SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Manners are of more importance than laws.
Upon these, in a great measure, the law depends.
The law teaches us but here and there, now and
then. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or
purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a
constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like
that of the air we breathe in. They give their whole
form and color to our lives. According to their
quality, they aid morals, they supply laws, or they
totally destroy them. BURKE.
SOCIAL CUSTOMS
BY
^] &
FLORENCE ., HOWE HALL
Who does not delight in fine manner* ? Their charm cannot be
predicted or overstated. EMERSON
BOSTON
ESTES AND LAURIAT
Copyright, 1887,
BY ESTES AND LAURIAT.
JOHN WILSON AND SON, CAMBRIDGE.
PKEFACE.
HPHE man who made the first map of the earth's sur-
face had a comparatively easy task to fulfil. Like
Columbus, the world lay before him where to choose ;
he was not obliged to respect the prejudices nor the
landmarks of any predecessor, but could draw freely
upon his own imagination. The last maker of atlases
has a very different work to do. His fancy can make
no lofty flights ; cold realities fence him in on every side.
Not an island, not a wretched little cape can he omit ;
he must copy all his predecessors, and yet he must
create a new work. " It is the last step which costs,"
he exclaims in the bitterness of his heart, and longs for
those ancient days of geographical license when turtles,
elephants, and serpents figured in place of North and
South America.
It is with somewhat similar feelings that the writer
of this little volume has entered upon her task. The
difficulty of writing a new discourse upon so old a
theme as manners is greater than might appear to one
who had given the subject no thought. The old charts
must constantly be consulted, and the general outlines
2130032
vi PREFACE.
of the new must in great measure correspond with them.
The great social continents, the moral Baffin's Bays and
Hudson's Straits must be represented as they always
have been, in all essential particulars, and yet the whole
must be no servile copy, no mere reproduction. The
writer has attempted, therefore, to give a bird's-eye
view, as it were, of her subject, in order that she might
be enabled to depart a little from the beaten track,
and also because it has seemed to her that such a
view was the most correct one. One cannot judge of
the merits of a picture if one stands too near it ; and
the theme of manners is one that admits of a moral
perspective.
It was the wish of the publishers, Messrs. Estes and
Lauriat, that this book should be something more than
a mere set of rules for behavior ; that it should contain
some reflections on the reason and origin of social cus-
toms. To enter deeply into such a matter would of course
be impossible in a volume of this size and scope ; but
it has been touched upon here and there as opportunity
offered. If the reader finds as much pleasure in reading
these little details of ancient customs as the writer has
enjoyed in collecting them, she will feel amply repaid
for her labor.
Another great difficulty which confronts all writers
upon American etiquette is, that many matters of detail
are not definitely settled in our social code. About the
great general principles upon which all really good man-
ners are founded, no difference of opinion exists. But
we are pre-eminently a freedom-loving people, and every
PREFACE. vii
man claims liberty of conscience in social as in other
matters. For the rest, we have no person nor set of per-
sons who have a right to dictate to us what our conduct
shall be. In European countries it is a part of the
privilege of the court to lay down an absolute law on
all matters of etiquette, and the social culture and train-
ing, hereditary and traditional in a royal house for
centuries, give its members a certain moral right to
prescribe what shall and what shall not be considered
good breeding. Whatever we may think of a monarch-
ical and aristocratic form of government, we must at
least acknowledge that in countries where it is allowed
to exist at all it may reasonably claim the privilege of,
and a special fitness for, social jurisdiction. The great
standing armies, too, of European States, with their mili-
tary discipline and strict subordination, no doubt have
an important influence on public opinion. They incul-
cate obedience and uniformity of action with a silent
influence which is difficult to estimate exactly.
Our own army may be just as well regulated, or
perhaps even better; but it is so small, and so scat-
tered over our Western frontiers, that its influence is
scarcely perceptible. Our political rulers are often
men of no especial culture or early advantages. Even
those who set themselves up as our social rulers are
often utterly deficient in the important social pre-
requisite of grandparents ; and the man whose ancestors
came over in the " Mayflower " will not submit to dicta-
tion in matters of conduct from the man who had
a rag-picker for his grandfather.
viii PREFACE.
Thus it will be seen that in treating of our etiquette
one must necessarily avoid as far as possible ex
cathedra or absolute statements, while one must also
beware of confusing the reader by offering too many
alternatives and showing too many possible paths.
The writer has therefore striven to avoid dogmatism
on the one hand and ambiguity on the other, giving
decided opinions where it seemed best to do so, and in
other cases mentioning the various views that are taken
of those subjects upon which doctors disagree.
FLORENCE HOWE HALL.
September 21, 1887-
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER TAGE
I. THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS, AND THIIR
FOUNDATION ON HUMAN REASON 1
II. PERMANENT AND TRANSIENT INSTITUTIONS IN
SOCIETY 10
III. THE USES OF SOCIETY 19
IV. THE FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS .... 25
V. VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USFS 32
VI. INVITATIONS 53
VII. DINNER-PARTIES, AND How TO GIVE THEM . . 65
VIII. DINNER-PARTIES; SERVICE AND ARRANGEMENTS
OF THE TABLE 72
IX. ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE 83
X. THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE ; ITS FURNITURE
AND EQUIPMENT 91
XI. CHILDREN, AND How THEY SHOULD BEHAVE AT
THE TABLE 100
XII. LUNCHEONS 110
XIII. AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS 120
XIV. BALLS AND DANCING-PARTIES, THEIR ARRANGE-
MENTS, ETC 130
XV. ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM 137
X CONTENTS.
CHAPTER PAGE
XVI. MUSICAL PAETIES 144
XVII. THE ETIQUETTE or WEDDINGS 154
XVHI. MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS AND ENGLISH WED-
DING BREAKFASTS 169
XIX. THE CHAPERONE 175
XX. CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. HINTS ON How TO
AVOID SOME OF ITS BESETTING DANGERS . . 184
XXI. ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT .... 195
XXII. GESTURES AND CARRIAGE 207
XXIII. INTRODUCTIONS 217
XXIV. LETTERS OP INTRODUCTION 227
XXV. LETTERS AND NOTES 231
XXVI. ON DRESS 245
XXVII. THE DRESS AND CUSTOMS APPROPRIATE TO
MOURNING 255
XXVIII. HOST AND GUEST 265
XXIX. COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY .... 277
XXX. IN THE STREET 287
XXXI. PRIDE AND PARVENUS 296
XXXII. THERE is NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN . . 310
XXXIII. HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. WASHINGTON CUSTOMS 320
SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
CHAPTER I.
THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS, AND THEIR FOUNDATION
ON HUMAN REASON.
HERBERT SPENCER declares the earliest kind of govern-
ment to be that of ceremonial institutions. Ceremonial con-
trol precedes religious and political control, and he finds an
ingenious argument in favor of this hypothesis in the con-
duct of savage tribes. " Daily intercourse among the lowest
savages, whose small, loose groups, scarcely to be called social,
are without political or religious regulation, is under a con-
siderable amount of ceremonial regulation/'
In other words, ceremonies, manners, whatever you please
to call them, are necessarily the first law which binds man,
because they are personal and concrete. The earliest neces-
sity for a savage is to show his fellow that he does not mean
to fight him, but intends rather to live peaceably with him
and give him his dues. Hence certain peaceful observances
and signs are early established, such as salutations, doing
homage, etc., and perhaps are the first tokens of order
that appear out of the primeval chaos of mutual warfare and
destruction.
The first bondage, then, is that of manners, and the last
bondage is of manners also, and from it we need neither
1
2 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
wish nor hope to be set free. If we live among civilized
men, we surely cannot be free from it ; if we flee to savage
nations, we must still observe their code of manners. Our
only hope of escape is to live the life of a hermit, and even
Robinson Crusoe was polite to his cat and his parrot ! And
why should we wish to escape from this easy-fitting yoke,
which surely protects far more than it hampers us ? Man-
ners are, or should be, defensive, not offensive. They have
undergone vast changes during all these ages, and the cus-
toms of the savage resemble little enough the polished ways
of the highly civilized man of the nineteenth century. But
in this one point they must ever resemble each other, that
they protect and defend the man who uses them. Emerson
says of manners, " Their vast convenience I must always
admire. The perfect defence and isolation which they effect
makes an insuperable protection." And some one else has
said, "Etiquette is the barrier which society draws around
itself as a protection against offences the 'law' cannot
touch ; it is a shield against the intrusion of the imper-
tinent."
But what a vast difference between the old slavish customs
wherein the inferior tremblingly deprecated the wrath of his
superior, and the manners of to-day, with which equal greets
equal ! The fear of personal violence, or even of death, made
unfortunate wretches grovel in the earth, and place dirt upon
their heads, as a sign of their entire submission, a plea of
humility ; whereas, with the liberty we of the Western
world now enjoy, we need not " crook the pregnant hinges
of the knee " to any man ; and though we still use manners
as a defence, it is only to guard those innermost citadels of
privacy, the mind and heart, from unwarranted intrusion.
The history of manners is the history of civilization, and
in their study the wise man finds his account. It is only the
fool who despises them, because he has not taken the time
THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 3
and trouble to come at their real meaning and significance,
and therefore begs the whole question by declaring that they
have none.
It is a significant fact that manners, in old English, meant
much the same thing as what we now call morals, thus
showing the ethical importance which our ancestors attached
to a decent behavior. "Evil communications corrupt good
manners," saith the Scripture, and the word is used else-
where in the Bible in the same sense. In Shakespeare's
" As You Like It," Touchstone makes a delightful pun on
the word.
"Touch. Wast ever in court, shepherd ?
Cor. No, truly.
Touch. Then thou art damned.
Cor. For not being at court ? Your reason.
Touch. Why, if thou never wast at court thou never sawest good
manners ; if thou never sawest good manners, then thy manners must
be wicked ; and wickedness is sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in
a parlous state, shepherd."
The word " morals " was not used by the old writers ; but
here again we have a proof of the identity, in the opinion of
our forefathers at least, of morals and good manners. Polite-
ness they considered as an essential element of good behav-
ior, a branch certainly of good morals. The word " moral "
is derived from the Latin word mos, plural mores, meaning
manners or customs ; and while the English word has alto-
gether lost the original Latin meaning, the French word
mceurs (manners), derived from the same Latin root, is still
used in the old sense.
Rev. Brooke Herford, in one of his recent sermons, called
attention to the rigorous adherence to good manners, the use
of a prescribed form of speech even under most trying and
exciting circumstances, of which we find evidence in the
Bible. Thus the Shunammite woman, hastening to Elisha,
4 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and full of anguish at the death of her only son, still answers,
" It is well," when asked whether it is well with her child,
although she has come to announce his death to the prophet.
And the messenger who brought King David the tidings of
that dreadful battle in which his beloved son Absalom was
slain, prefaced his deadly message with the usual phrase,
" All is well," though he knew that the dearest treasure of
the king's heart, his favorite son, was lying dead on the
bloody plain. The fear of seeming to doubt or deny in
some way the providence of the Almighty, was perhaps one
reason for the use of this phrase, as the preacher suggested.
As the state of society changes from one age to another,
manners must necessarily change with it, otherwise they
cease to be the true exponents of the thought and feeling of
the time. Having once been fitting symbols, they become
only dead letters when the thought they represented passes
away, mere empty forms, savoring of hypocrisy, and sur-
viving their usefulness on account of the conservative nature
of man, which tends to make him do always what he has
done once.
Thus the phrase " your worship " no doubt had originally
a more or less sincere meaning, in the time when inferiors
were so low in the scale of civilization that they did in some
sort worship those who were so high above them. "When
rae really believed that a king could do no wrong, that he
was a king by Divine right, and that his very touch could heal
the diseases of ordinary mankind, in such a time it would
not be wonderful that one man should consider another as
worthy even of worship. In the extremely enlightened and
unbelieving state of mind of the present day we can scarcely
believe that such superstitions as these ever existed ; but it
was only in the reign of Queen Anne that the royal touch for
the king's evil was used for the last time, while the worship of
heroes is not only as old as our race, but has not yet died out.
THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 5
We do not worship them precisely as the old Greeks and
Romans did, but rather after the fashion of medievalism.
We carefully preserve buttons from their coats, locks of their
hair, the chairs in which they sat, and curious characters
which they traced with a pointed instrument dipped in black
fluid upon a material made of bleached and pounded rags,
what we call autographs. And yet we think it was strange
that the unlettered men of the Middle Ages should have
treasured the bones of saints, and held as sacred, fragments
of their garments! Verily the nature of man is ever the
same, with all his boasted progress!
When customs no longer have a real meaning, when they
become mere shams and pretences, then they will gradually
disappear of themselves ; and then the reformer is justified if
he inveighs against them, although if he is a wise man he
knows that customs " die hard," and will not expect to see
them rapidly disappear. What a grand time they had in the
French Revolution, when the whole order of society was
changed, and the titles even of the old heathen months were
taken away from them as savoring too much of ancient su-
perstition ! But somehow people did not take even to such
sensible names as "Snowy," "Rainy," "Foggy." They clam-
ored for the old names, and would have them back again ; not
because they cared for Janus or Maia, or even for Julius Caesar,
but because they were used to January and May and July,
and liked the old nonsense better than the new sense.
Nay, it is to be feared that we have not quite outgrown a
belief in the old nonsense yet ; for while no living being now
worships Maia, there are plenty of people who consider it un-
lucky to be married in May. a superstition which existed in
the days of Ovid, and no one knows how long before. Its
origin is a curious one. The Romans believed in good and
evil spirits, and called the latter Leimires. These ancient
ghosts were of a restless disposition, tormenting the good and
6 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
haunting the wicked. With that common sense which ever
distinguished the old Romans, they celebrated festivals in
honor of the Lemures, which they called Lemuria, and held in
the month of May. The solemnities lasted for three nights,
during which marriages were prohibited, and the temples of
the gods were shut. The populace burned black beans to drive
away these bad spirits, and also beat on kettles and drums.
It is said that Romulus first instituted the Lemuria, or Lemu-
ralia, to appease the shade of Remus, and the word became
corrupted from Semuria to Lemuria.
The manners peculiar to certain states of society pass
away with them, and, despite the lamentations of some lovers
of the past, it is best that it should be so. Though we may
sometimes fall a little in the scale of our behavior, on the
whole there is an improvement in the manners of the civil-
ized world from one age to another.
Take for instance the beginning of the eighteenth century.
Little as Thackeray liked the manners of his own day, and
ruthlessly as he showed up their follies and foibles, he liked
still less the manners of this older time, of which he made
an especial study, to his great disgust. In his essay on Steele,
he says : " We can't tell you would not bear to be told the
whole truth regarding those men and manners. You could
no more suffer in a British drawing-room, under the reign of
Queen Victoria, a fine gentleman or fine lady of Queen Anne's
time, or hear what they heard and said, than you would re-
ceive an ancient Briton. It is as one reads about savages,
that one contemplates the wild ways, the barbarous feasts, the
terrific pastimes of the men of pleasure of that age."
He then describes the career of a very rapid nobleman, who
died while perpetrating his third murder, and a little farther
on he continues in the same vein : " But things were clone
in that society, and names were named, which would make
you shudder now. What would be the sensation of a polite
THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 7
youth of the present day, if at a ball he saw the object of
his affections taking a box out of her pocket and a pinch of
snuff ; or if at dinner, by the charmer's side, she deliberately
put her knife into her mouth 1 . . . Fancy the moral condi-
tion of that society in which a lady of fashion joked with a
footman, and carved a sirloin, and provided besides a great
shoulder of veal, a goose, hare, rabbit, chickens, partridges,
black puddings, and a ham, for a dinner of eight Christians !
What what could have been the condition of that polite
world in which people openly ate goose after almond-
pudding, and took their soup in the middle of dinner?
Fancy a Colonel in the Guards putting his hand into a
dish of beignets d'abi'icot, and helping his neighbor, a young
lady du monde! Fancy a noble lord calling out to the ser-
vants, before the ladies at his table, ' Hang expense, bring
us a ha'porth of cheese ! ' '
Mankind do not change their manners from one epoch to
another, as a snake sheds his skin ; the transition is a very
gradual one, and men cling so fondly to their old ways that
they always incline to keep them, where it is possible to do
so, changing the old form a little, to suit it to its new mean-
ing. Thus, when heathen nations first become Christianized,
their religious practices are a very queer jumble of the old
and the new forms of worship. The history of Europe is
full of records of these curious mixtures, some of which are
very familiar to us all.
The old Scandinavians had no intention of giving up the
custom so congenial to their tastes, that of drinking the
" minni " (that is, love, memory, and the thought of the ab-
sent) of the objects of their worship ; so upon their conver-
sion to Christianity they arranged the matter very simply by
abandoning their old favorites, Thor, Odin, and Freya, and
drinking the "minne" of Mary and of Christ. "Minnying"
or " mynde " days, on which the memory of the dead was
8 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
celebrated by services or banquets, survived for a long time
in England.
Many customs which now seem to us foolish and absurd had
once their serious meaning ; but in the course of long years,
and perhaps of wanderings from far countries, that meaning
has been utterly lost from sight. Again, we can often see
plainly what significance certain observances once had, but we
no longer believe in them. "We still say " Bless you " from
force of habit, when some one sneezes, but we have ceased to
attach the slightest importance to the remark. It is rather
curious to find that the ancient Greeks and Romans saluted
one another in the same way, and two thousand years ago
Pliny asked, " Why do AVC salute those who sneeze 1 "
When Guachoga, a native chief, came to pay a visit to
Hernando de Soto, the former happened to sneeze ; whereupon
" the gentlemen who had come with him, and were lining
the walls of the hall among the Spaniards there, all at once
bowing their heads, opening their arms and closing them again,
and making other gestures of great veneration and respect,
saluted him with different words, all directed to one end, say-
ing, 'The Sun guard thee, etc.,'" upon which the Spanish
governor concluded that " all the world was one."
The petty superstitions of every-day life, which cultivated
people laugh at and the uneducated still believe in, wero
once no doubt features of a serious though childish religious
belief. All the superstitions about the moon point plainly
in this direction, while those about Friday are of Christian
origin, as all the world knows. Many servants firmly believe
that it is unlucky to engage or take service on Saturday,
although they cannot tell you why they think so. I have
often seen women of this class entreat a child to get up if it
happened to be lying in their path on the stairs or else-
where, saying, " If I step over you, you will never grow, you
know ! "
THE EARLY ORIGIN OF MANNERS. 9
For every supersitition and every exploded belief there is,
or has been, some argument in its favor, some train of reason-
ing more or less ingenious and well carried out. We smile at
the curious scientific theories of Plato, for instance, although
lie presents arguments in their favor that are as good as many
modern reasons. In the same way there is no small point of
etiquette which has not its raison d'etre, although the train
of logic which brought it into being may be quite forgotten
by living men.
It is with the law of etiquette as with the common law ;
both contain many absurdities, but nevertheless these very
absurdities have all been carefully reasoned out. As the
common law concerned the lives and safety of all men, its
sayings were carefully preserved and accurately written down
by learned men ; but the law of etiquette has had compara-
tively few expounders to keep careful record of its vagaries.
It certainly, however, contains no greater follies than those of
its prototype, which gravely declared that a mother was not
of kin to her own child, and proceeded to prove the same !
Despite its many imperfections, the common law sur-
prises us with its accumulation of sound views and its expo-
sition of true principles, the result of the combined wisdom
of many great minds during long centuries. In the same
way the laws that govern manners contain many true and
unchanging principles mingled with much that is untrue,
unimportant, and transitory.
But this subject cannot well be treated of at the end of a
chapter, and demands a new one for itself.
CHAPTER II.
PERMANENT AND TRANSIENT INSTITUTIONS IN SOCIETY.
" CRABBED age and youth cannot live together " says the
old song, and the unregenerate heart of man repeats it. But
modern civilization not only brings youth and age together,
she accomplishes even greater wonders. Black and white, rich
and poor, educated and ignorant, Christian and heathen, evil
and good, powerful and weak, sick and well, civilized and
savage, high and low, all races, classes and ages of men she
brings together pitilessly, and without hesitation. Xay, she
does more than this, for she tells them that they must not only
live together, but live peaceably and on the whole they
do so.
When you consider what a seething caldron of opposing
nationalities, creeds, and views a modern city consists of,
what widely differing people are thrown together in steam-
ships, hotels, and railroads by the remorseless Cook and the
wide-reaching Yanderbilt, the wonder is, not that somebody
occasionally kills somebody else, but that men do not slay
their tormentors daily. If we lived in those cheerful old
times when the world was still young, we should do so, as a
matter of course, just as those individuals among us whose
civilization remains crude, slay one another for any slight
difference of opinion, and promptly make an end of the
female of the species whenever she does not have supper
ready in time.
INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 11
The composition of our modern society is not only cosmo-
politan in the extreme, but another element of complexity is
added to it in the vast and ever-increasing intricacy of the
machinery of our daily life. We have become so highly
and uncomfortably civilized, our surroundings are so artificial,
that there is some danger of our all turning into so many
machines, each one being a part of the great central Corliss
engine of our civilization.
It is this, or the forest. In past ages every high state
of civilization has wrought its own ruin, and vigorous bar-
barism has taken the place of effete luxury and corruption,
just as the vacuum of idiocy succeeds to over-activity of the
brain.
In our own time the fleeing to the country, the desertion
of large cities by the very rich, during the greater part of the
year is something more than a new whim of Fashion, a
feature of Anglo-imitation. It is instinct which teaches such
people to return as far as is agreeable and comfortable
to Nature. Having plenty of leisure time in which to note
their feelings, they find themselves suffocated with the fingers
of iron whose grasp extends into every corner of a great city.
Was it not with some such blind instinct that poor Marie
Antoinette strove to escape from the artificial life of the
French court ? Did she not have a foreboding of the dread-
ful fate that awaited her, the frightful collapse of that rotten
state of society so soon to follow ? Alas ! the Little Trianon
was a poor, weak substitute for the lap of great mother
Nature, and could ill protect its votary from the nihilism of
the eighteenth century, the nihilism of the guillotine.
In such a complex state of society as ours at the present
day, the code of manners must evidently be a complicated
one. It is true that we have simplified forms wherever we
could do so, and have abridged much of the ceremony that
was once thought necessary. There ia still much that we
12 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
cannot abridge, and the variety of our life must involve a
corresponding variety of customs.
Through all the meshes of these confused details, however,
run certain unchanging principles, like the strong midribs in
a delicate leaf. These great general truths are bodied forth in
what may be called the permanent institutions in society as
distinguished .from those transient features which change with
every generation, one might almost say with every year.
The great truths on which our code of manners is founded
are those of the Christian religion, a due regard for others,
humility, a sense of dxity, and self-respect.
Humility may have existed before the Christian era, but
it was not counted a virtue in men. The old Romans,
even in their most civilized days, believed in vaunting their
own exploits. Cicero continually tells us of what prodigies
he performed in saving the State, and Virgil makes his hero
boast of his own prowess in a way to make a Harvard Sopho-
more blush. Savages of course proclaim their own great
deeds and those of their ancestors ; and as Herbert Spencer
points out, Egyptian and Assyrian inscriptions prove that
this habit of self-praise long persists in some cases.
Self-respect cannot exist where there is not due humility,
since it is inconsistent with boasting and self-flattery, just
as a true respect for others is inconsistent with adulation
and undue glorification of them. Respect implies a proper
consideration for its object, a right measuring of it.
Love for one's neighbor, at least in a modified form, a
due regard for him and his rights, may be considered as
the key-stone of our code of manners, which even the most
selfish man does not dare wholly to ignore if he is well-bred
and wishes to appear so.
The ancient Persians believed in treating their neighbors
well, but from a rather singular motive. Herodotus says,
" They honor above all those who live nearest to themselves ;
INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 13
in the second degree, those that are second in nearness, and
after that, as they go farther off, they honor in proportion ;
and least of all they honor those who live at the greatest dis-
tance ; esteeming themselves to be by far the most excellent
of men in every respect, and that others make approaches to
excellence according to the foregoing gradations, but that
they are the worst who live farthest from them."
The permanent institutions in society are those in which
every one believes at least theoretically and whose pri-
mary importance no one is disposed to deny. Respect to
elders and deference to superiors belong to this class of in-
stitutions, as does also courtesy to women and kindness to
inferiors.
Who is my superior 1 He who is higher and greater than
I am, not in the mere accident of outward circumstances,
but greater in himself, in his character, nature, talents, deeds.
Fortunately for ourselves we are not obliged by law and
tradition in this country to look up to any set of men as our
superiors ; we have no aristocracy of birth, but we are in im-
minent danger of making for ourselves what is infinjtelj
worse, a plutocracy whose only recommendation shall be that
they have amassed vast wealth, in what manner, we must
not ask too curiously.
Not long ago a book agent called upon me, and with
extraordinary volubility sang the praises of the volume for
which she was canvassing. This was nothing more nor less
than a compilation of the lives of all the very rich men of
the present day, with an account of the ways in which
their fortunes had been accumulated, the whole intended as
a guiding star to the tender mind of youth, that should shine
upon their path in the world, and help them in all troubles,
with its noble golden light.
It seemed to me I had never seen Mammon-worship so
openly recommended. Far be it from me to say that all rich
14 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
men are bad, or their fortunes accumulated by ignoble ineaus.
All honor to the good and great, be they rich or be they
poor ; but for Heaven's sake let us not set apart as a class
Avorthy of all praise and imitation a certain set of men whose
claim to our attention is that they have amassed a large
amount of shekels! Do not let us (yet awhile at least)
say
" Lives of [rich] men all remind us
We must make our lives sublime ;
And, departing, leave behind us
[Millions] on the sands of time."
The man who has made a large fortune must have talent of
some sort, to have prevailed over his fellows in the Gold-race ;
but often it is his only talent, and too often it has been
helped out by unscrupulous means.
When we come to the question of respect to elders, there
seems to be little danger of excess in this direction among
the present generation. If our young people feel a natural
inclination to show excessive reverence to their superiors in
age, why, they repress that inclination in a most surprising
manner.
Our elders are always our superiors in length of life and
experience, if in nothing else. Magnanimity, too, bids us
treat them always with a certain gentleness. Are we not
their conquerors, to whom sooner or later they must abandon
their inheritance, the earth? As conquerors, then, let us
bear ourselves with becoming meekness, remembering always
now hard it is to be old, to be in the past tense instead
of the present.
How touching is that story of Hans Andersen's, in which
a young married couple are made to see how unfilial their
conduct is, when it is imitated by their little child ! They
have put the old father in the corner and given him a wooden
INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 15
spoon to eat with ; whereupon the boy takes out his knife
to carve a spoon for his parents to use when he shall be a
grown man !
Courtesy to women we may surely claim as an American
virtue ; not that our men are always perfectly polite, or that
we may not hope to make further progress in this direction,
but that on the whole, American women are better treated than
any others on the face of the globe. In Dickens's " American
Notes " he says, in commenting on our behavior at table, " But
no man sat down until the ladies were seated; or omitted
any little act of politeness which could contribute to their
comfort. Nor did I ever once, on any occasion, anywhere,
during my rambles in America, see a woman exposed to the
slightest act of rudeness, incivility, or even inattention."
The elegance of manner, the profound obeisances with
which courtly Europeans honor the women whom they ad-
mire, we cannot perhaps rival in this new country ; but the
spirit of true chivalry, the respect for women of all classes
because they are women, and not because they are beautiful,
young, or rich, prevails here to an extent of which we may
well be proud.
How permanent the essential elements of good manners
are, strikes one very forcibly in reading the books of bygone
times that relate to courtesies, as well as the truths that great
thinkers have uttered on this subject. Lord Chesterfield's
wise and witty sayings may still be read with much profit,
while the profound maxims of De la Rochefoucauld remain
as true as ever. Hear what the former says of the treatment
of inferiors :
" You cannot, and I am sure you do not, think yourself
superior by nature to the Savoyard who cleans your room, or
the footman who cleans your shoes ; but you may rejoice, and
with reason, at the difference which fortune has made in your
favor. Enjoy all those advantages, but without insulting
16 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
those who are unfortunate enough to want them, or even
doing anything unnecessarily that may remind them of that
want. For my own part, / am more upon my guard as to
my behavior to my servants, and ot/ters who are called my in-
feriors, than I am toward my equals ; for fear of being sus-
pected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring
to make others feel that difference which fortune has, and
perhaps, too, undeservedly, made between us."
Haste is the natural enemy of politeness. A man who is
in a hurry is seldom polite, and the constant high pressure
under which we all live has had its legitimate effect on our
manners.
A person who is in great haste necessarily appears selfish,
because he cannot stop to consider any one else, all his ener-
gies being bent on his own business of the moment. That
business may be in reality some deed of pure philanthropy
or utter unselfishness ; it will still make the doer appear
selfish if he is pursuing it at headlong speed. People will
avoid him, much as they get out of the way of a fire-
engine running at full speed through the streets. They
respect the mission of the tearing, rattling creature of steam,
but they don't want to get in its way.
A wise man therefore apportions his affairs in such a man-
ner as to leave a little leeway for possible contingencies, and
allows himself a certain amount of leisure time which can be
expended in speaking or listening to others if occasion shall
require it. Thus a man who has allowed himself five min-
utes more time than'he needs to catch a train, will be able to
stop and speak a few words if he meets an old friend on his
way ; whereas if he has left no margin, he must rush on,
with some hasty and half-heard apology, perhaps giving life-
long offence, and all for want of five minutes !
What a picture Mrs. Stowe gives, in her " Oldtown Folks,"
of one of these ever-hurried philanthropists, old Uncle
INSTITUTIONS OF SOCIETY. 17
Fliakim ! His special mission is to drive around the country
and bring all the forlorn and feeble old women "to meeting,"
arriving late, of course.
" The benevolence of his motives was allowed ; but why,
it was asked, must he always drive his wagon with a bang
against the doorstep just as the congregation rose to the first
prayer 1 It was a fact that the stillness which followed the
words ' Let us pray ' was too often broken by the thump of
the wagon and the sound ' Whoa, whoa ! take care, there ! '
from without, as Uncle Fly's blind steed rushed headlong
against the meeting-house door, as if he were going straight
in, wagon and all."
Lord Chesterfield says, " Whoever is in a hurry, shows
that the thing he is about is too big for him."
The details of behavior and outward observance, what one
might call transient or minor manners, are certainly of great
importance, but of little real value unless they are founded
upon a true spirit of politeness. Where an arrogant and bru-
tal nature seeks to shield its essential qualities under a thin
varnish of good manners, the disguise is a poor one, and
deceives nobody permanently.
To master all the details of etiquette except by mingling in
the society of well-bred people is obviously impossible. One
cannot become polished unless by social friction, any more than
you can make a piece of marble shine without rubbing it.
A wise Frenchman has said : " Politeness is a quality
[qnalite] which a man living in society should acquire first
of all things. It is the key of all human relations, and
gives them their charm. The man who possesses only the
instruction of colleges may be but a sort of rustic in the
midst of a city. . . . There is a great difference between
civility and politeness. A man of the people, a simple peas-
ant even, can be civil ; it is only the man of the world who
can be polite."
18 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
In democratic America we should not use quite such
strong language as this, but we recognize in a measure the
truth it contains. With us, it is but a half-truth, since the
absence of all distinctions of class and caste, the diffusion
of education, and the high level of general intelligence, unite
to put us on a par with one another far more than can be the
case in any European nation.
The manners of an American, imbued with the self-respect
which is the birthright of all our citizens, have a dignity
that would be sought vainly among a people who had grown
up with the idea of their own social inferiority forever hang-
ing over them. The danger with us is that the thoughtless
and ill-educated sometimes forget the respect they owe to
others, in their over-anxiety to claim what is due to them-
selves. Thus a Yankee coachman spoke of a gentleman who
was visiting his master as " that man," but called the driver
of the carriage "the gentleman." In the case of this Yankee,
self-respect was so abnormally developed that it had become
self-assertion, a very different quality from self-respect, and
resembling it as some grotesque caricature resembles the
original.
It has been well said that the source of good manners
to-day is found in respect for human nature, one's own and
that of others, heightened by a sense of the value of life,
and a desire to make the most of its opportunities for others
as well as for ourselves.
CHAPTER III.
THE USES OF SOCIETY.
WHAT is the use of the thing called Society 1 What are
the objects for which men come together in social meetings
of various sorts 1 "Empty show and vulgar display, the
wish to marry their daughters and to advance their own
way in the world," cry the cynics. " Vanitas vanitatum "
they say of it all, and deny that it has any real use or gives
any real pleasure.
Yet these very same people who so decry what is techni-
cally called society in our great cities, usually have a society
of their own, a circle of friends whom they enjoy meeting
very much. Indeed, these carpers will often go themselves
to balls and parties, when they are invited, and will, to all
outward appearance, enjoy themselves as much as anybody.
If you speak to them on the subject, however, they Avill
say that it was all very great folly and nonsense, etc. ; that
they only went because So-and-so was kind enough to ask
them.
There are comparatively few people who do not really
enjoy society of some sort, though they may dislike that
which seems to them too showy or too formal. Even the
cynic Diogenes himself occasionally attended festive gather-
ings, and when asked what kind of wine he liked best, re-
plied, " That which is drunk at the expense of others."
Man is eminently a gregarious animal. Is not condemning
20 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
him to pass his life in solitude the most terrible punishment
that can be bestowed on him, a punishment which has
often driven its victims into hopeless madness ?
It is true that Swift has said, " A wise man is never less
alone than when he is alone ; " but what a terrible commen-
tary on this saying was the lonely, unhappy life of its author
alone in the midst of crowds ! Thackeray says of him, " It
is awful to think of the great sufferings of this great man.
Through life he always seems alone, somehow. . . . The
giants must live apart. The kings can have no company.
But this man suffered so, and deserved so to suffer." And
again, " He was always alone ; alone and gnashing in the
darkness, except when Stella's sweet smile came and shone
upon him." Swift was alone, not because he did not mingle
with other men, but because he had little in common with
them. His genius lifted him far above ordinary people, while
his unhappy temper and disposition placed him far below
them in the moral scale.
Whether society is of any use to us must depend largely
on the spirit in which we go into it. If that spirit is purely
mercenary or selfish, it is not probable that we shall do our-
selves or any one else much good ; but if we go into the world
in the spirit of good-fellowship, meaning to have a good time
and to help others to have a good time, to be amused, in-
structed, cheered, or moved, as the occasion may demand,
then society will be both a pleasure and a benefit to us.
If you want to enjoy salt-water bathing, you don't go into
the ocean clad in a waterproof garment ; and if you wish to
enjoy society, you must n't enter it clad in a cast-iron armor
warranted sympathy-proof. If you enter it in the spirit
which Swift too often'showed, the unamiable one of bully-
ing and snubbing men and saying unkind things to women,
why, you will enjoy it about as much as he did, and quite
as well as you deserve to.
THE USES OF SOCIETY. 21
Emerson says, " The delight in good company, in pure,
brilliant, social atmosphere, the incomparable satisfaction of
a society in which everything can be safely said, in which
every member returns a true echo, in which a wise freedom,
an ideal republic of sense, simplicity, knowledge, and thor-
ough good-meaning abide, doubles the value of life; . . .
the hunger for company is keen, but it must be discrimi-
nating, and must be economized." Would that we could
all hope to enjoy often such society as is here described,
and that we might be intellectually and morally capable of
appreciating it !
One very positive use of society, though not the pleasant-
est one, is to teach us our own limitations, and to keep down
that self-conceit which, like a cork, is forever bobbing up to
the surface.
Narcissus met his foolish fate because he stayed alone, his
eyes and thoughts fixed on himself ; if he had been content
to dwell with other men, he would never have been the
victim of his own vanity.
Goldsmith says, "People seldom improve when they have
no other model but themselves to copy after."
The chief use of society, it seems to me, is threefold :
first, the amusement it affords, the relaxation from care so
necessary for every human being to have ; second, the good-
will and good-fellowship that it promotes between men and
their fellows ; and last, but not least, the sharpening of the
wits, the intensification of the intellectual powers, which it
brings to pass in many people. Even two chips of wood
if rubbed together will produce flame ; and even two dull
wits brought in contact with one another, will throw out
more light than either could do alone 1 . And when you
assemble in one company men of brilliant talents instead
of dullards, how dazzling is the effect ! The electric current
of intellectual sympathy runs through the assembly, and
22 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
flashes of wit, the wit that is wisdom, of brilliant satire,
and of sparkling anecdote, delight the lookers-on at such a
contest of intellectual giants !
Could we spare from our literature the brilliant things that
have been said in this world, and said in society, though not
always at court balls 1 Great as are the delights of the writ-
ten word, we cannot live upon them alone. Deaf-and-dumb
people are proverbially gloomy. All the treasures of litera-
ture may lie open before them, but the spoken word of their
fellows, the social word, they can never hear nor know save
in image and dumb-show.
In one of Plato's dialogues we have an exposition of the
value of the spoken word that is truly wonderful. Through
the mouth of Socrates he shows us how it may leaven the
whole world of thought. This would not be an astounding
discovery in our day, since the modern world knows that
Christianity was taught orally ; but that a Greek philosopher
of ancient times should have thought it out before the Chris-
tian Era, shows how profound was his reasoning, how keen
his insight ! These wonderful thoughts were worked out
largely in solitude ; but one must prepare for social life
in solitude, as one prepares for war in time of peace.
Madame de Stael said, " Fine society depraves the frivolous
mind and braces the strong one." Those who live for
society, to whom it is the end and object of their existence,
instead of merely a means of agreeable relaxation, and a
pleasant way of meeting their kind, such people may
fairly be considered frivolous, and incur the reproach of
dissipation.
The poet Cowper says :
" Man in society is like a flower
Blown in its native bed. 'T is there alone
His faculties expanded in full bloom
Shine out, there only reach their proper use. "
THE USES OF SOCIETY. 23
Cynics like Byron may contend that society creates neither
good-feeling nor mutual kindness, but mankind knows better
than to believe them.
" Society itself, which should create
Kindness, destroys what little we had got :
To feel for none is the true social art
Of the world's stoics, men without a heart."
These lines express only a half-truth, not a whole one.
Even worldlings give us unconsciously a proof that society
promotes good-will among its members. Do not many of
them mingle in it with the avowed purpose of bettering
their fortunes or improving their business 1 Yet how could
this be if it only promoted ill-will and contempt among
its members 1 Do people help the fortunes of those whom
they dislike, or intrust their business to those whom they
despise 1
The man who affects to despise society, and yet mingles
in it to further his own ends, may or may not be a hypo-
crite, but he lays himself open to the charge of being a de-
signing person, who makes other people his dupes and tools.
It would be foolish to deny that there is a vast amount of
humbug and of empty pretence in society ; but there is
something more, something that we can ill do without.
Every one who has lived for any length of time in the real
country understands, as no dweller in towns can understand,
what a blessing society is to mankind. Is not suicide
especially common among farmers' wives, who cannot en-
dure the dreary solitude and endless round of toil in which
their lives are spent 1 Rustics coming to a great city are
like men who taste Avine for the first time, the crowds,
the life, the gayety, all intoxicate them ; they seem to be in
a dream of fairy enchantment from which, alas ! a rude
wakening follows only too speedily.
24 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
It has been said that great men are horn in the country
and come to the city to live. This is not altogether true ;
hut most great men, and may I not say all great women,
have found their account in social rather than in solitary
life, and have preferred for the most part to dwell in cities.
Mrs. Howe in her treatise on " Modern Society " distin-
guishes between " society of representation " and genuine
society. The former is entirely a show-affair ; and the
extreme instance of it which she cites is found in the min-
isterial balls in Paris, where the guests are admitted by card,
and do not necessarily know their host and hostess, nor need
they make the latter's acquaintance. The whole is a grand
pageant, but no introductions are given, and no social fusion
takes place.
Mrs. Howe goes on to say, "Now, this I call society of
representation. It bears about the same relation to genuine
society that scene-painting bears to a carefully-finished pic-
ture. People of culture and education enjoy a peep at this
spectacular drama of the social stage, but their idea of society
would be something very different from this. Where this
show-society monopolizes the resources of a community, it im-
plies either a dearth of intellectual resources or a great mis-
apprehension of what is really delightful and profitable in
social intercourse. . . . No gift can make rich those who are
poor in wisdom. The wealth which should build up society
will pull it down if its possession lead to fatal luxury and
indulgence."
CHAPTER IV.
THE FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS.
RICHARD GRANT WHITE, who was a man not inclined to
mince matters, boldly and calmly asserted that there was
no such thing as English grammar ! English grammar, in
the opinion of this gentleman, was only a sort of old-
fashioned myth, invented and kept alive by pedagogues
for the torture of unoffending youth of both sexes.
It has occurred to me that if some departed worthy of
the last century should again return to this earth and this
country, it would strike him that our grammar was well
enough, and our spelling really fine ; but as regards our
manners, would he be apt to observe that we had any in
particular ? I fear he would not ; certainly he would find
little to correspond with the manners of his own day. And
yet he would be greatly mistaken if he supposed that man-
ners had gone entirely out of fashion, lingering only in remote
places in the country, and surviving in the cities merely
among a few old-fashioned and conservative people.
The manners of the present day, despite a great deal that
is said against them, have a certain merit that is all their
own, the merit of frankness and honesty. Furthermore,
they fit the time, and suit the last quarter of the nineteenth
century much better than if we masqueraded in the courtly
and elaborate manners of our grandfathers, who were perhaps
a little more sentimental, a little more ideal than we are,
26 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and whose ceremonies were not curtailed by the constant
necessity of catching trains.
It seems to me that frankness is one of the most striking
features of our modern manners. People have got tired of
all the formality, all the ceremony that was once thought
necessary to good breeding. The circumlocution office has
gone out of fashion in good society, which has discovered
that a straight line is the shortest distance between two
points. Curves, no doubt, are more beautiful than straight
lines ; but what would you 1 Curves take time ; and what
a pity it would be to lose time that might be so much more
profitably spent in the sacred business of amusement !
We have lost our belief in many things in these days, and
among others, in lying, that is, in polite lying. Whether
this is from any access of virtue on our part is more than
doubtful. Perhaps it is rather that people just now value the
noble art of lying too highly to use it lightly. It is of course
needed constantly in business, so why waste it on mere mat-
ters of ceremony 1 Besides, the truth, after all, is more direct,
and easier to tell ; so, since the polite world has agreed to tell
it in many instances, what fashion is easier to follow 1
Ceremony is in a great measure humbug ; that is to say,
it consists largely in saying and doing things one does not
mean, and which the other side knows one doesuot mean.
Take, for instance, the Spanish custom of bestowing any
article that is admired, on the person who admires it. It
is perhaps a pretty little piece of acting ; but would it not
be difficult for one of our Northern race to go through this
polite humbug without a smile at the farce 1 Our directness
may be brutal, but it has this advantage, you know on
what ground you are standing.
A good illustration of the greater frankness of manners in
this day is, that it is no longer considered necessary to say
that you have had a good time, when taking leave of your
FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 27
hostess after a dinner-party or other entertainment. What a
saving of white lies would have been effected if this simple
and self-evident rule had been adopted at the first primeval
tea-party !
It is interesting to note that according to Buddhist tradi-
tion the first lie was told by a king, and was therefore no
doubt a white, or society lie. The citizens who heard it
were even more innocent than George Washington. He, at
least, knew what a lie was, if he did n't know how to tell
one ; but these poor people were utterly ignorant on the sub-
ject, and asked whether a lie was white, black, or blue ! It
is to be feared that the blue lie has disappeared from the face
of the earth, unless it survives in that kind of swearing which
is said to turn the air blue.
It was the custom, not so many years ago, for a hostess,
when bidding adieu to ladies calling upon her, to accompany
them as far as the door of the house. This fashion, like so
many others involving time and trouble, has gone out of
style, though some people still keep it up. As it prolongs
the agony of leave-taking indefinitely, and often keeps the
hostess standing in the cold of the open doorway, it would
seem to be a custom more honored in the breach than in the
observance.
But how different was the old-fashioned view of the matter !
How well do I remember a most polite old lady in New York,
who has now been dead for many years ! She always insisted
upon opening the door for her visitors, the door through
which she herself had not ventured to pass for twenty years.
She was over eighty years of age, and very rheumatic ; but
she ivould do what politeness required of her, as long as she
could walk.
Another very noticeable change in manners is in the form
of address. It is no longer considered necessary, or even
the right thing, to say " Yes, madam," or " Yes, sir." The
28 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
" Mum " in which Uncle Pumblechook delighted is a thing
of the past, and with it "ma'am," or "rn'in," is also depart-
ing from our midst. This is certainly carrying out the
Scriptural injunction, " Let your communication be yea, yea ;
nay, nay ; " but it is very doubtful whether the change is
due to any religious feeling or scruple. No, it is a simple
following of the English custom, though it fits well enough,
perhaps, with republican simplicity.
In the mouths of children, the simple monosyllables " yes "
and " no " certainly sound a little startling when addressed to
their elders ; but what would you ? Autre temps, autres mceurs.
It seems a pity to bring children up to use forms of expres-
sion that are fast becoming obsolete ; and the child who has
been taught from its earliest infancy to speak thus, sees no
impropriety or disrespect to age in so doing.
After all, when we look into the matter, " sir " is short for
" sire," a title savoring strongly of monarchies, and there-
fore to be avoided by good democrats, using the word in its
broad sense. " Madame," French Ma dame, " my lady,"
is a hardly more desirable title in these days, when the word
" lady " has been so abused that those Avho perhaps have
the best claim to it use it but little, preferring the broader
term "woman," and for young lady, "girl."
There is something quite delightful in this abandonment of
the much-abused words " lady " and " gentleman " by those
to whom, in the old sense, the words exclusively applied.
They make no protest against " washer-ladies," or gentlemen
who need to be told " not to spit on the cabin floor, out of
respect for the ladies ; " but with quiet satire they are content
to call themselves simply men and women, as the English
nobleman signs himself " Argyle " or " Dufferiu."
In this country, where all are free and equal, and where
our forms of address are so simple and democratic, we do not
realize the caste spirit, the degradation and corresponding
FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 29
elevation implied in the use of different persons of the verb
in European countries. An Italian a political refugee in
the old troublous times of Italy explained to his pupils
with considerable warmth that republicans in Italy repu-
diated as slavish the old mode of address, namely, the use
of the third person singular feminine, lei, or, as we should
say, " she." He said it meant sa majesta " her majesty "
and of course was a really servile mode of address not to be
tolerated by freedom-loving republicans. In the same way,
in Germany, only servants or inferiors are spoken to in the
second person plural. All others are addressed in the third
person plural, " they," save relatives and intimates, who
are called " thou."
Many of the changes in social customs that have taken
place in this country are owing to the great growth of society
itself. Formerly, when the country was comparatively small,
and people of good breeding comparatively rare, society, so
called, was very much smaller than it is now, and the relations
of those belonging to it were necessarily more personal, even
if more formal. The hostess felt more responsibility for the
entertainment of her guests, and took more pains to see that
they were amused and comfortable, than it is now customary
to take. The lady of the house was temporarily a social
queen, and her guests were her subjects ; now a party or a
ball is simply a republic where all are equal, at least, where
the fact of being hostess gives little title to distinction or
prominence.
As a logical result of these new theories the uncomforta-
ble custom of pressing your guests to eat, has been happily
relegated to past ages. It is assumed, and very properly,
that a guest is not, or ought not to be, afraid to eat as much
as he wants; so while everything on the table should be
handed to him, he should not be urged to eat this, that, or
the other.
30 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
This idea of the propriety of pressing guests to eat or drink,
evidently had its origin in a more primitive state of society,
and in times when social gatherings were not so numerous
as now. The regular society habitue* of these days goes too
constantly into the gay world, to stand in the slightest awe
of his hostess, or of any one else, and is quite to be trusted
to look after his own interests.
Another custom in which we have improved on the ways
of our forefathers is that of allowing each person to pay for
himself, whether in public conveyances, or at the theatre
and other places of amusement. Of course this does not
apply to formal opera or theatre parties, where the invita-
tions all come from one person, who buys and pays for all
the tickets himself. But the theory that a ladyjs never to
be allowed to pay anything for herself, even in a horse-car,
is obsolescent, if not obsolete. A gentleman should certainly
offer to pay for a lady on such occasions, but he should not
insist upon doing so. If she evidently prefers to pay her
own way, she should be allowed that privilege, without a
prolonged discussion. It is no longer " good form " for two
people to vie with each other in politeness.
Still another evidence of the greater frankness and directness
of modern society, of the fact that matters are placed more
nearly on a business footing now than formerly, is to be found
in the change in methods of shopping. No one now has the
time or the inclination to haggle over prices when on a shop-
ping tour ; nor would it be of any use, in most cases, to do
so. And yet, in the times of our mothers and grandmothers,
" cheapening " was a necessary part of the art of purchasing.
Of course in the wholesale business it still prevails almost
without exception ; but let us rejoice that in ordinary shop-
ping, at least, we no longer need to fight these wordy and
long-winded battles where one party or the other surrenders
from sheer exhaustion.
FRANKNESS OF MODERN MANNERS. 31
There are some people who still persist in cutting down
every bill that is rendered to them ; but it is to be more
than suspected that their tradespeople soon come to un-
derstand this little weakness, and make the accounts out to
meet it.
CHAPTER V.
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES.
WE do not often associate in our minds the famous Magna
Charta of English history, the source of so great a part of our
modern liberty, and the insignificant bits of pasteboard which
constitute modern visiting cards. Nevertheless, they come
from the same Greek root, signifying paper; or, to speak
more exactly, card is derived from charta (Greek ^apr^s).
Thus the sword is beat into the ploughshare, and the formal
instrument for fettering the caprices of tyrants softens into
the peaceful emblem of social recognition.
In the ancient " cartel of defiance " we find a more directly
hostile meaning to our word with a slight change in its
form than in charter. A cartel means, among other things,
a challenge to single combat. Ben Jonson says, " You shall
cartel him." Where two strangers quarrel, the one who has
reason to expect a challenge presents his opponent with his
card, so that the latter may know where to find him, a
pleasant little courteous preliminary to the most polite form
of murder, the duel.
Under ordinary circumstances, however, the exchange of
visiting cards is an eminently peaceful act, and would at
the first blush seem to be a very simple affair. But with
the perverse ingenuity in which the human mind delights,
mankind, or rather womankind, has involved even this ap-
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 33
parently innocent ceremony in a large amount of red tape
and confusion. Nothing would appear to be simpler than
for one neighbor to leave her card upon another ; but it is
just such apparently insignificant acts, such "first steps, "
that have embroiled nations in countless wars.
" Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise cards to leave ! "
The following somewhat detailed account of visiting cards
and their chief uses is submitted, in the hope that it may
prove of use. It has been compiled from three sources,
personal experience ; the works on the subject written by the
best and most recent authorities ; and last, but not least, from
consultations with divers wise, witty, and fashionable women,
to whom all the " newest fads " on both sides of the water
are as familiar as A, B, C.
Visiting cards should be engraved in script, fine rather
than large, and should be of unglazed cardboard. They
should be perfectly plain, that is, without ornamentation of
any sort ; a fine, rather thin pasteboard is usually preferred
for them. Indeed, very little room for individual taste is
allowed in the matter of cards, which resemble each other
much as one dress-suit resembles the next. German text is
sometimes used for engraving the names, but it is more apt
to go out of style than plain script. Very fine lettering,
like any other singularity, is in bad taste. Gentlemen's
cards are smaller than ladies', and are also narrower in pro-
portion to their length. It was formerly a mooted point
whether a gentleman's visiting card looked better with or
without " Mr." prefixed to his name. Almost all young men
of fashion now use the " Mr.," which is considered to be in
better form.
For a lady there is no room for choice in the matter. She
must always use " Miss " or " Mrs." on her visiting card. If
3
34 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
a young lady, she may use either her initials or her full name,
but never a nickname. " Miss Mamie Smith " on a card is
in very bad form. Nicknames are all very -well at home, or
among intimate friends, but they are out of place on a visit-
ing card because they are too familiar ; and a card is, or should
be, a formal matter. It is now the fashion for young ladies
to have their names printed in full, thus :
isViida
Indeed, every one who has a middle name, now displays it
on his or her card.
An army or navy officer, a physician, a judge, or a minister
may use his title on his card. For a physician, " M. D." is
preferable to " Dr.," because the latter is such a very vague
term, and means so many different things. Militia or com-
plimentary titles are not used on visiting cards, nor are
coats-of-arms. In this republican country it is considered
an affectation and in bad taste thus to make use of them.
Husband and wife do not often now have their names en-
graved on the same card, except for wedding cards, or for
sending wedding presents, etc. For visiting, each gentleman
of the family has his own card, although, sooth to say, he
seldom leaves it himself, intrusting that duty to his wife, his
mother, or his sisters.
Every one's card should have the address of the owner
engraved in the right-hand corner ; that is to say, the street
and the number where he lives, but not the name of the
city. If a lady lias a reception day, it is engraved usually
in the left-hand corner. The address is often omitted from
the cards of very young ladies, and sometimes from those of
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 35
married ladies, in which case the card of the husband, with the
address, must always be left. Young men belonging to a fash-
ionable or well-known club often put its name, instead of their
residence, on their cards. This is especially the case where
they do not live at home, but board or have rooms in the city.
A married lady should have her husband's full name or
his initials on her card, and not her own. Even where a
woman occupies a prominent position in the world of art or
letters she usually follows this rule, especially if she is at
the same time what is technically termed " a society woman."
Where the last name is not a very common one, a lady some-
times compromises the matter by using no initials, and calling
herself simply "Mrs. Dunbar." But she has not, strictly
speaking, a right to put " Mrs. Dunbar " on her card, unless
her husband is the eldest married man of his family, or be-
longs to the eldest branch of it. Thus, where there are two
brothers who are both married, the wife of the elder one only
can use " Mrs. Dunbar " on her card. But if her husband
has an uncle, even though he may be a younger man than
his nephew, this right belongs to his (the uncle's) wife.
The same rule holds good for unmarried ladies. The eld-
est single daughter of the eldest brother, and she alone, has
a right to use " Miss Cavendish " on her card, although she
may have a cousin who is much older than herself but who
is the daughter of a younger brother of the same family.
The existence of an aged aunt, or cousin belonging to an
elder branch, will deprive both young ladies of this coveted
privilege.
In this country, where we are considered by foreigners as
being so very radical, we are in reality more conservative in
the matter of merging a married woman's name in that of
her husband than are most European nations. An English-
woman of rank keeps her own title, where she marries a man
of inferior station. If Lady Evelina Stuart marries Mr. John
36
SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Smith, she becomes Lady Evelina Smith, and not Mrs. John
Smith. So, on the Continent, it is quite common for a
married woman to keep her maiden name in addition to her
husband's, the husband's name being placed first.
A widow has no legal right to use her husband's initials ;
but she often prefers to retain them on her card, and it is
entirely proper for her to do so, the question being one of
sentiment and feeling alone. Where a widow has a son
who is married, and whose name is the same as his father's,
there may arise some confusion, however, between the two
"Mrs. T. E. Jones," unless the elder lady puts "Sr." on
her cards, as she sometimes does. Widows often use their
own names or initials, as " Mrs. Mary Jones," and it is
perhaps less confusing for them to do so.
The custom of having the names of the daughter or
daughters engraved below that of their mother is growing
in favor. Thus :
i^WM
or
Indeed, those who are strict in the matter of etiquette say
that a young lady should not leave her own card without
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 37
that of her mother or chaperone during her first year in
society. English etiquette is much stricter ; according to its
rules a young lady has no card of her own, her name being
engraved on that of her mother.
When must one call personally, and when will it suffice
to send cards by a servant or through the post 1 These are
questions not so thoroughly settled in this country as in
Europe, where the social treadmill has been so long in full
operation that as a matter of necessity its laws have become
definitely fixed.
As society increases in size, there is a growing tendency in
our large cities toward simplifying the burden of social duties.
It is not now considered necessary to call in person under
various circumstances where formerly the rule was that one
must do so. Even the post-office is coming gradually into
requisition as an agent for discharging social obligations;
but as yet it is only sparingly used, and with definite
limitations.
Thus P. P. C. cards may be sent by mail, where the person
leaving town has not the time to make a personal visit.
Also, where one is unable to attend a reception, or an after-
noon tea, cards may be sent by mail (it is better to send
them by a messenger), to arrive on the day of the entertain-
ment. This relieves the sender from the necessity of making
a subsequent call ; indeed, the unspeakable advantage of
afternoon teas, kettledrums, and receptions is, that you enjoy
your party and make your visit all at the same time. It is
an economic device worthy the brain of a John Stuart Mill,
and possibly secretly invented by him. The great popularity
of afternoon teas no doubt arises from the fact that they are
time-saving institutions.
Usually the servant who opens the door on these occasions
has a little silver salver in his hand for the cards of guests ;
otherwise, guests leave their cards on the hall table, as a
38 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
reminder to their hostess, who can hardly be expected to
remember, after a large reception, every one who has been
there.
When should P. P. C. cards be left or sent ? P. P. C., it
is hardly necessary to say, means Pour Prendre Conge" (to
take one's leave). Sometimes it is abbreviated thus, P. p. c.,
or p. p. c., but the capitals are used oftener than the small
letters. These cards are used when one is going away from
a place either permanently or for quite a length of time ; and
" P. P. C." is written in a corner of the card, usually the lower
right-hand one, to emphasize this fact. One does not leave
them, however, when about to go out of town for the summer,
since this is only a brief absence, and an absence that is made
by most people. On the other hand, it is quite proper to
send or leave P. P. C. cards when one goes away from a
watering-place or other summer resort, especially if the people
to whom you send them do not live in the same city or town
with yourself during the rest of the year. The obvious reason
for the propriety of sending these cards in lieu of making a
personal visit is, that when people go away they are almost
always hurried ; indeed, they are often obliged to leave very
suddenly, and under such circumstances that making visits
would be an impossibility.
Gentlemen in New York often send their cards by post,
instead of calling, on New Year's Day, now that New Year's
calls are going so rapidly out of fashion there. Some people
do not approve of this custom, and think that a gentleman
should either call, or take no notice of the day.
But there are certain visits which must be made personally
if one does not wish to break the rules of good society and
perhaps deeply offend people. After one has been invited
to a dinner-party, one must call within a week after the occa-
sion, call in person, and ask if the hostess is at home. A
dinner-party is one of the most solemn obligations of society ;
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 39
if you accept an invitation to one, only death or mortal
illness is a legitimate excuse for not attending it, and you
must have nearly as good a reason for not calling promptly
after it.
According to the strict rule, one should also call within a
week after any entertainment to which one has been invited ;
but this is often impossible, and resembles one of those rules
ia the Latin Grammar which have such a long list of " ex-
ceptions " that the rule itself seems quite dwarfed and insig-
nificant beside them. The actual or " working " rule is that
one calls, after every invitation, as soon as is practicable. In
Xew York, it is allowable to send your card, although people
of the old-fashioned sort would hardly think it the right thing
to do. In Boston, it is more the custom to call in person,
and very properly, because Boston is a smaller city, and the
distances are not so immense as in New York, whose extreme
narrowness of shape increases the effect of its great size. A
pious subterfuge is practised, however, in the Puritan City
and elsewhere, by which you send your empty carriage, the
footman accompanying it and leaving cards.
Society holds young people, and people who have plenty
of leisure time, much more strictly to account in the matter
of visiting than it does elderly persons, or those whose hands
are so full that they have comparatively little time to give
to the claims of social life. A young mother with a nursery
full of little ones, a literary woman, an artist, a professional
woman, all these are allowed a certain immunity from
social duties. But no young lady must expect to find herself
excused from paying calls because she is " too busy having a
good time." If she can go to a party to amuse herself, she
must call afterwards to acknowledge the attention her hostess
has paid her by the invitation.
How often is it necessary to pay formal calls ] Where no
invitations have been received, once a year is all that the
40 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
strict rules of society require in large cities. According to
some authorities it is sufficient for such a formal call to leave
cards at the door, or even to send them in an envelope ; but
it certainly seems more cordial and friendly to make the
yearly call in person, and to ask at the door if the ladies are
receiving, if one can possibly spare the time to do so.
As many servants in this country cannot reconcile it to
their consciences to say a lady is " not at home " when she
is in the house, it is often a wise precaution for the visitor
to ask if the ladies are receiving on that day. Thus the con-
science of Betty, which is curiously tender on this one point,
considering her habitual views of truth, is spared, and the
caller is often relieved from the necessity of making a formal
call for which she perhaps has not really time. The servant
too, from the form of the inquiry, and from seeing cards in
the visitor's hands, is enabled to distinguish between a
ceremonious caller and a friend of her mistress who really
wishes to see the lady of the house.
Where there are several ladies in the house, it is usual for
a caller to leave two cards ; even three are sometimes left,
where there is some stranger also staying in the house. But
do not be too prodigal with your pasteboard, because that
would seem a little ostentatious, a little like "overdoing."
It is said that one lady should never leave more than three
of her own cards at the same house ; she may of course
leave cards for the other members of her family, in modera-
tion. It is becoming quite customary for a wife to leave her
husband's cards, and indeed for any lady to leave the cards
of the gentlemen of her family even when she herself is ad-
mitted and pays her visit. In this case she leaves them on
the hall table.
The custom of receiving on a certain day in the week is
a sensible and hospitable one, but alas ! it takes up a great
deal of time. Where a lady thus sets apart a certain day for
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 41
receiving her friends, it is much more polite to call on that
day of the week when it is possible to do so. Especially is
this the case when the ladies of one neighborhood or of one
street fix on the same day for receiving friends. But the
case is quite otherwise when a lady sends out cards announc-
ing that she is " at home " on " Wednesdays in January and
February." If one knows that a lady has thus issued cards
for a series of receptions, even though they be quite informal
occasions, one should avoid calling on those particular days
unless one has received a card with the necessary invitation.
The custom of sending out cards for a certain day through-
out one month is a very good one ; a lady is thus enabled
to receive her friends very informally, without giving up a
great deal of her time, and she also avoids the " crash " that
is apt to ensue if she gives only a single afternoon tea or
reception.
The custom of cornering cards or turning them down at
one end is going out of fashion. This is certainly cause for
rejoicing, because the exact meanings of the various turnings
have never been clearly established and understood in this
country, as they are in Europe.
According to the doctrine that is usually received here, the
turning down of one end (ordinarily the right end) indicates
that you have called in person, while turning down one
corner, usually the right upper one, means that the card is
left for more than one person. Old-fashioned authorities in-
sist that a card ought always to be turned down across the
whole end, or else the recipient will suppose that the visitor
has not called in person. This may have been true ten or
fifteen years ago ; it certainly is not true now. The custom
of to-day is to leave the cards without any turnings, unless
in calling upon people of the old school, in which case a
lady would be apt to turn down her card, lest it might be
supposed that she had not come in person.
42 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
If she happened to have only one card remaining, and
there was a visitor staying in the house, she would impress
on the servant's mind that the card was meant for both
ladies, or she might write on it " For Mrs. Jenckes and Mrs.
Appleton." Where only one card is left, it is always held
to be for the lady of the house.
After a removal from one part of a city to another, it is
now becoming customary for ladies to send cards engraved
with their new address to all their circle of acquaintance.
These cards serve instead of a personal visit, as people evi-
dently cannot make calls in the confusion consequent upon
moving, and settling in a new house.
Although authorities differ on many subjects connected
with manners, they all agree in saying that first calls should
be promptly returned, within a week, under ordinary cir-
cumstances. Brides who upon their marriage go to live in
another city sometimes give great offence by neglecting to
return visits of this sort : and it is entirely reasonable and
natural that those who pay a first call, which is equivalent
to an offer to make one's acquaintance, should feel hurt if
their advance is not recognized and reciprocated.
In America, it is the usual custom for residents of a city
or town to call first upon new-comers. Washington is a
well-known exception to this rule, the strangers calling first,
as indeed they do in most European cities.
It is also the custom in some cities for the older residents
in a certain street or neighborhood to call upon those who
have recently moved to that part ; I need hardly say that
these latter should by all means return such calls. The good
old custom of interchanging neighborly civilities should cer-
tainly not be allowed to die out. It is not necessary to
become intimate with your neighbors if they are not people
who are sympathetic to you; but for two families to live
next door to one another year after year, and never to show
VISITING CARDS AND THEIB USES. 43
any token of mutual good-will, or perhaps even of mutual
recognition, argues that their civilization is below that of
rustics. Indeed, it would probably be considered as bad
form even in Ashantee.
Except in the case of neighbors, a lady needs however to
be very cautious about making first calls unless she is cer-
tain that her acquaintance will be considered desirable by
those whom she visits in this way. Thus if Mrs. A. is a
woman of greater wealth or higher social position than Mrs.
B., the latter will hesitate to call first upon the former un-
less she is asked to do so, for fear she may be thought
pushing.
Where society is divided into certain cliques or sets, as is
too often the case in our cities, a lady belonging to the less
fashionable clique should hesitate long before calling upon
one of a more fashionable circle, even though she may have
been introduced to the other lady, and may have met her
a number of times on social or other occasions.
It is simply a question of the Golden Rule, which applies
more to social customs than the unthinking realize or per-
ceive. Do not call first on any one who your common sense
tells you would in all probability prefer not to make your
acquaintance, or, if that is already made, not to add you to
her visiting list. True, this is mortifying to one's vanity, but
it does one's vanity good to trample on it occasionally ; and
if we do this unpleasant office for ourselves, others will be less
likely to do it for us. Vanity, moreover, can be well repressed
without in the least injuring self-respect, which is a very
different quality.
First calls must be returned personally as well as promptly,
in order that you may not appear to slight those who have
made the first demonstration of courtesy. A lady does not
wish to be outdone in politeness even by some one whose
acquaintance she may not especially desire.
44 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
But if the lady who calls first only leaves her card, then
the second lady responds by leaving her card in like manner ;
or if the first merely sends her card through the post, then
the second does likewise.
An important exception to this rule is made where the lady
who sends her cards through the post sends at the same time
an invitation to some entertainment at her house. As this
expresses more good-will and is a greater compliment than
the making of a formal call, the second lady should receive
the courtesy in the spirit in which it was meant. She should
call very soon after the entertainment, and in person, since a
first invitation is a more formal matter than subsequent ones,
just as a first call is ; and both must be responded to with
special formality.
In making a first call, a card should be left for each lady
of the family ; where there are several young ladies who are
sisters, and their mother is living, it suffices to leave two
cards, one for the mother and one for the daughters. A
lady also leaves the cards of her own immediate family, in
making the first call of the season, including those of her
husband.
One married lady in calling upon another leaves two of
her husband's cards, one for the lady of the house and the
other for the husband. Even if admitted, the caller leaves
these cards on the hall table.
People who are in mourning should have a black border
on their visiting cards ; it is en regie to leave cards for people
in affliction, though one should make inquiries at the door,
and not ask for admittance, where one is not an intimate
friend of the family. These cards of condolence are answered
by enclosing mourning cards and sending them to people
who have called in this way, after a proper lapse of time ;
that is, when the mourners feel ready to receive visits once
more.
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 45
One should also call, or at least send cards, when an en-
gagement is announced, or when a marriage has taken place,
in the family of an acquaintance. When a friend or acquaint-
ance has made a prolonged absence, in Europe or elsewhere,
it is usual to call upon her ; but it is equally proper for the
person who has been absent to make the first call if she pre-
fers to do so. Society is growing so large in our great cities,
and is likewise so self-absorbed, that the latter course is the
wiser one if a lady wishes to recall herself to people's minds.
She may naturally expect her intimate friends to make the
first call ; but she should not feel hurt if others neglect to
do so.
It is the custom in New York, if not elsewhere, for people
who are temporarily staying in the city to send their cards,
with address upon them, to those whom they wish to have
call ; otherwise they might remain for weeks without their
friends being at all aware of their presence in the city. Cards
should not be sent in this way to mere acquaintances, how-
ever, unless they have especially expressed the desire to be
informed of one's arrival.
Where one is invited to any entertainment by a new ac-
quaintance, one should leave cards without delay, according
to rule ; but this is a canon which is certainly often violated.
At least one should be very particular to call within a week
after the event, even if one has also left cards upon receiving
the invitation.
Those who send invitations to people to whom they owe
calls which they have been unable to pay, sometimes enclose
their cards with the invitation, thus showing that the call has
been omitted from the pressure of time and circumstances,
but not with intention to neglect. This should always be
done when inviting those on whom one has never called,
although the better way would be to call before sending the
invitation.
46 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
The hours for formal calling differ in different cities,
though there seems to be a growing tendency in New York
and Boston to make the calling hours later and later. A re-
cent authority says that from four to six is the proper time to
make ceremonious calls in New York ; but many people call
earlier than this, and in the short winter days it is surely
allowable to make visits at least as early as three o'clock.
One should carefully avoid the lunch or dinner hour in call-
ing even upon friends, and of course much more in the case of
acquaintances. Where one has been told, however, to call at
the lunch-hour, one is naturally at liberty to do so. People
sometimes say, " Our lunch-hour is so-and-so ; come and see
me then, and you will be sure to find me at home." In such
a case it is perfectly proper to go at the hour named ; but
if the friend is at lunch it is not polite to detain her. "Word
should be sent in that one will wait till the meal is over.
If the friend comes out and asks you to the lunch-table, you
should go in without peradventure, or else take your leave at
once. It is very thoughtless, if not positively ill bred, to
play the part of dog-in-the-manger, and by refusing to comply
with your friend's request, compel her to delay or go without
her meal ; and yet it is a thing that is often done, from want
of thought.
Calling has become so ceremonious, and has grown to con-
sist so largely of a simple exchange of cards, that a practice
of making informal calls in the morning iipon friends and
intimates is coming much into vogue in our large cities. For
these unceremonious visits a lady should not wear an elabo-
rate toilette. Unless one is extremely intimate with a friend,
however, it is best not to call at a very early hour, before
twelve or one o'clock for instance.
A lady should always carefully consider her friends' occu-
pations, habits, and ways of life, and should avoid making
even a very friendly visit at an hour whei she knows the
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 47
person in question will probably be otherwise engaged. It
may seem perhaps superfluous to mention such self-evident
facts as these ; but the truth is that it is just such rules that
are often violated by well-bred people who are either thought-
less or selh'sh. " Save me from my friends " is a saying
whose use is not yet accomplished and done with. Many
people who would start back in horror at the mere thought of
committing any breach of certain conventional rules, will
wantonly violate the ethical and unwritten laws of good
breeding without hesitation.
Thus, ladies in the country will make calls upon a friend
in the morning hours, when they are well aware that the
said friend has only one, or perhaps no servant, and is
obliged to be busied over her housework. If the thought-
less caller happens to be rich in the goods of this world,
and drives up to the friend's door in her carriage, she will be
almost certain to mortify the other's feelings by her untimely
arrival.
There is a certain gentleman in New York who moves in
what is considered the best society, and who is very punc-
tilious in most matters of ceremony ; but he frequently enters
the houses of his friends without first paying his respects to
the door-mat. Well, possibly such men are to be found out
of New York too. Other gentlemen endeavor to " sit each
other out " when calling, although they know perfectly well
that according to the laws of good manners the first-comer
should be the first to take his leave.
According to strict rules, a gentleman should never call
upon a young lady without asking also for her mother or
chaperone ; but where a young man knows a young lady
very well this formality is apt to be dispensed with. Society
in America is growing more strict on this subject, however,
than it used to be, and the chaperone is gradually assuming
larger and larger powers, and taking more and more the posi-
48 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
tion of an English or Continental matron. It is a question
upon which there is a wide difference of opinion, and of
which more will be said in another chapter.
Certainly in making a formal call a gentleman should ask
for the lady of the house as well as for the young ladies, and
should leave cards for her and also for the gentlemen of the
family. Although business men seldom make calls in person
and cannot reasonably be expected to do so, a young man of
leisure or a college student is not so easily excused for thus
neglecting his social duties.
A gentleman should never call on a lady unless she has
asked him to do so v or he has asked and received her leave
to come. If he brings a letter of introduction, he may of
course call, or if an intimate friend of the house one who
has a right to introduce people there brings him. A lady
is at liberty to ask a gentleman to call if she wishes to do so,
although a young lady should not give such an invitation
until she knows him quite well, and should always phrase it
in such a way as to show that not she alone but her mother
also would be pleased to receive the visit. " We should be
glad to see you on any Wednesday afternoon," or, " I hope
we shall see you at our house." Strictly speaking, such an
invitation should come from the chaperone, and not from the
young lady.
A gentleman is required to call at once upon receiving an
invitation from a new acquaintance or a stranger, and also to
call after the entertainment. But if he answers the invitation
promptly, and calls soon after the gay event, whatever it may
be, he does as well as most American gentlemen do ; foreign
etiquette is more stringent than ours on this, as on many
other points.
It is quite permissible to leave cards without asking for
the ladies of the house, where one is much pressed for time
or has any special reason for not doing so ; but it is not
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 49
allowable on a lady's regular reception day, since this would
imply that you did not care to see her.
This does not conflict with the rule in accordance with
which one sends cards when invited to a special reception if
unable to attend it. In this latter case the card is sent in
acknowledgment of the invitation, serving also as a substi-
tute for personal attendance. But while one may very easily
be prevented from attending special receptions, one has not
the same excuse where a lady has a regular day for receiving
her friends throughout the season.
When one lady calls upon another whom she already
knows, and when she finds the latter at home, she should
not send up her card, but should merely give her name to
the servant. This is English etiquette, and is also according
to strict rule in this country. Nevertheless, cards often are
sent up, either through a blunder of the servant or because
that functionary looks so hopelessly stupid as to show that
no name would be safe in his keeping for two minutes. In
very stylish houses the servant announces the name of each
visitor, where the lady of the house is already in the drawing-
room.
It is not strictly necessary to leave cards upon the hall
table where one is admitted to pay a visit, but it is very
customary to do so, especially in New York. A card so left
is intended merely as a reminder to the lady of the house
that she may not forget who have called upon her. "When
calling upon a stranger, a lady should send in her card, but
she must never, under any circumstances, hand it to her
hostess.
It is considered uncivil not to see a caller who has once
been admitted to the house, unless there is some very strong
reason for not doing so ; hence it is very desirable to give
servants clear directions as to what they shall say to visitors,
so that no one shall be admitted by mistake. But it is also
50 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
very unpleasant to people who are making calls if they are
ohliged to wait a long time before seeing the hostess ; there-
fore where one cannot appear for some little time, it is hetter
to send word to the visitor that Mrs. So-and-so will be very
happy to see her if she can wait five or ten minutes, as the
case may be.
It is certainly very uncivil to keep a caller waiting for
any length of time ; if one cannot make one's appearance
promptly, it is usually best not to detain a visitor. I have
known elderly ladies to be very much annoyed when kept
waiting in this way.
Where a caller has been admitted by mistake, and one can-
not come down to receive the visit, the servant should be
told to apologize for her mistress, and if the latter is just
going out, or is lying down, the servant may very properly
say so. Where the servant is uncertain whether or not her
mistress is at home to visitors, it is usual to send up a
card, although it is perhaps better form to send up the name
only.
It is not considered polite to call upon a friend who is
staying at another person's house, without leaving cards for
the hostess also, even if the latter is a stranger to you ; other-
wise you appear to be making a convenience of some one
else's house.
If admitted, it is usual for the caller in the course of
her visit to ask whether or not the lady of the house will
see her. While one must be careful to pay all due con-
sideration to the hostess of a friend, one must also avoid
forcing one's acquaintanceship upon her if she appears not
to desire it, or if there is reason to suppose that she will not
desire it.
The Countess * * * says in her book, " If there are visitors
staying in the house, it is better to distinguish the cards in-
tended for them by writing their names above your own."
VISITING CARDS AND THEIR USES. 51
This could only be done when the ladies were not at home ;
and in America it is considered in better form not to write
the names thus, unless when calling at a hotel. Still, it is
sometimes done, "For Mrs. Roderick," or whoever the visitor
may be, being written on the upper part of the card with a
black lead-pencil. It is considered inelegant to write with a
colored pencil, just as it is to use colored ink.
There should always be a special place the hall table
usually for the cards of the day, and the servant should be
instructed to leave them there until his mistress has seen
them. She can then tell by their number whether the calls
were intended for her visitor as well as for herself.
A young lady who is visiting at the house of a friend
should not invite gentlemen to call upon her, without asking
her hostess whether it will be convenient and agreeable to
have them do so. She should also ask the ladies of the
house to come down and have the gentlemen presented to
them, lest she may appear to be selfish in receiving her
callers, or to be doing so in a clandestine way.
Gentlemen leave their umbrellas in the hall, but bring
their canes and hats into the drawing-room with them, in
making morning calls, unless in houses where they are on
the footing of friends. As a gentleman is not allowed to
deposit these cumbrances anywhere save on the floor close
to his chair, their management requires some little tact, or
else the awkward man may step into his hat, and the forgetful
one may depart without his cane. In making evening calls
in New York, gentlemen now wear evening dress.
A lady rises when visitors enter, but need not cross the
room to receive them unless she wishes to do so. If they
are old friends, or people much older than herself, if they
are persons of distinction, or if the lady who is receiving is
of a very cordial disposition, she will be apt to go to meet
them.
52 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
But there is no universal rule on this point, and a lady
may fitly follow the promptings of her own nature in the
matter, taking care that she errs neither on the side of too
great effusiveness nor, still worse, on that of over-formality.
She should endeavor to pay equal attention to all her guests
as far as is possihle, and to have a few words at least with each
of them.
Where a second visitor arrives after the first has already
made a call of sufficient length, the visitor who came first
should take her leave soon after the arrival of the second
comer, but not instantly.
For a formal call, about fifteen minutes is usually con-
sidered the proper length of time ; one may prolong it to
half an hour occasionally, but only under "favorable cir-
cumstances," since it is far better to take one's leave before
people begin to wish that one would go. Emerson says :
" 'T is a defect in our manners, that they have not reached
the prescribing a limit to visits. That every well dressed
lady or gentleman should be at liberty to exceed ten minutes
in his or her call on serious people shows a civilization still
rude."
CHAPTER VI.
INVITATIONS.
IN writing an invitation, it is an excellent plan to " make
the punishment fit the crime," or, in plain English, to write
your invitation in such terms that the recipient shall under-
stand just what it means, just what sort and size of occasion
he is invited to attend.
This does not go against the fact that there are certain
prescribed modes and forms in which it is customary, and
therefore best, to write invitations. But some people, wish-
ing to make a party as informal as possible, invite their
guests with less formality than the size of the occasion war-
rants ; hence there is often a great diversity of dress, some
of the guests learning beforehand how large the party will
really be, and others supposing it will be limited to a very
few persons. Hence heart-burnings and mortification often
ensue, since most ladies, particularly very young ladies, pre-
fer to be dressed neither with more nor with less elaborate-
ness than others who are present with them.
Another cause for the undervaluation which people used to
put on their entertainments more than they do now, was the
old-fashioned idea of humility as being a necessary adjunct
of politeness. All this has been much modified in the man-
ners of to-day, whose frankness I have spoken of elsewhere
as being one of their pronounced features. Still, even now
it requires some knoAvledge of the uses of society to know just
what a form of invitation means ; and a society habitue^ him-
self often cannot tell just what the size or form of an enter-
tainment will be.
54 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Be explicit, therefore, within the bounds of politeness, in
your invitations ; let them all be uniform, not some verbal
and others written, and write them, or have them en-
graved, in plenty of time. Some hostesses do not send out
their invitations until the eleventh hour, and are then disap-
pointed because people do not come.
The length of time beforehand that an invitation should be
sent, depends on the formality and size of the occasion. For
a ball, two weeks is the usual time, and it is the same with
any very ceremonious occasion, a large dinner-party or a
formal luncheon.
People judge a little, and properly, of the size and formal-
ity of an entertainment from this "lapsed time" between
the receipt of the invitation and the occasion itself, but it is
not an infallible guide. If you invite your guests a long
time in advance of the event, they naturally infer that it is
one for which you yourself will make elaborate preparations,
or one that they will specially wish to attend, and that there-
fore they are notified of it in good season.
Engraved cards and note-paper are very much used at the
present day, both as being more elegant (in the true sense of
the word) and more convenient than writing so many invita-
tions. Per contra, for dinners it is quite fashionable to write
notes in the first person, even where one has only a slight
acquaintance with the person invited. This is the vogue of
the present moment, and does not apply to very large and
ceremonious dinner-parties.
In writing invitations, be very careful to write names and
dates distinctly. I have known some unhappy instances
where the guest arrived " the day after the fair " because he
mistook "Tuesday" for "Monday" in the note of invitation.
It need hardly be said that these notes should be written
very carefully in all respects, notably that of spacing cor-
rectly, where the invitation is a formal one, written in the
INVITATIONS. 55
third person. Thus, "Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Jenks" must
not be separated, even in a note of invitation; the whole
phrase must be written on the same line.
Another point to be observed in writing is, not to mix up
your second and third persons. Thus, it would not be allow-
able to write
/ s
of uo4 comnanu.
/ & / ff
It is permitted to employ this form in engraved invitations,
although it is not correct, grammatically speaking. No doubt
the use of it is considered allowable in engraved invitations
for large parties or balls, because it is so convenient, and
saves the trouble of filling in the names.
* x/ y/ y^/ y /
teattedfo tne yweaAaie of tne ccmManu of
& / / / ff /
'*.
ntna, :zl)ecemvel, twenty -
r ff
at nwe e cwcn.
is a correct form for an invitation to a large party or ball ; the
R. S. V. P. is often omitted. The name of the hostess only
56 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
should be used for all occasions save weddings and dinners.
For these, the invitations should always run in the name of
both host and hostess.
No matter how large or grand a ball you contemplate giv-
ing, you must not mention the word " ball " in your invita-
tions ; neither must you invite people to " a party," using
that word. Some of the English books on manners give ex-
press permission to use the phrase " evening party " in invi-
tations, but it is not done in these United States. We all
know, to be sure, that " Hans Breitman gave a party," but
the lamentable consequences which followed it prevent us
from doing likewise. No doubt the reason we do not use
these objectionable words is from an old notion that it is well
to assume the forms at least of modesty and humility, even if
we do not possess the virtues themselves.
For public balls it is allowable and usual to call a spade
a spade, and to use the word " ball," because the affair being
a public one, no arrogance is displayed by any individual in
using the proper term. Instead of " Dancing," " Cotillon "
may be engraved in the left-hand corner when there is to be a
german ; or the hour may be added, " Cotillon at ten."
t^HU. valet
f tgj&
fatutatu twenty -mt'ta.
<f s S
This form is preferred very often to the one given on the
preceding page, and saves the trouble of writing in the names.
It is always easy to learn from first-class stationers what are
INVITATIONS. 57
the customary forms to be used for invitations for various oc-
casions, and to have the cards or note-paper engraved either
in whole or in part. It is quite a convenience for ladies who
entertain frequently, to have these forms engraved, with
spaces left for the date and the names of guests.
Invitation cards should be perfectly plain, and engraved
in plain script. The same is true of the engraved note-paper
which is now used largely instead of cards. This paper is
always white, and rather heavy. It may have a coat-of-
arms, or monogram, or^both, embossed in Avhite, but colored
designs have gone out of fashion for this purpose. Perfectly
plain envelopes also are now used for invitations. If they
are sent by post, two envelopes should always be sent.
In England, it is entirely proper to send invitations through
the post-office, and the custom is such a sensible and excel-
lent one that it is growing in favor in this country. When we
remember how often messenger boys "post letters in a snow-
bank," in case of any difficulty about finding the address, we
ought to be more willing to trust to the paternal Government,
with its efficient public servants especially trained to solve
riddles in the way of addresses.
The English, who ape French customs less than we do,
use the phrase " The favor of an answer is requested," instead
of R. S. V. P. (Repondez S'il Vous Plait).
Never use ruled paper either for writing or answering in-
vitations, or indeed for any letters save business communica-
tions. Probably the reasons in accordance with which ruled
paper is considered to be in such bad style are : First, be-
cause it seems commercial, and our society, like the English,
still has a horror of anything that smacks of trade. When it
is considered how largely our aristocracy, so far as we have
any, is founded upon trade, and composed of people whose
fortunes were all made in business, this little prejudice ap-
pears somewhat unreasonable. But beware of trifling with
58 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
prejudices ! It is more dangerous than meddling with prin-
ciples, as all men of the world know. The second reason
for which ruled paper is tabooed as a part of the furniture
of the writing-desk, is because its use implies that the writer
does not know how to write straight without lines, and every
lady and gentleman ought to be able to do that. Then,
ruled paper looks cheap, and " is used by everybody."
An English gentleman, a scion of the nobility, quite hor-
rified the inhabitants of Boston some years ago, by answering
his invitations on this same ruled paper, enclosed in a yellow
envelope, which he found at the Somerset Club, if I remem-
ber rightly. Of course society was in a state of collapse over
this British eccentricity ; but perhaps the truth of the matter
was that the Hon. Mr. supposed the use of the station-
ery in question was permissible in this country, since he found
it at one of our most fashionable clubs. 1
For dinner-parties, the invitations should be in the name
of both husband and wife.
<^Vi4. ancf <^Vi4<t.
teattedt Me /iteadeete
/ /
. atta t^vCt4. Konn <^r<<tn <t cotn/ianu at aennft,
tf / s
twenty -<teventn, at Atx c ctocn.
1 Since writing the above, I have read, in Mr. Adam Badeau's
"Aristocracy in England," that this same noble gentleman shakes
hands with the domestics of his friends on democratic principles ; so
INVITATIONS. 59
An invitation to dinner must be answered without loss of
time and without prevarication. If you have any reason to
suppose that you will not be able to attend the dinner-party,
there is no alternative but to refuse, since it may spoil the
whole occasion if the hostess does not know exactly who is
coming, and if she does not know it in good season.
Hence it is not unusual for the messenger who brings an
invitation to a dinner, to wait and see if there is any answer.
. anc/ ^WM. cc/m
<7
-teaiet eatleme/u. Wat a
s f f f
be mem c/ me 4i6sa<Hete cS a
. ana ^/nu. ponn ^run
ff
do/ife i'nvtfafeon fct aw
t_77tiwmv<e4 tivenfy -
)n ,./.,
f
is a proper form of refusal. Or if you accept, " accept with
pleasure the polite invitation," etc. Always mention the
hour, when accepting a dinner invitation, so as to be sure that
the natural inference is that the yellow envelope was used "malice
prepense," and that the Somerset Club should be acquitted from any
responsibility in so grave a matter.
60 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
there is no mistake about it. One should be careful also to
express one's self in courteous terms in answering a note of
invitation. If the note is a refusal, it is better, if possible, to
state the reason which has compelled one to refuse ; as,
. <ja
ieaie& twfame/u, Mat a faevtoat enaaa
Avett& Aet acafitwa
/ ff
*^wU. Wm. -. <.7wane /
tie tnvtfafam tot
Or, " must deprive her of the pleasure of accepting," etc.
If you are to be out of town, " absence from the city "
will be the excuse proper to send. Of course the form
" regrets extremely her inability to accept " is often used ; but
the other form seems more courteous, especially in answering
a first invitation, or any one where the entertainer will be
apt to suppose that there is an intention to slight her if no
reason for the refusal is given.
All invitations should be answered promptly, except those
to afternoon teas and receptions and "At Homes," which are
usually not answered at all. It is manifestly illogical to an-
swer a card which says merely "Mrs. Breeze At Home Friday,
January thirtieth," because the invitation is not worded in
such a way that it can be answered. Sometimes E. S. V. P.
is appended to an " At Home " card ; but this is an incorrect
INVITATIONS. 61
form of invitation, though used occasionally to save time and
trouble.
I find it stated in one book on manners, and a very good
book in many respects, that one should never write " polite "
invitation, but always " kind " or " very kind." The writer
adds that it the latter form "is English, you know,"
and states also that " polite " is no longer used in this way in
good society in America.
It is to be feared in this case that the wish was father to
the thought ; for however charming it might be in the eyes
of many people to have our social manners and customs be-
come mere duplicates of English forms, we certainly have not
yet reached that delightful apotheosis of Anglomania, perfect
similarity. " Kind " is certainly often used in answering notes
of invitation, but " polite " is still a proper and quite usual
form of expression in New York and Boston.
The same authority points out the incorrectness of such
forms of expression as " will have the pleasure of accepting,"
" will prevent his acceptance," " will accept," etc. You accept
or are prevented from accepting in the present tense, that
is, when you write the note, therefore it is incorrect to use
"will," which is in the future tense. Neither is it polite to
" decline " an invitation ; the refusal must be worded in a
more courteous form. One should never abbreviate, in writ-
ing either acceptances or regrets. They should always cor-
respond in style with the invitation, which should be referred
to in order that the answer may be exact.
Where a lady sends her visiting card with " At Home "
and the day and hour written upon it, no answer is necessary.
In sending your card in acknowledgment of such an invi-
tation, do not write " regrets " or anything else on it, as it
would be very impolite to do so.
If an invitation is issued in the name of " Mr. and Mrs.
Folsom," then one must accept or refuse Mr. and Mrs.
62 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Folsom's kind invitation ; or if Mrs. F. alone invites the
guests, then they send their answers to Mrs. F.
It is necessary to be explicit on this point, since some
people imagine that if they are not personally acquainted
with the hostess, they ought to send their answers to her in-
vitation not to her, but to whatever member of the family
they happen to know personally.
This is both illogical and absurd. Indeed, it would be
extremely rude to send to the daughter, for instance, an an-
swer to an invitation received from the mother. It would
imply that you thought the hostess had committed a breach
of etiquette in the form of her invitation. If a lady does
you the honor of asking you to her house, the least you can
do is to respond courteously, whether she is a stranger to you
or not.
A student at Harvard College, a few years ago, was some-
what surprised at receiving an invitation for a dancing party
at the house of a lady in Cambridge whom, he did not know.
As he was a great favorite in society, and a good dancer, he
concluded that he had been invited in the character of an
eligible partner, and went to the ball.
The hostess and her family treated him with such marked
politeness and courtesy that he began to fear something was
wrong. Subsequent inquiry revealed the fact that the invi-
tation had been intended for a classmate who bore the same
name and surname ; and the hostess was so much afraid that
her guest would discover the mistake, and would be mortified
to think he had come where he had not been invited, that
she showed him, by special attentions, that she was. pleased
to receive him as her guest. Verb. sat. sap.
Married people can never be invited separately, unless
on some occasion where ladies only or gentlemen only are
asked to be present. But if any gentlemen are invited, all
that is, all husbands must be. Even where it is well
INVITATIONS. 63
known that a lady or a gentleman never goes into society,
you must still pay the stay-at-home member the compliment
of asking him or her. In the case of very informal occasions,
or where another person is suddenly wanted to fill a vacant
seat at a dinner-table, this rule is sometimes waived among
intimate friends ; otherwise it is strictly adhered to, being
one of the active laws, as opposed to the dead letters of
social observances.
If a person finds that he cannot go to an entertainment
after he has accepted the invitation, he should write before
the occasion and send his " regrets." This is in accordance
with European custom, it is stated, but it is not usually done
here, except in the case of dinners, " sit-down " lunches, or
other occasions where the host needs to know the exact num-
ber of people who will be present, such as tea-parties, " sit-
down " suppers, etc. If only a few guests are invited, even to
an informal occasion, any one who finds that he cannot go,
after he has written that he will do so, should certainly write
and let his host know of his change of plan, because the
absence of one makes a great difference when only a small
number are invited.
Once in a while a very polite person will write to a hostess
who is about to give a party, and say that he is at the last
moment prevented from coming. But for balls or large parties
it is not customary to do so in America, unless one is to
be the guest of honor, or unless there is some other special
reason for writing.
Should one send invitations to people who are in mourn-
ing ? It is considered to be more polite to do so, except in
case of a recent bereavement. While a family is plunged in
deep sorrow and affliction, it is certainly more delicate and
considerate not to do anything which would jar upon their
feelings, and invitations coming at such a time would almost
certainly have that effect. But to people in the later periods
64 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
of mourning it is quite in order to send general invitations ;
that is, invitations to large parties, weddings, etc. Of course
they do not go ; but one should pay them the compliment of
asking them.
People who are in mourning do not plead a previous en-
gagement when declining an invitation, but regret simply,
without giving any reason. They then send by mail their
visiting cards with black borders, thus shewing clearly why
they cannot accept the invitation, the cards also serving in-
stead of a personal visit. These cards should be mailed on
the day when the ball or wedding takes place, and should be
enclosed in two envelopes. The same number should be sent
as if one were calling in person ; the lady would send one
card, and her husband would send two, one for the host
and one for the hostess.
" Avail " and " preclude " are words not thought to be in
good form for the answers to invitations. " An invite " for
" an invitation " is slang of the worst description.
In sending invitations to a family of several members, the
most approved method is to send one to the husband and
wife, a separate one to the daughters, be they few or many,
directed to the Misses Brown, and a third to the brothers,
addressed to Messrs. Brown. If there is only one son and
one daughter, an invitation may be sent to "Miss Brown and
brother ; " but " Misses Brown and brothers " is not advisa-
ble, although on these minor and less important points peo-
ple often follow their own convenience.
" Dr. Brown and family," however, is a form of invita-
tion not favored by those who are careful in such matters.
Quite as bad, or worse, is the other extreme, that of sending
a separate card of invitation to each member of a large family.
This looks ostentatious, and society dislikes rather particularly
ostentation of the sort.
CHAPTER VII.
DINNER-PARTIES, AND HOW. TO GIVE THEM.
THE extravagance of our modern dinner-table has grown to
be so great that it rivals those ancient Roman feasts where
dowries were expended on a single meal, and almost surpasses
Cleopatra's famed and costly beverage. But let not the pool-
imagine that endless dainties bring continual pleasure to the
palate ; or that all these fine dishes, with high-sounding
French names, taste any better than plain, homely fare,
carefully seasoned and well prepared, eaten with the best
sauce, hunger, and served hot ! Epicurism is apt to bring
its own reward in the very unpleasant shape of dyspep-,
sia ; and many a millionnaire sits at his richly-furnished
table eating gruel or drinking milk ! Sir , an
English nobleman who is thus unfortunately reduced to
" spoon food," eats nothing else at his own elaborate dinner-
parties ; but, with a truly noble spirit, he still points out to
others the best pieces on the dish, his eyes glistening at the
sight of the forbidden dainties.
Other more prudent bon-vivants live very simply when at
home, eating always of the best, but also of the simplest, and
reserving the full force of their appetite for grand occasions.
" I get dreadfully tired," said a well-known society woman
recently, " of these swell lunches, where you have a little bit
of this, and a scrap of the other, and nothing that amounts
to anything, a little chicken-bone in a silver saucepan, a
5
66 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
few truffles, lots of empty nothings ; and I come home hungry
and eat a good dinner." One certainly tires of elaborate
" made dishes " much sooner than of plain ones. People who
go often to restaurants know that the plain roast and boiled,
a good steak, or a hot chop are best ; it is dangerous to try
made dishes unless you are sure of the capacity of the cook
who made them.
Another great objection to formal banquets is the impossi-
bility of having the food .really hot, in the long and elaborate
succession of hands through which the dishes have to pass
before reaching the diners. Thomas Hazard, in his " Johnny-
cake " papers, tells how, in his grandfather's time, eels were
broiled on a gridiron and brought in from the kitchen on the
same utensil "smoking hot;" and he intimates that the
result was ambrosial.
Even " hotter " were the old-fashioned blazers, or chafing-^
dishes, on which each person at table broiled his own oysters
or his own venison. Some New England ladies use them to
this day for luncheon; and scrambled eggs cooked in this
way are superior to all others.
Rich people, too, get very tired of the formality and show
which accompany their daily meals, and enjoy a plain, good
dinner at a friend's house, because it is a novelty to them.
The famous dinner in the " Book of Snobs " is entirely true
to human nature, and will be remembered for its kindly and
humane sentiment long after Thackeray's more bitter utter-
ances shall have been laid on the shelf. Let no one hesitate,
therefore, to invite his friends to dinner merely because he
will be obliged to entertain them simply. Let the dinner be
plain, but good of its kind ; and remember that for people of
small means, quite as much as for the rich, it is important
to make a study of gastronomy, to combine those articles
of food which go well together. A small circle is still as
perfect as a large one.
DINNER-PARTIES. 67
Often, with a little thought, some dish can be devised
which will be at once unusual, good, and cheap. Thus,
flounders go for almost nothing in our markets, and yet are
really very delicious fish. Some of the French-made dishes
are economical of everything but labor. The French are
a thrifty people, and the style of dishes that they have
invented can be made to suit a light as well as a heavy
purse.
It is not well to attempt any elaborate dishes, however,
unless one has a really competent cook ; and above all, never
try any entirely new dish when you are going to have com-
pany. Culinary and other experiments should be tried only
in the bosom of one's own family.
Let the attendance, even at a very simple dinner, be good.
If your own servants are not efficient waiters, by all means
hire good ones, who are always to be found in cities of any
size. If you cannot aiford to do so, or if you live in the
country, your only resource is to train your own servants,
remembering always that they must be trained daily, espe-
cially if hitherto they have been undisciplined. You cannot
expect raw troops to stand the fire of the enemy ; and ser-
vants who are not trained to wait well every day, will do
even worse than usual with the excitement of company.
The son of an English earl, Hon. Mr. , being possessed
only of small means, has two maid-servants to wait on his
table, who perform the services expected of them quite as
skilfully as men, and at much lower wages. They wear a
species of uniform ; that is, dresses of dark blue cloth, made
very plainly, with gilt buttons like a page.
The same plan, that of employing women as first-class
waiters, has been adopted in this country, all but the uni-
form. No American woman, even if her citizenship was but
a week old, would consent to appear as a female Buttons.
The baptism of Castle Garden has a wonderfully liberalizing
68 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
effect, especially on womankind. At very elegant houses,
however, maid-servants often wait upon the table, and when
well drilled are fully equal to the best men-servants. They
usually wear black dresses made perfectly plain, without
overskirt or trimmings, plain white aprons, and white collars
and cuffs. Occasionally they wear white caps, although
these have become so common that many people do not care
to have their servants wear them.
The social enjoyment, the conversation, ought to be the
best part of any entertainment, even of that very carnal feast
a dinner-party. Croesus will come all the more willingly to
your simple table if he is to meet there some brilliant and
agreeable guest. No dinner-party can be really successful
at which only dull wits are present, unless it be that if
they are all dull they will not notice the difference.
There are certain brilliant talkers who are monopolists of
conversation; they charm with their wit, but no one else
has a " show." Such people should be invited " one at a time,"
and in company with those who will be content to admire
and listen to them in silence. I was present at a dinner once
where Emerson, William R. Alger, and other men of mark
were guests, all of us listening, with charmed attention it
must be confessed, to the scintillating flow of speech of one
witty and delightful autocrat !
It is a cruel rule that altogether excludes very old and
very young people from dinners; but the "dumb" are out
of place at them as much as the over-loquacious. Very
literal people, too, who cannot take a joke, do not add to the
general enjoyment of a feast.
With the English, it is an almost invariable custom that
social position should regulate the order in which people go
in to dinner, the host taking in the lady of highest rank, and
the guests following in couples assorted according to Burke's
peerage, very much as children arrange a Noah's Ark proces-
DINNER-PARTIES. 69
sion, the hostess meekly bringing up the rear with the gen-
tleman of highest rank !
Fortunately for us in these United States we have no
nobility to dictate our places to us; and while a host often
takes in the lady of highest social position, he quite as often
does not. If a distinguished woman is present, he usually
pays this honor to her, or perhaps he pays it to the wife of
a distinguished man. Where a dinner has been given for
a married couple, the host and hostess respectively go in
with them. A bride, too, is privileged in this respect, often
taking precedence of older ladies ; so also does a distinguished
stranger.
But while, ceteris paribus, the host takes in the lady of
the highest distinction, social, literary, or political, etc., the
other couples intermediate between the host and the hostess
(who comes last always) do not go in in any especial order.
Young people naturally give the pas to elder ones, or to per-
sons of note, but there is no law on the subject.
The squabbles for precedence in European courts seem to
us very undignified. The Countesses of Egmont and Horn
used to pass through a doorway arm in arm, as it could not
be decided which should go first !
The host and hostess should decide with due deliberation
beforehand the order in which the guests are to sit at table,
since it may " make or mar :> a dinner. Indeed, they should
be careful to] invite only people who will harmonize well
together. Tradition tells about dreadful dinner-parties to
which deadly enemies were asked, and where they sat glar-
ing mutually and refusing to speak to one another, like two
Banquos at a feast. Certainly this was ill-bred on the part
of the guests. Private animosities should be sunk on such
occasions ; but one would prefer not to invite the Capulets
and Montagues to dine together.
The lady of the house informs each gentleman which lady
70 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
he is to take in to dinner, or sometimes cards are placed
on the hall table giving this information. If the gentleman
does not know the lady, he should ask for an introduction.
At small and informal dinners, where all are acquainted, the
lady of the house, if she prefers, can say to each gentleman,
" Mr. So-and-so, will you take down Miss Blank," just before
going down to dinner.
It is perhaps needless to say that a bell should never be
rung to announce any formal meal ; indeed, it is better form
to dispense with the bell-summons for all meals, even when
no guests are present.
The servant should enter the drawing-room and should
say, " Dinner is served," or simply bow, as soon as he catches
the eye of his mistress.
The host and hostess may sit at each end of the table or
in the middle of each side. The lady who is to be specially
honored is placed on the host's right, and the second place of
distinction is on his left. In the same way the gentleman
who has taken the hostess down to dinner sits on her right,
and the " next best man " on her left.
Neither a dining-room nor a table should ever be over-
crowded. Brillat-Savarin said that the number of people at
a dinner should not be less than the Graces nor more than
the Muses ; though at some very brilliant dinners this limit
has been exceeded. The objection to certain even numbers
is, that in the case of four, eight, twelve, sixteen, and twenty
(in fact, any number divisible by four), two ladies and two
gentlemen will have to sit next each other, when the host
and hostess sit at the head and foot of the table. But when
a table is wide enough for two people to sit at one end this
difficulty may be overcome ; and it is certainly pleasanter to
have an even number, as otherwise one person is obliged to
go in to dinner alone. With the numbers, six, ten, fourteen,
eighteen, etc., there is no trouble in arranging the guests.
DINNER-PARTIES. 71
The host and hostess at a dinner-party stand in need of
a great deal of tact ; for they must watch the conversation
carefully, skilfully starting it when it flags, suggesting new
topics, etc., and yet not talking too much. Let the host
beware of bringing out his old stories ; and let the hostess
remember that though her heart may be in the kitchen, her
head must be with her guests. No matter how much anxiety
she may feel, she must betray none, or she will be sure to
dampen every one's pleasure.
Hence it is much wiser not to attempt a dinner-party on
such an unaccustomed scale that you are worried to death
lest your servants should commit some blunder.
The folly of over-pretentious dinners Thackeray has shown
up so thoroughly that he has exhausted the subject ; while
Dickens's description of the Veneering banquets is an equally
good piece of satire directed at the solemn and burdensome
pomp of stupid nouveaux-riches.
CHAPTER VIII.
DINNER-PARTIES; SERVICE AND ARRANGEMENTS OF
THE TABLE.
" SCRATCH a Russian, and you will find a Tartar," says the
old proverb ; intimating, in language more plain than elegant,
that a Russian is only a sort of half-savage. And yet these
same people, savage or not, control in large measure the
diplomacy of Europe, invent wonderful and dreadful forms
of modern liberalism, write our best contemporary novels,
and last but not least, lay down the law which regulates the
tables of every civilized land.
Clearly these Russians are not effete, whatever else they
may be ; and we have adopted the dtner ct la Riisse from them,
just as in an earlier state of civilization the Romans adopted
trousers from their savage conquerors, who were brachati, or
" breeches-wearing." And to the bondage of the trouser
mankind has remained a slave all these fourteen hundred
years since Rome fell.
How long our bondage to the dtner a la Russe will last it
is difficult to imagine ; probably as long as the present epoch
of luxury and sestheticism lasts, for this method of serving
meals is as pleasing to the eye as it is agreeable to that
natural laziness which abides in the hearts of most men.
A table covered with fruit and flowers, exquisite glass,
china, and silver, graceful candelabra, bonbons and candied
fruits perhaps at the corners, these are all that the modern
DINNER-PARTIES. 73
guest sees when he sits down to the table ; but to the eye of
faith much more is present, especially if menu-cards, placed
in pretty holders, rehearse the catalogue of tempting dainties
that are to come.
The table-cloth, the foundation for all this gorgeous dis-
play, may be of plain damask, or it may consist of the most
costly and elaborate drawn-work, dainty and lace-like in
effect ; but let it be always white. While some people place
a colored cloth beneath the embroidered one in order to
show the effect of the work, this arrangement is in questiona-
ble taste, and is thought by many persons to be wanting
in refinement.
A few years ago dinner-tables were lighted by gas only ;
but we have borrowed a leaf from Europeans, and as they
consider gas vulgar, we begin to think we must do so too,
although gas in America is superior in quality to that manu-
factured abroad. Handsome branching candelabra, usually
of silver, filled with white or colored wax-candles, the light
softened by colored shades, are now considered the most ele-
gant way of lighting the table ; although lamps which are
now made of such beautiful patterns are often used.
There must not be too great a glare of light on the table,
as that would be trying to the eyes of many guests; it is
better to have some of the light come from side-branches or
chandeliers projecting from the wall, or hanging from the
ceiling.
Too much light means also too much heat, and above all
things a dining-room should not be overheated ; neither
should it be full of draughts from open windows. The best
way is to keep it pretty cool during the day, instead of
neglecting to pay any attention to the temperature until the
last moment, and then throwing open windows and doors in
every direction. A dining-room should always have a carpet
on it to deaden the sound of feet.
74 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
The decoration of the table is largely a matter of individual
taste, limited by certain rules which do not vary. One of
the most important of these is that mere ornament must not
be allowed to take too prominent a place at the feast ; it must
never be arranged so as to interfere with conversation across
the table, or to intercept the view of the guests. The deco-
rations should be high enough for people to see under them,
or so low that one can look over them.
An ingenious gentleman of Boston has lofty palm-trees,
which seem to spring from the centre of his festive board
and wave above the heads of his guests with true tropical
luxuriance. They really have their roots in large pots placed
under the table, through which holes are bored to admit the
passage of the stems.
Low, flat centre-pieces of flowers, round or oblong in shape,
are often used, and are much liked, because they afford no
barrier to sight or to conversation. With this style four
smaller bouquets for the corners of the table are very pretty,
the flowers in the latter corresponding with the central
design. Blue hydrangea interspersed with sprays of lily
of the valley and bordered with maiden's-hair ferns makes
a very effective decoration used in this way, and has also the
good quality of not emitting too strong an odor. Flowers
for the dinner-table may be sweet, but should not be oppres-
sive with their fragrance. A centre-piece of blush roses, with
hand bouquets to match, is an old-time favorite. These
bouquets may be tied with broad pink satin ribbon and laid
beside each lady's plate.
The " blue " and " pink " dinners in which china, table
ornaments, etc., were all of the chosen color are no longer as
fashionable as they were. The same is true of " silver " and
" glass " dinners, at which the guests marvelled at the gor-
geous display of plate or admired the beautiful shape and
endless variety of crystal vessels, now of cut glass, sparkling
DINNER-PARTIES. 75
like diamonds, now of delicate glass engraved with exquisite
designs, and as brittle as the heart of an old-fashioned
heroine of romance. These " fancies in china " are all very
well occasionally ; but the greatest beauty is found in har-
mony, not in monotone, and the most aesthetically adorned
tables encourage variety rather than oddity.
Where the giver of a dinner does not wish to go to much
expense for flowers, a very graceful ornament can be made by
placing a pot of maiden-hair fern in the centre of the table,
the pot being covered by pieces of bark or moss, tied on with
fine thread or wire. Or pretty little majolica and china orna-
ments in all sorts of odd shapes may be placed about the
table, filled with cut flowers.
A very effective centre-piece can be made by arranging
fruit and flowers together, or even with fruit alone. Very
pretty gilt baskets low and flat in shape have now come into
vogue, with pans fitted in the centre and filled with growing
ferns. Wild-flowers artistically arranged make exquisite table
ornaments. It would doubtless surprise some farmers to see
the weeds which they so detest, and wage a life-long warfare
with, set in the place of honor on the rich man's table. Yet
there the sturdy weeds stand to-day, pretty, saucy, and grace-
ful, like country beauties newly come to Court.
In England, where tropical fruit is so much more expensive
than with us, pineapples, etc., are sometimes hired to orna-
ment the table with, and are returned intact when the feast
is over.
The lofty epergnes for fruit and flowers are very imposing
and showy ; they correspond with the candelabra or lamps,
and are preferred by many people. A tall centre-piece
(whether of silver or glass the latter is more modern)
should stand on a silver tray, or on a flat mirror made for
the purpose. Beneath may be a sort of large mat of bright-
colored velvet, which is often used to give a good bit of color
76 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
to the table. Carafes or water-bottles of cut or engraved
glass should be placed at each corner, and for a large dinner-
party in the middle of each side also. This is not done in
England, where "tumblers are placed on the sideboard and
not on the table," and where they are inclined to laugh
good-naturedly at our American habit of perpetually drinking
ice-water.
A " cover " signifies the place laid at table for each person,
and should consist of two large knives, a small silver knife
and fork for fish, three large forks, a table-spoon for soup, a
small "oyster-fork" for eating oysters on the half-shell, a
goblet for water, and claret, hock, champagne, and sherry
glasses, which are placed around it. The knives and forks
should always be placed on the right and left of the plate,
and never across the table.
In England, where raw oysters are not usually given at
dinner, the dinner-napkin, with the bread folded in it, is
placed between the knives and forks. But with us, the
napkin and bread are placed on the left, as raw oysters,
served on a majolica oyster-plate, with a piece of lemon in
the centre, are set at each place before the guests enter.
The oyster-fork is usually placed at the right side of the
plate, but the other forks should be on the left.
The napkin, as has been said elsewhere, should be simply
folded, either standing upright, like a sort of triangle, with
the ends drawn together to hold the bread, or folded square,
with the top part creased and turned back diagonally ; and
the bread, which should be cut in small thick pieces, and not
in slices, tucked under this fold or in any other simple
way.
The glasses are placed on the right. For champagne
glasses a broad, low, flaring shape is now in vogue, although
the old-fashioned long slender ones are much more graceful.
For hock, green glass, and for claret or Burgundy, deep red
DINNER-PARTIES. 77
glass should be used ; for sherry, a white wine-glass, of con-
ventional form, the old unchanging pattern, remains always
essentially the same.
Seven and even nine wine-glasses are sometimes put beside
each plate, but most of us would not approve of such a profu-
sion of wine as this would imply. At other tables, two extra
glasses, one for sherry or Madeira, and the other for claret or
Burgundy, are put on with the dessert. These late-coming
glasses are usually very delicate, as they accompany choice
wines. No table-spoons (save those for soup) or other extra
silver are placed on table for diner ct la Russe, and no cruets
or casters.
After the raw oysters soup is served. At very stylish
dinners it is customary to serve two soups, white and
broAvn, or white and clear. A thick soup is puree, and a
clear soup is consomme. The soup, like the rest of the
dinner, is served from the sideboard.
Fish is the next course, and is followed by the entries,
or "those dishes which are served in the first course after
the fish." It is well to serve two entrees at once at a very
elaborate dinner, and thus save time. To these succeed the
roast, followed by Roman punch, and this in turn is fol-
lowed by game and salad. Roman punch should only be
given with a dinner of many courses ; it is quite out of place
at a simple dinner, where there is only one course of meat.
It is properly an "entremet," or " dish coming after the roast,
in the second course."
Salad is sometimes served with the game, or again, it is
served as a separate course, accompanied with cheese and
with bread and butter. The bread should be cut very thin
and nicely buttered, although sometimes the butter and bread
are served separately.
Cheese is often made a course by itself ; indeed, the gen-
eral tendency of the modern dinner is to have each dish " all
78 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
alone by itself," like the one fishball of classic memory.
This style, however, may be carried too far. Only one or at
most two vegetables are served with one course, and many
vegetables make a course by themselves, as asparagus, sweet
corn, macaroni, etc.
Some people think it is very barbarous to eat corn from
the cob, but many others consider it entirely allowable to
do so. A lady who gives many elegant dinners at New-
port causes to be laid beside the plate of each guest two
little silver-gilt spike-like arrangements. Each person then
places these in either end of the corn-cob, and eats his corn
holding it by two silver handles as it were.
After the salad and cheese come the ices and sweet dishes,
then the fruit, then the bonbons. Coffee is usually served
in the drawing-room, although it may be handed around in
the dining-room if the guests have not already sat too long
at the table.
Gentlemen stay at table a short time after the ladies have
left it, discussing wine, cigars, and liqueurs (or cordials), and
no doubt indulging in the most improving conversation.
After dinner coffee should always be cafe noir, or strong
black coffee. It should be poured out in the kitchen or
butler's pantry and handed round on a salver in tiny cups,
with tiny gold or silver spoons and lump sugar, but no
cream or milk.
For all the hot-meat courses, entrees, etc., the guests are
provided with hot plates ; but these are not used for salads
nor cold meats, nor for hot puddings, which keep their
own heat too well to need any artificial aid.
For a dinner of many courses the knives and forks laid
beside the plates will not be sufficient. Therefore at a later
stage of the entertainment a fresh fork, or fork and knife,
as the course may require, is set before each person on a fresh
plate.
DINNER-PARTIES. 79
Before the dessert everything is of course cleared from the
table except the table-cloth, which is never taken away now,
for two reasons : first, because this would disturb too much
the many decorations which adorn a modern feast ; second,
because, with the new methods of serving, there is little
danger of soiling the cloth.
For the dessert, a silver dessert knife and fork and a gold
or silver dessert spoon are put at each place. To these is
often added an ice-spoon, a compromise between a fork and
a spoon. The finger-bowl comes with the fruit ; it is set on
the plate (usually a glass one or a handsomely decorated
china one), a fruit napkin or one of the embroidered doi-
lies now so fashionable being placed between.
As these dainty trifles often cost twenty-five or thirty
dollars a dozen, it would be an act of Vandalism to do more
than look at them ; the guest, therefore, must fall back on his
dinner-napkin for real use. For peaches, a genuine fruit nap-
.kin should be provided, as they stain white ones very badly.
Sherry is the proper wine to accompany soup. Chablis,
hock, or sauterne go with the fish course, claret and cham-
pagne with the roast. If Madeira and port are used, they
should come after the game. Sherry and claret, or Bur-
gundy, are again offered with the dessert, the after-dinner
wines being of a superior quality to those served during the
meal.
Cordials or liqueurs come after the dessert. These are
poured out by the butler into tiny glasses and passed
around the table on a small salver. Champagne and other
sparkling wines should be set in an ice-pail to cool until just
before they are served. They are never decanted, but
poured out as quickly as possible after they are opened.
It is customary in this country to pass around a silver or
china ice-bowl containing broken ice before the champagne
is offered ; but the servant should never put ice in any one's
80 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
glass without first asking if he wishes it, as some people
object decidedly to having their wine thus weakened.
Claret is not usually decanted in America. It should never
be iced, but, on the contrary, is sometimes warmed slightly ;
it should be about the same temperature as the room. The
same is true of Burgundy.
Sherry, Madeira, and port are always decanted, and are
placed on the sideboard ready for use. No wine should be
put on the dinner-table at first. At a later stage decanters
may be set before the host, who sends them to his guests.
When these are placed on the table gentlemen help them-
selves and the ladies next to them.
Champagne is passed many a time and oft during the
dinner, being a favorite wine ; but it is not usually handed
with the dessert in this country, whereas on the Continent
it is served with the sweets. A napkin should always be
fastened around a champagne bottle, as it is almost neces-
sarily wet from recent contact with the ice.
For a small dinner it is quite sufficient to have two or
three wines ; in this case, sherry with the soup, and claret
or champagne with the roast, would be the best selection.
Wine should be offered on the right hand, thus making an
exception to the rule in accordance with which all dishes are
handed on the left hand.
The washing of plates, silver, etc., at a dinner-party
should if possible be performed at such a distance from the
dining-room that the clatter will be inaudible to those seated
at table. In order to give an elaborate dinner it is almost
indispensable that one should have a large quantity of china
and plate, otherwise the delay from washing the dishes will
be endless. Those that have been used should be at once
removed from the dining-room, a page or maid-servant
carrying them away ; and one or two servants should be em-
ployed in washing them.
DINNER-PARTIES. 81
When one plate is taken away at the end of a course
another is at once substituted for it. If a knife and fork
are laid on this, the guest should take them off promptly,
otherwise he may delay the serving of the next course.
For the same reason the finger-bowl and doily should be
at once removed from the plate.
The entries are generally passed to guests in order that
they may help themselves. Sometimes, however, all the
courses are helped from the side-table. It is considered
to be in better style for the servant to have a small napkin
wrapped around his hand, so that it shall not come in con-
tact with the dishes as he passes them, rather than that he
should wear gloves. Only hired waiters wear gloves.
The number of servants required to wait on a dinner
depends largely on their efficiency. At a large dinner one
waiter to every three guests, or even to every two guests, is
sometimes employed ; per contra, one thoroughly trained and
efficient waiter can attend to eight or ten people.
At large and ceremonious dinners a card with each person's
name is usually placed on or beside each plate. If a menu
or bill of fare is used it may be laid beside the other card, or
it may be placed in the pretty and fanciful menu-holders that
are now easily obtainable. Where these holders are used
there should be at least one to every two guests, or still better
one to each person ; but many people do not consider menu-
cards appropriate in a private house.
As the custom is now abolished of waiting till every one
is helped before beginning to eat, it should be one servant's
duty to pass the proper sauce or vegetables to each person
just after he has been helped by another servant to the meat.
This greatly expedites matters, besides enabling every one to
begin to eat his dinner while it is still hot.
The order in which the guests should be helped depends
somewhat on the number of servants who wait on the table.
6
82 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Where there are a number in attendance, one servant should
begin on each side of the table, helping first the lady sitting
next the host, and then the other ladies, in the order in
which they sit. The gentlemen should be helped afterward,
the host always receiving his plate last.
Where, however, the attendance is limited, and it is desira-
ble to expedite matters, the servant may first help the lady
on the host's right (the guest of honor), then the one on his
left, and then the guests as they sit, ladies and gentlemen,
leaving the host to be helped last. But it is always desira-
ble to help all the ladies first.
The butler or head waiter is much too grand a person to
wear any man's livery. He wears full evening dress, dress-
coat, white tie, etc., for late dinners. Earlier in the day he
appears in dark morning costume. The second man wears
livery, and where more than two men are kept, the others
wear livery also.
The drinking of toasts is going out of fashion ; people still
occasionally drink one another's health. In order to do so it
is merely necessary to bow, when the other person bows in
return. Each one then drinks a few drops of wine and sets
down his glass, bowing once more.
CHAPTEE IX.
ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE.
" EAT at your table as you would eat at the table of the
king," said Confucius; and the advice is as good now as when
it was given nearly three thousand years ago. If you would
learn to behave well in company you must behave well at
home ; otherwise the polite manners which you assume when
you are abroad will fit you much as a workman's Sunday
suit fits him. He wears it with an unaccustomed air which
shows far more plainly than words that this is not his
habitual dress ; and behavior that is kept for high days and
holidays betrays itself in a like manner.
A still better reason for uniformity in one's manners is,
that it savors of hypocrisy to behave in one way at home
and in a totally different way in society. A greater amount
of ease and freedom may certainly be permitted in one's own
house ; but the keynote of a person's behavior should always
be the same : self-respect and respect for others must never
be forgotten.
What an excellent custom of the old French monarchy it
was, that of breakfasting in public, and giving the people
every day a lesson from the very best authorities on the
proper way to behave at the table! Whether the French
kiug who first set this fashion had read Confucius is more
than doubtful ; but as great minds think alike, he was proba-
84 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
bly actuated by the same general idea, and determined to
show his subjects a good example in the way of manners,
whatever his views of morals may have been.
Too much stress cannot be laid on the importance of refine-
ment at the table, both in manners and in the laying and
service of the table itself. The habit of eating together and
at stated times is one of the distinguishing marks that sepa-
rate civilized men from savages, and a man's behavior at
table is a pretty sure indication of his social status.
The negroes on the old Southern plantations could hardly
be induced to eat their meals save irregularly and by snatches.
To them the idea of sitting down to a regularly set table at
a formal meal was extremely irksome. As extremes meet, the
first gentleman in England, the Prince of Wales, has also
found the customs of society too formal, and he has very
wisely shortened the length of a fashionable dinner from
three or four hours to an hour or an hour and a half, two
hours being the very outside limit now allowed.
In a subsequent chapter, " Children, and how they should
behave at the Table," many gaucheries of which grown people
as well as children are often guilty are mentioned. Still,
the catalogue there given is not an exhaustive one, and a
few hints on the etiquette of the table will not be out of
place here. Imprimis, one should never speak, unless in jest,
of " table manners ; " the expression is tabooed in good
society, as are also the kindred ones, "parlor manners,"
" company manners," etc.
Never come late to a dinner-party. The old rule was that
guests should arrive within five minutes of the appointed
hour, either before or after. Some people say that the eti-
quette on this point is not as strict as formerly, but it is much
wiser to be on the safe side. Gentlemen should not take
their seats until the ladies are seated, and each gentleman
should pull out the chair for the lady next him, and assist
ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 85
her to draw it up to the table before seating himself. This
is not always necessary, as the servants assume the duty
where there are a number of them in attendance.
It is not the easiest thing in the world to assume a proper
attitude at table, for it is very awkward to bend over your
plate or to lean over between each mouthful. On the other
hand, it does not look well to lean back in one's chair when
eating, or to sit up as stiffly as if one had just swallowed a
ramrod.
It is not allowable to ask for a second helping of soup or
fish, and the reason of the rule is that these courses are pre-
liminary to the pieces de resistance of the dinner ; therefore
most people prefer not to delay over them, and in asking for
a second plate of soup you keep the whole assemblage wait-
ing for one person.
There is a story of the Revolution, however, which shows
that this law was not then held in such sacred esteem as it
is now. According to the tradition, a number of French
officers were invited to dine with an aristocratic family at
Newport, and the soup was so rich and so good that the
French chevaliers never got beyond that course !
Soup is a terrible snare to the unwary, especially if the
unwary happens to have a moustache ! For it is one of the
unpardonable sins of the social decalogue to eat soup noisily.
Neither, however, can you save yourself by refusing soup,
since this also would be bad form. If it is of a sort which
you especially dislike, simply let it alone. In helping to
soup, do not fill the plate ; half a ladleful suffices, where the
ladle is large.
The old rule, never to use a knife with fish, was so very
inconvenient, especially in eating shad, that it has been aban-
doned. Silver fish-knives are now provided at all ceremo-
nious dinners. They are of a peculiar shape and of small
size, as also are the forks that accompany them.
86 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
It used to be a standing reproach to Americans that they
ate so rapidly ; but we have improved in this respect as we
have grown more luxurious. Still, every one should remember
that haste in eating is inelegant as well as very unwholesome.
If any competent person should institute a knife, fork, and
spoon drill, and should offer to give private lessons in the
use of these formidable weapons, he might easily make a for-
tune. The knife is the easiest of the dread trio to manage,
if you can successfully resist the temptation to thrust it into
the mouth, that besets so many people.
Everybody ate with their knives before the invention of
the four-pronged fork, because with the old two-pronged
instrument it was manifestly impossible to eat pease, rice, and
many other articles of food. All English-speaking nations,
however, as well as the French, now absolutely forbid the
use of the knife except to cut with. On the Continent,
society is not so strictly divided by the "knife line;" and
it would not be safe in Germany, for instance, to judge of a
man's social position by his method of using his knife.
It is an awkward trick to raise and spread out the elbows
when cutting up the food. It also looks very badly to
seize the knife too far down on the blade or to grasp it too
vigorously.
Every one ought to know how to carve, otherwise he
may be placed in the predicament of the Boston lady who
had chicken for dinner but was utterly ignorant of how
to cut it up. "Mother took hold of one drumstick and I
took hold of the other, and we ran till we pulled it apart,"
so she told the story!
The modern custom of having the butler do all the carv-
ing on the sideboard saves the master of the house a great
deal of trouble ; but there are still many occasions on which
it is very important to be able to carve, at luncheon, at
informal suppers, dinners in the country, picnics, etc.
ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 87
Charles James Fox, who made it a point to do everything
well and vigorously that he once undertook, was an ex-
cellent carver. It is related in Trevelyan's life of him that
he used to have a book giving special directions about carv-
ing by his side at table, so that he might be sure to carve
in the best possible manner.
It is not well to emphasize one's conversation by wav-
ing about one's knife or fork, even in an entirely peaceful
and friendly manner.
The fork has now become the favorite and fashionable
utensil for conveying food to the mouth. First it crowded
out the knife, and now in its pride it has invaded the
domain of the once powerful spoon. The spoon is now
pretty well subdued also, and the fork, insolent and trium-
phant, has become a sumptuary tyrant. The true devotee
of fashion does not dare to use a spoon except to stir his
tea or to eat his soup with, and meekly eats his ice-cream
witli a fork and pretends to like it.
Vegetables are always eaten with a fork now, save as-
paragus, which may be held in the fingers by the butt and
eaten without other assistance. Where it is much covered
with sauce it is certainly the part of discretion to use a
fork.
Olives are eaten with the fingers, as being a species of fruit.
For salad, good authorities sanction the use of both knife and
fork, unless the salad has been cut up beforehand. One
should use a knife as little as possible, however, and only
where the lettuce leaves are so large that they cannot be
managed with the aid of a silver fork and a piece of bread.
To cut up salad very fine on one's plate, until it is like, mince-
meat, is in decidedly bad taste. This should be done before
the dish comes to table, if at all.
Croquettes, patties, and most of the made dishes which
now are so much in vogue should be eaten with a fork ;
88 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
indeed, at a modern fashionable lunch or dinner a large
proportion of the courses require no other implement. Of
course a knife must be used for plain beef and mutton,
chops, cutlets, game, etc. Cheese should be eaten with a
fork where it is at all soft, and so should most fruits, as
has been said elsewhere. Celery is usually held in the fin-
gers and eaten au naturel.
Another use for the fork is to convey back to the plate
fish-bones and other reliquiae which one cannot swallow ;
these objects should be got rid of, by means of the fork, in
the most quiet and unobtrusive manner possible.
The spoon is used for water-ices, Roman punch, soup,
puddings, tea and coffee, preserves and canned fruits, for
all berries, especially if cream is served with them, for cus-
tards, in fact, for whatever dishes are too liquid to be man-
aged with a fork. A spoon should never be left standing in
a teacup, but should be laid on the saucer.
Never look as if you were trying to swallow either a spoon
or a fork ; it has been done, and though the man did not die
he came very near it. Do not, either, adopt the childish
habit of turning your spoon upside down in your mouth
like an abandoned boat at sea. This looks as badly, nay
worse than eating bread with the butter-side down.
It is better to break bread into pieces before buttering
it, instead of buttering the whole slice at once. Indeed,
only children should take " bites " out of a whole slice of
bread. Grown people break off pieces of dry bread with
their fingers and eat them, for bread, muffins, biscuits, etc.,
should never be cut apart, but merely broken. This does
not apply, of course, to cutting the bread from the loaf.
It is very difficult to describe on paper the correct way of
carrying the fork or spoon to the mouth. Mrs. Sherwood
says : " The fork should be raised laterally to the mouth
with the right hand ; the elbow should never be crooked, so
ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 89
as to bring the hand round at a right angle, or the fork
directly opposite the mouth." In other words, the fork
should be nearly parallel with the mouth, and not at right
angles with it.
Seeing, however, is better than hearing in such a case.
For dwellers in cities, a simple recipe would be, Go to the
Brevoort or Delmonico's in New York, or to Young's in
Boston, and bribe the head waiter to point out to you any
" real old families " that may be present, and watch their
operations. Alas ! even then you may be disappointed.
There are men of old family and high degree who eat un-
pleasantly, champing the end of the fork, perhaps, as if
it Avere a curb bit.
While it is very undesirable to appear greedy or in too
much haste, still it is always proper to ask to have things
handed to you after waiting a suitable length of time.
Ask the servant, however, if one is present ; a word or sign
will bring an efficient waiter to your side, and you can then
quietly tell him what you need.
At a ceremonious dinner one does not need to ask for any-
thing, unless perhaps for a fresh knife or fork (if one's own
has fallen upon the floor), a piece of bread, salt, etc. Some
people, however, even when staying at the house of an inti-
mate friend, will starve rather than ask to have any dish
passed to them. This is not in accordance with good man-
ners. While it is the part of the host, either personally or
through well-trained servants, to see that his guest wants
for nothing, it is also the part of the guest to assist his
entertainer in the matter, and to mention anything that has
been forgotten.
At a dinner one must not neglect one's next-door neighbors.
While it is often pleasanter to listen to some witty and
agreeable person opposite than to talk platitudes to the
person next you, still one must not appear neglectful ; above
90 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
all a gentleman must not. At a small dinner it is very
pleasant occasionally to have the conversation become gen-
eral ; at a large dinner, of course it is impossible.
The old-fashioned custom of thanking your hostess for a
meal is now unhappily obsolete. 1 It always seemed such
a pretty, primitive, quaint fashion, that one would like to
revive it, together with the old colonial mansions which are
now once more beginning to adorn our land. As Byron
said,
"Ye have the Pyrrhic dance as yet ;
Where has the Pyrrhic phalanx gone ?
Of two such lessons, why forget
The nobler and the manlier one ?"
So might one now ask why we could not go back to the
courtly ways of our ancestors, as well as adopt their houses,
their dress alas ! we pay little heed to their manners.
Gentlemen always rise when ladies leave the table, and
often now accompany them back to the drawing-room. More
often, however, they seat themselves again after the ladies
have left the room, and enjoy that cigar which is so indis-
pensable to the good-nature of most men, and those other
favorites, wines and liqueurs. They do not linger long,
however. The old and barbarous British custom of in-
dulging in deep after-dinner potations is now universally
condemned.
At a dinner-party, if you feel uncertain what to do, ob-
serve your neighbors, and do as they do. But above all,
1 Since writing the above I have received a note from a friend,
who suggests that this custom has been very recently revived, in a
modified form, the guest saying when she takes her departure, "I
have had such a pleasant time ; thank you for asking me." All which
proves that great minds think alike, and that the revived colonial
architecture, with its white trimmings, is already beginning to have an
effect on our manners.
ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 91
endeavor to be calm outwardly and inwardly. Remember
that no one is thinking about what you are doing half as
much as you are yourself, and if you seem quiet and at ease,
people will notice your actions much less than if you seem
flurried and troubled.
If you upset anything on the cloth, or break anything,
don't apologize ; and don't be overwhelmed with confusion
if you drop your knife or fork. Such accidents have hap-
pened before, and will again. If you are too precise and
prim, if you are like Dickens's woman, who continually said
" Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes, and prisms," you will not
appear nearly as well as with a quiet, natural manner.
Be careful, however, not to talk across people, and not to
turn your back to those who sit next you ; be sure also to
take off your gloves as soon as you sit down at the table.
While it is not customary to refuse' soup, it is perfectly
proper to refuse one or more courses at a long and elaborate
dinner. Menu-cards are very desirable on such occasions,
since it is impossible to eat everything without being greedy,
and it is pleasant to be able to make one's choice ; but as I
have said elsewhere, their day of popularity is rapidly pass-
ing away.
One should not imitate the candor of a distinguished Eng-
lishman who dined in Washington with a former Minister to
St. James, and who declined canvas-back ducks. His host
pressed him to take some, saying that the dish was considered
a great delicacy in America. " Thank you, I never eat raw
meat," replied the Briton. Nothing daunted, his courteous
entertainer sent the ducks back to the kitchen to be more
thoroughly cooked. This time the Englishman tried a piece
of the meat, and speaking to his wife across the table said,
" My dear, try a piece. It is not nearly as nasty as it looks ! "
To refuse wine, place your hand against the rim of the
wine-glass ; it is never necessary to take wine if you do not
92 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
wish to, but in this case it is better not to allow the servant
to fill your glass. A wine-glass should be held by the stem
and not by the bowl, and the very last drops from it should
not be drunk.
There is some question as to the best method of disposing
of one's knife and fork when sending one's plate back for a
second helping. Some people say that they should be left
on the plate (placed carefully together, with the handles
pointing the same way, so that they may not fall off), others
contend that they should be retained in the hand ; modern
custom strongly inclines to sanction leaving them on the
plate, while formerly it was thought proper to remove them.
This change in sentiment, like so many others of the kind,
arises from the different way in which food is now served ;
in these days we eat fewer things at a time, therefore our
plates are not so much encumbered, and the carver can put a
second supply on them without as much difficulty as under
the old regime. The carver, too, is often the butler ; whereas
formerly he was always the master of the house, whose con-
venience was of more importance.
Where dinner is served in the old-fashioned way, the gen-
tleman who sits next to the hostess should always offer to
relieve her from the duty of carving : although some ladies,
who do it well, prefer to carve themselves.
Fish should always be cut up with a silver fish knife and
fork, as steel should never come in contact with it.
It is now considered more polite not to pass a plate that
has been handed to you, but to keep it yourself. In acting
thus you simply accede to the arrangements of your hostess,
and make less disturbance, than by endeavoring to make a
new order of things. As has been said elsewhere, one does
not now wait for other people to be helped before beginning
to eat ; the old rule of waiting certainly seemed more
polite.
ETIQUETTE OF THE TABLE. 93
Not to take the last piece on a dish when it is handed
to you is also a rule which has been relegated to the chil-
dren's table. This old rule must have had its origin in more
frugal days than the present ; the reason of the new rule is,
that if you refuse to take the last piece you imply a doubt
of the existence of a further supply in the larder, and such a
doubt is a reflection on your host ! This is merely one of
the many straws which tend to show what an epoch of
luxury and wealth ours is.
The lady of the house should not allow her plate to be
removed until all her guests have finished eating.
CHAPTEK X.
THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE; ITS FURNITURE AND
EQUIPMENT.
THE service and arrangement of one's table must of course
vary largely with one's income, but it is a mistake to let
all the expenditure be for the food alone ; part of it should
be reserved for refined appointments of the table, fine
linen, napkins of generous size, pretty china and glass, and
well-polished silver.
A lady whose generous and well-ordered table was always
a pleasure merely to look at, said to the writer, " We have
decided to have flowers on table every day this winter, and
to make up for the additional expense by having one dish
less in our bill of fare;" a very pretty idea, and a sanitary
one too, for a rich man's table. We cannot all afford to have
hot-house flowers in winter ; but we can afford to have spot-
less table-linen, and to keep the silver bright and shining,
two very important adjuncts to a well-ordered dinner-table.
It is the decree of Fashion now that the same napkin
must never appear twice on table without being washed in
the interim ; hence napkin-rings have gone out of favor, and
are not considered in good style. Of course this fashion
makes great demands upon the laundress, and cannot well be
adopted by large families of moderate means ; but for every
one who can afford it, for every one who wishes to have her
table appointed with elegance, it is indispensable that the
THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE. 95
napkins should be changed at every meal and the table-
cloths very frequently.
Large napkins spread on the table-cloth underneath the
dishes containing meat are a great protection, as they prevent
the spattering of the cloth by the carver. Indeed, fancy
napkins made of linen or crash, fringed and embroidered,
" carver's cloths," are used by some people.
A white table-cloth should always be used for dinner ; the
pretty tinted cloths and napkins that look so tempting in
the windows of the linen draper may be used for breakfast or
luncheon, but are not en regie for dinner.
A table-cloth should not only be snowy-white and per-
fectly fresh, it should also be very carefully ironed, and
carefully folded before it is ironed, in order that it may lie
smooth and even on the table. Where one has been poorly
ironed, or has been too stiffly starched, it will hump up in
wrinkles in a way that is very unseemly. There should al-
ways be an undercloth, not only to make the table-cloth lie
smooth, but also to prevent the heat of the dishes from mar-
ring the table. White canton flannel of extra width is the
best material for this purpose.
Table-cloths should be of fine linen ; a coarse cloth is al-
most certain to offend a delicate taste. Double damask is
thought to wear better than single, though it is more expen-
sive, and very pretty fine cloths can be bought in single
damask. It is now fashionable to embroider table-linen with
the cipher (that is, interlaced initials) or crest of the family ;
the latter may be placed on the napkins, and should be very
delicately worked, and made of small size, in white thread,
since nothing is more vulgar than a loud and obtrusive coat-
of-arms, especially in this republican country.
For the table-cloths the cipher should be two or three
inches deep, and may be marked in the middle of each end
of the cloth, so as to show beyond the dishes.
96 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
For dinner, very large napkins are now used ; for breakfast,
they should be rather smaller ; for luncheon, they should be
of the same size as dinner napkins. For tea, breakfast nap-
kins are of the right size to use, although the little fringed
doilies are liked better by some people. A napkin should
never be stiff; very little starch should be put in it. It
should also be perfectly dry, and simply folded, lying beside
the plate, with a roll or thick short piece of bread enclosed,
or placed upon it. Bread should never be put on the table
at dinner save in this fashion. There should always be a
reserve supply ready on the side-table for those who like a
great deal of the staff of life.
How should a napkin be arranged ? According to strict
etiquette, it should not be fully unfolded and spread out, but
should be laid across the knees, partially opened, to be used
as a towel only ; that is to say, to wipe the fingers and
mouth.
The master of ceremonies in the time of Louis Napoleon
considered it a decided breach of the etiquette of the table
to unfold the napkin entirely and spread it out. But this is
a very absurd and unpractical custom, especially for people
who are apt to drop their food ; and almost every one does so
occasionally. I merely give it as the strict rule for formal
occasions and for very careful eaters.
For every-day use, and for ordinary people, the proper and
usual way is to spread the napkin over the knees ; it should
never be placed at the neck, save for children, nor should it
be tucked into a buttonhole.
Should the napkin be folded on leaving the table ? It
should never be, at a formal or ceremonious meal. At a
dinner-party, for instance, no one thinks now-a-days of fold-
ing up a napkin ; indeed, the custom is going out of favor
generally, as a logical corollary of the fashion of having fresh
napkins at every meal. Still, if one is staying at another
THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE. 97
person's house, and is uncertain what its customs may be, the
best way is to watch the hostess and to do as she does in the
matter ; because if the lady of the house does not intend to
provide clean napery at every meal, her guests must con-
form to her usages, otherwise they will appear careless and
underbred.
Fruit napkins should be brought in with the dessert, placed
on the dessert-plate beneath the finger-bowl. They are indis-
pensable on any formal occasion, unless ornamental doilies are
used ; indeed, it is well to use them even at the simplest meal,
where fruit is on the table, because they prevent the staining
of the white napkins. Some hostesses provide them in addi-
tion to the ornamental doilies. In this case the fruit napkin
is placed on top of the finger-bowl, or beside it on the plate.
The large caster-stands which were formerly placed in the
centre of the table have now gone entirely out of style, and
are replaced by small silver stands for pepper an owl is a
favorite shape for them placed at the four corners of the
table, or one at each plate.
Oil and vinegar are usually placed on the sideboard only,
but may be placed on the table if preferred, in little orna-
mental glass bottles or jugs. Mustard also is relegated to
the sideboard by most people. At a very formal dinner,
pepper, oil, vinegar, etc., are not permitted on the table.
To tell the truth, they are seldom required at such a meal,
where every dish has its proper seasoning and sauce ready
provided.
The old-fashioned caster-stand was such an ugly and awk-
ward thing that it certainly deserved sentence of banishment.
Nor can one regret the exile of the spoon-tumbler, which is
now rarely used.
The truth is that the aesthetic movement in this country
is nowhere more visible than in the arrangement and appoint-
ments of the table. We have made wonderful advances in
7
98 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
this matter during the last ten years, and the changes that
have taken place are all in the direction of greater elegance
and refinement.
We have grown more indolent too in proportion as we
have grown more luxurious, and the appointments of the
table are not only more elegant in themselves, they are also
such as to obviate the necessity of any passing of dishes save
by the servants. We require these to be better trained now
than formerly, and to wait more quietly and move constantly.
The use of a little silver or brass tray or waiter, on which a
servant now hands all the dishes, is a very great improvement
upon the old-fashioned method by which the servant grasped
the dish in her hand, often placing her thumbs unpleasantly
near the food.
On the other hand, the banishment of mats from the table
polite is not an unmixed blessing. Many servants find great
difficulty in replacing the dishes in their exact places ; and
the mat was a great assistance to them in this respect, besides
the saving of the cloth that it effected.
Individual salt-cellars are much used now, and from these
it is entirely proper to help yourself with your knife if no
salt-spoon has been provided. But housekeepers should
remember that where salt-spoons are not used, the salt should
be thrown out and replaced by fresh at every meal.
The crumb-brush is not used nearly as much as was for-
merly the case, for the very good reason that it must almost
necessarily be somewhat soiled, since it cannot be washed
easily and often, like a crumb-scraper or napkin. A silver
crumb-scraper with a plate or tray is much used for clearing
the table, though a folded napkin is preferable on formal
occasions because it makes less noise.
It has been said in another chapter that separate plates for
vegetables are not considered to be in good style. An excep-
tion to this rule is made in the case of salad. Where this is
THE FAMILY DINNER-TABLE. 99
served at the same time with vegetables and meat or fish, it is
always proper to have a second plate for it, about the size
of a tea-plate. The reason is an obvious one ; namely, the
unpleasant mixture that would ensue if the oil and vinegar
from the dressing should mingle with the vegetables.
Where no vegetable is served with the salad, a second
plate is not needed. Thus fish, with cucumber salad, calls
for one plate only ; but if potato is served in addition, then
a second is required. It is better, however, to serve the fish
with only one accompaniment, either salad or potato, instead
of both. No vegetable except potato can be served with
fish.
Butter is now banished even from the family dinner-table
by people who follow the new customs. It should be placed
upon the sideboard and passed around when sweet potatoes,
sweet corn, etc., are served. If butter is used at dinner,
butter-plates should always be provided for each person, as
otherwise the combination of hot dinner-plates with melting
butter slipping down their edges is far from agreeable.
CHAPTER XI.
CHILDREN, AND HOW THEY SHOULD BEHAVE AT
THE TABLE.
THE parents who bring their children up well and carefully,
who furnish them with an adequate physical, mental, and
moral training, truly deserve the gratitude of the State, as
well as that of their offspring.
In the mad struggle for wealth which now pervades all
clashes of society, this homely, old-fashioned truth is quite
lost sight of. Men strain every nerve to amass great fortunes
for themselves and their children, and forget that the wealth
of Midas himself would not long benefit the man who had
not been taught to use it aright. We all know what becomes
of a beggar who is set on horseback ; and most of us have
seen the ill consequences that too often ensue when a great
amount of money is suddenly put into the hands of some
gilded and foolish youth, college-bred perhaps, but wanting
in all practical training and discipline, nevertheless.
Golden armor is a great help ; but to fight the battle of life
successfully one needs above all to be a skilful soldier.
Great attention is certainly given now-a-days to education
in certain forms, education in schools and colleges ; but
even here there is a constant effort to make everything easy
and pleasant, to do away with or conceal discipline as far
as is possible. All the rough corners are carefully smoothed
away, and " the royal road to learning " is the philosopher's
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 101
stone for which we of the nineteenth century search with
constant and unabating ardor.
But how about the home training which should supple-
ment all these "outside aids" to education and harmonious
development ? It is too often neglected ; our children are
left to imbibe from chance the sound principles and gentle
manners which our forefathers so zealously and faithfully
inculcated in the hearts and minds of their offspring. We
have a pleasant theory that our young people will go right
of themselves, and that they will " pick up " good-breeding
somehow or other as they grow older !
The morals of our bank cashiers and our great army of
embezzlers in general show what are the results of the want
of proper moral training ; while the thoughtlessness, selfish-
ness, and rudeness of too many young men and women attest
the folly of supposing that true good manners will form
themselves.
Of morals it is not the province of this work to treat,
except as they are connected with manners. Suffice it to
say that before one can rear a fair and comely superstructure
of good manners, one must lay deep in the heart their nec-
essary foundation, namely, kindness and good-will toward
others, and due consideration for their feelings. Just as Latin
and Greek are the roots from which spring most of the modern
languages of Europe, so are these sentiments of kindliness
and thoughtfulness the substantial basis on which rests the
good-breeding of the civilized world.
Hence even from a worldly and superficial point of view
the importance cannot be over-estimated, of early impress-
ing on the plastic minds of children the right principles
which shall govern their minds and manners through
life.
The unfortunate Catharine Howard, fifth wife of Henry
VIII., is one of the saddest instances furnished by history
102 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
of the results of parental neglect. We are told that she was
left to the care of servants who so corrupted her morals
from her girlhood, that when the royal Bluebeard sought
a pretext for cutting off her young and beautiful head, the
immorality of her past life readily afforded him one.
The natural savage is visibly present in most children,
and nowhere more than at the table. They dislike ex-
tremely the necessary restraints that are imposed on them
there, as well as the ablutions and general " tidying processes "
which precede their meals. It is usually wiser, however, for
their parents to endure the inconveniences entailed by their
presence at the table, except in families where competent
nursery governesses are kept, who can and will train the
children properly.
Some people allow the little ones to take a short recess
while the table is being cleared off for dessert ; this is a much
better way than keeping them so long at table that they
become restless, and wriggle in a very trying manner.
Do not allow your children to sit sideways, or on the edge
of their chairs, or to lean back in them, or to put their
elbows on the table. Neither should they be permitted to
crumble up and play with their bread, or to make play-
things of the stray silver or napkin rings that may be on
the table. Bread should always be broken, and not cut,
in eating it ; but it need not be pulverized into crumbs, in
the favorite fashion of childhood.
Caution your children, too, always to wipe their mouths
both before and after drinking, and not to drink until they
have swallowed what they may be eating. Do not let them
turn up their glasses or mugs on their noses while drink-
ing, or look at people either through the glass or over the
top of it.
They must be taught how to break a potato with a fork
(since it is considered ill-bred to touch that vegetable with
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 103
a knife), and how to use a bread fork as a necessary ac-
companiment to the silver fork, and not to pack the food
on the back of it with the help of the knife, which is an
ugly and awkward fashion. The fork should always be
carried to the mouth with the tines curving down, like a
bowl ; that is, in just the reverse fashion from that employed
when carving.
Teach them to take their soup quietly from the side of
the spoon, and not to thrust this instrument into their
mouths, pointed end foremost, as if they were making an
attack with it ! Dessert-spoons should be substituted for
full-sized table-spoons for little children to eat soup with,
as the latter are uncomfortably large for them to manage.
Watch your children, and see that they do not lean over
the table too far in eating, or put their spoons and forks
farther into their mouths than is necessary, or leave them
there too long.
One unpleasant childish trick is to fill the fork full along
its whole length, and then to " eat off" part at a time, in-
stead of putting just enough on the end of the fork to make
a proper-sized mouthful; another trick is to double up a
large slice of meat into a comparatively small compass and
then bolt it ; still another is to tip the plate to get the last
drop of soup, or to polish it in a most surprising manner
by scraping up the last possible remnant of pudding or
sweetmeats instead of leaving a little " for manners."
Little separate plates " sauce-plates " for different vege-
tables are not allowable except at a boarding-house table;
do not therefore -accustom your children to the use of them.
And I trust it will be superfluous to add that neither they
nor any one else, should ever see toothpicks placed on any
private table, or used anywhere save in the solitude of one's
own apartment.
Children sometimes have a depraved tendency to put the
104 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
skins of baked potatoes, bits of fat, or pieces of eggshell on
the table-cloth ; and if you cannot induce them to place these
reliquiae on the sides of their plates, let them have a saucer
in which to lay them.
They should be taught, as soon as they are old enough, to
eat an egg from the shell, instead of taking it out into a cup
or glass, since this is a point of good-breeding which many
people insist upon very strongly.
They should be told, also, not to dip cake or bread into a
glass of water, and by all means never to put their knives
in their mouths, nor to help themselves to any dish with
their own knives, forks, or spoons, nor to reach and stretch
across the table after some distant goal of their ambition
and appetite, nor to reach in front of another person.
I know one little girl three years of age who is so well
trained that she will not help herself from any dish passed
to her by the servant unless it is handed secundum artem,
on the left side ! Indeed, very little children, after they
have once been trained to hold the spoon and fork properly,
etc., commit fewer breaches of etiquette than their older
brethren and sisters ; hence the importance of watching
them carefully at the table, and checking any bad tenden-
cies as fast as these may arise.
Picking out the largest piece of cake or the under slice of
toast, or taking first one biscuit from the plate and then
putting that back to exchange it for another, are familiar
instances of childish "bad manners."
Poor little souls ! What a long indictment I have made
out against them, and of how many terrific misdemeanors
do they stand charged !
Far be it from me to say anything that shall make the lot
of any little one harsh or uncomfortable ! If children stand
in need of constant correction, we their parents need also
a constant lesson of patience lest we hurt their feelings by
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 105
querulous fault-finding, or wound their pride by setting them
right when there is company present.
But if children see their parents and elders always careful
to observe the rules of good manners, and if their little care-
less or greedy tricks are checked in the very beginning, the
task of setting them right will be a comparatively easy one.
Children are extremely imitative ; and if they see others
hand the dishes politely, instead of shoving them along the
table, and lay their knives and forks properly on the plate
side by side, with the handles together, instead of sprawled
about, so that the servant will be apt to drop them when she
removes the dishes in clearing off the table, why, the chil-
dren will be very apt to pay attention to these little points
themselves.
Do not use expressions at table which are now thought
extremely inelegant, whatever their former status may have
been, in the constantly varying language of polite society.
Thus, never ask any one to " dish out " the food. " Will
you be kind enough," or " Will you please help to the ber-
ries ] " is the proper phrase.
The old rule was to help children after the grown people,
and the youngest child last ; but a more modern and humane
way is to help little children first, if they are present at table.
Girls should be helped before boys, just as ladies should
invariably be served before gentlemen. Thus all the ladies
of the house should be helped before any of the gentlemen
are served, even if among the latter there may be some
distinguished guest.
While children should be accustomed to great punctuality
at meals, they should not be allowed to hurry and annoy
their elders by their own impatience and desire to get
through. Children who are of this impatient turn of mind
sometimes make every one else uncomfortable through an
entire meal, constantly complaining that they shall be late
106 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
to school, or that they will have no time left for play, etc.
They tip their chairs, jump up and down on their seats,
brandish their napkins, and lament the time that is lost in
removing the crumbs, all to the great annoyance of every
one else at table.
It is certainly a breach of etiquette to ask what kind of
dessert there is to be, before it appears on the table ; but it is
one that is often forgiven to children, as it is hard for them
to sit for a long time and then see some dish appear that
they especially dislike.
While children should be brought up for the most part on
plain, substantial food, they ought also to be taught as they
grow older to eat different kinds of food, and to overcome
the prejudices of extreme youth against tomatoes and other
vegetables, oysters, etc. It is a small misfortune in this life
not to be able to eat what other people do ; not only does
it make the fastidious person uncomfortable, but it grieves or
mortifies his hosts to find that they have provided nothing
that he can eat.
Of course a thoroughly well-bred person will make no com-
plaints under these circumstances, or allude in any way to
his dislike of the food before him ; he will be content with
something else that is on the table, or console himself with
the next course.
Children should be especially cautioned, when they are
about to dine away from home, not to ask for what is not
upon the table, like the Southern children who cried out in
amazement, " Where is the rice 1" a dish to which they
had always been accustomed at home; or like those other
very exact infants who asked, " Is this home-made sponge-
cake, or baker's, because we are not allowed to eat baker's,"
etc. Of courSe a considerate hostess who entertains children
will inquire carefully about their tastes, and what they are
allowed to eat at home.
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 107
Children are usually extremely fond of fruit, and they
should be taught how to prepare and eat the different kinds,
and above all, never to spit the seeds and stones out, but to
remove them quietly and carefully with the thumb and fin-
gers, or with the fork. Oranges are very difficult for young
people to manage, and it is well to have some older person
peel them and divide them into pegs, which is the best way
for children to eat them. Grown people who are skilful have
various pretty ways of cutting up this very juicy fruit ; but
many persons not thus dexterous avoid eating oranges in
public. English people often pare them with a spoon.
A steel knife should never be used with fruit of any sort,
for the very good reason that the acid in the juice stains the
steel, giving it an unpleasant appearance, as well as imparting
an unpleasant taste to the fruit.
All fruit requires great nicety of management in order that
the person eating it may not make himself disagreeable to
his neighbors. Thus, one who is delicate in his way of eat-
ing may very properly eat apples or pears with his fingers
after he has nicely peeled and quartered them. But for
many people it is safer to eat these fruits with a fork, espe-
cially in the case of a very juicy pear.
The first rule at the table is not to do anything that is
unpleasant. Hence it is better to use a fork, even if it may
seem affected to do so, rather than to use the fingers and be
disagreeable. With very juicy fruits a fork is necessary in
order that the fingers may not become soiled. Thus a pine-
apple requires a knife and fork both. Bananas should be
peeled and sliced with a knife and eaten with a fork.
Children should also be taught the use of the finger-bowl ;
that is, to dip the tips of their fingers in it nicely, and to
pass the fingers thus moistened across the mouth, then
wiping both the. mouth and fingers delicately on the nap-
kin, a fruit napkin, if one has been provided.
108 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
One childish trick I had nearly forgotten to enumerate,
that of eating or drinking from one hand while passing a
dish or plate with the other. This should never be done ;
the child should put down its glass or fork, or whatever it
holds in its hand, before attempting to pass anything. In-
deed, where the servants who wait are efficient, there is little
need of the handing of dishes by those who are sitting at
table.
Children must not be allowed to dip bread in any sauce
that may be on their plates, nor to drain off a goblet at a
single draught. This is a favorite expression in romance, but
is not considered to be in " good form " at the present day.
Children like to do it, and then gasp for breath a natural
but unpleasant result afterward. Some of them, also, need
to be cautioned against speaking when their mouths are full,
keeping their mouths open when they are eating, bolting
their food, etc.
Many of them like to read at table ; but this is a most
unsocial habit, and is also bad for the digestion, in the
opinion of some doctors. If there is any reading at all at a
meal, it should be reading aloud, a custom at the table of
that noble and learned man, Sir Thomas More.
But our Sybaritic age does not favor any form of instruc-
tion at meals, unless of the mild and doubtful kind which
is shed upon us in after-dinner speeches. The elder Pliny
not only read at his meals, but when he was going along in
the streets ; indeed, reading would appear to have been his
normal condition when he was awake.
A pitcher should be handed with the handle toward the
person to whom it is passed. Spoons and forks should be
held by the middle, and knives by the lower part of the
shaft, the handles always turned toward the recipient.
Should children be allowed to talk at the table ? Yes, and
no. It is cruel to follow the rules of our ancestors and
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN AT TABLE. 109
expect the little ones to preserve perfect silence through a
long meal. On the other hand, children's tongues are danger-
ous gear to set in motion, and should never be allowed to
gain full headway at the table, especially if any guests are
present. Children should never be allowed to appear at a
dinner-party, unless the occasion is a very friendly and
informal one. Even then it is better to place them at a
side-table.
If they are allowed to talk at all they must be cautioned
not to do so while they are eating, not to interrupt other
people, not to make personal remarks about any one at the
table, and not to argue or find fault.
It seems to me that the theme, or main and initiative part
of the conversation, should be left to the " grown-ups ; " while
the younger members of the family may strike in occasion-
ally with a " piano " accompaniment, or some variations of
moderate length only.
CHAPTER XII.
LUNCHEONS.
A DINNER-PARTY has become in these days such an elabo-
rate and formal affair that the timid and modest entertainer,
or one who shrinks from ceremony, no longer invites people
to dine with him. An invitation to dinner seems such a
solemn thing, even if you protest and declare that the dinner
will be strictly en famille ! The word " dinner " implies of
necessity a certain degree of formality; "luncheon," on the
other hand, may imply anything or nothing ; it is a delight-
fully elastic meal and name, and includes every sort of re-
past, from a bowl of bread and milk to a grand banquet of
seventeen courses !
If your friend lunches with you and finds everything on
a simple and unpretending scale, he may still imagine that
at your dinner-table all is very different. But if you are
" found wanting " in the preparations for your dinner, then
indeed have you given away your last stronghold ; beyond
this can no imagination go.
To avoid this unhappy result many people invite their
friends to take luncheon, or " stout tea," and you go and eat
what is virtually a dinner in all but the name.
Between a formal lunch-party and a dinner there is really
very little difference. Bouillon is usually served in cups, in-
stead of soup in soup-plates, at luncheon. When the guests
enter the dining-room they find these cups already filled, and
set at each place on a plate.
LUNCHEONS. Ill
Tea and coffee, if served at all, are handed around in the
dining-room, and never in the drawing-room, as they often
are at a dinner-party. Menu-cards should never be used at
luncheon ; indeed, many people consider them as inelegant,
and declare that they are only in place on public occasions
or at stag parties. At a lunch only a few wines are given,
and the courses are rather less substantial in character than
at a dinner. But where the occasion is a ceremonious one,
the table is set very much as it would be for a dinner-party
minus the lights ; and even these are not wanting at some
luncheons. There is the same profusion of flowers, silver,
glass, and china ware, and the dishes are all served from the
sideboard and handed around by the servants.
The guests go into the dining-room separately instead of
arm-in-arm, the ladies going first, and the gentlemen follow-
ing them. The ladies' toilets, though sometimes elaborate,
are never such as are worn at dinner or in the evening.
Often there is a great variety of dress on these occasions,
some ladies wearing very elegant reception dresses, others ap-
pearing in tailor-made street costumes. Bonnets are usually
worn, but gloves are of course removed before sitting down to
table. Gentlemen appear in morning dress, if they appear at
all ; but most lunch-parties in America are given for ladies
alone. Sometimes, where quite a number of guests are pres-
ent, many little tables are used, three or four guests sitting at
each ; or again, at a very large lunch, no one sits at table, the
refreshments being handed around in the dining-room.
Among the very pleasantest lunches are the informal fa-
miliar occasions where six or eight friends meet together
and enjoy a plain but substantial meal spiced with plenty of
bright and witty talk. If a suburban friend or a gentleman
of leisure accidentally arrives, he is warmly welcomed to the
elastic meal, and many a charitable project, many a pleasant
excursion or summer trip, is planned and arranged in this
112 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
leisure moment of a busy day. In short, lunch-time is
the kaleidoscopic part of the twenty-four hours ; the combi-
nations that then arise charm us, because they are unforeseen.
Old friends who have not met for years, perhaps, and busy
people with "just a moment" to spare, all may meet at this
enchanted hour, meet and part as bubbles do, the bright
prismatic colors of the rainbow flashing for a moment in
their friendly talk ; and then, presto ! all is silence. One
guest has gone to a concert, another to a committee meeting,
a third to her studio, and a fourth to offer up the constantly-
recurring sacrifice of her time demanded by that insatiable
Moloch, Family Shopping!
For such a lunch-table as I have just described, a great
latitude in the matter of the bill of fare is allowable, though
meat in some form, or soup, should certainly be found upon
it. Cold meats and salads are always appropriate, but most
people prefer some hot dishes even at lunch. Fried oysters,
croquettes, French chops, fish, even a plain beefsteak or a
dish of minced meat, if nicely cooked and served, may be
placed on the lunch-table.
Chocolate is a favorite beverage with many people, and is
more suitable for the middle of the day than for the evening,
being a rather heavy and not very digestible form of food.
The plates should be changed for dessert, and for each
course where there are several courses.
In England it is quite customary at informal luncheons
for the servants to leave the dining-room after they have
helped the guests to the joint (which is an inevitable feature
of English luncheons) and handed around the vegetables and
the wine, leaving the host and hostess to help to the entries,
where there are any, and to the sweets. The same informal-
ity is allowable in this country ; but in most American
houses a hostess prefers to have the assistance of a servant,
unless at a very simple lunch. It is to be feared that we are
LUNCHEONS. 113
lazier about waiting upon ourselves than our English breth-
ren ; and we also dislike less than they do the presence of
servants at table, and the restraint that it entails.
The usual cover for lunch consists of two knives, two forks,
one or two spoons, a water-goblet, and if wine is given, two
wine-glasses, one for sherry and one for claret. The bread
is folded in the napkin, as at dinner. With bouillon, a large
teaspoon is provided. Where the lunch is a very elaborate
one, three knives and forks may be set at each place, or two
knives and three forks, a fork for raw oysters also, etc.
According to English custom, tea and coffee are not given
at luncheon, wine taking their place. But in America we
cannot do without our tea and coffee even when wine is
served. As we have no leisure class of men to stay at home
and take lunch with us, it has become quite a feminine meal,
and American ladies do not care much for wine, except
possibly for champagne.
At an informal occasion the hostess pours out the tea and
coffee ; at a formal one, they are passed around on a wajter
by the servant, two or three cups at a time, a second servant
following with cream and sugar, also on a salver. The coffee
must be served as it would be after dinner ; that is, strong
black coffee {cafe noir) in small cups, accompanied with tiny
coffee-spoons. Strict etiquette forbids the use of milk with
this beverage in its after-dinner form ; but although Ameri-
cans dearly love to copy foreign etiquette, they also love to
be comfortable and to make other people so ; hence the pres-
ence of the cream-jug is connived at by many hostesses. It
is not necessary to give both tea and coffee at luncheon ;
either one may be given alone, or chocolate may be substi-
tuted for them both. Coffee is usually preferred to tea,
especially by young people.
The wine may be set on table in decanters, either sherry
or claret, or both. Light sparkling wines are sometimes pre-
8
114 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
ferred for luncheon, or champagne, where the occasion is a
formal one.
In setting the table the fruit and the dessert are often
placed on it, and the meats either served from a side-table or
set before the lady of the house, who helps her guests. With
this arrangement the vegetables are handed from the buffet.
In England finger-bowls are not used at luncheon ; with us
they often are, and are set on table just as they would be at
dinner.
At elegant lunch-parties the service is usually d la Russc,
and each lady finds a bouquet of flowers or some pretty
painted trifle or other favor beside her plate. It is not usual
to remain very long after luncheon, as the hostess may have
other engagements for the afternoon ; half an hour is long
enough to stay unless where music is given, or unless in the
case of intimate friends, who are privileged to linger.
What is the difference between lunch and luncheon 1 Just
about as much as between tweedledum and tweedledee. The
English call the meal luncheon, and we are beginning to do
the same thing in this country. Some people consider it
very affected to speak of the meal otherwise than as " lunch "
or a "lunch-party;" but these are rather conservative indi-
viduals. According to present use in this country " lunch "
and "luncheon" are practically synonymous; the terms "a
ladies' lunch," " lunch-party " may be thought more eupho-
nious than "a ladies' luncheon," etc., and are certainly very
often used.
Lunch affords a good opportunity for housekeeper and cook
to display their ingenuity, many excellent dishes suitable for
this meal being in one form or another rechauffes from the
previous day's dinner. At the family lunch-table many
little odds and ends can be used which would be unsuitable
for any more formal meal, but which fill up the gaps very
conveniently at this delightfully unceremonious repast.
LUNCHEONS. 115
Invitations for lunch are formal or informal according to
the nature of the occasion. They are usually written in the
first person, or even given verbally, but are sometimes en-
graved for a very ceremonious entertainment. They should
be answered promptly where one has reason to suppose the
lunch will be a " sit down " affair ; since the hostess ought
to know which of her guests are coming, although it will not
make so much difference in her arrangements as in the case
of a dinner. In the same way a little more indulgence is
shown to late comers at luncheon ; though, as has been said
above, much depends upon whether the occasion is to be a
ceremonious one. If any unforeseen occurrence should pre-
vent a guest from attending a formal luncheon, she should
send her hostess word at once, that her place may if possible
be filled.
Those who follow English customs closely never permit a
butler (or head-waiter) to wear full dress when waiting at a
lunch-party, even if it be of a very formal character. " Dark
morning costume " is the correct dress for a butler until the
magic hour for dinner arrives ; he may wear dark but not
black trousers, a black coat, and black necktie. Where two
men-servants wait on table the second wears livery, unless the
head of the house disapproves of the costume on principle.
Gentlemen sometimes ask whether ladies' lunches are not
very tame and tiresome ; very dull affairs, in short, without
the great masculine element to give them tone. Alas for the
vanity of men ! How sad it is that they can never know
(unless they hide themselves in the wine-cooler or behind
the buffet) what a jolly time women can have together, or
how fast feminine tongues can wag when unrestricted by the
presence of lords and masters !
There is another great pleasure that ladies derive from these
feminine lunches apart from the never-ending delight of
unremitting conversation. This is the gratification of the
116 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
sesthetic taste, with a hundred dainty devices and delicate
articles of food whose beauty and value would be thrown
away on the coarser masculine mind and palate.
Where but at a ladies' lunch or a fairy revel would you ex-
pect to find a course of calla lilies, each lady having on her
plate one of these white blossoms with a few early straw-
berries tucked away in its delicate cup ? Where else would
you find your sherbet lying cold at the heart of a " truly "
tulip, or frozen in the form of a candle and candlestick, with
real wick burning at the end, a dainty shade surmounting
the whole ? Would you or could you reasonably expect, at
any other meal, to find your rolls tied up with ribbon, and
green (paper) frogs hopping about on your plate under the
shade of most unpleasantly realistic ice-cream toadstools 1
We hope not ; the mania for blending is all very well, but
some things do not mingle, and it is useless trying to make
them do so. Ribbons are lovely in themselves, and for many
centuries have appealed direct to the feminine heart ; but why
should they be mingled with our food 1 What possible con-
nection can there be between ribbons and bread ? It would
look perfectly ridiculous to see the family loaf adorned with
a wide ribbon bow on its broad brow ; and why does not little
bread look just as absurd garnished with narrow ribbon?
How pleasant were the old times when we could eat out of
china, when we thought plates were good enough for us, and
did not consider it necessary to take our food out of paste-
board boxes, silken bags, and paper cups, nor to have station-
ery and haberdashery hopelessly mixed up with our viands !
Ribbon is now the serpent whose trail is over all. If I
found it in my soup, I should not murmur at the all-pervading
decrees of Decorative Art, but should meekly draw it out as
an article not calculated to assist digestion.
Despite these little incongruities and fanciful extrava-
gances, there is much to admire in and on the lunch-table of
LUNCHEONS. 117
to-day. The table-cloth, to begin with, is a poem in linen, a
poem, alas ! which, with its elaborate drawn-work and won-
drous lace-like effects, may have cost some poor woman her eye-
sight. The color which a stern good taste forbids in a dinner-
cloth is considered quite allowable in a lunch-cloth. The
handsomest ones are white, however, with a dash of color
here and there. A beautiful set of table linen which sold
recently for the moderate sum of fifty dollars, showed a
bunch of grapes worked solid in fine gold-colored silk at
each corner of the cloth ; this was bordered with elaborate
drawn-work, finished with knotted white fringe. The large
doilies, six in number, matched the cloth, save that the
design was made smaller. The solid masses of golden berries
clustered at each corner of the table and nestled beside the
plate of each guest gave a rich golden effect that reminded
the beholder of King Midas's famous meal. But the reminder
was a delicate and artistic one, a shadowy likeness in soft
silk, not a bold copy in gross metal.
At some ladies' lunches one must begin before the table-
cloth, because the ceremonies of ornamentation commence in
the dressing-room. Here the ladies find enormous cards, each
one decorated with a bow of different-colored satin ribbon
(the inevitable serpent), pink, blue, orange, lilac, etc., while
the legend beneath sets forth that the ladies whose names are
written on the orange card will please sit at the orange table,
and so on, through all the colors.
At the lunch-party of which I am now writing, assurance
was made doubly sure, each lady's name being painted in gold
letters on the wide streamer which flowed from her basket of
flowers. The end of this ribbon was caught around the
napkin so as to bring the name uppermost, thus forming
a novel sort of dinner-card. The yellow ladies had golden
baskets containing yellow flowers, the pink ladies had pink
roses, etc. On each table was a handsome candelabrum con-
118 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
taining lighted candles of the color to match the prevailing
decoration, with shades of the same hue ; smilax and delicate
flowers were wreathed about these candelabra, still maintain-
ing the harmony of color. This dainty feast was called " a
rainbow lunch."
At a luncheon there is an excellent opportunity for the dis-
play of beautiful china, the daylight showing the beauty of
the ware to great advantage. Where people have well-filled
china-closets, a complete change of design and color is made
for each course. The delicacy of some of these courses is
almost exaggerated, and recalls to mind the nightingales'
tongues of ancient Rome. If a countryman with a hearty,
healthy appetite were set down in the midst of one of these
feasts, what would he think ? Probably he would be of the
opinion that he had seen no real and actual luncheon, but
" samples " merely of several large repasts that were going on
elsewhere. Certainly a pdte no larger than a silver dollar
looks like nothing but a sample of some more adequate pie,
even if the pdte is composed, as it usually is, of the most
rich and mysterious ingredients. jljAJr sn^Y
One of the new fancies is to eat off dfiinty little inetal spits,
or skewers, each one ornamented with a butterfly by way of
a handle. On these spits may be strung delicate morsels of
chicken liver, infinitesimal scraps of nicely browned pork, etc.
Each skewer is brought in erect, being firmly planted in a
groundwork of some aesthetic paste.
No, I am not speaking of the days of Heliogabalus, al-
though for the moment it seemed as if I must be. Where all
this luxury will end is hard to say. As our people are in the
main very sensible, they will probably get tired of this ex-
treme frippery in the course of a few years, just as they have
abandoned the Queen Anne style of architecture. After out-
gabling gables, and indulging in a perfect frenzy of peaked
roofs, balconies, and loggias, they suddenly made the amazing
LUNCHEONS. 119
discovery that the inside of the house was the part actually
lived in (at least in our climate), and that perhaps it would
be well to have the dwelling-rooms large enough for comfort,
instead of being chopped up into mince-meat, sacrificed for
the appearance of the exterior. So Americans have soberly
returned to building houses with simple outlines, and that
contain large rooms, and they have hung the pumpkin, or
its color, on the outer wall, to show that we still believe in
the Puritans and in their favorite vegetable.
In the same way the ladies' lunches, with their twenty
courses of china and glass, will no doubt subside before long
as suddenly as a lofty and imposing but empty card-house
tumbles to the ground. We may not perhaps return to the
plain roast and boiled, the simple fare in which old George
III. delighted, but rather to that safe middle path, the golden
mean, which avoids all excesses alike, whether of luxury or
of simplicity.
It has become the fashion now to speak of any meal taken
between or after the regular meals as a luncheon. Thus
sandwiches and beer, or any other light refreshments, if eaten
at two o'clock in the morning, on returning from a ball,
constitute a " luncheon," and not a supper.
The French dejeiiner d, la fourchette does not differ mate-
rially from what we call luncheon. It is now becoming the
fashion to invite people to late breakfast, instead of to lunch ;
but few of the guests would know the difference between
the two meals, except from the wording of the invitation.
A " French breakfast " takes place somewhat earlier than a
lunch, at twelve o'clock instead of one, for instance.
The first course usually consists of fruit, strawberries,
melons, or whatever fruit is in season. In the succeeding
courses there are often various preparations of eggs, since
these belong more distinctively to breakfast than to luncheon.
At some houses every meal begins with a course of fruit.
CHAPTER XIII.
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS.
WITH the ever-increasing luxury of the present day a new
fashion has grown up ; namely, that of giving frequent and
expensive entertainments for a few people rather than large
parties for society in general. Thus many ladies now give
a dozen handsome lunches and dinners to repay their social
obligations and entertain their friends, where fifteen or
twenty years ago they would have given three or four large
soire'es.
There are many advantages in the new system, and many
drawbacks as well. The beauty, aesthetic and gustatory, of
a modern feast is not to be denied, and has been described
at some length in another part of this volume. But the ten-
dency of these comparatively small reunions is to divide
people into cliques and sets, to encourage the animal within
us, to make us selfish, and to do away with the larger and
more catholic gatheringj which have their own charm, a
charm apart from the aesthetic gratification of the senses
which the modern dinner-table affords.
Let us lunch and dine, by all means, but let us also enter-
tain in a more general way ; otherwise we shall be apt to
invite and be invited by the same people over and over again,
excluding from our feasts the lame and halt whom the Bible
bids us ask as our guests. The lame and halt, socially
speaking, who does not know them ? Mr. . a man
with the divine spark of poetry in him, is one of them. He
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 121
shall write verses when his heart is touched, cere jjerenuius ;
and his talk how full of thought, his wit how subtle and
delicate ! But he lives in a small old-fashioned house, and
dines not, neither is he dined.
Mrs. is another of this fraternity. She has a large
house and a sufficient income, but does not know how to
entertain people, and fears to invite them lest they should be
bored. Younger brothers and older sisters belong to those
who are socially disabled as far as dinner-parties are con-
cerned. A dinner-party is necessarily very limited as to the
number of guests; hence, only two, or at the utmost three,
can be invited out of the same family. These will usually
be the most eligible members of it ; the handsomest daugh-
ter and the most agreeable son will be asked over and over
again ; papa and mamma, if they are quiet dull people, will
be "left out in the cold" altogether, unless they defend
themselves by giving dull dinners of their own to those
who may be counted upon to invite them in return.
Luckily there is one form of general entertainment which
is still very popular, and in which even suburban lame ducks
can find their account. " Afternoon teas," revived in Eng-
land about twenty years ago, and imported to this country
soon afterward, are certainly a most admirable institution.
What if the dissipation they afford is of the mildest type ?
It may be mild, but 'it is perennial. An afternoon tea is
so cheap that anybody can afford to give one, and involves
so little trouble and formality that even the most timid or
most lazy hostess need not shrink before the very diminutive
lions it brings into her path. She need only provide tea,
coffee, or chocolate, with thin slices of bread and butter or
sandwiches, fancy biscuits, and cake.
Indeed, some of the pleasantest five-o'clock teas are the most
informal ones, where the lady of the house has all the tea-
equipage in the drawing-room, placed on a little table beside
122 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
her, and where she pours out the fragrant beverage for her
friends as they drop in, two or three at a time. For an
occasion of this sort it would be sufficient to provide fancy
biscuits or cake to accompany the tea, and the invitations
would be given out quite informally. They might either
be verbal, or written or engraved on a lady's visiting-card ;
thus,
tacu
Friday* in January
and February. *
If the hostess intends to receive on that day throughout the
season, " Fridays " or " Friday " would be sufficient. Where
a lady gives only one or two " afternoon teas," the refresh-
ments are on a somewhat more elaborate scale, but may still
be simple if she prefers to have them so.
Many people who dine late in our large cities have five-
o'clock tea served every day, and are almost always at home
to friends at that hour. But what a difference is there be-
tween the reception you A^ill meet at various houses, even
where the invitations are precisely alike and the preparations
for receiving guests made on just the same scale !
Some people are so formal in their very natures, that they
impart frigidity to all who approach them. Your backbone
begins to straighten itself up at the very aspect of the ser-
vant who opens the door, whether he is a wooden footman or
one of those preternaturally prim maid-servants who seem to
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 123
have caught an inward starch from long contact with their
grim mistresses.
If on entering the parlor yon find the furniture uphol-
stered in blue satin of a more than usual degree of slipperi-
ness, it will all seem part of one general plan. You will only
sit on the very edge of your chair, and as you receive your
tea from the hands of another frozen menial you will wonder
how the tea can keep hot under such chilling influences !
Of course the conversation will turn upon the weather (on
looking out of the window you observe that it has suddenly
begun to snow), and will be extremely limited, for the guests
will not be introduced to one another, and they will feel the
gene of their austere surroundings. The hostess is robed in
satin, like her chairs, and her hair has been dressed by a
hair-dresser. The solemn servant passes around marrons
glaces, or candied rose-leaves; but how can one insult his
dignity by receiving such childish trifles at his hands 1 None
but the most candy-hardened school-girl would dare to touch
the little trifling bonbon tongs which surmount the sugary
heap.
Slipping away from the congealing hospitality of this house,
you go to another only a few blocks distant, and the sound
of merry laughter greets your ear the moment that the door
opens to admit you. Within, you find yourself in a wide
spacious hall, through which you pass to a suite of three par-
lors. In each an open fire gives a cheerful look to the apart-
ment, but the farthest is the centre of attraction. Here
stands the tea-table, with a pretty girl sitting at either end
pouring out tea and coffee. In this room also is the host-
ess, handsome, cordial, hospitable. Her hair, to be sure, is
gray, but her heart does not match it, ft la Byron. She
receives every guest with a cordial grasp of the hand, and her
face is so beaming with kindliness and the true "spirit of
hospitality that every one feels himself sincerely welcomed.
124 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
The busy hostess hardly sits still for a moment ; she wishes
to be sure that all her guests are amused and happy, that
they are provided with tea and cake, and, what is more im-
portant, that they have some one to talk to. Perhaps she has
several lions among her company of the afternoon, and she
wishes to see that all have a fair chance to make the ac-
quaintance of these distinguished visitors.
This lady does not believe in the modern theory of non-
introduction, although you will find in her salon fashionable
women and distinguished men, a brilliant and charming
assembly, where every one feels at home, and accepts cor-
dially the hostess's parting invitation to " come next time."
Xo, she does not live in Boston, this particular hostess,
though no doubt the Hub can boast of some ladies who en-
tertain with the same cordiality and grace.
The refreshments at an afternoon tea are so few and simple
that they ought without peradventure to be the very best of
their kind. The tea should be properly steeped in absolutely
boiling water, but never allowed to boil on the stove, and
ought to be accompanied with cream, and not milk. Where
a large number of guests are expected, the tea and coffee
should be in urns, kept warm by alcohol lamps.
Some people have the servants hand around cups of tea
and coffee on a waiter, instead of pouring out these bever-
ages themselves; but this method takes away half the
charm and air of reality of the tea-drinking. The hostess
herself cannot undertake to entertain her guests and pour
tea too, except where very few people are present. She
can usually, however, depute the duty to a daughter of
the house, or bespeak beforehand the services of some other
friend.
In the time of good Queen Anne they even went so far as
to grind the coffee in public when the august sovereign
gave an afternoon tea.
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 125
For lo 1 the board with cups and spoons is crown'd,
The berries crackle, and the mill turns round;
On shining altars of Japan they raise
The silver lamp ; the fiery spirits blaze ;
From silver spouts the grateful liquors glide,
While China's earth receives the smoking tide:
At once they gratify their scent and taste,
And frequent cups prolong the rich repast.
POPE : Rape of the Lock.
The good queen evidently liked her beverages hot ; and
the modern hostess should remember that not only the tea
and coffee but the boiled milk as well should be hot, and
not lukewarm. Cream makes a wonderful improvement in
the flavor of both tea and coffee.
If bread and butter are provided, the bread must be of wafer-
like thinness, spread nicely with " the best of butter " and
arranged sandwich fashion, with the crusts trimmed off. In
summer, iced tea flavored with lemon and served without
cream or milk is sometimes substituted for hot tea. Eng-
lish Breakfast is now the favorite and fashionable variety of
tea, though Oolong and Japan teas still have their faithful
adherents.
The little low five-o'clock tea-tables, with their dainty em-
broidered cloths, are so pretty and picturesque that it seems
a thousand pities not to use them. But they will be found
inconvenient, except on very small occasions, not only on
account of their diminutive size, but because they are so low.
A rather small table of the ordinary height, placed against
the wall, may be substituted for the regulation five-o'clock
tea-table ; at this the hostess is not obliged to sit down every
time that she pours out tea.
When cards are issued for only one or two afternoon teas,
the refreshments are usually on a more elaborate scale, and
often comprise bouillon, ice-cream, lemonade, punch, and even
oysters and salads. The latter belong more properly to a
126 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
reception; but afternoon teas, receptions, and kettledrums
melt into one another by imperceptible gradations, and the
names are often used interchangeably. Strictly speaking, the
five-o'clock or afternoon tea is the least formal occasion of
the three, the kettledrum coming next in order, while the
afternoon reception, or "at home," is the most ceremonious
of them all.
Fora reception the hostess usually wears a hand some' demi-
toilet, silk, satin, or velvet, made with a train, and cut down
at the throat if the wearer chooses. But she never wears full
evening dress, as this would be in very bad taste. The house
is often handsomely decorated with flowers, and a dressing-
room is thrown open for those ladies who may prefer to take
off their outside wraps, a second room being provided for
the accommodation of gentlemen. The guests may, if they
choose, wear handsome reception toilets, but never remove
their bonnets unless they have been previously invited to
receive with the hostess. As the same people often attend
several receptions, teas, etc., in the same afternoon, quite a
variety of dress is worn, many ladies preferring to appear
in the plain tailor-made street costumes that are now so
fashionable.
Gentlemen wear morning dress on all afternoon occasions ;
namely, black or dark frock-coat, with high waistcoat to
match, dark or gray trousers, and scarf or necktie.
They leave their overcoats, umbrellas, etc., in the hall, or
in the dressing-room if one has been provided for their use.
Their hats they may bring with them into the drawing-room
if they prefer to do so.
For a very handsome reception the rooms are sometimes
lighted by artificial light, the windows being darkened by
shutters or blinds, and a band of musicians is placed behind
a leafy screen where it can discourse sweet music with-
out being seen. The hostess stands near the door, so
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 127
that she can readily welcome her guests as they enter the
drawing-room. People do not usually remain very long at
an occasion of this sort ; half an hour's stay is sufficient to
meet the requirements of politeness, but this is often pro-
longed to an hour or more, according to whether the guest is
amused or not, and to the number of friends and acquaint-
ances whom he happens to meet.
<^Vl46 .
. / t j
ftom fettt & atac o cwcn,
The above is a proper form for an invitation to a reception.
The whole card may be engraved, or the invitation may
be written on a visiting card. It was formerly considered
proper to use figures in an invitation, for the day of the
month, the hour, etc. ; but the new fashion is to have all the
numbers except that of the street engraved in full, as in
the card given above. If the invitation is written on a
visiting card, it is still allowable to use figures.
As has been said elsewhere, it is not strictly correct to put
either "R S. V. P." or "to meet Miss So and so" on an "at
home" card : but it is often done now, custom and convenience
sanctioning the solecism.
128 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
isWUt.
, ja
<7
A) meet
iSWt4. tennina*
tf /
<%teet.
This card means, if it means anything, that Mrs. Barclay
intends to stay at home to give herself the pleasure of meet-
ing Mrs. Smith, and that your views of her conduct on this
occasion are respectfully requested, as those of an impartial
third person. But it is useless to sneer at the decrees of
fashion. By and by some leader of the social world will
invent a different form of invitation, and we shall all follow
his lead like so many well-bred sheep.
Kettledrums are said to have received their name from the
fact that they were originally given by the wives of officers at
the headquarters of the latter, a drum making an impromptu
stand for the tea-equipage.
It is more likely, however, that the name is a survival or
revival of the old English " drum," a word which was con-
stantly used in Queen Anne's time and later, to describe
AFTERNOON TEAS AND RECEPTIONS. 129
fashionable gatherings. Smollett says : " This is a riotous
assembly of fashionable people of both sexes at a private
house, consisting of some hundreds ; not unaptly styled a
drum, from the noise and emptiness of the entertainment."
The word " kettledrum" is not often used in invitations now,
though for a time it was quite the rage to call every afternoon
occasion by this name. A kaffee-klatsch is the newest name
for afternoon tea or rather coffee drinking. It certainly has
an admirably descriptive sound, this title, and conveys
the idea of boundless talk, clatter of spoons, and the harm-
less (?) scratch of gossip better than any of its predecessors.
The following is a form often used for invitations to after-
noon teas.
Friday, February sixth,
Tea at five o'clock.
CHAPTEE XIV.
BALLS AND DANCING-PARTIES, THEIR ARRANGEMENTS, ETC.
FORMULAS for invitations to balls and dances have been
already given in the chapter on Invitations. For a large
ball, especially if it be given at a very gay season, when
people will be apt to have numerous engagements, the invi-
tations are sometimes sent out three or four weeks before-
hand. This is notably the case in London, where the short
season of gayety is crowded with social events.
In America, we have few houses that are large enough to
give balls in with any comfort to the dancers. Indeed, not
many of them can boast a regular ball-room ; and yet Amer-
icans are extremely fond of dancing, and dance extremely
well. We have therefore adopted the custom of giving pri-
vate balls at public assembly-rooms ; and for the dancers this
is infinitely more agreeable than trying to dance in crowded
parlors, where the heat and the great crowd of non-combatants
destroy all the pleasure for the young people.
It is in vain that the hospitable host and hostess at a private
ball throw open their mansion from top to bottom, and arrange
card-tables in the hope that the elderly will be lured away
from the main scene of action. They will not be ; every one
Avants to hear the music and see the dancing, save perhaps
a few flirtatious couples who wander away to deserted nooks
and corners.
BALLS AND DANCING PARTIES. 131
But in the assembly-rooms at Delmonico's in New York,
or at Pierce's Hall in Boston, there is room for every one.
The elders can sit in comfort, without the danger of any-
body's trampling on their feet or crushing their dresses, and
the dancers have a delightful floor, spacious, smooth, and not
too slippery. The music, too, can be placed and heard to
much better advantage than in a private house, and the ter-
rible jam at the supper-table is measurably avoided.
Balls thus given lack a certain social element, it is true,
and it is also to be feared that the young men feel their obliga-
tions to a hostess even less, if that were possible, than they do
under her own roof. Some party-givers compromise matters
by giving a number of small dances at their own houses,
an excellent plan, but one which has also its own disadvan-
tages. There is a saying that " nothing makes so many
enemies as giving small parties ; " you cannot ask every one
to them, and somebody is sure to be offended because he is
left out.
The safest way, for those who can afford it, is to give one
large ball or reception in the beginning of the season, invite
all their friends and acquaintances, and after that to give as
many small parties as they choose.
Another objection to small dances at private houses is
that the mothers are often not invited. This is certainly to
be regretted, especially as it is usually the very young girls
the debutantes, those who most need the counsel and pro-
tection of their mothers who are invited to these dances.
In small cities, or in good, quiet, sober-going Boston, such
a custom is less dangerous than in a place like New York,
where the immense foreign population has necessarily had
its effect on manners and customs.
When making out a list of those to be invited to a ball,
one should be extremely careful to include the names of the
living only. It is very painful to receive an invitation for
132 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
some dear relative who has passed away from this earth ; yet
such a thing often happens. The reason for a mistake of
this sort is that the hostess when about to give a ball neces-
sarily asks many people with whom she is but slightly
acquainted ; perhaps she includes her entire visiting list, or
even goes beyond it.
But there are to be found in most cities a few learned
individuals who make it their pleasant business to know
everything about everybody. The worth of these persons
is not always fully appreciated by mankind at large ; but they
are invaluable in their way, and should always be consulted
by the givers of balls and other festivities.
The best floors for dancing are the parquet floors that are
now so fashionable. Where a house does not boast of
these, the next best thing is to take up the carpets and to
have the floors smoothed and planed by a carpenter, so that
there shall be no danger of splinters getting into the feet of
the dancers. Formerly, carpets were covered with crash,
which was nailed down over them smoothly, and made quite
a pleasant surface to dance upon ; but the fine lint which
arose from it was found to have a very bad effect on the
lungs of dancers and musicians. A favorite player of dance
music in New York died a few years ago of consumption,
caused by constantly inhaling this lint ; and the use of crash
has now been abandoned in a great measure because it has
proved so unwholesome.
Plenty of good music is a great desideratum for a ball.
Where a band of four or five or more players is employed, it
is usual to place them in a small room adjoining those used
for dancing, or at the end of the hall, a screen of vines and
flowers concealing the usually prosaic forms of the hired
musicians.
What a pity it is that we cannot hire Apollo to play for
dancing-parties ! Then we should not mind looking at him ;
BALLS AND DANCING PARTIES. 133
and he, being a god, would not get so desperately tired as do
the poor human musicians, who begin to wail out the dance
music in rather lugubrious fashion toward three or four
in the morning. How utterly inconsiderate and thoughtless,
not to say selfish, are very young people ! To them the
fatigue of a fat, elderly German musician is incomprehensible ;
indeed, they cannot understand that he should even want to
stop playing long enough to eat his supper.
It is lucky for the rest of the world that we can only be
young once. Youth is a glorious period, but how it makes
every one else suffer ! Rapt in delightful roseate visions, the
young man treads on air, and yet at the same time he man-
ages somehow to crush all the gouty toes that are anywhere
near him !
For a baD, all the appointments must be very handsome ;
there must be a first-class supper as well as good music, good
floors, and plenty of illumination. Usually a wealth of floral
decoration is an important feature of a modern ball-room ;
people turn their city mansions into temporary greenhouses,
and waving palms, with every variety of potted plants and
choice flowers, make a veritable Eden for the time being.
Where a ball is given in a public hall or a theatre, rich
hangings and handsome rugs, with pseudo-old furniture and
bric-a-brac, are disposed in such a way as to give the effect of
a house as far as possible ; for if we don't worship the Lares
and Penates of home in this age, we do worship the idol
bric-a-brac.
In a private house most of the furniture is necessarily re-
moved from the ball-rooms to make room for the dancers ;
but a fringe of chairs and sofas should be left for the dow-
agers, who cannot be expected to stand during a whole even-
ing. In England, people hire " rout-seats with velvet or
damask cushions " for so much a foot ; but in this country
we hire only chairs for the german or cotillon, true to our
134 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
priiiciple of looking out for the comfort of the young people,
and letting the elders look out for themselves. Paterfamilias
must not forget to provide these seats for the german, which
play an important part in the evening's entertainment. Fifty
years ago the cotillon was danced without seats -in New York;
but we have changed all that.
Supper may be served continuously during the evening, or
it may take place at a stated hour, twelve or one o'clock,
for instance. If the latter plan is adopted, it is advisable to
have punch, bouillon, and other light refreshments placed
where they will be easily accessible throughout the even-
ing. Bouillon and ices are sometimes handed among the com-
pany at intervals. Those who dance the german will need
a second supper ; or, if that is not provided, bouillon and ices
should be passed to them.
Oysters, fried, creamed, escaloped, and raw, salads,
croquettes, cold salmon served whole and handsomely orna-
mented, boned turkey, terrapin, birds, ices of the most expen-
sive forms and varieties, such as frozen pudding, bombe
glacee, caf6 mousse, etc., wine jellies and charlotte russe,
fresh and candied fruits, bonbons, tea and coffee, and endless
quantities of cake, are found on the supper-tables. Cham-
pagne and other wines are usually provided ; and alas ! it is
sometimes wiser for ladies not to visit the supper-table very
late in the evening, unless they wish to run the risk of meeting
there young men who have drunk more than is good for them.
The quantity of silver plate, gold spoons, etc., displayed by
some rich families on these occasions is very great, and detec-
tives in evening dress are sometimes employed to watch the
supper-table. Other entertainers do not use all their best
plate and china at a crowded ball, but hire their supplies
from the confectioner, thus giving themselves greater ease of
mind than they could possibly have, were so much of their
worldly wealth exposed to loss or destruction.
BALLS AND DANCING PARTIES. 135
It is the rule that a hostess shall not be more handsomely
attired than her guests, because if any one happens to be
simply dressed the hostess thus keeps her in countenance
as it were. But for a ball this rule does not hold. Here it
is expected that every one will be en gratide toilette, and
the hostess therefore wears her handsomest robes, her most
beautiful jewelry. Fashions in dress of course vary con-
stantly ; but it is an invariable rule that debutantes and very
young girls should wear jewelry sparingly. If a young girl
owns, for instance, a pair of large and valuable diamond ear-
rings, she does better not to wear them until she has been in
society for several years.
Young girls should always choose white, or light, delicate
colors for ball costumes, and as a rule, soft transparent mate-
rials, such as tulle, mull, India muslin, etc. ; it will be time
enough to wear rich heavy brocades, silks, and dark velvets,
when they shall have attained more mature years. Some
young girls prefer silken materials for ball dresses because
they are less perishable. Rich laces should be reserved for
elder or married ladies ; Valenciennes and the thousand and
one pretty, cheap laces now in vogue are suitable for girls,
but deep flounces, aprons, etc., of point lace are not appro-
priate for them.
Debutantes are often ambitious of wearing costumes that
are altogether unsuited to their years. They do not under-
stand that it is " better form " for them to dress youthfully ;
indeed, they are often ashamed of being so young, and try to
hide their greatest charms, youth and freshness ! With
such girls, mothers should exercise a proper degree of firmness
on the subject of clothes, and in two or three years their
daughters will thank them for it.
In this country dressing-rooms are always provided for
balls, parties, etc., one for ladies and one for gentlemen.
Tt seems to us quite extraordinary that in London such a
136 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
provision is often omitted, and a lady must put the last
touches to her toilette before leaving her carriage.
In the lady's dressing-room, attendants should be in wait-
ing to help the guests take off their cloaks, remove their
overshoes for them, etc. ; and one attendant at least should
stay there all the evening, since young ladies are liable at
any moment to need a ruffle mended or to have some other
damage to their dresses repaired. The foot of man makes
wondrous havoc with the light draperies of a ball-dress ;
and the Countess * * * gravely informs her readers that
gentlemen should not wear spurs in a ball-room !
Where there are a great number of people present, it is
well to have the cloak bundles numbered, each lady hav-
ing a duplicate number in her pocket. At a public ball this
should always be done. There have been some dreadful
times at the White House through carelessness in this par-
ticular ; and after General Grant's Inauguration Ball, people
grew so desperate with long and vain hunting for their wraps,
that many went home hatless and coatless in the night air
like so many Cinderellas.
In the street, an awning overhead and a carpet on the
steps and sidewalk should be provided for the comfort of the
guests, and a policeman hired for the occasion ; or a private
servant should open the doors of the carriages and help the
ladies out. This functionary should also number the car-
riages, giving one number to the driver and the duplicate to
the occupants of the carriage, so as to simplify as far as possi-
ble the tedious process of finding one's carriage when the
party is over. A servant should also be stationed at the
door, so that the guests may be admitted without delay.
CHAPTER XV.
ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM.
A LADY does not now enter a salon leaning on the arm of
her husband or other escort. With the growing indepen-
dence of women, this old custom is falling into desuetude.
The lady enters first, the gentleman following her ; if there
are several ladies, the eldest goes first, mothers taking prece-
dence of their daughters in this country, according to the
Puritanical notion of respect for parents which we still
believe in in a few instances. In Europe the daughter
who has married a man of higher rank than her mother has,
takes precedence of her parent on all occasions, the latter
following meekly in the rear.
The hostess at a ball does not usually shake hands with
her guests, but makes them a sweeping courtesy instead.
Where she is supported by several daughters or friends who
receive with her, it is rather a severe ordeal for a bashful
guest to go up and receive a perfect broadside of courtesies ;
nevertheless it must be done as soon as one enters the ball-
room. Even if one comes late and the hostess has left her
post, the first duty is to hunt her up, and the next, for a
gentleman, is to shake hands with his host. If he has been
invited through some friend and is unacquainted with his
hosts, he should get his friend to present him; he should
also ask to be presented to the young ladies of the house,
138 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and if he is a polite young man, he will ask to have the
pleasure of dancing with them.
For the cotillon it is now usual to engage a partner before
the day of the ball, and to send her a bouquet. This is a
very expensive custom for young men, and one that many of
them would be glad to dispense with, because they cannot
afford it. What a boon it would be to society if some lead-
ing belle should take a hint from the present fashions in
funeral arrangements, and announce to her adorers that " no
flowers " would be received ! Her popularity would increase
fifty per cent, not only with the young men but with their
fond parents, who groan in spirit over the immense florist's
bills they are called upon to pay.
When asking a young lady to dance, be sure to do so in a
polite way. " May I have the pleasure of dancing the cotil-
lon with you ? " Never say, " Are you engaged for such and
such a dance ? " This is extremely rude, as it may oblige the
lady to confess that she has not been asked for that dance.
Yet some young men use this formula who ought to know
better ; they wish to save themselves the mortification of a
refusal, and thrust upon a lady the position they do not wish
to assume themselves.
That young ladies should never ask gentlemen to dance
with them, is a self-evident proposition ; nevertheless they
sometimes do it, or young men say that they do. When a
dance and the promenade which usually succeeds it are over,
a gentleman should always ask his partner with whom he
shall leave her, unless he already knows where her mother
or other chaperone is sitting. No one should feel obliged
to go on dancing or talking forever with the same person,
and a young lady should be very careful not to detain
a partner so that he will feel any awkwardness in excusing
himself.
Mr. Howells has drawn a vivid picture, in his "Indian
ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 139
Summer," of the dreadful consequences which ensue when a
man endeavors to dance the Lancers' quadrille without know-
ing how; but infinitely more terrible are the results when
any one endeavors to trifle with waltzing, a most deadly and
dangerous science, with which the unskilled should no more
think of meddling than they would of handling dynamite.
In the first place, the waltz step is changed every few years ;
therefore even a person who could dance very well according
to the old method should not venture upon the new one
until he has tried it in private. Some of the very best
dancers, however, are those who were wretchedly awkward
in the beginning ; and as we read about Demosthenes and
the pebbles he carried in his mouth, so ball-room stories are
whispered about the prowess of certain carpet-knights, how
this one practised with a chair till he mastered the Boston,
how that one's pretty cousin drilled him until he acquired
his'present style, etc.
There are professional people whose special business it is
to teach young men the current ball-room step ; and even
better than these, where their assistance can be secured, are
graceful feminine friends who can dance with the neophyte
and instruct him at the same time.
A gentleman should always make a bow to a lady when
asking her to dance, and both of them should bow and say
" Thank you " when the dance is over.
Despite the intricacies of the german, any one who is tol-
erably clear-headed and observant is safe in undertaking to
dance it, provided he is a good waltzer. Those who are not
familiar with the figures, however, should take their places
near the foot, where they will have a good opportunity of
watching others go through the various evolutions of the
dance, before their own turn comes. The part of leader of
the german is a very responsible one, and like all other posi-
tions of eminence, it involves arduous duties as well as honor
140 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and glory. No one should undertake it who is not thoroughly
familiar with the dance.
One of its rules is that people shall not dance save in their
turn ; and although this rule is occasionally violated, still,
where the leader goes around and requests the gentlemen
" not to take turns," it is only polite to refrain from doing so.
For a ball, a hostess needs to provide several sets of german
favors, including a bouquet for each lady in the bouquet
figure.
According to European customs any gentleman in the room
may ask a lady to dance whether he has been introduced
to her or not ; and it is customary for her to accept the in-
vitation, unless she is already engaged for the dance. After
it is over, her partner leaves her at her place, with a bow,
and their acquaintance, if such it can be called, ends with the
dance.
. In this country a gentleman does not ask a lady to dance
unless he has first been presented to her. He should get
the hostess or some mutual acquaintance to ask the lady if
she is willing to have Mr. introduced to her. Mr.
should in the mean time not stand so near that he will hear
the lady's answer, for she may have her own reasons for not
desiring to make his acquaintance.
Our young men have an odious and selfish habit of not
dancing if they cannot secure just the partners they want, and
of standing, a black-coated and dismal group, like so many
crows, around the doorway. This is extremely impolite to
their hostess as well as to such ladies as are not dancing. A
well-bred young man should ask his hostess to present him to
a partner, and should be polite in every way toward her
guests.
Young ladies should not be too much troubled if they are
not asked to dance as often as they would like, and above
all they should never look hurt or vexed. A good-natured,
ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 141
happy-looking wall-flower often turns into a butterfly and
finds her wings. Girls who are bright and amiable some-
times begin with receiving very little attention at parties,
and end with being favorites after their agreeable qualities
become known, "especially if they dance well." Some young
ladies never are willing to be seen in a ball-room after the
cotillon has begun, unless they have a partner. They either
go home or sit in the dressing-room. Others remain in the
ball-room looking very discontented, and refuse to go out in
the german if they are invited to do so, which is obviously
very foolish.
A young lady is much more apt to have dancing partners
throughout the season if a ball has been given for her.
Gratitude or some kindred emotion induces the young men
to dance with her rather than with the daughters of a
mother who never entertains.
In the german it is quite permissible for a lady to take
out a gentleman whom she does not know, because she must
take out some one, according to the laws of the dance ; and
if she knows very few of the gentlemen who are dancing, she
must either take out a stranger or else call upon her friends
or acquaintances over and over again. It is polite for a
young man who has thus been favored, to ask for an intro-
duction to the young lady with whom he has danced ; but
in our Eastern cities, young men are in such a powerful
minority that they do pretty much as they please.
Young ladies should be very careful not to forget their
dancing engagements, and should never refuse one gentleman
and then dance with another. A young lady may refuse on
the plea that she is not going to dance that particular dance,
but she must then be careful to sit through it. Where a
young man has engaged himself to two young ladies for the
same dance, he is in an awkward predicament indeed, from
his own carelessness. He can only confess his fault, procure
142 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
another partner for one or both of the ladies, and by subse-
quent attentions show that he is sorry for his blunder.
A hostess should endeavor to see that all her guests are
provided with partners for dancing, especially for the cotil-
lon. She usually has one or two young men who are
friends of the family to help her in this matter, or she has
ladies who receive with her, and thus enable her to slip
away occasionally and attend to her guests. But where
young men flatly refuse to dance, what can the hostess do 1
It seems incredible that they should be so rude; the fact
remains that they are.
To strangers from another city special attention should
always be paid. It has been said that strangers in Boston
society always have either a very delightful or a very dull
time. When supper is announced the host leads the way,
taking in with him the most distinguished lady present ; the
hostess follows last, in order to see that all her guests are
properly attended to. A gentleman takes the lady in to
supper with whom he is talking when it is announced, unless
he has made a previous engagement to take in some one else.
In this last case he must be on the alert, and excuse himself
to the lady he is with, as soon as the first movement toward
the supper-table begins ; otherwise he plays the part of dog
in the manger, and prevents other gentlemen from escorting
her to the supper-room. If a young man happens to be talk-
ing to a young lady and her chaperone when supper is an-
nounced, he should offer his arm to the latter, who should
accept it, the young lady following close behind them or
walking beside her mother.
A gentleman may always ask a lady if he can bring her
some refreshment, even where she is a stranger to him. In
fact, it would be very ill-bred for a gentleman not to do so,
where he noticed in the ball-room or in the supper-room
ladies to whose wants no one was attending. But he can-
ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 143
not with propriety enter into conversation with a stranger
whom he has thus obliged. He merely bows and withdraws.
Some young men attend to their own wants at the supper-
table more faithfully than to their partner's, returning at
long intervals to see if the ladies want anything more. But
if greediness is unpleasant in a man, it is much less pardon-
able in a woman, and a young lady should be careful not to
make too many demands at the supper-table lest she earn the
reputation of caring too much about what she eats. It is
wiser as well as more economical for the hostess to have
hired waiters attend to helping her guests unless she has a
large corps of servants of her own. Men whose business it
is to wait are much more efficient and much more careful
than young gentlemen; the latter are often very heedless,
upsetting dishes and plates, and very wasteful, helping people
to more than they can possibly eat.
It is not necessary to take leave of a hostess at a ball,
especially if one leaves early and before the affair begins to
break up.
Young ladies should have a little mercy on their unfortu-
nate mothers and partners, and not stay too late at balls.
The mammas find it dreary work indeed sitting up into the
small hours ; and the young men, many of whom are obliged
to go to business next day, of course cannot leave until their
fair partners are ready to go. Thus the young girls are really
the arbiters of the ball-room, and through thoughtlessness
rather than selfishness they often make other people endure
extreme fatigue. Indeed, the late hours and the wretched
feeling of weariness incident to rising early after dancing
nearly all night, are responsible for many of the dissipated
habits that young men fall into.
CHAPTER XVI.
MUSICAL PARTIES.
IT is very much the fashion now, both in England and in
this country, to provide some more or less intellectual feast
for the entertainment of guests ; and music, readings, recita-
tions, are all in great demand. Of these, music is the chief
favorite, and the easiest to procure, since almost every young
lady who goes into society has some vocal or instrumental
accomplishment.
A little music, even if it is not very well rendered, makes
a pleasant break in the monotony of a talking party ; it gives
those present an opportunity to change their places, to make
an end of tiresome conversations, and to begin fresh ones.
So if a young lady does not sing like Patti or Nilsson, we
forgive her, as long as her voice is fresh and sweet, and
provided her efforts are not too ambitious. An entertainment
where a little music is given, however, is a very different
affair from a regular musicale, whether it be matinee or soiree.
Where this name is used, it must not be taken in vain ; and
the guests will have a right to be both discontented and
satirical if they hear no music worthy of the name.
It is needless to enter here into a discussion of the merits
of the different schools of music. Some very delightful
musicals are given where the programme consists entirely
of selections from the Italian operas; though most of us
would prefer a sprinkling at least of the more intellectual
MUSICAL PARTIES. 145
harmonies of the German composers. Be that as it may, the
most important point is that the music should be good of
its kind, and interpreted by adequate performers, amateur or
professional. No one should attempt to give a musicale
unless he has a real acquaintance with the art of music, or
unless he puts the whole matter in the hands of some thor-
oughly competent person. A man who should make a collec-
tion of pictures without having any knowledge of the art of
painting, and invite all his friends to look at his gallery,
would be voted an intolerable bore. The man who inflicts
on you two or three hours of musical (?) torture, through his
own ignorance and ambition, is even a greater bore ; because
you can turn your back on the pictures, but you can't get
away from the music unless you stop your ears, which would
not be considered polite.
Where the host's purse is sufficiently long, it is much
better to employ some professional musicians, or what are
called " semi-pjrpfessionals ; " that is to say, people who sing in
church-choirs, etc., and are paid for what they do, although
very often they have some other business or occupation.
The amateur is sometimes a brilliant performer or a fin-
ished vocalist, but he belongs to a most uncertain species,
uncertain in more respects than one. In the first place, you
can seldom count on an amateur for any special occasion,
particularly if he is a singer. Great are the disappointments
caused by amateurs, as any one can testify who has had much
to do with them. They are not paid for their efforts, they
simply sing or play to oblige other people, hence they do not
feel themselves bound to appear if they happen to feel a little
unwell, or if they hear that some superior performer is going
to eclipse them. Those who sing have more to excuse them
than those who play, the voice being a delicate and unreli-
able organ, in the care of which an amateur rarely equals a
professional.
10
146 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
The second point of uncertainty about an amateur musi-
cian is as to his talents and capabilities. A man's friends
will say, " Oh, So-and-so sings delight/idly, you must have
him at your concert ! " when So-and-so has only a mediocre
voice, with very little cultivation. There is no uniform
standard by which people judge musical performance, because
so many know nothing at all about the art, and praise any-
thing that happens to please them.
But if one employs professionals the case is very different.
It is comparatively easy to find out what their musical stand-
ing is, and they are much less capricious than their half-
brothers the virtuosi. Probably they have as much vanity
and ambition as the latter ; but the chariot of regular work
has an amazing tendency to quiet Pegasus. When he is once
hitched between its shafts, business habits become second
nature, and the prospect of bread and butter is even more
stimulating as a daily incentive than that of fame.
If a professional musician is asked to sing or play he must
always be paid for his services. Some people, who ought
to know better, invite well-known singers to their houses
and then request these guests to sing for the amusement of
the company. This is in contravention of all the laws of
etiquette, and often produces much ill-feeling. The guest
does not like to refuse, because that would seem a churlish
return for the hospitality he is enjoying ; at the same time he
feels that it is treating him shabbily to invite him in his char-
acter of a private gentleman, and then expect him to display
himself in his public and professional character as an artist.
He feels also that it is a mean way of forcing him to part
for nothing with what is in reality a part of his stock in
trade. We don't invite merchants to our houses and then
ask them for a chest of tea or a firkin of butter ; nor do we
take advantage of the presence of a doctor at a festive gather-
ing to get him to prescribe for some ailing member of the
MUSICAL PARTIES. 147
family. An artist deserves quite as much or more consider-
ation at our hands than do these others ; for he is often a
stranger, and feels himself in a delicate position. Often, too,
he is of a sensitive nature and easily offended.
If you wish him, then, to sing or play at your party, he
should he invited to do so heforehand in a careful and deli-
cate way. You cannot command his services as you would
order a ton of coal, that is, not if you expect to get them.
Artists are "kittle folk" to deal with, and when one re-
members how badly they have often been treated it is small
wonder. They feel, and rightly, that the profession they
have chosen is not a degrading, but an elevating one. They
are not the less gentlemen for being artists, but their social
position is often disputed by those who should know better.
When Dickens was asked to read before the Queen of Eng-
land, he replied that if he was invited as a gentleman he
would do so, but not otherwise. In an interview which he
once had with the same exalted personage he showed some-
what of the spirit of a lackey, however, for he stood during
their long conversation of an hour's length or more and
then complained about it afterward. How much more digni-
fied was the conduct of Carlyle ! When he visited the royal
Guelph, he calmly sat down, not out of bravado, but because
it was fatiguing to stand. Her Majesty gracefully accepted
the situation, sat down herself, and waved her hand to those
about her as a token that they also should be seated. She
felt instinctively that she had met not only her superior, but
one to whom the artificial divisions of mankind into classes
made absolutely no difference. He saw so keenly the real and
actual divisions made by the Almighty, the superior qual-
ities of some men, the inferior qualities of others, that the
little petty difference in outward appearance between a pup-
pet prince and a peasant was to him of no real importance.
Dickens and Thackeray cried out constantly about snobbish-
148 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
ness, because its yoke was around their own necks. The
man of greater soul did not complain of it, because his
thoughts were ever on higher subjects.
In our own country instances are not wanting of snobbish
conduct toward artists. A Boston Anglo-maniac said to the
artist who was painting his portrait, " Why don't you marry,
Mr. ] It would be an excellent plan, if you should
marry some young woman of your own class."
Where a musician is new in his profession, and wishes to
be made known and advertised, he may sometimes be glad
to give his services without compensation to those who are
disposed to help him in his life effort, to those who are in
truth his friends and patrons. But one must have an actual
claim upon an artist, or know that he is a person really
obliging, and willing to give his services to please and amuse
others, before it will be safe to call upon him to do so. A
young pianist in Boston was seriously displeased because he
was asked to play, without previous notification, before half
a dozen people after dinner.
The host at a musical party has not only many snares to
avoid in the selection of his musicians, but he must also look
out for dangers ahead when he chooses his audience. A
rmtsicak cannot be a success unless most of the hearers are
fond of music, and of the kind which has been chosen for
the evening's entertainment. Thus, it is best not to make a
general party of such an occasion, but to invite those only
who will really enjoy your programme. If the audience is
large and mixed, it will be safer not to have a strictly classi-
cal one.
It is very rude to interrupt a musical performance by talk-
ing or laughing. Those to whom music is a bore ought
either to stay at home or to keep quiet and allow others to
enjoy it. I think it was Liszt about whom a good story
was told apropos of interrupting music. He had been asked
MUSICAL PARTIES. 149
to play before Queen Victoria, and had just struck the first
few chords, when her Majesty turned and spoke to some one.
The Maestro was much offended, but of course could not
make any remonstrance ; so he vented all his wrath on the
piano, and played the scales with such violence that the
Queen was obliged to get up and leave the room. As soon
as she had gone, Liszt quieted down and went on with the
performance with perfect calmness.
In arranging a programme ceteris paribus, the best per-
former should be given the last and not the first place. The
simple pieces also should come before the more elaborate and
florid ones. The reasons for these rules are obvious. No
ordinary artist would wish to follow one of marked superior-
ity, as the contrast would be disadvantageous to him. The
interest of an entertainment, moreover, ought to grow and
culminate, instead of declining.
M a&fetnccn, t_svwlca tn-
Stem Witee & ftt't cCwcn.
^wttJtc.
is a proper form for an invitation to a musical party. Camp-
chairs should be provided for the accommodation of guests,
150 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and a good piano for that of the musicians. It is unfair
to ask a pianist to play on a second or third rate instru-
ment, especially as one can always hire a Chickering or
Steinway anywhere within the boundaries of civilization.
The manufacturers will send a piano to any reasonable dis-
tance. If the hostess has a good piano of her own it must be
put in tune just before the musicale, and must not be tuned
too high where it is to accompany the voice, unless the lady
of the house wishes to receive the maledictions of tenor and
soprano on her devoted head.
A great deal of wit has been expended in making fun of
people who will not sing or play without an enormous
amount of urging. No doubt young ladies and gentlemen
too do sometimes behave in a foolish and affected way,
and protest they cannot sing a note, when all the time they
fully mean to warble as long and as loud as the company
will let them. But there are other people whose natural
shyness makes it positively painful to them to perform in
public. Still another class of persons hesitate to sing or play
when asked to do so, because they are not accomplished mu-
sicians and can only cause disappointment by their efforts.
How true to nature is the absurd story in " Happy Thoughts,"
where the luckless hero is fairly forced to sing a comic song
which he has half forgotten, to the disgust of himself and
everybody present !
Miss A., let us say, is fond of music, has a sweet voice, and
sings pleasantly enough at home, where she gathers her little
brothers around her at that best of all times for music, the
twilight hour. But her voice is entirely uncultivated, and
she does not pretend to be a musician. At Mrs. D.'s soiree
some injudicious person says, " Miss A., I hear that you sing
so charmingly ; won't you let us have the pleasure of hear-
ing you 1 " Others take up the chorus, and Miss A. is
much troubled, because she is placed in a false position. If
MUSICAL PARTIES. 151
the occasion is a very small and informal one she will perhaps
yield to the general entreaty rather than seem disobliging ;
but she will certainly refuse in the first instance, giving the
real reason, namely, that her voice is not cultivated, and that
she never sings except at home. If the party is a large one,
Miss A., if she is wise, will not allow herself to be inveigled
into displaying her home talent.
A hostess should have tact enough to see whether the
guest who is asked to sing or play is really unwilling to do
so, or whether he is only " shamming." It is both impolite
and unkind to urge people to do what they evidently prefer
not to do. Per contra, the "second person of the second
part," if he means to sing, should certainly not wait till he
is asked to do so many times, but should respond to the first
or second appeal. It is more polite for a hostess to repeat
her invitation only once. A person may naturally hesitate at
the first asking, thinking it to be only complimentary, or not
wishing to appear too eager to display his accomplishments ;
but with the second request he should comply, or else "forever
hold his peace." Generally speaking, it is better quietly to
do your best, and if you have any skill at all to give the
company the benefit of it. A short piece should be selected
for the first one, and if the audience like it they can easily
ask for more. It goes without saying that no one should
sing or play, unless at the invitation of the host or hostess.
An eminent musician said to his pupil (who was an ama-
teur), "Do not attempt to play your most difficult pieces of
music in public. Play something which you have thoroughly
mastered and which is comparatively simple. ... If you
have made a false note by accident, do not go back to correct
it." This gentleman knew something of the fluster and excite-
ment which so often hamper the efforts of young people
unaccustomed to play before even a private public, if one
7nay be allowed to use such an expression.
152 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Children should be taught to play or sing before other peo-
ple almost from the beginning. They will thus acquire a
habit which may be invaluable to them in later years, and
will probably never experience that mauvaise konte which is
such a torment to those who are subject to it. It goes with-
out saying that only children with musical talent should be
brought up in this way. Neither should these be allowed to
play before a large number of people until they are old enough
and fitted to do so. A child who is put forward as an infant
prodigy becomes conceited and odious. It is easy to observe
a happy medium by confining the young lady's audience to a
small circle of judicious friends, who will praise the music
rather than the performer, and who will encourage her with-
out over-stimulating her vanity.
People who have large houses and who really love music
often have a room specially built and adapted for it. The
first requirement for a music-room is that its acoustic prop-
erties shall be good ; hence all draperies are strictly banished
from it, carpet, curtains, upholstered furniture. Indeed,
one well-known pianist used to insist that all ladies should
come to his chamber concerts without their bonnets, because
the bonnets absorbed so much sound !
There is a beautiful music-room in one of those exquisite
houses which are the glory of new Boston. The colors are
quiet and subdued, the decorations all harmonious but un-
obtrusive, since the ornamentation in a music-room must be
of secondary consideration, and must not distract the atten-
tion of the hearers from the main pleasure, that of listen-
ing. The walls are crowned by a white frieze composed of
casts from the " singing boys " of Lucca della Robbia. The
floor is of polished wood, guiltless of nig or carpet. Dainty
and graceful cane-chairs, imported from Italy, take the place
of prosaic camp-stools ; the rest of the furniture is of gilt
wood, with two empire sofarettes. The inevitable grand
MUSICAL PARTIES. 153
piano stands in one corner, while near by, its graceful an-
cestor the harp calls up the spirit of ancient times, looking
like a gentle ghost of the past when compared with its pros-
perous and portly grandchild the Chickering grand. A
quaint old mandolin completes the trio of musical instru-
ments. No upholstery, no drapery of any sort is to be
found in this classic apartment, severe but beautiful, like the
harmonious sounds which echo within its walls. But when
it is filled with richly-dressed women and gay cavaliers,
then our severe room is like a marble Psyche which has
come to life, and the cold white frame suits to perfection
the beautiful warm picture which it clasps in its setting.
CHAPTER XVII.
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.
THERE is no social event which is of greater or more uni-
versal interest than a wedding. The mere mention of one
makes everybody feel happy and good-natured ; and when
the great day itself comes off, it finds all concerned in the
best possible spirits, even if a few inconsiderate people will
persist in crying during the ceremony.
The betrothed afterward the married couple are for a
time hero and heroine. Every one smiles and showers favors
upon them ; they are the great and central attractions of
the hour. Their every movement is watched with an in-
tense interest which ordinarily attaches to those of very dis-
tinguished persons alone. The world even the fashionable
cynical world shows its approval of the step they are about
to take by smiles and nods and figurative pats upon the
back.
Marriage is evidently still looked upon as a beneficent in-
stitution, notwithstanding the foolish talk of some news-
papers and people, a sort of fashionable cant of the day,
and notwithstanding all the unhappy details of Divorce
Court proceedings. It is a great thing, this Anglo-Saxon
respect for and admiration of marriage ; but some of the
results of this feeling, the domestic commotion, undue parade
and expense that grow out of it, are seriously deprecated by
thoughtful people.
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 155
In the first place the bride elect, feeling the importance of
her position, and the serious responsibility of making ar-
rangements which shall be in keeping with the coming great
occasion and important change in her life, often wearies
herself out with extensive preparations for her trousseau
and her wedding. If her parents are rich, or in comfortable
circumstances, she spends endless days in shops and in con-
ference with the mantua-rnaker and milliner. Not very
great fatigues these, a man may say ; but they are, when car-
ried to excess, a very great drain on a woman's nervous
energy. If the bride's parents are of limited means, her
ambition, I am sorry to say, will be likely to be the greater
rather than the less for that circumstance. She will toil
incessantly over the sewing-machine, making her own outfit,
until she is worn and haggard when the wedding-day ar-
rives ; whereas it ought to find her plump, rosy, serene, and
happy. This is no imaginary picture ; would that it were !
Then the expense which is so often thought necessary in
order to have a wedding go off in good style is very objec-
tionable where it induces people to spend more than they
can afford, as, alas ! they too often do. A gentleman in
New York recently committed suicide a few weeks after
his daughter's marriage. His wife, who was an ambitious
woman, and who had succeeded in w marrying her daugh-
ter well," made such demands upon her husband's purse for
the wedding expenses, etc., that he was led to forge checks
in order to give her what she asked for, and took his own
life rather than meet the disgrace which he knew must soon
come upon him.
Let a wedding by all means be celebrated worthily, and
with all due honor of ceremony and observance, but not with
too much parade nor with excessive expenditure. One bride
at a fashionable church wedding not a hundred miles from
Boston was so intent on the success of her wedding proces-
156 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
sion, and so angry with the street urchins who thronged
about the porch for interfering with it, that she scolded
them roundly then and there, to the great amusement of
the lookers-on.
But what would you ? Where a procession has been care-
fully rehearsed, it is hard to have it interfered with ; though
some of us are old-fashioned enough to think that such
rehearsals border on the profane.
It goes without saying that the bride names the day
after the bridegroom has asked her to do so. June is the
favorite month for weddings, because in our climate it is one
of the most beautiful months of the whole year. May is
considered unlucky, and has been ever since the time of the
ancient Romans. Ovid says, " That time too was not au-
spicious for the marriage torches of the widow or -of the
virgin. She who married then did not long remain a wife."
Where Easter falls late in the spring, it is usually succeeded
by many fashionable marriages, and our beautiful autumn
season is also a favorite time for them. At Newport there
are usually several brilliant weddings in the beginning of
September, when the gay season is near its end but still in
full activity. Thus the prudent bride enjoys all the summer
gayety and has plenty of time for a quiet honeymoon and
rest before the winter festivities begin. With these advan-
tages is combined that of a pretty summer wedding, and one
that takes place with more eclat than weddings in large
cities, where no single event can produce any very great
effect.
Society has now extended its round of amusements so
widely that no time of the year save possibly Lent is
free from gayeties of one sort or another. Lenox and Tux-
edo Park fill in the gap between watering-place festivities
and those of the winter season. The gay world amuses it-
self, in the city and in the country alternately, with a vigor
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 157
and constancy that would have very much surprised our
quiet ancestors. Under these circumstances it would be
mere cruelty to expect a fashionable bride to waste a month
in a honeymoon of tiresome quiet at some dull spot. The
retirement of the honeymoon is no longer, therefore, de
ngneur. The wedding tour is also going out of fashion, or at
least is no longer considered an indispensable adjunct to
the marriage ceremony. This is a move in the right direc-
tion, as it has always seemed a senseless proceeding for a
bride tired with the preparations for her marriage, and worn
out with the excitement attendant on the great event, to
start immediately on a long and fatiguing journey.
A proper formula for invitations to a church wedding is
given below. For such an occasion it is usual to send out
t^VU. a<na <^VLM. flamed
ttaaett tne nonet c/ i/eat
/ / /
<z/ Joe matttaae of J/ictk
f / f
//
<^w.a4u
at <*?( tsatff w/rtttc/i,
en
158 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
cards to all the friends of the families of both bride and groom.
These invitations are issued in the name of the bride's father
and mother, the bridegroom, of course, furnishing a carefully
prepared list of those persons whom he wishes to have in-
vited. It is now the fashion to engrave wedding invitations
in plain script on plain heavy white note-paper. No device
is used, unless possibly the family coat-of-arms, or crest, em-
bossed in plain white on the paper. The envelope is entirely
plain.
The cards of the bride and groom elect may also be enclosed.
Where people invite their whole circle of acquaintance to the
wedding, it is not necessary to send out supplementary cards
afterward, announcing the event. The formula of announce-
ment has been very much changed within a few years.
Formerly one often received a card simply inscribed with the
. $a
mattaae
o meet
<^Vlt.
en
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 159
names, " Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Townsend." To friends of the
bride living at a distance, who perhaps had never heard of
the bridegroom, these sphinx-like announcements remained
unsolved riddles for years, unless they were, by good fortune,
accompanied by cards bearing the bride's maiden name and
that of her mother. In these days the much more sensible
and convenient custom has arisen of " telling the whole
story." (See page 158 for formula.) These announcements,
like wedding invitations, are engraved on note-paper.
All wedding cards are paid for by the bride's family, as are
all the other expenses of a wedding, with the following ex-
ceptions. The bridegroom pays the clergyman's fee, and of
course provides the wedding ring and the bride's bouquet ;
he also makes the bride a present, in accordance with his
means, and sometimes gives the bridesmaids some article
of jewelry not of an expensive nature, or a bouquet. To the
ushers he gives scarf-pins, or some similar gift, unless the
bride should make these presents, which she sometimes does,
occasionally providing also gifts for the bridesmaids. Wed-
ding invitations do not require any answer unless one is re-
quested, as in the case of a sit-down breakfast, or of a
small home wedding. Friends living at a distance acknowl-
edge a wedding invitation by sending their visiting" cards
enclosed in an envelope addressed to the bride's father and
mother, or to the person in whose name the invitations
are issued. This is the proper course to pursue, even for
those to whom the bride's family are total strangers, their
only acquaintance being with the bridegroom or his parents.
Punctilious people consider it necessary to call within ten
days after a wedding ; one should certainly call as soon
after as is convenient.
Where there is to be a reception after a church wedding,
additional cards are enclosed in the same envelope with the
cards for the church.
160
SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
aftet
cetemonu,
e
The above is a proper formula to use. These are often sent
only to the relatives and intimate friends of the two families,
as few people are so fortunate as to have houses large enough
to accommodate their whole circle of acquaintance. The
bride's family, too, may not wish to incur the trouble and
expense of entertaining so large a company.
No one should feel hurt at not being invited to a wedding
reception unless it be a general one. Where cards are issued
for a church wedding, however, they are usually sent to all
the acquaintance of the bride and groom, and those who do
not receive cards have a right to feel themselves slighted.
Still, it must always be remembered that such a slight may
be the result of an oversight and not of intention, especially
where the invitations are directed, as they often are, by a
hired amanuensis.
Where there is reason to believe that the church will be
overcrowded, cards of admission to it are sometimes issued.
They are often worded thus :
4n,
unutcrt,
at Jtvewf c c/ocn.
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 161
It seems opposed to the spirit of Christianity, to treat a
church as if it were a private house and to refuse admission
to all but a favored few. But of two evils, one must choose
the least ; and it would hardly be fair that the general public
should so crowd the sacred building as to leave little and
insufficient room for the real wedding guests.
An English authority says " the bridesmaids may be from
two to twelve in number ; " but in this country they rarely
if ever exceed six or eight. They should be chosen from
among the sisters and other near relatives of the bride and
groom, and from the bride's intimate friends. According to
the present fashion they are often dressed in picturesque,
even quaint costumes, sometimes wearing bonnets or hats,
sometimes with short veils, etc. They should always wear
very light colors, or white. It would seem superfluous to say
that a bridesmaid should never be a married woman, were it
not a fact that married women have acted in this capacity
in our own far West, and perhaps elsewhere where single
women are " scarcer " than they are in Massachusetts.
Groomsmen are never seen at modern weddings. Their
place is usurped by " the best man," who " supports " the
bridegroom much after the fashion of a second in a peaceful
duel. He is usually an intimate friend or near relative of the
groom. His duties are to accompany the latter to church,
to stand by him before and during the ceremony, to hold
his hat, fee the clergyman, and to assist the ushers in pre-
senting guests at the wedding reception. In short, his part
is exactly the opposite of that played by Captain Cuttle at the
celebrated Bunsby wedding ; for he, to all outward appear-
ance, uses his best efforts to keep up the sinking courage of
the groom, and never urges the latter to run away, so far as
is known.
The bridegroom wears morning dress, as do all the gentle-
men at a wedding in the daytime. Fashion now decrees
11
162 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
that a dress-suit must be worn under no circumstances before
evening, or rather before late dinner, but it leaves the
bride quite free to wear full evening dress if she pleases,
which is certainly very illogical. The groom wears a frock-
coat, light trousers, and gloves if he prefers to do so. But
he must not wear either white gloves or a white necktie,
since these belong with evening dress only. He drives to
church with his best man, and waits for the bride at the
altar. If he is wise in his generation, however, he will re-
main in the vestry until the bride's arrival, since it is an
awkward and trying position for him, that of long waiting
at the chancel rail, and brides are sometimes late.
The ushers should be at the church in good season, to see
that everything is in order, and to conduct the wedding
guests to their seats as fast as they arrive. They are chosen
from the relatives and friends of the bride and groom. The
chief usher places a ribbon or arch of flowers across the
church at a distance from the altar which will include space
enough for all the invited guests. The relatives of the groom
are placed on the right of the altar, that is, next the bride-
groom ; and the bride's relatives sit on the left of the church,
that is, on the bride's left. It is important that the ushers, or
at all events the chief usher, should be acquainted with most
of the relatives and guests, so that they may all be seated in
their right places, the near relatives sitting nearest to the
altar. It is perfectly proper for an usher to ask whether a
lady is a relative of the bride or groom, as he cannot be ex-
pected to know every one of the relations by sight.
The mother of the bride comes in shortly before the bridal
cortege, of which she usually does not form a part. It is
better, if possible, to arrange this in the vestry rather than
keep the bridesmaids waiting in the vestibule for the bride,
who arrives last, accompanied by her father. When all is in
readiness the organ peals forth a wedding march, and the
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 163
ushers advance up the aisle in pairs, followed by the brides-
maids, also in pairs. Sometimes additional bridesmaids in
the shape of little children picturesquely dressed, strewing
flowers perhaps, follow or precede the others. Little boys
dressed as pages following the bride and holding her train
are one of the modern innovations. Last of all comes the
bride leaning on her father's arm.
"When the procession reaches the altar the ushers divide,
half of them turning to the right and half to the left ; the
bridesmaids do the same. The bridegroom then advances,
the bride being close to the altar, and taking her right hand,
leads her to her position before it. Here they both kneel,
that is, if the wedding takes place in the Episcopal Church.
In churches of other denominations they often do not kneel.
The clergyman then proceeds to read the marriage service.
When he asks the question, " Who giveth this woman to be
married to this man 1 " the father, who stands a little behind
the bride, usually gives his consent by bowing, instead of com-
ing forward and placing his daughter's hand in that of the
clergyman, as was formerly the custom. Having now ful-
filled his part of the ceremony, the father takes his place
beside the bride's mother in the front pew.
After the clergyman has pronounced the benediction he
may congratulate the newly-married pair ; but he does not
kiss the bride, as it was formerly the custom for him to do.
At the present day a wedding ring is used in almost all mar-
riage services. It should not be so large as to seem vulgar or
exaggerated, and is still the plain gold circlet, which seems to
befit the solemn ceremony better than the richest jewel. The
bride usually has the ring finger of her left-hand glove cut so
that it can be readily removed, much to the relief of the first
bridesmaid, who was expected in other days to pull off the
whole glove, and whose efforts to do so were often embarrass-
ing to all parties.
164 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Soft music may be discoursed if the bride desires it dur-
ing the marriage ceremony ; but to our thinking it sounds
too much like what Artemus Ward called "dying to slow
fiddling."
The organ breaks out with a triumphal peal, and the bridal
pair go down the aisle arm in arm, and leave the church as
quickly as possible, to escape the curious throng always so
eager to catch a glimpse of them, or rather of " her." They
are driven at once to the residence of the bride's parents.
The rest of the bridal procession leave the church in the
inverse order from that in which they entered it.
It will be seen from what has preceded that the bride
stands on the bridegroom's left. She takes also his left arm
when about to walk down the aisle. It is considered very
" bad form " for a bride to bow or smile to any one either
while entering or leaving the church ; but she is not obliged
to keep her eyes upon the ground if she prefers to " look
forward " instead.
The fashion of a bride's dress is so well known, and yet
changes so often in its details, that it would be useless to
speak of it save in general terms. The extravagance of to-
day robes brides in the most costly fabrics, with veils 01
point lace and diamond ornaments, instead of the white silk
dress, simply trimmed, and the tulle veil, that were formerly
the fashion. White is so appropriate to a bride, as well as
so becoming to almost all complexions, that it seems a pity
every bride should not wear it, even if her dress be of simple
white muslin. A tulle veil is softer and more becoming than
a lace one, as well as infinitely cheaper. The lace veil i.s
better suited, however, to certain people, especially to girls
who are somewhat stout, or who have rather large heads.
The extreme fulness of the tulle veil, and its dim outlines,
make the wearer look larger than she really is.
Orange-blossoms are always beautiful and appropriate for a
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 165
bride, but they are often difficult to procure ; hence other
natural flowers often take their place in the bridal costume.
Myrtle-leaves are emblematic of marriage, and are sometimes
worn by brides. Garlands of artificial flowers frequently
adorn a bridal robe.
In the days of good Queen Bess, brides wore their hair
flowing over their shoulders. Ben Jonson says :
"See how she paceth forth in virgin white,
Like what she was, the daughter of a duke,
And sister, darting forth a dazzling light,
On all that came her simplesse to rebuke !
Her tresses trim her back,
As she did lack
Nought of a maiden queen,
With modesty so crowned and adoration seen."
In the Roman Catholic Church a bride is not allowed to
wear a decollete* costume if the wedding takes place in
church.
After the ceremony at church is over, the best man, or two
of the ushers, hurry to the residence of the bride's parents,
to be in readiness to receive the bride and groom.
At the wedding reception half of the bridesmaids stand
near the bride and half near the groom. The ushers stay
near the door of the drawing-room and escort the guests, as
fast as they arrive, to the bridal party, presenting them by
name, first to the bride and groom and then to the parents.
It is also the ushers' duty to see that ladies who have no
gentlemen with them are provided with refreshments. It is
now fashionable to hold morning receptions by gas or candle
light instead of by daylight.
After an hour and a half or more, the bride retires to put
on her travelling-dress ; usually only the intimate friends
remain to see the bridal couple drive off and to wish them
Godspeed. Rice and old shoes are thrown after the retreat-
166 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
ing carriage ; but these missiles should not be aimed with too
great accuracy, as accidents have sometimes occurred from
breaking the windows or frightening the horses.
A bride does not usually dance at her own wedding, but
she may join in a square dance if she wishes.
It is not usual now to show the wedding presents on the
day of the marriage, as this custom was found, a few years
since, to lead to a parade and display which were of very
questionable taste. Sometimes the presents are privately
shown to the intimate friends a few days beforehand. Wed-
ding gifts themselves have changed in character, and the
bride is no longer overwhelmed with articles of silver some
of which are useful and others decidedly superfluous. There
are now so many beautiful things in glass, china, bronze, etc. ;
so many objets d'art and delightful bric-a-brac for the buyer
to choose from, that the wedding guest need be at no loss to
select some suitable and charming gift, even if his means
should be quite limited. Pictures, fine engravings, rare or
handsomely illustrated books, mantel clocks and ornaments,
lamps of artistic design, jewelry of course, handsome articles
of furniture, such as chairs or writing-desks, all these and
many more are suitable for wedding gifts. Intimate friends
and relatives often give money or silverware, or, if they like,
some articles for the trousseau. If gifts are marked at all, it
should always be with the bride's maiden name or initials.
Wedding-cake is not sent out as it used to be. It is piled
up in boxes on a table at the reception, and each guest takes,
let us hope, not more than one box.
Some brides prefer to be married in a travelling-dress and
bonnet (usually of dark handsome silk or velvet material),
and to leave at once without any reception. For a wedding
of this sort cards may be issued to all the friends for the
ceremony at the church, or the marriage may be celebrated
very quietly, with only a few witnesses.
THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 167
A wedding at home is usually more informal than a church
wedding. The clergyman enters and faces the company,
then the bridal pair enter together and stand facing him.
An altar of flowers is sometimes arranged, behind which the
clergyman stands, with a cushion or stool in front for the
bridal couple to kneel on. After the ceremony is over they
turn round in their places and receive the congratulations of
their friends, but only those who are very near and dear
are permitted to kiss the bride. The old-fashioned custom
which allowed every one to do so, is now abandoned, as it
deserved to be.
There are usually neither bridesmaids nor groomsmen at a
home wedding. Sometimes all the guests are invited to the
ceremony and sometimes relatives only are bidden to it, other
friends being invited to attend the reception, which takes
place half an hour later. A disadvantage of the latter plan
is that in case the marriage is delayed through any circum-
stance, the reception guests will begin to arrive before the
ceremony is over.
A widow should never wear at her second marriage either
bridal veil, orange-blossoms, or white attire. She usually
wears either a light-colored silk or a travelling-dress and
bonnet. Unless she should be very young, it would seem
in better taste that her wedding should be rather a quiet
one.
A bride may drop her middle name and retain her family
name if she prefers to do so. Fashion now favors this course,
and a widow marrying again often retains the name of the
first husband as a middle name where there are children of
the first marriage living, as serving to show her relationship
to them.
Where cards are sent out after a wedding they should give
the residence of the newly-married couple, so that their friends
may know where to call upon them.
168 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Very often they hold one or two receptions soon after the
marriage, or the bride issues cards for one or more of the
afternoon occasions now so much in vogue. The refresh-
ments for these may be very simple and inexpensive, tea and
coffee or chocolate, cake, and sandwiches, being amply suffi-
cient. Bouillon or punch makes a good addition in cold
weather.
It is especially important, where a bride goes to live in a
new city, that she should, where it is possible and her hus-
band's means allow, thus introduce herself to his friends.
JTewly-married people are not, however, expected to enter-
tain extensively. On the contrary, entertainments are made
for them, and every one who has been asked to the wedding
should if possible invite the bridal pair in the course of the
ensuing season. As has been said elsewhere, brides should
be careful to return promptly the calls made upon them, es-
pecially if they go to reside in another city ; otherwise they
often give deep offence to people who have perhaps made a
special effort to call upon them, from motives of kindness
and hospitality, because they were strangers in the land.
CHAPTER XVIII.
MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS AND ENGLISH WEDDING
BREAKFASTS.
MARRIAGE engagements, as all the world knows, are made
in this country by the young people themselves, and very
seldom by their parents. Managing mammas or match-
making friends may contrive ways and means to bring a
young couple together; but these outside influences are ex-
erted indirectly, and the main actors in the drama are almost
without exception the two parties directly interested.
A certain inconvenience sometimes results from this " Amer-
ican plan ; " as, for instance, where two families who differ
much from each other in their tastes, views, and habits
suddenly find themselves on the verge of an unlooked-for
and undesired connection through the threatened union of
two of their members. "We do not in these days " have it
out "like the Capulets and Montagues ; but we sometimes
feel very much as they did, and look daggers if we don't
draw them.
Under these circumstances, much depends upon our Ro-
ineos and Juliets ; and if they are wise they will endeavor to
smooth out matters (without resorting to the apothecary),
and to soften the hearts of the obdurate parents. Juliet
should remember that Borneo's parents may have had other
and more ambitious views for their only son. Instead of
feeling anger at their disappointment, she should try to change
170 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
it to a pleasant one by making herself as agreeable to them
as she can. Unless they are very obdurate or worldly people
she will be apt to succeed, because she has a powerful ally
under their own roof in the person of their son.
The elder Montagues and Capulets also should endeavor
to modify their transports of wrath, unless in cases where
they feel very sure that the proposed marriage would not be a
happy one, or where there is some very serious objection to
Eomeo or Juliet. A little time ought to be given them to
recover from their surprise, to make inquiries perhaps, and
to determine what course they will pursue. But let it not be
a half-way course. The fiancee of a son ought to be cordially
received by her future father-in-law and mother-in-law, and
a young girl's intended should be treated with kindness and
courtesy by her relatives. Otherwise ill feeling is engendered
which often will not be wiped out for two or three generations.
To be treated with coldness or half-concealed contempt, espe-
cially under such circumstances, is a blow to their pride which
most people do not readily forgive. A parent may be par-
doned if he hesitates to give his consent to the marriage of a
favorite child with a person about whom he knows little or
feels uncertain. But his consent once given should be given
freely and cordially.
A new and pleasant custom has arisen by which a young
lady writes to all her intimate friends and tells them that
her engagement will be announced on such and such a day,
of course a very near one. On that day accordingly her
friends all call upon her and she holds a pleasant and
informal reception.
Many of her friends send her flowers; and all who have
heard from her should call, or send her a congratulatory note.
If she is popular in society she will be invited to dinners,
evening parties, etc., given in honor of her fiance and herself.
A solitaire diamond is still the most fashionable engagement
MARRIAGE ENGAGEMENTS. 171
ring, though no young lady should expect or even wish to re-
ceive such an one where she knows that her lover's means are
too limited to justify his making such an expensive present.
Very strict people say that a young man should make an
offer of marriage to a young lady nowhere but under her
father's roof. To most of us this seems overstrained ; but he
should certainly never make such an offer when the young
lady is a guest in his own house.
Many fathers and mothers allow young people who are
engaged to do pretty much as they please ; but the world is so
censorious, that a young girl will do well to observe the strict
rules of etiquette on the subject. The parents of her fiance
may be very punctilious people, and she ought not to do
anything to give them cause of offence.
According to the rules of etiquette a young lady cannot
travel alone with the young man to whom she is engaged,
nor stay at the same hotel with him, nor go to theatres, con-
certs, and parties alone with him. Fifty years ago brides
did not leave the house except after dark after the invi-
tations to the marriage were sent out. But public opinion no
longer demands this unhealthy and absurd seclusion. Many
young ladies, however, do not accept any invitations after
their wedding cards have been issued.
A young lady at the sea-shore greatly shocked public opin-
ion by going down to the surf beach and bathing on the
morning of her wedding day.
The arrival of the wedding presents is always a signal for
great interest and excitement in the household ; but, strange
to say, brides often forget or neglect to write and thank the
donors. This is a very grave oversight, and makes the young
lady appear very ungrateful. She should always write and
thank each person who has sent her a present, either before
the wedding or as soon after as possible.
172 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Wedding breakfasts after the English fashion are some-
times given in this country, but are not very common.
They may be either " sit-down" or "stand-up" affairs. The
latter are less formal, and do not so severely limit the number
of guests as the former necessarily must. At a stand-up
breakfast small tables are arranged on one side of the room
for the bridal party, while a long table occupies the centre.
The gentlemen help the ladies and themselves, and the menu
is much the same as at a sit-down breakfast, save that hot
entrees are not provided/
Those who are invited to a wedding breakfast answer
promptly, just as they would in the case of a dinner invitation.
Ladies do not remove their bonnets. When breakfast is
announced, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the
dining-room or other apartment where the collation is served.
They are followed by the bride's father with the bride-
groom's mother, the bridegroom's father with the bride's
mother, the best man with the first bridesmaid, and tho
other bridesmaids with the gentlemen who are appointed to
take them down.
At a "sit-down" breakfast the host or hostess informs each
gentleman which lady he is to take down, and presents him
to her, where they are not already acquainted. The bride
and bridegroom sit at the head of the table or at the centre
of one of the sides. Next to the bride sits her father with
the bridegroom's mother, and next to the bridegroom comes
the bride's mother with the bridegroom's father. The brides-
maids with the gentlemen who have taken them down
divide themselves into two groups, one group sitting on
each side of the table next the parents. This is the rule
where the bridal couple occupy the head of the table ; when
they are seated at the side, the bridesmaids sit opposite
to them, each sitting at the right hand of her attendant
cavalier.
ENGLISH WEDDING BREAKFASTS. 173
The menu usually comprises soup, hot and cold entrees
chickens, game, salads, pdte de foie gras, jellies, creams, etc.
Tea and coffee are not served, champagne and other wines
taking their places. The sweets and fruit are placed on the
table. The servants hand all the dishes in due course, and
all the wines. Finger-glasses and doilies are not used at
an English wedding breakfast, but dinner napkins always
are.
After the more substantial courses have been partaken of,
the bride cuts the cake ; though she is not expected to do
more than make the first incision, and the real cutting up is
done by a servant at the side table. The cake is then
handed to all the guests, and every one eats at least a frag-
ment. English wedding-cake is covered with a very de-
licious frosting strongly flavored with almonds and of a
rather soft consistency.
The health of the bride and bridegroom is proposed by
the oldest friend of the family.
The bridegroom responds in behalf of his wife and himself,
and proposes the health of the bridesmaids. The best man
returns thanks for the bridesmaids.
The health of the bride's father and mother is usually
proposed by the bridegroom's father. The bride's father
returns thanks and proposes the health of the bridegroom's
parents. The bridegroom's father acknowledges the compli-
ment. The speeches are usually made as short as possible ;
but even with this precaution they are apt to be tedious and
stiff, and the fashion of making them is not likely to take
root in America. The bride leaves the dining-room to put
on her travelling-dress as soon as the healths have been
drunk. Gentlemen accompany the ladies to the drawing-
room, and do not stay behind to take wine.
At an English wedding the bridegroom always provides
the carriage in which he and the bride drive from church
174 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and again drive away after the wedding breakfast. White
favors and bouquets deck the horses, coachman, and footman.
There are neither ushers nor groomsmen at an English wed-
ding. The sexton of the church and the pew-opener officiate
instead.
CHAPTEE XIX.
THE CHAPERONE.
" YOUNG people think that old people are fools, but old
people know that young people are fools," says the rather
sour old adage.
When we are in the heyday of youth, full of spirits and
gayety, and believing implicitly in the virtue and good in-
tentions of every one around us, the institution of chaperon-
age seems to us a very odious and unnecessary restraint on our
liberty. Alas, how different does the whole subject look when
viewed through the spectacles of a more mature age ! The
belief in universal virtue has long since vanished, with other
early illusions. Not only do we feel that mankind in general
will bear watching, but most of us have grown a shade more
worldly as well as a shade less hopeful with advancing years.
[We believe that chaperones are very necessary to guard young
girls from bad and designing people, and from penniless young
men and rash romantic marriages as well. Hence arises, as
usual, a hopeless discrepancy between the viexjs of youth and
those of age.
Many American mothers, it is true, do not believe in a
very strict chaperonage ; at least, no such belief can be in-
ferred from their actions. They allow their daughters to do
very much as they please, to go about where and as they
like, and in short " to hold the whip hand " generally. Some-
times this is the result of indolence or good-nature on the
176 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
mother's part, and sometimes it comes from a conscientious
belief that it is best for young people to have their own
sweet will. *
And so it was, perhaps, in the days when we were a young
and simple people, living principally in small communities
where every one knew every one else. What may be quite
permissible in a village is out of place in a large city ; the
Joneses and the Browns, who have lived next door to one
another all their lives, and who know each other inti-
mately, may safely allow their young people more freedom of
intercourse than the mother of a city belle could grant to her
daughter, surrounded by a host of admirers about whom she
knows little or nothing beyond the fact that they appear like
gentlemen/
I The old American way of putting young people on their
honor, and taking it for granted that they would do every-
thing that was right, certainly implied a much nobler view
of human nature than the French system, for instance, which
must have a very curious effect on the minds of the young.
What a terribly wicked place the world must seem to a
young French girl, since her relatives consider it necessary to
shut her up from its evil influences behind the bars of a con-
vent ! How she must weary at times of the dull, monotonous
life prescribed for her by the good nuns, and long for the
arrangement of the marriage which will set her free from
durance vile, and give her a chance to become part and parcel
of that dreadful world, to make up by plenty of gayety for
the long, tiresome years of dreary routine ! Her freedom
begins where that of the American girl ends. :
George Sand was brought up in a convent, and longed at
one time to become a religieuse. If she had been reared
in a more healthy and natural manner, and allowed to choose
her own helpmeet, might not these early and noble aspira-
tions have borne their proper fruit in life and character 1
THE CHAPERONE. 177
Might not the stormy and disastrous career of this woman of
genius have been mercifully averted ?
It would be very unjust to charge Frenchwomen in gen-
eral with possessing either the faults or the talents of their
famous sister ; but does she not furnish an extreme instance
of the folly and wickedness of the French system, a system
which culminates in " le mariage de convenance " 1 Of the
two extremes, surely the American system, which grants
young people liberty to do just as they please in almost
every instance, is the better one, at any rate for our people.
But we are not obliged to choose extremes, and the English
method offers a safe middle course, which our people are
gradually adopting. Americans now spend so much of their
time in Europe, and foreigners do us the honor of coming to
the United States in such large numbers, that our views on
social subjects cannot but be influenced in some degree by
theirs.
The chaperone may be said, therefore, to be slowly but
surely extending her sway in this country, and it is to be
hoped that she will make a good and unselfish use of her
power, j From a chaperone who is one in name only, some
young married woman who utterly neglects her charge and
devotes herself to her own amusement solely, from such
may Heaven deliver us ! A stationary chaperone is highly
desirable for a young lady ; not one devoid of the power of
motion, that is to say, but one who at balls and dances re-
mains always in the same place, or informs her charge when
she is about to change it, so that the latter may be able to
return to her without difficulty after every dance.
But a model chaperone needs many qualifications besides?
the one just mentioned. Indeed, the woman who can faith-
fully and efficiently perform all the duties involved in matron-
izing young ladies, must be very nearly an angel. Night
after night she is obliged to sit up till the small hours, watch-
12
178 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
ing the same everlasting round of the german, eating the same
indigestible supper, and talking the same wearisome small-
talk to other tired dowagers or elderly beaux, all longing to
be at home in their own comfortable beds.
"* She must not show fatigue nor look cross, no matter what
her feelings may be. It is a part of her duty to be entertain-
ing and agreeable, and thus form an attractive background,
as it were, to her young charge. A brilliant woman who is
also an amiable and unselfish one has great opportunities for
helping her young people to "have a- good time." Young
men like to talk to her) and she takes care to introduce them
to her daughters when they come up. If she has good spirits,
they are contagious to all around her, and her cleverness and
ready answers inspire and amuse $ie young people and put
them at their ease.
She must not, however, endeavor to shine too brightly,
lest she put out the lesser lights which it is her duty to tend
and brighten. Neither must she say sharp things nor en-
courage her daughters to do so. Young men are very much
afraid of clever girls who say sharp things; the mother's
knowledge of the world has taught her this, and she should
teach it to her children. If her daughters are neglected and
are not asked to dance, she must bear it like a Spartan ; nor
must she ever say disagreeable things about other girls who
are receiving more attention. She must endeavor to find
out what are the habits and character of the young men with
whom her daughters become acquainted, and she must as
far as possible nip any undesirable friendships in the bud.
At the same time she must not be harsh, severe, nor unjust,
lest she lose the confidence and affection of those under her
charge.
Even a model chaperone need not endure martyrdom until
every ball breaks up. It is " better form " as well as in-
finitely better for the health of all concerned to leave in
THE CHAPEKONE. 179
good season, and not to have the reputation of being always
among the very last to go away. A chaperone accompa^"/
nies those who are under her charge not only to balls
and parties, but to the theatre, the opera, to dinner-parties
and all evening occasions, and to all ruatin6es, receptions, and
other entertainments given in the daytime, unless they
are of a very informal character. To the races, coaching-
parties, yachting-parties, tennis-tournaments, etc., must the
long-sutfering matron go if her daughter does ; and she must
also go with the latter to pay visits. Even at home her
watch and ward must still be kept up, for according to strict
etiquette the chaperone must make a disagreeable third party
whenever the young ladies under her charge receive calls !
from gentlemen.
Against this last restraint, however, American girls rebel
vigorously, and with some justice. Mamma does well to sit
in the other parlor with her book or work and give the
young people a little freedom. Whether she remains in the
parlor or not, however, she must never go to bed until all
callers have left the house.
These very strict rules are modified somewhat after a young j
lady has been in society for a year or two, and as her youth
and inexperience pass away, the added years give her an
additional right to take care of herself. Still, even for a girl
who is no longer very young, it is not desirable to go much
into society alone, especially if she is handsome and attrac-
tive. Let her join forces with some young woman of her
own age if she has no chaperone to accompany her. An
elder sister sometimes matronizes one who is a good deal
younger, where the mother is either dead or unable to go
into society.
Where a family of daughters are left without either father
or mother, it is very desirable, indeed almost necessary, that
they should have an elderly cousin or some other woman of
180 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
mature years come to live with them, that she may give a
certain dignity to the household, and help them receive and
entertain their guests, even if she cannot accompany them
into society.
Young ladies who are engaged to be married need chaper-
ones quite as much as do other girls ; this subject has been
already treated in the chapter on engagements.
For travelling, especially for travelling in Europe, a
chaperone is highly desirable and indeed necessary, as the
international novel has made Americans understand very
clearly. In cities where it is considered highly improper for
young ladies to walk abroad, or indeed to go anywhere,
alone, what comfort can there be for a girl who has no ac-
companying matron to guard her from impertinence and
from insult 1 ? If she is at all sensitive she will stay
... the house pining for want of fresh air, and losing the
opportunity to see half the sights she longs to see, rather
rthan be stared at or spoken to in a disrespectful manner.
In America it is quite permissible for a young lady to ride
or drive with a young man in the day-time, provided a groom
or footman accompanies them. In other words, the groom is
the substitute on the road for the weary and long-suffering
matron. In driving, this is not so much of a boon, as no
matter how fast you drive you cannot shake him off ; but in
the saddle, a brisk trot or a sharp canter will leave James
at a judicious distance in the rear, especially if he has been
provided with a good, slow nag.
It is not according to etiquette that a young lady should
go to a party or return from one under the sole escort of a
young man, especially if she goes in a carriage. Where she
has no mother or other " resident matron " who can accom-
pany her to and from the evening's entertainment, she should
endeavor to make an arrangement with one or two other
young girls, so that they may hire the same carriage and go
THE CHAPERONE. 181
together. This is or was considered allowable in Boston,
where there are a number of old and well-known livery-stable
keepers who employ hack-drivers of the highest respectability.
But it is not allowable indeed, it would hardly be safe
to follow this custom in New York. A young girl in New f
York should never drive alone in a hack ; if she arrives at '
the depot alone and is unfortunate enough to have no one to
meet her (a most undesirable thing), she must take the cars
and express her trunk, as it would be very unsafe for her toj
take a hack at the station.
r~"It seems hardly necessary to say that a young lady must
taever go to a restaurant with a young man unless a chaper-
one accompanies them ; neither must she go on " excursions "
of any sort. Especially should she avoid the fascinations
and uncertainties of a sail-boat. If the boat be becalmed,
it may be hours before a lauding can be effected ; indeed,
a sailing-party is sometimes obliged to stay out all night.
Hence much unfavorable comment arises; and perhaps a
single careless act of this sort may be remembered spitefully
against a girl for many years. Especially will this be the
case if she is pretty and attractive, and if she has frank and
cordial manners. The plain woman and the woman of cold
heart and severe demeanor run little risk of censure ; but the
beautiful and charming girl is too often surrounded by a host
of detractors, envious people who are delighted to catch 1
up and magnify her every thoughtless word or act.
/'""The woman who possesses beauty, possesses what most of
her sex desire above all else ; but often she pays dearly for
this much-coveted gift of Nature. Slander and envy place
a thousand thorns in her path ; her own sex can seldom
forgive "the most beautiful." Wise Minerva and queenly
Juno could not forgive Venus ; and after three thousand
years the fair sex have still a root of envy lurking in their
hearts. 1
182 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
( Let us all remember, therefore, to guard against this fatal
weakness from which even goddesses were not exempt, and
to believe only a small fraction of the slander hovering in
the air, especially the slander directed against beautiful and
[attractive women.
I A woman of business, an artist or a physician, is not
usually thought to need a chaperone in our country. But if
she is at all young or pretty, it is very advisable for her to
take at least a companion of her own age with her, especially if
she is obliged to call upon shop-keepers, men of business, etc.
It would certainly seem as if her vocation should afford per-
fect protection to such a woman ; but practically it does not
always do so. There are some people of mean and base
spirit who will treat with profound respect the young lady
of wealth, since her patronage will increase their store of
dollars and cents, but whose civility is scanty toward the
woman who has her own way to make in the world. J
To do the tradesman justice, it is not the degree of the
wealth of the person with whom he has to do that alone
("Influences him. No ; he instinctively recognizes a rival, a
\ competitor, in the woman of business. There may be appar-
ently no possible danger that their interests will ever clash ;
but he is prepared for all possibilities, and he at once places
himself on the defensiveJ
Perhaps, too, he has been imposed upon by adventurers
and swindlers, and the remembrance thereof makes him cau-
tious, makes him bristle at the recollection of past wrongs
TTo his pocket. For all these reasons the business woman
' must not expect to be treated with the same courtesy that
ever follows the footsteps of her more fortunate sister. And
she must above all things avoid the pretty little airs and
graces, the charming ways which are so delightful in a parlor,
but which are utterly out of place, nay, even dangerous, in
the arena of daily struggle for bread and butter.]
THE CHAPE110NE. 183
She must remember that it is the fact that her calling
obliges her to make these visits which alone justifies her i$
doing so, and her manner should be serious, quiet, business^
like, in fact " impersonal " as far as it is possible to make
it so. While her dress may very properly be of handsome
materials, it should be quiet, plain, and severely lady-like.
It is never in good taste to wear showy, gaudy raiment when
walking in the public streets, and especially when on an
errand of business.
CHAPTEE XX.
CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. HINTS ON HOW TO AVOID
SOME OF ITS BESETTING DANGERS.
IN order to be an agreeable person in society, it is by no
means necessary to be a burning and a shining light therein.
On the contrary, the average man and woman (under one or
other of which heads most of us belong) are a thousand times
more agreeable if they don't try to shine. The art of effacing
one's self, as the French say, that is, of being quiet, of not
asserting one's own importance, is an art for whose culti-
vation (in others) people are always profoundly thankful.
Beware, then, of talking too much ; do not talk to show how
clever you are or how much you know, but rather to amuse
and entertain the person with whom your lot is cast for the
moment; or, better still, carry on your conversation with
him in such a way that you may be mutually benefited and
instructed, remembering always that your topic should not
be too serious for the occasion. A sermon would be out of
place in a ball-room.
In one of Balzac's stories a lady advises the hero not to
be too brilliant, and never to amuse the company too pal-
pably. " Que votre supe"riorite soit leonine," she says.
A good listener is better appreciated by nine people out of
ten, in this world of ours, than the most brilliant talker.
But in order to be a good listener, one must listen. Alas,
how hard that is sometimes when one is detained in the
clutches of those Ancient Mariners of society, the long-winded
CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 185
bores ! For the bore is usually long-winded, although the
existence of silent bores, especially among the very young,
cannot be denied. The silent bore is but half a bore, how-
ever ; he is a sort of albino of the species, and the world
calmly treads on his corns and his prejudices, ignores him,
and usually tolerates and forgives him.
Some people acquire the art of appearing to pay strict
attention to what is said to them, when their thoughts are
in reality a long way off ; but this is a very dangerous game
to play at. Your interlocutor is always liable suddenly to
put some question, your answer to which will be pretty sure
to betray that your mind has wandered to other pastures.
A gentleman who was a great favorite in society said lately
that when he Avauted to have his mind free to hear what the
couple next to him were saying, he would observe to the lady
with whom he was conversing, " What did you do to-day 1 "
Her naturally prolix answer gave him the needed time to
hear what his next-door neighbors were saying. Such a ruse
is only safe, however, for an accomplished habitue of society.
If you wish to be agreeable, avoid personal anecdotes
about yourself, your family, and friends, unless in talking to
those with whom you are really intimate. Remember that
to most people a story about yourself may be interesting, if
it is interesting per se ; otherwise it will not be.
" Mortify your own vanity if you don't want other people
to mortify it for you," would be an excellent social maxim.
Avoid vain repetitions in conversation as well as in more
serious matters. If you are in the habit of repeating the
same stories and relating the same experiences, you will run
great danger of repeating them to the same persons to whom
you have told them once before, nay, perhaps twice or even
three times before. I have known people who were in other
respects conscientious and reputable members of society, but
whose guilt on this dreadful question of repeating themselves
186 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
was too black to be in any way palliated or denied. When
Jones tells me for the fifteenth time how he rescued his uncle
from a watery grave in the Public Garden pond by means of
the head gardener's hay -rake, what are my feelings'? They
are too tumultuous to be put on paper, or rather they were.
From the third to the tenth time that he related that fear-
some tale, I used actually to wish his uncle had drowned
then and there. What are the lives of a whole generation of
Jones's uncles compared with my peace of mind 1 But now
I have become quite hardened ; I even help him out with
the story sometimes when he forgets a detail. Would /
could forget one single item of that wretched anecdote !
All this misery which vain repetition insures to weary listen-
ers might be avoided, however, certainly a great deal of it,
if the story-teller or the relater of his personal experiences
(the last-named is usually the most difficult to cure of his
bad habit) would observe a few simple rules. First, confine
your reminiscences to accounts of events that have recently
occurred ; in this way you will not be apt to forget to whom
you have or have not told them, although when in doubt
it is always a good plan to say, "Did I tell _ you about
so and so?"
A young man said not long ago that he thought he should
shoot the next person who asked him if he had seen the
A. T. Stewart collection ; that young man had my profound
sympathy. The rule spoken of above was suggested to me
by the conversation of a very brilliant woman, but a woman
who liked better to be agreeable than to talk about herself.
As she saw a great deal of people and tilings, she naturally
spoke of what she had seen and heard, of interesting and
quaint individuals whom she had met. But the events thus
related were almost invariably of recent occurrence, or else
they were stories about people whose names had already
occurred in the conversation, and stories that were not gen-
CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 187
erally known, perhaps about those old times that are so
old as to be new to the present generation.
Howells, in his "Indian Summer," makes his hero so
economical of topics that one would be spread out so as to
cover a number of different conversations in the course of
the day or evening. This is safe enough to do if you only
obey the second rule ; and that is, after airing your topic or
your story, or whatever it is, well and thoroughly, put it in
the bottom of a barrel, like the minister's sermons. After
five years, or certainly after ten years, you can safely bring
it out again. Even the newspapers tell us the same things
every ten years. They calculate that it takes about that
length of time for a new generation to grow up, and a new
generation needs to be told the old truths and the old stories.
Strict originality, of course, we cannot expect. Emerson says
that no thought is entirely original, but can be traced back
through generations of thinkers, ending with the archangels
perhaps.
We all know to our cost that jokes are immortal; or at
least that most of them date back to those champion wits
and thinkers, the ancient Greeks. But every now and then
society rises in its might and says it will have no more of a
certain joke, so it is temporarily buried, not cremated. A
joke cannot, in the nature of things, be cremated, since its
resurrection is only a matter of time.
It is of course a very nice question just how much or how
little to talk, and just what to say, on social occasions of
various sorts and sizes ; but it is a question in which a regard
for the feelings of others, a desire not only to enjoy one's
self but to have others enjoy themselves also, will be of the
greatest assistance. It is said by thorough horsemen that no
matter how skilful one may be in the saddle or on the box,
a man should never cease to watch his horse. Xo one can tell
at what moment the animal may play him a trick, become
188 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
suddenly frightened, or in some way call for the instant
tightening of the reins, with words of reassurance or com-
mand, as the case may be. Now that unruly member the
tongue needs to be held under just such close surveillance.
Conversation has been aptly likened to fencing. But in a
society that is truly polite, the guard which keeps the foil
from making any deadly thrust is never removed, even
though the combatants, if at all wary, are sure to be protected
by fencing-masks. In the face of the accomplished man of
the world it is not easy to read his thoughts. He does not
" wear his heart upon his sleeve, for daws to peck at."
Having spoken of the cruelty of those who tell always the
same tale, like the hand-organ, a word should be added as to
how their hearers should bear themselves under the torture.
This can best be done by citing the behavior under such
circumstances of a lady who is, and justly, a general favorite
wherever she goes. She listens quietly to the "same old
story," betraying neither by word nor deed that she has ever
heard it before. Above all, she does not interrupt the story-
teller, and set him right if he makes some mistake iu telling
his beloved anecdote. There is sometimes a great temptation
to interrupt a speaker where he makes a mistake; but
it is never polite to do so. If he is making a statement
of fact that is calculated to do injustice to somebody, or
that will be prejudicial to the truth, one may say politely,
after the other speaker has finished what he has to say,
that one differs from him, or that one has heard the story
otherwise; but where no question of principle is involved,
what does it matter whether Jones plays his tune straight
or with variations?
Remember that it is never polite, in general conversation,
to talk long upon a subject about which some of those pres-
ent know nothing. This is just as true whether your sub-
ject be an elevated one, or merely society sm nil-talk and
CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 189
gossip. Young people who belong to the same set and have
a great deal in common to talk about, will sometimes do this
thing thoughtlessly when one or two strangers are present.
They forget that, interesting as it may be to themselves to
hear about Tom's new dog-cart, or who danced the german,
and with whom, at the Snifkinses' the night before, such de-
tails cannot have the same charm to a young lady from
another city who has never seen Tom, and possibly never
even heard of the Snifkinses ! It is better even to talk about
the weather (blessed topic !) than to leave some one present
permanently out of the circle of conversation. What people
do to eke out dreadful gaps in conversation in California,
where the weather changes only two or three times a year,
no one has yet told us. It is to be presumed that they fall
back upon the game of Brag, and praise their ever-smiling
skies.
It goes without saying, that people should "sink the
shop " that is, not talk of their business or profession
in public. Yet any careful observer must have noticed that
as it is with morals so it is with manners. We may know
perfectly well that to do such and such a thing is a breach of
the social code ; but if we wish to very much, we are very
apt to do it. A young surgeon, not long since, very much
disgusted some ladies of his acquaintance by his bloodthirsty
(it seemed to them) encomiums upon surgery. " The knife,
the knife is the only thing!" he vehemently exclaimed.
And yet this young fellow belonged in what is technically
termed Good Society, belonged to a "good old family,"
had had a college education, and was in general extremely
polite !
It is well to avoid riding one's favorite hobby too much in
general society, though that would be a cruel rule which de-
nied all hobbies an entrance into the drawing-room. If
it were put at the foot of invitations, " No hobby-horses
190 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
allowed, " probably many more refusals would be sent in for
" talking-parties " than is now the case. If you cannot be
happy without your hobby, bring it with you, but keep
it concealed as much as possible, remembering that that is
a poor mind which can entertain only one subject.
Although it is often interesting and agreeable to hear peo-
ple talk about the books they have read, one should never
"cram" for any particular occasion, unless bien-entendu that
one is going to make a speech. A person who " crams " for
a dinner-party, or for a visit to the country, is pretty sure to
be found out. For in order to introduce the subject he
wishes into conversation, he has either got to " drag it in by
the head and ears," or else adopt some circuitous route,
some leading-up to the subject which will be apt to betray
the purpose of its bringing-in.
Curiously enough, this habit of cramming is sometimes in-
dulged in by those who least need its aid, by men of
literary attainment and good conversational powers. They
seem to forget that this special preparation destroys all the
sparkle, all the spontaneity of conversation which should
bubble up from the meeting of active minds just as the con-
tact with the air makes the champagne foam. Society always
finds this trait hard to forgive. Not only are the rest of the
company taken at an unfair advantage, but the little game
itself is a sort of deceit, and shows an undue desire to shine
on the part of the person who makes use of it. Another
habit to which society strongly objects is that of punning.
Of course an occasional pun can be forgiven; but constant
punning, in these days, is frowned upon by general consent.
It is true that the custom is a very ancient one, as old as
the times of the Greeks. It is true also that the great
Shakspeare indulged very lavishly in plays upon words, ac-
cording to the fashion of his day. I believe it was Foote who
said that no one objected to a pun but the man who could n't
CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 191
make one. He was naturally biassed in his views, however,
from the fact of his being personally an incorrigible punster.
The great objections to punning are that it breaks up the
thread of conversation, and wearies the mind by turning it
constantly into some new and unexpected channel. It is
necessarily an interruption ; and even agreeable interruptions
become tedious if repeated too often.
A few additional hints as to what should be avoided in
conversation will not perhaps be out of place here.
Beware of making jokes in general society. To the man
of literal mind a joke is entirely incomprehensible. An
elderly lady, who was completely destitute of all sense of the
ludicrous, remarked recently, apropos of Frank Stockton and
his delightful nonsense, " He will be sorry, when he grows
older, that he spent his time in writing such stuff ! "
Never make personal remarks or jokes. The latter are
very liable to be misunderstood, even when made with per-
fect good-nature. Especially is this the case with personal
jokes made in letters, where voice and gesture are lacking
to convey adequately the intention of jesting. One must
never ask a person's age, or call attention to his dress and
personal belongings.
Avoid stormy discussion in a mixed company, and, conse-
quently, avoid those subjects on which people are apt to feel
most strongly, and differ most widely, namely, politics and
religion. The anecdote of the Englishman who discussed
politics with a stranger in a stage, and who became so excited
that he knocked the head of his antagonist through the stage
window, is only a slight exaggeration of the scenes of excite-
ment which most of us have witnessed when politics were
under discussion.
A truly well-bred person will endeavor to change the theme
of conversation when he perceives that those with 'whom he
is conversing are becoming unduly excited.
192 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
An essential part of the art of conversation consists in the
ability to " draw out " others, and to , make them talk on the
topics with which they themselves are well acquainted, and
in which they are interested. This was a rule with Emerson,
as well as with other truly wise men and women. The wise
man is continually searching for more light ; and he knows
that from comparatively humble people, even from the me-
chanic or artisan, there is much that he can learn. There-
fore while he is quite willing to give light to others if
they desire it, and to impart information, he despises, as
unworthy of a great mind, that sort of conversation which
is indulged in merely to show off what a man knows,
in order that he may excite the admiration of those about
him.
It is surprising, therefore, to see the fatal mistake which
many persons of superficial accomplishments make, in en-
deavoring to display their little learning, when talking to a
man or woman of superior intelligence and solid acquire-
ments. They cannot resist the temptation to show what
they know, and are so blinded by their own vanity that they
do not see what folly they are guilty of ; nor do they per-
ceive that " out of their own mouths they are judged," their
loquacity betraying the narrow limits and the superficial
character of their attainments.
If such people would be content to talk about some sub-
ject with which they were thoroughly conversant, even if
it were a shop subject, they would find in the learned man
an interested listener. For though one should not as a rule
talk shop, it is permissible to do so to a person who is evi-
dently interested in the subject.
The pygmy who rashly tries his strength against the giant,
is guilty of a more noble fault, however, than the giant who,
without provocation, crushes the pygmy. The man who takes
pains constantly to make a display of what he knows to other
CONVERSATION IN SOCIETY. 193
pei-sons of decidedly inferior education and accomplishments,
is sadly wanting in magnanimity.
It is not in accordance with the spirit of our age to pay
empty and unmeaning compliments. In our self-assertive
day men do not praise their neighbors, and the old-fashioned
elaborate and flowery language of compliment has fallen into
disuse. This is scarcely to be regretted, for sincerity is al-
ways good, even the sincerity of selfishness. Besides, the
moment that selfishness ceases to masquerade under the garb
of hypocrisy, its true character is at once made known, and
being made known, will ere long be corrected.
That young men still say pretty things to young and
charming women is not to be denied ; but our belles will
not tolerate compliments unless they are well turned, and, in
appearance at least, sincere ; nor will they allow a fond youth
to repeat the same pretty speech to half a dozen girls. In
the delightful moments of confidence and retrospection with
which young ladies indulge themselves after a ball, the youth
who has said the same thing to all of them is severely con-
demned by the fair conclave, amid peals of silvery laughter.
It is not polite to express doubts of a story, even if many
large fishes are introduced into the tale ; neither is it polite
to criticise or find fault with pictures, bric-a-brac, etc., which
are displayed for your admiration. " I wish," said a clever
woman, " that I could borrow that sweet smile of 's.
He never praises what he does not admire, but he smiles so
benignly, that he satisfies people just as well as if he broke
out into the most extravagant encomiums."
The man or woman who can say sharp and witty things is
usually unpopular ; the world fears more than it likes such
a person. Where a man possesses the delightful faculty of
being witty and amusing, and of saying bright things that
are neither unkind nor satirical, he is, of course, the prince
of good fellows, as he deserves to be.
13
194 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Of gossip and slander it is, let us hope, needless to speak.
It is as ill-bred as it is unchristian to indulge in them ;
and the present renaissance of learning (I refer to the epi-
demic of reading-classes, literary clubs, etc., now so preva-
lent in our cities, towns, and villages), if it accomplishes no
other good, at least vastly diminishes the tendency to gossip
about one's neighbors.
CHAPTER XXI.
ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT.
" THY speech bewrayeth thee," said the Jewish damsel to
Simon Peter. How often do we see people who have with
painful effort acquired all the social graces and even a certain
elegance of manner, but who still betray by the misuse of a
single letter it may be the defects of their early education !
It is in vain for the woman who says " kep " instead of " kept"
to have armorial bearings emblazoned all over her plate, and
a whole gallery filled with the portraits of her ancestors.
That one little letter t, with which all her wealth cannot
supply her, settles her former social status in spite of her
many protestations.
The wisdom of all ages has recognized this traitor-quality
of voice and language. ^Esop sets it forth in his fable of the
Ass in the Lion's skin ; and the old fairy story tells us how
the good girl was known by the roses and pearls that fell
from her lips, while vipers and toads betrayed the vixenish
heart of her unkind sister. The modern saying has it that
a fool may pass for a wise man if he only knows enough to
keep his mouth shut.
People are not on their guard as to their manner of speech ;
their own ears are so accustomed to it that it makes little
impression on them. If phonographs were as common as
looking-glasses, we might be as watchful of how we talk as
we now are of how we look. A keen observer can judge of
196 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
a man's age, character, manners, and morals, by the sound of
his voice alone.
The proper cultivation of the voice is of very great impor-
tance, especially for Americans. " Whether it is the climate
or the 'abits," we undoubtedly have a tendency to speak in
harsh nasal tones as the candid foreigner takes sincere pleas-
ure in informing us. Proper cultivation and use of the voice
not only increase its beauty, but prevent its becoming thin
and cracked with age, and add greatly to a person's health
and strength. You will hear women of forty speak, whose
voices are thin and worn because they have never used them
properly ; while other women of threescore and ten or even
more years speak Avith round, full, strong tones that are
delightful and refreshing to hear.
Public speaking, singing, acting, are all healthful pursuits
in spite of the late hours they involve. Even reading aloud
is said to be an excellent preservative of the voice. Probably
nothing is worse for it than scolding in a high key, or than
the deplorable habit, so prevalent in some houses, of " yelling "
up and down stairs.
Children should be trained not to pitch their voices too
high ; indeed, every one should speak in chest tones, and not
from the head and throat. A successful school-teacher said
to the writer, " If children are inclined to be unruly and
troublesome, don't raise your voice and scream at them, but
drop it ; speak lower and not higher." If you speak loud
and high, it shows that you yourself are excited ; but if you
speak in a low, firm tone, you show that you command your-
self and mean to command others. In " Daniel Deronda,"
Gwendolen's hateful husband speaks in a low voice of re-
pressed power whenever he means to be especially disagree-
able, and the high-strung, spirited woman feels obliged to
submit to his tyrannical mandates, soft-spoken though
they be.
ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 197
A clever man who was very attentive to a beautiful but
not very intellectual woman, was once asked what great charm
he found in Miss , and whether her conversation was not
very dull. " Oh, no ! " he replied ; " she does n't say any-
thing that is very startling, but I like so much to hear her
talk. When she tells me that she had bread and butter for
luncheon, she pronounces ' bread ' and ' butter ' in such a
charming way that it is truly delightful ! "
There are certain words which seem predestined to martyr-
dom, so persistently are they mispronounced and abused.
Take for instance the word " gentleman ; " certainly it does
not seem very difficult to pronounce in the right way, that is,
just as it is spelled. But many people make a curious mum-
ble in the middle of it, so that it sounds much like " gemp-
man " or " gehempman " or " genelman." The man who
aspires to be a gentleman should be very careful to pronounce
his own title distinctly. The abbreviation " gents " is never
used by people of education. Another very common but
less damning error is to omit the n sound in government,
and to pronounce it " goverment." Even well-educated
people make this mistake through carelessness.
A distinct utterance and the careful enunciation of every
letter when pronouncing a word are of .the greatest impor-
tance. One should not be slovenly in speech any more than
in dress, handwriting, or any other detail of the conduct of
life. It is not necessary to speak loiicl in order to speak
clearly. A soft, low, and gentle voice we hold to be " an ex-
cellent thing in woman," as much as Shakspeare did. But
beware of a woman with a voice that is ever soft ! Often
she is very sweet-tempered, but you will find her to be of no
soft will, and as hard to move as adamant, from any determi-
nation she has once formed.
Some women who speak with soft and pleasant voices mar
what would otherwise be the perfect whole of their speech,
198 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
by a peculiar indistinctness of utterance, which conveys to
the by-stander the impression that their mouths are full of
pudding. This is a more agreeable extreme than the sharp,
hard, nasal tones of many Yankees ; but it savors of affec-
tation, and makes conversation difficult and one-sided. Such
an enunciation pretty, but hard to understand is like
the much-abused English hand-writing popular with many
ladies. A letter written in the extremity of this style is
very pretty and interesting, unless you happen to wish to
read it!
The general tendency of Americans is toward distinct,
although it may be unmusical utterance. We do not slur
and abbreviate names as much as the English do, and our
tendency to pronounce all there is of a proper name is
sometimes carried too far. When a brakeman screams out
"Green wich, Nor wich, Brans wick," the polite ears
of the passengers are deeply offended. " Grinnidge, Norridge,
Bruns'ick," have become the standard and recognized mispro-
nunciations originated by our British brethren, who seem to
have a special dislike to the letter w as well as to the letter h.
Berwick, they pronounce Berrick ; St. John (used as a proper
name), Sinjun ; Gower, Gore ; Salisbury, Salzbury ; Cockburn,
Coburn ; Cowper, Couper, the w taking the sound of u ;
Brougham, Broum ; Pontefract, Pomfret ; Geoghegau, Gay-
gan ; Belvoir, Bever ; Beauchamp, Seacham, etc.
Other instances of names whose spelling and pronunciation
are at deadly feud with each other are too well known,
perhaps, to need mention, " Cholmondeley " and " Marjori-
banks," which look so stately in print, but whose owners must
be addressed as plain " Chumley " and " Marchbanks ; " " Cav-
endish," which is pronounced " Candish," etc. Less known
than these, and more singular than any, is the name of a
certain family in Virginia who spell their name " Enroughty "
and pronounce it " Darby."
ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 199
While Americans are justly proud of the comparative free-
dom from dialects which distinguishes our great country,
they still love to poke a little fun at one another on account
of slight local differences in accent and speech. The New
Englander smiles at the "spoon," "av'noo," "chick'n," etc.
of " N'Yawk," and thinks it is utterly foolish to flatten the
a in bath, last, dance, etc.
The New Yorker responds by pointing out the evident
absurdity of calling coat " coat " (wherein he is right) and
the great advantage of saying " dawg " as he does, rather than
"dSg," as we do (wherein he is wrong). And the inhabi-
tants of both sections of country agree in wondering at the
folly of "Westerners, with their wonderfully rolled r's, and
of Southerners, with their "paws " and " maws " and various
negroidal peculiarities of dialect.
Now that the English accent has become so fashionable,
the New Yorker is endeavoring rapidly to broaden his a'*,
while the Bostonian strives to shake off the nasal quality of
his tone, and to dwell a little longer on his words. Thus
are two hostile factions peacefully united in their loving imi-
tations of a third party !
" English as she is spoke " by well-bred Englishmen them-
selves is certainly a very charming tongue, and much more
poetical than our American version; but the imitations of
English speech that are becoming so current here have the
pinchbeck quality of all counterfeits. In the first place,
they seem affected ; and affectation is a form of insincerity
which may be very innocent, but is almost universally dis-
liked. In the second place, imitation is a sign of weakness
in nations and in individuals.
Emerson says that nations are great and vigorous while
they are occupied with their own affairs. The following
passage from one of his essays might be read with advantage
by the dudish youth of to-day. " The young men in America
200 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
at this moment take little thought of what men in England
are thinking or doing. That is the point which decides the
welfare of a people ; which way does it look ? If to any
other people, it is not well with them. If occupied in its
own affairs and thoughts and men, with a heat which ex-
cludes almost the notice of any other people, as the Jews,
the Greeks, the Persians, the Romans, the Arabians, the
French, the English, at their best times have done, they
are sublime ; and we know that in this abstraction they are
executing excellent work."
Herodotus says : " The Persians are of all nations most
ready to adopt foreign customs ; for they wear the Medic
costume, thinking it handsomer than their own ; and in war
they use the Egyptian cuirass. And they practise all kinds
of indulgences with which they become acquainted." How
little these imitative and rather foppish Persians were able to
withstand the Greeks, every schoolboy knows.
All of which is respectfully submitted for the consideration
of the grand army of returned Anglo-Ameiicans who have
with so much difficulty learned the trick of a new speech,
and very imperfectly, after all their trouble. It is not possi-
ble for us, with our nervous organization and quickness of
thought and action, to speak with the graceful slowness
(sometimes called drawl) which distinguishes the elder, slower,
more mature branch of our race. A kitten might as well
attempt to imitate the gait of an old and very respectable
tortoise.
Englishmen have a way of dwelling lovingly upon their
words, which is very pretty to hear. Even ugly words be-
come attractive from the caress of their speech. I once heard
an Englishman of some literary note pronounce "vulture" in
such soft lingering accents, with so long a dwelling upon the
first syllable, and such a soft liquid sound of the I, that the
odious bird of prey seemed for the moment transfigured into
ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 201
an amiable and poetic animal. Even the curt monosyllables
"yes" and "no" the Briton contrives to make of a respecta-
ble length by judiciously hissing the s and adding a w sound
to the no.
That dreadful vulgarism perpetrated by some Americans of
saying " yeah " for yes, cannot be too severely condemned.
Not only is the mispronunciation hateful, but it creates con-
fusion by making " yes " sound too much like " no." The
negative and affirmative in our modern languages are of very
different sound in order to avoid any possible mistake.
We could not now tolerate " yea " and " nay," because they
sound too much alike.
Another unpleasant abbreviation is that of " gen'ally " for
generally. Some people find it very difficult to pronounce
th before s, and say "clo'es" and "mon's" instead of "clothes"
and " months." Others drop the h after w, saying " w'ite "
and "w'en" for "white" and "when." This suppression
of the letter h is also characteristic of the speech of a certain
class of Englishmen, as all the world knows. Why Ameri-
cans do not also add the h in the wrong place, like their
cockney brethren, is a puzzle to the learned, and students of
language have brought forth various theories to account for
this curious fact.
The elision of the g final in such words as " going, saying,
doing," etc., is not often heard now in the speech of educated
people ; but twenty years ago there were still a number of
elderly persons who never thought of saying aught but "goin',
doin', sayin'," etc. The shortening of the o in " stone " is an
ugly but common mistake ; still worse is the childish error
of adding r to words ending in a vowel sound, as " idear,
saw?*," etc.
When it comes to the pronunciation of foreign words, one
is treading on dangerous ground ; it is better not to quote
from other languages unless one is familiar with them, and
202 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
knows them by sound as well as by sight. Even then, quo-
tations should be sparingly used, as it is in very bad taste to
interlard one's discourse constantly with French or German
words ; neither is it now the fashion to do so.
To quote Latin, and get the quantities, genders, and cases
wrong, seems a needless barbarity toward a poor language
that is already dead. And with anglicized Greek and Latin
words it is a poor plan to venture on a plural unless you
have sufficient grounds for supposing it to be the right one.
Thus people who wish to be especially correct will carefully
say " memorandas," every time, in a way calculated to make
Harkness, Allen, Greenough, and the rest writhe with torture
and surprise. Memorandum is now an English word; and
though educated people generally use the Latin plural, memo-
randa, it is quite allowable simply to make the plural like
that of any other English word. A woman who wished to
be extremely exact in her conversation said lately to a friend,
" You can telegraw if you wish to ! "
It is a safe rule not to follow every new wind of doctrine
in pronunciation, as in other matters. Often it is raised by
some one who has a very imperfect knowledge of the subject,
and by following his lead a person often appears ridiculous,
and reveals, perhaps, the defects of early education as well
as an over-ambition to speak " in the newest manner and the
politest fashion." Whereas if one pronounces a word in the
ordinary or old-fashioned manner, attention is not specially
drawn to it.
Thus it is rather amusing to hear a country dressmaker
speak of a " polonay " in a mildly corrective tone, which re-
bukes the ignorance of her customer for calling the garment
a "polonaise."
While nothing is quite as bad as coarseness and rudeness
of speech and language, there is still a sort of affectation, of
over-delicacy, and would-be precision, that is almost as bad.
ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 203
You will find these neither in the works of the best writers
nor in the mouths of the most refined and cultivated men
and women. They are the characteristics of people who
either have not had a liberal education or who have not
enjoyed the best social advantages.
The perpetual use of the word "limb" for "leg," and
" retire " for " go to bed," are familiar instances of this over-
delicacy. " He fell and sustained a fracture of the limb "
is an absurd and needlessly vague way of intimating that a
man broke his leg; and while it is perfectly proper and
correct to use the form "retire" occasionally, yet the con-
stant eschewing of the plain old English phrase seems both
affected and prudish.
The over-precision of which I have spoken can perhaps
best be denned by calling it grammar-school precision ; since
it is of a kind found often among grammar-school teachers
and graduates, and suggestive of this degree of education
rather than of a higher. A seamstress of peculiar "refine-
ment," of whom a lady had ordered a set of nightgowns, sent
in her bill for the making of so many " bed-dresses." The
expressions " lady friend " and " gentleman friend " have
been so persistently held up to deserved scorn by the " New
York World," that we may hope their fate is sealed. The
use of the word " female " for woman is rapidly going out of
fashion, as it deserves. It is inelegant, and very derogatory
to one half of mankind.
"Newspaper English" often amazes us with its persistent
affectations, and with its constant and absurd use of certain
pet phrases which are evidently deemed by the writer to be
extremely elegant. Thus, according to some newspapers, no
events of moment ever take place or happen ; they always
"transpire." Neither does any citizen live or dwell any-
where ; he always " resides." It goes without saying that
these remarks do not apply to the editorial pages of first-class
204 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
papers. " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing," here as
elsewhere. As a remedy for over-formality, I would suggest
copious doses of " our best writers " and strict attention to
the language of our best speakers.
A lady was reading a manuscript production aloud to a
friend, when the latter exclaimed in horror, " You must alter
that and that!" "If you had seen the manuscript, you
would have known that both those expressions were quoted,"
was the reply. " One was from Carlyle and one from
Emerson."
Where people of imperfect early education have supple-
mented it later in life by a course of reading, the effect on their
pronunciation is sometimes very curious. They know the
words by sight but not by sound, and will call them " out of
their names " in a very funny way. Children who have not
been well trained in reading aloud fall into the same errors.
Hence it is very important for pronunciation, as well as for
the voice, to drill young people thoroughly and long in read-
ing and speaking. A bright boy of thirteen, who was very
fond of books and could spell more than ordinarily well,
ceased to attend the reading-class at his school because his
parents thought it needless for him to do so any longer. But
when they heard that boy say " hummid " for " humid,"
" delic'acy " for " del'icacy," they sent him back to his class
in very short order. A course of Webster's Unabridged will
undoubtedly cure these defects, if the patient has the courage
to take it.
Only the State and its rulers .have the right to coin
money ; and only the kings of language have the right to coin
new words. They, the great writers and thinkers, may do it,
for they do it intelligently, and will not abuse their privilege
by debasing the coinage or overcrowding it ; but that every
newspaper writer should be allowed to make new words and
scatter them broadcast over the country is simply barbarous.
ON VOICE, LANGUAGE, AND ACCENT. 205
Allusion is not here made to slang (which is the necessary
concomitant of a living language, and not altogether a bad
thing in homoaopathic doses), but to such dreadful evolu-
tions of speech as " donate," " orate," " walkist," " residen-
tial," "disconcertion," etc. Occasionally these new words,
though barbarous, have the merit of filling a gap in the
language ; but oftener they are invented for the sake of
greater (?) elegance, or for their novelty. But when you
have the good Saxon words " give " and " speak," why
change them for such weak words of Latin derivation as
"donate" and "orate"?
It is a well-known rule, with few exceptions, that one
should choose words of Saxon rather than of Latin origin ;
but the grammar-school or affected style always takes the
Latin word. The person who uses it may perhaps be quite
innocent of knowing its derivation ; he likes it because it is
long, and has a learned sound.
It is well known that the greatest writers use the largest
number of different words, just as the uneducated man uses
the fewest. Sophocles, the Greek professor at Harvard, once
gave the writer a very interesting account of the different num-
ber of words used by persons of different grades of education ;
of all which I can only recall the fact that the smallest vocab-
ulary was limited to a few hundred words, and that of a
college graduate to a few thousand.
Shakspeare used more words than any one writer in the
English language, about fifteen thousand. Milton comes
next, but with a much smaller vocabulary.
One of the exceptions to the rule of using the Saxon word
in preference to the Latin is found in the word " folks."
It is now considered inelegant to use this word as applied to
a family or number of people ; indeed, those who are care-
ful in their speech do not use it save in the singular number
and in an historical connection, as in " folk-lore."
206 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
" How are all your folks?" certainly has a very barbarous
sound to ears polite. And yet it is hardly safe, in greeting a
friend whom one has not seen for some time, to ask for each
member of his family separately ; some one may have died or
gone crazy in the interim. But one can always say " How
are all your family ] " because it is a safe, noncommittal sort
of inquiry, and still it covers the ground.
In the words " waistcoat " and " trousers " we find the
world polite eschewing once more the French and Latin
equivalent expressions. " Pants " and " vest " are not used
by people who are careful in their speech, though they sanc-
tion the rather outlandish word " knickerbockers," as applied
to short " trousers " for little boys.
While it seems unnecessary to speak of slang as if those
who used it were monsters of iniquity, and guilty of the
seven deadly sins, still its habitual use is much to be depre-
cated both as inelegant and unmeaning. People use a slang
expression to save themselves the trouble of defining precisely
what they mean; hence they become inexact and slovenly
in thought and speech. " Awfully jolly," for instance, when
applied to everything, from a new style of bonnet to a surly
far-from-j oily-looking bull-terrier, ceases to have any meaning
at all, beyond the vague general commendation that it implies.
Another great objection to slang is, that it often has a second-
ary meaning, and people innocently use expressions of this
sort which they have picked up, without being at all aware
of the double-entendre implied in what they say.
CHAPTER XXTI.
GESTURES AND CARRIAGE.
THERE are no more crucial tests of good breeding than a
man's carriage, his way of moving, and the gestures which
he makes. The heroine in Julian Hawthorne's " Bressant "
says of a gentleman : " He was dressed like one ; not band-
boxy, but nicely and easily, and he stands and moves well."
You can tell a race-horse by his gait, and a gentleman by his
walk. Virgil uttered this same sentiment nearly two thou-
sand years ago, when he said of Juno, Incedo regina, "I
walk (or move) a queen."
After the lapse of all this time we have not found a better
phrase to express true queenly dignity. King Lear's " Ay,
every inch a king " voices much the same thought ; namely,
that majesty and high breeding are not shown by the face
alone, but by the carriage and attitude of the whole body.
It is said that Queen Victoria's bearing is very majestic and
imposing, despite her short stout figure.
From this it would appear that a commanding stature or
even a commanding figure is not essential to a dignified and
high-bred carriage. What then are the necessary elements
that go to its composition ? Are they not first, a proper
self-respect, second, the habit of good society, and third, a
perfect command over all the muscles 1
The second element is not always at command ; but the
first and third self-respect and a perfect control of one's
muscles ought to be within reach of most people.
208 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
It has been said that it is very difficult to stand erect in
the presence of a great man ; in other words, people are too
much inclined to truckle to those who hold power of one
sort or another, and in the effort to do homage to the great,
men barter their self-respect, and with it the upright bearing
of the body which ought to accompany an upright mind.
The awkwardness of movement and carriage that is simply
physical and muscular can be removed wholly or in part by
physical exercise ; those exercises are certainly best which use
all the muscles and develop them symmetrically. Dancing,
fencing, riding on horseback, skating, playing tennis, calis-
thenics, all are excellent for this purpose. Rowing or using
rowing-weights develops the muscles of the upper part of the
body and so tends to make a man top-heavy, unless he supple-
ments it with running or some other exercise which calls into
play the muscles of the lower limbs. Dio Lewis's system
of calisthenics, which is a modification, I believe, of a German
system, is very good for the purpose of which we are speak-
ing ; and as the calisthenics are not violent, they are well
adapted for girls and women.
Hiding on horseback is said to be one of the most perfect
forms of exercise, calling into use all the muscles of the body.
And yet Punch that excellent authority on manners and
morals speaks of a dismounted dragoon as bearing a strong
resemblance to a swan on a turnpike road ! Which only
proves that if one takes all his exercise on a horse's back,
one may forget how to walk well.
The sort of awkwardness that torments many people in the
society of others arises from an unhappy self-consciousness
which cramps the body as well as the mind. They take too
much thought as to how they are looking and how they are
moving ; hence all the ease of nature is lost, and they have
no adequate art with which to replace it. Emerson says :
" Nature is the best posture-master. An c'uvkward man is
GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 209
graceful when asleep, or when hard at work or agreeably
amused. The attitudes of children are gentle, persuasive,
royal, in their games and in their house-talk and in the street,
before they have learned to cringe."
If you can get one of these awkward, ungainly youths, to
whom society means utter constraint and misery, to forget
himself, and to think and talk about something that interests
him, you will find that he ceases to be all arms and legs,
elbows and knees, and becomes a reasonable, properly articu-
lated human being. Talk to him about his base-ball nine,
or his studies, or some subject for which he has an enthusiasm,
and if you can but succeed in drawing him out and in
making him think you too care for his hobby presto !
what a change will take place ! Instead of the ugly duckling
you have a cygnet.
I think this power of transformation, which belongs to the
accomplished society woman, one of her most delightful and
enviable possessions. What can be pleasanter than to be a
Circe of this kind 1 To be able to bring life and animation
into the trembling heart of the shy, to drive away the
nightmare of mauvaise honte, and to change an awkward
hobble-de-hoy into an Adonis, is a most desirable faculty.
For a young unmarried woman it may be a dangerous one.
If she is too sympathetic, she may make a deeper impression
than she intends, and one that the unhappy youth may retain
in his heart for many a day.
It is a bold saying of Emerson, that it is the want of
thought that makes people awkward. " Give me a thought,
and my hands and legs and voice and face will all go right.
And we are awkward for want of thought. The inspiration
is scanty, and does not arrive at the extremities." This
seems at first a startling hypothesis, and one calculated to
makes the famous Lord Chesterfield shiver in his genteel
grave. But the more one looks at it the more rational does
14
210 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
it appear. As the seer O A Concord goes on to demonstrate,
men of thought sometimes appear awkward in society be-
cause they are out of their usual element, and the conversation
probably turns on subjects unfamiliar and uninteresting to
them. If the company consists, however, of men and women
who are intellectual as well as elegant, behold, your timid
sage becomes an inspired lawgiver, and his gestures adapt
themselves to his new and natural mood.
If another argument were necessary to prove this saying,
would it not be found in the noble attitudes, commanding
and graceful, with which sculptors and painters in all times
have clothed their inspired figures, their men and women
who are filled with high thought and purpose 1 Do not we
ourselves, in our minds, always invest high thinkers with a
noble bearing ?
What people were ever such thinkers as the ancient Greeks,
and yet what people were ever so graceful in all their motions <
The well-known case of Demosthenes shows that they would
tolerate no inelegance of voice or gesture ; while the perfection
of their statues still gives the civilized world its highest ideal
of the poise and attitude of the human form divine.
Let the shy man, therefore, endeavor to have thoughts that
are worth something, and above all things let him keep his
thoughts, if possible, from dwelling on himself. Let him
remember that people are not thinking about him nearly as
much as he supposes, they are all too busy thinking about
themselves. Let him especially avoid nervous awkward
tricks playing with his cane or his hat or his watch-guard.
If he can once learn to sit perfectly still, he has done a great
thing, although he must beware of a repose that is too stiff,
and he must not look as if he had been frozen into one
special attitude. We Americans are too nervous and too
energetic to care to sit entirely quiet for more than a very
short time ; and yet the ability to do so in company and
GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 211
malice prepense shows one has reached the high-water mark
of good breeding.
To move well, to be graceful and easy in manner while speak-
ing, either of these is far easier than to sit perfectly still and
yet to be free from all awkwardness. The grace of repose is far
harder of attainment than the grace of motion. Talleyrand
said of a great statesman, "He is imposing in his own repose."
Lord Bacon said, " Men's behavior should be like their apparel,
not too straight or point device, but free for exercise or motion."
Goethe, in his " Wilhelm Meister," thus admirably defines
the carriage of a person of good breeding :
"A well-bred carriage is difficult to imitate, for in strictness
it is negative; and it implies a long-continued previous train-
ing. You are not required to exhibit in your manner anything
that specially betokens dignity; for by this means you are like
to run into formality and haughtiness ; you are rather to avoid
whatever is undignified and vulgar. You are never to forget
yourself; are to keep a constant watch upon yourself and
others ; to forgive nothing that is faulty in your own conduct,
in that of others neither to forgive too little nor too much.
Nothing must appear to touch you, nothing to agitate ; you
must never overhaste yourself, must ever keep yourself com-
posed, retaining still an outward calmness whatever storms
may rage within. The noble character at certain moments
may resign himself to his emotions; the well-bred never.
The latter is like a man dressed out in fair and spotless
clothes ; he will not lean on anything ; every person will be-
ware of rubbing on him. He distinguishes himself from
others, yet he may not stand apart ; for as in all arts, so in
this, the hardest must at length be done with ease ; the well-
bred man of rank, in spite of every separation, always seems
united with the people round him ; he is never to be stiff or
uncomplying ; he is always to appear the first, and never to
insist on so appearing.
212 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
" It is clear, then, that to seem well-bred a man must actu-
ally be so. It is also clear why women generally are more
expert at taking up the air of breeding than the other sex ;
why courtiers and soldiers catch it more easily than other
men."
These remarks Goethe puts into the mouth of one actor
who is advising another as to how best to play the courtier.
In our own day we see some very good counterfeit pre-
sentments of gentlemen on the stage, made by actors who
in many instances have had few advantages of early train-
ing. And is it not by thought and study that they succeed
in these representations'? Nevertheless, the imitation is
not quite perfect. I know a middle-aged gentleman in New
York an aristocrat by birth and breeding who dislikes
very much going to the theatre to see " society plays," be-
cause, he says, the actors and actresses so travesty the parts of
ladies and gentlemen ! This critic is a person of little imagi-
nation, as one might guess. It is said that Lester Wallack
wanted his actors to attend a performance given by amateurs
at the Union League Theatre, that they might get some
hints for their own carriage and demeanor upon the stage.
Affectations of carriage should be very carefully avoided by
those who wish to attain elegance of poise and motion. True,
they are sometimes used by well-bred people, but it is a
dangerous matter to try to counterfeit them. Like flourishes
in handwriting, they are always doubtful ornaments, and in-
tolerable unless supremely well done. The Grecian bend and
Alexandra limp seem very absurd as we look back upon them,
but there are affectations in vogue at the present day that are
quite as ridiculous. One of these is the custom for men
of carrying the elbows raised and slightly projected. No doubt
this curious fashion arises from the worship of the groom
and the stable, now so prevalent among young men of
fashion. It reminds one of the " elbows square, wrist
GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 213
pliant," of the stage-driving hero of " The Road to Ruin."
But besides that it is horsey, it is truculent as well, and
imparts a sort of defiant, arms-akimbo, fishwife expression,
that often contrasts widely and curiously with the mild
look on the countenance of the gentle dude who adopts
it. " Suit the action to the word, the word to the action,"
said Hamlet in his famous directions to the players ; and
the meaning, the language of gesture is a thing we do
not study half enough. The famous Frenchman Delsartes,
who, from a ragged street-boy, grew to be a great singer and
actor, crowned his life-work by a long and arduous study oi
gesture, of the language of the body. He studied in the
streets, the hospitals, the theatres, and even the battlefields,
and founded a system which has now many followers among
actors, artists, and others. Whatever one may think of the
Delsartian exercises, and they are said to impart flexibility
and grace, a symmetrical development to the body, the sub-
ject is one that is full of interest. One would hardly wish to
make a study of every motion ; but it is both agreeable and
useful to learn what construction such a careful thinker as
Delsartes has put upon different gestures ; nay more, to
learn what were the results of his long and laborious obser-
vation.
The bow of many fashionable youths is strongly objected
to by Delsartians, and with good reason. A short, sharp
bending at the hips, with no movement of the feet or knees,
the elbows curved outward, the chin poked forward, what
grace is there in a bow of this sort, or what respect does it
show ? It is a mere mockery of a bow, and full of self-asser-
tion. The bow should be made first by inclining the head ;
if you wish to show more respect (and certainly a movement
of the head alone can be but a nod, quick or slow), the in-
clination must extend to the shoulders, to the waist, even to
the whole body where you wish to show deep respect. But
214 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
to square back the shoulders like a prize-fighter, and suddenly
double yourself up as if you had received a blow in the
stomach, or as if you were made of two pieces of wood
hinged in the centre, surely this ought to be an abomina-
tion to gods and men !
No woman could be guilty of doing a thing in such
shockingly bad taste ; her intuitions would warn her against
it. It is only the reflecting male animal that makes such
gross mistakes of " deportment." Howells, in his " Indian
Summer," thus describes the modern bow: " The officer whom
Imogene had danced with brought her to Mrs. Bowen and
resigned her with the regulation bow, hanging his head down
before him as if submitting his neck to the axe."
To make a reverence ! How little that old expression has
in common with our modern bow ! True, it denoted a feudal
condition of things that would ill suit our times. We do not
" bow down " to idols in the shape of people of high rank,
as the world used to do ; at least, we say we don't.
According to the observations of Delsartes, the greater the
emotion, the more will it extend over the muscles, until at
last supreme emotion affects the whole body. Hence the
artist who painted a picture of despairing Hagar with square
shoulders, painted an artistic anomaly. In moments of
despair the whole body droops.
There is a way of moving the body from side to side in
walking, which some women use who ought to know better.
It is rather pretty, even though it savors of affectation, in
a brisk French nurse-maid ; but in the walk of a lady it
is wholly out of place. Sometimes this swinging motion is
made very slightly and very slowly. In this case it is less
objectionable only because there is less of it. Another ugly
trick is that of allowing the whole body to rise and fall with
every step, so that a man seems to be walking with his
shoulders quite as much as with his legs. This slouching
GESTURES AND CARRIAGE. 215
or jerky gait is to be seen in some children, and should cer-
tainly be corrected while their muscles are still young and
easy to bring under control.
Indeed, most people need to be trained to walk well just
as much as they do to ride, drive, or dance well. A mincing
gait is extremely disagreeable in a man, and will always make
him appear effeminate. In the same way women should
avoid a long striding walk, which makes them look ungrace-
ful and masculine. Very high-heeled shoes, especially where
the heel is placed very far forward on the sole, give the wearer
a tottering ugly gait that reminds the beholder of the Chinese
women, and their absurdly small feet. These shoes are also
said to be extremely injurious to health, because they throw
the body into an unnatural position.
A satirical writer thus commented on the fashionable gait
of the young men of his day : " In receiving the attentions of
a male acquaintance, remember to proportion your civility
to the depth of his neckcloth, the cleanness of his top-boots,
or the number of his seals. Take especial care likewise that
his toes are significantly turned inward in walking, as it is
meant to betray great skill in riding. '
The comments of the Baron de Mortemart Boisse, on the
postures assumed by Americans thirty years ago, are both
shrewd and naive : "A French dandy desiring to see the
beauties of New York, arrives and walks up Broadway
on a bright Sunday morning, looking at the windows of that
thoroughfare of which he has heard so much said. He sees
nothing but the boot-heels of the citizens of Broadway ; prov-
ing that the fashion in this country is to occupy the windows
with the feet and not with the head. These gentlemen
smoke their cigars and sit with their legs in the air and
their feet on the window-sash."
Tennis and other athletic exercises, now so much in favor
with young girls, no doubt assist greatly in producing a good
216 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
muscular development, although tennis is such violent exer-
cise that one cannot recommend women to make use of it,
except with a good deal of caution. It is said that the
habit of carrying burdens on the head produces the finest
carriage of the body, and gives also great freedom and elas-
ticity of movement. Certainly the free graceful walk of the
Italian peasant girls contrasts very favorably with the con-
strained gait of many American women tottering uncertainly
on their high heels.
CHAPTER XXIII.
INTRODUCTIONS.
WHEN shall we introduce our friends and acquaintances to
one another, and when shall we refrain from doing so ] This
is a difficult question to answer, especially at the present
moment, when the social world in our own country is divided
against itself with regard to this important subject. It may
be said that we are in a transition stage between the old
theory of general and frequent introductions and the new
one of non-introduction.
Old-fashioned people, and people who are of a cordial dis-
position, and dislike excessive formality and ceremony, favor
the old-school doctrine; while those who hold more rigid
views on the subject of making new acquaintances incline
strongly toward the new theories.
The tendency of the present time is certainly toward lessen-
ing the frequency of introductions, a tendency which many
people lament as lessening the cordiality and good-fellowship
of social gatherings. The modern doctrine is that no formal
introduction is necessary for those who meet under a friend's
roof ; that it is entirely proper for people to speak to one
another under such circumstances, thus avoiding the stiffness
of sitting silent, and also avoiding the serious drawback of
making any undesirable acquaintances.
All this sounds very fair : and then it is English, and that
is sufficient recommendation to many people. But in reality
218 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
it is a far from democratic doctrine, and has its origin, not
only in a desire to imitate British customs, but in a feeling
of exclusiveness that is rapidly increasing among a certain
class of people in our country. This class "views with
alarm " the great and growing army of nouveaux riches who
are springing up all around us. To the question, " Why have
not these new people as good a right in society so-called as
you have 1 " they have no adequate answer to give, save that
the " ins " always want to keep out the " outs." So they are
very glad to avail themselves of the polite fiction that it is
just as pleasant to talk to some one whose name you don't
know, and who does n't know yours, and whom you will
meet to-morrow as a perfect stranger, as it is to converse with
a person to whom you have "been duly presented, and with
whom you may, if agreeable to both parties, form a pleasant
acquaintanceship or perhaps a lasting friendship !
Just here some one will say, " The writer is full of old-
fashioned prejudice; " and, however little we may like the
new plan, certainly none of us would wish to force our
acquaintance on those who did not desire it.
An American who was travelling in England with his wife
received an unpleasant but amusing lesson on the subject of
which we are speaking. Happening to find themselves in
the same railway carriage with an English gentleman and his
wife, our American couple gradually fell into conversation
with the Britons, whom they found to be agreeable and
polite people. Both parties chanced to leave the train at the
same station, the English couple getting into a coronetted
carriage which was waiting for them, and the others content-
ing themselves with a plebeian cab. The American, a man
remarkable for his good- breeding and politeness, thought it
only civil to bow a farewell to the lady with whom he had
been conversing but a moment before. To his astonishment
and indignation the lady responded with a well-bred but
INTRODUCTIONS. 219
stony stare ! She no doubt regarded the salute as an over-
ture on the part of the American toward making her
acquaintance ; whereas he, in the simplicity of his republican
good manners, merely intended to bid her a courteous and
eternal farewell !
But let us here take up the subject of introductions in
greater detail. According to the new fashion, if two or three
or more visitors are all calling upon a lady at the same time,
she does not introduce them to one another, but endeavors to
divide her time and attention equally among them, and ex-
pects that they will assist her by talking together. It goes
without saying that many people do not pay any attention
to this rule, but adhere to the more cordial and older cus-
tom of introducing the different visitors to one another,
where their number is not too large. Of course where a
great many callers are present at the same time, at an after-
noon tea, for instance, or on a lady's regular reception-day,
the hostess would not then introduce all her visitors to one
another, because this would be awkward, as are all general
introductions.
At afternoon teas, kettledrums, etc., many hostesses do not
introduce at all, especially if no gentlemen are present ; where
there are, more introductions take place, since it is a less
formal and less solemn matter to present a gentleman to a
lady than to present two ladies to each other.
At houses where the hostess is more anxious that her
guests should have a good time than she is to preserve great
state and ceremony, she will make some introductions both on
afternoon and evening occasions. Of course she will exercise
this prerogative with tact and caution, taking care not to make
people acquainted where one or both parties might object to
the introduction, or where they would be mutually unsym-
pathetic, and would have no interests in common. She will
be especially careful about introducing two ladies who live in
220 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
the same city ; since there may be some special reason which
prevents their forming each other's acquaintance, and also
because such an acquaintance between dwellers in the same
city would not be a mere temporary affair, as it might be in
the case of people who lived at a great distance from one
another.
With strangers, a hostess will feel much more at liberty to
do as she pleases. The ancient traditions of hospitality to-
wards them are not yet forgotten ; and these dictate that not
only the lady of the house, but her friends also, shall wel-
come the stranger that is within her gates. Neither need she
stand so much on ceremony with young girls and men as
with married ladies and older gentlemen, although, to tell
the truth, it is in young men that she will be most apt to
meet with a want of breeding and courtesy, especially if she
wishes to introduce them to dancing partners. But where
a man is a dancing man and nothing more, where his sole
capital lies in his neels, perhaps he has a right to economize
the use of them.
However, it is clearly the duty of a hostess, at a ball or
dancing-party, to endeavor to provide her guests with part-
ners, and for that purpose she must either make introductions
herself or through the help of others. She must always ask
permission before presenting a gentleman to a lady, permis-
sion which should never be refused unless the lady has very
good and strong reasons for declining to make the gentle-
man's acquaintance. Young men often present each other to
young ladies, and it is entirely proper that they should do so
if they have first asked leave. A gentleman may also ask a
lady, if he know her well, to introduce him to another lady
when a proper opportunity shall occur. Of course he could
neither wish nor expect his friend to cross a crowded room
with him to make the introduction ; because she would
then be left to make a bad third, or else to retrace her way
INTRODUCTIONS. 221
alone. The situation would be awkward, except for one of
the ladies of the house.
Gentlemen do not ask for introductions to one another, be-
cause they do not generally wish to become acquainted, or if
one wishes to do so he very properly hesitates to force him-
self on the attention of another person, who may be unwilling
to know him. Ladies do not, under ordinary circumstances,
ask for introductions to one another, for reasons which will
be very readily understood from what has gone before. If
one lady does ask, however, the person to whom she applies
should find out before making the introduction whether it
will be agreeable to the other lady.
An exception to this rule, both for ladies and gentlemen,
is found in the case where they are invited especially to meet
some person. One not only has a right to ask to be presented
to the guest of the evening, but not to do so would often
show a lack of courtesy. At a very large gathering, or where
the honored guest is a person of distinction, one should not
be too forward about pressing one's claims, especially if the
guest be already talking with people of more importance, or
with those who might be more agreeable to him. Modesty
is usually a safe virtue to cultivate.
Another exception to the rule is found in cases where it is
evident, from the circumstances, that the hostess has omitted
the introduction, either from forgetfulness, or because she
supposes that the ladies already know each other. In this
case a lady might ask the hostess to make the introduction.
If a gentleman meets in the street two ladies, one of
whom he knows, and if he joins them, he should be pre-
sented to the lady whom he does not know, in order to
avoid awkwardness. But if he merely stopped a moment to
speak to a lady, she would not then introduce him to her
friend, unless she especially wished to do so, and had reason
to suppose that the introduction would be agreeable to both
222 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
parties. In all casual meetings in the street, in travelling, at
the theatre, etc., meetings, in short, on neutral ground,
and where there is no hostess, the rule should be not to
make undue haste to introduce people, but to do so when-
ever it is necessary to avoid awkwardness, or to avoid the
appearance of neglect or rudeness to the friend in whose
company one was at first.
Street introductions are much like what lawyers call street
opinions ; that is, they are easily given and do not amount
to much. A lawyer does not expect to be bound by a
" street opinion ; " nor need any one who does not wish to, be
bound by a casual introduction of this sort given as a matter
of form, and where no real acquaintanceship has been made
between the parties. As a lady, however, has the privilege
of bowing or not bowing to a gentleman so introduced to her,
he should, when he next meets her, give her an opportunity
of recognizing him in case she may wish to do so.
The form of double presentation, as "Mrs. A. Mrs. B.,
Mrs. B. Mrs. A.," has now gone out of fashion, which is a
pity on one account ; and that is, because it gave the intro-
ducer neutral ground to stand upon, and neither party could
complain because the other one's name had been spoken first.
Where Mrs. B. is of about the same age as Mrs. A., it would
be proper to avoid this difficulty as far as possible by saying,
" Mrs. A., this is Mrs. B.," and at the same time pronouncing
the two names with equal emphasis. Single ladies should be
presented to married ones, and younger ladies to older ones.
The formula, " Mrs. A., allow me to present Mrs. B.," is used
in formal presentations only ; but the name of the older or
more important person should be spoken first.
A well-known society belle and a very charming woman
was asked recently what her views were on the subject of
introductions. " I never make them when I can avoid doing
so/' she replied. " What would be the use 1 People do not
INTRODUCTIONS. 223
thank you for extending their circle of acquaintance ; of course
in the case of strangers it is a different matter. I should
introduce a stranger to any one whom I thought it would be
agreeable for him to know ; and I should do it with as little
formality as possible. For instance, I should perhaps say,
' Mr. Thompson, you know Mr. Great West, do you not ? '
or, ' Mr. Thompson, I want you to know Mr. Great West.'
I should not take one up to the other if I could avoid
doing so. If one gentleman joined me in the street while
I was walking with another, I should certainly not introduce
the former to the latter ; because he would have no business
to join me unless he knew the gentleman with whom I was
walking ; and I would not allow myself to be made a pre-
text by one man who sought the acquaintance of another."
In this little speech we have the key-note of the modern
theory, the avoidance of all formal presentations wherever
it is possible to avoid them.
When one lady has asked for an introduction to another,
of course it is proper to present the lady who has made the
request, to the lady whom she has expressed a desire to
know, if the latter consents to the introduction. Although
we have neither rank nor titles in this country, still we
accord the " pas " to men and women whose genius has won
them distinction, military, political, literary or artistic ; and
to such people those of lesser mark should be presented,
as a rule, always remembering that a lady must never be
presented to a gentleman, no matter how distinguished he
may be, the gentleman should always be presented to the
lady.
Many years ago, when Paul Morphy the chess-playez was at
the height of his fame, an entertainment was given for him
in Boston. The host, with more zeal than discretion, asked
a lady who was well known in Boston society if she would
not like to be presented to tho lion of the evening. " I should
224 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
be very happy," she replied, " to have Mr. Paul Morphy
presented to me, but I do not wish to be presented to him"
The distinction thus made was entirely correct, although it is
one which Americans sometimes forget in the national pas-
sion for lion-hunting. In presenting a gentleman to a lady
one may say, " Miss A., allow me to present [or to introduce]
Mr. B. ; " although, to tell the truth, little is usually heard
of the ceremony of introduction beyond the names. Even
these are sometimes ruthlessly massacred, or lost amid the
surrounding noise and confusion. One should always try to
pronounce names very distinctly in introducing people ; and
where one or both persons are well known on any account,
it is perhaps well to point this out in some way, by giving
the person's full name and title, for instance, as, " Miss Jones,
allow me to present Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes to you ; " or,
" Miss Jones, this is Dr. Murfree, the inventor of " etc.
Some celebrities who are of a modest turn of mind object
decidedly, however, to hearing their deeds or qualities re-
hearsed; how much more do the brothers, sisters, wives, and
daughters of distinguished people object to being placarded
with such a title as, " Sister of the Member from Missouri,"
for instance. There is nothing more exasperating than to go
through life as the brother of a great man ; it condemns
a man forever to a secondary place, and he feels, perhaps
keenly, that whatever lie can do to make an honorable name
for himself, that name will always seem as nothing in the
shadow of the greater one which eclipses it. How un-
pleasant it must be for the Marquis of Lome to be known
always as the brother-in-law of the Prince of Wales or the
son-in-law of Queen Victoria, instead of as the heir to one
of the oldest and most honorable titles of the British em-
pire, that of Duke of Argyle ! With the son or daughter
of a distinguished man the case is not as bad ; but still it is
not quite pleasant for either of them to have a person give a
INTRODUCTIONS. 225
look that plainly says, " Well, I should have liked to see your
father, but that does not make me glad to see you ! "
Should one shake hands with a person when introduced
to him ? It is our ordinary custom to do so in America, and
the custom is a pleasant and cordial one. Gentlemen always
shake hands when they are introduced to one another ; ladies
do so as a rule when they are introduced to other ladies ;
when gentlemen are presented to them, many ladies offer
their hands, especially if they are married, or no longer very
young. Young ladies often merely make a bow or a courtesy,
particularly if they know that they do so gracefully. Much
depends, of course, on the time and place where the introduc-
tion is made.
In the ball-room the latest and most elegant fashion is
simply for the lady to courtesy and the gentleman to bow ;
on less ceremonious occasions a lady would usually shake
hands. Where informal introductions are made, or intro-
ductions merely to prevent awkwardness, as in the case
of several callers meeting in a parlor, or in other chance
rencontres, no hand-shaking is necessary. Again, much will
depend upon whether the people who are made acquainted
with each other through an introduction are entire strangers,
or whether they already know something of one another by
report. Thus a lady would shake hands with a gentleman
who was a friend of her husband or brother, or of an intimate
friend of her own.
It is the lady's privilege to offer her hand first, as it is to
bow first ; but as in these matters, just as in duels, everything
happens quickly if not simultaneously, a lady should accept
a gentleman's hand if he offers it, to avoid awkwardness.
In her own house a lady should, in her capacity of hostess,
shake hands with those who are introduced to her as well as
with all her other guests, except in case of a large ball or
ceremonious reception, where, as has been said elsewhere,
15
226 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
she may merely receive them with a courtesy if she prefers
to do so. The custom of making general introductions
of introducing a new-comer to a whole roomful of people
has quite gone out of fashion, lingering only in quiet
country places. It is not to be regretted, since it sub-
jected a stranger to a most trying ordeal, in which he almost
invariably made a bow to the wrong person. It is now
usual, at a lunch or dinner, to present a stranger shortly
after his arrival to one or two persons, and afterward to
others, as circumstances permit.
CHAPTER XXIV.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
IN this age of universal travelling, letters of introduction
fly about as freely as commercial paper, and sometimes with
equally disastrous results. If one is going to England, the
Continent, or even to our own Pacific Coast, it is as necessary
to have these documents, in order to see anything of social
life, as it is to have a letter of credit to pay one's hotel bills.
Hence people importune their friends to give them letters,
and the friends, in a moment of weakness or carelessness,
write letters of introduction when they have really no right
to do so.
There are two points which should be very carefully con-
sidered before giving letters, and these are lirst, has one a
right to do so ; and second, will the introduction be agreeable
to both parties 1 To relatives, intimate friends, those whom
one has received and entertained in one's own house or
country, and to those who expressly give one leave to do so,
one may certainly send letters introducing other friends.
But because people have been polite and kind to us, be-
cause they have received and entertained us, this gives us
no right whatever to call for further favors from them. This
ought to be as clear as day, one would think ; and yet our
countrymen, misled probably by the cordiality of their Eng-
lish hosts, sometimes err in this respect.
Thus a distinguished American, Mr. , once met on his
own doorsteps the Englishman to whom he (Mr. ) was
228 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
bringing a letter of introduction. The latter read it, and
with true British rudeness tore it up before the face of the
bearer, saying, " This person has no right to send letters to
me ! " He added, however, with true British hospitality, that
he was exceedingly glad to make the distinguished man's
acquaintance for his own sake, and treated him with just as
much courtesy and consideration after that first dreadful
act as if he had brought the most powerful letters of
recommendation. Tt is when one meets with such little
contretemps as this, that one realizes the value of knowing
and obeying the laws of etiquette. The silken strands of
their network are usually invisible, and are so loosely drawn
that we feel no pressure from them ; but when they do come
to light, when they do become strained, we find they can cut
and gall very deeply.
Even where one has a right, however, to give letters of
introduction, one should use it very carefully, remembering
that their acceptance entails a hospitality that may be burden-
some to one's friend, and also that two people will not neces-
sarily be congenial to each other because they both happen
to be friends of a third person.
The most approved way to deliver a letter of introduction
is to leave it with one's card, not asking, however, to see the
person to whom it is addressed. This rule is not always
clearly understood in the United States. Two English
ladies who were staying in New York once came in their
carriage to leave a letter of introduction with their cards,
according to strict etiquette. The New York ladies to whom
the letter was addressed, responded very properly by calling
on the British dames and inviting them to lunch. What was
the horror of the latter, however, when their new acquaint-
ances, meaning to be particularly polite, said that they were
so very sorry not to have seen the English ladies when they
called ! Of course the English ladies had not intended mak-
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 229
ing any call beyond the formal card-leaving. On the Conti-
nent, where it is the custom for new-comers to call upon the
residents of a place first, this rule need not be observed.
The reason of the rule is very obvious. To deliver a letter
of introduction in person, and wait below while it is read,
like a tradesman with a bill or a servant with a recommenda-
tion, certainly does not put one in a very dignified position.
It also in a measure compels the recipient of the letter to
see you whether he wishes to do so or not. Where you wish
to see him on business, or when time presses, it is proper to
wait and see whether he will be able to receive you.
If a gentleman brings a letter of introduction to a lady,
he may also, if he pleases, send up his card and ask whether
it will be convenient for her to receive him. She will feel
less constrained to do so than she would in the case of a
feminine visitor; besides, there would here be no question
of which should call first, as there would be between two
ladies.
When one calls in acknowledgment of cards left with a
letter of introduction, it is necessary to go in if the lady or
gentleman, as the case may be, is at home. Nor are all
the duties of politeness incumbent on the person alone to
whom the letter is addressed. The person introduced should
also take great pains to receive " letter-visitors," when they
call upon him, with cordiality and politeness, instead of
imitating the conduct of one distinguished Euglishman in
this country, who took out of his pocket a list of people
to whom he had brought letters of introduction and ran
it over in the presence of his visitor, saying, " Smith, Smith,
Smith, let me see where that name is on my list ! "
While it is extremely desirable to be furnished with a
number of letters of introduction when one is about to go
to Europe, it is nevertheless highly indelicate to ask mere
acquaintances for these social passports. Not only would
230 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
this be asking a favor where one had no right to do so, but
it would also be putting the acquaintance in an awkward
dilemma. If he were good-natured he would not wish to
disoblige the person who had made the request; neither
would he wish to introduce to his friends some one about
whom he knew very little, and who might be extremely
uncongenial to them. It is rash to give letters unless to
people whom one knows well, or at least knows all about ;
and it is especially rash to give letters to foreigners, unless
they can " read their title clear " beyond any doubt or
peradventure.
Letters of introduction should always be left unsealed,
as a token that the bearer is at liberty to read them. Hence,
they should be brief, giving the full name and residence of the
person introduced, but avoiding a multitude of compliment-
ary phrases. A modest man will dislike to deliver a letter
containing a high-sounding panegyric on himself.
It is usually sufficient to say that Mr. C. T. Brooks of
Sheffield is a friend of the writer, that any attention which
it may be convenient to show him will be a personal favor,
and that one has no doubt the acquaintance thus begun
will be mutually agreeable to both parties. On receiving
such a letter one should call in a day, and the person in-
troduced should return the call quite promptly, say in
a week. It is also necessary to show a new acquaintance
whatever attentions are in one's power, to invite him to
dinner, enter his name at one's club, or at least take him to
the theatre, or show him about the city or place in which
one lives.
CHAPTER XXV.
LETTERS AND NOTES.
As the steel pen drove out its gentle brother the quill,
so it in turn is being driven out by the telegraph wire, the
type-writer, and the thousand other novel agencies which
are constantly springing up in our midst as if by magic.
People do not have time in this busy age to write letters,
in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The telegraph wire
is such a convenient medium for letting one's friends know
of one's well-being, that people of means do not hesitate to
use it daily, instead of writing to their families ; while for
business communications, the type-writer saves the busy man
from the drudgery of handling the pen. Probably the most
luxurious method is that of employing a stenographer to take
down the golden utterances of a merchant prince, whose
words, however worthless to posterity, have a momentous
market value altogether beyond the conception of a mere
outsider. As these great men speak, stocks nay, the fate
of nations rise and fall.
Steam is too slow a medium for conveying our thoughts
in these days. We feel about it much as Charles La:nb did
in regard to writing letters to his friend in Australia, letters
which would be many months old ere they could reach their
destination. With playful wit he shows the folly of send-
ing such communications, of exporting such stale news ; and
the modern world finds six days to be as long and tedious as
he found six months !
232 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Still, though we are too impatient either to write or read
the long and courtly letters of our grandparents' days, we do
write a great many notes of one sort and another, and in some
respects we are more critical about those we receive than
were our forefathers. We insist that our correspondents shall
spell correctly, that they shall write handsome or at least fair
hands, and that they shall write straight. In looking over
old manuscripts, one is struck with the school-boy appear-
ance of the chirography, and with the almost more than
school-boy quaintness of spelling. People certainly write
much better than they did fifty or a hundred years ago.
We have improved in the manner, if not in the matter of our
communications.
It has been said elsewhere in this volume that to use ruled
paper for writing invitations is considered very " bad form."
Ruled paper should be kept for business communications
only. Those who have not learned to write straight must
content themselves with using lines under their paper.
The forms and colors of note-paper are so constantly
changing and shifting, that it is hard to lay down any last-
ing rules in regard to styles. But it is always safe to
choose plain, substantial paper, either white or of some light
tint, and to avoid bright or striking colors, eccentric shapes,
etc. Perfectly plain thick white paper is preferred at the
present moment. French water-lined paper is not much in
favor now, but it is always allowable to use it for letters,
especially if it is white. For notes of invitation it is hardly
heavy enough, the thinness of the paper seeming to denote
a want of formality, an absence of starch, which these mis-
sives require. Rather small note-paper of the best quality
should be used for writing and answering invitations. Mono-
grams are little used now, although some persons still fancy
them. A lady's initials, copied from her own handwriting,
are sometimes placed diagonally across the left-hand corner
LETTERS AND NOTES. 233
of the sheet ; but the envelope must be perfectly plain. An
excellent and popular fashion is to have one's address in
colored letters, usually blue engraved at th3 head of one's
note-paper. The address and date should always be put
either at the beginning or at the end of a letter. For notes,
the latter is usually preferred. It is better, in dating, to use
both the day of the week and the day of the month, though
for a note the day of the week is sufficient. In a letter, the
date of the year is given ; in a note, it is not. The new
business method of dating, whereby the name of the month
is omitted and its number substituted, is surely a most
senseless innovation. "7 11 87" may mean either the
seventh day of the eleventh month, or the eleventh day of
the seventh mouth. At best, this mode gives people the
trouble of calculating the number of the month ; because
they do not always remember, unless they stop to think, that
October is the tenth month, and not the eighth, as its name
implies.
A commercial or clerk-like hand is not a desirable one to
cultivate ; not only does it smack too much of the counting-
room, but it is too precise and formal, too much lacking in
all originality and spontaneity. While every one should be
carefully trained to write a good hand handsome, even,
and legible he should be trained to write his own hand,
and not simply to imitate some one's else. It is sometimes
amusing to read the advertisements of certain wonderful sys-
tems of instruction in writing, and to note the specimens
written " before " and " after " instruction. To many of us
it would seem that a deterioration had taken place in the
latter, and a good honest individual handwriting, sometimes
a handsome one, changed to a meaningless scroll-bedecked
copperplate script.
Lord Chesterfield says in his letters to his son : "I do not
desire you to write a stiff, formal hand, like that of a school-
234 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
roaster, but a genteel, legible, and liberal character." Flour-
ishes in a signature, except for a writing-master or a really
great man, seem pretentious and out of place.
The extremely pointed English or Italian character, so
much in vogue a few years ago, is now less fashionable than
it was, which is surely a subject for thankfulness, as this spe-
cial variety of ladies' handwriting is exceedingly illegible.
Great care should always be taken to fold and direct a
letter neatly, and to put on the stamp evenly, in the proper
corner. Would that we could use stamped envelopes ! But
Dame Fashion excludes these from genteel correspondence,
because they are cheap, and perhaps seem careless. Fashion
is a very exacting task-mistress, and usually expects us to
choose the more difficult path, where two lie open In fold-
ing a letter, care should always be taken to fold it right
side up ; that is, so that the person who receives it shall
not have to turn it, after taking it out of the envelope, in
order to read it.
Sealing-wax, the use of which had almost died out in this
country, has taken a new hold on public favor, and among
the elegant appointments of a writing-desk, sealing-wax and
taper are now to be reckoned. No one should use wax
who cannot make an even, handsome, clearly-marked seal ;
because a slovenly one looks much worse than none.
A new method of writing is to write on the first and
fourth sides of a sheet, and then opening it, and turning it
the other way, to write across the third and second sides
continuously.
"My dear Mr. Lempriere," or "Dear Mr. Lempriere,"
which is the more formal 1 This is a question that is some-
times asked ; but whatever arguments may be used in favor
of either form of address in the abstract, ordinary custom, in
this country at least, has adopted " My dear Mr. " as
the usual form for beginning a letter : hence when the " My ''
LETTERS AND NOTES. 235
is dropped, greater familiarity is implied, because less cere-
mony is used. If one wishes to be still more formal, it is
very easy to be so.
. %/tn Jtaffant, OR
<7
I^WM deat <Jrt, OK
would be the proper way to begin a letter in such a case.
An excellent English authority says, "An unmarried lady
cannot address a gentleman as ' My dear Sir,' unless she is
very old, and he too. It should be ' Dear Sir.' " It is rather
difficult to say which is the more familiar of these two forms,
and the question which of them should be used seems of very
little importance, since both are decidedly formal. Formal
letters to clergymen begin " Reverend and dear Sir."
The signature should always include the full name, or the
last name with the initials. Nicknames, such as " Carrie,"
" Bessie," should never be signed to any letters save those
written to relatives or very intimate friends. An older lady
writing to a yoxinger one would not sign her Christian name,
but would sign herself " R. V. Bacon ; " the same signature
should be used in writing business letters, letters to servants,
etc. It is not considered allowable to sign one's name as
"Mrs. R. V. Bacon," or "Miss A. B. Bacon." If it is desirable
to let one's correspondent know by what title he is to address
one, it is very easily done by inserting this formula : " Please
address Mrs. R. V. Bacon." A woman of business once
signed her name thus : " (Miss) Brooks of Sheffield," and hor
236 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
correspondent, taking the " Miss " as a gentle bint, gallantly
answered her with an offer of marriage! The custom of
signing circulars or business communications with Miss
or Mrs. seems to be growing in public favor, neverthe-
less the form should be avoided wherever it is possible to
do so.
The signature should correspond with the tone of a letter.
" Yours with much regard," " With kind regards believe me
yours cordially," are friendly, but still somewhat ceremonious.
"Yours truly," " Yours very truly," " Sincerely yours," " Very
sincerely yours," " Faithfully yours," " Cordially yours,"
" Aff'ly yours," "Affectionately yours," this list shows a
sliding scale from most to least formal. "Yours respect-
fully " is only used for business letters, or in writing to a
superior either in age or position. " Yours truly," or
"Very truly yours" are also reserved for business letters.
" Your obedient servant " is much used in formal and busi-
ness letters, and is always dignified and courteous.
The old custom was to write to servants or tradespeople in
the third person. It is sometimes done now, but except for
a very short communication it is an undesirable form, because
awkward and indirect ; besides, it is undemocratic.
Abbreviations of words should not be used in writing :
such as " & " for " and," " wh " for " which," etc. So much
fun has been made of women's letters on account of their
frequent underlinings and inevitable postscripts, that it is not
necessary to dwell on these points. It certainly destroys all
the force of italics to use them constantly, besides giving a
letter a very school-girlish tone; and while a postscript is
very good for its proper purpose, that is, for adding something
which has been forgotten, it is certainly not the right place
to put the most important matter in the whole letter, as
if one were afraid or ashamed to speak "out until the last
moment.
LETTERS AND NOTES. 237
A letter should never be crossed. In these days when
note-paper and postage are both cheap it is inexcusable for
any one to write across the paper, thus trying to the utter-
most both the eyesight and patience of a friend. Figures
should not be used except in designating dates or giving the
number of a house and street.
A note written in the third person must of course never be
signed. Thus, to write
>
((t calf en Weewifde&zu, at
17
(^Mi . - 6 tfoie, an</ 6*/<sct a
would be simply barbarous. A note written in the third
person must so continue all through. "Mr. Smith accepts
with pleasure your kind invitation " is inadmissible. " Mr.
Smith accepts with pleasure Mrs. Brown's kind invitation,
etc.," would be a correct formula.
People who are in mourning generally use black-edged
note-paper, although some persons dislike and never use it.
All matters connected with mourning ought to be left to the
judgment and feelings of the mourner. It is cruel to en-
hance sorrow by binding it around with the silken serpent
of etiquette.
Where black-edged paper is used the border should vaiy
in depth according to the length of time the writer has been
in mourning, and the nearness of the relative mourned. Very
238 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
broad mourning borders certainly seem affected as well as
gloomy. The autograph letter of condolence which Queen
Victoria sent to Mrs. Lincoln when the President was assassi-
nated was written on note-paper with a black border nearly
an inch deep !
A letter to a married lady should always be directed with
her husband's name or initials, and not her own : thus, " Mrs.
James Nevins," or " Mrs. J. B. Nevins." One cannot write
" Mrs. Rev. Thomas Brookes," or " Mrs. Dr. Simeon Thomas."
It is proper, however, to write "Rev. and Mrs. Thomas
Brookes," or "Dr. and Mrs. Simeon Thomas." Of course
where the lady is a minister of the gospel in propria
persona, or a Doctor of Medicine, it is quite right to give
her her title, " Eev. Olympia Brown," or " Dr. Emma
News." In addressing a letter to a gentleman, custom pre-
scribes that " Esq." shall be added after his name unless he
has some other title, as "Dr.," "Rev.," etc. As "Esq." is a
matter of courtesy and not of right in this country, it is
better to omit it where one can without leaving the name
standing baldly alone. Thus " R. V. Rich, M. D.," " C. B.
Roe, Jr.," look better written without the " Esq. ; " some
people add it, however, and write "R. V. Rich, M. D., Esq.,"
and "C. B. Roe, Jr., Esq." In directing notes of invitation
" Mr." should be used, and not " Esq."
Although it has been mentioned elsewhere in this volume,
it is proper to repeat here that great care should be taken to
write numbers, dates, and proper names with distinctness.
In the case of ordinary words, the context will often furnish
some clew whereby they may be guessed ; but in the case
of a proper name perhaps one that is entirely unknown to
the recipient of the letter there is nothing to assist him
in deciphering it.
While it would not be fitting, in writing " the letter of the
period," to imitate the diffuseness of the classic letter-writers
LETTERS AND NOTES. 239
either of antiquity or of comparatively modern times, one
might with advantage copy their graceful Style, and take
from them many hints as to what should and what should
not find place in a letter that is meant to give pleasure.
Letters that are intended to annoy or irritate the recipient
angry letters would much better not be written, on every
one's account. The minute descriptions of Madame de
Sevigne", whereby she gave " airy nothings a local habita-
tion and a name," are still charming reading after two cen-
turies have elapsed ; but not even to a friend in the country
would one think now-a-days of elaborating trifles at such
length, even if one possessed the grace and imagination of
this celebrated letter-writer.
Terseness and that brevity which is the soul of wit are
essential to the composition of a modern epistle ; and if a
picture is to be drawn it must be photographed by the in-
stantaneous process, not slowly worked out with the graver's
tools. And yet, no brusqueness must find place in a letter.
One must be concise, but never curt. Few people can trust
themselves to write anything longer than a short note when
in great haste ; one is so apt, if not to make a mistake, at
least to say something carelessly, or to leave something un-
said which if said would very essentially modify the tone
and meaning of the whole. Especially is this the case where
one is writing anything personal ; great care should be taken
to express one's meaning clearly, and to remember that the
written word is so much more formal than the spoken word,
that what would be passed over as a jest in the latter seems
like reproof in the former. In fact, it is a very dangerous
matter to find fault with people on paper; misconceptions
so easily arise which in conversation would be set right iu
two minutes ; and the receiver of the letter is sure to imagine
that the writer means twice as much he says, and the former
therefore proportionately magnifies what is actually said.
240 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Hence, if one must write a fault-finding letter, it is only safe
to express about one fourth as much as one feels. Lawyers
say that the fondness of mankind for writing letters, and
getting themselves into no end of trouble by their folly in
so doing, is perfectly extraordinary. A conscientious lawyer
will beg and pray his client to cio anything rather than write
a letter. Litera scripta manet, as astute politicians and dip-
lomats well know. Avoid the pen as you would the Devil,
when you are angry ; and if you must commit follies, don't
put them down on paper.
If a letter is intended to give pleasure it must not be
simply an echo of the letter to which it is an answer. While
it is proper to make short comments on what has been written
to you, these are generally not of special interest to your
correspondent, who wants usually to hear about what is
going on at your end of the line, for lie knows already what
is happening at his own. Thus one receives some charmingly
written and gracefully expressed letters, which mean and say
absolutely nothing ! Egotism the other extreme is also
to be avoided in a letter, especially complaining egotism.
What a terrible warning are the letters of Jane Welsh Carlyle
against " growling on paper " ! And what a contrast to them
are the letters of the Carlyle-Emerson correspondence, where
the real nobility of thought and character of these two great
men stand out in such plain relief! How little did Mrs.
Carlyle imagine that the grumblings by which she occasion-
ally relieved her heart and temper were, after her death, to
prejudice many minds against the husband who truly and
deeply loved her ! How different might all have been if she
had told him frankly of her discontents, instead of writing
them to other people, for the world to gossip over in the
years to come !
The letters of the younger Pliny show a cheerful, amiable
disposition, giving us at the same time that innocent gossip
LETTERS AND NOTES. 241
in which the human mind ever delights, and many interesting
pictures of the manners of his day. He is not a bad model
for a correspondent, especially as his letters are not usually
long.
A letter should be cheerful in tone, and it should not be
written unless one has something to say. If a person is
obliged to write and has nothing to say, he should not go on
saying it for several pages.
A brief but courteous note is far pleasanter to receive than
a long-drawn-out letter over which the writer has labored
long and painfully. It is a good rule always to read over
letters before sending them. Copying is to be deprecated, as
it is apt to make letters stiff and formal.
One should be very careful not to write familiarly to peo-
ple whom one does not know well, to those who are much
older, or to people who hold a high position in the world.
A letter may be entirely courteous and dignified, and yet
not at all familiar. Indeed, it shows a want of self-respect
to attempt familiarity where one has no right to do so, and
where it may be resented. In writing to friends and inti-
mates it is of course proper to adopt a very different tone,
and not to offend them by what they would rightly con-
sider stiffness; though the same form of words might be
entirely proper and courteous if addressed to a comparative
stranger.
Jesting in letters is rather a dangerous matter, since such
jokes are often misunderstood, and being taken in earnest
often cause much annoyance and even unhappiness. It is
sometimes said of a person who is skilful in writing letters
whereof the tone is easy and conversational, " He writes just
as he speaks." A little observation, however, will generally
bring out the fact that the writer is possessed of the ars
celare art em, just as the realistic actor is ; the skilful letter-
writer has the art of making his letters appear as if they were
16
242 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
" frozen conversation," but the tinkling ice-crystals are not
the result of simple congelation : say, rather, they are the
work of a skilful confectioner, who can make his ice at
any time of year.
There should always be more formality in the written than
in the spoken word ; even the most familiar letter should be
worded and expressed with greater care, with more gram-
matical exactness, and with greater rhetorical precision, than
is called for in ordinary speech. It seems a much easier
thing to write a good letter than it really is ; just as the flow-
ing, easy, and graceful style of some authors impresses the
reader with the feeling that he himself, or any one, could
write like that ! But a brief trial will speedily convince him
that he cannot.
Slang should not find a place save in the most familiar
letters. Care also should be taken to avoid mixing up pro-
nouns, and making " he," " she," " it," etc., refer first to one
person or thing and then to another in the same sentence.
We need several new pronouns in English, as our language is
sadly deficient in them. The man who should successfully
invent or derive from classic tongues some new pronouns
would deserve the gratitude of the whole English-speaking
race. As a matter of fact, he would be sent either to a luna-
tic asylum or a dungeon cell. We can invent " dudes " and
discover planets, but the lost pronouns will never more be
found ! And yet to what subterfuges and circumlocutions is
the writer not driven for the want of an equivalent to " he,"
" him," etc., and for a singular form of " they " which should
be of common gender ! " John met Mr. J : he asked him
whether he would not go and take a drive in his new dog-
cart." But instances of this painful nature need not be cited,
as they are so common.
After making a visit at a friend's house one should always
write a note or letter acknowledging the kindness and hos-
LETTERS AND NOTES. 243
pitality of host or hostess. When answering even a familiar
note of invitation, one should be very careful to do so courte-
ously as well as promptly, wording the answer as much like
the invitation as possible. The day and for a dinner or
lunch the hour should be repeated, so as to be sure that
there is no mistake ; as for instance,
u. eMai ^/vi'M. fymet,
//
t( a
Jo t<uncn tvtW
/ naaf-/ifwt one c cwcn.
/stm mna ieaatok),
on
s
<^Viona<r// .
A written invitation must never receive a verbal answer,
but always a written one. To send an answer by word of
mouth, except where one has been invited in the same way,
is extremely impolite. One must never send a visiting card
with "regrets" written on it. To do so would be very " bad
form." Invitations must be answered on note-paper, and
not on visiting cards. The custom of writing " Present " or
244 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
" Addressed " on a letter which is to be delivered by a private
messenger is rapidly going out of fashion. The same is true
of the superscriptions " Kindness of Mr. Smith," " Favored
by Mr. Smith," etc. It suffices to direct such a letter to the
street and number only, omitting the name of the city or
town, or with the name of the gentleman's place, if he lives
in the country. Thus : Mrs. James Meredith, Beaulieu.
CHAPTER XXVI
ON DRESS.
THE wise physician does not take his own drugs, neither
do the wise and witty Frenchwomen follow their own
fashions, that is to say, they do not follow them to ex-
tremes, nor adhere to them with the martyr-like fidelity which
so strongly characterizes Americans. At last, however, our
countrywomen are beginning to think for themselves a little
in the matter of dress. Since it has grown to be fashionable
to dress becomingly and with a certain amount of individual-
ity, we have plucked up a little spirit, and have even signed
a sort of moderate and feeble declaration of independence
against our old enemies, French fashions and perfect unifor-
mity in dress. How well I remember a certain spring season
in my childhood when every woman between the ages of
twelve and forty wore a yellow straw-bonnet trimmed with
green ribbon on the outside and pink on the inside ! And
that autumn after Napoleon III.'s campaign in Italy, when
no respectable person thought of having her bonnet trimmed
with any other color than solferino or magenta ! Now, if
we come across a bit of one of these old and crude colors in
looking over some ancient store of scraps and pieces, how
we shudder ! We can hardly believe that " gentlewomen
wore such caps as these," or could have made themselves so
supremely ugly.
The study of dress is in these days an approved branch of
feminine education. It has never been wholly neglected,
246 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
only women have too often pursued it with their eyes shut,
and now they mean to keep them open, a very great
improvement.
The two chief points which a woman should always bear in
mind in regard to dress are first, is it appropriate ; sec-
ond, is it becoming? A lady should never be tempted to
wear a costume which is unsuitable to the occasion, merely
by the fact that she looks well in it ; because in so doing she
violates that harmony which is one of the first laws of art
(and nature alike. Instead of pleasing other people she will
J jar on their sense of fitness, and she will be apt also to render
herself conspicuous, and to appear to display unnecessary
\_vaiiity.
Dress should always be subordinate to the wearer ; for if a
human being is of any account at all, he is surely more im-
portant than his own clothes. Never dress in such a way,
therefore, that your clothes shall attract every one's attention,
as if you considered them of vastly more consequence than
\jpurself. We all remember the old Roman joke about " the
sword that was seen with a little man tied to it." We should
['dress to live, not live to dress." And yet some women will
spend their whole time and energy in devising and planning
what they shall wear, and wherewithal they shall be clothed,
as if they themselves, their own hearts and minds and bod-
ies, were of comparatively small importance beside the vast,
) never-ending subject of clothing !
Lord Chesterfield says, " The difference in dress between a
man and a fop is, that the fop values himself upon his dress ;
and the man of sense laughs at it at the same time that he
knows he must not neglect it."
What tremendous satire lies in Thackeray's caricature ot
Le Grand Monarque Louis XIV. ! First, we have the man
and his clothes combined ; second, we have the little old
king, looking small enough without his grand finery ; ami
ON DRESS. 247
third, there is the finery alone, enormous wig, great wide-
sleeved, long-skirted coat, and shoes with lofty heels. Really,
it looks almost as well without any one in it. It can " stand
alone " quite as well as some of the rich silk dresses that are
supposed to be able to do so. And if Thackeray is powerful
on this subject, what shall we say of the great master Carlyle
and his wonderful "Sartor Resartus," in which not the folly
alone of man's making a clothes-horse of himself, but the
folly and unworthiness of so many pursuits that go to make
up the sum of human life are portrayed with the author's
inimitable satire, from which pathos is never far distant !
Carlyle's laughter comes ever near to tears.
Whether Woman is behind Man in civilization because she
pays an attention to dress which he has long ago disused, or
whether her devotion to it is because man requires her to be
robed in gay attire, is a question which I shall not here enter
into. Suffice it to acknowledge that women are expected in
this age to pay more attention to dress than men do, and that
they are therefore justified in so doing within limits.
In determining whether a lady's dress is or is not appro-
priate, we must take into consideration not only the occasion
on which it is worn but the worldly means of the wearer. It
is decidedly inappropriate, and in very bad taste, to dress
more expensively than one can afford to do. No one thinks
better of you for doing so. The spiteful will laugh at you,
and the "judicious will grieve," to think that you have gone
to an expense which you could not afford, and for which
you may pay dearly in some way. Never ape the finery of
those who are much richer in worldly goods than you are ; of
great statues we have plaster casts, it is true, but a cheap copy
of a handsome dress is apt to be a wretched affair. There are
certain styles which look well in all materials, but these are
the exceptions. As a rule, what is appropriate in a silk dress
is not suitable for a calico, and vice versa. A cheap material,
248 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
especially if it be of woollen, and intended for every-day use,
should be trimmed very plainly. How often do we see in
the horse-cars (where enforced idleness gives one leisure for
the study of sumptuary laws) garments made of cheap, flimsy
dry-goods elaborately garnished with ruffles and "bias folds,"
poorly cut, and considerably the worse for wear, some light
color which shows every spot, adding to the general inappro-
priateness of the costume ! A dress should be made very
simply if it is expected to do service for a long time.
Elaborate trimmings soon grow shabby.
Another fatal error which some women make is that of
putting handsome, expensive trimming on cheap gowns. It
fairly makes one shudder to see iridescent beads on an ill-
fitting garment which cost twenty-five cents a yard ! How
much better would it have been to take the money spent
for these inappropriate gewgaws and to pay therewith for the
services of a good dressmaker ! Or if a woman is obliged
to do all her own sewing, let her save the time spent in
making deforming ruffles and expend it in learning to make
her dresses fit well. The result will be much more stylish
and more satisfactory in every way.
All scholars know the difficulty of translating a poem from
one language into another. To translate a Worth costume
meant to be worn at receptions and kettledrums into a home-
made gown intended for walking in muddy streets through
all weathers is just about as easy. A wise woman will not
attempt " to keep to the original metre " in such a case.
Oscar Wilde, who is a man of considerable parts, despite
his numerous follies and affectations, has written a very in-
teresting article, in which he points out how much thought
Shakspeare gave to the subject of dress, and what an impor-
tant part it has in the dramatic effect produced by his plays.
Many of the characters describe their own costume, although
the description is so skilfully interwoven with the rest of the
ON DRESS. 249
text that one does not think of it as a stage direction " what
to wear."
Of Juliet the article says, " A modern playwright would
probably have laid her out in her shroud, and made the scene
a scene of horror merely ; but Shakspeare arrays her in rich
and gorgeous raiment, whose loveliness makes the vault ' a
feasting presence full of light,' txirns the tomb into a bridal
chamber, and gives the cue and motive for Romeo's speech of
the triumph of Love over Life, and of Beauty over Death."
An inventory, still in existence, of the costume wardrobe
of a London theatre in Shakspeare's time contains a most
astonishing number and variety of garments of every sort,
including a robe " for to go invisibell," no doubt for the
ghost in Hamlet.
The Greeks, from whose school of taste and art what
modern nation can hope to graduate 1 the Greeks finished
their statues as perfectly behind as in front, even those which
were placed so high in the friezes of the temples that no one
could possibly see the reverse side. Women can well take
a hint from this many-sided perfection, and remember that
the effect of a costume should be studied in the rear and
in profile quite as much as in front.
The side view of a woman's face framed in one of the very
high bonnets of the present time is singular enough. A diag-
onal line drawn from the chin to the top of the topmost feather
represents the greatest diameter and what greatness ! ' Mean-
while the hair is absorbed and drawn up under this towering
finery, leaving the shortest diameter from the nape of the
neck across to the mouth wonderfully short.
Every woman who can possibly afford it should have a
cheval-glass, or at any rate a glass long enough to reflect
her whole figure from head to foot, otherwise she cannot
know with any certainty the true appearance of her costume.
This is specially necessary for people either much shorter or
250 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
much taller than the average height, since the result may
be very disastrous if they attempt to copy a style of dress
which looks well on some woman of medium height, without
stopping to think whether the same thing will be becoming
to a person of different figure. The same advice may be
given to very stout or very thin women, to very pale or very
florid ones; in short, to any one who differs decidedly in
any particular from " the average woman." The average wo-
man only can copy with impunity or with anything resem-
bling it. Garments are made to fit her, and fashions are
designed more or less to become her ; but even she must not
revel in sheep-like imitation if she wishes to look her best.
It is only a very good figure which looks well when all its
outlines are shown distinctly ; a woman with a poor figure
should seek rather to soften and disguise it, be she angular and
high-shouldered, or short and stout. What painful displays
of ugly forms we have all seen since the advent of the recent
fashions, which decree that a woman shall wear neither cloak
nor mantle in the street, but go abroad in a costume which
would have been considered rather a questionable one even
for the house twenty years ago ! Questionable, because fitted
to the form with an exactness which was not then considered
allowable.
A very tall woman who wears a very long skirt should
have a good deal of trimming on it, because this breaks
the line of the skirt and makes it seem shorter. A short wo-
man, per contra, should wear little trimming on her skirt, or
should have it near the bottom, so as to make the lines long.
She should, for the same reason, avoid basques, except very
short ones. One of the most fashionable women in Boston
wears a perfectly plain plaited skirt for a street dress, because
it is becoming to her and makes her look taller.
A very tall woman should never wear a broad flaring round
hat, unless she wishes to look like Mrs. Japheth or Mrs. Sheni
ON DRESS. 251
just coming out of the ark. A short- waisted woman should
never wear a belt. A very stout person should wear dark
colors (which make one look smaller), and materials which are
close and fine rather than loose and rough. The effect of a
stout woman arrayed in gray furzy cloth covered with imita-
tion snow-flakes is very like that of a polar bear. Another
delusion of short stout elderly women is that very tight-
fitting polonaises are becoming to them ; and so they allow
their mautua-makers to array them in clinging garments
which make them look like closely-draped beer-barrels.
When the great Beau Brummell was asked why Englishmen
were so much better dressed than Frenchmen, he replied la-
conically, " 'T is the hat." And some beaux in these days
maintain with a good deal of reason that if a man's hat is
new and in good style, it does not so much matter about the
rest of his clothes. Good gloves, good shoes, and a fresh hat
or bonnet are certainly very important items in a person's
appearance. The great man quoted above said that a gentle-
man should use six pairs of gloves in a day ! Gloves should
be well fitting ; it is seldom an economy to buy cheap ones.
According to the present fashion, ladies do not take off
their gloves at a ball, reception, or other occasion where the
collation is a stand-up affair. They keep their gloves on
while eating, although to many of us it seems far from neat
to do so, since one cannot hold cake, sandwiches, etc., in
one's fingers without soiling the gloves.
A foolish newspaper rumor has gone abroad that the lady
of the White House eats her dinner with her gloves on. But
this story is a highly improbable one ; and if it were true,
the example thus set would not be followed by our best
society, the members of which are too sensible to be governed
by the fancies of any (native) leader of fashion. It is con-
sidered " bad form " to sit down at table with gloves on ; and
they are always removed at breakfast, luncheon, dinner, tea,
252 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
and at a formal supper, where all the guests sit at table and
the service is in courses.
Gloves appear to have been very ancient concomitants of
civilization. In the Odyssey, Homer describes Laertes as
working in his garden with leather gloves on to protect his
hands from thorns. Gloves are also spoken of in the Bible,
in the book of Ruth and in that of Kings. Queen Eliz-
abeth of England wore sweet-scented gloves, which were
brought from Italy during her reign by Edward de Vere,
Earl of Oxford.
Never allow one garment to be so expensive or showy that
the rest of your costume will contrast badly with it. Do not
wear a thirty-dollar bonnet with an old and shabby dress.
Let all your garments have a certain accord with one another,
so that they may seem to belong together. If the colors
contrast, let it not be with too much violence.
One should be very careful to select materials and styles of
dress that are suited to one's age, figure, height, and complex-
ion. A great many women consider only the beauty or ugliness
of a garment in itself, and quite forget that the same costume
will make one woman look like a scarecrow and another like
a goddess. They see in the street, perhaps, some " love of a
bonnet " worn by a charming young girl with fresh bright
complexion, and are filled with a desire and a determination
to have one just exactly like it, never stopping to think
whether it will be equally suitable to a person of a totally
different coloring, age, and figure.
There is an old saying that a sheep does not look well
dressed up in a lamb's clothing. Miss Maria Oakey, in her
little book on " Beauty in Dress," points out to women that
as their age increases, the tints of the complexion necessarily
change, and that therefore the same colors will not be becom-
ing to a woman of forty and to a girl of sixteen. It is the
same old story that Dr. Holmes tells so charmingly in his
OX DRESS. 253
" Autocrat of the Breakfast-table." Old Age (so the witty Doc-
tor says) comes to us in the guise of a friend, and offers us
now a cane and a pair of arctics to aid our steps in slippery
weather, and now a muffler to keep out the winter's cold.
And we are quite indignant at his first visit. We inform
him that he has mistaken the house, and we go bravely out,
scorning his proffered aid. But a fall on the ice or an at-
tack of sore-throat teaches us that Old Age was right, and the
second time he calls upon us we receive the wraps and
mufflers with a thankful and humble heart.
So it is, or so it should be, with dress ; and both men and
women should remember to modify the style and fashion of
their raiment as they grow older. But, alas ! many people are
seized with a sudden desire for youth just as it is slipping
away from them, and men of forty -five will shave off their
beards and appear with the smooth face which looks well
only on a young man or a very handsome one. Women of
mature years will wear round hats, or bonnets without strings,
forgetting that age shows about the throat and neck as much
as at the corners of the eyes.
Many people, however, go to the other extreme, and know-
ing that their youth is a thing of the past, they pay little at-
tention to the question whether their dress is becoming or the
reverse. They fossilize into a certain style of costume and
into a certain way of arranging the hair. Every woman, if
she lives long enough, reaches this state of fossilization of
coiffure. and dress; but some women reach it at an unduly
early age.
While the affectation of youth is a thing to be strenuously
avoided, it is still to be remembered that at every age the
human form divine possesses some degree of beauty. The
beauty of middle-aged and elderly people is not usually
perceptible to the very young, but it is to their contempo-
raries ; and it is patent to all the world that every one,
254 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
even a plain or elderly person, looks better when becomingly
dressed.
Therefore, when a middle-aged woman imagines that no
one cares how she looks or dresses, she makes a great mis-
take. To her husband, her children, and her friends it is
surely gratifying to see the mother of the family clad in be-
coming raiment ; and while, like the pelican, she may strip
off some of her fine feathers for the benefit of her nestlings,
she should not imitate the conduct of fond and foolish Lear,
and give her worldly all to her children.
American women wear much more showy and elaborate
costumes when walking in the street than do their European
sisters, who consider it unladylike to go abroad in gorgeous
raiment except in a carriage. "We are beginning to be of the
same opinion in this country ; witness the quiet tailor-made
1 street costumes now so popular.
Diamonds and handsome jewels are never worn in the
street nor in travelling by Englishwomen of quality, who
consider that such ornaments should be reserved for the even-
ing or for large and gay occasions. In this country the rules
in regard to wearing jewelry are much more lax ; but ladies
of good taste seldom wear bracelets or much jewelry of any
sort in the morning, or in the street at any hour. Many
ladies wear diamond earrings in the daytime, especially if the
stones are not very large. It certainly seems inappropriate
to time and place to wear large and expensive diamonds
when walking in the street. One incurs also no small risk
of having them stolen.
The woman who walks abroad or goes in the cars very
showily dressed and covered with jewelry, conveys to the be-
holder the idea that she does not belong to what is technically
called society ; that she has no legitimate opportunity to dis-
play her handsome clothes, and therefore is obliged to wear
them in the street or not at all.
CHAPTEE XXVII.
THE DRESS AND CUSTOMS APPROPRIATE TO MOURNING.
IT seems a strange thing that we, who profess and call
ourselves Christians, should yet think it right to assume the
trappings of the deepest woe and gloom upon the death of a
near and dear friend. According to our belief the loved one
has gone to a happier world, free from all pain and care.
Why, then, should we surround ourselves with the tokens of
a woe that is in some sort a rebellion against the decrees of
Divine Providence 1 Many people, reasoning thus, feel that
it is not right to put on any outward show of mourning, and
it must be confessed that their argument is a logical one.
Others, again, object to wearing weeds because the custom is
such an expensive one, and because poor people feel that they
must comply with it, or seem wanting in respect for the dead ;
whereas if the rich did not set them the example, the poor
would not feel obliged to follow it.
On the other hand, there are many reasons to be urged in
favor of allowing people to assume a mourning garb where
they wish to do so. The voice of society is not cruel enough
in these days to dictate a universal law on the subject, though
it may once have done so ; nor does it hold up to scorn and
obloquy those who from conscientious motives refuse to com-
ply with its mandates. A mourning dress is a great protec-
tion against thoughtless and painful inquiries. It shows at
once to all friends and acquaintances that the wearer has
256 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
recently lost some near and dear friend, and warns them not
to jar upon a sad mood with a merry one, nor to ask careless
questions. Some people are so deficient in tact that they will
ask a person in deep black for whom she is wearing mourn-
ing, but fortunately such people are not very common.
In the first prostration of a heavy sorrow it is a comfort to
many persons to have something that is purely mechanical
with which to fill up the time and to distract the mind, even
if only in a very small measure, from the crushing grief
which threatens to overwhelm it. Thus the necessary ar-
rangements for mourning, etc., are really a painful blessing,
though one does not always know that they are so at the
time.
One of the most poignant regrets, secondary only to the
sense of the loss itself, is caused by the feeling that the dead
must, in the nature of things, soon be forgotten, and their
names as well as their places be lost from among the living.
Hence those who are in deep sorrow cling beyond all things
to the memory of their dead, and to whatever tends to keep
it alive. They feel, too, that garments of mourning are a fit
outward sign of a true inward sorrow, and that in wearing
them the last token of respect and affection is paid to the
dead. Many of us have seen people who did not believe in
the custom of wearing mourning, who thought it an empty
show and formality, and yet when their own time of real
trouble came, were very glad to take refuge in sable trappings.
Mourning is not now usually worn for so great a length of
time as formerly ; and although some people at least some
women are very censorious and exacting on the subject, so-
ciety in general allows more liberty of choice than it once did
both in regard to wearing mourning at all, and to the length
of time for wearing it. In New England, public sentiment
has never required so much outward show in this and other
matters as is found in the Middle States. Philadelphia,
MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 257
again, has the reputation of being more ceremonious than
New York. But the old-fashioned and extreme tyranny of
mourning, which forbade women to appear in the street unless
they were covered by a suffocating and unhealthy crape veil,
and which declared that windows giving on the street must
be darkened for so many weeks or months after a death in
the house, all this has passed or is passing rapidly away.
Physicians have objected so much to the injurious habit of
covering the face with crape, that veils of this material are
now used much less than formerly. They are replaced by
nun's veiling, a fabric at once prettier, softer, cheaper, and
more durable than crape. It must never be worn over the
face, however, unless at a funeral, as it is very injurious to
the eyes.
The length of time for wearing mourning varies greatly
According to individual taste and feeling in this country, with
a tendency, however, to shorter rather than longer periods,
save with ultra-conservative people.
We are still inclined to be shocked at the brevity of French
mourning ; but it must be remembered that the longer people
wear black, the harder it is for them to leave it off, so that in
some cases daughters who have lost a parent can hardly per-
suade themselves to put on colors again after four or even five
years. This is morbid and all wrong ; it comes from a con-
fusion of ideas, and a misinterpretation of the meaning of
mourning. By resuming our ordinary garments we do not
signify that our sorrow has become no sorrow, but rather that
it has assumed a different phase, and has ceased to be the
prominent, nay, the all-absorbing feature in our lives that it
was at first.
According to French etiquette a widow wears mourning
for her husband during one year and six weeks. This period
is subdivided into three shorter ones ; namely, six months of
deep mourning, six months of ordinary, and six weeks of hull'
17
258 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
mourning. For a father, mother, or wife the French wear
mourning for six months, divided into three of deep and
three of half mourning ; for a sister or brother two months,
of which one is deep mourning ; for a grandparent, two
and a half months of slight mourning ; for an aunt or uncle,
three weeks of ordinary mourning; and for a cousin, two
weeks.
Deep mourning consists of plain lustreless woollen stuffs
and crape. The stuffs should be of handsome material and
fine texture where the means of the wearer will allow, but
should always be made up in a simple and unostentatious
manner, and not overloaded with crape. Not only is the
custom of wearing a great quantity of crape going out of
vogue, but it is also a very objectionable fashion, because
real sorrow should never be made to appear like a sort of
dress-parade. Dull jet beads are now much worn in mourn-
ing, but a profusion of them is not appropriate to its earlier
stages.
Silk trimmed with crape is not considered to be " deep
black," but is worn in the secondary stages of mourning.
Woollens trimmed with lustreless silk, and bonnets made of
or trimmed with silk, also belong to what may be called or-
dinary mourning. Jet is not considered allowable save in
slight mourning, in this country, although it is in England ;
neither is lace used. In half-mourning, black and white as
well as gray are now worn, but not violet and lilac, as was
formerly the fashion. Complimentary mourning is black silk
without crape.
It is difficult to lay down exact rules, where custom
varies as it does in this country, and the best that can be
done is to approximate ordinary usage as nearly as may be in
regard to the length of time during which mourning is worn
in various cases. Widows usually wear deep mourning for
two years, and in some cases retain it for life. It is in very
MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 259
questionable taste, however, for a young and pretty widow to
wear her mourning after she has become " reconciled" to the
death of her first husband and is quite willing to marry a
second. A widow still wearing her weeds, and at the same
time carrying on an animated flirtation with some new ad-
mirer, is a sight to make the gods weep. We do not wish
that women should commit suttee in any form ; but to angle
for a second husband with the weeds worn for the first, be-
cause they are becoming, is a thing that should be forbidden
by law. Where a widow is leaving off her mourning, of course
the case is quite different, because she has then already be-
gun to signify her intention of wearing black no more. If a
widow happens to become engaged to be married while still
in mourning, many people think she should not discard her
black robes until her marriage ; where a suitable length of
time has elapsed, however, after the death of the first hus-
band, it would seem more appropriate for her to leave off her
mourning gradually.
For parents, mourning is usually worn during two years,
and made lighter in the second year. Many people, however,
continue to wear deep mourning, crape veil and all, for two
years. For brothers and sisters, the usual period is one year
of deep mourning and a year or less of lighter mourning.
For uncles, aunts, or grandparents, three to six months of
ordinary, not deep mourning are usually thought sufficient,
unless where the tie has been an unusually near and dear
one. Indeed, many people do not put on mourning at all,
save for very near relatives. The custom of wearing deep
black for long periods of time as a compliment to one's hus-
band's relations is certainly a very objectionable one. It
seems to take all the real meaning from mourning, and to
make it a mere form and show. For in the very nature of
things one cannot love another person's kindred like one's
own.
260 SOCIA.L CUSTOMS.
Parents often wear mourning for grown-up sons or daugh-
ters during two years. For children, most people do not
wear crape ; not because the grief is not of the deepest, but
because very stiff formal mourning seems utterly unfitted to
express the tender though poignant grief caused by the loss
from this world of a child's pure innocent spirit. In the
same way mourning for young children is not usually worn
during more than a year ; this, in spite of the fact that the
loss of a child often causes sorrow more enduring than any
other. The idea of respect for the dead enters more or less
into all our theories of mourning, and this respect seems
specially due to older people.
When one is in deep mourning, one does not go into
society, nor does one receive nor pay visits. Neither does
one go to the theatre, or other public place of amusement,
unless it be to a concert, until at least six months have
elapsed after the death of a near relative. After three
months it is considered allowable to attend concerts. Some
people make this period of strict seclusion much longer ;
but it must always be remembered that to many persons
this isolation continued for months or years, this deprivation
of all save the most limited society, and of every sort of
relaxation or amusement that could take their minds from
the one preoccupying thought, is not only very depressing
but extremely injurious. We are not all alike, and to some
minds it is fatal to be allowed to prey entirely upon them-
selves. Hence, while people in deep mourning should cer-
tainly avoid gay society, they ought not to be too strictly
judged, if, after a decent period of time, they find it to be for
their comfort and happiness to see their friends occasionally
in a quiet way, or even to seek the consolation of music at
concerts. The strictest and most formal mourning is not
always the most sincere. In the charming story of " Edel-
weiss," the author describes a son, who crushed with grief
MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 261
for the loss of his mother, finds his only consolation in re-
suming work at his trade as soon as the funeral is over ;
the neighbors are of course deeply scandalized at his pro-
ceedings, as they listen to the tap, tap of his shoemaker's
hammer.
Older people should not expect younger ones to remain in
strict seclusion as long a time as they themselves do ; the grief
of youth is often very intense, but it does not usually last as
long as that of persons of mature years. Moreover, it is a
cruel thing to shroud the natural gayety and bright spirits of
the young in long-continued mourning and depression. They
should of course be willing to pay a proper respect to the
memory of the relatives they have lost ; but no young life
should be permanently shadowed by grief and sorrow.
Some gentlemen put on complete suits of black, weeds on
their hats, and black gloves, on the loss of any near relation.
Most men, however, confine their mourning to a band of
crape on the hat, except at the funeral, when they wear black
suits and black gloves. Custom varies on this point in
different cities. In New York, it is much more common to
see gentlemen dressed in mourning than it is in Boston.
Men are not expected to seclude themselves from society
for so long a period as women, though every one is shocked
to see a man appear in the gay world soon after the death
of a near relative. A widower often wears black for two
years ; it is perhaps needless to state that many men cease to
be widowers long before that period is over. The feeling of
society, however, is in favor of a man's remaining faithful to
the memory of his wife for two years ; longer than that no
one expects him to wait before consoling himself. A widow,
however, is never quite forgiven by the world at large if she
marries again, this difference in our judgments of the con-
duct of the two sexes shows plainly a survival of savage ideas
in the midst of our boasted civilization.
262 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Some formal people dress children in mourning after the
loss of a near relative ; but to most of us it seems positively
wrong to depress the spirits of a little one by such solemn
garb. Childhood comes but once. God endowed children
with a bright and happy spirit ; they cannot understand the
meaning of death and sorrow, why need we try to teach it
to them ? The compromise of dressing children in white is a
rather unpractical and expensive one.
The custom of putting coachmen and footmen into mourn-
ing livery seems a very empty and formal one ; nevertheless
among rich people in New York and elsewhere, it is quite
customary to do so. It is usual to wear black or quiet colors
when attending a funeral.
When there has been a de'ath in a family, it is customary
for friends and acquaintances to call within a month, not
with the expectation that they will be received, but merely
to show their sympathy. Intimate friends call much sooner,
before the funeral, if their intimacy warrants it, or shortly
after. They of course ask to see the family ; but no one
should feel hurt if mourners, in the first prostration of grief,
refuse to see anybody.
When people in mourning feel ready once more to receive
visits, they announce the fact by sending out black-edged
cards enclosed in envelopes to those who have called upon
them. This is by no means, however, a universal custom,
although a convenient one.
According to an old superstition, it is unlucky for any one
to appear at a wedding dressed in black. It is usual, there-
fore, even for those in deep mourning, to lay it aside for that
one occasion, and to appear in white, gray, or purple, or in
other and brighter colors. Of course people who are in deep
mourning attend only the weddings of relatives or intimate
friends, and would not in any case be present at large or gay
wedding receptions. In England, deep red would be worn at
MOURNING DRESS AND CUSTOMS. 263
a wedding, as the alternative for mourning, an idea perhaps
derived from the Chinese, whose mourning color is red and
not hlack. Indeed, an Englishwoman wearing crape will
sometimes appear with an artificial red rose stuck in her
bonnet. In this country, no one would think of wearing
colored artificial flowers, and many people object even to
natural flowers of bright colors when worn with mourning.
In second mourning, however, it seems quite proper for a
lady to wear natural flowers of any color that she pleases,
not, of course, in profusion.
Mourning dress should be left off gradually. It is startling
to see a person one day in crapes and the next in bright
colors.
Formal letters of condolence have now gone out of fashion ;
even intimate friends confine themselves to writing short
notes, in which they strive to express their real sympathy,
or to give utterance to some comforting thought, rather than
to preach, or inculcate a lesson of resignation, in the old-fash-
ioned cruel manner. Sympathy is grateful to almost every
one, and we are all glad to hear words of hope and cheer from
those who have a true and living faith in things immortal
and invisible ; but sorrow brings its own lesson, and seldom
do we need additional ones from self-constituted mortal teach-
ers, when we are already learning from a Higher Source. It
must be added that to many people letters of condolence are
only distressing, and serve merely to keep the wound open.
If these letters are sent at all, it should be promptly, if
possible within a week or two after a death. In that early
time of grief, the mourners' hearts are so filled to overflow-
ing that they cannot do anything but think and speak of
their sorrow. Later on, after they have begun to take up
again the business of life, while they may grieve as deeply
AS ever, a certain reserve comes over their feelings, which
makes it very painful to many people either to read letters
264 SOCIAL CUSTOM?.
of condolence or to talk about those they have lost. Unless
a strong feeling urges them to do so, persons who are not
intimate friends should not write these letters ; of course
there are exceptions to this rule, notably in the case of public
or other well-known characters, where their relatives feel that
tributes to their worth and eminence are only right and
proper, and to be expected.
Visits of condolence require much tact on the part of those
who pay them, especially where they are made some time
after a death has taken place. Unless the visitor is a very
intimate friend, it is generally better not to intrude upon the
other's sorrow by talking freely on the subject. Rather
should one lead the conversation that way, and give the
mourner an opportunity if she wishes to speak of her
grief and its cause. People differ much in this respect ; to
some it is a relief to pour forth their sorrow, and to others it
is so painful to do so, that friends must steer a middle course
between seeming indifferent and appearing intrusive. Tact,
sympathy, and knowledge of a friend's character must dictate
what one shall do or say.
Some well-meaning but thoughtless people will meet an
acquaintance who is in deep affliction, in the street, or in a
railroad station, and will perhaps say, " I am so sorry to have
heard of your trouble ! " Anxious to express their sympathy,
they forget how torturing it may be to the other person to
have her wound so suddenly probed, and in such a public
place, where it would be most unfitting to give way to grief.
It is quite possible by look, tone, and manner to indicate the
sympathy which time and place forbid one to express.
Where those who are in affliction have a large circle of
relatives and friends, the latter should remember that it may
be extremely painful for the mourners to be obliged to
recount the circumstances of their loss, and give a detailed
account of the last illness and death, over and over again.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
HOST AND GUEST.
THE bond between host and guest has in all times been
held to be of a peculiar and even sacred character. In ancient
Greece hospitality was a matter of religion, and violation of
its duties was thought to provoke the wrath of the gods.
A stranger was regarded as enjoying the protection of Zeus
Xenios, and was received and guarded from harm during his
stay. Indeed, the roads were all sacred, and whoever passed
over them was the guest of the land. A free lunch even
was provided for him, since he was at liberty to take the
offerings of food, etc., which were to be found in front of the
statues of the tutelary deity of the road, who was generally
that prince of thieves, Hermes.
When the guest parted from his host, a sort of true-love
token in the shape of a die was sometimes broken between
them. Each took a part, and a family connection was thus
established, the broken die serving as a symbol of recognition.
The guest was often presented with valuable gifts, which must
have been rather troublesome to carry away in those times
when express companies had not been invented. The com-
mon statement that a stranger was considered as an enemy
is said to be a groundless one.
The Italian races had customs similar to those of the
Greeks. Jupiter Hospitalis watched over the jus hospitii, or
law of hospitality, and the connection between host and guest
often became hereditary. In ancient Rome the law recognized
266 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
between them a tie almost as strong as that which connected
patron and client, and a guest could appear in a court of
justice only through his host.
The hospitality of the Hebrews is familiar to us all from
the pages of the Bible. Indeed, Oriental hospitality is so
sacred in its character, and so picturesque and striking in its
details, that it has come to be the source of imagery, and the
type of which we all involuntarily think whenever the rela-
tions of host and guest are under discussion. As customs in
the East have varied so little during many ages, we may still
behold and wonder at ceremonies hospitable and otherwise,
which have been practised there for countless centuries. To
our more emancipated minds, however, the long and ceremoni-
ous salutations, the oft-repeated hand-shakings or prostrations,
the giving and receiving of endless presents, together with
the profound gravity pervading all these and other ceremonies,
seem more like child's play than the behavior suitable to full-
grown and rational beings. The hospitality of a nation will
always exhibit some of its special characteristics. Muni-
ficence and elaborate ceremony are the important elements
of Oriental hospitality ; but of the real every -day life of his
host, a guest travelling in the East necessarily learns very
little.
The Englishman's views of the proper reception and treat-
ment of a guest are of a very different sort. Love of liberty
and a fondness for domestic life are the strongest or cer-
tainly the best traits of the Briton, and he therefore shares
with the stranger within his gates what he himself values
most ; namely, perfect freedom, and the pleasures of home life,
also roast beef and beer in abundance.
We Americans are so peripatetic in our habits, and so
active in our tastes and pursuits, that we sometimes over-
weary our guests by the number of amusements provided
for their delectation. We fairly kill them with kindness.
HOST AND GUEST. 267
The French value inordinately the conversational powers
with which they themselves are so abundantly gifted. Ac-
cordingly they amuse their guests with a vast and never-
ending flow of talk, and consider the mere providing of food
and drink as a very inferior branch of hospitality. It cer-
tainly is ; and the civilization of a nation which holds it
necessary above all things to stuff a guest thoroughly and
well, as if he were a pig, is on a much lower plane than
that of a people whose cardinal social belief is in the necessity
and delight of an interchange of thoughts and ideas.
That was a grave charge which Mr. Alcott brought against
the Chelsea philosopher. " I accuse T. Carlyle of inhospital-
ity to my thought," said the Concord sage or so the story
runs. But no one less optimistic than Mr. Alcott could have
hoped that a man holding ideas and theories so widely dif-
ferent from his own as did Mr. Carlyle, could even momen-
tarily sympathize with his peculiar views.
The host is necessarily a sort of temporary ruler; if his
guests misbehave in any way he is considered responsible for
them. Like all rulers, he is liable to be in some degree a
tyrant, though perhaps with the best intentions in the world.
The old-fashioned host would not think of allowing his
guests to leave the house before the proper hour for their
departure, and detained them almost by force, all in the
exercise of his duty. Nay, he did more than this ; for he
often compelled them to drink much more wine than was
good for them.
The modern host is but a shadow of his ancient prototype.
Indeed, one of the most striking changes in our manners is to
be found in the surrender of the sceptre of hospitality to the
hands of women. The host has become of little importance,
the hostess is the powerful factor ; and even the invitations
for almost all social occasions stand in her name alone. In
America our men are too busy to give their time to the con-
268 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
sideration of social matters. Besides, the women wish to rule,
and the men of our country, with the latter-day common-
sense sort of chivalry that distinguishes them above all
others, think it only fair to grant us this privilege. They
bear in mind the French proverb, " Les hommes font les lois,
les fenimes font les mceurs," and for the most part submit to
the petticoat government of society without a murmur. Here
and there a gentleman of leisure, endowed with social talent,
aspires to leadership in the world of fashion; but he finds
it a thankless task. A few people recognize his services, but
the many are inclined to make fun of and sneer at him.
" A government of the women, by the women, for the women,"
is our social motto in America ; and with the conservatism
peculiar to a republic, we do not readily abandon our
creed.
While hospitality is undoubtedly a duty, it loses half its
charm the moment people cease to look upon it as a pleasure.
A conscientious but unwilling host is like those virtuous and
austere persons who make goodness hateful because they
practise it in such a disagreeable way. Nor should a truly
hospitable person keep too strict a debit and credit account
with society, inviting his guests in order to clear off his
social debts, instead of for the pleasure of seeing and enter-
taining them. "I can always tell," said a witty Boston
woman, "whether a party has been made to pay off social
obligations, or merely for the fun of the thing. Where the
people are all uncongenial spirits, and bore their hostess and
each other half to death, it is very evident why they were
asked together."
Such a company will be much like a meal that is planned
for the sole purpose of " eating up " what is in the house, or
like a costume gotten up to wear out various heterogene-
ous garments that have no real relation to each other.
Economy is an excellent minor virtue ; but it is not noble
HOST AND GUEST. 269
enough to stand in the first place, and should always be
gracefully concealed beneath some loftier motive. The spirit
which cannot brook being under obligations even to a friend
is certainly a churlish one. It is better at least it is more
independent than the spirit which permits a person to re-
ceive favors constantly without a thought of doing anything
in return, but either is undesirable. It is just as noble to
receive a kindness gracefully, though without servility, as to
give generously, yet not in a patronizing spirit. Indeed, only
a generous nature understands either how to give or to re-
ceive. The man who knows the blessedness of giving is
willing that his friends shall know it also.
How much pleasure do we lose in this life by the persist-
ent habit of regarding certain duties as disagreeable which
often prove to be just the reverse ! " I have sixty calls to
make during this month ; how I hate the thought ! " says
some lady with a large circle of acquaintance. She starts out
to make her round of visits, in the stern spirit of a martyr,
rejoices greatly because eleven of her friends are "not- at
home," but has a delightful time with the single friend who
is not out !
One old friend called upon another, not a thousand miles
from Boston, and was exceedingly amused by a memorandum
which was placed in the lady's bedroom in a conspicuous
position. It was written in a large hand, and read, " Must
go to see So-and-so." The visitor was Mrs. So-and-so
herself !
Some hosts entertain their guests with so much energy, and
are so extremely conscientious about providing amusements
of various kinds, that they are completely worn out by the
time their friends leave. They dread having company be-
cause it implies to their minds a vast amount of fatigue and
exertion. Such people have but one idea in regard to hos-
pitality ; namely, that it consists in killing the fatted calf,
270 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
which they proceed to do in every sense, and with great thor-
oughness. Indeed, they offer up as a sort of holocaust to the
visitor the time, comfort, and convenience of the entire
household, as far, that is to say, as the individual members
of it will permit themselves to be sacrificed.
All this is a very mistaken notion of hospitality, and often
proves as burdensome to the guest as to the host. Unless a
person is extremely unobservant or extremely selfish it will
make him very uncomfortable to find that every one else
is put about simply for his convenience ; and the feeling of
unrest which pervades the household will communicate itself
to him also. The good old saying, " Make yourself at home,"
how much it implies ! But a guest cannot feel at home
where no one else feels so, where every one is uncomfort-
able, and all ordinary arrangements are turned topsy-turvy.
If an atmosphere of self-sacrifice fills the air, the stranger
within the gates will inhale it, and he too will be in the
prevailing mood. What an artificial and " strained " state of
affairs this will bring about, most of us know from sad
experience.
In order to make the guest feel " at home," the host must
feel so himself. No one would think of leaving his house,
when he expected company, in order that the guests might
have it all to themselves; it would not be hospitable to do
so. Neither is it true hospitality to abandon all one's ordi-
nary habits and ways of life. Your friend wants to see you
in your own home and in your own home-life, modified for
his behoof and convenience, but not turned inside out and
upside down. The family skeleton, if there is one, may as
well be put in the closet, and family jars may be shelved for
a time, with advantage.
How blessed is that household whose every-day life is so
harmonious and well-regulated that no unsightly bones have
to be hidden away on the sudden approach of guests ! I
HOST AND GUEST. 271
know of one such home, where the sun always shines in
hearts and faces, where the children behave well every day,
and the parents never quarrel. The motto of this house is,
to use the best every day. The best manners, the best tem-
pers, the best silver, china, glass, and linen you will see there,
not on holidays only, but on working-days as well ; and all
the visitors who are lucky enough to stay at that house re-
gard it as the ideal home, and the most delightful place in
the world to visit.
It is in the country, of course. "We must go to the country
to find our ideal of hospitality ; in town, people are so hur-
ried and busy, and have so many other pleasures, that they
cannot enjoy the full measure of hospitality which is given
and received in quiet country places. You must have a
desert before you can have an oasis ; and it has been cynically
asserted that the far-famed hospitality of our own South was
due largely to the isolated and lonely position of those who
exercised it, people who lived on great plantations forty or
fifty miles from any possible society. This is not quite just
to our Southern brethren, because people who live lonely
lives in quiet places are not always hospitably inclined ; if
they are naturally fond of dwelling alone the tendency will
grow with what it feeds on, until an almost churlish spirit 01
seclusion and great social indolence will be developed.
What a picture does Susan Coolidge give, in her " What
Katy Did," of the miseries suffered by two little girls who
go to visit a kind but fat and lazy old woman in the
country ! The poor little souls are given a hot attic-chamber,
with a feather-bed to sleep on, and a window provided with
a rattling paper shade, but without mosquito -bars, all this
in the middle of summer ! They find the butter melt-
ing into oil, nothing on the table that they can eat, and
flies, flies everywhere ! The old woman beams kindly on
them when she is not asleep ; but age and adipose prevent
272 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
her ever ascending her own stairs to attend to her guests'
comfort.
A very important rule of hospitality is not to invite people
to visit you unless you can make them comfortable. It is
generally unwise to invite any one to stay under your roof,
who is accustomed to a much more elaborate and expensive
style of living than your own. Of course there are excep-
tions to this rule ; where, for instance, you can offer other
attractions to your visitor which should more than compen-
sate for the plainer mode of life. If your summer cottage is
on the sea-shore, or in any very attractive locality, you will
find most of your friends very willing to endure a little in-
convenience for the sake of enjoying a whiff of the salt air.
Young people are usually not very particular about their
accommodations, as long as they are offered " a real good
time," in school-girl parlance. There are some young girls
who are so pampered and luxurious, however, that they
cannot be happy in any surroundings save those to which
they are accustomed. Hence a wise hostess will carefully
consider the character as well as the age and social condition
of the guests whom she proposes to invite. She will also en-
deavor to give them, as far as is in her power, the comforts and
conveniences to which they have been accustomed at home.
The guests on their part should endeavor to give as little
trouble as possible, and should conform their habits to those
of the household of which they are temporarily members.
They should be especially careful to be punctual at all
meals, and not to treat their friends' servants as if the lat-
ter were their own, sending them on errands or calling upon
them for special services. To do so would be to commit an
unwarrantable breach of the laws ot etiquette.
Mrs. Kemble relates in her journal that Mademoiselle
D'Este (an unfortunate lady whose principal aim in life ap-
pears to have been the assertion of claims to royal dignity
HOST AND GUEST. 273
which were never allowed) used regularly to come down
late to dinner when visiting at the country-houses of the
English nobility. She knew that if she entered the dining-
room with the rest of the company, the precedence whicli
she considered her due might not be awarded her, and she
was determined that no mere duchess or countess should go
into dinner before herself. Therefore she entered alone,
after every one else was seated, making a graceful inclination
to her host, and an apology for her perpetual tardiness !
In this country it is not considered polite to take a valet
or maid when going to make a visit at a friend's house, un-
less one has received special permission to do so.
A visitor should be extremely careful not to overstay the
time for which he was originally invited, unless under extraor-
dinary circumstances. When the day fixed for the depar-
ture arrives, a hostess often makes some polite remarks, to
the effect that she is sorry her guest must go so soon, etc.
This is said merely by way of compliment ; but some young
people who are careless and thoughtless allow themselves to
be very easily persuaded to prolong their stay, if urged by
the daughters or sons of the house to do so, forgetting that
their invitation should come from the hostess herself, and
that it must be more than ordinarily pressing before they are
justified in changing the limit originally set for their stay.
In England, guests at a country-house are invited always for
a definite length of time, and on the appointed day the car-
riage drives up and the guest departs without peradventure.
In this country, we are not always so exact. Where guests
are invited to visit friends at a distance, a visit is usually
supposed to be of a week's duration, if no time has been fixed ;
but an invitation for a few days may mean anything from
two days to a week. According to the old English rule, a
first visit should never exceed a week.
If a hostess wishes her friends to call upon her guest, she
18
274 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
should let them know beforehand at what time her visitor is
expected, so that they may have plenty of time to offer any
social attention which they may be inclined to show. The
best way to secure other invitations for a guest, is to invite
friends to meet her in the early part of her visit, issuing the
invitations before her arrival ; for, if she is to remain only a
week, and people are not invited to meet her until the middle
of the visit, they will have scant time to show her any hos-
pitable attentions. " You are going day after to-morrow ?
I am so sorry ! If you were only to stay longer, I should be
so glad to see you at our house," etc. A hostess often hears
remarks of this sort made, and laments her own tardiness,
which has destroyed all these charming possibilities for her
guest's entertainment.
It is always proper to write and ask if one may bring a
friend who is staying in the house, if one is invited to a ball,
reception, or any large general occasion where an indefinite
number of people are to be present. One or two, more or less,
will make no difference in the hostess' arrangements for such
an event. But it is not proper, under ordinary circumstances,
to ask leave to bring a guest to a dinner or formal luncheon
party, for obvious reasons. A hostess should not go out to
dine, or spend the evening, unless her guest is invited also,
or has some other amusement provided. Where the guest is
an intimate friend, or constantly receives and accepts separate
invitations, this rule is often waived.
It is not polite to invite a guest to any general entertain-
ment without also inviting the lady under whose roof the for-
mer is staying. Even for a luncheon or dinner-party it is more
polite to invite the hosts also whenever it is possible to do so.
When calling upon a guest, a card must invariably be left
for the lady of the house also, as has been said elsewhere.
Where one card only is left, it is always held to be for the
hostess.
HOST AND GUEST. 275
While one should endeavor to procure invitations and pro-
vide pleasant amusements for a guest, it is a great mistake to
attempt to lay out all his time, or to try to entertain him all
day long. It is said that the English understand to perfec-
tion the art or want of art that is necessary to entertain
guests at a country-house. Everything about the house and
grounds is put at their disposal ; they may walk, drive, read,
play billiards, smoke, or shoot, to suit themselves. In short,
they may employ their time as they please until the late
dinner-hour brings all together. In the evening every one
is expected to remain in the drawing-rooms, and to contrib-
ute, as far as in him lies, to the general amusement of the
company.
There is one great drawback to the pleasure of visiting at
English country-seats, and that is the great expense it en-
tails on account of the vicious system of fees. At a first-
class house, belonging to one of the nobility or gentry, a
pound sterling is the smallest fee that it is allowable to give ;
and this sum must be given freely to every servant who has
performed any service, even the slightest, for a guest, such
as the porter who has barely laid hands on one's portemanteau.
A game-keeper must be feed on a much higher scale ; twenty-
five dollars is the least amount of money some of these digni-
taries will accept ! It is said that the English nobility
themselves regret the existence of this system of extortion,
but have not the power to stop it. Jeemes, with all his airs
of humility, is in reality more of a despot than his master,
the hereditary ruler.
As I take my leave of host and guest, there rises before
me the well-known figure of one who is an ideal hostess, and
on whose face there is a look of reproach which seems to say,
" Am not I too worthy of mention 1 " She is a woman of
tall and commanding figure, of ancient family, and of ample
worldly means. All these advantages she uses, not to awe
276 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
or humble other people, but to minister to their pleasure,
to give them the best of all she has. To entertain her friends
is her greatest delight, and the absence of any invited
guest causes her a real and unfeigned regret. As the hour
for the feast approaches, her face fairly beams with the anti-
cipation of the pleasure which she is to afford others. " Good-
will to men" is written there in letters of light, and each
guest says to himself, as he looks at the bright, happy coun-
tenance, " I am truly welcomed ; how can I help enjoying
myself? "
It takes two or three real persons, however, to make an
ideal, and since the task has been begun, I must mention
one more very charming hostess who has the art of entertain-
ing her guests so that all are pleased, whether she is holding
a stately reception or an informal picnic in the woods. This
lady enjoys society, not perhaps with the fervor of youth,
but with a more quiet and enduring satisfaction. Her spirits
rise as her guests assemble ; indeed no woman ever becomes
a social leader unless she takes real pleasure in meeting with
her kind.
This lady has the art of compounding into a harmonious
whole heterogeneous elements which could not be fused save
by a master hand. With an apparent madness which yet has
its method she mingles artists, poets, and mere society people
in her magic caldron. Over all plays the benevolent light-
ning of her scintillating wit, and literary men and fashion-
able women find an unsuspected charm in each other's society
while galvanized by the electric current of her social sympathy
and power. Do more figures loom before me on the social
horizon ] Alas ! it was a rash act to summon one spirit from
the great army of charming women. But I will hold parley
with no more ghosts to-day ; " ab uno disce omnes."
CHAPTER XXIX.
COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY.
PEOPLE who live in the country often make the mistake of
endeavoring to entertain their guests in city fashion. They
think that nothing else will suit their town-bred friends ;
or perhaps they themselves have an overweening admiration
for city life and all that pertains to it. Hence country cousins
indulge in an imitation which is of course the sincerest
flattery, but is nevertheless apt to be disastrous.
We go to the country because we are tired of the town ;
and we hope to find there, not a second or third rate repro-
duction of ways of life with which we are wearily familiar,
but something new and different, change, rest, and quiet,
refreshing communion Avith Xature, and a mode of life less
artificial than a city existence must of necessity be. We
wish, of course, to find refinement of life and manners
wherever we go, but in the country the heart of man longs
for simplicity ; alas ! the longing is usually a vain one.
Few dwellers in the country have the common-sense of
Shakspeare's Shepherd, who says : " Those that are good
manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the
behavior of the country is most mockable at the court."
Manners do not need to be radically changed under differing
circumstances, but to be adapted property to time and place.
Happy is the man whose manners fit his situation in life,
who can take a lower room, if such be the change fate brings
278 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
him, without loss of dignity, and who can take a higher station
without any assumption of arrogance or pride.
Every change in our circumstances must bring some
change in our manners ; it depends on ourselves, very largely,
whether the change is for the better or the worse. Emerson
says :
" Manners are the revealers of secrets, the betrayers of any
disproportion or want of symmetry in mind and character.
It is the law of our constitution that every change in our ex-
perience instantly indicates itself on our countenance and
carriage, as the lapse of time tells itself on the face of a clock.
"We may be too obtuse to read it, but the record is there.
Some men may be obtuse to read it, but some men are not
obtuse and do read it."
In our own country, fortunes change hands so constantly,
and with such startling rapidity, that many men and women
have their characters, and consequently their manners, put
to a severe test. Of the two extremes, a sudden rise in
fortune is a greater test of good breeding, I think, than a
sudden fall. It takes greater strength to ascend than to
descend, and we demand greater things of a successful man
than we do of a defeated one. We worship the rising sun ;
but our sympathies are with the sunset, and we admire it
more than we do its gaudy and boastful brother of the early
morning.
A lady dined, not long ago, with some friends in the
country who had shortly before received a large accession
to their fortune and had built unto themselves a new house,
wider, more costly, more elegant in its appointments than
their former residence. On her return home she was closely
questioned about her hosts and their new abode ; and she
said much in praise of all the new finery, but with a certain
reserve in her encomiums. "Weren't they cordial were
they haughty?" said the inquisitor of the home-circle. " Yes,
COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 279
yes," was the answer, " they were everything that was kind
and cordial but but they are n't big or grand enough
for their new house ! " which was a homely way of saying
that their manners had not grown yet to suit their altered
circumstances.
Some people never do change their manners, whatever may
happen to their outer circumstances. It is said that at least
one bonanza millionnaire of California retains his early sim-
plicity of demeanor, although living in a palace fit for a
prince. His wife, recognizing her own inability to be or ap-
pear like a fine lady, remains just as she was in the old days
of poverty, and seems more like a respectable upper servant
than the mistress of untold millions. Of course there is a
striking incongruity between the demeanor of this worthy
couple and their palatial surroundings ; nevertheless they
are much more respected than they would be if they tried
unsuccessfully to ape the manners of another class, and to
bridge over the fatal gaps in their early training and educa-
tion. There are some gaps so wide that no social engineer
has skill enough to throw a span across them.
But we are wandering from our main theme, the manners
suitable to a country life. It goes without saying that New-
port and other gay watering-places do not and in the na-
ture of things cannot have much in common with the real
country, either in manners or in the general way of life.
Still, even here, there is a growing tendency toward the ultra
imitation of city life, which many people deplore. Rugged
Mount Desert itself is becoming too stereotyped to suit the taste
of these latter. They say and with good reason that
they do not wish to spend the summer in a roiind of visit-
ing, and perpetual condition of dress parade, in a mere rep-
etition, in fact, of the doings of the winter's gay season.
When Bishop Heber wrote,
"Though every prospect pleases, and only inau is vile,"
280 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
it is just possible that he had in his mind the environs of a
fashionable watering-place, the splendid equipages, gorgeous
toilets, and bored expression of countenance of the gay dames
and their cavaliers, contrasting incongruously with the quiet
green fields and pastures, and the peaceful cattle taking their
ease therein.
Thackeray describes in his own inimitable manner the
pitiful humbug, and striving after effect of a foolish family
who live in the country. These people endeavor to keep
up a style'nf living far beyond their means, and to consort
with persons much richer and more fashionable than them-
selves. Hence they are driven to all sorts of petty subter-
fuges, in order to conceal their real manner of life ; and live
poorly and meanly in private, that they may make an occa-
sional grand display before half a dozen county families.
The mother and daughter are " caught" by some of their
grand acquaintances when in the act of trimming their own
vines and fig-trees, and rush into the house by the back door,
vainly hoping that they have not been seen in their old
clothes !
Furthermore, they disgust the guest of the household (an
old friend from town) by constant and tedious would-be
fashionable talk, as well as by giving him an endless succes-
sion of dinners made from the family pig, relieved by sour
beer and poor wine.
Yes, all this humbug and sham we find in the city too ;
but contemptible as it is everywhere, it is nowhere so much
so as in the presence of the woods and fields and hills, where
Dame Nature's broad smile invites us constantly to be at one
with her, and to abandon all shallow pretences.
If a lady likes to tend her own flower-beds and prune her
own vines, by all means let her do so, and let her not be
foolish enough to feel any shame if she is seen engaged in so
sensible a pursuit. If she wears a neat garden-hat, and a
COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 281
pretty, becoming calico dress, it does n't matter who sees her
at her work. But just here lies another difficulty ; namely,
that many persons think any dress is good enough to work
in, no matter ho\v old, shabby, and soiled it may be. This
is a most unsound theory, and one which has more than a
little to do with making people feel ashamed of work.
No matter what one is doing or where one is going, it is a
part of self-respect to be dressed neatly and in whole raiment ;
and it is surprising to find how seldom it is necessary to
wear soiled or shabby clothes if one only determines not to
do so. With a good big apron, gloves, and short skirts, one
may even work in the garden, set out flowers and water
them, and look little the worse for it. A person who
thinks any clothes are good enough to work in does not
appreciate the dignity of labor.
The difficulty of procuring good butcher's meat is apt to
be a serious stumbling-block in the real country ; and when
Thackeray sounds a note of woe apropos of being obliged (in
the person of his hero) to feed extensively on the family pig, he
touches a chord to which many a heart will thrill responsively.
Country hosts should remember that guests from the city are
accustomed to plenty of fresh meat, and to meat that is not
tough. But if the host cannot procure tender meat, he can
at least avoid frying beefsteaks, and roasting beef and mutton
to death. Beefsteak should always be broiled over a clear
fire and always cooked rare, as also in a lesser degree
should mutton-chops.
A guest at a country-house should be somewhat forbear-
ing, and not unmindful of the difficulties that encompass a
rural purveyor. It would not be polite, for instance, to
copy the behavior of a certain lady who drove several miles
into the country to visit some friends, and who accepted
their invitation to stay and take " pot-luck " with them.
Roast lamb made its appearance upon the dinner-table, and
282 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
was duly offered to the guest of the occasion. What were
the feelings of the hostess and her family when their guest
said in an oracular tone, " My grandmother Jones never
could eat lamb, and 7 never can ! " Luckily a small side-
dish of chicken saved the hosts from utter confusion and
disgrace ; but supposing that there had been no chicken,
what then]
In that case they would have been obliged to fall back
upon their fruit and vegetables, which, with plenty of fresh
milk, cream, butter, and eggs, must always form the chief
strongholds of a country table. People who eat vegetables
and fruit fresh from their own gardens every day, do not
realize what a treat they are constantly enjoying. If they did
they certainly would not, like some unwise country house-
keepers, take endless trouble to make elaborate desserts and
an infinite variety of cake, neglecting the delicious fruit at
their very doors, or perhaps (to the still greater vexation of
their guests) putting it all into the preserving-kettle to coldly
furnish forth next winter's tea-table. Cream, butter, milk,
eggs, fruit, vegetables, chickens, let the country house-
keeper have these written on her heart of hearts ; and
whatever else she may add thereto, she must never take
these away, but remember that they are her crowning glory,
and should always be of the best quality.
Next, let her have her table and indeed all her house
cheerful and fragrant with fresh flowers. Of course it is
her sacred duty to have a flower as well as a vegetable gar-
den, and she should not forget to have her children gather
the wild flowers whose delicate beauty is sought for vainly in
the dusty town.
Let her call in the aid of the sun, too, to make her house
bright and cheerful. It is far better that carpets and cur-
tains should fade a little than that human beings should
droop and pine in dim, secluded chambers. Of course, iu ex-
COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 283
tremely hot weather blinds must be closed in the middle of
the day; but there is a vast deal too much closing of shutters
in our part of the world, notably in the Middle States.
Wherever and whenever mosquitoes congregate, it is very
desirable that guests should have mosquito nets provided for
their beds. These can be made quite inexpensively by taking
the frame of an old umbrella and covering it with double
netting; around the edge of this as a centre two or more
breadths of netting should be sewn. They should be long
enough to reach nearly to the floor. The whole fabric should
be suspended from a hook in the ceiling, and may be drawn
up in the daytime for the sake of convenience.
It is quite interesting to know that the ancient Egyptians
not only were troubled with mosquitoes, but were sagacious
enough to use mosquito nets ! Herodotus says :
" They have the following contrivance to protect them-
selves from the mosquitoes, which abound very much. The
towers are of great service to those who inhabit the upper
parts of the marshes, for the mosquitoes are prevented by the
winds from flying high ; but those who live round the
marshes have contrived another expedient. . . . Every man
has a net with which in the day he takes fish, and at night
uses it in. the following manner : in whatever bed he sleeps
he throws the net around it, and then getting in sleeps under
it ; if he should wrap himself up in his clothes or in linen
the mosquitoes would bite through them, but they never
attempt to bite through the net."
After the country housekeeper has provided her city guest
with a comfortable sleeping apartment, she should take care
that the latter is not aroused " at the screech of dawn " with
the crowing of roosters, the clatter of the maid-servants and
children, and other noises that seem to begin at such a very
early hour in the country. A guest who is truly polite will
always come down at the family breakfast-hour, unless it be
284 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
in luxurious houses where breakfast is a movable feast, and
every one can have a cup of tea and a roll in his own room
if he prefers to do so.
As it is now fashionable to begin breakfast with a course
of fruit, the country hostess should surely follow this whole-
some custom, placing before her guests melons, peaches, or
whatever fruit is in season. For the rest she should remem-
ber that people's appetites are sharpened by the fresh air of
the country, and that the dishes provided should therefore
be rather more substantial in character than those that are
prescribed for a city table by the present fashion.
Still, it must be admitted that here " doctors disagree."
At the country-seats of some rich families, whose eyes are
ever turned city-ward in admiration and longing, you will
find the menu at every meal exactly what it would be in the
most fashionable city dwelling, and you will be helped to an
unlimited amount of china and genteel fragments of food
during an hour or two, three times a day.
Almost every one prefers to dine early in the country in
summer, for a late dinner is sure to interfere with the pleas-
ures of the afternoon riding, driving, etc. tmless the
hour is set extremely late, at eight or nine o'clock. Tea,
therefore, becomes a very important meal in out-of-town
households ; that is, " high " " or stout " tea. It is a pity
that this cheerful meal has almost disappeared from city life,
driven out both by fashion and necessity, since business men
in our large cities can no longer come home to two o'clock
dinner as they did five-and-twenty years ago.
For " high tea " a white table-cloth should be used. The
tea and coffee equipages stand before the mistress of the house,
or sometimes are placed one at each end of the table. It
certainly looks more cheerful to have tea made on the table ;
the simmering of the tea-urn, the actual presence of the fire
even of an alcohol lamp give to the occasion a home-like
COUNTRY MANNERS AND HOSPITALITY. 285
air which otherwise would be wanting. Tea also tastes bet-
ter when made in this way ; but the process entails addi-
tional trouble upon the hostess, who already has no light task
to perform. To be able to talk to guests and pour out tea
and coffee, perhaps to flavor them as well, all at the
same time, demands great nimbleness of wits. Most hostesses
are sincerely thankful to those guests who are so considerate
as " not to speak to the woman at the wheel " until she has
finished the dread libation.
The table should be ornamented with fruits and flowers,
but not in the formal fashion of a dinner-party. Preserves,
honey, etc., in dishes of cut glass or handsome china may
stand about the table, and also plenty of fruit, in the season.
Hot biscuits, muffins, crumpets, waffles, etc., are in their
greatest glory at the hour of tea, and should succeed one
another in relays, so that they may be always " piping hot."
Confectioner's cake or nice home-made cake also stand upon
the table. The more solid dishes cold ham, escaloped
oysters, chickens cold, fricasseed, or fried, moulded tongue,
omelet, salads, and cold meats of various kinds may either
be helped by the servants from the sideboard or placed on
the table and served by the master of the house, assisted by
other members of the family ; the hostess during the earlier
part of the meal at least, will have her hands too full with
pouring out tea and coffee to do much else.
Vegetable salads of various kinds are always welcomed on
the tea-table, and are preferred by many housekeepers be-
cause they can be prepared beforehand. But there must
be some hot dishes on the tea-table, otherwise the feast will
be an imperfect one. It suffices, however, to have hot bread
or cakes of some sort, and to have the meats, etc., cold, where
this arrangement is the most convenient one. In that de-
lightfully primitive city, Philadelphia, tea-drinkings still occa-
sionally take place, though even here their glory is departing ;
286 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
they must be accompanied by at least two substantial dishes,
oysters and chickens, for instance, or they are not con-
sidered to be comme-il-faut in the Quaker city.
At the seaside, fresh fish nicely broiled is excellent on the
tea-table, as are also lobsters, crabs, clams, etc. Cream and
cottage cheeses, curds and whey, and other preparations of
milk are liked by many people. They certainly look cool,
refreshing, and seasonable, and are usually considered very
wholesome.
If one is invited out to take tea at Newport one will sit
down to what is a dinner in all but the name. The floral
decorations will be more simple, but otherwise the tea will
be in reality a diner & la Russe, perhaps with seventeen
courses.
Every house in the country must of course be provided
with a wide piazza if the inmates intend to have either com-
fort or pleasure. In the hot summer evenings guests should
be allowed to sit on the veranda, when they show a dispo-
sition to do so, and not be dragged into a hot parlor, will-
they, nill-they, to take part in a game of cards.
Now that the guitar and mandolin have again come into
fashion, they fill very pleasantly a " long-felt want " in the
summer evenings. Many young ladies sing simple ballads
and folk-songs under the moon to the tinkling of the guitar,
and every one is pleased. The same music heard in the
prosy atmosphere of the drawing-room under the glaring gas-
light would perhaps sound tame ; but in the open air it takes
very little to make us contented.
CHAPTER XXX.
IN THE STREET.
AMERICAN women are so much accustomed to receiving the
utmost courtesy and consideration at the hands of men,
they are so well used to breathing the air of freedom from
their very birth, that they sometimes forget how great are
their actual privileges, and grumble because they have not
others which would no doubt be pleasant to possess, could we
have everything as we would like to have it in this transitory
sphere.
American men are more truly chivalrous than any others
upon earth ; their respect for womankind is not only very
deep, but entirely unaffected. It is a part of their education,
almost of their nature, and to it we women owe among other
things that priceless boon, the freedom to go about where
and in whatever way we please.
In no large European city is it safe or proper for a lady to
walk abroad alone; yet in America our women not only enjoy
this inestimable privilege, but many others of the same kind.
How great would be the surprise of a foreigner of distinction
if he should happen to catch a glimpse of the interior of a
Boston horse-car, at that time in the evening when ^the con-
tinued performances at the theatres and concert halls have
just come to an end ! If you should tell him that those
groups of ladies without any attendant cavalier belonged to
" Boston's best," and that the friendly horse-car would carry
them safe and unmolested almost to their very doors, he would
288 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
scarcely believe the testimony of his ears ! In New York,
with its large foreign population, ladies do not like to go out
in the evening without an escort ; but "in dear old Boston,
thanks to the Puritans, and to the glorious system of radiating
horse-cars, two or three ladies together can with perfect safety
and propriety go to lectures, concerts, etc. It goes without
saying that I am not now speaking of very young girls, who
should always be under the charge of some older person.
: Since we have this most desirable privilege of going out
henever we please to breathe the fresh air, we certainly
ought not to abuse it. Few things are more distasteful
than a party of young women making themselves conspicuous
in public places by loud talk and laughter. If they are care-
less enough to attract attention in this way they must not be
surprised if they bring upon themselves rude notice from
some of the other sex^
: There is a form of folly quite prevalent in New York which
ems to be peculiar to the place. It is for women who are
entirely respectable and well-behaved members of society to
imitate the dress of a fast and loud class, because they think it-
is rather knowing to do so. Thus, one will often see a middle-
aged, quiet-looking woman resplendent with gold-dyed hair
and a very showy costume, the incongruity between the gar-
ments and their wearer being quite startling. It seems per-
fectly incredible that such a woman should imagine her
theatrical appearance to be stylish, appropriate, and in " good
form ; " yet evidently this is her belief, for otherwise why
should she array herself after this manner? Xo one inten-
tionally makes a scarecrow of herself unless it be on the
stage. |
Great freedom of taste in the matter of street costume is
certainly allowed in this country. Fifty years ago Charles
Dickens commented on the bright colors and silk dresses worn
by ladies in the streets of our cities. The same phenomena
IN THE STREET. 289
v
may still be observed. Ladies of good taste and innate refine-
ment, however, now avoid wearing showy costume* and bril-
liant colors when they go out, especially when on a shopping
tour, or to visit the business part of a city. For walking or
paying visits on Fifth Avenue in New York, or Beacon
Street in Boston, it is allowable to dress more handsomely ;
but the tendency of fashion during the last few years has
been undeniably in the right direction, namely, toward '
wearing quiet and simple attire in the street.
In this country a lady does not take a gentleman's arm
when walking with him in the daytime. The protection it
gives is unnecessary, and American women always prefer to
be independent as far as possible. It was formerly the cus-
tom for a married or betrothed couple to walk arm-in-arm ;
but it is now thought old-fashioned to do so, especially for two
fiances. In the evening, a gentleman should always offer his
arm to the lady he is escorting, and she may accept it or not,
as she chooses ; in large cities, it is customary for her to
accept the courtesy. If a gentleman is walking with two
ladies, one only should take his arm, and both should walk
on the same side of him. The spectacle of a " Lynn couple,"
or a thorn between two roses, always makes people smile.
Where it is necessary for protection, however, or where the
ladies are infirm and elderly, or the walking very slippery, a
gentleman should not hesitate to offer an arm to each of them,
even if it may make him appear rather ridiculous to do so.
An English contemporary gravely remarks that no lady
should overtake the arms of two gentlemen at once, we
might add, unless she were learning to skate. When walking
with a lady, a gentleman takes the curbstone side of the
street and offers to carry any parcels she may have in her
hands. In a crowded thoroughfare he takes the left side,
to shield her from the elbows of passers-by. If she bows to
any lady or gentleman, he bows also, and removes his hat,
19
290 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
even if it be to salute a person with whom he is entirely un-
acquainted. He does this. as a token of respect to his com-
panion and her friends. A gentleman should always remove
his hat when bowing to a lady. He should do so with his
left hand in order to leave the right hand free, where he has
reason to expect that she will shake hands with him. If he
has no such expectation, he will take off his hat with the
hand that is farthest from her, unless it is especially incon-
venient to do so.
A lady always bows first in this country, as in England.
On the continent of Europe the reverse is the case. Where
a lady and gentleman know each other very well, the recogni-
tion is of course practically simultaneous ; but in the case of an
ordinary acquaintance the gentleman always waits until the
lady bows. It has been suggested that young men should
recall themselves to recollection by bowing first to ladies who
have entertained them, and who are older than themselves.
This might perhaps be permissible as an acknowledgment of
past hospitality; but if the lady were young, it would be
considered a great liberty. If a gentleman has a cigar in his
mouth, he always removes it before bowing to a lady, or if
he is very polite he throws it away. If his hands happen
to be in his pockets (a most ungraceful attitude) he will, of
course, take them out.
A gentleman should never stop a lady and keep her stand-
ing in the street while he talks with her. If he has some-
thing he wishes to say, and if he knows her sufficiently well
to warrant his doing so, he may turn and walk with her in
the direction in which she is going. This does not oblige
him to accompany her to her destiuation. On parting with
a lady, a gentleman must always raise his hat.
There is said to be an old and particularly dead law in
Boston which forbids smoking in the streets ! We have
changed all that many years ago ; but it is still considered bad
IN THE STREET. 291
form for a gentleman to smoke on streets that are used as
promenades, at the hours in which he will be likely to meet
many ladies. The same is true of public drives. It is very
uncommon to meet a gentleman smoking on Bellevue Avenue
at Newport. A gentleman should never smoke while walk-
ing with or talking to a lady in the street. Indeed, he should
never smoke anywhere in the presence of ladies, unless he
has received especial permission to do so.
It is very rude to " cut " people, and one should never do
it without very serious reasons. To return another person's
bow with a blank stare is simply inexcusable, unless that
person has committed some grave misdeed. It costs very
little to make a civil bow, and does not necessarily involve
even a calling acquaintance. Young people are sometimes
unnecessarily sensitive regarding street salutations, and
imagine themselves to have been slighted when they have
only not been seen. Absent-minded and near-sighted persons
frequently " cut " their friends without the least intention of
so doing. Particularly is this the case in the crowded streets
of a great city, where, unless one recognizes a person before-
hand, one often does not look at him as he passes, and there-
fore his bow, if he makes one, goes unseen. It is a great
mistake to fancy one's self " cut " when one is simply not recog-
nized. On all these accounts it is well to bow in a decided
manner, so that there may be no doubt about it. Some
people have a way of making such a slight movement of the
face it can hardly be called of the head that they virtu-
ally do not bow at all ; and this is not always done from
haughtiness, but often from extreme shyness.
When bowing in the street, the head only is bent and not the
body, according to modern usage, unless one wishes to show
great respect, or more than ordinary attention, to some person.
One should always return the salutations of servants or
tradespeople whom one meets in the street. It is not usual
292 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
to recognize in this way the clerks or salesmen of dry-goods
stores, nor would it indeed be considered proper for a young
lady to do so.
A gentleman can never, under any circumstances, " cut "
a lady. If he does not wish to continue her acquaintance,
his only resource is to avoid meeting her eyes ; even this
would be very ungentlemanly conduct, unless he should have
some very strong reason for it. He would have no excuse for
thus treating a lady who behaved and dressed as a lady
should. If a gentleman escorts a lady to her house he should
wait until she has been admitted before taking leave of her,
especially if it is after dark, and should not be content with
seeing her to the foot of the steps only.
When walking or driving on a public walk or promenade,
where the same people pass and repass each other many
times, it is not necessary to bow every time one meets a
friend or acquaintance. It is sufficient to bow once. One
gentleman does not usually remove his hat in bowing to an-
other gentleman, unless the latter is much older than him-
self, or is accompanied by a lady, when he removes it out
of respect for her. Young men should always be careful
that their greetings to men older than themselves are suffi-
ciently respectful. You may nod to a contemporary in age,
who is also your equal in position, if you know him well ;
but to one who is your superior in social or official posi-
tion, or who is your elder, it would be decidedly improper
to do so.
Gentlemen keep on their hats when they are in shops or at
the entrance of a theatre, etc., because they are supposed to
be passing through these places, or at best, making a very short
sojourn there. The etiquette in regard to the hat, therefore,
is like that of the street, and the same is true of the corridors
of a hotel. But in an elevator where there are ladies, a gentle-
man must always remove his hat, because the elevator is so
IX THE STREET. 293
small that it is like the room of a private house, where no
one would think of keeping his hat on.
Ten or twenty years ago there were still many elderly
gentlemen who saluted their friends and acquaintances by
touching the hat instead of by removing it ; but the grace with
which they performed this quasi-military salute, and the re-
spect expressed by the motion, made the salutation far more
deferential than the stiff bow of the modern dude, even though
the latter is always careful to remove his hat. Sometimes
these elderly gentlemen do not even touch their hats, but
make instead a graceful gesture with the hand.
The question whether or not gentlemen should give their
seats to ladies who are standing in the horse-cars, is such a
vexed one, and one that is so often discussed in print, that it
is not worth while to enter into it here in all its length and
breadth. Suffice it to say, that there are few, if any, truly
polite men who are satisfied to sit while women are standing
around them. They may argue against being obliged to give
up their seats, but in practice they do it. It would seem as
if there ought to be a little mutual forbearance and politeness
on both sides in this matter. Young men, unless they are
very tired after a hard day's work, have little excuse for
keeping their seats ; old men should not be expected to
leave theirs under ordinary circumstances. A man should
always offer his seat to an old woman, or to one who has an
infant in her arms. If he does not, he may feel rather
ashamed to see some woman show the politeness which it
was his place and privilege to extend. Women should never
seem in any way to claim a seat where there is none vacant.
It is very impolite to look at a man in such a way that he
shall feel compelled to offer his seat. Unless one is ill or
very much fatigued, it is better to accept the situation
cheerfully, and wait till some one gets out. If there is a
small boy in the car, a bribe of a few pennies will usually
294 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
secure his seat. A lady should always be careful to thank a
gentleman audibly -when he offers her his place. No gentle-
man should think of taking a seat that becomes vacant in a
car, until all the ladies who are standing are provided with
seats. A Boston woman, young and handsome, was riding
in a New York car recently, patiently awaiting her turn to sit
down. A seat was vacated, and she was on the point of tak-
ing it, when a young man dexterously slipped past her and
into it, smiling at the girls who were with him, as if he had
done a very clever thing. The Bostonian said to her friend,
" I would n't have believed that ; but then, we are in New
York in the nineteenth century ! " The rude youth heard her
words, turned scarlet, and looked sheepish enough.
A great deal of selfishness is shown on our railroads in the
matter of taking up an undue amount of room. Two or three
people will turn over seats, thus converting them into a sort
of private box, and will be very much provoked if some other
person claims the empty place, though there may not be an-
other one in the car. Others fill up the vacant half of a seat
with bundles, and look daggers when asked whether the seat
is engaged. If conductors would make it a rule that people
should pay for all the seats they occupy personally or with
bundles it would be an excellent thing. " Is this seat en-
gaged 1 ?" said one woman to another. "No; but there are
plenty of seats in the next car" said the seated one, in a dis-
obliging tone, calmly ignoring the fact that the train was al-
ready moving ! Commuters have a cheerful way of taking
up a whole seat for each man through the length of an entire
car. A party of ladies will enter, but it will seldom occur to
these gentlemen to change their places and allow the ladies
to sit together.
It is very difficult to ventilate a car in a way that will suit
everybody. Some people feel that they must have fresh air,
while others are at the same time shivering with cold. Any
IN THE STREET. 295
one who wishes to have a window open should always remem-
ber that, owing to the current made by the rapid motion of
the car, the person in the seat behind feels the draught much
more severely than the one sitting beside the open window.
It is neither polite nor right to expose another person to the
imminent danger of catching cold in this way, without first
asking him whether he objects to having the window opened.
The forward part of the car is always better ventilated than
the rear, because the fresh air is constantly drawn in there
by the motion, and the bad air is driven to the farther end
of the conveyance.
A friendly correspondent says : "I can usually infer the
breeding of a man or woman by the way in which either takes
a seat in a street-car. The individual who sits down care-
lessly, pushing those on either side, and with no avoidance
of such part of their clothing as may be within sitting dis-
tance, is underbred. The person who, on entering or leaving
a railroad car, neglects to close again the door which he finds
closed, is wanting in that consideration for others which is at
the bottom of true politeness. Aggravated (and aggravating)
instances of this are seen in cold weather, when people will
sometimes walk through a car leaving the door at either end
open."
CHAPTER XXXI.
PRIDE AND PARVENUS.
IF one circle of society is really better than and superior
to another, why is it not a laudable ambition for a man or
woman to wish to rise to that which is best ? Why does the
world laugh, good-naturedly or bitterly, according to its
mood, at those who strive to ascend the social ladder? The
world does not laugh at people who try to improve their
fortunes or strive to remedy the defects of their early educa-
tion ; but for the social aspirant - the parvenu it always
has a scornful word !
This attitude of society seems a very unjust and illogical
one to many ambitious persons, and they bewail long and
bitterly the snobbishness, the injustice, the overweening
pride which distinguishes the demeanor of the " ins " toward
the " outs." It is never safe, however, for the pot to call the
kettle black ; and if the attitude of society is illogical, is that
of the social climber any less so ?
" If one set of people is just as good as another, why are n't
you satisfied to stay where you are, and to remain in the cir-
cle where you were born and bred ? We grant you that all
men are free and equal, and we therefore consider that we
have a right to choose our own associates, and leave you to
choose yours. We regard society as a great club, where the
right of the blackball is sacred. Society would not be worthy
of the name if it possessed no safeguards against the intru-
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 297
sion of uncongenial persons ; it would degenerate into a mere
mob. The parties to a trial by jury have a right to challenge
peremptorily those whom they do not wish to have for jurors ;
we claim the same right, and the same privilege of with-
holding our reasons." In such words might the members of
the charmed circle reply to those who knock for admission ;
and if one asks why the parvenu is smiled at, the reasons
are not far to seek.
A parvenu, in the first place, is not a soldier who has been
promoted from the ranks for merit ; he is rather a deserter
from his own friends and belongings. He is a renegade, and
the world despises renegades and turncoats. Parvenus have
been defined as those who do not want to belong to their
own people, and do not in reality belong to any other.
Thus it will be seen that a man who rises in the social
scale because he deserves to rise, is not necessarily a parvenu.
The man of high talent, the great general, the successful poli-
tician, need make no effort to go into society. Society comes
to them, and is only too happy to secure their presence at all
fetes. Such men are no parvenus, and are not considered in
that odious light. The parvenu is the man who has succeeded
in society, succeeded because of his own efforts. He has
been the active agent of his own elevation ; he has sought
it, and sought it at the expense of old ties, old friendships.
Like the woman in the story, who flung her children to the
wolves to save her own life, the parvenu will sacrifice not
only his wife's relations, but most of his own, to the Moloch
of gentility. His conduct is virtually that of Trabb's boy ;
he says " I don't know you " to every one save the few peo-
ple whom he considers it desirable to know.
Your true parvenu is not a man who wishes to raise all
mankind to the same high level, or even to pull them down
to a lower level. He is no democrat very far from it. All
that he wishes is to raise himself, and when he has once
298 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
attained the coveted position, he instantly reverses his tactics.
His efforts then are all directed downward instead of upward.
He wishes to push away the ladder by which he has himself
climbed, and to prevent any one else from following in his
footsteps. The parvenu is wondrously exclusive ; he knows
by his own experience that social barriers can be forced, and
it grieves him excessively if others leap in through the gap
which he has made !
v.
He is usually a bold, persistent person, who has taken the
social world by storm; he stands where he has longed to
stand ; he has conquered all weapons employed against him,
save that last unconquerable weapon, the defence of all intel-
lect against brute strength, ridicule. Satire has ever been
the dread of tyrants, the refuge of oppression. With its lash
Horace, Juvenal, and Persius scourged the wickedness and
folly of their times, while Rabelais and Chaucer attacked
with it the rottenness and corruption of the Church, where-
of no man durst then openly complain. Nay, why else was
Socrates put to death, save because he wielded the flashing
blade of ridicule as no one has been able to do before or
since 1
In the words of the little Queen Anne's man :
Yes, I am proud; I must be proud to see
Men not afraid of God, afraid of me :
Safe from the bar, the pulpit, and the throne,
Yet touch'd and sham'd by ridicule alone.
sacred weapon ! left for truth's defence,
Sole dread of folly, vice, and insolence !
To all but heav'n-directed hands deny'd,
The Muse may give thee, but the gods must guide.
POPE : Epilogue to the Satires.
Therefore when society has been conquered by some ruth-
less invader, what wonder if it falls back on its last resource,
a smile, and thus declares that the conqueror shall never
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 299
win its respect, though he may have succeeded in forcing
himself into an undesired fellowship !
The stories that are related at the expense of parvenus
show the esteem in which they are held, how this one
" drew the line " at his own brother, when making out a list
of invitations for a great ball ; how that one " cut " all his old
friends as soon as he had safely secured a position among
more advantageous acquaintances.
Shakspeare, in " A Winter's Tale," gives us a bit of his
delightful and inimitable satire, at the expense of those who
have been suddenly elevated by a freak of fortune.
" Clown. You denied to fight with me this other day, because I was
no gentleman born. See you these clothes ? say you see them not and
think me still no gentleman born : you were best to say these robes are
not gentlemen born : give me the lie, do, and try whether I am not
now a gentleman born.
' ' Autolycus. I know you are now, sir, a gentleman born.
" Clown. Ay, and have been so any time these four hours.
" Shep. And so have I, boy.
" Clown. So you have: but I was a gentleman born before my father ;
for the king's son took me by the hand, and called me brother ; and
then the two kings called my father brother ; and then the prince my
brother and the princess my sister called my father father ; and so we
wept, and there was the first gentlemanlike tears that ever we shed."
Thackeray, in his " Diary of C. Jeames de la Pluche," has
followed out somewhat the same train of thought, but at
greater length, and with more elaboration. The following
account of Jeames's presentation at court hides a keen thrust
at the toadyism and snobbishness of mankind in general,
while it pretends to attack only the folly of the poor silly
footman, who has completely lost his head in his sudden
exaltation.
" You, per'aps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth
the suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown.
But I am not one who would gratafy imputtniitt curaiosaty.
300 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
Rispect for our reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty.
I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown.
" Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts
when I sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that
Most Gracious Prins, to admire womb has been the chief
Objick of my life, my bnsum was seased with an imotium
which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe my trembling knees
halmost rifused their horn's I reckleck nothing mor until
I was found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamberling.
Sir Robert Peal apnd to be standing by (I knew our wuthy
Primmier by Punch's pictures of him, igspecially his ligs) and
he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall say nothink,
but that he is a Hero of 100 fites, and hevery fite he fit he one.
Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wellingting 1 I intro-
juiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the
equaintance, and per'aps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy."
While we laugh at the absurd airs and ridiciilous affec-
tations of the footman turned gentleman, Thackeray takes
good care to show us the greater worldliness, the more
unpardonable folly, of those who receive the parvenu into
their society solely because of his wealth, and cater to the
insolence of a low-bred lackey in the hope of furthering their
own fortunes.
The parvenu could never succeed in forcing an entrance
! into the citadel of good society, were there not traitors among
the garrison ready to aid and abet him, people quite will-
ing to barter the influence of their social position for the gold
or the gifts of their new associate. Therefore the parvenu
has quite as good a right to despise his new-found and mer-
cenary acquaintances as they have to look down upon him.
Indeed, his contempt is more justifiable than theirs, because
he has forced these people to falsify their own traditions,
abandon their own theories, and stoop from their own delib-
erately chosen position, they, the men of culture, educa-
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 301
tion, and high-breeding, and all in favor of one whose
advantages, save in the single point of money, have been far
inferior to their own. The higher the sinner stands, so much
the greater is his sin. Where a high-born family accept a rich
boor for their son-in-law, who can pity them if he walks over
their sensibilities and their prejudices rough-shod 1 ? They
must have known that he would do so ; and it is a part of
their just punishment that they should become " doormats
under the feet" of the coarse Croesus whose ingots they
basely coveted.
To do justice to the nouveaux-riches, it is not always they
who make the first overtures to what is technically termed
society. Society, or certain emissaries thereof, sometimes go
to them, knocking at their gates and asking leave to come
into their ample halls. In this case the newly rich man is
not obliged to abandon his dignity, but merely yields grace- 1
fully to the force of circumstances.
No one would advise such a man to take up his abode in
the good city of Boston, however, under the influence of any
such delusive hope. If he had the wealth of the Rothschilds,
the Vanderbilts, and the Astors all rolled into one, he might
live to be as old as Methusaleh/but he would never be in-
vited to join the fashionable set, unless he made the first
advances himself, and made them, be it said, with the great-
est circumspection. The fashionable society of the grand old
Puritan city cannot but have something of the sternness
which characterizes the native land of conscience ; it is to
lie feared that they use that sternness chiefly toward out-
siders, "and slay them with their noble birth."
New people have found their way into the most aristo-
cratic circles of Boston, but they have got in through the
back-door of Europe, or gone around by the way of New-
port or Mount Desert. No one ever yet went boldly up to the
front door of Beacon Street, and struck with the lance's-point
302 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
on the shield which hangs there ever ready for the fray, no
one ever did this, and lived to tell the tale. At least, he never
cared to tell the only tale which he could truthfully unfold,
because it was full of sorrow and defeat.
But e'en the failings of the dear old city lean to virtue's
side ; she never could submit to conquest in the days of
Bunker Hill and Lexington, and she does n't mean to now.
On the whole, it is a proud boast of Boston, that she does
not allow her most exclusive circles to be invaded as readily
as do other cities ; and more than one ambitious family has
left her precincts in despair of ever achieving social success
there.
But if it be legitimate for certain people to refuse to grant
to others coveted social privileges, there are still various ways
in which that refusal may be expressed, some courteous, and
some just the reverse of courteous. " One would rather be
trodden upon by a velvet slipper than by a wooden shoe,"
said some one apropos of the French Revolution ; and there
is a way of saying " no " that takes half the sting from that
bitter monosyllable.
Among the weapons that exclusive people take to keep
others at a distance, none is more aggravating, none is more
unpleasant, than a species of haughty stare, a look of half-
suppressed pride and disdain, with which many women
and especially many young women disfigure their counte-
nances. To do them justice, they probably are not aware of
their own expression; but it is the hidden thought, the
inward feeling of superiority, that betrays itself unbidden on
the face. And the cruellest use of this weapon is when it is
employed in a reckless and indiscriminating way against the
innocent and the guilty alike.
A young lady will walk abroad, armed and protected by
this Gorgon's-head expression of countenance, and during her
progress she will distribute it right and left, bestowing it
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 303
not only on people whom she does not know, but on people
who do not know her, and do not even know who she is,
save that she assumes the air of the Great Mogul himself.
How wise were the ancient Athenians when they set forth
in their fable that only one of the Gorgons was mortal, but
that the remaining two of the dread sisters could not perish !
It has seemed to some of us, when walking the streets of our
native Boston, that those two old Gorgons were indeed alive,
alive in modern Athens, and that their beautiful, cold,
cruel faces, young but stony, still petrified the men and
women whom they encountered !
Nor is it in Boston alone that one finds the sin of pride
openly written on the human brow. Even in small towns
and villages one may often observe persons whose air seems
to say, " I own, if not the whole earth, certainly all that is
worth speaking of." And to those who seriously contemplate
assuming this high-toned expression of countenance, per-
haps a word of warning may not come amiss. Do not try
to look as if you owned " all creation " unless you are per-
fectly sure that you do. The least failure in this grand
attempt, the least wavering in your look, will be fatal to
your pretensions.
It goes without saying that the undisguised and therefore
most offensive look of pride, what Dickens called the " turn-
up-nosed peacock " expression, is seldom if ever seen, except
on the face of some parvenu, or some newly rich person, whose
recently acquired fortune has had an unhappy effect on the
angle of his nasal elevation.
The true aristocrat, the man who has inherited from his
ancestors a high social position, may not be lacking in pride,
but he does not consider it necessary to express it constantly
in his manner and bearing, to go about exasperating his fellow-
mortals by a constant assumption of superiority over them.
He is, on the contrary, indisposed both by nature and train-
304 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
ing to injure the feelings of any one else. "Noblesse
oblige " is his motto, and it obliges, above all other things, to
perfect civility of demeanor and speech. The true aristocrat
is so sure of his own position that he does not need to bolster
it up by haughty looks or words.
~~ There are plenty of exceptions to this rule, in the case of
men whose souls are little and mean, and who are vulgarians
at heart, in whatever station in life they may happen to
have been born ; just as among those who are of the most
humble birth and breeding there is occasionally to be found
a man whose natural nobility of character and native refine-
ment stamp him as one of nature's gentlemen.
Burns belonged to the latter class. The letters of this
most unfortunate man of genius are full of just and bitter
indignation at the neglect, the contempt with which he was
too often treated. As Carlyle says, in his noble eulogium of
the peasant poet, mankind could find nothing better to do
with this wonderful man than to make a ganger of him !
In our own country we have no recognized aristocracy, no
absolutely superior class, and we have reason to be devoutly
thankful therefor. But our democratic form of society is
(attended with some evils, and one of these is the boundless
self-assertion with which many people strive to eke out what
else were very insufficient claims to social pre-eminence.
They know, at the bottom of their hearts, that they have no
real right to the superiority which they would fain assume ;
hence they strive, by an arrogant bearing, by an aping of
the faults of the aristocracies of European countries, to put
themselves on a level with these latter. They forget that
the higher the station, the greater are its obligations. An
hereditary nobility without refinement, grace, or a sense of
duty and responsibility, with no claim to elevated rank save
that of boundless pride, would not long be endured by any
country. Its members may often be profligate and morally
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 305
worthless ; but even such unworthy scions of a noble race
know that amiability and graciousness are expected of them,
why else the title l ' Your Grace " ? When we come to royalty,
it is very plain that even the puppet kings and queens of
England pay dearly for their exalted station, by the sacrifice
of their own time, tastes, and pleasures, by the wretched
condition of dress parade, and the continual appearance in
public, which is rigorously exacted of them.
Hence the spectacle of one set of people claiming to be like
another simply because they have produced a fair imitation
of the faults of the latter, is about as absurd as if a scare-
crow should claim to be like a man because he too wore a
coat and hat !
While pride, as a weapon of offence, is entirely out of place
in civilized society, there is still a certain species of it,
what people call proper pride, which a self-respecting man
has a perfect right to use as a shield against impertinence or
over-familiarity. There are persons in this world who will
take advantage of the courtesy with which they are treated,
to assume a familiarity that the acquaintanceship in no wise
warrants, toward those whom they know very slightly. Such
persons have only themselves to blame if they are snubbed.
To be perfectly polite and courteous, and to be " hail fellow,
well met " with everybody one meets, are two very different
matters.
The rebuke of the young King Henry V. to the impertinent
greeting of Falstaff is a famous instance of a richly-deserved
reprimand, not of vice only, but of undue familiarity as
well. Yet the royal Harry was not filled with an overween-
ing pride of place. He was the darling of his soldiery, not for
his skill and bravery alone, but for his humane and generous
temper as well. His oft-quoted epitaph on Falstaff,
" Poor Jack, farewell !
I could have better spared a better man,"
20
306 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
shows his real appreciation of the wit and genial humor of
his famous companion.
In the same way, when our friend Jeames is treated with
hauteur by Captain George Silvertop, we feel that the gallant
Captain is in the right, though our sympathies are with the
eloquent Jeames.
" ' Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gintlemen in whiskers
and mistashes standing by, 'hadn't you better take your
spurs out of the Countess of Bareacres' train ? ' ' Never mind
mamma's train ' (said Lady Hangelina), ' this is the great
Mr. De la Pluche let me present you to Captain George
Silvertop.' The Capting bent just one jint of his back very
slitely ; I retund his stare with equill hottiness."
The man who goes about the world enraging everybody by
his ill-concealed pride and arrogance, is like a householder
who throws hot water out of the window on the inoffensive
passers-by. But the man who only appears haughty when
he is treated with unwarrantable familiarity, may be likened
to the householder who knows that his house is his castle,
and will not permit trespassers therein. " It makes my blood
boil to be treated with the supercilious manner which Mr.
puts on toward me because he is rich and I am poor," said an
intelligent young man not long since.
Oh, men and women on whom fortune has smiled, do you
realize how cruel you are to use the success which Providence
has given you, as a two-edged weapon with which to stab and
thrust back those who are less fortunate than yourselves ?
You do not, I am sure you do not; for if you did, you
would remember that it is the arrogance of the victor which
makes defeat bitter to the vanquished. Surely success should
bring smiles and happiness, not frowns and arrogance. How
well did the ancient Romans understand the weakness and
pride of the human heart when they placed the slave, with
his " memento mori," in the triumphal car of the conqueror !
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 307
Thackeray had a theory that snobbishness was universal;
that every one was more or less of a snob at heart. It seems
to me that the great satirist had studied this odious phase of
human character so long, that his view had become somewhat
jaundiced thereby. Might we not say more truly that snob-
bishness is a sort of fever which every one has at some period
of his existence'? Many people recover from it after one
dreadful attack, which always occurs between the ages of
fifteen and twenty-five. Others, again, are subject to an inter-
mittent variety of snobbishness ; while to some persons it
clings with the persistence of a true malaria, and they are
never wholly free from its malign influence.
Human nature is too full of varied emotions to be treated
as if it were a one-stringed fiddle playing the same old tune
everlastingly. We are not always under the dominion of the
same faults, any more than we are always swayed by the same
virtues. There were seven devils who entered the house
spoken of in Scripture ; and while Snobbishness is certainly a
very large and powerful devil, it is not the only one of its
tribe. Indeed, it may be considered in the light of a single
manifestation of two evil forces, selfishness and cowardice.
A man is a snob first, because he is afraid of what other
people may say of him ; and second, because he is selfish and
wishes to advance his own way in the world.
It seems a little singular that youth should be the time of
life which is more subject than any other to this form of moral
cowardice ; because in the mere matter of physical courage
young people are very superior to their elders. But youth is
very selfish in many ways, though full of noble and generous
emotions if the right chords are only touched. The young
man, newly released from the pleasant bondage of childhood,
sees the whole world suddenly placed within his reach, as
he thinks. At the same time it is revealed to him, as by a
flash of light, that mankind attach great importance to the out-
308 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
ward shows and forms of things, a truth which is entirely
concealed from the clear and beautiful vision of childhood. So
the young man, filled with a desire to grasp the sxim of earthly
happiness, and over-estimating the importance of what we call
"appearances," because he has just found out that they
are of any consequence at all, becomes a good deal of a snob
in minor and outward matters. He suffers tortures if he is
obliged to do anything except " what everybody else does,"
or if he is obliged to appear in any way unlike other people.
But a child never troubles its happy little heart about what
people will think or say, or about its own appearance. A
pretty little girl of twelve fell down on the ice some years
ago and broke out one of her front teeth. Her relatives were
very much troubled at this misfortune, and at the sad havoc
that it made in the little lady's beauty. But she herself
was perfectly serene as soon as the pain had subsided, and
tried in vain to understand why her friends were troubled.
She had plenty of teeth left, she said, and it did not hurt
now!
The torments which parents endure from the extraordinary
sensitiveness to appearances which afflicts their growing sons
and daughters, would be pathetic were they not so universal.
The young people suddenly discover that the charming
roomy old mansion in which they have been brought up is
shabby and otd-fashioned. The family carryall, in which
they have driven sleepily to clmrch from their earliest in-
fancy, is changed in the twinkling of an eye from an easy-
going, delightful old vehicle, to a hopelessly decrepit rattle-
trap. The horse is condemned, without appeal, as old, fat,
and lame, and the driver is not half spruce enough, he
must have a tall hat, mutton-chop whiskers, top-boots, and
livery, without delay.
As to the young lady and gentleman themselves, of course
their raiment is found to be hopelessly out of style, and noth-
PRIDE AND PARVENUS. 309
ing but the services of the most expensive tailors for both
sexes can make them feel in any degree satisfied with their
own appearance. A domestic revolution takes place very
promptly ; poor paterfamilias puts on a very rueful face,
and wishes that if young people must be discontented with
their clothes, like Cinderella, that they would at least follow
her example by providing their own fairy godmother.
The doctrine that fine feathers make fine birds seems to
be a very old one. In a delightful ballad, which must be
nearly as old as the wars between Stephen and Mathilda,
and from which Shakspeare quotes, we find these verses :
HE.
Bell, my wiffe, why dost thou floute ?
Now is nowe, and then was then :
Seeke now all the world throughout
Thou kenst not clownes from gentleman,
They are cladd in blacke, greane, yellowe, or gray,
Soe far above their own degree :
Once in my life He doe as they ;
For lie have a new cloake about mee.
King Stephen was a worthy peere,
His breeches cost him but a crowne ;
He held them sixpence all too deere,
Therefore he calld the taylor lowne.
He was a wight of high renowne,
And thouse but of a low degree,
Itts pride that putts the countrye downe,
Man, take thine old cloake about thee.
CHAPTER XXXII.
THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN.
WHEN we read of the manners and customs of by-gone
times, nothing pleases us so much as to come across some
little trait of character or some observance which reminds us
of our own day. We see demonstrated perhaps for the
thousandth time the essential brotherhood of man, the
oneness of human nature, ancient and modern. The imagi-
nation bridges over the intervening centuries between our
own days and those of old with a rapidity which throws the
operations of military bridge-builders far into the shade.
We seem to walk and talk with spirits long vanished from
the earth.
" One touch of nature makes the whole world kin," as Shak-
speare undoubtedly said, though the humaritarian vanity of
the nineteenth century has lately put it into the head of a
writer to say that the great poet did not intend this famous
passage to be read in the sense ordinarily ascribed to it
that Shakspeare builded better than he knew ! Truly, in
none but a conceited epoch like the present would any one
dare to limit the imagination of a Shakspeare, or have the
presumption to declare that the poet who understood human
nature from A to Izzard, needed a lesson in its essential
nobility from the era of penny-a-liners !
The antiquarian spirit within us certainly delights in odd
discoveries, and in the bringing to light of curious facts in
THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 311
regard to by-gone days. When in these ancient legends we
find the prototypes or the origin of things well known
to ourselves, then is our historical happiness made perfect ;
we revel in facts at once strange and familiar, and the archae-
ologist and philosopher in our breasts are both well satisfied.
We feel as does the philologist who is studying some new
language, and who rejoices greatly whenever he discovers an
old familiar word masquerading under a new form.
Thus it is truly delightful to find eras of Jeffersonian sim-
plicity constantly recurring throughout history, to be as con-
stantly succeeded, alas ! by periods of profusion and prodigality.
The reign of Philip Augustus of France (the contemporary of
Richard Cceur-de-Lion) inaugurated a day of economy among
kings and princes, made necessary by the enormous outlays
for the machinery of war, arrows, helmets, chariots, etc.,
and for the pay of men-at-arms demanded by the crusades.
Philip never made any considerable displays of magnificence
save on occasions of state, and had only a few personal at-
tendants, a chancellor, a chaplain, an esquire, a cup-bearer,
some knights of the Temple, and a few sergeants-at-arms
comprising all the officers of the palace. The king and
the princes changed their garments only three times a year,
at the Feast of Saint Andrew (the last day of November),
on Christmas, and at the Feast of the Assumption. They wore
simple raiment, the king's royal mantle of scarlet being ap-
parently the one piece of genuine finery ; certainly it was the
one jewelled garment that existed at court, and this was
only worn on grand occasions. The royal children slept
in sheets made of a species of serge, and their mirses wore
dark robes made of a woollen material called " brunette."
Philip the Handsome was economical as long as his first
wife, Jane of Navarre, lived ; an ordinance to the niattre
d'hdtel of his time empowers that functionary "to buy all
the clothes and furs for the king, to keep the key of the
312 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
wardrobes, to know how much cloth was given to the tailors,
and to verify the accounts when the tailors were paid."
A much more modern instance of royal economy for wise
purposes is found in Frederick the Great's melting into silver
dollars the staircase of solid silver built by his grandfather.
Indeed, the traditions of the house of Hohenzollern favor a
rugged simplicity of life which would not be endured for a
moment by any wealthy inhabitant of our luxurious republic.
The narrow camp-bedstead, the simple wash-stand, etc., of the
Emperor of Germany would be scorned by any American
whose income was a thousand dollars a year !
Queen Victoria herself has been sometimes charged with
penuriousness, although it seems impossible that any very
mean person should put lace worth eighty thousand dollars
(if I mistake not the figure) into the royal rag-bag, where it
was discovered by the sharp eyes of her devoted youngest
daughter. However, there is no doubt that the wax-candles
from the Royal Palace are regularly sold to the outside world,
since it is contrary to etiquette to light them a second time.
Let us hope, however, that the Queen does not directly profit
by the sale of the " palace ends," as they are called.
It is interesting to learn that Lord Chesterfield's celebrated
Advice to his Son had a prototype as early as the end of the
fourteenth century, in a book of instructions written by one
Geoffroi de la Tour-landry, an Angevin nobleman, for the
benefit of his three daughters. This anxious father, wishing
his daughters to have prudence and wisdom as safeguards to
their beauty, gave a number of rules for their conduct, inter-
spersed with anecdotes by way of illustration.
One of these reminds us of the well-known story of General
Washington and the negro. " I have seen a great lady take
off her ' chaperon ' [a sort of hood] and salute a simple ' tail-
landier ' [edge-tool maker] ; when some one expressed surprise
at this proceeding, the lady replied, ' I prefer to have been too
THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 313
courteous to this man, rather than to have shown the least
impoliteness to a chevalier.' " It seems a strange notion to
us, that of a lady removing her head -gear when about
to make a salutation. Knight says that the chaperon or
hood of this period was of a most indescribable shape, and
was sometimes worn over the capuciurn, or cowl ; thus it
may have been thrown back, to show the features of the
wearer.
The eldest daughter of this discreet father lived an exem-
plary life, but the second one was much addicted to feasting
and gayety, and arose in the middle of the night, like a
naughty school-girl, to stuff herself with good things. Her
husband followed and discovered her, and was so much
enraged that he beat her with a stick, a fragment whereof
flew off and injured her eye ; after which, the old chronicler
naively says, he was less fond of her !
The chastisement of the youn^' by their parents we know
to have been highly approved of in King Solomon's time,
and no doubt long before ; but there is a curious anecdote
that deserves mention in regard to Anne of Austria, regent
of France, and the frequent whippings which she bestowed
on her son Louis Quatorze. The Queen always accom-
panied the floggings with profound reverences, which she con-
sidered as due to the future king of France, till one day he
cried out, "Ah, Madame, not so many reverences or so many
whippings ! "
The modern diner & la Russe seems to have existed in a
rudimentary form as long ago as the time of Herodotus.
That historian says of the Persians : " They are moderate at
their meals, but eat of many after dishes, and those not served
up together. On this account the Persians say that the Greeks
rise hungry from table, because nothing worth mentioning is
brought in after dinner, and that if anything were brought
in they would not leave off eating."
314 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
It is pleasant to learn that the Yankees are not the only
nation who connect the destruction of sticks with the making
of a bargain. The Zulu does not, to be sure, whittle a stick
while dickering Avith his savage brother; but he puts a piece
of wood in his mouth and chews it, hoping by this symbolic
act to soften the heart of the man from whom he wishes to
buy oxen. In the same way stick-chewing constitutes a
part of his wooing, and is thought to soften the hard heart
of his dark-skinned lady-love. This is reversing the old
Hebrew tradition in accordance with which the rejected
lover broke a wand over his knee when his mistress wedded
another man.
Many people consider that the witchcraft of ancient days
was an early manifestation of modern spiritualism, and it is
certainly rather startling to find in John Bale's sixteenth
century interlude, an account of stools and earthen pots moving
about, much after the fashion of our modern table-tipping.
" Theyr wells I can up drye,
Cause trees and herbes to dye,
And alee all pultereye,
Whereas men doth me move :
I can make stoles to daunce,
And earthen pottes to praunce,
That none shall them enhaunce,
And do but cast my glove."
N. B. It is evident from this passage that in the days of
Elizabeth the Boston or broad pronunciation of " dance " and
similar words existed in England. Witchcraft is said to
have been known in Europe in the centuries preceding
the tenth, but it had no especial prominence. Charlemagne
anticipated the tolerance of the nineteenth century by more
than a thousand years ! This wise and powerful monarch,
far from persecuting witches, like a Sewall or a Cotton
Mather, enacted laws directed against such people as should
put men or women to death on the charge of witchcraft.
THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 315
Among the superstitions which still survive even in the
minds of educated people, a notable one is the fear that
the building a new house will cause a death in the family.
This seems undoubtedly to be a survival of the old barbarian
belief that a victim must be buried under a new building in
order to make it stand. History gives numerous instances of
varying forms of this belief, from the folly of which even
highly-civilized people are not exempt.
The custom of consulting old women, and one's acquain-
tance generally, in cases of illness, is a very ancient one,
though perhaps no nation save the Babylonians ever recog-
nized this sort of quackery as the best mode of treatment for
disease. Herodotus says : "They bring out their sick to the
market-place, for they have no physicians ; then those who
pass by the sick person confer with him about the disease,
to discover whether they have themselves been afflicted with
the same disease as the sick person or have seen others so
afflicted . . . and advise him to have recourse to the same
treatment as that by which they have escaped a similar dis-
ease." He adds that no one was allowed to pass by a sick
person in silence. This was certainly applying the doctrine
of Moliere's " Le Medecin malgre lui " to a whole nation !
Every one knows the delightful proposition made by a
writer in our own century to shut up boys in barrels or
otherwise during the odious period of hobbledehoydom ;
and it is both curious and instructive to find our all-wise
Shakspeare expressing the same wish, though with greater
mildness. He says in " A Winter's Tale" : "I would there
was no age between ten and three-and-twenty ; or that youth
would sleep out the rest." Whence we may reasonably infer
that the young fellows of that day were very much like the
troublesome boys of our own time.
When we come to speak of amusements, we find that many
of our games have been played for hundreds of years, and
316 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
some were known to the ancient Greeks and Romans. Virgil
describes a whipping-top, and Pliny tells about a rich woman
who was very fond of playing chess. Bagatelle was played
three or four hundred years ago under the name of Trou-
madame, or Pigeon-holes. An old treatise on Buxton baths,
in describing the amusements of the place, says : "The
ladies, gentlewomen, wives, maids, if the weather be not
agreeable, may have in the end of a bench eleven holes
made, into the which to troule pummits, either violent or
soft, after their own discretion ; the pastime troule in ma-
dame is termed."
An illumination of the fifteenth century shows Louis XL
of France playing checkers with his courtiers. They are
represented as sitting on hard wooden benches and playing
on a bare wooden table. Despite the presence of the king,
and the fact that the scene is apparently within doors, all
wear their hats. These look like low-crowned Derbys, or soft
felt hats.
Two centuries earlier we find gentlemen of quality amus-
ing themselves with backgammon, checkers, and chess, " to
which certain chevaliers consecrated all their leisure."
Playing-cards were used by Charles VI. of France, and an
entry in the account-book of his treasurer, about the year 1393,
mentions this item : " Fifty-six sols of Paris given to Jacque-
min Gringonneur, painter, for three packs of cards, gilt and
colored, and of different sorts, for the diversion of his Majesty."
An old manuscript copy of "Renard le Contrefait" would
seem to prove that cards Avere known in France -about the
year 1340, or six years before the battle of Cressy, where fire-
arms were used for the first time.
The fact that gunpowder and the " Devil's pictured books "
came into use at the same period might perhaps furnish an
additional argument to those who contend that cards are an
invention of the Evil One. " A youth of frolics, an old ago
THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 317
of cards," said Pope. But Thackeray understood the matter
much better. In his " Roundabout Papers " he says :
" If I had children to educate, I would at ten or twelve
years of age have a professor or professoress of whist for them,
and cause them to be well grounded in that great and useful
game. You cannot learn it well when you are old, any more
than you can learn dancing or billiards. ... A waste of
time, my good people ! Allans ! What do elderly home-
keeping people do of a night after dinner \ Darby gets his
newspaper, my dear Joan her ' Missionary Magazine,'
and don't you know what ensues '? Over the arm of Darby's
arm-chair the paper flutters to the ground unheeded, and he
performs the trumpet obbligato que vous savez on his old
nose. My dear old Joan's head nods over her sermon
(awakening though the doctrine may be). Ding, ding,
ding ; can that be ten o'clock 1 It is time to send the
servants to bed, my dear, and to bed master and mistress
go too. But they have not wasted their time playing at
cards, oh no ! . . . Not play at whist ? ' Quelle triste
vieillesse vous vous preparez ! ' were the words of the great
and good Bishop of Autun."
The art of dancing in the Middle Ages had not yet attained
the degree of intricacy which marks our modern german.
From miniatures of that period it would seem that ordinary
dancing consisted simply of forming large rounds or circles,
in which people turned around, and swayed themselves in
cadence, observing the measure of the music.
Some curious dances also are illustrated in ancient books,
such as the torch dance, and the famous dance of satyrs,
which caused a fearful accident at the court of France in 1392.
Froissart describes how a squire of Normandy devised six
coats made of linen cloth covered with pitch, and thereon
flax-like hair. The king and five noblemen put these on ;
"and when they were thus arrayed in these sad coats, and
318 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
sewed fast in them, they seemed like wild woodhouses
[savages] full of hair from the top of the head to the sole
of the foot." All the varlets holding torches were com-
manded to stand up by the walls, and none of them to
approach near to the woodhouses that should come thither
to dance. They were so disguised in flax that no man kne\v
them ; five of them were fastened one to another ; the king
was loose, and went before and led the device.
The Duke of Orleans was so anxious to find out who the
dancers were, that he placed a torch so near the satyrs that
the flax took fire ; all were burned to death save the king
and one other, who fled to the " botry " and cast himself
into a vessel full of water wherein they rinsed pots, and
thus saved himself. " The Duchess of Berry delivered the
king from that peril, for she did cast over him the train of
her gown and covered him from the fire."
The boat-races of antiquity seem to have excited almost as
much contemporaneous interest as the international yacht-
races of our day. Virgil, in his account of the games at
the tomb of Anchises, describes how the owner of one of
the boats became so enraged at his pilot for not hugging the
turning-stake (in this case a rock) as much as he thought
proper, that he pitched the unfortunate man into the sea,
and every one laughed at the luckless navigator when he
finally succeeded in climbing on to the rock, panting for
breath, and dripping with sea-water. In the same account
Virgil describes the terrible ccestus, or ancestor of our modern
boxing-glove, which consisted of seven thicknesses of bull's
hide, strengthened with lead and iron, and sometimes adorned
with brass knuckles. The imagination shudders at the
thought of what the great John L. would be able to accom-
plish arrayed in these terrible gauntlets. In the Iliad they
are called " the gloves of death ; " and so dangerous was
the contest with these " iron hands," that both Homer and
THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. 319
Virgil dwell on the difficulty of inducing heroes to enter the
ancient prize-ring, where prizes were provided for the van-
quished as well as for the victor.
There is not space enough left in this chapter to speak at
length of the follies in dress of ancient times, or to solve the
difficult problem of the date and origin of the first dude. Rich-
ard II. of England was perhaps the greatest fop of his century ;
and by a somewhat singular coincidence his reign was filled with
labor troubles and commotions, very much as is our own Age
of Dudes. The shoes, also, were worn with very long points
or pikes, like an exaggeration of those we have lately seen.
Eichard " had a coat estimated at thirty thousand marks, the
value of which must chiefly have arisen from the quantity
of precious stones with which it was embroidered, such being
one of the many extravagant fashions of the time." The
wearing of enormous sleeves reaching almost to the feet was
another foolish habit of this period, against which Chaucer and
his contemporaries all inveighed. John of Gaunt, the founder
of the house of Lancaster, did not yield to the follies of
dress prevalent in his nephew's reign, but wore a sleeve tight
to the wrist, with a sort of balloon above the elbow.
Foreign as well as native writers bear witness to the
foppery of the English at or about this time. Paul Lacroix
relates an anecdote of a French lord to whom some one had
spoken disparagingly of the fashion of his wife's dress. " T
wish my wife dressed like the good ladies of France, and not
like those of England," replied the worthy gentleman. " It
was the latter who first introduced into Brittany wide
borders, bodices divided at the hip, and hanging sleeves."
In the reign of King John of England a century earlier
the beaux curled and crisped their hair with irons. They
.seldom wore caps, but bound slight fillets around their heads,
as they wished their " crimps " to be seen and admired.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. WASHINGTON CUSTOMS.
IT has been said that the aim of education should be to
teach a person how to study. The young man who gradu-
ates from college has still no doubt much to learn, but the
key of future knowledge has been put into his hand.
He knows where to look for information on various points ;
he has been placed on the right road, and it will be his
own fault if he does not keep to it. Herein he has a great
advantage over the self-educated man, who wanders blindly
and without compass over vast fields of (to him) unclassified
information. It is wonderful what we can all find in books,
pictures, or the face of Nature, when we have once learned
what to look for. The diver cannot find the pearl unless he
knows where the oyster lies.
It is with this hope the hope that I may have been able
to place the reader on the right track, to turn his face in the
right direction that I now prepare to bring this little
volume to a close. Xo one ever learned the art of dancing,
swimming, or fencing, or the secret of a courtly and polished
manner, from the study of books alone. These can give but
the theory, and practice must be added to theory to make it
perfect. Carlyle points out, in a very striking passage, that
in every art and trade there is much that has never been
and never will be written down, but is transmitted from one
generation of artists and mechanics to another, a visible
HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 321
tradition, if I may be allowed the expression. Thus a lost
art or trade can never in the nature of things be resusci-
tated, though it is sometimes rediscovered.
An additional difficulty in the way of fixing upon paper the
open secret of what constitutes good manners is, that our
manners, like our language, are constantly undergoing changes.
The spirit alone of true courtesy remains always the same,
and he who builds the edifice of his behavior on this founda-
tion builds on a rock.
What are the qualifications that best fit a person for mak-
ing himself agreeable in society 1 Are they not tact, wit, and
good spirits ? The most important of these and perhaps
the rarest is tact. The man of tact is not of necessity
false and insincere, although very downright people like
to call him so. Say rather he is a person who possesses
an infinite power of silence ; a ready steersman, who can
always dexterously change the helm of conversation when
rocks or shoals are near. He can know or divine what arc
the skeletons in the closets of a whole roomful of people,
and yet not once mention these disagreeable subjects, nor
allow others to mention them if he can help it. This is his
passive or negative virtue. His active and positive one is
the knowledge that he possesses of what is agreeable to each
individual, as well as what gratifies the world at large. He
talks, or, better still, he listens to each man on the sub-
ject of which that man loves most to discourse. Tact means
literally the act of touching. A person who possesses true
tact may be said to resemble one of those radiates which
have, a thousand sensitive tentacles or feelers. By their
help his mind comes in contact with the minds of his neigh-
bors at an infinite number of points ; but the contact is one of
sympathy, and is never a violent collision. Ready sympathy
is a very necessary element of tact, but it is not the only one.
Sympathy without intellectual acuteness leads people into
21
322 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
frightful blunders. Thus the sympathetic woman will often
read, by a sort of semi-mesmeric power, what is passing in
the mind of her interlocutor ; but the latter may be dwelling
on some subject that is very painful to him, and if the sym-
pathetic woman be lacking in intelligence, she will be very apt
to introduce this painful theme into the conversation, always
with the best intentions. Absent-minded people are guilty
of the same mistakes, and are often celebrated for their in-
advertencies of this sort. Thus if an absent-minded man is
talking to a person who has been insane, insanity will be
vaguely suggested to his mind ; and forgetting the exact facts
of the case he will talk about crazy people, remembering,
when it is too late, the unkiiidness of which he has apparently
been guilty.
The man who is witty and wise as well is always a
favorite in society. But his wisdom must teach him not to
be egotistical, and not to weary the company with too many
smart sayings. Finally, the person who has good spirits
possesses that which all the world wants, and which every
man may borrow from him without impoverishing the lender.
He is like the sun ; every one draws near him for warmth
and cheer. One of the greatest charms of youth is its gay
good-nature, the brilliant spirits which result from vigorous
animal life and health, and from ignorance of the world and
its evils. From a blase young man or woman every one
prays to be delivered !
At the present moment brains, provided they be not too
heavy, are at a great premium in society. The intellectual man
is the idol of the hour, and the man who can make his
hearers intellectual at least in their own imagination
is sought after and admired beyond all others. It is there-
fore very desirable for young people to cultivate any talent
they may possess for reading aloud and reciting. If a young
man has a thorough knowledge of any one subject, and can
HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN.
discourse or lecture upon it clearly, intelligently, and in an
interesting manner, he will find himself much more popular
in society than the man who can do nothing for its instruction
or amusement. But the cultivated man must strenuously
avoid the temptation to display his talent continually ; h
must be ready to do his part whenever he is called upon,
but not otherwise.
The same is true of the person who can tell amusing
stories, the woman who can play on the mandolin, the
guitar, or the harp, and of many others.
The line which divides the most charming person in the
world from the greatest bore is of a hair's width, like the
celebrated step which separates the sublime from the ridicu-
lous. It is a gift of the gods to know when to stop ; and
in the intoxication of success many people go far beyond
the proper limit, when lo ! their popularity vanishes like a
dream.
There is another very important qualification for making
one's self agreeable in society, and that is the willingness to be
generally useful. The obliging man or woman especially
if he or she have plenty of time at command is found to
be indispensable. But such a person, while secretly wielding
great power, must beware of openly assuming social authority.
The power behind the throne must remain ever in the
shadow. If the man who holds it tries to sit upon the
throne, he is sure to be kicked off.
If the greater portion of this volume as of most books
of the kind is devoted to the consideration of the social
duties of women rather than of men, it is not because the
former stand in need of more instruction than the latter. Is
it not rather that women are willing to give more thought
to these subjects, and take a greater and more vital interest
in them 1 Howells's immortal saying, that " after two thou-
sand years man is imperfectly monogamous " (I quote from
324 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
memory), might have had as an addition that he is imper-
fectly civilized as well. Woman's intellectual position as
compared with that of man may admit of dispute ; but her
position in civilization is certainly far ahead of his. Take a
small community in our far West, where there are no
women, and you will find the most highly civilized men
relapsing into barbarism.
Even in our own part of the world young men are often
found to be lacking in politeness, and in that deference to-
Avard their elders and toward women which is so becoming
in a manly young fellow. To such an one the writer would
like to offer a few words of advice in a friendly spirit.
A gentleman should always rise from his chair when a lady
enters or leaves the room, and should not return to it until
she has taken a seat or passed out, as the case may be. In
the latter instance, he should open the door for her ; in the
former, he should bring a chair rather than suffer her to lift
one for herself. The man who will allow a lady to carry a
chair from one part of the room to another without offering
to assist her, is wanting in good-breeding. Some very punc-
tilious men always rise whenever a lady rises, and remain
standing until she resumes her seat ; but this may be rather
embarrassing to her if she has occasion to go about the room
often.
Gentlemen should avoid making very long or very late
evening calls, which exhaust the patience of their enter-
tainers. Many young men are voted bores because they
make visits of two or three hours' length ; whereas if they
remained only an hour or an hour and a half, they would be
considered as decidedly agreeable persons.
No doubt one reason for these interminable calls is that
many men do not know how to get out of a room, and post-
pone the hour of departure because they dread it so much.
When they rise to take their leave, they are easily persuaded
HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 325
to sit clown again, although perhaps the invitation to do so
is merely given by the hostess as a matter of form.
" Stand not upon the order of your going,
But go at once."
A lingering leave-taking is wearisome to host and guest alike ;
nor is it polite to the hostess, since she feels compelled to
stand until the caller has left the room. AVhen a gentle-
man takes his leave after making a call on several ladies,
it suffices for him to make a decided bow to the lady of the
house, with a slighter inclination to the other members of the
family. Some men make a sort of final and general saluta-
tion as they pass out at the door of the room; but this
custom does not prevail generally in America.
The custom of making evening calls, except upon intimate
friends, is rapidly going out of fashion. Young men now
call in the afternoon, after an invitation to dinner for instance,
and make a visit of twenty minutes or half an hour in length.
This change of hours is due in part to the imitation of Eng-
lish customs, and in part to the present fashion of dining
late, which gives gentlemen an opportunity to make calls
after business hours, and before the seven-o'clock dinner now
so much in vogue.
A gentleman should never allow a lady to sit backwards
in a carriage, but should himself take the seat the. back of
which is turned toward the horses, where it is necessary for
some one to do so. In the same way a young lady should
not permit an older or a married lady to ride backwards.
According to strict etiquette, the lady who owns the carriage
keeps her own seat ; but she will usually surrender it to a
married lady if she is herself unmarried, or to one who is
much her senior.
As it makes some people positively ill to ride backwards,
those who can do so without inconvenience or suffering
326 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
should offer to take these undesirable places. A hostess
enters the carriage after her guests, unless they are much
younger than she is.
A gentleman should always get out of a carriage before the
ladies do, taking care not to pass in front of them, but to get
out at the door which is nearest to his seat. He should then
help the ladies to get out, each in her turn. There are
several ways of doing this, a lady requiring more or less
assistance according to the height of the vehicle, her own age
and activity. Perhaps the most approved way is where
a gentleman offers his arm, the lady placing her hand upon
it. He can then lend her additional assistance, if it is neces-
sary, by supporting her elbow or forearm with his hand.
At the same time he guards her dress from the wheel by hold-
ing his cane or umbrella in front of it, with his left hand.
Another method is for a gentleman to offer a lady one or
both hands ; or if she is descending from a very high vehicle,
she may place both hands upon his shoulders, as he is thus
enabled to support her arms. When a lady ascends a tally-
ho coach, she goes first, a gentleman mounting the ladder one
or two steps behind her and keeping her dress in place with
his cane. In descending, he goes first, for the same reason,
both of them coming down backward. The companion-ways
on board ship are mounted and descended in the same
manner.
The art of mounting a lady properly on horseback is one
that many gentlemen do not understand. The lady should
place her left foot in one or both of the gentleman's hands,
her left hand on his shoulder, and her right hand on the pom-
mel of the saddle. Then at a given word she springs up-
ward, the gentleman at the same moment raising his hand
so as to assist but not actually to lift her into the saddle.
When accompanying a lady on horseback, a gentleman
always keeps on the right side.
HINTS FOR YOUNG MEN. 327
In dancing, he should offer his hand gracefully to a lady,
where he has occasion to do so at all. The hand should be
presented palm downward, taking care that the thumb does
not project in an awkward way. To hold the hand vertically,
with the thumb sticking up in the air, looks extremely awk-
ward. A gentleman should also be careful not to shake
hands with too much violence, and not to press a lady's hand
so that her rings will hurt her fingers. Per contra, ladies
should not shake hands as if those members were paralyzed
or hopelessly limp ; and if they should have occasion to take a
gentleman's arm in the evening or in some crowded street
they need not be afraid to lean some of their weight
upon it. Most men rather enjoy the sense of protecting
the weaker sex, and admire a woman who knows " how to
take an arm " properly.
A gentleman should always offer to pass up a lady's fare in
a stage or in a horse-car where there is no conductor, and
should get off the steps of a car rather than allow a lady to
be uncomfortably crowded as she enters or leaves it. And
just here it is pleasant to be able to say that many of our
countrymen in what might be called the humbler ranks of
life offer these civilities in a way that is gratifying to see,
and that reflects much credit upon them.
It has been said elsewhere that the custom of saying Madam
and Sir is falling into disuse. There are still some occa-
sions, however, when it is necessary to use these expressions ;
notably, when one addresses a stranger. If a gentleman
offer to bring a lady any refreshment at an entertainment,
to hand up her fare in a horse-car, or to call her attention to
a parcel that she has left behind, he should in these and similar
cases address her as Madam, and never as Miss, even though
he may know that she is unmarried. A lady responding to
any civility which may have been courteously offered to her
by a stranger, uses " Sir " in speaking to him. But neither
328 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
party should continue the conversation, for obvious reasons.
Elderly ladies, whose experience of the world has given them
knowledge of men and things, sometimes converse with their
fellow-travellers, especially on long railroad journeys ; but it
is very undesirable and unsafe for a young woman to do so.
In conclusion, the writer would say that no young man
should despair of social success because he does not speedily
achieve it. It is no uncommon thing to see a young man
much laughed at for his awkwardness or his ungainly figure
when he first enters society ; and then to see the same youth,
by pluck, perseverance, and practice, become a fine dancer,
an agreeable partner, and a leader of fashion. "Women ad-
mire courage ; and the man who perseveres in spite of defeat
is pretty sure to win favor in their eyes.
It is more courteous to send a separate invitation to the
young men of a family, and not to direct an envelope to " Miss
Atwater and bro" The latter form is of course allowable,
and frequently employed; but some gentlemen object to it
very much, especially where they have been in society for
several years. A fashionable young man who is a social
favorite complains bitterly that he never receives a separate
invitation, but is always invited as a " bro," tacked on to
his sister's name. Where there are several unmarried sons
living at home, and they are no longer very young, it is
more courteous to send an invitation to each by name, rather
than include them under the general term " Messrs." It is
always proper to invite two or more sisters as "the Misses
Atwater," no matter what their ages may be.
The etiquette of "Washington differs from that of other
American cities ; it is customary there for strangers to call
first upon the members of the Government and on the wives
of official personages. For this purpose receptions are held
WASHINGTON CUSTOMS. 329
every afternoon, and a special day is set apart for each branch
of the Government. Thus, Monday is Judges' day, and on
that afternoon the justices of the Supreme Court remain at
home and receive callers, assisted by the ladies of their families.
Tuesday is the reception-day of members of the House of
Representatives ; Wednesday, of the Cabinet officers ; Thurs-
day, of the Senators ; and Friday, of the Diplomatic Corps.
The President's receptions are usually held on Saturday ; and
on that day the residents of Connecticut Avenue receive calls.
The reason for this very catholic hospitality is an obvious one.
It would be impossible for the wives of Congressmen, Cabinet
officers, and others to call first upon every one who came to
the National Capital ; and yet according to our Republican
theories every American citizen has a right to social recogni-
tion at the hands of the rulers whom his voice has helped to
elect. Hence the wives of our public servants throw open
their houses to visitors on one day of each week during the
season, and any person who chooses, has a right to attend these
informal receptions. According to Washington etiquette all
these calls must be promptly returned : as their number and
frequency are very great, they make the social duties of an
official hostess extremely burdensome. Such a lady often
employs a private secretary, whose duty it is to keep a
record of the visits made, visits returned, and those still to
be returned. The wives of the Cabinet officers recently re-
belled against this slavery to the travelling public (for it is
nothing else), and caused it to be known that they would
not undertake to return calls personally, but that their cards
would be sent instead. This course, however, gave rise to
some bitterness of feeling among those who did not under-
stand the exigencies of the situation, and who felt them-
selves insulted, forgetting that a public servant and his
wife ought not to be made public slaves. The wife of one
of our recent Secretaries of State is said to have seriously
330 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
injured her health by her punctiliousness in returning all
visits. As our country is increasing in population with such
rapidity, and as the throng of visitors in Washington is in
consequence growing constantly greater, it would seem as if
some remedy must be found for this growing evil, and as if
the course of the Cabinet ladies was the only one possible for
them to pursue.
When the society in Washington was comparatively small,
and the strangers who came to the city in the gay season
comparatively few, all was very different; but matters have
changed very much at our National Capital within five or six
years. Transient visitors and excursionists now visit it in
enormous numbers, and intrude themselves in houses where
they have no right to go at all in some instances, and
in others only on certain days of the week.
It would seem as if common-sense ought to teach people that
to a card reception (that is, where the guests are all invited
by card) no one save those specially invited would have a
right to go ; but the Washington tourist is very unreflecting.
His rule of conduct too often resembles that of the Irishman,
where you see a head, hit it. Where the Washington tour-
ist sees a number of carriages standing before the door of a
mansion, he immediately enters thereat ; and whether he is
one, or whether he is two hundred, makes absolutely no dif-
ference in his view of the situation. The result of his theories
is naturally disastrous. No private house can hold an un-
limited number of people ; and where the uninvited throng
in such numbers, the invited guests are unable to gain ad-
mission. A Washington lady received cards for a reception
given by an official person. It was a little late when she
started, and upon her arrival in Avenue she found a
surging throng of people in and around the door of the
house where the reception was to be held. 'After striving
with the crowd for an hour or more, and reaching only the
WASHINGTON CUSTOMS. 331
vestibule of the mansion, she and her escort gave up the
attempt to gain further admittance, and went home without
having been to the party at all ! It transpired afterward that
an excursion of two hundred people had arrived in Washing-
ton on that day, and had attended Mr. 's reception
en masse !
Thus it is evident that the public abuses its privileges,
and if less democratic customs should be adopted, the people
themselves would be to blame. All public libraries and
parks are conducted on the theory that the public will re-
spect their own possessions ; the moment that they cease to do
so, that they begin to abuse the books or deface the beauty
of the grass and trees, the free system becomes impossible.
It is the same with the freedom of entrance in Washington
society. It can only continue while the public are " upon
honor," and behave like ladies and gentlemen.
No doubt the tourists are less to blame in regard to their
conduct in Washington than might at first sight be supposed.
Being strangers in the laud, they naturally believe whatever
is told them, forgetting that hotel-keepers, agents for excur-
sions, hack-drivers, and others may, through interested mo-
tives, offer them more opportunities of sight-seeing and
visiting than they have a legitimate right to do. It is to
be feared also that mankind have a tendency to be less care-
ful about their behavior when they are in foreign lands than
they would be in their native place, where habit, and the
desire to appear well in the eyes of their fellow-townsmen,
act as restraining influences. One should always remember
that travelling is the severest test of good-breeding; the
man who does not forget his politeness among strangers,
people whom he never expects to see again, will not be likely
to forget it anywhere. It is a dangerous matter, too, to
imagine that one's behavior in another city or country will
not be known at home. This world is a very small place ;
332 SOCIAL CUSTOMS.
we are liable, even on the most lonely mountain-top, to be
seen by an acquaintance, or the acquaintance of an acquaint-
ance ; and by some mysterious process of social telegraphy
our misdemeanors, if we commit any, reach home as soon as
we do, usually increased by kind and friendly report to
twice their natural size.
Greediness at the supper-table is an unpleasant thing to
see in any place. Gentlemen should remember never to
stand around it in such a way as to bar the approach of
others, and never to take more than their fair share of the
good things spread before them, notably wine. A gentleman
may take a bottle of wine and fill the glasses of the ladies of
his party, as well as his own. He should then replace the
bottle on the table, and not keep it under his arm nor hide
it away from other people.
It is often said that according to Washington etiquette
strangers call first upon the residents of tho city. This is
true ; but the freedom thus given should not be abused, as it
often is. While it is perfectly proper for strangers to call
upon members of the Government and their families, as has
been stated above, it is questionable whether they have a
right to visit private citizens whom they do not know, and
with whom they have no bond of common acquaintanceship.
It is often done without peradventure ; but people who have
delicacy of feeling will not intrude themselves on those who
move in a different social circle, and who have no reason to
wish to know them. Visits made in this haphazard way are
not always returned ; if they were, every private citizen
would be completely at the mercy of every transient visitor
to the National Capital.
University of California
SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY
405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388
Return this material to the library
from which it was borrowed.
JUtvi
iJRL-LD
O I
SEP ^7 1995
OCT17
1994
nun mi i "' " ".*
A 000118800 2