SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
 
 Manners are of more importance than laws. 
 Upon these, in a great measure, the law depends. 
 The law teaches us but here and there, now and 
 then. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or 
 purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a 
 constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like 
 that of the air we breathe in. They give their whole 
 form and color to our lives. According to their 
 quality, they aid morals, they supply laws, or they 
 totally destroy them. BURKE.
 
 SOCIAL CUSTOMS 
 
 BY 
 
 ^] & 
 FLORENCE ., HOWE HALL 
 
 Who does not delight in fine manner* ? Their charm cannot be 
 predicted or overstated. EMERSON 
 
 BOSTON 
 ESTES AND LAURIAT
 
 Copyright, 1887, 
 BY ESTES AND LAURIAT. 
 
 JOHN WILSON AND SON, CAMBRIDGE.
 
 PKEFACE. 
 
 HPHE man who made the first map of the earth's sur- 
 face had a comparatively easy task to fulfil. Like 
 Columbus, the world lay before him where to choose ; 
 he was not obliged to respect the prejudices nor the 
 landmarks of any predecessor, but could draw freely 
 upon his own imagination. The last maker of atlases 
 has a very different work to do. His fancy can make 
 no lofty flights ; cold realities fence him in on every side. 
 Not an island, not a wretched little cape can he omit ; 
 he must copy all his predecessors, and yet he must 
 create a new work. " It is the last step which costs," 
 he exclaims in the bitterness of his heart, and longs for 
 those ancient days of geographical license when turtles, 
 elephants, and serpents figured in place of North and 
 South America. 
 
 It is with somewhat similar feelings that the writer 
 of this little volume has entered upon her task. The 
 difficulty of writing a new discourse upon so old a 
 theme as manners is greater than might appear to one 
 who had given the subject no thought. The old charts 
 must constantly be consulted, and the general outlines 
 
 2130032
 
 vi PREFACE. 
 
 of the new must in great measure correspond with them. 
 The great social continents, the moral Baffin's Bays and 
 Hudson's Straits must be represented as they always 
 have been, in all essential particulars, and yet the whole 
 must be no servile copy, no mere reproduction. The 
 writer has attempted, therefore, to give a bird's-eye 
 view, as it were, of her subject, in order that she might 
 be enabled to depart a little from the beaten track, 
 and also because it has seemed to her that such a 
 view was the most correct one. One cannot judge of 
 the merits of a picture if one stands too near it ; and 
 the theme of manners is one that admits of a moral 
 perspective. 
 
 It was the wish of the publishers, Messrs. Estes and 
 Lauriat, that this book should be something more than 
 a mere set of rules for behavior ; that it should contain 
 some reflections on the reason and origin of social cus- 
 toms. To enter deeply into such a matter would of course 
 be impossible in a volume of this size and scope ; but 
 it has been touched upon here and there as opportunity 
 offered. If the reader finds as much pleasure in reading 
 these little details of ancient customs as the writer has 
 enjoyed in collecting them, she will feel amply repaid 
 for her labor. 
 
 Another great difficulty which confronts all writers 
 upon American etiquette is, that many matters of detail 
 are not definitely settled in our social code. About the 
 great general principles upon which all really good man- 
 ners are founded, no difference of opinion exists. But 
 we are pre-eminently a freedom-loving people, and every
 
 PREFACE. vii 
 
 man claims liberty of conscience in social as in other 
 matters. For the rest, we have no person nor set of per- 
 sons who have a right to dictate to us what our conduct 
 shall be. In European countries it is a part of the 
 privilege of the court to lay down an absolute law on 
 all matters of etiquette, and the social culture and train- 
 ing, hereditary and traditional in a royal house for 
 centuries, give its members a certain moral right to 
 prescribe what shall and what shall not be considered 
 good breeding. Whatever we may think of a monarch- 
 ical and aristocratic form of government, we must at 
 least acknowledge that in countries where it is allowed 
 to exist at all it may reasonably claim the privilege of, 
 and a special fitness for, social jurisdiction. The great 
 standing armies, too, of European States, with their mili- 
 tary discipline and strict subordination, no doubt have 
 an important influence on public opinion. They incul- 
 cate obedience and uniformity of action with a silent 
 influence which is difficult to estimate exactly. 
 
 Our own army may be just as well regulated, or 
 perhaps even better; but it is so small, and so scat- 
 tered over our Western frontiers, that its influence is 
 scarcely perceptible. Our political rulers are often 
 men of no especial culture or early advantages. Even 
 those who set themselves up as our social rulers are 
 often utterly deficient in the important social pre- 
 requisite of grandparents ; and the man whose ancestors 
 came over in the " Mayflower " will not submit to dicta- 
 tion in matters of conduct from the man who had 
 a rag-picker for his grandfather.
 
 viii PREFACE. 
 
 Thus it will be seen that in treating of our etiquette 
 one must necessarily avoid as far as possible ex 
 cathedra or absolute statements, while one must also 
 beware of confusing the reader by offering too many 
 alternatives and showing too many possible paths. 
 The writer has therefore striven to avoid dogmatism 
 on the one hand and ambiguity on the other, giving 
 decided opinions where it seemed best to do so, and in 
 other cases mentioning the various views that are taken 
 of those subjects upon which doctors disagree. 
 
 FLORENCE HOWE HALL. 
 
 September 21, 1887-
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER TAGE 
 
 I. THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS, AND THIIR 
 
 FOUNDATION ON HUMAN REASON 1 
 
 II. PERMANENT AND TRANSIENT INSTITUTIONS IN 
 
 SOCIETY 10 
 
 III. THE USES OF SOCIETY 19 
 
 IV. THE FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS .... 25 
 V. VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USFS 32 
 
 VI. INVITATIONS 53 
 
 VII. DINNER-PARTIES, AND How TO GIVE THEM . . 65 
 
 VIII. DINNER-PARTIES; SERVICE AND ARRANGEMENTS 
 
 OF THE TABLE 72 
 
 IX. ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE 83 
 
 X. THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE ; ITS FURNITURE 
 
 AND EQUIPMENT 91 
 
 XI. CHILDREN, AND How THEY SHOULD BEHAVE AT 
 
 THE TABLE 100 
 
 XII. LUNCHEONS 110 
 
 XIII. AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS 120 
 
 XIV. BALLS AND DANCING-PARTIES, THEIR ARRANGE- 
 
 MENTS, ETC 130 
 
 XV. ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM 137
 
 X CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER PAGE 
 
 XVI. MUSICAL PAETIES 144 
 
 XVII. THE ETIQUETTE or WEDDINGS 154 
 
 XVHI. MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS AND ENGLISH WED- 
 DING BREAKFASTS 169 
 
 XIX. THE CHAPERONE 175 
 
 XX. CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. HINTS ON How TO 
 
 AVOID SOME OF ITS BESETTING DANGERS . . 184 
 
 XXI. ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT .... 195 
 
 XXII. GESTURES AND CARRIAGE 207 
 
 XXIII. INTRODUCTIONS 217 
 
 XXIV. LETTERS OP INTRODUCTION 227 
 
 XXV. LETTERS AND NOTES 231 
 
 XXVI. ON DRESS 245 
 
 XXVII. THE DRESS AND CUSTOMS APPROPRIATE TO 
 
 MOURNING 255 
 
 XXVIII. HOST AND GUEST 265 
 
 XXIX. COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY .... 277 
 
 XXX. IN THE STREET 287 
 
 XXXI. PRIDE AND PARVENUS 296 
 
 XXXII. THERE is NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN . . 310 
 
 XXXIII. HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. WASHINGTON CUSTOMS 320
 
 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS, AND THEIR FOUNDATION 
 ON HUMAN REASON. 
 
 HERBERT SPENCER declares the earliest kind of govern- 
 ment to be that of ceremonial institutions. Ceremonial con- 
 trol precedes religious and political control, and he finds an 
 ingenious argument in favor of this hypothesis in the con- 
 duct of savage tribes. " Daily intercourse among the lowest 
 savages, whose small, loose groups, scarcely to be called social, 
 are without political or religious regulation, is under a con- 
 siderable amount of ceremonial regulation/' 
 
 In other words, ceremonies, manners, whatever you please 
 to call them, are necessarily the first law which binds man, 
 because they are personal and concrete. The earliest neces- 
 sity for a savage is to show his fellow that he does not mean 
 to fight him, but intends rather to live peaceably with him 
 and give him his dues. Hence certain peaceful observances 
 and signs are early established, such as salutations, doing 
 homage, etc., and perhaps are the first tokens of order 
 that appear out of the primeval chaos of mutual warfare and 
 destruction. 
 
 The first bondage, then, is that of manners, and the last 
 bondage is of manners also, and from it we need neither 
 
 1
 
 2 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 wish nor hope to be set free. If we live among civilized 
 men, we surely cannot be free from it ; if we flee to savage 
 nations, we must still observe their code of manners. Our 
 only hope of escape is to live the life of a hermit, and even 
 Robinson Crusoe was polite to his cat and his parrot ! And 
 why should we wish to escape from this easy-fitting yoke, 
 which surely protects far more than it hampers us ? Man- 
 ners are, or should be, defensive, not offensive. They have 
 undergone vast changes during all these ages, and the cus- 
 toms of the savage resemble little enough the polished ways 
 of the highly civilized man of the nineteenth century. But 
 in this one point they must ever resemble each other, that 
 they protect and defend the man who uses them. Emerson 
 says of manners, " Their vast convenience I must always 
 admire. The perfect defence and isolation which they effect 
 makes an insuperable protection." And some one else has 
 said, "Etiquette is the barrier which society draws around 
 itself as a protection against offences the 'law' cannot 
 touch ; it is a shield against the intrusion of the imper- 
 tinent." 
 
 But what a vast difference between the old slavish customs 
 wherein the inferior tremblingly deprecated the wrath of his 
 superior, and the manners of to-day, with which equal greets 
 equal ! The fear of personal violence, or even of death, made 
 unfortunate wretches grovel in the earth, and place dirt upon 
 their heads, as a sign of their entire submission, a plea of 
 humility ; whereas, with the liberty we of the Western 
 world now enjoy, we need not " crook the pregnant hinges 
 of the knee " to any man ; and though we still use manners 
 as a defence, it is only to guard those innermost citadels of 
 privacy, the mind and heart, from unwarranted intrusion. 
 
 The history of manners is the history of civilization, and 
 in their study the wise man finds his account. It is only the 
 fool who despises them, because he has not taken the time
 
 THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 3 
 
 and trouble to come at their real meaning and significance, 
 and therefore begs the whole question by declaring that they 
 have none. 
 
 It is a significant fact that manners, in old English, meant 
 much the same thing as what we now call morals, thus 
 showing the ethical importance which our ancestors attached 
 to a decent behavior. "Evil communications corrupt good 
 manners," saith the Scripture, and the word is used else- 
 where in the Bible in the same sense. In Shakespeare's 
 " As You Like It," Touchstone makes a delightful pun on 
 the word. 
 
 "Touch. Wast ever in court, shepherd ? 
 Cor. No, truly. 
 Touch. Then thou art damned. 
 
 Cor. For not being at court ? Your reason. 
 
 Touch. Why, if thou never wast at court thou never sawest good 
 manners ; if thou never sawest good manners, then thy manners must 
 be wicked ; and wickedness is sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in 
 a parlous state, shepherd." 
 
 The word " morals " was not used by the old writers ; but 
 here again we have a proof of the identity, in the opinion of 
 our forefathers at least, of morals and good manners. Polite- 
 ness they considered as an essential element of good behav- 
 ior, a branch certainly of good morals. The word " moral " 
 is derived from the Latin word mos, plural mores, meaning 
 manners or customs ; and while the English word has alto- 
 gether lost the original Latin meaning, the French word 
 mceurs (manners), derived from the same Latin root, is still 
 used in the old sense. 
 
 Rev. Brooke Herford, in one of his recent sermons, called 
 attention to the rigorous adherence to good manners, the use 
 of a prescribed form of speech even under most trying and 
 exciting circumstances, of which we find evidence in the 
 Bible. Thus the Shunammite woman, hastening to Elisha,
 
 4 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and full of anguish at the death of her only son, still answers, 
 " It is well," when asked whether it is well with her child, 
 although she has come to announce his death to the prophet. 
 And the messenger who brought King David the tidings of 
 that dreadful battle in which his beloved son Absalom was 
 slain, prefaced his deadly message with the usual phrase, 
 " All is well," though he knew that the dearest treasure of 
 the king's heart, his favorite son, was lying dead on the 
 bloody plain. The fear of seeming to doubt or deny in 
 some way the providence of the Almighty, was perhaps one 
 reason for the use of this phrase, as the preacher suggested. 
 
 As the state of society changes from one age to another, 
 manners must necessarily change with it, otherwise they 
 cease to be the true exponents of the thought and feeling of 
 the time. Having once been fitting symbols, they become 
 only dead letters when the thought they represented passes 
 away, mere empty forms, savoring of hypocrisy, and sur- 
 viving their usefulness on account of the conservative nature 
 of man, which tends to make him do always what he has 
 done once. 
 
 Thus the phrase " your worship " no doubt had originally 
 a more or less sincere meaning, in the time when inferiors 
 were so low in the scale of civilization that they did in some 
 sort worship those who were so high above them. "When 
 rae really believed that a king could do no wrong, that he 
 was a king by Divine right, and that his very touch could heal 
 the diseases of ordinary mankind, in such a time it would 
 not be wonderful that one man should consider another as 
 worthy even of worship. In the extremely enlightened and 
 unbelieving state of mind of the present day we can scarcely 
 believe that such superstitions as these ever existed ; but it 
 was only in the reign of Queen Anne that the royal touch for 
 the king's evil was used for the last time, while the worship of 
 heroes is not only as old as our race, but has not yet died out.
 
 THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 5 
 
 We do not worship them precisely as the old Greeks and 
 Romans did, but rather after the fashion of medievalism. 
 We carefully preserve buttons from their coats, locks of their 
 hair, the chairs in which they sat, and curious characters 
 which they traced with a pointed instrument dipped in black 
 fluid upon a material made of bleached and pounded rags, 
 what we call autographs. And yet we think it was strange 
 that the unlettered men of the Middle Ages should have 
 treasured the bones of saints, and held as sacred, fragments 
 of their garments! Verily the nature of man is ever the 
 same, with all his boasted progress! 
 
 When customs no longer have a real meaning, when they 
 become mere shams and pretences, then they will gradually 
 disappear of themselves ; and then the reformer is justified if 
 he inveighs against them, although if he is a wise man he 
 knows that customs " die hard," and will not expect to see 
 them rapidly disappear. What a grand time they had in the 
 French Revolution, when the whole order of society was 
 changed, and the titles even of the old heathen months were 
 taken away from them as savoring too much of ancient su- 
 perstition ! But somehow people did not take even to such 
 sensible names as "Snowy," "Rainy," "Foggy." They clam- 
 ored for the old names, and would have them back again ; not 
 because they cared for Janus or Maia, or even for Julius Caesar, 
 but because they were used to January and May and July, 
 and liked the old nonsense better than the new sense. 
 
 Nay, it is to be feared that we have not quite outgrown a 
 belief in the old nonsense yet ; for while no living being now 
 worships Maia, there are plenty of people who consider it un- 
 lucky to be married in May. a superstition which existed in 
 the days of Ovid, and no one knows how long before. Its 
 origin is a curious one. The Romans believed in good and 
 evil spirits, and called the latter Leimires. These ancient 
 ghosts were of a restless disposition, tormenting the good and
 
 6 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 haunting the wicked. With that common sense which ever 
 distinguished the old Romans, they celebrated festivals in 
 honor of the Lemures, which they called Lemuria, and held in 
 the month of May. The solemnities lasted for three nights, 
 during which marriages were prohibited, and the temples of 
 the gods were shut. The populace burned black beans to drive 
 away these bad spirits, and also beat on kettles and drums. 
 It is said that Romulus first instituted the Lemuria, or Lemu- 
 ralia, to appease the shade of Remus, and the word became 
 corrupted from Semuria to Lemuria. 
 
 The manners peculiar to certain states of society pass 
 away with them, and, despite the lamentations of some lovers 
 of the past, it is best that it should be so. Though we may 
 sometimes fall a little in the scale of our behavior, on the 
 whole there is an improvement in the manners of the civil- 
 ized world from one age to another. 
 
 Take for instance the beginning of the eighteenth century. 
 Little as Thackeray liked the manners of his own day, and 
 ruthlessly as he showed up their follies and foibles, he liked 
 still less the manners of this older time, of which he made 
 an especial study, to his great disgust. In his essay on Steele, 
 he says : " We can't tell you would not bear to be told the 
 whole truth regarding those men and manners. You could 
 no more suffer in a British drawing-room, under the reign of 
 Queen Victoria, a fine gentleman or fine lady of Queen Anne's 
 time, or hear what they heard and said, than you would re- 
 ceive an ancient Briton. It is as one reads about savages, 
 that one contemplates the wild ways, the barbarous feasts, the 
 terrific pastimes of the men of pleasure of that age." 
 
 He then describes the career of a very rapid nobleman, who 
 died while perpetrating his third murder, and a little farther 
 on he continues in the same vein : " But things were clone 
 in that society, and names were named, which would make 
 you shudder now. What would be the sensation of a polite
 
 THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 7 
 
 youth of the present day, if at a ball he saw the object of 
 his affections taking a box out of her pocket and a pinch of 
 snuff ; or if at dinner, by the charmer's side, she deliberately 
 put her knife into her mouth 1 . . . Fancy the moral condi- 
 tion of that society in which a lady of fashion joked with a 
 footman, and carved a sirloin, and provided besides a great 
 shoulder of veal, a goose, hare, rabbit, chickens, partridges, 
 black puddings, and a ham, for a dinner of eight Christians ! 
 What what could have been the condition of that polite 
 world in which people openly ate goose after almond- 
 pudding, and took their soup in the middle of dinner? 
 Fancy a Colonel in the Guards putting his hand into a 
 dish of beignets d'abi'icot, and helping his neighbor, a young 
 lady du monde! Fancy a noble lord calling out to the ser- 
 vants, before the ladies at his table, ' Hang expense, bring 
 us a ha'porth of cheese ! ' ' 
 
 Mankind do not change their manners from one epoch to 
 another, as a snake sheds his skin ; the transition is a very 
 gradual one, and men cling so fondly to their old ways that 
 they always incline to keep them, where it is possible to do 
 so, changing the old form a little, to suit it to its new mean- 
 ing. Thus, when heathen nations first become Christianized, 
 their religious practices are a very queer jumble of the old 
 and the new forms of worship. The history of Europe is 
 full of records of these curious mixtures, some of which are 
 very familiar to us all. 
 
 The old Scandinavians had no intention of giving up the 
 custom so congenial to their tastes, that of drinking the 
 " minni " (that is, love, memory, and the thought of the ab- 
 sent) of the objects of their worship ; so upon their conver- 
 sion to Christianity they arranged the matter very simply by 
 abandoning their old favorites, Thor, Odin, and Freya, and 
 drinking the "minne" of Mary and of Christ. "Minnying" 
 or " mynde " days, on which the memory of the dead was
 
 8 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 celebrated by services or banquets, survived for a long time 
 in England. 
 
 Many customs which now seem to us foolish and absurd had 
 once their serious meaning ; but in the course of long years, 
 and perhaps of wanderings from far countries, that meaning 
 has been utterly lost from sight. Again, we can often see 
 plainly what significance certain observances once had, but we 
 no longer believe in them. "We still say " Bless you " from 
 force of habit, when some one sneezes, but we have ceased to 
 attach the slightest importance to the remark. It is rather 
 curious to find that the ancient Greeks and Romans saluted 
 one another in the same way, and two thousand years ago 
 Pliny asked, " Why do AVC salute those who sneeze 1 " 
 
 When Guachoga, a native chief, came to pay a visit to 
 Hernando de Soto, the former happened to sneeze ; whereupon 
 " the gentlemen who had come with him, and were lining 
 the walls of the hall among the Spaniards there, all at once 
 bowing their heads, opening their arms and closing them again, 
 and making other gestures of great veneration and respect, 
 saluted him with different words, all directed to one end, say- 
 ing, 'The Sun guard thee, etc.,'" upon which the Spanish 
 governor concluded that " all the world was one." 
 
 The petty superstitions of every-day life, which cultivated 
 people laugh at and the uneducated still believe in, wero 
 once no doubt features of a serious though childish religious 
 belief. All the superstitions about the moon point plainly 
 in this direction, while those about Friday are of Christian 
 origin, as all the world knows. Many servants firmly believe 
 that it is unlucky to engage or take service on Saturday, 
 although they cannot tell you why they think so. I have 
 often seen women of this class entreat a child to get up if it 
 happened to be lying in their path on the stairs or else- 
 where, saying, " If I step over you, you will never grow, you 
 know ! "
 
 THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 9 
 
 For every supersitition and every exploded belief there is, 
 or has been, some argument in its favor, some train of reason- 
 ing more or less ingenious and well carried out. We smile at 
 the curious scientific theories of Plato, for instance, although 
 lie presents arguments in their favor that are as good as many 
 modern reasons. In the same way there is no small point of 
 etiquette which has not its raison d'etre, although the train 
 of logic which brought it into being may be quite forgotten 
 by living men. 
 
 It is with the law of etiquette as with the common law ; 
 both contain many absurdities, but nevertheless these very 
 absurdities have all been carefully reasoned out. As the 
 common law concerned the lives and safety of all men, its 
 sayings were carefully preserved and accurately written down 
 by learned men ; but the law of etiquette has had compara- 
 tively few expounders to keep careful record of its vagaries. 
 It certainly, however, contains no greater follies than those of 
 its prototype, which gravely declared that a mother was not 
 of kin to her own child, and proceeded to prove the same ! 
 
 Despite its many imperfections, the common law sur- 
 prises us with its accumulation of sound views and its expo- 
 sition of true principles, the result of the combined wisdom 
 of many great minds during long centuries. In the same 
 way the laws that govern manners contain many true and 
 unchanging principles mingled with much that is untrue, 
 unimportant, and transitory. 
 
 But this subject cannot well be treated of at the end of a 
 chapter, and demands a new one for itself.
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 PERMANENT AND TRANSIENT INSTITUTIONS IN SOCIETY. 
 
 " CRABBED age and youth cannot live together " says the 
 old song, and the unregenerate heart of man repeats it. But 
 modern civilization not only brings youth and age together, 
 she accomplishes even greater wonders. Black and white, rich 
 and poor, educated and ignorant, Christian and heathen, evil 
 and good, powerful and weak, sick and well, civilized and 
 savage, high and low, all races, classes and ages of men she 
 brings together pitilessly, and without hesitation. Xay, she 
 does more than this, for she tells them that they must not only 
 live together, but live peaceably and on the whole they 
 do so. 
 
 When you consider what a seething caldron of opposing 
 nationalities, creeds, and views a modern city consists of, 
 what widely differing people are thrown together in steam- 
 ships, hotels, and railroads by the remorseless Cook and the 
 wide-reaching Yanderbilt, the wonder is, not that somebody 
 occasionally kills somebody else, but that men do not slay 
 their tormentors daily. If we lived in those cheerful old 
 times when the world was still young, we should do so, as a 
 matter of course, just as those individuals among us whose 
 civilization remains crude, slay one another for any slight 
 difference of opinion, and promptly make an end of the 
 female of the species whenever she does not have supper 
 ready in time.
 
 INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 11 
 
 The composition of our modern society is not only cosmo- 
 politan in the extreme, but another element of complexity is 
 added to it in the vast and ever-increasing intricacy of the 
 machinery of our daily life. We have become so highly 
 and uncomfortably civilized, our surroundings are so artificial, 
 that there is some danger of our all turning into so many 
 machines, each one being a part of the great central Corliss 
 engine of our civilization. 
 
 It is this, or the forest. In past ages every high state 
 of civilization has wrought its own ruin, and vigorous bar- 
 barism has taken the place of effete luxury and corruption, 
 just as the vacuum of idiocy succeeds to over-activity of the 
 brain. 
 
 In our own time the fleeing to the country, the desertion 
 of large cities by the very rich, during the greater part of the 
 year is something more than a new whim of Fashion, a 
 feature of Anglo-imitation. It is instinct which teaches such 
 people to return as far as is agreeable and comfortable 
 to Nature. Having plenty of leisure time in which to note 
 their feelings, they find themselves suffocated with the fingers 
 of iron whose grasp extends into every corner of a great city. 
 
 Was it not with some such blind instinct that poor Marie 
 Antoinette strove to escape from the artificial life of the 
 French court ? Did she not have a foreboding of the dread- 
 ful fate that awaited her, the frightful collapse of that rotten 
 state of society so soon to follow ? Alas ! the Little Trianon 
 was a poor, weak substitute for the lap of great mother 
 Nature, and could ill protect its votary from the nihilism of 
 the eighteenth century, the nihilism of the guillotine. 
 
 In such a complex state of society as ours at the present 
 day, the code of manners must evidently be a complicated 
 one. It is true that we have simplified forms wherever we 
 could do so, and have abridged much of the ceremony that 
 was once thought necessary. There ia still much that we
 
 12 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 cannot abridge, and the variety of our life must involve a 
 corresponding variety of customs. 
 
 Through all the meshes of these confused details, however, 
 run certain unchanging principles, like the strong midribs in 
 a delicate leaf. These great general truths are bodied forth in 
 what may be called the permanent institutions in society as 
 distinguished .from those transient features which change with 
 every generation, one might almost say with every year. 
 
 The great truths on which our code of manners is founded 
 are those of the Christian religion, a due regard for others, 
 humility, a sense of dxity, and self-respect. 
 
 Humility may have existed before the Christian era, but 
 it was not counted a virtue in men. The old Romans, 
 even in their most civilized days, believed in vaunting their 
 own exploits. Cicero continually tells us of what prodigies 
 he performed in saving the State, and Virgil makes his hero 
 boast of his own prowess in a way to make a Harvard Sopho- 
 more blush. Savages of course proclaim their own great 
 deeds and those of their ancestors ; and as Herbert Spencer 
 points out, Egyptian and Assyrian inscriptions prove that 
 this habit of self-praise long persists in some cases. 
 
 Self-respect cannot exist where there is not due humility, 
 since it is inconsistent with boasting and self-flattery, just 
 as a true respect for others is inconsistent with adulation 
 and undue glorification of them. Respect implies a proper 
 consideration for its object, a right measuring of it. 
 
 Love for one's neighbor, at least in a modified form, a 
 due regard for him and his rights, may be considered as 
 the key-stone of our code of manners, which even the most 
 selfish man does not dare wholly to ignore if he is well-bred 
 and wishes to appear so. 
 
 The ancient Persians believed in treating their neighbors 
 well, but from a rather singular motive. Herodotus says, 
 " They honor above all those who live nearest to themselves ;
 
 INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 13 
 
 in the second degree, those that are second in nearness, and 
 after that, as they go farther off, they honor in proportion ; 
 and least of all they honor those who live at the greatest dis- 
 tance ; esteeming themselves to be by far the most excellent 
 of men in every respect, and that others make approaches to 
 excellence according to the foregoing gradations, but that 
 they are the worst who live farthest from them." 
 
 The permanent institutions in society are those in which 
 every one believes at least theoretically and whose pri- 
 mary importance no one is disposed to deny. Respect to 
 elders and deference to superiors belong to this class of in- 
 stitutions, as does also courtesy to women and kindness to 
 inferiors. 
 
 Who is my superior 1 He who is higher and greater than 
 I am, not in the mere accident of outward circumstances, 
 but greater in himself, in his character, nature, talents, deeds. 
 
 Fortunately for ourselves we are not obliged by law and 
 tradition in this country to look up to any set of men as our 
 superiors ; we have no aristocracy of birth, but we are in im- 
 minent danger of making for ourselves what is infinjtelj 
 worse, a plutocracy whose only recommendation shall be that 
 they have amassed vast wealth, in what manner, we must 
 not ask too curiously. 
 
 Not long ago a book agent called upon me, and with 
 extraordinary volubility sang the praises of the volume for 
 which she was canvassing. This was nothing more nor less 
 than a compilation of the lives of all the very rich men of 
 the present day, with an account of the ways in which 
 their fortunes had been accumulated, the whole intended as 
 a guiding star to the tender mind of youth, that should shine 
 upon their path in the world, and help them in all troubles, 
 with its noble golden light. 
 
 It seemed to me I had never seen Mammon-worship so 
 openly recommended. Far be it from me to say that all rich
 
 14 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 men are bad, or their fortunes accumulated by ignoble ineaus. 
 All honor to the good and great, be they rich or be they 
 poor ; but for Heaven's sake let us not set apart as a class 
 Avorthy of all praise and imitation a certain set of men whose 
 claim to our attention is that they have amassed a large 
 amount of shekels! Do not let us (yet awhile at least) 
 say 
 
 " Lives of [rich] men all remind us 
 
 We must make our lives sublime ; 
 And, departing, leave behind us 
 [Millions] on the sands of time." 
 
 The man who has made a large fortune must have talent of 
 some sort, to have prevailed over his fellows in the Gold-race ; 
 but often it is his only talent, and too often it has been 
 helped out by unscrupulous means. 
 
 When we come to the question of respect to elders, there 
 seems to be little danger of excess in this direction among 
 the present generation. If our young people feel a natural 
 inclination to show excessive reverence to their superiors in 
 age, why, they repress that inclination in a most surprising 
 manner. 
 
 Our elders are always our superiors in length of life and 
 experience, if in nothing else. Magnanimity, too, bids us 
 treat them always with a certain gentleness. Are we not 
 their conquerors, to whom sooner or later they must abandon 
 their inheritance, the earth? As conquerors, then, let us 
 bear ourselves with becoming meekness, remembering always 
 now hard it is to be old, to be in the past tense instead 
 of the present. 
 
 How touching is that story of Hans Andersen's, in which 
 a young married couple are made to see how unfilial their 
 conduct is, when it is imitated by their little child ! They 
 have put the old father in the corner and given him a wooden
 
 INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 15 
 
 spoon to eat with ; whereupon the boy takes out his knife 
 to carve a spoon for his parents to use when he shall be a 
 grown man ! 
 
 Courtesy to women we may surely claim as an American 
 virtue ; not that our men are always perfectly polite, or that 
 we may not hope to make further progress in this direction, 
 but that on the whole, American women are better treated than 
 any others on the face of the globe. In Dickens's " American 
 Notes " he says, in commenting on our behavior at table, " But 
 no man sat down until the ladies were seated; or omitted 
 any little act of politeness which could contribute to their 
 comfort. Nor did I ever once, on any occasion, anywhere, 
 during my rambles in America, see a woman exposed to the 
 slightest act of rudeness, incivility, or even inattention." 
 
 The elegance of manner, the profound obeisances with 
 which courtly Europeans honor the women whom they ad- 
 mire, we cannot perhaps rival in this new country ; but the 
 spirit of true chivalry, the respect for women of all classes 
 because they are women, and not because they are beautiful, 
 young, or rich, prevails here to an extent of which we may 
 well be proud. 
 
 How permanent the essential elements of good manners 
 are, strikes one very forcibly in reading the books of bygone 
 times that relate to courtesies, as well as the truths that great 
 thinkers have uttered on this subject. Lord Chesterfield's 
 wise and witty sayings may still be read with much profit, 
 while the profound maxims of De la Rochefoucauld remain 
 as true as ever. Hear what the former says of the treatment 
 of inferiors : 
 
 " You cannot, and I am sure you do not, think yourself 
 superior by nature to the Savoyard who cleans your room, or 
 the footman who cleans your shoes ; but you may rejoice, and 
 with reason, at the difference which fortune has made in your 
 favor. Enjoy all those advantages, but without insulting
 
 16 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 those who are unfortunate enough to want them, or even 
 doing anything unnecessarily that may remind them of that 
 want. For my own part, / am more upon my guard as to 
 my behavior to my servants, and ot/ters who are called my in- 
 feriors, than I am toward my equals ; for fear of being sus- 
 pected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring 
 to make others feel that difference which fortune has, and 
 perhaps, too, undeservedly, made between us." 
 
 Haste is the natural enemy of politeness. A man who is 
 in a hurry is seldom polite, and the constant high pressure 
 under which we all live has had its legitimate effect on our 
 manners. 
 
 A person who is in great haste necessarily appears selfish, 
 because he cannot stop to consider any one else, all his ener- 
 gies being bent on his own business of the moment. That 
 business may be in reality some deed of pure philanthropy 
 or utter unselfishness ; it will still make the doer appear 
 selfish if he is pursuing it at headlong speed. People will 
 avoid him, much as they get out of the way of a fire- 
 engine running at full speed through the streets. They 
 respect the mission of the tearing, rattling creature of steam, 
 but they don't want to get in its way. 
 
 A wise man therefore apportions his affairs in such a man- 
 ner as to leave a little leeway for possible contingencies, and 
 allows himself a certain amount of leisure time which can be 
 expended in speaking or listening to others if occasion shall 
 require it. Thus a man who has allowed himself five min- 
 utes more time than'he needs to catch a train, will be able to 
 stop and speak a few words if he meets an old friend on his 
 way ; whereas if he has left no margin, he must rush on, 
 with some hasty and half-heard apology, perhaps giving life- 
 long offence, and all for want of five minutes ! 
 
 What a picture Mrs. Stowe gives, in her " Oldtown Folks," 
 of one of these ever-hurried philanthropists, old Uncle
 
 INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 17 
 
 Fliakim ! His special mission is to drive around the country 
 and bring all the forlorn and feeble old women "to meeting," 
 arriving late, of course. 
 
 " The benevolence of his motives was allowed ; but why, 
 it was asked, must he always drive his wagon with a bang 
 against the doorstep just as the congregation rose to the first 
 prayer 1 It was a fact that the stillness which followed the 
 words ' Let us pray ' was too often broken by the thump of 
 the wagon and the sound ' Whoa, whoa ! take care, there ! ' 
 from without, as Uncle Fly's blind steed rushed headlong 
 against the meeting-house door, as if he were going straight 
 in, wagon and all." 
 
 Lord Chesterfield says, " Whoever is in a hurry, shows 
 that the thing he is about is too big for him." 
 
 The details of behavior and outward observance, what one 
 might call transient or minor manners, are certainly of great 
 importance, but of little real value unless they are founded 
 upon a true spirit of politeness. Where an arrogant and bru- 
 tal nature seeks to shield its essential qualities under a thin 
 varnish of good manners, the disguise is a poor one, and 
 deceives nobody permanently. 
 
 To master all the details of etiquette except by mingling in 
 the society of well-bred people is obviously impossible. One 
 cannot become polished unless by social friction, any more than 
 you can make a piece of marble shine without rubbing it. 
 
 A wise Frenchman has said : " Politeness is a quality 
 [qnalite] which a man living in society should acquire first 
 of all things. It is the key of all human relations, and 
 gives them their charm. The man who possesses only the 
 instruction of colleges may be but a sort of rustic in the 
 midst of a city. . . . There is a great difference between 
 civility and politeness. A man of the people, a simple peas- 
 ant even, can be civil ; it is only the man of the world who 
 can be polite."
 
 18 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 In democratic America we should not use quite such 
 strong language as this, but we recognize in a measure the 
 truth it contains. With us, it is but a half-truth, since the 
 absence of all distinctions of class and caste, the diffusion 
 of education, and the high level of general intelligence, unite 
 to put us on a par with one another far more than can be the 
 case in any European nation. 
 
 The manners of an American, imbued with the self-respect 
 which is the birthright of all our citizens, have a dignity 
 that would be sought vainly among a people who had grown 
 up with the idea of their own social inferiority forever hang- 
 ing over them. The danger with us is that the thoughtless 
 and ill-educated sometimes forget the respect they owe to 
 others, in their over-anxiety to claim what is due to them- 
 selves. Thus a Yankee coachman spoke of a gentleman who 
 was visiting his master as " that man," but called the driver 
 of the carriage "the gentleman." In the case of this Yankee, 
 self-respect was so abnormally developed that it had become 
 self-assertion, a very different quality from self-respect, and 
 resembling it as some grotesque caricature resembles the 
 original. 
 
 It has been well said that the source of good manners 
 to-day is found in respect for human nature, one's own and 
 that of others, heightened by a sense of the value of life, 
 and a desire to make the most of its opportunities for others 
 as well as for ourselves.
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE USES OF SOCIETY. 
 
 WHAT is the use of the thing called Society 1 What are 
 the objects for which men come together in social meetings 
 of various sorts 1 "Empty show and vulgar display, the 
 wish to marry their daughters and to advance their own 
 way in the world," cry the cynics. " Vanitas vanitatum " 
 they say of it all, and deny that it has any real use or gives 
 any real pleasure. 
 
 Yet these very same people who so decry what is techni- 
 cally called society in our great cities, usually have a society 
 of their own, a circle of friends whom they enjoy meeting 
 very much. Indeed, these carpers will often go themselves 
 to balls and parties, when they are invited, and will, to all 
 outward appearance, enjoy themselves as much as anybody. 
 If you speak to them on the subject, however, they Avill 
 say that it was all very great folly and nonsense, etc. ; that 
 they only went because So-and-so was kind enough to ask 
 them. 
 
 There are comparatively few people who do not really 
 enjoy society of some sort, though they may dislike that 
 which seems to them too showy or too formal. Even the 
 cynic Diogenes himself occasionally attended festive gather- 
 ings, and when asked what kind of wine he liked best, re- 
 plied, " That which is drunk at the expense of others." 
 
 Man is eminently a gregarious animal. Is not condemning
 
 20 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 him to pass his life in solitude the most terrible punishment 
 that can be bestowed on him, a punishment which has 
 often driven its victims into hopeless madness ? 
 
 It is true that Swift has said, " A wise man is never less 
 alone than when he is alone ; " but what a terrible commen- 
 tary on this saying was the lonely, unhappy life of its author 
 alone in the midst of crowds ! Thackeray says of him, " It 
 is awful to think of the great sufferings of this great man. 
 Through life he always seems alone, somehow. . . . The 
 giants must live apart. The kings can have no company. 
 But this man suffered so, and deserved so to suffer." And 
 again, " He was always alone ; alone and gnashing in the 
 darkness, except when Stella's sweet smile came and shone 
 upon him." Swift was alone, not because he did not mingle 
 with other men, but because he had little in common with 
 them. His genius lifted him far above ordinary people, while 
 his unhappy temper and disposition placed him far below 
 them in the moral scale. 
 
 Whether society is of any use to us must depend largely 
 on the spirit in which we go into it. If that spirit is purely 
 mercenary or selfish, it is not probable that we shall do our- 
 selves or any one else much good ; but if we go into the world 
 in the spirit of good-fellowship, meaning to have a good time 
 and to help others to have a good time, to be amused, in- 
 structed, cheered, or moved, as the occasion may demand, 
 then society will be both a pleasure and a benefit to us. 
 
 If you want to enjoy salt-water bathing, you don't go into 
 the ocean clad in a waterproof garment ; and if you wish to 
 enjoy society, you must n't enter it clad in a cast-iron armor 
 warranted sympathy-proof. If you enter it in the spirit 
 which Swift too often'showed, the unamiable one of bully- 
 ing and snubbing men and saying unkind things to women, 
 why, you will enjoy it about as much as he did, and quite 
 as well as you deserve to.
 
 THE USES OF SOCIETY. 21 
 
 Emerson says, " The delight in good company, in pure, 
 brilliant, social atmosphere, the incomparable satisfaction of 
 a society in which everything can be safely said, in which 
 every member returns a true echo, in which a wise freedom, 
 an ideal republic of sense, simplicity, knowledge, and thor- 
 ough good-meaning abide, doubles the value of life; . . . 
 the hunger for company is keen, but it must be discrimi- 
 nating, and must be economized." Would that we could 
 all hope to enjoy often such society as is here described, 
 and that we might be intellectually and morally capable of 
 appreciating it ! 
 
 One very positive use of society, though not the pleasant- 
 est one, is to teach us our own limitations, and to keep down 
 that self-conceit which, like a cork, is forever bobbing up to 
 the surface. 
 
 Narcissus met his foolish fate because he stayed alone, his 
 eyes and thoughts fixed on himself ; if he had been content 
 to dwell with other men, he would never have been the 
 victim of his own vanity. 
 
 Goldsmith says, "People seldom improve when they have 
 no other model but themselves to copy after." 
 
 The chief use of society, it seems to me, is threefold : 
 first, the amusement it affords, the relaxation from care so 
 necessary for every human being to have ; second, the good- 
 will and good-fellowship that it promotes between men and 
 their fellows ; and last, but not least, the sharpening of the 
 wits, the intensification of the intellectual powers, which it 
 brings to pass in many people. Even two chips of wood 
 if rubbed together will produce flame ; and even two dull 
 wits brought in contact with one another, will throw out 
 more light than either could do alone 1 . And when you 
 assemble in one company men of brilliant talents instead 
 of dullards, how dazzling is the effect ! The electric current 
 of intellectual sympathy runs through the assembly, and
 
 22 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 flashes of wit, the wit that is wisdom, of brilliant satire, 
 and of sparkling anecdote, delight the lookers-on at such a 
 contest of intellectual giants ! 
 
 Could we spare from our literature the brilliant things that 
 have been said in this world, and said in society, though not 
 always at court balls 1 Great as are the delights of the writ- 
 ten word, we cannot live upon them alone. Deaf-and-dumb 
 people are proverbially gloomy. All the treasures of litera- 
 ture may lie open before them, but the spoken word of their 
 fellows, the social word, they can never hear nor know save 
 in image and dumb-show. 
 
 In one of Plato's dialogues we have an exposition of the 
 value of the spoken word that is truly wonderful. Through 
 the mouth of Socrates he shows us how it may leaven the 
 whole world of thought. This would not be an astounding 
 discovery in our day, since the modern world knows that 
 Christianity was taught orally ; but that a Greek philosopher 
 of ancient times should have thought it out before the Chris- 
 tian Era, shows how profound was his reasoning, how keen 
 his insight ! These wonderful thoughts were worked out 
 largely in solitude ; but one must prepare for social life 
 in solitude, as one prepares for war in time of peace. 
 
 Madame de Stael said, " Fine society depraves the frivolous 
 mind and braces the strong one." Those who live for 
 society, to whom it is the end and object of their existence, 
 instead of merely a means of agreeable relaxation, and a 
 pleasant way of meeting their kind, such people may 
 fairly be considered frivolous, and incur the reproach of 
 dissipation. 
 
 The poet Cowper says : 
 
 " Man in society is like a flower 
 Blown in its native bed. 'T is there alone 
 His faculties expanded in full bloom 
 Shine out, there only reach their proper use. "
 
 THE USES OF SOCIETY. 23 
 
 Cynics like Byron may contend that society creates neither 
 good-feeling nor mutual kindness, but mankind knows better 
 than to believe them. 
 
 " Society itself, which should create 
 Kindness, destroys what little we had got : 
 To feel for none is the true social art 
 Of the world's stoics, men without a heart." 
 
 These lines express only a half-truth, not a whole one. 
 
 Even worldlings give us unconsciously a proof that society 
 promotes good-will among its members. Do not many of 
 them mingle in it with the avowed purpose of bettering 
 their fortunes or improving their business 1 Yet how could 
 this be if it only promoted ill-will and contempt among 
 its members 1 Do people help the fortunes of those whom 
 they dislike, or intrust their business to those whom they 
 despise 1 
 
 The man who affects to despise society, and yet mingles 
 in it to further his own ends, may or may not be a hypo- 
 crite, but he lays himself open to the charge of being a de- 
 signing person, who makes other people his dupes and tools. 
 
 It would be foolish to deny that there is a vast amount of 
 humbug and of empty pretence in society ; but there is 
 something more, something that we can ill do without. 
 
 Every one who has lived for any length of time in the real 
 country understands, as no dweller in towns can understand, 
 what a blessing society is to mankind. Is not suicide 
 especially common among farmers' wives, who cannot en- 
 dure the dreary solitude and endless round of toil in which 
 their lives are spent 1 Rustics coming to a great city are 
 like men who taste Avine for the first time, the crowds, 
 the life, the gayety, all intoxicate them ; they seem to be in 
 a dream of fairy enchantment from which, alas ! a rude 
 wakening follows only too speedily.
 
 24 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 It has been said that great men are horn in the country 
 and come to the city to live. This is not altogether true ; 
 hut most great men, and may I not say all great women, 
 have found their account in social rather than in solitary 
 life, and have preferred for the most part to dwell in cities. 
 
 Mrs. Howe in her treatise on " Modern Society " distin- 
 guishes between " society of representation " and genuine 
 society. The former is entirely a show-affair ; and the 
 extreme instance of it which she cites is found in the min- 
 isterial balls in Paris, where the guests are admitted by card, 
 and do not necessarily know their host and hostess, nor need 
 they make the latter's acquaintance. The whole is a grand 
 pageant, but no introductions are given, and no social fusion 
 takes place. 
 
 Mrs. Howe goes on to say, "Now, this I call society of 
 representation. It bears about the same relation to genuine 
 society that scene-painting bears to a carefully-finished pic- 
 ture. People of culture and education enjoy a peep at this 
 spectacular drama of the social stage, but their idea of society 
 would be something very different from this. Where this 
 show-society monopolizes the resources of a community, it im- 
 plies either a dearth of intellectual resources or a great mis- 
 apprehension of what is really delightful and profitable in 
 social intercourse. . . . No gift can make rich those who are 
 poor in wisdom. The wealth which should build up society 
 will pull it down if its possession lead to fatal luxury and 
 indulgence."
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 
 
 RICHARD GRANT WHITE, who was a man not inclined to 
 mince matters, boldly and calmly asserted that there was 
 no such thing as English grammar ! English grammar, in 
 the opinion of this gentleman, was only a sort of old- 
 fashioned myth, invented and kept alive by pedagogues 
 for the torture of unoffending youth of both sexes. 
 
 It has occurred to me that if some departed worthy of 
 the last century should again return to this earth and this 
 country, it would strike him that our grammar was well 
 enough, and our spelling really fine ; but as regards our 
 manners, would he be apt to observe that we had any in 
 particular ? I fear he would not ; certainly he would find 
 little to correspond with the manners of his own day. And 
 yet he would be greatly mistaken if he supposed that man- 
 ners had gone entirely out of fashion, lingering only in remote 
 places in the country, and surviving in the cities merely 
 among a few old-fashioned and conservative people. 
 
 The manners of the present day, despite a great deal that 
 is said against them, have a certain merit that is all their 
 own, the merit of frankness and honesty. Furthermore, 
 they fit the time, and suit the last quarter of the nineteenth 
 century much better than if we masqueraded in the courtly 
 and elaborate manners of our grandfathers, who were perhaps 
 a little more sentimental, a little more ideal than we are,
 
 26 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and whose ceremonies were not curtailed by the constant 
 necessity of catching trains. 
 
 It seems to me that frankness is one of the most striking 
 features of our modern manners. People have got tired of 
 all the formality, all the ceremony that was once thought 
 necessary to good breeding. The circumlocution office has 
 gone out of fashion in good society, which has discovered 
 that a straight line is the shortest distance between two 
 points. Curves, no doubt, are more beautiful than straight 
 lines ; but what would you 1 Curves take time ; and what 
 a pity it would be to lose time that might be so much more 
 profitably spent in the sacred business of amusement ! 
 
 We have lost our belief in many things in these days, and 
 among others, in lying, that is, in polite lying. Whether 
 this is from any access of virtue on our part is more than 
 doubtful. Perhaps it is rather that people just now value the 
 noble art of lying too highly to use it lightly. It is of course 
 needed constantly in business, so why waste it on mere mat- 
 ters of ceremony 1 Besides, the truth, after all, is more direct, 
 and easier to tell ; so, since the polite world has agreed to tell 
 it in many instances, what fashion is easier to follow 1 
 
 Ceremony is in a great measure humbug ; that is to say, 
 it consists largely in saying and doing things one does not 
 mean, and which the other side knows one doesuot mean. 
 Take, for instance, the Spanish custom of bestowing any 
 article that is admired, on the person who admires it. It 
 is perhaps a pretty little piece of acting ; but would it not 
 be difficult for one of our Northern race to go through this 
 polite humbug without a smile at the farce 1 Our directness 
 may be brutal, but it has this advantage, you know on 
 what ground you are standing. 
 
 A good illustration of the greater frankness of manners in 
 this day is, that it is no longer considered necessary to say 
 that you have had a good time, when taking leave of your
 
 FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 27 
 
 hostess after a dinner-party or other entertainment. What a 
 saving of white lies would have been effected if this simple 
 and self-evident rule had been adopted at the first primeval 
 tea-party ! 
 
 It is interesting to note that according to Buddhist tradi- 
 tion the first lie was told by a king, and was therefore no 
 doubt a white, or society lie. The citizens who heard it 
 were even more innocent than George Washington. He, at 
 least, knew what a lie was, if he did n't know how to tell 
 one ; but these poor people were utterly ignorant on the sub- 
 ject, and asked whether a lie was white, black, or blue ! It 
 is to be feared that the blue lie has disappeared from the face 
 of the earth, unless it survives in that kind of swearing which 
 is said to turn the air blue. 
 
 It was the custom, not so many years ago, for a hostess, 
 when bidding adieu to ladies calling upon her, to accompany 
 them as far as the door of the house. This fashion, like so 
 many others involving time and trouble, has gone out of 
 style, though some people still keep it up. As it prolongs 
 the agony of leave-taking indefinitely, and often keeps the 
 hostess standing in the cold of the open doorway, it would 
 seem to be a custom more honored in the breach than in the 
 observance. 
 
 But how different was the old-fashioned view of the matter ! 
 How well do I remember a most polite old lady in New York, 
 who has now been dead for many years ! She always insisted 
 upon opening the door for her visitors, the door through 
 which she herself had not ventured to pass for twenty years. 
 She was over eighty years of age, and very rheumatic ; but 
 she ivould do what politeness required of her, as long as she 
 could walk. 
 
 Another very noticeable change in manners is in the form 
 of address. It is no longer considered necessary, or even 
 the right thing, to say " Yes, madam," or " Yes, sir." The
 
 28 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 " Mum " in which Uncle Pumblechook delighted is a thing 
 of the past, and with it "ma'am," or "rn'in," is also depart- 
 ing from our midst. This is certainly carrying out the 
 Scriptural injunction, " Let your communication be yea, yea ; 
 nay, nay ; " but it is very doubtful whether the change is 
 due to any religious feeling or scruple. No, it is a simple 
 following of the English custom, though it fits well enough, 
 perhaps, with republican simplicity. 
 
 In the mouths of children, the simple monosyllables " yes " 
 and " no " certainly sound a little startling when addressed to 
 their elders ; but what would you ? Autre temps, autres mceurs. 
 It seems a pity to bring children up to use forms of expres- 
 sion that are fast becoming obsolete ; and the child who has 
 been taught from its earliest infancy to speak thus, sees no 
 impropriety or disrespect to age in so doing. 
 
 After all, when we look into the matter, " sir " is short for 
 " sire," a title savoring strongly of monarchies, and there- 
 fore to be avoided by good democrats, using the word in its 
 broad sense. " Madame," French Ma dame, " my lady," 
 is a hardly more desirable title in these days, when the word 
 " lady " has been so abused that those Avho perhaps have 
 the best claim to it use it but little, preferring the broader 
 term "woman," and for young lady, "girl." 
 
 There is something quite delightful in this abandonment of 
 the much-abused words " lady " and " gentleman " by those 
 to whom, in the old sense, the words exclusively applied. 
 They make no protest against " washer-ladies," or gentlemen 
 who need to be told " not to spit on the cabin floor, out of 
 respect for the ladies ; " but with quiet satire they are content 
 to call themselves simply men and women, as the English 
 nobleman signs himself " Argyle " or " Dufferiu." 
 
 In this country, where all are free and equal, and where 
 our forms of address are so simple and democratic, we do not 
 realize the caste spirit, the degradation and corresponding
 
 FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 29 
 
 elevation implied in the use of different persons of the verb 
 in European countries. An Italian a political refugee in 
 the old troublous times of Italy explained to his pupils 
 with considerable warmth that republicans in Italy repu- 
 diated as slavish the old mode of address, namely, the use 
 of the third person singular feminine, lei, or, as we should 
 say, " she." He said it meant sa majesta " her majesty " 
 and of course was a really servile mode of address not to be 
 tolerated by freedom-loving republicans. In the same way, 
 in Germany, only servants or inferiors are spoken to in the 
 second person plural. All others are addressed in the third 
 person plural, " they," save relatives and intimates, who 
 are called " thou." 
 
 Many of the changes in social customs that have taken 
 place in this country are owing to the great growth of society 
 itself. Formerly, when the country was comparatively small, 
 and people of good breeding comparatively rare, society, so 
 called, was very much smaller than it is now, and the relations 
 of those belonging to it were necessarily more personal, even 
 if more formal. The hostess felt more responsibility for the 
 entertainment of her guests, and took more pains to see that 
 they were amused and comfortable, than it is now customary 
 to take. The lady of the house was temporarily a social 
 queen, and her guests were her subjects ; now a party or a 
 ball is simply a republic where all are equal, at least, where 
 the fact of being hostess gives little title to distinction or 
 prominence. 
 
 As a logical result of these new theories the uncomforta- 
 ble custom of pressing your guests to eat, has been happily 
 relegated to past ages. It is assumed, and very properly, 
 that a guest is not, or ought not to be, afraid to eat as much 
 as he wants; so while everything on the table should be 
 handed to him, he should not be urged to eat this, that, or 
 the other.
 
 30 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 This idea of the propriety of pressing guests to eat or drink, 
 evidently had its origin in a more primitive state of society, 
 and in times when social gatherings were not so numerous 
 as now. The regular society habitue* of these days goes too 
 constantly into the gay world, to stand in the slightest awe 
 of his hostess, or of any one else, and is quite to be trusted 
 to look after his own interests. 
 
 Another custom in which we have improved on the ways 
 of our forefathers is that of allowing each person to pay for 
 himself, whether in public conveyances, or at the theatre 
 and other places of amusement. Of course this does not 
 apply to formal opera or theatre parties, where the invita- 
 tions all come from one person, who buys and pays for all 
 the tickets himself. But the theory that a ladyjs never to 
 be allowed to pay anything for herself, even in a horse-car, 
 is obsolescent, if not obsolete. A gentleman should certainly 
 offer to pay for a lady on such occasions, but he should not 
 insist upon doing so. If she evidently prefers to pay her 
 own way, she should be allowed that privilege, without a 
 prolonged discussion. It is no longer " good form " for two 
 people to vie with each other in politeness. 
 
 Still another evidence of the greater frankness and directness 
 of modern society, of the fact that matters are placed more 
 nearly on a business footing now than formerly, is to be found 
 in the change in methods of shopping. No one now has the 
 time or the inclination to haggle over prices when on a shop- 
 ping tour ; nor would it be of any use, in most cases, to do 
 so. And yet, in the times of our mothers and grandmothers, 
 " cheapening " was a necessary part of the art of purchasing. 
 
 Of course in the wholesale business it still prevails almost 
 without exception ; but let us rejoice that in ordinary shop- 
 ping, at least, we no longer need to fight these wordy and 
 long-winded battles where one party or the other surrenders 
 from sheer exhaustion.
 
 FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 31 
 
 There are some people who still persist in cutting down 
 every bill that is rendered to them ; but it is to be more 
 than suspected that their tradespeople soon come to un- 
 derstand this little weakness, and make the accounts out to 
 meet it.
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 
 
 WE do not often associate in our minds the famous Magna 
 Charta of English history, the source of so great a part of our 
 modern liberty, and the insignificant bits of pasteboard which 
 constitute modern visiting cards. Nevertheless, they come 
 from the same Greek root, signifying paper; or, to speak 
 more exactly, card is derived from charta (Greek ^apr^s). 
 Thus the sword is beat into the ploughshare, and the formal 
 instrument for fettering the caprices of tyrants softens into 
 the peaceful emblem of social recognition. 
 
 In the ancient " cartel of defiance " we find a more directly 
 hostile meaning to our word with a slight change in its 
 form than in charter. A cartel means, among other things, 
 a challenge to single combat. Ben Jonson says, " You shall 
 cartel him." Where two strangers quarrel, the one who has 
 reason to expect a challenge presents his opponent with his 
 card, so that the latter may know where to find him, a 
 pleasant little courteous preliminary to the most polite form 
 of murder, the duel. 
 
 Under ordinary circumstances, however, the exchange of 
 visiting cards is an eminently peaceful act, and would at 
 the first blush seem to be a very simple affair. But with 
 the perverse ingenuity in which the human mind delights, 
 mankind, or rather womankind, has involved even this ap-
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 33 
 
 parently innocent ceremony in a large amount of red tape 
 and confusion. Nothing would appear to be simpler than 
 for one neighbor to leave her card upon another ; but it is 
 just such apparently insignificant acts, such "first steps, " 
 that have embroiled nations in countless wars. 
 
 " Oh, what a tangled web we weave, 
 When first we practise cards to leave ! " 
 
 The following somewhat detailed account of visiting cards 
 and their chief uses is submitted, in the hope that it may 
 prove of use. It has been compiled from three sources, 
 personal experience ; the works on the subject written by the 
 best and most recent authorities ; and last, but not least, from 
 consultations with divers wise, witty, and fashionable women, 
 to whom all the " newest fads " on both sides of the water 
 are as familiar as A, B, C. 
 
 Visiting cards should be engraved in script, fine rather 
 than large, and should be of unglazed cardboard. They 
 should be perfectly plain, that is, without ornamentation of 
 any sort ; a fine, rather thin pasteboard is usually preferred 
 for them. Indeed, very little room for individual taste is 
 allowed in the matter of cards, which resemble each other 
 much as one dress-suit resembles the next. German text is 
 sometimes used for engraving the names, but it is more apt 
 to go out of style than plain script. Very fine lettering, 
 like any other singularity, is in bad taste. Gentlemen's 
 cards are smaller than ladies', and are also narrower in pro- 
 portion to their length. It was formerly a mooted point 
 whether a gentleman's visiting card looked better with or 
 without " Mr." prefixed to his name. Almost all young men 
 of fashion now use the " Mr.," which is considered to be in 
 better form. 
 
 For a lady there is no room for choice in the matter. She 
 must always use " Miss " or " Mrs." on her visiting card. If 
 
 3
 
 34 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 a young lady, she may use either her initials or her full name, 
 but never a nickname. " Miss Mamie Smith " on a card is 
 in very bad form. Nicknames are all very -well at home, or 
 among intimate friends, but they are out of place on a visit- 
 ing card because they are too familiar ; and a card is, or should 
 be, a formal matter. It is now the fashion for young ladies 
 to have their names printed in full, thus : 
 
 isViida 
 
 Indeed, every one who has a middle name, now displays it 
 on his or her card. 
 
 An army or navy officer, a physician, a judge, or a minister 
 may use his title on his card. For a physician, " M. D." is 
 preferable to " Dr.," because the latter is such a very vague 
 term, and means so many different things. Militia or com- 
 plimentary titles are not used on visiting cards, nor are 
 coats-of-arms. In this republican country it is considered 
 an affectation and in bad taste thus to make use of them. 
 
 Husband and wife do not often now have their names en- 
 graved on the same card, except for wedding cards, or for 
 sending wedding presents, etc. For visiting, each gentleman 
 of the family has his own card, although, sooth to say, he 
 seldom leaves it himself, intrusting that duty to his wife, his 
 mother, or his sisters. 
 
 Every one's card should have the address of the owner 
 engraved in the right-hand corner ; that is to say, the street 
 and the number where he lives, but not the name of the 
 city. If a lady lias a reception day, it is engraved usually 
 in the left-hand corner. The address is often omitted from 
 the cards of very young ladies, and sometimes from those of
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 35 
 
 married ladies, in which case the card of the husband, with the 
 address, must always be left. Young men belonging to a fash- 
 ionable or well-known club often put its name, instead of their 
 residence, on their cards. This is especially the case where 
 they do not live at home, but board or have rooms in the city. 
 
 A married lady should have her husband's full name or 
 his initials on her card, and not her own. Even where a 
 woman occupies a prominent position in the world of art or 
 letters she usually follows this rule, especially if she is at 
 the same time what is technically termed " a society woman." 
 Where the last name is not a very common one, a lady some- 
 times compromises the matter by using no initials, and calling 
 herself simply "Mrs. Dunbar." But she has not, strictly 
 speaking, a right to put " Mrs. Dunbar " on her card, unless 
 her husband is the eldest married man of his family, or be- 
 longs to the eldest branch of it. Thus, where there are two 
 brothers who are both married, the wife of the elder one only 
 can use " Mrs. Dunbar " on her card. But if her husband 
 has an uncle, even though he may be a younger man than 
 his nephew, this right belongs to his (the uncle's) wife. 
 
 The same rule holds good for unmarried ladies. The eld- 
 est single daughter of the eldest brother, and she alone, has 
 a right to use " Miss Cavendish " on her card, although she 
 may have a cousin who is much older than herself but who 
 is the daughter of a younger brother of the same family. 
 
 The existence of an aged aunt, or cousin belonging to an 
 elder branch, will deprive both young ladies of this coveted 
 privilege. 
 
 In this country, where we are considered by foreigners as 
 being so very radical, we are in reality more conservative in 
 the matter of merging a married woman's name in that of 
 her husband than are most European nations. An English- 
 woman of rank keeps her own title, where she marries a man 
 of inferior station. If Lady Evelina Stuart marries Mr. John
 
 36 
 
 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Smith, she becomes Lady Evelina Smith, and not Mrs. John 
 Smith. So, on the Continent, it is quite common for a 
 married woman to keep her maiden name in addition to her 
 husband's, the husband's name being placed first. 
 
 A widow has no legal right to use her husband's initials ; 
 but she often prefers to retain them on her card, and it is 
 entirely proper for her to do so, the question being one of 
 sentiment and feeling alone. Where a widow has a son 
 who is married, and whose name is the same as his father's, 
 there may arise some confusion, however, between the two 
 "Mrs. T. E. Jones," unless the elder lady puts "Sr." on 
 her cards, as she sometimes does. Widows often use their 
 own names or initials, as " Mrs. Mary Jones," and it is 
 perhaps less confusing for them to do so. 
 
 The custom of having the names of the daughter or 
 daughters engraved below that of their mother is growing 
 in favor. Thus : 
 
 i^WM 
 
 or 
 
 Indeed, those who are strict in the matter of etiquette say 
 that a young lady should not leave her own card without
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 37 
 
 that of her mother or chaperone during her first year in 
 society. English etiquette is much stricter ; according to its 
 rules a young lady has no card of her own, her name being 
 engraved on that of her mother. 
 
 When must one call personally, and when will it suffice 
 to send cards by a servant or through the post 1 These are 
 questions not so thoroughly settled in this country as in 
 Europe, where the social treadmill has been so long in full 
 operation that as a matter of necessity its laws have become 
 definitely fixed. 
 
 As society increases in size, there is a growing tendency in 
 our large cities toward simplifying the burden of social duties. 
 It is not now considered necessary to call in person under 
 various circumstances where formerly the rule was that one 
 must do so. Even the post-office is coming gradually into 
 requisition as an agent for discharging social obligations; 
 but as yet it is only sparingly used, and with definite 
 limitations. 
 
 Thus P. P. C. cards may be sent by mail, where the person 
 leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit. 
 Also, where one is unable to attend a reception, or an after- 
 noon tea, cards may be sent by mail (it is better to send 
 them by a messenger), to arrive on the day of the entertain- 
 ment. This relieves the sender from the necessity of making 
 a subsequent call ; indeed, the unspeakable advantage of 
 afternoon teas, kettledrums, and receptions is, that you enjoy 
 your party and make your visit all at the same time. It is 
 an economic device worthy the brain of a John Stuart Mill, 
 and possibly secretly invented by him. The great popularity 
 of afternoon teas no doubt arises from the fact that they are 
 time-saving institutions. 
 
 Usually the servant who opens the door on these occasions 
 has a little silver salver in his hand for the cards of guests ; 
 otherwise, guests leave their cards on the hall table, as a
 
 38 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 reminder to their hostess, who can hardly be expected to 
 remember, after a large reception, every one who has been 
 there. 
 
 When should P. P. C. cards be left or sent ? P. P. C., it 
 is hardly necessary to say, means Pour Prendre Conge" (to 
 take one's leave). Sometimes it is abbreviated thus, P. p. c., 
 or p. p. c., but the capitals are used oftener than the small 
 letters. These cards are used when one is going away from 
 a place either permanently or for quite a length of time ; and 
 " P. P. C." is written in a corner of the card, usually the lower 
 right-hand one, to emphasize this fact. One does not leave 
 them, however, when about to go out of town for the summer, 
 since this is only a brief absence, and an absence that is made 
 by most people. On the other hand, it is quite proper to 
 send or leave P. P. C. cards when one goes away from a 
 watering-place or other summer resort, especially if the people 
 to whom you send them do not live in the same city or town 
 with yourself during the rest of the year. The obvious reason 
 for the propriety of sending these cards in lieu of making a 
 personal visit is, that when people go away they are almost 
 always hurried ; indeed, they are often obliged to leave very 
 suddenly, and under such circumstances that making visits 
 would be an impossibility. 
 
 Gentlemen in New York often send their cards by post, 
 instead of calling, on New Year's Day, now that New Year's 
 calls are going so rapidly out of fashion there. Some people 
 do not approve of this custom, and think that a gentleman 
 should either call, or take no notice of the day. 
 
 But there are certain visits which must be made personally 
 if one does not wish to break the rules of good society and 
 perhaps deeply offend people. After one has been invited 
 to a dinner-party, one must call within a week after the occa- 
 sion, call in person, and ask if the hostess is at home. A 
 dinner-party is one of the most solemn obligations of society ;
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 39 
 
 if you accept an invitation to one, only death or mortal 
 illness is a legitimate excuse for not attending it, and you 
 must have nearly as good a reason for not calling promptly 
 after it. 
 
 According to the strict rule, one should also call within a 
 week after any entertainment to which one has been invited ; 
 but this is often impossible, and resembles one of those rules 
 ia the Latin Grammar which have such a long list of " ex- 
 ceptions " that the rule itself seems quite dwarfed and insig- 
 nificant beside them. The actual or " working " rule is that 
 one calls, after every invitation, as soon as is practicable. In 
 Xew York, it is allowable to send your card, although people 
 of the old-fashioned sort would hardly think it the right thing 
 to do. In Boston, it is more the custom to call in person, 
 and very properly, because Boston is a smaller city, and the 
 distances are not so immense as in New York, whose extreme 
 narrowness of shape increases the effect of its great size. A 
 pious subterfuge is practised, however, in the Puritan City 
 and elsewhere, by which you send your empty carriage, the 
 footman accompanying it and leaving cards. 
 
 Society holds young people, and people who have plenty 
 of leisure time, much more strictly to account in the matter 
 of visiting than it does elderly persons, or those whose hands 
 are so full that they have comparatively little time to give 
 to the claims of social life. A young mother with a nursery 
 full of little ones, a literary woman, an artist, a professional 
 woman, all these are allowed a certain immunity from 
 social duties. But no young lady must expect to find herself 
 excused from paying calls because she is " too busy having a 
 good time." If she can go to a party to amuse herself, she 
 must call afterwards to acknowledge the attention her hostess 
 has paid her by the invitation. 
 
 How often is it necessary to pay formal calls ] Where no 
 invitations have been received, once a year is all that the
 
 40 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 strict rules of society require in large cities. According to 
 some authorities it is sufficient for such a formal call to leave 
 cards at the door, or even to send them in an envelope ; but 
 it certainly seems more cordial and friendly to make the 
 yearly call in person, and to ask at the door if the ladies are 
 receiving, if one can possibly spare the time to do so. 
 
 As many servants in this country cannot reconcile it to 
 their consciences to say a lady is " not at home " when she 
 is in the house, it is often a wise precaution for the visitor 
 to ask if the ladies are receiving on that day. Thus the con- 
 science of Betty, which is curiously tender on this one point, 
 considering her habitual views of truth, is spared, and the 
 caller is often relieved from the necessity of making a formal 
 call for which she perhaps has not really time. The servant 
 too, from the form of the inquiry, and from seeing cards in 
 the visitor's hands, is enabled to distinguish between a 
 ceremonious caller and a friend of her mistress who really 
 wishes to see the lady of the house. 
 
 Where there are several ladies in the house, it is usual for 
 a caller to leave two cards ; even three are sometimes left, 
 where there is some stranger also staying in the house. But 
 do not be too prodigal with your pasteboard, because that 
 would seem a little ostentatious, a little like "overdoing." 
 It is said that one lady should never leave more than three 
 of her own cards at the same house ; she may of course 
 leave cards for the other members of her family, in modera- 
 tion. It is becoming quite customary for a wife to leave her 
 husband's cards, and indeed for any lady to leave the cards 
 of the gentlemen of her family even when she herself is ad- 
 mitted and pays her visit. In this case she leaves them on 
 the hall table. 
 
 The custom of receiving on a certain day in the week is 
 a sensible and hospitable one, but alas ! it takes up a great 
 deal of time. Where a lady thus sets apart a certain day for
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 41 
 
 receiving her friends, it is much more polite to call on that 
 day of the week when it is possible to do so. Especially is 
 this the case when the ladies of one neighborhood or of one 
 street fix on the same day for receiving friends. But the 
 case is quite otherwise when a lady sends out cards announc- 
 ing that she is " at home " on " Wednesdays in January and 
 February." If one knows that a lady has thus issued cards 
 for a series of receptions, even though they be quite informal 
 occasions, one should avoid calling on those particular days 
 unless one has received a card with the necessary invitation. 
 
 The custom of sending out cards for a certain day through- 
 out one month is a very good one ; a lady is thus enabled 
 to receive her friends very informally, without giving up a 
 great deal of her time, and she also avoids the " crash " that 
 is apt to ensue if she gives only a single afternoon tea or 
 reception. 
 
 The custom of cornering cards or turning them down at 
 one end is going out of fashion. This is certainly cause for 
 rejoicing, because the exact meanings of the various turnings 
 have never been clearly established and understood in this 
 country, as they are in Europe. 
 
 According to the doctrine that is usually received here, the 
 turning down of one end (ordinarily the right end) indicates 
 that you have called in person, while turning down one 
 corner, usually the right upper one, means that the card is 
 left for more than one person. Old-fashioned authorities in- 
 sist that a card ought always to be turned down across the 
 whole end, or else the recipient will suppose that the visitor 
 has not called in person. This may have been true ten or 
 fifteen years ago ; it certainly is not true now. The custom 
 of to-day is to leave the cards without any turnings, unless 
 in calling upon people of the old school, in which case a 
 lady would be apt to turn down her card, lest it might be 
 supposed that she had not come in person.
 
 42 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 If she happened to have only one card remaining, and 
 there was a visitor staying in the house, she would impress 
 on the servant's mind that the card was meant for both 
 ladies, or she might write on it " For Mrs. Jenckes and Mrs. 
 Appleton." Where only one card is left, it is always held 
 to be for the lady of the house. 
 
 After a removal from one part of a city to another, it is 
 now becoming customary for ladies to send cards engraved 
 with their new address to all their circle of acquaintance. 
 These cards serve instead of a personal visit, as people evi- 
 dently cannot make calls in the confusion consequent upon 
 moving, and settling in a new house. 
 
 Although authorities differ on many subjects connected 
 with manners, they all agree in saying that first calls should 
 be promptly returned, within a week, under ordinary cir- 
 cumstances. Brides who upon their marriage go to live in 
 another city sometimes give great offence by neglecting to 
 return visits of this sort : and it is entirely reasonable and 
 natural that those who pay a first call, which is equivalent 
 to an offer to make one's acquaintance, should feel hurt if 
 their advance is not recognized and reciprocated. 
 
 In America, it is the usual custom for residents of a city 
 or town to call first upon new-comers. Washington is a 
 well-known exception to this rule, the strangers calling first, 
 as indeed they do in most European cities. 
 
 It is also the custom in some cities for the older residents 
 in a certain street or neighborhood to call upon those who 
 have recently moved to that part ; I need hardly say that 
 these latter should by all means return such calls. The good 
 old custom of interchanging neighborly civilities should cer- 
 tainly not be allowed to die out. It is not necessary to 
 become intimate with your neighbors if they are not people 
 who are sympathetic to you; but for two families to live 
 next door to one another year after year, and never to show
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIB USES. 43 
 
 any token of mutual good-will, or perhaps even of mutual 
 recognition, argues that their civilization is below that of 
 rustics. Indeed, it would probably be considered as bad 
 form even in Ashantee. 
 
 Except in the case of neighbors, a lady needs however to 
 be very cautious about making first calls unless she is cer- 
 tain that her acquaintance will be considered desirable by 
 those whom she visits in this way. Thus if Mrs. A. is a 
 woman of greater wealth or higher social position than Mrs. 
 B., the latter will hesitate to call first upon the former un- 
 less she is asked to do so, for fear she may be thought 
 pushing. 
 
 Where society is divided into certain cliques or sets, as is 
 too often the case in our cities, a lady belonging to the less 
 fashionable clique should hesitate long before calling upon 
 one of a more fashionable circle, even though she may have 
 been introduced to the other lady, and may have met her 
 a number of times on social or other occasions. 
 
 It is simply a question of the Golden Rule, which applies 
 more to social customs than the unthinking realize or per- 
 ceive. Do not call first on any one who your common sense 
 tells you would in all probability prefer not to make your 
 acquaintance, or, if that is already made, not to add you to 
 her visiting list. True, this is mortifying to one's vanity, but 
 it does one's vanity good to trample on it occasionally ; and 
 if we do this unpleasant office for ourselves, others will be less 
 likely to do it for us. Vanity, moreover, can be well repressed 
 without in the least injuring self-respect, which is a very 
 different quality. 
 
 First calls must be returned personally as well as promptly, 
 in order that you may not appear to slight those who have 
 made the first demonstration of courtesy. A lady does not 
 wish to be outdone in politeness even by some one whose 
 acquaintance she may not especially desire.
 
 44 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 But if the lady who calls first only leaves her card, then 
 the second lady responds by leaving her card in like manner ; 
 or if the first merely sends her card through the post, then 
 the second does likewise. 
 
 An important exception to this rule is made where the lady 
 who sends her cards through the post sends at the same time 
 an invitation to some entertainment at her house. As this 
 expresses more good-will and is a greater compliment than 
 the making of a formal call, the second lady should receive 
 the courtesy in the spirit in which it was meant. She should 
 call very soon after the entertainment, and in person, since a 
 first invitation is a more formal matter than subsequent ones, 
 just as a first call is ; and both must be responded to with 
 special formality. 
 
 In making a first call, a card should be left for each lady 
 of the family ; where there are several young ladies who are 
 sisters, and their mother is living, it suffices to leave two 
 cards, one for the mother and one for the daughters. A 
 lady also leaves the cards of her own immediate family, in 
 making the first call of the season, including those of her 
 husband. 
 
 One married lady in calling upon another leaves two of 
 her husband's cards, one for the lady of the house and the 
 other for the husband. Even if admitted, the caller leaves 
 these cards on the hall table. 
 
 People who are in mourning should have a black border 
 on their visiting cards ; it is en regie to leave cards for people 
 in affliction, though one should make inquiries at the door, 
 and not ask for admittance, where one is not an intimate 
 friend of the family. These cards of condolence are answered 
 by enclosing mourning cards and sending them to people 
 who have called in this way, after a proper lapse of time ; 
 that is, when the mourners feel ready to receive visits once 
 more.
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 45 
 
 One should also call, or at least send cards, when an en- 
 gagement is announced, or when a marriage has taken place, 
 in the family of an acquaintance. When a friend or acquaint- 
 ance has made a prolonged absence, in Europe or elsewhere, 
 it is usual to call upon her ; but it is equally proper for the 
 person who has been absent to make the first call if she pre- 
 fers to do so. Society is growing so large in our great cities, 
 and is likewise so self-absorbed, that the latter course is the 
 wiser one if a lady wishes to recall herself to people's minds. 
 She may naturally expect her intimate friends to make the 
 first call ; but she should not feel hurt if others neglect to 
 do so. 
 
 It is the custom in New York, if not elsewhere, for people 
 who are temporarily staying in the city to send their cards, 
 with address upon them, to those whom they wish to have 
 call ; otherwise they might remain for weeks without their 
 friends being at all aware of their presence in the city. Cards 
 should not be sent in this way to mere acquaintances, how- 
 ever, unless they have especially expressed the desire to be 
 informed of one's arrival. 
 
 Where one is invited to any entertainment by a new ac- 
 quaintance, one should leave cards without delay, according 
 to rule ; but this is a canon which is certainly often violated. 
 At least one should be very particular to call within a week 
 after the event, even if one has also left cards upon receiving 
 the invitation. 
 
 Those who send invitations to people to whom they owe 
 calls which they have been unable to pay, sometimes enclose 
 their cards with the invitation, thus showing that the call has 
 been omitted from the pressure of time and circumstances, 
 but not with intention to neglect. This should always be 
 done when inviting those on whom one has never called, 
 although the better way would be to call before sending the 
 invitation.
 
 46 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 The hours for formal calling differ in different cities, 
 though there seems to be a growing tendency in New York 
 and Boston to make the calling hours later and later. A re- 
 cent authority says that from four to six is the proper time to 
 make ceremonious calls in New York ; but many people call 
 earlier than this, and in the short winter days it is surely 
 allowable to make visits at least as early as three o'clock. 
 
 One should carefully avoid the lunch or dinner hour in call- 
 ing even upon friends, and of course much more in the case of 
 acquaintances. Where one has been told, however, to call at 
 the lunch-hour, one is naturally at liberty to do so. People 
 sometimes say, " Our lunch-hour is so-and-so ; come and see 
 me then, and you will be sure to find me at home." In such 
 a case it is perfectly proper to go at the hour named ; but 
 if the friend is at lunch it is not polite to detain her. "Word 
 should be sent in that one will wait till the meal is over. 
 If the friend comes out and asks you to the lunch-table, you 
 should go in without peradventure, or else take your leave at 
 once. It is very thoughtless, if not positively ill bred, to 
 play the part of dog-in-the-manger, and by refusing to comply 
 with your friend's request, compel her to delay or go without 
 her meal ; and yet it is a thing that is often done, from want 
 of thought. 
 
 Calling has become so ceremonious, and has grown to con- 
 sist so largely of a simple exchange of cards, that a practice 
 of making informal calls in the morning iipon friends and 
 intimates is coming much into vogue in our large cities. For 
 these unceremonious visits a lady should not wear an elabo- 
 rate toilette. Unless one is extremely intimate with a friend, 
 however, it is best not to call at a very early hour, before 
 twelve or one o'clock for instance. 
 
 A lady should always carefully consider her friends' occu- 
 pations, habits, and ways of life, and should avoid making 
 even a very friendly visit at an hour whei she knows the
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 47 
 
 person in question will probably be otherwise engaged. It 
 may seem perhaps superfluous to mention such self-evident 
 facts as these ; but the truth is that it is just such rules that 
 are often violated by well-bred people who are either thought- 
 less or selh'sh. " Save me from my friends " is a saying 
 whose use is not yet accomplished and done with. Many 
 people who would start back in horror at the mere thought of 
 committing any breach of certain conventional rules, will 
 wantonly violate the ethical and unwritten laws of good 
 breeding without hesitation. 
 
 Thus, ladies in the country will make calls upon a friend 
 in the morning hours, when they are well aware that the 
 said friend has only one, or perhaps no servant, and is 
 obliged to be busied over her housework. If the thought- 
 less caller happens to be rich in the goods of this world, 
 and drives up to the friend's door in her carriage, she will be 
 almost certain to mortify the other's feelings by her untimely 
 arrival. 
 
 There is a certain gentleman in New York who moves in 
 what is considered the best society, and who is very punc- 
 tilious in most matters of ceremony ; but he frequently enters 
 the houses of his friends without first paying his respects to 
 the door-mat. Well, possibly such men are to be found out 
 of New York too. Other gentlemen endeavor to " sit each 
 other out " when calling, although they know perfectly well 
 that according to the laws of good manners the first-comer 
 should be the first to take his leave. 
 
 According to strict rules, a gentleman should never call 
 upon a young lady without asking also for her mother or 
 chaperone ; but where a young man knows a young lady 
 very well this formality is apt to be dispensed with. Society 
 in America is growing more strict on this subject, however, 
 than it used to be, and the chaperone is gradually assuming 
 larger and larger powers, and taking more and more the posi-
 
 48 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 tion of an English or Continental matron. It is a question 
 upon which there is a wide difference of opinion, and of 
 which more will be said in another chapter. 
 
 Certainly in making a formal call a gentleman should ask 
 for the lady of the house as well as for the young ladies, and 
 should leave cards for her and also for the gentlemen of the 
 family. Although business men seldom make calls in person 
 and cannot reasonably be expected to do so, a young man of 
 leisure or a college student is not so easily excused for thus 
 neglecting his social duties. 
 
 A gentleman should never call on a lady unless she has 
 asked him to do so v or he has asked and received her leave 
 to come. If he brings a letter of introduction, he may of 
 course call, or if an intimate friend of the house one who 
 has a right to introduce people there brings him. A lady 
 is at liberty to ask a gentleman to call if she wishes to do so, 
 although a young lady should not give such an invitation 
 until she knows him quite well, and should always phrase it 
 in such a way as to show that not she alone but her mother 
 also would be pleased to receive the visit. " We should be 
 glad to see you on any Wednesday afternoon," or, " I hope 
 we shall see you at our house." Strictly speaking, such an 
 invitation should come from the chaperone, and not from the 
 young lady. 
 
 A gentleman is required to call at once upon receiving an 
 invitation from a new acquaintance or a stranger, and also to 
 call after the entertainment. But if he answers the invitation 
 promptly, and calls soon after the gay event, whatever it may 
 be, he does as well as most American gentlemen do ; foreign 
 etiquette is more stringent than ours on this, as on many 
 other points. 
 
 It is quite permissible to leave cards without asking for 
 the ladies of the house, where one is much pressed for time 
 or has any special reason for not doing so ; but it is not
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 49 
 
 allowable on a lady's regular reception day, since this would 
 imply that you did not care to see her. 
 
 This does not conflict with the rule in accordance with 
 which one sends cards when invited to a special reception if 
 unable to attend it. In this latter case the card is sent in 
 acknowledgment of the invitation, serving also as a substi- 
 tute for personal attendance. But while one may very easily 
 be prevented from attending special receptions, one has not 
 the same excuse where a lady has a regular day for receiving 
 her friends throughout the season. 
 
 When one lady calls upon another whom she already 
 knows, and when she finds the latter at home, she should 
 not send up her card, but should merely give her name to 
 the servant. This is English etiquette, and is also according 
 to strict rule in this country. Nevertheless, cards often are 
 sent up, either through a blunder of the servant or because 
 that functionary looks so hopelessly stupid as to show that 
 no name would be safe in his keeping for two minutes. In 
 very stylish houses the servant announces the name of each 
 visitor, where the lady of the house is already in the drawing- 
 room. 
 
 It is not strictly necessary to leave cards upon the hall 
 table where one is admitted to pay a visit, but it is very 
 customary to do so, especially in New York. A card so left 
 is intended merely as a reminder to the lady of the house 
 that she may not forget who have called upon her. "When 
 calling upon a stranger, a lady should send in her card, but 
 she must never, under any circumstances, hand it to her 
 hostess. 
 
 It is considered uncivil not to see a caller who has once 
 been admitted to the house, unless there is some very strong 
 reason for not doing so ; hence it is very desirable to give 
 servants clear directions as to what they shall say to visitors, 
 so that no one shall be admitted by mistake. But it is also
 
 50 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 very unpleasant to people who are making calls if they are 
 ohliged to wait a long time before seeing the hostess ; there- 
 fore where one cannot appear for some little time, it is hetter 
 to send word to the visitor that Mrs. So-and-so will be very 
 happy to see her if she can wait five or ten minutes, as the 
 case may be. 
 
 It is certainly very uncivil to keep a caller waiting for 
 any length of time ; if one cannot make one's appearance 
 promptly, it is usually best not to detain a visitor. I have 
 known elderly ladies to be very much annoyed when kept 
 waiting in this way. 
 
 Where a caller has been admitted by mistake, and one can- 
 not come down to receive the visit, the servant should be 
 told to apologize for her mistress, and if the latter is just 
 going out, or is lying down, the servant may very properly 
 say so. Where the servant is uncertain whether or not her 
 mistress is at home to visitors, it is usual to send up a 
 card, although it is perhaps better form to send up the name 
 only. 
 
 It is not considered polite to call upon a friend who is 
 staying at another person's house, without leaving cards for 
 the hostess also, even if the latter is a stranger to you ; other- 
 wise you appear to be making a convenience of some one 
 else's house. 
 
 If admitted, it is usual for the caller in the course of 
 her visit to ask whether or not the lady of the house will 
 see her. While one must be careful to pay all due con- 
 sideration to the hostess of a friend, one must also avoid 
 forcing one's acquaintanceship upon her if she appears not 
 to desire it, or if there is reason to suppose that she will not 
 desire it. 
 
 The Countess * * * says in her book, " If there are visitors 
 staying in the house, it is better to distinguish the cards in- 
 tended for them by writing their names above your own."
 
 VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 51 
 
 This could only be done when the ladies were not at home ; 
 and in America it is considered in better form not to write 
 the names thus, unless when calling at a hotel. Still, it is 
 sometimes done, "For Mrs. Roderick," or whoever the visitor 
 may be, being written on the upper part of the card with a 
 black lead-pencil. It is considered inelegant to write with a 
 colored pencil, just as it is to use colored ink. 
 
 There should always be a special place the hall table 
 usually for the cards of the day, and the servant should be 
 instructed to leave them there until his mistress has seen 
 them. She can then tell by their number whether the calls 
 were intended for her visitor as well as for herself. 
 
 A young lady who is visiting at the house of a friend 
 should not invite gentlemen to call upon her, without asking 
 her hostess whether it will be convenient and agreeable to 
 have them do so. She should also ask the ladies of the 
 house to come down and have the gentlemen presented to 
 them, lest she may appear to be selfish in receiving her 
 callers, or to be doing so in a clandestine way. 
 
 Gentlemen leave their umbrellas in the hall, but bring 
 their canes and hats into the drawing-room with them, in 
 making morning calls, unless in houses where they are on 
 the footing of friends. As a gentleman is not allowed to 
 deposit these cumbrances anywhere save on the floor close 
 to his chair, their management requires some little tact, or 
 else the awkward man may step into his hat, and the forgetful 
 one may depart without his cane. In making evening calls 
 in New York, gentlemen now wear evening dress. 
 
 A lady rises when visitors enter, but need not cross the 
 room to receive them unless she wishes to do so. If they 
 are old friends, or people much older than herself, if they 
 are persons of distinction, or if the lady who is receiving is 
 of a very cordial disposition, she will be apt to go to meet 
 them.
 
 52 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 But there is no universal rule on this point, and a lady 
 may fitly follow the promptings of her own nature in the 
 matter, taking care that she errs neither on the side of too 
 great effusiveness nor, still worse, on that of over-formality. 
 She should endeavor to pay equal attention to all her guests 
 as far as is possihle, and to have a few words at least with each 
 of them. 
 
 Where a second visitor arrives after the first has already 
 made a call of sufficient length, the visitor who came first 
 should take her leave soon after the arrival of the second 
 comer, but not instantly. 
 
 For a formal call, about fifteen minutes is usually con- 
 sidered the proper length of time ; one may prolong it to 
 half an hour occasionally, but only under "favorable cir- 
 cumstances," since it is far better to take one's leave before 
 people begin to wish that one would go. Emerson says : 
 " 'T is a defect in our manners, that they have not reached 
 the prescribing a limit to visits. That every well dressed 
 lady or gentleman should be at liberty to exceed ten minutes 
 in his or her call on serious people shows a civilization still 
 rude."
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 INVITATIONS. 
 
 IN writing an invitation, it is an excellent plan to " make 
 the punishment fit the crime," or, in plain English, to write 
 your invitation in such terms that the recipient shall under- 
 stand just what it means, just what sort and size of occasion 
 he is invited to attend. 
 
 This does not go against the fact that there are certain 
 prescribed modes and forms in which it is customary, and 
 therefore best, to write invitations. But some people, wish- 
 ing to make a party as informal as possible, invite their 
 guests with less formality than the size of the occasion war- 
 rants ; hence there is often a great diversity of dress, some 
 of the guests learning beforehand how large the party will 
 really be, and others supposing it will be limited to a very 
 few persons. Hence heart-burnings and mortification often 
 ensue, since most ladies, particularly very young ladies, pre- 
 fer to be dressed neither with more nor with less elaborate- 
 ness than others who are present with them. 
 
 Another cause for the undervaluation which people used to 
 put on their entertainments more than they do now, was the 
 old-fashioned idea of humility as being a necessary adjunct 
 of politeness. All this has been much modified in the man- 
 ners of to-day, whose frankness I have spoken of elsewhere 
 as being one of their pronounced features. Still, even now 
 it requires some knoAvledge of the uses of society to know just 
 what a form of invitation means ; and a society habitue^ him- 
 self often cannot tell just what the size or form of an enter- 
 tainment will be.
 
 54 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Be explicit, therefore, within the bounds of politeness, in 
 your invitations ; let them all be uniform, not some verbal 
 and others written, and write them, or have them en- 
 graved, in plenty of time. Some hostesses do not send out 
 their invitations until the eleventh hour, and are then disap- 
 pointed because people do not come. 
 
 The length of time beforehand that an invitation should be 
 sent, depends on the formality and size of the occasion. For 
 a ball, two weeks is the usual time, and it is the same with 
 any very ceremonious occasion, a large dinner-party or a 
 formal luncheon. 
 
 People judge a little, and properly, of the size and formal- 
 ity of an entertainment from this "lapsed time" between 
 the receipt of the invitation and the occasion itself, but it is 
 not an infallible guide. If you invite your guests a long 
 time in advance of the event, they naturally infer that it is 
 one for which you yourself will make elaborate preparations, 
 or one that they will specially wish to attend, and that there- 
 fore they are notified of it in good season. 
 
 Engraved cards and note-paper are very much used at the 
 present day, both as being more elegant (in the true sense of 
 the word) and more convenient than writing so many invita- 
 tions. Per contra, for dinners it is quite fashionable to write 
 notes in the first person, even where one has only a slight 
 acquaintance with the person invited. This is the vogue of 
 the present moment, and does not apply to very large and 
 ceremonious dinner-parties. 
 
 In writing invitations, be very careful to write names and 
 dates distinctly. I have known some unhappy instances 
 where the guest arrived " the day after the fair " because he 
 mistook "Tuesday" for "Monday" in the note of invitation. 
 
 It need hardly be said that these notes should be written 
 very carefully in all respects, notably that of spacing cor- 
 rectly, where the invitation is a formal one, written in the
 
 INVITATIONS. 55 
 
 third person. Thus, "Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Jenks" must 
 not be separated, even in a note of invitation; the whole 
 phrase must be written on the same line. 
 
 Another point to be observed in writing is, not to mix up 
 your second and third persons. Thus, it would not be allow- 
 able to write 
 
 / s 
 
 of uo4 comnanu. 
 
 / & / ff 
 
 It is permitted to employ this form in engraved invitations, 
 although it is not correct, grammatically speaking. No doubt 
 the use of it is considered allowable in engraved invitations 
 for large parties or balls, because it is so convenient, and 
 saves the trouble of filling in the names. 
 
 * x/ y/ y^/ y / 
 
 teattedfo tne yweaAaie of tne ccmManu of 
 
 & / / / ff / 
 
 '*. 
 
 ntna, :zl)ecemvel, twenty - 
 
 r ff 
 
 at nwe e cwcn. 
 
 is a correct form for an invitation to a large party or ball ; the 
 R. S. V. P. is often omitted. The name of the hostess only
 
 56 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 should be used for all occasions save weddings and dinners. 
 For these, the invitations should always run in the name of 
 both host and hostess. 
 
 No matter how large or grand a ball you contemplate giv- 
 ing, you must not mention the word " ball " in your invita- 
 tions ; neither must you invite people to " a party," using 
 that word. Some of the English books on manners give ex- 
 press permission to use the phrase " evening party " in invi- 
 tations, but it is not done in these United States. We all 
 know, to be sure, that " Hans Breitman gave a party," but 
 the lamentable consequences which followed it prevent us 
 from doing likewise. No doubt the reason we do not use 
 these objectionable words is from an old notion that it is well 
 to assume the forms at least of modesty and humility, even if 
 we do not possess the virtues themselves. 
 
 For public balls it is allowable and usual to call a spade 
 a spade, and to use the word " ball," because the affair being 
 a public one, no arrogance is displayed by any individual in 
 using the proper term. Instead of " Dancing," " Cotillon " 
 may be engraved in the left-hand corner when there is to be a 
 german ; or the hour may be added, " Cotillon at ten." 
 
 t^HU. valet 
 f tgj& 
 
 fatutatu twenty -mt'ta. 
 <f s S 
 
 This form is preferred very often to the one given on the 
 preceding page, and saves the trouble of writing in the names. 
 It is always easy to learn from first-class stationers what are
 
 INVITATIONS. 57 
 
 the customary forms to be used for invitations for various oc- 
 casions, and to have the cards or note-paper engraved either 
 in whole or in part. It is quite a convenience for ladies who 
 entertain frequently, to have these forms engraved, with 
 spaces left for the date and the names of guests. 
 
 Invitation cards should be perfectly plain, and engraved 
 in plain script. The same is true of the engraved note-paper 
 which is now used largely instead of cards. This paper is 
 always white, and rather heavy. It may have a coat-of- 
 arms, or monogram, or^both, embossed in Avhite, but colored 
 designs have gone out of fashion for this purpose. Perfectly 
 plain envelopes also are now used for invitations. If they 
 are sent by post, two envelopes should always be sent. 
 
 In England, it is entirely proper to send invitations through 
 the post-office, and the custom is such a sensible and excel- 
 lent one that it is growing in favor in this country. When we 
 remember how often messenger boys "post letters in a snow- 
 bank," in case of any difficulty about finding the address, we 
 ought to be more willing to trust to the paternal Government, 
 with its efficient public servants especially trained to solve 
 riddles in the way of addresses. 
 
 The English, who ape French customs less than we do, 
 use the phrase " The favor of an answer is requested," instead 
 of R. S. V. P. (Repondez S'il Vous Plait). 
 
 Never use ruled paper either for writing or answering in- 
 vitations, or indeed for any letters save business communica- 
 tions. Probably the reasons in accordance with which ruled 
 paper is considered to be in such bad style are : First, be- 
 cause it seems commercial, and our society, like the English, 
 still has a horror of anything that smacks of trade. When it 
 is considered how largely our aristocracy, so far as we have 
 any, is founded upon trade, and composed of people whose 
 fortunes were all made in business, this little prejudice ap- 
 pears somewhat unreasonable. But beware of trifling with
 
 58 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 prejudices ! It is more dangerous than meddling with prin- 
 ciples, as all men of the world know. The second reason 
 for which ruled paper is tabooed as a part of the furniture 
 of the writing-desk, is because its use implies that the writer 
 does not know how to write straight without lines, and every 
 lady and gentleman ought to be able to do that. Then, 
 ruled paper looks cheap, and " is used by everybody." 
 
 An English gentleman, a scion of the nobility, quite hor- 
 rified the inhabitants of Boston some years ago, by answering 
 his invitations on this same ruled paper, enclosed in a yellow 
 envelope, which he found at the Somerset Club, if I remem- 
 ber rightly. Of course society was in a state of collapse over 
 this British eccentricity ; but perhaps the truth of the matter 
 was that the Hon. Mr. supposed the use of the station- 
 ery in question was permissible in this country, since he found 
 it at one of our most fashionable clubs. 1 
 
 For dinner-parties, the invitations should be in the name 
 of both husband and wife. 
 
 <^Vi4. ancf <^Vi4<t. 
 
 teattedt Me /iteadeete 
 / / 
 
 . atta t^vCt4. Konn <^r<<tn <t cotn/ianu at aennft, 
 tf / s 
 
 twenty -<teventn, at Atx c ctocn. 
 
 1 Since writing the above, I have read, in Mr. Adam Badeau's 
 "Aristocracy in England," that this same noble gentleman shakes 
 hands with the domestics of his friends on democratic principles ; so
 
 INVITATIONS. 59 
 
 An invitation to dinner must be answered without loss of 
 time and without prevarication. If you have any reason to 
 suppose that you will not be able to attend the dinner-party, 
 there is no alternative but to refuse, since it may spoil the 
 whole occasion if the hostess does not know exactly who is 
 coming, and if she does not know it in good season. 
 
 Hence it is not unusual for the messenger who brings an 
 invitation to a dinner, to wait and see if there is any answer. 
 
 . anc/ ^WM. cc/m 
 <7 
 
 -teaiet eatleme/u. Wat a 
 s f f f 
 
 be mem c/ me 4i6sa<Hete cS a 
 
 . ana ^/nu. ponn ^run 
 ff 
 
 do/ife i'nvtfafeon fct aw 
 
 t_77tiwmv<e4 tivenfy - 
 
 )n ,./., 
 
 f 
 
 is a proper form of refusal. Or if you accept, " accept with 
 pleasure the polite invitation," etc. Always mention the 
 hour, when accepting a dinner invitation, so as to be sure that 
 
 the natural inference is that the yellow envelope was used "malice 
 prepense," and that the Somerset Club should be acquitted from any 
 responsibility in so grave a matter.
 
 60 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 there is no mistake about it. One should be careful also to 
 express one's self in courteous terms in answering a note of 
 invitation. If the note is a refusal, it is better, if possible, to 
 state the reason which has compelled one to refuse ; as, 
 
 . <ja 
 ieaie& twfame/u, Mat a faevtoat enaaa 
 
 Avett& Aet acafitwa 
 / ff 
 
 *^wU. Wm. -. <.7wane / 
 tie tnvtfafam tot 
 
 Or, " must deprive her of the pleasure of accepting," etc. 
 If you are to be out of town, " absence from the city " 
 will be the excuse proper to send. Of course the form 
 " regrets extremely her inability to accept " is often used ; but 
 the other form seems more courteous, especially in answering 
 a first invitation, or any one where the entertainer will be 
 apt to suppose that there is an intention to slight her if no 
 reason for the refusal is given. 
 
 All invitations should be answered promptly, except those 
 to afternoon teas and receptions and "At Homes," which are 
 usually not answered at all. It is manifestly illogical to an- 
 swer a card which says merely "Mrs. Breeze At Home Friday, 
 January thirtieth," because the invitation is not worded in 
 such a way that it can be answered. Sometimes E. S. V. P. 
 is appended to an " At Home " card ; but this is an incorrect
 
 INVITATIONS. 61 
 
 form of invitation, though used occasionally to save time and 
 trouble. 
 
 I find it stated in one book on manners, and a very good 
 book in many respects, that one should never write " polite " 
 invitation, but always " kind " or " very kind." The writer 
 adds that it the latter form "is English, you know," 
 and states also that " polite " is no longer used in this way in 
 good society in America. 
 
 It is to be feared in this case that the wish was father to 
 the thought ; for however charming it might be in the eyes 
 of many people to have our social manners and customs be- 
 come mere duplicates of English forms, we certainly have not 
 yet reached that delightful apotheosis of Anglomania, perfect 
 similarity. " Kind " is certainly often used in answering notes 
 of invitation, but " polite " is still a proper and quite usual 
 form of expression in New York and Boston. 
 
 The same authority points out the incorrectness of such 
 forms of expression as " will have the pleasure of accepting," 
 " will prevent his acceptance," " will accept," etc. You accept 
 or are prevented from accepting in the present tense, that 
 is, when you write the note, therefore it is incorrect to use 
 "will," which is in the future tense. Neither is it polite to 
 " decline " an invitation ; the refusal must be worded in a 
 more courteous form. One should never abbreviate, in writ- 
 ing either acceptances or regrets. They should always cor- 
 respond in style with the invitation, which should be referred 
 to in order that the answer may be exact. 
 
 Where a lady sends her visiting card with " At Home " 
 and the day and hour written upon it, no answer is necessary. 
 In sending your card in acknowledgment of such an invi- 
 tation, do not write " regrets " or anything else on it, as it 
 would be very impolite to do so. 
 
 If an invitation is issued in the name of " Mr. and Mrs. 
 Folsom," then one must accept or refuse Mr. and Mrs.
 
 62 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Folsom's kind invitation ; or if Mrs. F. alone invites the 
 guests, then they send their answers to Mrs. F. 
 
 It is necessary to be explicit on this point, since some 
 people imagine that if they are not personally acquainted 
 with the hostess, they ought to send their answers to her in- 
 vitation not to her, but to whatever member of the family 
 they happen to know personally. 
 
 This is both illogical and absurd. Indeed, it would be 
 extremely rude to send to the daughter, for instance, an an- 
 swer to an invitation received from the mother. It would 
 imply that you thought the hostess had committed a breach 
 of etiquette in the form of her invitation. If a lady does 
 you the honor of asking you to her house, the least you can 
 do is to respond courteously, whether she is a stranger to you 
 or not. 
 
 A student at Harvard College, a few years ago, was some- 
 what surprised at receiving an invitation for a dancing party 
 at the house of a lady in Cambridge whom, he did not know. 
 As he was a great favorite in society, and a good dancer, he 
 concluded that he had been invited in the character of an 
 eligible partner, and went to the ball. 
 
 The hostess and her family treated him with such marked 
 politeness and courtesy that he began to fear something was 
 wrong. Subsequent inquiry revealed the fact that the invi- 
 tation had been intended for a classmate who bore the same 
 name and surname ; and the hostess was so much afraid that 
 her guest would discover the mistake, and would be mortified 
 to think he had come where he had not been invited, that 
 she showed him, by special attentions, that she was. pleased 
 to receive him as her guest. Verb. sat. sap. 
 
 Married people can never be invited separately, unless 
 on some occasion where ladies only or gentlemen only are 
 asked to be present. But if any gentlemen are invited, all 
 that is, all husbands must be. Even where it is well
 
 INVITATIONS. 63 
 
 known that a lady or a gentleman never goes into society, 
 you must still pay the stay-at-home member the compliment 
 of asking him or her. In the case of very informal occasions, 
 or where another person is suddenly wanted to fill a vacant 
 seat at a dinner-table, this rule is sometimes waived among 
 intimate friends ; otherwise it is strictly adhered to, being 
 one of the active laws, as opposed to the dead letters of 
 social observances. 
 
 If a person finds that he cannot go to an entertainment 
 after he has accepted the invitation, he should write before 
 the occasion and send his " regrets." This is in accordance 
 with European custom, it is stated, but it is not usually done 
 here, except in the case of dinners, " sit-down " lunches, or 
 other occasions where the host needs to know the exact num- 
 ber of people who will be present, such as tea-parties, " sit- 
 down " suppers, etc. If only a few guests are invited, even to 
 an informal occasion, any one who finds that he cannot go, 
 after he has written that he will do so, should certainly write 
 and let his host know of his change of plan, because the 
 absence of one makes a great difference when only a small 
 number are invited. 
 
 Once in a while a very polite person will write to a hostess 
 who is about to give a party, and say that he is at the last 
 moment prevented from coming. But for balls or large parties 
 it is not customary to do so in America, unless one is to 
 be the guest of honor, or unless there is some other special 
 reason for writing. 
 
 Should one send invitations to people who are in mourn- 
 ing ? It is considered to be more polite to do so, except in 
 case of a recent bereavement. While a family is plunged in 
 deep sorrow and affliction, it is certainly more delicate and 
 considerate not to do anything which would jar upon their 
 feelings, and invitations coming at such a time would almost 
 certainly have that effect. But to people in the later periods
 
 64 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 of mourning it is quite in order to send general invitations ; 
 that is, invitations to large parties, weddings, etc. Of course 
 they do not go ; but one should pay them the compliment of 
 asking them. 
 
 People who are in mourning do not plead a previous en- 
 gagement when declining an invitation, but regret simply, 
 without giving any reason. They then send by mail their 
 visiting cards with black borders, thus shewing clearly why 
 they cannot accept the invitation, the cards also serving in- 
 stead of a personal visit. These cards should be mailed on 
 the day when the ball or wedding takes place, and should be 
 enclosed in two envelopes. The same number should be sent 
 as if one were calling in person ; the lady would send one 
 card, and her husband would send two, one for the host 
 and one for the hostess. 
 
 " Avail " and " preclude " are words not thought to be in 
 good form for the answers to invitations. " An invite " for 
 " an invitation " is slang of the worst description. 
 
 In sending invitations to a family of several members, the 
 most approved method is to send one to the husband and 
 wife, a separate one to the daughters, be they few or many, 
 directed to the Misses Brown, and a third to the brothers, 
 addressed to Messrs. Brown. If there is only one son and 
 one daughter, an invitation may be sent to "Miss Brown and 
 brother ; " but " Misses Brown and brothers " is not advisa- 
 ble, although on these minor and less important points peo- 
 ple often follow their own convenience. 
 
 " Dr. Brown and family," however, is a form of invita- 
 tion not favored by those who are careful in such matters. 
 Quite as bad, or worse, is the other extreme, that of sending 
 a separate card of invitation to each member of a large family. 
 This looks ostentatious, and society dislikes rather particularly 
 ostentation of the sort.
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 DINNER-PARTIES, AND HOW. TO GIVE THEM. 
 
 THE extravagance of our modern dinner-table has grown to 
 be so great that it rivals those ancient Roman feasts where 
 dowries were expended on a single meal, and almost surpasses 
 Cleopatra's famed and costly beverage. But let not the pool- 
 imagine that endless dainties bring continual pleasure to the 
 palate ; or that all these fine dishes, with high-sounding 
 French names, taste any better than plain, homely fare, 
 carefully seasoned and well prepared, eaten with the best 
 sauce, hunger, and served hot ! Epicurism is apt to bring 
 its own reward in the very unpleasant shape of dyspep-, 
 sia ; and many a millionnaire sits at his richly-furnished 
 
 table eating gruel or drinking milk ! Sir , an 
 
 English nobleman who is thus unfortunately reduced to 
 " spoon food," eats nothing else at his own elaborate dinner- 
 parties ; but, with a truly noble spirit, he still points out to 
 others the best pieces on the dish, his eyes glistening at the 
 sight of the forbidden dainties. 
 
 Other more prudent bon-vivants live very simply when at 
 home, eating always of the best, but also of the simplest, and 
 reserving the full force of their appetite for grand occasions. 
 " I get dreadfully tired," said a well-known society woman 
 recently, " of these swell lunches, where you have a little bit 
 of this, and a scrap of the other, and nothing that amounts 
 to anything, a little chicken-bone in a silver saucepan, a 
 
 5
 
 66 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 few truffles, lots of empty nothings ; and I come home hungry 
 and eat a good dinner." One certainly tires of elaborate 
 " made dishes " much sooner than of plain ones. People who 
 go often to restaurants know that the plain roast and boiled, 
 a good steak, or a hot chop are best ; it is dangerous to try 
 made dishes unless you are sure of the capacity of the cook 
 who made them. 
 
 Another great objection to formal banquets is the impossi- 
 bility of having the food .really hot, in the long and elaborate 
 succession of hands through which the dishes have to pass 
 before reaching the diners. Thomas Hazard, in his " Johnny- 
 cake " papers, tells how, in his grandfather's time, eels were 
 broiled on a gridiron and brought in from the kitchen on the 
 same utensil "smoking hot;" and he intimates that the 
 result was ambrosial. 
 
 Even " hotter " were the old-fashioned blazers, or chafing-^ 
 dishes, on which each person at table broiled his own oysters 
 or his own venison. Some New England ladies use them to 
 this day for luncheon; and scrambled eggs cooked in this 
 way are superior to all others. 
 
 Rich people, too, get very tired of the formality and show 
 which accompany their daily meals, and enjoy a plain, good 
 dinner at a friend's house, because it is a novelty to them. 
 
 The famous dinner in the " Book of Snobs " is entirely true 
 to human nature, and will be remembered for its kindly and 
 humane sentiment long after Thackeray's more bitter utter- 
 ances shall have been laid on the shelf. Let no one hesitate, 
 therefore, to invite his friends to dinner merely because he 
 will be obliged to entertain them simply. Let the dinner be 
 plain, but good of its kind ; and remember that for people of 
 small means, quite as much as for the rich, it is important 
 to make a study of gastronomy, to combine those articles 
 of food which go well together. A small circle is still as 
 perfect as a large one.
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 67 
 
 Often, with a little thought, some dish can be devised 
 which will be at once unusual, good, and cheap. Thus, 
 flounders go for almost nothing in our markets, and yet are 
 really very delicious fish. Some of the French-made dishes 
 are economical of everything but labor. The French are 
 a thrifty people, and the style of dishes that they have 
 invented can be made to suit a light as well as a heavy 
 purse. 
 
 It is not well to attempt any elaborate dishes, however, 
 unless one has a really competent cook ; and above all, never 
 try any entirely new dish when you are going to have com- 
 pany. Culinary and other experiments should be tried only 
 in the bosom of one's own family. 
 
 Let the attendance, even at a very simple dinner, be good. 
 If your own servants are not efficient waiters, by all means 
 hire good ones, who are always to be found in cities of any 
 size. If you cannot aiford to do so, or if you live in the 
 country, your only resource is to train your own servants, 
 remembering always that they must be trained daily, espe- 
 cially if hitherto they have been undisciplined. You cannot 
 expect raw troops to stand the fire of the enemy ; and ser- 
 vants who are not trained to wait well every day, will do 
 even worse than usual with the excitement of company. 
 
 The son of an English earl, Hon. Mr. , being possessed 
 
 only of small means, has two maid-servants to wait on his 
 table, who perform the services expected of them quite as 
 skilfully as men, and at much lower wages. They wear a 
 species of uniform ; that is, dresses of dark blue cloth, made 
 very plainly, with gilt buttons like a page. 
 
 The same plan, that of employing women as first-class 
 waiters, has been adopted in this country, all but the uni- 
 form. No American woman, even if her citizenship was but 
 a week old, would consent to appear as a female Buttons. 
 The baptism of Castle Garden has a wonderfully liberalizing
 
 68 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 effect, especially on womankind. At very elegant houses, 
 however, maid-servants often wait upon the table, and when 
 well drilled are fully equal to the best men-servants. They 
 usually wear black dresses made perfectly plain, without 
 overskirt or trimmings, plain white aprons, and white collars 
 and cuffs. Occasionally they wear white caps, although 
 these have become so common that many people do not care 
 to have their servants wear them. 
 
 The social enjoyment, the conversation, ought to be the 
 best part of any entertainment, even of that very carnal feast 
 a dinner-party. Croesus will come all the more willingly to 
 your simple table if he is to meet there some brilliant and 
 agreeable guest. No dinner-party can be really successful 
 at which only dull wits are present, unless it be that if 
 they are all dull they will not notice the difference. 
 
 There are certain brilliant talkers who are monopolists of 
 conversation; they charm with their wit, but no one else 
 has a " show." Such people should be invited " one at a time," 
 and in company with those who will be content to admire 
 and listen to them in silence. I was present at a dinner once 
 where Emerson, William R. Alger, and other men of mark 
 were guests, all of us listening, with charmed attention it 
 must be confessed, to the scintillating flow of speech of one 
 witty and delightful autocrat ! 
 
 It is a cruel rule that altogether excludes very old and 
 very young people from dinners; but the "dumb" are out 
 of place at them as much as the over-loquacious. Very 
 literal people, too, who cannot take a joke, do not add to the 
 general enjoyment of a feast. 
 
 With the English, it is an almost invariable custom that 
 social position should regulate the order in which people go 
 in to dinner, the host taking in the lady of highest rank, and 
 the guests following in couples assorted according to Burke's 
 peerage, very much as children arrange a Noah's Ark proces-
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 69 
 
 sion, the hostess meekly bringing up the rear with the gen- 
 tleman of highest rank ! 
 
 Fortunately for us in these United States we have no 
 nobility to dictate our places to us; and while a host often 
 takes in the lady of highest social position, he quite as often 
 does not. If a distinguished woman is present, he usually 
 pays this honor to her, or perhaps he pays it to the wife of 
 a distinguished man. Where a dinner has been given for 
 a married couple, the host and hostess respectively go in 
 with them. A bride, too, is privileged in this respect, often 
 taking precedence of older ladies ; so also does a distinguished 
 stranger. 
 
 But while, ceteris paribus, the host takes in the lady of 
 the highest distinction, social, literary, or political, etc., the 
 other couples intermediate between the host and the hostess 
 (who comes last always) do not go in in any especial order. 
 Young people naturally give the pas to elder ones, or to per- 
 sons of note, but there is no law on the subject. 
 
 The squabbles for precedence in European courts seem to 
 us very undignified. The Countesses of Egmont and Horn 
 used to pass through a doorway arm in arm, as it could not 
 be decided which should go first ! 
 
 The host and hostess should decide with due deliberation 
 beforehand the order in which the guests are to sit at table, 
 since it may " make or mar :> a dinner. Indeed, they should 
 be careful to] invite only people who will harmonize well 
 together. Tradition tells about dreadful dinner-parties to 
 which deadly enemies were asked, and where they sat glar- 
 ing mutually and refusing to speak to one another, like two 
 Banquos at a feast. Certainly this was ill-bred on the part 
 of the guests. Private animosities should be sunk on such 
 occasions ; but one would prefer not to invite the Capulets 
 and Montagues to dine together. 
 
 The lady of the house informs each gentleman which lady
 
 70 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 he is to take in to dinner, or sometimes cards are placed 
 on the hall table giving this information. If the gentleman 
 does not know the lady, he should ask for an introduction. 
 At small and informal dinners, where all are acquainted, the 
 lady of the house, if she prefers, can say to each gentleman, 
 " Mr. So-and-so, will you take down Miss Blank," just before 
 going down to dinner. 
 
 It is perhaps needless to say that a bell should never be 
 rung to announce any formal meal ; indeed, it is better form 
 to dispense with the bell-summons for all meals, even when 
 no guests are present. 
 
 The servant should enter the drawing-room and should 
 say, " Dinner is served," or simply bow, as soon as he catches 
 the eye of his mistress. 
 
 The host and hostess may sit at each end of the table or 
 in the middle of each side. The lady who is to be specially 
 honored is placed on the host's right, and the second place of 
 distinction is on his left. In the same way the gentleman 
 who has taken the hostess down to dinner sits on her right, 
 and the " next best man " on her left. 
 
 Neither a dining-room nor a table should ever be over- 
 crowded. Brillat-Savarin said that the number of people at 
 a dinner should not be less than the Graces nor more than 
 the Muses ; though at some very brilliant dinners this limit 
 has been exceeded. The objection to certain even numbers 
 is, that in the case of four, eight, twelve, sixteen, and twenty 
 (in fact, any number divisible by four), two ladies and two 
 gentlemen will have to sit next each other, when the host 
 and hostess sit at the head and foot of the table. But when 
 a table is wide enough for two people to sit at one end this 
 difficulty may be overcome ; and it is certainly pleasanter to 
 have an even number, as otherwise one person is obliged to 
 go in to dinner alone. With the numbers, six, ten, fourteen, 
 eighteen, etc., there is no trouble in arranging the guests.
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 71 
 
 The host and hostess at a dinner-party stand in need of 
 a great deal of tact ; for they must watch the conversation 
 carefully, skilfully starting it when it flags, suggesting new 
 topics, etc., and yet not talking too much. Let the host 
 beware of bringing out his old stories ; and let the hostess 
 remember that though her heart may be in the kitchen, her 
 head must be with her guests. No matter how much anxiety 
 she may feel, she must betray none, or she will be sure to 
 dampen every one's pleasure. 
 
 Hence it is much wiser not to attempt a dinner-party on 
 such an unaccustomed scale that you are worried to death 
 lest your servants should commit some blunder. 
 
 The folly of over-pretentious dinners Thackeray has shown 
 up so thoroughly that he has exhausted the subject ; while 
 Dickens's description of the Veneering banquets is an equally 
 good piece of satire directed at the solemn and burdensome 
 pomp of stupid nouveaux-riches.
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 DINNER-PARTIES; SERVICE AND ARRANGEMENTS OF 
 THE TABLE. 
 
 " SCRATCH a Russian, and you will find a Tartar," says the 
 old proverb ; intimating, in language more plain than elegant, 
 that a Russian is only a sort of half-savage. And yet these 
 same people, savage or not, control in large measure the 
 diplomacy of Europe, invent wonderful and dreadful forms 
 of modern liberalism, write our best contemporary novels, 
 and last but not least, lay down the law which regulates the 
 tables of every civilized land. 
 
 Clearly these Russians are not effete, whatever else they 
 may be ; and we have adopted the dtner ct la Riisse from them, 
 just as in an earlier state of civilization the Romans adopted 
 trousers from their savage conquerors, who were brachati, or 
 " breeches-wearing." And to the bondage of the trouser 
 mankind has remained a slave all these fourteen hundred 
 years since Rome fell. 
 
 How long our bondage to the dtner a la Russe will last it 
 is difficult to imagine ; probably as long as the present epoch 
 of luxury and sestheticism lasts, for this method of serving 
 meals is as pleasing to the eye as it is agreeable to that 
 natural laziness which abides in the hearts of most men. 
 
 A table covered with fruit and flowers, exquisite glass, 
 china, and silver, graceful candelabra, bonbons and candied 
 fruits perhaps at the corners, these are all that the modern
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 73 
 
 guest sees when he sits down to the table ; but to the eye of 
 faith much more is present, especially if menu-cards, placed 
 in pretty holders, rehearse the catalogue of tempting dainties 
 that are to come. 
 
 The table-cloth, the foundation for all this gorgeous dis- 
 play, may be of plain damask, or it may consist of the most 
 costly and elaborate drawn-work, dainty and lace-like in 
 effect ; but let it be always white. While some people place 
 a colored cloth beneath the embroidered one in order to 
 show the effect of the work, this arrangement is in questiona- 
 ble taste, and is thought by many persons to be wanting 
 in refinement. 
 
 A few years ago dinner-tables were lighted by gas only ; 
 but we have borrowed a leaf from Europeans, and as they 
 consider gas vulgar, we begin to think we must do so too, 
 although gas in America is superior in quality to that manu- 
 factured abroad. Handsome branching candelabra, usually 
 of silver, filled with white or colored wax-candles, the light 
 softened by colored shades, are now considered the most ele- 
 gant way of lighting the table ; although lamps which are 
 now made of such beautiful patterns are often used. 
 
 There must not be too great a glare of light on the table, 
 as that would be trying to the eyes of many guests; it is 
 better to have some of the light come from side-branches or 
 chandeliers projecting from the wall, or hanging from the 
 ceiling. 
 
 Too much light means also too much heat, and above all 
 things a dining-room should not be overheated ; neither 
 should it be full of draughts from open windows. The best 
 way is to keep it pretty cool during the day, instead of 
 neglecting to pay any attention to the temperature until the 
 last moment, and then throwing open windows and doors in 
 every direction. A dining-room should always have a carpet 
 on it to deaden the sound of feet.
 
 74 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 The decoration of the table is largely a matter of individual 
 taste, limited by certain rules which do not vary. One of 
 the most important of these is that mere ornament must not 
 be allowed to take too prominent a place at the feast ; it must 
 never be arranged so as to interfere with conversation across 
 the table, or to intercept the view of the guests. The deco- 
 rations should be high enough for people to see under them, 
 or so low that one can look over them. 
 
 An ingenious gentleman of Boston has lofty palm-trees, 
 which seem to spring from the centre of his festive board 
 and wave above the heads of his guests with true tropical 
 luxuriance. They really have their roots in large pots placed 
 under the table, through which holes are bored to admit the 
 passage of the stems. 
 
 Low, flat centre-pieces of flowers, round or oblong in shape, 
 are often used, and are much liked, because they afford no 
 barrier to sight or to conversation. With this style four 
 smaller bouquets for the corners of the table are very pretty, 
 the flowers in the latter corresponding with the central 
 design. Blue hydrangea interspersed with sprays of lily 
 of the valley and bordered with maiden's-hair ferns makes 
 a very effective decoration used in this way, and has also the 
 good quality of not emitting too strong an odor. Flowers 
 for the dinner-table may be sweet, but should not be oppres- 
 sive with their fragrance. A centre-piece of blush roses, with 
 hand bouquets to match, is an old-time favorite. These 
 bouquets may be tied with broad pink satin ribbon and laid 
 beside each lady's plate. 
 
 The " blue " and " pink " dinners in which china, table 
 ornaments, etc., were all of the chosen color are no longer as 
 fashionable as they were. The same is true of " silver " and 
 " glass " dinners, at which the guests marvelled at the gor- 
 geous display of plate or admired the beautiful shape and 
 endless variety of crystal vessels, now of cut glass, sparkling
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 75 
 
 like diamonds, now of delicate glass engraved with exquisite 
 designs, and as brittle as the heart of an old-fashioned 
 heroine of romance. These " fancies in china " are all very 
 well occasionally ; but the greatest beauty is found in har- 
 mony, not in monotone, and the most aesthetically adorned 
 tables encourage variety rather than oddity. 
 
 Where the giver of a dinner does not wish to go to much 
 expense for flowers, a very graceful ornament can be made by 
 placing a pot of maiden-hair fern in the centre of the table, 
 the pot being covered by pieces of bark or moss, tied on with 
 fine thread or wire. Or pretty little majolica and china orna- 
 ments in all sorts of odd shapes may be placed about the 
 table, filled with cut flowers. 
 
 A very effective centre-piece can be made by arranging 
 fruit and flowers together, or even with fruit alone. Very 
 pretty gilt baskets low and flat in shape have now come into 
 vogue, with pans fitted in the centre and filled with growing 
 ferns. Wild-flowers artistically arranged make exquisite table 
 ornaments. It would doubtless surprise some farmers to see 
 the weeds which they so detest, and wage a life-long warfare 
 with, set in the place of honor on the rich man's table. Yet 
 there the sturdy weeds stand to-day, pretty, saucy, and grace- 
 ful, like country beauties newly come to Court. 
 
 In England, where tropical fruit is so much more expensive 
 than with us, pineapples, etc., are sometimes hired to orna- 
 ment the table with, and are returned intact when the feast 
 is over. 
 
 The lofty epergnes for fruit and flowers are very imposing 
 and showy ; they correspond with the candelabra or lamps, 
 and are preferred by many people. A tall centre-piece 
 (whether of silver or glass the latter is more modern) 
 should stand on a silver tray, or on a flat mirror made for 
 the purpose. Beneath may be a sort of large mat of bright- 
 colored velvet, which is often used to give a good bit of color
 
 76 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 to the table. Carafes or water-bottles of cut or engraved 
 glass should be placed at each corner, and for a large dinner- 
 party in the middle of each side also. This is not done in 
 England, where "tumblers are placed on the sideboard and 
 not on the table," and where they are inclined to laugh 
 good-naturedly at our American habit of perpetually drinking 
 ice-water. 
 
 A " cover " signifies the place laid at table for each person, 
 and should consist of two large knives, a small silver knife 
 and fork for fish, three large forks, a table-spoon for soup, a 
 small "oyster-fork" for eating oysters on the half-shell, a 
 goblet for water, and claret, hock, champagne, and sherry 
 glasses, which are placed around it. The knives and forks 
 should always be placed on the right and left of the plate, 
 and never across the table. 
 
 In England, where raw oysters are not usually given at 
 dinner, the dinner-napkin, with the bread folded in it, is 
 placed between the knives and forks. But with us, the 
 napkin and bread are placed on the left, as raw oysters, 
 served on a majolica oyster-plate, with a piece of lemon in 
 the centre, are set at each place before the guests enter. 
 The oyster-fork is usually placed at the right side of the 
 plate, but the other forks should be on the left. 
 
 The napkin, as has been said elsewhere, should be simply 
 folded, either standing upright, like a sort of triangle, with 
 the ends drawn together to hold the bread, or folded square, 
 with the top part creased and turned back diagonally ; and 
 the bread, which should be cut in small thick pieces, and not 
 in slices, tucked under this fold or in any other simple 
 way. 
 
 The glasses are placed on the right. For champagne 
 glasses a broad, low, flaring shape is now in vogue, although 
 the old-fashioned long slender ones are much more graceful. 
 For hock, green glass, and for claret or Burgundy, deep red
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 77 
 
 glass should be used ; for sherry, a white wine-glass, of con- 
 ventional form, the old unchanging pattern, remains always 
 essentially the same. 
 
 Seven and even nine wine-glasses are sometimes put beside 
 each plate, but most of us would not approve of such a profu- 
 sion of wine as this would imply. At other tables, two extra 
 glasses, one for sherry or Madeira, and the other for claret or 
 Burgundy, are put on with the dessert. These late-coming 
 glasses are usually very delicate, as they accompany choice 
 wines. No table-spoons (save those for soup) or other extra 
 silver are placed on table for diner ct la Russe, and no cruets 
 or casters. 
 
 After the raw oysters soup is served. At very stylish 
 dinners it is customary to serve two soups, white and 
 broAvn, or white and clear. A thick soup is puree, and a 
 clear soup is consomme. The soup, like the rest of the 
 dinner, is served from the sideboard. 
 
 Fish is the next course, and is followed by the entries, 
 or "those dishes which are served in the first course after 
 the fish." It is well to serve two entrees at once at a very 
 elaborate dinner, and thus save time. To these succeed the 
 roast, followed by Roman punch, and this in turn is fol- 
 lowed by game and salad. Roman punch should only be 
 given with a dinner of many courses ; it is quite out of place 
 at a simple dinner, where there is only one course of meat. 
 It is properly an "entremet," or " dish coming after the roast, 
 in the second course." 
 
 Salad is sometimes served with the game, or again, it is 
 served as a separate course, accompanied with cheese and 
 with bread and butter. The bread should be cut very thin 
 and nicely buttered, although sometimes the butter and bread 
 are served separately. 
 
 Cheese is often made a course by itself ; indeed, the gen- 
 eral tendency of the modern dinner is to have each dish " all
 
 78 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 alone by itself," like the one fishball of classic memory. 
 This style, however, may be carried too far. Only one or at 
 most two vegetables are served with one course, and many 
 vegetables make a course by themselves, as asparagus, sweet 
 corn, macaroni, etc. 
 
 Some people think it is very barbarous to eat corn from 
 the cob, but many others consider it entirely allowable to 
 do so. A lady who gives many elegant dinners at New- 
 port causes to be laid beside the plate of each guest two 
 little silver-gilt spike-like arrangements. Each person then 
 places these in either end of the corn-cob, and eats his corn 
 holding it by two silver handles as it were. 
 
 After the salad and cheese come the ices and sweet dishes, 
 then the fruit, then the bonbons. Coffee is usually served 
 in the drawing-room, although it may be handed around in 
 the dining-room if the guests have not already sat too long 
 at the table. 
 
 Gentlemen stay at table a short time after the ladies have 
 left it, discussing wine, cigars, and liqueurs (or cordials), and 
 no doubt indulging in the most improving conversation. 
 After dinner coffee should always be cafe noir, or strong 
 black coffee. It should be poured out in the kitchen or 
 butler's pantry and handed round on a salver in tiny cups, 
 with tiny gold or silver spoons and lump sugar, but no 
 cream or milk. 
 
 For all the hot-meat courses, entrees, etc., the guests are 
 provided with hot plates ; but these are not used for salads 
 nor cold meats, nor for hot puddings, which keep their 
 own heat too well to need any artificial aid. 
 
 For a dinner of many courses the knives and forks laid 
 beside the plates will not be sufficient. Therefore at a later 
 stage of the entertainment a fresh fork, or fork and knife, 
 as the course may require, is set before each person on a fresh 
 plate.
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 79 
 
 Before the dessert everything is of course cleared from the 
 table except the table-cloth, which is never taken away now, 
 for two reasons : first, because this would disturb too much 
 the many decorations which adorn a modern feast ; second, 
 because, with the new methods of serving, there is little 
 danger of soiling the cloth. 
 
 For the dessert, a silver dessert knife and fork and a gold 
 or silver dessert spoon are put at each place. To these is 
 often added an ice-spoon, a compromise between a fork and 
 a spoon. The finger-bowl comes with the fruit ; it is set on 
 the plate (usually a glass one or a handsomely decorated 
 china one), a fruit napkin or one of the embroidered doi- 
 lies now so fashionable being placed between. 
 
 As these dainty trifles often cost twenty-five or thirty 
 dollars a dozen, it would be an act of Vandalism to do more 
 than look at them ; the guest, therefore, must fall back on his 
 dinner-napkin for real use. For peaches, a genuine fruit nap- 
 .kin should be provided, as they stain white ones very badly. 
 
 Sherry is the proper wine to accompany soup. Chablis, 
 hock, or sauterne go with the fish course, claret and cham- 
 pagne with the roast. If Madeira and port are used, they 
 should come after the game. Sherry and claret, or Bur- 
 gundy, are again offered with the dessert, the after-dinner 
 wines being of a superior quality to those served during the 
 meal. 
 
 Cordials or liqueurs come after the dessert. These are 
 poured out by the butler into tiny glasses and passed 
 around the table on a small salver. Champagne and other 
 sparkling wines should be set in an ice-pail to cool until just 
 before they are served. They are never decanted, but 
 poured out as quickly as possible after they are opened. 
 
 It is customary in this country to pass around a silver or 
 china ice-bowl containing broken ice before the champagne 
 is offered ; but the servant should never put ice in any one's
 
 80 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 glass without first asking if he wishes it, as some people 
 object decidedly to having their wine thus weakened. 
 Claret is not usually decanted in America. It should never 
 be iced, but, on the contrary, is sometimes warmed slightly ; 
 it should be about the same temperature as the room. The 
 same is true of Burgundy. 
 
 Sherry, Madeira, and port are always decanted, and are 
 placed on the sideboard ready for use. No wine should be 
 put on the dinner-table at first. At a later stage decanters 
 may be set before the host, who sends them to his guests. 
 When these are placed on the table gentlemen help them- 
 selves and the ladies next to them. 
 
 Champagne is passed many a time and oft during the 
 dinner, being a favorite wine ; but it is not usually handed 
 with the dessert in this country, whereas on the Continent 
 it is served with the sweets. A napkin should always be 
 fastened around a champagne bottle, as it is almost neces- 
 sarily wet from recent contact with the ice. 
 
 For a small dinner it is quite sufficient to have two or 
 three wines ; in this case, sherry with the soup, and claret 
 or champagne with the roast, would be the best selection. 
 Wine should be offered on the right hand, thus making an 
 exception to the rule in accordance with which all dishes are 
 handed on the left hand. 
 
 The washing of plates, silver, etc., at a dinner-party 
 should if possible be performed at such a distance from the 
 dining-room that the clatter will be inaudible to those seated 
 at table. In order to give an elaborate dinner it is almost 
 indispensable that one should have a large quantity of china 
 and plate, otherwise the delay from washing the dishes will 
 be endless. Those that have been used should be at once 
 removed from the dining-room, a page or maid-servant 
 carrying them away ; and one or two servants should be em- 
 ployed in washing them.
 
 DINNER-PARTIES. 81 
 
 When one plate is taken away at the end of a course 
 another is at once substituted for it. If a knife and fork 
 are laid on this, the guest should take them off promptly, 
 otherwise he may delay the serving of the next course. 
 For the same reason the finger-bowl and doily should be 
 at once removed from the plate. 
 
 The entries are generally passed to guests in order that 
 they may help themselves. Sometimes, however, all the 
 courses are helped from the side-table. It is considered 
 to be in better style for the servant to have a small napkin 
 wrapped around his hand, so that it shall not come in con- 
 tact with the dishes as he passes them, rather than that he 
 should wear gloves. Only hired waiters wear gloves. 
 
 The number of servants required to wait on a dinner 
 depends largely on their efficiency. At a large dinner one 
 waiter to every three guests, or even to every two guests, is 
 sometimes employed ; per contra, one thoroughly trained and 
 efficient waiter can attend to eight or ten people. 
 
 At large and ceremonious dinners a card with each person's 
 name is usually placed on or beside each plate. If a menu 
 or bill of fare is used it may be laid beside the other card, or 
 it may be placed in the pretty and fanciful menu-holders that 
 are now easily obtainable. Where these holders are used 
 there should be at least one to every two guests, or still better 
 one to each person ; but many people do not consider menu- 
 cards appropriate in a private house. 
 
 As the custom is now abolished of waiting till every one 
 is helped before beginning to eat, it should be one servant's 
 duty to pass the proper sauce or vegetables to each person 
 just after he has been helped by another servant to the meat. 
 This greatly expedites matters, besides enabling every one to 
 begin to eat his dinner while it is still hot. 
 
 The order in which the guests should be helped depends 
 somewhat on the number of servants who wait on the table. 
 
 6
 
 82 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Where there are a number in attendance, one servant should 
 begin on each side of the table, helping first the lady sitting 
 next the host, and then the other ladies, in the order in 
 which they sit. The gentlemen should be helped afterward, 
 the host always receiving his plate last. 
 
 Where, however, the attendance is limited, and it is desira- 
 ble to expedite matters, the servant may first help the lady 
 on the host's right (the guest of honor), then the one on his 
 left, and then the guests as they sit, ladies and gentlemen, 
 leaving the host to be helped last. But it is always desira- 
 ble to help all the ladies first. 
 
 The butler or head waiter is much too grand a person to 
 wear any man's livery. He wears full evening dress, dress- 
 coat, white tie, etc., for late dinners. Earlier in the day he 
 appears in dark morning costume. The second man wears 
 livery, and where more than two men are kept, the others 
 wear livery also. 
 
 The drinking of toasts is going out of fashion ; people still 
 occasionally drink one another's health. In order to do so it 
 is merely necessary to bow, when the other person bows in 
 return. Each one then drinks a few drops of wine and sets 
 down his glass, bowing once more.
 
 CHAPTEE IX. 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 
 
 " EAT at your table as you would eat at the table of the 
 king," said Confucius; and the advice is as good now as when 
 it was given nearly three thousand years ago. If you would 
 learn to behave well in company you must behave well at 
 home ; otherwise the polite manners which you assume when 
 you are abroad will fit you much as a workman's Sunday 
 suit fits him. He wears it with an unaccustomed air which 
 shows far more plainly than words that this is not his 
 habitual dress ; and behavior that is kept for high days and 
 holidays betrays itself in a like manner. 
 
 A still better reason for uniformity in one's manners is, 
 that it savors of hypocrisy to behave in one way at home 
 and in a totally different way in society. A greater amount 
 of ease and freedom may certainly be permitted in one's own 
 house ; but the keynote of a person's behavior should always 
 be the same : self-respect and respect for others must never 
 be forgotten. 
 
 What an excellent custom of the old French monarchy it 
 was, that of breakfasting in public, and giving the people 
 every day a lesson from the very best authorities on the 
 proper way to behave at the table! Whether the French 
 kiug who first set this fashion had read Confucius is more 
 than doubtful ; but as great minds think alike, he was proba-
 
 84 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 bly actuated by the same general idea, and determined to 
 show his subjects a good example in the way of manners, 
 whatever his views of morals may have been. 
 
 Too much stress cannot be laid on the importance of refine- 
 ment at the table, both in manners and in the laying and 
 service of the table itself. The habit of eating together and 
 at stated times is one of the distinguishing marks that sepa- 
 rate civilized men from savages, and a man's behavior at 
 table is a pretty sure indication of his social status. 
 
 The negroes on the old Southern plantations could hardly 
 be induced to eat their meals save irregularly and by snatches. 
 To them the idea of sitting down to a regularly set table at 
 a formal meal was extremely irksome. As extremes meet, the 
 first gentleman in England, the Prince of Wales, has also 
 found the customs of society too formal, and he has very 
 wisely shortened the length of a fashionable dinner from 
 three or four hours to an hour or an hour and a half, two 
 hours being the very outside limit now allowed. 
 
 In a subsequent chapter, " Children, and how they should 
 behave at the Table," many gaucheries of which grown people 
 as well as children are often guilty are mentioned. Still, 
 the catalogue there given is not an exhaustive one, and a 
 few hints on the etiquette of the table will not be out of 
 place here. Imprimis, one should never speak, unless in jest, 
 of " table manners ; " the expression is tabooed in good 
 society, as are also the kindred ones, "parlor manners," 
 " company manners," etc. 
 
 Never come late to a dinner-party. The old rule was that 
 guests should arrive within five minutes of the appointed 
 hour, either before or after. Some people say that the eti- 
 quette on this point is not as strict as formerly, but it is much 
 wiser to be on the safe side. Gentlemen should not take 
 their seats until the ladies are seated, and each gentleman 
 should pull out the chair for the lady next him, and assist
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 85 
 
 her to draw it up to the table before seating himself. This 
 is not always necessary, as the servants assume the duty 
 where there are a number of them in attendance. 
 
 It is not the easiest thing in the world to assume a proper 
 attitude at table, for it is very awkward to bend over your 
 plate or to lean over between each mouthful. On the other 
 hand, it does not look well to lean back in one's chair when 
 eating, or to sit up as stiffly as if one had just swallowed a 
 ramrod. 
 
 It is not allowable to ask for a second helping of soup or 
 fish, and the reason of the rule is that these courses are pre- 
 liminary to the pieces de resistance of the dinner ; therefore 
 most people prefer not to delay over them, and in asking for 
 a second plate of soup you keep the whole assemblage wait- 
 ing for one person. 
 
 There is a story of the Revolution, however, which shows 
 that this law was not then held in such sacred esteem as it 
 is now. According to the tradition, a number of French 
 officers were invited to dine with an aristocratic family at 
 Newport, and the soup was so rich and so good that the 
 French chevaliers never got beyond that course ! 
 
 Soup is a terrible snare to the unwary, especially if the 
 unwary happens to have a moustache ! For it is one of the 
 unpardonable sins of the social decalogue to eat soup noisily. 
 Neither, however, can you save yourself by refusing soup, 
 since this also would be bad form. If it is of a sort which 
 you especially dislike, simply let it alone. In helping to 
 soup, do not fill the plate ; half a ladleful suffices, where the 
 ladle is large. 
 
 The old rule, never to use a knife with fish, was so very 
 inconvenient, especially in eating shad, that it has been aban- 
 doned. Silver fish-knives are now provided at all ceremo- 
 nious dinners. They are of a peculiar shape and of small 
 size, as also are the forks that accompany them.
 
 86 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 It used to be a standing reproach to Americans that they 
 ate so rapidly ; but we have improved in this respect as we 
 have grown more luxurious. Still, every one should remember 
 that haste in eating is inelegant as well as very unwholesome. 
 
 If any competent person should institute a knife, fork, and 
 spoon drill, and should offer to give private lessons in the 
 use of these formidable weapons, he might easily make a for- 
 tune. The knife is the easiest of the dread trio to manage, 
 if you can successfully resist the temptation to thrust it into 
 the mouth, that besets so many people. 
 
 Everybody ate with their knives before the invention of 
 the four-pronged fork, because with the old two-pronged 
 instrument it was manifestly impossible to eat pease, rice, and 
 many other articles of food. All English-speaking nations, 
 however, as well as the French, now absolutely forbid the 
 use of the knife except to cut with. On the Continent, 
 society is not so strictly divided by the "knife line;" and 
 it would not be safe in Germany, for instance, to judge of a 
 man's social position by his method of using his knife. 
 
 It is an awkward trick to raise and spread out the elbows 
 when cutting up the food. It also looks very badly to 
 seize the knife too far down on the blade or to grasp it too 
 vigorously. 
 
 Every one ought to know how to carve, otherwise he 
 may be placed in the predicament of the Boston lady who 
 had chicken for dinner but was utterly ignorant of how 
 to cut it up. "Mother took hold of one drumstick and I 
 took hold of the other, and we ran till we pulled it apart," 
 so she told the story! 
 
 The modern custom of having the butler do all the carv- 
 ing on the sideboard saves the master of the house a great 
 deal of trouble ; but there are still many occasions on which 
 it is very important to be able to carve, at luncheon, at 
 informal suppers, dinners in the country, picnics, etc.
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 87 
 
 Charles James Fox, who made it a point to do everything 
 well and vigorously that he once undertook, was an ex- 
 cellent carver. It is related in Trevelyan's life of him that 
 he used to have a book giving special directions about carv- 
 ing by his side at table, so that he might be sure to carve 
 in the best possible manner. 
 
 It is not well to emphasize one's conversation by wav- 
 ing about one's knife or fork, even in an entirely peaceful 
 and friendly manner. 
 
 The fork has now become the favorite and fashionable 
 utensil for conveying food to the mouth. First it crowded 
 out the knife, and now in its pride it has invaded the 
 domain of the once powerful spoon. The spoon is now 
 pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and trium- 
 phant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee 
 of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his 
 tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice-cream 
 witli a fork and pretends to like it. 
 
 Vegetables are always eaten with a fork now, save as- 
 paragus, which may be held in the fingers by the butt and 
 eaten without other assistance. Where it is much covered 
 with sauce it is certainly the part of discretion to use a 
 fork. 
 
 Olives are eaten with the fingers, as being a species of fruit. 
 For salad, good authorities sanction the use of both knife and 
 fork, unless the salad has been cut up beforehand. One 
 should use a knife as little as possible, however, and only 
 where the lettuce leaves are so large that they cannot be 
 managed with the aid of a silver fork and a piece of bread. 
 To cut up salad very fine on one's plate, until it is like, mince- 
 meat, is in decidedly bad taste. This should be done before 
 the dish comes to table, if at all. 
 
 Croquettes, patties, and most of the made dishes which 
 now are so much in vogue should be eaten with a fork ;
 
 88 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 indeed, at a modern fashionable lunch or dinner a large 
 proportion of the courses require no other implement. Of 
 course a knife must be used for plain beef and mutton, 
 chops, cutlets, game, etc. Cheese should be eaten with a 
 fork where it is at all soft, and so should most fruits, as 
 has been said elsewhere. Celery is usually held in the fin- 
 gers and eaten au naturel. 
 
 Another use for the fork is to convey back to the plate 
 fish-bones and other reliquiae which one cannot swallow ; 
 these objects should be got rid of, by means of the fork, in 
 the most quiet and unobtrusive manner possible. 
 
 The spoon is used for water-ices, Roman punch, soup, 
 puddings, tea and coffee, preserves and canned fruits, for 
 all berries, especially if cream is served with them, for cus- 
 tards, in fact, for whatever dishes are too liquid to be man- 
 aged with a fork. A spoon should never be left standing in 
 a teacup, but should be laid on the saucer. 
 
 Never look as if you were trying to swallow either a spoon 
 or a fork ; it has been done, and though the man did not die 
 he came very near it. Do not, either, adopt the childish 
 habit of turning your spoon upside down in your mouth 
 like an abandoned boat at sea. This looks as badly, nay 
 worse than eating bread with the butter-side down. 
 
 It is better to break bread into pieces before buttering 
 it, instead of buttering the whole slice at once. Indeed, 
 only children should take " bites " out of a whole slice of 
 bread. Grown people break off pieces of dry bread with 
 their fingers and eat them, for bread, muffins, biscuits, etc., 
 should never be cut apart, but merely broken. This does 
 not apply, of course, to cutting the bread from the loaf. 
 
 It is very difficult to describe on paper the correct way of 
 carrying the fork or spoon to the mouth. Mrs. Sherwood 
 says : " The fork should be raised laterally to the mouth 
 with the right hand ; the elbow should never be crooked, so
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 89 
 
 as to bring the hand round at a right angle, or the fork 
 directly opposite the mouth." In other words, the fork 
 should be nearly parallel with the mouth, and not at right 
 angles with it. 
 
 Seeing, however, is better than hearing in such a case. 
 For dwellers in cities, a simple recipe would be, Go to the 
 Brevoort or Delmonico's in New York, or to Young's in 
 Boston, and bribe the head waiter to point out to you any 
 " real old families " that may be present, and watch their 
 operations. Alas ! even then you may be disappointed. 
 There are men of old family and high degree who eat un- 
 pleasantly, champing the end of the fork, perhaps, as if 
 it Avere a curb bit. 
 
 While it is very undesirable to appear greedy or in too 
 much haste, still it is always proper to ask to have things 
 handed to you after waiting a suitable length of time. 
 Ask the servant, however, if one is present ; a word or sign 
 will bring an efficient waiter to your side, and you can then 
 quietly tell him what you need. 
 
 At a ceremonious dinner one does not need to ask for any- 
 thing, unless perhaps for a fresh knife or fork (if one's own 
 has fallen upon the floor), a piece of bread, salt, etc. Some 
 people, however, even when staying at the house of an inti- 
 mate friend, will starve rather than ask to have any dish 
 passed to them. This is not in accordance with good man- 
 ners. While it is the part of the host, either personally or 
 through well-trained servants, to see that his guest wants 
 for nothing, it is also the part of the guest to assist his 
 entertainer in the matter, and to mention anything that has 
 been forgotten. 
 
 At a dinner one must not neglect one's next-door neighbors. 
 While it is often pleasanter to listen to some witty and 
 agreeable person opposite than to talk platitudes to the 
 person next you, still one must not appear neglectful ; above
 
 90 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 all a gentleman must not. At a small dinner it is very 
 pleasant occasionally to have the conversation become gen- 
 eral ; at a large dinner, of course it is impossible. 
 
 The old-fashioned custom of thanking your hostess for a 
 meal is now unhappily obsolete. 1 It always seemed such 
 a pretty, primitive, quaint fashion, that one would like to 
 revive it, together with the old colonial mansions which are 
 now once more beginning to adorn our land. As Byron 
 said, 
 
 "Ye have the Pyrrhic dance as yet ; 
 
 Where has the Pyrrhic phalanx gone ? 
 
 Of two such lessons, why forget 
 
 The nobler and the manlier one ?" 
 
 So might one now ask why we could not go back to the 
 courtly ways of our ancestors, as well as adopt their houses, 
 their dress alas ! we pay little heed to their manners. 
 
 Gentlemen always rise when ladies leave the table, and 
 often now accompany them back to the drawing-room. More 
 often, however, they seat themselves again after the ladies 
 have left the room, and enjoy that cigar which is so indis- 
 pensable to the good-nature of most men, and those other 
 favorites, wines and liqueurs. They do not linger long, 
 however. The old and barbarous British custom of in- 
 dulging in deep after-dinner potations is now universally 
 condemned. 
 
 At a dinner-party, if you feel uncertain what to do, ob- 
 serve your neighbors, and do as they do. But above all, 
 
 1 Since writing the above I have received a note from a friend, 
 who suggests that this custom has been very recently revived, in a 
 modified form, the guest saying when she takes her departure, "I 
 have had such a pleasant time ; thank you for asking me." All which 
 proves that great minds think alike, and that the revived colonial 
 architecture, with its white trimmings, is already beginning to have an 
 effect on our manners.
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 91 
 
 endeavor to be calm outwardly and inwardly. Remember 
 that no one is thinking about what you are doing half as 
 much as you are yourself, and if you seem quiet and at ease, 
 people will notice your actions much less than if you seem 
 flurried and troubled. 
 
 If you upset anything on the cloth, or break anything, 
 don't apologize ; and don't be overwhelmed with confusion 
 if you drop your knife or fork. Such accidents have hap- 
 pened before, and will again. If you are too precise and 
 prim, if you are like Dickens's woman, who continually said 
 " Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes, and prisms," you will not 
 appear nearly as well as with a quiet, natural manner. 
 
 Be careful, however, not to talk across people, and not to 
 turn your back to those who sit next you ; be sure also to 
 take off your gloves as soon as you sit down at the table. 
 
 While it is not customary to refuse' soup, it is perfectly 
 proper to refuse one or more courses at a long and elaborate 
 dinner. Menu-cards are very desirable on such occasions, 
 since it is impossible to eat everything without being greedy, 
 and it is pleasant to be able to make one's choice ; but as I 
 have said elsewhere, their day of popularity is rapidly pass- 
 ing away. 
 
 One should not imitate the candor of a distinguished Eng- 
 lishman who dined in Washington with a former Minister to 
 St. James, and who declined canvas-back ducks. His host 
 pressed him to take some, saying that the dish was considered 
 a great delicacy in America. " Thank you, I never eat raw 
 meat," replied the Briton. Nothing daunted, his courteous 
 entertainer sent the ducks back to the kitchen to be more 
 thoroughly cooked. This time the Englishman tried a piece 
 of the meat, and speaking to his wife across the table said, 
 " My dear, try a piece. It is not nearly as nasty as it looks ! " 
 
 To refuse wine, place your hand against the rim of the 
 wine-glass ; it is never necessary to take wine if you do not
 
 92 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 wish to, but in this case it is better not to allow the servant 
 to fill your glass. A wine-glass should be held by the stem 
 and not by the bowl, and the very last drops from it should 
 not be drunk. 
 
 There is some question as to the best method of disposing 
 of one's knife and fork when sending one's plate back for a 
 second helping. Some people say that they should be left 
 on the plate (placed carefully together, with the handles 
 pointing the same way, so that they may not fall off), others 
 contend that they should be retained in the hand ; modern 
 custom strongly inclines to sanction leaving them on the 
 plate, while formerly it was thought proper to remove them. 
 
 This change in sentiment, like so many others of the kind, 
 arises from the different way in which food is now served ; 
 in these days we eat fewer things at a time, therefore our 
 plates are not so much encumbered, and the carver can put a 
 second supply on them without as much difficulty as under 
 the old regime. The carver, too, is often the butler ; whereas 
 formerly he was always the master of the house, whose con- 
 venience was of more importance. 
 
 Where dinner is served in the old-fashioned way, the gen- 
 tleman who sits next to the hostess should always offer to 
 relieve her from the duty of carving : although some ladies, 
 who do it well, prefer to carve themselves. 
 
 Fish should always be cut up with a silver fish knife and 
 fork, as steel should never come in contact with it. 
 
 It is now considered more polite not to pass a plate that 
 has been handed to you, but to keep it yourself. In acting 
 thus you simply accede to the arrangements of your hostess, 
 and make less disturbance, than by endeavoring to make a 
 new order of things. As has been said elsewhere, one does 
 not now wait for other people to be helped before beginning 
 to eat ; the old rule of waiting certainly seemed more 
 polite.
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 93 
 
 Not to take the last piece on a dish when it is handed 
 to you is also a rule which has been relegated to the chil- 
 dren's table. This old rule must have had its origin in more 
 frugal days than the present ; the reason of the new rule is, 
 that if you refuse to take the last piece you imply a doubt 
 of the existence of a further supply in the larder, and such a 
 doubt is a reflection on your host ! This is merely one of 
 the many straws which tend to show what an epoch of 
 luxury and wealth ours is. 
 
 The lady of the house should not allow her plate to be 
 removed until all her guests have finished eating.
 
 CHAPTEK X. 
 
 THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE; ITS FURNITURE AND 
 EQUIPMENT. 
 
 THE service and arrangement of one's table must of course 
 vary largely with one's income, but it is a mistake to let 
 all the expenditure be for the food alone ; part of it should 
 be reserved for refined appointments of the table, fine 
 linen, napkins of generous size, pretty china and glass, and 
 well-polished silver. 
 
 A lady whose generous and well-ordered table was always 
 a pleasure merely to look at, said to the writer, " We have 
 decided to have flowers on table every day this winter, and 
 to make up for the additional expense by having one dish 
 less in our bill of fare;" a very pretty idea, and a sanitary 
 one too, for a rich man's table. We cannot all afford to have 
 hot-house flowers in winter ; but we can afford to have spot- 
 less table-linen, and to keep the silver bright and shining, 
 two very important adjuncts to a well-ordered dinner-table. 
 
 It is the decree of Fashion now that the same napkin 
 must never appear twice on table without being washed in 
 the interim ; hence napkin-rings have gone out of favor, and 
 are not considered in good style. Of course this fashion 
 makes great demands upon the laundress, and cannot well be 
 adopted by large families of moderate means ; but for every 
 one who can afford it, for every one who wishes to have her 
 table appointed with elegance, it is indispensable that the
 
 THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE. 95 
 
 napkins should be changed at every meal and the table- 
 cloths very frequently. 
 
 Large napkins spread on the table-cloth underneath the 
 dishes containing meat are a great protection, as they prevent 
 the spattering of the cloth by the carver. Indeed, fancy 
 napkins made of linen or crash, fringed and embroidered, 
 " carver's cloths," are used by some people. 
 
 A white table-cloth should always be used for dinner ; the 
 pretty tinted cloths and napkins that look so tempting in 
 the windows of the linen draper may be used for breakfast or 
 luncheon, but are not en regie for dinner. 
 
 A table-cloth should not only be snowy-white and per- 
 fectly fresh, it should also be very carefully ironed, and 
 carefully folded before it is ironed, in order that it may lie 
 smooth and even on the table. Where one has been poorly 
 ironed, or has been too stiffly starched, it will hump up in 
 wrinkles in a way that is very unseemly. There should al- 
 ways be an undercloth, not only to make the table-cloth lie 
 smooth, but also to prevent the heat of the dishes from mar- 
 ring the table. White canton flannel of extra width is the 
 best material for this purpose. 
 
 Table-cloths should be of fine linen ; a coarse cloth is al- 
 most certain to offend a delicate taste. Double damask is 
 thought to wear better than single, though it is more expen- 
 sive, and very pretty fine cloths can be bought in single 
 damask. It is now fashionable to embroider table-linen with 
 the cipher (that is, interlaced initials) or crest of the family ; 
 the latter may be placed on the napkins, and should be very 
 delicately worked, and made of small size, in white thread, 
 since nothing is more vulgar than a loud and obtrusive coat- 
 of-arms, especially in this republican country. 
 
 For the table-cloths the cipher should be two or three 
 inches deep, and may be marked in the middle of each end 
 of the cloth, so as to show beyond the dishes.
 
 96 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 For dinner, very large napkins are now used ; for breakfast, 
 they should be rather smaller ; for luncheon, they should be 
 of the same size as dinner napkins. For tea, breakfast nap- 
 kins are of the right size to use, although the little fringed 
 doilies are liked better by some people. A napkin should 
 never be stiff; very little starch should be put in it. It 
 should also be perfectly dry, and simply folded, lying beside 
 the plate, with a roll or thick short piece of bread enclosed, 
 or placed upon it. Bread should never be put on the table 
 at dinner save in this fashion. There should always be a 
 reserve supply ready on the side-table for those who like a 
 great deal of the staff of life. 
 
 How should a napkin be arranged ? According to strict 
 etiquette, it should not be fully unfolded and spread out, but 
 should be laid across the knees, partially opened, to be used 
 as a towel only ; that is to say, to wipe the fingers and 
 mouth. 
 
 The master of ceremonies in the time of Louis Napoleon 
 considered it a decided breach of the etiquette of the table 
 to unfold the napkin entirely and spread it out. But this is 
 a very absurd and unpractical custom, especially for people 
 who are apt to drop their food ; and almost every one does so 
 occasionally. I merely give it as the strict rule for formal 
 occasions and for very careful eaters. 
 
 For every-day use, and for ordinary people, the proper and 
 usual way is to spread the napkin over the knees ; it should 
 never be placed at the neck, save for children, nor should it 
 be tucked into a buttonhole. 
 
 Should the napkin be folded on leaving the table ? It 
 should never be, at a formal or ceremonious meal. At a 
 dinner-party, for instance, no one thinks now-a-days of fold- 
 ing up a napkin ; indeed, the custom is going out of favor 
 generally, as a logical corollary of the fashion of having fresh 
 napkins at every meal. Still, if one is staying at another
 
 THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE. 97 
 
 person's house, and is uncertain what its customs may be, the 
 best way is to watch the hostess and to do as she does in the 
 matter ; because if the lady of the house does not intend to 
 provide clean napery at every meal, her guests must con- 
 form to her usages, otherwise they will appear careless and 
 underbred. 
 
 Fruit napkins should be brought in with the dessert, placed 
 on the dessert-plate beneath the finger-bowl. They are indis- 
 pensable on any formal occasion, unless ornamental doilies are 
 used ; indeed, it is well to use them even at the simplest meal, 
 where fruit is on the table, because they prevent the staining 
 of the white napkins. Some hostesses provide them in addi- 
 tion to the ornamental doilies. In this case the fruit napkin 
 is placed on top of the finger-bowl, or beside it on the plate. 
 
 The large caster-stands which were formerly placed in the 
 centre of the table have now gone entirely out of style, and 
 are replaced by small silver stands for pepper an owl is a 
 favorite shape for them placed at the four corners of the 
 table, or one at each plate. 
 
 Oil and vinegar are usually placed on the sideboard only, 
 but may be placed on the table if preferred, in little orna- 
 mental glass bottles or jugs. Mustard also is relegated to 
 the sideboard by most people. At a very formal dinner, 
 pepper, oil, vinegar, etc., are not permitted on the table. 
 To tell the truth, they are seldom required at such a meal, 
 where every dish has its proper seasoning and sauce ready 
 provided. 
 
 The old-fashioned caster-stand was such an ugly and awk- 
 ward thing that it certainly deserved sentence of banishment. 
 Nor can one regret the exile of the spoon-tumbler, which is 
 now rarely used. 
 
 The truth is that the aesthetic movement in this country 
 is nowhere more visible than in the arrangement and appoint- 
 ments of the table. We have made wonderful advances in 
 
 7
 
 98 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 this matter during the last ten years, and the changes that 
 have taken place are all in the direction of greater elegance 
 and refinement. 
 
 We have grown more indolent too in proportion as we 
 have grown more luxurious, and the appointments of the 
 table are not only more elegant in themselves, they are also 
 such as to obviate the necessity of any passing of dishes save 
 by the servants. We require these to be better trained now 
 than formerly, and to wait more quietly and move constantly. 
 
 The use of a little silver or brass tray or waiter, on which a 
 servant now hands all the dishes, is a very great improvement 
 upon the old-fashioned method by which the servant grasped 
 the dish in her hand, often placing her thumbs unpleasantly 
 near the food. 
 
 On the other hand, the banishment of mats from the table 
 polite is not an unmixed blessing. Many servants find great 
 difficulty in replacing the dishes in their exact places ; and 
 the mat was a great assistance to them in this respect, besides 
 the saving of the cloth that it effected. 
 
 Individual salt-cellars are much used now, and from these 
 it is entirely proper to help yourself with your knife if no 
 salt-spoon has been provided. But housekeepers should 
 remember that where salt-spoons are not used, the salt should 
 be thrown out and replaced by fresh at every meal. 
 
 The crumb-brush is not used nearly as much as was for- 
 merly the case, for the very good reason that it must almost 
 necessarily be somewhat soiled, since it cannot be washed 
 easily and often, like a crumb-scraper or napkin. A silver 
 crumb-scraper with a plate or tray is much used for clearing 
 the table, though a folded napkin is preferable on formal 
 occasions because it makes less noise. 
 
 It has been said in another chapter that separate plates for 
 vegetables are not considered to be in good style. An excep- 
 tion to this rule is made in the case of salad. Where this is
 
 THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE. 99 
 
 served at the same time with vegetables and meat or fish, it is 
 always proper to have a second plate for it, about the size 
 of a tea-plate. The reason is an obvious one ; namely, the 
 unpleasant mixture that would ensue if the oil and vinegar 
 from the dressing should mingle with the vegetables. 
 
 Where no vegetable is served with the salad, a second 
 plate is not needed. Thus fish, with cucumber salad, calls 
 for one plate only ; but if potato is served in addition, then 
 a second is required. It is better, however, to serve the fish 
 with only one accompaniment, either salad or potato, instead 
 of both. No vegetable except potato can be served with 
 fish. 
 
 Butter is now banished even from the family dinner-table 
 by people who follow the new customs. It should be placed 
 upon the sideboard and passed around when sweet potatoes, 
 sweet corn, etc., are served. If butter is used at dinner, 
 butter-plates should always be provided for each person, as 
 otherwise the combination of hot dinner-plates with melting 
 butter slipping down their edges is far from agreeable.
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 CHILDREN, AND HOW THEY SHOULD BEHAVE AT 
 THE TABLE. 
 
 THE parents who bring their children up well and carefully, 
 who furnish them with an adequate physical, mental, and 
 moral training, truly deserve the gratitude of the State, as 
 well as that of their offspring. 
 
 In the mad struggle for wealth which now pervades all 
 clashes of society, this homely, old-fashioned truth is quite 
 lost sight of. Men strain every nerve to amass great fortunes 
 for themselves and their children, and forget that the wealth 
 of Midas himself would not long benefit the man who had 
 not been taught to use it aright. We all know what becomes 
 of a beggar who is set on horseback ; and most of us have 
 seen the ill consequences that too often ensue when a great 
 amount of money is suddenly put into the hands of some 
 gilded and foolish youth, college-bred perhaps, but wanting 
 in all practical training and discipline, nevertheless. 
 
 Golden armor is a great help ; but to fight the battle of life 
 successfully one needs above all to be a skilful soldier. 
 
 Great attention is certainly given now-a-days to education 
 in certain forms, education in schools and colleges ; but 
 even here there is a constant effort to make everything easy 
 and pleasant, to do away with or conceal discipline as far 
 as is possible. All the rough corners are carefully smoothed 
 away, and " the royal road to learning " is the philosopher's
 
 BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 101 
 
 stone for which we of the nineteenth century search with 
 constant and unabating ardor. 
 
 But how about the home training which should supple- 
 ment all these "outside aids" to education and harmonious 
 development ? It is too often neglected ; our children are 
 left to imbibe from chance the sound principles and gentle 
 manners which our forefathers so zealously and faithfully 
 inculcated in the hearts and minds of their offspring. We 
 have a pleasant theory that our young people will go right 
 of themselves, and that they will " pick up " good-breeding 
 somehow or other as they grow older ! 
 
 The morals of our bank cashiers and our great army of 
 embezzlers in general show what are the results of the want 
 of proper moral training ; while the thoughtlessness, selfish- 
 ness, and rudeness of too many young men and women attest 
 the folly of supposing that true good manners will form 
 themselves. 
 
 Of morals it is not the province of this work to treat, 
 except as they are connected with manners. Suffice it to 
 say that before one can rear a fair and comely superstructure 
 of good manners, one must lay deep in the heart their nec- 
 essary foundation, namely, kindness and good-will toward 
 others, and due consideration for their feelings. Just as Latin 
 and Greek are the roots from which spring most of the modern 
 languages of Europe, so are these sentiments of kindliness 
 and thoughtfulness the substantial basis on which rests the 
 good-breeding of the civilized world. 
 
 Hence even from a worldly and superficial point of view 
 the importance cannot be over-estimated, of early impress- 
 ing on the plastic minds of children the right principles 
 which shall govern their minds and manners through 
 life. 
 
 The unfortunate Catharine Howard, fifth wife of Henry 
 VIII., is one of the saddest instances furnished by history
 
 102 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 of the results of parental neglect. We are told that she was 
 left to the care of servants who so corrupted her morals 
 from her girlhood, that when the royal Bluebeard sought 
 a pretext for cutting off her young and beautiful head, the 
 immorality of her past life readily afforded him one. 
 
 The natural savage is visibly present in most children, 
 and nowhere more than at the table. They dislike ex- 
 tremely the necessary restraints that are imposed on them 
 there, as well as the ablutions and general " tidying processes " 
 which precede their meals. It is usually wiser, however, for 
 their parents to endure the inconveniences entailed by their 
 presence at the table, except in families where competent 
 nursery governesses are kept, who can and will train the 
 children properly. 
 
 Some people allow the little ones to take a short recess 
 while the table is being cleared off for dessert ; this is a much 
 better way than keeping them so long at table that they 
 become restless, and wriggle in a very trying manner. 
 
 Do not allow your children to sit sideways, or on the edge 
 of their chairs, or to lean back in them, or to put their 
 elbows on the table. Neither should they be permitted to 
 crumble up and play with their bread, or to make play- 
 things of the stray silver or napkin rings that may be on 
 the table. Bread should always be broken, and not cut, 
 in eating it ; but it need not be pulverized into crumbs, in 
 the favorite fashion of childhood. 
 
 Caution your children, too, always to wipe their mouths 
 both before and after drinking, and not to drink until they 
 have swallowed what they may be eating. Do not let them 
 turn up their glasses or mugs on their noses while drink- 
 ing, or look at people either through the glass or over the 
 top of it. 
 
 They must be taught how to break a potato with a fork 
 (since it is considered ill-bred to touch that vegetable with
 
 BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 103 
 
 a knife), and how to use a bread fork as a necessary ac- 
 companiment to the silver fork, and not to pack the food 
 on the back of it with the help of the knife, which is an 
 ugly and awkward fashion. The fork should always be 
 carried to the mouth with the tines curving down, like a 
 bowl ; that is, in just the reverse fashion from that employed 
 when carving. 
 
 Teach them to take their soup quietly from the side of 
 the spoon, and not to thrust this instrument into their 
 mouths, pointed end foremost, as if they were making an 
 attack with it ! Dessert-spoons should be substituted for 
 full-sized table-spoons for little children to eat soup with, 
 as the latter are uncomfortably large for them to manage. 
 
 Watch your children, and see that they do not lean over 
 the table too far in eating, or put their spoons and forks 
 farther into their mouths than is necessary, or leave them 
 there too long. 
 
 One unpleasant childish trick is to fill the fork full along 
 its whole length, and then to " eat off" part at a time, in- 
 stead of putting just enough on the end of the fork to make 
 a proper-sized mouthful; another trick is to double up a 
 large slice of meat into a comparatively small compass and 
 then bolt it ; still another is to tip the plate to get the last 
 drop of soup, or to polish it in a most surprising manner 
 by scraping up the last possible remnant of pudding or 
 sweetmeats instead of leaving a little " for manners." 
 
 Little separate plates " sauce-plates " for different vege- 
 tables are not allowable except at a boarding-house table; 
 do not therefore -accustom your children to the use of them. 
 And I trust it will be superfluous to add that neither they 
 nor any one else, should ever see toothpicks placed on any 
 private table, or used anywhere save in the solitude of one's 
 own apartment. 
 
 Children sometimes have a depraved tendency to put the
 
 104 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 skins of baked potatoes, bits of fat, or pieces of eggshell on 
 the table-cloth ; and if you cannot induce them to place these 
 reliquiae on the sides of their plates, let them have a saucer 
 in which to lay them. 
 
 They should be taught, as soon as they are old enough, to 
 eat an egg from the shell, instead of taking it out into a cup 
 or glass, since this is a point of good-breeding which many 
 people insist upon very strongly. 
 
 They should be told, also, not to dip cake or bread into a 
 glass of water, and by all means never to put their knives 
 in their mouths, nor to help themselves to any dish with 
 their own knives, forks, or spoons, nor to reach and stretch 
 across the table after some distant goal of their ambition 
 and appetite, nor to reach in front of another person. 
 
 I know one little girl three years of age who is so well 
 trained that she will not help herself from any dish passed 
 to her by the servant unless it is handed secundum artem, 
 on the left side ! Indeed, very little children, after they 
 have once been trained to hold the spoon and fork properly, 
 etc., commit fewer breaches of etiquette than their older 
 brethren and sisters ; hence the importance of watching 
 them carefully at the table, and checking any bad tenden- 
 cies as fast as these may arise. 
 
 Picking out the largest piece of cake or the under slice of 
 toast, or taking first one biscuit from the plate and then 
 putting that back to exchange it for another, are familiar 
 instances of childish "bad manners." 
 
 Poor little souls ! What a long indictment I have made 
 out against them, and of how many terrific misdemeanors 
 do they stand charged ! 
 
 Far be it from me to say anything that shall make the lot 
 of any little one harsh or uncomfortable ! If children stand 
 in need of constant correction, we their parents need also 
 a constant lesson of patience lest we hurt their feelings by
 
 BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 105 
 
 querulous fault-finding, or wound their pride by setting them 
 right when there is company present. 
 
 But if children see their parents and elders always careful 
 to observe the rules of good manners, and if their little care- 
 less or greedy tricks are checked in the very beginning, the 
 task of setting them right will be a comparatively easy one. 
 
 Children are extremely imitative ; and if they see others 
 hand the dishes politely, instead of shoving them along the 
 table, and lay their knives and forks properly on the plate 
 side by side, with the handles together, instead of sprawled 
 about, so that the servant will be apt to drop them when she 
 removes the dishes in clearing off the table, why, the chil- 
 dren will be very apt to pay attention to these little points 
 themselves. 
 
 Do not use expressions at table which are now thought 
 extremely inelegant, whatever their former status may have 
 been, in the constantly varying language of polite society. 
 Thus, never ask any one to " dish out " the food. " Will 
 you be kind enough," or " Will you please help to the ber- 
 ries ] " is the proper phrase. 
 
 The old rule was to help children after the grown people, 
 and the youngest child last ; but a more modern and humane 
 way is to help little children first, if they are present at table. 
 Girls should be helped before boys, just as ladies should 
 invariably be served before gentlemen. Thus all the ladies 
 of the house should be helped before any of the gentlemen 
 are served, even if among the latter there may be some 
 distinguished guest. 
 
 While children should be accustomed to great punctuality 
 at meals, they should not be allowed to hurry and annoy 
 their elders by their own impatience and desire to get 
 through. Children who are of this impatient turn of mind 
 sometimes make every one else uncomfortable through an 
 entire meal, constantly complaining that they shall be late
 
 106 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 to school, or that they will have no time left for play, etc. 
 They tip their chairs, jump up and down on their seats, 
 brandish their napkins, and lament the time that is lost in 
 removing the crumbs, all to the great annoyance of every 
 one else at table. 
 
 It is certainly a breach of etiquette to ask what kind of 
 dessert there is to be, before it appears on the table ; but it is 
 one that is often forgiven to children, as it is hard for them 
 to sit for a long time and then see some dish appear that 
 they especially dislike. 
 
 While children should be brought up for the most part on 
 plain, substantial food, they ought also to be taught as they 
 grow older to eat different kinds of food, and to overcome 
 the prejudices of extreme youth against tomatoes and other 
 vegetables, oysters, etc. It is a small misfortune in this life 
 not to be able to eat what other people do ; not only does 
 it make the fastidious person uncomfortable, but it grieves or 
 mortifies his hosts to find that they have provided nothing 
 that he can eat. 
 
 Of course a thoroughly well-bred person will make no com- 
 plaints under these circumstances, or allude in any way to 
 his dislike of the food before him ; he will be content with 
 something else that is on the table, or console himself with 
 the next course. 
 
 Children should be especially cautioned, when they are 
 about to dine away from home, not to ask for what is not 
 upon the table, like the Southern children who cried out in 
 amazement, " Where is the rice 1" a dish to which they 
 had always been accustomed at home; or like those other 
 very exact infants who asked, " Is this home-made sponge- 
 cake, or baker's, because we are not allowed to eat baker's," 
 etc. Of courSe a considerate hostess who entertains children 
 will inquire carefully about their tastes, and what they are 
 allowed to eat at home.
 
 BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 107 
 
 Children are usually extremely fond of fruit, and they 
 should be taught how to prepare and eat the different kinds, 
 and above all, never to spit the seeds and stones out, but to 
 remove them quietly and carefully with the thumb and fin- 
 gers, or with the fork. Oranges are very difficult for young 
 people to manage, and it is well to have some older person 
 peel them and divide them into pegs, which is the best way 
 for children to eat them. Grown people who are skilful have 
 various pretty ways of cutting up this very juicy fruit ; but 
 many persons not thus dexterous avoid eating oranges in 
 public. English people often pare them with a spoon. 
 
 A steel knife should never be used with fruit of any sort, 
 for the very good reason that the acid in the juice stains the 
 steel, giving it an unpleasant appearance, as well as imparting 
 an unpleasant taste to the fruit. 
 
 All fruit requires great nicety of management in order that 
 the person eating it may not make himself disagreeable to 
 his neighbors. Thus, one who is delicate in his way of eat- 
 ing may very properly eat apples or pears with his fingers 
 after he has nicely peeled and quartered them. But for 
 many people it is safer to eat these fruits with a fork, espe- 
 cially in the case of a very juicy pear. 
 
 The first rule at the table is not to do anything that is 
 unpleasant. Hence it is better to use a fork, even if it may 
 seem affected to do so, rather than to use the fingers and be 
 disagreeable. With very juicy fruits a fork is necessary in 
 order that the fingers may not become soiled. Thus a pine- 
 apple requires a knife and fork both. Bananas should be 
 peeled and sliced with a knife and eaten with a fork. 
 
 Children should also be taught the use of the finger-bowl ; 
 that is, to dip the tips of their fingers in it nicely, and to 
 pass the fingers thus moistened across the mouth, then 
 wiping both the. mouth and fingers delicately on the nap- 
 kin, a fruit napkin, if one has been provided.
 
 108 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 One childish trick I had nearly forgotten to enumerate, 
 that of eating or drinking from one hand while passing a 
 dish or plate with the other. This should never be done ; 
 the child should put down its glass or fork, or whatever it 
 holds in its hand, before attempting to pass anything. In- 
 deed, where the servants who wait are efficient, there is little 
 need of the handing of dishes by those who are sitting at 
 table. 
 
 Children must not be allowed to dip bread in any sauce 
 that may be on their plates, nor to drain off a goblet at a 
 single draught. This is a favorite expression in romance, but 
 is not considered to be in " good form " at the present day. 
 Children like to do it, and then gasp for breath a natural 
 but unpleasant result afterward. Some of them, also, need 
 to be cautioned against speaking when their mouths are full, 
 keeping their mouths open when they are eating, bolting 
 their food, etc. 
 
 Many of them like to read at table ; but this is a most 
 unsocial habit, and is also bad for the digestion, in the 
 opinion of some doctors. If there is any reading at all at a 
 meal, it should be reading aloud, a custom at the table of 
 that noble and learned man, Sir Thomas More. 
 
 But our Sybaritic age does not favor any form of instruc- 
 tion at meals, unless of the mild and doubtful kind which 
 is shed upon us in after-dinner speeches. The elder Pliny 
 not only read at his meals, but when he was going along in 
 the streets ; indeed, reading would appear to have been his 
 normal condition when he was awake. 
 
 A pitcher should be handed with the handle toward the 
 person to whom it is passed. Spoons and forks should be 
 held by the middle, and knives by the lower part of the 
 shaft, the handles always turned toward the recipient. 
 
 Should children be allowed to talk at the table ? Yes, and 
 no. It is cruel to follow the rules of our ancestors and
 
 BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 109 
 
 expect the little ones to preserve perfect silence through a 
 long meal. On the other hand, children's tongues are danger- 
 ous gear to set in motion, and should never be allowed to 
 gain full headway at the table, especially if any guests are 
 present. Children should never be allowed to appear at a 
 dinner-party, unless the occasion is a very friendly and 
 informal one. Even then it is better to place them at a 
 side-table. 
 
 If they are allowed to talk at all they must be cautioned 
 not to do so while they are eating, not to interrupt other 
 people, not to make personal remarks about any one at the 
 table, and not to argue or find fault. 
 
 It seems to me that the theme, or main and initiative part 
 of the conversation, should be left to the " grown-ups ; " while 
 the younger members of the family may strike in occasion- 
 ally with a " piano " accompaniment, or some variations of 
 moderate length only.
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 LUNCHEONS. 
 
 A DINNER-PARTY has become in these days such an elabo- 
 rate and formal affair that the timid and modest entertainer, 
 or one who shrinks from ceremony, no longer invites people 
 to dine with him. An invitation to dinner seems such a 
 solemn thing, even if you protest and declare that the dinner 
 will be strictly en famille ! The word " dinner " implies of 
 necessity a certain degree of formality; "luncheon," on the 
 other hand, may imply anything or nothing ; it is a delight- 
 fully elastic meal and name, and includes every sort of re- 
 past, from a bowl of bread and milk to a grand banquet of 
 seventeen courses ! 
 
 If your friend lunches with you and finds everything on 
 a simple and unpretending scale, he may still imagine that 
 at your dinner-table all is very different. But if you are 
 " found wanting " in the preparations for your dinner, then 
 indeed have you given away your last stronghold ; beyond 
 this can no imagination go. 
 
 To avoid this unhappy result many people invite their 
 friends to take luncheon, or " stout tea," and you go and eat 
 what is virtually a dinner in all but the name. 
 
 Between a formal lunch-party and a dinner there is really 
 very little difference. Bouillon is usually served in cups, in- 
 stead of soup in soup-plates, at luncheon. When the guests 
 enter the dining-room they find these cups already filled, and 
 set at each place on a plate.
 
 LUNCHEONS. Ill 
 
 Tea and coffee, if served at all, are handed around in the 
 dining-room, and never in the drawing-room, as they often 
 are at a dinner-party. Menu-cards should never be used at 
 luncheon ; indeed, many people consider them as inelegant, 
 and declare that they are only in place on public occasions 
 or at stag parties. At a lunch only a few wines are given, 
 and the courses are rather less substantial in character than 
 at a dinner. But where the occasion is a ceremonious one, 
 the table is set very much as it would be for a dinner-party 
 minus the lights ; and even these are not wanting at some 
 luncheons. There is the same profusion of flowers, silver, 
 glass, and china ware, and the dishes are all served from the 
 sideboard and handed around by the servants. 
 
 The guests go into the dining-room separately instead of 
 arm-in-arm, the ladies going first, and the gentlemen follow- 
 ing them. The ladies' toilets, though sometimes elaborate, 
 are never such as are worn at dinner or in the evening. 
 Often there is a great variety of dress on these occasions, 
 some ladies wearing very elegant reception dresses, others ap- 
 pearing in tailor-made street costumes. Bonnets are usually 
 worn, but gloves are of course removed before sitting down to 
 table. Gentlemen appear in morning dress, if they appear at 
 all ; but most lunch-parties in America are given for ladies 
 alone. Sometimes, where quite a number of guests are pres- 
 ent, many little tables are used, three or four guests sitting at 
 each ; or again, at a very large lunch, no one sits at table, the 
 refreshments being handed around in the dining-room. 
 
 Among the very pleasantest lunches are the informal fa- 
 miliar occasions where six or eight friends meet together 
 and enjoy a plain but substantial meal spiced with plenty of 
 bright and witty talk. If a suburban friend or a gentleman 
 of leisure accidentally arrives, he is warmly welcomed to the 
 elastic meal, and many a charitable project, many a pleasant 
 excursion or summer trip, is planned and arranged in this
 
 112 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 leisure moment of a busy day. In short, lunch-time is 
 the kaleidoscopic part of the twenty-four hours ; the combi- 
 nations that then arise charm us, because they are unforeseen. 
 Old friends who have not met for years, perhaps, and busy 
 people with "just a moment" to spare, all may meet at this 
 enchanted hour, meet and part as bubbles do, the bright 
 prismatic colors of the rainbow flashing for a moment in 
 their friendly talk ; and then, presto ! all is silence. One 
 guest has gone to a concert, another to a committee meeting, 
 a third to her studio, and a fourth to offer up the constantly- 
 recurring sacrifice of her time demanded by that insatiable 
 Moloch, Family Shopping! 
 
 For such a lunch-table as I have just described, a great 
 latitude in the matter of the bill of fare is allowable, though 
 meat in some form, or soup, should certainly be found upon 
 it. Cold meats and salads are always appropriate, but most 
 people prefer some hot dishes even at lunch. Fried oysters, 
 croquettes, French chops, fish, even a plain beefsteak or a 
 dish of minced meat, if nicely cooked and served, may be 
 placed on the lunch-table. 
 
 Chocolate is a favorite beverage with many people, and is 
 more suitable for the middle of the day than for the evening, 
 being a rather heavy and not very digestible form of food. 
 
 The plates should be changed for dessert, and for each 
 course where there are several courses. 
 
 In England it is quite customary at informal luncheons 
 for the servants to leave the dining-room after they have 
 helped the guests to the joint (which is an inevitable feature 
 of English luncheons) and handed around the vegetables and 
 the wine, leaving the host and hostess to help to the entries, 
 where there are any, and to the sweets. The same informal- 
 ity is allowable in this country ; but in most American 
 houses a hostess prefers to have the assistance of a servant, 
 unless at a very simple lunch. It is to be feared that we are
 
 LUNCHEONS. 113 
 
 lazier about waiting upon ourselves than our English breth- 
 ren ; and we also dislike less than they do the presence of 
 servants at table, and the restraint that it entails. 
 
 The usual cover for lunch consists of two knives, two forks, 
 one or two spoons, a water-goblet, and if wine is given, two 
 wine-glasses, one for sherry and one for claret. The bread 
 is folded in the napkin, as at dinner. With bouillon, a large 
 teaspoon is provided. Where the lunch is a very elaborate 
 one, three knives and forks may be set at each place, or two 
 knives and three forks, a fork for raw oysters also, etc. 
 
 According to English custom, tea and coffee are not given 
 at luncheon, wine taking their place. But in America we 
 cannot do without our tea and coffee even when wine is 
 served. As we have no leisure class of men to stay at home 
 and take lunch with us, it has become quite a feminine meal, 
 and American ladies do not care much for wine, except 
 possibly for champagne. 
 
 At an informal occasion the hostess pours out the tea and 
 coffee ; at a formal one, they are passed around on a wajter 
 by the servant, two or three cups at a time, a second servant 
 following with cream and sugar, also on a salver. The coffee 
 must be served as it would be after dinner ; that is, strong 
 black coffee {cafe noir) in small cups, accompanied with tiny 
 coffee-spoons. Strict etiquette forbids the use of milk with 
 this beverage in its after-dinner form ; but although Ameri- 
 cans dearly love to copy foreign etiquette, they also love to 
 be comfortable and to make other people so ; hence the pres- 
 ence of the cream-jug is connived at by many hostesses. It 
 is not necessary to give both tea and coffee at luncheon ; 
 either one may be given alone, or chocolate may be substi- 
 tuted for them both. Coffee is usually preferred to tea, 
 especially by young people. 
 
 The wine may be set on table in decanters, either sherry 
 or claret, or both. Light sparkling wines are sometimes pre- 
 
 8
 
 114 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ferred for luncheon, or champagne, where the occasion is a 
 formal one. 
 
 In setting the table the fruit and the dessert are often 
 placed on it, and the meats either served from a side-table or 
 set before the lady of the house, who helps her guests. With 
 this arrangement the vegetables are handed from the buffet. 
 In England finger-bowls are not used at luncheon ; with us 
 they often are, and are set on table just as they would be at 
 dinner. 
 
 At elegant lunch-parties the service is usually d la Russc, 
 and each lady finds a bouquet of flowers or some pretty 
 painted trifle or other favor beside her plate. It is not usual 
 to remain very long after luncheon, as the hostess may have 
 other engagements for the afternoon ; half an hour is long 
 enough to stay unless where music is given, or unless in the 
 case of intimate friends, who are privileged to linger. 
 
 What is the difference between lunch and luncheon 1 Just 
 about as much as between tweedledum and tweedledee. The 
 English call the meal luncheon, and we are beginning to do 
 the same thing in this country. Some people consider it 
 very affected to speak of the meal otherwise than as " lunch " 
 or a "lunch-party;" but these are rather conservative indi- 
 viduals. According to present use in this country " lunch " 
 and "luncheon" are practically synonymous; the terms "a 
 ladies' lunch," " lunch-party " may be thought more eupho- 
 nious than "a ladies' luncheon," etc., and are certainly very 
 often used. 
 
 Lunch affords a good opportunity for housekeeper and cook 
 to display their ingenuity, many excellent dishes suitable for 
 this meal being in one form or another rechauffes from the 
 previous day's dinner. At the family lunch-table many 
 little odds and ends can be used which would be unsuitable 
 for any more formal meal, but which fill up the gaps very 
 conveniently at this delightfully unceremonious repast.
 
 LUNCHEONS. 115 
 
 Invitations for lunch are formal or informal according to 
 the nature of the occasion. They are usually written in the 
 first person, or even given verbally, but are sometimes en- 
 graved for a very ceremonious entertainment. They should 
 be answered promptly where one has reason to suppose the 
 lunch will be a " sit down " affair ; since the hostess ought 
 to know which of her guests are coming, although it will not 
 make so much difference in her arrangements as in the case 
 of a dinner. In the same way a little more indulgence is 
 shown to late comers at luncheon ; though, as has been said 
 above, much depends upon whether the occasion is to be a 
 ceremonious one. If any unforeseen occurrence should pre- 
 vent a guest from attending a formal luncheon, she should 
 send her hostess word at once, that her place may if possible 
 be filled. 
 
 Those who follow English customs closely never permit a 
 butler (or head-waiter) to wear full dress when waiting at a 
 lunch-party, even if it be of a very formal character. " Dark 
 morning costume " is the correct dress for a butler until the 
 magic hour for dinner arrives ; he may wear dark but not 
 black trousers, a black coat, and black necktie. Where two 
 men-servants wait on table the second wears livery, unless the 
 head of the house disapproves of the costume on principle. 
 
 Gentlemen sometimes ask whether ladies' lunches are not 
 very tame and tiresome ; very dull affairs, in short, without 
 the great masculine element to give them tone. Alas for the 
 vanity of men ! How sad it is that they can never know 
 (unless they hide themselves in the wine-cooler or behind 
 the buffet) what a jolly time women can have together, or 
 how fast feminine tongues can wag when unrestricted by the 
 presence of lords and masters ! 
 
 There is another great pleasure that ladies derive from these 
 feminine lunches apart from the never-ending delight of 
 unremitting conversation. This is the gratification of the
 
 116 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 sesthetic taste, with a hundred dainty devices and delicate 
 articles of food whose beauty and value would be thrown 
 away on the coarser masculine mind and palate. 
 
 Where but at a ladies' lunch or a fairy revel would you ex- 
 pect to find a course of calla lilies, each lady having on her 
 plate one of these white blossoms with a few early straw- 
 berries tucked away in its delicate cup ? Where else would 
 you find your sherbet lying cold at the heart of a " truly " 
 tulip, or frozen in the form of a candle and candlestick, with 
 real wick burning at the end, a dainty shade surmounting 
 the whole ? Would you or could you reasonably expect, at 
 any other meal, to find your rolls tied up with ribbon, and 
 green (paper) frogs hopping about on your plate under the 
 shade of most unpleasantly realistic ice-cream toadstools 1 
 
 We hope not ; the mania for blending is all very well, but 
 some things do not mingle, and it is useless trying to make 
 them do so. Ribbons are lovely in themselves, and for many 
 centuries have appealed direct to the feminine heart ; but why 
 should they be mingled with our food 1 What possible con- 
 nection can there be between ribbons and bread ? It would 
 look perfectly ridiculous to see the family loaf adorned with 
 a wide ribbon bow on its broad brow ; and why does not little 
 bread look just as absurd garnished with narrow ribbon? 
 
 How pleasant were the old times when we could eat out of 
 china, when we thought plates were good enough for us, and 
 did not consider it necessary to take our food out of paste- 
 board boxes, silken bags, and paper cups, nor to have station- 
 ery and haberdashery hopelessly mixed up with our viands ! 
 Ribbon is now the serpent whose trail is over all. If I 
 found it in my soup, I should not murmur at the all-pervading 
 decrees of Decorative Art, but should meekly draw it out as 
 an article not calculated to assist digestion. 
 
 Despite these little incongruities and fanciful extrava- 
 gances, there is much to admire in and on the lunch-table of
 
 LUNCHEONS. 117 
 
 to-day. The table-cloth, to begin with, is a poem in linen, a 
 poem, alas ! which, with its elaborate drawn-work and won- 
 drous lace-like effects, may have cost some poor woman her eye- 
 sight. The color which a stern good taste forbids in a dinner- 
 cloth is considered quite allowable in a lunch-cloth. The 
 handsomest ones are white, however, with a dash of color 
 here and there. A beautiful set of table linen which sold 
 recently for the moderate sum of fifty dollars, showed a 
 bunch of grapes worked solid in fine gold-colored silk at 
 each corner of the cloth ; this was bordered with elaborate 
 drawn-work, finished with knotted white fringe. The large 
 doilies, six in number, matched the cloth, save that the 
 design was made smaller. The solid masses of golden berries 
 clustered at each corner of the table and nestled beside the 
 plate of each guest gave a rich golden effect that reminded 
 the beholder of King Midas's famous meal. But the reminder 
 was a delicate and artistic one, a shadowy likeness in soft 
 silk, not a bold copy in gross metal. 
 
 At some ladies' lunches one must begin before the table- 
 cloth, because the ceremonies of ornamentation commence in 
 the dressing-room. Here the ladies find enormous cards, each 
 one decorated with a bow of different-colored satin ribbon 
 (the inevitable serpent), pink, blue, orange, lilac, etc., while 
 the legend beneath sets forth that the ladies whose names are 
 written on the orange card will please sit at the orange table, 
 and so on, through all the colors. 
 
 At the lunch-party of which I am now writing, assurance 
 was made doubly sure, each lady's name being painted in gold 
 letters on the wide streamer which flowed from her basket of 
 flowers. The end of this ribbon was caught around the 
 napkin so as to bring the name uppermost, thus forming 
 a novel sort of dinner-card. The yellow ladies had golden 
 baskets containing yellow flowers, the pink ladies had pink 
 roses, etc. On each table was a handsome candelabrum con-
 
 118 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 taining lighted candles of the color to match the prevailing 
 decoration, with shades of the same hue ; smilax and delicate 
 flowers were wreathed about these candelabra, still maintain- 
 ing the harmony of color. This dainty feast was called " a 
 rainbow lunch." 
 
 At a luncheon there is an excellent opportunity for the dis- 
 play of beautiful china, the daylight showing the beauty of 
 the ware to great advantage. Where people have well-filled 
 china-closets, a complete change of design and color is made 
 for each course. The delicacy of some of these courses is 
 almost exaggerated, and recalls to mind the nightingales' 
 tongues of ancient Rome. If a countryman with a hearty, 
 healthy appetite were set down in the midst of one of these 
 feasts, what would he think ? Probably he would be of the 
 opinion that he had seen no real and actual luncheon, but 
 " samples " merely of several large repasts that were going on 
 elsewhere. Certainly a pdte no larger than a silver dollar 
 looks like nothing but a sample of some more adequate pie, 
 even if the pdte is composed, as it usually is, of the most 
 rich and mysterious ingredients. jljAJr sn^Y 
 
 One of the new fancies is to eat off dfiinty little inetal spits, 
 or skewers, each one ornamented with a butterfly by way of 
 a handle. On these spits may be strung delicate morsels of 
 chicken liver, infinitesimal scraps of nicely browned pork, etc. 
 Each skewer is brought in erect, being firmly planted in a 
 groundwork of some aesthetic paste. 
 
 No, I am not speaking of the days of Heliogabalus, al- 
 though for the moment it seemed as if I must be. Where all 
 this luxury will end is hard to say. As our people are in the 
 main very sensible, they will probably get tired of this ex- 
 treme frippery in the course of a few years, just as they have 
 abandoned the Queen Anne style of architecture. After out- 
 gabling gables, and indulging in a perfect frenzy of peaked 
 roofs, balconies, and loggias, they suddenly made the amazing
 
 LUNCHEONS. 119 
 
 discovery that the inside of the house was the part actually 
 lived in (at least in our climate), and that perhaps it would 
 be well to have the dwelling-rooms large enough for comfort, 
 instead of being chopped up into mince-meat, sacrificed for 
 the appearance of the exterior. So Americans have soberly 
 returned to building houses with simple outlines, and that 
 contain large rooms, and they have hung the pumpkin, or 
 its color, on the outer wall, to show that we still believe in 
 the Puritans and in their favorite vegetable. 
 
 In the same way the ladies' lunches, with their twenty 
 courses of china and glass, will no doubt subside before long 
 as suddenly as a lofty and imposing but empty card-house 
 tumbles to the ground. We may not perhaps return to the 
 plain roast and boiled, the simple fare in which old George 
 III. delighted, but rather to that safe middle path, the golden 
 mean, which avoids all excesses alike, whether of luxury or 
 of simplicity. 
 
 It has become the fashion now to speak of any meal taken 
 between or after the regular meals as a luncheon. Thus 
 sandwiches and beer, or any other light refreshments, if eaten 
 at two o'clock in the morning, on returning from a ball, 
 constitute a " luncheon," and not a supper. 
 
 The French dejeiiner d, la fourchette does not differ mate- 
 rially from what we call luncheon. It is now becoming the 
 fashion to invite people to late breakfast, instead of to lunch ; 
 but few of the guests would know the difference between 
 the two meals, except from the wording of the invitation. 
 A " French breakfast " takes place somewhat earlier than a 
 lunch, at twelve o'clock instead of one, for instance. 
 
 The first course usually consists of fruit, strawberries, 
 melons, or whatever fruit is in season. In the succeeding 
 courses there are often various preparations of eggs, since 
 these belong more distinctively to breakfast than to luncheon. 
 At some houses every meal begins with a course of fruit.
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 
 
 WITH the ever-increasing luxury of the present day a new 
 fashion has grown up ; namely, that of giving frequent and 
 expensive entertainments for a few people rather than large 
 parties for society in general. Thus many ladies now give 
 a dozen handsome lunches and dinners to repay their social 
 obligations and entertain their friends, where fifteen or 
 twenty years ago they would have given three or four large 
 soire'es. 
 
 There are many advantages in the new system, and many 
 drawbacks as well. The beauty, aesthetic and gustatory, of 
 a modern feast is not to be denied, and has been described 
 at some length in another part of this volume. But the ten- 
 dency of these comparatively small reunions is to divide 
 people into cliques and sets, to encourage the animal within 
 us, to make us selfish, and to do away with the larger and 
 more catholic gatheringj which have their own charm, a 
 charm apart from the aesthetic gratification of the senses 
 which the modern dinner-table affords. 
 
 Let us lunch and dine, by all means, but let us also enter- 
 tain in a more general way ; otherwise we shall be apt to 
 invite and be invited by the same people over and over again, 
 excluding from our feasts the lame and halt whom the Bible 
 bids us ask as our guests. The lame and halt, socially 
 
 speaking, who does not know them ? Mr. . a man 
 
 with the divine spark of poetry in him, is one of them. He
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 121 
 
 shall write verses when his heart is touched, cere jjerenuius ; 
 and his talk how full of thought, his wit how subtle and 
 delicate ! But he lives in a small old-fashioned house, and 
 dines not, neither is he dined. 
 
 Mrs. is another of this fraternity. She has a large 
 
 house and a sufficient income, but does not know how to 
 entertain people, and fears to invite them lest they should be 
 bored. Younger brothers and older sisters belong to those 
 who are socially disabled as far as dinner-parties are con- 
 cerned. A dinner-party is necessarily very limited as to the 
 number of guests; hence, only two, or at the utmost three, 
 can be invited out of the same family. These will usually 
 be the most eligible members of it ; the handsomest daugh- 
 ter and the most agreeable son will be asked over and over 
 again ; papa and mamma, if they are quiet dull people, will 
 be "left out in the cold" altogether, unless they defend 
 themselves by giving dull dinners of their own to those 
 who may be counted upon to invite them in return. 
 
 Luckily there is one form of general entertainment which 
 is still very popular, and in which even suburban lame ducks 
 can find their account. " Afternoon teas," revived in Eng- 
 land about twenty years ago, and imported to this country 
 soon afterward, are certainly a most admirable institution. 
 What if the dissipation they afford is of the mildest type ? 
 It may be mild, but 'it is perennial. An afternoon tea is 
 so cheap that anybody can afford to give one, and involves 
 so little trouble and formality that even the most timid or 
 most lazy hostess need not shrink before the very diminutive 
 lions it brings into her path. She need only provide tea, 
 coffee, or chocolate, with thin slices of bread and butter or 
 sandwiches, fancy biscuits, and cake. 
 
 Indeed, some of the pleasantest five-o'clock teas are the most 
 informal ones, where the lady of the house has all the tea- 
 equipage in the drawing-room, placed on a little table beside
 
 122 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 her, and where she pours out the fragrant beverage for her 
 friends as they drop in, two or three at a time. For an 
 occasion of this sort it would be sufficient to provide fancy 
 biscuits or cake to accompany the tea, and the invitations 
 would be given out quite informally. They might either 
 be verbal, or written or engraved on a lady's visiting-card ; 
 thus, 
 
 tacu 
 
 Friday* in January 
 
 and February. * 
 
 If the hostess intends to receive on that day throughout the 
 season, " Fridays " or " Friday " would be sufficient. Where 
 a lady gives only one or two " afternoon teas," the refresh- 
 ments are on a somewhat more elaborate scale, but may still 
 be simple if she prefers to have them so. 
 
 Many people who dine late in our large cities have five- 
 o'clock tea served every day, and are almost always at home 
 to friends at that hour. But what a difference is there be- 
 tween the reception you A^ill meet at various houses, even 
 where the invitations are precisely alike and the preparations 
 for receiving guests made on just the same scale ! 
 
 Some people are so formal in their very natures, that they 
 impart frigidity to all who approach them. Your backbone 
 begins to straighten itself up at the very aspect of the ser- 
 vant who opens the door, whether he is a wooden footman or 
 one of those preternaturally prim maid-servants who seem to
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 123 
 
 have caught an inward starch from long contact with their 
 grim mistresses. 
 
 If on entering the parlor yon find the furniture uphol- 
 stered in blue satin of a more than usual degree of slipperi- 
 ness, it will all seem part of one general plan. You will only 
 sit on the very edge of your chair, and as you receive your 
 tea from the hands of another frozen menial you will wonder 
 how the tea can keep hot under such chilling influences ! 
 
 Of course the conversation will turn upon the weather (on 
 looking out of the window you observe that it has suddenly 
 begun to snow), and will be extremely limited, for the guests 
 will not be introduced to one another, and they will feel the 
 gene of their austere surroundings. The hostess is robed in 
 satin, like her chairs, and her hair has been dressed by a 
 hair-dresser. The solemn servant passes around marrons 
 glaces, or candied rose-leaves; but how can one insult his 
 dignity by receiving such childish trifles at his hands 1 None 
 but the most candy-hardened school-girl would dare to touch 
 the little trifling bonbon tongs which surmount the sugary 
 heap. 
 
 Slipping away from the congealing hospitality of this house, 
 you go to another only a few blocks distant, and the sound 
 of merry laughter greets your ear the moment that the door 
 opens to admit you. Within, you find yourself in a wide 
 spacious hall, through which you pass to a suite of three par- 
 lors. In each an open fire gives a cheerful look to the apart- 
 ment, but the farthest is the centre of attraction. Here 
 stands the tea-table, with a pretty girl sitting at either end 
 pouring out tea and coffee. In this room also is the host- 
 ess, handsome, cordial, hospitable. Her hair, to be sure, is 
 gray, but her heart does not match it, ft la Byron. She 
 receives every guest with a cordial grasp of the hand, and her 
 face is so beaming with kindliness and the true "spirit of 
 hospitality that every one feels himself sincerely welcomed.
 
 124 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 The busy hostess hardly sits still for a moment ; she wishes 
 to be sure that all her guests are amused and happy, that 
 they are provided with tea and cake, and, what is more im- 
 portant, that they have some one to talk to. Perhaps she has 
 several lions among her company of the afternoon, and she 
 wishes to see that all have a fair chance to make the ac- 
 quaintance of these distinguished visitors. 
 
 This lady does not believe in the modern theory of non- 
 introduction, although you will find in her salon fashionable 
 women and distinguished men, a brilliant and charming 
 assembly, where every one feels at home, and accepts cor- 
 dially the hostess's parting invitation to " come next time." 
 Xo, she does not live in Boston, this particular hostess, 
 though no doubt the Hub can boast of some ladies who en- 
 tertain with the same cordiality and grace. 
 
 The refreshments at an afternoon tea are so few and simple 
 that they ought without peradventure to be the very best of 
 their kind. The tea should be properly steeped in absolutely 
 boiling water, but never allowed to boil on the stove, and 
 ought to be accompanied with cream, and not milk. Where 
 a large number of guests are expected, the tea and coffee 
 should be in urns, kept warm by alcohol lamps. 
 
 Some people have the servants hand around cups of tea 
 and coffee on a waiter, instead of pouring out these bever- 
 ages themselves; but this method takes away half the 
 charm and air of reality of the tea-drinking. The hostess 
 herself cannot undertake to entertain her guests and pour 
 tea too, except where very few people are present. She 
 can usually, however, depute the duty to a daughter of 
 the house, or bespeak beforehand the services of some other 
 friend. 
 
 In the time of good Queen Anne they even went so far as 
 to grind the coffee in public when the august sovereign 
 gave an afternoon tea.
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 125 
 
 For lo 1 the board with cups and spoons is crown'd, 
 The berries crackle, and the mill turns round; 
 On shining altars of Japan they raise 
 The silver lamp ; the fiery spirits blaze ; 
 From silver spouts the grateful liquors glide, 
 While China's earth receives the smoking tide: 
 At once they gratify their scent and taste, 
 And frequent cups prolong the rich repast. 
 
 POPE : Rape of the Lock. 
 
 The good queen evidently liked her beverages hot ; and 
 the modern hostess should remember that not only the tea 
 and coffee but the boiled milk as well should be hot, and 
 not lukewarm. Cream makes a wonderful improvement in 
 the flavor of both tea and coffee. 
 
 If bread and butter are provided, the bread must be of wafer- 
 like thinness, spread nicely with " the best of butter " and 
 arranged sandwich fashion, with the crusts trimmed off. In 
 summer, iced tea flavored with lemon and served without 
 cream or milk is sometimes substituted for hot tea. Eng- 
 lish Breakfast is now the favorite and fashionable variety of 
 tea, though Oolong and Japan teas still have their faithful 
 adherents. 
 
 The little low five-o'clock tea-tables, with their dainty em- 
 broidered cloths, are so pretty and picturesque that it seems 
 a thousand pities not to use them. But they will be found 
 inconvenient, except on very small occasions, not only on 
 account of their diminutive size, but because they are so low. 
 A rather small table of the ordinary height, placed against 
 the wall, may be substituted for the regulation five-o'clock 
 tea-table ; at this the hostess is not obliged to sit down every 
 time that she pours out tea. 
 
 When cards are issued for only one or two afternoon teas, 
 the refreshments are usually on a more elaborate scale, and 
 often comprise bouillon, ice-cream, lemonade, punch, and even 
 oysters and salads. The latter belong more properly to a
 
 126 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 reception; but afternoon teas, receptions, and kettledrums 
 melt into one another by imperceptible gradations, and the 
 names are often used interchangeably. Strictly speaking, the 
 five-o'clock or afternoon tea is the least formal occasion of 
 the three, the kettledrum coming next in order, while the 
 afternoon reception, or "at home," is the most ceremonious 
 of them all. 
 
 Fora reception the hostess usually wears a hand some' demi- 
 toilet, silk, satin, or velvet, made with a train, and cut down 
 at the throat if the wearer chooses. But she never wears full 
 evening dress, as this would be in very bad taste. The house 
 is often handsomely decorated with flowers, and a dressing- 
 room is thrown open for those ladies who may prefer to take 
 off their outside wraps, a second room being provided for 
 the accommodation of gentlemen. The guests may, if they 
 choose, wear handsome reception toilets, but never remove 
 their bonnets unless they have been previously invited to 
 receive with the hostess. As the same people often attend 
 several receptions, teas, etc., in the same afternoon, quite a 
 variety of dress is worn, many ladies preferring to appear 
 in the plain tailor-made street costumes that are now so 
 fashionable. 
 
 Gentlemen wear morning dress on all afternoon occasions ; 
 namely, black or dark frock-coat, with high waistcoat to 
 match, dark or gray trousers, and scarf or necktie. 
 
 They leave their overcoats, umbrellas, etc., in the hall, or 
 in the dressing-room if one has been provided for their use. 
 Their hats they may bring with them into the drawing-room 
 if they prefer to do so. 
 
 For a very handsome reception the rooms are sometimes 
 lighted by artificial light, the windows being darkened by 
 shutters or blinds, and a band of musicians is placed behind 
 a leafy screen where it can discourse sweet music with- 
 out being seen. The hostess stands near the door, so
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 127 
 
 that she can readily welcome her guests as they enter the 
 drawing-room. People do not usually remain very long at 
 an occasion of this sort ; half an hour's stay is sufficient to 
 meet the requirements of politeness, but this is often pro- 
 longed to an hour or more, according to whether the guest is 
 amused or not, and to the number of friends and acquaint- 
 ances whom he happens to meet. 
 
 <^Vl46 . 
 
 . / t j 
 
 ftom fettt & atac o cwcn, 
 
 The above is a proper form for an invitation to a reception. 
 The whole card may be engraved, or the invitation may 
 be written on a visiting card. It was formerly considered 
 proper to use figures in an invitation, for the day of the 
 month, the hour, etc. ; but the new fashion is to have all the 
 numbers except that of the street engraved in full, as in 
 the card given above. If the invitation is written on a 
 visiting card, it is still allowable to use figures. 
 
 As has been said elsewhere, it is not strictly correct to put 
 either "R S. V. P." or "to meet Miss So and so" on an "at 
 home" card : but it is often done now, custom and convenience 
 sanctioning the solecism.
 
 128 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 isWUt. 
 
 , ja 
 
 <7 
 
 A) meet 
 
 iSWt4. tennina* 
 tf / 
 
 <%teet. 
 
 This card means, if it means anything, that Mrs. Barclay 
 intends to stay at home to give herself the pleasure of meet- 
 ing Mrs. Smith, and that your views of her conduct on this 
 occasion are respectfully requested, as those of an impartial 
 third person. But it is useless to sneer at the decrees of 
 fashion. By and by some leader of the social world will 
 invent a different form of invitation, and we shall all follow 
 his lead like so many well-bred sheep. 
 
 Kettledrums are said to have received their name from the 
 fact that they were originally given by the wives of officers at 
 the headquarters of the latter, a drum making an impromptu 
 stand for the tea-equipage. 
 
 It is more likely, however, that the name is a survival or 
 revival of the old English " drum," a word which was con- 
 stantly used in Queen Anne's time and later, to describe
 
 AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 129 
 
 fashionable gatherings. Smollett says : " This is a riotous 
 assembly of fashionable people of both sexes at a private 
 house, consisting of some hundreds ; not unaptly styled a 
 drum, from the noise and emptiness of the entertainment." 
 
 The word " kettledrum" is not often used in invitations now, 
 though for a time it was quite the rage to call every afternoon 
 occasion by this name. A kaffee-klatsch is the newest name 
 for afternoon tea or rather coffee drinking. It certainly has 
 an admirably descriptive sound, this title, and conveys 
 the idea of boundless talk, clatter of spoons, and the harm- 
 less (?) scratch of gossip better than any of its predecessors. 
 
 The following is a form often used for invitations to after- 
 noon teas. 
 
 Friday, February sixth, 
 Tea at five o'clock.
 
 CHAPTEE XIV. 
 
 BALLS AND DANCING-PARTIES, THEIR ARRANGEMENTS, ETC. 
 
 FORMULAS for invitations to balls and dances have been 
 already given in the chapter on Invitations. For a large 
 ball, especially if it be given at a very gay season, when 
 people will be apt to have numerous engagements, the invi- 
 tations are sometimes sent out three or four weeks before- 
 hand. This is notably the case in London, where the short 
 season of gayety is crowded with social events. 
 
 In America, we have few houses that are large enough to 
 give balls in with any comfort to the dancers. Indeed, not 
 many of them can boast a regular ball-room ; and yet Amer- 
 icans are extremely fond of dancing, and dance extremely 
 well. We have therefore adopted the custom of giving pri- 
 vate balls at public assembly-rooms ; and for the dancers this 
 is infinitely more agreeable than trying to dance in crowded 
 parlors, where the heat and the great crowd of non-combatants 
 destroy all the pleasure for the young people. 
 
 It is in vain that the hospitable host and hostess at a private 
 ball throw open their mansion from top to bottom, and arrange 
 card-tables in the hope that the elderly will be lured away 
 from the main scene of action. They will not be ; every one 
 Avants to hear the music and see the dancing, save perhaps 
 a few flirtatious couples who wander away to deserted nooks 
 and corners.
 
 BALLS AND DANCING PARTIES. 131 
 
 But in the assembly-rooms at Delmonico's in New York, 
 or at Pierce's Hall in Boston, there is room for every one. 
 The elders can sit in comfort, without the danger of any- 
 body's trampling on their feet or crushing their dresses, and 
 the dancers have a delightful floor, spacious, smooth, and not 
 too slippery. The music, too, can be placed and heard to 
 much better advantage than in a private house, and the ter- 
 rible jam at the supper-table is measurably avoided. 
 
 Balls thus given lack a certain social element, it is true, 
 and it is also to be feared that the young men feel their obliga- 
 tions to a hostess even less, if that were possible, than they do 
 under her own roof. Some party-givers compromise matters 
 by giving a number of small dances at their own houses, 
 an excellent plan, but one which has also its own disadvan- 
 tages. There is a saying that " nothing makes so many 
 enemies as giving small parties ; " you cannot ask every one 
 to them, and somebody is sure to be offended because he is 
 left out. 
 
 The safest way, for those who can afford it, is to give one 
 large ball or reception in the beginning of the season, invite 
 all their friends and acquaintances, and after that to give as 
 many small parties as they choose. 
 
 Another objection to small dances at private houses is 
 that the mothers are often not invited. This is certainly to 
 be regretted, especially as it is usually the very young girls 
 the debutantes, those who most need the counsel and pro- 
 tection of their mothers who are invited to these dances. 
 In small cities, or in good, quiet, sober-going Boston, such 
 a custom is less dangerous than in a place like New York, 
 where the immense foreign population has necessarily had 
 its effect on manners and customs. 
 
 When making out a list of those to be invited to a ball, 
 one should be extremely careful to include the names of the 
 living only. It is very painful to receive an invitation for
 
 132 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 some dear relative who has passed away from this earth ; yet 
 such a thing often happens. The reason for a mistake of 
 this sort is that the hostess when about to give a ball neces- 
 sarily asks many people with whom she is but slightly 
 acquainted ; perhaps she includes her entire visiting list, or 
 even goes beyond it. 
 
 But there are to be found in most cities a few learned 
 individuals who make it their pleasant business to know 
 everything about everybody. The worth of these persons 
 is not always fully appreciated by mankind at large ; but they 
 are invaluable in their way, and should always be consulted 
 by the givers of balls and other festivities. 
 
 The best floors for dancing are the parquet floors that are 
 now so fashionable. Where a house does not boast of 
 these, the next best thing is to take up the carpets and to 
 have the floors smoothed and planed by a carpenter, so that 
 there shall be no danger of splinters getting into the feet of 
 the dancers. Formerly, carpets were covered with crash, 
 which was nailed down over them smoothly, and made quite 
 a pleasant surface to dance upon ; but the fine lint which 
 arose from it was found to have a very bad effect on the 
 lungs of dancers and musicians. A favorite player of dance 
 music in New York died a few years ago of consumption, 
 caused by constantly inhaling this lint ; and the use of crash 
 has now been abandoned in a great measure because it has 
 proved so unwholesome. 
 
 Plenty of good music is a great desideratum for a ball. 
 Where a band of four or five or more players is employed, it 
 is usual to place them in a small room adjoining those used 
 for dancing, or at the end of the hall, a screen of vines and 
 flowers concealing the usually prosaic forms of the hired 
 musicians. 
 
 What a pity it is that we cannot hire Apollo to play for 
 dancing-parties ! Then we should not mind looking at him ;
 
 BALLS AND DANCING PARTIES. 133 
 
 and he, being a god, would not get so desperately tired as do 
 the poor human musicians, who begin to wail out the dance 
 music in rather lugubrious fashion toward three or four 
 in the morning. How utterly inconsiderate and thoughtless, 
 not to say selfish, are very young people ! To them the 
 fatigue of a fat, elderly German musician is incomprehensible ; 
 indeed, they cannot understand that he should even want to 
 stop playing long enough to eat his supper. 
 
 It is lucky for the rest of the world that we can only be 
 young once. Youth is a glorious period, but how it makes 
 every one else suffer ! Rapt in delightful roseate visions, the 
 young man treads on air, and yet at the same time he man- 
 ages somehow to crush all the gouty toes that are anywhere 
 near him ! 
 
 For a baD, all the appointments must be very handsome ; 
 there must be a first-class supper as well as good music, good 
 floors, and plenty of illumination. Usually a wealth of floral 
 decoration is an important feature of a modern ball-room ; 
 people turn their city mansions into temporary greenhouses, 
 and waving palms, with every variety of potted plants and 
 choice flowers, make a veritable Eden for the time being. 
 
 Where a ball is given in a public hall or a theatre, rich 
 hangings and handsome rugs, with pseudo-old furniture and 
 bric-a-brac, are disposed in such a way as to give the effect of 
 a house as far as possible ; for if we don't worship the Lares 
 and Penates of home in this age, we do worship the idol 
 bric-a-brac. 
 
 In a private house most of the furniture is necessarily re- 
 moved from the ball-rooms to make room for the dancers ; 
 but a fringe of chairs and sofas should be left for the dow- 
 agers, who cannot be expected to stand during a whole even- 
 ing. In England, people hire " rout-seats with velvet or 
 damask cushions " for so much a foot ; but in this country 
 we hire only chairs for the german or cotillon, true to our
 
 134 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 priiiciple of looking out for the comfort of the young people, 
 and letting the elders look out for themselves. Paterfamilias 
 must not forget to provide these seats for the german, which 
 play an important part in the evening's entertainment. Fifty 
 years ago the cotillon was danced without seats -in New York; 
 but we have changed all that. 
 
 Supper may be served continuously during the evening, or 
 it may take place at a stated hour, twelve or one o'clock, 
 for instance. If the latter plan is adopted, it is advisable to 
 have punch, bouillon, and other light refreshments placed 
 where they will be easily accessible throughout the even- 
 ing. Bouillon and ices are sometimes handed among the com- 
 pany at intervals. Those who dance the german will need 
 a second supper ; or, if that is not provided, bouillon and ices 
 should be passed to them. 
 
 Oysters, fried, creamed, escaloped, and raw, salads, 
 croquettes, cold salmon served whole and handsomely orna- 
 mented, boned turkey, terrapin, birds, ices of the most expen- 
 sive forms and varieties, such as frozen pudding, bombe 
 glacee, caf6 mousse, etc., wine jellies and charlotte russe, 
 fresh and candied fruits, bonbons, tea and coffee, and endless 
 quantities of cake, are found on the supper-tables. Cham- 
 pagne and other wines are usually provided ; and alas ! it is 
 sometimes wiser for ladies not to visit the supper-table very 
 late in the evening, unless they wish to run the risk of meeting 
 there young men who have drunk more than is good for them. 
 
 The quantity of silver plate, gold spoons, etc., displayed by 
 some rich families on these occasions is very great, and detec- 
 tives in evening dress are sometimes employed to watch the 
 supper-table. Other entertainers do not use all their best 
 plate and china at a crowded ball, but hire their supplies 
 from the confectioner, thus giving themselves greater ease of 
 mind than they could possibly have, were so much of their 
 worldly wealth exposed to loss or destruction.
 
 BALLS AND DANCING PARTIES. 135 
 
 It is the rule that a hostess shall not be more handsomely 
 attired than her guests, because if any one happens to be 
 simply dressed the hostess thus keeps her in countenance 
 as it were. But for a ball this rule does not hold. Here it 
 is expected that every one will be en gratide toilette, and 
 the hostess therefore wears her handsomest robes, her most 
 beautiful jewelry. Fashions in dress of course vary con- 
 stantly ; but it is an invariable rule that debutantes and very 
 young girls should wear jewelry sparingly. If a young girl 
 owns, for instance, a pair of large and valuable diamond ear- 
 rings, she does better not to wear them until she has been in 
 society for several years. 
 
 Young girls should always choose white, or light, delicate 
 colors for ball costumes, and as a rule, soft transparent mate- 
 rials, such as tulle, mull, India muslin, etc. ; it will be time 
 enough to wear rich heavy brocades, silks, and dark velvets, 
 when they shall have attained more mature years. Some 
 young girls prefer silken materials for ball dresses because 
 they are less perishable. Rich laces should be reserved for 
 elder or married ladies ; Valenciennes and the thousand and 
 one pretty, cheap laces now in vogue are suitable for girls, 
 but deep flounces, aprons, etc., of point lace are not appro- 
 priate for them. 
 
 Debutantes are often ambitious of wearing costumes that 
 are altogether unsuited to their years. They do not under- 
 stand that it is " better form " for them to dress youthfully ; 
 indeed, they are often ashamed of being so young, and try to 
 hide their greatest charms, youth and freshness ! With 
 such girls, mothers should exercise a proper degree of firmness 
 on the subject of clothes, and in two or three years their 
 daughters will thank them for it. 
 
 In this country dressing-rooms are always provided for 
 balls, parties, etc., one for ladies and one for gentlemen. 
 Tt seems to us quite extraordinary that in London such a
 
 136 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 provision is often omitted, and a lady must put the last 
 touches to her toilette before leaving her carriage. 
 
 In the lady's dressing-room, attendants should be in wait- 
 ing to help the guests take off their cloaks, remove their 
 overshoes for them, etc. ; and one attendant at least should 
 stay there all the evening, since young ladies are liable at 
 any moment to need a ruffle mended or to have some other 
 damage to their dresses repaired. The foot of man makes 
 wondrous havoc with the light draperies of a ball-dress ; 
 and the Countess * * * gravely informs her readers that 
 gentlemen should not wear spurs in a ball-room ! 
 
 Where there are a great number of people present, it is 
 well to have the cloak bundles numbered, each lady hav- 
 ing a duplicate number in her pocket. At a public ball this 
 should always be done. There have been some dreadful 
 times at the White House through carelessness in this par- 
 ticular ; and after General Grant's Inauguration Ball, people 
 grew so desperate with long and vain hunting for their wraps, 
 that many went home hatless and coatless in the night air 
 like so many Cinderellas. 
 
 In the street, an awning overhead and a carpet on the 
 steps and sidewalk should be provided for the comfort of the 
 guests, and a policeman hired for the occasion ; or a private 
 servant should open the doors of the carriages and help the 
 ladies out. This functionary should also number the car- 
 riages, giving one number to the driver and the duplicate to 
 the occupants of the carriage, so as to simplify as far as possi- 
 ble the tedious process of finding one's carriage when the 
 party is over. A servant should also be stationed at the 
 door, so that the guests may be admitted without delay.
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 
 
 A LADY does not now enter a salon leaning on the arm of 
 her husband or other escort. With the growing indepen- 
 dence of women, this old custom is falling into desuetude. 
 The lady enters first, the gentleman following her ; if there 
 are several ladies, the eldest goes first, mothers taking prece- 
 dence of their daughters in this country, according to the 
 Puritanical notion of respect for parents which we still 
 believe in in a few instances. In Europe the daughter 
 who has married a man of higher rank than her mother has, 
 takes precedence of her parent on all occasions, the latter 
 following meekly in the rear. 
 
 The hostess at a ball does not usually shake hands with 
 her guests, but makes them a sweeping courtesy instead. 
 Where she is supported by several daughters or friends who 
 receive with her, it is rather a severe ordeal for a bashful 
 guest to go up and receive a perfect broadside of courtesies ; 
 nevertheless it must be done as soon as one enters the ball- 
 room. Even if one comes late and the hostess has left her 
 post, the first duty is to hunt her up, and the next, for a 
 gentleman, is to shake hands with his host. If he has been 
 invited through some friend and is unacquainted with his 
 hosts, he should get his friend to present him; he should 
 also ask to be presented to the young ladies of the house,
 
 138 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and if he is a polite young man, he will ask to have the 
 pleasure of dancing with them. 
 
 For the cotillon it is now usual to engage a partner before 
 the day of the ball, and to send her a bouquet. This is a 
 very expensive custom for young men, and one that many of 
 them would be glad to dispense with, because they cannot 
 afford it. What a boon it would be to society if some lead- 
 ing belle should take a hint from the present fashions in 
 funeral arrangements, and announce to her adorers that " no 
 flowers " would be received ! Her popularity would increase 
 fifty per cent, not only with the young men but with their 
 fond parents, who groan in spirit over the immense florist's 
 bills they are called upon to pay. 
 
 When asking a young lady to dance, be sure to do so in a 
 polite way. " May I have the pleasure of dancing the cotil- 
 lon with you ? " Never say, " Are you engaged for such and 
 such a dance ? " This is extremely rude, as it may oblige the 
 lady to confess that she has not been asked for that dance. 
 Yet some young men use this formula who ought to know 
 better ; they wish to save themselves the mortification of a 
 refusal, and thrust upon a lady the position they do not wish 
 to assume themselves. 
 
 That young ladies should never ask gentlemen to dance 
 with them, is a self-evident proposition ; nevertheless they 
 sometimes do it, or young men say that they do. When a 
 dance and the promenade which usually succeeds it are over, 
 a gentleman should always ask his partner with whom he 
 shall leave her, unless he already knows where her mother 
 or other chaperone is sitting. No one should feel obliged 
 to go on dancing or talking forever with the same person, 
 and a young lady should be very careful not to detain 
 a partner so that he will feel any awkwardness in excusing 
 himself. 
 
 Mr. Howells has drawn a vivid picture, in his "Indian
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 139 
 
 Summer," of the dreadful consequences which ensue when a 
 man endeavors to dance the Lancers' quadrille without know- 
 ing how; but infinitely more terrible are the results when 
 any one endeavors to trifle with waltzing, a most deadly and 
 dangerous science, with which the unskilled should no more 
 think of meddling than they would of handling dynamite. 
 
 In the first place, the waltz step is changed every few years ; 
 therefore even a person who could dance very well according 
 to the old method should not venture upon the new one 
 until he has tried it in private. Some of the very best 
 dancers, however, are those who were wretchedly awkward 
 in the beginning ; and as we read about Demosthenes and 
 the pebbles he carried in his mouth, so ball-room stories are 
 whispered about the prowess of certain carpet-knights, how 
 this one practised with a chair till he mastered the Boston, 
 how that one's pretty cousin drilled him until he acquired 
 his'present style, etc. 
 
 There are professional people whose special business it is 
 to teach young men the current ball-room step ; and even 
 better than these, where their assistance can be secured, are 
 graceful feminine friends who can dance with the neophyte 
 and instruct him at the same time. 
 
 A gentleman should always make a bow to a lady when 
 asking her to dance, and both of them should bow and say 
 " Thank you " when the dance is over. 
 
 Despite the intricacies of the german, any one who is tol- 
 erably clear-headed and observant is safe in undertaking to 
 dance it, provided he is a good waltzer. Those who are not 
 familiar with the figures, however, should take their places 
 near the foot, where they will have a good opportunity of 
 watching others go through the various evolutions of the 
 dance, before their own turn comes. The part of leader of 
 the german is a very responsible one, and like all other posi- 
 tions of eminence, it involves arduous duties as well as honor
 
 140 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and glory. No one should undertake it who is not thoroughly 
 familiar with the dance. 
 
 One of its rules is that people shall not dance save in their 
 turn ; and although this rule is occasionally violated, still, 
 where the leader goes around and requests the gentlemen 
 " not to take turns," it is only polite to refrain from doing so. 
 For a ball, a hostess needs to provide several sets of german 
 favors, including a bouquet for each lady in the bouquet 
 figure. 
 
 According to European customs any gentleman in the room 
 may ask a lady to dance whether he has been introduced 
 to her or not ; and it is customary for her to accept the in- 
 vitation, unless she is already engaged for the dance. After 
 it is over, her partner leaves her at her place, with a bow, 
 and their acquaintance, if such it can be called, ends with the 
 dance. 
 
 . In this country a gentleman does not ask a lady to dance 
 unless he has first been presented to her. He should get 
 the hostess or some mutual acquaintance to ask the lady if 
 
 she is willing to have Mr. introduced to her. Mr. 
 
 should in the mean time not stand so near that he will hear 
 the lady's answer, for she may have her own reasons for not 
 desiring to make his acquaintance. 
 
 Our young men have an odious and selfish habit of not 
 dancing if they cannot secure just the partners they want, and 
 of standing, a black-coated and dismal group, like so many 
 crows, around the doorway. This is extremely impolite to 
 their hostess as well as to such ladies as are not dancing. A 
 well-bred young man should ask his hostess to present him to 
 a partner, and should be polite in every way toward her 
 guests. 
 
 Young ladies should not be too much troubled if they are 
 not asked to dance as often as they would like, and above 
 all they should never look hurt or vexed. A good-natured,
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 141 
 
 happy-looking wall-flower often turns into a butterfly and 
 finds her wings. Girls who are bright and amiable some- 
 times begin with receiving very little attention at parties, 
 and end with being favorites after their agreeable qualities 
 become known, "especially if they dance well." Some young 
 ladies never are willing to be seen in a ball-room after the 
 cotillon has begun, unless they have a partner. They either 
 go home or sit in the dressing-room. Others remain in the 
 ball-room looking very discontented, and refuse to go out in 
 the german if they are invited to do so, which is obviously 
 very foolish. 
 
 A young lady is much more apt to have dancing partners 
 throughout the season if a ball has been given for her. 
 Gratitude or some kindred emotion induces the young men 
 to dance with her rather than with the daughters of a 
 mother who never entertains. 
 
 In the german it is quite permissible for a lady to take 
 out a gentleman whom she does not know, because she must 
 take out some one, according to the laws of the dance ; and 
 if she knows very few of the gentlemen who are dancing, she 
 must either take out a stranger or else call upon her friends 
 or acquaintances over and over again. It is polite for a 
 young man who has thus been favored, to ask for an intro- 
 duction to the young lady with whom he has danced ; but 
 in our Eastern cities, young men are in such a powerful 
 minority that they do pretty much as they please. 
 
 Young ladies should be very careful not to forget their 
 dancing engagements, and should never refuse one gentleman 
 and then dance with another. A young lady may refuse on 
 the plea that she is not going to dance that particular dance, 
 but she must then be careful to sit through it. Where a 
 young man has engaged himself to two young ladies for the 
 same dance, he is in an awkward predicament indeed, from 
 his own carelessness. He can only confess his fault, procure
 
 142 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 another partner for one or both of the ladies, and by subse- 
 quent attentions show that he is sorry for his blunder. 
 
 A hostess should endeavor to see that all her guests are 
 provided with partners for dancing, especially for the cotil- 
 lon. She usually has one or two young men who are 
 friends of the family to help her in this matter, or she has 
 ladies who receive with her, and thus enable her to slip 
 away occasionally and attend to her guests. But where 
 young men flatly refuse to dance, what can the hostess do 1 
 It seems incredible that they should be so rude; the fact 
 remains that they are. 
 
 To strangers from another city special attention should 
 always be paid. It has been said that strangers in Boston 
 society always have either a very delightful or a very dull 
 time. When supper is announced the host leads the way, 
 taking in with him the most distinguished lady present ; the 
 hostess follows last, in order to see that all her guests are 
 properly attended to. A gentleman takes the lady in to 
 supper with whom he is talking when it is announced, unless 
 he has made a previous engagement to take in some one else. 
 In this last case he must be on the alert, and excuse himself 
 to the lady he is with, as soon as the first movement toward 
 the supper-table begins ; otherwise he plays the part of dog 
 in the manger, and prevents other gentlemen from escorting 
 her to the supper-room. If a young man happens to be talk- 
 ing to a young lady and her chaperone when supper is an- 
 nounced, he should offer his arm to the latter, who should 
 accept it, the young lady following close behind them or 
 walking beside her mother. 
 
 A gentleman may always ask a lady if he can bring her 
 some refreshment, even where she is a stranger to him. In 
 fact, it would be very ill-bred for a gentleman not to do so, 
 where he noticed in the ball-room or in the supper-room 
 ladies to whose wants no one was attending. But he can-
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 143 
 
 not with propriety enter into conversation with a stranger 
 whom he has thus obliged. He merely bows and withdraws. 
 Some young men attend to their own wants at the supper- 
 table more faithfully than to their partner's, returning at 
 long intervals to see if the ladies want anything more. But 
 if greediness is unpleasant in a man, it is much less pardon- 
 able in a woman, and a young lady should be careful not to 
 make too many demands at the supper-table lest she earn the 
 reputation of caring too much about what she eats. It is 
 wiser as well as more economical for the hostess to have 
 hired waiters attend to helping her guests unless she has a 
 large corps of servants of her own. Men whose business it 
 is to wait are much more efficient and much more careful 
 than young gentlemen; the latter are often very heedless, 
 upsetting dishes and plates, and very wasteful, helping people 
 to more than they can possibly eat. 
 
 It is not necessary to take leave of a hostess at a ball, 
 especially if one leaves early and before the affair begins to 
 break up. 
 
 Young ladies should have a little mercy on their unfortu- 
 nate mothers and partners, and not stay too late at balls. 
 The mammas find it dreary work indeed sitting up into the 
 small hours ; and the young men, many of whom are obliged 
 to go to business next day, of course cannot leave until their 
 fair partners are ready to go. Thus the young girls are really 
 the arbiters of the ball-room, and through thoughtlessness 
 rather than selfishness they often make other people endure 
 extreme fatigue. Indeed, the late hours and the wretched 
 feeling of weariness incident to rising early after dancing 
 nearly all night, are responsible for many of the dissipated 
 habits that young men fall into.
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 MUSICAL PARTIES. 
 
 IT is very much the fashion now, both in England and in 
 this country, to provide some more or less intellectual feast 
 for the entertainment of guests ; and music, readings, recita- 
 tions, are all in great demand. Of these, music is the chief 
 favorite, and the easiest to procure, since almost every young 
 lady who goes into society has some vocal or instrumental 
 accomplishment. 
 
 A little music, even if it is not very well rendered, makes 
 a pleasant break in the monotony of a talking party ; it gives 
 those present an opportunity to change their places, to make 
 an end of tiresome conversations, and to begin fresh ones. 
 So if a young lady does not sing like Patti or Nilsson, we 
 forgive her, as long as her voice is fresh and sweet, and 
 provided her efforts are not too ambitious. An entertainment 
 where a little music is given, however, is a very different 
 affair from a regular musicale, whether it be matinee or soiree. 
 Where this name is used, it must not be taken in vain ; and 
 the guests will have a right to be both discontented and 
 satirical if they hear no music worthy of the name. 
 
 It is needless to enter here into a discussion of the merits 
 of the different schools of music. Some very delightful 
 musicals are given where the programme consists entirely 
 of selections from the Italian operas; though most of us 
 would prefer a sprinkling at least of the more intellectual
 
 MUSICAL PARTIES. 145 
 
 harmonies of the German composers. Be that as it may, the 
 most important point is that the music should be good of 
 its kind, and interpreted by adequate performers, amateur or 
 professional. No one should attempt to give a musicale 
 unless he has a real acquaintance with the art of music, or 
 unless he puts the whole matter in the hands of some thor- 
 oughly competent person. A man who should make a collec- 
 tion of pictures without having any knowledge of the art of 
 painting, and invite all his friends to look at his gallery, 
 would be voted an intolerable bore. The man who inflicts 
 on you two or three hours of musical (?) torture, through his 
 own ignorance and ambition, is even a greater bore ; because 
 you can turn your back on the pictures, but you can't get 
 away from the music unless you stop your ears, which would 
 not be considered polite. 
 
 Where the host's purse is sufficiently long, it is much 
 better to employ some professional musicians, or what are 
 called " semi-pjrpfessionals ; " that is to say, people who sing in 
 church-choirs, etc., and are paid for what they do, although 
 very often they have some other business or occupation. 
 
 The amateur is sometimes a brilliant performer or a fin- 
 ished vocalist, but he belongs to a most uncertain species, 
 uncertain in more respects than one. In the first place, you 
 can seldom count on an amateur for any special occasion, 
 particularly if he is a singer. Great are the disappointments 
 caused by amateurs, as any one can testify who has had much 
 to do with them. They are not paid for their efforts, they 
 simply sing or play to oblige other people, hence they do not 
 feel themselves bound to appear if they happen to feel a little 
 unwell, or if they hear that some superior performer is going 
 to eclipse them. Those who sing have more to excuse them 
 than those who play, the voice being a delicate and unreli- 
 able organ, in the care of which an amateur rarely equals a 
 professional. 
 
 10
 
 146 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 The second point of uncertainty about an amateur musi- 
 cian is as to his talents and capabilities. A man's friends 
 will say, " Oh, So-and-so sings delight/idly, you must have 
 him at your concert ! " when So-and-so has only a mediocre 
 voice, with very little cultivation. There is no uniform 
 standard by which people judge musical performance, because 
 so many know nothing at all about the art, and praise any- 
 thing that happens to please them. 
 
 But if one employs professionals the case is very different. 
 It is comparatively easy to find out what their musical stand- 
 ing is, and they are much less capricious than their half- 
 brothers the virtuosi. Probably they have as much vanity 
 and ambition as the latter ; but the chariot of regular work 
 has an amazing tendency to quiet Pegasus. When he is once 
 hitched between its shafts, business habits become second 
 nature, and the prospect of bread and butter is even more 
 stimulating as a daily incentive than that of fame. 
 
 If a professional musician is asked to sing or play he must 
 always be paid for his services. Some people, who ought 
 to know better, invite well-known singers to their houses 
 and then request these guests to sing for the amusement of 
 the company. This is in contravention of all the laws of 
 etiquette, and often produces much ill-feeling. The guest 
 does not like to refuse, because that would seem a churlish 
 return for the hospitality he is enjoying ; at the same time he 
 feels that it is treating him shabbily to invite him in his char- 
 acter of a private gentleman, and then expect him to display 
 himself in his public and professional character as an artist. 
 He feels also that it is a mean way of forcing him to part 
 for nothing with what is in reality a part of his stock in 
 trade. We don't invite merchants to our houses and then 
 ask them for a chest of tea or a firkin of butter ; nor do we 
 take advantage of the presence of a doctor at a festive gather- 
 ing to get him to prescribe for some ailing member of the
 
 MUSICAL PARTIES. 147 
 
 family. An artist deserves quite as much or more consider- 
 ation at our hands than do these others ; for he is often a 
 stranger, and feels himself in a delicate position. Often, too, 
 he is of a sensitive nature and easily offended. 
 
 If you wish him, then, to sing or play at your party, he 
 should he invited to do so heforehand in a careful and deli- 
 cate way. You cannot command his services as you would 
 order a ton of coal, that is, not if you expect to get them. 
 Artists are "kittle folk" to deal with, and when one re- 
 members how badly they have often been treated it is small 
 wonder. They feel, and rightly, that the profession they 
 have chosen is not a degrading, but an elevating one. They 
 are not the less gentlemen for being artists, but their social 
 position is often disputed by those who should know better. 
 
 When Dickens was asked to read before the Queen of Eng- 
 land, he replied that if he was invited as a gentleman he 
 would do so, but not otherwise. In an interview which he 
 once had with the same exalted personage he showed some- 
 what of the spirit of a lackey, however, for he stood during 
 their long conversation of an hour's length or more and 
 then complained about it afterward. How much more digni- 
 fied was the conduct of Carlyle ! When he visited the royal 
 Guelph, he calmly sat down, not out of bravado, but because 
 it was fatiguing to stand. Her Majesty gracefully accepted 
 the situation, sat down herself, and waved her hand to those 
 about her as a token that they also should be seated. She 
 felt instinctively that she had met not only her superior, but 
 one to whom the artificial divisions of mankind into classes 
 made absolutely no difference. He saw so keenly the real and 
 actual divisions made by the Almighty, the superior qual- 
 ities of some men, the inferior qualities of others, that the 
 little petty difference in outward appearance between a pup- 
 pet prince and a peasant was to him of no real importance. 
 Dickens and Thackeray cried out constantly about snobbish-
 
 148 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ness, because its yoke was around their own necks. The 
 man of greater soul did not complain of it, because his 
 thoughts were ever on higher subjects. 
 
 In our own country instances are not wanting of snobbish 
 conduct toward artists. A Boston Anglo-maniac said to the 
 artist who was painting his portrait, " Why don't you marry, 
 
 Mr. ] It would be an excellent plan, if you should 
 
 marry some young woman of your own class." 
 
 Where a musician is new in his profession, and wishes to 
 be made known and advertised, he may sometimes be glad 
 to give his services without compensation to those who are 
 disposed to help him in his life effort, to those who are in 
 truth his friends and patrons. But one must have an actual 
 claim upon an artist, or know that he is a person really 
 obliging, and willing to give his services to please and amuse 
 others, before it will be safe to call upon him to do so. A 
 young pianist in Boston was seriously displeased because he 
 was asked to play, without previous notification, before half 
 a dozen people after dinner. 
 
 The host at a musical party has not only many snares to 
 avoid in the selection of his musicians, but he must also look 
 out for dangers ahead when he chooses his audience. A 
 rmtsicak cannot be a success unless most of the hearers are 
 fond of music, and of the kind which has been chosen for 
 the evening's entertainment. Thus, it is best not to make a 
 general party of such an occasion, but to invite those only 
 who will really enjoy your programme. If the audience is 
 large and mixed, it will be safer not to have a strictly classi- 
 cal one. 
 
 It is very rude to interrupt a musical performance by talk- 
 ing or laughing. Those to whom music is a bore ought 
 either to stay at home or to keep quiet and allow others to 
 enjoy it. I think it was Liszt about whom a good story 
 was told apropos of interrupting music. He had been asked
 
 MUSICAL PARTIES. 149 
 
 to play before Queen Victoria, and had just struck the first 
 few chords, when her Majesty turned and spoke to some one. 
 The Maestro was much offended, but of course could not 
 make any remonstrance ; so he vented all his wrath on the 
 piano, and played the scales with such violence that the 
 Queen was obliged to get up and leave the room. As soon 
 as she had gone, Liszt quieted down and went on with the 
 performance with perfect calmness. 
 
 In arranging a programme ceteris paribus, the best per- 
 former should be given the last and not the first place. The 
 simple pieces also should come before the more elaborate and 
 florid ones. The reasons for these rules are obvious. No 
 ordinary artist would wish to follow one of marked superior- 
 ity, as the contrast would be disadvantageous to him. The 
 interest of an entertainment, moreover, ought to grow and 
 culminate, instead of declining. 
 
 M a&fetnccn, t_svwlca tn- 
 Stem Witee & ftt't cCwcn. 
 
 ^wttJtc. 
 
 is a proper form for an invitation to a musical party. Camp- 
 chairs should be provided for the accommodation of guests,
 
 150 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and a good piano for that of the musicians. It is unfair 
 to ask a pianist to play on a second or third rate instru- 
 ment, especially as one can always hire a Chickering or 
 Steinway anywhere within the boundaries of civilization. 
 The manufacturers will send a piano to any reasonable dis- 
 tance. If the hostess has a good piano of her own it must be 
 put in tune just before the musicale, and must not be tuned 
 too high where it is to accompany the voice, unless the lady 
 of the house wishes to receive the maledictions of tenor and 
 soprano on her devoted head. 
 
 A great deal of wit has been expended in making fun of 
 people who will not sing or play without an enormous 
 amount of urging. No doubt young ladies and gentlemen 
 too do sometimes behave in a foolish and affected way, 
 and protest they cannot sing a note, when all the time they 
 fully mean to warble as long and as loud as the company 
 will let them. But there are other people whose natural 
 shyness makes it positively painful to them to perform in 
 public. Still another class of persons hesitate to sing or play 
 when asked to do so, because they are not accomplished mu- 
 sicians and can only cause disappointment by their efforts. 
 How true to nature is the absurd story in " Happy Thoughts," 
 where the luckless hero is fairly forced to sing a comic song 
 which he has half forgotten, to the disgust of himself and 
 everybody present ! 
 
 Miss A., let us say, is fond of music, has a sweet voice, and 
 sings pleasantly enough at home, where she gathers her little 
 brothers around her at that best of all times for music, the 
 twilight hour. But her voice is entirely uncultivated, and 
 she does not pretend to be a musician. At Mrs. D.'s soiree 
 some injudicious person says, " Miss A., I hear that you sing 
 so charmingly ; won't you let us have the pleasure of hear- 
 ing you 1 " Others take up the chorus, and Miss A. is 
 much troubled, because she is placed in a false position. If
 
 MUSICAL PARTIES. 151 
 
 the occasion is a very small and informal one she will perhaps 
 yield to the general entreaty rather than seem disobliging ; 
 but she will certainly refuse in the first instance, giving the 
 real reason, namely, that her voice is not cultivated, and that 
 she never sings except at home. If the party is a large one, 
 Miss A., if she is wise, will not allow herself to be inveigled 
 into displaying her home talent. 
 
 A hostess should have tact enough to see whether the 
 guest who is asked to sing or play is really unwilling to do 
 so, or whether he is only " shamming." It is both impolite 
 and unkind to urge people to do what they evidently prefer 
 not to do. Per contra, the "second person of the second 
 part," if he means to sing, should certainly not wait till he 
 is asked to do so many times, but should respond to the first 
 or second appeal. It is more polite for a hostess to repeat 
 her invitation only once. A person may naturally hesitate at 
 the first asking, thinking it to be only complimentary, or not 
 wishing to appear too eager to display his accomplishments ; 
 but with the second request he should comply, or else "forever 
 hold his peace." Generally speaking, it is better quietly to 
 do your best, and if you have any skill at all to give the 
 company the benefit of it. A short piece should be selected 
 for the first one, and if the audience like it they can easily 
 ask for more. It goes without saying that no one should 
 sing or play, unless at the invitation of the host or hostess. 
 
 An eminent musician said to his pupil (who was an ama- 
 teur), "Do not attempt to play your most difficult pieces of 
 music in public. Play something which you have thoroughly 
 mastered and which is comparatively simple. ... If you 
 have made a false note by accident, do not go back to correct 
 it." This gentleman knew something of the fluster and excite- 
 ment which so often hamper the efforts of young people 
 unaccustomed to play before even a private public, if one 
 7nay be allowed to use such an expression.
 
 152 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Children should be taught to play or sing before other peo- 
 ple almost from the beginning. They will thus acquire a 
 habit which may be invaluable to them in later years, and 
 will probably never experience that mauvaise konte which is 
 such a torment to those who are subject to it. It goes with- 
 out saying that only children with musical talent should be 
 brought up in this way. Neither should these be allowed to 
 play before a large number of people until they are old enough 
 and fitted to do so. A child who is put forward as an infant 
 prodigy becomes conceited and odious. It is easy to observe 
 a happy medium by confining the young lady's audience to a 
 small circle of judicious friends, who will praise the music 
 rather than the performer, and who will encourage her with- 
 out over-stimulating her vanity. 
 
 People who have large houses and who really love music 
 often have a room specially built and adapted for it. The 
 first requirement for a music-room is that its acoustic prop- 
 erties shall be good ; hence all draperies are strictly banished 
 from it, carpet, curtains, upholstered furniture. Indeed, 
 one well-known pianist used to insist that all ladies should 
 come to his chamber concerts without their bonnets, because 
 the bonnets absorbed so much sound ! 
 
 There is a beautiful music-room in one of those exquisite 
 houses which are the glory of new Boston. The colors are 
 quiet and subdued, the decorations all harmonious but un- 
 obtrusive, since the ornamentation in a music-room must be 
 of secondary consideration, and must not distract the atten- 
 tion of the hearers from the main pleasure, that of listen- 
 ing. The walls are crowned by a white frieze composed of 
 casts from the " singing boys " of Lucca della Robbia. The 
 floor is of polished wood, guiltless of nig or carpet. Dainty 
 and graceful cane-chairs, imported from Italy, take the place 
 of prosaic camp-stools ; the rest of the furniture is of gilt 
 wood, with two empire sofarettes. The inevitable grand
 
 MUSICAL PARTIES. 153 
 
 piano stands in one corner, while near by, its graceful an- 
 cestor the harp calls up the spirit of ancient times, looking 
 like a gentle ghost of the past when compared with its pros- 
 perous and portly grandchild the Chickering grand. A 
 quaint old mandolin completes the trio of musical instru- 
 ments. No upholstery, no drapery of any sort is to be 
 found in this classic apartment, severe but beautiful, like the 
 harmonious sounds which echo within its walls. But when 
 it is filled with richly-dressed women and gay cavaliers, 
 then our severe room is like a marble Psyche which has 
 come to life, and the cold white frame suits to perfection 
 the beautiful warm picture which it clasps in its setting.
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 
 
 THERE is no social event which is of greater or more uni- 
 versal interest than a wedding. The mere mention of one 
 makes everybody feel happy and good-natured ; and when 
 the great day itself comes off, it finds all concerned in the 
 best possible spirits, even if a few inconsiderate people will 
 persist in crying during the ceremony. 
 
 The betrothed afterward the married couple are for a 
 time hero and heroine. Every one smiles and showers favors 
 upon them ; they are the great and central attractions of 
 the hour. Their every movement is watched with an in- 
 tense interest which ordinarily attaches to those of very dis- 
 tinguished persons alone. The world even the fashionable 
 cynical world shows its approval of the step they are about 
 to take by smiles and nods and figurative pats upon the 
 back. 
 
 Marriage is evidently still looked upon as a beneficent in- 
 stitution, notwithstanding the foolish talk of some news- 
 papers and people, a sort of fashionable cant of the day, 
 and notwithstanding all the unhappy details of Divorce 
 Court proceedings. It is a great thing, this Anglo-Saxon 
 respect for and admiration of marriage ; but some of the 
 results of this feeling, the domestic commotion, undue parade 
 and expense that grow out of it, are seriously deprecated by 
 thoughtful people.
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 155 
 
 In the first place the bride elect, feeling the importance of 
 her position, and the serious responsibility of making ar- 
 rangements which shall be in keeping with the coming great 
 occasion and important change in her life, often wearies 
 herself out with extensive preparations for her trousseau 
 and her wedding. If her parents are rich, or in comfortable 
 circumstances, she spends endless days in shops and in con- 
 ference with the mantua-rnaker and milliner. Not very 
 great fatigues these, a man may say ; but they are, when car- 
 ried to excess, a very great drain on a woman's nervous 
 energy. If the bride's parents are of limited means, her 
 ambition, I am sorry to say, will be likely to be the greater 
 rather than the less for that circumstance. She will toil 
 incessantly over the sewing-machine, making her own outfit, 
 until she is worn and haggard when the wedding-day ar- 
 rives ; whereas it ought to find her plump, rosy, serene, and 
 happy. This is no imaginary picture ; would that it were ! 
 
 Then the expense which is so often thought necessary in 
 order to have a wedding go off in good style is very objec- 
 tionable where it induces people to spend more than they 
 can afford, as, alas ! they too often do. A gentleman in 
 New York recently committed suicide a few weeks after 
 his daughter's marriage. His wife, who was an ambitious 
 woman, and who had succeeded in w marrying her daugh- 
 ter well," made such demands upon her husband's purse for 
 the wedding expenses, etc., that he was led to forge checks 
 in order to give her what she asked for, and took his own 
 life rather than meet the disgrace which he knew must soon 
 come upon him. 
 
 Let a wedding by all means be celebrated worthily, and 
 with all due honor of ceremony and observance, but not with 
 too much parade nor with excessive expenditure. One bride 
 at a fashionable church wedding not a hundred miles from 
 Boston was so intent on the success of her wedding proces-
 
 156 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 sion, and so angry with the street urchins who thronged 
 about the porch for interfering with it, that she scolded 
 them roundly then and there, to the great amusement of 
 the lookers-on. 
 
 But what would you ? Where a procession has been care- 
 fully rehearsed, it is hard to have it interfered with ; though 
 some of us are old-fashioned enough to think that such 
 rehearsals border on the profane. 
 
 It goes without saying that the bride names the day 
 after the bridegroom has asked her to do so. June is the 
 favorite month for weddings, because in our climate it is one 
 of the most beautiful months of the whole year. May is 
 considered unlucky, and has been ever since the time of the 
 ancient Romans. Ovid says, " That time too was not au- 
 spicious for the marriage torches of the widow or -of the 
 virgin. She who married then did not long remain a wife." 
 Where Easter falls late in the spring, it is usually succeeded 
 by many fashionable marriages, and our beautiful autumn 
 season is also a favorite time for them. At Newport there 
 are usually several brilliant weddings in the beginning of 
 September, when the gay season is near its end but still in 
 full activity. Thus the prudent bride enjoys all the summer 
 gayety and has plenty of time for a quiet honeymoon and 
 rest before the winter festivities begin. With these advan- 
 tages is combined that of a pretty summer wedding, and one 
 that takes place with more eclat than weddings in large 
 cities, where no single event can produce any very great 
 effect. 
 
 Society has now extended its round of amusements so 
 widely that no time of the year save possibly Lent is 
 free from gayeties of one sort or another. Lenox and Tux- 
 edo Park fill in the gap between watering-place festivities 
 and those of the winter season. The gay world amuses it- 
 self, in the city and in the country alternately, with a vigor
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 157 
 
 and constancy that would have very much surprised our 
 quiet ancestors. Under these circumstances it would be 
 mere cruelty to expect a fashionable bride to waste a month 
 in a honeymoon of tiresome quiet at some dull spot. The 
 retirement of the honeymoon is no longer, therefore, de 
 ngneur. The wedding tour is also going out of fashion, or at 
 least is no longer considered an indispensable adjunct to 
 the marriage ceremony. This is a move in the right direc- 
 tion, as it has always seemed a senseless proceeding for a 
 bride tired with the preparations for her marriage, and worn 
 out with the excitement attendant on the great event, to 
 start immediately on a long and fatiguing journey. 
 
 A proper formula for invitations to a church wedding is 
 given below. For such an occasion it is usual to send out 
 
 t^VU. a<na <^VLM. flamed 
 
 ttaaett tne nonet c/ i/eat 
 
 / / / 
 
 <z/ Joe matttaae of J/ictk 
 
 f / f 
 
 // 
 
 <^w.a4u 
 
 at <*?( tsatff w/rtttc/i, 
 
 en
 
 158 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 cards to all the friends of the families of both bride and groom. 
 These invitations are issued in the name of the bride's father 
 and mother, the bridegroom, of course, furnishing a carefully 
 prepared list of those persons whom he wishes to have in- 
 vited. It is now the fashion to engrave wedding invitations 
 in plain script on plain heavy white note-paper. No device 
 is used, unless possibly the family coat-of-arms, or crest, em- 
 bossed in plain white on the paper. The envelope is entirely 
 plain. 
 
 The cards of the bride and groom elect may also be enclosed. 
 Where people invite their whole circle of acquaintance to the 
 wedding, it is not necessary to send out supplementary cards 
 afterward, announcing the event. The formula of announce- 
 ment has been very much changed within a few years. 
 Formerly one often received a card simply inscribed with the 
 
 . $a 
 
 mattaae 
 
 o meet 
 
 <^Vlt. 
 
 en
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 159 
 
 names, " Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Townsend." To friends of the 
 bride living at a distance, who perhaps had never heard of 
 the bridegroom, these sphinx-like announcements remained 
 unsolved riddles for years, unless they were, by good fortune, 
 accompanied by cards bearing the bride's maiden name and 
 that of her mother. In these days the much more sensible 
 and convenient custom has arisen of " telling the whole 
 story." (See page 158 for formula.) These announcements, 
 like wedding invitations, are engraved on note-paper. 
 
 All wedding cards are paid for by the bride's family, as are 
 all the other expenses of a wedding, with the following ex- 
 ceptions. The bridegroom pays the clergyman's fee, and of 
 course provides the wedding ring and the bride's bouquet ; 
 he also makes the bride a present, in accordance with his 
 means, and sometimes gives the bridesmaids some article 
 of jewelry not of an expensive nature, or a bouquet. To the 
 ushers he gives scarf-pins, or some similar gift, unless the 
 bride should make these presents, which she sometimes does, 
 occasionally providing also gifts for the bridesmaids. Wed- 
 ding invitations do not require any answer unless one is re- 
 quested, as in the case of a sit-down breakfast, or of a 
 small home wedding. Friends living at a distance acknowl- 
 edge a wedding invitation by sending their visiting" cards 
 enclosed in an envelope addressed to the bride's father and 
 mother, or to the person in whose name the invitations 
 are issued. This is the proper course to pursue, even for 
 those to whom the bride's family are total strangers, their 
 only acquaintance being with the bridegroom or his parents. 
 Punctilious people consider it necessary to call within ten 
 days after a wedding ; one should certainly call as soon 
 after as is convenient. 
 
 Where there is to be a reception after a church wedding, 
 additional cards are enclosed in the same envelope with the 
 cards for the church.
 
 160 
 
 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 aftet 
 
 cetemonu, 
 
 e 
 
 The above is a proper formula to use. These are often sent 
 only to the relatives and intimate friends of the two families, 
 as few people are so fortunate as to have houses large enough 
 to accommodate their whole circle of acquaintance. The 
 bride's family, too, may not wish to incur the trouble and 
 expense of entertaining so large a company. 
 
 No one should feel hurt at not being invited to a wedding 
 reception unless it be a general one. Where cards are issued 
 for a church wedding, however, they are usually sent to all 
 the acquaintance of the bride and groom, and those who do 
 not receive cards have a right to feel themselves slighted. 
 Still, it must always be remembered that such a slight may 
 be the result of an oversight and not of intention, especially 
 where the invitations are directed, as they often are, by a 
 hired amanuensis. 
 
 Where there is reason to believe that the church will be 
 overcrowded, cards of admission to it are sometimes issued. 
 They are often worded thus : 
 
 4n, 
 
 unutcrt, 
 
 at Jtvewf c c/ocn.
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 161 
 
 It seems opposed to the spirit of Christianity, to treat a 
 church as if it were a private house and to refuse admission 
 to all but a favored few. But of two evils, one must choose 
 the least ; and it would hardly be fair that the general public 
 should so crowd the sacred building as to leave little and 
 insufficient room for the real wedding guests. 
 
 An English authority says " the bridesmaids may be from 
 two to twelve in number ; " but in this country they rarely 
 if ever exceed six or eight. They should be chosen from 
 among the sisters and other near relatives of the bride and 
 groom, and from the bride's intimate friends. According to 
 the present fashion they are often dressed in picturesque, 
 even quaint costumes, sometimes wearing bonnets or hats, 
 sometimes with short veils, etc. They should always wear 
 very light colors, or white. It would seem superfluous to say 
 that a bridesmaid should never be a married woman, were it 
 not a fact that married women have acted in this capacity 
 in our own far West, and perhaps elsewhere where single 
 women are " scarcer " than they are in Massachusetts. 
 
 Groomsmen are never seen at modern weddings. Their 
 place is usurped by " the best man," who " supports " the 
 bridegroom much after the fashion of a second in a peaceful 
 duel. He is usually an intimate friend or near relative of the 
 groom. His duties are to accompany the latter to church, 
 to stand by him before and during the ceremony, to hold 
 his hat, fee the clergyman, and to assist the ushers in pre- 
 senting guests at the wedding reception. In short, his part 
 is exactly the opposite of that played by Captain Cuttle at the 
 celebrated Bunsby wedding ; for he, to all outward appear- 
 ance, uses his best efforts to keep up the sinking courage of 
 the groom, and never urges the latter to run away, so far as 
 is known. 
 
 The bridegroom wears morning dress, as do all the gentle- 
 men at a wedding in the daytime. Fashion now decrees 
 
 11
 
 162 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 that a dress-suit must be worn under no circumstances before 
 evening, or rather before late dinner, but it leaves the 
 bride quite free to wear full evening dress if she pleases, 
 which is certainly very illogical. The groom wears a frock- 
 coat, light trousers, and gloves if he prefers to do so. But 
 he must not wear either white gloves or a white necktie, 
 since these belong with evening dress only. He drives to 
 church with his best man, and waits for the bride at the 
 altar. If he is wise in his generation, however, he will re- 
 main in the vestry until the bride's arrival, since it is an 
 awkward and trying position for him, that of long waiting 
 at the chancel rail, and brides are sometimes late. 
 
 The ushers should be at the church in good season, to see 
 that everything is in order, and to conduct the wedding 
 guests to their seats as fast as they arrive. They are chosen 
 from the relatives and friends of the bride and groom. The 
 chief usher places a ribbon or arch of flowers across the 
 church at a distance from the altar which will include space 
 enough for all the invited guests. The relatives of the groom 
 are placed on the right of the altar, that is, next the bride- 
 groom ; and the bride's relatives sit on the left of the church, 
 that is, on the bride's left. It is important that the ushers, or 
 at all events the chief usher, should be acquainted with most 
 of the relatives and guests, so that they may all be seated in 
 their right places, the near relatives sitting nearest to the 
 altar. It is perfectly proper for an usher to ask whether a 
 lady is a relative of the bride or groom, as he cannot be ex- 
 pected to know every one of the relations by sight. 
 
 The mother of the bride comes in shortly before the bridal 
 cortege, of which she usually does not form a part. It is 
 better, if possible, to arrange this in the vestry rather than 
 keep the bridesmaids waiting in the vestibule for the bride, 
 who arrives last, accompanied by her father. When all is in 
 readiness the organ peals forth a wedding march, and the
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 163 
 
 ushers advance up the aisle in pairs, followed by the brides- 
 maids, also in pairs. Sometimes additional bridesmaids in 
 the shape of little children picturesquely dressed, strewing 
 flowers perhaps, follow or precede the others. Little boys 
 dressed as pages following the bride and holding her train 
 are one of the modern innovations. Last of all comes the 
 bride leaning on her father's arm. 
 
 "When the procession reaches the altar the ushers divide, 
 half of them turning to the right and half to the left ; the 
 bridesmaids do the same. The bridegroom then advances, 
 the bride being close to the altar, and taking her right hand, 
 leads her to her position before it. Here they both kneel, 
 that is, if the wedding takes place in the Episcopal Church. 
 In churches of other denominations they often do not kneel. 
 The clergyman then proceeds to read the marriage service. 
 When he asks the question, " Who giveth this woman to be 
 married to this man 1 " the father, who stands a little behind 
 the bride, usually gives his consent by bowing, instead of com- 
 ing forward and placing his daughter's hand in that of the 
 clergyman, as was formerly the custom. Having now ful- 
 filled his part of the ceremony, the father takes his place 
 beside the bride's mother in the front pew. 
 
 After the clergyman has pronounced the benediction he 
 may congratulate the newly-married pair ; but he does not 
 kiss the bride, as it was formerly the custom for him to do. 
 At the present day a wedding ring is used in almost all mar- 
 riage services. It should not be so large as to seem vulgar or 
 exaggerated, and is still the plain gold circlet, which seems to 
 befit the solemn ceremony better than the richest jewel. The 
 bride usually has the ring finger of her left-hand glove cut so 
 that it can be readily removed, much to the relief of the first 
 bridesmaid, who was expected in other days to pull off the 
 whole glove, and whose efforts to do so were often embarrass- 
 ing to all parties.
 
 164 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Soft music may be discoursed if the bride desires it dur- 
 ing the marriage ceremony ; but to our thinking it sounds 
 too much like what Artemus Ward called "dying to slow 
 fiddling." 
 
 The organ breaks out with a triumphal peal, and the bridal 
 pair go down the aisle arm in arm, and leave the church as 
 quickly as possible, to escape the curious throng always so 
 eager to catch a glimpse of them, or rather of " her." They 
 are driven at once to the residence of the bride's parents. 
 The rest of the bridal procession leave the church in the 
 inverse order from that in which they entered it. 
 
 It will be seen from what has preceded that the bride 
 stands on the bridegroom's left. She takes also his left arm 
 when about to walk down the aisle. It is considered very 
 " bad form " for a bride to bow or smile to any one either 
 while entering or leaving the church ; but she is not obliged 
 to keep her eyes upon the ground if she prefers to " look 
 forward " instead. 
 
 The fashion of a bride's dress is so well known, and yet 
 changes so often in its details, that it would be useless to 
 speak of it save in general terms. The extravagance of to- 
 day robes brides in the most costly fabrics, with veils 01 
 point lace and diamond ornaments, instead of the white silk 
 dress, simply trimmed, and the tulle veil, that were formerly 
 the fashion. White is so appropriate to a bride, as well as 
 so becoming to almost all complexions, that it seems a pity 
 every bride should not wear it, even if her dress be of simple 
 white muslin. A tulle veil is softer and more becoming than 
 a lace one, as well as infinitely cheaper. The lace veil i.s 
 better suited, however, to certain people, especially to girls 
 who are somewhat stout, or who have rather large heads. 
 The extreme fulness of the tulle veil, and its dim outlines, 
 make the wearer look larger than she really is. 
 
 Orange-blossoms are always beautiful and appropriate for a
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 165 
 
 bride, but they are often difficult to procure ; hence other 
 natural flowers often take their place in the bridal costume. 
 Myrtle-leaves are emblematic of marriage, and are sometimes 
 worn by brides. Garlands of artificial flowers frequently 
 adorn a bridal robe. 
 
 In the days of good Queen Bess, brides wore their hair 
 flowing over their shoulders. Ben Jonson says : 
 
 "See how she paceth forth in virgin white, 
 Like what she was, the daughter of a duke, 
 And sister, darting forth a dazzling light, 
 On all that came her simplesse to rebuke ! 
 
 Her tresses trim her back, 
 
 As she did lack 
 
 Nought of a maiden queen, 
 
 With modesty so crowned and adoration seen." 
 
 In the Roman Catholic Church a bride is not allowed to 
 wear a decollete* costume if the wedding takes place in 
 church. 
 
 After the ceremony at church is over, the best man, or two 
 of the ushers, hurry to the residence of the bride's parents, 
 to be in readiness to receive the bride and groom. 
 
 At the wedding reception half of the bridesmaids stand 
 near the bride and half near the groom. The ushers stay 
 near the door of the drawing-room and escort the guests, as 
 fast as they arrive, to the bridal party, presenting them by 
 name, first to the bride and groom and then to the parents. 
 It is also the ushers' duty to see that ladies who have no 
 gentlemen with them are provided with refreshments. It is 
 now fashionable to hold morning receptions by gas or candle 
 light instead of by daylight. 
 
 After an hour and a half or more, the bride retires to put 
 on her travelling-dress ; usually only the intimate friends 
 remain to see the bridal couple drive off and to wish them 
 Godspeed. Rice and old shoes are thrown after the retreat-
 
 166 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ing carriage ; but these missiles should not be aimed with too 
 great accuracy, as accidents have sometimes occurred from 
 breaking the windows or frightening the horses. 
 
 A bride does not usually dance at her own wedding, but 
 she may join in a square dance if she wishes. 
 
 It is not usual now to show the wedding presents on the 
 day of the marriage, as this custom was found, a few years 
 since, to lead to a parade and display which were of very 
 questionable taste. Sometimes the presents are privately 
 shown to the intimate friends a few days beforehand. Wed- 
 ding gifts themselves have changed in character, and the 
 bride is no longer overwhelmed with articles of silver some 
 of which are useful and others decidedly superfluous. There 
 are now so many beautiful things in glass, china, bronze, etc. ; 
 so many objets d'art and delightful bric-a-brac for the buyer 
 to choose from, that the wedding guest need be at no loss to 
 select some suitable and charming gift, even if his means 
 should be quite limited. Pictures, fine engravings, rare or 
 handsomely illustrated books, mantel clocks and ornaments, 
 lamps of artistic design, jewelry of course, handsome articles 
 of furniture, such as chairs or writing-desks, all these and 
 many more are suitable for wedding gifts. Intimate friends 
 and relatives often give money or silverware, or, if they like, 
 some articles for the trousseau. If gifts are marked at all, it 
 should always be with the bride's maiden name or initials. 
 
 Wedding-cake is not sent out as it used to be. It is piled 
 up in boxes on a table at the reception, and each guest takes, 
 let us hope, not more than one box. 
 
 Some brides prefer to be married in a travelling-dress and 
 bonnet (usually of dark handsome silk or velvet material), 
 and to leave at once without any reception. For a wedding 
 of this sort cards may be issued to all the friends for the 
 ceremony at the church, or the marriage may be celebrated 
 very quietly, with only a few witnesses.
 
 THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 167 
 
 A wedding at home is usually more informal than a church 
 wedding. The clergyman enters and faces the company, 
 then the bridal pair enter together and stand facing him. 
 An altar of flowers is sometimes arranged, behind which the 
 clergyman stands, with a cushion or stool in front for the 
 bridal couple to kneel on. After the ceremony is over they 
 turn round in their places and receive the congratulations of 
 their friends, but only those who are very near and dear 
 are permitted to kiss the bride. The old-fashioned custom 
 which allowed every one to do so, is now abandoned, as it 
 deserved to be. 
 
 There are usually neither bridesmaids nor groomsmen at a 
 home wedding. Sometimes all the guests are invited to the 
 ceremony and sometimes relatives only are bidden to it, other 
 friends being invited to attend the reception, which takes 
 place half an hour later. A disadvantage of the latter plan 
 is that in case the marriage is delayed through any circum- 
 stance, the reception guests will begin to arrive before the 
 ceremony is over. 
 
 A widow should never wear at her second marriage either 
 bridal veil, orange-blossoms, or white attire. She usually 
 wears either a light-colored silk or a travelling-dress and 
 bonnet. Unless she should be very young, it would seem 
 in better taste that her wedding should be rather a quiet 
 one. 
 
 A bride may drop her middle name and retain her family 
 name if she prefers to do so. Fashion now favors this course, 
 and a widow marrying again often retains the name of the 
 first husband as a middle name where there are children of 
 the first marriage living, as serving to show her relationship 
 to them. 
 
 Where cards are sent out after a wedding they should give 
 the residence of the newly-married couple, so that their friends 
 may know where to call upon them.
 
 168 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Very often they hold one or two receptions soon after the 
 marriage, or the bride issues cards for one or more of the 
 afternoon occasions now so much in vogue. The refresh- 
 ments for these may be very simple and inexpensive, tea and 
 coffee or chocolate, cake, and sandwiches, being amply suffi- 
 cient. Bouillon or punch makes a good addition in cold 
 weather. 
 
 It is especially important, where a bride goes to live in a 
 new city, that she should, where it is possible and her hus- 
 band's means allow, thus introduce herself to his friends. 
 JTewly-married people are not, however, expected to enter- 
 tain extensively. On the contrary, entertainments are made 
 for them, and every one who has been asked to the wedding 
 should if possible invite the bridal pair in the course of the 
 ensuing season. As has been said elsewhere, brides should 
 be careful to return promptly the calls made upon them, es- 
 pecially if they go to reside in another city ; otherwise they 
 often give deep offence to people who have perhaps made a 
 special effort to call upon them, from motives of kindness 
 and hospitality, because they were strangers in the land.
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS AND ENGLISH WEDDING 
 BREAKFASTS. 
 
 MARRIAGE engagements, as all the world knows, are made 
 in this country by the young people themselves, and very 
 seldom by their parents. Managing mammas or match- 
 making friends may contrive ways and means to bring a 
 young couple together; but these outside influences are ex- 
 erted indirectly, and the main actors in the drama are almost 
 without exception the two parties directly interested. 
 
 A certain inconvenience sometimes results from this " Amer- 
 ican plan ; " as, for instance, where two families who differ 
 much from each other in their tastes, views, and habits 
 suddenly find themselves on the verge of an unlooked-for 
 and undesired connection through the threatened union of 
 two of their members. "We do not in these days " have it 
 out "like the Capulets and Montagues ; but we sometimes 
 feel very much as they did, and look daggers if we don't 
 draw them. 
 
 Under these circumstances, much depends upon our Ro- 
 ineos and Juliets ; and if they are wise they will endeavor to 
 smooth out matters (without resorting to the apothecary), 
 and to soften the hearts of the obdurate parents. Juliet 
 should remember that Borneo's parents may have had other 
 and more ambitious views for their only son. Instead of 
 feeling anger at their disappointment, she should try to change
 
 170 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 it to a pleasant one by making herself as agreeable to them 
 as she can. Unless they are very obdurate or worldly people 
 she will be apt to succeed, because she has a powerful ally 
 under their own roof in the person of their son. 
 
 The elder Montagues and Capulets also should endeavor 
 to modify their transports of wrath, unless in cases where 
 they feel very sure that the proposed marriage would not be a 
 happy one, or where there is some very serious objection to 
 Eomeo or Juliet. A little time ought to be given them to 
 recover from their surprise, to make inquiries perhaps, and 
 to determine what course they will pursue. But let it not be 
 a half-way course. The fiancee of a son ought to be cordially 
 received by her future father-in-law and mother-in-law, and 
 a young girl's intended should be treated with kindness and 
 courtesy by her relatives. Otherwise ill feeling is engendered 
 which often will not be wiped out for two or three generations. 
 To be treated with coldness or half-concealed contempt, espe- 
 cially under such circumstances, is a blow to their pride which 
 most people do not readily forgive. A parent may be par- 
 doned if he hesitates to give his consent to the marriage of a 
 favorite child with a person about whom he knows little or 
 feels uncertain. But his consent once given should be given 
 freely and cordially. 
 
 A new and pleasant custom has arisen by which a young 
 lady writes to all her intimate friends and tells them that 
 her engagement will be announced on such and such a day, 
 of course a very near one. On that day accordingly her 
 friends all call upon her and she holds a pleasant and 
 informal reception. 
 
 Many of her friends send her flowers; and all who have 
 heard from her should call, or send her a congratulatory note. 
 If she is popular in society she will be invited to dinners, 
 evening parties, etc., given in honor of her fiance and herself. 
 
 A solitaire diamond is still the most fashionable engagement
 
 MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS. 171 
 
 ring, though no young lady should expect or even wish to re- 
 ceive such an one where she knows that her lover's means are 
 too limited to justify his making such an expensive present. 
 
 Very strict people say that a young man should make an 
 offer of marriage to a young lady nowhere but under her 
 father's roof. To most of us this seems overstrained ; but he 
 should certainly never make such an offer when the young 
 lady is a guest in his own house. 
 
 Many fathers and mothers allow young people who are 
 engaged to do pretty much as they please ; but the world is so 
 censorious, that a young girl will do well to observe the strict 
 rules of etiquette on the subject. The parents of her fiance 
 may be very punctilious people, and she ought not to do 
 anything to give them cause of offence. 
 
 According to the rules of etiquette a young lady cannot 
 travel alone with the young man to whom she is engaged, 
 nor stay at the same hotel with him, nor go to theatres, con- 
 certs, and parties alone with him. Fifty years ago brides 
 did not leave the house except after dark after the invi- 
 tations to the marriage were sent out. But public opinion no 
 longer demands this unhealthy and absurd seclusion. Many 
 young ladies, however, do not accept any invitations after 
 their wedding cards have been issued. 
 
 A young lady at the sea-shore greatly shocked public opin- 
 ion by going down to the surf beach and bathing on the 
 morning of her wedding day. 
 
 The arrival of the wedding presents is always a signal for 
 great interest and excitement in the household ; but, strange 
 to say, brides often forget or neglect to write and thank the 
 donors. This is a very grave oversight, and makes the young 
 lady appear very ungrateful. She should always write and 
 thank each person who has sent her a present, either before 
 the wedding or as soon after as possible.
 
 172 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Wedding breakfasts after the English fashion are some- 
 times given in this country, but are not very common. 
 They may be either " sit-down" or "stand-up" affairs. The 
 latter are less formal, and do not so severely limit the number 
 of guests as the former necessarily must. At a stand-up 
 breakfast small tables are arranged on one side of the room 
 for the bridal party, while a long table occupies the centre. 
 The gentlemen help the ladies and themselves, and the menu 
 is much the same as at a sit-down breakfast, save that hot 
 entrees are not provided/ 
 
 Those who are invited to a wedding breakfast answer 
 promptly, just as they would in the case of a dinner invitation. 
 Ladies do not remove their bonnets. When breakfast is 
 announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the 
 dining-room or other apartment where the collation is served. 
 They are followed by the bride's father with the bride- 
 groom's mother, the bridegroom's father with the bride's 
 mother, the best man with the first bridesmaid, and tho 
 other bridesmaids with the gentlemen who are appointed to 
 take them down. 
 
 At a "sit-down" breakfast the host or hostess informs each 
 gentleman which lady he is to take down, and presents him 
 to her, where they are not already acquainted. The bride 
 and bridegroom sit at the head of the table or at the centre 
 of one of the sides. Next to the bride sits her father with 
 the bridegroom's mother, and next to the bridegroom comes 
 the bride's mother with the bridegroom's father. The brides- 
 maids with the gentlemen who have taken them down 
 divide themselves into two groups, one group sitting on 
 each side of the table next the parents. This is the rule 
 where the bridal couple occupy the head of the table ; when 
 they are seated at the side, the bridesmaids sit opposite 
 to them, each sitting at the right hand of her attendant 
 cavalier.
 
 ENGLISH WEDDING BREAKFASTS. 173 
 
 The menu usually comprises soup, hot and cold entrees 
 chickens, game, salads, pdte de foie gras, jellies, creams, etc. 
 Tea and coffee are not served, champagne and other wines 
 taking their places. The sweets and fruit are placed on the 
 table. The servants hand all the dishes in due course, and 
 all the wines. Finger-glasses and doilies are not used at 
 an English wedding breakfast, but dinner napkins always 
 are. 
 
 After the more substantial courses have been partaken of, 
 the bride cuts the cake ; though she is not expected to do 
 more than make the first incision, and the real cutting up is 
 done by a servant at the side table. The cake is then 
 handed to all the guests, and every one eats at least a frag- 
 ment. English wedding-cake is covered with a very de- 
 licious frosting strongly flavored with almonds and of a 
 rather soft consistency. 
 
 The health of the bride and bridegroom is proposed by 
 the oldest friend of the family. 
 
 The bridegroom responds in behalf of his wife and himself, 
 and proposes the health of the bridesmaids. The best man 
 returns thanks for the bridesmaids. 
 
 The health of the bride's father and mother is usually 
 proposed by the bridegroom's father. The bride's father 
 returns thanks and proposes the health of the bridegroom's 
 parents. The bridegroom's father acknowledges the compli- 
 ment. The speeches are usually made as short as possible ; 
 but even with this precaution they are apt to be tedious and 
 stiff, and the fashion of making them is not likely to take 
 root in America. The bride leaves the dining-room to put 
 on her travelling-dress as soon as the healths have been 
 drunk. Gentlemen accompany the ladies to the drawing- 
 room, and do not stay behind to take wine. 
 
 At an English wedding the bridegroom always provides 
 the carriage in which he and the bride drive from church
 
 174 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and again drive away after the wedding breakfast. White 
 favors and bouquets deck the horses, coachman, and footman. 
 There are neither ushers nor groomsmen at an English wed- 
 ding. The sexton of the church and the pew-opener officiate 
 instead.
 
 CHAPTEE XIX. 
 
 THE CHAPERONE. 
 
 " YOUNG people think that old people are fools, but old 
 people know that young people are fools," says the rather 
 sour old adage. 
 
 When we are in the heyday of youth, full of spirits and 
 gayety, and believing implicitly in the virtue and good in- 
 tentions of every one around us, the institution of chaperon- 
 age seems to us a very odious and unnecessary restraint on our 
 liberty. Alas, how different does the whole subject look when 
 viewed through the spectacles of a more mature age ! The 
 belief in universal virtue has long since vanished, with other 
 early illusions. Not only do we feel that mankind in general 
 will bear watching, but most of us have grown a shade more 
 worldly as well as a shade less hopeful with advancing years. 
 [We believe that chaperones are very necessary to guard young 
 girls from bad and designing people, and from penniless young 
 men and rash romantic marriages as well. Hence arises, as 
 usual, a hopeless discrepancy between the viexjs of youth and 
 those of age. 
 
 Many American mothers, it is true, do not believe in a 
 very strict chaperonage ; at least, no such belief can be in- 
 ferred from their actions. They allow their daughters to do 
 very much as they please, to go about where and as they 
 like, and in short " to hold the whip hand " generally. Some- 
 times this is the result of indolence or good-nature on the
 
 176 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 mother's part, and sometimes it comes from a conscientious 
 belief that it is best for young people to have their own 
 sweet will. * 
 
 And so it was, perhaps, in the days when we were a young 
 and simple people, living principally in small communities 
 where every one knew every one else. What may be quite 
 permissible in a village is out of place in a large city ; the 
 Joneses and the Browns, who have lived next door to one 
 another all their lives, and who know each other inti- 
 mately, may safely allow their young people more freedom of 
 intercourse than the mother of a city belle could grant to her 
 daughter, surrounded by a host of admirers about whom she 
 knows little or nothing beyond the fact that they appear like 
 gentlemen/ 
 
 I The old American way of putting young people on their 
 honor, and taking it for granted that they would do every- 
 thing that was right, certainly implied a much nobler view 
 of human nature than the French system, for instance, which 
 must have a very curious effect on the minds of the young. 
 What a terribly wicked place the world must seem to a 
 young French girl, since her relatives consider it necessary to 
 shut her up from its evil influences behind the bars of a con- 
 vent ! How she must weary at times of the dull, monotonous 
 life prescribed for her by the good nuns, and long for the 
 arrangement of the marriage which will set her free from 
 durance vile, and give her a chance to become part and parcel 
 of that dreadful world, to make up by plenty of gayety for 
 the long, tiresome years of dreary routine ! Her freedom 
 begins where that of the American girl ends. : 
 
 George Sand was brought up in a convent, and longed at 
 one time to become a religieuse. If she had been reared 
 in a more healthy and natural manner, and allowed to choose 
 her own helpmeet, might not these early and noble aspira- 
 tions have borne their proper fruit in life and character 1
 
 THE CHAPERONE. 177 
 
 Might not the stormy and disastrous career of this woman of 
 genius have been mercifully averted ? 
 
 It would be very unjust to charge Frenchwomen in gen- 
 eral with possessing either the faults or the talents of their 
 famous sister ; but does she not furnish an extreme instance 
 of the folly and wickedness of the French system, a system 
 which culminates in " le mariage de convenance " 1 Of the 
 two extremes, surely the American system, which grants 
 young people liberty to do just as they please in almost 
 every instance, is the better one, at any rate for our people. 
 
 But we are not obliged to choose extremes, and the English 
 method offers a safe middle course, which our people are 
 gradually adopting. Americans now spend so much of their 
 time in Europe, and foreigners do us the honor of coming to 
 the United States in such large numbers, that our views on 
 social subjects cannot but be influenced in some degree by 
 theirs. 
 
 The chaperone may be said, therefore, to be slowly but 
 surely extending her sway in this country, and it is to be 
 hoped that she will make a good and unselfish use of her 
 power, j From a chaperone who is one in name only, some 
 young married woman who utterly neglects her charge and 
 devotes herself to her own amusement solely, from such 
 may Heaven deliver us ! A stationary chaperone is highly 
 desirable for a young lady ; not one devoid of the power of 
 motion, that is to say, but one who at balls and dances re- 
 mains always in the same place, or informs her charge when 
 she is about to change it, so that the latter may be able to 
 return to her without difficulty after every dance. 
 
 But a model chaperone needs many qualifications besides? 
 the one just mentioned. Indeed, the woman who can faith- 
 fully and efficiently perform all the duties involved in matron- 
 izing young ladies, must be very nearly an angel. Night 
 after night she is obliged to sit up till the small hours, watch- 
 
 12
 
 178 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ing the same everlasting round of the german, eating the same 
 indigestible supper, and talking the same wearisome small- 
 talk to other tired dowagers or elderly beaux, all longing to 
 be at home in their own comfortable beds. 
 "* She must not show fatigue nor look cross, no matter what 
 her feelings may be. It is a part of her duty to be entertain- 
 ing and agreeable, and thus form an attractive background, 
 as it were, to her young charge. A brilliant woman who is 
 also an amiable and unselfish one has great opportunities for 
 helping her young people to "have a- good time." Young 
 men like to talk to her) and she takes care to introduce them 
 to her daughters when they come up. If she has good spirits, 
 they are contagious to all around her, and her cleverness and 
 ready answers inspire and amuse $ie young people and put 
 them at their ease. 
 
 She must not, however, endeavor to shine too brightly, 
 lest she put out the lesser lights which it is her duty to tend 
 and brighten. Neither must she say sharp things nor en- 
 courage her daughters to do so. Young men are very much 
 afraid of clever girls who say sharp things; the mother's 
 knowledge of the world has taught her this, and she should 
 teach it to her children. If her daughters are neglected and 
 are not asked to dance, she must bear it like a Spartan ; nor 
 must she ever say disagreeable things about other girls who 
 are receiving more attention. She must endeavor to find 
 out what are the habits and character of the young men with 
 whom her daughters become acquainted, and she must as 
 far as possible nip any undesirable friendships in the bud. 
 At the same time she must not be harsh, severe, nor unjust, 
 lest she lose the confidence and affection of those under her 
 charge. 
 
 Even a model chaperone need not endure martyrdom until 
 every ball breaks up. It is " better form " as well as in- 
 finitely better for the health of all concerned to leave in
 
 THE CHAPEKONE. 179 
 
 good season, and not to have the reputation of being always 
 among the very last to go away. A chaperone accompa^"/ 
 nies those who are under her charge not only to balls 
 and parties, but to the theatre, the opera, to dinner-parties 
 and all evening occasions, and to all ruatin6es, receptions, and 
 other entertainments given in the daytime, unless they 
 are of a very informal character. To the races, coaching- 
 parties, yachting-parties, tennis-tournaments, etc., must the 
 long-sutfering matron go if her daughter does ; and she must 
 also go with the latter to pay visits. Even at home her 
 watch and ward must still be kept up, for according to strict 
 etiquette the chaperone must make a disagreeable third party 
 whenever the young ladies under her charge receive calls ! 
 from gentlemen. 
 
 Against this last restraint, however, American girls rebel 
 vigorously, and with some justice. Mamma does well to sit 
 in the other parlor with her book or work and give the 
 young people a little freedom. Whether she remains in the 
 parlor or not, however, she must never go to bed until all 
 callers have left the house. 
 
 These very strict rules are modified somewhat after a young j 
 lady has been in society for a year or two, and as her youth 
 and inexperience pass away, the added years give her an 
 additional right to take care of herself. Still, even for a girl 
 who is no longer very young, it is not desirable to go much 
 into society alone, especially if she is handsome and attrac- 
 tive. Let her join forces with some young woman of her 
 own age if she has no chaperone to accompany her. An 
 elder sister sometimes matronizes one who is a good deal 
 younger, where the mother is either dead or unable to go 
 into society. 
 
 Where a family of daughters are left without either father 
 or mother, it is very desirable, indeed almost necessary, that 
 they should have an elderly cousin or some other woman of
 
 180 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 mature years come to live with them, that she may give a 
 certain dignity to the household, and help them receive and 
 entertain their guests, even if she cannot accompany them 
 into society. 
 
 Young ladies who are engaged to be married need chaper- 
 ones quite as much as do other girls ; this subject has been 
 already treated in the chapter on engagements. 
 
 For travelling, especially for travelling in Europe, a 
 chaperone is highly desirable and indeed necessary, as the 
 international novel has made Americans understand very 
 clearly. In cities where it is considered highly improper for 
 young ladies to walk abroad, or indeed to go anywhere, 
 alone, what comfort can there be for a girl who has no ac- 
 companying matron to guard her from impertinence and 
 from insult 1 ? If she is at all sensitive she will stay 
 ... the house pining for want of fresh air, and losing the 
 opportunity to see half the sights she longs to see, rather 
 rthan be stared at or spoken to in a disrespectful manner. 
 
 In America it is quite permissible for a young lady to ride 
 or drive with a young man in the day-time, provided a groom 
 or footman accompanies them. In other words, the groom is 
 the substitute on the road for the weary and long-suffering 
 matron. In driving, this is not so much of a boon, as no 
 matter how fast you drive you cannot shake him off ; but in 
 the saddle, a brisk trot or a sharp canter will leave James 
 at a judicious distance in the rear, especially if he has been 
 provided with a good, slow nag. 
 
 It is not according to etiquette that a young lady should 
 go to a party or return from one under the sole escort of a 
 young man, especially if she goes in a carriage. Where she 
 has no mother or other " resident matron " who can accom- 
 pany her to and from the evening's entertainment, she should 
 endeavor to make an arrangement with one or two other 
 young girls, so that they may hire the same carriage and go
 
 THE CHAPERONE. 181 
 
 together. This is or was considered allowable in Boston, 
 where there are a number of old and well-known livery-stable 
 keepers who employ hack-drivers of the highest respectability. 
 But it is not allowable indeed, it would hardly be safe 
 to follow this custom in New York. A young girl in New f 
 York should never drive alone in a hack ; if she arrives at ' 
 the depot alone and is unfortunate enough to have no one to 
 meet her (a most undesirable thing), she must take the cars 
 and express her trunk, as it would be very unsafe for her toj 
 take a hack at the station. 
 
 r~"It seems hardly necessary to say that a young lady must 
 taever go to a restaurant with a young man unless a chaper- 
 one accompanies them ; neither must she go on " excursions " 
 of any sort. Especially should she avoid the fascinations 
 and uncertainties of a sail-boat. If the boat be becalmed, 
 it may be hours before a lauding can be effected ; indeed, 
 a sailing-party is sometimes obliged to stay out all night. 
 Hence much unfavorable comment arises; and perhaps a 
 single careless act of this sort may be remembered spitefully 
 against a girl for many years. Especially will this be the 
 case if she is pretty and attractive, and if she has frank and 
 cordial manners. The plain woman and the woman of cold 
 heart and severe demeanor run little risk of censure ; but the 
 beautiful and charming girl is too often surrounded by a host 
 of detractors, envious people who are delighted to catch 1 
 up and magnify her every thoughtless word or act. 
 /'""The woman who possesses beauty, possesses what most of 
 her sex desire above all else ; but often she pays dearly for 
 this much-coveted gift of Nature. Slander and envy place 
 a thousand thorns in her path ; her own sex can seldom 
 forgive "the most beautiful." Wise Minerva and queenly 
 Juno could not forgive Venus ; and after three thousand 
 years the fair sex have still a root of envy lurking in their 
 hearts. 1
 
 182 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ( Let us all remember, therefore, to guard against this fatal 
 weakness from which even goddesses were not exempt, and 
 to believe only a small fraction of the slander hovering in 
 the air, especially the slander directed against beautiful and 
 [attractive women. 
 
 I A woman of business, an artist or a physician, is not 
 usually thought to need a chaperone in our country. But if 
 she is at all young or pretty, it is very advisable for her to 
 take at least a companion of her own age with her, especially if 
 she is obliged to call upon shop-keepers, men of business, etc. 
 It would certainly seem as if her vocation should afford per- 
 fect protection to such a woman ; but practically it does not 
 always do so. There are some people of mean and base 
 spirit who will treat with profound respect the young lady 
 of wealth, since her patronage will increase their store of 
 dollars and cents, but whose civility is scanty toward the 
 
 woman who has her own way to make in the world. J 
 
 To do the tradesman justice, it is not the degree of the 
 wealth of the person with whom he has to do that alone 
 ("Influences him. No ; he instinctively recognizes a rival, a 
 \ competitor, in the woman of business. There may be appar- 
 ently no possible danger that their interests will ever clash ; 
 but he is prepared for all possibilities, and he at once places 
 himself on the defensiveJ 
 
 Perhaps, too, he has been imposed upon by adventurers 
 and swindlers, and the remembrance thereof makes him cau- 
 tious, makes him bristle at the recollection of past wrongs 
 TTo his pocket. For all these reasons the business woman 
 ' must not expect to be treated with the same courtesy that 
 ever follows the footsteps of her more fortunate sister. And 
 she must above all things avoid the pretty little airs and 
 graces, the charming ways which are so delightful in a parlor, 
 but which are utterly out of place, nay, even dangerous, in 
 the arena of daily struggle for bread and butter.]
 
 THE CHAPE110NE. 183 
 
 She must remember that it is the fact that her calling 
 obliges her to make these visits which alone justifies her i$ 
 doing so, and her manner should be serious, quiet, business^ 
 like, in fact " impersonal " as far as it is possible to make 
 it so. While her dress may very properly be of handsome 
 materials, it should be quiet, plain, and severely lady-like. 
 It is never in good taste to wear showy, gaudy raiment when 
 walking in the public streets, and especially when on an 
 errand of business.
 
 CHAPTEE XX. 
 
 CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. HINTS ON HOW TO AVOID 
 SOME OF ITS BESETTING DANGERS. 
 
 IN order to be an agreeable person in society, it is by no 
 means necessary to be a burning and a shining light therein. 
 On the contrary, the average man and woman (under one or 
 other of which heads most of us belong) are a thousand times 
 more agreeable if they don't try to shine. The art of effacing 
 one's self, as the French say, that is, of being quiet, of not 
 asserting one's own importance, is an art for whose culti- 
 vation (in others) people are always profoundly thankful. 
 Beware, then, of talking too much ; do not talk to show how 
 clever you are or how much you know, but rather to amuse 
 and entertain the person with whom your lot is cast for the 
 moment; or, better still, carry on your conversation with 
 him in such a way that you may be mutually benefited and 
 instructed, remembering always that your topic should not 
 be too serious for the occasion. A sermon would be out of 
 place in a ball-room. 
 
 In one of Balzac's stories a lady advises the hero not to 
 be too brilliant, and never to amuse the company too pal- 
 pably. " Que votre supe"riorite soit leonine," she says. 
 
 A good listener is better appreciated by nine people out of 
 ten, in this world of ours, than the most brilliant talker. 
 
 But in order to be a good listener, one must listen. Alas, 
 how hard that is sometimes when one is detained in the 
 clutches of those Ancient Mariners of society, the long-winded
 
 CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 185 
 
 bores ! For the bore is usually long-winded, although the 
 existence of silent bores, especially among the very young, 
 cannot be denied. The silent bore is but half a bore, how- 
 ever ; he is a sort of albino of the species, and the world 
 calmly treads on his corns and his prejudices, ignores him, 
 and usually tolerates and forgives him. 
 
 Some people acquire the art of appearing to pay strict 
 attention to what is said to them, when their thoughts are 
 in reality a long way off ; but this is a very dangerous game 
 to play at. Your interlocutor is always liable suddenly to 
 put some question, your answer to which will be pretty sure 
 to betray that your mind has wandered to other pastures. 
 A gentleman who was a great favorite in society said lately 
 that when he Avauted to have his mind free to hear what the 
 couple next to him were saying, he would observe to the lady 
 with whom he was conversing, " What did you do to-day 1 " 
 Her naturally prolix answer gave him the needed time to 
 hear what his next-door neighbors were saying. Such a ruse 
 is only safe, however, for an accomplished habitue of society. 
 
 If you wish to be agreeable, avoid personal anecdotes 
 about yourself, your family, and friends, unless in talking to 
 those with whom you are really intimate. Remember that 
 to most people a story about yourself may be interesting, if 
 it is interesting per se ; otherwise it will not be. 
 
 " Mortify your own vanity if you don't want other people 
 to mortify it for you," would be an excellent social maxim. 
 Avoid vain repetitions in conversation as well as in more 
 serious matters. If you are in the habit of repeating the 
 same stories and relating the same experiences, you will run 
 great danger of repeating them to the same persons to whom 
 you have told them once before, nay, perhaps twice or even 
 three times before. I have known people who were in other 
 respects conscientious and reputable members of society, but 
 whose guilt on this dreadful question of repeating themselves
 
 186 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 was too black to be in any way palliated or denied. When 
 Jones tells me for the fifteenth time how he rescued his uncle 
 from a watery grave in the Public Garden pond by means of 
 the head gardener's hay -rake, what are my feelings'? They 
 are too tumultuous to be put on paper, or rather they were. 
 From the third to the tenth time that he related that fear- 
 some tale, I used actually to wish his uncle had drowned 
 then and there. What are the lives of a whole generation of 
 Jones's uncles compared with my peace of mind 1 But now 
 I have become quite hardened ; I even help him out with 
 the story sometimes when he forgets a detail. Would / 
 could forget one single item of that wretched anecdote ! 
 
 All this misery which vain repetition insures to weary listen- 
 ers might be avoided, however, certainly a great deal of it, 
 if the story-teller or the relater of his personal experiences 
 (the last-named is usually the most difficult to cure of his 
 bad habit) would observe a few simple rules. First, confine 
 your reminiscences to accounts of events that have recently 
 occurred ; in this way you will not be apt to forget to whom 
 you have or have not told them, although when in doubt 
 it is always a good plan to say, "Did I tell _ you about 
 so and so?" 
 
 A young man said not long ago that he thought he should 
 shoot the next person who asked him if he had seen the 
 A. T. Stewart collection ; that young man had my profound 
 sympathy. The rule spoken of above was suggested to me 
 by the conversation of a very brilliant woman, but a woman 
 who liked better to be agreeable than to talk about herself. 
 As she saw a great deal of people and tilings, she naturally 
 spoke of what she had seen and heard, of interesting and 
 quaint individuals whom she had met. But the events thus 
 related were almost invariably of recent occurrence, or else 
 they were stories about people whose names had already 
 occurred in the conversation, and stories that were not gen-
 
 CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 187 
 
 erally known, perhaps about those old times that are so 
 old as to be new to the present generation. 
 
 Howells, in his "Indian Summer," makes his hero so 
 economical of topics that one would be spread out so as to 
 cover a number of different conversations in the course of 
 the day or evening. This is safe enough to do if you only 
 obey the second rule ; and that is, after airing your topic or 
 your story, or whatever it is, well and thoroughly, put it in 
 the bottom of a barrel, like the minister's sermons. After 
 five years, or certainly after ten years, you can safely bring 
 it out again. Even the newspapers tell us the same things 
 every ten years. They calculate that it takes about that 
 length of time for a new generation to grow up, and a new 
 generation needs to be told the old truths and the old stories. 
 Strict originality, of course, we cannot expect. Emerson says 
 that no thought is entirely original, but can be traced back 
 through generations of thinkers, ending with the archangels 
 perhaps. 
 
 We all know to our cost that jokes are immortal; or at 
 least that most of them date back to those champion wits 
 and thinkers, the ancient Greeks. But every now and then 
 society rises in its might and says it will have no more of a 
 certain joke, so it is temporarily buried, not cremated. A 
 joke cannot, in the nature of things, be cremated, since its 
 resurrection is only a matter of time. 
 
 It is of course a very nice question just how much or how 
 little to talk, and just what to say, on social occasions of 
 various sorts and sizes ; but it is a question in which a regard 
 for the feelings of others, a desire not only to enjoy one's 
 self but to have others enjoy themselves also, will be of the 
 greatest assistance. It is said by thorough horsemen that no 
 matter how skilful one may be in the saddle or on the box, 
 a man should never cease to watch his horse. Xo one can tell 
 at what moment the animal may play him a trick, become
 
 188 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 suddenly frightened, or in some way call for the instant 
 tightening of the reins, with words of reassurance or com- 
 mand, as the case may be. Now that unruly member the 
 tongue needs to be held under just such close surveillance. 
 Conversation has been aptly likened to fencing. But in a 
 society that is truly polite, the guard which keeps the foil 
 from making any deadly thrust is never removed, even 
 though the combatants, if at all wary, are sure to be protected 
 by fencing-masks. In the face of the accomplished man of 
 the world it is not easy to read his thoughts. He does not 
 " wear his heart upon his sleeve, for daws to peck at." 
 
 Having spoken of the cruelty of those who tell always the 
 same tale, like the hand-organ, a word should be added as to 
 how their hearers should bear themselves under the torture. 
 This can best be done by citing the behavior under such 
 circumstances of a lady who is, and justly, a general favorite 
 wherever she goes. She listens quietly to the "same old 
 story," betraying neither by word nor deed that she has ever 
 heard it before. Above all, she does not interrupt the story- 
 teller, and set him right if he makes some mistake iu telling 
 his beloved anecdote. There is sometimes a great temptation 
 to interrupt a speaker where he makes a mistake; but 
 it is never polite to do so. If he is making a statement 
 of fact that is calculated to do injustice to somebody, or 
 that will be prejudicial to the truth, one may say politely, 
 after the other speaker has finished what he has to say, 
 that one differs from him, or that one has heard the story 
 otherwise; but where no question of principle is involved, 
 what does it matter whether Jones plays his tune straight 
 or with variations? 
 
 Remember that it is never polite, in general conversation, 
 to talk long upon a subject about which some of those pres- 
 ent know nothing. This is just as true whether your sub- 
 ject be an elevated one, or merely society sm nil-talk and
 
 CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 189 
 
 gossip. Young people who belong to the same set and have 
 a great deal in common to talk about, will sometimes do this 
 thing thoughtlessly when one or two strangers are present. 
 They forget that, interesting as it may be to themselves to 
 hear about Tom's new dog-cart, or who danced the german, 
 and with whom, at the Snifkinses' the night before, such de- 
 tails cannot have the same charm to a young lady from 
 another city who has never seen Tom, and possibly never 
 even heard of the Snifkinses ! It is better even to talk about 
 the weather (blessed topic !) than to leave some one present 
 permanently out of the circle of conversation. What people 
 do to eke out dreadful gaps in conversation in California, 
 where the weather changes only two or three times a year, 
 no one has yet told us. It is to be presumed that they fall 
 back upon the game of Brag, and praise their ever-smiling 
 skies. 
 
 It goes without saying, that people should "sink the 
 shop " that is, not talk of their business or profession 
 in public. Yet any careful observer must have noticed that 
 as it is with morals so it is with manners. We may know 
 perfectly well that to do such and such a thing is a breach of 
 the social code ; but if we wish to very much, we are very 
 apt to do it. A young surgeon, not long since, very much 
 disgusted some ladies of his acquaintance by his bloodthirsty 
 (it seemed to them) encomiums upon surgery. " The knife, 
 the knife is the only thing!" he vehemently exclaimed. 
 And yet this young fellow belonged in what is technically 
 termed Good Society, belonged to a "good old family," 
 had had a college education, and was in general extremely 
 polite ! 
 
 It is well to avoid riding one's favorite hobby too much in 
 general society, though that would be a cruel rule which de- 
 nied all hobbies an entrance into the drawing-room. If 
 it were put at the foot of invitations, " No hobby-horses
 
 190 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 allowed, " probably many more refusals would be sent in for 
 " talking-parties " than is now the case. If you cannot be 
 happy without your hobby, bring it with you, but keep 
 it concealed as much as possible, remembering that that is 
 a poor mind which can entertain only one subject. 
 
 Although it is often interesting and agreeable to hear peo- 
 ple talk about the books they have read, one should never 
 "cram" for any particular occasion, unless bien-entendu that 
 one is going to make a speech. A person who " crams " for 
 a dinner-party, or for a visit to the country, is pretty sure to 
 be found out. For in order to introduce the subject he 
 wishes into conversation, he has either got to " drag it in by 
 the head and ears," or else adopt some circuitous route, 
 some leading-up to the subject which will be apt to betray 
 the purpose of its bringing-in. 
 
 Curiously enough, this habit of cramming is sometimes in- 
 dulged in by those who least need its aid, by men of 
 literary attainment and good conversational powers. They 
 seem to forget that this special preparation destroys all the 
 sparkle, all the spontaneity of conversation which should 
 bubble up from the meeting of active minds just as the con- 
 tact with the air makes the champagne foam. Society always 
 finds this trait hard to forgive. Not only are the rest of the 
 company taken at an unfair advantage, but the little game 
 itself is a sort of deceit, and shows an undue desire to shine 
 on the part of the person who makes use of it. Another 
 habit to which society strongly objects is that of punning. 
 Of course an occasional pun can be forgiven; but constant 
 punning, in these days, is frowned upon by general consent. 
 It is true that the custom is a very ancient one, as old as 
 the times of the Greeks. It is true also that the great 
 Shakspeare indulged very lavishly in plays upon words, ac- 
 cording to the fashion of his day. I believe it was Foote who 
 said that no one objected to a pun but the man who could n't
 
 CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 191 
 
 make one. He was naturally biassed in his views, however, 
 from the fact of his being personally an incorrigible punster. 
 
 The great objections to punning are that it breaks up the 
 thread of conversation, and wearies the mind by turning it 
 constantly into some new and unexpected channel. It is 
 necessarily an interruption ; and even agreeable interruptions 
 become tedious if repeated too often. 
 
 A few additional hints as to what should be avoided in 
 conversation will not perhaps be out of place here. 
 
 Beware of making jokes in general society. To the man 
 of literal mind a joke is entirely incomprehensible. An 
 elderly lady, who was completely destitute of all sense of the 
 ludicrous, remarked recently, apropos of Frank Stockton and 
 his delightful nonsense, " He will be sorry, when he grows 
 older, that he spent his time in writing such stuff ! " 
 
 Never make personal remarks or jokes. The latter are 
 very liable to be misunderstood, even when made with per- 
 fect good-nature. Especially is this the case with personal 
 jokes made in letters, where voice and gesture are lacking 
 to convey adequately the intention of jesting. One must 
 never ask a person's age, or call attention to his dress and 
 personal belongings. 
 
 Avoid stormy discussion in a mixed company, and, conse- 
 quently, avoid those subjects on which people are apt to feel 
 most strongly, and differ most widely, namely, politics and 
 religion. The anecdote of the Englishman who discussed 
 politics with a stranger in a stage, and who became so excited 
 that he knocked the head of his antagonist through the stage 
 window, is only a slight exaggeration of the scenes of excite- 
 ment which most of us have witnessed when politics were 
 under discussion. 
 
 A truly well-bred person will endeavor to change the theme 
 of conversation when he perceives that those with 'whom he 
 is conversing are becoming unduly excited.
 
 192 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 An essential part of the art of conversation consists in the 
 ability to " draw out " others, and to , make them talk on the 
 topics with which they themselves are well acquainted, and 
 in which they are interested. This was a rule with Emerson, 
 as well as with other truly wise men and women. The wise 
 man is continually searching for more light ; and he knows 
 that from comparatively humble people, even from the me- 
 chanic or artisan, there is much that he can learn. There- 
 fore while he is quite willing to give light to others if 
 they desire it, and to impart information, he despises, as 
 unworthy of a great mind, that sort of conversation which 
 is indulged in merely to show off what a man knows, 
 in order that he may excite the admiration of those about 
 him. 
 
 It is surprising, therefore, to see the fatal mistake which 
 many persons of superficial accomplishments make, in en- 
 deavoring to display their little learning, when talking to a 
 man or woman of superior intelligence and solid acquire- 
 ments. They cannot resist the temptation to show what 
 they know, and are so blinded by their own vanity that they 
 do not see what folly they are guilty of ; nor do they per- 
 ceive that " out of their own mouths they are judged," their 
 loquacity betraying the narrow limits and the superficial 
 character of their attainments. 
 
 If such people would be content to talk about some sub- 
 ject with which they were thoroughly conversant, even if 
 it were a shop subject, they would find in the learned man 
 an interested listener. For though one should not as a rule 
 talk shop, it is permissible to do so to a person who is evi- 
 dently interested in the subject. 
 
 The pygmy who rashly tries his strength against the giant, 
 is guilty of a more noble fault, however, than the giant who, 
 without provocation, crushes the pygmy. The man who takes 
 pains constantly to make a display of what he knows to other
 
 CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 193 
 
 pei-sons of decidedly inferior education and accomplishments, 
 is sadly wanting in magnanimity. 
 
 It is not in accordance with the spirit of our age to pay 
 empty and unmeaning compliments. In our self-assertive 
 day men do not praise their neighbors, and the old-fashioned 
 elaborate and flowery language of compliment has fallen into 
 disuse. This is scarcely to be regretted, for sincerity is al- 
 ways good, even the sincerity of selfishness. Besides, the 
 moment that selfishness ceases to masquerade under the garb 
 of hypocrisy, its true character is at once made known, and 
 being made known, will ere long be corrected. 
 
 That young men still say pretty things to young and 
 charming women is not to be denied ; but our belles will 
 not tolerate compliments unless they are well turned, and, in 
 appearance at least, sincere ; nor will they allow a fond youth 
 to repeat the same pretty speech to half a dozen girls. In 
 the delightful moments of confidence and retrospection with 
 which young ladies indulge themselves after a ball, the youth 
 who has said the same thing to all of them is severely con- 
 demned by the fair conclave, amid peals of silvery laughter. 
 
 It is not polite to express doubts of a story, even if many 
 large fishes are introduced into the tale ; neither is it polite 
 to criticise or find fault with pictures, bric-a-brac, etc., which 
 are displayed for your admiration. " I wish," said a clever 
 
 woman, " that I could borrow that sweet smile of 's. 
 
 He never praises what he does not admire, but he smiles so 
 benignly, that he satisfies people just as well as if he broke 
 out into the most extravagant encomiums." 
 
 The man or woman who can say sharp and witty things is 
 usually unpopular ; the world fears more than it likes such 
 a person. Where a man possesses the delightful faculty of 
 being witty and amusing, and of saying bright things that 
 are neither unkind nor satirical, he is, of course, the prince 
 of good fellows, as he deserves to be. 
 
 13
 
 194 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Of gossip and slander it is, let us hope, needless to speak. 
 It is as ill-bred as it is unchristian to indulge in them ; 
 and the present renaissance of learning (I refer to the epi- 
 demic of reading-classes, literary clubs, etc., now so preva- 
 lent in our cities, towns, and villages), if it accomplishes no 
 other good, at least vastly diminishes the tendency to gossip 
 about one's neighbors.
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 
 
 " THY speech bewrayeth thee," said the Jewish damsel to 
 Simon Peter. How often do we see people who have with 
 painful effort acquired all the social graces and even a certain 
 elegance of manner, but who still betray by the misuse of a 
 single letter it may be the defects of their early education ! 
 It is in vain for the woman who says " kep " instead of " kept" 
 to have armorial bearings emblazoned all over her plate, and 
 a whole gallery filled with the portraits of her ancestors. 
 That one little letter t, with which all her wealth cannot 
 supply her, settles her former social status in spite of her 
 many protestations. 
 
 The wisdom of all ages has recognized this traitor-quality 
 of voice and language. ^Esop sets it forth in his fable of the 
 Ass in the Lion's skin ; and the old fairy story tells us how 
 the good girl was known by the roses and pearls that fell 
 from her lips, while vipers and toads betrayed the vixenish 
 heart of her unkind sister. The modern saying has it that 
 a fool may pass for a wise man if he only knows enough to 
 keep his mouth shut. 
 
 People are not on their guard as to their manner of speech ; 
 their own ears are so accustomed to it that it makes little 
 impression on them. If phonographs were as common as 
 looking-glasses, we might be as watchful of how we talk as 
 we now are of how we look. A keen observer can judge of
 
 196 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 a man's age, character, manners, and morals, by the sound of 
 his voice alone. 
 
 The proper cultivation of the voice is of very great impor- 
 tance, especially for Americans. " Whether it is the climate 
 or the 'abits," we undoubtedly have a tendency to speak in 
 harsh nasal tones as the candid foreigner takes sincere pleas- 
 ure in informing us. Proper cultivation and use of the voice 
 not only increase its beauty, but prevent its becoming thin 
 and cracked with age, and add greatly to a person's health 
 and strength. You will hear women of forty speak, whose 
 voices are thin and worn because they have never used them 
 properly ; while other women of threescore and ten or even 
 more years speak Avith round, full, strong tones that are 
 delightful and refreshing to hear. 
 
 Public speaking, singing, acting, are all healthful pursuits 
 in spite of the late hours they involve. Even reading aloud 
 is said to be an excellent preservative of the voice. Probably 
 nothing is worse for it than scolding in a high key, or than 
 the deplorable habit, so prevalent in some houses, of " yelling " 
 up and down stairs. 
 
 Children should be trained not to pitch their voices too 
 high ; indeed, every one should speak in chest tones, and not 
 from the head and throat. A successful school-teacher said 
 to the writer, " If children are inclined to be unruly and 
 troublesome, don't raise your voice and scream at them, but 
 drop it ; speak lower and not higher." If you speak loud 
 and high, it shows that you yourself are excited ; but if you 
 speak in a low, firm tone, you show that you command your- 
 self and mean to command others. In " Daniel Deronda," 
 Gwendolen's hateful husband speaks in a low voice of re- 
 pressed power whenever he means to be especially disagree- 
 able, and the high-strung, spirited woman feels obliged to 
 submit to his tyrannical mandates, soft-spoken though 
 they be.
 
 ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 197 
 
 A clever man who was very attentive to a beautiful but 
 not very intellectual woman, was once asked what great charm 
 
 he found in Miss , and whether her conversation was not 
 
 very dull. " Oh, no ! " he replied ; " she does n't say any- 
 thing that is very startling, but I like so much to hear her 
 talk. When she tells me that she had bread and butter for 
 luncheon, she pronounces ' bread ' and ' butter ' in such a 
 charming way that it is truly delightful ! " 
 
 There are certain words which seem predestined to martyr- 
 dom, so persistently are they mispronounced and abused. 
 Take for instance the word " gentleman ; " certainly it does 
 not seem very difficult to pronounce in the right way, that is, 
 just as it is spelled. But many people make a curious mum- 
 ble in the middle of it, so that it sounds much like " gemp- 
 man " or " gehempman " or " genelman." The man who 
 aspires to be a gentleman should be very careful to pronounce 
 his own title distinctly. The abbreviation " gents " is never 
 used by people of education. Another very common but 
 less damning error is to omit the n sound in government, 
 and to pronounce it " goverment." Even well-educated 
 people make this mistake through carelessness. 
 
 A distinct utterance and the careful enunciation of every 
 letter when pronouncing a word are of .the greatest impor- 
 tance. One should not be slovenly in speech any more than 
 in dress, handwriting, or any other detail of the conduct of 
 life. It is not necessary to speak loiicl in order to speak 
 clearly. A soft, low, and gentle voice we hold to be " an ex- 
 cellent thing in woman," as much as Shakspeare did. But 
 beware of a woman with a voice that is ever soft ! Often 
 she is very sweet-tempered, but you will find her to be of no 
 soft will, and as hard to move as adamant, from any determi- 
 nation she has once formed. 
 
 Some women who speak with soft and pleasant voices mar 
 what would otherwise be the perfect whole of their speech,
 
 198 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 by a peculiar indistinctness of utterance, which conveys to 
 the by-stander the impression that their mouths are full of 
 pudding. This is a more agreeable extreme than the sharp, 
 hard, nasal tones of many Yankees ; but it savors of affec- 
 tation, and makes conversation difficult and one-sided. Such 
 an enunciation pretty, but hard to understand is like 
 the much-abused English hand-writing popular with many 
 ladies. A letter written in the extremity of this style is 
 very pretty and interesting, unless you happen to wish to 
 read it! 
 
 The general tendency of Americans is toward distinct, 
 although it may be unmusical utterance. We do not slur 
 and abbreviate names as much as the English do, and our 
 tendency to pronounce all there is of a proper name is 
 sometimes carried too far. When a brakeman screams out 
 "Green wich, Nor wich, Brans wick," the polite ears 
 of the passengers are deeply offended. " Grinnidge, Norridge, 
 Bruns'ick," have become the standard and recognized mispro- 
 nunciations originated by our British brethren, who seem to 
 have a special dislike to the letter w as well as to the letter h. 
 Berwick, they pronounce Berrick ; St. John (used as a proper 
 name), Sinjun ; Gower, Gore ; Salisbury, Salzbury ; Cockburn, 
 Coburn ; Cowper, Couper, the w taking the sound of u ; 
 Brougham, Broum ; Pontefract, Pomfret ; Geoghegau, Gay- 
 gan ; Belvoir, Bever ; Beauchamp, Seacham, etc. 
 
 Other instances of names whose spelling and pronunciation 
 are at deadly feud with each other are too well known, 
 perhaps, to need mention, " Cholmondeley " and " Marjori- 
 banks," which look so stately in print, but whose owners must 
 be addressed as plain " Chumley " and " Marchbanks ; " " Cav- 
 endish," which is pronounced " Candish," etc. Less known 
 than these, and more singular than any, is the name of a 
 certain family in Virginia who spell their name " Enroughty " 
 and pronounce it " Darby."
 
 ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 199 
 
 While Americans are justly proud of the comparative free- 
 dom from dialects which distinguishes our great country, 
 they still love to poke a little fun at one another on account 
 of slight local differences in accent and speech. The New 
 Englander smiles at the "spoon," "av'noo," "chick'n," etc. 
 of " N'Yawk," and thinks it is utterly foolish to flatten the 
 a in bath, last, dance, etc. 
 
 The New Yorker responds by pointing out the evident 
 absurdity of calling coat " coat " (wherein he is right) and 
 the great advantage of saying " dawg " as he does, rather than 
 "dSg," as we do (wherein he is wrong). And the inhabi- 
 tants of both sections of country agree in wondering at the 
 folly of "Westerners, with their wonderfully rolled r's, and 
 of Southerners, with their "paws " and " maws " and various 
 negroidal peculiarities of dialect. 
 
 Now that the English accent has become so fashionable, 
 the New Yorker is endeavoring rapidly to broaden his a'*, 
 while the Bostonian strives to shake off the nasal quality of 
 his tone, and to dwell a little longer on his words. Thus 
 are two hostile factions peacefully united in their loving imi- 
 tations of a third party ! 
 
 " English as she is spoke " by well-bred Englishmen them- 
 selves is certainly a very charming tongue, and much more 
 poetical than our American version; but the imitations of 
 English speech that are becoming so current here have the 
 pinchbeck quality of all counterfeits. In the first place, 
 they seem affected ; and affectation is a form of insincerity 
 which may be very innocent, but is almost universally dis- 
 liked. In the second place, imitation is a sign of weakness 
 in nations and in individuals. 
 
 Emerson says that nations are great and vigorous while 
 they are occupied with their own affairs. The following 
 passage from one of his essays might be read with advantage 
 by the dudish youth of to-day. " The young men in America
 
 200 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 at this moment take little thought of what men in England 
 are thinking or doing. That is the point which decides the 
 welfare of a people ; which way does it look ? If to any 
 other people, it is not well with them. If occupied in its 
 own affairs and thoughts and men, with a heat which ex- 
 cludes almost the notice of any other people, as the Jews, 
 the Greeks, the Persians, the Romans, the Arabians, the 
 French, the English, at their best times have done, they 
 are sublime ; and we know that in this abstraction they are 
 executing excellent work." 
 
 Herodotus says : " The Persians are of all nations most 
 ready to adopt foreign customs ; for they wear the Medic 
 costume, thinking it handsomer than their own ; and in war 
 they use the Egyptian cuirass. And they practise all kinds 
 of indulgences with which they become acquainted." How 
 little these imitative and rather foppish Persians were able to 
 withstand the Greeks, every schoolboy knows. 
 
 All of which is respectfully submitted for the consideration 
 of the grand army of returned Anglo-Ameiicans who have 
 with so much difficulty learned the trick of a new speech, 
 and very imperfectly, after all their trouble. It is not possi- 
 ble for us, with our nervous organization and quickness of 
 thought and action, to speak with the graceful slowness 
 (sometimes called drawl) which distinguishes the elder, slower, 
 more mature branch of our race. A kitten might as well 
 attempt to imitate the gait of an old and very respectable 
 tortoise. 
 
 Englishmen have a way of dwelling lovingly upon their 
 words, which is very pretty to hear. Even ugly words be- 
 come attractive from the caress of their speech. I once heard 
 an Englishman of some literary note pronounce "vulture" in 
 such soft lingering accents, with so long a dwelling upon the 
 first syllable, and such a soft liquid sound of the I, that the 
 odious bird of prey seemed for the moment transfigured into
 
 ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 201 
 
 an amiable and poetic animal. Even the curt monosyllables 
 "yes" and "no" the Briton contrives to make of a respecta- 
 ble length by judiciously hissing the s and adding a w sound 
 to the no. 
 
 That dreadful vulgarism perpetrated by some Americans of 
 saying " yeah " for yes, cannot be too severely condemned. 
 Not only is the mispronunciation hateful, but it creates con- 
 fusion by making " yes " sound too much like " no." The 
 negative and affirmative in our modern languages are of very 
 different sound in order to avoid any possible mistake. 
 We could not now tolerate " yea " and " nay," because they 
 sound too much alike. 
 
 Another unpleasant abbreviation is that of " gen'ally " for 
 generally. Some people find it very difficult to pronounce 
 th before s, and say "clo'es" and "mon's" instead of "clothes" 
 and " months." Others drop the h after w, saying " w'ite " 
 and "w'en" for "white" and "when." This suppression 
 of the letter h is also characteristic of the speech of a certain 
 class of Englishmen, as all the world knows. Why Ameri- 
 cans do not also add the h in the wrong place, like their 
 cockney brethren, is a puzzle to the learned, and students of 
 language have brought forth various theories to account for 
 this curious fact. 
 
 The elision of the g final in such words as " going, saying, 
 doing," etc., is not often heard now in the speech of educated 
 people ; but twenty years ago there were still a number of 
 elderly persons who never thought of saying aught but "goin', 
 doin', sayin'," etc. The shortening of the o in " stone " is an 
 ugly but common mistake ; still worse is the childish error 
 of adding r to words ending in a vowel sound, as " idear, 
 saw?*," etc. 
 
 When it comes to the pronunciation of foreign words, one 
 is treading on dangerous ground ; it is better not to quote 
 from other languages unless one is familiar with them, and
 
 202 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 knows them by sound as well as by sight. Even then, quo- 
 tations should be sparingly used, as it is in very bad taste to 
 interlard one's discourse constantly with French or German 
 words ; neither is it now the fashion to do so. 
 
 To quote Latin, and get the quantities, genders, and cases 
 wrong, seems a needless barbarity toward a poor language 
 that is already dead. And with anglicized Greek and Latin 
 words it is a poor plan to venture on a plural unless you 
 have sufficient grounds for supposing it to be the right one. 
 Thus people who wish to be especially correct will carefully 
 say " memorandas," every time, in a way calculated to make 
 Harkness, Allen, Greenough, and the rest writhe with torture 
 and surprise. Memorandum is now an English word; and 
 though educated people generally use the Latin plural, memo- 
 randa, it is quite allowable simply to make the plural like 
 that of any other English word. A woman who wished to 
 be extremely exact in her conversation said lately to a friend, 
 " You can telegraw if you wish to ! " 
 
 It is a safe rule not to follow every new wind of doctrine 
 in pronunciation, as in other matters. Often it is raised by 
 some one who has a very imperfect knowledge of the subject, 
 and by following his lead a person often appears ridiculous, 
 and reveals, perhaps, the defects of early education as well 
 as an over-ambition to speak " in the newest manner and the 
 politest fashion." Whereas if one pronounces a word in the 
 ordinary or old-fashioned manner, attention is not specially 
 drawn to it. 
 
 Thus it is rather amusing to hear a country dressmaker 
 speak of a " polonay " in a mildly corrective tone, which re- 
 bukes the ignorance of her customer for calling the garment 
 a "polonaise." 
 
 While nothing is quite as bad as coarseness and rudeness 
 of speech and language, there is still a sort of affectation, of 
 over-delicacy, and would-be precision, that is almost as bad.
 
 ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 203 
 
 You will find these neither in the works of the best writers 
 nor in the mouths of the most refined and cultivated men 
 and women. They are the characteristics of people who 
 either have not had a liberal education or who have not 
 enjoyed the best social advantages. 
 
 The perpetual use of the word "limb" for "leg," and 
 " retire " for " go to bed," are familiar instances of this over- 
 delicacy. " He fell and sustained a fracture of the limb " 
 is an absurd and needlessly vague way of intimating that a 
 man broke his leg; and while it is perfectly proper and 
 correct to use the form "retire" occasionally, yet the con- 
 stant eschewing of the plain old English phrase seems both 
 affected and prudish. 
 
 The over-precision of which I have spoken can perhaps 
 best be denned by calling it grammar-school precision ; since 
 it is of a kind found often among grammar-school teachers 
 and graduates, and suggestive of this degree of education 
 rather than of a higher. A seamstress of peculiar "refine- 
 ment," of whom a lady had ordered a set of nightgowns, sent 
 in her bill for the making of so many " bed-dresses." The 
 expressions " lady friend " and " gentleman friend " have 
 been so persistently held up to deserved scorn by the " New 
 York World," that we may hope their fate is sealed. The 
 use of the word " female " for woman is rapidly going out of 
 fashion, as it deserves. It is inelegant, and very derogatory 
 to one half of mankind. 
 
 "Newspaper English" often amazes us with its persistent 
 affectations, and with its constant and absurd use of certain 
 pet phrases which are evidently deemed by the writer to be 
 extremely elegant. Thus, according to some newspapers, no 
 events of moment ever take place or happen ; they always 
 "transpire." Neither does any citizen live or dwell any- 
 where ; he always " resides." It goes without saying that 
 these remarks do not apply to the editorial pages of first-class
 
 204 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 papers. " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing," here as 
 elsewhere. As a remedy for over-formality, I would suggest 
 copious doses of " our best writers " and strict attention to 
 the language of our best speakers. 
 
 A lady was reading a manuscript production aloud to a 
 friend, when the latter exclaimed in horror, " You must alter 
 that and that!" "If you had seen the manuscript, you 
 would have known that both those expressions were quoted," 
 was the reply. " One was from Carlyle and one from 
 Emerson." 
 
 Where people of imperfect early education have supple- 
 mented it later in life by a course of reading, the effect on their 
 pronunciation is sometimes very curious. They know the 
 words by sight but not by sound, and will call them " out of 
 their names " in a very funny way. Children who have not 
 been well trained in reading aloud fall into the same errors. 
 Hence it is very important for pronunciation, as well as for 
 the voice, to drill young people thoroughly and long in read- 
 ing and speaking. A bright boy of thirteen, who was very 
 fond of books and could spell more than ordinarily well, 
 ceased to attend the reading-class at his school because his 
 parents thought it needless for him to do so any longer. But 
 when they heard that boy say " hummid " for " humid," 
 " delic'acy " for " del'icacy," they sent him back to his class 
 in very short order. A course of Webster's Unabridged will 
 undoubtedly cure these defects, if the patient has the courage 
 to take it. 
 
 Only the State and its rulers .have the right to coin 
 money ; and only the kings of language have the right to coin 
 new words. They, the great writers and thinkers, may do it, 
 for they do it intelligently, and will not abuse their privilege 
 by debasing the coinage or overcrowding it ; but that every 
 newspaper writer should be allowed to make new words and 
 scatter them broadcast over the country is simply barbarous.
 
 ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 205 
 
 Allusion is not here made to slang (which is the necessary 
 concomitant of a living language, and not altogether a bad 
 thing in homoaopathic doses), but to such dreadful evolu- 
 tions of speech as " donate," " orate," " walkist," " residen- 
 tial," "disconcertion," etc. Occasionally these new words, 
 though barbarous, have the merit of filling a gap in the 
 language ; but oftener they are invented for the sake of 
 greater (?) elegance, or for their novelty. But when you 
 have the good Saxon words " give " and " speak," why 
 change them for such weak words of Latin derivation as 
 "donate" and "orate"? 
 
 It is a well-known rule, with few exceptions, that one 
 should choose words of Saxon rather than of Latin origin ; 
 but the grammar-school or affected style always takes the 
 Latin word. The person who uses it may perhaps be quite 
 innocent of knowing its derivation ; he likes it because it is 
 long, and has a learned sound. 
 
 It is well known that the greatest writers use the largest 
 number of different words, just as the uneducated man uses 
 the fewest. Sophocles, the Greek professor at Harvard, once 
 gave the writer a very interesting account of the different num- 
 ber of words used by persons of different grades of education ; 
 of all which I can only recall the fact that the smallest vocab- 
 ulary was limited to a few hundred words, and that of a 
 college graduate to a few thousand. 
 
 Shakspeare used more words than any one writer in the 
 English language, about fifteen thousand. Milton comes 
 next, but with a much smaller vocabulary. 
 
 One of the exceptions to the rule of using the Saxon word 
 in preference to the Latin is found in the word " folks." 
 It is now considered inelegant to use this word as applied to 
 a family or number of people ; indeed, those who are care- 
 ful in their speech do not use it save in the singular number 
 and in an historical connection, as in " folk-lore."
 
 206 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 " How are all your folks?" certainly has a very barbarous 
 sound to ears polite. And yet it is hardly safe, in greeting a 
 friend whom one has not seen for some time, to ask for each 
 member of his family separately ; some one may have died or 
 gone crazy in the interim. But one can always say " How 
 are all your family ] " because it is a safe, noncommittal sort 
 of inquiry, and still it covers the ground. 
 
 In the words " waistcoat " and " trousers " we find the 
 world polite eschewing once more the French and Latin 
 equivalent expressions. " Pants " and " vest " are not used 
 by people who are careful in their speech, though they sanc- 
 tion the rather outlandish word " knickerbockers," as applied 
 to short " trousers " for little boys. 
 
 While it seems unnecessary to speak of slang as if those 
 who used it were monsters of iniquity, and guilty of the 
 seven deadly sins, still its habitual use is much to be depre- 
 cated both as inelegant and unmeaning. People use a slang 
 expression to save themselves the trouble of defining precisely 
 what they mean; hence they become inexact and slovenly 
 in thought and speech. " Awfully jolly," for instance, when 
 applied to everything, from a new style of bonnet to a surly 
 far-from-j oily-looking bull-terrier, ceases to have any meaning 
 at all, beyond the vague general commendation that it implies. 
 Another great objection to slang is, that it often has a second- 
 ary meaning, and people innocently use expressions of this 
 sort which they have picked up, without being at all aware 
 of the double-entendre implied in what they say.
 
 CHAPTER XXTI. 
 
 GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 
 
 THERE are no more crucial tests of good breeding than a 
 man's carriage, his way of moving, and the gestures which 
 he makes. The heroine in Julian Hawthorne's " Bressant " 
 says of a gentleman : " He was dressed like one ; not band- 
 boxy, but nicely and easily, and he stands and moves well." 
 You can tell a race-horse by his gait, and a gentleman by his 
 walk. Virgil uttered this same sentiment nearly two thou- 
 sand years ago, when he said of Juno, Incedo regina, "I 
 walk (or move) a queen." 
 
 After the lapse of all this time we have not found a better 
 phrase to express true queenly dignity. King Lear's " Ay, 
 every inch a king " voices much the same thought ; namely, 
 that majesty and high breeding are not shown by the face 
 alone, but by the carriage and attitude of the whole body. 
 It is said that Queen Victoria's bearing is very majestic and 
 imposing, despite her short stout figure. 
 
 From this it would appear that a commanding stature or 
 even a commanding figure is not essential to a dignified and 
 high-bred carriage. What then are the necessary elements 
 that go to its composition ? Are they not first, a proper 
 self-respect, second, the habit of good society, and third, a 
 perfect command over all the muscles 1 
 
 The second element is not always at command ; but the 
 first and third self-respect and a perfect control of one's 
 muscles ought to be within reach of most people.
 
 208 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 It has been said that it is very difficult to stand erect in 
 the presence of a great man ; in other words, people are too 
 much inclined to truckle to those who hold power of one 
 sort or another, and in the effort to do homage to the great, 
 men barter their self-respect, and with it the upright bearing 
 of the body which ought to accompany an upright mind. 
 
 The awkwardness of movement and carriage that is simply 
 physical and muscular can be removed wholly or in part by 
 physical exercise ; those exercises are certainly best which use 
 all the muscles and develop them symmetrically. Dancing, 
 fencing, riding on horseback, skating, playing tennis, calis- 
 thenics, all are excellent for this purpose. Rowing or using 
 rowing-weights develops the muscles of the upper part of the 
 body and so tends to make a man top-heavy, unless he supple- 
 ments it with running or some other exercise which calls into 
 play the muscles of the lower limbs. Dio Lewis's system 
 of calisthenics, which is a modification, I believe, of a German 
 system, is very good for the purpose of which we are speak- 
 ing ; and as the calisthenics are not violent, they are well 
 adapted for girls and women. 
 
 Hiding on horseback is said to be one of the most perfect 
 forms of exercise, calling into use all the muscles of the body. 
 And yet Punch that excellent authority on manners and 
 morals speaks of a dismounted dragoon as bearing a strong 
 resemblance to a swan on a turnpike road ! Which only 
 proves that if one takes all his exercise on a horse's back, 
 one may forget how to walk well. 
 
 The sort of awkwardness that torments many people in the 
 society of others arises from an unhappy self-consciousness 
 which cramps the body as well as the mind. They take too 
 much thought as to how they are looking and how they are 
 moving ; hence all the ease of nature is lost, and they have 
 no adequate art with which to replace it. Emerson says : 
 " Nature is the best posture-master. An c'uvkward man is
 
 GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 209 
 
 graceful when asleep, or when hard at work or agreeably 
 amused. The attitudes of children are gentle, persuasive, 
 royal, in their games and in their house-talk and in the street, 
 before they have learned to cringe." 
 
 If you can get one of these awkward, ungainly youths, to 
 whom society means utter constraint and misery, to forget 
 himself, and to think and talk about something that interests 
 him, you will find that he ceases to be all arms and legs, 
 elbows and knees, and becomes a reasonable, properly articu- 
 lated human being. Talk to him about his base-ball nine, 
 or his studies, or some subject for which he has an enthusiasm, 
 and if you can but succeed in drawing him out and in 
 making him think you too care for his hobby presto ! 
 what a change will take place ! Instead of the ugly duckling 
 you have a cygnet. 
 
 I think this power of transformation, which belongs to the 
 accomplished society woman, one of her most delightful and 
 enviable possessions. What can be pleasanter than to be a 
 Circe of this kind 1 To be able to bring life and animation 
 into the trembling heart of the shy, to drive away the 
 nightmare of mauvaise honte, and to change an awkward 
 hobble-de-hoy into an Adonis, is a most desirable faculty. 
 For a young unmarried woman it may be a dangerous one. 
 If she is too sympathetic, she may make a deeper impression 
 than she intends, and one that the unhappy youth may retain 
 in his heart for many a day. 
 
 It is a bold saying of Emerson, that it is the want of 
 thought that makes people awkward. " Give me a thought, 
 and my hands and legs and voice and face will all go right. 
 And we are awkward for want of thought. The inspiration 
 is scanty, and does not arrive at the extremities." This 
 seems at first a startling hypothesis, and one calculated to 
 makes the famous Lord Chesterfield shiver in his genteel 
 grave. But the more one looks at it the more rational does 
 
 14
 
 210 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 it appear. As the seer O A Concord goes on to demonstrate, 
 men of thought sometimes appear awkward in society be- 
 cause they are out of their usual element, and the conversation 
 probably turns on subjects unfamiliar and uninteresting to 
 them. If the company consists, however, of men and women 
 who are intellectual as well as elegant, behold, your timid 
 sage becomes an inspired lawgiver, and his gestures adapt 
 themselves to his new and natural mood. 
 
 If another argument were necessary to prove this saying, 
 would it not be found in the noble attitudes, commanding 
 and graceful, with which sculptors and painters in all times 
 have clothed their inspired figures, their men and women 
 who are filled with high thought and purpose 1 Do not we 
 ourselves, in our minds, always invest high thinkers with a 
 noble bearing ? 
 
 What people were ever such thinkers as the ancient Greeks, 
 and yet what people were ever so graceful in all their motions < 
 The well-known case of Demosthenes shows that they would 
 tolerate no inelegance of voice or gesture ; while the perfection 
 of their statues still gives the civilized world its highest ideal 
 of the poise and attitude of the human form divine. 
 
 Let the shy man, therefore, endeavor to have thoughts that 
 are worth something, and above all things let him keep his 
 thoughts, if possible, from dwelling on himself. Let him 
 remember that people are not thinking about him nearly as 
 much as he supposes, they are all too busy thinking about 
 themselves. Let him especially avoid nervous awkward 
 tricks playing with his cane or his hat or his watch-guard. 
 If he can once learn to sit perfectly still, he has done a great 
 thing, although he must beware of a repose that is too stiff, 
 and he must not look as if he had been frozen into one 
 special attitude. We Americans are too nervous and too 
 energetic to care to sit entirely quiet for more than a very 
 short time ; and yet the ability to do so in company and
 
 GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 211 
 
 malice prepense shows one has reached the high-water mark 
 of good breeding. 
 
 To move well, to be graceful and easy in manner while speak- 
 ing, either of these is far easier than to sit perfectly still and 
 yet to be free from all awkwardness. The grace of repose is far 
 harder of attainment than the grace of motion. Talleyrand 
 said of a great statesman, "He is imposing in his own repose." 
 Lord Bacon said, " Men's behavior should be like their apparel, 
 not too straight or point device, but free for exercise or motion." 
 
 Goethe, in his " Wilhelm Meister," thus admirably defines 
 the carriage of a person of good breeding : 
 
 "A well-bred carriage is difficult to imitate, for in strictness 
 it is negative; and it implies a long-continued previous train- 
 ing. You are not required to exhibit in your manner anything 
 that specially betokens dignity; for by this means you are like 
 to run into formality and haughtiness ; you are rather to avoid 
 whatever is undignified and vulgar. You are never to forget 
 yourself; are to keep a constant watch upon yourself and 
 others ; to forgive nothing that is faulty in your own conduct, 
 in that of others neither to forgive too little nor too much. 
 Nothing must appear to touch you, nothing to agitate ; you 
 must never overhaste yourself, must ever keep yourself com- 
 posed, retaining still an outward calmness whatever storms 
 may rage within. The noble character at certain moments 
 may resign himself to his emotions; the well-bred never. 
 The latter is like a man dressed out in fair and spotless 
 clothes ; he will not lean on anything ; every person will be- 
 ware of rubbing on him. He distinguishes himself from 
 others, yet he may not stand apart ; for as in all arts, so in 
 this, the hardest must at length be done with ease ; the well- 
 bred man of rank, in spite of every separation, always seems 
 united with the people round him ; he is never to be stiff or 
 uncomplying ; he is always to appear the first, and never to 
 insist on so appearing.
 
 212 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 " It is clear, then, that to seem well-bred a man must actu- 
 ally be so. It is also clear why women generally are more 
 expert at taking up the air of breeding than the other sex ; 
 why courtiers and soldiers catch it more easily than other 
 men." 
 
 These remarks Goethe puts into the mouth of one actor 
 who is advising another as to how best to play the courtier. 
 
 In our own day we see some very good counterfeit pre- 
 sentments of gentlemen on the stage, made by actors who 
 in many instances have had few advantages of early train- 
 ing. And is it not by thought and study that they succeed 
 in these representations'? Nevertheless, the imitation is 
 not quite perfect. I know a middle-aged gentleman in New 
 York an aristocrat by birth and breeding who dislikes 
 very much going to the theatre to see " society plays," be- 
 cause, he says, the actors and actresses so travesty the parts of 
 ladies and gentlemen ! This critic is a person of little imagi- 
 nation, as one might guess. It is said that Lester Wallack 
 wanted his actors to attend a performance given by amateurs 
 at the Union League Theatre, that they might get some 
 hints for their own carriage and demeanor upon the stage. 
 
 Affectations of carriage should be very carefully avoided by 
 those who wish to attain elegance of poise and motion. True, 
 they are sometimes used by well-bred people, but it is a 
 dangerous matter to try to counterfeit them. Like flourishes 
 in handwriting, they are always doubtful ornaments, and in- 
 tolerable unless supremely well done. The Grecian bend and 
 Alexandra limp seem very absurd as we look back upon them, 
 but there are affectations in vogue at the present day that are 
 quite as ridiculous. One of these is the custom for men 
 of carrying the elbows raised and slightly projected. No doubt 
 this curious fashion arises from the worship of the groom 
 and the stable, now so prevalent among young men of 
 fashion. It reminds one of the " elbows square, wrist
 
 GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 213 
 
 pliant," of the stage-driving hero of " The Road to Ruin." 
 But besides that it is horsey, it is truculent as well, and 
 imparts a sort of defiant, arms-akimbo, fishwife expression, 
 that often contrasts widely and curiously with the mild 
 look on the countenance of the gentle dude who adopts 
 it. " Suit the action to the word, the word to the action," 
 said Hamlet in his famous directions to the players ; and 
 the meaning, the language of gesture is a thing we do 
 not study half enough. The famous Frenchman Delsartes, 
 who, from a ragged street-boy, grew to be a great singer and 
 actor, crowned his life-work by a long and arduous study oi 
 gesture, of the language of the body. He studied in the 
 streets, the hospitals, the theatres, and even the battlefields, 
 and founded a system which has now many followers among 
 actors, artists, and others. Whatever one may think of the 
 Delsartian exercises, and they are said to impart flexibility 
 and grace, a symmetrical development to the body, the sub- 
 ject is one that is full of interest. One would hardly wish to 
 make a study of every motion ; but it is both agreeable and 
 useful to learn what construction such a careful thinker as 
 Delsartes has put upon different gestures ; nay more, to 
 learn what were the results of his long and laborious obser- 
 vation. 
 
 The bow of many fashionable youths is strongly objected 
 to by Delsartians, and with good reason. A short, sharp 
 bending at the hips, with no movement of the feet or knees, 
 the elbows curved outward, the chin poked forward, what 
 grace is there in a bow of this sort, or what respect does it 
 show ? It is a mere mockery of a bow, and full of self-asser- 
 tion. The bow should be made first by inclining the head ; 
 if you wish to show more respect (and certainly a movement 
 of the head alone can be but a nod, quick or slow), the in- 
 clination must extend to the shoulders, to the waist, even to 
 the whole body where you wish to show deep respect. But
 
 214 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 to square back the shoulders like a prize-fighter, and suddenly 
 double yourself up as if you had received a blow in the 
 stomach, or as if you were made of two pieces of wood 
 hinged in the centre, surely this ought to be an abomina- 
 tion to gods and men ! 
 
 No woman could be guilty of doing a thing in such 
 shockingly bad taste ; her intuitions would warn her against 
 it. It is only the reflecting male animal that makes such 
 gross mistakes of " deportment." Howells, in his " Indian 
 Summer," thus describes the modern bow: " The officer whom 
 Imogene had danced with brought her to Mrs. Bowen and 
 resigned her with the regulation bow, hanging his head down 
 before him as if submitting his neck to the axe." 
 
 To make a reverence ! How little that old expression has 
 in common with our modern bow ! True, it denoted a feudal 
 condition of things that would ill suit our times. We do not 
 " bow down " to idols in the shape of people of high rank, 
 as the world used to do ; at least, we say we don't. 
 
 According to the observations of Delsartes, the greater the 
 emotion, the more will it extend over the muscles, until at 
 last supreme emotion affects the whole body. Hence the 
 artist who painted a picture of despairing Hagar with square 
 shoulders, painted an artistic anomaly. In moments of 
 despair the whole body droops. 
 
 There is a way of moving the body from side to side in 
 walking, which some women use who ought to know better. 
 It is rather pretty, even though it savors of affectation, in 
 a brisk French nurse-maid ; but in the walk of a lady it 
 is wholly out of place. Sometimes this swinging motion is 
 made very slightly and very slowly. In this case it is less 
 objectionable only because there is less of it. Another ugly 
 trick is that of allowing the whole body to rise and fall with 
 every step, so that a man seems to be walking with his 
 shoulders quite as much as with his legs. This slouching
 
 GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 215 
 
 or jerky gait is to be seen in some children, and should cer- 
 tainly be corrected while their muscles are still young and 
 easy to bring under control. 
 
 Indeed, most people need to be trained to walk well just 
 as much as they do to ride, drive, or dance well. A mincing 
 gait is extremely disagreeable in a man, and will always make 
 him appear effeminate. In the same way women should 
 avoid a long striding walk, which makes them look ungrace- 
 ful and masculine. Very high-heeled shoes, especially where 
 the heel is placed very far forward on the sole, give the wearer 
 a tottering ugly gait that reminds the beholder of the Chinese 
 women, and their absurdly small feet. These shoes are also 
 said to be extremely injurious to health, because they throw 
 the body into an unnatural position. 
 
 A satirical writer thus commented on the fashionable gait 
 of the young men of his day : " In receiving the attentions of 
 a male acquaintance, remember to proportion your civility 
 to the depth of his neckcloth, the cleanness of his top-boots, 
 or the number of his seals. Take especial care likewise that 
 his toes are significantly turned inward in walking, as it is 
 meant to betray great skill in riding. ' 
 
 The comments of the Baron de Mortemart Boisse, on the 
 postures assumed by Americans thirty years ago, are both 
 shrewd and naive : "A French dandy desiring to see the 
 beauties of New York, arrives and walks up Broadway 
 on a bright Sunday morning, looking at the windows of that 
 thoroughfare of which he has heard so much said. He sees 
 nothing but the boot-heels of the citizens of Broadway ; prov- 
 ing that the fashion in this country is to occupy the windows 
 with the feet and not with the head. These gentlemen 
 smoke their cigars and sit with their legs in the air and 
 their feet on the window-sash." 
 
 Tennis and other athletic exercises, now so much in favor 
 with young girls, no doubt assist greatly in producing a good
 
 216 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 muscular development, although tennis is such violent exer- 
 cise that one cannot recommend women to make use of it, 
 except with a good deal of caution. It is said that the 
 habit of carrying burdens on the head produces the finest 
 carriage of the body, and gives also great freedom and elas- 
 ticity of movement. Certainly the free graceful walk of the 
 Italian peasant girls contrasts very favorably with the con- 
 strained gait of many American women tottering uncertainly 
 on their high heels.
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 WHEN shall we introduce our friends and acquaintances to 
 one another, and when shall we refrain from doing so ] This 
 is a difficult question to answer, especially at the present 
 moment, when the social world in our own country is divided 
 against itself with regard to this important subject. It may 
 be said that we are in a transition stage between the old 
 theory of general and frequent introductions and the new 
 one of non-introduction. 
 
 Old-fashioned people, and people who are of a cordial dis- 
 position, and dislike excessive formality and ceremony, favor 
 the old-school doctrine; while those who hold more rigid 
 views on the subject of making new acquaintances incline 
 strongly toward the new theories. 
 
 The tendency of the present time is certainly toward lessen- 
 ing the frequency of introductions, a tendency which many 
 people lament as lessening the cordiality and good-fellowship 
 of social gatherings. The modern doctrine is that no formal 
 introduction is necessary for those who meet under a friend's 
 roof ; that it is entirely proper for people to speak to one 
 another under such circumstances, thus avoiding the stiffness 
 of sitting silent, and also avoiding the serious drawback of 
 making any undesirable acquaintances. 
 
 All this sounds very fair : and then it is English, and that 
 is sufficient recommendation to many people. But in reality
 
 218 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 it is a far from democratic doctrine, and has its origin, not 
 only in a desire to imitate British customs, but in a feeling 
 of exclusiveness that is rapidly increasing among a certain 
 class of people in our country. This class "views with 
 alarm " the great and growing army of nouveaux riches who 
 are springing up all around us. To the question, " Why have 
 not these new people as good a right in society so-called as 
 you have 1 " they have no adequate answer to give, save that 
 the " ins " always want to keep out the " outs." So they are 
 very glad to avail themselves of the polite fiction that it is 
 just as pleasant to talk to some one whose name you don't 
 know, and who does n't know yours, and whom you will 
 meet to-morrow as a perfect stranger, as it is to converse with 
 a person to whom you have "been duly presented, and with 
 whom you may, if agreeable to both parties, form a pleasant 
 acquaintanceship or perhaps a lasting friendship ! 
 
 Just here some one will say, " The writer is full of old- 
 fashioned prejudice; " and, however little we may like the 
 new plan, certainly none of us would wish to force our 
 acquaintance on those who did not desire it. 
 
 An American who was travelling in England with his wife 
 received an unpleasant but amusing lesson on the subject of 
 which we are speaking. Happening to find themselves in 
 the same railway carriage with an English gentleman and his 
 wife, our American couple gradually fell into conversation 
 with the Britons, whom they found to be agreeable and 
 polite people. Both parties chanced to leave the train at the 
 same station, the English couple getting into a coronetted 
 carriage which was waiting for them, and the others content- 
 ing themselves with a plebeian cab. The American, a man 
 remarkable for his good- breeding and politeness, thought it 
 only civil to bow a farewell to the lady with whom he had 
 been conversing but a moment before. To his astonishment 
 and indignation the lady responded with a well-bred but
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 219 
 
 stony stare ! She no doubt regarded the salute as an over- 
 ture on the part of the American toward making her 
 acquaintance ; whereas he, in the simplicity of his republican 
 good manners, merely intended to bid her a courteous and 
 eternal farewell ! 
 
 But let us here take up the subject of introductions in 
 greater detail. According to the new fashion, if two or three 
 or more visitors are all calling upon a lady at the same time, 
 she does not introduce them to one another, but endeavors to 
 divide her time and attention equally among them, and ex- 
 pects that they will assist her by talking together. It goes 
 without saying that many people do not pay any attention 
 to this rule, but adhere to the more cordial and older cus- 
 tom of introducing the different visitors to one another, 
 where their number is not too large. Of course where a 
 great many callers are present at the same time, at an after- 
 noon tea, for instance, or on a lady's regular reception-day, 
 the hostess would not then introduce all her visitors to one 
 another, because this would be awkward, as are all general 
 introductions. 
 
 At afternoon teas, kettledrums, etc., many hostesses do not 
 introduce at all, especially if no gentlemen are present ; where 
 there are, more introductions take place, since it is a less 
 formal and less solemn matter to present a gentleman to a 
 lady than to present two ladies to each other. 
 
 At houses where the hostess is more anxious that her 
 guests should have a good time than she is to preserve great 
 state and ceremony, she will make some introductions both on 
 afternoon and evening occasions. Of course she will exercise 
 this prerogative with tact and caution, taking care not to make 
 people acquainted where one or both parties might object to 
 the introduction, or where they would be mutually unsym- 
 pathetic, and would have no interests in common. She will 
 be especially careful about introducing two ladies who live in
 
 220 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 the same city ; since there may be some special reason which 
 prevents their forming each other's acquaintance, and also 
 because such an acquaintance between dwellers in the same 
 city would not be a mere temporary affair, as it might be in 
 the case of people who lived at a great distance from one 
 another. 
 
 With strangers, a hostess will feel much more at liberty to 
 do as she pleases. The ancient traditions of hospitality to- 
 wards them are not yet forgotten ; and these dictate that not 
 only the lady of the house, but her friends also, shall wel- 
 come the stranger that is within her gates. Neither need she 
 stand so much on ceremony with young girls and men as 
 with married ladies and older gentlemen, although, to tell 
 the truth, it is in young men that she will be most apt to 
 meet with a want of breeding and courtesy, especially if she 
 wishes to introduce them to dancing partners. But where 
 a man is a dancing man and nothing more, where his sole 
 capital lies in his neels, perhaps he has a right to economize 
 the use of them. 
 
 However, it is clearly the duty of a hostess, at a ball or 
 dancing-party, to endeavor to provide her guests with part- 
 ners, and for that purpose she must either make introductions 
 herself or through the help of others. She must always ask 
 permission before presenting a gentleman to a lady, permis- 
 sion which should never be refused unless the lady has very 
 good and strong reasons for declining to make the gentle- 
 man's acquaintance. Young men often present each other to 
 young ladies, and it is entirely proper that they should do so 
 if they have first asked leave. A gentleman may also ask a 
 lady, if he know her well, to introduce him to another lady 
 when a proper opportunity shall occur. Of course he could 
 neither wish nor expect his friend to cross a crowded room 
 with him to make the introduction ; because she would 
 then be left to make a bad third, or else to retrace her way
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 221 
 
 alone. The situation would be awkward, except for one of 
 the ladies of the house. 
 
 Gentlemen do not ask for introductions to one another, be- 
 cause they do not generally wish to become acquainted, or if 
 one wishes to do so he very properly hesitates to force him- 
 self on the attention of another person, who may be unwilling 
 to know him. Ladies do not, under ordinary circumstances, 
 ask for introductions to one another, for reasons which will 
 be very readily understood from what has gone before. If 
 one lady does ask, however, the person to whom she applies 
 should find out before making the introduction whether it 
 will be agreeable to the other lady. 
 
 An exception to this rule, both for ladies and gentlemen, 
 is found in the case where they are invited especially to meet 
 some person. One not only has a right to ask to be presented 
 to the guest of the evening, but not to do so would often 
 show a lack of courtesy. At a very large gathering, or where 
 the honored guest is a person of distinction, one should not 
 be too forward about pressing one's claims, especially if the 
 guest be already talking with people of more importance, or 
 with those who might be more agreeable to him. Modesty 
 is usually a safe virtue to cultivate. 
 
 Another exception to the rule is found in cases where it is 
 evident, from the circumstances, that the hostess has omitted 
 the introduction, either from forgetfulness, or because she 
 supposes that the ladies already know each other. In this 
 case a lady might ask the hostess to make the introduction. 
 
 If a gentleman meets in the street two ladies, one of 
 whom he knows, and if he joins them, he should be pre- 
 sented to the lady whom he does not know, in order to 
 avoid awkwardness. But if he merely stopped a moment to 
 speak to a lady, she would not then introduce him to her 
 friend, unless she especially wished to do so, and had reason 
 to suppose that the introduction would be agreeable to both
 
 222 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 parties. In all casual meetings in the street, in travelling, at 
 the theatre, etc., meetings, in short, on neutral ground, 
 and where there is no hostess, the rule should be not to 
 make undue haste to introduce people, but to do so when- 
 ever it is necessary to avoid awkwardness, or to avoid the 
 appearance of neglect or rudeness to the friend in whose 
 company one was at first. 
 
 Street introductions are much like what lawyers call street 
 opinions ; that is, they are easily given and do not amount 
 to much. A lawyer does not expect to be bound by a 
 " street opinion ; " nor need any one who does not wish to, be 
 bound by a casual introduction of this sort given as a matter 
 of form, and where no real acquaintanceship has been made 
 between the parties. As a lady, however, has the privilege 
 of bowing or not bowing to a gentleman so introduced to her, 
 he should, when he next meets her, give her an opportunity 
 of recognizing him in case she may wish to do so. 
 
 The form of double presentation, as "Mrs. A. Mrs. B., 
 Mrs. B. Mrs. A.," has now gone out of fashion, which is a 
 pity on one account ; and that is, because it gave the intro- 
 ducer neutral ground to stand upon, and neither party could 
 complain because the other one's name had been spoken first. 
 Where Mrs. B. is of about the same age as Mrs. A., it would 
 be proper to avoid this difficulty as far as possible by saying, 
 " Mrs. A., this is Mrs. B.," and at the same time pronouncing 
 the two names with equal emphasis. Single ladies should be 
 presented to married ones, and younger ladies to older ones. 
 The formula, " Mrs. A., allow me to present Mrs. B.," is used 
 in formal presentations only ; but the name of the older or 
 more important person should be spoken first. 
 
 A well-known society belle and a very charming woman 
 was asked recently what her views were on the subject of 
 introductions. " I never make them when I can avoid doing 
 so/' she replied. " What would be the use 1 People do not
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 223 
 
 thank you for extending their circle of acquaintance ; of course 
 in the case of strangers it is a different matter. I should 
 introduce a stranger to any one whom I thought it would be 
 agreeable for him to know ; and I should do it with as little 
 formality as possible. For instance, I should perhaps say, 
 ' Mr. Thompson, you know Mr. Great West, do you not ? ' 
 or, ' Mr. Thompson, I want you to know Mr. Great West.' 
 I should not take one up to the other if I could avoid 
 doing so. If one gentleman joined me in the street while 
 I was walking with another, I should certainly not introduce 
 the former to the latter ; because he would have no business 
 to join me unless he knew the gentleman with whom I was 
 walking ; and I would not allow myself to be made a pre- 
 text by one man who sought the acquaintance of another." 
 In this little speech we have the key-note of the modern 
 theory, the avoidance of all formal presentations wherever 
 it is possible to avoid them. 
 
 When one lady has asked for an introduction to another, 
 of course it is proper to present the lady who has made the 
 request, to the lady whom she has expressed a desire to 
 know, if the latter consents to the introduction. Although 
 we have neither rank nor titles in this country, still we 
 accord the " pas " to men and women whose genius has won 
 them distinction, military, political, literary or artistic ; and 
 to such people those of lesser mark should be presented, 
 as a rule, always remembering that a lady must never be 
 presented to a gentleman, no matter how distinguished he 
 may be, the gentleman should always be presented to the 
 lady. 
 
 Many years ago, when Paul Morphy the chess-playez was at 
 the height of his fame, an entertainment was given for him 
 in Boston. The host, with more zeal than discretion, asked 
 a lady who was well known in Boston society if she would 
 not like to be presented to tho lion of the evening. " I should
 
 224 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 be very happy," she replied, " to have Mr. Paul Morphy 
 presented to me, but I do not wish to be presented to him" 
 The distinction thus made was entirely correct, although it is 
 one which Americans sometimes forget in the national pas- 
 sion for lion-hunting. In presenting a gentleman to a lady 
 one may say, " Miss A., allow me to present [or to introduce] 
 Mr. B. ; " although, to tell the truth, little is usually heard 
 of the ceremony of introduction beyond the names. Even 
 these are sometimes ruthlessly massacred, or lost amid the 
 surrounding noise and confusion. One should always try to 
 pronounce names very distinctly in introducing people ; and 
 where one or both persons are well known on any account, 
 it is perhaps well to point this out in some way, by giving 
 the person's full name and title, for instance, as, " Miss Jones, 
 allow me to present Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes to you ; " or, 
 " Miss Jones, this is Dr. Murfree, the inventor of " etc. 
 
 Some celebrities who are of a modest turn of mind object 
 decidedly, however, to hearing their deeds or qualities re- 
 hearsed; how much more do the brothers, sisters, wives, and 
 daughters of distinguished people object to being placarded 
 with such a title as, " Sister of the Member from Missouri," 
 for instance. There is nothing more exasperating than to go 
 through life as the brother of a great man ; it condemns 
 a man forever to a secondary place, and he feels, perhaps 
 keenly, that whatever lie can do to make an honorable name 
 for himself, that name will always seem as nothing in the 
 shadow of the greater one which eclipses it. How un- 
 pleasant it must be for the Marquis of Lome to be known 
 always as the brother-in-law of the Prince of Wales or the 
 son-in-law of Queen Victoria, instead of as the heir to one 
 of the oldest and most honorable titles of the British em- 
 pire, that of Duke of Argyle ! With the son or daughter 
 of a distinguished man the case is not as bad ; but still it is 
 not quite pleasant for either of them to have a person give a
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. 225 
 
 look that plainly says, " Well, I should have liked to see your 
 father, but that does not make me glad to see you ! " 
 
 Should one shake hands with a person when introduced 
 to him ? It is our ordinary custom to do so in America, and 
 the custom is a pleasant and cordial one. Gentlemen always 
 shake hands when they are introduced to one another ; ladies 
 do so as a rule when they are introduced to other ladies ; 
 when gentlemen are presented to them, many ladies offer 
 their hands, especially if they are married, or no longer very 
 young. Young ladies often merely make a bow or a courtesy, 
 particularly if they know that they do so gracefully. Much 
 depends, of course, on the time and place where the introduc- 
 tion is made. 
 
 In the ball-room the latest and most elegant fashion is 
 simply for the lady to courtesy and the gentleman to bow ; 
 on less ceremonious occasions a lady would usually shake 
 hands. Where informal introductions are made, or intro- 
 ductions merely to prevent awkwardness, as in the case 
 of several callers meeting in a parlor, or in other chance 
 rencontres, no hand-shaking is necessary. Again, much will 
 depend upon whether the people who are made acquainted 
 with each other through an introduction are entire strangers, 
 or whether they already know something of one another by 
 report. Thus a lady would shake hands with a gentleman 
 who was a friend of her husband or brother, or of an intimate 
 friend of her own. 
 
 It is the lady's privilege to offer her hand first, as it is to 
 bow first ; but as in these matters, just as in duels, everything 
 happens quickly if not simultaneously, a lady should accept 
 a gentleman's hand if he offers it, to avoid awkwardness. 
 
 In her own house a lady should, in her capacity of hostess, 
 shake hands with those who are introduced to her as well as 
 with all her other guests, except in case of a large ball or 
 ceremonious reception, where, as has been said elsewhere, 
 
 15
 
 226 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 she may merely receive them with a courtesy if she prefers 
 to do so. The custom of making general introductions 
 of introducing a new-comer to a whole roomful of people 
 has quite gone out of fashion, lingering only in quiet 
 country places. It is not to be regretted, since it sub- 
 jected a stranger to a most trying ordeal, in which he almost 
 invariably made a bow to the wrong person. It is now 
 usual, at a lunch or dinner, to present a stranger shortly 
 after his arrival to one or two persons, and afterward to 
 others, as circumstances permit.
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 
 
 IN this age of universal travelling, letters of introduction 
 fly about as freely as commercial paper, and sometimes with 
 equally disastrous results. If one is going to England, the 
 Continent, or even to our own Pacific Coast, it is as necessary 
 to have these documents, in order to see anything of social 
 life, as it is to have a letter of credit to pay one's hotel bills. 
 Hence people importune their friends to give them letters, 
 and the friends, in a moment of weakness or carelessness, 
 write letters of introduction when they have really no right 
 to do so. 
 
 There are two points which should be very carefully con- 
 sidered before giving letters, and these are lirst, has one a 
 right to do so ; and second, will the introduction be agreeable 
 to both parties 1 To relatives, intimate friends, those whom 
 one has received and entertained in one's own house or 
 country, and to those who expressly give one leave to do so, 
 one may certainly send letters introducing other friends. 
 But because people have been polite and kind to us, be- 
 cause they have received and entertained us, this gives us 
 no right whatever to call for further favors from them. This 
 ought to be as clear as day, one would think ; and yet our 
 countrymen, misled probably by the cordiality of their Eng- 
 lish hosts, sometimes err in this respect. 
 
 Thus a distinguished American, Mr. , once met on his 
 
 own doorsteps the Englishman to whom he (Mr. ) was
 
 228 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 bringing a letter of introduction. The latter read it, and 
 with true British rudeness tore it up before the face of the 
 bearer, saying, " This person has no right to send letters to 
 me ! " He added, however, with true British hospitality, that 
 he was exceedingly glad to make the distinguished man's 
 acquaintance for his own sake, and treated him with just as 
 much courtesy and consideration after that first dreadful 
 act as if he had brought the most powerful letters of 
 recommendation. Tt is when one meets with such little 
 contretemps as this, that one realizes the value of knowing 
 and obeying the laws of etiquette. The silken strands of 
 their network are usually invisible, and are so loosely drawn 
 that we feel no pressure from them ; but when they do come 
 to light, when they do become strained, we find they can cut 
 and gall very deeply. 
 
 Even where one has a right, however, to give letters of 
 introduction, one should use it very carefully, remembering 
 that their acceptance entails a hospitality that may be burden- 
 some to one's friend, and also that two people will not neces- 
 sarily be congenial to each other because they both happen 
 to be friends of a third person. 
 
 The most approved way to deliver a letter of introduction 
 is to leave it with one's card, not asking, however, to see the 
 person to whom it is addressed. This rule is not always 
 clearly understood in the United States. Two English 
 ladies who were staying in New York once came in their 
 carriage to leave a letter of introduction with their cards, 
 according to strict etiquette. The New York ladies to whom 
 the letter was addressed, responded very properly by calling 
 on the British dames and inviting them to lunch. What was 
 the horror of the latter, however, when their new acquaint- 
 ances, meaning to be particularly polite, said that they were 
 so very sorry not to have seen the English ladies when they 
 called ! Of course the English ladies had not intended mak-
 
 LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 229 
 
 ing any call beyond the formal card-leaving. On the Conti- 
 nent, where it is the custom for new-comers to call upon the 
 residents of a place first, this rule need not be observed. 
 
 The reason of the rule is very obvious. To deliver a letter 
 of introduction in person, and wait below while it is read, 
 like a tradesman with a bill or a servant with a recommenda- 
 tion, certainly does not put one in a very dignified position. 
 It also in a measure compels the recipient of the letter to 
 see you whether he wishes to do so or not. Where you wish 
 to see him on business, or when time presses, it is proper to 
 wait and see whether he will be able to receive you. 
 
 If a gentleman brings a letter of introduction to a lady, 
 he may also, if he pleases, send up his card and ask whether 
 it will be convenient for her to receive him. She will feel 
 less constrained to do so than she would in the case of a 
 feminine visitor; besides, there would here be no question 
 of which should call first, as there would be between two 
 ladies. 
 
 When one calls in acknowledgment of cards left with a 
 letter of introduction, it is necessary to go in if the lady or 
 gentleman, as the case may be, is at home. Nor are all 
 the duties of politeness incumbent on the person alone to 
 whom the letter is addressed. The person introduced should 
 also take great pains to receive " letter-visitors," when they 
 call upon him, with cordiality and politeness, instead of 
 imitating the conduct of one distinguished Euglishman in 
 this country, who took out of his pocket a list of people 
 to whom he had brought letters of introduction and ran 
 it over in the presence of his visitor, saying, " Smith, Smith, 
 Smith, let me see where that name is on my list ! " 
 
 While it is extremely desirable to be furnished with a 
 number of letters of introduction when one is about to go 
 to Europe, it is nevertheless highly indelicate to ask mere 
 acquaintances for these social passports. Not only would
 
 230 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 this be asking a favor where one had no right to do so, but 
 it would also be putting the acquaintance in an awkward 
 dilemma. If he were good-natured he would not wish to 
 disoblige the person who had made the request; neither 
 would he wish to introduce to his friends some one about 
 whom he knew very little, and who might be extremely 
 uncongenial to them. It is rash to give letters unless to 
 people whom one knows well, or at least knows all about ; 
 and it is especially rash to give letters to foreigners, unless 
 they can " read their title clear " beyond any doubt or 
 peradventure. 
 
 Letters of introduction should always be left unsealed, 
 as a token that the bearer is at liberty to read them. Hence, 
 they should be brief, giving the full name and residence of the 
 person introduced, but avoiding a multitude of compliment- 
 ary phrases. A modest man will dislike to deliver a letter 
 containing a high-sounding panegyric on himself. 
 
 It is usually sufficient to say that Mr. C. T. Brooks of 
 Sheffield is a friend of the writer, that any attention which 
 it may be convenient to show him will be a personal favor, 
 and that one has no doubt the acquaintance thus begun 
 will be mutually agreeable to both parties. On receiving 
 such a letter one should call in a day, and the person in- 
 troduced should return the call quite promptly, say in 
 a week. It is also necessary to show a new acquaintance 
 whatever attentions are in one's power, to invite him to 
 dinner, enter his name at one's club, or at least take him to 
 the theatre, or show him about the city or place in which 
 one lives.
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 
 
 As the steel pen drove out its gentle brother the quill, 
 so it in turn is being driven out by the telegraph wire, the 
 type-writer, and the thousand other novel agencies which 
 are constantly springing up in our midst as if by magic. 
 People do not have time in this busy age to write letters, 
 in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The telegraph wire 
 is such a convenient medium for letting one's friends know 
 of one's well-being, that people of means do not hesitate to 
 use it daily, instead of writing to their families ; while for 
 business communications, the type-writer saves the busy man 
 from the drudgery of handling the pen. Probably the most 
 luxurious method is that of employing a stenographer to take 
 down the golden utterances of a merchant prince, whose 
 words, however worthless to posterity, have a momentous 
 market value altogether beyond the conception of a mere 
 outsider. As these great men speak, stocks nay, the fate 
 of nations rise and fall. 
 
 Steam is too slow a medium for conveying our thoughts 
 in these days. We feel about it much as Charles La:nb did 
 in regard to writing letters to his friend in Australia, letters 
 which would be many months old ere they could reach their 
 destination. With playful wit he shows the folly of send- 
 ing such communications, of exporting such stale news ; and 
 the modern world finds six days to be as long and tedious as 
 he found six months !
 
 232 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Still, though we are too impatient either to write or read 
 the long and courtly letters of our grandparents' days, we do 
 write a great many notes of one sort and another, and in some 
 respects we are more critical about those we receive than 
 were our forefathers. We insist that our correspondents shall 
 spell correctly, that they shall write handsome or at least fair 
 hands, and that they shall write straight. In looking over 
 old manuscripts, one is struck with the school-boy appear- 
 ance of the chirography, and with the almost more than 
 school-boy quaintness of spelling. People certainly write 
 much better than they did fifty or a hundred years ago. 
 We have improved in the manner, if not in the matter of our 
 communications. 
 
 It has been said elsewhere in this volume that to use ruled 
 paper for writing invitations is considered very " bad form." 
 Ruled paper should be kept for business communications 
 only. Those who have not learned to write straight must 
 content themselves with using lines under their paper. 
 
 The forms and colors of note-paper are so constantly 
 changing and shifting, that it is hard to lay down any last- 
 ing rules in regard to styles. But it is always safe to 
 choose plain, substantial paper, either white or of some light 
 tint, and to avoid bright or striking colors, eccentric shapes, 
 etc. Perfectly plain thick white paper is preferred at the 
 present moment. French water-lined paper is not much in 
 favor now, but it is always allowable to use it for letters, 
 especially if it is white. For notes of invitation it is hardly 
 heavy enough, the thinness of the paper seeming to denote 
 a want of formality, an absence of starch, which these mis- 
 sives require. Rather small note-paper of the best quality 
 should be used for writing and answering invitations. Mono- 
 grams are little used now, although some persons still fancy 
 them. A lady's initials, copied from her own handwriting, 
 are sometimes placed diagonally across the left-hand corner
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 233 
 
 of the sheet ; but the envelope must be perfectly plain. An 
 excellent and popular fashion is to have one's address in 
 colored letters, usually blue engraved at th3 head of one's 
 note-paper. The address and date should always be put 
 either at the beginning or at the end of a letter. For notes, 
 the latter is usually preferred. It is better, in dating, to use 
 both the day of the week and the day of the month, though 
 for a note the day of the week is sufficient. In a letter, the 
 date of the year is given ; in a note, it is not. The new 
 business method of dating, whereby the name of the month 
 is omitted and its number substituted, is surely a most 
 senseless innovation. "7 11 87" may mean either the 
 seventh day of the eleventh month, or the eleventh day of 
 the seventh mouth. At best, this mode gives people the 
 trouble of calculating the number of the month ; because 
 they do not always remember, unless they stop to think, that 
 October is the tenth month, and not the eighth, as its name 
 implies. 
 
 A commercial or clerk-like hand is not a desirable one to 
 cultivate ; not only does it smack too much of the counting- 
 room, but it is too precise and formal, too much lacking in 
 all originality and spontaneity. While every one should be 
 carefully trained to write a good hand handsome, even, 
 and legible he should be trained to write his own hand, 
 and not simply to imitate some one's else. It is sometimes 
 amusing to read the advertisements of certain wonderful sys- 
 tems of instruction in writing, and to note the specimens 
 written " before " and " after " instruction. To many of us 
 it would seem that a deterioration had taken place in the 
 latter, and a good honest individual handwriting, sometimes 
 a handsome one, changed to a meaningless scroll-bedecked 
 copperplate script. 
 
 Lord Chesterfield says in his letters to his son : "I do not 
 desire you to write a stiff, formal hand, like that of a school-
 
 234 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 roaster, but a genteel, legible, and liberal character." Flour- 
 ishes in a signature, except for a writing-master or a really 
 great man, seem pretentious and out of place. 
 
 The extremely pointed English or Italian character, so 
 much in vogue a few years ago, is now less fashionable than 
 it was, which is surely a subject for thankfulness, as this spe- 
 cial variety of ladies' handwriting is exceedingly illegible. 
 
 Great care should always be taken to fold and direct a 
 letter neatly, and to put on the stamp evenly, in the proper 
 corner. Would that we could use stamped envelopes ! But 
 Dame Fashion excludes these from genteel correspondence, 
 because they are cheap, and perhaps seem careless. Fashion 
 is a very exacting task-mistress, and usually expects us to 
 choose the more difficult path, where two lie open In fold- 
 ing a letter, care should always be taken to fold it right 
 side up ; that is, so that the person who receives it shall 
 not have to turn it, after taking it out of the envelope, in 
 order to read it. 
 
 Sealing-wax, the use of which had almost died out in this 
 country, has taken a new hold on public favor, and among 
 the elegant appointments of a writing-desk, sealing-wax and 
 taper are now to be reckoned. No one should use wax 
 who cannot make an even, handsome, clearly-marked seal ; 
 because a slovenly one looks much worse than none. 
 
 A new method of writing is to write on the first and 
 fourth sides of a sheet, and then opening it, and turning it 
 the other way, to write across the third and second sides 
 continuously. 
 
 "My dear Mr. Lempriere," or "Dear Mr. Lempriere," 
 which is the more formal 1 This is a question that is some- 
 times asked ; but whatever arguments may be used in favor 
 of either form of address in the abstract, ordinary custom, in 
 
 this country at least, has adopted " My dear Mr. " as 
 
 the usual form for beginning a letter : hence when the " My ''
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 235 
 
 is dropped, greater familiarity is implied, because less cere- 
 mony is used. If one wishes to be still more formal, it is 
 very easy to be so. 
 
 . %/tn Jtaffant, OR 
 
 <7 
 
 I^WM deat <Jrt, OK 
 
 would be the proper way to begin a letter in such a case. 
 
 An excellent English authority says, "An unmarried lady 
 cannot address a gentleman as ' My dear Sir,' unless she is 
 very old, and he too. It should be ' Dear Sir.' " It is rather 
 difficult to say which is the more familiar of these two forms, 
 and the question which of them should be used seems of very 
 little importance, since both are decidedly formal. Formal 
 letters to clergymen begin " Reverend and dear Sir." 
 
 The signature should always include the full name, or the 
 last name with the initials. Nicknames, such as " Carrie," 
 " Bessie," should never be signed to any letters save those 
 written to relatives or very intimate friends. An older lady 
 writing to a yoxinger one would not sign her Christian name, 
 but would sign herself " R. V. Bacon ; " the same signature 
 should be used in writing business letters, letters to servants, 
 etc. It is not considered allowable to sign one's name as 
 "Mrs. R. V. Bacon," or "Miss A. B. Bacon." If it is desirable 
 to let one's correspondent know by what title he is to address 
 one, it is very easily done by inserting this formula : " Please 
 address Mrs. R. V. Bacon." A woman of business once 
 signed her name thus : " (Miss) Brooks of Sheffield," and hor
 
 236 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 correspondent, taking the " Miss " as a gentle bint, gallantly 
 answered her with an offer of marriage! The custom of 
 
 signing circulars or business communications with Miss 
 
 or Mrs. seems to be growing in public favor, neverthe- 
 less the form should be avoided wherever it is possible to 
 do so. 
 
 The signature should correspond with the tone of a letter. 
 " Yours with much regard," " With kind regards believe me 
 yours cordially," are friendly, but still somewhat ceremonious. 
 "Yours truly," " Yours very truly," " Sincerely yours," " Very 
 sincerely yours," " Faithfully yours," " Cordially yours," 
 " Aff'ly yours," "Affectionately yours," this list shows a 
 sliding scale from most to least formal. "Yours respect- 
 fully " is only used for business letters, or in writing to a 
 superior either in age or position. " Yours truly," or 
 "Very truly yours" are also reserved for business letters. 
 " Your obedient servant " is much used in formal and busi- 
 ness letters, and is always dignified and courteous. 
 
 The old custom was to write to servants or tradespeople in 
 the third person. It is sometimes done now, but except for 
 a very short communication it is an undesirable form, because 
 awkward and indirect ; besides, it is undemocratic. 
 
 Abbreviations of words should not be used in writing : 
 such as " & " for " and," " wh " for " which," etc. So much 
 fun has been made of women's letters on account of their 
 frequent underlinings and inevitable postscripts, that it is not 
 necessary to dwell on these points. It certainly destroys all 
 the force of italics to use them constantly, besides giving a 
 letter a very school-girlish tone; and while a postscript is 
 very good for its proper purpose, that is, for adding something 
 which has been forgotten, it is certainly not the right place 
 to put the most important matter in the whole letter, as 
 if one were afraid or ashamed to speak "out until the last 
 moment.
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 237 
 
 A letter should never be crossed. In these days when 
 note-paper and postage are both cheap it is inexcusable for 
 any one to write across the paper, thus trying to the utter- 
 most both the eyesight and patience of a friend. Figures 
 should not be used except in designating dates or giving the 
 number of a house and street. 
 
 A note written in the third person must of course never be 
 signed. Thus, to write 
 
 > 
 
 ((t calf en Weewifde&zu, at 
 
 17 
 
 (^Mi . - 6 tfoie, an</ 6*/<sct a 
 
 would be simply barbarous. A note written in the third 
 person must so continue all through. "Mr. Smith accepts 
 with pleasure your kind invitation " is inadmissible. " Mr. 
 Smith accepts with pleasure Mrs. Brown's kind invitation, 
 etc.," would be a correct formula. 
 
 People who are in mourning generally use black-edged 
 note-paper, although some persons dislike and never use it. 
 All matters connected with mourning ought to be left to the 
 judgment and feelings of the mourner. It is cruel to en- 
 hance sorrow by binding it around with the silken serpent 
 of etiquette. 
 
 Where black-edged paper is used the border should vaiy 
 in depth according to the length of time the writer has been 
 in mourning, and the nearness of the relative mourned. Very
 
 238 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 broad mourning borders certainly seem affected as well as 
 gloomy. The autograph letter of condolence which Queen 
 Victoria sent to Mrs. Lincoln when the President was assassi- 
 nated was written on note-paper with a black border nearly 
 an inch deep ! 
 
 A letter to a married lady should always be directed with 
 her husband's name or initials, and not her own : thus, " Mrs. 
 James Nevins," or " Mrs. J. B. Nevins." One cannot write 
 " Mrs. Rev. Thomas Brookes," or " Mrs. Dr. Simeon Thomas." 
 It is proper, however, to write "Rev. and Mrs. Thomas 
 Brookes," or "Dr. and Mrs. Simeon Thomas." Of course 
 where the lady is a minister of the gospel in propria 
 persona, or a Doctor of Medicine, it is quite right to give 
 her her title, " Eev. Olympia Brown," or " Dr. Emma 
 News." In addressing a letter to a gentleman, custom pre- 
 scribes that " Esq." shall be added after his name unless he 
 has some other title, as "Dr.," "Rev.," etc. As "Esq." is a 
 matter of courtesy and not of right in this country, it is 
 better to omit it where one can without leaving the name 
 standing baldly alone. Thus " R. V. Rich, M. D.," " C. B. 
 Roe, Jr.," look better written without the " Esq. ; " some 
 people add it, however, and write "R. V. Rich, M. D., Esq.," 
 and "C. B. Roe, Jr., Esq." In directing notes of invitation 
 " Mr." should be used, and not " Esq." 
 
 Although it has been mentioned elsewhere in this volume, 
 it is proper to repeat here that great care should be taken to 
 write numbers, dates, and proper names with distinctness. 
 In the case of ordinary words, the context will often furnish 
 some clew whereby they may be guessed ; but in the case 
 of a proper name perhaps one that is entirely unknown to 
 the recipient of the letter there is nothing to assist him 
 in deciphering it. 
 
 While it would not be fitting, in writing " the letter of the 
 period," to imitate the diffuseness of the classic letter-writers
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 239 
 
 either of antiquity or of comparatively modern times, one 
 might with advantage copy their graceful Style, and take 
 from them many hints as to what should and what should 
 not find place in a letter that is meant to give pleasure. 
 Letters that are intended to annoy or irritate the recipient 
 angry letters would much better not be written, on every 
 one's account. The minute descriptions of Madame de 
 Sevigne", whereby she gave " airy nothings a local habita- 
 tion and a name," are still charming reading after two cen- 
 turies have elapsed ; but not even to a friend in the country 
 would one think now-a-days of elaborating trifles at such 
 length, even if one possessed the grace and imagination of 
 this celebrated letter-writer. 
 
 Terseness and that brevity which is the soul of wit are 
 essential to the composition of a modern epistle ; and if a 
 picture is to be drawn it must be photographed by the in- 
 stantaneous process, not slowly worked out with the graver's 
 tools. And yet, no brusqueness must find place in a letter. 
 One must be concise, but never curt. Few people can trust 
 themselves to write anything longer than a short note when 
 in great haste ; one is so apt, if not to make a mistake, at 
 least to say something carelessly, or to leave something un- 
 said which if said would very essentially modify the tone 
 and meaning of the whole. Especially is this the case where 
 one is writing anything personal ; great care should be taken 
 to express one's meaning clearly, and to remember that the 
 written word is so much more formal than the spoken word, 
 that what would be passed over as a jest in the latter seems 
 like reproof in the former. In fact, it is a very dangerous 
 matter to find fault with people on paper; misconceptions 
 so easily arise which in conversation would be set right iu 
 two minutes ; and the receiver of the letter is sure to imagine 
 that the writer means twice as much he says, and the former 
 therefore proportionately magnifies what is actually said.
 
 240 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Hence, if one must write a fault-finding letter, it is only safe 
 to express about one fourth as much as one feels. Lawyers 
 say that the fondness of mankind for writing letters, and 
 getting themselves into no end of trouble by their folly in 
 so doing, is perfectly extraordinary. A conscientious lawyer 
 will beg and pray his client to cio anything rather than write 
 a letter. Litera scripta manet, as astute politicians and dip- 
 lomats well know. Avoid the pen as you would the Devil, 
 when you are angry ; and if you must commit follies, don't 
 put them down on paper. 
 
 If a letter is intended to give pleasure it must not be 
 simply an echo of the letter to which it is an answer. While 
 it is proper to make short comments on what has been written 
 to you, these are generally not of special interest to your 
 correspondent, who wants usually to hear about what is 
 going on at your end of the line, for lie knows already what 
 is happening at his own. Thus one receives some charmingly 
 written and gracefully expressed letters, which mean and say 
 absolutely nothing ! Egotism the other extreme is also 
 to be avoided in a letter, especially complaining egotism. 
 What a terrible warning are the letters of Jane Welsh Carlyle 
 against " growling on paper " ! And what a contrast to them 
 are the letters of the Carlyle-Emerson correspondence, where 
 the real nobility of thought and character of these two great 
 men stand out in such plain relief! How little did Mrs. 
 Carlyle imagine that the grumblings by which she occasion- 
 ally relieved her heart and temper were, after her death, to 
 prejudice many minds against the husband who truly and 
 deeply loved her ! How different might all have been if she 
 had told him frankly of her discontents, instead of writing 
 them to other people, for the world to gossip over in the 
 years to come ! 
 
 The letters of the younger Pliny show a cheerful, amiable 
 disposition, giving us at the same time that innocent gossip
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 241 
 
 in which the human mind ever delights, and many interesting 
 pictures of the manners of his day. He is not a bad model 
 for a correspondent, especially as his letters are not usually 
 long. 
 
 A letter should be cheerful in tone, and it should not be 
 written unless one has something to say. If a person is 
 obliged to write and has nothing to say, he should not go on 
 saying it for several pages. 
 
 A brief but courteous note is far pleasanter to receive than 
 a long-drawn-out letter over which the writer has labored 
 long and painfully. It is a good rule always to read over 
 letters before sending them. Copying is to be deprecated, as 
 it is apt to make letters stiff and formal. 
 
 One should be very careful not to write familiarly to peo- 
 ple whom one does not know well, to those who are much 
 older, or to people who hold a high position in the world. 
 A letter may be entirely courteous and dignified, and yet 
 not at all familiar. Indeed, it shows a want of self-respect 
 to attempt familiarity where one has no right to do so, and 
 where it may be resented. In writing to friends and inti- 
 mates it is of course proper to adopt a very different tone, 
 and not to offend them by what they would rightly con- 
 sider stiffness; though the same form of words might be 
 entirely proper and courteous if addressed to a comparative 
 stranger. 
 
 Jesting in letters is rather a dangerous matter, since such 
 jokes are often misunderstood, and being taken in earnest 
 often cause much annoyance and even unhappiness. It is 
 sometimes said of a person who is skilful in writing letters 
 whereof the tone is easy and conversational, " He writes just 
 as he speaks." A little observation, however, will generally 
 bring out the fact that the writer is possessed of the ars 
 celare art em, just as the realistic actor is ; the skilful letter- 
 writer has the art of making his letters appear as if they were 
 
 16
 
 242 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 " frozen conversation," but the tinkling ice-crystals are not 
 the result of simple congelation : say, rather, they are the 
 work of a skilful confectioner, who can make his ice at 
 any time of year. 
 
 There should always be more formality in the written than 
 in the spoken word ; even the most familiar letter should be 
 worded and expressed with greater care, with more gram- 
 matical exactness, and with greater rhetorical precision, than 
 is called for in ordinary speech. It seems a much easier 
 thing to write a good letter than it really is ; just as the flow- 
 ing, easy, and graceful style of some authors impresses the 
 reader with the feeling that he himself, or any one, could 
 write like that ! But a brief trial will speedily convince him 
 that he cannot. 
 
 Slang should not find a place save in the most familiar 
 letters. Care also should be taken to avoid mixing up pro- 
 nouns, and making " he," " she," " it," etc., refer first to one 
 person or thing and then to another in the same sentence. 
 We need several new pronouns in English, as our language is 
 sadly deficient in them. The man who should successfully 
 invent or derive from classic tongues some new pronouns 
 would deserve the gratitude of the whole English-speaking 
 race. As a matter of fact, he would be sent either to a luna- 
 tic asylum or a dungeon cell. We can invent " dudes " and 
 discover planets, but the lost pronouns will never more be 
 found ! And yet to what subterfuges and circumlocutions is 
 the writer not driven for the want of an equivalent to " he," 
 " him," etc., and for a singular form of " they " which should 
 
 be of common gender ! " John met Mr. J : he asked him 
 
 whether he would not go and take a drive in his new dog- 
 cart." But instances of this painful nature need not be cited, 
 as they are so common. 
 
 After making a visit at a friend's house one should always 
 write a note or letter acknowledging the kindness and hos-
 
 LETTERS AND NOTES. 243 
 
 pitality of host or hostess. When answering even a familiar 
 note of invitation, one should be very careful to do so courte- 
 ously as well as promptly, wording the answer as much like 
 the invitation as possible. The day and for a dinner or 
 lunch the hour should be repeated, so as to be sure that 
 there is no mistake ; as for instance, 
 
 u. eMai ^/vi'M. fymet, 
 
 // 
 t( a 
 
 Jo t<uncn tvtW 
 
 / naaf-/ifwt one c cwcn. 
 /stm mna ieaatok), 
 
 on 
 
 s 
 
 <^Viona<r// . 
 
 A written invitation must never receive a verbal answer, 
 but always a written one. To send an answer by word of 
 mouth, except where one has been invited in the same way, 
 is extremely impolite. One must never send a visiting card 
 with "regrets" written on it. To do so would be very " bad 
 form." Invitations must be answered on note-paper, and 
 not on visiting cards. The custom of writing " Present " or
 
 244 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 " Addressed " on a letter which is to be delivered by a private 
 messenger is rapidly going out of fashion. The same is true 
 of the superscriptions " Kindness of Mr. Smith," " Favored 
 by Mr. Smith," etc. It suffices to direct such a letter to the 
 street and number only, omitting the name of the city or 
 town, or with the name of the gentleman's place, if he lives 
 in the country. Thus : Mrs. James Meredith, Beaulieu.
 
 CHAPTER XXVI 
 
 ON DRESS. 
 
 THE wise physician does not take his own drugs, neither 
 do the wise and witty Frenchwomen follow their own 
 fashions, that is to say, they do not follow them to ex- 
 tremes, nor adhere to them with the martyr-like fidelity which 
 so strongly characterizes Americans. At last, however, our 
 countrywomen are beginning to think for themselves a little 
 in the matter of dress. Since it has grown to be fashionable 
 to dress becomingly and with a certain amount of individual- 
 ity, we have plucked up a little spirit, and have even signed 
 a sort of moderate and feeble declaration of independence 
 against our old enemies, French fashions and perfect unifor- 
 mity in dress. How well I remember a certain spring season 
 in my childhood when every woman between the ages of 
 twelve and forty wore a yellow straw-bonnet trimmed with 
 green ribbon on the outside and pink on the inside ! And 
 that autumn after Napoleon III.'s campaign in Italy, when 
 no respectable person thought of having her bonnet trimmed 
 with any other color than solferino or magenta ! Now, if 
 we come across a bit of one of these old and crude colors in 
 looking over some ancient store of scraps and pieces, how 
 we shudder ! We can hardly believe that " gentlewomen 
 wore such caps as these," or could have made themselves so 
 supremely ugly. 
 
 The study of dress is in these days an approved branch of 
 feminine education. It has never been wholly neglected,
 
 246 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 only women have too often pursued it with their eyes shut, 
 and now they mean to keep them open, a very great 
 improvement. 
 
 The two chief points which a woman should always bear in 
 mind in regard to dress are first, is it appropriate ; sec- 
 ond, is it becoming? A lady should never be tempted to 
 wear a costume which is unsuitable to the occasion, merely 
 by the fact that she looks well in it ; because in so doing she 
 violates that harmony which is one of the first laws of art 
 (and nature alike. Instead of pleasing other people she will 
 J jar on their sense of fitness, and she will be apt also to render 
 herself conspicuous, and to appear to display unnecessary 
 \_vaiiity. 
 
 Dress should always be subordinate to the wearer ; for if a 
 human being is of any account at all, he is surely more im- 
 portant than his own clothes. Never dress in such a way, 
 therefore, that your clothes shall attract every one's attention, 
 as if you considered them of vastly more consequence than 
 \jpurself. We all remember the old Roman joke about " the 
 sword that was seen with a little man tied to it." We should 
 ['dress to live, not live to dress." And yet some women will 
 spend their whole time and energy in devising and planning 
 what they shall wear, and wherewithal they shall be clothed, 
 as if they themselves, their own hearts and minds and bod- 
 ies, were of comparatively small importance beside the vast, 
 ) never-ending subject of clothing ! 
 
 Lord Chesterfield says, " The difference in dress between a 
 man and a fop is, that the fop values himself upon his dress ; 
 and the man of sense laughs at it at the same time that he 
 knows he must not neglect it." 
 
 What tremendous satire lies in Thackeray's caricature ot 
 Le Grand Monarque Louis XIV. ! First, we have the man 
 and his clothes combined ; second, we have the little old 
 king, looking small enough without his grand finery ; ami
 
 ON DRESS. 247 
 
 third, there is the finery alone, enormous wig, great wide- 
 sleeved, long-skirted coat, and shoes with lofty heels. Really, 
 it looks almost as well without any one in it. It can " stand 
 alone " quite as well as some of the rich silk dresses that are 
 supposed to be able to do so. And if Thackeray is powerful 
 on this subject, what shall we say of the great master Carlyle 
 and his wonderful "Sartor Resartus," in which not the folly 
 alone of man's making a clothes-horse of himself, but the 
 folly and unworthiness of so many pursuits that go to make 
 up the sum of human life are portrayed with the author's 
 inimitable satire, from which pathos is never far distant ! 
 Carlyle's laughter comes ever near to tears. 
 
 Whether Woman is behind Man in civilization because she 
 pays an attention to dress which he has long ago disused, or 
 whether her devotion to it is because man requires her to be 
 robed in gay attire, is a question which I shall not here enter 
 into. Suffice it to acknowledge that women are expected in 
 this age to pay more attention to dress than men do, and that 
 they are therefore justified in so doing within limits. 
 
 In determining whether a lady's dress is or is not appro- 
 priate, we must take into consideration not only the occasion 
 on which it is worn but the worldly means of the wearer. It 
 is decidedly inappropriate, and in very bad taste, to dress 
 more expensively than one can afford to do. No one thinks 
 better of you for doing so. The spiteful will laugh at you, 
 and the "judicious will grieve," to think that you have gone 
 to an expense which you could not afford, and for which 
 you may pay dearly in some way. Never ape the finery of 
 those who are much richer in worldly goods than you are ; of 
 great statues we have plaster casts, it is true, but a cheap copy 
 of a handsome dress is apt to be a wretched affair. There are 
 certain styles which look well in all materials, but these are 
 the exceptions. As a rule, what is appropriate in a silk dress 
 is not suitable for a calico, and vice versa. A cheap material,
 
 248 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 especially if it be of woollen, and intended for every-day use, 
 should be trimmed very plainly. How often do we see in 
 the horse-cars (where enforced idleness gives one leisure for 
 the study of sumptuary laws) garments made of cheap, flimsy 
 dry-goods elaborately garnished with ruffles and "bias folds," 
 poorly cut, and considerably the worse for wear, some light 
 color which shows every spot, adding to the general inappro- 
 priateness of the costume ! A dress should be made very 
 simply if it is expected to do service for a long time. 
 Elaborate trimmings soon grow shabby. 
 
 Another fatal error which some women make is that of 
 putting handsome, expensive trimming on cheap gowns. It 
 fairly makes one shudder to see iridescent beads on an ill- 
 fitting garment which cost twenty-five cents a yard ! How 
 much better would it have been to take the money spent 
 for these inappropriate gewgaws and to pay therewith for the 
 services of a good dressmaker ! Or if a woman is obliged 
 to do all her own sewing, let her save the time spent in 
 making deforming ruffles and expend it in learning to make 
 her dresses fit well. The result will be much more stylish 
 and more satisfactory in every way. 
 
 All scholars know the difficulty of translating a poem from 
 one language into another. To translate a Worth costume 
 meant to be worn at receptions and kettledrums into a home- 
 made gown intended for walking in muddy streets through 
 all weathers is just about as easy. A wise woman will not 
 attempt " to keep to the original metre " in such a case. 
 
 Oscar Wilde, who is a man of considerable parts, despite 
 his numerous follies and affectations, has written a very in- 
 teresting article, in which he points out how much thought 
 Shakspeare gave to the subject of dress, and what an impor- 
 tant part it has in the dramatic effect produced by his plays. 
 Many of the characters describe their own costume, although 
 the description is so skilfully interwoven with the rest of the
 
 ON DRESS. 249 
 
 text that one does not think of it as a stage direction " what 
 to wear." 
 
 Of Juliet the article says, " A modern playwright would 
 probably have laid her out in her shroud, and made the scene 
 a scene of horror merely ; but Shakspeare arrays her in rich 
 and gorgeous raiment, whose loveliness makes the vault ' a 
 feasting presence full of light,' txirns the tomb into a bridal 
 chamber, and gives the cue and motive for Romeo's speech of 
 the triumph of Love over Life, and of Beauty over Death." 
 An inventory, still in existence, of the costume wardrobe 
 of a London theatre in Shakspeare's time contains a most 
 astonishing number and variety of garments of every sort, 
 including a robe " for to go invisibell," no doubt for the 
 ghost in Hamlet. 
 
 The Greeks, from whose school of taste and art what 
 modern nation can hope to graduate 1 the Greeks finished 
 their statues as perfectly behind as in front, even those which 
 were placed so high in the friezes of the temples that no one 
 could possibly see the reverse side. Women can well take 
 a hint from this many-sided perfection, and remember that 
 the effect of a costume should be studied in the rear and 
 in profile quite as much as in front. 
 
 The side view of a woman's face framed in one of the very 
 high bonnets of the present time is singular enough. A diag- 
 onal line drawn from the chin to the top of the topmost feather 
 represents the greatest diameter and what greatness ! ' Mean- 
 while the hair is absorbed and drawn up under this towering 
 finery, leaving the shortest diameter from the nape of the 
 neck across to the mouth wonderfully short. 
 
 Every woman who can possibly afford it should have a 
 cheval-glass, or at any rate a glass long enough to reflect 
 her whole figure from head to foot, otherwise she cannot 
 know with any certainty the true appearance of her costume. 
 This is specially necessary for people either much shorter or
 
 250 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 much taller than the average height, since the result may 
 be very disastrous if they attempt to copy a style of dress 
 which looks well on some woman of medium height, without 
 stopping to think whether the same thing will be becoming 
 to a person of different figure. The same advice may be 
 given to very stout or very thin women, to very pale or very 
 florid ones; in short, to any one who differs decidedly in 
 any particular from " the average woman." The average wo- 
 man only can copy with impunity or with anything resem- 
 bling it. Garments are made to fit her, and fashions are 
 designed more or less to become her ; but even she must not 
 revel in sheep-like imitation if she wishes to look her best. 
 
 It is only a very good figure which looks well when all its 
 outlines are shown distinctly ; a woman with a poor figure 
 should seek rather to soften and disguise it, be she angular and 
 high-shouldered, or short and stout. What painful displays 
 of ugly forms we have all seen since the advent of the recent 
 fashions, which decree that a woman shall wear neither cloak 
 nor mantle in the street, but go abroad in a costume which 
 would have been considered rather a questionable one even 
 for the house twenty years ago ! Questionable, because fitted 
 to the form with an exactness which was not then considered 
 allowable. 
 
 A very tall woman who wears a very long skirt should 
 have a good deal of trimming on it, because this breaks 
 the line of the skirt and makes it seem shorter. A short wo- 
 man, per contra, should wear little trimming on her skirt, or 
 should have it near the bottom, so as to make the lines long. 
 She should, for the same reason, avoid basques, except very 
 short ones. One of the most fashionable women in Boston 
 wears a perfectly plain plaited skirt for a street dress, because 
 it is becoming to her and makes her look taller. 
 
 A very tall woman should never wear a broad flaring round 
 hat, unless she wishes to look like Mrs. Japheth or Mrs. Sheni
 
 ON DRESS. 251 
 
 just coming out of the ark. A short- waisted woman should 
 never wear a belt. A very stout person should wear dark 
 colors (which make one look smaller), and materials which are 
 close and fine rather than loose and rough. The effect of a 
 stout woman arrayed in gray furzy cloth covered with imita- 
 tion snow-flakes is very like that of a polar bear. Another 
 delusion of short stout elderly women is that very tight- 
 fitting polonaises are becoming to them ; and so they allow 
 their mautua-makers to array them in clinging garments 
 which make them look like closely-draped beer-barrels. 
 
 When the great Beau Brummell was asked why Englishmen 
 were so much better dressed than Frenchmen, he replied la- 
 conically, " 'T is the hat." And some beaux in these days 
 maintain with a good deal of reason that if a man's hat is 
 new and in good style, it does not so much matter about the 
 rest of his clothes. Good gloves, good shoes, and a fresh hat 
 or bonnet are certainly very important items in a person's 
 appearance. The great man quoted above said that a gentle- 
 man should use six pairs of gloves in a day ! Gloves should 
 be well fitting ; it is seldom an economy to buy cheap ones. 
 
 According to the present fashion, ladies do not take off 
 their gloves at a ball, reception, or other occasion where the 
 collation is a stand-up affair. They keep their gloves on 
 while eating, although to many of us it seems far from neat 
 to do so, since one cannot hold cake, sandwiches, etc., in 
 one's fingers without soiling the gloves. 
 
 A foolish newspaper rumor has gone abroad that the lady 
 of the White House eats her dinner with her gloves on. But 
 this story is a highly improbable one ; and if it were true, 
 the example thus set would not be followed by our best 
 society, the members of which are too sensible to be governed 
 by the fancies of any (native) leader of fashion. It is con- 
 sidered " bad form " to sit down at table with gloves on ; and 
 they are always removed at breakfast, luncheon, dinner, tea,
 
 252 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 and at a formal supper, where all the guests sit at table and 
 the service is in courses. 
 
 Gloves appear to have been very ancient concomitants of 
 civilization. In the Odyssey, Homer describes Laertes as 
 working in his garden with leather gloves on to protect his 
 hands from thorns. Gloves are also spoken of in the Bible, 
 in the book of Ruth and in that of Kings. Queen Eliz- 
 abeth of England wore sweet-scented gloves, which were 
 brought from Italy during her reign by Edward de Vere, 
 Earl of Oxford. 
 
 Never allow one garment to be so expensive or showy that 
 the rest of your costume will contrast badly with it. Do not 
 wear a thirty-dollar bonnet with an old and shabby dress. 
 Let all your garments have a certain accord with one another, 
 so that they may seem to belong together. If the colors 
 contrast, let it not be with too much violence. 
 
 One should be very careful to select materials and styles of 
 dress that are suited to one's age, figure, height, and complex- 
 ion. A great many women consider only the beauty or ugliness 
 of a garment in itself, and quite forget that the same costume 
 will make one woman look like a scarecrow and another like 
 a goddess. They see in the street, perhaps, some " love of a 
 bonnet " worn by a charming young girl with fresh bright 
 complexion, and are filled with a desire and a determination 
 to have one just exactly like it, never stopping to think 
 whether it will be equally suitable to a person of a totally 
 different coloring, age, and figure. 
 
 There is an old saying that a sheep does not look well 
 dressed up in a lamb's clothing. Miss Maria Oakey, in her 
 little book on " Beauty in Dress," points out to women that 
 as their age increases, the tints of the complexion necessarily 
 change, and that therefore the same colors will not be becom- 
 ing to a woman of forty and to a girl of sixteen. It is the 
 same old story that Dr. Holmes tells so charmingly in his
 
 OX DRESS. 253 
 
 " Autocrat of the Breakfast-table." Old Age (so the witty Doc- 
 tor says) comes to us in the guise of a friend, and offers us 
 now a cane and a pair of arctics to aid our steps in slippery 
 weather, and now a muffler to keep out the winter's cold. 
 And we are quite indignant at his first visit. We inform 
 him that he has mistaken the house, and we go bravely out, 
 scorning his proffered aid. But a fall on the ice or an at- 
 tack of sore-throat teaches us that Old Age was right, and the 
 second time he calls upon us we receive the wraps and 
 mufflers with a thankful and humble heart. 
 
 So it is, or so it should be, with dress ; and both men and 
 women should remember to modify the style and fashion of 
 their raiment as they grow older. But, alas ! many people are 
 seized with a sudden desire for youth just as it is slipping 
 away from them, and men of forty -five will shave off their 
 beards and appear with the smooth face which looks well 
 only on a young man or a very handsome one. Women of 
 mature years will wear round hats, or bonnets without strings, 
 forgetting that age shows about the throat and neck as much 
 as at the corners of the eyes. 
 
 Many people, however, go to the other extreme, and know- 
 ing that their youth is a thing of the past, they pay little at- 
 tention to the question whether their dress is becoming or the 
 reverse. They fossilize into a certain style of costume and 
 into a certain way of arranging the hair. Every woman, if 
 she lives long enough, reaches this state of fossilization of 
 coiffure. and dress; but some women reach it at an unduly 
 early age. 
 
 While the affectation of youth is a thing to be strenuously 
 avoided, it is still to be remembered that at every age the 
 human form divine possesses some degree of beauty. The 
 beauty of middle-aged and elderly people is not usually 
 perceptible to the very young, but it is to their contempo- 
 raries ; and it is patent to all the world that every one,
 
 254 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 even a plain or elderly person, looks better when becomingly 
 dressed. 
 
 Therefore, when a middle-aged woman imagines that no 
 one cares how she looks or dresses, she makes a great mis- 
 take. To her husband, her children, and her friends it is 
 surely gratifying to see the mother of the family clad in be- 
 coming raiment ; and while, like the pelican, she may strip 
 off some of her fine feathers for the benefit of her nestlings, 
 she should not imitate the conduct of fond and foolish Lear, 
 and give her worldly all to her children. 
 
 American women wear much more showy and elaborate 
 costumes when walking in the street than do their European 
 sisters, who consider it unladylike to go abroad in gorgeous 
 raiment except in a carriage. "We are beginning to be of the 
 same opinion in this country ; witness the quiet tailor-made 
 1 street costumes now so popular. 
 
 Diamonds and handsome jewels are never worn in the 
 street nor in travelling by Englishwomen of quality, who 
 consider that such ornaments should be reserved for the even- 
 ing or for large and gay occasions. In this country the rules 
 in regard to wearing jewelry are much more lax ; but ladies 
 of good taste seldom wear bracelets or much jewelry of any 
 sort in the morning, or in the street at any hour. Many 
 ladies wear diamond earrings in the daytime, especially if the 
 stones are not very large. It certainly seems inappropriate 
 to time and place to wear large and expensive diamonds 
 when walking in the street. One incurs also no small risk 
 of having them stolen. 
 
 The woman who walks abroad or goes in the cars very 
 showily dressed and covered with jewelry, conveys to the be- 
 holder the idea that she does not belong to what is technically 
 called society ; that she has no legitimate opportunity to dis- 
 play her handsome clothes, and therefore is obliged to wear 
 them in the street or not at all.
 
 CHAPTEE XXVII. 
 
 THE DRESS AND CUSTOMS APPROPRIATE TO MOURNING. 
 
 IT seems a strange thing that we, who profess and call 
 ourselves Christians, should yet think it right to assume the 
 trappings of the deepest woe and gloom upon the death of a 
 near and dear friend. According to our belief the loved one 
 has gone to a happier world, free from all pain and care. 
 Why, then, should we surround ourselves with the tokens of 
 a woe that is in some sort a rebellion against the decrees of 
 Divine Providence 1 Many people, reasoning thus, feel that 
 it is not right to put on any outward show of mourning, and 
 it must be confessed that their argument is a logical one. 
 Others, again, object to wearing weeds because the custom is 
 such an expensive one, and because poor people feel that they 
 must comply with it, or seem wanting in respect for the dead ; 
 whereas if the rich did not set them the example, the poor 
 would not feel obliged to follow it. 
 
 On the other hand, there are many reasons to be urged in 
 favor of allowing people to assume a mourning garb where 
 they wish to do so. The voice of society is not cruel enough 
 in these days to dictate a universal law on the subject, though 
 it may once have done so ; nor does it hold up to scorn and 
 obloquy those who from conscientious motives refuse to com- 
 ply with its mandates. A mourning dress is a great protec- 
 tion against thoughtless and painful inquiries. It shows at 
 once to all friends and acquaintances that the wearer has
 
 256 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 recently lost some near and dear friend, and warns them not 
 to jar upon a sad mood with a merry one, nor to ask careless 
 questions. Some people are so deficient in tact that they will 
 ask a person in deep black for whom she is wearing mourn- 
 ing, but fortunately such people are not very common. 
 
 In the first prostration of a heavy sorrow it is a comfort to 
 many persons to have something that is purely mechanical 
 with which to fill up the time and to distract the mind, even 
 if only in a very small measure, from the crushing grief 
 which threatens to overwhelm it. Thus the necessary ar- 
 rangements for mourning, etc., are really a painful blessing, 
 though one does not always know that they are so at the 
 time. 
 
 One of the most poignant regrets, secondary only to the 
 sense of the loss itself, is caused by the feeling that the dead 
 must, in the nature of things, soon be forgotten, and their 
 names as well as their places be lost from among the living. 
 Hence those who are in deep sorrow cling beyond all things 
 to the memory of their dead, and to whatever tends to keep 
 it alive. They feel, too, that garments of mourning are a fit 
 outward sign of a true inward sorrow, and that in wearing 
 them the last token of respect and affection is paid to the 
 dead. Many of us have seen people who did not believe in 
 the custom of wearing mourning, who thought it an empty 
 show and formality, and yet when their own time of real 
 trouble came, were very glad to take refuge in sable trappings. 
 
 Mourning is not now usually worn for so great a length of 
 time as formerly ; and although some people at least some 
 women are very censorious and exacting on the subject, so- 
 ciety in general allows more liberty of choice than it once did 
 both in regard to wearing mourning at all, and to the length 
 of time for wearing it. In New England, public sentiment 
 has never required so much outward show in this and other 
 matters as is found in the Middle States. Philadelphia,
 
 MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 257 
 
 again, has the reputation of being more ceremonious than 
 New York. But the old-fashioned and extreme tyranny of 
 mourning, which forbade women to appear in the street unless 
 they were covered by a suffocating and unhealthy crape veil, 
 and which declared that windows giving on the street must 
 be darkened for so many weeks or months after a death in 
 the house, all this has passed or is passing rapidly away. 
 
 Physicians have objected so much to the injurious habit of 
 covering the face with crape, that veils of this material are 
 now used much less than formerly. They are replaced by 
 nun's veiling, a fabric at once prettier, softer, cheaper, and 
 more durable than crape. It must never be worn over the 
 face, however, unless at a funeral, as it is very injurious to 
 the eyes. 
 
 The length of time for wearing mourning varies greatly 
 According to individual taste and feeling in this country, with 
 a tendency, however, to shorter rather than longer periods, 
 save with ultra-conservative people. 
 
 We are still inclined to be shocked at the brevity of French 
 mourning ; but it must be remembered that the longer people 
 wear black, the harder it is for them to leave it off, so that in 
 some cases daughters who have lost a parent can hardly per- 
 suade themselves to put on colors again after four or even five 
 years. This is morbid and all wrong ; it comes from a con- 
 fusion of ideas, and a misinterpretation of the meaning of 
 mourning. By resuming our ordinary garments we do not 
 signify that our sorrow has become no sorrow, but rather that 
 it has assumed a different phase, and has ceased to be the 
 prominent, nay, the all-absorbing feature in our lives that it 
 was at first. 
 
 According to French etiquette a widow wears mourning 
 for her husband during one year and six weeks. This period 
 is subdivided into three shorter ones ; namely, six months of 
 deep mourning, six months of ordinary, and six weeks of hull' 
 
 17
 
 258 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 mourning. For a father, mother, or wife the French wear 
 mourning for six months, divided into three of deep and 
 three of half mourning ; for a sister or brother two months, 
 of which one is deep mourning ; for a grandparent, two 
 and a half months of slight mourning ; for an aunt or uncle, 
 three weeks of ordinary mourning; and for a cousin, two 
 weeks. 
 
 Deep mourning consists of plain lustreless woollen stuffs 
 and crape. The stuffs should be of handsome material and 
 fine texture where the means of the wearer will allow, but 
 should always be made up in a simple and unostentatious 
 manner, and not overloaded with crape. Not only is the 
 custom of wearing a great quantity of crape going out of 
 vogue, but it is also a very objectionable fashion, because 
 real sorrow should never be made to appear like a sort of 
 dress-parade. Dull jet beads are now much worn in mourn- 
 ing, but a profusion of them is not appropriate to its earlier 
 stages. 
 
 Silk trimmed with crape is not considered to be " deep 
 black," but is worn in the secondary stages of mourning. 
 Woollens trimmed with lustreless silk, and bonnets made of 
 or trimmed with silk, also belong to what may be called or- 
 dinary mourning. Jet is not considered allowable save in 
 slight mourning, in this country, although it is in England ; 
 neither is lace used. In half-mourning, black and white as 
 well as gray are now worn, but not violet and lilac, as was 
 formerly the fashion. Complimentary mourning is black silk 
 without crape. 
 
 It is difficult to lay down exact rules, where custom 
 varies as it does in this country, and the best that can be 
 done is to approximate ordinary usage as nearly as may be in 
 regard to the length of time during which mourning is worn 
 in various cases. Widows usually wear deep mourning for 
 two years, and in some cases retain it for life. It is in very
 
 MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 259 
 
 questionable taste, however, for a young and pretty widow to 
 wear her mourning after she has become " reconciled" to the 
 death of her first husband and is quite willing to marry a 
 second. A widow still wearing her weeds, and at the same 
 time carrying on an animated flirtation with some new ad- 
 mirer, is a sight to make the gods weep. We do not wish 
 that women should commit suttee in any form ; but to angle 
 for a second husband with the weeds worn for the first, be- 
 cause they are becoming, is a thing that should be forbidden 
 by law. Where a widow is leaving off her mourning, of course 
 the case is quite different, because she has then already be- 
 gun to signify her intention of wearing black no more. If a 
 widow happens to become engaged to be married while still 
 in mourning, many people think she should not discard her 
 black robes until her marriage ; where a suitable length of 
 time has elapsed, however, after the death of the first hus- 
 band, it would seem more appropriate for her to leave off her 
 mourning gradually. 
 
 For parents, mourning is usually worn during two years, 
 and made lighter in the second year. Many people, however, 
 continue to wear deep mourning, crape veil and all, for two 
 years. For brothers and sisters, the usual period is one year 
 of deep mourning and a year or less of lighter mourning. 
 For uncles, aunts, or grandparents, three to six months of 
 ordinary, not deep mourning are usually thought sufficient, 
 unless where the tie has been an unusually near and dear 
 one. Indeed, many people do not put on mourning at all, 
 save for very near relatives. The custom of wearing deep 
 black for long periods of time as a compliment to one's hus- 
 band's relations is certainly a very objectionable one. It 
 seems to take all the real meaning from mourning, and to 
 make it a mere form and show. For in the very nature of 
 things one cannot love another person's kindred like one's 
 own.
 
 260 SOCIA.L CUSTOMS. 
 
 Parents often wear mourning for grown-up sons or daugh- 
 ters during two years. For children, most people do not 
 wear crape ; not because the grief is not of the deepest, but 
 because very stiff formal mourning seems utterly unfitted to 
 express the tender though poignant grief caused by the loss 
 from this world of a child's pure innocent spirit. In the 
 same way mourning for young children is not usually worn 
 during more than a year ; this, in spite of the fact that the 
 loss of a child often causes sorrow more enduring than any 
 other. The idea of respect for the dead enters more or less 
 into all our theories of mourning, and this respect seems 
 specially due to older people. 
 
 When one is in deep mourning, one does not go into 
 society, nor does one receive nor pay visits. Neither does 
 one go to the theatre, or other public place of amusement, 
 unless it be to a concert, until at least six months have 
 elapsed after the death of a near relative. After three 
 months it is considered allowable to attend concerts. Some 
 people make this period of strict seclusion much longer ; 
 but it must always be remembered that to many persons 
 this isolation continued for months or years, this deprivation 
 of all save the most limited society, and of every sort of 
 relaxation or amusement that could take their minds from 
 the one preoccupying thought, is not only very depressing 
 but extremely injurious. We are not all alike, and to some 
 minds it is fatal to be allowed to prey entirely upon them- 
 selves. Hence, while people in deep mourning should cer- 
 tainly avoid gay society, they ought not to be too strictly 
 judged, if, after a decent period of time, they find it to be for 
 their comfort and happiness to see their friends occasionally 
 in a quiet way, or even to seek the consolation of music at 
 concerts. The strictest and most formal mourning is not 
 always the most sincere. In the charming story of " Edel- 
 weiss," the author describes a son, who crushed with grief
 
 MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 261 
 
 for the loss of his mother, finds his only consolation in re- 
 suming work at his trade as soon as the funeral is over ; 
 the neighbors are of course deeply scandalized at his pro- 
 ceedings, as they listen to the tap, tap of his shoemaker's 
 hammer. 
 
 Older people should not expect younger ones to remain in 
 strict seclusion as long a time as they themselves do ; the grief 
 of youth is often very intense, but it does not usually last as 
 long as that of persons of mature years. Moreover, it is a 
 cruel thing to shroud the natural gayety and bright spirits of 
 the young in long-continued mourning and depression. They 
 should of course be willing to pay a proper respect to the 
 memory of the relatives they have lost ; but no young life 
 should be permanently shadowed by grief and sorrow. 
 
 Some gentlemen put on complete suits of black, weeds on 
 their hats, and black gloves, on the loss of any near relation. 
 Most men, however, confine their mourning to a band of 
 crape on the hat, except at the funeral, when they wear black 
 suits and black gloves. Custom varies on this point in 
 different cities. In New York, it is much more common to 
 see gentlemen dressed in mourning than it is in Boston. 
 Men are not expected to seclude themselves from society 
 for so long a period as women, though every one is shocked 
 to see a man appear in the gay world soon after the death 
 of a near relative. A widower often wears black for two 
 years ; it is perhaps needless to state that many men cease to 
 be widowers long before that period is over. The feeling of 
 society, however, is in favor of a man's remaining faithful to 
 the memory of his wife for two years ; longer than that no 
 one expects him to wait before consoling himself. A widow, 
 however, is never quite forgiven by the world at large if she 
 marries again, this difference in our judgments of the con- 
 duct of the two sexes shows plainly a survival of savage ideas 
 in the midst of our boasted civilization.
 
 262 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Some formal people dress children in mourning after the 
 loss of a near relative ; but to most of us it seems positively 
 wrong to depress the spirits of a little one by such solemn 
 garb. Childhood comes but once. God endowed children 
 with a bright and happy spirit ; they cannot understand the 
 meaning of death and sorrow, why need we try to teach it 
 to them ? The compromise of dressing children in white is a 
 rather unpractical and expensive one. 
 
 The custom of putting coachmen and footmen into mourn- 
 ing livery seems a very empty and formal one ; nevertheless 
 among rich people in New York and elsewhere, it is quite 
 customary to do so. It is usual to wear black or quiet colors 
 when attending a funeral. 
 
 When there has been a de'ath in a family, it is customary 
 for friends and acquaintances to call within a month, not 
 with the expectation that they will be received, but merely 
 to show their sympathy. Intimate friends call much sooner, 
 before the funeral, if their intimacy warrants it, or shortly 
 after. They of course ask to see the family ; but no one 
 should feel hurt if mourners, in the first prostration of grief, 
 refuse to see anybody. 
 
 When people in mourning feel ready once more to receive 
 visits, they announce the fact by sending out black-edged 
 cards enclosed in envelopes to those who have called upon 
 them. This is by no means, however, a universal custom, 
 although a convenient one. 
 
 According to an old superstition, it is unlucky for any one 
 to appear at a wedding dressed in black. It is usual, there- 
 fore, even for those in deep mourning, to lay it aside for that 
 one occasion, and to appear in white, gray, or purple, or in 
 other and brighter colors. Of course people who are in deep 
 mourning attend only the weddings of relatives or intimate 
 friends, and would not in any case be present at large or gay 
 wedding receptions. In England, deep red would be worn at
 
 MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 263 
 
 a wedding, as the alternative for mourning, an idea perhaps 
 derived from the Chinese, whose mourning color is red and 
 not hlack. Indeed, an Englishwoman wearing crape will 
 sometimes appear with an artificial red rose stuck in her 
 bonnet. In this country, no one would think of wearing 
 colored artificial flowers, and many people object even to 
 natural flowers of bright colors when worn with mourning. 
 In second mourning, however, it seems quite proper for a 
 lady to wear natural flowers of any color that she pleases, 
 not, of course, in profusion. 
 
 Mourning dress should be left off gradually. It is startling 
 to see a person one day in crapes and the next in bright 
 colors. 
 
 Formal letters of condolence have now gone out of fashion ; 
 even intimate friends confine themselves to writing short 
 notes, in which they strive to express their real sympathy, 
 or to give utterance to some comforting thought, rather than 
 to preach, or inculcate a lesson of resignation, in the old-fash- 
 ioned cruel manner. Sympathy is grateful to almost every 
 one, and we are all glad to hear words of hope and cheer from 
 those who have a true and living faith in things immortal 
 and invisible ; but sorrow brings its own lesson, and seldom 
 do we need additional ones from self-constituted mortal teach- 
 ers, when we are already learning from a Higher Source. It 
 must be added that to many people letters of condolence are 
 only distressing, and serve merely to keep the wound open. 
 If these letters are sent at all, it should be promptly, if 
 possible within a week or two after a death. In that early 
 time of grief, the mourners' hearts are so filled to overflow- 
 ing that they cannot do anything but think and speak of 
 their sorrow. Later on, after they have begun to take up 
 again the business of life, while they may grieve as deeply 
 AS ever, a certain reserve comes over their feelings, which 
 makes it very painful to many people either to read letters
 
 264 SOCIAL CUSTOM?. 
 
 of condolence or to talk about those they have lost. Unless 
 a strong feeling urges them to do so, persons who are not 
 intimate friends should not write these letters ; of course 
 there are exceptions to this rule, notably in the case of public 
 or other well-known characters, where their relatives feel that 
 tributes to their worth and eminence are only right and 
 proper, and to be expected. 
 
 Visits of condolence require much tact on the part of those 
 who pay them, especially where they are made some time 
 after a death has taken place. Unless the visitor is a very 
 intimate friend, it is generally better not to intrude upon the 
 other's sorrow by talking freely on the subject. Rather 
 should one lead the conversation that way, and give the 
 mourner an opportunity if she wishes to speak of her 
 grief and its cause. People differ much in this respect ; to 
 some it is a relief to pour forth their sorrow, and to others it 
 is so painful to do so, that friends must steer a middle course 
 between seeming indifferent and appearing intrusive. Tact, 
 sympathy, and knowledge of a friend's character must dictate 
 what one shall do or say. 
 
 Some well-meaning but thoughtless people will meet an 
 acquaintance who is in deep affliction, in the street, or in a 
 railroad station, and will perhaps say, " I am so sorry to have 
 heard of your trouble ! " Anxious to express their sympathy, 
 they forget how torturing it may be to the other person to 
 have her wound so suddenly probed, and in such a public 
 place, where it would be most unfitting to give way to grief. 
 It is quite possible by look, tone, and manner to indicate the 
 sympathy which time and place forbid one to express. 
 
 Where those who are in affliction have a large circle of 
 relatives and friends, the latter should remember that it may 
 be extremely painful for the mourners to be obliged to 
 recount the circumstances of their loss, and give a detailed 
 account of the last illness and death, over and over again.
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 HOST AND GUEST. 
 
 THE bond between host and guest has in all times been 
 held to be of a peculiar and even sacred character. In ancient 
 Greece hospitality was a matter of religion, and violation of 
 its duties was thought to provoke the wrath of the gods. 
 A stranger was regarded as enjoying the protection of Zeus 
 Xenios, and was received and guarded from harm during his 
 stay. Indeed, the roads were all sacred, and whoever passed 
 over them was the guest of the land. A free lunch even 
 was provided for him, since he was at liberty to take the 
 offerings of food, etc., which were to be found in front of the 
 statues of the tutelary deity of the road, who was generally 
 that prince of thieves, Hermes. 
 
 When the guest parted from his host, a sort of true-love 
 token in the shape of a die was sometimes broken between 
 them. Each took a part, and a family connection was thus 
 established, the broken die serving as a symbol of recognition. 
 The guest was often presented with valuable gifts, which must 
 have been rather troublesome to carry away in those times 
 when express companies had not been invented. The com- 
 mon statement that a stranger was considered as an enemy 
 is said to be a groundless one. 
 
 The Italian races had customs similar to those of the 
 Greeks. Jupiter Hospitalis watched over the jus hospitii, or 
 law of hospitality, and the connection between host and guest 
 often became hereditary. In ancient Rome the law recognized
 
 266 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 between them a tie almost as strong as that which connected 
 patron and client, and a guest could appear in a court of 
 justice only through his host. 
 
 The hospitality of the Hebrews is familiar to us all from 
 the pages of the Bible. Indeed, Oriental hospitality is so 
 sacred in its character, and so picturesque and striking in its 
 details, that it has come to be the source of imagery, and the 
 type of which we all involuntarily think whenever the rela- 
 tions of host and guest are under discussion. As customs in 
 the East have varied so little during many ages, we may still 
 behold and wonder at ceremonies hospitable and otherwise, 
 which have been practised there for countless centuries. To 
 our more emancipated minds, however, the long and ceremoni- 
 ous salutations, the oft-repeated hand-shakings or prostrations, 
 the giving and receiving of endless presents, together with 
 the profound gravity pervading all these and other ceremonies, 
 seem more like child's play than the behavior suitable to full- 
 grown and rational beings. The hospitality of a nation will 
 always exhibit some of its special characteristics. Muni- 
 ficence and elaborate ceremony are the important elements 
 of Oriental hospitality ; but of the real every -day life of his 
 host, a guest travelling in the East necessarily learns very 
 little. 
 
 The Englishman's views of the proper reception and treat- 
 ment of a guest are of a very different sort. Love of liberty 
 and a fondness for domestic life are the strongest or cer- 
 tainly the best traits of the Briton, and he therefore shares 
 with the stranger within his gates what he himself values 
 most ; namely, perfect freedom, and the pleasures of home life, 
 also roast beef and beer in abundance. 
 
 We Americans are so peripatetic in our habits, and so 
 active in our tastes and pursuits, that we sometimes over- 
 weary our guests by the number of amusements provided 
 for their delectation. We fairly kill them with kindness.
 
 HOST AND GUEST. 267 
 
 The French value inordinately the conversational powers 
 with which they themselves are so abundantly gifted. Ac- 
 cordingly they amuse their guests with a vast and never- 
 ending flow of talk, and consider the mere providing of food 
 and drink as a very inferior branch of hospitality. It cer- 
 tainly is ; and the civilization of a nation which holds it 
 necessary above all things to stuff a guest thoroughly and 
 well, as if he were a pig, is on a much lower plane than 
 that of a people whose cardinal social belief is in the necessity 
 and delight of an interchange of thoughts and ideas. 
 
 That was a grave charge which Mr. Alcott brought against 
 the Chelsea philosopher. " I accuse T. Carlyle of inhospital- 
 ity to my thought," said the Concord sage or so the story 
 runs. But no one less optimistic than Mr. Alcott could have 
 hoped that a man holding ideas and theories so widely dif- 
 ferent from his own as did Mr. Carlyle, could even momen- 
 tarily sympathize with his peculiar views. 
 
 The host is necessarily a sort of temporary ruler; if his 
 guests misbehave in any way he is considered responsible for 
 them. Like all rulers, he is liable to be in some degree a 
 tyrant, though perhaps with the best intentions in the world. 
 The old-fashioned host would not think of allowing his 
 guests to leave the house before the proper hour for their 
 departure, and detained them almost by force, all in the 
 exercise of his duty. Nay, he did more than this ; for he 
 often compelled them to drink much more wine than was 
 good for them. 
 
 The modern host is but a shadow of his ancient prototype. 
 Indeed, one of the most striking changes in our manners is to 
 be found in the surrender of the sceptre of hospitality to the 
 hands of women. The host has become of little importance, 
 the hostess is the powerful factor ; and even the invitations 
 for almost all social occasions stand in her name alone. In 
 America our men are too busy to give their time to the con-
 
 268 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 sideration of social matters. Besides, the women wish to rule, 
 and the men of our country, with the latter-day common- 
 sense sort of chivalry that distinguishes them above all 
 others, think it only fair to grant us this privilege. They 
 bear in mind the French proverb, " Les hommes font les lois, 
 les fenimes font les mceurs," and for the most part submit to 
 the petticoat government of society without a murmur. Here 
 and there a gentleman of leisure, endowed with social talent, 
 aspires to leadership in the world of fashion; but he finds 
 it a thankless task. A few people recognize his services, but 
 the many are inclined to make fun of and sneer at him. 
 " A government of the women, by the women, for the women," 
 is our social motto in America ; and with the conservatism 
 peculiar to a republic, we do not readily abandon our 
 creed. 
 
 While hospitality is undoubtedly a duty, it loses half its 
 charm the moment people cease to look upon it as a pleasure. 
 A conscientious but unwilling host is like those virtuous and 
 austere persons who make goodness hateful because they 
 practise it in such a disagreeable way. Nor should a truly 
 hospitable person keep too strict a debit and credit account 
 with society, inviting his guests in order to clear off his 
 social debts, instead of for the pleasure of seeing and enter- 
 taining them. "I can always tell," said a witty Boston 
 woman, "whether a party has been made to pay off social 
 obligations, or merely for the fun of the thing. Where the 
 people are all uncongenial spirits, and bore their hostess and 
 each other half to death, it is very evident why they were 
 asked together." 
 
 Such a company will be much like a meal that is planned 
 for the sole purpose of " eating up " what is in the house, or 
 like a costume gotten up to wear out various heterogene- 
 ous garments that have no real relation to each other. 
 Economy is an excellent minor virtue ; but it is not noble
 
 HOST AND GUEST. 269 
 
 enough to stand in the first place, and should always be 
 gracefully concealed beneath some loftier motive. The spirit 
 which cannot brook being under obligations even to a friend 
 is certainly a churlish one. It is better at least it is more 
 independent than the spirit which permits a person to re- 
 ceive favors constantly without a thought of doing anything 
 in return, but either is undesirable. It is just as noble to 
 receive a kindness gracefully, though without servility, as to 
 give generously, yet not in a patronizing spirit. Indeed, only 
 a generous nature understands either how to give or to re- 
 ceive. The man who knows the blessedness of giving is 
 willing that his friends shall know it also. 
 
 How much pleasure do we lose in this life by the persist- 
 ent habit of regarding certain duties as disagreeable which 
 often prove to be just the reverse ! " I have sixty calls to 
 make during this month ; how I hate the thought ! " says 
 some lady with a large circle of acquaintance. She starts out 
 to make her round of visits, in the stern spirit of a martyr, 
 rejoices greatly because eleven of her friends are "not- at 
 home," but has a delightful time with the single friend who 
 is not out ! 
 
 One old friend called upon another, not a thousand miles 
 from Boston, and was exceedingly amused by a memorandum 
 which was placed in the lady's bedroom in a conspicuous 
 position. It was written in a large hand, and read, " Must 
 go to see So-and-so." The visitor was Mrs. So-and-so 
 herself ! 
 
 Some hosts entertain their guests with so much energy, and 
 are so extremely conscientious about providing amusements 
 of various kinds, that they are completely worn out by the 
 time their friends leave. They dread having company be- 
 cause it implies to their minds a vast amount of fatigue and 
 exertion. Such people have but one idea in regard to hos- 
 pitality ; namely, that it consists in killing the fatted calf,
 
 270 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 which they proceed to do in every sense, and with great thor- 
 oughness. Indeed, they offer up as a sort of holocaust to the 
 visitor the time, comfort, and convenience of the entire 
 household, as far, that is to say, as the individual members 
 of it will permit themselves to be sacrificed. 
 
 All this is a very mistaken notion of hospitality, and often 
 proves as burdensome to the guest as to the host. Unless a 
 person is extremely unobservant or extremely selfish it will 
 make him very uncomfortable to find that every one else 
 is put about simply for his convenience ; and the feeling of 
 unrest which pervades the household will communicate itself 
 to him also. The good old saying, " Make yourself at home," 
 how much it implies ! But a guest cannot feel at home 
 where no one else feels so, where every one is uncomfort- 
 able, and all ordinary arrangements are turned topsy-turvy. 
 If an atmosphere of self-sacrifice fills the air, the stranger 
 within the gates will inhale it, and he too will be in the 
 prevailing mood. What an artificial and " strained " state of 
 affairs this will bring about, most of us know from sad 
 experience. 
 
 In order to make the guest feel " at home," the host must 
 feel so himself. No one would think of leaving his house, 
 when he expected company, in order that the guests might 
 have it all to themselves; it would not be hospitable to do 
 so. Neither is it true hospitality to abandon all one's ordi- 
 nary habits and ways of life. Your friend wants to see you 
 in your own home and in your own home-life, modified for 
 his behoof and convenience, but not turned inside out and 
 upside down. The family skeleton, if there is one, may as 
 well be put in the closet, and family jars may be shelved for 
 a time, with advantage. 
 
 How blessed is that household whose every-day life is so 
 harmonious and well-regulated that no unsightly bones have 
 to be hidden away on the sudden approach of guests ! I
 
 HOST AND GUEST. 271 
 
 know of one such home, where the sun always shines in 
 hearts and faces, where the children behave well every day, 
 and the parents never quarrel. The motto of this house is, 
 to use the best every day. The best manners, the best tem- 
 pers, the best silver, china, glass, and linen you will see there, 
 not on holidays only, but on working-days as well ; and all 
 the visitors who are lucky enough to stay at that house re- 
 gard it as the ideal home, and the most delightful place in 
 the world to visit. 
 
 It is in the country, of course. "We must go to the country 
 to find our ideal of hospitality ; in town, people are so hur- 
 ried and busy, and have so many other pleasures, that they 
 cannot enjoy the full measure of hospitality which is given 
 and received in quiet country places. You must have a 
 desert before you can have an oasis ; and it has been cynically 
 asserted that the far-famed hospitality of our own South was 
 due largely to the isolated and lonely position of those who 
 exercised it, people who lived on great plantations forty or 
 fifty miles from any possible society. This is not quite just 
 to our Southern brethren, because people who live lonely 
 lives in quiet places are not always hospitably inclined ; if 
 they are naturally fond of dwelling alone the tendency will 
 grow with what it feeds on, until an almost churlish spirit 01 
 seclusion and great social indolence will be developed. 
 
 What a picture does Susan Coolidge give, in her " What 
 Katy Did," of the miseries suffered by two little girls who 
 go to visit a kind but fat and lazy old woman in the 
 country ! The poor little souls are given a hot attic-chamber, 
 with a feather-bed to sleep on, and a window provided with 
 a rattling paper shade, but without mosquito -bars, all this 
 in the middle of summer ! They find the butter melt- 
 ing into oil, nothing on the table that they can eat, and 
 flies, flies everywhere ! The old woman beams kindly on 
 them when she is not asleep ; but age and adipose prevent
 
 272 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 her ever ascending her own stairs to attend to her guests' 
 comfort. 
 
 A very important rule of hospitality is not to invite people 
 to visit you unless you can make them comfortable. It is 
 generally unwise to invite any one to stay under your roof, 
 who is accustomed to a much more elaborate and expensive 
 style of living than your own. Of course there are excep- 
 tions to this rule ; where, for instance, you can offer other 
 attractions to your visitor which should more than compen- 
 sate for the plainer mode of life. If your summer cottage is 
 on the sea-shore, or in any very attractive locality, you will 
 find most of your friends very willing to endure a little in- 
 convenience for the sake of enjoying a whiff of the salt air. 
 Young people are usually not very particular about their 
 accommodations, as long as they are offered " a real good 
 time," in school-girl parlance. There are some young girls 
 who are so pampered and luxurious, however, that they 
 cannot be happy in any surroundings save those to which 
 they are accustomed. Hence a wise hostess will carefully 
 consider the character as well as the age and social condition 
 of the guests whom she proposes to invite. She will also en- 
 deavor to give them, as far as is in her power, the comforts and 
 conveniences to which they have been accustomed at home. 
 The guests on their part should endeavor to give as little 
 trouble as possible, and should conform their habits to those 
 of the household of which they are temporarily members. 
 They should be especially careful to be punctual at all 
 meals, and not to treat their friends' servants as if the lat- 
 ter were their own, sending them on errands or calling upon 
 them for special services. To do so would be to commit an 
 unwarrantable breach of the laws ot etiquette. 
 
 Mrs. Kemble relates in her journal that Mademoiselle 
 D'Este (an unfortunate lady whose principal aim in life ap- 
 pears to have been the assertion of claims to royal dignity
 
 HOST AND GUEST. 273 
 
 which were never allowed) used regularly to come down 
 late to dinner when visiting at the country-houses of the 
 English nobility. She knew that if she entered the dining- 
 room with the rest of the company, the precedence whicli 
 she considered her due might not be awarded her, and she 
 was determined that no mere duchess or countess should go 
 into dinner before herself. Therefore she entered alone, 
 after every one else was seated, making a graceful inclination 
 to her host, and an apology for her perpetual tardiness ! 
 
 In this country it is not considered polite to take a valet 
 or maid when going to make a visit at a friend's house, un- 
 less one has received special permission to do so. 
 
 A visitor should be extremely careful not to overstay the 
 time for which he was originally invited, unless under extraor- 
 dinary circumstances. When the day fixed for the depar- 
 ture arrives, a hostess often makes some polite remarks, to 
 the effect that she is sorry her guest must go so soon, etc. 
 This is said merely by way of compliment ; but some young 
 people who are careless and thoughtless allow themselves to 
 be very easily persuaded to prolong their stay, if urged by 
 the daughters or sons of the house to do so, forgetting that 
 their invitation should come from the hostess herself, and 
 that it must be more than ordinarily pressing before they are 
 justified in changing the limit originally set for their stay. 
 In England, guests at a country-house are invited always for 
 a definite length of time, and on the appointed day the car- 
 riage drives up and the guest departs without peradventure. 
 In this country, we are not always so exact. Where guests 
 are invited to visit friends at a distance, a visit is usually 
 supposed to be of a week's duration, if no time has been fixed ; 
 but an invitation for a few days may mean anything from 
 two days to a week. According to the old English rule, a 
 first visit should never exceed a week. 
 
 If a hostess wishes her friends to call upon her guest, she 
 18
 
 274 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 should let them know beforehand at what time her visitor is 
 expected, so that they may have plenty of time to offer any 
 social attention which they may be inclined to show. The 
 best way to secure other invitations for a guest, is to invite 
 friends to meet her in the early part of her visit, issuing the 
 invitations before her arrival ; for, if she is to remain only a 
 week, and people are not invited to meet her until the middle 
 of the visit, they will have scant time to show her any hos- 
 pitable attentions. " You are going day after to-morrow ? 
 I am so sorry ! If you were only to stay longer, I should be 
 so glad to see you at our house," etc. A hostess often hears 
 remarks of this sort made, and laments her own tardiness, 
 which has destroyed all these charming possibilities for her 
 guest's entertainment. 
 
 It is always proper to write and ask if one may bring a 
 friend who is staying in the house, if one is invited to a ball, 
 reception, or any large general occasion where an indefinite 
 number of people are to be present. One or two, more or less, 
 will make no difference in the hostess' arrangements for such 
 an event. But it is not proper, under ordinary circumstances, 
 to ask leave to bring a guest to a dinner or formal luncheon 
 party, for obvious reasons. A hostess should not go out to 
 dine, or spend the evening, unless her guest is invited also, 
 or has some other amusement provided. Where the guest is 
 an intimate friend, or constantly receives and accepts separate 
 invitations, this rule is often waived. 
 
 It is not polite to invite a guest to any general entertain- 
 ment without also inviting the lady under whose roof the for- 
 mer is staying. Even for a luncheon or dinner-party it is more 
 polite to invite the hosts also whenever it is possible to do so. 
 
 When calling upon a guest, a card must invariably be left 
 for the lady of the house also, as has been said elsewhere. 
 Where one card only is left, it is always held to be for the 
 hostess.
 
 HOST AND GUEST. 275 
 
 While one should endeavor to procure invitations and pro- 
 vide pleasant amusements for a guest, it is a great mistake to 
 attempt to lay out all his time, or to try to entertain him all 
 day long. It is said that the English understand to perfec- 
 tion the art or want of art that is necessary to entertain 
 guests at a country-house. Everything about the house and 
 grounds is put at their disposal ; they may walk, drive, read, 
 play billiards, smoke, or shoot, to suit themselves. In short, 
 they may employ their time as they please until the late 
 dinner-hour brings all together. In the evening every one 
 is expected to remain in the drawing-rooms, and to contrib- 
 ute, as far as in him lies, to the general amusement of the 
 company. 
 
 There is one great drawback to the pleasure of visiting at 
 English country-seats, and that is the great expense it en- 
 tails on account of the vicious system of fees. At a first- 
 class house, belonging to one of the nobility or gentry, a 
 pound sterling is the smallest fee that it is allowable to give ; 
 and this sum must be given freely to every servant who has 
 performed any service, even the slightest, for a guest, such 
 as the porter who has barely laid hands on one's portemanteau. 
 A game-keeper must be feed on a much higher scale ; twenty- 
 five dollars is the least amount of money some of these digni- 
 taries will accept ! It is said that the English nobility 
 themselves regret the existence of this system of extortion, 
 but have not the power to stop it. Jeemes, with all his airs 
 of humility, is in reality more of a despot than his master, 
 the hereditary ruler. 
 
 As I take my leave of host and guest, there rises before 
 me the well-known figure of one who is an ideal hostess, and 
 on whose face there is a look of reproach which seems to say, 
 " Am not I too worthy of mention 1 " She is a woman of 
 tall and commanding figure, of ancient family, and of ample 
 worldly means. All these advantages she uses, not to awe
 
 276 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 or humble other people, but to minister to their pleasure, 
 to give them the best of all she has. To entertain her friends 
 is her greatest delight, and the absence of any invited 
 guest causes her a real and unfeigned regret. As the hour 
 for the feast approaches, her face fairly beams with the anti- 
 cipation of the pleasure which she is to afford others. " Good- 
 will to men" is written there in letters of light, and each 
 guest says to himself, as he looks at the bright, happy coun- 
 tenance, " I am truly welcomed ; how can I help enjoying 
 myself? " 
 
 It takes two or three real persons, however, to make an 
 ideal, and since the task has been begun, I must mention 
 one more very charming hostess who has the art of entertain- 
 ing her guests so that all are pleased, whether she is holding 
 a stately reception or an informal picnic in the woods. This 
 lady enjoys society, not perhaps with the fervor of youth, 
 but with a more quiet and enduring satisfaction. Her spirits 
 rise as her guests assemble ; indeed no woman ever becomes 
 a social leader unless she takes real pleasure in meeting with 
 her kind. 
 
 This lady has the art of compounding into a harmonious 
 whole heterogeneous elements which could not be fused save 
 by a master hand. With an apparent madness which yet has 
 its method she mingles artists, poets, and mere society people 
 in her magic caldron. Over all plays the benevolent light- 
 ning of her scintillating wit, and literary men and fashion- 
 able women find an unsuspected charm in each other's society 
 while galvanized by the electric current of her social sympathy 
 and power. Do more figures loom before me on the social 
 horizon ] Alas ! it was a rash act to summon one spirit from 
 the great army of charming women. But I will hold parley 
 with no more ghosts to-day ; " ab uno disce omnes."
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 
 
 PEOPLE who live in the country often make the mistake of 
 endeavoring to entertain their guests in city fashion. They 
 think that nothing else will suit their town-bred friends ; 
 or perhaps they themselves have an overweening admiration 
 for city life and all that pertains to it. Hence country cousins 
 indulge in an imitation which is of course the sincerest 
 flattery, but is nevertheless apt to be disastrous. 
 
 We go to the country because we are tired of the town ; 
 and we hope to find there, not a second or third rate repro- 
 duction of ways of life with which we are wearily familiar, 
 but something new and different, change, rest, and quiet, 
 refreshing communion Avith Xature, and a mode of life less 
 artificial than a city existence must of necessity be. We 
 wish, of course, to find refinement of life and manners 
 wherever we go, but in the country the heart of man longs 
 for simplicity ; alas ! the longing is usually a vain one. 
 Few dwellers in the country have the common-sense of 
 Shakspeare's Shepherd, who says : " Those that are good 
 manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the 
 behavior of the country is most mockable at the court." 
 
 Manners do not need to be radically changed under differing 
 circumstances, but to be adapted property to time and place. 
 Happy is the man whose manners fit his situation in life, 
 who can take a lower room, if such be the change fate brings
 
 278 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 him, without loss of dignity, and who can take a higher station 
 without any assumption of arrogance or pride. 
 
 Every change in our circumstances must bring some 
 change in our manners ; it depends on ourselves, very largely, 
 whether the change is for the better or the worse. Emerson 
 says : 
 
 " Manners are the revealers of secrets, the betrayers of any 
 disproportion or want of symmetry in mind and character. 
 It is the law of our constitution that every change in our ex- 
 perience instantly indicates itself on our countenance and 
 carriage, as the lapse of time tells itself on the face of a clock. 
 "We may be too obtuse to read it, but the record is there. 
 Some men may be obtuse to read it, but some men are not 
 obtuse and do read it." 
 
 In our own country, fortunes change hands so constantly, 
 and with such startling rapidity, that many men and women 
 have their characters, and consequently their manners, put 
 to a severe test. Of the two extremes, a sudden rise in 
 fortune is a greater test of good breeding, I think, than a 
 sudden fall. It takes greater strength to ascend than to 
 descend, and we demand greater things of a successful man 
 than we do of a defeated one. We worship the rising sun ; 
 but our sympathies are with the sunset, and we admire it 
 more than we do its gaudy and boastful brother of the early 
 morning. 
 
 A lady dined, not long ago, with some friends in the 
 country who had shortly before received a large accession 
 to their fortune and had built unto themselves a new house, 
 wider, more costly, more elegant in its appointments than 
 their former residence. On her return home she was closely 
 questioned about her hosts and their new abode ; and she 
 said much in praise of all the new finery, but with a certain 
 reserve in her encomiums. "Weren't they cordial were 
 they haughty?" said the inquisitor of the home-circle. " Yes,
 
 COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 279 
 
 yes," was the answer, " they were everything that was kind 
 and cordial but but they are n't big or grand enough 
 for their new house ! " which was a homely way of saying 
 that their manners had not grown yet to suit their altered 
 circumstances. 
 
 Some people never do change their manners, whatever may 
 happen to their outer circumstances. It is said that at least 
 one bonanza millionnaire of California retains his early sim- 
 plicity of demeanor, although living in a palace fit for a 
 prince. His wife, recognizing her own inability to be or ap- 
 pear like a fine lady, remains just as she was in the old days 
 of poverty, and seems more like a respectable upper servant 
 than the mistress of untold millions. Of course there is a 
 striking incongruity between the demeanor of this worthy 
 couple and their palatial surroundings ; nevertheless they 
 are much more respected than they would be if they tried 
 unsuccessfully to ape the manners of another class, and to 
 bridge over the fatal gaps in their early training and educa- 
 tion. There are some gaps so wide that no social engineer 
 has skill enough to throw a span across them. 
 
 But we are wandering from our main theme, the manners 
 suitable to a country life. It goes without saying that New- 
 port and other gay watering-places do not and in the na- 
 ture of things cannot have much in common with the real 
 country, either in manners or in the general way of life. 
 Still, even here, there is a growing tendency toward the ultra 
 imitation of city life, which many people deplore. Rugged 
 Mount Desert itself is becoming too stereotyped to suit the taste 
 of these latter. They say and with good reason that 
 they do not wish to spend the summer in a roiind of visit- 
 ing, and perpetual condition of dress parade, in a mere rep- 
 etition, in fact, of the doings of the winter's gay season. 
 When Bishop Heber wrote, 
 
 "Though every prospect pleases, and only inau is vile,"
 
 280 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 it is just possible that he had in his mind the environs of a 
 fashionable watering-place, the splendid equipages, gorgeous 
 toilets, and bored expression of countenance of the gay dames 
 and their cavaliers, contrasting incongruously with the quiet 
 green fields and pastures, and the peaceful cattle taking their 
 ease therein. 
 
 Thackeray describes in his own inimitable manner the 
 pitiful humbug, and striving after effect of a foolish family 
 who live in the country. These people endeavor to keep 
 up a style'nf living far beyond their means, and to consort 
 with persons much richer and more fashionable than them- 
 selves. Hence they are driven to all sorts of petty subter- 
 fuges, in order to conceal their real manner of life ; and live 
 poorly and meanly in private, that they may make an occa- 
 sional grand display before half a dozen county families. 
 
 The mother and daughter are " caught" by some of their 
 grand acquaintances when in the act of trimming their own 
 vines and fig-trees, and rush into the house by the back door, 
 vainly hoping that they have not been seen in their old 
 clothes ! 
 
 Furthermore, they disgust the guest of the household (an 
 old friend from town) by constant and tedious would-be 
 fashionable talk, as well as by giving him an endless succes- 
 sion of dinners made from the family pig, relieved by sour 
 beer and poor wine. 
 
 Yes, all this humbug and sham we find in the city too ; 
 but contemptible as it is everywhere, it is nowhere so much 
 so as in the presence of the woods and fields and hills, where 
 Dame Nature's broad smile invites us constantly to be at one 
 with her, and to abandon all shallow pretences. 
 
 If a lady likes to tend her own flower-beds and prune her 
 own vines, by all means let her do so, and let her not be 
 foolish enough to feel any shame if she is seen engaged in so 
 sensible a pursuit. If she wears a neat garden-hat, and a
 
 COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 281 
 
 pretty, becoming calico dress, it does n't matter who sees her 
 at her work. But just here lies another difficulty ; namely, 
 that many persons think any dress is good enough to work 
 in, no matter ho\v old, shabby, and soiled it may be. This 
 is a most unsound theory, and one which has more than a 
 little to do with making people feel ashamed of work. 
 
 No matter what one is doing or where one is going, it is a 
 part of self-respect to be dressed neatly and in whole raiment ; 
 and it is surprising to find how seldom it is necessary to 
 wear soiled or shabby clothes if one only determines not to 
 do so. With a good big apron, gloves, and short skirts, one 
 may even work in the garden, set out flowers and water 
 them, and look little the worse for it. A person who 
 thinks any clothes are good enough to work in does not 
 appreciate the dignity of labor. 
 
 The difficulty of procuring good butcher's meat is apt to 
 be a serious stumbling-block in the real country ; and when 
 Thackeray sounds a note of woe apropos of being obliged (in 
 the person of his hero) to feed extensively on the family pig, he 
 touches a chord to which many a heart will thrill responsively. 
 Country hosts should remember that guests from the city are 
 accustomed to plenty of fresh meat, and to meat that is not 
 tough. But if the host cannot procure tender meat, he can 
 at least avoid frying beefsteaks, and roasting beef and mutton 
 to death. Beefsteak should always be broiled over a clear 
 fire and always cooked rare, as also in a lesser degree 
 should mutton-chops. 
 
 A guest at a country-house should be somewhat forbear- 
 ing, and not unmindful of the difficulties that encompass a 
 rural purveyor. It would not be polite, for instance, to 
 copy the behavior of a certain lady who drove several miles 
 into the country to visit some friends, and who accepted 
 their invitation to stay and take " pot-luck " with them. 
 Roast lamb made its appearance upon the dinner-table, and
 
 282 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 was duly offered to the guest of the occasion. What were 
 the feelings of the hostess and her family when their guest 
 said in an oracular tone, " My grandmother Jones never 
 could eat lamb, and 7 never can ! " Luckily a small side- 
 dish of chicken saved the hosts from utter confusion and 
 disgrace ; but supposing that there had been no chicken, 
 what then] 
 
 In that case they would have been obliged to fall back 
 upon their fruit and vegetables, which, with plenty of fresh 
 milk, cream, butter, and eggs, must always form the chief 
 strongholds of a country table. People who eat vegetables 
 and fruit fresh from their own gardens every day, do not 
 realize what a treat they are constantly enjoying. If they did 
 they certainly would not, like some unwise country house- 
 keepers, take endless trouble to make elaborate desserts and 
 an infinite variety of cake, neglecting the delicious fruit at 
 their very doors, or perhaps (to the still greater vexation of 
 their guests) putting it all into the preserving-kettle to coldly 
 furnish forth next winter's tea-table. Cream, butter, milk, 
 eggs, fruit, vegetables, chickens, let the country house- 
 keeper have these written on her heart of hearts ; and 
 whatever else she may add thereto, she must never take 
 these away, but remember that they are her crowning glory, 
 and should always be of the best quality. 
 
 Next, let her have her table and indeed all her house 
 cheerful and fragrant with fresh flowers. Of course it is 
 her sacred duty to have a flower as well as a vegetable gar- 
 den, and she should not forget to have her children gather 
 the wild flowers whose delicate beauty is sought for vainly in 
 the dusty town. 
 
 Let her call in the aid of the sun, too, to make her house 
 bright and cheerful. It is far better that carpets and cur- 
 tains should fade a little than that human beings should 
 droop and pine in dim, secluded chambers. Of course, iu ex-
 
 COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 283 
 
 tremely hot weather blinds must be closed in the middle of 
 the day; but there is a vast deal too much closing of shutters 
 in our part of the world, notably in the Middle States. 
 
 Wherever and whenever mosquitoes congregate, it is very 
 desirable that guests should have mosquito nets provided for 
 their beds. These can be made quite inexpensively by taking 
 the frame of an old umbrella and covering it with double 
 netting; around the edge of this as a centre two or more 
 breadths of netting should be sewn. They should be long 
 enough to reach nearly to the floor. The whole fabric should 
 be suspended from a hook in the ceiling, and may be drawn 
 up in the daytime for the sake of convenience. 
 
 It is quite interesting to know that the ancient Egyptians 
 not only were troubled with mosquitoes, but were sagacious 
 enough to use mosquito nets ! Herodotus says : 
 
 " They have the following contrivance to protect them- 
 selves from the mosquitoes, which abound very much. The 
 towers are of great service to those who inhabit the upper 
 parts of the marshes, for the mosquitoes are prevented by the 
 winds from flying high ; but those who live round the 
 marshes have contrived another expedient. . . . Every man 
 has a net with which in the day he takes fish, and at night 
 uses it in. the following manner : in whatever bed he sleeps 
 he throws the net around it, and then getting in sleeps under 
 it ; if he should wrap himself up in his clothes or in linen 
 the mosquitoes would bite through them, but they never 
 attempt to bite through the net." 
 
 After the country housekeeper has provided her city guest 
 with a comfortable sleeping apartment, she should take care 
 that the latter is not aroused " at the screech of dawn " with 
 the crowing of roosters, the clatter of the maid-servants and 
 children, and other noises that seem to begin at such a very 
 early hour in the country. A guest who is truly polite will 
 always come down at the family breakfast-hour, unless it be
 
 284 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 in luxurious houses where breakfast is a movable feast, and 
 every one can have a cup of tea and a roll in his own room 
 if he prefers to do so. 
 
 As it is now fashionable to begin breakfast with a course 
 of fruit, the country hostess should surely follow this whole- 
 some custom, placing before her guests melons, peaches, or 
 whatever fruit is in season. For the rest she should remem- 
 ber that people's appetites are sharpened by the fresh air of 
 the country, and that the dishes provided should therefore 
 be rather more substantial in character than those that are 
 prescribed for a city table by the present fashion. 
 
 Still, it must be admitted that here " doctors disagree." 
 At the country-seats of some rich families, whose eyes are 
 ever turned city-ward in admiration and longing, you will 
 find the menu at every meal exactly what it would be in the 
 most fashionable city dwelling, and you will be helped to an 
 unlimited amount of china and genteel fragments of food 
 during an hour or two, three times a day. 
 
 Almost every one prefers to dine early in the country in 
 summer, for a late dinner is sure to interfere with the pleas- 
 ures of the afternoon riding, driving, etc. tmless the 
 hour is set extremely late, at eight or nine o'clock. Tea, 
 therefore, becomes a very important meal in out-of-town 
 households ; that is, " high " " or stout " tea. It is a pity 
 that this cheerful meal has almost disappeared from city life, 
 driven out both by fashion and necessity, since business men 
 in our large cities can no longer come home to two o'clock 
 dinner as they did five-and-twenty years ago. 
 
 For " high tea " a white table-cloth should be used. The 
 tea and coffee equipages stand before the mistress of the house, 
 or sometimes are placed one at each end of the table. It 
 certainly looks more cheerful to have tea made on the table ; 
 the simmering of the tea-urn, the actual presence of the fire 
 even of an alcohol lamp give to the occasion a home-like
 
 COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 285 
 
 air which otherwise would be wanting. Tea also tastes bet- 
 ter when made in this way ; but the process entails addi- 
 tional trouble upon the hostess, who already has no light task 
 to perform. To be able to talk to guests and pour out tea 
 and coffee, perhaps to flavor them as well, all at the 
 same time, demands great nimbleness of wits. Most hostesses 
 are sincerely thankful to those guests who are so considerate 
 as " not to speak to the woman at the wheel " until she has 
 finished the dread libation. 
 
 The table should be ornamented with fruits and flowers, 
 but not in the formal fashion of a dinner-party. Preserves, 
 honey, etc., in dishes of cut glass or handsome china may 
 stand about the table, and also plenty of fruit, in the season. 
 Hot biscuits, muffins, crumpets, waffles, etc., are in their 
 greatest glory at the hour of tea, and should succeed one 
 another in relays, so that they may be always " piping hot." 
 Confectioner's cake or nice home-made cake also stand upon 
 the table. The more solid dishes cold ham, escaloped 
 oysters, chickens cold, fricasseed, or fried, moulded tongue, 
 omelet, salads, and cold meats of various kinds may either 
 be helped by the servants from the sideboard or placed on 
 the table and served by the master of the house, assisted by 
 other members of the family ; the hostess during the earlier 
 part of the meal at least, will have her hands too full with 
 pouring out tea and coffee to do much else. 
 
 Vegetable salads of various kinds are always welcomed on 
 the tea-table, and are preferred by many housekeepers be- 
 cause they can be prepared beforehand. But there must 
 be some hot dishes on the tea-table, otherwise the feast will 
 be an imperfect one. It suffices, however, to have hot bread 
 or cakes of some sort, and to have the meats, etc., cold, where 
 this arrangement is the most convenient one. In that de- 
 lightfully primitive city, Philadelphia, tea-drinkings still occa- 
 sionally take place, though even here their glory is departing ;
 
 286 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 they must be accompanied by at least two substantial dishes, 
 oysters and chickens, for instance, or they are not con- 
 sidered to be comme-il-faut in the Quaker city. 
 
 At the seaside, fresh fish nicely broiled is excellent on the 
 tea-table, as are also lobsters, crabs, clams, etc. Cream and 
 cottage cheeses, curds and whey, and other preparations of 
 milk are liked by many people. They certainly look cool, 
 refreshing, and seasonable, and are usually considered very 
 wholesome. 
 
 If one is invited out to take tea at Newport one will sit 
 down to what is a dinner in all but the name. The floral 
 decorations will be more simple, but otherwise the tea will 
 be in reality a diner & la Russe, perhaps with seventeen 
 courses. 
 
 Every house in the country must of course be provided 
 with a wide piazza if the inmates intend to have either com- 
 fort or pleasure. In the hot summer evenings guests should 
 be allowed to sit on the veranda, when they show a dispo- 
 sition to do so, and not be dragged into a hot parlor, will- 
 they, nill-they, to take part in a game of cards. 
 
 Now that the guitar and mandolin have again come into 
 fashion, they fill very pleasantly a " long-felt want " in the 
 summer evenings. Many young ladies sing simple ballads 
 and folk-songs under the moon to the tinkling of the guitar, 
 and every one is pleased. The same music heard in the 
 prosy atmosphere of the drawing-room under the glaring gas- 
 light would perhaps sound tame ; but in the open air it takes 
 very little to make us contented.
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 IN THE STREET. 
 
 AMERICAN women are so much accustomed to receiving the 
 utmost courtesy and consideration at the hands of men, 
 they are so well used to breathing the air of freedom from 
 their very birth, that they sometimes forget how great are 
 their actual privileges, and grumble because they have not 
 others which would no doubt be pleasant to possess, could we 
 have everything as we would like to have it in this transitory 
 sphere. 
 
 American men are more truly chivalrous than any others 
 upon earth ; their respect for womankind is not only very 
 deep, but entirely unaffected. It is a part of their education, 
 almost of their nature, and to it we women owe among other 
 things that priceless boon, the freedom to go about where 
 and in whatever way we please. 
 
 In no large European city is it safe or proper for a lady to 
 walk abroad alone; yet in America our women not only enjoy 
 this inestimable privilege, but many others of the same kind. 
 How great would be the surprise of a foreigner of distinction 
 if he should happen to catch a glimpse of the interior of a 
 Boston horse-car, at that time in the evening when ^the con- 
 tinued performances at the theatres and concert halls have 
 just come to an end ! If you should tell him that those 
 groups of ladies without any attendant cavalier belonged to 
 " Boston's best," and that the friendly horse-car would carry 
 them safe and unmolested almost to their very doors, he would
 
 288 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 scarcely believe the testimony of his ears ! In New York, 
 with its large foreign population, ladies do not like to go out 
 in the evening without an escort ; but "in dear old Boston, 
 thanks to the Puritans, and to the glorious system of radiating 
 horse-cars, two or three ladies together can with perfect safety 
 and propriety go to lectures, concerts, etc. It goes without 
 saying that I am not now speaking of very young girls, who 
 should always be under the charge of some older person. 
 
 : Since we have this most desirable privilege of going out 
 henever we please to breathe the fresh air, we certainly 
 ought not to abuse it. Few things are more distasteful 
 than a party of young women making themselves conspicuous 
 in public places by loud talk and laughter. If they are care- 
 less enough to attract attention in this way they must not be 
 surprised if they bring upon themselves rude notice from 
 some of the other sex^ 
 
 : There is a form of folly quite prevalent in New York which 
 ems to be peculiar to the place. It is for women who are 
 entirely respectable and well-behaved members of society to 
 imitate the dress of a fast and loud class, because they think it- 
 is rather knowing to do so. Thus, one will often see a middle- 
 aged, quiet-looking woman resplendent with gold-dyed hair 
 and a very showy costume, the incongruity between the gar- 
 ments and their wearer being quite startling. It seems per- 
 fectly incredible that such a woman should imagine her 
 theatrical appearance to be stylish, appropriate, and in " good 
 form ; " yet evidently this is her belief, for otherwise why 
 should she array herself after this manner? Xo one inten- 
 tionally makes a scarecrow of herself unless it be on the 
 
 stage. | 
 
 Great freedom of taste in the matter of street costume is 
 certainly allowed in this country. Fifty years ago Charles 
 Dickens commented on the bright colors and silk dresses worn 
 by ladies in the streets of our cities. The same phenomena
 
 IN THE STREET. 289 
 
 v 
 
 may still be observed. Ladies of good taste and innate refine- 
 ment, however, now avoid wearing showy costume* and bril- 
 liant colors when they go out, especially when on a shopping 
 tour, or to visit the business part of a city. For walking or 
 paying visits on Fifth Avenue in New York, or Beacon 
 Street in Boston, it is allowable to dress more handsomely ; 
 but the tendency of fashion during the last few years has 
 been undeniably in the right direction, namely, toward ' 
 wearing quiet and simple attire in the street. 
 
 In this country a lady does not take a gentleman's arm 
 when walking with him in the daytime. The protection it 
 gives is unnecessary, and American women always prefer to 
 be independent as far as possible. It was formerly the cus- 
 tom for a married or betrothed couple to walk arm-in-arm ; 
 but it is now thought old-fashioned to do so, especially for two 
 fiances. In the evening, a gentleman should always offer his 
 arm to the lady he is escorting, and she may accept it or not, 
 as she chooses ; in large cities, it is customary for her to 
 accept the courtesy. If a gentleman is walking with two 
 ladies, one only should take his arm, and both should walk 
 on the same side of him. The spectacle of a " Lynn couple," 
 or a thorn between two roses, always makes people smile. 
 Where it is necessary for protection, however, or where the 
 ladies are infirm and elderly, or the walking very slippery, a 
 gentleman should not hesitate to offer an arm to each of them, 
 even if it may make him appear rather ridiculous to do so. 
 An English contemporary gravely remarks that no lady 
 should overtake the arms of two gentlemen at once, we 
 might add, unless she were learning to skate. When walking 
 with a lady, a gentleman takes the curbstone side of the 
 street and offers to carry any parcels she may have in her 
 hands. In a crowded thoroughfare he takes the left side, 
 to shield her from the elbows of passers-by. If she bows to 
 any lady or gentleman, he bows also, and removes his hat, 
 
 19
 
 290 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 even if it be to salute a person with whom he is entirely un- 
 acquainted. He does this. as a token of respect to his com- 
 panion and her friends. A gentleman should always remove 
 his hat when bowing to a lady. He should do so with his 
 left hand in order to leave the right hand free, where he has 
 reason to expect that she will shake hands with him. If he 
 has no such expectation, he will take off his hat with the 
 hand that is farthest from her, unless it is especially incon- 
 venient to do so. 
 
 A lady always bows first in this country, as in England. 
 On the continent of Europe the reverse is the case. Where 
 a lady and gentleman know each other very well, the recogni- 
 tion is of course practically simultaneous ; but in the case of an 
 ordinary acquaintance the gentleman always waits until the 
 lady bows. It has been suggested that young men should 
 recall themselves to recollection by bowing first to ladies who 
 have entertained them, and who are older than themselves. 
 This might perhaps be permissible as an acknowledgment of 
 past hospitality; but if the lady were young, it would be 
 considered a great liberty. If a gentleman has a cigar in his 
 mouth, he always removes it before bowing to a lady, or if 
 he is very polite he throws it away. If his hands happen 
 to be in his pockets (a most ungraceful attitude) he will, of 
 course, take them out. 
 
 A gentleman should never stop a lady and keep her stand- 
 ing in the street while he talks with her. If he has some- 
 thing he wishes to say, and if he knows her sufficiently well 
 to warrant his doing so, he may turn and walk with her in 
 the direction in which she is going. This does not oblige 
 him to accompany her to her destiuation. On parting with 
 a lady, a gentleman must always raise his hat. 
 
 There is said to be an old and particularly dead law in 
 Boston which forbids smoking in the streets ! We have 
 changed all that many years ago ; but it is still considered bad
 
 IN THE STREET. 291 
 
 form for a gentleman to smoke on streets that are used as 
 promenades, at the hours in which he will be likely to meet 
 many ladies. The same is true of public drives. It is very 
 uncommon to meet a gentleman smoking on Bellevue Avenue 
 at Newport. A gentleman should never smoke while walk- 
 ing with or talking to a lady in the street. Indeed, he should 
 never smoke anywhere in the presence of ladies, unless he 
 has received especial permission to do so. 
 
 It is very rude to " cut " people, and one should never do 
 it without very serious reasons. To return another person's 
 bow with a blank stare is simply inexcusable, unless that 
 person has committed some grave misdeed. It costs very 
 little to make a civil bow, and does not necessarily involve 
 even a calling acquaintance. Young people are sometimes 
 unnecessarily sensitive regarding street salutations, and 
 imagine themselves to have been slighted when they have 
 only not been seen. Absent-minded and near-sighted persons 
 frequently " cut " their friends without the least intention of 
 so doing. Particularly is this the case in the crowded streets 
 of a great city, where, unless one recognizes a person before- 
 hand, one often does not look at him as he passes, and there- 
 fore his bow, if he makes one, goes unseen. It is a great 
 mistake to fancy one's self " cut " when one is simply not recog- 
 nized. On all these accounts it is well to bow in a decided 
 manner, so that there may be no doubt about it. Some 
 people have a way of making such a slight movement of the 
 face it can hardly be called of the head that they virtu- 
 ally do not bow at all ; and this is not always done from 
 haughtiness, but often from extreme shyness. 
 
 When bowing in the street, the head only is bent and not the 
 body, according to modern usage, unless one wishes to show 
 great respect, or more than ordinary attention, to some person. 
 One should always return the salutations of servants or 
 tradespeople whom one meets in the street. It is not usual
 
 292 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 to recognize in this way the clerks or salesmen of dry-goods 
 stores, nor would it indeed be considered proper for a young 
 lady to do so. 
 
 A gentleman can never, under any circumstances, " cut " 
 a lady. If he does not wish to continue her acquaintance, 
 his only resource is to avoid meeting her eyes ; even this 
 would be very ungentlemanly conduct, unless he should have 
 some very strong reason for it. He would have no excuse for 
 thus treating a lady who behaved and dressed as a lady 
 should. If a gentleman escorts a lady to her house he should 
 wait until she has been admitted before taking leave of her, 
 especially if it is after dark, and should not be content with 
 seeing her to the foot of the steps only. 
 
 When walking or driving on a public walk or promenade, 
 where the same people pass and repass each other many 
 times, it is not necessary to bow every time one meets a 
 friend or acquaintance. It is sufficient to bow once. One 
 gentleman does not usually remove his hat in bowing to an- 
 other gentleman, unless the latter is much older than him- 
 self, or is accompanied by a lady, when he removes it out 
 of respect for her. Young men should always be careful 
 that their greetings to men older than themselves are suffi- 
 ciently respectful. You may nod to a contemporary in age, 
 who is also your equal in position, if you know him well ; 
 but to one who is your superior in social or official posi- 
 tion, or who is your elder, it would be decidedly improper 
 to do so. 
 
 Gentlemen keep on their hats when they are in shops or at 
 the entrance of a theatre, etc., because they are supposed to 
 be passing through these places, or at best, making a very short 
 sojourn there. The etiquette in regard to the hat, therefore, 
 is like that of the street, and the same is true of the corridors 
 of a hotel. But in an elevator where there are ladies, a gentle- 
 man must always remove his hat, because the elevator is so
 
 IX THE STREET. 293 
 
 small that it is like the room of a private house, where no 
 one would think of keeping his hat on. 
 
 Ten or twenty years ago there were still many elderly 
 gentlemen who saluted their friends and acquaintances by 
 touching the hat instead of by removing it ; but the grace with 
 which they performed this quasi-military salute, and the re- 
 spect expressed by the motion, made the salutation far more 
 deferential than the stiff bow of the modern dude, even though 
 the latter is always careful to remove his hat. Sometimes 
 these elderly gentlemen do not even touch their hats, but 
 make instead a graceful gesture with the hand. 
 
 The question whether or not gentlemen should give their 
 seats to ladies who are standing in the horse-cars, is such a 
 vexed one, and one that is so often discussed in print, that it 
 is not worth while to enter into it here in all its length and 
 breadth. Suffice it to say, that there are few, if any, truly 
 polite men who are satisfied to sit while women are standing 
 around them. They may argue against being obliged to give 
 up their seats, but in practice they do it. It would seem as 
 if there ought to be a little mutual forbearance and politeness 
 on both sides in this matter. Young men, unless they are 
 very tired after a hard day's work, have little excuse for 
 keeping their seats ; old men should not be expected to 
 leave theirs under ordinary circumstances. A man should 
 always offer his seat to an old woman, or to one who has an 
 infant in her arms. If he does not, he may feel rather 
 ashamed to see some woman show the politeness which it 
 was his place and privilege to extend. Women should never 
 seem in any way to claim a seat where there is none vacant. 
 It is very impolite to look at a man in such a way that he 
 shall feel compelled to offer his seat. Unless one is ill or 
 very much fatigued, it is better to accept the situation 
 cheerfully, and wait till some one gets out. If there is a 
 small boy in the car, a bribe of a few pennies will usually
 
 294 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 secure his seat. A lady should always be careful to thank a 
 gentleman audibly -when he offers her his place. No gentle- 
 man should think of taking a seat that becomes vacant in a 
 car, until all the ladies who are standing are provided with 
 seats. A Boston woman, young and handsome, was riding 
 in a New York car recently, patiently awaiting her turn to sit 
 down. A seat was vacated, and she was on the point of tak- 
 ing it, when a young man dexterously slipped past her and 
 into it, smiling at the girls who were with him, as if he had 
 done a very clever thing. The Bostonian said to her friend, 
 " I would n't have believed that ; but then, we are in New 
 York in the nineteenth century ! " The rude youth heard her 
 words, turned scarlet, and looked sheepish enough. 
 
 A great deal of selfishness is shown on our railroads in the 
 matter of taking up an undue amount of room. Two or three 
 people will turn over seats, thus converting them into a sort 
 of private box, and will be very much provoked if some other 
 person claims the empty place, though there may not be an- 
 other one in the car. Others fill up the vacant half of a seat 
 with bundles, and look daggers when asked whether the seat 
 is engaged. If conductors would make it a rule that people 
 should pay for all the seats they occupy personally or with 
 bundles it would be an excellent thing. " Is this seat en- 
 gaged 1 ?" said one woman to another. "No; but there are 
 plenty of seats in the next car" said the seated one, in a dis- 
 obliging tone, calmly ignoring the fact that the train was al- 
 ready moving ! Commuters have a cheerful way of taking 
 up a whole seat for each man through the length of an entire 
 car. A party of ladies will enter, but it will seldom occur to 
 these gentlemen to change their places and allow the ladies 
 to sit together. 
 
 It is very difficult to ventilate a car in a way that will suit 
 everybody. Some people feel that they must have fresh air, 
 while others are at the same time shivering with cold. Any
 
 IN THE STREET. 295 
 
 one who wishes to have a window open should always remem- 
 ber that, owing to the current made by the rapid motion of 
 the car, the person in the seat behind feels the draught much 
 more severely than the one sitting beside the open window. 
 It is neither polite nor right to expose another person to the 
 imminent danger of catching cold in this way, without first 
 asking him whether he objects to having the window opened. 
 The forward part of the car is always better ventilated than 
 the rear, because the fresh air is constantly drawn in there 
 by the motion, and the bad air is driven to the farther end 
 of the conveyance. 
 
 A friendly correspondent says : "I can usually infer the 
 breeding of a man or woman by the way in which either takes 
 a seat in a street-car. The individual who sits down care- 
 lessly, pushing those on either side, and with no avoidance 
 of such part of their clothing as may be within sitting dis- 
 tance, is underbred. The person who, on entering or leaving 
 a railroad car, neglects to close again the door which he finds 
 closed, is wanting in that consideration for others which is at 
 the bottom of true politeness. Aggravated (and aggravating) 
 instances of this are seen in cold weather, when people will 
 sometimes walk through a car leaving the door at either end 
 open."
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 
 
 IF one circle of society is really better than and superior 
 to another, why is it not a laudable ambition for a man or 
 woman to wish to rise to that which is best ? Why does the 
 world laugh, good-naturedly or bitterly, according to its 
 mood, at those who strive to ascend the social ladder? The 
 world does not laugh at people who try to improve their 
 fortunes or strive to remedy the defects of their early educa- 
 tion ; but for the social aspirant - the parvenu it always 
 has a scornful word ! 
 
 This attitude of society seems a very unjust and illogical 
 one to many ambitious persons, and they bewail long and 
 bitterly the snobbishness, the injustice, the overweening 
 pride which distinguishes the demeanor of the " ins " toward 
 the " outs." It is never safe, however, for the pot to call the 
 kettle black ; and if the attitude of society is illogical, is that 
 of the social climber any less so ? 
 
 " If one set of people is just as good as another, why are n't 
 you satisfied to stay where you are, and to remain in the cir- 
 cle where you were born and bred ? We grant you that all 
 men are free and equal, and we therefore consider that we 
 have a right to choose our own associates, and leave you to 
 choose yours. We regard society as a great club, where the 
 right of the blackball is sacred. Society would not be worthy 
 of the name if it possessed no safeguards against the intru-
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 297 
 
 sion of uncongenial persons ; it would degenerate into a mere 
 mob. The parties to a trial by jury have a right to challenge 
 peremptorily those whom they do not wish to have for jurors ; 
 we claim the same right, and the same privilege of with- 
 holding our reasons." In such words might the members of 
 the charmed circle reply to those who knock for admission ; 
 and if one asks why the parvenu is smiled at, the reasons 
 are not far to seek. 
 
 A parvenu, in the first place, is not a soldier who has been 
 promoted from the ranks for merit ; he is rather a deserter 
 from his own friends and belongings. He is a renegade, and 
 the world despises renegades and turncoats. Parvenus have 
 been defined as those who do not want to belong to their 
 own people, and do not in reality belong to any other. 
 
 Thus it will be seen that a man who rises in the social 
 scale because he deserves to rise, is not necessarily a parvenu. 
 The man of high talent, the great general, the successful poli- 
 tician, need make no effort to go into society. Society comes 
 to them, and is only too happy to secure their presence at all 
 fetes. Such men are no parvenus, and are not considered in 
 that odious light. The parvenu is the man who has succeeded 
 in society, succeeded because of his own efforts. He has 
 been the active agent of his own elevation ; he has sought 
 it, and sought it at the expense of old ties, old friendships. 
 Like the woman in the story, who flung her children to the 
 wolves to save her own life, the parvenu will sacrifice not 
 only his wife's relations, but most of his own, to the Moloch 
 of gentility. His conduct is virtually that of Trabb's boy ; 
 he says " I don't know you " to every one save the few peo- 
 ple whom he considers it desirable to know. 
 
 Your true parvenu is not a man who wishes to raise all 
 mankind to the same high level, or even to pull them down 
 to a lower level. He is no democrat very far from it. All 
 that he wishes is to raise himself, and when he has once
 
 298 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 attained the coveted position, he instantly reverses his tactics. 
 His efforts then are all directed downward instead of upward. 
 He wishes to push away the ladder by which he has himself 
 climbed, and to prevent any one else from following in his 
 footsteps. The parvenu is wondrously exclusive ; he knows 
 by his own experience that social barriers can be forced, and 
 it grieves him excessively if others leap in through the gap 
 which he has made ! 
 
 v. 
 
 He is usually a bold, persistent person, who has taken the 
 social world by storm; he stands where he has longed to 
 stand ; he has conquered all weapons employed against him, 
 save that last unconquerable weapon, the defence of all intel- 
 lect against brute strength, ridicule. Satire has ever been 
 the dread of tyrants, the refuge of oppression. With its lash 
 Horace, Juvenal, and Persius scourged the wickedness and 
 folly of their times, while Rabelais and Chaucer attacked 
 with it the rottenness and corruption of the Church, where- 
 of no man durst then openly complain. Nay, why else was 
 Socrates put to death, save because he wielded the flashing 
 blade of ridicule as no one has been able to do before or 
 since 1 
 
 In the words of the little Queen Anne's man : 
 
 Yes, I am proud; I must be proud to see 
 
 Men not afraid of God, afraid of me : 
 
 Safe from the bar, the pulpit, and the throne, 
 
 Yet touch'd and sham'd by ridicule alone. 
 
 sacred weapon ! left for truth's defence, 
 
 Sole dread of folly, vice, and insolence ! 
 
 To all but heav'n-directed hands deny'd, 
 
 The Muse may give thee, but the gods must guide. 
 
 POPE : Epilogue to the Satires. 
 
 Therefore when society has been conquered by some ruth- 
 less invader, what wonder if it falls back on its last resource, 
 a smile, and thus declares that the conqueror shall never
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 299 
 
 win its respect, though he may have succeeded in forcing 
 himself into an undesired fellowship ! 
 
 The stories that are related at the expense of parvenus 
 show the esteem in which they are held, how this one 
 " drew the line " at his own brother, when making out a list 
 of invitations for a great ball ; how that one " cut " all his old 
 friends as soon as he had safely secured a position among 
 more advantageous acquaintances. 
 
 Shakspeare, in " A Winter's Tale," gives us a bit of his 
 delightful and inimitable satire, at the expense of those who 
 have been suddenly elevated by a freak of fortune. 
 
 " Clown. You denied to fight with me this other day, because I was 
 no gentleman born. See you these clothes ? say you see them not and 
 think me still no gentleman born : you were best to say these robes are 
 not gentlemen born : give me the lie, do, and try whether I am not 
 now a gentleman born. 
 
 ' ' Autolycus. I know you are now, sir, a gentleman born. 
 
 " Clown. Ay, and have been so any time these four hours. 
 
 " Shep. And so have I, boy. 
 
 " Clown. So you have: but I was a gentleman born before my father ; 
 for the king's son took me by the hand, and called me brother ; and 
 then the two kings called my father brother ; and then the prince my 
 brother and the princess my sister called my father father ; and so we 
 wept, and there was the first gentlemanlike tears that ever we shed." 
 
 Thackeray, in his " Diary of C. Jeames de la Pluche," has 
 followed out somewhat the same train of thought, but at 
 greater length, and with more elaboration. The following 
 account of Jeames's presentation at court hides a keen thrust 
 at the toadyism and snobbishness of mankind in general, 
 while it pretends to attack only the folly of the poor silly 
 footman, who has completely lost his head in his sudden 
 exaltation. 
 
 " You, per'aps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth 
 the suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. 
 But I am not one who would gratafy imputtniitt curaiosaty.
 
 300 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 Rispect for our reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty. 
 I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown. 
 
 " Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts 
 when I sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that 
 Most Gracious Prins, to admire womb has been the chief 
 Objick of my life, my bnsum was seased with an imotium 
 which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe my trembling knees 
 halmost rifused their horn's I reckleck nothing mor until 
 I was found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. 
 Sir Robert Peal apnd to be standing by (I knew our wuthy 
 Primmier by Punch's pictures of him, igspecially his ligs) and 
 he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall say nothink, 
 but that he is a Hero of 100 fites, and hevery fite he fit he one. 
 Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting 1 I intro- 
 juiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the 
 equaintance, and per'aps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy." 
 
 While we laugh at the absurd airs and ridiciilous affec- 
 tations of the footman turned gentleman, Thackeray takes 
 good care to show us the greater worldliness, the more 
 unpardonable folly, of those who receive the parvenu into 
 their society solely because of his wealth, and cater to the 
 insolence of a low-bred lackey in the hope of furthering their 
 own fortunes. 
 
 The parvenu could never succeed in forcing an entrance 
 ! into the citadel of good society, were there not traitors among 
 the garrison ready to aid and abet him, people quite will- 
 ing to barter the influence of their social position for the gold 
 or the gifts of their new associate. Therefore the parvenu 
 has quite as good a right to despise his new-found and mer- 
 cenary acquaintances as they have to look down upon him. 
 Indeed, his contempt is more justifiable than theirs, because 
 he has forced these people to falsify their own traditions, 
 abandon their own theories, and stoop from their own delib- 
 erately chosen position, they, the men of culture, educa-
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 301 
 
 tion, and high-breeding, and all in favor of one whose 
 advantages, save in the single point of money, have been far 
 inferior to their own. The higher the sinner stands, so much 
 the greater is his sin. Where a high-born family accept a rich 
 boor for their son-in-law, who can pity them if he walks over 
 their sensibilities and their prejudices rough-shod 1 ? They 
 must have known that he would do so ; and it is a part of 
 their just punishment that they should become " doormats 
 under the feet" of the coarse Croesus whose ingots they 
 basely coveted. 
 
 To do justice to the nouveaux-riches, it is not always they 
 who make the first overtures to what is technically termed 
 society. Society, or certain emissaries thereof, sometimes go 
 to them, knocking at their gates and asking leave to come 
 into their ample halls. In this case the newly rich man is 
 not obliged to abandon his dignity, but merely yields grace- 1 
 fully to the force of circumstances. 
 
 No one would advise such a man to take up his abode in 
 the good city of Boston, however, under the influence of any 
 such delusive hope. If he had the wealth of the Rothschilds, 
 the Vanderbilts, and the Astors all rolled into one, he might 
 live to be as old as Methusaleh/but he would never be in- 
 vited to join the fashionable set, unless he made the first 
 advances himself, and made them, be it said, with the great- 
 est circumspection. The fashionable society of the grand old 
 Puritan city cannot but have something of the sternness 
 which characterizes the native land of conscience ; it is to 
 lie feared that they use that sternness chiefly toward out- 
 siders, "and slay them with their noble birth." 
 
 New people have found their way into the most aristo- 
 cratic circles of Boston, but they have got in through the 
 back-door of Europe, or gone around by the way of New- 
 port or Mount Desert. No one ever yet went boldly up to the 
 front door of Beacon Street, and struck with the lance's-point
 
 302 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 on the shield which hangs there ever ready for the fray, no 
 one ever did this, and lived to tell the tale. At least, he never 
 cared to tell the only tale which he could truthfully unfold, 
 because it was full of sorrow and defeat. 
 
 But e'en the failings of the dear old city lean to virtue's 
 side ; she never could submit to conquest in the days of 
 Bunker Hill and Lexington, and she does n't mean to now. 
 On the whole, it is a proud boast of Boston, that she does 
 not allow her most exclusive circles to be invaded as readily 
 as do other cities ; and more than one ambitious family has 
 left her precincts in despair of ever achieving social success 
 there. 
 
 But if it be legitimate for certain people to refuse to grant 
 to others coveted social privileges, there are still various ways 
 in which that refusal may be expressed, some courteous, and 
 some just the reverse of courteous. " One would rather be 
 trodden upon by a velvet slipper than by a wooden shoe," 
 said some one apropos of the French Revolution ; and there 
 is a way of saying " no " that takes half the sting from that 
 bitter monosyllable. 
 
 Among the weapons that exclusive people take to keep 
 others at a distance, none is more aggravating, none is more 
 unpleasant, than a species of haughty stare, a look of half- 
 suppressed pride and disdain, with which many women 
 and especially many young women disfigure their counte- 
 nances. To do them justice, they probably are not aware of 
 their own expression; but it is the hidden thought, the 
 inward feeling of superiority, that betrays itself unbidden on 
 the face. And the cruellest use of this weapon is when it is 
 employed in a reckless and indiscriminating way against the 
 innocent and the guilty alike. 
 
 A young lady will walk abroad, armed and protected by 
 this Gorgon's-head expression of countenance, and during her 
 progress she will distribute it right and left, bestowing it
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 303 
 
 not only on people whom she does not know, but on people 
 who do not know her, and do not even know who she is, 
 save that she assumes the air of the Great Mogul himself. 
 
 How wise were the ancient Athenians when they set forth 
 in their fable that only one of the Gorgons was mortal, but 
 that the remaining two of the dread sisters could not perish ! 
 It has seemed to some of us, when walking the streets of our 
 native Boston, that those two old Gorgons were indeed alive, 
 alive in modern Athens, and that their beautiful, cold, 
 cruel faces, young but stony, still petrified the men and 
 women whom they encountered ! 
 
 Nor is it in Boston alone that one finds the sin of pride 
 openly written on the human brow. Even in small towns 
 and villages one may often observe persons whose air seems 
 to say, " I own, if not the whole earth, certainly all that is 
 worth speaking of." And to those who seriously contemplate 
 assuming this high-toned expression of countenance, per- 
 haps a word of warning may not come amiss. Do not try 
 to look as if you owned " all creation " unless you are per- 
 fectly sure that you do. The least failure in this grand 
 attempt, the least wavering in your look, will be fatal to 
 your pretensions. 
 
 It goes without saying that the undisguised and therefore 
 most offensive look of pride, what Dickens called the " turn- 
 up-nosed peacock " expression, is seldom if ever seen, except 
 on the face of some parvenu, or some newly rich person, whose 
 recently acquired fortune has had an unhappy effect on the 
 angle of his nasal elevation. 
 
 The true aristocrat, the man who has inherited from his 
 ancestors a high social position, may not be lacking in pride, 
 but he does not consider it necessary to express it constantly 
 in his manner and bearing, to go about exasperating his fellow- 
 mortals by a constant assumption of superiority over them. 
 He is, on the contrary, indisposed both by nature and train-
 
 304 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ing to injure the feelings of any one else. "Noblesse 
 oblige " is his motto, and it obliges, above all other things, to 
 perfect civility of demeanor and speech. The true aristocrat 
 is so sure of his own position that he does not need to bolster 
 it up by haughty looks or words. 
 
 ~~ There are plenty of exceptions to this rule, in the case of 
 men whose souls are little and mean, and who are vulgarians 
 at heart, in whatever station in life they may happen to 
 have been born ; just as among those who are of the most 
 humble birth and breeding there is occasionally to be found 
 a man whose natural nobility of character and native refine- 
 ment stamp him as one of nature's gentlemen. 
 
 Burns belonged to the latter class. The letters of this 
 most unfortunate man of genius are full of just and bitter 
 indignation at the neglect, the contempt with which he was 
 too often treated. As Carlyle says, in his noble eulogium of 
 the peasant poet, mankind could find nothing better to do 
 with this wonderful man than to make a ganger of him ! 
 
 In our own country we have no recognized aristocracy, no 
 absolutely superior class, and we have reason to be devoutly 
 thankful therefor. But our democratic form of society is 
 (attended with some evils, and one of these is the boundless 
 self-assertion with which many people strive to eke out what 
 else were very insufficient claims to social pre-eminence. 
 They know, at the bottom of their hearts, that they have no 
 real right to the superiority which they would fain assume ; 
 hence they strive, by an arrogant bearing, by an aping of 
 the faults of the aristocracies of European countries, to put 
 themselves on a level with these latter. They forget that 
 the higher the station, the greater are its obligations. An 
 hereditary nobility without refinement, grace, or a sense of 
 duty and responsibility, with no claim to elevated rank save 
 that of boundless pride, would not long be endured by any 
 country. Its members may often be profligate and morally
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 305 
 
 worthless ; but even such unworthy scions of a noble race 
 know that amiability and graciousness are expected of them, 
 why else the title l ' Your Grace " ? When we come to royalty, 
 it is very plain that even the puppet kings and queens of 
 England pay dearly for their exalted station, by the sacrifice 
 of their own time, tastes, and pleasures, by the wretched 
 condition of dress parade, and the continual appearance in 
 public, which is rigorously exacted of them. 
 
 Hence the spectacle of one set of people claiming to be like 
 another simply because they have produced a fair imitation 
 of the faults of the latter, is about as absurd as if a scare- 
 crow should claim to be like a man because he too wore a 
 coat and hat ! 
 
 While pride, as a weapon of offence, is entirely out of place 
 in civilized society, there is still a certain species of it, 
 what people call proper pride, which a self-respecting man 
 has a perfect right to use as a shield against impertinence or 
 over-familiarity. There are persons in this world who will 
 take advantage of the courtesy with which they are treated, 
 to assume a familiarity that the acquaintanceship in no wise 
 warrants, toward those whom they know very slightly. Such 
 persons have only themselves to blame if they are snubbed. 
 To be perfectly polite and courteous, and to be " hail fellow, 
 well met " with everybody one meets, are two very different 
 matters. 
 
 The rebuke of the young King Henry V. to the impertinent 
 greeting of Falstaff is a famous instance of a richly-deserved 
 reprimand, not of vice only, but of undue familiarity as 
 well. Yet the royal Harry was not filled with an overween- 
 ing pride of place. He was the darling of his soldiery, not for 
 his skill and bravery alone, but for his humane and generous 
 temper as well. His oft-quoted epitaph on Falstaff, 
 
 " Poor Jack, farewell ! 
 I could have better spared a better man," 
 20
 
 306 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 shows his real appreciation of the wit and genial humor of 
 his famous companion. 
 
 In the same way, when our friend Jeames is treated with 
 hauteur by Captain George Silvertop, we feel that the gallant 
 Captain is in the right, though our sympathies are with the 
 eloquent Jeames. 
 
 " ' Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gintlemen in whiskers 
 and mistashes standing by, 'hadn't you better take your 
 spurs out of the Countess of Bareacres' train ? ' ' Never mind 
 mamma's train ' (said Lady Hangelina), ' this is the great 
 Mr. De la Pluche let me present you to Captain George 
 Silvertop.' The Capting bent just one jint of his back very 
 slitely ; I retund his stare with equill hottiness." 
 
 The man who goes about the world enraging everybody by 
 his ill-concealed pride and arrogance, is like a householder 
 who throws hot water out of the window on the inoffensive 
 passers-by. But the man who only appears haughty when 
 he is treated with unwarrantable familiarity, may be likened 
 to the householder who knows that his house is his castle, 
 and will not permit trespassers therein. " It makes my blood 
 
 boil to be treated with the supercilious manner which Mr. 
 
 puts on toward me because he is rich and I am poor," said an 
 intelligent young man not long since. 
 
 Oh, men and women on whom fortune has smiled, do you 
 realize how cruel you are to use the success which Providence 
 has given you, as a two-edged weapon with which to stab and 
 thrust back those who are less fortunate than yourselves ? 
 You do not, I am sure you do not; for if you did, you 
 would remember that it is the arrogance of the victor which 
 makes defeat bitter to the vanquished. Surely success should 
 bring smiles and happiness, not frowns and arrogance. How 
 well did the ancient Romans understand the weakness and 
 pride of the human heart when they placed the slave, with 
 his " memento mori," in the triumphal car of the conqueror !
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 307 
 
 Thackeray had a theory that snobbishness was universal; 
 that every one was more or less of a snob at heart. It seems 
 to me that the great satirist had studied this odious phase of 
 human character so long, that his view had become somewhat 
 jaundiced thereby. Might we not say more truly that snob- 
 bishness is a sort of fever which every one has at some period 
 of his existence'? Many people recover from it after one 
 dreadful attack, which always occurs between the ages of 
 fifteen and twenty-five. Others, again, are subject to an inter- 
 mittent variety of snobbishness ; while to some persons it 
 clings with the persistence of a true malaria, and they are 
 never wholly free from its malign influence. 
 
 Human nature is too full of varied emotions to be treated 
 as if it were a one-stringed fiddle playing the same old tune 
 everlastingly. We are not always under the dominion of the 
 same faults, any more than we are always swayed by the same 
 virtues. There were seven devils who entered the house 
 spoken of in Scripture ; and while Snobbishness is certainly a 
 very large and powerful devil, it is not the only one of its 
 tribe. Indeed, it may be considered in the light of a single 
 manifestation of two evil forces, selfishness and cowardice. 
 A man is a snob first, because he is afraid of what other 
 people may say of him ; and second, because he is selfish and 
 wishes to advance his own way in the world. 
 
 It seems a little singular that youth should be the time of 
 life which is more subject than any other to this form of moral 
 cowardice ; because in the mere matter of physical courage 
 young people are very superior to their elders. But youth is 
 very selfish in many ways, though full of noble and generous 
 emotions if the right chords are only touched. The young 
 man, newly released from the pleasant bondage of childhood, 
 sees the whole world suddenly placed within his reach, as 
 he thinks. At the same time it is revealed to him, as by a 
 flash of light, that mankind attach great importance to the out-
 
 308 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 ward shows and forms of things, a truth which is entirely 
 concealed from the clear and beautiful vision of childhood. So 
 the young man, filled with a desire to grasp the sxim of earthly 
 happiness, and over-estimating the importance of what we call 
 "appearances," because he has just found out that they 
 are of any consequence at all, becomes a good deal of a snob 
 in minor and outward matters. He suffers tortures if he is 
 obliged to do anything except " what everybody else does," 
 or if he is obliged to appear in any way unlike other people. 
 But a child never troubles its happy little heart about what 
 people will think or say, or about its own appearance. A 
 pretty little girl of twelve fell down on the ice some years 
 ago and broke out one of her front teeth. Her relatives were 
 very much troubled at this misfortune, and at the sad havoc 
 that it made in the little lady's beauty. But she herself 
 was perfectly serene as soon as the pain had subsided, and 
 tried in vain to understand why her friends were troubled. 
 She had plenty of teeth left, she said, and it did not hurt 
 now! 
 
 The torments which parents endure from the extraordinary 
 sensitiveness to appearances which afflicts their growing sons 
 and daughters, would be pathetic were they not so universal. 
 The young people suddenly discover that the charming 
 roomy old mansion in which they have been brought up is 
 shabby and otd-fashioned. The family carryall, in which 
 they have driven sleepily to clmrch from their earliest in- 
 fancy, is changed in the twinkling of an eye from an easy- 
 going, delightful old vehicle, to a hopelessly decrepit rattle- 
 trap. The horse is condemned, without appeal, as old, fat, 
 and lame, and the driver is not half spruce enough, he 
 must have a tall hat, mutton-chop whiskers, top-boots, and 
 livery, without delay. 
 
 As to the young lady and gentleman themselves, of course 
 their raiment is found to be hopelessly out of style, and noth-
 
 PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 309 
 
 ing but the services of the most expensive tailors for both 
 sexes can make them feel in any degree satisfied with their 
 own appearance. A domestic revolution takes place very 
 promptly ; poor paterfamilias puts on a very rueful face, 
 and wishes that if young people must be discontented with 
 their clothes, like Cinderella, that they would at least follow 
 her example by providing their own fairy godmother. 
 
 The doctrine that fine feathers make fine birds seems to 
 be a very old one. In a delightful ballad, which must be 
 nearly as old as the wars between Stephen and Mathilda, 
 and from which Shakspeare quotes, we find these verses : 
 
 HE. 
 
 Bell, my wiffe, why dost thou floute ? 
 
 Now is nowe, and then was then : 
 Seeke now all the world throughout 
 
 Thou kenst not clownes from gentleman, 
 They are cladd in blacke, greane, yellowe, or gray, 
 
 Soe far above their own degree : 
 Once in my life He doe as they ; 
 
 For lie have a new cloake about mee. 
 
 King Stephen was a worthy peere, 
 
 His breeches cost him but a crowne ; 
 He held them sixpence all too deere, 
 
 Therefore he calld the taylor lowne. 
 He was a wight of high renowne, 
 
 And thouse but of a low degree, 
 Itts pride that putts the countrye downe, 
 
 Man, take thine old cloake about thee.
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 
 
 WHEN we read of the manners and customs of by-gone 
 times, nothing pleases us so much as to come across some 
 little trait of character or some observance which reminds us 
 of our own day. We see demonstrated perhaps for the 
 thousandth time the essential brotherhood of man, the 
 oneness of human nature, ancient and modern. The imagi- 
 nation bridges over the intervening centuries between our 
 own days and those of old with a rapidity which throws the 
 operations of military bridge-builders far into the shade. 
 We seem to walk and talk with spirits long vanished from 
 the earth. 
 
 " One touch of nature makes the whole world kin," as Shak- 
 speare undoubtedly said, though the humaritarian vanity of 
 the nineteenth century has lately put it into the head of a 
 writer to say that the great poet did not intend this famous 
 passage to be read in the sense ordinarily ascribed to it 
 that Shakspeare builded better than he knew ! Truly, in 
 none but a conceited epoch like the present would any one 
 dare to limit the imagination of a Shakspeare, or have the 
 presumption to declare that the poet who understood human 
 nature from A to Izzard, needed a lesson in its essential 
 nobility from the era of penny-a-liners ! 
 
 The antiquarian spirit within us certainly delights in odd 
 discoveries, and in the bringing to light of curious facts in
 
 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 311 
 
 regard to by-gone days. When in these ancient legends we 
 find the prototypes or the origin of things well known 
 to ourselves, then is our historical happiness made perfect ; 
 we revel in facts at once strange and familiar, and the archae- 
 ologist and philosopher in our breasts are both well satisfied. 
 We feel as does the philologist who is studying some new 
 language, and who rejoices greatly whenever he discovers an 
 old familiar word masquerading under a new form. 
 
 Thus it is truly delightful to find eras of Jeffersonian sim- 
 plicity constantly recurring throughout history, to be as con- 
 stantly succeeded, alas ! by periods of profusion and prodigality. 
 The reign of Philip Augustus of France (the contemporary of 
 Richard Cceur-de-Lion) inaugurated a day of economy among 
 kings and princes, made necessary by the enormous outlays 
 for the machinery of war, arrows, helmets, chariots, etc., 
 and for the pay of men-at-arms demanded by the crusades. 
 Philip never made any considerable displays of magnificence 
 save on occasions of state, and had only a few personal at- 
 tendants, a chancellor, a chaplain, an esquire, a cup-bearer, 
 some knights of the Temple, and a few sergeants-at-arms 
 comprising all the officers of the palace. The king and 
 the princes changed their garments only three times a year, 
 at the Feast of Saint Andrew (the last day of November), 
 on Christmas, and at the Feast of the Assumption. They wore 
 simple raiment, the king's royal mantle of scarlet being ap- 
 parently the one piece of genuine finery ; certainly it was the 
 one jewelled garment that existed at court, and this was 
 only worn on grand occasions. The royal children slept 
 in sheets made of a species of serge, and their mirses wore 
 dark robes made of a woollen material called " brunette." 
 
 Philip the Handsome was economical as long as his first 
 wife, Jane of Navarre, lived ; an ordinance to the niattre 
 d'hdtel of his time empowers that functionary "to buy all 
 the clothes and furs for the king, to keep the key of the
 
 312 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 wardrobes, to know how much cloth was given to the tailors, 
 and to verify the accounts when the tailors were paid." 
 
 A much more modern instance of royal economy for wise 
 purposes is found in Frederick the Great's melting into silver 
 dollars the staircase of solid silver built by his grandfather. 
 Indeed, the traditions of the house of Hohenzollern favor a 
 rugged simplicity of life which would not be endured for a 
 moment by any wealthy inhabitant of our luxurious republic. 
 The narrow camp-bedstead, the simple wash-stand, etc., of the 
 Emperor of Germany would be scorned by any American 
 whose income was a thousand dollars a year ! 
 
 Queen Victoria herself has been sometimes charged with 
 penuriousness, although it seems impossible that any very 
 mean person should put lace worth eighty thousand dollars 
 (if I mistake not the figure) into the royal rag-bag, where it 
 was discovered by the sharp eyes of her devoted youngest 
 daughter. However, there is no doubt that the wax-candles 
 from the Royal Palace are regularly sold to the outside world, 
 since it is contrary to etiquette to light them a second time. 
 Let us hope, however, that the Queen does not directly profit 
 by the sale of the " palace ends," as they are called. 
 
 It is interesting to learn that Lord Chesterfield's celebrated 
 Advice to his Son had a prototype as early as the end of the 
 fourteenth century, in a book of instructions written by one 
 Geoffroi de la Tour-landry, an Angevin nobleman, for the 
 benefit of his three daughters. This anxious father, wishing 
 his daughters to have prudence and wisdom as safeguards to 
 their beauty, gave a number of rules for their conduct, inter- 
 spersed with anecdotes by way of illustration. 
 
 One of these reminds us of the well-known story of General 
 Washington and the negro. " I have seen a great lady take 
 off her ' chaperon ' [a sort of hood] and salute a simple ' tail- 
 landier ' [edge-tool maker] ; when some one expressed surprise 
 at this proceeding, the lady replied, ' I prefer to have been too
 
 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 313 
 
 courteous to this man, rather than to have shown the least 
 impoliteness to a chevalier.' " It seems a strange notion to 
 us, that of a lady removing her head -gear when about 
 to make a salutation. Knight says that the chaperon or 
 hood of this period was of a most indescribable shape, and 
 was sometimes worn over the capuciurn, or cowl ; thus it 
 may have been thrown back, to show the features of the 
 wearer. 
 
 The eldest daughter of this discreet father lived an exem- 
 plary life, but the second one was much addicted to feasting 
 and gayety, and arose in the middle of the night, like a 
 naughty school-girl, to stuff herself with good things. Her 
 husband followed and discovered her, and was so much 
 enraged that he beat her with a stick, a fragment whereof 
 flew off and injured her eye ; after which, the old chronicler 
 naively says, he was less fond of her ! 
 
 The chastisement of the youn^' by their parents we know 
 to have been highly approved of in King Solomon's time, 
 and no doubt long before ; but there is a curious anecdote 
 that deserves mention in regard to Anne of Austria, regent 
 of France, and the frequent whippings which she bestowed 
 on her son Louis Quatorze. The Queen always accom- 
 panied the floggings with profound reverences, which she con- 
 sidered as due to the future king of France, till one day he 
 cried out, "Ah, Madame, not so many reverences or so many 
 whippings ! " 
 
 The modern diner & la Russe seems to have existed in a 
 rudimentary form as long ago as the time of Herodotus. 
 That historian says of the Persians : " They are moderate at 
 their meals, but eat of many after dishes, and those not served 
 up together. On this account the Persians say that the Greeks 
 rise hungry from table, because nothing worth mentioning is 
 brought in after dinner, and that if anything were brought 
 in they would not leave off eating."
 
 314 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 It is pleasant to learn that the Yankees are not the only 
 nation who connect the destruction of sticks with the making 
 of a bargain. The Zulu does not, to be sure, whittle a stick 
 while dickering Avith his savage brother; but he puts a piece 
 of wood in his mouth and chews it, hoping by this symbolic 
 act to soften the heart of the man from whom he wishes to 
 buy oxen. In the same way stick-chewing constitutes a 
 part of his wooing, and is thought to soften the hard heart 
 of his dark-skinned lady-love. This is reversing the old 
 Hebrew tradition in accordance with which the rejected 
 lover broke a wand over his knee when his mistress wedded 
 another man. 
 
 Many people consider that the witchcraft of ancient days 
 was an early manifestation of modern spiritualism, and it is 
 certainly rather startling to find in John Bale's sixteenth 
 century interlude, an account of stools and earthen pots moving 
 about, much after the fashion of our modern table-tipping. 
 
 " Theyr wells I can up drye, 
 Cause trees and herbes to dye, 
 And alee all pultereye, 
 
 Whereas men doth me move : 
 I can make stoles to daunce, 
 And earthen pottes to praunce, 
 That none shall them enhaunce, 
 And do but cast my glove." 
 
 N. B. It is evident from this passage that in the days of 
 Elizabeth the Boston or broad pronunciation of " dance " and 
 similar words existed in England. Witchcraft is said to 
 have been known in Europe in the centuries preceding 
 the tenth, but it had no especial prominence. Charlemagne 
 anticipated the tolerance of the nineteenth century by more 
 than a thousand years ! This wise and powerful monarch, 
 far from persecuting witches, like a Sewall or a Cotton 
 Mather, enacted laws directed against such people as should 
 put men or women to death on the charge of witchcraft.
 
 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 315 
 
 Among the superstitions which still survive even in the 
 minds of educated people, a notable one is the fear that 
 the building a new house will cause a death in the family. 
 This seems undoubtedly to be a survival of the old barbarian 
 belief that a victim must be buried under a new building in 
 order to make it stand. History gives numerous instances of 
 varying forms of this belief, from the folly of which even 
 highly-civilized people are not exempt. 
 
 The custom of consulting old women, and one's acquain- 
 tance generally, in cases of illness, is a very ancient one, 
 though perhaps no nation save the Babylonians ever recog- 
 nized this sort of quackery as the best mode of treatment for 
 disease. Herodotus says : "They bring out their sick to the 
 market-place, for they have no physicians ; then those who 
 pass by the sick person confer with him about the disease, 
 to discover whether they have themselves been afflicted with 
 the same disease as the sick person or have seen others so 
 afflicted . . . and advise him to have recourse to the same 
 treatment as that by which they have escaped a similar dis- 
 ease." He adds that no one was allowed to pass by a sick 
 person in silence. This was certainly applying the doctrine 
 of Moliere's " Le Medecin malgre lui " to a whole nation ! 
 
 Every one knows the delightful proposition made by a 
 writer in our own century to shut up boys in barrels or 
 otherwise during the odious period of hobbledehoydom ; 
 and it is both curious and instructive to find our all-wise 
 Shakspeare expressing the same wish, though with greater 
 mildness. He says in " A Winter's Tale" : "I would there 
 was no age between ten and three-and-twenty ; or that youth 
 would sleep out the rest." Whence we may reasonably infer 
 that the young fellows of that day were very much like the 
 troublesome boys of our own time. 
 
 When we come to speak of amusements, we find that many 
 of our games have been played for hundreds of years, and
 
 316 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 some were known to the ancient Greeks and Romans. Virgil 
 describes a whipping-top, and Pliny tells about a rich woman 
 who was very fond of playing chess. Bagatelle was played 
 three or four hundred years ago under the name of Trou- 
 madame, or Pigeon-holes. An old treatise on Buxton baths, 
 in describing the amusements of the place, says : "The 
 ladies, gentlewomen, wives, maids, if the weather be not 
 agreeable, may have in the end of a bench eleven holes 
 made, into the which to troule pummits, either violent or 
 soft, after their own discretion ; the pastime troule in ma- 
 dame is termed." 
 
 An illumination of the fifteenth century shows Louis XL 
 of France playing checkers with his courtiers. They are 
 represented as sitting on hard wooden benches and playing 
 on a bare wooden table. Despite the presence of the king, 
 and the fact that the scene is apparently within doors, all 
 wear their hats. These look like low-crowned Derbys, or soft 
 felt hats. 
 
 Two centuries earlier we find gentlemen of quality amus- 
 ing themselves with backgammon, checkers, and chess, " to 
 which certain chevaliers consecrated all their leisure." 
 
 Playing-cards were used by Charles VI. of France, and an 
 entry in the account-book of his treasurer, about the year 1393, 
 mentions this item : " Fifty-six sols of Paris given to Jacque- 
 min Gringonneur, painter, for three packs of cards, gilt and 
 colored, and of different sorts, for the diversion of his Majesty." 
 An old manuscript copy of "Renard le Contrefait" would 
 seem to prove that cards Avere known in France -about the 
 year 1340, or six years before the battle of Cressy, where fire- 
 arms were used for the first time. 
 
 The fact that gunpowder and the " Devil's pictured books " 
 came into use at the same period might perhaps furnish an 
 additional argument to those who contend that cards are an 
 invention of the Evil One. " A youth of frolics, an old ago
 
 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 317 
 
 of cards," said Pope. But Thackeray understood the matter 
 much better. In his " Roundabout Papers " he says : 
 
 " If I had children to educate, I would at ten or twelve 
 years of age have a professor or professoress of whist for them, 
 and cause them to be well grounded in that great and useful 
 game. You cannot learn it well when you are old, any more 
 than you can learn dancing or billiards. ... A waste of 
 time, my good people ! Allans ! What do elderly home- 
 keeping people do of a night after dinner \ Darby gets his 
 newspaper, my dear Joan her ' Missionary Magazine,' 
 and don't you know what ensues '? Over the arm of Darby's 
 arm-chair the paper flutters to the ground unheeded, and he 
 performs the trumpet obbligato que vous savez on his old 
 nose. My dear old Joan's head nods over her sermon 
 (awakening though the doctrine may be). Ding, ding, 
 ding ; can that be ten o'clock 1 It is time to send the 
 servants to bed, my dear, and to bed master and mistress 
 go too. But they have not wasted their time playing at 
 cards, oh no ! . . . Not play at whist ? ' Quelle triste 
 vieillesse vous vous preparez ! ' were the words of the great 
 and good Bishop of Autun." 
 
 The art of dancing in the Middle Ages had not yet attained 
 the degree of intricacy which marks our modern german. 
 From miniatures of that period it would seem that ordinary 
 dancing consisted simply of forming large rounds or circles, 
 in which people turned around, and swayed themselves in 
 cadence, observing the measure of the music. 
 
 Some curious dances also are illustrated in ancient books, 
 such as the torch dance, and the famous dance of satyrs, 
 which caused a fearful accident at the court of France in 1392. 
 Froissart describes how a squire of Normandy devised six 
 coats made of linen cloth covered with pitch, and thereon 
 flax-like hair. The king and five noblemen put these on ; 
 "and when they were thus arrayed in these sad coats, and
 
 318 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 sewed fast in them, they seemed like wild woodhouses 
 [savages] full of hair from the top of the head to the sole 
 of the foot." All the varlets holding torches were com- 
 manded to stand up by the walls, and none of them to 
 approach near to the woodhouses that should come thither 
 to dance. They were so disguised in flax that no man kne\v 
 them ; five of them were fastened one to another ; the king 
 was loose, and went before and led the device. 
 
 The Duke of Orleans was so anxious to find out who the 
 dancers were, that he placed a torch so near the satyrs that 
 the flax took fire ; all were burned to death save the king 
 and one other, who fled to the " botry " and cast himself 
 into a vessel full of water wherein they rinsed pots, and 
 thus saved himself. " The Duchess of Berry delivered the 
 king from that peril, for she did cast over him the train of 
 her gown and covered him from the fire." 
 
 The boat-races of antiquity seem to have excited almost as 
 much contemporaneous interest as the international yacht- 
 races of our day. Virgil, in his account of the games at 
 the tomb of Anchises, describes how the owner of one of 
 the boats became so enraged at his pilot for not hugging the 
 turning-stake (in this case a rock) as much as he thought 
 proper, that he pitched the unfortunate man into the sea, 
 and every one laughed at the luckless navigator when he 
 finally succeeded in climbing on to the rock, panting for 
 breath, and dripping with sea-water. In the same account 
 Virgil describes the terrible ccestus, or ancestor of our modern 
 boxing-glove, which consisted of seven thicknesses of bull's 
 hide, strengthened with lead and iron, and sometimes adorned 
 with brass knuckles. The imagination shudders at the 
 thought of what the great John L. would be able to accom- 
 plish arrayed in these terrible gauntlets. In the Iliad they 
 are called " the gloves of death ; " and so dangerous was 
 the contest with these " iron hands," that both Homer and
 
 THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 319 
 
 Virgil dwell on the difficulty of inducing heroes to enter the 
 ancient prize-ring, where prizes were provided for the van- 
 quished as well as for the victor. 
 
 There is not space enough left in this chapter to speak at 
 length of the follies in dress of ancient times, or to solve the 
 difficult problem of the date and origin of the first dude. Rich- 
 ard II. of England was perhaps the greatest fop of his century ; 
 and by a somewhat singular coincidence his reign was filled with 
 labor troubles and commotions, very much as is our own Age 
 of Dudes. The shoes, also, were worn with very long points 
 or pikes, like an exaggeration of those we have lately seen. 
 Eichard " had a coat estimated at thirty thousand marks, the 
 value of which must chiefly have arisen from the quantity 
 of precious stones with which it was embroidered, such being 
 one of the many extravagant fashions of the time." The 
 wearing of enormous sleeves reaching almost to the feet was 
 another foolish habit of this period, against which Chaucer and 
 his contemporaries all inveighed. John of Gaunt, the founder 
 of the house of Lancaster, did not yield to the follies of 
 dress prevalent in his nephew's reign, but wore a sleeve tight 
 to the wrist, with a sort of balloon above the elbow. 
 
 Foreign as well as native writers bear witness to the 
 foppery of the English at or about this time. Paul Lacroix 
 relates an anecdote of a French lord to whom some one had 
 spoken disparagingly of the fashion of his wife's dress. " T 
 wish my wife dressed like the good ladies of France, and not 
 like those of England," replied the worthy gentleman. " It 
 was the latter who first introduced into Brittany wide 
 borders, bodices divided at the hip, and hanging sleeves." 
 
 In the reign of King John of England a century earlier 
 the beaux curled and crisped their hair with irons. They 
 .seldom wore caps, but bound slight fillets around their heads, 
 as they wished their " crimps " to be seen and admired.
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. WASHINGTON CUSTOMS. 
 
 IT has been said that the aim of education should be to 
 teach a person how to study. The young man who gradu- 
 ates from college has still no doubt much to learn, but the 
 key of future knowledge has been put into his hand. 
 He knows where to look for information on various points ; 
 he has been placed on the right road, and it will be his 
 own fault if he does not keep to it. Herein he has a great 
 advantage over the self-educated man, who wanders blindly 
 and without compass over vast fields of (to him) unclassified 
 information. It is wonderful what we can all find in books, 
 pictures, or the face of Nature, when we have once learned 
 what to look for. The diver cannot find the pearl unless he 
 knows where the oyster lies. 
 
 It is with this hope the hope that I may have been able 
 to place the reader on the right track, to turn his face in the 
 right direction that I now prepare to bring this little 
 volume to a close. Xo one ever learned the art of dancing, 
 swimming, or fencing, or the secret of a courtly and polished 
 manner, from the study of books alone. These can give but 
 the theory, and practice must be added to theory to make it 
 perfect. Carlyle points out, in a very striking passage, that 
 in every art and trade there is much that has never been 
 and never will be written down, but is transmitted from one 
 generation of artists and mechanics to another, a visible
 
 HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 321 
 
 tradition, if I may be allowed the expression. Thus a lost 
 art or trade can never in the nature of things be resusci- 
 tated, though it is sometimes rediscovered. 
 
 An additional difficulty in the way of fixing upon paper the 
 open secret of what constitutes good manners is, that our 
 manners, like our language, are constantly undergoing changes. 
 The spirit alone of true courtesy remains always the same, 
 and he who builds the edifice of his behavior on this founda- 
 tion builds on a rock. 
 
 What are the qualifications that best fit a person for mak- 
 ing himself agreeable in society 1 Are they not tact, wit, and 
 good spirits ? The most important of these and perhaps 
 the rarest is tact. The man of tact is not of necessity 
 false and insincere, although very downright people like 
 to call him so. Say rather he is a person who possesses 
 an infinite power of silence ; a ready steersman, who can 
 always dexterously change the helm of conversation when 
 rocks or shoals are near. He can know or divine what arc 
 the skeletons in the closets of a whole roomful of people, 
 and yet not once mention these disagreeable subjects, nor 
 allow others to mention them if he can help it. This is his 
 passive or negative virtue. His active and positive one is 
 the knowledge that he possesses of what is agreeable to each 
 individual, as well as what gratifies the world at large. He 
 talks, or, better still, he listens to each man on the sub- 
 ject of which that man loves most to discourse. Tact means 
 literally the act of touching. A person who possesses true 
 tact may be said to resemble one of those radiates which 
 have, a thousand sensitive tentacles or feelers. By their 
 help his mind comes in contact with the minds of his neigh- 
 bors at an infinite number of points ; but the contact is one of 
 sympathy, and is never a violent collision. Ready sympathy 
 is a very necessary element of tact, but it is not the only one. 
 Sympathy without intellectual acuteness leads people into 
 
 21
 
 322 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 frightful blunders. Thus the sympathetic woman will often 
 read, by a sort of semi-mesmeric power, what is passing in 
 the mind of her interlocutor ; but the latter may be dwelling 
 on some subject that is very painful to him, and if the sym- 
 pathetic woman be lacking in intelligence, she will be very apt 
 to introduce this painful theme into the conversation, always 
 with the best intentions. Absent-minded people are guilty 
 of the same mistakes, and are often celebrated for their in- 
 advertencies of this sort. Thus if an absent-minded man is 
 talking to a person who has been insane, insanity will be 
 vaguely suggested to his mind ; and forgetting the exact facts 
 of the case he will talk about crazy people, remembering, 
 when it is too late, the unkiiidness of which he has apparently 
 been guilty. 
 
 The man who is witty and wise as well is always a 
 favorite in society. But his wisdom must teach him not to 
 be egotistical, and not to weary the company with too many 
 smart sayings. Finally, the person who has good spirits 
 possesses that which all the world wants, and which every 
 man may borrow from him without impoverishing the lender. 
 He is like the sun ; every one draws near him for warmth 
 and cheer. One of the greatest charms of youth is its gay 
 good-nature, the brilliant spirits which result from vigorous 
 animal life and health, and from ignorance of the world and 
 its evils. From a blase young man or woman every one 
 prays to be delivered ! 
 
 At the present moment brains, provided they be not too 
 heavy, are at a great premium in society. The intellectual man 
 is the idol of the hour, and the man who can make his 
 hearers intellectual at least in their own imagination 
 is sought after and admired beyond all others. It is there- 
 fore very desirable for young people to cultivate any talent 
 they may possess for reading aloud and reciting. If a young 
 man has a thorough knowledge of any one subject, and can
 
 HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 
 
 discourse or lecture upon it clearly, intelligently, and in an 
 interesting manner, he will find himself much more popular 
 in society than the man who can do nothing for its instruction 
 or amusement. But the cultivated man must strenuously 
 avoid the temptation to display his talent continually ; h 
 must be ready to do his part whenever he is called upon, 
 but not otherwise. 
 
 The same is true of the person who can tell amusing 
 stories, the woman who can play on the mandolin, the 
 guitar, or the harp, and of many others. 
 
 The line which divides the most charming person in the 
 world from the greatest bore is of a hair's width, like the 
 celebrated step which separates the sublime from the ridicu- 
 lous. It is a gift of the gods to know when to stop ; and 
 in the intoxication of success many people go far beyond 
 the proper limit, when lo ! their popularity vanishes like a 
 dream. 
 
 There is another very important qualification for making 
 one's self agreeable in society, and that is the willingness to be 
 generally useful. The obliging man or woman especially 
 if he or she have plenty of time at command is found to 
 be indispensable. But such a person, while secretly wielding 
 great power, must beware of openly assuming social authority. 
 The power behind the throne must remain ever in the 
 shadow. If the man who holds it tries to sit upon the 
 throne, he is sure to be kicked off. 
 
 If the greater portion of this volume as of most books 
 of the kind is devoted to the consideration of the social 
 duties of women rather than of men, it is not because the 
 former stand in need of more instruction than the latter. Is 
 it not rather that women are willing to give more thought 
 to these subjects, and take a greater and more vital interest 
 in them 1 Howells's immortal saying, that " after two thou- 
 sand years man is imperfectly monogamous " (I quote from
 
 324 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 memory), might have had as an addition that he is imper- 
 fectly civilized as well. Woman's intellectual position as 
 compared with that of man may admit of dispute ; but her 
 position in civilization is certainly far ahead of his. Take a 
 small community in our far West, where there are no 
 women, and you will find the most highly civilized men 
 relapsing into barbarism. 
 
 Even in our own part of the world young men are often 
 found to be lacking in politeness, and in that deference to- 
 Avard their elders and toward women which is so becoming 
 in a manly young fellow. To such an one the writer would 
 like to offer a few words of advice in a friendly spirit. 
 
 A gentleman should always rise from his chair when a lady 
 enters or leaves the room, and should not return to it until 
 she has taken a seat or passed out, as the case may be. In 
 the latter instance, he should open the door for her ; in the 
 former, he should bring a chair rather than suffer her to lift 
 one for herself. The man who will allow a lady to carry a 
 chair from one part of the room to another without offering 
 to assist her, is wanting in good-breeding. Some very punc- 
 tilious men always rise whenever a lady rises, and remain 
 standing until she resumes her seat ; but this may be rather 
 embarrassing to her if she has occasion to go about the room 
 often. 
 
 Gentlemen should avoid making very long or very late 
 evening calls, which exhaust the patience of their enter- 
 tainers. Many young men are voted bores because they 
 make visits of two or three hours' length ; whereas if they 
 remained only an hour or an hour and a half, they would be 
 considered as decidedly agreeable persons. 
 
 No doubt one reason for these interminable calls is that 
 many men do not know how to get out of a room, and post- 
 pone the hour of departure because they dread it so much. 
 When they rise to take their leave, they are easily persuaded
 
 HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 325 
 
 to sit clown again, although perhaps the invitation to do so 
 is merely given by the hostess as a matter of form. 
 
 " Stand not upon the order of your going, 
 But go at once." 
 
 A lingering leave-taking is wearisome to host and guest alike ; 
 nor is it polite to the hostess, since she feels compelled to 
 stand until the caller has left the room. AVhen a gentle- 
 man takes his leave after making a call on several ladies, 
 it suffices for him to make a decided bow to the lady of the 
 house, with a slighter inclination to the other members of the 
 family. Some men make a sort of final and general saluta- 
 tion as they pass out at the door of the room; but this 
 custom does not prevail generally in America. 
 
 The custom of making evening calls, except upon intimate 
 friends, is rapidly going out of fashion. Young men now 
 call in the afternoon, after an invitation to dinner for instance, 
 and make a visit of twenty minutes or half an hour in length. 
 This change of hours is due in part to the imitation of Eng- 
 lish customs, and in part to the present fashion of dining 
 late, which gives gentlemen an opportunity to make calls 
 after business hours, and before the seven-o'clock dinner now 
 so much in vogue. 
 
 A gentleman should never allow a lady to sit backwards 
 in a carriage, but should himself take the seat the. back of 
 which is turned toward the horses, where it is necessary for 
 some one to do so. In the same way a young lady should 
 not permit an older or a married lady to ride backwards. 
 According to strict etiquette, the lady who owns the carriage 
 keeps her own seat ; but she will usually surrender it to a 
 married lady if she is herself unmarried, or to one who is 
 much her senior. 
 
 As it makes some people positively ill to ride backwards, 
 those who can do so without inconvenience or suffering
 
 326 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 should offer to take these undesirable places. A hostess 
 enters the carriage after her guests, unless they are much 
 younger than she is. 
 
 A gentleman should always get out of a carriage before the 
 ladies do, taking care not to pass in front of them, but to get 
 out at the door which is nearest to his seat. He should then 
 help the ladies to get out, each in her turn. There are 
 several ways of doing this, a lady requiring more or less 
 assistance according to the height of the vehicle, her own age 
 and activity. Perhaps the most approved way is where 
 a gentleman offers his arm, the lady placing her hand upon 
 it. He can then lend her additional assistance, if it is neces- 
 sary, by supporting her elbow or forearm with his hand. 
 At the same time he guards her dress from the wheel by hold- 
 ing his cane or umbrella in front of it, with his left hand. 
 
 Another method is for a gentleman to offer a lady one or 
 both hands ; or if she is descending from a very high vehicle, 
 she may place both hands upon his shoulders, as he is thus 
 enabled to support her arms. When a lady ascends a tally- 
 ho coach, she goes first, a gentleman mounting the ladder one 
 or two steps behind her and keeping her dress in place with 
 his cane. In descending, he goes first, for the same reason, 
 both of them coming down backward. The companion-ways 
 on board ship are mounted and descended in the same 
 manner. 
 
 The art of mounting a lady properly on horseback is one 
 that many gentlemen do not understand. The lady should 
 place her left foot in one or both of the gentleman's hands, 
 her left hand on his shoulder, and her right hand on the pom- 
 mel of the saddle. Then at a given word she springs up- 
 ward, the gentleman at the same moment raising his hand 
 so as to assist but not actually to lift her into the saddle. 
 When accompanying a lady on horseback, a gentleman 
 always keeps on the right side.
 
 HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 327 
 
 In dancing, he should offer his hand gracefully to a lady, 
 where he has occasion to do so at all. The hand should be 
 presented palm downward, taking care that the thumb does 
 not project in an awkward way. To hold the hand vertically, 
 with the thumb sticking up in the air, looks extremely awk- 
 ward. A gentleman should also be careful not to shake 
 hands with too much violence, and not to press a lady's hand 
 so that her rings will hurt her fingers. Per contra, ladies 
 should not shake hands as if those members were paralyzed 
 or hopelessly limp ; and if they should have occasion to take a 
 gentleman's arm in the evening or in some crowded street 
 they need not be afraid to lean some of their weight 
 upon it. Most men rather enjoy the sense of protecting 
 the weaker sex, and admire a woman who knows " how to 
 take an arm " properly. 
 
 A gentleman should always offer to pass up a lady's fare in 
 a stage or in a horse-car where there is no conductor, and 
 should get off the steps of a car rather than allow a lady to 
 be uncomfortably crowded as she enters or leaves it. And 
 just here it is pleasant to be able to say that many of our 
 countrymen in what might be called the humbler ranks of 
 life offer these civilities in a way that is gratifying to see, 
 and that reflects much credit upon them. 
 
 It has been said elsewhere that the custom of saying Madam 
 and Sir is falling into disuse. There are still some occa- 
 sions, however, when it is necessary to use these expressions ; 
 notably, when one addresses a stranger. If a gentleman 
 offer to bring a lady any refreshment at an entertainment, 
 to hand up her fare in a horse-car, or to call her attention to 
 a parcel that she has left behind, he should in these and similar 
 cases address her as Madam, and never as Miss, even though 
 he may know that she is unmarried. A lady responding to 
 any civility which may have been courteously offered to her 
 by a stranger, uses " Sir " in speaking to him. But neither
 
 328 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 party should continue the conversation, for obvious reasons. 
 Elderly ladies, whose experience of the world has given them 
 knowledge of men and things, sometimes converse with their 
 fellow-travellers, especially on long railroad journeys ; but it 
 is very undesirable and unsafe for a young woman to do so. 
 
 In conclusion, the writer would say that no young man 
 should despair of social success because he does not speedily 
 achieve it. It is no uncommon thing to see a young man 
 much laughed at for his awkwardness or his ungainly figure 
 when he first enters society ; and then to see the same youth, 
 by pluck, perseverance, and practice, become a fine dancer, 
 an agreeable partner, and a leader of fashion. "Women ad- 
 mire courage ; and the man who perseveres in spite of defeat 
 is pretty sure to win favor in their eyes. 
 
 It is more courteous to send a separate invitation to the 
 young men of a family, and not to direct an envelope to " Miss 
 Atwater and bro" The latter form is of course allowable, 
 and frequently employed; but some gentlemen object to it 
 very much, especially where they have been in society for 
 several years. A fashionable young man who is a social 
 favorite complains bitterly that he never receives a separate 
 invitation, but is always invited as a " bro," tacked on to 
 his sister's name. Where there are several unmarried sons 
 living at home, and they are no longer very young, it is 
 more courteous to send an invitation to each by name, rather 
 than include them under the general term " Messrs." It is 
 always proper to invite two or more sisters as "the Misses 
 Atwater," no matter what their ages may be. 
 
 The etiquette of "Washington differs from that of other 
 American cities ; it is customary there for strangers to call 
 first upon the members of the Government and on the wives 
 of official personages. For this purpose receptions are held
 
 WASHINGTON CUSTOMS. 329 
 
 every afternoon, and a special day is set apart for each branch 
 of the Government. Thus, Monday is Judges' day, and on 
 that afternoon the justices of the Supreme Court remain at 
 home and receive callers, assisted by the ladies of their families. 
 Tuesday is the reception-day of members of the House of 
 Representatives ; Wednesday, of the Cabinet officers ; Thurs- 
 day, of the Senators ; and Friday, of the Diplomatic Corps. 
 The President's receptions are usually held on Saturday ; and 
 on that day the residents of Connecticut Avenue receive calls. 
 The reason for this very catholic hospitality is an obvious one. 
 It would be impossible for the wives of Congressmen, Cabinet 
 officers, and others to call first upon every one who came to 
 the National Capital ; and yet according to our Republican 
 theories every American citizen has a right to social recogni- 
 tion at the hands of the rulers whom his voice has helped to 
 elect. Hence the wives of our public servants throw open 
 their houses to visitors on one day of each week during the 
 season, and any person who chooses, has a right to attend these 
 informal receptions. According to Washington etiquette all 
 these calls must be promptly returned : as their number and 
 frequency are very great, they make the social duties of an 
 official hostess extremely burdensome. Such a lady often 
 employs a private secretary, whose duty it is to keep a 
 record of the visits made, visits returned, and those still to 
 be returned. The wives of the Cabinet officers recently re- 
 belled against this slavery to the travelling public (for it is 
 nothing else), and caused it to be known that they would 
 not undertake to return calls personally, but that their cards 
 would be sent instead. This course, however, gave rise to 
 some bitterness of feeling among those who did not under- 
 stand the exigencies of the situation, and who felt them- 
 selves insulted, forgetting that a public servant and his 
 wife ought not to be made public slaves. The wife of one 
 of our recent Secretaries of State is said to have seriously
 
 330 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 injured her health by her punctiliousness in returning all 
 visits. As our country is increasing in population with such 
 rapidity, and as the throng of visitors in Washington is in 
 consequence growing constantly greater, it would seem as if 
 some remedy must be found for this growing evil, and as if 
 the course of the Cabinet ladies was the only one possible for 
 them to pursue. 
 
 When the society in Washington was comparatively small, 
 and the strangers who came to the city in the gay season 
 comparatively few, all was very different; but matters have 
 changed very much at our National Capital within five or six 
 years. Transient visitors and excursionists now visit it in 
 enormous numbers, and intrude themselves in houses where 
 they have no right to go at all in some instances, and 
 in others only on certain days of the week. 
 
 It would seem as if common-sense ought to teach people that 
 to a card reception (that is, where the guests are all invited 
 by card) no one save those specially invited would have a 
 right to go ; but the Washington tourist is very unreflecting. 
 His rule of conduct too often resembles that of the Irishman, 
 where you see a head, hit it. Where the Washington tour- 
 ist sees a number of carriages standing before the door of a 
 mansion, he immediately enters thereat ; and whether he is 
 one, or whether he is two hundred, makes absolutely no dif- 
 ference in his view of the situation. The result of his theories 
 is naturally disastrous. No private house can hold an un- 
 limited number of people ; and where the uninvited throng 
 in such numbers, the invited guests are unable to gain ad- 
 mission. A Washington lady received cards for a reception 
 given by an official person. It was a little late when she 
 
 started, and upon her arrival in Avenue she found a 
 
 surging throng of people in and around the door of the 
 house where the reception was to be held. 'After striving 
 with the crowd for an hour or more, and reaching only the
 
 WASHINGTON CUSTOMS. 331 
 
 vestibule of the mansion, she and her escort gave up the 
 attempt to gain further admittance, and went home without 
 having been to the party at all ! It transpired afterward that 
 an excursion of two hundred people had arrived in Washing- 
 ton on that day, and had attended Mr. 's reception 
 
 en masse ! 
 
 Thus it is evident that the public abuses its privileges, 
 and if less democratic customs should be adopted, the people 
 themselves would be to blame. All public libraries and 
 parks are conducted on the theory that the public will re- 
 spect their own possessions ; the moment that they cease to do 
 so, that they begin to abuse the books or deface the beauty 
 of the grass and trees, the free system becomes impossible. 
 It is the same with the freedom of entrance in Washington 
 society. It can only continue while the public are " upon 
 honor," and behave like ladies and gentlemen. 
 
 No doubt the tourists are less to blame in regard to their 
 conduct in Washington than might at first sight be supposed. 
 Being strangers in the laud, they naturally believe whatever 
 is told them, forgetting that hotel-keepers, agents for excur- 
 sions, hack-drivers, and others may, through interested mo- 
 tives, offer them more opportunities of sight-seeing and 
 visiting than they have a legitimate right to do. It is to 
 be feared also that mankind have a tendency to be less care- 
 ful about their behavior when they are in foreign lands than 
 they would be in their native place, where habit, and the 
 desire to appear well in the eyes of their fellow-townsmen, 
 act as restraining influences. One should always remember 
 that travelling is the severest test of good-breeding; the 
 man who does not forget his politeness among strangers, 
 people whom he never expects to see again, will not be likely 
 to forget it anywhere. It is a dangerous matter, too, to 
 imagine that one's behavior in another city or country will 
 not be known at home. This world is a very small place ;
 
 332 SOCIAL CUSTOMS. 
 
 we are liable, even on the most lonely mountain-top, to be 
 seen by an acquaintance, or the acquaintance of an acquaint- 
 ance ; and by some mysterious process of social telegraphy 
 our misdemeanors, if we commit any, reach home as soon as 
 we do, usually increased by kind and friendly report to 
 twice their natural size. 
 
 Greediness at the supper-table is an unpleasant thing to 
 see in any place. Gentlemen should remember never to 
 stand around it in such a way as to bar the approach of 
 others, and never to take more than their fair share of the 
 good things spread before them, notably wine. A gentleman 
 may take a bottle of wine and fill the glasses of the ladies of 
 his party, as well as his own. He should then replace the 
 bottle on the table, and not keep it under his arm nor hide 
 it away from other people. 
 
 It is often said that according to Washington etiquette 
 strangers call first upon the residents of tho city. This is 
 true ; but the freedom thus given should not be abused, as it 
 often is. While it is perfectly proper for strangers to call 
 upon members of the Government and their families, as has 
 been stated above, it is questionable whether they have a 
 right to visit private citizens whom they do not know, and 
 with whom they have no bond of common acquaintanceship. 
 It is often done without peradventure ; but people who have 
 delicacy of feeling will not intrude themselves on those who 
 move in a different social circle, and who have no reason to 
 wish to know them. Visits made in this haphazard way are 
 not always returned ; if they were, every private citizen 
 would be completely at the mercy of every transient visitor 
 to the National Capital.
 
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