i ~\ ORAMATSC Mzy* roKyz m \g^_ U1CK& FITZGERALD PUBLISHLRS. * That 01 List tot press, s can hai is rece»i The ] occur TIS. terioi of qu smaii Price The I in am get al A r>c} Ellen ing nc vividl and f closel' THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES red. tola in Ifiia mail or ex- it, want you, ame day ? in NtW tures of a I romance at city, m near Hjo • ■ -25 cts. i which • M. Cdb- of a mys- o all sorts :er, to the • ••25cts. • of life no homes boys, etc. • • "25 cts. excit- polis. It m of vice, pages of •••25 cts. The Orphan Seamstress. A Narrative of Innocence, Guilt Mystery and Crime. By the author of " Caroline Tracv." This narrative oi events in Jsew York is especially interesting, as it alludes to incidents which every newspaper reader must remember. Price 25 cts Clarence Bolton. A New York story, with city life in all its phases. This is one of those fascinating tales of city life that irives an insight into every class of society. Price .-25 fits Grace Weldon ; or, 27ie Pretty Milliner. This is a story about the Sewing Girls of Boston. Full of fun and adventure. Anv person who desires to read a lively story should not fail to get this work. Price oc 25 Cts. Chips from Uncle Sam's Jack-knife. Illustrated with over 100 Comical Engravings, and comprising a collection of over 500 Laughable Stones, Fanny Adventures, Comic Poetry, Queer Conundrums Terrific Puns, "Witty Sayings, Sublime Jokes and Sentimental Sentences. The whole bemc? a most perfect portfolio for those who love to laugh. .Large octavo. Price 25 ct» Popular Books srat Free of Postag9 at the Prices annexed, i ^, Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Dialogues, Containing a variety of Comic Eecitations in Prose and Poetry, Amusing Dialogues^ Burlesque Scenes, Eccentric Orations and Stump Speeches, Hu- morous Interludes and Laughable Farces, designed for school Commence- ments and Amateur Theatricals. Edited by Jerome Barton. 180 pages, paper. Price 30 ctfl- Boards 50 CtS. Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations. Al*o containing Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan" tat:on Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Interludes and Com- ic Recitations, interspersed with Dutch, Irish, French and Yankee Stories. Edited by John F. Scott. Paper covers. Price 80 Cts. Bound in boams, illuminated 50 CtS- Wilson's Book of Eecitations and Dialogues. With In- Ftruotions in Elocution and Declamation. Containing a choice selection of Poetical and Prose Recitations and Original Colloquies. Designed as a Reading Book for < lasses, and as an Assistant to Teachers and Students in preparing Inhibitions. By Floyd B. Wilson, Professor of Elocution. 186 pa- Paqb. Miss Maloxey goes to the Dentist 5 Lost and Found 7 Mygel Sn ydek's Barty 10 Magdalen A; oh, The Spanish Duel 12 Jim Wolfe and the Cats 20 The Woolen Doll 22 The Charity Dinner 26 go-morrow; or, lots wife 33 The Wind and the Moon 35 Dvin' Words of Isaac 37 co Maud Mcller in Dutch 38 — i Moses the Sassy; or, The Disguised Duke 40 The Tarn of the "Nancy Bell." 43 ittUDDY the Piper 46 *? •vchnetdbb Sees "Leah" 51 ^ Caldwell of Springfield 55 CM Artemis Ward's Panorama 56 g SORROWFCL TALE OF A SERVANT GlRL , r >8 How a Frenchman Entertained John Bull 61 TlAMONDTS ON DEIC PltAIN 63 King BOBBBT OF Sicily 64 ^ 0LOVXB8OK, THE Mormon 69 O- I)e Tint wid Olf. Pete 74 - ]'\i AND mi. I'l'. 75 The Widow Bedott'b Lettbb to Elder Sniffles 76 I'iie CHI 01 iin. Children 79 ,*sTlli; DUTCHMAH AM> THE Sm all -Pox . : 83 1 1 S< i lpin 85 Bats 86 A'. [] rBODUCTION 90 A In rCHKAK'8 Dolly Vardln 91 BOCK "I All.- 93 BIMQ THE BLACK Fillies 94 The Hornet 98 The Clove and THE Lions LOO ^ 1 Van r to Fly 101 4560. 4 CONTENTS. PAGE. That Dog of Jim Smiley's 104 The Story of the Faithful Soul 105 " My New Pittayatees" 108 Maby Ann's Wedding ill An Ixqciiung Yankee 114 The Three Bells 116 Love in a Balloon in Mrs. Brown on the State of the Streets 123 Shoo Flies 125 Discourse by the Key. Mr. Bosan 126 Without the Children 127 SlGNOR BlLLSMETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY 128 Der Goot Lookin Shnow 135 The Celebrated Jumping Frog 137 The "Lost Chord" 140 The Tale of a leg 141 That "West-Side Dog 147 now Dennis took the Pledge .' 14'J The Fisherman's Summons 150 Badger's Debut as Hamlet 152 Dow Hezekiah Stole the Spoons 158 Paddy's Dream 160 Victuals and Drink 162 Dow Jake Schneider went Bund 1C3 Aurelias' Unfortunate Young Man 165 Mrs. Brown on Modern Houses '. 168 Farm Yard Song 170 Murphy's Mystery of the Pork-Barrel 171 The Prayer-Seeker •. 172 An Extraordinary Phenomenon 174 The Case of Young Bangs 175 A Mule Elde in Florida 178 Dhree Shkaders 180 BEECHEE'S RECITATIONS. MISS MALONEY GOES TO THE DENTIST. ANONYMOUS. Sure, and did I tell yez bow I wint to the dintist yister- day ? Be aisy now, will yez, and wait a bit, and I'll tell yez all about it. Says I, " Ocb, docthur, docthur clear, it's me tooth that aches intirely, sure it is, an' I've a mind to have it drawn out, av ye plaze, sur." " Does it hurt ye?" says he till me. "Ocb, murtber, can ye ax me that, now, an' me all the way down here to see yez about it?" says I. 11 Sure I haveu't slept day or night these three days. Bo- dad, haven't I tried all manes to quiet the juinpiu' divil ? Sure didn't they tell me to put raw whiskey intil nie mouth, but would it stay there, jist tell me now? No, the divil a bit could I tape it up in my mouth, though it's far from tbo likes <>' mo to be dhrinkin' the whiskey widout extramo provocation, or by accidint." So thin the docthur took his iron instrumints in a hurry, wid as little consarnment of mind as Barney would swape the knives an' forks from the table. "Be aisy, docthur," says I, " tbere'0 time enough j sure you'll not be in such a hurry," says I, "whin your timo somes', I'm thinkinV' "t)ch, well," says the docthur, "an' av yez not ready now, Mi.-s Maloney, ye may come on tbo 6 MISS MALONEY GOES TO THE DENTIST. morrow." "Indade, doctbur, I'll not stbir from tbis sato widtbis ould dead tootb alive in me jaw," says I, "so ye may jist prepare ; but ye nade not come slasbin' at a poor Christian body as av ye would wring ber neck off first, an' dbraw ber tootb at yez convaynience mebbe a quarther of an bour or so aftberward. Now clap on yer pinchers, bad luck to tbim, but mind yo git bould av the rigbt one— sure, ye may aisily see it by tbe acbin' an' jurnpin'," says I. " Ocb," says he, " I'll git bould av the rigbt one," an' wid tbat be jabs a small razor-lookin' weapon intil me mouth an' cuts up me gooms as av it was notbin' but cowld mate for bash for breakfast. Says I, " Doctbur, thunder an' turf!" for me mouth was full of blood r " fwbat in tbe divil are ye aftber ? D'ye want to make an anatomy av a livin' craythur, ye grave-robber, ye f" says I. " Sit stbill," says he, jamming something like a corkscrew intil me jowl, an' twisting tbe very sowl out av me. Sure I sat still, bekase tbe murther- in' thafe held me down wid bis knee and tbe gripe av bis iron in me lug. If you'll belave me, the worrest of all was whin he gave an awful wring, hard enough to wring a wet blankit as dhry as gunpowdher. Arrah ! didn't I think thejudgmint day had come till me ? Holy fathers ! may I niver brathe another breath if I didn't see the red fire in the pit ! Sure I felt me head fly off me shoulders, an' lookin' up, saw somethin' monsthrous bloody in tbe docthur's wrencbin' iron. "Is that me bead ye have got thare?" says I. " No, it's only your tooth," says he. "You lie," says I. "God bliss you," says he. "Maybe it is me tooth," says I, as me eyes began to open, an' by puttin' me hand up, troth I found the outside av me face on, tho' I felt as if all the inside had been hauled out, barrin' the jurnpin' pain in the tooth, which had grown to fill the gap. Och ! may tbe divil take the tooth, an' the bad luck too, if I iver think av it any more. Sure I've had enough of its company, bad cess to the little divil ! LOST AND FOUND. ' LOST AND FOUND. READ BY J. SI. BELLEW. Hamilton aide Soine miners were sinking a -shaft in "Wales — (I know not where, — but the facts have fill'd A chink in my brain, while other tales Have been swept away, as when pearls are spill'd, One pearl rolls into a chink in the floor ;) — Somewhere, then, where God's light is kill'd, And men tear in the dark, at the earth's heart-core, These men were at work, when their axes knock'd A hole in a passage closed years before. A slip in the earth, I suppose, had block'd This gallery suddenly up, with a heap Of rubble, as safe as a chest is lock'd, Till these men pick'd it ; and 'gan to creep In, on all-fours. Then a loud shout ran Round the black roof—" Here's a man asleep !" They all push'd forward, and scarce a span From the mouth of the passage, in sooth, the lamp Fell on the upturn'd face of a man. No taint of death, no decaying damp Had touch'd that fair young brow, whereon Courage had set its glorious stamp. Calm as a monarch upon his throne, Lips hard clench'd, no shadow of fear He sat there taking his rest, alone. Ho must have been there for many a year. The spirit had fled ; but there wa> its shrine, In clothes of a century old or near ! The dry and embalm in g air of the mine Had arrested the natural hand of decay, Nor faded the flesh, nor dimm'd a line. 8 LOST ANTD FOUND. "Who was he, then ? ISTo man could say "When the passage had suddenly fallen in — Its memory, even, was past away ! In their great rough arms, begrimed with coal, They took him up, as a tender lass "Will carry a babe, from that darksome hole, To the outer world of the short warm grass. Then up spoke one, " Let us send for Bess, She is seventy-nine, come Martinmass ; Older than any one here, I guess ! Belike, she may mind when the wall fell there. And remember the chap by his comeliness." So they brought old Bess with her silver hair, To the side of the hill, where the dead man lay, Ere the flesh had crumbled in outer air. And the crowd around him all gave way, As with tottering steps old Bess drew nigh, And bent o'er the face of the unchanged clay. Then suddenly rang a sharp low cry ! . . . . Bess sank on her knees, and wildly toss'd Her wither'd arms in the summer sky .... " "Willie ! "Willie ! my lad ! my lost ! The Lord be praised ! after sixty years I see you again ! . . . . The tears you cost, "Willie darlin', were bitter tears ! . . . . They never looked for ye underground, They told mo a tale to mock my fears ! They said ye were auver the sea— ye'd found A lass ye loved better nor me, to explain How ye'd a-vanish'd fra sight and sound ! Darlin', a long, long life o' paiu 1 ha' lived since then ! . . . . And now I'm old, 'Seems a'most as if youth were come back again, LOST AMD FOUXD. Seeing ye there wi' your locks o' gold, And limbs as straight as ashen beams, .... I a'most forget how the years ha' rolled Between us ! .... TTillie ! how strange it seems To see ye here as I've seen ye oft, .... Auver and auver again in dreams !" In broken words like these, with soft Low wails she rock'd iierself. And none Of the rough men around her scofFd. For surely a sight like this, the sun Had rarely looked upon. Face to face, The old dead love, and the living one ! The dead, with its undimm'd fleshly grace, At the end of threescore years ; the quick, Pucker'd, and wither'd, without a traco Of its warm girl-beauty ! A wizard's trick Bringing the youth and the love that were, Back to the eyes of the old and sick ! Those bodies were just of one age ; yet thero Death, clad in youth, had been standing still, While Life had been fretting itself threadbare ! But the moment was come ; — (as a moment will To all who have loved, and have parted here, And have toil'd alone up the thorny hill; "WTien, at the top, as their eyes see clear, Over tin- mists in the vale below, Mere -pecks their trials and toils appear, Beside the eternal rest they know !) !i came to old Hess that night, and gave The welcome amnions that she should go. And now, though the, rains and winds may ravo Nothing can pari them. Deep and wide, The miners thai evening dug one grave. And there, while the rammers and winters glide Old lie. and young Willie leep side by side I to MYGEL SNYDER'S BARTY. MYGEL SNYDER'S BARTY.* OUR WILLIAMS. fell, of you'll only lisden, I vill told you aboud dot bar- ty vot Mygel Snyder gife last week at bis bouse. Yah, mine freunds, dot vas a higb-doned barty und all de fust- glass beoples vas dere. Dere vas Miss Krouse, Misder Bumblestein, Mrs. Dinglebeuder of Baxter street, Mr. Kansmeyer, Mr. Gimp, Misder und Mrs. • Lautenslauger of Soudtb Fidtb Afenue, und a goot many oders wbose names I dond forgot. Miss Krouse bad ber bair done up in scrambled eggs, und den she vore a dress ofblain cord- ed bed-dick. Mr. Bumblestein bad on a new segond band swallow-bead coat, und den be vore a vatcb-cbain made oud of de dail of de cow vot kicged de lamp over in Shicago. Den dere vas nice dances doo ; dere vas Polkers, Valtzes, Les Lunches, Squadrilles, und Succatosbes. Und den afder de dancing ve blayed some games; ve blayed Buss in Shoes, Bost Office, und Grokenhagens, und Pliud Man's Snuff. Und den afder dot a young man got ub to make a sbeecb, und he gommenced py saying, — "I am here." In aboud dree minudes be vasn't dere ; he vas drank, und de gommiddee shucked him oud of de segond sdory vindow, und he valked right off on his ear. Veil, Mrs. Dinglebeuder broughd her baby, de sweedest liddle baby vot you efer seen, mit a nose like a cbesdnud, (veil, de baby can't helb dot,) und id's head vas as large as a foot-ball, (veil de baby can't helb dot,) und de baby vas yust old enough to grawl around on de garpet, und feed on dacks und hair-bins. Veil, putty guick righd avay oud, dot baby fell in de slob-bail und got cboging mit a bod-a-do-sgin. Id's a nice ding, dough, being a farder, und exbecially gedding ub of a cold vinter's nide, mit your feet on de oil- cloth, bouring oud baregoric in a dea-sboon mit der ther- *By kind permission of the author. MTGEL SNYDER'S BARTY. 11 momeder ninedy-niue degrees pelow de cidy-hall py moon- lide; (veil, de baby can't kelbdot;) id's a nice ding to dink dot a baby vas going to grow ub uud have " inuinbs," "measles," " golera infanduin," "jim-jams" und dings like dot to dake avay a man's money vot he bas laid avay for a new suit of glothes. Bud I subboses dot's all righd, dond it? Yen subber vas putty gnick ready, I sot mineself down to ead dribe, und cakes, und onions, und bodadoes, und pigs feed, und Miss Krouse she ead so hardy dot she got fery sick, und der doctor sait she had der coleric. Yes, Miss Krouse got de coleric. She vas drying to ead a mince-pie mit a doot-prush in id, und id didn't agree vit her. Bud den dot subber dable vas loaded ub mit all de in- delicacies of de season. Dere vas beanuts und red herrings und boddles of green-zeal soda-vater; und deu Oofty Gooft broughd a boddle of Yooster-sdreet sauce, und den dero vas a Christmas dree aboud dwo inches high sed in a spiddoon in de middle of de dable yust for noding put ornaniendations. Afder subber dero vas such nice singing. Yone young man got ub und singed a song vot vent like dis : — " He flies drough de air mit his mout full of cheese, he vas a young man vot chewed ub a drapeze," — or someding like dot anyhow; den vc all joined in de ghorus. Den dey asged me to sing, und ven I got ub to sin-- de beoble kepd so sdill you could hear a house fall down. I sung dot song abend Mary had a leetle lamp, ids vool all over vite — mid veil I had snug vone verse, sonic fellar hollero loud — ••oh: give ua a read." [dold him dot I didntknowde I of ill ; of] did I vonld give id to him, und den lie dold uieto"drobof mineself;" but I dond understood Ladin, ildn't make oud vot he vas dalking aboud, bud 1 intisi have sung nice, lor vile I vas singing every vono venl oud ofde room. Boon afder dot I vent 1,01110, budvenever 12 MAGDALENA, OE THE SPANISH DUEL. I regomeruber dot vestif night I alvays say to mine- self: Oh ! vot lods of fun, Oh ! vot lods of fun, Dancing, singing, all de dime, Drinking lager-bier und vein ; At dot barty down at Mygel Snyder's. MAGDALENA, OR THE SPANISH DUEL. BEAD BY J. M. BELLEW. Near the city of Sevilla, Years and years ago — Dwelt a lady in a viUa Years and years ago ; — ' And her hair was black as night, And her eyes were starry bright ; Olives on her brow were blooming, Eoses red her lips perfuming, And her step was light and airy As the tripping of a fairy; "When she spoke, you thought, each minute, 'Twas the thrilling of a linnet ; "When she sang, yon heard a gush Of full- voiced sweetness like a thrush ; And she struck from the guitar Kinging music, sweeter far Thau tho morning breezes make Through .the lime trees wheu they shake — Than tho ocean murmuring o'er Pebbles on the foamy shore. Orphaned both of sire and mother Dwelt she in that lonely villa, Absent now her guardian brother On a mission from Sevilla. Skills it little now the telling How I wooed that maiden fair, MAGDALEXA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. 13 Tracked her to her lonely dwelling And obtained an entrance there. Ah ! that lady of the villa ! • And I loved her so, Near the city of Sevilla, Tears and years ago. Ay de mi ! — Like echoes falling Sweet and sad and low, Voices come at night, recalling Years and years ago. Once again I'm sitting near thee, Beautiful and bright ; Once again I see and hear thee In the autumn night ; Once again I'm whispering to thee Faltering words of love; Once again with song I woo thee In the orange grove Growing near that lonely villa Where the waters flow Down to the city of Sevilla— Years and years ago. , 'Twas an autumn eve ; the splendor Of the day was gone, And the twilight, soft aud tender, Stole so gently on That the eye could scarce discover How the shadows, spreading over, Like a veil of silver gray, Tuned the golden clouds, sun-painted, Till they paled, and paled, and fainted Prom tlic face of heaven away. And a dim light rising slowly < »'i'i- the welkin spread, Till the blue sky, calm and holy, Cle; id above our bead ; And tin' thin moon, newly nascent, Shone in glory meek and sweet, As Murillo paints her crescent 14 MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. Underneath Madonna's feet. And we sat outside the villa • "Where the waters flow Down to the city of Sevilla — Years and years ago. There we sate— the mighty river Wound its serpent course along- Silent, dreamy Guadalquiver, Famed in mauy a song. Silver gleaming 'mid the plain Yellow with the golden grain, Gliding down through deep, rich meadows, Where the sated cattle rove, Stealing underneath the shadows Of the verdant olive grove ; With its plenitude of waters, Ever flowing calm and slow, Loved by Andalusia's daughters, Sung by poets long ago. Seated half within a bower Where the languid evening breeze Shook out odors in a shower From oranges and citron trees, Sang she from a romancero, How a Moorish chieftain bold Fought a Spanish caballero By Sevilla's walls of old. How they battled for a lady, Fairest of the maids of Spain — How the Christian's lance, so steady, Pierced the Moslem through the brain. Then she ceased — her black eyes moving, Flashed, as asked she with a smile, — " Say, are maids as fair and loving — Men as faithful, in your isle V ' " British maids," I said, " are ever Counted fairest of the fair ; MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. 15 Like the swans on yonder river Moving with a stately air. '•' Wooed not quickly, won not lightly- But, when won, forever true ; Trial draws the bond more tightly, Time can ne'er the knot undo. " And the men ?"— " Ah ! dearest lady, Are — quien sabe ? who can say I To make love they're ever ready, When they can and where they may ; " Fixed as waves, as breezes steady In a changeful April day — Como brisas, como rios, No se sabe, sabe Dios." " Are they faithful ?"— " Ah ! quien sabe ? "Who can answer that they are 1 While we may we should be happy." — Then I took up her guitar, And I sang in sportive strain, This song to an old air of Spain. "Quien Sabe." "The breeze of the evening that cools the hot air, That kisses the orange and shakes out thy hair, Is its freshii' welcome, less sweet its perfume, That you know not the region from which it is come? Whence the wind blows, where the wind goes, Hither and thither and whither- who knows? Who knows? Hither and thither— but whither— who knows? II. " The river forever glides singing along, The ro e on the bank bends a'down to Its song ; And the (lower, U it listens, unconsciously dips, Till the rising wave glistens and kisses its lips. 10 MAGDALEXA, OR THE SPANISH DUEL. But why the wave rises and kisses the rose, And why the rose stoops for those kisses— who knows ? Who knows ? And away flows the river— but whither— who knows ? ni. " Let me be the breeze, love, that wanders along The river that ever rejoices in song ; Be thou to my fancy the orange in bloom, The rose by the river that gives its perfume. Would the fruit be so golden, so fragrant the rose, If no breeze and no wave were to lass them ? "Who knows ? Who knows ? If no breeze and no wave were to kiss them ? "Who knows f" As I sang, the lady listened, Silent save one gentle sigh : When I ceased, a tear-drop glistened On the dark fringe of her eye. Then my heart reproved the feeling Of that false and heartless strain Which I sang in words concealing What my heart would hide in vain. Up I sprang. What words were uttered Bootless now to think or tell — Tongues speak wild when hearts are fluttered By the mighty master spell. Love, avowed with sudden boldness, Heard with flushings that reveal, Spite of woman's studied coldness, Thoughts the heart cannot conceal. Words half-vague and passion-broken, Meaningless, yet meaning all That the lips have left unspoken, That we never may recall. MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. 17 " Magdalena, dearest, hear me," Sighed I, as I seized her hand — "Hola! Senor," very near me, Cries a voice of stern command. And a stalwart caballero Comes upon mo with a stride, On his head a slouched sombrero, A toledo by his side. From his breast he flung his capa With a stately Spanish air— [On the whole, he looked the chap a Man to slight would scarcely dare.] " Will your worship have the goodness To release that lady's hand V— "Senor," I replied, "this rudeness I am not prepared to stand. "Magdalena, say"— the maiden, With a cry of wild surprise, As with secret sorrow laden, Fainting sank before my eyes. Then the Spanish caballero Bowed with haughty courtesy, Solemn as a tragic hero, And announced himself to me. "Senor, I am Don Camillo Guzman Miguel Pedrillo I)e Xymenes y Ribcra Y Bantalloa y Ilerrera Y do Rivas y Ifendoza Y Quintana y de Rosa Y Xorillay'— " No more, sir, "Tig as good us twenty score, sir," Said F to him, with a frown ; •■ m [{ | i bnlla para nada, No palabras, draw yonr 'spada ; [f j ou're u]i [or a daolo 18 MAGDALENA, OK THE SPANISH DUEL. Ton will find I'm just jour fellow — Senor, I am Peter Brown !" By the river's bank that night, Foot to foot in strife, Fought we in the dubious light A fight of death or fife. Don Camillo slashed my shoulder, With the pain I grew the bolder, Close, and closer still I pressed ; Fortune favored me at last, I broke his guard, my weapon passed Through the caballero's breast — Down to the earth went Don Camillo Guzman Miguel Pedrillo De Ximenes y Ribera Y Santallos y Herrera T de Rivas y Mendoza Y Quintana y de Rosa T Zorilla y — One groan, And he lay motionless as stone. The man of many names went down, Pierced by the sword of Peter Brown ! Kneeling down, I raised his head ; The caballero faintly said, " Signor Ingles, fly from Spain With all speed, for you have slain A Spanish noble, Don Camillo Guzman Miguel Pedrillo De Ximenes y Ribera Y Santallos y Herrera Y de Rivas y Mendoza Y Quintana y de Rosa Y Zorilla y" — He swooned "With the bleeding from his wound. If he be living still, or dead, I never knew, I ne'er shall know. That night from Spain in haste I fled, Years and years ago. ilAGDALENA, OR THE SPANISH DUEL. 19 Oft when autumn eve is closing, Pensive, puffing a cigar, In ray chamber lone reposing, Musing half, and half a-dozing, Comes a vision from afar Of that lady of the villa In her satin, fringed mantilla, And that haughty caballero "With his capa and sombrero, Yainly in my mind revolving That long, jointed, endless name; — " Tis a riddle past my solving, "vTho he was, or whence he came. Was he that brother home returned '. TTas be some former lover spumed ? Or some family fiance That tbe lady did not fancy ? Was he any one of those? Sabe Dios. Ah ! God knows. Sadly smoking my manilla, Much I long to know How fares the ladv of the villa That once charmed me so, When I visited Sevilla Years and years ago. Has Bhe married a Hidalgo? Gone tbe way that ladies all go In those drowsy Spanish cities. Wasting life — a thousand pities — Waking up for a fiesta From an afternoon siesta, To " Giralda " now repairing, Or the Plaza for an airing; At the .-haded r/jd flirting, At a bull-fight now disporting; Due; she walk at evenings ever Throngb tbe gardens by the river? Guarded by an old duenna Pierce and sharp a i a bj 20 JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS. "With her goggles and her fan "Warning off each rakish man ? Is she dead, or is she living? Is she for my ahsence grieving ? Is she wretched, is she happy ? Widow, wife, or maid ? Quien sabc ! JIM WOLFE AND THE CATS. We was all boys, then, an' didn't care for nothin' only heow to shirk school, an' keep up a revivin' state o' devil- ment all the time. This yah Jim Wolfe I was*talkin' about, was the prentice, an' he was the best hearted feller, he was, an' the most forgivin' and onselfish, I ever see — well, there couldn't bo a more bullier boy than what Jim was, take him heow you would ; and sorry enough I was when I see him for the last time. Me an' Henry was allers pesterin' him, an' plasterin boss bills ou his back an' puttin' bumble-bees in his bed, and so on, an' sometimes we'd jistcreowd in an' bunk with him, not'standin' his growlin,' and then we'd let on to git mad an' fight acrost him, so as to keep him stirred up like. Ho was nineteen, he was, an' long, an' lank, an' bashful, an' we was fifteen an' sixteen, an' pretty tolerabul lazy an' wuthless. So, that night, you know, that my sister Mary gin tho candy pulliu', they started us off to bed airly, so as the comp'ny could have full swing, and we rung in ou Jim tew have some fun. Wall, our winder looked out onter the ruff of the ell, an' about ten o'clock a couple of old torn cats got to rairiu' an' chargin' reound on it, an' carryin' on jist like sin. There was four inches o' snow on the ruff, and it froze so that there was a right smart crust of ice on it, an' the moon Jlil WOLFE A3TD THE CATS. 21 was shinin' bright, an' vre could sec them cats jist like day- light. Fust they'd stand off, o-yow-yow-yow, jist the same as if they was a cussin' one another, you know, an' bow up their backs, an' bush up their tails, an' swell around, an' spit, an' then all of a suddin the gray cat he'd snatch a handful of fur off the yaller cat's back, an' spin him around jist like a button on a barn door. But the yaller cat was game, and he'd come an' clinch, an' the way they'd gouge, an' bite, an' howl, and the way they'd make the fur fly, was peowerful. Wall, Jim he jist got disgusted with the row, and 'lowed he'd climb out there, an' shake 'in off'n that ruff. He hadn't reely no notion o' doin' it, likely, but we everlast- ingly dogged him, an' bullyragged him, an' lowed he'd allers bragged heow he wouldn't take a dare, an! so on, till bimeby he jist histed the winder, an' lo and behold you ! be went — went exactly as ho was — nothin' on but his shirt. You ought to a seen him ! You ought to seen him creepin' over that ice, an' diggin' his toe nails an' finger nails in, fur tew keep him from slippiu' ; and, 'bove all, you ought to seen that shirt a flappin' in the wind, and them long ridick- lous shanks of his'n a glistenin' in tho moonlight. Them comp'ny folks was down there under the eaves, an' the whole squad of 'em under that ornery shed o' dead Wash'ton Rower vines — all sett'n reound two dozzen sas- serso' bilin hot candy, which they'd sot in the snow to cool. And they was laughin' an' tallcin' lively; but, bless you, they didn't know nothin' 'bout tho panorammy that was goin' on over their heads. Wall, Jim, he jist went a sneakin' an' a sneakin' up un- beknowna to them tom-cats— they was aswishin' their tails, and yow-ynwin' an' tlireatnin' to clinch, you know, an' not payin' any attention he went a sneakin' an' a sneak- in' right up to tli<' comb of the ruff, till he got in a foot an' a half of 'em, an' then all of a suddin hu made a grab fur tho 22 THE WOOLEN DOLL. yaller cat ! But, by gosh, be missed flue, an' slipped bis bolt, an' bis beels flew up, an' be flopped on bis back, and sbot ofl'n tbat ruff jist like a dart ! — went a smasbin' and a crasbin deown thro' tbeni old rusty vines, an' landid rigbt in tbe dead centre of all tbein cornp'ny people ! — sot deown jist like a yeartbquake in tbem two dozzen sassers of red- bot candy, and let off a bowl tbat was bark from tbe tomb ! Tbem gals— wall, tbey left, you know. Tbey see he warn't dressed for cornp'ny, an' so they left — vamoosed. All done in a second; it was jist one little war-whoop and a whish of their dresses, and blame the one of 'em was in sight anywhere ! Jim, he war in sight. He war gormed with the bilin' hot molasses candy clean deown to his beels, an' more busted-sassers hangin' to him than if he was a Injun prin- cess — an'«he came a prancin' up stairs jist a whoopin' an' a cussiu', an' every jump he gin he shed some sassers, an' every squirm he fetched he dripped some candy ! an' blis- tered ! why, bless your soul, that pore creetur couldn't reely set deown comfortable fur as much as four weeks. THE WOOLEN DOLL. A MANIAC'S STORY. qeobge w. bows. A weary, cowering figure, Huddling to the wall, A mass of golden hair, a sallow face, And that is all ! A wretched, blank, lost mind,— "Whose only thought Rests in the foolish toy The poor, thin hands have wrought. A simple woolen doll. Clasped to her lonely breast, Gazed wildly on at times, Then closer pressed. THE WOOLEN DOLL. 23 The others sneeringly pass by "While here and there Stops one more curious, To banter or to stare. " Father is coming, darling, — There, — don't cry ; He won't be gone for long, He'll come by and by. Tou know he's gone away, my sweet, To be a sailor on the sea ; Gone far away, my pet, with words Of love for you and me. They tell me he is dead, my dear ; But never mind, He wouldn't go up there and leave Us here behind. He told us, darling, when he went, Ho would come back again ; And he would never break his word, The truest, best of men. Ah, sir ! I see you're smiling, And, with alarm, Draws back the sweet lady Hanging on your arm — Miss. I was handsome once, But all this woe, This misery, and grief, and shame, Have brought me low. Look at me with those large blue eyes, Thai, tell Of love,— Such <•;.<* - as sometimes beam on mo From heaven above, I know your heart is good as is your face, Ami I will toll To you I be "1 story, They all know so well. 24 THE WOOLEN" DOLL. Father was stem, and cold, and proud, And when James said — ' Let Eose, sir, be my wife, I love the maid,' — He laughed at him, and, with a sneer, Sent him away — God grant, ma'am, you may never know The sorrows of that day. I loved him with a girl's first love, ■ And, when he came "With father's surly message, Full of shame, I cheered him as I best knew how, Gave him my hand, Promised, through life, with him Alone I'd stand. It was in the winter, sir, "When all was dead, And snow was on the ground, That we two fled. A good, kind parson married us, Dear soul ! I often, often think of him In this dark hole. Then came trouble — no work, no bread ; And one October morn, When all was dark and drear, The child was born. See, he's a pretty boy, sweet pet, With just his father's face; But, oh ! the good God grant, "Without poor James' disgrace. Things went from bad to worse — He took to drink, To gambling, robbery, and shame — I cannot think — Oh, no — he was mad then, I feel His was too good a heart THE WOOLEN DOLL. 25 To do aught ever that would Make mine smart. It came at last — the bitter hour — Hot words, a blow — He beat me cruelly — So, darling, so — And then we parted, and he went Off on the sea, Leaving the dark, blank world To baby here, and me. ' Heard from him since V you ask, No, ma'am, never, Yet baby here and I "Were waiting ever — "Waiting to hear his voice once more. To see his face, To welcome him home again "With a long, last embrace. Oh, ma'am, 'tis sad to sit here, Far awaj- from homo, "Waiting for one perhaps Will never come. They tell me he is dead, these people, Then they smile ; "While I can only hope, and clasp My child the while. Father is dead, long since, they say, Diiid of a broken heart ; Cut from the wretched tragedy In which he played a part. Look, look ! see how the baby smiles ! dive him a pennj . do ; God grant, ma'am, all Buob misery May never come to you." Out in the Bparkling sunshine, Iu the merry autumn air, Where the breeze, in gaily pa ing, l.i.aes a cheek most fair — 26 THE CHARITY DINGER. "Within, four dark and dingy walls, That sigh with every breath Of the mother, with her woolen doll, Dying a living death. THE CHAEITY DINNER. EEAD I5Y J. M. BELJLEW. Litchfield mosely. Time : half-past six o'clock. Place : The London Tav- ern. Occasion : Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands. On entering the room, we find more than two hundred noblemen and gentlemen already assembled ; and the num- ber is increasing every minute. The preparations are now complete, and we are in readiness to receive the chairman. After a short pause, a little door at the end of the room opens, and the great man appears, attended by an admir- ing circle of stewards and toadies, carrying white wands like a parcel of charity-scbool boys bent on beating the bounds. He advances smilingly to his post at the prin- cipal table, amid deafening and long-continued cheers. The dinner now makes its appearance, and we yield up ourselves to the enjoyments of eating and drinking. These important duties finished, and grace having been beau- tifully sung by the vocalists, the real business of the eve- ning commences. The usual loyal toasts having been given, the noble chairman rises, and, after passing his fin- gers through his hair, he places his thumbs in the arm- holes of his waistcoat, gives a short preparatory cough, accompanied by a vacant stare round the room, and com- mences as follows :— "My Lords axd Gentlemen:— It is with feelings of mingled pleasure and regret that I appear before you this evening : of pleasure, to find that this excellent and world- THE CHARITY DIXXER. 27 wide-known society is in so promising a condition ; and of regret, that you have not chosen a worthier chairman ; in fact, one who is more capable than myself of dealiug with a subject of such vital importance as this. (Loud cheers.) But, although I may be unworthy of the honor, I am proud to state that I have been a subscriber to this society from its commencement; feeling sure that nothing can tend more to the advancement of civilization, social re- form, fireside comfort, and domestic economy among the Cannibals, than the diffusion of blankets and top-boots. (Tremendous cheering, which lasts for several minutes.) Here, in this England of ours, which is an island sur- rounded by water, as I suppose you all know — or, as our great poet so truthfully and beautifully expresses the same fact, ' England bound in by the triumphant sea ' — what, down the long vista of years, have conduced more to our successes in arms, and arts, and song, than blankets? Indeed, I never gaze upon a blanket without my thoughts reverting fondly to the days of my early childhood. Where should we all have been now but for those warm and fleecy coverings ? My Lords and Gentlemen ! Our first and tender memories arc all associated with blankets : blankets when in our nurses' arms, blankets in our cradles, blankets in our cribs, blankets to our French bedsteads in our school-days, and blankets to our marital four-posters now. Therefore, I say, it becomes our boundcn duty as men— and, with feelings of pride, I add, as Englishmen— to initiate the untutored savage, the wild and somewhat uncultivated denizen of the prairie, Into the comfort and Warmth of blankets; and to supply htm, as far as practi- cable, with those reasonable, seasonable, luxurious, and ful appendages. At such a moment as this, the lines of another poet strike familiarly upon the car. Let mo sec, they are something like this — ah — ah — " Blanket* have charms to soothe the savage hrcast, 28 THE CHAKITY DINNER. I forget the rest. (Loud cheers.) Do we grudge our money for such a purpose ? I answer, fearlessly, No ' Could we spend it better at home ? I reply, most emphat- ically, No ! True, it may be said that there are thousands of our own people who at this moment are wandering about the streets of this great metropolis without food to eat or rags to cover them. But what have we to do with them ? Our thoughts, our feelings, and our sympathies are all wafted on the wings of charity to the dear and in- teresting Cannibals in the far-off islands of the great Pa- cific Ocean. (Hear, hear.) Besides, have not our own poor the workhouses to go to ; the luxurious straw of the casual wards to repose upon, if they please ; the mutton broth to bathe in; and the ever toothsome, although somewhat scanty allowance of " toke " provided for them ! If people choose to be poor, is it our business? And let it ever be remembered that our own people are not savages and man-eaters; and, therefore, our philanthropy would be wasted upon them. (Overwhelming applause.) To return to our subject. Perhaps some person or persons here may wonder why we should not send out side-springs and bluchers, as well as top-boots. To those I will say, that top-boots alone answer the object desired — namely, not only to keep the feet dry, but the legs warm, and thus to combine the double uses of shoes and stockings. Is it not an instance of the remarkable foresight of this society, that it purposely abstains from sending out auy other than top-boots ? To show the gratitude of the Can- nibals, for the benefits conferred upon them, I will just mention that, within the last few weeks, his illustrious Majesty, Hokee Pokey Wankey Fum the First — surnamed by his loving subjects ' The Magnificent/ from the fact of his wearing, on Sundays, a shirt-collar and an eye-glass as full court costume — has forwarded the president of the society a very handsome present, consisting of two live alligators, a boa constrictor, and three pots of preserved THE CHAEITY DIXXEE 2!) Indian, to be eaten with toast ; and I am told, by com- petent judges, that it is quite equal to Russian caviare. " My Lords and Gentlemen — I will not trespass on your patience by making any further remarks ; knowing how incompetent I am — no, no ! I don't mean that — knowing how incompetent you all are — no! I don't mean that either — but you all know what I mean. Like the ancient, Roman lawgiver, I am in a peculiar position ; for the fact is, I cannot sit down — I mean to say, that I cannot sit down without saying that, if there ever tvas an institution, it is this institution; and, therefore, I beg to propose, ' Prosperity to the Society for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands." The toast having been cordially responded to, his lord- ship calls upon Mr. Duffer, the secretary, to read the re- port. Whereupon that gentleman, who is of a bland and oily temperament, and whose eyes are concealed by a pair of green spectacles, produces the necessary document, and reads in the orthodox manner — " Thirtieth Half-yearly Report of the Society for the Dis- tribution of Blankets and Top-Boots to the Natives of tho Cannibal Islands. "The society having now reached its fifteenth anni- versary, tbe committee of management beg to congratulate their friends and subscribers on the success that has been attained. " When the Society first commenced its labors, the gen- erous and noble-minded natives of the islands, together with their King— a chief whose name is well known in con- nection with one of tho most sterling and heroic ballads of this country — attired themselves in the light bat somewhat Insufficient costume of their tribe — viz., littlo before, nothing behind, and no sleoves, with the occasional addi- tion of a pair of spec; ■ ■ • but now, thanks to this use- ful association, the upper Classes of the Cannibals seldom appear in public without their bodies bgtng enveloped in blankets, and their feel ed in top-boi 30 THE CHAEITY BETOBR. " When the latter useful articles were first introduced into the islands, the society's agents had a vast amount of trouble to prevail upon the natives to apply them to their proper purpose; and, in their work of civilization, no less than twenty of its representatives were massacred, roasted, and eaten. But we persevered ; we overcame the natural antipathy of the Cannibals to wear any covering to their feet ; until, after a time, the natives discovered the warmth and utility of boots ; and now they can scarcely be in- duced to remove them until they fall off through old age. " During the past half-year, the society has distributed no less than 71 blankets and 128 pairs of top-boots; and your committee, therefore, feel convinced that they will not be accused of inaction. But a great work is still be- fore them ; and they earnestly invite co-operation, in order that they may be enabled to supply the whole of the Can- nibals with these comfortable, nutritious and savory ar- ticles. "As the balance sheet is rather a lengthy document, I will merely quote a few of the figures for your satisfaction. "We have received, during the last half-year, in subscrip- tions, donations, and legacies, the sum of 5,4032. 6s. 8fcZ. TVe have disbursed for advertising, &c, 2222. 6s. 2d. Rent, rates, and taxes, 305/. 10s. Old. Seventy-one pairs of blankets, at 20s. per pair, have taken 712. exactly; and 128 pairs of top-boots, at 21s. per pair, cost us 1342. some odd shillings. The salaries and expenses of management amount to 1,3072. 4s. 2\&. ; and sundries, which include committee meetings and traveling expenses, have absorbed the remainder of the sum, and amount to 32682. 9s. Iff?. So that we have expended on the dear and interesting Cannibals the sum of 2052. and the remainder of the sum — amounting to 5^1982.— has been devoted to the working ex- penses of the society." The reading concluded, the secretary resumes his seat, amid hearty applause, which continues until Mr. Alderman THE CHAJRITY DETKEK. 31 Gobbleton rises, and, in a somewhat lengthy and discur- sive speech — in which the phrases," the Corporation of the City of London," "suit and service," "ancient guild," "liberties and privileges," and " Court of Common Coun- cil," figure frequently, states that he agrees with every- thing the noble chairmau has said ; and has, moreover, never listened to a more comprehensive and exhaustive document than the one just read ; which is calculated to satisfy even the most obtuse and hard-headed of individ- uals. Gobbleton is a great man in the city. He has either been lord mayor, or sheriff, or something of the sort ; and, as a few words of his go a long way with his friends and ad- mirers, his remarks are very favorably received. "Clever man, Gobbleton!" says a common councilman, sitting near us, to his neighbor, a languid swell of the period. "Ya-as, vewv ! Wemarkable stvle of owatowy — gweat fluency," replies the other. But attention, if you please ! — for M. Hector de Longue- beau, the great French writer, is on his legs. He is stay- ing in England for a short time, to become acquainted with our manners and customs. " MlLOBS AMD Genti/EMANS !" commences the French- man, elevating his eyebrows and shrugging his shoulders. "Milora and Gentlemans — You excellent chairman, M. lo on do Mount-Stuart, he have Bay to me, 'Make de Den I say to him dat I have no toast to make; but he nudge my elbow ver soft, and say dat dere is von toast dat nobody but von Frenchman can make proper; and, derefore, wid your kind permission, 1 vill makede toast. ' De hn is de sole of de feet,' as you great philosophere, Dr. Johnson, do say, in dat amusing Utile Fork of his, de Pronouncing Dictionnaire j and, derefore, I vill not say vet moch to de point. Ven I vas a boy, about so moch tall, and used for to promenade de Btrei 32 THE CHARITY DINNER. of Marseilles et of Rouen, vid no feet to put onto my shoe, I nevaro to have expose dat dis day vould to have arrive. I vas to begin de vorld as von garcon — or, vat you call in dis countrie, von vaitaire in a cafe — vere I vork ver hard, vid no habillemens at all to put onto myself, and ver little food to eat, excep' von old bleu blouse vat vas give to me by do proprietaire, just for to keep myself fit to bo showed at; but, tank goodness, tings dey have change ver moch for me since dat time, and I have rose myself, seulement par mon industrio et perseverance. (Loud cheers.) Ah ! nies amis ! ven I bear to myself de flowing speech, de ora- tion magnifique of you Lor' Maire, Monsieur Gobblcclown, I feel dat it is von great privilege for von etranger to sit at de same table, and to eat de same food, as dat grand, dat majestique man, who are de terreur of de voleurs and de brigands of de metropolis ; and who is also, I for to sup- pose, a halterman and de chef of you common scoundrel. Milors and gentlemans, I feel dat I can perspire to no greatare honneur dan to be von common scoundrelman myself ; but, helas ! dat plaisir are not for me, as I are not freeman of your great cite, not von liveryman servant of von of you compagnics joint-stock. But I must not for- get de toast. Milors and Gentlemans ! De immortal Shakispeare he have write, ' De ting of beauty are de joy for nevermore.' It is de ladies who are de toast. Vat is more entrancing dan de charmante smile, de soft voice, de vinking eye of de beautiful lady! It is de ladies who do sweeten de cares of life. It is de ladies who are de guiding stars of our existence. It is de ladies who do cheer but not inebriate, and, derefore, vid all homage to d ere sex, de toast dat I have to propose is, ' De Ladies ! God bless dem all !' " And the little Frenchman sits down amid a perfect tempest of cheers. A few more toasts are given, the list of subscriptions is read, a vote of thanks is passed to the noble chairman; GO-MORROW, OR LOT'S WIFE. 33 and the Fifteenth Annual Festival of the Society for the Distribution of Blankets and Top-Boots among the Natives of the Cannibal Islands is at an end. GO-MORROW, OR LOT'S WIFE. As I approached a pond, a few d ays ago, where some negroes were cutting ice, I chanced to hear the conclusion of a conversation between two of the hands on the subject of religion. "What do you know f bout 'ligion ? You don't know nutbin' 'tall 'bout 'ligion." " I know a heap 'bout 'ligion; ain't I bin done road de Bible .'" " What you read in de Bible ? I say you can't tell me nutbin' what you read in de Bible ."' " Bat I kin, dough . 1 read 'bout 'Morro." " What sort-o' Morrow — to-morrow ?" "No, Go-Morrow." " Well, whar be go, and what ho go fur .'" " Shoh, man ! he didn't go now bar, Vuz bo was a town." "Dar! didn't I toll you you didn't know nutbin' 'bout nutbin'? You read do Bible! Hoccum (bow come) do town name 'Morro, and how detown gwine to go anywharf i own haint got no legs." '• Man, you'fl a bora fool, sbo'. De town named Go- Morrow, but dey call it 'Morro, 'euz they didn't have no fchne to stay talk-in' long talk." "Debbil dey didn't! Ef dey stay dar to-day, why can't dey stay dar tO-mOTTOW .' 'S|>lain me dat." •■ Bui dey all gone, and de town too. All done bu'n up." '• Efdere ain't no pepul, and dere ain'l no town, how do town oai Morrol G'long, Digger! Didn't I know you 34 GO-MORROW, OR LOT'S WIPE. didn't know nuthiu' 'tall 'bout 'ligion ? But (sarcastically) tole me some mo' what you read in de Bible V " Well, 'Morro was a big town — 'bout mighty nigb's big as Wasbington city — and de pepul wat live dar was de meannes' pepul in de wbole worl'. Dey was dat mean dat de Lord be couldn't abear 'em, and be make up his min' dat be gwine bu'n de town clear up. But dar was one good man dar — member uv de church, a p'sidin elder — named Lot." " Taas, I know'd him !" " Whar you know him ?'' " On de canned (canal). He owned a batto, and drorit hisself." "Heist, man! I talkin' sense" now. Den de Lord he came to Lot, and he say, 'Lot, I gwine bu'n dis town. Ton and you wife git up and gether you' little alls and put out fo' de crack o' day, coz I certn'ly gwine bu'n dis town and de pepul to-morrow.' Den Lot he and his wife riz and snatched up their little alls and traveled soon in de mornin'. And de Lord he tuk two light 'ud (light wood) knots and some sbavin's, and he set fire to dat ar town uv 'Morro, and he bu'n it spang up clear down to the groun." "What 'come o' Lot?" " He and be wife dey went and dey went and dey went t'well pres'n'ly he wife say, ' Lord ! ef I ain't gone and lef de meal-sifter and de rollin' pin I wish I may die,' and she , turn round, and — and — she dar now !" "What she doin' now?" " Nutbin ." " Must bemons'uslazy woman." "No, she ain't. De Lord he tu'n her to pillow uv salt, 'cos she too 'quisitive." " Dar ! ev'rybody know 'bout sack o' salt ; but who ever hear 'bout pillow o' salt? But what come o' Lot '!" " Lot, he weren't keerin' 'tall 'bout no rollin' pin and no meal -sifter, so he kept straight 'lon says I. " It's me," says he. " Who are you ?" says I. "A friend," says he. " Baithershin .'" says I ; " who are you, at all ?" " Arrah ! don't you know me ?" says he. " Divil a taste," says I. " Sure I'm Paddy the Piper," says he. "Oh, thuudher and turf!" says I; "is it you, Paddy, that's in it V 1 " Sorra one else," says he. " Aud what brought you at this hour ?" says I. "By gar," says he, " I didn't like goin' the roun' by the road," says he, " and so I kern the short cut, and that's what delayed me," says he. ******* "Faix, then," says I, " you had betther lose no time in hidin' yourself," says I, " for troth I tell you, it's a short thrial and a long rope the Husshians would be afther givin' you— for they've no justice, and less marcy, the villains !" "Faith, thin, more's the raison you should let me in, Shamus," says poor Paddy. "It'.sa folly to talk," says I; " I darn't open the door." "Oh then, milliamurther !" says Paddy, " what'll be- come of me at all, at all f says he. "Go aff into the shed." says I, "behind the house, where the cow is;" but instead of going to the cow-house, he Bet off to go to the fair, and he wint meandherin' along through the fields, but ho didn't go far, until cliinbin' up through a hedge, when he was coming out at t'other side, he kern plump agin somethin' that made the Are Hash out iv h So with that he looks up — and what do you think it was. Lord be marcifal onto \v/.\ bul a corpse banguV out of a branch ofa three ' "<>h, the top of the mornin' to yon, sir," says Paddy; "and is thai the way with yon, my poor fellow! Throth you too] a tart out 48 PADDY THE PIPER. • o' me," says poor Paddy ; and 'twas thrue for bim, for it would make tbe beart of a stouter man nor Paddy jump to see tbe like, and to tbink of a Christian cratbur being banged up, all as one as a dog. ******* Says Paddy, eyein' tbe corpse, " By my sowl tbin, but you have a beautiful pair of boots an you," says be, " and it's what I'm tbiukin' you won't bave any great use for tbirn no more ; and sbure it's a sbame to see tbe likes o' me," says be, " tbe best piper in tbe siviu counties, to be trampin' wid a pair of ould brogues not wortb three tra- neens, and a corpse wid sucb an illigant pair o' boots, tbat wants some one to wear tbim." So witb tbat Paddy laid bould of bim by tbe boots, and began a pullin' at tbim, but they wor mighty stiff; and whether it was by rayson of their bein' so tight, or the branch of the tree a-jiggin' up and down, all as one as a weighdee buckettee, and not lettin' Paddy cotch any right hoult o' tbim, be could get no advantage o' tbim at all ; and at last he gev it up, and was goin' away, whin, lookin' behind him agin, the sight of the illigant fine boots was too much for him, and he turned back outs with his knife, and what does he do, but he cuts off the legs av the corpse ; and says he, " I can take aff the boots at my convanyience." And throth it was, as I said before, a dirty turn. Well, sir, he tucked up tbe legs undber his arm, and walked back agin to the cow-house, and hidin' the corpse's legs in tbe stbraw, Paddy wint to sleep. But what do you think ? the divil a long Paddy was there antil the sojers kem in airnest, and, by the powers, they carried off Paddy ; and faith it was only sarvin' him right for what he had done to the poor corpse. Well, whin the morning kem, my father says to me, " Go, Sbamus," says be, " to the shed, and bid poor Paddy come in, and take share o' the pratees ; for I go bail he's ready for his breakquest by this, anyhow." PADDY TnE TIPER. 49 Well, out I wint to the cow-bouse, and called out " Paddy !" and afther callin' three or four times, and gettin' no answer, I wint in, and called agin, and divil an answer I got still. " Blood-an-agers !" says I, " Paddy, where are you, at all, at all ?" and so, castin' my eyes about the shed, I seen two feet sticking out from undher the hape o' straw. " Musha ! thin," says I, " bad luck to you, Paddy, but you're fond of a warm corner; and maybe you havn't made yourself as snug as a flay in a blanket ? But I'll disturb your dhrames, I'm thinkin'," says I, and with that, I laid hould of his heels (as I thought), and givin' a good pull to waken him, as I in- tiudid, away I wint, head over heels, and my brains was a'most knocked out agin the wall. Well, whin I recovered myself, there I was, ou the broad o' my back, and two tilings stickin' out o ? my hands, like a pair of Hussbian's horse-pistils ; and I thought the sight 'd lave my eyes whin I seen they wor two mortial legs. Myjew'l, I threw thim down like a hot pratce, andjumpin' up, I roared out millia murthcr. "Oh, you murtherin' villain," says T, slinking my fist at the cow — "Oh, you unnath'ral baste," says I ; "you've ate poor Paddy, you thievin' cannablo ; you're worse than a neyger," says I. " And bad luck to you, how dainty you are, that nothin' 'd serve you for your supper but the best piper in Ireland !" ******* With that I ran out, for throth I didn't like to be near her; and goin' into the house, I tould them all about it. " Arrah ! be aisy," says my father. " Bad luck to the lie I tell you," says I. " la it ate Paddy "." says thi '• Divil a doubl of it," Bays I. " Are yon sure, Shaimis f" sa\ J u:\ mother. •■ I w i i: I .' are of a new pair of brogues," sayr. I. ■ Bad luck to the bit Bhe bas lefl Iv him bul his two legs." "And do you tell me that she ate the pipes too ?'' says my father. 50 TADDY THE PIPER. " By gar, I b'lieve so," says I. " Oh, the divil fly away wid her," says he ; " what a cruel taste she has for music !" " Arrah !" says ruy mother, " don't be cursing the cow that gives milk to the childer." "Yis, I will," says my father ; " why shouldn't I curse sitch an unnath'ral baste ?" "You oughtn't to curse any livin' that's undher your roof," says my mother. " By my sowl, thin," says my father, " she shan't be undher my roof any more ; for I'll send her to the fair this minit," says he, " and sell her for whatever she'll bring. Go aff," says he, " Shamus, the minit you've ate your breakquest, and dhrive her to the fair." " Troth, I dou't like to dhrive her," says I. "Arrah, don't be makin' a gommagb of yourself," says he. " Faith, I don't," says I. " Well, like or no like," says he, "you must dhrive her." * * * * * * * Well, away we wint along the road, and mighty throng'd it wuz wid the boys and the girls, and, in short, all sorts, rich and poor, high and low, crowdin' to the fair. " God save you," says one to me. " God save you, kindly," says I. " That's a fine beast you're dhrivin," says he. " Troth she is," says I; though God knows it wint agin my heart to say a good word for the likes of her. . . . I dhriv her into the thick av the fair, whin all of asuddint, as I kem to the door av a tint, up sthruck the pipes to the tune av ' Tattherin' Jack Walsh,' and myjew'l, in a minit, the cow cock'd her ears, and was makin' a dart at the tint. " Oh, murther !" says I to the boys standin' by ; " hould her," says I, "hould her— she ate one piper already, the vagabone, and bad luck to her, she wants another now." " Is it a cow for to ate a piper?" says one o' thim. "Divil a word o' lie in it, for I seen it's corpse myself, TADDY TIIE riPEK. 51 and nothin' left but the two legs," says I ; " and it's a folly to be sthrivin' to hide it, for I see she'll never lave it off — as Poor Paddy Grogau knows to his cost, Lord be mar- ciful to him." •• Who's that takin' my name in vain t" says a voice in the crowd; and with that, shovin' the throng a one side, who the divil should I see but Paddy Grogau, to all ap- pearance. " Oh, hould him too," says I ; " keep him aff me, for it's not himself at all, but his ghost," says I ; " for he was kilt last night, to my sartin knowledge, every inch av him, all to his legs." Well, sir, with that, -Paddy — for it was Paddy himself, as it kem out afther — fell a laughin' so that you'd think his sides 'ud split. And whin he kem to himself, he ups and he tould uz how it was. as I tould you already. And av eoorse the poor slandered cow was dhruv home agin, and many a quiet day she had wid uz afther that: and whin she died, throth, my father had sich a regard for the poor thing that he had her skinned, and an illigant pair of breeches made out iv her hide, and it's in tho fam'ly to this day. And isn't it mighty remarkable, what I'm goin' to tell you now, but it's as thrue as I'm here, that from that out, any one that has thim breeches an, tho minit a pair 0' pipes Bthrikes up, they can't rest, but goes jiggin' and jiggin' in their sate, and never stops as long as •the pipes is plavin and there, there is the wry breeches that's an me now, and a line pair they are this minit. SCHNEIDEB SEES LEAH. i ■ loanrsn. I vant to dold you vat [1 i . dotfl a putty nice play. Do, dol you see Leah, she runscro is pridge, mit oe fellers chasin her mit putty big Bhtics. Dej ketch her right in de middle of der edge, und der leader, (dot's 52 SCITXEIDEIl SEES LEAH. dc villen) lie sez of her, "Dot its better ven she dies, und dot he coodent allow it dot she can lif." Und de Oder fel- lers hollers out " So ve vill ;" " Gife her somedeth ;" "Kill her putty quick ;" " Shinack her of der jaw," uud such dings; und chust as dey vill kill her, do priest says of dera, " Dond you do dot," und dey shtop dot putty quick. In der nexd seen, dot Leah meets Rudolph (dots her feller) in de voods. Before dot he comes in, she sits of de bottom of a cross, und she dond look pooty lifely, und she says, "Rudolph, Rudolph, how is dot, dot you dond come und see aboud me ? You didn't shpeak of me for tree days long. I vant to dold you vot it is, dot ain't some luf. I dond like dot." Veil, Rudolph he dond vas dere, so he coodent sed something. But ven he comes in, she dells of him dot she luf's him orful, and he says dot he guess he lufs her orful too, und vants to know vood she leef dot place, und go oud in some oder country mit him. tnd she says, "I told you, I vill;" und he says, "Dots all right," und he tells her he vill meet her soon, und dey vill go vay dogedder. Den he kisses her und goes oud, und she feels honkey dorey bond dot. Yell, in der nexd seen, Rudolph's old man finds oud all aboud dot, und he don'd feel putty goot ; und he says of Rudolph, " Yood you leef me, und go mit dot gal?" und Rudolph feels putty had. He don'd know vot he shall do. Und der old man he says " I dold you vot I'll do. De skoolmaster (dot's de villen) says dot she mighd dook some money to go vay. Now, Rudolph, my poy, I'll gif de skoolmaster sum money to gif do her, und if she don'd dook dot money, I'll let you marry dot gal." Yen Rudolph hears dis, he chumps mit joyness, und says " Fader, fader, dot's all righd. Dot's pully. I baed you anydings she voodent dook dot money." Yell, de old man gif de skool- master de money, und dells him dot he shall offer dot of her. Yell, dot pluddy skoolmaster comes back und says dot Leah dook dot gold righd avay ven she didn't do dot. SCH2TEIDEE SEES LEAH. 53 Den do old man says, "Didn't I told you so ?" und Rudolph gits so vild dot be svears dot she can't baf someding more to do mit him. So veu Leah vill meet him in de roods, be don'd vas dere, und she feels orful, und goes avay. Bime- by sbe comes up to Rudolph's house. She feels putty bad, und she knocks of de door. De old man comes oud, und says, •• Got out of dot, you orful vooman. Don'd you come round after my boy again, else I put you in de dooms." Und she says, "Chust let me see Rudolph vonce, und I \iil vauder avay." So den Rudolph comes oud, und she vants to rush of his arms, but dot pluddy fool voodent allow dot. lie chucks her avay, und says, "Don'd you touch me, uf you please, you deceitfulness gal." I dold you vot it is, dot looks ruff for dot poor gal. Und she is extouished, und says, "Vot is dis aboud dot?" Und Rudolph, orful mad, says, " Got oudsiedt, you iguomonous vooman." Und she feels so orful she coodent said a vord, and she goes oud. Afterwards, Rudolph gits married to anoder gal in a sliurch. Veil, Leah, who is vandcring eferyveres, happens to go in dot shurchyard to cry, chust at de same dime of Rudolph's marriage, vich she don'd know someding aboud. Putty soon she bears de organ, und she says dere is somo beeples gitten married, und dot it vill do her unhappiness »t if sbe sees dot. So she looks in de vinder, und veil she sees who dot is, my graciousness, don'd she holler, und shvears vengeance. Putty soon Rudolph chumpsoud iudo der shurchyard to got some air. He says be don'd feel putty good. Putty sumo <\f\ see eacb oder, uud dey bad a Orful dime. He says of her, " Leah, bow is dot you been ben;.'" I'nd :lw says mit big scorni'iilness, " Got oud of . yon beat. Bow is dot, you got cbeek to talk of me t dot vitcb you hafe done." Den be says, " Veil, \ot for you dooli dot gold, you fal e-hearded leetle gal V und ' Vo\ Old is dot I I didn't dook some; gold." I'nd ho says, " Don'd you dold a lie aboud dot !" Sbe says 54 SCHNEIDER SEES LEAH slowfully, " I told you I didn't dook some gold. Vot gold is dot ?" Und den Rudolph tells her all aboud dot, und she says, " Dot is a orful lie. I didn't seen some gold ;" und she adds mit much sarkasrnness, "Und you beliefed I dook dot gold. Dot's de vorst I efer heered. Now, on ac- cound of dot, I vill gif you a few gurses." Und den she svears mit orful voices dot Mister Kain's gurse should git on bim, und dot he coodent never git any happiness efery- vere ; no matter vere he is. Den she valks off. Veil, den a long dime passes avay, und den you see Rudolph's farm. He has got a nice vife, und a putiful leetle child. Purty soon Leah comes in, being shased, as ushual, by fellers mit shticks. She looks like she didn't ead someding for two monds. Rudolph's vife sends off dot mop, und Leah gits avay again. Den dot nice leedle child comes oud, und Leah comes back ; und ven she sees dot child, don'd she feel orful aboud dot, und she says mit affect fulness, " Come here, leedle child, I voodn'd harm you ;" und dot nice lee- dle child goes righd up, und Leah chumps on her, und grabs her in her arms, und gries, und kisses her. Oh ! my graciousness, don'd she gry aboud dot. Tou got to blow your noses righd avay. I vant to dold you vat it is, dot looks pully. Und den she says vile she gries, " Leedle childs, don'd you got some names ?" Und dot leedle child shpeaks oud so nice, pless her leedle hard, und says, "Oh! yes. My name dot's Leah, und my papa tells me dot I shall pray for you efery nighd." Oh ! my goodnessness, don'd Leah gry orful ven she hears dot. I dold you vat it is, dot's a shplaindid ding. Und quick comes dem tears in your eyes, und you look up ad de vail, so dot noboby can'd see dot, und you make oud you don'd care aboud it. But your eyes gits fulled up' so quick dot you couldn'd keep dem in, und de tears comes down of your face like a shnow storm, und den you don'd care a tarn if efery body sees dot. Und Leah kisses her und gries like dot her heart's broke, und CALDWELL OF SPRINGFIELD. 55 she dooks off dot gurse from Rudolph und goes avay. Do child den dell her fader und ruuder aboud dot, und dey pring her back. Den dot mop comes back und vill kill her again but she exposes dot skoolmaster, dot villain, und dot fixes him. Den she falls down in Rudolph's arms, und your eyes gits fulled up again, und you can'd see someding more. I like to haf as many glasses of beer as dere is gryin chust now. You couldn't help dot any vay. Und if I see a gal vot don'd gry in dot piece, I voodu't marry dot gal, efen if her fader owned a pig prewery. Und if I see a feller vot don'd gry, I voodu't dook a trink of lager bier mit him. Veil, afder de piece is oud, you feel so bad, und so goot, dot you must ead a few pieces of hot stuff do drife avay der plues. But I told you vat it is, dot's a pally piece, I baed you, don'd it ? CALDWELL OF SPRINGFIELD. KKKT HAUTE. Here's the spot. Look around you. Above, on the height, Lay the Hesaiana encamped. By that church on the right Stood the gaunt Jersey fanners. And ljere ran a wall — You may dig anywhere ami you'll turn up a hall. Nothing more. Grasses spring, waters run, flowers blow, Pretty much as they did ninety-three years ago. Nothing more, did I say? Stay, one moment; yonVe heard Of Caldwell, the parsOU, who unci! preached the Word Down at Springfield ? What ! no ? Come, that's bad ; why he had All the .]t-r.«-y^, aflame ! ami they gave him the name Of "the rebel bigb priest." He stuck in their gorge, For he loved the Lord God, and he bated King George ! He had i onmigbteayl When the He iana that day liarched up with Knyphanaen, they Btopped on their way At the " Farms," when; his wife, with a child in her arms, lone in the hou-e. How it happened, none knew But Qod, .■mil that, one of the hireling crew Who fired tin- shot. Bnonghl then- she lay, And Caldwell, the chaplain, her husband, awa ' 50 AUTEMTJS WAED'S TAXOEAMA. Did he preach— did he pray ? Think of him, as you stand By the old church, to-day ; think of him, and that band Of militant plowboys ! See the smoke and the heat Of that reckless advance— of that straggling retreat ! Keep the ghost of that wife, foully slain, in your view— And what could you, what should you, what would you do ? Why, just what he did ! They were left in the lurch For the want of more wadding. He ran to the church, Broke the door, stripped the pews, and dashed out in the road 'With his arms full of hymn-books, and threw down his load At their feet ! Then, above all the shouting and shots, Rang his voice—" Put Watts into 'em, boys ! give 'em Watts ! And they did. That is all. Grasses spring, flowers blow, Pretty much as they did ninety-three years ago. Tou may dig anywhere and turn up a ball, But not always a hero like this— and that's all. ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA— " AMONG THE MORMONS." ARTKMUS WAISD. Ladies and Gentlemen : Should you be dissatisfied with anything here to-night. I will admit you all free when I show in New Zealand— if you will cqnie to me there for the passes. I am not an artist. I dou't paint myself, though per- haps if I were a middle-aged siugle lady of some forty-five summers, I should ; yet I have a passion for pictures. I have had a great many pictures— photographs— taken of myself. Some of them are very pretty— rather sweet to look at— for a short time — and wear a look of moral tur- .peutine that is worth an independent fortune to me. I have an uncle who takes photographs, and I have a ser- vant who— takes anything he can get his hands on. I once undertook to be a sculptor— and was often two weeks on a bust— but finding it wearing upon me, I gave it up. AJBTBMUS WARD'S l'AXORAMA. £7 I like music— I can't sing. As a singist I am not a suc- cess. I am saddest when I sing— so are those who hear me. This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil-painting painted in oil — dune in petroleum. It is by the Old Mas- ters. It was the last thing they did before dying. They did this and then expired. Some of the greatest artists in New York come here every morning before daylight, with lanterns, to look at it. Some say they never saw anything like it before— others, going farther, say they hope they never may again. When I first exhibited this picture in New York, the audience were so enthusiastic in their ad- miration, that they called for the artist— and when he ap- peared, they— threw— things— at him. Owing to a slight indisposition we will now have an in- termission of fifteen minutes. But, ah— during the inter- mission I will go on with my lecture! This benevolent looking old gentleman you see in the foreground is second in authority to Brigham Young. One day he came to me with tears in his eyes. I said : '• Why this thusness ? Why these weeps V He told me he had a mortgage on his farm— and wanted to borrow $1,000. I lent him the money— and he went away. Some time after he returned with more weeps. Be said he must leave mo forever, [ventured to remind him of the money he had borrowed. Be was much cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him, so told him I would throw up $500. Be brightened— shook my hand— and said— "Old friend, 1 won't allow you to outdo me in generosity— I will throw up the other five hundred." This building on the right is the Mormon theatre, and it here I made my first appearance as an actor- and made the great hit of my life. I wish you could have sen me— I have a fine education -you may have noticed it— and chew tobacco m fourteen different languages. The play was the " B d of Pompeii"— I played the Ruins. I 58 SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIRL. rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself and family. — I knew he was married — hut did not know he was so much married — he brought 84 wives and 987 chil- dren — and they filled the room to overflowing. It was a great success — hut no money. The next night we played the beautiful domestic tragedy of Eomeo and Juliet — but it did not go down. The audience thought it made alto- gether too much fuss over one woman. The third night I played Eomeo to 15 Juliets and it went down very well. These animals that look like rocks — are horses. I know they are, because my artist says so. For two years before I discovered this fact I exhibited them as cows. The art- ist came to me about six months ago, and said, " It is use- less to disguise it from you any longer — they are horses." In painting them he fractured his right trachea, which brought on an attack of — new-mown hay. This road which you see, leadiug over the mountains, is one thousand miles in length — I traveled the whole distance in a stage-coach, but am happy to state that since that time a railroad has been built. The length of the railroad is ten miles — thus leaving only nine hundred and ninety miles to be traveled by stage — which breaks the monotony of the journey. • » • SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIEL. JOHN QUILL. Mary Ann was a hired girl. She was called " hired," chiefly because she always ob- jected to having her wages lowered. Mary Ann was of foreign extraction, and she said she was descended from a line of kings. But nobody ever saw her descend, although they admitted that there must have been a great descent from a king to Mary Ann. And Mary Aun never had any father and mother. As far as it could be ascertained, she was spontaneousl}' born in an intelligence office. SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIRL. 59 It was called an intelligence office because there was no intelligence about it, excepting an intelligent way they had of chiseling you out of two-dollar bills. The early youth of Mary Ann was passed in advertising for a place, and in sitting on a hard bench, dressed in a bonnet and speckled shawl and three-ply carpeting, suck- ing the end of a parasol. Her nose began well, and had evidently been conceived in an artistic spirit, but there seemed not to have been stuff enough, as it was left half finished, and knocked up- wards at the end. She said she would never live anywhere where they didn't have Brussels carpet in the kitchen, and a family that would take her to the sea-shore in summer. And as she knew absolutely nothing, she said she must have five dollars a week as a slight compensation for having to take the trouble to learn. Mary Ann was eccentric, and she would often boil her stockings in the tea-kettle, and wipe the dishes with her calico frock. Her brother was a bricklayer, and he used to send her letters sealed up with a dab of mortar, and it was thus, perhaps, she conceived the idea that hair was a good thing to mix in to hold things together, and so she always intro- duced some of her own into the biscuit. But Mary Ann was fond —yes, passionately fond— of work. So much did she love it that she dilly-dallied with it, and seemed to hate to get it done. She was often very much absorbed in her work. In (act, she was an absorb- ing person, and many other things were absorbed besides Mary Ann. Butter, beef, and eggs, were all absorbed, I nobody ever knew where they went to. And Whenever Mary Ann had to make boned turkey, used to bone the turkey so effectually that nobody could tell what had beeome of it. And if she so much as laid her little finger on a saucer, GO SORROWFUL TALE OF A SERVANT GIRL. that identical saucer would immediately fall ou the floor and be shattered to atoms. But Mary Ann would merely say that if the attraction of gravitation was very powerful in that spot she was not to blame for it, for she had no control over the laws of na- ture. Uncles seem to have been one of Mary Ann's weaknesses; for she had some twenty or thirty cousins, all males, who came to see her every night, and there was a mysterious and inexplicable connection betweeu their visits and the condition of the pantry, which nobody could explain. There was something shadowy and obscure about it, for when- ever Mary's cousins came, there was always a fading away in the sugar-box, and low tide in the flour-barrel. It was strange — but true. Mary Ann was troubled with absence of mind, but this was not as strong a suit with her as absence of body, for her Sunday out used to come twice a week, and sometimes three times a week. But she always went to church, she said, and she thought it was right to neglect her work for her faith, for she be- lieved that faith was better than works. But if the beginning of Mary Ann was strange, how ex- traordinary was her ending! She never died — Mary Ann was not one of your perishable kind. But she suddenly disappeared. One day she was there full of life and spirits and hope and cooking wine, and the next day she wasn't, and the place that once knew her knew her no more. Where she went to, how she went, by what means she went, no one could tell ; but it was regarded as a singular coincidence that eight napkins, a soup-ladle, five silver spoons, a bonnet, two dresses, two ear-rings, and a lot of valuable green-backs melted away at the same time, and it is supposed that the person who stole Mary Ann away must have captured these also. HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL. 61 HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL. In years by-gone, before the famous Rockaway Pavilion was built, the Half-way-House, at Jamaica, Long Island, used to be filled with travelers to the sea-shore, who put up there, and visited the beach either in their own or in hired vehicles, during the day. One warm summer even- ing, when the house was unusually crowded, an English- man rode up in a gig, and asked for accommodation for the night. The landlord replied that all his rooms were taken, and all his beds, except one, which was in a suite of rooms occupied by a French gentleman. " If you and Monsieur can agree to room together," said the landlord, " there is an excellent vacant bed there." The traveler replied, " No, I cannot sleep in the same room with a devil of a Frenchman," and off he rode with all the gram looks of a real John Bull. In about half an hour, however, he came back, saying that as he could find no other lodgings, he believed he would have to accept the Frenchman as a room-mate. Meantime his first ill-natured remark had somehow reached the French gentleman's ears, and ho resolved to pay off Johnny in his own coin. On being shown to the apartment, the Englishman stalked in in his accustomed haughty manner, while the Frenchman, as is usual with his nation, rose and received him with smiles and hows— in short, he was more precisely polite than usual— Sarcastically so, a keen observer would have thought. Not a word passed between the two, lmt soon the Englishman gave a pull at the bell-cord. Tho Frenchman quietly rose from his seat and gave the string two pulls. On the appearance of the waiter, Bull said — "Waiter, I want supper; order me a beefsteak and a, eup of tea." The Frenchman instantly said — " Yataire, ordaire two cup tea and two bifsteak; I vant two suppaire I" 62 HOW A FRENCHMAN ENTERTAINED JOHN BULL. Bull started and looked grum, but said nothing. The Frenchman elevated his eyebrows, and took a huge pinch of snuff'. When supper was ready, the two sat down, and ate for a while in silence, when the Englishman said " Waiter, bring me a bottle of Burgundy." The waiter started on his errand, but before reaching the door, the Frenchman called to him — " Vataire, come back here ! you bring me two bottle Burgundy." Bull knit his brows ; Monsieur • elevated his, shrugged bis shoulders, and took another pinch of snuff. The wine was brought, and while quaffing it, the Englishman said — "Waiter, bring me an apple-tart, and a what d'ye call it, there — a Charlotte de Russe." Monsieur then called to the waiter — "Bring me two of de apple tart, and two vat de diable you call him — Sh-Sh- Sharlie-de-Ross." Bull's patience was now exhausted, and before the last order could be executed, he started from his seat and rung the bell. The Frenchman went to the string and gave it two violent piills. The waiter (who was almost convulsed with laughter) came hurrying back, when Bull roared out, "Waiter, never mind the Charlotte-de-Russe ; bring me up a boot-jack and a pair of slippers." The Frenchman responded — " Vataire, you no mind to bring two of de Sharlie-de-Ross, but you bring two slip- paire, and two shack-boot." Before there was time to bring theso articles, Bull had thoroughly lost his temper, and when the waiter appeared with them, he thundered out — " Waiter, bring me a caudle ; and if you have no room in the house with a bed in it, besides this, show me a set- tee, or a lounge, or a couple of chairs, or, in short, any place where I can rest in peace by myself." - Monsieur instantly called out — "Stop, vataire ; you sail bring me two candle, and if you have no room with two bed in him, you sail bring mo two lounge, two settee, and two chair ! by gar, I vill rest in two pieces !" TIAAIONDTS ON DER TRAIN. C3 Bull could stand it uo longer. He kicked the boot-jack out of the way and made a rush for the door, banged his head in an attempt to open it, ran against the waiter at the head of the stairs, when both tumbled to the bottom, darted into the bar-room; paid his bill, and ordered up his horse and gig, swearing he would never sleep in the house with a mad Frenchman. TIAMONDTS ON DER PRAIN. Hans geebs a millinery shtore py Shtate shtreet out, und vas hereditary on der soopject of dhem tiamondts. Ofer a mans comes on his hause mit shooelry of efery kindts, Hans vas got some affecktions about him. Von tay dhere comes py his pblace von Mister Shmid. Now, dot shen- dlemans vears py his bosom a tiamondt bin, und von of der bulliest kindt. Hans sh peaks mit him und says: "Veil, Mister Shmid, how you vas? Dot ish a nice tay pehindt noon, Mister Shmid." "Yah, Hans; id vas shure a goot tay." " You dond vas pooty goot lookin to-day, Mister Shmid. You got some mellongholly. Aiud itf Vat ish der tifficuldy ?" "Veil, Hans, dot ish recht. I have some mellongholly py me. No longer as von veek ago mine sis- ter she vas dook sick und died, und now I got some sad indelligence dot mine mudder she vas on her death-ped." " [sh dot so, Mister Shmid '? Veil, I dhnily sympadises mit yon. Some dime ago mine brodder vas gone died, und I reel fery pad now. i yoosl got some indeUigences, too, dot mine leetle cousin vas been dookiu sick und vood die. I loirs dot leedle cousin and dol cousin lofes me, und efery time \ lieu I goes me of her bause, \ lien der nite be vas comes, "line, ''Coot uacht, cousin Hans, und dhen on der fhloor, py ber petside, and, mit her leedle ban he brays to der Great Got Almighdy, — Ish dot a tiamondt youvearon your bosom, .Mister Shmid?" G4 KING ROBERT OF SICILY. KING ROBERT OF SICILY. READ BY J. M. BELLEW. H. w. lo.ngfellow. Robert of Sicily, brother of Pope Urbane And Yalmond, Emperor of Allemaine, Appareled in magnificent attire, With retinue of many a knight and squire, On St. John's eve, at vespers, proudly sat And heard the priests chant the Magnificat. And as he listened, o'er and o'er again Repeated, like a burden or refrain, He caught the words, " Deposuit potcntes Be sede, et exaltavit humiles ;" And slowly lifting up his kingly head, He to a learned clerk beside him said, " What mean those words V The clerk made answer meet, " He has put down ttre mighty from their seat, And has exalted them of low degree." Thereat King Robert muttered scornfully, 'f'Tis well that such seditious words are sung Only by priests, and in the Latin tongue ; For unto priests and people be it known, There is no power can push me from my throne!" And leaning back, he yawned and fell asleep, Lulled by the chant monotonous and deep. When he awoke, it was already night ; The church was empty, and there was no light, Save where the lamps that glimmered, few and faint, Lighted a little space before some saint. He started from his seat and gazed around, But saw no living thing and heard no sound. He groped towards the door, but it was locked ; He cried aloud, and listened, and then knocked, And uttered awful threatenings and complaints, And imprecations upon men and saints. The sounds re-echoed from the roof and walls As if dead priests were laughing in their stalls. KIXG ROBERT OF SICILY. 65 At length the sexton, hearing from without The tumult of the knocking and the shout, And thinking thieves were in the house of prayer, Came with his lantern, asking, " "Who is there ?" Half choked with rage, King Robert fiercely said, "Open ; 'tis I, the King! Art thou afraid?" The frightened sexton, muttering with a curse, " This is some drunken vagabond, or worse I" Turned the great key and flung the portal wide ; A man rushed by him at a single stride, Haggard, half naked, without hat or cloak, TT ho neither turned, nor looked at him, nor spoko, But leaped into the blackness of the night, And vanished like a spectre from his sight. Robert of Sicily, brother of Pope Urbane And Yalmond, Emperor of Allemaine, Despoiled of his maguificent attire, Bare-headed, breathless, and besprent with mire, "With sense of wrong and outrage desperate, Strode on and thundered at the palace gate; Rushed through the court-yard, thrusting in his rage To right and left each seneschal and page, And hurried up the broad and Bounding stair, nis white face ghastly in the torches' glare. From hall to hall he passed with breathless speed ; Voices and cries he heard, but, did not heed, Until at last he reached Hie banquet-room, Blazing with light, and breathing with perfume. Then; on the dais sat another kin,L r , Wearing his robe-, hie crown, bis signet-ring — King Robert's Belfin features, form, and height, But all transfigured with angelic light I It was an anirel ; and his presence there With a divine effulgence filled the air, An exaltation, piercing the disguise, Though none the hidden angel recognise. ,\ moment peecbless, motionless, amazed, The throne! ess monarch on the angel gazed, Who met his look., of anger and surprise 66 KING ROBERT OF SICILY." "With the divine compassion of his eyes ! Then said, " Who art thou and why com'st thou here ?" To which King Robert answered with a sneer, " I am the king, and come. to claim my own From an impostor, who usurps my throne !" And suddenly, at these audacious words, TJp sprang the angry guests, and drew their swords ; The angel answered, with unruffled brow, " Kay, not the king, but the king's jester ; thou Henceforth shalt wear the bells and scalloped cape, And for thy counselor shalt lead an ape ; Thou shalt obey my servants when they call, And wait upon my henchmen in the hall I" Deaf to King Kobert's threats and cries and prayers, They thrust him from the hall and down the stairs ; A group of tittering pages ran before, And as they opened wide the folding-door, His heart failed, for he heard, with strange alarms, The boisterous laughter of the men-at-arms, And all the vaulted chamber roar and ring With the mock plaudits of " Long live the King !" Next morning, waking with the day's first beam, He said within himself, " It was a dream !" But the straw rustled as he turned his head, There were the cape aud bells beside his bed ; Around him rose the bare, discolored walls, r Close by the steeds were champ'ing in their stalls, And in the corner, a revolting shape, Shivering and chattering, sat the wretched ape. It was no dream ; the world he loved so much Had turned to dust and ashes at his touch ! Days came and went ; and now returned again To Sicily the old Saturnian reign ; Under the angel's governance benign The happy island danced with corn and wine. Meanwhile King Robert yielded to his fate, Sullen and silent and disconsolate. Dressed in the motley garb that jesters wear, KIXG EOBEBT OF SICILY. G7 With looks bewildered, and a vacant stare, Close shaven above the ears, as monks are shorn, By courtiers mocked, by pages laughed to scorn, His only friend the ape, his only food "What others h ft — he still was unsubdued. And -when the angel met him on his way, And half in earnest, half in jest, would say, Sternly, though tenderly, that he might feel The velvet scabbard held a sword of steel, "Art thou the king I" the passion of his woe Burst from him in resistless overflow. And lifting high his forehead, he would fling The haughty answer back, " I am, I am the king!" Almost three years were ended, when there came Amhassadors of great repute and name From Valmond, Emperor of Allemaine, Unto King Robert, saying that Pope Urbane By letter summoned them forthwith to come On Holy Thursday to his city of Koine. The angel journeyed with them o'er the sea Into the lovely land of Italy. And Io ! among the menials, in mock state, Upon a piebald steed, with shambling gait, His cloak of foxtails flapping in the wind, The solemn ape demurely perched behind King Robert rode, making huge merrimen! In all the country towns through which they went. The Pope received them with great pomp, and blare Of bannered trumpets, <>n St. Peter's Square, Giving his benediction and embrace, fervent, and full of apostolic graee. "While with Congratulations and with prayers Be entertained the angel unaw ares, Robert, theje ter, bursting through the crowd, Into their pre ence rushed, and cried aloud : "I am the king! Look and behold in me Robert) yourbrother, King of Sicily ! Thi man, who weai - my emblance to your < 3 1 6.8 KING ROBERT OF SICILY. Is an impostor in a king's disguise. Do you not know me ? Does no voice -within Answer my cry, and say we are akin ?" The Pope in silence, but with troubled mien, Gazed at the angel's countenance serene , The Emperor, laughing, said, '• It is strange sport To keep a madman for thy fool at court !" And the poor, baffled jester, in disgrace TVas hustled back among the populace. In solemn state the holy week went by, And Easter Sunday gleamed upon the sky ; The presence of an augel, with its light, Before the sun rose, made the city bright, And with new fervor filled the hearts of men, "Who felt that Christ indeed had risen again. Even the jester, on his bed of straw, "With haggard eyes the unwonted splendor saw; He felt within, a power unfelt before, And, kneeling humbly on his chamber floor, He heard the rushing garments of the Lord Sweep through the silent air, ascending heavenward. And now the visit ending, and once more Yalmond returning to the Danube's shore, Homeward the angel journeyed, and again The land was made resplendent with his train. And when once more within Palermo's wall, And, seated on his throne in his great hall, He heard the Angelus from convent towers, As if the better world conversed with ours, He beckoned to King Robert to draw nigher, And with a gesture bade the rest retire. And when they were alone, the angel said, "Art thou the king?" Then bowing down his head, King Robert crossed both hands upon his breast, And meekly answered him, " Thou knowest best ! My sins as scarlet are ; let me go hence, And in some cloister's school of penitence, .Across those stones that pave the way to heaven "Walk barefoot till my guilty soul is shriven !" GLOVER-SOX, THE MORMOX. GO The angel smiled, and from his radiant face A holy light illumined all the place, And through the open window. Loud and clear, They heard the monks chant in the chapel near, Ahove the stir and tumult of the street, '• He has put down the mighty from their seat, And has exalted them of low degree !" And through the chant a second melody Hose like the throbbing of a single string : "Iamau angel, and thou art the King !" King Robert, who was standing near the throne, Lifted his eyes, and lo ! he was alone ! But all appareled as in days of old, With ermined mantle and with cloth of gold; And when hi.-, courtiers came, they found him there, Kneeling upon the floor, ahsorhed in silent prayer. GLOVERSOX, THE MORMON. IIITEII'S WARD. Chameb I. THE MOKMo.v's DEPAKT0BE. The morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave Great Salt Lake City with a mule-train dawned beautifully. Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with an interesting family of twenty young and handsome wives. His unions had never been blessed with children. often as once a year ho used to go to Omaha, in Ne- braska, with a mule-train, for goods ; but although he had performed the rather perilous journey many times with en- tire safety, his heart was strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy forebodings. The time for his departure bad arrived. The high- spirited mules were at the door, impatiently champing their bits. The Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives. ■• Dearest >><^ it not show that whatever number of per- sons one, woman may consist of— well, never mind what it shows. 74 DE PINT WID OLE PETE. DE PINT WID OLE PETE. ANONTMOUS. Upon the hurricane deck of one of our gunboats, an el- derly darkey, with a very philosophical and retrospective cast of countenance, squatted on his bundle, toasting his shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged into a state of profound meditation. Finding, upon inquiry, that he belonged to the Ninth Illinois, one of the most gallantly behaved and heavy losing regiments at the Fort Douelson battle, I began to interrogate him upon the subject. " Were you in the fight !" • " Had a little taste of it, sa." " Stood your ground, did you V " No, sa ; I runs." " Run at the first fire, did you ?" "Yes, sa; and would hab run soona, had I knowd it war comin'." " Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage." " Massa, dat isn't my line, sa; cookin's my profeshun." " Well, but have you no regard for your reputation ?" "Yah, yah ; reputation's nuffin to me by de sideob life." " Do you consider your life worth more than other people's ?" " It is worth more to me, sa." " Then you must value it very highly ?" " Yes, sa, I does ; more dan all dis world, more dan a million ob dollars, sa ; for what would dat be wuth to a man wid de bref out ob him? Self-preserbation am do fust law wid me." " But why should you act upon a different rule from other men ?" "Because different men set different values upon their lives ; mine is not in de market." "But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you died for your country." PAT AND THE PIG. 7 J " What satisfaction would dat be to me when de power ob feelin' was gone V " Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you?" •• Xuffin whatever, sa; I regard them as among the van- ities." "If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have bro- ken up the government without resistance." " Yes, sa ; dar would hab been no help for it." " Do you think any of your company would have missed you, if you had been killed?" " Maybe not, sa; a dead white man ain't much to dese sogers, let alone a dead nigga ; but I'd a missed myself, and dat was de pint wid me." PAT AND THE PIG. ANOXYMOl'8. "We have read of a Pat so financially flat That he had neither money nor meat, And when hungry and thin, it was whispered by sin That he ought to steal something to eat. So he went to the sty of a widow near by, And he gazed on the tenant— poor soul ! " Arrah now," said he, " what a trate that'll be," And the pig of the widow he stole. In a feast he rejoiced ; then he went to a Judge; For, in spite of the pork and the lard, There was something within that was sharp as a pin, For his conscience was pricking him hard. And he said with a tear, " "Will your Etiverence hoar What I have in sorrow to s.i . Then the Btory be told, and the tale did unfold Of tin; pig he had taken away. Ami the Judge to him Baid, " Ere yon go to your bed, You mud pay for the pig yon have taken, Pot 'ii thus, by my sou], you'll be Baving your soul, And will also be saving your bacon." 76 WIDOW bedott's letter to elder sniffles. " Oh, be jabers," said Pat, " I cau niver do that — iSTot the ghost of a hap'orth have I — And I'm wretched indade, if a penny it nade Any pace for rne conscience to buy." Then in sorrow be cried, and the Judge be replied, " Only think how you'll tremble with fear When the Judge you shall meet at the great judgment seat And the widow you plundered while here." " Will the widow be there ?" whispered Pat, with a stare, " And the pig ? by me sowl, is it thrue V " They will surely be there," said the Judge, " I declare, And, oh Paddy ! what then will you do ?" " Many thanks," answered Pat, " for your telling me that ; May the blessings upon you be big ! On that sittlemintday to the widow I'll say, ' Mrs. Flannegan, here is your pig !' " THE WIDOW BEDOTT'S LETTER TO ELDER SNIFFLES. IT; M. WH1TCHER. Sence the first time I beered you preach, I've had au uixliscribable desire to have some privit conversashun with you in regard to the state of my mind— your discourse was so wonderful sarcbin that I felt to mourn over my back- slidden state of stewpidity, and my consarn increased every time I've set under the droppius of your sanctuery. Last night, when I beered of your sickness* I felt wonderful overcome ; onable to conseal my aggitation, I retired to my chamber, and bust into a flood of tears. I felt for you, elder Sniffles — I felt for you. I was wonderful exercised in view of your lone condition. Ob, it's a terrible thing to be alone in the world ! I know all about it by experience, for I've been pardnerless for nigh twelve year j it's a trying thing, but I thought 'twas better to be alone than to run enny risk — for yer know it's "WILOW bedott's letter to elder sniffles. 77 runniu' a great risk to take a second companion, espeshelly if they ain't decidedly pious — and them that's tried to per- swade me to change my condition, dident none of 'em give very satisfactory evidence of piety — 'taint for me to say how inenny I've refused on account of their want of religion ac- cordin' to my notions, riches and grander ain't to he com- pared to religion, no how you can fix it, and I always told 'em so. But I was tellin' how overcome I was when I heered of your being attacked with infiueuzy. I felt as if I must go right over and take care of you. I wouldent desire no better intertainment than to nuss you up, and if it 'twaut for the speech of peeple, I'd fly to your rolefe instanter, but 1 know 'twould make talk, and so I'm necessitated to stay away. But I felt so consarned about you that I couldn't help writin' these few lines to you to let you know how anxious 1 be on your account, and to beg of you to take care of yourself. Oh elder, do be careful — the influenzy's a dan- gerous eppidemik, if you let it run on without attendin' to it in season — do be careful — consider what a terrible thing 'twould be for you to be took away in the height of yer ^usefulness ; and oh, elder, nobody wouldn't feel yer loss with more intensitude than what I should, though mebby I badent oughter say so. Oh, elder Sniffles, I do feel as if I couldent part with yon no bow. Tin so interested in your preachiu, and it's had such a wonderful attendency to subdew my prejadisbes a^'in' your denominashun, and has sot me considorin' whetther or no there aint good christuns in all denomina- sliuns, 'cept, of course, the anevarsellers. oh. reverend elder, I intreal you to take care of your preshus bealtfa. I send you herewith a paper ofboneset ; you must make some good Stiff tea on't and drink about a quail to-night afore you retire. Molasses or vinegar's a "I thing, too, for a cold or coffj jesl take about a pint 78 WIDOW eedott's letter to elder sxlffles. of molasses and bile it down with a teacup of vinegar and a hunk of butter as big as a hen's egg, and stir in about a half a teacup full of peppersass, and eat it down hot jest afore bedtime — and take a strip of flannil, and rub some hog's lard on't — though goose ile's about as good — and pin it round yer throat rite off; and I send likewise a bag of hops — you must dip it in bilin' hot water with some red peppers in it; now don't forgit nothin' I've proscribed. But I was a tellin' how exercised I was when I heerd of your sickness. I went immejitly to my chamber, and gin away to a voiellent flud of tears. I retired to my couche of repose, but my aggetashun prevented my sleepin' I felt quite a call to express my feelins in poitry — I'm very apt to when ennything comes over me — so I riz and lited my candle, and composed these ere stanzys, which I hope will be aggreible to you. reverend sir I do declare, It drives me a'inost to frenzy, To think of you a lyin there Down sick with influenzy. A body'd a thought it was enough To mourn j^er wife's departer, "Without sech trouble as this 'ere To come a follerin' arter. But sickness and affliction is trials sent By the will of a wise creation, And always ought to be underwent With fortytude aud resignashun. Then mourn not for your pardner's deth, But tew submit endever ; iFor sposiu she hadent a died so soon, She couldn't a lived forever. Oh, I could to your bedside fly, And wipe your weepin' e.ves, Aud try my best to cure you up, If 'twouldent create surprize. THE CRT OF THE CHILDREN. 79 It'a a world of trouble we tarry in — But elder dou't dispair; That you may soon be inovin' agiu, Is constantly my prayer. Both sick and well, you may depend Youle never be forgot, By your faithful and affectionate friend, Priscilla Pool Bedott. THE CRT OF THE CHILDREN. CI.1ZARETH BARRETT BROWNINQ. Do ye hear the children weeping, my brothers, Ere the sorrow comes with years ? They are leaning their young heads against their mothers- Aud that cannot stop their tears. The young lambs are bleating in the meadows, The young birds are chirping in the nest, The young lawns are playing with the shadows, The young flowers are blowing toward the west- But the young, young children, my brothers, They are weeping bitterly! — They are weeping in the playtime of the others, In the country of the free. They look up with their pale and sunken faces, And their looks are sad to see, For the man's hoary anguish draws and presses Down the checks of infancy— " Tour old earth," they say "is very dreary;" "Our young feet," they say, " are very weak !" Fev paces have we taken, yet arc weary— Our grave rest is very fur to seek. A -k the aged why they weep, and not the children, For Hie oul ide earth is cold, And we young ones stand without, in our bewildering, And the graves are for the old. "True," say the children, " it may happen That we die before our time. 80 THE CRY OF THE CHILDREN. Little Alice died last year— the grave is shapen Like a snowball, in the rime. We looked into the pit prepared to take her — Was no room for any work in' the close clay : From the sleep wherein she lieth none will wake her, Crying, ' Get up, little Alice ! it is day !' If you listen by that grave, in sun and shower, With your ear down, little Alice never cries ! — Could we see her face, be sure we should not know her, For the smile has time for growing in her eyes ! And merry go her moments, lulled and stilled in The shroud, by the kirk-chime ! It is good when it happens," say the children, " That we die before our time." Alas alas, the children ! they are seeking Death in life as best to have ! They are binding up their hearts away from breaking, With a cerement from the grave. Go out, children, from the mine and from the city- Sing out, children, as the little thrushes do — Pluck you handfuls of the meadow-cowslips pretty — Laugh aloud, to feel your fingers let them through ! But they answer, "Are your cowslips of the meadows Like our weeds auear the mine ? Leave us quiet in the dark of the coal shadows, From your pleasures fair and fine ! "For oh," say the children, "we are weary, And we cannot run or leap — If we cared for any meadows, it were merely To drop down in them and sleep. Our knees tremble sorely in the stooping — We fall upon our faces, trying to go ; And, underneath our heavy eyelids drooping, The reddest flower would look as pale as snow. For, all day, we drag our burden tiring Through the coal-dark underground — Or, all day, we drive the wheels of iron In the factories round and round. THE CRT OF THE CHILDREN". 81 " For, all day, the wheels are droning, turning- Their wind comes in our faces, — Till our hearts turn — our head, with pulses burning, And the walls turn in their places — Turns the sky in the high window blank and reeling, Turns the long light that drops adown the wall — Turn the black flies that crawl along the ceiling — All are turning, all the day, and we with all. And all the day, the iron wheels are droning ! And sometimes we could pray, '0 ye wheels/ (breaking out in a mad moaning), ' Stop ! be silent for to-day !' " Ay ! be silent ! Let them hear each other breathing For a moment mouth to mouth — Let them touch each other's hands, in afresh wreathing Of their tender human youth ! Let them feel that this cold metallic motion Is not all the life God fashions or reveals — Let them prove their living souls against the notion That they live in you, or under you, wheels ! — Still, all day, the iron wheels go onward, Grinding life down from its mark ; And the children's souls, which God is calling sunward, Spin on blindly in the dark. Now tell the poor young children, my brothers, To look up to Him and pray — S<> the blessed One, who hlesseth all the others, Will bless them another day. They an u>r, " Who i< Coil that He should hear 08, While the rushing of the iron wheels is stirred? When '.vi: soli aloud, tin- human eivatures near us I'a i by, hearing not. or answer not a word ; And we hear not (for the wheels in their resounding) Str n door; t likely God, with anj jing round him, Hear our weeping any mo; '■Two words, indeed, of praying we remember, And at midnight's hour of harm, 82 THE CRY OF THE CHILDREN. ' Our Father,' looking upward in the chamber, "We say softly for a charm. "We know no other words, except ' Our Father/ And we think that, in some pause of angel's song, God may pluck them with the silence sweet to gather, And hold both within His right hand, which is strong. ' Our Father !' If He heard us, He would surely (For they call Him good and mild) Answer, smiling down the steep world very purely, ' Come and rest with me, my child.' " But no !" say the children, weeping faster, " He is speechless as a stone ; And they tell us, of His image is the master Who commands us to work on. Go to !" say the children — "Up in Heaven, Dark, wheel-like, turning clouds are all we find. Do not mock us; grief has made us unbelieving — "We look up for God, but tears have made us blind." Do you hear the children weeping and disproving, my brothers, what ye preach ? For God's possible is taught by His world's loving — And the children doubt of each. They look up with their pale and sunken faces, And their look is dread to see, For they mind you of their angels in their places, "With eyes turned on Deity ; — "How long," they say, " how long, cruel nation, Will you stand, to move the world, on a child's heart- Stifle down with a mailed heel its palpitation, And tread onward to your throne amid the mart ? Our blood splashes upward, gold-heaper, And your purple shows your path ! But the child's sob curses deeper in the silence Than the strong man in his wrath I" THE DUTCHMAN AND THE SMALL-POX. 83 THE DUTCHMAN WHO GAVE MRS. SCUDDER THE SMALL-POX. ANONYMOUS. Some years ago, a droll sort of a Dutchman was the driver of a stage in New Jersey, and be passed daily through the small hamlet of Jericho. One morning, just as the vehicle was starting from Squash Point, a person came up and requested the driver to take in a small box, and '• leave it at Mrs. Scudder's, third house on the left after you get into Jericho." " Yaas, oh yaas, Mr. Ellis, I knows der bans/' said the driver, " I pleeve der voman dakes in vashin', vor I always sees her mit her clothes hung out." ;ht, that's the place," said Ellis, (for that was the man's name,) "she washes for one of the steamboats." The box was thereupon duly deposited in the front boot, the driver took his 'levenpennybit for carrying it, and the je started on its winding way. In an hour or two, the four or five houses comprising the village of Jericho hove in sight In front of one of them, near the door, a tall muscular woman was engaged at a wash-tub, while lines of white linen, flattering in the wind, ornamented the ad- joining lawn. The Btage stopped atthe gate, when the following ludicrous dialogue, and attendant circumstauces, took place : Driver Is di M Scatter^ hac Woman [looking up, without stopping her work,]— Yes, I'm M; Scudder. Driver ['fe gol der small pox in der stage; \ill you com'- out ami dake it ? Woman [suddenly throwing down the garment she was hing] <;■>( tin- small-pox ! mercy <>n me, why do you stop bnv, you wicked man! you'd better he off, quick can. [Runs into the house.] Driver mutters to himself i yonder vat's der matter mit der fool ; Pfe goot mind to drow it over dor fence. 84 THE DUTCHMAN AXD THE SMALL-POX. Upon second thought, he takes the box, gets off the stage, and carries it into the house. But in an instant he reappears, followed by a broom with an enraged woman at the end of it, who is shouting in a loud voice — " You git out of this ! clear yourself quicker ! — you've no business to come here exposing decent people to the small- pox ; what do you mean by it ?" "I dells you it's der shm&W pox !" exclaimed the Dutch- man, emphasising the word box as plainly as he could — " Ton't you versteh ? — der shmall pox dat Misther Ellis sends to you." But Mrs. Scudder was too much excited to comprehend this explanation, even if she had listened to it. Having it- fixed in her mind that there was a case of small-pox on the stage, and that the driver was asking her to take into the house a passenger thus afflicted, her indignation knew no bounds. " Clear out !" exclaimed she, excitedly, "111 call the men folks if you don't clear !" and then shouting at the top of her voice, " Ike ! you Ike ! where are you?" Ike soon made his appearance, and inquired — " W-what's the matter, mother ?" The driver answered — H I dells you now onct more, for der last time, I'fe got der shmall pox, and Misther Ellis he dells me to gif it to Miss Scutter, and if dat vrow ish Miss Scutter, vy she no dake der pox ?" By this time several of the passengers had got off the stage to see the fun, and one of them explained to Mrs. Scudder that it was a box, and not small-pox, that the driver wished to leave with her. The woman had become so thoroughly frightened that she was still incredulous, until a bright idea struck Ike. " Oh, mother!" exclaimed he, "I know what 'tis — it's Madame Ellis's box of laces, sent to be done up." With this explanation the affair was soon settled, and Mistress Scudder received the Dutchman's " shmall pox " amidst the laughter and shouts of the occupants of the sculpix. 85 old stage coach. The driver joiued iu, although he had not the least idea of what they were laughing at, and as the vehicle rolled away, he added not a little to the mirth by saying, in a triumphant toue of voice, " I vas pound ter gif der old vomaus der shmall pox, vether she vould dake it or not !" (if. SCULPIN. ASONYMOl'9. It may not be amiss to remark that it was the identical Greek Slave" concerning which the ensuing colloquy took place, between the sculptor himself and a successful Yan- kee speculator, who had " come over to see Eu-rope." Scene— Power's studio at Florence. Enter stranger, spitting, and wiping his lips with his hand: "Be ycou Mister Powers, the skulpture ?" "T am a sculptor, and my name is Powers." "Y-e-a-8; wall, I'spectedso; they tell'd me yeou was — y-e-a-s. Look a here— drivin' a pritty stiff bizness, eh ?" :• I" "I say, plenty to du, eh! What d's one o' them air fetch T" « Sir V " I ask't ye what's the price of one of them, sech as yeou'ro peckin' al oeow." •■ I am to have three thousand dollars for this when it is completed." A'-h-a-t !— heow much ?" "Three thousand dollars." '• T-h-r-e-e t-h-o-u-s-a-n-d d-o-l-l-a-r-s! Han't statc- warv Hz lately ! I was eal'latin' to buy .some ; but it's (civ high. Beow'a paintln'a I Guess I must gil some paintin's. h-o-u-s-a-n-d d-o-l-l-a-r-s! Wall, it is a trade, BCnlpin is; that'.- sal tain. What dew they make yeou pay fur your tools and stuff? S'pect my oldest hoy. Cephas 86 BATS. could skulp ; fact, I know he could. He is allers whittlin' reouud, au' cuttin' away at things. I jist wish yeou'd 'gree to take kiui prentice, an' let him go at it full chisel. D' you know where I'd be liable to put him eout ? He'd cut stun a'ter a while with the best of ye, he would ; and make money, tew, at them prices. T-h-r-e-e t-h-o-u- s-a-n-d d-o-l-l-a-r-s ! Wall, guess I won't take enny of your stone gals tew-day at them prices. Jewhitaker !" EATS. JOHS MclSTOSH. A rat ! a rat ! dead for a ducat ! Killed with a broom behind a bucket ; Dead as a herring as soon as I struck it. ^Nothing so horribly mean as rats; Quite as great a nuisance as cats ; Bothered us had they for more than a year, Gnawing the boards, so very near ; Trundling about at dead of lri^rht, Scurrying round, but seldom in sight ; Trundling, Bundling, Hurrying, Scurrying, Eattlety bang! off in a jiffy, Making a fellow feel ever so " miffy." Pop she goes, never say die, Round the barrels I madly fly, Hoping to catch 'em ; all in my eye ; Off to each hole, The villains stole, Soon as they heard my footsteps nigh. "Went to bed one night in wrath, After I thought I discovered the path They gen'rally took to go their rounds ; Heard them skittle behind the lath ; "Vowed that night I'd cut a swath, RATS. 87 Killing and mangling and giving wounds; Put the broom in a handy place, Chuckled to think of the bloody chase I'd have with the sport of their losing race ; Never a wink, Nary a blink Of sleep had I. I rose at one, Lighted a lamp and roused my wife ; She woke with a y-a-w-m • • Hush," said I, " no noise, on your life ; Bats," I whispered, "more than a dozen; Don't you hear 'em ? Listen ! Was'n That a stunner that jumped just now ? Forward, march ! Confound the row!" Hadn't you better put on your boot- .' They bite sometimes, the saucy brutes," Wife whispered low ; " Consarn them, no ; Ain't to be scared so," answered I ; • I lite, and says I the fur will fly." " "We'd better call aunt Polly's cat," She whispered again. I said to that, "Drat the cats! At the rats "— Quoting a word from Coriolanus — Alone I go; "If you an- afraid, (Jo back to bed ; This I know, And swear by the bulk of huge I'lanus, This Dight by the broom They meet their dooni ; Steal along with a velvet tre.nl ; No more, keep dark, and Imagine them dead." Into the kitchen we went, with a bounce, Seizing my broom like a spear at once, I charged amain ; Scamper, flit, Sudden noi e, 88 EATS. " Why don't you hit V My good wife cries, "Hit what?" "Goose! the rat." Slam ! Jam ! Over the room Slathered the broom ; Crack ! Whack ! But never a one of them went to doom ; Stealing away like guilty souls, I heard them squeaking a laugh in their holes. I made a vow — This was the how : Eaising my broom as high as the ceiling, I thought for a moment of swearing kneeling ; And but that 'twould have a ridiculous look, I'd done it there ; But, goodness me ! I thought, as I took A passing glance At the circumstance — My legs were bare, A night-shirt only enveloped my form, And then my wife, Upon my life, I knew she would raise such a deuce of a storm Of laughter and fun, I cut and run. I vowed in my heart that night no sleep Over my senses numb should creep, Or eyes should touch — I hadu't much For a month before — Until a rat, Untouched by a cat, Should lie on the floor, Outstretched in its gore, EATS. 89 And slain by me with my warlike broom ; All this I repeated again in my room. Wife said but little, my back was riz ; It was well for her that she had the wis- dom to say little to me that night ; I think, however, she gave a snicker — Which I ignored, for I dread a bicker With her, for the reason, she's always right. Engaugh ! She snores, I'm wide awake, Thinking of rats — Of rats, not cats ; In fancy, a score I've killed, and more. Innocent she of the lives I take In my broom's wild sweep ; I will show her the heap In the morning, slain for her dear sake. Hark ! that was a rat ! At once I sat Up in the bed, to hear it once more ; It skittles across the kitchen floor — It ! thunder ! there must be a hundred or more ; Creaking again goes the bedroom door, But all unheard in their wild uproar. Soon with Tarqiiin's ravishing stride Down the stairs like a ghost I glide; And I Baid in my vengeance, woe betide The sleek mad roystering villain's hide, That comes as 8 salve to my wounded pride. I place my lamp in the pasi age there ; I know that its bright petroleum glare Over the kitchen floor will flare ; I handle my lir 11 a In imlilitire. Bang flie the door. By Jove, there's three ! Double quick, forward ! Hurrah forme! Over the tables, clearing the chairs — Sma-h went u couple of window panes — Two have escaped, oue still remains; 90 AX IXTHODUCTIOX. Into a basket of clothes he tears ; Still for his beggarly life he strove ; Over the wood-box, under the stove ; Scampering over the breakfast plates, Jinglety whop went all the spoons ; Soon, on the window-sill he skates, Hi ! Look out ! I vow, the loon's Almost along with his thievish mates. Hit him ! Co-whollop ! I've got you now ! Thud ! and co-whop ! Hi ! that's the how ! A rat ! A rat ! dead for a ducat ! Killed with a broom behind a bucket, Dead as a herring as soon as I struck it. AN INTRODUCTION. MABK TWAIN. "Ladies — and — gentlemen: By— the request of the Chair-man of the — Commit-tee — -I beg leave to — intro — duce — to you — the reader of the eve-ning — a gentleman whose great learning — whose historical ac-curacy — whose devotion — to science — and — whose veneration for the truth — are only equalled by his high moral character — and — his — majestic presence. I allude — in these vague general terms — to my-self. I — am a little opposed to the custom of ceremoniously introducing a reader to the audience, because it seems — unnecessary — where the man has been properly advertised ! But as— it is — the custom — I prefer to make it myself— in my own case — and then I can rely on getting in — all the facts ! I never had but one introduction — that seemed to me just the thing— and the gentleman was not acquainted with me, and there was no nonsense. ' Ladies and gentlemen, I shall waste no time in this introduction. I know of only two facts about this man ; first, he — has never been in state prison, and second, I can't — imagine why." A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VAKDE2T. 91 A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY YAKDEN. ■ ANONYMOUS. Veil, mine freuud, you know dat I bav on my bet dat leedle bump der frenollogiggers say dat I hav great like for de ladies, aiud it ! Veil, I vas goin down de sbtreetder tay after yesterday, und ven I comes to der blace vat dey calls del- corner, so der sbtreet mit anoder sbtreet makes a nice leetlo cross oder der leetle saw-buck, you know vat dat is. So soon I comes to der blace, vot you tink ? a nice leetle poy mit great many papers in der band goes by, and sbust so soon as be goes by be gifs me von luetic paper mitout notings. But it vas padder as vorse vot 1 took dot leetlo paper, and den I goes and makes me von mineself von great pig fool. Vat you tink I on dot paper find— you no guess dot in swelve tousand year. I dell you vot I see on dot. It vas like diss. '• Conic und see your Dolly Vardeu. Sbe is lovely, sbe is putiful, sbe is rich ! You can sbe bav for most notings." Den der leetle paper gives der number von der sbtreet vare I could sbe find. It vas said Mr. Shteward, py Proatvay oud. So soon I reads dot petter as goot mine heart makes me von pitty-pat, knock-knock. You know vat dat is. I no more knows vare I lif oder var I vas goin. Dolly Varden ! She vas rich ; sbe vas lovely; she vas putiful; und Dolly, dot vas sbust so nice names, aind it? Cud der lectio poy dat me dot paper gives, made ho on dot paper say dot I can she bav Cor most notings. Derfirehl ding vol mine eyo come agaioBt vas von dose leetle shticks mit der great American Hag round him, vot says dot dere \\ kers be taken offdere, und der hair be so bright and shining made, also der placking boots. Denn [goe dere, und I paysdol man fifteen cent — fifteen cent! mind you dot! vile dot he make mine hair der vay votlshpeak von. Den, mit mine bet up, feeling dot I sbust so pig as Carl Schurz, I goes after der sbtreet 92 A DUTCHMAN'S DOLLY VARDEN. for to git me mine Dolly Varden. I vonders so soon I comes to dcr blace und sees der pig shtore shop of Mister Shteward, vedder or not she owns all dot nice buildings. Anoder leetle poy opens dot door so nicely, unt he looks me in der face so shmilings dot I tinks praps it vos Dolly's brudder ; und mine heart he goes so hot like fire ; most like der pig plazing Shecawgo fire. Und I says to der poy so shweet I could you know, "You hav der sister here, aint it ?" Denn der poy he look me mit vonder, und he make dot het go so, like dot. I shpeaks no more mit der poy, but I goes to der shtand, vare I sees von fine gentle- man, und I says, " I vould dot young lady see, vot der leetle poy givs me paper von." "Vot is dot!" says der sheutlemans. Denn I says, " I vants mine Dolly Varden V Und der man says, " Dolly Varden ! come dis vay venn you blease." Und I follows dot man mit mine heart full von great tremblings unt joy put togedder, shust like der apple und meat in der mince pie. Put vat is dot he do now ? He go und show me a leetle piece von cloth mit great many putiful color. Denn I say " You nixverstay me. I no vant to see her dress. I vould see Dolly Varden she self." Dere goes more vunder douu der poy hat over der face von der sheutlemans, und he say " Dis is Dolly Varden." Denn I say " Dolly Varden ! Dolly Varden ! Oh ! I no vant such voomans as dot." Und mine mind runs vay mit mine het, unt mine het runs vay mit mine bodies, und mine bodies runs vay mit mine feet, und der shtore is vay on der odder side von me. Und ven I see again on der shtreet dot leetle poy I vould him pants make varni for dot he gif me so much heart-ache. Und denn ven I tinks on vot I pees und vat I used to vas, I feels I trow fifteen cent avay mitout sufficient cause. Den I feels mit mineselfs so mad to trow avays fifteen cents — tree glass lager — for notinks, dat I go very queeck and trown mineself in de try-tock, till I vas vashit ashore mit a bar of soft-soap. "rocs; of ages." 93 "ROCK OF AGES." " Eock of ages, cleft for me," Thoughtlessly the maiden sung, Fell the words unconsciously From her girlish, gleeful tongue , Sung as little children sing, Sung as sing the birds in June ; Fell the words like light leaves sown On the current of the tune — " Rock of ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee." Felt her soul no need to hide — Sweet the song as song could bo And she had no thought beside; All the words unheedingly Fell from lips untouched by care, Dreaming not that each might bo, On some other lips, a prayer — " Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee." "Rock of Ages, cleft for me — " 'Twas a woman sung them now, Pleadingly and prayerfully; Every word her heart did know. Rose the song as Btorm-tossed bird Beats with weary wing the air, Every note with sorrow stirred, Every syllable h prayer— " Roc* of Ages, cleft for me, Let me bide my elfin Thee." " Rock of Ages, cleft for mo—" Dips grown aged sung the hymn Trn tlngly and tenderly, Voice grown weak and <■%■<■■ grown dhn- "Let me hide myself in Thee." Trembling through the voice, and low, ANONYMOUS. 94 FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. ltose the sweet strain peacefully As a river in its flow ; Sung as only they can sing, "Who life's thorny paths have pressed; Sung as only they can siug "Who behold the promised rest. " Rock of Ages, cleft for me," Sung above a coffin-lid; Underneath, all restfully, All life's cares and sorrows hid. Never more, storm- tossed soul, Never more from wind or tide, Never more from billows' roll "Wilt thou need thyself to hide. Could the sightless, sunken eyes, Closed beneath the soft gray hair, Could the mute and stiffened lips, Move again in pleading prayer, Still, aye still the words would be, "Let me hide myself in Thee." FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. ANONYMOUS. Kitchen maids are so often bothered in their household duties by the gallantries of the men servants, that my wife had selected one from tbe Congo race of negroes, ugly to look at, but good-tempered, and black as your hat. Pbillis was her name, and a more faithful, devoted, and patient creature we never had around us. I have thus introduced her to my hearers, because she was a conspicuous personage in some of the droll incidents connected with my taking into service a queer specimen of a Patlander, by name Peter Mulrooney. Mulrooney applied to me for a situation as groom, in the place of one I had just dismissed ; and on my inquiring if he could give me a reference as to bis character and quali- FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. 95 fications, he mentioned the name of Mr. David Urban (a personal friend of mine), with whom he had lived. " An' sure," said he with enthusiasm, " there isn't a dacenter jfntleman in all Arneriky." u I am happy to hear him so well spoken of," said I, " but if you were so much attached to him, why did you quit his service f" " Sorra one o' me knows," said he, a little evasively, as I thought. "Ayeh! but 'twasn't his fault, anyhow." " I dare say not; but what did you do after you left Mr. Urban ?" " Och, bad luck to me, sir ! 'twas the foolishest thing in the world. I married a widdy, sir." "And became a householder, eh ?" " Augh !" he exclaimed, with an expression of intense disgust, " the housj) wouldn't hould me long; 'twas too hot for that, I does be thinkiu'." •• Humph ! You found the widow too fond of having her own way, I suppose f * " Thrue for you, sir ; an' a mighty crooked way it was, that same, an' that's no lie." " She managed to keep you straight, I dare say." "Straight! Och, by the povvhers, Misther Stanley, yo may say that ! If I'd swallowed a soger's ramrod, 'tisn't Btraighter I'd have been!" '• \ml the result was, that, not approving the widow's •ipline, you ran away and left her?" " Sore sir, 'twas asierdone nor that. Ber first husband, betther luck to him, saved me the throuhle." '• Her first husband .' bad Bhe another husband living?" "Ob Irj one Mike Connolly, a sayfarin' man who reported dead; but became back one day, an' I rc- Bthored him his wife and childher. Oh, but 'twas a proud man I was to !><• able to comfort poor Mjke by t^ivin' him Jiis lost wife— an' he so grateful, too ! Ah, sir, ho had a ra'al Erii b heart." 96 FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. Being favorably impressed with Peter's genuine good humor, I concluded to take him at once into my service. Nor was I mistaken in his character, for he took excellent care of my horses, and kept everything snug around the stables. One day I thought I would test his usefulness in doctoring, so I sent for him to the house. "Peter," said I, " do you think I could trust you to give the black filly a warm mash this evening ?" As he stared at me for a minute or two without reply- ing, I repeated the question. "Is it a mash, sir V said he. " Sure, an' I'd like to be plasin' yer honor any way, an' that's no lie." As he spoke, however, I fancied I saw a strange sort of puzzled expression flit across his face. " I beg pardin, sir," continued he, " but 'tis bothered I am ; will I be afther giviu' her an ould counthry mash, or an Ameriky mash ?" " I don't know if there is any difference between them," I answered, rather puzzled at what he was aiming, but I found afterwards that he didn't know what a mash was. " Arrah, 'tis rasonable enough ye shouldn't," said Peter, "considerin' that yer honor niver set fut in ould Ireland." " Look here, Mulrooney," said I, impatiently, " I want you to put about two double handfuls of bran into a pail of warm water, and, after stirring the mixture well, give it to the black filly. That is what we call a bran mash in this country. Now, do you perfectly understand me ?" " Good luck to yer honor !" replied Peter, looking much relieved; for he had got the information he was fishing for. "Good luck to yer honor! what 'ud I be good for^ if I didn't ? sure, 'tis the ould counthry mash afther all." " Perhaps so ; but be sure you make no mistake." "Oh, niver fear, sir, I'll do it illegant; but about the warm wather?" " There's plenty to be had in the kitchen." " An' the naygur? Will I say till her it's yer honor's orthers V inquired Peter, earnestly. FEEDING THE BLACK FILLIES. 1)7 " Certainly ; she'll make no difficulty." " Oh, begorra! 'tisn't a traneen I care for that; but will I give her the full ov the bucket, sir f ' " 'Twill do her no harm," said I, carelessly. With that Peter made his best bow and left my presence. It might have been some fifteen minutes after this that my wife, who was a little unwell that day, came into tho sitting-room, saying, " I wish you'd go into the kitchen, George, and see what's the difficulty between that Irish- man and Phillis ; I am afraid they are quarreling." ' At that moment we heard a crash and a suppressed shriek. I hurried from the room, and soon heard, as I passed through the hall, an increasing clamor in the kitchen beyond. First came the shrill voice of Phillis. "You jess lebe me 'lone, now, will yer 1 I won't hab nuffin to do wid de stuff, nairaway." " You ugly an' conthrary ould naygcr, don't I tell ye 'tis the masther's ordhers f" I heard Peter respond. " Taint no sech ting. Go way, you poor white Irish trash ! who ebber beard ob 'spectable color'd woman a takin' a bran mash, I'd like to know." The reality of Peter's ridiculous blunder flashed upon me at once, and the fun of the thing struck me so irre- sistibly, that I hesitated for a moment to break in upon it. " Arrah, he aisy, can't yel an' be afther takin' it down like a daccnt naygur," I heard Peter say. "Go way. you feller," screamed Phillis, "or I'll call missis, flat I will." "OHi.be thisan'be that!" says Peter, resolutely, "if 'tis about to frighten the beautiful mistbress ye are, and she sick, too, at this same time, I'll bo afther puttin' a Bhtop tO thai." immediately afterwards came a short scuffle, and then a stifled scream. Concluding that it was now time for me to Interfere, T moved quickly on, and just as the, scuffling gave way to smothered sobs and broken ejaculations, I 98 THE HORNET. flung open the door and looked in. The first thing that caught my eye was Phillis seated in a chair, sputtering aud gasping ; while Mulrooney, holding her head under his left arm, was employing bis right hand in conveying a tin cup of bran mash from the bucket at his side to her upturned mouth. "What in the name of all that is good are you doing now, Peter ?" said I. "Sure, sir, what wud I do but give black Pbillis the warm mash, accordin' to yer honor's ordbers ? Augh ! tbe haytbeu. Bad cess to her ! 'tis tbrouble enough I've had to make her rasouable and obadient, an' that's no lie — tbe stupid ould tbafe of a naygur." The reader may imagine the finale to so rich a scene ; even my wife, sick as she was, caught the infection, and laughed beartily. As for Peter, tbe last I heard of him that evening was bis muttering, as be walked away — "Ayeh! why didn't he tell me? If they call naygurs fillies, and horses fillies, sure an' how the divil sbould I know tbe differ ?" Peter remained in my service five years, during which period he treated Pbillis with great deference. THE HORNET. JOSH BILLINGS. Tbe hornet is an inflammibel buzzer, sudden in hiz impreshuns and basty in biz conclusion, or end. Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pep- per in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, " git out ov mi way." Tbey have a long, black boddy, divided in tbe middle by a waist spot, but tbeir phisikal importance lays at tbe terminous of tbeir subberb, in tbe sbape ov a javelin. This javelin iz alwuz loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit's warning, and enters a man az still az thought, THE HOKXET. 99 az spry az litening, and az full ov melaukolly az the tooth- ache. Hornets never argy a case ; they settle awl ov their dif- ferences ov opinyon by letting their javelin fly, and are az certain to hit az a mule iz. This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about 100 souls, but whether they iz mail or female, or conservative, or matched in bonds of wedlock, or whether they iz Mormons, and a good many ov them kling together and keep one husband to save expense, I don't kno nor don't kare. I never have examined their habits much, I never kon- sideredit healthy. Hornets build their nests wherever they take a noshun to, and seldom arc disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the 100th one hit him with biz javelin ? They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admis- sion into the family circul, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pineapple, and iz cut up into just as many bed- rooms as there iz hornets. It iz very simple to make a hornet's nest — if you kan— but i will wager enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell to a hornet for half price. They hav found out, by tricing it, that all they can git in this world, and brag on, is their Tittles and clothes, and yu never see one standing on the corner ov a street, with a twenty-sis inch face on, bekanse sum bank had rnnoph and took their money with them. I suppose this uneasy world would grind around on its tree onst in 'Ji hours, even ef thare want enny hor- , but hornets must be good for sumthing, but I can't think just now what it iz. Thare hainl been a bng made yet in vain, nor one that Wants a good Job ; there is ever lot.; of human men loafing 100 THE GLOVE AND THE LIONS. around black-smith's shops, and cider-mills, and gin-mills, all over the country, that don't seem to be nessesary for anything but to beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water melons, but you let the cholera break out once, and then you will see the wisdom of having jist sich men lay- ing around ; they help count. / ..<£&A/ The hornet iz an unsoshall )nmf>, he iz a thorough-bred bug, but his breeding and refinement has made him like sum other folks I know ov, dissatisfied with himself and every boddy else ; too much good breeding ackts this way sometimes. Hornets are long-lived — I kant state jist how long their lives are, but I know from instinkt and observashen that enny krittur, be he bug or be he devil, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all his nabers. The only good way tew git at the exact fiteing weight of the hornet is tew tutch him up; jist let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be willin to testify in court that somebody run a one-tined pitchfork into yer ; and as for grit, i will state, for the informashuu of thoze who haven't had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdom az freely az I hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp-meetin. THE GLOVE AND THE LIONS. READ BY J. M. BELLEW. ieigh bunt. King Francis was a hearty king, and loved a royal sport, And one day, as his lions strove, sat looking on the court; The nobles fill'd the benches round, the ladies by their side, And 'mongst them Count de Lorge, with one he hoped to make his bride : And truly 'twas a gallant thing to see that crowning show, Valor and love, and a king above, and the royal beasts below. "I VAST TO FLY." 101 Ramped and roared the lions, with horrid laughing jaws; The}- bit, they glared, gave blows like beams, a wind went with their paws ; With wallowing might and stifled roar they rolled one on another, Till all the pit, with sand and maue, was in a thund'rous smother; The bloody foam above the bars came whizzing through the air ; Said Francis then, "Good gentlemen, we're better here than there !" De Lorge's love o'erheard the king — a beauteous, lively dame, With smiling lips, and sharp bright eyes, which always seem'd the same : She thought, " The Count, my lover, is as brave as brave can be; lie surely would do desperate things to show his love of me ! King, ladies, lovers, all look on; the chance is wondrous fine; I'll drop my glove to prove his Iovq ; great glory will be mine !" She dropp'd her glove to prove his love : then looked on him and smiled ; lie bowed, and in a moment leaped among the lions wild ! The leap was quick ; return was quick ; he soon regained his place ; Then threw the glove, but not with love, right in the lady's face ! '• Well done !" cried Francis, "bravely done!" and he rose from where In- Bat : " No love," quoth he, " but vanity, sets love a task like that !" I VANT TO FLY. NON'VMoIT* Shortly before the conclusion of the war with Napoleon there were a number of French officers in an inland town on their parole of honor. Now, one gentleman being tired with the usual routine of eating, drinking, gambling, smok- ing, &c, therefore, in order to amuse himself otherwise, olved to go a-flshing. Bis host supplied him with rod and line, hut being in want of artificial Hies, went in Search of a fishing tackle maker'a shop. Bavingfound one, kept by a plain pain taking John Bull, our Frenchman entered, 102 " I VAUT TO FLY." and, with a Low, a cringe, and a shrug of the shoulders, thus began :— " Ah, Monsieur Anglaise, comment vous portez-vous !" "Eh, that's French," exclaimed the shopkeeper; "not that I understand it, but I'm very well, if that's what you mean." "Bon, bon, ver good; den, saire, I sail tell you, I vaut deux fly." " I dare say you do, Mounseer," replied the Englishman, " and so do a great many more of your outlandish gentry; but I'm a true-born Briton, and can never consent to as- sist the enemies of my country to leave it — particularly when they cost us so much to bring them here." "Ah, Monsieur, you no comprehend; I shall repeate, I vant deux fly, on the top of de vater." " Oh ! what, you want to fly by water, do you ! then I'm sure I can't assist you, for we are at least a hundred miles from the sea-coast, and our canal is not navigable above ten or twelve miles from here." " Diable ! sare, you are un stup of the block. I sail tell you once seven times over again — I vant deux fly on the top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of de long pole." "Ay, ay ! you only fly, Mounseer, by land or water, and if they catch you, I'll be hanged if they won't dingle dangle you, as you call it, at the end of along pole." " Sacre un de dieu ! la bias ! vat you mean by dat, enfer diable 1 you are un bandit jack of de ass, Johnny de Bull. Ba, ba, you are effrontee, and I disgrace me to parley vid you. I tell you, sare, dat I vant deux fly ou the top of de vater, to dingle dangle at the end of the long pole, to la trap poisson." " What's that you say, you French Mounseer — you'll lay a trap to poison me and all my family because I won't as- sist you to escape ? why, the like was never heard. Here, Betty, go for the constable." "I VAXT TO FLY." 103 The constable soon arrived, who happened to be as ig- norant as the shopkeeper, and of course it was not expected that a constable should be a scholar. Thus the man of office began : — " What's all this ? Betty has been telling me that tbis here outlandish Frenchman is going to poison you and all your family ? Ay, ay, I should like to catch him at it, that's all. Come, come to prison, you delinquent." " No, sare, I sail not go to de prison ; take me before de what you call it : — de ting that nibble de grass V "Nibble grass ? You mean sheep V "No, I mean de — de — " " Oh, you mean the cow." '• No, sare, not the cow; you stup Johnny bceuf — I mean de cbeval, vat you ride. [Imitating.] Come, sare, gee up. Ab, ha." " Oh, now I know, you mean a horse." " Xo, sare, I mean dc horse's vife." "What, the mare?" " Oui, bon, yes, sare, take me to de mayor." This request was complied with, and the French officer soon stood before the English magistrate, who, by chance, happened to be better informed than his neighbors, and thus explained the dilemma of the unfortunate Frenchman, to the satisfaction of all parties — " You hare mistaken the intention of this honest gentle- man ; ho did not want to fly the country, but to go a-fish- Ing, and for that purpose went to your shop to purchase two flies, by way of bait, or, as he expressed it, to la trap la poisson. Poissbn, in French, is fish." •■ Why, aye," replied the shopkeeper, " that may be true; you are a scholard, ami so you know better than I. Poi- . In French, may be very good fish, but give mo good old English roast beef." 104 THAT DOG OF JIM SMILET'S. THAT DOG OF JIM SMILEY'S. MARK TWAI.V. Did I ever tell you about Smiley's dog ? Well, he had a little small bull pup, that to look at him you'd think he wan't worth a cent, but to set around and look ornery, and lay for a chance to steal something. But as soon as money was up on him, he was a different dog; his under jaw'd begin to stick out like the fo'castle of a steamboat, and his teeth would uncover and shine savage like the furnaces. And a clog might tackle him, and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder, two or three times, and Andrew Jackson— which was the name of the pup — Andrew Jackson would never let on but what he was sat- isfied, and hadn't expected nothing else — and the bets being doubled and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money was all up ; and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog jest by the j'int of his hind leg and freeze to it — not chaw, you understand, but only jest grip and hang on till they throwed up the sponge, if it was a year. Smiley always come out winner on that pup, till he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no hind legs, because they'd been sawed off by a circular saw, and when the thing had gone along far enough, and the money was all up, and he come to make a snatch for his pet holt, he saw in a minute how he'd been imposed on, and how the other dog had him in the door, so to speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discouraged like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he got shucked out bad. He give Smiley a look, as much as to say his heart was broke, and it was Ms fault, for putting up a dog that hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main dependence in a fight, and then he limped off a piece and laid down and died. It was a good pup, was that Andrew Jackson, and would have made a name for hisself if he'd lived, for the stuff was in him, and ho had THE STORY OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL. 105 genius — I know it, because he hadn't had no opportunities to speak of, and it don't stand to reason that a dog could make such a fight as he could under them circumstances, if be hadn't no talent. It always makes me feel sorry when I think of that last fight of Andrew Jackson's, and the way it turned out. THE STORY OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL. liEAD BY J. M. BELLEW. Adelaide pboctee. The fettered spirits linger In purgatorial pain, AVith penal fires effacing Their last faint earthly stain, "Which Life's imperfect sorrow Had tried to cleanse in vain. Yet, on each feast of Mary. Their sorrow finds release, For the Great Archangel Michael Comes down and bids it cease ; And the name of these brief respites Is called " Our Lady's Peace."' Yet once — so runs the legend — When tlu; Archangel came, And all these holy spirits Rejoiced at Mary's name, One voice alone was wailing, Still wailing on the same. And though a great Te Di-um The happy echoes woke, This one dii cordant wailing Through the Bweet voices broke : So when St. Michael que tioned, Tims the poor spirit spoke : "I am not cold or thankless, Although I still complain ; 100 THE STORY OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL. I prize our Lady's blessing, Although it comes in vain To still my bitter anguish, Or quench my ceaseless pain. " On earth a heart that loved me Still lives and mourns me there, And the shadow of his anguish Is more than I can bear ; All the torment that I suffer Is the thought of his despair. "The. evening of my bridal, Death took my life away ; !Not all love's passionate pleading Could gain an hour's delay, And he I left has suffered A whole year since that day. " If I could only see him — If I could only go And speak one word of comfort And solace — then I know He would endure with patience, And strive against his woe." Thus the Archangel answered: "Tour time of pain is brief, And soon the peace of Heaven "Will give you full relief; Yet if his earthly comfort So much outweighs your grief, "Then, through a special mercy I offer you this grace — Ton may seek him who mourns you, And look upon his face, And speak to him of comfort For one short minutes' space. "But when that time is ended, Return here, and remain THE STOUT OF THE FAITHFUL SOUL. 107 ■ A thousand years in torment, A thousand years in pain ; Thus dearly must you purchase The comfort he will gain." The lime-trees' shade at evening Is spreading hroad and wide ; Beneath their fragrant arches, Pace slowly, side by side, In low and tender converse, A Bridegroom and his Bride. The night is calm and stilly, No other sound is there Except their happy voices ; "What is that cold bleak air That passes through the lime-trees, And stirs the Bridegroom's hair? "Wlille one low cry of anguish, Like the last dying wail •Of some dumb, hunted creature, Is borne upon the gale — "Why does the Bridegroom shudder And turn so deathly pale ? Near Purgatory's entrance The radiant Angels wait ; It was the great St. Michael W'Ihi closed that gloomy gate, When the poor wandering spirit Came back to tneel bier fate. 'Pass on," tlni poke the Angel ; " Heaven's joy La deep and vi Pa on, p 1 on, poor spirit, For Heaven is yours at last ; In that one minnte'a anguish Your thon sand years nave pa led." 108 "my new pitta yatees."' "MY NEW PITTAYATEES." ANONYMOUS. Enter Katty, with a gray cloak, a dirty cap, and a Made eye ; a sieve of potatoes on her head, and a " trifle o' sper'ti?' in it. Katty meanders down Patrick Street. Katty. — "My new pittayatees ! My-a-new pittayatees ! 3Iy new — " {Meeting a friend.^ Sally, darlin', is that you ? Sally. — Tkroth. it's myself; and what's the rnatther wid you, Katty ? Kat. — 'Deed my heart's bruk, cryin' — "New pittaya- tees !" — cryin' afther that vagabone. Sal.— Is it Mike ? Kat. — Throth, it's himself indeed. Sal. — And what is it he done ? Kat — Och ! he ruined me with his — " Neiv pittayatees !" — with his goin's-an. Yis, my darlint ; he kem home th' other night, hlazin' blind dhrunk, cryin' out— " New pit- tay-a-tees /" — roarin' and bawlin'. that you'd think he'd rise the roof aff o' the house. "Bad luck attend you ; bad cess to you, you pot-wal- lopin' varmint," says he (maynin' me, if you plaze), " wait till I ketch you, you sthrap, and it's I'll give you your fill iv" — "New pittayatees !" — "your fill iv a licking, if ever you got it," says he. So, with that, I knew the villian was mulvatherecl* Musha! wait till you hear the ind o' my— "New pit- tayatees /" — o' my throubles, and it's then you'll open your eyes — " My new pittayatees !" Well, as he was comin' up-stairs (knowin' how it ud be,) I thouglit it best to take care o' my — " My new pittayatees /" —to take care o' myself; so with that I put the bowlt an the door, betune me and danger, and kep' listniu' at the key- hole ; and sure enough, what should I hear but — "Neiu * Intoxicatrrf. " MY XEW riTTATATEES." 109 pittayatees .'" — but the vagabone gropin' his way round the cruked turn in the stair, aud tuniblin' aftber into tbe bole in tbe flure an tbe landin', and whin be come to bimself be gev a tbuuderin' thump at tbe door. "Who's tbere ?" says I; says he — " New pittayatees /" — "Let me in," says be, "you vagabone," (swarein' by what I wouldn't min- tiou), " or by this and that, I'll massacray you," says he, "within an inch o'" — "New pittayatees /" — "within an } , inch o' your life," says he. " ilikee, darlint," says I, sootk- erin him — "New pittayatees! 1 ' — with a tindher word, so says T, "Mikee, you villain, you're disguised," says I, " you're disguised, dear." " You lie," says he, "you impident stbrap, I'm not dis- guised.' - says lie, " I'll make you know the differ," says he. Oh! I thought the life id lave me when I heered him say the word : and with that I put my hand an — " My new pittayatees!" -an the latch o' the door, to purvint it from slippin ; and he ups and he gives a wicked kick at the door, and says he, " If you don't let me in this minit," says he, "I'll be the death o' your" — " Neic pittayatees /" — " o' yourself and your dirty breed," says he. Think o' that, Sadie, dear, to abuse my relations! Dirty breed, indeed! By my sowkins, they're as good as his any day in the year, and was never behoulden to — " New pittayatees .'"' -to ^ r o a beggiu' to the mendicity for their dirty —"New pittayatees /" — their dirty washin's o' pots, and sarvints' lavins, and dog's hones. Well, at the word, "dirty breed," 1 knew full well the had dhrop v.';i • up in liiui and, faith, it's soon and suddint be made me sensible av it, for tbe first word he said was — "New pittayatees J" the firel word be said was to put bis shoulder to the door, and in he bursted the door,fallin' down in the middle o" the flare, cryin' out •• New pittay- l!" -cry in' out. " Bad luck attind you," says be, "bow dar' you refuse to lit me into my own house, you stb'rap, agin tbe law o' the land."' says he, scrarablin' up ou hie 110 ''MY NEW riTTATATEES." pins agin, as well as he could ; and, as he was risin', says I — " New pittayatees !" — says I to him, (screechin' out loud, that, the neighbors in the flure below might hear me, " Mikee, my darliut," says I. '.' Keep the pace, you vagabone," says he ; and with that, he hits me a lick av a, — " New pittwjatees /"-^-a lick av a stick he had in his hand, and down I fell (and small blame to me), down I fell on the flure, cryin' — u Neiu pittayatees P' — cryin out, " Murther ! inurther !" As I was risin, my jew'l, he was going to sthrek me agin ; and with that I cried — " New pittayatees .'" — I cried out, " Fair play, Mikee," says I, " don't sthrek a man down j" but he wouldn't listen to rayson, and was goin 7 to hit me agin, when I put up the child that was in my arms betuno me and harm. " Look at your babby, Mikee," says I. " Oh," says I, " Mikee, darlint, don't sthrek the babby;" but, my dear, before the word was out o' my mouth, he sthruk the babby. (I thought the life id lave me.) And, ivcoorse, the poor babby, that never spuk a word, began to. cry — " Neio pittayatees .'"—began to cry, and roar, and bawl, and no wondher. And, my jew'l, the neighbors in the flure below, hearin' the scrimmage, kem runnin' up the stairs, cryin' out — " New pittayatees ."'—cryin' out, " Watch, watch ! Mikee M'Evoy," says they, a would you murther your wife, you villain ?" "What's that to you?" says he; " isn't she my own ?" says he, " and if I plaze to make her feel the weight o' my" — " New pittayatees /"— " the weight o' my fist, what's that to you V says he ; " it's none o' your business, anyhow, so keep your tongue in your jaw, and 'twill be betther for your"— " New pittayatees /"— " 'twill be betther for your health, I'm thinkin', " says he; and with that he looked cruked at thim, and squared up to one o' thim (a poor de- finceless craythur, a tailor). But the tailor's wife (and, by my sow], it's she that's the sthjapper), says she, "Let me at him," says she ; " it's I that used to give a man MARY AXX'.S WEDDING. Ill a lickin' every day in the week ; and she wint bally- raggin him ; and, by gor, they all tuk patthern afther her, and abused him, my dear, to that degree, that I vow the very dogs in the sthreet wouldn't lick his blood. And with that, one and all, they begun to cry — " New pittayatees !" —and they just tuk him up by the scruff o' the neck, and threw him down the stairs ; every step he'd take, you'd think he'd brake his neck, thank goodness, and so I got rid o' the ruffiu ; and then they left me cryin'— " New pit- tayatees!"— cryin' afther the vagabone— though the angels knows well he wasn't deservin' o' one precious drop that fell from my two good-lookin eyes; aud, oh ! but the con- dition he left me in. And a purty sight it id be, if you could see how I was lyin' in the middle o' the flure, cryin' —"New pittayatees /"-—cryin' and roarin', and the poor child, with his eye knocked out, in the corner cryin' — " New pittayatees ! v — and, indeed, everyone in the place was cryin'—" New pittayatees /"—and divil a thing had I to pat inside my face, nor a dhrop to dhrink, barriu a few -" New pittayatees /"—a few grains o' tay, and the ind iv a quarther o' sugar, and my eyes as big as your fist, and as black as the pot (savin' your presence). But I'll not brake your heart any more, Sally, dear— '* New pittayatees!"— Good-bye, Sally, darlint, good-bye— " New pittay-a-tees !" MAItY AX.VS WEDDING. Art BELATED liv mks. jum Amnmoi '• We were all preparing," said Mrs. Jones, "to go to the deling. I was going, Father was going, the gala were going, and we wen' going to take the baby; hut come to dress the baby, could nol find the baby's shirt. I'd laid a clean one out of one of the drawers on purpose. I know'd where l bad pul it ; but come to Lools for it 'twas 112 MART AMf'S WEDDING. " 'For mercy's sake,' says I, ' gals,' says I, 'has any on ye seen that baby's shirt V "Of coarse none of era had seen it; and I looked, and looked, and looked again, but 'twant nowhere to be found. 'It's the strangest thing in all nature,' says I, ' here I had the shirt in my hand not mor'n ten minutes ago, and now it's gone, and nobody can tell where. I never seed the beat. 'Gals,' said I, 'do look around, can't ye?' But fretting wouldn't find it ; so I gave it up, and I went to the bureau, aud fished up another shirt, and put it onto the baby, aud at last we were ready for a start. " Father harnessed up a double team — we drove the old white mare then, and the gals and all was having a good time, going to see Mary Ann married, but somehow I couldn't git over that shirt! 'Twant the shirt so much; but to have anything spirited away from under my face and eyes so, 'twas provokin' ! ' What ye thinking about, mother V says Sophrony ; ' What makes you look so sober V says she. 'I'm pestered to death, thinking about that ere shirt. One of you must have took it, I am sartin,' says I. ' Now, ma,' says Sophrony, ' you needn't say that,' — and as I'd laid onto her a good many times, she was be- ginning to get vexed , and so we had it back and forth, and all about that baby's shirt, till we got to the wedding. " Seeing company kinder putit out of mind, and I was getting good-natured again, though I could not help say- ing to myself every few minutes, ' What could have be- come of that shirt?' till at last they stood up to be mar- ried, and I forgot all about it. " Mary Ann was a real modest creature, and was mor'n half frightened to death when she came into the room with Stephen, and the minister told them to jine hands. She first gave her left hand to Stephen. 'Your other hand,' says the minister; and poor Steve, he was so bashful, too, he didn't know what he was about; he thought 'twas MAKT AUN'S WEDDING. J 13 his mistake, and that the miuister meant him, so he gave Mary Ann bis left Hand. That wouldn't do, any way, a left- handed marriage all around ; but by this time they didn't know what they were about, and Mary Ann joined her right hand to his left, then her left with his right, then both their hands again, until I was all of a fidget, and tho't they would never get fixed. "Mary Ann looked as red as a turkey, and to make mat- ters worse, she began to cough, to turn it off, I suppose, and called for a glass of water. The minister had just been drinking, aud the tumbler stood right there, and I was so nervous, and in such a hurry to see it all over with, I ketched up the tumbler and run with it to her, for I thought to goodness she was going to faint. She under- . to drink — I don't know how it happened, but the tumbler Slipped, and gracious me, if between us we didn't spid the water all over the collar and dress. " I was dreadfully Clustered, for I thought it looked as though it was my fault, and the first thing I did was to out with my handkerchief, and give it to Mary Ann; it was nicely done up, and she took it. The folks had held in pretty well up to this time, but then such a giggle and laugh as there was— I didn't know what had given them such a start, till I looked and seen that Td given Mary Ann Unit baby's shirt .'" Here Mrs. .Jones, who is a very fleshy woman, undulated and shook like a mighty jelly with her mirth, and it was e time before she could proceed with her narrative. "Why," said she, with tears of laughter running down her cheeks, "I'd tucked it into my dress for a 'kerchief. Thai same from being absent-minded and in ;i fidget." "And Alary Ann and Stephen were they married after all .'■' •■ Dear me, aid Mr i. Jo and it turned out to be the gayest wedding thai I ever attended." "And the baby's shirt, Mrs. Jon< 114 AN INQUIRING YANKEE. "La me," said Mrs Jones, " how young folks do ask questions. Everybody agreed I ought to make Mary Ann a present on't." "Well, Mrs. Jones?" " Well," said Mrs. Jones, " twant long 'fore she had a use for it. And that's the end of the story." AN INQUIRING YANKEE. AXO.VTMOUS. A well-known citizen of Hartford, Ct., a few days ago had taken his seat in an afternoon train for Providence, when a small, weazen-faced, elderly man, having the ap- pearance of a well-to-do farmer, came into the car, looking for a seat. The gentleman good-naturedly made room for him by his side, and the old man looked him over from head to foot. " Going to Providence ?" he said at length. " No, sir," the stranger answered, politely, " I stop at Andover." " I want to know ! I belong out that way myself. Ex- pect to stop long ?" u Only over night, sir." A short pause. " Did you cal'late to put up at tbe tavern ?" "No, sir; I expect to stop at a private house." "Private house, eh ? Mebbe at old Jones's?" " I am not acquainted with him. If you must know, I am going to Mr. Skinner's." "What, Job Skinner? Deacon Job lives in a little brown house on the pike ? Or mebbe it's his brother's ? Was it Tim Skinner, Squire Tim's, Where you was going?" "Yes," said the gentleman, smiling; "it was Squire Tim's." "Dew tell if you are goin' there to stop over night. Any connection of his'n ?" A2J IXQUIRIXG YANKEE. 115 "No, sir." " Well, now that's curus ! The old man ain't got into any trouble nor nothing, has he V lowering his voice ; " ain't goin' to serve a writ on him, be you ?" "Oh, no; nothing of the kind." " Glad ou't. No harm in askin', I s'pose. I reckon Miss Skinner's some connection of yourn t" " No," said the gentleman. Then seeing the amused expression on the faces of two or three acquaintances in the neighboring seats, he added, in a confidential tone : " I am going to see Squire Skinner's daughter." "Law sakes !" said the old man, his face quivering with curiosity. That's it, is it ? I want to know? Going to see Mirandy Skinner, be ye f Well, Mirandy's a nice gal — kind o' humly and long-favored, but smart tew work, they say ; and I guess you're about the right age for her, too. Ken' company together long. - ' u Never saw her in my life, sir." " How you talk ! Somebody's gin her a recommend, I s'pose, and you're goin' clear out there to take a squint at her! Wa'al, I must say there's as likely gals in Andover as Mirandy Skinner. I've got a family of growed-up dar- ters myself. Never was married afore, was ye? Don't po •, eed on your hat." "I have been married about fifteen years, sir. I have a wife and five children." And then, as the long-restrained mirth <>f the listeners to this dialogue burst forth at the old man's open-mouthed astonishment, he hastened to ex- plain : •• I am a doctor, my good friend, and Squire Skin- ner called at my office this morning to request my pro- ional service for bis sick daughter. As l am not able to return this evening, you see I am obliged to accept Mr. Skinnei litality for the night." "Wa'al nowl" And the old bore waddled off Into the L car. 116 THE THEEE BELLS. THE THREE BELLS. Beneath the low-hung night cloud That raked her splintering mast, The good ship settled slowly, The cruel leak gained fast. Over the awful ocean Her signal guns pealed out. Dear God ! was that thy answer From the horror round about ? A voice came down the wild wind, "Ho ! ship ahoy !" its cry; "Our stout Three Bells of Glasgow Shall lay till daylight by !" Hour after hour crept slowly, Yet on the heaving swells Tossed up and down the ship-lights, The lights of the Three Bells ! And ship to ship made signals, Man answered back to man, ."While oft, to cheer and hearten, The Three Bells nearer ran; And the captain from the taffrail Sent down his hopeful cry, "Take heart! Hold on!" he shouted, " The Three Bells shall lay by I" All night across the waters The tossing lights shone clear; All night from reeling taffrail The Three Bells sent her cheer. And when the dreary watches Of storm and darkness passed, Just as the wreck lurched under, All souls were saved at last. J. G. WHITTIEB. LOVE J3T A BALLOON. 117 Sail on, Three Bells, forever, In grateful memory sail ! King on, Three Bells of rescue, Above the wave and gale ! Type of the Love eternal, Repeat the Master's cry, As tossing through our darkness The lights of God draw nigh ! LOVE IN A BALLOON. HEAD BT J. M. BEIXEW. litchfield mobklet. Homo time ago I was staying with Sir George Flasher, with a great number of people there — all kinds of amuse- ments going on. Driving, riding, fishing, shooting, every- thing, in fact. Sir George's daughter, Funny, was often my companion in these expeditions, and I was considerably struck wiili her, for she was a girl to whom the epithet "stunning" applies better than any other that I am ac- quainted with. She could ride like Nimrod, she could drive like Jehu, sin- could row like Charon, she could dance like Terpsichore, she could row like Diana, she walked like Juno, and -lie looked like Venus. I've even seen her smoke. Oh, She was a •tunnel-! you should have heard that girl whistle, and laugh — you should have heard her laugh. SllO was truly a delightful companion. We rode together, dro\e together, fished together, walked together, danced together, sang together ; 1 called her Fanny, and she called me Tom. All this could have, but one termination, you know. I fell in love with her and determined to take tho first opportunity of proposing. So one day when we were out together, fishing on the lake, I went down on my knees amongst the gudgeons, seized her hand, pressed it to my wal and La burning accent entreated her to become my wife. 118 LOVE IN A BALLOON. " Don't be a fool," she said. " Now drop it, do, and put me a fresh worm on." "Ob, Fanny!" I exclaimed; "don't talk about worms when marriage is in question. Only say — " " I tell you what it is, now," she replied, angrily, "if you don't drop it I'll pitch you out of the boat." Gentlemen, I did not drop it, and I give you my word of honor, with a sudden shove she sent me flying into the water ; then seizing the sculls, with a stroke or two she jmt several yards between us, and burst into a fit of laughter that fortunately prevented her from going any further. I swam up and climbed into the boat. "Jenkins," said I to myself, " revenge ! revenge !" I disguised my feelings. I laughed— hideous mockery of mirth — I laughed, pulled to the bank, went to the house and changed my clothes. When I appeared at the dinner-table, I perceived that every one had been informed of my ducking. Universal laughter greeted me. During dinner Fanny repeatedly whispered to her neighbor and glanced at me. Smothered laughter invariably followed. "Jenkins!" said I, "re- venge !" The opportunity soon offered. There was to be a balloon ascent from the lawn, and Fanny had tor- mented her father into letting her ascend with the aero- naut. I instantly took my plans ; bribed the aeronaut to plead illness at the moment when the machine should have risen ; learned from him the management of the balloon, though I understood that pretty well before, and calmly awaited the result. The day came. The weather was fine. The balloon was inflated. Fanny was in the car. Every- thing was ready, when the aeronaut suddenly fainted. He was carried into the house, and Sir George accompanied him. Fanny was in despair. "Am I to lose my air expedition ?" she exclaimed, look- ing over the side of the car ; "some one understands the management of this thing, surely ? Nobody! Tom !" she called out to me, "you understand it, don't you?" LOYE IX A BALLOON. 119 " Perfectly," I answered. " Come along, then," she cried; " be quick, before papa comes back." The company in general endeavored to dissuade her from her project, but of course in vain. After a decent show of hesitation, I climbed into the car. The balloon was cast off, and rapidly sailed heavenward. There was scarcely a breath of wind, and we rose almost straight up. We rose above the house, and she laughed and said, " How jolly !" We were higher than the highest trees, and she smiled, and said it was very kind of me to come with her. We were so high that the people below looked mere specks, and she hoped that I thoroughly understood the manage- ment of the balloon. Now was my time. " I understand the going up part," 1 answered; " to come down is not so easy," and I whistled. •• What do you mean ?" she cried. " Why, when you want to go up faster, you throw some sand overboard," I replied, suiting the action to the word. "Don't be foolish, Tom," she said, trying to appear quite calm and indifferent, but trembling uncommonly. " Foolish !" I said; "oh, dear no, but whether I go along the ground or up in the air I like to go the pace, and so do you, Fanny, I know. Go it, you cripples !" and over went another sand-bag. " Why, you're mad, surely," she whispered, in utter ter- ror, and tried to reach the bags, hut I kept her back. "Only with love, my dear," I answered, smiling pleas- antly; "only with love for you. Oh, Fanny, I adore you! Say you will be my wife." "I gave you an answer the other day," she replied; "one which I should have thought you would have remem- bered," she added, laughing a little, notwithstanding her terror. "I remember it perfectly,-'' I answered, "but I intend to have a different reply to that. You see those live sand- 120 LOVE IX A BALLOOST. bags. I shall ask you five times to become my wife. Every time you refuse I shall throw over a sand-bag — so, lady fair, as the cabmeu would say, reconsider your decision, and consent to become Mrs. Jenkins. v " I won't," she said; " I never will ; and let me tell you that you are acting in a very ungentlemanly way to press i me thus." " You acted in a very ladylike way the other day, did you not," I rejoined, " when you knocked me out of tbe boat ?" She laughed again, for she was a plucky girl, and no mistake — a very plucky girl. " However," I went on, " it's no good arguing about it — will you promise to give me your hand ?" "Never!" she answered ; "I'll go to Ursa Major first, though I've got a big enough bear here, in all conscience. Stay ! you'd prefer Aquarius, wouldn't you ?" She looked so pretty that I was almost inclined to let her off. (I was only trying to frighten her, of course — I knew how high we could go safely, well enough, and how valuable the life of Jenkins was to his country), but resolution is one of the strong points of my character, and when I've begun a thing I like to carry it through ; so I threw over another sand-bag, and whistled the Dead March in Saul. "Come, Air. Jenkins," she said suddenly, "come, Tom, let us descend now, and I'll promise to say nothing what- ever about all this." I continued the execution of the Dead March. " But if you do not begin the descent at once I'll tell papa the moment I set foot on the ground." I laughed, seized another bag, and, looking steadily at her, said: " Will you promise to give me your hand i" " I've answered you already," was the reply. Over went the sand, and the solemn notes of the Dead March resounded through the car. "I thought you were a gentleman," said Fanny, rising up in a terrible rage from the bottom of the car, where she LOVE IX A BALLOON. 121 had been sitting, and looking perfectly beautiful in her wrath. "I thought you were a gentleman, but I find I was mistaken. Why, a chimney-sweeper would not treat a lady in such a way. Do you know that you are risking your own life as well as mine hy your madness?" I explained that I adored her so much that to die in her company would be perfect bliss, so that I begged she would not consider my feelings at all. She dashed her beautiful hair from her face, and standing perfectly erect, looking like the Goddess of Anger or Boadicea — if you can imagine that personage in a balloon— she said, " I com- mand you to begin the descent this instant !" The Dead March, whistled in a manner essentially gay and lively, was the only response. After a few minutes' silence I took up another bag, and said : " We are getting rather high ; if you do not decide soon we shall have Mercury coming to tell us that we are tres- passing — will you promise me your hand?" She sat in sulky silence in the bottom of the car. I threw over the sand. Then she tried another plan. Throwing herself upon her knees, and bursting into tears, she said : " Oh, forgive me for what I did the other day. It was very wrong, and 1 am very sorry. Take me home, and I will be a sister to you.'' "Not a wife I" said I. " I can't ! I can't !'' she answered. <> er went the fourth bag, and [ began to think she would ;, me after all, for I did not like the idea of going much higher. I would not give in just yet, however. I whistled for ;i few moments, to give her time for reflection, and then said: " Fanny, they say that marriages are made in heaven — if you do not take care, oura will be solemnized thei- I took up the fifth bag. " Come," I said, "my wife in life, or ray companion in death. Which is it to be V and I petted tho sand-bag in a cheerful manner. She held her 122 LOYE IX A EALLOOX. face in her bands, but did not answer. I nursed the bag in my arms, as if it bad been a baby. " Come, Fanny, give me your promise." I could bear ber sobs. I'm tbe softest-hearted creature breatbiug, and would not pain any living thing, and I confess sbe bad beaten me. I forgave her tbe ducking ; I forgave her for rejecting me. I was on the point of flinging the bag back into tbe car, and saying, " Dearest Fanny, forgive me for frigbtening you. Many whomsoever you wish. Give your lovely hand to the lowest groom in your stables — endow with your priceless beauty tbe chief of the Panki-wanki Indians. "Whatever happens, Jenkins is your slave — your clog — your footstool. His duty, henceforth, is to go whither- soever you sball order, to do whatever you shall command." I was just on tbe point of saying this, I repeat, when Fanny suddenly looked up, and said, with a queerish expression upon her face : " You need not throw that last bag over. I promise to give you my hand." " With all your heart !" I asked, quickly. " "With all my heart," she answered, with tbe same strange look. I tossed the bag into tbe bottom of the car, and opened the valve. Tbe balloon descended. Gentlemen, will you believe it? — when we bad reached the ground, and the balloon bad been given over to its recovered master, when I had helped Fanny tenderly to tbe earth, and turned to- wards her to receive anew tbe promise of ber affection and her band— will you believe it?— sbe gave me a box on tbe ear that upset me against tbe car, and running to ber father, who at that moment came up, she related to him and the assembled company what she called my disgrace- ful conduct in the balloon, and ended by informing me that all of her band that I was likely to get bad been already bestowed upon my ear, which she assured me had been given with all her heart. MRS. BROWN OX THE STATE OF THE STREETS. 123 " You villain !'' said Sir George, advancing toward me with a horse-whip in hi* hand. " Tou villain ! I'vo a good mind to break this over your back." "Sir George," said I, "villain and Jenkins must never be coupled in the same senteuce ; aud as for the breaking of this whip, I'll relieve you of the trouble," and snatching it from his hand, I broke it in two, and threw tbe peices on the ground. " And now I shall have the honor of wishing you a good morning. Miss Flasher, I forgive you ;" and I retired. Now I ask you whether any specimen of female treachery equal to that has ever come within your experi- ence, and whether any excuse can be made for such conduct ? MRS. BROWN ON THE STATE OF THE STREETS. AKTIfl/U SKKTC1ILKT. Talk about weather ! I never did in all my born days know nothiu' like it was the week afore last ; you're froze up <>no moment and all of a glow the next. Afl to this house we're a-living in, they calls it a simmy detached, as it's my opinion they was obliged to build it up again next door or it would never have stood by itself, as it is not much stronger than a egg-shell, as the savin' is. The draught under that kitchen-door it was as give it me, the cold as I've got, for I fell it all the while as I was a-makin' that weal and ham pie, as is a thing as Brown's partial to, and I makes it myself with a flaky crust, though some will have it as a short one is right, which in my opinion goes be I with fruit. As to puttin' a bit of bad butter in pie-crust, It's my idea of a sin as is downright filthy to the taste and unwholesome to a delicate stomach like Brown's, though yon wouldn't think it to look at him, but no one knows where the shoe pinches but them as Is bilious, a the ayin' is. I certainly did feel a chill, and pr'aps it might havobecn 124 MKS. BBOWN ON THE STATE OF THE STPwEETS. through them dratted hoys as I give twopence each to fur to clear away the snow. As a feller conies round with a paper, as he said was the westry's orders as I should dean up the front of my house. I says, " Then I'll thank the westry for to turn out and clean the road for me, as I can't get across, uot if it was to save my life, through beiu' ankle- deep, and poor Mrs. Atkius that had as I wanted for to go to, through me havin' promised, and only the corner of the street." So he says, "You may he carried across easy on a harrow," as I see meant jeers. So I says, "When I wants to he carried I'll get a steady donkey, and pr'aps you might he handy." " Well," says he, " I should recommend a dromedary." I wasn't a-going to waste my time a-talkin' to such as him, all the more as I felt a-creepin' all down my hack, as is a sure sign of chills with me, as has throwed me on a sick bed afore now, and was the death of poor old Mrs. Thornley, as kept the " Blue Lion " in Horsleydown, and never recovered a-fallin' asleep one Saturday night whilst a-soakin' her feet, and never woke up till they was froze hard in the foot-pan, through the cold beiu' that violent below zero as froze the Thames up with a ox roasted whole, as I've heard my dear mother say was shameful waste, through the roughs a-tearin' of it to bits in their open hands though blue and quivery, as is not wholesome in my opinion, though it should be done with the gravy in, as gives proper nutriment. Well, as I was savin', I give them boys twopence a-piece, and lent them the fire-shovel for to scrape off them frozen lumps, as is that dangerous, as well I've known through a-treadin' on one, as twisted my ankle and down I went, and shouldn't have minded it so much if it hadn't been for poor old Mr. Gibbins, next door but two, as had stepped out for the beer hisself and two new-laid eggs, though I should say no more new-laid than I am. Well, he had the beer in one hand and the eggs in the other, with a white worsted comforter and long ends, as he did ought to have snoo FLIES. J 25 tucked in somewhere, but left a-kangin'. He was a-walk- in' along by my side, a remarkin' about the weather and such like, when I treads on the bit of frozen snow, and nat'- rally clutches at anythin' for to save myself, and as bad luck would have it, seized hold of his ends of his comforter, and give him that drag as his 'eels slipped from under him, though list around his shoes, as didn't prove no protec- tion. Up goes his hand with the beer all in my face and! blinds me, but I heard a crash, and there he was a-welterhF in his new-laid eggs, and a-sayin' as his back was broke. So I says, '-Kick, 'cos if you can kick your back's all right," and kick he did, and he had no occasion for to ketch me on the shin so violent, me a-stoopin' for to help him up, a-fcelin' grateful to him for breakin' my fall, as the sayin is, but he kep' his bed for weeks. But the cold as I caught was a caution, as you don't ketch me out in the snow agin if I knows it. SHOO FLIES. ANONYMOUS. Dose efcnin clouds vas sodding fast, A i a young rnaus droo der tillage past, Shkatin along del shtonn und bail, ICitdese voids tied py his coat dail— Shoo Flies. Oh, dond gone out such anite like dose, His madder cried, you rill got froze; Dot Shack Frost he vill nil> your ear, She oiiey said so mit a shnccr — Shoo Flics. C pin k, come pack, der olt man .aid, of you dond look oud yon vill peen dead : 1 le pack, und py der fire aid, II i, ha ! I dond rid a hit Shoo Flies. Sohou Henry, der yoUDg .id, Come here ond cat in (lie right 134 STGNOR BILLSMETHl'S DANCING ACADEMY. place. Be this as" it may, when be bad finished, a great many ladies and gentlemen came up and complimented him very much, and said they had never seen a beginner do anything like it before; and Mr. Augustus Cooper was perfectly satisfied with himself, and everybody else into the bargain; and " stood" considerable quantities of spir- its-and-water, negus and compounds, for the use and be- hoof of two or three dozen very particular friends, selected from the select circle of five-and-seveuty pupils. Now, whether it was the strength of the compounds, or the beauty of the ladies, or what not, it did so happen that Mr. Augustus Cooper encouraged, rather than repelled, the very flattering attentions of a young lady in brown gauze over white calico, who had appeared particularly struck with him from the first ; and when the encourage- ments had been prolonged for some time, Miss Billsmethi betrayed her spite and jealousy thereat by calling the young lady in brown gauze a " creetur," which induced the young lady in brown gauze to retort, in certain sentences containing a taunt founded on the payment of four-and-six- pence a quarter, which reference Mr. Augustus Cooper, be- ing then and there in a state of considerable bewilderment, expressed his entire concurrence in. Miss Billsmethi, thus renounced, forthwith began screaming in the loudest key of her voice, at the rate of fourteen screams a minute ; and being unsuccessful, in an onslaught on the eyes and face, first of the lady in gauze and then of Mr. Augustus Cooper, called distractedly on the other three-and-seventy pupils to furnish her with oxalic acid for her own private drinking;' and, the call not being honored, made another rush at Mr. Cooper, and then had her stay-lace cut, and was carried off to bed. Mr. Augustus Cooper, not being remarkable for quickness of apprehension, was at a loss to under- stand what all this meant, until Signor Billsmethi explained it in a most satisfactory manner, by stating to the pupils that Mr. Augustus Cooper had made and confirmed divers DEE goot lookix snxow. 135 promises of marriage to bis daughter on divers occasions, and bad now basely deserted her ; on which, tbe indigna- tion of tbe pupils became universal ; and as several chival- rous gentlemen inquired rather pressingly of Mr. Augustus Cooper, whether be required anything for his own use, or, in other words, whether he " wanted auything for himself," he deemed it prudent to make a precipitate retreat. And tbe upshot of the matter was, that a lawyer's letter came next day, and an action was commenced next week ; and that Mr. Augustus Cooper, after walking twice to the Ser- pentine for the purpose of drowning himself, and coming twice back without doing it, made a confidante of his mother, who compromised the matter with twenty pounds from the till; which made tweuty pounds four shillings and sixpence paid to SignoT Billsmethi, exclusive of treats and pumps. And Mr. Augustus Cooper went back and lived with bis mother, and there he lives to this day; and as he has lost bis ambition for society, and never goes into the world, he will never see this account of himself, and will never bo auy tbe wiser. DER GOOT LOOKIN SHNOW. ASONTMOU3. Oh, dotshnow, dot goot lookin sbnow, Vhich makes von der shky out, on tings below; Uud yoost on derbause vhere der shingles vas grow, You eonie mil some coldness, vherefer you go; \ altzin uud pblayin and zinging along, Goot lookin sbnow, .you dond cood done wrong. Bfeu of you make on Bomeoldl gal's echeek, It make notting Afferent, oferdas Bhendlesom freak. Goot lookin Bhnow, von derglonds py der shky, You vas bully mitcold redder, and bully vonhigh. (ih, dol Bhnow, dol goot lookin shnow, foost dis vay and dot you make vhen yon go ; 136 DEE GOOT LOOKIX SHNOW. Fhlyin aroundt, you got matuess mit fun, Uud fhreeze makes der nose of efery von ; Lafein, runniu, mit gwickness go py, Toost sktobbin a leedle, den pooty gwiek fhly ; Und efen der togs, dot vas out in der yet, Vood shnab at der bieces vhich makes ou dhere hedt. Der peobles vas grazy, uud caddies rood crow Und say how you vas, you goot lookin shnow. Und so gwiek you vas dhere, und der vedder did shnow, Dhey shpeak out in dones so shweeder as low, Und der shleigh-riders, too, vas gone py in der lite, You dond cood saw dhem, dill quite out of site. Schwimmen, shkimmen, fhlirdin dhey go Eecht on der tob of dot goot lookin shnow. Dot shnow vas vhite glean vhen it comes der sbky down, Und yoost so muddy like mud, vhen it comes of der town, To been valked on py more as dwo hoondret fife feet, Dill gwiek, vas yoost lookin so phlack like der shtreet. Yell, I vas yoost lookin vonce so goot like dot shnow, But I tumbled me off, und vay I did go ; Nicht so glean, like der mut dot growed on der shtreet, I vas shcraped von der poots off, of der peobles I meet. Dinkin und shworin, I like of I die, To been sbtiff like a mackerel mit no von to buy, Yhile I trink me some lager to got a shquare meal, I vas afraid von der ghosts mine pody vood sbteal. Got in Himmel, how ish dot? Yas I gone down so low, Yhen I vonce vas so vhiteness like dot goot lookin shnow ? Yah, for dbrue, I vas told you, I vas vonce pure like dot shnow, Mit blaindy of lofe, von mine heart out vas grow; I dink von dhem efery von, iind dhey dink von me too, Und I vas humpugged mit fhladeries,* dot's yoost vot dhev do. Mine Fadder, Mndder, Gabruder der same, THE CELEBRATED JTJMPEifG FROG. 137 Yas loose me some sympadies, und forget vonce mine name, Und dot raskals who comes of me in der tarknesspy nite, Vood gone more as a ploeks to got out of mine site. Der coat von mine leeks, und poots of miue toe, Tas not gleaner as doze of dot goot looMn shnow. It vas gweer it shood been dot dot goot lookin shnow Vood make on a pad mans mit no vhere to go ; Und how gweer it vood been, vheu yoost pehindt tar, Ofer der bail und das vind mit mine pody vood pblay, Hobbiu, skibben, und me dedt like an eel — Mine mat vas got oop, nefer a vord cood I shpeil, To been zeen py der peobles who vas valk ofer der town, "Who vas dickled mit pbleasures, of der shnow vas como down, I yoost lay dor ground, und gone died mit a woo. Mit a pedgwjlta und billows, von der goot lookin shnow. THE CELEBRATED JUMPING FROG. Willi PKBMI88ION OF THE AUTHOR, mark twain. There was a feller here once by the name of Jim Smiley, who was the curiosest man about always betting on any- thing that turned up you ever sec, if he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he couldn't, he'd change sides. Any way that suited the other man would suit him— any way jus! so's he gol a hot, ho was satisfied. He was . s ready and laying for a chance. Well, this byer Smiley bad rat-tarriers, and flghting- b, mid toi and all them kind of things, till you ml yon couldn'l fetcb nothing for him to hot on hut he'd match you. lie ketched a frog one day, and took him homo, and said he cal'klated to edercate him ; mid be never done nothing for three months but sel in his back yard ami learn that frog to jump And you bet you 138 TIIE CELEBRATED JTMTISrG FROG. be did learn him, too. He'd give him a little punch behind, and tbe next minute you'd see tbat frog whirling in the air like a doughnut — see him turn one summerset, or may be a couple if he got a good start, and come down flat-footed and all right, like a cat. He got him up so in the matter of catching flies, and kept him in practice so constant, that he'd nail a fly every time as far as he could see him. Smi- ley said all a frog wanted was education, and he could do most anything— and I believe him. Why, I've seen him set Dan'l Webster down here on this floor— Dan'l Webster was the name of the frog— and sing out, " Flies, Dan'l, flies !" and quicker'n you could wink, he'd spring straight up, and snake a fly off n the counter there, and flop down on the floor again as solid as a gob of mud, and fall to scratching the Bide of his head with his hind foot, as indif- ferent as if he hadn't no idea he'd been doin' any more'n any frog might do. You never see a frog so modest and straightfor'ard as he was, for all he was so gifted. And when it come to fair and square jumping on a dead level, he could get over more ground at one straddle than any animal of his breed you ever see. Jumping on a dead level was his strong suit, you understand ; and when it come to. that, Smiley would ante up money on him as long as he had a red. Smiley was monstrous proud of his frog, and well he might be, for fellers that had traveled and been everywheres all said that he laid over any frog that ever they see. Well, Smiley kept the beast in a little lattice box, and he used to fetch him down town sometimes and lay for a bet. One day a feller — a stranger in the camp, he was — come across him with his box, and says : " What might it be that you've got in the box?'' And Smiley says, sorter indifferent like, "It might be a parrot, or it might be a canary, may be, but it ain't— it's only jest a frog." And the feller took it, and looked at it careful and turned TIIE CELEBRATED JUMPING FR(-G. 139 it round this way and that, and says, " H'm — so 'tis. Well, what's He good for V "Well," Smiley says, easy and careless, '-He's good enough for one thing, I should judge — he can outjump any frog. in Calaveras county. - ' The feller took the box again, and took another long, particular look, and give it back to Smiley, and says, very deliberate, " Well, I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog." '• May be you don't," Smiley says ; " may be you under- stand frogs, and may be you don't understand 'em ; may be you've had experience, and may be you ain't only a amature, as it were. Anyways, I've got my opinion, and I'll risk forty dollars that he can outjump anything in Cal- averas county." And the feller studied a minute, and then says, kinder sail like, " Well, I'm only a stranger here, and 1 ain't got no frog ; but if I had a frog I'd bet you." And then Smiley says, " That's all right — that's all right — if you'll hold my box a minute, I'll go and get you a frog." And bo the feller took the box, and put up his forty dollars along with Smiley's, and set down to wait. So be set there a good while, thinking and thinking to hisself, and then he got the frog out and pried his mouth open and took a teaspoon and filled him full of quail shot — Oiled him pretty near up to bis chin — and set him on the floor. Smiley he went to the swamp and slopped around in tin; mud fur a long time, and finally he ketched a frog, and fetched him in, and give him to this feller, and says: "Now, if you're ready, set him alongside of Dan'l, with fore-paws jest even with Dan'l's, ami I'll give the word." Then he says, "' ' toe, two, three jump I" and him and the feller touched up the frogs from behind, and the new frog hopped off", but Dan'l give a heave, and hysted up his shoulders, so, like a Frenchman, but it wasn't do use -ho couldn't budge; he was planted as solid as an anvil, and 140 THE " LOST CHORD." he couldn't no more stir than if he was anchored out. Smi- ley was a good deal surprised, aud he was disgusted too, but be didn't bave no idea wbat the matter was, of course. Tbe feller took the money and started away, and when he was going out at the door he sorter jerked bis thumb over his shoulders, this way, at Dan'l, and says again, very deliberate, " Well, I don't see no p'ints about that frog that's any better'n any other frog." Smiley he stood scratching bis bead and looking down at Dan'l a long time, and at last he says, "I do wonder what in the nation that frog throw'd off for — I wonder if there ain't something tbe matter with him — he 'pears to look mighty baggy, somehow." Aud he ketched Dan'l by tbe nap of the neck and lifted him up and says, " Why, blame my cats if he don't weigb five pound !" and turned him upside down, and be belcbed out a double handful of shot. And then be see bow it was, and he was tbe mad- dest man — he set the frog down and took out after that fil- ler, but be never ketched him. THE "LOST CHORD." ADELAIDE PKOCTOB. Seated one day at the organ, I was weary and ill at ease, And my ringers wandered idly Over the noisy keys. I do not know what I was playing, Or what I was dreaming then ; But I struck one chord of music, Like the sound of a great Amen ! &* It flooded the crimson twilight, Like the close of an angel's psalm, And it lay on ray fevered spirit, "With a touch of infinite calm. A TALE OF A LEG. 141 It quieted pain and sorrow, Like love overcoming strife ; It seemed the harmonious echo From our discordant life. It linked all perplexed meanings Into one perfect peace, And trembled away into silence, As if it were loth to cease. I have sought, but I seek it vainly, That one lost chord divine, That came from the soul of the organ, And entered into mine. It may be that Death's bright angel Will speak in that chord again ; It may be that only in heaven I shall hear that grand Amen. A TALE OF A LEG. THOMAS MILLER. Ben Brast was driving his sheep from Newark. Ben had a Que Leg of Northamptonshire mutton slung over his shoulder, and ever as he drove his sheep along, and got them nicely together, he tinned to admire the joint, and by a jerk of liis arm brought it at the front. "Hev it boiled,*' said Ben; "sup of prime broth, hut broth fillsone so soon, [fa prime baked over , a lot of nice, mealy tatoes, it gives the tatoes Bich a flavor. Roasted'a better— but, laws! it meeks mo so hungry while turning it, and I half fill mo we' sops in the pan. And lie again examined it, took hold of the shank and felt its weight, then threw it once more over his shoulder. The Gat almost frizzled in t lie sun, for the morning was unusually hot. How nice it will eal prime red gravy ! England's a gloriou country ! there's legs of mutton in the world beside, there isn't a leg like this in forcigu parts abroad, [t's a blessed country. 142 A TALE OF A LEG. But I begin to want my lunch. Or should I stay and make a good dinner at Besthorpe ? I thiuk 1 will, he gives cap- ital shilling dinners. He says he loses two shillings by me every time. I dare say he don't get much. But, laws! everybody don't eat alike ; and I dare say, what we' one and another, it pays very well indeed. Who the dickens is yon coming f Why, I declare it's my wife's cousin. Dash him, if he sees this mutton he'll want to fall bones on it ! He's sich a fellow for fresh meat." " Sweet leg of mutton there, Ben," said cousin William, glutting his gaze upon it, as if he would have eaten it with his eyes. " What a nice relish a slice round would but give a pint of ale ! I made but a poor breakfast. I never saw a prettier leg than that, Ben." " It's a real good un," answered Ben, hitching it farther back, " and I mean to hev it done for Sunday's dinner." " I don't mind going back we' you," said the hungry- looking cousin. " I should enjoy a bit of that mutton on Sunday, Ben, that I should." "It would be all the better for being hung up a day or two longer," said Ben, who had seen cousin William eat once, " and if I should change my mind, and not hev it cooked on Sunday, it would be a disappointment to yon." " W T hy, for that matter," answered the persevering cousin, "I could stay as long as it would keep good." " I'll tell you what I'll do," said Ben ; " if you'll pay for th' ale, I'll stand a dinner for you at Besthorpe. They charge a shilling, and if you eat a stone of meat, they charge no more. You'll see how I'll teck the landlord in, for he's often grumbled at giving a dinner for a shilling; but we'll sarve him out to-day. Are you in cood trim?" "Capital," said cousin William; "I'm good for half-a- crown's worth, anyhow." "Then we'll do him, by Jove!" said Ben, rubbing his A TALE OF A LEG. 143 hands with delight ; " for I'm in beautiful order. He shall Lev soineat to grumble about this time. I think you and I, cousin, can put as much under our jackets, as any two men in England." They soon arrived at Besthorpe, and put up at the old 11 Black Bell." * ****** The sheep were put into a neighboring paddock, and Ben began to inquire after dinner. "It's only just down," said the landlord, looking very hard at cousin William's long jaws, for the host had some skill in the physiognomy of a good trencherman, and ho wished his guests had traveled a little farther. " It'll be an hour and a half before it's ready. Hadn't you better go' on to Newton .'—you'll about get there in time." •• No, thank you," said Ben, winking at his cousin, " wo can wait till dinner's ready ; the sheep want a bit of a rest." Then calling to the servant-girl, he said, "Here, .Mary, just hang this leg of mutton up in a cool place until I go." The girl obeyed; and as the landlord threw his sharp eye upon it, he said, "It'sa prime leg that, Ben; but I think wc shall have as good a one to-day." •• Roasted .'" said Ben. '• Y soul was sent. Now — well, fetch the par on, find the book, It is up on tli<- ■ belf there, if yon look ; The been friend, ami fire, and bread; Put me where it. will tell of me, lying dead, IIow it called, and I rose and went. 152 badger's debut as hamlet. BADGER'S DEBUT AS HAMLET. ERAS BY X II. ISELLEW. Litchfield moselkt. "That's something like a bill," said Jobson, the mana- ger, holdiug it against the wall, and addressing me as I entered his .sanctum. It read as follows : j Reopening of the Theatre Royal, Slushington. Under the sole management of Mr. Leonardo Jobson. Engagement of the celebrated American Tragedian, Mr. Titus B. Badger, (from the principal theatres of the United States, California, New Zealand, the Sandwich Islands, the Carribees and Timbuctoo), who will appear in his great impersonation of Hamlet, as performed by him for 1231 nights with the greatest success. The entire press of the two hemispheres has unanimously pronounced this gentleman to bo the only successor to Edmund Kean. He will be supported by a powerful Company, selected from the principal Metropolitan Theatres. After which will be presented an entirely New and Origi- nal Farce, entitled " Skedaddling." Notwithstanding the enormous expense of this engage- ment, there will be no advance in the prices. " That's something like a bill," again said Jobson, step- ping back a few paces in order more fully to admire it. " What do you think of it, eh ?" I had picked up a slight acquaintance with the manager, who was^to use the mildest term possible — a theatrical adventurer, with as many aliases as there are letters in the alphabet; one of those sharp individuals whose trickiness brings the stage into disrepute. " A very taking poster," I replied. " Think so ?" said he. " There's one fault in it — Badg- er's name isn't half large enough. You wouldn't believe the difference that an inch or two of type makes to a trage- dian. Supposing I leave that bill as it is, nobody will BADGERS DEBUT AS HAMLET. 153 think anything of Badger. Give him taw-inch letters, peo- ple will glance at the name, and pass on ; increase them to four, and they'll wonder who Badger is ; put him in ticelve-mch. type, and we shan't know where to seat the people. I'm having some posters done now with letters four feet high, and nothing on them but ' Badger ;' and if they don't draw in the public my name's not — Bless me ! if I know what my name is !'' " I should not have thought it," I replied. " Shouldn't you ? Why, if we had Phelps down here, and only gave him ordinary type, I don't believe we should have fifty people in the house." "Indeed! But who is Badger?" I asked. "I never heard of him." •• No more has anybody else. But we're going to have a dress rehearsal directly, and you shall see him." " Does he come from America \ n " Not a bit of it. He's a stage-struck young. idiot from the Bow-road, who's never been farther west thanPimlico. His name's Tibbetts, and he's clerk to a shoemaker in the city. He fancies he has a genius for tragedy, and has paid me twenty pounds to allow him to appear here. Fact ! .My company never costs mo anything for salaries. I always make V:n pay me for the privilege of performing. It suits my pocket, it pleases them, and so neither of as grumble. Mugford !" This was to one of the carpenters. •• Thir," said Mugford, who suffered from a lisp. "Have you finished those skulls yet — Yorick's and the other two I" '• STetb, Milliter Johthon, thir. I've bought three big thwede turnipth, and I've covered 'em over with brown paper, and I think they'll do, thir." "Very well." F.xit Mugford and enter I! ey. '• Now, Ikey, what do yon want ?" " Please sir, we can't gel no earth for Hamlick's grave, 154 BADGEll'S DEBUT AS HAMLET. so you'll have to do with a bag o' silver sand ; and please, sir, the rehearsal bell's a-ringing." " That'll do. Now, sir, follow me, if you please,?' and the manager led the way onto the stage. " Ah, Mr. Badger, allow me to introduce you to this gentleman — Mr. Badger, Mr. Robinson. Proud to make two eminent men acquainted with each other. Mr. Bad- ger, sir," said Jobson, turning to me — " Mr. Badger is a young man brimming over with talent — genius, sir, pos- itive genius. All fire, sir — all fire." Perhaps his having been all fire accounted for his scarcity of flesh. He was an- overgrown, shambling lad, of about twenty, with a cast in one eye, a snub nose, red hair, a wide mouth, and an unpleasant smile. " 'Ope I see you well, sir," said Badger, grinning sheep- ishly, and sliding a damp paw into my hand. " Well, Mr. Badger, I suppose you're going to astonish us all down here." " I 'ope so, sir." " I hope so too," I rejoined. " Now, then, clear the stage for the rehearsal !" said Jobson. "Where are you all? — King! Queen! Hamlet! Polonius ! Rosencrantz ! Guildensteru ! Horatius ! Mar- cell us ! Bernardo !" " Here !" " Here !" " Here ! Mr. Jobson." " Tompkins ! run up to the flies with some nails and the glue-pot, and tinker up that castle-wall a bit ; and Ikey ! pull up that sky, and let the moon down two or three feet lower. Hi! what's that smoke? What are you burning in that moon — eh ?" " Kerosene, sir.'' " Put it out ! put it out directly ! I won't have a kero- sene moon. I won't have a drop of kerosene in the place. Burn candle-ends." " Right, sir." " Mr. Dawbs! Mr. Dawbs ! where is Mr. Dawbs ?" BADGEIi'S DEBUT AS HAMLET. 155 " Here, sir." " What's the meaning of all those holes in that horizon- cloth— eh f " " They're stars, sir." "Stars, sir ! stars! Why, some of your stars are bigger than the moon ; they're not stars, they're comets ! me- teors, sir ! meteors ! Cover 'em over directly !" " Certainly, sir," said the crestfallen Dawbs; and the rehearsal commenced. In the opening scene I heard fragments being given thus : King. Though yet of a — Hamlet, our dear b.er-rother's death The mera'iy be ger-reen; and that it is befitted To bear our a — hearts in ger-rief, and our whole Kingdom To be contracted by one ber-row of woe, &c. Queen, (with a strong Scotch accent). Gude Hamlet, cast thee- neeghted coolor off, An' let theen 'ee look like a friend on Dinmork ; Do not for eever wi' thee vailed lids Seek for the nooble feyther in the doost. Thee knawest 'tis common, a' that leeves must dee, in 1 thraw nature to eternitee. Wh;i' .seem ye then to fret about 'un, mon? Hamlet (jerkily). Seems, madam. Bay, hit his. II i know not seems. It ain't alone my liinky cloke, good mother, Nor customary suits of solium black, Nor windy perspiration nor forced breath ; Bnt Hi 'ave that within which passeth show. These 'ere the trappings hand the suits of woe "Green !" interrupted Jobson, " see that those two egg- boxes (nv tin; throne stops arc painted red before we re- hearse again." And having Been as much of the rehearsal as I wanted, I bade Jobson "Good morning," and left the theatre. Monday evening arrived in due course, and the Theatre Royal, Slusbington, was crowded. Badger was much ap- 15G BADGER'S DEBUT AS nAMLET. plauded on his appearance ; but as soon as he found him- self before the audience, his voice became totally inaudible. At length a gentleman in the gallery shouted, " Speak up, undertaker !" which had the effect of increasing his ner- vousness to such an extent, that Hamlet's part in the Ghost scene became merely a piece of dumb show ; during which the grumblings of the " gods," at first " not loud, but deep," ripened into an angry roar, and culminated in a clamor for "Hot Codlings," or " Tipetywichit," intermin- gled with cries of " Go home," and " Bravo, Shakespeare." Badger, however — who, it soon became evident, had had recourse to a stimulant— plodded on somewhat after this fashion : Hamlet. 'Tis now the very witchin' ftour hoi uiglit, When churchyards yawn, and 'ell itself breathes oat Contagion to this world. Now — now Prompter (at wing). Now could I drink hot blood. Hamlet. Now could I drink 'ot blood, And do a bit o' business that the day Would quake to look on. Oh 'art, lose not thy nature, let not 7tever The soul o' Nero neuter this firm bosom, &c. In the churchyard scene, Badger made a great, but un- expected hit. In declaiming the famous speech— What is he wbose grief bears such an hemphasis ? Whose phase of sorrow • Conjures the wondering stars, and makes them stand Like wonder- wounded 'carers. This 7/is Hi ! 'Arnlet, the Dane — He kept backing step by step, until— forgetting, its prox- imity—he missed his footing, and turned a back somer- sault into Ophelia's grave, burying himself so effectually that the two grave-diggers had to extricate him from his living tomb, amid roars of laughter from the audience. In this mishap he also lost his black wig, and played the re- mainder of the tragedy in his own red hair. But the climax was reached in the last scene; when. BADGEE'S DEBUT AS HAMLET. 157 having killed Laertes, Hamlet wrests the poisoned cup from the attendant's hand. In flinging it away it hit the dead Laertes on the nose ; whereupon, that gentleman— who was of a fiery temperament — sprang up, and striding to Hamlet, asked " Whether he did that on purpose ? as, if so, he. felt inclined to give him something for himself." Here the oftier performers interfered ; and Laertes having been coaxed to die again peaceably, the tragedy was suf- fered to proceed. The curtain had barely fallen on " Hamlet," before some half score scene-shifters and car- penters, headed by Green, came running onto the stage. After a short pause, Green — who was an'Irishman — pulled oil' bis cap, and making a low bow, said : " I'laze yer honors, axing yer honors' pardon— I should be afther saying, Ladies and Gintlemen— the manager- bad 'cess to him— has been and gone and boulted with the resales, and he\s forgotten to pay us our wages. Sure an' its hard loines for me mates an' me, as has got twelve small childem — mostly under the age o' four— to pervide for, to be done out of our airntngs in this way by a thafe as he is. Och ! bad luck to ould Jobson ; as I'd be afther wi.shin' him to his face if he was here now. And, plaze yer honors, I'm half ashamed to ax ye; but one o' the bhoys will stand by the door with the cap, and if so be as ye've got a Ui\v coppers to spare, wo shall all feel very grateful to ye." Here the speaker was answered by a smart show- er of small coin on the stage. "Hooray! for yer honors' ginerous hearts. Good luck to ye, and may ye live for ivcr, and die at a graue old age. Kape up the supply, gintlemen, and don't be afraid as we shall complain o' the throuble o* pickin' 'em up. May the blii ins "' the missis and the young 'uns be upon ye, and thank ye for mej and may ye oiver be afther knowin' what it is to feel the wants of a penny." And this was the finish of Badger's debut. J 58 HOW HEZEKIAH STOLE THE SPOOXS. HOW HEZEKIAH STOLE THE SPOONS. ANONYMOUS. In a quiet little Ohio village, m my years ago, was a tavern where the stages always changed, and the passen- gers expected to get breakfast. The landlord of the said hotel was noted for his tricks upon travelers, who were allowed to get fairly seated at the table, when the driver would blow his horn (after taking his "horn"), and sing out, "Stage ready, gentlemen!" — whereupon the passen- gers were obliged to hurry out to take their seats, leaving a scarcely tasted breakfast behind them, for which, how- ever, they had to fork over fifty cents ! One day, when the stage was approaching the house of this obliging landlord, a passenger said that he had often heard of the landlord's trick, and he was afraid they would not be able to eat any breakfast. " What ! — how ? No breakfast !" exclaimed the rest. "Exactly so, gents, and you may as well keep your seats and tin." " Don't they expect passengers to breakfast V " Oh, yes ! they expect you to it, but not to eat it. I am under the impression that there is an understanding be-, tween the landlord and the driver, that for sundry and various drinks, &c, the latter starts before you can scarcely commence eating." " What on airth are you all talking about ? Ef you calke- I late I'm going to pay four-and ninepence for my breakfast, and not get the valee on't, you're mistaken," said a voice from a back seat, the owner of which was one Hezekiah Spaulding — though "tew hum" they call him "Hez"for short. " I'm goin' to get my breakfast here, and not pay . nary red cent till I do." "Then you'll be left." "Not as you knows on, I guess I won't." "Well, we'll see," said the other, as the stage drove up HOW HEZEKIAH STOLE THE SPOONS. 159 to the door, and the landlord, ready " to do' the hospita- hle," says — " Breakfast just ready, gents ! Take a wash, gents ? Here's water, basins, towels, and soap." After performing the ablutions, they all proceeded to the dining-room, and commenced a fierce onslaught upon the edibles, though Hez took his time. Scarcely had they tasted their coffee, when they heard the unwelcome sound of the horn, and the driver exclaim — "Stage ready!" Up rise eight grumbling passengers, pay their fifty cents, and take their seats. "All on board, gents?" inquires tho host. " One missing," said they. Proceeding to the dining-room, the host finds Hez very coolly helping himself to an immense piece of steak, the size of a horse's hip. "You'll be left, sir! Stage going to start !" " Wall, I hain't got notion' agin it," drawls out Hez. ' Can't wait, sir — better take your seat." " I'll be gall-darned ef I dew, notlier, till I've got my breakfast ! I paid for it, and I am goin' to get the valeo on't ; and cf you calkclate I hain't, you are mistaken." So tho stage did start, and left Hez, who continued his attack upon the edibles. Biscuits, coffee, &c, disappeared before the eyes of the astonished landlord. " Say, .squire, them there cakes is 'bout eat — fetch on another grist on 'em. You" (to the waiter), "'nother cup of th.it ete coffee. Pass them eggs. Raise your own pork, I This is 'maziif nice ham. Land 'boul here toler- able cheap, squire ''. Hain't much maple timber in these parts, hev yel Dew right smart trade, squire, I calkc- late f And thus lie/, kept quizzing the landlord until ho had made a hearty meal. iy, squire, now I'm 'boul to conclude paying my de~ vowers tew this ere table, but jest give us ;i bowl of bread and milk to top off with; I'd be much obleeged tew ye." 160 paddy's dkeam. So out go the landlord and waiter for tbo bowl, milk, and bread, and set tbem before bim. " Spoon, tew, ef you please.'" But no spoon could be found. Landlord was sure be bad plenty of silver ones lying on tbe table wben tbe stage stopped. " Say, dew ye ? dew ye tbink tbem passengers is goin' to pay ye for a breakfuss and not git no compensashun ?" " Ab ! what? Do you tbink any of tbe passengers took tbem ?" " Dew I think ?" No, I don't tbink, but I'm sartin. Ef tbey are all as green as yew 'bout bere, I'm going to locate immediately, and tew wonst." Tbe landlord rusbes out to tbe stable, and starts a man off after the stage, which had gone about three miles. The man overtakes the stage, and says something to the driver, in a low tone. He immediately turns back, and on arriving at the hotel, Hez comes out, takes his seat, aud says- " How are yew, gents? I'm rotted glad to see yew." " Can you point out the man you think has the spoons?" asked the landlord. "P'int him out? Sartinly I ken. Say, squire, I paid yew four-and-ninepence for a breakfuss, and I calkelate I got the valee on't ! You'll find them spoons in the coffee- pot." " Go ahead ! All aboard, driver." The landlord stared. PADDY'S DREAM. ANONYMOUS. I have often laughed at the way an Irish help we bad at Barnstaple once fished me for a glass of whiskey. One morning he says- to- me — " Oh, yer honor," says he, " I had a great drame last night intirely — I drained I was in PADDY'S DEEAM. KJ1 Eorae, tho' how I got there is more than I can tell ; but these I was, sure enough ; and as in duty bound, what does ] dc but go and see the Pope. Well, it was a long journey, and it was late when I got there— too late for the likes of me ; and when I got to the palace I saw priests, and bishops, and cardinals, and all the great dignitaries of the Church a coming out ; and sais one of them to me, ' How are ye, Pat Moloney?' sais ho; 'and that spalpeen yer father, bad luck to him, how is he?' It startled me to heai me own name so suddent, that it came mighty nigh waking me up, it did. Sais I, 'Tour rivereuce, how in the world did ye know that Pat Moloney was me name, let alone that of me father V — ' Why, ye blackguard,' sais he, 'I knew ye since ye was knee-high to a goose, and I knew yer mother afore ye was born.' — 'It's good right yer honor has then to know me,' sais I. — 'Bad manners to ye,' sais he, ' what is it ye are afther doing here at this time o' i.ight?'—' To see his Holiness tho Pope,' sais I. — 'That's right,' sais he; 'pass on, but leave yer impudence with yer hat and shoes at tho door.' Well, I was showu into a mighty fine room where his Holiness was, and down I went on me knees. 'Rise up, Pat Moloney,' sais his Holiness; •ye're a hroth of a boy to come all tho way from Ireland to do yer duty to me ; and it's dutiful children ye are, every mother's son of ye. What will ye have to drink, Pat V (The greater a man is, tho more of a rael gintleman ho is, yer honor, and tho more condescending.)— 'What will ye have to drink, Pat?' sais he.— ' A glass of whiskey, yor Holiness,' sais r, ' if it's all tho same to ye.'— 'Shall it be hot OT eold ?' sais he.— 'Hot,' sais I, 'if it's all the same, : gives ye no I rouble.'— ' Hot it shall be,' sais he; ' but ; ' havedismi ed all meservants forthenight,T'l] just step down below for the tay-kettle ;'• and wid that he left tho room, and was gone for a long time; and jist as he came to the door again he knocked so loud the noise woke mo up, and, be jahers! I missed me whiskey entirely! lie- 102 VICTUALS AND DRINK. dad, if I had only had the sense to say ' Nate, yer Holi- ness/ I'd a had me whiskey sure enough, and never known it warn't all true, instead of a dranie." I knew what he wanted, so I poured him out a glass. " Won't it do as well now, Pat?" said 1. "Indeed it will, yer honor," says he, "and me drame will come true, after all. I thought it would, for it was mighty nateral at the time, all but the whiskey." VICTUALS AND DRINK. MOTHER GOOSE FOR OLD FOLKS. anonymous. : There once was a woman, and what do you think 1 She lived upon nothing hut victuals and drink; Victuals and drink were the chief of her diet, And yet this poor woman scarce ever was quiet." And were you so foolish as really to think That all she could want was her victuals and drink ? And that while she was furnished with that sort of diet, Her feeling and fancy would starve and be quiet ? Mother Goose knew far better, but thought it sufficient, To give a mere hint that the fare was deficient ; For I do not believe she could ever have meant To imply there was reason for being content. Yet the mass of mankind is uncommonly slow To acknowledge the fact it behooves them to know; Or to learn that a woman is not like a mouse, Needing nothing hut cheese, and the walls of a house. But just take a man, — shut him up for a day ; Get his hat and his cane— put them snugly away, Give him stockings to mend, and three sumptuous meals, And then ask him at night— if you dare — how he feels ! Do you think he will quietly stick to the stocking, While you read the news, and don't care about talking?" •» HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIOT). ]G3 Oh, many a woman goes starving, I ween, "Who lives in a palace, and fares like a queen ; Till the famishing heart and the feverish brain Have spelled out to life's end the long lesson of pain. Tet stay ! To my mind an uneasy suggestion Comes up, that there may be two sides to the question ; That, while here and there proving inflicted privation, The verdict must often be, " willful starvation," Since there arc men and women would force one to thin!: They choose to live only on victuals and drink. restless and craving, nnsatisfied hearts, "Whence never the vulture of hunger departs . How long on the husks of your life will ye feed, 1 snoring the soul and her famishing need ? Bethink you, when lulled in your shallow content, 'Twaa 1<> Lazarus only the angels were sent; And 'tis he to whose lips but earth's ashes are jxiven, For whom the full banquet is gathered in heaven ! HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WENT BLIND. ANOXYMorc. In Germantown, near Philadelphia, several years ago, a native, simple-minded Dutchman, named Jacob Schneider, kept a liquor and lager-bier saloon. Jacob was not only ■foml <>f drinking lager with bis customers, bat would not refuse either corn-juice, red-eye, or Jersey lightning, when asked to imbibe thereof in a social way— the customer, of course, paying an extra half-dime for Jacob's drink. One WOUld not suppose that this friendly habit could, by any possibility, bring trouble and vexation upon honest Jacob, but it did, as we shall presently show. One eventful night it was observed that Schneider bad shut up bis saloon and gone home lull an hour earlier than 1G-4 HOW JAKE SCHNEIDER WEST BLIND. usual. Being asked, next day, what was the matter, he told the following droll story : " I shut up mine blace pecause I vas mat as ter tyfel, and vas humpugged into der pargain. I'll tell you 'pout it. Yer see, dree or four young shcamps gomes into mine sa- loon, and one says to me, ' Yacob, you got some fresh lager V I says ' yaas,' and I draws der lager ; anoder von says he vants gards, and I prings de gards, and da Mays gards. Pimeby noder says, 'Yacoh, old poy, let's have some ret-eye ; and mind you, Yacob, pring an extra glass for yourself.' Yell den, I prings der pottle of ret-eye, and da drinks two dree dimes, and I drinks mit 'em two dree dimes ; and I gets so tairi trunk dat I lies down on der peuck and goes to shleep. Ven I vakes up, der room ish dark as der tyfel, put I hears der young chaps calling der gards; von says, ' bass !' nodder says, 'left power!— right power !' den nodder von, ho says, ' uker'd !' and shwears like a drooper. Da vas all Maying at der taple, shust as da vas ven I goes to shleep, but mine eyes vas nix— I could shust see notting at all — the room vas bitch dark. So I dinks I vas plind, and I feel pad, and I cry out, ' 0, mine Gott ! I p'lieve I'm shtruck plind !'— Den der young chaps leaves der table and gomes vhere I vas, and makes p'leeve da very sorry. One says, ' Poor Yacob ! you no can see- vat vill der poor man's vamerly do !' Nodder call me poor cuss, and says I no pusiness to trink noding stronger dan lager. I got mat den— mat as dunder-^and I says to him, 'Vy, den, you vants me to drink it mit you? I p'leeve ; you put shtuff in der liquor to make me plind !' Den he laughs at me, and says I needn't trink if I didn't pe a mind to. Shust den von little poy gomes to der door mit a lantern, and I finds out der drick da vas Maying me— I see shust as goot as ever ! Der rascals had plow out der lights, and make p'leeve play uker to vool me ! I told 'em 'twas all hum pug, and they petter glear out, for I vouldn't light up no more. Dat's vat mine shaloon vas shut up for." aurelia's unfortunate youxg max. 1(55 AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN. MAUK TWAIN. The facts in the following case came to me by letter from a young lady who lives in the beautiful city of San Jose ; she is perfectly unknown to me, and simply signs herself "Aurelia Maria," which may possibly be a fictitious name. But no matter, she, poor girl, is almost heart- broken by the misfortunes she has undergone, and so con- fused by the conflicting counsels of misguided friends and insidious enemies, that she does not know what course to pursue in order to extricate herself from the web of dif- ficulties in which she seems almost hopelessly involved. In this dilemma she turns to me for help, and supplicates for my guidance and instruction with a moving eloquence that would touch the heart of a statue. Hear her sad story : She says that when she was sixteen years old she met and loved, with all the devotion of her passionate nature, a young man from New Jersey, named Williamson Breckin- ridge Caruthers, who was some six years her senior. They were engaged, with the free consent of their friends and relative's, and for a time it seemed as if their career was destined to be characterized by an immunity from sorrow beyond the usual lot of humanity. But at last the tide of fortune turned; young Caruthers became infected with small-poi of the most virulent type, and when he recovered .from his illness, his face was pitted like a waffle-mould, and biscomelin ue forever. Aurelia thought to break off the engagement at first, but pity for her unfortunate lover caused her to postpone the marriage-day for a season, and give him another trial. The very day before the wedding was to have taken place, Breckinridge, while absorbed In watching the Bight ofa balloon, walked jntoa well and fractured one of his [( and it had to be. taken off above the knee. Again Anrelia was moved to break the engagement, but again love 16G aukelia's unfortunate young man. triumphed, and she set the day forward and gave him another chance to reform. And again misfortune overtook the unhappy youth. He lost one arm hy the premature discharge of a Fourth-of- July cannon, and within three months he got the other pulled out by a carding machine. Aurelia's heart was al- most crushed by these latter calamities. She could not but be deeply grieved to see her lover passing from her by piecemeal, feeling, as she did, that he could not last forever under this disastrous process of reduction, yet knowing of no way to stop its dreadful career ; and in her tearful despair she almost regretted, like brokers who hold on and lose, that she had not taken him at first, before he had suffered such alarming depreciation. Still her brave soul bore her up, and she resolved to bear with her friend's unnatural disposition yet a little longer. Again the wedding-day approached, and again disap- pointment overshadowed it ; Caruthers fell ill with the ery- sipelas, and lost the use of one of his eyes entirely. The friends and relatives of the bride, considering that she had already put up with more than could be reasonably ex- pected of her, now came forward and insisted that the match should be broken off; but after wavering awhile, Aurelia, with a generous spirit that did her credit, said she had reflected calmly on the matter, and could not discover that Breckinridge was to blame. So she extended the time once more, and he broke his other leg. It was a sad day for the poor girl when she saw the sur- geons reverently bearing away the sack whose uses she had learnt by previous experience, and her heart told her the bitter truth that some more of her lover was gone. She felt that the field of her affections was growing more and more circumscribed every day, but once more she frowned down her relatives and renewed her betrothal. Shortly before the time set for the nuptials another dis- AUEELIA'.S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN. 1G7 aster occurred. There was but oue man scalped by the Owens River Indians last year. That man was Williamson Breckiuridge Caruthers, of New Jersey. He was hurrying home with happiness iu his heart, when he lost his hair for- ever, and in that hour of bitterness he almost cursed the mis- taken mercy that had spared his head. At last Aurelia is in serious perplexity as to what she ought to do. She still loves her Breckinridge, she writes, with true womanly feeling — she still loves what is left of him, but her parents are bitterly opposed to the match, because he has no property and is disabled from working, and she has not sufficient means to support both comfort- ably. "Now what should she do?" she asks with painful and anxious solicitude. It is a delicate question; it is one which involves the lifelong happiness of a woman, and that of nearly two- thirds of a man, and I feel that it would be assuming too great a responsibility to do more than make a mere sug- gestion in the case. How would it do to build to him ! If Aurelia can afford the expense, let her furnish her mu- tilated lover with wooden arms and wooden legs, and a glass eye and a wig, and give him another show ; give him ninety days, without grace, and if he does not break his neck in the meantime, marry him and take the chances. It does not seem to mo that there is much risk, any way, Amelia, because if ho sticks to his infernal propensity for damaging himself every time ho sees a good opportunity, next experiment is bound to finish him, and then you are all right, you know, married or Bingle. If married, tlio wooden legs and such other valuables as ho may possess »rt to the widow, and you see you sustain no actual loss save the i I fragment of a noble but unfortunate husband, who bom rove to do right, but whoso ex- traordinary instiii' gainst him. Try it, Maria I I have thought the matter over carefully and well, and it is the only chance I hoc for you. It would have been a 163 MRS. BROWN ON MODERN HOUSES. happy conceit on the part of Caruthers if he had started •with his neck and broken that first ; but since he has seej fit to choose a different policy, and string himself out as long as possible, I do not think we ought to upbraid him for it if he has enjoyed it. We must do the best we can under the circumstances, and try not to feel exasperated at him. MRS. BROWN ON MODERN HOUSES. ARTHUR 8KETCITLEY. Houses, indeed ! I calls 'em reg'lar ram-shackle nut- shells, run-up rubbish, where you can't drive a nail with safety, nor hang up a picter with comfort. Certainly they was elegant outside, with their white fronts and 'andsoine windows to look at ; but I never see such glass to look through, as made things seem that drawed out as you didn't know the postman from the pot- boy. As to anythin' a-fittin', there wasn't a window-frame as didn't shake like earthquakes with me only a-walkin' across the room ; and as to the Butlers, as lives next door but three, they give a evenin' party as brought the floor in. They invited me and Brown, as didn't wish for to go, bein' one as don't hold with no goin's out through a-takin of his pipe quiet in the front kitcheu, as is a pretty room, bein' meant for a sittin'-room ; not as ever I fancied it, bavin' a mouldy smell, and bein' frequent overflowed in the spring tides. Why ever they calls 'em spring I can't think, for we was very near floated out twice the week afore last, and No- vember no one can't call spring. I'm sure the shock as that Mrs. Giddius give me I never shall forget, as is a wrong-headed woman as ever I had in my house, though I will say clean and honest. It was the day after that gal left us I'd give warnin' to, MRS. BROWX OX MODEltX HOUSES. 1G9 through her a-sayin' as she'd rather starve than eat cold mutton, as was good enough for me. So I had Mrs. Giddius in for half-a-day to tidy up the place ready for the young woman as was a-comin' that eveniu'. When I come down after puttiu' on my cap for tea, I says to her: "Mrs. Giddius, I want you to go up into the lumber room," as is over my bed-room, a sort o' a cupboard in the slant of the roof, as I'd put away some boxes in, " and pull me out a black portniauty, as I wanted to get soraethin' out on." Up she goes, all of a bustle. I says, "Tread light," through a-knowin' as there wasn't no floor but lath and plasters to that cupboard. "All right," .^ays she. So I hearin' her a rummagin' and a pullin' the things about, calls out, " Can't you find it ?" She says, " If you'd come and hold the candle I could get it out," as was jammed and crammed tight in the corner. Up I goes and takes the candle, and there we was a- Standin' in that cupboard as is nothin' but beams. I was Btandin' on a beam, and Mrs. Giddins in front on me, ;t-haulin' at that portmanty like mad. Well, she gives it a pull with all her force, as made it come out all of a sudden like. The jerk as she give it throwed her back agin me, as tipped mo oil' the beam onto the lath and plaster, and through I goes with that crash as made mo think tho house was all about, our ears. I truggles natural, aa any ono would, and, ketchin' hold of Mis. Ciddins, pulls her through too. Well, then; we was through the ceilin', with our legs a-danglin' in my bed-room, and thai caughl as we couldn't up, Mrs. Giddins a-screamin' like wild as she was murdered, with tin' candle knocked out, and we might have been there tin now, only as luck would have it, Brown came in earlier than I expected. But, law bli you, Ik; could do notion' for ever so long lor laughin', and 1/0 FAIiM-YAKD SONG. when he did draw us up, if he didn't say Mrs. Giddins were an old fuol, and me another, for not knowiu' better than to tread on lath and plaster, as is a downright disgrace for fioorin'. FARM-YAKD SONG. J. T. TBOWBKIDOE. Over the hill the farm-hoy goes, His shadow lengthens along the land, A giant staff in a giant hand ; In the poplar tree, ahove the spring, The katydid hegins to sing : The early dews are falling. Into the stone-heap darts the mink ; The swallows skim the river's hrink ; And home to the woodland fly the crows, When over the hill the fann-hoy goes, Cheerily calling — " Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co' ! co' \" Farther, farther over the hill, Faintly calling, calling still — - "Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co' !" Into the yard the farmer goes, With grateful heart, at the close of day : Harness and chain are hung away ; In the wagon-shed stand yoke and plow; The straw's in the stack, the hay in the mew, The cooling dews are falling. The friendly sheep his welcome bleat, The pigs come grunting to his feet, And the whinnying mare her master knows, . "When into the yard the fanner goes, His cattle calling — " Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co' ! co' !" While still the cow-boy, far away, Goes seeking those that have gone astray — " Co', boss ! co', boss ! co' ! co !" murphy's mystery of the pork-barrel. 171 Xow to her task the milkmaid goes, The cattle come crowding through the gate, Lowing, pushing, little and great ; About the trough, by the farm-yard pump, The frolicksome yearlings frisk and jump, "While the pleasant dews are falling; The new milch heifer is quick and shy, But the old cow waits with tranquil eye ; And the white stream into the bright pail flows, When to her task the milkmaid goes, Soothingly calling, — "So, boss! so. boss! so! so! so!" The cheerful milkmaid takes her stool, And sits and milks in the twilight cool, Saying, " So, so, boss! so ! so !" To supper at last the farmer goes, The apples are pared, the paper read, The stories are told, then all to bed. Without, the crickets' ceaseless song Makes shrill the silence all night long; The heavy dews are falling. The housewife's hand has turned the lock, Dn.wsily ticks the kitchen clock ; The household sinks to deep repose, But still in sleep the farm-boy goes, Singing, calling— "Co', bo !" oo', boss! co' ! co' ! coM" And oft the milkmaid, in her dreams, Drums in tin- pail with the Bashing streams, MurmuruK 1 -, "So, boss! so !" MURPHY'S MYSTERY OF THE PORK-BARREL. ANONTMOIH. "Murphy, what's the meaning of mystery? Faith. I was reading tin: paper, ami it said 'twas a mystery how it done." " Weil," said Murphy, " Pat, I'll tache ye. Ye see, when it 172 THE PRAYER-SEEKER. I lived with my father, a little gossoon, they gave rue a parthy, and me mother wint to market to buy somethin' for the parthy to ate, and among the lot of things she hot a half-barrel of pork, ye see. Well, she put it down in the cellar, bless her sow], for safe keeping, till the parthy come on, do ye see. Well, when the parthy come on, me mother sint me down to the cellar to get some of the pork, do ye see ; well, I wint down to the barrel and opened it, and fished about, but not a bit of pork could I find ; so I looked arouud the barrel to see where the pork was, and found a rat-hole in the bottom of the barrel, where the pork had all runout and left the brine standing, do ye see." " Hould on, Murphy ! wait a bit ; now tell me how could all the pork get out ov the barrel, and lave the brine standing?" "Well, Pat," said Murphy, "that's what I'd like to know myself, do you see ; there's the mystery." THE PRAYER-SEEKER. JOHN O. WHITTIER. Along the aisle where prayer was made, A woman, all in black arrayed, -^ Close veiled, between the kneeling host, "With gliding motion of a ghost, Passed to the desk and laid thereon A scroll which bore these words alone Pray for me ! Back from the placo of worshiping She glided like a guilty thing; The rustle of her draperies, stirred By hurrying feet, alone was heard ; "While, full of awe, the preacher read, As out into the dark she sped — " Pray for me \" Back to the night from whence she came, To unimagiued grief or shame ! THE PRATER-SEEKER. 173 Across the threshold of that door None knew the burden that she bore ; Alone she left the written scroll, The legend of a troubled soul- Tray for rue ! Glide on, poor ghost of woe or sin ! Thou leav'st a common need within ; Each bears, like thee, some nameless weight, Some misery inarticulate, Some secret sin, some shrouded dread, Some household sorrow all unsaid — Pray for us ! Pass on ! The typo of all thou art, Sad witness to the common heart ! With face in veil, and seal on lip. In mute and strange companionship, Like thee we wander to and fro, Dumbly imploring as wo go- Pray for us ! All, who shall pray? sinco ho who pleads Our want perchance hath greater needs ! Yet they who make their loss the gain Of others, shall not ask in vain, And Heaven bends low to hear the prayei Of love from lios of self-despair — Pray for us ! In vain remorse and fear and hate Beat with brnisei hands against a fate Whose walls of iron only move And open to the touch of love \ He only feels his burdens fall, Who, taught by suffering, pities all— Pray for us ! He prayeth best who leaves nnguessed The niv teries of another'.-; breast — 1/4 AN EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON. Why cheeks grow pale, why eyes o'erflow, Or heads are white, thou need'st not know. Enough to note hy many a sign That every heart hath needs like thine — Pray for us ! AN EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON. ANONYMOUS. It was on a moonlight night that Pennypacker, while walking by the riverside at Norristown, came across Jones standing on the bank, in a condition of intoxication, gazing stupidly into the water. When Jones saw Pennypacker he said to him : " Mizzer Bennyback'r, 'm very glad you've come. I've been stan'in' here c'nsiderin' a moz extraordinary ph'nom'- non." " What is it, Jones ?" " Moz extr'ordinary ph'nom'non th't ever came under my obzervation, Mr. Benny backer — the moz extr'ordinary." " What is the nature of the phenomenon, Mr. Jones ?" " I zay, Mizzer Bennybacker, id'nez very way extr'ordi- nary. D'you obzerve that V Then Jones gazed and pointed into the water, putting his head on one side and then on the other. Then he would draw back, as if to get the phenomenon in a new light, and finally he doubled up both fists and attempted to look through them, and all the time he kept mutter- ing to himself : "Very 'stonishing zircumstance altogether. Moz re- mark'ble freak ov nature idz ever bin my lod t'p'zerve. Can't cound for id upon any theory whadever." "Well, Mr. Jones, what is it that surprises you ?" " Mizzer Bennybacker, cas' y'r eye down there. D' you 'pzerve any thin' of a 'strordinary nature?" THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS. 175 "No, Jones, nothing ; there is nothing unusual there that I can see." "Thadz moz extr'ordinary zirgmnstanz ov all. Don' you perzeive the moon down there, Mizzer Bennybacker?" said Jones, pointing to the water. " Certainly I do." " Well, Mizzer Bennybacker, dozzen it strige you as moz incompre'ns'ble ph'nom'non, now '?" " Of course not." "Well, Mizzer Bennybacker, you may be drunk ur you may be zober, but in all my 'xperienze I never before found m'zelf vorty thousan' miles 'hove the moon. Id's an incompressible zirgumstanz, Mizzer Bennybacker, how you an' I sh'd uv god up here an' the moon down there without our being 'ware oFthe fagd, when I'm perfectly am I'm not stan'nin on my head." Then Pennypacker led Jones calmly homo and put him to bed, and he slept off his surprise at the extraordinary phenomenon. THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS. MAX ADF.LRR. When Mr. Bangs, the elder, returned from Europe, ho brought with him from Geneva, a miniature musical-box, long and very narrow, and altogether of hardly greater dimensions, say, than a large pocket-knife. The instru- ment played four cheerful little tunes, for the benefit of the B family, ami they enjoyed it very much. Xoung William Bangs enjoyed it to such an extent that one day, after the machine had been wound up ready for action, he gol to racking the end of it, and in a moment of inad- vertence it slipped, and he swallowed the whole concern. The only immediate en:: equence of the action was that a harmonic stomach-ache was at once organized upon the interior of William Bangs, and he experienced a restlei J/U THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS. ness which he well knew would defy the soothing tenden- cies of peppermint, and make a mockery of paregoric. And William Bangs kept his secret in his own soul and in his stomach, also determined to hide his misery from his father, and to spare the rod to the spoiled child — spoiled, at any rate, as far as his digestive apparatus was concerned. But that evening, at the supper table, W. Bangs had eaten but one mouthful of bread, when strains of wild, mys- terious music were suddenly wafted from under the table. The entire family immediately groped around upon the floor, trying to discover whence the sounds came, although "William Bangs sat there filled with agony and remorse and bread and tunes, and desperately asserted his belief that the music came from Mary Ann, who might perhaps be playing upon the harp or the dulcimer in the cellar. He well knew that Mary Ann was unfamiliar with the harp, and that to her the dulcimer was as much an insolvable problem as it would have been to a fishing-worm. But he was frantic with anxiety to hide his guilt. Thus it is that one crime leads to another. But he could not disguise the truth forever, and that very night, while the family was at prayers, William Bangs all at once got the hiccups, and the music-box started off without warning, with "A Life on the Ocean Wave, and a Home on the Rolling Deep," with variations. Whereupon the paternal Bangs arose from his knees and grasped William kindly but firmly by his hair and shook him up, and inquired what he meant by such conduct. And Wil- liam threw out a kind of a general idea to the effect that he was practicing something for a Sunday-school celebra- tion, which old Bangs intimated was a singularly thin explanation. Then they tried to get up that music-box, and every time they would seize young William by the legs and shake him over the sofa-cushion, or would pour some fresh vari- THE CASE OF YOUNG BANGS. 177 ety of emetic down bis throat, the harmonium within would give some fresh spurt, and joyously grind out " Lis- ten to the Mocking Bird," or "Thou'lt Never Cease to Love." So they abandoned the attempt, and were compelled to permit that musical-box to remain within tbe sepulchral recesses of the epigastrium of William Bangs. To say tbat tbe unfortunate victim of the disaster was made miserable by bis condition., would be to express in tbe feeblest man- ner tbe state of his mind. Tbe more music there was in his stomach, tho wilder and more chaotic became the dis- cord in his soul. Just as likely as not it would occur that while he lay asleep in bed in tbe middle of the night, tbe melody-works within would begin to revolve, and would play " Home, Sweet Home," for two or three hours, unless the peg happened to slip, when the cylinder would switch back again to "-A Life on the Ocean Wave, and a Home on the Boiling Deep," and would rattle out tbat tune with va- riations and fragments of the scales, until William Bangs' brother would kick him out of bed in wild despair, and sit on him in a wild effort to subdue the serenade, which, however, invariably proceeded with fresh vigor when sub- jected to unusual pressure. And when William Bangs went to church it frequently occurred that, in the very midst of the most solemn portion of the sermon, be would feel a gentle disturbance under tho lowest button of bis jacket, and presently, when everything was bushed, the undigested engine would give a prelimi- nary buzz, and then reed off " Listen to the Mocking Bird," and " Thou'lt Never Cease to Love," and scales and exer- ea, until the clergyman would stop and glare at William , and whisper to one of tbe deacons. Then the sexton would suddenly tack up the aisle and clutch the unhappy Mr. Bangs by the collar, and scud down the aisle again to tbe accompaniment of " A Life on the Ocean Wave, and a Homo on tho Rolling Deep." J 78 A MULE EIDE IN FLORIDA. But the end came at last, and the miserable offspring of the senior Bangs found peace. One day, while he was sit- ting in school, endeavoring to learn his multiplication table to the tune of " Home, Sweet Home," his gastric juice tri- umphed. Something or other in the music-box gave way all at once, the springs were unrolled with alarming force, and William Bangs, as he felt the fragments of the instru- ment hurled right through and among his vitals, tumbled over on the floor and expired. At the post-mortem examination they found several pieces of " Home, Sweet Home " in his liver, while one of his lungs was severely torn by a fragment of " A Life on the Ocean Wave." Small pieces of " Listen to the Mocking Bird" were re- moved from his heart and breast-bone, and three brass pegs of "Thou'lt Never Cease to Love" were fouud firmly driven into his fifth rib. They had no music at the funeral. They lifted the ma- chinery out of him, and buried him quietly in the cemetery. Whenever the Bangses buy musical boxes now, they get them as large as a piano, and chain them to the wall. A MULE RIDE IN FLORIDA. ANOKYMOUB. The boys insisted that I needed relaxation. My health required it. I had a pretty fair article of health, I thought, enough to last me as long as I lived. But I must accumu- late a stock for future use. The south was the place to get it. And riding was healthy. The sand is too deep to ride, except on horseback, and so I thought I would take a ride. I applied to the livery man for a horse. He had one. He looked sorrowfully at me, as though he pitied me. Did I ever ride a mule ? I never had. He had as good riding horses as were ever saddled, but if I wanted a " Rock Me to A MULE RIDE IN FLORIDA. 179 Sleep, Mother" style of a ride, I would tako a mulo. I don't consider myself a first-class judge of mules. I had some vague notions in regard to them ; supposed they would do a large amount of work with a very little feed, and were immortal. I had read of one being driven over the same route by the same boy, for eighty-seven years, and he was a youug mule yet. 13riug forth the mule. The mule was brought. He was a meek l- inn-Rnnm, containing an Extensive and Miscellaneous Collection of Conjur- ing and Legerdemain; Sleights -with Dice, Dominoes, Cards, Ribbons, Rings, Fruit, Coin, Balls, Handkerchiefs, etc., all of which may be per- formed in the Parlor or Drawing- Room, without the aid of any apparatus ; also embracing a choice variety of Curious Deceptions, which may be per- formed with the aid of simple apparatus ; the whole illustrated and clearly explained with 121 engravings. Paper Covers. Price _ 30cts, Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 cts. Book of Riddles and Five Hundred Home Amusements- Containing a Choice and Curious Collection of Riddles, Charades, Enigma*, Rebuses, Anagrams, Transpositions, Conundrums, Amusing Puzzles, Uueei Sleights, Recreations in Arithmetic, Fireside Games and Natural Magic, embracing Entertaining Amusements in Magnetism, Chemistry, Second Sight and Simple Recreations in Science for Family and Social Pastime, il- lustrated with sixty Engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. Book of Fireside Games. Containing an Explanation of the most Entertaining Games suited to the Family Circle as a Recreation, such as Games of Action, Games which merely require attention, Games which require memory, Catch Games, which have for their objects Tricks or Mysti- fication, Games in which art opportunity is afforded to display Gallantry, "Wit, or some slight knowledge of certain Sciences, Amusing Forieits, Fire- BideGames for Winter Eveuiag Amusement, etc. Paper covers. Pricn 30 cts- Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. Parlor Theatricals ; or, Winter Evenings' Entertainment. Con- taining Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Charades, or Draw- ing-Room Pantomimes, Musical Burlesques, Tableaux Vivants, etc.; with Instructions tor Amateurs ; how to Construct a Stage and Curtain ; how to get up Costumes and Properties; on the "Making up" of Characters; Exits and Entrances; how to arrange Tableaux, etc. Illustrated with Engravings. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. The Book of 500 Curious Puzzles. Containing a large col- lection of entertaining Paradoxes, Perplexing Deceptions in numbers, and .Amushv* Tricks in Geometrv. By the author ot "The Sociable," ' The Se- cret Out" " The Magician's Own Book." Illustrated with a great variety of Engravings. This book commands a laree sale. It will furnish fun and nmnscment for a whole winter. Paper covers. Price , -30 ctP Bound iu boards, with cloth back 50 cts. The above five books are compiled from the " Sociable " and " Magician's Own." The American Boys' Eook of Sports and Games. A Reposi- tory of In and Out-Door Amusements for Boys and Youth. Illustrated •with nearly 700 entrraviugs, designed by White, Hemck, Weir and Harvey, and engraved by N. Orr. This is, unquestionably, the most attractive and valuable book of its kind ever issued in this or any other country. It hat been three years in preparation, and embraces all the sports and games that tend to develop the physical constitution, improve the mind and heart, and Telieve the tedium of leisure hours, both in the parlor and the field. The Eni'Tavings are all in the finest style of art, and embrace eight full-page ornamental titles, illustrating the several departments of the work, beauti- fully printed on tinted paper. The book is issued in the best style.bcing printed on fine sized paper, and handsomely bound. Extra cloth, gilt side and back, extra gold. Price $3 50 Extra cloth, full gilt edge's, back and side $4 CJ Pcyular Bcoks sent Tree of Postage at file Ptlc*£ uuu.jxei •*•■ ■ ■ * ■ — — — ~ — ~ "■ ■ ~ ■ ' *" Howard's Book of Conundrums and Riddles. Containing over 1.400 Witty Conundrums, Queer Kiddies, Perplexing Puzzles. Ingen. iotu Enigmas, (Jlever Charades, Curious Catches, and Amusing Sells, origin inal and newly dressed. This splendid collection oi' curious paradoxei will afford the material for a never-ending feast of fun and amusement Any person, with the assistance of this book, may take the lead in enter- taining a company and keeping them in roars of laughter for hours to- gether. It is an invaluable companion for a Pic-nic, or Summer Excursion •f any kind, and is just the thing to make a fireside circle merry on a long winter's eveuing. There is not a poorriddle in the book, the majority bein^ trash and of the highest order. Paper cover, price 30 cts- Bound in boards, cloth back, price 50 cts- Frost's Book of Tableaux and Shadow Pantomimes. Containing a choice collection of Tableaux or Living Pictures, embracing Moving Tableaux, Mother Goose Tableaux, Fairy Tale Tableaux, Charade and Pro\erb Tableaux ; together with directions for arranging the stage eoatuming the characters, and forming appropriate groups. By Miss S. Annie Frost. To which id added a number of Shadow Acts and Panto- mimes, with complete stage instructions. 180 pages, paper cover.. .30 cts- Bound ia boards, cloth back 50 c\a tang'hin^ Gas. An Encyclopaedia of Wit, "Wisdom, and Wind. Py Pani Slick, Jr. Comically illustrated with 100 original an., laughable Engravings, and nearly 500 side-extending Jokes, an 1 oth. - thin • iat on ; and the best thir-T ^ ° it is, that everything about th bonk is new and fresh— all new— new uDsigns, new stories, new type— n< comic almanac stuff. Price 25 CtS- Tue Egyptian Dream Book and Fortune-Teller. Con- taining an Alphabetical List of iJreams, ana numerous methods of Telling Fortunes, including the celebrated Oraculum of Napoleon Bonaparte, il- lustrated wtfh explanatory diagrams. l(imo, boards, cloth back. Price 40 Cts Ned Turner's Black Jokes. A collection of Funny Stories, Joke ., :,i. i ( kmnndrums, interspersed with Witty Sayings an i Hnmoroui Dialog : As given by Ned Turner, the Celebrated Ethiopian Delinestol and Lquestriau Clown. Price 10 Cta Book of 1,000 Tales and Amusing' Adventures. Con- taiiiing over 300 Engravings, and 450 pages. This i;; a magnificent bonk, and is examined 1 uil of narratives and adventures. Fsiue §1 50 The Game Of Whist. Kules, Directions, and Maxims to bt. q in playing it. Containing, also, Primary Rules for Beginners, Explanations na for Old Players, and the Laws of tlwe Game. Compiled Crom Hoyle and Matthews, Price 12 CtS. ID.000 Wonderful Things. Comprising the Marvellous ixious, Uuaint, , and Extraordinary, in all Ages ; tM ., . ,,', Ar'. Nature, and Bcii nee, including many Wonders oi &• World, enriched with hundreds of authentic illustrations. lGmo, clot t . gilt -nd'n sad back. Prios • $1 5" tied Turner's Clown Joke Book. umMining tno host Joko» and C}«ifii ..f Wit. eompossd SO I delivered l>y tun favortto K'| rier' a New and Improved Edition, containing Mr. Barev's whole Secret n\ Subduing and Breaking Viciou Hoi . together witn hie Improved plan ,,i m Colt thi m to the Saddle, 'bo Harness and the Hulky, with Bull to d Horse, foi Feeding II Also, Tnr. Complkti Pabbibr; or, H Doctor; a Guide a tnii nt of Uoi •< - in all Disi asi to which that nobli animal la liable, beic ull ol Bfty ri n ' extensive practice of thi author, ji,n-. i i , during his life an English Farrier ol high pooularity, ovarii in tie: Cure ol Spavin. Ulustiateil will) Bound in boardu, cloth back. Price '•• >•' &•• ct« Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexe! Book Of Household Pets. Containing valuable instructions about the Diseases, Breeding, Training and Management of the Canary, Mocking Bird, Brown Thrush, or Thrasher, and other birds, and the rearing and management of all kinds of Pigeons and Fancy Poultry, Babbits, Squir- rels, Guinea Pig», White Mice, and Dogs ; together with a Comprehensive Treatise on the Principle and Management of the Salt and Fresh Water Aquarium. Illustrated with 123 tine wood-cuts. Bound in boards. Price 50 c tg. Bound in cloth, gilt side -"..75 cts. Athletic Sports for Boys. A Repository of Graceful Re- creations for Youth, containing clear and complete instructions in Gymnas- tics, Limb Exercises Jumping, Pole Leaping, Dumb Bells, Indian Clubs, Parallel Cars, the Horizontal Bar, the Trapeze, the Suspended Ropes, Skat- ing, Swimming, Bowing, Sailing, Horsemanship, Hiding, Driving, Angling, Fencing and Broadsword. The whole splendidly illustrated with 194 una wood-cuts and diagrams. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Trice 75 ctg. Bound in cloth, gilt side gl qq The Play -Ground ; or, Out-Door Games for Boys. A Book of Healthy Recreations for Youth, containing over a hundred Amusements, including Games of Activity pud Speed ; Games with Toys, Marbles, Tops, Hoops, Kites. Archery, Balls ; with Cricket, Croquet and Base-Ball. Illus- trated with 124 wood-cuts. Bound in boards. Price 50 cts- Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 Cts. The above three books are abridged from the " American Boy's Book of Bports and Games." The Young Reporter ; or, Erne io Write Short-Hand. A com- plete Phonographic Teacher, intended to afford thorough instruction to those who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. By the aid of thia fjrk, any person of the most ordinary intelligence may learn to write Short- and, and Report Speeches and Sermons in a short time. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 cts. Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Dialogues. Containiug a variety of Comic Recitations in Prose and Poetry, Amusing Dialogues, Burlesque Scenes, Eccentric Orations and Stump Speeches. Hu- morous Interludes and Laughable Farces. Designed for School Commence- Tnents and Amatevr Theatricals. Edited by Jerome Barton. This is the best collection of Humorous pieces, especially adapted to the parlor stage, that has ever been published. Illuminated paper cover. Price 30 cts- Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts. The Secret Out ; or, One TJiousand Tricks with Cards, and ether Recreations. Illustrated with over Three Hundred Engravings. A book which explains all the Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever known, and gives, besides, a great many new ones — the whole being de- scribed so carefully, with engravings to illustrate them, that anybody can easily learn how 1*> perform them. This work also contains 240 of the best Tricks in Legerdemain, in addition to the card tricks. 12mo., 400 pages bound in cloth, with gilt side and back. Price $1 5d The American Card Player. Containing: clear and compre- hetiji ve directions for piayinsj the games of Euchre, Whiat, Bezique, All Fours French Fours. Cribnage, Cassino, Straight and Draw Poker, Whisky Poker and Commercial Pitch, tosether with all the laws of those Games. 150 pases, bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 etS. Bound, in ckitb #ilt sidb 75 CM Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexea. The Young Debater and Chairman's Assistant. Contain- ing instructions how to form and conduct Societies, Clubs and other organ ized associations. Also, full Kules of Order for the government of theii Business and Debates ; together with complete directions How to Composb Resolutions, Reports and Petitions ; and the best way to manage Publio Meetings, Celebrations, Dinners and Pic-.Nies. Also instructions in Elocu- tion, with hints on Debate. This book is compiled from our larger work entitled "The Finger Post to Public Business." To any one who desire* to become familiar with the duties of an Officer or Committee-man in c Society or Association, this work will be lavaluable, as it contains niinuU instructions in everything that pertains to the routine of Society Business 152 pages. Paper cover, price 30 cts Bound in boards, with cloth back, price. 50 eta Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society. Acou-i densed but thorough treatise on Etiquette and its nsages in America. Containing plain and reliable directions for deportment on the following subjects: Letters of Introduction, Salutes and Salutations, Calls, Conver- sations, Invitations, Dinner Company, Balls, Morning and Evening Par' ties, Visiting, Street Etiquette, Riding and Driving, Travelling ; Etiquette in Church, Etiquette for Places of Amusement ; Servants, Hotel Etiquette; Etiquette in Weddings, Baptisms, and Funerals; Etiquette with Children, and at the Card-Table ; Visiting Cards, Letter- Writing, the Lady's Toilet, the Gentleman's Toilet ; besides one hundred unclassified laws applicable to all occasions. Paper cover, price 30 ctl. Bound in boards, with cloth back, price 50 Cta How to Cook Potatoes, Apples, Eggs and Fish, Four Hun- dred Different Ways. The matter embraced in this work consists of th« combined contents of four little books which have obtained immense popu- laritv in France and England, and which have been thoroughly revised and adapted for American housekeepers by an American cook of gTeat experi- ence. The work especially recommends itself to those who are otteu em- barrassed for want of variety in dishes suitable for the breakfast table or, on occasions where the necessity arises for preparing a meal at short notice. Paper covers, price 30 Cts. Uoundin boards, with cloth back, price 50 Cts. Uncle Josh's Trunk-Full of Fun. A portfolio of first-class Wit and Humor, and never-ending source of Jollity, Containing the rich. ait collection of Comical Stories, Cruel Bells, Side-splitting Jokes, Humorous Poetry, Quaint Parodies, Burlesque Sermons, New Conundrums and Mirth Provoking Speeches ever published. Interspersed with Curious Puzzles, Amusing Card Tricks, and Feats Of Parlor Magic. Illustrated with nearly 200 Funny Engravings. This l«>.k embrace! three hundred and seventy-eight receipts for cooking all sorts of American dishes in the mod economical manner, and, besid.-s these, it also con) tins a great variety ol important secrets for wash * ing, cleansing, scouring, and extracting grease, paints, stains and iron- om cloth, muslin and lim u. nid in ornamental paper covers, pries 30 cta with cloth back, prl e 50 cts. How to Cook and How to Carve. Giving plain and i aaQy ood directions for preparii >king, with the greatest i conomr, every kind oi dish, with complete Instructions for serving the same. 'I lua for ii young Hous ekee per, it explains everything i^out the art of Cooking. It is worth a dosen of expensm, French books. I'll; SO CtS- bound m boards, wituuioiu back, pries •• 50 cts. Popular Books sent Free of PoEtage at the Prices annexed. Duncan's Masonic Ritual and Monitor; or, Guide to the Three Symbolic Degrees of the Ancient Fork Rite, Entered Apprentice, Fellow Craft, and Master Mason. And to the Degrees of Mark Master, Past Mas« ter," Most Excellent Master, and the Royal Arch. By Malcom C. Duncan. Explained and Interpreted by copious Notes and numerous Engravings. It is not so much the design of the author to gratify the curiosity of the uninitiated, as to furnish a Guide to the Younger Members of the Order, by means of which their progress from j.ade to grade may be facilitated. It is a well-known fact that comparativel/tewof the fraternity are "Bright Masons," but with the aid ot this invaluable Masonic Companion any Ma- son can, in a short time, become qualified to take the Chair as Master of a Lodge. Nothing is omitted in it that may tend to impart a full under* standing of the principles of Masonry. This is a valuable book for the Fraternity, containing, as it does, the Modern " Work " of the order. No Mason should be without it. It is entirely different from any other Ma- sonic book heretofore published. Bound in cloth. Price $2 50 Leather tucks (Pocket-book Style), with gilt edges. Price 3 00 ' Trumps' " American Hoyle ; or, Gentleman's Hand-book of Games. Containing clear and complete descriptions of all the Games played in the United States, with the American Rules for playing them ; including Whist, Euchre, Bezique, Cribbage, All- Fours, Loo, Poker, Brag, Piquet, Ecarte, Boston, Cassino, Chess, Checkers, Backgammon, Dominoes, Bil- liards, and a hundred other Games. This work is designed to be an Ameri- can authority in all games of skill and chance, and will settle any disputed point. It has been prepared with great care by the editor, with the assist- ance of a number of gentlemen players of skill and ability, and is not a re-hash of English Games, but a live American book, expressly prepared for American readers. The American Hoyle contains 525 pages, is printed on fine white paper, bound in cloth, with beveled boards, and is profusely illustrated with engravings explaining the different Games. Price $2 00 Brisbane's Golden Ready Reckoner. Calculated in Dollars and Cents, being a useful Assistant to Traders in buying and selling vari- cus commodities^ either wholesale or retail, showing at once the amount of value of any number of articles, or quantity of goods, or any merchandise, either by the gallon, quart, pint, ounce, pound, quarter, hundred, yard, foot, inch, bushel, etc., in an easy and plain manner. To which are added Interest Tables, calculated in dollars and cents, for days and for months, aC six per cent, and at seven per cent, per annum, alternately ; and a great number of other Tables and Rules for calculation never before in print. l'y William D. Brisbane, A. M., Accountant, Book-keeper, etc. Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 35 Cts. The Art Of Conversation. With remarks on Fashion and Address. By Mks. Mabekly. This is the best book on the subject ever published. It contains nothing that is verbose or difficult to understand, but all the instructions and rules for conversation are given in a plain and common-sense manner, so that any one, however dull, can easily compre- hend them. 64 pages octavo, large. Price 25 cts. Live and Learn. A Guide for all who wish to Speak and Write correctly. Containing examples of one thousand mistakes of daily occurrence, in speaking, writing and pronunciation. 216 pages, cloth, small octavo. Price 75 Cts- (Sirs. Crowen's American Lady's Cookery Book. Contain- ing over 1,200 original receipts for preparing and cooking all kinds of dishes. The most popular Cook Book ever published. 12mo., cloth, 474 pages , • £? 00 Popular Booka sent Free of Postage at tlie Frices Annexed. One Hundred and Thirty Comic Dialogues and Recitations. Being Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Dialogues, and Spencer's Comic Speeches and Dialogues, combined in one volume. This capital book contains an endless variety of Comic Speeches, Humorous Scenes, Amusing Burlesques, and Diverting Dialogues. It embraces French, Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and Yankee Stories, and from its fruitful pages may be selected enough fun to make any entertainment or exhibition a success. Bound in cloth. Price $1 SO Burlesque and Musical Acting Charades. By Edmund d Nugent. Containing ten Charades, all in different styles, two of which are easy and. effective Comic Parlor Operas, with Music and Fianoiorte Accom- paniments. These Plays require no scenery, and the dialogue is short, wit- ty, and easy to learn. To each Charade will be found an introductory note, containing "hints for its performance. Paper cover. Price 30 cts. Bound in board:;, cloth back 50 cts 9 Twenty-Six Short and Amusing Plays for Private Theatri- cals. Being Howard's Drawing-room Theatricals, and Hudson's Private Theatricals, combined in one volume. This book, as the title implies, con- tains twenty-six of the best plays that can be selected for a private theatri- cal entertainment. It contains several amusing plays for one sex only, and is thus adapted for the army, navy, and male or i male t'oiirdinp-schooia. It contains plain directions for getting up a good amateur performance. Bound in cloth. Price $1 50 Frost's School and Exhibition Dialogues. Comprising 'a Humorous Exhibition Dialogues, and Frost's Dialogues for Young Folks, combined in one volume. By getting this excellent book, the diffi- culty in procuring a good dialogue for a school exhibition will be entirely overcome. It contains sixty-one good dialogm-s of every shade and variety, and from its wcll-sioivd j.au'rs, may be selected enough original matter to ensure the success of a score of entertainments. Bound in cloth. Price $1 5U Snipsnaps and Snickerings of Simon Snodgrass. A Collec- tion of Droll and Laughable Stories. These funny and amusing stories: aro Illustrative of Irish Drolleries and Blarney, Ludicrous Dutch Blunders, i Yankee Tricks and Dodges, Southern Fire-Eating Braggadocio, Bombs tot Buekerdom, Backwoods Boasting, Humors of Horse-trading, i Comicalities, Perilous Pranks of Fighting Mi n, Frenchmen's Queer h Shrewdness, and other phases of eccentric character that go to make up a perfect and complete Medley of Wit and Humor. It is really and truly the - colki a of Lively, Laughable and Ludicrous Yarns ever pi le volume. Tnere'is not a dull ... i .( sure 'iia) it will give the most ample satisfaction, it is also full of funny engravings. Price !£5 cts. The Strange and "Wonderful Adventures of Bachelor But- t/jrfly. Showing h iw his passion tor Natural Elistorj completely eradioat- ii tender passion implant detailing his Extraor- ry Travels, both by sea and land— bis B klrbreadth Bscapi from fire and come over by a Widow with nini small children his won- iir<-« with the Doctor and thi I IdleT his being Swallowed hfterwardsi i his friend — -hi capture by Al- ncarlytoDi ith, and then 1 ' I LUvi : adurance ol them and other Perilsol a most extraordinary nature. The whole illustmtfld by about 200 engravings, This booku ■«1 on fine jilm ttii neatest manner, and Is th< oheapi SO ( (•• Popular Boobs sent Free of Postage at tho Prices annexed. The Book of 1,000 Comical Stories ; or, Endless Repast, of Fun. A rich banquet for every day in the year, with several courses and a dessert. BILL OF FARE : Comprising Tales of Humor, Laughable An- ecdotes, Irresistible Drolleries, Jovial Jokes, Comical Conceits, Puns and Tickings, Quibbles and Queries, lion Mots and Broadgrins, Oddities, Epi- grams, etc. Appropriately Illustrated with 300 Comic Engravings. By the author of " Mrs. Partington's Carpet-bag of Fun." Large 12mo., cloth. Price $1 5G Kirs. Partington's Carpet-bag- of Fun. A collection of over one thousand of the most Cornier! Stories, Amusing Adventures, Hide- splitting Jokes, Cheek-extending Poetry, Funnv Conundrums, QUEER SAYINGS OF MRS. PARTINGTON, Heart-rending Puns, Witty Repar- tees, etc. The whole illustrated by about 150 comic wood-cuts. 12mo., 300 pages, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25 Ornamented paper covers 75 cts. How to Behave ; or, The Spirit of Etiquette. A Complete Guide to Polite Society, for Ladies and Gentlemen ; containing rules lot good behavior at the dinner table, in the parlor, and in the street ; with important hints on introduction, conversation, etc. Price 12 Cts. Dr. Valentine's Comic Metamorphoses. Being the second series of Dr. Valentine's Lectures, with Characters, as given by the late Yankee Hill. Embellished- with numerous portraits. Ornamental paper cover. Price 75 Cts. Cloth, gilt $i 25 Broad Grins of the Laughing- Philosopher, Being a Col- lection of Funny Jokes, Droll Incidents, and Ludicrous pictures. By Pickle the Younger. This book is really a good one. It is full of tha drollest incidents imaginable, interspersed with good jokes, quaint sayings, and funny pictures. Price 13 cts. The Knapsack Full of Fun ; or, One Thousand Ration* of Laughter. Illustrated with over 500 comical Engravings, and containing over one thousand Jokes and Funny Stones. By Doesticks and othet witty writers. Large quarto. Trice 30 Cts. The Plate of Chowder; A Dish for Funny Fellow*. Appro- priately illustrated with 100 Comic Engravings. By the author of " Mrs. Partington's Carpet-bag of Fun." 12mo., paper covet. Price 25 cts. How to Talk and Debate; or, Fluency of Speech Attained without the Sacrifice of Elegance and Sense. Price 1 12 Cts. How to Dress with Taste. Containing Hints on the har- mony of colors, the theory of contrast, the complexion, shape or height. Price 12ct» How to Cut and Contrive Children's Clothes at a Small Cost. With numerous and explanatory engravings. Price 12 cts The Young Housekeeper's Book ; or, How to Have a Good Living upon a Small Income. Price 12 cts. The Chairman and Speaker's Guide ; or, Rules for the Or- derly Conduct of Public Meetings, Price,...., .• 12 cts Popular Books sent Free cf Postage at the Prices annexed. The Mishaps and Adventures of Obacliah Oldbuck. Where- in f.re set forth the Crosses, Chagrins, Calamities, Checks, Chills, tl.o Changes, Circumgyrations, by wliich his Courtship was attended. Showing also, the issue of his suit, and his Espousal to his Lady Love. This humor- ous and curious 1 forth with 183 comic drawings, the misfortunes ■which befell Mr. Oldbuck : and also his five unsuccessful a1 tempts to com- mit suicide — his hairbreadth escapes from fire, water and famini — Ins all- .•- tion i r ins poor doer, etc. To luuk over this book will make you laugh and an't help it. Price 30 cts. Earber's American Book of Ready-Made Speeches. Con- taining 109 original examples of humorous and serious Speeches, suitable for the following occasions: Presentation Speeches, Convivial Speeches, Festival Speeches, Addresses of Welcome, Addresse i of I longratulation and Compliment, Political Speeches, Dinner and Supper Speeches, for rials, Assoc iatio as, etc.; Trade Banquets, etc. ; Off-hand Speeches on a variety of subjects ; togethi r with appropriate Replies to each. To which are added, lutions of Compliment, Congratulation and Condolence, and a variety of Toasts and Sentiments for Public and Private Entertainments. Paper cover. Price 30 cts. Bound in boards, cioth back oO cts. Allyn's Ritual of Freemasonry. Containing a Complete Key to the following Decrees: Degree of Lutered Apprentice ; Degree of Fellow Craft ; Decree of Master Mason ; Degree of Mark Master; Degree of Past Master; Degree of Excellent Master ; Degree of Royal Arch; Roy al Arch Chapter ; Degr e ot Royal Master; Degree of Select Master ; r-Excelleut Master; Degree of Ark and Dove; Degree uj tantino le. D rrce of Secret Monitor ; Degree of Heroine ■ ; Degree of Knights of Three Kings; Mediterranean Pass; Order of Knights of ilie Red • i ; lerof Knights Templar and Knights of t the Christian Mark, and Guards of the Conelave; : the Holy I ■: The Holy and Thrice Illustrious Order of lho ' ret Master; Perfect Master; Intimate Secretary; Provost end - : dant of the Buildings, or Master in Israel; 1 Knights of Nine; Elected Grand Master; Sublime Enights K! I; i M.-'^r Architect; Knights of the Ninth Arch ; Grand EL • t, Per- fect and Sublime .Mason. Illustrated with 38 copper-plate eugravings ; to i is added, a Key to the PI i Beta Kappa, Orange, and Odd 1- By Avery Allyn, K. It. C. K. T. K. M., etc. 12mo, eloth. SOOO Charley White's Joke Book. Being a perfect Casket oi I- iin. i lii- firsl and only work of the kind eveT published. Containing a full v s. Qluminnted pnper r .;0(t. nnpi 6 CI Popnlcx Boois sent Free :f Po:tage at the Prices annexed. Day's Book-keeping Without a Master. Containing tho Rudiments of Book-keeping in Single and Double Entry, together with the proper Forms and Rules for opening and keeping Condensed and General Book Accounts. This -work is printed in a beautiful script type, and hence, combines the advantages of a handsome stylo of writing with its very sim- ple and easily understood lessons in Book-keeping. It presents a facsimile of a handsomely written set cf account books — on a small scale, it is true, but very neat "and pretty. This will enable the learner to improve his hand-writing, whilo perfecting himself as an expert, or first-class account- ant — which Is done by frequent practice. The book cxliibits all the differ- ent forms of Accounts, Balance Sheets, Trial-Balance, Commercial and Monetary Letters, Drafts, Notes, Credits, Orders, Inquiries, Replies, etc., etc., arranged in tho script type exactly as they should be written for busi- ness purposes. This feature makes the work invaluable as a book of refer- ence. Tho several pages have explanations at the bottom, to assist tho learner, in small type. As a pattern for opening book-accounts it is especi- ally valuable — particularly for those who are not well posted in the art. Day's Book-keepixg is the size of a regular quarto Account Book, and is made to lie flat open, for convenience in" use. Price 50 Cts- Blank Books for Day's Book-keeping 1 . "We have for sale Books of 96 pages each, ruled according to the patterns mentioned on pngo 3 of Day's BooK-KKF.i'lXG, suitable for practice of the learner, viz.: No. 1— lor General Book-keepinsr, pages 4 and 5; for Cash Account on page 13 j for Day Book in Single Entry, pages 15 to 25. No 2 — For Condensed Ac- counts, pages 9 and 10 ; for Cash Accounts, page 12 ; for Journal in Double Entry, pages 34 to 43. No. 3 — For Ledgers in Double or Single Entry, pages 26 to 44. Price, each 50 Cts. How to Write a Composition. This original work will be found a valuable aid in writing a composition on any topic. It lays down plain directions for the division of a subject into its appropriate heads, and for arranging them in their natural order, commencing v ith the simplest theme and advancing progressively to the treatment of more complicated subjects. The u*e of this'excollent hand-book will save the student the many hours of labor too often wasted in trying to write a plain composition. It affords a perfect skeleton of each subject, with its headings or divisions clearly defined, and each heading filled in with the ideas which the subject suggests ; so that all the writer has to do, in order to produce a good com- position, is to enlarge on them to suit his taste and inclination. Bound in boards, cioth back. Price '. 50 Cte. Uugent's Burlesque and Musical Acting- Charades. Contain- ing ton Charades, all in different styles, two of which are easy and effective Comic Parlor Operas, with Music and Pianoforte Accompaniments. Theso Plays require no scenery, and the dialogue is short, witty, and easy to learn. To each Charade will be found an introductory note, containing hints for its performance. Paper cover. Price '. 30 Cts. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. Snir.snaps and Snickerings of Simon Snodgrass. These funny and amusing stories areilhistrative of Irish Drolleries. Ludicrous Dutch Blunders. Yankee Tricks and Lodges, Backwoods Boasting, Negro Comi- calities, Perilous Pranks of Fighting Men, Frenchmen's Queer Mistakes, and other phases of eccentric character to make a complete Medley of Wil and Humor. Full of ftmny engravings. Price 25 cts. The Strange and Wonderful Adventures of Bachelor But- terfly. Showing his Hairbreadth Escapes from fire and cold — his being come over by a "Widow with nine small children — and his firm endurance of these and "other perils of a most extraordinary nature. Tho whole illustrated by about 200 engravings. Price 30 Cts. Popular Books Sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Howard's Recitations, Comic, Serious and Pathetic. Being a col- lection of fresh Recitations in Prose and Poetry, suitable for Anniversaries, Exhibitions. Sociables and Evening Parties. ISO pages. li',ino. Paper Cover 3>.ct£. Bound in Boards 50cts. frost's New Book of Dialogues. Being an entirely new and original series of Humorous Dialogues, designed for performance at School Anniversaries and Exhibitions. lbO pages. Paper Covers 3Ucts. Bound in Boards 50ctS, frost's Dialogues for Young Folks. A collection of Original, Moral and Humorous Dialogues, adapted to the use of School and Church Exhibitions, Family Gatherings and Juvenile Celebrations on all occasions. A few of the Dialogues are long enough to form a sort of little drama that ■will interest more advanced scholars, while short and easy ones abound for the use of quite young children. Paper Cover iiOcta. Bound ill Boards, with Cloth Backs, Side in Colors 50e!S. Frost's Humorous and Exhibition Dialogues. This is a col- lection of Sprightly Original Dialogues, in Prose arid Verse, intended to ba Bpoken at School Exhibitions. Some of the pieces are for boys, somo for pirlB. while a number are designed to be used by both sexes. ISO pages. Paper Covers 30ct3. Bound in Boards 50ct3 French Seif-Tausrht. A. new system on the most simple prin- ciples for Universal Si If -Tuition, with English Pronunciation of every word. By Etiamz Tuimm. XTice 25cts- German Self-Taught. "Uniform with "French Self-Taugbt." By F&ua Tuimm. Price 25ct3. Spanish Self-Taught. Uniform with " French Self-Taught. ' By 1'UASZ Thimm. Price 26cts. Italian Belf-Taught. Uniform with "French Self-Taught." By Peahz Thuui, Price 25cts. Franz Thimm's Modern Languages. Being tbo abovo four works bound together in cloth, 16mo. Price $1.50 The Banio, and How to Play It. Containing, In addition to the Elementary Study, a choice collection of Polkas, Waltzes, Solos. Bchot- qm, Bono, Hornpipes, Jigs, Beele,&e.; with fall explanations of both i , " and "Ottitar" style* of execution, and designed to impart a t the Art iii Playing the Banjo prautii illy, without tbo ai, i tier. By Fan i urvBHSB. author of tba "Banjo without a Master." lOtuo. Bound in Boards, with Cloth Back 50ctS. Sow to Speak in Public; or, the Art (*f Extempore Oratory. A valuable manual for those who desire to become ready, off-hand speakers. 25c. s. How to Shine in Society: or, the • f Conversation. C nciples, laws, and general UHi;:is of polite society. II 25cts. The Athlete's Gnido. A.1 WtJkiiig, Running, and . inoi- it - ;;;, w.th m1<. U hi ■ : the llvi ol th< moil 1 1 By W. E. Hanorjio. Ex-Champion, lamo, cloth. Pnca.fiUcta Jludson's Private Theatricals for H collection of Humorous Plays suitaole for an A Popular Ecolis seat Free of Postage at the Pries? annexed. Howard's Book of Brav/ing-Itoom Theatricals. A collec lion of twelve short and amusing plays in one act and one scene, specially adapted for private performances ; with practical directions, lor their preparation ami management. .Some of the plays are adapted lor per- formers of ojc sex only. This book is just what is wanted by those who purpose getting- up an entertainment of private theatricals : it contains all the necessary instructions for insuring complete success. 180 pages. Paper cover. Price 80 ct& .Bound in boards with cloth back 50 ctsJ Home Performance. A Amateur Entertainment, with directions how to carry out a performance successfully. Some of the pla? 3 vi this collection are adapted for performance by males only, others requirs only females for the cast, and all of them are in one scene and one act, and may be represented in any moderate sized parlor, without much prepara- tion of costume or scenery. 180 pages. Paper covers. Price .30 ctS' Bound in boards with cloth back 50 cti The Art of Dressing Well. By Miss S. A. Frost. Tb.ia book is designed for ladies and gentlemen who desire to make a favorable impression upon society, and is intend ed to meet the requirements of any season, place, or time : to offer such suggestions as will be valuable to those iust entering society ; to brides, for whose guidance a complete trousseau la described : to persons in mourning ; indeed, to every individual who jiaya attention to the important objects of economy, style, and propriety of cos- tume. 188 pages. Paper covers. Price 30 CtS Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts Eow to Amuse an Evening Party. A complete collection of Home P.. creations, including Pound Uames, Forfeits, Parlor Magic, Puzzles, and Comic Diversions ; together with a great variety of Scientific Recreations and Evening Amusements. Profusely illustrated with nearly two hundred fine woodcuts. Here is family amusement for the million. Hero is parlor or drawiug-room entertainment, night after night, lor a whole winter A young man with this volume may render himself the b-ou ideal of a delightful companion at every party. He may take the lead in amnsimr the companv, and win the hearts of all the ladies, and charm away the obduracy of the stoniest-hearted parent, by his powers of entertainment. Bound in ornamental paper cover. Price 30 Cts. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 CtS- Jfartine's Droll Dialogues and Laughable Recitations, By Arthur Martine, author of " Martine's Letter- Writer," etc., etc. A collection of Humorous Dialogues, Comic ltecitations, Brilliant Burlesques, Spirited Stump Speeches, and Ludicrous Earces, adapted for School Cele- brations and Home Amusement. 188 pages. Paper rovers- Price 30 ct*> . Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cts» Frost's Humorous and Exhibition Dialogues This is a collection of sprightly ori-inal Dialogues, in Prose and Verse, intended to be spoken at School Exhibitions. Some of the pi. ces are for boys, some for girls, while a number are designed to be used by both sexes. The Dialogues are all good, and will recommend themselves to those who desire to have innocent fun— the prevailing feature at a school celebration. 180 pa™<"' Laws and By-Laws of Society Combined. B ote collection ol oi I every imagtri ! d of overy-dnylifc, end a condenxed hut thorough trontise on Etiquette u work iiiclui synonyms especially adapted for th I'.v S. '• i,i ]i mo, i loth, C1.50 Row's Complete Fractional Ready Reckoner. For bivy- ing and selling nnv kind oft the fractional parti ol a pound, yard, etc . From one quarter to one thou and, at any price from one- i|imrti:r of a cent to five dollars. By Nelson Row, 3Cmo, "3W pages. Boards 50 CtS. Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations. Also containing Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan- tation Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Interludes and Com- ic Recitations, interspersed with Dutch, Irish, French and Yankee Stories. Compiled and edited by John F. Scott. This book contains some of the best hits of the leading negro delineators of the present 'time, as well as mirth-provoking jokes and repartees of the most celebrated End-Men of the day, and specially designed for the introduction of fun iv an evening's en- tertainment. Paper covers. Price 3C cts. Bound in boards, illuminated 50 Ctg. Frost's Original Letter-Writer. A complete collection of Original Letters and Notes, upon every imaginable subject of Every-Day Life, with plain directions about everything connected with writing a letter. Containing Letters of Introduction, Letters on Business, Letters answering Advertisements, Letters of Recommendation, Applications for Employment, Letters of Contrratulation, of Condolence, of Friendship and Relationship, Love Letters, Notes of Invitation, Notes Accompanying Gifts, Letters of Favor, of Advice, and Letters of Excuse, together with an appropriate answer to each. The whole embracing three hundred letters and notes. By B. A. Frost, author of " The Parlor Stage,'' " Dialogues for Young Folks," etc. To which is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms alone worth double the price asked for the book. This work is not a rehash of English writers, but is entirely practical and original, and suited to the wants ot the American public. We assure our readers that it is the best collection of letters ever published in this country. Bound in boards, cloth back, vith illuminated sides. Price 50 Cts. Inquire Within for Anything you Want to Know ; or, Over 3,700 Facts for the People. "Inquire Within " is one of the most valuable and extraordinary volumes ever presented to the American public, and embodies nearly 4,000 facts, in most of which any person will find instruc- tion, aid and entertainment. It contains so many valuable recipes, that an enumeration of them requires seventy-two columns of fine type for the index. Illustrated. 43G large pages. Price $150 The Sociable ; or, One Thousand and One Home Amvsemente. Containing Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Charades.Tableaux Vivants, Parlor Games and Parlor Magic, and a choice collection of Puzzles, etc., illustrated with nearly 300 Engravings and Diagrams, the whole being a fund of never-ending entertainment. By the author of the " Magician's Own Book." Nearly 400 pages, 12 mo. cloth, gilt side stamp. Price. .$1 50 Martina's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Po- liteness. A complete Manual for all those who desire to understand pood breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vulgaf habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct manners, conversation, dress, introductions, rules for good behavior at Dinner Parties and the table, with hints on wine and carving at the table ; together with * Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evening Parties, and the usages* to be observed when visiting or receiving calls; deportment in the stn-'k and when travelling. To which is added the Etiquette of Courtship s>'4 Marriage. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 Ci& Bound n cloth, gilt side 75 Cts. Day's American Beady-Reckoner, containing Tallies for rapid calculations of Aggregate Values, Wages, Salaries, Board, Interest Money, &c, &c. Also, Tables of Timber, Plank, Board and Log Measure- ments, with full explanations how to measure them, either by the square foot (board measure), cubic foot (timber measure), &c. Bound in boards. Price 50 Cts. Bound in cloth • 75 el* Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Frices annexed. Martine's Letter-writer and Etiquette Combined. For the use of Ladies and Gentlemen. 12mo.. cloth, gilt side and back. A preat many books have been printed on the subject of etiquette and cor- rect behavior in society, but none of them are sufficiently comprehensivo and matter-of-fact enough to suit the class of people who may be called new beginners in fashionable life. This book is entirely different from othersin that respect. It explains in a plain, common-sense way, precisely how to conduct yourself in every position in society. This book also contains over 300 sensible letters and notes suitable to every occasion in life, nud is probably the best treatise on Letter -w riling that has ever been printed. It , gives easily understood directions that arc brief and to the point. It has . some excellent model letters of friendship and business, and its model Love Letters are uneqnaled. If any lady or gentleman desires to know how to begin a love correspondence, this is just the book they want. This volume contains the same matter as " Martine's Hand-book of Etiquette," and •' Martine's Sensible Letter-writer,'' and. in fact, combines those two books bound together ia one substantial volume of 373 pages §J1 5 J Row's National Wages Tables. Showing at a glance (ho amount of wages, from half an hour to sixty hours, at from $1 to $37 per week. Also from one-quarter of a day to four weeks, at §1 to |37 per per week. By Nelson Row. By this bowk, which is particularly useful when part of a week, day, or hour is lost, a largo pay-roll can be mode out. iua few minutes, thus saving more time in making out one pay-roll than the cost of the book. Every employer hiring help by the hour, day or Week, should get a copy ; and every employee should also obtain one, as it will enable him to know exactly the amount of money he is entitled to ou pay-day. 12mo, 80 pages. Half bound 50 cts. (loth » 75 cts. Loan Tuck §1.00 A com- instnicti'iii to who have not the assistance of nn Oral Teacher. By the aid of this work, any person of the most ordinary intelligence rony learn to write Short-Hand, and report Speeches and Sermons iu a short time. Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 c; 3. The Yankee Cook Book. A New System of Cookery. Con- ic hundreds of excellent receipts from actual experience in Cooking; full explanations in the art of Carving. I'M pages. Illuminated E' over 30 ci8. .1 in boards, cloth back 50 cts. Mother Shipton's Oriental Dream Book. Being a reliable Interpretation of I 'reams, Visions, A pparitions, etc. Togcthor with a his- tory <>f remarkable Dreams, proven ferue oa Interpreted. Collected and ar- ranged from the moat celebrated .Masters. LGmo, 118 pages. Illuminated er 30 eta. Jack Johnson's Jokes for the Jolly. A collection of An- tes, Weird Witticisms, Slde-Spllttlng stories, and Mirthful " for the Melancholy. Providing a sura ■' orsad- a balm for tie blues, and en active antidote again i all m I2g pages, 16mo, Qlnminated paper cover 25 Day's Conversation Cards. •' New Original Set, Compris- nty four Answer*. >•* arranged thai the I ' ■/!!,!. i prises forty-two ( - <■ a handsome case, with printed din ctlons forut>e . , The Young Reporter ; or, Sow to Write Short- IIam.1. plete Phonographic Teacher, intended to afford thorough ins Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed, The American Homo Cook Book. Containing several hun- dred excellent Recipes. The 'whole based on many years' experience of an American Housewile. Illustrated with Engravings. All the Recipes in this book are written from actual experiments in Cooking. There are m copyings from theoretical cooking recipes. Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 CtS. Bound in paper covers. Trice 30 Ct3, Amateur Theatricals and Fairy-Tale Dramas. A collection of original plays, expressly designed for Drawing-room performance. 13y S. A. Frost. This "work is designed to meet a want, which has been long felt, of short and amusing pieces suitable to the limited stage ot the private parlor. The old friends of fairy-land will be recoguized aiuong tiie Fairy- Tale Dramas, newly clothed and arranged. Paper covers. Price 30 CtS. Bound in boards, 'with cloth back 50 CtS. Parlor Tricks "With Cards. Containing explanations of Tricks and Deceptions -with Playing Card.s, embracing Tricks with Cards performed by Sleight-of-hand, by the aid of Memory, Mental Calculation and Arrangement of the Cards, by the aid of Confederacy ; and Trick3 performed by the aid of Prepared Cards. The whole illustrated and made plain and easy, with 70 engravings. This book is an abridgment of our large -work, entitled " The Secret Out." Paper covers. Price 30 ctS- Bound in boards, -with cloth back 50 CtS> Chesterfield's Letter-writer and Complete Book of Eti- quette'. <"") Concise, Systematic Directions for Arranging and Writing Lct/ers. Also, Model Correspondence in Friendship and Business, and a great variety of Model Love Letters. This work is also a Complete Book of Etiquette. There is more real information in this book than in half a dozen volumes of the most expensive ones. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 35 CtS. Frank Converse's Complete Banjo Instructor. Without a Master. Containing a choice collection of Banjo Solos, Hornpipes, Reels, Jigs, Walk Arounds, Songs, and Banjo Stories, progressively arranged and plainly explained. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 CtS. The Magician's Own Book. Containing several hundred amusing~Sleight-of-hand and Card Tricks, Perplexing Tuzzles, Entertain- ing Tricks and Secret Writing Explained. Illustrated with over 500 wool engTavings. 12mo., cloth, gilt side and back stamp. Price 3150 North's Book of Love Letters. With Directions how to write and when to use them, and 120 specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers of anv age and condition, and under all circumstances. Interspersed with the author's comments thereon. The whole forming a convenient hand- book of valuable information and counsel for the use of those who need friendly guidanoo and advic-e in matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage. By Ingoi.tjsey Nor.TH. Tins book i3 recommended to all who are from any cause in doubt as to the manner in which they should write or reply to let- ters upon love and courtship. The reader will be aided in his thoughts— he will see where he is likely to please and where to displease, how to begin and how to end his letter, and how to judge of those nice shades of expres- sion and feeling concerning which a few mistaken expressions may create misunderstanding. All who wi«hnot only to copy a love letter, but to'. earn the art of writing them, will find North's book a very pleasant, sensible and irirn.lly companion. It is an additional recommendation that thevnri.ty offered is verv large. Cloth. Price 75 rt3. Jk . a 1 iu boards 50 tJi, Popular Books sent Free of Pestage at the Fxioes aimozed The Courtship and Adventures of Jonathan Homebred; and Escapes of a Live Yankee. Beautifully lllustrut.it. 12mo., cloth. This book is printed in handsome style, on good paper, nud with amusing engravin Price £1 58 The Wizard of the North's Hand-Book of Natural Magic. T.-ing a series ot the Newest Tucks of Deception, arranged for Ai. d Lovers of the Art. By Professor J. H. Anderson, t the North. Price 25ctr. Ihe Encyclopaedia of Popular Songs. Being a compi ia of all the new and . i Patriotic, Sentimental, Ethiopian, Humorous, Comic and Convivial Songs, the whole comprising over 400 songs. no., cloth, gilt. Price gl 25 Tory Pastor's Book of 600 Comic Songs and Speeches. og an entire collection of all the Humorous Bongs, Btump Speeches, Burlesque Orations, i'unuy Scenes, Comic Duets, 1 .. . rl Qg and -ung and given by the unrivaled Comic \ id Stump tOT, '1. H 1 1-1.- Bo ind in boards, cloth back CI 00 Yale College Scrapes; or, Hm ihe Boys Go*ita', New 11 This is a book of 114 pages, containing accounts ot all the noted and fa- mous " Scrapes " and " Sprees," of which students at Old Yaie have been ■ I v lor the last quarter of a century. Price '. 25cts. The Comic English Grammar; or, A Complete Grammar of ■ itli about lift; .rigs. Price 25 eta. The Comical Adventures of David DufHcks. Illustrated i one hundred Funn age. Targe octavo. Price 25 cts. Anecdotes of Love. Being a true account of the most re- i] y cii Love in all Af ..iong , cloth. Price $1 50 Tony Pastor's Complete Budget of Ccmic Songs. Con- nection of th" New and ( - Cloth, gilt. 81 25 Tue Laughable Adventures of Messrs. Brown, Jones and Robin* y wenl : what they did most th. . in 30 eta. Do Wahlen's Bail-Room Companion: Easy. 5 ,; Popular Song Books, sent Free of Postage. Price Ten Cents each. NEW SONG BOOKS. This list of Song Books contains all kinds of Songs, embracing Love, Senti mental, Ethiopian, Scotch, Irish, Convivial, Comic, Patriotic, Pathetic, atie Dutch Songs, besides a great variety of Stump Speeches Burlesque Orations, Plantation Scenes, Irish, Dutch, and Yankee Stories, Comic Recitations, Cc nundrums and Toasts. BARRY RICHMOND'S MY YOUNG WIFE AND I SONGSTER lOCta BARRY ROBINSON'S DON'T YOU WISH YOU WAS ME SONGSTER.10 " J >HNNY WILD'S WHAT AM I DOING SONGSTER 1C " BUELL'S KU-KLUX-KLAN SONGSTER 10 " FRANK KERN'S PRETTY LITTLE DEAR SONGSTER 10 " HARRY RICHMOND'S NOT-FOR-JOSEPH SONGSTER 10 " DAVE REED'S SALLY-COME-UP SONGSTER 10 " THE ROOTLE-TUM TOOTLE-TUM TAY SONGSTER 10 " SAM SLICK'S YANKEE SONGSTER 10 " CHAMPAGNE CHARLEY SONGSTER 10 " „uNNY ENGEL'S DEAR LITTLE SHAMROCK SONGSTER BO " BILLY EMERSON'S NEW COMIC SONGSTER 10 " BERRY'S LAUGH AND GROW FAT SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S BOWERY SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S WATER-FALL SONGSTER 10 ?« TONY PASTOR'S 414 COMBINATION SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S OPERA-HOUSE SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S CARTE DE V1SITE SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S GREAT SENSATION SONGSTER 10 "• TONY PASTOR'S OWN COMIC VOCALIST 10 " TONY PASTOR' SCOMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " TONY PASTOR'S UNION SONGSTER 10 " PADDY'S THE BOY SONGSTER 10 " BONNY DUNDEE SONGSTER 10 " WILL CARLETON'S DANDY PAT SONGSTER 10 1" BILLY EMERSON'S NANCY FAT SONGSTER 10 " HOOLEX'S OPERA HOUSE SONGSTER 10 " SAM SIIARPLEY'S IRON-CLAD SONGSTER 10 " JOE ENGLISH'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER , 10 " RODY MAUUiRE'S COMIC VARIETY SONGSTER 10 " HARRY PELL'S EBONY SONGSTER 10 " FRANK BROWER'S BLACK DIAMOND SONGSTER 10 " FRANK CONVERSE'S OLD CREMONA SONGSTER 10 " NELSE SEYMOUR'S BIG SHOE SONGSTER 10 " THE LANIGAN'S BALL SONGSTER 10 " TOM MOORE'S IRISH MELODIES 10 " BILLY HOLMES' COMIC LOCAL LYRICS..- 10 " FATTIE STEWART'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " CHRISTY'S BONES AND BANJO SONGSTER 10 " GEORGE CHRISTY'S ESSENCE OP OLD KENTUCKY 10 " CHRISTY'S NEW SONGSTER AND BLACK JOKER 10 " THE CONVIVIAL SONGSTER 10 " BEART AND HOME SONGSTER 10 " BjB HART'S PLANTATION SONGSTER 10 " ^.LLY BIRCH'S ETHIOPIAN SONGSTER 10 " "D IE SHAMROCK; OR. SONGS OP IRELAND 10 " 21 PRISON'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " THE CAMP-FIRE SONG BOOK 10 " THE CHARLEY O'M ALLEY IRISH SONGSTER 10 " FRED MAY'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 " 'HE LOVE AND SENTIMENTAL SONGSTER 10 " THE IRISH BOY AND YANKEE GIRL SONGSTER 10 " THE FRISKY IRISH SONGSTER 10 " G"OS SHAW'S s'OMIC SONGSTER 10 " WOOD'S MINSTREL SONG BOOK 10 " WOOD'S NEW PLANTATION MELODIES "i " Popular Books seat Tree ol Postage at the Prices annexed. *>..— — — ■ — — _ Spayth's Draughts or Checkers for Beginners. Being a com prehe nsive Guide for those who desire to learn the Game. This treatise was written by Hem.y 6fay*h, the celebrated player, and is by tar tho ■ i omplete and instructive elementary work on Draughts ever published. profusely illustrated with , is of ingenious stratagems, curious positions, and perplexing problems, and contains a great variety of inter- ing and instructive Games, progressively arranged and clearly explained with notes, so that the learner may easily comprehend them. With the . of this valuable Manual, a beginner may soon master the theory.!' ckers, and will only require a little practice to become proficient in tho ijaoie. Cloth, gilt side. Price 75 c tg. The Reason Why of General Science. A careful collec- iae thousands of Reasons for things, which, though generally km Stood. Being a book of Condensed Sci- entific Knowledge. It is a complete Encyclopedia of Science; and per- son . er had the advantage of a liberal education may, by the aid quire know ich the study of years only would impart in the ordinary course. It explains everything in Science that ran i ugh of, and the whole is arranged with a fuU index. A large vol- ume Ol s, bound in muslin, gilt, and illustrated with numerous wood-ci , §1 50 Le Walden's Eali-room Companion ; or, Dancing Made implete Practical In in the art of I 1 .ntaimng all! le and approved Dan dling the Figures, etc. By K.Mii.i: Dk "Waujen, Teacher of Dancing! this book gives in- Buaiments and Positions, Bows and Courtesies, , Quadrilles, Waltzes, Minuets, Jigs, Spanish Dances, Pol- ka, . Deux Temps, Danish, Redowa, ne, Hop, etc., together with all t and Quadrilles in vogue, tti is for all th of the celebrab ["German" or Cotillion. Bound in bo iback. Price 50 Cts- The Game of Draughts, or Checkers, > Ex- With practical I and Dlustral . with a I ated in red. Containing the Eight ' of the best variations, lected from the together with many original ones never beloi ued. Bound in cloth, with flexible covers. Trice 50 ctfl. Courteney's Dictionary of Abbreviations; Literary, Scien- tific, Commei I, Military, Naval, Legal and Medi ■'. A book of 1 for Vlie solo: ivs- I'.v Edward - : jq. Tins is a verj u eful 1 Everybody sho a copy. Price •-••12cts. How to Detect Adulteration in Our Daily Food and Drink, \ upon arti '.-. il h full llrectf. d : and inex] 1 ' 12 ctu, Blunders in Behavior Corrected. A Coi Code of D 12 eta- " It will polish and renni ( "-■ five Hundred French Phrase3. . ' for those who ukj ik and wi Price ._ Populi The Socia Containing Vivants, P curious me and diagra 12mo., clot I -auk Co Master. < Walk plainly exj out the aid bols. 100 The KEag amusing- i ing- Tricks engraving* 12mo., clot The Secre which exj known or 398 pages, Book of ] all kinds o taining fi< with CO en Bound in Parlor T the Decep' and made Paper cov Bound in The Boo: of the mo tion. Pa; Bound in The Pla] octavo, pr Bound in Bound in The Pla; healthy ri trated wi Bound in Bound in The Par This book is DUE on the last date stamped below 4hU 4 1959 Dec lb '5& NOV 1 1961 IJTTERLIBHAH i LOANS NOV 2 6 1974 tHREE V'EEKS FROM DK"E( N0N-RENEW/\BLE ^ inq-Jloam Papers <2wfc-10,'48 (Bl040)470 Boar I The of ent - \uaemevis. , Tableaux Election oV engravings SI 50 ithout a ipes, Keels, Tanged and n joist v ith- latory svm- 50ct3. hundred , Entertain- er 500 wood SI 50 A book Cards eves $150 ontaining s and Enter- Illustrated' 30 cts. 50cts- ions of all le illustrated • 30 cts. • 50 cts. lescription : as a P.ecrea- 30ct3- 50 cts- iris. Small 50 cts 75 cts. A book of nents. Ulua- itpi-taiWW*S3S?^W^)t^^rf^rOTers, etc. IThrstrated 50 cts. 75 cts. '.>• the Draw- vings. ........30 cts. 50 cts. inds with Bound in 1 r cove ra. rrPricc 30 C