crop all over
her bead, and her shoes tied in sandals all over her ankles.
SIGNOR BILLSMETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY. 131
"Don't run away, ruy dear," said Siguor Billsmethi; for
the young lady didn't know Air. Cooper was there when
she ia;i in, and was going to run out again in her modesty,
all in coul'usiou-like. " Don't run away, my dear," said Sig-
nor Uillsniethi, " this is Mr. Cooper — Air. Cooper, of Fetter
Lane. Mr. Cooper, my daughter, sir— Miss Billsmethi,
sir, who, I hope, will have the pleasure of dancing many a
quadrille, minuet, gavotte, country dance, fandaugo, double
hornpipe and farinagholkajingo with you, sir. She dances
them all, sir ; and so shall you, sir, before you're a quarter
older, sir."
And Signor Billsmethi slapped Mr. Augustus Cooper on
the back, as if he had known him a dozen years— so friend-
ly : —and Mr. Cooper bowed to the young lady, and the
young lady curtseyed to him, and Signor Billsmethi said
they were as handsome a pair as ever he'd wish to see ;
upon which the young lady exclaimed, "Lor, pa!" and
blushed as red as Mr. Cooper himself — you might have
thought they were both standing under a red lamp at a
chemist's shop; and before Mr. Cooper went away it was
set tied that he should join the family circle that very night
— taking them just as they were -no ceremony nor non-
sense of that kind -and learn his positions in order that
he might lose no time, and be able to come out at the
forthcoming ball.
Well, Mr. Augustus Cooper went away to one of the
cheap shoemakers' shops in Holborn, where gentlemen's
dress-pumps are seven-and-sixpence and men's Btrong
walking just nothing al all, and bought a pair of the regu-
lar i-and -sixpenny, long-quartered town-mades, in
whirh be astonished himself quite as much as his mother,
and sallied forth to Signor Billsmetbi's. There were four
other private pupils in the parlor: tWO ladies and two
gentlemen. Such nice people! Not a bit of pride about
them, one of the ladies in particular, who was in train-
ing for a Columbine, v. a., remarkably affable \ and she and
132 SIGNOli BILLSilETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY.
Miss Billsmetbi took such au interest in Mr. Augustus
Cooper, aud joked and siniled,'and looked so bewitching,
that be got quite at home, aud learned his steps iu no time.
Alter the practicing was over, Signor Billsmethi, and Miss
Billsmethi, aud Master Billsmethi, and a young lady, and
the two ladies, aud the two gentlemen, dauced a quadrille —
none of your slipping and slidiug about, but regular warm
work, flying iuto corners, and diving among chairs, and
shooting out at the door — something like dancing ! Signor
Billsmethi in particular, notwithstanding bis having a little
fiddle to play all the time, was out on the lauding every
figure, and Master Billsmethi, when everybody else was
breathless, danced a hornpipe, with a cane in bis band
and a cheese-plate on his head, to the unqualified admira-
tion of the whole company. Then Signor Billsmethi in-
sisted, as they were so happy, that they should' all stay to
supper, and proposed sending Master Billsmethi for the beer
and spirits, whereupon the two gentlemen swore, "strike
'em wulgar if they'd stand that;" and were just going to
quarrel who should pay for it, when Mr. Augustus Cooper
said be would, if they'd have the kindness to allow him —
and they had the kindness to allow him ; and Master Bill-
smethi brought the beer iu a can, and the rum in a quart-
pot. They had a regular night of it ; and Miss Billsmetbi
squeezed Mr. Augustus Cooper's band under the table, and
Mr. Augustus Cooper returned the squeeze and returned
home too, at something to six o'clock in the morning,
when he was put to bed by main force by the apprentice,
after repeatedly expressing an uncontrollable desire to
pitch his revered parent out of the second-floor window,
and to throttle the apprentice with bis own neck-handker-
chief.
Weeks had worn on, and the seven-and-sixpenny town-
mades had nearly worn out, when the night arrived for the
grand dress ball at which the whole of the five-and-seventy
pupils were to meet together for the first time that season,
SIGNOIt BILLSMETHl'S DANCIXG ACADEMY. ]33
and to take out some portion of their respective four-and-
sixpences in lamp-oil and tiddlers. Mr. Augustus Cooper
bad ordered a new coat for the occasion — a two-pound-
tenneT from Turnstile. It was his hrst appearance in pub-
lic; aud, after a grand Sicilian shawl-dance by fourteen
young ladies in character, he was to open the quadrille
department with Miss Billsmethi herself, with whom be
had become quite intimate since his first introduction. It
wo* a night! Everything was admirably arranged. The
sandwich boy took the bats and bonnets at the street door;
there was a turn-up bedstead in the back parlor, on which
Miss Billsmethi made tea and coffee for such of the gentle-
men as chose to pay for it, and such of the ladies ;is the
gentlemen treated; red port-wine negus and lemouade
were, handed round at eighteen -pence ahead; and in pur-
suance of a previous engagement with the public house nt
the corner of the street, an extra pot-boy was laid on for the
occasion. In short, nothing could exceed the arrangements,
except the company. Such ladies! Such pink silk stock-
ings! Such artificial flowers! Such a number of cabs!
No sooner hnd one cab set down a couple of ladies, than
another cab drove up and set down another couple of
ladies, and they all knew, not only one another, but the
majority of the gentlemen into the bargain, which made it
all as pleasant and lively as could be. Signer Billsmethi, in
black tights, with a large blue bow in his button-hole, intro-
duced the ladle i- men of'the gentlemen as were strangers ;
and the ladies talked away -and laughed they did it was
delightful tosee them.
to Mr. Aiiimi "i ' 'oopcr's share in the quadrille, In t
through it admirably. He was missing from his partner,
now and then, certainly, and discovered on such occasioi
be either dancing with laudable perseverance in another
-. or sliding aboul in perspective, without any definite
object ; but generally Bpeaking, they managed to shove
him through tin' figure, until ho turned \]]> in (lie right
134 STGNOR BILLSMETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY.
place. Be this as" it may, when be bad finished, a great
many ladies and gentlemen came up and complimented
him very much, and said they had never seen a beginner
do anything like it before; and Mr. Augustus Cooper was
perfectly satisfied with himself, and everybody else into
the bargain; and " stood" considerable quantities of spir-
its-and-water, negus and compounds, for the use and be-
hoof of two or three dozen very particular friends, selected
from the select circle of five-and-seveuty pupils.
Now, whether it was the strength of the compounds, or
the beauty of the ladies, or what not, it did so happen that
Mr. Augustus Cooper encouraged, rather than repelled,
the very flattering attentions of a young lady in brown
gauze over white calico, who had appeared particularly
struck with him from the first ; and when the encourage-
ments had been prolonged for some time, Miss Billsmethi
betrayed her spite and jealousy thereat by calling the
young lady in brown gauze a " creetur," which induced the
young lady in brown gauze to retort, in certain sentences
containing a taunt founded on the payment of four-and-six-
pence a quarter, which reference Mr. Augustus Cooper, be-
ing then and there in a state of considerable bewilderment,
expressed his entire concurrence in. Miss Billsmethi, thus
renounced, forthwith began screaming in the loudest key
of her voice, at the rate of fourteen screams a minute ; and
being unsuccessful, in an onslaught on the eyes and face,
first of the lady in gauze and then of Mr. Augustus Cooper,
called distractedly on the other three-and-seventy pupils to
furnish her with oxalic acid for her own private drinking;'
and, the call not being honored, made another rush at Mr.
Cooper, and then had her stay-lace cut, and was carried
off to bed. Mr. Augustus Cooper, not being remarkable
for quickness of apprehension, was at a loss to under-
stand what all this meant, until Signor Billsmethi explained
it in a most satisfactory manner, by stating to the pupils
that Mr. Augustus Cooper had made and confirmed divers
DEE goot lookix snxow. 135
promises of marriage to bis daughter on divers occasions,
and bad now basely deserted her ; on which, tbe indigna-
tion of tbe pupils became universal ; and as several chival-
rous gentlemen inquired rather pressingly of Mr. Augustus
Cooper, whether be required anything for his own use, or,
in other words, whether he " wanted auything for himself,"
he deemed it prudent to make a precipitate retreat. And
tbe upshot of the matter was, that a lawyer's letter came
next day, and an action was commenced next week ; and
that Mr. Augustus Cooper, after walking twice to the Ser-
pentine for the purpose of drowning himself, and coming
twice back without doing it, made a confidante of his
mother, who compromised the matter with twenty pounds
from the till; which made tweuty pounds four shillings and
sixpence paid to SignoT Billsmethi, exclusive of treats and
pumps. And Mr. Augustus Cooper went back and lived
with bis mother, and there he lives to this day; and as he has
lost bis ambition for society, and never goes into the world,
he will never see this account of himself, and will never bo
auy tbe wiser.
DER GOOT LOOKIN SHNOW.
ASONTMOU3.
Oh, dotshnow, dot goot lookin sbnow,
Vhich makes von der shky out, on tings below;
Uud yoost on derbause vhere der shingles vas grow,
You eonie mil some coldness, vherefer you go;
\ altzin uud pblayin and zinging along,
Goot lookin sbnow, .you dond cood done wrong.
Bfeu of you make on Bomeoldl gal's echeek,
It make notting Afferent, oferdas Bhendlesom freak.
Goot lookin Bhnow, von derglonds py der shky,
You vas bully mitcold redder, and bully vonhigh.
(ih, dol Bhnow, dol goot lookin shnow,
foost dis vay and dot you make vhen yon go ;
136 DEE GOOT LOOKIX SHNOW.
Fhlyin aroundt, you got matuess mit fun,
Uud fhreeze makes der nose of efery von ;
Lafein, runniu, mit gwickness go py,
Toost sktobbin a leedle, den pooty gwiek fhly ;
Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der yet,
Vood shnab at der bieces vhich makes ou dhere hedt.
Der peobles vas grazy, uud caddies rood crow
Und say how you vas, you goot lookin shnow.
Und so gwiek you vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow,
Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low,
Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite,
You dond cood saw dhem, dill quite out of site.
Schwimmen, shkimmen, fhlirdin dhey go
Eecht on der tob of dot goot lookin shnow.
Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der sbky down,
Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der
town,
To been valked on py more as dwo hoondret fife feet,
Dill gwiek, vas yoost lookin so phlack like der shtreet.
Yell, I vas yoost lookin vonce so goot like dot shnow,
But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go ;
Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet,
I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peobles I meet.
Dinkin und shworin, I like of I die,
To been sbtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy,
Yhile I trink me some lager to got a shquare meal,
I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood sbteal.
Got in Himmel, how ish dot? Yas I gone down so low,
Yhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot lookin
shnow ?
Yah, for dbrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like
dot shnow,
Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow;
I dink von dhem efery von, iind dhey dink von me too,
Und I vas humpugged mit fhladeries,* dot's yoost vot
dhev do.
Mine Fadder, Mndder, Gabruder der same,
THE CELEBRATED JTJMPEifG FROG. 137
Yas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce
mine name,
Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarknesspy nite,
Vood gone more as a ploeks to got out of mine site.
Der coat von mine leeks, und poots of miue toe,
Tas not gleaner as doze of dot goot looMn shnow.
It vas gweer it shood been dot dot goot lookin shnow
Vood make on a pad mans mit no vhere to go ;
Und how gweer it vood been, vheu yoost pehindt tar,
Ofer der bail und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay,
Hobbiu, skibben, und me dedt like an eel —
Mine mat vas got oop, nefer a vord cood I shpeil,
To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk ofer der town,
"Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas como
down,
I yoost lay dor ground, und gone died mit a woo.
Mit a pedgwjlta und billows, von der goot lookin shnow.
THE CELEBRATED JUMPING FROG.
Willi PKBMI88ION OF THE AUTHOR, mark twain.
There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smiley,
who was the curiosest man about always betting on any-
thing that turned up you ever sec, if he could get anybody
to bet on the other side; and if he couldn't, he'd change
sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit him—
any way jus! so's he gol a hot, ho was satisfied. He was
. s ready and laying for a chance.
Well, this byer Smiley bad rat-tarriers, and flghting-
b, mid toi and all them kind of things, till you
ml yon couldn'l fetcb nothing for him to hot
on hut he'd match you. lie ketched a frog one day, and
took him homo, and said he cal'klated to edercate him ; mid
be never done nothing for three months but sel in his
back yard ami learn that frog to jump And you bet you
138 TIIE CELEBRATED JTMTISrG FROG.
be did learn him, too. He'd give him a little punch behind,
and tbe next minute you'd see tbat frog whirling in the air
like a doughnut — see him turn one summerset, or may be
a couple if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed
and all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter
of catching flies, and kept him in practice so constant, that
he'd nail a fly every time as far as he could see him. Smi-
ley said all a frog wanted was education, and he could do
most anything— and I believe him. Why, I've seen him
set Dan'l Webster down here on this floor— Dan'l Webster
was the name of the frog— and sing out, " Flies, Dan'l,
flies !" and quicker'n you could wink, he'd spring straight
up, and snake a fly off n the counter there, and flop down
on the floor again as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to
scratching the Bide of his head with his hind foot, as indif-
ferent as if he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n
any frog might do. You never see a frog so modest and
straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted. And
when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level,
he could get over more ground at one straddle than any
animal of his breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level
was his strong suit, you understand ; and when it come to.
that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he
had a red. Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and
well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and been
everywheres all said that he laid over any frog that ever
they see.
Well, Smiley kept the beast in a little lattice box, and
he used to fetch him down town sometimes and lay for a
bet. One day a feller — a stranger in the camp, he was —
come across him with his box, and says :
" What might it be that you've got in the box?''
And Smiley says, sorter indifferent like, "It might be a
parrot, or it might be a canary, may be, but it ain't— it's
only jest a frog."
And the feller took it, and looked at it careful and turned
TIIE CELEBRATED JUMPING FR(-G. 139
it round this way and that, and says, " H'm — so 'tis. Well,
what's He good for V
"Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, '-He's good
enough for one thing, I should judge — he can outjump any
frog. in Calaveras county. - '
The feller took the box again, and took another long,
particular look, and give it back to Smiley, and says, very
deliberate, " Well, I don't see no p'ints about that frog
that's any better'n any other frog."
'• May be you don't," Smiley says ; " may be you under-
stand frogs, and may be you don't understand 'em ; may
be you've had experience, and may be you ain't only a
amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got my opinion, and
I'll risk forty dollars that he can outjump anything in Cal-
averas county."
And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder
sail like, " Well, I'm only a stranger here, and 1 ain't got
no frog ; but if I had a frog I'd bet you."
And then Smiley says, " That's all right — that's all right
— if you'll hold my box a minute, I'll go and get you a frog."
And bo the feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars
along with Smiley's, and set down to wait.
So be set there a good while, thinking and thinking to
hisself, and then he got the frog out and pried his mouth
open and took a teaspoon and filled him full of quail shot
— Oiled him pretty near up to bis chin — and set him on the
floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped around in
tin; mud fur a long time, and finally he ketched a frog,
and fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says:
"Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, with
fore-paws jest even with Dan'l's, ami I'll give the word."
Then he says, "' ' toe, two, three jump I" and him and the
feller touched up the frogs from behind, and the new frog
hopped off", but Dan'l give a heave, and hysted up his
shoulders, so, like a Frenchman, but it wasn't do use -ho
couldn't budge; he was planted as solid as an anvil, and
140 THE " LOST CHORD."
he couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smi-
ley was a good deal surprised, aud he was disgusted too,
but be didn't bave no idea wbat the matter was, of course.
Tbe feller took the money and started away, and when
he was going out at the door he sorter jerked bis thumb
over his shoulders, this way, at Dan'l, and says again, very
deliberate, " Well, I don't see no p'ints about that frog
that's any better'n any other frog."
Smiley he stood scratching bis bead and looking down
at Dan'l a long time, and at last he says, "I do wonder
what in the nation that frog throw'd off for — I wonder if
there ain't something tbe matter with him — he 'pears to
look mighty baggy, somehow." Aud he ketched Dan'l by
tbe nap of the neck and lifted him up and says, " Why,
blame my cats if he don't weigb five pound !" and turned
him upside down, and be belcbed out a double handful of
shot. And then be see bow it was, and he was tbe mad-
dest man — he set the frog down and took out after that fil-
ler, but be never ketched him.
THE "LOST CHORD."
ADELAIDE PKOCTOB.
Seated one day at the organ,
I was weary and ill at ease,
And my ringers wandered idly
Over the noisy keys.
I do not know what I was playing,
Or what I was dreaming then ;
But I struck one chord of music,
Like the sound of a great Amen !
&*
It flooded the crimson twilight,
Like the close of an angel's psalm,
And it lay on ray fevered spirit,
"With a touch of infinite calm.
A TALE OF A LEG. 141
It quieted pain and sorrow,
Like love overcoming strife ;
It seemed the harmonious echo
From our discordant life.
It linked all perplexed meanings
Into one perfect peace,
And trembled away into silence,
As if it were loth to cease.
I have sought, but I seek it vainly,
That one lost chord divine,
That came from the soul of the organ,
And entered into mine.
It may be that Death's bright angel
Will speak in that chord again ;
It may be that only in heaven
I shall hear that grand Amen.
A TALE OF A LEG.
THOMAS MILLER.
Ben Brast was driving his sheep from Newark. Ben
had a Que Leg of Northamptonshire mutton slung over his
shoulder, and ever as he drove his sheep along, and got
them nicely together, he tinned to admire the joint, and
by a jerk of liis arm brought it at the front. "Hev it
boiled,*' said Ben; "sup of prime broth, hut broth fillsone
so soon, [fa prime baked over , a lot of nice, mealy tatoes,
it gives the tatoes Bich a flavor. Roasted'a better— but,
laws! it meeks mo so hungry while turning it, and I half
fill mo we' sops in the pan. And lie again examined it,
took hold of the shank and felt its weight, then threw it
once more over his shoulder. The Gat almost frizzled in t lie
sun, for the morning was unusually hot. How nice it will
eal prime red gravy ! England's a gloriou country ! there's
legs of mutton in the world beside, there isn't a leg
like this in forcigu parts abroad, [t's a blessed country.
142 A TALE OF A LEG.
But I begin to want my lunch. Or should I stay and make
a good dinner at Besthorpe ? I thiuk 1 will, he gives cap-
ital shilling dinners. He says he loses two shillings by me
every time. I dare say he don't get much. But, laws!
everybody don't eat alike ; and I dare say, what we' one
and another, it pays very well indeed. Who the dickens
is yon coming f Why, I declare it's my wife's cousin. Dash
him, if he sees this mutton he'll want to fall bones on it !
He's sich a fellow for fresh meat."
" Sweet leg of mutton there, Ben," said cousin William,
glutting his gaze upon it, as if he would have eaten it with
his eyes. " What a nice relish a slice round would but
give a pint of ale ! I made but a poor breakfast. I never
saw a prettier leg than that, Ben."
" It's a real good un," answered Ben, hitching it farther
back, " and I mean to hev it done for Sunday's dinner."
" I don't mind going back we' you," said the hungry-
looking cousin. " I should enjoy a bit of that mutton on
Sunday, Ben, that I should."
"It would be all the better for being hung up a day or
two longer," said Ben, who had seen cousin William eat
once, " and if I should change my mind, and not hev it
cooked on Sunday, it would be a disappointment to yon."
" W T hy, for that matter," answered the persevering cousin,
"I could stay as long as it would keep good."
" I'll tell you what I'll do," said Ben ; " if you'll pay for
th' ale, I'll stand a dinner for you at Besthorpe. They
charge a shilling, and if you eat a stone of meat, they
charge no more. You'll see how I'll teck the landlord in,
for he's often grumbled at giving a dinner for a shilling;
but we'll sarve him out to-day. Are you in cood trim?"
"Capital," said cousin William; "I'm good for half-a-
crown's worth, anyhow."
"Then we'll do him, by Jove!" said Ben, rubbing his
A TALE OF A LEG. 143
hands with delight ; " for I'm in beautiful order. He shall
Lev soineat to grumble about this time. I think you and
I, cousin, can put as much under our jackets, as any two
men in England."
They soon arrived at Besthorpe, and put up at the old
11 Black Bell."
* ******
The sheep were put into a neighboring paddock, and
Ben began to inquire after dinner.
"It's only just down," said the landlord, looking very
hard at cousin William's long jaws, for the host had some
skill in the physiognomy of a good trencherman, and ho
wished his guests had traveled a little farther. " It'll be an
hour and a half before it's ready. Hadn't you better go'
on to Newton .'—you'll about get there in time."
•• No, thank you," said Ben, winking at his cousin, " wo
can wait till dinner's ready ; the sheep want a bit of a rest."
Then calling to the servant-girl, he said, "Here, .Mary,
just hang this leg of mutton up in a cool place until I go."
The girl obeyed; and as the landlord threw his sharp
eye upon it, he said, "It'sa prime leg that, Ben; but I
think wc shall have as good a one to-day."
•• Roasted .'" said Ben.
'• Y<s ; I'll just sec how they are getting on with it," said
the landlord, and he went into the back kitchen.
"Roast leg of mutton," said Hen, nudging the cousin
with his elbow ; "my eyes, William, won't we see the bono
bel We done we' it ! We'll teck him in."
•• We will," answered cousin William, his mouth already
watering. " I'll astonish you to-day, Ben."
"We'll make him gape," said Ben, "and eal such a meal
he'll niver forget. Only a shilling, my boy ! I'm good
for three pound
"So am I," answered William, "besides bread and
potatoes. Laws! I wish it was but ready."
144 A TALE OP A LEG.
It seemed a long while to wait ; but after the first hour
there came such a rich smell of roast mutton from the back
kitchen, that even Ben and the cousin sat patiently to in-
hale it, and snuffed up the fragrance with delight, until
their appetites rose to " hunger heat."
" Should just like one sop," said Ben. "Laws, what a
delicious smell."
"It would spoil your enjoying the last pound," answered
William. "I like to start with a clear course. I think I
can eat half of it. Just throw the window up, Ben ; if I
hev this smell much longer, I shall be rushing into the
kitchen and fetching it off the hook."
"Dinner's ready," said the landlord, and Ben and the
cousin had well-nigh tumbled over each other, in the hurry
to reach the parlor ; they had not time to think of time.
It was really a fine leg of mutton, and the dish of new
potatoes looked beautiful — the landlord had dug them out
of his garden. They would have been sufficient for half-a-
dozen ordinary people. A new brown loaf stood in the
bread-basket.
Ben made a hole in the middle of the leg at the first cut,
such as two men, with a fair appetite, might be supposed
to leave after they have dined.
Cousin William devoured the largest mouthfuls, but Ben
seemed to make the most progress — to take it easier, some-
how. He cut his meat in smaller pieces, and ate two to
his cousin's one — Ben had excellent teeth. A potato van-
ished at every mouthful — not one was cut — they seemed to
go down whole. "Don't spare it," said Ben, having fin-
ished his first huge plateful. "Just the same to pay if we
eat it all ! Beautiful, isn't it V
"Ah! quite heavenly," answered the cousin, casting a
loving glance at the joint, then helping himself to another
tremendous slice, and adding, " Eating's hard work, Ben :"
and he took oft' his neckcloth and smock-frock and threw
them on the floor. Ben ate on, and seemed not to put him-
A TALE OF A LEG. 145
self out of the way* He was like a man who, beingperfectly
master of his trade, feels no doubt of finishing his task in
first-rate style, and goes on easily and leisurely ; while the
cousin, scarcely so perfect a hand, seemed to make a labor
of it.
" It looks very queer now," said Ben, laying down his
knife and fork, and taking a close survey of the joint,
which looked like a bottle with nearly the whole centre
gone, and only the bottom and neck left. " He'll not save
a fortune out of us, I think."
" He'll remember our shilling dinner the longest day he
has to live." And Ben glanced at the remainder of the leg
and smiled — the sight of it pleased him, for it looked al-
most all bone. " It weighs six pounds lighter than it did,"
said Ben, "I'll warrant it;" and his fat sides shook with
delight. Then he laughed outright as he thought how they
had taken the host in.
" Eating takes away one's appetite after we've swallowed
the first two pounds," said William.
" It does," answered Ben. " I think a man, according
to his size, eats the least of anything. Look what a truss
of hay a horse can get through. Now I think we ought to
eat as much accordingly; then a leg of mutton for one
man would be a fair meal. Laws, cousin ! lay down four
or five pound of meat beside me — then look at my size —
why, it seems like nowt !"
" No more it don't," replied tho cousin.
• ••****
Cousin William took up the last potato and cut it in
It was the fir. il one that had been halved. He dip-
ped it in salt and gravy, and had difficulty to swallow it.
II" was full to the \< try throat. They bad eaten liko fam-
ed wolves.
•■ Now, then, well be jogging on the road," said William;
"and I'll pull the bell, to see what's to pay. The two shil-
lings for dinner you're to stand, Ben. I'll pay for tho alo."
146 A TALE OP A LEG.
"All right," answered Ben, and the landlord entered the
room. They both cast down their eyes, for (to do them
justice) they felt half-ashamed of looking either at the
landlord or the mangled skeleton that lay on the dish.
" I'm glad to see you've made sich a famous dinner," said
the landlord, smiling.
"We've done very fairly indeed," replied Ben, now look-
ing up imder such encouragement. " What's to pay?"
" There's nothing to pay, Ben," answered the host ;
" potatoes, bread, ale and cooking you're welcome to, and
I'm glad to get off so cheap. The leg of mutton was your
own, Ben, and I hope it was done to your liking !"
" What ?" said Ben, not fully comprehending the host's
meaning ; " you don't mean to say that we've been eating
that leg of mutton I brought !"
" The very sam^," answered the host, laughing. "I put
it down to roast myself."
Ben stared at the landlord in silence, and, after a long
pause, he said, " Why, it cost me six shillings. It's a regu-
lar swindle," continued Ben, " and I'll hev an action-at-law
against you. Here you pretend to give a man a dinner for
a shilling, and set before him his own joint that cost six
shillings, which he eats up and loses five by it ; I'll never
use your house again. What do I care about yotfr few po-
tatoes, your bit of bread and drop of ale ? I'll have my
leg of mutton, if I get it out of your bones."
Cousin William could scarcely keep his seat for laughing;
he shook from head to foot, as he exclaimed, " So I've
dined off that prime leg after all. Ben, you're done this
time."
" I niver was so tecken in before in my life," said Ben.
"Next time I dine anywhere, and hev a joint we' me, I'll
keep it tied round my shoulder all the while I eat. Dash
your wig, landlord, you've done me this time, but I'll be
even we' you yet !"
THAT WEST-SIDE DOG. 147
T^T WEST-SIDE DOG, OR WILLIAM NYE IN
CHICAGO.
B. F. WILKIE.
There is a family out on the west-side who hart a visit
one da}- from a strange dog. He walked in while they were
at breakfast, gave them a friendly shake of his tail, and
then sat down and waited expectantly for a hone, just as
though he had always lived there.
He was not a handsome dog. His father must have been
a mighty mean-looking dog, and his mother must have
looked meauerthan his father, while he inherited all their
mean looks, and had picked up a few additional ones on
his own account. He was short-legged, with great splay
feet that turned out, a big body, a head like a big, dirty
lump of dough, and a mouth that opened as far back as
an oyster's.
lb; was given a bone and requested to put out, which ho
proceeded not to do by being suddenly possessed with the
idea that there was some lurking danger in the coal-house,
which only he was competent to master. Then he went
for rats behind the house, and then he proceeded to open
on some boys who were playing tag on a vacant lot. He
diil all these things to prove that he was a valuable dog.
But the thing didn't win. He was tiually chased into the
street, and around two blocks.
A half an hour later, that same dog walked into the
kitchen, wagging bis tail as if he wished to invite attention
to the fad thai lie had been engaged in arduous labor for the
benefll of the family, and would take another bone for his
reward. For three days was thai dog kicked out, broom-
ked out, mop-8ticked out, while his retreat was harass-
ed by old shoes, bricks, pieces of stove-wood, and chunks
Of Coal; but it was all Of no USe. lie always left mi such
ms with an appearance of the most abject terror, and
would lie back in ten minutes with a sunny smile on bis
open mouth, and a friendly wag in his tail, a:; it ho was re-
143 THAT WEST-SIDE DOG.
joiced to see everybody, and he knew everybody was
equally rejoiced to see hira.
Having thrown a couple of cords of wood at him, and a
ton or so of coal, the woman of the bouse, who is a great
strategist, and abounding in resources, resolved to econo-
mize in fuel and to try something else. With this view,
sbe bunted up an old tea-kettle and a piece of stout twine.
Inside the kettle were put tin things, so that when the ket-
tle was shaken it was a musical instrument of very high
power. And then William Nye — that was bis name — was
invited into the sitting-room. He was rather amazed at
such unwonted condescension, but, supposing it the reward
for having just throttled a pet cat belonging to a little girl
next door, he came in with the air of a conqueror.
And then to William's tail the young woman proceeded
to attach the piece of twine, with a double and a half hitch.
Mr. Nye, looking upon the matter as a decoration for his
gallantry in the cat business, took the process with great
equanimity. When it was all hitched, William was pointed
to the other door, and insinuatingly invited to " sick 'ini I"
as if there were another cat or two.
William was a willing dog, and so be up and got, to "sick
'im." He proceeded to start for the door, and, in do-
ing so, hauled taut the piece of twine, whose other end, it
may be remarked, had been attached with great care to
the tea-kettle. This strain excited Mr. Nye's curiosity,
and be turned himself about, and smelt first of the bitch
on bis tail, and then transferred his investigations to the
tea-kettle. He seemed to discover nothing very suspicious,
and, supposing everything right, he resolved to make up for
lost time, and made a vigorous lunge after the hypotheti-
cal cats. This brought the tea-kettle with a heavy im-
pact against the rear-guard of Mr. Nye's column. The re-
sult was a panic.
It had been expected that when Mr. Nye took up his
march, it would be through the kitchen door, thence into
HOW DENWIS TOOK THE PLEDGE. 149
tbe street, thence straight ahead in a direct line for Calu-
met or Bridgeport. But the parlor door happened to be
open, and Mr. Nye shot through it.
It was a thrilling affair, and lasted some time. William
laid down his ears, and commenced making the circuit of
the parlor at a rate so rapid that one couldn't tell whether
it was the dog running away with the tea-kettle, or the tea-
kettle running away with the dog. The first eight times
around he knocked down the etagere, and smashed in the
lower panes of the book-case. The next eleven times
around, he knocked down three flower-pots, broke a
molding off the sofa, and smashed three costly vases.
Every time he went around he made a big " dent " in
each leg of the piano, until, at the last, they loooked like
sticks of cord- wood.
In all, with his ears flat down, Ins tongue out eighteen
inches, ami his mouth open like a carpet-sack, he went
around till he had knocked off all the plastering within
two feet of the floor, chipped all the furniture, and then'
he made a bolt through the window, smashing a large pane
of glass, went through the gate, and thence down the street,
rattling and clattering as though he were a runaway tin-
pedler'a cart.
And that's the last that was ever seen of William Nye
by that west-side family. All that could be said of him
that, like sorrow, he had been, and left his traces there.
HOW DENNIS TOOK THE PEEDGE.
ANONTMOUf.
A Limerick Irishman named Dennis addicted to strong
drink, was often urged by his friends to sign the pled
but with no avail, until one day they read to him from a
newspaper an account of a man who had become so thor-
oughly saturated witli alcohol, that, on attempting to blow
out a candle, his breath ignited, and he was instantly blown
150 TEE FISHERMAN'S SUMMONS.
to. atoms. Dennis' face showed mingled horror and con-
trition, and his friends thought that the long-desired mo-
ment of repentance was at hand.
" Bring me the hook, hoys, bring me the hook ! Troth,
his breath took fire, did it? Sure I'll niver die that death,
anyhow;" said Dennis, with the most solemn countenance
imaginable. " Hear me now, boys, hear me now. I, Den-
nis Finnegan, knowin' my great weakness, deeply sinsible
of my past sins, an' the great danger I've been in, hereby
take me solemn oath that, so long as I live, under no pro-
vocation whativer, will I — blow out a candil agin /"
THE FISHERMAN'S SUMMONS.
ANONYMOUS.
The sea ia calliug, calling !
Wife, is there a log to spare ?
Fling it down on the hearth and call them in,
The boys and girls with their merry din,
I am loth to leave you all just yet ;
In the light and the noise I might forget
The voice in the evening air.
The sea is calling, calling,
Along the hollow shore;
I know each nook in the rocky strand,
And the crimson weeds on the golden sand,
And the worn old cliff where the sea-pinks cling,
And the winding caves where the echoes ring —
I shall wake them never more.
How it keeps calling, calling,
It is never a night to sail ;
I saw the "sea-dog " over the height,
As I strained through the haze my failing sight,
And the cottage creaks and rocks, well nigh
As the old " Fox " did in the days gone by,
In the moan of the rising gale.
THE FISHERMAN'S SUMMONS. 151
Yet it is calling, calling ;
It is hard on a soul, I say,
To go fluttering out in the cold and the dark,
Like the hird they tell us of,- from the ark,
"While the foam flies thick on the hitter blast,
And the angry waves roll fierce and fast,
"Where the hlack huoy marks the hay.
Do you hear it calling, calling ?
And yet, I am none so old.
At the herring fishery, hut last year,
No boat heat mine for tackle and gear,
And I steered the cobble past the reef,
When the broad sail shook like a withered leaf,
And the rudder chafed my hold.
"Will it never stop calling, calling?
Can't you sing a song by the hearth —
A heartsome stave of a merry glass,
Or a gallant fight, or a bonny lass ?
Don't you care for your grand-dad just so much
Come near, tben, give me a hand to touch,
Still warm with the warmth of earth.
You hear it calling, calling ?
Ask her why she sits and cries.
She always did when the sea was up,
She would fret, and never take bit or sup,
When I and the lads were out at night,
And she saw the breakers cresting white
Beneath the low black sb
But then, in its calling, calling,
No summons t<> soul was sent.
Now — well, fetch the par on, find the book,
It is up on tli<- ■ belf there, if yon look ;
The been friend, ami fire, and bread;
Put me where it. will tell of me, lying dead,
IIow it called, and I rose and went.
152 badger's debut as hamlet.
BADGER'S DEBUT AS HAMLET.
ERAS BY X II. ISELLEW. Litchfield moselkt.
"That's something like a bill," said Jobson, the mana-
ger, holdiug it against the wall, and addressing me as I
entered his .sanctum. It read as follows :
j Reopening of the Theatre Royal, Slushington. Under
the sole management of Mr. Leonardo Jobson.
Engagement of the celebrated American Tragedian,
Mr. Titus B. Badger, (from the principal theatres of the
United States, California, New Zealand, the Sandwich
Islands, the Carribees and Timbuctoo), who will appear in
his great impersonation of Hamlet, as performed by him
for 1231 nights with the greatest success.
The entire press of the two hemispheres has unanimously
pronounced this gentleman to bo the only successor to
Edmund Kean.
He will be supported by a powerful Company, selected
from the principal Metropolitan Theatres.
After which will be presented an entirely New and Origi-
nal Farce, entitled " Skedaddling."
Notwithstanding the enormous expense of this engage-
ment, there will be no advance in the prices.
" That's something like a bill," again said Jobson, step-
ping back a few paces in order more fully to admire it.
" What do you think of it, eh ?"
I had picked up a slight acquaintance with the manager,
who was^to use the mildest term possible — a theatrical
adventurer, with as many aliases as there are letters in the
alphabet; one of those sharp individuals whose trickiness
brings the stage into disrepute.
" A very taking poster," I replied.
" Think so ?" said he. " There's one fault in it — Badg-
er's name isn't half large enough. You wouldn't believe
the difference that an inch or two of type makes to a trage-
dian. Supposing I leave that bill as it is, nobody will
BADGERS DEBUT AS HAMLET. 153
think anything of Badger. Give him taw-inch letters, peo-
ple will glance at the name, and pass on ; increase them
to four, and they'll wonder who Badger is ; put him in
ticelve-mch. type, and we shan't know where to seat the
people. I'm having some posters done now with letters
four feet high, and nothing on them but ' Badger ;' and if
they don't draw in the public my name's not — Bless me ! if
I know what my name is !''
" I should not have thought it," I replied.
" Shouldn't you ? Why, if we had Phelps down here,
and only gave him ordinary type, I don't believe we should
have fifty people in the house."
"Indeed! But who is Badger?" I asked. "I never
heard of him."
•• No more has anybody else. But we're going to have a
dress rehearsal directly, and you shall see him."
" Does he come from America \ n
" Not a bit of it. He's a stage-struck young. idiot from
the Bow-road, who's never been farther west thanPimlico.
His name's Tibbetts, and he's clerk to a shoemaker in the
city. He fancies he has a genius for tragedy, and has
paid me twenty pounds to allow him to appear here.
Fact ! .My company never costs mo anything for salaries.
I always make V:n pay me for the privilege of performing.
It suits my pocket, it pleases them, and so neither of as
grumble. Mugford !" This was to one of the carpenters.
•• Thir," said Mugford, who suffered from a lisp.
"Have you finished those skulls yet — Yorick's and the
other two I"
'• STetb, Milliter Johthon, thir. I've bought three big
thwede turnipth, and I've covered 'em over with brown
paper, and I think they'll do, thir."
"Very well."
F.xit Mugford and enter I! ey.
'• Now, Ikey, what do yon want ?"
" Please sir, we can't gel no earth for Hamlick's grave,
154 BADGEll'S DEBUT AS HAMLET.
so you'll have to do with a bag o' silver sand ; and please,
sir, the rehearsal bell's a-ringing."
" That'll do. Now, sir, follow me, if you please,?' and
the manager led the way onto the stage.
" Ah, Mr. Badger, allow me to introduce you to this
gentleman — Mr. Badger, Mr. Robinson. Proud to make
two eminent men acquainted with each other. Mr. Bad-
ger, sir," said Jobson, turning to me — " Mr. Badger is a
young man brimming over with talent — genius, sir, pos-
itive genius. All fire, sir — all fire."
Perhaps his having been all fire accounted for his
scarcity of flesh. He was an- overgrown, shambling lad,
of about twenty, with a cast in one eye, a snub nose, red
hair, a wide mouth, and an unpleasant smile.
" 'Ope I see you well, sir," said Badger, grinning sheep-
ishly, and sliding a damp paw into my hand.
" Well, Mr. Badger, I suppose you're going to astonish
us all down here."
" I 'ope so, sir."
" I hope so too," I rejoined.
" Now, then, clear the stage for the rehearsal !" said
Jobson. "Where are you all? — King! Queen! Hamlet!
Polonius ! Rosencrantz ! Guildensteru ! Horatius ! Mar-
cell us ! Bernardo !"
" Here !" " Here !" " Here ! Mr. Jobson."
" Tompkins ! run up to the flies with some nails and the
glue-pot, and tinker up that castle-wall a bit ; and Ikey !
pull up that sky, and let the moon down two or three feet
lower. Hi! what's that smoke? What are you burning
in that moon — eh ?"
" Kerosene, sir.''
" Put it out ! put it out directly ! I won't have a kero-
sene moon. I won't have a drop of kerosene in the place.
Burn candle-ends."
" Right, sir."
" Mr. Dawbs! Mr. Dawbs ! where is Mr. Dawbs ?"
BADGEIi'S DEBUT AS HAMLET. 155
" Here, sir."
" What's the meaning of all those holes in that horizon-
cloth— eh f "
" They're stars, sir."
"Stars, sir ! stars! Why, some of your stars are bigger
than the moon ; they're not stars, they're comets ! me-
teors, sir ! meteors ! Cover 'em over directly !"
" Certainly, sir," said the crestfallen Dawbs; and the
rehearsal commenced.
In the opening scene I heard fragments being given
thus :
King. Though yet of a — Hamlet, our dear b.er-rother's death
The mera'iy be ger-reen; and that it is befitted
To bear our a — hearts in ger-rief, and our whole Kingdom
To be contracted by one ber-row of woe, &c.
Queen, (with a strong Scotch accent). Gude Hamlet, cast thee-
neeghted coolor off,
An' let theen 'ee look like a friend on Dinmork ;
Do not for eever wi' thee vailed lids
Seek for the nooble feyther in the doost.
Thee knawest 'tis common, a' that leeves must dee,
in 1 thraw nature to eternitee.
Wh;i' .seem ye then to fret about 'un, mon?
Hamlet (jerkily). Seems, madam. Bay, hit his.
II i know not seems.
It ain't alone my liinky cloke, good mother,
Nor customary suits of solium black,
Nor windy perspiration nor forced breath ;
Bnt Hi 'ave that within which passeth show.
These 'ere the trappings hand the suits of woe
"Green !" interrupted Jobson, " see that those two egg-
boxes (nv tin; throne stops arc painted red before we re-
hearse again."
And having Been as much of the rehearsal as I wanted,
I bade Jobson "Good morning," and left the theatre.
Monday evening arrived in due course, and the Theatre
Royal, Slusbington, was crowded. Badger was much ap-
15G BADGER'S DEBUT AS nAMLET.
plauded on his appearance ; but as soon as he found him-
self before the audience, his voice became totally inaudible.
At length a gentleman in the gallery shouted, " Speak up,
undertaker !" which had the effect of increasing his ner-
vousness to such an extent, that Hamlet's part in the
Ghost scene became merely a piece of dumb show ; during
which the grumblings of the " gods," at first " not loud, but
deep," ripened into an angry roar, and culminated in a
clamor for "Hot Codlings," or " Tipetywichit," intermin-
gled with cries of " Go home," and " Bravo, Shakespeare."
Badger, however — who, it soon became evident, had had
recourse to a stimulant— plodded on somewhat after this
fashion :
Hamlet. 'Tis now the very witchin' ftour hoi uiglit,
When churchyards yawn, and 'ell itself breathes oat
Contagion to this world. Now — now
Prompter (at wing). Now could I drink hot blood.
Hamlet. Now could I drink 'ot blood,
And do a bit o' business that the day
Would quake to look on.
Oh 'art, lose not thy nature, let not 7tever
The soul o' Nero neuter this firm bosom, &c.
In the churchyard scene, Badger made a great, but un-
expected hit. In declaiming the famous speech—
What is he wbose grief bears such an hemphasis ?
Whose phase of sorrow
• Conjures the wondering stars, and makes them stand
Like wonder- wounded 'carers. This 7/is Hi !
'Arnlet, the Dane —
He kept backing step by step, until— forgetting, its prox-
imity—he missed his footing, and turned a back somer-
sault into Ophelia's grave, burying himself so effectually
that the two grave-diggers had to extricate him from his
living tomb, amid roars of laughter from the audience. In
this mishap he also lost his black wig, and played the re-
mainder of the tragedy in his own red hair.
But the climax was reached in the last scene; when.
BADGEE'S DEBUT AS HAMLET. 157
having killed Laertes, Hamlet wrests the poisoned cup
from the attendant's hand. In flinging it away it hit the
dead Laertes on the nose ; whereupon, that gentleman—
who was of a fiery temperament — sprang up, and striding
to Hamlet, asked " Whether he did that on purpose ? as,
if so, he. felt inclined to give him something for himself."
Here the oftier performers interfered ; and Laertes having
been coaxed to die again peaceably, the tragedy was suf-
fered to proceed. The curtain had barely fallen on
" Hamlet," before some half score scene-shifters and car-
penters, headed by Green, came running onto the stage.
After a short pause, Green — who was an'Irishman — pulled
oil' bis cap, and making a low bow, said :
" I'laze yer honors, axing yer honors' pardon— I should
be afther saying, Ladies and Gintlemen— the manager-
bad 'cess to him— has been and gone and boulted with
the resales, and he\s forgotten to pay us our wages. Sure
an' its hard loines for me mates an' me, as has got twelve
small childem — mostly under the age o' four— to pervide
for, to be done out of our airntngs in this way by a thafe as
he is. Och ! bad luck to ould Jobson ; as I'd be afther
wi.shin' him to his face if he was here now. And, plaze yer
honors, I'm half ashamed to ax ye; but one o' the bhoys
will stand by the door with the cap, and if so be as ye've
got a Ui\v coppers to spare, wo shall all feel very grateful
to ye." Here the speaker was answered by a smart show-
er of small coin on the stage. "Hooray! for yer honors'
ginerous hearts. Good luck to ye, and may ye live for
ivcr, and die at a graue old age. Kape up the supply,
gintlemen, and don't be afraid as we shall complain o' the
throuble o* pickin' 'em up. May the blii ins "' the missis
and the young 'uns be upon ye, and thank ye for mej and
may ye oiver be afther knowin' what it is to feel the wants
of a penny."
And this was the finish of Badger's debut.
J 58 HOW HEZEKIAH STOLE THE SPOOXS.
HOW HEZEKIAH STOLE THE SPOONS.
ANONYMOUS.
In a quiet little Ohio village, m my years ago, was a
tavern where the stages always changed, and the passen-
gers expected to get breakfast. The landlord of the said
hotel was noted for his tricks upon travelers, who were
allowed to get fairly seated at the table, when the driver
would blow his horn (after taking his "horn"), and sing
out, "Stage ready, gentlemen!" — whereupon the passen-
gers were obliged to hurry out to take their seats, leaving
a scarcely tasted breakfast behind them, for which, how-
ever, they had to fork over fifty cents ! One day, when the
stage was approaching the house of this obliging landlord,
a passenger said that he had often heard of the landlord's
trick, and he was afraid they would not be able to eat any
breakfast.
" What ! — how ? No breakfast !" exclaimed the rest.
"Exactly so, gents, and you may as well keep your seats
and tin."
" Don't they expect passengers to breakfast V
" Oh, yes ! they expect you to it, but not to eat it. I am
under the impression that there is an understanding be-,
tween the landlord and the driver, that for sundry and
various drinks, &c, the latter starts before you can scarcely
commence eating."
" What on airth are you all talking about ? Ef you calke-
I late I'm going to pay four-and ninepence for my breakfast,
and not get the valee on't, you're mistaken," said a voice
from a back seat, the owner of which was one Hezekiah
Spaulding — though "tew hum" they call him "Hez"for
short. " I'm goin' to get my breakfast here, and not pay .
nary red cent till I do."
"Then you'll be left."
"Not as you knows on, I guess I won't."
"Well, we'll see," said the other, as the stage drove up
HOW HEZEKIAH STOLE THE SPOONS. 159
to the door, and the landlord, ready " to do' the hospita-
hle," says —
" Breakfast just ready, gents ! Take a wash, gents ?
Here's water, basins, towels, and soap."
After performing the ablutions, they all proceeded to
the dining-room, and commenced a fierce onslaught upon
the edibles, though Hez took his time. Scarcely had they
tasted their coffee, when they heard the unwelcome sound
of the horn, and the driver exclaim — "Stage ready!" Up
rise eight grumbling passengers, pay their fifty cents, and
take their seats.
"All on board, gents?" inquires tho host.
" One missing," said they.
Proceeding to the dining-room, the host finds Hez very
coolly helping himself to an immense piece of steak, the
size of a horse's hip.
"You'll be left, sir! Stage going to start !"
" Wall, I hain't got notion' agin it," drawls out Hez.
' Can't wait, sir — better take your seat."
" I'll be gall-darned ef I dew, notlier, till I've got my
breakfast ! I paid for it, and I am goin' to get the valeo
on't ; and cf you calkclate I hain't, you are mistaken."
So tho stage did start, and left Hez, who continued his
attack upon the edibles. Biscuits, coffee, &c, disappeared
before the eyes of the astonished landlord.
" Say, .squire, them there cakes is 'bout eat — fetch on
another grist on 'em. You" (to the waiter), "'nother cup
of th.it ete coffee. Pass them eggs. Raise your own pork,
I This is 'maziif nice ham. Land 'boul here toler-
able cheap, squire ''. Hain't much maple timber in these
parts, hev yel Dew right smart trade, squire, I calkc-
late f And thus lie/, kept quizzing the landlord until ho
had made a hearty meal.
iy, squire, now I'm 'boul to conclude paying my de~
vowers tew this ere table, but jest give us ;i bowl of bread
and milk to top off with; I'd be much obleeged tew ye."
160 paddy's dkeam.
So out go the landlord and waiter for tbo bowl, milk, and
bread, and set tbem before bim.
" Spoon, tew, ef you please.'"
But no spoon could be found. Landlord was sure be bad
plenty of silver ones lying on tbe table wben tbe stage
stopped.
" Say, dew ye ? dew ye tbink tbem passengers is goin' to
pay ye for a breakfuss and not git no compensashun ?"
" Ab ! what? Do you tbink any of tbe passengers took
tbem ?"
" Dew I think ?" No, I don't tbink, but I'm sartin. Ef
tbey are all as green as yew 'bout bere, I'm going to locate
immediately, and tew wonst."
Tbe landlord rusbes out to tbe stable, and starts a man
off after the stage, which had gone about three miles.
The man overtakes the stage, and says something to the
driver, in a low tone. He immediately turns back, and on
arriving at the hotel, Hez comes out, takes his seat, aud
says-
" How are yew, gents? I'm rotted glad to see yew."
" Can you point out the man you think has the spoons?"
asked the landlord.
"P'int him out? Sartinly I ken. Say, squire, I paid
yew four-and-ninepence for a breakfuss, and I calkelate I
got the valee on't ! You'll find them spoons in the coffee-
pot."
" Go ahead ! All aboard, driver."
The landlord stared.
PADDY'S DREAM.
ANONYMOUS.
I have often laughed at the way an Irish help we bad at
Barnstaple once fished me for a glass of whiskey. One
morning he says- to- me — " Oh, yer honor," says he, " I had
a great drame last night intirely — I drained I was in
PADDY'S DEEAM. KJ1
Eorae, tho' how I got there is more than I can tell ; but
these I was, sure enough ; and as in duty bound, what does
] dc but go and see the Pope. Well, it was a long journey,
and it was late when I got there— too late for the likes of
me ; and when I got to the palace I saw priests, and
bishops, and cardinals, and all the great dignitaries of the
Church a coming out ; and sais one of them to me, ' How
are ye, Pat Moloney?' sais ho; 'and that spalpeen yer
father, bad luck to him, how is he?' It startled me to
heai me own name so suddent, that it came mighty nigh
waking me up, it did. Sais I, 'Tour rivereuce, how in the
world did ye know that Pat Moloney was me name, let
alone that of me father V — ' Why, ye blackguard,' sais he,
'I knew ye since ye was knee-high to a goose, and I knew
yer mother afore ye was born.' — 'It's good right yer honor
has then to know me,' sais I. — 'Bad manners to ye,' sais
he, ' what is it ye are afther doing here at this time o'
i.ight?'—' To see his Holiness tho Pope,' sais I. — 'That's
right,' sais he; 'pass on, but leave yer impudence with
yer hat and shoes at tho door.' Well, I was showu into a
mighty fine room where his Holiness was, and down I went
on me knees. 'Rise up, Pat Moloney,' sais his Holiness;
•ye're a hroth of a boy to come all tho way from Ireland to
do yer duty to me ; and it's dutiful children ye are, every
mother's son of ye. What will ye have to drink, Pat V
(The greater a man is, tho more of a rael gintleman ho is,
yer honor, and tho more condescending.)— 'What will ye
have to drink, Pat?' sais he.— ' A glass of whiskey, yor
Holiness,' sais r, ' if it's all tho same to ye.'— 'Shall it be
hot OT eold ?' sais he.— 'Hot,' sais I, 'if it's all the same,
: gives ye no I rouble.'— ' Hot it shall be,' sais he; ' but
; ' havedismi ed all meservants forthenight,T'l] just step
down below for the tay-kettle ;'• and wid that he left tho
room, and was gone for a long time; and jist as he came
to the door again he knocked so loud the noise woke mo
up, and, be jahers! I missed me whiskey entirely! lie-
102 VICTUALS AND DRINK.
dad, if I had only had the sense to say ' Nate, yer Holi-
ness/ I'd a had me whiskey sure enough, and never known
it warn't all true, instead of a dranie." I knew what he
wanted, so I poured him out a glass. " Won't it do as well
now, Pat?" said 1. "Indeed it will, yer honor," says he,
"and me drame will come true, after all. I thought it
would, for it was mighty nateral at the time, all but the
whiskey."
VICTUALS AND DRINK.
MOTHER GOOSE FOR OLD FOLKS. anonymous.
: There once was a woman, and what do you think 1
She lived upon nothing hut victuals and drink;
Victuals and drink were the chief of her diet,
And yet this poor woman scarce ever was quiet."
And were you so foolish as really to think
That all she could want was her victuals and drink ?
And that while she was furnished with that sort of diet,
Her feeling and fancy would starve and be quiet ?
Mother Goose knew far better, but thought it sufficient,
To give a mere hint that the fare was deficient ;
For I do not believe she could ever have meant
To imply there was reason for being content.
Yet the mass of mankind is uncommonly slow
To acknowledge the fact it behooves them to know;
Or to learn that a woman is not like a mouse,
Needing nothing hut cheese, and the walls of a house.
But just take a man, — shut him up for a day ;
Get his hat and his cane— put them snugly away,
Give him stockings to mend, and three sumptuous meals,
And then ask him at night— if you dare — how he feels !
Do you think he will quietly stick to the stocking,
While you read the news, and don't care about talking?"
•»
HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIOT). ]G3
Oh, many a woman goes starving, I ween,
"Who lives in a palace, and fares like a queen ;
Till the famishing heart and the feverish brain
Have spelled out to life's end the long lesson of pain.
Tet stay ! To my mind an uneasy suggestion
Comes up, that there may be two sides to the question ;
That, while here and there proving inflicted privation,
The verdict must often be, " willful starvation,"
Since there arc men and women would force one to thin!:
They choose to live only on victuals and drink.
restless and craving, nnsatisfied hearts,
"Whence never the vulture of hunger departs .
How long on the husks of your life will ye feed,
1 snoring the soul and her famishing need ?
Bethink you, when lulled in your shallow content,
'Twaa 1<> Lazarus only the angels were sent;
And 'tis he to whose lips but earth's ashes are jxiven,
For whom the full banquet is gathered in heaven !
HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND.
ANOXYMorc.
In Germantown, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a
native, simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider,
kept a liquor and lager-bier saloon. Jacob was not only
■foml <>f drinking lager with bis customers, bat would not
refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or Jersey lightning, when
asked to imbibe thereof in a social way— the customer, of
course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One
WOUld not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any
possibility, bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob,
but it did, as we shall presently show.
One eventful night it was observed that Schneider bad
shut up bis saloon and gone home lull an hour earlier than
1G-4 HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WEST BLIND.
usual. Being asked, next day, what was the matter, he
told the following droll story :
" I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel,
and vas humpugged into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it.
Yer see, dree or four young shcamps gomes into mine sa-
loon, and one says to me, ' Yacob, you got some fresh
lager V I says ' yaas,' and I draws der lager ; anoder von
says he vants gards, and I prings de gards, and da Mays
gards. Pimeby noder says, 'Yacoh, old poy, let's have
some ret-eye ; and mind you, Yacob, pring an extra glass
for yourself.' Yell den, I prings der pottle of ret-eye, and
da drinks two dree dimes, and I drinks mit 'em two dree
dimes ; and I gets so tairi trunk dat I lies down on der
peuck and goes to shleep. Ven I vakes up, der room ish
dark as der tyfel, put I hears der young chaps calling der
gards; von says, ' bass !' nodder says, 'left power!— right
power !' den nodder von, ho says, ' uker'd !' and shwears
like a drooper. Da vas all Maying at der taple, shust as
da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine eyes vas nix— I could
shust see notting at all — the room vas bitch dark. So I
dinks I vas plind, and I feel pad, and I cry out, ' 0, mine
Gott ! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind !'— Den der young chaps
leaves der table and gomes vhere I vas, and makes p'leeve
da very sorry. One says, ' Poor Yacob ! you no can see-
vat vill der poor man's vamerly do !' Nodder call me poor
cuss, and says I no pusiness to trink noding stronger dan
lager. I got mat den— mat as dunder-^and I says to him,
'Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit you? I p'leeve ;
you put shtuff in der liquor to make me plind !' Den he
laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if I didn't pe a mind
to. Shust den von little poy gomes to der door mit a
lantern, and I finds out der drick da vas Maying me— I see
shust as goot as ever ! Der rascals had plow out der lights,
and make p'leeve play uker to vool me ! I told 'em 'twas
all hum pug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't light
up no more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for."
aurelia's unfortunate youxg max. 1(55
AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN.
MAUK TWAIN.
The facts in the following case came to me by letter
from a young lady who lives in the beautiful city of San
Jose ; she is perfectly unknown to me, and simply signs
herself "Aurelia Maria," which may possibly be a fictitious
name. But no matter, she, poor girl, is almost heart-
broken by the misfortunes she has undergone, and so con-
fused by the conflicting counsels of misguided friends and
insidious enemies, that she does not know what course to
pursue in order to extricate herself from the web of dif-
ficulties in which she seems almost hopelessly involved. In
this dilemma she turns to me for help, and supplicates for
my guidance and instruction with a moving eloquence that
would touch the heart of a statue. Hear her sad story :
She says that when she was sixteen years old she met
and loved, with all the devotion of her passionate nature, a
young man from New Jersey, named Williamson Breckin-
ridge Caruthers, who was some six years her senior. They
were engaged, with the free consent of their friends and
relative's, and for a time it seemed as if their career was
destined to be characterized by an immunity from sorrow
beyond the usual lot of humanity. But at last the tide of
fortune turned; young Caruthers became infected with
small-poi of the most virulent type, and when he recovered
.from his illness, his face was pitted like a waffle-mould, and
biscomelin ue forever. Aurelia thought to break off
the engagement at first, but pity for her unfortunate lover
caused her to postpone the marriage-day for a season,
and give him another trial.
The very day before the wedding was to have taken
place, Breckinridge, while absorbed In watching the Bight
ofa balloon, walked jntoa well and fractured one of his [(
and it had to be. taken off above the knee. Again Anrelia
was moved to break the engagement, but again love
16G aukelia's unfortunate young man.
triumphed, and she set the day forward and gave him
another chance to reform.
And again misfortune overtook the unhappy youth. He
lost one arm hy the premature discharge of a Fourth-of-
July cannon, and within three months he got the other
pulled out by a carding machine. Aurelia's heart was al-
most crushed by these latter calamities. She could not but
be deeply grieved to see her lover passing from her by
piecemeal, feeling, as she did, that he could not last forever
under this disastrous process of reduction, yet knowing
of no way to stop its dreadful career ; and in her tearful
despair she almost regretted, like brokers who hold on
and lose, that she had not taken him at first, before he
had suffered such alarming depreciation. Still her brave
soul bore her up, and she resolved to bear with her friend's
unnatural disposition yet a little longer.
Again the wedding-day approached, and again disap-
pointment overshadowed it ; Caruthers fell ill with the ery-
sipelas, and lost the use of one of his eyes entirely. The
friends and relatives of the bride, considering that she had
already put up with more than could be reasonably ex-
pected of her, now came forward and insisted that the
match should be broken off; but after wavering awhile,
Aurelia, with a generous spirit that did her credit, said she
had reflected calmly on the matter, and could not discover
that Breckinridge was to blame.
So she extended the time once more, and he broke his
other leg.
It was a sad day for the poor girl when she saw the sur-
geons reverently bearing away the sack whose uses she
had learnt by previous experience, and her heart told her
the bitter truth that some more of her lover was gone.
She felt that the field of her affections was growing more
and more circumscribed every day, but once more she
frowned down her relatives and renewed her betrothal.
Shortly before the time set for the nuptials another dis-
AUEELIA'.S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN. 1G7
aster occurred. There was but oue man scalped by the
Owens River Indians last year. That man was Williamson
Breckiuridge Caruthers, of New Jersey. He was hurrying
home with happiness iu his heart, when he lost his hair for-
ever, and in that hour of bitterness he almost cursed the mis-
taken mercy that had spared his head.
At last Aurelia is in serious perplexity as to what she
ought to do. She still loves her Breckinridge, she writes,
with true womanly feeling — she still loves what is left of
him, but her parents are bitterly opposed to the match,
because he has no property and is disabled from working,
and she has not sufficient means to support both comfort-
ably. "Now what should she do?" she asks with painful
and anxious solicitude.
It is a delicate question; it is one which involves the
lifelong happiness of a woman, and that of nearly two-
thirds of a man, and I feel that it would be assuming too
great a responsibility to do more than make a mere sug-
gestion in the case. How would it do to build to him !
If Aurelia can afford the expense, let her furnish her mu-
tilated lover with wooden arms and wooden legs, and a
glass eye and a wig, and give him another show ; give him
ninety days, without grace, and if he does not break his
neck in the meantime, marry him and take the chances.
It does not seem to mo that there is much risk, any way,
Amelia, because if ho sticks to his infernal propensity for
damaging himself every time ho sees a good opportunity,
next experiment is bound to finish him, and then you
are all right, you know, married or Bingle. If married, tlio
wooden legs and such other valuables as ho may possess
»rt to the widow, and you see you sustain no actual loss
save the i I fragment of a noble but unfortunate
husband, who bom rove to do right, but whoso ex-
traordinary instiii' gainst him. Try it, Maria I
I have thought the matter over carefully and well, and it
is the only chance I hoc for you. It would have been a
163 MRS. BROWN ON MODERN HOUSES.
happy conceit on the part of Caruthers if he had started
•with his neck and broken that first ; but since he has seej
fit to choose a different policy, and string himself out as
long as possible, I do not think we ought to upbraid him
for it if he has enjoyed it. We must do the best we can
under the circumstances, and try not to feel exasperated
at him.
MRS. BROWN ON MODERN HOUSES.
ARTHUR 8KETCITLEY.
Houses, indeed ! I calls 'em reg'lar ram-shackle nut-
shells, run-up rubbish, where you can't drive a nail with
safety, nor hang up a picter with comfort.
Certainly they was elegant outside, with their white
fronts and 'andsoine windows to look at ; but I never see
such glass to look through, as made things seem that
drawed out as you didn't know the postman from the pot-
boy.
As to anythin' a-fittin', there wasn't a window-frame as
didn't shake like earthquakes with me only a-walkin' across
the room ; and as to the Butlers, as lives next door but
three, they give a evenin' party as brought the floor in.
They invited me and Brown, as didn't wish for to go,
bein' one as don't hold with no goin's out through a-takin
of his pipe quiet in the front kitcheu, as is a pretty room,
bein' meant for a sittin'-room ; not as ever I fancied it,
bavin' a mouldy smell, and bein' frequent overflowed in
the spring tides.
Why ever they calls 'em spring I can't think, for we was
very near floated out twice the week afore last, and No-
vember no one can't call spring.
I'm sure the shock as that Mrs. Giddius give me I never
shall forget, as is a wrong-headed woman as ever I had in
my house, though I will say clean and honest.
It was the day after that gal left us I'd give warnin' to,
MRS. BROWX OX MODEltX HOUSES. 1G9
through her a-sayin' as she'd rather starve than eat cold
mutton, as was good enough for me.
So I had Mrs. Giddius in for half-a-day to tidy up the
place ready for the young woman as was a-comin' that
eveniu'. When I come down after puttiu' on my cap for
tea, I says to her: "Mrs. Giddius, I want you to go up
into the lumber room," as is over my bed-room, a sort o'
a cupboard in the slant of the roof, as I'd put away some
boxes in, " and pull me out a black portniauty, as I wanted
to get soraethin' out on." Up she goes, all of a bustle.
I says, "Tread light," through a-knowin' as there wasn't
no floor but lath and plasters to that cupboard. "All
right," .^ays she.
So I hearin' her a rummagin' and a pullin' the things
about, calls out, " Can't you find it ?" She says, " If you'd
come and hold the candle I could get it out," as was jammed
and crammed tight in the corner.
Up I goes and takes the candle, and there we was a-
Standin' in that cupboard as is nothin' but beams. I was
Btandin' on a beam, and Mrs. Giddins in front on me,
;t-haulin' at that portmanty like mad. Well, she gives it a
pull with all her force, as made it come out all of a sudden
like.
The jerk as she give it throwed her back agin me, as
tipped mo oil' the beam onto the lath and plaster, and
through I goes with that crash as made mo think tho
house was all about, our ears.
I truggles natural, aa any ono would, and, ketchin'
hold of Mis. Ciddins, pulls her through too.
Well, then; we was through the ceilin', with our legs
a-danglin' in my bed-room, and thai caughl as we couldn't
up, Mrs. Giddins a-screamin' like wild as she was
murdered, with tin' candle knocked out, and we might
have been there tin now, only as luck would have it,
Brown came in earlier than I expected. But, law bli
you, Ik; could do notion' for ever so long lor laughin', and
1/0 FAIiM-YAKD SONG.
when he did draw us up, if he didn't say Mrs. Giddins were
an old fuol, and me another, for not knowiu' better than to
tread on lath and plaster, as is a downright disgrace for
fioorin'.
FARM-YAKD SONG.
J. T. TBOWBKIDOE.
Over the hill the farm-hoy goes,
His shadow lengthens along the land,
A giant staff in a giant hand ;
In the poplar tree, ahove the spring,
The katydid hegins to sing :
The early dews are falling.
Into the stone-heap darts the mink ;
The swallows skim the river's hrink ;
And home to the woodland fly the crows,
When over the hill the fann-hoy goes,
Cheerily calling —
" Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co' ! co' \"
Farther, farther over the hill,
Faintly calling, calling still — -
"Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co' !"
Into the yard the farmer goes,
With grateful heart, at the close of day :
Harness and chain are hung away ;
In the wagon-shed stand yoke and plow;
The straw's in the stack, the hay in the mew,
The cooling dews are falling.
The friendly sheep his welcome bleat,
The pigs come grunting to his feet,
And the whinnying mare her master knows, .
"When into the yard the fanner goes,
His cattle calling —
" Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co' ! co' !"
While still the cow-boy, far away,
Goes seeking those that have gone astray —
" Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co !"
murphy's mystery of the pork-barrel. 171
Xow to her task the milkmaid goes,
The cattle come crowding through the gate,
Lowing, pushing, little and great ;
About the trough, by the farm-yard pump,
The frolicksome yearlings frisk and jump,
"While the pleasant dews are falling;
The new milch heifer is quick and shy,
But the old cow waits with tranquil eye ;
And the white stream into the bright pail flows,
When to her task the milkmaid goes,
Soothingly calling, —
"So, boss! so. boss! so! so! so!"
The cheerful milkmaid takes her stool,
And sits and milks in the twilight cool,
Saying, " So, so, boss! so ! so !"
To supper at last the farmer goes,
The apples are pared, the paper read,
The stories are told, then all to bed.
Without, the crickets' ceaseless song
Makes shrill the silence all night long;
The heavy dews are falling.
The housewife's hand has turned the lock,
Dn.wsily ticks the kitchen clock ;
The household sinks to deep repose,
But still in sleep the farm-boy goes,
Singing, calling—
"Co', bo !" oo', boss! co' ! co' ! coM"
And oft the milkmaid, in her dreams,
Drums in tin- pail with the Bashing streams,
MurmuruK 1 -, "So, boss! so !"
MURPHY'S MYSTERY OF THE PORK-BARREL.
ANONTMOIH.
"Murphy, what's the meaning of mystery? Faith. I
was reading tin: paper, ami it said 'twas a mystery how it
done."
" Weil," said Murphy, " Pat, I'll tache ye. Ye see, when
it
172 THE PRAYER-SEEKER.
I lived with my father, a little gossoon, they gave rue a
parthy, and me mother wint to market to buy somethin'
for the parthy to ate, and among the lot of things she hot
a half-barrel of pork, ye see. Well, she put it down in the
cellar, bless her sow], for safe keeping, till the parthy
come on, do ye see. Well, when the parthy come on,
me mother sint me down to the cellar to get some of the
pork, do ye see ; well, I wint down to the barrel and opened
it, and fished about, but not a bit of pork could I find ; so
I looked arouud the barrel to see where the pork was, and
found a rat-hole in the bottom of the barrel, where the
pork had all runout and left the brine standing, do ye see."
" Hould on, Murphy ! wait a bit ; now tell me how could
all the pork get out ov the barrel, and lave the brine
standing?"
"Well, Pat," said Murphy, "that's what I'd like to
know myself, do you see ; there's the mystery."
THE PRAYER-SEEKER.
JOHN O. WHITTIER.
Along the aisle where prayer was made,
A woman, all in black arrayed, -^
Close veiled, between the kneeling host,
"With gliding motion of a ghost,
Passed to the desk and laid thereon
A scroll which bore these words alone
Pray for me !
Back from the placo of worshiping
She glided like a guilty thing;
The rustle of her draperies, stirred
By hurrying feet, alone was heard ;
"While, full of awe, the preacher read,
As out into the dark she sped —
" Pray for me \"
Back to the night from whence she came,
To unimagiued grief or shame !
THE PRATER-SEEKER. 173
Across the threshold of that door
None knew the burden that she bore ;
Alone she left the written scroll,
The legend of a troubled soul-
Tray for rue !
Glide on, poor ghost of woe or sin !
Thou leav'st a common need within ;
Each bears, like thee, some nameless weight,
Some misery inarticulate,
Some secret sin, some shrouded dread,
Some household sorrow all unsaid —
Pray for us !
Pass on ! The typo of all thou art,
Sad witness to the common heart !
With face in veil, and seal on lip.
In mute and strange companionship,
Like thee we wander to and fro,
Dumbly imploring as wo go-
Pray for us !
All, who shall pray? sinco ho who pleads
Our want perchance hath greater needs !
Yet they who make their loss the gain
Of others, shall not ask in vain,
And Heaven bends low to hear the prayei
Of love from lios of self-despair —
Pray for us !
In vain remorse and fear and hate
Beat with brnisei hands against a fate
Whose walls of iron only move
And open to the touch of love \
He only feels his burdens fall,
Who, taught by suffering, pities all—
Pray for us !
He prayeth best who leaves nnguessed
The niv teries of another'.-; breast —
1/4 AN EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON.
Why cheeks grow pale, why eyes o'erflow,
Or heads are white, thou need'st not know.
Enough to note hy many a sign
That every heart hath needs like thine —
Pray for us !
AN EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON.
ANONYMOUS.
It was on a moonlight night that Pennypacker, while
walking by the riverside at Norristown, came across Jones
standing on the bank, in a condition of intoxication, gazing
stupidly into the water. When Jones saw Pennypacker he
said to him :
" Mizzer Bennyback'r, 'm very glad you've come. I've
been stan'in' here c'nsiderin' a moz extraordinary ph'nom'-
non."
" What is it, Jones ?"
" Moz extr'ordinary ph'nom'non th't ever came under my
obzervation, Mr. Benny backer — the moz extr'ordinary."
" What is the nature of the phenomenon, Mr. Jones ?"
" I zay, Mizzer Bennybacker, id'nez very way extr'ordi-
nary. D'you obzerve that V
Then Jones gazed and pointed into the water, putting
his head on one side and then on the other. Then he
would draw back, as if to get the phenomenon in a new
light, and finally he doubled up both fists and attempted
to look through them, and all the time he kept mutter-
ing to himself :
"Very 'stonishing zircumstance altogether. Moz re-
mark'ble freak ov nature idz ever bin my lod t'p'zerve.
Can't cound for id upon any theory whadever."
"Well, Mr. Jones, what is it that surprises you ?"
" Mizzer Bennybacker, cas' y'r eye down there. D' you
'pzerve any thin' of a 'strordinary nature?"
THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS. 175
"No, Jones, nothing ; there is nothing unusual there
that I can see."
"Thadz moz extr'ordinary zirgmnstanz ov all. Don'
you perzeive the moon down there, Mizzer Bennybacker?"
said Jones, pointing to the water.
" Certainly I do."
" Well, Mizzer Bennybacker, dozzen it strige you as
moz incompre'ns'ble ph'nom'non, now '?"
" Of course not."
"Well, Mizzer Bennybacker, you may be drunk ur you
may be zober, but in all my 'xperienze I never before
found m'zelf vorty thousan' miles 'hove the moon. Id's an
incompressible zirgumstanz, Mizzer Bennybacker, how
you an' I sh'd uv god up here an' the moon down there
without our being 'ware oFthe fagd, when I'm perfectly
am I'm not stan'nin on my head."
Then Pennypacker led Jones calmly homo and put him
to bed, and he slept off his surprise at the extraordinary
phenomenon.
THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS.
MAX ADF.LRR.
When Mr. Bangs, the elder, returned from Europe, ho
brought with him from Geneva, a miniature musical-box,
long and very narrow, and altogether of hardly greater
dimensions, say, than a large pocket-knife. The instru-
ment played four cheerful little tunes, for the benefit of
the B family, ami they enjoyed it very much. Xoung
William Bangs enjoyed it to such an extent that one day,
after the machine had been wound up ready for action,
he gol to racking the end of it, and in a moment of inad-
vertence it slipped, and he swallowed the whole concern.
The only immediate en:: equence of the action was that a
harmonic stomach-ache was at once organized upon the
interior of William Bangs, and he experienced a restlei
J/U THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS.
ness which he well knew would defy the soothing tenden-
cies of peppermint, and make a mockery of paregoric.
And William Bangs kept his secret in his own soul and
in his stomach, also determined to hide his misery from
his father, and to spare the rod to the spoiled child —
spoiled, at any rate, as far as his digestive apparatus was
concerned.
But that evening, at the supper table, W. Bangs had
eaten but one mouthful of bread, when strains of wild, mys-
terious music were suddenly wafted from under the table.
The entire family immediately groped around upon the
floor, trying to discover whence the sounds came, although
"William Bangs sat there filled with agony and remorse and
bread and tunes, and desperately asserted his belief that
the music came from Mary Ann, who might perhaps be
playing upon the harp or the dulcimer in the cellar. He
well knew that Mary Ann was unfamiliar with the harp,
and that to her the dulcimer was as much an insolvable
problem as it would have been to a fishing-worm. But
he was frantic with anxiety to hide his guilt. Thus it is
that one crime leads to another.
But he could not disguise the truth forever, and that
very night, while the family was at prayers, William Bangs
all at once got the hiccups, and the music-box started off
without warning, with "A Life on the Ocean Wave, and a
Home on the Rolling Deep," with variations. Whereupon
the paternal Bangs arose from his knees and grasped
William kindly but firmly by his hair and shook him up,
and inquired what he meant by such conduct. And Wil-
liam threw out a kind of a general idea to the effect that
he was practicing something for a Sunday-school celebra-
tion, which old Bangs intimated was a singularly thin
explanation.
Then they tried to get up that music-box, and every
time they would seize young William by the legs and shake
him over the sofa-cushion, or would pour some fresh vari-
THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS. 177
ety of emetic down bis throat, the harmonium within
would give some fresh spurt, and joyously grind out " Lis-
ten to the Mocking Bird," or "Thou'lt Never Cease to
Love."
So they abandoned the attempt, and were compelled to
permit that musical-box to remain within tbe sepulchral
recesses of the epigastrium of William Bangs. To say tbat
tbe unfortunate victim of the disaster was made miserable
by bis condition., would be to express in tbe feeblest man-
ner tbe state of his mind. Tbe more music there was in
his stomach, tho wilder and more chaotic became the dis-
cord in his soul. Just as likely as not it would occur that
while he lay asleep in bed in tbe middle of the night, tbe
melody-works within would begin to revolve, and would
play " Home, Sweet Home," for two or three hours, unless
the peg happened to slip, when the cylinder would switch
back again to "-A Life on the Ocean Wave, and a Home on
the Boiling Deep," and would rattle out tbat tune with va-
riations and fragments of the scales, until William Bangs'
brother would kick him out of bed in wild despair, and sit
on him in a wild effort to subdue the serenade, which,
however, invariably proceeded with fresh vigor when sub-
jected to unusual pressure.
And when William Bangs went to church it frequently
occurred that, in the very midst of the most solemn portion
of the sermon, be would feel a gentle disturbance under tho
lowest button of bis jacket, and presently, when everything
was bushed, the undigested engine would give a prelimi-
nary buzz, and then reed off " Listen to the Mocking Bird,"
and " Thou'lt Never Cease to Love," and scales and exer-
ea, until the clergyman would stop and glare at William
, and whisper to one of tbe deacons.
Then the sexton would suddenly tack up the aisle and
clutch the unhappy Mr. Bangs by the collar, and scud
down the aisle again to tbe accompaniment of " A Life on
the Ocean Wave, and a Homo on tho Rolling Deep."
J 78 A MULE EIDE IN FLORIDA.
But the end came at last, and the miserable offspring of
the senior Bangs found peace. One day, while he was sit-
ting in school, endeavoring to learn his multiplication table
to the tune of " Home, Sweet Home," his gastric juice tri-
umphed. Something or other in the music-box gave way
all at once, the springs were unrolled with alarming force,
and William Bangs, as he felt the fragments of the instru-
ment hurled right through and among his vitals, tumbled
over on the floor and expired.
At the post-mortem examination they found several
pieces of " Home, Sweet Home " in his liver, while one of
his lungs was severely torn by a fragment of " A Life on
the Ocean Wave."
Small pieces of " Listen to the Mocking Bird" were re-
moved from his heart and breast-bone, and three brass
pegs of "Thou'lt Never Cease to Love" were fouud firmly
driven into his fifth rib.
They had no music at the funeral. They lifted the ma-
chinery out of him, and buried him quietly in the cemetery.
Whenever the Bangses buy musical boxes now, they get
them as large as a piano, and chain them to the wall.
A MULE RIDE IN FLORIDA.
ANOKYMOUB.
The boys insisted that I needed relaxation. My health
required it. I had a pretty fair article of health, I thought,
enough to last me as long as I lived. But I must accumu-
late a stock for future use. The south was the place to get
it. And riding was healthy. The sand is too deep to ride,
except on horseback, and so I thought I would take a ride.
I applied to the livery man for a horse. He had one. He
looked sorrowfully at me, as though he pitied me. Did I
ever ride a mule ? I never had. He had as good riding
horses as were ever saddled, but if I wanted a " Rock Me to
A MULE RIDE IN FLORIDA. 179
Sleep, Mother" style of a ride, I would tako a mulo. I
don't consider myself a first-class judge of mules. I had
some vague notions in regard to them ; supposed they
would do a large amount of work with a very little feed,
and were immortal. I had read of one being driven over
the same route by the same boy, for eighty-seven years, and
he was a youug mule yet.
13riug forth the mule. The mule was brought. He was
a meek l<x -a perfect " Uriah Heep " of a mule,
so far as "umbleuess'' was concerned. At least that was
the view I took of him. He was saddled, and I mounted.
For a mile or two he paced beautifully. Y thought thoso
old monks I had read about knew what they were doing
when they traveled on mules. I had a high respect for
their judgment. Just then my mule began to show symp-
toms — symptoms of what I did not know. I found out.
Dropping his head between his legs, his heels described a
parabolic curve, or some other infernal curve, in the air,
and I got off and sat on the ground. I got off over his head,
and I did it quick. I'm not so old, but I can get off an
animal of that kind as quick as a boy. Then I looked at
the mulo, to sco if he was hurt. lie didn't appear to bo.
Then I inquired around, to see how I was. I reported an
abrasion on tho left hip, and a contusion on the lower end
of my back. Then I thought I would pronounce a left-
handed blessing on that mule, and on his forefathers and
foremothers before him, and his children after him. But I
didn't. I wondered if he would stand fire. If I had had
a pistol, I would have put the muzzle to his ear, and tried
bim. Not, thatl was hostile toward him, but I was afraid
Somebody might take a ride on bim some day and get
hurt. Hut I hail no pistol, so that benevolenl and sangui-
nary idi ; led. Then F got up and shook tho
dit off my feet, and brushedthe sand off my trousers,
as a testimony againel that place. Then I led the mule
carefully home, and stated my case to the livory man. But
180 DHREE SHKADERS.
when I looked that he should offer to send for a doctor,
or a Samaritan, to do me up iu a rag, and pour olive oil
and champagne on my bruises, he ouly laughed. Aud his
man that he had to help him laid down on a bench and
laughed— and I stood holding the mule— then I laughed.
It was ridiculous. But I've learned a little wisdom. Next
time I ride on horseback.it will be a different kind of beast
from a bogu tckass.
\
DHREE SHKADERS.
ANONYMOUS.
Dhree shkaders vent ofer mit Cendral Park,
Vent cifer vhen der moon he vas high,
Und efery von feel so gay like a lark,
As dhey dink von dhere gals dhey vood sigh.
Und shents must shkade vhen der vasser vas
Bud dhey dond vood dook dose inaits along
To dot Cendral Park mit der cidy out.
Dhree maedchens yoost shtob in a harlor togedder,
Und tanz und zing vhen der moon he vas high,
Und efery leedle vhile looked out mit der vedder,
Vhile derplack glouds valked ofer der shky.
Then shendlemans shkade der vinds ofden blows,
Yoost der same as dot nite a shtorm he arose,
Dot trofe dose shkaders mit der cidy quick pack.
Dhree olt coats vas hung mit a rack py der hall,
Und each shkader vas babby like euy young shpark,
Vhile der maedchens vas lafin und huggin dbem all ;
Dose shkaders dot comes so quick pack mit der Park.
For shendlemans shkade und maedchens may vait,
But dot nite der gals plessed fordune und fate,
Dot der vedder vas so pad der door out, und dhern
fellers vas come recht avay quick pack dhey can
mit dhere lofes dot vas vaitin of dhey shood been on
dhere houses mit 'em.
DICK & FITZGERALD,
PUBLISHERS, TCEW YORK.
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Rings, Fruit, Coin, Balls, Handkerchiefs, etc., all of which may be per-
formed in the Parlor or Drawing- Room, without the aid of any apparatus ;
also embracing a choice variety of Curious Deceptions, which may be per-
formed with the aid of simple apparatus ; the whole illustrated and clearly
explained with 121 engravings. Paper Covers. Price _ 30cts,
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts.
Book of Riddles and Five Hundred Home Amusements-
Containing a Choice and Curious Collection of Riddles, Charades, Enigma*,
Rebuses, Anagrams, Transpositions, Conundrums, Amusing Puzzles, Uueei
Sleights, Recreations in Arithmetic, Fireside Games and Natural Magic,
embracing Entertaining Amusements in Magnetism, Chemistry, Second
Sight and Simple Recreations in Science for Family and Social Pastime, il-
lustrated with sixty Engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 cts.
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts.
Book of Fireside Games. Containing an Explanation of the
most Entertaining Games suited to the Family Circle as a Recreation, such
as Games of Action, Games which merely require attention, Games which
require memory, Catch Games, which have for their objects Tricks or Mysti-
fication, Games in which art opportunity is afforded to display Gallantry,
"Wit, or some slight knowledge of certain Sciences, Amusing Forieits, Fire-
BideGames for Winter Eveuiag Amusement, etc.
Paper covers. Pricn 30 cts-
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts.
Parlor Theatricals ; or, Winter Evenings' Entertainment. Con-
taining Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Charades, or Draw-
ing-Room Pantomimes, Musical Burlesques, Tableaux Vivants, etc.; with
Instructions tor Amateurs ; how to Construct a Stage and Curtain ; how to
get up Costumes and Properties; on the "Making up" of Characters;
Exits and Entrances; how to arrange Tableaux, etc. Illustrated with
Engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 cts.
Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts.
The Book of 500 Curious Puzzles. Containing a large col-
lection of entertaining Paradoxes, Perplexing Deceptions in numbers, and
.Amushv* Tricks in Geometrv. By the author ot "The Sociable," ' The Se-
cret Out" " The Magician's Own Book." Illustrated with a great variety
of Engravings. This book commands a laree sale. It will furnish fun and
nmnscment for a whole winter. Paper covers. Price , -30 ctP
Bound iu boards, with cloth back 50 cts.
The above five books are compiled from the " Sociable " and " Magician's
Own."
The American Boys' Eook of Sports and Games. A Reposi-
tory of In and Out-Door Amusements for Boys and Youth. Illustrated
•with nearly 700 entrraviugs, designed by White, Hemck, Weir and Harvey,
and engraved by N. Orr. This is, unquestionably, the most attractive and
valuable book of its kind ever issued in this or any other country. It hat
been three years in preparation, and embraces all the sports and games that
tend to develop the physical constitution, improve the mind and heart, and
Telieve the tedium of leisure hours, both in the parlor and the field. The
Eni'Tavings are all in the finest style of art, and embrace eight full-page
ornamental titles, illustrating the several departments of the work, beauti-
fully printed on tinted paper. The book is issued in the best style.bcing
printed on fine sized paper, and handsomely bound. Extra cloth, gilt side
and back, extra gold. Price $3 50
Extra cloth, full gilt edge's, back and side $4 CJ
Pcyular Bcoks sent Tree of Postage at file Ptlc*£ uuu.jxei
•*•■ ■ ■ * ■ — — — ~ — ~ "■ ■ ~ ■ ' *"
Howard's Book of Conundrums and Riddles. Containing
over 1.400 Witty Conundrums, Queer Kiddies, Perplexing Puzzles. Ingen.
iotu Enigmas, (Jlever Charades, Curious Catches, and Amusing Sells, origin
inal and newly dressed. This splendid collection oi' curious paradoxei
will afford the material for a never-ending feast of fun and amusement
Any person, with the assistance of this book, may take the lead in enter-
taining a company and keeping them in roars of laughter for hours to-
gether. It is an invaluable companion for a Pic-nic, or Summer Excursion
•f any kind, and is just the thing to make a fireside circle merry on a long
winter's eveuing. There is not a poorriddle in the book, the majority bein^
trash and of the highest order. Paper cover, price 30 cts-
Bound in boards, cloth back, price 50 cts-
Frost's Book of Tableaux and Shadow Pantomimes.
Containing a choice collection of Tableaux or Living Pictures, embracing
Moving Tableaux, Mother Goose Tableaux, Fairy Tale Tableaux, Charade
and Pro\erb Tableaux ; together with directions for arranging the stage
eoatuming the characters, and forming appropriate groups. By Miss S.
Annie Frost. To which id added a number of Shadow Acts and Panto-
mimes, with complete stage instructions. 180 pages, paper cover.. .30 cts-
Bound ia boards, cloth back 50 c\a
tang'hin^ Gas. An Encyclopaedia of Wit, "Wisdom, and
Wind. Py Pani Slick, Jr. Comically illustrated with 100 original an.,
laughable Engravings, and nearly 500 side-extending Jokes, an 1 oth. -
thin • iat on ; and the best thir-T ^ ° it is, that everything about th
bonk is new and fresh— all new— new uDsigns, new stories, new type— n<
comic almanac stuff. Price 25 CtS-
Tue Egyptian Dream Book and Fortune-Teller. Con-
taining an Alphabetical List of iJreams, ana numerous methods of Telling
Fortunes, including the celebrated Oraculum of Napoleon Bonaparte, il-
lustrated wtfh explanatory diagrams. l(imo, boards, cloth back.
Price 40 Cts
Ned Turner's Black Jokes. A collection of Funny Stories,
Joke ., :,i. i ( kmnndrums, interspersed with Witty Sayings an i Hnmoroui
Dialog : As given by Ned Turner, the Celebrated Ethiopian Delinestol
and Lquestriau Clown. Price 10 Cta
Book of 1,000 Tales and Amusing' Adventures. Con-
taiiiing over 300 Engravings, and 450 pages. This i;; a magnificent bonk,
and is examined 1 uil of narratives and adventures. Fsiue §1 50
The Game Of Whist. Kules, Directions, and Maxims to
bt. q in playing it. Containing, also, Primary Rules for Beginners,
Explanations na for Old Players, and the Laws of tlwe Game.
Compiled Crom Hoyle and Matthews, Price 12 CtS.
ID.000 Wonderful Things. Comprising the Marvellous
ixious, Uuaint, , and Extraordinary, in all Ages
; tM ., . ,,', Ar'. Nature, and Bcii nee, including many Wonders oi &•
World, enriched with hundreds of authentic illustrations. lGmo, clot t .
gilt -nd'n sad back. Prios • $1 5"
tied Turner's Clown Joke Book. umMining tno host Joko»
and C}«ifii ..f Wit. eompossd SO I delivered l>y tun favortto K'|<n«triao Clown
and Kthiopian I losas II an, Nod Toruer. 18uio. l'rtc« 10 CtS.
Sara Slick in Search of a Wife. iamo.
I'aper ■ •.«fT, I*r1oe 75 CtS.
Uur. ql-jtbi ... 8125
Papular Books sent Free of Postage at th,e Prices Annexed,
Cards 0$ Courtship. Arranged with such aptdUonversations
that you will be enabled to ask the momentous question categorically, in
such a delicate manner that the girl will not suspect what you are at.
These cards may be used, either by two persons, or they will make lots of
fun for an evening party of young people. There are fourteen question
cards, and twenty-ejght answers — forty-two in all. Each answer will re-
spond differently to every one of the questions. The person holding the
questions either selects or draws one out, as he pleases. The answer is giv-
en by shuffling the answer cards, and then throwing one of them down pro-
miscuously. It may be a warm and loving, a non-committal, a genial as-,
senting, a cold denying, an evasive, or even a coquettishly uncertain answer
— for they are all there, besides others which it is difficult to classify. When
used in a party, the question is read aloud by the lady receiving it — she
shuffles and hands out an answer — and that also must be read aloud by
the gentleman receiving it. The fun thus caused is intense. Put up in
handsome card cases, on which are printed directions. Price 30 Cts.
Love-Making Made Easy. By Love-Letter Cards. We
have just printed a new and novel Set of Cards which will delight the hearts
of young people susceptible of the tender passion. These consist of forty-
two cards — twenty-one pink, or yellow, and the same number of white ones.
Each white card has printed on it a love-letter to a lady, and each of the
colored ones has her reply. The letters and replies are all different, and no
formality of style, or namby-pambyism, will be found in any of them. AH
are written in a modern familiar tone, with plain and candid declarations of
love — warmly or moderately expressed, or delicately hinted at, as the case
may be, and some of them boldly popping the momentous question to the
fair recipient. The answer cards are equally terse, candid and to the point.
N. B. — These cards may be also successfully used for models (either wholly
or in part) in writing to lovers or sweethearts. Put up in handsome cases
on which are printed directions. Price 30 CtS-
Fortune-Tell 5 Ilg Cards. Solutions of uncertain and intri-
cate questions velative to love, luck, lotteries, matrimony, business matters,
journeys, and future events generally, are here given in a. direct, piquant, and
satisfactory manner. They have been carefully worked out on genuine as-
trological and geometrical principles, by planetarium, and in figures, trian-
gles and curves, and are so arranged that each answer will respond to every
one of the questions which may be put. There are fourteen printed questions
and twenty-eight answer cards. If none of the questions should suit your
case, you can ask any other you please, and the proper answer will como.
These cards will also afford a fund of amusement in a party of young people.
Each package is enclosed in a card-case, on which are printed directions for
using the cards. Price '. 30 cts.
Leap- Year Cards. To enable any lady to pop the question
to the chosen one of her heart. This set of uards is intended more to make f n n
among young people than for any practical utility. There are twenty-onr
pink or yellow cards, and the same number of white ones — forty-two in ail
On each of the colored cards is a printed letter from a lady to a gentleman,
wherein the fair one declares her love, or pops the question in a humorous,
ly sentimental manner. The letters all differ in style, and in the mode of
attack. The twenty-one answers, on white cards, is where the fun come? in.
Put up in handsome cases, on which are printed directions 30 cts
Souillard*s Book of Practical Receipts. For the use of
Families. Druggists, Perfumers, Confectioners, Patent Medicine Factors,
and Dealers in Soaps and Fancy Articles for the Toilet. Compiled with
great care from receipts now in use by the most popular houses in France
and the United States. By F. A. Souillard, practical chemist.
Paper cover. Price 25 CtS-
Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed.
Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque
Orations. Also containing Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan-
tation (Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Interludes and Com-
ic Becitalions, interspersed with Dutch, Dish, French and Yankee Stories.
Compiled and edited by John F. Scott. This book contains some of the
best hits of the leading negro delineators of the present time, as well as
ruirth-provoking jokes and repartees of the most celebrated End-Men of the
day, and speciafly designed for the introduction of fun in an evening's en-
tertainment. Paper covers. Price 30 cts.
Bound in boards, illuminated 50 cts.
'Frost's Original Letter-Writer. A complete collection of
Original Letters and Notes, upon every imaginable subject of Every-Day
Life, with plain directions about everything connected with writing a letter.
Containing Letters of Introduction, Letters on Business, Letters answering
Advertisements, Letters of Recommendation, Applications for Employment,
Letters of Congratulation, of Condolence, of Friendship and P.elationship,
Love Letters, Notes of Invitation, Notes Accompanying Gifts, Letters of
Favor, of Advice, and Letters of Excuse, together with an appropriate
answer to ( aeh. The whole embracing three hundred letters and notes. By
B. A. Fuost, author of " The Parlor Stage,'' " Dialogues for Young Folks,"
etc. To which is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms alone worth
double the price asked for the book. Tins work is not a rehash of English
writers, but is entirely practical ami original, and suited to the wants ot tho
American public. We assure our readers that it is the best collection of
letters ever published in this country. Bouu* ia boards, cloth back, vith
illuminated sides. Price .' 50 cts.
Inquire Within for Anything you Want to Know ; or, Over
3,700 Facts for the People. " Inquire Within " is one of the most valuable
and extraordinary volumes ever presented to the American public, and
embodies nearly 4,000 facts, in most of which any person will 11ml instruc-
tion, aid and entertainment. It contains so many valuable recipes, that
an enumeration of thc-m requires tevenly-two columns of fine type for the
index. Dlustrated. 43G large pages. Price .$150
The Sociable ; or, One Thousand and One Home Amusement*.
Containing Acting Proverbs, 1 iramat ie Charades, Art inc Charades. Tableaux
Viva ii ts. Parlor Games and Parlor Magic, and a choice rolled ion of Puzzles,
etc., illustrate.] with nearly .' ; < m » Engravings and Diagrams, the whole being
■ fund oi never-ending entertainment. By the author of the " Magician's
Own Book." Nearly loo pages, 12 mo. cloth, gilt side stauip. Price. .$1 50
Marline's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Po-
liteness. A complete M mua] fur all those who desire to understand p-ood
b ding, the customs ol good society, and to avoid Incorrect and vulgar
halms. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct manners,
ooiivers.'it ion, dre j , introductions, rules for good behavior at Dinner Pari ies
and t lie table, with hints on wine and carving at the table; together with
Etiquette ol the Ball and Assembly Boom, Evening Parties, and theusag i
to be observed when vi itingor receiving calls: deportment in the st.e.t
and when travelling. To which is added the Etiquette of Courtship ai I
Ms and in boards, with cloth back. Prico 50 cts.
Bound a cloth, gilt hi. Ie 75 Ct8.
Day'3 American Ready-Reckoner, containing Tablea Eoi
rapid calculations of Aggregate Values, Wages, Balarie . Board, Interest
Money, i Df Timber, Plank, Board and Log Measure-
ments, with full expl how to measure them, either by the square
foot (board measure), cubic fool [timber measure), See. Bound in boards.
Price 50 ctg.
Bound iu cloth ■ 75 tU-
Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexe*.
Spencer's Book of Comic Speeches and Humorous Recita*
tions A collection of Comic Speeches and Dialogues, Humorous Prose and
Poeticil Recitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Burlesques, and Ec-
centric Characteristic f-'oliloquies and Stories. Suitable tor School Exhibi-
tions f nd Evening Entertainments. Edited by Albert J. Spencer. This
is the sest book of Comic Recitations that has ever been published, and
comm rads a large sale on account of its real merit. It is crammed full of
Comic Poetry, Laughable Lectures, Irish and Dutch Stories, Yankee Yarns,
Negro Burlesques, Short Dramatic Scenes, Humorous Dialogues, and all
kinds of Funny Speeches.
Pape*- covers. Price 30 cfe.
Bound in boards, cloth back ......50 CtS.
Marache's Manual Of Chess- Containing a description of
the Board atd the Pieces, Chess Notation, Technical Terms with diagrams
illustrating them, Relative Value of the Pieces, Laws of the Game, General
Observations on the Pieces, Preliminary Games for Beginners, Fifty Open-
ings of Games, giving all the latest discoveries of Modern Masters, with
best games and copious notes. Twenty Endings of Gaines, showing easiest
•ways of effecting Checkmate. Thirty-six ingenious Diagram Problems,
and Sixteen curious Chess Stratagems. To which is added a Treatise on
the Games of Backgammon, Russian Backgammon and Dominoes, the
"whole being one if the best Books for Beginners ever published. By N.
Marache, Chess Editor of " Wilkes' Spirit of the Times."
Bound in boards, cki'i back. Price. . . . , 50 CtS.
Cloth, gilt side , 75 CtS.
Martine's Sensible Letter Writer ; Being- a comprehensive
and complete Guide an.\ Assistant for those who desire to carry on Episto-
lary Correspondence ; CovitaTning a large collection of model letters, on th«
simplest matters of life, adapted to all ages and conditions,
EMBRACING,
Letters of Coiuiesy, Friendship and
Affection ;
Letters of Condolence and Sympathy ;
A Choice Collection of Love Letters, for
Every Sit tuition in a Courtship;
Notes of Ceremony, Familiar Invita-
linns, etc., together with Notes of Ac-
ceptance and Regret.
Business Letters ;
Applications for Employmei (, with
Letters of Recommendation, and An-
swers to Advertisements ;
Letters between Parents and Children ;
Letters of Friendly Counsel and Re-
monstrance ;
Letters soliciting Advice, Assistance
and Friendly Favors ;
The whole containing 300 Sensible Letters and Notes. This is an invalua-
ble book for those persons who have not had sufficient practice to enablj
them to write letters without great effort. It contains such a variety o£
letters, that models may be found to suit every subject. Bound in boards,
•with illuminated cover and cloth back, 207 pages. Price 50 ctsv
Bound in cloth 75 Cts,
The Perfect Gentleman. A book of Etiquette and Elo-
quence. Containing Information and Instruction for those who desire to
become brilliant or conspicuous in General Society, oi at Parties, Dinners^
or Popular Gatherings, etc. It gives directions how to use wine at table,
with Rules tor judging the quality thereof, Rules for Carving, and a com-
plete Etiquette of the Dinner Table, including Dinner Speeches, Toasts!
and Sentiments, "Wit and Conversation at Table, etc. It has also an
American Code of Etiquette and Politeness tor all occasions. Model
Speeches, with Directions how to deliver them. Duties of the Chairman
at Public Meetings. Forms of Preambles and Resolutions, etc. It is a
handsomely hound and pllt fohiroo of 335 pages.
Price ... , S\ 50
Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed."
Hillgrove's Ball-room Guide and Complete Dancing-mas.
ter. Containing a plain treatise on Etiquette and Deportment at Balla
and Parties, with valuable hints on Dress and the Toilet, together with full
explanations of the Rudiments, Terms, Figures and Steps used in Dancing,
including clear and precise instructions how to dam.~ all kinds of Quad-
rilles, Waltzes, Poikas, Redowas, Reels, Bound, Plain and Fancy Dances,
bo that any person may learn them without the aid of a teacher ; to whicb
is added, easy directions lor calling out the Figures of every dance, and *ti«
amount of Music required tor each. The whole illustrated with V. de«
scriptive engravings and diagrams. By Thomas Hillgrove, Profcosorof
Dancing.
Bound in cloth, with gilt side and back. Price .&1 00
Bound in boards, cloth back 75 Ct-3.
Wright's Book of 3,000 American Receipts; or, i,ight-
llousf of Valuable. Information. Containing over 3,000 Receipts in all the
Useful and Domestic Arts— including Cooking, Confectionery, Distilling,
Perfumery, Chemicals, Varnishes, Dyeing, Agriculture, etc. Embracing
valuable secrets that cannot be obtained from any other source. No exer-
tion or expense has been spared to make this work as comprehensive and
accurate as possible. Many Receipts will be found in it that have never
before appeared m print m this country. Some idea may be lormed of its
value in the latter respect, when it is stated that the compiler has been for
many years engageu in collecting rare and valuable Receipts from numer-
ous languages besides the English. This is by far the most valuable Ameri-
can Receipt i;o«k that has ever been published.
12mo., cloth, 359 pages. Price $1 50
The Modern Pocket Hoyle. Containing all the Games of
Skill and Chance, BS played in this country at the present time; being an
" authority on all disputed points." By " Thumps." This valuable manual
is all original, or thoroughly revised, from the best and latest authorities,
and includes the laws and complete directions for playing one hundred and
eli ven different garni s, comprising Card games, Chess, Checkers, Dominoes,
Backgammon, Dice, Billiards, and all the Field Games. 3S8 pages.
Paper covers. Price 50 cts
Bound in boards, cloth back 75 ct
Bound in cloth, gilt l ide and back $1 2ii
Richardson's Monitor of Free-Masonry. A Complete
Guide to the various Ceremonies and Routine in Free-Mason's Lodges,
I Encampments, Hierarchies, etc., in all the Degrees, whethei
. Am ient, Ineffable, Philosophical oi Hi itorical. Containing, al o,
the Ki ns. Tokens, Grips, Pas i-word ■. Decorations, Drai ery. Dress, Regalia
ail in each 1 I rofu 1j illustrated with Explanatory l-'.n-
pian ....'I,, interior oi Lodg , etc. By Jabbz Richabdboh,
A. M. Abo
Bound in paper covers. Price 75cta.
Bound and gilt SI ifi
Rarey and Knowlson'c Complete Horse-tamer and Far<>
rier' a New and Improved Edition, containing Mr. Barev's whole Secret
n\ Subduing and Breaking Viciou Hoi . together witn hie Improved
plan ,,i m Colt thi m to the Saddle, 'bo
Harness and the Hulky, with Bull to d Horse, foi Feeding
II Also, Tnr. Complkti Pabbibr; or, H Doctor; a Guide
a tnii nt of Uoi •< - in all Disi asi to which that nobli animal la
liable, beic ull ol Bfty ri n ' extensive practice of thi author,
ji,n-. i i , during his life an English Farrier ol high pooularity,
ovarii in tie: Cure ol Spavin. Ulustiateil will)
Bound in boardu, cloth back. Price '•• >•' &•• ct«
Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexe!
Book Of Household Pets. Containing valuable instructions
about the Diseases, Breeding, Training and Management of the Canary,
Mocking Bird, Brown Thrush, or Thrasher, and other birds, and the rearing
and management of all kinds of Pigeons and Fancy Poultry, Babbits, Squir-
rels, Guinea Pig», White Mice, and Dogs ; together with a Comprehensive
Treatise on the Principle and Management of the Salt and Fresh Water
Aquarium. Illustrated with 123 tine wood-cuts.
Bound in boards. Price 50 c tg.
Bound in cloth, gilt side -"..75 cts.
Athletic Sports for Boys. A Repository of Graceful Re-
creations for Youth, containing clear and complete instructions in Gymnas-
tics, Limb Exercises Jumping, Pole Leaping, Dumb Bells, Indian Clubs,
Parallel Cars, the Horizontal Bar, the Trapeze, the Suspended Ropes, Skat-
ing, Swimming, Bowing, Sailing, Horsemanship, Hiding, Driving, Angling,
Fencing and Broadsword. The whole splendidly illustrated with 194 una
wood-cuts and diagrams.
Bound in boards, with cloth back. Trice 75 ctg.
Bound in cloth, gilt side gl qq
The Play -Ground ; or, Out-Door Games for Boys. A Book of
Healthy Recreations for Youth, containing over a hundred Amusements,
including Games of Activity pud Speed ; Games with Toys, Marbles, Tops,
Hoops, Kites. Archery, Balls ; with Cricket, Croquet and Base-Ball. Illus-
trated with 124 wood-cuts. Bound in boards. Price 50 cts-
Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 Cts.
The above three books are abridged from the " American Boy's Book of
Bports and Games."
The Young Reporter ; or, Erne io Write Short-Hand. A com-
plete Phonographic Teacher, intended to afford thorough instruction to
those who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. By the aid of thia
fjrk, any person of the most ordinary intelligence may learn to write Short-
and, and Report Speeches and Sermons in a short time. Bound in boards,
with cloth back. Price 50 cts.
Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Dialogues.
Containiug a variety of Comic Recitations in Prose and Poetry, Amusing
Dialogues, Burlesque Scenes, Eccentric Orations and Stump Speeches. Hu-
morous Interludes and Laughable Farces. Designed for School Commence-
Tnents and Amatevr Theatricals. Edited by Jerome Barton. This is the
best collection of Humorous pieces, especially adapted to the parlor stage,
that has ever been published. Illuminated paper cover. Price 30 cts-
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts.
The Secret Out ; or, One TJiousand Tricks with Cards, and
ether Recreations. Illustrated with over Three Hundred Engravings. A
book which explains all the Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever
known, and gives, besides, a great many new ones — the whole being de-
scribed so carefully, with engravings to illustrate them, that anybody can
easily learn how 1*> perform them. This work also contains 240 of the best
Tricks in Legerdemain, in addition to the card tricks. 12mo., 400 pages
bound in cloth, with gilt side and back. Price $1 5d
The American Card Player. Containing: clear and compre-
hetiji ve directions for piayinsj the games of Euchre, Whiat, Bezique, All Fours
French Fours. Cribnage, Cassino, Straight and Draw Poker, Whisky Poker
and Commercial Pitch, tosether with all the laws of those Games. 150 pases,
bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 etS.
Bound, in ckitb #ilt sidb 75 CM
Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexea.
The Young Debater and Chairman's Assistant. Contain-
ing instructions how to form and conduct Societies, Clubs and other organ
ized associations. Also, full Kules of Order for the government of theii
Business and Debates ; together with complete directions How to Composb
Resolutions, Reports and Petitions ; and the best way to manage Publio
Meetings, Celebrations, Dinners and Pic-.Nies. Also instructions in Elocu-
tion, with hints on Debate. This book is compiled from our larger work
entitled "The Finger Post to Public Business." To any one who desire*
to become familiar with the duties of an Officer or Committee-man in c
Society or Association, this work will be lavaluable, as it contains niinuU
instructions in everything that pertains to the routine of Society Business
152 pages. Paper cover, price 30 cts
Bound in boards, with cloth back, price. 50 eta
Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society. Acou-i
densed but thorough treatise on Etiquette and its nsages in America.
Containing plain and reliable directions for deportment on the following
subjects: Letters of Introduction, Salutes and Salutations, Calls, Conver-
sations, Invitations, Dinner Company, Balls, Morning and Evening Par'
ties, Visiting, Street Etiquette, Riding and Driving, Travelling ; Etiquette
in Church, Etiquette for Places of Amusement ; Servants, Hotel Etiquette;
Etiquette in Weddings, Baptisms, and Funerals; Etiquette with Children,
and at the Card-Table ; Visiting Cards, Letter- Writing, the Lady's Toilet,
the Gentleman's Toilet ; besides one hundred unclassified laws applicable
to all occasions. Paper cover, price 30 ctl.
Bound in boards, with cloth back, price 50 Cta
How to Cook Potatoes, Apples, Eggs and Fish, Four Hun-
dred Different Ways. The matter embraced in this work consists of th«
combined contents of four little books which have obtained immense popu-
laritv in France and England, and which have been thoroughly revised and
adapted for American housekeepers by an American cook of gTeat experi-
ence. The work especially recommends itself to those who are otteu em-
barrassed for want of variety in dishes suitable for the breakfast table or,
on occasions where the necessity arises for preparing a meal at short notice.
Paper covers, price 30 Cts.
Uoundin boards, with cloth back, price 50 Cts.
Uncle Josh's Trunk-Full of Fun. A portfolio of first-class
Wit and Humor, and never-ending source of Jollity, Containing the rich.
ait collection of Comical Stories, Cruel Bells, Side-splitting Jokes, Humorous
Poetry, Quaint Parodies, Burlesque Sermons, New Conundrums and Mirth
Provoking Speeches ever published. Interspersed with Curious Puzzles,
Amusing Card Tricks, and Feats Of Parlor Magic. Illustrated with nearly
200 Funny Engravings. This l«><ik consists of 64 large octavo pages, and
tain* thr<-'- times as much reading matter and real fun as any other
book of the sain.) price. Qlustrated cover, printed in colors, price. . .15 cta.
The American Housewife and Kitchen Directory. This
valuable lx>.k embrace! three hundred and seventy-eight receipts for
cooking all sorts of American dishes in the mod economical manner, and,
besid.-s these, it also con) tins a great variety ol important secrets for wash *
ing, cleansing, scouring, and extracting grease, paints, stains and iron-
om cloth, muslin and lim u.
nid in ornamental paper covers, pries 30 cta
with cloth back, prl e 50 cts.
How to Cook and How to Carve. Giving plain and i aaQy
ood directions for preparii >king, with the greatest i conomr,
every kind oi dish, with complete Instructions for serving the same. 'I lua
for ii young Hous ekee per, it explains everything
i^out the art of Cooking. It is worth a dosen of expensm, French books.
I'll; SO CtS-
bound m boards, wituuioiu back, pries •• 50 cts.
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Duncan's Masonic Ritual and Monitor; or, Guide to the
Three Symbolic Degrees of the Ancient Fork Rite, Entered Apprentice, Fellow
Craft, and Master Mason. And to the Degrees of Mark Master, Past Mas«
ter," Most Excellent Master, and the Royal Arch. By Malcom C. Duncan.
Explained and Interpreted by copious Notes and numerous Engravings.
It is not so much the design of the author to gratify the curiosity of the
uninitiated, as to furnish a Guide to the Younger Members of the Order,
by means of which their progress from j.ade to grade may be facilitated.
It is a well-known fact that comparativel/tewof the fraternity are "Bright
Masons," but with the aid ot this invaluable Masonic Companion any Ma-
son can, in a short time, become qualified to take the Chair as Master of a
Lodge. Nothing is omitted in it that may tend to impart a full under*
standing of the principles of Masonry. This is a valuable book for the
Fraternity, containing, as it does, the Modern " Work " of the order. No
Mason should be without it. It is entirely different from any other Ma-
sonic book heretofore published.
Bound in cloth. Price $2 50
Leather tucks (Pocket-book Style), with gilt edges. Price 3 00
' Trumps' " American Hoyle ; or, Gentleman's Hand-book of
Games. Containing clear and complete descriptions of all the Games played
in the United States, with the American Rules for playing them ; including
Whist, Euchre, Bezique, Cribbage, All- Fours, Loo, Poker, Brag, Piquet,
Ecarte, Boston, Cassino, Chess, Checkers, Backgammon, Dominoes, Bil-
liards, and a hundred other Games. This work is designed to be an Ameri-
can authority in all games of skill and chance, and will settle any disputed
point. It has been prepared with great care by the editor, with the assist-
ance of a number of gentlemen players of skill and ability, and is not a
re-hash of English Games, but a live American book, expressly prepared
for American readers. The American Hoyle contains 525 pages, is printed
on fine white paper, bound in cloth, with beveled boards, and is profusely
illustrated with engravings explaining the different Games.
Price $2 00
Brisbane's Golden Ready Reckoner. Calculated in Dollars
and Cents, being a useful Assistant to Traders in buying and selling vari-
cus commodities^ either wholesale or retail, showing at once the amount of
value of any number of articles, or quantity of goods, or any merchandise,
either by the gallon, quart, pint, ounce, pound, quarter, hundred, yard,
foot, inch, bushel, etc., in an easy and plain manner. To which are added
Interest Tables, calculated in dollars and cents, for days and for months, aC
six per cent, and at seven per cent, per annum, alternately ; and a great
number of other Tables and Rules for calculation never before in print.
l'y William D. Brisbane, A. M., Accountant, Book-keeper, etc.
Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 35 Cts.
The Art Of Conversation. With remarks on Fashion and
Address. By Mks. Mabekly. This is the best book on the subject ever
published. It contains nothing that is verbose or difficult to understand,
but all the instructions and rules for conversation are given in a plain and
common-sense manner, so that any one, however dull, can easily compre-
hend them. 64 pages octavo, large. Price 25 cts.
Live and Learn. A Guide for all who wish to Speak and
Write correctly. Containing examples of one thousand mistakes of daily
occurrence, in speaking, writing and pronunciation.
216 pages, cloth, small octavo. Price 75 Cts-
(Sirs. Crowen's American Lady's Cookery Book. Contain-
ing over 1,200 original receipts for preparing and cooking all kinds of dishes.
The most popular Cook Book ever published.
12mo., cloth, 474 pages , • £? 00
Popular Booka sent Free of Postage at tlie Frices Annexed.
One Hundred and Thirty Comic Dialogues and Recitations.
Being Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Dialogues, and Spencer's
Comic Speeches and Dialogues, combined in one volume. This capital book
contains an endless variety of Comic Speeches, Humorous Scenes, Amusing
Burlesques, and Diverting Dialogues. It embraces French, Dutch, Irish,
Ethiopian and Yankee Stories, and from its fruitful pages may be selected
enough fun to make any entertainment or exhibition a success.
Bound in cloth. Price $1 SO
Burlesque and Musical Acting Charades. By Edmund d
Nugent. Containing ten Charades, all in different styles, two of which are
easy and. effective Comic Parlor Operas, with Music and Fianoiorte Accom-
paniments. These Plays require no scenery, and the dialogue is short, wit-
ty, and easy to learn. To each Charade will be found an introductory note,
containing "hints for its performance. Paper cover. Price 30 cts.
Bound in board:;, cloth back 50 cts 9
Twenty-Six Short and Amusing Plays for Private Theatri-
cals. Being Howard's Drawing-room Theatricals, and Hudson's Private
Theatricals, combined in one volume. This book, as the title implies, con-
tains twenty-six of the best plays that can be selected for a private theatri-
cal entertainment. It contains several amusing plays for one sex only,
and is thus adapted for the army, navy, and male or i male t'oiirdinp-schooia.
It contains plain directions for getting up a good amateur performance.
Bound in cloth. Price $1 50
Frost's School and Exhibition Dialogues. Comprising
'a Humorous Exhibition Dialogues, and Frost's Dialogues for Young
Folks, combined in one volume. By getting this excellent book, the diffi-
culty in procuring a good dialogue for a school exhibition will be entirely
overcome. It contains sixty-one good dialogm-s of every shade and variety,
and from its wcll-sioivd j.au'rs, may be selected enough original matter to
ensure the success of a score of entertainments.
Bound in cloth. Price $1 5U
Snipsnaps and Snickerings of Simon Snodgrass. A Collec-
tion of Droll and Laughable Stories. These funny and amusing stories: aro
Illustrative of Irish Drolleries and Blarney, Ludicrous Dutch Blunders,
i Yankee Tricks and Dodges, Southern Fire-Eating Braggadocio,
Bombs tot Buekerdom, Backwoods Boasting, Humors of Horse-trading,
i Comicalities, Perilous Pranks of Fighting Mi n, Frenchmen's Queer
h Shrewdness, and other phases of eccentric character that
go to make up a perfect and complete Medley of Wit and Humor. It is
really and truly the - colki a of Lively, Laughable and
Ludicrous Yarns ever pi le volume. Tnere'is not a dull
... i .( sure 'iia) it will give the most ample
satisfaction, it is also full of funny engravings. Price !£5 cts.
The Strange and "Wonderful Adventures of Bachelor But-
t/jrfly. Showing h iw his passion tor Natural Elistorj completely eradioat-
ii tender passion implant detailing his Extraor-
ry Travels, both by sea and land— bis B klrbreadth Bscapi from fire and
come over by a Widow with nini small children his won-
iir<-« with the Doctor and thi I IdleT his being Swallowed
hfterwardsi i his friend — -hi capture by Al-
ncarlytoDi ith, and then 1 ' I LUvi :
adurance ol them and other Perilsol a most extraordinary
nature. The whole illustmtfld by about 200 engravings, This booku
■«1 on fine jilm ttii neatest manner, and Is th< oheapi
SO ( (••
Popular Boobs sent Free of Postage at tho Prices annexed.
The Book of 1,000 Comical Stories ; or, Endless Repast, of
Fun. A rich banquet for every day in the year, with several courses and a
dessert. BILL OF FARE : Comprising Tales of Humor, Laughable An-
ecdotes, Irresistible Drolleries, Jovial Jokes, Comical Conceits, Puns and
Tickings, Quibbles and Queries, lion Mots and Broadgrins, Oddities, Epi-
grams, etc. Appropriately Illustrated with 300 Comic Engravings. By
the author of " Mrs. Partington's Carpet-bag of Fun."
Large 12mo., cloth. Price $1 5G
Kirs. Partington's Carpet-bag- of Fun. A collection of
over one thousand of the most Cornier! Stories, Amusing Adventures, Hide-
splitting Jokes, Cheek-extending Poetry, Funnv Conundrums, QUEER
SAYINGS OF MRS. PARTINGTON, Heart-rending Puns, Witty Repar-
tees, etc. The whole illustrated by about 150 comic wood-cuts.
12mo., 300 pages, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25
Ornamented paper covers 75 cts.
How to Behave ; or, The Spirit of Etiquette. A Complete
Guide to Polite Society, for Ladies and Gentlemen ; containing rules lot
good behavior at the dinner table, in the parlor, and in the street ; with
important hints on introduction, conversation, etc.
Price 12 Cts.
Dr. Valentine's Comic Metamorphoses. Being the second
series of Dr. Valentine's Lectures, with Characters, as given by the late
Yankee Hill. Embellished- with numerous portraits.
Ornamental paper cover. Price 75 Cts.
Cloth, gilt $i 25
Broad Grins of the Laughing- Philosopher, Being a Col-
lection of Funny Jokes, Droll Incidents, and Ludicrous pictures. By
Pickle the Younger. This book is really a good one. It is full of tha
drollest incidents imaginable, interspersed with good jokes, quaint sayings,
and funny pictures. Price 13 cts.
The Knapsack Full of Fun ; or, One Thousand Ration* of
Laughter. Illustrated with over 500 comical Engravings, and containing
over one thousand Jokes and Funny Stones. By Doesticks and othet
witty writers. Large quarto. Trice 30 Cts.
The Plate of Chowder; A Dish for Funny Fellow*. Appro-
priately illustrated with 100 Comic Engravings. By the author of " Mrs.
Partington's Carpet-bag of Fun."
12mo., paper covet. Price 25 cts.
How to Talk and Debate; or, Fluency of Speech Attained
without the Sacrifice of Elegance and Sense.
Price 1 12 Cts.
How to Dress with Taste. Containing Hints on the har-
mony of colors, the theory of contrast, the complexion, shape or height.
Price 12ct»
How to Cut and Contrive Children's Clothes at a Small
Cost. With numerous and explanatory engravings. Price 12 cts
The Young Housekeeper's Book ; or, How to Have a Good
Living upon a Small Income. Price 12 cts.
The Chairman and Speaker's Guide ; or, Rules for the Or-
derly Conduct of Public Meetings, Price,...., .• 12 cts
Popular Books sent Free cf Postage at the Prices annexed.
The Mishaps and Adventures of Obacliah Oldbuck. Where-
in f.re set forth the Crosses, Chagrins, Calamities, Checks, Chills, tl.o
Changes, Circumgyrations, by wliich his Courtship was attended. Showing
also, the issue of his suit, and his Espousal to his Lady Love. This humor-
ous and curious 1 forth with 183 comic drawings, the misfortunes
■which befell Mr. Oldbuck : and also his five unsuccessful a1 tempts to com-
mit suicide — his hairbreadth escapes from fire, water and famini — Ins all- .•-
tion i r ins poor doer, etc. To luuk over this book will make you laugh and
an't help it. Price 30 cts.
Earber's American Book of Ready-Made Speeches. Con-
taining 109 original examples of humorous and serious Speeches, suitable
for the following occasions: Presentation Speeches, Convivial Speeches,
Festival Speeches, Addresses of Welcome, Addresse i of I longratulation and
Compliment, Political Speeches, Dinner and Supper Speeches, for rials,
Assoc iatio as, etc.; Trade Banquets, etc. ; Off-hand Speeches on a variety
of subjects ; togethi r with appropriate Replies to each. To which are added,
lutions of Compliment, Congratulation and Condolence, and a variety
of Toasts and Sentiments for Public and Private Entertainments.
Paper cover. Price 30 cts.
Bound in boards, cioth back oO cts.
Allyn's Ritual of Freemasonry. Containing a Complete
Key to the following Decrees: Degree of Lutered Apprentice ; Degree of
Fellow Craft ; Decree of Master Mason ; Degree of Mark Master; Degree
of Past Master; Degree of Excellent Master ; Degree of Royal Arch;
Roy al Arch Chapter ; Degr e ot Royal Master; Degree of Select Master ;
r-Excelleut Master; Degree of Ark and Dove; Degree uj
tantino le. D rrce of Secret Monitor ; Degree of Heroine
■ ; Degree of Knights of Three Kings; Mediterranean Pass; Order
of Knights of ilie Red • i ; lerof Knights Templar and Knights of
t the Christian Mark, and Guards of the Conelave;
: the Holy I ■: The Holy and Thrice Illustrious Order of
lho ' ret Master; Perfect Master; Intimate Secretary; Provost
end - : dant of the Buildings, or Master in Israel; 1
Knights of Nine; Elected Grand Master; Sublime Enights K! I;
i M.-'^r Architect; Knights of the Ninth Arch ; Grand EL • t, Per-
fect and Sublime .Mason. Illustrated with 38 copper-plate eugravings ; to
i is added, a Key to the PI i Beta Kappa, Orange, and Odd 1-
By Avery Allyn, K. It. C. K. T. K. M., etc. 12mo, eloth.
SOOO
Charley White's Joke Book. Being a perfect Casket oi
I- iin. i lii- firsl and only work of the kind eveT published. Containing a full
<ii|Hisi' of all tlie most laughable Jokes, Witticisms, etc.. as told l\ the
celebrated Ethiopian Coi (ian, i haui.is White ; with full-page illustrn-
. i must popular characters, 94 pages. Price ■ -iH cu.
Black Wit and Darkey Conversations. By Charles
White. Containing a large collection of laughable Anecdotes. J<
es, Witticism! and Darkei ' onvcrsatlons. Dlastrated with cuts of
iliaa in bis best delineations 12 cts.
Mother Shipton's Fortune Teller; or, Future Fate foretold
Being the 900 A i Pythagoras to the Questions of
Uerived from the Mystic Numbers and Lottcrs of the
Planets. Containing the Kmblematio and Mystical Wheel of Fortune and
beautifully colored. Also, containing the Moon dcvilinntt-
mi Mankind, coi in the dm) ancient anthi bj the
Astrologer of the 19th Century. 10mo, 115 |i>v s. Qluminnted pnper
r .;0(t.
nnpi
6 CI
Popnlcx Boois sent Free :f Po:tage at the Prices annexed.
Day's Book-keeping Without a Master. Containing tho
Rudiments of Book-keeping in Single and Double Entry, together with the
proper Forms and Rules for opening and keeping Condensed and General
Book Accounts. This -work is printed in a beautiful script type, and hence,
combines the advantages of a handsome stylo of writing with its very sim-
ple and easily understood lessons in Book-keeping. It presents a facsimile
of a handsomely written set cf account books — on a small scale, it is true,
but very neat "and pretty. This will enable the learner to improve his
hand-writing, whilo perfecting himself as an expert, or first-class account-
ant — which Is done by frequent practice. The book cxliibits all the differ-
ent forms of Accounts, Balance Sheets, Trial-Balance, Commercial and
Monetary Letters, Drafts, Notes, Credits, Orders, Inquiries, Replies, etc.,
etc., arranged in tho script type exactly as they should be written for busi-
ness purposes. This feature makes the work invaluable as a book of refer-
ence. Tho several pages have explanations at the bottom, to assist tho
learner, in small type. As a pattern for opening book-accounts it is especi-
ally valuable — particularly for those who are not well posted in the art.
Day's Book-keepixg is the size of a regular quarto Account Book, and is
made to lie flat open, for convenience in" use. Price 50 Cts-
Blank Books for Day's Book-keeping 1 . "We have for sale
Books of 96 pages each, ruled according to the patterns mentioned on pngo
3 of Day's BooK-KKF.i'lXG, suitable for practice of the learner, viz.: No. 1—
lor General Book-keepinsr, pages 4 and 5; for Cash Account on page 13 j
for Day Book in Single Entry, pages 15 to 25. No 2 — For Condensed Ac-
counts, pages 9 and 10 ; for Cash Accounts, page 12 ; for Journal in Double
Entry, pages 34 to 43. No. 3 — For Ledgers in Double or Single Entry,
pages 26 to 44. Price, each 50 Cts.
How to Write a Composition. This original work will
be found a valuable aid in writing a composition on any topic. It lays
down plain directions for the division of a subject into its appropriate heads,
and for arranging them in their natural order, commencing v ith the simplest
theme and advancing progressively to the treatment of more complicated
subjects. The u*e of this'excollent hand-book will save the student the
many hours of labor too often wasted in trying to write a plain composition.
It affords a perfect skeleton of each subject, with its headings or divisions
clearly defined, and each heading filled in with the ideas which the subject
suggests ; so that all the writer has to do, in order to produce a good com-
position, is to enlarge on them to suit his taste and inclination.
Bound in boards, cioth back. Price '. 50 Cte.
Uugent's Burlesque and Musical Acting- Charades. Contain-
ing ton Charades, all in different styles, two of which are easy and effective
Comic Parlor Operas, with Music and Pianoforte Accompaniments. Theso
Plays require no scenery, and the dialogue is short, witty, and easy to learn.
To each Charade will be found an introductory note, containing hints for its
performance. Paper cover. Price '. 30 Cts.
Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts.
Snir.snaps and Snickerings of Simon Snodgrass. These
funny and amusing stories areilhistrative of Irish Drolleries. Ludicrous Dutch
Blunders. Yankee Tricks and Lodges, Backwoods Boasting, Negro Comi-
calities, Perilous Pranks of Fighting Men, Frenchmen's Queer Mistakes,
and other phases of eccentric character to make a complete Medley of Wil
and Humor. Full of ftmny engravings. Price 25 cts.
The Strange and Wonderful Adventures of Bachelor But-
terfly. Showing his Hairbreadth Escapes from fire and cold —
his being come over by a "Widow with nine small children — and his firm
endurance of these and "other perils of a most extraordinary nature. Tho
whole illustrated by about 200 engravings. Price 30 Cts.
Popular Books Sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed.
Howard's Recitations, Comic, Serious and Pathetic. Being a col-
lection of fresh Recitations in Prose and Poetry, suitable for Anniversaries,
Exhibitions. Sociables and Evening Parties. ISO pages. li',ino.
Paper Cover 3>.ct£. Bound in Boards 50cts.
frost's New Book of Dialogues. Being an entirely new and
original series of Humorous Dialogues, designed for performance at School
Anniversaries and Exhibitions. lbO pages. Paper Covers 3Ucts.
Bound in Boards 50ctS,
frost's Dialogues for Young Folks. A collection of Original,
Moral and Humorous Dialogues, adapted to the use of School and Church
Exhibitions, Family Gatherings and Juvenile Celebrations on all occasions.
A few of the Dialogues are long enough to form a sort of little drama that
■will interest more advanced scholars, while short and easy ones abound for
the use of quite young children. Paper Cover iiOcta.
Bound ill Boards, with Cloth Backs, Side in Colors 50e!S.
Frost's Humorous and Exhibition Dialogues. This is a col-
lection of Sprightly Original Dialogues, in Prose arid Verse, intended to ba
Bpoken at School Exhibitions. Some of the pieces are for boys, somo for
pirlB. while a number are designed to be used by both sexes. ISO pages.
Paper Covers 30ct3. Bound in Boards 50ct3
French Seif-Tausrht. A. new system on the most simple prin-
ciples for Universal Si If -Tuition, with English Pronunciation of every word.
By Etiamz Tuimm. XTice 25cts-
German Self-Taught. "Uniform with "French Self-Taugbt."
By F&ua Tuimm. Price 25ct3.
Spanish Self-Taught. Uniform with " French Self-Taught. '
By 1'UASZ Thimm. Price 26cts.
Italian Belf-Taught. Uniform with "French Self-Taught."
By Peahz Thuui, Price 25cts.
Franz Thimm's Modern Languages. Being tbo abovo four
works bound together in cloth, 16mo. Price $1.50
The Banio, and How to Play It. Containing, In addition to
the Elementary Study, a choice collection of Polkas, Waltzes, Solos. Bchot-
qm, Bono, Hornpipes, Jigs, Beele,&e.; with fall explanations of both
i , " and "Ottitar" style* of execution, and designed to impart a
t the Art iii Playing the Banjo prautii illy, without tbo
ai, i tier. By Fan i urvBHSB. author of tba "Banjo without a
Master." lOtuo. Bound in Boards, with Cloth Back 50ctS.
Sow to Speak in Public; or, the Art (*f Extempore Oratory. A
valuable manual for those who desire to become ready, off-hand speakers.
25c. s.
How to Shine in Society: or, the • f Conversation. C
nciples, laws, and general UHi;:is of polite society. II
25cts.
The Athlete's Gnido. A.1 WtJkiiig, Running, and
. inoi-
it - ;;;, w.th m1<. U hi ■ : the llvi ol th< moil 1 1
By W. E. Hanorjio. Ex-Champion, lamo, cloth. Pnca.fiUcta
Jludson's Private Theatricals for H
collection of Humorous Plays suitaole for an A
Popular Ecolis seat Free of Postage at the Pries? annexed.
Howard's Book of Brav/ing-Itoom Theatricals. A collec
lion of twelve short and amusing plays in one act and one scene, specially
adapted for private performances ; with practical directions, lor their
preparation ami management. .Some of the plays are adapted lor per-
formers of ojc sex only. This book is just what is wanted by those who
purpose getting- up an entertainment of private theatricals : it contains all
the necessary instructions for insuring complete success. 180 pages.
Paper cover. Price 80 ct&
.Bound in boards with cloth back 50 ctsJ
Home Performance. A
Amateur Entertainment, with
directions how to carry out a performance successfully. Some of the pla? 3
vi this collection are adapted for performance by males only, others requirs
only females for the cast, and all of them are in one scene and one act, and
may be represented in any moderate sized parlor, without much prepara-
tion of costume or scenery. 180 pages.
Paper covers. Price .30 ctS'
Bound in boards with cloth back 50 cti
The Art of Dressing Well. By Miss S. A. Frost. Tb.ia
book is designed for ladies and gentlemen who desire to make a favorable
impression upon society, and is intend ed to meet the requirements of any
season, place, or time : to offer such suggestions as will be valuable to those
iust entering society ; to brides, for whose guidance a complete trousseau
la described : to persons in mourning ; indeed, to every individual who jiaya
attention to the important objects of economy, style, and propriety of cos-
tume. 188 pages.
Paper covers. Price 30 CtS
Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts
Eow to Amuse an Evening Party. A complete collection
of Home P.. creations, including Pound Uames, Forfeits, Parlor Magic,
Puzzles, and Comic Diversions ; together with a great variety of Scientific
Recreations and Evening Amusements. Profusely illustrated with nearly
two hundred fine woodcuts. Here is family amusement for the million.
Hero is parlor or drawiug-room entertainment, night after night, lor a
whole winter A young man with this volume may render himself the b-ou
ideal of a delightful companion at every party. He may take the lead in
amnsimr the companv, and win the hearts of all the ladies, and charm away
the obduracy of the stoniest-hearted parent, by his powers of entertainment.
Bound in ornamental paper cover. Price 30 Cts.
Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS-
Jfartine's Droll Dialogues and Laughable Recitations,
By Arthur Martine, author of " Martine's Letter- Writer," etc., etc. A
collection of Humorous Dialogues, Comic ltecitations, Brilliant Burlesques,
Spirited Stump Speeches, and Ludicrous Earces, adapted for School Cele-
brations and Home Amusement. 188 pages.
Paper rovers- Price 30 ct*>
. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts»
Frost's Humorous and Exhibition Dialogues This is a
collection of sprightly ori-inal Dialogues, in Prose and Verse, intended to
be spoken at School Exhibitions. Some of the pi. ces are for boys, some for
girls, while a number are designed to be used by both sexes. The Dialogues
are all good, and will recommend themselves to those who desire to have
innocent fun— the prevailing feature at a school celebration. 180 pa™<s.
Paper cover. Price c .- 30 rtg.
Bound in boards 50 ta
*,
Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed.
What Shall We Do To-Night? or, Social Amusements for
i: ning Parties. This Elegant Book affords an almost inexhaustible
fund of Amusement for Evening Parties, Social Gatherings, ;md all Fes-
tive Occa uiously grouped together so us to furnish complete and
ing entertainment for fwentusix Evenings. Its repertoire em-
braces ail the best Round and Forfeit Games, clearly described and ren-
1 perfectly plain by original and amusing examples ; interspersed with
a great variety of Ingenious Puzzles, Entertaining Tricks, and Innocent
; new and original Musical and Poetical Pastimes, Startling Illu-
sions, and Mirth-provoking Exhibitions ; including complete directions and
text for performing Charades, Tableaux, Parlor Pantomimes, the world-
renowned Punch and Judy, Gallanly Shows, and original Shadow Panto-
mimes; also, full information for the successful performance of Dramatic
Dialogues and Parlor Theatricals, with a selection ol Original Plays, etc.,
written expressly for this work. It is embellished with over one hundred
irrptive and explanatory engravings, and contains 3C6 pages, printed
on lino toned paper, l^rno, "bound iu extra cloth §2.09
HOW To Conduct a Debate. A Series of Complete Debates,
Outlines of Debates, and Questions for Discussion ; with references to tlio
best sources of information on each particular topic. In the Complete
Debates, the questions for discussion arc defined, the debate formally
opened, an army of brilliant arguments adduced on either side, and the
[tling to Parliamentary usages. The second part con-
sists of Questions for Debate, with beads of arguments, for and against,
given in a condensed form for the speakers to enlarge upon to suit their
own fancy. In addition to these arc a large collection of good Debatable
lions. The authorities, to he referred to for information, being given
at the close of every debate throughout the work. By Frederic Bowton.
232 pages, l6mo, paper cover 50 els.
Bound in boards, cloth back 75 CtS.
McBride's Comic Dialogues for School Exhibitions andLtt-
Entertainments. A collection of original Bnmorous Dialogues, es-
pecial]] designed for the development and display of Amateur Dramatic
fahaii, and introducing a variety of sentimental, sprightly, comic, and
genuine Yankee characters. By ll. Elliott McBride. iihno, illuminated
paper cover 30 Cts.
Bound in hoards 50 Cts.
The Fireside Magician; or. The Art of Natural Magic made
I. a y — being a familiar and scientific explanation of Legerdemain, Physi-
cal imusement, Recreative Chemistry, Diversions with Cards, and of all
the minor mysteries of Mechanical Magic, with feats as performed in pub-
lic by Herr Alexander and Robert Houdin. 133 pages, L6mo, illumi
i cover ,. 30 cts:.
I iu boards, cloth back 50 CtS.
Frost's Original Letter- Writer, <><"' Laws and By-Laws of
Society Combined. B ote collection ol oi I
every imagtri ! d of overy-dnylifc, end a
condenxed hut thorough trontise on Etiquette u
work iiiclui synonyms especially adapted for th
I'.v S. '• i,i ]i mo, i loth,
C1.50
Row's Complete Fractional Ready Reckoner. For bivy-
ing and selling nnv kind oft the fractional parti ol a
pound, yard, etc . From one quarter to one thou and, at any price from one-
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Compiled and edited by John F. Scott. This book contains some of the
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Letters of Contrratulation, of Condolence, of Friendship and Relationship,
Love Letters, Notes of Invitation, Notes Accompanying Gifts, Letters of
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answer to each. The whole embracing three hundred letters and notes. By
B. A. Frost, author of " The Parlor Stage,'' " Dialogues for Young Folks,"
etc. To which is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms alone worth
double the price asked for the book. This work is not a rehash of English
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Inquire Within for Anything you Want to Know ; or, Over
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embodies nearly 4,000 facts, in most of which any person will find instruc-
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etc., illustrated with nearly 300 Engravings and Diagrams, the whole being
a fund of never-ending entertainment. By the author of the " Magician's
Own Book." Nearly 400 pages, 12 mo. cloth, gilt side stamp. Price. .$1 50
Martina's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Po-
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breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vulgaf
habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct manners,
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and the table, with hints on wine and carving at the table ; together with *
Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evening Parties, and the usages*
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Marriage. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 Ci&
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Day's American Beady-Reckoner, containing Tallies for
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new beginners in fashionable life. This book is entirely different from
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how to conduct yourself in every position in society. This book also contains
over 300 sensible letters and notes suitable to every occasion in life, nud is
probably the best treatise on Letter -w riling that has ever been printed. It
, gives easily understood directions that arc brief and to the point. It has
. some excellent model letters of friendship and business, and its model
Love Letters are uneqnaled. If any lady or gentleman desires to know
how to begin a love correspondence, this is just the book they want. This
volume contains the same matter as " Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette,"
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books bound together ia one substantial volume of 373 pages §J1 5 J
Row's National Wages Tables. Showing at a glance (ho
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Jack Johnson's Jokes for the Jolly. A collection of An-
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Mirthful " for the Melancholy. Providing a sura ■' orsad-
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I2g pages, 16mo, Qlnminated paper cover 25
Day's Conversation Cards. •' New Original Set, Compris-
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I ' ■/!!,!. i
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The American Homo Cook Book. Containing several hun-
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Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 CtS.
Bound in paper covers. Trice 30 Ct3,
Amateur Theatricals and Fairy-Tale Dramas. A collection
of original plays, expressly designed for Drawing-room performance. 13y
S. A. Frost. This "work is designed to meet a want, which has been long
felt, of short and amusing pieces suitable to the limited stage ot the private
parlor. The old friends of fairy-land will be recoguized aiuong tiie Fairy-
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Paper covers. Price 30 CtS.
Bound in boards, 'with cloth back 50 CtS.
Parlor Tricks "With Cards. Containing explanations of
Tricks and Deceptions -with Playing Card.s, embracing Tricks with Cards
performed by Sleight-of-hand, by the aid of Memory, Mental Calculation
and Arrangement of the Cards, by the aid of Confederacy ; and Trick3
performed by the aid of Prepared Cards. The whole illustrated and made
plain and easy, with 70 engravings. This book is an abridgment of our
large -work, entitled " The Secret Out."
Paper covers. Price 30 ctS-
Bound in boards, -with cloth back 50 CtS>
Chesterfield's Letter-writer and Complete Book of Eti-
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Also, Model Correspondence in Friendship and Business, and a great variety
of Model Love Letters. This work is also a Complete Book of Etiquette.
There is more real information in this book than in half a dozen volumes
of the most expensive ones.
Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 35 CtS.
Frank Converse's Complete Banjo Instructor. Without a
Master. Containing a choice collection of Banjo Solos, Hornpipes, Reels,
Jigs, Walk Arounds, Songs, and Banjo Stories, progressively arranged and
plainly explained. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 CtS.
The Magician's Own Book. Containing several hundred
amusing~Sleight-of-hand and Card Tricks, Perplexing Tuzzles, Entertain-
ing Tricks and Secret Writing Explained. Illustrated with over 500 wool
engTavings. 12mo., cloth, gilt side and back stamp. Price 3150
North's Book of Love Letters. With Directions how to
write and when to use them, and 120 specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers
of anv age and condition, and under all circumstances. Interspersed with
the author's comments thereon. The whole forming a convenient hand-
book of valuable information and counsel for the use of those who need
friendly guidanoo and advic-e in matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage.
By Ingoi.tjsey Nor.TH. Tins book i3 recommended to all who are from any
cause in doubt as to the manner in which they should write or reply to let-
ters upon love and courtship. The reader will be aided in his thoughts— he
will see where he is likely to please and where to displease, how to begin
and how to end his letter, and how to judge of those nice shades of expres-
sion and feeling concerning which a few mistaken expressions may create
misunderstanding. All who wi«hnot only to copy a love letter, but to'. earn
the art of writing them, will find North's book a very pleasant, sensible and
irirn.lly companion. It is an additional recommendation that thevnri.ty
offered is verv large. Cloth. Price 75 rt3.
Jk . a 1 iu boards 50 tJi,
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The Courtship and Adventures of Jonathan Homebred;
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with amusing engravin
Price £1 58
The Wizard of the North's Hand-Book of Natural
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Ai. d Lovers of the Art. By Professor J. H. Anderson,
t the North.
Price 25ctr.
Ihe Encyclopaedia of Popular Songs. Being a compi
ia of all the new and . i Patriotic, Sentimental, Ethiopian,
Humorous, Comic and Convivial Songs, the whole comprising over 400
songs.
no., cloth, gilt. Price gl 25
Tory Pastor's Book of 600 Comic Songs and Speeches.
og an entire collection of all the Humorous Bongs, Btump Speeches,
Burlesque Orations, i'unuy Scenes, Comic Duets, 1 .. . rl Qg and
-ung and given by the unrivaled Comic \ id Stump
tOT, '1. H 1 1-1.-
Bo ind in boards, cloth back CI 00
Yale College Scrapes; or, Hm ihe Boys Go*ita', New 11
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mous " Scrapes " and " Sprees," of which students at Old Yaie have been
■ I v lor the last quarter of a century.
Price '. 25cts.
The Comic English Grammar; or, A Complete Grammar of
■ itli about lift;
.rigs. Price 25 eta.
The Comical Adventures of David DufHcks. Illustrated
i one hundred Funn age. Targe octavo.
Price 25 cts.
Anecdotes of Love. Being a true account of the most re-
i] y cii Love in all Af ..iong
, cloth. Price $1 50
Tony Pastor's Complete Budget of Ccmic Songs. Con-
nection of th" New and (
-
Cloth, gilt. 81 25
Tue Laughable Adventures of Messrs. Brown, Jones and
Robin* y wenl : what they did
most th. . in
30 eta.
Do Wahlen's Bail-Room Companion:
Easy.
5 ,;
Popular Song Books, sent Free of Postage. Price Ten Cents each.
NEW SONG BOOKS.
This list of Song Books contains all kinds of Songs, embracing Love, Senti
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Dutch Songs, besides a great variety of Stump Speeches Burlesque Orations,
Plantation Scenes, Irish, Dutch, and Yankee Stories, Comic Recitations, Cc
nundrums and Toasts.
BARRY RICHMOND'S MY YOUNG WIFE AND I SONGSTER lOCta
BARRY ROBINSON'S DON'T YOU WISH YOU WAS ME SONGSTER.10 "
J >HNNY WILD'S WHAT AM I DOING SONGSTER 1C "
BUELL'S KU-KLUX-KLAN SONGSTER 10 "
FRANK KERN'S PRETTY LITTLE DEAR SONGSTER 10 "
HARRY RICHMOND'S NOT-FOR-JOSEPH SONGSTER 10 "
DAVE REED'S SALLY-COME-UP SONGSTER 10 "
THE ROOTLE-TUM TOOTLE-TUM TAY SONGSTER 10 "
SAM SLICK'S YANKEE SONGSTER 10 "
CHAMPAGNE CHARLEY SONGSTER 10 "
„uNNY ENGEL'S DEAR LITTLE SHAMROCK SONGSTER BO "
BILLY EMERSON'S NEW COMIC SONGSTER 10 "
BERRY'S LAUGH AND GROW FAT SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S BOWERY SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S WATER-FALL SONGSTER 10 ?«
TONY PASTOR'S 414 COMBINATION SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S OPERA-HOUSE SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S CARTE DE V1SITE SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S GREAT SENSATION SONGSTER 10 "•
TONY PASTOR'S OWN COMIC VOCALIST 10 "
TONY PASTOR' SCOMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 "
TONY PASTOR'S UNION SONGSTER 10 "
PADDY'S THE BOY SONGSTER 10 "
BONNY DUNDEE SONGSTER 10 "
WILL CARLETON'S DANDY PAT SONGSTER 10 1"
BILLY EMERSON'S NANCY FAT SONGSTER 10 "
HOOLEX'S OPERA HOUSE SONGSTER 10 "
SAM SIIARPLEY'S IRON-CLAD SONGSTER 10 "
JOE ENGLISH'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER , 10 "
RODY MAUUiRE'S COMIC VARIETY SONGSTER 10 "
HARRY PELL'S EBONY SONGSTER 10 "
FRANK BROWER'S BLACK DIAMOND SONGSTER 10 "
FRANK CONVERSE'S OLD CREMONA SONGSTER 10 "
NELSE SEYMOUR'S BIG SHOE SONGSTER 10 "
THE LANIGAN'S BALL SONGSTER 10 "
TOM MOORE'S IRISH MELODIES 10 "
BILLY HOLMES' COMIC LOCAL LYRICS..- 10 "
FATTIE STEWART'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 "
CHRISTY'S BONES AND BANJO SONGSTER 10 "
GEORGE CHRISTY'S ESSENCE OP OLD KENTUCKY 10 "
CHRISTY'S NEW SONGSTER AND BLACK JOKER 10 "
THE CONVIVIAL SONGSTER 10 "
BEART AND HOME SONGSTER 10 "
BjB HART'S PLANTATION SONGSTER 10 "
^.LLY BIRCH'S ETHIOPIAN SONGSTER 10 "
"D IE SHAMROCK; OR. SONGS OP IRELAND 10 "
21 PRISON'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 "
THE CAMP-FIRE SONG BOOK 10 "
THE CHARLEY O'M ALLEY IRISH SONGSTER 10 "
FRED MAY'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 "
'HE LOVE AND SENTIMENTAL SONGSTER 10 "
THE IRISH BOY AND YANKEE GIRL SONGSTER 10 "
THE FRISKY IRISH SONGSTER 10 "
G"OS SHAW'S s'OMIC SONGSTER 10 "
WOOD'S MINSTREL SONG BOOK 10 "
WOOD'S NEW PLANTATION MELODIES "i "
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*>..— — — ■ — — _
Spayth's Draughts or Checkers for Beginners. Being a
com prehe nsive Guide for those who desire to learn the Game. This treatise
was written by Hem.y 6fay*h, the celebrated player, and is by tar tho
■ i omplete and instructive elementary work on Draughts ever published.
profusely illustrated with , is of ingenious stratagems, curious
positions, and perplexing problems, and contains a great variety of inter-
ing and instructive Games, progressively arranged and clearly explained
with notes, so that the learner may easily comprehend them. With the
. of this valuable Manual, a beginner may soon master the theory.!'
ckers, and will only require a little practice to become proficient in tho
ijaoie. Cloth, gilt side. Price 75 c tg.
The Reason Why of General Science. A careful collec-
iae thousands of Reasons for things, which, though generally
km Stood. Being a book of Condensed Sci-
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son . er had the advantage of a liberal education may, by the
aid quire know ich the study of years only would
impart in the ordinary course. It explains everything in Science that ran
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ume Ol s, bound in muslin, gilt, and illustrated with numerous
wood-ci , §1 50
Le Walden's Eali-room Companion ; or, Dancing Made
implete Practical In in the art of I 1 .ntaimng
all! le and approved Dan dling the Figures,
etc. By K.Mii.i: Dk "Waujen, Teacher of Dancing! this book gives in-
Buaiments and Positions, Bows and Courtesies,
, Quadrilles, Waltzes, Minuets, Jigs, Spanish Dances, Pol-
ka, . Deux Temps, Danish, Redowa, ne, Hop,
etc., together with all t and Quadrilles in vogue, tti
is for all th of the celebrab ["German"
or Cotillion. Bound in bo iback. Price 50 Cts-
The Game of Draughts, or Checkers, > Ex-
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I ated in red. Containing the Eight
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together with many original ones never beloi ued.
Bound in cloth, with flexible covers. Trice 50 ctfl.
Courteney's Dictionary of Abbreviations; Literary, Scien-
tific, Commei I, Military, Naval, Legal and Medi ■'. A
book of 1 for Vlie solo: ivs-
I'.v Edward - : jq. Tins is a verj u eful 1
Everybody sho a copy. Price •-••12cts.
How to Detect Adulteration in Our Daily Food and Drink,
\ upon arti
'.-. il h full llrectf. d :
and inex] 1
' 12 ctu,
Blunders in Behavior Corrected. A Coi Code of D
12 eta-
" It will polish and renni ( "-■
five Hundred French Phrase3. . ' for those who
ukj ik and wi Price ._
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This book is DUE on the last
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Le MarchardV, Tortune Teller and Dream Book, --- 85
Tbo Young Reporter; or, How to Write Short Hand, 50
Brisbane's Golden Ready-Reckoner,
35
The American Hoyle; or, Gentleman's Book of Games, ,3 00
The Book of Biddies, and 500 Amusements, - 50
The Parlor Magician, 200 Illustrations, 60
Parlo.- Tricks with Cards, 50
Hillgr ve's Ball Boom Guide, - 75
PettengilTj Fortune Teller and Dream Book, -—35
Chesterfield's Etiquette and Letter Writer combined, ..-35
Fontaine's Golden Wheel Dream Book and Fortune Teller, 85
Everlu -"ting Fortune Teller and Magnetic Dream Book, --- -30
100 Gabblers' Tricks with Cards Exposed, 30
Willis' Etiquette and Usages of Society, 13
Richardson's Monitor of Freemasonary, 1*5
The Perfect Gentleman ; ?r, Etiquette and Eloquence. 1 50
The Ladies' Fortune Teller of Love, Courtship, and Marriage, 30
How k- Play Whist, Euchre, Loo, and Poker, 13
Eor£- Taming, as practiced by J. H. Rarey, 13
Know! =3on's ' o^iple le Tarrier and Horse Doctor, - 13
Al-Ma-Kan-Tur Circle ; or, How to Win a Sweetheart or Lover,— 25
Book of Fireside Games for Home Amusement, 50
Book of 500 Curious Puzzles, with 100 Hlustrations, -50
The Secret Out ; or, 1,000 Tricks with Cards, 1 50
How to Mix Drinks, containing 800 Recipes, 2 56
Chesterfield's Art of Letter- Writing Simplified, 13
The Lawt of Love ; or, How to Conduct a Courtship, 30
B' v to Woo and How to Win ; or, Rules for Courtship, 13
Bridal Etiquette, with Rules for Bridesmaids, 13
How to Behave; or, The Spirit of Etiquette, 13
Mind Your 8tops ; or, Punctuation Made Plain, 13
Dictionary of 3,000 Abbreviations, 13
Blunders in Behavior Corrected — 13
Ho Talk and Debate, 13
Lao. 'idetn Beauty, containing over 500 Recipes, 25
Ladie» ,. Jde to Crochet Cloth, Gilt, -1 25
The American Horns Cook Book,- 30
Live and Learn; or, 1,000 Mistakes in Speaking and Writing
Corrected, 75
Morgan', Freemasonary Exposed and Explained, 25
Boxing Made Easy, and How to Wrestle, 13
Courtship Made Easy ; or, the Art of Making Love fully Explained, 13
Ladies' Guide to Beauty. By Lola Montez,- - 75
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The Game of Checkers Simplified and Explained,
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