VNTIiO &UVV! presented to the UNIVERSITY LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO by JAMES A. LEFIWICH UNIVERSITY LIBRARY OF CALIFORNIA. SAN DIEt* IA JOUA. THE LIMERATOMY As I lay in my bed on the flat o' me, I was shocked at the sight of the fat o' me, So to keep my nerves steady, I concocted and edi- ted this luminous, lim'rtck anatomy. A COMPENDIUM OF UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE FOR THE MORE PERFECT UNDERSTANDING OF THE HUMAN MACHINE BY ANTHONY EUWER Done in the Limerick Tongue and Copiously Visualized with Illustragraphs by the Perpetrator fork JAMES B. POND 1917 Copyright, 1917, by JAMES B. POND Published, July, 1917 VA.IL-BALLOU COMPANY BINGHAMTON AND NEW YORK DEDICATION When I get next to facts, I'm afraid I'm Inclined more or less to parade 'em, Hence I gladly inscribe To the medical tribe Whatsoever they find here to aid 'em. For the privilege of using a number of the lim- ericks and drawings in " The Limeratomy," the author wishes especially to thank the publishers of Collier's for their courtesy. Also the Associated Sunday Magazine. PREFACE There is probably no order of verse that has met with higher-browed disdain than the lowly limerick. Some poeticians would place it beside the sea- cucumber in the scale of poetic animal life. Others go still further, terming it the Ford of poetic loco- motion. True poetry-poets of the thirty-five cent magazines as well as newspaper rhymsters of low degree have conspired alike to accomplish its down- fall. It has no place among the exquisitries of mod- ern poesy. It has been banished from the councils of the profession. But the office-boy, the printer's devil, the man of the street they have welcomed the waif. Honest, direct and unpretentious it has found a lodging place in the heart of the multi- tude. Many find joy in committing the limerick to mem- ory, some commit them to the public, while there are those who prefer to commit them with other secret crimes in the innermost recesses of their own souls. Where is the man who has not committed the lim- erick in some form or other? Find him and you will find one whose heart is hermetically hardened a boob, a billy goat and an undesirable citizen. The spirit of the time demands a cipher code for the expression and recording of its impressions. 8 The limerick is the logical outcome of that spirit. It is the c^stalized answer to the universal need. Just here one is reminded that there is still a cer- tain faction whose conception of the limerick is some- what incomplete and hazy. A couplet or a ballad or a sonnet perchance, if couched in sufficiently rol- licking rhyme, may run a grave chance of becoming a limerick to the uninitiated. This is to be deplored, for the personality of the limerick rests largely on the preciseness of its form. Craving the patience of the more literate, the writer begs to submit the fol- lowing constructive definition of the limerick. Once you've got a good notion with pith Then you rhyme it with something like " myth," Hhyming on a bit more In lines three and four, Matching up with the first in the fifth. In a recent magazine article on phonetic spelling, there appeared a statement that read something as follows " If introduced into the public schools, it would mean a saving of an hour a day for each pupil and about ten millions of dollars annually to the state." What a tremendous saving might likewise have been accomplished, both for themselves and poster- ity, had some of our literary giants made straight for their goal on the wings of the limerick. Homer, Dante, Shakespeare and Robert W. Chambers! What a shrivelling of ponderous tomes ! What ro- bust years saved for useful pursuits ! Had Shakes- PREFACE 9 pearc grasped the possibilities of the limerick, the Prince of Elsinore would have tripped lightly down to us in five lines instead of five acts. When Hamlet the Dane was put hep To his uncle's perfidious rep, He swore dire reprisal, But it ended in fizzle He meant well but hadn't the pep. Hugo would have made a great limericker. His passion for infinite tersities proves it. How much less miserable might Jean Valjean have been, if his hard lines had been reduced to five. Nor deem it heresy when such an holy relic as " The Raven " of Edgar Allan Poe is subjected to attack. Had the poet employed the more direct method, the true facts of the case would have at once been relieved of all reiteration and prolixity. Once a raven from Pluto's dark shore Bore the singular news "Nevermore." 'Twas of fruitless avail To ask further detail His reply was the same as before. There is embodied in the limerick an emergency reserve to cope with all circumstance. One is touch- ingly reminded of the tale of that unfortunate bi- valve and his domestic infelicities. With his adipose wife lived an oyster, And his old eye grew moister and moister; " When she sits on my lap," He would say, " I'd be hap- py if only I knew how to hoist her ! " 10 PREFACE Reams of discursive prose have been offered both in support and condemnation of free verse. A main- tains that substance is the one consideration ; the form of little or no consequence. B would ignore substance and enthrone form. Might not the fol- lowing lines suggest a happy conclusion to the whole' matter. There's a popular notion that poetry Should have in it something to show it re- echoes the soul, But that's not the whole It should likewise reveal rythmic flowetry. The above illustrations taken from widely diver- gent angles, have here been cited to show that there has at last been found a universal language-peg for whatsoever-sized holes. The pathos of the dra- matic ; the beauty of the lyric ; the searching direct- ness of the analytic you may find them all in the five-lined essence the quintessence of the limerick. Hence the " Limerick Anatomy " or " Limerat- omy." In this clinic-limerique the author has en- deavored to put within the common grasp, certain livid and burning truths that have been dragged from heaped-up piles of scientific expression and kultur. It is hoped that the appearance of this little volume may prove a happy psychology at this time an age of self-examination an epoch when the human machine is coming into its own. To know the whence, the wherefore and the why-is-it, is to forestall the thence, the therefore and the conse- quently. CONTENTS PAGE THE NUT 15 THE HAIR 17 THE FACE 17 THE DOUBLE FACADE 19 THE BRAIN 21 THE CONSCIENCE 21 THE HIGH-BROW 23 THE NOSE 23 THE COLD 25 THE SNEEZE 25 THE SNORE 27 THE SOUL 29 FILLET OF SOUL 29 THE EYES 31 THE IRIS 33 THE PUPILS 33 THE LASHES 35 THE DIMPLE 35 THE EXPRESSION 37 THE SMILE 37 THE COMPLEXION 39 CAUTION 39 THE WHISKERS 41 THE EARS 43 THE CHIN 45 CONTENTS PAGE THE JOWL 45 THE LIPS 47 THE CORPUSCLES 47 THE TEETH 49 ADMONITION 49 THE VOICE 51 THE TONGUE 51 THE EPIGLOTTIS 53 THE TONSILS 53 THE NECK 55 THE ADAM'S APPLE 55 THE TUM 57 THE APPETITE 59 THE FLESH 59 ADIPOSITY 61 THE SKIN 61 THE THIN 63 THE FAMILY SKELETON 63 THE VEGETARIAN 65 THE MUSCLES 65 THE FIGURE 67 THE BACK-BONE 69 THE NERVY SYSTEM 71 THE MEDULLA OBLONGATA 71 THE MOLECULAR THEORY 73 THE LUNGS 73 THE COCKLES 75 THE HEART 75 THE BLOOD 77 THE TORSO 77 THE WAIST 79 CONTENTS PAGE THE ARMS .79 THE HANDS 81 THE FUNNY BONE 81 THE FINGERS 83 THE PALM 83 THE KNEES 85 THE KIDNEYS 85 THE Bow LEGS 87 THE CALVES 87 THE ANKLE 89 THE FEET 89 PIGEON TOES 91 THE TOES 91 IN RETROSPECT 93 THE APPENDIX 96 14 THE L I M E R A T O M Y THE NUT ARGUMENT Biology and botany alike agree that there is a common ground where plant life and animal life comingle, when- the boundary line is variable and indefinite. In beginning the present treatise it was deemed advisable to start from some such neutral territory. For such a beginning, no more notable example could be found than the case of the nut. We will consider the nut, under normal conditions a vegetable growth, at that point where it becomes absorbed by the animal king- dom. THE LI M ERATO MY 15 THE NUT When you've bats in your belfry that flut, When your comprenez-vous rope is cut, When there's nobody home In the top of your dome Then vour head's not a head; it's a nut. In the contemplation of the nut we are confronted with an anatomical condition, not a theory. Nor is the day of nutty things to be viewed lightly there are far lower levels of abysmal chaos and coagulation. NOTE There are belfries whose bats are so flutty, With walls built so largely of putty, Where the gloom is so dense And the void so immense Well in that case you're not even nutty. 16 THE LI M ERATO MY THE HAIR When from the superb lines of the dome the thatch has fallen, rejoice, oh man, in its sublime beauty for thus doth Nature unveil at last the hidden glory of her handiwork. THE LIMERATOMY 17 THE HAIR The ways of the hair they are various, Its career not a little precarious, Ofttimes \ve may note One alone and remote, Then again it may be quite gregarious. The head has an architectural fronting or facade, called the face. Approaching the fa9ade, we are thrilled with various emotions. THE FACE* As a beauty I'm not a great star, There are others more handsome by far, But my face I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it 'Tis the folks in the front that I jar. * This limerick, written by the author some years ago, has been accredited to a va- riety of different sources. It will be chiefly remem- bered as the favorite limerick of President Wilson, who has used it on a number of not- able occasions. 18 THE LI M ERATO MY THE DOUBLE FACADE In the dispensary of Humanity the rule is one face per put. There are exceptions however. THE LI M ERATO MY 19 THE DOUBLE FACADE Don't be caught by the fair-weather smile, 'Tis a two-faced contortion most vile, For you actually think You're a trump, from her wink, But you're being bawled out all the while. Of making many faces there is no end. The mobile coun- tenance of Nature is forever twitching and it never twitches twice in the same place. NOTE In the wax works of Nature they strike Off each minute some face for life's hike, And of billions of mugs On us poor human bugs There are no two exactly alike. THE LIME R ATOMY THE BRAIN Beneath the belfry or dome we find space. At times this space is occupied by a mellow, thoughtful sort of substance, called brain. THE LIME R ATOMY 21 THE BRAIN To manage and keep up a brain Is no easy job, it is plain, That's why a great many Don't ever use any, Thus avoiding the care and the strain. The conscience is an articulate organ attached to the brain, made of a pliable substance which will become quickly hard- ened through lack of use. It is said to possess a still, small voice most likely soprano. THE COXSCIEXCE With a conscience we're able to see Just how bad we're permitted to be, At the same time it's true That what's wicked for you Mightn't be half so wicked for me. THE HIGH-BROW Fronting the brain is the lunette or brow. The high and low lunette mark two prominent schools of architecture. THE LI M ERATO MY THE HIGH-BROW When you simply can't get reconciled To the home folks and feel you're defiled By the smirch and the splatter Of plain, common chatter You're becoming a high-brow, my child. Beneath the lunette projects the nasal awning by means of which we are lured by many a fragrant zephyr, or gently ad- monished \vlu-n an ill wind blows; all of which necessitates an involved mechanism situated in an olfactory cite in the suburbs of the cerebrum. THE NOSE Through the nose we all learn by degrees How to snuffle and snort and to sneeze, And by mere inhalation To sense the gradation 'Twixt roses and Limberger cheese. 24. THE LIMERATOMY THE COLD Like other construction work, the machinery of the nose is subject to the variations of heat and cold. THE LIMERATOMY 25 THE COLD When your stoppcd-up proboscis turns red And you heartily wish you were dead, And you can't taste or smell And you feel just like well There's a chance you've a cold in your head. In the absence of other symptoms, the presence of the cold is readily detected by the sneeze. THE SNEEZE Now the sneeze is a joy-vent, I s'pose, When you're tickled to death in your nose A pleasing explosion, Creating erosion But you want to watch out where it goes. THE LI M ERATO MY THE SNORE By degrees from a wheeze to a roar, then some more, then a score that's a snore. The snore is the antithesis of the sneeze. It has ruined more sleep than all the cats in Chris- tendom; it has produced more expletives than the sea-going contingent of the world's merchant marine; and caused more divorces than cold feet, drink or infidelity. THE LI M ERATO MY THE SNORE In the night when I'm waked with a snore, I wonder if folks gone before, Keep up the same air In the mansions up there? How it must make the Archangels sore! NOTE Though 'twould seem like the snorer's in pain, 'Tis a fact that the physical strain Is borne by the person Who lies awake cursin', Counting hours till it's daylight again. THE LIMERATOMY THE SOUL That the snore is directly connected with the soul, we can not doubt, even admitting the probability that the snore is the soul in pain. And what is the soul? The illustrograph above will give some idea. Other ideas are not barred from the con- test. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 29 THE SOUL Is the soul, do you s'pose, stiff or limp? Or in folds or a roll or a crimp? There are times when I think That it's squirmy and pink, Or mayhap like a pretzel or shrimp. Much evidence has recently been brought to light pointing toward the materialistic theory of the soul. FILLET OF SOUL If there's fillet of soul, then it's true, That the soul has a fillet some clew ! Though it does seem incredible That the soul should be edible, I think it's convincing, don't you? 30 THE LI M ERATO MY J THE EYES Beneath the lunette are the port-holes of the dome; they are also acclaimed the windows of the soul. In medical science they are recognised as optics. In the vulgate eyes, blinkers, lamps, etc. 31 THE EYES In the eyes all the blues of the skies are, And how varied the sizes of eves are Why they come, some so small, You scarce see them at all, While others are big round as pies are. Although the focus of the eye is infinite, the angle of vision is limited. NOTE When I gaze where the nebulae are, I see trillions of miles pretty far ! Yet I oft miss the ditch Right in front of me which Lies a-top of my own little star. THE LI M ERATO MY THE IRIS Within the port-hole is a circle of stained glass, called the iris. Its highly decorative effect is often ruined by attempted embellishment on the outer facade. THE L I M E R A T O M Y THE IRIS When your iris is stunning, Gee Whiz it Seems tough it should be less exquisite By dimming its glim With a tortoise-shell rim And it ain't indispensable, is it? To heighten the color effect of the iris, a small black dot is effectively placed in the centre. It is called the pupil. In the place of the usual dot there is occasionally found the polka dot or dancing pupil referred to below. THE PUPILS There are pupils and pupils some flickery, Some steadfast and some filled with trickery; Some pupils with scruples, And some dancing pupils The last is the pupil Terpsichore. THE LI M ERA TO MY THE LASHES On all well regulated eyes will he found the shutter, lid, or curtain, with its fringe or lash. The true function of the lash is as yet suppositional. THE L I M E R A T M Y 35 THE LASHES Why the lashes were made I'm not certain, 'Less 'twas maybe as fringe to the curtain, Which when lowered demurely, Lends a lure that is surely An invalu'ble adjunct to flirtin'. Of equal efficiency in this pleasant pastime is the dimple. Whether the dimple is a species of sport growth or the result of erosion, is not definitely known. THE DIMPLE There are those who look fair with the dimple, And others who look simply simple. Some say 'tis a whimlet Of Dame Nature's gimlet Or it may be an inverted pimple. 36 THE LIMERATOMY THE EXPRESSION When the general tranquillity of the countenance is broken by an upheaval of the features, there is produced the phenome- non of expression. THE LI M ERATO MY 37 THE EXPRESSION By contorting the face epidermis, Or skin, or whatever the term is, We express or display Pride, joy or dismay The expression's wherever the squirm is. The smile is produced by the upward squirm. It is induced by miscellaneous emotions and is a mild form of spontaneous combustion. It is a pleasing recreation and may be used as a morning exercise, when not indulged in to excess. The smile is either involuntary or mechanical. (See Double Facade.) THE SMILE Xo matter how grouchy you're feeling, You'll find the smile more or less healing. It grows in a wreath All around the front teeth Thus preserving the face from congealing. 38 THE LI M ERATO MY THE COMPLEXION Under some conditions, the expression becomes imbedded be- neath a composition or stucco, called the complexion. THE LIMERATOMY 39 THE COMPLEXION When you've plastered and rouged out the specks, And you've cosmedicated the flecks With lotion and salve You'll prob'lv then have Found out why the complexion's " complex." Oh where are the pink contours of yesterday? Ask of the snowy summit of the nose serene abos - e the chalky drifts the scenic splendor of My Lady's face. Yet hist! A memory of other days babbles gently in our ears a little hymn of cau- tion. CAUTION Now your talc is intended, dear friend, Not to plaster ad I'b, but should blend In a soft, subtle way Not in vulgar display In short, as a means to an end. 40 THE LI M ERATO MY THE WHISKERS After all, Nature isn't so worse when she passes you a lemon in one hand, with the other she gives you sprigs of alfalfa to wreathe around it. Faces that are not citrie in tendency attain their greatest charm like the tail of the mule from constant pruning. THE LI M ERATO MY 41 THE WHISKERS When your countenance ain't comme il font, 'Tis a jolly good stunt just to grow All available spots In whiskery plots That is, if they're willing to grow. NOTE I wish when my whiskers were sown In my chin soil, the seed had been blown To my belfry's bald top, Where I so need a crop To supplant what I once used to own. THE EARS On either side of the dome are the spiral punctures, or ears, originally designed for the detection of sound. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 43 THE EARS Now the ears, so I always had thunk, Should bear sounds to the top of the trunk, But from some I observe, They seem merely to serve As racks for the Jooler-man's junk. The human ear is distinguished from other varieties by rea- son of its stationary attribute. This condition may be over- come, however, by constant practice. NOTE Though you're able to do it, my dears, Let us hope you don't wiggle your ears. To be perfectly blunt 'Tis an assinine stunt Done by folks who are loose in their gears. THE LI M ERATO MY THE CHIX On the southern slope of the facade are the dunes of the chin. As the chin had not yet appeared on the slope of primitive man, we are led to conclude that the art of " chinning " is of geo- logically recent date, probably not earlier than 1,000,000 B.C. THE LIMERATOMY 45 THE CHIN The chin it was made to give trouble, Either pimples or dimples or stubble, Though some have the gall To not grow at all, While others come triple and double. Many a prominent young chin has been slowly buried alive by the shifting sands of time. THE JOWL When your voice tumbles out with a growl, When you grab up your fork like a trow'l, When your gray stuff is packed In a nut that's straight-backed Tis a ten-to-one shot you've a jowl. 46 THE LI M ERATO MY THE LIPS Just beneath the awning are the ruby gates of the portico. The entre here is by means of the countersign which has been the same in all ages and all climes. THE LIMEBATOMY 47 THE LIPS Be your speech esperanto or cryptical, Futuric or ancient Egyptical, There is one common lingo That gets there by Jingo ! If you gather my meaning the liptickle. Ruby or lip-red was unquestionably the result of much ex- periment. No other color of the spectrum gives such a natural touch. THE CORPUSCLES Did you know that an infinite slew Of red poker chips cause the hue On your lips, and so small For they're corpuscles all, What? You didn't know that? Well they do! THE LI M ERATO MY THE TEETH We now enter the main hall-way that leads to the various departments of the interior. Here we encounter the pickets or teeth, a splendid and ferocious company whose reign of fright- fulness endureth forever. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 49 THE TEETH 'Tis a great satisfaction, in sooth, When you've got almost ev'ry front tooth. Still with all of them present It's even more pleasant And perhaps just a trifle more couth. The pickets should be kept in fighting trim for any emer- gency. Still, intensive training has its limits. ADMONITION When the pickets you pick, do refrain From the use of a fork. I'll explain Just supposing, perchance, Should the instrument glance What a hole it might make in your brain. 50 THE LI M ERATO MY THE VOICE When a draught of hot air passes through the hall-way, it is transmuted into sound, which is then separated into talk, guff and other by-products. THE LI M ERATO MY 51 THE VOICE With an in and an out exhalation We make voice with a vocal vibration, Which trained hard and long We may turn into song, Then again into mere conversation. Among the many appurtenances of the main hall-way is the sliding floor, or escalator, called the tongue. THE TONGUE To distinguish the tongue prob'ly this'll Assist, when I say 'tis of gristle. It's our censor of taste Although locally placed As a gangway for vocal epistle. THE LI M ERATO MY THE EPIGLOTTIS Bearing southward, we reach the region of the epiglottis. 53 THE EPIGLOTTIS Have a heart for your poor epiglottis, Don't crowd down your victuals, for what is More sad than the sight Of a wind-pipe plugged tight When the food fails to see where the slot is. To the north of the epiglottis is the tonsorial parlor, where the tonsils may frequently be found. THE TOXSILS With the tonsils the principal wheeze Is to harbor the germs of disease. That's why most M.D. dope Avers they're de trope Poor French but good rhyme, if you please ! THE LIMERATOMY THE NECK Surmounted on the trunk is a hollow isthmus, or tubing, called the neck. It conveys the plumbing system to the dome. THE LIMER ATOMY 55 THE NECK To the head set on top like a cobble, The neck gives its rotary wobble ; Often fat, often thin, Sometimes covered with skin, It also assists us to gobble. Can it be that the throat is the seat of the emotions? Have you ever felt a big lump there in moments of great sorrow and privation? Do not swallow this lump, however tempted. Sometimes this lump is mistaken for varicose windpipe. It is particularly apparent when there is insufficient masonry to cover the plumbing. c THE ADAM'S APPLE How often some grievous mishap'll Start the throat on a lump-gripping grapple. And it grows and it grows, Keeping pace with our woes, And it's known by the term " Adam's Apple.' 1 56 THE LI M ERATO MY THE TUM Entering the lift near the epiglottis and forging south, the next point of interest is the crypt, or turn. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 57 THE TUM The turn's a distributing place For the cargoes that enter the face; Perhaps a small station Or large corporation It depends on the manager's pace. An unwillingness among the medical profession to speak of a shovel as a shovel, has wrought endless confusion concerning the commissariat. NOTE To employ the evasive cognomen Is a practice indulged in by so man- y, who will not be frank Thus the "turn" or the "tank" Is dubbed in hushed breath, the " abdomen." 58 THE LI M ERATO MY THE APPETITE In the dark confines of the crypt there roves an unchained, uncanny monster, called the appetite. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 59 THE APPETITE We admit that he's low-browed and rummy, Yet permit him to be rather chummy, And toss him down grub Which he grabs from his sub- terranean hole in our tummy. All poods received in the crypt are transferred to the flesh department, and assorted. There are several varieties. THE FLESH Since the days when the race was first bred, Human flesh has been usu'lly red; Though some I've detected, "Who were they dissected I think you'd find crab-meat instead. 60 ADIPOSITY In the commissariat all excess baggage is converted into adi- pose tissue, in which case there is but one alternative. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 61 ADIPOSITY When you're too adipose to be bonny, And it makes you morose, sad and wanny, There's a book, if you'll buy it, On diet go try it I think it's called " Gorge and Grow Scrawny." The human edifice is contained in an elastic and water-proof wrapper, called the skin. THE SKINT We've a union-skin suit to our ears, Which we don and doff each seven years. Though we often feel warm in't, There's charm to the garment, For it's all porus-knit, it appears. THE L I M E R A T O M Y THE THIN Strictly speaking, the children of Adam are all skinny, which leads us to the astounding discovery that skinny people are not thin, nor fleshy ones fat. The truly thin person is distinguished by a preponderance of fleshy absence. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 63 THE THIN In the space twixt the bones and the skin Is the place where most people get thin. In its far advanced stages 'Tis truly outrageous Like a sort of convent'nalised pin. Beyond the n'th power of the thin we have the skeleton of which there are two varieties family and bony. THE FAMILY SKELETON Beside his own bones there is pent In the fam'ly of most ev'ry gent, A private collection Exempt from inspection By common desire and consent. THE LI M ERATO MY THE VEGETARIAN Human latitude and longitude, as previously suggested, are based largely on diet still accidents may happen to the be$t regulated motives, 65 THE VEGETARIAN When a bachelor maiden named Sarah Anne Found a fly on her plate, she grew very an- gry. Yelled she, " Waiter ! Here's meat with my 'tater, And I am a strict Vegetarian ! " Whenever the skeleton is not pleasing to look upon, it is dis- guised in muscles, which are also useful as "shock absorbers" while on tour. THE MUSCLES Oh I'm glad I'm protected from knocks, From my neck-tie clear down to my socks, And padded and bolstered, Fenced in and upholstered With muscles to soak up the shocks. 66 THE LI M ERA TO MY THE FIGURE The end of all flesh is musele, the end of all muscle is tendon -the end of both a pleasing symposium called the figure. THE FIGURE She's endeavored since corsets began, To improve on God's work when she can, Has woman, but come now, She's got to go some now, To beat the original plan. NOTE Now your figure's like life don't mistake it, For it's largely whatever you make it. It can be the real stuff, Or a garment-made bluff, In so far as your tailor can fake it. 68 THE LI M ERATO MY THE BACKBONE To the rear of most figures will be found the hack-bone. In ancient narrative it has been observed that the head was accus- tomed to sit upon one end of the back-bone and the owner on the other. Today we find that history has not ceased to repeat itself. The back-bone is best viewed during the period of low visibility. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 69 THE BACK-BONE Though the charm of her youth may have flown, Rare's the woman who can't hold her own. When it comes to a show-down, She'll stick on a IOW T gown Just to show that she has some back-bone. The quality of the vertebrae is variable. At times it is a compote of pep, ginger, sand and reinforced concrete. In- stances of non-resistant material are also found in huge quan- tities, while entirely invertebrate specimens are not at all un- common. NOTE Now this statement may seem rather phony, But some back-bones there are so un-bony, So wobbly and lacking In stuff that makes backing You would think they were boiled macaroni. THE NERVY SYSTEM Wherever the real baek-bone exists, we find radiating from it the nervy system. It is chiefly brought into play in the absence of capillary attraction. 71 THE NERVY SYSTEM Said a maid, " Now that fellow, contwist him, He proposed, and I couldn't resist him. I guess it was prob'ly Because I was wobbly And he'd the complete nervy system." In the constellation of the nervy system will likewise be found the medula oblongata, explained more fully by the neb- ular hypothesis, details of which may be found elsewhere. THE MEDULA OBLONGATA Though it sounds like a sort of sonata, 'Tain't confirmed by our medical data, I'm referring of course To that centre of force The medula-ah-ah-oblongata. THE MOLECULAR THEORY Do not brood over breeds of bacteria, bewail not the bound- less bacilli, bothersome though they be that beset you. Better to bide in the blissful belief that brickbats we're blind to, won't bother us, than be brimming with baneful biogeny. THE LI M ERATO MY Don't wear your life out with molecular Problems of goblums insecular. Though the ozone may seethe With the bugs that we breathe, We can't be too bloomin' partecular. The lungs, situated on the mezzanine beneath the airshaft, are the headquarters of the fresh-air mission, supported en- tirely by involuntary contributions. As in other charitable organizations, donations from questionable sources, etc., & etc., are accepted without comment for the greater good that may result. THE LUNGS To convert the bad blood that goes swishin' Through the veins, is the lungs' chief ambition. A purity fight That keeps up day and night, Down there in that under-world mission. THE LI M ERATO MY THE COCKLES Prior to the appearance of the present treatise, medical sci- ence had utterly ignored that feature of the hydraulic system of the heart, known as the cockles. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 75 THE COCKLES Now the function of cockles, we're told, Is just to get warmed, hence I hold And I'm quite sure that you Will agree with me too That the cockles are usu'lly cold. The ancients believed that the heart was the abode of the emotions. In a previous chapter of this work it was reason- ably suggested that the emotions were situate in the throat. As the heart oftentimes gets into the throat, might it not have been on such an occasion as this that the archaic theory was first conceived. THE HEART Human hearts are hydraulicky things, Not love-lorn, but frolicky things. Still it's well to watch out That they don't become stout Alcoholicky, bloated, high-ballicky things. 76 THE LI! M ERATO MY THE BLOOD From the pumping station the blood is propelled to the uttermost ends of the figure. The blood may be of varied hue, according to climate and previous condition of servitude. 77 THE BLOOD There are vessels in both me and you, For the blood to carouse along through. Mine I like rich and red From m j feet to my head Although some are quite proud of their blue. The human trunk, or torso, is built on the ever-ready plan and comes in many makes and all sizes. It is bound in hide, will stand jostling and is admirably constructed for travelling purposes. THE TORSO I'm so glad when I launched on life's trip, That my paraphernalia could slip In the trays of my torso; And I'm glad, even more so, 'Twas a trunk that I had not a grip. 78 THE WAIST As originally arranged, the trunk was made to strap around the middle. The rule, however, is no longer observed in latter- day architecture, THE L I M E R A T O M Y 79 THE WAIST An imag'nary line is the waist Which seldom stays long where it's placed, But ambles and skips Twixt shoulders and hips, According to popular taste. One of the first thoughts of nature is Preparedness. Hence the armament of the human edifice. THE ARMS How mechanical feats seem to shrivel, How the genius of man turns to drivel, When we stand off and gaze At the infinite ways That the arm swings around on its swiveL 80 THE LI M ERATO MY THE HANDS At the antipodal extremity of the arm is a spatulate growth, called the hand. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 81 THE HANDS The hands they were made to assist In supplying the features with grist. There are only a few As a rule about two And are hitched to the end of the wrist. In the elbow is situated the end of the humerus or funny bone, in which there resides a sort of dry humor that is released on sudden impact with foreign bodies. THE FUNNY BONE Have you ever, when plum'rous and sore, Bumped your humerus hard on the door? Though your woes they be numerous, They'll depart, so the rumor is Since that's what the funny bone's for. THE LI M ERATO MY THE FINGERS The spatulate growth of the hand is subdivided into other separate growths, forming the antennae or fingers. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 83 Should a medical treatise discard All extraneous facts, nor regard The beauty that lingers In tapering fingers? For it's hard for a bard, very hard. To the palm are attached the fingers and wrist, as well as a certain mystic significance. THE PALM In the lines of the palm, 'tis averred, That your capers can all be inferred. If it's true, then my palms They would give me some qualms But I'm sure the whole thing is absurd ! THE LI M ERATO MY THE KNEES Beneath the trunk are the struts or legs. They can In- folded when necessary, owing to an ingenious contrivance called the knee, THE L I M E R A T O M Y 85 THE KNEES Can you vaguely imagine the fix If your legs were as stiff as two sticks? That's exactly the reason They're both built with knees on Otherwise they'd be quite good for nix. As the term "knee" appears in other relations to the figure, the result is sometimes confusing. THE KIDNEYS You need not be a kid to possess A pair of kidneys and I guess You can have house-maid's knee Without having to be Accoutered in feminine dress. 86 TIIK BOW LKGS The legs may he worn in a variety of ways, probably the widest appeal being the bow. THE LI M ERATO MY 87 THE BOW LEGS Ain't it funny sometimes how a mode Will reveal what we'd never have knowed? Once I thought women's legs Were straighter than pegs That is, till I learned they were bowed. Below the knee the symmetricals or muscles are so assem- bled as to form the calf. THE CALVES Now should calves be discussed in a poem When it's even thought wicked to show 'em? Still if they're so awful, Then why are they lawful, And why permit people to grow 'em? 88 Till-'. AXKI.K By a gradual cessation of the calf is evolved the ankle. When there is no cessation there is no ankle. This, however, is of small consequence for, as has been aptly observed, the beauty of the ankle is only shin deep. THE LI M ERATO MY 89 THE ANKLE The ankle's chief end is exposiery Of the latest designs in silk hosiery, Also I suspect It was made to connect The part called the calf with the toesiery. Intermittent planetary contact s essential to all terrestrial locomotion. This relationship is established in the human in- stance by means of the two movable bases or feet. When, for any reason, the basic function is suspended, automatic contact may be maintained elsewhere. As a rule the bases are amen- able to suggestion. THE FEET I'm so glad that my tootsies can circum- navigate round when I work 'em. Like strings in a guitar The chords in my feet are So responsive whenever I jerk 'em. 90 THE L I M E R A T O M Y PIGEON TOES Feet, like many other things in life, do not always turn out the right way. 91 PIGEON TOES Said a pigeon-toed maiden named Mame, " Do you know that my pigeon-toes came Just from great gulps and gobs Of squabs upon squabs ! " Oh, beware of the pigeon-toed dame. From fossiology we learn that the horse of yesterday had toes. To-day he has a hoof. To-day man has toes. To-mor- row who knows ! THE TOES At the bows of your barges the toes are, And in graded quintettes all their rows are, Often shod with such grace But this book is no place To discuss what belongs to the Beaux Arts. THE LI M ERATO MY IN RETROSPECT Having studied the paragon of all animal growth in its varied ])hases, let us glimpse for a moment its obscure be- ginnings. THE L I M E R A T O M Y 93 IN RETROSPECT Once he scampered, did man, long before us, In the days of the Wacktheosaurus With barely a shimmy on, The old semi-simeon Which must have seemed most indecorous. NOTE When you see, though, the shocking displays That we meet on all sides nowadays, Why our forbears are tripped, And out-classed and out-stripped In at least an odd billion of ways. APPENDIX 96 THE APPENDIX Science claims we might all move about Sans appendix, the which I don't doubt. As the same might be said Of some books that we've read, Why insert, when it's better cut out? THE END 511886 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A 000 672 995 8